WIT OF THE NATION
Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd 2007
Illustrations by Ken Pyne
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor trans-
mitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the writ-
ten permission of the publishers.
Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by
way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or other-
wise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in
which it is published and without a similar condition including
this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
UK
www.summersdale.com
Printed and bound in Great Britain.
Disclaimer
Every effort has been made to attribute the quotations in this col-
lection to the correct source. Should there be any omissions or
errors in this respect we apologise and shall be pleased to make
the appropriate acknowledgements in any future editions.
ISBN: 1-84024-620-0
ISBN 13: 978-1-84024-620-9
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Contents
Editor s Note..............................................................7
Animal Instincts..........................................................9
Artistic Licence..........................................................18
Being Beautiful.........................................................28
Best of British...........................................................38
Between the Sheets...................................................49
Books and Beyond....................................................58
Boys and Girls...........................................................69
Cheap Shots..............................................................80
Death Comes to Us All............................................90
Education, Education, Education.............................98
Fashion of the Day..................................................104
For Better and For Worse.......................................111
Friend or Foe?.........................................................119
Full of Life...............................................................126
Getting on a Bit.......................................................134
Happy Families.......................................................141
Johnny Foreigner.....................................................146
Let s Get Political....................................................153
The L-Word.............................................................164
Manners Maketh Man............................................171
Media Meddling......................................................177
Nine to Five.............................................................186
Pennies and Pounds................................................192
Scientifically Speaking............................................199
Take My Advice.......................................................206
The Trouble with Sin.............................................215
Virtuous Ways.........................................................223
What s Your Poison?...............................................233
The Youth of Today.................................................242
You ve Gotta Have Faith.........................................249
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Editor s Note
When it comes to belly-aching witticisms, no one
does it quite like the Brits.
This wonderful nation has been witness to centuries of
dry politicians, cut-throat comedians, hilarious writers
and a whole host of other fabulously funny people just
waiting to be quoted by the rest of us.
There comes a time when we re all looking for that
classic one-liner to brighten up a dull wedding speech,
impart knowledge to our children or simply make us
sound far funnier than we actually are. If that time is
now, you re holding the right book.
To save you trawling through a lifetime of literature,
we ve compiled the cream of the cackle-worthy crop
for you to feast on. Nestled in the pages of this quotable
collection are wry remarks, poignant ponderings and
ticklesome treats to suit all manner of occasions.
Neatly organised into subject sections ranging from
families, friends and foreigners to manners, money
and media, the hardest thing left for you to do is pick
your favourites.
So sit back, relax and prepare to free your stiff upper
lip  a good old British smirk is just a page away.
7
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ANIMAL INSTINCTS
A horse is dangerous
at both ends and
uncomfortable
in the middle.
Ian Fleming
9
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WIT OF THE NATION
A dog is not intelligent.
Never trust an animal that s
surprised by its own farts.
Frank Skinner
I have a memory like an elephant. In
fact, elephants often consult me.
Noël Coward
Dogs look up to us. Cats look
down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill
10
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ANIMAL INSTINCTS
I am an evil giraffe, and I shall
eat more leaves from this tree
than perhaps I should, so that
other giraffes may die.
Eddie Izzard
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is
because he is fond of you; but
if a cat does the same thing, it is
because your lap is warmer.
Alfred North Whitehead
11
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WIT OF THE NATION
If an army of monkeys were
strumming on typewriters,
they might write all the books
in the British Museum.
Arthur Eddington
Cats have nine lives. Which makes
them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
Man is an animal that makes
bargains: no other animal
does this  no dog exchanges
bones with another.
Adam Smith
12
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ANIMAL INSTINCTS
Animals are such agreeable
friends  they ask no questions,
they pass no criticisms.
George Eliot
You think dogs will not be in
heaven? I tell you, they will be
there long before any of us.
Robert Louis Stevenson
When my cats aren t happy, I m
not happy. Not because I care
about their mood but because
I know they re just sitting there
thinking up ways to get even.
Percy Bysshe Shelley
13
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WIT OF THE NATION
If somebody thinks they re a
hedgehog, presumably you just
give  em a mirror and a few pictures
of hedgehogs and tell them to
sort it out for themselves.
Douglas Adams
Dogs come when they re
called; cats take a message
and get back to you later.
Eloisa James
Deer hunting would be fine sport,
if only the deer had guns.
William S. Gilbert
14
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ANIMAL INSTINCTS
The great pleasure of a dog is that
you may make a fool of yourself with
him and not only will he not scold you,
but he will make a fool of himself too.
Samuel Butler
No human being, however great, or
powerful, was ever so free as a fish.
John Ruskin
The cat could very well be
man s best friend but would
never stoop to admitting it.
Doug Larson
15
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WIT OF THE NATION
If a donkey bray at you,
don t bray at him.
George Herbert
When the eagles are silent,
the parrots begin to jabber.
Winston Churchill
16
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If you eliminate smoking
and gambling, you
will be amazed to
find that almost all an
Englishman s pleasures
can be, and mostly are,
shared by his dog.
George Bernard Shaw
17
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ARTISTIC LICENCE
It is not hard to
understand modern
art. If it hangs on a wall
it s a painting, and if
you can walk around
it it s a sculpture.
Tom Stoppard
18
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ARTISTIC LICENCE
The length of a film should be
directly related to the endurance
of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock
Art, like morality, consists of
drawing the line somewhere.
G. K. Chesterton
Acting is merely the art of keeping a
large group of people from coughing.
Ralph Richardson
19
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