Thisisaworkoffiction.Similaritiestorealpeople,places,oreventsareentirelycoincidental.

FOURWEEKFIANCE2

Firstedition.December15,2015.

Copyright©2015J.S.CooperandHelenCooper.

ISBN:978-1940218557

WrittenbyJ.S.CooperandHelenCooper.

FourWeekFiancé2

HelenCooper&JSCooper

ThesequeltoFourWeekFiance.

JointheJSCooper

MailingListhere

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TableofContents

ChapterOneTJ
ChapterTwoMila
ChapterThreeMila
ChapterFourTJ
ChapterFiveTJ
ChapterSixMila
ChapterSevenTJ
ChapterEightMila
ChapterNineTJ
ChapterTenMila
ChapterElevenTJ
ChapterTwelveMila
ChapterThirteenMila
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteenMila
ChapterSixteenTJ
ChapterSeventeenTJ

ChapterOne

TJ

FiveYearsAgo

“He’ssohot,sodelicious.Ijustwanttomeltintohisarms.”Milawassittingonthecouch,giggling
onthephoneasIwalkedoutofthekitchenwithtwobeers.Istoodinthehallwayandwatchedheras
shelaybackandrestedherheadononeofthebrightyellowthrowpillowsthatMrs.Brookstonehad
adorningherbrightgreencouch.Mrs.B.certainlydidn’thavethemutedtastesofaPotteryBarn
loverlikemymotherhad.

“No,hedoesnotwanttodothat.”Sherolledhereyesasshespoke,ahugegrinonherface.

“Sally,stop.”ShelaughedagainandIwonderedwhatandwhotheyweretalkingabout.Asmallsmirk
gracedmyfaceasIwonderediftheyweretalkingaboutme.Iclangedthebottlestogetherbymistake
andtensedasMilarealizedtherewassomeoneintheroomwithher.

“Whatareyougrinningat,TJ?”Mila’sfacedartedtomine,herbigbrowneyesmurderousasshe

sawmestandingthere.

“Nothing.”Ishookmyheadandheldupmybeer.“Justgettingsomecoldbrewsformeand

Cody.”

“You’dbetternotbeeavesdroppingonme,”shesaid,hervoiceweakerthistimeandherbeautiful

faceredwithembarrassment.Somaybeshehadbeentalkingaboutme.

“Idon’teavesdrop.”Ishookmyheadandwalkedtowardsher.Herlongblondhairwastiedupin

aponytailandshewaswearingapairofgymshortswithawhiteT-shirt—typicalattireforahigh
schoolgirl.

“Sureyoudon’t,”shesaidandlickedherlipsnervously.“Hey,Sally,letmecallyoubackina

minute,”shesaidquickly,puttingthephonedownonthecouchandjumpingup.“Whatdoyouwant,
TJWalker?”

“ToknowhowhotanddeliciousyouthinkIam?”Iaskedwithasmallsmileandwinkedather.
“Ooh,you’reabrute.”Hereyeswidenedandshewalkedtowardsmewithherhandoutand

punchedmeinthearm.“ForyourinformationIwasn’ttalkingaboutyou.”

“Ohno?”Iasked,mylipscurlingupasIstaredatherheavingchest.Ismiledatheragain,my

eyesteasingher,asshegotallhotandflustered.

“No,Iwastalkingaboutmyboyfriend.”SheglaredatmeandInodded.
“Sure.”
“Iwas.”Sheblushedanditwasthenthatthedoorbellrang.Shehurriedawayfrommetoopenthe

doorandIsawsomeyoungpunkstandingthere,reachinginandgivingherahug.Thesmilefell
frommyfaceasshehuggedtheguyback.Maybeshehadn’tbeentalkingaboutmeafterall.Maybe
she’dbeentalkingaboutthisguy.

IturnedawaywithoutasecondglanceandwalkedbacktoCody’sroom.Thereweretworeasons

whyIwasn’tevengoingtoletitbotherme.Onereasonwasbecauseshewastooyoung.Ididn’tdate
ordohighschoolgirls.ThesecondreasonwasbecauseshewasCody’ssister.He’dflipaswitchifI
didanyofthethingsI’dliketodowithher.

Iopenedthedoortohisroomandwalkedinandhandedhimhisbeer,mymindstillonMila,

wonderingwhatshewasthinkingaboutlettingthatpunkdo.Itookaswigofbeerandtriedtogether
offofmymind.Oneday,I’dhavemychanceandthenshe’dknowjusthowscorchinghotIreally
was.

CurrentDay

“Mila,I’mback.”Iwalkedtowardsherandsmiledassheturnedherheadtolookatme,hereyes

wideandanxious.“Whydoyoulooksoshockedtoseemeback?DidyouthinkIwasgoingtoleave
youhere?”

“Ididn’tknowwhattothink,”shesaidasshestartedtogetup.
“Don’tmove.”Iputahanduptostopherandshookmyhead.“We’renotdoneyet.”
“Wheredidyougo?”sheaskedwhileshestoodup.Ihadtosmileatherdisobedience,thoughI

wasslightlyannoyed.Tobefair,myannoyancewasmorebornoffear.WhatifMilahadfollowedme
downstairsandseenBarbieandmydadinhisoffice?Whatwouldshehavethoughtandsaid?The
sinkingfeelinginmystomachtoldmethatIknewexactlywhatwouldhavehappenednextifshe’d
seenthem.

“Iwenttogetthis.”Iheldupthevibratorandshowedittoher.Icouldseeherlookingattheobject

inmyhandscuriouslyandthensheblushedassherealizedwhatitwas.

“Really,TJ?”shesaidandbitherlowerlipasshelookedintomyeyes.“Beingonarooftop

wasn’tenough?”

“No.”Ishookmyheadandwalkedtowardsher,mytonguedartingoutofmymouthtolickmy

lipsasIstaredatherbeautifulandenchantingfacethatgazedatmesoexcitedly,thoughIcouldtell
shewastryingtohideit.

“TJ,thisseemsdangerous.”
“What’sdanger,really?”Iasked,myquestioncompletelyserious,thoughIdidn’tthinksheknew

that.Shedidn’tknowthatIwaswalkingonatightropeandthatIwasscaredthatmyequilibriumwas
goingtogiveatanymoment.

“Dangerisbeingperchedonthesideofaroof,practicallynaked.Dangerisfallingoffsaidroof,

naked.Dangerisfeelinglikeyou’reflyingwhenyou’reperchedontheedgeoftheworldandyou
don’thavewings.I’mnotIcarus.”Shelookedatmepointedly.

“Practicallynakedandnakedaretwodifferentthings,”IsaidwithagrinasIreachedherand

grabbedaholdofherhands.TheywerecoldandslightlyshakyandIrealizedthatperhapsshewas
slightlyscaredofthesituationwewerein.“Areyouscared?”Myeyesnarrowedonherface.“Idon’t
wanttodothisifyou’renotcomfortable.”

“Whowouldbecomfortabledoingthis?”sheaskedme,witharaisedeyebrow.Istaredbackat

her,andtheteasinglightinherbrowneyesconfusedme.Iwasn’tsurewhatshewantedfromme.

“Sowhatdoyouwanttodo?”Iasked,waitingforheranswer.Shelickedherlipsnervouslyand

thenpulledherhandsawayfromme,gavemeasmallsmileandwalkedbackovertotheledgeofthe
roof.Iwatchedhergetdownonherkneesandthenshelookedbackatme,herlonghairhangingover
hershoulderasshegavemeasensualsmile.

“I’mwaiting,”shesaidasshegazedatme.Istoodthereforafewsecondsdebatingwhattodo.

Butthen,IknewwhatIwasgoingtodo.Iwasgoingtomakeherbelievethatshehadwings.Iwas
goingtomakehersoar.Iwantedhertobelieveshecouldfly,yet,Iwasscared.Whatifmydadcame
tolookforme?WhatifBarbiecamewithhim?WhatifMilasawthemboth?She’dhavequestions,
demandanswersIdidn’twanttogive.AnswersthatIcouldn’tgive.Ifeltsomethinginsideofmestart
tofreezecoldwiththepositionIwasin.WhatwasIreallydoinghere?WhywasIplayingwiththis
fire?

Icouldjustwalkaway.Forgeteverything.Tellmydadno.TellMilaI’dmadeamistake.Tell

everyonethateverythingwasoff.Ididn’tknowhowmanytimesIcouldlookintoMila’swarmand
hopefulbrowneyeswithoutcrumbling.Thiswasn’twhatI’dexpected.Shewasgivingherselftome
openly,herheartonherarm.ThiswassomethingI’dnotpreparedfor.Couldshereallybeinlove

withme?Iknewthatshecouldn’treallybeinlovewithme,nottherealme.Shedidn’tknowwhoI
was.Notontheinside.Notevenreallyontheoutsideeither.Sheonlyknewthesideofmethatshe’d
beenshown.Iwasherbrother ’sbestfriend.Iwasthehandsomeolderguywhohadbeenthesubjectof
herdreamsformanyayearinhighschool.Iwasn’tsureaboutcollegeandIhadn’tevenbeensure
aboutnowuntilrecently.

Butnow—nowIknewthatMilahadfeelingsforme,oratleastthoughtshedid.Thatwaswhyshe

nowfoundherselfontopofarooftopwithme,waitingformetotakeher.

Myhandgravitatedtoherassunconsciously.Ifeltmyfingersrunningupherback,enjoyingthe

feelofherslightlyshiveringskin,soaliveandawaketome.ImovedmyfingersuphigherandI
couldfeelherheartbeatingthroughanerveinherneck.Thump,thump,thump.Lifethatwasbreathing
formerightnow.

Herlipstrembledslightlyasshelookedbackatme,herexpressioncuriousasshewaitedtosee

whatwasgoingtohappennext.Iwantedtotakehersobadly.Iwantedtobendherover,grabaholdof
herhipsandslideintohersohardthatshewouldn’tevenrememberwhatitfeltlikeformetonotbe
insideofher.

Icoulddoitsoeasily.ShewantedmeasbadlyasIwantedher.Nomatterhowdepravedthe

situationwasshewasstillgoingalongwithit.Shewasgoingtoletmefuckheronthisrooftop.It
excitedmeandsentsuchathrillthroughmyveinsthatIwasn’tsurehowIwasabletoresisther.

Herbreastsglistenedinthelight,glowingatme,beckoningmeintotouchher.Justonetouch.My

fingerscaressedhernipple,andwebothstilled.Ileanedforwardtokissher,herlipssoftandsweet
nexttomine.

“I’mready,TJ,”shesaid,swallowingslightly,hereyesopen,wide,innocent.
“Iknow,”Isaidandlickedherlipsbeforesteppingback.“Iknow.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”Shefrowned,lookingatmewithaperplexedexpression.Iwatchedasher

browsfurrowedandherlipsturnedupinanalmostpetulantexpression.

Ilovedstaringatherface.Ilovedlookingatherexpressionsandtryingtoguesswhatshewas

thinking.SometimesIjustlookedatherfromacrosstheroom.ItwassomethingthatI’dbeendoing
formanyyears.Justwatchingher.SometimesitwaswhenshewatchedTV,sometimeswhenshewas
laughingwithherfriends,sometimeswhenshewasarguingwithCody,andothertimeswhenshewas
talkingtoNonno.IlovedwatchingherwithNonno.ItstirredsomethinginmethatIdidn’treally
understand,butIlovedtowatchthetwoofthemtogether;soeasy,sorelaxed,soloving.Sometimes
shewouldcrawlintohisarmsandhewouldrubherheadandsingsongstoherinItalian.She’dstare
athimsoadoringlyandmyheartwouldpauseforasecond.ThenIwouldhavetolookaway.Ididn’t
wanttobeacreep,andwatchingherwhenshewasinsuchaperfectmomentalwaysmademefeelthat
way.

“Ithinkthiswasamistake,”Isaidandpursedmylipsather.“Weshouldn’thavecomeuphere.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Shegotupoffthegroundandbrushedoffherknees,thentooka

steptowardme.“Thiswasyourfantasy,right?Youchangedyourmind?”

“Ididn’tchangemymind.”Ishookmyhead,andwonderedifmydadandBarbiehadleftthe

officeyet.“Ijustdon’tthinkit’sagoodideaanymore.”

“Whynot?”sheaskedme,hertoneconfused,offendedandalittleangry.
“It’sjustnotsomethingIwanttodowithyourightnow.”
“Soyou’ddoitwithsomeoneelse,then?”HereyesnarrowedandItriednottosmileatthehintof

jealousyinhervoice.

“Maybe.”Ishrugged,answeringherhonestly.IwantedtobeashonestasIcouldwithher,even

thoughtheentiresituationwassofarfromhonest,itwasn’tevenfunny.

“Haveyoudoneitwithsomeoneelsebefore?”HereyesnarrowedasshegazedatmeandIcould

almostfeelthepalatabletensioninherbeing.

“Whyarewetalkingaboutthis?”Iaskedher,annoyed.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutanyother

women.Notnow.Ofcoursetherehadbeenotherwomen.Inconsequentialwomenthathadmeant
nothingtome.Notlikeher.Igrowledoutloudasthatthoughthitme.Shedidn’tmeananythingtome.
Imean,Ilikedher,caredforher,wasattractedtoher,likedtohearherlaugh,lovedtowatchher
smile,enjoyedsmellingherscent,wasaddictedtothetouchofherskin,softandsilkynexttomine.

Yes,IfeltmoreforherthanIhadtheothernamelesswomenI’dbeenwith.Butthatfeelingwasn’t

loveoranythingthatcouldgiveherwhatshecraved.Ijustwasn’tthatman.Iwasjustbitterandjaded
bylife,love,andrelationships,andasmuchasshemeanttome,IjustknewthatultimatelyIwould
disappointheranditwouldn’tworkout.

“IguessI’mreallyspecial,huh?”shesaid,herfaceatwistedmaskofhurtandslightbitterness.

“Howmanywomenhaveyouhaduponthisroofbeforeme?”

“Mila,”Isaidandgrabbedherhands.“Pleaselet’snotgothere.We’rehavingfunhere.”
“Weare?”Shegrabbedherhandsawayfrommeandshookherhead.Iwatchedasshegatheredup

herclothesandpulledthemonquickly.“Let’sjustgo.Iwanttogohome.”

“Mila,I’msorry.”Isighed,panichittingme.WhatifwecaughtupwithmydadandBarbie?“I

mean,istherereallyanyreasonformetotellyouwhatI’vedonewithotherwomeninthepast?”

“Iwasjustcurious.”Shesighedtooandlookedaway,herwholebodysuddenlyseemingtofallas

ifshewasacceptingsomesortofinevitabledefeat.

“Nothinginmypastmatters,”Isaidhonestly.“Weshouldn’tdwellonit.”
“I’mnottryingtodwellonanything.Ijustwanttoknow.Ijustwanttofeelspecial,”shesaid

softly,mumblingherwordssothatIcouldbarelyhearher.MyearsstrainedasItriedtoconcentrate
onherwordsandmyheartfeltapangofguilt.IwasbeingselfishwithwhatIwasdoing.Ihadtolet
herdowngently.Shehadtoknowthatthiswasn’taboutherself-worth.Iwantedmoreforherthan
this.Morethanme.Meandmyfantasiesanddesires.Shedeservedbetter.Eventhoughitkilledmeto
thinkofherwithsomeoneelse,smilingatsomeoneelse,touchingsomeoneelse.No,Ijustcouldn’t
thinkofit.Whenourrelationshipwasover,I’dhavetobanishherfrommylife.

“Youarespecial,Mila.You’rethemostspecialwomanintheworld.”Igrabbedherarmsand

pulledhertowardsme,holdinghersoclosetomethatIcouldfeelherheartbeatingnexttomine.

AllofasuddentheEECummingspoem,“ICarryYourHeartwithMe,”poppedintomymind.I

carryyourheartwithme,Icarryitinmyheart,IthoughttomyselfasIclosedmyeyesandheldher
tome.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutwhatthatmeant.Itwasmostprobablybecausewe’dbeenfriendsfor
years.She’dalmostbeenlikemyyoungersister.Someonetoprotectfromtheharshrealitiesofthe
worldandsomeonetoteasemercilessly.

“Makelovetome,TJ,”shewhisperedupatmeurgently.“Makelovetomesothatwecanfly.”
“Youwanttofly?”Iaskedhersoftly.
“Ifyou’rethepilot,thenyes.”Shelookedupatmewithanimpishsmilethattuggedonmy

heartstrings.

“I’llbeyourpilot,”Igrowledandleaneddownandkissedherhungrily.Shekissedmeback

eagerlyandlaughedasIlickedherlips.IlaughedbackatherandIcouldfeelmymoodrelaxingasI
realizedourawkwardmomentwasover.ThetensionwasgonefromthemomentandIcouldfeelthe
excitementburningthroughmybodyagain.

“You’resoromantic,TJ,offeringtoflymearoundtheworld,”shesaid,teasingme.“Wherewill

youflymetofirst?Australia,England,SouthAfrica,ormaybesomecutelittleislandinthe
Maldives?”

“You’dlikethattoomuch.”Igrinneddownather,feelinglight-hearted.“I’lltakeyousomewhere

overtherainbow.”

“Overtherainbow?”
“Yeah,somewherenooneelsecouldevertakeyou.”Iwinkedather.
“Inahelicopteroraplane?”
“Theonlyaircraftyou’llberidingonisme.”Myhandsreacheddownandcaressedherbreasts.

Shemurmuredslightlyasmyfingerspinchedhernipplesandmybodyreactedinstantly.“Iwantyou,
Mila,”Igrowledasmylipsfoundherneckandbitdown.“Oh,howIwantyou.”

“Thentakeme,”shebreathedout,hereyelashesfluttering.
“Come,”Isaid,grabbingherhandsandbringinghertotheedgeoftheroofagain.“Kneeldown

again,”Isaidandwatchedasshecompliedeasily.Ireacheddownandliftedherskirtupandtouched
her;shewasalreadywet.Wetinanticipationforme.MybodyshudderedandIfeltmyselfgrowing
hardasIcontinuedtotouchher.“Youwanttofeelmeinsideofyou,don’tyou?”Imassagedher
shiveringbudandIfeltlikeaking.Ihaddonethistoher.Ihadherlookingatmelikeshewoulddieif
Istoppedtouchingher.

“Yes,”shecriedoutasIpushedafingerinsideofher.“Please,TJ,please.”
Ipulledherbackupthenandpulledherintomyarms,kissinghersoftlybeforepullingherchin

uptolookatme.

“DoeverythingIsay,”Isaidsteadilyasshebreathedheavily.
“Okay.”Shenodded,gazingintomyeyes.
“Iwantyoutoholdthisagainstyourself,”IsaidasIhandedherthevibrator.“Iwantyoutoholdit

thereandIwantyoutobringyourselfpleasure,butyoumustnotcome.”

“Okay,”shesaidasshetookthevibratorfromme.
“I’llbeveryupsetifyoucome.”
“Imean,that’snotsomethingIcanhelp.”Shegiggledasshelookedupatme.
“Youonlycomeforme,”Isaid.“Yourorgasmsareformeandmycock.”
“Jealousofavibrator,TJ?”shesaidwithaslightflushassheglancedatme.
“Jealousisn’tquitetherightword.”
“What’stherightword,then?”
“Onyourknees,Mila,”Isaidgruffly.Iplacedmyjacketandshirtdownonthegroundforherto

reston.

“Soyoujustwantmetoholditbetweenmylegs?”Shelookedupatme,clueless,andIcouldn’t

stopmyselffromlaughing.

“Handittome,”Isaidandtookthevibratorfromherhand.Iturneditonandthenslappedit

betweenherlegs,holdingitclosetoherbud.Imoveditbackandforthslightly,allowingmyfingers
tograzehergently.

“Ohmygosh,TJ.”Shesquealedasshemovedforward.
“Yes?”IwhisperedasIfelthergrowingwetterandwetter.
“IthinkI’mgoingtocome.”
“No,you’renot,”Isaidandhelditthere.“NotuntilI’minsideofyou.”
“Idon’tknowwhatsortofself-restraintyouthinkIhave.”Shecriedout.“ButIdon’tthinkI’m

goingtobeabletostop—oh,oh,TJ.”SheshudderedsuddenlyandIfroze,wonderingifshewas
goingtocome.Ifeltslightlyputout.Ididn’twanthertocomefromalittleplasticmachine.Iknewit
wasstupidofme,butIwantedtofeellikeonlymebeinginsideofhercouldmakehercome.Iwanted
toownherbody.Iwantedmycocktobehermaster.Thesecrettoherpleasure.

“Iwanttofeelyouinsideofme.”Shecriedoutagainandlookedbackatme.“Please,now.”

“Okay.”Igrinnedandlookeddownatthepurelustandwantonherface.Itwasenoughtomake

myheartthumpharderforafewseconds.Shelookedbeautifulwithherhairflyinginthewindand
hercheeksblushedpink.Hereyeslookeddazedandherlipsweretremblingasshewaitedformeto
takeher.Ipulledthevibratorawayfromherandshemoaned.“No,baby,”Isaidsoftly.“Iwantto
makesurethatwhenyoucomeit’sallbecauseofme.”

“Ofcourse,it’sallbecauseofyou.”ShecriedoutandIcouldhearthedesireinhervoiceasshe

waitedforherrelease.

“That’sright,baby,”Isaid,feelingcheesyasIsaidthewords.Iwasn’tsurewhoIwasbecoming.I

wasn’tthisman.Ididn’tgetcaughtup.Ididn’tfeelthingswhenhavingsex.Atleast,notemotional
things.Ijustfuckedforarelease.Ididn’tneedtolookintothewoman’seyes,didn’tcareabout
wantingtoseethatlookofpleasureanddevotioninherstareasshecamecrashingdownfromher
high.Infact,Ihateditwhenawomanlookedatmewithanythingotherthanlust.Ididn’twantherto
feelthattherewasanysortofinvolvementasidefromthesex.Becausetherewasn’t.

ThatwasdifferentwithMila,though.Ididn’tknowwhy.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutittoohard.

Shewasjustsomeonewho’dbeeninmylifeforalongtimeandthatwaswhyitaffectedme
differently.Shewasaninnocent,notusedtothegamesofmen.Iwasgoingslowly,treadingcarefully
becauseIcaredaboutherfeelings.Iwasstillabastard,though.IfIweren’t,Ineverwouldhavetaken
herinthefirstplace.

“Closeyoureyes,”IsaidasIdroppeddowntomykneesandpulledmypantsdown.Myhandsslid

upinfrontofherandgrabbedherbreastsandpinchedhernipplesasIpositionedherinfrontofme.
MyrighthandfellfromherbreastandIguidedmyhardnessinsideofher.Icouldfeelherquivering
onmeanditonlymademegrowharder.ToknowIhadthispoweroverher...thatIcouldmakeher
bodycomeforme...thatIcouldmakeherwantmemorethanshe’deverwantedanythingbefore.
Thiswaspower.Thiswasgreatness.

“TJ,”shescreamedoutasIpoundedintoher,hard,leavingnothingtochance.Islidinandoutof

her,guidingmycockasifcommandingagreatnavalfleet.IstaredoutatthenightskyasIfelther
cominghard,screamingoutmyname,andasIfeltmyselfwithdrawfromherandspurtontotheroof,
Icouldn’thelpbutfeelasenseofguilt,withmypride.Thiswasn’twhatitwasabout.Thiswasn’ta
momenttobeproudof,thoughIcouldn’tstopmyselffromgrinningdownatherasshebeamedupat
me.Mylipsweresmiling,butmyeyesandheartfeltdead.IhadnoideawhatIwasdoinghere,toher.
AllIknewwasthatIwasinovermyhead.

ChapterTwo

Mila

“Whichone?”IhelduptwodressestoSallyandfrownedasshelookedatthemwithanunimpressed
expressiononherface.“Toodowdy?”

“Notifyou’regoingtoSundayschool,”shesaid,even-faced.“Andyou’reteachingit.Andyou’re

thepriest’swife.”

“Haha,veryfunny.”Irolledmyeyesather.“Idon’tknowwhattowear.ThisisthefirsttimeI’ll

bemeetingtheboardofdirectorsandthemajorshareholders.Idon’twanttoletTJdown.”

“Ithoughtyoumetthemalready?”
“Imettheboardofdirectors,butnottheshareholdersaswell.”Isighed.“Thisisthefirstreally,

reallyimportantparty.I’llbeleftalone.Peoplewillbeaskingmequestions,judgingme.”Imadea
face.“Ijustdon’twanttoletTJdown.”

“AskmeifIcareifyouletTJdown.”Shepursedherlipsandthensmiled,aslow,totally

innocent-lookingsmile.“Iwillhelpyoupickadressthough.”

“Hmm,what’sthecatch?”InarrowedmyeyesasIgazedatherdevious-lookingface.
“Whatcatch?”Shegrinned.
“Well,whyareyousoeagertohelpifyouthinkTJisadouchebag?”
“JustbecauseIthinkhe’sadouche,doesn’tmeanyoudo.”Sheshrugged.“Plus,Iwantyoutolook

sosexytonightthathe’snotgoingtowanttokeephishandsoffofyou,buthe’llhavetobecausethis
isapartywithbusinessassociates.”

“You’retotallydevious.”Ilaughedather.“ButIlikeit.However,itcan’tbetoosexy.Nothingthat

saysI’mahookerorahigh-classescort.”

“Whataboutlow-classescort?”
“Sally.”Iglaredather.
“Justjoking.”Shegiggledandheadedtomycloset.“Okay,letmeseewhatyouhaveinhere.”She

rifledthroughmydressesandthenlookedatme.“Idon’tsupposehe’llgiveyouacreditcardfora
newdress?”

“Healreadygavemeone.”Imadeafaceandsighed.“Mywardrobesucks,doesn’tit?”
“Heofferedyouacreditcard?”Sally’seyeslitup.“Tobuywhateveryouwant?”
“Iguess.”Ishrugged.“Ididn’ttakeit.”
“Youdidn’ttakeit?”Hereyeswidened.“Whatareyou?Dumb?”
“No,IalreadytoldyouIdon’twanttogiveanyoneanyreasontothinkI’mapaidescortor

whore.”

“Whois‘anyone’,Mila?”Sallyshookherhead.“Getthatcardandlet’sgoshopping.”
“Sally,”Igroaned.
“What?”Shepulledoutaflowerysundress.“DoyouwanttowearthisoryoursluttyblackLycra

dressthatyougotfortheclubs?”

“Neither,”Isighed.
“Exactly.”Shehungthedressbackup.“Youdon’thaveawardrobeforexpensivedinnerswith

millionaires.Andtonightyouneedadressthat’sgoingtowowthesocksoffofhim.Tonightyou
havetogiveTJatasteofhisownmedicine.”

“Thanks.”
“Idon’thaveoneeither.”Sheshruggedandthenlookedaway.“AndImostprobablywillnever

needone,either.”

“Whynot?”Isaidinmyperfunctoryway,thoughIalreadyknewtheanswerwouldhave

somethingtodowithhernothavingaboyfriend.

“BecauseI’llneverbeinvitedtothosedinners,”shesaidsorrowfully.
“Whynot?”Iaskedandthencontinued.“Isitbecauseyou’regoingtobesingleforever?”
“Mila!”Sheglaredatme.
“What?”Ireachedoverandtouchedhershoulder.“You’renotgoingtobesingleforeverbecause

mybrotherisawhore.”

“Howishe,bytheway?”sheaskedsoftly,hereyessearchingmine.Iwasn’tsurehowtoanswer.

DidItellherthatCodyhadaskedmeabouthertwicenow?DidItellherthatapartofmehada
feelingthatmaybeCodydidlikeher,possibly?Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Shewasmybestfriend,and
asmuchasIwantedtomakethisbetter,Ididn’tknowwhattodoorsay.IlovedherlikeasisterandI
didn’twantmybrothertobetheonetoruinourfriendshipforever,ifheturnedouttonotlikeheror
tolikeherandthencheatonherorsomethingelsecrazylikethat.

“I’mnotsure.”Ishruggedandgaveherawrysmile.“He’snotreallytalkingtome.”Irolledmy

eyes.

“Why?”Shelookedatmewithanexpressionofhope,asifshehopedthathisreasonforbeingso

coldtomewasduetothefactthatshewasmybestfriendandhewantedher.

“HesaidandIquote,‘youscarredmebysleepingwithTJ.I’mnotsurehowIdidn’tloseitandrip

yououtofthebed,butIthinkshockstoppedme.Youshouldbethankingyourluckystars.’Ugh.”I
madeafaceather.“Heneedstojustgetoverit.”

“Thatisabigthingforhimtowitness,though.”Sallylaughed.“Imean,it’snoteverydayyousee

yourlittlesisterboinkingyourbestfriend.”

“True,ha-ha.”Isighed.“Isuredon’twanttoseehimboinkinganyone.”
“Notevenyourbestfriend?”Sallygavemealookandlaughedslightly.Sheranherhands

throughherhairandthensighed.“Whyisthissuchamess?IwishIcouldjustnotlikehim.Idon’t
wanttofeelthisway.”

“I’msorry.”Ireachedmyarmsouttoher.“Ihatethatyou’refeelingthisway.”
“It’sfine.”ShemadeafaceasIgaveheraquickhug.“It’sjustwhatIgetforfallingforaguywho

hasnevershownanyinterestinme.”

“Hehasshownaninterest.”Istumbledovermywords,tryingtofindabalanceintellingmy

friendthatshewasn’tafool,butnotwantingtoleadherontothinkingthathewasinterested.“But
he’saplayer.Idon’tknowhowhe’sgettingwomenbecausehesucks,buthe’sjustnotthe‘settling
down’type.”

“Yeah,that’strue.”Sally’svoicecaughtandIleanedbackandlookedintohereyes.
“Youokay?”Iasked,concernedbythetoneinhervoice.
“Yeah,I’mfine.”Shegavemeabigsmile,butIcouldseehereyeswerestillsadandlookedwet.
“Oh,Sally.”Istaredather.“You’renotokay.”
“I’mfine,”shesaid,herlipstremblingasshelookedatme.“Ifeellikeafool,Mila.”
“You’renotafool.”
“Ithoughthelikedme.Ithoughthewastheone.”Tearsrolledgentlyfromhereyesasshelooked

atme.“Ithoughthewasmysoulmateandthathejusthadtofigureitout.Ithoughtthatdeepinsidehe
wantedmeandhewaswaitingfortherightmoment.”

“Youneverknow,”Isaidsoftly,notknowingwhattosay.Iknewalltoowellwhatshewasfeeling.

ItwasthesamewayIwasfeelingaboutTJ.Myheartsankforthebothofus,thoughIknewitwould
beselfishofmetobringupmyfearsandconcernsregardingTJinthatmoment.

“Hedoesn’tgiveashitaboutme.”Shewipedhereyesandlaughedmanically.“Hefuckedanother

girlwhileIwasthere.Hewasn’teventryingtohideit.Idon’tmeananythingtohim.”

“Oh,Sally.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip,hatingCodyforputtingSallythroughthis.
“It’sfine,”shesaidagain,maybetryingtoconvinceherself.Shetookadeepbreath.“I’mjust

PMS-ing.”Shemadeaface.“I’llbefine.It’snotlikewedatedandhedumpedme.Wehadnothing.
Absolutelynothing.It’snothisproblemIlikedhimandwashopingformore.”

“Sally...”Istarted,butstoppedmyself,notknowingwhattosay.
“It’sokay,Mila.”Shegrabbedaholdofmyhand.“I’msorryforbeingemotional.Let’sfigureout

whatdressyou’regoingtoweartonight.”

“Let’sgrabaglassofwinefirst,”IsaidandheadedtowardsthedoorsothatIcouldgrababottle

ofwinefromthekitchen.“Wineandchocolatemakeseverythingbetter.”

***

“Let’sjustgotothestoreandhavealook.”IgrinnedatSallyaswesatacrossfromeachotherand
decimatedalargebarofcookies-and-creamchocolate.“Imighthaveenoughtobuyanewdress
myself.”

“Isthatarequesttoborrowmoney?”sheaskedmewitharaisedeyebrowandagrinback,the

chocolatehavingputbothofourmoodsbackup.“Exactlywhatmoneyareyougoingtousetobuy
saiddress?”

“Well,Ihavesome.”Ilaughedasmyvoicetrailedoff,myfinancialsituationenteringmymind

unpleasantly.“PlusmaybeIcangetastorecard.”

“Astorecard?”
“Likeastorecreditcard.”Ishookmyheadather.“ThatwayIhavethirtydaystopayitoff,or

moreiftheyhaveasix-months-no-interestplanorsomething.”

“Mila.”Sallyshookherheadatme.“I’veneverheardthatValentinoorChanelhadastorecredit

cardandno,you’renotgettingyourselfintomoredebt.”

“I’mnotreallyindebt.”Ilaughed.“Ijusthavenomoney.”
“Andyouhaveabunchofbillstopayeachmonth.”Sherolledhereyesatme.“WhereIcome

from,that’scalleddebt.”

“Wheredoyoucomefrom?”Isaidwithagrin.“WallStreet?BankofAmericaValley?Chase

Street?Discovermediscoveryou?”

“Haha,not.”Sallysmiledatmeandsighed.“Mila,Iknowyoudon’tliketothinkaboutthese

things,butyoucan’tjustbespendingallyourcashandchargingwhatyoucan’tafford.”

“I’mtryingtobegood!”Iexclaimed.“You’retheonewhotoldmetogetanewdress.”
“Iknow.”Sheranherhandsthroughherhairandlookedatmewithawrysmile.“Igotcarried

away,plusIfiguredthatTJcouldbuyit.”

“Ijustdon’tknowhowIfeelaboutusingTJ’smoneytobuystuff.”Ibitmylowerlip.“Itjust

seemstocheapenit.”

“Cheapenwhat?”Sallylookedatmecautiously.“Youknowthatthisisn’treal,right?You’renot

hisrealfiancée.Justbecausehe’sfuckingyoudoesn’tmeanhewantsyouforanythingmorethana
goodtime.”Shestoppedthenandslappedherhandacrosshermouthasmyfacefell.“Forgiveme,
Mila.ThatcameoutalotharsherthanI’dplanned.IguessI’mstillfeelingdownaboutCodyand
takingitoutoneveryone,likesomesortofscornedbitch.I’msorry,Ididn’tmeantotakeitouton
you.”

“Hey,Iunderstand.Andyou’renotabitch,”Isaidandsighedaswegotupandwalkedbacktomy

bedroom,havingfinishedourglassesofwineandtheentirebarofchocolate.Imoanedloudlyaswe
walkedintothebedroomandIthoughtaboutalltheextracaloriesI’djusttakenin,andforwhat?I

groanedandthenfelldownonmybeddramatically.“It’snotlikewhatyou’resayingisn’ttrue.He
hasn’tgivenmeanyreasontobelievethatImeananythingrealtohim.”

“Idon’tgetguys.”Sallyploppeddownnexttome.“Whycan’theseewhathehasrightinfrontof

hisnose?Whycan’thejustsmartenupandrealizethatyouarethebestgirlforhim?Whycan’the
justwakeupandseethathelovesyou?”

“Yeah,”Isighedandlookedather.“ThesamegoesforCody.Whycan’theseethatyou’reright

here?”

“IwishIknew.”Sheshrugged.“MaybeI’mtoouglyforhim.Toofat.Toowhatever.”
“Sally.”Ifrownedatherandjumpedup.Ipulledherarmsupandpulledherupfromthebed.

“Lookatme,”Isaidloudlyashereyesdriftedawayfrommine.“You’rebeautiful.You’rekind.
You’reloyal.You’rethemostgenerouspersonIknow.Youarenotugly.Youarefarfromfat.”I
squeezedherhands.“Mybrotherisafoolifhedoesn’tseethat.”Ilookedintohergratefulbrown
eyesandmyheartbrokeatthepainIsawinhergaze.“You’remybestfriendandmysister.Andyou
willfindtheperfectmanforyou.Maybethat’snotCody,”Isaidwithaquicksmile.“AndmaybeTJ’s
notmyperfectguy,either.Maybeweneedtowakeupandsmelltheroses.MaybeourMr.Rightsare
outtherelookingforusrightnow.”

“SoyouwanttoblowTJofftonight,then?”sheaskedmewithagrin.“Wecangoandlookforthe

guyswhoarelookingforus.”

“That’snotsuchabadidea,”Isaid,thoughmyheartfellatherwords.IknewTJwasbadnewsfor

myheart.ThemoretimeIspentwithhim,themoreIfellforhim.Hiseyeshadthiswayofpiercing
intomysoul,andhissmilewaslikeahammer,chippingawayatthewallaroundmyheart.Everytime
hesmiled,adentwasmade.Hewasbecomingapartofme.Whenhewasinsideofme,Ifeltlikewe
weretrulyone.

Ihadtokeepremindingmyselfthatthiswasanillusion.Thesefeelings,thiswant,thisobsession,

weren’treal.Attheendoffourweeks,Iwasverylikelytofindmyselftornandbrokenapart.Ididn’t
knowhowIwouldsurvivewithouthim,andthatscaredme.We’donlyjustgottenintothis
arrangement.We’donlyjustbegunthisfarce.We’donlyjustbegun,butalreadyIwasblindedbymy
loveforhim.IwalkedawayfromSallyandgrabbedmyphoneandpunchedinTJ’snumbers.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Sallyscreeched,hereyeswideningasshewatchedmemakingthecall.
“Morning,sunshine.”TJ’svoicewassilkyandsmoothashepickedupthephone.
“Morning,”Isaid.“Ihavesomebadnews.”
“Whatbadnews?”HistonechangedandIswallowedhard.Sallywasshakingherheadatmeand

frowning.

“Areyoucrazy?”shewhispered.“Iwasjoking.”
“Ican’tcometonight,”IsaidsoftlyasIsmiledatSally.IneededtobeagoodfriendmorethanI

neededtobeagoodfakefiancée.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”TJ’svoicewasangry.
“Ihavetodosomethingelsetonight.”
“Youhaveadate?”HistonewasdeadlyandIshivered.Whoknewthathewouldgetsopissedoff

soquickly?AndwhywouldhethinkIhadadate?

“Um,nottechnically,”Isqueakedout.
“Nottechnically?”hesaidsoftly,slowly,andIwaitedforhimtocontinuebeforespeaking.“What

doesthatmean,Mila?DoIhavetoremindyouofourdeal?Ofthecontractthatyousigned?”

“TJ,I’mjustgoingoutwithSally,”Isaidquicklybeforehestartedgettingcarriedaway.“She’s

feelingdown.”

“Mila.”Sallyglaredatme.

“Imean,shewantedustogooutandseeifwemeetthemenofourdreams.”IpausedasIlistened

tothesilenceontheothersideofthephone.EvenSallywaslookingatmewithashockedexpression.
“Thatcameoutwrong,”Isaidinaquiettone.“TJ?”Iasked,wonderingwhathewasthinking.

“Youwanttobowoutofyourobligationtonightsoyoucangoandtartyourselfupandmeet

strangemen?”

“Ididn’tsayIwasgoingtotartmyselfupandIsaidthemenofourdreams,oursoulmates,not

strangemen.”

“Soyouwanttomeetthemanofyourdreamstonightandthencomeandfuckmetomorrow

night?Whatareyougoingtotellhimifheasksyouout?‘Sorry,Ican’tgobecausetheothermanI’m
seeingwantstobendmeoverandfuckme?’”

“TJ,”Igasped,aghast,butalsoslightlyturnedon.
“What?”hesaidandchuckled,buthedidn’tsoundamused.“Iguessthatwasslightlywrong.I

shouldhavesaidthatyouwantmetofuckyouasbadlyasIwantto.I’msureyourpantiesarewet
rightnow,aren’tthey?”Hisvoicebecamelowerandrougher.“Ibetyou’rewishingIwerewithyou
rightnowsoIcouldspankthatassandpullthosepantiestothesideasIbendyouoverandslaminto
youfrombehind.”

“I’mgoingtothemalltobuyanewdress,”IsaidstifflyasIchangedthesubject,embarrassedthat

Iwasfeelingturnedonbyhiswords,andinfrontofSallywhowaslookingatmewithaquizzical
expression.“Thedressisforyourpartytonight,”Icontinued.“SoI’llbeusingthecreditcardyou
gaveme.”

“Sonowyou’recoming?”hesaidinatonethatsaidhe’dachievedexactlywhathe’dwanted.“I

guessyou’remissingmybig—”

“TJ!”IalmostshoutedasIcuthimoff.“You’retoomuch.”IrolledmyeyesatSally,whoseeyes

atnarrowedatme.“Yes,I’mcoming,”Isaidstiffly.“I’llletSallycryherselftosleepwhilewe’reout
partying.”

“Oh,we’llbedoingalotmorethanpartying,”hesaidinanamusedtone,hisvoicedeep.“Maybe

tellheryou’llbegettingthefuckofyourlife.Maybethatwillmakeherfeelbetteraboutbeing
ditched.”

“You’redisgusting,”Isaid,asIfeltmystomachstirring.
“Youdon’tfeelthatwaywhenI’minsideofyou.Youdidn’tfeelthatwaywhenIhadyouupon

thatroof.Youdidn’tfeelthatwaytheothermorningwhenIwasgoingdownonyou.Youdidn’tthink
Iwasdisgustingwhenyou—”

“TJ!”Iscreeched.
“What?”Helaughed.“AmIembarrassingyou?”
IwassilentasIwaitedforhimtochangethesubject.
“Isurehopenot,”hesaidsilkily.“Ihavealotmoretoshowyou.Ihaveplansforus,Mila.”
“Iknow,”Isaidsoftly,asmallsmileonmyfaceasIrolledmyeyesandshookmyheadatSally.“I

haveplansforyouaswell.”

“Oh?”hesaid,histonecurious.“Whatplans?”
“You’llsee,”Isaidwithasmalllaugh.“You’renottheonlykinkybitchonthephone,”Isaid,and

thenbeforehecouldspeak,Isaid,“Pickmeupatseven.”AndthenIhungupthephone.

“Whoa,whatwasthatabout?”Sallysaideagerlyasshegazedatme.“Andkinkybitch?Wheredid

thatcomefrom?”

“Ihavenoidea.”Ilaughed.“Ican’tbelieveIsaidthat.”Igroaned.“Kinkybitch?Ohmygosh,I

can’tbelieveIsaidthat.Hejustkeptsayingstufftryingtoturnmeon,soIwantedtogivehimataste
ofhisownmedicine.”

“Whatdoyouhaveplanned?”Hereyeswerewideasshestaredatme.“You’vebeenholdingback

onme,girl.”

“Ihavenothingplanned.”Igroaned.“IjustsaidthattohimtomakehimthinkIhadsomething

planned.”

“Oh.”Shegiggled.“Youneedtothinkofsomethingthen.”
“Youthinkso?”Iasked,groaning.“Imean,IhavenoideawhatIcandothatwouldmakehim

believethatI’makinkybitch.”

“Youcandowhateveryouwant.”Sallysmiled,butIcouldtellfromthelookonherfacethatshe

wasdoubtful.

“WhatamIdoing,Sally?”Isighed,myheadsuddenlyfeelingheavyandmystomachwracked

withnerves.“IfeellikeI’mplayingarole,beingsomecharacterI’mnotandIjustdon’tknowwhatto
do.Ifeelsohappybeingwithhim,butitallseemssofleeting.LikeIdon’tknowwhathereallywants,
andifit’sthekinkysexthat’simportanttohim,well,how’sthatsupposedtomakemefeel?”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”Shechewedonherlowerlip.“IwishIknewwhattosay.Iwanttosay

allthethingsyouwanttohear,likethisisgoingtogrowandworkout,butIdon’tknow.Imean,this
isreallife,right?Whendoguyseverreallychange?Imean,doyoufeellikethere’sapossibilitythat
hereallylikesyou,like-likesyou,likesyou?”

“Iusedtothinkthat,”IsaidandthenIpaused.“Actually,Idon’tknowifwhatIfeltwasrealorifit

wasallinmyhead.Somesortofhopemanifestingitselfinmeandmakingmeseethingsthataren’t
real.”

“Don’toverthinkit,”Sallysaidandthengrabbedmyhand.“Justseewhathesaysanddoes.I

mean,you’vewaitedyourwholelifeforhim,youmightaswellseeexactlywhathe’sopento,what
hemightreallybefeeling.”

“Yeah.”Inoddedandsmiled,butmyheartsankasIthoughtaboutherwords.Theywereexactly

thesamesortofwordsI’dsaidtoherbeforeaboutCody,butwhatdidtheyreallymean?Nothing.
SallyandIwerebothkeepinghopealive,butIwasn’tsureifitwasworthit.Werewewastingour
livesandsilentlykillingourselvesslowlywiththewait?

***

“Sowhereshouldwego?”IaskedSallyaswegotintohercar.“Macy’s?Dillard’s?”

“Macy’s?”Shelookedatmeandlaughed.“Areyououtofyourmind?”
“What’swrongwithMacy’s?”Ilaughed,tryingtoforgetallmyworriesandjustenjoythe

afternoonout.

“Youhaveablackcreditcard.”Shegrinnedatme.“WithwhatIcanonlyassumeisamassive

limit.Actually,doyouknowthelimit?”

“No,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.“Ihavenoidea.”
“Callthenumberonthebackofthecard.”Sheturnedthekeyintheignitionandstartedhercar,

butturnedtomeinsteadofpullingoutofthedriveway.“Comeon,Mila.”

“Seriously,Sally?”Ishookmyhead.“I’mnotcallingtofindoutthelimit.Theyaren’tgoingto

tellmeanyway.”

“Whynot?”Hereyescrinkledasshestaredatme.Iknewthatlookinhereyes.Shewantedto

knowandshewasn’tgoingtobackdown.

“Fine.”Igiggled.“Youknowthismakesushorriblepeople,right?”
“Whydoesitmakeushorrible?Rememberwhenwegotourfirstcreditcardincollege?

Rememberhowwecalledeveryweektoseeifthelimithadbeenraised?”

“That’sbecausewewerestupidandwantedtobuythingswecouldn’tafford.”IlaughedasIpulled

outthecard.“ThankGodweonlygotthousand-dollarlimits.Youknowhowlongittookmetopay
thatoff?”

“Ithoughtyouwerestillpayingitoff.”SallysmirkedandIlaughedasIhitherplayfullyinthe

shoulder.

“You’remean.”
“Andyou’reashopaholic.”Shegrinned.“However,atleastyouaren’tauser.You’renotgoingto

gocrazywithTJ’scard.”

“Iwouldneverdothat,”Isaidanddialedthecreditcardphonenumberonmycellandputiton

speakerphone.IshookmyheadatSallyasshegrinnedatme,waitingeagerlytohearwhatthelimit
was.IhavetoadmitthatIwasslightlyexcitedmyselftofindoutwhatthelimitwouldbe.NotthatI
wouldcomeclosetousingallofthemoney.OrevenusingthecardagainafterIboughtthisdress.I
didn’twantTJtothinkIwastakingadvantageofthesituation.

MyheartfeltsadasIthoughtabouthimandthesituationwewerein.Iwashappythatwewere

kindofdating,ifdatingwaswhatwecouldcalloursituation.Ijustdidn’tknow.Wewereseeingeach
other.Wewerehavingsex.Ilikedhim—well,lovedhim.Ithoughthekindoflikedme.However,I
wasalsohisfakefiancée,andIwasn’tsureifthatnegatedeverything.Washemyboyfriend?Would
heeverreallybemyboyfriend?Itriednottodwellonallthethingsinmymind.Itmademedoubtthe
relationshipIfoundmyselfin.

IlookeddownatthephoneandlistenedtoavoicewelcomingmetoAmericanExpress.Ipunched

inthenumbersonthecardandwaitedforthemtoaskmetoverifysomesortofpassword,sothatI
couldlookatSallyandsay,“See?Ican’tfindoutthatinfo.”Iwasshockedwhenthevoiceaskedme
whatIwantedtodonext.Ipressed2tohearmyavailablebalanceandbothSallyandIgaspedloudly
whenthevoicesaid,“Youhaveanavailablecreditlimitofonehundredthousanddollars.”Ipressed
ENDonthephoneandlookedatSallywithwideeyes.“DidIjusthearthatcorrectly?”Isaid,feeling
slightlydazed.

“Ifyouheardonehundredthousanddollars,thenyes.”Shegrinnedatme,hereyesbright.“I

cannotbelieveit.”

“Icannotbelieveit,either.”Iputthecardbackinmywallet.“He’scrazy.”
“Yeah,heis.”Sallystartedlaughing.“Doeshenotknowyou?”
“Whatever.”Igiggledaswepulledoutofthedriveway.“I’mresponsible.”
“Sincewhen?”Sheraisedaneyebrowatme.“Lastweek?”
“Lastweekisasgoodasever.”Ilaughed.“Seriously,though,I’mnotgoingtotakeadvantageof

thesituation.It’sjustforthisdress.”

“Uhhuh,”Sallysaid.“Andsomenewsexybras,underwear,heels,maybeanewtrenchcoat,a

leatherjacket,um—”

“Aleatherjacket?”Isaid,interruptingher.“WhywouldIbegettingaleatherjacket?”
“Becausethey’resocute.”Shegiggled.“Inoticeyoudidn’taskwhyyoushouldgetthetrench

coat.”Shewinked.“Bowchickabowwow.”

“Sally,you’resoimmature.”Igiggled.“I’mnotgoingtogocrazyonthecardandI’mgoingto

paybackwhateverIspend.”

“Okay.”Sallydidn’tbataneye,buthervoicewasunbelieving.“Whateveryousay.”
“Iam.”Ilaughed.“Thoughitmightnotbeintermsofcashmoney.”
“LikeIsaid,bowchickabowwow.”
“Haha,he’slucky.”Igiggled.“Mostguyswouldlovetohavethis.”Idancedaroundinherseat,

suddenlyfeelinglightandhappy.“Andifanyoneeversawmeorheardmesayingthat,theywould
thinkIwasaho.”

“Aho,ho,ho.”Sallynoddedandlookedatme.“Sowhereshallwego,then?Totheboutiques

downtown?”

“Iguessso.”Ishrugged.“Youthinkthey’llhaveanythingthere?”
“Yup.”Shenodded.“There’sthisnewhautecouturedressshopnexttothecupcakestore.Ithink

theyhavevintageChanelandVeraWangandsomeVersacegowns.”

“Thatsoundsexpensive.”Ifrowned.
“Saysthehundred-thousandlady.”Sallylaughed.
“Idon’twannabethehundred-thousand-dollarho.”Igiggled.
“Who,you?”SallysaidassheturnedonherradioandIturneditupasitconnectedtothe

BluetoothonherphoneandthelatestPitbullsongstartedplaying.Ijustlaughedinmyseatandstared
outofthewindowasSallydrove.Ifeltexcitedabouttheevening,thoughIwasn’tsurewhattoexpect.

“Yourphoneisringing,Mila.”Sallytappedmeontheshouldertobreakmeoutofmydaydream.
“Oops,”IsaidasIgrabbedmyphoneoutofmybag.“Hello,”IsaidasIplaceditnexttomyface

quickly.

“Whereareyou?”TJsaidsoftly,hisvoicesendingawarmfeelingdownmyspine.
“I’minthecarwithSally.We’regoingtogetadressandafewothernecessities,”Iadded,feeling

slightlyguilty.

“Good.”Hesoundedpleased.“TellSallythatI’dbemorethanhappytotreathertoanewdressas

well,fortakingyouout.”

“What?”Isaid,surprisedbyhisgenerosity,thoughIreallyshouldn’thavebeen.“Youdon’thave

todothat.”

“Iwantto,”hesaidsoftly.“TellhertogetsomethingniceandwecanhaveherandCodyoverthis

weekend,rightafteryoumovein.”

“Likeadoubledate?”Isaidhesitantly,notsureifthatwassuchagoodidea.
“Orjustadinner,”hesaidsmoothly.“Justfourfriendseatingtogether.”
“Okay,”Isaid,disappointmentswellinginmybelly.Friends.Thatdreadedwordthatmademe

comebackdowntoearthagain.

“There’snoneedforexpectations,”hecontinued.“Wecan’tmakethemgettogether.Theyaren’t

us.”

“Soarewetogether?”Iasked,wantingtoknowexactlywhatweweretoeachother.Hopeonce

againfilledme.Maybehereallywasintomeafterall.

“Ofcoursewe’retogether—you’remyfiancée,”hesaidandIwantedtointerrupthim.Iwantedto

saythatthatpartwasalieandaskwhattherealtruthwasbetweenus,butIwasscaredthathewould
saythattherewasnothingrealbetweenus.Iwasscaredthathewouldsaythatthiswasit.AndIdidn’t
wanttohearthat.Icouldn’thearthat.Itwouldbreakme.AndrightnowIwantedtobelievethatitwas
more,evenifthatwasjustafarce.Ididn’twanttoknowthetruth.Ididn’twantmybubbletoburst
already.Notnow.Notyet.Iwasn’tsureIcouldgothroughwithallofmyplansifIthoughthedidn’t
haveanyrealfeelingsforme.IfIthoughtthatIwasjustabooty-calltohim.

MaybeIcouldmakehimfallinlovewithme.MaybeifIplayedthisroleperfectly,hewould

suddenlyrealizethathedidn’twantthistobeanact.MyfacefeltcoldasIrealizedhowmuchofmy
heartIwasputtingonthelinehere.Allofasudden,IfeltsickthatIwaslettingmyselfinforabigfall
anditscaredthehelloutofme.

“Okay,well,we’repullinguptoamusicstorethatSallywantstogointonow,”IsaidasIlooked

outofthewindowatsometrees.“I’lltalktoyoulater.”

“Sendmephotosofthedressesyou’rechoosingbetween,”hesaidsoftly.“Iwanttohelpyou

choose.”

“Youdon’tcare.”Ilaughed,myheartracingatthethoughtofhimhelpingmechooseadress.

“Iwanttoseethembeforeyouchoosewhichoneyou’regoingtobuy,”hesaidsoftly.
“Okay,”Isaid,thoughIknewthatIwasn’tgoingtobesendinghimanyphotos.
“Whendoyouthinkyou’llarriveatthestore?”heaskedagain.“Ihaveameetinginanhour,butit

won’tlastmorethananhour.”

“Oh,I’mnotsure,”Isaidhonestly.“It’ssomeplacethatSallyknows,butI’veneverbeenthere

before.”

“Textmewhenyouarrive,”hesaid.
“Um,okay,”Isaid.“I’dbettergonow.Sallyiswaitingonmetogetoutofthecar.”
“Okay,textme,”hesaidandhungupthephone.Iplacedthephonebackintomybagandlookedat

Sallywhowasglancingatmewithasmile.

“Whatwasthatabout,Ms.Liar?”Hereyessearchedmineforafewsecondsbeforefacingthe

trafficagain.

“Whyareyoucallingmealiar?”Iasked,myfacepinkasIstaredinfrontofme.
“You’renotgoingtosendhimphotosofanyofthedresses.Andwedidn’tpulluptoany

boutique”Shelaughed.“He’sgoingtobesittingtherewaitingandhe’sgoingtobevery
disappointed.”

“Idon’tthinkhe’llbedisappointed.”Ilaughed,butallofasuddenallIcouldthinkaboutwasthat

—onceagain—whathewantedfrommecamedowntosomethingsexual.

“Sure,hewill.”Shepulleddownaone-waystreetandgavemeaquickglance.“Menarevisual

creatures.Hemostprobablycan’twaittosee.”

“Ohwell,he’sinforadisappointment,”Isaidasshepulleduptoastore.“I’lltexthimandlethim

knowwe’vearrived,butIwon’tbesendinganypics,thatwayhe’snotwaitingandwondering.”

“Oh,Mila.”Sallygrinnedatme.
“What??”
“Nothing.”Sheshrugged.“Texthim.”
“I’mgoingto.”Igrabbedmyphoneandstartedpunchinginmymessage,feelingangryandnot

reallysurewhy.Well,that’salie;IknewwhyIwasangry.IwasangrythatIcaredsomuch.Iwas
angrythattheonlyrealinterestTJseemedtoshowinmewasinregardstosex.IwasangrythatI
couldn’tcontrolmyfeelingsofworryandhopethatintermingledwiththeloveIfeltforhiminmy
heart.Eventhoughwewereclosernowthanwe’deverbeeninourlives,Ifeltthemostdistantfrom
him.Ididn’tfeellikeIwasabletobemyselfwithhimbecauseIwassoscaredoflettinghimin.Iwas
scaredthatI’dfallinlovewithhimandstarttotellmyselfhewasfeelingthesameway.Iwasscared
thatifIstartedtobelieveinmydreamsandfairytales,mywholeworldwouldcomecrashingdown
aroundme.IturnedawayfromSallyandtypedintomyphone,suddenlylettingmyanxietyfeedinto
anger.

Me:Idon’tneedyourhelppickingadress.
TJ:Ididn’tsayyouneededmyhelp,cametheimmediatereply.
Me:Good.
TJ:Sendmephotos.
Me:No.
TJ:Stopbeingchildish.
Me:Stopactinglikemydad.
TJ:Yourdadwantstoseeyouinyourunderwear?
Me:You’redisgusting.
TJ:That’snotwhatyousaidlastnight.
Me:Growup.
TJ:IthoughtIwasactingtooadult.

Me:Goodbye,TJ.
TJ:Sendmenudiesthen.
Me:Youwish.
TJ:Ido.:)
Me:TJ!
TJ:Mila!
Me:You’reinsufferable.
TJ:You’resexy.
Me:Whatever.
TJ:Icanpictureyourlipsrightnow.
Me:Whatever.
TJ:Icanpicturemycockinyourlipsrightnow.
Me:TJ!
TJ:Yeah,that’swhatI’llhaveyouscreaming.
Ishookmyheadandtriednottosmile.Iwasn’tfeelingangryanymore.Anxiousstill,yes—but

angry,no.Iwasn’tsurewhatitwasaboutTJ,buthehadawayofaffectingmyemotionswithouteven
beingthere.Justinteractingwithhimmademehappy.Isupposethatwasoneofthesideeffectsof
love.

OhhowIlovedandhatedbeinginlovewithhim.ItmademefeellikeIwassoaringthroughthe

world.Justpicturinghisfacemademehappy.Anditscaredme.Itscaredmethathehadsomuch
powerovermyemotions.I’dneverreallythoughtaboutituntilrecently.Untilwe’dbecomeafake
couple.ButnowthatIknew,itmademefearful.Hewasalmostlikeapuppetmasterwithmy
emotions.

Iwasn’tsurewhatwasgoingtohappen.Iwasn’tsurewhenthebottomwasgoingtodropoutandI

wasgoingtogoflyingthroughthevastnessofanemptysky.Iknewwhatitwouldfeellike,though.It
wouldfeellikeIwasfloatingthroughtheuniverse,bymyself,empty,voidofemotionandallair.

IknewthefeelingbecauseIfeltitnowsometimes.Lateatnight.Whenhewassleepingandgone

fromtheconsciousworld.ThenIwouldjuststareathisface.I’dmarvelathowhandsomehewas.I’d
thinkabouthowIjustwantedtotouchhisfacesoftly,andhowIwantedtorunmyhandsthroughhis
hair.Itwasn’teveninasexualway.Itwasjustthattouchinghim,beingwithhim,providedmewith
somethingsoinnate,sofillingthatitwasallIcraved.

ButIdidn’ttouchhim,becauseIdidn’thavethatright.Yes,weweresleepingtogether.Yes,heand

Iwerecloserthanwe’deverbeenbefore,butitwasallsuperficialandsexual.Itwasn’tdeep.Itwasn’t
aloving,adoringrelationship.Itwasn’twhatIcravedandwantedwithallmyheart.Iwasn’tableto
justtouchhimwhenIwanted.Iknewthat.Iknewthatweweren’tthereandthat’swhatkeptmeupat
night.That’swhatmademesometimesstopsuddenly,myheartgrowingcold,mystomachfeeling
fearful,andmyheadfeelingheavy.TJwasn’tmine.HemightneverbemineandIdidn’tknowifI
couldlivewiththat.

“So,whatdidyousay?”SallyinterruptedmyslightlydepressingthoughtsandIturnedtoherwith

asmile.

“Itoldhimthereisnowayinhellhe’sgettinganyphotosofmeinanydresses.I’mnotJulia

Robertsandthisisn’tPrettyWoman.”

“Mila.”Sallylaughedandlinkedarmswithme.“You’retoomuch,youknowthat?”
“Yes.”Igiggled.“Thisstorelooksnice.Hopefullytheyhavesomethingthatwillfitmeandmake

melookfabulous.”

“Iguaranteeyouwilllookfabulous.”Sallygrinnedaswewalkedintotheveryexpensive-looking

boutique.

“Andsexy.”Ilaughed.
“Youalwayslooksexy.”Sallywinkedatmeandthenpurredlikeacat.Iburstoutlaughingand

thentriedtoquietmylaughterasInoticedtwoofthesalesladiesstaringatuslikeweweresomething
thecathaddraggedinfromthealleyway.Somethingnotentirelywelcome.

“Canwehelpyou?”Aslightlyolderladywithperfectlycoiffedblondhairapproacheduswitha

thinsmile.

“We’rejustlookingatdresses.”Sallysmiledbackconfidentlyandflickedherhairback.“My

friendisgoingtoanimportantpartytonightsoshewantstomakesurethatshehasadressworthyof
theoccasion.”

“Oh,well,wecandefinitelyhelp.”Thelady’seyesfelltomeandIcouldseethatshewassizing

meup.“Ourdressesareveryexpensive,ma’am.”ShelookedatmeintheeyesandIknewshewas
thinkingthatmyTargetandRossbargainclotheshadnotimpressedher.“There’saT.J.Maxxupthe
street.”Shecontinuedasshestaredatme.“Itmightbeabitmoreaffordable.”

“Ithinkwe’llstillhavealook,”Sallysaid,hervoiceloudasshelookedattheladydismissively.

“Thanksforyourhelp.”

“Weshouldleave,”IwhisperedatSally.“She’sabitch.”
“Forgether.”Sallyshookherhead.“Allthesalesladiesintheseplacesarebitches.Ourgoalisto

getyouahotdress.Wehavetoignorethem.”

“Iguess.”Isighedandmadeaface.“Ijustreallydon’tfeelgoodaboutgivinghermoney.”
“Ifwebuyadresshere,we’llaskfortheowner ’snameandthensendascathingletter,okay?”

Sallygrinnedatme.“Thatway,whileshemightgetsomecommission,she’llstillgetinsome
trouble.”

“Okay.”Inodded.“Deal.”Ilookedaroundthestoreandmyeyesgrewwideattheample

assortmentofeveningdresses.“Idon’tknowhowwe’regoingtochooseadress.”Imadeaface.“I
don’teventhinkhalfofthesewillfitme.Theyalllooklikesizezero.”

“Manyaresizezerobecausetheyarestraightfromthedesigner,”Sallysaid,noddingin

agreement.“Buttherewillbemanythataren’t.Andtonight,we’regoingtohaveyouinalongred
dress,withaplungingnecklineandahighslitupthelegs.”

“Whoa,what?”Myeyesnearlybulgedout.“Thatsoundsabitmuch.”
“Youneedtobeabitmuch.”Sallyraisedaneyebrowatme.“ThisisTJ,remember?Theloveof

yourlife.Youwanthimtowantyoumorethananythingelseintheworld,don’tyou?”

“Yeah,butnotjustforsex.Iwanthimtowantmeformymindandmybody.Iwanthimtothink

hecan’tlivewithoutme.”

“Thisisstepone,”Sallysaid.“Guysthinkwiththeirsmallheadsfirst.Youneedhimtobe

obsessingoveryouandwantingyouinhisbedatalltimes.Thenhe’llstarttorealizejusthowmuch
youmeantohimineveryareaofhislife.”

“Iguess,”Isighed.“Ijustdon’tknowifTJwilleverfeelthatwayaboutme.He’snottheguyI

thoughthewas,youknow?HeseemsmoredamagedthanIthought.Abitdarkeranddeeper,notjust
thejokerIalwaysthought.”

“He’sdarkbecausehe’sintokinkysex,Mila.”Shelaughed,butIshookmyheadatherasoureyes

caught.

“No,it’smorethanthat.Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit,butit’smorethanthat.”Isighed.“Butwho

knows?MaybeI’mimaginingit.Maybeit’snotanythingotherthanwhatIwanttothinkandbelieve.”I
pausedasIheardmyphonebeeping.IlookeddownandsawTJ’snameonthescreenandignoredit.I
didn’tneedhisplayfulteasingrightnow.NotwhenIwasalreadysoconfusedabouteverything.

“Stopoverthinkingeverything,Mila.”Sallygavemeapointedlook.“Iknowyouover-analyze

everythingandsometimesthatisgood,butthisisnotoneofthosesituations.Justletitgowhereit

goes.”

“Iguessso.That’shard,though.”
“Iknow.”Shenodded.“Butlifeishard.Nooneeversaiditwasgoingtobeeasy.”
“Iwantittobeeasy.”Imoaned.“Iwanthimtojustwakeupandsay,Mila,Iloveyou,let’smake

thisreal.”

“Maybehewill,”Sallysaidsoftly,hereyesonmine.“Andmaybehewon’t.Butdon’tliveout

yourdayswaitingforthat.Enjoywhateveryouhavenow.It’sgoodnow,oratleastgoodenough,
right?”

“Yeah,”Isaidsoftly.“It’sgoodenough.It’smorethanIthoughtIwouldhavewithhim.”
“Thenenjoy.”Sallywalkedawayfrommethenanduptoadressrack.“Nowstopthinkingand

startlooking.Weneedtogetyouadressthat’sgoingtoblowTJaway.”

“Yeah,thatwouldbenice,”Iagreedandwalkedovertoadisplaynexttoherandstartedthumbing

throughthedresses,thoughIwasn’treallyseeingthem.AllIwasthinkingaboutwasthelookIhoped
toseeonTJ’sfacewhenhesawme.Iwantedhiseyestowiden.Iwantedhimtolookimpressed,taken
aback.Iwantedhiseyestoroveallovermybodyandnotwanttolookaway.Iwantedhimtowantme
morethanhe’deverwantedanyoneintheworld.IwantedhimtolookatmeasifIwerethelast
personintheworld.IwantedhimtothinkIwasthemostbeautifulwomanhe’deverseen.NotthatI
wasorwouldeverbe.Therewerefarmorebeautifulwomenoutthere,butIwantedTJtolookatme
asifIwereoneofthem.

Iwantedtimetostandstill.Igotshiversjustthinkingaboutit.AndthenIstartedtofeelteary-eyed

againbecauseIknewitwouldneverhappen.TJwouldneverlookatmeasifIwerethatspecial
someone.Icouldn’timagineit.AsmuchasIwantedit,Ijustcouldn’tseeithappening.

“Ooh,whataboutthis?”Sallyheldupadresstoshowme.Itwasshort,blackandthetopwasmade

ofsomesortoftransparentlace.

“Sally,peoplewillseemybraormybreasts.”Ishookmyhead.“Idon’twantthemseeingeither.”
“Fine.”Shegrinnedandputitbackontherack.“Though,it’safuckingsexydress.”
“Thatitis.”Ilaughedandcontinuedlookingthroughthedresses.Myhandstoppedonalong

creamdresswithpearlsrunningalongtheneckline.“Whataboutthis?”IaskedSallyandheldthe
dressup.

“Areyouagrandmagoingtoprom?”Sallymadeaface.“Noway,that’snotsexyatall.”
“Fine.”Ilaughedandkeptthumbingthroughthedresses.Myhandstoppedonadelicate,sexy

blackdresswithalacebackandalongslit.“Whataboutthis?”IsaidbreathlesslyasIhelditupfor
hertosee.

“Wow.”Sally’seyeswidenedassheglancedatthedressinmyhand.“That’shot.”
“Youdon’tthinkit’stoomuch?”
“Istheresuchathingastoomuch?”
“Yes,”Ilaughed.“Thereisdefinitelysuchathingastoomuch.Idon’twanttobetheskankatthe

party.”

“You,mydear,couldneverbeaskank.”
“Yes,Icould.”Ilaughedandthenlookedatthedressagain.“ButI’mstillgoingtotryiton.”I

smiledather.“Maybeitwillgorightuptotheholinebutnotpassit.”

“That’safineline.”Sallylaughedandwegrinnedateachother,bothofourworriesforgottenin

thatmomentasweshopped.

“Thanksforcomingwithme,Sally.Itreallymeansalottome.”
“Shh.”Sherolledhereyesandpushedme.“Don’tgetemotional.Justgoandchangeandletme

seehowhotyoulook.”

“Fine.”Igrinnedandlookedaroundforadressingroom.“Ihopeitlooksgood,”IsaidasI

walkedtowardsthebackofthestore.

“Itwilllookgreat,andifitdoesn’t,thereareplentymoredressestotryon.”
“Iknow,”Isaid,thoughIknewIwouldfeeldisappointedifthedressinmyhandsdidn’tlook

good.I’donlyseenitforafewseconds,butIwasalreadydrawntoit.ItwasintricateandprettyandI
lovedthelookofit.Ijusthopedthatitwouldlookgoodonme.

Iwalkedintothedressingroomandpulledthecurtain,hangingthedressonahangercarefully

beforesettingmybagdown.Istartedtotakeoffmyclothesslowly,staringatmyselfinthemirroras
Ididso.Ipausedforafewsecondsandjuststaredatmyfaceupclose.Iwasn’tsurewhatitwasabout
dressingroommirrors,buttheyalwaysseemedsomuchclearerthanmymirrorsathome.Isuppose
ithadtodowiththelightinginthedressingroom.

Istaredintomybrowneyesandthenatmylashes,stillslightlytingedwithblackmascarathatI

hadn’tgottenoff.Ihadsomesmalllinesaroundmyeyesandslightlydarkerbags.Iwrinkledmynose
asIstaredatthelinesandtriednottosigh.Istaredatmycheeks,seeingthatmyskinlookedsmooth,
exceptforafewfreckles,andIsmiledatmyselfandthenrolledmyeyesathowidioticIwastobe
smilingatmyselfinadressing-roommirror.

Ipulledmytopoffandmyjeansdownandstudiedmybody.Mybralookedoldandfunky,though

Iwashappyatthefactthatmyboobslookedluscious.Ithenlookedatmystomachandgrimaced.
Therewasdefinitelynosix-packthereorevenafaintglimmeringofabs.Ineededtoworkonthat.TJ
hadsuchaperfectbodyandIwantedtobeabletomatchthat.Maybethatwouldmakehimwantme
more.Myeyesfellfarther,tomythighsandcalves,andIturnedtothesidetocheckoutmyass.Itwas
stillprettyflat,butwasabitmorepertthanusual,thankstoallmysquats.Overall,Iwaspleasedwith
whatIsaw,ifnotecstatic.Ishookmyheadatmyselfandthenreachedovertograbthedressoffofthe
hanger,whenIsuddenlyfroze.I’dheardadeep,familiar-soundingvoice,andmybodystarted
shaking.Itcouldn’tbe,couldit?

“Mila?”TJ’sdeepvoiceechoedthroughthestoreandmyfacegrewheated.HowwasTJhere?
“TJ,whatareyoudoinghere?”Sallyasked,surprised.I’msureshewaswonderinghowhewas

hereaswell.

“Where’sMila?”TJsoundedannoyed.
“She’sinthechangingroom,”Sallysaid,hervoicestiff.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“ItoldMilaIwantedtoseethedresses.”
“Ithoughtshetoldyouno.”
“So?”hesaidinanamusedtone,hisvoicecomingcloser.“Mila,youthere?”
Iopenedmymouth,butnowordswouldcomeout.Iwasinshock.
“Mila?”Hisvoicecamecloser.
“TJ?”Isqueakedoutfinally.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Itextedyouandyoudidn’trespond,”hesaidaccusinglyfromrightoutsidemyroom.
“Iwasbusy,”Isaiddefensively.
“Ifigured.”
“HowdidyouknowwhereIwas?”
“What?”TJsaidslowly.
“HowdidyouknowwhereIwas?Ididn’ttellyou.”
“Isharedyourlocation.”
“What?”Ifrowned,notunderstandinghim.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Iwentintoyourphoneandsharedyourlocationwithmynumber,”hesaidmatter-of-factly,asif

therewerenothingwrongwiththat.“IwantedtomakesureIcould—”

“SPYONME?”Ishouted,interruptinghim.“Howdareyou?”

“IjustwantedtomakesureyouweresafeandthatIcouldfindyouifanythinghappened.”He

soundedsheepishnow.

“Ifwhathappened,TJ?”Iwasannoyed.
“Idon’tknow.”
“Didyoushareyourlocationwithmeaswell?”Iaskedsoftly,thoughIalreadyknewtheanswer.
“Ididn’tthinkaboutit,”hesaidafterafewseconds.“Sorry,Ishouldhavedonethataswell.”
“Yeah,sure,that’sthereasonwhyI'mupset.Not.TJ,youcan’tjustgointomyphoneandsharemy

locationwithoutevenaskingme.”

“I’msorry,”hesaid,histoneunreadable.Iwasn’tsureifhewasreallysorryorifhewasjust

sayingthat.

“Sureyouare.”Ishookmyheadfrominsidemydressingroom.“Anyway,whatcanIdoforyou,

TJ?”

“Icametoseeyourdresschoices.”
“ItoldyouthatIdidn’twanttoshowthemtoyou.”
“Ithoughtthatwasjustviatext.Ithought,inperson,you’dbehappytoshowme.”
“TJ,don’tyouhaveworktodo?”
“Ialwayshaveworktodo,butIwantedtomaketimetoseeyou,”hesaidsoftly.“I’vebeen

thinkingaboutyouallday.Ithoughtitwouldberomanticofmetocomedownandseeyouduringthe
day.Don’tyougirlslikeromanticgestures?”

“Iguess.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.Whatdidthatmean?Whywashetryingtoberomantic?

Washefallingforme,afterall?

“SocanIseeyouinatleastonedress?”
“Fine,”Isighed.“Holdon,I’mputtingoneonrightnow.”
“I’mwaiting,”hesaid,histonelighternow—happy,even.Iwasitchingtoseehisfaceandhis

smile,butIwasn’tabouttoopenthecurtainwhileIwasstillinmyunderwear.

“Holdon,”IsaidasIslippedthedressovermyheadandsuckedmybreathintopullitdown.I

pausedasIpressedmybreastsinwithonehandandcontinuedtopullthedressdown.Iwasprayingto
Godthatthematerialwouldn’trip.ThatwouldbeallthatIneeded.

“Mila?”TJsoundedimpatient.
“TJ,”Isaid,annoyed,asIsuckedinmystomachsothatthematerialcouldgodown.Whenitgot

tomyhips,Ipaused,asIwasn’tsureifIcouldgetitallthewaydown.Ishimmiedbackandforthand
thenstoodstill,pullingthematerialdownmylegs.ThenIlookedinthemirrorandstartedgrinningat
myreflection.Thedresslookedamazingand,eventhoughitwastight,itheldmeininalltheright
placesandmademybodylookalottighterandfitterthanitwas.Ijuststaredatmyreflectionfora
fewsecondsbeforeafeelingofshynessoverwhelmedme.WhatifTJdidn’tlikeit?Whatifhedidn’t
thinkIlookedamazing?Whatif—?

“Mila,isitonyet?”TJsaid,hisvoicelower.Inresponse,Iopenedthecurtainandgavehima

smallglaretoshowhimthatIwasangryathisimpatience.“Ooh,”hesaidashestaredatme,hiseyes
wideningandaslowgrinspreadingoverhisfacebeforehegavealoudwhistle.“Worththewait.”He
grinned,hiseyestravellingdownmybodyandstoppingatthelongslitthatwentupthelegs.
“Definitelyworththewait.”

“Letmeseeyou,Mila.”Sallyhurriedoverandhereyesalsowidenedassheglancedatme.“Wow,

you’rehot.”

“Yes,sheis,”TJsaidinresponseasIjuststoodthere,grinninglikeafool,feelingmoreflattered

thanI’deverfeltinmylife.

“Now,youjustneedtogetsomeheels,”Sallysaidwithagrin.“Somenewheelstomatchthe

dress.”

“Ihaveheels.”IshookmyheadatSally.Iwasn’tgoingtogocrazywithTJ’screditcard.
“Notthatmatchthatdress,”Sallysaidandgrabbedmyhand.“Turnaround,”Shesaidasshespun

meinacircle.“Wow,thebackisgorgeousaswell,”SallysaidandshenoddedatmeasIfacedher
again.“Greatpick.”

“Thedressisamazing,”TJsaidsoftly,hiseyessearchingmineforafewsecondsasIlookedat

him.“Almostasamazingasyou.”

“Thankyou,”Isaid,myheartracingathiswords.Whatdidtheymean?Washereallyfallingfor

me?

“I’mproudtocallyoumyfakefiancée,”hesaid,hiseyesmovingaway.“Icouldn’thavepicked

anyonebetterfortherole.”

“Thanks,”Isaid,mysmilefallingslightly.Washeansweringmyunaskedquestion?Washe

puttingmeinmyplaceincaseIgotanyotherideas?

“Youlookreallygorgeous,Mila.Simplybeautiful,”hesaid,lookingbackatme,hisexpression

slightlybewildered.“Ishouldgo,”hesaidandtookastepback.

“Go?”Iasked,lookingathiminconfusion.“Youjustgothere.”Ilaughedathim,feelingslightly

uncomfortable.

“AndIseeyou’reingoodhands.”HelookedatSallyandthenbackatme,beforetakingaquick

steptowardsme.Hegavemeakissonthecheekandthenjuststaredintomyeyesforafewseconds
beforegivingmethemostbeguilingsmile.“I’mgoingtogobacktoworknow.”

“Okay,”Isaid,feelingbreathlessasIsmiledbackathim.“I’llseeyoutonight?”
“I’llpickyouupatseven,”hesaid,hiseyesbecomingclosedoffagain.“Don’teat.”
“Okay,”Isaidagainandjustnoddedandwatchedhimashewalkedoutofthestore.ThenIturned

toSally.“I’mnotsurewhatjusthappenedthere.”Ilookedatherwithwide,confusedeyes.

“Helikesyou.”Shesmiledatme,butIcouldseethatshelookeddazedaswell.“He’sacrazy,

psychostalker,butIthinkhemighthaverealfeelingsforyou.”

“Youthinkso?”
“Yeah.”Shenoddedandthenreachedoverandgrabbedmyhand.“Though,Idon’tknowwhatthat

means.Idon’tknowifheevenknows.Idon’tknowifherealizes.AndIdon’tknowifhewantstobe
thatguy.”

“Whatguy?”Ifrownedather,notreallyunderstanding.
“Theforeverguy,”shesaidslowly.“Idon’tknowifhe’scomfortablewithhisemotions.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Isaid,myvoicerising.
“Idon’tknow.”Sheshookherheadandshrugged.“Ignoreme.Let’sgetyououtofthisdressso

youcanbuyit,thenwecangoandgetyousomenewheels.”

“Sally.”IlaughedatherinsistencethatIgetnewshoesaswell.“Thisdressisenough.Idon’twant

himtothinkI’mtakingadvantageofhim.”

“Oh,Idon’tthinkhe’llthinkthat,”shesaidandturnedaround.“Ifanything,he’stakingadvantage

ofyou,”shesaidasshewalkedaway.Iwalkedbackintothedressingroom;heartracingasIignored
herwhisperedwords.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutanythingtoodeeply.Ididn’treallyunderstandwhat
wasgoingonbetweenTJandme,andatthispoint,Ididn’twantto.

***

“I’llhavethisdress,please.”Iwalkeduptothesalesladywhowasnowlookingatmewithacertain
admirationinhereyes.Iwaspositiveitwasbecauseshe’dseenTJandwasmostprobablywondering
howsomeonelikemehadlandedastudlikehim.

“Certainly,madam.Anythingelse?”ShebeamedatmeandItriednottorollmyeyes.

“Nope.Iwould’veboughtsomeotherdressesfortheballsI’mgoingtonextmonth,butIthinkI’ll

goelsewhere,”IsaidasIpulledoutmynewblackcardanddroppeditonthecounter.“Thanks,
though.”

Shepickedupthecard,hereyesslightlycoldasshelookedatme.“CanIseesomeID,madam?”
“Ofcourse.”IstaredathersweetlyasItookoutmydriver ’slicense.Ittookeverythinginmenot

togloatatherandtellherItoldyouIcouldaffordadressinhere,biatch.Though,ofcourse,Ididn’t.
Notonlybecauseitwouldhavebeenchildish,butalsobecauseitwasn’treallytrue.Icouldn’tafford
crapinhere,butIwasn’tgoingtotellherthat.

“Sowhowasthatyoungmanthatjustcamein?”sheaskedmecasuallyandIcouldseethatthe

othersalesladywaspayingattentionnowaswell.

“Myfiancé.”Igrinnednonchalantly.
“Oh.”HerlipsthinnedassheglancedatmeagainandIjustsmiledwidelyather.Inthatmoment,I

feltlikeamilliondollarsandIwasgoingtoremindmyselftoneverjudgeabookbyitscoverinthe
futureaswell.

ChapterThree

Mila

Myfeetwerestartingtohurtinmyheels.I’dknownthatfour-inch-heelsweretoohightobe
comfortable,butSallyhadtalkedmeintobuyingthembecausetheymademycalveslook“killer.”I
wasnowregrettingfollowingmyvanity—especiallyseeingasTJhadbarelyglancedatmeortalked
tomesincewe’darrivedattheparty.Andeventhoughothermenweregivingmeappreciativelooks,
itdidn’treallymattertome.

TheonlyoneIwantedthinkingIlookedhotwasTJ.Andboy,didhelookhottonightwithhis

crispwhiteshirtandblacktuxedo.Hisshortblackhairwasslickedbackandhisgreeneyeswere
illuminatedonhistanface.HisshoulderswerestrongandmuscularandIcouldn’tstopmyselffrom
staringathisshapely,muscularlegsandstrongbuttashewalked.I’dneverexperiencedsuchlust
fromjustlookingatamanbefore,butTJwasdrivingmecrazy.MaybeitwasbecauseIknewexactly
whathisstrong,athleticbodycoulddotomeandIwasmissingtheattention.Hecouldatleastgive
mesomesortofsexy“Iwanttofuckyourightnow”smile.Butno,nothing.Isippedonmywineand
triedtostifleasigh.Ihadissues.Ididn’twantourrelationshiptobeallaboutsex,butallIcouldthink
aboutrightnowwasbeingwithTJinastrictlycarnalway.Thehairsonmyneckstartedtostandon
endandIlookedtotherighttoseethatTJwasstaringatmewithnarrowedeyes.

“What?”Iaskedafteralmostaminuteofhimjuststaringatme.
“What?”heaskedandblinked,hiseyesnotleavingminebutasmilenotreachinghisfaceeither.
“Nothing,”Isaidandlookedaway,feelingflushedandhot.Whywashejuststaringatmeandnot

sayinganything?MystomachchurnedasIthoughtaboutthelookthathadbeeninhiseyes.Whatdid
itmean?Iwasgoingtodrivemyselfcrazybyover-analyzingeverylookhegaveme.

“Seethatdooroverthere?”TJmovedclosertome,sothathisbodywasrightnexttomine.I

couldfeelhisbodyheatrightnexttome,eventhoughweweren’ttouching.Ilookedoverathimand
henoddedtoadoorontheothersideoftheroom.

“Yeah.”Inodded.“Why?”
“Iwantyoutogointothatroomandwaitforme.”
“Why?”Ilookedupandstaredintohiseyes.
“You’llsee.Iwantittobeasurprise.”Hewinkedatmeandhishandsliddowntomyass.
“TJ,therearepeoplestandingrightoutsidethatdoor.”Myeyeswidenedashishandrestedonthe

smallofmyback.“I’mnotgoingintheretowaitforyoutodowhateveryouwanttodotome.”
Though,IdesperatelywantedtojustruntotheroomsothatIcouldwaitforhimtotakeme.

“YouknowwhatIwanttodotoyou.”Heleaneddownandkissedmycheekandmovedhismouth

tomyear,histonguelickingmelightlybeforehewhispered,“Iwanttopullthatsexy,slinkydressoff
ofyou,butIwon’t.InsteadI’lljustpullitupashighasitcango.ThenI’llreachdownandI’llmove
yourpantiestotheside.Actually,no,maybeI’lljustripthemoff,keeptheminmypocketasaparty
souvenir.”HisvoicewashuskyandIshiveredathiswords.“ThenI’llbendyouoversoyourassisin
theairandI’lltouchyoulightly,delicately,andcaressyoubeforeIgiveyouwhatwebothwant.”

“Ithinkyou’llfindthattobeadifficulttask,”Isaidsoftly,battingmyeyelashesupathim,though

IwasfindingithardtotalkbecauseIwassoturnedon.MybodywasonfireandIfoundmyself
wantingtoplayalongwithhimandhissexytalk.IwantedtoshowhimthatIwasn’tscaredofhis
sexualside.InfactIcravedit.Itturnedmeon.EventhoughIlovedhimandwasscaredthatthiswas
allaboutsexforhim,IwantedhimtoknowthatIcouldgiveasgoodasIgot.

“Whyisthat?”Heleanedbackandhiseyesboreintomineintenselyasifweweretheonlytwo

peopleintheroom.

“BecauseIdon’thaveanypantieson,”Isaid,leaningoverandwhisperinginhisearbefore

smilingsweetly.Iheardhissharpintakeofbreathandthenwalkedawayfromhimquicklyandheaded
overtotalktoasmallgroupofwomenwhowerestandingnexttous.“Hi,I’mMila,”IsaidasI
approachedthegroup.Theylookedtowardsmecuriously,withsurprisedexpressions.“I’mTJ
Walker ’sfiancée,”Isaid,feelingslightlyoutofplacelikesomesortofintruder.

“Weknowwhoyouare,”theoldest-lookingladyansweredwithatightsmile.“Gladyoucould

joinustonight.”

“Oh,it’smypleas—”
“Excuseus,ladies.”TJgrabbedmyarmasheinterruptedmeandpulledmeawayfromthecircle

ofwomen.“Ineedtotalktomyfiancée.”

“TJ,”Igaspedashepulledme.“Whatareyoudoing?Peoplearelooking.”
“Theycanlook.Theycanlisten.Idon’tcare,”hesaidasweheadedtowardsthedoor.“Ihavean

investigationtotakecareof.”

“Whatinvestigation?”Iasked,confused,myheartthudding.
“Iwanttoknowif,one,youreallyhavenounderwearonand,two,ifyouareaswetasIthinkyou

arerightnow?”

“TJWalker,”Isqueakedaswemadeourwaypasthisfatherandthegroupofboardofdirectors.

“Noway.”

“Oh,Ithinkway.”HestoppedabruptlyandIcrashedintohim.Hishandsreachedouttosteadyme

andheheldmeclosetohisside.Helookeddownintomyfaceandsmiledasweetyetdevioussmile
ashisfingerscaressedmylips.“IfIhaven’ttoldyouyet,thatdressisverysexy,”hesaidsmoothly
andhiseyesfelltomypartiallyexposedchest.“Very,verysexy.”

“You’vetoldme,”IsaidasIgazedbackathiminhisblacktuxedo.Helookeddisturbingly

handsome,withhisdarksilkyhairthatwasslightlytoolongandwild,hisgreeneyesthatglittered
intominelikeemeralds,haughtyandsuperior,andhispinklusciouslipsthatwereturnedupand
waitingtodoallsortsofnaughtythingstome.Ibitdownonhisfingerasitinvadedmymouthandhe
pulleditbackquicklywithalookofsurpriseonhisface.

“Feistytonight,”hesaidhuskily.“Ilikeit.”
“You’llbelikingitintheprivacyofourbedroom,though,nothere,”Itoldhimsmartly,licking

thetasteofhimoffofmylips.

“Yes,I’llbeenjoyingitthereaswell.”Hegrinnedasheleanedclosertome.Hebentdownand

kissedmylipsandthenpulledawayslightly.“AndI’llbeenjoyingithereaswell.”

“No,youwon’t,”Isaid,grinningbackathimasIleanedforwardandkissedhim.“Sorryabout

yourluck,TJ.”

“Oh,don’tbesorry,”hesaid,histeethgrabbingontomylowerlipsohecouldsuckit.“Myluck

isquitefine.”

“TJ.”Igrabbedontohisshouldersandpushedhimback.“Wecan’tdothishere.”
“Ithinkwecan,”hesaid,butheletgoofmylipsandrubbedhisownwithhisfingers.Hegrabbed

myhandsandwinked.“Now,comewithme.”

“TJ,no,thisisnotanappropriatevenue.”Isqueezedhishandsandhissed.“We’renotgoing—”
“IknowaboutOperationCondor,”hesaidlightlyandlookedbackatme,hiseyeslookingamused

ashestaredatme.

“Oh,mygosh.”MyheartstoppedforasecondasIstoodthere,feelingembarrassedashebrought

upthecodenameforthe“seduceTJ”planI’dinventedwithSallywhenIwasyounger.“Howdoyou
know?”

“Ithinkyou’dbettercomewithmeandfindout,”hesaidandturnedbackaroundandstarting

walkingagain.Ifollowedalongsidehim,myentirebodyfeelinghotlikeIwaslyingonabeachinthe

Caribbean;onlyIwasn’tinarelaxedstate.TJstoppedoutsidethedoor,turnedtolookatmeandthen
grinned.“Gooutsideandmeetmebymycar,”hesaidsoftlyandIfrowned.

“What?”Ilookedathimandthenthedoorbehindhim.“Ithoughtweweregoinginthere?”
“Ichangedmymind.”Heshrugged.“We’renotgoinginthereanymore.”
“TJ?What’sgoingon?”Iaskedhim,feelingconfused.
“You’reabouttofindout.”Helickedhislips,grabbedmyhandandbeforeIknewwhatwas

happening,he’dpulledmebehindthedoorintowhatappearedtobeabathroom.

“TJ?”IgaspedasIfelthisfingersslidingupundermydress.
“Justchecking,”hegrowledashisfingersfoundmywetness.“IjustwantedtomakesureIwas

right.”

“TJ,”Imoanedashisfingersslidbackandforthandthenstoppedtorubonmythrobbingbud.

“TJ,wecan’tdothishere.”Imoanedasheslippedafingerinsideofme.

“We’renotgoingtodoithere,”hesaidhuskily.
“Oh?”Ilookedathiminconfusion,lusthavingtakenovermyfaculties.“Arewegoinghome

already?”

“We’renotgoinghome,”hesaidandshookhishead,histeethgrinningatme.“Goandwaitbythe

carforme.”

“Idon’tunderstand.”
“Youwill.”Helaughed.“Nowgo.”
“Okay,”Isaid,feelingdazedasIstraightenedmydressoutandwalkedawayfromhimback

towardsthedoor.

“Thatdressreallydoeslooksexyonyou.”Hegrowledfrombehindmeandpulledmebackinto

hisarmssothathecouldnuzzlemyneck.“Andthoseheelsaswell.WortheverypennyIspent.”

Istiffenedinhisarmsashementionedthefactthathe’dpaidforthedressandshoes.Itstillmade

mefeelslightlyuncomfortable.LikeIwassomesortofpaidwomanorsomething.

“Iliketospoilyou,Mila,”hewhisperedintomyear.“Iwanttospoilyou.Pleaseletmedothat

withoutyoufreezingup.”

“Fine,”IwhisperedasIturnedmyheadtolookathim.Hegavemeaquickkissonthesideofthe

faceandthenletmego.

“Seeyououtside,”hesaidashelightlytappedmybottom.
“I’llbewaiting,”Isaidsassilybacktohimandthenlefttheroom.

***

IstoodbyTJ’scar,wonderingwhattheplanwas.Iwasexcitedandslightlyembarrassedathow
exhilaratedIfeltwhilewaitingineageranticipation.Ihadn’tknownthatsexwouldmakemefeellike
this.Ihadn’tknownthatthepullofthebodycouldbeevenmoreintensethanthepulloftheheart.It
mademestarttounderstandwhysomanypeoplesleptaround,butitdidmakemewonderifitwasas
intenseandgoodiftherewasn’talsolove.IthoughtbacktotheguysI’ddatedinhighschooland
collegeandwonderedifIwouldhavefeltthesamewayaboutthem.Idoubtedit.Ineverhadsuper
intensefeelingsforthemandIcouldn’timaginethattheywereasskilledasTJ.

TJmadelovemakingexciting,evenslightlydangerous.Iknewthathewasmostprobablyamore

intense,slightlypsychoticloverthanmost,butthatmadehimevenmoreintoxicatingtome.Nothing
aboutTJwasroutine.Nothingabouthimwasnormal.AndIlovedthatabouthim.Ilovedgettingto
knowhishiddenlayers.ItmademefeellikeIwasgettingtoknowhimbetter.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”TJ’svoicewascaressingashewalkedtowardsmewitha

confidentstrutandaslysmileonhisface.

“Iwasthinkingaboutmyex-boyfriends,”Isaidhonestly,watchingashefrowned.
“What?”Helookedannoyedashestoppedinfrontofme.
“Iwasjustwonderingwhatitwouldhavebeenlikeifwe’dhadsex,”Isaidsheepishly.“Ifthey

wouldhavewowedmeinbedlikeyouhave.”

TJjuststaredatmethen.Idon’tthinkhegotthecomplimentI’dgivenhim,basedontheangry

lookonhisface.MystomachsankasIrealizedI’dsaidthewrongthing.

“Imean,notthatIwantthemtocomeandwowmeinbednow...”Myvoicetrailedoffandhe

continuedtojuststareatme.“Iwasjustthinkingaboutthepast.”Imadeafaceathim.“Say
something.”

“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”TJgrowledatme.“IthinkI’drathershowyouthantellyou.”
“Showmewhat?”
“HowI’mthinkingandfeeling.”Hiseyesglitteredatme.“I’llmakeyouforgetallthoseexesonce

andforall.”

“It’snotlikeIwanttobewiththem.”Isighed.“Iwasjusttellingyouwhatwasgoingthroughmy

mindthemomentyoucameuptome.”

“Mila,”hesaidwithashakeofhishead,“enough.”
“Enoughwhat?”Igawkedathim.“Ihaven’tevenreallysaidanything.It’snotlikewewereinbed

andIscreamedoutoneoftheirnamesorhadfantasiesofyoubeingoneofthem.”

“Mila.”Hecameclosertomeandhisnostrilswereflaring.“Youarecompletelyridiculous.”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Ifrownedathim.“I’mnotridiculous.”
“IfIweren’tagentleman,Iwouldbendyouoverrighthereandnowandshowyouwhat’swhat,”

TJsaid,hisvoicethroatyasheleaneddowntolookintomyeyes.

“Yeah,Iguessifyouweren’tagentleman,youwoulddothat,”Isaid,mybreathcomingquickly

asIlookedupintohiseyes,mylipsamereinchfromhim.

“AreyoudoubtingthefactthatI’magentleman?”hesaid,hislipsmovingagainstminebutnot

kissingme.

“Wouldthatbeasurprise?”Isaidasmylipstouchedhisgently.
“No.”Hechuckledandpressedhislipsagainstmineharder,thistimeactuallykissingme.
“Youknowyou’readirtyrottenscoundrelinside.”Ikissedhimbackandthentuggedonhislower

lipwithmyteeth.

“Andyouloveit,”hesaid,hiseyesstaringintomineashishandscreptaroundmywaist.“You

wantmetobeadirtybastard,”hesaid,pushinghimselfintome.Icouldfeelhishardnessagainstmy
lowerbellyandIfeltastirringinsidemysoul.

“Idon’twantyoutobeanythingyoudon’twanttobe,”Isaid,swallowinghardashepulledme

closertowardshim.

“Aren’tyouconsiderate?”Healmostpurredashishandscreptupandcuppedmybreasts.
“Yes.”Ismiledinnocentlybackathimandreacheddownandgrabbedhispackage.“I’mvery

considerate.”Isqueezedgentlyandhegroanedashegrewinmyhands.

“Yes,youare.”Hegroanedandmovedhismouthtomyearandblewsensually.“Iwanttofuck

you,Mila.Iwanttobendyouovermycarandtakeyoufrombehind.Itwon’tberomanticanditwon’t
beslow.”

“Okay,”IsqueakedoutasIblushed.
“Areyouokaywiththat?”Heleanedbackandlookedatme.“Orwillyouconsidermean

asshole?”

“Idon’tthinkyou’reanasshole.”
“Ijustwanttomakesure.IrememberinyourOperationCondorhandbook,youhadsomething

aboutsexinacar.Iwasn’tsureifsexoveracarwasthesame.”

“Oh,myGod.”Myfacegrewredder.“That’showyouknew?Yousawmynotebook?”
“Maybe.”Helaughedandthennodded.“Ireaditonce.”Hegrinned.“Iwaswaitingtoseeifyou

wereevergoingtomakeamoveonmeinthebackseatofacar.Iwasdisappointedthatyounever
did.”

“Oh,myGod,Icoulddie,”IsquealedasIdesperatelytriedtorememberexactlywhatI’dwritten

inthenotebook.IknowIhadseveralseductiontechniquesintherethatI’dneverused,butIcouldn’t
rememberwhatelseImighthavewrittenabout.

“It’snotthatbad.”Helaughedandthenwinked.“NowIcanhelpyouliveoutsomeofyour

fantasies.”

“Thoseweren’tmyfantasies,”IprotestedasIcontinuedtosqueezehishardness.
“Whatwerethey,then?Hegruntedandthrusthimselfintomyhands.
“TheywerewhatIthoughtwouldbeyourfantasies,”Iadmitted,slightlyembarrassed.
“Youwantedtomakemyfantasiescometrue?”
“Yes.”Inoddedandcriedoutashespunmearoundandpushedmeoverthehoodofhiscar.“TJ?”
“Shh,we’remakingoneofmyfantasiescometrue,”hesaidandIfelthimslidinghiszipperdown

behindme,beforepullingmydressupandtotheside.

“TJ?”IgaspedasIfeltthecoolairhitmybehind.“Shouldwebedoingthishere?Whatif

someoneseesus?”

“That’swhywehavetobequick.”HegruntedandIfelthimthrustinsideofmedeepandhard.
“Ooh,”Icriedoutashefilledmeup.IfellforwardandImoanedashethrustinandoutofme

quickly.Thecarmetalwascoldagainstmycollarbone,butTJwaswarmingmeupfrominside.

“Oh,Mila,you’resowetforme.Youweresowetandreadyforthis,weren’tyou?”
“TJ.”Imoanedouthisname,unabletosayanythingelseasIfeltanorgasmbuildingup.I

couldn’tbelieveIwaslettinghimfuckmeintheparkinglot,whereanyonecouldseeus,butthatwas
partofbeingwithTJ—theexcitement,thedanger,itwasallanaddedplus.Helivedlifeontheedge,
everysingleday,andIwasstartingtoenjoythataswell.

“Mila.”Hegrabbedmyhipsandslammedintome,overandoveragain,sothatIcouldbarely

breathe.HiscockfeltsodeepinsideofmethatIthoughtIwasgoingtopassoutfromthepleasure.
“I’mgoingtocome.”HegroanedandIallowedmyselftoletgocompletelyinthelastfewthrusts.He
collapsedontopofmeafterwecame,andwejustlaythereonthecarforafewsecondsbeforehe
steppedback,pulledmeupandstraightenedmydressbackdown.

“Iwantyoutomoveinwithmetomorrow,”TJsaidasheheldmeclosetohim.“Ineedtohave

youaroundallthetime.”

“Iknow,youalreadysaidthatbefore.”Ipanted,notwantingtothinktoomuchintoit,asmybody

wasstillridinghighonmyorgasm.Ididn’twanttogrowhopethathewantedmeclosebecausehe
wasfallingforme.“ButIcan’tmoveintomorrow.Istillneedtopackandgetmystufftogether.”

“Thedayafter?”Hefrowned.
“Afewdays.”Ilaughedandtouchedthesideofhisfacelightlyashepouted.“I’llmovein,ina

fewdays.”

“Good,”hesaidandthenkissedmeontheforehead.“That’ssettledthen.”
“Thenyoucanhaveyourwickedwaywithmewheneveryouwant,”Isaidteasingly,thoughI

wasn’treallyjoking.

“Yup.”Hewinkedandleanedoverandbitdownonmylip.“WheneverIwant,”hesaidashe

lookedintomyeyes.“Justaslongasyou’rewilling.”

I’malwayswillingcrossedmymind,butinsteadIstayedsilentandjustsmiledathim.Confusion

andlustwereinvadingmymindandIwasstartingtogetcaughtupinthefogofemotionsthatTJhad
alwaysbroughttomylife.

“Let’sgobackinside.”Hesmiledandheldmyhandandwewalkedbackintothepartywithhuge

grinsonourfaces.

ChapterFour

TJ

OneYearAgo

“IneedyoutogotoParistomorrow,signthecontractfortheHatcherdeal.”Mydadlookedupatme,
asmallfrownonhisface.“Andseeifyoucangetthemtoincludethepatentsfromtheirglamour
manufacturers.”

“Tomorrow?”Ifrownedathim.“Ican’tgotomorrow.”
“Youhavetoflyouttomorrow,soyoucansignthecontractthefollowingday.”
“Ican’tgotomorrow.”Ishookmyhead,notwantingtotellhimwhy.
“TJ,thisisn’tadiscussion.You’regoingtomorrow.”Mydadwaslookingatmewithnarrowed

eyes.

“IhavesomethingtodoonFriday,”Isaid.“You’llhavetogo.”
Iwatchedasmydadpursedhislips.Hedidn’tlikebeingdisobeyed.
“Whycan’tyougo?”heaskedme,hislipsthin.
“Mila’sgraduating,”Isaid,noticingthedismissivelookonhisface.
“Fromhighschool?”Hesneered.
“College,”Isaidmyvoicetingedwithanger.“Sheaskedmetocomewatchherwalk.”
“Isthatreallyimportant?”Hestaredatme,hiseyescold.
“It’simportanttoMila.”
“Herfamilyisgoing,yes?”Hesighed.“Whydotheyneedyoutogo?Youcanstillgivehera

graduationpresentifyoudon’tgo.”

“Sheaskedmetogo,”Isaid,startingtogetangry.“I’mnotflyingtoParis.”
“TravisJamesWalker,agraduationisnotmoreimportantthanafifty-million-dollardeal.”
“Itistome,”Isaid,tryingtoexplaintohimandmyselfwhyitwassoimportanttomethatIattend.

“She’smybestfriend’ssister.She’sbeeninmylifeforyears.Thisisimportanttoher.It’simportant
tome.I’mgoing.”

“Soyou’regoingbecauseyoufeellikeit’syoursisterthat’sgraduating?”Mydadsneered.“Are

youtellingmethatyouwishI’dgivenyousiblings?”

“I’mnotsayinganythinglikethat,”Isaid,myfistsclenching.Hedidn’tunderstandthatIhaddeep

feelingsforthewholeBrookstonefamily.Hedidn’tunderstandthatIconsideredthemtobecloser
familythanhewas.Hedidn’tunderstandthatMilawasspecialandwhenshe’dcalledmemonthsago
tellingmeshewasgraduatingandaskedifI’dcometotheceremony,somethinginmehadlitup.I
wasn’tgoingtomissitifIcouldhelpit.

“Fine.”Mydadpursedhislips.“I’mnothappyandthisshowsmethatIdon’tthinkyou’re

anywhereneartobeingabletotakeoverthecompany.I’mgoingtohavetodosomeserious
thinking.”

“MayIgonow?”Iasked,notinterestedinmydad’semotionalandmentalblackmail.Ifhewanted

topassonhiscompanytosomeoneelse,hecoulddoso.

“Yes,”hesaid,andasIwalkedoutofhisoffice,Icouldfeelhiseyesboringintomyback.I

openedthedoor,closeditandcontinuedonoutofthebuilding.Iwasdonefortheday.Myheartwas
racingandIwasn’tquitesurewhyI’drefusedmydadonsuchanimportantdealforacollege
graduation.IwasprettysurethatMilawouldn’tcarethatmuchifI’dmissedit.ButIwantedtobe
there.Iwantedtobeapartofherspecialoccasion.Iwantedtohugherandcongratulateheronfinally

becomingafull-grownadult.Iwantedtowelcomehertotheworld.Aworldshedidn’tknowyet.I
wantedtobethereforher.Inmorewaysthanone.

CurrentDay

“Soooo...”Milalookedatmeawkwardly,herthreelargesuitcasessetinfrontofherwaitingtobe
carriedtomybedroom.IhadtoadmitthatIwasslightlytakenabackathowmuchstuffshe’dbrought
withher.I’dbeenexpectingaduffelbagofclothesorsomething,notwhatappearedtobeherentire
wardrobe.Iwonderedwhatthetaxidrivermusthavethoughtwhenhe’ddroppedheroff.Ifhewas
anythinglikeme,heprobablythoughtthatshewasthinkingthatshewasmovinginforever.Itriednot
topanicatthethought,thoughapartofmekindoflikedtheideathatshe’dbeherewithmeforever.

“So?”Isaidwithasmallsmile.Iwasn’tgoingtomakethiseasyforher.
“WhereshouldIputmysuitcases?”
“Wheredoyouwantthemtogo?”
“Inmyroom.”Sheshrugged,herfaceturningred.Ithoughtitwascutethatshecouldstillbe

embarrassedinfrontofme,aftereverythingwe’ddonetogether.

“Youmeanourroom?”IaskedsoftlyasIwalkedtowardsher.“Theroomwiththewhipsand

chains?”

“Iguessso.”Shelickedherlipsnervously,hereyeswideningslightlyatmywords.Iknewshe

waswonderingifIwasjokingornot.Actually,Itakethatback.IknewthatsheknewthatIwasn’t
joking.

“Doyouwanttoseemysecretdungeon?”Itouchedhershoulderlightlyandgazedintoherwarm

browneyes,asecretthrillrunningthroughmeasIsawthecuriosityinhereyes.

“WoulditbeasecretifIsawit?”sherepliedsmartlyandIlaughed.ShewasstillmysnappyMila,

nomatterwhatwe’ddonetogether.I’dbeenslightlyworriedthatshe’dbealittleoverwhelmedand
scaredofme.IdidhaveavoracioussexualappetiteandIknewthatsomewomendidn’tenjoythe
risksandadventuresIlikedtotake.Itmademeappreciatethewomanshe’dgrownintoevenmore.

“Well,you’llseeiteventually.”Iwinked.“ButIsupposethatwillbewhenyou’renakedand

beggingmeto—”

“Ha.”Sherolledhereyesassheinterruptedme.“Iwon’tbebeggingyoutodoanything.”
“Ohhowfoolishandyoungyouare.”Ilaughed,myfingersrunningalonghertremblinglips.

“Howmanytimesdoyouhavetoberemindedotherwise?”

“Remindedofwhat?”
“Remindedofhowgooditfeelstobegme.AndhowgooditfeelswhenIgiveintoyourpleas.”
“Idon’tbegandpleaandyoudon’tgivein.It’snotgivinginifyouwantitaswell,TJ.”
“ShallItellyouwhatIwantrightnow?”Isaid,leaningdownandkissingherlipssoftly.She

kissedmeback,hertonguelickingmylipsbeforeshegentlysuckedonmylowerlipandbitdown
withhersmall,sharpteeth.Ifeltastirringinmyloinsasmyhandsmoveddowntoherwaist,pulling
herclosertome,sothatshecouldfeelwhatshewasdoingtome.Ifelthersharpintakeofbreathas
myhardnesspressedagainstherstomachandIdeepenedourkiss,myhandsfallingtoherass.

“TJ,”shemoaned,herhandspushingmeback.
“Yes,”Igroaned,notwantingtostop.
“Myroom?”sheaskedsweetly,battinghereyelashesupatme.“I’vegotsomeunpackingtodo.”
“Idon’tknowwhyyoubroughtalltheseclotheswithyou,”IsaidasIpickeduptwoofher

suitcases.Igruntedathowheavytheywere.Whatexactlyhadshepacked?“It’snotlikeyou’regoing

tobewearingclothesmuch.”

“Oh?”Shetossedherlongblondhairtothesideandgavemeacutelittlesmile,hernose

crinklingasshegazedatme.“Isthatwhatyouthink?”

“That’swhatIknow,”Igrowledasshepokedmeinthechestwithherindexfinger.Inoticedthat

she’drecentlypaintedhernailsahot-pinkcolorandIwonderedifshehadpaintedhertoenailsthe
samecoloraswell.

“Keepfoolingyourself,Mila.”IlaughedasIwalkedtowardsmybedroomandshefollowed

behind.ItfeltstrangelyexcitingtobewelcomingMilatomyhome.I’dneverlivedwithawoman
beforeandIwasn’tsurewhattoexpect.IknowwhatIwashopingtoexpect,butIdidn’twanttoget
myhopesup.

“Ibroughtsomesheetswithme,ifyoudon’tmind,”shesaidsoftlyaswewalkedintothe

bedroom.“Ithoughttheywouldsoftenuptheroom.”ShegavemeanimpishsmileasIputhercases
downandturnedtoher.“SeeingasIliveherenowaswell.”Shewalkedovertothebedandpulledthe
duvetoffandhandedittome.“Imightaswellchangethesheetsnow,seeingasIhaveyouherewith
me.”

Istoodthereinsilenceassheproceededtopullthedarkgraysheetsoffofmybed.TosayIfelt

stunnedwasanunderstatement.Thiswasallofasuddenseemingreal.RealerthanI’dexpected.And
myworrygrew.WhatifMila’sexpectationsweredifferentfrommine?Whatifweweren’tonthe
samepagethatIthoughtwewereon?MyheartskippedabeatasIstaredatthebackofherbodywhile
shehummedtoherselfhappily.Iwaslyingtomyselfandtoher.Iknewthatherexpectationswere
different.IknewthatIwasplayingwithfire.Iknewthatoneorbothofuswasgoingtogetburned,
butIdidn’tcare.Ididn’tcarebecauseinthatmomentallIcouldthinkaboutweremyneeds.Andher
needs.Andtohellwiththerest.Tohellwiththesecretsandlies.Tohellwithfeelings.Tohellwithall
ofit.IwasgoingtoshowMilathatallthethingsshethoughtI’dbeenjokingaboutwerereal.Iwas
goingtoshowhermysecretdungeon.Thedungeonshedidn’tbelievewasreal.AndIwasgoingto
haveherbeggingme.Beggingmetogivehermorepleasurethanshe’deverknowninherlife.And
thenIwasgoingtomakeherwait.Andwhilethewaitwouldalmostkillbothofus,itwouldonly
makethingssomuchbetter.Andthen,thenshewouldknowthatherdreamsandfantasiesaboutwhoI
wasandwhoweweretogetherwerejustthat—figmentsofherimagination.Andwhensherealized
that,IknewthatlifeasIknewitwouldbeover.

“TJ,don’tfreakout.”Sheturnedawayfromchangingthesheetsandlookedatme,herexpression

oneIdidn’ttrulyunderstand.“I’mnotlookingtochangewhoyouare,justyoursheets,”shesaid,
eyesgazingintomineknowingly.Though,Iwasn’tsureexactlywhatshethoughtsheknew.

“I’mnotfreakingout,”Isaid,thoughthatwasonlypartiallytrue.
“Seven,ten,twenty,”shesaidsoftlyandIfrozeasIgazedatherinshock.“That’sthecombination

toyoursecretroom.”

“Howdidyouknowthat?”IswallowedhardasItookasteptowardsher,theshockevidentinmy

voiceandonmyface.“Howdidyouknow?”IaskedagainasIsteppedinfrontofher.

“You’renottheonlyonewithsecrets,TJ.”Shelookedupatmewithcleareyes,asmallsmileon

herface.“Youmightrealizeonedaythatyoucan’tunderestimateme.Anywho,youfoundoutabout
OperationCondor.Ifoundoutaboutthecode.”

“YoumightrealizeonedaythatIneverdidunderestimateyou,”Isaidandshelookedawaythen,

somethinginhereyeschanging,makingmethinkthatshehadsomethingtohide.

“SodoIgetacloset?”Shechangedthesubject,andasmuchasIwantedtostopherandtellher

thatIwouldliketogobacktohowsheknewthecombinationnumber,Ididn’t.

“Acloset?”Igrinnedather.“Youwantawholecloset?”

“Well,Iguessadrawercoulddo.”Sherolledhereyesatme.“AndI’lljustliveoutofmy

suitcasesforthenextfourweeks.”

“Whatdidyoubringwithyou?”Iaskedher,wonderingwhatonearthshehadthoughttopackfor

fourweeks.

“Clothes,toiletries,books,mylaptop,makeup,bubblebath—”
“Bubblebath?”Iinterruptedher,surprised.“YouknowIhavebubblebath,right?OrthatIcanbuy

moreifIrunout.”

“IlikethebubblebathIbuy.It’sacantaloupemelonscentanditleavestheskinreallysoft.”
“Okay,sothat’sdefinitelyforyou,then.”Ilaughed.“Idon’twanttosmellofmelon.”
“It’samazing.”Shepouted.“Don’tknockituntilyoutryit.”
“That’sfine.I’lljustsmellyou.”
“Thatsoundssocreepy.”ShegiggledandIwatchedasshepulledouttwothrowpillowsfromone

ofherbagsandplacedthemonthebed.“Theymatchthesheets.”Shegrinnedimpishlyatmeasshe
sawmelookingatthepillows.

“Uhhuh,”Isaidandthenteasedher.“Noteddybearsaswell?”
“Nah,”shegiggled.“MaybeI’llmovetheminnextweek,onceIseehoweverythingworksout.”
“Uhhuh.”Ishookmyheadandlaughed.“I’mhungry.Wannagrababite?”
“Yes.”Shenoddedeagerly.“What’reyoumaking?”
“Oh.”Ipaused.“Ithoughtyouwouldmakesomething,nowthatyou’rehere.”
“WhatamI?Ahousewife?”Shelookedatmewithwideeyes.“Heretocookyourmealsand

serviceyou?”

“Iwouldn’tsayno.”Iwinkedatherandherjawdropped.“Butno,that’snotwhyyou’rehere.”I

shookmyhead.“AndIwasjokingaboutthefood.Iactuallyhavestuff.”

“Oh?”
“IboughtsometomatosoupatthedelilastnightandIhavestuffforgrilledcheesesandwiches.I

rememberyoualwayslovedsoupandgrilledcheese.”

“Goodmemory.”Shesmiledhappily.“Soundsyummy.Let’sgomake’em.Icanhelp.”
“Oh?”
“I’llheatthesoupup.”Shelaughedaswewalkedtothekitchen.“Youcanimpressmewithyour

grilled-cheese-makingskills.”

“Well,youknowIhavesomanyskills.Idon’twanttobeshowingoffallofthem.”
“Ithinkit’sokay.”Shepattedmeonthearm.“Ithinkyouwon’tgetabighead.”
“I’mnotgoingtosaywhatIwasgoingtosaybecauseyou’realady.”Iwinkedatherandshe

punchedmeinthearm.

“You’reapervert.”
“Andyoulovethataboutme.”
“Maybe,maybenot,”shesaid,hereyessofteningasshelookedatme.Ilaughed,myeyestaking

ineverydetailofherface.Thecurveofherlips,solusciousandpink,thetwinkleinhereyeasshe
gazedatmeinsomethingakintodelight.HerskinwasglowingandIcouldseejusthowhappyshe
was.Infact,mywholebodycouldfeelit,becauseIfeltthesameway.Wewerejustsoatease.Our
spiritsflowedtogether.ItfeltnaturalbeingwithMila.ShewastheonlypersonIevertrulyfelt
comfortablewith.ShemademefeellikeIcouldjustbeme.Allofme,ineveryway.Therewasno
facade.Therewasnotrying.Icouldtellmygoofyjokes.Icouldberude,fun,silly,sad,quiet,
whateverandshealwaysgotme.I’dneverreallythoughtaboutthatbefore.I’dneverreallythought
aboutjusthoweasyitwaswithher.

“Whatdoyouwanttodolater?”

“Idon’tknow.”Sheshrugged.“Maybetalkaboutthebusinessstuff?”Shemadeaface.“Exactly

whatI’mdoingasyourfour-weekfiancée?”sheaskedmeandlookedintomyeyessoearnestlythatI
feltmyheartstopforafewseconds.Italwayscamebacktothis.WhilesometimesIcouldforget
exactlywhatweweredoing,IknewIcouldneverreallyforget.Notwhenthetruthofthematterwas
soverydarkanddeep.MyheartsankandIcouldfeelmyenergysappingasIrealizedthatthis
comfortablefeelingwithMilamightsoonbesomethingofthepast.

“Eh,dowewanttotalkaboutbusiness?”Iaskedherlightly,myheartsinking.
“Iguessnot.”Sheshrugged.“WhataboutCodyandBarbie?Doyouknowwhat’sgoingonwith

them?”

“Whatdoyoumeanwhat’sgoingon?”Iopenedthefridgedoortotakeoutthebread,butterand

assortmentofcheeses.

“Aretheystillseeingeachother?”sheaskedcuriously.
“Ididn’tknowtheywereseeingeachother,”Isaidcarefully,studyingthecheesepacketsclosely.
“Well,theyhadsex.”Milasoundeddisgusted.“SoI’mcuriousifthat’sstillgoingon?Iwantedto

haveCodyandSallyoverfordinner,butnotifhe’sgoingtobringthatho.”

“Areyoutryingtomatch-makethem?”IlookedatMilathen.“Areyousurethat’sagoodidea?I

mean,Codyseemstobeallovertheplacerightnow.”

“SallyistoogoodforCody.”Milamadeaface.“He’smybrotherandIlovehim,butwhenhehad

sexwithBarbie,Icouldhavekilledhim.She’ssuchaskankybitch.”

“Mila.”Ishookmyheadather.
“What?”Sheglaredatme.“It’strue.AndIblameyouforbringingherthatweekend.”
“It’snotmyfaultthatCodysleptwithher.”Ireallydidn’twanttotalkaboutthis.Themorewe

talkedaboutBarbie,theworseIfelt.Miladidn’tknowhowIreallyknewBarbieand,atthispoint,
evenifIwantedtotellherIcouldn’t.Therehadbeentoomanylies.Toomuchdeceit.IknewthatMila
wouldn’tunderstand,especiallyseeingasIcouldn’ttellhereverythingthatwasgoingon.ButIalso
knewthatshewouldfindouteventually.Eventuallythetruthwouldcomeoutandeverythingaround
mewouldcomecrashingdown.

MystomachchurnedasIthoughtabouthowMilawouldreactwhenshelearnedthetruth.Icould

alreadyseethepainandhurtinhereyes,maybeevenangerandhatred.She’dneverforgiveme.That
Iknewforsure.AndIdidn’tknowifI’deverforgivemyselfeither.ButI’dcomesofar.Toofar.I
wasinitnow.Iwasamanofmyword.Ihadtofollowthrough.

Iwonderedthen,ifIcouldgobackintime,ifIwouldstillhaveagreedtotheplan.Atthetime,it

hadseemedquiteharmless.Ihadn’tthoughtthatitwasanythingmorethanabusinesstransaction,but
thenIhadn’tbeenthinkingwithanythingotherthanmyhead.Thingshadchangednow.Therewasa
partofmethatcouldn’tstopthinkingabouthowmuchIwashurtingMilaandshedidn’tevenknow.I
wasashamedofmyself.Iwasapredator,takingwhatIwantedwithoutanyregardtomyprey.Iwas
thetopofthefoodchain.Iwasking.AndIdidn’tlikewhoIwaswithallthatpower.Iwasadespot.A
despicableperson.

Yet,Iwasstillabletoforget.IwasstillabletobewithMilaandpretend.BecausewhenIwaswith

Mila,Ididforget.AllIthoughtaboutwashoweasyandgooditfelttobewithher.Shewasso
genuine,sosweet,soloving.IfrozeasIthoughtaboutthat.Shewasloving.Tooloving.Iknewshe
wasfallingdeeperanddeeperforme.Shepossiblystillhadacrushonme.Stillfeltshewasinlove
withme.Ilikedthat,butIdidn’t.Ididn’twanthertofallinlovewithme.Ididn’twanthertothinkthat
IwassomethingthatIwasn’t.Fallinginlovewithmewouldonlybreakherheartasecondtime.I
couldn’tdothattoher.Iwantedtobeselfish.Iwantedtofeelherlove.Oh,howherlovefilledmeup.
WhenIwaslyinginbedlateatnight,sometimesIwouldjustpicturehersmileandthelookinher
eyesassheleanedovertohugmeandkissmeanditwouldmakemewarm.Itwouldmakemefeel

thingsthatI’dneverimaginedfeelingbefore.Sometimesthosefeelingsmademefeeluncomfortable.
Iftheyhappenedintheday,Ibanishedthem.Butlateatnight,whenthelightswereoutanditwas
quiet,Icouldpretenditwasalladreamworld.Adream-worldfantasyandI’dletmyselfenjoyit.I’d
letmyselfjustsoakitallin.Andinthosemoments,Ifeltalive,trulyalive.Itwasonlyinthemorning
thatI’dbeangryatmyself.

“TJ,areyoupayingattentiontome?”Milapokedmeinthearm.
“Sorry,what?”Igaveheranawkwardlook,nothavingheardawordshe’dsaid.“Iwasthinking

aboutsomething.”

“NotaboutBarbie,Ihope,”shesaidjealouslyandItriednottogrin.
“MaybeI’llthinkaboutBarbiewhileyouthinkofyourex-boyfriends.”
“You’reanasshole.”Sheglaredatme.
“AmI?”Iaskedherandleanedoverandkissedheronthelips.“Let’snottalkaboutBarbie

anymore.She’stiresome.”

“Sodoesthatmeanshe’sbanishedfromourlivesforever?”Milaaskedeagerly,hereyeswideand

ahugesmileonherface.

“Yeah,”Isaidsoftly,notwantingtolie,butnotknowingwhattosay.
“SoCodyisnolongerseeingher?”
“Codyisnolongerseeingher.”Inodded.Thatwastrue.Codyhadnointerestinherotherthan

fromthatnight.Thoughwehadn’treallyspokenaboutit.Wehadn’tspokenaboutmuchsincemyfake
engagementtoMila.Notthatheknewitwasfake.Hewaspissedatmeforhavingkeptour
“relationship”asecretforsolong.Ididn’tknowwhattotellhim.Icouldn’ttellhimthetrutheither.
Andthataddedtomyhurt.We’dbeenbestfriendsforsolongandIfeltthatIwasruiningeverything
withmyactions.

“AtleastCodygrewsomebrains.It’sapityithappenedbeforehebecameadouchebag.”
“IthinkhedidSallyafavor,”Isaid,stickingupforhim.“Atleastsheknowsnowthathelikesto

getaround.”

“Idon’tthinkthatmakesherfeelbetter.”Milarolledhereyes.“Menchangewhenthey’reinlove.”
“SoyouthinkCodywouldhavestoppedsleepingaroundifhewasinlovewithSally?”
“Yes.”Shenodded.“That’swhatloveisallabout.”
“Okay.”Itriedtohideagrin.
“What?It’strue.Whenpeopleareintruelove,theydon’tmessaround.”
“Uhm,okay.Truelove,huh?”Inodded.
“Whatever.”Shelookedpissed.“Imean,it’snotlikeyou’regoingtomessaroundonme,right?”

Hereyessearchedmine.

“Well,we’renotintruelove,sotechnicallyIcan,right?”IrespondedwithoutthinkingandIsaw

herfacedrop.Iimmediatelyregrettedmychoiceofwords,butthenrealizedthatperhapstheywere
thebestwordsIcouldhaveuttered.Imean,IhadtodisabuseMilaoftheideathatthiswasevergoing
tobesomepicture-perfectlovestory.Thatwasn’thowourstorywasgoingtogodown.

“Yeah,we’renotinlove.”Milashrugged,hervoicevoidofemotionasshelookedbackupatme

withadisinterestedexpression.“Wecandowhateverwewant.”

“Well,no,wecan’t.”Ifrowned.“Asperthecontract,webothwillremainfaithfulfortheduration

oftheengagement.”Ipursedmylips.“Wedon’twantanyoneontheboardtohaveanyinklingthat
thisisn’talovematch,andifyou’reflirtingaroundwithabunchofothermen,it’sgoingtobehard
toconvincethemofthatfact.”

“Yeah,’causeI’mthepersonthat’sgoingtobeflirtingaround.”Shesteppedback.“Excuseme,I

needtogototherestroom.”

“Okay.”Inodded.“Doyouneedanything?”

“Nope,”shesaidasshewalkedawayandI’mprettysureIheardhermumblingunderherbreath

somethinglike,“Ineedyoutonotbeaninsensitiveasshole.”Ididn’taskhertospeakup,though.She
wasentitledtoherthoughtsandfeelings.Infact,thisiswhatIwanted.Iwantedhertoenjoyhaving
funwithme,butIdidn’twanthertofallinlovewithme.Webothneededtorememberwhatthiswas
about.Thiswasforfunandexcitement.Thiswasformetofulfillmyobligationanddutiesforthe
promiseI’dmade.IsighedasIrealizedthatI’dmadeadealwiththedevilandIwonderedifIwas
goingtoburninhellfortherestofmylife.AsIstoodthere,feelinguneasy,Iknewthatthatwouldbe
alightpunishmentforthegameIwasplaying.Averylightpunishmentindeed.

ChapterFive

TJ

TwoYearsAgo

“Iwantarelationship.”Heidi’swhinewasirritatingmyearsandItriednottofrownather.“Iwantto
beyourgirlfriend.”

“ItoldyouI’mnotlookingforagirlfriend,”Isaidmatter-of-factlyandcheckedmywatchto

makesurethatIhadn’tmissedthebeginningofthegame.

“TJWalker,didyoujustcheckyourwatch?”Heidipouted.“Doyouhavesomewheretobethat’s

moreimportantthanthisconversation?”

“Honestly?”Iaskedher,wonderingifsherealizedjusthowhonestIwas.
“Yes,”shesaid,hereyeslookingintomineinasurprisedexpression.
“Okay,well,ItoldCodyI’dwatchthegamewithhimtonightandkickoffisintwentyminutes,soI

kindahavetoleavesoon.”

“Butyoujustgothereanhourago.”Shelookedincredulous.“Whatwasthis?Abootycall?”
“I’dhavetobegettingsomebootyforthat.”Iwinkedather,butshedidn’tlaugh.
“Allyouwantmeforissex,”shesaidslowlyasifthatwasjustdawningonher.Iwasn’tsurewhy

shewassosurprised.Iwasn’tsurewhyanygirlwassurprisedwhentheyrealizedIdidn’twanta
relationship.Inevertoldthemanythingdifferent.

“Ilikeyou,Heidi,”Isaid,givingheraweaksmile.“I’mjustnotinapositiontobeina

relationshiprightnow.”

“Whatpositionisthat,TJ?”Shegrowled,startingtosoundangry.“Thepositionofbeingan

adult?ThelasttimeIchecked,youwereone.”

“Idon’twantarelationship,”Isaidhonestly.“AndifIdid,itwouldn’tbewithyou.”Ishookmy

headtomyselfasthewordscameout.Theyweretrue,butIknewtheywerehurtful.

“You’readirtyrottenbastard.”Sheglaredatmeandhereyeslookedglossy.Thatwasthefirst

timeawomanhadcalledmethatandtobequitehonest,Iagreedwithher.Istaredbackatherand
wonderedifIcouldmakeitoutofherapartmentbeforeshestartedcrying.Ireallydidn’twanttohave
towastetimecomfortingher.

“Ireallylikedyou,TJ,”shesaidplaintively,reachingforwardandgrabbingmyhands.“Icanhelp

you.Youcantellmeanything,TJ.Icanhelpyougetthroughyourissues.”

“Idon’thaveanyissues.”Isighedandpulledmyhandsback.Iwasstartingtofeelirritated.Heidi

reallydidn’tgetit.Ifshewantedmetostay,therewasbasicallyonlyonethingshecoulddorightnow
andthatwastopullmyzipperdownandtakemeintohermouth,andeventhenI’dberesistantto
staying,nowthatIknewshewantedarelationshipandwasinthe“pleadingforit”stage.Therewas
nothingworsethananormallyconfidentandattractivewomanbeggingmeforarelationship,when
sheknewIdidn’twantthat.Iwasn’tsurewhatitwasaboutwomenthatmadethemthinkthatthey
couldsleepwithamanenoughtimestomakethemcommit.Didn’ttheyrealizethatamanwanted
morethansomeasstocommittosomeone?Somanytimes,Iwantedtotellthesewomenthatjust
becausetheyletmefuckthemuptheassorinsomebackalleyway,thatwasn’tmakingmerespect
them.Andtheattemptstopulloutmycockandsuckmeunderthetableatrestaurantsweretoo
numeroustocount.Iwasn’tsurewhatmanualwomenreadthatmadethembelievethatsexwasaway
toaman’sheart.Butitneededtobeupdated.

“Soyou’rejustgoingtoleave?”Shepoutedatme.“That’sit?”Tearsstartedtorolldownher

cheeksandIsighed.Ireallydidn’thavetimeforthis.“You’rejustgoingtoleavemelikethis?”She

pursedherlipsandIfeltherhandsreachdowntomyzipper.“Iwantyoutostay,TJ.”Sheslippedher
fingersinsidemyboxersandIfeltherslightlycoldandtremblingfingersonmyshaft.

“Isee,”Isaid,andIcontemplatedstayingforanotherhour,whenIheardmyphonebeeping.I

grabbeditfrommypocketandreadthetextmessagefromCody:Dude,justaheadsup,Milaand
Sallyarecomingoveraswell,sodon’tplanonbringinganyweedover.Istaredatthetext,pulled
Heidi’shandoutofmypantsandtookastepback.

“Sorry,Heidi,it’sjustnotgoingtoworkout,”Isaid,givingheraquicknodandwalkedoverto

herfrontdoor.“Bye,”IsaidasIopenedthefrontdoorandhurriedoutofherapartment.Mymind
wasoffofHeidiassoonasIopenedmycardoor.Therewasonlyonewomanwhohadanypartof
mymind.AndthatwastheonewomanIwouldneverletmyselfhave.

PresentDay

ThesmellofhoneysucklehitmeassoonasIopenedmyfrontdoor.Itwaftedthroughtheairand

surprisedmeasImademywayintothehallway.Thesmellwasunfamiliar,butsweetandhomey.My
apartmentwasslowlybecomingarealhomeanditwasaweirdfeelingtosuddenlyrealizethat.

“Honey,I’mhome,”Icalledout,feelingmymoodliftingasIlookedaroundthelivingroom.

Milahadaddedafewhomeytouchestomyplacesinceshe’dmovedinaweekagoandIwas
pleasantlysurprisedathowcozymyplaceseemed.EverythinghadbeengoingsmoothlyandIwas
enjoyingcominghometoher.ItalmostseemedlikeIwasinsomesortofmovie,withthehappywife
andtheperfectlife.AllweweremissingwerethekidsandaGoldenRetriever.Ohandlivingintrue
happinessandbliss,ofcourse.Ourhappinesswaspredicatedonalie,butIwastryingtoforgetthat
fact.

“Hey.”Mila’svoicesoundedhappyasshecamerunningoutofthekitchentowardsme.“You’re

home.”Sheranuptomeandgavemeabighugandakissonthelips,hercheeksarosypink,andher
eyessparklinginhappiness.

“Iam,”Isaidandkissedherback,myheartfeelingoddasIgazedather.“Iseeyoudidsome

shopping.”

“Justsomesmallstuff.”Shelaughedasshegazedaroundtheapartmentandrealizedjusthow

muchshe’dtransformedmyplace.Therewereflowerseverywhereandlotsofnewknick-knacks,like
vasesandlittlepotsandcontainerswithcandlesandcandy.She’dalsoaddedsomenewarttomy
walls,brightcolorfulPicassoprintsthatpoppedoutandmadetheroomseemgrander.Therewasa
newthrowblanketonthecouchthatshe’dgotten;itwasmadeofalpacawoolanditwasgrayandsoft
andeventhoughIdidn’tknowwhatanalpacawas,Ienjoyedthefeelingofitcoveringuswhenwelay
onthecouchtogether.Iwasamanandwouldneveradmittoit,butIlikedthesmallluxuriesthatshe’d
broughttomylife.

“Ihaveanewcouchcomingaswell.”Shebitdownonherlowerlipandlookedupatmewith

wideeyes.

“Youhaveanewcouchcoming?”Iaskedherwithagrin,laughingatherjoke.
“I’mnotjoking,TJ.”Shegiggled.“Don’tbemad.”
“Youseriouslyhaveanewcouchcoming?”Iaskedher,myeyessearchinghersandIcouldtell

fromherexpressionthatshewasdeadserious.“What’swrongwithmycouch?”

“Leather?Dark,stickyleather?”Shemadeaface.“Sounattractive.”
“It’scomfortable.”Ishrugged,stillnotquitebelievingthatshe’dactuallypurchasedanewcouch.

ThatwasahugepurchaseandIreallyfelttakenaback.I’dneverexpectedMilatogetthatcomfortable
inmyplace.Ilikeditandhateditbothatthesametime.

“It’snotcute,though.”Shewrinkledhernoseasshelookedoveratmymostprizedpieceof

furniture.“Andtherearenothrowpillows.”

“It’ssoftenoughtonotneedthrowpillows,”Isaidandlookedatmycouchlongingly.“Plus,we

haveanalpacathrowblanketnow.Isn’tthatenough?”

“No,TJ.”Shegiggledandshookherhead.
“Whenwillitbeleavingmyabode?”Iaskedmournfully,wonderingifIcouldholdsomesortof

funeralforthecouchbeforeitleft.Andthefuneralwouldconsistofushavingsexonthecouchin
multiplepositions.Thatwouldpartiallymakeupforherreplacingit.

“Hopefullythisweekend.”Shelookedatmenervously.“Itoldthestorewe’dpayextraforafast

deliveryofthenewsectional.”

“Youdid,didyou?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.Whathadhappenedtothegirlwhowastootimid

tousemycreditcard?She’dobviouslydisappeared.Iwasgoingtomakeacomment,butIstopped
myself.IhadafeelingifImadeajoke,she’dtakeitself-consciouslyandthenmaybeshereallywould
stopusingthecard.WhichIdidn’twant.Ilikedthatshefeltcomfortableenoughwithmenowtonot
callmeeverytimeshewantedtochargetwentydollarsforsomesillypurchase.Ihadplentyofmoney
andIwashappyforhertouseit.

“Yeah,Iwantedittoarriveintimeforthedinnerparty.Makeourhomelookmorecozyto

everyone.”Shegavemeawinningsmile.

“Areyousayingourhomeisn’tcozy?”Iaskedherandshesmirkedatme.Isawhersmilingand

realizedthatI’dsaid“ourhome,”asopposedto“myhome.”ItwasweirdthatIwasstartingtothink
ofthisasourhomenow.Iwasn’tsurehowitwasgoingtofeelwhenshemovedout.Howcozyand
homeyallherlittleknick-knackswouldfeelonceshewasgone.I’dmostprobablypackthemupinto
aboxandtakethemtoGoodwill.Iwouldn’twanttoberemindedofhertimehere.Notonce
everythingcameout.ItwouldremindmetoomuchofallI’dlost.

“Whatdoyouthink,TJ?”shesaidandthenshriekedandranbacktothekitchen.
“What’sgoingon?”Ifollowedbehindherandwatchedasshehurriedlyopenedtheovendoor.
“I’mroastingsomepotatoesandIdidn’twantthemtoburn.”Shepulledoutatrayfromtheoven

andplacedthemontopofthestove.“Youlikeherb-roastedpotatoes,right?”Sheturnedtomewitha
sweetsmile.“Irememberyouusedtoscarfthemdownwhenyou’dcomeover.Mymomusedtocall
youthepotatomonster.”

“Shedid,didn’tshe?”IlaughedasIrememberedallofthemealsthatI’deatenwithherfamily.I’d

neverthoughtthatoneday,we’dbehereandshe’dbecookingforme.“Herpotatoeswerethebomb.”

“Yeah,soaremine,though.”Milalaughed.
“Aslongasyoudon’tburnthem.”Iwinkedather.“Yourmomwouldneverburnthem.”
“Shh,you.”Shegrabbedatowelandswattedmewithitasshelaughed.“Ifyoukeepinsultingme,

youwon’tgetanydinner.”

“Hmm,letmehearwhat’sfordinner,first.”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“ThenI’lldecideifIwant

tokeepinsultingyou.”

“You’reincorrigible.”Shegiggled.“I’mmakingaroastchicken,withroastpotatoes,gravy,

Brusselssproutsandcarrots.”

“Soundsdelicious.”Ilickedmylips.
“Andanapplepiewithicecreamfordessert.”
“Okay,I’msold.Nomoreinsults.”Ipaused.“Fortheday.”
“TJWalker.”Shelaughed.“Comeonnow.”
“Comeonnow,what?”Igrinned.“Whatareyougoingtomakeforthedinnerparty?”
“I’mnotsureyet,butIwasthinkingofgrillingsomesteaks.”
“Steaksarealwaysgood.”Inodded.“Who’scoming,again?”

“SallyandCody,”shesaidassheclosedtheovendoorandwenttothefridge.
“Whataboutyourparents?”Iasked.“AndNonno.”
“Nah,didn’tinvitethem,”shesaidwithashakeofherhead.“Wecanhavethemoversoon.”
“HaveyouspokentoNonnorecently?”Iaskedhesitantly.
“Notreally.”Sheshookherheadagain.“I’vebeenbusy.”
“Soyou’venotseenhim,either?”Ifrowned,myheartfeelingheavy.Iwastheonewhowas

keepingherfromhim.

“No,I’llseehimsoon.”Shesmiledatme.“I’vebeenbusytryingtoturnthisplaceintoareal

home.Maybewe’llhavemyfolksoverandyourdad.”

“Yeah.”Overmydeadbody.
“Andisyourdadseeinganyone?Wecaninvitehislatestparamouraswell.”Shegiggled.“Iswear

thatmangoesthroughwomenlikesomewomengothroughunderwear.”

“I’mnotsurewhathe’sdoingrightnoworifhe’sstilldatingthesamelady,oroneormore

ladies.”MymindimmediatelyflewtoBarbieandIcouldfeelmyselfgrowinguncomfortable.What
wouldMilasayifItoldherthatBarbiewassleepingwithmydad?IfIjustdroppeditcasuallyintothe
conversationlikeitwasnobigthing,wouldshereactasifitwerenobigthing?Wouldshesmileand
say,“Ohreally?That’sfunny.Wow,Barbiereallygetsaround.”Ihalf-smiledasthatthoughtcrossed
mymind.Yeah,right.TherewasnowaythatmyMilawouldeveractthatcalmly.She’dgoquietfirst,
thinkingaboutwhatI’dsaidandthenwhensheprocessedeverythingandrealizedshe’dheard
correctly,shewouldloseit.Maybeshe’dstartshouting.Maybeshe’dcry.ButIknewthatshe’dbe
anythingbutcalmandaccepting.ThatwasnotasmallliethatIcouldjustsweepundertherug.

“Aw,yeah,whocankeepupwithhim,”shesaidasshetookoutabagofBrusselssproutsfromthe

fridge.“Doyouhaveanykoshersalt?”sheaskedmeasshestartedrinsingthesproutsinthesinkand
scrubbingthem.

“Ihavesalt.”Ishrugged.“Ihavenoideawhatkoshersaltis.I’mnotJewish.”
“Oh,TJ.”Sherolledhereyesatme.“Passmetheoliveoilandblackpepperandallthedifferent

saltsthatyouhave.I’llcheck.”

“Allwhatdifferentsalts?”Ilaughed.“Ihaveoneregularsaltandthat’sit.”
“Fine.”Shesighed.“Justpassmethataswell,then.”
“Yes,boss.”Isalutedherandshelaughed.“What’sallthisfor?”
“TheBrusselssprouts,”shesaidandheldupthebowlshewasholding.“I’mgoingtoroastthem

withtheseasonings.Itwillbedelicious.Trustme.”

“I’msureeverythingyoumakeisdelicious,”Isaid.“Justlikeyou.”
“Flatterywillgetyoueverywhere.”Shewinkedatme.“Joke,itwillgetyounowhere.”
“Damnit.”Igrabbedheraroundthewaistandpulledhertowardsme.“Iwantittogetmeanyand

everywhere.”

“Sorryaboutyourluck.”Shegiggledasshewriggledawayfromme.
“Ohyeah?”IleaneddownandnibbledonthetopofherearasIbroughtherassbackupagainst

mesoshecouldfeelmyhardness.

“TJ,I’mcooking.”
“So?”Ilaughedandkeptmyarmsaroundher,movingthemuptoherbreastsandgentlysqueezed

them.“Didn’tyouknowthatkitchensexwasgoodforyou?”

“Oh?”ShegiggledagainandshemoanedasIsqueezedhernipples.
“Yeah,it’slikeaworkoutbeforepiggingout.Burnthosecaloriesearly.”
“Hmm,areyoucallingmefat?”shesaidandthenlaughedasIfroze.“Gotya.”
“Mila,”Imurmured,laughingwithherasIturnedheraroundtofaceme.“Idon’tcarehowfat

youare.”

“That’snotagoodresponse.”ShemadeafaceatmeandIleaneddowntokissherlongandhard,

slidingmytongueintohermouth.Shetastedsweetandshemeltedintome,kissingmebackeagerly.
HerhandsflewtomyhairandIheldherface,caressinghercheeksaswekissed.Ifelthappy,calm,
andlikethiswashowitshouldbe.ThemomentwaseverythingthatI’dneverthoughtIcouldever
have.Itwasthestuffoffairytalesand,whileIknewfairytaleswerefiction,Iwasn’tgoingtoruinthe
moment.Iwasjustgoingtoliveinit.Thenightmarewouldbeheresoonenough.

RightthenmyphonebeepedandIgrabbeditfrommypockettoseewhowastextingme.Thetext

wasfrommydadanditmademyheartfreeze.

“Ineedanupdate.ChinesewantthedealtogothroughASAP.Doyouhavethepowerofattorney

papers?”

Ideletedthetextquickly,putthephonebackintomypocketandheldMilaclosetomeagain.Hell

onEarthwasgoingtobeheresoonerthanI’dhoped.

ChapterSix

Mila

Iwalkeddownthestreetwithawidesmileonmyface.Iwasn’tsurewhyIwassohappy.Maybeitwas
somethingabouttheday.Theskywasadeepazureblue,withnaryacloudtobeseen,thesunwasout
andshiningwarmly,thetreesweretallandproudandthefallcolorsoftheleaveswerebeautiful:
warmreds,deepbrowns,dancingyellowsandsecretivegreensbeckonedtome.IsmiledagainasI
sawtwobirdsflyingfromonetreetoanother,seemingtotakethesamepathdownthestreetasIwas.
MyheartfeltfullandIwashappy.

IknewthatmostofmyhappinessstemmedfromthefactthatIwasonthewaytomeetTJfor

dinner.Itwasscaryhowexcitedandhappyhemademe.AndIdidn’tevenhavetobewithhim.Justthe
knowledgethatI’dseehimsoonwasenoughforme.Ijustlikedbeingaroundhim.ThatwasallI
neededtofeelwarmandcontent.Ididn’tevenhavetotalktohimortouchhim.Justknowingthathe
wastherewasenoughforme.HefilledmyheartandspiritinawaythatIdidn’tunderstand.

Itscaredme,inaway,knowinghowmuchpowerhehadoverme.Ididn’twanttothinkabout

whatwouldhappenwhenInolongergottospendsomuchtimewithhim.Ididn’twanttothinkabout
notbeingwithhim.

Eventhoughourrelationship—well,engagement—wasfake,itdidn’tmattertome.Itdidn’t

matterbecauseIwasstillgettingtoknowhimbetter.IwasstillgettingtoseepartsofhimI’dnever
seenbefore.Hisvulnerabilities,thethingsthatmadehimhurt,pause,think.TherewasasidetoTJthat
I’dneverknownexisted.I’dalwaysthoughthewasthistough,handsomeguy.Fulloflifeandvitality.
Aguywhotookeverythinginstride.Nothingevergothimdown.That’swhatIusedtothink.Imean,I
knewthathisdadwasn’tthemostpaternalisticfigureinhislife.Iknewthathadtohaveaffectedhim
insomeway.Andthefactthathismotherhaddiedwhenhewassoyoung.I’dthoughtaboutit,buthad
neverreallyplacedanyrealemotionordepthintothosethoughts.Now,Iwonderedjusthowmuchhis
childhoodhadaffectedhim.WhowasTJWalkerbehindthefaçade?Iwasstilltryingtofigurethat
out.

HewasdarkerinsidethanI’dthought.Therewasabarrierthere,somelayerofhurt,somedeep

emotionhiddeninsideofhim.Anditfascinatedme.Iwantedtoknowhisfullstory.AndIwantedto
fixhim.Iwantedmylovetofixhim.

IshookmyheadatmyselfasIcontinuedwalking,nearingtherestaurant.IknewIwaslivinginthe

clouds.Lifewasn’tlikethemovies.Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletofixhimandmakehimfallinlove
withme.Stufflikethatjustdidn’thappen.Leastofalltopeoplelikeme.Butthatdidn’tstopmefrom
hoping.Thatdidn’tstopmefromwishingthatIcouldsomehowfigureoutwhatmadehimtickandin
doingsomakehimfallheadoverheelsinlovewithme.Thatwouldbeamazing.Notrealistic,but
definitelyamazing.

IgiggledasIwalkedintotherestaurant,feelinglight-heartedandgiddyasIfeltmyheartracing.I

wasabouttoseeTJandthatalwaysmademefeelawesome.Iusedtoliveforseeinghimeveryfew
months;nowIgottoseehimeveryday.

Thehostgreetedmewithabigsmile.“Goodevening,ma’am.Doyouhaveareservation?”
“Yes—well,notme.”Ilaughed.“I’mmeetingsomeonehere.Ithinkhehasthereservation.”
“What’shisname?”Hesmiledatmewarmly.“Let’sseeifhe’shereyet.”
“TJWalker,”Isaid,grinning.
“Iseehisreservation,buthehasn’tcheckedinasyet.Wecandefinitelyseatyouwhileyouwait,

though.Wouldyoulikethat,madam?”

“Mila.”Ismiledathimsweetly.“Andyes,please,thatwouldbeamazing.Thankyou.”

“Oh,you’reverywelcome.”Henoddedandlookedbackdownathispodium.“Onemoment,

please.”

“Oh,ofcourse.”IsmoothedmyskirtdownandpulledoutmylipsticksothatIcouldreapplyit.I

wasn’tsurewhyIfeltsonervous,butIwantedtolookprettyforTJ.Like,reallypretty.Iwantedhim
towalkinandlookatmeandthinktohimself,Wow,Milaisjustgorgeous.HowdidIgetsoluckyto
behavingdinnerwithher?Imean,itwasapipedream—he’dneverreallygivenmealooklikethat
before—butthatdidn’tstopmefromhoping.

“Thisway,ma’am.”Hecametowardsme.“Justfollowme.”
“Sure.”Ismiledandfollowedbehindhim.Weapproachedatableandasthemaîtred’wasaboutto

pullmychairout,ahandsomemanjumpedupfromthetablenexttomineandpulleditoutforme.

“Goodevening.”Hegavemeawidesmileandawinkashestoodbehindme.
“Evening.”Ismiledathim,feelingabitshyashepushedmychairin.“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“IseeabeautifulwomanandIcan’tstopmyself,”hesaid.“I’mWill,bytheway.”
“Mila.”Iheldmyhandouttohim.
“Abeautifulnameforabeautifulgirl.”
“Oh.”Iblushed,notknowingwhattosay.
“I’lljustleavethewinemenuwithyou,”themaîtred’saidandbeamedatusbothashebacked

away.

“Diningalone?”Willaskedmehopefully,hiseyesapiercingnavyblueinhishandsomeface.
Ishookmyhead.“No,I’mwaitingonsomeone.”
“Wouldyoulikecompanywhileyouwait?”heasked,showinghisperfectwhiteteeth.Hisdark

goldhairwascutperfectlyandshoneontopofhisheadashewaitedformyanswer.Iblushedagain,
stillnotknowingwhattosay.Iwastakenabackthatthisgorgeousmanwasaskingtositwithmeand
wasflirtingwithme.

“Oh,youdon’thavetodothat.”Ishookmyheadagainandstaredathisperfectnavy,pinstriped

suit.Iwasstillininternalshockthathewastalkingtome.Iwasn’tusedtomenjustcominguptome;
especiallynotdistinguished,handsomemenlikehim.

“Itwouldbemypleasure.”Hetookaseatnexttome.“I’mdiningalone,soI’dbehappytokeep

youcompanyuntilyourgirlfriendgetshere.”

“Oh,it’samalefriend.”Iblushed,wonderingwhyIhadn’tsaidfiancé.Maybebecauseitfeltlike

toomuchofalie.

“IguessthatwasprettyobviousthatIwasfishing,huh?”Helaughed.
“Fishing?”Iaskeddumbly,notsurewhathewassaying.
“Forinformation.Youknow,toseeifyou’resingle.”Heleanedforwardandadjustedhistie.

“Thoughthatwould’vebeentoomuchtoask.Haveabeautifulsinglewomanjustfallintomylap.”

“Oh,haha.”Ilaugheduncomfortably.I’dneverhadaguycomeontomesostronglybefore.
“So,notsingle?”heaskedmoredirectly,hiseyeslightashechuckled.
“Um,yes,no—kinda.”Ilaughedattheconfusiononhisface.“It’skindacomplicated.”
“Icanworkwithcomplicated.”Hewinkedandthenleanedback.“Andincaseyouwere

wondering,I’msingle.”Hegrinned.“Wouldyoulikeaglassofwine?”

“Oh.Ishouldn’t.”Ishookmyhead,feelingslightlydazedandconfused,andalittleproudof

myself.Ihadtobelookingprettygoodifthishandsomemanwasspendingsomuchtimeflirtingwith
meandofferingtobuymeaglassofwine.

“Don’tyoudrink?”heaskedcuriously.
“Oh,Ido,butlikeIsaid,I’mwaitingonsomeone.”
“He’snotaverygoodsomeone,though,ishe?”Willlookedatmeandfrowned.“He’sgotyou

sittingherewaitingonhim.”

“I’msurehejustgotcaughtupatwork,”Isaidwithasmallsmile.“He’sabusyguy.”
“I’maverybusyguy,butlookwhereIamrightnow,”hesaidseriously,andIstartedtofeelmy

heartsinkingalittle.Whatwashetryingtosay?ThatTJdidn’trespectmeormytime?Hewasonly
fiveminuteslate.ButthenasIthoughtaboutit,Iwonderedifhewaslatewhenhewentonrealdates.I
bethewasearlyforwomenhewantedtogooutwith.Womenhereallyliked.Iwasjusthisfake
fiancée,thegirlhewasfucking.Hedidn’treallycareaboutme.Iwonderedhowhetreatedthewomen
hereallycaredfor.Icouldfeelmystomachchurningasmythoughtsimmediatelyturnednegative.

“Hey,youokay,Mila?”Willleanedforward.“Ididn’tmeantohitanerve.”
“Sorry,what?”Iaskedhim,blinking,tryingtogetridoftheheavyfeelingthathadhitme.
“Maybeworkwasjustreallybusy,”hesaid.“Imean,ifhehasyouwaitingaroundalot,maybehe

doesn’tcareasmuchasyouhope.Awomanlikeyoudeservesamanthat’sgoingtoputherabove
everythingelse.”

“Thankyou,”Isaidwithasmallsmile,lookingatmywatchandrealizingthatTJwasactually

fifteenminuteslateinsteadoffiveminuteslate.

“Iknowyoudon’tknowme,”Willsaid,andIwatchedashepulledhiswalletoutofhispocket.

“Butifitdoesn’tworkoutwiththisguy,oryouwanttotalktomeorletmetakeyououtforadrink,
givemeacallatthisnumber.”Hepulledacardoutandhandedittome.“I’dlovetotakeyoufora
drink.Showyouhowagentlemantreatshislady.I,forone,wouldn’thaveyouwaiting.”

“Oh,wow,thanks.”Iheldhiscardinmyhandandlookeddownatitawkwardly.Howdidone

respondtothat?AndwherewasTJ?

“Mila.”TJ’svoicewasloudbehindmeanditmademejump.
“TJ?”Isaid,lookingathimwithnarrowedeyesandaredface,likeI’dbeencaughtred-handed

withmyhandinthecookiejar.

“What’sgoingon?”HefrownedandlookedatthecardinmyhandandthenatWill.
“IwasjustkeepingMilacompany.”Willstoodup,noddedatTJandthenlookedbackdownatme.

“Itwasapleasuremakingyouracquaintancetonight,Mila.PleasecallmeifIcanevertakeyouout
foradrink.”

“Thankyou,”IsqueakedoutandIcouldfeelTJ’seyesonme.Ilookedupathimandgavehima

quicksmile,buthejustfrownedatme,hiseyesnarrowedashewatchedWillgoingbacktohisseat.

“Makingnewfriendsalready?”hesaidashesatdown.“Lookingforsomeonenew?”
“TJ,wewerejusttalking.”Irolledmyeyesathim.“Don’tbeingstupid.”
“I’mnotbeingstupid.”Hepursedhislips.“Doyouknowwhatyouwanttoorderordidyoueven

bothertolookatthemenu.”

“IthinkI’mgoingtogetasteak.Andlobster.Andoysters.Andcaviar.Andlotsofchampagne,”I

saidsweetlyandthensmiled.“Youcanaffordit.”

“Funny,”hesaidashelookedatme,butIsawthathewasn’tabletokeepasmileoffofhisface.
“That’sme,onefunnygirl.”Igrinnedathim,determinedtonotlethimruinmygoodmood.I

staredathishandsomeface,soseriousashesatthereinhissmartbusinesssuit.Hiseyeslookedatme
searchingly,withaglintofjudgmentasifheweretellingmeofffortalkingwithWill.Apartofme
wasdelightedthatheappearedtobejealous.Anotherpartofmewasannoyedthathewasgoingtobe
actinglikeabitofanass,justbecauseIwasbeingfriendlytoanotherguy.Itwasn’tlikeIwantedthe
otherguy.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasTJ.

“Yes,onefunny,sexygirl,”hesaidandIfelthishandreachdownandgrabmykneeunderthe

tableandhisfingersstartedrunningupanddownmycalf.

“What’reyoudoing,TJ?”MyeyeswidenedasIgazedathim.
“Nothing.”Hegrinnedashisfingersmovedupmylegsagainandhepushedagainstmyinner

thightogainaccess.Isqueezedmylegstogethercloserinresponse.

“TJ.”Ipursedmylipsathim.“Stopit.”
“Stopwhat?”heasked,awrysmileonhisfaceashepushedharderbetweenmylegsandtheyfell

apartslightly.Hisfingerstookimmediateadvantageofthemovementandtheyranupanddownmy
innerthighundermyskirt.Iheldmybreathastheydrewdangerouslyhigh.

“Youknowwhat?”Ifrownedathim.“Youjustgothere.Stopit.”
“Stopwhat?”Helaughedandthenlookedawayfrommeasawaitressapproachedthetable.
“Hi,I’mMadeline.I’llbetakingcareofyoutoday.”
“Why,thankyou,”TJsaidashegrinnedather.“Idoenjoybeingtakencareof.”
“ThenI’mgladI’mhere.”MadelineflirtedbackwithhimandIwatchedasshetossedherlong

ravenhairbackandpushedheramplebustforward.Iglancedupatherfacewithaslightglareand
feltmyresolvefailingasIlookedatherfaceproperly.Shewasgorgeous,herskinwassmoothand
hereyeswereasparkling,vibrantblue.Shehadfinefeaturesandperfectlips.Andshewaspetite.She
lookedliketheperfectwoman.IfeltjealousysearingthroughmeasIgazedatherstaringatTJand
TJstaringbackintohereyeswithawide,genuinesmile.Hisfingerswerestillonmylegs,butwere
movinginahaphazardfashionasheglancedather.IcouldfeelmystomachchurningandIfeltmy
goodmoodvanishing.

“Wouldyoulikeadrink,sir?”sheasked,hervoicemelodic.
“Whatwouldyourecommend?”Heleanedbackandmovedhishandawayfrommyleg.
“Whatissirinto?”Sheleanedclosertohim,leaningdownandopeningthemenuinfrontofhim.

Herhairhungdown,surroundingherface,andshelookedintohiseyeswithasweet,eagersmile.

“WhateveryouthinkI’dlike.”HiseyesteasedherandIwatchedashelickedhislipsslowly.I

frozeattheobviousflirtationbetweenthem.Mybreathwascomingfastandmystomachwasinknots
asIjustsattherebeingignored.

“IthinkI’llhaveaglassofwater,”Isaid,finallyspeakingup,andthegirlstraightenedandlooked

atmewithasweetandpityinglook.

“Sure.”Shenodded.“Stillorsparkling?”
“Still,thanks.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip,feelinglikeIwantedtocry.
“Okay.”ShenoddedandthenlookedbackoveratTJ.“Andhaveyoudecided?”
“I’llhaveawhiskey,neat.”
“Brand?”Shegrinnedathim.
“Surpriseme,”hesaidandshejustgiggledlikealittleschoolgirl.Icouldfeelmyfaceflaming.I

wasembarrassed,upset,jealous,annoyed,andpissedoff.HowcouldTJflirtwiththisgirlinfrontof
me,likethat?IguessitwastherealitycheckIneeded.Hejustwasn’tinterestedinme,atall.

“Okay,I’lldothat,”shesaid,tossingherhairbackagainandlightlytouchinghimontheshoulder.

Ilookedawayandtriedtoignorethefeelingstellingmetoslapher.ShewasthesortofgirlIknew
wasusedtogettingwhatshewantedbasedonherlooks,andIwasprettysurethatshewantedTJand
thatshedidn’tcarethatIwassittingherewithhim.SheprobablythoughtIwashissecretaryandnot
hisgirlfriend.Though,technically,Iwasn’thisgirlfriend.Iwasjustthegirlhewasfuckingand
pretendingtobehisfakefiancée.

IwatchedasshewalkedawayandthenlookedoveratTJ,whowaslookingathiswatch.Hethen

lookedupatmewithaslightlycoldexpression.“So,thinkofanyexestoday,orwereyoujusthoping
tomeetanewguytotryinbed?”

“What?”Isnappedathim,annoyed.Howwashegoingtoturnthisonme?
“Youseemtoworkprettyfast.”HeshruggedandIfelthishandonmylegagain,evenmore

aggressivethanbefore.“I’mjustwonderingifyou’relookingtocomparefuckbuddiesor
something.”

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Isaid,myvoicegrowinglouder.Wherewasthiscomingfrom?

“Justthatyoualwaysseemtobethinkingofanotherguyorchattingoneup,”hesnapped.
“WhatguyshaveIeverbeenchattingup?”Isnappedbackathim.
“Asidefromthattwatthatwasatthetablewithyou?”
“Weweretalking.”
“Isthatallyouwanted?”heasked,hisfingerspushingtheirwayuptomypanties.Ifelthisfinger

rubbingagainstmeroughlyandIgaspedasmylegsunconsciouslyspreadtogivehimbetteraccess.

“Stop,”Isaid,myeyeswateringasIfelthisfingersstartingtomoveintomypanties.
“Isthiswhatyouwant?”hesaidashisfingerrubbedmyclitunderthetable.“Itfeelslikeit,”he

saidashecontinuedtorubme.IknewIwaswetdownthereandIhatedmyselfforit.Howcouldthis
beturningmeon?”

“No,”Isaidandsnappedmylegsshut.
“Okay,”hesaidandwithdrewhisfingerfrommypantiesandthenmovedhishandbackdownmy

legslowly.Iwatchedashishandmadeitswaybacktothetableandthenheplacedafingerintohis
mouthandsuckedonitslowly.“Sureseemslikeyouwantedit.”Helookedatme;hiseyeshollowasI
watchedhim.MyfacewashotwithshameandIlookedawayfromhim.Whywashebeinglikethisto
me?

Madelinemadeherwaybacktothetable.“Here’syourwater,”shesaid,placingtheglassinfront

ofme.“Andyourwhiskey,sir.”Sheplaceditinfrontofhimandstoodbacktowatchhim.“Ican’t
waittoseeifyouenjoyit.”

Iwantedtoshoutatherto“justmoveit,bitch,”butIdidn’t.Ijustsatthere,feelingevenmore

inferiorandcheap.

“Let’ssee.”TJsatback,awidesmileonhisfaceforthewaitress,hiseyeslookingather

admiringly.Gonewasthecold,calculatinglook.Andinitsplace,instead,wasaninterested,happy
face.MyheartdroppedasIwatchedhimpickuptheglassandtakeasip.Heswallowedslowlyand
thenhelookedatMadelineinapproval.“Very,verynice.Youhavegoodtaste.”

“Thankyou.”Sheblushedandranherhandthroughherhair.“I’llbebacktotakeyourfoodorder

inafewminutes.”

“Soundsgreat,”TJsaid.“ThoughmaybeI’llletyoupickforme.”
“You’dtrustmeforthat?”sheaskedwithahugesmile.
“I’dtrustyouwithalotmorethanthat.”HewinkedatherandthenIsawhimgivemeaquick

look,asiftoseeifIwaspayingattention.Hiseyesmetmine,andhelookedatmeandstudiedmyface
forasecondbeforeIturnedmyfaceawayfromhim.

“Okay,I’llbeback,”MadelinesaidandIwatchedassheandTJexchangedonelastsmile.The

lookonTJ’sfacewasoneofteasinghappinessanditmademyheartfallheavily.Thehappinessand
excitementthatI’dbeenfeelingearlierinthedaywascompletelygone.I’dbeenfoolingmyself,
tellingmyselfthatTJwantedmeandwasfallingformeaswell.Thiswasnothingtohim.Iwas
nothingtohimandIneverwouldbe.

***

TJdroppedmeoffafteraveryquietdinnerandsaidhehadtogobacktotheofficetodosomework.
Ijustnoddedandgotoutofthecarwithoutevenlookingathim.Ifeltcompletelybrokenanddejected.
MyspiritswerelowandallIwantedtodowascallSally.Icouldn’tdealwiththis.Icouldn’tdealwith
TJtreatingmelikethis.Icouldn’tdealwithbeingaroundhimandnotreallyhavinghim.

Ithadneverreallyhitmeuntilthatmomentthattherewasnevergoingtobeahappily-ever-after

withTJ.Hejustwasn’tintomeinthatway.Allhewantedwassexandtohaveagoodtime.Icouldn’t
evenbemad.He’dnevergivenmeanyreasontothinkanyotherway.

MybodyflashedhotandcoldasIwalkedintohisapartmentandIimmediatelywalkedtohis

bathroomandstartedrunningabath.AllIwantedtodowassoakandcryandgetitout.ThenI’dcall
Sally.Rightnow,Ineededhotwateroverme.

Itookoffmyshoesandstartedtotakeoffmyskirtandunderwear.Tearsstartedstreamingdown

myfaceasIgotundressed.IgrabbedmyphoneandclickedonmymusiciconsoIcouldlistento
someJamesBaywhileIhadmybath.Ilovedhismusic,itwasemotional,andwhileIknewIshould
listentosomethinghardandmorerock-liketogetovermydepressedstate,Icouldn’tbringmyselfto
doit.

Isteppedintothebathandsquealedasthehotwaterburnedme,butIdidn’tjumpout.Ideserved

thepainforbeingsuchadumbass.Islowlystartedtositdownasthewatercontinuedtostingme.And
thenthesong,“IfYouEverWanttoBeinLove”startedplayingthroughmyphone.Thetearscame
evenfasterasIfinallysubmergedmyselfinthewaterandsatdown;thetearswerebothformy
heartacheandthescaldingthewaterwasgivingme.

IleanedbackandclosedmyeyesasIletthewatercrashoverme.Thetearsstreameddownmy

faceandallIcouldpicturewasTJ’sfaceashe’dsmiledatthewaitress—howhappyandlight-hearted
he’dbeenashe’dinnocentlyflirtedwithher.I’dseenthelookhe’dgivenher.Itwasfun,flirty,
carefreeandshe’drespondedinthesameway.Icouldn’teverrememberhimevergivingmethat
look.WhenIwasyoungerhe’dlookedatmeashisbestfriend’syoungersisterwhowasdorky,and
he’dteasedmerelentlessly.Sometimeshe’dlookedatmewithmoreemotion,whenhe’dlistenedto
metalkaboutexamsorheartachesorothersillythingsthathadbotheredme.He’dgivenmehugs,
beencaring,buthe’dnevergivenmealookofinstantattraction,oflove,ofrealinterest.

Andnow,nowthatwewereolderanddoingthingsI’donlyhopedwe’dbedoing,someofhis

lookshadchanged.I’dseenlustinhiseyes.I’dseenbare-nakedwant,butI’dnotseenthatinnocent
attraction,theadmiration,thestirringsofabeginninglove.I’donlyfooledmyselfintothinkingthat
wecouldhavesomethingreal.He’dtoldmeoverandoveragainthatthiswasacontract.He’dtoldme
overandoverhedidn’tdolove.He’dremindedmethathewasn’tthemanforme.Iwasn’tsurewhyI
hadn’tlistenedtohim.

Actually,thatwasalie.IknewwhyIhadn’tlistenedtohim.Becausemyheartwasholdingontoa

stringattachedtothemoonandthestars.MyheartwashopingthatGodwouldanswermyprayersand
thatTJwouldfallheadoverheelsinlovewithme.IthoughtthatGodlovedme.Ithoughtheanswered
prayers.I’dbeenaskinghimforyearstoletTJfallinlovewithme.Iguessthiswasoneprayerhe
wasn’tinterestedinanswering.

IreachedoverandgrabbedmyphoneandcalledSally.Ineededtohearhervoice.Ineededherto

tellmeitwasokay.Ineededhertotellmethatoneday,I’dmeetmyPrinceCharming.Oneday
someonewouldlovemeasmuchasIlovedthem.Evenifthatsomeonewasn’tTJ.

“Hello?”Sallyansweredthephone,hervoiceoutofbreath.
“Hey,youbusy?”Ihiccupped.
“Justgotdonejogging.What’sgoingon?”
“Notmuch,”Isaid,myvoicebarelyabletoworkthroughthetears.
“Areyouokay?”Shesoundedconcerned.“What’sgoingon,Mila?”
“Iwanttoaskyouaquestion,”Isaid,myvoicewobbly.“Youneedtoanswermehonestly,okay?”
“Okay,”shesaid,hervoicelight.“What’sthequestion?”
“DidyoueverthinkIhadarealchanceatarealrelationshipwithTJ?”
“What?”shesaid.
“Youheardme.DidyoueverreallythinkTJwasinterestedinme?”
“YoumeandidIeverthinkhelikedyoubeforethis?”shesaid,herwordsslow.

“Yeah,ordidyoueverthinkhewouldeverreallywantme?Likeamanwantsawomanhe’lllove

fortherestofhislife?”

“Whyareyouaskingmethis,Mila?”Shesighed.
“Justanswermehonestly.Answermeasafriend.Answermeasmybestfriend.Anddomethe

honorofbeingstraight.Notthebestfriendthatwantstoprotectmyfeelings,butthebestfriendthat
wantstoletherbestfriendknowthetruth.”

“Mila.”Shesighed.“Whatisgoingon?”
“Answerme,”Icriedout.“Justanswerthequestion.”Isobbedforafewseconds.“Please.”
“No,”shesaidquietly,andhervoicecaught.“I’msorry,Mila,butno,IneverthoughtyouandTJ

wouldenduptogether,butthatdoesn’tmeanthat...”HervoicetrailedoffasIscreamedintothe
phone.

“Stop.Don’ttryandmakemefeelbetter.Justbehonestwithme.Myheartisgoingtobreakeither

way.Youtryingtohelpmyfeelingsisn’tgoingtomakemefeelanybetter.”

“YoucandobetterthanTJ,Mila,”shesaidsoftly.“Whereisthiscomingfrom?”
“I’llcallyoulater,”Isaidandhungupthephonequicklyandthenturneditoff.Allofasudden,I

felttired,deathlytired.MybodyachedandIjustwantedtoliedownonthebed.Igotupoutofthe
bathandgrabbedatowel.Idriedmyselfforafewsecondsandthenwaddledtothebedroomand
walkedovertothebedandcollapsedontoitandstartedcryinguncontrollably,TJ’shandsomeface
fillingmymind.IcriedandcrieduntilIstartedpunchingthepillowwithmyfists.Iwassoangrywith
myself.Ifeltsostupid.Likeafoolandanidiot.HowcouldIhaveputmyselfintothisposition?How
couldIhaveeventhoughtforaminutethatthiswasbasedonanythingotherthansex?TJhadnever
beeninterestedinme.He’dneverwooedme.He’dnevercometome.Neveraskedmeonadate.This
wasjustaconvenienthook-upforhim.Iwantedtoscreamatmyself.Wantedtoslapmyselffor
thinkingthathecouldeverloveme.

WhatdidIhavetoofferhim?Iwasn’tbeautiful.Ididn’thaveaperfectbody.Ididn’tlook

anythingliketheothergirlshedated.Iwasn’tsupersmart.Iwasn’tsporty.Iwasn’twittyand
intelligent.Ididn’tfollowthenewsorinternationalaffairs.Wehadnorealinterestsincommon.Ihad
nothingtoofferhim.Hehadthewholeworldtogiveawoman.Iwasnothing.Absolutelynothing.

MysobsweresoloudthatIdidn’thearthefrontdooropening.Ididn’thearhimwalkingtowards

thebedroom.Ididn’thearhimstopattheentrancetothebedroomdoor.Ididn’thearhimstanding
there,staringatme,cryingmyeyesoutandpunchingthepillowlikeIwasbeingkilledorthat
someoneinmylifehaddied.Ididn’thearanything.Ijustcriedandcriedbecausemyheartwasbeing
pulledoutofmybodyandIwasslowlylosingallwilltoeverfeelgoodaboutmyselformylife
again.IfeltlikeIwasbeingbrokenintwo.IfeltlikeIwaslosingapartofmyselfinmydespair.I’d
neverknownwhatitwasliketolosesomeoneimportantbefore,butasIlaytherecrying,IknewthatI
waslosingapartofmyheart.Apartofmyinnocencewasforevergone.

AndthenIheardhim.AndthenIlookedup,myheartpounding,myfaceredandsplotchy.Ifroze

asoureyesmetandhisfacewasamaskofworryandconcern.

“Whyareyoucrying,Mila?”TJwalkedintotheroom,hisfacegrimandtwistedashe

approachedme,hiseyesstudyingmyface.“Whohurtyou?Whathappened?”

“Noonehurtme,”IsaidasIlookedawayfromhim.HowcouldItellhimthatIwascryingfor

myselfbecauseofhim?Becausehemademefeelinvisible?Becausehe’dneveroncelookedatmein
thewayI’dseenhimlookingatthewaitressintherestaurant?HowcouldItellhimthatIwascrying
becauseforonceinmylifeIwantedtomatter?Iwantedtobetheonesomeonewanted.Iwantedtobe
theoneadmired.Forallmylaughterandplans,Iwashurtinside.Iwasmorethanhurt.Iwasbroken.

I’dtriedtohidethefactthatithurtmethathedidn’tcareforsomanyyears.I’dliedtomyselfthat

Iwasn’thurtanddejected.Inmyheadandheart,I’dknownthatitwouldhappen.Iignoredthefactthat

hedidn’tpursueme.Imadealltheseexcusestomyselfforthereasonswhy,whentherealreasonwas
infrontofme.Hejustdidn’tcareaboutme.Yeah,maybehewantedtosleepwithme,butIwasn’this
one.Iwasn’tanythingspecial.Andknowingthat,knowingthathe’dneverlookedatmewiththatglint
inhiseyesthatI’dseenwhenhe’dlookedatMadeline,killedme.Itmademefeelweakandemptyand
aloneandtherewasnothingIcoulddotofixthatfeeling.TherewasnothingIcoulddotomakehim
loveme.TherewasnothingIcoulddotomakehimfeelformethewayIfeltforhim.

Ididn’tunderstandwhy.Ididn’tunderstandhowIcouldfeelallthesefeelings,lovehimsomuch.I

didn’tunderstandwhyIwouldwanthimsomuch,whentohim,Iwasnothing.

“Tellmewhyyou’recrying,Mila.”Hefrownedashesatnexttome.“WhodoIhavetobeatup?”
“Noone.I’mfine.”Igulpedashesatdownonthebedandgingerlytouchedmyshoulder.
“You’renotfine.”Helaydownnexttomeandreachedovertomyface.“Tellmewhat’swrong,

Mila.Please.”

“Nothingiswrong.”Ikeptmyeyesdown.Howdidyoutellsomeonethattheirnotlovingyouhad

brokenyouwithoutseemingpathetic?

“Mila.”HisvoicebrokeandIlookedintohiseyes.“What’sgoingon?”
“Nothing,itdoesn’tmatter.”Itriedtowipemyeyes.Mywholebeingfeltembarrassedand

awkward.

“Itmatterstome,”hesaidsoftly.“PleaseMila,talktome.”
“Youweremeantometonight,”Isaidsoftly,notknowingwhyIwaslettingthewordsout.“Iwas

justwaitingonyou.Andthatguyapproachedmeandyouweremean.”

“Ididn’tintendtobemean,”hesaidstiffly.
“Andthenyouwereflirtingwiththewaitress.Ithoughtyouweregoingtoaskherout.Itwasso

disrespectful.”Ilookeddown.

“Ididn’trealizeIwasflirtingwithher.”Hesighed.“Isthatwhyyou’recrying?”
“I’mjustemotionalbecauseI’mgettingmyperiod,”Ilied.Ididn’twanthimtoknowIwas

devastated.

“ImighthavebeenflirtingwiththewaitressbecauseIwantedtomakeyoujealous.”Hetouched

mycheeklightlyandIlookedoverathimandhehadaweirdlookonhisface.

“Makemejealous?”Iaskedhim,confused.
“IwaslookingforwardtoourdinneralldayandthenIwalkinandseeyouflirtingwithsome

guy.”Heshrugged.“Itmademeupset.”

“Weweren’tflirting.”
“Hewantedyou.”
“Hewasjustbeingfriendly.”
“Guysareonlyfriendlytowomentheywant.”Hemadeaface.“Hewantedyou.”
“Ididn’twanthim.”
“Iactedirrationally,I’msorry.”
“It’sokay.”ItookahugebreathandmyheartbeatstartedtoslowdownasIcalmeddownabit.So

maybehedidn’tthinkthewaitresswashissoulmate,afterall.Though,Istillthoughtitwaspretty
shittythathe’dbeenflirtingwithherrightinfrontofme.

“I’manasshole.”Heleanedawayfrommeandlayflatonhisback.“I’msorry.”
“It’sokay,”Isaidandlayflatonmybackaswell.Webothjustlaythere,staringattheceiling.I

didn’tknowwhattosaynow.Iwantedtoaskhimwhathereallythoughtaboutme,ifhe’dever
thoughtaboutmeinanyotherway.Ifhe’deverloveme.ButIknewthatwouldbepathetic.Justlike
me.Ihatedfeelingthisway.He’dthinkIwascrazy,actingallemotionalovernothing.

“Doesn’titsometimesseemliketheworldisagainstyou?”TJfinallysaid,hisvoicesounding

different,lesssureofhimself.

“Yeah,itdoes,”Iagreed,wonderingwhathewastalkingabout.“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Ijustsometimesfeelthatway,”hesaid,hisvoiceevenlowernow.“Everythinginmyworldhas

alwaysbeenblackandwhite.Hotorcold.Yesorno.Butthat’snotalwayshowlifeworks.Mylifehas
alwaysbeenmeagainsttheworld.”

“That’snottrue,”Iprotested.“YouhaveCody,youhavemyfamily.”Ididn’twanttotellhimthat

hehadme.Thatseemedtoopersonal.Toorevealing.

“Yeah,butinmyheartandbrain,it’sallbeenmeagainsttheworld.”Hesighed.“AndI’vealways

toldmyselfthat...”HisvoicetrailedoffandIwaitedforhimtocontinue.However,afterafew
minutesofsilencehestillhadn’tsaidanythingandsoIspokeup.

“Youtoldyourselfwhat?”
“Nothing,I’mnotmakingsense.”HerolledoverandthenIrolledovertolookathim.Hiseyes

weretender,buthislipsweretwisted.Helookedsolost,likealittleboy,andIfeltmyselflovinghim
somuch.MyheartfilledtothebrimasIstaredathim.Ilovedthismansomuchithurt.

“You’resobeautiful,”hesaidsoftly,hiseyesmeetingmine.
“Thankyou,”Isaidinreply.
“Itkilledmetoseeyoucrying.”Hetookadeepbreath.“Ithoughtsomethinghappened.”
“Nothinghappened.”
“Iknow,butIthought...”Hisvoicetrailedoffagainandheclosedhiseyes.“Thisisamess.”
“What’samess?”Ireachedoverandtouchedhisshoulder.
“Nothing.”Hislipstwisted.“You’resospecial—youknowthat,right?”
“What’ssospecialaboutme?”Ijoked,butmyheartstoodstillasIwaitedforhim.
“Youjustdon’tevenknow.”Hiseyesseemedtodarkenandhewassilentforafewsecondsashe

staredatme.“Oh,Mila,butterfliesenvyyou.”Hereachedoverandcaressedmyface.

“Whywouldbutterfliesenvyme?”Ilaughedawkwardly.Theairseemedtostandstillintheroom

asIwaitedforhisanswer.

“Thesightofyou.Thesoundofyourlaugh.Thelightesttouchofyourarm.Thesmellofyour

hair.Thewayyoureyescrinklewhenyousmile.Thewayyouplaywithyourhairwhenyou’re
nervous.Thewayyoulistentome.ThewayyoumakemefeelwhenI’mwithyou.Thewholeworld
standsstillwhenmyeyescatchyours.Thewholeworldstandsstillandeventhebutterfliesarecaught
upinyouraura.”

“Oh,TJ,”Isaid,abouttosaymore,butheheldafingertomylipsandsmiled,abeautiful,

handsome,heartwarmingsmilethatmademyheartache.Ireachedoverandpulledhimclosertome.

“Thesightofyouignitesmyheart,Mila.Thesoundofyourlaughismusictomyears.Just

knowingthatI’mnexttoyou,thewaythatmakesmefeel,it’senoughtoletmeknow...”Hisvoice
trailedoffagainandhelookedawayfrommethen.

“Letyouknowwhat?”Iaskedbreathlessly.
“IknewIwasfallingforyouwhentheworldstoodstill,”hesaid,asifheweretalkingtohimself.

Hethenlookedbackatme,aconfusedexpressiononhisface.“WhenIsawyoucryingjustnow,itfelt
liketheworldwasgoingtocombustandburstintoflames.Itmademefeelthings.Thinkthings.”He
sighed.

“Isthatagoodthing?”Iaskedhimsoftly,hopestartingtobubbleinsideofme.
“I’mstilltryingtodecide.”Helookedconfused.
“Doyouloveme?”Iasked,mythroatimmediatelyfreezingassoonasthewordswereout.How

couldIhaveaskedhimthat?IwantedtodieassoonasI’dsaidthewords.

“I’mtryingnotto.I’mreallytryingnotto.”HelookedsobleakandIwasn’tsure,butIreached

overtohimtobringhimevenclosertome,tocomforthim,eventhoughitwasmyheartthatwas
breaking.AllIcouldthinkinsidewasloveme,loveme,loveme,please,loveme.

“Don’tfallforme,Mila.Pleasedon’tfallforme,”hesaidashekissedmyneckandheldme

close.

Ialreadyhave.Iclosedmyeyesandheldhimclose,prayingthatmoretearswouldn’tstarttofall.

ChapterSeven

TJ

TwentyYearsAgo

ThewholeroomwasdarkasIcrawledoutofbed.IwasthirstyandhungryandIrubbedmyeyesasI
mademywaytomybedroomdoor.Isawmytoysoldiersonthefloornexttomybedandpickedup
twoofthemtotakewithmetothekitchen.Iwalkedquietlytothedoor,asIknewmydadwouldbe
upsetifheknewIwasoutofbed.I’dgetintroubleandgroundedandIwouldn’tbeabletoplayvideo
games,andthatwouldsuck.

MyhandfrozeonthedoorknobasIturneditanditsqueaked.Ipausedandheldmysoldiers

tightlyasIpeekedintothecorridor.Therewasnonoiseandnodoorswereopening.Iwassafe.

Icreptoutoftheroomandwalkedsoftly,avoidingalltheloosefloorboardsthatIknewmade

noise.ImadeittothetopofthestairswhenallofasuddenIheardanoise.Ifroze,myeyeswidening,
andIlookedbehindmetomakesuremydadwasn’tcomingout.Nodoorsopened,butonceagainI
heardthenoise.Itiltedmyheadtothesideandlistenedagain.Itsoundedlikeasob.Asifsomeone
werecrying.

IfeltmylowerlipwobblingandIwasn’tsurewhy.Istartedtoheadbacktomybedroombutthen

stoppedandwalkedtowardsthebedroommymomsleptin.Myfriendsthoughtitwasweirdthatmy
momanddadsleptindifferentrooms,butitwasallI’deverknown.

Imademywaytoherbedroomandopenedthedoorslowly.Istaredintotheroom,myeyes

adjustingtothedarknessandthenIsawher,curleduponthebed,herfaceinherhandsandshewas
sobbing,herhairamessonherpillow.Istoodthere,watchingher,myheartthudding,mystomach
feelingemptyandmyfaceturningredwithheat.HersobsseemedtogetlouderandlouderasIstood
thereandIfeltbothofmytoysoldiersfallingtothefloor.Ibitdownonmylowerlip,scaredthatmy
momheardthenoise,butshedidn’t.Ifanything,hersobsgotevenlouder.Ashertearscascaded
downherfaceIwatchedasherfistshitherpillowasifshewerepunchingit.Ididn’treallyunderstand
whatwasgoingon.

“Mommy?”Isaidsoftly,notsurewhattodo.Iwantedtogooverandhugher.Iwantedtogoover

andaskherifeverythingwasOK.Iwantedhertoholdmeinherarmsandkissthetopofmyhead
likeshedideverymorningbeforeIwenttoschool.

Butmyfeetwouldn’tmove.Ileanedbackintothedoorwayandstartedtosuckmythumb.Mydad

wouldbepissedifhesawmesuckingmythumb.Hetoldmeboysdidn’tsucktheirthumb.Itriednot
to,butthereweresometimeswhenIjustcouldn’tstopmyself.Thiswasoneofthosetimes.Iwanted
tobeabigboy,Ireallydid.Iwaseight,Ishouldbeabletostop,butsometimesIjustcouldn’t.

“Mom,”Isaidagain,softly,wishingshewouldlookupandseeme,andstopcrying,butshedidn’t

hearmeorseeme.Insteadshejustkeptcryingandcrying.

“Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou,”shecriedoutintoherpillowandIstartedsuckingonmythumb

harder.

“Mom,”Iwhispered,feelingscared,mywholebodyfeelingcoldwithuncertainty.
“Ijustwanttodie,”shecriedoutandIsobadlywantedtogoovertoherandkissher.Isobadly

wantedtogoovertotellherIlovedher.ButIcouldn’tmove.Icouldn’tgetthewordsoutofmy
mouth.Istoodthereforabouttenmoreminutesandthenquietlypickedupmytoysoldiers,closedthe
doorandmademywaytomyroomandcrawledbackintomybed,closedmyeyesandpretendedto
sleepuntilsleepfinallytookme.

WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,myfathertoldmethatmymotherhadgonetoHeavenearlier

thatmorning.AllIdidwasstareathimasmyheartclosedinandmystomachtightened.Hedidn’t
reachouttohugmeoraskmeifIwasokayandIdidn’treachouttohim.InsteadIjustwalkedbackto
myroom,gotbackintomybed,curledintoaballandsuckedmythumb.

PresentDay

Everymorning,Iwouldwakeupandjustlietherewithoutopeningmyeyes.ItusedtobethatI

wantedtoavoidthebeginningofthenewdayforaslongaspossible.I’dliethereandimaginethatI
wassomewhereelse,anywhereelse.SometimesI’dpictureIwasonadesertedislandsomewhere,the
sunonmyface,thesaltyaircaressingmycheeksasItriedtofigureouthowtoclimbtheclosest
coconuttreeandpickasmanycoconutsasIcould.Othertimes,IwouldpicturemyselfatMila’s
housewithherfamily,playingboardgamesorjustsittingaroundthedinnertabletalkingaboutour
days.

I’dalwaysfounditfunnythatthey’dalwaysseemedsointerestedinhearingaboutmylife,asifI

wereimportantormatteredtothem.Nooneelsehadeverseemedtocare.Certainlynotmyfather.He
caredabout:mygrades,mysportsmanshipandwhatgirlsIdated.Therewasnothingelseinmylife
thatwasimportanttohim.I’dlearnedatanearlyagenottobothergoingtohimwhenIwashappy,
excitedorsad.Hedidn’tlistenandhedidn’tcare.AndIlearnednottocare.Notaboutanything.It
wasn’timportant.Iwasn’timportant.ThoughforsomereasonIwasimportanttoMilaandCody,and
theirparents,andevenNonnolookedatmelikeImattered.Itwasastrangefeeling,nice,but
uncomfortable.

WhenIwokeupinthemorningsnow,Istillkeptmyeyesclosed,butitwasn’ttothinkaboutother

placesIcouldbe,itwastoletmymindthinkaboutMilacompletelyunadulterated.Iwouldpictureher
smile,thebrighthappylookinhereyes,thewaysheplayswithherhairwhenshe’snervous.Iwould
thinkaboutthewayshesmells,likerosesonadewyday,fresh,crisp,clean,fragrant.Iwouldimagine
hertouchingmyarmorchest,imagineherholdingmeclose,pressingherheadagainstmychestand
holdingmetightly.Iwouldseemyselfpullingherintomyarmsandkissingherforeheadandthenwe
wouldjustbethere,boundtogetherbysomeemotionIdidn’twanttoacknowledge.Andthenasmy
anxietycreptin,andthedoubtsstartedtocome,Iwouldfindmyeyesopeningslowly,readytoface
theday,toforgetthefantasythatIdidn’tthinkIreallywanted.AndthenIwouldfocusonthetaskat
handandonwhytherewillneverbeamomentlikethatinmydaydreamsagain.

Thismorning,Iawoke,butIdidn’tjustliethere.Ididn’tfocusonanything.Myeyesflewopen

andIlookedovertotherighttolookatMila,toseethatshewasokay.Itwasweirdhavinghershare
mybednow.ItwasweirdthatsometimesIwokeupandthoughtofherandkissedherandcaressed
herinmymind,yetinperson—inreallife—Ijustlaythere,notabletoexpressthefeelingswithin,in
person.

“Morning,”IsaidsoftlywhenIsawhereyelashesflutteringasIfacedher.Iknewshewasawake

andwasjusttryingtopretendshewassleeping.Shedidn’tanswermeandIsmiledtomyselfasIfelta
surgeofhappinesstrailingthroughmybodyfornorealreason.ItalwayssurprisedmehowhappyI
feltjustbeinginhercompany.Unfortunately,Ialsofeltsurgesofangerandjealousywhenaround
her.Ifshelookedatanotherguyandsmiledinhersweet,friendlyway,itenragedme.Didn’tshe
realizethatothermenmightreadsomethingintohersmile?Whatannoyedmeevenmorewas
wonderingifshewasinterestedinthemaswell?Whatreallydidsheseeinme?Whatdidshewant
fromme?Wouldshebehappytobewithanotherman?

Iknewthesethoughtswereirrational,buttheyalwayscameandIabsolutelyhatedthem.Ihated

feelinglikeshewastakingovermybrain;makingmethinkandfeelthingsIdidn’twanttofeel.She

openedupdoubts,pains,hurtsIdidn’twanttothinkabout.Thehappinesswasahigh,buttheflipside
ofthat,well,theflipsidewasdark.

“Isaid,goodmorning,Mila,”Isaidagainandreachedovertoticklerherunderthearm.
“No,youdidn’t.”Hereyespoppedopenasherbodyreactedandshepushedmyhandaway.“You

said‘morning,’notgoodmorning.”Shesmiledatmesweetlyassheyawnedgently.Iwatchedasshe
pushedherhairawayfromherfaceandwonderedathowbeautifulshewas.Howcouldherbrown
eyesdosomuchtomewhenshelookedatme?

“Soyouwereawake?”Igrinnedatherandleanedforwardtogiveheraquickandsoftkissonthe

lips.HereyeswidenedslightlyandshejustlaythereandstaredbackatmeasImovedback.

“Ineversaidthat.”Shebitherlowerlip,hereyessparkling.“Mysubconsciousmusthaveheard.”
“Uhhuh.”Inodded,rollingmyeyes.“Thatmustbeit.”
“Yeah,itis.”Shelaughedandthenreachedoverandtouchedmyhairgingerly,runningher

fingersthroughmyunkempt,short,darklocksbeforeleavingmyhairandtouchingmyface.Her
fingersranalongmyjawline,touchingmystubble,touchingmelightlyastheymadetheirwaytomy
chin.Herfingersweredainty,lightasshetouchedme,andIfeltmybodyfreezinguncomfortably.
Hertouchwaslikemagic,butIdidn’tlikeit.Ididn’tlikethewayshelookedatmeadoringlyasshe
caressedmyface.Itmademefeel...well,Ican’tdescribetheemotion.Itturnedmystomachinto
knotsandIfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Ifeltoutofcontrol.

“Soareyoufeelingbetterthismorning?”Iaskedher,pullingbackandlookingawayfromher.

Sometimesgazingintohereyeswastoounnervingformyequilibrium.

“Yeah,Isuppose.”HervoicewasuncertainandIgazedatheragain.Thistimeitwashereyesthat

felltothesideuncertainlyasshefiddledwithherfingers.AnawkwardsilencebefellusandI
stretchedoutinthebedandclosedmyeyes.IcouldfeelMilacurlingupandhuggingherselfnextto
me.Iwantedtoreachoverandholdhertight.Iwantedtotellherthatwedidn’thavetobe
uncomfortablewitheachother.Iwantedtoholdhercloseandtellhertoletherworriesgo.ButI
couldn’t.InsteadIpulledthesheetoffofmybodyandturnedtoherwithawickedgrin.

“Pleasureme,woman.”
“What?”Shegavemeafunnylook,hereyesnarrowingasshelookeddownatmyboxershorts

andthenbacktomyeyes.

“Isaid,pleasureme,woman.”IgrinnedatherasIjoked,tryingtobreaktheawkwardtensionin

theair.Iwasn’treallysurewhereithademanatedfrom,butIdidn’tlikeit.Iwasalotmore
comfortablewhenthefocuswasonsex.

“Yeah,okay.”Milashookherhead.“Givemeaminute.”
“Idon’twanttogiveyouaminute.”Igrabbedherhandsandpulledhertowardsme.“Iwanttofeel

thoselipsonmycockrightnow.”

“You’resocrude.”Shelookedatme,annoyed,andmystomachflipped.“I’mnotsometoyor

plaything,justheretopleasureyouwhenyouwant.”

“You’renot?”Igrowled,mybrainstartingtofeelpanickedasIkeptonjoking.
“Touchme,woman.”
“TJ.”Sheshookherhead,disappointmentinhereyes,sadnessinthetiltofherlips.
“Fine,don’t,”Isaid,laughingawkwardly,notreallyknowingwhattosay.
“IsthisallIamtoyou?”shesaidsoftly,longdrawn-outsighsleavinghermouthasherbody

movedawayfromme.

“No,”Isaidabruptly,almostharshly.Isoundedangryandthatmadememadatmyself.WhydidI

soundangry?Andwhywasmystomachchurningandmyforeheadheatingup?Iwantedtojumpout
ofthebed.Iwantedtogohaveashowerandalongrun.Ineededdistancefromher.

“Allyouwantissex.”ShelookeddisgustedandIwasn’tsureifitwaswithmeorherself.

“That’snotallthatIwant.”
“Youdon’twantloveandmarriage,though,doyou?”Icouldhearthehopeinhervoice.How

couldItellherthatinsomesortofalternatereality,Iwantedjustthat?InmydeepestdreamsIwanted
that—thewhite-picketfence,thewife,threekids,aloudyappydogandmoodycat.Butthatwasjusta
fantasy,notreallife.Myreallifewouldn’tgoanythinglikethat.

“Youwantafamilyandkids?”Iasked,thoughIknewtheanswer.
“Yes,”shesaidlightly.“Twoboys,agirl.ALabradorRetriever.”
“You’llhaveit,”Isaid,thoughitkilledmetosaythat.Ididn’twanttothinkofherwithanother

man,married,givingbirthtohiskids.Infactitinfuriatedme.Itmademewanttokilltheotherman,
eventhoughhedidn’treallyexist.

“Iguessnotinthenextfourweeks,”shetriedtojoke,herwordsshaky.
“Yeah,notinthenextfourweeks.”Ismiledbackather,tryingtoforgetthatthisarrangementwas

temporary.Shewouldn’tbeherewithmeeverymorning.Ididn’thavetoworrythatshe’dtakeover
mylife.She’donlybehereforafewmoreweeksandtheneverythingwouldbebacktonormal.

“Sowhatexactlydoyoufeelforme,TJ?”sheaskedagain,andIfroze.Ididn’twanttogetinto

thisconversationwithher.AfterI’dseenhercrying,Ihadwantedtopunchsomethingorsomeone.A
partofmehadbeenscared.I’dneverseenherlikethatbefore.IthadopenedupsomethinginmeandI
hadletherintoapartofmysoulthathadbeenclosedoffbefore.

“Idon’tknowhowtoanswerthatquestion,Mila.”Isighed,“Ireallydon’t.”
“Doyouloveme?”sheaskedmeagainhopefully,andmyheartlurchedatherquestion.Ididn’t

knowwhyshekepttorturingthebothofus.

“Iloveyoulikefamily,”Ilied.Iwasn’tsureexactlywhatIfeltforher,butIknewIdidn’tloveher

likeasisteroranythinglikethat.

“Likefamily?”Icouldseethehurtinhereyesanditmademyheartthudalittleharder.Iwantedto

reachoutandtouchherface,butIdidn’t.Icouldn’t.Somepartofme,thepartthatwasreserved,the
partthatwasscaredofemotionsandfeelings,didn’tknowhowtoreachout.Ididn’tknowhowtotell
herthethingsIwasfeeling.Ididn’tevenunderstandthethingsIwasfeeling.HowcouldItellherthat
thehurtinherfacewasthesamehurtIfeltbeatinginmyheartrightthen?

“Soyouthinkofmeasyoursister?”Thistimehervoicewasangry,betrayed,andIswallowed

hard.

“Obviouslynot,Mila.Iwouldn’tfuckmysister.”Mywordswereharsh,harsherthanI’dintended,

andIwasannoyedatmyself.

“Yeah,Iguessyouwouldn’tfuckher,justeveryoneelse,”Milasaidbitterlyandlookedaway

fromme.IcouldfeelthatIwaslosingherandIwasscared.Itookadeepbreathandreachedouta
handtoherarm.SheflinchedandpulleditawayfrommeandIfeltlikeshe’djustslappedmeinthe
face.

“Mila,IwishIcouldtellyouwhatyouwanttohear.Allthosemagicalfairy-talewordsthatyou

deserve,butI’mnoPrinceCharming.I’veneverpretendedtobe.”Irubbedmyforehead.“I’mall
sortsofmessedup,andyouknowthat.”

“It’sfine,”shesaidsoftly,lookingaway.“Idon’tcare.Wedon’thavetotalkaboutit.I’mfine.”
Ijustlaytherethen,staringatherfaceassheavoidedmyeyes.Iwatchedasherlipstrembledand

shestartedtoplaywithherhair.Icouldtellthatshewasupset.Shealwaysfiddledwithherhairwhen
shewasnervousorupset.IlookedbackuptoherfaceandIcouldseethathereyelashesweremoving
quickly.MythroatcaughtasIrealizedshewasfightingtears.I’ddonethistoher.Ifeltoverwhelmed
andangrywithmyself.Ididn’twanttomakehercry.Iwantedhertobehappy.Ineededhertobe
happy.Iwasalreadyintoodeep.Iknewshewouldenduphatingme.IknowthatthesecretsIheld
wouldbreakher.Iknewtheywouldbreakher,butIcouldn’thelpthat.

Iclosedmyeyesforasecondandstartedtalking.Thewordscameslowly,sincemybrainwasn’t

functioningproperlyandIdidn’tknowwhattosay.

“Idolikeyou,Mila,”Isaidintothesilence,myeyesstillclosed.“Imightevenloveyouinsome

way.Somesortoflovethatgrowsfromtheheartlikeweedsinagarden.”

“What?”shesaid,hervoicetimid,andIopenedmyeyestolookather.
“Myloveforyouislikeweedsgrowinginagarden,”Isaid,myvoicebleak.“Idon’twanttolove

you,I’mtryingeverythingIcantonotloveyou,butthefeelingkeepsgrowingandgettingstronger,
nomatterwhatItrytodo.”

“Youdon’twanttoloveme?”Shelookedconfused,hereyeswide,gazingatmewithsuchan

innocentexpressionthatIfeltadaggercuttingintomyheartasIstaredbackather.Ididn’tknowhow
toexplainittoher.Ididn’tevenknowhowtoexplainittomyself.

“I’mnotthatguy,Mila,”Isaid,mythroatdry.“Idon’twanttolosemyselfinyou.”
“Idon’tthinkthatcouldeverhappen,”shesaid,rollinghereyesasshecontinuedtogazeatme.

“You’refriggingTJWalker.”

“TJWalker,yupthat’sme,”Isaidwithawrysmile.“I’mKingoftheWorld.”
“Youhaveeverythingyoucouldwant:money,women,looks.”Sheshrugged.“You’vegotthe

perfectlife.”

“MylifeisfarfromperfectandIdon’tthinkI’vegotitall.”
“Sowhatareyou,then?”Shesighed.“Areyoubroken?”
“Youhavetohavebeenwholetobebroken,”Isaid,andMila’seyessoftened,gazingatmein

compassionand,forafewseconds,understanding,asifshefinallycomprehendedwhereIwas
comingfrom.

“Yourparentsreallymessedyouup,huh?”Shereachedoutandgrabbedmyhand.
“Iguess.”Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.”AndIdidn’t.Iguessapsychiatristwouldhavebeenableto

tellmewhatwaswrong.Wheremyfearsofloveandcommitmentcamefrom.Maybetheycouldtell
mewhyasmuchasmyheartbeatforMila,shewasthelastthingIwantedinmylife.Icouldn’teven
tellherhowIreallyfelt.Icouldn’ttellherthatIlovedherasmuchasIhatedher.Icouldn’ttellher
thatwitheverywakingminutethatIwantedtobewithher,Iwantedtoforgether.Iwantedtovanquish
herfrommylife.HowcouldItellherthatwitheverymomentIlovedher,Ihatedher.Ihatedherfor
makingmefeellikeIwasn’tincontrol.Ihatedherforbeingthesunshineinmylifeonawarmday
andthestormsinthecloudsonabadone.

Icouldn’ttellherbecauseitwouldkillher.Iknewitwouldkillherbecauseitkilledme.Itkilled

metoknowthatIcouldn’tjustexpressthefeelingsinmyheart.Icouldn’tjustgowiththelove.Oh
howIwishedIcouldgowiththelove.HowIwishedtheotherfeelingsofinsecuritywouldn’tpopup.
HowdifferentwouldeverythingbeifIcouldexpressthefeelingsinmysoul?Howdifferentwouldit
beifIunderstoodthefeelingsinmysoul?MyjawclenchedasIrealizedthatthatwasonlyonepartof
theequation,andtherewassomuchmoretoourrelationshipnow.Wewerediggingourselvesintoa
deeperanddeeperhole.AholeIwasn’tsurewe’devergetoutof.Aholethatmightleadtohernever
talkingtomeagain.Oh,thepainofthinkingthatshe’dnevertalktomeagain.Thepainofnothaving
herinmylife.Itwouldkillme.Itwouldturnmeintoazombie.Adeadpersonlivingontheearth,but
withnorealreasonforliving.

Icouldn’tchangeourpathnow,though.Everythingwassocomplicatedandfuckedup.Howcould

Istarttellingherthetruth,afterhavingtoldhersomanylies?WoulditevenmatterifIcouldtellher
howmuchIlovedher?Whatwasmylove,afterall?Whatwasthepromiseofamilliondollarsfrom
abeggar?OrthepromiseofafortnightofhotsunfromanEskimo?Ihadnothingtogivethatwould
makemeworthyofher.Nothingtochangeourpathofmutualdestruction.Iknewwewerebothgoing
tobedevastatedattheendofeverything.AnditscaredmemorethanIwaswillingtoadmit.

“Whyareyoulikethis,TJ?”Shesighed.“Idon’tunderstand.Whydoesithavetobelikethis?”
“Idon’tknow.”Isighedtoo,squeezingherhands.I’daskedmyselfthatquestionamilliontimes

andIdidn’tknow.“MaybethisisjustwhoI’vealwaysbeen.”

“Sowe’rejustgoingtofoolaroundforfourweeks,whilewestageafakeengagement,andthen

that’sit?”sheasked,questioningme,tryingtowithdrawherhands,butIwouldn’tlether.

“Yeah,Iguessso,”Ianswered,notreallysurewhattosay.Shehadnoideathatthebombthatwas

comingwasgoingtobemuch,muchworsethanthat.

“It’ssoeasyforyou,isn’tit?”Shesighed.“Justjumpinandoutofbedwithallthewomenyou

wantandthenjustmoveon.”

Ishookmyhead.“It’snoteasyatall.”Shehadnoideahowuniqueshewas,howspecial.HowI

couldn’teventhinkofanotherwomaninanywayotherthanplatonic.I’dlostallattractiontothem.
Whichwasironic,asI’dalwaysappreciatedaniceassandrack.

“Soyouwerejustbornthisway?Unfeeling?Uncaring?”sheaskedagain,prodding.Ididn’tknow

whatshewashopingtoaccomplish,andwhileIdidn’twanttoseeherhurting,Ididn’tknowhowto
endtheconversationtopreventthat.

“Isupposeso.”Ishrugged.
“Okay,then.”ShelickedherlipsandIcouldseethelightinhereyesfading.“Iunderstand.”She

nodded.“It’sfine,really.We’lljusthavefunandthenwhenit’sdone,wecanjustgobacktobeing
friendsagain.”Shelookedintomyeyesandgavemeabigsmile.“I’manadult,Icanhandleit.”

Myheartbrokethen.Thelookinhereyessoproud,sodetermined,soheartbroken.
“IwishIcouldbethemanyouneedmetobe,”Isaid,myvoicelowerthanawhisper.
“What?”sheaskedme,leaningincloser.
“I’mgladyoucanbesomatureaboutit,”Isaidlouderandherfacefrozeasshenodded.Myheart

brokeforheranditbrokeforme.Iknewinthatmomentthatbothofourspiritsweresomehow
fading,bothofusforeverconnectedtothismoment.Thathopeandlovehaddiedslightly.Thatwe
werebothvictimstosomethingwedidn’tunderstand.Inthatmoment,Ifeltapieceofmysoulbeing
tornoutofmybody.IfeltlikeicewaspilingintomyheartandstomachandIdidn’tknowhowto
breathe.

Itshouldn’tfeelthisway.Yet,itdid.Iwasdoingthisforher.IwasdoingthisbecauseIknewI

couldn’tgiveherwhatsheneeded.Notreally.Ididn’tknowhow.Andwhatwasworse,Ididn’tknow
thatallofmewantedtoknowhow.AsmuchasIlovedbeingwithher,Ihatedit.Ihatedhowshemade
mefeel.Ihatedtheinsecurity.Ihatedthejealousy.Ihatedthepowerlessness.Ihatedthatsometimes
whenIwasaloneandlookingatthesky,herfacewouldpopintomymindandIwouldfindmyself
spendingminutesandhoursjustthinkingofhersmile.IhatedthatIfeltlikeshewasmadeforme.She
wasmyotherhalf,mysoulmate.ShemademebelieveinGodandthatwasalaughbecauseIhadn’t
believedinalongtime.

“So,whatdoyouwanttodotoday?”Iaskedherfinally,pretendingthatwehadn’tjusthadthe

mostlife-alteringconversationofourlives.Igrinnedather,willinghertogrinback.Willingherto
goalongwiththefaçadethatwewerebothcoolwithwhateverthisgamewas.

“IthinkI’mgoingtogoandseeNonno,”shesaid,attemptingasmile.“Maybegotothebeachor

something.”

“Oh,thatwillbefun.”Iwasannoyedthatapartofmewantedhertoaskmetogotothebeachwith

them.Ididn’treallywanttogotothebeach;Ijustwantedtobewithher.

“Yeah.”Shenodded.“Itwillbefun.NonnowilllikelytellmemorestoriesofhimandNonna

whentheywerebackinItaly.”Shelaughed.“Shoot,he’llmostprobablytellthesamestoriestomy
kidsandgrandkids.”ShelaughedandIjustnodded,notwantingtogothere.“Ishouldgetupand
shower,”shesaidfeebly.Icouldtellthatshewantedtobeawayfromme,wantedtofigureouther

feelings,seewhatshewasleftwithinside.IhopedIhadn’thurthertoobadly.Ididn’twanttodothat.I
hadn’texpectedhertogetsodeepinconversation.

“Okay,thatsoundsgood.”Inoddedandwatchedasshejumpedoutofbed.Mybodymissedheras

soonasshewasgone.Itwasthefirstmorningsinceshe’dbeenherethatwehadn’tmadelove.I
wantedtoreachupandgrabherandpullherbackdownontothebed,butIdidn’t.Shegavemeaself-
conscioussmileasshewalkedaway,hereyeslookingsmallandsad,andIjustgrinnedasshewalked
intothebathroom,pretendingthatIdidn’tnoticeherdowntroddenspirit.

Thiswasforthebest.Itwassmartformetogethertostarthatingmefromnowon.Thiswayshe

wouldn’tbesoheartbrokenanddowntroddenwheneverythingcameout.

IheardthesoundofthewaterintheshowerandIfelttearscomingtomyeyesforthefirsttimein

years.Iwasamanwhodidn’tcry.Iwasamanwhodidn’tshedatear,butinthatmomentIcouldn’t
stopmyself.IfeltlikeI’djustlostapartofmyself.Iwasn’tevensurehoworwhy,butasthetears
flowed,IknewthatIneededtherelease.ApartofmewonderedifIwascryingbecauseshewas
cryingintheshower.Itwouldn’thavesurprisedme.Weweresoconnected.Ourbodiesattunedwith
eachother ’severyactionandfeeling.I’dneverexperiencedsomethingsoextrasensorybefore.I
wouldn’thavebelieveditwaspossible.Milawasmysoulmate.

WewereconnectedinwaysI’dneverhavebelievedpossible,butwewerenevergoingtogettobe

togetherfortworeasons.OnereasonwasthefactthatshewouldhatemeoncesherealizedwhatIwas
hidingfromher,andthesecondreasonwasbecauseitconfoundedmetobelievethatshecouldlove
meandstaywithmeforever.Iwasn’tgoodenoughforher.Iwasn’tthemanshethoughtIwasandI
knewthatitwouldkillmeonceshefoundthatoutandstoppedlovingme.Icouldloseeverythingin
theworldandnothaveithurtasmuchaslovingMilaandlosingherwhensherealizedwhoIreally
was.

ChapterEight

Mila

Thegoatandthefish.Thatwasus.Hewasthegoat:frisky,moody,intelligent,questioning,hardto
read.Iwasthefishswimmingtowardhim,followinghim,wantinghim,waitingforhim.Always
waitingforhim.EverydayIwokeupandthoughtabouthowIwantedtokickthatgoat,thoughsome
daysIdidn’twanttokicksohard.Youdon’tkickhardwhenyoulovesomeone.

Everydayfeltdifferentnow.Somedays,IcouldalmostpretendthatIfelthappy,asifIwere

ridingthebulloflifeandchargingdownthestreetsofPamplonalikesomebad-assSpaniardwithno
fear.ThosewerethedaysIloved,feelinghighonlife,excitedtojustbemeandtoexperience
everythingthatIcould.Icravedallofthefeelingsthatwentthroughme:pain,happiness,joy,
jealousy,love.Allofthemmademefeelalive,likeIhadapurpose.Andthentherewerethedaysthat
Ididn’twanttowakeup.Evensittingupinbedwasaneffort.Thinkingofhimwasaburden.A
heartache.Adepression.AmemoryIdidn’twanttorelive.

Thosedayswerealwaysthesame.Thethoughtswerealwaysthesame.Themomentetchedinmy

mindwasalwaysthesame.We'reatthelake.It'smid-September.Itwasacoupleofyearsago,whenI
wasincollege.I’dbeensoexcitedtogotothelakehousethatsummer.Somepartofmehadthought
thatthatwasgoingtobethesummerthatTJandIwouldfinallygettogether.Itwaslatethatnight,
about11p.m.Irememberthetimeexactlybecausehe'dtoldmewehadtobethereby9p.mandI'd
beenlate.Wewerescaredwewouldn'tseetheconstellation,butwestillhadhope.Weweretired,but
alert.HewantedtoshowmeCapricornus,thesea-goat.I'dlaughed.I'dneverheardofasea-goat
constellation.He'dheldmyhandandtoldmetojustwait.ThattherewereseveralthingsI'dnever
heardofbefore.Andsowelaybackandwaited.HetoldmehowCapricornuswasrepresentedbyan
imageofahybridgoatandafish.IjokedthathewasmoodylikeagoatandhesaidIwasantsylikea
fish.ItoldhimthatIwasonbreakfromcollege,sodidn’tneedhimactinglikeabossyprofessor.He
saidI’dbesolucky.I’djustlookedathim,confused,andaskedhimluckyforhimtobebossy?And
he’djustlaughed.

Hisshoulderhadrubbednexttominegentlyaswelaylookingupatthestars,waiting.Thedistant

starsandmoonprovidedtheonlylightandasIlookedoverathisshadowedface,Ihadfeltmyheart
swelling.Helookedoveratme,gavemeasmallsmileandtoldmetolookbackattheskyandtowait
patiently.IrememberIrolledmyeyesathisbossytone,butIdidn'tsayanything.Ilikeditwhenhe
tookcharge.Andthen,justwhenIthoughtwewerewaitinginvain,wesawashootingstarandIfelt
hishandfindingmineandsqueezing.Wejustlaythere,staringatthesky,hand-in-hand,andasthe
coolbreezeranacrossmyface,IthoughtthatthiswasperhapsoneofthehappiestmomentsI'dever
hadinmylife.Ineverwantedittoend.

"Doyoubelieveinsoulmates?"Ihadaskedhimsoftly,notabletostopmyself.
"Soulmates?"
"Youknow,youronetruelove?"
"Onetruelove?"Helaughed,hiseyeslookingatmeforafewsecondsandthenawayfromme."I

thinktherearemanylovesforeveryone."

"Isee."MyheartdroppedandIgavehimmybestfakesmileandlookedbackatthesky.
"Why?Doyoubelieveinsoulmates?"
"Ido,"Isaidearnestly."Ibelievethatthere'soneperfectpersonmadeforeveryone."
"Madebywhom?"Helaughedagain.
"ByGod,"Isaidstiffly,feelingawkward.
"Oh,okay."Hisvoicetrailedoff."Surething."

"Or,ifyouprefer,theuniverse.Ithinkthatthereisoneperfectpersonoutthereforeveryoneand

whenyoumeetthemyoujustknow."

"Youjustknowwhat?"
"Thatthey'retheone,ofcourse."Iwasstartingtogetannoyed."Youknowthattheyareyourtrue

love.Theoneyou'vewaitedyourwholelifefor.Theonethatjustgetsyou.Theonethatyourheart
wasmadetolove.Infact,they'realreadyinyourheart.Andwhenyoumeetthem,whenyourealize
thattheyaretheone,thenyoufeelwhole,asifeverythinginlifemakessense."

"That'sanicefairytale."hesaidwithalaugh.
"Idon'tthinkit'safairytale."
"Well,goodlucktoyouthen,Mila.Ihopeyoumeetthisperfectman,yoursoulmate,orwhatever."

Hisvoicehadbeenstiffandtheairhadgonesilent.

ThatwasthemomentthatIstartedtoquestioneverything.ThatwasthemomentIknewIloved

himasmorethanacrush.ThatwasthemomentIknewthatmyfairytalemightnevercometrue.

***

There’sanumbnessinpainthatIwelcome.It’sawelcomechangefromgut-wrenchingpainand
emptinessthatyoufeelwhenyoulovesomeonewhodoesn’tloveyou.Thereisnothingworsethan
thefeelingofrejection.Thereisnothingworsethannotbeinggoodenough.Thereisnothingworse
thanthefeelinginyourheartwhenyourealizethatthemanthatyoulovedoesn’tloveyouback;even
ifyouwouldhavebetyoursoulonitthathedid.Ididn’ttrustmyheartanymore,ormybrain.They
bothliedtome.TheytoldmethatTJlovedme.Iknewhedidn’twanttoloveme.Iknewthathe’d
nevertoldmehelovedme,butsomethinginmehadstillbelievedittobetrue.Somethingintheway
thathesmiled,inthewaythathelookedatme,hispossessiveness,thatwayheheldmeclose,theway
hetalkedtome.Allofthosethingshadtoldmehewastheone.Butitwasallinmyhead.Itwasalla
dream.Afantasy.I’dgoneandmadeafoolofmyselfandIwasembarrassedandashamedand
devastated.Andmyheart—well,Iwassurprisedmyheartwasstillfunctioning.

I’dleftTJ’shousethatmorning,anxioustogetawayfromhimandtoseeNonno.Thoughapart

ofmehadhopedthathewouldsay,“Don’tgo.Spendthedaywithme,Mila,”butofcoursehehadn’t
saidthosewords.Hehadn’tsaidanythingandI’dleftandtoldhimI’dseehimlaterandhe’dtoldme
toenjoymydaywithNonnoandtomakeitspecial.I’dsmiled,butIhadn’tbeenabletolookhimin
theeyes.Ihadn’twantedhimtoseetheheartbreakinmyirises.

IresistedtheurgetocheckmyphoneagainonceIhitastoplight.Iknewthattherewouldn’tbeany

textsfromTJ.Ihadn’theardmyphonebeeping.Hedidn’tcare.Hewasn’tthinkingofmeasmuchasI
wasthinkingofhim.Thatdidn’tmattertomethough.AssoonasIwasstopped,Igrabbedmyphone
andquicklypunchedinmycodetocheckmymessages.MyheartfellasIsawnonewmessages.It
wasn’tashock,butjustanotherconfirmationthatIwasasadcase.ThiswasthefifthtimesinceI’dleft
TJ’shomethatIwascheckingmymessages,prayingandhopingforasignthatmaybe—justmaybe
—hecouldlovemeback.Buttherewasnothing.IcontinueddrivingtoNonno’shouseandIallowed
myselffivemoreminutestocrybeforeIwasgoingtohavetostop.Ididn’twanttoshowupto
Nonno’shousewitharednoseandswolleneyesfromallmytears.

IturnedontheradiotoseeifIcouldcheermyselfupwithsomenewmusic,whenAdele’snew

single,“Hello”,startedplaying.Isangalongandfeltthetearsstreamingonceagain.Iwasn’tsure
whyIallowedmyselftolistentosadsongs,whenIwassufferingfromheartache.Iknewitwasn’t
smart,butsomehowitmademefeelbetter.Itmademerememberthatotherpeoplehadgonethrough
heartacheaswellandstillendedupokayontheotherside.MystomachfeltemptyasIsangalongand
drove.Iwasn’tsurethatIwasgoingtofeelbetteroncethiswasallover.Iwasn’tsureitwassmartto

evenstayinthisrelationshipwithTJ.HowcouldIkeepgivingmyselftohim?Sleepingwithhim?
Lovinghim?KnowingthateverymomentwithhimmademelovehimmoreandmadehimfeellikeI
wasstillnothing.

Iturnedontotheinterstateandswitchedtheradiooff.Ineededtodrymyeyesandpretendtobe

happyformymeetingwithNonno.Italwaysmadehimupsettoseemehurting.

***

Nonnoopenedthefrontdoorandpulledmeintohisarms.“Mila,sogoodtoseeyou,micara.”

“Youtoo,Nonno.”Ikissedhischeek.“I’msorryIhaven’tcalledorseenyouinawhile.I’vejust

beenpreoccupiedwithTJandtheengagement.”

“Iunderstand.”Hesmiledatmegraciouslyaswewalkedintohishome.IsmiledasIsawthathe

hadanoldphotoalbumoutonthecouch,andIwalkedovertoit.

“LookingatphotosofNonna?”Iaskedhim,smilingathownostalgichewas.
“Everysingleday.”Henoddedandwalkedovertomeandwesatdowntogetheronthecouchand

lookedatthephotos.

“Shewassobeautiful,”IsaidasIpickedupaphotoofNonnathatmusthavebeentakenwhenshe

was18.Shewasscowlingatthecamera,herlongblackhairflyingbehindherasshestoodtherewith
abasketinherhands.IlaughedatthephotoandNonnotookitfrommeandhelditclosetohiseyes.

“Thisday,yourNonna,shewasmadatme.”Hechuckled.“Shewasmadbecauseshe’dseenme

talkingtoanothergirl.SowhenIcameuptothecamera,shetoldmetogetawayfromher.”

“OhNonno.”Ilookedathiminsurpriseandsmiled.“Wereyouflirtingwiththeothergirl?”
“Yes.”Helaughed.“Iwantedtomakeherjealous.”Helookedoveratmeandwinked.“She’dbeen

talkingtoAlberto,thebanker ’sson,thedaybeforeandIknewhehadintentionstogettoknowher
better.Ineededtomakesuresheknewthatshelikedme.”

“Andsoyouflirtedwithsomeoneelse?”Isaidandshookmyhead.
“Thegamesoflovehavebeenaroundforalongtime,mydear.”Helaughedandputthephoto

backinthealbumcarefully.WewentthroughthepagesandIstaredatalltheoldphotosofNonnoand
Nonnaasthey’dgottentogether.IstoppedhimfromturningthepageasIlookeddownandsawa
photoIdidn’trememberseeingbefore.ItwasaphotoofNonnoandNonnaandshewasstaringatthe
cameraandhewasstaringather.Eventhoughitwasonlyaphoto,itwaseasytoseetheloveand
devotioninhiseyesashegazedathertenderly.AndevenNonnawasgrinningintothecamerasoftly,
hereyeslookingbright.Therewasamagicinthephoto,anairoflove.Itwascleartoseeanditmade
meshiveratthepoweroftheshot.

“Thisisbeautiful,Nonno,”Isaidtohimandhetookthephotofrommeandheldittightly.
“Shewasbeautiful,”healmostwhisperedashesatback.“Mylove,myamore,”hesaidashe

staredatthephoto.“Thatday,thedaythisphotowastaken,thatwasthedaythatIknewyourNonna
andIwouldbetogetherforever,thatnothingwouldeverpartus.ThatwasthedayIstoppedworrying
thatshewouldmeetsomeoneelse.

“Oh?”Iaskedhim,myheartpounding.Iwasstartingtofeelemotional.IsattherewishingthatTJ

wouldfeelthatwayaboutmeandthatmademefeelguilty.Ididn’twanttoturneverysituationinto
onewhereIwasthinkingaboutTJ.

“YourNonnawrotemeapoem.Shereadittomerightbeforethatphotowastaken,”hesaidand

lookedatme,hiseyeslookingfarawayasherememberedthemoment.“ItwassounusualandI
hadn’texpectedit.IwastheromanticintherelationshipandeventhenIwasfarfromaRomeo.”He
smiledandthensighed.

“Doyourememberthepoem?”Iaskedsoftly.

“DoIremember?”Hechuckledagain.“Ithasbeenburnedintomybrainfordecades,”hesaidand

lookedbackdownatthephoto.“Itisoneofmyfondestmemories.”

“Tellme,”Isaidandreachedoverandgrabbedhishand.“Tellme,Nonno.”
“Okay.”Henoddedandthenheclearedhisthroat.Hewasabouttostarttalkingagainwhenhehad

acoughingfit.

“Nonno,areyouokay?”IaskedasIwatchedhimcoughing.Ifelthelplessandwasn’tsurewhatto

do.Iwasabouttostartpattinghimonthebackwhenhefinallystoppedcoughing.“Nonno?”Iasked
againasIsawspotsofbloodonthetissuehehadbeencoughinginto.

“I’mfine.”Heshookhisheadandfrowned.“Justabadcough.”Hetookasipofwaterandthen

lookedoveratmeandsmiled.“Stopworryingandstartlistening.”

“Iamlistening,”Isaidandlaughed.
“Thatmomentwhenyourheartskipsabeat.Whenallworriesturntojoy.Whenallfearsfade

away.Thatmomentwhenoureyesmeet.Andoursoulsreconnect.

Andthesilencesingsasong.That’sthemomentthatIremember.That’sthedancethatIlivefor.

That’sthejourneythatIprayfor.That’stheyouthatIdreamof.ThisisthemomentIwasmadefor.”
HestoppedandIlookedoverathim,andsawtearsrunningdownhisface.

“Oh,Nonno,”Isaidandreachedmyarmaroundhisshoulder.“I’msorry.”
“Don’tbesorry.”Heshookhisheadandgazedintomyeyes.“ShewasmytrueloveandImiss

her,butIwillseeheragain.”

“Oh,Nonno.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“Youbothhadsuchatruelove.”
“Thereisnothingelseinthisworldmorepreciousthantruelove,Mila.”Hiseyeswerebrightas

hegazedatme.“Thereisnothingworthlivingforifyoudon’thavelove.”

“Well,lifeitself,right?”Isaid,tryingtomakelightofthesituation.
“Lifeisfortheliving.”Henodded.“Andloveiswhatmakeslifegreat.”
“Yeah,Iguess,”IsaidasmyheartlurchedandIthoughtbacktoTJagain.“Someofusaren’tas

luckyasyouandNonna.Someofusdon’thavehappyendings.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout,Mila?”Hiseyesnarrowedashelookedatme.
“Nothing,”Isaidandshookmyhead,embarrassedtotellNonnoexactlywhatwasgoingonwith

me.

“Areyounothappy,myMila?”HestudiedmyfaceshrewdlyandIcouldfeelthetearsstartingto

buildup.Ididn’twanthimtoknowexactlywhatwasgoingon.Iknewthathehadtoknowthat
somethingwasn’tcompletelyright.Imean,TJhadessentiallyjustfallenintomypocketinamatterof
seconds.Reallifedidn’tworklikethat.

“I’mfine.”Itookadeepbreath.Ihadtobeabiggirl.IwasnotgoingtoletNonnoknowhow

patheticandsadIwas.

“Youwanttogodowntothebeach?”Nonnojumpedup,placingthephotoalbumnexttome.
“Thebeach?”Iasked,flummoxed.“That’srandom.”
“Let’sgotothebeachandtalk.”Helookedatmelovingly.“Webothcoulddowithsomefresh

air.”

“Oh.”Ilookedupathim.HeknewtherewassomethingIwasn’ttellinghim.“Areyousure?”
“Yes,micara.Youknowyoucan’tkeepsecretsfromyourNonno.”
“Iknow.”Isighedandstoodup.“Iloveyou,Nonno.”
“Iknow.”Hepulledmeintoahug.“Iloveyoumorethananything,Mila.You’remybeautiful

princessandallIwantisforyoutobehappyandtakencareof.”

“Iknow.”Irestedmyheadonhisshoulderandlookedupathim.“HowdidIgetsoluckyasto

haveyouasmyNonno?”

“You’reblessed.”Hekissedmyforeheadandgrinned,hiseyessparklingbeforehestarted

coughingagain.Hepulledbackandgrabbedhistissue,hisexpressionchangingtooneofafrown.

“Yousureyou’reokaytogoout,Nonno?”Iaskedhim,worried.“Soundslikeyouhaveabitofa

coldorsomething.”

“I’mfine,mydear.”Hewipedhismouth.“Letmegoandchangeintosomewarmerclothesand

thenwecanleave.”

“Okay.”Inoddedandwatchedashewalkedoutoftheroom.Ithengrabbedmyphonefrommy

pockettoseeifTJhadcalledortexted.Iwashopinghe’dhaveleftsomesortofmessagesaying
somethinglike,“Imadeamistake,Ireallydoloveyou,comehome,”butofcoursetherewasnothing
therewhenIchecked.MyheartsankasIputmyphonebackintomypocketandIsatbackonthe
couchandstaredatthephotosasIwaitedforNonnotogetready.

***

Thebeachwasdesolateaswewalkedalongthesand.Itwastoocoldforpeopletogointothewater
andtherewasonlyoneguyonthebeachwithusandhewaswalkinghisdog.Istaredatthedogasit
randownthebeachchasingabranchandIthoughttomyselfwhatalifethedoghadasitranbackand
forthtoitsowner,grinningwithhappiness.Howsimplelifemustbetoadog.WhatIwouldn’thave
giventohavethatsortofpeaceinmyheart.ItwouldmakemefeellikeIhadapurposeinlife,as
opposedtobeingaloserwhocouldonlyfocusonTJandhisnotlovingme.

“So,Mila,tellmewhat’sgoingon.”Nonnoturnedtomeaswewalkedtotheshoreline.“Tellme

what’sbotheringyou.”

“Oh,Nonno,Ifeellikeanidiot.”Imadeaface,tryingtosoundlighthearted.Iwantedtomakea

joke,butIfeltlikeIwasgoingtostartcrying.“I’mafool.Icouldbeaclownforakingoracourt
jesterorsomething.”

“Whydoyousaythat,Mila?”Nonnofrownedatme.
“BecauseI’maroyalfool.Thebiggestfoolontheplanet.”Itriedtosmileathim,buthedidn’t

smileback.InsteadIwatchedNonno’sexpressiongofromshrewdtosadandhesteppedforwardand
grabbedmyhands.

“You’renotafool,micara.Don’teversaythat.”
“Iam.”Isighed.Igulpedandlookeddown.
“Thentellme,whyareyouafool?”
“BecauseIreallythoughtthattherewasachancethatTJreallylovedme.Ireallythoughtthathe

couldbetheoneforme.”

“Youdon’tthinkhelovesyou?”Nonnosighed.“Andyoulovehim?”
“Ilovehimwithallofmyheart.”Iclosedmyeyesasmyheartfroze.“Youdon’tevenunderstand.

It’ssomethingIfeelinmysoul.It’ssomethingthatIcan’tstopthinkingabout.Justsayinghisname
makesmyheartjumpforjoy.”

“Iknowthefeeling.That’showIfeelaboutyourNonna.”Henodded.“That’struelove,Mila.”
“Howcanitbetrueloveifhedoesn’tloveme?”Isobbed.IknewNonnowasprobablyconfused

aboutwhyIwascryingandwhywewouldbeengagedifweweren’tinlove,butIknewhewassmart
enoughtoknowthatobviouslysomethingwasup.Youdidn’tgofromalifelongcrushtoan
engagementanddeeplovein2.5seconds.

“Mila,I’mgoingtoneedforyoutoexplaintomeexactlywhat’sgoingon.”Nonnograbbedmy

handsandturnedmetofacehim.“Idon’treallyunderstandwhatyou’resaying.”

“Idon’tevenunderstandwhatI’msayingsometimes.”Itookadeepbreath.“Andthat’snotthe

onlything,Nonno.Ihaveasecret.SomethingIdidyearsagothathedoesn’tknowabout.Andit’s

hauntingme.SometimesIthink,whatifhedoesfallinlovewithmeandthenhefindsoutwhatIdid?
Thenhe’llstoplovingme.”

“Mila,tellmewhat’sinyourheart.”Nonnocaressedmycheek.“Ineedyoutotellmeexactlywhat

you’rethinking.Ineedtoknowwhat’sinyourheart.What’sinyoursoul.Ican’thelpyouifyoudon’t
tellme.”

“Ijustdon’tknowwhattosay.Idon’tknowhowtoletyouknowwhathappened.Idon’twantyou

tobeashamedofme.Ifeelsoweak.”Isighed.

“Iwouldneverbeashamedofyou,micara.Youaremyheart.Youaremysoul.EverythingIdois

foryou.You’remyonlygranddaughterandyouareeverythingtome.YouknowthereisnothingI
wouldn’tdoforyou.AllIwantinthisworldisforyoutobehappyandtoneversuffer.Itpainsmeto
seeyousuffer.Itpainsmedeepinmyheart.Yourpainismypain.Idon’twanttoseeyoucry.Idon’t
wanttoseeanythinginyoureyesthatmakesmethinkyou’regoingthroughturmoil.Youknowthat,
right?”

“OhNonno,Iknow.Iknowhowmuchyouloveme.”Igavehimahalf-smile.“You’rethereason

I’msuchahopelessromantic.”Ilaughed.“Ifitwasn’tforallyourandNonna’sstories,Iwouldn’t
wanttobelievethattrueloveexisted.Iwouldn’tbesuchanidealist.”

“Sotellmewhatyou’rethinking.”
“SometimesIthinkhecouldloveme,”Isaid,myvoiceechoingallthehopeinmyheart.

“SometimeshelooksatmewithalightinhiseyesthatmakesmefeellikeI’mtheonlypersoninthe
world,butthen...”MyvoicetrailedoffasIlookedoutattheoceanandwatchedthewavescrashing
intotherocks,closetothepier.Ifelttoosadandtootiredtocontinue.Eventalkingaboutthesituation
hadtheabilitytomakemefeelemptyinside.

“Butthenwhat?”Nonnoaskedmesoftly,hishandonmyshoulderaswestoodthere.
“Butthen,IthinkI’veimaginedit,”Isaidsoftly.“Themomentdisappears.Thetendernessinhis

gaze,theliftinhislips,theknowinglookinhiseyes.Itjustfades.Andthenit’sasifI’mlookinginto
thesoulofastranger.”

“You’rebeingtoodramatic,Mila,”Nonnosaidandhesoundedweary,asifhewereattemptingto

takeontheburdeninmyheartandputitonhisshoulders.

“I’mnotbeingdramatic.”Iturnedtohim.“I’mbeingrealistic.I’mbeingsafe.Nonno,whenIlook

athim,myheartskipsabeatandmystomachjumps.Ifeelhappy.Ifeelexcited.Ifeellikemy
soulmateisonceagaininmyworld.It’slikeeverypartofmeknowsthatheismyotherhalf.And
everypartofmewantshimtoknowthatI’mhisotherhalftoo.Everypartofmeiscravingforthe
momenthewillsuddenlyrealizewhoIamtohim.”

“Maybehedoesknow,”Nonnosaidsoftly.“Youcan’trushthesethings.Maybehe’sscared.You

knowhehadahardlifewithhisdadafterwhathappenedtohismom.”

“Iknowhisdadiscold.Iknowhismomdiedwhenhewasyoung.Henevertalksaboutit.Imean,

canthatstillbeaffectinghim?”

“Mila,ofcoursethatwouldstillbeaffectinghim.He’shuman.Hewasyoungwhenhismomdied,

rememberthat.Stillakid.Thesethingshaveawayofstayingwithyouforalong,longtime.TJ’sa
goodman.”

“Iknowhe’sagoodman.”Isighedandbitdownonmylowerlip.“Iknowthere’ssomething

insideofhimthat’sbroken.SometimesIcanseeitinhiseyes.SometimeswhenIlookathim,there’s
asadnessthere,asadnessthatmakesmejustwanttoreachoutandholdhim.Sometimeshelooksat
melikehehassomethinghewantstosay,somethingdeep,andwejuststareateachotherandIwaitto
seewhathe’sgoingtosay,butthenit’slikehisbrainshutsdownandhemakesajoke.”

“That’sapreservationmechanism.He’sprobablynotcomfortablewithexpressinghisfeelings.

Hedidn’tgrowupwithafamilylikeyours,Mila.Youhavetogivehimtime.Reachhiminwaysthat

don’tmakehimfeeluncomfortable.”

“Ijustwanttoknowthathefeelssomething.Ijustwanttoknowthatheknowsthatwhatwehaveis

special.IwanthimtojustgivemeoneiotaofwhatI’mgivinghim.Ijustwanthimtofeelanounceof
theloveformethatIfeelforhim.Iwanthimtoloveme.”

“Andhewill.”Nonnograbbedmyhands.“Iknowthesethingsarehard,Mila,andIknowthat

yourpatienceisrunningthin,buthewillcomearound.”

“Notwhenhefindsout.”MyvoicewassosoftthatIwasn’tevensurethatNonnocouldhearme.

“NotwhenhefindsoutwhatIdid.Hemayneverforgivemethen.Somesecretsarejusttoomuchto
overcome.”MyvoicebrokethenandIfelltomykneesasIwatchedthesunsetting,signalingtome
thatanotherdayhadpassedwithoutmerevealingthetruth.Anotherdayhadpassedandmyheartwas
stillinturmoil.IfeltlikeIwasonthedownwardspiralofsomehorriblerollercoasterride.Nothing
wasgoingmywayandwhileIjustwantedtogetofftheride,Iwantedsomethingepictohappen.I
neededtofeeltheexhilarationoftheanticipationofwhatwasgoingtohappennext,butitwasjustso
hard.Toohard.

“Whatdidyoudo,Mila?”NonnocameupfrombehindmeandIstilled,ashamedtoadmitthelies

thathadsprungfrommymouth.IknewthatNonnowouldbedisappointedinme,asIwas
disappointedinmyself.

“It’shardtoadmit.”Isighed.“Iwassoimmature,sojealous,butIdidn’treallyknowwhatIwas

doingatthetime.”

“Whatdidyoudo,Mila?”
“WhenCodyandTJwereincollege,SallyandIwentupforaweekendtostaywiththeminthe

apartmenttheyweresharing.IthinkitwastheirsenioryearandMomandDadtrustedthemenoughto
showusaroundthecampus.Soanyway,itwasaSaturdaynightandtheyleftusintheapartment
becausetheywantedtogotoafratparty.Theysaidwecouldjustwatchamovie,whichiswhatwe
did.Itwasabouttenp.m,Sallywasonthephonewithsomepizzadeliveryplaceandtherewasa
knockonthedoor.”Itookadeepbreath,myfacegoingredasIrememberedthatnightvividlyandI
couldfeelmyselfheatingupinshame.

“Continue,”Nonnosaid,hiseyesnotleavingmyface.
“Sotherewasaknockonthedoorandtherewasthisgirlstandingthere.”Ispokeslowly,

rememberingthelookonherface.She’dbeenworriedandscared,herfacepaleasshestoodthere
awkwardly.I’dknownrightawaythatsomethingwaswrong—callitfemaleintuitionorsomething.I
lookedatNonnothenandmadeaface,wantingtocry,butIknewthatI’dmadethismessbymyself.

“Goon,micara.”
“SheaskedforTJ.”Ichewedonmylowerlip.“Iaskedherwhy.ShestartedtocrysoItoldherto

comein.”Itookadeepbreath.“Nonno,shetoldmeshewaspregnant.Shetoldmethatshetherewasa
possibilitythatTJwasthedadandthatsheneededtotalktohim.Sheaskedhimifshecouldwaitfor
him.”

“Okay.”Nonnopursedhislipsandstaredatme,hisexpressionnotchanging.
“IaskedherhowsureshewasthatTJwasthefather.Iaskedherwhatshewanted.ItoldherthatTJ

andIwereinaseriousrelationship.ItoldherthatIwasn’tsurewecouldhandlethefactthatshemight
behavinghisbaby.”

“OhMila.”
“AndthenItoldhertoleave.”Tearsfilledmyeyes.“Itoldhershecouldn’twaitforTJ.Idon’t

knowwhyIdidthat,Nonno.Iwassoashamedofmyself.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.Iwasso
jealous,Iwasn’tthinkingproperly.Andshejustleft.Shedidn’tevensayanything.Shewasn’tevena
badperson.Shewasn’toneofthosebitchymoney-grubbinggirlsthatIhate.Shewasn’tsuper
beautifulorsluttyoranything.TherewasnothingaboutherthatwouldmakemethinkthatIneededto

protectTJ.Nothingpredator-ishabouther.Imean,shewasevenhonestthatTJmightnotevenbethe
father.”

“Soshejustleft?”
“Yes.”Inodded.
“AndI’massumingyounevertoldTJ.”
“Nope.”Ishookmyhead.“Whenhegothomethatnight,Iwasstilltooembarrassed,andselfishly

Iwashopingthathe’dnoticeme,tellmehewantedtobewithmeorsomething.”

“OhMila.”Nonnosighed.
“Iknow,”Isaid.“Andthenthenextday,Iwassoembarrassedandashamedofmyself.Ididn’t

knowhowtobringitup.Imean,Itriedseveraltimes,butitjustdidn’tseemright.Therewasnevera
perfectmoment.Ididn’twanthimtothinkbadlyofme,Nonno.Andthen,wellthenIfiguredthegirl
wouldmostprobablycontactTJandlethimknow.ThenextfewweeksIwaitedforTJtocontactme
allangryandtellmehowpissedhewasatmefortalkingtothegirlandsendingheraway.Buthe
neverdid.AndthenIforgotit.ItriedtotellmyselfthatitwaslikelythatTJwasn’tthefatherandthat
thegirlhadfiguredoutwhoitwas.”Irubbedmyeyes.“Butwhoknows,maybeshewasjusttryingto
helpmeandmyfakerelationship.”

“Youneedtotellhim,Mila.Nothingcancontinue,goodorbad,ifyou’renothonestwithhim.”
“I’mscaredtotellhim.”Myeyeswidened.
“Youcan’tliveyourlifebeingscared,Mila.Youhavetotakechances,youhavetograbthebull

bythehornandgoforit.”

“I’mscaredthebullisgoingtobuckandrearandI’mgoingtofalloffandgetbruised.”
“That’stheriskyoutakeinlifeandlove,Mila.”
“Ijustfeellikethissecretissobigthateveniftherewasapossibilityofhimlovingmethatit

wouldallfadeawaynow.Whocanforgivesomeoneforsomethinglikethat?”

“Everyonehasasecret,Mila.”
“Butareallsecretsforgivable?”Isighed.“Imean,Ithinkapartofhimcouldreallyloveme.Ijust

feelitinmysoul.ButIdon’twanttopushforit,whenthisisstillhangingoverme.Ineedtoknow
thatifhedoesfallinlovewithme,it’sforeverythingthatheknowsaboutme;goodandbad.”

“Justasyoulovehimforeverythingyoudoanddon’tknow,right?”Nonnosaid.“Goodandbad.”
“ThereisnobadinTJ.”Isighed.“He’sperfect.”
“Noone’sperfect,Mila.Weallhaveoursecrets.Rememberthat.”
“Youdon’thaveanysecrets,Nonno.You’reperfecttoo.”
“EvenIhavesecrets,Mila.”Hetouchedthetopofmyhead.“EvenIhavesecrets,butthatdoesn’t

meanthatIloveyouanyless.”

ChapterNine

TJ

TenYearsAgo

Ithadbeentenyearssincemymother'sdeathandIwasleavingforcollegethenextday.IfiguredI
mightaswellaskmydadwhathadhappenedthatnight.Iwantedtoknow.Iwantedtounderstand.I
wantedtosomehowreachthepartsofmethathadbeenlockedoffmywholelife.Ididn'tlikebeing
thecold,uncaringguy.Iwasn'tthatguy.Ihadsomanyfeelingsinside,butIdidn'tknowhowto
expressthemorgetthemout.Ididn'tknowhowtobeopen.AndtheolderIgotthemore
uncomfortableIwasaboutloveandrelationshipsandgettingtooclose.I'ddatedsomegirlsthathad
balledtheireyesoutwhenwe'dbrokenup.They'dcriedandtoldmetheyhatedmeandlovedmeand
wantedtodieanditscaredme.Ididn'twanttomakeanyonefeelliketheyweren'tenoughjustbecause
theyweren'twhatIwanted.Imean,ifIwashonestwithmyselfIdidn'twanttogetemotionally
involved,period.ThatwasnotwhoIwasorwhoIwouldeverbe.I'dneverbeeninlove.Nevereven
thoughtIwasclose,andwasgladforit.Ididn'twantthatpoweroveranyoneandIdidn'twantanyone
tohaveanypoweroverme.

"Dude,whatareyoudoing?"Codyhitmeintheshoulder."Let'sgo."
"Holdon,Ineedtoaskmydadsomethingfirst."
"Hurryup.Theguysarewaiting."Codyfrownedandlookedathiswatch.Iknewhedidn'tcare

aboutthewaitingguysasmuchashecaredthatLisa,theheadcheerleader,wasintohimandalso
waitingatthebowlingalleyforus.

“Dude,chill.I’llbebacktotalkinafewminutes,”Isaidandlefthiminmybedroomandheaded

towardsmydad’sstudy.Iknockedonthedoorandwaitedforhimtoletmecomein.

“Dad,”IsaidasIopenedthedoorandwalkedin.Hewassittingathistable,drinkingaglassof

whatIsupposedwaswhiskeyorginandstaringatacontract.

“What’sgoingon,TJ?”Helookedupatmeandthenbackdownatthecontract.
“Canwetalk?”IaskedhimasIwalkedovertothedesk.
“I’mgoingoveracontract.”Hefrowned.“Canwetalklater?”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Iwanttotalknow.”
“I’mreallyquitebusy.”Hetookasipofthewarmbrownliquidinhiscrystalglass.
“Thiswon’ttakelong,”Isaidandplacedmyfistsonthetableinfrontofhimandleanedintohis

face.“Iwanttotalknow.”

“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”Heputhisglassbackonthetableandthengazedatme,hisface

voidofexpression.

“IwanttoknowaboutthedayMomdied,”Isaidandwaitedforhimtoreact,thoughhedidn’t

evenblink.

“Okay.”Heshrugged.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Whathappenedthatday?Whywasshesoupset?Whydidshetakethosepills?”
“Yourmotherhadissues.Sufferedfromdepression.Whoknowswhyshedidwhatshedid.”
“That’snotagoodanswer,Dad.”MyeyesnarrowedandIlookedathimcoldly.“Whydidshehate

you?Whywasshecrying?Whydidn’tyouseemtocarewhenshedied?”

“Ilovedyourmother,TJ.”Heleanedbackandpickeduphisglassagainslowlyandtookalong

sip.“Shehadherissues.Igottiredofhavingtodealwiththem.Ireferredhertoshrinks.Shewason
medication.IdideverythingIcoulddo,butshedidn’tgetbetter.That’snotmyfault.”

“Whatissuesdidshehave?”Ibangedthetable.“Givemesomething,goddammit.Ineed

somethingconcrete.”

“Yourmotherwasmentallyimbalanced.”Heshruggedagain.“Maybeshejusthadafewscrews

loose.Youshouldbegladyoudon’thavethatsameissue.”

“Don’tsaythat.”Istoodtall.“You’reanuncaring,unfeelingasshole.Youdrovehertothat,didn’t

you?”

“Drovehertowhat?”Myfathersighedandleanedforwardagain.“Whyareyousoemotional,

TJ?That’satraityougetfromher.Youcan’tletemotionsscrewwithyourheadinbusiness.
Emotionsmakeeverythinggrey.Youneedtodealwiththeblackandwhite.Youdon’tthinkyour
mother ’sdeathhurtme?Youdon’tthinkIwonderedeverysingledaywhatIcouldhavedonetomake
itsoshedidn’tkillherself?Youdon’tthinkIwouldhavedoneanythingIcouldhavetohavestopped
it?Butshewasn’trational.Shewasalwaysinherhead.Overthinkingthings.Overthinkinglife.
OverthinkingeverythingIsaidanddid.EverylittlethingIsaid.EverywhereIwent.Shehadissues.
ShewantedtoknowwhereIwasatalltimes.WhoIwastalkingto.Shewasjealous.Shewas
emotional.Shelovedmetoomuch.Shelovedwithherheadintheclouds.Allshethoughtaboutwas
loveandme.Iwasherlife.Itwastoomuch.Ihadabusinesstorun.Icouldn’tbeherlife.Icouldn’tbe
herreasonforbeing.Shelivedforme.Ilivedtomakemoney.Itwasn’tagoodmatch.Ididn’trealize
thatatfirst.Notuntilitwastoolate.Icouldn’tdealwithit.Icouldn’tdealwithher.Ihadotherwomen,
yes,andthatkilledher.”

“Soyoucheatedonher?”
“Itwasn’tpersonal.”Heshrugged.“Istilllovedher.Iwasstillmarriedtoher.Shewasmywife.

Shewasthemotherofmychild.Ibuiltthisempireforyou.Andforher.Shehaditall.”

“Shehaditall,butyourlove.”
“Son,I’mgoingtogiveyousomeadvicetodaythatIwisheveryonegavetheirchild.Loveisa

construct.Loveissomethingthatpeopleputintheirheadstomakethemselvesfeelbetterabouttheir
lives.Liveyourlifewithoutlove;itwillmakeyoufeelalotbetter.Itwillmakeyouaman.You’ll
appreciateeverythingthatmuchmore.Trustme.Don’tbotherwithlove.Don’tfallinloveanddon’t
letanyonefallinlovewithyou.It’sforthebest.Alllovedoesisruinlives.Eitheryourlifeor
another.Ifthere’sonethingyouevertakefromme,itshouldbethat.Don’teverletloveruinyourlife
orsomeoneelse’s.That’swhatkilledyourmother.Love.Loveruinseverything.

“That’sallyouhavetosay?”IstaredathimforafewsecondsandIwatchedashetookanother

sipofhisginandlookedbackathiscontract.Istoodupslowlyandwalkedoutoftheoffice.“I’m
ready,”IsaidtoCodyasIwalkedbackintomybedroom.

“Finally,”hesaidandjumpedupwithagrin.
“Yeah,finally,”Isaidandgavehimasmallsmile,myheartfeelingworsethaniteverhadbefore.

PresentDay

There'sthisdreamthatIhave.ThisdreamofonedaybeingabletosayexactlywhatI'mthinking,

exactlywhatI'mfeeling,exactlywhatI'mwanting.There'saburninghopeinsideofmethatoneday
thewordswillcomeeasier,thefearwillbelessintense,andthedeepyearningwillnotfeellikeit's
attachedtomyveryessence.Iwanttotellheronething.IwanttotellherIloveher.Iwanttotellher
thatIthinkofhereverymorningandnight.IwanttotellherthatIcan'tgetheroutofmymind.Ican't
sleep.Ican'tstoptheracingofmyheartwhenshesmilesatme.Ican'tstopmyselffromsmilingin
response.Iwishhereverysmilewereforme.Iwanttocapturetheminajarandreleasethemevery
timeIfeeldown.IwanthertoknowthatshemakesmefeelthingsIdon'tknowthatIwanttofeel.I'm
notsurehowtotellherI'mnotgoodenough.Idon'tknowhowtotellherthatIdon'tknowthatmy

loveisenough.Idon'tknowhowtotellherthatwitheverybeatofherheartIfeellifeinsideofme.I
don'tknowhowtotellhershe'smysoulmate.SoIdon't.Ijustwatchherandwait.Waittoseewhat'll
happen.Waittoseeifshecanreadmymind.Waittoseeifthefeelingswillgo.Ihopethefeelingswill
go.Idon'tdolove.Notlikethis.NotwhenIfeellikeIcan'tbreathe.Sothisdream,thisdreamthat
keepsmeupatnight—it'sallIhave.It'sallIneed.Andeveryday,Ifeelmyselflosingherjustalittle
bitmore.AndeverydayIfeelmyselflovingherjustalittlebitmore.Ifshecouldreadmymind,
she'dknow.She'dknowthatshe'sitforme.Ijustdon'tknowifIcaneverbeitforher.

“Sowhat’sup?”IaskedCodyashesatinmyoffice.
“Youknowwhat’sup.”Heglaredatme.
“Notreally?Thesky?Thesun?Theclouds?”Iaskedhimandlookedatmywatchtoindicatethat

timewasrunningandIhadworktodo.

“ThisthingwithMila.Idon’treallyknowwhat’sgoingon,butIknowthatthere’ssomething

goingon.”Hestoodupandstartedpacing.“Whatgameareyouplaying,TJ?”

“YouknowIhavefeelingsforMila,”Isaidstiffly.
“Iknowthatthisengagementisn’treallyreal,”Codysaid,hisvoicegettingangrier.“Nonno

calledmelastnight.He’snotsureexactlywhat’sgoingon,buthe’sconcerned.Heaskedmetolook
outforMila.”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay,Cody.”Ishruggedandlookedawayfromhim.HowcouldIexplainto

himwhatwasgoingon?Icouldn’ttellhimthetruth.Iwonderedifthiswholethingwouldcostmethe
bestfriendI’deverhadaswell.

“Youneedtostopplayingwithherfeelings,TJ.”Cody’sfacewasangry.“Thisisn’tjustacrush

forMila.Shelovesyou.”

“Shedoesn’tknowwhatloveis.”IgritmyteethasIstaredathim.“Sheknowsthescore.”
“You’remybestfriend,dude,butIsweartoGod...”Cody’sfacegrewredderandIcouldseehis

fistswereclenched.

“What?”Istoodupandmovedclosertohim.“Youwanttohitme?”
“Yes.”Hescowledandlookedupintomyface.“Iwanttohityou.”Hetookastepbackandsighed.

“ButI’mnotahypocrite.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Ifrowned,asIrealizedthatnotonlywasheangryatme,buthe

wasangryathimselfaswell.

“Ihaven’texactlytreatedSallywell.”Heshrugged.“Maybewebothjustsuck.”
“AreyousayingIhaven’ttreatedMilawell?”Iasked,butIknewtheanswer.
“I’msayingyouhaven’ttreatedyourselforMilawell.”HiseyespiercedmineandIfeltmyheart

stop.ThiswasthefirsttimeCodyandIhadeverreallyhadaseriousconversationaboutrelationships.
“Ifyouloveher,you’renotdoingyourselfanyfavors.”

“YouknowIdon’tdolove.Youdon’tdoloveeither,”Isaidweakly,aweirdfeelingenteringmy

stomach.“It’sjustwhoweare.”

“Yeah,butwhatIdon’tknowiswhy.”Heshookhishead.“I’mtiredoffuckingaround.Iwant

somethingreal.”

“Well,youalwayshaveSally.”
“I’mnotfuckinggoodenoughforSally.”Hisfacetwisted.“Shedeservessomeonebetterthan

me.”

“Yeah,shedoes.”InoddedandthoughtofMila’sbestfriendandhowlongshehadpangedfor

Cody.IpicturedthelooksofdisappointmentandpainonherfaceeverytimeCodydidsomethingthat
hurther.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tbethemanshedeserves.”Ilookedintohiseyesseriously.
“Youcanbethatman.”

“AreyougoingtobethatmanforMila?”

“Idon’tknowifIcan.”Ishruggedandclosedmyeyes.Mythroatfeltconstrictedandmyheadfelt

heavyasIthoughtabouther.

“You’reafool.”Codyshookhisheadatme.“You’regoingtoloseherandyou’regoingtowake

uponeofthesedaysandyou’regoingtowonderwhathappened.”

“Thisengagementiscomplicated.”
“Whatrelationshipisn’tcomplicated?”
“Thisisn’tanormalrelationship.”
“TJ,you’remybestfriend.Itrustyou,man.Itrustyouwithmylife.Butthisismysister.IknowI

don’tknowwhat’sgoingonhere.Iknowthatyoudon’tseemtowanttotellme,butIgottaaskyou
this,whatyou’redoinghere,canyoupromisemethatyou’redoingitwithgoodintentions?”

“Yes.”Inodded.“Icanpromiseyouthat.”
“Okay.”HesighedandIcouldseehimthinking.“God,Ihopeyouknowwhatyou’redoing.”
“I’mnotsurethatIreallydo,”Isaidundermybreath,buthedidn’thearme.
“Iknowyou’rebusy,soI’mgoingtogonow,”Codysaid.“MaybeI’llgiveSallyacalltoseehow

she’sdoing.”

“Yousurethat’ssmart?”Iaskedhim.
“Areeitherofusdoingwhatwethinkissmart?”heaskedmewitharaisedeyebrowandIjust

staredathimashelefttheoffice.Hewasright.Iknewwithoutadoubtinmymindthatneitherofus
weredoingsomethingsmart.IletoutahugesighasIlookedatthepaperworkonmydesk.Mydad
hadleftacontractonmydeskthatwasgoingtocompletelychangethefaceofMila’sparents’
company;somethingtheywerevehementlyopposedto.However,becauseMilahada51%stakeinthe
company,thankstoNonno,shecouldmakeallfinaldecisions.WhichmeantthatIhadthatpower
now,legally,thankstothepaperswe’dsigned.Ijumpedup,grabbedthepapers,puttheminmy
briefcaseanddecidedtoleavetheoffice.Icouldn’tdothisnow.NotwhileIwasinthisinnerturmoil.
EventhoughIkneweventuallyIwasgoingtohavetogobehindMila’sback,hadinfactalreadygone
behindMila’sback,Ijustcouldn’tdothisnow.NotwhenIknewshe’dgonecryingtoNonnoabout
me.NotwhenCodywaswatchingmyeverymove.Everyonewasgoingtobeblindsidedandthere
wasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.Iwasn’treadyforthatmoveyet.IneededtogoandseeMila.Ineeded
toletherknowthatIwastryingmybest,andwhileIknewthatwouldneverbeenoughandwouldn’t
beenoughtostopthebetrayal,itwouldhavetodofornow.

***

IcalledMilaassoonasIgottomycar.“Hey,canyougetoutofworkearlytoday?”Isatinthe
driver ’sseat,mykeysontheignition,waiting,beforeIdroveoff.

“Notsure,why?”sheaskedcuriously.“Isthereanotherbusinessmeetingthatyouneedmeto

attend?”

“No.”Kinda.
“Ohokay?Anymoreinformationwouldbenice.”ShelaughedandIsmiledinresponse.
“Ithoughtwecoulddosomething.Justthetwoofus,”Isaidsoftly.“Letmeapologizefor

overreactingintherestaurantlastweek.”

“Youdon’thavetodothat,”shesaidsoftly.“Wealldothingsweregretsometimes.Ialready

forgiveyou.”

“Thankyou,”Isaid,myheartswelling.Milareallywastoogoodforme.“Butdoesthatmeanthat

youdon’twanttoplayhookywithmetoday?”

“Whatdoesplayinghookywithyoumeanexactly?”sheasked,teasingme,andIfeltmyloins

stirring.Sheknewmealltoowell.

“Itmeanswe’regoingtohavesomefun.”
“Uponaroofsortoffun?”shewhispered.
“Wouldthatbesobad?”Myheartthudded.
“No,”shesaidlightlyandmyheartsoared.
“Soplayhookywithme?”
“Shouldn’tyoubeworking,TJ?”Shegiggled.“IknowIshouldbeworking.Stuffaroundhere

isn’tgood.”Shesighed.“I’mworried.”

“Why?”Iaskedsoftly,thoughIalreadyknewherfamilybusinesswasintrouble.
“MyparentsarearguingallthetimeandIknowwe’velostalotofrevenue.”Shespokequietly.

“I’mnotsurewhat’sgoingtohappen.Ireallyshouldn’tleaveearly.”

“Wecantalkabout,itifyouwant,”Isaid,myheartgoingoutforher.“Andareyoureally

workinghardrightnoworareyougoofingoffandtextingwithSally?”

“Weonlysentafewtexts.”Shegiggled.
“Afewhundred?”
“Somethinglikethat,”sheadmitted.“Okay,fine.Wherearewegoing?”
“It’sasurprise,”Isaidhappily.“Meetmeathomeinthirtyminutes.”
“Yes,sir,”shesaidandIknewshewasrollinghereyesatmybossytone.
“Goodgirl.”IchuckledandthenIhungupbeforeshecouldreply.

***

“Sowherearewegoing?”Milaaskedmeeagerlyasshesatinmyfrontseatandstretchedherarms
out.

“It’sasurprise.HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyouthat?”
“Untilyoutellmewherewe’regoing.”
“It’snotgoingtohappen,”Isaidandlookedoverather.“Howareyoufeeling?”Isaid,myvoice

quieterasIgazedather,tryingtofigureouthowshewasfeelinginside.Therewassomuchgoingon
betweenusandatherwork.Iknewherhappyexteriorwasjustafacade,especiallyconsideringwhat
CodyhadtoldmeabouthervisitwithNonno.IknewIwasgoingtohavetotalktoNonno.Hewas
boundtohavequestions.Iwasn’tsurewhatIwasgoingtosay.Everythingwasturningouttobeso
muchmorecomplicatedthanI’deverthoughtitwasgoingtobe.

“I’mokay.”Sheshruggedandgavemeasmallsmile.“Why?”
“Iknowyou’reupsetwithme,”Isaidhonestly.“Iknowthisisalotmorecomplicatedthanwe

boththoughtitwasgoingtobewhenwetalkedaboutthisfakeengagement.”

“It’sfine.”Hereyeslookedawayfrommine.“It’sfun,right?Imean,let’sjustconcentrateon

that.”

“Thisisn’taboutfun,”Isaidseriously.“Ihopeyouunderstandthat,Mila.”
“Ido.”Shenodded.“Let’sjustenjoytheday.Wedon’tneedtohaveaserioustalk.”Shelookedat

mewiththesweetestsmileI’deverseenandmyheartdroppedasIrealizedjusthowmuchshemeant
tome.

“Idon’twanttohurtyou,”Istartedandshereachedoverandgrabbedmyarm.
“TJ,it’sfine.We’refine.IspoketoNonnoyesterdayandI’mfeelingbetter.Wejustneedtobe

ourselvesandwhat’sgoingtohappenwillhappen.”

“Whatdoesthatmean?”Ifrowned.
“Itjustmeanswecan’tforceanything.”Hervoicesoundedwistful.“And,well,Idon’twannabe

thepersonwhotriestoforcesomethingthatisn’tthere.Idon’twanttobethatgirl.”

“Whatgirl?”Myhandsgrippedthesteeringwheel.

“Itdoesn’tmatter.”Shesighed.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“Mila,”IsaidsoftlyasIheadedontothehighway,“we’regoingtotalkaboutit.”
“Idon’twantto,”shesaid,almostpouting.
“Mila.”Iglancedather.“Talktome.Please.”
“Let’sjustsay,I’vespenttoomanyyearsthinkingwithfeelingsandemotionsandIdon’twantto

bethatpersonanymore.”Shelookedoutofthewindow.“I’vemademistakesinthepast.I’vesaid
things.Donethings.AndnowIlookbackandthink,whatwasthepoint?Whatdiditgetme?”

“Areyoutalkingaboutanotherguyagain?”Isaid,jealousystirringinthepitofmystomach.“Is

theresomeguyyouregretbeingwith?”

“It’snotthat.”ShesighedagainandIknewIwasbeingridiculous,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.“I

justdon’twanttobethegirlfloatingaroundwithherheadinthecloudsanymore.Idon’twanttobe
thegirlwho’sdreamingofrainbowsandbutterfliesonadaythat’sthunderstorming.”

“Whatgirldoyouwanttobe?”
“Iwanttobethegirlwhodancesintherain.Iwanttobethegirlwhojumpsinpuddles.Iwantto

bethegirlwhocanstareatthegrayskyandwatchthelightningandknowit’sokaytoappreciatethe
darkness.Idon’twanttobethegirlwhocanonlysurviveinthesunshine.Life’snotallsunshine.I
don’twanttopretendthatitisanymore.”

“Iwantyourlifetobeallsunshine,”IsaidbeforeIcouldstopmyself.
“Iknowyoudo.”Shenodded.“Youcareforme.Iknowthat.”
“But?”Isaid,glancingather.
“Butnothing.”Sherubbedthetemplesonherforehead.“Whenyouliveintheclouds,sometimes

youjusthavetocomebacktoeartheveryonceinawhile.”

“Isee,”Isaidandmystomachsank.Whatwasshesaying?Didshenolongerloveme?Didsheno

longerwanttobewithme?DidshenolongercarewhatIthought?Wasshegivinguponme?As
muchasthatshouldhavemademefeelbetter,itdidn’t.Itfeltlikeadaggerthroughmygut.

“Let’sjustenjoyourdaytogether,”shesaidsimply.“Let’senjoyourfourweekstogetherandthen

whenit’soverwecangobacktobeingfriends.Maybewe’llevenbebestfriendsnow.”

“That’swhatyouwant?”Isaid,mystomachtightening.“Tobebestfriends?”
“Sure.You’reagreatguy.Ithinkmaybewe’vebeendestinedtobebestfriends.”
“EventhoughyouhaveSallyandIhaveCody?”
“They’restillourbestfriends,butwehaveanotherkindofbestfriendship,”shesaidandthen

sighed.“YouknowwhatImean?Maybewe’resoulmates,butonadifferentlevel.”

“Yeah,maybe,”Isaidandthenturnedtheradioon.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Ididn’tknowifshe

wassayingthisstuffbecauseshereallybelieveditorbecauseI’dbrokenher.Maybeshedidn’twant
towastehertimelovingsomeonewhocouldn’tloveherback.Shedidn’tsayanythingelseafterthat
andneitherdidI.Iwasn’treallysurewhattosay.ShealreadyknewwhatIthoughtaboutsoulmates
andonetruelove.Ididn’tbelieveinit.Andsheknewthat.Ithoughtthereweremultiplepeopleout
thereforeveryone.Youjusthadtomakeitwork,ifaseriousrelationshipwassomethingthatyou
reallywanted.Iknewshehatedthat.Iknewshewantedtobelieveinafairytale.Ididn’tthinkitwas
safeorhealthy.Ithinkitsetpeopleupfordevastationanddespair.Howcouldthereonlybeone
person?Howcouldonepersonmeansomuchtooneperson?Itwasn’tgood.Whatifitdidn’twork
out?Whatifonepersonfelloutoflove?Itwouldbetoohard.Someonemightnotbeabletotakeit.
Someonemightkillthemselves.No,itwasunrealisticandtooscaryaprospecttothinkthattherewas
onlyonetrueloveforeveryone.Though,thatdidn’tstopaninnerhopeinmethatshethoughtIwas
herone.InearlyslammedonthebrakesasIrealizedthat.IwantedMilatothinkIwashersoulmate.I
wantedhertothinkIwasherone.EventhoughIdidn’tbelieveinitmyself.Iknewitwasselfishof

me.IknewIcouldneverbethatmaninherlife,yetIcouldn’tmakethatfeelinggoaway.Iwasa
horrible,selfishperson.Anabsolutelyhorribleperson.

“We’rehere,”Isaidaswepulledupoutsidethestables.
“We’regoingriding?”Shelookedsurprisedassheundidherseatbelt.“Thatwasn’twhatI

expected.”

“Whatwereyouexpecting?”Igrinnedather.
“Aw,you’llneverknow.”Shewinkedatmeandjumpedoutofthecarandslammedthedoor.I

jumpedoutandlockedthedoorsandhurriedovertoher.

“Tellme.”Igrinned,wonderingexactlywhatshethoughtwe’dbedoingandwhere.
“Nope.”Shegrinnedbackatme.
“Comeon,maybeyou’llgivemeagoodidea.”
“Maybeyoudon’tneedanymoregoodideas.”Shelaughed.“NowtakemeridingorIwillpout.”
“Idon’twantyoupouting.”Igrabbedherhand.“Comeon,then.”AndIguidedhertowardsthe

office,whereIknewtheywerewaitingformewithtwochestnutmares.

“Sohowcomeyoutooktodayoff?”Milaaskedmeaswewalkedtowardsthestables.“Ithought

youwereadedicatedemployee?”

“Sometimesweallneedabreak,right?”Iansweredcasually,ignoringthefeelinginmygutthat

toldmetotellherexactlywhatwasgoingon.

“Youcansaythatagain.”Shesighedloudly.“Ijustdon’tknowwhat’sgoingtohappen.We’re

bleedingmoney.NothingisgoingrightandMomandDadcan’tagreeonthenextstepandtheydon’t
wanttogotoNonnoforadvice.”

“Whynot?”Iaskedhesitantly.“Heranthebusinesssuccessfullyforyears,sowhywouldn’tthey

askhimforhisadvice?”

“Iguessmaybepride?Orthey’reashamed.Like,IthinkNonnoknowstheeconomyisbadright

now,butIdon’tknowifheknowsjusthowbadlywe’redoing.”Shechewedonherlowerlip.“I
wantedtomentionittohim,butIthoughtitwouldbetoomuch.”

“Whywoulditbetoomuch?”Iaskedher,studyingthesideofherfaceassheplayedwithherhair.
“Well,Ididn’twanttoinundatehimwithallmyproblems.”
“Allyourproblems?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Howmanydoyouhave?”
“Afew.”Shelaughed.“Justafew.”
“AmIoneoftheproblems?”Iaskeddumbly,knowingtheansweralready.
“Couldyoueverbeaproblem,TJ?”sheteasedmeandIlaughed.
“Nope,never.Icouldneverbeaproblem.”Ilaughedaswellandweenteredtheoffice.Therewas

ayounggirlsittingbehindthedeskwhowaswearingaridinghatandIwalkedovertoher.“Hi,I’m
TJWalker.Ibookedtwohorsesforanafternoonride.”

“Oh,hi,Mr.Walker.”Shejumpedupandgrinned.“Wegotthetwomaresreadyforyou.We’lljust

getyousomehatsandcrops.Youguyshavebeenridingbefore,right?”

“Yup.”InoddedandlookedoveratMila,whowasgrinninginexcitement.“Youlookhappy.”
“Iloveriding.”Shenoddedatme,butofcourseIalreadyknewthat.ThatwaswhyI’dplannedthe

afternoonadventure.“Thisissocool.Thankyou.”

“No,thankyousneeded.Iwantedustohaveagoodtime.Timeforjustus.Thatisn’taboutwork,

ortheagreement.”

“Ormegoingonandonaboutlove.”Shelaughedandthenblushed.
“Let’sjusthaveagoodafternoon.”Ireachedoverandsqueezedherhandandshenodded.Iwasn’t

surewhatIwasdoing.Apartofmefeltguilty,likeIwasleadingMilaon,inaway.Iwantedtomake
itcleartoherthatthiswasnevergoingtoresultinthetruelovethatshewanted,butIwastooselfish

tojustlethergocompletely.IfIwasagoodguy,I’dstopsleepingwithherandI’djusttreatherasa
friend,butIguessIwasn’tagoodguy.IcravedherandIwasn’tabouttostopmyaddictionjustyet.

“I’mdownforthat.”Shenoddedandhereyesglazedoverforafewseconds,beforeshestarted

smilingagain.“Let’sgogallop.”

“I’mdownforthat.”Iwinkedatherandsheburstoutlaughing.
“You’reincorrigible,TJ.Iswear,youreallyare.”
“That’swhattheyallsay,”Isaidandshestuckhertongueoutatme.Igrabbedheraroundthewaist

andthenpulledhertowardsmeandgaveherabigkiss.“Butyou’retheonlyoneIcareaboutthatsays
ittome,”IwhisperedagainstherlipsandIwatchedashereyeslituphappily.

***

“I’moutofbreath,”Milasaidaswegotoffofthehorsestotakeabreakfromriding.“Thisisareally
beautifulsetting,”shesaidasshelookedaroundthelushgreenfield.“Ican’tbelieveI’veneverbeen
herebefore.”

“Iknow.Ican’tbelieveyou’veneverbeenherebeforeeither.”Ismiledatherasshebentdownto

smellsomewildflowers.

"Thishasbeenreallyfun,"Milasaid,hereyesbrightandherfaceflushedasshelookedupatme.

"Shouldweheadbacktothestablesnow?It'sgoingtobedarksoon."

"No,Ithinkwe'llbeokay,"Isaidandgrabbedthebagthegirlhadgivenmebeforewerodeoff.

"We'llletthehorsesroamforabitwhilewesit."

"Sit?"sheaskedme,surprised.
"We'llsitandeat."
"Whatareweeating?"ShelookeddownattheflowersagainandthenatmeandIlaughed.
“No,Mila.Ihaveapicnic.”
“Youhaveapicnic?”Shelookedatmewithashockedexpression.“Where?”
“Inmypants.”
“TJ!”
“I’mjoking.”Iwinkedatherandopenedthebagthatthegirlhadgivenme.“Let’ssit.”Isatdown

onthegrassandMilasatdownnexttome.Itookouttwoturkeyclubsandwiches,abagofchips,
somechocolatechipcookiesandgrapes.“I’mafraidIdon’thaveanywineorchampagne,butIdo
haveplentyofwater.”

“Wow,thisisamazing.Andsothoughtful.”Shelookedatmewithacuriousexpression.“Ihaveto

admitI’msurprised.”

“Why?Youdidn’tthinkIcouldberomantic?”
“I—Idon’treallyknow.”Sheshrugged.“I’mtouchedyoudidthisforme.”
“I’maniceguy,underneathitall.”Ismiledatherandhandedherasandwich.“Iknowthatmight

behardtobelieve,butIamaniceguy.”

“Ineverthoughtyouwereabadguy.”
“That’sgood.”Iopenedthebagofchipsandthenpassedittoher.“Saltandvinegar,Ihopethat’s

okay.”

“YouknowIlovesaltandvinegar.”Shegrinnedandgrabbedahandful.“You’rejustbeingmodest

now.”

“Whome?”Ilaughedandwatchedassheeagerlyatesomechips.
“Yes,you.”ShetookabiteofhersandwichandIjustwatchedhereatingaswesatthere.“Aren’t

youhungry?”Shemadeafaceatmeasshechewed.“You’rejuststaringatmeweirdly.”

“That’sbecauseyouhaveaweirdface.”

“Youhaveaweirdface.”Sheglaredatme.
“Notasweirdasyours.”Iwiggledmyeyebrowsather.“AreyoufromMars?”
“No,I’mfromUranus.”Shegiggled.
“You’refrommyanus?”Iteasedher.“Nicetomeetyou,partofmybody.”
“You’resogross,TJWalker.”SheleanedoverandhitmeintheshoulderandIgrabbedherarm

andpulleditupsoIcouldtickleher.“TJ.”Shesquealed.“Stop,stop.”

“Stoporwhat?”IlaughedasIpinnedherdowntotheground.Hereyesweredancingasshe

pushedagainstme.

“I’llkickyouinthenuts.”Shegiggledasshewiggledagainstme.
“I’dliketoseeyoutry.”Iwinkedather,andleanedmychestdownonherlightly.“Idon’tthink

you’ddoit,”IsaidasIkissedherlightly.

“Ohreally?”shesaidbreathlessly,kissingmebacklightly.
“Really,”IsaidasIkissedthesideofherfaceandranmyhandsthroughherhair.Shereachedup

andranherhandsdownmybackandIletmychestcrushagainstherbreasts.Werolledoverontoour
sidesandourlegsentwinedtogether.

“Really,”shesaid,hereyesflutteringopenasshepulledbackslightly.“Icandoitnowandprove

ittoyou.”

“Dowhat?”Igrowledatherasmyhandcrawleduptoherbreastandsqueezed.
“Youknowwhat.”ShemoanedasIpinchedhernipplelightlyandIcouldfeelhernailsdigging

intomyarms.

“Youcandothat,butifyoudo,Iwon’tbeabletodothis,”Isaidandpushedmyhardnessintoher

belly.IcouldfeelherbodyshakingasIheldherandIslippedmyotherhandunderhertopandunder
herbra.

“TJ,don’t.”Shetriedtopushmyhandaway.“Someonemightsee.”
“Who?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Thehorses?”Ileanedoverandsuckedonherneck.“Idon’t

thinktheycare.”

“Oh,TJ,”shemoanedandIfeltherhandreachingdowntomyhardnessandsqueezing.Igrinned

asIfeltherpressingherbreastagainstthepalmofmyhand.

“Yes,dearMila?”IaskedasIpulledhertopoffandthenundidherbra.
“Don’tstop,”shewhisperedasIbentdownandtookhernippleinmymouth.“Justdon’tstop.”

ShepurredasInibbledonherbreastlightlyandIgrowledagainstherwhileIfeltmyselfgrowing
evenharder.

ChapterTen

Mila

“Soyouguyshadfunhorseriding,huh?”Sallyaskedwithnarrowedeyesasshegazedatme.

“Yes,hejustwantedtosurprisemeandcleartheair,”IsaidasIlookedaroundTJ’sapartmentto

makesureitwascleanandpresentableforourfirstdinnerparty.“Itwasamazing.”

“Cleartheair?”Sallycockedherhead.“Youmeanbecauseyou’reinlovewithhimandhe’san

ass?”

“No.”Ishookmyheadatherandsighed.“It’sbeenintensebetweenusandmaybeI’vebeen

pushingittoomuch.TJnevermadeanypromisestome.Ilikehim.Helikesme.We’rehavingfun
andI’mhelpinghimwithabusinessdeal.That’sit.”

“You’rehavingkinkysexwithhimandyoulovehim.That’sjustalittlebitmorecomplicatedthan

whatyoujustsaid.”Sallyputherhandsonherhipsandherlipsthinned.“Idon’twantyoutogethurt.”

“I’mfine.”
“You’renotfine.”Shesighed.“Webothknowthat.Butyou’retellingyourselfyou’refinebecause

youwanttobewithhim.”

“Sally,nottonight,please.”
“Fine.”Sheshrugged.“Nottonight.Tonightwewillhavefun,butit’ssomethingyouneedtothink

aboutseriously.Themoreyougiveofyourself,themoreit’sgoingtohurtattheend.”

“Soyou’renotevenpretendingthatyouthinkthere’sgoingtobeagoodendingformenow?”
“WhatdoIknow?”Shesighedagainandgavemeaweaksmile.“I’mjustworriedforyou.You

knowwhattheysayaboutguys.Takethemattheirword.Ifhesayshedoesn’tloveyouandhedoesn’t
wantaseriousrelationship,well,that’swhathemeans.”

“Yeah,”Isaidandlookedawayfromher,myheartpoundingandmyheadstartingtofeelsad

again.

“Ignoreme.”Shegrabbedmyhandsandgavemeahugesmile.“I’mjustbitterbecauseCody

doesn’thavethetimeofdayforme.”

“Didn’thecallyoulastweek?”
“Yeah,itwasjustsomerandomcalltotalkaboutyou.”Shemadeaface.“Itwasn’ttoaskmeona

dateoranything.”

“Aw,he’strying,though.”Igaveheraweaksmile,butreallydidn’tknowwhatelsetosay.Why

wasCodycallingher?Anddidheknowthedepthofherfeelingsforhim?IknewthatTJknewI
lovedhim,butIdidn’tknowifheknewjusthowdeeplyIlovedandadoredhim.Itwasan
embarrassingandscarythoughtthinkingheknewjusthowmuchIwantedhim.

“HowdoIlook?”Sallyspunaroundinhercute,shortblack-and-whitedress,andIgrinnedather

asshechangedthesubject.

“Youlookabsolutelygorgeousandyouknowthat.”
“Idolookprettyhot.”Shegiggledassheflickedherhairbehindhershouldersandsmiledatme,

herbrightredlipsglisteningonherglowingface.Herbigbrowneyeswereradiatingconfidenceand
hereyelasheslookedlongerthanI’deverseenthemwithhernewmascara.Sallylookedabsolutely
gorgeousandIknewthatshewashopingthatCody,whenhearrived,wouldnoticeaswell.Ididn’t
knowwhattothinkaboutthat.CodywasmybrotherandIlovedhim,butIdidn’tthinkhedeserved
someonelikeSally,atleastnothowhehadbeentreatingherrecently.Shedeservedanamazingman
whowouldsweepheroffofherfeetandshowherthatshewashisworld,andIwasn’tsureifCody
wasconfidentenoughtobethemantodothat.

“Youlookamazingaswell.”Sallygrinnedatmeandthenwhistled.“Absolutelybeautiful.Being

engagedisreallydoingitforyou.Haveyoualsolostsomeweight?”Shelookedatmeagainand
tiltedherhead.

“I’velostabouttenpounds.”Inoddedandsighed.“Ihaven’treallybeenabletoeatorsleep,”I

admitted.“Ihaven’treallybeenworkingoutordieting.Ijusthaveallthisnervouspent-upenergy.”

“Ohno.”Sallyfrownedandlookedatme.“Thatdoesn’tsoundgood.”
“IguessIjustfeelsofrustrated.”Iloweredmyvoice.“YouknowhowmuchIloveTJ.Youknow

thatIwanttobewithhimforever.Youknowthat,well,he’stheonewhohashadmyheartforever.
And,well,IfeellikeeverydayIspendwithhim,Ifallinlovewithhimdeeperanddeeper,butIalso
keepmakingalongercrackinmyheart.Idon’tknowhowI’mgoingtosurviveafterthisends.”Ibit
downonmylowerlip,myeyeswideasIstaredather.Theempty,sinkingfeelingenteredmy
stomachagainandItookadeepbreath.Icouldnotcrynow.Iwasfedupofcrying.AndIdidn’twant
toruinmymakeup.Smearedmascaraandeyelinerdidn’tlookgood.Atall.

“Oh,honey.”Sally’seyeswidenedinresponsetowhatI’dsaid.“Youneedtojustleavehim.You

needtoforgetthiswholearrangement.He’snotgoodforyourheart.Iknowyoulovehim,butifhe’s
makingyoufeelbadaboutyourself,he’snotworthit.Therewillbeothermen,Mila.Youare
beautiful.Youaregenerous.You’refunny.Smart.Shit,you’retheperfectgirl.Anymanwouldbe
happytobewithyou.Trustme.Youwillfallforsomeonemuchbetter.”

“ButnoneofthemwillbeTJ,”Isaid,myvoicebleak.
“TheywillbebetterthanTJ.”
“ThereisnoonebetterthanTJ.”Igulped.“He’smyeverything.”
“Butyou’renothiseverything,”Sallysaidsoftly,herfacesympathetic.“Don’tyouwantaman

whowillmakeyouhiseverything?”

“IjustwantTJtoloveme.”
“Oh,we’remesses.”Sallysighedandgrabbedmyhand.“Howdidwegettothisplace?Bothofus

inlovewithmenwhocan’tseemtoloveus.Whatarewedoingtoourselves?”

“Idon’tknow.”
“Idon’twanttobesingleforever.”Sally’slipspursed.“AndIdon’twanttobewaitingonCody

forevereither.Whatifitneverhappens?Whatifheneverfallsforme?WhatifIendupatfifty,never
married,nokids,noloves,nonothingbecauseIjustwaitedaroundonhim?”

“Thatwon’thappen,”Isaid,butthenasIspokethewordsIrealizedthesamethingcouldhappen

tome.WhatifIjustwaitedaroundonTJtosomehowfallinlovewithmeandbeokaywithit?How
longwouldIwait?Whatifitneverhappened?WhatifhefellinlovewithsomeoneelsewhileIwas
herewaiting?Itwouldcrushme,andeventhinkingaboutitmademefeelsick.Imagininghimwith
someoneelse,fallinginlove,tellingherheadoredher,holdingherclose,kissingher—oh,God,that
wouldkillme.Iwouldbedevastated.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout,Mila?”Sallyaskedsoftly.“Youlooklikeyoujustfoundout

someonedied.”

“WhatifTJfallsinlovewithsomeoneelse?Marriesher?WhatifTJ’snottheproblem?Whatif

it’sme?Whatifhejustcan’tfallinlovewithmebecauseI’mnottheoneforhim?

“Let’sseehowtonightgoesandthenweshouldhaveaseriousconversation.Neitherofuscanjust

stayinthesepositions.It’snothealthyforus.”

“Iknow.”Inodded.“IneedtotalktoTJaswell.Needtotellhimsomestuff.Needtojustbefreeto

acceptwhateverhappensnext.Idon’twanttobelivinginthisemotionalturmoilanymore.”

“Yeah,it’snothealthy,”Sallyagreedandwejuststaredateachotherforafewmoments,bothof

uswonderingwhatitwasgoingtotaketogettheotheronetostepoffoftheledge.

***

“Well,don’tyoutwolookpretty?”TJwalkedovertomeandgavemeaquickkissonthecheekashe
gothome.ThenhewalkedovertoSallyandgaveherahug.“LookslikeIgothomejustintime.”

“Yeah,justintimetonotcookanything.”Ishookmyheadathim.“Luckyyou.”
“Didyoureallywantmyhelpcooking?”
“No,”Ilaughedandhegrinneddownatme,hiseyesglowing.
“I’mjustgoingtogoandchangequickly,”hesaidwithalaughandwalkedtowardsthebedroom.

“I’llbeback.”

“Okay,”IsaidandlookedatSally,whowassmiling.
“Don’tmissmetoomuch,”hesaidwithanotherlaughandIshookmyheadathim.
“I’lltrynotto.”IgiggledandgrabbedSally’shand.“Let’sgoandgetadrink.Wedeserveone.”
“I’mdownforthat,”sheagreedandweheadedtowardsthekitchen.“So,TJseemslikeheisina

goodmood.”

“Yeah,hedoes,”Iagreedhappily.“It’sbeennicethislastweek.”
“That’sgood.”Shenodded.“How’sitbeengoingwithhisbusinessdeal?Haveyoumetmanyof

theshareholdersandpartners?How’shisdadbeen?”

“Tobehonest,Ihaven’treallyseenhisdadoranyoneelsesincethatparty.”Ishrugged.“And

everytimeIbringituptoTJ,hechangesthesubject.”

“That’sweird.”
“Yeah,itis.”Inoddedandheldupabottleofwineinonehandandabottleofvodkaintheother.

“What’syourpoison?”

“Ineedliquidcouragetonight.”Sallygrinned.“I’llhaveavodka-Sprite.”
“IthinkI’llhavethesame.”Ilaughedandputthebottleofwinedown.“Soyeah,I’mnotreally

surehowit’sgoing.”

“Fourweeksisgoingtobeupsoon,though.”Sallylookedthoughtful.“I’mguessingthatthis

arrangementisgoingtolastlonger,then?”

“Wehaven’treallydiscussedit.”Ishrugged,butIknewthatIwashopefulinside.Iwashopeful

thatitwouldlastforever.Well,nottheengagement.Iwashopingtheengagementwouldlastlong
enoughtobecomerealandthenwe’dgetmarried.

“Iguessnothing’shappeningyet?”shesaiduncertainly.“Whataboutwork?Areyourparents

doingbetter?”

“Idon’tthinkso.”Isighed.“AndIknowtheydon’twanttotellNonnoandworryhim.”
“Areyougoingtotellhim?”
“Idon’tthinkso.”Ishookmyhead.“That’suptomyparents.”
“Yeah,Iguessso.Butaren’tyoumajorityowner?”
“Idon’treallylikebringingthatup.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“Andit’snotlikeitmeansmuch

untilI’mthirtyanyways.That’swhenthesharesvest.”

“Thatjustmeansthat’swhenyoucanaccessthemoney.Youstillhavealltherightsasmajority

shareholder,Mila.”Sallypursedherlips.“MaybeyoushouldaskTJifhecangiveyousomeadvice
andhelp.”

“Idon’twanttodothat.”Ishookmyhead.“Itseemslikeitwouldbeoverstepping.”
“That’snotoverstepping.”Shesighed.“Maybehecanhelp.”
“Yeah,maybe.”
“AnywordonBarbie?”sheaskedcasuallyandIshookmyhead.
“Ihavenocaretoeverhearhernameagain.”ImadeafaceandhandedSallyherdrinkbefore

downingmine.“Nocareatall.”

“Yeah.”Shelaughedanddownedherdrinkaswell.
Dingdong.
“IguessCody’shere,”IsaidasIputmydrinkdownandwalkedtowardsthefrontdoor.“You

goingtobeokay?”

“I’llbefine,”Sallysaidasshetookadeepbreath.“God,IhopeIdon’tmakeafoolofmyself.”
“Youwon’t.”Igrinnedather.“I’llmakesureyoudon’t.”Iwinkedatherandthencontinuedon

mywayandopenedthedoor.“Hey,bro,”Isaidandgavehimahug.

“Hey,you.”Hekissedmeonthecheekandsurveyedmyface.“Youlookhappy.”
“Iamhappy.”Inoddedandthennoticedthatthereweretwoguysstandingnexttohim.“Hi,I’m

Mila,”IsaidasIsteppedawayfromhim.

“Oh,yeah,thisisBrodyandthisisJames,”Codysaidashenoddedtohistwohandsomefriends.

“Ihopeyoudon’tmindthatIinvitedthem.”

“It’snoproblem.”Ismiledathim,butinsideIwasshouting.IhopedIhadmadeenoughfood.
“Great,”hesaidandgrinnedatme.Isawhiseyessearchinginsidetheapartmentandthenhe

stoppedwhenhesawSally.“Hey,Sally,Iwaswonderingifyouweregoingtobehere.”

“She’smybestfriend,ofcourseshewasgoingtobehere,”Isaid,answeringforher.“Arethere

goingtobeanyothersurprisegueststonight?”IgaveCodyalookandhelookedconfused.

“Likewho?”
“Barbie?”Ihissed.
“Oh,she’sgotaboyfriend.”Heshrugged.“Iguessshe’sdatingsomerich,olderdude.”
“What?”Ifrowned.“Already?”
“Idon’tknowthestory,butshehadmywatchandIwanteditbackand,well,shesaidher‘rich,

olderboyfriend’wouldn’tappreciatemecomingovertogetit.”

“Okay.”Ishookmyheadbutdidn’tcontinuetheconversation.Ididn’twantSallytohearus

talkingaboutBarbieandberemindedofhisdalliance.

“Hi,guys.”SallydidasexystruttowardsthefourofusandIcouldseethatalloftheguys’

attentionwasonherandherlonglegsintheheelsshewaswearing.

“Hi,I’mBrody.”Thetall,stockyblondguystoodforwardandshookherhand.
“Hi,Brody.”Sallygavehimadazzlingsmile.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Youtoo,mydear,youtoo.”Hewasgrinningatherandcontinuedtostandclosetoher.
“AndthisisJames.”CodylookedatBrodywithanannoyedexpressiononhisface.
“Nicetomeetyou,James.”Sallysmiledathimaswellandhegaveherasoftsmilebeforeturning

tome.

“Hi,I’mJames,”hesaid,hisbigblueeyessparklingashegazedatme.
“Mila.Cody’ssister,ifyoudidn’tfigurethatoutyet.”
“You’remuchprettierthanhim,”hesaid,andIlaughed.
“That’sgoodtohear.Thankyou.”Iblushedashecontinuedtosmileatme.
“You’reverywelcome,”hesaidasheranhishandthroughhisshort,wavybrownhair.“Thanks

forhavingus.”

“You’reverywelcome,”Isaid.
“He’sverywelcomeforwhat?”TJ’svoicecameboomingintotheroom.
“ForMilabeingsograciousastohavemeoverfordinner,”Jamesspokeup,hiseyesnever

leavingmine.

“Sorry,whoareyou?”TJfrownedashegazedatJamesandthenatBrody.
“TJ,thisisBrodyandthisisJames.Theyareinmybaseballleague.WewerebattingearlierandI

figuredtheycouldcomefordinneraswell.Themorethemerrier,right?”Codysaidnonchalantly
andIcouldseeTJ’seyesnarrowingathim.Hmm,Iwonderwhatwasgoingonthere.

“Sure.”TJshruggedandwalkedovertomeandkissedmeonthelips.“Ihopeyoudidn’tmissme

toomuch.”

“Ididn’t.”Ismiledupathimandhiseyesnarrowed.
“That’swhatyousaynow,”hesaidsoftly,thenturnedbackaround.“Okay,whowantsadrink?”
“Ithoughtyouwouldn’task,bro.”BrodylaughedandthenlookedatSally.“Whatareyou

drinkingtonight,beautiful?”

“IthinkI’mstickingwithvodka-Spritesfornow.”SallybeamedathimandIcouldseeCody

frowningattheirexchange.

“Andwhataboutyou?”Jameslookedatme.“Actually,letmeguess.”
“Goon,then.”Ismiledasweallwalkedfartherintotheapartment.TJwasstandingtomyleftand

Jameswasstandingtomyright.

“Ithinkyoulooklikeawhite-winegirl.AmIright?”Hestaredintomyeyeswithateasing

expressionandIlaughed.

“ActuallytonightI’mdrinkingvodkaaswell.”IsmiledbackathimandIfeltTJ’shandonmy

arm.

“Andsheprefersredwinetowhitewine,”TJspokeup.“Niceguess,though.Whatdoyouwant,

James?”TJhadasmileonhisface,buthisvoicewasslightlygruff.

“I’lltakeawhiskeyneat,”Jamesreplied,ahugesmilestillonhisface.“Whatiscooking,bythe

way?Itsmellsamazinginhere.”

“I’mmakingmyfamousroastchickenwithroastpotatoesandbakedmacaroniandcheesewitha

salad.”

“Oh,myGod,thatsoundsamazing.”Jameslickedhislips.“Marryme.”
“Hahaha,”Ilaughedandblushed.
“Mila,let’sgetthedrinks,”TJsaidandgrabbedmyhand,pullingmetowardsthekitchen.
“Okay,”Isaid,annoyedathisattitude.“Whatdoyouwant,Brody?”
“I’llhaveawhiskeyaswell.”
“I’lltakeabeerski,”CodysaidandIsawSallygivinghimaquickglance.
“Soundsgood,”Isaidandwalkedovertothefridge.
“Areyoupayingattentiontothefood?”TJsaidasItookabeerout.
“Sorry,what?”Ilookedathim,confused.
“Maybepaymoreattentiontothefoodandlesstimetoflirting,”TJsaidashegrabbedhis

decanterofwhiskey.“Idon’tthinkanyofuswantburntfoodfordinner.”

“Iampayingattentiontothefood,”Isaid,annoyed.“Idon’tevenknowwhatyou’retalking

about.”

“I’mjustmakingsure,”hesaidasheputtwoicecubesinhisglassandpoured.
“Well,thanksformakingsure,”IsaidandleftthekitchenandhandedCodyhisbeer.“Hereyou

go.”IhandedittoCody,buthewasn’tpayingattentiontome,ashewastoobusywatchingBrody
flirtingwithSally,whowaslaughingherheadoffatsomethinghewassaying.

“Herearethewhiskeys.”TJfollowedmeoutandhandedaglasstoJamesandBrody.They

noddedtheirthanksandbothstartedsippingtheirdrinks.

"Soareyouguyshungry?Ihavebreadandcheeseforanappetizer.”IlookedatJamesandBrody.
"Youhadmeat‘cheese’,"JamessaidandIsmiledathim.
"Wellyou'reeasytoplease,then."Ilaughed."Andtoclarify,it'sFrenchbreadandbrie."
"Evenbetter."Hegrinned."TellmethatyouhavestrawberryorraspberryjamaswellandI'llbe

anextremelyhappyman."

"Ithinkwedo."Ilaughed."ThoughI'llhavetocheck."

"Ihavestrawberryjam,"TJsaidthinly."Milajustmovedinwithme,soshedoesn'tknowthe

completecontentsofmyfridgeyet."

"Youguysroommates?"Jamesaskedcuriously.
"Somethinglikethat."IlaughedandTJscowled.
"Whatdoyoudo,James?"TJaskedhim,steppingclosertohim.“Dustbinman?”hesaidunderhis

breath,andIgavehimaquickglance.

“Sorry,what?”Jamesaskedwithacheerysmile.
“What’syourjob?”TJaskedagainandhiseyeslookedatmeashespoke.
“Oh,I’manattorney.Patentlitigation.”Jamesgrinned.“You’reinbusiness,right?Codywas

tellingus.”

“Yeah.”TJnoddedandthensmiled.“Mila’sinretailtherapy.”
“Sorry,what?”Jameslookedatmeandhalf-smiled.“Youworkinretail?”
“Somewhat,”IsaidandtriednottoglareatTJ.“Iworkformyfamilycompany.”
“Shekindaworks,”TJsaid.“Shelikestoshopalotmore.Soanyguyshedatesshouldhavealot

ofcreditcards.”

“TJ.”Sallyspokeupformeandglaredathim.“Stopbeinganasshole.”
“I’mjustjoking,”hesaidandlaughed,thoughhestilllookedslightlypissedoff.
“Idon’tmindspoilingmygirlfriends,”Jamessaidashewalkedclosertome.“Infact,Iconsider

itapleasure.”

“Ohyeah?”Ismiledathim,tryingtobebeguiling,tryingtoannoyTJforembarrassingmelike

that.

“SodoI,”BrodysaidtoSallywithahugegrinashesidledupclosertoher.“Infact,IthinkIplan

aprettygoodfirstdateaswell.”

“Ohyeah?”shesaidwithagrin.
“Yeah.”Hestaredintohereyes.“I’dliketotakeyouononesometime.”
“Brody.”Codyslappedhisfriendaroundtheshoulder.“Sallydoesn’twantaplayerlikeyou,”he

saidwithasmileonhisface,butasIstaredatmybrother ’stenseface,Ihadthefeelingthathewas
veryjealous.Hmm,interesting.

“Mila,isthefoodnearlyready?”TJaskedme,hiseyesnarrowed.“Ithinkwe’reallreadytoeat.”
“I’mnothungryforfood,”BrodysaidandlickedhislipsashestaredatSally’slegs,andI

watchedasCodyglaredathim.

“Don’tbeapig,”Jamessaidandgavemeasmallsmile.“Excusemyfriend.Hecan’tcontain

himselfaroundabeautifulgirl.”

“Andyoucan?”Brodysaidwithalaugh.
“I’mdoingsorightnow,aren’tI?”Jamesansweredandthenlookedatme.“IthinkI’mbeinga

gentleman—right,Mila?”

“Ohyes,Ithink—”
“Mila,let’sgoandcheckthefood.”TJgrabbedmyhandandpulledmetowardthekitchen.I

followedbehindhimquickly,feelingslightlyamusedthathewasjealous.“Isitready?”heaskedme,
glaringatmeaswewalkedintothekitchen.

“Unlikely,”IsaidasIrolledmyeyesathimandopenedtheoven.“There’snoneedtoberudeto

ourguests,TJ.”

“I’mnotbeingrude,”hesaidashestoodthereandpouredsomemorewhiskey.“I’msurethey’re

hungry,justasIam.”

“Yeah,youweren’tcomplainingofhungerwhenyougothome.”
“Ididn’twanttoberude.”Heshrugged.
“TJ.”Irolledmyeyesathim.“You’rejealous.”

“Jealousofwhat?”Heshookhisheadatme,hiseyeslookingslightlypissedstill.
“Nothing,”IsaidasIladledsomegravyoverthechickentobasteit,beforecoveringitagainand

pushingitbackintotheoven.‘It’snotready,likeIsaid.”

“Well,justmakesureyou’repayingattentiontotheguestsaswellasthefood.”
“Yes,sir,nosir,threebagsfull,sir.”
“Keepcallingme,sir,Mila.”TJ’seyessparkledatme.
“AndwhatwillhappenifIdo?”Iputmyhandsonmyhipsandstaredathim.“Huh?”
“Youreallywannaknow?”Hislipstilteduptotheright.
“Yes,sir,”Isaidandlickedmylipsnaughtilyathim.
“Comewithme,”hegrowledandgrabbedmyhand.
“Wherearewegoing?”Iopenedmyeyesinnocentlyathim.
“Ishouldtakeyoutothelivingroom,andgiveeveryoneashow.”Hepulledmetowardshimand

leaneddownandkissedmeroughly.“ButI’mnotgoingtodothat.”

“Iwouldn’tletyoudothat.”Ikissedhimbackpassionatelyandbitdownonhislowerlip.
“Youwouldn’tletme,huh?”hesaidbeforesuckingonmytongue.Ireachedmyhandsupandran

myfingersthroughhishairandpulledonhissilkytressesasIpushedmybodyagainsthischestand
felthiswarmnessagainstme.

“Nope,”Iwhisperedagainsthislips,andhegroaned.
“Come,”hesaidandhepulledmeoutofthekitchenanddowntowardsthebedroom.
“TJ,”Iwhispered.“Wherearewegoing?”
“Youknowwhere,”hesaidasheopenedthebedroomdoorandthenpushedmeinsidebefore

closingit.

“TJ,thefoodmightburn,pluswehaveguests.”
“So?”Hegrinnedatmewickedly.“Whocaresaboutalittleburntfood?”
“Jamesmight,”Isaidinnocentlyandhiseyesnarrowed.
“Mila,Mila,Mila,”hesaidsoftlyandhepushedmedownonthebed.“Legsup.”
“Legsup?”Iaskedwithacuriousfrownandkeptmylegsdown.
“Legsup.”HenoddedandIwatchedasheunzippedhisbeltandpulledhishardcockout.Itstuck

outofhispantsproudlyandIswallowedhardasIstaredatit.Boy,wasitbeautiful,andIwasnota
womanwhothoughtpeniseswereparticularlyattractive.

“Legsuporwhat?”Igiggled,andhegrowledashesteppedforwardandpulledmydressup.Ifelt

hishandsslidingupundermydressandhestartedtopullmypantiesdown.“TJ,”Isaidthroatily.“We
shouldn’tdothis.”

“Weshouldn’t?”heaskedwithanevilgrinandthenheleaneddownandIfelthistonguein

betweenmylegsandallIcoulddowasstartmoaningasmylegsspreadtogivehimeasieraccess.All
thoughtsofourguestsandmydinnerleftmymindashistonguelickedupanddownmywetness.

“Oh,myGod,”IcriedoutasIfeltTJ’stongueenteringmeslowlyandmybodytrembledasI

clutchedthebedsheets.“TJ,”Icriedoutandhelookedupatmeandgrinned.

“Shh,Mila.Youdon’twantourgueststowonderwhat’shappening.”
“TJ.”MyeyesrolledinmyheadasIfelthismouthbackagainstmywetness,andthistimehewas

suckingonmythrobbingbud.IclosedmyeyesagaintoconcentrateonthefeelingsandIfeltlikemy
wholebodywasgoingtoburst.IcouldfeelmyorgasmbuildingupandIwasjustdyingforarelease.
AndthenTJstoodupstraightandjuststaredatme.“TJ,”Imoanedlouder,makingafaceathim.
“Please.”

“Pleasewhat?”
“TJ,”Igroaned.“Please.”
“Youknowwhattodo.”Hegrinneddownatmeandlickedhislips.

“TJ.”
“That’smyname,”hesaidandthenhestartedhumming.
“TJ!Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mabouttostartsinging‘MoveTogether ’byJamesBay.”
“TJ,”ImoanedandwatchedashegrinnedwiderasIputmylegsupintheair.
“Yes,Mila?”hesaidashesteppedforwardandgrabbedmylegsandputthemoverhisshoulder.
“OhTJ,”Isaidandclosedmyeyesandwaitedtofeelhiminsideofme.
“Tellmewhatyouwant,Mila,”hesaid,hisvoicethroaty.Myeyesflutteredopenandlookedupat

him.Hewasstaringdownatme,hisfacelookingmorehandsomethanI’deverseenhim.

“Fuckme,TJ,”Isaidandgrinned.
“Louder.”Hewinkedatme.
“Fuckme,TJ,”Isaidalittlelouder.
“Evenlouder.”
“TJ,no.”Ishookmyhead.
“Louder,”hesaidandIfeltthetipofhiscockrubbingagainstmyclit.“Whatdoyouwant,Mila?

Tellmewhatyouwant.”

“Ialreadytoldyou,”ImoanedasItriedtoclosemylegsaroundhim.“Please.”
“Tellmeagain.”
“TJ,”Igroanedandreacheddownandgrabbedhiscockandtriedtoguideitinsideofme.
“Yes,Mila,”hegroanedasIsqueezedhishardnessandplaceditagainstmyentrance.“Shit,you’re

sowet.”

“Iwantyou,TJ.Please,”ImoanedandIwasrewardedwiththeswiftmovementofhimentering

me.

“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”Hegroanedasheslammedinandoutofmequickly,hishandsaround

myanklesasheheldmylegsup.Icouldfeelmywholebodymovingbackandforthonthebedashe
fuckedmehard,eachthrustseemingtoentermedeeperanddeeper.

“Yes,”IcriedoutandIcouldn’tstopmyselffromscreamingasIfelthisfingerreachingdownto

rubmyclitquicklyasheenteredme.“TJ,”IscreamedoutasIfeltmyselfreachingthetopofthecliff
evenfasterthanI’dthoughtpossible.“Oooh,”Iscreamedashethrustintomeevenharderanddeeper
andIfeltmywholebodyshakingasIstartedclimaxing.

“Comeforme,Mila,”hegroanedasIfelthisbodyshudderingnexttome.“Ohyes,”Hegroaned

andIfelthimthrustintomethreemoretimesbeforepullingoutandcomingonmydress.“OhMila,
shit,”hegroanedasheleaneddownandkissedmeonthelips.

“Oh,TJ,”IgiggledasIlookedintohissatiatedeyes.“I’mgoingtohavetochange.”
“Icanwipeitoff,”hesaidashekissedmeagain.
“IthinkI’llchange.”Imoaned.“Ihopenooneaskswhy.”
“JustsayIgotmyspermonyou.”Hewinked.
“YouwantCodytokillyou?”
“Okay,justsayyougotgravyonyourdress.Haha.”Hestoodupandpulledmeupoffofthebed.

“Takeyourdressoffandchange.”

“You’resobossy.”Irolledmyeyesathimashezippedhimselfup.
“Isn’tthatwhatyouloveaboutme?”heaskedwithasmileandIjustsmiledbackathimasIpulled

mydressoff.IwantedtoanswerhimandtellhimthatthatwasjustoneofmanythingsIlovedabout
him,butIdidn’twanttoruinthemoodandmakeittooseriousbygushingonabouthowmuchIloved
everythingabouthim.

“Letmegetchangedandfinishupdinner,”Isaidandhithimontheshoulderinstead.“Goandtake

careofourguestsandI’llbeoutinafewminutes.”

“Yes,ma’am,”hesaidandsalutedme.“Lookwho’sbeingbossynow.”

***

"Nowthat’swhatIcallagooddinnerparty."TJclosedthedoorbehindCodyandSallyastheyleft
andthenturnedtome."Thankyouforadeliciousdinner."

"You'rewelcome."Ismiledathimhappily."Itwasfun—well,asidefromwhenyoualmost

punchedJames."

"Ididn'talmostpunchhim.Ijusttoldhimthatmaybeheshouldjoinanonlinedatingserviceifhe

waslookingthathardforagirlfriend."Heshruggedandthenstaredatme."Orwereyouhopingtobe
thatgirlfriend?"

"Whatever,TJ."Irolledmyeyesathim."You'reanidiotforevensayingthat."
"I'manidiotforyou."HesmiledatmewithanadorablepuppyfaceandIjustshookmyhead.
"Ihavedishestodo."Isighedandignoredhiscutesywords.HewasdrunkandIdidn'twanttotake

anythinghesaidrightnowtooseriously.He'dbeenlovingandattentivealleveningandmybodystill
felthighfromourlovemaking,butIdidn'twanttoreadanythingintoit.Ialreadyknewthathewas
weirdwithhisfeelingsandasfarasIknewitwasthealcoholputtinghimoutofcharacter.

"Leavethedishesuntilthemorningandwe'lldothemtogether,"hesaidandputhisarmaround

mywaist."Let'sgotobedandhavesomelovemaking."

"TJ."Ileanedmyheadagainsthisshoulder."Youlooklikeyou'rewaytoodrunkforany

lovemakingtome."

"I'mnevertoodrunkforlurvemaking,"hesaidandheslurredhiswords.
"Uhhuh,"Isaidaswewalkedtowardsthebedroom."We'llsee."Wewalkedincompanionable

silenceintheroomandIwatchedashepulledoffallofhisclothesandjumpedintobed.Helayflat
onhisback,lookedupatmeandgrinnedasheclosedhiseyesandstretched.

“You’resotired,”Isaid,smilingdownathim,afeelingofaffectionsweepingthroughmeasI

gazedathim.

“Iwouldn’tsaysotired,”hemumbled,hiseyesstillclosed.
“Oh,wouldn’tyou?”Isaidsoftly,smilingtomyselfasItookmydressoffandputona

nightgown.IwalkedoutofthebedroomandwenttothebathroomsoIcouldtakemymakeupoff.
ThatwassomethingSallyhadinstilledinme.Alwaystryandremovemakeupatnight;especiallyeye
makeup,becauseitdidterrorstoyourskinifyouleftitonwhenyouwenttosleep.Icleanedmyface
andthenwalkedbacktothebedroomfeelinghappy,butstillslightlyanxious.Everythingwasgoing
sowell,butitwasallreallyafacade.Nothinghadreallychangedbetweenus.IsighedtomyselfasI
wonderedifIwasdoingtherightthingstayinghereandplayingthisgame.WasIonlyprolongingthe
painIwasgoingtofeelinjustafewweeks?IcrawledintobedandsnugglednexttoTJ.Herolled
over,pulledmetowardshimandheldmeagainsthischestandmoanedslightly.Isnugglednextto
himandlistenedtothesoundofhisheartbeatasIlaythere.

“IfIeverwantedtogetmarried,itwouldbetosomeonelikeyou,”hemumblednexttomyear

andIfrozeandlookedupathim.Hiseyes,thoughstillsleepy,wereopennow.

“Whydon’tyouwanttogetmarried?”IlookedatTJ,trulycuriousastowhyhewassoopposed

toaunionIcouldn’twaittoenter.

“Becauseamarriageismeanttolastforever,”hesaidwithoutpause,hiseyesfindingmineashe

triedtofocusonme.

“Andthatfreaksyouout?Beingwiththesamepersonforever?”
“No.”Heshookhisheadandfrowned,sleepinessmakingmeconfused.“Whatfreaksmeoutisthe

possibilitythatthemarriagecouldend.WhatfreaksmeoutisthatIcouldhavetheonepersonIlove

morethananythingintheworldandIcouldloseher.Marriagesaren’tinfallible.Peoplechange,fall
outoflove.Ithappenseveryday.Myheartwouldbreak,myworldwouldend.Iwouldceasetobethe
personIamifthatweretohappen.”Heshookhishead.“Iwillnotletmyselfbecomeastatistic.”

“Yourmarriagemightnotend,”Isaid,butIfeltweirdsayingthewords.Iwantedtosayour

marriagewouldnotend,butIknewthatwouldbeputtingallmycardsonthetableandIwasn’t
willingtodothat.

“Butthelovemight,”hesaidwithayawnandIwatchedashiseyesflutteredclosedagainandhe

driftedbacktosleep.

ChapterEleven

TJ

TwoYearsAgo

“WhenImeetthemanofmydreams,Iwanthimtowoomewithflowersandchocolatesandpoems.”
MilalaughedasshespoketoSallyinthelivingroom.

“Poems?”Ispokeupandsatonthecouchnexttothem.“Whatsortofpansyisgoingtobewriting

youpoems?”

“Amanfullofromance.”Milarolledhereyesatme.“Amanwholovesmemorethanlifeitself.”
“You’vebeenreadingtoomanyofthoseromancebooks,Mila.”Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow

anyguywho’swritinglovepoetry.”

“Iknowplentyofguysthatdo,”Sallysaidwithanencouragingsmile.“Don’tlistentoTJ.He’s

justjadedbecausehedoesn’thavearomanticboneinhisbody.”

“Iknow.Hedoesn’t.”Milastuckhertongueoutatmeandlaughed.“WhenIfallinloveandmeet

mysoulmate,Iwanttobesospecialtohimthathe’dgiveuphislifeforme.”

“Giveuphislife,huh?”
“Yup.”Shegrinned.“Hewouldgiveuphislife,hishappiness,hiseverythingjusttobewithme.”
“Wouldhegiveuphisdog?”Iaskedwithagrin.
“Ifhehadto,”shesaid,notevenblinking.
“Wouldhegiveuphiscar?”
“That’snotevenaquestion.”
“Wouldhegiveuphisjob?”Icontinued,grinning.
“He’dgiveupeverythingbecausehelovesmesomuch.”
“Wouldyoureallywantaguywhowouldgiveupeverythingjusttobewithyou?Hesoundslikea

bitofaloser.Havesomeself-respect,man.”

“Hedoeshaveself-respect.”Milafrownedatme.“He’lljustlovemesomuchthatnothingelse

mattersbutmakingmehappy.”

‘Goodluckwiththat,”Isaidandreachedfortheremotecontrol.“Youmightbewaitingalong

time.”

“Iknowyoudon’tbelieveinsoulmates,butIdo,”shesaidwistfully,herexpressionchanging.“I

justwanttomeetthatoneguywhowillthinkofmefirst.Iwanttomeetthatoneguywhotrulycares
aboutmyfeelings,mywants,mylife.Iwantthatguywhowakesupandsmilesthinkingaboutmeand
fallsasleeplisteningtomyvoice.Iwantthatoneguywholovesmesomuchthatallhecaresaboutis
puttingasmileonmyfaceandwilldoanythingtomakemelaughbecauseseeingmehappywould
makehimhappy.”

“Yeah,”Sallyagreed.“I’dlovetomeetaguylikethataswell.”
“Yougirlsarelivinginfantasyland.”Ilaughedatthem.“Thoseguysdonotexist.”
“Justbecauseyou’renotlikethatdoesn’tmeantheydon’texist,”Milasaidandhitmeinthearm.

“Stoptryingtoburstourbubbles.”

“I’mnottryingtoburstyourbubbles,butguysaren’tlikethat.Wedowhatwewanttogetwhatwe

want.Firstthingonourmindsissex,thenmaybefood,thenwork,thensexagain.”Ilaughedattheir
openmouths.“I’mjustbeinghonest.I’veneverdoneanythingforlove.Mostguysarenotgoingto
putthemselvesoutoftheircomfortzonefornoreward.Itjustdoesn’tworklikethat.”

“Whenaguyisintruelove,hewilldoanythingandeverythingforthewomanheloves,”Mila

saidsoftly.“Justtomakeherhappy.Ifevenforoneday.Evenifitmeanthewouldloseher.Amanin

truelovecaresonlyaboutdoingeverythinghecantoprotectandcherishhiswoman.Andthatwillbe
theonlythinginhismind.”ShejuststaredatmethenandIstaredbackathersilently.WhowasIto
arguewithher?IsatbackandIcouldfeelmyheartpoundingandIcouldfeelmyselfstartingtofeel
sad.Whatwoulditfeelliketobeamaninlovelikethat?Whatwoulditfeelliketobethemaninlove
withMilalikethat?Iwasn’tsurethatI’deverwanttofindout.Itseemedlikeitwouldbewaymore
thanI’dwanttodealwith.

PresentDay

“HowmuchdoIloveyou?”IlookedatMila’sprofilephotoonFacebookforwhatseemedlike

thetenthtimeinthelastcoupleofhours.Istaredintoherwide-eyedgazeandsmiledatthecute
cheekysmileinthephotoasshestuckhertongueout.“Oh,myMila.”Isighedandclosedthetaband
shutmylaptopdown.Icouldn’tspendthedaystaringatherphotosagain.Ididn’tevenuseFacebook
orothersocialmediamuch.Ididn’tcareaboutit.Ilikedtolivemylifeinprivate,butthathadn’t
stoppedmefromspendinghoursonthesiteinthelastfewdays,tryingtofigureoutwhatshewas
doing,whereshewasgoing,howshewasfeeling.Shehadn’tmadeiteasyforme,though.Shehadn’t
updatedherpageinoveramonth,sotoplacatemyselfI’dspentmyhourslookingatheroldposts
andoldphotos.Iwasn’tsurewhyI’dbecomethisobsessedperson.IknewIcouldgettheanswersI
wantedjustbytalkingtoher,butthenwhatwouldthataccomplish?IknewIcouldn’tgiveheranyof
theanswersthatshewanted.

Ilookeddownatthefilesonmydeskandgrimaced.D-daywasnearlyhere.Ihadtosignthe

paperworkwithin24hoursandthatwouldmeanthatmyfatherwouldofficiallyownMila’sparents’
companyandlegallytherewouldbenothingthatanyonecoulddoaboutit.

Knockknock.
“Comein,”IsaidasIlookedupatthedoor,hopingitwasn’tmyfatherabouttowalkinand

pressuremeintosigningthepapersrightnow.I’dthrowtheminhisfaceifitwashim.

“Why,hey,stud.”Barbiesaunteredintotheroomandmystomachdropped.
“Hi.”Inodded,notsmiling.“HowcanIhelpyou,Barbie?”
“Isthatanywayforyoutotreatyourex-lover?”Shesashayedovertomydeskandleaned

forward,herbreastsstickingouttowardsme.

“Wewereneverlovers.”Iglaredather.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Tochangethat.”Shegrinnedandshemovedaroundtothesideofmydesk.“Wecanbecome

loversnow.”

“Barbie,whatdoyouwant?”Isaid,annoyed,asIfeltherhandonmyshoulder.
“Ijusttoldyou.”Sheleanedoverandwhisperedinmyear,“Iwantyoutofuckmedeepandhard.”
“I’mgoingtogiveyoutensecondstogetoutofmyoffice,”Isaidandpursedmylips.Whatthe

helldidmyfatherseeinthiswoman?Shewasnothingbutanopportunisticslut.

“Really,TJ?Isthathowyou’regoingtospeaktome?”Shestoodupstraightandlaughed,thenI

feltherhandonmythigh,runningupmyleg.“Iguessnowyou’regettingsomefromyourlittle
friend,Mila.Well,IguessIshouldn’tsaylittle,she’snotexactlyasizezeroisshe?”Shelaughed
loudlyandmybodygrewstill.“ButIguessnowthatyourplus-sizefriendisgivingituptoyou,
you’retoogoodforme.”

“Barbie,I’monlygoingtoaskyouthisonemoretime,whatdoyouwant?”
“YouknowwhatIwonder,”shesaidandsatonthesideofmydesk.“Iwonderwhyyou’releading

thisgirlon.Imean,Igetit,menwantsex,butreally,anyonecanseethatidiotisinlovewithyou.And
shehasnoideawhoyouareorwhatyou’redoing,doesshe?”Shelaughedasshegazedatme.“You

thinkyou’rebetterthanmeandyourfather,butareyoureally?Leadingheron,fuckingher,making
ithardforhertoeverforgetyou.Isthatwhatagoodguydoes,TJ?”

“What’sittoyou?”Istaredather,myheartpoundingasIrealizedsomeofwhatshewassaying

wastrue.HowwasIanybetterthanherormydad?Milahadnoideawhatwasgoingon,really,and
thatwasbecauseofme.Andyes,Iknewshelovedmeandyes,Iwantedhertoloveme,butIdidn’t
haveanythingelsetoofferinreturn.Nothing,butheartacheandheartbreakandIwasn’tgoingto
pretendtomyselfthatIhadanythingmore.

“YourdadandIwantthisdealtohappen.”HereyesnarrowedanditwasthenthatIknewmydad

hadsentherintotakecareofthesituation.HewasprobablyworriedthatIwasgoingtobackoutof
thedeal.Littledidheknow,Iwas100%inatthispoint.

“Iknowthat,”Isaidandstoodup.“That’swhyyou’rehere?”
“Weworkedhardtomakethishappen.”Sheslidoffthedeskandstaredatme.“Iputupwiththat

bimboforawholeweekendandsleptwithherbrotherjusttomakesurethathewasoccupied.Don’t
makeitbefornothing.”

“YousleptwithCodybecauseyou’reeasy.”Ididn’tholdbackmydistasteforher.
“ThatandbecauseIlovedtoseethelookonthatbitchSally’sfacethemorningafter.”Shethrew

herheadbackandlaughed.“Oh,thejealousyinhereyes.Iwouldhavelovedtohaveseenthatlookin
Mila’seyesaswell.Couldyouimagineifshecaughtusfuckingintheshower?She’dstillbebawling
hereyesout.”

“Getout.”Ipointedtowardsthedoor.
“Aww,seemslikeyou’veactuallygotsomefeelingsleftinyoustill.”Shestaredatme,hereyes

cold.“It’sapitythatyoubecameweakandletyourselffallforher.Itwillmakeitharderonyouwhen
shewalksawayforgood.”

“Excuseme?”
“Youknowshe’llnevertalktoyouagain,right?”Shelaughedgleefully.“Youcan’tseriously

thinkyouguyswillgobacktohowitwasbefore?Don’tbeanidiot,TJ.”

“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness.”
“Oh,itisverymuchmybusiness.”Thesmileleftherfaceandshelookedatmecoldly.“AndI’m

goingtomakesureeverythinggoesaccordingtoplan.NomatterwhatIhavetodoorsay...”Her
voicetrailedoff.“Capiche?”

“Leavemyoffice.”Iturnedawayfromher,mywholebodycold.Ithadsuddenlyhitmethat

BarbiewascorrectaboutsomethingI’dneverconsidered.WhatifMilaneverspoketomeagain?
Thatwasn’tsomethingI’dbeenpreparedfor.IknewthatI’dloseourphysicalrelationshipand
possiblyherlove,butlosingherfrommylifeforever?Thatwasunthinkable.Unimaginable.How
couldIlivewithoutherinmylifeforever?Whatsortoflifewouldthatbe?IheardBarbiefinally
leavingmyoffice,butIdidn’tevenlookback.Ihadgreaterconcernsonmymindnow.Ipickedup
thephoneandmadeacall,myheartinmythroat.

“TJ?”Nonno’svoicewassubdued.
“Weneedtotalk.”
“I’vebeenwaitingforthiscall.”Hesighed.
“CanIcomeover?”
“Okay,”hesaidstiffly.“I’llbehere.”
“I’llbethereinaboutthirtyminutes,”Isaidandthenhungup,pickingupthefilefrommydesk,

mybriefcaseandjacketandleavingtheoffice.IneededtospeaktoNonnoandIneededtoseeifI
couldsomehowmakethisright.

***

“TJ,wouldyoulikeanythingtodrink?”NonnoaskedmesoftlyasIsatdownonthecouch.

“Somewater,thanks.”Inoddedandwatchedashewalkedslowlytothekitchen.Ilookedaround

hisfamiliarlivingroomandstaredatthephotosofMilaasakid,smilingatherhappyface.

“Herewego,”hesaidashehandedmeaglassandsatdownnexttome.“SohowcanIhelpyou?”
“Idon’tknowthatMilaisveryhappyrightnow,”Isaidstiffly,notsurewhattosay.
“She’sgoingthroughanemotionalturmoil.”Nonnonoddedandleanedback.“Shelovesyoua

lot,sothisishardforher.”

“It’shardformetoo.”Isippedmywater.“Idon’tknowthatIcangothroughwiththis.”
“TJ,Milaismygranddaughter,andIloveherdeeply.Iwoulddoanythingforher.Idonotliketo

seeherhurt.Idonotliketoseeherinpain.”Hestoppedandjuststaredatme.

“Thiswasyouridea,Nonno.”Isighed.“Ididn’twanttogothroughwiththis.”
“Youmust.”Nonnosaidsimply.“Herparentsarerunningthebusinessintotheground.Therewill

benothingleftwhentheyaredone.Themoneyfromyourfather ’sinvestmentwillkeepMilaafloat
fortherestofherlife.”

“Butshedoesn’tevenknow.Isn’tthereanotherway?”
“Shewouldnevergobehindherparent’sbackandI,Ican’t.”Hesighedandleanedback.“You

mustcontinuewiththedeal.”

“IjusthatethatI’mgivingmyfatherwhathewantsanddoingitsodeceitfully.”Iclosedmyeyes.

“She’sgoingtohateme.She’sgoingtothinkIdidthisformeandmydad.”

“Shelovesyou.”Nonno’svoicewassoft.“Thiswasn’tallaboutthemoney,youknow.This

arrangement...”HesighedandIopenedmyeyesandlookedathim.

“Ihavenothingelsetoofferher,Nonno.Itoldyouthat.Itoldyouthatbeforeyoutoldmetoget

intothisarrangement.Idon’tlikehavingthesesecretsfromher.Idon’twanthertothinkeverything
hasbeenahugelie.”

“TJ,youarelikeagrandsonforme.Iknowyou’vehadahardlife,buttryandletherin.Alllove

isnotbad.Allpainisnotbad.Milaisstrong.Shecanhandlearelationship.Shecanhandlegood
timesandbad.”

“Idon’twanthertohavebadtimes.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“She’sgoingtohatemewhen

shefindsouteverythingI’vebeenhidingfromher.”

“She’llknowsoonenough.”Nonnorubbedhisforehead.
“Andthenherheartwillbreakforeverandshe’llneverspeaktomeagain.”Isaid,myheart

sinkingasIrealizedeverythingthatIwasgoingtobegivingup.

“We’redoingthisforMila.”Nonnosaid.“We’redoingthisbecauseIcan’tseeherunhappy.I

can’tseeherworryingandwondering.Ijustcan’t.I’vealwaysbeenherrock.”

“Iknow.”Inodded.“Iknow.”
“Youmustdothisforme,TJ.Youmust.”Hegrabbedmyhand.“ThisisforMila.Ifshewereto

knoweverything.Ifherparentsweretoknow.Itwouldallgowrong.Youknowthis.Youknowthisis
theonlyway.”

“Iknow.”Isaidagain.
“Takehertothelakeorthebeachtonight.”Hecontinued.“Makeitaspecialnight.Youknowshe

lovesnature.”

“Iknow.”
“Dothisforher,TJ.Ifyouloveher,insomeway,whichIknowyoudo.Makeitspecial.Makeit

specialbeforeithurts.Becausewebothknowit’sgoingtohurt.Ifyouloveherinyourheart,ifyou
wantthebestforher,evenifyoudon’twanttotellher.Dothis.Sothisforher.Thisiswhatwemust
do.Thisiswhatwedobecauseshe’sthemostspecialpersoninourlives.”

Ijuststaredathimthen.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Ididn’tknowhowtotellhimthatIdidn’tknow

thatthiswasaboutMilaormoreabouthim.HoweverIkeptmymouthshut.WhatdidIknowabout
feelingsandlove?WhowasItotellhimthatthethingshewasdoingoutoflovewerethethingsthat
wouldmostprobablybreakherheartmorethananythingelse?

ChapterTwelve

Mila

Wordsconsumedmymind.Thoughts,dreams,questions—everythingIwantedtoknowwastrapped
inmybrain,wantingtocomeout,wantingtobesaid,butsilenceenvelopedus.Ikeptmyeyesonthe
sky,darkbluewithblinkingyellowstarstauntingmeintheirglory.Ifelthimshiftingnexttome,his
shoulderbrushingmineashemoved.Forthebriefestsecond,Ifeltthemomentaryshockof
electricitythatalwaysstruckmewhenwetouched.Myshouldertingledbutmyhandsstoodstill,
fightingtheurgetoreachoutandtouchhishand.Thewindwascoolnow,blowingagainstmyskinas
iftauntingmetoo.

Iclosedmyeyesforthebriefestofsecondsasmystomachchurned.“Iloveyou”spunthrough

mymindasIlaythere.Iloveyou.HowbadlyIwantedtosaythewords.Doyouloveme?Doyouthink
youcouldloveme?IfIhadtowaitamillionyearsforyoutoloveme,I’dwait.Ofcourse,Ididn’tsay
anything.Thatwastoopathetic.Iwastoopathetic.Icouldn’tfixhim.Especiallynotwhenhedidn’t
evenseemtowanttoacknowledgewhatwehad.Hedidn’twanttoletmein.NotinthewaythatI
wantedhimto.Iopenedmyeyesslowlyandstaredbackupatthesky.ThetreesseemedominousasI
staredup.Icouldseetheshadowofanowlinoneofthebranchesaboveme.Istaredupatit,wanting
tofixateontheowl,insteadofthemannexttome.

“IalwaysfeellikeI’mtheonlymanintheworldwhenIcometothewoods,”TJsaidfinally,his

voicesoundingdistant,eventhoughhewasamereinchfromme.

“Theonlymanintheworld?”Iaskedsoftly,wantingtoturntolookathim,butremainingonmy

back,inaneutralposition.

“Maybeit’sadream,”hesaid.“Tobeonewithnature,tojustlivewiththeland,lettheworriesof

theeverydayworldconsumesomeoneelseforonce.”

“I’dliketoclimbthattree.”Ipointedup.“AndI’dliketositonthehighestbranchandjuststare

outatallthetreesandletthebeautyandtranquilitytakemeaway.”Ibitdownonmylowerliptostop
myselffromsayingsomethingIshouldn’t.Iwantedtoaskhimwhathisworrieswere.Iwantedhimto
sharethemwithme.Iwantedtofillthatvoidinhislife.ButIdidn’tknowhowto.IfeltlikeIhadput
myselfouttheresomuchalreadyandyet,Iwasn’treallyanyclosertohim.Yes,Ifeltweweremore
intimateandsometimesIfeltlikeIwasactuallyarealpartofhislife,buttherewassomuchhestill
hadhidden.Hehadn’teventoldmewhywe’dcomeouttotheforestfortheevening.

“Takeyouawaywhere?”HerolledoverandIcouldfeelhimstaringatme.
“Anywhere?”Isaid,athrobofemotionescapingthroughmyvoice.
“Idon’twantyoutogoanywhere,”hesaidsoftlyandIcouldfeelhisfacemovingclosertome.

“Lookatme,Mila.”IfelthishandsonmyshoulderandIrolledovertolookathim.Hisgreeneyes
weredarkinthelight,butIcouldstillseethelightsparkleashegazedatmesearchingly.“Whatare
youthinking?”heaskedmeafterafewseconds,hisfaceanexpressionofmelancholyandcuriosity.

“IfIcouldsurviveinthewoodsbymyself,”Isaidquickly,staringbackintohiseyesintently.I

lookedtothesideasmyrealthoughtstumbledthroughmybrain.WhatdoImeantoyou,TJ?Whatdo
Ireallymeantoyou?

“Youcouldsurvive,”hesaidandIfelthisfingersonmyface.“Lookatme.”Heturnedmetoface

him.“Youcouldsurviveanything.”

Icouldn’tsurviveyounotlovingme.
“Weshouldgocampingnextweek,”hesaidandsmiledbriefly.“We’llgotoYosemite.”
“Maybe.”Inoddedandsmiledbackbriefly.

“Iwondersometimesifanyoneseesme,whoIreallyam.”HelaybackandIcouldhearthe

emotioninhisvoice.“Therearethings,Mila,thingsyoudon’tunderstand.Thingsthatmakethis
complicated.”

“Itdoesn’thavetobecomplicated.”Mybreathcaught.
“I’mnotthemanforyou,Mila.I’mnotlookingforthesamethings.”
“Youdon’tevenknowwhatI’mlookingfor.”
“Atruelove.Areallove.Asoulmate.Someonewhowillcaptivateyourheart.Someonewhowill

sayalltherightthings.Someonewhowillbethereforyouwhenyouneedthem.Someonewhocan
listen.Someonethatcanprovideforyou.Loveyou.Truly.Deeply.Withhiswholeheart.Someone
whomakesyouhisworld.Someonewho’sinaplacetoholdyoucloseandneverletgo.That’swhat
you’relookingfor.That’swhatyoudeserve.That’sthetypeofmanyouneed.Youneedsomeonewho
doesn’thavethoughtsconstantlyrunningthroughhishead.Youneedsomeonewhodoesn’thave
somethingtoprove.Youknow,someonewhoknowshowtolovelikethat.”

AllIwantisyou.Idon’tcarehowlittleofyouIhave.Thewordscaughtinmythroat.HowcouldI

makehimseethateverypartofhimwaswhatIwanted?

“Saysomething,Mila.”Heturnedbacktome,hisfacetwisted.“Speaktome.”
“I’dliketofly,”Isaid.“Ifyoucouldseemeinthedarkness,flyingthroughthesky,you’dbe

amazedbyme.You’dbeamazedbyallIcouldseeanddo.”

“Iseeyouinthelight,”hewhispered.“AndIseeyouinthedarkness.That’stheproblem.”His

voicecrackedandIclosedmyeyes,feelinglikesomeonehadjustshotanarrowthroughmyheart.
Confusionandsorrowfilledme.MyheartofglasswascrackingandIwasn’tsureitwouldeverbe
wholeagain.“Ican’tbeartoseeyouinthedark,Mila.Idon’tthinkI’dsurvive.”

Ican’tsurvivewithoutyouranthroughmyhead,butonceagainIdidn’tspeak.
“Themanwholovesyoushouldn’tbethemanwhobreaksyourheart,Mila,”hecontinued,asif

heweretryingtoconvincemeofthereasonswhyIshouldbehappyhedidn’tloveme.

“Yeah,”Isaidfinally,tryingnottocry.“Ineedtotellyousomething,”Isaidfinally.Therewasno

timelikethepresentandIneededtogeteverythingoffofmymind.

“Sure,”hesaidandherolledtolookatme.“Whatisit?”
“Ididsomethingalongtimeagoandyoumighthatemeforit.”
“Oh?”HistonehadchangedandIlookedoverathim.
“Therewasagirl,whenyouwereincollege,oneweekendwhenSallyandIwerestayingwithyou

andCody,andshecameoverand—”

“Shetoldyoushewaspregnantwithmybaby.”TJgrinnedatme.“Andyoutoldhertoleavelike

somebadassbitch.”

“Youknew?”Myjawdroppedopenasmyeyeswidened.“Youknewallthistimeandyounever

toldme?”

“I’dneverevensleptwiththatgirl.”Helaughed.“Yeah,Iknew.Ithoughtitwasfunny.”He

shrugged.“Hasthisbeenbotheringyouforawhile?”

“I’vebeenfeelingguiltyforyears.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“Itwasahorriblethingtodo.”
“Oh,Mila.”Hereachedoverandheldmeandkissedmynosesoftly.“I’msorry,Ishouldhave

mentionedsomethingtoyou.”

“IfeltsobadforwhatIdid,andforlying.”Isighed.“Ihatelying.”
“Iknow.”Hiseyesshiftedawayfrommineandhesighed.“Ihatelyingtoo.”
“Istheresomethingyou’renottellingme,TJ?”Iaskedbravely,finallyvoicingthewordsI’dbeen

wantingtosayforalongtime.“Ifeellikethere’ssomethinggoingon.AndIwishyou’dshareitwith
me.”

“Mila,therearesomanythingsIwanttotellyou.”Helookedbackintomyeyes.“Youhaveto

understandthat.”

“Thingslikewhat?”
“ThingslikehowbeautifulIthinkyouare.Howsmart.Howwonderful.Howbrilliant.Howyour

smilelightsuparoomandmyheart.”Hestoppedashisphonestartedringingandhesighedashe
tookitfromhispocket.IsawabunchoftextmessagesonhisphoneandIwatchedhimrespondingto
themquickly.MyheartracedasheturnedthephoneawayfrommesothatIcouldn’tseethescreen.
Whowashetexting?Didhehavesomeoneelse?Agirlfriend?Someonehereallydidlike,ormaybe
evenloved?MyheartgrewcoldatthethoughtandIcouldfeelmyselfstartingtofeelsick.Wasthat
whatTJwashiding?Thefactthathewasseeingsomeoneelse?Ilaybackonthegrassonmyback
andjuststaredupatthestars,tryingtobreatheinandouttocalmmynerves.

"Sorryaboutthat,"TJsaid,turningbacktome.
"That'sfine,"Isaidquietly."Whowasit?"
"Oh,"hepaused."Justsomegirl."
"Oh,"Isaid,mystomachlurching,waitingforhimtosaymore."Andyouneededtotextherback

rightaway?"Isaidafterhedidn'tsayanythingelse.

"Yeah,Iknewshe'dkeepcallingandtextingifIdidn't."Hesighedbutstilldidn'tsaymore.
"Isee,"Isaid,butIdidn't.IfeltlikeIwantedtodie.Anotherwomanaddedawholenewelementto

myheartache.

"Shedoesn'tknowIwentoutoftown,"hecontinued."Shewantedtotalktome."
"Aboutwhat?"Iaskedsoftlyandlookedoverintohiseyes.
"You,"hesaidsoftly,hisfaceserious."Shewantedtotalkaboutyou."
"Oh,"IsaidandIfelttearsdriftingdownmyface.
"It'scomplicated,Mila.It'sjustsocomplicated.Idon'tevenknowwhattosayanymore."He

reachedoverandranhisfingersdownmyfaceandbrushedawaymytears."Pleasedon'tcry."

"I'mnotcrying."Ilookedawayfromhim.
"MymomusedtosaythatwhenIcaughthercrying,"hesaidabruptly,hiseyesgoingdark."Ijust

rememberedthat.Iwouldcatchhersometimes,justcrying,andIneverknewwhy.She'dusuallystop
rightaway.Andthenshe'dsmileandholdmecloseandkissmeandtellmeIwasherperfectlittle
boy."Hesmiledatmewryly."Thenifmydadcaughther,he'dtellhertostopcoddlingmeandshe'd
letmegoandI'djustsitthere,slightlyconfusedandbereft,notunderstanding."Heblinkedupatme.
"Thenshejuststoppedhuggingaltogether,notunlessshewassuremydadwouldn'tsee."

"Oh,TJ."Myheartbrokeforhim."I'msosorry."
"It'sokay."Henodded."Thatwasn'tthepartthathurt."Hepaused."Thepartthathurtwasseeing

herhugandsmileateveryoneelse.Itmademefeelsmall,unloved,likeI'ddonesomethingwrong.I
rememberonce,Ihadapartyandshehuggedallmyschoolfriendsandaskedeachandeveryoneof
themhowtheirdayhadbeen,yetshedidn'tevenlookmeintheeyes.Shedidn'tevencareaboutme,
herownson,theonesheshouldhavelovedthemost."

"Idon'tknowwhyshedidthat,"Iwhisperedandstrokedthesideofhisface."I'msosorry."The

wordssoundedinadequate,eventomyownears.

"Iwastooyoungtounderstandthatitmusthavebeenduetomydad,"hesaidandsighed."AllI

couldthinkaboutwashowshealwaysusedtoholdmecloseandhugandkissmeuntilIcouldn't
breathe.Andshe'dtellmehowmuchshelovedme.Howshecouldn'timaginelovinganyonemore
thanme.Andthenshejuststopped."

"I'msureshedidn'tstop."
"Shejuststopped.Iwasherworld.ShetoldmeIwasherworld.SheusedtotellmethatIwasher

reasonforliving.Thatmybirthwaswhathadmadeherlifeperfect.Shetoldmethatthedayshehad

mewasthedayshestartedtobelieveinGodagain.He'dprovenheexistedbygivinghersomething
soperfect."Histhroatcaught."Andthenshestoppedlovingmeandshedied."

"Oh,TJ."Ipulledhimintomyarmsandheldhimtightly."Youwerethebestthingthatever

happenedtoher,butyourdadandwhateverotherdemonsshehad,well,thatstoppedherfrombeing
thepersonshewasinside."

"SometimesIwishIcouldtalktoher,"hesaid."I'dliketoknowwhathappened.I'dliketoknowif

shestoppedlovingme."

"She'dneverstoplovingyou,TJ."Ikissedhimhard."Noonecouldstoplovingyou,"Iwhispered

againsthislips.Icouldneverstoplovingyou,IthoughttomyselfasIdismissedtheothergirlfrom
mythoughts.MyheartwasachingformyTJ,themanwhostillheldthehurtandfearsfromhis
childhood.

"Iwanttomakelovetoyou,"hemutteredagainstmylips."Ineedtobeinsideofyou."
Ididn'tanswer;instead,Islowlytookoffhisshirtandthenpulledhispantsandboxersdown.I

thenstoodupandslowlyundressedandthrewmyclothestotheground.Ilookeddownathismoon-
kissedfaceandmyheartswelledwithloveatthelookofdesirethatshonebackatme.

"Cometome,baby."HereachedhisarmsupandItookhishandsandstraddledhim.Ifelthis

hardnessbetweenmylegsandIrockedbackandforthandteasedmyselfwithhismanhood.Heleaned
upandpulledmedownslightlysothathecouldcovermyrightnipplewithhismouthandsuck,while
hishandplayedwithmyotherbreast.Istretchedmybodydownagainsthimandkissedhisneck,
whilemyhandsplayedwithhischestandrandownhisslightlyhairystomach.Myfingersplayedwith
hisbellybuttonandIgaspedashestartednibblingonmynipple.Iadjustedmybodyandsatup
slightlyandreacheddownandguidedhimintomehesitantly.ThiswasthefirsttimeIwasreallythe
guidingforceduringintercourseandIwaslovingthefeelingofpower.Asheslidinsideofme,I
foundmyselfclosingmyeyesandmovingbackandforthonhimgently,enjoyingeverystrokeof
himinsideofme,asthestarsshonedownonus.Themomentfeltprimalandrawandlikewewere
onewithnature.

“I’mflying,TJ,”IcriedoutasIfeltmyorgasmbuilding.Myhairflewbehindmeandthewind

cooleddownmyheatedbody.

“I’mflyingaswell,Mila.”Hegrabbedaholdofmyhipsandmovedmybodybackandforward

evenfaster.IgyratedonhimashardasIcouldandIcouldfeelbothofourbodiestremblingaswe
nearedourcrashingpoint.Wecriedouttogetheraswebothcameandmybodyfelldownontopof
himasIclimaxed.

“Iloveyou,TJ,”Isaidsoftlyintohisear.“Thatwillneverchange.”
“Iknow,”hewhisperedback.“That’smydreamandmyhope.”

ChapterThirteen

Mila

Iwalkedalongthesideofriverbymyselfwatchingthesunrise.Thepreviouseveninghadbeen
touchingandprofound,butthesadnessinmyhearttoldmethatthingswerenevergoingtochange.
TJwasbroken,evenifhedidn’tknowit.AndhemightneverbeabletolovemeinthewaythatI’d
wanted.Iknewitinthewayhe’dpulledawayfrommewhenwe’dbrokenupthismorning.He’d
lookedembarrassedandsad,andevenmorethanthat,he’dlookedvacant.Thatwaswhathadbroken
me.I’dfeltthatafterlastnightweweregrowingcloser,butthismorningithadseemedlikewewere
furtherapartthaneverbefore.

Iwalkedovertothegrassandsatdownandthenlaybackandclosedmyeyes.IknewIcouldn’t

stayherelong.TJhadtogetbacktowork.Hisphonehadbeenringingsinceabout5amandI’dheard
himmutteringthathe’dbeintheofficeassoonaspossible.Iwantedtoaskhimwhatwasgoingonat
work,butdidn’twhattoseemlikeIwasbeingnosey.Plus,thatwasn’ttheconversationthatIreally
wantedtohave.Iwantedtotalkaboutus,abouthim.Aboutwhatwewerereallydoing.Iwantedtotell
himIwantedout.Ididn’twanttobehisfourweekfianceeanymore.Sallyhadbeenright.Itwasonly
fourweeks,butIknewitwasgoingtohurtforalotlongerthanthat.Iwasfightingalosingbattle.TJ
wasnevergoingtobemineandthepainthatIfelteverytimeIwaswithhimwasalmostasmuchas
thelove.Itwasbecomingtoomuchformetohandle.Ididn’twanttofeelthiswayanymore.Ididn’t
wanttofeellikemywholedaywasmadewithhissmileandmywholedaywasruinedwithhisfrown.

IlookedupasIheardfootstepsapproachingme.ItwasTJ.Hewaswearingatshirtandjeansanda

lopsidedsmileonhisface,thatlookednervousandanxiousatthesametime.Itwasweirdtoseehim
thisway.Iwassousedtothemanthatalwaysusedtoteasemeandtryandmakefunofme.Seeingthis
vulnerablesideofTJmademeseehimassomeonedifferent,stillwonderfulandfun,butsomeone
deeperandofmorecharacter.Itwashardnottofalldeeperinlovewithhim,themoreIsawofhim;
flawsandall.Hewalkedtowardsmeandsatnexttome,notsayinganything.Ilookedawayfromhim
andjuststaredattheskyandwejustlaythereinsilence.

"I'lltellyouastory."TJsaidfinallyashelaynexttomeinthegrass.
"Idon'twanttohearastory."Ididn'tlookathimasIshiftedawayfromhim.Whyhadhefollowed

mehere?Whycouldn'thejustleavemealone?Orjusttellmethatheneededtogetbacktotheoffice
andthatwehadtoleave.

"Thereoncewasagirl.Shelovedaboy.Withallherheart.Allhersoul.Shelovedhim,even

whenshedidn'tknowhim.Shelovedhimforeverythinghewas.Shelovedhimforeverythinghe
wasn't.Shelovedhimforthewayhesmiledwhenshegiggled.Thewayhefrownedwhenhe
disapprovedofsomethingshewasdoing.Thewayhepursedhislipswhenhewascross.Thewayhe
heldherhandwhenshewastipsy.Shelovedhimforthewayhealwaysknewexactlyhowshefelt.She
lovedhimevenwhenhedidn'tloveher.Shelovedhimwithsomuchhopeandwonder.Andshe
waited.Patiently.Shewaitedforthedaywhenhewouldloveher.Infairytales,soulmatesalwayscame
together.Andsheknewhewashersoulmate.Sheknewassureastherewerestarsintheskythathe
washers."TJ'svoicebrokeandmylipstrembledathiswords.Myeyesstartedtofillwithtears.I
hatedhim.Ihatedhimforcominghimandtalkingandsayingthingsthatmademyhearthurteven
more.

"Sothenwhathappened?"Iaskedhim,myvoicebarelyawhisper.
"Hewasn'tgoodenough."
"Youmeanhedidn'tloveher."Iinterjected,fedupofhisbullshit.
"Imean,hewasn'tgoodenough."TJsighed."Lifeisn'talwaysafairytale."

"Noshit."
"Thereoncewasaboy."Hesaidsoftly."Helovedagirl.Withhiswholebeing.Withhiswhole

heartandsoul.Helovedagirltothepointofdistraction.Helovedhertothepointthathecouldn't
sleep.Helovedhertothepointthatshewasallhecouldthinkabout.Helovedhertothepointwhere
hersmilekepthimawakeatnightbecauseitwassobright.Helovedhertothepointthatitbrokehis
heartthathemadehersad.Helovedhertothepointofinfinity,yethecouldn’ttellher."

"Okay,and?"Iturnedtohimthen.Icouldn'tnotlookathimanymore.Istaredathisface,thenhis

hair.Isobadlywantedtoreachover,touchhishair,touchhisface,touchhislips.

"Hedidn'tbelieveinmagic.Hedidn'tbelieveinthestars.Hewasafraidtofly."Herolledoverand

facedme."Hedidn'tbelieve..."Hisvoicetrailedoff."It'salongwaytofallwhenyouliveinthe
clouds."

"Maybeyouwouldn'tfall."Iblinkedrapidly.
"Thereoncewasaboy."Hestareddirectlyintomyeyes,ableakexpressionburningintomysoul.

"Hehadasecret.Hehadasecretthatheknewwouldbreakherheart.Andheknewthatthefallwas
inevitable."

"Maybeheshouldhavetrustedthegirl."Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtoignoretheracingofmy

heart."Maybeheshouldhavebelievedinthemagic.Maybeheshouldhavejumpedoutintothe
universeandscreamedandshoutedthathedidn'tcarewhathappened.Maybetheboyshouldn'thave
beenafraidtofly."Iopenedmyeyesthen."Wecouldhavebeenintheair,barelybreathingtogether.
Riskingitall."Igavehimasmallsmileandjumpedup."Maybeheshouldhavelivedintheclouds
withher."

"Mila."Hisvoicebrokeashejumpedupaswell."Youdon'tknowwhatyou'resaying."
"I'mnotafraidtofly,TJ.Youare."Ipausedforafewseconds,wonderingifthiswasfinallygoing

tobetheendforbothofus."Iloveyou."Isaidafterafewseconds,myvoicecrackingasIdecidedto
putitalloutthere.

"Iwantyou."Hesaid.
"Ineedyou."Isaid.
"Imissyou."Hesaid.
"Ican'tlivewithoutyou."Isaid.
"Ican'tbreathewithoutyou."Hesaid.
"I'mfalling."Isaid.
"I'llcatchyou."Hesaid.
"I'mtired."Isaid.
"I'llholdyou."Hesaid.
"I'mcrying."Isaid.
"I'llwipeawayyourtears."Hesaid.
"Loveme."Isaid.
"Idontknowhattosay."Hesaid.
"Justloveme."Isaid.
"It'snotthateasy."Hesaid.
"Itis."Isaid.
"Itisn’t."Hesaid.
“Myheartismadeofglassandyouhavejustcrackedit.”Isaidmelodramaticallyandhithimin

thearmhard.“Ihateyouformakingmefeelthisway.Ihateyou.”Hejuststaredatmeforaboutfive
minutesandthenhisexpressionchangedandhestartedlaughing.“OhMila,I’mafool.”Hesaidashe
stoppedlaughing.

“Whyareyouafool?”

“Ineverwantedtofallinlovewithyou.Ineverwantedtofeelthisway.”Hesighed.“Idon’teven

knowwhyI’madmittingthisnow.”

“Whatareyouadmitting?”Iaskedhopefully,mybreatheinmythroatwaitingpatiently.
“Iloveyou,MilaBrookstone.Idon’tknowhoworwhy,orwhat’sgoingtohappen,butIknowas

sureastherearetearsinyoureyesthatIloveyouandIdon’twanttohurtyouanymore.Icouldn’t
baretohurtyou.”

“Youreallyloveme?”Isaidslowly,notbelievingwhatIwashearing.
“Ithinkit’sbeenobvious.”Hesighed.“I’vejustbeenscaredtosaythewords.I’vebeenscaredto

sayitoutloudbecausethenthatmakesitreal.Andonceit’sreal,itmeansit’sintheuniverse.It’sout
there.Ibelongtoyouandyoubelongtomeandwe’reinlove.We’resoulmatesandthatscaresthe
shitoutofme.”

“Itdoesn’thavetoo.”Isaidsoftlyandhejustreachedoverandheldmyhands.
“Afteryesterday,talkingtoyouaboutmymom,itmademerealizesomanythings.Itmademe

realizethatalotofmyhurtandfearcomesfrommymomanddad’srelationship.Itwasmentally
abusivetoher,emotionallyabusiveandshedidn’tknowhowtocope.Ithinkshemostprobably
sufferedfromdepressionaswell.”Hesighed.“Andmydaddidnothingtohelp.Ihatehimforthe
manthatheis,butIalsorealizedthismorningwhenyouleftmeinthebed,Ididn’twanttobehim.
AndIdidn’twanttobethemanhidingawayfrommyfeelingsbecauseIwasscared.Iloveyou,Mila.
IloveyoulikeI’veneverlovedanymorebeforeinmylife.Weweredestinedtobetogether.Ifeelthat
inmysoul.Myverysoul.Doyouknowthat?Doyouknowhowmuchyoumeantome?Howmuch
you’vealwaysmeanttome?It’sscary.”Hesaid,hiseyesblazingintomine.

“IfImeanhalfofmuchastoyouasyoumeantome,thenyes,Iknow.”Isaidsmilingathim.
“Look,there’ssomethingIneedtotellyou.”Hisfacechangedtooneofanguishandmyheart

froze.

“Whatisit,TJ?”
“Idon’tknowhowtotellyouthis.”HesighedandIcouldseethathewasworried.“Itmight

changeeverythingandIunderstandthatitdoes,butIcan’tnottellyou.”

“You’rescaringme,TJ.Pleasejusttellme.”
“So,allthecallsI’vebeengettingandthiswholeengagement,well,it’snotwhatyouthink.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iaskedconfused.
“Ourengagement,itwasn’taboutmeorimpressingtheboardoranyofthat.”Hetookadeep

breath.“It’saboutyourfamilycompany.It’sintrouble.Realtrouble.Yourparentswillmostprobably
bebankruptinthenext3-6months.Nonnoknew,hasknownforawhilethatit’snotdoingwell.They
haven’tlisteneditanyofhisadvice,sohecametome.”Hetookadeepbreath.“Hewantedmetohelp
himmakesurethathiscompany,hisinvestmentandlegacytoyoudidn’tgodownthedrain.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout,TJ?Howcoulditgodownthedrain?Howcouldyouhelp?”
“Youhave51%sharesinthecompany.Youcanmakeallthedecisions.”
“Butthat’sjustinname.”Ishookmyhead,stillconfused.“Ihaven’tdoneanything.”
“Whenwegotengaged,yougavemepowerofattorney.I’mabletocontrolthecompany.”He

gazedintomyeyes.“TodayI’mgoingtosignacontractthatallowsmyfathertopurchaseyour
familycompanyfortenmilliondollars.ThisiswhatNonnowanted.Thisiswhathewantedmetodo.
Andhedidn’twantanyonetoknow.Heknowsyourparentswouldn’tdoit.Heknowsthatmydad
mighttearapartthecompany,buthedoesn’tcare.Hewantstomakesureyou’retakencareof,Mila.
Helovesyouwithallhisheartandwell,hecan’tliveknowingthatyoumightbeleftwithnothing.”

“What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?You’resigningmyfamilycompanyawaytoyourdad?”My

jawdropped.“Youusedme?”

“Ididn’twanttodoit.Ihaven’tevendoneityet.It’sbeenkillingme,Mila.I’vebeengoingback

andforthonwhattodo.IfeellikeI’mbetrayingyoueverytimeIeventhinkaboutthecontract.Ihate
myself.I’monlydoingitbecauseImadeapromisetoNonno.Hebeggedmetohelphimwiththis.He
saidifIcaredaboutyouatall,Iwoulddoitbecauseitwasforyourbestinterests.”Hesighed.“I
agreedbeforeIfullyunderstandwhatitwouldbeliketohavetodeceiveyou.”

“Whythefakeengagement?”Isaid,myheartpoundingandmychesthurtingasItriedto

comprehendwhathewastellingme.

“Becauseitwastheonlywaytogetthepowerofattorneythroughacontract.”Hesighed.“Itwas

allNonno’sidea.”

“HeknewIlovedyou.”Isighed.“Howcouldhedothistome?Didn’theknowitwouldjusthurt

meevenmore?”

“IthinkhecouldseethatIlovedyouaswell.”TJgavemeahalf-smile.“Maybehewastryingto

givemeapush.Seewhatwecouldhave.”

“Yeah,Isuppose.”Ilookedawayfromhim,deeplyhurt.
“Anditworked,Mila.Ididcometomysenses.IloveyoumorethanlifeitselfandImightnot

haverealizedthatifnotforthiscraziness.”

“Isuppose.”Irubbedmyforehead,notsurehowIwasfeeling.“It’salottotakein,TJ.”
“Iknow.”Henodded.“There’ssomethingelse.”
“Oh,God.”Igroaned.“Whatnow?”
“SoBarbie?”Hesighed.“Shekindaknowstheplan,andshe’skindadatingmydad.”
“WHAT?”Iscreamedoutloud.“Areyoujokingme?FuckingBarbieknows?”
“Wellshedoesn’tknoweverything.”Hehalf-smiled.“ShethinksI’mdoingthisformydad

becauseIwantaseatontheboard.ShethinksI’mdoingitbegrudgingly.Shedoesn’tknowthat
Nonnoisinonitandshedoesn’tknowthatwe’rewayoverpayingforthecompany.”Hesmiledatme.
“Sowhileshe’sgloating,I’msmilinginside.”

“Smilinginside?”Iraisedaneyebrowathim.
“Smilingforthegreatdeal.”Hesighed.“Notthedeception.”
“OhTJ.”Irubbedmyforehead.“Thisissomuchtounderstandandtakeon.Ijustdon’tknowhow

tofeel.”

“Canyouforgiveme?”Heasked,hiseyesworried.“Doyoustillloveme?”
“Icanforgiveyou,TJ.Promiseme,therearenomoresecrets.”Ilookeddeeplyintohiseyes.

“Movingforwardwehavetobehonestwitheachother.”

“Therearenomoresecrets.”Hesaid,hiseyesearnest.“I,Iloveyoumorethanlifeitself.You

knowthat.ThereisnothingIwouldn’tdoforyou.NothingIwouldn’tdotobewithyou.EverythingI
doistoprotectyou.Pleasealwaysknowandrememberthat.”

“Iloveyou,TJ.Aslongaswearehonestwitheachother,nothingcanbreakusapart.”
“Sowe’llsignthepaperwork?”HeaskedmestifflyandInodded.
“Ifthat’swhatNonnowanted,thenwe’lldoit.”Isighed.“Myparentswillkillme,butItrust

Nonnowitheverything.I’mgoingtokillhimwhenIseehimnextthought.Ican’tbelievehewould
keepthisasecretfromme.”

“Ithinkpartofitwashimhopingwe’dgettogether.”TJsaidsoftly.“Ithinkhewantsmetotake

overhisrole.Hewantsmetoloveandprotectandguideyou.HemusthaveseenhowmuchIloved
youfromthestart.”

“Idon’tneedanyonetoguideme.”Irolledmyeyesathimandhelaughed.
“Shallwegobacktotheoffice?”
“OnlyifyoupromisemeIcanbitchslapthatho,Barbie.”

“Youhavemyblessings.”Helaughedandwejustgrinnedateachotherhappily.Ifeltasifmy

heartweregoingtoburstwithhappinessandexcitement,butforsomereasonIstillfeltasenseof
uneaseandworry.Waseverythinggoingtooperfectly?Haditallturnedaroundtooeasily?

ChapterFourteen

IwenthomewhenTJwenttosignthepaperworkintheoffice.We’dbothdecidedthatitwouldbe
smartertoletBarbieandhisdadstillthinkIwasinthedark.IftheythoughtIknewtheymightget
concernedatthepricetheywerepayingandneitherofuswantedthemtoinvestigatethatbeforethe
dealwentthrough.Iwasjustabouttoheadtothebathroomwhenthephonestartedringingandmy
heartstartedpoundingandmyheadwentcold.MyclammyhandsgrippedthephoneasIwentto
answeritandIdroppeditbeforequicklypickingitupandanswering.

IknewbeforeIknewit.I’mnotsurehow.Idon’tthinkI’mpsychicoranything.ButwhenIgotthe

call,Ijustknew.Ididn’tsayanything.IjustgotinmycaranddroveovertoNonno’s.Hewaspissed
ofcourse,he’dtoldmetowaitforhimtocomeandpickmeup.Iwasn’tgoingtowaitforthat.I
couldn’tsitaroundinthehouse,justwaiting.Ididn’tevencryonthedriveover.I’mproudofmyself
forthat.Ihadtobestrongnow.Itwasjustme.OrmaybeI’djustcriedtoomuchover,TJ.Maybethat
haddepletedmytears.

“Mila,”Codyopenedthedoor,hiseyesloving,redandheopenedhisarmsashesteppedforward.
“What’sgoingon?”Isaid,feelinglikeIwasplayingapart.“Where’sNonno?”
“Mila.”HesaidandIwatchedashechewedonhislowerlip.HisfacelookeddistressedandIasI

staredathim,itsuddenlyhitmeastowhySallythoughthewascute.Hewashandsome.AndIcould
saythatinacompletelyunbiasedway.Ididn’tevenknowwhyIwasthinkingaboutthatnow.Notafter
thecall.

“Where’sNonno,Ineedtospeaktohim.”
“He’satthehospital.Withmomanddad.”Hesaidslowlylookingatmecarefully.
“Thenlet’sgo.Hemostprobablywantstoseeme.”
“He’sgone,Mila.Itoldyou.”Hisvoicetrailedoff.“Momanddadthoughtitwouldbebetterfor

youtocomehere.Tobewiththephotosandhisspiritandstuff.”

“Thisisn’tfunny.”IpushedpastCody.“Nonno,whereareyou?Nonno.”Iranthroughthehouse.

“Thisisn’tafunnyjoke.Nonno.”IscreamedasIranintothekitchen.“Nonno,comeoutnow.”I
openedthefridgeandtheovenandallthecupboardsandslammedthem.“Nonno,comeoutnow.This
isn’tfunny.”Iscreamedagainandranintohisbedroom.Iranovertotheclosestsandopenedthem.
“Nonno,comeout.”Ishouted.“Thisisn’tfunny.”Tearsstartedtostreamdownmyface.“Nonno,it’s
me.It’sMila.Pleasestopit.”Iranintothebathroomandsawthebathinthebathtub,wherehemust
havefallenandIstartedscreamingandscreaming.“Nonno,youcan’tleaveme.OhNonno,youcan’t
leaveme.Nonno.”IcollapsedontothefloorofthebathroomandCodyrushedinnexttomeandsat
nexttome.

“Come,Mila.Let’sgointhelivingroom.”
“Hisblood’sstillonthebathtub.”Ijuststaredathimwailing.“Ididn’tevenknowhewassick.”
“Hedidn’ttellanyofus,Mila.”Codyheldmeclose.“Wedidn’tknow.Hehadcancer.He’shadit

forawhile.”

“He’dtellme.”Iscreamed.“He’dtellmebecausehelovesme.Imeantheworldtohim.Hewould

neverkeepasecretfromme.“Helovedme.”Iwhispered,mybodyshakingasCodyheldme.“How
couldhedieandnottellme?”ImutteredintohischestasIsobbed.Wesatthereforwhatseemedlike
hoursandthenIstoodupandwalkedintothelivingroom.Itriedtosmile.Itriedtofeelhappyforthe
lifethathe’dhad,butIcouldn’t.IsatdownonthecouchandwaitedforCodytowalkintotheliving
roombehindme.

“IwanttoseeNonno.”Isaidquietly.“Iwanttoseehim.”

“Nottoday.”Heshookhishead.“Hesplithisheadopenwhenhefell.Momanddadwanthim

takencareofproperlybeforeyouseehim.”

“Iwanttoseehim.”Isaidlouder.“Ineedtoseehim,Cody.”
“Iknowyouwanttoseehim.”Hewalkedovertome.“Butyoudon’twanttoseehimlikethis,

Mila.Youwanttoseehimasthemanthatyouknowandremember.Hewantsyoutoseehimasthe
manhewas.”

“Howcouldheleaveme?”Ichewedonmylowerlip.“Hewasn’tsupposedtodie.Notnow,not

withmenotevenknowing.Notwithmenotevenbeingthere.Ididn’tevengettosaygoodbye.Ididn’t
evengettotellhimaboutmeandTJ.”IchewedonmylowerlipasIthoughtaboutTJ.Italmostfelt
wrongtobesohappyaboutTJwhenIwassodistraughtoverNonno.

“WhataboutyouandTJ?”Codyasked,hiseyesnarrowing.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.”Ishookmyhead.“Butwe’reinlove,reallyinlove.”
“Finally.”Codysaidwithasmile.“Ittookhimawhiletofigureitout.”
“Yeah.”IsighedandthenlookedatNonno’sphotoalbumonthetableandpickeditup.“Iguess

he’swithNonnanow.”

“They’redancingaroundinheavenlookingdownatus.”CodysaidasIopenedthephotoalbum

andwestartedlookingatthephotosofNonnoandNonnaandotherfamilymembers.

“Ican’tbelievehedidn’ttellme.”Isaid,tearspouringfrommyeyes.“I’mgoingtomisshimso

much.”

“Helovedyouwitheverything,Mila.He’llalwaysbehereyouknow.”Codysaidandrubbedmy

back.“He’llalwaysbehere,protectingus,likeaguardianangel.”

“Idon’twanthimtobemyguardianangel.”Isobbed.“Ijustwanthimtobemynonno.”

***

“TJ.”Iansweredthephone,crying.

“OhMila.”Hesoundedanguished.“Ijustheardthenews.I’msosorry.”
“Ican’tbelievehe’sgone,TJ.Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingtodo.Ican’tbelieveit.Idon’tknow

howIcansurvive.”

“Hefoughtthecancerashardashecould,Mila.He’striedhishardest.Hedidn’twanttohurtyou.”

TJ’svoicewassympathetic.“Whereareyou?Letmecomeandbewithyou.Letmeholdyourhand.
Cryonmyshoulder.Iwanttobethereforyou.”

“Howdidyouknowhehadcancer?”Iaskedsoftly.“Andhowdoyouknowhefoughthishardest.”

MyheartfeltcoldasIwaitedforhisanswer.

“Mila.”Hesaid,hisvoicebreaking.
“TJ,answerme.
“Mila,letmecomeandseeyouplease.”
“Didyouknowhewasdying?”Iasked,myvoiceinmythroat.“DidyouknowNonnowasdying

andyoudidn’ttellme.”

“Hepromisedmenottosayanything.Hedidn’twantyoulivingwiththatfearanddread.Hedidn’t

wantyoutoknow.Hethoughtthewaitwouldkillyou.Hethoughtitwouldbeagony.”

“Youpromised,nomoresecrets.Wepromisedeachothertoonlytellthetruth.Youpromisedme,

TJ.”

“Icouldn’ttellyou,Mila.Ijustcouldn’t.”
“Ilovedhimmorethananythingintheworld.Youknewthat.Hediedwhilewewereaway.I

wasn’tevenheretobewithhim.I’vebarelyseenhimthelastmonthbecauseofyouandyouknewhe
wasdying.”

“Mila,Itriedtogetyoutoseehim.Iwantedtotellyou,butNonno,hedidn’twantyoutoknow.”
“Howcouldyoukeepthatfromme,TJ?”
“Iloveyou,Mila.I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantohurtyou.”
“Youdon’tknowwhatloveis,TJ.Youliedtomeagain.Youhaverippedmyheartout.Ihavelost

theonlymanthathaslovedmemorethanlifeitself.Howcouldyoudothistome?”AndthenIthrew
myphoneacrosstheroomandwatchedasithitthewallandfelltothegroundandexplodedintoa
millionpieces,justlikemyheart.

ChapterFifteen

Mila

Thebeatofmyheartwasinperfectsymmetrytothesoundofthebeatofthedrumontheradio.I
stoodthere,standinginmyroom,inthedarknessandpressedmyhandstogether.Asmallcryfell
frommylipsasTJ’sfacepassedthroughmymind.Iclosedmyeyestotryandbanishhisfacefrom
mythoughts,butthatdidn’thelp.Icouldonlyseeitbigger,brighter,clearer.Iopenedmyeyesagain
andwalkedtomybedslowly.Icollapseddownontothesheets,prayingthatsleepwouldtakemeright
away,butofcourseIwasn’ttobesolucky.Emptinessfilledme.Myheartfelthollowliketheinside
ofthehugeconchshellNonnoandIhadfoundonthebeachwhenIwasyounger.Ilookedovertothe
shelftotherightofthebedtostareattheshellthatIstilltreasuresothatIcouldconcentrateon
somethingotherthanTJ.Thatdidn’thelp.IcriedoutagainasTJ’sbrightgreeneyesflashedinmy
mindandallIcouldseewasthewarmthofhissmilefromafewdayssago.MyTJ.OhhowIloved
thisman.Everysingleinchofhim.Ijustwantedtoreachoutandtouchhim,Ineededtofeelhim,
wantedthatcontact.Justonelasttime.MybodyshiveredonthebedasIlaytherealone,tired,weary,
criedout.MyheartstartedtopoundasIrealizedthatIcouldquitepossiblydielikethis.Allalone.
Heartbroken.MoretiredthanI’deverfeltinmylife.Mylifeseemedpointlessandhopeless.Lifewas
soincrediblyunfair.Whyhadn’thelovedmeenoughtotellmeaboutNonno?Whydidn’thecare?
Couldn’theseethatweweremadeforeachother?Couldn’theseethatmyheartbeatforhim?
Couldn’theseehowstrongIwas?Ifoundmyeyesgentlyclosingasmysobsstartedupagain.I
grabbedmypillowandhelditclosetome,imaginingitwashim.ThepainshotthroughmybodyasI
laythereandafeelingofnausearosethroughme.Iwasn’tgoingtobeokay.Nothingwasevergoing
tobeokayagain.MyhearthadshatteredintoamillionpiecesandTJWalker,mysoulmate,didn’t
evenseemtocarethathewaspartiallyresponsible,bynottellingmethatmyNonnowasdying.

***

"Idon'tthinkIhaveaheartanymore.Ican'tfeelitbeating.Ican'thearitticking.Ithinkit'sleftmy
body."IsobbedtoSallyasshesatonmybedandheldme."Idon'tthinkI'mgoingtobeokayever
again.Icanbarelybreathe.Ican'tthink.Ijustwanttodie."

"OhMila.It'sokay.It'sgoingtobeokay."
"It'snotgoingtobeokay."Icried,mystomachfeelingmoreemptythaniteverhad.Ilookedupat

herbleakly."IfeellikeImeannothing.I'mnothing.I'minvisible."

"You'renotinvisible."
"AndyetIam.Idon'tmatter."
"Youdomatter,Mila,you'rescaringme."
"I'msorry,Idon'tevenknowwhattosay.IlostNonnoandtheonepersonIeverreallyandtruly

lovedhasrippedmyhearttopieces."

"TJdidn'tmean..."
"Ican'tevenhearhisname."Isobbed."Ican'teventhinkabouthimwithoutthepainburningmeup

inside.Ihatehimsomuch.Ihatehim.Ihatehim.Ihatehim.Ihatehim."

"OhMila."
"I'mnotwaitingforhim.I'mnotcryingforhim.I'mnotthinkingofhim.Idon'tlovehim.Idon't

lovehim."Thenthetearsstartedstreamingevenmore."OhGod,Ilovehimsomuchithurts."

“Callhim,Mila.”Sallylookeddownatmewithaworriedexpression.“Callhimandlethimknow

howyoufeel.”

“Idon’tknowhowIfeel.”
“Justspeaktohim.”
“Okay.”Inoddedfinallyandgrabbedmyphoneandwaitedforhimtoanswer.
“Mila?”HeaskedhopefullyandforasecondmyheartbeatjustalittlebitfasterasIheardhis

voice.ThenIquicklybanishedmymomentaryhappiness.

"Wecouldhavehaditall."Isaidnotsayinganythingelse.
"Orwecouldhavehadnothing."TJ'svoicewassad.
"Ilovedyou."
"Loved?Ithoughtloveneverdied."
"Itdied."
"Sothen,maybeitwasn'tlove."
"You'reanass."
"I'mjustsayinghowitis.Ifyoulovedme,pasttense,thenmaybeitwasn'treallylove."
"Yeah,maybeitwasn't."
"Justlust."
"Youwish."
"Infatuationthen."
"Yeah,that'sit."
"Obsession."
"I'mnotobsessed."
"MaybeIwas."
"Youwere?"
"Maybe."
"Isee."
"Maybeithurttoomuch."
"Beingobsessedhurt?"
"No."
"Thenwhat?"
"Beinginlove."Hiswordsweresoftnow.
"Withyourself?"
"No.Withsomeonewherethethoughtofeverhavingtosaygoodbyewastoohardtohandle."
"Isee."
"Doyou?"
"No."
"Maybesomepartofmejustknew."
"Knewwhat?"Iwasannoyednow.
"Itdoesn'tmatter."Heshookhishead.
"Okay."Isaidandturnedaway,thenlookedtowardsSallyandsmiledbrightly."IthinkI'mgoing

togonow.I'vethingstodo."Myheartthuddedpainfully,butIdidn'twanthimtoknowjusthowbadly
he'dhurtme.

"Itdoesn'tdie."Hesaidsoftly,hisvoicetingedwithalightofdesperationandsadness.
"Whatdoesn'tdie?"
"Love.Ifyouhadreallylovedme,itwouldn'thavedied."HepausedandIstaredattheceilingfor

whatseemedlikeaneternitybeforeturningbacktothephone.“IwantedtotellyouaboutNonno,
Mila.Ireallydid.Iregretitmorethananything.ButIcan’ttakeitback.Pleasedon’tgiveuponme.
ThisiswhatIwasafraidof.ThisiswhyIdidn’twanttoloveyou.ThisiswhyIdidn’twanttoletyou
in.Iwasscaredsomethinglikethiswouldhappenandyouwouldjustwalkaway.Iwasscaredyou’d

justgiveuponus.Ifyoureallylovedme,youwouldunderstandMila.You’dknowthatthiswas
somethingIcouldn’tgiveyou.Notwithoutbetraying,Nonno.Youhavetogrowup,Mila.Youhaveto
understandthatyou’llbeokay.Iknowyoumightnotlovemeanymore,butwecanstilltry.”Hewas
silentthenandsowasI.ItwasinthatmomentthatIgaveuponhim,onus,oneverythingI'dseenin
mymind’seye.ItwasinthatmomentthatIknewthathecouldneverbemyone.He,whohadturned
myworldaround,didn'tgetme,didn'tunderstandme,didn'trealizethatafteralltheseyears,hewas
everythingtome.Hedidn’tunderstandthatmylovewasforever.Hecouldn’tcomprehendthatI
wouldnevernotlovehimanymore.ButIknewthatIhadtotry.Theendhadcomebeforethe
beginningandIwasfinallyreadytoletgo.

ChapterSixteen

TJ

DearTJ,

Doyourememberthedaythatyouaskedmetoneverforgetyou?Asimplerequest.Ididn'tthink

muchofit.Wewereyoungthen."Neverforgetmeyousaid",youreyesbrightandhopeful."Of
course,I'dneverforgetyou,"Isaid,asIgiggled.I'veneverimaginedatimewhenyouwouldn'tbein
mymind.HowcouldIforgettheboythatmeantsomuchtome?ThiswasevenbeforeIknewwhat
thatfeelingwas.HowcouldIeverforgetthemanwhosesmilesandfrownsturnedmyheartupside
down?IthoughtI'dgotomygravewaitingforyou,ifthatwashowlongittook,suchwasmylove.

Igaveuptoday.Thepainistoomuch.Myheartistoosore.Ican'twaitanymore.Idon'twantto

keepfallingfallingfallingintoyourabyssofasoul.Idon'twanttorememberyou.Idon'twanttosee
yoursmilesforanyone,butme.Itdrivesmecrazy,wantingyousobadly,butnotbeingabletotell
you,notbeingabletoloveyou.Ineverimaginedalongingsocutting,anachingsounfamiliar.I
neverknewwhatitwastofeelbrokeninpieces.Whenyoulookintomyeyesandsmile,itstilllights
upmyheart.ItstillmakesmefeellikeI'mspecial.HowIwishthatweretrue.

SoI'msorry,Ican'thonormypromise.Ican'tneverforgetyou.Ican'tdothisanymore.
Mila
DearMila,
Youwerewearingawhiteshirtwithagreencardigan.Yourhairwaspulledback,slightlymessy.

Youhadonasoftpinklipstick,lightmascara.Youwereexcitedbecauseyouweregoingtoaconcert
thenextdaywithSallyandyouhadgoodseats.Youweredancingaroundthelivingroomwitha
waterbottlesingingalongtosomehorribleTop40song.Youstoppedabruptlywhenyousawme
standingtherewatchingyou.Andthenyoustartedlaughing.AndthenIstartedlaughingandyouthrew
acouchcushionatmeforlaughingatyou.Eventhough,ItoldyouIwaslaughingwithyou.Your
eyesnarrowedandyouglaredatmeandIlaughedsomemore,myeyesonyourlips,wonderingfor
thebriefestofsecondswhatitwouldbeliketokissyou.Thenyouwalkedclosertomeandhitmein
theshoulderandImovedbackabruptly,slightlyuncomfortableatthetouch.NotbecauseIdidn'tlike
you,butbecauseitmademefeelsomethingelectrifying.Awaveofworryanddisappointment
crossedyourfeaturesforthebriefestofsecondswhenIsteppedback.AndIknewI'dhurtyou.AndI
hatedthat.Ithenreachedover,brushedawispofhairfrominfrontofyoureyesandyougrinnedat
me.Andinthatmoment,inthatmoment,Iknewyouweresomeonespecial.AndIsaidtoyou,
"Promisemethatyou'llneverforgetmeandthatwe'llalwaysbefriends."Isaidthat"ifanythingever
happenstousandweareeversplitbyacontinentorsomeunknownsituation,Iwantyoutoalways
remembermeandtowait,towaitformetofindyou,becauseIwouldalwaysfindyouandIwould
alwaysrememberyou."Andyousmiledatmehappilyandsaid,"ofcourse,you'dneverforgetme."
Andmyheartbeatthen,forwhatfeltlikethefirsttime.AndIknewthatinthatmoment,Iwoulddo
anythingtokeepyouinmymemory.inmyheart.Inmysoul.

Soyes,dearMila,Irememberthatmoment.Iremembereverymoment.IknowitseemslikeI've

foranabyssofasoul,butIdon't.ThehardestpartofbeingmeisholdingbackfromyouwhenallI
wanttodoisholdyoucloseforaneternity.

Youdon'thavetohonoryourpromise,butI'llalwaysbehere.I'llalwaysrememberyouandI'll

alwaysbeherewaiting.Waitingforthedaywhenitdoesn'thavetobethishard.

TJ

ChapterSeventeen

TJ

TwoWeeksLater

MyheartwasracingasImademywayovertoCody’shouse.He’dtoldmetocomeover.Hetoldme
thatMilaknewIwascoming.Andyet,Iwasstillunsureanduncertainastoherreactiontowardsme.
Whatwouldshesay?Howwouldshefeel?She’dneverrespondedtomyletter.AndIhadn’twantedto
harassherandbombardherwithcallsandtexts.Iwasdyingtoseeher.Dyingtohearfromher,butI
knewI’dfuckedup.IknewIhadn’tbeenthemanshe’dneededandnowIhadtobepatient.

IrushedupthestairstoCody’shouseandpoundedonthedoor,anxietykillingme.
“Hey,”Milaansweredthedoor,herbrowneyesfriendlybuthesitant.
“Hey.”Isaid,mythroatdry.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Shewashere,infrontofme,asbeautifulas

ever.“Codyinvitedmeover.”

“Iknow.”Shenodded.“He’snothere.”Sheusheredmein.“Iwantedtotalktoyou.”
“Oh?”Isaid,mybodyturningcold.“Why?”
“Becausethere’ssomething—”
“Wait.”Iheldmyhandup.“Beforeyousayanything,Ineedtotalktoyou.”
“Okay.”Shefrowned.“Goahead.”
“Iwrotethisforyou.”IclearedmythroatandstartedtorecitethepoemI’dwritten.“Ilovedyou

foramillionyears.

AndthenImetyou.
Andmyloveforyouwasmorethanmyheart.
Myheartwasmorethanmysoul.
Mysoulwasmorethantheuniverse.
Theuniversewaslessthanmylove.
Ilovedyouthen.
Iloveyounow.
Iloveyouforever.
Tildeathdouspart.
AndthenI’llloveyouforamillionyearsmore.”
ShejuststaredatmeinsilenceandIclearedmythroat.
“Iwroteitbecausealongtimeago,yousaidyourperfectmen,yoursoulmate,hewouldwrite

youlovepoems.AndIwantedtoprovetoyouthatI’myoursoulmate.Yourfateddestiny.Theone
you’vebeenwaitingfor.Theonethatwasmadeforyou.IknowI’manidiotandanasshole.AndI
knowIhavealottolearn.AndI’mnotperfectandmaybesometimesIdon’tactlikethatguy,butI’m
him.IwantyoutoknowthatI’mhim.IwanttospendtherestofmylifeshowingyouthatI’mhim.
CanIspendtherestofmylifeshowingyouhowmuchIloveyouandwanttobewithyou?”Ipaused
andstaredatMila’sface,mybreathcomingfast.“Saysomething,please?”

“Iloveyou,TJWalker.”Hereyeswerebrimmingwithtears.“Thesearehappytearsbytheway.I

loveyousomuch,youdon’tevenknow.Youarealreadymyperfectman.Youwillalwaysbemy
perfectman.”

“Areyoujustsayingthat?”Isaid,knowingIwouldbreaksomething,ifshesaidyes.
“No.”Shegrinnedandsteppedtowardsmeandgavemeakiss.“Nonnoleftmealetter.Hetoldme

off.”Shelaughed.“HewrotethatheknewIwouldbepissedatyouandmostprobablywouldstop
talkingtoyou.HesaidheknewIwouldthinkyoudidn’tloveortrustmeenough.HetoldmethatI

shouldbeproudtobewithamanthatlovedandrespectedhimenoughtoupholdhispromise.Hesaid
thatIshouldn’tbeanidiotandIshouldbegratefultohimforgettingustotogetherandtonotmessit
up.”Shelaughedandtouchedmyface.“IlaughedandIcriedreadinghisletter.OhTJ,Istillhurtso
much,butIneedyoutoknow.Iwantyoutoknow.Iloveyoumorethananything.Ialwayshave.I
alwayswill.Youaremyeverything.Nothingcaneverpartus.Youknowthatright?”

“Iknow.”Igrinnedatherandkissedherhard.“Iknowthatwe’reit.Forever.Idon’twantyoufor

fourweeks,Mila.Iwantyoufortherestofmylife.Willyoumarrymeandmakemethehappiestman
intheworld?”

“Ohyes,TJ.Ohyes.I’llbeyourforeverwife.”AndthenIkissedhergoodandhardandpromised

myselfthatIwouldneverlethergo.”

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