The Halo Chronicles: The Guardian @page { margin-bottom: 5.000000pt; margin-top: 5.000000pt; } THE HALO CHRONICLES: THE GUARDIAN CAREY CORP � � The Halo Chronicles: The Guardian by Carey Corp Copyright © 2011 by Carey Corp Digital ISBN: Published by Carey Corp Cover by Carey Corp Photos used to design cover were legally obtained from Shutterstock.com All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form in whole or in part without written permission from the author, with the exception of brief quotations for book reviews or critical articles. Kindle Edition, License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, or actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental. For my village, I could not do this without you! � � � CHAPTER 1 When I was a little girl, I thought the shadows could harm me. I was terrified of them. Then I learned there are far worse things in this world than the absence of light. Things like hate, racism, pure evil, and high school. Yep, that’s what I said, high school. Most people overlook the real darkness of the world, seeing instead average citizens�"adults mostly, some teens, a few kids, an occasional teacher�"but I see them for what they are: monsters. Now I look for the shadows, welcome them even. There’s safety in shadows. Especially when your only goal in high school, in life, is to be invisible. * Seven long blocks. I tell myself that’s all it is�"a cake walk. Basically, I lie. Kate and Steven, the latest in a long line of do-gooder foster parents, have already left for the day, so I linger on their freshly painted front porch taking in the variations of pastel blue and antique white gingerbread trim. Inhaling deeply, the pungent chemical smell of the paint slices through my fear allowing me to clear my head. The acrid scent is strangely soothing. For a minute, I regret not accepting the ride offered to me. Kate wanted to stay. Drive me to the first day of school, my being new and all. But I told her that’s not the way it’s done when you’re a sophomore. She got it and let the subject drop. She’s good that way. I shut the front door, which is the same shade of red as a Christmas poinsettia, taking extra care to use the spare key and return it to the inner pocket of my new backpack. Looking down, my eyes trace the bottom edge of my jeans as they rest against my new Ed Hardy sneakers. The shoes match my top perfectly, both a vivid shade of electric purple– not a color I’m entirely comfortable with. The whole outfit’s new, like the backpack and my haircut. At Kate’s insistence, I capitulated to a back-to-school shopping spree. It seemed to make her sublimely happy to dress me up like Suburban Barbie, and since I don’t care too much one way or the other, I thought it was the right thing to do. So, I now have a new, colorful wardrobe that puts me in the same category as the porch�"recently overhauled. But I miss my faded army jacket with its oversized sleeves and holes worn clean through the pockets. As I contemplate the walk before me, my heart squeezes in a familiar, unpleasant way that proves, contrary to my makeover, nothing has changed. Nothing ever really does. Just seven blocks. And Kate’s already gone because I told her I would be fine, that I could handle the first day all by myself. I lied. Does it make a difference that I’m sorry when I have to lie? I like to think so�"but it doesn’t make the lie harder to tell the next time. It’s not any easier either, so that’s something. Regardless, lying is what I’m good at. So, I tell myself today will be just fine; that there’s nothing to be afraid of. And despite the cramping in my stomach, I leave the safety of the pretty porch and begin to walk. School starts in forty-five minutes. If I amble, I’ll reach Midlands High just as the warning bell rings; I’ve made three dry runs already this week. Even though I have an assigned locker, I don’t plan on using it. To use a locker I would have to stop, turn my back on people. High school’s about staying in motion, staying invisible. But I am conspicuously purple. And � no longer have my army jacket.� To console myself, I make believe Derry’s at my side, striding along on his gangly legs, his still-developing center of gravity causing a jerkiness to his gait. Derry’s the only friend I’ve ever had. He’s gone. Missing for thirty-six days. I know this because I’ve been with Kate and Steven Foster precisely thirty seven-days. I don’t tell the Fosters this�"not that they wouldn’t go out of their way to try and help me�"it’s just, Derry is personal. Six blocks to go. Like a countdown to an execution, or the tolling of the bells at midnight, the blocks vanish beneath my feet as I move toward something sinister and ominous. It doesn’t help to change direction, no matter which way I go, I’m always moving toward it. Never away. Never toward safety. At the corner, I turn right onto Midlands Avenue. As my new shoes shuffle along the perfectly square blocks of sidewalk, I look in vain for flaws in the cement. The morning is so crisp that the details of the neighborhood are a sharp assault to my senses. On both sides of the street, lush, manicured lawns gently slope toward stately, old homes. Flowers bloom from every possible surface in a profusion of colors. The wind brushes against me and I realize that here, even the breeze is pleasant. For a moment I long to be back at The Children’s Center with its cracked, crumbling pavement and tenaciously growing weeds. There, the air was stale but familiar. I think about the Center, the closest thing I can call home, for the next two blocks and wonder for the millionth time where Derry is. He can’t take care of himself. He needs me. And just maybe, I need him. Maybe I need one person in this cursed life to care about me�"someone I can care about in return. Then I wonder if I’m asking too much. Four more blocks. When I reach Fort Thomas Avenue I turn left, surveying the tidy landscaping and brick accents that give the wide street a small-town charm I instantly distrust. In my experience, places that look like this, so safe one feels a false sense of utopia, are the worst. Nowhere is safe. To my right are snappy little shops with green awnings and thriving flower boxes. They’re closed this time of the morning. Idly, I wonder if Kate shops there and whether she’ll take me with her sometime. One store’s a used CD place. Maybe I’ll stop there on the way home, if the day doesn’t turn out to be too bad. I’m always looking for more music. With a swift stab of pain, I realize it doesn’t matter anyway. I no longer own the MP3 player I got for Christmas as a charity gift. It was dark pink and came with a gift card for 200 downloads, which wasn’t nearly enough since my tastes are eclectic. I gave it to Derry and can’t bring myself to regret the decision, even though it was fully loaded and not an appropriate color for a boy. It was the only part of me I could leave behind for him when I had to go. When Derry listens to all my favorite bands, I hope he thinks of me. At least a little. The foot traffic’s heavier now. Kids strolling along in noisy groups. Most wearing shorts, since it’s August. They look bright and shiny, and rich. It occurs to me I’ve never been to a school this nice, and maybe, because of the affluence, it’ll be different. Better. I try to picture what it would be like to stay here in this place, but the harder I focus the more the idea becomes intangible, dissipating like the morning fog. It’s as if I’m trying to capture something that doesn’t exist�"something that never can, for me. Rounding the next corner, I see the dark spot. Just off the main road, on Orchard Avenue, lurks a clump of guys. On the surface they look normal, but my skin crawls. There are just three of them, but my heart starts to pound in an all-too-familiar nauseating way, and I consider turning around. Skipping school. But I don’t want to disappoint Kate and Steven. Their home feels safe. I’ve never had that before and I want it. Even if it’s foolish. Even if it can’t last. Loosening my dark hair from behind my ears, I hunch my shoulders, ducking into myself. But my newly cut hair is too short to hide behind. And I don’t have the safety of my jacket. Diverting my eyes, I stare at the sidewalk in front of me, feeling highly vulnerable. I regret declining the designer sunglasses Kate wanted to buy me. If I had sunglasses I could observe things better. The three boys notice as I pass. I don’t look, but can feel their repulsive attention all the same. Bile starts to churn in my stomach, rising. My heart’s rioting beneath my ribcage as I pick up my pace. Less than three blocks to go. The pristine sidewalks are congested with well-dressed kids. Excited chattering surrounds me adding to my anxiety. My stomach rumbles in protest, and I’m glad I’ve not eaten. New environments often make me sick. I’ve learned to take precautions. Two blocks. The last two blocks are shorter. Up ahead I can see the three story brick citadel of Midlands High School being overrun with shiny, happy people�"for the most part, that’s what they are�"and I allow myself a brief smile at the R.E.M. reference. Though my reaction’s lessening, I’m still cautious. Ahead of me in the semi-circular courtyard, I spot a potential problem. Just one boy, a blob of battleship gray in the buttery sea of students. I alter my course, giving him a wide berth. He doesn’t pay any attention to me, which is just the way I like it. Mentally I review my plan. Visualizing my route using the class schedule and campus map I’ve memorized, I cross the street with the oblivious herd of kids and resign myself to the horrors of high school. Main building, second floor, left wing. First period Math. Algebra. My heart pounds madly, like a jackhammer on steroids. I focus on my unsullied, purple shoes as I weave my way through the heaving mass of kids, trusting my senses to alert me to any real danger. The worst part of a new school is getting the proverbial lay of the land. Interpreting the cliques and teachers, identifying who’s got power and who just thinks they do. Most of all who to avoid. Not the obvious bullies or bitchy popular girls, but the truly malicious, malignant ones. This is my fifth school in two years. I have made surviving an art. Relieved to make it to first period without incident, I’m slipping through the classroom doors when uncontrollable sensations assault me. Palpable dread, a leaden ball in my stomach. My mouth goes dry as my heart slams against my ribs, faltering before it speeds up. I inhale sharply, knowing the danger’s in the back of the room on the side closest to the door. With a sidelong glance, I look. The boy stares apathetically at his desk, his acne-pocked face sullen. Long greasy hair, dyed an inky black, hangs limply around his shoulders. He looks quiet, almost wimpy, but surrounding him is a cloud of churning ash that keeps obscuring him from my view. Crap! It’s hard to remember exactly when I first started seeing people as light and darkness. I was very young and already on my own. The first time I saw someone truly dark�"almost black�"I wet myself. I was six. I slump forward, shuffling to the opposite corner of the room near the window. The class isn’t yet full and no one seems to notice my bizarre behavior as I slide into a first row seat. Gripping my desk with both hands, I focus on yogic breathing techniques as the room fills. In this instance, they help. I don’t see auras. No pretty colors or hippy dippy philosophies. I see variations of good and evil that halo the entire body and my physiological processes react accordingly. I’ve little control over either phenomenon. And I can’t turn it off�"pretend I don’t see. Halos are like a color scale ranging from black to gold to white. The center’s neutral, no color or halo of any kind. On one side there’s good, a spectrum of yellows, starting out faint hazy goldenrod, growing brighter and lightening into clear white brilliance. The other side’s bad, starting as an ethereal dull silver mist, turning gray then charcoal, before darkening into the still blackness of pure evil. With an energy all its own, a halo’s pattern and movement mirrors its owner’s emotional and moral states. The boy in the back of the room is angry. Hurt, pissed, out for revenge. His halo tumbles around him like an ominous storm cloud. As I continue to breathe, the classroom fills. With more bodies between the dark boy and me, the sensations abate. By the time the teacher, and his very bright halo, enter the class, I’m sure I can make it�"for now, at least. Mr. Ramirez, as he introduces himself, begins to take roll. John Avers. Mindy Butler. Stacey Bucchanan. I listen intently for the name of the boy in the back. Geena Davies. Luke Davis. Graham Ernst.� Alexia Grabovski. I listen so intently I don’t recognize my own name as it’s called. Alexia Grabovski. It’s only after the third time the teacher says it that I react. Alexia Grabovski. �śHere.” It comes out as a squeak. Feeling the collective eyes of the class�"including the boy�"staring at me, I meet Mr. Ramirez’s amused gaze. �śDaydreaming already, Miss Grabovski?” �śNo, sir.” I shake my head back and forth a few times. Mr. Ramirez goes back to his list and I gulp before regaining his attention. My cheeks burn with humiliation, as I unavoidably prolong the spotlight. �śUh, Mr. Ramirez?” He pauses. �śIt’s Alex, not Alexia.” He makes a note on his paper, giving me a warm smile. �śOkay, Alex.” He’s surrounded by a thin but solid layer of ecru. If I were staying, I would probably like him. A lot. But I’m not�"staying. And I'm not Alexia. Alexia is a pert girl on the cheerleading squad, who spends her time shopping and dreaming of prom. The kind of girl who’d carry a rat-dog around in her handbag. Someday she’ll trade in her pink bedroom for a sorority house full of other cheerful, aptly-named sisters. She has her whole bright future ahead of her. I am not that girl. My name’s Alex. I spend my days trying to dodge the darkness and, if possible, stay one step ahead of it. The most I can hope for is to make it to my eighteenth birthday so I can get out of the system and fade into obscurity. I take one day at a time, trying my best not to look ahead�"the future terrifies me. By the end of roll call, I learn the dark boy’s name is Jonah. Jonah Wilkes. * Second period French. So far so good. I sit down next to a frizzy, red-haired girl with glasses and hand-me-down clothes. She’s benign�"harmless�"I’m sure of it. Her halo’s gossamer lemon chiffon. Most people have very vague halos, slightly good or bad, but for the most part neutral. They may waver with emotion and circumstance, but generally remain on either one side or the other. There are a lot of �śgood” people surrounded by faint gray halos. These are the people who make the right choices for wrong reasons. The ones that would do wrong if there was no consequence or chance of getting caught. For the most part, society keeps them in check. Those faintly gray people don’t bother me. On the flip side there are those who do wrong for the right reasons, like Robin Hood. They possess some of the brightest, most clearly-defined halos I’ve ever seen. Ironically, often a school’s bad boy is a rebel with heart of gold. And a golden halo to prove it. The brighter or darker a person’s halo becomes the more fundamental it is to their make-up. They’re the ones who choose to do good or evil because of their own moral compass, regardless of external expectations. Then there are those rare people who embody goodness or evil. I’ve never seen any up close but I come across them on the news occasionally. Mother Teresa and, at the opposite end of the spectrum, Adolf Hitler are the most famous examples I can think of. The first and only time I saw an image of Hitler, I threw up. The French professeur, Madame Mimi, is one of those outwardly nice people who really isn’t nice at all. She’s surrounded by a light fog the color of dirty cement. As she commences the morning’s le�żon, I idly wonder if she talks about students behind their backs. Two-faced fits her. The whole class has to choose French names. I pick Jeanne, like Jeanne d’Arc. My own grim joke. But no one’s laughing, not even me. The lemon chiffon girl, I learn, is Becke Finch. I cross Jonah’s path again in third period Biology, but now that I’m more used to him, I know what to expect. Also his halo’s shifting, less chaotic and lighter by the time we’re dismissed. He reminds me of a child, the way his halo fluctuates. Children can vary greatly in a short amount of time as their emotional state changes, even flipping from light to dark and back again. They don’t have a developed voice of reason to keep them grounded and without it are often slaves to the feelings of the moment. That seems to fit for Jonah, somehow. Suddenly, I’m feeling hopeful. Maybe he simply needs an outlet for his emotions, a friend or a therapist. It’s too soon to know for sure, and I’ll probably be gone long before I can discover the answer. But I find myself wishing for his sake, that his friends might make a difference in his life. After fourth period Government, I sit alone at a corner table in the cafeteria eating a BLT sandwich, carrots, Pringles, and a Vitamin Water. Kate offered to send me with lunch money, but I don’t like taking things. Room and board’s hard enough. As I eat, I try to ignore the other tables of tightly packed kids. I’ve seen it all before�"tons of times. High school seems to follow the rules of nature, birds of the same species flocking together. A couple of the tables are noticeably darker, mostly misfits, pariahs, an occasional Goth. There are the few bright tables of the overachievers and honors kids, glowing like beams of sunlight. The predominant tables, though, are a mix of popular kids, their halos, while encompassing both light and dark, are equally weak. They lack substance and definition. Then in the far corner, completely alone, is the roiling halo of Jonah Wilkes. After lunch is English, not one of my favorite subjects. Reading aloud embarrasses me and every English teacher I’ve ever known has had a hard-on for making the shy kids read in front of the class. When I walk into English, I’m prepared for that. I’m even prepared for Jonah Wilkes, sulking in the back of the class. What I’m not prepared for is Mr. Abernathy. He’s watching the door, evaluating the students as they enter, sizing up the guys and ogling the girls. Instantly my stomach cramps and my bowels turn watery. I breathe through it, then mumbling an excuse, turn around and sprint for the bathroom down the hall. I spend a few minutes splashing cold water on my face and calculating my chances of transferring to another class. When I return he’s waiting, smiling at me in an uncomfortable way. Mr. Abernathy is swathed in cold, smooth gunmetal. He leaves a metallic taste in my mouth that makes me want to grimace. �śAlexia Grabovski, I presume.” His voice is jovial, adding to the ick factor. He runs a manicured hand through his expensively tousled hair before gesturing toward an open desk. �śPlease take a seat. Join us, Alexia.” The only seats left are in the front row. I wonder why? The class snickers as he places a not-so-fatherly hand just behind my shoulder, careful not to actually touch me, and guides me to the front center seat. My skin crawls. If I hesitate even a fraction of a second he’ll bump into me causing �śaccidental” contact. Without stopping to question how I know, I realize he’s used this ploy before. With a tight smile, I slip away from him and take the seat on the end. �śI prefer to be called Alex,” I say, after swallowing back the vomit that’s lodged in my throat. The wall behind his desk is covered with accolades. Awards and articles highlighting him as teacher of the century. He follows me as the class begins to lose interest and pursue their own conversations. Standing benignly off to my right side, he bends forward slightly so his stale breath brushes against the sensitive skin of my collarbone but still not close enough to seem inappropriate. His smile holds polite yet professional interest at odds with the dark sphere of menace that encircles him. Bile rises in my throat and I swallow it down with a gag. I kick myself for being a naive idiot�"for not skipping school, for actually wanting to stay, however briefly, with the Fosters. For believing things might be different this time. Mr. Abernathy’s husky voice is nearly covered by the din of the class. �śAll comfy now, Alexia?” Contorting in my seat, I look him straight in the eyes. His pupils are so dilated that his watery blue eyes look black. Up close, his expensive cologne has a stench like sour bodies�"another byproduct of my condition. It fills my nose, mixing with the metal taste on my tongue and causing my stomach to cramp even worse. Fighting the urge to put my head between my knees, I try to distract myself by thinking up a nickname for him. I decide on Mr. Creepy. Mr. Creepy stares. His fingertips twitch, as if resisting the urge to touch me. And I can’t help but wonder what if this weren’t such a public setting? After a long, uncomfortable pause he whispers, �śAlexia.” The way he says it makes me feel exposed, like I’m spread-eagle in my underwear. The taste in my mouth is nearly unbearable. I stifle a gag as my voice comes out low and pained. �śIt’s Alex.” His reply’s a whisper. �śYou shouldn’t be afraid of who you are. When you get older like me, you’ll realize Alexia is a gorgeous name.” He’s looking down at me, only not at my face. I feel violated, numb, but refuse to let it show. �śAre we going to have a lesson today? Or just talk about what old people know?” Lips twisting into something akin to a grin, his gaze travels lazily upward to my face. But there’s malice in his eyes. Still, he lingers. �śTouché, Alexia.” Strolling back to his desk, he makes a pretense of reviewing his papers while really he’s leering at a couple making out in the back of the class. From my vantage point in the front, I follow his gaze to where the guy’s got his hands on his girlfriend’s ass as she perches on the edge of his desk. Mr. Creepy’s getting off on it. Suddenly, his eyes shift to me and I get caught watching. Flushing with excitement, he continues to pointedly hold my gaze as his halo coils around him like a snake. He wants me to know that he saw me. Unfortunately, I do. Feigning a look of shock, Mr. Creepy clears his throat then frowns at the couple disapprovingly. �śLet’s begin,” he says. Although speaking to the entire class, his eyes dart to mine secretively before sliding away. Then directed to the girl-half of the couple he orders, �śPlease take your seat, Miss Bennett.” He spends the entire lecture seated, lounging behind his desk. His relaxed posture, like every gesture and every question, is calculated. Whenever he looks in my direction his eyes make me feel dirty�"like he’s projecting pornographic thoughts. Five minutes before the end of class his eyes turn feverish and he dismisses us early. I try to get the heck out of there but get stuck behind a couple of slow kids, one of the last ones to exit. Waiting anxiously for my turn to leave, I try to ignore my glassy-eyed teacher and his x-rated thoughts pummeling me from across the room as I make my escape. I wonder why none of the other students seem to notice something’s amiss. Maybe on top of everything else, I’m beginning to hallucinate. Then I realize they can’t see his halo, which undulates about him in stilted, jerky motions. In my peripheral vision I see him lick his nonexistent lips. He smirks, knowing he has my undivided attention. His dark halo continues to thrust. I have to get the hell out! Stumbling out the door, I bump into Jonah. His halo’s darkened again into charcoal, but it doesn’t bother me at this particular moment. His pale eyes, however, are unnerving as he regards me uncomfortably, with something that could pass for sympathy. �śFuckin’ teachers,” he mumbles before ducking his head and shuffling away. In Physical Education, I’m grateful there are no dark ones to avoid. I’m also grateful it’s the first day and we’re not expected to do anything other than watch a video. Hurray for Coach Mann and her school-bus-yellow halo! After school, I try, unsuccessfully, to switch English classes. By the time I leave Midlands, the place is deserted and it kind of feels good not to be looking over my shoulder.� I don’t think about tomorrow or the fact that I probably won’t last a week in Mr. Creepy’s class. I won’t think about having to leave Kate and Steven’s so soon. Instead, I decide to go to the used CD store and blow what little money I’ve managed to save on music. After the hellish day I’ve just survived, I’m entitled to indulge. So I begin compiling a list of bands in my head. Just as the green awnings of the local shops come into view, something overhead captures my attention. It’s like a blazing light streaking across the sky, but low and close. Like a meteor about to crash into earth, or a plane falling from the sky�"but there’s no smoke. If it’d been night, I’d believe it was a shooting star. But stars can’t visibly burn in broad daylight, can they? It vanishes just beyond the shops, leaving me momentarily blinded and anxiously listening for some sort of inevitable collision that never happens. This is why I’m distracted�"why I’m not thinking about Orchard Avenue and the clump of dark ones�"until it’s too late. �śHey, new girl!” I hear and feel them at the same time. Instant, flu-like pain has me cramping forward, clutching at my abdomen. My heart accelerates into an arrhythmic staccato. Fear is sharp and tangy in my mouth, like an old penny. I freeze, wondering if it’s too late to run. Then, I feel him behind me. My skin prickles at my hairline just before he grabs my shoulder, spinning me around. My heart sinks. There aren’t just three guys, but six or seven. Only a few are dark ones, the rest pale gray followers. The one in front of me is the color of lead pipe. He might be considered cute, but it’s difficult to see objectively through the filter of his sickening halo. He steps back, appraising me with a smirk. �śHey, I hear you’re so hot for Mr. Abernathy you were practically giving it to him in English today.” The boys laugh. The air whooshes from my lungs as I’m shocked into silence. Toward the back of the group, I see Jonah. He looks at me, maybe apologetically, then mumbles, �śI’m out.” Turning his back to the dark intentions of his associates, he leaves. I watch his halo darken and churn as he retreats. A finger snaps in front of my eyes, interrupting my reverie. �śOver here, new girl.” Closing my eyes against a wave of nausea, I concentrate on edging backwards, away from the kid in front of me. I manage two steps before meeting a wall of solid mass. Two of the boys have circled around behind me, a predatory move I should’ve anticipated. I shudder, my eyes popping open, as they put their hands on my body. Their leader leers gleefully at me, checkmate in his expression. �śBring her this way,” he growls to them. They push me roughly forward. One cups my ass as he walks. Nearly incapacitated by their halos, I shuffle forward, too sick to resist, let alone fight back. My brain feels thick, feverish as I struggle to make it work, at the same time willing myself not to pass out. Scream, I think to myself. Scream, you idiot! By now, I’m in the small side yard between two houses obscuring me from public view. Which is very bad. The hostile energy thrumming through the group takes tangible form as everything slows down. It’s nearly an out of body experience. High in the sky overhead I notice a dark cumulus cloud as it drifts in front of the sun, blocking out the light. The resulting gloom reminds me that I need to do something, before the light is swallowed up for good. But what? The blazing sun returns, blinding me as my consciousness snaps back to the present. I suck a deep, ragged breath into my chest, readying myself to scream. The action signals my attacker that I’m intending to fight back. His hand comes up again my windpipe. Hard. A line of crushing pain, like the impact of a lead pipe, explodes across my neck. Nausea makes me need to hurl but I’m pinned against the wall of a house and I can’t breathe�"can’t get any air at all! Frantically, I claw at his hands until he barks, �śHold her.” More hands brace me. Spots dance in front of my eyes and I feel sleepy. With relief, I realize I want to go to sleep. Everything will be okay, I think, if I can just sleep. The kid in front of me dissolves as everything fades away. For the first time in my life, I’m happy to embrace the darkness. Several things happen all at once. The sun emerges from behind the cloud, illuminating everything in brilliant light. As I squint against the glow, the kid lets go of my windpipe. The others release me as well and I drop to the ground, clutching at my throat and dragging in ragged breaths of air. Two seconds pass. Around me is noise, commotion my oxygen deprived brain can’t process. Finally I’m able to sift through the sounds. Fighting. I hear an unfamiliar voice roar, �śIf you touch her again, I’ll kill you!” I believe the voice. He means it. I hear the sounds of shuffling. Low moans and curses. Sounds of retreat. The roaring voice is gentler now. Laced with concern, it asks, �śAre you all right?” Surprised, I surmise it’s talking to me so I manage a nod. I can hear the voice hovering over me but when I open my eyes I only see light. Blinding, brilliant-white light radiates around the voice. Blinking rapidly against the bright onslaught, I strain to focus on the speaker. In the middle of the light is the most exquisite boy I’ve ever seen. His face is both achingly perfect and terrifyingly severe. You’re beautiful! The words slip through my mind and past my lips before I can censure them. Surprise, followed closely by relief, registers in his eyes. Then he smiles at me�"a joyous, lustrous smile that crashes over me. I should be having a nervous breakdown or something, but somehow the boy fills me, keeping all other reactions at bay. I am swallowed by the sun. CHAPTER 2 �śThank goodness you’re all right.” There’s a tiny hitch in his voice that I don’t think I’m supposed to hear. Holy crap! The boy with the voice kneels over me. He’s so luminous my eyes water as I painfully squint up at him in awe. He makes a small noise between a gasp and a chuckle, and shifts slightly. It no longer hurts to look at him. Now that he’s not silhouetted against the glaring sun, I realize he’s not the angel I nearly mistook him for�"just a boy. A heartbreakingly gorgeous one. His tousled, golden hair captures the shimmering light as he assesses me with celestial blue eyes. Falling into their depths, I encounter intelligence and humor. I brush against his soul, as his halo grows supernaturally bright. Once again, I drown in his radiance. Just as I am lost, he blinks and breaks the spell. I continue to stare, utterly dumbfounded. He’s so beautiful. Sandy-blonde hair with wheat-colored streaks frames his chiseled features: high cheekbones and a square jaw accentuated by sun-kissed skin, Caribbean-blue eyes fringed with long lashes and a full, kissable mouth. That last embarrassing observation has my tongue darting reflexively between my own lips. As he reaches out his hand to help me up, I repress the urge to weep and wonder if I’m in shock. But I don’t feel like I’m in shock. Just overwhelmed by the most perfect boy I’ve ever seen. When I place my hand in his, electricity�"tingling warmth�"shoots up my arm. He continues to gaze down at me, a small smile quirking his lips. But since I only just met him, I don’t know what that particular expression means. My stomach flutters anyway. I’m hyper-aware of my body and its strange reactions as he helps me to stand. Once on my feet, I sway and the boy grips my waist to steady me before letting go. � I try to thank him, uttering, �śBeautiful.” It comes out as a hoarse croak and I suddenly realize it’s not the first time I’ve said that word out loud to him. �śUh�"I mean, thank you,” I stammer, feeling my face grow red hot. My abused throat burns. �śThanks.” �śI think I should walk you home. Under the circumstances.” He says it mildly but in a way that tells me the subject’s not open for debate. Not that I would argue anyway. His voice is commanding; deep, smooth and lyrical. Hypnotic. Dumbly, I nod, my head bobbing up and down like a dashboard dog. �śUh, okay.” He slings his backpack over one arm then reaches for mine, shouldering it as well. My instinct is to run away, protect myself from this handsome boy who must have some kind of ulterior motive�"but his shining halo doesn’t lie. His halo assures me he’s completely good. �śI’m Gabriel,” he says. His easy smile reveals pearly teeth. I don’t smile back. I can’t. My whole body’s trembling. I glance down at my feet because it hurts too much to look at him. �śI’m Alexia.” Damn! Why did I say that? I’m opening my mouth to amend my introduction, when I hear my name coming from his mesmerizing voice. �śAlexia.” It’s like it comes from somewhere deep inside him, some place familiar and warm. Chancing a glance at him, I’m captured by his heavenly eyes, tumbling back into their depths with little resistance. He whispers again, �śAlexia.” Now, he shivers. Finding our surroundings suddenly fascinating, he breaks the intensity between us. I watch his Adam’s apple bob enticingly as he swallows and resist the urge to touch the spot, to run my fingers over his smooth, soft skin. Instead, I clench my fists to my side and wait as he composes himself. �śReady?” Gabriel places a gentle hand on the small of my back. We both tense at the contact, and it occurs to me he’s as unused to touching as I am to being touched. Not trusting my voice, I nod. �śLead the way.” He sounds restrained, but I can’t read him well enough to figure out precisely why. We walk stiffly, in complete silence. The pressure of his hand on my back is so light I can’t be sure it’s really there. Except the spot tingles. As we walk the three remaining blocks to my temporary home, Gabriel stays close. It feels surreal but surprisingly okay. In front of Kate and Steven’s, I reluctantly slow, then halt. When I turn to thank him, he’s so close that our lips are just inches apart. He smells of evergreens in June, and the smoke from a hardwood fire. I’m reminded of the only time I ever went camping in the mountains. The sensation of being one with nature, free of my burdens and in tune with a Majestic Creator. Neither one of us moves. Gabriel’s eyes slide away from my mouth to hold my gaze. �śAre your parents home?” �śFoster parents.” I correct him before thinking better of it. My jaw sets as I take a small step backwards. Now will come the questions about my sad little life, why my parents gave me up, if I remember them�"I don’t, by the way, not really�"and the resulting look of pity. Tensing for the inevitable, I wait. � But Gabriel’s pity doesn’t come. The expression on his face is worse than curiosity or sympathy. There is no judgment in his gaze, only compassion. Acceptance. Butterflies pirouette inside my stomach as he leans toward me. He lifts his hand as if to touch my skin. In anticipation, I swallow then wince because the motion hurts. His attention shifts to my neck. The way he scowls at my damaged throat makes me suspect it appears even worse than it feels�"if such a thing’s possible. He lets his hand drop and his lower lip juts out slightly in annoyance. Whatever connection we’d shared is broken. After an awkward pause he asks, �śWhat time do you leave for school in the morning?” To my inexperienced ears he sounds terse, but I can’t be sure. I’m distracted because he’s staring at my mouth again. Unclear what he’s really asking, I hesitate, trying to read his expression. But he doesn’t accommodate me by looking up. �śUh, seven fifteen-ish?” My answer ends in a cough that causes a fresh burst of pain and a resulting gasp that I can’t help. The muscle in his jaw jumps. He’s angry. I wonder at who? And why? Surely, he doesn’t think what happened�"back there�"is my fault? Even as the thought passes, a small part of me agrees that it is my fault. And he has every right to be angry. I forgot to watch for the darkness. �śOkay. I’ll see you in the morning, Alexia.” He bites his lip, hesitating. What he’s struggling with is a mystery. Finally, his eyes pierce mine and I’m flooded with the tidal wave of anguish that overflows from his perfect features. �śI’m sorry I was late.” With a fierce frown, he turns and walks away. I watch Gabriel’s retreating golden form until he’s gone. He doesn’t look back, and I’ve got no idea how I’m supposed to feel about that. Inexplicably I have the urge to cry, whether from sorrow, shock, or happiness, I can’t tell. What just happened seems impossible, like a dream. I begin to wonder if I’ve hallucinated the whole thing�"him. But there’s a spot on my back where the skin still sings from his touch. Is he really going to be here in the morning? It’s too much to hope for�"to want. Alarmingly, my face cracks and I realize I’m smiling to myself. That’s new. Gabriel nearly makes me forget I’ve just lived through hell. Shaking my head at it all, I go inside the comfortable home that’ll never be mine. But I’m still smiling. * Over our take-out dinner of Szechuan shrimp, Kate asks me how my first day was. Unable to remember anything other than Gabriel, I hesitate. But the memory of him is one of the few things that belong to me and I’m reluctant to share it. Instead, I shrug. �śUh, fine, I guess. It was school.” �śDid you make any new friends?” My face starts to crack. Again, I’m surprised by the involuntary gesture. Tensing my muscles, I duck my head doing my best not to smile. �śA few kids have potential.” I’m deliberately vague, but she doesn’t press. She has probably noticed my neck, but she doesn’t ask about that either. She just nods and returns to her dinner. Kate’s sort of like a perky pixie. Her short platinum hair spikes expensively around her head. She has beautiful, petite features�"even her hands and feet are tiny�"and the richest, most expressive, chocolate-colored eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re even more penetrating than Derry’s gray-brown ones. Her champagne halo bubbles around her invitingly. Always smiling, you get the feeling Kate’s a born nurturer. She doesn’t pry, knows when to back off and when to encourage, and always sees the positive. But at the corner of her mouth and in the hidden depths of her eyes, there�Śs a grief so profound I can’t comprehend it. Maybe that’s why I feel kind of bad not telling her about Gabriel. Steven arrives home a few minutes later. His job often requires him to work late, and Kate tells me, because of this, she’s grateful for my company. As he sits, I study his expensive blue suit, his pale green shirt, impeccably matched tie, and daffodil halo. His freshly cut hair’s the color of espresso with subtle gray streaks invading at the temples. He has the appearance of someone important, busy. But his astute hazel eyes really see when he focuses on something or someone. And if you look closely, you can see evidence of laugh lines in the contours of his face. I’m in the process of passing Steven dumplings when his perceptive eyes focus on something they don’t like. Abruptly his countenance is severe, almost scary. �śWhat happened to your neck, Alex?” Kate has noticed it as well�"the look they exchange is unmistakable. Instinctively my hands rise to cover the area, to protect my secrets. But touching my neck’s a bad idea because the flesh is too tender. I wince, trying to stifle a gasp and come up with a plausible explanation at the same time. �śA locker,” I lie. �śMine’s low and I ran into the elbow of the guy whose locker’s above mine. It looks worse than it is. Really.” Another glance is exchanged, and then Steven lets it go. As he settles into eating, he asks all the same questions his wife did earlier. Giving all the same answers, I wait until his curiosity is satisfied before asking to be excused. In my room, I replay my interaction with Gabriel. All the confusing feelings come back�"the fluttering, the trembling, the smiling�"especially the smiling. I try to finish my homework, which is minimal being the first day and all, but Gabriel keeps distracting me. My neck throbs and my face aches from smiling. I sleep like crap. * When I wake, the butterflies in my stomach are already rambunctious. Will he be waiting for me? After tossing all night, I’m still uncertain as to whether I want this. Briefly, I consider sneaking out early, just in case he shows. But I’m not a morning person and the extra time I spend on my appearance, for no reason in particular, costs me. When I burst from the house at seven fifteen, Gabriel’s sitting on the porch steps. He’s even more beautiful�"if such a thing’s possible�"than the previous day. Without a word, he stands and reaches for my bag, his movements smooth and confident. The look he gives me, as his eyes search mine, is penetrating. �śReady?” he asks, as if he would completely understand if I said �śno.” I bob my head somberly, but in reality, I’m not ready for any of it�"returning to school or this boy in front of me. As if knowing my thoughts, he stifles a small frown and shoulders our bags. Again, his hand rests at my back in a gesture so light the only way I can be sure is my skin’s awareness. His touch makes me feel connected�"vulnerable. I want to ask him to stop touching me, but I can’t seem to get the words out. Just seven blocks. At the corner of Fort Thomas, Gabriel switches sides careful to keep his body between me and the busy street. The gesture is so protective, that I feel instantly comforted by it. But I can’t afford to depend on anyone beside Derry�"even someone with a righteous halo and the face of an angel to match. �śAre you all right, Alexia?” �śFine.” Even as I answer, I feel the frown puckering my features. But Gabriel lets it drop. As we walk, I sneak sidelong glances at him. Encircling him in a thick ring of gold extending outward in spiky white tips, his halo still makes it seem like he’s backlit by the sun, despite the cloudiness of the morning. Overcome with the urge to gawk at his radiance, I try to distract myself by focusing on the features of the stunning boy inside the ring of goodness. My heart stutters as I admit how breathtakingly gorgeous he is. Even with my new wardrobe and haircut, I feel completely inadequate by his side. Distracted by his perfection, I don’t notice we are nearing Orchard Avenue until we’re at the corner. Awareness hits me like a sucker punch. Short of breath and in physical pain, I freeze, unable to cross the street, unwilling to get closer to the source of my new nightmares. The pressure of Gabriel’s hand increases. His fingers brush my back in small circular strokes. I suck air noisily through my nose but can’t seem to take a deep breath. My yogic breathing doesn’t work this time, and terror threatens to overtake me. Gabriel’s warm hand cups my chin, forcing me to focus only on him. �śIt’s okay, Alexia. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” And I desperately want to believe him. He moves to the inside of the sidewalk, becoming a buffer between me and the dark memories of that particular street. His head leans close to mine, his breath tickling my neck as he whispers into my ear, �śYou’re strong. You’re brave. You can do this.” Over and over, like a litany. Before I can give in to my panic, we’ve moved beyond the corner. But it’s still awful because I’m leaning on Gabriel, in the literal and figurative senses. The feeling of security’s so huge, such a relief, that I can’t trust it. I can’t depend on him. �śI’m fine,” I lie, pasting a bright smile on my face and stepping away from his warmth. The minute our contact breaks, I feel cold and strangely bereft. �śLet’s go.” Gabriel keeps pace as I charge my way toward school. At the crosswalk, I reach for my bag, which Gabriel surrenders with a barely noticeable amount of reluctance. It’s better if we part company before anyone notices us. After all, my goal is to be invisible, and Gabriel’s about as visible as they come. With his celebrity looks, he couldn’t be inconspicuous if he tried. Something akin to physical pain settles heavily in my chest, as I mentally dismiss him. Crap! �śThanks, Gabriel. I’ll be fine from here.” With a drop of his hand he nods. The light changes and I hurry across the street in the middle of a yellow mob of kids, determined not to glance back over my shoulder. My heart twists, as if it misses him already�"totally ridiculous since I just met the guy. Walking straight to Algebra, I keep my head down carefully skirting around any dark ones in my way. In the classroom, I sit in the same front seat as the day before. About as far away from Jonah Wilkes as I can get. A second later Gabriel slips quietly into the second row, one seat from the end. As he adjusts his desk, I realize he’s directly between me and Jonah. He grins, despite my scowl, and the effect he has on me is more powerful than ever. My stomach somersaults while I grip my desk so hard my knuckles whiten. The whole class is focused on him�"for he’s too beautiful to be overlooked�"chattering excitedly. Out of the side of my mouth I hiss, �śWhat do you think you’re doing?” He answers me the same way. �śMath.” Girls are twittering about him, using words like hot and doable. As the teacher calls the class to order, I glance over my shoulder and whisper, �śYou have this class?” He leans forward causing his sandy-blonde hair to flop over one eye. �śI do now,” he whispers back with a conspiratorial wink. Everyone’s staring at him�"and me. Mr. Ramirez clears his throat and I’m out of time to suggest to Gabriel that he sit somewhere else. My face is burning as I sink down in my seat. For the next hour I pay rapt attention to the teacher, but it might as well be Greek. I don’t comprehend a word. I do learn Gabriel’s last name is Kustosz. When the bell rings I’m one of the first ones out of my seat, but before I can escape, Gabriel’s at my elbow following me down the hall. Although I'm ignoring him, we’re too close not to be together. I’m hyper aware of his heat, his halo, his amazing woodsy smell. All around us, I hear bits of conversations�"kids talking about us�"about me. Feeling their scrutiny, I don’t dare look at anything other than my shoes as the humiliation burns in my cheeks. Inspiration flashes and I halt, suddenly. Pausing to let Gabriel get ahead of me doesn’t work. He stops too, his familiar hand coming to rest against the small of my back. I stare straight ahead, keeping my voice discreet. �śWhat’re you doing?” His voice is also low�"low and amused. �śGoing to our next class, Alexia.” Unable to help myself, I turn and glower at him. My response is out of control and louder than I want it to be. �śThere’s no �Śour’, Gabriel. There’s �Śyours’ and �Śmine’. No �Śus’!” Everyone within earshot is curiously watching, ravenous for gossip He’s tranquil in the face of my anger, his smiling eyes radiate patience. Looking down at me, he tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear. His fingertips softly graze my cheek causing me to shiver. Instantly, I feel as fearsome as a fuzzy kitten. �śMaybe there should be.” He stuns me with his easy smile. Without a word, I make a beeline for French. In class, Madame Mimi showers an inappropriate amount of attention on Gabriel. She flirts outrageously, giggling and flipping her hair, but I seem to be the only one who notices. I decide to call her Madame Putain. It fits. On the way to third period, I pretend he doesn’t exist. Only I can feel the searing heat of his hand against my back. When we enter class, he keeps himself between me and Jonah all the way to our seats. Coincidence? I wonder as he sits behind me again, one seat over. Although Jonah’s halo is the deep slate of a stormy ocean, with Gabriel between us, he barely affects me. Gabriel, on the other hand, I am keenly aware of�Śevery movement, every shift, every breath. For the next hour, I try to concentrate on biology, but all I can think about is chemistry. After science, I try another tactic and hide in the girls’ bathroom until the bell rings. The space has a cold, institutional feel I find comforting. From inside my stall I stare at the cracked blue floor tiles and read the graffiti that covers the walls. I learn Naomi is a slut. At least in someone’s opinion. I’ve spent a lot of time hiding in bathrooms. Not caring if I’m late, I actually consider ditching Government altogether until the Fosters’ concerned faces fill my head. Crap! When I finally emerge into the empty hall, Gabriel’s lounging against the wall, unconcerned. He grins at my unconcealed annoyance, pointing out smugly, �śYou’re late for Government.” His smile, I want to slap it off his face�Śor kiss it away. Crap! Crap! Crap! My words�"short and clipped to cover my traitorous thoughts�"sound angrier than I feel. �śIf you care so much about punctuality, you should’ve left me.” That gets the smile off his face. He grips my shoulders firmly but without hurting me. It actually feels sort of nice. �śI’m not going to leave you,” he insists. It feels as if he’s talking about something other than class, something I don’t understand but sense is bigger than I can handle. I grumble, �śEven if I ask you nicely?” As my words sink in, he blinks several times. �śWould you do that?” �śWhat?” My sullen response causes his eyes to widen. �śAsk me to leave you?” There’s surprise with an undercurrent of something I can’t quite identify in his voice. It almost feels like panic, but since we’re practically strangers the emotion makes no sense. Ducking my head, I avoid the answer with a question of my own. �śEven if I did, would you really go?” A red thread-like fiber curls on the ground near my feet. I stare at it while waiting for him to answer, afraid of what he’ll say. Soft as a feather, his fingers trace my jaw line. Gently, he lifts my head until we’re staring into each other’s eyes. His narrow with the seriousness of our topic. �śIf you really wanted me to leave, I would.” I believe him. The air between us is heavy with his unspoken plea. It hits me that he doesn’t want to be sent away, and I don’t really want him to go�"at least not for today. The stark vulnerability of need twists in my stomach. I feel weak and scared, because I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anybody. �śDo you, Alexia?” His words flow over me like a haunting melody causing me to forget the original question. �śDo I what?” �śWant me to go?” Quietly he clears his throat and for the first time he appears uncertain. His eyes continue to hold mine and I’m unable to look away, to protect myself even in that small way as I admit the truth. �śNo.” I tremble slightly as the confession hangs between us. He swallows and I watch the way his throat bobs, the way his jaw muscles flex, the way his lips ripple, and his pupils expand. Movement at the end of the hall breaks the moment. Gabriel sighs, reaching for my bag. �śWe should get to class.” Dumbly nodding�"which seems to be my typical response when he’s around�"I turn away from him, my body feeling shaky and unreliable. It takes all my concentration not to stagger. Anger and guilt tangle in my chest as I try to process what just happened. Then I feel Gabriel’s steady hand settle reassuringly into the small of my back and bite back a growl. �śMaybe you shouldn’t touch me.” Wordlessly he lets his hand drop, and I nearly take the words back. At the door to Government, he stops and hands my bag back to me. I pause, confused. �śDon’t you have this class?” His left eyebrow dips as he inquires, �śDo you need me to?” I think for a moment, wondering at his cryptic question before shaking my head. �śI guess not.” �śI’ll meet you right here for lunch.” �śThat’s not necessary.” �śI insist.” �śWhatever.” Although he’s waiting for me to go, I hesitate, worried about after lunch. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I can face Mr. Creepy on my own. Clearing my throat, I ask, �śWhat about�"never mind...” When he looks at me�"a deep, searing stare that shakes me to my core�"it’s as if he knows my mind. �śThis is the only class we have apart. So the bad news is you’re going to have to put up with me the rest of the day and I’m not taking �Śno’ for an answer.” Relieved and more than a little grateful, I nod. Giving my hand a quick squeeze, he lightly admonishes, �śNow get to class. You’re late.” � In that moment, I’m too placated to realize how bizarre it is that he knows our collective schedule. But as I sit in Government, self-loathing sets in. I hate that I’m counting on Gabriel to get me through English. It’d be better to leave�"get away from him and from the Fosters before thing become complicated. The only person I can depend on is myself. I know this from experience. Afterwards, Gabriel’s waiting just like he promised. As we walk to lunch together, amidst stares and whispers, I resign myself to no longer being invisible. But as we enter the cafeteria, I’m ill-prepared for the resulting attention. First, everything comes to an immediate halt. Noise stops and movement ceases in an almost exaggerated way, reminding me of a poorly-made sitcom. The result is disorienting. My body reacts in fight or flight mode as Gabriel smoothly steers me through the maze of gawking students to an empty table in the back. In a stupor, I let him seat me facing the wall. As he settles across the table, I fidget uncomfortably, panicking because I can’t have my back to everyone. Needing to watch for the darkness, I try to glance over my shoulders at my surroundings without being obvious about it, but the movements make me nauseous and agitate my injured neck. Noticing my distress, Gabriel stops unpacking his lunch to pat the seat beside him. �śWhy don’t you come sit next to me, Alexia.” I want to, but worry what kids will think. Continuing to read my mind, he offers, �śThey’re already talking about us. There’s no reason for you to be sitting over there in agony, when you would be more comfortable on this side.” As painful as it is to admit, he’s right. So I switch sides. I try not to sit too close but, because there’s a metal bar in my way, end up touching his thigh with mine. Despite our layers of clothing, my leg tingles where we connect. If Gabriel notices, though, he doesn’t react. Instead, he watches with interest as I pull a Vitamin Water and a cereal bar from my backpack. With a frown he asks, �śThat’s all you’re having?” I shrug. �śDidn’t think I’d be very hungry.” Nodding, he begins unpacking his lunch, producing a thick sandwich loaded with veggies and meat on wholegrain bread, an apple, a banana, a Vitamin Water like mine, and a tiny package of Oreos. �śHere,” he says handing me his banana. Hungrier than I anticipated, I take it without arguing. �śThanks.” �śYou’re most welcome.” Crooking an eyebrow, he contemplates me challengingly. �śYou’re also eating half my Oreos.” His edict makes me laugh because he has no clue how crazy I am for Oreos. �śHalf?” I retort, �śI was planning on eating them all.” I grab them possessively, clutching them to my chest. Pulling at my hands, Gabriel makes a mock attempt to reclaim his dessert. We scuffle, wrenching the cookies back and forth, until we’re both quaking with laughter. �śIs this seat taken?” I look up to see two cheerleaders smiling�"all vacant and phony but dazzling nonetheless�"down at Gabriel. My heart slams painfully in my chest as I realize I’ve let my guard down yet again. Or maybe my pain has to do with how lovely the two girls are with their perfect makeup and short, sexy uniforms. One blonde and the other brunette, they resemble what I imagine to be the epitome of every teenaged boy’s fantasy. Once they capture Gabriel’s attention, they sit down uninvited. �śI’m Naomi Bennett,” the brunette bimbo says coyly. Her halo’s a smudge, merely a slight darkening around her edges like a grease stain. She nods toward the blonde. �śThis is Kendra Douglas.” �śHi,” chirps the blonde one. �śYou’re Gabriel, right?” She tosses her hair with such skill it should be an Olympic event. Kendra’s surrounded by a flimsy ring the color of stale beer. She’s barely good, which becomes apparent in the way she’s blindly following Naomi’s lead. They don’t acknowledge my existence as they make themselves at home at our table. Their attention is exclusively for the gorgeous boy at my side. Suddenly, I’m invisible again. Deflated by the turn of events, I turn away to catch Jonah watching us. Hate shoots like daggers from his eyes toward the two girls seated opposite me and I wonder at the history behind his scowl. All of a sudden, he’s conscious of my scrutiny. Giving me a quick, sharp glare, he turns back into himself, his chaotic halo darkening into slate as he picks at his lunch. �śAlexia?” Gabriel’s breath is low and humid against my ear. I realize he’s been speaking to me, waiting for some kind of response. At some point he has nestled his hand against my back. My skin begins to sing with awareness and I scoot away. Shaking my head to clear it, I snap back to him. �śSorry, I must’ve zoned out.” As I turn toward him, he doesn’t pull back. He�"is�"so�"close. An involuntary shiver trembles down my spine as our noses brush. He swallows, a small gulp so loud it fills my ears causing me to tremble even more. My stomach tingles in an unfamiliar yet not unpleasant way. Alarmed he pulls back, holding me at an arm’s length for evaluation. �śAre you all right?” The concern in his sea-colored eyes makes them wide. �śFine.” Nodding self-consciously I fiddle with my water as Gabriel opens his Oreos, giving me two and keeping the other half for himself. �śOooh,” crows Naomi enthusiastically. �śI just love Oreos. They’re the best.” Gabriel grins. �śYep.” To my extreme satisfaction, not only doesn’t he offer her any, but he seems to take great pleasure in breaking them apart and slowly savoring them in her face. His thigh presses against mine and I wonder if his action is conscious, if he’s deliberately maximizing our contact. �śSo Gabriel, how do you like Midlands High?” Naomi smiles at him sweetly, overlooking the cookies. But I get the impression she’s not used to being ignored. �śFine.” �śIs it better than your old school?” Kendra bats her eyelashes at him then backs off as Naomi elbows her discreetly. �śYes.” As the two girls attempt to chat with him, Gabriel remains polite and brief. Even in the face of his one-syllable answers, they can’t take a hint. He makes a private joke of rolling his eyes at me as he exaggeratedly eats his Oreos, and before I know it, I’m playing along with my own cookies. When the bell rings, Gabriel clears our combined trash without a word. I’m still sitting when the cheerleaders stand in tandem. �śWhat class have you got next?” Naomi asks. �śEnglish,” he answers curtly. They move to intercept him on his way back from the waste bin, chattering over the top of one another. �śWe’ve got English too!” �śIsn’t Mr. Abernathy the best?” �śDid you get yesterday’s homework assignment, since you were out?” �śHe’s one of the best teachers at this school. He’s won National awards and everything.” �śMy locker’s right on the way, I could get you the answers.” �śHe’s really handsome, for a teacher and all.” Naomi tries to take his arm, but Gabriel successfully evades her grasp. Parting them like the Red Sea, he reaches out to help me to my feet. His lips twitch with barely contained mirth that makes his eyes sparkle. Glancing at me as if I’m some spider she just noticed crawling across her shoe, Naomi shoves at Kendra and they flank Gabriel in unison. �śWalk with us,” she begs. �śNo thank you.” Looking pointedly at me he asks, �śAre you ready, Alexia?” I’m anything but ready. But I won’t admit it. He remains motionless, hand outstretched, waiting for me to surrender my bag to him. The cheerleaders are hovering and in a fit of impulsiveness, I sling my backpack at Gabriel in an enthusiastic arc that nearly knocks Naomi down. Choking back a giggle, I enjoy the rush of satisfaction as she stumbles backwards. Kendra rushes to her friend’s aid as Gabriel catches my carelessly flung bag. Disapproval radiates from his eyes and the tight set of his lips, but I don’t care. In this strange new world where I have to suffer perky cheerleaders and perfect boys, it feels good to lash out. As Jonah brushes past me, I see the smirk on his face. His halo has lightened and I realize he gets it. Shooting daggers with her eyes, Naomi stomps past us dragging Kendra by the arm. �śBitch,” she snarls. �śWas that really necessary, Alexia?” The disappointment in Gabriel’s eyes fuels my mood. �śYes,” I answer, feeling defiant and perversely happy. With a soft shake of his head, he asks, �śAre you ready for our next class?” The smile freezes on my face as the realization that I have English next sinks in. The knowledge causes instant cramping and I regret having eaten. My heart sharply accelerates in anticipation as my legs turn to rubber. Mr. Creepy’s sickening behavior speeds through my mind blurring the present surroundings. The scene before me goes fuzzy around the edges. Solid objects start to dissipate as the floor tilts, pitching up to meet me at an impossible angle. Then, everything vanishes. CHAPTER 3 Before I can crumple to the ground, Gabriel catches me. �śHey,” he soothes. His mouth brushes against my ear. �śIf you’re not feeling well, I can take you home. Right now. Do you want to go?” Everything’s spinning in a way that makes me want to lie down or put my head between my knees at the very least. If it weren’t for Gabriel holding me upright I’d be splayed out on the floor, out cold and making a total spectacle of myself. Again, he asks if I want to leave�"I can’t help feeling he knows more than he’s saying�"but I shake my head. Something within me stubbornly refuses to take him up on his offer, despite its appeal. �śAt least lean on me until you catch your breath. Here.” With a nod, I sag against him, allowing myself a rare moment of comfort. But it feels too indulgent. My self-preservation kicks in as I admit to myself I can’t afford to draw strength from him, even in this one instance. Pushing against the lean muscle of his chest, I manage to stand on my own two feet. �śI’m fine,” I lie. �śJust light-headed for a sec. I probably should’ve packed a better lunch. Come on.” For one moment Gabriel doesn’t let go, he just examines me gravely.� Behind his extraordinary eyes, a struggle wages that I can’t decipher. Then his grip loosens as he quietly says, �śOkay.” Placing one foot in front of the other, I begin to walk. I’m both terrified and relieved that English is in the same wing, on the same floor as the cafeteria, since I don’t think I could manage stairs in my present state. As we enter the hall, Mr. Creepy’s classroom looms at the end of it like a gaping black hole. Gabriel gives me my space, but his fingertips press sharply into my spine. His free hand fists tautly at his side. As we move, he whispers, �śLet’s not sit up front for this one, okay?” Again I wonder what he knows and how, but I’m too preoccupied to confront him. Later�Ś after�Ś Dipping my head in agreement, I try not to imagine the trials of the upcoming hour. I don’t glance at Mr. Creepy as we enter, but I feel his halo, his sickening attention, as Gabriel guides me to the far left seat of the third row. �śScoot closer to the wall,” he whispers. I obey, looking down to watch Gabriel’s faded jeans settle next to me. Below the din of the class, I hear the gentle scrape of the desk as Gabriel draws himself to me until our knees touch. Staring at the expertly frayed white ends of his expensive jeans as they flop haphazardly about his tan suede boots, I concentrate on counting the individual fibers that make up each twisted end. And I wait. Off to my right, I hear a boy complain, �śHey that’s my seat, dude.” Dismissively, Gabriel replies, �śNot anymore, dude. Go sit somewhere else.” The class is called to order. As it gets quiet, I raise my head to see Mr. Creepy eyeing me critically from behind his desk. His halo�"while as dark and disgusting as the previous day�"doesn’t have quite the same impact. When he contemplates the boy beside me, his face pinches. �śMr. Kustosz, I presume.” Gabriel regards him impassively. Stoically. �śYes, sir.” �śYou missed my class yesterday, Mr. Kustosz. Why?” �śI got delayed.” �śComing from where?” �śLos Angeles.” He calculates. �śHmmm.” Around us, the class whispers about the golden boy from the Golden State. In the distraction, Mr. Creepy’s cunning eyes slide sideways to bore down on me. �śAlexia, please come sit up front.” Gabriel’s hand seeks mine under my desk becoming my anchor. �śNow Alexia.” The teacher’s voice holds a faint whine as he indicates the far corner seat in the empty front row. �śUp here, please.” I squeeze Gabriel’s hand and he reciprocates so hard I’m afraid one of us will break. I bite my lip against the pain, but when I glance to him, his face appears untroubled. Mr. Creepy continues to stare at me, his arms crossed disapprovingly. Although I’m trembling with fear, I don’t move. Not that Gabriel would let me go even if I wanted to, which I don’t. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jonah leaning in, paying rapt attention to our interaction. When Gabriel speaks for me, his voice is deceptively smooth and doesn’t betray the iron grip he has on my body. �śAlex is fine, Mr. Abernathy. Please continue with today’s lesson.” Gabriel’s halo has grown bigger, brighter than before. Seeming to encompass both of us, it’s nearly white and visibly bristling. All I can think of is righteous anger, but it makes no sense to me even though I’m seeing it with my own two eyes. Inexplicably, I feel safe�"nearly at peace�"inside the protection of Gabriel’s burning halo. Unaccustomed to being challenged, Mr. Creepy continues to stare Gabriel down. After a few seconds, his eyes narrow into snake-like slits as he opens his mouth to speak. Then he seems to change his mind. His nonexistent lips snap shut as he changes tactics. Mr. Creepy stands and makes a big show of strolling around his desk, stopping to casually lean against it with his hip. �śWell I certainly cannot teach to an empty first row.” He throws his hands up acting baffled, as if he has reached an impasse. Slowly he searches the class for a target. When he finds his prey, his eyes glimmer with perverse excitement. �śBecke Finch,” he beckons. �śCome sit up here.” I wince because I didn’t know Becke was in this class. Suddenly, I feel protective of the quiet girl with frizzy red hair and lemon chiffon halo. Turning to look behind my row, I see Becke loosely gather her things and shuffle forward to the far right seat in the first row. �śGood girl, Becke.” Mr. Creepy smirks. �śAny other volunteers?” When Kendra Douglas practically runs from the back of the class to sit front and center, he beams at her. �śThank you Kendra.” With a triumphant glare toward Gabriel and me, he begins to teach. For the next fifty minutes, we’re ignored as he divides his attentions between the two girls in the front row. But it’s Becke I watch, because Mr. Creepy has singled her out in my stead. Hovering around her, he lingers. After English, Gabriel keeps his body between Mr. Creepy and me as we exit. I expect this. What is unexpected is Jonah, who goes out of his way to circle around behind us. With surprise, I realize he’s getting my back. His way of making amends, maybe? Escaping English unscathed makes me feel buoyant. In the hallway, my face cracks in a huge, spontaneous grin. There’s a bounce in my step as I walk down the hall with Gabriel fast at my side. On the way to PE, I wonder if Gabriel will accompany me into the girl’s locker room and how I’m going to play badminton with Gabriel’s hand pressed against my back. The thoughts make me giggle. Gabriel inclines his head to study me. �śWhat?” �śNothing.” I bite down on my lip, stopping as we reach the entrance to the girls’ locker room to smile at the boy who has stuck closer to me than my own shadow. He smiles back, trying to coax the information out of me. �śPlease tell me?” Before slipping inside, I plant a big ol’ spontaneous kiss on his cheek. �śSee you in class, Gabriel.” My last glimpse of him is standing in the doorway, dazed and dreamy, his hand over the spot on his cheek where my lips have recently been. * Since it’s our second day of school, we spend most of the period learning the rules of badminton. At one point Gabriel leans in and whispers, �śHow hard can it be? Drop and swat�"like flies.” His accompanying gestures look more like he’s trying to hit a one handed home run. And I reply, �śI pity the flies you swat.” At the end of class, there are about ten minutes left to volley. We’re asked to partner up, and Gabriel’s hand slides possessively across my back, before Naomi can get her clutches on him. As we swat the birdie back and forth, I’m pleased to find out he has a competitive streak. Even more astonishing is he seems to bring out the competitiveness in me. This is something new. These thoughts flicker through my brain in the seconds it takes Gabriel to launch the birdie at my head. Maybe it’s the boy, or maybe it’s my pent up emotions desperately needing an outlet, but I attack that little sucker with everything in me. We rally, our volleys closing the distance between one another, our strikes getting more vicious with each return. Then, somehow, Gabriel manages to turn badminton into a contact sport, and we wind up in a tangled heap on the floor with Coach Mann and her whistle looming over us. As Gabriel helps me to my feet, I can’t help but notice how amazing he looks after a little exertion. Up to now I’ve only seen him looking fantastic in expensive looking jeans and muted, button down shirts. But he looks incredible in gym clothes, too. Longish basketball shorts and a tank top display his lean, well-defined muscles coated with a fine sheen of sweat that makes his tan skin glisten. Cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling, he grins impishly at me while raking his fingers through his damp hair. I’m not the only one who stares at him. Every girl in the room and at least a few of the boys, admire his teenage male perfection. Even Coach Mann succumbs when Gabriel apologizes for our scuffle, placing all the blame squarely on himself. �śSorry Coach,” he explains with an �Śaw shucks’ shrug. �śI don’t like to lose�"and she was kickin’ my butt.” She responds to his confession with a goofy, girlish grin. �śNo need to apologize, Gabriel. Healthy competition is a good thing.” Just like that, he’s forgiven�"worshiped. And while a minute ago I felt the lightness of being in his glow, my heart now plummets as I understand Gabriel’s world is galaxies away from my own. His world’s bathed in golden brilliance while I survive in the shadows trying to hide from the dark. I’ve known him less than twenty four hours and already I’m changed. So I caution myself that I can’t learn to rely on him. And no matter what, I can’t let myself�"not even in secret�"fall in love with him. Love. The word takes me by surprise because I’ve never thought about having those kinds of feelings for a guy. And yet, Gabriel would be so easy to love. Too easy. Pushing those uncomfortable thoughts away, I focus on what matters. Find Derry. Avoid the darkness until I am no longer a minor. Keep control of my life. Hastily I add, Do not fall in love. Gabriel intercepts me on the way to the locker room, easily matching my stride so we’re moving in sync. Still grinning mischievously, he pulls a lock of my hair free from its ponytail then tucks it slowly behind my ear. �śI’m walking you home, Alex. So don’t disappear on me.” Forcing a chuckle, I wonder if it’s too much to wish that he’ll vanish�"just leave as mysteriously as he appeared. Opening the door to one of the few places he can’t follow, I hastily retreat, grateful for a few moments to recover from being in his glow. By the time school’s out and we face the seven blocks, I’m full of questions. I’m convinced there’s more to him than his story. A lot more. �śDo you really come from California?” He shrugs, slightly mocking himself. �śI’m from the City of Angels. Isn’t it obvious?” I look him up and down pretending to consider this. �śWell you certainly aren’t from around here.” Laughing, he gives his head a vigorous shake of agreement before asking, �śIs it my turn now?” �śOkay,” I focus on my new shoes, chocolate brown ones today, gliding over the pristine sidewalk as I nervously wonder what he’ll ask. �śTell me about your friends, before you moved here?” I do not make friends, but I don’t say this. Instead I tell him about Derry. �śWe were both twelve�"living at The Children’s Center�"a group home for kids who for one reason or another aren’t in foster care. It’s a pretty decent place. I didn’t want to be his friend, at first. But he couldn’t take a hint. Followed me everywhere, pleading with these big puppy dog eyes, talking incessantly about Star Wars. So scrawny and clueless that the other kids picked on him all the time. �śHe and I are like family�"we don’t have anyone else�"and I really miss him. I miss his mocking laugh and the way he calls me �ŚLexi’�"familiar�"as if we’re brother and sister. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he needed a protector.” �śWhere’s Derry now?” I sigh as my frustration pours forth. �śI’ve no idea. He disappeared about a month ago. It happens in the system. Kids move around�"too much. But we’re not actually related, so nobody will tell me anything.” �śWhat about the people you live with now? Can’t they help?” �śThe Fosters?” Gabriel holds up a hand, indicating for me to pause. �śWait, they’re foster parents and their last name is Foster?” �śWeird coincidence, right? Derry would find it hilarious. I was all prepared to dislike them but they’re really nice. Very good people.” Their bright halos align them with descriptions like trustworthy and honorable. Reluctantly, I admit, �śThey’re starting to win me over.” �śIf they’re as good as you claim they are, why don’t you ask them to help you?” I shrug, unable to format a safe answer easily. �śI�"uh�"don’t want to burden them, I guess. And it’s private.” Nodding, he says softly, �śI hope you find him.” �śThanks. I hope so, too.” I send out a short prayer to whoever might be listening for Derry’s safe return. Somewhat astonished, I realize we’ve already crossed Orchard Avenue. I glance behind me, but the residential street’s deserted. With the perpetrators long gone from the scene of their crimes, that place no longer has any hold over me. Turning back to Gabriel, I announce, �śMy turn again.” Raising his hands in surrender, he jokes, �śShoot.” �śTell me about your family.” �śWell,” he draws the word out with extra emphasis on the end consonants. �śIt’s pretty basic really. My older sister goes to UCLA. Both my parents work and we just moved here from sunny California because of my mom’s new job.” �śYour dad relocated for your mom?” My voice gets squeaky sometimes when I’m impressed. I hate it. �śYep.” �śThat’s pretty amazing of him.” Shrugging it off, Gabriel kicks a rock out of our way. �śWell, we’re a progressive, modern family.” Envisioning it in my head, I see a tidy woman in a smart suit standing in front of an elegantly understated home. I imagine her having Sunday brunch with the husband and son who’ve sacrificed for her. As they eat, they trade sections of the paper and make leisurely small talk. Wanting to picture more, I ask, �śWhat else?” �śI dunno�"what do you want to know?” I think for a split second. �śDo you own a dog?” �śNo pets.” He explains, �śI’m allergic.” �śWhat’s your sister studying?” �śCommunications.” A black convertible overstuffed with laughing kids barrels down the street. Over-rated pop music blares as the driver swerves, narrowly missing a parked car. �śDo you drive?” �śI can drive�"if that’s what you’re asking�"but I don’t have my own car. That was part of the appeal of this neighborhood�"for my parents, at least�"just a short walk from school.” �śWhat do you miss most about California?” Without hesitation he declares, �śThe ocean�"surfing.” In my mind’s eye, I see him on a surfboard, the breeze ripping through his sandy hair as he rides turbulent cresting waves then comes home to collapse, smelling of sea and sunblock. Because I’m silent, imagining Gabriel as the golden surfer-boy, he asks, �śIs it my turn?” �śYep.” Half a block until Kate and Steven’s. I find myself hoping I can get in one last turn before our time’s over. Irrational suspicions have been running on a loop in the back of my head and growing stronger with each coincidence. Though I’ve been doing my best to ignore them, I’ll get no rest without answers. � �śHow do you really feel about the Fosters?” he asks. Without pausing to edit my reply, I blurt out, �śI really like them. They’re both super nice and so generous. The only thing I can’t figure out is why they want me.” As Gabriel stops in front of the blue and white porch with the red door, his eyes turn sultry. �śGive yourself some credit. The question that leaps to my mind is why wouldn’t anyone want you?” Butterflies, goose bumps and red cheeks�"my body explodes with the works so that I’m torn between hiding my embarrassment by escaping and asking the question that’s been on my mind most of the walk home. My need for answers narrowly wins. �śOne last question before you go?” �śFor you? Anything.” �śWhy are you doing this?” His eyebrows lift. �śDoing what?” �śThis,” I sweep my hand to indicate the two of us, my backpack he’s still shouldering, the seven blocks he’s walked with me three times now, and the house with the pretty porch that signals the end of our time together. �śWhy me?” Rolling his eyes at me, he chuckles. �śI thought it was kind of obvious.” There’s so much more I know he’s not saying. �śBut how did you know?” �śHow’d I know what?” I want to ask, How’d you know I was in trouble? How’d you know to shield me from Jonah? How’d you know I need protecting from Mr. Creepy? How do you know I’m tired of running? Gabriel’s face is blank. Suddenly I think it must be some huge, cosmic coincidence I’ve over-interpreted, so I stammer, �ś�"that I needed a friend.” His eyebrows furrow, meeting in the middle of his face as he tips his head to the side, asking, �śIs that what you need?” The warmth has faded from his eyes, replaced by a cool, savage scrutiny. He’s waiting for me to respond, and while my mind’s whirling with commentary, I can’t think of an appropriate reply. He sighs, a soft huff of aggravation. �śI’ll see you in the morning, Alexia.” Then he turns and walks away while I watch�"my mind reeling with things I could’ve done and said differently. Better. From that day on he calls me Alex, except when we’re alone. Then I’m Alexia. And I’ve no clue whether it’s a good thing, or not. * The next day Gabriel has two packages of Oreos for lunch, but rather than give me one of them, we share both. Naomi and Kendra don’t sit with us, which is just fine by me. Naomi does, unfortunately for her, make a big production of locking lips with a football player in Gabriel’s line of sight. After the show, I can’t help but agree with the bathroom graffiti. In English, Jonah’s sitting in the fourth row on the left. When we enter, he gestures to us with his head. Gabriel slips me into the end seat of the third row. Before taking the seat at my side, he nods his thanks to the inky haired boy behind us. Under his breath, he asks, �śWill this work for you Alex?” His eyes dart quickly to Jonah before settling on my face with concern. Again I suspect he knows more than he’s saying, but nagging self-doubt undermines my conviction. With a covert glance at Jonah, I shake my head slowly up then down. �śI think so.” And I mean it. Despite the darkness that ebbs and flows around him, Jonah hardly bothers me anymore. Briefly, I wonder how much of that is due to Gabriel’s calming presence. My thoughts, however, derail as Becke Finch enters the classroom. She hovers just inside the door, torn over where she should sit. I watch her glance longingly toward the back of the room�"clearly she’s not comfortable in the front row. But the pursing of her lips indicates she doesn’t want to disappoint Mr. Abernathy, either. Since our teacher hasn’t yet arrived, I quietly wave Becke over. She approaches cautiously, and despite the indecision in her eyes returns my smile with a small one of her own. �śWhy don’t you sit by us today?” I ask. To my amazement, Jonah pats the seat directly behind me, ordering, �śPark it right here, Finch.” Sounding almost happy, his halo lightens to a thin shade of gray, like morning mist. Becke, appearing grateful to have the decision taken out of her hands, nods and whispers shyly, �śThanks guys.” Jonah ducks his head as she slips past him, two little red spots coloring his cheeks. My eyes flicker from him to her and back again as I start to suspect something. Before the idea has time to germinate, Jonah and Gabriel straighten in their seats. Every nerve ending in my body becomes alert as I watch their muscles coil in rigid anticipation.� My stomach cramps and I reach for Gabriel before daring to look around. Behind my right elbow, Jonah has pulled himself up to his full height. He’s scowling toward the door, his gangly body defiantly angled to shield Becke, who smiles at our teacher obliviously. Gabriel grips my hand. The pain is primal, reassuring. Mr. Creepy surveys the room, his features pinching slightly as he notices our tight little group. Before my eyes, his halo darkens two shades into the color of newly poured pavement. It swirls around him in agitation. Although his cold, flat eyes hold no hint of malice as he crosses to his desk and begins his lesson, my stomach plummets like I’ve just stepped off a cliff. When class is over, he dismisses us without as much as a glance. But his halo never lightens. And I can’t help thinking this can’t be good for any of us. The next few weeks, however, pass uneventfully as I walk my seven long blocks with Gabriel, who’s become a physical barrier between me and the darkness. And while I should be comforted, his mere presence keeps me off balance. I am increasingly unsettled by this boy who relentlessly asks for my confidence when he is unwilling to divulge his own secrets. Even more surreal is that our group has expanded to four. Whenever possible, Jonah and Becke sit with us�"even at lunch�"and I’m growing accustomed to the central role they now play in my bizarre world. This worries me. At night, I lay awake worrying I’ll lose my self-reliance by depending more and more on the beautiful boy constantly at my side. I worry about what will happen when I inevitably move on? What will happen to them? And to me? And I worry all the time about Derry. Most of all, I agonize over the inevitable darkness that will certainly come. How do I protect my foster family and new friends from evil? As certain as a moth is drawn to a flame, dark ones will continue to fixate on me. And I am helpless to stop it. The only thing I know to do is run�"and pray that the darkness follows. Is that enough to save them? The idea of starting over is terrifying�"almost as paralyzing as the thought of never finding Derry�"but it’s my only option. No one’s safe with me around. Not even Gabriel. Eventually the darkness will return, seeking me and destroying anyone who stands in the way. I just hope when the time comes, I still have the strength to leave. CHAPTER 4 �śOh, Alex. You look divine! Like an angel.” I’m humoring Kate. Somehow, she found out about the Midlands High homecoming dance and has it in her head I need a new dress for the occasion. I don’t. Even though I’ve explained I have no intention of going, she thinks maybe shopping will change my mind. It won’t. But I can’t tell her this because I’m afraid it will make her sad. A group of us�"the group being Becke, Jonah, Gabriel and me�"will be going to the movies instead of the school-sanctioned celebration. Not a double date or anything, just hanging out. I still haven’t told Kate about Gabriel or the others, though I’m not sure why, exactly. It just hasn’t come up. I did, however, mention I have alternate plans the night of the dance. Still, when she begged me to �śjust look,” I couldn’t say no. Although the Fosters have no children of their own, they did once�"a little boy with freckles, red hair and Kate’s big, brown eyes. He died somehow. That’s why her eyes are so sad sometimes. And why I can’t refuse her when I gaze into them. They haven’t told me about him. I only know because there are a few professional pictures around their house. One picture of a baby, a laughing toddler portrait, a slightly younger looking Kate and Steven posed with a smiling, dimpled boy of eight. Then the pictures stop, like an edited filmstrip. Fast forward several years to an older, more mature couple with an empty home. And while they put up a good front most of the time, to me at least, it’s clear something is missing. In my observation, Kate seems a fragile thing and I worry it won’t take much to crack her sunny, eggshell exterior. If she were to break, would the well of grief she guards rise up to drown her spirit? It’s a chance I’m not willing to take, so I change into a deep pink gown with annoying little sparkly things that sway noisily when I walk. Rattling my way out of the dressing room, her face abruptly falls. �śYou hate it, don’t you?” Shrugging, I try to pretend to like it, because of those sad eyes. But I’m a lousy actress. Brightly Kate rubs her hands together. �śTake it off and I’ll get the next bunch.” With a nod I retreat back into the safety of the dressing room, catching my reflection in the full length mirror. My image doesn’t even glow. I’ve never been able to see my own halo�"maybe I don’t have one. Why am I cursed with this ability? Why am I such a freak? Try as I might, I can’t find anything �śdivine” in my appearance. At best I appear to be a girl playing dress up�"a poor substitute for the kind of girl the gown was designed for. A girl like Alexia. I barely manage to slip the garment off before Kate returns. �śHere, try these.” � Over the top of the door, a barrage of colors and textures slide into my waiting arms. Dutifully I hang the dresses on a nearby hook, wincing at the festive fuchsia, teal, and lime. I pick up a Caribbean-blue gown, the color of Gabriel’s eyes, and hastily discard it. That relationship is confusing enough without sporting the azure dress as a reminder. For weeks, he’s been my escort and protector, bewildering me with his luminous eyes and cryptic comments. His barely-there touches imprinting my skin the way his very presence has imprinted my life. But his secrets have become mountains between us. He won’t tell me why he’s assumed such a pivotal role in my life. Or what he wants from me. I’ve rejected the idea he’s doing this merely because he’s a good person�"no one is that good. But even if he were the exception, one of those rare creatures that are better than the rest, he’s got to have flaws. He is human, after all. And even if he was some selfless saint, there are so many kids that have it worse off than I do. I’ve seen their waning halos, the outward extensions of their pain, flickering as if gasping for breath in the midst of drowning. Those kids need a protector. I can take care of myself. So why me? �śReady?” Kate’s voice brings me back to earth as I hastily shimmy into the first thing I pick up, a moss-colored gown with yards of skirting. As I burst from the dressing room, Kate tries to contain her enthusiasm, probably for my benefit. �śWell,” she asks. �śWhat do you think?” The best I can do is shrug. Puzzling over Gabriel has taken away any pretense of enjoyment. Kate’s pixie-like features narrow as she regards me, no longer focused on the dress. �śYou know, Alex,” she begins hesitantly. �śYou can talk to me about anything.” I stare down at my bare toes, peeking beneath the curtain of subdued green. �śI know.” �śOr tell me anything�Ś” I hate it when someone places unclear expectations on me. I know she’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what she wants to hear. �śNot much to tell�"I don’t have any family�"moved around a lot. I don’t make friends easily and I don’t open up to people, not even the good ones.” Kate sighs. �śYou’re telling me stuff I already know.” �śWhat do you want me to say?” �śWhy don’t you tell me about that boy who walks you to and from school every day?” Shocked, I stare at her briefly before squeezing my eyes shut in mortification. The waiting silence causes me to peek from one eye. �śYou know about him?” Her answering shrug is both dainty and apologetic. �śThe neighbors. They’re just looking out for you.” Knowing nothing of the type of neighbors she’s describing, I wince, wondering just how much they’ve witnessed and exactly when I let my guard down. Kate’s frowning, her displeasure warring with her unconditional acceptance as she tries to understand, and I can’t bear the thought she might be disappointed in me. �śKate, I’ve never had him in your house when you guys weren’t home�"or when you guys were�"I mean he’s never been inside. I promise.” Then Kate surprises me, both with her words and the force with which she declares them. �śI almost wish you had snuck him in.” I’m so stunned, I forget I’m dying of embarrassment. �śWhy would you want that?” �śBecause�"” Her voice is thick with frustration, harsher than normal. �śIt would mean you feel at home enough to break the rules!” Propelled forward by her emotions, all I can do is stare, dumfounded by her tirade. �śYou’ve lived with us for three months and you still haven’t unpacked or personalized your room. No matter what Steven and I do, you keep one foot out the door. We try and try, but you won’t let us in�"not even the tiniest bit. I think I could live with that, if I knew you were letting someone�"anyone�"in. That boy, for instance. But I see the distance in your eyes. You’re unreachable.” My eyes are wet as I stare fixedly at my toes. �śSorry.” My voice is so small I’m not sure she hears me. After a moment, she replies in a tired voice, �śYou don’t need to apologize, Alex.” �śAre you going to take me back now?” �śBack where?” �śTo The Children’s Center.” I should be expecting this�"but the thought of going back hammers my chest like a sucker punch. My mind reels with all I’d be leaving: the Fosters, my new friends, the feeling of safety I’m becoming dependent upon, and mostly Gabriel. For the first time in my life, I have something to lose. Tears I refuse to shed distort my vision, stinging my eyes. �śAlex, look at me. You have a home. My home is your home.” She pauses, as thoughts flicker behind her chocolate eyes, �śIs that what this is about? You’re afraid Steven and I will trade you in for a different model?” My head nods of its own volition, causing Kate’s breath to catch. �śOh honey, you are not an appliance. Steven and I�"we�"chose you. From that moment you were family to us, for better or worse.” My head continues to bob in understanding as I stare at the ground, feeling lost and insignificant, like an ant in the middle of Times Square. �śWhy me?” �śThe first time Steven and I saw you, we knew you were special.” I want to tell her I’m not, that I’m unworthy to be their choice. As if attuned to my thoughts, Kate says, �śJust because you don’t believe me, doesn’t make it any less true.” The multi-faceted feelings of relief and guilt do weird, indescribable things to my insides. Taking a couple of deep calming breaths, I tip my head up to meet Kate’s smiling one. With a tight smile of gratitude, I manage, �śJust tell me what you want Kate, and I’ll do it.” Kate’s champagne halo bubbles around her, warm and gentle. �śAll I want is for you to be yourself.” Is that all? �śI’ve got a few more dresses to try.” Like a coward, I retreat into the dressing room. All that’s left are the gowns I can hardly bear to look at, let alone model. The kind of garments worn by girls whose greatest worry is whether to wear their hair up or down. Sifting through the stack, stalling, I spy something unexpected, hidden between the folds of two brighter dresses. A simple black dress, elegant and understated. For the first time since agreeing to go on this errand, I actually want to try something on. The soft, pliable fabric�"crepe or chiffon or something�"covers a black satin sheath. As I slip it over my head, I lose myself in the gossamer texture, a whisper against my skin. Double rows of spaghetti straps hug my slim shoulders, standing out in stark relief against my pale skin. The rounded neckline doesn’t display my chest, but still manages to accentuate curves I didn’t even realize I possessed. Turning in the mirror, I marvel at how the dress fits my form, falling about my knees in filmy angles. The person I see before me isn’t Alexia, but somehow isn’t Alex either. The vision in the mirror’s just me. As my huge eyes stare at the girl in the glass, a foreign feeling ripples through my body. Longing. I want this dress�"and the life it promises�"understated yet elegant. Self-possessed. Despite the fact I don’t have a name for the girl this dress represents, I long to be her, a more trusting self than Alex, more grounded than Alexia�Ś �śDo I get to see this one? Please” Kate’s apologetic voice cuts through the spell, and the girl is gone. Suddenly I’m Alex again. Fighting the urge to change and return the dress to its hiding place, I freeze. There’s something in the timbre of Kate’s plea that makes me hesitate. Although I’m afraid of my longing, of what the dress represents, I open the door, my hands shaking. Kate’s breathy gasp of surprise fills my ears like a deafening roar. When she looks at me, her vivid brown eyes are swimming. There are tears in her smile, and for a moment I’m not sure if they’re the good kind or bad ones. A single delicate teardrop rolls down her cheek. �śYou look beautiful, Alex.” My own eyes are full, threatening to overflow. My heart’s in my mouth and I’m unable to do much other than nod gravely. Kate’s fluttering hand reaches forward, fingering the filmy fabric. Her face is distant, existing in another space and time as she murmurs absently, �śEvery young woman should own the perfect black dress. It works for nearly every occasion.” Although she has managed to keep her voice even, tears are flowing freely down her face. The occasion in her mind’s eye isn’t a happy one, and I can’t fathom how it must feel to lose someone you love, especially a child. My voice is barely audible when I speak. �śI don’t have to get this one. I don’t really need a dress at�"” �śNonsense!” Kate’s reply is firm, her face wet but smiling. �śIt’s your perfect dress�"you don’t get to say no. Now change, please, so we can buy it.” Later, we meet Steven at a downtown restaurant for dinner. The Fosters eat out every Saturday night, their weekend ritual. Tonight’s restaurant is dark, all teak and red cushions. Kate informs me the eatery’s Korean, but it doesn’t mean a whole lot, because I don’t have much experience with dining out, let alone ethnic foods. As we enter, I do a quick assessment of the inside. The bar’s small and not meant for loitering�"which is good because, in my limited observation, bars attract a disproportionate amount of dark halos.� The dining room’s awash in soft golden light of its occupants interrupted sporadically by faint gray smudges, but they’re isolated and of little concern to me. Steven, in a daffodil-colored haze, waves us across the room to a table by the window, his face lighting up as he locks eyes with Kate. Anyone can see by looking at him, he adores his wife. He’s always touching her lightly on the arms or shoulders, or bringing her flowers. If he’s still grieving, he does so privately. For his wife, he’s a bastion of strength. I admire him for that, his selflessness. But sometimes he’s too protective, too cautious, not in a controlling way but more of a heightened sensitivity sort of way. As if their life exists on top of a house of cards and could come crashing down the instant it gets emotionally off-balance. As Kate kisses him, a peck of greeting, they exchange one of their non-verbal communications. Her wide smile is unrestrained, carefree in its abandon. Grinning at his wife, Steven visibly relaxes. The tension melts from his face and body as he takes his cue from her. The smile enhances the deep lines of his face, making him even more handsome. So much resides in that look between them, but all he says is, �śI take it dress shopping went well?” Somehow, I comprehend he’s talking about more than just clothing. �śI think so.” Kate glances down shyly, then turns to me. �śAlex?” I feel shy as well. Things are different between Kate and me, and I can barely comprehend the changes let alone vocalize them. �śYes.” �śGreat.” Steven stares thoughtfully out the window while Kate busies herself by pouring tea from a steaming ceramic pot. Taking a cup of the hot, fragrant liquid, I inhale deeply before taking a sip. I’m savoring a mouthful of tea when Steven’s next words practically make it shoot out of my nose. �śSo when can we expect your young man over for dinner, Alex?” Fighting the urge to spew across the table, I force down a rough swallow despite the choking spasms in my throat. My eyes feel like they’re bulging dangerously out of their sockets. Still sputtering, I grab my water and take small, controlled sips. A blush creeps up my neck, burning into my cheeks and I’m helpless to stop it. When I finally find the courage to look up, Kate and Steven are smiling benignly at me, amusement sparkling in their eyes. The ever-present butterflies at the thought of Gabriel form a mosh pit in my stomach. Hastily returning my attention to my water glass, I ask, �śWhen do you want him to come?” When I peek through my lashes, I see Steven lean back in his seat, crossing his arms. There’s something playful and fatherly in his demeanor. �śHow about a week from tomorrow, for Sunday dinner?” With a hasty glance at Kate to secure her agreement, he declares, �śWe’ll expect him at four.” �śOkay.” I continue to blush into my drink until our food comes. Trying not to have a total meltdown at the thought of state-appointed custodians meeting� my significant�"yet frustratingly undefined�"�śboy” friend. Is it too much to hope that one of Gabriel’s hidden flaws is parent-phobia? He might say �śno.” Right�"and he just might sprout wings and fly while he’s at it. * Monday is dark, overcast and dreary. By midmorning, rain’s assaulting the city. The storm pounds against the walls of Midlands High, creating a confined, claustrophobic effect. The whole student body seems restless, like rats trapped at the start of a maze, waiting anxiously for something to happen. The pervasively gloomy atmosphere darkens the halos of those around me, and gives me an ill, edgy feeling. When the final bell of the day rings, the collective relief is palpable. After school, Gabriel produces a giant red umbrella that instantly reminds me of one of those romantic black and white posters. The kind where you see two bodies close together�"maybe the Eiffel Tower in the background�"and the kissing’s implied but you can’t see it because a giant red umbrella is blocking the view. Stop it. Find Derry. Avoid the darkness until I am no longer a minor. Keep control of my life. Do not fall in love. I repeat the things that matter, like a mantra. As we start walking, the �śUmbrella” song rolls around in my head. Not the bubble gum girl version, the techno one by Scott somebody. This gets me thinking about all the great bands that have covered the pop song, like Linkin’ Park, Plain White Ts, Manic Street Preachers, All Time Low, Biffy Cyclo, OneRepublic, and My Chemical Romance. �śCome on!” Suddenly the ache for music�"and Derry, since the two are intertwined�"has me clutching Gabriel’s arm. Ahead, I see the little shops with the cheerful, green awnings. Veering off course, I drag Gabriel across the street into the CD store. Inside, while Gabriel closes up the red umbrella and carefully places it against the haphazard pile in the corner, I assess the occupants. Weak grays and yellows�"I’m relieved to find no reason not to stay. Strangely Gabriel seems uncomfortable, so I smile reassuringly and taking his hand in mine, I lead him down a dark, narrow aisle flanked with overstuffed metal racks to a promising section label �śAlternative.” There’s something so soothing about being in the shop, surrounded by music. Something centering. Letting my fingers sift their way through the alphabet of bands, I ask, �śWhat kind of music do you like?” He shrugs, �śAll kinds, I guess. But I’m always looking to broaden my tastes. What do you like?” �śEverything.” As I continue sifting, I call out specific bands and albums: 311, blink182, Coldplay, Eels, Evanescence, the Fray, Garbage, Nickelback�Ś Pausing at the Os, I gasp. �śThis,” I exclaim holding up Our Lady Peace’s A Decade, and waving it in front of his nose, �śIf you don’t have this, I’m getting it for you.” Gabriel takes the case from me, his warm fingers brushing softly over mine. Flipping it over, he muses, �śI don’t know this one.” As I gaze at him my face cracks, the sensation of smiling now both familiar and pleasant. I’m happy to share this part of myself with him, even if it’s bittersweet because of my yearning for Derry. Gabriel’s luminous eyes drift from the CD back to me, and my thoughts, even the music and Derry, fade away. Not since our first meeting have I felt so engulfed by his presence. In this moment, nothing exists except him. He devastates me with his radiance. Like a scene in a movie, everything slows. The pupils of his eyes expand, swallowing up the vivid blue with desire. His smiling mouth opens, as his tongue darts between his lips causing them to glisten. Heat and the sweet scent of nature roll off him, filling my senses, intoxicating me. His halo blazes like a beacon. Caught in his gravitational pull, an invisible force pulls me toward him. I’m leaning and he’s leaning. My skin prickles from my toes to my neck as Gabriel reaches for me. As his head tips forward, mine strains upward to meet him. Less than a hair’s-breadth apart, Gabriel’s eyes widen and I know something’s wrong. The CD slips from his fingers landing on the floor with a jarring crash. His soft caress turns hard as he grips my arms, stopping my body from closing the distance between us. Time stops as he stares at me in horror. He doesn’t want me. I can’t breathe, can’t think. There’s a painful thumping in my chest and the roar of humiliation in my head is deafening. I have to get out of here�"away from him! Before I can force myself to flee, Gabriel twirls us around so I’m at his back. Utterly disoriented, it takes me a moment to comprehend he’s not reacting to me, but to something behind me. Gabriel’s now between me and whatever that something is. Keeping a death-grip on my arm as he edges us backwards down the aisle, I strain to see around him. But he’s too close. He fills my vision. At the end of the aisle he whirls with dizzying speed, grabbing my face with both hands. Unable to move my head, I still can’t see what’s causing his panic. His forehead touches mine as he forces me to stare into his agitated eyes. �śAlex,” he whispers, the urgency in his tone increasing my terror, �śWe’re getting out of here! Right now! I want you to bury your face into my shirt and not look at anything until we’re outside. Okay?” My head shakes slightly and I realize it’s Gabriel’s hands, trembling. I manage a nod, the barest of movements, and then I’m being pressed against him. His arm wraps around me, pinning my head tightly against his chest while his other arm blocks my vision as it curls to grip my shoulder. Against my hair he hisses, �śWe’re moving. Now!” Stumbling alongside him, Gabriel propels us purposefully down the far aisle toward the door. All I can see are the inside bulges of his upper arm and the sleeve of his faded blue t-shirt, until a beam of light slices across his chest indicating the door’s just ahead. I sense rather than see the clump of people between us and the exit. We don’t slow as we maneuver through the human labyrinth. My hip bumps against a rack throwing me off-kilter and my feet tangle with Gabriel’s. For a second his iron grip is broken as he tries to steady us. My arm flails connecting with soft human flesh. Instantaneous and excruciating cold, like being freeze dried, flashes through my body. Reflexively, I search for the source of the pain, my eyes scouring the immediate space. Instead of a person, I’m inches from a black abyss. Paralyzed, I watch as the blackness extends toward me in the form of thick oily tentacles. Smoke, acrid and thick, chokes my airways as I gasp, desperate for oxygen. As the abyss wraps around me, I pitch backwards. Suddenly I’m outside�"standing on the sidewalk. The air is so bright I have to shield my watering eyes. I suck great gulps of air into my aching lungs, as if I’ve just been pulled from a burning building. Vaguely aware of being restrained, I pull away from the hands that seek to pull me back inside, lurching forward like a crazed, wild animal. The voice is there�"calling my name�"offering reassurance. I search blindly for the speaker, but my surroundings are too brilliant. Disoriented, I open my arms, begging for help. The voice envelopes me, wrapping around me protectively, like a cocoon. Then there’s the sensation of leaving the earth�"hurtling through space toward the source. It’s like being pulled into the core of the sun. I come to my senses in Gabriel’s embrace. Although I have no recollection of the journey, we’re on the steps of the Fosters’ blue and white porch. Since I’m still unable to support my own weight, Gabriel gently lowers me to the top step, sitting by my side. I slump heavily against his shoulder, grateful to be encircled by his protective, solid arms. For a while I’m content to sit and nuzzle the soft cotton of his shirt. Inhaling deeply, I let his essence�"laundry soap, evergreens, and hardwood�"flow through me, washing away the lingering impression of soot. Beyond the shelter of the porch, rain is falling in a steady drizzle, a dense wall that shuts out our surroundings. When storm picks up ferocity, turning into a hard, cleansing rain that pounds against the earth, I am reminded of the red umbrella and the music store. �śWe left your umbrella.” The words have a lazy, dream-like cadence to them, and I don’t realize I’ve spoken aloud until Gabriel murmurs, �śI’ll get it later.” The thought of returning to that place makes me cold. The shivering begins. I breathe in Gabriel until my body calms. �śWhat was that thing?” �śI’m not sure.” �śWas it human?” �śYes.” Gabriel doesn’t move, but because of the way he’s wrapped around me, I feel him stiffen. Angling my head to see his face, I notice his jaw is tense. There’s a hard set to his features as he stares into the rain. �śHow did you know?” A rigid muscle in his jaw ticks, his left eyebrow dips, and then with a forced exhale, his face is as smooth as a mask. �śKnow what?” Slowly, I reach up to touch his cheek, but he subtly moves away, a nearly imperceptible shift. Although he’s averting his eyes, I see their haunted and distant quality. �śAbout me?” When he pulls back to answer me, his beautiful eyes are flat, as if their light has been extinguished. �śWhat about you, Alexia?” My own eyes grow huge as I stare at him. With a steady sinking in the pit of my stomach, I repeat the question, carefully enunciating every word. �śHow did you know about me?” Gabriel turns away. He can’t even look at me as he speaks. �śI don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” �śYes, you do.” I scramble away from him, certain to my core he’s lying. But I have no clue what his motivation is for doing so. My voice is sharp and higher in pitch as I continue to accuse him. �śWhy are you lying to me?” He stands�"a quick jerky motion that makes me jump to my feet in response�"and rakes his hand though his hair in frustration. �śWhy would I lie to you?” The fact he still can’t face me speaks volumes. My trust�"my faith –shatter into shards of rubble at my feet as I watch Gabriel close himself off. I can barely get enough air into my lungs to respond. �śYou tell me.” In the following silence, anger floods through me mixing with the hurt of his betrayal until I can barely contain my fury. I can’t ever remember feeling anything close to the wrath that now consumes me. It propels me forward until I’m standing next to him with my hands fisted on my hips, my muscles taut and quivering with rage. �śWhat exactly happened, then, back at the music store?” My icy voice doesn’t reveal the inferno boiling inside me. I continue to glare at his back as he answers the rain. �śA guy came in�"he seemed dangerous�"like a criminal or something.” �śNo!” �śI�"I thought I recognized him from America’s Most Wanted.” �śNo.” �śSo I tried to get you out of there.” �śNo.” �śBut you freaked out.” �śNo�"” �śSo I walked you home.” �śNo...” �śIt turns out it was nothing. I was completely mistaken.” No�Ś Like a flash fire, my fury burns itself out, leaving Gabriel’s final words ringing aloof and hollow in my ears. He has been an increasingly important part of my life for these past two months, and now as I stand close enough to wrap my arms around him, an insurmountable chasm divides us. I am bereft. The storm has ushered in a cold front and I hug myself against the chill. �śI’ll see you in the morning, Alexia.” He doesn’t look back. I grieve, watching Gabriel duck his head and stride into the storm. As he walks away, his halo flickers, dimmer than usual, and I can’t help but wonder if it has nothing to do with the rain, and everything to do with what has just transpired between us. CHAPTER 5 Whenever I’ve had one of those days, the song �śBad Day” gets stuck in my head�"on a loop. Not the good version with the hot guy. No, I hear the Chipmunks�"their high, screechy voices lamenting over lost magic. There was a little kid in one of my foster families who was obsessed with them, especially their movie. I must’ve heard the chipmunk version of that song, like a million times before things got difficult and I had to move on. What’s even worse than going to bed with the Chipmunks’ �śBad Day” on a loop, is when they’re still singing in the morning after I wake up. That’s how I know the day is really going to suck. Well that, and the fact I’ve decided to leave�"Gabriel, the Fosters, Midlands High. All of it. Kate, Steven, Becke, Jonah, and Gabriel�"they make me think about possibilities, a life that could never be mine. And while my heart’s pleading stay, my head’s screaming run! Running is easier. Now that I’ve made this decision, there’s a resigned, fatalistic quality to the morning as I go through the motions of getting ready for school. I can admit Gabriel’s changing me. Too much. Because of his brilliant halo, he must have a good reason for lying to me�"maybe even a great one�"but it doesn’t matter. The old Alex wouldn’t care enough to be upset. Unfortunately, I do�Ś Care. Every cell in my being wants to trust him�"but I can’t. Before I get outside I see Gabriel through the window panes in the front door, waiting. In the angles of heavy, cut glass, he appears abstract. Distorted. When I open the door he’s perfection again, but the disjointed impression remains. His smile is cautious but warm as I breeze by him without as much as a glance. Falling easily in step beside me, he has enough sense not to touch me as we walk. �śSo you’re not talking to me.” He’s resigned now too, recognizing his own culpability. I hazard a glance at his stoic face and want to break, to confess my burning need to trust in him and beg him to tell me his secrets, but instead I bite my lip until I taste blood. As we walk our seven blocks in silence, I concentrate on fortifying my resolve to leave. Like a robot, I move through my classes, letting Gabriel stand between me and the terrible darkness. Stubbornly he occupies my space, as if he’s entitled. When he leaves me at Government he says, �śI’ll see you after class, Alex.” Like nothing is wrong. At our usual lunch table, with Gabriel irritatingly at my side, I distract myself by listening to Becke make plans for our anti-homecoming/movie outing on Saturday. I’ll be gone by then, but I don’t ruin her enthusiasm by telling her so. Out of the corner of my eye I see Naomi doing unnatural things to a lollipop. She makes a blatant show of it. Like a vulture sensing a change in the pack, she picks up on Gabriel’s estrangement and is preparing to swoop in to devour him. I tell myself the sucker-sucking bitch can have him, but can’t work up enough anger to really mean it. Still, it shouldn’t matter because after school I’m going to call my case worker and insist to be removed from my current placement. Maybe I’ll go back to The Children’s Center. And maybe I’ll find Derry. �śSo which ones sound good to you?” Becke’s question catches me off guard and I rack my brain trying to remember what I’m supposed to have an opinion about�Ś right, movies. Faking a smile, I reply, �śWhichever one sounds best to you guys. Really, I’m easy.” Gabriel makes a low snort of disagreement, but all he says is, �śI’ll go along with whatever the group decides.” �śJonah?” Becke looks at him and he colors. Then, clearing his throat, he asks her to go through the short list again. As she complies, I cast surreptitious glances at him.� His halo is so ephemeral it’s nearly nonexistent. While this would be a character flaw in most, for a boy with tendencies toward the dark side, it’s a good thing. I observe him nodding attentively as Becke gives a brief synopsis of the new movies playing this weekend, and I wonder if she realizes she’s the reason for his unguarded smile. I try not to think about what happens to them after I leave. Unfortunately, my mind turns to darker things as we head to fifth period. The one thing I won’t miss is Mr. Creepy. Although he has lost some of his menace, his steely halo remains dark and inert, leaving an acrid taste on my tongue. I count the seconds until English is over and it’s time for gym. Coach Mann has divided the class up by sex for the basketball rotation. Two half court games�"boys at one end, girls at the other. I’m by no means a star athlete, but pounding a ball into the ground feels therapeutic. Playing with grave enthusiasm, I do my best not to notice the boys at the opposite end of the gym or the way Gabriel seems to be frowning at me every time my attention gets pulled in his direction. I occupy myself by imagining a soundtrack in my head, something fast and angry. A big F�" you! to the world. Keeping time to my imagined music, I �śaccidentally” bounce a pass to Naomi hard enough to knock her down. Unfortunately, she doesn’t stay that way. After class, she flounces up to Gabriel, reeking of insincerity and strawberry lip gloss. �śGabriel,” she drawls with a faux pout, �śI think your girlfriend’s mad at you and taking it out on me.” Before I can stop myself, I interject, �śI’m not his girlfriend.” Naomi’s brow lifts. Her lips curve slyly upwards as my denial registers with her. Crap! �śOh, really?” she purrs. Reaching out, she slides a manicured hand across Gabriel’s bicep and my stomach cramps, like she’s kicked me. But I pretend everything’s fine. Ignoring the cheerleader’s sticky advances, Gabriel continues to scowl at me in contradiction, saying nothing. He’s displeased�"and maybe a little hurt�"but then, so am I. Why does his reaction bother me so much, when I’m practically already gone? As I turn away, walking toward the locker room with my head high, I bite my lower lip again until the physical discomfort and coppery taste of blood distract me from the other pain. The seven blocks home are as quiet as the earlier trip. All day long, there has been a tightness in my chest, a shallowness to my breath, as if I’m on the verge of hyperventilating, or bawling. But I’m capable of neither. For me there’s no relief, just the sensation of being an over inflated balloon. Ever increasing pressure without release. Waiting to burst. Trying to shut out Gabriel’s nearness, I mentally rehearse what I’m going to say to the case worker during my call. I practice putting the blame squarely on myself and not on the Fosters. I’m just not happy here. I hate this stupid school. If I can’t go back to The Children’s Center, I’m going to run away. Stuff like that. Stuff I’ve used before. The thing I’m most sorry about, besides Gabriel, is disappointing Kate and Steven. But in time they’ll be able to replace me. They deserve a kid who appreciates what they have to offer. How great they are. As we reach the pretty porch, I realize I’m holding my breath�"literally. Quietly exhaling, I dig for my key in my mess of a backpack. As I rummage and curse under my breath, a familiar spot on my back begins to sing with awareness. I feel Gabriel’s barely there touch as he asks, �śHow long are you going to give me the silent treatment, Alexia?” How long are you going to lie to me, Gabriel? His tingling heat radiates across my back in small, soothing circles as he says, �śI can keep this up longer than you can.” Wanna bet? Grasping the elusive key, I unlock the front door. Unable to stand the feel of his hand on me, I pull away from the exquisite agony of his touch. But before I can go inside, my resolve crumbles and I whisper, �śGoodbye.” �śSo we’re talking now?” Even though I’ve decided to leave, something in my heart leaps with hope. One last chance Gabriel will answer my questions with the truth and I can stay a little longer. �śSure. You can start by telling me why you lied yesterday?” Watching his jaw stiffen, I know it’s over. We are over. All I want is to get safely inside before collapsing in on myself. Gabriel doesn’t look at me and when he speaks his voice is flat. �śYou’re not going to let this go. Are you?” �śNot today.” �śThen, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Alexia.” No, you won’t�Ś Staring fixedly at the red door I sense, rather than see, him leave. Going inside to the privacy of my room, I curl into a little ball, letting great, swelling sobs crash over me like turbulent ocean waves during a storm. For a brief time I feel my loss�"all I’ve been forced to become and everything I’ll never be�"because of my curse. And I mourn the loss of Gabriel, my protector and friend, the bright center of my life. My sun. Sometime later when I’m out of tears, I take the card I have for emergencies and a cordless phone. I can’t make the call from inside the Fosters’ house�"surrounded by their things, it feels too much like betrayal. So I go outside, to the cheerful back patio with the gas grill and matching wicker lawn furniture, to do what must be done. Staring at the card, I feel like I’m on the ledge of a building, poised to jump�"praying for someone to pull me back from the void�"but nobody comes. Numbly I dial, impassively noting the tremor in my hands. Someone answers after the third ring. �śHello?” I have to clear my throat before I can respond. �śYes, may I, please, talk to Mrs. Lopez?” My voice is small and brittle. �śWait!” Gabriel comes from the side of the house, his lean body moving in long, purposeful strides. As he closes the distant between us, his eyes swirl with emotion, his words urgent. �śPlease Alexia, don’t do this. Hang up the phone. I’ll tell you everything. Okay? No more lies. I promise! Just, please, hang up the phone!” The voice on the other end of the line barely registers as I absently press the disconnect button. Gabriel stops before me�"imploring and filling my senses. I’m so relieved he has come to stop me. And terrified, because I don’t know how to stay. Taking the phone from my shaking hands, he sets it aside and leads me to a wooden bench just off the deck. After I sit, he settles beside me so that our knees touch, creating a tiny, warm connection. Around us, multicolored leaves rain down from the trees as the earth prepares for the harder season ahead. Although the fall has been mild, I know the bitter cold’s imminent. Suddenly I crave a safe harbor, the warmth of Gabriel’s presence to shelter me from the bleakness of winter. Staring at Gabriel with dread-laced expectancy, I see the haunted look in his face noting twin points of agony in his beautiful blue eyes. I wait. He runs his hand through his sandy hair�"something he does when he’s upset�"and swallows. �śI’m going to tell you everything. I promise. But you first.” �śWhat?” I feel the confusion puckering my brow. �śYou have to tell me your secret, before I can tell you mine.” I’m not resistant to this, but it makes no sense. �śGabriel, I think you already know my secret.” �śI need to hear you say it. Tell me out loud.” �śWhy?” His hands, sure and sweltering, grasp mine. His deep voice pleads, �śPlease, tell me everything. From the beginning, right up to now. Trust me, Alexia.” And I do. Despite the hurt and the lies, I’ve never stopped trusting him. Not really. �śI see things, goodness and evil, in people.” He nods encouragingly but doesn’t interrupt. �śThe first time, I was maybe four or five. My mom had just died�"she killed herself.” Still silent, he squeezes my hand in reassurance. �śMy father passed away when I was a baby, so when my mom died, I went to a place for kids without relatives. Like an orphanage, only it’s not correct to call them that anymore. That was the first time I noticed people shined, when I stepped foot in that place. �śI didn’t recognize the darkness at first. Surrounded mostly by other children, what darkness there was, was fleeting. Before I could analyze it, it was gone. When I was six, I got placed in my first foster home. That’s where I learned about the darkness.” I remember the sensation of wetting my pants when I first encountered the woman with the boiling pewter halo but keep this bit of information to myself. Goosebumps shiver along my skin; however, I’m too deep inside myself to be bothered by the chill. �śMy first foster mother was the person responsible for me equating the darkness with evil. She was an expert at hurting us where it wouldn’t show. She had me for seventeen months before I could get away. I’ve never let anyone hurt me since.” I describe to Gabriel how I spent the next several years constantly in motion, in and out of The Children’s Center, never staying in one place for very long. Constantly running from the darkness. �śWhen I was twelve, one of my foster families returned me to The Children’s Center and I met Derry. I stayed for two and a half years because I couldn’t bear to leave him. But there was a boy, a teenager, who was so dark I couldn’t get near him without being sick. He started�"uh�"fixating on me. Trapping me in the hallway, stalking me to and from the bathrooms, stuff like that. There was so much hate emanating from his eyes. I don’t know what happened to him, but whatever it was, pretty much destroyed him. He was a monster in a human shell. �śHe started hassling Derry and I knew I had to get away�"it was the only way to keep Derry safe. For some reason, I seem to attract the really dark ones. They’re drawn to me�"like they sense I can see them for what they are�"their evil�"and they feed on it. �śThat’s what it was like the first day, with those boys and Mr. Creepy, until you showed up.” At some point Gabriel has removed his jacket and draped it over my shoulders. I don’t recall when it happened, but I pause to pull it tighter around my shivering body. Closing my eyes while I inhale, I center myself in the heady infusion of Gabriel’s scent trying to stave of the dread gathering in my chest. After a long moment, I consider Gabriel with my steady gaze. �śI’ve told you my terrible secret. Now tell me yours.” For a moment, he looks as if he’s considering lying again. I watch as a silent struggle wages behind his heavenly blue eyes, and then he admits earnestly, �śI’m assigned to you.” �śAssigned?” He nods. �śI’m your guardian.” �śLike a bodyguard? From the government or something?” His wan smile is sincere as he shakes his head slightly. �śNot like that.” �śLike what, then?” �śI’m your guardian. I was sent to you.” �śAs in guardian angel?” As ridiculous as the words sound on my lips, one glance at him confirms to my heart it’s true. His brow quirks. �śTechnically, I’m a Seraph.” �śBut you eat! I’ve seen you.” It’s funny I would think of our Oreos at a time like this. Then other thoughts come�"Gabriel sweating in gym, knocking Naomi with my backpack, the vulnerable look sometimes in his eyes, the scent of his laundry soap�"images flicker through my mind so rapidly I can’t process them all. �śFor many assignments the Seraphim take mortal shape, and for the duration we’re subject to the limitations of our human form. We eat, sleep, and have all the same bodily functions and emotional reactions as mortals. It’s part of our great burden, the challenge and sacrifice of being a guardian.” �śBut you have parents!” He nods. �śGabriel, the sixteen-year-old boy, has parents.” �śFictional parents?” �śNo. My parents are other Seraphs, who support a handful of guardians in whatever way their assignment calls for: mother, father, siblings, children, grandparents, aunts and uncles.” Even though I know he’s being honest, my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around the unbelievable circumstances. �śWhat about all those things you told me about your life? How do I know what’s true about you and what’s a lie?” �śA guardian’s life-story is infused with as much truth as possible.” �śAnd the surfing? You said you loved surfing!” �śI do. I’ve had the pleasure of surfing on more than one assignment. It’s one of my most favorite mortal things.” Mortal things. My addled brain takes a moment to absorb that. �śWhat do you really look like? Do you have wings?” He laughs. �śNo. And I don’t change shape if that’s what you’re asking. This form is as close to my true essence as a sixteen-year-old mortal can get. For assignments I may appear older or younger depending on the needs of my charge, but I’m always my true self.” Charge. Sent. Assigned. His words twist in my head, causing it to ache. �śSo I’m�"what�"your project? This is all an act? You were just pretending to be interested in me? Pretending to be my friend?” Gabriel presses his lips together. �śI wouldn’t say that.” �śWhat would you say then?” He takes a controlled breath before explaining in deliberate, careful words. �śIn mortal form, guardians succumb to mortality. Fear, pain, temptation. Hormones. We’re subject to the same feelings and reactions as all of humankind. But we possess an inner strength�"a discipline�"people can’t begin to comprehend. Fighting against those feelings is part of our mission, our great sacrifice.” �śSo, you don’t feel anything for me?” The look he gives me is too complicated to define. His answer�"when he finally gives me one�"comes out strained. �śOf course I feel for you.” �śBut you fight against it!” I can’t help the accusation. I’m entirely too raw to finesse my responses. Gabriel jumps to his feet, pacing. �śAs if I could fight against this. I don’t understand it. I’ve never felt so weak.” His last word sucks all the fury from my side of our discussion. Although he hasn’t meant it as a recrimination, I’m struck with guilt. �śI make you weak?” �śNo, you make me feel�"to the depths of my core. The sensations are overwhelming. You’re so powerful!” Taking a ragged breath, he gazes at me with unnerving intensity. �śDon’t you know how amazing, how beautiful, you are?” He’s talking about more than physical beauty, but I’m not ready to embrace that part of myself. Does he see people like I do? I think back to him the first day of school, so brilliant that I distrusted my own eyes. Now I realize some part of me knew, even then. �śYour halo,” I say. �śShow me.” Holding my breath, Gabriel’s pained expression mirrors mine as we stare at one another until our pretensions slip away leaving us naked and vulnerable. Eyes locked on my face, he gives a single nod. Then he explodes with blinding, white-hot light. For a moment Gabriel is the sun, my only purpose to revolve around him. And he’s more beautiful than I envision, more resplendent than I could ever imagine. His magnificence fills me until I can no longer contain it. Then he gently holds me while I weep. Later, when Gabriel has rocked me into a semi-peaceful stupor, I admit, �śI’m not meant to leave this time, am I? I’m supposed to stay.” I feel his face bob against my hair. �śYou’re supposed to discover your destiny. Become who you’re meant to be.” �śIs that why you’re here?” �śPart of it, yes�"but there’s more to it. I’ll explain everything, I promise, but another day.” When I start to protest he says, �śI’m not going anywhere, Alexia. We’ve got time.” I realize it’s true and, also, that I’ve reached my limit for what I can handle in one single day. First leaving, then staying, now this. A guardian angel�"my guardian angel! Quietly I admit, �śI’m afraid, all the time.” �śI know.” Gabriel’s arms tighten around me and I let myself think�"really believe for the first time�"things will be different. And maybe, I don’t have to face the darkness alone. CHAPTER 6 It seems strange that something as surreal as discovering I’ve got my very own, and very hot, personal guardian angel would contribute to a good night’s sleep. But I sleep like a baby and wake up more eager to face the day than I can ever remember. This morning I’m bursting with questions for Gabriel as we walk. �śSo, you said you do normal things like sleep and listen to music?” I wait for him to nod before continuing. �śAnd you said you live further down Midlands Avenue. Is your house some kind of angel safe house?” �śActually, it’s for sale. The price is great and it’s completely furnished,” he answers with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. �śBut I happen to know it won’t sell until after my assignment’s finished. In fact, there won’t be one single showing for a long while.” Somewhere in the back of my mind the word finished registers, but for the moment I push it away. �śSo how does it work? Do your parents and sister just sit around waiting to be needed or do they really work?” �śBoth and neither.” My eyebrows lift, causing him to chuckle before continuing his explanation. �śThey only come when I need them. The rest of the time they’re on other assignments, supporting other guardians.” Something from the other day niggles at my brain. �śThey’re not guardians?” �śNo, they’re Seraphs whose gift is support.” �śSo they’re still angels?” �śYep.” Another thought leaps out at me, causing me to stop in my tracks. �śSo all this time you’ve been all alone in that house? What do you do in the evenings and on weekends?” His eyes are tranquil, his smile peaceful as he replies, �śI read, listen to music, occasionally watch T.V. But mostly I use the quiet to meditate and think�"I think a lot about you.” A small shiver of satisfaction trembles electrically up my spine. �śYou do?” To cover my reaction, I turn and start moving again toward school. Automatically, Gabriel falls into step with one warm hand flush against the small of my back. �śYes. I’m very attuned to you.” Cascading thoughts tumble in my brain, and for the next half block I quietly sift through them. There’s something else I need to ask, but now�"surrounded by a growing mass of students�"is not the time. Gabriel being a Seraph changes things. All the times my instincts were screaming at me that he knew more than he was saying are confirmed. He has answers. Answers I desperately need. �śWhat are you thinking about Alexia?” As the foot traffic around us becomes heavier, I push away the questions that must wait for later. Instead, I confess, �śI think about you sometimes, too.” * �śSo do we have a winner?” Becke’s asking about our movie outing on Saturday, only this time I’m paying more attention because I’m staying. I can count on one hand the previous times I’ve been to a movie theatre and still have a couple of fingers left over. Nervously, I glance at Gabriel who slides me a couple of Oreos and surreptitiously squeezes my hand before answering. �śWhy don’t you surprise us, Becke? You and Jonah pick the movie and Alex and I will figure out the restaurant.” Then he winks at me. �śIt’ll be even more fun that way.” Jonah nods. His inky hair falls around his shoulders causing him to sweep it back as the scent of his shampoo reaches us. Something clean and spicy, subtly hinting at masculinity. Since our unlikely little group has formed, Jonah’s been taking more care with his appearance. I note his crisp dark blue t-shirt depicting the evolutionary chain from monkey to robot and realize when he’s not succumbing to his volatile, dark side he has an obscure and pleasing sense of humor. Becke’s sharp eyes follow my gaze. �śI like your shirt, Jonah.” She smiles broadly, causing him to swallow twice before managing, �śUh, thanks.” He fixes his eyes on the scarred lunch table as color rises against his pale cheeks. In unison we begin to gather up the remnants of our lunch, but before we’re able to stand Jonah’s head whips around to smile nervously at Becke. �śMaybe I could call you tonight and we could talk�"I mean, decide on the movie for Saturday?” All around us lunch time is breaking up in animated bursts of movement and chatter, but our table’s frozen with suspense. I try not to stare, not wanting to intrude on their personal moment. In my peripheral vision, I see Gabriel, smiling to himself while he studies our Oreo wrappers. �śOkay,” Becke pulls a pen from her backpack; her gossamer lemon halo sparkles like sunshine on a deep, clear lake. With quiet assurance, she meets Jonah’s astonished stare. �śNow,” she demands lightly, �śGive me your hand.” Hesitantly, he offers her his left hand. As Becke takes it in both of hers, there’s no doubt about the chemistry between them. She continues to hold his hand while she writes her number then confirms he can read her writing. When she lets go, Jonah cradles his hand to his chest as if it contains precious treasure. �śSo, I’ll call you.” He has no discernable halo, and that’s very good. Becke’s halo twinkles in response as she says �śOkay.” I’m happy for them. The warning bell causes us to leap to our feet and scramble though the mostly empty cafeteria toward English. For once, the ever present dread at the prospect of facing Mr. Creepy has little hold over me. It’s not that I no longer fear the dark, but instead I possess something greater than my fear. My own guardian Seraph, Gabriel. By the time school’s out, the temperature has dropped. Although sunny, a brisk fall wind whips with violence, chilling me in unexpected places as it heralds the onset of winter. Walking into the icy gusts, I shrink against Gabriel’s warmth. Unexpectedly he wraps his arms around my hunched shoulders, pulling me even closer to him. �śSo where do you want to go to eat Saturday?” he asks. Nearer than usual, his heated breath tickles my neck as we walk. His question reminds me Kate and Steven expect him for Sunday dinner. Taking advantage of a corner building that acts as a buffer from the wintery drafts, I step against the brick wall to gaze up at Gabriel. �śUm, I totally forgot. The Fosters want you to come for dinner Sunday. I would’ve told you sooner but we were fighting and, well�Ś” Running out of explanation, I give a helpless shrug. Gabriel frowns, causing me to instantly regret my offer. Backpedaling, I stammer, �śOf course, if you have something else to do or you don’t want to come�"it’s fine.” Something close to alarm crosses his face. �śAre you thinking I don’t want to come?” My back is pressed so hard against the wall I can feel every contour of the freezing, rough surface. And Gabriel’s in front, crowding me so I can’t move. His expression is deep and searching, melting my insides despite the surrounding chill. Absorbing his warmth as it crashes over me, I explain, �śYou were frowning.” �śBecause you thought I was fighting with you.” One of his hands is over my shoulder, braced against the cold wall. The other, reaches to capture a stray tendril of hair. Twining it absently around his finger, he says, �śI hope you understand now, I wasn’t fighting with you. I was fighting with myself, and I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you. Please forgive me?” Tearing my gaze away from his anguished eyes, I become distracted by his partially open mouth and perfect, white teeth. His tongue darts between his lips wetting them enticingly as I force my gaze back upwards. �śI understand and forgive you. Will you forgive me?” His fingers release my hair to brush lightly against my cheek. He shakes his head at my request. �śThere’s nothing to forgive, you were confused and hurt. I never want to hurt you. Will you always remember that?” His blazing eyes are fierce and surprisingly tender. Gulping, I try to remember how to form words. �śI will. Uh�"does that mean you want to come Sunday?” My question breaks the tension and he shifts ever-so-slightly away. With a small smile he teases, �śHmmm, let me see�Ś My options are to sit around an empty house on Sunday, thinking about you OR to actually spend the day being with you.” Sucking in his breath between his teeth, he says, �śThat’s a tough choice. I’ll need to think about it.” Giving him a shove of mock annoyance, I try to pull away but he envelops me from behind in a giant bear hug. �śI would love to come!” Feeling giddy from our contact and intoxicated by his outdoorsy scent, I let myself relax against his hard angles, admitting, �śI would love for you to come!” Despite Gabriel’s proximity, the bitter wind blasting into my face causes me to shiver. With a frown he moves back to my side, declaring, �śLet’s get you home before you freeze to death.” Suddenly he’s all business as he hastens me toward the shelter of the Fosters’ residence. Once we’re securely on the blue and white porch with the red door, the tension between us comes flooding back. While I stand expectantly in the cold�"doing my best not to shake�"Gabriel leans in and tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear, his fingertips tingling my skin where he grazes my cheek. His eyes are luminous, recalling to me the overwhelming sensations of witnessing him in all his angelic glory. Gazing at him, I can’t help but ask, �śWhy me?” �śYou’re special.” �śNo, I’m not�"” His finger presses against my lips, halting my denial. �śYes you are. You know it�"you just refuse to see it. All you need to do is open your eyes.” It’s my greatest hope and worst fear come true, that my ability isn’t just an aberration of genetics, like an extra digit, but something bestowed for a purpose. Still, I can’t help but whisper, �śMy curse.” �śNo, Alexia, you have a gift. A very rare and precious gift or I wouldn’t be here.” This surprises me. What little I know about guardian angels is they come to anyone who’s in terrible crisis in their time of need. Like in that old, black and white Christmas movie. �śDoesn’t everyone have a guardian angel?” �śYes, if they need one, but very few get me. I’m one of less than a handful of Greater Seraphs�"Greater as in Higher Purpose�"not as in better. We have particular talents as guardians no other angels possess. The assignments I’m given are unique to me because of my gifts, because no one else is called to do what I do.” My voice is awed�"low and breathless�"and maybe a bit scared. �śWhat do you do?” He turns away, thoughtfully watching the wind rearrange the leaf-strewn lawn. His explanation is careful, as if he’s trying to order his words into a context I’ll understand. �śA combination of things, really. Mostly, I’m called to stand in the gap between good and evil�"at all costs. But I’m also here to help you�"accept�"your gift. So you understand what you’ve been given and embrace your destiny.” �śBut why now? I mean I’ve been dealing with this, or not dealing with it, for almost ten years. So why now?” Turning back to face me, the look on his face is paralyzing. His partially crazed eyes, agonized and deeply apologetic, send goose bumps prickling uncomfortably across my skin. Staring at me with those terrible eyes, he says, �śBecause now is when you need me the most.” He pauses briefly to compose himself, but cannot completely mask his dread. �śAlexia, something’s going to happen�"to you�"and I’m here to prevent it.” His fear pierces me like a sword and for a moment all I can do is stare at him in shock. �śWhat’s going to happen, Gabriel?” �śI don’t know.” The shaky tone of his voice matches the one in his eyes, like he’s about to crack. I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off. �śWhatever’s going to happen is the main purpose for my assignment. But not even I have foreknowledge of what the event is or when it’ll happen. That’s part of my particular burden�"my unique gift.” I’m stunned! Some really bad things have happened to me. Numerous times I’ve encountered dark ones and their evil�"up close and personal�"and none of those situations were severe enough to warrant a Guardian. So what the hell is going to happen to me? Panic, like an insidious infestation, crawls through my veins, torquing my heart, cutting off my airways, and making my head spiral beyond rational thought. Before I know it, Gabriel gathers me into his arms. Holding me tight, he breathes for me, slow and peaceful. His voice whispers like a soothing balm into my ear. �śIt’s going to be all right. Whatever happens, I’ll stop it. I’ll protect you. That’s why I’m here Alexia. The only reason I’m here�"to keep you safe.” Around the chattering of my teeth, I ask, �śBut how will you know?” �śWhen the time comes, I’ll know.” That there’s no doubt in his voice does little to help me dispel the terror of the unknown. �śHow can you be certain?” �śI always know.” His words are as reliable as he is, enveloping me in reassurance. After my trembling stops, he pulls back to regard me, saying, �śI know it’s hard for you, but you’ve got to trust me. That’s part of why I’m here. You can tell me anything. Everything.” Waiting for me to process, Gabriel, my guardian, radiates purpose. Gazing at him, I wonder if the candidness goes both ways. Gabriel obviously has all the answers�"if I ask, will he tell me everything? �śTell me about the CD store.” Although his lips press together disapprovingly, his head dips in a single nod of agreement. �śIt was just a customer�"but the evil in him�"the righteous fury he evoked in me. The minute he stepped into the store, his eyes settled on you�"like a magnetic pull. My need to protect you went into overdrive.” Recollecting the horror of touching that particular darkness, I ask, �śWould he have hurt me?” �śI don’t think so. Not there. But he likes to hurt women�"the kind of guy who thinks �Śno’ means �Śyes’.” �śWhat did he look like to everyone else in the store?” �śHandsome guy, mid 20’s, nice clothes, inviting smile�"the perfect mask for evil. A perfect predator.” Gabriel’s words are chilling. There are deceptively attractive monsters walking the earth, and we’re the only two that can see them for what they truly are. It’s a terrible secret to keep�Ś to share. �śGabriel, why can I see them? Why me? And don’t say because �ŚI’m special’. I need a real explanation. I feel like I’m going crazy.” He grips my shoulder. �śYou’re not crazy. You’re gifted. Unfortunately, that’s all I can tell you.” �śAll?” �śI’m sorry Alexia, but you’re going to have to discover your gift on your own.” So much for confiding everything. Gabriel leaves me feeling conflicted. As I watch him walk away, his cryptic response reminds me that he’s been sent to complete an assignment. And while I trust him with my life, my heart is another matter. Find Derry. Avoid the darkness until I am no longer a minor. Keep control of my life. Do not fall in love. * Going to a crowded public place�"willingly�"triggers all kinds of unpleasant thoughts on the short drive downtown. Why do I draw the darkness? Is it part of my curse, or rather my gift as Gabriel would have me accept? Why do I even see it in the first place? My stomach begins to knot in anticipation, and not in a good way. Newport Levee on the Ohio River is bustling with activity on Saturday night. With an aquarium, a ton of stores, theatres, a giant arcade, and several restaurants, it’s a weekend mecca for entertainment and dining. But the unseasonably warm day has lured even more people than usual to the open air mall for a last outdoor fling before the colder weather of winter settles over them. Becke and I ride together. As Kate, our designated driver, pulls her white, retro Volkswagen into the drop off lane, the mass of humanity with their dull gray and flimsy yellow halos hits me. Everywhere I look, I see families, couples, and groups of teens strolling. While most are benign, the darker ones are there as well. And I know even more will come as the evening progresses, attracted by the bars and crowds. For a second I don’t move, struggling with my doubt as to whether I can go through with this. Usually I would avoid a place like the Levee at all costs, but Kate’s so happy I’m going out with friends, I can’t back out now. As I grip the door handle, Kate smiles a bubbly little smile, saying, �śGirls, I’ll be right here at eleven fifteen to pick you up. All right?” We nod and thank her for driving before slipping from the safety of the car. Becke waves from the sidewalk as Kate drives away. Then she turns to me expectantly. In a light emerald sweater and peasant skirt, Becke’s ready for our evening out. Her strawberry hair’s been freshly cut and styled in a way to minimize the frizz. She wears light makeup and cute, yet sensible, shoes�"green flats to match the sweater. I’ve also put on a little make up and dressed up�"sort of�"wearing a black sweater with my nicest jeans. Feeling uncomfortable enough about the situation, I couldn’t add to my vulnerability by wearing a skirt. But even my carefully chosen outfit is ineffectual as I helplessly survey my surroundings, completely frozen. �śWhat time do you think the boys’ll show?” Becke asks nervously. Both her parents and the Fosters know there are boys in our group, but since it’s a group outing rather than a date, we haven’t told them we’re only four in total. We don’t want them to worry needlessly. As if on cue, Gabriel and Jonah come bustling down the wide staircase that leads from the pavilion to the street level. As we say our hellos, Gabriel puts his hands on me, tighter than usual, and whispers so only I can hear, �śSorry.” I whisper back though gritted teeth, �śI’m fine.” Our covert discussion comes to a surprised halt as we watch Jonah take Becke’s hand in his. Maybe he’s simply escorting her up the stairs�"or maybe, this is more like a date than I realize. Becke smiles shyly saying, �śIt’s a really nice evening.” Jonah, who’s wearing a shirt with a collar and khaki pants, bobs his head in agreement. �śIt’s really cool up there. There’s a pretty good band playing over by the aquarium and a balloon artist.” �śOh, have you guys been here long?” Becke lets Jonah lead her up the steps as Gabriel and I ascend behind them. �śAbout an hour or so.” Dropping his voice Jonah confides in a mock sotto tone, �śGabriel’s never been here before, so he insisted we check the place out before meeting up with you girls. It’s a guy thing.” Giving us a wink over his shoulder, he turns his attention back to the red-haired girl beside him. Slowing down to gain a bit of privacy, I ask, �śYou checked things out?” Smiling but grave, Gabriel nods. �śI wanted to be sure it was safe for you.” Even though I assume it is�"because we wouldn’t be heading into the maelstrom otherwise�"I want to hear him say the words. �śIs it?” �śYes, Alexia, it’s safe. And I’m not leaving your side, so relax.” He gives me a brief, reassuring squeeze. �śI want us to have fun tonight.” �śRight.” I don’t mean to sound skeptical, but we’re heading into a mass of bustling halos. I can’t help but be on guard, and then I marvel at the fact I have to put my guard deliberately up, like a rusty, disused piece of armor. There’s something disconcerting but also freeing about the thought, because I’m no longer Alex, the girl who runs. I am me, the girl who’s staying. At the top of the stairs I stop to survey the colors in front of me. Other than a pocket of darkness to my far left, the scene is surprisingly benign. Plus Gabriel’s here, filling my left side, gently steering me away from danger. His nearness causes my anxiety to melt away, enabling me to see things in a different way. Observing the scene on the pavilion, I see interactions�"before me are children, with heavy cones of dripping ice cream, testing their parents; unhurried older couples, strolling hand in hand, their lined faces softened in relaxation; younger, boisterous groups, pausing expectantly to listen to kiosk workers sell their wares like medieval fair hawkers�"not merely light and darkness but humanity as it’s been throughout the ages. Suddenly I have the silly urge to buy a flowered wreath for my hair to commemorate the evening. From the opposite end of the square music begins�"a folksy version of something originally meant to be punk, which draws us forward. As we drift toward the melodious sounds, Jonah asks, �śWhere are we going for dinner?” �śDeweys?” My inflection goes up more like a question than a statement. He smiles, approving of the moderately priced pizza place I’ve chosen. �śWhat movie did you guys choose?” Jonah’s broad grin widens. With a conspiratorial glance at Becke they answer in unison, �śSurprise.” The cinema at the Levee has twenty screens, so it’s impossible to venture a guess. I glance at Gabriel, but he just shrugs in response, as baffled as I am. Whatever it is, they seem pretty pleased with their choice. * �śMarriage of the Dead?” We’re in the indoor part of the mall, in the large central area. After gorging on gourmet pizza, we are progressing to the entertainment portion of our outing. The boys are in line buying tickets when Becke reveals the big surprise. Her eyes widen slightly as she tries to read my reaction. �śThat’s okay, isn’t it? It was Jonah’s idea to see a scary movie.” It’s amusing that despite Becke’s blatant preferences for comedies, she has deferred to Jonah. I give her my best reassuring smile. �śI guess, it’s fine.” In a low voice meant not to be overheard, she explains, �śHorror movies are great date movies. Lots of hand squeezing and if you get scared, just press your face into Gabriel’s chest.” It shocks me that Becke, of all people, thinks we’re on dates. �śBut this isn’t a date. It’s a group outing.” Rolling her eyes at me, she laughs. �śAlex, that’s just what kids say when they’re not sure if the person they’re interested in wants the outing to be a date or not. Two girls, plus two guys, plus dinner and a movie equals double date.” Shaking my head in denial, I attest, �śBut Gabriel and I are just friends.” �śReally?” She raises a slim eyebrow in disbelief. �śHe never leaves your side, he’s always touching you, and the way he looks at you when you don’t know he’s watching�"” �śHow does he look at me?” �śLike you’re the only reason he exists.” I let the blush on my cheeks answer for me. What am I going to say? That Gabriel looks at me that way because he’s my guarding angel? That he’s assigned to me? Of course he has some feelings�"you must care about someone if you’re going to protect them�"but those feelings are part of his mortal burden. His great sacrifice. His struggle. He isn’t really a teenaged boy, so how could he like me like one? The answer�"he can’t. �śReady for some zombie mayhem?” Jonah rubs his hands together in exaggerated anticipation and I’m grateful for the interruption. �śI guess�Ś” Tucking an inky strand of hair behind his ears, he asks, �śYou’re not scared? Are you Alex?” I’ve never seen a zombie movie. In fact I’ve never seen a scary movie at all, so I don’t really know what I am. Instead, I bluff, �śNo way. It’s not like zombies are real or anything.” Trying to rattle me, Jonah challenges, �śAren’t they?” �śDon’t be ridiculous Jonah,” Becke playfully chides, coming to my rescue. As she curls her hand around his bicep, leading him in the direction of the theatre, I think about the existence of good and evil and guardian angels. Maybe zombies exist, too? As if reading my thoughts, Gabriel captures my chin with his hand. Gently turning my face to his, he shakes his head. �śThere are no such things as zombies, except in movies.” Not completely convinced, I open my mouth, but he stops me by stating unequivocally, �śAngels�"real. Zombies�"not real. Trust me on this one.” Then he winks. By the end of the movie, I learn two things about myself. First, I’m glad zombies aren’t real, because there are enough bad things in the world. Second, I don’t really enjoy movies. The actors’ halos get in the way. It’s hard to get drawn into the horror of a horde of undead ravaging everybody in sight when they’re surrounded by an innocuous yellow haze of goodness. I’m about to whisper this to Gabriel, when we’re interrupted by something far worse than zombies. �śGabriel!” His name reverberates across the hollow distance of the mall, drawing unwanted attention to both the self-absorbed shrieker and the unfortunate object of her cries. Helpless to do anything but wait, we watch as Naomi, dressed in a raspberry colored homecoming gown complete with tiara and sash, descends on us. Behind the teen queen bursts a profusion of garish colors, her own scary horde of homecoming cheerleaders from hell following in her wake. Homecoming cheerleader zombies from hell�"now that’s a movie someone should make! Becke, with her hand still wrapped around Jonah’s upper arm, mutters under her breath, �śOh, joy.” Jonah remains silent, but his misty halo quivers slightly. Quietly, before Naomi can close the distance between us, Gabriel says, �śLet me handle this.” Stoically he steps forward, like a knight about to fall on his sword in the protection of his people. �śGabriel! I thought that was you.” Clad in tight, reddish-purple fabric, Naomi’s dress leaves little to the imagination. As her hand shoots out to touch his shoulder, I notice her long, perfect nails are color coordinated for the occasion. We’re still the center of attention as her huffing entourage�"complete with Kendra Douglas in a peacock blue mini-dress�"comes wobbling up behind her. Apparently, the waxed marble floor of the mall and high heels don’t mix so well. Kendra nearly wipes out trying to stop and grabs at Naomi for balance, which causes Naomi to totter as a result. Ever the gentleman, Gabriel grabs Naomi about the waist and steadies her. Before he can let go, she places her girlish hands around his wrists locking him in place. To tear his hands away from her death grip now would draw more attention to our little group, not to mention appearing unspeakably rude. Contemplating the broader group, Gabriel asks, �śI thought you guys were at the dance?” �śIt was lame.” Naomi gives a shake of her head, drawing attention to the sparkly symbol of teen royalty. �śBesides I got what I came for, so no need to stick around.” Batting her eyelashes, Kendra adds, �śAnd we heard you were here. So we came looking for you.” With a slight frown, Naomi lets go of one of Gabriel’s wrists to elbow Kendra in the side, indicating she should shut up. Gabriel uses the moment to his advantage and expertly slips from Naomi’s manicured clutches. �śWell, we were just leaving, so, you guys have fun.” As he turns his back on them, Naomi grabs his shirt with her raspberry claws. �śWait, Gabriel. Hang out with us.” �śI’m with friends. Sorry.” At the word friends, Naomi gives me a thinly veiled, triumphant sneer. Ever since I told her Gabriel wasn’t my boyfriend, she’s been abominably aggressive in pursuing him. Mostly Gabriel ignores her, but it still bothers me. A lot. �śYes, friends. Well, another time then. Come on girls.” Turning in a careful half circle, she walks away with her court haphazardly following. Watching their retreat, Jonah breaks the tension, stating, �śYou should’ve let her fall on her royal ass.” We all chuckle as accompanying images dance through our heads. Rolling his eyes at them, Gabriel agrees, �śYou’re right. I should have. Me and my stupid reflexes.” With mock sincerity Becke retorts, �śWe forgive you, this time, just don’t let it happen again.” As we escape from the confines of the mall into the open air and crowds of the pavilion, I can’t help but admit Gabriel’s right about the evening. I’m having fun. Becke must feel the same, because with a reluctant sigh she says, �śOur ride’s probably waiting for us.” As she turns quietly to Jonah, I whisper in Gabriel’s ear, �śYou were right. I had a great time.” His smile reaches up into his eyes, crinkling them as he grins at me. �śI’m glad.” We gaze at each other for a moment before he murmurs, �śYou shouldn’t make Kate wait. I’ll see you tomorrow at four.” And just like that the buoyant, carefree sensation in my chest dissipates, replaced by jagged anxiety at the awkward thought of my �Śfriend’, who’s really a guardian angel, meeting my foster parents. Too bad too, because up until this moment, I’m having one of the best nights of my life. CHAPTER 7 Three-fifteen. Gabriel will be here in exactly forty-five minutes. He won’t be late because, well, he’s a guardian angel and has absolutely nothing else to do except watch over me. So in forty-five�"make that forty-four�"minutes now, he’ll be in the living room of my foster parents’ home making small talk and sipping soda. Taking a deep breath, I focus on my inhalation and the controlled exhale. In and out. Centering and peaceful. When I feel calmer, I emerge from my room in search of busy work. Wearing a pleated denim skirt Kate bought me for special occasions, I don’t feel like myself, which fits since I’m having an out of body experience. My favorite burnt orange top and mud colored front tie sweater help a little, but I actively resist the urge to change into my most comfortable pair of jeans. Kate breezes past looking like she’s stepped from the pages of the latest fashion magazine. Her moss colored wraparound dress clings kindly to all the right curves. All day she’s been fluttering around the house arranging flowers, preparing the meal�"lamb with mint sauce, of all things�"and touching up surfaces that she’s already polished to perfection. She’s nervous. We all are. When I ask to help, she tells me to just �śrelax”, as if I could in a skirt that barely falls to my knees. It would make a whole lot more sense to receive important guests in sweatpants. Then you could be at your most relaxed, instead of all dressed up and having to sit carefully, as if you were made of glass. It’s cold enough for Steven to make a fire, so I sit in a high-backed chair I rarely ever use because it feels too formal, and watch as he expertly coaxes blue-orange flames to life. Regarding his handiwork, he asks lightly over his shoulder, �śAre you okay, Alex?” Even the slowest person could see I’m distracted, and since Steven’s perception is quite astute, I wonder what he really means. Giving a lame shrug, because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, all I can think to say is, �śKate won’t let me help.” A counterbalance to his wife, Steven smiles�"an easy, untroubled grin�"and nods. �śThat’s just her way. She wants everything to be perfect for when we meet this boy of yours.” Inwardly, I groan. �śHe’s not my boy�"or my anything�"we’re just friends.” �śEven so.” The leaping flames reflect off the surface of Steven’s hazel eyes, giving them an enigmatic quality, and again I ponder his deeper meaning. He stands and brushes stray ash from the sleeves of his forest green dress shirt. His cuffs are rolled to the elbows in a casual attitude belying the formalness of the crisp, starched fabric and precisely creased dress pants. Rubbing his hands together, he barks with enthusiasm, �śFootball. That’s what we’re missing.” Absently I nod, grateful for any distraction, even the sports kind. While Kate flutters and Steven argues with the television, I inhale the fragrant scent of burning hardwood and wonder about the freckled, red-headed boy whose picture adorns the mantle. Based on the one family portrait I’ve seen, I guess the boy would be about my age now. If he’d lived, would Kate be making lamb with mint for the first girl he invited to dinner instead of for me? I know I’m not a misplaced substitute for their dead child or anything, but the nagging question why me? percolates in the back of my mind. The doorbell rings, a jarring clang that halts our activity for a split second before we switch into turbo-action mode. Steven and I jump to our feet simultaneously while Kate pops her head out of the kitchen lamenting, �śHe’s early.” Waving me off, Steven sprints to the door, declaring, �śI’ll get it.” Before turning the knob, he stiffens. His demeanor is suddenly stern�"nearly fatherly�"and I briefly wonder if he’s going to produce a shotgun and proceed to clean it during dinner. Wiping her hands on her apron, Kate emerges from the kitchen and motions for me to join her. Her hand squeezes my shoulder in what I can only assume is meant to be support, but in her nervous enthusiasm the grip’s too tight. Oddly, I find the pain reassuring. Standing off to the side of the front door next to my foster mom, I hear her gasp as Gabriel enters the room. Dressed in a beige wool turtleneck and cords the color of summer wheat, he’s stunning. The pale fabric emphasizes the light streaks in his hair. His eyes, the blue of a perfect summer sky, are alight with joy as he steps gracefully into the room. A light fragrance�"something clean, fresh and outdoorsy, tantalizes my nose�"Gabriel’s unique scent. Certainly, I can understand Kate’s response to the epitome of teenaged beauty filling the small entryway. Given her initial reaction, it’s good she can’t see the nearly blinding halo that accompanies him. Now that I know who and what he really is, Gabriel no longer tries to dim his halo to an inconspicuous level. Although not the fully unrestrained glory he’s capable of, he’s still glorious enough that I have to resist the urge to shield my eyes. As his brilliance radiates in the confined space, my heart speeds up expectantly. Despite the automatic biological reaction, my body infuses with the warmth and peace of his calming presence. Knowing I should handle the introductions, I stand open-mouthed and useless; too dazzled and nervous to be a good hostess. Luckily, Steven steps forward. When he introduces his wife, Gabriel presents her with a large mixed bouquet bursting with purples and yellows. �śFor you, Ma’am.” As she takes it, murmuring her thanks, he deftly plucks a single pink rose from the center and hands it to me. �śFor you, Alex.” Still dazed, Kate reaches for the rose. �śWhy don’t I take that for you? I’ll put it in water. Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes, so just relax and enjoy yourselves. I hope you like lamb, Gabriel. It’s my specialty. My father worked in England for a number of years and lamb became a favorite of his, so I learned to cook it for special occasions. Not that this is a special occasion�"I mean�"not that it’s not special having you over�"I mean�"oh, gosh�"I’m babbling, aren’t I?” I’ve never seen Kate so flustered. With an amused smile, Steven places a gentle hand under her elbow, suggesting, �śWhy don’t I give you a hand in the kitchen, dear?” As he leads her off, she’s still babbling under her breath. When they’re out of earshot, I turn to Gabriel with huge eyes. �śWhat did you do to her?” Shrugging he says, �śBeats me.” But his smile’s so affecting that I’ve a hard time believing him. Unable to think coherently, I stammer, �śWe made a fire.” Turning toward the living room, I feel Gabriel’s heat wash over my back as he follows. Gingerly perching on the edge of the formal chair, I watch him sit on the closest end of the sofa with fluid grace. Some uncontrollable urge prompts me to hunch forward and whisper in a pained, confidential tone, �śI’m really sorry. I’m sure this isn’t in the job description. If you want to leave, I’ll understand.” �śDon’t be silly, Alexia. There’s only one place I want to be and that’s wherever you are.” His eyes are liquid, rippling like the sea. As I watch, a rogue wave of anguish flows across them and then vanishes as quickly as it appears. �śWhy do I get the feeling there’s even more you’re not telling me? Beyond the assignment and the guardian thing, there’s something else. But I don’t know what it is.” His face turns somber as he leans closer, close enough I can feel the stir of his breath against my suddenly dry lips. �śYou’re so perceptive. With you, it’s like I’m an open book. You read me so easily and see the things I try to hide. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want�"” He takes a ragged breath, his eyes flickering to my mouth. �śI want�"” �śSo are you a football fan, Gabriel?” Steven’s ill-timed entrance causes us both to jerk upright in our seats. My chest hitches painfully because the moment has been ripped in two, and for a spell I can do nothing more than battle my runaway rollercoaster of emotions. When I manage to regain some control, I glance at Gabriel for a sign we’ll continue later where we’ve left off, but he just stares at the dancing fire, his face an indecipherable mask. Stephen sits at the far end of the sofa, and for the next half hour, he and Gabriel discuss sports while I stew over the near confession ripped from my grasp. After revealing his divine nature, the fact he’s a greater Seraph, I’ve got no clue what secrets he could still be keeping�Ś nor why they’d cause him such agony, but I’m desperate to find out. As I sit across from Gabriel at dinner, making small talk and forcing tiny bits of lamb around the lump in my throat, I continue to search for a sign that our earlier conversation will resume in private. But Gabriel gives away nothing. Whatever secrets he was about to share have been pushed down deep enough that I worry I’ve missed my chance. I’m so consumed by my thoughts I nearly miss the news Kate drops on me. It registers she’s looking at me expectantly, waiting for a reply, but what she’s just said is a total mystery.� �śI’m sorry. What?” A patient smile on her pixie-ish face, she repeats, �śI said my mother is coming for the holidays.” A small frown pulls at my features. Having little experience around elderly people, I never feel comfortable in their presence. The Fosters seem pleased and anxious at the same time which leads me to believe there’s more to the story than what Kate’s sharing. �śWhich holiday?” I ask, keeping my voice neutral as best I can. �śThanksgiving or Christmas?” �śBoth, really.” Then in answer to my confusion, she explains, �śThanksgiving through Christmas.” My response is cautious. �śOkay.” �śShe wanted to meet you sooner but I thought you could use some adjustment time.” What Kate’s really referring to by �śadjustment time” is my acceptance of them. My recent decision to unpack my bags and stay. My stomach’s already knotting with anxiety, but I paste on a bright smile for Kate’s sake. �śIt’s fine.” �śGood. I’d really like you two to get to know each other.” Kate’s halo bubbles up around her in intoxicating swirls. �śOkay, sure.” I can’t help but glance over at Gabriel, who meets my eyes with stalwart reassurance. If Kate’s mom turns out to be a dragon in the flesh, it helps to know I’ve got my very own beast-slaying knight�"metaphorically, at least.� �śYou’ll like her, Alex.” This is Steven’s attempt to reassure. �śI mean, I like her, and she’s my mother-in-law.” He rolls his eyes and I can’t help but smile. Make that two knights. �śSo, Gabriel,” Steven drawls out his words, his eyes narrowing into shrewd slits, and for a moment I get a flash of the other Steven, the professional ruler of the corporate world. �śWhat do your parents do?” �śMy mom’s the marketing director of a billion dollar brand and my dad’s a freelance editor. And what do you do, Sir?” �śFinance manager.” Gabriel nods approvingly, �śAnd you, Ma’am?” �śShe’s a translator,” I interject. Although I may not understand what Steven does, I get Kate’s job. �śShe works with international adoptions and also consults with law enforcement when needed.” Gabriel’s eyes sparkle. �śWhat languages do you speak?” Kate glances modestly at her plate, her cheeks turning pink under Gabriel’s attention. �śSpanish mostly. But also French, Italian, Russian and most other Eastern European languages.” �śWow!” Gabriel flashes me an impressed glance, before returning his focus to Kate. �śYou must be truly gifted to speak so many languages.” She shrugs. �śLanguages have always come easily to me. I’m just glad I can use my skills to help unite children with loving families.” �śShe’s learning Chinese.” I can’t help but feel proud and a little awed at her ability. �śShe listens to it in her car and her pronunciation sounds just like the instructor. She’s amazing.” �śI don’t know about that.” Conscious of all of us beaming at her, she begins gathering plates. �śIs everyone ready for dessert?” Over chocolate cheesecake and fresh strawberries, Kate regains her composure. Clearing her throat�"a tell-tale sign she’s heading into uncomfortable territory�"she asks, �śSo, uh, how did you two meet?” Choking with surprise, I stare helplessly at Gabriel. Without hesitation, he answers, �śMy locker is above hers.” Gabriel’s answer is smooth and I think we’re in the clear, until Steven freezes mid-bite. His quick mind recalls something that causes his eyes to bug out slightly from his head and he makes a small, strangled sound. �śYou�"you were responsible for her neck?” I’ve forgotten all about my first day of school and the lies I told to them about the bruising on my throat. Blaming it on a locker incident rather than an attack, it now looks like Gabriel was the perpetrator rather than my rescuer. My heart starts to hammer. My mouth goes dry. All I can do is stare down at the table and wait. �śIt was entirely my fault, Sir.” Gabriel’s sincerity has me jerking up to gape open-mouthed at him as he continues. He’s answering Steven, but focusing on me, his luminous eyes shimmering with remorse. �śI didn’t move fast enough and I’m so sorry. I will never let it happen again. I swear.” I believe him, because he’s my guardian. And because he means what he promises. And mostly, because I trust him with my life. Once Steven has calmed down and we finish Kate’s gourmet meal, it’s time for Gabriel to go. After the appropriate thanks, I walk Gabriel to the door, trying to ignore my cramping stomach as the food I’ve just eaten congeals into knots.� From behind me I hear Kate whisper in a voice meant for us to overhear, �śAlex’s boyfriend is very nice.” Flinching, I follow him out onto the porch. My cheeks burn as I stammer, �śI’m sorry about that. We’re just friends, and I’ll make sure they understand that.” Looking out into the night Gabriel gives no acknowledgement he has heard this, so I wait in awkward silence for him to speak. I’m afraid he won’t pick up where he left off in the living room�"and afraid he will. Suddenly he turns to face me, a storm raging in his eyes. But all he says is �śThe Fosters are nice.” �śYes.” He makes no move to leave, his eyes continuing to flicker with some internal struggle. He looks younger in that moment, more vulnerable, somehow. Reaching for my hand, he takes my fingers in his. Lifting my hand to his mouth, he brushes his satiny lips against my fingertips, a butterfly kiss, and then presses my fingers to my blushing cheek. Quietly, he muses, �śI think you’ve got things backwards.” Completely confused, I stare until he elaborates in a strained voice, �śThe second day I walked you home, you asked how I knew you needed a friend. Maybe I’m the one who needs you.” There’s so much to ask, but without warning he turns away, hurrying down the path to the street. When he gets to the end, he falters and then stops. Turning around, he comes back up the walk in long purposeful strides, his face tucked toward his chest so I can’t read his expression. Afraid of interrupting, I wait in agonized silence as Gabriel stops just short of the porch. Kicking absently at the lowest step with his foot, he watches his shoe as he speaks. �śI think I could protect you better if I was your boyfriend.” When his eyes flash up to my face they’re veiled. �śThink about it and let me know in the morning.” Pivoting like a soldier, he walks away, leaving me to stare at his retreating form, my mouth open, catching flies. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Knock yourself out? I mean it’s not exactly what girls dream about when they imagine getting their first boyfriend. But I don’t want a boyfriend, I remind myself. I want�"need�"answers! Find Derry. Avoid the darkness until I’m no longer a minor. Keep control of my life. Do not fall in love! Shaking my head vigorously, I try to wipe the bitter thoughts from my mind. Alex doesn’t dream about boyfriends and romantic gestures flowing with romantic words. It shouldn’t make any difference to me. But I’m not really Alex, not anymore�"but I’m not Alexia either. At this point, I’m no longer sure who I am. * The next morning, I practically shove my backpack at Gabriel. My assent comes out unintentionally sharp. �śFine.” Gabriel flinches as if stung. �śAre you mad at me?” �śNo.” With a shrug I brush past him, stomping down the walkway at a determined pace. �śYes, you are�"you’re mad.” He catches up with me easily, reaching out and gently pulling at my arm until I’ve got no choice but to stop and let him read my face. Gravely he studies my eyes, trying to mask the hurt I’m causing him�"but I notice it anyway. �śDon’t you want me to be your boyfriend?” he asks. With a small huff, I roll my eyes in exasperation. �śI said it was fine, didn’t I?” Needing to move, I turn back to the sidewalk in front of me. �śIt’s just pretense anyway, right?” He doesn’t answer this, but instead threads his fingers through mine. His hand feels warm and real, and I have the inexplicable urge to cry about it. Instead, I pick up my pace until I’m almost pulling him along, muttering, �śNow we’re going to be late.” We arrive in plenty of time, but I go straight to class anyway. The first part of the morning passes in a blur. Gabriel keeps trying to hold my hand in the halls, but it feels too real, which in turn triggers a hollowness in my chest because it’s only for show. He said himself�"by posing as my boyfriend he can protect me better. Since that’s his purpose�"his entire reason for being on earth�"I can’t say no. And I don’t really want to deny him, even if it’s just for pretend. Because, maybe I want to pretend, too�"make believe our interlaced fingers are real and he truly does want to be with me in that way. After Biology, Naomi ducks her head into the classroom, presumably to corner Gabriel. She’s made a big deal of the fact they share the same fourth period history class and I don’t. The class empties quickly, until just the three of us are left. �śGabriel.” Naomi always utters his name with a certain breathiness behind it. I think she means it to be sexy, but to me it just sounds ridiculous. I busy myself by searching around in my backpack, resenting her stupid intrusion. Usually I find her laughable, but today I want to scratch her eyes out. �śI was hoping we could walk to History together,” she coos, while I bite my lower lip against my violent impulses until the sting of pain placates me. �śSorry.” His eyes meet mine apologetically as he reaches to shoulder my bag and I can’t help notice how Naomi skitters back a few steps in reaction. �śI’ve got to walk my girlfriend to Government.” Her perfectly shaped brows shoot up in disbelief. She looks from Gabriel to me and back again before fixing her hands to her hips. �śYour girlfriend? You’re going out with her?” �śYep.” As if to emphasize his reply, he lets both our bags drop to the floor. The resulting thud reverberates throughout the empty space. He is fearsome, his face severe and determined as he reaches for my hand. Before I can process his actions, he pulls me toward him and I feel his perfect lips press abruptly against mine. Although I know it’s merely a show for Naomi’s benefit, he feels warm�"supple and electric against my mouth. Unable to stifle my surprise, my lips part in a small gasp. In response to my movement, his restraint vanishes with a soft groan. His mouth opens to me and I feel the tiniest flicker of his tongue against my teeth. My eyes close of their own volition as Gabriel’s hands twine behind my back, fisting with lightly exquisite pain into my hair. My heart races in my chest in anticipation of what’s ahead and in reaction to the exploration already begun. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I register Naomi’s clompy retreat. As if from far away, I hear the click of the door as it shuts behind her, cutting Gabriel and me off from the rest of school. Alone, the deserted classroom becomes our oasis as we cling to one another. Tasting faintly of mint he deepens the kiss, turning my knees to jelly. Heat’s radiating off him in waves, like the scorching midday sun off the white sands of a tropical beach. And I melt into his heat, clinging to him and kissing him back with everything in me. Suddenly the room spins and he’s pressed me against the wall, holding me in place with the lower half of his body. My hips are pinned fast, restrained by his sharp angles and burning from contact despite layers of fabric. Our kiss takes on a life all its own, Gabriel’s hands caressing my face, as if learning me by touch. They slide over my cheeks, my jaw, my brow, my neck�Ś My fingers are moving also, feeling the prominent bones and compact muscles that make up the planes of his chest. Frenzied, he takes until I have nothing left, and then replenishes me, filling me with his essence until I think I’ll burst. My hands slip under his t-shirt, my nails clutching his back in a way that will leave territorial marks on his skin. As our mouths continue their exploratory dance, I’m overwhelmed by the sensation my molecules are evaporating into the atmosphere one by one. I’m being undone until there’s no longer any sense of Alex or Alexia�"the only thing that exists is Gabriel’s kiss. I have no idea how much later it is when I come to my senses. Minutes? Eons? But the room’s deserted except for Gabriel panting into the crook of my neck and my own gasping breath thundering in the silence. My hands shake as I cradle his head, holding him against me while we catch our breath. In my breast, longing, aching and poignant for this boy I now hold, overwhelms all else. And I wonder if you can die of happiness�Ś After a moment, Gabriel pushes gently away. My bereft arms reach for him to come back�"to make me whole again�"but he evades my grasp. He takes a few steadying breaths, still trembling as he carefully regards me. His shuttered eyes cause my stomach to turn to acid. �śI’m sorry, Alex.” Not sure what I want to hear, his actual words are a slap in the face, a cold bucket of water dousing the most incendiary moment of my life. The kiss was an act�"just a show that got a little carried away�"and I’ve been duped as badly as Naomi. Gathering tears sting my eyes. I force my voice not to waiver despite the shivers racking my chest. �śNo problem.” With a sense of satisfaction, I note the breeziness of my voice, as if I’m kissed like that every day. �śWe needed to appear convincing, right?” My back’s still against the cool wall, as Gabriel pins my shoulders, forcing me to look at his face. There’s still something a bit wild and out of control in his features. He’s repulsed by what we’ve done. I can see it plainly, etched into the facets of his searching eyes. Fighting down my humiliation, I force my emotions away until I’m numb under his scrutiny. I shrug, rebelling against his hold on me. �śIt’s not a big deal.” �śNo! I’ve never done�"that�"before. Ever! I’ve never even wanted to kiss someone before. But with you�"it’s all I’ve been able to think about�"for weeks.” He rubs his hands across his face, as if it’s a blackboard he can erase, expunging what he’s done. �śIt was so much more powerful than I could’ve imagined.” He shudders at the memory of kissing me, whispering, �śTerrible!” His turbulent eyes are the embodiment of misery as he continues to unburden his soul. �śBut now that I’ve started, I don’t think I can stop kissing you!” Turning on his heels, Gabriel stalks out of the room, leaving me reeling with shock. Kissing me was terrible? My first kiss, so wild and out of control. So disastrous. All I can think is I’m some sort of perverse addiction which sickens him even as it beckons irresistibly. I’m Satan, his serpent, and the apple all rolled into one�"a loathsome creature directly responsible for the destruction of a glorious angel. With a silent admonishment not to shatter until I’m in the privacy of my room at the Fosters’, I head numbly to Government, nearly twenty minutes late. The rest of the day Gabriel keeps a close distance. Our interaction’s polite and perfunctory�"a perfect show. With each exchange, my hollowness eats away at me until nothing remains of my heart but a void. After school, he’s at my side as I contemplate our seven long blocks that now hold all the appeal of a death march. We’re standing still for the moment, not quite looking at each other, when he says tightly, �śEarlier was a mistake. I won’t do that again.” Soundlessly I turn and start walking�"fast�"trying to outrun my tears because I don’t want to be a mistake. And because I want him to want to kiss me again, even if I am. CHAPTER 8 Thanksgiving break comes two days after the kissing incident. But not nearly soon enough. Two days�Śforty-eight hours�Śtwo thousand, eight hundred and eighty minutes. Each minute a torture all its own. In two days, I learn a heart can hurt in more ways than I could ever imagine. There’s the way it hurts when Gabriel acts like nothing’s wrong, his nonchalance a constant wrenching of my insides. The way it cuts because he can barely look at me, his anguished eyes brimming with remorse. The all-encompassing ache governing the uncomfortable silence as we walk my long seven blocks. There’s the stab of Naomi’s smug smile, because she senses our rift and goes out of her way to flirt. The throbbing when I lie to Kate and Steven about the �śboy friend”�"who’s not really neither. And the feeling of trust that shatters every time I remember Gabriel whispering �śterrible.” Mostly there’s the pain of nothingness, the hollow void in my chest when I gaze at my heartbreakingly beautiful angel and his blazing halo that leaves me dazzled with sunstroke. It’s the longest forty-eight hours of my life. Every second is another tiny death, and I can’t help but wonder how soon before I’ll be more dead than alive? I can still run away�"leave Gabriel and his kisses behind. But run toward what? More darkness? And what of the fact I’m supposed to stay�"that I’ve got an important enough destiny that a divine being has been sent�"assigned�"to me as a protector? Are my running days over? Wednesday afternoon I force my heavy legs up the front steps, turning immediately back so Gabriel can’t follow. He stops at the base of the porch and stares at my shoes. There are so many things on the tip of my tongue�"anger, fear, heartache, and the temptation to beg for reassurances. I bite my lip against my weakness, summoning the protective isolation of the old Alex. Gabriel glances at me, the merest of flickers, thick with shame. My eyes begin to sting as he looks down contemplating cracks in the pavement. Swallowing against the emotions lodged in my throat, I mumble, �śSee you after the break.” Turning, I feel his eyes on me as he says, �śOf course.” I don’t dare look back for fear I’ll crumple under the weight of his scrutiny. As I shut the door, I’m overcome by a new sensation. The fire, the burning in my veins, as I contemplate four days without him and how estrangement’s far better than absence. That’s the worst hurt, knowing even though I’m mad at him I’ll miss him like crazy, and it’ll be four days until I can breathe again. Later in my room, I replay the brief conversation, the only confrontation in the aftermath of our terrible kiss, trying to figure out where to go from here�Ś In the hall outside of Government, Gabriel pulls me into the little alcove saying, �śWe should talk about yesterday.” My instinct is to shut my eyes in denial, but I manage a nod of agreement. Willing myself to be detached, I force myself to make eye contact as I reply in a sensible voice that couldn’t be farther from the truth, �śI understand. I’m your assignment.” A humorless chuckle escapes his lips as he stares down at his shoes. �śThat’s such an oversimplification; I’ve got no idea where to start.” For a second he’s lost in thought, and then his face sets in hard lines. He regards me with a rueful expression that mars his perfect features. �śBut basically you’re right, Alex.” I’ve been expecting his denial, maybe even�"dare I even think it?�"a declaration of feelings however imprudent, but not this. Something inside me closes tight as I admonish, �śWell, make sure it doesn’t happen again.” �śOf course.” Taking my bag from his shoulder, I leave Gabriel standing in my wake as I resign myself to having a pretend boyfriend. As the dinner hour approaches, another worry fights for prominence in my already saturated mind. Kate’s mother. I don’t have a lot of experience with mothers, barely remembering my own, and the foster moms I’ve known weren’t what I’d consider motherly, at least not my definition of the word. They were all polite�"shallow smiles and fake interest�"with weak halos. At least the ones that weren’t outright dark. Kate’s the one exception, truly good. But she’s more like a friend than a foster mom. Is she my friend? Kate’s in the kitchen preparing dinner while she waits for Steven and her mother to arrive from the airport. Standing in the doorway, I watch her root around in the fridge for vegetables to make a salad. Her champagne halo bubbles brightly around her, and she smiles to herself, humming. For a second I think about the child she lost, how she’d be an excellent mom, even for a difficult teenager. She catches my eyes, her large brown ones conveying contentment, joy, with just a touch of nervous apprehension. Gesturing toward the salad bowl, she gently says, �śI could use a hand.” Kate cuts vegetables while I tear lettuce, working alongside her in silence. Every car passing on the street causes us to look up expectantly. After the third time, Kate chuckles self-consciously. By way of apology, she shrugs. �śI’m nervous.” I wonder at that. My concept of mothers is someone homey, a safe haven with infinite hugs smelling of freshly baked cookies. �śHow long has it been since you saw your mom, Kate?” �śLast Christmas,” she smiles at me but it’s one of her wet smiles. There’s much going on behind her chocolate eyes I don’t understand. �śShe’s very eager to meet you.” The idea of this old lady upsetting the precarious balance of my new life causes my stomach to cramp. Without thinking, I blurt out, �śIs she very old?” For a second, Kate’s eyes widen in shock. With a blink she recovers, and trying to suppress a smile, she regards the cucumber she’s chopping. �śActually, she’s very spry for a woman of seventy. Do you know what spry means?” The way she asks isn’t condescending, so I nod. �śShe acts younger than her age.” �śThat is an excellent way to explain it. My mother acts younger than her age.” �śWhat’s she like?” �śJudith is beautiful, compassionate, stubborn, opinionated and tough as nails.” Kate stares at the darkened window lost in her thoughts. �śShe pushed me harder than anyone and loved me unconditionally the entire time. I would not be half the person I am today if it wasn’t for her.” I try to reconcile Kate’s description of opposites, two sides of the same coin. �śShe sounds incredible.” And intimidating. �śDid I ever tell you she was born in Slovenia but grew up in Wales?” I shake my head, encouraging her to continue. �śHer parents sent her and her cousins to England before her town of Izola was handed over to Germany in 1943. She was just a baby. �śTo keep their children safe from Mussolini’s alliance with the Nazis, the town of Izola arranged to send them to their sister parish in London. But when Britain entered the war and the Germans started bombing, the children of Izola were relocated to Brynmawr, Wales. And that is where my mother grew up.” �śWhen did she immigrate to America?” �śShe was just seventeen�"barely a woman�"but already a bride. Her husband was also a refugee from Izola, who dreamed of starting a new life in America. So they sold everything to book a one-way passage on the Queen Mary for their honeymoon.” Only two years older than me, married, sailing to a strange new country with little more than the clothes on her back and the man she loved at her side�Ś How brave and trusting she must’ve been to follow her heart like that. What would she think of someone like me�"someone whose first inclination is to run away from her fears? �śWow. What an amazing story.” Kate’s eyebrows lift in agreement. She makes a small noise that is part grunt, part chuckle but all sympathy. �śThere’s so much more. Her husband, Milan, died of influenza on the passage over. She couldn’t afford to go back to Wales, and without Milan, she had no prospects for income over here.” Like an epic story, I’m totally sucked in and I wish I�Śd seen pictures of Judith Kransky so I could better picture the young widow-heroine. Breathless for Kate to continue, I gasp, �śWhat happened?” �śFortunately, an American couple�"old money, good breeding, no kids of their own�"heard about the poor widowed newlywed. Apparently, it was all the talk in first-class dining. And while several prominent families offered her employment as a nanny or a maid, this couple offered her the chance at an education, to make something of herself. They were Potter and Amelia Palmer, my grandparents.” �śNot biological grandparents, though.” I’m so caught up in the story, I interject without thinking then worry I’ve said something hurtful. �śI’m sorry.” All grace, Kate gives her head a soft shake. Her eyes are full of happy memories. �śDon’t be, it’s true. And despite everything, they loved me.” She drifts to the stove to stir a shiny metal pot. As she opens the lid, the heady scent of garlic and sausage fills the kitchen. Kate’s special gumbo. �śI only got a few years with my grandparents, but in them we made a lifetime of memories.” �śHow old were you when they passed away?” At first I think she doesn’t hear me. Continuing to stir for a moment, she brings the wooden spoon to her lips, sampling. Then she dips in a second spoon and offers me a taste. �śDoes it need more onion?” Her gumbo’s delicious, hot and spicy, perfect as it is and I tell her so. I consider asking again about the death of her grandparents, but I’m uncertain as to whether she didn’t hear the first time or if she’s choosing not to answer. Not wanting to push I pretend to examine the magnets on the refrigerator. Kate crosses to the sink and begins to load the dishwasher while I stare blankly ahead, wondering what to do next. When she finally answers, I’ve nearly forgotten my question hanging awkwardly between us. �śMy mother went to college, then grad school to become a therapist. She specialized in trauma recovery and she is very gifted in her field. She’s worked with local and state police, the FBI, the CIA and even advised the United Nations. When she was with the CIA she met an agent by the name of Jimmie Kransky, my father. Since his job required him to travel a lot, my mom went with him, freelancing and volunteering all over the world. She worked with survivors of natural disasters�"earthquakes, tsunamis, and such�"in Asia, political refugees in Africa, victims of brutality and rape in the Middle East and the runaways of Eastern Europe. �śThat’s how she found me.” The stark truthfulness in her tone causes me to freeze. Until this moment, I had no clue that Kate’s mom wasn’t biological. �śAfter World War II, Eastern Europe was broke�"people had no money and even less hope. Parents who could no longer care for their children or didn’t want them, left them to the institutions. Sterile, hospital-like facilities that were always overcrowded and understaffed, housing thousands of discarded children with gaunt faces and huge, haunted eyes. Children too apathetic to play or laugh, or even cry. Too lost to feel sad for themselves or others�Śtoo lost to feel anything at all.” Kate pauses, brushing at her cheeks in terse swipes. She’s crying, but she doesn’t look at me. So I wait, helpless and shocked by her disclosure. �śI don’t know a thing about my real parents, whether they are alive or dead, or if they loved me. All I remember about childhood is the institution in Izola and then escaping into Italy. Living on the streets of Trieste. When Judith found me, I was sleeping in alleyways and stealing food to stay alive. I was eleven. �śJust eleven years old and filled with hate, especially for her, the meddling American tourist who kept hounding me. She followed me all over the city. For weeks, no matter where I went, she tracked me down. She was so stubborn. All she wanted was to give me things�"clothes, food, money�"and I didn’t wanted any of it. I ran away from her�"I cussed her out�"I even threatened her, but it didn’t seem to faze the pig-headed American woman. ” Turning Kate looks at me, tears rolling unnoticed down her face. �śOne day she didn’t come. I braced myself and waited, but she never showed. So I went looking for her. She had given me her address, so I went to the house and knocked on the door, no idea what I would say when she opened the door�"I just wanted her to answer. I thought she’d given up on me, after all her lectures and chasing, I thought she’d written me off�"and I was so angry. Angry at her for abandoning me. That’s when I knew.” My own emotions spill over as she stares at me. �śKnew what?” �śThat I loved her.” Something happens in that moment. Something my conscious mind resists with all its might. Clamping my eyes shut, I whisper, �śWhere was she?” �śIn Izola. Her private investigator had located the institution where I’d come from and arranged a private adoption. While I was searching for her, she was in Izola signing the final paperwork. She and Jimmie came back to find me curled on their doorstep, raging with grief, like something wild. When I wouldn’t go inside, Judith didn’t say a word, just spent the night on the stoop with me. The next morning she told me she loved me. And miraculously I was able to say it back. �śA week later, Jimmie and Judith took me home to Sarasota to meet the Palmers. I had three wonderful years with them before my grandpop passed away. My grandmom followed him six weeks later. They never intended to outlive one another. They were in love until the end, and they loved us. That was everything.” If the thought of Kate’s mother had been intimidating before, Judith Kransky was now a Titan. Silently I move around the table, placing plates and cutlery in front of each place with precision. Reflecting on everything I have learned, I feel Kate’s perceptive eyes watching me. When the front door opens and Steven’s deep voice precedes him carried on a blast of frigid air, I’m torn between relief and terror. �śWe’re here.” Wiping her hands on her apron, Kate goes toward the voice in the entryway but I stay rooted in the dining room. I listen to them, hearing the gladness in their greeting punctuated by what I can only assume is hugging. Fervently, I pray Mrs. Kransky isn’t a hugger; or if she is, that she’s not into hugging people she only just met. Mostly, I hope she won’t expect me to hug back. As the Fosters and the Titan near the dining room, I edge into the farthest corner. I can’t help myself. Rearranging my features into an unconvincing smile, I grip the back of the nearest chair so hard my white knuckles go numb. Steven enters first, and I notice the apprehension in his eyes just below the surface of what’s meant to be reassurance. He steps aside to let the women enter, arm and arm, both shining eyes and wide smiles. I regard Kate’s unrestrained joy, then unable to avoid the encounter any longer, slide my eyes over to Judith Kransky. She doesn’t look like any grandmother I’ve ever seen, maybe because I’m in shock and a little awed over this woman now that I know her story. I expect a woman of steel, but before me is someone soft, vibrating with empathy. Although in her late seventies, she has an air of glamour about her like a gracefully aging film star. I’d been anticipating an ancient woman, shriveled and hunched with gray hair pulled severely from her face in a tight bun�"a woman whose best day were long past�"not the person who now stands in front of me. I take in her silver-blonde hair cut in a modern style, her youthful violet-blue eyes sparkling with joy, and her tasteful suit of muted pink. But her most impressive feature is her champagne halo bubbling merrily around her, a mirror image of her non-biological daughter. She stops just inside the room, shrewdly taking in everything about me from my pained smile to my tight posture and death grip on the furniture. If she’s put off by my lack of enthusiasm, she doesn’t show it. Instead, she smiles broadly at me and gives me my space. �śAh, you must be Alex.” Managing a nod that feels as though my neck’s breaking in two, I reply, �śYes, Ma’am.” �śYou can call me Nana.” Then, as if sensing what she’s asking is too much from me, she adds, �śOr Nana Kransky, or Judith, or whatever you are comfortable with, child.” �śYes, Ma’am.” Nana Kransky fits somehow, but I can’t bring myself to say it. With a satisfied nod, she turns to Kate, declaring, �śI would like to freshen up, please. And I am starved. Is that your gumbo I smell?” The women leave the room debating the merits of okra in gumbo. After they go, Steven takes a step toward me. �śSee,” he says genially, �śthat wasn’t too bad.” I nod, grateful she has given me breathing room. �śShe seems nice.” Oven dinner Nana Kransky mostly catches up with Kate and Steven, glancing every so often in my direction and winking. By the end of the meal, she doesn’t seem quite as foreign or as intimidating as I’d feared. After dessert and coffee, she shoos Kate and Steven from the room, declaring, �śAlex and I will clean up.” When Kate begins to protest she interjects, �śYou cooked Katie. The cook is exempt from cleanup�"no exceptions. Now go.” Once Kate and Steven make their reluctant exit and we’ve cleared the table, Nana Kransky turns to me, her eyes glinting mischievously. �śHow about I wash and you dry?” When I point out Kate and Steven’s dishwasher, she answers, �śBah, some things are better accomplished the old fashioned way.” I get the distinct impression she’s referring to more than the dishes, but it would be impolite to argue. So I take the offered towel and resign myself to drying. After a moment, she hands me a bowl, asking, �śSo Alex, what are you making for Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow?” Grateful I’ve got a job to focus on, I answer, �śI think Kate’s got it all taken care of. She’s already shopped and everything.” The older woman nods, silent in thought for a few moments while she washes silverware. Giving a sly glance my way, she clears her throat before proclaiming, �śTo me, Thanksgiving is about being with loved ones and celebrating all we are blessed with. My family has a tradition. Everyone contributes at least one dish, their favorite.” I open my mouth to protest, but she continues before I can interrupt. �śKate will make the turkey. Steven does the mashed potatoes. And I will make my famous sweet yam casserole.” She pauses, turning to assess me with her clear, eagle eyes. �śWhat would you like to make, child?” With no experience, I don’t have confidence in my ability to cook anything. When I tell Nana Kransky this she scowls. �śWhat is your favorite Thanksgiving dish?” I think about this for a moment before deciding on an answer that’s both true and careful. �śProbably the cranberry sauce�"but it comes in a can.” Nana Kransky’s laughter is loud as it fills the kitchen. �śOh child, what do you think people did before canned cranberries? Tomorrow, you will make the cranberry sauce.” I do my best not to panic over a stupid little thing like making cranberry sauce, but my deep breathing gives me away. Nana Kransky stops washing to place a soothing hand on my shoulder. �śRelax, child. Thanksgiving is about family, our blessings�"the food is merely a way to celebrate. And you don’t have to make the sauce in a vacuum. If you need help, all you need to do is ask.” Her shrewd eyes narrow expectantly, and suddenly I realize I’ve been outmatched. What she’s talking about has little to do with cooking and everything to do with life�"my life. She’s asking me to trust her, offering her help in return. She’s telling me I don’t need to be alone. That I’ve got a choice. As she smiles at me, her astute eyes dancing with acceptance, I consider what she wants and admit to myself it’s no burden to submit. Inexplicably it endears the older woman to me. �śOk, Ma’am.” I sigh, looking her squarely in the face. �śI’ll make the cranberry sauce, if you’ll help me, please.” Satisfied, she beams at me, her halo bubbling up around her. �śSee Alex, asking for help is not as hard as you think.” Despite the fact she’s nearly a stranger, and the fact I’m�"gulp�"cooking, I have to agree with her. As we face each other, understanding passing between us, a weight lifts from me taking a chunk of the old Alex with it. Surprisingly I feel light, almost giddy by the thought that although I’m becoming someone else�"a new version of myself�"I’m not alone. * It turns out cooking’s not too difficult when you have help. Despite my inexperience, I actually enjoy toiling in the kitchen alongside Kate and her mother. There’s also satisfaction in eating a delicious meal I’ve helped prepare with my own hands. And of course being with people who care about me, that I’m learning to care about in return, is a blessing all its own. Yet even as I gain new insights into the art of Thanksgiving, my heart aches for Gabriel and Derry, the two people closest to my soul. I spend the rest of the holiday break thinking about them, devising plans to bring about reconciliation in both the emotional and literal senses. Monday morning I wake before the sun, restless and expectant. Watching the sunrise with unseeing eyes, I think about the person I’m becoming, a person who asks for help and chooses to trusts in those around her. I’ve no clue what I’ll say to Gabriel when I see him. I only know there must be forgiveness, for each other and ourselves, so we can move forward. And I want to move on. My inexperienced heart’s strangling with this thing between us, the terrible kiss, and I want the weight of it lifted.� After Kate and Steven leave, I slip out of the house early, intending to intercept Gabriel at the corner. But he’s already waiting on the porch. As I quietly open the door, careful not to wake Nana Kransky, he jumps to his feet. �śWhat’re you doing here?” Surprise causes my voice to squeak. �śWaiting for you.” There’s no smile in his eyes, just uncertainty as I lead him away from the porch, hastily explaining about Kate’s sleeping mother. When we’re out of earshot around the corner, I stop walking. Turning to Gabriel, I gaze at him like we’ve been apart for a hundred years instead of merely four days. His sandy-blonde hair hangs at an angle across his forehead, in danger of falling across his face, and I clench my fist against the urge to brush it back. An unconscious sigh escapes from my lips as I stare into the turbulence of his eyes. In his transparent gaze, I read apology, desire, anguish, patience, and longing. He melts me as I whisper around the lump forming in my throat, �śI don’t want to be angry at you anymore.” So softly he answers, �śThen don’t be.” All my preparations to affect detachment, to remain aloof despite his rejection, collapse. Closing my eyes against the wave of emotion threatening to spill down my cheeks, I hear him apologize, �śI’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I never want to hurt you�"it’s just that kiss�"it had nothing to do with you�"my reaction, I mean. I have a purpose for being here�"with you. Neither one of us can afford to lose sight of my mission. Not even for a second.” I feel his hand, large and warm against my chin, as he lifts my face. Blinking my eyes open, I’m confronted with Gabriel’s intense frown. �śThere’ve got to be boundaries between us, physical ones. Can you accept that?” �śYes.” Because despite my confusion and my intentions to protect my heart, I’m in love with him. Afraid to say more without pouring out my feelings, I nod and tell myself it’s enough. Because boundaries are better than absence. His thumb brushes lightly against my jaw before he reluctantly lets me go. Turning back toward the street, his eyes focus straight ahead as he cautiously asks, �śDo you still want me to be your boyfriend?” I fight against the sob trying to wrench itself from my throat. Exhaling forcefully, I focus on relaxing my muscles enough to whisper. �śYes.” �śGood.” Gabriel threads his fingers through mine and we resume walking. As we move, I glance down at our intertwined hands. I tell myself it’s better than nothing. It has to be enough. The morning passes uneventfully, but when it’s time to part for Government, I’m reluctant to let him go. Now that I know he’s my Guardian, it bothers me he has History with Naomi instead of Government with me. Stopping in an alcove just short of the classroom door, I grip his entangled hand, pulling him close. Gabriel quirks a brow, first at our joined hands then at what he sees on my face. �śWhy don’t you have this class?” �śI can’t be with you all the time.” Unable to help myself, I roll my eyes at his answer. �śSure you can. That’s your job.” �śIt’s not like I don’t have other things to�" ” I give my head a small shake causing him to admit sheepishly, �śYou’re right. You are the only thing that matters. But you must learn to stand on your own.” Reaching out, he captures a strand of my hair and twirls it absently around his fingers. �śI’m not going to be with you forever�Ś and part of my job is to make sure you’ll be strong enough to continue on your own when I’m no longer needed.” His honest words are spoken lightly, as if his tone will keep them from tearing my heart. �śBut, of course, you can’t offer any other details, can you? Like why you’re here or what it all means�"anything that could actually help me become stronger.” �śPlease Alex, don’t do this now.” I’m literally in the dark. Perpetually weak and scared�"not only of the dark ones but also of losing Gabriel. �śCan you, at least, tell me how long we have?” �śTruthfully, Alex, I don’t know.” And something terrible is going to happen to me�"to us. I nod unable to find my voice. Unfortunately, Mrs. Davis interrupts us, calling me inside as the bell rings. Before letting me go Gabriel’s hand gives mine a quick squeeze. �śSee you after class.” In a stupor, I follow Mrs. Davis into Government and take my seat in the center of the second row. As she calls roll I think about why Gabriel has come into my life and the job he must do. Not only is he my protector, he’s been sent to save me from something so massive it requires the intervention of an angel�"a Greater Seraph. Despite my layers of clothing, a chill works its way up my spine, not just because I’m dwelling on some dark, unforeseen future event but because after whatever that is occurs, Gabriel will leave. And I’ll be alone. Again. Find Derry. Avoid the darkness until I am no longer a minor. Keep control of my life. And if I’m stupid enough to fall in love�"never admit to it. Behind me, I hear the classroom door open and close, but I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself to pay much attention. There’s a small commotion in the back of the room. Some snickering and whispering as whoever’s entered shuffles their way toward the front of the class. I don’t care to eavesdrop, but suddenly, I can’t help it. Needing a distraction from my own bleak train of thought, I listen, figuring out the newcomer’s a stranger to the school. Whoa, where’d he come from? Is he wearing Salvation Army clothes? Did Midlands start a charitable exchange program I haven’t heard about? Maybe he’s some kind of idiot savant? Should we escort him to the Special Ed classroom? And I feel sorry for the guy, in a vague sort of way. I know what it’s like to be new and alone, the helpless focus of adolescent derision. Kids are cruel. With disgust, I realize I’m anticipating the newcomer passing so I can make my own assessment. Purposefully I turn my head away from the aisle, refusing to stoop to their level. Still waiting for the boy in question to pass, I close my eyes and feign disinterest. The quiet shuffling stops and I hear a collective gasp. He doesn’t pass me but rather stops in the proximity of my desk. Slowly I turn, willing the unfortunate new student to continue forward. But he’s standing in the aisle, as if waiting for some type of response from me. The other students are right, of course. His sneakers are shabby, clothes faded and ill-fitting, obviously second-hand. He’s gangly and tall, with close-cropped, military style hair�Śand one of the brightest, purest saffron halos I’ve ever seen. My jaw drops open in total surprise as the boy beams at me, quite oblivious to the comments swirling around him. Clipped to his too small jacket is a pink MP3 player. CHAPTER 9 �śHey, Lexi.” Derry smiles from ear to ear, clearly pleased with himself. �śHappy to see me?” In truth I am. Relief floods my chest as I choke down a lump the size of a walnut. Our surroundings fade into the background as I spring from my seat and throw myself at him. I wrap my arms around Derry’s scrawny chest in a bear hug. �śI’ve been so worried! What happened to you?” He pulls back regarding me in his simple, tranquil way. �śYou did, Lexi. I missed you.” He’s grinning at me like he’s just pulled off the best surprise in human history. His eyes twinkle with sly satisfaction. As I stare into them, deepest slate with starbursts of amber and walnut colored flecks, joy overwhelms me. My eyes begin to sting with unshed tears and I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open, but I can’t seem to make it close. �śAre you surprised, Lexi?” Still choking down my reaction, I nod vigorously. How? Why? �śMr. Derrick Williams, I presume? Why don’t you take a seat up front, please?” Mrs. Davis intervenes before I can verbalize any of the dozen or so questions swirling in my addled brain. Reluctantly, Derry shuffles forward. As he slides into his seat, he casts a mournful look over his shoulder. I understand because I also feel upset our reunion has been interrupted. Thankfully, lunch is next, because I can’t think of anything but Derry. I spend the rest of Government basking in his shimmering saffron halo and remembering why he’s my best friend in the world. When Derry and I met at the age of twelve, he was a clueless, gangly boy who was more interested in sci-fi and comic books than his immediate surroundings. His shaggy hair looked as though he’d cut it himself and his clothes never matched. He also possessed the purest heart I had ever known�"good through and through. He was always insisting we play Star Wars, making me be Princess Leia, so he could be Luke Skywalker and rescue me from evil. I thought it was sweet because, out of the two of us, if anyone needed rescuing it was him. We managed to stay together for two and a half years at The Children’s Center, more than I’d stayed anywhere else. I couldn’t abandon him. And then I’d no choice but to go and I couldn’t take him with me. That killed me�"leaving him alone and unprotected�"even if it was safer. But he took it in stride, as if I were just going away for the weekend. After I left, I called him every night�"sleeping better after hearing his voice. Then about a month before school started, some kid I didn’t know answered and said Derry wasn’t there �śno more.” She didn’t know anything else so I didn’t press her. Where’ve you been these last four months? As I stare at his familiar form with his pure, shining halo an integral part of me that has been missing knits back into my soul. And I understand Derry’s a huge part of the person I’m becoming, the girl who trusts and loves. And stays. After class, Derry and I meet in the aisle, mutely taking stock of one another. He’s nearly a foot taller than the last time I saw him, and I’ve got to tip my head up to gaze into his face. Although he’s smiling, I see a flicker of confusion in his gray-brown eyes. �śYou look different, Lexi.” His assessment disturbs me. I drop my head to frown at my fuzzy boots realizing how much I’ve changed from the wild-haired girl with the army jacket and the don’t F�" with me attitude. �śYour hair’s pretty.” The gentle tug of his hand on my hair causes me to look up again, first at his kind eyes, then at his achingly familiar face with its slightly too big nose, and finally at his stubbly, lumpy head. �śYours is gone,” I say, brushing my hand along the side of his bristly temple. Derry leans into my fingers before answering with a small shrug. �śMy new foster parents. They insist all their foster boys shave their heads�"easier that way. But I don’t mind so much. All their foster girls have real short hair, too.” �śHow many foster kids do you live with?” �śEight, I think. I’m only just getting settled.” He thinks for a split second wiggling his fingers. �śThere are two other boys, five girls, and me�"I’m the oldest foster. Then the Eccles have two kids of their own.” �śWow, that’s a lot of kids.” Derry just smiles serenely. �śI don’t mind so much. Especially if I get to see you all the time.” We exit through the classroom door and Gabriel’s waiting on the other side to escort me to lunch. Derry’s hand wraps around my upper arm and he pulls me closer to him as he notices Gabriel patiently watching us. �śWho’s this, Lexi?” Derry stops, narrowing his eyes and making no move to release me. For a second, I’m completely overwhelmed. How do I explain to my best friend I’ve got someone new in my life, someone as important as he is, but that I have room for both? This isn’t the Alex that Derry knows, and I worry he won’t understand.� Sighing, I decide to get introductions over as quickly as possible. �śThis is Gabriel, my�"uh�"boyfriend.” Derry’s brow pinches at the last word causing me to add self-consciously, �śDerrick�"Gabriel, Gabriel�"Derrick.” Gabriel offers his hand with a genuine smile. �śHello Derrick, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Derry stares at Gabriel’s hand as if it’s an alien man-eating bug. �śI can’t say the same about you.” Gracefully, Gabriel lets his hand drop to his side. �śDon’t worry. I’m one of the good guys.” Icily, Derry replies, �śIf you’re with Lexi, I’m sure you are.” Then he turns away, pulling me with him and mumbling under his breath. I can’t be sure, but it sounds like he says, �śThat doesn’t mean I’ve got to like you.” At lunch, I have the great pleasure of introducing Derry to Becke and Jonah. Derry politely shakes both their hands then circles around the table toward me. Gabriel’s sitting on my left, and instead of taking the seat to my right, Derry wedges himself between us. With an overly genial smile he asks, �śYou don’t mind, do you Gabe? Lexi and I haven’t seen each other in forever.” � �śCertainly, Derrick.” Gabriel makes room. As he slides over, I catch the amusement dancing in his eyes. Wrapping his arm around me in an excessively possessive gesture that makes Becke and Jonah smirk, Derry says, �śSo, tell me about your fosters.” �śOh, no,” I counter. �śYou just dropped off the face of the earth for the past four months. You first.” He’s so proud of himself he practically twitches with laughter. �śYou see�"” His expression turns sheepish as he faces me. �śI’ve been moving around a lot.” And because I know him so well�"I can tell I’m not going to like his explanation. �śWhy?” Squeezing me, he laughs. �śWhy do you think?” But I know what it takes to move around in the system, the lies and manipulation, sometimes finding yourself in terrible situations with negligent custodians or dangerous kids, and always looking over your shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. The significance of his actions passes between us without words and he hangs his head.� Giving me his best puppy dog expression, he asks, �śAre you really gonna be mad at me for wanting to be with you?” When I continue to glare at him, he appeals to Becke and Jonah. �śLexi’s my best friend in the world, and I missed her so much. Do you guys think she should be mad at me after all the trouble I took to get here?” Despite not knowing the awful details, my friends are already won over by Derry’s carefree spirit. Shaking their heads, they align with him. �śNo.” �śDefinitely not.” Traitors. �śHow about you, Gabe? Do you think your girlfriend should be mad at me?” Gabriel raises his hands in a sign of neutrality. �śI think Alex can’t help what she feels, especially regarding the people she cares about.” �śWho asked you anyway?” Dismissively he turns back to me, pleading, �śI know you missed me, too, Lexi. Please don’t be mad at me. Pleeeeeeease?” �śWhat you did was dangerous.” �śI know.” �śAnd in all that time you didn’t even call me. I was worried sick!” �śI just wanted to surprise you. Besides you would’ve tried to talk sense into me. And I didn’t want to be sensible, I wanted you.” As I continue to glare, he becomes so contrite I can feel myself caving. He bats his eyelashes knowing he’s won our little skirmish. In a quiet voice meant just for me, he asks, �śSo do you forgive me?” �śIf you promise never ever to do something like that again.” He weighs my conditions before seeking clarification. �śWhat? The moving around or not contacting you?” �śBoth!” � �śFine. I promise never to do something so stupid ever again. And you’re right, I should’ve called. I’m sorry if you were worried. But I got here as fast as I could.” He bites at his lip before admitting, �śActually, I was kind of worried you’d moved on already.” I want to tell him Alex would’ve moved on, but I’m not her, not anymore. Would Derry get that? How I’m changing�"growing into a new person? Just over Derry’s shoulder, I meet Gabriel’s warm, knowing eyes. He smiles at me encouragingly as I say, �śI’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here for a long time.” � �śOh�Ś Well that’s good�"surprising, but good.” Derry’s gaze flickers briefly to Gabriel before settling again on me. �śNow it’s your turn. What’re your fosters like?” Although Gabriel and my friends know Derry and I are foster kids, it still feels strange talking about this in front of them. �śThey’re�"nice, actually. They don’t have any kids of their own, so it’s just me.” �śAnd they’re taking good care of you?” Nodding I pull my lunch from my school bag. As I unpack my turkey sandwich on wholegrain and baggie of grapes, I add, �śThey’re really great.” With great significance he asks, �śWhat’re their names?” When we were twelve we came up with this theory about foster parents and their names. The nicer the couple’s names the nicer they’d be as custodians. For example Dean and Michelle Young would be better fosters than Lou and Wanda Freimeier or Harold and Betty Stickle. This concept came from crack analysis of all the foster parents we’d known�"both personally and from other kids’ tales�"and for the most part has held disturbingly true. �śKate and Steven Foster.” �śNo�"what are their names, really?” Unfazed, I repeat myself. �śFoster. Really.” �śWait�"your fosters are the Fosters?” When I nod, he nearly explodes with laughter that shakes his entire body . �śThat’s funny, Lexi.” Smiling at his reaction, I can’t help but agree, �śI guess it is, kinda. What about yours?” � �śEarl and Tina Eccles.” He shrugs but I catch the hint of a grimace around his mouth.. �śThey’re okay.”� They sound dreadful, but I keep that to myself. Derry reaches into his backpack and takes out a single squished peanut butter sandwich in cellophane. I wait for more, but he closes his pack and drops it behind him on the floor. When we were together at the center, Derry’s appetite was famous. He ate anything and was grateful to have it. There’s a story behind it but it’s not mine to tell, so I’m careful not to reveal anything in my tone as I ask, �śIs that all you brought?” He just looks at me; his eyes, slate gray with amber and walnut flecks,� radiate tranquility. �śI’m not eating as much these days.” Opening the plastic, he breaks off a small piece and slowly pops it into his mouth savoring it. He’s skinny, and his new height makes him appear even more so. Although he’s taller than Gabriel by a few inches, Derry probably weighs twenty to thirty pounds less. Suddenly, I’m worried his gaunt appearance is due to more than a growth spurt. �śYou’re so skinny. Are you�"all right?” �śI’m perfect�Ś now.” When his answer does nothing to smooth the concern puckering my forehead, he nudges me playfully with his shoulder before becoming somber. �śI’m fine, Lexi. I would tell you if I wasn’t�"pinky promise.” I’ve got a vague feeling he’s keeping something from me, but decide to take him at his word. He gives me a satisfied smile when I lift my pinky to meet his, as I have hundreds of times before. �śStill, I like that you worry about me.” Then swiveling his head around, he adds, �śDid you hear that, Gabe? She worries about me.” Gabriel meets my eyes as he hands me my share of his Oreos. The wellspring of his understanding is awe-inspiring. �śShe cares about you Derrick. It’s right she should care. I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Doing a double take, Derry’s eyes narrow shrewdly. �śYou’re kind of a suck-up, aren’t you Gabe?” He helps himself to one of the cookies in my hand, twisting it apart and cutting off Gabriel’s protest by saying, �śHey, don’t be offended, some people like suck-ups. How about you, Lexi? You like suck-ups?” Rolling my eyes, I give Derry a light shove. �śI like Gabriel. So play nice, or else.” �śFine!” Then to Becke and Jonah he states, �śShe used to be able to take a joke.” �śI can still take a joke. I’m just waiting for someone to say something funny.” Jonah bursts out in laughter at this. �śShe’s got you there, dude.” The shrill clang of the lunch bell makes us devour the remains of our food like those drooling dogs in that psychological study by Pavlov Somebody. As Gabriel clears the table Derry regards his schedule. �śI’ve got English next. What-all do you guys have?” When we mumble English, he says, �śCool.” But our lack of enthusiasm causes him to bite his lower lip. �śWhat’s wrong with English�"other than it’s English?” �śNothing,” Becke replies. �śThey just don’t like Mr. Abernathy.” �śYou mean, Mr. Creepy,” Jonah interjects with a frown. �śThe teacher?” Derry unconsciously runs his right hand over his left forearm inquiring, �śHow bad could he be?” The way he touches his left arm is a dead giveaway he’s picking up on our anxiety. And I’m the only one who realizes, who’s seen all the shiny, round scars from where his mom’s boyfriend used his arm to put out cigarettes. Derry was still in diapers then, but those were the good days, back before his mom abandoned him to the boyfriend’s care. Before the boyfriend put his young, malnourished charge in the hospital with injuries so severe they needed to put the kindergartener in a drug induced coma for nearly four months of his life. All this flashes through my mind as Becke elaborates with a shake of her head. �śHe’s not a bad teacher. He’s won all kinds of awards, and in his spare time he coaches Special Olympics. I mean, everyone likes him.” Darkly Jonah mumbles, �śEspecially the girls.” With a small huff, Becke chides playfully, �śI think you boys are just jealous.” Behind his girlfriend’s back, Jonah shoots Gabriel and me a look of significance. Clearly he knows Mr. Creepy’s so much more evil than that�"and he knows that we know. Looping his arm around Becke’s shoulders, Jonah says tightly, �śJust sit by us, Derrick, and you’ll be fine.” I wonder exactly what Jonah knows, what he sees. Although now’s not the time, I file the questions away for later. Mr. Creepy’s watching as we walk into his class. He notices Derry’s arm linked in mine and something in his dark, cold halo stirs, slithering across his torso like a slimy tentacle. I feel Gabriel’s hand against my back as Mr. Creepy’s eyes turn into small slits, his lips thinning into a disapproving, gray slash. Halfway across the room, Derry lets me go to present our teacher with his transfer slip. As he turns to rejoin our little group, Mr. Creepy raises his head with a smirk. �śWait, please, Mr.�"uh�"Williams.”� Obediently, Derry turns back around, but I don’t miss how his right arm curls over his left. His eyes flash on mine, a shared look of trepidation passing briefly between us. �śSit here, please. Mr. Williams.” He indicates the far left seat of the front row, which is empty except for� a swooning Kendra Douglas. �śBut I was gonna sit with my friends�"” Mr. Creepy’s attempt at a fatherly fa�żade falls terribly short. �śMy class, my rules, Mr. Williams. Based on your previous English grades, I have concerns you could get too distracted sitting in the back of the room.” He walks nonchalantly around his desk. �śI find underachievers like you do better when sitting in the first row.” �śBut�"” As Mr. Creepy sits pretending to review lesson plans, his halo begins to squirm around him in a frenzied motion. �śOf course, your friends are more than welcome to come up and join you. Becke? Alexia?” He holds my eyes and I see the victory he believes he’s won. My stomach lurches, but I’m nowhere close to incapacitated like in those first few days. I wonder if my subdued reaction is a direct result of Gabriel’s angelic presence or more due to the lack of fear having a protector brings. As I meet Derry’s hopeful eyes, Gabriel’s grip on my arm tightens. I glance from my best friend to my boyfriend. Gabriel’s impassive face is severe as he gives me a nearly imperceptible shake of his head. No. Mouthing �śI’m sorry,” I slowly pull away and walk toward the front of the class. When Gabriel tries to follow, Mr. Creepy intervenes without looking up. �śMr. Kustosz, you may remain in your regular seat.” Gabriel doesn’t back away. He just glares at Mr. Creepy, a determined set to his jaw. His halo’s so glorious I resist the urge to shield my eyes. Standing directly between Gabriel and Mr. Creepy, light and darkness, I feel the clash of power unleashed by their confrontation. And I feel like a helpless pawn, a casualty of their invisible battle. Frozen. Until Derry, tugging gently at my arm, frees me from my momentary paralysis, and we slip silently into our new seats. Still feigning disinterest, Mr. Creepy drawls in a bored tone, �śNow Mr. Kustosz. Or do I need to kick you out of my class?” Seeming to consider this newest option, Gabriel’s eyes dart to me before reacting. Rigidly taking his third row seat near Jonah and Becke, he continues to stare in defiance. I try to catch his gaze, to mutely apologize, but he stays stubbornly fixated on our teacher. Mr. Creepy, however, continues to ignore him. Instead, he turns his feverish scrutiny toward me. About two-thirds of the way through his lesson he begins to pace, circling around the first row. When he gets to me, he stops, but his ink-like halo continues to writhe. He spends the rest of the period hovering over me. Lingering. When the bell rings, Jonah slips out with Becke while both Derry and Gabriel come for me at once. Working in tandem, they usher me into the hallway. I can feel the rage rolling off them in waves of testosterone. Derry’s dark brows are creased into a sharp �Śv’ and his fingers painfully dig into my forearms as he demands, �śWhat’s with that guy?” Looking into his eyes, I can tell he sees Mr. Creepy for what he really is�"but how? Placing a rough hand against my cheek, Gabriel pulls my attention away from Derry. �śAre you okay, Alex?” Meekly I nod, losing myself in the anguish of my guardian angel’s eyes. �śI think so.” Then, wanting privacy, I turn to Derry. �śHave you got P.E. next?” I ask tentatively. He’s still angry. The taut muscles of his neck twitch and his lower lip juts out petulantly as he answers. �śNo. Biology.” Becke picks up on my unspoken need and chimes in. �śI’ve got Biology too. Would you like to walk with us?” Reluctantly, Derry nods. With one final glance at me, he lets Becke and Jonah lead him away. Before they disappear around the corner, I call out, �śLet’s meet up after school. Out front, okay?” By then Derry’s gone, but his upturned thumb shoots back into view indicating his agreement. Taking hold of Gabriel, I smile reassuringly before leading him in the other direction. �śBack to your question�"it wasn’t as bad as the first few days. Did you have something to do with that?” �śMaybe. But you did too. You’re stronger than you think.” His face remains stoic, hard and detached, but still heartbreakingly beautiful. Pulling him into an alcove, I ask, �śAre you mad at me for sitting with Derry?” I see the surprise in his cerulean eyes as he chokes out, �śNo!” �śWell�"are you jealous of him, then?” �śOf course not!” �śGood! Because Derry’s important to me.” �śI understand. Probably even better than you do.” With a sigh, he rakes his fingers through his hair, �śIt’s just�"” �śWhat?” �śI was going crazy back there! I couldn’t protect you, not the way I wanted to.” He drags me into his arms, squeezing me against his chest so hard it hurts. After a second, his hold relaxes until there’s no longer any pain. Surrounded by his body, I’m enveloped in his warmth and his calming, outdoorsy scent. Gabriel’s voice is low and gravelly, close against my ear. �śAll I want to do is keep you safe but in class today, with that�"that�"monster leering at you, I felt so helpless. I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry.” Shaken by his outburst, his lack of composure, my hands wriggle free of his grip to wrap around his neck. �śShhh,” I croon, burying my nose into his fragrant skin at the base of his throat. �śIt was my choice but I never would’ve had the strength to make it if you weren’t there. Besides if I was really in danger, nothing could’ve stopped you.” I know this to be true with all my heart, but feeling his head nod against my hair emboldens me to continue. �śYou are keeping me safe, and sane, helping me to grow strong. And I love you for that.” As we cling to one another it slips from my mouth unbidden and unplanned�"the closest I’ve come to a confession of my feelings�"said aloud. Breathlessly, I wait for his response. After a second, Gabriel pulls back, composed once again. Tucking a rogue strand of hair behind my ear, he smiles down at me, the expression in the depths of his eyes unfathomable. �śWe should get to class.” It’s as if he hasn’t even heard me. After school, Derry’s waiting outside. Gawking at him, I can still hardly believe he’s here. Arms wrapped around his thin frame to ward off the chill, his too-small jacket seems insufficient for winter. The cold wind whips about his ill-fitting clothes, and his buzzed head desperately needs a hat. But with kids like us, when your chief concern is survival, food and safety, clothing never ranks all that high. Moving toward him with Gabriel at my side, I’m overly conscious of my new downy coat, my expensive fuzzy boots, and realize with a stab of guilt, I’m no longer that kind of kid. Longingly, I wish with all my heart Derry wasn’t either. When we get close enough to be heard over the wind, Derry raises his eyebrows at me mockingly. �śDoes Gabe go everywhere with you? And doesn’t the lack of privacy create complications in the bathroom?” Mirroring his expression, I retort, �śWe walk to and from school together. Do you have a problem with it?” �śSeems like you two do everything together.” Although his tone’s flippant, I see a flash of something raw move across the surface of his eyes. Holding on to the knowledge that our reunion isn’t what Derry envisioned and a lot of change for a kid like him to process, I try to be patient. �śLook, I know this isn’t quite what you expected, but you’re still my best friend. Gabriel doesn’t change that�"nothing can change that�"except you.” Staring at him in an unspoken challenge, I feel Derry search for the truth in my eyes, my soul. Finally he looks down at his shabby Converse sneakers, wiggling his toes under the fraying green fabric of the cloth, and mumbles, �śI’m sorry, Lexi. I guess I’m just not used to you having a boyfriend.” Apologetically he meets my unflinching gaze. �śBut that doesn’t mean I won’t get used to it.” His big puppy dog eyes twist my heart, and I’m reluctant to let him walk away. �śCan you come over?” Clearly pleased with my invite, he shrugs, kicking at the concrete with a worn, faded shoe. �śI’d like to�"but I can’t. Maybe another time.” �śTomorrow?” Trying unsuccessfully to cover his pained expression with a smile, he shrugs. �śHow about we just take it day by day. I’m still getting adjusted.” Although Derry’s response disappoints me, I understand how tenuous a foster family can be, especially one with lots of kids. He needs to prove something to them before he can earn privileges. That’s pretty typical for kids in the system. I give him my most understanding smile. �śSure thing. At least, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he pats my head, something he wouldn’t have dared try when we were the same height, and chuckles. �śNot if I see you first.” The joke’s old and obvious and so typical Derry that I launch myself at him, single-mindedly squeezing him until he’s begging for me to let go so he won’t be late in getting home. As we walk away from one another and the promise of tomorrow fills me, my head spins with the richness of my new life; friends, family, loved ones, and my Guardian. A contented joy bubbles up, filling my heart to overflowing and I realize this � incredibly amazing and totally foreign emotion I’m feeling is�"happiness. CHAPTER 10 The weeks between Derry’s unexpected arrival and Christmas break fly by without any surprises. He and Jonah discover their mutual love of all things sci-fi, which pretty much dominates our lunchtime conversations. I remain with him in the front row of English class, while Gabriel, my Seraph boyfriend with boundaries, resigns himself to guarding me from two rows back. Despite the increased activity in Mr. Creepy’s halo, he goes back to ignoring us. And no matter what I try, I’m unable to get my best friend to see me outside of school. During the last day of school before our three-week-long holiday break, I decide I’m not content to merely wait until Derry’s earned privileges with the Eccles. Walking into the bracing wintery afternoon with Gabriel at my side, I focus on Derry. Dressed in his thin, too-small jacket and hole-riddled Converse, he hunches against the cruel winter wind as he eagerly waves to me. And I prepare myself for confrontation. Slowing to a halt, I turn to Gabriel, �śI need a minute with Derry alone, okay?” There’s never any doubt in my mind that he understands as he nods and turns back the way we’ve just come. Closing the distance to where Derry waits, I try to form what I want to say. Hands shoved in his pockets, his stubbly head tucked against the cold, Derry asks, �śWhere’d Gabe go? Siberia?” �śForgot something at his locker.”� Before I can think of something to fill the pause, Derry interjects, �śWhy are you with that guy, anyway?” This is not a subject I want to go into. Not a subject with straightforward answers, like math or science. Looking away, as the bleak sky begins to flurry, I say, �śIt’s complicated.” �śIn other words, you think I’m too dense to understand.” Before I can deny his accusation he adds, �śOr maybe our friendship is riddled with secrets. Is our friendship Swiss cheese?” I can’t convincingly deny that. In my need to protect him, I have always held things back from Derry�"my demons, halos, why I really left�"but I’ve also shared more of my true self with him than anyone. Derry’s my best friend. Meaning Gabriel, I say, �śI like him. Okay?” �śOh.” He does nothing to hide the pain and confusion in his beautiful smoky eyes. What he leaves unsaid is How did you ever let someone get that close to you when you’ve kept even me at a distance? The hurt on Derry’s face makes my eyes sting. Despite the tightening in my throat, I inquire in my most causal voice, �śSo, what’re your plans for the break?” He shrugs, also watching the snow. �śNothing really. I’ll just hang around the house.” �śCatching up on TV?” I don’t miss the sidelong glance he gives me. �śI’ll probably read. The Eccles are really strict about TV. At least for their foster kids. TV has to be earned, like everything else.” �śSo you still can’t come over?” �śNo.” �śThen I’ll come to you.” This isn’t a question. On the verge of crying, my excess emotion channels itself into my frustration and turns to anger. Plus, I’m fed up with our separation, determined to change it. Reading the resolve on my face, Derry starts to panic, �śDon’t Lexi! I mean�"you can’t! I haven’t earned any privileges so the Eccles won’t let me have visitors. If you come over, I’ll just get in trouble.” His desperation twists uncomfortably in my stomach, but I’m not ready to let it drop. �śAnd what exactly do you need to do to earn privileges?” Derry locks eyes with me in resistance, but after a second drops his head and sighs. �śI’ve got to get straight �ŚA’s.” For a moment, I think I misheard. �śStraight �ŚA’s? You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me?” �śI wish I was.” He looks at me and the misery, the undisguised longing in his slate eyes is a knife into my soul. �śI’m never going to be a straight �ŚA’ kid, Lexi. I’m a solid �ŚC’ guy. Heck, I get a low �ŚB’ and I feel like a scholar.” It’s so unfair! Derry’s a good student, but academics don’t come as easily to him as some others. He tries really hard and his effort should be enough. It should be everything. �śCan’t you explain that to the Eccles?” Grimly he shakes his shorn head. �śThey don’t �Śnegotiate’ with their custodial kids.” �śMaybe, I could get Kate or Steven to talk to them.” � �śNo, Lexi, don’t. Leave it alone please! It’s fine.” Instinctively, he tucks his left arm under his right one. And I know I should let up, but I don’t. �śNo Derry, it’s not.” �śLook, if I cause any trouble for them, they’re gonna get rid of me. Send me back to The Children’s Center.” �śYou don’t know that.” �śI do�"they told me. The only reason they took me in the first place is because they needed a kid old enough to babysit the others, and they didn’t like the look of any of the teenaged girls at the center.” He snaps his mouth shut to stop the flow of information he’s been keeping from me. His eyes are huge, pleading as he watches rage rumble across my features. �śIs that what you are to them, Derry? Guaranteed child care? How often do you babysit for them?” He doesn’t answer. �śTwice a week?” � �śLet it alone, Lexi.” �śThree times? Four? More?” �śJust stop!” But I can’t let it go. The Eccles are exploiting him, and Derry’s too trusting to realize it. I’m so enraged my chest heaves as I demand, �śHow many?” �śSix, all right! Six nights a week�"sometimes seven.” He hangs his head, frustrated I’ve badgered his secrets out of him. �śWhy do you push, Lexi? You know I can’t lie to you.” �śI don’t see why it’s such a big deal to tell me.” My hands are on my hips in righteous indignation, and I’m about ready to launch into another round of scolding when Derry peers up at me with huge, anguished eyes. �śEverybody has secrets�Ś even you.” Just like that my anger burns out, leaving me with remorse and the image of Derry’s haunted eyes. After years of being raped of his dignity�"his power�"all he has left is that untouchable part deep inside. Never has it occurred to me that he’d begrudge sharing his innermost self with his best friend. But he’s right; I can’t take his secrets by force. And although his accusation has no malice behind it, I still feel the sting. Because he knows me well enough to see I’m withholding my own secrets, parts of me I can’t share. I feel like a bully and a hypocrite, hardly worthy of his friendship. Snowflakes begin to whirl around us. Although they don’t stick to the ground, they won’t be kept at bay forever. �śI’m sorry, Derry. It’s just that I don’t like to see you being taken advantage of. You’re so kind hearted. You would do just about anything for anybo�"” �śDon’t you think I’m smart enough to know when I’m being used?” His tone’s sharper than usual, his saffron halo bristling in agitation as he speaks. �śI’m not a moron. But you gotta let me make choices for myself, Lexi. I’m not a little kid anymore.” Running a hand over his close-cropped head, he stares off into the distance. �śDid it ever occur to you I could be using them too?” The thought Derry would be calculating enough to use his foster parents disturbs me. �śHow? How are you using them?” �śTo get into this school�"to get to you. I’m fine with the arrangement. They don’t beat me, or molest me. They feed and clothe me. So what if they’re strict, so what if they make me study all the time and babysit and do tons of chores? Whatever.” But it’s not enough for me, not after all the recent changes in my life. Tugging at his thin arm, I turn him until we’re again face to face. �śBut that’s not a home.” �śNo it’s not and I don’t need it to be. Because you are my home, Lexi. And I can deal with all the rest of it because I’ve got you.” His pleading eyes, as familiar as my own, are full as Derry’s whole world flickers through them. Feeling frustrated and impotent, I bite my lower lip, using the stinging pain to override my emotions. �śThere has to be something I can do to help.” �śPlease Lexi, don’t say anything to anyone. Okay? Just be here for me. That’s what I need. With your foster family and new friends�"your boyfriend�"I’m terrified I don’t mean as much to you. And I couldn’t stand losing you.” His whole body tenses. I sense him pulling away as he lifts his face to the wintry sky, rapidly blinking away tears before they can spill down his gaunt face. I have no words, nothing I can offer to adequately reassure him of his place in my heart. Feeling my own tears slide down the frozen skin of my cheeks, I reach for Derry and pull him to me before he can distance himself any further. I cling to him like an anchor, using my body to convey what words can’t. Holding him feels achingly familiar and at the same time strangely foreign because his soft boyish curves are rapidly being replaced by the hard landscape of a man. A brief, unexpected jolt of awareness shoots through me. I do my best to ignore it. After several seconds, Derry pulls away. He still looks as if he might cry. His hands tremble slightly as he presses the heels of his palms to his temple and inhales through his nose. �śI’ve gotta go. I’m late.” And I don’t want to let him go, even though I must. �śI’ll miss you.” �śI’ll miss you more. And I’ll do my best to call you, okay?” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gabriel approaching. Derry tightly says to him, �śTake care of my girl for me, Gabe.” When Gabriel solemnly nods, Derry gives us both a quick wave before hurrying away. When he peeks back over his shoulder before disappearing around the bend, my heart squeezes around his image, trying to capture him.� For a long time I stare in the direction Derry has gone thinking about our conversation, his secrets, my hypocrisy, and the meaning of home. Gabriel’s strong arms slide around my waist as he pulls me into the fragrant warmth of his chest. Quietly he asks, �śAre you all right, Alexia?” Not trusting my voice, I nod into his flannel shirt, letting the soothing scent of laundry soap and the great outdoors center me. The falling snow is heavier now, and I wonder if this’ll be the storm that yields the first accumulation of the season. Gabriel’s hand moves up to stroke my hair. �śYou want to help him.” My answering sigh is heavy with the helplessness I feel. �śHe doesn’t want help. And even if he did, I don’t know what I could do without making things worse for him.” Planting a gentle kiss on the top of my head, Gabriel separates himself enough to begin leading me toward the Fosters. With a reassuring squeeze he says, �śI have a few ideas about that. Would you like to hear them while I walk you home?” * When we get to the Fosters’, I see Nana Kransky peeking out the window from behind the curtain at Gabriel and me, and not for the first time. I know she’s curious, but she’s also respectful of my privacy. So far, she has kept a prudent distance. As the curtain falls closed, I peer up at Gabriel. A rogue chunk of his golden hair hangs over his eyes. Unable to help myself, I reach up, pushing the silken strands out of the way so I can see his face. Leaning gently into my hand, Gabriel covers it with his before I can withdraw. His eyes drift closed as he revels in the sensation, the power and heat of our combined touch. For a moment, I study his achingly handsome face, battling my urge to move closer and increase our contact. But the intimacy of our hands already feels like a trespass of the boundaries he has set, and I won’t risk the rejection that’ll most certainly occur if I give in to my urges. Still, I don’t pull away. � I wait in a torturous limbo to see what my guardian will do next. After an eternity of heartbeats he lets me go, his emotions carefully schooled as he says, �śI should head out. I’ll pick up the stuff we discussed.” Stuff for Derry. My best friend’s impending absence is still heavy on my mind as I ask, �śWill I see much of you over the break?” �śAs much as you like.” �śCan we exchange Christmas gifts?” He fixes his eyes on the sidewalk, somewhat bashfully, confessing, �śI already got you something.” �śOh,” I don’t know why I’m surprised a guardian angel would spend his spare time shopping, but I am. Feeling lame, I admit, �śI haven’t shopped yet.” �śYou don’t need to�"” �śBut I want to�"” �śOkay.” A thought causes his lips to purse as a slight frown puckers his brow. �śIf you’re going shopping, um, I should probably go with you.” And I know he’s talking about protection, but I can’t help teasing. �śHow am I supposed to shop for you if you’re with me? I would have to blindfold you.” The image of Gabriel wearing a blindfold and surprisingly little else flashes vividly through my mind. I forget to breathe. Heat spreads through my veins, flushing my face despite the bitter cold, making me desperate to retreat before he notices my embarrassment. �śYou shouldn’t go alone.” Mortified by what’s happening to my body, I respond at a rapid-fire pace. �śI won’t. I’ll see if Becke wants to go with me. In fact why don’t I call her right now?” Gabriel nods approvingly as I fumble for the doorknob.� �śCan I see you Saturday?” �śUh, sure, bye.” Staggering inside the house, I barely manage to shut the door before sagging against it. My heart hammers in my chest, my face is hot and my body feels tingly all over. Regarding my shaking hands with horror, I wonder if I’m the type of girl who swoons over guys. Or at least one guy. Using my yogic breathing to calm my treacherous body, I tell myself what just happened is an isolated incident. An unfortunate burst of teenage hormones. But just in case, I decide it won’t hurt to create some boundaries of my own. * Three days later Becke and I meet at the mall, with the rest of the known universe, committed to finding the ultimate presents. I’ve never willingly ventured into crowded places. A slave to her fear, the old Alex wouldn’t have dared, but I’m not her. I feel stronger, less afraid of the dark ones, and now I’m not alone. I have friends and family, a safe haven to shelter me. My recent reactions to those with dark halos haven’t left me incapacitated, and I’m hopeful the difference is due more to changes in me than Gabriel’s angelic presence. Today, nervous but also excited, I decide to find out. Entering the mall, I’m confronted by a sea of shimmering halos, the masses desperately shopping for the perfect gift. There are only a few dark pockets, and while I’m not so foolish as to walk through them, I decide to shop without any excess avoidance. Eyeing the bustling horde of shoppers, Becke sucks in her breath. She’s as uncomfortable in this chaos as I am. �śWhere do you want to start first?” she asks, her voice rising to a squeak at the end. �śMaybe somewhere less crowded. One of the department stores?” She nods in relief, and we weave our way toward a moderately priced department store at the far end of the mall. From what I know of Becke’s family�"both parents working shifts for a transportation company and three younger brothers at home�"I assume she’s on a budget. Although Kate and Steven have insisted on giving me a sizeable chunk of their Christmas fund, my focus is on finding the perfect cool�"thrifty�"gifts, rather than expensive ones. As we thread our way through the packed space, Becke asks, �śWho’re you shopping for today?” I recite my list, ticking them off on my fingers. �śKate, Steven, Kate’s Mom, Derry, and Gabriel.” Mentally, I add Becke to that list. �śGot any ideas of what you want to get them?” I shake my head. �śNone. How about you? Who’re you shopping for?” �śMy parents, my brothers, my grandparents, and, uh, Jonah.” Her cheeks color deep pink as the last name rolls off her tongue. My eyebrows lift in expectation despite my best efforts to keep my features neutral. �śSo�Ś How’re things going with Jonah?” Becke lets out a huge, telling huff. She flashes from embarrassed to exasperated in less than a second. �śWho knows? One minute he’s holding my hand and the next he’s patting my head, like I’m a cocker spaniel. I think I’m gonna have to smack some sense into him!” �śTell me about it.” �śUh-uh.” She skirts gingerly around a meandering family of four with matching ecru halos. �śYou’ve got the perfect boyfriend: hot, considerate, not a jealous bone in his body, singularly attentive and devoted to�"” �śWho won’t kiss me.” �śWhat?!” Suddenly, I need to talk about this. Well, as much as I can talk about it without going into the whole Greater Seraph sent to protect me from some horrible future occurrence thing. �śWe’ve got boundaries, or more accurately Gabriel does. I think it’s a PDA thing.” Becke’s green eyes are incredulous. �śYou’ve never even kissed?” �śOnce. Afterward he said it was �Śterrible’.” I shiver as that one word triggers an onslaught of feelings best left buried. Even after several months, the memory of our kiss is a stranglehold on my heart with no signs of diminishing. Becke places a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. �śI’m sure you misunderstood. He’s probably just being a gentleman. You know how the slightest little things get guys all worked up. He’s probably just afraid of going too fast or being able to control himself.” Not having the whole story, she can’t know there are more compelling reasons for his behavior. My response is skeptical, half hearted at best. �śYou think?” �śI know!” She stops to regard me in earnest. �śI see the way he looks at you. Alex, you’re his whole world. I can’t even believe a guy could look at a girl the way Gabriel looks at you. It’s so rare. I’ve never seen my parents look at each other like that. I’ve never seen anyone look at the person they love that way.” Desperate to change the subject, I admit, �śI’ve got no clue what to get him for Christmas. You’ve got to help me.” Two hours and nine stores later, my arms are laden with bags brimming with deliberately chosen gifts that, while just short of perfect, make me excited for the upcoming holiday. Carefully navigating our way through the crush of humanity�"which seems to have tripled in the last hour�"we set our sights on a smoothie shop at the far end of the food court. Halfway to our goal, Becke abruptly halts, causing me to nearly knock her over. It’s lucky she doesn’t go down, because as crowded as it is she’d most like be trampled to death by the oblivious multitude. �śSorry.” She reaches out and we steady each other as she apologizes. �śDo you mind if we go over there?” Following the direction she’s pointing, I note a little kiosk promising Everything Dolphin. My eyebrows lift in surprise, and despite my best intentions, I can’t settle them back to normal as I nod my agreement. Self-consciously, Becke chuckles. �śI’ve had a thing for dolphins ever since I was a little girl. In kindergarten when we shared what we wanted to be when we grew up, I told my class I wanted to be a mermaid so I could live with the dolphins.” She rolls her eyes. �śAnd I don’t know why I just told you that.” �śIt’s cute,” I assure her as I choke down a benign snicker. �śIf you ever repeat that story to Jonah, I’ll�"uh�"I’ll, uh�"well, I don’t know what I’ll do. But you can bet it’ll be horrible and of epic proportions.” Her threat carries all the weight of a soap bubble causing me to roll my eyes and laugh outright. �śI’m so scared.” She swats my arm as we make our final push through a clump of shoppers to get to the kitschy kiosk. Examining the large case of dolphin jewelry, Becke looks like a kid in a candy store. The salesperson�"like a blood-scenting shark with a halo colored to match�"zeros in on her, pointing out the finer points of various �śone of a kind” pieces and emphasizing the �śunbeatable” holiday sale prices. Becke hovers, mesmerized by a pair of silver earrings, �śembracing dolphins to symbolize peace, love, and unity and marked down from $99 to $32,” so we’re told. After some quick mental calculations, she lets out a soft sigh and says to the salivating salesperson, �śI think I’m going to pass, but thank you.” The clerk’s face pinches in disapproval, and without a word, she dismisses us in search of new prey. Turning to me Becke rationalizes, �śA week before Christmas is hardly the time to spend that kind of money on myself, right?” �śMaybe your parents will�"” �śDoubtful.” Becke’s smile is sweetly understanding as she explains, �śThey’re much better at boy gifts than girl ones. My mom was a tomboy, she played softball and everything. They try hard but it’s like they see something pink or frilly and think �śthat’s meant for a girl�"and Becke’s a girl�"so she’ll like it.” One year they gave me one of those life-sized Barbie heads you can style and make up.” �śThat’s not a bad gift.” �śI was fourteen!” �śOh.” I start laughing as I picture it in my head. Fourteen-year-old, earthy, dolphin-loving Becke faking enthusiasm over a Super Stylin’ Barbie head. �śI’m really sorry.” But Becke is so kind, her shoulders start to quake as shrugs. �śDon’t be, I’m used to it. They don’t mean any harm.” Laughing with me, she adds, �śThis year I’m hoping for a My Little Pony play set.” As hilarity overtakes us, I make a mental note to get Gabriel to speak to Jonah about a certain pair of silver, �śso cheap they are practically a steal” embracing dolphin earrings. Resuming our quest for smoothies, we pick our way across the food court. Just steps from our goal, I feel a strange tug on my arm. Then a gravelly voice that’s part growl, part hysteria, cries, �śWhat do you want from me?” The voice sounds like an old woman, but when I turn toward it all I see is a gaping maw of blackness. My stomach violently seizes as my legs give out. I sink to the ground, curling into the fetal position as nausea claws its way up my throat. My arm’s on fire as the woman’s sharp nails dig into the skin. The darkness, which still sounds like someone’s little old grandma, croaks at me, �śYou did this to me! You did this!” My eyes are clenched shut against the vision. I clamp my lips to keep from begging, but the voice in my head is pleading, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop! � The hands�"now scratching and tearing at my skin�"are ripped away and another voice, a man of indeterminable age, apologizes, �śI’m so sorry. My mother has Alzheimer’s�"she imagines things. Ma, come away. Leave that girl alone.” �śShe’s no girl! No one else can see but I see�"I know what she is!” �śAgain, I’m sorry. I, uh, hope she didn’t hurt you.” Sensing their retreat, I try to stop the internal spinning that renders me unresponsive. Becke calls to me, as if from a distance. I feel her hands on my shoulders, but all I can focus on is the uncontrollable roiling inside of me. I’m being swept along a ferocious current of darkness. Helpless and exposed. I will myself not to pass out. Then it stops. Relief, like I’ve never felt before in my life, overpowers me as the tumultuous blackness is eradicated by light. Warmth. Stillness. For a time I revel in the protective cocoon enveloping me in safety. Then, bit by bit, I return to my surroundings. No longer prone, I’m sitting up, supported by and wrapped in the light. A gentle hand caresses my cheek, fingertips heated and soft. A brush of air stirs the sensitive hair at my neck�"a warm breath against my ear. A soft shushing sound registers. My face nestled against skin, surrounded by the spicy scent of the outdoors. Gabriel. He cradles me on his lap, surrounds me with his impenetrable embrace. Beyond us, everything is still. Becke’s quiet voice penetrates the solitude. �śIs she all right?” Softly, Gabriel says, �śShe had a panic attack. But she’s going to be fine.” His chin brushes against the top of my head as he speaks. �śThank goodness you showed up when you did. That little old lady was crazy�"she just attacked Alex�"it was so scary.” Becke’s voice sounds on the verge of tears. Before she can cry, I flutter my hand in her direction. �ś S’kay.” Gabriel holds me tighter. Into my ear he whispers, �śTake your time.” My eyes feel grainy and pasted shut. Painfully, I blink until my surroundings come into focus, but the nondescript hallway isn’t familiar. Pulling back to gaze at Gabriel, I ask, �śWhere are we?” �śService hallway.” His clear blue eyes are reassuring as he gives me a knowing look. �śNo one’s going to bother us here.” Becke’s phone chirps, making me start with a little involuntary jump which causes Gabriel’s arms to tighten around me in response. Still somewhat overwhelmed�"maybe in shock�"she curses under her breath. �śMy grandma’s here so I probably need to go. Unless you want me to stay?” Rather than answer right away, I rest my head against Gabriel’s shoulder, angling myself so that I can see her better. As our eyes meet I give her a wan smile, the best I can manage under the circumstances, weakly saying, �śGo.” For a moment, she just stares at me, her green eyes narrow, flickering with uncertainty. �śAre you sure you’re okay, Alex?” Carefully choosing my words, I explain, �śThis isn’t the first time something like this has happened�Ś I have some stranger anxiety but mostly, I don’t let it stop me from doing things. Every once in a while, it catches me off guard. I freaked out�Śbut I’ll be fine.” Sympathetically she nods as she slips her phone back into her purse. �śI wish I’d known. I didn’t know how to help you. I was so relieved when Gabriel showed up.” Recalling my precisely chosen presents, I groan, struggling to break free of Gabriel’s embrace. �śMy bags�"” �śGot them.” Becke points to a jumble of bags against the wall, straightening mine as she gathers hers. �śOkay then�"I guess I’ll go. Call me when you’re feeling better. Bye guys.” As soon as she’s gone, I twist in Gabriel’s arms just in time to see his calm mask dissolve into concern. The image of the black gaping maw is heavy in my mind, causing shivers to ripple up my spine. �śWhat was that old lady? Was she human?” �śThat was a very tortured soul. Someone who has done terrible things with no remorse.” Gabriel’s halo blazes as he speaks. �śSometimes, when they’re close to death, their evilness consumes them.” �śAnd they’re drawn to me�Ś” I think back to the dark boy at The Children’s Center, Mr. Creepy, the faceless person at the CD store, and countless others. �śWhy?” The vulnerability in his expression as he looks at me causes my heart to clench. Very gently, more of an apology than an explanation, he says, �śIt’s part of your gift.” Gift. Curse. I can’t have this conversation right now, and I tell him as much as I struggle to my feet. While I revel in the simple accomplishment of standing on my own, Gabriel gathers my bags, handing me my purse. �śWhat’re you doing here anyway?” Giving me a wry smile, he interlaces his fingertips with mine, initiating an electric current that spreads through my whole body as he answers easily, �śSame as you, I suppose. Shopping.” Shopping. In the ensuing silence following his explanation I hear all things he’s leaving unsaid. Staying close in case you need me�Ś Protecting you�Ś Doing my duty�Ś Being your guardian. His celestial eyes sparkle impishly as he hefts my bags, seeming to test their weight. �śSpeaking of shopping�"what did you buy today?” Snatching a forest green bag from his hand, I hold it behind my back as he continues to grin expectantly. �śNothing.” �śThis seems like a lot of �Śnothing’.” He steps into my personal space, playfully reaching around my back. �śIs my gift in there?” �śNope.” Stepping deftly backward, I feel a cool wall at my back, blocking any further retreat. Gabriel advances and I can nearly feel the contours of his lean body against mine. My traitorous hormones stir. �śSo you won’t mind if I peek?” His full lips are contorted into a smirk that matches the challenge in his sparkling eyes. Holding the green bag out to my side and high in the air, I ask smugly, �śCan’t you already see what it is?” A tiny frown furrows his left brow. �śLike x-ray vision?” When I nod, he shakes his head negatively. �śNo. That would be cool though!” But he’s no ordinary boy and I remain unconvinced. �śI mean�"can’t you just tell?” Rolling his eyes, he looks at me in exasperation. �śI’m an angel, not a clairvoyant. For the most part I’m subject to mortality and average human behavior.” While there is nothing average about Gabriel, it’s his �śfor the most part” that captures my attention. �śWhat does �Śfor the most part’ mean?” Becoming more serious, he shrugs. �śI’m allowed to bend the rules now and then.” �śLike what?” �śWell, I’m very attuned to you. I can sense when something’s wrong�"when you’re not okay. And in times of peril or duress my survival skills are enhanced.” I think back to that day at the record store�"how we traveled from the sidewalk outside the shop to the Fosters’ porch as if by magic. �śEnhanced how?” Inspecting the tip of his boot, he modestly admits, �śSpeed, strength, stuff like that.” His eyes lift to pierce mine, causing heat to suffuse my body. �śWhen it comes to your safety, if you’re in danger, my divine nature takes over�"kind of like a supernatural adrenaline rush.” Remembering the first day of school, my terrifying and beautiful rescuer, I reach up with my free hand to stroke his cheek. �śDo you ever feel afraid?” �śNot of facing danger�Ś not of protecting you.” His voice, while truthful, is rough and heavy with the strain of what he’s not saying. While he may be my fearless guardian, there’s something that frightens him. It hangs in the air between us, unspoken but there regardless. The shadow of his fear flickers across his eyes, growing as my fingers trail from his cheekbone to the corner of his mouth. Gabriel swallows, and the sound is loud in the scant space separating us. His eyes close as I trace the shape of his full lower lip, slowly leaning forward until we’re sharing the same breath. And I need to kiss him�"with every fiber of my being. Shattering my resolution to keep my own boundaries, undeterred by the memory of him whispering �śterrible” after the last time, and despite the knowledge he’s with me because it’s his duty�"I need more. Parting my lips, I feel his hand cup the curve of my jaw. My eyes flutter closed as I prepare to defy gravity, to experience heaven. Suddenly the world shifts, and I come crashing back into reality. Gabriel has captured my roaming fingers, halting their exploration as he takes a nearly imperceptible step backwards. His eyes reveal nothing as he announces in a gentle but firm voice, �śI’ll take you home now.” Too shocked to recover, I grab my bags from his arm, ducking my head so my hair hides my wounded expression. I spend some seconds rearranging my parcels as I wrestle with the hurt and shock of his rejection. My eyes sting. My throat aches. Resounding in my head is the knowledge that I ignored the boundaries. I brought this upon myself. When I’m certain I won’t cry, I begin to walk toward the exit sign without saying a word. CHAPTER 11 Still debilitated from my encounter with the old woman, not to mention Gabriel’s latest rejection, I climb the Fosters’ porch with heavy legs. Gabriel holds most of my bags and supports my arm as I sag against him. If I wasn’t so drained I’d pull away and tell him to leave me the hell alone. Rather than keeping her usual respectful distance, Nana steps out to greet us, a severe frown pinches her normally youthful features.� After a quick appraisal, she gestures from me to the living room with a wrinkled finger. �śYou inside.” Then, turning to Gabriel, she reaches for my bags. �śGo home, young man. Alexia will call you later.” I barely have time to glance at him�"left speechless and conflicted in the face of Nana’s authority�"before she ushers me inside. Setting my bags in the entryway, Nana continues to take stock of my condition, shrewdly watching while I amble toward the roaring fireplace. �śRest. While I make you a cup of tea.” Sinking into the couch, I drag a blanket over my shivering body, waiting and trying not to think about the lies I might have to tell to explain my condition. I don’t like lying to her, but I can’t tell her the truth, either. Staring in indecision at the fire, I watch it crackle and pop. When she returns, I’m in a semi-stupor-like state, induced by the heat and post-trauma fatigue. She hands me a large steaming mug that feels surprisingly good in my hands. Since the attack, I’ve been clenching my fists. My hands are achy and cramped from stress. Inhaling, I let the warm chamomile warm them as its mist fills my nose and throat. �śRelax.” Nana Kransky’s voice is soothing, nearly hypnotic as she gently sits beside me. �śDrink.” After watching me swallow a couple of tentative sips, she nods approvingly. �śBetter?” �śYes.” Holding my breath, I expect � her to start asking about what happened at the mall. But instead, she selects one of Kate’s large picture books�"the kind for coffee tables�"and opens it to the center. The picture is actually a collage of many paintings, Catholic or orthodox Saints of some kind. The difference in style and representation lead me to believe that the focal point is intended to be the Saints themselves, not the various artists. Leaning in next to me, Nana Kransky asks, �śWhat do you see, Alex?” �śSaints.” �śWhat else?” She gives me an encouraging nod indicating I should elaborate. I look again, this time noting similarities and differences�"but interpreting art has never been a talent of mine. Paintings don’t elicit my emotions; music, lyrics make me feel. Still, I try my best to pass what feels like a test. �śDifferent artists and periods, but the focus is that they are all Saints.” �śHow do you know they are all Saints?” �śThe halo around their head. The golden circle�"I mean, that is the sign of� a Saint�"right?” �śAnd how do you think the first artist to paint Saints as such, chose to depict his subjects that way?” Her mild question is at odds with the shrewdness in her eyes. Trying to think like an artist, I imagine seeing a really good person, a Saint. How would I know they were good? If I wanted to capture them on canvas, what would I paint? For me, I would see the shimmering halo surrounding them. That is what I would strive to capture�" The knowledge has weight as it hits me. I gasp. �śSomeone saw them like that�"shining light encircling their head. Someone saw their halos.” Waiting for me to absorb this information, Nana Kransky pauses before stating, �śI see people like that�"certain people�"with light encircling their heads. What do you see?” My addled brain moves sluggishly, replaying her words once, then twice before I grasp their import. Nana knows! She sees things, like me. Although her admission changes things�"there are others out there�"I still can’t help but be cautious. Carefully neutral, I say, �śI’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Rather than dispute me, her sharp old eyes narrow thoughtfully as she elaborates, �śYou see, I have a gift. I perceive things differently than most people. Just by looking, I can tell if someone is good�"if his or her soul is good. What do you see?” Before I can find a reason to stop myself, I say, �śI see all people like that�" not just Saints�"with their goodness or evil surrounding their entire bodies.” The truth feels surprisingly good to admit�"freeing. �śI thought so.” �śYou knew?” �śI knew there was something special about you, Alex. Something extraordinary.” �śHow?” �śI do not have the ability to see evil but I can see those who are truly good�"those who possess the Gifts of the Saints. Those with the gift have a glow around their head indicative of the strength of their gifts. And yours is the brightest I have ever encountered. Even brighter than Kate’s.” �śKate?” �śThe first time I saw Katie, I knew she had the gift. I also knew she was tortured and terrified. But we all have our gifts for a reason. I have mine so that I may identify others and help them to understand what they possess and use their talents. That’s what I did for Katie�Ś and what I will do for you if you’ll let me.” Her words barely register. She’s known! And Kate’s known�"all this time�"but she hasn’t said a word. Why? All the feelings�"the terror, being completely alone, the helplessness�"lodge in my throat. Taking a shaky sip of tea, I concentrate on keeping my emotions from bubbling over. Not wanting to lose this chance for answers, I ask, �śWhat is The Gift of the Saints, exactly?” Thoughtfully Nana Kransky picks up the book, explaining, �śSaints are those gifted�"blessed�"with extraordinary power and goodness. They protect the world from evil with their abilities. But they’re not superheroes, they are mortal, and when they die their divine power is bestowed on another. Sometimes the recipient has no idea they are sainted until the gift manifests. Even then�"some cannot make sense of it without help.” Ignoring her pointed look, I continue to probe for information. �śDoes evil work the same way?” Shaking her head back and forth, she explains, �śEvil also goes from host to host. But unlike the power of the Saints which adapts to and enhances its recipient, evil exploits the weak. Once it manifests, it takes over, sucking the humanity from its host until there is nothing human left. You see, humans are created in God’s image, so evil seeks to destroy every trace of the Creator. Like a parasite, evil consumes its hosts until all that’s left are�"” �śMonsters.” She nods. �śAlso known as demons.” Not even the blanket, tucked tightly around me can keep out the chill at her words. �śI see demons?” �śAnd Saints. And from what you’ve told me, everything in between as well.” �śIs there a way�"you know�"to get rid of it?” �śGet rid of your gift?” �śI don’t want it.” �śBut Alex, it is a great gift, an honor. I’ve never met anyone who possesses a gift as powerful as yours. I know it’s a lot to take in, child, but you don’t have to do this alone. Kate, Steven, and I are here for you.” Steven too! And I was worried about deceiving them. Anger�"a delayed but justifiable reaction�"burns though me. Most everyone in my life has had the answers I so desperately needed�"everyone but me. �śBut I don’t want it! I didn’t ask for this. It was thrust on me. What kind of Creator would drop this on a helpless, unsuspecting, unprepared kid?” �śAlex�"” �śNo! I just want to live a normal life. I’m tired of running, of constantly looking for shadows and living in fear. It can’t do this�"” I don’t wait for her answer. I run to my room�"if I can even call it mine�"and � hurl myself onto the bed. How am I supposed to trust in a world where everyone is keeping secrets? Kate, Steven, Nana Kransky�"even Gabriel knows more about me than I do. Only Derry has been truthful with me. Just thinking about Derry makes my heart ache with need. I pretend I’m back at the Children’s Home and Derry’s telling me about when his real family will come to get us. How much they’ll love me and how I’ll finally have a normal family. I wish we could return to that time and place. But for me, there’s no such thing as normal. And now, there’s no going back. Not ever. Later, there’s a quiet knock at my door followed by Kate’s soft request to come in. When I don’t answer, she cautiously enters. Her chocolate eyes regard me gravely as she sits on the edge of my bed. After a cursory glance in her direction, I turn away to stare at the wall, unwilling to broach the subject I wish with all my heart I could forget. Finally Kate speaks. �śI’m sorry, Alex.” In the face of my silence she continues. �śMaybe I should have said something right away. But I didn’t want to scare you�"or make things worse. I remember what it was like for me�"living on the streets and trying desperately to pretend I wasn’t crazy�"and I wanted to give you time to adjust.” I feel Kate’s gentle touch, her hand smoothing my hair. �śMaybe I was wrong,” she muses, �śbut I really was trying to make things easier for you.” Kate’s caress is comforting. Soothing. Despite my vow of silence, questions begin to percolate in my brain. �śHow long have you known?” �śSince before I laid eyes on you.” She answers simply, holding nothing back. �śI’d dreamt of The Children’s Center for about a week before I mentioned it to Steven. We made arrangements to visit the following day. We’d always planned to open our home and our hearts to a child.” In my mind are visions of cooing babies and dimpled toddlers in need of a better life. Although she doesn’t say so, I am certain this is what Kate envisioned. Not a problematic teenager. The knowledge grates at me, causing me to spew, �śI’m hardly a child!” �śTrue,” she agrees diplomatically and without a trace of remorse, �śbut you are the reason I was led to that place at that time. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect�"so I was doing my best to keep an open mind�"and listen...” The cryptic response causes me to roll over and really look at her for the first time in our conversation. �śListen for what?” Her eyes are huge and fluid with the emotions of her own burden�"anguish, wonder, humility and finally acceptance surge�"as she holds my gaze. The small smile on her lips tightens with her admission. �śThe best way I can describe it is like a choir of angels. Heavenly, transcendent music that calls to me. The source of the music is usually another person with the gift. �śIn this case, it was you, your spirit calling to mine, and the music was unlike anything I’ve ever heard before. I felt, before I even saw you, how exceptional and extraordinary you are. Then I saw you and recognized�"because I remember mine so clearly�"the torment, the terror of looking into the pits of hell and having no defense against it. The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew I wasn’t leaving that place without you.” Somberly considering this woman, who would be led by music to open her home to a surly teenager and whose personal demons flicker in her guileless eyes, I can’t be angry. Suddenly all I feel is spent, exhausted on a cellular level. �śThank you.” Finally, I comprehend her small, tight smile that comes from seeing and hearing�"from knowing and feeling�"too much and keeping it inside. Her transparency is not without a cost, which makes it all the more precious. �śYou’re welcome, Alex. Do you have any questions for me?” �śLater? I think I’ve reached my limit for now.” With a nod, Kate stands. �śWhenever you’re ready�Ś for you I’m an open book.” As she turns to go, I find myself compelled to ask, �śWhat if I’m never ready?” Unconditional acceptance, the warmth of Kate’s understanding assails me. �ś�ŚNever’ is a long time, Alex.” * The next morning Steven calls me to the phone and I’m acutely aware of the sympathy in his eyes. Kate’s told him everything, of course. I don’t begrudge him her confidence but it doesn’t make it any easier to face him. Thankfully, he gives me some much needed privacy as I lift the receiver to my ear. �śHello?” �śAlexia.” The anguished relief in Gabriel’s voice is unmistakable. Yet my heart hitches because part of me hoped it was�"needed it to be�"the one sane thing in my life, Derry. �śYou didn’t call me last night. Are you okay?” My answer, heavy with disappointment, comes out in a flat monotone. �śNana Kransky told me�Ś you know�Ś about the Gift of the Saints.” He sighs and, over the phone, I can’t tell if it’s out of concern or relief. �śI’ll be right there.” �śMaybe that’s not the best idea�"” �śI’ve been going crazy. I have to see you.” �śSteven’s here. And Kate and her mom�"” �śThen meet me.” Any other time, I would thrill to the urgency in his voice�"but not today. Today I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend stuff like Divine gifts and Seraphs don’t exist. �śGabriel�"” �śI’m not taking �Śno’ for an answer. Either you come to me, or I’m coming to you.” I can tell he means it. And this is not a conversation I want to have within earshot of the Fosters. �śFine,” I grumble, rolling my eyes as if he can see me. �śI’ll come to you. Where do you want to meet?” �śDo you know the little park around the corner off of Euclid?” For the first time, there’s hopefulness in his voice and it pierces through my own misery to tug at my heart. �śYes.” �śMeet me there in fifteen minutes.” Still in my pajamas and slippers, I quickly calculate how soon I can be dressed. �śMake it thirty.” �śOkay.” �śFine.” I start to hang up the receiver when his rock-solid voice stops me. �śBut if you’re a minute late, I’m coming to you.” Even before I reach the park, I know exactly where Gabriel’s waiting. The spot where he stands is ablaze with white-hot fire. And I’m amazed that the snow around him is intact rather than melted or boiling. Reflexively I shield my eyes, squinting as I search for his face. He comes to me so fast that he’s a blur�"a shooting star hurtling across the frozen earth. Looking every bit an avenging angel, he glowers at me before pulling me into his iron embrace. Crushed against his chest, I’m hyper aware that his body’s trembling�"whether from anger or fear, though, I can’t be sure. His scent of evergreen and hardwood is so appealing that I burrow my nose into his sweater, breathing deep and slow. Relaxing. Still bristling with an excess of emotion, Gabriel bends his head to my ear and whispers, �śEverything’s going to be okay.” He could just as easily be reassuring himself as me, but the promise causes me to stiffen. In my mind, there’s only one way to make things right. Flatly, I tell him, �śI don’t want it.” He pulls back, gently, to look at me. The decrease in bodily contact causes me to shiver as he regards me with grave yet patient eyes. �śI know it’s a lot to comprehend. Take some time to process.” My head shakes as desperation fuels my denial. �śI don’t want to �Śtake some time’. I’m not a Saint�"I’m not even sure I’m a good person. How do I get rid of it?” I beg, �śPlease?” �śBut you are good,” he insists. �śGoodness is a trait you possess, like intellect and compassion. You’ve got your gift because of who you are, and it’s been given for a reason�"you’re meant to use it.” �śSo tell me what the reason is?” �śAlex�"” �śRight�"you can’t.” Suddenly, his embrace is suffocating. I push at his chest until he’s forced to step back and release me. �śJust like you couldn’t tell me about your being an angel or that I have the freakin’ Gift of the Saints!” �śDon’t�"” �śNo, you �Śdon’t’�"I’m done!”� As I turn to leave, Gabriel closes the distance between us. Gripping my shoulders from behind, he pleads, �śWait!” Keeping my back to him, I clamp my eyes shut, torn between my fury and the hold that he has on me. But in the end, I love him too much to walk away. Grudgingly, I let him turn me around so that I’m staring into his heavenly blue eyes. When he speaks, his words are as penetrating as his expression. �śIf I’d told you about your gift, you wouldn’t have learned about Kate or her mom. And you wouldn’t have confided in them. I have to let things happen the way they’re meant to occur. Other than my purpose, I can’t interfere in your life. You’re supposed to confide in Kate and Steven and Mrs. Kransky�"they’re important to your future. And I won’t let you rely on me for answers. My time with you is finite.” �śMore secrets.” The anger dissipates leaving me as bereft as if he’s already gone. Gabriel’s fingers are warm, nearly burning, as he strokes my frigid cheek. �śEven though I can’t give you all the answers, I always have your best interests at heart. The only reason I’m here is you.” Leaning in, he touches his lips lightly to my forehead before murmuring against my skin, �śYou’re freezing. Let me walk you home.” Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, Gabriel tucks me against his side, safe from the biting wind. As we walk, silent and close, I’m reminded of the first weeks of school, when he was just a boy and I was a girl with nothing to lose. Now I have the Fosters, Nana and Derry, Jonah, Becke, and a Seraph in the guise of devastating perfection. And a gift that�"like it or not�"I am destined to wield. As we approach the walk to the Fosters’ porch, the door opens and Nana Kransky, dressed for the cold down to her boots and heavy gloves, steps out to wait for us. Glancing at Gabriel, Nana Kransky’s eyes are alight with expectation and something else, something subtle I’ve trouble putting my finger on. �śAlex,” she admonishes, her lined face puckering into a gentle smile, �śDon’t you think it’s time you introduce me to your young man?” I open my mouth to protest Gabriel being my young man, and then snap it closed as I reluctantly admit to myself�"boundaries notwithstanding�"that’s exactly what he’s become. My cheeks start to heat despite the cold, and I can feel the blood rushing into them as I stammer, �śUh, this is Gabriel. Gabriel, this is Kate’s, uh, mom, Mrs. Kransky.” Nana Kransky grasps his hand warmly. �śIt is a pleasure to finally meet you, Gabriel. I apologize for my rude behavior yesterday.” �śThere’s nothing to apologize for�"Alex comes first.” � �śThat is something we agree on. You may call me Nana Kransky, or Judith, or Mrs. Kransky�"whatever you wish. Alex seems to prefer �ŚMa’am’.” She gives me a playful wink that causes my cheeks to heat up. Eyes twinkling with amusement, Gabriel slides a reassuring hand into the small of my back. �śThe pleasure’s mine, Ma’am. Alex has told me much about you.” �śAnd she has told me a little of you. You are from Los Angeles, yes?” �śYes, Ma’am.” Nana Kransky’s pupils expand slightly as she tips her head considering him. �śThere was someone I knew a long time ago. A man who came to my aid when I was unable to help myself. Of course, Mikhail had dark hair and eyes, but there was something in his demeanor, his presence�Ś I can’t quite put my finger on it, but you remind me of him.” There’s not a shade of panic in Gabriel’s clear gaze as he submits to Nana Kransky’s scrutiny. �śI’m happy someone helped you when you needed it. And I’m glad I remind you of him, Ma’am.” Satisfied, Nana Kransky nods. �śI hope, children, especially now that the weather is colder, you will have the good sense to come inside instead of loitering out of doors. You are most welcome, Gabriel.” She turns to go, giving us our privacy. But over her shoulder she adds, �śWe expect to see much of you during the holidays, for Alex’s sake, of course.” �śThank you, Ma’am.” The spot on my back sings from Gabriel’s touch as Nana Kransky leaves. Still shaky from our encounter at the park and now flushed from embarrassment, I lead Gabriel into the kitchen and flop down on a stool at the counter feeling as weary as the previous afternoon. Chuckling, Gabriel sits on the stool next to me. �śAre you all right, Alexia?” Shaking my head, I think I may never be �śall right” again. CHAPTER 12 Christmas morning. Kate and Steven’s living room is littered with scraps of brightly colored paper, a warzone of consumerism at its best and most extreme. The Fosters have gone completely overboard, buying me a new laptop with travel case, a new desk/media center for my room, an iPhone, iTunes gift cards, and certificates for at least a dozen other stores I’ve never been to. It’s too much, but objecting would hurt their feelings, so I do my best to swallow my shock and honestly thank them for their generosity. At The Children’s Center each kid got one gift, always brand new, age and gender appropriate but donated and never uniquely chosen for the recipient. Some years I’d get lucky, like with the pink MP3 player or the year I got a backpack full of junk food, other years all I had to show for the holiday was a doll or a green and purple polka dot purse. But even a polka dot purse was better than some of the presents from Christmases spent with foster families. Being with Steven, Kate, and Nana Kransky, this is the first year Christmas feels truly special and worthy of celebration. So although my presents are overwhelming to take in, they’ve been given in love, so I do my best to be gracious. And while the Fosters’ generosity moves me, it’s Nana Kransky’s gift that causes my eyes to sting with gratitude. She gives me a thin case containing a compact, digital camera. �śSo you can capture your memories and document your journey,” she says simply with a wise, all-knowing expression. �śSo you never forget the friends, family, and love waiting for you. Unconditionally.” From anyone else the words would be trite, but coming from this Titan of a woman, knowing her history, her capacity to accept others, her simple truth touches me deeply. My life has changed so much in such a short amount of time, and I want to cherish every aspect�"every day and each person�"of my new life. Turning it round and round, I think about how I’ve never wanted a camera. But now that it rests bright and shiny in my hands, I’m deeply thankful. Silent tears flow as I realize there are things I want to capture: Kate and Steven, the way Jonah gazes at Becke when he thinks no one’s watching, my beautiful Gabriel in all his multi-faceted glory, even the wise insightful face of Nana Kransky, and sweet Derry�"his wide, guileless smile, his perceptive gray eyes infused with warm chestnut flecks, the rapt expression on his face when he’s thinking about Star Wars�"I’m overcome with the need to document it all. Holding the camera close to my heart, I don’t try to fight the tears as they roll down my cheeks. �śThanks Ma’am,” I manage to croak between sniffles. Then I ask Nana Kransky to be the subject of my first photo.� Later, stockpiling my expensive and totally unexpected gifts, I can’t help but wonder about the experiences my friends are having. Did Becke get her My Little Pony set? And did Jonah get my tip about the dolphin earrings? And Derry. Is he having a similar morning at the Eccles or is his experience the opposite of mine? I hope with all my heart that despite their shortcomings, Derry’s foster parents are making the day special for him. And what of Gabriel? Of course he’s alone in the vacant house that serves as his base of operations. But how is he spending this morning? My curiosity produces an ache of yearning that fills my chest and makes me desperate to see him. Luckily I won’t have to wait for long. At Nana’s insistence, Gabriel will be joining us for dinner, since his �śfamily” celebration on Christmas Eve leaves him conveniently free today. Despite the cold, I anxiously await Gabriel’s arrival out front. Freshly cut pine garlands, anchored with giant bows in the same shade of red as the front door, and twinkle lights give the porch a festive atmosphere despite the gloomy, overcast day. Even with the lack of snow on the ground the temperature’s below freezing and my breath comes in short, white bursts like smoke that I try to form into shapes while I pass the time. Since our confrontation at the park, Gabriel has been respectfully silent about important topics like gifts and fulfilling one’s destiny. Of course, he’s waiting for me to broach the subject. But it’s the holidays�"my first holiday with a real family�"and I’ve decided to make it a vacation from halos as well. My boyfriend comes over every day�"and we talk about normal stuff�"almost as if we’re a real couple. If this is the only slice of normal I’m going to get, I’m determined to make the most of it. I’ve been cooking�"something I’m getting good at since Nana’s arrival�"and it’s a relief to escape the heat of the kitchen. Also, I’m dying to know what Gabriel got me�"what he could’ve possible chosen for me before present shopping was even on my radar. Suddenly my gift to him has the potential to be inadequate, despite how carefully I selected and personalized it. Before I can fret too much, Gabriel comes strolling up the walk wearing jeans and a forest green sweater. Halo shimmering, eyes sparkling with expectancy, and smiling from ear to ear, he carries a single bag clearly containing a bottle of wine. Radiant with joy, he nearly blinds me exclaiming, �śMerry Christmas!” Instantly I’m in his strong arms, his familiar scent pervading my senses�"warm and outdoorsy, only with a hint more pine than usual. And sugar cookies? Then it hits me. Gabriel smells like Christmas! Moments later other sensations register. His minty breath warming my temple. His lean body, one hundred percent teenaged boy, pressed tightly against me. His heart pounds as furiously as mine does�"every beat clearly discernable despite our layers of clothes. Disentangling myself from his addictive embrace, I pull a deep breath of winter air into my lungs before exhaling in a sharp white burst. Trying to break free of his effect, I raise an eyebrow at the bag with the wine. �śIs that my gift?” With a roll of his eyes and an impish smile, he says, �śIt’s a gift for your parents from mine.” Then slipping his hand into his coat pocket he produces a little gold box with a filmy bow. �śThis is for you.” As anxious as I am to know what’s inside, I want him to open mine first. Slipping a brightly wrapped box from my own pocket, I thrust it at him, mumbling, �śYou first.” Apprehensively I watch as he carefully opens my gift. I’ve gotten him and Derry the same thing, only different. When Gabriel takes the little blue frame out of the box, I hastily explain, �śIt’s a digital picture frame. It holds up to five hundred pictures but it also plays music. You can load two hundred songs into it, there are speakers on the sides, and it’s got a jack for headphones. I already loaded it with a playlist I created for you but I figure the pictures will be a work in progress.” Gabriel turns it on and my image appears on the 2x4 inch screen. Something I uploaded just this morning thanks to my new camera from Nana Kransky. �śRight now this is the only picture on it,” I admit. Gabriel turns to me, beaming. �śIt’s perfect. Thank you.” He leans in and brushes my cheek with his lips. Against my skin he murmurs, �śNow mine.” Taking the tiny package, I nervously unwrap it, trying to take as much care as Gabriel as I uncover a white fabric box. Easing it open with equal parts trepidation and eagerness, a soft gasp of surprise escapes my lips as I stare at the contents. Inside is a sparkling pendant hanging from chunky silver chain. The details are exquisite. The sculpted, silvery angel wings in the shape of a heart. Not too girly or delicate, it’s exactly the type of necklace I would choose for myself. A plum-sized lump lodges in my throat. To cover my reaction, I hold up the beautifully crafted heart. �śThanks, but I’ve already got one of these.” I’m pleased with my clever joke, but when Gabriel doesn’t laugh as I intend, I add, �śAn angel heart.” He regards me gravely. �śThey’re one and the same, Alexia.” �śHuh?” �śThis,” he explains, indicating the pendant, �śis just a symbol. So you can always be sure�"and never forget�"your guardian angel belongs to you.” He takes the gift from my hand and undoes the clasp. As I lift my hair in an invitation for him to fasten it around my neck, exquisite shivers tremble across the surface of my skin. He leans forward and reaches around me. His lips brush against my ear. �ś Now you can keep my heart, next to yours.” I realize the real gift is intended to be himself. Letting Gabriel pull me into the shelter of his arms�"enveloping me in a cocoon that is boy, angel and Christmas all rolled into one�"I press my lips against the base of his throat and wish I could stay frozen like this forever. Instead, I use all my strength to pull away. Not wanting to appear ungrateful, I say, �śThis is really beautiful. But I’m confused by your mixed signals.” He jaw stiffens, a nearly imperceptible reaction, as the light in his eyes subtly changes into something controlled rather than spontaneous. �śI’m sorry. I’ll do better.” �śBetter how? What does that mean?” Lifting the angel heart from where it rests against my chest, I continue to challenge, �śAnd what does this�"” I shake the pendant for emphasis �śmean?” �śIt means what it means, Alexia. Let’s not argue about it. Please?” He’s right. I don’t want to argue. Answers can wait. Feeling suddenly contrite, I gently release the pendant. It settles heavily against my chest, just below the �śV” of my sweater. With a tight smile, Gabriel reaches out to caress the angel heart. His fingers linger briefly at the neckline of my sweater as he lifts the pendant and slides it underneath the fabric to rest against my bare skin. The cool metal sends a flash of heat pulsing through my body. When he finishes, he gathers me to him. Melting into his Christmassy heat , I whisper, �śI sorry.” In the shelter of his arms, I think about what will happen when he leaves. � I may have Gabriel’s token heart, but he certainly possesses mine. And when he goes, my heart will go with him. * When it’s time to return to school, a thick layer of fresh snow blankets the ground, for now. The ground will thaw and refreeze numerous times before the tenacious winter is finally vanquished by the rains of spring, but for the moment, the snow sticks. As Gabriel and I slip and slide our way along our seven blocks, clutching each other and occasionally falling on our butts as we goof around, I look forward to catching up with my friends. My present for Derry is in my backpack, carefully wrapped in a sweater alongside my new camera. In addition to our usual school bags today, Gabriel carries a huge duffel bag, also meant for my best friend. When we get to Midlands, Derry’s waiting expectantly out front, his hands shoved into his pockets for warmth. Still wearing his shabby jacket and holey Converse, I wonder how long he has been standing in the January cold. Eyeing the duffel he asks, �śJoining the military, Gabe?” Maybe it’s my imagination, but there seems to be a wistfulness in his voice. Gabriel just smiles. If he picks up on Derry’s desire to have me all to himself, it doesn’t show. �śActually Derrick, I was wondering if you could help me out with something?” he asks hesitantly. His question sounds slightly uncomfortable in a way intended to be disarming. Once he’s sure he has piqued Derry’s interest, he continues sheepishly. �śSo my mom’s a shopaholic. Every weekend she seems to buy me more clothes. Lately she’s been on a coat and boots kick. She doesn’t get that for guys like us it’s not complicated. We don’t care what we wear and we don’t color coordinate.” Gabriel opens the bag and pulls out a heavy winter coat and Doc Marten boots, both black and still with tags. �śShe got me these for Christmas, but I guess she forgot buying me a similar coat and the exact same boots after Thanksgiving. �śIf she found out, she’d feel all embarrassed so I’m just going to get rid of the new stuff. Since were about the same size, I don’t suppose you’d want it? Although my mom’s excessive, she does have good taste.” Like me, Derry’s had enough charity in his life to be hung up about accepting things, even under the most noble of circumstance. His eyes narrow in indecision, his pride warring with his desire to be warm as he considers the offerings before him.� �śLook, you’d be doing me a favor. She also got me some pants that are too long and a bunch of shirts I’m never going to wear. Some of them are Star Wars.” Although Gabriel’s face is carefully neutral, he’s just unleashed Derry’s kryptonite, the one thing Derry isn’t impervious to, his affinity for The Force. �śStar Wars?” �śDon’t feel obligated or anything.” The hesitation on Derry’s face melts into thinly disguised longing as he tries not to appear overeager about Gabriel’s offer. But, as we’ve counted on, The Force is strong in young Derry, and the geek in him easily wins the battle over pride. �śOkay. As long as I’m doing you a favor, Gabe.” With a covert glance at me, Gabriel affirms, �śYou are, I promise.” Even though Derry will never know, the favor is really for me. And while proper clothes aren’t much, it means a great deal to know Derry will be warm. �śOkay.” Derry reaches for the coat, breaking off the tag and slipping it on while Gabriel repacks the boots and hands him the giant bag. �śThere are gloves and matching scarves, a couple of hats, some other shirts and some sweaters too. Honestly, I have twice as much as I’m ever going to wear. My drawers are overflowing, so I really appreciate you helping me out. Thanks man.” �śUh�"you’re welcome.” Wonderingly, Derry takes the bag. Then a small smile steals across his face, lighting his eyes. I know him well enough to know he has some private joke going on in his head. So I demand, �śWhat?” �śNothing really.” He chuckles to himself. �śI was just wondering when I dress like Gabe here, if I’m going to look like a walking ad for Abercrombie & Fitch the way he does.” Gabriel clutches at his chest in mock injury, good humor radiating from his clear gaze. �śOuch!”� Derry throws up his hands in a gesture of peace. �śNo offense, dude.” Then smirking to himself, he adds, �śI mean, you can’t help it that you’re such a pretty boy.” Before he can say anything else, I pull Derry’s gift from my bag, and thrust it at him. �śMerry Christmas!” I watch with excitement as Derry unwraps the digital picture frame/MP3 player identical to the one I gave Gabriel. This one, however, is loaded with about a hundred pictures and a playlist created specifically for my best friend. After listening to me demonstrate the digital features of his gift, Derry throws his arms around me in gratitude. In my arms, he feels cold and impossibly thin despite the new coat. Hoping it’s my imagination, I press my finger along his back trying to decide if the ridges I feel are the outlines of his ribs. But before I can make a determination, he steps abruptly out of my grasp. Rubbing his hand across the bridge of his nose, he admits, �śI, uh, haven’t gotten you anything yet.” That single sentence confirms to me all my worst fears about the Eccles and his situation. He doesn’t need to say more, because I know�"I’ve lived it. As we lock eyes, we speak at the same time. �śI don’t need anything.” �śI’m still looking for the perfect thing.” Although he smiles, he cannot conceal the sadness in his eyes. It breaks my heart that I can’t rescue him. Trying not to let my concern turn to pity, I place my hand gently on his arm. �śTake your time. I’m kind of on gift overload anyway,” I confess, delicately phrasing my explanation. �śThe Fosters went a little overboard.” �śOh.” Derry’s eyes widen. He’s one of the few people in the world and certainly the only person in my life who actually gets how much their excessive gift giving would bother me. �śYeah.” Nodding in confirmation, I release a small grimace. Slinging his arm about my shoulders, Derry changes the subject by targeting Gabriel. �śSo Gabe,” he drawls, holding up his digital picture frame, �śWhat did Lexi give you?” Elbowing him in his bony ribs for his audacity, I squeak, �śThat’s personal.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. �śPersonal? Reeeally. Now I’ve got to know.” But I don’t want Derry to know. Gabriel gets it, the two most important people in my life getting the same thing, but uniquely personalized for the individual. Somehow, I think if Derry knew he would be offended. Luckily, Gabriel comes to my rescue. Ignoring Derry’s badgering, he pulls me close and escorts me to class. By lunchtime, Derry has changed into the sturdy winter boots and donned a black shirt proclaiming �śMay the F*%@! Be with You.” I watch as he produces his single peanut butter sandwich, breaking off a small bite and popping it into his mouth. Despite his stubbly head and bony frame, he looks better than I can ever remember, and I’m extremely grateful for Gabriel and his brilliant idea. Derry will never know, but every piece of clothing in the duffel was carefully chosen just for him. As Becke and Jonah join us, slipping into their seats across the table, they make us aware of the gossip swirling around the suspicious absence of Kendra Douglas. A breakdown. Hospitalization. An affair with an older man. Possible pregnancy. �śI heard she won’t say who he is,” Becke informs us as she splits her orange in two, giving half to Jonah. She’s sitting so close against him that I’m more eager to discuss the details of her holiday than the blonde cheerleader’s disappearance. �śBut they think he might be a teacher.” Jonah frowns. �śEwww!” Immediately I think of Mr. Creepy and his gross, inappropriate attention. But even Kendra’s not that stupid�"at least I don’t think she is. It surprises me when Gabriel chimes in. �śI overheard Naomi telling some of the football players she wouldn’t be back.” He stares across the cafeteria, his disapproval darkening at what he sees. Following his gaze, I see Naomi seated on the top of one of the tables, surrounded by a tight-knit crowd of her peers as she dispenses all the dirty details of Kendra’s scandal. Her captivated audience defers to her with rapt attention. She’s clearly in her element. Jonah snorts, a low grunt of derision. �śShe doesn’t seem all that broken up about the misfortunes of her best friend.” �śI’m sure she’s devastated,” Derry states diplomatically, as we watch her mime the universal gesture for pregnancy, �śon the inside.” Taking advantage of the boys’ distraction, Becke catches my eye and subtly fingers her dangling earrings, embracing dolphins. She mouths, �śDid you say something to Jonah?” Resisting the urge to glance at Gabriel, I wordlessly answer, �śNo,” and give my head a tiny shake. Technically, it’s true. �śOh.” She bites her lip for a moment, chewing her suspicion over in her mind before letting go. �śI like your necklace, Alex.” My hand flies to the hollow of my throat as heat creeps up the back of my neck toward my face. I finger the cool metal before slipping the pendant under the edge of my sweater and pressing it against my heated skin. �śThanks.” Now I do cast a quick but deliberate glance at Gabriel, catching his warm eyes before focusing my attention back to Becke. Although speaking to her, my words are meant for him. �śI kinda have a thing for angels.” Because of my deep blush and the double meaning, my response comes out unintentionally coy. �śSince when?” Derry’s voice cuts through me, severe and demanding, just like his gray-brown eyes as he scrutinizes me sharply. He knows me too well to accept this information without an explanation. Looking away from his probing eyes, I focus on the scarred table top hoping I’m not as transparent as I feel. �śSince recently.” I hear Derry open his mouth to protest, his challenge so severe it’s palpable. Fortunately, the bell rings, turning our thoughts to more disturbing matters. Although we’re starting a new semester, we still have to face Mr. Creepy for fifth period English. He teaches all sophomore and junior classes, so short of transferring schools or dropping out, we’ve no choice but to endure him. Mr. Creepy’s halo is still disturbingly dark and volatile, and as I take my seat I pop a mint into my mouth to counteract the acrid taste it produces. He seems distracted, not in an emotional way but more dull and lifeless, as if even more of his humanity has been leeched away by darkness. And despite my revulsion at the thought, I can’t help but wonder if his condition has anything to do with Kendra Douglas and the rumors. This semester, he informs us, we’ll be reading Shakespeare and other classics. Aloud. Our first work will be A Midsummer Night’s Dream. For a second I worry he’ll chose readers at random but he surprises me by asking for volunteers. No one from our little group, back together in the third and fourth rows, steps forward, but he doesn’t seem to notice or care. He pays us so little attention that I’m taken completely off guard when he calls my name on our way out to sixth period. In fact, I’m not sure he has said my name except the three boys surrounding me, Jonah with Becke in front, Gabriel at my side, and Derry at my back, immediately stiffen. Our entire group turns to face him as a single entity. Without looking up, Mr. Creepy says, �śAlexia, please see me after school.” Although his tone’s bland and businesslike, his halo begins to ooze around him like a thick oily tentacle. Gabriel has a death grip on my hand. As I stare at him in panic, he shakes his head �śno.”� My mouth is so dry, I can’t swallow down the acrid bile that rises from my throat as I try to make up an excuse as to why I can’t stay after. Mr. Creepy, however, cuts me off mid-sentence by declaring, �śIt’s not a request Alexia. Right now you are in danger of failing my class, so I expect to see you in the extra study session after school.” Without another word, he turns back to the papers on his desk, dismissing me. On the way out, Derry whispers, �śAre you really in danger of failing?” He’s as surprised by this as I am. Although English isn’t my best subject, I usually get solid Bs. �śI didn’t think I was.” My mind is frantically reviewing recent tests and assignments when Jonah vocalizes my same conclusions. �śHe’s lying.” Once we’re down the hall, Becke clutches my sleeve. �śDon’t go Alexia. You don’t have to do what he says.” Frustration gives my words an angry bite. �śIt’s fine. I can’t spend the rest of the year hiding. Maybe he’ll back down if I stand up to him.” I think of Mr. Creepy’s halo�"how his evil feeds off fear�"and realize I couldn’t be farther from the truth. But better me than some unsuspecting student. This is my problem to bear�"my curse. Jonah’s halo is back, swirling around him like agitated ash. Lacing his fingers through Becke’s, he reluctantly leads her away. Over her shoulder she implores, �śPromise me you won’t go alone.” But before I can reply, Derry slams his fist into a locker causing me to flinch. �śDammit! I can’t go with you, Lexi. If I don’t go right home, the Eccles are gonna send me back to The Children’s Center.” Then looking as pained as I’ve ever seen him, he begs, �śTell me what you want me to do. Whatever you want�"I swear I’ll do it!” I want to ask him to come with me, for both our sakes, but if I do, I could lose him again and I can’t take that risk. Feeling helpless to calm my friends or myself, I shrug, knowing they’re waiting for me to give them some direction. Yet it’s Gabriel�"surprisingly quiet this entire time�"who decides things for me. Grimly, he says to Becke and Jonah before they disappear down the stairwell, �śI’ll be with her.” Then to Derry he instructs, �śDo what you have to with the Eccles. I promise I won’t let Alex out of my sight.” Taking a step toward Gabriel, Derry gets in his face jabbing at him with an accusing finger. �śYou better not, Gabe. If anything happens to Lexi, I’m comin’ after you!” Gabriel leans forward until Derry’s finger pokes into his chest. �śIf I let anything happen to her, I’ll save you the trouble by handing myself over.” They’re so tense I expect them to come to blows at any second. Wedging myself between them, I wrap my arms around Derry’s neck. Against his ear I whisper, �śEverything’s going to be okay. I’ll be fine. You’ve got to go home, so you don’t get in trouble. Okay? I can’t lose you again.” As I let Derry go, I feel Gabriel’s protective arms wrap around my waist, embracing me from behind. For the briefest of moments, I’m sandwiched between them�"the two boys who are everything to me. Derry pulls away. His eyes are hard, his parting words a threat. �śYou better take care of her.” He gives me a look of such raw emotion that I expect him to say something profound. Instead, he spins on the heels of his new boots and stalks off without so much as a �śgoodbye.” After school, Gabriel and I head straight to English class. Whatever’s coming, it’s best to get it over with. I remind myself that we’re in a public place, and nothing truly inappropriate can happen. But before we even enter the room I’m assaulted by the frenzy of Mr. Creepy’s dark halo. It whips around him in agitated chaos causing my head to pound and my stomach to wrench. One single student�"a member of the Mr. Abernathy fan club�"sits in the back of the room, reading. Although it’s not allowed, she’s listening to her iPod with earbuds. Looking from me to Gabriel, Mr. Creepy’s lips thin into a disapproving slash. Smoothly he asks, �śDid you need me for something, Mr. Kustosz?” Gabriel’s reply is equally as smooth and delivered with deceptive stoicism. �śI’m waiting for Alex.” Mr. Creepy sizes him up, calculating, before declaring, �śI’m sorry but I have to submit the names of all the students in my makeup session ahead of time . You are not on that list�"so you’re going to have to wait out in the hall.” When Gabriel doesn’t move, he adds, �śPlease be sure to close the door on your way out, Mr. Kustosz.” Hesitating, Gabriel waits for me to nod before slowly retreating to the hall. Before he goes, he whispers, �śI’ll be right out there if you need me.” With a quick squeeze of my hand he’s gone, leaving me alone with my disturbing English teacher. I wait while Mr. Creepy pours water from a filtered pitcher into a paper cup and sets it at the edge of his desk. Looking up, he asks, �śWould you like some water?” Too sickened to play games, I try to get to the point. �śWhat exactly is this about?” �śIt’s about you failing my class,” he states. When I open my mouth to argue he continues. �śThis entire semester is based on participation. Reading aloud.” His beady eyes narrow shrewdly. �śYou don’t like reading aloud, do you Alexia?” �śNot really.”� Although he’s pretending to be benign, I can see the twisted anticipation causing his halo to undulate. The movements remind me of the first day in his class. The lingering, the glassy eyes and x-rated thoughts. My skin crawls. Looking away, I notice the handful of awards on the wall declaring him educator of the year. Yeah, right! �śI know it can be embarrassing, but speaking in public is an important skill to learn. It is my duty as an educator to teach you.” He picks up a book and extends it toward me. �śHere. I thought we’d start with Shakespeare’s poetry. Work our way up to his plays. Read the marked passage please.” Taking the book, I turn to go to the far side of the classroom when he orders, �śRead from there please.” Stopping in my tracks, I open the book to scan his selected text, Venus and Adonis, when he interrupts, �śAloud Alexia. To me.” As he glares at me, his small, feverish eyes dip from my face slowly down my body and lingering as I fumble through the text, reading it cold. The poem’s about love and seduction but in such archaic words it’s hard to comprehend where the vulgarities lie. After about twenty stanzas, Mr. Creepy, interrupts quietly, �śThat’s enough.” Wordlessly he offers me the cup of water, but even though I’m parched, the thought of taking it from him makes me sick. Setting it down with a small frown he admonishes, �śIt’s not enough to be able to read the words. You need to understand them, feel them�Ś taste them. Read the next passage, please. Slowly, as if you are Venus speaking these words in earnest and for the first time.” The most I’m able to comply is to speak slowly, as I read: �ś'Fondling,' she saith, 'since I have hemm'd thee here Within the circuit of this ivory pale, I'll be a park, and thou shalt be my deer; Feed where thou wilt, on mountain or in dale: Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry, Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.” Sliding his tongue between his thin lips to wet them, Mr. Creepy repeats in a husky voice, �śWhat is Shakespeare talking about?” Although it’s just words, just poetry, I feel violated, like I’ve just participated in something depraved. My stomach lurches. Doing my best not to vomit, I reach for the cup of water on the edge of the desk as Mr. Creepy asks, �śWhat do you think it means Alexia?” �śEnough!” Gabriel explodes through the door, seething with rage. His face is terrifying. Fierce and beautiful! His halo, blazing and huge like an inferno, fills the room and I’m surprised his fire doesn’t consume me. He’s too angry and I’m too close not to burn. �śCome on Alex!” Moving faster than I can comprehend, he grabs my wrist and propels me behind him. The cup of water flies from my hand, through the air in a slow motion arc before I can consume any. � �śHow dare you interrupt my session with a student, Mr. Kustosz? I could have you expelled for this.” Mr. Creepy is too calm. His voice is almost triumphant as if this was his goal all along.� �śYou could try!” Gabriel seethes. �śBut the odds are I can put you in the hospital before you can get me kicked out of school.” Too stunned to feel relief, I watch Mr. Creepy hesitate, calculating. His thin lips pinch as he whines, �śYou may go, Miss Grabovski.” Gabriel practically surrounds me as he ushers me roughly from the room. After he shoves me into the hallway, he turns back to face Mr. Creepy one final time. �śIf you ever come near Alex again, I WILL END YOU!” He means it. Grabbing my forearm, he pulls me down the hall, barely stopping to grab our coats before propelling me out of the building. Despite the snow covered ground, he doesn’t slow as we cross Fort Thomas Avenue. Instead he drags me alongside of him, growling, �śLet’s go.” Halfway down Midlands he falters. I’ve never seen him so angry. His flushed face is scarlet, his nostrils flaring like a wild thing. I resist the urge to shield my eyes from his halo, which blazes blindingly white as he bristles furiously from head to toe. I’m at a loss as to how to calm him. Veering off our regular course, Gabriel takes a sharp right onto Euclid and pulls me toward the little park at the end of the street. This time of year, the neighborhood park is deserted. Private. Once we are off the street, he falters again, looking around in confusion. My arm hurts where his fingers dig into the flesh. Suddenly he looks at the spot where he’s gripping me too tightly. His hand pulls away as if burnt, and he gasps, his ragged breath hitching in his throat as he sees the physical marks his rage leaves on my body. I want to tell him it’s okay�"that the marks will heal and no harm is done�"but the wild, haunted gleam in his eyes stops my words. His searing eyes seem to beg mine for reassurance, but as I reach for him, he tenses like a cornered animal. �śIt’s going to be okay,” I croon, spreading my arms. �śCome here.” Although he lets me pull him into my embrace he remains stiff, at first, quivering as I hold him. Then he’s suddenly gripping me back so tightly I think my ribs may crack. But I don’t care. Gabriel shudders. With a loud keening moan, his body convulses into violent sobbing. With the weight of his body collapsing against me, I sink down into a thick drift of snow that blankets the pristine park. Feeling the warm wetness of his emotions slide down my skin and through the valley of my body beneath my shirt, I cling to him, murmuring words meant to soothe. I run my fingers through his fine, soft hair and clutch his head against the crook of my neck. Comforting him with my body, I curl around him like a protective cocoon until it’s impossible to determine where I end and he begins. It’s a long time until Gabriel stills and an even longer time until he moves again. When he finally lifts his head, I’m ready to let him go. But instead of separating himself, he repositions his face so his lips press into the damp skin of my neck. Once, then twice, he presses against me. Before I know it, he is blazing a trail of kisses up my neck, across my jaw and toward my mouth. When he looks at me his eyes are still crazed and wild but different. Desire, hot and electric, crackles around us as he moves over me. Lowering his mouth to mine, he sinks into me, kissing me as if his survival, his very sanity, depends upon it. CHAPTER 13 Terrible! The memory of Gabriel’s whisper echoes through my brain, but I refuse to accept his inevitable rejection one second sooner than I have to. Instead, I kiss him back with everything in me. Stealing the moment and claiming it for my own. When he finally pulls away, cradling my face between his hands and whispering �śSorry,” I’m prepared. �śIt’s fine,” I murmur, already mourning the loss of this part of him. �śAt least you didn’t say �Śterrible’ this time.” My words�"a tiny calculated wound�"hit their mark and he flinches. �śAlex, can I explain?” �śI get it. Kissing me was terrible.” �śNo.” Gabriel gasps in protest, and then he visibly softens. But the fierceness remains simmering in his eyes as he stares at me with remorse. Sitting up, he pulls me out of the snow bank to face him. �śIt was never you. I know I let you think that, but what was terrible was me. Kissing you, Alexia, was wonderful! More wonderful than any other human experience I’ve ever had�"more wonderful than all of them combined. So wonderful that if I could find a way to spend a lifetime kissing you, I would!” And though I’d determined not to cry, his declaration causes hot tears of confusion to flow down my cheeks. The realization he likes kissing me opens a floodgate. �śBut what you said about your boundaries, I thought you didn’t like me the same way I liked�"I mean like a girlfriend.” �śI am a guardian of ages old. An Eternal Seraph. It’s an honor to serve, to struggle. Part of my duty is to be a bulwark, strong and disciplined against mortal temptations. I should’ve been able to easily overcome these feelings I have for you.” �śAnd can’t you?” �śThey’re tearing me apart!” The agony in his celestial eyes fuels my doubt. �śBut you’d vanquish them if you could. Overcome your feelings for me.” �śNo, Alexia. When I kiss you, I understand what could tempt beings like me to forsake eternity�"to fall for another kind of heaven.” �śThat’s your mortal hormones talking.” �śThen I hope they never shut up.” His fingers gently wipe at my face, brushing away my doubt. Closing my eyes against his touch, I savor the sensations. Soft as the flit of a butterfly’s wing, he kisses my eyelids. His lips flutter down my face following the moist, salty path of my tears to nip at the corner of my mouth. Quietly, he sighs against my lips, �śI adore kissing you.” Then he presses me flat into the snow�"his body heavy as it covers mine�"and shows me just how much. Eventually the cold, and the fact we’ve been making out in a snow drift, drive us to our feet. I drift the rest of the way home in a sort of fog, wet and frozen�"and sublime. When we get to the Fosters’ pretty porch Gabriel halts my steps, declaring, �śI’ve been dying to do this.” He grasps my hand and spins me against him. Cupping my face, he kisses me again, deep and slow. Even though Nana Kransky has returned to Florida, I know the neighbors must be watching us. But I can’t bring myself to care. Perhaps they’re even glad, and I imagine them saying things like �śfinally” and �śit’s about time.” The next morning our friends are breathless with anticipation to confirm I’m okay, and to learn the outcome of my afterschool summons. Since lunch is the first time our little group is all together, we agree to talk then. Once we’ve gathered at our usual table, it’s not eagerness that I see on their faces but rather a mixture of concern and dread, laced with various degrees of anger. Silently, they wait for me to begin. Gabriel raises our intertwined fingers and kisses the back of my hand before giving me a solemn nod. Retelling the story, I watch their faces transform from fear to awe when I get to the part where Gabriel threatens to �śend” Mr. Creepy. Prudently, I stop after storming out of the classroom but before the kissing. When I’m finished everyone’s smiling appreciatively, except Derry. Derry’s face is so complex. Anger, possessiveness, remorsefulness and gratitude morph into an agonized expression that could easily be mistaken for jealousy�"if I didn’t know better. The effect twists his gentle features into something alien and severe. He opens his mouth, but Becke unknowingly interrupts before he can speak. �śBut you wouldn’t really do it?” Becke insists, her thin brows pulling into a sharp �Śv ’. �śI mean, you wouldn’t really kill Mr. Creepy? Would you Gabriel?” Gabriel looks around the table, his response is careful. �śI don’t condone murder. But there are a lot of ways to exact justice. I’m not sure what I’ll do if Mr. Creepy tests me�"but I am positive I’ll protect Alex first and foremost. At any cost.” �śI could commit murder.” Derry’s right forearm unconsciously shields his left, pressing the abused limb against his chest as he speaks. �śTo protect someone I love.” �śMe too!” Jonah’s fist pounds the table in agreement. His halo darkens a shade and whips around him, making a complete revolution before settling. �śLet’s hope it never comes to that,” I interject, eager to stop all talk of taking another’s life. �śLet’s pray Mr. Creepy got Gabriel’s message loud and clear and believes it.” �śDo you think he’ll try to retaliate?” Derry asks. As he finishes his single sandwich, I slide him an Oreo and my grapes. He pops a grape into his mouth and makes a small face of indulgence. �śWhen�"not if�"Mr. Creepy retaliates,” Jonah confirms. �śIt won’t be obvious, or aimed at Gabriel. And probably not Alex either. He’ll probably go for Becke or Derrick.”� As he reasons aloud, his arm wraps around Becke’s waist pulling her closer. Kissing her cheek, he murmurs, �śDon’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to you, Babe.” �śNothing’s going to happen to any of us.” Gabriel’s face is severe and cryptic. �śBut we should still be on our guard.” Mr. Creepy’s class, however, is uneventful�"not only that day but for the whole rest of the week. Despite the inactivity, none of us are foolish enough to believe we’re off the hook. Even if we did, the random activity spikes in his halo indicate otherwise. The one good thing to come out of the Mr. Creepy confrontation is Gabriel and I clearing up the whole kissing thing. Now that my guardian has given in to his hormones, we spend much of the afternoon in the Fosters’ living room making up for lost time. In my old life, I never dreamed about boys�"much less having a boyfriend�"but now�Ś To be able to touch another person, to wrap my arms and my heart around him and know he’s mine is an amazing gift. It seems like an incredibly beautiful fairy tale. But even in my happiest moments, like when Gabriel’s lips are softly exploring mine, dark thoughts stir in the back of my mind. Angels falling; the ominous, unforeseen event warranting my guardian; Gabriel leaving�Ś I try to cling to the here and now, live in the happiness of the moment, but at the most unexpected of times I’m reminded many fairy tales end in tragedy. Unfortunately, I’ve seen too much darkness to make believe otherwise. Happily-ever-after is a myth. During one marathon make-out session, as Gabriel and I take a breather, our lips swollen from one another’s kisses, I can’t help but vocalize some of the things bothering me. �śAfter the incident with Mr. Creepy�"when you told me you were sorry�"I thought you were talking about crossing our boundaries.” Gabriel shakes his head back and forth, negating my words while confirming my mistaken assumption. �śWhat did you really mean?” He reaches for me, enveloping me in his strong embrace so my back’s cradled against the hard contours of his chest. �śI meant I was sorry for deceiving you�"for letting you believe I didn’t return your feelings�"for not confessing everything that was in my heart.” His voice drops. �śFor not telling you I love you.” My breath catches in my throat, as if the moment’s frozen in time. �śYou love me?” �śYes.” �śI love you, too.” When he chuckles, I twist in his arms to better see his face. �śWhat?” �śIt’s just, this is so unexpected.” �śFalling in love?” �śMy heart taking over. This isn’t supposed to happen.” Only Gabriel can take me to unexpected heights one second, and then send me plunging over the edge to splatter below the next.� His feelings for me are a complication making him weak and compromising his assignment. Biting at my lower lip, I feel the need to apologize. �śI’m so sorry.” �śDon’t say that. Don’t ever say that!” Placing his warm hand on my cheek, his fingertips smooth my furrows as he explains, �śLove’s a gift, a miracle. You’re my miracle, Alexia. �śI fought against it as hard as I could. I thought it was a loss of control�"but it’s not a loss of control. It’s a surrendering of control. So beautiful to lay yourself at the feet of another person, the person you love. I thought I understood�"but this, us, you are a revelation to me.” We kiss. Love, all-encompassing, the most exquisite joy and piercing agony, always one and the same, flattens me. The more my love grows�"and the happier I become�"the more I fear it being ripped away. It’s as if Gabriel and I have reached our pinnacle, and while we remain at the top�"for now�"balancing in perfect harmony, there’s nowhere to go but down. * Winter continues to taunt, dumping snow then taking it away, leaving a gray dirty slush behind. As the school year continues, Kendra remains MIA. Mr. Creepy deliberately ignores us, while we warily wait for retaliation. Gabriel and I continue to kiss and to love one another, exploring the heights of our relationship and doing our best not to talk about the unknown�"yet inevitable�"event looming in our future. By March, spring blesses the land with an early thaw. Flowers begin to bloom along our seven blocks, coaxed into life by the unseasonably warm sun. As I watch their tentative shoots growing into colorful buds, I reflect how this tease of weather is a cruel trick�"lulling them into false hope before devastating them by the frigid cold that’ll inevitably follow. And because their destruction is imminent�"I want to tell them not to be so trusting. But hope’s in their nature, resilience in their design. Even if the reappearance of winter decimates them, they’ll return the following year as vibrant as ever. In the life cycle of perennials, gone for now doesn’t mean gone for good. Like the flowers, the students of Midlands High have traded in their hoodies and jeans for t-shirts and shorts and the promise of changing seasons. A few of the more adventurous kids even sport flip-flops. Optimism permeates the school, and it’s easy to get sucked in�"to trust in the here and now�"and believe better days are coming. The cafeteria’s a buzzing hive of activity, everyone making plans to take advantage of the weather while it lasts. As I unpack my hearty lunch, half a loaded turkey sandwich, grapes, Pringles, and Vitamin Water, Becke declares, �śWe should do something over the break.” The following week is spring vacation, and although it promises a break from school, it also means a week without Derry. Turning to my best friend, I ask, �śAre you making any progress with the Eccles?” He grunts. �śNo! My stupid grades, I mean I’m getting �ŚB’s and �ŚC’s in practically everything except English. I got �ŚD’s on the last four assignments, and I’ve been working my ass off in that class.” Darkly, Jonah adds, �śI don’t think your grades have anything to do with the quality of your work. English is one of my best subjects and I’ve gone from �ŚA’s to �ŚC’s.” There are nods all around as we each vocalize our own drop in grades. When Becke says it’s clearly Mr. Creepy’s way of getting back at us, Jonah’s reply is grim. �śHe shouldn’t be able to get away with the crap he pulls. Eventually, somebody’s got to stop him.” �śLet’s dwell on brighter topics.” Becke rubs her hands together as her halo swirls, enveloping her in gossamer lemon chiffon. �śSo what should we do over break?” �śWell.” Gabriel pauses getting our attention. �śThere’s a concert next week, and my father wants to get tickets for me and my friends as a belated birthday gift.” �śWhat band?” He tells us, and I can’t help but squeal when he casually drops the name of one of my most favorite bands. �śReally?” �śYep.” �śNo way!” Even Jonah’s excited. �śAnd your dad’s just going to get us tickets?” �śNot just tickets,” Gabriel grins, clearly enjoying the moment. �śGood tickets.” He pauses to give me a playful wink. �śHe doesn’t do anything half way.” Becke frowns. �śI’m sorry we missed your birthday. When was it?” � �śI turned sixteen on the first day of the school year.” I almost laugh at his private joke, covering my chuckle at the last second with a cough. Not quite convinced, Becke clarifies, �śAnd this is a belated birthday present? School started eight months ago.” He just shrugs. �śIn that case, it’s a very belated present.” Before Becke can further pick apart his story, he inquires, �śSo five tickets?” �śFour.” Derry runs a hand over his shorn head. His face is so wistful I think my heart will break. �śYou know I can’t go, Gabe.”� Wanting to do something for him, however small, I slide my grapes toward him. It’s a lame gesture, but I don’t know what else to do. �śHere.” Glaring miserably at the fruit, he swallows loudly before pushing the bag back at me. �śNot hungry. I don’t want your charity, Lexi. Or your pity.” He jumps from the table and nearly runs from the room. Giving Gabriel and our friends a somber glance, I start to follow hoping they understand my need to go after him, alone. The long hall is empty when I get there�"confirming Derry’s holed up in the bathroom. It’s the same place I would hide. When he finally emerges, I corner him. �śWhat’s the matter with you? Is this about the concert?” �śNo. I’m just a little cranky today. That’s all.” Then his stomach growls so loudly it can probably be heard in the next state. His face flushes crimson as he mumbles, �śSorry.” �śYou said you weren’t hungry.” �śI’m fine.” �śAll you ever bring is one peanut butter sandwich. What did you eat for breakfast?” �śA bowl of cereal.” �śWhat about dinner last night.” He’s thinking about lying to me, I can see it in his eyes. Glaring, as if I can wrench the truth from him with my mind, I wait. He turns away looking down at the scuffed vinyl floor, but tells me the truth. �śI had a sandwich for dinner�"and before you ask, it was peanut butter.” �śWhen’s the last time they fed you anything other than cereal or a peanut butter sandwich?” Still staring at the ground he just shrugs. �śAt least they feed me, Lexi.” His words cut through my heart like a knife because I know what it has been like for him. �śCan you have more than one sandwich if you ask for more?” Derry shakes his head. �śMoney’s tight. They’ve got all these extra mouths to feed, and taking care of us costs more than the State pays them.” His words sound hollow, and I know he’s repeating what he’s been told on more than one occasion. I can also tell from his face he believes it. He doesn’t think he’s worth more. The knowledge wrenches my heart. �śThat’s such crap Derry! Do you have any idea how well the State pays them to take care of you? Plus with the free babysitting, hand-me-down-clothes, and limited meals of peanut butter sandwiches, they’re probably turning a nice little profit. But you don’t have to stay. You can talk to�"” �śJust stop, Lexi!” He folds his arms across his scrawny chest. �śI’m not talking to anyone, okay? It’s fine.” �śNo, it’s not! Your clothes don’t fit. They shave your head nearly bald and they’re not feeding you. You need to get�"” �śI need to be where you are, Lexi. Do you know how many foster homes I got myself kicked out of to get here? Seven. Please, don’t do anything to make them send me away. I’m begging you.” And I realize while my life has expanded to include a small circle of friends and family, Derry has only me. The plea in his eyes mirrors the one in his voice, as he implores, �śLet me stay where you are. Please?” �śOkay,” I nod, thinking furiously. �śBut you have to tell me if things get worse.” �śOkay.” �śPinky promise?” Lifting his little finger to mine, he declares, �śI pinky promise.” �śAnd you have to let me share my lunch with you.” As if in response to my condition, Derry stomach growls again. With a self-conscious grin he says, �śI guess I could do that�Ś As long as your offer includes Gabe’s Oreos.” * Just a few short days later, we’re officially on spring vacation, and while I should be excited, I’m too worried about Derry to focus on anything else. �śHere,” I order when Gabriel and I meet up with him after school, �śslip this into your bag.” Obediently, he does so. �śWhat is it?” �śProtein bars, nuts, jerky, and dried fruit. It should be enough to get you through the week.” Worried that raiding the Fosters’ panty will cause them to ask questions, most of the food has come from Gabriel. But I don’t tell Derry this for obvious reasons. �śThanks.” He gives me a total body bear hug that crushes my heart. �śHave fun at the concert. Take pictures.” With a last wistful look he walks away, a familiar and terrible pattern I’m helpless to break. Before I can give in to my despair, Gabriel takes me into his arms, uttering words meant to reassure me. A week suddenly feels like an eternity. Despite the slow, dragging break and my worrisome separation from Derry, I do manage to fill the time. Mostly with Gabriel. There’s a lot of kissing, a little television watching, more kissing, lots of listening to music, and�"well�"kissing. There’s also the concert. And I can hardly contain my excitement because I’ve never been to a concert before. Music’s a passion of mine. I mean I really love it, and this is my first live music experience unless you count the choirs which sang at the Center during the holidays. But they were haphazard and off key, as if charitable intentions excuse poor performance. It doesn’t come up, but somehow Gabriel knows how momentous this is for me. Is it a coincidence his �śmother” wanted to get us tickets to one of my favorite bands? Probably not. This is Gabriel’s way of doing something special in the indeterminate time we have together. My first live band�"together with him. The concert arena�"a stadium, really�"is huge! Bypassing the floor seats, we follow a yellow-shirted staff member to the VIP pit. Trading our tickets for little silver wristbands, we step right up to front and center, less than a foot from the stage. Looking at us, Gabriel grins, the kind of open-mouthed smile that broadens his full lips and teases his dimples. His halo is breathtaking in its brilliance. �śI hope you don’t mind standing,” he says with a modest shrug. �śAre you insane?” Jonah’s expression is part shock and part sarcasm, but underneath his sheer excitement’s obvious. His hair is freshly washed and he’s wearing a vintage Ramones t-shirt that looks great with his jeans and combat boots. �śThis is fantastic!” Becke practically bounces on her toes as Jonah takes her in his arms and kisses the top of her auburn head. In one of her trademark multicolored peasant skirts and a bright green top, she has a natural style that enhances the vibrancy of her hair and the emerald of her eyes. As Jonah holds her, her lemon halo seems to engulf both of them in a shimmery glow. Raising my camera, I capture them in this moment. Taking his cue from Jonah, Gabriel wraps his arms around me from behind. I feel his lips brush the top of my head as he asks, �śExcited?” Nestling against him, I angle my head to whisper in his ear. �śYou know I am. Thank you.” His unspoken reply is a soft, gentle kiss that goes on and on. The lights cut out. As I turn back toward the stage, Gabriel’s whisper fills the darkness. He murmurs, �śI love you.” The opening acts are pretty good, but they can’t compare to the headliner. When the band I’ve been waiting for walks on stage, I’m thankful for all the cameras and flashing stage lights because I have to shield my eyes against their blazing bright halos. �śWow! They’re really bright!” �śAren’t they?” The roar of the crowd drowns our conversation and we press our lips against one another’s ears to be heard. I’ve explained to Gabriel what I see, but it occurs to me I have no concept of how things appear to him. Being a Greater Seraph, I have no doubts he sees something amazing, miraculous even�"but what? �śDo you see what I see? Halos?” �śIt’s not exactly the same, more like an extra sense, more intuition or a strong conviction than sight. While you see colors and movement and have to put the pieces together, I instantly know whether people are good or evil, and to what degree. The more extreme, the more profoundly I am affected.” �śAffected how?” �śRighteous anger, rage, even ire�"an immediate gut reaction to protect the weak and shut the evil down. But with goodness, I feel awe, joy, even exultation that can be equally as powerful.” �śWhat about me?” In order to be heard, I’m pressed up against his warm cheek, without the luxury of gazing into his expressive eyes. When he answers, he pours all of his emotion into his voice, making it husky yet reverent. �śThe first time I laid eyes on you, Alexia, I thought�"I mean, I felt�"” He pulls back to stare at me for a moment, his bluer than blue eyes darkening as his pupils expand, his gaze so filled with heat that I’m certain I’ll melt. Then he presses his lips back against my ear, hard and close. �śYou were so beautiful I wanted to weep.” Exquisite chills tremble across my body. And I want to respond, overwhelmed as I am, but before I can form coherent thought, Gabriel continues, �śAnd each new morning you’re more beautiful than the day before.” Gently repositioning me, he teases, �śYou’re missing the concert.” Grateful for the time to process, I turn back to the blinding brilliance of the stage. The lead singer stands right in front of me, close enough to touch. I let my thoughts tumble as he pulls me into his voice, and sings one of my favorite songs. A slow tugging ballad about the agony of happiness. * We’re standing on the sidewalk in front of the Fosters’�"basking in the afterglow of the concert, and each other�"when a tiny question wiggles its way up from my subconscious until I have to ask, �śThat day�"when I was going to leave�"why did I have to tell you my secret first?” �śGuardians aren’t supposed to reveal their true identity.” �śLike Superman?” He laughs. �śSort of. Only in the most extreme circumstances can we reveal our divine nature.” �śI was an extreme circumstance?” He rests his chin on my head until he’s speaking into my hair. �śYou were a necessity. I wanted to tell you that first day. When I look into your beautiful eyes, I want to tell you everything.” Suddenly, I get why he’s talking to the top of my head�"rather than my face�"and pull back to force him to look at me. �śThen why don’t you?” Sighing, he gives his head a small shake. �śIt doesn’t work that way. Part of the power of your gift lies in self-discovery, and if I tell you your destiny, it undermines your ability to choose your path. It would be like a princess accepting the monarchy because she’s always been told it’s her fate, not because she’s ready to rule and wants to do so.” I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off with another shake of his head. �śTelling you about your destiny takes away your free choice.” The curtains behind the living room window ruffle as someone�"Kate or Steven�"checks on us. Not wanting our conversation to be cut short, I talk fast. �śBut how can I make a choice without all the information?” �śWhen the time comes, you’ll have everything you need.” Great! Gabriel sounds like a Magic 8 Ball! Frustrated by his cryptic response, I demand, �śAnd what if I choose not to believe in the Gifts of the Saints? What if I don’t embrace my destiny? Ever?” �śSome don’t,” he replies, his face is deliberately neutral but I sense the disapproval underneath. �śThat’s always an option open to you. You should talk with Kate and Nana Kransky again.” Sometimes, I catch Kate staring at me. It’s as if she’s waiting for me to suddenly be okay that I have supernatural abilities. Gabriel’s waiting too�"holding all the answers and never saying a thing. �śHow many times do I have to tell you I’m not ready to talk about this stuff? I just want to be a normal teenager. Can’t I have that please?” � �śAlexia�"” He reaches for me and I feel like a child being placated. �śJust stop. It’s fine�"really.” �śNo, it’s not. You’re upset.” Despite my words, I can’t seem to let it go. �śIt’s just�"” �śWhat?” �śHow are you supposed to prepare me for my destiny by withholding all the pertinent information?” �śI’m not withholding everything.” �śOf course not, you’re my guardian angel and you’re assigned to protect me. That about cover it? Let me ask you, does my knowing who you are change anything? Will it change this terrible event that hangs over our future?” �śNo.” The doorknob rattles as whichever Foster is on the other side gets tired of waiting for me. I lean into Gabriel, urgently hissing, �śWill it make it any easier to go on after you leave?” The door begins to open, and I step back, barely catching his quiet answer. �śProbably not.” I get in one final question before Steven steps onto the porch, ushering me inside. It hangs over us, unanswered, as we say our goodnights under my foster father’s watchful eyes. Carrying it with me as I brush my teeth and slip into bed, the question reverberates on a loop until it becomes insurmountable in my mind. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same for Gabriel, or if he knows the answer to this too. �śThen what’s the point of it all?” � � CHAPTER 14 There’s a loud banging in my head that won’t stop. After what seems like forever, the sound diminishes but is still persistently annoying enough that I follow it through the Fosters’ house. Staggering to the front door, I fumble with the lock before throwing it wide as a delicious blast of cool air washes over me. Gabriel stands on the other side, filling my vision. Something causes him to frown. I try to focus as he sways unsteadily in front of me�"or maybe I’m the one off-kilter. �śWhat’re you doing here?” I ask. �śPicking you up for school.” �śOn Saturday?” The thought’s so funny I would laugh out loud�Ś if I wasn’t so tired. �śIt’s Monday.” Despite the gentleness in his voice, his eyes are severe. They roam over my face in obvious alarm. �śOh. I must’ve been dreaming it was the weekend.” Still trying to wrap my mind around the fact it’s a school day, I step back so Gabriel can come inside. �śWhat time is it?” �śLate.” �śHow late?” �śLate enough that I stopped waiting and knocked.” �śOkay. Let me just get dressed.” I turn to go, but Gabriel stops me by gently holding me in place by my shoulders. �śNo.” �śYou don’t want me to get dressed?’ There’s a playful innuendo in the idea, but I can’t keep hold of it. Shaking his head, he lays a cool hand against my cheek. I watch his lips thin as he exclaims, �śYou’re burning up! The only place you’re going is back to bed.” �śFine by me,” I reply managing a lame chuckle, �śsince it’s Saturday.” I turn to stare at him, my face pinching as I throw my hand up to shield myself from the light of his halo. �śHey, could you dial it down a bit?” Instead of complying, he seems to grow brighter as he fixes his hands on his hips. �śBed,” he orders. �śNow!” �śOkay.” Suddenly my bedroom seems very far away and the hallway impossibly long. �śI think I’m just gonna rest first.” Leaning against the wall, I let gravity work for me as I start a slow slide to the floor. But before I can hit bottom, Gabriel’s strong arms catch me and lift me up. Then I’m off the ground altogether, cradled against his chest. Letting my head come to rest against his shoulder, I ask, �śAre you a dream?” His left brow quirks as he bites back a smile. �śWhy do you ask?” �śBecause this is just like I dreamed, only you were shirtless.” The image is a familiar one�"reoccurring numerous times in my dreams over the last several months�"Gabriel, bare-chested, carrying me into my bedroom. On this occasion, however, imagining his lack of attire makes him seem cold�"like he could use a warm, fuzzy blanket. Shivering, I squint up at Gabriel. �śYou’re not a dream are you?” �śNope.” Clearly, my shirtless comment has gone to his head. Eyes twinkling, he tips his smiling face to my forehead and gives me a gentle kiss. �śOh crap!” Embarrassment causes the blood to rush to my already hot face. As I close my eyes, I hope this is�"in fact�"a dream. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate. �śShhh. I think it’s nice you dream about me sometimes. I dream about you, too.” As he deposits me in the center of my bed, burying me beneath a pile of thick blankets, I try to file away his dream confession so I can interrogate him later. The effort of willing myself to remember causes my forehead to scrunch. Kissing the puckers in my brow, Gabriel says, �śYou rest, now.” Already, I can feel myself forgetting what I willed myself to remember. I can’t seem to concentrate and am unable to filter my thoughts�"uttering whatever pops into my mind. Flip-flopping between boiling hot and freezing, I realize I feel awful. �śGabriel?” �śYes, Alexia?” �śI think I’m sick.” �śSleep.” �śWait!” It comes out as a mumble despite my sense of urgency, and I fight the pull of sleep to speak. �śDon’t leave me.” Gabriel sits on the side of my bed and runs a cool hand down my cheek. �śI’m not going anywhere.” �śEver!” Agony flickers in his eyes, but all he says is, �śShhh�Ś sleep.” Later, when I’m more coherent but feeling worse�"like walking death�"I pull my hair into a sloppy ponytail and go looking for my guardian angel. I find him fussing in the kitchen over piles of vegetables and a simmering pot of yellow liquid that looks fragrant despite my lack of smell. In addition to wearing his shirt�"which proves unequivocally I’m awake and not dreaming�"he has donned Kate’s flirty, red Kiss the Cook apron. Grateful I took the time to brush my teeth while in the bathroom, I shuffle over to him and lightly brush his cheek with my lips. �śWhat’re you doing there?” I inquire watching him expertly add vegetables to the pot. The expression on his face clearly says, �śSee I told you I wouldn’t leave.” He says, �śMaking you chicken soup.” Such a simple, silly little gesture, yet�"I’ve never had anyone give me chicken soup when I was sick, homemade or otherwise. �śYou’re the best boyfriend ever,” I tell him as I lean in for another kiss. �śI didn’t even know you could cook.” And even though I’ve got no appetite, I vow to gobble up every spoonful he serves me. Idly, I wonder where Kate and Steven are before remembering today’s not Saturday but Monday. A day of work and school for much of the world. And Gabriel’s in their kitchen, cooking, rather than sitting in our classes at Midlands High. �śYou skipped school?” Chagrined, he raises and drops his shoulders in a quick, elegant shrug. �śPersonal day.” �śBecause of me?” Nodding his head up and down, he expertly adds salt and pepper to the boiling pot before explaining, �śThe only reason I’m at Midlands is because you’re there. If I went to school and you stayed home sick, I’d just worry all day. I mean, I’d know if you were in serious danger or anything, but I wouldn’t be able to take a deep breath until I was with you.” �śThat’s sweet.” Feebly, I collapse in a nearby chair, watching as Gabriel pours me a glass of orange juice, ordering, �śDrink this. Then, I want you to rest until the soup’s ready.” One of the benefits of being sick, besides being doted on my boyfriend, is being able to avoid any discussion of gifts from Saints and destinies. I guess being sick has an upside. When Kate gets home, she finds me snuggled on the couch wrapped in several blankets, including an angelic, human one. Typically, at the sound of the doorknob, Gabriel would scoot a prudent distance away�"but not today. Today, he holds me tighter. Seeing us huddled together, Kate arches a thin eyebrow in surprise. Before she’s able to vocalize her questions, Gabriel softly says, �śShe’s sick.” Trying to be helpful, I murmur, �śGabriel made soup.” With an appreciative huff, Kate produces a thermometer and takes my temperature. Satisfied I’m not in mortal peril, she goes about her business, occasionally peeking in on us with a grin. After sampling Gabriel’s soup, I suspect he could do almost anything and she would smile approvingly. Kate’s husband, however, is another matter entirely. When Steven sees us intertwined, his face transforms into a scowl that’s kind of fatherly and completely scary. And I want to react to his expression, to disentangle myself from my boyfriend, but even thinking about moving is exhausting. Quietly Kate slips up to Steven’s side and grasps his hand. �śAlex is sick,” she explains. Without taking his eyes off Gabriel, he replies, �śThen Alex needs to rest.” By way of explanation Kate adds, �śGabriel made her soup.” That stops Steven in his tracks. He does a double take at Kate, who reprimands him with her eyes, before turning back to us. �śIt’s � time for Gabriel to go home. Alex can see him at school tomorrow. If she’s feeling well enough to return.” Although I don’t want my human blanket to go, Steven leaves no room for arguments�"not that I have strength to argue anyway. With a chaste peck on the cheek, Gabriel whispers, �śI’ll see you in the morning. Feel better.” Then he’s gone. But he returns later, beautiful and shirtless, in my dreams. * The next morning Gabriel, completely clothed and as gorgeous as ever, is already waiting on the front porch, despite the fact I’m early. He gives me a light but electric kiss before checking me over from head to toe. Once he’s satisfied I’m actually improved, he takes my bag and my hand, walking at a slower pace than usual. Not that I mind. I’m still feeling a bit fatigued, but staying in the house all day would make me crazy. Plus, I haven’t seen Derry since before spring break. When I missed school the previous day, Gabriel texted Becke to tell Derry I was ill, so he wouldn’t worry. But I know he’ll feel better when he sees me for himself. Just like I’ll feel better when I see him. When we get to school, however, Derry isn’t there. I wait for him in the courtyard until the final bell. When he doesn’t appear, a small part of me wants to doubt he was ever at Midlands at all. Even though the thought is ridiculous�"an exaggerated byproduct of worry�"it still bothers me. A lot. � According to Jonah and Becke, Derry wasn’t feeling well yesterday either. By English class when he’s still a no show, I decide to bring him some of Gabriel’s healing soup. It doesn’t matter what the Eccles think�"or whether they’ll be angry�"Derry has no one to take care of him, except for me. And today he’s not here to talk me out of going to see him. Which is precisely the problem. About ninety minutes after school�"with soup in a disposable container, the latest Dark Wolverine comic in a brown paper bag, Mapquest directions in hand, and Gabriel at my side�"I walk up the short drive to the Eccles home. Their tiny square yard is bordered by a three foot chain-link fence and overrun with what Kate would call �ślawn-tackies.” Birdbaths, lawn balls, statues of Snow White and the seven dwarves, fairies, garden gnomes, wind chimes, ceramic woodland creatures, and the Virgin Mary in a vertical half-bathtub are crammed haphazardly into the Eccles’ yard. The cracked, weed-infested cement walk leads us past the overstuffed yard to a peeling, dirty-white structure that could doubtfully house four�"let alone twelve�"comfortably. With growing dread, I pause to check the address on my directions. Frowning at Gabriel, whose grim countenance mirrors my own, I say, �śThis is it.” As I start to move forward, he places a gentle hand on my arm and asks, �śWould you like me to go first?” Derry’s my responsibility, my family, so I wave him off with a small shake of my head and close the gap to the sagging front screen that covers the door.� Keeping my courage up, I press the broken doorbell and then cringe at the garbled result. Gabriel’s hand rests warmly at the small of my back, in a tiny but needed show of support as we wait. The door opens to reveal a dingy hallway and a pudgy faced boy of seven or eight. His small eyes narrow suspiciously, as he stares at us through the dilapidated screen, taking in our appearance and the presents clutched in our hands. His halo is the color of chrome, darker than I would typically expect for a child. �śWhatcha want?” He mumbles. Finding my voice, I swallow down my discomfort and adopt a pleasant tone. �śWe’re here to see Derry. We’re friends of his.” The boy scowls in response. �śHe don’t got no friends.” Rather than fight with a child, I smile by best, brightest smile. �śCan we see him, please?” �śCan’t.” The boy starts to shut the door on us, causing my already fast-beating heart to leap into hyper-adrenaline mode. �śIs your mom or dad home?” Pausing, the sullen boy tilts his head to scrutinize us at a weird angle. �śYah.” When he shows no signs of any further action, I ask, �śCan we please speak to one of your parents?” Considering my request, something flickers behind his churlish eyes. Surprised, I realize it’s the perverse anticipation of what will come next. As if confirming his maliciousness, the boy’s halo darkens, rising in a shiftless swirl as he yells, �śMa!” The woman who responds to the boy’s summons is of indeterminate age. She might have been pretty once, but excessive bleaching, perming and tanning make it impossible to tell for sure. When she sees us, her heavily made up face�"two full shades lighter than her orange-colored skin�"furrows into a glare. Her pockmarked halo is flimsy with the variances of old, stained gravel. �śWho’re you?” she demands. �śFriends of Derry’s,” I explain, doing my best to keep the pleasantness in my voice despite my instant dislike of the woman before me. �śWe brought him some soup.” Her flat eyes give us a once over. �śHe can’t have no friends over.” Sensing my growing tension, Gabriel lightly brushes my back with his hand. Diplomatically he explains, �śWe just came to bring him some food and a comic book. We don’t intend to stay.” Turning her attention to Gabriel, the woman’s eyes widen with alarm. He’s too perfect�"too well dressed, too gorgeous and too good�"for her to see him as anything but trouble. He’s a symbol of everything lacking in her own miserable life. She stiffens, shifting her gaze back to me. �śWell, he’s too sick to come out and ya’ll can’t come in. If you want, you can leave the stuff and Earl Junior’ll see Derrick gets it.” Her son�"presumably Earl Junior�"who has been hovering in the hall, regards the comic with shiny, covetous eyes. Raising myself up to my full height and matching her stiffness, I enunciate through my clenched jaw, �śI’d rather give these things to him personally.” She purses her thin coral lips into a petulant twist of color as she shrinks away from my challenge. �śLook. Y’all best get out of here before Earl Senior gets home. You don’t want to get your friend into more trouble do you?” My heart hitches painfully at her words, my anger propelling me a step forward. �śWhat do you mean �Śmore trouble’?” �śNothing.” Mrs. Eccles snaps her lips shut refusing to say more, and fearing she’s already said too much. �śHe jus’ don’t listen is all,” adds the moon-faced boy at her back. �śDaddy says he’s stupid and he’s gonna get it one of these days.” �śShut up, E.J.!” She hisses a warning at him, but the boy stares at her, contempt in his piggish eyes. He scowls at his mother like she’s some worthless piece of garbage, to be used and discarded at will. I see it then�"the purple-black bruise under her left eye her makeup tries desperately to conceal. Like a puzzle, the pieces shift into place�"the petty indolent child, the woman’s surliness, hidden bruises, lives spent in fear of violence�"classic victims. The only respite from their miserable lives is taking out their impotence on those weaker and more helpless than them�"those like Derry. Pressing my advantage, I take another step forward and nod toward the left side of her face. �śWhat’s wrong with your cheek?” �śNothing.” Her eyes contract into hard, little slits like a snake. Slowly she reaches for the knob, tensing to close the door. �śYou’d best be going now.” I move again, wedging my foot into the doorjamb. �śYou take me to him, this instant.” �śI don’t think so.” The hardness in her face makes it apparent I’m no threat when compared to Earl Senior. She slowly closes the door, the amount of pressure against my foot merely a warning, not enough to crush. �śNow get gone before I turn the dog on you.” With a swift kick, she knocks my foot back, slamming the door, in my face. �śLet it go Alexia.” Gabriel’s voice is soothing in my ear but I don’t want to be soothed. I want to beat the door down�"storm the castle with my sword and shield�"to singlehandedly save my best friend. But my weapons are soup and a comic book. And the reality is, I can only make things worse for Derry. Gabriel gently leads me away, but I vow it isn’t over. Not for me. Not by a long shot. As we make the long, miserable walk back to the Fosters’, my frustration builds with each step until it is a giant monster on my back. Kate and Steven are already home by the time we get there, so Gabriel stops at the porch. He says something meant to be reassuring. Giving me a light kiss, he wishes me a good night before parting. As if! I’m too pissed to care if the Fosters found my detailed note. Or if they’re mad at me for getting home so late. When Kate calls me into the dining room, I reluctantly comply. Stomping though the house, I collapse at the table with a small huff. Kate’s champagne halo bubbles around her as she tries not to be overly nosy. She sneaks a peek at Steven before asking, �śIs Derry okay?” Although she’s trying to be supportive and is in no way responsible, I explode. �śI wouldn’t know. I didn’t get to see him.” Steven opens his mouth, surely to reprimand me for my tone, but before he can get a word out, Kate holds up a hand stopping his lecture. Even though she has every right to be offended, she displays nothing but sympathy as she asks, �śWhat happened, Alex?” I tell them everything. The small, crappy house and nasty little boy with the covetous eyes. The way Mrs. Eccles shut me down. When I get to the part about the bruise and my suspicions of domestic violence, Steven rebuffs me, �śI’m sure you misinterpreted what you were seeing, Alex.” In the face of his disbelief, my strained, simmering emotions boil over. �śWhy, because people don’t actually beat the crap out of their loved ones?” �śNo,” he counters calmly, �śbecause there are safeguards in place for foster children. Screenings the Eccles would need to pass.” �śMaybe they’re just good manipulators. They’ve certainly manipulated Derry into covering for them.” With as much kindness as she possesses, Kate gently offers, �śThere’s got to be some other explanation.” �śBut that’s not all! They never let him go anywhere, or even talk on the phone. He’s forced to shave his head and he didn’t even have proper winter clothes until Gabriel and I got them for him. And they don’t feed him enough. I’ve been sneaking him food because he’s getting so skinny. He’s like a walking skeleton. �śThe Eccles make him responsible for other foster kids. Derry helps them with their homework, makes them a peanut butter sandwich for dinner�"that’s all they get, one peanut butter sandwich�"and gets them to bed. Every single night. It’s total crap! Every night the Eccles go out while Derry’s forced to babysit for free. On top of that, they’re always threatening to dump him back at The Children’s Center. Derry’s terrified of being sent away, and they use his fear to control him.” After my tirade is finished Kate says, �śWell that explains about the missing food.” �śSorry.” My apology sounds hollow and halfhearted. �śDon’t be, Alex. You were doing the right thing. If Derry really is in trouble�Ś” She stops to stare pleadingly at Steven with her empathetic, big brown eyes. Too good to be impervious, Steven can’t resist his wife’s distress. Standing, he digs in his pocket for his keys. �śFine. I’ll go over there and talk to the Eccles to clear this up. I’ll personally check on Derrick and see how he’s doing.” Before I realize what I’m doing, I throw my arms around Steven’s neck and thank him a half dozen times. Then, I hand him the directions and a bag with the soup and comic. With assurances everything will be fine, he leaves. Once he’s gone Kate and I settle in front of the television, staring at some reality show neither one of us can pay attention to, and resign ourselves to wait for his return. We wait a lot longer than expected. When Steven returns, he’s angrier than I’ve ever seen him. He bangs into the house leaving the front door wide open. Kate and I both jump to our feet speaking over one another. �śWell?” �śDid you see Derry? Is he all right?” For a second Steven looks as if he needs an outlet for his fury and might punch the wall, but instead he takes a deep breath and lets it out in an unsteady whoosh. Wordlessly, he indicates the open door with a sweep of his hand. At first there’s nothing�"then a bustling sound. Derry tentatively pokes his head into the house, smiling a wan smile. �śHey, Lexi.” �śDerrick will be staying with us for the time being. Until we can get things sorted out.” Steven glances at Kate, mindful of surprising her. �śI hope you don’t mind.” �śOf course not. Come on in, Derrick. Our home is your home.” She leads him forward. He’s wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a plain white t-shirt. Clutched in his hand is my digital picture frame and Gabriel’s duffel is slung over his shoulder. �śWe heard you were sick. How are you feeling?” �śFine, Ma’am.” Kate lifts her eyebrows in response. Under her silent scrutiny, he admits, �śA little tired, I guess.” Steven takes Derry’s duffel as Kate leads him to the couch. �śWell, you just rest while we make up the guest room. I hope you don’t mind sharing a bathroom with Alex.” Despite his fatigue Derry’s eyes are alight with joy. �śA bathroom, huh?” He winks at me. �śNot really, considering I’ve been sharing a room with four other boys and sleeping on the floor.” Unable to check our reactions, Kate and I turn to Steven who presses his lips together, blanching them into white lines. �śHe was sleeping on one of those foam chairs that fold out into a bed�"you know�"like the kids use in college.” �śOh.” Kate’s disapproval mirrors her husbands, making her appear severe. Visibly shaking off her reaction, she gives Derry a kind smile. �śI’ll go get your room ready.” �śThanks, Ma’am.” Halfway out the door, she turns back to him. �śDerrick, if you’re going to be living with us, then please call me Kate.” She exits with Steven tight on her heels. Once we’re alone, Derry sags back against the couch while I try to get a grip on my emotions. Relief at seeing him, anger at the Eccles, the pain of knowing what my best friend has gone though, and joy that he’s landed here all fight for dominance in my head. Reeling with shock, I just stare, drinking him in like a cold glass of water for my parched soul. His saffron halo dances around him, and although his eyes are closed, his mouth suddenly breaks into a huge grin of awareness. �śDid Kate just say I live here now? With you?” My own lips contort into a smile wide enough to match his. �śIt certainly seems that way.” * The next morning Derry seems much improved. He’s dressed and finishing a plate of eggs when I stumble into the kitchen. �śMorning, Lexi,” he chirps. �śKate made breakfast. And packed us lunches.” He slides me a plate while I try to shake off the cobwebs of a fretful sleep. �śWhy are you so happy?” Instead of answering, he counters with a question of his own. �śWhy are you so grumpy?” Shrugging, I try to articulate the swirling thoughts and emotions that have plagued me since Derry’s unexpected arrival. The best I can come up with is, �śLast night was a lot.” Taking a sip of�"is that coffee?�"he asks carefully, �śAre you sorry I’m here?” �śNo!” Shaking my head to clear it, I try again to explain. �śI was just so angry at what you’d gone through. Hurting for you, mad at myself, feeling like I’d let you down.” �śPlease don’t beat yourself up, Lexi. None of it matters now. Don’t you see? That’s why I’m so happy�"because we’re finally together again.” I expect him to elaborate but he doesn’t. After breakfast, I hurry to dress and fix my hair. I’m running a few minutes late and can almost feel Gabriel on the porch waiting. Finally ready, I step outside searching for his heartbreakingly beautiful face amidst the white glow of his halo. His smile is stunning as he greets me with a simple �śGood morning.” He gives me a small kiss tasting of peppermint and I’m enveloped in his fragrance of pine and wood smoke as he takes my backpack, hefting it over his shoulder. The front door is wide open, and before I can explain, Derry steps out thrusting his bag into Gabriel’s open arms. With a wry smile he declares, �śI’m not kissing you, Gabe.” �śDerry!” I elbow him in the ribs for his audacity. �śSorry. I just thought it was part of your boyfriend’s concierge service.” Snatching the bag out of Gabriel’s arms and thrusting it back at him, I retort, �śIt’s not.” �śJeez, Lexi. Just a joke.” Gabriel furrows his left brow as he waits for an explanation. �śOh yeah, Gabe, I live here now�"with Lexi. Yep, Lexi and I share a bathroom.” This time I don’t check my elbow as it jabs into his scrawny chest. �śDerrick, that’s enough!” Even doubled over in pain, he still manages to ask, �śSo I shouldn’t mention the pajama parties?” Pushing Derry aside to talk to Gabriel, I peer into my boyfriend’s understanding, blue eyes, explaining, �śSteven went to talk to Derry’s foster parents last night. Apparently, it didn’t go any better for him than it did for us. Although I don’t have all the details yet, Derry’s staying here until we can get things sorted out.” �śCorrection,” Derry interrupts smugly, �śKate said I live here now.” Over my head, Gabriel meets Derrick’s eyes. �śI’m glad you’re out of that awful place and with Lexi. She loves you.” I’m floored with how easily Gabriel gets it. Gets me. More than I even understand myself. No petty jealousy, no power struggles, just warm acceptance. �śI love you both,” I clarify. It feels good to say so. Neither boy responds. Something serious passes between them, an unspoken communication heavy with implications�"then gone before I can question it. Vanished like a dust mote floating through a beam of sunlight. Before I have time to process my impression, Gabriel kisses the back of my hand and leads me down our seven blocks. He does his best to distract me with idle conversation about trivial things, while Derry trails quietly behind. CHAPTER 15 Navigating my way through the cafeteria with Gabriel, I do my best, like always, to block out the mind-numbing chatter swirling around us. The truth is I could care less what’s being said. But when Naomi’s gossipy voice pierces my protective bubble, I can’t help but overhear, �śDid you hear the skinhead is living with Alex?” At first, this means nothing. But as I glance her way, and catch her sidelong sneer, I realize she’s talking about me. And if I’m Alex, then �Śthe skinhead’ must be Derry. Dropping my bag on the floor with a thud, I sit next to my best friend demanding, �śHow long has Naomi been calling you �Śthe skinhead’?” Unconcerned, Derry shrugs. He slips his hand over mine and squeezes reassuringly. �śSince my first day, I guess. Just ignore her. I do.” �śYou should’ve said something.” �śWhy? So you can fight my battles for me?” He unpacks the huge lunch Kate has made him: two sandwiches, Pringles, a cereal bar, an orange, a drink, and a giant brownie. Eating the brownie first, he continues between bites, �śI don’t care what she says. She could call me a scruffy nerf herder and it wouldn’t matter. Because she doesn’t matter. And if it doesn’t matter to me then it shouldn’t matter to you.” �śBut�"” �śJust let it go Lexi.” He waives his hand dismissively, his shirt urging me toward the dark side with the promise of cookies. �śI don’t know,” Jonah muses in the wake of our outburst, trying to diffuse the tension. �śI can think of a lot worse things than skinhead. You should get in her face and yell �ŚAN�"AR�"CHY!’.” He shrugs. �śSelf-fulfilling prophecy.” I agree with Jonah, thinking about how I’d like to make Naomi a skinhead. �śI certainly feel a hate crime coming on.” Derry’s shoulder bumps against mine in a gentle warning. �śLexi�"” �śFine!” Just because I stop talking about it doesn’t mean I’ve got to let it go. Because it’s one thing for Naomi to pick on me, but Derry’s another matter entirely. Later when Coach Mann has us playing volleyball, I �śaccidentally” spike the ball at Naomi’s head, even though she’s on my team. My lack of control sends her to the nurse with a bloody nose�"which I would feel positively smug about if it wasn’t for Gabriel’s undisguised disappointment. Before he can say anything, I slink into the sanctuary of the girls’ locker room. After school when we meet in the hallway, he’s still radiating quiet disapproval. I can’t quite face him as I shrug, muttering, �śWhat? The ball got away from me.” He leans in, but instead of kissing me, he stops a fraction of an inch from my face and whispers, �śYou’re better than that.” His words, like a verbal slap, cause me to flinch. Not expecting his reprimand, the bottom falls out of my stomach and my chest tightens with something akin to betrayal. Stepping back, I retort, �śI guess we all can’t be perfect angels, like you.” �śAlex, I didn’t�"” His eyes turn compassionate as he reaches for me. Too hurt to care about his feelings, I snap, �śDon’t touch me!” Spinning on my heels, I charge out into the courtyard to find Derry. When I reach him, I link my arm through his and say, �śLet’s go.” Derry has no choice but to move with me or be dragged, but he cranes his head to glance quizzically back at Gabriel. As if sensing my need for a distraction, he begins talking music; new bands, new downloads, the best screamers, and the upcoming From Autumn to Ashes release. �śIn fact,” he says, enthusiastically, �śwe should check out the music store across the street and see if they’ve got any of the early CDs.” Glancing at the used music store with the green awning, my stomach begins to knot. Fear chases my anger, scraping my insides raw. Just thinking about returning to that store causes panic to crawl up my spine. Struggling to drag air into my lungs, I lean forward as spots dance in front of my eyes. �śLexi, are you okay?” Feeling the color draining from my face, I hear the concern in Derry’s voice but am unable to reply, or do anything other than hyperventilate. I shut my eyes to stop the nausea. �śShe had a panic attack in there a couple of months back.” Gabriel’s at my side, his warm hand softly stroking my back. �śIt’s really claustrophobic in there.” �śOh.” Derry frowns as he tries to accept Gabriel’s explanation. Peering at me with sharp eyes, he adds, �śI didn’t know you had panic attacks.” Since I can’t bear lying to him, I cryptically explain, �śSometimes. Especially when it’s dark and closed in�Ś It just feels�Ś” �śEvil?” � Derry’s description surprises me and I open my eyes to regard him as I straighten. We’ve never discussed matters of good and evil or my curse. Eyebrows raised in expectancy, he waits for my agreement. �śSomething like that.” For a moment he just stares, as if there’s more he would like to say�"much more. Then rubbing his bristly, head he stares far off into the distance. �śI feel that way sometimes too. I think most kids do. Right, Gabe?” �śProbably,” Gabriel concedes. His voice is carefully neutral. �śWell, do you guys mind if I go?” Derry looks from Gabriel to me. �śI’ll catch up with you at the Fosters’. Besides, I get the feeling Gabe has some apologizing to do.” Flashing a final smile at Gabriel, he chuckles. �śGood luck with that, dude.” I watch Derry cross the street, waiting for him to disappear into the music store before speaking. �śYou don’t have to jump to my rescue over every little thing!” I feel a small charge of satisfaction as Gabriel’s eyes widen in surprise. �śMost people would just say �Śthank you’,” he replies icily. Hands on my hip, I plant my feet and stare at him challengingly. �śScrew most people! I’m the destiny of mankind or some bull crap. I would be more specific�"but unfortunately�"I can’t.” �śFor someone in denial, you sure seem to be giving this a lot of thought.” I want to slap the smugness right off his perfect face. �śStop changing the subject.” �śOh, so you’re the only one allowed to deflect? This isn’t about my jumping to your rescue. This is about gym class.” I surprise both of us by admitting, �śYes.” �śI’m sorry.” Gabriel captures my chin. His soul-searching eyes begin to work their magic on me. �śHow long are you going to be mad at me?” Although some the fury has leeched from my anger, I’m still resistant. �śWhy?” �śBecause I figure we’ve got about forty minutes to make up before Derry catches up with us.” A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. His eyes are full of unspoken meaning almost too enticing to resist. One of the few drawbacks�"maybe the only one�"of Derry living with me is my alone time with my boyfriend has suffered in a huge way. His offer’s very tempting, but I can’t quite forgive him. �śYou hurt me.” Pulling me closer until we’re merely a hairsbreadth apart, he apologizes. �śI’m sorry, Alexia. My intent wasn’t to cause you pain. It’s just that�"” �śWhat?” �śYou’re so much better than Naomi. She’ll always feed off those more miserable than herself, but you have a huge and glorious destiny before you. It’s hard to watch you act petty�"” Lowering my eyes from his, I drop my head to stare at the ground in shame. Silently, he lifts my chin until we are again sharing breath. �śIt’s hard to watch because I love you.” And while I’m mad, on a deeper and more mature level, I understand. Because it’s how I feel about Derry. I want him to rise above all the petty crap and become the truly exceptional human being he has the potential to be. That I’m similar to the Gabriel that’s not my boyfriend, but my protector, is startling. Maybe Seraphs and humans have more in common than we�"in our finite perspective�"could ever imagine. Gabriel presses his forehead to mine. �śWhat’re you thinking, Alexia?” When I tell him, he rewards me with a radiant smile. �śI love you�"and I can’t say it enough. I love you.” �śI love you, too.” His heavenly eyes sparkle with excitement. �śSo,” he whispers, the timbre of his deep voice more ragged than normal as his lips hover over mine, �ścan we start making up now?” * �śI’m not hurting you, am I?” Turning my attention to Derry’s rigid hand, his fingers interlaced through mine and clutching me as if his very survival depends upon it, I shrug. �śI don’t mind the pain.” At least if he’s clutching me, he’s not cradling his scarred arm. We’re sitting on a plain wooden bench in the hallway outside the judge’s chambers for the Campbell County Municipal Court. Gabriel’s somewhere nearby, but since there isn’t a good excuse for why he would be skipping school or be at the courthouse, he keeps a prudent distance. This is Derry’s final custody hearing. The Fosters got a lawyer, the day after Steven liberated him from the Eccles and before the police showed up demanding we give Derry back. He doesn’t look like much�"longish hair worn in a ponytail, scraggly goatee covering his pointy chin, tape on the bridge of his glasses�"but Mr. Dunning knows the custodial system, and he’s good, both skilled in the law and surrounded by a sunshiny halo. Amazingly, he managed to stall both the police and Social Services, as well as get temporary custody granted to the Fosters all in the space of three hours. Now more than five weeks later, we’re at the final hearing, which will determine where Derry will reside. If we get to keep him. When the door opens, not the main one leading into the courtroom but the more discreet one that goes right into the judge’s private chambers, both Derry and I jump to our feet. A short, stocky bailiff smiles kindly in our direction. �śJudge Rettferd wants to speak to you now, Mr. Williams.” Our lawyer warned us this would probably happen. Derry’s old enough that the judge wants to hear what he has to say�"both about his experiences with the Eccles and where he would prefer to reside. Upon our arrival, Mr. Dunning gave him a pep talk. �śAll you have to do, Derrick, is to tell the truth. And trust that the system works for the benefit of those who need it.” Easier said than done, especially for those who’ve repeatedly experienced �śthe system” failing us. Forsaking his usual t-shirts, Derry has dressed for the occasion wearing new khakis and a pale blue shirt with a matching tie. His dark brown hair has begun to grow out in uneven tufts, and for now it’s styled into a chaotic mess of tiny peaks. For a minute, he looks at me, scared. He tucks his left arm against his body covering it defensively with his right before he notices what he’s doing. Forcing both arms to drop at his sides, he turns resolutely toward the bailiff. But I can’t let him go without throwing my arms around him and whispering assurances into his ear. When I finally release him, all the doubt in his eyes has been replaced by conviction, which cause the gold flecks in his eyes to shine. With a wink, he says, �śThanks,” and walks away. When he’s gone, I reseat myself on the bench trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Courthouses are very uncomfortable for me. Not only is there an overabundance of dark ones, but many of the �śgood” guys�"the policemen and lawyers�"have waning or slightly darkened halos as well. It’s as if the system has sucked the goodness right out of them, like a parasite. A man in shackles passes with an armed escort. Although the prisoner stares straight ahead, as he crosses my path his head does a ninety-degree turn to glare at me and he stops moving. His halo oozes sluggishly around him like tar, making it impossible to distinguish his features. My stomach plummets. But I know, in this instance, I’m safe so I defiantly meet his gaze. The guards surrounding him tense before prodding him forward. With a sickening chuckle, he continues moving down the hall. Left feeling shaky and with an upset stomach, I start to examine why the really dark ones�"demons, I guess�"are attracted to me and how that relates to my particular gift. For the first time since learning about the Gifts of the Saints, I feel the need to understand what I possess. And the purpose behind it. But later�"today is about Derry. Taking out my phone, I text Gabriel and Becke�"who will report the news to Jonah�"that Derry’s in the judge’s chambers. Becke’s reply of good luck is nearly instantaneous. But Gabriel’s response is even quicker. Am around the corner. Can B 2 U in seconds if needed. Love. Just knowing how near his is, is reassuring. Minutes later, Derry emerges. �śWell?” I ask, jumping to my feet to meet him. He nods his head as if trying to convince himself. �śI think it went okay. She asked me a ton of questions about the Eccles and then wanted to know my preference. I think I remembered everything Mr. Dunning said.” �śGood.” Since he seems a little shell shocked, I lead him back to the bench. Sitting beside him, I wrap my arm around his shoulder, smiling as I recall underneath his conservative button up, his white t-shirt proclaims, �śThe Force is Strong with this One.” His crazy version of a good-luck charm to sway the universe in our favor. I silently pray it works. Reaching into his pocket, Derry pulls out my�"his�"little pink MP3 player and two sets of earbuds connected though a splitter. Still dazed, he states, �śI made us a Waiting for Someone Else to Decide My Fate mix.” As expected, I laugh. Taking the earphones, I lean against him, grateful we’ve got music to fill the wait. The mix is long, which is good because nearly thirty songs later the doors to the courtroom burst open, and a chaotic whirl of ashy-black stomps out. Just inside the halo, I can make out the features of a balding man in his mid-to-late forties. With a mismatched suit coat and trousers in contrasting shades of brown, a yellow shirt and red tie, he looks like he raided a thrift shop for something to wear to court. Behind him totters the gravelly-haloed Mrs. Eccles wearing a dress that barely covers her thighs and reveals her surgically enhanced chest. Guess no one told her the judge was a woman. �śIs that your foster father?” I whisper, pulling off my earphones and removing the one from Derry’s closest ear. The dark man stops to glare at us before stalking in the opposite direction followed by his plastic wife. �śUsed to be.” Derry grins as he pulls me to my feet. �śI’m guessing from �Śole Earl Senior’s reaction, he didn’t care for the decision they reached in there.” Turning expectantly toward the door, we’re greeted by Steven and Kate’s smiling faces. Gripping Derry’s hand with brute force, I wait for them to say the words that make it official. �śWe have custody,” Kate blurts this as she moves in to hug her new foster son. Steven follows, giving Derry a manly handshake and a very non-patronizing �ścongratulations son.” Then Mr. Dunning is pumping everyone’s hand and adding his congratulatory words. Finally, I get my turn. Derry envelopes me in a bear hug so that my feet dangle off the ground and my face gets buried against his Adam’s apple. He smells faintly of shaving cream. �śI get to stay, Lexi.” So much is in that single sentence�"disbelief, hope, fear, longing, and relief�"it twists my heart. Fighting the emotions that threaten to spill over from my eyes, I cling to him until the tearfulness has passed. The last weeks have not been easy on any of us. Strangers�"social workers, court-appointed shrinks, and others�"have poked into every aspect of Kate and Steven’s life; every aspect of Derry’s and my school. And it’s not over yet. Until adoption, there’s no such thing as �śpermanent custody.” Still, the four of us�"Kate, Steven, Derry, and me�"exit the courthouse as an official court-sanctioned family. For now. In the car, I pull out my phone to spread the good news, texting a single word to Gabriel, Becke, and Jonah that conveys everything they need to know. Party! J * To celebrate, we’re throwing a surprise party with presents and everything. Since Derry has missed out on a lot of gift giving occasions, it’s my idea to do a house warming theme but with all Star Wars stuff for his room. Incidentally, if the Fosters had lost custody we still would’ve had a party�"it just would’ve been a sad, the-world-really-sucks theme. But I’m thrilled it’s the former! Kate tells Derry we’re going to the movies at the mall, which is pretty sneaky even for her. After a light, early dinner, we are on the verge of walking out of the house when the doorbell rings. Derry happens to be waiting in the living room, while the rest of us loiter in our rooms where our gifts and decorations are hidden. When he answers the door, Gabriel, Jonah and Becke�"arms loaded with presents�"shout, �śSurprise!” Steven, Kate, and I enter from the opposite direction with festive, theme-wrapped packages, a Yoda balloon, and a banner which reads: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU. Whirling to look from one group to the other, Derry’s mouth hangs open in shock, a rare occasion of speechlessness. Piling the presents on the coffee table in front of him, I order Derry to sit and relax while we decorate and arrange the food. Thanks to the local party store, we have all the essentials for the ultimate Star Wars celebration, from plates and napkins, to centerpieces and party favors. Fifteen minutes later, with the music from The Empire Strikes Back playing in the background, I hand Derry a Darth Vader party hat and noisemaker. As he places the hat on his head, his eyes mist over. �śYou guys didn’t need to go through all this trouble. It’s not even my birthday.” But I know�"vividly remember from all those years of neglect and indifference�" this is the party Derry has dreamed about having since he was seven years old. Each neglected birthday, Derry would insist that by next year he would be reunited with his real mom, and, complete with a welcoming new family, they would throw him the biggest, best Star Wars party ever. Over time, the fantasy evolved to include me as well. It is a joy to make his dreams come true. Blinking away the tearful memories, I explain, �śIt doesn’t need to be your birthday. This party is to celebrate you.” There’s so much more on the tip of my tongue about belonging to a real family and finally being together, but I bite it back and blow my noisemaker in his face to break the tension. After Derry retaliates, I declare, �śI think it’s time to open your presents.” The wonder on Derry’s face as he opens everything a guy could need for a tricked-out Star Wars bedroom nearly erases all those years of going without.� My gift is bedding and an alarm clock, which plays the Star Wars theme. When he opens my vintage Episode IV sheets, he exclaims, �śI’ve always wanted these!” �śI remember.” As if I could ever forget. Among many other generous gifts, Kate and Steven give him a new desk and laptop for his room, complete with a second monitor and speakers in the shape of R2D2. As Derry unwraps them, Steven explains, �śI wanted to get you the desktop that depicts the life-sized Han Solo in carbonite, but Kate said it was impractical for school work.” He chuckles. �śMaybe next year though.” Becke and Jonah give him some throw pillows with icon sayings from the saga and a framed movie poster. Even Nana Kransky has sent a present to welcome him, a beautiful LED digital canvas depicting the X-wing fighters’ assault on the Death Star. Gabriel’s gift, the Ultimate Collectors Millennium Falcon Lego set�"the expensive one with a zillion pieces that you need to be practically grown to build�"gets a great reaction, and I hide a smile as I remember what my boyfriend said when he first told me about it. �śThis should buy us some privacy. I figure if Derry works on it every day after school, we should get at least two weeks without interruption. Maybe more. Heck, when he’s done I’ll get him the Imperial Star Destroyer and the Collectors Death Star if it guarantees alone time with you.” Giving creed to Gabriel’s predictions, Derry declares, �śI’m going to work on this every day after school until I finish it.” I can’t help but glance at my boyfriend, whose ever-so-sly wink over Derry’s bent head send shivers radiating through my body. After the presents, Kate and Steven quietly retreat, giving us the run of their�"our�"house. While the boys take Derry’s new toys into his room, Becke and I pick up. All evening, Becke has been pleasant but withdrawn. Clearing a half-eaten plate of food, her nose wrinkles in revulsion and she takes a deep cleansing breath. Taking the plate from her, I inquire, �śFeeling okay?” Her gossamer halo flickers like the last flame of a waning fire. �śNot all that well�"I think I’ve got that flu you and Derrick had.” Sickness would explain the halo inconstancy. Unable to stop a groan as I remember how awful it was to be sick, I place an empathetic hand on her shoulder. �śSorry.” �śSorry what?” Jonah and the rest of the guys have returned from Derry’s room just in time to overhear something I realize, too late, Becke was trying to keep private. Suddenly Becke looks a lot worse, so I calmly explain. �śNothing really. Becke’s not feeling well, is all.” �śBabe, you should’ve told me.” Jonah takes her hand and presses a gentle kiss to her knuckles. �śDo you want me to take you home?” �śNo I’m fine.” In the face of our skepticism, she asserts, �śReally.” With a small frown that distorts his features but isn’t unattractive, Jonah asks, �śIs that why you didn’t answer your phone after school?” For a moment, Becke looks as if she needs to make a mad dash to the bathroom. Then pushing her hair back from her forehead, she sighs and frowns up at Jonah. �śI guess you’re going to find out anyway, and I don’t like keeping secrets from you�"Mr. Creepy sent me a note in sixth period asking me to see him after school.” Collectively we all open our mouths to rant, but she cuts us off. �śBefore you say anything, it was fine. I guess I didn’t do so well on today’s test. But since I’m such a good student normally, he gave me a chance to retake it.” Gabriel catches my eyes as Jonah’s darkening halo whips around his body in a tight revolution. As we watch, Jonah carefully but firmly grips her arm. �śHow come you didn’t tell me? I would’ve stayed with you.” �śI know, but you had your driver’s test. I didn’t want you to miss it�"and I didn’t want you to be distracted. Nothing happened.” Although Gabriel’s voice is calm, his eyes are wary. �śWell something happened. You got asked to stay after and retake today’s test. And you got sick.” When Becke nods, he continues, �śTake us through the details.” Alarm registers in Becke’s trusting emerald eyes. �śYou think Mr. Abernathy had something to do with my getting sick?” �śProbably not. More than likely it’s just a coincidence. But I’d feel better if I heard the whole story.” Guiding her to the couch, Gabriel seats Becke and waits for Jonah to join her. The two boys exchange an unmistakable look, grim and knowing. Becke watches each of us as we sit opposite her, Derry and Gabriel in armchairs while I drop to the floor between them. As soon as we settle, she begins. �śWell, Mr. Abernathy was nicer than usual. He explained about the test and asked if I wanted to retake it. After he gave it to me, he left the room and didn’t return until I was nearly finished, forty minutes later. That’s about when I stated feeling off. Dizzy, sweating, disoriented�"I waited for him to grade my test and when he told me I’d passed, he noticed I wasn’t doing too well. He poured me some more water and then offered to drive me home.” �śYou didn’t.” Derry shakes his head, a denial that she would accept a ride from the pervy teacher. Although Jonah remains silent, his halo continues to churn. �śI was so out of it by then�"I didn’t really know what I was doing. You guys were all tied up with court�"my parents were working, and I didn’t want to interrupt Jonah�"so I agreed to go with him. I wanted to lie down so badly. He didn’t try anything funny�"just drove me home. I went straight to bed and must’ve really been out of it, because when Jonah called around six-thirty, it felt like I’d barely slept. But Mr. Creepy dropped me off at 4:05, so I figure I slept for two solid hours. And I’m really starting to feel better.” Placing his hand on her cheek, Jonah turns Becke toward him. Looking her squarely in the eyes, he implores, �śPromise me you’ll never�"ever�"do something like that again. Promise you’ll interrupt me, and if you can’t get me you’ll call one of our friends. I don’t ever want you to be alone with him again, not at school and definitely not away from school, like in his car.” Solemnly, Becke nods. �śI promise. I really wasn’t using my best judgment. I was just so sick�"now everything’s a blur�"I barely remember my actions. It’s like it all happened to someone else, with me watching but completely disconnected.” She shivers as she relives the feelings of helplessness. �śWeird.” Wanting to cheer her up, I admit. �śWhen I was sick, I might’ve told Gabriel I dream about him shirtless.” Cringing, I hide my face against my boyfriend’s leg as the others chuckle at my expense. Except for Derry who’s �śewww gross” is unmistakable. But my confession does the trick as we all start sharing and then laughing about some of our more embarrassing moments. Later, as Derry and Jonah debate some finer point of Jengo Fett and his clone son Boba, Gabriel whispers into my ear, �śCome outside with me.” Taking my hand, he leads me away from the others, pausing only to grab a soft throw blanket on the way out the back door. The early May night is clear. Stars dot the sky around the barest sliver of a crescent moon. As we settle on the bench, Gabriel pulls me onto his lap and wraps us in the blanket to protect against the cool breeze. For a while we’re silent�"content to just be together�"and then the deep timbre of Gabriel’s voice, heavy with thought, punctuates the quiet. �śYou’re wearing me around your neck, close to your heart.” Realizing he’s talking about my gift, the angel wings pendant, I reach up to enclose the smooth metal in my palm. �śI wear it always.” �śI was proud of you today. You held your own against the darkness at the courthouse.” �śI felt more in control, but it was still unsettling.” �śEvil always is.” I think back to earlier in the day and my growing need to find answers. As if reading my mind, Gabriel says, �śYou can handle them you know, the dark ones�"the demons�"that’s why they’re drawn to you, because you can stand against them.” When I open my mouth to protest, he cuts me off. �śIt may not feel that way now, but you’ve been given a very rare and powerful gift. You are special, Alexia. Your gift, your existence�"there’s a reason behind it. When you embrace it, develop it, the dark ones won’t affect you at all.” Frustrated, like I always feel when Gabriel starts talking cryptically about my destiny, I twist in his arms to challenge him for what feels like the millionth time. �śWhy don’t you explain it to me? Why does it have to be a giant cosmic puzzle?” �śI’m not going to argue with you. The revelation of your gift will come to you when you’re ready to accept it. And no matter what I know, your understanding will be different. Unique to you. The best I can do is to persuade you not to be afraid of your future.” He kisses my cheek, a feathery warm brush of his perfect lips causing my skin to tingle despite my animosity. �śFind your purpose.” �śWhat about you?” �śI’m here. You’re my purpose. And this,” his fingers twine through mine as he lifts our joined hands, �śis my purpose. To be with you on your journey of discovery. As long as I can.” �śAnd when your assignment is over? What happens then?” Pausing to phrase his answer, he regards me gravely. �śIf you’re asking whether I’ll still feel the same way towards you�"yes and no. The feelings may not be as intense, but I’ll always have the memories of our time together. I will never stop loving you.” His fingers sift through my hair at the base of my head, applying gentle pressure to move me forward until our lips touch. Tender at first, our kiss turns hot as we admit we’re loving on borrowed time and any moment could be our last. In the aftermath of our kiss, we silently stare out at the stars, lost in our own thoughts. As fruitless as worrying is, I can’t help but dwell on the certainty Gabriel will eventually leave me, even if he would wish it otherwise. According to him, we both have our destinies to fulfill. Automatically reaching for my precious angel wing pendant, I close my hand around Gabriel’s heart as if the gesture could keep him with me for always. �śSummer,” I promise him. �śAs soon as school’s out, I’ll start learning everything I can about the Gifts of the Saints and my destiny.” CHAPTER 16 It’s amazing how the realization of living on borrowed time influences our choices. When Gabriel looks at me with his celestial eyes and declares, �śI want you to go with me to the end of the year dance. I’ve got to dance with you.” I’m too stunned to say no. As much as I detest dances, I can’t help but wonder how much I would regret my decision later if I refuse him. As if sensing my dilemma, he adds, �śI already talked to Becke and Jonah and they’re in if we are.” The undisguised longing in his gaze is overwhelming. How could I refuse him anything? But instead of agreeing, I find myself asking, �śWhat about Derry?” �śHe’s invited too. We can make it more like a group thing, as long as I get one slow dance with you.” Sparks leap from Gabriel’s eyes onto my skin infusing me with warmth. The desire staring back at me makes my stomach do funny flips. Even though I’ve got concerns about Derry feeling like a fifth wheel, dancing with Gabriel suddenly seems like something too precious to be missed. �śOkay�"I� mean –yes. I’ll go to the dance with you.” Later when I ask Derry to come with, he puts an end to my worry about being a pity date by declaring, �śDances are for douches.” No matter which argument I use, he doesn’t relent. Even the fact Jonah’s going doesn’t change his mind. �śBesides,” he says rubbing his hands together, �śKate’s gonna be gone for work, so Steven was gonna buy the latest Guitar Hero for us. It seems rude to ditch him.”� When I try again to influence him, he declares, �śWhile you’re dressed up like a Naomi clone wallowing in the adolescent equivalent of the Death Star trash compactor, I’ll be eating pizza and playing video games. There is no comparison.” Despite his denials, when the big night comes he’s unable to completely mask his emotions. Wearing the little black dress from my fall shopping excursion with Kate, I enter the Fosters’ living room and am� greeted by two very different boys with surprisingly similar reactions. Gabriel strides forward to take me in his arms. �śYou look beautiful,” he declares before kissing my cheek. Thanking my boyfriend, I can’t help but turn to Derry and seek his approval as well. �śWell?” I ask feeling strangely nervous about his reaction. After closing his mouth and carefully arranging his features into some semblance of feigned indifference, he looks me over from head to toe and slowly back up to my face before admitting evenly, �śYou don’t look nearly as ridiculous as I imagined.” His backhanded compliment hurts, especially since I noticed his eyes pop when I walked in the room. Maybe that’s part of being a teenage boy�"you can’t just express straightforward appreciation. Or maybe it’s just Derry. He’s practically my brother, after all. My throat tightens as I cover my reaction with sarcasm. �śThanks, I think.” I can’t help but feel I’ve let him down in some vague way. Sensing my disappointment, he backpedals, �śNo, I mean you look good. Pretty. I mean girlie.” Putting an end to his pathetic attempts at flattery, I hold up my hand. �śIt’s fine. Really. You don’t need to make stuff up.” Then taking Gabriel’s arm I say in the haughtiest tone I can achieve, �śCome on. Let’s go join the other douches at the dance.” Whatever Derry’s about to retort is halted by the withering glance I shoot in his direction before exiting. Although I shouldn’t really be surprised by him, or bothered for that matter, it takes nearly an hour for me to shake off his criticism and get into the spirit of the evening. Never having had a girlfriend, Derry doesn’t get it. For me the night isn’t about conformity or popularity�"it isn’t even the rite of passage like Kate suggests�"it’s about spending special time with the boy I love. It’s about each and every grain of sand that drops away and shortens our time together. About fighting the inevitable by clinging to the moment. When we get to the dance, I experience a momentary lapse in conviction. When faced with a room full of writhing kids surrounded by their undulating halos, my chest feels like it’s in a vise. As much as I want to go home and hide in my room, I don’t want to disappoint my date and I certainly DO NOT want to give Derry the satisfaction of saying, �śI told you so.” Still I’ll never be one of those girls who likes to party or is even remotely comfortable in a situation like this. Too many dangers lurk in the shadowy corners of my imagination. Pulling my thoughts away from their dark, wandering route, I force myself to take a deep breath, smiling broadly as I exhale. This is the experience most girls dream of having. Wearing the perfect dress, on the arm of the best looking guy in the room�"and while it feels like everyone is judging me, they’re probably a bit jealous, too. Mid-stride, Gabriel slows to a halt. As I turn to look at him, he stuns me with the intensity of his smile. �śTonight’s about us. No one else Alex. Just us.” His sandy hair falls across his face making him seem boyish despite his blazing halo. �śKeep telling me that.” �śOkay.” The beginnings of a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. �śThe only thing that matters tonight is us.” Over Gabriel’s shoulder, I see Becke and Jonah wave from their corner table. As we pick our way over to them, Naomi steps in our path. �śGabriel!” She draws out his name in an overly-enthusiastic high pitched voice. �śCome dance with me.” Brazen, even for her, she places her perfectly manicured hands on his biceps and proceeds to pull. From the squint of her eyes, and the loud, stretched-out sentences, it’s clear she’s been drinking. Her halter dress, silver to the rest of the room but dingy to me on account of her halo, barely hides her ass. Immovable, Gabriel stares as she loses her grip and falls on the floor flashing us her hot pink thong and a bit of what it’s inadequately covering up. While my date can’t help but notice her exposure�"heck, the whole room can probably see�"he quickly averts his eyes. Making no move to cover herself, Naomi giggles. Boldly she smiles up at him, drunkenly asking, �śDo you like what you see?” Not even dignifying the question with a response, Gabriel takes my arm and leads me across the floor to our friends. Becke, who looks fabulous in a vintage emerald dress, raises her eyebrows as we approach. �śWhat was that about?” A slight blush creeps across Gabriel’s cheeks, his only indication he has a reaction to what he just saw. Jumping to his rescue, I answer, �śJust Naomi being Naomi. She’s drunk and she just flashed half the room.” �śEwww! Nasty!” Becke rolls her eyes as Jonah chuckles. Shaking her auburn ringlets in disgust, she admits, �śI’m so sorry I asked.” �śClassic!” Jonah, who also cleans up well, has a mischievous glint in his eyes as he holds out his hand expectantly. �śHey babe, can I borrow your phone?” �śWhy?” Becke hands it over without a second thought. �śBecause I want to text Derry about Naomi’s snatch. He asked for updates.” �śAbout Naomi’s snatch?” �śNo.” By this point Jonah’s heaving with laughter. �śAbout the dance.” This surprises me considering Derry’s rather critical opinion. Smiling from ear to ear, Jonah glances at his lovely girlfriend and then to Gabriel and me. �śI don’t suppose one of you’d head over there and take a picture for me?” All three of us answer in unison, �śNo!” �śCome on,” he pleads. �śI can make it viral in like ten seconds.” While the thought is tempting, I remind myself we’re the better people. Taking Becke’s arm in mine, I orchestrate our escape from all things inappropriately Naomi by suggesting, �śWhy don’t we get something to drink?” Once we’re safely by the punch, I ask, �śDo you like to dance?” Becke grimaces, instantly trying to cover the response with a wan smile. The result is unconvincing. �śNot really. I’m way too self-conscious of how I look.’ She indicates the tightly packed dance floor with a tip of her head. �śI think I’d rather walk through school naked than do that.” I follow her gaze to where kids are bobbing and grinding and seem to be having a great time displaying their inner exhibitionist. �śHow can they just have fun and care so little about what people are thinking?” �śI have no clue.” With a shrug, she hands me two glasses of punch then takes two more. Walking back to the table I ask, �śSo you’re not going to dance?” �śJust the slow ones.” Again she tries to smile with disastrous results. And while she might fool some people, her halo gives her away. For the past week, Becke’s halo has continued to flicker, as if struggling to survive. And while I first thought it was due to illness, it has become clear something else is going on. When she excuses herself to go to the ladies’ room, I invite myself along. As Becke fixes her lipstick, I study her reflection in the mirror. Her makeup does a good job of rounding her thinning face and hiding the dark circles under her eyes. When her mirrored image gazes at me with haunted eyes, I refuse to break the contact. �śI know something’s wrong. It might help to talk about it.” Denial flashes across her reflection, chased by some complex emotion causing her resolve to crumple like paper. Letting her mask drop, her fatigue is evident as she regards me though the mirror. Her eyes are suddenly raw, like she has been crying for hours. �śI haven’t slept in a week. Every time I close my eyes�"” Letting her head drop forward in embarrassment, she asks, �śDo you ever have uh�"uh�"sexual dreams?” Trying to remain neutral and calm in spite of the heat suffusing my cheeks at the �śs” word, I take a slow breath before answering. �śLike about my boyfriend?” She shakes her head in quick jerky motions, still refusing to look up. �śNo. Like violent, totally messed-up� nightmare type dreams.” The vehemence with which she admits this makes me almost afraid to continue the conversation. Dread, like an oppressive weight, settles on my chest as I stare at my friend’s back. �śWho are you dreaming about?” Turning around so we’re face to face, Becke lifts her head, and I’m able to read the anguish, the utter hopelessness, in her large green eyes. �śMr. Creepy. They’re so disgusting�"so graphic�"and I just sit there staring, like a rag doll, while he does all sorts of depraved stuff to me.” Lurching forward she pushes past me to an open stall. Dropping to her knees, she heaves as if vomiting up the source of her torment. Between gags, she labors to dispel the rest of her thoughts. �śThe whole time it’s happening he tells me how much I like what he’s doing. And inside my head I’m screaming, but no one hears.” She retches again. �śThe details are so vivid�"so real�"that I’m afraid to sleep.” Finished retching, she struggles to stand and I place my hand under her elbow to assist her. I’ve got no reference for what she’s going through, and no words of encouragement. But knowing what it’s like to be terrified and helpless, I say the only thing I can think of. �śYou’re not alone. What can I do to help you?” Back to staring in the mirror, adjusting her makeup and hair, she meets my reflection’s glance. �śI don’t know. But it’s gotten so bad, I can hardly stand it when Jonah’s too close. Please, don’t say anything, Alex. I don’t want to hurt him. And I especially don’t want him to know what’s bothering me. It’s so gross. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me.” �śSometimes things happen we can’t help. They’re chemical or psychological, like from too much stress, maybe you should see a doctor.” �śMaybe,” Even as the words fall from her lips, her veiled expression tells me the subject’s closed. �śI told Jonah I’ve got mono and it could take a couple of months to completely kick it. So please, please keep this between us. Not even Gabriel can know.” When I nod, she gingerly touches my arm. �śYou’re a good friend, probably the best friend I’ve ever had.” Then turning toward the door before I can form an appropriate response, she resolutely sets her jaw. �śLet’s get back to the guys.” When we reach the table, Gabriel takes my arm and leads me onto the crowded dance floor of swaying couples. Warily, he glances from Becke to me. �śIs everything okay?” I know Gabriel senses things are off. Not wanting to lie to him, or betray Becke I answer, �śBecke’s having some stress issues related to�"uh�"sex.” �śOh.” The pink creeping into his cheeks turns crimson as he fits his hands into the hollows above my hips and pulls me close. Although we begin to sway, the �śs” word settles uncomfortably between us, making his touch feel hotter against my waist, his breath nearly painful as it brushes against every nerve ending of my neck. Pulling away, I look into his glazed eyes. �śCan we go get some air, maybe?” �śSure.” Once we’re outside and away from prying ears, I ask, �śHas Jonah said anything about them having problems?” The concern rushing into his features over our friends turns me into a warm puddle of goo. �śWhat’s wrong, Alexia.” �śNothing specifically, but Becke’s halo seems dim.” �śJonah said she was still sick. Do you think it might be something else?” � �śI just think we should keep a close eye on them.” My promise to Becke stops me from saying more. Gabriel searches my face, and then pulls me close for a full contact hug. �śYou’re a wonderful, caring person and I’m so lucky you love me.” Brushing my lips over his jaw, I start kissing my way toward his mouth. �śAnd you are amazing. You’re the only guy I could ever love. My forever.” � Gabriel freezes. Taking my face gently between his warm palms, he halts my kisses, stopping my lips just short of their goal. For a moment, he regards me with troubled, penetrating eyes. Suddenly, he seems infinitely old�"wise and world weary�"and sad. One hand strokes my cheek as he confesses, �śI may be your first love, but I won’t be your last.” �śI’ll never�"” �śShhh. We don’t know what the future holds for us. Not even guardians.” �śSo you expect to love again?” �śUnlikely. I have existed since time began and I’ve never known this before.” �śAnd after you’re gone?” He’s explained before, but I desperately need to hear it again. �śI’ll always love you, but the feelings will�"temper. I’ll remember our love�"how it feels to love you�"but it will be head knowledge ruling my heart rather than the other way around.” �śYour heart rules your head right now?” �śMy heart’s on fire. I love you so much I can’t breathe when I try to comprehend the depth of my emotion. My body’s a riot of feelings and passions�"and I’m terrified my burning heart will impair my ability to keep you safe. But it’s like trying to stop a tsunami with my pinky. And I don’t want to stop it. I want the wave to crash over me and I want to drown in my love for you because I want you with every cell in my body. �śThat’s the other thing I’ll carry with me when I ascend, the experience of loving you with my whole being, beyond reason and measure. Beyond supernatural discipline. A once in eternity miracle�Ś my miracle.” My body trembles as his words sink in. Though I try to focus on the declaration of love, it’s the bleakness of our future that takes root. �śThis can’t last.” Gabriel squeezes my hand tightly. �śDon’t think that way. This never should’ve happened in the first place. From all I know, it can’t happen. This is a gift and I plan to cherish every precious moment I have with you.” I feel the same, but can’t make my voice work because of the lump�"the fear of inevitable separation�"lodged in my throat. �śAlexia.” He pulls me back into his arms and begins to sway. �śTonight is about us. Worrying about tomorrow will only rob us of today. So tell me you love me�"and dance with me. Please.” Such a simple request. I want to give him this night. Tipping my face up to nuzzle his amazing-smelling neck, I murmur my love over and over, punctuating my feelings with soft kisses against his warm skin. My first�"maybe only�"dance�Ś Such a typical thing for most kids, dancing serves as a reminder, my time being normal has an expiration date. It reads summer. As I sway in my Gabriel’s arms, a memory long forgotten floats to the center of my consciousness. Derry and I�"not yet teenagers�"standing on the cracked cement playground of The Children’s Home, awkwardly holding one another and moving to a radio in the distance. Dancing lessons. Derry’s idea, not mine. Just once. He wanted to learn and kept at me until I gave in. Although the swaying of our twelve-year-old innocence had none of the electric intensity of tonight, it was still my first. Derry was my�" �śI love you.” Gabriel returns me to the present and the purpose of this night. Pushing thoughts of Derry away, I commit myself to being here�"with the boy I love�"in whatever time we’ve got left. Besides, dancing practice with my best friend doesn’t count. And if I asked Derry�"although I won’t because he’d probably laugh at me�"I’m sure he probably wouldn’t even remember. So for the rest of the night, I dance. * When Jonah drops Gabriel and me off at the Fosters’ later, the house is dark expect for the burning porch light. Reluctant to let go of the magical evening, and since no one seems to be waiting up, I suggest we sit and look at the stars. Stargazing turns swiftly into kissing, and for the next hour the only stars we see are in one another’s eyes. There’s a finality to our contact, as if we’ll be ripped apart at any second, but neither of us speaks it aloud. Instead, we taste and touch and feel until our only choices are to end the night or do more than kiss. Clinging to Gabriel’s chest, I hear the pounding of his heart and feel the vibrations trembling through his body. His breath that comes in short, ragged bursts against my hair. If he wanted to�Ś asked me for more�Ś in this moment I would deny him nothing. All he has to do is ask and I’d give him everything. I’m his. Instead, he pulls an uneven breath into his lungs and exhales unsteadily. �śYou should probably go inside now, Alexia.” �śOkay.” Although I agree, I don’t move, not an inch. Do I want him to change his mind about sending me away? Am I ready for what comes next? What’s he thinking right now? As if in answer to my question, Gabriel stands, lifting me with him. Walking me to the Fosters’ red door, he covers my face in kisses so tender my heart wants to break. �śTonight has been perfection,” he whispers, before turning the knob. �śThere will be time for everything else.” He gently nudges me inside. Through the thick glass I watch his abstract form retreat, relieved yet disappointed he has strength enough for both of us to stop. There will be time�Ś Is that a clue? Does that mean Gabriel knows more about how long he’ll be with me than he can say? We still have time. The adrenaline coursing through my body, mixing with my conflicting emotions, makes sleep impossible, so I step into the darkened living room. Deep in thought, I jump when I realize I’m not alone. Derry’s sitting on the couch staring into space. Although his face is covered in shadow, I can sense his frown. Giving my eyes time to adjust, I stand in the dark. My best friend stays disconcertingly silent until I’m forced to ask, �śWaiting up for me?” �śAre you going to yell at me if I say yes?” He’s wearing a plain green t-shirt with Return of the Jedi flannel bottoms and Yoda slippers. Despite the clothes, he looks less childlike and more grown than I’ve ever seen him. �śNot tonight.” Stepping out of my shoes, I self-consciously smooth my dress down over my hips and stomach. �śBut I’d like to know why.” �śWhy what?” His voice is low, lacking its usual animation and his jaw tightens with repressed emotion. His halo sparks then wanes as we dance around truths. �śWhy check up on me at the dance? Why wait here in the dark?” Shrugging, he proclaims, �śCouldn’t go to bed until you were home safe.” �śWell, I am.” For I moment I wait for the stranger on the couch to snap out of his contrary mood and turn back into my best friend. But Derry doesn’t move or even acknowledge he’s heard me. He remains a statue. Something about the atmosphere around him, the flatness of his saffron halo, threatens to consume the tiny sliver of happiness that is my lifeline. Desperate to escape from the fatalistic turn of the evening, I make my exit. �śOkay then, goodnight.” �śLexi?” His wooden voice causes a chill to shiver its way up my spine. I pause, but don’t turn around to face him. �śDid you have a good time?” �śYes.” Even as I answer him honestly, I feel bereft�" like I’ve let him down. �śOh.” In the right universe, I’d sit beside him, sharing the precious�"often hilarious�"details of my night, but in this weird galaxy far, far away I just want to escape. The last thing I hear before my successful retreat is his quiet voice pleading, �śJust be careful.” CHAPTER 17 �śI’ve got a doctor’s appointment after lunch today.” Although she’s sitting in her usual spot, Becke’s about as far away from Jonah as physically possible. She catches my gaze. �śJust a routine follow-up because of the mono.” �śIt’s good to go and get things checked out, just to be sure.” My smile is tight. Considering the conversation at the dance, for Becke to be seeing a doctor, she must be getting worse. I watch as she gathers up her things and dodges Jonah’s kiss so it skims her cheek instead of landing on her lips. She doesn’t look back as she hurries out of the cafeteria. Once she’s gone, Jonah sighs. �śI’ve been asking her to go see a doctor for the past week. She’s not herself.” His halo thickens like fog, dissipating with his next exhale. �śI’ve been so worried.” �śI’m sure everything will be just fine. You’ll see.” Although I find the appropriate words to reassure him, I don’t miss the sharp frowns on Derry and Gabriel’s faces as they stare down at the scarred table. The next morning, I intercept Becke in the hall and steer her into the girls’ bathroom. �śWell?” She’s worse than ever, kind of hazy and lethargic. �śThe doctor gave me some antidepressants. Some antipsychotics too. I don’t like taking them. They make me feel numb, and thirsty.” Her feeble halo flickers in agreement. Seeing Becke so blunted isn’t at all what I had in mind when I suggested getting help. �śDid they run any tests? Or recommend any therapy?” �śNo. He said what I’ve got is a textbook case of depression that can be regulated with medicine.” �śMaybe you should get a second opinion.” �śDr. Horowitz has a medical degree from Harvard. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. Besides, I slept last night�"at least I think I did�"I kind of just drifted away into nothing.” As she stares off into space, I can’t help but be disturbed by the vacancy in her expression. This girl isn’t my vivacious, dolphin-loving friend. What stands before me is a shell. Slowly her face turns to mine and a single spark of life flickers then diminishes in her dull eyes. �śWhat were we talking about again?” �śOptions other than the medication you’re on.” Her halo continues to sputter like doused fire. �śI like the drugs, Alex. The drugs make it all go away�Ś” On one of our first dates, Gabriel told me zombies weren’t real. After watching Becke shuffle through her morning classes in a stupor, I know this to be a lie. Not only do zombies exist, but they are soulless creatures devoid of the best attributes of humanity. And my friend has become one of them. Over lunch Becke rearranges her food but eats very little.� When the bell rings, she stands�"leaving her food in a heap�"and starts to leave without a word to any of us. By the time Jonah has cleared her trash, she’s already in the hallway. Sprinting, he calls, �śBabe, wait up.” Becke gives no indication of hearing until he catches up to her, sliding his hand automatically around her waist. She jerks away from him as if from an attacker. �śDon’t you touch me!” The shock on Jonah’s face is raw and painful to watch. �śBabe? Are you okay?” �śDon’t�"You�"Touch�"Me!” �śOkay.” Jonah raises his hands, slowly, like he’s trying to placate a terrified animal. �śLet’s go to class.” �śYou’d like that wouldn’t you? You told him to do those things to me, didn’t you? You make me sick!” �śWhat’re you talking about?” �śI hate you!” As every set of eyes in the cafeteria watches the drama unfold with various degrees of shock and perverse pleasure, I step between them. It’s heart wrenching to look at Jonah, his face crumpled with devastation and shock. �śWhy don’t you let me take her to the nurse?” I suggest gently. �śBut�"” Flanking Jonah’s sides, Gabriel and Derry lead the shell-shocked boy away. After he’s gone, I wait for the rest of the students to clear out before confronting Becke. She wraps her frail arms protectively around her waif-like midsection and squeezes her eyes shut as if trying to vanish from the school by sheer will. Gently I ask, �śCan you walk to the nurse’s office?” Becke’s reply is a low unintelligible mumble. �śWhat?” She’s so quiet I must strain to listen. �śHe raped me.” �śWho?” �śJonah.” Her eyes snap open piercing me with the full horror of her accusation. �śJonah raped me!” With a final sputter her halo vanishes. In my heart, in my soul, I know she’s mistaken but the conviction on her face is so certain. �śAre you sure?” I know Jonah and I have the benefit of seeing his halo. If he’d done what Becke was accusing him of his halo would show me. This I’m certain of, because my curse�"my gift�"doesn’t lie. �śBecause Jonah would never hurt you. He loves you.” Betrayal steals across her face as she directs her fury toward me. �śYou’re on his side! You helped him, didn’t you? You want him to hurt me again!” Stifling a sob with the back of her hand, she turns and begins to run down the hall. Chasing after, I follow her down the stairs. Once we reach the ground floor, I grab Becke’s arm to restrain her. It’s clear she needs more help, not antidepressants or other drugs, but real professional help. Becke stills as I plead with her to wait. For a split second, she looks at me imploringly, as if I have the answers she so desperately needs. Taking a compliant step in my direction, she swings her book bag with all of her might. I hear it whistle through the air seconds before impact as it smashes into my shoulder. The force knocks me to the ground and� I lose my breath.. When I come to my senses, I’m alone in the hall. Torn between following after Becke and addressing the concern of my friends, I sit undecidedly on the floor. If I go to class, what do I say to ease their concern? What can I say? But if I follow Becke, they’ll all come after us and the need to shield Jonah is too compelling. He can’t see her like she is right now�"hear her terrible accusations. A noise just beyond the corner at the far end of the corridor helps me to make up my mind. Scrambling to my feet, I turn and head toward English. Gabriel, Derry, and Jonah stare holes into me as I slink into class late. There’s too much to say, so rather than meet their gazes, I stare resolutely at my shoes. As I take my seat, Mr. Creepy leers. �śWhere is Miss Finch?” he asks. �śShe went home sick. I was late because I was helping her.” �śI see.” Thin lips tighten into a gray slash as his oily halo begins to slide around his body with increased activity. �śMiss Grabovski, you will need to see me after school to make up the fifteen minutes you missed of my class.” I don’t answer, because there’s no way in hell I’m staying after. I’d rather have detention. I tell the boys as much as soon as we’re safely in the hallway alcove. Biting at his lip, Jonah demands, �śHow’s Becke?” Not wanting him to know about his girlfriend’s allegations, I phrase my words carefully. �śI’m not sure. She hasn’t been sleeping well and her doctor thinks her illness might have triggered some depression. He put her on some medicine but I think she’s having a bad reaction to it or something.” The total shock on Jonah’s face tells me he had no clue what was really going on or how severe things are. Pushing his inky hair off his face, he frowns. �śI’m going to go talk to her after school.” �śNo.” I lightly touch his arm, pleading, �śGive her some space. Let me talk to her first.” Jonah’s halo darkens into a smoky film curling around him. Looking from me to Gabriel and then to Derry he asks, �śShould I wait?” When they nod, he bites his lip again. �śOkay, but only until tomorrow.” On the way home, I tell Gabriel and Derry the real story of what happened. When I get to Becke’s accusation, Derry’s head whips from side to side, a forceful manifestation of his disbelief. �śJonah? She said Jonah raped her?” I nod. �śNo way!” Gabriel squeezes my arm. �śI don’t believe it either.” �śThe medication she’s on seems to be making her confused. I think we need to step in. Have an intervention or something. But who should we tell?” Derry’s guileless eyes are troubled, mirroring the helplessness I feel. �śLet’s talk to Steven and Kate tonight and see what they suggest.” He’s right, of course. They’re exactly who we should turn to for help. When we get to the Fosters’, Derry goes inside to call Kate and prepare her for our discussion. Once we’re alone, Gabriel pulls me into his arms, holding on to me so tightly I think I might break a rib. But I don’t care. Clinging to him is the only thing that makes sense at the moment. His smell, his warmth, his love. �śAre you okay, Alexia?” It feels so good to be surrounded by him. Inhaling deeply and then burrowing even closer as I exhale, I say, �śJust a few bruises. I’ll live.” �śAnd Becke?” �śShe’s bad. It’s like she’s having a breakdown or something.” Despite my gift, despite Gabriel’s angelic nature, despite even the steadfast love of her boyfriend, we’re powerless to end her suffering. All we can do is get her help, whether she wants it or not. And I wonder how she’ll feel about our interference, even with the best of intentions. Will it destroy our friendship? When Gabriel finally kisses me, there’s urgency in his touch. Considering what’s happening with our friends, it makes sense. As Jonah and Becke’s relationship falls apart, we’re reminded of our own destiny. Taking a breath, Gabriel presses his forehead to mine. �śI love you, Alexia. I will love you forever!” And he means it. He is, after all, eternal. * When Kate arrives at five-thirty�"with an instant dinner of pizza and salad�"and Steven appears just minutes later, I’m more than ready to enlist their help. Over dinner, I tell them everything about Becke�"the nightmares, the deteriorating behavior, the medication, the rape claim�"all of it. As she listens, Kate’s warm chocolate eyes fill with concern. �śI’m not an expert, but it sounds to me like something happened to her. Something horrible her conscious mind’s trying to shield her from. She needs a second opinion and a therapist.” Although Steven’s distress has colored his face a deep red, his voice is controlled as he asks, �śAre you sure that Jonah didn’t�"” �śNo!” Derry and I respond simultaneously and emphatically. �śWhat about this Mr. Abernathy?” Kate asks. �śAre you certain he didn’t take advantage of her?” Shaking his head, Derry answers, �śI wouldn’t put it past him�"he gives me a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. But Becke said he dropped her off at 4:05. So he would’ve had less than ten minutes with her. And that was the only time she was alone with him.” Hastily, I add, �śBut I think he did take advantage of another student. Kendra Douglas. She never returned after the winter break. I heard she got pregnant and dropped out. It was rumored that a teacher was involved.” Steven stares at us, his features hard with the severity of the accusation. �śSexual misconduct is a very serious allegation to make against a teacher.” Derry nods, encouraging me to continue. �śI know. And we’ve got no proof, just a general creeped-out impression. But my instincts tell me Mr. Abernathy’s a perv, and I trust them.” Slipping her hand over her husbands, Kate affirms, �śWe have instincts for a reason. Tomorrow after school we’ll talk to the principal�"all of us�"and enlist her help to talk to Becke’s parents.” Thankfulness wells up inside of me, making me want to cry. I’m thankful the Fosters believe me and are willing to shoulder my burden. Thankful for Derry, who trusted enough to suggest going to them in the first place. And especially thankful for Gabriel, who has stood in the gap between me and Mr. Creepy since the second day of school. My very own divinely appointed Greater Seraph. The next morning as we eat breakfast, Derry inquires, �śI don’t suppose I could talk you into skipping school?” With everything going on, I can’t believe he’s asking me this. When I tell him as much he says, �śI’ve got a bad feeling about today. I can’t explain it exactly, but I think you should stay home.” �śNo. Sitting home�"wondering about Becke and Jonah�"would be torture.” With a veiled expression, Derry turns away to stare out the window. �śOkay, Lexi. It was just a suggestion.” The seven blocks to Midlands seems longer than usual, almost as if the oppressiveness surrounding us is a physical mass. Like Derry’s bad feeling, it’s an omen that I’m headed in the wrong direction. But I’m done running. With the strength of my friends and foster family, I need to face my fear head on. For myself and for Becke. When we arrive, Jonah approaches us in the courtyard. �śHave you seen Becke this morning?” When Derry says �Śno’ Jonah pulls a note from his pocket and hands it to me. �śI thought she’d be here. I found this on my windshield this morning.” Opening it, so Gabriel and Derry can read over my shoulders, I absorb the two hastily scrawled sentences. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. �"B Jonah swallows like he’s trying to keep his feelings from erupting. His halo has darkened another shade since yesterday. �śIt’s her handwriting. I think she’s breaking up with me. I must’ve left her at least twenty messages since yesterday. What should I do?” �śWe’re going to talk to Principal Reynolds after school and ask her to intervene with Becke’s parents. Come with us.” �śOkay.” The bell interrupts our conversation and as we reluctantly head to class, I wish the day would fast forward to the important parts. When Becke still hasn’t appeared after first period, Jonah announces, �śI’m going to talk to her.” My plea for him to reconsider causes him to shake his head stubbornly. �śMy girlfriend’s in pain. I can’t wait and do nothing. I’ll explode.” As if to underscore his point, his ashy halo whips around him in a tight revolution before settling. His face hardens with his unwavering resolve. �śI’ll see you guys later.” By lunchtime, Jonah still hasn’t returned. It’s a bad sign. My stomach knots with tension, and I throw my half-eaten lunch away. When we get to English, Mr. Creepy’s perched on the edge of his desk. His thick, oily halo slides around him as his beady eyes track me to my seat. �śMiss Grabovski, come here please.” With a quick, sharp squeeze, I pull my hand away from Gabriel’s iron grip and walk boldly to the front of the class. I can feel my guardian and Derry staring holes in my back, but it doesn’t matter. In that moment, all that matters is the asshole teacher in front of me. My reaction to Mr. Creepy is blunted by my reckless, antagonistic mood�"a pleasant discovery�"as I glare at him, defiant and mute. �śYou didn’t show after school yesterday.” Truthfully, once I decided not to go, I forgot all about it, but I don’t say this. �śSorry.” My response is flat but strong as I stare him down, provoking confrontation with my body language. �śI forgot.” �śWell�"” Standing, he steps leisurely toward me, leaning in until our noses nearly brush. His voice is low and smells of onions. �śDo you get a thrill out of blowing me�Ś off?” His halo whips about him as his eyes dart quickly to Gabriel and back. �śPlan on spending two hours making it up to me after school today.” Revulsion crawls up my spine, but I continue to meet his gaze without flinching. �śMay I sit down now?” When he nods, I walk back to my seat, grateful the Fosters will be here when school lets out. I decide to let Steven personally explain why I’ll be unable to comply with his order. If he has an issue, he can discuss it with my knights: my foster father, my best friend, and my angel. After taking roll, Mr. Creepy’s halo undulates about him in palpable agitation. �śWhere are Mr. Wilkes and Miss Finch today?” Gabriel appears stoic, but the indignation in his eyes and his blazing halo reveal he’s considering tearing Mr. Abernathy apart. �śSick, I believe.”� With a curt nod, our teacher returns to his desk. Jonah never shows. About five minutes into the lesson, a kid walks through the door, hands Mr. Creepy a note and then leaves. As the teacher reads it, the chaotic tumble of charcoal that surrounds him stops. I watch as his halo comes alive, reshaping itself into a giant creature with a thousand snarling mouths. The mouths begin a frenzied attack on Mr. Abernathy devouring the remaining shreds of his humanity�"and I see him for what he is, a demon. Not a single student reacts as if anything is out of the ordinary. They remain as apathetic and unsuspecting as usual. Meanwhile the demon feeds, tearing at Mr. Creepy’s flesh, crunching his bones until in mere seconds, the human host has been consumed. The sudden bile, the nausea and the fear welling inside of me are incapacitating. All I want to do is lie down in the fetal position and moan. Certain I’m about to hurl, I jump to my feet and dash to the ladies room. I don’t care that I haven’t asked permission or that I’m in the halls without a pass. Whatever just happened to my English teacher, and to me as a result, have me convinced never to go near him again. The pounding in my brain becomes a spike, forging a word over and over again. EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! Collapsing over the toilet bowl, I grip my splintering head as my lunch comes spewing out. As I empty my stomach, I hear Gabriel and Derry barge into the girls’ room after me. I feel them wedge into the stall, pressing against my back. And I want to tell them to back off, to give me some air, but I’m heaving uncontrollably. Finally, I collapse into a shaking heap. The boys hover above me and I realize their mouths are moving. I can’t hear them over the word-spike hammering my head. �śSomething’s happening,” I moan. Gabriel leans in close to my ear. The force of his breath on my cheek indicates he’s shouting despite sounding impossibly far away. �śTrust your instincts,” he says. �śWhat are your instincts saying?” �śEvil!” I give into the refrain in my head, chanting along with it. �śEVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!” Saying it aloud seems to help it recede. Gabriel’s eyes mirror the horror I feel. �śYou have to go protect the class from him,” I beg. He’s clearly torn, wanting to stay with me but also knowing there’s a terrible danger. �śPlease, you’re the only one who can face him.” Every muscle in the Seraph’s body seems to stiffen as he agrees. Giving Derry a quick glance, he says, �śStay with Alex.” His usually brilliant halo becomes blinding. Reflexively, I shield my eyes until the light dims. Gabriel is gone. Derry�"who’s been silent much of this time, stares after Gabriel with a look I can’t comprehend�"but it breaks my heart anyway. His agonized, apologetic eyes turn to mine. �śAlex�"” He must be confused and frightened by what’s happening. �śI’ll explain everything,” I promise. �śLater. Please help Gabriel�"go protect the class.” He looks at me so strangely�"that for a moment I think he’ll object�"before giving a single nod. �śStay here.” When I am alone, I take a moment to gather myself. If I have a gift, then I ought to be able to draw from it. Find strength, get to my feet, and face the demon at the end of the hall. Fight evil. Save my friends. Concentrating, I try to summon inner strength. In my mind’s eye, I see the halos around me. Show me my gift, I plead to anyone who might be listening. I picture the halos. The yellows and whites. The goodness. They reach for me and I begin to pull. I draw until my skin starts to tingle. Until I have the energy to get to my feet. Until I am different. Stepping into the hall, movement in the opposite direction from English catches my eye�"just a black smudge slipping out the door and into the faculty parking lot. But I sense Mr. Creepy�"Evil�"and I follow. Gabriel and Derry are not here. They must be with the class. And although I have no idea why the teacher is not with them, I am relieved. I can protect them, I think. And I can end this. I have no idea what to do�"but as the power of my gift courses through me, I have the urgent need to protect. To act! Sprinting down the hallway, I quietly open the door and step outside. The day is deceptively beautiful, summer perfection. �śWhat do you think you are doing, Mr. Wilkes?” Mr. Creepy’s authoritative voice carries through the open space from the far end of the lot. I spin toward the voice in time to see the roiling halo of Jonah Wilkes. He points something at the teacher that stops Mr. Creepy in his tracks. Since it’s the same color as his halo, it takes me a second to recognize the gun in his hand. �śShut up!” Jonah’s voice is shredded with pain. The chaotic charcoal of his halo becomes a swirling vortex around his body. A dark tornado of hate. But Mr. Creepy is infinitely scarier, and Jonah seems ignorant of his true form. The urge to protect my friend is overwhelming. �śJonah, don’t!” Surprise causes Jonah to swing the gun in a wide arc. �śAlex?” His panicked eyes locate me as I slowly step forward with my arms raised. �śWhat are you doing here?” Mr. Creepy stands between us. His demon mouths snap ferociously, forcing me to halt. Peering around the evil, I focus on the boy with the gun. �śJonah, you don’t know what you’re dealing with.” �śGet out of here, Alex.” The door bangs. Out of the corner of my eye I see two forms moving toward me. Two knights. Before I can stop him, Gabriel reaches for me. With fluid grace, he moves around me to become a barrier between Mr. Creepy and Jonah’s gun. Just like the early days, Gabriel stands in the gap. Derry’s at my side too�"I feel his hand grip mine�"but he can only see the danger of the gun, not the demon. Gabriel takes a step forward, hands raised to shoulder height with his palms open. Calmly, while Mr. Creepy’s mouths snarl at him, Gabriel pleads to Jonah, �śPut the gun down.” �śYou too, Gabriel!” Jonah’s face twists in betrayal. �śDerrick, get them out of here.” Derry’s whole body shakes against mine, but he stands his ground. �śOnly if you come with us.” �śSorry, dude. Mr. Abernathy and I have unfinished business.” Jonah turns his attention back to the teacher. Although the hand holding the gun trembles, his halo continues to churn with violence. Noticing that Mr. Creepy has used the distraction to edge forward, Jonah barks, �śStep back, you sick fuck!” Mr. Creepy’s mouths howl in outrage. When he speaks, his voice is a bone chilling monotone. Not one voice, but a thousand raspy voices, a thousand dripping mouths moving in unison. �śWhatever you think you’re doing, Mr. Wilkes, we assure you, you won’t get away with it.” �śShut up, you fuck! Becke’s dead!” Someone�"maybe me�"gasps in shock. Although I don’t want it to be true, it somehow fits�"the oppressiveness, the omens�"the pieces of the puzzle shifting into place. But this is the kind of puzzle that once you solve it, it triggers something terrible and unstoppable, a door opening to release unspeakable horrors. A Pandora’s box. Shuffling backwards, all I can think is that I should’ve been able to stop this from happening. That I can still stop it�"if I can just get my sluggish brain to reengage. Think, I tell myself, think! A glance at Derry’s severe features reinforces the awful suspicions he’s harbored since the morning are confirmed. How could he have possibly known? And how did I not? If I’d known�"even suspected�"I could’ve stopped�"prevented�"maybe�"if I’d�"listened to Gabriel�"instead of running from my gift. Suddenly the air’s too dense. A rasping sound creaks from my throat. Derry’s fingers squeeze my hand, nearly crippling me with pain. �śStop it, Alex!” His low growl forces me out of my shell-shocked recrimination. �śYou can’t fall apart right now.” He’s right. Breathing deeply, I angle myself so that I can better focus my attention on the threats in front of us. Inside his swirling, dark halo, Jonah’s quaking. Although the situation is dire, I can see he doesn’t wants to shoot anyone. I’ve failed Becke but maybe I can still save him. I owe it to her to try. �śJonah, please.” �śShut up Alex!” One of the demon’s larger mouths begins to reform into the face of Mr. Abernathy. With a wet sucking sound, it begins to feed on the hate and violence surrounding Jonah. Something twisted, like perverse pleasure, settles just under the surface of its features. The satisfaction emanating from it causes me to blurt out, �śOh God, what did you do?” Mr. Creepy answers me in the same stereo monotone, �śWe don’t know what you’re talking about.” Reaching his free hand into his pocket, Jonah takes out a piece of lined notepaper identical to the one Becke left on his windshield and the one Mr. Creepy received in class. He tosses it at the teacher. �śRead it,” he commands. When Mr. Abernathy makes no move to pick it up, Jonah makes a stabbing motion with the gun. �śPick it up now and READ IT!” A mouth snaps before opening wide enough for an arm to protrude and pick up the paper. Mr. Creepy’s eyes silently scan the page. When Jonah growls, �śAloud!” a thousand raspy throats clear before reading in whispery unison:� �śTo whom it may concern. Something terrible happened to me. I was raped, but there’s a conspiracy to make me think it’s all in my mind. Even my parents don’t believe me. They want to put me in a place for head cases. But I’m not crazy! I told Alex my boyfriend did it. But I was wrong. I realize that it was someone else. I’m sorry I accused you Jonah. You would never hurt me. I know that now and I’m so SORRY. Now I see everyone will be better off if I’m gone, including me. To whoever finds my body, I’m sorry about that too�Ś Becke.” Tears roll down Jonah’s cheeks, as his halo continues to circle him in a destructive whirlwind of grief. �śShe took her whole bottle of pills.” Eyes narrowing, Mr. Creepy declares, �śMiss Finch was a very troubled girl.” His mouth-arm lifts the paper, giving it a shake. �śObviously delusional.” The teacher’s words cause the tumultuous vortex of Jonah’s halo to thicken into something opaque and chillingly ominous�"more black hole than tornado. Stepping forward with the gun pointed at Mr. Creepy’s head, Jonah states, �śI broke into your car.” While the composure of the head that looks like Mr. Creepy cracks, the rest of the mouths begin to wheeze. Though I don’t understand the significance of Jonah’s words, their impact is undeniable. Jonah continues, �śI found your gun�"and the handcuffs. The clock on your dashboard is an hour and a half slow. Last week when you drove Becke home, she said you dropped her off at 4:05 but it was really 5:35. What did you do to her in those ninety minutes?” The wheezing becomes a hoarse chuckle. Cold evil laughter rumbles over everything. The sound causes my stomach to lurch. �śWhat did you do? Did you drug her?” Jonah gags on the last word, choking down his revulsion. Rather than answer, the mouths contort grotesquely into a thousand sly smiles. Mr. Abernathy licks his lips. He grins perversely at Jonah but remains eerily silent. �śYou fucker! You did! How did you do it?” When Mr. Creepy remains mute, Jonah shouts, �śAnswer me!” Suddenly I know. �śThe water�"” Pushing my way between Derry and Gabriel, I give Jonah the answers he so desperately needs. �śHe never has any water on his desk during class, but after school he uses a pitcher. He offered some to me when I stayed after, and Becke said when she started to feel sick, he gave her some more water. But the water was drugged. It’s what made her sick in the first place. That’s how he does it.” I try to step forward again, but Derry and Gabriel are each gripping one of my forearms, anchoring me in place. The tumultuous, churning void of Jonah’s halo continues to spiral with impossible speed. So low, that I nearly doubt my hearing, he growls, �śNot anymore.” Jonah’s free hand lifts Becke’s phone�"barely visible inside the vortex. He’s recording. �śConfess!” he demands. I hear the soft click of the catch on the gun, but Mr. Creepy’s mouths just laugh with perverse glee. �śYou don’t have the guts,” he taunts. �śYou’re an impotent little failure�"you couldn’t even satisfy your girlfriend, so we had to do it for you.” A sob wrenches from Jonah’s throat and his halo explodes outward. As it surrounds the demon, the hideous mouths begin to suck�"to feed on Jonah’s darkness. I know they will not stop until they consume Jonah’s essence. Until they devour him. Without thinking, I jerk my hands from their restraints and rush forward. I have to protect him. �śJonah, no!”� My whole body tingles with borrowed energy, but painful like touching live wires. I see something, not a halo exactly, but something good�"pure, white�"rushing down my arms and outward toward the evil. It hurts. My power surrounds Jonah and the demon, pushing at their halos in an effort to get them apart. As Mr. Creepy howls in fury, Gabriel grabs for my arm. �śAlex, stop! You’re not ready.” Grinding my teeth with effort, I snarl, �śI can do this. This is my gift, remember.” Every muscle in my body is rigid with effort as I push at the darkness to save my friend. I’m stronger than the demon. I feel the truth of it in every molecule of my being. I can defeat him. Closing my eyes in concentration, I pull from the energy around me�"from Derry, from Gabriel. Gabriel’s halo comes at me like an earthquake. It rumbles through me and a tsunami, a great rolling wave of righteousness crashes over the demon. A thousand mouths begin to scream in an ear shattering pitch as the demon is cast out. It retreats, letting go of my friend. But the power I’ve unleashed hurls Jonah across the parking lot. I can’t control it�"can’t stop it from happening. �śLexi!” I hear Derry’s strangled cry in the second before the gun goes off. A deafening blast shatters my eardrums as Gabriel pushes me down. The shot rips apart the atmosphere as I go tumbling into the unforgiving pavement. Everything goes deathly silent. Lying in a tangled heap, pain radiates from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, as stars dance behind my eyes. I know I’m shot, so I lay still waiting for the excruciating sting of death to sear my body. When it doesn’t come, I wonder if I’m already dead. Except my shoulder and chin throb from being smashed against the asphalt. Derry and Gabriel’s bodies cover me, their warm, heavy weight crushing the air from my lungs until I can’t breathe. Struggling to sit up, the sounds of bedlam return, assaulting my ears with a mighty roar. Kids and teachers pour from the building. Their shouts of fear and shock echo all around me. Mr. Abernathy�"the man�"lives. Abandoned by his demon, the slack-jawed shell of the teacher lies in an oil slick. The demon’s long gone, probably seeking another host. Jonah’s huddled on the ground against a car tire, far away from the gun. One eye is already swollen shut and his right elbow protrudes at an odd angle. Wide-eyed with shock, he babbles an apology, �śI’m so sorry Alex. It just went off. I never intended to shoot. I swear!” I start to tell him that everything’s all right�"that I’m not hit�"then I feel the slick, warm pool gathering beneath me. Blood. Derry’s hands pull futilely at my shoulders, trying to get me back on my feet, but I’m still tangled up with Gabriel. Although we’re intertwined, Gabriel’s reassuring hand is nowhere on my body. The blood is slippery as I struggle to disentangle myself from my boyfriend. The whole time he remains motionless, face down on the pavement. For a moment I freeze�"unable to continue�"and then I feel Derry scrambling next to me, prompting me to reach forward with violently trembling hands. He stretches across me, and together we carefully turn Gabriel over. On Gabriel’s chest, a trickle of scarlet gushes in slow motion. There’s a poetry in the way it flows, making it seem not real, a fiction. Numbly I watch, as if from a great distance, as the deadly fountain grows. Then Gabriel shudders. I hear his breath bubble up from the ragged hole over his heart. The world speeds up as I slam back into the noisy, swirling chaos around me. Gabriel is shot�"not me. Him! Not me! �śOh my God!” I drag his upper body onto my lap, holding him as best I can. �śHow bad is it?” His heavenly eyes flutter open and the finality in his gaze is my answer. �śGet an ambulance! Please!” Weakly gripping my hand, he gives me a nearly imperceptible shake of his hand. �śToo late�"” � � � � � �śYou’re not going to die!” �śI can’t die remember.” His laugh is barely a whisper. �śYou’re supposed to protect me!” �śI’ve done what I was meant to do. I’m sorry to leave you.” Leaning close, I cradle his head to my chest, my fingers clawing into his hair, as I will him to live. �śBut you haven’t done anything yet.” �śThe purpose I was sent for�"was this.” �śTo die in front of my eyes?” �śTo take your place, so you could live.” �śYou were sent to die for me?” Hysteria, high and biting distorts my voice. I’m desperate to staunch the flow of blood, as his life gushes through my fingers. Although he can’t die, the outcome is the same�"permanent separation�"the end. �śYou can’t go. I need you!” �śYou have to�"let�"me go, Alexia.” �śNo!” Terrible comprehension spears my heart. I remember his explanation, his gift�"the assignment only he can fulfill. �śYou’ve known all along that you were going to die?” �śIt’s what I was sent to do. It’s my gift.” �śNo!” Stubbornly, I shake my head. �śI love you!” Then Derry’s next to me, his hand around my shoulders. �śDerrick.” Gabriel beckons and Derry leans down, bending his ear to my angel’s mouth. Although straining, I can’t hear what passes between them. Tears roll down Derry’s face as he says, �śI will, Gabriel.” �śPromise!” �śI promise!” Gabriel’s eyes shift to mine. �śAlexia.” His summons is nearly soundless, but I recognize the shape of my name on his lips. Slumping forward to take Derry’s place, a sob hitches in my throat as he whispers my name again, like a prayer of redemption. �śAlexia, you must�"embrace your life�"your purpose. Find your destiny. Embrace it.” �śHow?” On my lips is my need to beg him to live. For me. �śYour gift�"your halo�"is the answer.” �śDon’t leave me!” I try to summon power, but nothing comes. I’m empty and helpless to do anything other than watch him die. His luminous eyes blaze with conviction as he gasps, �śPromise me!” I open my mouth but all that comes out is a raw, wrenching sound of grief. �śPlease�"” His voice is weaker. Between the heaving sobs that tear at my body, I manage to say the words. �śI promise. I promise!” � �śI�"love�"you . I will�"always�"” A spasm cuts through his voice. �ślove�Ś” It’s not like in the movies, a gradual dimming as someone fades away. Gabriel grows brighter and brighter. Blindingly brilliant until my eyes close of their own volition. And then�Ś nothing. The abandoned shell of his mortal body is peaceful, the light absent from his celestial eyes as I permanently close his lids, covering them with anguished kisses. He looks heartbreakingly beautiful, an angel in repose. But I can’t wake him with my kiss�"he’s gone. CHAPTER 18 Gabriel is gone. Although he’s not dead, there’s permanence to his departure. Sometimes gone and dead are the same. Without my anchor, I’m freefalling back toward the ground, plummeting toward my inevitable destiny. The fall seems to last forever as seconds, minutes, and hours run together in a blur of numbed consciousness. Adrift in my isolation, I’m no longer Alex, yet unable to be Alexia. I am nothingness.� At some point, Kate helps me dress. She brushes my hair while I stare into the abyss. Running my fingers down the filmy fabric of my perfect black dress, I can’t help but ask, �śDid you know? When you urged me to get this dress, did you foresee today?” �śNo, Alex.” Gently pulling my hair back from my face into a loose style, unchecked tears roll down her cheeks. �śI would have done anything humanly possible to spare you this pain.” �śI know.” And while she weeps, I can’t shed a single tear. Since Derry separated me from Gabriel’s lifeless body, I’ve been unable to feel. No grief or devastation, just empty. In the cemetery, Gabriel’s assigned family stands dutifully by the graveside, isolated by their pain as they quietly accept condolences. Their tears are genuine. They weep for Gabriel’s sixteen-year-old mortal form. It’s their gift. Their brilliant halos burn my abused eyes and I don’t approach them. Instinctively, I know they’ll soon disappear amidst rumors their sorrow has driven them to relocate. Numb to the emotions flowing around me, I stand alone. Nothing touches me. As the mourners disperse, Nana Kransky comes forward, leaning heavily on Derry’s arm. �śLexi?” Derry’s voice is unnaturally musical, as if addressing a traumatized child. �śNana wants a moment with you.” They’ve taken an instant liking to one another. He doesn’t have any of my hang-ups that would cause him to call her �śma’am” and keep her at a distance. While I continue to stand on the outside, my best friend and the old woman are already family. Nana Kransky pats his shoulder. �śThank you, Derrick. Why don’t you check on Kate and Steven?” When he dutifully walks away, she gives me a knowing look that lifts her arched brows. �śIt is hard to let one’s guardian go�"but they are not ours to keep in this world.” Her words settle heavily in my brain as I struggle through my fog for comprehension. �śYou know?” �śFrom the moment I saw him. So bright. He reminded me of Mikhail, the Seraph who saved my life when I was more girl than woman. But that is a story for another day. There is a purpose to everything that is happening, even if you can’t see it now.” As gently and carefully as possible, she embraces me. �śTime will heal your pain, Alexia. And when it does I will be waiting to help you as best I can.” Nodding, I remain silent until she walks away. I know I should have questions, but it hurts my brain to form them. Thinking is too hard. * Two funerals in as many days. Jonah’s too busted up to go to Becke’s memorial, four broken ribs and a shattered humerus in his arm. He’ll have to stand trial for having the shooting, even though the gun came from Mr. Creepy’s glove box. Mr. Dunning thinks he can get him off because of emotional duress, but it doesn’t seem just. It’s not what Becke and Gabriel would want. Jonah’s suffered enough. Everyone knows about Mr. Creepy�"what he did�"not only to Becke, but to Kendra as well. They call him sick, mentally ill, crazy. But I am the only one left who remembers his true form. Remembers the demon that’s out there somewhere, feeding off a new host. That night, after hanging my perfect black dress back in the closet for good, I fall into an exhaustion-induced sleep. In my dream, the funerals happen simultaneously�"just a stone’s throw apart. And Jonah’s healed enough to attend. Gabriel and Becke are there. Their halos are blinding as they weave among the tightly knit clusters of their mourners, whispering words of encouragement. As the services conclude, they drift away from their friends and family to find each other in the middle of the hallowed ground. Hand in hand, they walk away from their loved ones and toward the beckoning light of the horizon. They are at peace. I watch their retreat until they vanish into the glow of the setting sun. I wake from the dream into the darkness�"momentarily disoriented�"before the grief rushes in. Battering me with the force of a hurricane, it tears a ragged sob from my throat. �śLexi.” Derry’s voice. In the dark, I can barely make out his lean form, sitting quietly in the corner of my room. Forcing myself to speak�"it’s an unwelcome effort�"I ask, �śWhat’re you doing here?” �śWatching over you.” His reply is achingly gentle. �śOh.” �śAnd I won’t go away, so don’t ask. I’m not leaving you.” You should, I think. If you stay, I’ll destroy your life just like Gabriel’s. As if reading my mind, he says softly, �śIt’s not your fault.” His words, my sorrow, the crushing pain of Gabriel ripped from my life crash over me. Grief roars, flexing its claws and gnashing its sharp teeth. Turning away from Derry, I give myself over to the beast, letting it devour my bones just like the demon from my nightmares. Whoever I am�"Alex, Alexia, or other�"ceases to be. All that remains is wretchedness. Something broken and useless. Through my sobbing, I feel the bed shift, sag slightly, and then Derry curls around me, and gathers me into the constancy of his embrace. His grip is tight, and I think I’ll shatter irrevocably into a million pieces, if not for him holding me together. I pray for him not to let me go. As I fade into a weary sleep, I hear Derry’s warm whisper against my neck, as he promises, �śThis too will pass�Ś I’ve seen it.” * For the last few weeks of school, I let Kate drive me. I can’t bear to walk those seven long blocks. But in time I’ll walk them again. Gabriel knew�"did his best to prepare me for the day he would leave. He helped me to accept I have a gift and a destiny to fulfill. And I will continue on�Śfor his sake�Śfor the Fosters and for Derry, who never leaves my side. But not today. Part of me still wants to run away, flee the dark. But that’s no longer who I am. Now I’ve got a family and a destiny. And most of all I have a promise to the boy I love. Although crushed, I’m still stronger than Alex ever was. Inside of me, a power is growing. Sharpening. I will discover the person I’m meant to be, and I will embrace her. I owe Gabriel that much. I owe him everything. The time is coming�"soon I will keep my promise. I will discover my destiny. Then, I have a score to settle. And someone�"or something�"will pay. ### My Dear Reader, If you are in crisis or are considering hurting yourself or others, please know you are not alone. And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get help! Girls & Boys Town National Hotline:� 1-800-448-3000 Youthline 1-877-YOUTHLINE (1-877-968-8454) National Youth Crisis Hotline: 800-442-HOPE (4673) The National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone].SAFE (7233) Crisis Intervention/Suicide Hotline: [phone] I look forward to meeting you the next time I’m in your area! Carey Indie Authors depend on the three R’s from readers: Rate, Review, Recommend. � If you enjoyed this book, please let others know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Acknowledgements � I could not have done this without my amazing author village. Thank you to all the wonderful support from RWA, OVRWA, YARWA, SCBWI. Even when I went rogue you rooted for me. I thank God for you every day. My undying gratitude to my family for enabling me to pursue my dream. Michelle, Tori, Jessie, Mary, Mom, Dad, Gram, Shey, Jani, Josie, Harrison, Athena and above all else Aaron, I love you guys! To Lorie Langdon, my first crit partner, constant spiritual support and the best cowriter in the universe�"I’m still amazed you don’t throat punch me after some of our revision sessions. Thank you seems inadequate. Thanks to my AMAZING crit partners for their hours and hours of labor on this project: Jenn Stark (McGowan), Kristi Cook, and Melissa Landers. I am so proud of your accomplishments! My MargaRITAs: Vanessa Barneveld, Shea Berkley, Shelley Coriell, Kim MacCarron, Jen McAndrews, and Erica O’Rourke. I couldn’t ask for better �śgo to” girls and I thank God for bringing us together. I can’t wait until we can all say �śI knew her when.” Another HUGE thanks to Kim for the editorial work!!! A very special thank you to Meredith Briski: friend, reader and mentor in all things YA and Linda Keller, the wisest woman in the business. Thanks to Brianna Ahearn, Heather Howland, Amanda Brice and so many others in the industry who supported this project and shared their knowledge so generously; to all my hometown Vacaville, CA support. You guys rock!; my super supportive P&Gers: Margaret Szemprech, Carol Wade, Debbie Burress, Beth George, Lorie Jones and Jacque Heisey. An extra special thanks to all the women of OVRWA for becoming my family, but especially Liz Bemis (webmistress divine), Becke Martin, Tonya Kappes, Renee Vincent, Gabriella Edwards, Rosie Murphy, Sienna Condy, Margaret Crowley, Jennette Heikes, Keri Stevens, Donna MacMeans, Gia Dawn, Jen Sokoloski, Christina Wolfer, Mary Ulrich and the heart of our organization, Daphne Wedig. Thank you to Lori Foster and Dianne Castell for being friends, pillars of my local writers group and examples of everything a successful author can be. Also for their labor of love, the annual Reader/Writer Get Together�"a not to miss annual event. Last, but certainly not least, my wildly enthusiastic readers: Ashley Klaserner, Malin Coughlan, Jennifer Heisey and Zoe Jordan. Thanks for being my guinea pigs. And for telling me I don’t suck.;) And the Fray, whose song �śHappiness” is an inspiration for this project. � About the Author � Originally from California, I currently reside four miles from downtown Cincinnati with three badly behaved pets, two delightfully challenging children, and one incredibly supportive soul mate. Since high school, I have bummed around Europe, learned Italian, found a job that I love, and written three novels for teens. Things that haven’t changed since high school: my love of punk rock and Mohawks; infatuation with John Hughes films; feeling like I don’t fit in (unfortunately it doesn’t end with high school) and a love affair with Jane Austen. Things that have changed since high school: love of rollercoasters (not so fun when you get old); having free time; finally knowing what fulfills me as an individual; not caring so much that I don’t fit in. Find me online: http://www.careycorp.com; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/carey.corp; Twitter @careycorp; Blog http://www.careycorp.blogspot.com; and the Facebook The Halo Chronicles: The Guardian fan page. My next book, ECHOES OF NEVERLAND, a romantic, literary continuation of J.M. Barrie’s classic Peter Pan, will be available in August 2011. For more information or to read an excerpt, go to www.careycorp.com Table of Contents Start