When All Love Must Be in Vain

By Meg Marisa

Jump to new as of December 10, 2001
Jump to new as of March 4, 2002
Jump to new as of March 30, 2003

"Darcy made no answer. He seemed scarcely to hear her, and was walking up and down the room in earnest meditation, his brow contracted, his air gloomy. Elizabeth soon observed, and instantly understood it. Her power was sinking; everything must sink under such a proof of family weakness, such an assurance of the deepest disgrace. She could neither wonder nor condemn, but the belief of his self-conquest brought nothing consolatory to her bosom, afforded no palliatation of her distress. It was, on the contrary, exactly calculated to make her understand her own wishes; and never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved him as now when all love must be in vain."

Chapter 1

Posted on Friday, 19 October 2001

He had left and I had returned home. And what I found there was much worse than I could have ever imagined. The whole house was turned upside down. My uncle went immediately to London to help his brother in law search. A week later my father returned with nothing to report. Another week passed and still their whereabouts remained a mystery. August came and still we had no word on where Lydia and Wickham were. My uncle had exhausted all his contacts and still we did not know their whereabouts. My mother was close to putting herself into a coma and my father became more and more depressed. Jane and I were what kept the family together.

After almost two months of not knowing my uncle finally made a discovery. He found out their original address when they first came to London. From the landlady he discovered, that three weeks after their arrival Wickham had left Lydia with no money. She was evicted and was somewhere wandering London. At least it was something.

In the first week of October my uncle found her in a poor house. She was deathly ill and with child. My uncle immediately removed her to his house where they would try to nurse her back to health. She survived long enough to bear her child and then died, although she was considered by society dead long before the actual event. My mother was in a fit, fainting constantly as a result of loosing her favourite daughter. My father's mourning was more private. He felt as though he had failed as a father. That this was his fault.

Wickham had disappeared without a trace and Lydia was buried and life began to piece itself back together. Mr. Bingley returned to Netherfield in the fall and to great surprise called on us again with the same great civility as before. Soon after his return he made his addresses to Jane, which were heartily accepted and readily agreed to by all. Mr. Darcy came to the wedding and acted as best man but he left the next day. He was as cold and proud as ever and seemed very displeased with his surroundings. I felt utterly hopeless. I was now certain that what I felt for him was love and yet now all love for him must be in vain.

Chapter 2

Posted on Friday, 19 October 2001

I somehow managed to make through each day. Pouring myself into the simplest of tasks just to occupy my mind and time. I consumed myself with books and the pianoforte in attempts to forget what might have been. Thankfully I also had my young niece, Margaret, to occupy my time. We took her in after Lydia's death and I became the only mother she would ever know. Jane and Charles moved to Derbyshire a year after their marriage and a year after that their first child was born: a boy, much to the delight of both parents. Mary soon after married one of my Uncle Philips clerks. Both Kitty and I were frequently invited to go and stay with Jane. I went once for three weeks while Kitty stayed more frequently and after Henry was born she went to help Jane for six months, which turned into a year, which turned into a marriage with a local vicar.

That event left me alone in the world. My mother gradually became calmer about marriage and even started to accept that I still was not married. My father welcomed my company yet was quickly losing his good humour and health. My three sisters were all extremely happy and all had fine children.

My mother died the year after Kitty's marriage. Even though I found her annoying most of the time I did miss her. My father and I with my niece continued to live peacefully and well within our economy so that I would have a small inheritance and my niece would have a proper dowry when my father died.

I began to consider what I would do after my father died. I didn't want to live with any of my sisters. Surrounded by there happiness would stab at my heart all too painfully, and keenly remind me of what I had lost. Fortunately I didn't have to think about this for a while more. My father died 14 years after my mother.

Chapter 3

Posted on Friday, 26 October 2001

After the Collins' took possession of the estate, my niece and I went to live with Jane until I could find something more permanent for us. Mr. Collins was kind enough to allow Margaret and I to make use of his new "humble abode" until we found a more permanent situation, but even Charlotte's happiness was too much for me to bear and we left within a week of the funeral.

Margaret was wild with excitement. She had never traveled in the north or seen her Aunt's house. She had once been to London, but had not attended any balls there; much to her disappointment but she still was too young. She took pleasure in most of the same pastimes that her mother did, but by way of a stricter and more educational bringing up, she was more sensible and refined in her tastes and her fancies were not given any indulgence by my father. My father made quite sure his follies were not repeated twice.

I was determined not to stay long at Jane's, as I did not wish to be a burden to my sister and her husband. Yet still another thought kept me from staying; Jane's house was not 20 miles from Pemberley.

This fact plagued me more than any other aspect of the project. For my own part, I felt myself almost over the disappointment of not seeing him again all those years ago; yet, I suppose (if I were to be sensible about it) in a way I never did get over it, I had only convinced myself that I had. In a very apparent way (a least to myself) he was the reason I never married. I could never picture myself with anyone else except him.

Of course, I never divulged this information to any one, but it was always very real and present to me. I never really could hate him after I received his letter, as it removed two thirds for my reasons for hating him: one that he was really not the one at fault in regards to his dealings with Mr. Wickham, and two that he really was not so proud and arrogant as I had originally suppose him to be. And then after my first meeting him at Lampton I was almost certain I loved him. By the time I left Lampton and after what Wickham did and with Charles marrying Jane I had nothing left but to feel affection for him. All my former prejudices were removed and yet I would never be able to obtain the prize. Never be rewarded for my endeavors to change myself, to be worthy of a man worth changing for.

I knew that he had married. It was to be expected of a man with his status and family pride. Quite by chance, about three years after Jane and Charles were married, I had decided to by the London Times while walking in Meryton one day. I brought it home and started to flip through the pages leisurely quickly scanning the headlines with an indifferent eye, when a familiar name caught my eye. At first I did not believe what I was seeing then when I took the time to read it carefully...

There it was in black and white: This past Sunday, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy esq. of the estate of Pemberley, in the country of Derbyshire, was wed to née Miss Gorham, daughter of Lord Gorham, Earl of York, of the estate of Ripplemore, in the country of Suffolk.

I stared at it for nearly ten minutes, letting the meaning of the words take there full effect on my senses. At first I was to shocked to react but when I did... First I folded the paper back up, then as calmly as I could, I tried to stand up and go to my room (I needed to be alone), but this action failed me. I had difficulties physically lifting myself out of the chair and when I succeeded I could not stand without holding firmly to the table. The whole room seemed to spin about me. I soon collected myself enough to be able to make a slow ascent to my chamber. When I was locked safe in my room, the tears began to flow freely. I cursed my impertinence, my stubborn pride, his stubborn pride, my prejudices, and my stupid sister and her daring thoughtless escapades. I cried strait to dinner and at dinner excuse myself early. I felt physically sick. I could not eat. My father even threatened to call the apothecary. After this I collect myself tolerably well and resumed my every day routine. I could not figure what was worse: the last day I met him in Lampton when I realized I loved him or the day I read the wedding announcement when I realized all my love was in the pursuit of vain hopes and wishes that would never be.

Chapter 4

Posted on Friday, 26 October 2001

Our first week at Petaford passed quietly with nothing of significance happing. Margaret took delight in the wilds of the country and being a fine horsewoman, and Mr. Bingley keeping ample horses, she found the greatest delight in riding about the estate. I took solace in the fact that I could see my dear sister again after all these years. We spent our days walking leisurely around the park, talking about the past, the present and more importantly the future. I was Margaret's guardian. True we were independently wealthy, but she needed more then just money to situate herself in the world. She needed to be brought into society, she needed someone who was familiar with the ways of courtship and marriage and by all accounts I felt I was the last person in the world that was qualified to teach her that. Look at how I had messed up my own happiness! No, I would not let her lose the last chance at happiness that she would have. She had suffered too much at such a young age already.

Jane and I thought it best if she spent half a year or so in Derbyshire. She would live with Jane and Charles, who in my opinion were very capable, and Charles was already planning to go to London for the season and there she would make her debut to society. I was sorry to miss her coming out, but I knew in my heart that if I didn't break away now and find a new occupation that it would be harder for me when she married. For so long she had been what kept me going, but I knew this was for the best so Jane and I told her strait away of our plan.

"Meg, dear. How would you like to stay with Aunt Jane and Uncle Charles for a while?"

"How long is a while?" She answered with a sly smile.

"About six months to a year, however long you like. If you are willing, they will also take you to London for the season so you can be properly presented to society."

"You mean I get to go to a ball in London?! I get to go to the theatre!?" Her face lit up so vividly at this declaration. It was as if I had offered her Ł10,000 to go shopping with.

"Yes Meg. What do you think?"

"Of course, and you'll come to right, Aunt Lizzy?"

"No darling. You know very well that if I don't stop taking care of you now I may never be able to. You have been my occupation these past 17 years and if I don't occupy myself with something new, I will never find anything and will go quite mad without you."

"Oh but you must come. Who will I be able to talk about all the gentlemen I meet with?"

"I'm sure your Aunt Jane will gladly lend an ear to your girlish fancies."

"Yes, but she's married your not. You can look she can't."

"Alright that's enough. Go to bed. You're going to have to get plenty of beauty rest before you go to London if you want any young man to consider you tolerable enough to dance with."

"Your lucky that I've lived with you all my life. Most people's pride would be deeply bruised by that comment. Goodnight Aunt Jane. Goodnight Aunt Lizzy."

And with that Margaret left us. Yet her words still rang in my head. The words had been uttered over 18 years ago and under very different circumstances, yet her analysis of them reminded me acutely of what might have been if not for my hurt pride over an idle remark that was not even intended for me to hear.

Chapter 5

Posted on Saturday, 10 November 2001

A week after my arrival Jane informed me that we had been invited to Pemberley for dinner the following evening. I was all confusion. My mind was sent into a tale spin. After so many years, how could I face him? He had was married and I still loved him so much that I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him with an adoring wife on his arm. If Jane noticed my agitation, she said nothing. So I reluctantly consented and the next day Charles, Jane, and I traveled to Pemberley.

It was still as beautiful as I remembered; a perfect balance of nature and architecture. Neither overpowering the grandeur of the other. When we arrived we were shown into the drawing room where Mr. Darcy was waiting to receive us. He was all politeness even to me, which was the greatest shock of all. I was uncomfortable as anything you could imagine but I soon composed myself. I would not let him see that I was so weak as to hold resentment over actions that took place 18 years ago.

Georgiana was visiting her brother and also came to greet us. She apologized for her tardiness and greeted us all very warmly. I was truly very happy to see her again. She was always a charming girl. She introduced us to her husband Mr. Ashland. Then she told her brother that the children were playing upstairs, he nodded and we were then led into the dinning room.

Conversation was lively and although I didn't speak with Mr. Darcy directly, I heard in his voice the same airs that were present in him the last time I visited Pemberley. My mind was burning with a thousand questions but I dared not ask them. After dinner we separated: men to the study, women to the drawing room. This gave me a better opportunity to become reacquainted with Georgiana and to better compose myself and relax after being the company of Mr. Darcy. She told me about all the things that had happened to her since I had last seen her. This of course brought back memories that I had fought so hard to repress, but the awkwardness soon ended and I truly began to enjoy my conversation with her. She told me of how she met her husband and the life that they had built together with their children. She also spoke of her brother and her nephew and niece. She told me about his wife but the way Georgiana spoke of her seemed odd and I couldn't quite place what is was that was amiss in her speech. Finally, with almost tears in her eyes, she apologized and commented that I must have already heard this all from my sister and the circumstances of Mr. Darcy's life now. I replied that she was quite wrong and that I truly hadn't heard anything about her brother after his marriage. She seemed shocked and made to tell me something else quite urgently but a she was speaking the first words the gentlemen returned.

Though my awkwardness only lasted a few moments I still could not bring myself to directly converse with Mr. Darcy. He seemed so happy and I felt utterly lost and alone in the world. Georgiana didn't attempt to speak to me again and I was glad in a way because I felt that it was some matter of delicacy that she wished to relate. So I sat in my seat for the remainder of the night and listened so enviously to all the happy couples as they discussed not the courtly rights of old but of their families and children. Their present happiness. About two hours later we returned home.

Sleep evaded me for much of the night as I tried to collect my thoughts and to suppress my burning questions. I was glad that this first meeting had taken place in such a way, as it prevented my having to be in an entirely uncomfortable position where I would have been forced to converse with him at length. Still I was all curiosity about where his wife was and more importantly what Georgiana had to tell me. I was still at a loss about what it could possibly be.

I knew this arrangement couldn't last. Margaret was soon to go to London and I had to find an occupation to fill my days. So I resolved to speak with Charles in the morning. I didn't know what I would do but I was resolved to so something and Charles seemed to be the best person available for advice in the matter. You can imagine my surprise then when Charles approached me the next morning and asked to speak with me about my plans. He said that he had an offer of service for me but he was unsure if I would take it. I was delighted and to confess it was exactly what I wished, but then I found out the particulars of the position.

Mr. Darcy's daughter had just turned ten and he was looking for a governess and last night after dinner; upon hearing this Charles took the liberty of relating to Mr. Darcy my situation. Mr. Darcy was favourable to Charles' idea and would willingly hire me if I were willing. Again I was all astonishment. Why me of all people would he trust his daughter to? Charles perceived my circumstance and volunteered to make know to me, under the strictest confidence, Mr. Darcy's history these past 18 years as he thought it might make clearer his actions and wishes.

He was married three years after Jane to a Miss Gorham. This I knew. A year later a son was born. Four years after that his daughter was born. His wife almost died the day after she gave birth; she had lost so much blood during the delivery. While they had never got along entirely well, Darcy was sorely concerned for her health. She somehow fought her growing weakness and continued to survive, despite what the doctors said. She could not walk across a room without some form of assistance. This state of health continued for three years. Then she somehow caught influenza. That she didn't die form this was a miracle. Yet even though she had survived it was a slim survival and she became bedridden. Her health declined steadily from here and then finally five years after her daughter was born she died. His son is now fourteen and his daughter ten. The result of this you may guess had a great effect on me. I knew not what to think. Charles told me to think about it and to tell him tomorrow.

I spent the whole day walking the grounds considering what I had herd and what it meant to me. I kept wondering why he would ask me. Did he pity me? I couldn't tell. I began to consider what it would mean if I did take this position. I would be living in his house a subordinate of him. Teaching his flesh and blood by another women. It was almost too much for me to bear. Yet then I thought about what Charles had said about their relationship. How they really didn't get along well and how she truly adored her children and how he only mourned her for their sake. I also remembered how this little girl had really never known her mother. I sympathized. I have seen first had how that kind of trauma affects a young girl in Margaret. I decided to try it; if it didn't work out I would leave.

I gave Charles my answer the next morning and he immediately sent word to Pemberley. Mr. Darcy was prompt to respond and I was to start in week. Mr. Darcy said that he had to leave on business so he would not be there when I moved in and met his children. He apologised for the inconvenience saying it was a very important matter that could not be delayed. In a way I was thankful for this but it was also a little awkward.

Margaret was upset that I would be leaving her so soon and that I would miss her departure to London.

"I'm not selling myself into slavery. I will be able to come and see you before you leave."

"But I will have no one to talk to for the next three weeks."

"First, I am not leaving for another week and second you are leaving two weeks after that and will not even have time to think of me."

"Yes, but why must you go and work for Mr. Darcy? I'm sure there are a hundred other girls who would be willing to take the job."

"Meg. You know me. It won't be forever and you will see me again. I need to do this Meg."

"Just promise me that you will be happy again. That you will find what you are looking for. Aunt Lizzy, I want to see you happy for once."

"Darling I am happy why did you ever think otherwise?!"

"It just always seems as if something is missing from you laugh, that there is a deep sadness in your eyes, that you are always for off in another world that is long past."

"You my child have read to many romances."

"Perhaps, but I can still take off my rose coloured glasses and see facts as thy are."

"You were always too smart. Don't know where you got that from. Certainly not from your mother." And as I let the words spill form my mouth I realized what I had said: she didn't know who her mother was and we had no wish for her to know.

"Aunt Lizzy, who is my mother?"

"No one dear. It's not important. What we need to go do now is pack."

"Please. You can't keep expecting me to believe your story that papa was my real father and that you and Aunt Jane are my aunts."

"Why ever not?"

"I know that if my father is yours you wouldn't be my aunt."

"Well you were so much younger then us so we just had us call us aunt."

"I know that you are lying. I can see it in your eyes. I'm part of the reason that you're so sad all the time. Please tell me. I'm an adult now and I want to know the truth."

"Meg, you are an incredible child and I suppose your right that you should know the truth but not now. I'm not ready to tell you yet. Listen, go and have a wonderful time in London, and when you come back I promise I'll tell you. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Now lets go pack."

Margaret didn't bother me on this subject for the rest of the week and in a week as scheduled I left for Pemberley.

Mr. Darcy's daughter's name was Catherine and she was delightful a little girl as ever I met. Shyness seems common in their family as both she and her brother were exceedingly so. We soon fell into a comfortable routine of classes and fun with time to spare for me. Catherine was very intelligent for her age and I fell in love with her. Both children worshiped their father but I soon learned he was seldom home and did not spend much time with them. He was always in London on business.

Chapter 6

Posted on Saturday, 10 November 2001

I began to feel happy again. I had a purpose in life. I took great delight in becoming lost on the grounds, wandering through groves and woods on lazy afternoons after class was dismissed. Perhaps all this just reinforced my love for Mr. Darcy even more but it wasn't a confusing and unsettling love like before, this was a pure, raw love that I knew I would never be able to escape.

Margaret left with Charles and Jane for London as planned two weeks later. I was able to return to Petaford for her departure and again reassure all her doubts. I was saddened to see her go but I knew that I couldn't keep her to myself forever and that thins was for the best. I was glad though that I had an occupation to return to, to keep my mind off Margaret's departure.

About two months after I began I was walking leisurely by the pond when not ten feet in front of me appeared Mr. Darcy. Memories of the last time we met like this flooded back to me. Him in his wet shirt, hair tousled...I quickly recovered myself and greeted him. He seemed just as shocked, but also recovered himself quickly. He automatically offered his arm to me and we walked on together. He expressed his gratitude in my taking the position. He also hoped his children were not giving me too much trouble. I assured them they were anything but. I also apologized for the death of his wife. He thanked me, said how it was very hard on James and Catherine and then we continued on in silence.

"I never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was to hear about your sister's death," he finally said, breaking the silence between us.

"Don't be, there was nothing you could have done." These words seemed to pierce him and he noticeable winced but then composed himself.

"You heard about Wickham I suppose."

"Yes we did."

"Was your niece very upset?"

"She doesn't know her parentage."

"Oh."

"We though it best she didn't know. She believes my father to be hers and I was always her aunt, but she is very smart and doesn't believe it."

"What does she believe?"

"That I am her mother. She is always coming up with wildly romantic stories about who my lover, and consequently her father, was. Some of them are really quite good, in the way of romantic fiction of course."

"And what is her general conclusion about her father?"

"That he was either very poor thus my father wouldn't permit the match, or that he was very rich and thus his family wouldn't permit the match. Depending on he mood she flips between the two. But nowadays, as a result of social education, she says, it is far more likely that he was very rich and when his family found out about my "condition" they threatened to forbid his inheritance and being a time when money is very important he married elsewhere leaving me with a broken heart."

"Intriguing."

"Yes, she would be heartbroken if she found out that my life has had no such luck." At this I actually found myself laughing but my story seemed only to bring more pain to my companion.

"Um...how do you like Pemberley now that it is your home?"

"The same. It is truly as beautiful as I remember."

"I'm glad." Here I thought I caught a glimmer of a smile.

We now reached the house and parted our separate ways.

I saw him very seldom for the rest of the week. He would always be very busy with "a pressing matter of business" in his study. He would usually try to come and listen to Catherine's music lesson. But would never stay long after and rarely say anything except a comment to his daughter. I saw how much this hurt Catherine. She wanted so much to be close to her father and yet with them he seemed to revert right back to his prideful arrogant self. I felt truly sorry for them. I couldn't understand his reasoning and had two remarkable children who only wanted some love and attention but he was to blind even to see that. I was beginning to lose hope that he would ever truly change his ways.

Chapter 7

Posted on Sunday, 9 December 2001

About a week and a half later I was in the library looking for something new to read. I did have to admit that I had never seen such a grand library as the one that Pemberley possessed, but then didn't Mr. Darcy once say that his library was the hard work of many generations? I didn't quite know what I was looking for but that didn't matter much as I could just spend hours on end browsing through the thousands of titles that lined the hundreds of mahogany shelves.

After about an hour of mindless wandering, I was surprised when Mr. Darcy entered the room. Upon seeing me, he stopped in his tracks and stared at me for a moment. Rising to his unspoken challenge, I stared right back into his dark eyes. After a moment he recollected himself, apologized for his intrusion, and made to leave. Without hesitation I spoke clearly enough to gain his attention. I told him it was all right, that he had not interrupted me at all and that he was quite welcome to stay, as it was his library. He silently bowed to thank me, with the most peculiar smile gracing his face, and then proceeded over to a shelf on the opposite side of the room.

He began to glance at the titles in a distant manner, so I turned my back to him, continuing my own search but I could soon sense that he had turned from his search. I could feel his eyes burning on my figure and this made me very uneasy. I was frightened at the presence that he created and the effect that it had on me.

Determined not to let vain hopes bother me, I diverted all my attention to the shelf of books in front of me trying to make sense of the spinning words in front of me. Finally, I worked up the courage to turn around and when I did, I was even more shocked to discover that he was directly behind me. I was too shocked and scared to raise my eyes to his but I felt his eyes burning on my skin. Ultimately I looked up into his eyes, but what a mistake that was.

I was immediately overwhelmed by his raw expression and the intensity of his deep eyes. So deep that I swear that if I looked hard enough that I could see straight into his soul. I thought I was going to fall. My knees became weak, my breath became laboured, and my head started to spin. Tentatively, he brought his hand up to my face and traced my jaw line ever so softly that it could have been a piece of silk carried by the wind. In his face I saw him wrestling with his emotions. He leaned in a little, as if to kiss me and I prepared my self for the sensation but then suddenly recollecting himself again, drew away again. He turned his head from me, stammered an apology and left me alone in the library to try and understand what had just happened.

I was forced to sit down. My mind was thrown into such a state, as I didn't know what to think. Did he harbour some regrets? Could he possibly still have feelings for me? I did not know. I could not tell. I was too confused. I did not see him the rest of the day, nor the next, nor for that matter, the rest of the week. Yet though I did not see him, I felt as if he was watching my everywhere I went. I felt his eyes present on my body, almost as clearly as if his hands were touching me.

Lessons were the one thing that kept my mind off the disturbing presence that Mr. Darcy seemed to have through out the house. We stared at ten o'clock in the morning and went till twelve o'clock in the afternoon, then started again at 1 o'clock in the afternoon for three hours until tea at four o'clock in the afternoon. When I was younger, I was never very accomplished but with all the free time that I had gained and with being in charge of Margaret's education, I have actually greatly improved in a vast many things. Our lessons consist of many things, such as art, music, French, history, geography, and numbers. This particular day we began with French.

"Alright Catherine, conjugate the verb ętre for me."

"Je suis, Tu es, Il est, Nous sommes, Vous etes, Ils sont." She dutifully dictated.

"Tres bien mon petite cheri. Now conjugate the verb faire for me."

"Je fait, Tu fais, Il fais, Nous faisons, Vous faisez, Ils font." She said with a sigh.

"Tres bien. Now conjugate the verb aller for me."

"Je vais, Tu va, Il va, Nous allons, Vous allez, Ils ont."

"Tres bien. Now ..."

"Do we have to do more!? It's so boring repeating verbs conjugations all day."

"Well how else are you going to learn if you don't practice them?"

"I know but I just don't feel like it today. Where is my father?"

"Well you still need to do them and I believe that your father is in his study working on estate business."

"Do you think we could go practice my instrument instead, and ask Papa to came and listen? He's not that busy, do you think?" In her eyes there was a look of longing.

"Why all this sudden interest to play your instrument?"

"I like it when Papa comes and spends time with me and he only comes during my music lessons."

"Ahh, I see."

"Please Miss Bennet?" She pleaded.

"Only if your father's not busy and you promise to do all your verbs tomorrow."

"I will! Thank you! I go ask him directly." And with that she was gone.

I truly felt sorry for her and her brother. Over the past weeks, I had seen first hand what kind of father Mr. Darcy was, and although his children were by no means wanting in any necessities they did lack in matters of affection. Their father was seldom home and when he was they did not see him unless he choose to grace us with his presence during dinner or during a music lesson. Catherine came back with a cheerless look about her.

"Papa has gone out to inspect the fields and won't be back till late."

"I'm sorry dear."

"That's alright. Mrs. Reynolds did say that she thought she understood that he was going to join us for dinner tonight."

I gave her a comforting smile to help her to believe what the housekeeper had said was true. Mr. Darcy never came home for dinner that night.

The next evening, after the children were safely asleep in the nursery, I decided to take a small walk around the house. The beauty of the rooms never ceased to amaze me and I could wander for hours, looking at the history and grace of the decorations. So much history and so much beauty, yet so many painful memories as well.

When I came to the music room I was surprised to hear music and even more surprised to discover that it was Mr. Darcy himself that was the performer of this harmonious sound.

He seemed lost in the swiftness of the music, his hands rapidly running over the keys as if trying to grasp the intangible beauty of its song. He did not know that I was watching him in rapture, spellbound by his trance.

When finally he finished his song and looked up and saw me, his face betrayed a sense of insecurity over being heard. I was sympathetic but at the same time astonished at the fact that I never knew that he played and so well at that. It made me sad in a way and I began to wonder what other talents he possessed that I was unaware.

I felt his eyes on me and I forced myself to speak. "I'm sorry Mr. Darcy. I did not mean to listen in, but I heard you playing and it was so striking that I had to stop and listen. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Do not distress yourself, Miss Bennet. I am just not accustom to being watched without my knowledge. I hope you did not find too much fault with my performance."

"No indeed. It was remarkable extraordinary in fact. I wonder why you never happen to play more often. I know your daughter would be ecstatic for such a chance to here your performance."

"Yes ... well ... I have not the time to engage in such unrewarding activities, as I might like to have. Good evening Miss. Bennet."

"Good evening Mr. Darcy." And with that he left the room.

I wasn't sure how to explain his behaviour. His extremely enigmatic behaviour was beginning to drive me quite mad. I did not know how to interoperate his actions of the past week. One minute I felt that I understood our position, and the next he did something to contradict everything that I thought I understood.

These same type of occurrences happened for the rest of the week. Every time one of his children tried to approach, him he shut himself up and made his vast amount of work his excuse. They were very brave about it and did not seem to let it bother them for too long but one could still tell that there was a melancholy air that resided around them. For myself, I felt nothing but sorrow for the children and nothing but annoyance for their father. I did not understand how he could continually shut out such well-behaved children who clearly adored him beyond treasure. I was resolved to approach him on the subject at some point. I would just have to gain the courage to speak with him civilly long enough without letting my feelings come out.

Chapter 8

Posted on Sunday, 9 December 2001

About a week and a half after our meeting in the library, I was out for an early morning walk before lessons began when Mr. Darcy happened upon me. I had not seen him to speak with him on my resolve so I was slightly pleased with this occasion to do so. He asked if he might join me and I agreed with some caution. I was still very cautious not to let myself become to emotionally involved with him. He offered me his arm and I was startled at first but soon recovered and linked my arm with his. We walked a moment in silence but Mr. Darcy then broke it.

"What book did you chose from the library last week?" he simply said.

"Much Ado About Nothing." I replied.

"Shakespeare. Excellent choice. Did you enjoy it?"

"It was my second reading and I found it delightful as the first time I read it."

"I'm glad to hear it." He seemed distant saying this.

Again we walked in silence then I gathered the courage to break it with my resolve.

"Mr. Darcy, its probably not my place, but I've noticed over the past weeks, that your children worship the ground you walk on and it bothers them immensely when you disappear for weeks at a time and neglect them. When you are home you don't spend time with them and this also greatly disturbs them. Without their mother you are all that they have left and they just want you to spend some amount of time with you. They want to be reassured that they are wanted and cared for by someone."

"I am aware of it, but it's hard sometimes. I have very little patience for children. Also they both remind me so much of their mother."

Without thinking I slipped. "But I thought that you did not love...oh I'm so sorry I should not have presumed ..."

"No don't trouble yourself. You are quite right. While I did respect their mother, I never loved her, as husband ought to love his wife. I could not. Perhaps it was unfair to her but the reason I couldn't love her is because I love another." Here he stopped and fixed his eyes staunch to me. I dared not look at him. I dared not read into the implications of such an action. I tried to focus myself on the task I had set out to discuss, and forget my own desires.

I really did try not to read too much into these words. Yet their effect was still great. "I really should get back, I have to start lessons soon."

"Elizabeth ..."

"Mr. Darcy, please excuse me."

"Elizabeth. Will you meet me here tonight? Right after tea? Please?"

"I really don't know if I should."

"Lizzy ... please ..."

I relented. I knew as I said it that I should not have done so, but I did for selfish reasons. "Yes." I turned around and left. He did not follow me, but again I could feel his eyes on me. Why must he continually do that?!

Due to the circumstances, I had difficulty concentrating during lessons and for the rest of the day. I think Catherine caught on to my discomposure, but she just quietly observed and made her own guesses in her head. Just before after tea I went to meet Mr. Darcy.

As I made to leave, Catherine and James gave me both a saucy knowing smile, thinking they knew the secrets of my discomposure and the purpose of my journey so soon after tea.

I returned their look with a saucy look of my own which caused them to break out into laughter. Rolling my eyes at their antics, I made my way for the door leaving two very curious children to perplex them selves over a most intriguing mystery. At least to them it was an intriguing enigma. To me it was a terrifying situation, which I did not know how I would manage to come out triumph of.

He was already there when I arrived and appeared to be deep in thought. I slowly approached him, unsure of what his actions would be and what mine should be. We greeted each other civilly, though by no means warmly and then he offered his arm to me. I took it and he led me into the woods through various groves. Finally we stopped near a bench in a secluded grove a little ways away from the house but still in view of it for propriety's sake. He asked me to sit for he had something particular to say. I did as he said but I was still very uneasy and felt that my stomach would leave my control any moment.

"Elizabeth, I want to apologize to you and I just hope that my actions have not made it impossible for you to forgive me. I am not quite sure where to begin so I guess that the beginning is the best place.

"That day that I came to see you at the Inn at Lambton, I was planning on renewing my addresses to you. Yet as you know I never got a chance to do that because you had just received news about your sister. Stupidly I again let my pride get in the way and I did not help you when I knew that I alone could have found them. I broke off all connections for unfounded reasons. I have regretted that decision for the past 18 years.

"I know you must be wondering why I did not approach you sooner after I got over my initial anger. My pride again had a role to play in it. I figured you would despise me if you knew that I could have done something yet never did and I was too proud to subject myself to that.

"As you know, eventually I did marry. Again I let my pride rule my life. But you must believe me that not for one instant did my heart every stray for you. My wife was an excellent creature and she deserved better; deserved someone who would have loved her as constantly and steadfastly as I loved you. As I love you.

"Lizzy I know that I have been far form perfect and that my conduct in subject to the severest reproof but I beg of you to forgive me and to allow me some small part in your life. Elizabeth, I love you, completely and forever and whether you have any regard for me or not, I need to know the truth and that I have your forgiveness."

Here he stopped but I did not reply right away yet I knew that I must. I let his words sink in and tried to comprehend their full meaning and implications. Slowly I came to a conclusion and after five minutes of silence, which I can only believe were agony for him, I spoke.

"Mr. Darcy, I thank you for your compliment and your explanations but I can not forgive you, please let me explain myself.

"I truly and believe you had changed while I was in Lampton but then when I did not see you again I knew that you has reverted back to your old ways of pride and arrogance. You told me just know that when you came to see me you were going to propose to me and I tell you now that I would have accepted that proposal." His faced dropped at the declaration in realisation of what he had lost all those years ago. I could see he features become tense and his emotions break. Yet still I continued.

"I have waited for you for 18 years. I have pinned your loss and saved my heart for you. Yet you never came back for me. Yes, I received other proposals but I said no because me heart was another's and to accept them would have been a lie and I am not capable of living a lie, unlike some people. I don't even know when I started to love you anymore, but I do. And that changes nothing! I still cannot forgive you.

"Can you even comprehend the heartbreak you put me through? First by not returning and then by marrying another!? I cried like I have never cried before the day I read the announcement in the paper. You threw my world into a perfect tailspin. I had no rational though for days. So my answer is no: I cannot forgive you your actions. You have caused me too much pain and my world will never be the way it was. If not for Margaret, I am sure that I would have gone mad." He stood there quite deep in thought. Then finally composed trusted himself to speak again.

"Why? Lizzy, I have seen the same look in your eyes that I have had for years over you. That same burning passion, that says that we are meant to be. Don't do this to us. I don't know how I could continue now knowing that you love me and yet are not with me."

"Very easily I dare say. I will never be with you. I wont give in to my weak pride as easily as you give into yours." With this I turned on my heal and made to return to the house.

"Elizabeth wait! I love you! I'm sorry! I want to marry you!" He cried out in vain.

"No Mr. Darcy! I must beg to return to the house. You have importuned me long enough." I ran tears streaming down my face. Everything was blurred. I didn't know what I was doing. I just had to get out of his company. I couldn't let him see me like this. Still after all these years he had the same effect on me.

I could not stay in his house anymore I had to leave. Before it was the arrangements were tolerable but now ... how could he do this?? He has entirely ruined my life and now twenty years after the fact he tells me that he is sorry for messing up my life. And now he wants to marry me and what??!! Pretend what he did never happened and that we are young again and we can live our lives together with a family???

Only we can't now. I'm nine and thirty!!! I'm not having children at my age. He has children of his own. I have Margaret. Before I could stand loving him and living in his house, but now knowing what he feels, having it out in the open. We can never go back to the way it was. I loved him so much. I still love him so much and now its like my heart has crumbled for a third time and any walls that I have been able to build during the past eighteen years have collapsed. My world has collapsed.

Chapter 9

Posted on Saturday, 2 March 2002

Dear Jane,

I hope that this letter finds you and your family in good health. Give all my love to Margaret and tell her that I miss her most cruelly. I actually have much to disclose to you but fear that I know not where to begin.

I should first tell you that I leaving Pemberley. Please do not distress yourself too much on this point; I suppose that we knew that Mr. Darcy and I would clash on things best left in the past. I am all right. Shaken, but all right.

I write mostly to inform you that I will be joining you in London as soon as God's wills it to be possible. I hope that this does not put you at terrible inconvenience. I promise that it will be of the shortest possible duration.

Oh Jane be thankful for the comfort you posses. Be thankful for your husband and your children. What I sad wreck I am. However, please do not pity me, I have done enough of that for myself already. Be thankful that you need not frequently look to the past for comfort and at the same time regret the conduct that it reflects back to us.

Yours, etc.

E. Bennet

Barley did I sleep that night. The tears would come for reasons I am still not clear on. At the first rays of sunlight, I penned my letter to Jane. I did go to lessons but to tell the children that I would be leaving the next day. They were, of course frightfully upset but did not press me long on the subject, as they perceived my own distress on the subject. I packed the rest of the morning and through the early afternoon and by 3 o'clock was ready to leave. Earlier than I expected but a welcome change of plans. The only thing left was to tell Mr. Darcy that I was leaving.

My trunks were packed and my carriage ready and I was already in my travel clothes when I finally went to go find Mr. Darcy. I determined that the quicker my escape the better. I was informed by a servant that he was in his study and had been there all day. Mustering up what courage I had left, I proceeded to his study.

I slowly drew up my hand and knocked on the door and at length he called me in. I could tell immediately that he was out of spirits and that he had been drinking; never a good combination. My heart went out to him but my resolve was firm.

"Mr. Darcy I am come to tell you of my departure." I said as firmly and calmly as I could while still maintaining eye contact with him.

"So soon?" He did not look extremely surprised by my declaration but then again he probably did not have the greatest clarity of mind.

"I think it is best in light of the discoveries of the past day." I lied.

"Tell me that real reason." He said looking firmly and resolutely into my face.

"What?" I lost my ability to think for a moment. He had caught me off guard for a moment. I had not expected him to see through me so easily. Yet, no one, except maybe Jane, knew me as well as he did.

"Tell me why you are really leaving." His gaze was so steady that I went weak at the knees and broke.

"Because I don't trust myself in you presence. Don't trust myself to continue this performance, this façade of indifference."

"Please stay." Was he solemn plea to me.

I felt the tears coming and knew that I must soon make my escape or I would never make it out. "No. No, I cannot. I must go ... I ... I know that ... I hope that ... I'm sorry ... goodbye."

I made to leave and as I reached the door, the tears fell. In an instant, Mr. Darcy was at my side. I found myself unable to resist and I accepted his arms around me and cried into his cravat. He gently kissed my head and I felt safe and content like I had never before felt in my life.

"Don't leave me here alone. I'll never be able to survive again with out you." Now he was threatening to break down and cry and I knew that I had to muster what self-control I had left and escape this place.

"I have to go."

"I love you." Those three little words were so sweet to my ears. I had waited 18 years to here them spoken by those lips to me because I felt exactly the same.

"I love you too." And with this declaration he kissed me full on the lips. He pressed me hard to his body as if he would never let go and in truth, I did not want him to. I finally forced myself to pull away the carriage was still waiting.

"I have to go."

"Why?" His voice was urgent.

"I can't do this. It is too much. I need time to think."

"I will follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond until you are mine."

"Good bye."

"Good bye, my Elizabeth. Remember you will not get rid of me so easily." Deep in my heart, I had needed him to say that but I was still trying to deny that I needed his presence outwardly. I walked out of the room without making eye contact with him again and without looking back.

I left still trying to decide if I had made the right decision. I suppose I would never really know if I had or not. It would just be one of those decisions that I would have to live with and hope that I would not regret the outcome later in life. I had regretted too many of my passed actions and I was not sure if I could deal with another painful memory in my life. I cried until I fell asleep as the carriage pushed on to London.

"My dear read this letter from Lizzy." Jane Bingley said to her husband as she entered his study and handed him the aforementioned piece of parchment.

"Good God! What do you think happened?" Was her husband's concerned reply.

"I don't know but from what I can gather it must have something to do with his proposal." Was Jane's placid response.

"When is she coming?" Charles questioned.

"Today I believe if her trip whet smoothly. I am going to try to keep Meg out of the house today. Still we are going to have quite a lot to explain to her." Jane had a worried look about her face.

"Yes indeed!" Said Charles with a look of confusion and worry to match his wife's.

London

"Oh Lizzy hoe tired you must be. Come in. Come in." Jane fretted after her sister.

"Oh Jane..." this was all that she could reply. So exhausted was she both physically and mentally.

"Shhh ... its ok. We will talk later. Lets get you settled first." This was Jane always thinks of others before herself.

"My dear what happened? What was said?" Jane continued once Lizzy was comfortably settled in the drawing room.

"What wasn't said?!" Lizzy vent replied.

"Lizzy he's still not bitter about your refusing him all those years ago."

"I don't think so." Came Lizzy's almost confused reply as if she was not quite sure about her answer.

"Well then what did he say?"

"That he loves my or rather that he never stopped loving me." Lizzy said matter of fact.

"What's the matter with that? That's what you wanted to hear right?" Now it was Jane's turn to be confused by her words.

"I know. I just don't know." And this was true. Even the two day solitary carriage ride had not been long enough for her to sort out her feelings.

"For once in your life do something for you. If Margaret is what your worried about, do not be. She is a fine young lady thanks to you and she does not need to be watched constantly anymore. Lizzy I want you to be happy." Jane pleaded with her sister. Just then, Margaret entered the room.

"Aunt Lizzy!! What are you doing here? You said nothing about your coming. Are you alright?" Came Margaret's welcome to her Aunt.

"Yes fine. I must go finish unpacking excuse me" Lizzy said to divert the question and escape the scene. She still was not ready to speak to her niece about the events of the past week, which would inevitably lead to the question that had been burning in her mind since before they could remember.

"Aunt Jane what happened?" A confused Margaret asked her Aunt Jane.

"Give her time. She had some brushes with the past that, while I believe she wanted to forget, she need to face and hear." Jane replied as much to Margaret as herself to remind her of what she had to do to help her sister. Letting her sister run away again was not the answer this time and Jane now realized that it was not the best answer last time either.

"I don't understand." Poor Margaret was more confused than Jane was.

"I'm not the one to tell you my dear. Go on now we'll talk later."

I heard a knocking at my door but I was still weary of visitors.

"Aunt Liz, its Meg. Please let me in. I want to talk to you. What happened? Aunt Jane said it was something about the past and she could not tell me only you could. Please tell me what happened. Does it have to do with me? Did you see your former lover? Did you see my father?" I knew that she did not fully understand what she was saying and that she had asked the last two questions in jest to try to cheer me up and get me to talk to her but still I could not let them slide so easily.

That was it. I opened the door. This had to be out in the open once and for all.

"Your father is dead." I could she that she was taken aback at my words and was full of more questions than answers. "Meg I do not know what you think but it is not true. I am not your mother; I am your aunt. Your mother was my sister Lydia, who is also dead. Your father was the evilest of men and he died about 6 years ago without having any knowledge of your existence."

"Aunt Lizzy tell me the whole story please." Came her quiet request.

"When your mother was sixteen she went to Brighton for the summer. George Wickham was also there and he persuaded her to consent to an elopement. She did but they never made it to Gretna Green. They lived in London and after a while George's debts had become too much and he left Lydia alone and penniless. She was evicted from her residence and forced to wander until she finally made her way to a poor house. It was here that my Uncle Gardiner found her pregnant with you and practically dead. She lived long enough to give birth to you and then died. We took you in and raised you and never told Mr. Wickham about your existence or vice versa." It felt good to finally let go of the secrets that had plagued me for so long. I had always thought that it was not fair to keep these things secrets from Margaret but I knew it was for the best and so followed through. Nevertheless, just as I needed to face my past so did she.

"I don't know what to say. Is this part of what has been upsetting you? Why are not you happy you promised my you would be." Now we got to the part that I was uncomfortable about sharing with her but I relented and told her.

"Well since we are bearing all... yes part of it deals with me. Mr. Darcy had proposed to me the Easter before your mother's affair and I refused him. When I learned of Lydia's elopement, I was visiting Lambton with my aunt and uncle. By that time, I had learned to love him as I could not before but w had no time left for happiness. He was coming to visit me and found me reading the letter that told of the affair. I was very upset and told Mr. Darcy in full what had happened. He left me after a time and I never saw him again. I never even considered another man. For me he was perfection and I could not picture myself with another man. When he got married my world overturned and the only reason that I did not break was that I had you to think about. I could not leave you as my sister had. I was determined not to fail you. You gave me a purpose something to work for."

"You took that because you were hoping that he still cared for you didn't you?" How well she could read me. It scared me.

"I suppose I did."

"So what happened? Does he not love you anymore?"

"No he told me that he still loved me and never stopped loving me and I panicked and left."

"Aunt Lizzy I can't believe you! You have loved this man for eighteen years and now you find out that he is free and still loves you and you run away!!" she could not understand my reasoning. To her it was a black and white issue that needed no kind of examining.

"What was I suppose to do!? Say yes and live happily ever after?! I'm 39 years old your young and at the beginning of life I'm not." She was still too young to see the reality of the situation. She still looked at the world with rose coloured glasses and did not she the impropriety and absurdity of the situation.

"Then you broke your promise. You said you would be happy and you are not. Now I know what will make you happy and I am going to see if happen."

"Meg it won't happen." I was privately laughing at her declaration. Her passion is intriguing and in a way it was sweet that she felt that way about me but her threats were empty ones which she could not fulfill.

"You say that now." And with that she left the room.

I did not know what she had planned in her head but I determined that she could not do much.

"Uncle Charles, are you busy?" Margaret said as she pocked her head through the door of her uncle's study.

"No dear what's the matter?"

"I know why Aunt Lizzy is sad." She said matter-of-factly.

"Do you?" He said with a small laugh as if he did not believe her.

"Uncle Charles I know the real reason." She said with the same calm and even tone in her voice.

His smile faded as he said "Oh..."

"You have to help her. I hate to see her so lost." Came the girl's desperate plea to her uncle.

"Yes she has lost a lot of her old spunk, but she will get over it. She did last time." Her uncle said this to himself as much as her needed to reassure himself of the fact. Truthfully, he did not believe that Lizzy would recover this time but he did not want Margaret to worry. It was not her burden.

"I do not think she will this time. She said that caring for me helped her through last time that the only reason that she did not break is that she had to live for me. She does not have that this time. I am quite grown up and able to care for myself. She does not have the strength anymore to fight her feelings and repress them as she once did." This girl was too smart for her own good. Too much like her aunt Charles thought. Nothing could be put past her.

"Meg I do not want you to worry about this." He said authoritatively.

"She is the only mother that I have ever known and you want me not to worry about her!?" was Margaret's passionate rebuttal.

"What would you have me do?" he said throwing his hands up in helplessness.

"Invite Mr. Darcy to London." She said impertinently.

"Meg he has his own house in town, he hardly needs an invitation from me to come." Charles said with a small laugh.

"Then just be blunt and tell him that Aunt Lizzy is despondent without him and that the situation needs to be confronted and resolved once and for all."

Just as she finished a servant entered.

"If you please Sir an express just come."

"Thank you Sarah." he read it over deep in thought over the words that the paper revealed and what they meant to the present situation.

After a few minutes he said, "Well Meg I don't think I will need to write that letter after all. Darcy is coming to London."

Chapter 12

Posted on Saturday, 29 March 2003

2 days later

"Aunt Lizzy I have some wonderful news." Margaret said as she burst into the room.

"What is it my dear." I said distractedly, as I was concentrating on my needlepoint.

"A certain someone we all know is coming to London." Why must she sound so much like her mother?

"Who, my dear?" I said as calmly as possible, secretly fearing what she might say.

"Mr. Darcy." Said she as if it were the most natural thing in the world for it to be so.

"When?" I managed to say my face drained of all colour.

"Now."

"Meg, do not play games with me. What do you mean "now"?"

"That he arrived in London this morning and that Uncle Charles has invited him for luncheon today and that he will arrive in about ten minutes if he is punctual." She said matter-of-factly.

"No, no. I cannot. I am sick ... I am out ... I ... I..."

"Please you can't run forever." She said her eyes pleading. "Besides, I've planned the most wonderful lunch of cold meats and it would be rude for you to decline my invitation."

"Meg I have to go." and I left the room just as Mr. Bingley entered with Mr. Darcy at his heels.

"Meg where is your aunt?" Asked Charles.

"I don't know I told her that Mr. Darcy was coming and she panicked and left the room."

"I thought this might happen," said Charles. Darcy stood silent in quiet reflection. He did not look surprised or dejected, just pensive.

"I am sorry Mr. Darcy, I tried to make her stay I tried to make her see reason but she is just too stubborn."

"It's not your fault it is mine. For so long I was the stubborn one and now just as I have learned to get passed my pride she becomes as stubborn as I was. No, if anyone is to blame it is I. May I use your writing desk Charles?" said Darcy.

"What?" said Bingley snapping out of his ravine. "Oh, yes of course Darcy."

"Thank you."

After about ten minutes, he rose from his place letter signed and sealed.

"I'm sorry Charles but I will be going now. Will you please do me a favour?"

"Yes of course." Charles said a little distantly.

"Would you please give this to Miss Bennet?" Darcy said extending the letter in his hand to Charles.

"Of course." He replied.

"Thank you."

"Goodbye Miss Bennet." Darcy said to Margaret as he left the room Charles turned the note over in his hands as if making a decision about what to do with it. Then finally speaking said, "Meg maybe you should give this to your aunt." Margaret nodded her head in agreement and silently took the missive from his hand and quitted the room to go and search for her aunt. At length she found her. She was sitting in the courtyard in the little garden that Jane had planted in an effort to bring some of the country to the town. She held in her hand a letter that was beginning to turn yellow and wear around the edges.

Reluctant to disturb her, Meg stood some distance off hoping her aunt would notice her.

Why did he come? He is only making it more difficult for me to keep my resolution. I cannot love him. It is too late. Yet why do I torture myself with reading this letter over and over again. He wasn't even kind in it; just bitter. If only I could find pure happiness and be truly content for one day. I could couldn't I? Maybe?

"Aunt Lizzy?" Meg said as she broke my ravine.

"Please go away." I try to say with enough composure as not to reveal the true state of my mind.

"Mr. Darcy left this letter for you." She held out the letter in her hand toward me willing me to relinquishes her of her burden.

"Please go." I persisted. Meg left the letter in a nearby rock and left.

Tentatively I picked up the letter. I fancied I could smell his very being in the paper. Gingerly I opened and began to read the letter.

My Dearest Elizabeth,

I know I have wronged you and that I have caused you great pain and suffering yet I beg you to hear me: I love you. You have known this for sometime but I cannot reaffirm my feelings for you enough. I hate to see you so miserable especially when I know that I have been the cause of your misery. I beg you to forgive me. I have taken your reproofs to heart and am no longer the proud, arrogant man that you once imagined me to be. Please I beg you to forgo your own pride and to allow yourself some happiness. Please consider your actions towards me. Please let go of your pride as I have done for you and allow yourself some happiness. It is not only yourself that you are hurting by your stubborn behaviour. Consider Meg and your sister and Charles they all worry about you and though you try to be independent and in control of your emotions, you depend on others lives for your happiness. I have no desire to cause you pain by my words but only to make you see more clearly and to perhaps consent to allowing some fragment of happiness enter your life. Whatever your decision I remain yours faithfully and ever loving.

FD

I will be waiting for you in the park in the grove after tea. I will wait until sun down. If you do not come, I will know your mind and heart once and for all.

Oh god what have I done? I have become the person he was and the self-pitying person that I swore to myself I would never become. I am so confused. Oh, no what time is it? He will leave if I do not hurry. I must look a mess with my teat stained face and all but I must get to the park and find him before it is too late.

I grab my shawl and bonnet and run out the door as I quickly tell the butler to tell Mr. and Mrs. Bingley that I am going out. It is settling upon dusk. The sun's bottom is touching the horizon ever so slightly, ready to make it's decent in to the unknown and make way for the moon. However, not before it puts on a magnificent show across the clear blue sky of purples, reds pinks, and oranges. Their brilliancy bouncing off the clouds and creating one of the most awe-inspiring scenes that I have ever seen. However, that is not on my mind right now. All I can focus on is the street before me and the fact that I might be too late and I could not bear to loose him again. Not after all this time of longing and waiting, while my dreams kept hounding me. No, I have to forget society and find my place finally, where I belonged even if it does not correspond with their fanatical rules.

As I hurried through the gate of the park, I see the sun has made half it's decent into the horizon. I rush passed the few scattered people that are left in the park, pass the flowerbeds, pass the fountains, until finally I see what I seek. There on a solitary bench sits a forlorn and solitary figure: Fitzwilliam Darcy. All of a sudden, I became scared and I feel like my legs will no longer carry me and yet somehow I find the strength to push on. I timidly approached the bench where he was sitting. He is facing the other direction and does not see me approach.

"May I sit here sir?" I say. He slowly turns around and I can tell that he recognized my voice and was in disbelief by what he heard.

When finally his eyes met mine, he said "Of course." For a few minutes, he just looked at me not saying anything, just starring. Yet eyes are the windows to our souls and we communicated with eyes more coherently than with words. The sun is now just barley visible above the horizon.

"It's getting late." I finally say. "And we need to talk."

He nodded but it was a disinterested nod, as if he had only half heard what I had said. Just as in the library, his hand came up to my face gracing it so soft that it almost was not there. Then slowly and ever so softly, his lips met mine and I let myself surrender to him completely and unabashedly. Some time later, we finally broke apart. The last remnants of light were just leaving the sky making way for the brilliance of the moon and her league of stars.

"We need to talk." I repeated again, forcing myself to address the more important issue at hand no matter how much I wanted to indulge in my passions.

"Indeed we do. Let's go to my house." He suggested.

"Alright." I agreed.

We rose and he decidedly took my arm and placed it securely into the crook of his. We were both silent on the way back to his town house. Each of us having too much to contemplate and think over; both of us trying to decide where to start. We soon reached the house.

If the servants had any opinions about the impropriety of my being there at such a late hour, they were kind enough not to say anything. He led me to the library where we sat. This was not going to be easy but it had to be done. Well I suppose it could be very easy bit I was never one to make things easy for myself.

"What made you change your mind?" He asked.

"I realised that I was becoming the proud self-pitying person that I did not want to be and I despised myself for it. I was being unfair to you me and my whole family by being so stubborn." He looked genuinely pleased by this answer, as his mouth turned up in a mirthful grin.

"Well I'm glad you did. Look I know that you think that this is going to be hard for you but it won't. The kids love you, the staff loves you and I love you. I would and will never hurt you intentionally. I will always be there for you. I promise I will never leave you again."

"That's very kind of you." I said impertinently my playfulness returning. "But I have not agreed to marry you. You first must ask me a question before I agree to live with you."

"You are perfectly right." He stood up and moved to my seat and kneeled before me. "My dear Miss Bennet will you marry me?"

I wanted to say something impertinent I really did but I found myself at a loss for words and I simply said "yes." He gave me a smile that I will never forget and then kissed me. Just plain and simple.

I did eventually return home to Jane's but not before I was given the most beautiful ring ever and kissed much more.

Granted everyone was asleep when I got home and I caused a mini scandal of my own when I entered the house at such a late hour but I was too elated to notice or care. Life for me began that day. It was a blissful time. Would you believe that I was still the first one up the next morning? Jane was of course delighted. Meg was exuberant to say the least and Charles well he of course offered his congratulations but then excused himself remarking that he was getting too old for such girlish merriment and wedding discussions. Upon which, Jane kindly reminded him that in the not so distant future he could have his own children weddings to think about. Rolling his eyes in a playful amusement Charles did indeed leave the room.

Mr. Darcy arrived soon after Charles left the room and again the congratulations were repeated. Jane and Meg then left the room on some or another excuse that I did not catch but really was not listening for either, leaving Mr. Darcy and I by ourselves. When they had left, he gave me what he deemed to be a proper good morning.

"I should go speak to Charles." He said.

"He already knows." I replied.

"I figured as much but we need to decide whether he stands with me or gives you away."

"I had not thought of that." I said admiring his careful ability to attend to all details, even ones that I overlook.

"I am going to procure a special licence today. So we can be married in as little time as possible."

"How long would a little time be?" I said with an important smile.

"Three days, a week."

"You don't want to waste any time?"

"Not with you, not anymore. We can waste plenty of time later." He said mischievously.

"Ok you get the licence and I guess I'm going dress shopping. Have you written to the children yet?"

"This morning and hopefully they will be on the road by tomorrow. I love you"

"I love you." And after another kiss he was gone to Charles. Jane and Meg soon returned to the room, obviously they were never far off. I explained our plan to them Jane was happy and Meg was ecstatic. So we planned on a shopping excursion for the morning. Dresses were ordered bonnets and gloves bought. Every thing was to be ready in five days.

William, how strange that still sounds, returned for dinner that evening and related that he had been successful in procuring a licence. I told him of our day and we agreed that barring the children's late arrival the wedding would take place in six days.

How quickly six days can pass. To our satisfaction and relief, the children arrived three days later. They were pleased to see me and I confess I missed them too. They are dear children.

Everything went so fast that there was hardly time for second thoughts or anything compared to regret, or a chance to question the sanity of our actions. Yet, it seemed this was the sanest thing I had ever done in my life. Our love was such that transcends time, being, space, even life. It was a bond of true minds, a bond of the purest, rarest and deepest trust and affection. Such that the world has never seen or will see. Jane thinks I am over dramatizing but I do not believe I am. If your life were put on hold for twenty years only to be giving a second chance when all hope of love seemed in vain, you would feel the same. As if you had just been awoken from a nightmare into a dream sweeter than you dared to hope for because the nightmare was so horrible you saw no place or chance for any happiness.

Indeed the whole wedding seemed to be a dream; too perfect to be real. I seemed to float in a dream world. I saw no one except William. Everyone around him seemed a blur, not really there. I realize that I am thirty-nine and this is probably the scariest thing that I have done in my life. My emotions are slightly off; I feel slightly drunk like if the alcohol of love wears off I will find myself sorely teased. Yet, at the same time, I feel I wish I could be drunk, as I do not quite know if my stomach will ever settle again or if my nerves will ever be calm. What a wreck I am. I am elated but at the same time, I am terrified. Terrified of a million small worries. Worries that I know to be all for naught

Can you guess where we went for our honeymoon? Italy! It was perfect. He is perfect. He is my husband. How amazing, strange, new this all is. I am beyond words to describe the peace I feel.

This is where I end my tale. I will now close this journal forever and never look back to it. I do not need its comfort anymore. The past is better left to itself as it can only do harm and the future ... that is for the living to determine and I am living. Very much so.

The End

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