TheColdHardTruth

AmandaLeighCowley

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Copyright©AmandaLeighCowley2017

Thisnovelisentirelyaworkoffiction.Thenames,characterandincidentsportrayedinitarethe

workoftheauthor’simagination.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,localesor

organisationsisentirelycoincidental.

~

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanyformorbyanymeans

withoutthepriorapprovaloftheauthor.

www.AmandaLeighCowley.com

https://www.facebook.com/AmandaLCowley

Chapter1

March

Iheaveopenthefrontdoor,flopagainstitsflakybluepaintandfighttocatchmybreath.Thisis

crazy.AllI’vedoneiswalkfiveminutesfromthebus-stoptoourhouseandI’mwrecked.

“Da-ad,”Icallout.Myvoiceiscroakyanditcatches.“It’sme,Emily….”
Noanswer.
Notsurprising.He’sgottheTVturnedupsoloudIdoubthe’dhaveheardatwenty-one-gunsaluteif

itwentoffrightinfrontofhim.

I’lllethimknowI’mhomeandthenI’mheadingtobedtosleepoffwhateverlurgyhasinvadedmy

systemandzappedallmyenergy.

IpictureDadlyingonthesofainhisfavouritespot,theplacehespendssomuchtimethatwhenhe

getsupyoucanstillseetheimprintofhisbuttcheeks,andtheworn-out,slightlygrubbypatchwherehis
headrests.PoorDad.He’sashellofthemanheusedtobe.

Ipushmyselfoffthedooranddumpmycollegebagonthestairs.
“I’vecomehomeearly….”Imakemywaytothelivingroomandnudgethedoorwithmyhip.“Ifeel

crap.”ThedoorswingsopenandIshiftmyweighttotakeastepforward,butsomethingmakesmepause.

Theheavybrocadecurtainsaredrawnmakingtheroomdarkbutinthesoftbluehuecomingfromthe

TV,ImakeouttheshapeofDadlyingonthesofa.

AndIknowsomethingiswrong.
MyeyesarestilladjustingtothedarknesssoIdon’tseeanythingamiss,butIfeelit.It’shangingin

theairmakingallthetinyhairsonmyarmsstandup.

ForGod’ssake,Emily,getagrip.
Imentallyshakemyself,stepintotheroomandhitthelightswitch.
AndthenIseeit.
Blood.
Everywhere.
It’supthewalls,soakedintothecarpet,andallovermylovelyDad.
Iholdontothewalltosteadymyselfasswirlsofreddanceandcollidebeforemyeyes.
Thishastobeabaddream.
Isquint,forcingmyfocustosettleonDad’sface.Hiseyesareopenandvacant,andhe’sso

pale.I’veneverseenanyonethatpalebefore.

Myfeetfeelanchoredtothefloor.Iforceoneleginfrontoftheothertogotohim.
I’vetakentwo,maybethreesteps,whenIcatchsightofsomethingmovingoverbythecurtains.
Shit.
Myheartpicksupanewcrazyrhythmasadarkfigureunfurls.Aman?
I'mbarelybreathing.MyeyesstaygluedtotheintruderwhileinthebackgroundaTVchefharpson

abouttheimportanceofgettingyouroventotherighttemperaturebeforeaddingyoursoufflés.

Noneofthisisreal,Iremindmyself.Noneofthisishappening.
Theintruderisuprightnow.He’sholdinghisblood-spatteredhoodietightaroundhisfaceinabidto

concealhimself.Onlyhiseyesarevisible.Theymeetmineforasplitsecondbeforehisheaddipsandhe
chargespastme,towardsthedoor,knockingmeoffbalance.

Instinctively,stupidly,Ireachouttosteadymyselfandgrabholdofhissleeve.Heripsitbackinan

attempttoshakemeoff,butmyknucklesturnwhitewithavice-likegrip.IknowIshouldletgobutI’m
paralysedbyfear.

Themonster'schestrisesandfallsinquicksuccession,buthesaysnothing.Helooksupfrommy

handandhiseyesmeetmine,theskinaroundthemtighteningandthenloosening,asifhe’spleadingwith
me.

Thisisjustabaddream.IfIcanwakemyselfuptheneverythingwillgobacktonormal.
AflashoflightbouncesoffmetalandbeforeIcanreactIrealiseabladehasbeendrawnalongmy

arm.

ThesoundoftheTVfadesandtheairaroundmestillsandit’ssosurreal,Iwanttolaugh.
Iraisemyarmandholditfrontofmyface,unabletotakemyeyesfromtheredlinesnakinganugly

pathfrommywristtomyelbow.

IseeitbutIdon’tbelieveit.
Thereisn’tanypain.
It’sbecauseI’mdreamingandnoneofthisisreal.
ThelinegetsthickeruntilitgapesandItiltmyheadasdarkredbloodspillsontothepaleskinofmy

forearm.

Ihearasharpintakeofbreathandrealiseit’scomingfromme.Arushofheatspreadsupmyarmas

ifsomeone’sjustdraggedared-hotpokeralongmyskin.

Andtheneverythingbecomessharpandclearandterrifyinglyreal.
ThefrontdoorslamsandIsnapmyheadinthatdirection.
Thisreallyhappened.
Handstrembling,Ipulloutmyphoneanddial999.DeepdownIalreadyknowit’stoolateforDad.

Chapter2

Sixmonthslater

BythetimeIstepofftheplane,clearimmigrationandretrievemysuitcasefromthecarousel,Ican

barelykeepmyeyesopen.

ThearrivalsareaatLosAngelesairportishotandnoisy.Anintercomannouncementisdrownedout

bythebabbleofthecrowd;aseaoffaceswaitingtomeetthepeoplecomingoffmyflight.Somewhere
amongthemshouldbeRachel,mymother.

Iwheelthegrey,batteredsuitcaseholdingallmyworldlypossessionsinfrontofmeandtryto

ignorethebackpackdiggingintomyshoulder.Peopleinsmartsuitsholdupsignsdisplayingsurnames
whileotherpeople,morecasuallydressedruntoembracetheirlovedones.

Aman’sfacelightsupwhenayoungwomanthrowsherselfathim.Ashehugsher,silverystrandsof

hairflopawayfromhisbaldspot.Fatheranddaughter?Myheartgivesaninvoluntarysqueeze.

Ormaybeit’saninternetromanceandheliedabouthisage….
Beadsofsweattrickledownmyspine.Istop,shrugthebackpackoffandpullmywhite,cotton

sleevebackintoplace,makingsureitreachesallthewaytomywristandcompletelycoversmyscar.
ThenIhaulthebackpackupontomyothershoulderandscanthecrowdsagain.

I’mlookingforawomaninherearlyfortieswithlongtoffee-colouredhair.I’veonlyseenRachel

onceinthefiveyearssincesheleftLondon.ThatwasinMarchthisyear,justafterDadwaskilled.She
stayedwithmeforanintenselydifficultweekandbeforesheleft,sheaskedmetocomeandlivewithher
inCalifornia.Ididn’thesitatetosayno.Ididn’twanttogoanywherewithher,notforapermanentmove,
orevenjustashortvisit.

Forward-windsixmonthsandI’muptomyeyeballsindebt.I’mashamedfornotmanagingmy

moneybetterafterDaddied.Itookovertherunningofthejointaccount,andamidstthechaosofchanging
accountsintomysolename,thescammersslitheredinandhelpedthemselvestomostofthefunds.Unable
tokeepupwiththerentonDad’shouseand,moreimportantly,unabletobuyfood,I’dhadnochoicebut

toacceptRachel’soffer.

SohereIam.
ThecrowdsthinoutaspeoplefrommyflightmoveonbutIstillcan’tseeher.Ilookovermy

shouldertoseeifI’vemissedherandspotahandwavinginthedistance.Itsoundslikesomeoneis
callingmyname;afemalevoicetoohigh-pitchedtobeRachel’s.

SquintingtoseebetterImakeoutagirlstridingmyway.ShebreaksthroughagroupofpeopleandI

seeherproperlyforthefirsttime.She’swearingacreamcroppedshirtandashorthigh-waistedskirt
showingoffendlesslegs.

Shestopsinfrontofmeandleansononeofthebarrierposts,panting.“Emily,I’msosorryI’mlate.”

TheaccentisafunnymixofEnglishandAmerican.Shelooksmeupanddown,flashingarowofperfect
whiteteeth.“Thisiscrazy,”shepants.“Ican’tbelieveyou’reactuallyhere.”

IknowI’mstaring,butIcan’thelpit.Itakeinthemassesofdark,wavyhair,thebrowneyesandthe

small,slightlyupturnednose.She’sataller,tannedversionofme.

“Harrie?”
Shelaughs.“Areyouhavingtroublerecognisingme,sis?”
ThelongerIlook,themoreIseeit’sher,butatthesametime...she’schangedsomuch.
Harrieismyhalf-sister.ShecametoliveinCaliforniawithRachelfiveyearsagowhileIgotleft

behindinLondon.

Ipursemylipsandblowoutadeepbreath.ThenIslidemysuitcaseunderthebarrierandcrouch

downtofollowit.

“HardlyanyonecallsmeHarrieanymore,”shesays,pullingherhairintoaponytailanddroppingit

loosebehindhershoulders.“It’stooboyish.IpreferHarriet.”

Igiveasmallnod.“Harriet.Right.”
Sheholdsmewithhereyes,takesalonginhaleandsmiles.“Butyoucancallmewhateverthehell

youlike.I’mjustsohappyyou’rehere.”

Igiveatightsmileandlookaroundthearrivalshall.“Isshehere?”
Harrietlooksconfusedforamomentbutthenshearcheshereyebrows.“Oh,youmeanMom?No,

she’snot.Shecouldn’tgethereontime.Shefeelsterribleaboutit.Someissuewithacustomeror
something….Anyway,sheshouldbehomebythetimewegetback.”

Oh,well.MaybeIshouldbedisappointedRachelhasn’tputmefirstandcometomeetmeherself,

butthenshehasn’tputmefirstforthelastfiveyearssoI’vegrownathickskinwhereshe’sconcerned.

Harriettakesasmallsniff,stepscloserandstretchesherarmswide.
Ihesitate.I’mnotsureI’veforgivenherforleavingme.Harriewasmybestfriendintheworldatthe

time.Icouldbarelycopewithmymomleaving,butHarrieaswell?Itwastoomuch.

“It’ssogoodtoseeyou,Em,”shewhispers.
Ipressmyteethtogetherandleanforward,myarmsstiffbymysides.
Shewrapsherarmsaroundmeandsqueezestight.Herhair,whichsmellsofcoconut,ticklesmy

face.Iswallowhardandtrytomakesenseofmyfeelings;there’sapartofmethatwantstohugherback
justasfierce.ThisisthebigsisterIadored,thesisterI’vemissedfarmorethanIcaretoadmittomyself.
AwellofemotionthreatenstoengulfmesoIdisentanglemyselfandstepback.

Harrietstraightens,herglittering.“I’vemissedyousomuch,”shewhispers.
WherewereyouwhenIneededyouthen?Isqueezemylipsintoasmileandgripmysuitcase

handle.

“I’msorryIdidn’tcometoseeyouinMarch,”shecarrieson.“Iwantedto,butI’vegotthisstupid

fearofflying.”Shewipesherhandstogether.“Justbeingattheairportismakingmypalmsallsweaty.It’s
ridiculous.IfeelawfulIcouldn’tgetonaplaneandbethereforyouafterlosingMike.”

Ishakemyhead.“It’sokay.Don’tfeelbadaboutit.”

Dadwasmyrock;theonlypersonintheworldIcouldcounton.Rachelgavemenocomfortwhen

sheflewoverinMarchsoIdoubtHarrietbeingtherewouldhavemademuchdifferenceeither.

DadlovedHarrie.Heraisedherasifshewerehisown,sowhensheandourmotherskippedoffto

Californiawithoutabackwardglance,itnearlybrokehim.Hishealthsufferedandheneverfully
recovered.

Ilookdownatmysneakersandclearmythroat.“Canwegonow?”
Hereyebrowspressdownandsheopenshermouthlikeshe’sabouttosaysomething,butthenher

shouldersdropandsheclosesitagain.“Sure.Here,letmecarryyourbackpack.”

Irelaxalittle.I’mnotreadytotalkaboutDadyet.That’sanotherreasonIagreedtocometo

California;totryanddistancemyselffromwhathappenedinLondonbackinMarch.

It’sapproachingduskasweentertheshort-staycarpark.Idragmysuitcaseovertheroughsurface

followingHarriettowardsaNissanRogue.

Shepressesherkeyfobandthelightsflash.“MomandDominicboughtitformeacoupleofyears

ago,”sheannounces.“Aneighteenthbirthdaypresent….”

Apangofresentmenthitsme.IneverwantedanythingasextravagantasacarfromRachel,justa

cardonanygivenbirthdaywouldhavebeennice.

Harrietslingsmybackpackintotheboot,ortrunkasshecallsit,beforehelpingmeliftthesuitcase

in.Sheslamsthedoordownandrunsaroundtomyside,sweepingemptydrinkcansandfoodwrappers
offtheleather.“Sorryaboutthemess,”shesays,pullingagrimace.“IfI’dknownIwaspickingyouup,
I’dhavegiventhecaragoodclearout.”

“Don’tworry.”Iclimbinandcarefullypositionmyfeetaroundtheemptysandwichpackets.“It

doesn’tbotherme.”

Anaromaofvanillacomesfromtheair-freshenerhangingoffhermirror.Itcatchesatthebackofmy

throatandmakesmecough.

“So,Em….”shepauseswhilesheputsthecarintoreverseandbacksoutoftheparkingspace.

“Howoldareyounow…eighteen?Haveyoustarteddrivinglessonsyet?”

Ishakemyhead.“Iwastakinglessons,butIgavethemup,after....”Thesentencediesonmylips.
Harrietturnsfromthewindscreentolookatme.HereyesaresympatheticbutIholdhergaze,

willinghernottofinishmysentence.

WeexitthecarparkandtravelinsilenceasHarrietnegotiatesourwayontothemainroad.The

traffic’sbackedrightup,butIdon’tmind.I’minnorushtogettoRachel’shouse.Ipressbackintothe
headrestandstareoutthewindscreentryingtogetusedtobeingonthe‘wrong’sideoftheroad.Theyare
somuchbiggerthantheroadsbackhome.Icounttwelvelanesoftrafficatonepoint.

Eithersideofthefreewayhugebillboardsadvertiserestaurants,perfumeandthelatestmovies.

Therearegiant,toweringpalmtreeseverywhere.

“Hey,youknowwhat?Harrietsays.“Youshouldgetbackinthesaddleagain.Haveawordwith

Mom.Iknowshe’dbehappytoarrangedrivinglessonsforyou.”

Ikeepmyeyesforward,staringthroughthewindow.There’snowayI’llaskRacheltodothat.I

don’twantherbuyingmyaffections.I’mnotsurewhatitisIdowantfromher,butit’snotthat.

Ibringahanduptomymouthandnibbleasorepieceofskinbymythumbnail.Thethoughtofseeing

heragainismakingmystomachchurn.

ThetruthisIadoredmymomwhenIwasachild.WithherAmericanaccentandlongsilkyhair,I

thoughtshewasthemostglamorouswomanthateverexisted.Therewasanalwaysachiffonscarftied
aroundherneckandsheneverwentwithoutherfavouriteperfume;FleurdeRocaille.Everythingshe
ownedcarriedthesamefloralscent,fromherclothestothecontentsofherbag.

IlovedhertobitsandIthoughtshelovedmethesame.Butmomswholovetheirchildrenputthem

first,don’tthey?Theydon’tabandontheiroffspringtostartanewlifewiththeirrichboyfriend,five-
thousand,four-hundredandfifty-sixmilesaway.

Inherdefence,shehadintendedtotakemewithher.Californiaiswhereshewasborn,theplaceshe

grewup,andshealwaysplannedtomovebackthereoneday.Dadwasupforittoo.Thatwasuntil
RachelmetDominicandcutDadoutofherplans.

ThereweremassiverowswhenDadfoundoutshewasplanningtotakeuswithouthim.Heknew

therewasnothinghecoulddoaboutHarrietbecauseshewasn’thisdaughter,butIwashistrumpcard;his
actualfleshandblood.Hesaidtherewasnowayhewouldlethertakeme.Rachellaughedinhisfacebut
he’dmeantwhathesaid.Itendedupgoingthroughthecourtsandgettingmessy,butDadwonandRachel
wasforbiddenfromtakingmeoutoftheUK.

Dadthoughtthatwouldbetheendofit.Heneverdreamtshewouldstillgoaheadwithherplans

aftershelostthecourtcase.ButMother,blessher,decidedgoingtoCaliforniawithoutmewasn’tsucha
hardshipafterall,andoffshewent.

IknowDadfeltguiltyaboutitall,butheshouldn’thaveworried.Iwasgladhefoughtformetostay.

Atleastitprovedoneofmyparentslovedmeunconditionally.AndbythetimeRachelleft,Iwasgladto
seethebackofher.

Ireallywas.

Mymouthhasgonedry.ItoywiththeideaofaskingHarriettodropmeoffatahotelforthenight.

Maybeafteragoodnight’ssleepI’llfeelstrongerandthenIcangotothehouseandfaceRachelinthe
morning….

Igiveitsomeseriousthought,butonreflectionIknowI’mjustdelayingtheinevitable.AndI’m

prettysureHarrietwouldneveragreetoitanyway.

“Notlongnow,”shesaysbreezily,turningrightatacrossroads.
Idrummyfingersonmyleg.I’mnotready.Ineedtobuymoretime.
“Harriet...doyoumindifwegosomewherefirstandgrabadrinkorsomething?I’mfeelingquite

thirsty.”

Sheraisesaneyebrow.
“Iwasjustthinkingitwouldbenicetogotoadinerorsomething....”Myvoicehasgoneupafew

octaves.

Harrietlaughs.“Wedon’thavetogoouttogetadrink.There’splentyofstuffatthehouse.”
Iconcentrateonkeepingmyvoicelevel.“I’djustreallyliketogosomewherefirst,ifthat’sokay

withyou?”

Shegivesmeafunnylookandthenshrugshershoulders.“Ofcourse.”Asmileformsonherlips.

“Actually,there’saquirkylittleplaceoppositethebeach.ItstaysopenlateonaWednesdaynightandit’s
notfarfromthehouse.Doyouwanttogothere?”

Chapter

3

Thecafe,O’Shea’sPlace,is...different.Thetablesandchairsareamixoffunkystylesandvibrant

colours.Allalongonesidefloor-to-ceilingglasspanelsstandatirregularanglesgivingadistortedview
ofthePacificOcean.Thethreeremainingwallsareblue-washedtimberandcrammedwithartworkand
funnysayings.

Afteraquickvisittotherestroom,Harrietpointstoapatioareabeyondtheglass.“I’llorderour

drinks;yougofindussomewheretosit.”Shegrabsamenuoffatableandwavesitinmyface.“Andwhat
aboutsomethingtoeatwhilewe’rehere?”

MystomachrumblesandIrealiseIhaven’teatensinceHeathrowAirport,aboutfourteenhours

earlier.

“Aburgerwouldgodownwell.”Isay,reachingformypurse.Iflipitopenandstareatthe

unfamiliardollarbillsandcoins.IexchangedthemoneyIraisedfromsellingDad’sfurniturebackin
London,butIhaven’thadachancetofamiliarisemyselfwiththecurrencyyet.IofferthepursetoHarriet.
“Here,takewhatyouneed.Mytreat.”

Shebatsitaway.“Don’tbesilly.You’retheguest.GofindatableandI’llbeoutinacoupleof

minutes.”

Sheturnsandmakesherwaytothecounter,andmyeyesfollowher.It’ssoweirdtobewithher

againafterallthistime.Andshe’sright;Iamaguest.Idon’tbelonghere.ButthenIdon’tfeellikeI
belonginEnglandeither.IseemtohavelostmyselfoverthesepastsixmonthsandnowIdon’treally
knowwhereIbelong.

Imakemywayovertotheglassdoor,pushitopenandstepoutsideontothedecking.
Therearesixtablesonthepatio,eachwithatealightinthecentrethrowingpatternsoflightontothe

surfaces.Beyondthetablesisawoodenfencewithwhitelightsstrungalongit,separatingthepatioarea
fromthedustyroadandthebeachbeyond.Iwalkacrossandleanonthewood,gazingouttowardsthe
ocean.

Inthefewshortminutessinceweenteredthecafe,theskyhaschanged,intensifyingdramatically.

Tallpalmtreesaresilhouettedagainstpalepurples,lavendersandpinksandonthehorizon,fierystreaks
oforangeandyellowsizzleintotheocean.

Despitethesunsetting,it’swarm;muchwarmerthanitwouldbeinLondoninlateSeptember.

There’sabreezecomingoffthewateranditcatchesandliftsmyhair.Iclosemyeyesandinhalethebriny
scentoftheoceanandforabriefmomentIfeelcalm.Peaceful.I’dalmostforgottenhowthatfeels.

Itakeacouplemorebreaths,fillingmylungswiththefreshoceanairbeforepushingmyselfoffthe

fenceandsittingdownatthenearesttable.

Agirlwithwavyblondehairapproachesagroupofgirlsseatednearby.“Hey….”shesays,leaning

acrossthetabletocatchtheirattention.“There’sareallyhotguyinside.”

Herfriendsgiggleastheytwistround,attemptingtocatchaglimpseofwhoevershe’stalkingabout

throughtheglass.

“AndwhenIsayhot....”sheemphasiseseachword,“Imeanonfire.Seriously.”Shecatchesme

listeningandwinks.

Ismilepolitelyandturnmyattentionbacktothetealight.I’mnotremotelyinterested.Hotguysare

thelastthingonmymindrightnow.

It’snotlongbeforeHarrietcomesoutsidetojoinme.ShebangstwobottlesofCokeonthetableand

retrievesacoupleofstrawsfromherpocket.

“Thankyou,”Isay,takingastrawfromher,peelingoffthewrapperandinsertingitintothenearest

bottle.ThenIpursemylipsarounditanddrawintheicydrink.Harrietpicksupherbottleandpauses,
holdingthestrawbetweenherthumbandforefinger.“IknowIkeepsayingit,butitreallyisgoodtosee
you,Em.I’msohappyyouwantedtocomeandstaywithus.”

Ifightmyinstincttotellherthetruth;Ididn’twanttocome,butIhadnowhereelsetogo.InsteadI

ballmyhandintoafistonmylapandplasteronasmile.

Hergazelingersonmyfaceandherexpressiontightensasifshe’sfightingawaveofemotion.
Iknowwhat’scoming….
“ItmusthavebeenawfulforyoutowalkinthehouseandfindDadlikethat.”
Ishootherawarninglook.Don’tgothere.
Sheignoresit.“Ican’tbelieveyouweretherewhilethemurdererwasstillintheroom….”
Mymindbringsupareplayofthatafternoonandafamiliartsunamiofemotionthreatenstoengulf

me.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,”Ihiss.

Shepressesherlipstogetherandswitchesherfocustotheflickeringtealight.
Ibreathedeepandeven,mentallyforcingtheuglyfeelingsbackinside.
WhenHarrieteventuallylooksbackup,herwateryeyeslockwithmine.“We’reallworriedabout

you,Em.Whatyou’vebeenthrough….whatyou’veseen.…It’senoughtobringanyonetotheirknees.”

Ifrownandlookaway.
“Mom’sbeentalkingtohertherapistaboutyou,”shesaysgently.“Hesaidit’snothealthytobottle

upstufflikethis.You’regoingtohavetotalkaboutitsometime.”

“Ican’tdothis,”Iwhisper.“Notnow.”
“Em,listentome….”
Isnap.“Harrie,stop.Please,I’mbeggingyou.”
Thegirlsatthenexttablehavegonequietandacouplearestaringourway.Ilowermyvoice.“Iwill

talkaboutit...oneday.Butnotyet.I’mnotready,okay?”

Shewatchesmeforamomentbeforegivingasmall,jerkynod.Thensheloopsafewstrandsofhair

aroundherfingerandstartstwistingit.“IjustwantyoutoknowI’mhereforyou,Em.Wheneveryou’re
readytoopenup.”

Iturntolookacrosstheocean.“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.
Wesittakingsmallsipsofourdrinks,thesilencebetweenusgrowingmorepronouncedwitheach

longsecond.Mychestfeelsheavy.I’mbeginningtothinkI’vemadeahugemistakebycominghere.

Thesilenceisshatteredwhenthegirlwiththewavyhairsquealsoutloud.“YouknowthathotguyI

toldyouabout….”sheaddresseshertable.“Wellhe’sjustcomeoutside.Andhe’slookingourway.”

IcatchHarriet’sattention.“Maybeit’sbecausethey’reallstaringathim.”Iwhisper.“He’sprobably

decidingwhethertogetarestrainingorderornot.”

Shelaughsandtheawkwardnessofthelastfewminuteseases.
Harrietturnstowardstheglassdoor,toseewhothegirlistalkingabout.Whensheturnsbackher

smilehasgone.“So,it’snotthemhe’slookingat.It’syou.”

Ishrug.“Hecanlookallhelikes.I’mnotinterested.”Menandrelationshipsspelldrama,anddrama

isthelastthingIneedrightnow.ButasIpickuptheicybottleandpositionthestrawbetweenmylips,I
can’tresistasidewaysglanceatwhoeverthegirlsareswooningover.

Ispothimimmediately.He’schattingtoagroupofpeopleseatednearthedoor.Hehasdirtyblonde

hairandfacialstubble.He’swearingablackt-shirtwithsunglasseshookedovertheneckandthere’sa
tattoorunninguptheinsideofhisarm.

Istareforamomenttoolongandheturns,nailingmewithhiseyes.
Busted.
Iinhalesomeofmycoke,splutteringasIspinbackroundtoHarriet.She’sstaringatmewithher

eyebrowsraised.

“Well,Iguessthey’reright,”Isay,wipingcokefrommychin.“Heisprettyhot.”
Shesniffs.“Heis,butguyswholooklikethat…they’renogood.Theyknowtheycanhavetheir

pickofgirlsanditruinsthem.”

“Oh,that’sabitharsh.Hecouldbeareallyniceguyforallweknow.”
Shelookshorrified.“Pleasedon’ttellmeyou’dbetakeninbylooksalone.”
“Ofcoursenot.”Icastmyeyesdownandstartfiddlingwithabitoflabelthat’speeledawayfrom

mybottle.“Anyway,menarethelastthingonmymindrightnow.”

“Icanunderstandthat….”
“AndevenifIwasinterestedinhookingupwithsomeone,itwouldn’tbehim.He’snotmytype.”
IexpectHarriettocommentbutshestayssilent.Ilookupandnoticeherlipsarepressedintoathin

lineandtheskinaroundhereyesistightening.

I’mabouttoaskherwhattheproblemiswhenasmooth,deepvoicecutsinfrombehind.
“Who’snotyourtype?”
Myfingersdigintotheglassbottle.Iknowwithoutlookingwhoisstandingbehindme.
Crap.
ItakeadeepbreathbeforeItrustmyselftospeak.“Doyoumind?”Mytonesoundsmorehostilethan

Iintend.“I’mtryingtohaveaprivateconversation.”Iturnaroundtogivehimasnarkysmilebutitfreezes
onmylips.

He’sstandingcloserthanIexpected,practicallyinvadingmypersonalspace.He’stall;acoupleof

inchesoversixfootI’dguess.Hisfeaturesareperfectly-sculpted,andclose-upIcanseehowhisblue
eyescontrastagainsthisdarklashesandeyebrows.Hesmellsgoodtoo,spicyandfresh.ThefactthatI
noticeallthisirritatesme.

There’sasmirkonhisface.“You’llhavetoforgiveme…itwasn’tmyintentiontopissyouoff.I

justcameovertodeliverthese.”Heholdsuptwoplatesandplacesoneinfrontofmeandtheotherin
frontofHarriet.

Ourburgers.
Crap.Ihadn’tnoticedhewasholdinganything.
ForthesecondtimesinceIsawhim,alloftwominutesago,Ifeelbloodrushtomycheeks.
Harrietjumpsinandrescuesme.“Thankyou,”shesays.“You’llhavetoforgivemysister.She’sjust

flowninfromLondonsoshe’sabitjet-lagged.”

Idon’tsayanything.Isitstill,prayingforthegroundtoopenupandswallowmewhole.
“Hey,don’tworryaboutit.”Hesmilescausingdimplestoforminhischeeksandtomydisgust,

somethingrespondsdeepinmystomach.“IenjoygettingputinmyplacebypeoplewhosoundlikeMary
Poppins.It’skindofsexy.”Hebrushesahandacrosshistopandholdsatanned,musculararmtowards
me.“Seriously,nohardfeelings.”

Idrawinadeepbreath,holdmyarmouttomeethisandhiswarmhanddwarfsmypalm.Theskin-

on-skincontactsendstinyelectriccurrentsupmyarm.Itrynottonotice.

“I’mNateO’Shea.”Hisarmstills,thehandshakepartover,buthekeepsholdofmyhandashiseyes

burnintomine.“Andyouare?”

Iswallow.“Emily.”Allthevenomhasdisappearedfrommyvoiceanditnowsoundsunnatural;too

highorsomething.

Hislipscurveintoasmile.“It’sgreattomeetyou,Emily.”
Idon’tthinkIcouldfeelanymoreuncomfortablethanIdorightnow.Islipmyhandfromhisgrasp

andgesturetowardsHarriet.“AndthisisHarrie,mysister.”

Sheraisesherhandtowardshim.“Harriet,”shecorrects.
Hereachesacrossandshakesherhand,hissmilestillinplace.“It’sgoodtomeetyoutoo,Harriet.”
OncetheintroductionsareoverIexpecthimtoleave,buthestayswhereheis,restingahandonthe

backofmychair.

Iwishhe’dmoveit.It’sdistracting.
“So,Emily,you’vejustflowninfromLondon,huh?”
Itwistroundatanawkwardangleandgivehimanod.
HemovestothesidesoIcanseehimbetter.“Areyouhereonvacation?”
“Ah,no.Notreallyavacation….”
“No,she’snot,”Harrietsays,pluckingthetopoffherburgerandinspectingthedillpicklebeneath.

“She’scomeheretolivewithmeandourmom.”

IshootafrownatHarriet.I’monlyherewhileIsortmyselfout.IhavenoideawhatI’mdoinglong

term.

“So,NateO’Shea....”HarrietglancestowardstheO’Shea’sPlacesignhangingoverthedoor,“Do

youownthiscafé?”

Helookstowardsthesignandnods.“Yeah,it’smine.”Thenhegivesheracrookedsmile.“Well,

mineandmyinvestor’s.”Hiseyeslightupashethinksofsomething.“Hey,Idon’tsupposeeitherofyou
arelookingforwork?”Itsoundslikehe’sthrowingthequestionouttobothofus,butit’smehe’slooking
at.“Oneofmywaitresses,Olivia,hasjustgoneonmaternityleaveandherreplacementfellthrough.I
needsomeonetohelpoutforafewmonths.”

“Ican’t,”Harrietsays,“I’matcollegefull-timedoingbusinessstudies.”
Iturntofaceher.“Ididn’tknowyouweretakingbusinessstudies.”
“That’sbecauseyou’veneverasked….”
Ouch.
NateplaceshishandonmyarmandI’mintenselyawareofhistouchagain.“Whataboutyou,Emily?

Couldyouseeyourselfworkinghere?”

“Oh,uh….”Iclearmythroat.“I’mnotsureI’mevenallowedtoworkoverhere.I’dprobablyneed

somekindofpermit?”

“Youdon’t,”Harrietpicksupapacketofketchupandusesherteethtoripthecorneroff.“Momwas

bornheresoyouhavebirthrightcitizenship.”

“Awesome,”Natesays,nottakinghiseyesfrommine.
“Butshedoesn’tneedajob,”Harrietadds.
Nate’sstilllookingatme,waitingformetosaysomething.
Iclearmythroat.“Comingherewasabitofalast-minutedecision.Ihaven’treallythoughtthatfar

aheadyet.”

Hewithdrawshishandfrommyarm,fishesapenoutofhispocketandwritessomethingonasmall

pad.“Here….”Heripsoffthetopsheetandhandsittome.“Ifyouchangeyourmind,givemeacalland
we’llsortsomethingout.”

Isuckinadeepbreathandtakethepaper,knowingIhavenointentionofcallinghim.Imanagea

briefsmileandprayforhimtohurryupandleavesoIcanstopfeelingsouncomfortable.

“Well,I’dbettergetbacktowork,”hesays,raisinghiseyebrows.Heseemsreluctanttogo.“Popin

anytime.It’dbereallygoodtoseeyou.”HeremembershismannersandturnstoHarriet.“Bothofyou….”

Chapter

4

Lessthantenminutesafterclimbinginthecar,HarrietisparkingtheNissanRogueonthedriveway

besideablackAudi.

“She’sback,”shesaysunderherbreath.I’mnotsure,butitsoundslikereliefinhervoice.Didshe

thinkRachelmightnothavebotheredcominghome?

“Well,thisisit.”Shebrightensandwavesanarmtheatricallytowardsthehouseinfrontofus.

“Welcometoyournewhome,Emily.”

Istareupatthelargehouse.It’sstunning-palelemonwallsbathedinlight,wroughtironshutterson

thewindowsandalargewoodendoor.

“It’salotbiggerthanIthought.”
“Itisprettybig.It’snotwherewestartedoff.”Shepointsupthestreet.“Weusedtoliveinan

apartmentbuildingupthere.”

“WithDominic?”
“Jesus,no.”Shelaughs.“Ithinkhiswifemighthavehadsomethingtosayaboutthat.”
“Oh,Ididn’tknowhewasmarriedwhenyoucameover.”
“Hestillis.Hiswifehasgotsomelong-termillness.Shebarelyrecogniseshimthesedays,buthe

feelsobligedtostaywithher.Momdidn’tmindbecausehepaidalltherentontheapartmentandspent
mostofhistimewithusanyway.ButwhenshesnappedbacktohersensesandwantedtogobacktoMike
inLondon,Dominicboughtthishousetopersuadehertostay.”

I’monlyhalf-listeningtoherasIlookupanddownthestreet.So,thisistheplaceRachelcame

whensheleftmefiveyearsago.

Istillrememberthatdayvividly.Rachel,orMomasIcalledherbackthen,hadaskedmetostepinto

thehallwayforamoment.I’dbeenwatchingTVandhadlumberedintothehallwithmyshoulders
droopedandmyhandsswingingbymysides,readytocomplainabouttheinterruption.WhenIsawher
standingsolemnlybythefrontdoor,theprotestdiedonmylips.

Hersuitcasewasbyhersideandherlipswerepressedintoathinline.Shesmiledwhenshesaw

me,butevenatthatyoungageIknewitwasforced,notgenuine.

She’dbentdownandplacedaperfectlymanicuredhandonmyshoulder.“Emily,Ineedyoutobe

brave,honey.”Hervoicefaltered.“I’mafraidIhavetoleave.”

Instincttoldmeshewastalkinglongerthanoneofherregulartrips.WhenIspoke,itcameoutasa

whisper.“Why?”

Shefrowned,glancingbeyondmetothedoorwayofthediningroom.Itwistedaroundtofollowher

gazeandsawDadleaningagainstthedoorjambwithalookonhisfacethatterrifiedme.He’dbeenill
recentlysoIwasusedtohimlookingrough,buthisbrowswerepinchedtogetherandhiseyeswerered
andpuffy.

Momreachedoutandtouchedmychin,draggingmyfocusbacktoher.“I’msorry,Em,thereisno

easywaytosaythis....”Shepausedtoclearherthroat.“I’mgoingtoliveinCalifornia.”

Iscrewedmyfaceup.“ButIthoughtthejudgesaidyoucouldn’tgo?”
Sheshookherhead.“No,whatthejudgesaidwasthatIcouldn’ttakeyouwithme.”
Ididn’treactforafewmoments.Ijuststaredatherastheuglyrealisationsunkin.
“No,”Isaideventually,myfacecrumpling.“Pleasedon’tleaveme.”IlookedbacktowardsDad.I

desperatelyneededhimtosaysomething;makeMomtakebackherwords,tellmeeverythingwasgoing
tobeokay.Buthejuststoodthere,motionless.

“I’msorryhoney….”Mom’svoicewasfirmbutgentle.“Ireallydohavetogo.”
Iturnedbacktofaceher,hottearsoffrustrationspillingontomycheeks.“No,”Icried,lungingather

andgrabbingfistfulsofchiffonscarf.“Youcan’tleaveme.”

Sheloweredherhead,scoopedmeintoafiercehugandwhisperedintomyhair,“Pleasedon’tdo

this,Emily.It’skillingme.”Sheheldmetightforacoupleofminutes,longenoughformetoburymyface
inhertopandsoakit.Thefloralsmellofherperfumewasbothcomfortinganddevastatingallatonce.
Thensheletgoandsteppedbackcreatingamassivevoid.Panicroseinmythroat.Ireachedforwardto
grabherhand.Iwantedtoholdittightandneverletgo,forcehertostaywithme,butshepulledit
sharplyoutofmyreach.Thenshedisappearedthroughthefrontdoorandoutofmylife.

IturnbacktoHarriet,desperatetodelaywalkingupthefrontstepstothehouse.“Thanksforcoming

topickmeup.”Myvoicehaspickedupanannoyingwobble.

“Hey….”Sheputsherhandonmyarmandgivesitasmallsqueeze.“Itwasmypleasure.”
There’saclickasHarrietpopsthetrunk.Itakeadeepbreathandforcemyselftoclimboutofthe

seat.

Thewarmeveningaircarriesthefragranceofflowers…nightjasmineIthink,andIcanhearthe

unmistakeable‘phftt,phftt’noisecomingfromsprinklersupanddownthestreet.

IjoinHarrietatthebackofthecar,haulingmysuitcaseoutwithagruntbeforestandingitonits

wonkywheels.Harrietheavesmybackpackoutandslingsitacrosshershoulder.“Okaythen,”Shearches

aneyebrowandstudiesmyface.“Areyouready?”

Notreally.Igiveheraquicknodandtrytoignorethesoundofbloodrushinginmyears.
ItraceHarriet’sfootstepsacrossthedriveandupthestonestepstowardsthelargewoodendoor.

Insteadofknocking,Harrietpunchesanumberintoakeypadandthenusingherfreeshoulder,pushesit
open.

IlugmycaseoverthethresholdandfollowHarrietinside.Thefrontdoorleadsstraightintoalarge,

airyhallway,andbeyondthatIcanmakeoutanopenplanlivingroomanddiningarea.Thedecoris
contemporary.Thewallsandfurnishingsareneutralshadesofcreamandgrey,thereareacoupleof
tastefulpicturesonthewalls,andahugevaseofflowersbringingasplashofcolourtotheplace.

Asweturnintothelivingarea,IseeRachel.She’ssittingonasofawhichwasjustoutofviewfrom

thehallway.Shelooksupandherlipspartasshecatchesherbreath.

“Heresheis,”Harrietannouncesbreezily.I’mnotsurewhichoneofusshe’saddressing.
IstopwalkingandRachelandIstareateachotherawkwardly.Shelookstiredandalotolderthan

shedidjustsixmonthsago.She’swearingalongcreamsalontunic,andherhairispulledintoamessy
knotwithstrandsstickingoutatoddangles.Inherhandisanemptyglass.

Nottakinghereyesoffme,shecarefullyplacesherglassonthecoffeetableandstandsup.
Ifrown,feelingtheweightofhergaze.“Hello,”Isay,desperatetobreakthesilence.
“MypreciousEm,”shemurmurs.Hereyeshavegoneallglittery.Shewalksacrosstheroomand

stopsdirectlyinfrontofme.ThescentofFleurdeRocaillewrapsitselfaroundme,remindingmeofmy
childhoodandknockingmyguard.“Lookatyou,allgrownupandbeautiful.”

Myteetharepressedtogethersoharditmakesmyjawache.
“Youlooksomuchlikeme….”shesays,hervoicefaltering.“WhenIwasyourage.”
Iclearmythroat.“That’swhatyousaidlasttime.”
Shesmilesbrieflyandthenherfacecreasesasifshe’srememberedsomething.“I’msorryIdidn’t

meetyouattheairport.Ididn’thaveachoice.Itwasaworkthing….”

“It’sfine.Harrietexplained.”
Shenods.Thenshedoessomethingthatmakesmystomachclench.Shetakesadeepbreathandholds

herarmsout.“Well,whatareyouwaitingfor?Comeandgivemeabigsqueeze.”

Ifreeze.Ican’tdothis.I’mnotreadyforabigshowofaffectionfromher.
Myheartthumpswildlyasshestandstherelookingatme,hersmilegraduallymeltingassherealises

I’mnotgoingtoobligeher.Severalsecondsstretchoutbetweenusuntilshelowersherarms,nodsin
somekindofacceptanceandtakesastepback.

“Uh...thankyouforlettingmestayhere,”Isay,tryingtosmoothovertheawkwardness.“Ireally

appreciateit.”

Shescoffs.“Don’tberidiculous.I’mgladyou’rehere,Em.I’mgoingtotakegoodcareofyou.”
MaybeIshouldsaysomethingelsenice,butfiveyearsofresentmentclogsmythroat.I’mhere

becauseIhavenowhereelsetogo.I’mnotheretoletherlookaftermeandabsolveherguiltfrom
abandoningme.

“Iwantyoutomakeyourselfrightathome,honey.Ihopeitstartstofeellikeitsoon.”
“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.
Hervoicerisesinpitch.“So,howaboutmeandHarrietgiveyouaguidedtourofthehouse?Then

wecansitdownandhaveagoodold-fashionedgirliecatch-up.”

Ichewtheinsideofmycheek.AllIwanttodoisfindmyroomandshutthedoorsoIcanbreathe

again.“Actually,ifyoudon’tmind,I’mreallytired….”

Shetipsherheadtoonesideandfrowns.
“It’sjust...Ihaven’tsleptinovertwentyhours,”Isay,tryingtojustifymyself.“Icouldreallydo

withgoingstraighttobed.”

“Yes,ofcourse.”Shesmiles;asmilethatcontradictstheexpressioninhereyes.“Youdowhatever

youthink’sbest.”

Chapter

5

“Pleasedon’tdothis.”Ipressmyhandstogether,desperatelypleadingwiththefacelessstranger

whojustcamecrashingintothelivingroom.

Hespinsinmydirection.Beadsofsweatlinehistemplesandhischestheaveswitheachbreath.
Ilockeyeswithhim.“Please.Don’t.Do.This.”Icanbarelybreatheandit’safighttogeteach

wordout

Hiseyesareredandwildbutit’sasifhe’slookingrightthroughme.
Mygazetravelsdowntohishand,totheknifeIknowheisholding.He’sgrippingitsohardhis

knuckleshaveturnedwhite.

Mymouthisdry.Iforceaswallowandlookbacktohisface.“Puttheknifedown.”Myvoiceis

shaking.“Please.”

Hetiltshisheadandnarrowshiseyes,likehedoesn’tfullyunderstandwhatI’msaying.Thenhis

eyesslidedowntotheknifeandhegrowlslikeananimal.Hewrapshisotherhandaroundthehandle
andraisestheknifeintheair,alookofdeterminationonhisface.

“No,no,no….”

Abrightlightshinesbehindmyeyelids,joltingmeawake.Iraiseahandtoshieldmyeyes,and

desperatelytrytogetmybearings.

“Hey,hey.”Themattressgoesdownassomeonesitsonthebed.“You’resafe.You’recompletely

safe.”

Harriet.
Isitup,mybreathinglabouredasadrenalinecoursesthroughmysystem.
ThedooropenswiderandRachelcomesrushingin,stilltyingthesashonhersilkydressinggown.
“Wereyouhavinganightmare,honey?”
Inod.
shefinishestyingtheknotandleansoverthebed,raisinganarmtodrapearoundmyshoulders.I

shiftback;anautomaticreflex,andpullthesheettighteraroundme.

Hurtflashesinhermascara-smudgedeyes.Shestraightensandherfingersfindtheknotshejust

made,pullingittighterassheclearsherthroat.“IsthereanythingIcandoforyou,Emily?”

“No,I’mfine.”Iraiseahandtobrushdamphairfrommyface.“Igetbaddreamsallthetime.Ever

since…it…happened.Pleasedon’tmakeafuss.”

Harrietreachesouttotouchmyarm,butherhandfreezesmidway.“Oh,Em....”shebreathes.WhenI

realisewhatshe’slookingatmystomachtightens.Hereyesaregluedtomyarm.Shegrabsholdofmy
wristandpullsittowardsher,twistingittogetabetterview.

Ifollowhergazetotheredscarscreamingoutfrommypaleskin;myconstantreminderofthatday.I

hatepeopleseeingmyscar.Apartfromthehospitalstaff,Rachelistheonlypersontohaveseenit,and
thatwasonlybecauseshewastherewhenthenursewasdressingthewound.

Harriet’seyesarewideastheyflickfrommyarmtomyface.“Ididn’trealise....”shesays.“I-Ihad

noideaitwasthatbad.”

ShereleasesthepressureonmywristandIquicklysnatchmyarmbackandtuckitunderthesheet.
She’sstaringatmewithtearspooledinhereyesandIcan’tthinkofanythingtosaytochangethe

subject.

“Wasitpainful?”sheasks.

“Abit.It’sfinenow.Just…ugly.”
Shepressesherlipstogetherandshakesherhead.“Don’tsaythat.”
“It’sterriblewhatthatmonsterdid,”Rachelsnaps.“Ican’tbelievetheyhaven’tcaughthimyet.IfI

evergetmyhandsonhim….”

Ipullthesheetallthewayuptomyneckandsilentlywillthepairofthemtoleave.
Instead,RachelsitsonthebednexttoHarriet.“Nobodyisgoingtohurtyouhere,”shesoundsout

eachwordslowly,asifIshouldtakegreatcomfortfromthem.“Iwon’tletthem.”

Imanageatightsmile.
Sherunsapalmalongmysheet,ina‘tuckingin’typemanner,andweallsitinuncomfortablesilence

forafewmoments.Thensheclearsherthroatandstandsup.“So…canIgetyouadrink,Emily?Maybe
somethingtoeat?”

Ishakemyhead.“No,no.I’mfine.Really.”
“Rightthen.”Herfingersfindtheknotagain.“YouknowI’mhereforyou,honey.Anytimeyouneed

me.Dayornight....”

Iwanttolaugh.Anytime,dayornight?Shecouldn’tevenpickmeupfromtheairport.
“Idon’tneedyou,”Isay,andmywordshangawkwardlyintheair.IalmostfeelguiltywhenIsee

herwoundedexpression.Almost.

Shecloseshereyesforamomentandwhensheopensthemagainshetakesadeepbreath.“Okay,”

shesayssoftly.“IguessI’llseeyouinthemorningthen.”Withthat,shebacksoutoftheroom.

Istareattheemptydoorwaytryingtomakesenseofmyfeelings.FromthecornerofmyeyeIsee

Harrietfrowningatme.Iturntoherandraiseadefianteyebrow.

Sheshakesherhead,walksovertothedoorandpeersintothecorridorbeforepushingitshut.Then

sheturnstofacemeandsighs.“Em,whydoyouhavetobesohardonher?”

“Idon’tthinkI’mbeingthathardonher….”
“Comeon.FromwhereI’mstandingitlookslikeyou’regoingoutofyourwaytomakeherfeel

bad.”

Ishrug.“WellifIam,I’mnotdoingitonpurpose.Ijust...Ican’ttakeallthismotherlyaffection

she’slayingon.Shefeelslikeastrangertome.”Andsodoyou,actually.“Can’tyouseethisisallabit
weirdforme?”

Shestaresatme,unflinching.Thenhershouldersdrop.“Yes…Iseethat.Butyouhavetounderstand

whereshe’scomingfrom....Sheneverstoppedlovingyou,Em.Iknowshewon’twinanymother-of-the-
yearawardsbutshedoesloveyouandshe’sbeenreallyworriedaboutyou.”

Iforcemyvoicetostaylevel.“Harriet,ittooksomethingprettymajorforhertorememberIeven

existed.”

“That’snottrue.”Hergazepiercesintome.“Youhavenoideahowmuchshe’smissedyousincewe

lefttheUK.Itdamnnearbrokeherheart.”

Ilookawayandinhaledeeply.Don’tsayanything.Don’tsayanything.
“Anyway,allI’maskingisthatyoucutherabitofslack.Theselastfewyearshaven’tbeeneasyfor

her.Shehasdemonsofherowntodealwith.”

Ifwediscussthisanyfurtherit’snotgoingtoendwell.Ichewtheinsideofmycheekandlean

acrosstosnatchmyphoneupfromthebedsidetable.Thedisplay’stellingmeit’sfour-thirtyinthe
morning...lunchtimebackhome.

ThedoorclicksandwhenIlookupIseeHarriethaslefttheroom.
Good.
Iputmyphonedownandtrytoeraseherwordsfrommymind.Shehasnorighttojudgeme.She

wasn’ttheonewhogotleftbehind.

Myheadisthumping.Iraisemyhandsandmassagemytemples.Ineedtodosomethingtooccupymy

mindandreleasesomeofthisstressorI’llgocrazy.

Ilookaroundatmysurroundings.Ididn’thavetimetotakeitinproperlylastnight.AllIhadtimefor

wasaquickshowerbeforefallingintotheking-sizebed.

Thisbedroomishuge;muchbiggerthanmyroombackinLondonwhichcouldonlyaccommodatea

singlebed,asmallclosetandasetofdrawerswhichdoubledasadesk.

Tomyleftisahugeclosetcompletewithmirrorslidingdoors.Totherightisalargewindowwith

whitevenetianblinds,currentlyclosed,andinfrontofthatisafussy-lookingdressingtabledominatedby
atriplemirror.Ugh,therearewaytoomanymirrorsinhere.Oppositethebedisaglossywhitechestof
drawerswithaTVontop,andtotherightofthatisadoorleadingtotheattachedbathroomIusedlast
night.

Ihopdownfromthebed,sinkingmytoesintothedeep-pilecarpetbeforepullingthesheetsinto

placeandplumpingupthepillows.ThenIpadovertothegiantcloset.Slidingopenthedoor,Iseeit’s
beensectionedintodifferentcompartments;hangingarea,shoerack,deepshelves,shallowshelves,
shelvesuponshelves.Iraisemyeyebrows.Myclotheswillstruggletofillatenthofthisspace.

Ihaulmybatteredsuitcaseupontothebed,lineupthenumbersandpopopenthelock.
Iliftmytoweloffthetopanduncoveradelicatesilverphotoframe.I’mrelievedtoseetheglasshas

remainedintact.Itakeouttheframeandtracetheoutlineofthepersonbeneath;Dadsmilesoutatmefrom
behindtheglass.Inthephotohehasdark,wavyhair,awidegrinandaslim,athleticbuild.Completely
unrecognisablefromthemanIlivedwithforthelastfewyears.Sittingonhisshoulders,armsfirmly
wrappedaroundthetopofhisheadismeataroundsix-years-old.Thisismyfavouritephotoofus,taken
whenhewascarefreeandhappy.

Ipresstheframeintomychest,crossingonearmovertheotherandwonder,likeI’vewondereda

milliontimesbefore,ifDadknewthepersonwhokilledhim.Iknowhefoughtback.DetectiveInspector
FrankMartintoldmecutswerefoundonDad’spalmsandtheundersideofhisarmswhichprovesheput
upafight.IwonderifthehoodslippedofftheattackeratanypointandDadsawhisfaceproperly.ThenI
thinkmaybehisattackerdidn’tbotherputtingthehoodupinthefirstplacebecausetheyhadnointention
ofleavingDadalive.

Thepoliceseemtohavehitanimpassewiththemurderinvestigation.DIMartintoldmethat

becausemyfathersufferedtwenty-sevenseparateknifewoundsandIonlyhadtheone,theattackerhadno
intentionofkillingme-hewasjustfacilitatinghisescape.Becauseofthis,theybelievemyfatherwas
targetedanditwasn’tarandomattack.

DIMartinthentoldmemydadleda‘smalllife.’Ihatedhimforsayingthat.Dadmaynothavedone

muchinthelastfewyearsbutbeforehegotillheledaveryfulllife.Heworkedhard,playedhardand
wasabrilliant‘hands-on’father.

Theproblemis,becauseDadledthisso-called‘smalllife,’thepolicecan’tfindanypersonwitha

motiveforkillinghim.So,tosumup;someoneintendedtokillmyfather,butnoonehadanymotivefor
wantinghimdead.DIMartinsaidtheotherpossibilityisacaseofmistakenidentity.

LikeIsaid,they’vehitanimpasse.
Icarrytheframeovertothedressingtableinfrontofthewindowandsetitdowninprideofplace.

ThenIgobacktothesuitcase,grabhandfulsofunderwearandstuffthemintotheunitbythebed.Allthe
otherclothes,whichI’dneatlyfoldedbackinmyLondonbedroom,arecrumpled.Ishakethemoutand
slidethemontohangers,tellingmyselfI’llgetroundtoironingthemlater.

Afterunpacking,Iwanderbacktothewindowandtugontheblindcord.Thesunhasjustpopped

overthehorizonandeverythinglooksdifferentintheearlymorninglight.Rachel’sfrontgardenisbeyond
neat;amanicuredlawnwithrazorsharpedges,flowerbedswithexoticplantsandornamentalgrasses,
andalongthefrontborder,severalminiaturepalmtrees.Notaleaforabladeofgrassoutofplace.
BeyondthepalmtreesIcanseetheroad,andthenthebeachstretchingouttowardstheocean.

ThecarpetonthestairsissoftasItiptoedownthemandwalkintothelargekitchenarea.Offtothe

sideisasunroom,spanningtheentirewidthofthehousewitharattansofaandarmchairfacingtheocean.
Ipadthroughandstandthereforamoment,feelingthewarmthofthesunthroughtheglassandadmiring
thebeautyoftheocean.

Theneedtodrinksomethingrefreshingdrawsmebackintothekitchen.Ipullopenthesuper-size

fridgeandspotacartonoforangejuice.IquietlyopenandclosecupboarddoorsuntilIfindaglassand
thensplashsomeofthejuiceintoone.Idrinkitdowninonecontinuousguzzle.It’ssocoldithurtsmy
teeth,butI’mtoothirstytocare.Irefilltheglassanddrinkallthattoo.

WipingmymouthwiththebackofmyhandIlookaroundforsomethingtoeat.There’sapacketof

chocolatechipcookiesnestledamongthepacketsofpastaandrice.Ifeelguiltyopeningthem,butI’m
starvingsoImakeamentalnotetogotothegrocerystorelaterandreplacethem.

Itakethepacketofcookiesandgotoheadoutthekitchen,butanotetuckedunderthecoffeemachine

catchesmyeye.It’sfoldedinhalfwithmynamewrittenacrossthefront.Islideitout,takeitthroughto
thesunroomandsitdowntoread.

DarlingEmily,youwillneverknowhowhappyIamthatyouagreedtocomehere.Iknowthings

areawkwardbetweenusandItakefullresponsibilityforthat.Ialsoknowitwilltaketimeforyouto
learntotrustmeagain.ButIneedyoutoknowthatIneverstoppedlovingyouorthinkingaboutyou
sincethedayIleftLondon.IwishthingshadturnedoutdifferentandI’mnotproudofhowIhandled
thesituationatthetime,orintheyearsthatfollowed.BelievemewhenIsayIwilldoeverythinginmy
powertomakeyoutrustmeagain.Butfornow,mypriorityisgivingyouthetimeandspaceyouneed
toheal.Theonlygoodthingtocomeoutofallthisisthatitgivesmeasecondchancetobeamother
toyou.Ihavenointentionoffailingyoutwice.Allmylove,always,Momxx

Iplacemyelbowonthearmrestandleanmyheadonmyhand,lettingherwordssinkin.ThenI

screwthenoteintoatightballandlaunchitasfarasIcan.

Suddenly,thehousefeelstoosmallandIhavetogetout.

Chapter6

IopenmyunderweardrawerandrummagethroughthebrasandknickersuntilIfindmypaleblue

bikinicrumpledatthebottom.Iliftitout,stepintothebottomsandtrynottodwellonhowtheyhangfrom
myhips.I’mnotsurehowmuchweightI’velostoverthelastsixmonths,butIknowIcan’taffordtolose
anymore.Ipullthetophalfonback-to-front,fastentheclaspandthentwistitaround,pullingthehalter-
neckstrapovermyhead.ThenIwhiponalong-sleevecreamt-shirtoverthetopandmakesurethecuffs
pullallthewaydowntomywrists,beforefinishingoffwithapairofkhakiboardshorts.

Grabbingmybeachbag,Istuffinatowel,suncreamandthebookIboughtattheairport.ThenIgrab

myflip-flopsandsunglasses,writeaquicknotetoletHarrietandRachelknowI’vegoneoutandslip
throughthefrontdoor.

Thesoundofwavescrashingontotheshoreinstantlyliftsmyspirits.Themorningsunhasclimbed

higher,itsreflectiondancingintheoceanandbouncingoffthewetsandsothegrainslookliketinyflecks
ofgold.ItwarmsmyskinasIstepacrosstheroadandontothebeach.

IwalkuntilIcan’tseeRachel’shouseanymoreandthenIdumpmybagonthesandnexttoagroup

ofrocks,slideoffmyflip-flopsandrundowntothewater’sedge.

Apartfromafewseagullsflyinglowabovethewater,I’mallalone.Mytoessinkintothesandand

waterfoamsaroundmyankles.Iinhaledeeply,fillingmylungswithfresh,oceanairandlisteningtothe
wavescrashontotheshore,oneaftertheother.Istaythatwayforalongtime,gazingoutacrossthewater,

justlettingmythoughtsdrift.

Iglancetomyleftasafaintyappingsoundstealsmyattention.Asmall,whitescruffydogisrunning

towardsme,histailawhiteblurashestopsinfrontofme.

Ilookaroundforhisowner,butheappearstobeonhisownsoIcrouchdownandticklehisears.

“Hey,littlefella,wheredidyoucomefrom?”Iwonderifhebelongstooneofthebighousesfurtherup
theshoreline.

AsIstrokehim,helowershisheadandrestshischinonmyleg.Hisbeardiswetandcoldagainst

myskinandwhenheletsoutasigh,hisbreathtickles.

“Youreallyarecute,aren’tyou?”Isay.Helooksupatmeandhisknowingexpressiontellsmehe

agrees.Thenhisearsprickup,heturnshisheadandshootsoffbackinthedirectionhecamefrom.Ilook
upandseeamanjogginginourdirection.Iquicklystraightenandturnbacktotheocean,pretendingnotto
notice.

Whenthemandrawsnear,heslowstoawalkandstopsacoupleoffeetaway.Outthecornerofmy

eyeIseehimturntofaceoutacrossthewater,too.Heleansforward,restshishandsonhisthighsand
breathesdeeplyasherecoversfromhisrun.

Idon’tacknowledgehim.IjuststaywhereIam,takingintheview,feelingresentfulthatthisstranger

isencroachingonmysolitude.

“Beautiful,isn’tit?”hesays,straightening.
Iglanceathimandmyeyeswiden...tall,broad,dirtyblondehairandblueeyesthatdrawyouin.

Theguyfromthecafe.

“Goodtoseeyouagain,Emily.”Heraiseshiswaterbottleinasaluteandthentakesaswig.
“Oh,hi.”Iplasteronasmile.“It’s…erm…Nate,isn’tit?”Iknowdamnwellwhathisnameis.

Andbythewayhislipstwistintoacrookedsmile,heknowsIdo,too.

Heturnsbacktotheocean.“Ilovethebeachthistimeofday.”
Iwatchhimunobservedforamoment.He’swearinggreyjerseyshorts,runningshoesandthere’sa

vestslungaroundhisneck.Myeyeswanderacrosshistannedtorso,whichisrippedandglisteningwith
sweat.

Iclearmythroatandtearmyfocusbacktotheocean.“Yeah,metoo.It’speaceful.”
Assoonasthewordsareoutofmymouth,thelittledogtearsupthebeachyappingattheseagulls

struttingalongtheshoreline.ThebirdsflaptheirwingsandlaunchintotheskymakingNatechuckle.
“Yeah,realpeaceful.”

Ilookatthedogandsmile.“Isheyours?”
“Oscar?”Heshakeshishead.“No.HebelongstoanoldguyIknow.OccasionallywhenIcomeout

forarun,herocksupbesideme.”

Hecrouchesdownandwhistles,andOscarimmediatelystopsyapping,pricksuphisearsandruns

towardshim,launchinghimselfathischest.Natecatcheshimandruffleshishair.“We’rebuddies,aren’t
we?”hesays,tryingtoavoidOscar’slongtongueasitflickseverclosertohisface.ThenheplopsOscar
backonthesandandstandsup.“Whataboutyou?”Helooksbehindus.“Areyououthereonyourown?”

Inod.
Helooksdownatmyfeet.“I’mguessingyoudidn’tcomeforanearlymorningrun....”
“No…I’mstillonUKtimesoIwasawakeearly.Ijustfanciedgettingsomefreshair.”
Hetakesanotherswigfromhisbottle.“So,haveyougivenitanymorethought?”
Iblink.“Huh?”
Hewipeshisbrowwiththebottle,hislipseasingintoagrin.“I’mtalkingaboutmyjoboffer?Are

youinterestedinworkingatO’Shea’sPlace?”

Oh.
AndNo.

Itakeadeepbreathreadytodecline,butthenIhaveaflashofrealisation;OfcourseI’minterested.

WhatwasIthinkingbefore?Ineedthatjob.ThethoughtofbeingcoopedupinthehousewhileRachel
goesoutofherwaytoshowmewhatagoodmomshe’sbecomefillsmewithdread.Ineedareasontobe
outofthehouseasoftenaspossible.Andearningmoneyatthesametimewon’tbeabadthing.

Iraisemychinandtakeadeepbreath.“WillIneedaninterview?”
“Idon’tknow.”Helooksmeupanddown.“Canyouwalkandcarryatrayatthesametime?”
Ifrown.“Doyoureallyneedmetoanswerthat?”
“Iguessnot.Canyouaddup?”
“Ofcourse….”
“Now,here’sthepotentialdeal-breaker.Whenpeopleapproachyouinthecafe,doyouthinkyou

couldtrybeingnicetothem?”

Ilookawayfromhim.MaybeIdon’twantthisjobafterall.
“Becauseit’sO’Shea’spolicythatstaffarefriendly.Always.”
Iturnback.“Youcaughtmeatabadtimeyesterday.Idon’tnormally....”
Heraiseshispalms,grinning.“I’mkidding,I’mkidding.Whencanyoustart?Thisweek?Next

week?”

“Oh…well…howquicklydoyouneedsomeone?”
Hiseyeslightup.“Doesthismeanyouaccept?”
Itiltmyhead.“DoesthismeanI’mhired?”
“Yes,yesitdoes.”Hewipeshishandacrossthesideofhisshortsbeforereachingouttowardsme.I

liftmyhandtomeethisinashake,tryingnottonoticehowhislipscurveintoasexysmile,completewith
thosedimples.“Welcomeaboard,Emily.”

Iclearmythroat.“Thankyou.”
Pleasedon’tletthisbeamistake.
“Whydon’tyoucomeintothecafeMondaymorningaroundseven?It’llgiveyoutimetogetover

yourjet-lagandit’sourquietestdaysoit’llbeagoodtimetofindyourwayaround.”

Itakeadeepbreath.“Mondayatseven.Okay.I’llbethere.”
He’sstillgrinning.“Youjustmademyday.”Hegivesmeapartingnodandturns,runningbackinthe

directionhecamewithOscaryappingbyhisside.

Iwatchuntilhe’soutofsight.

Therestofthemorningisspentlyingonmytowel,lettingthewarmbreezeheatmyskinwhileIread

thesameparagraphinmybookoverandover.

Bymid-dayit’stoohotandwithnorealoptions,Idecidetopackupandheadbacktothehouse.I

standupandattempttobrushoffthefinelayerofsandthat’sstucktomysuncream,thenIslidemyfeet
intomyhotflip-flops,shakeoutmytowelandstuffitintomybagwiththebook.

Rachelanswersthedooronmysecondknock.She’swearinganexpensive-lookingpalebluedress,

herhairispulledintoabunandherfaceisallshinywithsweat.

“Em,honey.Comein,comein.”Shesoundsbreathless.“Youshouldn’thavetoknock.I’llgiveyou

thecodefornexttime.”

“Thanks,”Isay,walkingoverthethresholdandwonderingwhatI’veinterrupted.
“Haveyouhadalovelymorning?”Sheslidesherfingersintoherhair,draggingbacksomeofthe

strandsthatworkedtheirwayfree.

I’mabouttosayyes,butshekeepstalking.
“I’vehadagreatmorning.I’vegotsomuchdone.”Shepicksuparag,getsdownonherkneesand

startsscrubbingtheoakfloor.

Surelyshe’sabitoverdressedforhousework?

Shescrubssohard,Icanseewhyshe’ssweating.
“I’vedoneupstairs.AndI’llsoonbefinisheddownhere,andthenIcanmakeyoulunch,anything

youwant,andthenwecangosomewherethisafternoon.”Herwordsarerapidfire,oneaftertheother
withoutabreath.“AndI’vebeenthinkingIshouldtakeyououtfordinnerthisevening.AndHarrietwill
cometoo,obviously.Somewhereclassy.Whatdoyouthink?Doesthatsoundgoodtoyou?”

“I...uh...Idon’tknow.”
Thewayshe’slookingupatme,withherbrowsraisedandhereyeshopeful,Ifeelunderpressureto

saytherightthing.

Isigh.“Dinnerwouldbenice.Butcanwedoitnextweeksometime?WhenI’mnotfeelingsojet-

lagged?”

Shefrowns.“ButIwasreallyhopingtogotonight….”
Isaynothingandwejustlookateachother.Astand-offofsorts.
Eventuallyhershoulderssagindefeat.“WellIguessnextweekwillhavetodo.”Shescrubsharder,

asifshe’stryingtorubthegrainoutofthewood.“Ifwe’renotgoingtodayatleastI’llbeabletogetmore
donearoundhere.”

Iwatchherforamomentandthenclearmythroat.“I’vegotajob.”
Herhandsstillandshestaresupatme.
“Inacafeuptheroad.Youmightknowit.O’Shea’sPlace....”
Shewrinkleshernose.“Well…whatdidyougoandgetajobfor?Youdon’tneedtowork,Emily”.
Ipressacoolpalmtomyhotface.“Ido.IfI’mnotbusy,thenIcan’tstopmymindwanderingbackto

thatday.I’lldrivemyselfmad….”

Afterapauseshegivesmethebriefestofnodsandgetsbacktoannihilatingthewood.“Dinnernext

weekwithbothmygirls,”shemurmurs.“Justperfect….”

Icontinuetowatchherforamoment,tryingtoworkherout.She’sactingasifusthreebeingtogether

issomethingshe’swantedalongtime,whenshe’stheonewhohasbeentheobstacletousallbeing
togetherforthelastfiveyears.

“Ineedtogotakeashower,”Isay,headingawayfromher.“Getthissandoff.”Itakethestairstwo

atatime.

Chapter7

It’sFridaymorningandI’mawakeearlyagain.Myfirstthoughts,asalways,areofDad.Mymind

flashesupakaleidoscopeofimagesfromwhenIwasyounger;Dadreadingbedtimestoriestomeand
Harriet,givingeachcharacterasillyvoiceandthrowinghisarmsaroundasheactshiswaythroughthe
pages-everynightwe’dbeghimtoreadjustonemorechapterandhenevercouldsayno.Thenthere’s
usstylinghishairwithpinksparklyclipsandfloweryheadbands.HedrewthelinewhenHarrietbegged
himtoletusputmake-uponhim.Andthere’sthethreeofusplayingoutinthesnow.Dadwouldbundleus
upinthickcoatsandwoollyhatsandhelpusbuildthemostelaboratesnowmenintheneighbourhood.
Whenwecouldn’tfeelourfingersanymoreandthecoldhadcreptinsideourwellies,Dadwouldusherus
backinsideandmakethebest-tastinghotchocolateever,withsquirtycreamandmarshmallows....

Andthen,predictably,I’mrelivinghislastdayonearth.
I’mtransportedbacktoourhouseinOakleyHill,London,tothedoorwaybetweenthehallandthe

livingroom.MynostrilsfillwiththesmellofDad’sleatherbootslyingredundantinthehallwayandthe
citrusyaromacomingfromtheplug-inair-freshener.Myheartbangsagainstmyribsasthedoorswings
openandthesmellisreplacedbysomethingmetallic.AndthenI’mfacedwiththathorrificscene;Dad
lyingonthesofa,eyesopenandvacant,facesopale.

Andallthatblood.
Theimageissharpandvile,andimmortalisedinmymemoryforever.
MyheadswimsandIcan’tbreathe.Isitupsharply,openmyeyesandforcetheimageaway.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
It’stoohotinhere.Ican’tbreathebecauseit’ssohot.Ithrowthetopsheetoff,jumpoutofbedand

runovertothewindow.Tuggingontheblindcord,Isquintagainstthebrightmorninglightandslidethe
ventopen.Coolerairfiltersthroughandthesoundoftheoceanfloatsintotheroom.

Isuckindeep,slowbreaths,oneaftertheotheruntilmyheartrategoesbacktonormal.
Intheshower,Iplacemyforeheadandpalmsagainstthecoolwhitetilesandletthetearsrollfreely.

Sixmonthsofcrying,youthinkI’dbedone.ThenImentallyshakemyself,standupstraightandletthejets
ofwaterwashthesaltytearsaway.Ican’tdropmyguardfortoolongormyfeelingswillengulfme.

Igrabatowelofftherack,roughlydrymyself,anddecideIneedtogetout,maybegoforawalkon

thebeachbeforeitgetstoohotandthenfindashadyspotwhereIcantrytogetlostinmybookagain.

Isprayondeodorantandpullonmyunderwearbeforeslippingintoapairofdenimshortsanda

long-sleevedredtop.

I’mpeeringintothedressing-tablemirror,combingwaterproofmascarathroughmylashes–theone

make-upitemIbroughtwithme,whenthere’saknockonmybedroomdoor.

Iholdthebottlealoftandtakeadeepbreath.“Comein.”
ThroughthemirrorIseethedoorhandlepulldownandHarrietentersmybedroom.She’swearinga

whitevestandpinkstripypyjamashorts.Herhairispulledintoalooseknotandatoothbrushis
protrudingfromhermouth.Shegrabsholdofitandpullsitout,leavingatraceoffoamonherlip.

“Morning,Em.”
Ismilethroughthemirror.“Hi.”
Shestepsintothebedroomandthenleansagainstthewall,bendingalegandplacingherfootagainst

thepaintwork.Shewaveshertoothbrushinmydirection.“Youlooklikeyou’regettingreadyfor
something?”

Ilookbackinthemirrorandcontinuecombingthewandthroughmylashes.“Uh...yeah.IthoughtI’d

poptothebeachandreadmybook.”

“Soundslovely.I’djoinyouifIdidn’thavetogotocollege.Whydon’tyouaskMomtogowith

you?”

Myhandfreezes.
“Ireallythinkyoushould,”shecarrieson.“She’stakenacoupleofdaysoffworkandshe’stold

Dominictogiveherabitofspacesoshecandevotesometimetoyou.She’lllovehangingoutatthe
beach,catchingupandstuff.”

ThatsoundslikethelastthingIwanttodo.Itwistroundtofaceher.“Idon’tthinkso….”
Harriettiltsherheadandfrowns.“Whynot?”
HowcanIputthis?“It’sjust...I’mreallytiredandIfeellikebeingonmyownforabit.”
Shedrawsinadeepbreathandshakesherhead.Myeyesstayonherasshepushesherselfoffthe

wallandwalksthroughtotheattachedbathroom.Sherunsthetap,anglesherheadunderneathtorinseher
mouthoutandthenslipsthehandtowelofftheholderandwipesitoverhermouth.Thenshechucksthe
towelontheside,andstillclutchinghertoothbrush,walksbackintothebedroom.“Em,”shesays,taking
onthetoneofateacheraddressinganaughtyschoolchild.“You’renotbeingfairtoher.”

Iresisttheurgetorollmyeyes.
“Imeanit.Youhavegottostartbuildingbridgeswithher.She’sdesperatetobethereforyou.All

youhavetodoislether.”

Isitupstraighterandmatchhertone.“Andyouneedtounderstandthatisnotsomethingthatwill

happenovernight.”

Shesighs.“Irealisethat.Butitdoesn’tlooklikeyou’reeventrying.Youseemtobegoingoutof

yourwaytodistanceyourselffromher.Andfrommetoo.”Shereachesout,touchesmyarmandlowers
hervoice.“Iknowyoudon’tmeanit,Em,butithurts.”

Likeithurtwhenyouabandonedme?
“Familyisimportant,”shecarrieson.“Andwe’veonlygoteachothernow.You,meandMom.

We’reateam.Pleasedon’tpushusaway.”

Whatthehellgiveshertherighttolecturemeonthatsubject?
Isuckitup.I’mtootiredandemotionaltohavethisoutwithherrightnow.IbitemylipbutIknowI

won’tbeabletokeepmymouthshutforever.

“What?”shesays.“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”
Itrytoeasethetensionfrommyfaceandswervetheconversationinadifferentdirection.“What

aboutyourdad,Harriet?Imeanyourrealdad….”

Hereyesnarrow.
Iignorethelookandcarryon.“Becauseyousaidyou’veonlygotmeandher.Butyoustillhaveyour

owndadouttheresomewhere,don’tyou?”

Aflashoftensioncrossesherfeatures.“I’vegotnoideawhereheisandI’mnotinterestedtobe

honest.”

Thewayshejustsaidthat,allshortandsnippy-Idon’tbelieveher.That’showIsoundwhenItalk

aboutRachel.IfHarrietreallydidn’tcare,shewouldn’tsoundsoaffected.

“Look.”Itakeadeepbreathandpinchthebridgeofmynose.“We’reallmeanttobegoingoutfor

dinner,aren’twe?Onenightnextweek….Let’spindownthedayandlookforwardtothat.Ishouldbe
overmyjet-lagbythenandnotsogrumpy.IpromiseI’llmakeaneffort.”

HereyesarestillnarrowedandIthinkshe’sabouttogoinforroundtwo,butinsteadhershoulders

sag.“Fine,”shesays,droppingdownintoacross-leggedpositiononmybed.“HowaboutThursday?Is
thatanygood?”

Inod,breathinginasmallsighofrelief.“Thursday’sfinewithme.”
“Okay,I’llletMomknowandmakeareservationsomewhere.”Shesitsstudyingmeforamoment

withherheadrestingonherhand.“So,Momtellsmeyou’regoingtostartworkingatthatO’Shea’sPlace,
furtherupthebeach.”

Inod.“That’sright.”
“Youtookthehotguyuponhisjoboffer,huh?”
Ismile.“Iwasn’tgoingto,butthenIbumpedintohimonthebeach.WhenIthoughtaboutit,I

realiseditmadesense.”

Shestandsupandstretches.“Youjustwatchyourguardaroundhim,okay?Guyswholookthatgood

areusuallytrouble.”Shesearchesmyfaceandheatcreepsintomycheeks.“Promiseme,Emily.”

Isigh.“I’vegotnointentionofhookingupwiththeboss.”
“Good.”Shetwiddlesthetoothbrushbetweenherfingers.“Otherwiseworkingforhim...wellit

wouldjustbetoocomplicated,wouldn’tit?”

Ibangthemascarabottleontothedressingtableandstandup.“Idon’tevenknowwhywe’rehaving

thisconversation.Itoldyoutheothernight,he’snotmytype.”

Chapter8

ImetDominiclastnight,hestoppedbythehousetotakeRacheloutfordinner.Whilehewasinthe

kitchenshecameintomybedroomandaskedmetogodownstairssoshecouldintroduceus.I’djusthada
showerandwasstoodinmytowelwithwethairdrippingdownmyback,butshebeggedmetoquickly
pullonsomeclothessoIcouldmeethim.Grudgingly,IdidthedutifuldaughterbitandRachelseemed
delighted.

Dominicwasn’twhatIexpected.AstheCEOofalargecompany,Ithoughthe’dbedynamicand

authoritative.Insteadhewasquietandunassuming.Hewasaverageheightandslimwiththinninghair,his
suitwaswellcutandonhehadanexpensive-lookingRolexonhiswrist.It’seasytoseehe’sbesotted
withRachel.Thewholetimehehardlytookhiseyesoffher.

Theydidn’thangaroundforlongaftertheintroductionswereover.Dominickeptlookingathis

watchandtellingRachelhedidn’twanttobelatefortheirdinnerreservation.Rachelhuggedmegoodbye
inacloudofperfumeandtoldmetheywouldbestayinginahotelsonottowaitup.AsifIwould.

I’mup,showeredanddressedbeforeHarrietrises.Gazingoutofthekitchenwindowatanother

brightmorning,IturnonRachel’scoffeemachineandtipcoffeegroundsintothefilter.AsIpourthewater
in,Icatchthehandleofmybag,knockingitoverandspillingthecontentsontotheworksurface.

Damn.
Amongthemoney,creditcards,chewinggumandtissuesisalittlesilverobjectandIcan’tthink

whatitcanbe.Ipickitup,turnitoverinmyhandandcatchmybreath.It’sthelittlebutterflybroochDad
boughtmelastChristmas….

Isqueezemyhandaroundthecoldmetalandclosemyeyes.IthoughtI’dlostit.AfterDaddiedthat

littlebroochtookonawholenewlevelofsignificance.Iturnedthehouseupsidedownlikeamadwoman
lookingforit.

Iopenmyeyes,quicklyfastenthebroochtomytopandsmile.It’slikehavingalittlepieceofDad

backwithme.

O’Shea’sPlaceisatwenty-minutewalkalongthecoastfromthehouseandIsetoffearlierthanI

needto.

Acoupleofdog-walkersmeanderalongthebeach,andoutintheoceanasurferbobsaroundonhis

board,waitingforadecentwave.

WhenIarriveatthecaféthereareonlytwocarsparkedoutthefront;ablueHondaCivicandanold

Mustangconvertible,brightredandpolishedtowithinaninchofitslife.TheclosedsignisupandwhenI
trythedoor,itslocked.Iglanceatmywatch.Twentytoseven.

Ipressmynoseagainsttheglassandpeertowardsthebackofthecafé.Thelightsareonabovethe

counterandagirlwithlongredhairinahighpony-tailsingstoherselfasshewipesdownthesurface.I
rapontheglassandherheadflicksup.Alookofsurpriseflashesacrossherfeaturesbeforebeing
replacedwithasmile.

Shespringsoutfrombehindthecounterandhurriesover,beamingatmethroughtheglassasshe

unlocksthedoor.She’spretty,inacutesortofway,withwidegreeneyesandasmatteringoffreckles
acrosshernose.She’swearingashort-sleevedblackshirt,blacktrousersandablackapronbearingthe
‘O’Shea’sPlace,’logo.Theoutfitlookssmartandslightlyoutofplaceagainsttheriotofcolourthatis
O’Shea’sPlace.

Shethrowsthedooropenandsticksoutherhand,shakingmineenthusiastically.“Heythere.You

mustbeEmily.”

“Hi.Yes,EmilyEverett.”
“I’mLois,”Shekeepsholdofmyhandandgentlypullsmeacrossthethreshold.“Comein,comein.

I’llshowyoueverythingyouneedtoknow.”

Ifollowheracrossthetiledfloor,pasttablesandchairswithbrightly-colouredcushionstotheother

sideoftheroom,wherealargechalkboardmenudominatesthewall.Sheflipsupasmallsectionofthe
counterandwewalkthroughtotheservingarea.

“Rightthen,firstthingsfirst….”Shebendsdownandpullsoutanapronidenticaltotheoneshe’s

wearing,completewiththelogo.“Here,putthison.”

Ipulltheapronovermyhead,fastenthestrapsaroundmywaistandthentiemyhairbackwiththe

bandIhadonmywrist.“Okay,IthinkI’mready,”Isay,andblowoutadeepbreath.

Lois’eyesflickovermyfaceandshefrowns.“Hey,you’renotnervous,areyou?”
Ibitemylip.“Alittle.”
“Relax.You’llbefine.OnlytwothingsareimportantatO’Shea’sPlace.Getthemrightandtherest

willfallintoplace.”

Iarchmyeyebrows,waitingforhertoenlightenme.
“Rulenumberone....”Shepullsafunnyfaceandputsonherbestinfomercialvoice.“Makesureyour

customerhasagreatO’Shea’sexperience.Iftheyhaveagoodtime,they’llcomebackandbringtheir
friends,too.”

Ismile.“Okay....”
“Andrulenumbertwo,observefoodsafetyrulesatalltimes.”Shedropsherhanddown.“That’sit.

Couldn’tbeeasier.”ShewinksandIfeelthetensionleavemyshoulders.IthinkI’mgoingtoenjoy
workingwithLois.

“So,whataremydutiesthen?”
Sheslapsahandonthecounter.“You’llbeservingcustomershere,foodandbeverages,bothtake-

outandtakingorderstotables.”

Inod.“Okay.”
“Andyoucanprepsomeofthecoldfood;sandwichesandsaladsandstuff.Oh,andyou’llneedto

learnhowtousethebeast.”

Myeyebrowspulldown.“Thewhat?”
“Thebeast.”Shepointstoalargeblackandchromecoffeemachinedominatingtheunitbythewall.

“Natesplashedoutasmallfortuneonthatpieceofkit.It’shisprideandjoy.”

“Oh,right…thebeast.”Inoticejarssittingnexttoitwithhandwrittenlabelsonannouncingflavours

suchascinnamon,Georgiapecanandhazelnutroast.IturnbacktoLois.“Uh…willNatebeintoday?”

“Yes,heshouldbehererightnow.Heliveshere.”Shelooksoutbeyondtheglassdoorandpoints

towardstheredMustang.“That’shiscar.He’llbeupstairsintheapartmentortheoffice.Why?Doyou
needtoseehim?”

“No,no.”Ishakemyhead.“I’mjustnotsurewhathoursI’msupposedtobeworking.Itdoesn’t

matter.Ihaven’tgottobeanywhere.I’llstayaslongasI’mneeded.”

Sheglancesattheclockbehindthecounter.“Wecloseatfivetoday,soyoushouldbefreeabout

five-thirty?Isthatokay?”

Inod.“That’sfine.”
“Westayopenlateonenightaweek,onWednesdays,butthatcouldchangeanytime.Nate’sgotbig

plansforthisplace.”

“That’sfinewithme,”Isay.“IliketokeepbusyandIdon’treallyhavemuchofasociallife

anyway.”

“That’sbecauseyou’renewintown.Don’tworry,we’llsoonfixthat.”
Ilaugh.“I’mnotcomplaining.I’mnotabigpartyanimaltobehonest.”
LoislooksatmeasifI’vejustrevealedI’mpartalien.“Youdon’tliketoparty?Seriously?”
Ishrug.
“Comeon,Emily.Youmightnotbeapartyanimal,butagirl’sgottohavesomefun,right?”
Igiveintoareluctantsmile.“Iguess.”

Loisspendsthenexthalfhourshowingmehoweverythingrunsandwhereallthenapkins,plates,

cupsandanythingelseI’llneedarekept.Thenweheadtothestoreroomadjacenttothekitchenarea.
Insidearemetalracksstackedhighwith,amongotherthings,boxesoftake-awaycups,cratesofsoft
drinksandbottlesofketchup.Inoticetwosurfboardsproppedupnexttothereardoor;oneplainandone
withbrightlycolouredchevrons.

“They’reNate’s,”Loissays,whensheseesmelookingatthem.“He’sprettygoodtoo.”
Wewalkbackthroughtotheservingareaandshepointstoasetofstairsleadingofftotheright.

“Nate’sapartmentisupthere.”ShecarriesonwalkingsoIfallinstepwithherbacktotheservingarea.
“Hisofficeisuptheretoo.Halfthetimehe’llbeuptheredoingthebooksandplanningnewmenusand
stuff,andtherestofthetimehehelpsusoutdownhere.”

ThesoundofadoorclosingupstairsandthenfootstepsmakesLoisandIlookbacktowardsthe

stairs.Natecomesintoview,deepinconversationwithanotherguy.Nate’swearingsweatpantsanda
long-sleevedwhitetop,hishair’sallmessedupandhelookslikehe’shadnexttonosleep.And
somehowthatmakeshimlookevensexierthanbefore.

Ismoothmyhandsdownmyapronasthetwomenmaketheirwaytothebottom.Inoticetheguy

Nateistalkingtohasalimp.

Loisraiseshervoice.“Hey,guys,howareyoudoing?”
“Good,”Natesays,hisgazetravellingfromLoistome.Alazysmilespreadsonhisfaceashedrags

ahandthroughhishair,makingsomeoftheendsfallbackintoplace.“Emily,hi.Howareyougetting
on?”

“Uh...yeah,good.Loisisjustshowingmearound.”
“Great.”Hiseyesholdmineafractiontoolong.Thenheturnstotheguybyhisside.“Riley,thisis

Emily,thenewmemberofstaffIwastellingyouabout.”Heturnsbacktome.“Emily,meetoneofmy
brothers;Riley.”

RileyisabitshorterthanNate,aroundsixfootI’dguess,andhe’sabitstockier,buthehasthesame

stunningblueeyes,darklashesanddarkeyebrows.Hestepsforwardandhiseyestwinkle.“HiEmily,it’s
goodtomeetyou.Welcometotheteam.”

Ismile.“Thankyou.”
“Anythingyouneed,don’thesitatetoask.”Hepointstoaspotovermyshoulder.“You’llfindme

chainedtothekitchensinkoverthere.”

Ilaugh.
“Notevenjoking.”Heleanscloser,putsahandtohismouthandusesaloudstage-whisper.“Inow

seewhyNate’sbeentalkingaboutyousomuch.”

Natecoughs.
“Uh...allgoodIhope?”Isay,tryingtomakelightofthesituation.
RileyglancesatNateandthenlooksbackatme,winking.“Definitelygood….”
Ifeelheatrisefrommychest.Itcreepsupmyneckandintomyface.
“Riley,stopit,”Loissays,pullingaface.“You’remakingEmilyblush.”
“Uh,yeah,thanksforthat,Riley,”Natesays.
IshootaglanceinNate’sdirection.He’sshakinghisheadatRiley,butthere’sasmileonhisface.

“Haven’tyougotworktodointhekitchen?”

RileysalutesNateandwithacheekygrin,retreatstowardsthekitchenareaattheback.“Make

yourselfuseful,bro,”heshoutsoverhisshoulder.“Fixmeoneofyourlegendarylattes....”

“OnedayI’mgoingtofirehisassforinsubordination,”Natesays,shakinghishead.
“Icanstillhearyou,”Rileycallsout.
“Good.Youweremeantto.”
“Uh…shallIhaveagoatmakingthatlatte?”Isay,desperatetomoveonandleavethe

awkwardnessofRiley’scommentsbehind.“Lois,maybeyoucouldshowmehowtousethebeast?”

“Allowme.”Natepusheshissleevesback,revealingthosetanned,musculararms.
“Oh,aren’tyoubusy?Idon’twanttoholdyouuporanything.”IsoundwaymorecasualthanIfeel.
Hissmileblendswithafurrowedbrow.“There’snothingthatcan’twait.”
“It’llbebetterifNateshowsyou,”Loischipsin.“He’sthebestbaristaformiles.”
Istraightenmyapronandtakeadeepbreath.“Okay,great.”
“Well,I’dbettergoandfinishsettingup,”Loissays.“Otherwisethecustomerswillbeinbefore

we’reready.”Shepushesherselfoffthecounterandwandersthroughtothekitchenarea,launching
straightintoaconversationwithRiley.

Nateisstandinginfrontofthecoffeemachine,watchingme.“Comeoverherethen.Idon’tbite.”
Ismilenervouslyandwalkovertojoinhim.God,Ineedshrugofffeelinglikeashyschoolgirl

whenhe’saroundorthisjobisgoingtobepainful.

Hestartspressingbuttonsandthenhishandsstillasheturnstome.“IhopewhatRileysaidjustthen

didn’tmakeyoufeeluncomfortable.”

Ishakemyhead.“No,no.Ofcoursenot.”
Hiseyessearchmyface.“BecauseI’dhateforyoutofeelawkward….”
Uh,yeah,awkwardwouldbeanunderstatement.
“It’sokay.Iknowhewasjustmessingaround.”
Nate’seyebrowslift.Suchatinymovement,Ibarelycatchit.Helookslikehe’sabouttosay

somethingelseonthesubject,butthenhestandsupstraightandsandpapershishandstogether.“Okay,
let’sdothis.Seethatblackhandle?Twistittotheleftanditshouldpopout.”

Igrabholdofthehandleandturnit,tryingtoignoreasmalltremorinmyhand.Itslidesouteasily.
Hehandsmeatowelofftheside.“Here,givethefilteraquickcleanandthenyoucanpourthe

coffeein.”

AsIwipethefilterheslidesajarinfrontofmewith‘espressoroast’scrawledonthelabel.Ipop

offthetop,tipthegroundsintothefilterandtheintensearomaofcoffeefillstheair.

“I’llgetthetamperforyou,”hesays,reachinguptoashelf.Ashedoes,histopridesuprevealing

therock-hardstomachmusclesIcaughtaglimpseoflastweek.

Ishiftmyeyestohishandashepassesmesomethingwhichresemblesametal,circulardatestamp.

“Here,youneedtopackthecoffeegroundsdownusingthis.”

Itakeitoffhim,turnitaroundtoinspectitandthencrunchitintothecoffeegrounds.Ineed

somethingtodistractme;calmmynervesabit.Idecidetoturntheattentiononhim.“So,yousaidRileyis
oneofyourbrothers.Howmanymorearethere?”

“I’vegottwoothers;FinnandLiam.”Hepointstothetamper.“Pressitingently,butfirmly.Ifyou

doitsoftthewaterrunsthroughtooquick,andifyoudoittoohard,itwon’tgetthroughatall.”

IpackdownthecoffeeacoupleoftimesandhopeI’vedoneitright.ThenIlookbackatNateformy

nextinstruction.

“Okay,giveitaquickturnandyou’redone.”
Itwistthetamperroundandthenliftitoutandhanditbacktohim.“Doyourotherbrothers,work

hereaswell?”

Heshakeshishead.“FinnrunsboattoursdowninDanaPoint,andLiamlivesinSeattlewithhis

wifeandkids.Heworksinassetmanagement.Doesprettywellforhimself.”

“Andwhataboutyourparents?”
“MommovedtoSeattletobenearthegrandchildrenandIhaven’tseenmydadforyears.”Icatcha

distantlookinhiseyesbutwhenheturnsbackit’sgoneandasmileisinitsplace.“Youaskalotof
questions,don’tyou?”

OnlywhenI’mnervous.

Hehandsmethetowelandlaunchesintoanothersetofinstructions.Igivethefilteraquickwipe

aroundtheedgeandpopitbackintothehead.ThenItwistthehotwaterknobandwatchasarichbrown
honey-likesubstancedrizzlesfromthespoutintothewaitingcupbelow.Itsendsawonderfulsteamy
aromacurlingintotheairaroundus.

“Perfect.”Natepushesthesteambuttonsoitmakesawhooshingsound.“Nowraisethisuptoit.”He

handsmeapitcherofmilk.“Youwantthewandsittingataforty-five-degreeangletothesurface.”

Iraisethepitcher,tippingituptothewand,andasIdomysleeveslidesupmyarm.Myheartskips

abeatasthescar,redandraised,screamsoutagainstmypaleskin.Iyankthematerialbackintoplace,
splashingmilkupthesidesofthepitcher.ThenImovethepitchertomyotherhandandstealaglanceat
Natetoseeifhenoticed.Ifhedid,hedoesn’tsayanything.Insteadhemovescloser,standingbehindme
andadjuststheangleofmyhand.Histouchsendstinytinglesofelectricityalongmyskin.“Youwantthe
endofthewandjustoff-centre,”hesays,oblivioustotheeffecthe’shaving.

“Okay.”Ipursemylipsandblowoutadeepbreath.
“Nowgoforit;turnonthesteam.”
Ipressthebuttonandmilkbeginstocirculatearoundthepitcher.NateletsgoofmyhandandI

immediatelymissthecontact.

“That’sit.Releasethebuttonandgivethepitcheraquicktapsothemilksettles.”
Iknockthepitcheracoupleoftimesandlookupathim.
“Goahead.”Hehandsmealatteglass.“Pouryourfirstcoffeefromthebeast.”
Ipourtheespressointotheglassandthentipthefrothymilkoverthetopbeforeholdingitupfor

Natetoinspect.

“Notbad.”Hetiltshisfacetoonesideandsmiles.“Notbadatall.”
Rileywalksouttojoinus.Herelievesmeofthelatte,blowsacrossthesteam,takesasipandraises

hiseyebrows.“Emily,Ithinkyou’venailedit.”

Ismile.
Rileynudgesmewithhiselbow.“Won’tbelongandwe’llbeenteringyouintothebarista

championships.”

Ilaugh.“Thebaristachampionships.Istheresuchathing?”
Hepointstoaframeabovethebeast.“Damnright.Infact,you’vejustbeentrainedbytheSouthern

Californiachampionhimself.”

Ilookatthecertificatesittingintheframe;ivorypaperwithgoldletteringstates‘Winner:Nate

O’Shea.12

th

SoCalBaristaChampionships.

Iraisemyeyebrowsandnod.“I’mimpressed.”
Natewinks.“Iwashopingyouwouldbe.”
AndIgorightbacktofeelinglikeashyschoolgirlagain.

Afterthecoffee-makinglesson,Natedisappearsupstairs,tellingushe’llbeintheofficedealingwith

anoverflowingin-trayfortherestofthemorning.I’mleftwithLois,Rileyandasteadystreamof
customerswhopopinandout.LoisandRileyaremorethangenerouswiththeirtime,briefingmeon
everythingfromwherethesparetoiletrollsarekept,tothebestwayofdealingwithrudecustomers.

Justbeforelunch,I’mtrustedtomanthehelmbymyself.Loishastakenherbreakbeforethebusy

periodandRileyhasstruggledupthestairstotalktoNate.Afewcustomersareoutsideonthepatio,with
justacouplesatatthetablesinside.

ThebellonthedoortinklesandIglanceup,lazily.Awomanwithaswingyblondebobandsharp

featureshasjustenteredandismakingherwaytowardsthecounter.Fromherdesignerclothestoher
oversizedhandbag,sheoozesmoney.Shestopsandgivesmeasidewayslook.Ismile,abouttoaskwhatI
cangetherwhensheflipsupthecounterandwalksthrough.

“Oh,”Isay,steppingbacktogiveherroom.Maybeshe’sthewaitressI’vejustreplaced.Whatwas

hernameagain?Ahyes….

“AreyouOlivia?”
Shelooksdownhernoseatme.
“You’renot?Oh,sorry,Iassumed….”IrememberNatetellingmeOliviaisheavilypregnantsoI’ve

justinsultedwhoeverthisis.Ishakemyhead,feelingflustered.“Sorry.”Iholdmyhandout.“Shallwe
startagain?I’mEmily,I’mnewhere.”

Shelooksatmyhandandignoresit.Insteadsheplucksthesunglassesfromthetopofherhead,

carefullyfoldsthearmsandslidesthemintoherbag.

Nowthat’sjustrude.
Ipullmyhandbackandfoldmyarmsacrossmychest,irritationpricklingme.“Andyouare?”
Shelockseyeswithmeandsnapsherbagshut.“I’mSasha.”
“So,Sasha,doyouworkhere?”
ShelooksatmelikeI’vejustaskedthemostridiculousquestionever,shakesherheadandpeers

towardsthestairs.“IsNateupthere?”

“Uh...yeah.”
“Great.”Herlipspeelbackintoafakesmile.“Beanangelandbringacappuccinoupforme.”
Nopleaseorthankyou?
“BettermakeoneforNatetoo,”shecallsoverhershoulder.Herheelsmakeanannoyingclicking

soundassheclimbsthestairs.

“Yeah,I’dloveto,”Imutterundermybreath.
“Whatdidyousay?”Loishasappearedbymyside.
Igiveasmallshakeofmyhead.“Oh,nothing...justtalkingtomyself.”
“Ohdear….”Shegrins.“Firstsignofmadness.”

Ipopintothegrocerystoreonthewayhomefromworkandpickupsomebread,eggsandavocado

tomakealightsupper,andamangobecausetheylookedsojuicyandripe.IgetenoughforHarrietand
Rachelincasetheywanttoeatwithme.

BythetimeIgethome,I’mshatteredandmyfeetarethrobbinglikecrazy.I’mnotcomplaining

though.Mostofthetimethecaféwassobusy,Ididn’thavetimetothinkaboutanythingotherthangetting
foodonplatesandkeepingthecaféclean,andthat’sjustfinewithme.Thebestbitwasmixingwithall
thedifferentpeople.AfterDaddied,Idroppedoutofcollegeandbecameabitofarecluse.Todaymade
merealiseI’vebeencutofffromotherpeoplefortoolong.

IfindRachelsittinginthesunroom,staringintospace.Mellowmusicisplayinginthebackground

andshe’sdrinkingfromaglasstumbler.Whensheseesme,sheimmediatelyputstheglassdownand
slidesitawayfromher.“Hihoney,”shesays,runningherthumbacrossherbottomlip.“Howdidyour
firstdayatworkgo?”

“Itwasgood,thanks.”
Shewrinkleshernose.“Musthavebeenabitboringthough.Makingcoffeeandwipingdowntables

allday….”

Ishakemyhead.“There’smuchmoretoitthanthat.Anyway,itwasfun.Ienjoyedallofit,even

wipingdownthetables.”

“Buttherearesomanybetterjobsoutthere,Em.”Shetiltsherhead.“Mineatthesalon,for

example.”

Idon’tsayanything.I’mnotenteringintoapissingmatchwithher.
Anawkwardsilencefollows,soIraisemyeyebrows.“Right.Well,I’mgoingtohaveashower,

grabsomethingtoeatandthenI’mofftobedforanearlynight.IhaveafeelingI’llsleepwell.”

Sheinhalesdeeply,thensheraisesahand.“Oh,holdonaminute.Ihavesomethingforyou.”She

jumpsupandgrabsapieceofpaperoffthecoffeetable,jabbingitinmydirection.“AMrPetersonrang
onyourcellphone.Hewantsyoutocallhimbackassoonasyougetachance.”

Ireachouttotakethepaperfromher.“Youansweredmyphone?”Damn,Ididn’tevenrealiseIleft

itbehind.

“Ihopeyoudon’tmind.Ithoughtitmightbesomethingimportant.”
IsievethroughmymemoryforanydealingswithaMrPetersoninthepast,butthenameis

unfamiliar.“Didhesaywhatitwasabout?”

Sheshrugs.“Hedidn’tmentionasubject.Doyouthinkit’srelatedtoMike’smurdercase?”
Iflinchatherwords.“Idon’tknow.It’sapossibility.I’lltryandcallhimnow.”
I’mawareofherwatchingmeasIpullupmymissedcallsandcheckthenumbershe’swritten

matchesthemostrecentoneonthelist.IfeeluncomfortablesoIbackoutoftheroombeforeIhitthecall
button.

Itclickstheotherandendthengoesstraighttoarecordedmessagesayingtheofficeisclosedandto

pleasetryagainafternineinthemorning.Ilookatmywatch.

Damn.It’sthemiddleofthenightbackhome.
IsavethenumberunderMrPeterson’sname,makingamentalnotetokeepmyphonewithmeatall

timesinthefuture.

Chapter9

OnTuesdaymorningit’swarmbutthere’sacoolbreezecomingofftheocean.ThefirstthingIdo

onceI’mawayfromthehouseispulloutmyphoneandbringupMrPeterson’snumber,tappingthedial
icon.

Oneofthedog-walkersIcrossedpathswithyesterdaywalkspastandnodsasherdog,achocolate

Labrador,racesoutoftheocean.

Thephoneringsacoupleoftimesbeforeabreezyfemalevoiceanswers.“MrPeterson’soffice,can

Ihelpyou?”

“Oh,hello.CanIspeaktoMrPetersonplease?”
“I’msorry,thatwon’tbepossible.MrPetersonisinameetingrightnow.CanIaskwhoiscalling?”
“Goddamit,Percy,”thedog-walkershoutsastheLabradorshowersherwithwater.
IpressmyfingertomyotherearsoIcanhearbetter.“Yes,mynameisEmilyEverett.MrPeterson

leftamessageformetocallhimyesterday.Idon’tsupposeyouhaveanyideawhatitwasabout,do
you?”

Iheartappingsoundsonakeyboardandaphoneringinginthebackground.“I’mafraidIdon’t.AllI

candoiswritedownyournameandaskhimtocallyoubackassoonashe’sfree.”

Isigh.“Okay,thankyou.”
“IsthereanythingelseIcanhelpyouwith,MsEverett?”
Ilookoutacrosstheocean.“Uh,yes,couldyoutellmewhatcompanyororganisationMrPeterson

worksfor?”

“Sure.He’stheheadofFraudatAlliedBank.”
“Oh,right,you’recallingfromthebank.”
Damn.
ThelineissilentforamomentandthenIhearMrPeterson’sassistant-Iassumethat’swhosheis,

drawinadeepbreath.“Okaythen,MsEverett.”There’sahintofimpatienceinhervoice.“Thankyoufor
yourcall.I’llmakesureMrPetersongetsyourmessageassoonasheisfree.”

“Thankyou,Iappreciateit.”Iendthecall,stopwalkingandtuckmyphoneaway.ThenIdropmy

headandpinchthebridgeofmynose.IwassosurethecallwasgoingtobeinrelationtoDad’smurder
investigation.

Iarriveatthecafejustbeforeseven.Nate’sMustangisparkedoutsidealongwithLois’Honda

Civic,thecafélightsareonandwhenItrythedoor,it’sunlocked.Ipushitopenandwalkinside.Otis
Redding’sSittin’ontheDockoftheBayisplayinginthebackground,there’sadelicioussweetsmell
comingfromthekitchenandLoisandRileyarestandingintheservingareaslurpingover-sizedcoffees.

“Heresheis,”Rileysays,reachinganarmouttoflipthecounterupforme.
“Thankyou.”IsmileasIwalkthroughtojointhem.
“Howareyouthismorning?”Loisasks.
“Notbad,thanks.”Idropmybagontoalowshelfandbenddowntograbanapron.“Howaboutyou

guys?”

“We’rejusthappytoseeyou,”Rileysays.“Itmeanswedidn’tscareyouoffyesterday.”
“Nochance.”Ipulltheapronovermyheadandfastenthestraps.“Workingheredefinitelybeats

stayingathome.”

“Mustbereallybad,”Loissays,winking.
Shehasnoidea.
Ismileandcatchthescentofsomethingsweet.“Somethingsmellsgood.”
Loistenses.“Shit...thepastries.”Sheslamshercupdownandrushesintothekitchenarea.Asshe

throwstheovendooropentheareafillswithawarm,sugaryaroma.“Oh,thatwasclose.Caughtthemjust
intime.”

Rileyrollshiseyes.“Everymorning,”hemouths.ThenheleansovertopickupLois’discardedcup

andtakesittothedishwasher.

Ismile.Theyremindmeofanoldmarriedcouple.Ahappyoldmarriedcouple.
There’saclatterasLoisputsthetrayofpastriesonthework-surface.“Emily,oncethey’vecooled,

canyousprinklethisoverthetop?”Shehandsmeashaker.“It’sacinnamonandsugarmix.”

“Ofcourse.”MymouthwatersasIputtheshakerdownnexttothetray.
Rileyheadsbackwithtwofreshcoffees.“Hereyougo,Emily.One’sforyouandcanyoutakethe

otheroneuptoNate.He’sintheoffice;it’supstairsontheright.Savemehobblingupthere.”

“Yes,ofcourse.Thanks.”Itakethesteamingmugsoffhim.Iwanttoaskhimwhyhehasalimp,but

itseemstoointrusivesoIdon’tsayanything.Iputmycoffeeonthesideandthenheadupstairswith
Nate’s.There’sasmalllandingatthetopofthestairswithadooroneitherside.Thedoortotherightis
halfopenandIhearpaperrustlingontheotherside.Itakeadeepbreathandknockonthedoor.

“Comein,”Nateshouts.
He’ssittinginachairinfrontofacomputermonitorwithanA4sheetinonehand,twirlingapen

betweenhisfingers.Hewatchesmeenterwithabemusedlookonhisface.“Iknewitwouldbeyou,
Emily.Nooneelseknocks.Andyoudon’thavetoeither.”

“Oh,right,Ididn’tknowifyouwerebusyornot.”
“Nevertoobusyforyou,”hesays,carefullyplacingthesheetofpaperontopofapileofothers.
“Ijustcametobringyouthis.”Iliftthemugceremoniouslybeforeplacingitonhisdesk.“From

Riley.”

“Thankyou.”Herunshisfingersthroughhishair.“I’mgladyoucameup.Iwantedtohaveaquick

chatwithyouinprivatetoseehowyougotonyesterday?”Apausewhilehestudiesme.“Doyouthink
you’llbehappystayingwithusawhile?”

Inod.“Definitely.Ienjoyedyesterday.It’sthefirsttimeinagesI’vefelt….”WhatisitIwanttosay?

Normal?Distracted?“Useful.”

Hegrins.“I’mhappytohearit.”Heputshiselbowsonthetableandlinkshishandstogether.“Lois

andRileycouldn’tspeakhighlyenoughofyouyesterday.I’mgladyouguysallhititoff.Makeseverything
aloteasier.”

Inod.Thefeeling’smutual.
Heloopshisfingersthroughthehandleofthecupandslidesitclosertohim.“Whatwasityoudidin

theUK?”heasks.“Beforeyoucamehere?”

ThisisstartingtofeelliketheinterviewIneverhad.Idecidetoomitthelastsixmonths.“Iwasat

college.”

“Whatwereyoustudying?”
“EnglishLanguageandLiterature.”
“Cool.Didyoufinishyourcourse?”
Ichewtheinsideofmycheekbeforedoingaquickshakeofmyhead.“Icouldn’t.Ihadtodropout.”
Hisbrowcreases.“Youhadto?Whywasthat?”
Iswallowhardasmyhandfindsmyscarundermysleeve.Nate’seyesfollowthemovementsoI

dropmyhandaway.“Itwasdowntofinancialreasons,”Isayhurriedly.“Icouldn’taffordtosupport
myselfinLondonanylongersothat’swhyIneededtomoveinwithmymomoverhere.”

“Oh,Isee.Wellthatsucks.Iknowwhatit’slikelivingonthebreadline,believeme.”
“Itwasn’teasy.”Itrytokeepmyvoicelight.“ButIalwaysknewIcouldcomehereifthingsevergot

reallybad,soI’vehaditeasierthanalotofpeople.”

Helooksawayforamoment.Something’sonhismindandIcantellhe’sdecidingwhethertoshareit

withme.Hetakeshiselbowsoffthedeskandsitsbackinthechair.“Wegrewuppoor,”hesays,
surprisingme.“Imeanreallypoor.Momworkedallhourstotryandscrapeenoughmoneytogetherto
feedusandbuyusclothes.”

“Wasyourdadnotaroundwhenyouweregrowingupthen?”
Helaughs.“HewasthereuntilIwasaboutfive.Thatwastheproblem.Hewasagambler.He

gambledawaythehouseandthecarandthenleftMomwithfourkidsundertheageoften,andahellofa
lotofdebt.”

“That’sawful,Nate,”Isay,quietly.“Itmusthavebeenhardforallofyou.”
Heshrugs.“Itwasn’tallbad,butitmotivatedthehelloutofme.Iworkmyassofftokeepthisplace

successful.”Hepicksuphismugandswirlsthecoffeearound.“It’swhatkeepsmefocussed.Deepdown,
I’mafraidoflosingitallonedayandendinguppooragain.”

“Ican’tseethathappening.Icouldn’tbelievehowbusyitgotyesterday.Thisplacemustbea

goldmine.”

Hisexpressionbrightens.“Hey,I’mnotcomplaining.Businessisgood.Ijustneedtomakesureit

staysthatway.”

Hisphonerings,bringinganendtoourconversation.“Thanksforbringingthecoffeeup,”hesays,

hoveringhishandoverhisphone.

“You’rewelcome.”Ismileandbackoutoftheroom,headingbackdownstairstojoinLoisand

Riley.

It’snotlongbeforethebelltinklesandthefirstgroupofcustomersheadin.
“It’sshowtime,”Loissays,straighteningherapron.
Theearlymorningrushallseemtobeaftersomekindofcaffeinefix.Afterbattlingwiththebeast

andservingvariouslattes,frappuccinosandespressos,IbegindustingLois’sugarmixoverthecooled
pastries.

I’mcompletelyengrossedinthetaskwhenIfeelashiftintheair,givingmethedistinctfeelingof

beingwatched.IlookupandseeSashastandingashortdistancefromthecounter.She’swearinga
sleevelesscreamdresswithadifferentover-sizedhandbagslungoverhershoulderandhersunglasses
arepushedhighontoherscalp.

Hermouthispursedandhereyesarescrutinising,butwhenshecatchesmelookingherexpression

softens.Sheapproachesthecounterwithherglossylipscurvedintoasmile.

“Theylookgood,”shesayspointingaperfectly-manicuredfingernailatthepastries.
Iforceasmile.“They’refreshlybaked.Loismadethem.”
“Theysmellgoodtoo.I’llhavetotryone.”
Iputtheshakerdownsendingcloudsofsweet,orangedustintotheair.“Sure.CanIgetyou

somethingtogowithit?Acoffee,or....”

“No,I’mnotstaying.Ijustcameinforaquickchat.”
Usingasetoftongs,Ipluckapastryoffthetrayanddropitontoaplateforher.“Nate’supinthe

officeifyou’vecometoseehim.”Islidetheplatetowardsher.

Sheliftsthepastryandinspectsitwithasuspiciouseye.“It’snotNateIwanttotalkto....”She

breaksacorneroffthepastryandpopsitintohermouth.Suchatinypiece,shedoesn’tevenneedtochew
beforesheswallows.“Mmm,thatisdelicious.”Shedelicatelydustsherhandsovertheplate,givingthe
impressionshe’sdoneeating.“Actually,Emily,it’syouIwanttohaveawordwith.”

Myheartsinks.Ipickatoweloffthecounterandwipemyhands.“Okay....”Iarchmyeyebrows.

“Whatabout?”

Sheflipsthecounterupandwalksthrough.ThescentofherperfumeissostrongIcanpractically

tasteit.

“Theproblemis,Emily,Idon’tknowifit’smyplacetosayanything.”
Okay,she’sofficiallystartingtoirritatemenow.
IglanceovertowhereLoisischattingtoatablefullofcustomersandsilentlywillhertocomeback

andsavemefromthis,butshedoesn’tevenlookup.

IturnbacktoSasha,mysmiletightening.“Look,ifyoufeelyou’vegotsomethingtosay,Sasha,then

youshouldjustgoaheadandsayit.”

Shenods.“You’reright.Butyouneedtounderstandthisisinconfidence.I’monlytellingyouthis

becauseyouseemlikeasweetgirlandIdon’twanttoseeyougethurt.”

Yeahright.
Hereyesnarrowandshelowershervoice.“So,Ineedyoutopromisemethiswillstayjustbetween

us.”

“I’mkindofbusy,”Isay,tappingthecounter.“Soyou’lljusthavetocomeoutwithit.”
Hereyesburnintomine.“Emily,Ineedtoknowthiswon’tgoanyfurther.”
Jeez,she’sgoingtoaskmetodoapinkiepromiseinaminute.
Isigh.“Ofcourse.Thisisjustbetweenus.”
Hereyeslingeronmineandshenods,seeminglysatisfied.“It’saboutNate.Ithinkyouneedtoknow

whathe’sreallylike.”

Iraiseaneyebrow.“Whatishe...amonsterorsomething?”
Shesmilesandshakesherhead.“Nate’snotamonster.He’sactuallyagreatguy.”
“Okay…sowhat’stheproblem?”
Hersmiledrops.“He’snotboyfriendmaterial,Emily.”
“Andthataffectsmehow?”
Shegivesmeaknowinglook.“Let’snotplaygames.Nate’sagreat-lookingguy,right?”
Idon’tknowwhethertolaughortellhertogetlost.“AndyouthinkI’mabouttothrowmyselfathim.

Isthatit?”

Shehalf-smiles.“No,you’reputtingwordsinmymouth.Idon’tthinkyou’relikethatatall.”Her

smilefallsaway.“It’stheotherwayround.Yousee,Nateadoreswomen.Andwhenheseesagirlhe
likes,heturnsonthefullNateO’Sheacharm,getswhathewants,butthenaboutaweeklaterhehasn’tgot
thetimeofdayforher.”

Ishakemyheadindisbelief.Ican’tbelieveheraudacity.
Sheregistersmyreactionandleanscloser.“Believeme,ifhehasn’tfedyouanyofhisbiglinesyet,

it’sonlyamatteroftime.”

Iforcemyvoicetostaylevel.“Sasha,Ifinditinsultingwe’reevenhavingthisconversation.Nate’s

myboss.Myrelationshipwithhimisstrictlyprofessionalandthat’sexactlyhowit’sgoingtostay.”

Sherollshereyes.“Hey,don’tgetallpissywithme.I’mnotgoingtoapologisefortakingthetimeto

warnyouwhathe’slike.You’reyoungandyou’renotusedtoguyslikeNate.Youhavenoideawhat
you’redealingwith.”

Igritmyteeth.“Well,it’svery….”Ipausetofindtherightword.Obnoxious?Arrogant?“Kindof

youtocomehereandenlightenme,butyouneedn’thavebothered.I’mnotasnaiveasIlook.”

Shestaresatmeforamomentbeforetakingadeepbreath.“Okay.Well,nohardfeelings.Ijust

thoughtitneededtobesaid.”Sheflipsupthecounterandwalksbackthrough.I’mabouttobreatheasigh
ofrelief,butbeforesheheadsoffsheturnstofacemeagainwithafarawaylookinhereyes.“Thereare
plentyofgirlsaroundherewho’vehadtheirheartbrokenbyNateO’Shea.I’dhatetoseeithappento
you.”

Chapter10

Thelastcoupleofdaysatthecaféhavebeenahappydistractionfromallthecrapinmylife.Ilove

theupbeatatmosphereoftheplace.IloveworkingwithLoisandRiley…andNate.I’menjoyinggetting
togripswithallthedifferentelementsthatmakethecaférunsmoothly,fromthecoffeemachine,thegrill
andtherelentlesswipingdownoftables,tosharingalaughwiththerichvarietyofcustomersthatwalk
throughthedooronadailybasis.MostofallIlovehowmymoodliftswheneverIenterO’Shea’sPlace.

ThedownsideisthatIhavetoleavethecaféeacheveningandreturntoRachel’shouse.Andtonight,

we’regoingforourfamilybondingmealattherestaurantHarrietbooked.

I’mabouttofollowHarrietoutsidethehousewhenmyphonespringstolifeinmybag.Ifishitout,

squintingtoseewho’scalling,butit’sanumberIdon’trecognise.

“Comeon,Em,”Harrietsays,grabbingherpurseofftheside.“Mom’salreadyinthecar.”
“Letmejusttakethiscall.I’llberightout.”
“Okay.”Sheheadsoutthedoor,thencallsoverhershoulder,“Butwhoeveritis,tellthemtobe

quick.”

Iignoreherandswipetoanswer.“Hello.”
“Hello,isthatEmilyEverett?”
“Yes,who’sthis?”
“ThisisGeorgePetersonfromAlliedBank.I’vebeentryingtogetholdofyou.”
“Oh,yes,Ididtrycallingyouback.Isthereaproblem?”
Hesighs.“I’mafraidso.Afterthemessyougotyourselfintowithmoneyjustafteryourfather

passedaway,you’reawarewe’vebeenkeepingafirmwatchonyouraccount.”

Iclearmythroat.“Yes,I’mawareofthat.”
“Ineedtoaskifyou’venoticedanystrangeactivityontheaccountrecently?”
“Uh…no.Ihaven’ttouchedthataccountsincethesecuritychanged,soIwouldn’thaveaclueif

anythingdodgywasgoingon.”

“Okay,well,I’msorrybutI’mcallingtotellyouthatmoremoneyhasbeenmovedoutoftheaccount

suspiciously.We’vetracedittoAfricathistime.Itlookslikeyou’vebeenscammedagain.”

“Oh.”Ipullataloosethreadonmyskirt.“Idon’tunderstandhowthatcould’vehappened….”
“Iwantyoutothinkreallyhard,MissEverett.Haveyouhadanyemailspretendingtobefromus,

sayingsomethinglike,Idon’tknow,there’saproblemwithyouraccount,andaskingyoutoupdateyour
detailsbyclickingonalink?”

“No,I’mnotanidiot.”Isnapthethreadoff,puckeringthematerial.“ItoldyouIdon’tremember

doingthatthefirst-timeround,butafterIgotscammed,Idefinitelywouldn’tfallvictimtothatkindof
thingagain.Inevergivemyaccountdetailstoanyone.”

“WhataboutemailsfrompeopleaskingyoutohelpthemtransferlargesumsofmoneyintotheUK

fromabroad?Hasanyoneofferedyouarewardifyouletthemuseyouraccount.”

“No,definitelynot.”
Hesighs.“Right,well,we’vebeenaskedtoshareanysuspiciousactivityonthataccountwiththe

policeinvestigatingyourdad’scase.Inthemeantime,ifanyonesendsyouanyemails,orcontactsyou
directlyregardingyouraccount,pleasegetintouchwithmeimmediately.Youhavemynumber.”

“Iwill,”Isayquietly.“Goodbye.”Ihangup,stretchthepuckeredpatchonmyskirtbackintoshape

andthenjointheothersinthecar.

TherestaurantHarrietbookedforourmealiscoolandairy.Darkwallsareframedbyabarrel-

vaultedceilingwithchunkywoodenbeams.Hundredsofdustywinebottleslinetheshelvesandlong,
tubularlampshadessuspendedfromlongcablesthrowmutedlightoverthetables.

RachelwantedtobringDominic,butHarrietinsisteditshouldjustbethethreeofus.“Youseehim

nearlyeveryday,Mom,”shesaid.“Thisispreciousfamilytime.”

Wewereshowntoourseatsassoonaswearrivedandayoungwaiterwithdowncasteyeswas

prompttocomeoverandtakeourorder.Harrietchosecharredoctopus,Rachelpickedbeefcarpaccio
andIaskedfortheSingaporecrab.I’vestillhaven’tgotmuchofanappetiteanditseemedlikethelightest
option.

Harrietistellingusaboutarecentincidentwheresomeguyproposedtohisgirlfriendinthecollege

cafeteriaandhowthegirlburstintofloodsoftearsassheaccepted.

“Andeveryonewassohappyforthem,congratulatingthemandstuff,”shesays,pullingaface.“Asif

rushingintomarriageisagoodthing.”

Rachelsighs.“Ican’tbelievethey’reallsostupid.Imean,howridiculousgettingtieddownattheir

age,cuttingoffalltheiroptions….”

IraisemyeyebrowsasIwatchher,amusedthatshe’ssoannoyed.She’sinnopositiontojudge.

Apartfromthesettledperiodwithmydad,shehasahistoryofjumpingfeetfirstintodoomed
relationships.SheusedtohaveapotonherdressingtableinLondonholdingalltheengagementrings
fromherpastrelationships,likesomesortoftrophycabinet.ItusedtodriveDadwildwithjealousy.I
wonderifshestillhastheringhegaveher?

Aveinstartstothrobinmytemple.Ipresstwofingersonitandmassageinacircularmotion.
ThewaiterreturnswithabottleofredwineandholdsitupforRacheltoinspect.
“I’msurethatwillbefine,”shesays,slidingherglassinfrontofhim.
Henodsandtipsasmallamountintotheglassandthenhoverswhilehewaitsfortheverdict.
Shethankshim,raisestheglasstoherglossylips,throwsherheadbackandswallowsitinonegulp.

“Oh,yes,”shesays,pushingherglassbacktowardshim.“That’sdivine.”Shesitsupstraighterandtugs
hertopdown,adjustingthenecklinesomaximumcleavageisonshow.Thepoorwaitershrinksintohis
shirtashetopsupherglass.

ItrytocatchHarriet’seye,butshe’snotlookingmyway.
Thewaiterclearshisthroatandstepstotheside,hoveringthebottleoverHarriet’sglass.Twospots

ofcolourhaveappearedhighonhischeeks.

“Oh,nothanks,”Harrietsays.“I’mdriving.”
Icatchhiseyeandgiveasmallshakeofmyhead,andthentrytoconveyaconciliatorysmile.

Henodsagain,placesthebottleinthecentreofthetable,scoopsuptheredundantglassesandbeats

ahastyretreat.

“Whatalovely,firmchestnutbutthehas,”Rachelsays,followinghimwithhereyes.
ThistimeHarrietmeetsmyeyebeforesheturnstoRachel.“Hedoeshaveacutebutt,”shesays

quietly.“Butyoureallyshouldloweryourvoicewhenyoupassanobservationlikethat,Mom.”

“Whatfor?”Shewatchesuntilthewaiterdisappearsthroughthekitchendoor.“I’vejustmadethat

youngman’sday.”

Harrietlaughs.“Idon’tthinkso.”
Racheltwistsinherseatandtheskinaroundhereyestightens.There’sadistinctchangeinhertone.

“Youthinkmenaren’tinterestedinme?Isthatit?”

Harriet’sfacedrops.“No,that’snotwhatImeant.Honestly,that’snotwhatImeantatall.”
“Iknowexactlywhatyoumeant,”Rachelsays,scowling.
Adifferentwaiterappearsbesideusandclearshisthroat.Hecan’tfailtomissthetensionthat’s

descendedoverourtablelikeafog.

HeplacesRachel’sandHarriet’smealsinfrontofthemandtellsushe’llbebackinamomentwith

mine.

Whilehe’sgone,wesitinawkwardsilence.Ifeelhotanduncomfortable.Isweepmyhairbackfrom

myface,wishingIwasbackhomeinLondon.WithDad.

Whenthewaiterreturns,heplacesalargedishinfrontofmewithabrightredcrabstillinitsshell,

beforecarefullylayingoutafingerbowl,somekindofshell-crackertool,anapkinandabib.

Damn.Idefinitelyorderedthewrongthing.
Hequietlyasksifthere’sanythingelseweneed.
Familycounselling,perhaps?
“No,we’regood,”Rachelsaysusingabristlytone.Sheshakesouthernapkinandplacesitonher

lapandthen,incaseHarrietthoughtshewasforgiven,flashesheracausticglare.

Thewaiterkeepshiseyesdownandslipsawayfromthetable.
Harrietpicksupherforkandspearshercharredoctopus.Followingherlead,Ipickupthecracker

toolandturnitovertryingtoworkoutthebestwayofattackingtheshell.

WebothjumpasRachelbangshercutleryonthetable.“Menstillwantme,”shesays.Thenshe

wavesherforkaroundherhead.“LookatDominic.He’srich.Hecouldprobablyhaveanywomanhe
wants,buthechoseme.”

Harrietfrowns.“Buthehasn’tlefthiswife,hashe?”
Rachelglaresather.“Youknowwhyhehasn’tlefther.And,anyway,hewouldifIaskedhimto.”
“Ofcourse,”Harriet’svoiceturnssoothing;thetypeofvoiceaparentmightusetocalmahysterical

child.“Andyou’rebeautiful,Mom.Ialwaystellyouthat.Youlookamazingforyourage.”

Rachel’sfacecreases.“Whatdoyoumeanformyage?”
Harrietsitsupstraighter.“Ijustmeant….”
“Jesus,couldyoubeanymoreinsulting?”
“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.”Harriettakesadeepbreathandleansacrossthetable,placingherhand

onRachel’sarm.“Mom,please,youneedtotoneitdownabit.Peoplearestaring.”

Rachellooksaroundtherestaurantandthere’sashiftintheairaspeoplequicklyturnbacktotheir

tables,pretendingtobefullyengagedintheirownconversations.“Good.Letthemstare.”Shedirectsher
commentstoanelderlycouplesittingatthetableclosesttous.“Iftheirlivesarethatboringtheyneedto
listentome,thenI’mhappytogivethemabreakfromtheirmundaneexistence.”

Harrietmeetsmyeyebriefly.Acryforhelp.
IclearmythroatandturntoRachel.“So,uh,Iwaswondering,howthingsaregoingatthesalon?”

ThesalonisobviouslyherprideandjoysoI’mhopingmentioningitwillbeenoughtodistracther.“Is

businessgoodatthemoment?”

Hereyesarevacant,hermindelsewhere.IttakesafewsecondsforhertoregisterI’veevenspoken.

“Uh…what?”Herfingerspullatthetablecloth.

“Ijustaskedifbusinesswasgoodatthesalon.”
Shetakesacoupleofdeep,controlledbreathsandthenhereyeslightupasshecomesbacktolife.

Sheturnstofaceme.“Actually,I’mgladyoubroughtitup.Thingsatthesalonaregoingprettywell.”

Ipressacoolpalmtomyhotfaceandnod.“That’sgood.”
Herfacebecomesanimated.“Infactthingsaregoingsowell,I’mplanningtoexpand.”Sheflicksher

hairbehindhershouldersandshakesitout.Justlikethat,she’sbackinpeacockmode.

“Thatsoundsgreat,”Isaynodding.
SheglancesinHarriet’sdirectionandhersmileslips.“Ofcourse,Harrietdoesn’tapprove.”
MyheartsinksashurtflashesinHarriet’seyes.HerlipspresstogetherandIcantellshe’skeeping

quietforthesakeofthepeace.

“Goahead,Harriet.TellEmilywhat’sonyourmind.”
Harriettakesadeepbreathandfrowns.“Idon’thaveaproblemwithyouexpanding…Ijustdon’t

wantyoutorushintoanything.”

Rachelnarrowshereyesandthenturnsbacktofaceme.“Expandingisexactlytherightwaytogo.

DominicishappytoinvestallthemoneyIneed,soIdon’tseewhyHarrietwouldhaveaproblemwith
it.”

Harrietraisesherpalms.“It’snotthatIdon’tthinkyoushouldexpand,ever.Ijustdon’tthinkyou

shouldbesoreliantonDominic.Thesalonisdoingwell,sowhynotstartpayinghimoffandthenexpand
later.”

Rachellaughs.“Dom’smoneyhasneverbotheredyoubefore.Whodoyouthinkpaysforthehouse

youlivein?”

“I’mfullyawarewhopaysthemortgage.”Harrietshakesherhead.“Mom,we’vediscussedthis.I

thoughtyouwantedtobemoreself-sufficient.WhathappensifyourrelationshipwithDominicends?Do
welosethehouse?Thesalon?Wherewillwebethen?”

IglanceatHarrietandtrytoconveymoralsupportwithoutRachelnoticing.IwishI’dneverstarted

thisstupidconversation.

Rachelsniffsandcarriesontalking,completelyignoringeverythingHarrietjustsaid.“So,theplan

is,I’mgoingtostartofferingcosmeticprocedures,andinordertodothatI’mgoingtoneedmorestaff.”
Shenudgesmewithherelbow.“Actually,Em,I’mhopingI’llbeabletopersuadeyoutoquitwiping
tablesandcomeandjoinme.Iknowyou’llloveitandit’llbesomuchfunworkingtogether.”

Iswallowhard.That’sthelastthingIwanttodo.
“Andthegoodnewsisthenumberofcustomerswe’llgetthroughthedoorfordermalfillerswillpay

offtheinvestmentplusalltheotherdebtswithinthefirstyear.It’spracticallyguaranteed.”

“That’swhatyousaidaboutthelaserhairremovalsystem,”Harrietsaysgently.“Thatinvestmentis

nowherenearbeingpaidoff.”

Rachelstandssoabruptly,herchairtopplesover.Shesucksinadeepbreath,makingherchestrise.

“Thatisenough,Harriet.”

Iscootdowninmychair,tryingtoignorethedisapprovinglooksoftheotherdiners.
“Mom,please,”Harrietsays.“Canwetalkaboutthisathome?”
“Ohsorry,Harriet,amIshowingyouupagain?”Sheturnstomeandherexpressionsoftens.“You’ll

havetoexcuseme,Emily.I’vecompletelylostmyappetite.I’mgoingtograbacabandspendthenightat
ahotel.I’msureDominicwillbedelightedtojoinme.”Shesnatchesherpurse,flicksherhairoverher
shoulderandwalksstifflytowardstheexit.Youcanalmosthearasighofrelieffromtheothercustomers
asoneofthewaitersholdsthedoorforher.

IturntoHarriet.“ShouldIgoafterher?”Ireallydon’twanttogoafterher.
Harrietpressesherlipstogetherandgivesasmallshakeofherhead.
“Butdoyouthinkshe’llbeokay?”
“She’llbefine.Leaveher.”
“Okay,”Isayquietly.
Wesitinuneasysilenceforawhile.Forsomethingtodo,Iplacethecrackeraroundtheshellonmy

crabandsqueezethehandle.Theshellsplinterswithacrunchingsoundand,despitelosingmyappetite,I
scoopoutabitofthefleshandpopitinmymouth.Chiliheatsmytongue,followedbygingerandgarlic.

“She’snotdrunk,”Harrietannounces.
Iforcemyfooddowninonepainfulswallow.“Oh.She’snot?”
“Iknowthat’swhatyou’rethinking,butyou’rewrong.She’snotdrunk.”
Iplacethecrackerontotheplateanddipmyfingersinthewaterbowl,sendingdripsontothe

tablecloth.“Areyousure?BecauseIwasbeginningtothink….Imean,sheknockedthatwinebackpretty
fastandshealwaysseemstohaveadrinkinherhandathome.”

Harrietpushesherplateawayandsighs.“Shedoesdrinktoomuch,butshe’snotdrunk.Notyet,

anyway.That’snotwhatjusthappened.”

Ipickupmynapkin,drymyhandsandwipemymouth.“Okay,soyouneedtotellmethen,whatdid

justhappen?”

Harriet’sfacecreasesandforamomentIthinkshe’sgoingtocry.Thenshetakesadeepbreathand

herexpressionchangestoonedevoidofemotion.“Everythingwassupposedtobeperfect,”shewhispers.

Iwaitforhertoexplain,butshestayssilent.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Isaygently.“Thisevening?”
Sheshrugs.“Allofit.Tonight.Thismeal.Yourstaywithus.”Shelooksaroundtherestaurant.“I

wanteditalltobeperfectsoyou’dlikeithereandwanttostay,insteadofgoingbackhometotheUK.”

Oh.
Shepicksupthejug,pourswaterintoherglassandtakesalongsip.Thenshelooksatme.“Iknow

deepdownyouwanttogobacktoLondon.You’reonlyherebecauseyouhaven’tgotanyotheroptions.”

“Harriet….”
“No,youdon’thavetosayanything,Em.Iseeitinyourexpressioneverytimethesubjectcomes

up.”

Iwanttotellhershe’swrong.Iwanttosaysomethingtomakeherfeelbetter,butI’mnotgoingtolie

toher.Ioweherthatmuch.

“I’vebeentryingsohardtomakeeverythingworksinceyoucamehere.Doyouknowhowdifficult

it’sbeengivingyouspacesoyoudon’tfeelsuffocated,whenallIwanttodoismakeupforallthetime
we’velost?”Sheraisesherhandtowardsthedoor.“ButMomhadtodoherusualandruineverything.”

IwishIcouldfindsomewordstocomforther,butshe’sright.IfIwasgoingtostartbuildingbridges

withRachel,Ineededtonighttobeperfecttoo.Itreallycouldn’thavegonemuchworse.

“EverysinglenightsinceIcametoCaliforniawithMom,Iprayedthatyou’dcomeandjoinus.

That’swhyIkeptsendingyouletters,hopingIcouldtemptyoutocomeover.Youcan’timaginehowhard
it’sbeenforme.”

MysympathycomestoanabrupthaltandInarrowmyeyes.ItakeacoupleofdeepbreathsbeforeI

darespeak.“Youthinkitwashardforyou?Howcanyousaythat,Harriet?Youweren’ttheonewhogot
leftbehind.”

Hereyeswiden.“DoyouthinkIwantedourfamilytosplitup?”Sheshakesherheadindisbelief.

“Em,Iwouldneverhaveleftifithadbeenuptome.”Hervoiceshakeswithemotion.“Itwastheworst
thingthateverhappenedtome.OneminuteIwasinahappyfamily,andthenthenextIwaspluckedaway
fromthelittlesisterIadored,takenawayfrommyschool,myhome....”Alonetearstartstosnakeitsway

downhercheek.“ItwaslikeIwastrappedinthemiddleofanightmareandIcouldn’tmakeitstop.”

MymindwhirlsasItrytogetmyheadaroundwhatshe’stellingme.“I...Ithoughtyouwantedto

comehere?”

Shemakesasplutteringsound,anoisesomewherebetweenlaughingandcrying.“Iwasfifteen,Em.

NobodycaredwhatIwanted.”

“Butatleastyouknewwhatwashappening.”Iswallowhard.“Ididn’tknowyouwereleavingthat

day.Youdidn’tevenbothertosaygoodbye.”

Sheshakesherhead.“That’sbecauseIdidn’tknowwhatwasgoingon.Momtoldmeshehada

surpriseandtogowaitinthecar.Ihadnoideawhatwasreallyhappeninguntilwearrivedattheairport.
Eventhensheletmethinkyouwouldbejoiningussoon.Aboutaweekafterwegothereshetoldmethe
truth.Iwasamess,begginghertotakemebackhomeandthreateningallsorts.”Shelooksupwithmake-
upsmudgedunderhereyes.“Sodon’ttellmeitwasn’thardforme,okay?Justdon’t.”

Iwatchherforamoment,lettingthisnewinformationsinkin.ThenIslidemychairclosertohers

andofferheranapkintowipehertears.“Ididn’tknow,”Iwhisper.“I’msorry,Harrie.Ihadnoidea.”

Shesniffs.“Isthatwhyyou’vebeenabitcoldtowardsme?BecauseyouthoughtIwashappyto

leaveyouallthoseyearsago?”

Ishrug.“IguessI’vebeensowrappedupinbeingthevictim;theonewhowasharddoneby,Inever

stoppedtothinkhowbaditmusthavebeenforyou.”

Shewipesthenapkinunderhereyesandtheninspectsitformake-up.“Well,Momprettymuch

screwedusbothup,didn’tshe?”

Chapter11

Ididn’tsleepwelllastnight.Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouthowRachelactedintherestaurantand

howhardshewasonHarriet.It’snotthatIwassurprisedbyherattitude.I’vegotfirst-handexperienceof
howselfishshecanbe.Andhowdismissive.It’sjustthatI’veneverseenherbehavelikethattowards
Harrietbefore.Ithoughtthosetwowereasthickasthieves.LastnightmademerealisehowhardHarriet
worksattheirrelationship.AndhowluckyRachelistohaveher.Imakeamentalnotetobemore
supportivetoHarrietfromnowon.It’stheleastIcando.

LoisputsatrayofDanishpastriesinfrontofme.“Tryone,”shesays.“They’redelicious.EvenifI

dosayitmyself.”

Itakeoneofthegoldenpastriesandbiteintotheflaky,butteryshell.
“OhmyGod.”Iwipecrumbsfromthesideofmymouth.“Lois,thisisamazing.”
Shenodsproudly.“Iknow.Makesureyoueatitallup.Youcoulddowithsomemoremeatonyour

bones,girl”.

“Wellitwon’ttakelongifyoukeepfeedingmestufflikethis,willit?”
“Saveoneforme,”Rileysays,ashewalkspast.He’shuggingcardboardtohischest,presumablyon

hiswayouttotherecyclingbin.

Iwatchhimgo,wonderingagainabouthisunevengait.“Lois,”Isay,oncehe’soutofearshot.“Why

doesRileywalkwithalimp?”

“Ohthat?”Herfacedarkens.“Hegotattacked.Itwasaboutayearago,outsidesomebar.Hegot

beatenupprettybad.”

“That’sawful.”Myhandautomaticallyfindsthescarthroughmylong-sleevedtop.
Loismovescloser.“Therewastwoofthem.Theygavehimabrokennose,concussionandsmashed

hiskneecap.”

“PoorRiley.”

“LuckilyNatewasatthesamebar.Rileysayshesavedhislifethatnight.Herushedoutsidewhenhe

heardwhatwashappeningandfoughtthemoff.Godknowswhatwould’vehappenedifhedidn’tstop
themwhenhedid.”

“DidRileybringchargesagainstwhoeverdidit?”
“No.Noonegotarrested.Natecouldn’tchaseafterthembecauseRileywasinsuchastate.”
Ishakemyheadslowly.
“Rileyknewwhowasresponsiblethough.”
“Someoneheknew?”
Shenods“NatewaslividwithRileywhenhefoundoutwhoitwasandthereasonbehindit.”
Ifrown,waitingforhertotellme.
Shedipshervoice.“TheyweredealersandRileyowedthemmoneyfordrugs.”
“Oh.”
“He’sprettyopenaboutit.Hesaidhe’dlosthiswaybackthen,gotinwiththewrongcrowdand

startedusingsomeheavystuff.”Sheraisesherhandsandadjuststhebandonherponytail.“Hedoesn’t
usenow.Nategothimcleanandawayfromthosekindofpeople.Ithinkthat’swhyNatelikeshimliving
andworkinghere…sohecankeepaneyeonhim.NatesavedRiley’slifeinmorewaysthanonethat
night.”

“Soapartfromhislimp,isheokaynow?”
“Yeah,he’sfine.”
Inod.“I’mglad.I’dhatetothinkhewasstillinvolvedinanythinglikethat.I’vegotalotoftimefor

Riley.”

Shegivesmeashysmile.“I’vegotalotoftimeforRiley,too.”
Idoadoubletake.There’satwinkleinhereyeandthelongerIstudyher,theredderhercheeksget.
“Oh,youmeanyoulikehimalot,don’tyou?”
Shenods.“He’scompletelyoblivious.Idrophintsallthetimebuteitherhe’sabitslowonthe

uptake,orhe’sreallynotinterestedandhe’sjustbeingpolite.”

“Ithinkyouneedtohintabitharder,becauseIhadnoideaeither.Howlonghaveyoulikedhim,like

that?”

Shegrins.“Sincethefirstdayhestartedworkingatthecafé,aboutninemonthsago.Iknowhecomes

acrossasthisconfident,funnyguy,butwhenNatefirstintroducedus,hecouldbarelystringasentence
togetherwhenhewasalonewithme.Ilikedthat.Itmadehimseemvulnerableandcute.”

Ismile.“Ican’timagineRileybeinglikethat.Youtwogetalongsowell.Youneverrunoutofthings

tosaytoeachother.”

Sheraiseshereyebrows.“That’stheproblem.Iusedtothinkhelikedme.NowI’mworriedincase

he’smovedonandI’minthefriendzone.”

Inudgeherwithmyelbow.“Well,youneedtodosomethingaboutitthen.”
Sheshrugs.“Whatifhe’snotinterested?Workwouldbesoawkward.”
Iknowexactlyhowthatfeels.
“Butwhatifheisinterestedandyouneverfindout?”
Loisfrownsforamomentandthenalookofdeterminationsettlesonherface.Shetakesadeep

breath.“Youknowwhat?You’reright.Ineedtostepupmygame.There’sasunsetbeachpartynext
Fridaynight.Thatmightbetheperfectopportunitytomakemymove.”

“Really?You’redefinitelygoingtogoforit?”
Shebitesherlip.“Maybe.”
“Lois….”
“Guesswhat?”shesays,raisinghervoice.“You’recomingtoo.”
“What?”Ittakesmeaminutetocatchupwiththechangeindirection.“Oh,no,Idon’tthinkso.”

“Youhaveto.It’sonlyacrossthestreet.You’llloveit,Em.”Sheputsherhandsonherhips.

“Besides,I’mnottakingnoforananswer.”

Rileywalksbackinandstopsbyherside,havingcaughtthelastsentence,andoblivioustothefact

therestoftheconversationwasabouthim.“I’mnottakingnoforananswer,either.Comealong,Em.
Whathaveyougottolose?”

Mybodysags.“CanIthinkaboutit?”
“I’lltakethatasayes,”Loissaysandhigh-fivesRiley.
“Hey,I’mnotpromisinganything.”
ThegrinonherfacetellsmeshethinksIalreadyhave.Ishakemyheadandwalkovertothestore-

roombeforeIcommittosomethingI’mgoingtoregret.

IentertheroomatthesametimeNateentersfromtheoutsidedoor.Thebreezeoftheoceanfollows

himin.

Hisfacelightsupwhenheseesme.“Hey,Emily.Whatareyouupto?”heasks,pullingthedoorshut

afterhim.

“Hi,Nate.”Ismileathim.“Ijustcameintogetsometeatowels.”
Hisbrowcreases.“Somewhat?”
“Teatowels.”Igraboneofftheside.“These.”
“Ha.”Hereachesahandoutformetothrowittohim.“Wecallthesedishtowels.”
“Oh,right.”Itakeanotheroneofftheshelf,holditbythecornerandtwistitabsentmindedly.“I’ve

heardRach….mymomcallthemthatbefore.

Hiseyesfixontothetowelinmyhandandwiden.“Youappeartobeturningthattowelintoa

weapon,MissEverett.”

Ilookatthedanglingpieceofmaterialandthenbackathim.“Oh.It’sahabitofmine.Sorry.”
Hislipsformacrookedsmile.“Whatareyou?SomesortoftowelJedi?”
Ilaugh.“Maybe.WhenIneedtobe....”
Hegrinswickedly.“WellIhappentobequitehandymyself.HowaboutIchallengeyoutoaduel?”
Istudyhimforamoment,tryingtoworkoutifhe’sserious.Hiseyesarealightwithmischiefashe

startstwistinghisowntowelintoaweaponandpositionshimselfsidewaystome,asifwe’reaboutto
takepartinafencingmatch.

“Youdon’tscareme,”Isay,feelingcourageousinfrontofhimforthefirsttime.
“Isthatright?”Hewinks.“WhataboutwhenIdothis?”Heflickshistoweltothesideanditmakesa

loudsnappingsound.

Istifleagiggleandshakemyhead.“Nope.Stillnotscared.”
Hetakesacoupleofpacestowardsmebutthenhiscellphone,sittinginhisbackpocket,jumpsto

lifeandbreakshisconcentration.HeleansforwardasheretrievesitandItakemychance,raisingmy
handandflickingmytowelathim.Itcatcheshimonthebuttandmakesthedesiredsound.Hetwists
around,pullingahorrifiedfacewhileherubsthepointwherethetowelmadecontact.Hecan’tsay
anythingbecausehe’salreadypickedupthecall.

Igrabsomemoretowelsofftheshelfandretreatoutofthestoreroomandbacktotheserving

counter.IsmiletomyselfasIstarttounloadthedishwasher.It’sacoupleofminutesbeforeNateappears
bymyside.

“Sooo,”hesays,throwinghistowelonthecounter.“Youliketoplaydirty,huh?”
Igrin.“Noguts,noglory.”
Hestudiesmeforamomentandhisexpressionturnsserious.“IthinkImighthaveaproblemwith

youworkinghere.”

Mysmiledrops.Shit.I’vecompletelymisjudgedthesituation.I’veonlybeeninthisjobfiveminutes

andI’vewhackedthebossonhisbackside.WhatthehellwasIthinking?

HestepscloseranddropshisvoicesoonlyIcanhear.“Andthatproblemishowmuchyoudistract

me.”

Chapter12

IpourtwocoffeesfromthemachineinRachel’skitchen,loopmyfingersthroughthehandlesand

carrythemupstairs.ItapthebottomofHarriet’sdoorwithmyfootandthenpullthehandledownwithmy
elbow.Thedoorswingsopen,revealingHarrietlyingonherbedwithherphoneheldaloft.Shespotsthe
coffeeandgrins,pullingherselfintoasittingposition.

Iraiseamugintheair.“Imadeoneforyou.Doyouwantit?”
“Sure,thanks.”Shelookssohappyatthissimplegesture,IfeelapangofguiltthatIhaven’tdoneit

before.

Iwalkoverandplaceitdownonthering-markedunitbesideherbed.ThenIlookattheclutterall

overhersheets.“IsitokayifIsitdown?”

Shegrabsapileofwashinganddumpsitonthefloorbeforepattingthebed.“Ofcourse.Youdon’t

havetoask.”

Holdingmycoffeealoft,Icarefullylowermyselfnexttoherandthentuckmylegsintoacross-

leggedposition.

“So,whatareyouupto?”Iask,takingasmallsipofmydrink.
“Nothingmuch.”Shewavesherarmsaroundindicatingthemess.“Iwasgoingtohaveasortoutin

here,butIgotdistractedbyInstagram,asusual.”

Ismile.
“Youhaven’tgotanaccount,haveyou?”sheasks.
Ishakemyhead.
“Whynot?”
“Idon’treallydosocialmedia,it’snotmykindofthing.”I’veneverunderstoodthefascinationwith

itall.Iseeitasatediouspopularitycontest;peopleportrayinganenhancedversionoftheirlives,using
filterstobluroutanythingtheydon’twantotherpeopletosee.

OrmaybetherealreasonIdon’tlikesocialmediaisbecausemylifeissofarfromperfectright

now,Ifinditpainfulseeingallthosehappy,smileyphotos.

Shelaughs.“Youareastrangeone,Emily.”
Ishrug.
“Ohwell,eachtotheirown.How’slifeatO’Shea’s.Areyoustillenjoyingit?”
Inod,thecornersofmymouthturningupasIrememberthetowelfight.
“Andhowaboutthatbossofyours?”Sheasks,studyingme.“Doyouseemuchofhim?”
“Abit,”Isay.“Butmostlyhe’soutorworkingupstairs.IspendmostofmytimewithLoisandRiley,

hisbrother.”

Theskinpuckersbetweenhereyebrows.“IsRileyanythinglikeNate?”
“Well,theylookalike,ifthat’swhatyoumean….”
“ImeanisheflirtylikeNate?”
Isigh.“Whatisthis,Harriet,theSpanishInquisition?”
Shelaughs.“Sorry.Ican’thelpfeelingprotectiveofmylittlesis.Maybeit’sbecauseMom’snotthat

maternal;Ihavethisinnerneedtostepinandmakesureyou’reokay.”

Ismile,apocketofwarmthspreadinginside.“I’mfine,Harriet.NateandRileyaregoodpeople.

Youhonestlydon’tneedtoworryaboutme.O’Shea’sPlaceislikeabreathoffreshair.WhenI’m
workingthere,itgivesmeabreakfromthinkingaboutanythingelse;allthecrapthat’sgoneon.”

Shenods.“That’sgoodtohear,Em.Really.I’mpleasedforyou.”
Irunmyfingeraroundtherimofmymugbeforetakingadeepbreath.“Harriet,Ithinkweneedto

talkaboutRachel.”

Shetensesandhereyesfixontohermug.
“Youneedtotellmewhat’sgoingonwithher.”
Shefrownsandlooksbackup.“Iwishyouwouldn’tcallherRachel.It’slikeaslapinthefaceevery

timeyousayit.”

Iignoreherandsitupstraighter.“Whydidsheactthewayshedidintherestauranttheothernight?”
Shedoesn’tsayanythingsoIattempttospurheron.“Becauseyousaidshewasn’tdrunk.Andthen

yousaidsomethingabout‘that’snotwhatjusthappenedhere.’So,thatleadmetothinksomethingspecific
hadhappened,butthenyounevergotroundtotellingmewhatitwas.”

Shepursesherlipsandblowsoutadeepbreath.“Shewashavingoneofherepisodes.”Her

eyebrowsturnupatthemiddle.“Comeon,Em.Haven’tyouworkeditoutyet?Youmusthavenoticedthe
wildmoodswingsshehas?”

“Well...yeah,butthat’snotunusualforher,isit?She’salwaysbeenabitlikethatasfarasIcan

remember.”

“Andwhataboutthewayshefliesfromoneideatothenext?Theridiculousplansshecomesup

with?”

“Harriet,you’restartingtoworrymenow.”Ileanacrosshertoputmymugdownonthebedside

table.ThenIsitbackwithmyfingerslinkedtogether.“Whatonearth’swrongwithher?”

Harrietmumblessomething.
“Shehaswhat?”
Shemeetsmyeyeandspeaksclearly.“It’scalledborderlinepersonalitydisorder.”
Itestthewordsonmylips.I’veheardoftheconditionbeforebutIonlyhaveavagueideaofwhatit

is.

“Thinkaboutit,”Harrietcontinues.“Howoneminuteshecanbehappyandupbeatandthenwithin

theblinkofaneyeshechangesandbecomesangry,oranxiousaboutsomething.”

“Alotofpeoplehavemoodswings.Areyousure….”
“You’vealreadynoticedshedrinkstoomuch.That’srelatedtothecondition.Andshehasthese

impulsestodorecklessstuff.”

“Suchas….”
“She’llgoonwildshoppingspreesandspendthousandsofdollarsonclothesshedoesn’teven

wear.Andthere’sotherstuff,too.Worsestuff.”Herjawtightens.“Sheputsherselfatrisk.”

Myheadstartstospin.“Whatdoesshedo?”
Shelooksdown.“Shegoesoutandmeetsrandommen.”Whenshelooksbackhereyesarefilled

withsuchsadnessmyheartdoesaninvoluntarysqueeze.

Isitquietforamoment,allowingtheinformationtosinkin.
“Ihadnoidea,”Iwhisper.Ican’tthinkofanythingelsetosay.
“She’sbeenlikethissinceforever.ShewasdiagnosedbackinLondonasbipolar,butwenowknow

it’sborderlinepersonalitydisorder.”

Ishakemyhead,unabletogetmyheadaroundwhatshe’stellingme.
“Don’tyourememberwhenwewereyoung?”shecarrieson.“Howsheusedtogooffonthosemini-

breaks?”

“Yes….”
“Thatwaswheneverherillnessgotoutofhandandshehadtobeadmittedfortreatment.”
“Ididn’tknow,”Isayagain.“Surelythere’ssomesortoftherapyormedicationshecantaketo

controlit?”

Harrietrollshereyes.“Dominic’spaidforhertohaveallsortsoftherapy;cognitivebehavioural

therapy,schema-focussedtherapy,dialecticalbehaviourtherapy…younameit,she’striedit.They
prescribeLithiumforhertotryandstabilisehermoods.Itdoeshelp,butshedoesn’talwaysrememberto
takeit.NotunlessIremindher.

Ipresstheheelofmyhandtomyforehead.“Whydidn’tanyonetellme?Dadneversaidanything.”
Harrietraiseshereyebrows.“Ithinkhetriedtoprotectyoufromit,Em.Itwasonlywhenwemoved

hereandhewasn’taroundthatIrealisedhowbadshewas.”

Shetiltsherheadfromside-to-side,stretchingoutherneck.“Herillnessispartofthereasonshe

endedupwithDominic.Itwasanotheroneofthecrazyplansshehatchedduringanimpulsivephase.Of
course,afterwelivedhereforacoupleofmonths,sherealisedshe’dmadeahugemistakeandwantedto
gobacktotheonlymansheeverreallyloved;Mike.Shewrotetohimandaskedhimifyoutwowould
moveoverhereasoriginallyplanned,butMikesaidno.Thensheaskedifwecouldcomebackandlive
withyouguysinLondoninstead,andhetoldheroutright,hedidn’ttrustherandhedidn’tloveher
anymore.Well,shecan’treallycopewithrejectionsothatnearlyflippedherovertheedge.”

Ichewtheinsideofmycheek.Ican’tbelieveDaddidn’ttellmeanyofthis.
“LuckilyforMom,Dominicisrichandinfatuatedwithher.He’lldoanythingtokeepherinhislife.

AfterhefoundoutshecontactedMike,heboughtherthishouseandthesalonforhertorunbecausehe
wassoterrifiedshe’dleavehimandheadbacktotheUK.”

Ishakemyheadsoftly.
Harrietreachesoutandputsahandonmyarm.“Pleasedon’thateher,Em.She’snotabadperson.

Shejusthasabadillness.”

IthinkaboutthatforamomentandlookbackatHarriet.“Whenshetakeshermedication,howis

she?”

“Different.Calmer.”
“Right,sowhatIdon’tunderstand,whatI’mstrugglingtogetmyheadaroundis,whenshewason

meds,allthosetimeswhenshewasdifferentandcalmer,whydidn’tshegetintouchwithmethen?”

Harriettakesadeepbreath.“Comewithme.”Shehopsoffthebedandreluctantly,Ifollowherto

Rachel’sbedroomdoor.

“Shedidn’tcomebackthismorning,didshe?”Iask,feelinghesitant.
Harrietshakesherhead.“No,Iknowthehoteltheystayat.It’srightnexttothesalon.She’llhave

gonestraightfromtheretotheworkthismorning.”

Harrietopensthedoorandmyeyeswiden.Ihaven’tbeeninhereyet.Rachelhasoneofthebiggest

bedsI’veeverseen,withahugeChesterfieldstyleheadboard.Butthat’snotwhat’stakenmyattention.
Besidethebedisasmalltablewithjustoneitemonit;ablackandwhitephotoofmeataroundtwelve-
years-old.I’veneverseenthatpicturebefore.It’sbeentakensideon,andI’msmilingatsomethinginthe
distance.It’soneofthosecarefreephotostakenwhenthesubjectdoesn’trealiseacameraispointingat
them.ItmusthavebeenoneofthelastphotosRacheltookofmebeforesheleftLondon.

Harrietfollowsmyfocusandsmilessadly.“Sheadoresthatphoto,Em.Leavingyoureallydidbreak

herheart.”

Ipressmylipsintoatightsmile.
Harrietwalksovertoaclosetandslidesoneofthemirroreddoorsopen.Shecrouchesdownand

dragsoutastorageboxwithapurpleflowerypatternonit.Shepopsthelidoffandsitsonthefloorin
frontofit,pattingthespacenexttoher.

IsitdownnexttoherandwatchasHarriet’sfingersfanthroughthepaperworkinthebox.Shefinds

whatshe’slookingforandpullsoutamedicalreportwithconfidentialstampedonit.

“Readthis,”shesays,openingthereporttoapagefilledwithsmudgedhandwriting.
Itakeholdofitandsmoothmyhandoverthepage.

“Thisparagraphhere,”Harrietsays,tappingherfingerhalfwaydown.
Ipushmyhairbackfrommyfaceandbeginreading.
‘Youhavehighlightedyourseconddaughterliveswithherfatherwhois,inyourwords,“agood,

kindmanandanexceptionalfatherwholovesEmilyverymuch.”Itisunfortunatethatyour
relationshipwiththismanhasbrokendownbeyondrepair.Myadviceisthatyoumustmakeatough
decision.YoueithermovebacktotheUKandbeapresentparenttoyourdaughter,oryourelinquish
allparentalresponsibilitytoyourex-husband,andspareherthepainofremoteparenting.’

IcatchHarrietlookingatme.
“It’shisfaultshenevercontactedyou.Heshouldhavebeenmoreclear.”
Isniff.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Momtookthatadvicetomeanshehadtocutoffallcontactwithyou,foryourbenefit.Itriedtotell

hershe’dmisunderstood,andthatheonlymeantsheshouldn’ttrytoparentyou;thatofcourseyouwould
benefitfromregularcontactwithher,evenifitwasjustlettersandphonecalls.”Shestartsshakingher
head.“Butshewouldn’tlisten.ThisguywassomekindofGod-likefiguretoherandshethoughtshe’d
understoodhimperfectlywell.”

Whileshetalks,otherphrasesfromthemedicalreportjumpoutatme:‘severeendofspectrum,’

‘intenselysensitivetorejection,’‘recklessimpulsivity,’‘inappropriateanger.’

IpinchthebridgeofmynoseandlookbackatHarriet.
“Ieventriedspeakingtoherdoctoraboutit,”shesays.“Butherefusedtodiscussthecasewithme.

Saiditwasconfidential.MomthoughtIwaswrongandwearguedaboutit.Alot.Butthatdoesn’tmeanit
waseasyforher.She’sspenthoursinthisroomstaringatthatphotoofyou,sobbingherheartout.”

Iputmyelbowsonmykneesandsinkmyheadintomyhands.
Harrietgetsonherknees,leansforwardintotheclosetandretrievesasimilarpatternedbox.I

assumeit’sgoingtobefullofoldphotos,butwhenshepopsthelidoff,Iseeit’sfullofenvelopes.None
ofthemappeartobesealed.Sheplucksoneout,slipsthecardoutofitssleeveandinspectsitbefore
placingitonmylap.

Ipickituphesitantlyandslidethecardout.‘HappyBirthdayDaughter,’iswrittenonthefrontin

silverembossedletters.Underneaththegreetingapuppyholdsapresentinhismouth,surroundedby
balloonsandstreamers.Iflipopenthecoverandseethehandwritingissmudged,thesameasonthe
medicalreport.Itakeadeepbreathandstarttoread.

‘Tomydarlingdaughter,Emily,onherthirteenthbirthday.I’msosorrywe’renotspendingthis

daytogether,butIhopeyou’rehappyandyourdadisspoilingyou.Iloveyoumorethanyoucould
everknow.Alwayshave,alwayswill,Momxxx”

Icloseitandshoveitbackinsidetheenvelope.Harrietretrievesanotheroneandputsitonmylap.
“No.”Ibrushitoffandstandup.“Ican’tdothis.”MyheadisthumpingandIcan’tmakesenseofmy

emotions.

WhatthehellwasRachelthinking?Itappearsbyleaving,she’storturedherselfjustasmuchas

shedidme.

“Okay,”Harrietsayssoftly,pickingthecardupoffthefloorandtuckingitbackinitsenvelope.“But

youneedtoknoweverythinginhereisaddressedtoyou.ThereareChristmas,EasterandBirthdaycards,
plusrandomlettersshe’swrittentoyouovertheyears.Whenyou’reready,youshouldreadthem.”

Ipressmylipstogetherandfightawaveofemotion.
“Pleasedon’thateher,Em.”
Ilookupattheceiling.“Idon’thateher.Ijustcan’tworkheroutwhathergameis.”
Harrietshrugs.“That’stheproblem.Neithercanshe.”

Chapter13

I’mputtingawayglasseswhenamiddle-agedmanapproachesthecounter.Hehasakindfaceanda

greybeardpepperedwithflecksofred.Helookspastme,towhereLoisisworking.Ifollowhisgazeand
seeshehasherbacktohim.

Iturntofacehimagain.“AreyouafterLois?”
“Icertainlyam.”Hisvoiceisgravellyanddistinctive.Onhearingit,Loisspinsaround,squealsand

springsoutfrombehindthecounter,straightintohisarms.

“Daddy,”shesays,buryingherfaceinhischest.
“Hey,pumpkin.”Heplantsakissonthetopofherhead.“I’vemissedyou.”
“Ican’tbelieveyou’reactuallyhere.”Shepeelsherselfawayfromthehugandgrabsholdofhis

hand.“Mydad,”shetellsme,beamingfromeartoear.“VisitingfromOhio.”

“Hi.”
“Goodtomeetyou.”Hiseyescrinkleasheholdshisotherhandouttowardsme.“Myname’sBrian,

buteveryonecallsmeRed.”

Iwipemyhandonmyapronbeforeshakinghishand.“Nicetomeetyou,Red.I’mEmily.”
“Ahh,Emily.”HistoneletsmeknowLoishasbeentalkingaboutme.“Ithoughtyoumustbethenew

colleaguefromacrossthepond.Howareyousettlingin?”

Ilookaroundthecafe.“Great.Ireallylikeithere.”
Henods.“Loisisalwaystellingmehowmuchshelovesworkinghere,andhowgreatthebossis.”
Loisrollshereyes.“Shutup,Dad.Idon’twantNatehearingandthinkingweactuallylikehim.”She

glancesatmeandwinksbeforeturningbacktohim.“CanIgetyouacoffeeorsomething?”

Helaughs.“No,no.Iknowyou’rebusybutIjustcouldn’twaittocomeinandsayhi.I’vegota

coupleoferrandstorunsoI’llattendtothoseandpopbacklater.Whattimedoesyourshiftend?”

Loislooksatherwatch.“Intwo-and-a-halfhours.”
Hesmiles.“Okay,kiddo,I’llbebackthen.”Hehugsheroncemoreandthengivesherhairaplayful

rufflebeforeheadingofftowardstheexit.

Loisiswearingawidesmileassheliftsthecounterandstepsbackintotheservingarea.“It’sso

greattoseehim,”shesays,tuggingherponytailbackintoplace.“I’vemissedhimsomuch.”

“Don’tyougettoseehimoftenthen?”Isay,collectingmoreglassesfromthedishwasher.
Sheshakesherhead.“Whenheandmymomgotdivorced,hemovedbacktoOhio,somysistersand

Idon’tgettoseehimasmuchaswe’dlike.”Shelookstowardsthedoor,raiseshereyebrowsandher
facebrightens.“Butwe’regoingtomakethemostofthetimewe’vegotwhilehe’shere.I’vegotnext
Mondayoff,someandDadaregoinghikinginthemountains.”

“Thatsoundslikefun.”Mymindflashesupanimageofmeonanadventurewithmyowndad.

WheneverRachelwasawayononeofhertrips,he’dtakemeandHarriettotheNewForest.We’dplay
hide-and-seekintheancientwoodlandsandpaddleinthebabblingstreams.TheyarethetimesI
rememberbeinghappiest.

SinceDaddiedIfindmyselfthinkingmoreandmoreofthefun-loving,energeticdadheusedtobe

andlessoftheshellofamanIlivedwithforthelastfewyears.

IrealiseLoishasstoppedspeaking.She’slookingatmewithapuzzledexpressionandIguessshe

musthaveaskedaquestion.

“Sorry,didyousaysomething?”Mypalmsfeelsweaty.Ilookatthemindisgustbeforewipingthem

acrossmyapron.

Shelaughs.“Isaidwhataboutyou?Areyouclosetoyourdad?”
“Uh....”I’mbreathingtoofastandit’sfartoohotinhere.
Don’tdothis,Emily.Nothere....

“Em?”
There’snotenoughairinthecafe.Eachbreathfeelslikeitstopsshortofmylungsandpinsand

needlesprickatmyfingers.IknowIcan’tstopwhat’sabouttohappen.

“Ineedtotakeabreak.”Igasp.
Lois’foreheadcreases.“Iseverythingokay?Youdon’tlooksogood.”
“Justaheadache.Ineedsomefreshair.”Ispinaroundbeforeshecansayanythingelseandhurry

throughthestoreroom,throwingthedooropenandrushingoutsideintothewarmair.Iletthedoorbang
behindmeasIdropdownontothebenchanddigmyfingersintothewoodenslats.Iputmyheadbetween
mykneesanddesperatelytrytoremembertheadvicemydoctorgavemebackinLondon.

Youjustneedtorelax.Slowyourbreathingdownandtakeapausebetweeneachbreath.
Ipressmylipstogetherandinhalethroughmynoseforacountoffive.Myheartisthumpingsohard

Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifitbrokethroughmyribsandlandedontheroad.Despitetheacheinmylungs,I
managetoholdontothebreathforacoupleofsecondsbeforelettingitgoinaraggedexhalation.

Comeon,Emily,youcandothis.
MyhandsshakeasIrepeatthepattern,inhalingthroughmynose,holdingontothebreathandthen

lettingitoutbeforedoingitagain,overandover.

Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Graduallythesoundofbloodpumpinginmyearsmeltsawayandalthoughmyheartisstillpounding,

it’snotasfranticasitwasacoupleofminutesago.

Isitupandstareoutacrosstheocean,swipingatthefat,saltytearsspillingdownmycheeks.
MydoctorthinksIhaveanxietyattacksbecauseoftheviolenceofthatawfulday.Post-traumatic

stressdisorder,shesaid.Shemightberight.ButIthinkit’smoretodowiththepanicIfeelwheneverit
hitsmeI’mnevergoingtoseemydadagain.Ican’tquitebelieveI’llneverseethosefamiliareyesorthat
bigcheesygrin….

Ifreezeatthesoundofthestoreroomdoorcreaking.
Ohno.Pleasedon’tcomeout,Lois.
Idipmyheadandrunfingertipsundermylashes,tryingtoremoveanytraceoftearsorsmudged

mascara.

“Emily?”
It’sNate’svoice.
Crap.
Hewalksover,sitsbesidemeonthebenchandletsoneofhislonglegsbrushagainstmine.He

doesn’tsayanythingelse,butIfeelhimwatchingme.

Iswallowacoupleoftimes,prayingmyvoicewillsoundnormal.ThenItakeadeepbreath,turnto

facehimandmanageacroaky,“Hello.”

“Hey.”Hisblueeyesarefilledwithconcernastheysearchmyface.“What’swrong?”
Ishakemyhead.“Nothing.I’mfine.”Mywordsspillouttoofasttosoundgenuine.Itrytorecover

thesituationbyforcingmylipsintoawobblysmile.“I’vejustgotabitofaheadache.That’sall.”

Heraisesawarmhandtomycheek,brushingawayafresh,traitoroustearwiththepadofhisthumb.

“Doyoualwayscrywhenyouhaveaheadache?”

Iclosemyeyesandsilentlywillhimtoleave.
“Pleasetellmewhat’sup.MaybeIcanhelp….”
Hecan’t.Nobodycan.Thedamageisdone.
Iwanttotellhimtostopbeingnicebecauseallthatwilldoistipmeovertheedgeagain.InsteadI

openmyeyes,stareaheadattheoceanandgiveasmallshakeofmyhead.

Hesighsbutthankfullyhedoesn’tpushitanyfurther.Insteadwesitsilentlyonthebench,thebreeze

playingwithmyhair,hislegstilltouchingmine.

OnceI’mconfidentI’mnotgoingtocryorhyperventilateagain,Igivemyeyesafinalwipeandturn

tohim.“I’mokaynow.”Inod,probablymoretoconvincemyselfthanhim.“ThanksforcomingtoseeifI
wasalright,Ireallyappreciateit,butnowIneedgetbackinsideandcarryonwhatIwasdoing.”

“Ihaveabetteridea,”hesays,standingup.“Comeon.”Stronghandsreachformineandhepullsme

intoastandingposition.“Losetheapronandlet’sgoforawalkonthebeach.Clearawaythatheadacheof
yours.”

Ishakemyhead.“Ireallyshouldn’t.Ineedtogetbackinsideandhelptheothers.”
Hesmiles.“Noneed.LoisandRileywillmanagefine.”
Ilookatthesurfcrashingontothebeachandpursemylips,blowingoutalong,deepbreath.
“Boss’sorders,”headds,tippinghisheadtooneside.
Isagindefeatbeforeuntyingthestrapsandliftingtheapronovermyhead.“Okay,”Isayquietly.“I

guessaquickstrollwouldclearmyhead.”

Natenods,asatisfiedsmileonhisface.“Aquickstrollitisthen.”
Hetakestheapronfrommeanddropsitontothebench.Thenwewalkside-by-sideacrosstheroad

towardsthegoldensand.

Thesunisbathingeverythinginitsglowbutrightnowthebeautyislostonme.AllInoticearespat-

outblobsofchewinggumonthesidewalkandascrunched-upfoodwrapper,probablyfromO’Shea’s
Place,lyinginthegutter.Natepicksitup,tightensitintoaballandlaunchesitintoatrashcanseveral
feetaway.

IstepontothesandandletNatewalkaheadwhileIextendalegtoflickoffmysandal.AsIdo,I

feelsomethingonthebackofmyleg.Itwistaroundandlookdownatmycroppedtrousers,butIdon’tsee
anything.Ishrugbeforekickingoffmyothershoeandsinkingmytoesintothewarmsand.Itakeafinal
sniff,givebothcheeksaquickwipeandthenstepupmypacetocatchupwithNatewhoisnowalmostat
thewater’sedge.

I’vealmostreachedhimwhenawoman’svoicestopsmeinmytracks.
“Excuseme.”
Ilookbacktoseewhoitis.Agrandmotherlytypewearingayellowt-shirtandmatchingshortsis

stridingtowardsmeholdingsomethingaloftbetweenthumbandforefinger.Herlipsarepressedtightly
together.

“Uh…areyoutalkingtome?”
Shedoesn’tanswer,butshedoesn’tneedto.It’sdefinitelymeshe’sheadingfor.
Nateappearsbymysidethesametimeshedrawslevel.
Shelooksmeupanddownandthenclearsherthroat.“Youdroppedtheseoverbytheroad.”She

thrustssomethingintomyhand.“Lordknowshow.”Shestepsbackandshakesherheaddisapprovingly
beforeturningonherheelandmarchingbacktowardsamanwaitingbytheroadside.

IglanceatNateandwrinklemynose.Hislipspullintoabemusedsmileashewatchestheretreating

lady.

“Whatwasthatallabout?”heasks.
Ishrugandopenmyhandtorevealwhatshegaveme.Andnowtheitemisn’tsoscrunchedup,Isee

whatitisimmediately.

“Oh,”Ibreathe,screwingthewhite,lacymaterialbackintomyhand.ItakeaquickpeekatNate,

prayinghedidn’tsee.

Hiseyesarewideashelooksfrommyhandtomyface.“Arethose...panties?”
Isqueezemyeyesclosed,ascarletrushofshameheatingmycheeks.

“Idon’tunderstand,”hesays.“Aretheyyours?”
Iopenoneeyeandmanageafeeblenod.
“Really?”Hiseyebrowspulltogetherbuthe’sgrinning.“Howdidshegetholdofthose?”
Mystomachmusclestighten.Crap.Crap.Crap.
“Idon’tknow…theymusthavegonethroughthewashtuckedinsidethese.”Itugthewaistbandof

mytrousers.“IguesstheyfelloutwhenIkickedmysandalsoffjustnow.”

Henods,attemptingaseriousexpression.“Well,that’sarelief.Iwasbeginningtowonderwhatkind

ofgirlyouare…Imean,Iinnocentlyinviteyouforawalkonthebeachandwithinminutesyourpanties
areoff.”

Istareathimopen-mouthed.
Hiseyesarebrimmingwithamusementandhisdimplesappear.
“Ohgetlost,Nate.”Istooptopickupaclumpofdampseaweedandlaunchitathishead.Heducks

anditnarrowlymisseshim.

“Ohman.”hegivesintoachuckle.“Thelookofdisapprovalonherface....”
Iputmyhandsonmyhipsandfrown.
“Andthewayshewasholdingthem....”Heturnshisnoseupashemimicsholdingsomething

betweenhisthumbandforefinger.“Itwasliketheywerecontaminatedorsomething.”

“Alright,Nate.Youcanstopgoingonaboutitnow.”Itrytoglareathim,butevenI’mstartingtosee

thefunnysidenow.

“Shecouldn’tgetawayfromusfastenough,”Hesays,hisfacecreasingasheholdsbackawaveof

laughter.“Ibetshe’sgoingstraighttochurchtoprayforyoursoul.”

Ipressthebackofmyhandtomymouthasagiggleescapes.
Nate’sshouldersshakeandthat’sallittakesformyowngigglestoescalateintofull-blownlaughter.

Infact,Ilaughsohardmybellystartstohurtandtearsspilldownmycheeks.Tearsofadifferentkindthis
time.

Thisiscrazy.Afewshortminutesago,IwasbesidemyselfwithsorrowandnowI’mlaughingso

hardmysidesfeellikethey’regoingtosplit.

EventuallyIreachthepointwhereIcan’tbearitanylonger.Idoubleover,putonehandonmy

stomachandraisetheother.“Nate,stop,”Igasp.“Ican’tbreathe.”

Hepresseshislipstogetherandraiseshiseyebrowsashedesperatelytriestostop.Turningfrom

me,helowershimselfontothesandandI’mgratefulwhenthesoundofhislaughterfadesintouneven
breaths.Iflopdownnexttohim,exhaustedbytherollercoasterrideofemotions.AcoupleoftimesIlook
athimbuthisfacescrewsupandheshakeshishead,andIhavetolookawaysowedon’tgobackto
squareone.

Iexpectguiltyfeelingstowashovermeanyminute.Surelyitcan’tberighttolaughsohardwhenmy

dad’sdeadandhismurdererisstillwalkingfree?ButdeepdownIknowDadwouldhatetoseetheshell
ofapersonI’vebecome;thekindofpersonheendedup.Hewouldwantmetograbhappinesswherever
andwheneverIcould.Iknowhewould.

IlookbackatNateandawellofgratitudebubblesinsidemychest.Evenifit’sjustforthisfleeting

moment,he’smademefeellightinside,andafterthepastsixmonths,thatfeelingisapowerfuldrug.

Hetwistsroundtofaceme,completelyunawareofthepowerfuleffecthe’shadonme.Hestudies

myfaceforamomentandhisexpressionturnsserious.“Iloveitwhenyousmile,Em.”Hereachesoutto
tuckastrandofhairbehindmyear.“Notoneofthosehalf-assed,just-for-showsmilesyousometimesdo.
Whenyousmilelikethis,ittakesmybreathaway.”

Iswallowhard,myskintinglingwherehejusttouchedme.
Hiseyeslingeronmineandhecloseshismouth,inhalingdeeply.I’mmesmerisedbyhischanging

expression,thewayhiseyesdarkenandhowhisjawmuscleflexesunderhisskin.

WearestaringateachotherandIdon’tknowhowtheatmospherebecamesochargedorwhyIcan’t

bringmyselftolookaway.

Hisgazeleavesmyeyesandtravelstomymouth.Iholdmybreathashestrokesthepadofhisthumb

alongmybottomlip,leavingatrailofheatbehind.Heappliesjustenoughpressuretopartitfrommytop
lip.

Hiseyesflickbacktomineandanunspokenquestionhangsbetweenus.MypulsequickensandI’m

overwhelmedbyapowerfulneedtofeelhislipsonmine.AllIhavetodoisleanforward,tiltmyheadto
theleft....

‘Whenheseesagirlhelikes,heturnsonthefullNateO’Sheacharm,getswhathewants,and

thenaboutaweeklaterhehasn’tgotthetimeofdayforher.’

IfreezeattheimpactofSasha’swords.
WhatthehellamIdoing?He’sfeedingmelinesandI’mfallingforthem.Ican’tbelieveI’mbeing

sogullible.

Isnapmyheadbackandalookofsurpriseflashesinhiseyes.
Ibethe’snotusedtogirlsresistingsuchawell-rehearsedseductiontechnique.
Idrawinmybottomlipanddragmyteethoverittryingtoerasethefeelofhistouch.
Hedoesn’tsayanything.Hejustlooksatmewithhiseyebrowspresseddown.
“Iuh...Ireallyshouldgetbacknowandhelptheothers.”Istandup,vigorouslybrushingthesand

frommylegs.“IguessI’llseeyoubackatthecafe.”

IstuffmyfeetintomysandalsandbeforehecanrespondIturnandmarchbackupthebeachtowards

O’Shea’sPlace.

Natedoesn’ttrytofollowandI’mglad.

Chapter14

Afterthebeachfiasco,workwasabitstrangetosaytheleast.Nateappearedbackatthecafeabout

twentyminutesafterIdid.Heactedcompletelynormal,asifwehadn’tjusthadthemostawkward
experienceever.HehadaquickconversationwithRileyaboutorderingsupplies,thenheaskedLois
aboutthecustomers’reactiontosomenewmenuitemshe’dintroduced,andbeforehedisappeared
upstairstotheoffice,hecameovertowhereIwaspreparingagreensaladandquietlyaskedifIwas
alright.

I’dlookedupandmethisconcernedgazeconfidently.“Yes,I’mfine.”Iwaspleasedhowbrightand

breezyI’dmanagedtosound.“Thanksforsuggestingthatwalk.Myheadachehascompletelygonenow.”
Itwasastupidthingtosay.WebothknewIneverhadaheadache.

Natenodded,butaconflictingfrowntoldmehethoughtitwasastupidthingtosaytoo.Thenhe

disappearedupstairstotheofficeandIdidn’tseehimfortherestoftheday.

WhenIarrivedatO’Shea’sPlacethismorning,RileytoldmeNateheadedoutearly–somemeeting

withthebankandthenalunchappointmentwithhisaccountant.WhenIfinishedforthedayashortwhile
ago,hestillhadn’tputinanappearance.Iknowhewouldn’thavestayedawayjustbecauseofme;that
wouldbecrazy.Butnotseeinghim;Ididn’tknowwhethertofeelrelievedordisappointed.

WhenIarrivehome,RachelandHarrietarebothinthekitchen.Thearomaofmeat,sizzlingonions,

tomatoandgarlicmakesmystomachrumble.RachelisstoodinfrontofthehobwithapanofBolognese
onthegoandapotofboilingwatersendingcurlsofsteamintotheatmosphere.Shewasagoodcook
whenshecouldbebothered.I’dforgotthat.Harrietissittingonabarstoolwithonelegtucked
underneathher,herthumbfuriouslyswipingonherphone.“Hey,Emily,”shesays,lookingup.

“Hi,honey.”Rachellooksupbrieflybeforedippingawoodenspoonintothepanandstirringthe

Bolognesemixture.“Howwasyourday?”

Sheseemsdifferenttoday.Iwonderifit’sbecauseshe’stakenhermedication,orifshenaturallyhas

goodandbaddays.

“Yeah,notbad.Howaboutyou?Howwasyourday…Mom?”Thewordfeelsstrangeonmylips

andithangsintheair.

Sheturnstofaceme,holdingthespoonaloft.Hereyebrowsareraisedandherlipsgraduallyease

intoasmile.“Uh…howwasmyday?Yeah.I-itwasgood,thanks.”

“So,wasitbusyinthesalon?”I’mtryingtoactlikewe’rejustanormalmotheranddaughterhaving

anormalconversationthewaynormalmothersanddaughtersdo.

“Yes.Yes,itwas.”Hereyeshavegoneallglittery.Thewayshe’slookingatme,you’dthinkI’djust

toldherIwaspregnantorsomething.

Inod.“That’sthebestway.Imuchpreferworkwhenit’sbusy….”I’mawareHarriet’sthumbhas

stoppedswipingandshe’ssilentlywatchingthepairofus.

“Itmakesthedaygosomuchquicker,Ifind.”TheharderItry,theclumsierIsound.Ijustcan’tseem

tohittherightnote.

Racheldoesafunnylittleshakeofherheadandthenherexpressiongoesbacktosomewherenear

normal.“So….”Shepressesherlittlefingertothecornersofhereyes.“How’slifeatthatcaféofyours?”
Sheputsthespoondownandplucksapacketofspaghettiofftheside,tippingsomeofthestrandsintothe
boilingwater.“Areyoustillenjoyingit?”

“Yes.It’sgreat.”WellIwasenjoyingituntilIstuffedupandmadeeverythingsoflipping

awkward.

“Youhaven’thadachangeofheartyetthen?”Sheusesapastaforktonudgetherestofthespaghetti

intothewater.

“Changeofheartaboutwhat?”
“Comingtojoinmeatthesalon….”Sheturnstolookatmewithherbrowfurrowed,likethatwas

suchanobviousquestion.

Ishakemyhead.“Thanks,butI’mhappyworkingatthecafé.IthinkI’lljuststaywhereIam.”
Shewavesthepastaforkintheair.“Butyou’dloveitatthesalon,Em.Iknowyouwould.Youcould

doprettymuchanyjobyouwanted;receptionist,nailtechnician,eyelashes.I’dtrainyouup.”

“Mom,”Harrietinterjects.“GiveEmilyabreak.Ifshewantstojoinyouatthesalon,sheknowsshe

onlyhastoask.”

Icringeinside,waitingforRachel-Momtoflyoffthehandle,butinsteadshejustpouts.“Okay.But

promiseme,youwillspeakupifyouchangeyourmind.”

“Iwill.Ipromise.”
Sheputsthepastaforkdownandstepscloser.Iholdmybreathasshetucksaloosestrandofhair

behindmyear.“Ijustwantyoutobehappy,honey.”

“Iknow.Thankyou.”
ShenodsandthenturnsherattentionbacktothebubblingpanofBolognese.
Harrietissmiling,obviouslypleasedwithourprogress.Sheputsherphonedownonthework

surfaceandstandsup,stretching.“Hey,Ijustthoughtofsomething.Doyoufancycomingtothesunset
beachpartytomorrownight,Em?”

“Oh,don’tyoustartaswell.Loishasn’tstoppedgoingonaboutitatwork.Ireallydon’tfancyit.”
Sheputsherhandstogetherinabegginggesture.“Comeon,Em.It’lldoyougood.Ifyou’renotsure,

howaboutyoujustagreetocomeforanhour?”Hereyesarehugeandpleading.

“Oh,Idon’tknow….”
Herexpressionissohopeful.AndIrememberthepromiseImadetomyselfabouttryingharderwith

Harriet.SoIknowI’mgoingtogivein.

“Onemeaslyhour,Em.That’sallI’masking.Ifyouhateit,I’llcomehomewithyou.Butifyoulove

it….”

Iraisemyhandsinsurrender.“Okay,okay.Justanhourthough.Andthereisno,‘ifIloveit.’Iwill

definitelybecominghomeafteronehour.

“Youwon’tregretit.”Sheleansacrossandgivesmeaquickhug.
IblowoutadeepbreathandprayNatewon’tbethere.Thatwouldmakethingssomuchworse.
MyphoneringsandIgrabit,retreatingintothesunroomforabitofprivacy.
“Hello.”
“Hello,isthisEmily?”ThevoiceismaleandtheaccentisBritish.Itsoundsfunnyafteracoupleof

weeksawayfromtheUK.Clippedandformal.ProbablyhowIsoundtoeveryonehere.

“Yes,thisisEmily.Whoisthis?”
“DIMartin…Frank.I’mcallinginrelationtoyourdad’scase.”
Myheartdoesafunnyflutterinmychest.“Okay….”Isinkdownontothesofa.
“Ineedtotouchbasewithyouregardingarecentdevelopment.”
“What’shappened?”
“Yourbankhasbeenintouchwithusregardingyouraccount….”
“Yes,theysaidtheyweregoingtocallyou.”InoticeMomandHarriethoveringinthedoorway.
“We’vebeeninvestigatingthefraudulentactivityontheaccountandweneedtoruleoutthatit’s

linkedtoyourdad’smurder.”

“What?”Ibreathe.“HowcanitbelinkedtoDad’smurder?”
“I’msorry,MissEverett.Ican’tgointodetailswithyouatthemoment.Canyouconfirmyou’restill

intheUnitedStates?”

“Yes.I’mstayingwithmymotherinCalifornia.”Ireelofftheaddresstohim.MomandHarriet

exchangeconfusedlooks.

“Okay.I’mgoingtogetintouchwiththelocalpoliceforceoverthereandshareourfindingswith

them.”

“Why?Canyoupleasetellmewhat’sgoingon?”
“We’restillestablishingsomeofthefacts,butsomeonefromlawenforcementlocaltoyouwillbein

touchwithmorenewssoon.Ipromise.”

HehangsupthecallandI’mleftshakingmyheadinbewilderment.
“Whowasthatonthephone?”Harrietasks,sittingdownnexttome.
“Uh…thatwasthedetectiveinchargeofDad’scase.Hesaidthere’dbeensomekindof

development.Butthenhewouldn’treallytellmewhatitwas.”

Harrietfrowns.
“Havetheyfinallygotasuspect?”Momasks.
Ishakemyhead.“No,butforsomereasonthey’repassingthecasedetailstothepoliceoverhere.”
Hereyeswiden.“Here?Whatonearthfor?”
Ishakemyhead.“Ihavenoidea.”
Shestraightensherspine.“Seemsoddtheywon’tshareanydetails.Idon’thaveanyfaiththeBritish

policeknowwhatthey’redoing.”Sheturnsonherheel,headsbackintothekitchenandgetsbackto
stirringtheBolognese.

Chapter15

AllIwanttodoislieonmybedandshuttheworldout.ButwithHarriet,LoisandRileyall

threateningtodragmetothepartyifIdon’tshowup,Iknowitwillbeeasiertogoforthepromisedone

hour,andgetitoveranddonewith.Butwhatthehelldoyouevenweartoasunsetbeachparty?

AftertakingashowerIsliponsomeunderwearbeforepullingoutacoupleofdrawersandsorting

throughthesmallcollectionoftops,skirtsandshortsIboughtwithme.TwominuteslaterIslamthe
drawersshutindefeatandflopdownonthebedwithagrunt.

“Nothingtowear,huh?”Harriethasappearedinmydoorway.She’swearingshortswhichhighlight

herridiculouslylonglegs;goodgenesfromMomthatbypassedme.She’steamedtheshortswithared
bandanatopshowingoffherflatstomachandbelly-piercing,abeige,sleevelessfringedcardiandshe’s
styledherhairintoanintricatebraidedtopknot.

“Youlookstunning,Harriet.”
Herfacelightsup.“Thankyou.”
Iscratchmyhead.“Ihavenoideawheretoevenstart.I’veneverbeentoabeachpartybefore.”
“Relax,Em.Anythinggoes.”Shegrins.“Comewithme,I’vegotloadsofstuffyoucanborrow.”
Iheavemyselfoffthebed,grabmylong-sleevedcardiandpullitonbeforefollowingHarrietacross

thelandingtoherroom.

Thesmellofhairsprayhangsheavyintheair.Therearehandbags,hairproductsandjewellery

scatteredalloverherunmadebedanditlookslikeshetriedonhalfherclosetbeforechuckingitonthe
floor.Onthedressingtableareabouttwentybottlesoflotionsandpotionsandanover-stuffedmake-up
bagsplittingattheseams.

Harrietbitesherlip.“Itdoesn’ttakelongtogetbackinamess,doesit?”
Ismile.“Iguessnot.”
“It’slikeadiseasewithme.”Shelaughs.“Ican’thelpit.Momkeepsahealthydistance.”
“Well,shealwayswasaneatfreak,wasn’tshe?‘Aplaceforeverythingandeverythinginits

place.’Isn’tthatwhatshealwaysusedtosay?”

“Yeah,wellshe’skindofgivenupsayingthattomenow.”Shepadsovertohercloset.“So...what

toweartoasunsetbeachparty?”Sheslidesopenthedoorsandriflesthroughafewitems.“Here.”She
slipsanitemoffahangerandthrowsitatme.“Thiswilllookperfectonyou.”

Icatchtheflimsymaterialandholdituptoexamineit.IthrowHarrietafrown.“It’ssee-through.”
“Iknow.Youwearitoveryourswimwear.”
Igiveitbacktoher.“Haveyougotsomethingabit…lessrevealing?”
Sheshakesherheadandhasanotherrummage.“Okay,howaboutthis?”Sheunhooksanotherdress

fromitshangerandthrowsitatme.

Icatchitandholditupright.It’spretty,reallypretty;jadematerialwithadarkgreypatternandthe

necklinehasabeadedembellishment.ButIcan’twearit.It’ssleeveless.Ipressmylipstogetherand
shakemyhead.“Notthisone,sorry.”

“Okaythen,”shesaysunderherbreath.“Dropitonthebed.I’llputitawaylater.Let’sfind

somethinganunwouldbehappytowear.”

Islidethedressbackontothehangerandwalkovertohangitup.
“Gotit.”Hertoneistriumphant.“Youhavetolikethisone.It’ssummeryandperfectforprudeswho

liketokeepitallunderwraps.”She’sholdingupapalepinksleevelessmaxidress.

Idon’ttakeitfromherandherfacepullsintoafrown.“Ohcomeon,Emily.What’syourproblem

withthisone?Don’tyoulikedressesorsomething?”

Ishakemyhead.“It’snotthat.”
Shetakesastepbackfromthecloset.“Wellyou’dbettergivemeaclue,orwe’llbehereallday.”
Ichewtheinsideofmycheek.“Idon’twantmyarmsonshow.”
“Whyonearthnot?”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Myscar.”
Hereyesflickdowntomyarm,butshecan’tseethescarbecauseofmycardi.“Really?Itbothers

youthatmuch?”

Inod.“Ihatethethoughtofpeopleseeingit.”
Harriet’sbrowspulltogetherandsheshakesherheadsoftly.“Youcan’tworryaboutwhatother

peoplethink.Youcan’tletitrulewhatyouwear.”

“I’djustprefersomethinglong-sleeved,ifyou’vegotanything....”
Sheignoresme.“Em,listentome.Youarebeautiful.Onestupidscardoesn’ttakethataway.”
Iforceasmile.“Thanksforsayingthat,butit’snotabouthowIlook.”Isigh.“Idon’twantpeopleto

seethescarbecausetheyalwayswanttoknowhowithappened.It’sjusteasierifIkeepitcoveredand
thenIdon’thavetotalkaboutit.”

Harriet’seyeshavegoneallshinyandsheblinkshard.
“Anyway,”Isay,tryingtobreakthelowmoodI’veintroduced.“Howaboutalong-sleeveddress?

Haveyougotoneofthose?”

Shestaresatmeforalongmoment.ShelookssosadIalmostfeeltheneedtograbthesee-through

dressandtellherI’moverit,andofcourseI’llwearit.Butthenshetakesadeepbreathandturnsbackto
thecloset.“Actually,Ihavesomethingthatwouldbeperfect.”Shescrapeshangersalongthemetalpole
untilshefindswhatshe’slookingfor.“Yes,”shehissesandliftsoutalong-sleevedtopinasoftmaterial
withabluebatikprint.“Youhavetolovethis.”

Ireachoutandtouchthesleeve.“It’sbeautiful.”
Sheslipsitoffthehangerandhandsittome.“Andit’lllookamazingonyou.”
Itakeadeepbreathandsmile.“Thankyou,Harriet.”
Shebendsdown,picksupapairofbeadedsandalsandthruststhemintomyhand.“We’reaboutthe

sameshoesize,aren’twe?”Thenshewalksovertoherdressingtableanduntanglesacoupleof
necklacesfromseveralothershangingoffhermirror.“You’llneedthesetoo.GoputitallonandthenI’ll
putsomewavesintoyourhair.”

“Ohno...remember,I’monlystayingforanhour.Youdon’tneedtogotoallthiseffort.”
“Iinsist,Em.It’stheleastIcando.”

Aboutforty-fiveminuteslaterHarriethasseentoitthatI’mdressed,accessorizedandspritzedwith

anorangeblossomandcedarwoodperfume.She’ssculptedloosewavesintomyhairandsprayedthemin
placebeforerearrangingandsprayingagain.Shegrabsmyhandandpullsmenexttoherinfrontofthe
mirror.

“Damn,Em.”Shejutsoutherhipandplacesahandonit.“Don’twelookhot?”
Idon’tsayanythingforamoment.I’mstaringintothemirrorwithmyjawdropped,barely

recognisingthegirlinfrontofme.Ineverwearthismuchmake-up,ever.Andasformyhair….Ifeellike
someonecompletelydifferent.Butthat’sagoodthingasfarasI’mconcerned.

“Thankyou,Harriet,”Ibreathe.
“Hey,noproblem.”Shestandsbehindmeandfiddleswithasectionofmyhair.Thenshesurprises

mebystoopingforwardandwrappingherarmsaroundme,restingherchinonmyshoulder.Shecatches
myeyeinthemirror.“Ilovedoingthissortofthing.Thisiswhatsistersaresupposedtodo,isn’tit?
We’vebeenmissingoutonthiskindofthingforwaytoolong.”

Iswallowhardandnod.
Shestraightensandturnsmetofaceher.Whenshespeaks,hervoiceisfirm.“Weneedtomakea

pact,youandme.Weneedtomakesurethatweneverallowanyonetosplitusupeveragain.”

Isqueezemylipsintoasmile.“Idon’tthinkthatwillbeaproblemnowwe’reolder.”
“Justpromiseme,”shesays,hertoneallserious.
“Okay,Ipromise.We’llneverletanyonesplitusupeveragain.”
Shenods.“You’dbetterberight.Icouldn’tbearitifIlostyouagain.”

Chapter16

BythetimeHarrietandIarriveatthebeachthesunissinkingintotheocean,itsfieryrayslightingup

theskyabovethehorizon.

Musicblaresoutfromasoundsystemoverbyaclumpofrocksandtwoguysstandnexttoitshouting

ateachotherastheytrytobeheardabovethenoise.Flamesdanceinfireringswhilegroupsofpeople
standbarefootaroundthem,balancinghotdogsanddrinksastheychatandgoofabout.Harrietwasright
aboutthedresscode.Somegirlsareinswimwear,somelooklikethey’regoingtoaclubwhileothersare
inshortsandhoodies.

Islipmysandalsoffandcarrythembythestrapsaswewalkpastafireringwithgrillson.The

smokyaromacomingfromthesizzlingribs,burgersandhotdogsmakesmymouthwater.

“Igotocollegewiththatlot,”Harrietsays,pointingjustahead.“Let’sgooverandsayhi.”Ifollow

hertoagroupofguys,allthewhilelookingoutforLoisandRiley.AndIcan’tdeny,I’mcurioustoseeif
Nateishere,too.

AssoonasthegroupspotHarrietapproaching,theystoptheirconversationandshoutoutgreetings,

clearlydelightedtoseeher.Harriettakesitinturnshugging,kissingandhigh-fivingthem.Whenshe
introducesme,everyoneisfriendlyandredplasticcupsarethrustintoourhands.“Buds,”oneoftheguys
informsus.

Theirconversationstartsupagain,revolvingaroundcollegeandIstandontheperiphery,half-

listeningwhilescanningthebeach.MyheartliftswhenIfinallyspotLoisstandingwithagroupofpeople
nexttoafireringoverbytherocks.I’mabouttotellHarrietI’mgoingovertoseeherbutoneofher
collegebuddiescomesandstandsinfrontofme.

“Heythere,Emily.I’mScott.”Hehaswild,curlyhair,apiercednoseandiswearingat-shirt

showingazombiewithoutstretchedarmsandthecaption,‘Zombiesjustwanthugs.’

Igivehimafriendlysmile.“Hi,Scott.”
“So,you’reHarriet’slittlesister….”Heraiseshisarmandtakesalongswigfromhisplasticcup.
“Yes,that’sme.”
“Andyou’renewtothearea,right?”
Inod.
Heturnshisheadtoletoutabeeryburpandthenpushesthebackofhishandtohismouth.“So,what

doyouthinkofitheresofar?Haveyoumanagedtotakeagoodlookaround?”

“Notreally.Apartfromthisbeach,Ihaven’tdoneanysightseeing.”Ismileapologetically.“Iguess

I’mstillgettingsettledin.”

Hechugsbacktherestofhisdrinkandcrushestheplasticcupinhishand.“Wellwecan’thavethat,

canwe?I’dbehappytotakeyououtandshowyouaround.TherearesomegreatplacesnearbyIcould
showyou....”

I’monlyvaguelylisteningbecausesomethinghascaughtmyattention;I’vespottedNate.He’s

wearingshortsand,likemostoftheguyshere,nothingonhistophalf.Thesunhasjustdippedbelowthe
horizonandthemoonlightgiveshisskinaluminousquality.

He’sdeepinconversationwithablondegirlinaturquoisebikinitopandabeigemini-skirt.She’s

leaningclosetohimwithherbacktomebutwhensheturnstothesidethere’snomistakingwhoitis;
Sasha.

Ofcourseitis.
ScottcoughsandIrealiseI’vebeenignoringhim.Iturnback.“Sorry…Ididn’tcatchwhatyoujust

said.”

Helaughs.“IwassayingI’dbehappytotakeyououtandshowyouthesightsaroundhere.Whatdo

youthink?Shallwesetsomethingup?”

Iopenandclosemymouth,tryingtothinkofanexcuse.I’mrelievedwhenHarrietturnsroundand

throwsanarmacrossScott’sshoulders.“Hey,Scottie,Ihopeyou’renotpesteringEmily.She’sonlyjust
gothere.”

Heshakeshishead.“I’mnotpesteringher.I’mjustbeingfriendly.”
“Good.”Sheturnshercupupsidedown,showingit’sempty.“Jayjustknockedmydrinkover.How

aboutyoubeasweetieandgetmearefill?”

HelooksbetweenmeandHarrietandthennodsobediently.“Yeah,sure.Icoulddowitharefill,

too.”Heturnstome.“Whataboutyou,Emily?ShallIgetyouone?”

Iraisemyfullcup,sloshingsomeoftheliquidovertheside.“No,I’mgood,thanks.”
Henodsandwalksacrosstoapicnictable.Ashecrouchesdown,thecrackofhisassappears

abovehisshorts.Harrietspotsitthesametimeasmeandwinks.“Scott’sharmless,”shewhispers.“He
canbeabitpersistentthough.”

“Maybenowwouldbeagoodtimetomakemygetaway.”
Herfacedrops.“Oh.Wherewillyougo?”
“I’vejustseenLoisoverthere.”Ipointtotherocks.“I’mgoingtogoandsayhi.”Someonegrabs

Harriet’sattentionsoIraisemyhandandthrowheraquickwave.Withmysandalsloopedthroughmy
fingers,IwrapmyarmsaroundmychestandhugmyselfasItrudgethroughthecoolsand,side-steppinga
coupleofenthusiasticdancersalongtheway.

TogettoLoisIhavetowalkpastNate.HeglancesupasIdrawnearsoIgivehimabriefsmilebutI

don’tbreakmystride.HeturnsbacktofaceSasha,butIfeelhiseyesfollowingme.

WhenLoisspotsme,shesqueals,hurryingoverontiptoeswithalittlebounceinherstep.She’s

wearinganadorablesleevelessdresswithaflowerprint.Itseemsoddtoseeheroutofherregular
uniformofblackshirt,blacktrousersandblackapron.

“Ididn’tthinkyou’dcome,”shesays,leaningintogivemeahug.
“Ididn’tthinkIhadachoice,”Isay,lettinghergoandwinking.
Shelaughs.“Actually,youdidn’t.”
“Iloveyourdress,Lois.”Ireachouttotouchthematerial.“Youlookreallypretty.”
“Thanks,”shesays,grinning.“I’mtryingtocatchacertainsomeone’seye.”
Inudgeherelbow.“WouldthatbeRiley?”
Herfingerfliesuptohermouthandshelooksbehindher.“Shh,he’llhearyou.”
IfollowhergazeandseeRileystandingafewfeetbehindus.Luckily,he’sengrossedina

conversationwiththeguynexttohimanddoesn’tappeartohaveheardanything.“Oh,God.I’msosorry,
Lois.”

Shelaughs.“Don’tbe.Atleasthemighthavegotthemessageifheheardyou.”
“So,haveyougotaplanfortonight?”Iask,dippingmyvoice.“Areyoufinallygoingtotellhimhow

youfeel?”

Shefrowns.“Ihonestlydon’tthinkIcan.Toomuchtimehaspassed….”
“Lois,youhavetoatleasttry.”
“Iknowyou’reright.”Sheturnstolookathimbriefly.“ButI’mnotmakinganypromises.Canwe

nottalkaboutitanymore?”

“Lois….”
“Lookatyou,”shesays,cuttingmeoff.“Howgorgeousdoyoulooktonight?”
Idon’tseeanypointinpushingherfurther,soIgowithherchangeofdirectionandlookdownatmy

outfit.“Thanks.Ifeelabitoverdressed.”

“No,silly.Youlookamazing….”

“Well,anygoodbitsaredowntoHarriet.Shehelpedmegetready.”
Sheshakesherhead.“Somepeoplecan’ttakeacompliment,canthey?”Sherollshereyesandgrabs

myhand.“Comehereandsayhitoeveryone.”Shepullsmeovertothegroupshewasjuststandingwith.

Rileybreaksofffromhisconversation,andwolf-whistles.“Wow,lookatyou,Em.”
Ilaugh,embarrassed.
RileyandLoisintroducemetotheothersinthegroup.AfewofthemIrecognisefromthecafé;

Marco,anoldschoolfriendofNateandRiley’s,PeteandMiawhoownthebeachhousenextdoorto
O’Shea’s,andthreeguyswhocomeinregularlyafterthey’vebeensurfing.Conversationspickupagain
andIhalf-listentooneaboutasurfingcompetitionfurtherupthecoast.Iglancetomyrightjustintimeto
seeSasharaiseahandandstrokethesideofNate’sface.Heputshishandontopofhers,holdsitinplace
forasecondandthengentlypullsitaway.It’ssuchasubtlemove,Ican’ttellwhetherhewasencouraging
herorbrushingheroff.

WhenIturnback,Loisflickshereyebrowsup.“She’sprettymuchgothimtrapped,hasn’tshe?”
Ismile,tryingtomaskthestupidpangofjealousyIfeel.“Ithinkhe’sokay.Hedoesn’tlooklikehe’s

tryingtoescape.”

“Heshould,”Rileysays,joininginourconversation.“Thisisallpartofhermatingritual.Youwatch

...anyminutenowshe’llleanforwardandrubtheirnosestogether.”

Loislaughs.
“Shewill,”hesays.“Andthenitwillbetoolateforhim.”

Iraiseaneyebrow.“How?”
“Becauserightafterthenose-rubbingroutine….”He’swarmingtohisthemenow.“Natewillbeso

entrancedhewon’tknowwhat’shappening.She’llhaveherwickedwaywithhimandthenit’stoolate.
He’llbedoomed.”

“Oh,whyisthat?”Isay,giggling.
“Becausethat’swhenshe’llcommittheblackwidowfinale.”
“Whatkillhimandtheneathim?”
“Yup.Well,asgoodas….”
“Ohyeah,”Loissays.“ThatwouldtotallybeSasha’sstyle.”
Ican’tresiststealinganotherglanceatNateandSasha.Herfaceisonlyinchesawayfromhisand

judgingbytheseriousexpressionsthey’rebothwearing,they’rehavingaprettyintenseconversation.

“Havethosetwoeverbeenanitem?”Iask,tryingtosoundcasual.
“NateandSasha?”Loisasks.
Inod.
“Why?You’renotjealous,areyou,Em?”
“No.Ofcoursenot.”Despitethecoolbreeze,mycheeksfeelhot.It’sprobablybecauseLoisand

Rileyarestudyingmesohard.God,Ihopehehasn’tmentionedourawkwardencounteronthebeachto
eitherofthem.

“No,Idon’tthinkthere’sanythinggoingonbetweenthem,”Rileysayseventually.“Nothowyou

mean,anyway.”HeexchangesalookwithLoisbeforeturningtome.“WhenNatewantedtobuythecafé,
itwasreallyrundown.Heknewhe’dhavetospendloadsofmoneyonitifhewantedtomakeita
success,sohestartedsearchingaroundforinvestors.Sashawasafriendofafriendandassoonasshe
heardhewaslookingforfunds,shegotherrichdaddytostumpupthecashandputforwardthewhole
amount.”

“Oh,well,thatwaslucky.”.
“Lucky?”Rileypullsaface.“Iwouldn’tcallitthat.She’sapainintheass.Sheswansaround

O’Shea’slikesheownstheplace.Don’ttellmeyouhaven’tnoticed.”

Ismile.“Yeah,Ididkindofgetthatimpression.”Ican’tpretendRiley’scontemptforSashadoesn’t

pleaseme.Ihopethatdoesn’tmakemeabadperson.

AKingsofLeontuneblastsoutfromthespeakersandLoisraisesherchin.“Yes!Ilovethis.Who’s

comingtodance?”

Acoupleofgirlspeelawayfromthegrouptojoinherandshereachesouttograbmyhand.“Come

on,Em.”

Ishakemyhead,laughing.“Ohno.Idon’tdance.”
“What?”
“Hurryup.”OneofthegirlsgrabsholdofLois’arm,sendingmostofherdrinkspillingontothe

sand.“Beforeitfinishes....”

“Em,”Loismouthsasshe’sdraggedoffbytheotherstowardsamakeshiftdancearea.Ijustsmile

sweetly,anddigmytoesintothecoolsand.

Rileydoesn’ttakehiseyesoffLoisuntilhebecomesawareofmewatchinghim.Wellthatanswers

thatquestion.

“What?”hesays,frowning.
Igrin.“Nothing.”Idon’tthinkLoisneedstoworryaboutbeinginthefriendzone.
“Hey.”
IjumpatthesoundofNate’svoicebehindme.He’sholdingabeerbottleinonehandandhistopin

theother

“Youguyshavingfun?”He’saddressingthewholecrowdstoodaroundthefirering.

There’sashiftamongthegroup,aspeoplealtertheirposition,anglingshouldersandheadstowards

Nate,likehe’sgravityorsomething.Severaloftheguysmovetowardshimanddothatmulti-step
handshakethingwhichconfusesthehelloutofme.Itmakesmegladpeopledon’twanttoshakemyhand.

IrealiseI’mstaringatNateanddragmyfocusaway,twistingtoseeifSashaisabouttojoinusas

well.Ilookfromthepointtheywerestandingrightovertothebarbecueareaandthepatchofsandwhere
Loisandtheothersare,butIcan’tseeheranywhere.

AfewminuteslaterNatefinishesaconversationwithMarcoandPeteandcomestostandnexttome

andRiley.

“Hey,bro,”Rileysays.“YouandSashaappearedtobegettingonwell.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Nateasks,takingaswigofhisbeer.
“FromwheremeandEmwerestandingitlookedlikeyoutwoweregettingprettycosyoverthere.”
Oh,fabulous!Thanksforincludingmeinthatstatement,Riley.
Nate’sbrowcreasesashislipstwistintoasmile.“Lookscanbedeceivingthen.”
“So,whatwasgoingonbetweenyoutwo?”
“Justtalkingaboutwork….”
“Didn’tlooklikethatfromhere.”Rileyraiseshisbottle.“Comeon,Nate.Telluswhatyouwere

reallytalkingabout.”

Natenarrowshiseyes.“What’sgotintoyou,Ry?I’lltellyouaboutittomorrow,nothere.”
Rileyshrugs.“Well,ifyou’renotgoingtoshareanyjuicydetails,I’mofftogetfood.Doyouguys

wantanything?”

Ishakemyhead.“Notforme,thanks.”
“Icoulddowithacarnivorefix,”Natesays.“Seeifthey’vegotanyburgersorhotdogsleft,will

you?”

Rileynodsandlimpsofftothebarbecuearea.
GoosebumpspopuponmyskinsoIwrapmyarmsaroundmyselftotryandwarmup.
Nateturnstowardsme,blockingusofffromtherestofthegroup.“Iwasn’tsureifyou’dshowup

tonight.I’mreallygladyoucame.”

“Uh…yeah.Metoo.”Ikeepmyeyesdown,watchingthegrainsofsandpushupbetweenmytoes.
Inmyperipheralvision,Iseehimflickouthist-shirtandthenpullitoverhishead,tuggingitdown

inonesmoothmovement.“Temperature’sdroppedabit;it’sthebreezecomingofftheocean.Areyou
warmenough?Icanpopovertothecaféandgetyouablanketifyoulike?”

Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mfine.Don’tworry.”
Ifeelhimwatchmeforalongmoment.“That’syourstandardanswertoeverything,isn’tit?”
Ilookup.“Huh?”
“Anytimeanyoneasksifyou’reokay,ortriestodoyouafavour,yousay‘No,I’mfine,’when

clearlyyou’renot.”

Ifrown.
“Iguessyoudon’tlikeacceptinghelpfrompeople.”
“IguessIneverreallythoughtaboutit.”Myvoicecomesoutsnippy.“Thereareworsetraits….”
“Hey,Ididn’tsayitwasabadthing.Iwasjustmakinganobservation.”
Isigh.“Iknow.It’sokay….”
Heraisesaneyebrow.“You’refine?”
Ilookathimforamoment.ThenIslidemyfootbackintomysandal.“Ineedtogoandfindmysister.

She’llthinkI’veabandonedher.”

“No,Em,don’tgo.”Hereachesoutandtakesholdofmyarm.“I’msorry.IpromiseI’llstopbeing

anass.”

IhearacoughandlookuptoseeRileyheadingbacktowardsus.IquicklysnatchmyarmfromNate.

“They’verunoutofburgersandhotdogs,”Rileysays,offeringNateasmallorangebag.“SoIgot

youthese,instead.”

Nate’sbrowcreases.“Whatarethey?”
“Cheeseballs.”
Natepullsaface.“Riley,youknowIhatecheeseballs.”Heripsopenthebag,pluckstwooutofthe

packetandpopstheminhismouth,stuffingthemlowinhischeeks.ThenheturnsbacktoRiley.“Hey....”
Hisvoicehasgonelowandhoarse.“Whatdamadderwidyou?”HeslapsRileyonbothcheeks.“Wadd
didIdoforyoutotreatmesodisrespectfully?”

PeoplearounduslaughbeforelaunchingintoGodfatherimpressionsoftheirown.Whilethey’re

busy,Nateturnsandcatchesmyeye.“I’msorry,”hemouths.

Igiveasmallnodtoacknowledgehisapology.
HestepscloserandtalksinalowvoicesoonlyIcanhear.“Em,IwashopingyouandIcouldhave

achataboutwhathappenedtheotherday…onthebeach.Ithinkweneedtocleartheair.”

Mystomachmusclestighten.Idon’twanttohavethatconversation.Ireallydon’t.ButIknowhe’s

right.IfIwanttocarryonworkingatthecaféandgetridoftheawkwardatmospherethat’sdescended
overus,weneedtodothis.

“Sure,”Isay,tryingmybesttosoundcasual.
Hiseyebrowspressdown.“I’msorryifImisreadthesigns.Ithoughtyoufeltthesameasme….”
“Youthoughtwrong,”Isay,cuttinghimoff.“IlikeworkingatO’Shea’sPlaceandIdon’twantthings

togetcomplicated.”

Hefrowns.“Iwasn’tplanningoncomplicated….”
“Nate,hookingupwithyourbossforaone-nightstandisalwaysgoingtobecomplicated.”
Helookstakenaback.“Whosaidanythingaboutonenight?”
DoeshereallythinkI’mthatnaive?
“Justcallitahunch.”
Hiseyesnarrowandheshakeshisheadsoftly.“Em,I’mnotinterestedinhavingaone-nightstand

withyou.”

“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyouwant,Nate.I’mnotlookingforanykindofrelationshipwithyou,

whetherit’sforonenightorsomethingabitlonger….”

HisfaceislitupbythefirelightandI’msurprisedtoseehurtreflectedinhiseyes.Againstmybetter

judgement,Ifeelbadforhim.

“Nate,ifyouknewwhatamessIwas....”
Hisexpressionturnsserious.“Iknowsomething’sgoingonwithyou,Em.Iwishyou’dtalktome

aboutit.”HeholdsmewithhiseyesbutIstaysilent.

WhenherealisesI’mnotabouttogivein,hesighs.“IknowIshouldprobablyleaveyoualone,butI

can’tstopthinkingaboutyou.”

Ibitemylipandlookawayfromhim.
“SomethinghappenedbackinLondon,didn’tit?Thereasonyoucamehere,itwasn’tjustabout

money,wasit?”

“Nate,Idon’twanttotalkabout….”
“Pleasejusttellmewhathappened?Ihatetryingtosecondguesseverything.Ionlywanttohelp.”
I’mtorn.I’mnotreadytotellhimwhathappened,butmaybeifIgivehimabriefextract,thenhe’ll

understandandstoppursuingme.Iblowoutalongbreathbeforemeetinghiseyes.“Okay,you’reright.
SomethingdidhappenbackinLondon.”

Henods,hisfaceexpectantashewaitsformetocarryon.
“Butyoucan’tmakeitright,Nate.Noonecan.”
“Whatwasit?”Hiseyesnarrow.“Didsomeonehurtyou?”

Someonegothurtmore.
TheinsideofmythroatfeelsstretchedandItakeapainfulswallow.“Abit.Itwasalongtimeago.”

WithoutthinkingItracethescarthroughthematerialofmysleeve.Toolate,InoticeNate’seyesfixonto
myarmandrealisewhatI’mdoing.Iquicklydropmyhanddown.

“Wait.”Somethinginhisexpressionchanges,likealightbulbgoingoffinhishead.“Thatscaron

yourarm….Inoticedittheotherday,inthecafé.Whatstruckmewashowyoureactedwhenyourealised
itwasonshow.”

Myheartbangsagainstmyribs.
Hestepscloser.“Em,hasthatscargotanythingtodowithwhathappenedinLondon?Whateverthis

isallabout?”

Ichewtheinsideofmycheekandgivehimthebriefestofnods.
HetakesholdofmyhandandbeforeIrealisewhathe’sdoing,he’sslidthesleeveuptowardsmy

elbow.Myeyesflicktotheangrylineandmystomachlurches.Theglowfromthefireismakingitshine
andstandoutmorethanever.

Heplacesafingeronthelowerendofthescarjustabovemywrist.“Whodidthis?”heasks,tracing

thewoundallthewayuptomyelbow.

Thebloodfreezesinmyveins.It’stoomuch.
“Nate,”Ibreathe.“Don’t.”
Hefrownsandreleasesmyarm.Itugthesleeveallthewaybackandovermyhand,graspingthe

materialinplacewithmyfingers.ThenIdragmyeyesbacktomeethis.He’sstillfrowningbuthestays
silent,waitingformetoenlightenhim.

“Idon’tlikepeopleseeingit,”Isay,desperatelytryingtothinkofagoodcoverstory.
Hereachesoutandtouchesthesideofmyface.“Whathappened,Em?”
I’velettoomuchslipandIknowhewon’tgiveupuntilItellhimthetruth.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
“BackinMarch….”Ipressmylipstogetherandinhale.“Someonecameintoourhousewitha

knife.”

Nate’seyestightenbuthestayssilent,givingmethespaceIneedtogetthewordsout.
Itakeanotherdeepbreath,fillingmylungsbeforethewordscomespillingout.“Iwasn’tsupposed

tobethere.Icamehomeearlyfromcollegewiththeflu.Icalledoutformydad,buthedidn’tanswersoI
walkedthroughtothelivingroomandfoundhim…onthesofa.He’dbeen….”MyvoicebreakssoI
clearmythroatandattemptthesentenceagain.“He’dbeenattacked.”

Nate’seyessearchmine.“Howbadwasit?”
Iopenmymouthtoformthewordsbuttheydon’tcomesoIpressmylipstogetherandshakemy

head.

Nate’seyeswiden.“Shit.”Hereachesoutandsqueezesmyhand.“Em,that’s….I’msosorry.”
Ipauseforamoment,tryingtofindmyvoiceagain.“Theattackerwasstillintheroom.Ididn’teven

realise....”

Helooksatmyarm.“Andthat’swhenhehurtyou,too?”
Inod.“Notintentionally.Hejustneededtogetpastmetoescape.”
Webothstandquietforamoment.Nate’sthumbisrubbingbackandforthacrossmyknuckles.
“So,thepersonwhodidthis?Isheinprisonnow?”
Ishakemyhead.“Sixmonthson,theystillhavenoideawhodidit.”Iforceanotherpainfulswallow.

Mymouthissodry.“Daddidn’thaveanyenemies.Hewasn’tthatkindofperson.”

Nateshakeshishead.“Idon’tknowwhattosay,Em.Foryoutowalkinandfindhimlikethat….”
See?Iknewhewouldn’tbeabletomakethisbetter.
“Itdidn’tseemrealatthetime.”Ilookupandgivehimasadsmile.“Itstilldoesn’t.”
Mysadnessisreflectedinhiseyes.ThisiswhatIwantedtoavoid.Idon’twanthispity.
Itakeinaraggedbreath,andconcentrateonhisthumbglidingovermyknuckles.
“Igooverwhathappenedinmyheadallthetime,wonderingifIcamehomeearlier,maybeIcould

havestoppedtheattack.OrevenifI’dgothelpforDadsooner,maybehecouldhavebeensaved….”I
lookupandwhisper,“IfeellikeIfailedhim.”

“No.”Nateshakeshisheadfirmly.“Don’tsaythat.Thepersonwiththeknifeistheonewhodidthis,

notyou.Ifyoustartthinkinglikethat,it’llscrewyouup.”

Asmall,sarcasticlaughspillsoutofme.“Toolateforthat.I’malreadyscrewedup.”Itakeanother

stepbackfromhim,creatingsomespace.“That’swhyyouneedtostopfeedingmetheselines.”

“Lines?”Hefrowns.“I’mnotfeedingyouanylines.”
“Look,Nate,youenjoybeingaroundme.Igetit.Ienjoybeingaroundyou.Butit’snotassimpleas

that.I’mnogoodforyou.Youshouldgoandfindsomeoneelseyouenjoybeingaroundwhoisn’tamess.”

Hisexpressionchangesandhelooksatmewiththisfierceintensity,asifnothingismoreimportant

thanme.“Youdon’tgetit,doyou?Ifitwasassimpleasjustenjoyingbeingaround

you,Iwouldleave

youalone.Ihonestlywould.Butit’ssomuchmorethanthat.”Herakesahandthroughhishair.“Open
youreyes,Em.I’mcrazyaboutyou.”

Ican’tlookathimanymore;thesincerityinhiseyesisconflictingwitheverythingIthoughtIknew

abouthim.Itearmygazefromhisandfocusonthemoon’sreflectiononthewaterinstead.

“Em.”Hehooksafingerundermychinandmakesmelookbackathim.“AllI’maskingforisa

chancetoshowyouwhatyoumeantome.”

Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Acooldripofwaterlandsonmyfaceandmakesmeflinch.Ilookaroundtoseewhereitcamefrom

andthenthere’sanotherdrip,andanother….

“Shit,”Ihearsomeonesay.“Rain.”
IlookbackatNate.“Ididn’tthinkitrainedinsouthernCalifornia….”
Hiseyesnarrowandheshakeshishead.“That’sallyou’vegottosay?”
Thedripsstarttofallharderuntiltherainistorrentialandpeoplearesquealingandpackingupcool

boxesandrugs.WithinsecondsI’mblowingdripsoffmynose,myhairhasstuckflattomyheadandIcan
tastehairspray.Idon’tevenwanttoknowwhat’shappenedtoallthemake-upHarrietappliedearlier.

Harriet.She’llbelookingforme.
“Nate,”Ishoutovertheroarofthedownpour.“Ineedtogo.”Iturntoheadawaybuthegrabshold

ofmyarm.“Wait.”Inthespaceofafewsecondshishairhasgoneallshiny,separatedbytherainwater.
“Comebacktothecafé.It’scloserthanyours.”

Iwipethewaterfrommyface.“Ican’t.HarrietwillwonderwhereIam.”
“Texther.Shecancometoo.”
Ihesitate,lookingfromNatetothechaosaroundus;peopleholdingrugsovertheirheads,bundling

uptheirbelongingsandrunningoffthebeach.

“Please,Em.”
Ican’tseeHarrietanywhere.Itakeadeepbreath,lookbackatNateandnod.Hegrabsmyhandand

werunupthebeach,overtheroadandthroughthedoorofthecafé.

Chapter17

It’sarelieftostepinsideoutoftherain.Someonehasalreadyputatoweldowninfrontofthe

doorwayandwestandonitforamoment,lettingthewaterdripoffus.

Thereareaboutadozenpeoplealreadyhere,takingrefugefromtheweather.Loisiswalkingaround

withapileofdrytowels,throwingthemouttoanyonewhoneedsone.

Itakeonefromheranddrymyhandsbeforesqueezingthedripsfrommyhair.ThenIslidemyphone

outofmypocket,relieveditstayeddry,andchecktoseeifHarriethastexted.Atthesametime,myphone
chimestoannounceshe’sjustsentone.

‘DryingoffatJay’s,overtheroadfromthebeach.Comeandjoinus.’
Underneathshe’saddedhisaddress.IquicklytapoutatexttoletherknowI’vealreadytakenshelter

atthecafé.

BythetimeIfinishmessingaboutwithmyphone,Rileyisstandinginfrontme,towelwrapped

aroundhisneck,holdingatrayofsteamingcoffees.Itakeoneoffhim,gratefullyhuggingthecupfor
warmth.

“ThankGodItookablanketwithme,”Loissays.“Mydresshardlygotwet.”
Ipeelmysaturatedtopawayfrommyskinandlaugh.“ShameIdidn’t.”
Natestepscloser,grippinghiscupbetweenbothhands.HetalksinhushedtonessoonlyIcanhear.

“Whydon’tyougoupstairsandtakeashower?”Hepausestorubdripsfromhisforehead.“Youcan
borrowsomeofmyclothes.They’llswampyou,butatleastthey’redry.”

Ishiftmyweightfromonefoottotheother.Aftertheconversationwe’vejusthad,Ishouldruna

mile.ButI’mwetthrough,goosebumpshavepoppeduponmyskinandthethoughtofawarmshoweris
tootempting.“Okay,”Isay,slidingmyfeetfrommywetsandalsandstandingbackonthetoweltodry
themoff.“Thatsoundslikeagoodidea.”

Nateglancesovertothestairs.“Upstairs,doorontheleft….”
Iknow.
Inod,andwiththetowelwrappedaroundmyshoulders,makemywayupstairs.
OnceI’matthetop,Itakeadeepbreathandpushopenthedoortohisapartment.It’sbiggerthanI

expected.Thelivingareahasasquashylookingsofaandarmchairbesidealowcoffeetablewithvarious
paperson.Beyondthat,there’sanopen-plankitchenarea,allwhitecabinetswithsteelappliances,and
thenahallwaywithtwodoorsleadingoff.ThefirstoneItryisacupboard,packedtothegunnelswith
boxes,booksandotherstuff.ThesecondoneisNate’sbedroom.Ihesitatebeforewalkingin.Itfeels
wrongcominginhere.Out-of-boundswrong.

Aking-sizebeddominatesthespaceandoverinthecornerisachairwithclothesslungoverthe

back.Asoftmaroonsweaterisamongthem.Ipullitoffandslingitovermyarm,decidingthat’swhatI’ll
putonaftermyshower.

Atthefootofthebedareseveralweightsofvaryingsizesandjustbeyond,acabinetiscrammed

withsports’trophiesandcolouredbeltsfromsometypeofmartialart.Inprideofplaceisaphotoofa
middle-agedwomanstoodinthemiddleofNate,Rileyandtwoothermen.Ipickituptoexaminethe
picturemoreclosely.ThewomanhasashblondehairandthetwomenIdon’trecognisehavedarkhair,
buttheyallhavethesameeyes.Itwouldn’ttakearocketscientisttoworkouttheotherpeopleinthis
photoareNate’smomandhisbrothers.Isettheframedowncarefullyandwalkthroughtotheattached
bathroom.

Insideit’sallwhitetiles,chromefittingsandgreyEgyptiancottontowels.Thecabinetdoorisajar

andIspotfivenewtoothbrushessittingontheshelf,stillintheirpackaging.Howmanyunexpected
visitorscanoneguyhave?

Shivering,Ipeeloffmywetclothes,wringthemoutandhangthemonthetowel-warmer.ThenIstep

intotheshowercubicle,slidetheglassdoorshutandturnthedialuntiljetsofhotwaterhitmefromall

directions.

IstandunderthestreamofwateranduseNate’sexpensive-smellingshowergelandwashmyhair

withanidenticalsmellingshampoo.Afterthebubbleswashaway,it’sawrenchtoturnthedialoffand
stoptheflowofwater.

Gentlysteaming,Igrabathick,fluffytoweloffthesideandroughlydrymyselfbeforesqueezingthe

waterfrommyhair.Istepbackintomyknickerswhichmercifullystayeddry,andpullonNate’ssweater,
inhalinghisscentasthesoftmaterialglidesovermyhead.

Ieasethedooropen,allowingsomeofthesteamtodisperseintothebedroom,then,squintinginto

themisted-upmirror,ItwistwetstrandsofhairintoamessyknotandsecurethemwiththebandIhadon
mywrist.

Iwipethemirrorwiththesleeveofthesweaterandleancloser,blinkingatmyreflection.Ilook

different.ThehauntedlookI’vebeencarryingaroundforthepastfewmonthsisfading.Mypasty
complexionhasbeenreplacedbyawarmhoneycolouranditmakesmyeyeslookbrighterandmyteeth
lookwhiter.

WhileI’mbusystudyingmyreflectionthedooratthefarsideofthebedroomcreaks.Icatchmy

breathandlookupthroughthemirror.

Nateisstandingoverbythebedroomdoor,lookinglikeheshouldbeonthefrontcoverofGQ

magazine.Hishairisstillshinyfromthedownpourandthebluet-shirthe’spulledonskimsoverhischest
andshoulders,highlightingthecontoursofhismuscles.Someoneelse’swordsfromthefirstnightIsaw
himfilterintomymind;drop-deadgorgeous.He’slookingmywaybuthedoesn’trealiseIcanseehim
throughthemirror.

Hestepsfullyintothebedroomandpresseshisbackagainstthedoor,closingitsoftlybehindhim.

Thenhestaysput,thumbshookedinhisbeltloops,backleaningagainstthewoodwhilehisgazeslowly
sweepsupthebackofme.There’ssomethingabouthisexpression;theintensityofhisgaze,thatmakesmy
stomachflip.

IknowIshoulddosomething.Slamthebathroomdoorshut.Pullonmyshorts.Tellhimtogetthe

helloutofhere.ButIdononeofthosethings.Ijuststandstill,captivated,asIwatchhimbackthroughthe
mirror.

Whenhiseyesmeetminehetenses,realisinghe’sbusted.Thenhislipsformthehintofasmileand

hepusheshimselfoffthedoor.

Isnapbacktomysenses.“Ah…haven’tyouheardofknocking?”Iforcemyvoicetostaylevel.
Hewalksacrossthebedroomandintothebathroom,stoppingdirectlybehindme.I’msoaffectedby

hisclosenessIhavetomakeaneffortjusttobreathe.

Hiseyesstayfixedtomineinthemirror.“Ifyouwantmetoleave,justsaythewordandI’llgo.”
Idon’tsayanything.Ijustpeerupathimfromundermylashes,tryingtoanticipatehisnextmove.
“Damn,”hesaysunderhisbreath.“Youhavenoideahowbeautifulyouare,doyou?”
Idrawinashakybreath.Partofmeisscaredhe’sgoingtotouchme.Andabiggerpartofmeis

terrifiedincasehedoesn’t.Iclosemyeyesforamoment,tryingtobreakwhateverspellhe’scastingover
me.IknowIshouldputastoptothis,butIcan’tbringmyselftotellhimtoleave.

Withtremblingfingers,Itugthebottomofthesweaterdowntowardsmythighs.“I…uh…Ineedto

finishgettingdressed.”

“Don’t,”hewhispers.
Iglanceathimthroughthemirror,buthe’snotmakingeyecontactanymore.Insteadhe’slooking

downatme,hisjawmuscleworking,causingtinymovementsunderhisskin.HeliftshisarmsandIfeel
theweightofhishandsonmyshoulders,histouchcausingtinyelectricshocksthroughthematerial.

Myresolveisplummetingdangerouslylow.“Nate,I’mnotsureaboutthis….”
“Thentellmetogo.”Hepausesforamoment,butwhenIdon’tsayanything,hishandsstartworking;

longfingersexpertlyreleasingthetensioninmymuscles.Myshouldersdropasmytraitorousbody
respondstohim.Iclosemyeyesandclenchmyjaw.IfIdon’tstophimnow,Ineverwill.Butit’snotthat
easy.I’msoridiculouslydrawntohim.

“Turnaround,Em.”Hisvoicehasgonedeepandhusky.
Ihesitate.Thisisthecrossroads;thepointIeithertellhimtogetlost,orturnaroundandfacehim,

knowingI’llbealostcause.

Iswallowhard.MylegswobblebeneathmeasIturnandfindmyselflookingstraightintohiscrystal

blueeyes.

Heholdsmygazeforafewsecondsbeforehiseyestraveldowntomymouth.IfeellikeI’minsome

kindofatranceasheplaceswarmhandsoneithersideofmyface,lowershismouthandbrushesmylips
withhisown,makingthemtingle.

Whenhestepsback,hiseyesburnintomine.“Staywithmetonight….”
Iclosemyeyes.WhatIneedtodoisshakemyhead.Pullbackfromhim.Sayno.ButI’mfeeling

reckless.

Ilookdirectlyintohiseyesandgivehimasmallnod.
There’safreshintensityinhiseyesashishandsslidedowntomyhips,pullingmybodyintohis.His

mouthmeetsmineandIsavoureverysensation,fromthewarmthofhislips,totheamountofpressurehe
applies.

Hegripsthehemofthesweater,hisfingersgrazingmysidesasheslowlydragsthematerialupmy

bodyandovermyhead.ThecoolairhitsmyskinandIinstinctivelyreachtoshieldmyscar.

“Don’t,Em.”Hisbrowcreases.Thenhiseyesslideovermeandhisexpressiondarkens.Icatchmy

breathashiswarmhandsglidebackdownmysides,heatingmyskinandsettingeverynerve-ending
alight.

I’veneverwantedanyoneasfiercelyasIwanthimrightnow.Ipushhistopupandplacemypalms

onhistorso,splayingmyfingersacrossrock-hardmusclesandwarmskin.Hiseyesmeetmineandhe
gripsthebottomofhist-shirt,slidingitoffinonemovement.

Adeepbreathescapesme.Hisbodyisevenbettercloseup;smooth,tannedandripped.Intimidating,

butinagoodway.Ipressmyfingeragainsthistattooandtracethepatternrunningdownhisside.Hisribs
expandashisbreathinggetsdeeper.Ipressmylipsagainsthisskinandbreatheinthewonderfulsmellof
him.ThenItiltmyfaceuptowardshis,desperatetofeelhismouthonmineagain.Heobliges,leaninginto
meandeverycellofmybodyfocussesonthepointwhereourlipstouch.

Allconsciousthoughtleavesme.I’mactingpurelyoninstinctasmyfingersfindhisbeltandunclasp

it,slidingitfromtheloopsinoneswiftmovement.ItmakesaloudcrackingnoiseandIfeelhimsmile
behindthekiss.Imovemyfingerstohiswaistbandandstarttounbuttonhim.Hishearthammersinside
hischestasmyfingersbrushagainsthimthroughthematerial.Hegruntsinappreciationbutthensteps
backandshakeshishead.“Notyet.”

Isnapoutofmytrance,terrifiedhe’sabouttoputanendtowhateverthisis.“Issomethingwrong?”
Hiseyessearchmine.“Areyousurethisiswhatyouwant?”He’sgivingmeanotherchancetoback

out.

IcatchmybreathasIlookathim.Heissoridiculouslyperfect.OfcoursethisiswhatIwant.
“Yes,”Iwhisper.
“Iwon’thurtyou,”hesays,holdingmygaze.
Idon’tcare.Idon’twanttothinkaboutwhathappensnext.AllIknowisthatIneedhimrightnow,in

thismoment.

“Nate….”
“Yes?”
“Stoptalking.”Iliftmyheadandsilencehimwithakiss.

Hesmilesandtugsmyelbowfromthesink,pullingmetheshortdistanceintothebedroomanddown

ontohisbed.Leaningoverme,hekissesmeintoasubmissivepositionuntilI’mlyingonmyback.His
mouthmovestomyearlobeandhetugsitgentlywithhisteeth.“I’vedreamedofthismomentsincethe
firsttimeIsawyou,”hewhispers,hisbreathhotonmyneck.“Andthere’snowaywe’rerushingit.”

Idrawinadeep,shiverybreath.
Hecloseshiseyesforamomentandthenhislipscurveintoadevilishsmile.Hoveringaboveme,he

nudgesmylegsapartwithhisknee.Thenhestartstrailingkissesdownmybody.Mystomachmuscles
trembleandgoosebumpspopuponmyfleshashismouthtravelslower,brushingmyskinsogentlyI
wonderifhe’seventouchingmeatall.

Chapter18

Theearlymorningsunsendsshardsoflightthroughtheblinds,pullingmefrommydreamless

slumber.Iinhalecontentedly,thewayyoudowhenyou’vehadaperfectnight’ssleepandwakeupwell-
rested.ButasItakeinmysurroundingsandrealisewhereIam,mystomachdoesasomersault.

IhadsexwithNatelastnight.Myboss.Whoisnowlyingnakedbesideme.
Oh,dearGod,Ican’tbelieveI’vebeensostupid.Isqueezemyeyesshuttryingtogetmyhead

aroundwhatI’vedone.LastnightwasbetterthanIcould’veimagined.Breathtakinginfact.

Butitwasamistake.
Howmanypeopletriedtowarnmethiswouldhappen?Ieitherlaughedatthemorgotannoyedwith

them,butintheendtheywererightandIsuccumbedtoNate’sbedlikealambtotheslaughter.

Well,ifIfounditawkwardbeingaroundNateafterthebeachincident,whatthehellarethingsgoing

tobelikeafterthis?

Ilookatmywatch.LoiswillbearrivingforworksoonandI’drathernotmeetherwhenI’mdoing

thewalkofshame.AndIhavenoideaifRiley’supyet,orifanyoneelsestayedlastnight.

IwanttoslipoutofbedsoIcanquietlygetdressedandmakemywayhome.Ineedtoshowerand

pullonsomecleanclothesbeforeIdareshowmyfacebackatthecafé.ButI’mnotgettingoutofhere
easily;Nate’sbreathsarecomingdeepandevensoI’mprettysurehe’sstillasleep,buteverytimeImake
evenatinymovement,hestirs,murmurssomethingincomprehensibleanddrawsmeintighter.Ishouldn’t
belyinghere,wrappedinhisarms.Thewarmthandcontentmentofbeingclosetohimismessingwithmy
head.

Iwrigglemyshouldersandslipoutfromhisembraceandthenholdmybreathashisbreathing

patternchanges.Hishairisallmessedupandcreasemarksfromthepillowareimprintedonthesideof
hisface,buthiseyesstayclosedasheturnsontohisotherside.

Islowlyfoldbackthesheet,climboutofbedandcreepintothebathroom.Myclothesaredryand

warmafterspendingthenightonthetowelwarmer.IpullthemonandthenquietlytiptoeoutofNate’s
apartment,ontothelanding.

Atthetopofthestairs,Istartle.Noisesarecomingfrombehindtheofficedoor,whereRiley’sroom

is.ThenIhearafamiliarlaughanddespitemyturmoil,Ismile.

Loisfinallygotherman.

Chapter19

IknowMomandHarrietwon’thaveworriedaboutme.ItextedthembothyesterdayeveningtosayI

wasspendingthenightatthecafé.Iblameditontherain–saidI’djustdriedoutanddidn’tfancygetting

soakedagain.AftersendingthemessageIturnedmyphoneoffbecauseIdidn’twanttogetintoa
discussionwiththemaboutit.

WhenIfinallygethome,Ipunchthecodeintothekeypadandpushopentheheavydoor.Harrietis

sittingonthebottomofthestairsputtingonhersneakers.

Herwholebodysagswhensheseesit’sme.“Em,I’vebeentryingtogetholdofyou.You’veignored

allmymessages.Iwasjustabouttocomeandseeyou.”

“Why?Todragmehome?”Irollmyeyes.“ForGod’ssake,I’meighteen,Harriet.”
Sheshakesherhead.“No.It’snotthat.Something’shappened.”Inoticeherfaceispinchedwith

worry.Ilookfromhertowardsthelivingarea.“Iseverythingokay?Where’sMom?”

“She’sfine.Sortof.She’satthepolicestation.”
“What’shappened?”
“It’sbeenanightmare.Detectivesturnedupatthecrackofdawnwithawarrant.They’veseizedall

Mom’spersonalfilesandemails.”

“What…why?”
“TheywereinterestedinhercommunicationwithMike.”
“Dad?”Thefloorfeelsunsteadybeneathmyfeet.Iwalkovertothearmchairandslumpdownintoit.

“Theydon’tthinkshehadanythingtodowithhismurder…dothey?”

Sheshakesherheadfiercely.“No,ofcoursetheydon’t.She’snotasuspect,Em.”
Ifeellightwithrelief.
“Butyou’llneverguesswhois.”
“They’vegotasuspect?”Ipullmychinback.“Whoisit?”
“Dominic.”
Dominic?IthinkImightthrowup.
Shenods.“Apparently,thepoliceturnedupathisofficeyesterdayafternoon,readhimhisrightsand

arrestedhiminfrontofallhisstaff.He’sincustodynow.”

“But...whatmadethemthinkhe’sgotanythingtodowithit?”
“Theyhadananonymoustip-offfromsomeone.AllegedlyhenevergotoverthefactMomwantedto

gobacktoMikeandhe’dbeenplanningtodosomethingforalongtime.Theywouldn’ttellusanything
else.”

I’mshaking.“WhywouldhekillDadforthat?Yousaidhewouldn’ttakeherback.Andanyway,that

wasallagesago.Itdoesn’tmakeanysense.”

Harrietslipsthethrowoffthebackofthechairandwrapsitaroundmyshoulders.“Whoknowswhy

anyonedoesanything,”shesayssoothingly.Shelowersherselfontothearmofmychair.“Dominic’sa
strangeguyandhe’scompletelyobsessedwithMom.Whobuystheirgirlfriendahouseandasalonjustso
theywon’tleavethem?Maybehefelthecouldn’tcompetewithMike,sohedecidedtogetridofthe
competitiononceandforall.”

IthinkofpoorDad.Surelyhewasn’tkilledforsomethingaspettyasDominic’sjealousy.“Idon’t

knowwhattothink,Harriet.Thequickertheygetaconviction,whetherit’sDominicorsomeoneelse,the
better.”

“Atleastthecaseismovingforwardnow,”shesays,leaningoverandrestingherheadonmy

shoulder.“We’llgetthroughthistogether,okay?”

Tearsarethreateningtofall.Ipressmyfingertothecornersofmyeyesandnod.
Wesittogetheronthesofaforawhile,Harrietstrokingmyarm,bothlostinourownthoughtsabout

theenormityofDominic’sarrest.Myheadisspinning.I’mflittingbetweenblindfuryatDominicforfirst
takingmymomawayandnow,quitepossibly,mydad,toremindingmyselfhecouldbecompletely
innocentandMomwasn’texactlydraggedawayfromDadinthefirstplace.

AfterawhileHarrietliftsherheadoffmyshoulderandstandsup.“Right,sittingaroundheremoping

won’tbringaconvictionforward,willit?I’mgoingtomakeusadrink.Doyouwantcoffee?Orhow
abouttea?”

Isniffandlookatmywatch.IreallyshouldgetshoweredandchangedsoIcanheadbacktoworkon

time,butI’minnorushtoseeNate.Besides,Ithinkhearingyourmom’sboyfriendhasbeenarrestedin
connectionwithyourdad’smurderqualifiesasaprettygoodreasontobelate.

“Acupofteawouldbegood.Thanks.”
Harrietgoesouttothekitchenandthesoundofmugsbangingonthesurfaceandteaspoonsclattering

filtersthrough.Afterfiveminutes,sheappearswithapotofteaandaplateofcookiesandputsthem
downonthelowtablebeforesittingbackonthesofawithherlegstuckedunderneathher.Sheplucksa
cookieoffthetrayandbitesintoit.“Howwasyournight?”sheasksthroughhermouthful.“Afterthe
party?”

“Abitmad.Loadsofpeoplecamebacktothecafétogetoutoftherain.”
Shelicksthecrumbsfromherlips.“Didtheyallstayover?”
“Well,Rileywasthere.AndNate,ofcourse.I’mnotsurewhattimetheothersleft.”
“Wheredidyousleep?”
IpausebeforeIanswer.“InNate’sroom.”
Sheraisesaneyebrow.“AndwherewasNate?”
“Inbed…withme.”
Shelooksupattheceilingbeforemeetingmyeyesagain.“Em,whatthehellwereyouthinking?”
“Oh,don’tstartactinglikeyou’remymother,Harriet.I’moldenoughtomakemyowndecisions….”
Whetherthey’regoodorbad.
“You’llendupgettingyourheartbroken.Idon’tunderstandwhyyouhadtorushintogoingtobed

withhim.”

WellIwishIhadn’t,butit’stoolatenow.
“Ididn’trushintoanything.”
“Em,he’sthefirstguyyousawwhenyougothere….”
Ileanforward,myhandhoveringoverthecookies.“You’remakingitsoundlikehe’sjustsome

randommanIpickedupoffthestreet.Idoworkwithhim,youknow.”

Iselectachocolatechipcookieandbiteinto,ignoringherdisapprovingglare.“Anyway,Idon’t

knowwhatyourissueis.Ithoughtyou’dbehappyformeafterallthecrapI’vebeenthroughthisyear.”

“Iamhappy.I’mhappybecauseyou’rehappy.ButIdon’twanttoseeyougethurt.You’re

vulnerable,Em.You’vebeenthroughalotandyouneedtostayawayfrompeoplewhomightnothave
yourbestinterestsatheart.”

Yeah…well,it’sprobablyabitlateforthat.
“What’sdoneisdone,”Isay,dunkingmycookieinmytea.
“I’mjustscaredyoumightbesettingyourselfuptobetakenadvantageof,that’sall.”
Ithrowmyhandsintheair,spreadingdropsofteafrommycookie.“Welldon’tbe.Icantakecareof

myself.What’stheworstthatcanhappen?”

Shefrowns.“Youmightfallinlovewithhim.It’sabadendingwhatevertheoutcome.”
Iwrinklemynose.“Idon’tseehow?”
Shesighs.“Ifhedoesn’tloveyouback,yougethurt.Andifhedoesloveyouback,thenwegethurt.”
Itiltmyface.“We?”
“MeandMom.We’veonlyjustgotyouback,Em.Ifyougofallinginlovewithsomeone,thenwe’ll

loseyoualloveragain.It’snotfair.”

“You’reworryingovernothing.MeandNate…we’renotanitem.Itwasaonenighthookup.That’s

all.Wegotcarriedawayintheheatofthemomentandifyoureallywanttoknow,I’mnotproudof
myself,okay?That’swhyI’dlikeyoutodropthesubject.”

Herfacesoftens.“Em….”
“I’malright,Harriet.I’mnotgoingtoshrivelanddiejustbecauseIsleptwithhim.”
Shepressesherlipsintoatightsmile.
“Andanyway,don’tbedaft;IfIdofallinlovewithsomeoneinthefuture,you’renotgoingtolose

me.I’mnotgoingtostopspendingtimewithyoujustbecauseofthat,amI?”

Sheshrugs.“Youmight.”
“Imadeyouapromise,remember?ImeantwhatIsaid.Noonewillstopusseeingeachother

again.”

Shesmiles.“IknowyouthinkI’moverreacting.It’sjustbecauseIdon’twanttoseeyougethurt.”
“Hey,don’tapologiseforlookingoutforme.Yes,it’sannoying.ButsecretlyIlovethatI’vegotmy

bigsisterbacktowatchoutforme.”

Shebitesherlipandnods.“Iloveyou,sis.”
Ismile.“Iloveyou,too.YoujustneedtotrustthatIcantakecareofmyself,okay?”

Chapter20

IhesitatebeforewalkingbackintoO’Shea’sPlace.ItextedNatetolethimknowIwasgoingtobe

late,explainingI’dhadtogohomeandfreshenup.Ihopedmytextwouldmakethingsalittleless
awkward.Breaktheiceabit.Herepliedwithtwowords,‘Noproblem.’

Shortandsweet.
Idon’tknowifthat’sagoodsignornot.
IwalkinandseeLoisbehindthecounter,busyservingacustomer.Thereareahandfulofcustomers

sittingatthetablesandtwomorewaitingtobeserved.Iflipupthecounter,pullonmyapronandplaster
onasmile.Showtime.

Mycustomerordersablackcoffee,soIwalkovertothebeast.
Loiswalksovertojoinme.“Iwaswonderingwhathappenedtoyou,”shewhispers.“Didyousleep

in?”

“Kindof.”Mycheeksfeelwarm.Ineedtochangethesubject.“What’sthatyou’vegotthere?”
Shelooksdownattheplateshe’sholding.“Oh…it’soneofthenewmenuitems;Briochewith

scrambledeggs,sharpcheddarandcrispybacon.”

“Itlooksdelicious.Imighthavetohaveoneformylunch.”
Ifinishpouringthecoffeeandtakeittomycustomer.ThenIturntoLois.“So,howwasyournight?”
Shebeamsfromear-to-ear.
“Oh,thatgood,huh?”
“Ididwhatyousaid,Em.ItoldhimhowIfeel.”
“And?”
“Hesaidhefeelsthesamewayandhe’dbeentryingtopluckupthecouragetotellmeforages.”
Igiveherawink.“So,youguysonlywastedtheoneyearthen.”
Shegrinsasshetakesanorderovertooneofthetables.
Igrabadampclothandabottleofantibacterialspraytostartwipingdownthetablesthathavebeen

usedthismorning,butthebottle’snearlyempty,soIgotothestoreroomtofetchanewone.

AsIcrouchdowntothebottomshelf,Ihearaclick.IturnandseeNatehasfollowedmeinandshut

thedoor.Hisexpressionishardtoread.

Ipickupthebottleofsprayandstraighten,forcingacasualtone.“Goodmorning,Nate.”
Hestudiesmyface.“Everythingokay?”
“Yes.Everything’sfine.”IcringewhenIhearmyselfsayingtheverywordsheribbedmeaboutlast

night.“Why’dyouask?”

Herunsahandthroughhishair.“Youleftwithoutsayinganythingthismorning.IwonderedifIdid

somethingwrong?”

“Youdidn’tdoanything.IdidtexttoletyouknowwhatIwasupto.Ihadtogohomeandget

changed.Iwouldhavecomebackabitearlier,butHarrietwaswaitingformewithsomeprettyheavy
news.”

Hedrawshischinback.“Whatwasit?”
Isigh.“Mymom’sboyfriendhasbeenarrestedinconnectionwithDad’smurder.”Sayingthewords

outloudmakesmystomachclench.

“Shit,Em.That’s…complicated.”
“Tellmeaboutit.Onsecondthoughts,don’t.Thenotknowingisdrivingmecrazy.I’mtryingtopush

italltothebackofmyminduntilwefindoutforsureifhe’sactuallyguilty.”

Heblowsoutadeepbreath.“Areyousureyoudon’twanttotalkaboutit?Itmighthelp….”
“I’mpositive.”
“Okay…youknowwhat’sbest.”Hetiltshisheadtooneside,asifhe’ssizingmeup.“Aslongas

we’reokay,youandme….”

Ibitemylip.“Nate,aboutlastnight….”
“ImeantwhatIsaid.Ithinktheworldofyou,Em.I’mnotinterestedinmessingyouaround.”
Myshouldersdrop.“Lastnightwasamistake.Itshouldneverhavehappened.”
Theskinaroundhiseyestightens.
“I’msorry,Nate.Iwanttodrawalineunderyouandmebeforethingsgoanyfurther.”
“Why?”
“Idon’twanttojeopardisemyjobhere.”
Heshakeshishead.“Thatwon’thappen….”
“Youdon’tunderstand.Cominghereismyescapefromallthecrapinmylife.IneedthisjobandI

needittobefreefromanymoredrama.”

“Butusbeingtogetherdoesn’thavetojeopardiseanything.Wecantakethingsslowly,onedayata

time….”

“Youcanonlyputalimitonyouractions,Nate,notyourfeelings.”
Helooksawayfromme,hisjawmuscleflexingunderhisskin.
Watchinghim,Ialmostfeelmyresolveslipping,butthenmythoughtsturntothewarningspeople

havegivenmeabouthim.Ithinkofthesparetoothbrushesinhisbathroomcabinetandofhowsmoothhis
seductiontechniqueis.AndIcan’tforgettheintimacyIsawbetweenhimandSashaonthebeach.

Iclearmythroat.“Nate,whatwereyoutalkingtoSashaaboutatthebeachparty?”
“What?”
“Youtwowerehavingaprettyintenseconversationthatnight.I’mcurioustoknowwhatitwas

about?”

“Uh…weweretalkingaboutwork.”
“Really?”
Henods.“IwastellingherIcouldpayofftheinvestment.”
I’msureface-strokingandpracticallysittingoneachotherisnotnormalforthesetypesof

conversations.

“Shewasn’thappyaboutit,”hesays,suckinginairoverhisteeth.“Shewantedthingstostayasthey

were,but….”Herunsahandthroughhishairinanirritatedmanner.“Em,whyarewetalkingabout
Sasha?”

Nomatterwhathesays,Iknowhe’llhurtmeifIlethimin.
“Itwon’tworkbetweenus,Nate.I’msorry,I’mnotreadyforarelationship.”

Hetakesastepcloser.“Em,I’mgladyoutoldmeaboutwhathappenedbackinLondon.Iwish,more

thananything,Icouldturntheclockbackandundowhatthatbastarddidtoyourdad.”Hiseyesflick
downtomyarm.“Andwhathedidtoyou.”

Ilookawaysohewon’tseethetearsspringtomyeyes.
“Lookatme,Em.”
MystomachtightensasIfacehimagain.
“Ican’ttakeitaway.Noonecan.”Hiseyessearchmine.
Ican’tspeak,soIjustshakemyhead.
“ButIcanbehereforyouwheneveritgetstoomuch.”
Ibitetheinsideofmycheektostopmyselffromfull-oncrying.
“Thatmonstertoreyourdadawayfromyou,Em.Pleasedon’tlethimtakeanythingelse.”
Ican’thandlemuchmoreofthis.Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroatandlockeyeswithhim.

“Please,Nate.Ineedyoutostophasslingme.”

Hurtflashesinhiseyes.“YouthinkI’mhasslingyou?”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Thatcameoutwrong.Ijustwantyoutoforgetabouttheideaofyouand

me.”

Helooksaway.
“I’msorry,Nate.”
“Yeah,wellI’msorry,too.I’msorryIhassledyou.I’llmakesureIleaveyoualonefromnowon.”
Ihatethathelookssosad.Myinstinctistoreachoutforhim,butIdon’twanttosendmixedsignals,

soIturnandreachforthedoorhandleinstead.Ipushthedooropenandstepoverthethreshold.

“Em….”
Ihesitatebeforeturningback.Hisexpressionhassoftenedandhe’sholdinghisarmsoutwithhis

palmsturnedup.“Iwon’tmakethingsawkwardforyou,Ipromise.You’reavaluedmemberofstaffand
I’dhatetoloseyou.”

“Thankyou,”Iwhisper,beforesteppingforwardandlettingthedoorclosebehindme.

Ifinishworkattwo,andeventhoughIwanttoknowhowMomgotonatthepolicestation,Ineedto

clearmyheadbeforefacingher.Istopoffatthebeach,peeloffmysandalsandnestlemyselfbetween
somerocksintheshade.Itakeaswigfrommybottleofwaterandpulloutmybook.AtleastI’mreading
again.SinceDaddied,I’vestruggledtogetinterestedinabook,butrecentlysomething’sclickedandI
canlosemyselfinastoryagain.

Chapter21

ImanagetobeatMomhome.Whensheeventuallygetsback,shelooksawful.Herfaceispale,her

eyesareallpuffyandshe’sgotacroakyvoice.

“Ican’tbelievetheythinkit’shim,”shesays,trance-like.“Domdidn’tdoit.Iknowhedidn’t.”
Harrietputsanarmaroundhershouldersandgentlysteershertothesofa.“Sitdown,Mom.”She

takesherkeysandpurseoffherandpopsthemonthelowtable,thenshebrushespastmetothekitchen
andpoursheraglassofwater.Idon’tmove.Ijuststandbythekitchenentrance,watching.

Harrietwalksbackthroughandplacestheglassonthetableinfrontofher.“Drinksomewater,it’ll

helpyourthroat.”Shesitsdownandturnssoshe’sfully-facingMom.

“Water?”Mom’sfacetwistsasshelooksatHarriet.“IthinkIneedsomethingstrongerthanthat.”
“Noyoudon’t,”Harrietsays.“Youneedtokeepaclearheadrightnow,Mom.”
IbracemyselfforMomtostarthavingagoatHarriet.Insteadshepushesherhairbackfromher

face,picksuptheglassandtakesalongsip.

“Sowhatarethecopssaying?”Harrietasks.“HavetheygotanykindofevidenceagainstDominic?”
“He…uh…theyfoundsomestuffonhislaptop…searchestheysaidhe’ddonebeforeMikewas

killed.”

“Whatkindofsearches?”
Herfacecreases.“Theysaidhe’dbeensearchingforahitmanintheUK.It’stotallyridiculousifyou

askme.Asifyou’djustgoogletheterm‘hireahitman’andanameandnumberwouldflashupwith
reviewsorsomething….”

“So,that’sit?That’salltheyfoundtoincriminatehim?Orwastheresomethingelse?”
Momfiddleswithabuttononhersalontunic.“Apparently,theyfoundsomepapershehadtucked

away…mapsoftheOakleyHillarea.”

Myskinprickles.That’swherewelived.
“Anythingelse?”Harrietasks.
“AndtheyfoundMike’sbankdetails.Idon’tknowwhyDominicwouldhavethem.Itdoesn’tmake

anysense.”

AninvoluntaryshivercreepsupmyspineandcatchesMom’sattention.Shelooksupwithnarrowed

eyes.“Iknowitlooksbad,Emily.Butitwasn’thim.”

Idon’tsayanything.Ijustlookaway.
“Itwasn’t.I’msureofit.”
“Whatabouthismotive?”Harrietasks,grabbingherattentionagain.“Didtheygiveyouanyidea

whytheythinkhemighthavewantedtokillMike?”

Shescratchesatherscalp.“TheysaidhefoundoutIwantedtogetbackwithMikeandtheythink

that’swhattippedhimovertheedge.Asifthat’sagoodenoughmotivetomurdersomeone.”

Harrietstrokesherarm.“Maybehewasmorejealousthanwethought?”
“No.That’snotit.There’snoway….IwantedtogetbackwithMikeyearsago,notlongafterwegot

here.Youknowthat.IfDominichadwantedMikedead,he’dhavedonesomethingaboutitatthetime.I
triedtotellthecops,butitdidn’tseemtomakeanydifference.Theyeitherdidn’tlistenortheydidn’t
care.”

“Ihopehe’snotguilty,”Harrietsays.“Buthopefullynowthepolicewilldotheirjobandfindout

onewayoranotherwhois.”

Momputsherheadinherhands.“Idon’tknowhowI’llcopeifhegetssenttoprison.We’ll

probablylosethehouse,thesalon,alloursecurity….”

HarrietputsherarmsaroundMom’sshoulderswhileshecries,butIcan’tlistentoanymore.Iturn

andheadquietlyforthestairs.

I’mnotsurehowmuchlongerIcanstaylivinghereifthisishowthingsaregoingtoplayout.IfMom

andIareondifferentsidesofthecase,Harrietwillbestuckinthemiddle,desperatelytryingtokeep
everyonehappy.Idon’twanttodothattoher.AndifDominicdoesturnouttobeguilty,IhopeMom
realisesthebiggerissueisthatDominickilledDad,notthatshemightloseherprecioushouseandsalon.

Chapter22

IheadoutforworkearlyonMondaymorning.LoisisoffhikingwithherdadsoIwanttomakesure

thecaféispreppedandreadytoopenintime.

Nomatterwhat’sgoingonathome,walkingalongthebeachalwaysmanagestoliftmyspirits.Ilove

seeingPercy,thechocolateLab,playinginthesurf.Ilovewatchingtheseagullsridingthethermals,andI
lovethesoundofthepowerfulwavescrashingontotheshore.ThefurtherawayfromhomeIget,theless

stressedIfeel.

Ijustwishthingsweren’tsoawkwardbetweenNateandme.
ButI’veonlygotmyselftoblameforthat….
O’Shea’sPlacestillmanagestoworkitsmagicanddistractmefromsomeofthenegativity.And

talkingofmagic,there’sbeenadefiniteshiftintheairbetweenLoisandRiley.Whenthey’reatopposite
endsofthecaféhecatcheshereye,justtosmile.Butwhenthey’reclose,asinwhentheywalkpasteach
other,hedoesn’tevenlookather.Insteadhetangleshisfingerswithhersforasplitsecondbefore
carryingonwithwhateverhe’sdoing.

Itmakesmesmile.I’mhappyforthemboth.Atleastloveisintheairfortwopeopleinthisplace.
Halfwaythroughthemorning,IheadintothestoreroomtofetchsomejarsofcoffeeandfindNate

andRileyalreadyinthere;itsoundslikethey’reinthemiddleofanargument.Itrytomindmyown
businessasIpickupthejars,butIcan’thelpoverhearingwhatthey’resaying.

“Youcan’tkeepdoingthis,”Rileyhisses.“It’snotgoodforbusiness.”
“It’snothurtinganyone,”Natesayscalmly.
“It’llputcustomersoff.”
Nowmyinterestispiqued.Itakemytime‘finding’thecoffeeflavoursIneed.
“That’stheirproblem.ThisismycaféandI’mnotgoingtostopjustbecauseitmightoffend

someone.”

“Can’tyoujustgivethemtake-outandsendthemontheirway.”
“No.Jesus,Riley,aseatatatablewithahotmealandadrinkisnotamassivesacrifice.”Withthat

hewalksoutofthestoreroomandthedoorslamsbehindhim.

Rileymutterssomethingunderhisbreath.
“Everythingokay?”Iask,hesitantly.
“Yeah,yeah.JustSaintNatetryingtoscaretheregularsaway.”
Tenminuteslater,RileyhandsmeatraywithatunameltandapotofteaonitandIfindoutexactly

what’sgoingon.

“Canyoutakethisoutsidetotableelevenplease.It’sforNate’sfriend.”
“Okay,”Isay,wonderingwhoI’mgoingtofindattableeleven.
Iwalkoutsidetothepatioarea,glancingattheoceanjustasasurfergetswipedoutbyahugewave.

Idon’tstopwatchingthatpatchofwateruntilIseehimbobuptothesurfaceagain.

Tableelevenisinthefarcorner.Seatedandfacingtheoceanisamanwholookstobeinhissixties,

withskinallleatheryandweatheredfromtoomuchtimeinthesun.He’salarminglythinwithstraggly
greyhairandhelookslikehecoulddowithagoodwash.ByhisfeetisalittlewhitedogIrecognise;
Oscarfromthebeachtheotherday.

WhenOscarseesme,herushesoverandjumpsup,unbalancingthetray.
“Oscar,”themanscolds,andthelittledogdutifullygoesbacktohisfeet.
Icarefullyplacethetrayinfrontofhim.“Hereyougo,”Isay,takingthecupandsauceroffand

placingthemonthetable.

“Thankyou,”hesays.“Ihaven’tseenyouherebefore.I’mRalph,what’syourname?”
“Heythere,Ralph.”Isaygivinghimasmile.“Myname’sEmily.”
Ralphlooksbetweenthetunameltandthepotofteasittingonthetray.“Wellthislooksgreat.”He

returnsmysmile,revealingamixtureofchipped,yellowandmissingteeth.

Itakethetunameltandanapkinoffthetrayandplacethemnexttohiscup,beforenudgingsome

smallpacketsandbottlesoutofthewaytomakeroomfortheteapot.Oncloserinspection,Iseethey’re
toiletries;alittlecompressedcanofdeodorant,atubeoftoothpaste,apackofwipes,andrightatthe
back,oneofthenewtoothbrushesfromNate’sbathroom.

Ralphcatchesmestudyingthem.“Yourbossrestoresmyfaithinhumanity,”hesays,lookingwistful.

“Nooneelsedoesthisforme.”HebreaksacorneroffthetunameltandthrowsitonthefloorforOscar.
“Emily,you’realuckyladyworkingforaguylikethat.He’soneofthebest.”

Isqueezemylipsintoasmile,doingmybesttoignoreapangofguiltforjudgingNateaboutthe

toothbrushes.

Afterthelunchtimerush,IbusymyselfservingcoffeeandcaketosomeCanadiantourists,andthen

stopbytablefivetochatwithagroupofregularswhocallthemselvesthemerrywidows.WhileI’m
listeningtooneofthemtellmeaboutaCaribbeancruiseshe’sbooked,Rileywalksoverandhandsme
someletters.“CouldyoutakethepostuptoNate,Em?Savemypoorknee.”

Myheartsinks.“Ofcourse.”
Iexcusemyselffromtheconversationandheadupstairs.
Nate’sintheoffice,satbehindthePC,totallyengrossedinwhatever’sdisplayedonthescreen.
“Hey.”Hedoesn’tevenlookatme.
Iwavethelettersinmyhand.“Justbringingyouthepost.”Isetthemdowninfrontofhimandthen

gotobackoutoftheroom,butsomethingaboutthewayhe’sglaringatthescreenmakesmepause.

“Uh…Nate,iseverythingokay?”
Hebrieflyliftshiseyestomeetmine.“Notreally.Comeandseewhatyoumakeofthis.”
IpullafaceasIwalkroundtojoinhimontheothersideofthedesk.
Hetapsthescreen.“IgotatipoffwehadsomebadreviewsonTripAdvisor.I’mjustcheckingthem

outtoseewhatpeoplearesayingaboutus.”

“Oh.”
TheTripAdvisorpageforO’Shea’sPlaceisdisplayedandseveralheadingsscreamoutatme;‘DO

NOTEATHERE!’‘Dirtyestablishmentandhorriblefood!’‘TOOEXPENSIVE!’‘Coldandunfriendly
servers!’

“Shit,”Natesaysunderhisbreath.“It’sworsethanIthought.”Heopensthetopreviewandreadsit

outloud.

“IeatoutalotandO’Shea’sPlaceiseasilytheworstplaceI’vebeen!It’stiredanddirtyandthe

wholeplaceneedsarefurb.Theserversarerudeandthefoodisoverpriced!IorderedSaladNicoise
andwhenitwasserved,theeggshadtheconstitutionofrubbery,reheatedeggsandthesaladwas
brownandwilting.Totopitoff,thecoffeewasdisgustingandservedinalarge,dirtychippedcup!
Avoid.Avoid.Avoid.”

“Shit,”hesaysagain.
“Noneofit’strue,”IlookatNate.“It’satotalfabrication.Wedon’tevenservesaladNicoise.”
Hedoesn’tsayanything.Hisjawsetstightashepullsupthereviewunderneathandwereadit

togetherinsilence.

IhadhighhopesforO’Shea’sPlace–it’sinagreatlocationrightnexttotheocean.Butthat’sthe

onlypositivethingIcanfindtosayaboutit!AssoonasIsteppedinsidetheplaceIgotabadfeeling-
howIwishI’dlistenedtomyinnerintuition.Thestaffwerehorrible,unwelcomingandlazy.Thetables
hadn’tbeenwipeddownandthecutleryandplatesstillhadfooddriedonfromthelastcustomers.It
wasdisgusting!Whenthefoodarrived,itwasobviousithadbeenreheated.Itwasdryandhadno
flavoratall.Takemyadviceandstayawayfromthisplace.

Myheartsinks.It’sevenmoredamningthanthefirstone.
Hegoestoclickonanotherone.“Waitaminute,”Isay.“Look.”Itapthescreeninseveralplaces,

justundertheheadings.“AllthereviewsonthispagewereleftlastSaturday.”

Natefrownsandclicksonthenextpage.Anotherscreenofone-starreviewsdisplays.Allleftonthe

sameday.Heclicksonthenextbuttontoopenathirdpage.Atthetopareseveralmoreone-starreviews
fromSaturday,butthenhalfwaydownafive-starreviewfromthreeweeksagobreaksthetrend.The
heading,‘Greatfood,funatmosphereandbestcoffeeformiles,’makesmyheartlift.Natescansthrough

theremainingtwenty-threereviews,andapartfromonethree-starreview(littlegem,buttheydon’tserve
alcohol)therestareallfourorfivestars.

“It’sobviousthen.Someone’sdeliberatelytryingtosabotageO’Shea’sPlace.”Iturntofacehim.

“Haveyougotanyideawhoitmightbe?”

Hefrowns.“Ihopeit’snotSasha.”
“WhydoyouthinkitcouldbeSasha?”
Helooksup.“DoyouremembermetellingyouIwasgoingtopayherinvestmentbackearlyandshe

wasn’thappyaboutit?”

Vaguely.“Doyoureallythinkshewouldstoopthatlow?”
“Ihavenoidea.”Heleansforward,turnsoffthescreenandstandsup.“ButIintendtofindout.I

havetogettothebottomofthis.”

RileyandIareonedgeallafternoon,waitingforNatetogetbackfromhisconfrontationwithSasha.
Whenheentersthecafe,hisexpressionishardtoread.
“Well?How’ditgo?”Rileyasks.
Nateshrugs.“Shesaysitwasn’ther.”
Rileylaughs.“Ofcourseshedid.She’snotgoingtoadmittoitstraightaway,isshe?”
Nateflipsthecounterupandwalksthroughtojoinus.“Idon’tknowwhattothink.Shedidn’treact

howIthoughtshewould.”Hemovesacrosstothebeastandstartspressingbuttons.“I’mnotstupid.”He
directshiscommenttoRiley.“Iexpectedhertodenyit.ButwhenIturnedup,sheseemedgenuinely
pleasedtoseeme.Itjustfeltodd.Ifshe’dleftthosereviews,sheshould’vebeenreadyforabattle.
Insteadofbitingback,shejustgotreallyupset.”

“Doesn’tmeanshe’snotguilty,bro.”
“Itoldherifitwasher,sheneedstoownupbecauseIintendgettingtothebottomofit.”Herakesa

handthroughhishair.“ItoldherI’dforgiveherifsheadmitteditthereandthen.”

“Whatdidshesaytothat?”Iask.
Natelooksatmeandshakeshishead.“Sheburstintotears.ShesaidifIthoughtshewascapableof

doingthatsortofthing,Ididn’tknowherverywell.”

“So,”Rileysays.“She’seitherinnocent,orshe’safuckingawesomeactor.”

Chapter23

MyphoneringsearlyTuesdaymorning,pullingmefrommysleep.Isnapitupfromthebedside

table.“Hello,”Icroak.

“Hi.IsthisEmilyEverett?”
“Yep.Who’sthis?”
“DetectiveRamirez.I’vebeenliaisingwiththeBritishpoliceandyourbankfrauddepartment.CanI

meetyouforcoffeesomewhere?Weneedtohavealittlechat.”

I’malreadyoutofbedandheadingfortheshower.
OnehourlaterI’msittingonthepatioatO’Shea’sPlacewithDetectiveRamirez,whohappenstobe

oneofthefewmenwhoareshorterthanme.Hehasdarkhairwithspecksofgreyandintensebrowneyes.

Loisplacestwocoffeesinfrontofus,andasmokedbaconandeggbagelforthedetective.Thenshe

offersmeasmileofencouragementbeforeretreating.

“Thanksformeetingupwithmeatshortnotice,MissEverett.”DIRamirezsays,takingahugebiteof

hisbagelanddribblingyolkdownhischin.“Ineededtoseeyoutogetafewthingsstraight.”

“Noproblem.Fireaway.”

Hepicksuphisnapkinanddabsathischin.“So,you’reawarewehaveDominicWrightin

custody….”

Inod.“Doyouthinkhe’sguilty?”
HetakesanotherbiteandwhileIwaitforhimtofinishhismouthful,Istudyhisfaceforclues.
“There’snotenoughtogetaconvictionyet.Wehaveamotiveandcircumstantialevidence,but

we’restillexploringafewleadsandcheckingourfacts.I’mnotinapositiontotellyouanymoreright
now.ThereasonIwantedtomeetupwithyoutodaywastospeakaboutyourbankaccount,actually.”

“Oh?”
Hebrusheshishandstogetherandthenpicksuphiscup,takingaslurpofcoffee.“I’vebeenliaising

withaMrPetersonfromyourbank’sfrauddepartment.AfterarequestfromtheBritishpolice,histeam
havebeenmonitoringyourbankaccount.”

“Yes,Iknow.”
Hetakesanotherswigofhisdrink,andIballmyhandintoafistonmylap,desperateforhimto

carryon.

“MrPetersonrecordedthelastconversationhehadwithyou,andyouclearlysaidthatyouhadn’t

touchedyouraccountformonths.Doyouremembersayingthat?”

Inod.
“So,canyouconfirmsomethingforme?Haveyoutriedtoaccessyouraccountonanyoccasionsince

you’vebeenhereintheUnitedStates.”

Ishakemyhead.“No.Ihaven’tbeenhereverylong,andlikeIsaid,Ihaven’taccessedmyaccount

formonths.”

Hefrowns.“Ineedyoutothinkrealhardaboutthatstatement.It’simportant.Doyouthinkmaybeyou

could’veaccessedyouraccountandthenforgottenaboutit?Imean,youmust’veneededmoneyatsome
point.”

“No,I’mnotmistaken.Therewould’vebeennexttonomoneycomingintothataccount.Mymom

paidformyplaneticketstocomeover,andIsoldoffallmydad’sfurnitureandbelongingssoIhadcash
tobringwithme.ThenIfoundajobrightafterIgothere,soIhaven’ttriedtoaccessthataccountatall.”

Hesqueezeshislipstogetherandinhales.“Okay.Ihaveanotherquestion.Haveyouvisitedthe

librarysinceyou’vebeenhere?”

“Thelibrary?”Ishakemyhead.“No,it’sonmytodolist,butIhaven’thadachanceyet.”
“Okay,”hesays,pickinguptheremainderofhisbagelandpushingthewholelotinhismouth.
ItapmyfootonthefloorwhileIwaitforhimtostarttalkingagain.Hewipeshischinwiththe

napkinandthenlooksbackatme.“Thebanksayssomeonetriedtoaccessyouraccountaboutaweekago,
andtheytrackeddowntheIPaddressofthecomputerused.”

Hepicksuphiscoffeecup,drainsthecontentsandthenleansbackinhischair.“ThatIPaddressis

fromacomputerhereintheUS.”

“Here?”
Henods.“Justafewminutesfromhere,actually;thePublicLibrary.”
Myeyeswiden.
“So,ifyou’reabsolutelysureitwasn’tyou,Ineedtoknowwhoyou’vesharedyouraccountdetails

with.”

“Noone.”
“IsthereanywayDominiccould’vegotholdofthem?”
“No.I’veonlymethimbriefly….”MyvoicedriftsasI’mhitwiththememoryofmybagfallingover

andspillingitscontentswhenIfoundthebutterflybroochfromDad.Ithoughtitwasoddatthetime
becauseIalways,always,leavemybagzippedup.ButIwassochuffedaboutfindingthebrooch,that
smalldetailfadedintothebackground.Theeveningbefore,HarrietwasoutandMomcameuptomy

roomtobegmetogoandsayhitoDominic.Thatmeanshewould’vebeenaloneinthekitchenwithmy
bag.

“Emily?”
Ishakemyhead.“Idon’tknow…maybehegotholdofthemsomehow.Butitdoesn’tmakesense.

Dominic’sarichman.IcameoverherebecauseIcouldn’tsupportmyselfbackhome,sowhywould
Dominicbeinterestedinabankaccountwithnexttonomoneyinit?”

“Iknow.Itdoesn’tmakemuchsensetomeeither.Butthefactsarehe,orsomeoneelse,hasmanaged

togetholdofyourbankdetails,andtappedintoyouraccountonlyafewmilesfromhere.”

Chapter24

Thesunstreamsinthroughthecaféwindowsandthesmellofcoffeehangsintheair.Rileysings

alongtotheGooGooDollsashefixescoffeesfromthebeast,Loisisbusyputtingsauces,napkinsand
condimentsonthetablesandI’mstoodatthecounterslicingcheesereadyforthebreakfastbagels.

It’snotlongbeforeIhearNate’sfootstepsonthestairs.Hisfaceisstillflushedfromhisearly

morningrunandhishairisdampfromtheshower.

ItannoysmehowIstillgetbutterflieswheneverIlookathim.
He’sbeentruetohiswordaboutleavingmealone.Wheneverwetalk,it’sstrictlylimitedtowork,

discussingorders,stockandhygienetraining.ButtherearetimeswhenIcatchhimwatchingme;whenhe
leavesitafractiontoolongbeforelookingaway,andIwonderifI’mbeingunfairtohimbyworkinghere.

“AnyresponsefromTripAdvisoronthosereviewsyet?”Rileyasksasheslidesacoffeeinfrontof

Nate.

Nateshakeshishead.“No.Nothingyet.Theupsideisourregularshavebeenbusyleavingglowing

reviews,sothenegativeoneshavebeenprettymuchburied.”

“Awesome,”Rileysays.“IwaschattingwithPeteandMarcoyesterdayandtheywerefuriousabout

it.Theysaidtheyweregoingtoleavesomehonestfive-starreviews.Iguesswordgotoutandother
customersdidthesame.”

Thepeaceisdisturbedwhenthefrontdoorfliesopenwithsuchferocity,thebellnearlyfliesoffits

mount.IsnapmyheaduptoseeHarrietstridingtowardsuswithhercheeksallredandherhairflying
behindher.

“Harriet?”Iabandonthecheesegrater.“What’sgoingon?Iseverythingokay?”
Sheshakesherhead,frowning.
I’mawareofNatemovingclosertomysideasshereachesthecounter.
“IsitMom?”
“No,she’sfine.”
“What’shappenedthen?Tellme.”
“It’sDominic,”shesaysthroughgrittedteeth.“He’soutofjail.HejustphonedMomtolether

know.”

“Ohno.”Aballofweightattachesitselftomychest.
“Ican’tbelievetheidiotslethimout.”Shethrowsherpalmsupintheair.“It’scrazy.Mom’sreally

happyofcourse.She’sstillconvincedhe’sinnocent.”

“Didhegetoutonbailthen?”
“Yes.Thejudgesetithigh,butthat’snotaproblemforarichguylikeDominic,isit?It’safucking

joke.”

Nateshakeshishead.“Whichwaydidhepleaatthearraignment?”
Shefillshercheekswithairandthenblowsitalloutinonebigpuff.“Notguilty.”

“So,whathappensnow?”Isay,recoveringmycomposureandwipingmyhandsonacloth.“Wejust

wait?”

“Iguess.”
RileyleansforwardandslidesacoffeeinfrontofHarriet.
“Oh,thanks,”shesays,whensherealisesit’sforher.
WestandincollectivesilenceforafewmomentsbeforeNatespeaksup.“So,dothedetectivesthink

thisDominiccharacterflewovertoLondonandkilledyourdadhimself?”

Harrietshakesherhead.“No.Hecouldn’thave.Hedidn’tleavethecountryatallinMarch.They

thinkhegotsomeoneelsetodoit.TheyfoundsearchesonhislaptopforhiringahitmanintheUK.He
alsohadtheaddressofthehouseinLondon,photosandlayoutsofthehouseaswellasother
incriminatingstuff.”Shesighs.“Theydidn’thaveanysuspectsatallforsixmonths,thentheygetonewith
amotiveandincriminatingevidenceonhiscomputer,andtheyjustlethimout.”

Ireachoutandsqueezeherupperarm.Sheplacesherhandontopofmineandholdsitinplacefora

fewsecondsbeforelettinggoandpickinguphercoffee.Sheblowsacrossthetopbeforetakingasip.
“Damn,thiscoffee’sgood,I’llhavetocomeinheremoreoften.”

Chapter25

“Yes!”Natepunchestheair.
“Whatisit?”Rileyasks.
“TripAdvisorhaveagreedwithmeandremovedallthemaliciousreviews.“Theysaythey’vefound

outtheywereallleftusingthesamecomputerandthey’regoingtoinvestigatefurther.”

“That’sawesome,bro.”
I’msmilingasmyphonebuzzesinmyapronpocket.Pullingitout,IseeRamirez’snameflashupand

myheartsinks.

Itakeadeepbreath,swipemyphonetoacceptthecallandheadoutontothebackpatio.
“Hello.”
“Emily,it’sDetectiveRamirez.”
“Oh,hi,what’sgoingon?Haveyougotsomenewsforme?”
“Yes.You’reawarewe’vebeentryingtoreviewtheCCTVfootagefromthepubliclibrarytosee

whowasusingthecomputeratthetimeyouraccountwasaccessed?”

“Andwasithim?”Mystomachmusclestense.“WasitDominic?”
Hesighs.“Idon’tknow.I’msorry,Emily.IwishIcouldtellyouwhoitwasbut,noneofthecameras

inthatsectionofthelibrarywereworkingthatday.”

Myshoulderssag.“You’rekiddingme.”
“I’mafraidI’mnot.Somesortofcablingissue,apparently.”
Isigh.“So,didyouquestionthestaff?Didanyofthemrememberseeingsomeoneusingthe

computer?”

“It’sahugelibrary,MissEverett.Hundredsofpeopleareinandoutofthatplaceonadailybasis.

WithoutCCTV,there’snowaythestaffcouldpinpointwhowouldhavebeenusingacertaincomputerata
specifictime.”

Irubatmyforehead.“So,you’renofurtherforwardthen?”
“Notinthatrespect.”
“AndmeanwhilethejudgehasletDominicoutonbail.”
“Oh,youheardaboutthat.Iwasjustabouttoinformyou.He’sgotoneofthebestlawyersin

Californiarepresentinghim,soit’snorealsurprise.”

HestopsspeakingforamomentandinthebackgroundIhearadozenphonesringinganda

cacophonyofraisedvoices.Howdoesanyonemanagetogetanythingdoneinaworkplacelikethat?

“Emily,listen,IneedyoutotellmewhereyouwereonSaturdayafternoon.”
“Me?Uh…Iwouldhavebeenworkingatthecaféuntiltwo,andthenIwenttothebeachonmyown

forabit.Why?”

“Cansomeoneelseconfirmthatforyou?”
“Well,whenIwasatworkIwaswiththreecolleagues,andobviously,therewereplentyof

customershere.ButwhenIwenttothebeachIwasonmyown.”

“Ofcourseyouwere….”Histoneisprickly.
“I’msorry.Isthereaproblem?”
“Ineedyoutorememberifyousawanyoneyouknew,whomightbeabletoconfirmthatyouwereat

thebeachwhenyousayyouwere.”

“Why?”
Hetakesanaudiblebreath.“Somethinginterestinghascometolight.”
“Oh.What’sthat?”
“WhenIwenttothelibrarytorequesttheCCTVfootageshowingthecomputer,themanagertoldme

someoneelsehadrequestedinformationforthesamePC.”

“Really?”

“Yes.TheywanteddetailsofthepersonwhousedthecomputerwiththesameIPaddresswe’re
interestedin.”
“That’sodd.”
“Andthetimeframetheyrequestedclasheswiththeonewerequested.”
Myheartstartstotapoutafasterrhythm.“Thatcan’tbeacoincidence.Didyoufindoutwho

requestedit?”

“Yes.”
Heleavesanannoyingpause.
“Well,whowasit?”
“MissEverett,haveyouheardofthereviewsite,TripAdvisor?”
Icatchmybreath.“Yes,ofcourseI’veheardofthem.”
“Yes,ofcourseyouhave.”Histonehasswitchedfrompricklytopatronising.“TripAdvisor

requestedthefootagebecausethey’reinvestigatingmaliciousreviewsleftforacafénotfarfromhere
calledO’Shea’sPlace.Nowthere’sacoincidenceforyou.O’Shea’sPlace–thecaféwhereyou
suggestedwemeetforcoffeetheotherday.Thecaféyoualsohappentoworkat.”

MyheadspinsasItrytomakesenseofthefacts.“So,doyouthinkthesamepersonwho’sbeen

accessingthebankaccountalsoleftthemaliciousreviewsforO’Shea’sPlace?”

“That’swhatitlookslike.”
“But…itdoesn’tmakeanysense.”
Histonechangesfrompatronisingtocold.“Idon’treallycareabouttheTripAdvisorreviews,

Emily.Wewereonlyinterestedinfindingoutwho’sbeenaccessingyourbankaccount,butthefactthat
botheventshappenedtogetherhasmadeuslookatthingsdifferently.I’mdefinitelygoingtoneed
confirmationyouwerewhereyousayyouwereonSaturdayafternoon.”

“Whydoyouneedproofofmywhereabouts?Howwillthathelpanything?”
Hedoesn’tsayanythingandmybreathhitchesinmythroatwhenIrealisewhathe’sthinking.
“Waitaminute.Youdon’tthinkitwasmeusingthatcomputerinthelibrary,doyou?”
“Ihavetoconsiderthepossibility.”
Itakeacoupleofdeepbreathstocalmmyself.“So,letmegetthisstraight.AmIasuspectnow?”
Hesoundstired.“No,MissEverett.Youarenotasuspect.Ijustneedtodetermineifyou’rea

reliablewitness,that’sall.”

HiswordsarelikeaslaparoundthefaceandIcan’tthinkofasuitableresponse.
“Ineedyoutogetconfirmationofyourwhereaboutstomeassoonaspossible,MissEverett.Ifthere

areanyupdatesinthemeantime,I’llbeintouch.”

Ihitthebuttontocutoffthecallandbangthephonedownonthetable.
“Em?”Natehasbeenwatchingfromthedoorway.“Iseverythingokay?”
Ishakemyheadandsinkdownontoaseat.“Notreally.”
“CanI?”hesays,walkingoverandhoveringhishandonthebackofachair.
Inodandhepullsthechairoutandsitsdown.“Whatwasallthatabout?”
Itakeadeepbreath.“ThatwasadetectivecallingaboutDad’scase.Someonetriedtoaccessthe

bankaccountIusedtosharewithDadandhethinksitwasthesamepersonwholeftthebadreviewsfor
here.”

Nate’sbrowsarchupwards.“What?”
“AndI’mprettysureDetectiveRamirezthinksI’mthepersonresponsible.”
“Whywouldhethinkthat?”
Ishrug.“BecauseI’mlinkedtoboththebankaccountandthecafé,soIguesshe’sgoingwiththe

mostobviousanswer.”

“That’scrazy.”Hereachesanarminmydirectionbutthenthinksbetterofit,drawingitbacktohis

side.“It’sobviousitwasn’tyou.”

Ifrown.
“Imeanit,Em.Idon’tbelieveforaminuteitcouldhavebeenyou.”
Isqueezemylipsintoasmile.“Thankyouforsayingthat.Ijusthopethisdoesn’tscrewthecaseup.

IftheythinkI’velied,theymightstopfollowingthatlead.Itcouldbetheonethingtheyneedtoconvict
Dominic,orwhoeverelseisguilty.”

“Iknowitsucks,butyouneedtotryandprovetothemitwasn’tyou.Thentheycanforgetaboutit

andmoveonproperly.”

“Igetwhythey’reconfused.Imean,Iamtoo.Itdoesn’tmakesensethatDominicwouldbe

interestedinthebankaccountIusedtosharewithDad.Dominic’sfilthyrichandtherewashardlyany
moneyinit.Everythinggotswallowedupwithbillseachmonth.Andwhywouldhebeworriedabout
ruiningthereputationofthiscafé?Itdoesn’taddup.”

Nateshakeshishead.“Itdoesn’t.It’sprobablyjustacoincidence.Therecan’tbeanyoneinvolvedin

yourDad’smurderwhoalsohassomekindofgrudgeagainstthiscafé.”

Inod.“You’reright.”IstandupsoIcangetbacktowork,butthebloodfreezesinmyveins.
“Em,whatisit?”
“Uh…no…it’snothing.”
Ifeelhimwatchingme,soImeethiseyes.“Ijustthoughtofsomeonewithalink,butIknowI’m

wrong.Itcan’tbethem.”

“Who?”
“No,I’mbeingstupid.Ignoreme.Myhead’sallovertheplaceandI’mjumpingtowild

conclusions.”

“Em?”HeholdsmygazeandIfeelmyselfcrumble.Ipursemylipsandblowoutashakybreath.“I

wastryingtothinkwhomighthaveagrudgeagainstthiscafé,andRachelsprangtomind.”

Natepullsapuzzledexpression.“Who’sRachel?”
“Mymom...she’snotabigfanofmeworkinghere.”Ibitetheinsideofmycheek.“Butitcan’tbe

her.Shewouldn’thavewantedDadkilled.”

Natefrowns.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Shelovedhim,”Icarryon.“Sheevenwantedtogetbackwithhim.”
“Irememberyoutellingme.”

“Harrietsaiditbrokeherheartwhenhesaidno.”Iclosemyeyesasphrasesfromhermedicalreport

springtomind;‘intenselysensitivetorejection,’‘inappropriateanger….’

Islumpbackdowninmychair.“Whatifitwasher,though?Whatifsheleftthereviewsfor

O’Shea’sPlacebecauseshewasjealousofmeworkinghere,andwhatifshehiredahitmantokillDad
becauseherejectedher?”

Natelowershisvoice.“Beingrejectedisn’tareasonforarationalpersontokillsomeone….”
AtearrunsdownmycheekbeforeIcanstopit.Ibatitawaywiththebackofmyhand.
“She’snotrational,Nate.”
Heraisesaneyebrow.
“Beingabandonedorrejectedisdevastatingtosomeonelikeher.”
“Howdoyoumean–someonelikeher?”
Idigmynailsintomyhands.“She’snotwell.She’sgotthisillnesscalledborderlinepersonality

disorder.”

Helooksconfused.
“Itmeansshehastroublemanagingheremotions.Herrelationshipswithotherpeoplecanbe…

intense.”Iwipeawayanothertear.“Everyone’sdifferentobviously,butshe’sonthesevereendofthe
spectrum.”

“Butevenso...murder’squitealeap.”
“Iknow,Iknow.”
Hefrowns.“Thisisyourmomwe’retalkingabout,Em.Youknowherbetterthanmost.Doyou

reallythinkshecouldbecapableofmurder?”

“Yes…No.”Ohhell,Idon’tknow.Ipressmyhandstogetherinaprayer-likestanceandbangmy

fingersagainstmylips.“Ireallydon’tknowherverywellatall,Nate.Whenshemovedhereshehad
nothingtodowithmeforfiveyears.IonlysawherforthefirsttimeinMarch,justafterDaddied.”

Natesitsbackashedigeststhis.“Shejustleftyoubehind?Shedidn’tstayintouchoranything?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Damn,Em.Ididn’tknowthat.”
“I’vewitnessedabitofherirrationalbehavioursinceI’vebeenhere,butHarriettoldmeshegets

violentmoodswingsthatcanlastfordays.Andwhenshe’slikethatshe’snotincontrolofherimpulses.”

Hereachesformyhandandsqueezesit.
“I’vereadhermedicalnotes.Herdoctorwastryingtohelpherdealwithherfeelingsofrejection.It

mentionedinthereporthowsheswungbetweenidolisationofpeopletointensehatred.”Isitupstraighter
onthechairanddoaninvoluntaryshiver.

Natefrownsandmoveshischaircloser.Heputshisarmaroundmyshouldersanddrawsmeintothe

warmthofhischest.Ihesitateforamomentbeforerelaxingmybodyintohis.Myearispressedagainst
histopandIhearhisheartbeatinginside,strongandsteady.

“Ihopeyou’rewrong,”hesays.
Iswallowhard.“Ihopeso,too.”
WesitinsilenceforamomentuntilIstarttofeeluncomfortableandpeelmyselfawayfromthe

sanctuaryofhim.

Nateclearshisthroatandleansback.“Whydoesn’tshelikeyouworkinghere?”
“Ithinkshe’sjealousofthetimeIspendhere.Shewantsmetogoandworkatthesalonwithher

instead.”Ishrug.“MaybesheleftthosereviewssoO’Shea’sPlacewouldsufferandyou’dhavetoletme
go?”

Hiseyebrowsflickup.“Iguessit’sapossibility.”
“Idon’tknowwhattothink,Nate.Myheadisswimming.”
“Look,I’msureit’snother,butdoyouthinkyoushouldtellthatdetectivewhatyou’vejusttoldme?”

“I-Idon’tknow.Whatifshe’sinnocent?”
“Butwhatifshe’snot?”
IbitemylipasItrytomakeanimpossibledecision.ThenIstandupandpullmyphoneout,hoping

thescreenwillsomehowgivemeacluewhattodo.

IlookbackatNate.“I’lltellthemIdon’tthinkit’sher,though.”
Natenods.
ItakeadeepbreathandpullupRamirez’snumber.
Ican’tgetholdofhimandendupspeakingtosomeoneinhisoffice,whoturnsouttobealotmore

generouswithinformationthanRamirezwas.HeinformsmetheyhavebeenmonitoringRachelinthe
background-shewasoneofthereasonsCaliforniaLawEnforcementgotinvolvedinthefirstplace.He
wentontosayifIcouldprovetothemIwasn’ttheonewhoaccessedthebankaccountandleftthe
reviewsinthelibrary,theymighttakemoreinterestinthatlineofenquiry.Myprotestaboutneverhaving
setfootinthelibraryfallsondeafearsagain.

WhenIfinishthecall,IfillNateinonwhathesaidandhowtheystilldon’tbelieveme.
“Right.”Hestandsupandsandpapershishandstogether.“Firstthingtomorrow,youandIaregoing

tothelibrarytoseeifwecangetanymoreinformationaboutwhousedthatcomputer.”

“Oh,right.Yes,that’sagoodidea.”
“Inthemeantime,IthinkyoushouldmoveinherewithmeandRiley.Youcanhavethebedroomnext

totheofficeandRileycansleepinmyroom.Idon’tthinkit’sagoodideaforyoutobeathomeright
now.”

Iwanttosayno.Buthe’sright.Ican’tbeatthehousewithRacheluntilIfoundoutforsurewho

murderedDad.

“Thankyou.”Isayquietly.“Butjustuntilthisisallsorted.”

Chapter26

ItapoutanotetoHarrietexplainingI’mgoingtobestayingatNate’sapartmentforawhile,until

everything’sblownover.

Shetextsstraightback.
“What?Don’tbesilly.Dominic’snotallowedanywherenearthehouse.It’spartofhisbail

conditions.Youhavetocomehome,Em.Weneedyouhere.”

Iwaitafewminutesbeforereplying.
“Sorry,Harriet.Ijustcan’tbethererightnow.Ineedyoutoo,sopleasecomevisitmeatO’Shea’s.

You’realwayswelcome.Loveyou.xx”

MyringtoneburststolifeandHarriet’snameflashesonthescreen.Itakeadeepbreathbefore

swipingtoanswer.

“What’sup,Em?”Hervoiceisthickwithirritation.“Whatdoyoumean,youcan’tbringyourselfto

comehome?”

“Ifoundoutsomethingtoday….”Istoptalkingtogathermythoughts.Ican’ttellhermysuspicions

aboutMom.Idon’treallybelievethemmyselfandIknowHarrietwillhittheroofifImentionittoher.I
decidetosticktowhatIfoundoutandseewhatconclusionshedrawsbyherself.

“Em…youstillthere?”
“Yes.RememberItoldyousomeonehadleftnegativereviewsforO’Shea’sPlace?”
“Yes….”
“WellitturnsoutitwasthesamepersonwhoaccessedDad’soldbankaccount.”
“Really?Howdoyouknowthat?”

“ThepolicetracedtheIPaddress.Theaccountwasaccessedandthereviewswereleftoverthe

sametime-periodfromthesamecomputeratthelibrary.Howcrazyisthat?”

“Well…whatarethepolicedoingaboutit?Cantheyfindoutwhoitwas?”
“They’reabitstuck.TheytriedcheckingtheCCTVbutitwasn’tworkinglastweekend.Therewas

somekindofatechnicalfault.Theydon’tseemtoobotheredanyway.BecausetheythinkI’mtheperson
whoaccessedtheaccount,theythinkImustbethepersonwholeftthereviewsforO’Shea’s.Thebottom
lineis,nowtheythinkI’maliarandnoneofitisrelatedtoDad’smurder.”

“Oh,Em….”
“SoI’mlefttryingtofigureoutwhathappenedbymyself.WhywouldDominicbeinterestedin

sabotagingNate’scafé?”

“Idon’tknow…itdoesn’taddup.”
She’snotbiting.Myshoulderssag.Idecidetouseanothertactic.
“Doyouthinkit’sweirdhowMom’ssoconvincedDominicisinnocent,eventhoughhehasa

motive,awitnessapparentlyoverheardhimsayinghe’dkilledDad,andhehadmapsandplansofthe
house?”

“Yes,but…Dominic’shersecurity.Sheloveshiminherownfunnyway.Thethoughtofhimbeing

senttoprisoniswaytoomuchforhertocomprehend.”

“So,you’resayingshe’smoreworriedaboutlosingherboyfriendthanworryinghemightbe

responsibleforthemurderofherdaughter’sfather?Isn’tthatabittwisted?”

“Yes,Iguess…butyouknowshe’snotwell.Sheneedsyou,Em.Now,morethanever.Andyou

knowshehasabandonmentissues.Ifyoucomehome,thenbetweenus,wecantakecareofherand
hopefullyshe’llbeokaywhateverhappens.”

Shehasn’tevenconsideredMomcouldbeguilty.
“No,I’vemademymindup,Harriet.I’msorry,butI’mstayinghere.”
Harriet’stonechanges.“Em,yourrelationshipwithMomisfragileenough.Whatareyoutryingto

do,kickitintotouchaltogether?”

“No,ofcoursenot.Ijustneedtostayawayfromheruntilwegetanswers.”
“Oh,thisisridiculous.Ijustwanttogettothepartwhenallthisisforgottensowecanputitbehind

usandconcentrateonbeingafamilyagain.”

Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.‘Allthis’willneverbeforgottenasfarasI’mconcerned.Howcanit

bewhenIlostDad?

“Look,Harriet,”Isaysoftly.“JusttellherI’mworkingsomelongshiftsatthecaféandit’seasierifI

stayhere.Ihopeshedoesn’treactbadlybecauseIdon’twantyoutohavetodealwiththefallout.But
there’snowayIcanbeathomerightnow.”Iquicklysaygoodbyeandhangupbeforeshecanspeak
again.

Chapter27

Aquickgooglesearchtellsusthepubliclibraryopensatninethirty.NateandIarestoodoutsidethe

grandcreamandterracottabuildingbyninetwenty-five.It’sonabusystreet,nestledbetweenabankand
aStarbuckswithpalmtreesstretchingtotheskieseithersideofthelargeglassentrance.Totheleftaflag
poleproudlyholdsuptheStarsandStripesandtotheright,anotherdisplaysthebearflagofCalifornia.

We’refurtherinlandhereandthere’snobreezeatall.Eventhoughit’searly,theheatisstifling.
Westandintheshadeoftheentrance,andIleanonthetrunkofatreeandfanmyselfwithmyhand.
“Notusedtoourweatheryet?”Nateasks.
Ishakemyhead.“Ijustneedabreeze,thenI’llbeokay.”

“Goodjobyouweren’thereintheheightofsummer.You’dhavemelted.”
Igivehimasmallsmile.“I’llgetusedtoit.”
“They’llopenupinaminute,”hesays,glancingathiswatch.“It’llbecoolinside.”
Inod,mystomachchurningasIremindmyselfwhywe’rehere.Istrokethelittlebutterflybrooch

pinnedtomytopandexhaleashakybreath.

“Hey.”Coolblueeyesstudymyface.“Howareyoubearingup?”
“I’mdoingalright,”Isay,notcompletelyfoolingNateormyself.
“It’llbeokay,Em.Thisisastepintherightdirection.”
Imeethisgazeandmyheartsqueezes.He’sgoingoutofhiswaytomakethiscrapsituationmore

bearable.“Thanksforbringingmehere,andbeingsogoodabouteverything.Especiallyafter….”

Heraisesahandandshakeshishead,stoppingmysentence.“Youdon’tdeserveanyofthis,Em.I

justhopeitallgetsresolvedassoonaspossible.”

Webothturnourheadsasamemberofstaffwalksuptotheglassentranceandunlocksthedoor.

She’sgotaseverehaircutandaheart-shapedfacewhichnarrowsintoapointedlittlechin.She’swearing
achunkybluenecklace,andonherarms,dozensofmulti-colouredbanglesclattereverytimeshemoves.
Somuchforthepeaceandquietofthelibrary.

“Goodmorning,”shesaysenthusiastically.“Comeonin.”Sheturnsandheadsbackintotheinterior

ofthelibrary,herheelscreatingaclickingsoundastheymakecontactwiththetiledfloor.

Westepintothecoolfoyerofthebuilding,holdingthedoorforacoupleofothercustomerswho

havejustappeared,beforequickeningourpacetofallinstepwiththeladywholetusin.

“Wewerewonderingifit’spossibletospeaktothemanager?”Natesays.
“Yes,ofcourse.That’sme.Myname’sJenWalden.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Jen.I’mNateO’SheaandthisisEmilyEverett.”
Weallstopatalargesemi-circlecounterwhereamanisbusyshufflingahugepileofindexcards.
“WhatcanIhelpyouwith?”Jensays,restingherelbowonthecounterandsmilingupatNate.
“Someonewhousedthislibrarylastweekendleftmultiplebadreviewsforacafé.Wewantedtotry

andfindoutwhoitwas.”

Hereyesnarrowandshelookshimupanddownforamoment.“Wouldthatbeyourcaféofthesame

name–O’Shea’sPlace?”

Henods.
“Ithoughtso.Ionlyknowthenamebecausewe’vehadacoupleofrequestsrecentlytryingtocheck

ourCCTV.OneoftheenquirieswasfromTripAdvisoraboutthosereviews.”Shetakesherarmoffthe
counterandstandsupstraight.“I’msorry,butyou’vewastedyourtime.Wecouldn’thelpTripAdvisoror
thepolicebecausewe’vebeenexperiencingatechnicalfaultwithourcameras.Unfortunately,they
weren’trecordinglastweekend.”

“No,it’sokay,”Natesays.“We’reawareofthat.Wewerehopingamemberofstaffmighthaveseen

whoeveritwas.Wethoughtwemightbeabletohelpjogtheirmemory.”

Iopenmybagandpluckouttwophotosweprintedofflastnight.OneisofDominicwearingagrey

suitwithawhiteshirtandredandnavy-bluestripedtie.Hisbodyisatanangletothecamerabuthisface
iscentralandthelightfromthecameratravelsthoughhisthinninghairandbouncesoffhisscalp.

Theotherpictureisofmymom.Itwouldbeagoodphotoifshewasn’ttryingsohard.She’sgother

hairpulledforwardoverhershoulders,hereyebrowsareraisedandshe’spoutingatthecamera,
channellingherinnerKardashian.Ididtrytofindabetterone,butshewasmoreorlesspullingthesame
poseineveryphoto.

Iclearmythroat.“Wewantedtoknowifeitherofthesetwocould’vebeenusingthatcomputer

betweenthreeandfiveonSaturdayafternoon.”

Jenbarelylooksatthephotosbeforeshakingherhead.“I’mafraidwewon’tbeabletohelpyou

withthateither.Whenthepolicecamein,theyspoketothestaffonthatfloorandtheyhavenoideawhoit
mighthavebeen.We’reahugelibraryMrO’Shea;noonecouldbeexpectedtorememberdetailslike
that.That’swhywehaveCCTV.”

Natebangshisfistonthecounter.“Yeah,wellitwouldbeawesomeifitactuallyworked.”
Igrabholdofhishandandsqueezeit,hopingtocalmhimdownabit.
“I’msorry.”Jen’stoneisbristlynow.“LikeIsaid,wereallycan’tbeofanymorehelptoyou.”
“Yeah,well,thanksfornothing.”Nateturnsawayfromthecounter.“Comeon,Em.”
“Thanksanyway,”Isay,followingNatebackouttothefoyer.InsteadofheadingforthedoorsasI

expected,Natewalksacrosstotheelevators.

“Let’sgoandtakeaquicklookatthecomputersuite.Noharmintakingalookaround,isthere?”
Ishrug.“Iguessnot.”
Aswegetintothelift,anorientalgirlwhofollowedusinthroughthemaindoorsearlierstepsin

behindus.She’swearingpaleblueshorts,acreamt-shirtandhasanavy-bluebagslungacrossher
shoulder.Shepressesherselfintothecorneranddoesn’tmakeeyecontact.

“MaybeifweshowstaffonthatfloorthepicturesofyourmomandDominic,theymightremember

seeingoneofthemhereattheweekend?Thatwouldbeastart,wouldn’tit?

Isigh,doubtful.“Ican’tseeanyharminasking.”
Theelevatorstopsandwe’redepositedontothesecondfloor.Thegirlexitsfirstandwefollowher

throughdoubledoorsintoahugeroom.Ilookaroundandmyheartsinks.Aroundtheperimeterofthe
roomarerowsandrowsofbook-linedshelvesandinthecentrearefourlongrowsofback-to-back
computerscreens,aboutfiftyintotal.

Wemakeourwaytothecounterwhereabuxomwomanofaboutsixtyissortingbooksfromonepile

toanother.Shehasshortblondehairandiswearingafloralshirtwithglassesswingingfromachain
aroundherneck.Hernamebadgesays‘Yvonne.’

Shelooksupandsmiles.“CanIhelpyou?”
WeintroduceourselvesandNateexplainswhatwe’relookingfor.
Shepressesherlipstogetherandfrowns.“We’vebeenaskedaboutthatbefore.Theproblemis….”

Sheraisesherhandtopointovertothescreens.“Thecomputerinquestionisthethirdonefromthelefton
thebackrow.It’spracticallyoutofoursight.”

NateandIbothturnandsquintinthatdirection.ItrytoimaginemymomorDominicsittingthere.
“Somanypeopleusethemonadailybasis,there’snowaywecankeeptrack.Wedidtrytohelpthe

policebutI’msorry,noneofuscanremember….”

“Wecompletelyunderstand,”Isay.“Whatwewantedtoaskisifyouwouldlookatacoupleof

photosandtellusifyoueverrememberseeingthesepeopleonyourfloor?”

“Ofcourse,we’llhelpinanywaywecan.”Shepluckstheglassesoffherchestandsitsthemonthe

endofhernose.

“Rita,Valeria….”Shemotionstotwowomenbehindhertojoinus.“Come,takealookatthese

photos.Seeifyourecogniseanyone.”

Bothladiesdropwhatthey’redoing,pullconfusedexpressionsandwalkovertojoinYvonneatthe

counter.

Iopenmybagandpulloutthetwophotos,carefullytuckingonebehindtheothersoDominic’sphoto

isatthefront.Iholditupsoitfacesallthreewomen.There’satremorinmyhandandIconcentrateto
keepitstill.

ThewomenleaninclosetostudyDominic’sfeatures.Yvonneisthefirsttoshakeherhead.“I’m

sorry,Idon’trecognisehimatall.”

RitaandValeriabothagree;they’resurethey’veneverseenhimbeforeeither.
“Okay.”IslidethatphotooffthetopandtuckitbehindtheoneofMom.“Howaboutthisone?”

Myhandisshakingsomuchthistime,Iendupplacingthephotodownonthecounterinstead.“What

doyouthink?Haveanyofyouseenherinhererecently?”

Oneoftheladies,Rita,shrugshershoulders.“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou.Shecouldhavebeen

here,butit’shardtosay.Weseesomanypeople.”

“Werealiseit’sdifficult,”Natesays.“Butifyoucanjusttrytorememberifyou’veseenherinhere,

itwouldbereallyhelpful.”

Valeriashakesherhead.“Ineverseenherbefore.Definitelynot.Ihaveagoodmemoryforfacesand

IknowsheneverbeeninherewhileIwasworking.”

NateandIbothfocusonYvonne.Ourlasthope.Asshelooksatthephotohereyesnarrowandher

lipspresstight.ShereachesoutandtouchesthephotoandIrealiseI’mholdingmybreath.

“Yvonne….”Nateencourages.“Doyouthinkyou’veeverseenherbefore?”
Shetakesherglassesoffanddropsthemsotheybounceoffherchest.Thenshelooksupatusand

shakesherhead.“No,sorry.Sheremindedmeofsomeonewhousedtoworkhereyearsago,butnowI’ve
hadagoodlook,Icantellit’snother.”

Myshoulderssagwithrelief.Eventhoughwehaven’tmovedanyfurtherforward,I’mglad.I’m

holdingontothehopethatMom’sinnocentsomyworlddoesn’tcomecrashingdownforasecondtime.

Natesighs.“Okay,thanksanywayladies.Canweleaveyouanumberincaseyourememberanything

relevant?”

“Yes,ofcourse,”Yvonnesays,takingthelidoffapenandhandingittohim.
“Itdoesn’tmatterhowinsignificant,”hesays,scribblingdownhisnameandnumber.“Anythingyou

rememberatall.”

Wesayourgoodbyesandheadbacktowardstheelevators.
“I’msorry,Em,”Natesaysaswewalk.“Ihopedthisvisitwouldshedsomelightonthingsforyou.I

feellikeI’vejustwastedyourtime.”

Ireachoutandtouchhisarm.“Don’tapologise.Atleastwetried.”
IsensesomeoneiswatchingusandwhenIlookaround,Inoticetheorientalgirlfromearlier

standingbytheelevatorshaft,lookingourway.

Shedoesn’ttakehereyesoffusanditfeelsawkward,soIgiveherasmile.
Aswedrawlevel,shesayssomethingtome,buthervoiceissosoftIstruggletomakeouther

words.“Sorry,couldyourepeatthat?”

Shetakesabreath.“Isaid,IthinkImightbeabletohelpyou.”Thenshelooksdownatherfeet,

nervousenergyradiatingoffher.

Itrytoencourageher.“Please,ifyouthinkyouknowsomethingthatmighthelp,youhavetotellus.”

Hell,IwouldgetdownonmykneesandbegherifIthoughtitwouldmakeadifference.

Shelooksbackupandfrowns.“Idon’twantyoutothinkI’minterfering.”
“No,wedefinitelydon’tthinkyou’reinterfering,”Natesays.“Whateveritis,nomatterhowrandom,

pleaseshareitwithus.”

Shenodsandlookstowardsthecounter.“Iwasstandingovertherejustnow,nearwhereyouwere

havingyourconversationwiththestaffaboutthecomputers.I’msorrybutIcouldn’thelpoverhearing
whatwassaid.”

“That’sokay,”Ireassure.
Shesmilesshyly.“Ipracticallyliveatthisplace.Youcouldcallmetheoriginalbookworm….”
Inod,desperateforhertogettothepoint.
“OnSaturdayafternoonIwasinhereasusual,finishinganhistoricalliteratureprojectforcollege.”

Shelooksoverhershouldertotherowsofcomputers.“Iheardthelibrariansaywhichcomputeryou
wereinterestedin.Iwassatattheendofthatrow.Ihatetofeelclosedin,soifIneedtouseacomputerI
alwaystrytositatoneontheend.”

Myeyesarelikesaucers.“So,youweretwoseatsawayfromthecomputerthelibrarianwastalking

about?”

Shenods.
IlookfromhertoNate,andbackagain.“Didyouseethepersonatthatcomputer?”
“Sortof.”Shebitesherlip.“Mostlytherewasnobodyinbetweenus,soalthoughweweren’tside

byside,Iwasawareofthemansittingthere.

“Aman?”Ibreatheoutadeepsighofrelief.“Areyousureitwasaman?”
“Yes,I’mprettysure.”
“Didyouseehisface?”I’mfranticallyunzippingmybagandscrabblingtofindthephotosinside.I

selecttheoneofDominicandholditinfrontofher.“Couldithavebeenthisman?”

Shetakesthephotofromme,holdsituptothelightandstudiesithardbeforelookingbackatme.“I-

Ireallycouldn’tsay.Hewaswearingagreytopwiththehoodpulledup.I’msorry,Iwassoengrossedin
myproject,Ididn’tpayalotofattentiontohim.”

Iclosemyeyesforacoupleofseconds.“Okay,canwejustgobacktothegenderbecauseit’s

important.Ifthatpersonhadtheirhoodup,whatmakesyouthinkitwasaman?”

“Idon’tknowwhyIthoughtthat.Maybeitwasthewayheheldhimself,ormaybehespoketo

someoneandIheardhisvoice.Ican’trememberwhyexactly,butI’mconvinceditwasaman.”

Islidethephotosbackintomybagandzipitup,feelingdeflatedforthethirdtimesincewegotto

thelibrary.

“CanIaskwhythisissoimportanttoyou?”sheasks.
IglanceatNate.Heraiseshiseyebrows,givingmean‘it’suptoyouifyouwanttotellher,’kindof

expression.

Itakeadeepbreath.“WhoeverwassatatthatcomputeronSaturdaycouldpossiblybetheperson

responsibleformydad’smurder.”

Herjawdrops.
“Listen,canIgiveyoumynumber?”Isay.“Justincaseyourememberanymoredetails.Anythingat

all.”

“Yes,yes,ofcourse.”Shehandsmeherphone.“Youcanputthedetailsinthere.”
Ipunchinmynameandnumber.ShetakesherphonebackandcheckstheinformationI'veentered.

“Thanks,Emily.MynameisSu-Yinbytheway.I’mgoingtotryreallyhardtoremembersomemore
detailsforyou.”

“Thankyou,Su-Yin.Iappreciateit.You’vealreadyhelpedmorethanyouknow.”

Chapter28

Natedropsmebackatthecafé,beforeheadingofftohisaccountant’stofinalisetheinvestment

paperwork.

IwalkintoO’Shea’sandimmediatelyfeelguiltywhenIseethequeue.“Sorry,sorry,”Isay,rushing

tothecounterandpullinganapronovermyhead.

“Em,wherehaveyoubeen?”Rileylooksupbrieflybeforeslidingsandwichesunderthegrill.“It’s

crazyinherethismorning.”

Loispullsafacebehindhisbackandthenwinksatme.
Ismileatthenextcustomer,takinghisorderforaFrappuccinoandagrilledcheesesandwich.ThenI

movetothecounteragainstthewall,closertoRiley,andstartpressingbuttonsonthebeast.

“Wewenttothelibrary,”Ispeakinhushedtones,soonlyLoisandRileycanhear.“Wewerehoping

thestaffmightbeabletohelpusoutwithsomething.”

“Librarystaff?”Rileysays,studyingmyface.“Whatdidyouneedtheirhelpfor?”
“Weweretryingtofindoutwholeftthebadreviewsforthisplace,amongotherthings….”
“Oh,right.Natedoesn’tthinkit’sSashaanymore,doeshe?”heasks.
“No,he’sprettysureit’snother.”
“Thatremindsme,”Loissays,pullingagrimace.“Shewasinhereearlierlookingforyou.”
Myhandsstillonthebeast.“Who?Sasha?”
“Yeah,”Loissays,grabbingaglassdomeofchocolatefudgebrowniesandtakingthembacktothe

counter.“Sheseemedagitated.”

IfinishmakingtheFrappuccinoandhurryovertojoinher.“Didshesaywhy?”Iwhisper,handing

mycustomerhisdrink.

“No.YouknowwhatSasha’slike.Shewasverymysteriousaboutitall.”
“Wellthat’llbesomethingtolookforwardto….”

Thecafé’snotworkingit’smagicatalltoday.MyheadisspinningwitheverythingandIseemto

spendtherestofthemorningspillingcoffee,gettingordersmixedupandtakingthewrongchange.

Justaftertwo,Loistouchesmyback.“Theeaglehaslanded,”shesays.
ItwistaroundfromcleaningthebeastandseeSashaheadingtowardsme.Mystomachmuscles

tense.

AsshegetscloserIsensethere’ssomethingoffabouther.Herheadistippedforwardandhereyes

aredowncast.Sheseemstohavelostherairofconfidence.

Itakeadeepbreathasshereachesthecounter.“Hello,Sasha.”
“Hey,Emily.”Shesqueezesherlipsintoasmile.“Howareyou?”
“Yeah,I’mokay.You?”
“Notbad.”
Gosh,thisistedious.
“Uh…Ihearyouwerelookingforme.”
Shenods.“IwashopingyouandIcouldhavealittlechat.”
Ifighttheurgetorollmyeyes.“Ofcourse.What’sonyourmind.”
“Nothere,”shesays,frowning.“Istheresomewhereprivatewecango?”
“Sorry.I’veusedupallmybreakstoday.Besides,Riley’sjustpoppedoutsoit’sonlymeandLois

holdingthefort.Ican’tleaveheronherown.”

“Don’tbesilly,”Loischipsin.She’sobviouslybeeneavesdropping.“We’renotbusyatthemoment.

Yougoahead,Em.I’llbefineonmyownforabit.”

ItrytosignaltoLoiswithmyeyes.IneedtomakeherunderstandIdon’twanttobeSasha’scaptive

audience,butshedoesn’tpickuponit.”

“Okay.”Isighandpushmyselfoffthecounter.“Let’sgoupstairstotheoffice.Icangiveyouten

minutes.”

Shegivesasmallnod.“That’sallIneed.”
IfollowSashaupthestairsinsilence.Atthetop,shewaitsformetoopenthedoortotheoffice,

thenshewalksinfirstandsitsdownonthevisitor’schair.Iwalkpasther,roundthedeskandperchon
theedgeofNate’schair.Herperfumecatchesatthebackofmythroat.

“Right,”Isay,placingmyhandsonmyknees.“Whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?”
Sherubsatanimaginarymarkonherdressbeforemeetingmyeye.“I…uh…Iwantedto

apologise.”

“Apologiseforwhat?”Issheabouttoconfesstoleavingthosereviews?
Shepressesherlipstogetherandfrowns.“ForhowIactedtowardsyouwhenIfirstmetyou.”
“Oh.”

“Ishouldn’thavewarnedyouoff,Nate.Itwasstupidanditwaswrong.”
Ishrug.“Don’tworryaboutit.Ididn’tpayitmuchattentiontobehonest.Imean,IlikeNate,but

whatyouweresaying-itwasn’treallyrelevanttome.”

“ButIledyoutobelieveNatewasaplayer.”
Yes,youdid.
“Itwasalie,Emily.IneedyoutoknowwhatIsaidcouldn’tbefurtherfromthetruth.”
Ifrown.“Whydidyousayit,then?”
Shekeepshereyesdownward,rubbingharderattheimaginarystain.“BecauseIwasjealous.”
Thatmakesnosensetomewhatsoever.“Ofwhat?”
Sheblowsoutadeepbreathandlooksup.“You.”
Ilaugh.“Youwerejealousofme?”
“Yes.BecauseoftheeffectyouhaveonNate.Itwasobvioushewasfallingforyou.Icouldtellby

thewayhelitupwheneverhesaidyourname.”

“Really?”Mycheekssuddenlyfeelwarm.
Sheleansforwardandhervoicegetslower.“It’sthewayhelooksatyou,too.I’vewantedNateto

lookatmethatwayforthepasttwoyears.”Shesniffsandthendoesasmallshrug.“I’vefinallyrealised
I’vebeendreaming.It’snevergoingtohappen.”

Iclearmythroatandshiftuncomfortablyonthechair.
“Ishouldn’thaveliedabouthim,though.IthoughtifIsaidthosethingsabouthim,you’dbackoff

fromanykindofintimacy….”

Ha.IfonlyIhad.
Shecrossesonelegovertheotheranddangleshershoeofftheendofhertoe.“Ihadabitofawake-

upcallwhenhecamearoundtoaccusemeofleavingthoseTripAdvisorreviews.Icouldn’tbelievehe
thoughtI’dsinkthatlow.”

“Heknowsitwasn’tyou,Sasha.”
Shenods.“Iknow.He’sapologised.It’sjustthefacthethoughtImightbecapableinthefirstplace.

Itmademelookatmyselfdifferently.IthoughtabouthowI’vebehavedoverthelastcoupleofyears,
playinggamestotryandwinhimover,warninghimoffgirls,warninggirlsoffhim,thatkindofthing….I
finallysawmyselfthroughhiseyesandIdidn’tlikewhatIsaw.I’mnotproudofmybehaviour.”

WhileIcommendhercomingtotellmethis,there’sapartofmethatwondersifNatehasputherup

toit.Ipushstrandsofhairawayfrommyface.“Whyareyoutellingmeallthis?”

Shemeetsmygaze.“IguessIfinallyfoundaconscience.Natedoesn’tdeservetohavesomeonelike

mespreadingliesabouthim.”Herexpressionsoftens.“He’soneofthegoodguys,Emily.Idon’twantto
bethereasonhe’snothappy.”

“Well,”Isay,studyingherface.“That’sveryhonestofyou.”
Shenods.“Itfeelsgoodtogetitoffmychest.”
Ichewtheinsideofmycheek.“Sasha,canIaskyousomething?AndIneedyoutotellmethetruth.”
“Yes,ofcourse.”
“WhatwereyouandNatetalkingaboutonthebeachatthepartytheothernight?”
Shetiltsherheadtoonesideandfrowns.“Uh-thatwaswhenhetoldmehewaspayingmy

investmentback.”

Itjustdidn’tlooklikethatkindofconversation.
“Imadeacompletefooloutofmyself,”sheadds,closinghereyesandshakingherhead.
“How?”
Sheopenshereyesandstudiesmeforamoment,obviouslydecidingwhethertosharethedetails

withme.Thenhershouldersslumpforward.“Whenhesawmeattheparty,hesaidhehadsomething
importanthewantedtodiscussandaskedifI’dpoproundtoseehimatthecaféthefollowingday.He

saidweneededprivacy.”

Shepressesherlipstogetherandfrowns,asifshe’sstrugglingtofindthewords.Inodtotryand

encourageher.

“Iconvincedmyselfitwasbecausehe’dfinallyrealisedhowmuchhelikedme,soIdidn’tseewhy

wehadtowaituntilthenextdaytomovethingsforward.”

Shejigglesherfootandhershoebobsupanddown,threateningtofalloff.“Ipracticallythrew

myselfathim.Triedtokisshim….It’sembarrassingtothinkaboutitnow.Hewasreallysweetaboutit.
Justkindofpulledbackfrommewithoutmakingabigscene,toldmehowmuchhecaredaboutme,but
notinthatkindofway.Itmakesmefeelashamedjustthinkingaboutit.”

Isurprisemyselfbyfeelingsorryforher.
“Sohehadtocomeoutwithitallthereandthen.Howhe’dsecuredotherinvestorsbecausehe’d

realisedIhadfeelingsforhim.Hesaidhewasreallysorry,buthedidn’tfeelthesameway,andforthat
reasonhedidn’tthinkwehadahealthyworkingrelationship.Hesaidhewaspayingbackmyoriginal
amount,plustheinterestwe’dagreed,andalumpsumontop.”Shepressesherlipstogetherandsniffs.“It
wassohumiliating,Emily.”

“It’saneasymistaketomake….”
Sheshakesherhead.“No,itisn’t.AndIwentcompletelyoverthetop.Icriedandbeggedhimto

changehismind.InvestinginO’Shea’swasmyonlylinktoNateandIcouldn’tbearthethoughtoflosing
thatcontact.Hewasadamantthough.Toldmehismindwasmadeupandhe’dmadethedecisionmorefor
mysakethanhis.Ididn’tbelievehimatthetime,butIcanseewhathemeantnow.”

Isitanddigestwhatshe’sjusttoldme.Ontheonehand,I’mangrywithherbecauseshetarnishedmy

opinionofNate.Butontheotherhand,Iadmireherhonestyandthefactshewantedtocomeroundand
tellmeallthis.

“Thankyou,Sasha.”Ileanacrossthegaptotouchherarm.“Iappreciateyourhonesty.”
“Igotthereeventually,didn’tI?”shesays,smiling.“Domeafavour,Emily.Ifpossible,canyounot

mentiontoNatewhatIsaidabouthim?He’llhatemeifheknowsIdidthat.IpromiseI’mgoingtoleave
himalonenow,butIdon’twanthisopinionofmetosinkanylower.”

“Idon’tthinkhe’sgotabadopinion….”
“Let’sjustleaveitatthat,shallwe?”
Isigh.“Iwon’tsayanything,Ipromise.”
“Thankyou.”SheholdsmygazeforamomentandIfeelsomethingshiftinsideme.Ithinkit’sa

flickerofrespect.

“So,whatareyougoingtodonow,Sasha.Haveyougotanyplans?”
Shenods.“I’vekindofwastedthelastcoupleofyears,soI’vedecidedIneedacompletechangeof

direction.”Hereyeslightup.“I’vedecidedtogotravelling,andIthoughtI’dstartwithEurope.”

“Wow.Goodforyou.”
Shesmiles.“OnemorethingbeforeIgo…andIhopeyoudon’tmindmeasking,butIhavetoknow.

Doyoulikehim,Emily?Asmuchasheseemstolikeyou?”

Ifrown.I’mnotsurehowI’msupposedtorespondtothat.
“It’sokay.”Shesmiles.“Yourexpressionjusttoldmeyoudo.AndI’mglad.ItmeansIhaven’t

wreckedthingscompletelyforthepairofyou.”

Ilookdownatmyhands,desperatelytryingtothinkofawaytochangethesubject.“Uh…canIget

youacoffeeoranything?”

Sheshakesherhead.“No,Ishouldgo.Ijustneededtoputthisright,that’sall.”Shestandsand

smiles.“Goodluck,Emily.Ihopeeverythingworksoutwellforyou.”

“Thankyou,”Isay,smilingback.“Youtoo,Sasha.”

Chapter29

HarrietcomestovisitearlySundayafternoon,shortlyafterthecaféhasclosedfortheday.
“Areyouonyourown?”sheasks,liftingherbagupsoIcancleanthecounter.
Inod.“LoishasfinishedhershiftandNateandRileyhavegoneouttopickupsuppliesforthecafé.

I’vegottheplacealltomyselffortheafternoon.”

“Well,youdiduntilIcameover.Sorryaboutthat.”
“Don’tbesilly.”Iswipetheclothather.“I’mgladyou’rehere.It’sgoodtoseeyou.”
Shesmiles.“Doyoumeanthat?”
“Yes,ofcourseIdo.”
OnceIfinishcleaning,Imakecoffeesfromthebeast,pinchacoupleofLois’leftoverchocolate

fudgebrowniesandleadthewayupstairstotheapartment.Iputeverythingonthecoffeetableandthen
dropontothesofa,takingtheweightoffmyhot,achingfeet.

“Howarethingsathome,Harriet?”
Shehoversthebrownieshewasabouttotakeabiteof,mid-air.“Momstillwon’thearabadword

aboutDominic.Ikeepbringingupthesubjectofthecourtcaseandaskingherwhatshe’sgoingtodoifhe
getsaguiltyverdict,butshewon’tevendiscussit.”

“Doyouthinkshe’sburyingherheadinthesand?”
“Iguess.”Shebitesintothebrownieandthendoesadouble-takeattheremainderinherhand.She

speaksthroughhermouthful,“Oh,Em,theseareamazing.”

Inod.“BrowniesareLois’speciality.”ThenIleanforwardtopickupmycoffeeandswirlitround

inthecup.“Doyouthinkshe’llcopeifhegoestoprison?”

“Idon’tknow.She’sterrifiedoflosinghim.Apartfromleavinghiswife,he’dhavedoneanythingfor

her;shejusthadtosnapherfingersandhewasthere.”Shetakesanotherbiteofthebrownieandthen
licksthecrumbsfromherfingers.“Shethinkssheneedsthatsecurityfromamanandthefactshecould
pickhimupandputhimdownwhenevershehadenoughwasperfectforher.Butnowthere’sagood
chancehe’sabouttobeputaway,she’snotcoping,atall.”

Ishakemyheadsoftly.
Sheleansforwardandputsahandonmyknee.“Em,Ithinkifyoucamehomeitwouldmakeahuge

differencetoher.Ithinkit’stheonlywayshewouldbestrongenoughtodealwithwhat’shappening.”

Ifrown.“Idon’tthinkso,Harriet.Ineedtobeawayfromherformyownsanitywhilethisisgoing

on.AndifDominicdoesgetconvictedandshesupportshim,Idon’tthinkI’llbecomingbackhomeat
all.”

Beforeshecanreply,myringtonestartsplaying.IexchangealookwithHarrietbeforefishingmy

phoneoutofmypocket.Anunknownnumberisdisplayed.IlookbackatHarriet.“DoyoumindifItake
this?Itmightbeimportant.”

“Ofcoursenot.Goahead.”
Iswipemyphoneandsayhello,climbingoffthesofaandwalkingthroughtothebedroomforabitof

privacy.

“Hello…uhm…isthisEmily?”Thefemalevoiceontheotherendsoundsvaguelyfamiliar.
“Yes,it’sme.”Ilookoutofthewindowtowardsthesparklingocean.“Who’sthis?”
“Oh,hi.It’sSu-Yinhere.Wemetinthelibraryacoupleofdaysago.Doyouremember?”
Istraightenmyspine.“Yes,yes,ofcourseIrememberyou.Howareyou,Su-Yin?”
“I’mgood.Andyou?”
“Yes,notbadthanks.”
“Emily,I’mringingbecauseI’verememberedsomethingaboutthepersonusingthecomputerinthe

library.Theoneyouwereinterestedin….”

Myfingersflytomybutterflybrooch.
“I’verememberedhowIknewitwasamanandnotawomansittingatthatseat.Itjustcamebackto

meafewmomentsago.”

“Ohright.Goon….”
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
“Well,whoeveritwashadobviouslybeentoStarbucksnextdoorbeforecomingintothelibrary,

becausehehadoneoftheircups.IrememberlookingatitandwishingIcouldgoandgetoneoftheir
smoothies.Youknow,theonewiththestrawberries,bananaandwhippedcreaminit?”

Hurryupandgettothepoint.
“Su-Yin,whatdidyouremember?”
“Oh,sorry.ThiswholethingismakingmenervousandIalwaystalktoomuchwhenI’mnervous.I’ll

getbacktothepoint,whichis,Starbuckswritethenameonthecup,don’tthey?”

Mypulsequickens.
“IremembernowthatIsawthenamewrittenonthesideofthecupinblackpenanditwasdefinitely

aman’sname.So,that’showIknew.”

Idigmyfingernailsintomypalmssoharditmakessmallsemicirclepatternsintheflesh.“Canyou

rememberthename?WasitDominic?”

MyheartbeatpulsesinmyearsasIwaitforheranswer.
“No.Itdefinitelywasn’tDominic.”
“Oh.”IletoutthebreathIdidn’tknowIwasholding.“Whatwasitthen?”
Shesighs.“Ican’tremember.I’vebeentryingtojogmymemorybutallIcanrememberisthatitwas

definitelyaman’sname.I’msorry.Iknowit’snotwhatyouwanttohear.”

“Su-Yin,listen,Ihatetoputpressureonyou,butIreally,reallyneedyoutorememberthatname.it’s

important.”

“Iknow.Iunderstand.It’sbecauseofyourfather.Ihaven’tthoughtaboutanythingelsesinceIsaw

youonFriday.WhenIrememberedaboutthenameonthecup,IwassoexcitedIwantedtocallyouright
away.I’msosorryIcan’tpindownthenamefrommemory.Ikeepwantingtosayaroyalname,like
William,youknow,asinyourPrinceWilliam,butIknowthat’snotright.”

Iclosemyeyesandpinchthebridgeofmynose.
“Oh,wait.”Shedrawsinalongbreath.“Oh,Emily,it’sjustcomebacktome.”Hervoiceturnsso

shrillIholdthephoneawayfrommycheeksoshedoesn’tburstaneardrum.“Icanseeitinmymindnow,
exactlyhowitwaswrittenonthecup.”

“Whatwasit,Su-Yin?”
“Iknewitwasn’tWilliam,butIwasintherightballpark.Itwastheotherone.Youknow,
hisbrother…Harry.”
Harrie?

Chapter30

Thehairsonmyarmsstandonend.IcanseeHarrietthroughthedoorway,sittingonthesofa,sipping

hercoffee.

Idropmyvoicetoawhisper.“Areyouabsolutelysure?”
“Yes,itdefinitelysaidHarry.Nodoubtinmymind.”
“Doyourememberthespelling?”
“Yes,itwasH-A-R-R-I-E.”

Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
“Emily,Ihopethishelpsandyoumanagetofindoutwhomurderedyourfather.”
Mystomachchurns.“Yes.I’msureitwill.Thankyou.”
Harrietturnstolookatme.Shemustseesomethinginmyexpressionbecauseshesuspendsher

coffeecupmid-air,pullsherchinbackandfrowns.

“Thankyou,Su-Yin,”Isayquietly.“I’llbeintouch.”Icutthecalloffwithatremblinghandand

dropmyphoneontothebed.SweattricklesdownmyspineandIblowoutadeepbreathtotryandcalm
myself.

“Yourcoffee’sgettingcold,”Harrietcallsout.
Ilookatmywatch.NateandRileywon’tbebackforatleastanhour.Isqueezemylipsinto

somethingresemblingasmileandwalkbackthroughtothelivingarea.Isitdownandpickupmymug,
butmyhandtremblessomuchIhavetoputitbackdownagain.

Harrietlooksfrommyhandtomyface.“Iseverythingalright,Em?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”Iblowoutanothercontrolledbreath.“Everything’sfine.”
Herfaceisstillpinchedinafrown.“Whowasthatonthephone?”
IknowIneedtoplaythiscarefully,butIhaven’thadanytimetofigureouthow.“Uh…noone

interesting.Itwasabusinesscall.Forthecafé.”Isitonmyhandstotryandstopthemshaking.

“Oh,soyou’retakingbusinesscallsonyourcellphonenow?Mylittlesister,thebusinessmogul.”
Imanageastrangesoundinglaugh.“Somethinglikethat.”MymouthhasgonedryandIlickmylips

totryandstopthemstickingtogether.

“Tellmewhatitwasaboutthen.”
Ishakemyhead.“Iwouldn’twanttoboreyouwiththedetails.”
Shetiltsherheadtooneside.“Icouldalwaysreadyoulikeabook,Em.”Thenhersmilefallsaway.

“SoIknowwhenyou’relying.”

Istareather,theproverbialrabbitcaughtintheheadlights.
“Justtellmewhattheysaid.Whateveritwas,it’shadquiteanimpactonyou.”
Ishakemyhead.“I’mfine,honest.Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Letmespellitoutforyouthen.”Hereyestighten.“Ithinkthatcallwassomethingtodowith

Mike’smurdercase.Ithinkyou’vebeengiventhenameofadifferentsuspectandyou’retornbecauseyou
don’twantthatpersontobeguilty.”

Iforceapainfulswallow.“Andwhodoyouthinkthenewsuspectis?”
“I’mguessingit’sme.”
MyheartthudsagainstmyribcageandIknowthere’snopointcontinuingthischarade.Iclaspmy

handstogether.“Okay,somethinghascometolightthatsuggestsyouweretheonewhoaccessedmybank
account,theoneIusedtosharewithDad.butI’mhavingtroublebelievingit.Andanyway,evenifitwas
you,itdoesn’tproveyouhadanythingtodowithhiringthehitman….”

Shelaughs.NottheyellinginmyfaceresponseIexpected.Abigpartofmehopesit’sbecausethe

ideaisridiculousandshe’scompletelyinnocent.

“Ididn’thireanyone,”shesayssimply.
Iblowoutadeepbreath.“You’redenyingit?”
“Yes,I’mdenyingit.WhatmakesyouthinkIwouldhireahitman?”
“Idon’t.It’sjustthepoliceoriginallythoughtwhoeverhadbeenaccessingthatbankaccountwas

implicatedinhismurder.Timingandlocationorsomething.Idon’treallyunderstand.”

“Whatmadesomeonethinkitwasmeaccessingthataccount?”
Ipressacoolpalmtomyforehead.“Thepersoninthelibrarywhousedthatcomputerattherelevant

timehadaStarbuckscup.”

“So….”
“WiththenameHarrieonit.Speltthewayyouspellit.”
Herbrowcreases.“Seriously?”Shecloseshereyesandbangsherfistagainstherforehead.“Stupid,

stupid.”

Myeyesstaygluedtoher.I’mdesperatelytryingtoworkoutwhethershe’sguiltyorjusthorrified

thatIcouldbelieveshe’scapableofmurder?

Shemakesafunnysound,halfwaybetweenalaughandacough.Thensheopenshereyesandshakes

herheadsoftly.

“So,areyougoingtoadmititwasyouwhohiredthehitman?”Iask.MystomachtightensasIbrace

myselfforheranswer.

“Youreallyarestuckonthewholehiringofthehitmanthing,aren’tyou?”Hereyesboreintomineas

herwordsslicethroughme.“Imean,whywouldIhireahitmanwhenI’mperfectlycapableofkillinghim
myself?”

TheworldtiltsandIholdontothearmofthesofaforsupport.“I-itcan’thavebeenyou.You’re

terrifiedofflying.”Ahugepartofmeisstillindenial.

“Flyingdoesn’tbotherme,”shesaysmatter-of-factly.“Ijustneededtothrowpeopleoffthescent.”
“Youactuallykilledhim?”Iwhisper.
Sheliftsherchinandnods.
“Thatwasyou…inthehouse?”Ibreathe.“Itwasn’taman–itwasyou?”Myhandreachesformy

scar.

Herfacefallsasshewatchesmyhand.“OhGod,Em,youhavetobelieveInevermeanttohurtyou.”

Shedropsdownontoherkneesinfrontofme.“Butyouweren’tgoingtoletmegetpastandIcouldn’tlet
youseeitwasme.IthoughtifIjustgaveyoualittlescratch…Ididn’trealiseI’dcutyouthatbad….”
Shereachesoutformyarm.“Iamsosorry.”

Isnatchmyarmfromherandnarrowmyeyes.“You’reapologisingformyscar?”
Shenods,hereyessincere.
Itakeadeepbreath,butitdoesnothingtocalmmedown.“Whogivesadamnaboutastupidfucking

scar.”

“Me.”Hereyesfillwithtears.“IhatethatIdidthattoyou.”
Ishakemyheadinfrustration.“WhataboutwhatyoudidtoDad?”Ican’tseestraight,I’msoangry.

“Ascarisnothingincomparisontowhatyoudidtohim.”

Shespeaksslowly.“Em,youneedtorealiseIdiditforyou.”Shepursesherlipsandblowsouta

deepbreath.“Iknowyou’llforgivemewhenyouhearwhyIdiditbecauseitwasforagoodreason.”

“Don’tkidyourselfyoudidthisforme.”Ispitthewordsoutandstandup.“Youdidnotdothisfor

me.”

“Wait,Em…youhavetolistentome.Youowemethatmuch.”
“Youtookeverythingfrommethatday.Ioweyounothing.”
Tearsarerunningdownherface.“Em,pleasedon’tleave.IneedyoutounderstandwhyIdidit.”
AndwhatIneedtodoispunchherinherstupidface.
“Ican’tlistentoanymoreofyourcrap,Harriet.”AsfarasI’mconcerned,sheneedslockingupand

thekeythrowingaway.IhavetogetoutofhereandphoneRamirez-tellhimwhatIknow.

IstepforwardandreachforthedoorhandlebutbeforeIcanturnit,painexplodesatthebackofmy

skull.

Chapter31

Adullthrobtowardsthebackofmyheadwakesme.Iopenmyeyesbutit’sdarkandIhavenoidea

whereIamorhowIgothere.Nauseafloatsovermeandmytopisstickingtothesweatonmychest.I
raiseahandtowherethepainismostprominentandfindsomethingwetandstickycoatingmyhair.

Blood?
Andthenitallcomescrashingback.
HarrietkilledDad.
Ispringintoasittingpositionwhichmakesmyheadthumpwildly.I’mbreathingtoofastandpins

andneedlesprickmyfingers.

Ican’thaveapanicattack.Nothere.Notnow.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
MyheartisracingbutIdon’tmoveuntilthepaininmyheadrecedesbacktoathrob.ThenItakea

deepbreath,leanonthewallandstandupslowly.Asmyeyesadjusttothedarkness,Imakeouttheshape
ofjackets,boxesandbooks.

She’sshutmeinthecupboard.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
Ireachforthedoorhandle,pullingitdownasquietlyasIcan,butitwon’tbudge.Itryagain,

pressingmyshoulderagainstthedooratthesametime,butthere’snowaythatdoor’sopening.I’m
guessingachairorsomethinghasbeenwedgedagainsttheotherside.

Ihearmovementoutsideandfreeze.
“Em,areyouokayinthere?”Harriet’svoicewobbles.“I’minbitsouthere.Ineedtomakesure

you’realright,butIcan’topenthedooruntilIknowyouwon’ttalktoanyone.”

Issheserious?
“Em,pleasesaysomething.IneedtohearyouspeaksoIknowyou’reokay.”
ThereisnothingIwanttosaytoher.
Shesighs.“Wellyoutriedtoopenthedoor,soI’mgoingtoassumeyou’reokayandyoucanhearme.

Iknowyou’reupsetwithme,becauseofMike,butIhavetomakeyouunderstandIdiditwiththebest
intentions.”

Myhandscurlintofistsbymysides.
“I’msorryIhurtyoujustnow.ItwasthelastthingIwantedtodo,butIcouldn’tjustletyouleave.

Notuntilyouhearmeout.Iknowwhenyouhearmysideofthestory,you’llseeitmakessense.”

Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
“Youknowwhat?I’mactuallygladyoufoundout,becauseIdon’tlikekeepingsecretsfromyou.

EverythingIdidwasforyou.Youneedtorememberthat….”

IneedtotryandshutoutherwordsorI’llgoinsane.MyeyeshaveadjustedtothedarknessnowsoI

lookaroundtoseeifIcanfigureoutawaytogetoutofhereinonepiece.Idecidetolookinsidethe
boxes;seeifthere’sanythingIcanuseasaweapon.Icarefullyliftthelidoffthetoponeandscaninside
foranythingsharporheavy.

“Momdoesn’tknowaboutanyofthis,”Harrietsaysconspiratorially“She’stoofragilesowecan’t

tellher,okay?Wehavetokeepthisbetweenourselves….”

Whatthehell?DoesshehonestlythinkI’mgoingtobeherallyinthis?Listeningtoheristorture

butIhaven’tgottheluxuryofstoppingandpressingmyhandsagainstmyears.Icarryonsearchingfor
anythingthatmighthelpmefightmywayoutofhere.ThefirstboxturnsouttobeallbookssoIgripthe

handlesandgentlyliftitontothefloor.Theeffortbringsasplinteringpaintomyheadandasmallcry
escapesmylips.

“Em?Areyoualrightinthere?”
Istandstillandbreathedeeply,waitingforthepaintodulldownagain.
“Iwishyou’dsaysomethingtome….”
ThefamiliarsoundofmyringtonejumpstolifesomewherecloseandIturnmyheadinthatdirection.
“Oh,letmejustanswerthatforyou.Don’tgoanywhere.”
AsifIhaveachoice.
Ipressmyeartothedoorandlistentoherfootstepsgettingquieterbeforeshetakesthecall.
“Hello….”
Idon’tbreathe,Ijustlisten.
“Oh,hi,Nate.”Hervoicesoundsunnaturallyhigh.“No,Emily’sbusyrightnow.ShallIgetherto

call….”

“Nate!”IscreamhisnameasloudasIcan,ignoringtheviolentthumpinginmyhead.
Pleaselethimhearme.
IbangmyfistssohardonthecupboarddoorIhalf-expecttobreakthrough.“Nate,helpme!”
Iholdmybreathandpressmyearbacktothedoor,butHarriet’svoiceismuffledandIrealiseshe

musthaveshutthebedroomdoor.Myheartsinks.

Isqueezemyeyesshutforamoment,butIknowfeelingdefeatedwon’tgetmeanywheresoIsnap

myselfoutofitandgetbacktosearchinginsidethebox.

It’snotlongbeforeIhearthesoftpadofherfootstepsandthenadullthudasshedropsdownonto

theflooroutside.

“Thatwasoutoforder,”shesays,herwordsallspiky.“Youhaven’tevenheardmeoutyet.”
NothingyousayisgoingtochangethewayIfeel.
“Natewouldn’thavebeenabletohearyou,butI’mpissedwithyoufortrying.”
She’spissedwithme?She’sunbelievable.
“Anyway,Natewasringingtosaythecar’sbrokendownsothey’regoingtobedelayedawhile.

WhichisgreatnewsasfarasI’mconcerned,becausenowwehavetimeonourside.”

Ibitetheinsideofmycheekhardandblinkbacktears.ThenImentallyshakemyself.Stopbeingso

weak,Emily.

“AtleastIknowyou’relistening.Idon’tlikekeepingyoulockedupinthere,butIneedyoutohear

myreasonsforkillingMike.Theonlywayyou’regoingtounderstandwhyIdidwhatIdid,isifyou
actuallysitandlisten.”

Myfingersbrushagainstsomethingcoldandsmoothinthebox.Myheartlifts.Itakeouttheobject

andsquintattheshapethroughthedimlight.It’sacuponapedestalwithtwohandles;somekindof
sportstrophy.Andit’sheavy.Perfect.Iwrapmyfingersaroundit,standupstraight,holditbymyside
andthenforcedeepslowbreaths,waitingforthemomentsheopensthedoor.

“So,asyoualreadyknow,Ididn’twanttoleaveLondon.Well,Ididn’tcareaboutLondontobe

honest,butIdidn’twanttoleaveyou.AndMomdidn’teither.ButMikehadotherideas,didn’the?”Her
voicebecomesstrained.“Imean,seriously,Em,whodidhethinkhewas?Whatmadehimthinkhehad
therighttoseparateadaughterfromhermother,andasisterfromhersister?Ihatedhimafterthat,Em.I
really,reallyhatedhim.”

Awaveofdizzinesshitsme.Ilookatthetrophyinmyhandandseetwoofthem.Thatcan’tbegood.

Iblinkacoupleoftimesandthetrophiesmergebackintoone.Ipursemylipsandblowoutashaky
breath.

“Oh,IneedtoconfesstoalittlewhitelieItoldyou.ImighthavesaidIdidn’tknowIwascomingto

liveoverhere,butIdid.Momtoldmeacoupleofweeksbeforeweleft.Shesworemetosecrecyand

saidifIplayedbyherrules,you’deventuallyjoinus.ShesaidMikewouldrealisehecouldn’thandle
bringingupadaughteronhisown.ButIknewIcouldn’trelyonherjudgement,soIhelpedthesituation
alongabit.I’monlytellingyouthisbecauseIwantyoutoknowhowhardItriedtogetyouoverhere,
Em.”

Iwillneverforgiveyou,Harriet,foraslongasIlive.
“IgotholdofaloadofVisineeyedrops.I’dreadaboutawomanusingthemtokillherhusbandthe

yearbefore.Somechemicalintherecanbedeadlyifyoudrinktherightamount.Istillrememberthename
ofit;tetrahydrozoline.Ithoughtitwasgoingtobetheanswertomyprayers.EverytimeImadeMikea
cupoftea,I’dtiploadsin.I’msurprisedhedidn’tnoticethetaste.Heusedtogetallteary-eyedwhenever
Iofferedhimadrink.HethoughtIwasbeingnicebecauseIdidn’twanttoleavehim,andthereIwas
tryingtopoisonhim.Ialmostfeltbadforhimacoupleoftimes.”

AcidburnsmythroatandIfeellikeImightpuke.Ican’tworkoutifit’sbecauseofwhatshe’s

saying,orbecausemyheadisthrobbingandIcan’tseemtofocusanymore.

“NomatterhowmanydropsIputinhistea,itdidn’tkillhim.Itmadehimillthough.That’swhenall

hishealthproblemsstarted.”

Mykneesfeellikethey’reabouttogiveway.Stillgrippingthetrophyinonehand,Idropdowntoa

sittingposition,placemyarmacrossmykneesandrestmyheadonit.

“Luckilyhisdoctorthoughtthehighbloodpressure,nauseaandindigestionweredowntostress

becauseofwhatwasgoingonatthetime.I’mnotproudthatIdidthattohim.Youneedtoknowthat,Em.
I’mnotabadpersonsoIdidn’tenjoyseeinghimsuffer.Ijustneededhimtohurryupanddiesoyoucould
comeandlivewithus.BeforeweleftIputloadsofVisineintothePepto-Bismolbottlehekeptbythe
sideofhisbedandhisspareoneinthemedicinecabinet.AndthenIaddedittoallhisbottlesofspirits.
AnythingliquidIknewyouwouldn’ttouch.Itwasenoughtokeephimill,butnotenoughtokillhim,
unfortunately.Anyway,IwantedyoutoknowhowhardItriedtogetyouoverhere.”

Iwanttolaydownandrestmyheadproperly,butI’mfightinganoverwhelmingurgetodriftoff

tosleep.IknowIwon’tbeabletokeepmyeyesopenifIdo.

“Forthefirstcoupleofyears,whenyouusedtowritebackandtellmehowillhewas,Iwouldpray

itwasonlyamatteroftimeuntilhedidthedecentthingandgaveup.ButeventuallyIrealiseditwasn’t
goingtowork,soIhadtostepupmygame.InitiallyItoyedwiththeideaofhiringahitman,butitjust
seemedtooriskytoinvolvesomeoneelse,sothat’swhenIdecidedtoflyoverandkillhimmyself....It
feelsgoodtosharethiswithyou,Em.I’vehatednotbeingabletotalktoyouaboutthis.”

Asaltytearrunsdownmyfaceandontomylips.
“So,Igotafakepassportfromthedarkweb,whichistime-consuming,butmucheasierthanyou’d

think,andthenIboughtreturnticketstoLondon.OnceIhadeverythinginplace,ItoldMomIwasgoingto
SanFranciscoforafewdayswithcollegefriends.Shedidn’tasktoomanyquestions;Ilovethatabout
her.”

IwishIfeltstronger.AssoonasIfoundthattrophyIshouldhavesmashedmywayoutofhereand

thenknockedheroutwithit.

“WhenIarrivedintheUK,Imadesuretokeepmyhooduponthestreetincasetherewasany

CCTV.IknowLondonisbadforthat.IonlyputitdownwhenMikeopenedthedoor.Em,Ihardly
recognisedhim.Helookedawful.He’dputonweight,andhisfacewasallsunkenandgrey.IguessI’mto
blameforthat….Anyway,whenhesawme,hewassoovercomewithemotion,hecried.Thatmademe
feelbad,too.HereIwastokillhim,andheactuallycriedwithhappiness.”

Ibitemycheekhard.
“ItoldhimIwantedtostayinLondonsoIcouldhangoutwithyouguysbutIhadnomoney.Hetold

menottoberidiculousandgavemeallthedetailsforyourjointbankaccount.JustlikeIknewhewould.
Hetoldmetotransfersomemoneyintomyownaccount,buttherewasnowayIcoulddothat.That

would’veledthepolicestraighttome.WhatIneededtodowasemptythebankaccountwithoutmakingit
looksuspicious,soIleakedthedetailstoscammers.Iknowitsoundsharsh,butwithnoMike,andno
moneyintheaccount,Iknewyou’dhavetocomeandlivewithmeandMom.Iwasalwayslookingatthe
biggerpicture,Em.IknewonceyoucametoCalifornia,tothewarmthandsunshine,andmeandMom,
you’dfallinlovewiththeplacelikeIdidandneverwanttoleave.”

“AfterIgotthebankdetails,Ididn’tneedanythingelsefromhim.So,thatwaswhenIdidwhatI

neededtodo.”

Ipressthebackofmyhandtomymouthtoholdinasob.
“YouhavetounderstandIloveyouEmily,andIwoulddoanythingtoprotectyou.Iplannedtobeat

thehouseatatimewhenIknewyou’dbeatcollege.AfterIkilledhimIwasgoingtomakeananonymous
phonecalltothepolicesothey’dsealtheplaceoffandyouwouldn’thavetoseehimlikethat.Iwas
franticwhenyoushowedupearly.Inevermeantforyoutowitnessanyofthat,andInevermeanttohurt
you.Pleaseknowyou’rethelastpersonI’deverwanttohurt.”

Mynailspressintomypalms.Howcanshenotseehowmessedupthisis?
“Itwouldbehelpfulifyoucouldsaysomethingtoletmeknowyouunderstand.”
Ican’tholdmyheadupanylonger.Itfeelstooheavy.Igiveinandlaydownonthewoodenfloor.
Breathein.Pause.
Breatheout.
“Em,I’mgoingtoneedyoutotrackthatpersondownfromthelibraryforme.Theonewhosawmy

name….”

Hervoiceisfadinginandout.I’mnotsureifshe’smovingaround,orifmyearsareplayingtricks

onme.

“Weneedtoshutherupincaseshedecidestotellanyoneelse….”
Keepingmyeyesopenistoomucheffort.Iletthemfallclosed,desperatelytryingtostayawake

behindmyeyelids.

“IwantedtogetridofDominictoo,butIknewallhismoney,ourhouseandthesalonwouldendup

withhissickwife.Ithoughtwewerestuckwithhim,butwhenyoutoldmetheBritishpolicewere
involvingthelocalcopshere,IrealisedIneededtopointthefingerawayfromme.Thensomething
clicked.DominichadtheperfectmotivetokillMike.Idon’tknowwhyIneverthoughtofitbefore.He
wassojealousofMike,andIknewifIcouldsomehowgetthecopstoinvestigatehim,they’dseehis
emailstoMomandfindouthowdesperatehewasnottoloseher.Betterthanthat,I’dusedhislaptopto
searchforinformationonhowtogetholdofahitmanintheLondonarea.EventhoughI’ddeleteditfrom
hishistory,IknewanITexpertwouldfinditeasilyenough.So,Ithrewinsomeextrapiecesof
incriminatingevidence,amapoftheareawhereyoulived,andthosebankaccountdetails,andburied
themdeepinhislaptopcase.ThenItippedthecopsoffanonymously,tellingthem….”

Shestopstalkingabruptlyassomethingcrashesnearby.Itsoundslikeadoorhasbeensentflyingoff

itshinges.Myheartthumpswildly,snappingmysensesbacktolifebutIcan’tworkoutwhat’shappening
ontheothersideofthedoor.Iwanttotightenmygriponthetrophybutmyhandwon’tgripproperlyand
itfallsawayfromme.

Ihearfamiliarwordsbeingshouted.“Youhavetherighttoremainsilent….”
Police!ThankGod.
“Ifyougiveuptherighttoremainsilent,anythingyousaycanandwillbeusedagainstyouina

courtoflaw.Youhavetherighttoanattorney….”

There’sthescrapeofachairandthenadazzlinglightassomeonelandsontheirkneesbesideme.
“Shit!”
MyheartliftswhenIrealiseit’sNate’svoice.
“Whatdidshedotoyou,Em?”Hesoundsdistraught.

Ithurtstothink.“Myhead….”It’sallIcanmanage.
Hishandsarealreadyonme,movingblood-mattedhairtooneside.
“You’regoingtobealright.Helpiscoming,okay?Justhanginthere.”
“Ican’tfeel….”
Hesqueezesmyhand.“Staywithme,Em.Trytokeepyoureyesopen….”
They’rethelastwordsIhearbeforeitallgoesdark.

Chapter32

Iwakeuptothesmellofdisinfectant.Myvision’sblurrysoIcan’ttellwhereIam,butIknowI’m

lyinginabed.There’salotofnoisegoingonaroundme;peopletalking,machinesbeepingandfootsteps
echoingonthefloor.

There’sadullacheatthebackofmyhead.Iraisemyhandtofeelit,butabandageisintheway.
AmIinhospital?
HowdidIgethurt?
Isiftthroughmymemorydesperatelytryingtoremember.
IwasattheflatwithHarrietwhensomeonecalledmeonmyphone.Somethingaboutaname….
Harrietquizzedmeafter.Shewantedtoknowwhatthecallwasaboutandshegotangry.
Whydidshegetsoangry?
TheStarbuckscup…Harriet’snameonit.
Awaveofemotiongripsmeasthefulldetailsflashback.
Isqueezemyeyesshutandpressmyheadintothepillow.
NotHarriet.AnyonebutHarriet….
Ilaytherewithmyeyesshutforalongtime.IthinkImayhaveevendriftedbacktosleep.Thenext

thingI’mawareofisafeelingofpressureonmyarm.Iopenmyeyes,blinkacoupleoftimesandanurse
comesintoview.She’swearingablueV-necktunicoverawhitelong-sleevedtop.Shesmilesatme
whileshefiddleswithabloodpressurecuff.

“Areyoubackwithusnow,Emily?”HervoiceissoftandsoothingwithaCaribbeanlilt.
ItrytotalkbutmytongueispracticallystucktotheroofofmymouthsoIjustnod.
Shenotices.“LetmefinishdoingthisandI’llgetyouadrink,sweetie.”
“Thanks,”Imanagetocroak.
Sheraiseshereyebrowsandpointstomyleft.Iturntoseeacrumpled-lookingNateasleepina

visitor’schair.Hisheadisrestingonapillowwedgedbetweenthebackofthechairandthewallandhis
longlegsstretchoutinfrontofhim.

“He’sbeenhereeversinceyouwerebroughtin,”shesays.“We’vebeentellinghimtogohomeand

getaproperrest,buthewon’tleaveyourside.”

Shereleasesthepressureonthecuffandputsittoonesidebeforepouringmeacupofwaterand

tippingituptomymouth.“You’vegotagoodonethere.”SheglancesbackatNateandsmiles.“Holdon
tightlytothatone.”

Isiptheicywater,dribblingsomeofitdownmychin.“HowlonghaveIbeeninhere?”Iaskwhen

shepullsthecupaway.

“Threedays.”
“Really?”Icoughtotryandmakemyvoicestronger,butallitdoesismakemyheadpound.“HaveI

beenunconsciousallthattime?”

Sheshakesherhead.“You’vebeeninandout.Butthisisthefirsttimeyou’vebeenfullycoherent.

I’mgoingtofetchthedoctorinaminutesoshecandoherchecks.”

“Em?”IturntoseeNaterisingfromhischair.Histopiscreasedandhishair’sallmessedup,buthe

lookssogoodittakesmybreathaway.Igivehimawobblysmile.

ThenursesmilesatNateandthenbacksoutthroughthecurtain.
Nateleansoverthebed,hiseyesfilledwithconcern.“Hey,howareyoufeeling?”
“I’vebeenbetter.”
“I’vebeenworriedaboutyou,”hesaysfrowning.“Doyourememberwhyyou’reinhospital?”
Iclosemyeyesandinhale.“Yes.”
Ifeelthewarmthfromhishandashesmoothshairawayfrommyface.“Harriet’sincustodynow

andDominichasbeenreleased.”

Isniff.“Good.”
“Rachel’sbeencallingtoseehowyouare.Loisgavehermynumberwhensherangthecafé.”
Iopenmyeyes.“Hasshebeenintoseeme?”
Hislipsformasadsmileandheshakeshishead.
Ilookaway.
“Shesoundedreallychoked,”headds.“Itmustbehellhavingonedaughterinhospitalandtheother

arrestedformurder.Sheaskedmetogetintouchassoonasthere’sanynewssoI’lltexthertolether
knowyou’rebackwithus.”Hereachesforhisphone.

“Wait….”
Hishandstillsabovehispocket.
“Don’tcallher.”
Heraisesaneyebrow.“IthinkIshouldatleastletherknowyou’remakingsensenow.It’llputher

mindatrest….”

“Notyet.”
“Areyousure?”
Inod.“Ican’thandleseeingher.MaybeletherknowI’mokayoncevisitinghourshavefinished.”
Hegivesahalf-smile.“Ifshe’sanythinglikemeshewon’tcareaboutvisitinghours.”
“She’snotlikeyou,Nate.She’snothinglikeyou.”
Hesagsandpusheshisphonedeeperintohispocket.“Okay.Whateveryouthink’sbest.”
“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.
Hestepscloserandsitsonthesideofthebed,thefaintsmellofhisaftershavefamiliarand

comforting.Hereachesformyhandandplacesitbetweenbothofhis.“Harriet’sadmittedeverything,”he
says.“KillingbothmenandframingDominic….”

Iraisemychin.“Bothmen?”
“Oh,right.Youwouldn’tknowabouttheotherone.”Hegivesasmallshakeofhisheadlikehecan’t

quitebelievewhathe’ssaying.“Harrietkilledherdad,too.”

Thepoundinginmyheadintensifies.
“ShetoldthepolicethatwhensheandyourmommovedbacktoCalifornia,oneofthefirstthingsshe

didwastrackdownherbirthfatherandkillhim.”

“Jesus,”Iwhisper.“Shewouldhaveonlybeenaroundfifteen.”
Herakesahandthroughhishairandnods.“Herdadwasanaddictandlivingonthestreetsandthe

policedidn’tinvestigateitthoroughlyatthetime.Theyputitdowntoarandomstreetcrime,but
everythingshesaidcheckedout.Theyhavenodoubtshe’stellingthetruth.”

Ishudder.“She’sbatshitcrazy,isn’tshe?”
NatesqueezesmyhandandIclosemyeyesforamoment,concentratingonthecomfortofhistouch.
“Iknowit’salottogetyourheadaround,”hesays.“Butyou’llbeokay,Em.”
Ichewtheinsideofmylipandlookathim.
“Andwhenyou’renotokay,I’llbehereforyou.”Hegivesmeasmallsmile.

“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.“Andthankyouforbeingtherewhenitreallymattered.”
Hesqueezesmyhandalittlebitharder.
Iclearmythroat.“Nate,whatmadeyoucomebackearlythatday?Ithoughtyou’dcalledtosaythe

carbrokedownandyouweregoingtobelate?”

“Ilied.WhenHarrietansweredyourphone,shehadthisweirdtonegoingonandIknewsomething

wasn’tright.ThenIheardyoushoutinginthebackground.”

Mylipswobble.“Youheardthat?”
Henods.“SoItoldherthecarbrokedown;pretendedthatwasthereasonIwascalling.Ididn’t

wanthertopanicanddosomethingstupid.RileycalledthecopswhileIjumpedeveryredlighttoget
backtothecaféasquickasIcould.”

Myvoicecomesoutallchoked,“Thankyousomuch.”
“Youdon’tneedtothankme,Em.Idon’tknowwhatI’ddoifanythinghappenedtoyou.”

Chapter33

OneMonthLater

Nate,LoisandRileyhavebeenagreatsourceofcomforttomeoverthelastfourweeks.They’ve

beenkindandpatient,especiallyNatewho’slistenedtomerantonaboutHarriet,sometimeslateintothe
night.Ihaven’tgotaroundtomovingbackinwithRachel…Momyet.I’mnotevensurewhattocallher
thesedays.Anyway,NateandRileyinsistedIcarryonlivingatthecaféafterIcameoutofhospital,soI
did.Mostnights,RileystaysatLois’anyway,sohe’shappywiththearrangement.

ItwouldbeperfectifIdidn’thavesuchstrongfeelingsforNate.SometimesIcan’tsleepatnight

becauseIknowhe’ssoclose.Iachetobewithhim.Ifhecametomeatnight,Ihonestlydon’tknowifI’d
havethestrengthtosendhimaway.

Twice,whenRiley’sbeenatLois’,I’vegotupinthemiddleofthenightandstoodoutsideNate’s

bedroomdoor.Luckily,bothtimes,commonsenseprevailedandIdraggedmyselfbacktomyownroom.I
knowmyhead’snotintherightplacetohavearelationshipwithNate,notaftereverythingthat’s
happened.He’sbeenmyrock;mychinkoflightamidallthecraziness.Ican’tbearthethoughtofmessing
himaroundandhurtinghimagain.

AndIthinkmyworld’sjustabouttogetcrazier.
Harriet’sbeenbeggingtoseeme…inprison.
She’ssaidthere’ssomethingimportantsheneedstotellme.
IfeelIalreadyheardenoughwhenshebarricadedmeinthecupboard.Butonemonthon,Ihaveto

admitcuriosityhasgotthebetterofme.I’vedecidedI’llvisitheronce,andonceonly.Plus,thetherapist
Natepersuadedmetoseesaiditwillhelptogivemeclosure.Apparentlyburyingmyemotionsandletting
themfesterisn’thealthy.

Nate’sdrivingmetothefacilityinhisMustang.Theroofisdownasusual,butit’sanungodlyhour

andthere’sacoolwindwhippingmyhairacrossmyface.Iscrapemyhairbackandfixitinaponytail
beforepressingbackintomyseat.

Asweleavetheoceanbehind,IdoamentalchecklisttomakesureI’vecompliedwitheverythingon

theprison’slonglistofdosanddon’ts:Don’twearmetaljewellery,dotakephotographicID,don’tdress
inanythingtootight,don’tdressinanythingresemblingthecorrectionalofficers’uniform,don’tdressin
anythingresemblingtheprisoners’orangeoutfit–asif.Thelistgoeson.I’mprettysuremypatternedshirt
andblackjeansdon’tviolateanyrules.

Natereachesoutandputshishandontopofmine.“Iknowyou’redreadingthis,Em,butremember,

ifyoudon’tlikewhatshe’ssaying,youdon’thavetostayandlisten.Youdon’toweheranything.”

“Iknow.”Isqueezehishandasthedune-colouredfacilityappearsonthehorizon.
It’snotlongbeforeNatepullstheMustangintoaparkingspaceandkillstheengine.Coachupon

coachfillstheparkinglot.

Natetwistsaroundtolookatme.“Areyousureyou’rereadyforthis?”
Iblowoutadeepbreathandnod.“Ithinkso.”
“It’snottoolatetobackout.”
Ilaugh.“Butwe’vecomeallthisway.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
“No,”Isay,stretchingmyneckout.“Ineedtodothis.”
“Okay.”Hegivesmeasmileofencouragement.“I’llberightherewaitingforyouwhenyoucome

backout.”

Ileanovertokisshimonthecheek.“Thankyou,Nate.”ThenIclimboutofmyseatandraiseboth

arms,attemptingtostretchawaythediscomfortofthreehours’driving.

IturnandgiveNateafinalwavebeforefollowingseveralgroupsofpeopletowardsthevisitors’

entrance.

Insideit’sabitlikeanairport,exceptthestaffaremoredisapproving.Ijoinaqueueandwhenit’s

myturn,putmybagintoabuckettobex-rayed.

Idon’tmindbeingaskedtotakemysneakersoff,butI’mabitshockedwhenI’maskedtoremovemy

braandshakeitout.Imanagetounhookitandslideitthroughthearmofmyshirtwithoutexposing
myself.Astockyfemalecorrectionalofficerswipesametaldetectorovermebeforepattingmedown.
Thenshetellsmetounbuttonmypants,trouserstome,beforerunningherglovedfingersaroundthe
waistline.Next,I’maskedtoremovemyhairbandandshakeoutmyponytail.Myhair’sstillwildfromthe
journeyandafterIshakeitout,IdreadtothinkwhatIlooklike.

“Openyourmouth,”theofficerinstructs.Shesoundsbored.She’sprobablysaidthesamethinga

hundredtimesalreadythismorning.

Iopenmymouth.
“Wider.”
IopenmymouthaswideasIcanandtrynottogagassheswipesherfingersinside.SatisfiedI’m

nothidinganythinginthere,shepointsmeinthedirectionofyetanotherqueuewhereI’maskedtohand
overmypassportbeforemyhandgetsanultravioletstampandI’missuedwithapass.

Ittakesatleastanhourforthisprocesstounfold.After,I’mherdedintoagroupofaroundtenadults,

plustwochildren.Amonsterofaprisonguardstandsinfrontofus,histanshirtstretchedtightacrosshis
belly.

“MayIhaveyourattention,please.”Hebarks,usingtherhythmofadrillsergeant.“Visitorsmay

onlyembraceandkissinmatesbrieflyatthebeginningandconclusionofthevisit.Inbetweentimes,
visitorsandinmatesmayholdhandsacrossthetable.Thisistheonlycontactpermittedbetweenadult
visitorsandinmates.Ifyouattempttomakeanymorecontactthanstated,yourvisitwillbeterminated
immediately.Doyouunderstand?”

Theothersmurmurtheydo,butIdon’tsayanything.Lackofcontactisnotgoingtobeaproblemfor

me.

Wefollowtheprisonguardoutoftheprocessingcentre,throughasecurebarbed-wireenclosureand

intotheprison’smainyard.Thenheleadsusthroughanothersecuredoorandintoahugeroomwhere
tablesandchairshavebeensetout.IlookaroundforHarriet,butonlyvisitorsappeartobeseatedatthe
moment.

Aguardsitshighonapodium,hisbeadyeyesscanningtheroom,whileotherspacethefloorslowly,

eyeingthevisitorsupanddown.Inoticesurveillancecameraseverywhere;hardlysurprising,butit
makesmefeelself-conscious.

Anofficerstoodatthedoorchecksourpassesanddirectsustotables.I’mgladtobeseatedata

smalltabletuckedawayinthecorner.

Atthefarsideoftheroomisalongtablewithafewchildren’stoysthatlooklikethey’veseenbetter

days,aMonopolybox,aYahtzeebox,severalcopiesoftheBible,theKoranandtheTorahaswellas
variouschildren’sbooks.Inthecorneraretwovendingmachines;oneservinghotdrinksandtheother
stackedwithcandy,snacksandcolddrinks.

There’sashiftintheroomasthedooroppositeourentranceopensandseveralprisonerswalk

throughlookinglikeextrasfromOrangeistheNewBlack.Onegirl’sfaceiscoveredintattoos,and
anotherscowlsasshepeersaroundtheroom.Imakesurenottocatchanyone’seye.

Harrietisthefourthpersontobebroughtout.
Shehasn’tspottedmeyetsoIhavetheluxuryofwatchingherunobserved.She’slostweight.Her

jumpsuithangsoffherandherfacelookspinchedanddrawn.NotthatI’mconcernedabouther.

Assoonassheseesme,herfacelightsup.Shesayssomethingtotheguardandpointsinmy

directionandtheywalkover.

SheheadsformysideofthetableandIshrinkbackinmyseat,shakingmyhead.She’smistakenif

shethinksIwanttohugorkissher.

Herfacedropsandshestepsbackbeforeslumpingdownonthechairopposite.
“Rememberladies,”theguardsays,leaningbetweenuslikeareferee.“Onlyholdinghandsis

permitted.”ShelooksfrommetoHarriet,nodsandthenwalksaway.

Ituckmyhandsundermylegs.
Harrietclearsherthroat.“Thankyousomuchforcoming,Em.It’sreallygoodtoseeyou.”
Igiveherasmallnod.
“So,howhaveyoubeen?”
“Fine.”
Silencehangsbetweenus.Ihavenointentionofaskinghowsheis.AllIwanttodoistofindout

what’ssoimportantshehadtocallmein.

Harrietscratchesatherface.“Momsaidshehasn’tseenmuchofyoulately.”
Ishrug.“I’vebeentoseeheracoupleoftimes.”
“Twiceinfourweeks….Comeon,Em,youhavetodobetterthanthat.I’mrelyingonyoutomake

sureshe’sokaynowI’mnotaround.”

Idigmyfingernailsintomypalms.“Likeshe’salwaysbeenthereforme,youmean?”
“She’sill,Em.Youhavetotakethatintoconsideration.”
“OhIhavetakenthatintoconsideration,Icanassureyou.Anyway,she’llbefine.Shewastellingme

Dominic’swifehasn’tgotlonglefttolive,soshe’llhavehimalltoherselfsoon.”

ColourrushestoHarriet’scheeks.Iknewthatwouldsting.Shepressesherlipstogetherandinhales

deeply.It’safewmomentsbeforeshespeaksagain.“So,whataboutyou,areyoustillworkingat
O’Shea’s?”

Inod.
“Withthatbosswhothinkshe’sGod’sgifttowomen?”
I’mnotgoingtodignifythatcommentwitharesponse.
Sheleansforward.“Didhebringyouheretoday?”
Inarrowmyeyes.“Ididn’tcomeheretotalkaboutNate….”
Harrietslumpsbackinherchairandwesitinuncomfortablesilenceagain.Hereyesflitaroundthe

roomandsettleonthevendingmachines.“Howaboutacoffee?”

Ishakemyhead.“Notforme.”
“WellIwouldn’tmindone.Haveyoubroughtanymoneywithyou?”
“No.”

“Oh.”Shesighs.“Youneedtoremembertobringsomenexttime….”
Ilockeyeswithher.“Therewon’tbeanexttime,Harriet.”
Herjawdrops.
“DoyoureallythinkIwanttobehere?”
“Whywouldn’tyou….”
“Ionlycametofindoutwhatyouhadtosaythatwassoimportant.That’sit.So,I’dappreciateitif

youcouldgettothepointsoIcanhurryupandleave.”Ichewtheinsideofmycheekandlookaroundthe
room.Anywherebutather.

Shesighs.“I’mnotabadperson,Em.MaybeIdidabadthing,butthatdoesn’tmakemeabad

person.”

“Youdidmorethanonebadthing….”
Herforeheadcreases.“Ionlydidonebadthingthataffectedyou.AndIdiditforagoodreason.”
“Youkilledmydad.Howcanyoupossiblyjustifythat?”
Sheholdsmygaze.“Karma.”
Idon’tspeak.I’mexpectinghertocarryontalking,soIcanbegintounderstandwhyshedidwhat

shedid.Buthermouthstaysclosed.

Iscrewmyfaceup.“Karma?”
Shenods.“YoudoknowwhatKarmais,right?”
Ican’tevenbringmyselftoanswer.
“Karmaisthebeliefthateveryactdone,nomatterhowinsignificant,willeventuallyreturntothe

doerwithequalimpact.Goodwillbereturnedwithgood;evilwithevil.Mydadwasevil,Em.Hedidn’t
hangaroundforfiveminutesafterMomgotpregnant.That’swhenherillnessfirstspiralledoutofcontrol.
Thatbastard’sresponsibleforherbeingsomessedup.”

“Whataboutmydad?Hedidnothingwrong.Hewasagoodmanandhelovedyoulikeyouwerehis

own….”

“Igotridofhimbecausehewasselfish.Hesplitusupbyrefusingtoletyoucomehere.Heshould

haverealisedyoudidn’tbelongwithhim.Youbelongedherewithus.”

Ishakemyhead.“Youdon’tgetit,doyou?Hedidn’tstopMomtakingmetoCaliforniatospiteher.

Hestoppedhertakingmebecausehehatedthethoughtofnotseeingmeanymore.”

Harrietnarrowshereyes.“Butheshould’vebeenthinkingofyou.Heshould’verealisedyou’dbe

happierwithus.”

“No,Harriet….”AsIspeakmyvoicegetslouder.“Iwouldn’thavebeenhappierbecauseI’dhave

beendevastatedleavinghimbehind.”

Theguardwhoescortedmeinwalksover,foldshisarmsandlooksdownatme.“Keepyourvoice

down,ma’am.”

Ifrown.“Sorry.”
Harrietglaresathimashewalksaway.
“WhataboutDominic–youtriedtoframehimforDad’smurder.Hedidn’tdeservethat.”
“Dominic’scheatingonhissickwife,isn’the?He’shardlyagoodman.”Harrietslinksbackinher

seat.“Youneedtounderstandmenareallthesame.Theyallhurtyoueventually.”

“So,whataboutyou,Harriet?WhathappenswhenKarmacatchesupwithyou?”
Shewrinkleshernose.
“You’vemurderedtwopeople.Willthoseactsreturntoyouwithequalimpact?”
Shelooksaroundandherlipstwistintoacrookedsmile.“Whatdoyouthinkthisplaceis?Aholiday

camp?”

Ilookdownatmyhands.I’mnotsurehowmuchmoreofthisIcantake.
“Areyoustartingtoseethingsfrommysidenow,Em?HowIonlykilledmydadbecauseofwhathe

didtoMomandhowIonlykilledyourdadbecauseofwhathedidtoyou….”

IlookupattheclockandwonderhowlongI’mstuckherefor.
“DoyouwanttohearwhyItriedtoruinNate’sbusiness?”
Notreally.
“Itwasbecausehewasgreedy.Hewantedyouforhimself.Hewasdraggingyouawayfromusand

we’donlyjustgotyouback.Howisthatfair?Hehadn’tbeenmissingyouforthelastfiveyearslikewe
had.”

Sheleansbackinherchairmakingitcreak.“IthoughtIcouldjustleavethebadreviewsandputhim

outofbusinesssoyou’dhavetoleavehim,butthatdidn’twork,didit?So,Idecidedtostepupmy
game….”

Myeyesflickuptomeethers.
“ThisiswhyIaskedyoutocomehere.ThisiswhatIneedtotellyou.”
“So,spititoutthen,”Isay,bracingmyselfforwhatevershe’sabouttotellme.“Whatdoyoumean

bystepupyourgame?”

Sheleansforward,placesherpalmsflatonthetableandspreadsherfingers.“Ican’ttellyouexactly

whatI’mplanning.Thatwouldbestupid.AndpleaseunderstandIdon’tlikekeepingsecretsfromyou.
Butthisismyinsurance.Ineedtoknowyou’llstopseeinghim,andIneedtoknowyou’llkeepcoming
heretoseeme.”

Mypulseincreases.“Youcan’tdothis,Harriet.Youcan’tstartthrowingaroundthreatsagainstNate.

I’lltelltheprisonstaff,orthepolice,orwhoeverIneedto….”

Sheshrugs.“I’lldenyeverything.”Sheflickshereyesovertothenearestguard.“Anyway,whathave

Igottolose?”

“You’recrazyifyouthinkyoucancontrolmylifelikethat.”
“No,I’mnot.IfIwasontheoutside,I’dgototheendsoftheearthtoprotectyou,Em.”Shelooks

aroundher.“ButI’mstuckinthisshithole,soIneedyoutosortoutafewthingsforyourself.Ineedyouto
jackinyourjobatthatcaféandIneedyoutotellNatetostaythehellawayfromyou.Promisemeyou’ll
dothat.”

Ishakemyhead.“No.”
“Youhavetopromiseme....”
“I’mnotdoingthat.”
Herfacegoesred.“Areyouhavingtroubleunderstandingme?Hewon’tbesafe.”
Inarrowmyeyes.“Youdon’tgettocontrolmylifeanymore,Harriet.Youcan’tmessthingsupfor

menowyou’reinhere.”

“IfyoustayatthatcaféwithNate,thenyou’llberesponsibleforwhathappenstohim.Youdon’t

wantthatonyourconscience,doyou?”

Ishakemyhead,ablanketofcalmwrappingitselfaroundme.“NothingisgoingtohappentoNate.”
Veinspopuponherneck.“Itwill.I’llmakesureofit.”
Istandupandcatchthenearestguard’seye.“CanIleavenow?”
Helooksathiswatch.“Thevisit’sover?”
“No,”Harrietsays.“Sitbackdown,Em.”
“I’mafraiditis.”IignoreHarrietanddirectmycommenttotheguard.“She’sstartedmakingthreats

againstmyfriend.”

Henodsandmakesa‘comehere’motiontoanotherguardwhowalksstraightover.
“Em,whatareyoudoing?”Harriet’seyesdartbetweenmeandtheguard.“Youhavetoatleast

promiseyou’llcomebackandvisit.ApartfromyouandMom,I’vegotnoone.”

Inod.“Whichmeansyouhavenoinfluenceontheoutsideworld.I’mgoingtocarryonworkingand

livingatO’Shea’s.Natewillbeperfectlysafeandthere’snothingyoucandoaboutit.”

TheguardstandsinfrontofHarriet.“Standup.”
Sheignoreshimandglaresatme.“Ifyoudon’tleavehim,Iguaranteehewon’tbesafe.”
“Standup,”theofficersays,louderthistime.
Ishakemyhead.“Natewillbefine.”
Shejumpsoutofherseat.“I’llputahitonhim.”Spitfliesfromhermouthassheshouts.Shetriesto

lungeatmeacrossthetable,buttheguardistooquickforher.Hegrabsher,pullinghersidewaysand
dragshertotheground.TheotherguardpinsherdownandIwatchas,kickingandscreaming,they
managetocuffherandputherinlegrestraints.

Betweenthem,theypullherupintoastandingposition.Herfaceisscarletandshe’spantingwith

rage.“Yousaidyouwouldneverletanythingcomebetweenusagain.Youpromised,Em.”

“Yeah,well,youkindofchangedtherules.”
Theguardsstartmoving,draggingherawayfrommetowardstheexit.Shetwistsherneckasfaras

shecantofaceme.

“Don’tyoudaregobacktohim.Doyouhearme?”
Ilookaway.I’mdonetalkingtoher.
Hershoutsandprotestsreverberatearoundthefourwallsuntilshe’sremovedfromtheroomandthe

doorslamsbehindthem.

ItrytoignorethelooksfromtheinmatesandvisitorsasI’mescortedoutoftheroomandbacktothe

visitor’scentrewhereIgothroughthetediousformalitiestoexittheprison.Duringtheprocess,Ireflect
onmyvisitwithHarrietandI’mhitwithseveralrealisations.

I’verealisedasmuchasIloveandmissmydad,thereisnothingIcandotobringhimback.

Sometimesthegriefbringsmetomyknees–Ican’tseethatstoppinganytimesoon,butIneedtokeep
puttingonefootinfrontoftheotherandlivethebestlifeIcan,inhonourofhim.

God,IwishhewasheretomeetNate,he’dhavelovedhim.
I’verealisedmyrelationshipwithmymomisnothealthy,andit’snotmyfault.ButIunderstandshe’s

illandit’snotherfaulteither.It’sgoingtotaketimeandpatienceonbothsidesforustofindawayback
together.

AndI’verealisedit’stimetoletgoofmytoxicpast.
WhenI’mbackoutsideintheCaliforniasunshine,IseeNatebentoverthefrontofhiscar,tinkering

withtheengineandIsmiletomyself.

Icreepbehindhim,wrapmyarmsaroundhisneck,pressmyfaceintohisskinandinhalehisaroma.

Hishandsstillontheengineashetwiststofaceme.Amusementflickersinhiseyesbutthere’saquestion
markinhisexpression.

Itakeadeepbreath.“Despitemybestintentions,itappearsI’vefallenhopelesslyinlovewithyou,

NateO’Shea.”

Hepullshisheadbackandseveralemotionsflickeracrosshisface.JustasI’mbeginningtowonder

ifI’vemisjudgedthesituationhesmiles,creatingthosemagicdimplesashebendsforwardandmeetsmy
lipsfullon.

TheEnd

SoulProtector

byAmandaLeighCowley

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005CNGEGY

Whenyoulookinthemirrorwhodoyousee?

Graciebelievedshewasaregulargirllivingaregularlife.

Shedidn'tknowshepossessedthepowertoinfiltratepeople’sminds.
Shedidn'tknowthatpowerwouldendangerherlife.
Shedidn’tknowshewouldfallinlovewithherabductor.
AndshehadabsolutelynoideawhataSoulProtectorwas
…untilnow.

“Whatacrackingbook!Absolutelylovedit!Anexciting,interesting,fabulous,paranormalromance.”–KimtheBookworm

“Thepacingofthestoryisswiftandengaging,leadingusthroughGracie'spersonaltumultsasshefallsfartherintotheSPworldwhereshe
belongs.”–StephanieJudice,authorofRising

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London

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