Single Woman In Want Of...
Chapter 1, in which The Author sets the Scene:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of an expensive education must be in want of a job.
Elizabeth Bennett, a beautiful, charming, intelligent, and good-humored girl of 25, lived at home with her parents and her younger sisters. At 18, Elizabeth had moved away from home to go to college in California, but when she saw the price tag of a law school education, she decided to move back home and attend the University of Longbourne College of Law at a fraction of the cost of a big-name school. Elizabeth's mother, Nancy, had attended the law school thirty years ago and was a well-known alumna, so her application for admission was approved almost as soon as it arrived. As an added bonus, her father, a professor of agriculture at UL, was able to arrange his schedule so that father and daughter were able to carpool to campus each day, saving Elizabeth the astronomical cost of a university parking permit.
Elizabeth worked hard in law school, but much to her mother's dismay, was not editor of the Law Review or president of the legal fraternity. However, the hard work paid off, and Elizabeth was named one of the top members of her graduating class. Now all that remained was for her to find a job.
Unfortunately, legal jobs are not quite so easy to come by. Nancy tried to help her daughter by taking her to Meryton Bar Association lunches and happy hours, and introducing her to shareholders at all the major firms in the county. As nice and collegial as these lawyers were, however, they just didn't have any positions open for Elizabeth.
One day Nancy came home from work in an excited mood. “Lizzie! You'll never guess! Darcy & Bingley is opening a branch office here in Meryton! I bet they'll be looking for first-year associates, my dear! Have you got a copy of your resume to send them?”
“Oh, mom! That's wonderful! I'll send them my resume tomorrow,” replied Elizabeth, wishing for the umpteenth time that her mother wouldn't call her `Lizzie'. She knew, however, that it was a battle she would never win.
Chapter Two, in which Elizabeth meets Darcy and gives him an Unflattering Nickname:
One day early the next week, Elizabeth went into town to get a latte and a bagel at her favorite coffee shop. She took the employment classified ads with her to read while she ate. After she got her food, she sat down at a small table in the corner.
As she ate, two men came in and ordered complicated espresso drinks with whipped cream, caramel, and sprinkles. After they paid for their drinks, they sat down in a booth next to Elizabeth. She couldn't help but overhear what they were saying.
“We haven't even opened the office yet, Charles, and we're swamped with resumes from this backwater law school. Who ever heard of University of Longbourne anyway?” said the taller of the men. Elizabeth decided to think of him as “Crankypants”.
“I'm sure there are some very talented young lawyers in the group. Let's just take a look, shall we? We are going to need some associates in this firm,” said the other man. Elizabeth mentally dubbed him “The Nice One”.
“Fine,” grumbled Crankypants. “Here's the first one. Internship with the City Attorney, research assistant for a professor… worked in a toy store? What the hell kind of law student works in a toy store?”
Elizabeth gasped. They were looking at her resume! Those must be the lawyers from Darcy & Bingley! she thought.
“I think it shows she has a sense of humor. She sounds like an interesting person. Why don't we call her in for an interview?” said The Nice One.
“Not a chance. We need serious lawyers, not ones who play around in toy stores instead of being on the Law Review!” declared Crankypants firmly. “Can you imagine the interview? `Oh, Miss Bennett, we'd like to offer you a job, but you'll have to leave your building blocks and pixie dust at home.'” Crankypants snorted. “Not on your life, Charles.
Elizabeth couldn't take it anymore. “Don't you two have an office to trash people in, instead of doing it in public? Like I'd want to work at your smelly old firm, anyway!” she yelled at the men as she stormed out of the café.
The two men looked at each other. “Whoopsie!” they said simultaneously.
“Oh well,” sighed Crankypants. “There are still six hundred resumes to go. Charles, I think I'll need a refill.”
When Elizabeth got home, she told her parents what had happened. Nancy was appropriately outraged. Together they swore to never have anything to do with the law firm of Darcy & Bingley ever again.
Chapter 3, in which Elizabeth gets her first Job Offer
A few weeks after the Incident in the Coffee Shop, Elizabeth received a telephone call from Billy Collins, from the law firm of DeBourgh & Associates, asking for an interview at her earliest convenience. The firm was in Hunsford, a city two hundred miles away, but Elizabeth had nothing better to do, so she agreed to be there at ten o'clock the next morning. She hung up the telephone and called her best friend, Charlotte Lucas, only to discover that her friend had an interview with the same firm at 2 o'clock the next afternoon. The two friends made arrangements to carpool and share a hotel room.
Elizabeth's interview started off badly. She overslept, and had to rush to make it to the interview on time. The building was very grand, and the firm occupied the top floor. When she arrived at 9:58 am, Billy Collins was pacing in front of the elevator. “She doesn't like to be kept waiting, you know!” he snapped in greeting. Shaken, Elizabeth followed him into a gigantic conference room and sat down at the enormous polished table.
“Not there!” Collins nearly squeaked. “That's where Catherine sits.” Elizabeth obligingly moved down one seat.
After forty-five minutes, Catherine DeBourgh made her entrance. “Tell me, Miss Bennet, why should I hire you?” she asked as she sat down.
Elizabeth launched into her prepared speech about her writing and research skills, her ability to learn quickly, and her love of the law. She was interrupted with:
“Yes, yes. But this is all very boring. Tell me, what are your hobbies?”
A little confused, Elizabeth replied that she enjoyed hiking, knitting, bowling (she was the 1998 regional champion in her division!) and yoga.
“Regional champion, you say? Well, you'll never make it to Nationals if you don't practice. Do you practice?”
“Not often, ma'am. I gave up competitive bowling some time ago,” Elizabeth answered, wondering how the hell they had gotten on the topic.
“I love bowling, if you must know. If I ever played, I'm sure I would bowl a 300,” said Catherine.
“Yes! Yes! I'm sure you would, Catherine,” simpered Billy. Elizabeth had forgotten he was in the room.
Catherine preened. “Thank you, Billy. Miss Bennet, I'm looking for someone who will work hard, anticipate my every desire, and cater to my bizarre whims. In return, I will pay you a meager salary and provide you with snacks of every description, so you will never need to leave your desk for lunch. Finally, and this is non-negotiable, I must insist that you start off at the bottom of the food chain. For the first six months of your employment, you will be the janitor. If you do well, then I may consider promoting you to mail clerk or possibly the court runner. What do you say to that?”
Elizabeth laughed uneasily. “Ms. DeBourgh, I was under the impression that I was interviewing for an attorney position. I have a J.D. and I am a member of the state bar, you know. I was really hoping for a legal job.”
“Well, this is how things are done here at DeBourgh & Associates. Take it or leave it. And make up your mind quickly, so I don`t have to waste any more of my billable hours talking to you,” snapped Catherine.
“Don't forget about the snacks! The snacks really are divine,” added Billy. Elizabeth thought he'd probably been indulging a bit too much, from the looks of him.
“I think I'll leave it, thanks all the same,” said Elizabeth. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. She had wanted so badly for this interview to work out.
“Very well, then. It's for the best. You obviously can't handle a high-stress environment such as this. May I give you a piece of unsolicited advice? Don't go into litigation. You clearly weren't meant to be a lawyer. In fact, I think I'll see to it that you never work in this state again!” With that, Catherine swept out of the room, with Billy Collins right on her heels, apologizing profusely for his failure to anticipate that Elizabeth would not accept the position.
Elizabeth began to sob. She thought, without a doubt, that this had been the most miserable hour of her life. More miserable than the time she broke her wrist and eliminated herself from professional bowling for good. More miserable than the day she buried her pet hamster, Fitzy. It was even more miserable than taking the bar exam.
Chapter 4, in which Darcy rides in on his White Horse
As soon as she got herself under control, Elizabeth realized that she was still in the conference room. She gathered up her briefcase and left the room, only to be confronted by Billy Collins at the end of the hallway.
“Yeah, um, I'm sorry things didn't work out, but would you mind terribly if I asked you to use the service elevator? There are a few clients in the waiting room, and Catherine says it's bad business to have them see someone leaving our offices in tears,” explained Billy.
Elizabeth could only stare at the man. Another time, perhaps, she might have fought with him, but her spirit was broken. Dumbly, she nodded, and turned to follow Billy to the service elevator, when she heard a shout behind her.
“Wait! Collins, what are you doing?” asked a man's voice.
Elizabeth turned around again, and was shocked to see Mr. Crankypants striding toward them. She looked at him, then at Billy Collins, only to see the latter turn visibly pale.
“Mr. Darcy! I'm, um, showing this young lady to the elevator. The service elevator. You know, in the back. She's crying, and we can't have crying in our lobby. Catherine always says, `Project an image of success,' and crying people are not successful,” Billy babbled. “But I forgot to ask after you, sir! How are you? And how is business at your illustrious firm?”
Elizabeth was shocked. Crankypants was actually the Darcy of Darcy & Bingley! She turned bright red at the memory of the scene she'd made in the coffee shop.
“Collins,” growled Mr. Darcy. “This is no way to show compassion. Miss, follow me, please. Is there anything I can get you? Some water? I'm William Darcy, and I don't work here, but my aunt owns this firm and I'm sure they are doing the best they can for your case. Don't worry. Even if you've lost, I'm sure you'll find grounds to appeal.”
Elizabeth laughed weakly. “I'm not a client, Mr. Darcy. I just interviewed for a job here.” She accepted his handkerchief and blew her nose. “It was a less-than-stellar performance,” she explained.
William Darcy nodded sagely. He'd heard horror stories about the lawyer sweatshop that his aunt ran. But this young woman seemed familiar…
“You yelled at me last week in the café in Meryton!” he exclaimed.
“Yes. Sorry about that. Also not my finest hour,” confessed Elizabeth.
“You're all dressed up. I didn't recognize you. And really, I should apologize for that little scene at the café. I had no business saying those things, in public or private.” He smiled. “And you can call me William.”
Elizabeth extended her right hand. “Elizabeth Bennet.” They shook hands.
Billy Collins twitched nervously. “Mr. Darcy, I was under strict orders to see this woman out. And your aunt is waiting for you in her office. You know how she hates to be kept waiting.”
William looked at Billy with disgust, and said curtly, “Tell Catherine some business just came up. I won't be joining her for lunch today.”
Billy still looked nervous, but now a ray of hope glimmered on his face. “Her lunch plans are cancelled! She won't like that, but maybe I can get her to take me instead!” he whispered to himself and skipped down the hallway, out of sight.
Elizabeth watched him go. “That is the creepiest guy I've met in a long time,” she remarked.
“Indeed. Elizabeth, I'd like to take you to lunch, if you're free. I think we have something to discuss,” said William.
Chapter 5, in which Elizabeth and William Resolve Issues
William and Elizabeth sat across from each other at Gardiner's Bistro, home of the meanest steak this side of the Mississippi. For that matter, it served the meanest steak on the other side of the Mississippi, too. It was a chain restaurant, but that didn't matter to either William or Elizabeth. They were just hungry (especially Elizabeth, who had skipped breakfast to make it to her interview on time). In the car on the way to the restaurant, Elizabeth filled William in on the details of her interview.
“William, this is really very nice of you to take me to lunch after the nasty things I said to you in Meryton,” began Elizabeth. “It's even nicer of you to sit here with me when I know I must look like a drowning raccoon.” Elizabeth attempted to wipe some the mascara off her face with a damp napkin, but only managed to smear it further.
William laughed. “It's really not that bad, but don`t rub it with that paper napkin. You'll only turn your eyes redder. Here, use my handkerchief.” He passed a soft white handkerchief across the table, and Elizabeth soon succeeded in looking more like herself.
“I hate it that Catherine DeBourgh was able to make me cry like that. I`m so embarrassed,” she confessed.
“Don't worry about my aunt,” said William. “She likes to lord it over younger lawyers, and the state bar lets her, because she has more money than God. But she doesn't have nearly as much influence as she used to.”
Elizabeth managed a weak smile. “So what you're saying is, I might be able to work in this state someday after all?”
“Actually,” William said as he squirmed a bit in his seat (he hated being wrong!), “I'd like it if you would come and work for me at D&B.”
“You're offering me a job?” asked Elizabeth incredulously. “Why now?”
At that moment, their lunches arrived. Elizabeth dived into her food, giving William a chance to formulate his thoughts. He knew he needed to tread carefully.
“After our encounter at Bagelmania, I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. I took another look at your resume, and you're more than qualified. We need someone with spirit in our office, and I really think you could liven the place up a bit.” William noticed Elizabeth's smile fade.
“But what about my appalling lack of work experience?” she asked with a challenge in her voice.
“I also know something of the professor you worked for, and I respect her a great deal. We had lunch last Thursday, and talked of almost nothing but you. She had a great deal to say about both your strengths and your weaknesses.” William paused to taste his lunch. It was delicious. “You must admit, Professor Austen is candid. I think I have a good idea of what you are capable of, and I have every confidence that you'll be a great asset at Darcy & Bingley.”
Elizabeth couldn't believe her good fortune. “So when do you want me to start?” she asked excitedly.
“Not for a few weeks. You'll need to make some arrangements, I imagine, because I want you to work at our corporate headquarters in Lambton,” explained William.
Stunned, Elizabeth could only repeat, “Lambton?”
“Yes, unless that's a problem for you. Since you were interviewing for jobs in Hunsford, I didn't think you were really looking to stay in Meryton. Did I make a wrong assumption?” asked William nervously.
“No, no, no. Lambton will be fine,” Elizabeth assured him. “Actually, it will be a bit of a relief. My mother is a lawyer, and two lawyers in the same house tend to drive each other nuts.”
“Very true,” observed William. They ate in silence for a few minutes.
“Have you filled the positions in Meryton?” asked Elizabeth. She was thinking of recommending Charlotte for the position, now that she was a member of the firm.
William nodded. “Yes. My partner, Charles Bingley, will be staying in Meryton to supervise the new office, and I believe he hired a Jane somebody. I'm sure you know her. Tall, black, very beautiful, very smart. I believe she was in your class?”
“Jane Bennett!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “Of course. Everyone always thought we were related, since we have the same last name, but of course we aren't.” Elizabeth's eyes twinkled as she pushed up her sleeve to reveal her pale skin. “She's wonderful, though. I'm sure she'll do very well. I only asked, because I know another lawyer who is looking… Charlotte! Oh, no. I forgot to warn her!”
William was confused by the outburst. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
“Only that my best friend Charlotte has an interview with Catherine DeBourgh in,” Elizabeth checked her watch, “twenty minutes. Excuse me, but I have a phone call to make.” She stepped outside of the restaurant and punched the speed dial code for Charlotte's cell phone.
To Elizabeth's relief, Charlotte answered her phone. “Char, you have to call off that interview with DeBourgh. She's insane!” said Elizabeth, by way of greeting.
“I was just about to call you. I've already cancelled the interview. Dad just called, and I got that job in Washington! I knew Dad's contacts at the Capitol would pay off someday!” gushed Charlotte. “But wait, your interview didn't go well?”
“Oh, she offered me a job, alright. As the janitor.” Elizabeth quickly brought her friend up to speed, and basked in the sympathy for a horrid interview and the congratulations on her new job at Darcy & Bingley. The two friends made arrangements to meet after lunch to drive back to Meryton.
Maybe they could stop by the Indian casino on their way home, mused Elizabeth. After all, it did appear to be her lucky day, and those student loans weren't going to just pay themselves…
The End
Epilogue, in which The Deserving live Happily Ever After
With the fortune she and Charlotte won at the blackjack tables on their way home from Hunsford, Elizabeth was able to pay off her student loans, buy a fabulous new wardrobe, and put down a nice deposit on a charming two-bedroom condo in Lambton. She was promoted to partner after five years at Darcy & Bingley. She entertained occasional crushes on her (very hot) boss, William, but decided not to act on her feelings on the grounds that it would be unprofessional. She eventually met and married a nice man named Tom, who made a tasty latte and took her bowling every Saturday night.
William was a great lawyer and won many important cases. He was eventually appointed to the state Supreme Court. Despite the occasional crushes he entertained on his (extremely pretty) employee, he married a woman named Caroline, who kept herself busy while William was at work by teaching aerobics, going to lunch, and shopping.
Charlotte's job at the United States Senate was extremely useful to her for making contacts. After her boss was forced to resign due to his fondness for cocaine and under-aged girls, she opened her own law office and became one of Washington's most in-demand lawyers. She and her girlfriend, Anne, adopted and raised three beautiful children.
Catherine DeBourgh was sued for malpractice, and the judgment wiped her out, financially and mentally. She was forced to give up her law practice and fire most of her employees. The only one she kept was Billy, who spent the rest of his days flattering his employer. He died suddenly one day when he was attacked by killer bees.