This Is The Way The World Ends by Dark Eyed Seer

 

1. Bangs and Whimpers2. The Hollowmen3. Shape Without Form4. Shade Without Color5. Paralized Force6. Gesture WIthout Motion7. Death's Other Kingdom8. Violent Souls9. Eyes I Dare Not Meet in Dreams10. Sunlight on a Broken Column11. In the Wind's Singing12. The Fading Star13. Deliberate Disguises14. Rat's Coat15. Crow's Skin16. Crossed Staves17. Behaving as the Wind Behaves18. No Nearer19. The Supplication of a Dead Man's Hand20. Waking Alone21. Trembling with Tenderness22. Lips That Would Kiss23. Form Prayers to Broken Stone24. This Valley of Dying Stars25. The Tumid River26. The Hope Only of Empty Men27. The Prickly Pear28. Here We Go Round29. Between the Idea and the Reality30. Between the Motion and the Act31. Falls the Shadow32. Life is Very Long33. Leaning Together34. Our Dried Voices35. When We Whisper Together36. Quiet and Meaningless37. As Wind in Dry Grass38. Or Rat's Feet Over Broken Glass39. In Our Dry Celler40. Direct Eyes41. Remember Us42. Not as Lost43. Death's Dream Kingdom44. That Final Meeting45. At This Hour46. The Perpetual Star47. There Are No Eyes Here48. This Broken Jaw49. This Hollow Valley50. Multifoliate Rose51. Avoid Speech52. Sightless53. Unless the Eyes Reappear54. Between the Conception and the Creation55. Between the Emotion and the Response56. Between the Desire and the Spasm57. Between the Potency and the Existence58. Between the Essence and the Descent59. For Thine Is the Kingdom

 

Author's Note: This is a Spike/Tara friendship that becomes Spuffy eventually.

Spike had run out of Jack Daniels somewhere between the Mississippi border and the crappy one-gas station town he was in now. He was starting to sober up and it wasn't pleasant. The Desoto was a mess of empty liquor bottles and cigarette cartons.

The one vice he hadn't fed since leaving Drusilla in Brazil was blood. His stomach snarled a riot of noises that put the Sex Pistols to shame. The KKK town would have to be his drive through.

Wandering through a pathetic excuse for a graveyard, he stumbled upon a pair of lovers coupling madly in the bushes. It was almost beautiful really. Like a horror movie, he thought as he drained them without taking pleasure in the act, they die for the sin of fornication and all the good little virgins get to live. He tossed the bodies aside casually and stumbled through the churchyard.

* * *

Tara knew full well it was foolish to be out after dark. But she was safer out here than at home and it was much easier to think of being hurt by a total stranger than by family. Her mother's grave was well tended. She visited it everyday after school to lay new flowers and have a few words with the only person to ever give her any kindness.

She was laying out sage and lavender smudge sticks to assure the sanctity of the grave when a presence made itself known to her right. She jerked back in surprise at the man's proximity and let out a startled shriek.

“Easy now, Glinda. ” The man had his hands stuff deeply in the pockets of a well-worn black leather duster. His hair was bleached and it gleamed in the moonlight. All in all, Tara thought, he looked like the definition of bad news, the very opposite of her father and brother, who had worn their Sunday best to church just that morning. Maybe not a lot could be judged by appearances.

“W-w-what do you w-w-want? ” Tara asked nervously, cursing her stuttering affliction as it made her sound like a fearful child and not a young woman of seventeen.

“Got a spell that needs doing. Saw you here with your herbs and dirt and figured you might help me out. ” Spike shifted feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden. Her fear bothered him for no reason that he could discern. He'd almost tripped over her in truth and the idea for the love spell had just occurred to him from absolutely nowhere.

She stared at him for a few seconds. He was a vampire. That she could tell from his aura. But it was the most unusual aura she'd ever seen. Vampires were pale imitation of people in the life force and they had auras in sickly, unnatural colors. But his, his was vibrant and it made her blink to look directly at it.

Spike asked her later what made her say what she said next. She never had a proper answer. She didn't know where the courage came from, but she knew it was inspired by his presence.

“I'll do your spell, if you do something for me. ” She said finally, gathering up her smudge sticks and directing the words at the ground.

“What do you want, pet? ”

Tara took a deep breath, “I want you to take me as far away from this town as you can. ”

Spike lit up a cigarette and snapped the Zippo closed with flourish, “Done. ”

* * *

The adrenaline made her dizzy, her hands wouldn't stop shaking and they couldn't fit the key in the lock. The vampire next to her snorted at her movements and took the key chain from her finally. The house was silent and she stepped across the threshold. Swallowing thickly, she turned back to the man with her and muttered a quiet, 'Come in.'

“My father's room is at the end of the hall s-s-so try to keep it down. ” She whispered as he followed her up the stairs.

The vampire didn't comment on her obvious fear, or that she was much more afraid of the man in the room down the hall than the bloodsucker at her back. The bedroom was sweetly decorated with fabric ends and gathered wildflowers. It smelled of incense and power. Spike found he liked it, though it was a bit strong.

He hushed those troubling thoughts at once. This was for Dru. This bird was only the vessel he would use to make her love him again. She'd cast the spell, he'd take her to bleeding Texas if that's where she wanted to go, and he'd high-tail it back to the arms of his lover where he belonged. There should be no worrying about what makes her afraid or how nice her space smells.

Tara's mind was swirling with thoughts. She couldn't believe she was actually doing this. She was running away. Leaving this house and all it's scary door hinge noises and violent outbursts. She stared down at her bed for a split second. She would never lie there again. He would never hurt her there again.

“Pet, we don't have all night. Pack up. We need to make the next state line by sunrise, remember? ”

The vampire's words jolted her into action, and she swept her miniscule wardrobe into the battered suitcase that had laid under the bed all her life, as if in wait for this moment. She froze and touched her mother's books and magic equipment, “I need to take all this- “

Spike rolled his eyes impatiently and bent down to help her gather it all up, “There's a trunk in the corner, isn't there? We'll throw it all in that. ” Spike helped her pile item after item in the huge black steamer trunk, and then snapped it closed and hefted up the eighty-pound thing one shoulder with ease.

Tara's knees trembled as she picked up the suitcase. She wanted to be in another state already. She wanted to be in another country already. There were footsteps in the hall and Tara bolted up like a startled deer. Spike was unmoved.

“What the Hell is goin' on here? ” Her father's voice thundered like the voice of God on Mount Sinai. Though, Tara was quite confidant God didn't use the word 'Hell' or speak in a Southern drawl.

2.

 

Tara had never seen snow. The closest thing to ice she'd ever experienced came from the freezer in the kitchen. But she was confident that she'd braved many winters in the coldness in her father's eyes.

The sentence 'she was afraid' would be a gross understatement. As she backed away, however, she smacked into Spike's chest. It was as solid and unmoving as a brick wall. She pressed up against him and felt steadied by just his proximity.

“Tara, I'm going to ask you this just once. What is going on here? ”

Her father had always seemed huge before, impossible to disobey and all knowing. She knew very well what would happen if she was standing before him all alone.

But she wasn't alone.

“Glinda and I are taking a trip. We'll send you a postcard. Now get out of the way. ” Spike had started out with an almost pleasant tone but it quickly turned menacing.

“How dare you come into to MY HOUSE- “ Her father didn't get any further because when he had began to rant, he had reached out to grab her.

Tara didn't realize anything in the world could move that fast.

He had her father against the wall, pinning him there with one hand and lifting him a clear three feet off the ground by the throat. Part of Tara knew she should tug on his elbow and beg him to let the man go. She knew, deep down without knowing quite why, that he would obey her.

But she let him continue.

“I SAID Glinda and I are taking a trip. You are in my way. Do you have any idea what happens to sniveling little, girl-beating, weasels who get in my way? ” He shifted into what Tara would later learn to refer to as 'game face.'

Her father's eyes widened in horror and he renewed his struggles to escape to no avail. But Tara wasn't horrified. From the first moment she realized what Spike was she had waited for this visage to appear. She was actually sort of disappointed. It was nearly as ugly as the books led her to believe. It was actually kind of beautiful in a leonine sort of way.

He let her father go and he fell to the floor, still clutching his abused throat. Tara almost winced in sympathy. She knew what that felt like. He'd done it to her enough times.

Spike made a sharp gesture towards the door with his head as he lifted the trunk again. He wanted to get a move on, clearly. Dawn was only a few hours away.

But something made Tara pause. She looked down at the man at her feet and reflected on how little power he had now. And she thought of the future.

“I'm going of my own free will, Daddy. Don't come after us. If you call the police or anything, I'll tell. I'll tell them everything. And don't give me that old line about no one believing me. I'll make them believe me. I'll keep telling people over and over until I find someone who does. ” Tara didn't know where this was coming from. She had never spoken like this in her entire life. But she liked it. It was scary and strong and she didn't stutter once.

Her father's red face paled and he tried to gasp something out, but Tara was already gone, lost in the swirl of black leather that preceded her and out the door.

* * *

It was the first time Spike had ever wished he'd cleaned up before hand. The Desoto was a mess. And the poncy thoughts that were running through his head gave him no peace. She was too clean a girl to have to sit in this filth.

But Tara herself didn't even notice the state of the interior of the car. She was anxiously watching the big green highway signs going by, mentally adding up how many miles away they had gotten. She wasn't even tired. She actually felt as if she had downed cup after cup of double espresso. She kept fiddling with loose strings in the sleeve of her sweater just to give her hands something to do.

Her stomach growled suddenly, startling her. She was ravenous. It came out of nowhere. A sickening thought her all of a sudden.

She didn't have any money.

“Hungry, pet? There's a Denny's connected to the motel we're headed to. Handy for those after dawn trips. Don't even need to leave the building. ”

He sounded so pleased that he'd thought of this that Tara didn't have the heart to tell him that she couldn't eat for free.

The motel was clearly cheap but it was clean. Spike seemingly had no trouble getting them a room and didn't even ask her to contribute to the cost. She appreciated that he was at least willing to house her until she did the spell for him. He was being housed as well, after all. The same could not be said for food. How could she have been so stupid? This was why she had never run away. Where would she go without money? How could she live?

They were actually sitting at the table before Tara had gotten up the courage to voice her problem. If he would pay for a few meals, he clearly had money, and then maybe she could pay him back. Tara wasn't sure how exactly but she could try.

“Think I'll have the Grand Slam Breakfast. What about you, love? ”

The incongruous statement sent all thoughts of financial concerns out of her head, “Y-you eat food? I mean people food? ”

The waitress walking by gave her a strange look and Tara blushed beet red. Spike couldn't help the smirk that crept up on his face. This one was just so much fun.

“Yeah. It tastes good, I eat it. How about you? Any interesting dietary habits I should know about? ”

The girl shook her head, “I don't have any money! I can't pay for anything- “

Spike made a dismissive gesture, “Psssft. I hired you. I'll pay for your room and feed until we get this little spell out of the way. Its just money, love. ”

He said that as if it just was something paltry, something that meant nothing to him.

“I'll have the Belgian Waffle Platter, then. With whip cream and strawberry sauce, if you can manage it from petty cash. ” She managed a small smile at the grin that spread across his face.

“That's the spirit, pet. We get you few more states away from home sweet home and we do my spell. I get my girl back. We go our separate ways and live happily ever after. ” The man before her was a far cry from the morose, slumped figure that she'd met in the graveyard. This plan seemed to give him a new vibrancy.

Then again, she would bet money she didn't have that she was a far cry from the meek girl he'd first met as well.

A sick feeling settled in her stomach, though, went she thought of their parting. What would she do then? Where would she go? She pushed the thought away firmly. It was days away yet and she might as well enjoy her freedom until then. She picked up her fork resolutely and dug into her waffles with relish.

3.

  

Tara took time combing out her hair in the motel bathroom. She was feeling grateful for complimentary soap and shampoo even if she did smell curiously woodsy. It was another smack in face, the lack of toiletries. Another example of how unprepared she was to leave home.

But she wasn't there anymore and that was all that mattered.

Spike was asleep when she left the bathroom. The T.V was on and a Golden Girls rerun washed him in its anemic glow. He was bare to the waist as far as she could see and he was the best-built man she had ever seen. He was like a piece of art. Tara had realized when she was about eight that she liked girls the way other girls liked boys, but she could still appreciate beauty when she saw it.

The other bed looked a bit lonely now. She shook herself from that bizarre thought and climbed in. She watched television for a few minutes and realized that the Golden Girls episode was part of a marathon, so that must have been what he had been watching. She couldn't help the giggle that escaped.

The big bad vampire liked the comical adventures of little old ladies.

She gazed back at him and studied his sleeping form. He really was unusual. Everything she had ever read about vampires seemed strangely contradictory now that she had met one. She actually rather liked him, she was surprised to admit. She had only known him for one night and already he had made her laugh more than she had in the previous three months.

But she was just his employee, she reminded herself. She had a job to do and once it was over, he would leave her. It was a horribly sad thought to her, but, she reminded herself, he was a vampire. He killed people nightly for food. She couldn't stay with him knowing he was doing that anyway.

But somehow in the last few hours, he'd become her vampire.

Pushing these thoughts out of her head, she cracked open her mother's Book of Shadows seeking a suitable love spell to return Spike's mysterious Drusilla to him.

She didn't get two pages in before all the emotion and exertion of the previous night took its toll and she fell asleep.

* * *

They both awoke at sunset. Tara noted her own sleeping habits were soon going to mirror his. Strangely, it didn't bother her.

Spike mentioned something about going out for a bite before they left and Tara froze, knowing what he meant. She watched him wearily and he watched her back for a few seconds before slipping out the door.

* * *

Spike had found a perfectly good kill, a bulky twit stupid enough to be wandering through alleys after dark.

Spike had led him on a bit of a chase and his level of fear was perfect to give the blood that spicy flavor. He was to be a very satisfying meal.

But there was one problem.

He couldn't eat him.

As the wanker pleaded for his miserable little life, all Spike could see was Tara's fearful, disappointed face and he kept getting the overwhelming feeling he was letting her down.

The poor bird had been hurt enough for one lifetime.

He let the boy go and, cursing his own pathetic sense of humanity, went to find a butcher shop. He'd still to the bottled diet until he and the girl parted ways and make sure she knew it. Once she was out of his unlife things could return safely to normal.

With these thoughts comforting him, swallowing the swill didn't seem half so bad, almost like an experiment. Maybe he'd put on a bit of weight like the poofter seemed to. He could always use some more bulk after all. Even as toned as he was, people couldn't help but describe him as 'skinny'. Bloody unmanly that was.

* * *

Tara's enthusiasm for his new diet was almost frightening. She just keep turning around and smiling at him as they made their way to an Olive Garden for her dinner. Of course, he might pick at her plate a bit. Maybe order a few appetizers for them to share. And he needed to have a dessert at least.

Her smiles were giving him the strangest feeling of satisfaction.

He kept trying to shake it off but it just wouldn't leave. She was happy, so he was happy.

It was the closest to having a good time he'd had since before Prague with Dru. He wasn't sure he wanted it to end.

* * *

They had been driving with no real direction for two nights when something happened that started to change Spike's plans for the future completely.

They came to a county fair.

With rides. Spike loved rides, though he'd be loathe to admit it.

Tara, however gave him a more than valid excuse to stop. Her eyes shone when she caught sight of the ferris wheel and the cotton candy vendor.

"Want to stop and have a go, pet?" He asked, quietly willing her to say yes.

"You don't have to." She mumbled quietly.

"Come on, I could use the stretch. And they have deep-fried Mars Bars."

"Ewww." She grinned, "Well, I haven't been to a fair since I was eleven."

She laughed almost wildly when he took her hand and practically dragged her down the dirt road to towards the tents.

* * *

Tara was convinced she had never had as much fun as she was having right now. She was also convinced she never eaten quite this much in her life.

Her sides hurt from laughing at Spike's antics to win her a bear from one of the shooting games and her throat hurt from screaming on the rollar coaster.

Her feet were slightly sore, she was feeling a bit sick from all the sugar.

She was having the time of her life.

And Spike seemed to be right there with her. For the time being, all thoughts of their situation had completely fled their minds. Spike was running around like a child at, well, a carnival, and Tara couldn't believe he wasn't a boy her own age out with a friend beyond parental supervision for the first time.

* * *

She now had far too many stuffed animals, she thought sleepily, using one as a pillow and curling up in the back seat. He really should have stopped with the hippo. Or maybe the snake because she liked the snake, she thought, curling it around her and snuggling down.

* * *

Spike kept glancing in the rearview mirror to watch her sleep. It was a pretty sight and it kept bringing warm fuzzy feelings out of him despite his best efforts to supress them.

Guiltily, he remembered he was supposed to be finding a way to get Drusilla back. Not making friends with the witch he'd hired for that very purpose.

But traitorous thoughts kept on asking him why he was so eagar to get back to someone who had hurt him so badly. And why he wanted to leave someone who had only ever been nice to him behind.

4.

Tara flipped idly through her mother's Book of Shadows. She really should have found a spell by now, they had been traveling for more than a week. But the truth was she didn't want to. She didn't want Spike to go back to Drusilla; she didn't want him to leave her.

Spike had a thousand and one stories and she'd heard quite a few in the last ten days. He carefully skirted around the bloodshed and they were very entertaining. But the picture Spike painted of his former paramour was not a nice one, no matter how hard he tried to make it so. To Tara she seemed fickle and horribly unloving, not at all someone that Spike should be with. She thought he deserved better.

And she really didn't want to be alone. She wanted him with her, doing what they had been doing for the past week. They traveled and stopped and saw the sights, did things Tara had always wanted to do and never knew she wanted until she was doing them. They ate fabulous food. Tara had never had smoked salmon and cream cheese on a bagel before and now she couldn't get enough of it.

Tara had never left Mississippi before meeting Spike and in the past while she'd seen more of the world than she thought she ever would.

So Tara hadn't looked very hard for a spell. But then, Spike hadn't mentioned it at all since that first night. Part of her was worried what she'd say when he did ask. He was bound to, after all. That was the whole reason they were together in the first place.

But each morning, she flipped through the book and cast it aside in favour of sleep within minutes. And Spike never said a word.

* * *

Spike watched Tara in slumber and picked the book up from the carpeted floor. He fought the mad urge to cast it away. He didn't know why he felt a bit sick whenever he thought of her finishing the task he'd set. He was supposed to want Dru back with everything in him. She was his sire, the love of his unlife.

But when he thought of being with her, of ignoring all her infidelities and often-vicious treatment of him and keeping quiet when he felt like screaming, it all seemed like another person's existence. He didn't want it.

He didn't want to chase after her and take care of her with devotion that was never returned. Whenever he thought of her treatment of him a year before when he'd been wheelchair bound he could barely contain his anger and tears.

Maybe he was better off alone.

No. Not alone.

He glanced over at the sleeping girl and felt a rush of warmth. He wouldn't be alone if he could convince her to stay with him. He'd do whatever she wanted. He'd done that with Dru for more than a century and Tara's wants couldn't compare with Dru's.

He doubted very much that Tara would ever ask him for the Slayer's head on a platter.

Or the hearts of seven virgins killed on All Saints' Day arranged on white lace.

It would be easy to devote himself to Tara. He was already caring for her despite his demon's best denials that he should do so. If he could only convince her to stay, he'd find her a pretty girl to love the way she wanted. He'd buy her a big house with a garden for her to plant all those herbs she was so interested in.

Spike knew he would not live long in this world if he did not have a purpose, did not have someone to keep him going. He was not a lone wolf, he needed a pack to function. Even if it were just a pack of two.

But why would she want to stay with him? Even after a century of complete loyalty, Dru had left him for the arms of a chaos demon. After winning fight after fight and bringing home meal after meal, Angelus had never spared him a kind word and had always treated him like so much gutter trash. He'd always been treated like a loser, even when he won.

When he was alive he'd hated himself even more then everyone else did. No matter how hard he's worked to remake himself that had never changed. So why exactly would this sweet girl want to waste her life with him?

She was the only one he'd ever met who made him want to be a man. He didn't want her to see him as a monster. But, he knew no matter how hard he was willing to try he couldn't release the hold the demon had on him. He would always be a vampire.

It all seemed very hopeless.

But Spike had gotten into a habit that past week. Whenever he watched Tara lost in slumber, he felt like the world could be made better. He felt like her very existence proved that not everything was an utter wasteland. He felt that a world that had Tara in it must be a place worth saving.

The last ten days had remade the world for Spike as he got to view it through Tara's eyes. New Orleans had never been more beautiful, food had never tasted so good and jazz had never sounded so sweet.

If he could be better for her, if he could change himself enough, maybe he could convince her he was worth something.

These thoughts followed him into sleep and he dreamed of blonde girls dancing on ribbons of moonlight.

* * *

“I don't want you to do any spell.” Spike said suddenly, startling Tara from her contemplation of the wind from the open car window moving her hand back and forth.

“What?” Tara had noticed in the past few days that her stuttering in Spike's presence had all but disappeared.

“It wouldn't be real anyway. She'll never love me.”

The sentence sounded quite bleak and Tara felt tears prick her eyes at how desolate he seemed, “Maybe not. But maybe she never deserved you in the first place.”

Spike's head snapped to her direction and quickly back to the road. No one had ever made it seem like he was anything to deserve. Unless it was a punishment of some sort. His silent heart swelled and he wished for the thousandth time that she would stay with him.

“So do you want me to leave then?” Tara asked softly, feeling not very content all of a sudden.

“NO!” Spike burst out before he could help himself.

Tara couldn't help the smile that followed the bubble of happiness in her chest, “O.K, then.”

“O.K.” He agreed.

After a few minutes, Tara spoke up again, “I have a few stipulations, though.”

“Name them.” Spike smiled.

“Well, the 'no-eating-people' is kind of a given.”

“I've gotten used to it.” Spike fiddled with the air-conditioner to ease his nervousness.

“We're cleaning out the car at the next motel.”

“I guess it's past time.”

Tara took a deep breath, “And you can never leave me.”

Spike turned to look at her and vowed quietly, “Never.”

And she knew he meant it with everything that he was.

5.

Six Months Later ….

It was the first time Tara had actually let Spike dress her. He bought her clothes, of course. Once he'd gotten a good look at her wardrobe he'd replaced the whole thing with a dismissive, “Girl's got to have pretty things, pet. ”

But he'd never picked anything out. And Tara was beginning to doubt his ability to see color.

“The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a staple of Western Culture, love. You NEED to dress up. ”

Tara looked at the image in the mirror and winced, “If you say so. ” Tara was not at all sure about this.

* * *

“We have to come back tomorrow night! We have to go buy the soundtrack so I'll know all the songs this time! I can't believe I humped a Gumby doll- “

Spike grinned and adjusted his dress, “Liked it then? ”

* * *

Tara woke up crying again. She didn't understand why on earth she would be so teary now, when she was happier than she had ever been. She had never cried in Mississippi.

She got up and crawled in to Spike's bed and he turned and wrapped his arms around her immediately, “Ssssh, love. 'S all over now. ” He cooed soothing nothings and stroked her back.

“Why? ” Tara voice broke on the single syllable.

“Don't know, pet. But if I'd known then what I know now I'd have ripped his throat out. ” Spike voice took on a hard edge that once upon a time would have made Tara nervous. Now it was only comforting. When Spike threatened violence like that he was really saying, “I'll take care of you. I'll never let anyone hurt you. ”

Tara had never thought she ever feel safe in a man's embrace. But then, she had never known a man like Spike. His arms were strong and she could feel the corded muscle and had seen what it could do. But his skin was softer than her own.

It was this combination of power and vulnerability that defined her best friend to her.

It was this combination that made her feel safe.

* * *

Skating at Rockefeller Center for her birthday was another dream Tara didn't know she had. Spike was a good teacher and he glided over the ice as though he were born on it.

She watched him do a triple-axel just to show off to her and she couldn't help smiling. She watched several women give him admiring glances and knew he was totally oblivious to them.

She skated shakily over to him and he head out his arms. She felt like a toddler just learning to walk. She supposed this was a very appropriate feeling. This was her eighteenth birthday and this past year she felt as though she had been born anew.

She stumbled and fell just as she was getting within arms reach. But it was all right.

He caught her.

And she knew he always would.

* * *

Dancing naked under the full moon with hundreds of other people was something Tara had never imagined herself doing.

But coming to the Gaia Festival had been her idea.

She looked over at Spike who looked completely absorbed at the dance steps an African beauty was teaching him. Both of them were bare, of course, and their skin's contrasted beautifully in the moonlight.

Tara had her first sexual experience with a woman that night and it was everything she had ever wanted it to be. Her partner was a Hispanic woman named Carmen with the most beautiful ebony hair. It fell in a glorious mane of ringlets that caught the firelight and often appeared almost blue.

Spike had his own romp in the grass with his dance instructor and they both came away feeling cleansed and a little wild.

Tara fingered the hand-woven bracelets that Carmen had made them and smiled over at Spike. He was singing along to the Beatles on the radio and the highway stretched ahead of them as endless as a promise. She opened her mouth and let her voice harmonize with his for 'Let It Be' and nothing had ever seemed more appropriate.

* * *

One Year Later …

The Golden Girls played in the background and Tara was half-watching it and half-reading The Good Earth. Her fingers drifted through Spike's curls where he lay, his head pillowed on her stomach.

She put down the book suddenly, “You know how you promised to take me to London for my birthday next year? ”

Spike forced his eyes away from the argument between Dorothy and Blanche, “Mmmm, yeah. Then you get to see what real fish 'n chips are. ”

“Uh, huh. Well, I was thinking it would be lot nicer if we could walk about during the day. Then you could show me all the sights in broad daylight.

Spike lifted his head up and stared at her as if she'd grown a second head, “Um, as lovely as you are in full light, you've maybe forgot my little affliction- “

“I know. But I was reading about this stone called the Gem of Amarra- “

Spike cut her off, “It's not real, pet. That's a fairy story. ”

“I think it is. From what I've read, I think I know where it is, too. ”

Spike pulled himself up into a full sitting position, “But surely with all the vamps out there looking for it someone would have found it by now? ”

“I think maybe they read the signs wrong. I think it's right her in the U.S. ” Tara closed her book with a calm assertion.

Spike had great respect for Tara and when she said she thought something, it usually meant it was a certainty, “So you want us to find this rock? ”

“Well, I don't think it will be easy and it may take time and while we're looking I thought I might take in a year of school and we could settle somewhere for a year or so before going off to Europe. ”

Spike's face took on a pained look, “Love, if you want to go to school all you had to do was tell me! You can go anywhere you want, spare no expense. We can settle anywhere, I'll buy you a pretty little house and we'll set up for a while. We don't need to find the rock to do that. ”

Tara took hold of his hands, “I want us to find this for you. And for me. I miss you during the day if I go out and you can't come. I just want to give university a try and what better time than when we're looking for this. ”

Spike sighed, “You win. We'll dig up the rock. Where is it? ”

“I think you've already been there. You told me you've been to the Hellmouth in Sunnydale, California. That's where you ran into the Slayer right? I think the gem is buried somewhere under the town. ”

“Bloody Hell. ”

6.

(Author's Note: I'm sorry have haven't reponded to my lovely reviewers, I love you all for dropping me a line. Max, you seem to have read my mind. It's freaking me out. Are you channelling my muse, perhaps? Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how this site works, it's giving me some trouble and everything I go to click on jumps about ... Oh, well, read on..)

Spike was figuratively dragging his feet. Tara knew that and Spike knew that. It had taken them more than a month to get to California when the trip should have taken a little over a week.

Now that they were in the state, he seemed to find an endless array of distractions. First he suggested they visit the Salinas Valley because Tara had gone through a John Steinbeck phase a while back and she should see what he was writing about.

Then he had insisted she had to see San Francisco because Alcatraz was so interesting.

Tara had originally wanted to be in Sunnydale by the beginning of August to settle in before the semester began, but she was patient and had faith in her friend. No matter how little he wanted to get to their destination, she knew he wouldn't let her miss out on the classes she was so excited about taking.

And they were in Los Angeles on time anyway Tara reflected picking at Spike's Unagi. The little sushi place had beckoned to Spike apparently, and Tara, since trying the Japanese dish in San Francisco, wasn't likely to turn down a California Roll and some Gomaae.

Spike had even gone so far as to suggest they drop in on Angel in the Hyperion Hotel when Tara put her foot down.

But he worried her. She knew there was no love lost between he and his grand-sire. For him to want to see the other vampire in an effort to avoid the Hellmouth said volumes at how much he wanted to stay away.

But he was pressing on and she was proud of him. He had made the last year or so all about her. He deserved something of his own and Tara made a silent vow to make it up to him.

* * *

It was Tara who guided the Desoto the last twenty miles to the Hellmouth. One of the first things Spike had taught her was how to drive, though she preferred to be a passenger. Right now he seemed to need sometime to think things over and she was happy to make the sacrifice.

Tara flipped on the radio and fiddled around until she found a station playing Johnny Cash's Folsam Prison Blues. She was pleased because this was one of Spike's favorite songs. One his favorites that didn't involve Sid Vicious' limited bass capacity, anyway.

She glanced over at him when he started singing softly. His head rested against the window pane. Where his reflection should have been, highway signs flickered by uninterrupted. He didn't look cheered up. His singing took on a more mournful tone than she was used to.

“I hear the train a'coming, a'coming 'round the bend. I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when … ”

Tara bit her lip as they came to the Welcome to Sunnydale sign. Spike increased his volume.

“I'm stuck in Folsam Prison and time keeps draggin' on. And that train keeps a'rollin' on down to San Anton.

“When I was a baby, my mama told me, 'Son, always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns. But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die … ”

His voice made her want to cry all of a sudden. Spike could always convey emotion well when he sang and his voice was good if a little short on range. But the way he was singing now made Tara want to do a sharp u-turn and take them right out of this place that was making him sad.

But she made herself keep driving.

When the song finally came to an end, Spike turned to her, “That's how I felt, pet. When I was in that chair. It was like being locked inside your own body. Helpless. Angelus would- “

He stopped suddenly. Tara got some truly horrible mental images and was suddenly glad he hadn't continued. And then she felt guilty for that. Spike always listened to her no matter how awful what she had to tell him was.

“I'm sorry I made you come back here. ” Tara wiped a few stray tears away and parked the car in the Sunnydale Motor Inn parking lot.

“'S not your fault, love. Besides, it's all in the past. Maybe it's time I stopped running and just got over it. ”

'But you would never make me go back to Mississippi', Tara thought, 'You would never tell me to “just get over it ”'.

“And you need this schooling bit. I promised you the Sorbon and Oxford but if you really want this crappy little school you'll have it. ” Spike rifled through the glove compartment and pulled out a crumbled pack of Canadian cigarettes and his battered Zippo.

Tara felt a fresh wave of guilt. Spike had cut back severely on his smoking when her asthma had given her a coughing fit early in their relationship. He only smoked now when he was seriously upset and needed something to calm his frazzled nerves.

Tara watched him get out of the car and light up. He paced the length of the parking lot for a few minutes, a whirlwind of twitchy energy. His aura was shifting and crackling and Tara had to avert her eyes from the brightness of the flare-ups.

* * *

When they got settled into the room, Spike kept talking about how he knew so many of the underground tunnels in Sunnydale he could join her tomorrow and they could buy her books at the campus store and maybe pick her out a laptop. He kept moving around the room and it was making Tara dizzy.

“Why don't we do a calming spell and just relax for a little while. ” She suggested quietly, knowing full well he was going to agree to whatever she wanted.

They sat across from each other and Tara lit a white candle in between them. She laid out her hands palm up and Spike rested his hands on hers.

The ritual soothed him enough for Tara to bully him into bed. She curled up next to him and felt his body relax as sleep took over. He'd been manic too long to keep going. Tara reminded herself to find the butcher shop as early as possible tomorrow. Besides the sushi, Spike hadn't eaten in a while and he was sure to get cranky.

The thought made her smile. He could be a bit like a toddler sometimes. You had to remind him to eat when he got nervous or excited and you had to make him go to bed because he'd keep going until he dropped otherwise.

She reached over and smoothed out his curls, he whimpered in his sleep and nuzzled into her hand like a big cat. A fresh wave of tenderness made Tara's eyes prickle. No one would hurt him again when she was on watch. A fierce protectiveness forged out of the previous year's intense bonding swelled in her breast. Oh, no. He would be safe and she would keep him so.

No matter what it took.

7.

Book and computer buying had gone on without incident, though the totals on the register had made Tara feel a little faint. Spike handed over the money without blinking like he always did, however, so Tara just helped him carry it all back to car.

Looking for an apartment slightly after dark didn't go so well. Everything had either too much Eastern exposure or was in a bad neighborhood that Spike didn't want Tara wandering in. The last place they looked was the place they decided on. It was a small three-bedroom house with an ample backyard and a good amount of privacy.

They began moving in right away. Which led to the trip to IKEA. Which led to one of the weirdest situations of Spike's recent unlife.

* * *

They were in the bedroom section. Spike was making Tara laugh by 'testing' out all the beds for her 'soon to be frequent' bedroom activities. Tara didn't know about frequent but she certainly hoped there would be some.

“This head board'll be just right for grabbing on to in those special moments. Good and sturdy, doesn't move much. ” Spike gave the wrought iron a shake.

Tara was bright red but laughing uproariously, she sprawled next to him and stared up at the ceiling, “I can see myself in this bed. It's comfy and nice and big. ”

“Looking for a big girl, are you? Nice choice, they're much more fun. ”

Tara giggled, “Well you'd know better than me. Akasha from the Gaia Festival wasn't exactly small. ”

“Yeah, she was a lovely thing wasn't she? All that fine- “

“Spike? ”

A familiar face with a fashionable haircut was bending over him, “That is your name, isn't it? ”

They both sat up. Spike wiped him hands on his jeans and stuck one out, “Hullo, Joyce. Been awhile, hasn't it? ”

* * *

Somehow they'd been roped into helping Joyce pick out things for Buffy's dorm room. The woman kept up a steady stream of chatter over how proud she was of Buffy starting university on Monday and how she was taking some difficult courses and how she hoped she would do well.

Tara nodded at appropriate moments but finally gleaned some understanding of the situation when Spike leaned over a whispered, “Slayer's mum, “ in her ear.

They ended up having coffee and dessert with Joyce in the restaurant before going into the warehouse to pick up their new furniture.

“So what have you been up to this past year? ” Joyce looked at him with an open smile.

Spike couldn't help but smile back, he'd liked this woman from the moment he had met her, “Well, a bit of this and that. Met Tara awhile back and we've been traveling around seeing what there is to see. I've given up the whole eating people thing. That wasn't easy. But Tara's sort of a one step program. ”

Joyce beamed at him, “So you two are together? ”

“No, not like that. We're friends. Best friends. ” Tara smiled over at Spike and stole a bite of his cake.

“Well that's good. I'm glad to hear everything's worked out for you. I wondered what had happened to you sometimes. Whenever I asked Buffy she'd get mad and say, 'He's a vampire, Mom. He's killer, who cares what happened to him.' But I always knew you had something special in you. ”

Spike's face fell a bit at the mention of the Slayer but he perked up when he heard Joyce had thought about him. It felt nice to be worried about.

“So, if you don't mind me asking, why isn't Buffy here with you? ” Tara inquired licking the whipped cream off her spoon.

Joyce sighed, Spike got the impression that she was lonelier than she let on. He could sympathize.

“Buffy's been busy lately with registering for courses and the slaying. She's moving into the dorm tomorrow and she's just so excited about it. ”

“And you're afraid she's excited about moving away from you? ” Tara asked reaching out her hand to Joyce's.

“Exactly! She isn't happy about the classes or the extracurricular activities, she's only happy about moving out of the house. ” Joyce picked at her pie.

“I'm sure once she actually does it, she's going to realize how nice it was at home. She'll probably be a bit home sick. ” Tara soothed.

“Is that how you felt when you left? ” Joyce asked with obvious interest.

“Um, no. But my situation was much different. ” Tara glanced down at her empty plate.

“Oh. ” Joyce said with obvious sympathy. Then her face lit up, “Why don't you two join me for dinner tonight? I've been looking for an excuse to try a new spaghetti sauce recipe and Buffy's never home anymore and it's not much fun just cooking for yourself. ”

“We'd love to. ” Tara answered for the both of them, “Is there anything you'd like us to bring? ”

* * *

1630 Revello Drive was just as Spike remembered it. It was clean, whitewashed and the lawn was perfectly manicured. Walking up the driveway, Spike reflected on the last tense moments he'd spent in this house. He adjusted the bouquet of flowers and rang the doorbell. There was no alliance with the Slayer this time. He was not the monster he had been the last time he'd stood on this porch.

Tara beamed over at him. She was happy with the dinner invitation and spoke at length about how much she like Joyce while they had assembled their new living room set. He suspected Joyce reminded her of her own mother.

Joyce opened the door wide with a welcoming smile.

Come to think of it, Joyce reminded him of his own mother, too.

Maybe she represented All Mothers. All warm understanding and forgiveness. Spike presented her with the flowers proudly; they'd been his idea, after all. And he crossed the threshold completely wanted.

* * *

After hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and a wonderful taramisu that no one could believe was frozen, Spike and Tara began to thank Joyce for the lovely dinner and assure her as soon as they got settled in, she would be invited over for some of Tara's cooking.

Spike would buy the dessert.

Joyce looked very pleased at the invitation, “If there's anything you two need in your new place, don't hesitate to let me know. I have so many extra this-and-that's the basement's full of things we don't use. And I know all the best places in town for framing if you need anything for those bare walls. ”

They assured her that they would take her up on her offer and they said polite goodbyes.

On the walk home Tara took him hands and swung it back and forth in exuberance, “You see? Coming back wasn't so hard, was it? I'm sure things will be much easier for you in no time. ”

“That was the Slayer's mum, pet. Not the Slayer. They're not a thing alike. ” Spike didn't want to burst her bubble but he felt she had to know this at least.

“How bad can she be? ”

8.

(Author's Note: As am quite sick and feverish I may not take responsibilty for this chapter when well. Thanks again to every one who has left me a review. Someone mentioned something about betas once and I really should look into that if they are still interested.)

The last week before the first day of classes had passed in a whirlwind. The hunt for the gem was well underway and Tara was confident that they would have it by the following weekend.

She had gone a bit wild decorating the house. It looked in parts shrouded and mysterious and in others glittery like a fairytale. It was better than she had expected. Most of their new furniture had been put together. Only Spike's bedroom remained in pieces. But Tara was unconcerned with that. She'd shared a bed with him for the better part of the last year and a few more days would be fine. She glanced into the room that would be Spike's right across the hall. If they placed the bed where she wanted to they would be laying side by side only nine steps away. She'd counted.

Tomorrow was the first day of her life as a university student and she was tired but strumming with excitement. She had her bag all packed, her course schedule and campus map printed and waiting on the kitchen table. She was beyond ready. Spike had always said, 'There was prepared, and then there was Tara.'

She forced herself to close her eyes. Spike was off at the dig site and wasn't there to soothe her to sleep. She was a big girl, she thought, she didn't need her Spike-shaped security blanket.

Three hours later he came home to Tara baking in the kitchen and made her go to bed.

* * *

The first thought that crossed Tara's mind when she woke up was, 'Oh, goddess, no.'

The second was how quickly she could get to the bathroom when she needed to. Then Spike was there holding back her hair and rubbing her back. Her entire body was trembling and weak. Her jaw ached from throwing up and her eyes seeped tears of frustration.

“I can't be sick on the first day, Spike, I just can't! ”

But she was whether she willed not to be or otherwise.

* * *

Spike tried his best to make everything better. He was a good nurse. All that practice with Drusilla had been for good ends. But she was nearly inconsolable.

“I'll miss everything and I'll be SO behind! What am I going to do? I was really looking forward to this. ”

Spike fluffed her pillows and made her lay back down before she got dizzy again, “Now, pet, it's not that bad. You'll just get the notes from someone and catch up in no time. ”

Tara sniffed, “I don't know anyone, though. And- “ A look of excitement crossed her face that made Spike worry, “Unless you go to class for me and take notes! Please, Spike! Please! It'll just be for a few days and I'll be right on track and you're good at summarizing. I've heard you break 'Passions' down in ways I don't think the writers could do! ”

Spike winced, on one hand, it would make his girl happy and he'd go to the ends of the Earth to do that. On the other hand, he'd look like a ponce in a college classroom with a bunch of eighteen-year-old humans.

He looked at her pleading expression again and sighed. As if it were even a debate.

* * *

It wasn't so bad, Spike thought, wedging himself in a weirdly shaped desk in the front row. He opened Tara's bag and pulled out her pink clipboard full of loose leaf and uncapped a fluffy purple pen. And it was only for a few days.

That was until he saw her and she spotted him.

It would have been much more of a surprise if Buffy's mother hadn't gone on forever about how nice dinner had been with Spike and his new friend. Buffy had tried to explain to her mother why it wasn't a good idea to go about inviting the evil undead in to eat and her mother had only given her exasperated looks and informed her Spike was on the 'no-people' diet. Buffy had snorted at that, but as her mother was still alive, Buffy could only huff in private.

Now seeing him in her Psych 101 class was a bit more of a shock.

“What are you doing here? ” She demanded, hand on hip.

“Keeping up with the old book learning, And yourself? ” Spike cock one eyebrow in that way that made her crazy.

“If you are quite through with your conversation? Would it be alright for the rest of us to carry on with this class? ”

The loud voice made Buffy spin on a dime. She realized everyone else had sat down already and the professor was glaring at her. The room was dead silent and Buffy turned bright red. She spun back around and realized the only free seat was at Spike's right, she dropped her books on the desk and sat down hurriedly.

* * *

It was just like him to ruin her first day of college, Buffy thought, glaring at the vampire next to her who hadn't taken his eyes off the page in front of him since the class had started.

His hair was different, she noticed idly. He still dressed the same, black jeans and Doc Martens and she could see the infamous Black Duster hanging over the back of his chair. His shirt was actually not black though it was a very dark blue that brought out his eyes. Buffy forced her mind away from this scary thought. He'd let the bleach grow out so only the tips were white. And he had CURLS! This was major teasing material. She could wait until the class was over to bring it up.

Class. GAH! Her eyes snapped to the clock on the wall and she realized Professor Walsh had been talking for twenty minutes and she had yet to take a single word down. Her eyes skittered to Spike's notes. He had three-quarters of a page worth. She quickly began copying them down.

Spike glanced over at her blatant cheating and rolled his eyes. Little chit couldn't manage her own notes? His were perfect, of course, because they were for Tara. He'd written as carefully and as neatly as he knew how and he'd used different colored pens for each new topic. He'd also highlighted the topic-titles and refrained from doodling in the margins.

He closed the clipboard carefully when the class ended so he wouldn't smudge the ink and made a quick exit in order to make it to the next class.

Buffy looked up and Spike was gone. She pouted a bit. A perfectly good taunting opportunity was wasted. She felt put out. And immediately shut her brain down. She did NOT want Spike around under any circumstances. Even if he was all not with the people-drinking.

9.

Three days of rushing from class to class, pampering Tara, and nights spent digging for the gem were taking their toll. Spike was exhausted. He was averaging an hour of sleep per twenty-four hour period, he kept missing meals, gulping down a cup of blood whenever he happened to think of it, and he hadn't seen 'Passions' in nearly a week.

But his furious pace paid off. Finally cracking through the last wall of rock and getting into the chamber even made up for two classes of sitting next to the Slayer and feeling her glares as if they were physical sensations.

It had taken quite a bit of testing with various crosses in the room to determine which piece of priceless jewelry was the legendary Gem of Amarra, he sported more burns then he'd care to count when he finally figured out it was the small innocuous looking green ring.

His step had a bounce in it he hadn't had for weeks as he gathered up as much of the side treasures that he could carry. These would fund as much school as Tara wanted and take them to Europe besides. In fact, these might have Tara quite comfortable into old age.

He practically skipped home. The only thoughts that bogged down his mind were the Slayer's hissed comments that morning.

It had been the second Psych 101 class and Buffy flounced in and deliberately sat beside him. She kept her trap shut until the bell and then leaned over and held his arm in an iron grip, “Listen, Spike. I know you may have fooled my mother and that weird little friend she keeps talking about, but you haven't fooled me. I don't believe you've stopped feeding for a second. And when I catch you, you'll be blowing in the wind and the world will be a better place. ”

He didn't know why it hurt. Why should the Slayer believe him? He'd tried to kill her so many times in the past. But he'd worked so hard. He'd never worked harder at anything than he'd worked at being good for Tara.

It hurt not to be acknowledged. And it hurt that she hated him enough to think everyone would be better off without him.

Even in the height of his glory days of trying to do her in, Spike had never thought the world would be better for her death. That wasn't the point. Spike respected her even then and it hurt not to be respected back.

But he pushed her out of his mind. The Slayer was not his problem. He wasn't feeding, she was wrong. And he had a sick girl at home to take care of and he had to buy popsicles on the way.

She liked the root beer ones and they only sold those at the small Asian market on main.

* * *

“So, what evil things has Spike been doing? ” Willow asked, putting her books down carefully on the desk. Willow wasn't one to toss books on the bed. They were sacred objects.

“Well, he's been taking a lot of notes. And I mean A LOT of notes. I don't know how he writes so fast. Must be something they teach you in Evil School. ” Buffy picked at a cuticle and shifted Mr. Gordo over so she could sit on her bed.

“Yeah, I hear Shorthand was one of Stalin's best subjects. So, he's just all about the notes. That doesn't sound so bad. And you didn't see him eat anyone. Bonus him! ” Willow smiled over at her friend but it weakened at Buffy's resentful face.

“Pssh, yeah, like he's going to be snacking on co-eds right in front of me. I can't figure out what he's doing with the notes. It HAS to be something dastardly. ”

Willow hemmed a bit. She had had to fight the urge to go over to Spike today and complement his new hair. He seemed tame enough. He hadn't caused a scene, which was really more than you could say about Buffy at this point.

“Yeah, we'll figure it out. ” Willow offered.

“Yeah, anyway, enough about Spike. Parker asked me out for coffee! ” Buffy's voice lifted a bit, but to Willow it sounded strained, like Buffy was trying very hard to be excited.

“Yay, you! See, normalcy is just around the corner! ” Willow was also trying very hard to be excited, but Oz was spending time with that Veruca girl and as understanding as she tried to be, she just kept falling short.

* * *

Tara was very pleased with the ring, she tried it one and could feel the magical essence and it was surprisingly clean for something intended for vampires. She sat in bed, propped up by pillows and ate popsicles as they made plans to find a demon doctor to perform the implant surgery. Spike knew a few people he could visit that very night and he was quite confident they would be discrete.

She wished she could go with him, but she knew he could handle his own. Spike set her up with the telly and a pile of Wicca and feminist magazines and went off to find his old friend Clem.

* * *

The operation hadn't taken long and Clem seemed quite confident the already healing tissues would keep it in place. Spike felt his abdomen gingerly on the walk home only to be told not to pick at it.

Clem's pay consisted of an order of hot wings, three bags of Doritos and a six-pack. Spike considered the services rendered to be worth quite a bit more than that so he threw in two Siamese he'd won at a poker game the night before. Clem seemed pleased as punch and offered himself up for any doctoring needs Spike may have in the future. Spike privately hoped the healing powers of the gem would prevent all possible needs, but it wasn't only he who may need demon doctoring and he gladly accepted.

* * *

Tara was slowly getting better and she was eager to join Spike out in the sun, which he had yet to take full advantage of. She promised him a day at the beach as soon as he was feeling better, “I've always wanted to learn how to surf! They have lessons only a few miles from town. ” She looked excited and Spike felt excited for her

Spike was making it his priority to avoid the Slayer and her little daily warnings but she even had the gall to ask other students to move just so she could sit next to him. On one occasion a lanky boy with mournful brown eyes joined her.

After listening to two minutes of conversation with the poof-alike, Spike drew her aside after class, “Look, I know you hate me- “

“Understatement of the century, ” She snorted.

Spike took a few deep, unnecessary breathes, “I know that, but that little wanker is a bad egg. ”

“Why? Because he's human and normal? You have no right to pass judgment on him or on me! You're the worst person in ANY room; you do know that, right? You're an evil, undead freak and I'd appreciate if you kept your mouth shut about my love life, which is FINE by the way with no input from you. ” Buffy stormed off fuming.

Spike looked after her and watched the boy follow, “Don't say I didn't warn you. ” He muttered under his breath.

10.

(Author's Note: I know it's been less than five hours since I posted Chapter Nine, but I figured SOMEONE should benefit from my illness-induced insomnia...)

Tara was up and about by Thursday night and she decided they could both play hooky and get the time in the sun early. Spike had never been happier to hear anything. He'd been dreading another encounter with the Slayer and he had just been given a free ride.

With any luck, he'd never see her again. Well, at least never have to sit next to her in classes. It was inevitable that they run into each other in a town this size.

The trip to the beach on Friday was preceded by a trip to a surf shop to buy boards and get them suitably attired. Tara picked out Spike's clothes as well as her own. She bought him three pairs of board shorts. They were all vaguely the same Hawaiian-style surf flowers. A pair that was dark blue, a red pair, and finally one in dark green.

Excepting the red, these were colors that had taken Spike weeks of convincing to wear in the past. He put them on now without argument. She also picked him out a pair of Birkenstocks, some sunglasses, and a few non-black muscle shirts. She refused the black one's he kept nudging towards her.

“Spike, you own too much black as it is. It won't dust you to wear white every once in a while. ”

For herself, she picked out some modest beach clothes and a fashionable one-piece. This was where Spike drew the line. He convinced her to try on several bikinis and actually buy one.

Tara had never owned such an article of clothing in her life. She was certain she would never wear it. She told him so and he would hear none of it.

“You look absolutely lush in it, love. You can't expect all the birds to come calling if you don't flash the wears every now and then. ”

Tara rolled her eyes and bought a very large bottle of strong sunscreen. She burnt easily and she knew Spike would, too. One hundred and twenty-odd years out of the sun probably left his skin without any protection.

Tara was still set against wearing the bikini until they got to the station at the beach to meet their instructor. Tara got a good look at Julia and decided maybe she didn't look chubby in the two-piece after all.

* * *

Surfing turned out to be more fun than Tara could believe. Spike was a natural, of course. All that vampiric grace and perfect balance made him born to surf. Or turned to surf, Tara corrected herself.

Julia kept asking him if he was quite sure this was his first time on a board.

Tara was not a natural. But she had a lot of fun making mistakes.

Spike was having a blast. He war-whooped every time he wiped out and every time he didn't. The only thing he didn't like was Tara dragging him to shore every two hours to slather on more waterproof sunscreen.

“Trust me, Spike. You'll thank me for this when you're not in agony tonight with sunburns. ”

Julia was more interested in Spike than Tara, sadly. They were invited to a barbeque that evening on the shore and Tara didn't even think to refuse.

Sitting in the cooling sand with her best friend drinking hard lemonade and eating messy ribs was an excellent way to end any day. The fire cast an eerie glow and someone brought out a guitar and someone else brought out some bongos and the sounds of Dispatch's 'The General' floated along the breeze.

She found herself singing along when Spike did and she felt absolutely infinite.

Spike had taken piles of notes, she had the books, she was smart and school was going to be fine.

She lived in a gorgeous little house she was having so much fun decorating with her very best friend in the world. She was thousands of miles away from Mississippi.

Life was wonderful.

'I have seen the others and I have discovered, that this fight is not worth fighting. And I've seen their mothers and I will no other to follow me where I'm going.

'So take a shower and shine your shoes, you've got no time to lose. You are young men you must be living … Go now, you are forgiven … ”

* * *

“So was it a good first day in the sun? ” Tara asked, knowing he'd purposely saved up his first sun experiences for her.

Spike laughed wildly and turned cartwheels in the sand.

Tara took that as a yes and joined him feeling a bit drunk and a bit stoned and a whole lot of bubbly happiness.

* * *

Eating lunch on the patio of the Sunshine Café had been Tara's Saturday plans. It was a whole foods restaurant and the only one of it's kind in Sunnydale. Tara had been dying to try it but it was only open during the day. Tara still hadn't worked up the courage to go into a 'sit-down' restaurant by herself.

They'd been peacefully sipping fruit spritzer and munching on a shared Cobb Salad when Spike closed his eyes while chewing and turned his face upward. Tara knew he was lost in the moment. She mimicked him and enjoyed a few minutes of warm sunshine on her face with the taste of avocado in her mouth.

Then came the rude awakening, “What the Hell is going on? ”

A total stranger had waked up to them from the sidewalk and grabbed Spike's neck.

* * *

Buffy had been walking down the street thinking about how powerless she felt about Oz leaving and Willow's subsequent devastation. He had seemed like the perfect boyfriend.

You know, if you could get over the whole werewolf thing.

That was when she saw him. And did a double take. And saw him again.

Spike, sitting in an outdoor café in full sunlight with some earth-mother type in a swishy peasant skirt.

It couldn't possibly …

But it was, she stomped right over and grabbed him to check his pulse, “What the Hell is going on? ”

* * *

Spike wrenched her hand away from his neck, “Bloody Hell, Slayer. Do you often walk up to people minding their own business and choke them? ”

“No, but you aren't a person. ”

Tara felt the words like a slap. How DARE she? Tara no longer cared that this was a perfect stranger. No one got to talk to Spike like that. He WAS a person.

And for that matter, who made her the judge for all mankind?

Tara was about to open her mouth when she was saved the trouble.

“Excuse me, miss. But you are causing a disturbance. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. ” The waiter looked like he meant business. A rather mean looking busboy was at his direct right.

* * *

Buffy looked around and realized everyone was staring at her again. She flushed red, “Sorry. ”

And she quietly moved away. But she leaned in a whispered, “This isn't over. I want some answers. ”

Tara felt herself bristle again. She had to consciously shove her hand down from waving a nasty hex in the other girl's direction.

As she left, Spike cocked one eyebrow, “Well, now you've met the Slayer, not that bad at all is she? ”

Tara snorted and went through a mental list of relatively harmless but terribly embarrassing curses the girl could be afflicted with.

And strangely enough, felt no guilt at all.

11.

Tara came home starry-eyed and spinning circles. Spike looked up from One Hundred Years of Solitude grinning, “And what did we do today? ”

“We met someone. ” Tara flopped down next to him, then jerked back to her feet and danced into the kitchen.

Spike watched her with amusement and a little sadness. It wouldn't be long before his precious gift had to be shared with someone else, “And who might this someone be? ”

“No names yet. I'm not really sure she's even gay. But I definitely felt some interest. Of course, it could be just the spell we did. ”

“So she was in that Wiccan group you joined? I thought you said they were a lot of ninnies. ” Spike bookmarked his place with a feather he found on the table and sat up Indian-style.

Tara put the kettle on and got out two mugs and her special homemade blend of peppermint tea, “Well, she just joined today. But I think we might just both leave and start our own club. ” She managed to make the last phrase sound saucy. She'd learned a lot from Spike.

“Ooooh! So, what does she look like? Big girl? ”

“No, she's smaller than me. She has the most unusual red hair and the nicest complexion I've ever seen. ” Tara poured the water and let the infuser sit to seep.

Spike felt a few minor warning bells but dismissed them, as if the stars would be that cruel.

“So is there a second meeting planned? ” Spike raised one eyebrow.

Tara smiled secretly, “Maybe, we talked about doing a locator spell together soon. ”

“That sounds more like a definitely than a maybe. ” Spike remarked, sipping at the tea offered to him.

Tara just beamed and drank from her own cup.

* * *

“It's much more of a wonky rabbit than a gopher. Oh, wait there go the ears. You're right. It's definitely a gopher. ” Spike cast his eyes to the next cloud formation.

“That one's a train if it got bit in half by a giant- “ Tara was cut off by the sounds of a scene taking place immediately to her right.

They both sat up and joined the audience watching the two young people square off. It was the blonde girl that had accosted them in the café two weekends before.

It sounded like she was being brushed off, thoroughly. Tara winced; she wouldn't wish a conversation like this on her worst enemy.

As the boy walked away and the Slayer turned around, Tara could see the beginnings of tears building in her eyes. She froze when she saw them. Neither of them said anything and the Slayer turned away and walked off. Tara noticed she was wiping her face several times as she made her way across the campus grass.

Spike lay back down next to her and she joined him, “That didn't sound pleasant. ”

“I tried to warn her, you know. I know his type. I've seen a thousand just like him. ” Spike picked at the sleeve of his shirt.

“She didn't listen, I take it. ” Tara rolled over to face him.

“No. Would you? If you were her and I tried to kill you two years ago? ”

“I guess not. ” Tara studied his face. He looked uncomfortable and a little sad. It hit her suddenly; he didn't want the Slayer's heart broken. He didn't want to see her cry. In spite of all that had passed between them, even in the last few weeks, Spike did not want her to hurt.

It occurred to Tara how much Spike had grown. When she had first met him, he came to care for her easily enough. But everyone else could go straight to Hell for all he cared. He didn't eat people back then because she wouldn't like it.

But now, he had inklings of compassion for others, even those he didn't particularly like.

She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

“Not that I'm complaining, love, but what was that for? ” He smiled at her.

She smiled back, “For being you. And for trying to warn her even though you knew you wouldn't get anywhere. ”

* * *

The cloud provided another hour's worth of entertainment until they were politely interrupted, “Tara? ”

A familiar redhead leaned over them, “Spike?! ”

They both sat up and chorused, “Yes? ”

Willow looked from one to the other and couldn't believe she hadn't made the connection. Buffy had ranted about Spike's 'weird' friend and Tara had talked about her best friend and roommate but neither had named names.

She studied the pair as they picked themselves up off the grass, Tara looked relaxed and happy. Not at all how she looked in the Wiccan group. Then again, Willow herself was tense in that group.

Spike looked like he had been born and raised in California. His skin was tanned a light gold, she made a mental note to ask about the sunnage. She had a feeling they might actually tell her as opposed to Buffy. His grown out hair fell in loose dark blonde curls, it was bleached a bit naturally by the sun and consequently streaked in lighter colors.

And she was a little startled to see him in sandals.

“S-so this is your friend? ” Willow asked Tara, avoiding Spike's eyes. He still made her a little nervous.

“Yeah, this is Spike, but you said his name. I'm assuming you've already met. ” Tara stepped a little closer to her friend, just in case. She really liked Willow, but if she turned out to be another Buffy, all bets were off.

“Red here is a friend of the Slayer. ” Spike gestured to Willow and nudged Tara forward a bit. Just because the girl didn't like him was no reason to deprive Tara of a love interest. Willow was a fine enough bird as he remembered.

“Really? ” Tara couldn't keep the astonishment off her face.

“Um, so I'm guessing you're already in on the demon and vampire thing? ” Willow asked quietly.

“Uh, yeah, for a while now. Kind of hard when, until recently, your best friend had a sun allergy and an aversion to holy relics. Not to mention the blood drinking. ” Tara was still feeling a bit defensive.

“Oh, yeah! I heard you gave that up! Not the blood drinking, the people blood drinking. I mean the from the neck people blood drinking … ” Willow wrung her hands helplessly.

“Red, you're rambling. ” Spike smirked because he always sort of had a soft spot for this one.

“Oh, yeah, I do that. So is it true? ”

“Well, for more than a year. Going on a year and a half next month. ” Spike stuck his thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans and preened a bit.

“Well, yay you! I mean that's great. And you're with the sun tanning and everything … So, what's with that by the way? ” Willow was already starting to relax a bit hearing a confirmation of Spike's new diet.

“Why don't we go out for mochas and we'll tell you the story? ” Tara was relaxing too; her claws were sheathed with Willow's supportive words.

12.

(Author's Note: After reading your reviews, it occured to me that I am quite stupid. Of course it would be suicide to trust Willow now! Thankfully, Tara thinks of everything... *snicker*

And for those of you that wish to see a kinder, gentler Buffy, the chapter after this one may be a traumatic for you, but I PROMISE it is the turning point where Buffy's feeling start to change. I'm not saying there won't be more Bitchzilla moments for her after that, it is in her character make-up after all, but it will let up. Now if you're still reading this, stop and get to the chapter already!)

Sitting across from Willow in the booth at the Espresso Pump, they presented an admirable united front. Willow sipped her mocha and licked whip cream off her lips, “So, about the sunlight thing …? ”

Spike opened his mouth but Tara beat him to it, “Spell. We had a spell cast. In Salem at the Gaia Festival last year. ”

Spike stared at her for a few seconds but went with it, “Yeah, er, a coven from Devon offered when they heard about my new diet. ”

“Really? That must be a pretty powerful spell. ” Willow forgot all about her coffee, “What did they do? ”

Spike watched in awe as Tara began describing a complex and very probable sort of spell that could protect a vampire from the sun. Willow asked questions, Tara had answers.

When Willow excused herself to go to the bathroom, Spike turned to the girl at his right, “What's with the lying? I thought you liked this bird. ”

“It's not really lying. That's a spell I researched in case we couldn't find the gem. And I do like her, a lot. ” Tara took a sip of her hot chocolate, “But that doesn't mean I trust her with our secrets. ”

Spike raised his eyebrows, “Good point. ”

When Willow got back to the table she seemed excited, “Xander, Anya and I are going to the Bronze tonight. I think Buffy has patrol. So do you two want to come? ”

Tara gave her a broad smile and kicked Spike sharply under the table before he could refuse, it wasn't enough to hurt, but it was enough for him to know that she meant business.

“We'd love to come. ”

* * *

Spike pouted the entire way. He moaned when Tara made him change his shirt twice. He pretended to have misplaced the car keys, and he even tried to tell her he had contracted a rare form of Blood Fever that was of the twenty-four hour variety and didn't maim it's victims too much.

Tara let it go and made him change his shoes.

They stood in front of the club and Tara fixed his collar again, “Spike, all you have to do is try. Just be open. Don't be snarky. And remember I need this and I'll blame you forever if this doesn't work out. And there will be crying. Do you want me to cry, Spike? ”

He looked horrified, “No! ”

“Then just TRY to get along, that's all I'm asking. ”

Spike's shoulders slumped; it really was the least he could do. It was only for a few hours. He was a master vampire. He had survived being under Angelus' thumb for decades. What was a bunch of young people when compared to that?

Tara deserved this. She put up with him and she wanted this thing with Red to work. All he had to do what get on with her friends. The Slayer wasn't even involved.

And the place served alcohol, he thought, that always helps.

* * *

Inside, Xander was getting his own version of the 'behave or else' speech.

“Don't antagonize him, whatever you do. People get weak and cheat on their diets all the time, remember? Do you want to be his Twinkie? ” Willow gave him her resolve face.

Xander stared down at the table, “No. ”

“No, what? ”

“No, I don't want to be his Twinkie. ” Xander swallowed, “How sure are you of this change and all? They didn't mention a soul, did they? I can work with a soul. That way I can still hate him and he'd feel too guilty to kill me. ”

“No soul. Just Spike being nice. We want Spike to keep on being nice. So you have to be nice, too. All I'm asking you to do is try, Xander. ”

Xander stared back down at the table, after all Willow done for him, it was really the least he could do, wasn't it? He'd put up with years of Angel, nothing and no one could be as bad as Angel.

Spike had punched Angel once, right in front of him and that had been sort of cool. Xander briefly got lost in the daydream that caused.

“Xander are you paying attention? ”

He snapped back into reality, “Yes. Yes I am. ”

“Good, because here they come. ” Willow got up and beamed at the pair weaving through the crowd.

* * *

Tara felt familiar feelings of anxiety start to build and she reached back and took Spike's hand. It was cool and strong like it always was and she felt a bit better.

“Guys, this is Tara, that girl I told you about from my Wicca Group. And you know Spike. ” Willow began.

“I don't. ” Anya interrupted suddenly.

Willow blinked, Anya had been unusually quiet so far and Willow had begun to forget she was there at all.

Anya got up and held out one hand stiffly, “Anyanka, formally of D'Hoffren. I was a Justice Demon for some time, you've heard of me. ”

She said the last bit in statement form instead of raising the syllables to sound questioning.

Spike shook her hand; “Heard of D'Hoffren, Dru had him at a party once in Austria. I don't really know any of his girls. Hear you do good work, though. ”

Anya preened under the praise and responded to Spike comments like she'd been waiting for them all her life.

While Anya was talking, Willow and Tara excused themselves to head out to the dance floor. Xander sat back and sipped his Coke; this was actually shaping up to be easier than he thought. He didn't even need to talk to the guy with the way Anya was going on. This whole behaving thing was a breeze.

Unfortunately, even Anya couldn't talk indefinitely and sooner or later; she had to visit the Ladies' Room.

Which left Xander and Spike alone at the table. They sat in silence for a few minutes, each hoping to be rescued by a friend. Then Spike got up, which made Xander jump. They stared at each other.

Spike finally said, “I'm going up for a pint, you want anything? ”

Xander did an excellent fish impersonation when asked certain questions, “Yeah, I'll have one of those. ”

“Right then. ” And Spike was gone.

And it occurred to Xander the exact value of having a friend both older and with loose morals. When Spike placed the beer in front of him, Xander immediate remarked, “So, Willow says you surf now? ”

* * *

Buffy strolled into the club, dressed to the nines. She'd finished patrol early, and after rechecking the due date of her English paper, discovered she had some free time. She refused when Willow had asked if she wanted to go two days before.

She smiled at the thought of surprising them and it would even be worth putting up with Anya for a night. She really needed to blow off some steam.

13.

Xander completely forgot about behaving, eventually. He didn't need to. Spike had started on about surfing and Xander got caught up in the conversation because it was something he had always wanted to do. And before he even realized it, he had agreed to accompany Spike on one of his many morning trips to the beach to catch some waves.

Anya had returned and demanded what exactly she would be doing at the beach, as all Xander's free time belonged to her. Spike suggested sun bathing and she looked delighted.

Tara and Willow were making no motions that indicated they were returning to the table and Spike surprised himself when he realized he'd stopped looking.

* * *

Buffy broke out into a wide grin when she spotted Xander at a table in the crowd. The smile dropped sharply when she realized who was with him. She froze. What the Hell? Was she ever going to get away from this vampire and his weird stalking behavior?

Everywhere she turned there he was. And he kept insisting that he wasn't up to anything! Of course he was. He was insinuating himself with her friends to get close enough to take another shot at her.

And he was ruining her night out.

Buffy stomped up to the table and slapped her purse down. Xander jumped a foot, “B-Buffy! Hey, long time no slay! Heh, I thought you couldn't make it tonight? ”

Buffy gave him a broad, fake smile, “Just thought I'd stop by and see what my best friends are up to. ” She sat down across from Spike.

Spike swallowed thickly, he could feel her hostility bleeding into the air. He felt his back muscles tense up and he glanced across the dance floor at Tara.

Her back was to him and when she turned he got her side profile. She was happy. She was laughing and dancing and he couldn't ruin this for her.

“So, Spike. Dru finally got sane and dumped your ass, huh? ” Buffy kept that fake smile bright.

Spike started twisting a beer bottle car between his fingers, “Yeah, she left me about a year and a half ago. In Brazil. ”

“So, you thought you could just find yourself a nice little human to be your whore. Does she let you drink from her, Spike? Is that how it works? ”

Spike flicked the bottle cap over and over between his thumb and his forefinger, “No, it's nothing like that- “

“Yeah, because people are just so drawn to your winning personality. ” The smile had finally fallen off Buffy's face and her voice was cold.

“She-I- It's not like that at all- “ Spike began rubbing the bottle cap more forcefully.

Xander sat next to Spike staring at Buffy. He wasn't quite sure how to feel but he really didn't want to be sitting at this table. He glanced over at Spike and nearly choked.

His eyes morbidly followed the path of the bottle cap edge as it cut skin. He felt prickled of cold sweat along his neck. Oh, God. Why won't she stop? What is he doing?

“Yeah, I completely believe you. You just have such an honest face. Well, I'll tell you something, Spike. Once we figure out a way to break this little thrall thing you have over her, she won't be anywhere near you. She won't want to be anywhere near you. Because if you think for one second that I believe someone that isn't as twisted and sick as you are would want to voluntarily be with you- “

“What's going on? ” Tara voice was like a switch. It shut off the buzzing in his head that accompanied Buffy's words.

“Spike? Jesus Christ! What-? ” Tara yanked up his sleeve further and bared his forearm.

The words 'BE GOOD' had been carved into it half a dozen times.

The blood had seeped down onto the table into a slow trickle and droplet by droplet made it's way to the floor.

Spike stared at it like he'd never seen it before. Tara realized with a sharp chill, that he had no idea he had been doing it. She whipped a headscarf out of her bag and wrapped around his arm.

Xander kept trying to swallow, but his throat felt like it had swollen to twice its normal size. He felt like he'd been trying to talk for hours but nothing had ever come out. He opened and closed his mouth and he still could push words out.

“What the Hell is going on? ” Tara's voice had tears in it but it was quite clear, and unusually loud.

Buffy was staring at the blood soaked piece of fabric and didn't answer.

Tara had had enough; she coaxed Spike to his feet and began to gather their things.

Buffy finally found her voice, it sounded quite dead, though, and a little uncertain, “I won't play these games with you, Spike. They're beneath me. You're beneath me. ”

Tara felt a solid wall of rage push forth but she forced it back. The first tenet of Wicca was 'If it harm none, do as ye will.' And she wanted very much to harm.

“Come one, Spike. ” Tara fixed Buffy with a glare that could cut glass, “Let's go be beneath her together. ”

* * *

Willow found them a short time later on a park bench near the campus. Tara was seated upright and Spike was curled up with his head on her lap.

Tara was stroking his hair and seemed to be explaining things, “Spike, I understand that you were angry and being angry is O.K. Buffy probably deserved it. But you can't turn your anger inward like that, it's dangerous and self-destructive and it doesn't stop the anger. ”

“But you were having a good time. I didn't want to ruin it. ” Spike's voice sounded thick and Willow's chest ached a bit when she realized he must have been crying.

“Buffy did that all by herself. ” Tara remarked darkly.

Willow walked up slowly, “Can I sit down? I want to join the 'Beneath Buffy Club', too. ”

Spike shifted his legs and sat up to make room, “I have one rule. ” He said quietly and turned to her. Willow could the red tinge to his eyes that confirmed her suspicions.

“O.K, I'm good with rules. Never break those babies. I toe the line and follow the straight and narrow and- “

“Red, you're babbling again. ” Spike smiled a bit and Willow was heartened.

“Sorry, I do that. So what's the initiation rule? Do you want me to run her panties up the flagpole? 'Cause I'm pretty upset with her, too and I'd feel totally comfortable with doing that. ”

“No, pet. You can't keep my girl here a secret from your mates anymore. You tell them she's not just your little friend from Wicca Group. She's worth more than that, a lot more. She's no one's dirty little secret. ” Spike's eyes narrowed and his mouth thinned.

Willow looked down at her knees, “You're right. Tara, I'm sorry. I-I-I was just so worried about what they'd say, you know? It'd be like, 'So, your boyfriend leaves and you're gay now?' ”

“Well, isn't that what happened? ” Tara asked softly from Spike's other side.

Willow heart skipped it's usual beats whenever Tara spoke to her, she couldn't help the soft smile that spread across her face at the heady feeling, “Yeah, I guess that is what happened. ”

She and Tara smiled at each other for a few moments and Spike leaned back and put one arm around each of them.

Then, without warning, a small group of soldiers with heavy weaponry wearing camouflage fatigues burst out of the shrubbery.

The two groups stared at one another for a few seconds.

Then, one tall solder came forward, “Everything's alright, civilians, and there's nothing to see here. Carry about your business. ”

And the soldiers quietly dispersed across the campus.

The three people on the bench blinked.

Willow finally spoke up, “That was weird. ”

Tara shook herself out of a daze, “Yeah. Hey, want to sleep over? We can rent movies and make ourselves sick on Chinese take-out and Ben & Jerry's. ”

“That sounds perfect. ” Willow stood up and the other two followed.

“So, it's been awhile since our last Princess Bride marathon. ”

“That it has, pet. ”

“Oooh, and it's been more than a year since Ever After. ”

Their conversation was swallowed up in the night and they quickly forgot the soldiers and, eventually the horrible start to the evening. But Tara had a black list. It wasn't very long, but Buffy was now on it. And on it she would stay.

* * *

After Tara and Spike had left and Willow had deserted them shortly after, Buffy sat alone at the table. Xander had simply walked out. She wasn't sure what was going on with him. Anya naturally followed.

Buffy picked up the bottle cap. It had flecks of dried blood still on it. She felt a strange tightness in her chest. She realized it was remorse. No matter how hard she tried to justify it in her mind, and she played it over and over, she was sorry.

He had tried to kill her in the past, but she was sorry she had hurt his feelings. It didn't make any sense. But Buffy knew there was a line somewhere she'd stepped over.

He'd tried to warn her about Parker. She didn't know how he knew that was going to happen, but he had. Her mind began construing bizarre conspiracies between Spike and Parker and she shut it down. She was too tired.

She was tired of trying to figure out what the Psych notes were for, because obviously they were for Tara. Buffy had seen the girl in her class after the first week.

She was tired.

“It's Buffy, right? ”

Buffy looked up distractedly. The T.A. from her Psychology class was standing next to the table.

“Yeah. I have to go. ” She said suddenly, getting up and picking up her purse. She nearly ran into a second tall, young man in her haste to get out the door.

“Yeah, you're getting far with her, man. ” Forrest dropped a glass on the table.

“Shut up. “Riley rolled his eyes and sat down. So he'd misread some signals. That didn't mean anything. The girl was a bit quirky and he could work with that.

14.

(Author's Note: This is a very mild chapter, especially in comparison to the last one, which was actually pretty draining. This chapter begins a series of three that sort of outlines the way Buffy's feelings, and Buffy herself, are changing. It sort of fluffy, because I really need a bit of fluff.

Oh, a few reviewer have begged me not to write *shudders* Biley. If you knew me at all, you'd know there is no danger of that. Don't worry. Oh, the soldier bit was just to introduce their increased presence in Sunnydale. Sort of like how they did it on the show.)

Xander had lain awake half the night listening to his parents drunken fighting. Whenever he closed his eyes he kept seeing that damn bottle cap shredding delicate skin. He kept hearing Buffy words and thinking about all the times his father had ripped him up verbally in public and no had ever said anything.

He had turned into one of those people.

Anya had left hours ago, shaken up herself. He had listened to a barrage of anti-Buffy sentiments he couldn't bring himself to refute.

This guy had just looked so out of it. Like he was trying to control a violent reaction by turning it around on himself.

Xander had a dream that night when he finally fell asleep. In the dream Buffy was saying those things to him. Cordelia had finally gone sane and dumped his ass. No one would ever want to be with him …

He woke up in a cold sweat, his guts twisting. He sat up in bed and looked at the clock. It was six a.m.

He stared at the numbers until they bled together and made a decision.

* * *

Tara and Willow had just left for school. Spike sat staring at his cooling cup of Raspberry Zinger Tara had made for him. She put in lots of milk and sugar the way he liked it and steeped it for a long time.

He didn't deserve it. He couldn't bring himself to drink it.

The Slayer was right. Maybe not that she could take Tara away from him, but that he didn't deserve what he had.

He ghosted his hand over his ribcage and onto his stomach. He had a brief, mad urge to rip himself open and get the gem out of him. Give it to the poofter and make him and the Slayer happy.

The doorbell rang.

He looked up startled. The only person who had ever rang it before was Joyce and she would be at work by now.

He opened the door and found Xander Harris on his porch in a pair of cutoffs and a Hawaiian shirt, “So, that surfing lesson, how about today? ”

* * *

Spike had surprised himself by handing over his own surfboard for the boy's use. It was the coolest one in the shop, a wicked design of black and red tribal patterns, and he was handing it over to an amateur.

He picked up Tara's loaded it into the car.

They sat in silence as Spike started up the Desoto and searched for a decent radio station. The Red Hot Chili Peppers soon filled in the quiet nicely.

Their arrival at the beach was hailed by some of Spike surfing acquaintances. Derrick, Josh, and Tyler were all UC Sunnydale students that happened to frequent the waves at the same morning hours Spike usually did. Spike had fallen into an easy camaraderie with them over the last few weeks and today was no exception.

Xander turned out to have a talent for surfing; he later explained he had been quite the skateboarder in his early high school days. After a bit more time, over a burger and onion rings at a local hamburger stand, he explained he'd given it up after his friend Jesse had been turned and he had to stake him. Spike sympathized and made Xander absolutely bug-eyed with the story of having to stake his own mother.

When they headed back into town they were both a little shocked to realized they'd played the day away and it was time for Spike to pick up Tara from class.

* * *

Buffy had decided to assuage her guilt in the easiest way she knew how. She would simply avoid the person she felt guilty for hurting for the rest of her life.

It would have been a good plan; if she didn't live in Sunnydale and the person wasn't a friend of both her mother and her best friend.

At least, I hope she's still my best friend, Buffy thought, glancing down several rows of seats to where Willow and Tara sat. Psychology class had never been so lonely.

Whenever she and Willow met up, her friend always looked like she was about to burst out with something and then swallowed it back. The silences were not comfortable.

She found herself wondering what Spike was doing right now. She wondered if he was all right, he'd looked awful when Tara had practically marched him out of the Bronze. Buffy gathered up her books and made her way out of the classroom.

Someone jogged up to her and started asking her if she was free for coffee, but all she could think about was when she'd leaned in close to Spike's face and the dusting of freckles he had across his nose and how bizarrely sweet that was. She absently made excuses to the T.A. without even wondering why he would want to go for coffee with her.

She wondered if he had gotten home and realized he was angry with her. He'd been so hesitant and almost shy when dealing with her so far, she would hate to have him revert to hating her, not that she didn't deserve it, she thought guiltily.

So he'd been trying to kill her two and a half years ago, so had nearly everyone else. Her former lover included. He was making an effort to change and she wasn't giving him a chance. She realized maybe the level of guilt she was feeling was a bit of overkill, but she just couldn't take the sorrowful, disappointed looks Willow kept giving her over the last few days.

Not to mention the odd vicious glare she got from Tara, who really seemed like such a nice person. What kind of person am I to have someone like that so angry with me? Buffy couldn't concentrate on her books, she couldn't concentrate on her classes, the old Buffy would have blamed Spike as if he had any control whatsoever over her mind. But this was the new Buffy, she decided, the Buffy who takes responsibility for her own obsessions-

Not that Spike was an obsession of her's she quickly corrected herself.

* * *

Willow and Tara were deep in discussion and honestly not thinking of Buffy at all, despite the looks they were receiving for her.

“I do it every six months to make it special for him. Sometimes you just need some encouragement, you know? Some appreciation of all the hard work you've done. ” Tara was making a list of food to buy.

“I think it's a great idea! A 'Happy Not Killing People For Another Six Months' Party for Spike! Um, we should find a better title for it, though. ” Willow winced.

“I want it to be extra special this time so I think we should have it a few days early so it will really be a surprise. He's already going to be really excited that it'll be more than just him and I. Joyce is definitely coming. Do you think we should invite Xander and Anya? ” Tara circled Hot Wings twice.

“They were getting along at the Bronze. I think they'd come. What should we get him for 'Happy Not Killing People- we really need to shorten that title- presents? ”

“Well, I was thinking we'd have a musical theme. Spike really needs a hobby to kill time before I get home from class. One day, I caught him trying to shoot the squirrels that get into the bird feeder. He has some kind of private war going on with them. I tried to explain that maybe a twelve gauge isn't the best way to solve all your problems. He really needs some distractions or he starts to get antsy. ” Tara smiled affectionately.

“Oh, oh! I could get him a harmonica! He could even carry that around in that black coat he always wears! And plus, harmonica equals fun to be had by all! ”

“That sounds great! Joyce is doing something really huge. ” Tara confided, leaning in.

“Ooooh, what? ” Willow whispered conspiratorially even though no one in the vicinity had any interest in what they were talking about.

“She's had this old upright piano forever that no one plays so she's going to give it to him and have it tuned. Spike used to play when he was alive. I've heard him and he's really good. It'll give him something to practice on. ” Tara noticed for the first time that she never stuttered around Willow anymore.

“That's so great! Now I'm all excited for him! Are you sure we have to wait a whole three days? ” Willow bounced up and down.

Tara laughed, “Well, there's still the food and the presents to buy. I'm hoping he likes what I'm getting him, too. Oh, and we have to make the cake, and figure out how we're going to get him out of the house to set up. ”

“Hey guys, what's going on? ”

Tara slapped the notebook closed in surprise.

Willow tried to look friendly but just kept feeling that awful, sad feeling she got whenever she was around Buffy in the scene at the Bronze, “Hey, Buffy, we're not really doing anything. ”

Buffy put her books down, “Do you mind if I join you then? ”

Tara got up and addressed Willow, “I really should go and wait for Spike, he'll be here soon and I don't want him to have to wait. Here's your half of the list. ”

Willow bit her lip and said goodbye.

“List of what? ” Buffy piped up, and Willow could tell she was trying to be cheerful.

“Oh, nothing you'd be interested in. ” At least that was the truth, Willow thought.

15.

Tara woke up a few mornings later to British cursing through the open bedroom window, a recent luxury thanks to the gem. Tara groaned and got up. She watched Spike pace furiously around the bird feeder yelling at the mess on the ground.

Coming downstairs she met Spike in the kitchen.

“Those little bastards are mocking me! Look! Look at the that one! ” He pointed to the bird feeder where, indeed, one brave squirrel had already taken up residence since Spike's departure.

“It's staring at me! Look how slowly it's picking up that sunflower seed! It's doing it deliberately. ” Spike crossed his arms in a huff, “This is the last draw. I'm going to do something permanent about those little fur-coated rats! ”

“No more guns! It gives me nightmares to hear you blowing up them up, you know that! ” Tara started filling the kettle.

“No, that only takes care of individual squirrels. Unless I skin one and nail it to the tree to warn all the others off … ” Spike looked contemplative.

“No! A world of no! I want to have my herb garden out there and you're not turning it into 'Lord of the Flies'! Just go the S.P.C.A and get some humane traps. ” Tara picked out two bags of Tangerine Orange Zinger and put them in the mugs.

“I could build a trap. ” Spike looked pensive again.

Tara got some frightening mental images of small guillotines and little gas chambers and sighed. Spike was getting a new hobby not a day too soon.

“So what are you doing today? ” She asked, changing the subject. Some things were best left not addressed.

“Hmm? Oh, Xander and I are going to the beach, can you tape 'Passions' since you're going to be home? We might stay out later than usual. ”

Tara smiled, her back turned to him, and it was all going according to plan, “Doesn't Xander have to work He just got that job at Starbucks. ” She asked innocently.

“He got fired again. He couldn't figure out the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. Apparently that's important, bloody useless place that. ” Spike was clearly disgusted with the rapid dismissal of his new friend.

Tara felt a bit guilty about using Xander current status among the unemployed to her advantage, but it was the only believable way to keep Spike out of the house without taking him herself.

* * *

Spike couldn't figure out why Xander kept stalling. Everything was a potential point of interest. So far they had stopped at three different garage sales and Xander hadn't even bought anything, he just looked about for half an hour.

Then they had to stop at Wal-Mart. After poking around for forty-five minutes, Xander bought a Snapple and a bottle of shampoo. Spike was beginning to feel like a chauffer.

When they finally got to the house, Xander wouldn't let him out of the car, out of nowhere the boy come up with this speech about how much their new friendship meant to him because he didn't really have very many male peers or role models and how proud he was of Spike for all the changes he'd made in his unlife.

Spike stuttered back some self-conscious responses, completely floored, when all at once he was rushed from the car into the house as though the hounds of Hell were at their heels.

The house was dark, which totally confused and worried Spike, Tara should have been home by now and she had promised to tape his show. He was about to bring this up to Xander when all the lights snapped on and he was scared out of his Birkenstocks when everyone yelled, “SURPRISE! ”

He just sort of stood there blinking, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Everyone was moving around him, and eventually moving him to the table for the special dinner they had made.

Eventually, Spike settled down, though he was still completely chuffed they'd all come to a party for him.

The cake had been made by Willow and bore the words, 'Happy Not Killing People For Another Six Months'. She apologized that she couldn't come up with a shorter message. Spike was fine with the one she had. The cake was his favourite, chocolate fudge with butter cream frosting.

The presents nearly made him tear up. Joyce had given him the piano from her house! It smelled a lot like her and a little bit like the Slayer, but he was O.K with that. He immediately sat down to play a piece for them. He chose Fur Elise because it was Joyce's favourite. Everyone looked very impressed and clapped when he finished.

Xander said finding out Spike played the piano was like learning Pinochet used to knit. Willow slapped him good-naturedly and then Spike opened Tara's present. A gleaming black acoustic guitar greeted him. He stared at it a few minutes before picking it up.

“The guy in the shop said it used to belong to Johnny Cash. I don't know if I believe that, but it was the nicest one they had. ” Tara said quietly.

Spike carefully put the guitar back in its case and scooped her up in bear hug.

Willow presented him with a shiny new harmonica in the key of C and Spike was very pleased. Xander had gotten him some bongos and Anya presented him with an Irish Tin Whistle.

“It was the most economical instrument I could find. ” She said proudly.

Xander slapped his forehead, “Anya! You aren't supposed to be thinking things like that when you buy someone a gift, let alone saying it out loud! ”

“But how can I be sure I'll get an equally financially suitable present in return for an expensive present? I don't even celebrate my birthday since I don't remember when it is and Christmas is still months away! If you ask me, inventing a reason for presents is something I'm going to have to try myself. ” Anya gave a laughing Spike a sparkling smile, “Maybe we could celebrate the day I lost my powers. ”

Xander covered his face, “We haven't gotten to the generosity part of being human yet. ” He said apologetically. Spike didn't seem to care but he did seem highly amused.

* * *

When Buffy approached her friends she over heard a very spirited conversation about cake and presents and what a good time they had had. She felt a bit put out.

“You guys went to a party? ” Buffy sat down next to them on the bench. They both immediately got that pained, secretive look. Buffy knew what it was about, “Spike had a party, didn't he? ” She asked flatly, “And you had fun? ”

“I didn't mean to, Willow made me! ” Xander burst out nervously.

Willow rolled her eyes and elbowed him for good measure before facing Buffy, “It was a 'Happy Not Killing People For Another Six Months' party at Spike and Tara's. ” She confessed, not at all sure how to feel.

“So, he's at a year and a half now? ” Buffy asked, looking at the ground. All her friends had been invited, she thought a little sullenly.

“Yeah, he's doing great! Tara gave him a guitar and your mom gave him that old piano you guy's had. It was sort of a musical theme- “

“MY MOM was there? ” Buffy asked incredulously. Great, her mom was a friend with all the cool kids and Buffy was left patrolling alone.

Thinking about it a bit more, it certainly was no surprise she wasn't given an engraved invitation. But suddenly, she wanted to give him a present. She knew it sounded a bit like buying her way into his good graces, Buffy knew how well that worked, her father was an expert at it. But she wanted to give him something to say she was proud of him, too. And to apologize for the scene at the Bronze. And to say maybe they could be friends.

And this would have to be a pretty sweet present.

16.

Author's Note: O.K, I need to warn you all: There is some rather NC-17 Spike/Other in this chapter, it isn't terribly graphic and I absolutely promise it's all for the good of the future Spuffy. (You'll see what I mean when you get there.)

Spike had met Julia on the beach a few evenings after his party. Xander had found a job at Danny's Pizza Emporium so he was on his own. The surf instructor was also by herself.

They had gotten into a pleasant surfing rhythm together and ended up talking on the sand for a few hours. Out of the blue, she leaned in and kissed him hungrily. He responded with ardor because she was both the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and he quite liked her, and because it had been months since he last bedded a woman.

They made out for awhile before she pulled away and explained that she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn't ready yet for a new one, and couldn't they just have some fun? Spike assured her he wasn't quite ready to take up with someone seriously either and was very willing to show her a good time.

On the way to the house, Spike thanked his lucky stars that he had assembled his bedroom out of boredom that morning and that Tara was staying at Willow's dorm for the night.

* * *

Buffy had still not come up with a decent idea for a 'wow' present. She strolled along the sidewalk after practice, 'accidentally' wandering by Spike and Tara's house. She saw some flickering movement in one of the bedroom and drew a bit closer into the yard.

She heard moaning from the open window, was he torturing someone up there? Slayer-senses on high alert she climbed the elm tree that grew very close to the window. While in mid-climb, Buffy wondered where the line between 'investigating' and 'stalking' ran.

She froze in place at the open window, completely captivated by what she was witnessing. Candles lighted the entire room and the figures on the bed were naked. The prettiest woman Buffy had seen since leaving Los Angeles lay prone on the bed, propped up with pillows. The noises she was making went straight to Buffy's core.

Spike was kneeling between the woman's legs and his mouth was working away enthusiastically. Buffy felt a burn of longing go right through her. In her two sexual experiences previous, neither partner had ever initiated anything like that. The woman tensed suddenly and bucked up off the mattress, Spike didn't stop his ministrations and after a few seconds the woman bucked again and screamed out his name.

Buffy swallowed and felt a cool drop of sweat trickle down into the furrow of her lip and she darted her tongue out and licked it off. After a few seconds she realized she was rubbing herself almost obscenely against the tree limb but couldn't bring herself to stop.

After a few seconds, both she and Spike realized the woman was crying. Spike got up off the floor immediately, giving a fevered Buffy an eyeful. Buffy's brain briefly stopped working as she took in his dimensions, and she managed to bring her attention back to the scene before her.

Spike had crawled up onto the bed and curled himself around the crying girl, he was stroking her hair soothingly, “What's wrong, love? Didn't you like it? ”

The woman choked, “It was wo-wo-wonderful! It's just- it's just no one ever did that for me before. Mike, my old boyfriend used to make me do it to him … I didn't want to but he'd hold me down- “ The woman dissolved into tears again and Spike held her closer.

Buffy felt an acute sense of shame at the very private moment she was witnessing and tried to slip back down the tree subtly. Her face burned with what she had just done. She dashed down through the driveway and ran all the way to her mother's house.

Later that night, Buffy masturbated furiously to ease the ache between her legs and the only thing she could think of to bring herself off was Spike. She had the most intense orgasm she'd ever managed before.

But the guilt ate away even into her dreams.

* * *

Spike saw Julia off the next morning. She hugged him tightly and thanked him. He informed her that he was the one with the appreciation and she was a wonderful girl. When she was ready he would be happy to threaten anyone she chose to go out with.

She laughed and hugged him again.

He asked if she was quite sure she didn't want him to track down this 'Mike' and make him regret ever being born. She grew a bit more serious and told him that Mike was out of her life and that was enough for her.

When Tara came home that afternoon, she took one look at his face and remarked, “You got laid. ”

He raised one eyebrow, “So did you. ”

Tara blushed and nodded happily and set about making tea so they could have a talk.

* * *

Buffy sat on her bed and stared at the wall. She wasn't sure if she felt worse because of the girl's story, or because the girl had been with Spike and the feeling twisting away inside of her was of a jealous nature.

She was quite confident Willow would not have been able to keep it under wraps if Spike were in the serious relationship. But what if that scene had been the beginning of one?

Spike was vampire and she could not be with another vampire, even if he were available. Or if he even liked her. Just because he was physically very attractive, did not mean she could ever love him. She had been attracted to him since he first stepped out of that alley two and a half years ago and she was willing to admit that, even if it was only to herself.

And just because he had all that sweetness inside of him, didn't mean he'd give any of it to her. His last contact with her had been emotional and hurtful and still made her wince to think of it. The remorse she was feeling had snowballed into out and out shame.

Buffy wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged herself. Why couldn't she just be normal and NOT attracted to the undead?

17.

Spike had not told Tara anything at all about what Julia had confided in him and that felt a bit strange. He was used to telling Tara everything. He'd confess feelings and urges and ask her why certain things were wrong in the human world, and she'd explain to the best of her ability. He didn't always have the best instincts for dealing with people, but Tara's were always dead on. He'd become accustomed to simply trusting her judgment.

But something about Julia's vulnerability and the whole situation made him keep his mouth shut, feeling that she deserved privacy. He had a whole range of emotions he was now dealing with all on his own. But it was all right. Tara was there if he really needed her to explain why he couldn't do certain things. He knew he shouldn't track down 'Mike' because Julia insisted it wouldn't solve anything. So he refrained.

He was a little proud of himself, all in all.

Julia had made it clear she didn't want anything serious, and he was all right with that. He liked her just fine, he appreciated her sweet nature and her intelligence and he respected her surfing ability. But he wasn't in love with her.

The trouble was, Spike liked being in love and he hadn't had those feeling for anyone since Drusilla. He loved Tara more than anyone in the world, Drusilla included, but he wasn't in love with her.

These feelings he felt comfortable sharing. Tara was soothing in the way only she knew how to be, and resolved to find him a love interest since her own was going so well.

Spike protested half-heartedly, but the truth was, he really wanted to be loved. He wanted to wake up next to someone everyday, not that Tara wasn't wonderful to do that with, but a lover would be a little different.

Despite what he had reassured Julia, that he wasn't interested in a long-term relationship, he was feeling now that maybe he was ready.

* * *

Buffy strolled across campus, looking for another distraction from writing her History paper, when she stumbled across what she didn't realize she was looking for.

Spike was sprawled on a park bench under a magnolia tree, eating cherries from a bag balanced on his chest and reading a book.

Buffy froze and watched him for a few seconds. He didn't look ready to bolt from the situation so she assumed he hadn't noticed her presence. She squinted to read the title of his book and nearly bounced with excitement when it turned out to be 1984 by George Orwell. It was a book they'd covered last month in her English class and she actually had a whole slew of opinions and intelligent comments about it.

Here, dropped right in her lap, was both an opportunity and a subject to talk with Spike about.

She approached him slowly, “Can I sit down? ”

Spike hadn't heard her voice in a while and didn't recognize it, thinking it was just someone implying her was hogging a public bench, he sat up, keeping his eyes on the page, and popped another cherry in his mouth.

When he glanced up as she sat down he nearly choked.

He ended up swallowing the cherry whole. Buffy looked at him with a warm smile and asked, “Do you think Winston was really a rebel, or did his giving in at the end completely undo all the acts against the Party? ”

He stared at her dumbfounded for a few seconds wondering what on earth she was talking about and why under the stars she was even talking to him at all.

Then he realized she meant the book he was reading and cleared his throat, “Oh, um, well, nothing is really undone just because you fail later on. If you succeed even once it still has to count, doesn't it? ”

Buffy practically glowed all of a sudden. Spike noticed she was actually quite pretty when she wasn't scowling at him. Then he promptly disabled that thought, if the Slayer ever had an inkling that he thought about her like that at all, he was quite confident she would try to stake him.

“I completely agree. Everyone else in class all kept insisting that because he sold out everything else he did was meaningless. But he tried, that matters, right? ” Buffy swung her legs against the sides of the bench like a child and Spike found himself thinking how charming that was.

“Yeah, well, you have to remember your class is full of a lot of idealistic students who've most likely never done anything worthwhile in their lives. I bet you've done a lot more than they can even imagine. They've just got head full of sensational ideas that have never actually been put into action. ” Spike offered her the bag, “Cherry? ”

Buffy looked from the bag to his mouth and swallowed. She'd just noticed that the cherry juice had stained his lips a vivid red, making them look absolutely edible. Buffy was worried if she put anything in her mouth she might very well start to drool so she politely refused.

Spike glanced at the magnolia blossoms in the grass, “Not that I'm complaining, Slayer, but why the change of heart? ” He looked up at her and she was momentarily dazzled by the blue of his eyes in contrast to the new tan he was sporting and she shook her head to clear it.

“Oh, well, I think I might have over-reacted a bit a the Bronze. I really didn't believe that you weren't up to old tricks and I just jumped to conclusions. ”

“I don't blame you. ” He said quietly and Buffy looked up sharply in surprise.

“I wouldn't believe you if you approached me in Brazil and insisted you'd given up saving the world and were now all about the carnage. ” He went on to elaborate.

That actually made Buffy feel a bit worse, Spike was displaying understanding for his own mistreatment.

“Well, yeah, but I did go a little far. I was wondering if you want to try again? Just start over and pretend all that didn't happen. ” Buffy picked at the hem of her skirt anxiously.

Spike seemed to be mulling it over for a few seconds and then turned back to her, “Well, hello, Slayer. I've come back but I've turned over a new leaf. No more death and people-drinking for me I'm all about the bag lunches. ”

Buffy smiled, “Welcome to the Hellmouth, Spike. You're in for a wild ride. ”

18.

Buffy was trying to restrain herself from giggling inanely as the conversation carried on. She felt about fourteen sitting next to the cutest boy in school.

Spike was amused at how eager she was to show off her two and a half months of higher education. She bantered with him playfully about how much she disliked the character Syme and how twisted the children were in the book. He insisted the most interesting bit was the Anti-Sex League and that they were in charge of producing pornography for the Proles.

Buffy wrinkled her nose in pretend disgust and Spike felt like his heart began beating again.

Then a shadow loomed over them, blocking out the sun.

“Buffy? I thought that was you. ”

Buffy stared up at her Psychology class T.A in a mixture of surprise and horror. The guy had been bothering her for a while, but he was officially now ruining her first real time alone with Spike.

“Um, it's Riley, right? ” She hazarded weakly.

She nearly bit her tongue when he sat down next to her. She watched dazedly as he extended a hand to Spike, “I'm Riley Finn, I'm a T.A. in Buffy's class.

Spike automatically shook the offered hand, he vaguely remembered the bloke from his weeklong stint as Tara's personal secretary, “Er, I'm Sp- Will. I'm one of Buffy's … ”

“Friends! ” Buffy burst out, “He's one of my close and personal friends and we really should be going- “ Oh, please dear God don't let Spike think I'm with this guy, she thought feverishly.

Spike was actually thinking how much he liked being called one of the Slayer's friends and how poncy it was that that meant so much to him.

“I'm glad to finally meet some more of your friends. I know Willow from class of course. ” Riley continued, seemingly oblivious to Buffy's distress.

Finally what? Why would he want to meet my friends? Who is this guy? Buffy thought, trying to get him to leave through pure force of will. Go away, she thought strongly, trying to implant the idea telepathically into Riley's brain.

Jaw clench and eyes slightly watering from the effort, she floundered searching for some hidden Slayer talent that would vaguely resemble a Jedi mind-trick. She then thought maybe she and Xander had officially spent too much time together.

Riley continued talking about the class, as though she or Spike should be terribly interested. He brought up how he had helped Professor Walsh decided on the fourth edition of Psychology In Modern Times instead of the third edition of Psychology Today.

Buffy was practically vibrating with frustration. She had been having such a good time. She was getting somewhere. They had been almost bonding. She was finally getting a taste of the fun Willow always described when she had spent time with Spike and Tara.

Why was he still here? Didn't he have any friends to go bore? Tara and Willow were going to be out of class soon and they were going to swoop in and take Spike away. They go do fun things like surfing and drinking flavored coffee and discussing culture-like things and she wasn't in the inner circle yet, so she wouldn't be invited.

And Spike would be gone. And Tara and Willow would get to see his cherry-stained lips. Not that they would appreciate them the way she appreciated them. Willow had brought up the 'hey, guess what? Gay now!' and Buffy was still a little staggered.

Spike had realized that the boring wanker was talking much more to Buffy than he was to him, so he cracked open 1984 because he was almost at the sexy bits. He glanced up at the clock tower and noted that Tara and Willow would be out in a few minutes. Good, then they could go home and he wouldn't need to listen to Buffy's new boyfriend blather on about the genius of Freud when Spike had met the creepy little man himself and knew him to be full of crap.

Spike convinced himself quietly that he did not care if the Slayer had a new lover. It was good she was at least getting over the Great Poof anyway. A bleeding train wreck that relationship had been.

Buffy felt like throwing a truly loud and obnoxious tantrum. This was unbelievable. There was no way of getting out of this looking good. If she freaked out, she made herself look like Bitchzilla to Spike and the weirdo was in charge of grading her papers this term. If she tried to back out politely, which she had several times, he just didn't seem to hear it.

Buffy noticed Spike had simply gone back to his book and his cherries, giving up on their conversation entirely. Buffy felt strangely like crying. She wanted to shake him and scream, 'you be rude! It'll be O.K if you tell him off! He means nothing to me! Don't give up on me now that I'm so close!'

Then the inevitable happened, Spike nodded a polite goodbye to her and went off with Willow and a slightly suspicious Tara. Buffy heard them laughing in the distance and wondered what they were talking about. She felt like she would never laugh again. The guy next to her had sucked the fun right out of her with his constant nervous chatter.

Riley, it seemed, hadn't even paused for breath.

She shook herself out of the trance she'd entered when she watched Spike walk away. He had a truly watchable ass, after all. It seemed Riley was asking her something.

“I'm sorry, what? ” She asked tiredly.

“So I thought we could go for coffee and I could explain Jung's early theories a little more thoroughly. The next paper is on his early work, you know. ”

“I'm sorry, I have to go. Right now. I just remembered I have somewhere to be and it's very important. “ Buffy bolted across the grass. She didn't even look back. Bizarrely she worried he might be following her.

* * *

“So, what were you and Buffy talking about? ” Tara asked, trying not to judge. But she didn't trust that girl, not a bit.

“Oh, about 1984 because I've been reading it. And she sort of made up for that time at the Bronze. ” Spike flipped through the mail, and excitedly opened a Future Shop flyer.

“No more electronics! The living room already looks like Ground Control. You have a T.V, you have TiVO and a DVD player, and you have THREE different game systems and a huge stereo. We don't need anything from that store, don't get any ideas. ” Tara dropped two Tension Tamer tea bags into the pot with finality.

“You never let me have any fun. ” He grumbled.

“Anyway, back on topic, how exactly did she think she could make up for the Bronze?" Tara voice had an almost catty edge that Spike found sort of unnerving. Tara in a less than calm mood always made him worry. She could be right scary when she wanted to be.

“Well, um, she said she overreacted. ”

“Oh, is that what they're calling it these days? ” Tara turned on the stove with such vigor that the knob came off in her hand.

Spike edged around the counter warily, “I guess so. ”

Taking a few deep breaths, she turned to him, “I sorry. I'm just still a little upset about that. You're free to talk to who ever you want to. But I wouldn't trust her to ever be looking out for your best interests, Spike. I got a good look at her at the Bronze. She was only concerned for herself. You really don't need her influence. ”

“She's not like that all the time, pet. You should see her when she's doing the saving the world bit, she's down right selfless then. ”

“I don't measure people in that way, Spike. I'm sure she can be a wonderful person when it suits her. But she is a bully. ” Tara sat down with the teapot and started pouring, “We should just stop talking about his. You're right that I don't know her that well. Maybe I'm judging too quickly. I just don't want her to hurt you again. Don't listen when she says those things. No one has the power to take me away from you and you have the right to change and for it to be acknowledged. ”

They both took a sip of tea and Tara cleared her throat, “So, what are you reading next? You know we could start a little book club, we read so many of the same ones. ”

“Um, I was thinking we could try Slaughter House-Five by Vonnegut. I've heard it's good … ”

19.

Buffy wandered through The Sound and the Fury, Sunnydale's version of a music store. Nothing jumped out at her. Nothing screamed, 'I should belong to Spike. If you give me to him he will be devoted to you until the end of time in gratitude.'

She did briefly finger an expensive looking electric guitar, but Willow had mentioned Tara had got him an acoustic. Buffy had a feeling that even if she could afford it, outdoing Tara would be a very bad idea.

Upsetting witches was just plain not done, whether you were the Slayer or not.

Buffy's shoulders slumped in defeat. She wanted to show him that she cared that he had worked so hard to be good. She wanted to show him that she cared, period. But she had no idea what he wanted. And Willow said Spike was pretty well off. If he wanted something, he probably just got it himself.

She wished her mother had mentioned the idea of giving him the piano. At least then she could have signed her name on the card or something and she would have gotten some present credit.

She left the door and the door chimed a death knell. Literally, it rang out a funereal tune.

Buffy wondered what they had been thinking when they installed that.

* * *

Tara walked up the drive way as the sun was setting, she'd told Spike she would walk home because her classes got out early and she was glad that she had. The walk had done her some good. It had given her time to stem the irritation at Willow's remark after History had flared.

Apparently, Buffy wanted to join their yoga class.

The yoga class was something that had taken Tara a good week of convincing to get Spike to do. Once he had started going, of course, he rather liked it. But it was theirs and theirs alone.

O.K, so she had let Willow come with them, and now it had become something the three of them did together, but Buffy should in no way be involved.

She came up the drive and smiled when she saw Spike on the porch steps picking away at his guitar. He grinned up at her when she sat down and started singing along to what he was playing.

'I was thinking, that I might fly today. Just to disprove the things that you say. It doesn't take talent to be mean, words can crush things that are unseen. So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way …'

They both watched the sun go down in silence and Tara leaned into him, as the air got cooler in the November evening.

* * *

Spike had taken the news that Buffy would be invading their class with admirable stoicism. Tara would almost say he was pleased if she didn't want so much for it not to be so.

Their yoga teacher, Lily, was a friend of Tara's and had a preference for Spike that couldn't be ignored. Tara had high hopes they might hit it off if she nudged him in the right direction.

They arrived outside the Community Center to find an excited Willow and Buffy. Buffy bounced along with them and Tara gritted her teeth.

“So, I really think I'll like this class. I've never actually tried yoga but I could really use some relaxation. I'm pretty flexible after all, I'll think I'll do pretty well. ” Buffy chattered, clearly trying to make conversation.

“I'm sure you'll do fine, pet. ” Spike smiled at her and Buffy beamed back at him.

Tara squeezed Willow's hand so hard the girl actually cried out in pain.

Tara apologized profusely, she hadn't meant to hurt her, but there was something about the way Buffy was moving around Spike that made Tara worried. What did she want with him? Or perhaps she wanted something from him? Spike was a truly spectacular fighter and maybe she wanted someone to cover her patrols. Maybe she thought if she buttered him up she could have her very own vampire indentured servant.

Or worse, Tara thought, maybe she wanted a roll in the hay with the attractive vampire, only to toss him aside when she decided she needed someone 'normal'.

'I'll hex her, I really will', Tara thought, putting down her yoga mat with a little more force than usual. Spike looked over at her in concern as he helped Buffy set up her own mat. Tara waved away his concern and settled down into warm up stretches.

Willow whispered her concerned questions, but now was not the time to bring this up. Willow had been so excited to have her best friend, her lover, and her very good friend together doing any activity at all and Tara didn't want to spoil it for her. She wondered if Willow knew what Buffy was up to. She knew full well that Willow had dutifully reported her spell fabrication to Buffy about Spike new sunlight-friendly status.

She didn't know how far she could trust Willow, truth be told.

She looked over at Spike and Buffy, who were deep in conversation, Spike explaining the Sun Salutation and Buffy nodding as if what he was saying was the most interesting thing in the world. She worried about him. Spike loved easily and he loved without reservation. He loved with absolutely everything that he was and held nothing back, not even enough to protect himself from being hurt.

She worried that he might be on the road to loving Buffy, and that that road could only end in heartbreak.

* * *

Spike held an unnecessary breath as Lily ran her hands over his sternum illustrating to the class how perfectly he was holding Downward Facing Dog. She touched him more than anyone else in the class and the irony was that he needed the least help. Tara often teased him about being the teacher's pet, he rolled his eyes and he would blush if he were capable.

It wasn't that Lily were unattractive, the opposite was true if anything. She had a certain mysticism about her that once upon a time he would have found very appealing. But she reminded him a bit too much of Dru for him to even consider her a candidate for his heart.

* * *

If Spike were to be looking at Buffy when lily was using him in her demonstrations, he would have seen a very unhappy Slayer. Buffy was fuming. Who did this woman think she was, pawing all over him like that? God, she was practically dry humping him right in front of every one. Buffy felt a mad urge to shove the woman off her vampire and scream, 'MINE!'

Buffy let out a sigh of relief when the woman finally moved away. Then she got the opportunity to observe a very occupied and distracted Spike.

His black yoga pants fell in such a way across his legs that she could she the outlines of his thighs perfectly. She started to imagine those thighs between her own and felt a familiar pang in her groin.

Spike shifted into the next position and the pants were now stretched across the bulge between his legs. Buffy bit back a moan because she knew what lay there. She'd gotten a pretty good look from his bedroom window. He was long and he was thick. He also wasn't circumcised. He was bigger than Angel and bigger than Parker, though she'd never really gotten a good look at them, it had been pretty dark both times, she had felt it. And Spike was bigger, much bigger. She wondered if he would even fit and scoff at herself. Of course he would, part of her believed now that Spike had been made for her.

She noticed that by feel her panties must be absolutely sodden. The class moved into some downward facing floor positions and Buffy felt her clit grind against the mat beneath her in a most stimulating fashion.

She kept her eyes on Spike's torso and ground against the floor again imagining him on top of her. The yoga pants stretched across his ass now and Buffy sent a private thank you to Lululemon Yoga Clothing manufacturers for making these pants possible.

Her orgasm took her completely by surprise and left her shaky and overwhelmed.

* * *

Spike was going quietly mad. He could smell the Slayer's arousal and it hung in the air, inescapable and ever present. And it made him hard as a rock. He was pressed tightly against the floor, thank the stars, though the friction was getting to him.

What on earth is she thinking about? He glanced over, and just as he did, Buffy whipped her head forward.

Spike immediately assumed she was staring at the bulky guy in front of her. Of course, he thought, feeling a bit melancholic and put out. He was exactly her type, wasn't he?

That didn't make his erection go down a bit, though. He couldn't help glancing over and nearly let out a gasp at the sight of the Slayer in those tight little pink stretch pants. He ground himself against the floor again as they moved into the Cat Stretch and stifled a moan. The combination of her arousal and the way she looked squirming there so beautifully. He was done completely in.

His orgasm took him by surprise and he cursed when he felt the damp spot in his underwear spreading he stood up swiftly and bolted from the heat of the room to the bathroom down the hall.

20.

Buffy had lain awake all night listening to Willow breathe. She stared up at the bland gray ceiling of her dorm room and did nothing but run scenario after scenario through her head. She thought of nothing but her immediate future and how much she wanted that future to contain a distinctly Spike-like presence. Preferably lying in the bed next to her.

She liked him, and that felt like the understatement of the year.

She ran through a pros and cons list like she learned to do in Health class back in junior high.

Pros: He's an uber-hottie puddle of goodness. He's smart. He's funny. He has a car and a house and is totally mature enough to handle both. He's a friend with my friends. He apparently is a sex god. He can fight almost as well as I can so I won't have to worry about him all the time. He has those yoga pants … that should probably be under uber-hottie. He gives good hugs, I've never gotten one but they look really nice. He has hobbies that don't involve graveyards and he probably won't ever give me a poetry book for my birthday. He's loyal, even to insane whack job girlfriends, so I'm covered there for those times of the month. He isn't the type to leave, and if he does, he always seems to come back. He's flexible … that had to fall under the sex god bit, but it seemed to be important enough to mention on it's own. He's unselfish enough to be free with the … Buffy had to pause here to scramble under the bed for Willow's copy of Masters and Johnson On Sex and Human Loving from her Women's Studies class … cunninglus.

Cons: He's vampire. Do you really want to get involved with another vampire?

Buffy rolled over and buried her head in the pillow in frustration. Yes, damn him; yes she wanted another vampire in more than just the biblical way. She wanted him to be there when she got home, she wanted to wake up with him and cuddle with him and vegetate and watch T.V with him. She wanted him to be her boyfriend and somehow that word just sounded so juvenile now. Sometimes she felt like she could rival Spike in age and sometimes she felt like a little girl.

What were her friends going to say? Well, a voice in her head chirped up cheerfully, technically they liked him before you did. Another, more vicious little voice piped up, how do you know he'd ever want to be with you?

Both of her sexual experiences had been pretty traumatic and they had left their mark. Both of her partners had implied that she wasn't worth a second time. Of course Angel had been Angelus but that didn't make it hurt any less. The truth was, neither of those times had been much fun for her at all. The first time had hurt too much to take any pleasure from, the second time all she could think about was trying to be normal.

Part of her thought that maybe she was one of those girls that just didn't like sex. But that had been before Spike and the window ledge peeping, and the afterward by herself in her room, and the yoga class, and the afterward by herself in her dorm room.

And how she felt right now.

She glanced over at the other bed and wondered how deeply Willow was sleeping.

* * *

Buffy had made a decision come morning. She had quizzed Willow and found out that Spike would be at the beach with Xander and Tara would be at home because Willow was meeting her there that afternoon.

She left the campus resolutely. If she was ever going to have any chance with Spike at all, she had to convince Tara that she was a safe bet on the dating field. She knew that Spike took most of his cues from Tara and he listened to the mild-mannered witch more than anyone. If he were at all interested in Buffy, Tara had the power to put him off permanently. And Buffy was pretty sure, if a few veiled looks had said anything the night before, that Tara didn't like her that much.

Buffy didn't blame her, Tara's first impression of her had been one of cold-hearted cruelty and Buffy had never made any effort to get to know Willow's new love interest at all.

Which was what today was all about. Buffy paused at the front door, she had never actually been inside the house and the memory of her last visit there made she flush red.

She took a deep breath and knocked firmly.

No answer. Buffy nearly sat down in disbelief; it had taken so much mental coaching to even get her here. Tara had to be home.

Then Buffy remembered Willow mentioning Tara and Spike were setting up an herb garden in the backyard. Buffy leap down from the porch and dashed around the side of the house.

* * *

Tara swept some more soil carefully around the tiny foxglove plant and beamed down at her new flowerbed. She turned to start working on the kitchen herbs when Buffy Summers came barreling around the house. Tara stared at her for a few seconds before greeting her, “Hi, Spike and Willow aren't here- “

“I know, ” Buffy said quietly, sitting down and minding the box of seedlings, “I came to talk to you. ”

Tara raised one eyebrow in an expression eerily reminiscent of Spike, “What can I help you with? ”

Buffy was a little hurt that Tara was implying the only reason she would talk to her was because she wanted something. Then she remembered she did want something, Tara's approval, so she snapped her mouth shut again.

Buffy gently picked up what looked to be a rather ugly weed, “I know we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I'm pretty sure actually that I may have stepped all over yours, and Spike's for that matter. I wanted to say that I'm sorry about that and I'd like for us to start over. ”

Tara felt a bit appeased, she was always a sucker for apologies, Spike knew that well enough, “Give me the Woundwort and help me dig a new trench and we'll talk. ”

Buffy eagerly slid forward, “O.K, I'm really sorry for what I said to Spike. I've already sort of apologized to him- “

“He told me. ” Tara said quietly, taking the offered plant, “Which makes me wonder what you're after. Why the change of heart? ”

Boy, Tara got right to the bones of the thing, didn't she? Buffy gulped and pressed onward. She hadn't even told Willow what she was about to reveal, “I-I really like Spike. I've been hanging around lately and we've been talking and I'd really like to be with him ” She finished, her voice getting a bit weaker, she avoided Tara's eyes and focused on the dirt she was clearing away.

“Be with him how? Do you want to sleep with him and be done with it? Because if that's all you're after you need to tell him that. Don't let him develop feelings for you that you don't return. ” Tara planted the Woundwort and moved on to the Vervain, her voice steady and resolute.

“That's not all I want! I definitely want to sleep with him- “ Buffy blushed hotly from that admission, “But I want more, I think I could have real feelings and if I don't … feel everything yet, I will. ”

“You mean you might love him? ” Tara asked bluntly.

“Yeah, it's not like it's hard to do. ” Buffy handed Tara another weed, “I'm really not a bad person once you get to know me, I can love, you know. ” Buffy was horrified to hear her own voice hitch, but it hurt to be thought of that way.

Tara sighed and continued more gently, “I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't love or that you couldn't love him. And yes, once you know him, it's very hard not to love him. ” Tara smiled softly but grew more serious with her next words, “I mean, that if you can't be sure you'll love him, don't start anything, because once Spike starts to love you, he won't stop and I don't want him to hurt anymore. You don't have to love him now, these things take time, but you have to open to it. Willow told me you're looking for a normal, human boyfriend, what happened to that? ”

Buffy smiled weakly, “Spike happened. ”

Tara smiled and took the Witch Hazel from Buffy limp grasp, “Yeah, Spike happens to a lot of people. ”

“Do you think he could have feelings for me? ” Buffy asked, suddenly needing to know the answer.

Tara thought about it as she cleared some rocks away, Spike had bolted from the yoga class the night before and had given no explanation. Tara suspected it had something to do with Buffy but she wasn't sure. Spike often had momentary lapses where he needed to be out of a crowd in a hurry.

“He has mentioned you a lot lately. He likes you as a person for sure. I think with some quality time, feelings wouldn't be very far off if they aren't there already. ” Tara smiled at her conspiratorially.

Buffy found herself wishing she had gotten to know Tara before, there was something very soothing about her and Buffy suddenly wanted very much to be her friend.

They spent the morning talking about Spike in the garden and later over blueberry tea. Buffy got a lot of useful tidbits and Spike facts that she knew would be useful in the near future. Buffy left the pretty little house feeling refreshed. Now she just had to give Spike some nudges in the right direction.

* * *

Spike was in turmoil, he managed to blank the whole situation out of his mind when he was surfing, but now that his feet were on dry land it was back with a vengeance.

If the Slayer had even an inkling of what had went on in that yoga class she would drive him out of town. He felt like a pervert, lusting after someone who had no interest in him whatsoever. He wasn't even close to her type if the poof, the new boyfriend, or the guy in the yoga class that had turned her on, were anything to go by.

He didn't have a prayer. He remembered the way her lip had curled at him in disgust at the Bronze that night. He remembered how she looked at him with barely contained loathing.

Sure she was willing to let him live on her Hellmouth, but letting him think things like that about her was another story. He pictured the scene over and over if she even found out. He thought about how she would repeat that he was beneath her and that he was repulsive and unworthy.

Xander kept asking him over and over what was wrong but Spike kept quiet. This wasn't the sort of thing you brought up to the friend of the Slayer. He knew how grossed out Xander would be if he knew. He wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

Spike was starting to feel the same way. He wished fervently that he could trade places with anyone in the world right now, instead of having to be himself. He felt disgusting. He felt unworthy. And he felt beneath her.

21.

(Author's Note: It has come to my attention that this story has been nominated for an award. I'd like to thank whoever was kind enough to do this and all my beautiful reviewers for keeping me going!)

When Spike dropped Xander off at his parent's house, Xander asked the same thing he asked every afternoon, “Same time tomorrow? ”

Instead of his usual response, Spike stunned Xander with, “I don't think I'll be going tomorrow. ”

Xander swallowed. This was officially serious. Spike did not miss a surfing opportunity. He spent more time at the beach than the local seagulls.

“Oh, O.K, then. I guess I'll start pounding the pavement early then. That crappy, minimum wage job isn't going to find itself. ” He was striving for humor but he just got a distracted nod.

He watched the Desoto drive off slowly and immediate went in the house to call Tara.

* * *

Tara was just hanging up the phone when Spike came in. Willow had been listening in and jumped up, “Did you catch any good waves? ”

Spike carefully stored his board in the laundry room and muttered something non-committal. As he started up the stairs Tara came to the landing, “Are you alright? ”

Spike felt a twist in his gut he realized must be guilt. If she only knew … She'd be as disgusted with me as everyone else would be.

He felt a rush of hopelessness then. Even Tara wouldn't be able to accept this. He really was alone.

He turned back and schooled his features in what he hoped was a neutral expression, “I'm fine. I'm just tired. I'm going up to shower and I think I'll take a nap. ” He continued up the stairs at a much faster pace.

“But- “ Tara began, only to be cut off by the slam of the bathroom door, “Passions is on in twenty minutes. ” She sat down on the stairs.

Willow came to sit beside her, “What do you think is going on? ”

“I don't know. But it's eating him up, I can see it in his eyes. ” Tara got up and picked up the phone. She dialed the familiar number of Buffy and Willow's dorm room.

“Buffy, hi, it's Tara. I was wondering if you knew of anything that could have happened to Spike in the last few days? Did he say anything to you? No, I haven't told him anything about what we talked about. He doesn't even know you came to see me. Thanks, I'll let you know. I know. I know, thank you. Bye. ”

Tara hung up the phone and sighed. Maybe Spike would work up the courage to tell her on his own. No one else seemed to have a clue about what was going on.

* * *

Spike had come up with the plan. He'd lain in bed for three hours coming up with said plan and he was quite confident he could pull it off. He was simply going to avoid the Slayer at all costs and try very hard not to think about her.

But it was like the elephant in the room, the minute he tried not to think about her, he thought of her more than ever before.

He thought about the way she wrinkled her nose, the way she always had a smart comeback and talked so openly about what she thought of things. He thought about how incredible she was when she was fighting. He thought about how strong she seemed, that she just kept going on no matter what life and the Hellmouth kept throwing at her.

He thought about how her hair gleamed like a halo in the sunlight and how she painted her toenails lavender. He thought about how she had given him a second chance, even though he thought he didn't deserve it.

He thought about how easily her words have wounded him and how much her opinion meant. He thought that he might very well have always been attracted to the Slayer, even when he had first come to Sunnydale.

He thought about how she always smelled nice, even when she worked up a sweat. He thought about what the smell of her arousal had done to him and knew that she had more power over him than the laws of physics. If she wanted him to fly, he was quite sure he'd put in a good effort.

He thought about her every time he let his mind wander and he knew.

He was completely buggered.

* * *

Tara watched Spike anxiously when he wasn't paying attention, which turned out to be more often than late.

They were in the grocery store and Tara was perusing the aisles while Spike pushed the cart. She considered the boxes of Celestial Seasoning before putting Perfectly Pear and Chocolate Caramel Chai Enchantment into the cart. They were rounding the corner when they nearly ran into a middle-aged man with glasses.

The man took one look at them, abandoned his cart and ran headlong through the store to the exit.

Tara and Spike stood there blinking for a few seconds. Tara pulled another box of Sleepytime off the shelf and calmly asked, “A friend of yours? ”

Spike blinked again and looked over at her, “He looks sort of familiar. I only saw he for all of two seconds. ”

Tara shrugged and headed off to pick up some cream cheese.

* * *

Rupert Giles had never felt more unprepared in his entire career as a Watcher. He'd been mindlessly shopping at Safeway, completely unarmed, only to run into one of the most notorious vampires in recent history.

He did the first thing that came to mind. He ran to find Buffy.

He considered warning the other patrons of the shop but knew he'd get nothing but blank stares and perhaps a trip to the third floor of Sunnydale Memorial Hospital and a pretty new jacket to keep him calm.

So he ran to find the Slayer.

* * *

Buffy and Willow were sitting in their English class, taking notes … well, Willow was taking notes. To be perfectly honest, Buffy was daydreaming about Spike and the trip to a carnival she'd been fantasizing about. She was also worrying because Tara was worried about him, was he all right? Did he need help?

Then, as she happened to glance at the lecture hall door, she saw a blur go by, then a face in the window. Giles. Something was wrong. She batted Willow on the shoulder and they both quietly exited the classroom.

“Spike is in town. ” Giles stated bluntly, he was covered in sweat, his hair was a mess and his glasses were askew.

Buffy blinked at him. It hit her suddenly that she really wasn't spending very much time with her Watcher since she had started school. She really only stopped in about once a week to keep him up to date on how her patrols were going.

She realized, with a sinking heart, that she had never actually brought up her current obsession.

Buffy licked her lips and she could see Willow biting hers out of the corner of her eye.

Hoo boy, he was not going to like this.

22.

Giles was just staring at her. Buffy continued bravely on with her explanation until she just felt so uncomfortable she trailed off.

Giles continued to stare unblinking. The silence was horribly uncomfortable. Willow shifted nervously next to her.

A few more minutes went by and the bell sounded.

The hallway filled with students that kept narrowly avoiding hitting the Watcher and shooting him annoyed glances.

When the hallway was quiet again, Giles started cleaning his glasses.

But let out a relived breath, for a moment she had worried she'd given him a stroke.

“You mean to tell me- “ He broke off and snapped his mouth shut. Those glasses must be really filthy, Buffy thought.

“I just can't believe- “ His mouth snapped shut again. Buffy was actually starting to get tired of this. Her initial guilt had faded already and she really just wanted to move on.

“You've allowed one of the most dangerous adversaries you've ever faced to wander the streets and you haven't even given me the common courtesy of letting me know about it? ”

O.K, now she wished he were still doing the fish thing. “Well, it's not like he's out there with the killing and the maiming. He's changed- “

“And that's what I really don't believe! I don't believe you'd fall for such an obvious ploy, especially after Angelus. ”

Oh, that was hitting a little to close to home. “I DO believe him! There hasn't been an increase in vamp activity since he showed up in September- “

“SEPTEMBER? He's been here for three months and you haven't even mentioned it? ”

Buffy bit her lip, “Well, I've been busy with school and patrolling … ” And thinking of ways I'd like to molest the vampire in question. That last bit she decided to keep to herself.

At this point Willow chimed in, “I believe him too, Giles. He's been with Tara and me almost every night and he's with Xander at the beach during the day. He wouldn't ever have any time to go out and eat people. ”

“Explain please, how exactly Spike is at the beach with Xander. ”

“Oh, they surf and- Oh, you meant how, how. Well, Tara said it was a spell they had done at the Gaia Festival. We're going to go this year, it's this big- “

“I KNOW what the Gaia Festival is, thank you Willow. What kind of spell is this? Have you done any research at all? ”

Buffy scuffed her foot and conveniently forgetting about her own disbelief just a short time ago, wondered what the big deal was. So Spike can go out into the sun. That just meant more fun time with the potential boyfriend.

“Um, no. But Tara- “

“And who is this Tara person? ” Giles finally put his glasses back on looking fully into research mode.

Willow blinked at him for a few seconds.

Buffy groaned. This was going to be like going back to Genesis to find out what happened last week.

* * *

Spike strolled onto the sand, his mind clear for the first time in days. He'd avoided Buffy successfully and was filling in all his free time with new projects. He was confident that, within time, whenever he thought of his situation he wouldn't feel a core-scorching agony of hopelessness and self-loathing.

Xander was beside him, making conversation and rude jokes and he was about to be where he loved most, the water. Things didn't feel so bad right now. And after the last few days he would take what he could get.

He approached his surfing group where they sat and waved an almost cheerful hello.

And he was promptly greeted with pale, morose faces.

Josh stood up and wiped the sand off his board shorts, “Hey man, you didn't hear? ”

Spike got a very bad feeling all of a sudden, like the rug was just swept out from under him. He focused on Josh's dreadlocks and tried to keep his expression steady, “No, I haven't heard a thing. What's going on? ”

Josh's dark face pulled tight in a mask of sympathy, “I'd hate to be the one to tell you this. I know you guys were pretty close. They found Julia this morning. That ex-boyfriend of hers- he killed her. He raped her and stabbed her a bunch of times and none of the neighbors heard anything, they caught the guy. I think he's in custody now, any way. ”

To Spike, the roar in his head was much louder than the crash of the surf. Prickles of cold ran up and down his arms and legs and along his face.

Xander stepped forward, “Are you O.K, man? You really don't look good. ”

Spike could only think a single thing. And he thought it over and over.

This is all my fault.

* * *

Xander managed to half drag a very unresponsive Spike to the Desoto and got into the driver's seat himself. He'd driven it a few times before but right now he was hoping he could manage to get them to the university without wrapping them around a telephone pole.

His hands were shaking as they started the ignition.

God, I knew her, he thought. She would come out with them all the time and he'd developed a bit of a crush on her that Anya was never going to hear about.

She and Spike had went out a few times. They were pretty close.

He glanced over at the vampire in the passenger seat. He really didn't look good.

Xander pressed down a bit more on the gas.

Tara and Willow would know what to do. They always knew what to do.

* * *

Buffy was sitting with Giles on a park bench on campus. Giles had gone to his car and gotten some books he 'just happened to have on hand'. Buffy worried about him sometimes.

Willow and Tara were in class and she had a free period. And everyone knew it so she couldn't get out of research time. Yay.

She saw the Desoto pull up and her heart jumped. When she saw a panicky looking Xander get out of it, though, her heart dropped back down again.

Something was wrong.

When Xander spotted them, he pulled along a catatonic-looking Spike, out of the car and over to the bench.

“Can you watch him while I go get Tara and Willow? ” Xander looked shaky and pale, but that was nothing compared to Spike.

“Yeah, what happened? ” Buffy go up and took Spike's hand. He didn't even seem to notice.

“Um, that girl Julia, did you ever meet her? ” Xander wiped his palms on his pants.

“Sort of. ” Buffy flushed, remembering how she knew Julia.

“Um, she died. Er, was killed by her ex-boyfriend. Spike knew her really well. I don't really know what's wrong. I need to find Tara and Willow. Where are they? ”

Buffy felt like she'd been kicked in the chest. Mike, she thought, feeling a bit sick. She shook her head to clear it, “They're in Botany, its in the science building just there, on the third floor. ”

Xander ran.

23.

Buffy was feeling a bit shaky herself all of a sudden. She grasped Spike's hand more firmly and led him over to the bench. Giles had leapt to his feet when he had seen the vampire and Buffy sat Spike down in his place.

She caressed his hand in her lap and asked quietly, “Spike, do you want to talk about it? ”

Giles was still caught up in the shock of seeing a vampire standing in full sunlight, when he got over his initial fears and noticed that Spike was neither threatening anyone nor doing much of anything really, he started cleaning his glasses.

“It's all my fault. ”

The admission was soft and came after a few minutes of total silence, both Buffy and Giles nearly jumped.

Buffy felt a terrible ache in her chest, he hurt so much and she wanted to make it better, “What? How can it possibly be you're fault? Xander said it was her ex-boyfriend and he's in jail for it. ”

“I knew. She told me about how he was. She said it was all right, that he was gone, so I didn't do anything. But I knew. I knew and I didn't do anything. ” There were tears on his face and Buffy felt her own breath hitch.

Giles was absolutely beside himself. He was witnessing something absolutely unheard of. A soulless demon was sitting in front of him displaying emotions that should be impossible for such a creature. Remorse and grief were human responses to events; Spike should not be capable of such things.

Buffy fought the urge to hug him, she didn't want to startle or confuse him anymore than he already was, “Spike, it's not your place to take care of things like that. He's human and you couldn't have known what he was going to do- “

Spike pulled away suddenly and stood up, Giles tensed waiting for an attack but the vampire didn't even seem to know he was there.

“I can't be here. I'm sorry, I have to go. ” And Spike bolted. Vampires, though not quite a match in strength for the Slayer, are much faster, and Spike was no exception. He was there one moment and then he was gone.

Buffy called after him but he never looked back. She wrung her hands and a few moments later, Tara, Willow and Xander showed up.

Tara was wiping tears away, “Where is he? What happened? ”

Buffy looked back at her feeling worse than she had in a very long time.

* * *

This was indubitably one of the strangest experiences Giles had ever had in his career as a Watcher. They were combing the Hellmouth, looking for a master vampire, not for the purposes of staking him. Oh, no. They were worried about him.

Fearing he might do something rash, Xander and Anya staked out the police station where the ex-boyfriend was being held, but there was no sign of Spike there.

He was paired up with Willow searching local haunts to no avail. Spike had not been seen at the Bronze, or Willie's, or any of the other demon bars that Tara knew about. Giles did make a note about their addresses for future reference, however.

Spike was not at Joyce's, or he and Tara's house, or the dorm, or Xander's basement flat in his parent's place. Frankly they were running out of options and had only succeeded in worrying Joyce a great deal, Joyce who also had great affection for Spike.

Giles was beginning to suspect the world had turned itself upside down when he had been drunk yesterday and had yet to right itself.

* * *

Tara and Buffy were searching the twelve graveyards within the city limits. They hunted in silence, only speaking to call out Spike's name in the vain hope that he would answer.

Both were lost in thought and worry. Buffy was wondering if Tara blamed her for not watching Spike as she had promised Xander she would do. Tara was hoping Spike hadn't been desperate enough to leave Sunnydale and how she would ever find him if he did.

But deep down, she knew he would never really leave her. He had promised, after all. And Spike always kept his promises.

When they spotted more of the suspicious soldiers wandering around Restfield Cemetery, Buffy's Slayer-senses went wild. They were looking for something, sniffing about like a pack of rabid dogs on the scent of something wounded.

Buffy was not going to let them get it. Her senses screamed 'vampire' and she knew it was Spike. She and Tara walked boldly up to them, “What are you doing here? ”

One tall soldier came forward but he was masked like the others so Buffy couldn't see his face, “Nothing that concerns you, civilian. We're conducting classified training procedures. ”

“Yeah, well your 'training procedures' are stomping all over my Aunt Bessie's grave. How dare you have such disrespect for the dead. ”

At that, the soldiers had the decency to look embarrassed, they muttered something that sounded like an apology and moved on. Buffy waited until they were out of sight before she and Tara raced to the crypt just left of Bessie Underhill's grave. Buffy thanked her lucky stars she had memorized so many graves in her hundreds of nights patrolling/

She'd never thought that it would actually come in handy.

The door to the crypt was partly ajar. They peered in and made out a slumped blonde figure in the ground towards the back. Tara bit her lip and turned to Buffy, “I'll go in and see if I can convince him to come home. ”

Buffy felt an ache in her chest again; she wanted to be the one to comfort Spike. Yeah, because you did such a great job last time he was missing for ten hours, her mind taunted.

Buffy pressed in closer so she could at least make out what was being said.

Tara had crouched down onto the floor in front of Spike, “Please come home. I miss you and you're really scaring me now. ”

“I belong here, with all the other dead things.You shouldn't be here, love, you'll get your pretty dress dirty. ” His voice sounded so empty, Buffy felt a chill go through her.

“I don't care about my dress, I only care about you. Spike, I know you're hurting, but you have to believe me when I say this isn't your fault. If you had come to me and told me what Julia had told you, do you really think I would have set you on him? ”

Spike looked up at her finally, “I should have done something. I should have kept her safe. I can't keep you all safe. ”

“What do you mean? ” Tara wiped away anxious tears.

“I love you and I love Willow and Xander and Anya and B-B-Buffy. And I can't watch you all the time. It's not like when it was just you and me. When I could just have you with me always and I knew that nothing bad could happen to you as long as I was there. I can't be with everyone all the time. ”

Tara shook her head sadly, “But Spike, that's the price of loving more than one person. Heck, that's the price of loving period. But isn't it worth it? Isn't loving us and losing us better than never having anyone? ” Tara reached out her hands, palms up and Spike blinked at her and placed his own in hers, palms down, “But something was wrong before all this happened, do you want to tell me now? ”

“I'm falling in love with someone who will only ever see me as an animal. ” He stated bluntly, face shuttering up again.

Tara sat down, Clueville population: 2, she thought wanting to gather him in her arms and never let him go, but before she could say anything he continued.

“It's the Slayer. She's all I bloody think about. I know it's stupid. I know I'm stupid. She's three steps away from hating my guts and I'm pushing my luck. I disgust her, you should have seen her that time at the Bronze, the way she looked at me, like I was a disease. Then she said I was beneath her. ” His voice crack and Tara felt like sobbing all over again, before she could hug him, Buffy was there.

And Buffy was crying, “I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, I didn't mean it! I don't hate you! I don't! I never saw you as an animal and you're not a disease. I like you, too. I've been wanting to tell you but stuff just kept happening … ”

Spike was staring at her completely awestruck he didn't even wipe away the residual tears running down his cheeks, so Buffy did it for him.

Tara hugged him from his other side and they all sat there on the dusty crypt floor absorbing the last few minutes. Then Tara stood up, pulling Spike and Buffy with her, “We're all going to go home now and we'll pull the mattresses off the beds and have a big sleepover on the floor. I think we could all use the company. ”

She took Spike's left hand and Buffy shyly took his right and they walked out into the moonlight. Buffy looked up at the stars and thought that they shone a little brighter, just for them. Just for this moment.

After a few minutes of walking, Spike cautiously asked, “Er, you won't mention to Xander that I said I loved him, will you? ”

24.

Buffy was in heaven, she was convinced that everything was in alignment just for her right now. She was curled up with Spike on one side, Anya on the other. The rest of her friends were arranged on either side. But she was next to Spike and that was what mattered.

The only thing bursting her bubble was Tara's warning earlier that night when she asked Buffy to take it things slowly with Spike. She'd asked if Buffy was prepared to be patient and understanding enough to act as Spike's conscience, too.

Buffy was a little nervous about the responsibility. She wasn't sure she always made the right decisions, let alone capable of making them for someone else.

Tara had assured her Spike would listen whole-heartedly to what she said was best. And therein lay the rub.

There was no room for her to be selfish because she had to show him what was the actual right, not just what was right for her.

Buffy looked over at Spike, who was illuminated in the moonlight. His face was still in an expression of concern, lines around his mouth and eyes that weren't there when he was calm cut up his face. Buffy felt a twinge of tenderness and leaned up to press soft kisses over them. She smiled when they smooth out and bit and she was enfolded in strong arms.

Oh, this was definitely worth it. This was worth anything.

* * *

Buffy woke up in paradise, Spike curled around her like a blanket. She shifted a bit and he automatically pulled her in closer. She could tell he was still asleep so she rolled over in his arms and kissed him under the chin and along his throat.

A soft rumbling noise started in his chest and Buffy's insides melted into mush. Vampires purred! No one had ever told her that. Angel had never purred.

She lay there and enjoyed the sound for a few minutes thinking that she definitely had to make it happen like, every day from now on. She shifted in his arms and he let out a whimpering snuffling noise and Buffy didn't think she could take much more. It was too much. One more thing and she would just explode in affection. Or start to cry or something, anyway.

She examined his lips because she really wanted to kiss them. They looked soft and vulnerable, the lower one stuck out a bit giving him a pouting look. As she was examining his lips, his eyes opening slowly and Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Hey, ” she whispered softly.

Spike licked the previously mentioned lips and Buffy fought the urge to moan, “Hey. ”

They stared at each other, the seconds rolling by unnoticed. Why have I never noticed how blue his eyes are? Buffy scolded her own lack of observation, I mean; I noticed they're blue but not that blue. They were a color all his own. There was no shade of blue like that in Buffy's world before he came into it. Buffy made a mental note to name the color herself.

All at once, Xander let out a loud snore, followed by a sharp wheeze from Anya and Buffy had to fight from dissolving into laughter.

Spike eyes crinkled in mirth and pressed his forehead against hers, Buffy caught her breath, “We should get up so we don't wake them. I think Willow and Tara are cooking breakfast. ”

They carefully got to there feet and tried to move off the mattresses without jarring them too much.

As they were walking to the kitchen, Buffy actually saw the moment Spike remembered the events of the day before. His whole face fell and Buffy's stomach twisted, she reached out and took his hand, entwining his fingers with hers. This time it seemed to distract him a bit and he smiled softly over at her.

They entered the kitchen to discover a spread the Waldorf-Astoria would be proud of. Tara and Willow had gone hog wild making everything they could think of for breakfast. There were chocolate chip pancakes, Belgian waffles complete with berries and whipped cream, scrambled eggs and sausage, bacon and hash browns, smoked salmon and cream cheese on bagels. There was a big bowl of fruit salad and what looked like four or five different kinds of tea steeping on the table.

Buffy stared at it all, slack-jawed until Willow noticed them and squealed, “Oooh, goody your up. I'll go wake Anya and Xander. ” And then dashed from the room.

Tara smiled up at them from where she was arranging flowers on the table, “So we may have gotten a little carried away. ”

Spike laughed, “You think? I haven't seen anything like this since- “ Spike cut himself off and Tara and Buffy knew what he had been about to say was not a G-rated little story.

And they let it go.

* * *

The sun was high and warm when the group arrived at the beach and Buffy was all excited about finally being involved in Spike's major hobby. She was determined to be Supporto-Girlfriend and not a) embarrass him by being so horrible at it he wouldn't want her on the waves at the same time he was and b) out do him to the point where he felt the same as a).

She needn't have worried. Spike was born to surf and she did just fine. And promptly discovered that if Slaying hadn't been her calling, she most certainly would have tried professional surfing.

The sun was hot, the water was cool, and she was getting a killer workout and a perfect tan. It was a match made in heaven. I need to get my own board, she thought, even Xander has his own. Not that Spike's wasn't wicked cool, but it wasn't exactly a Buffy design.

Spike sat on the cool, wet sand and watched Buffy go to town on his favorite thing. He thought a bit about Julia and how this was where he should really be if he were showing respect to her memory. She wouldn't want him to stay home and mourn; she would want him out here doing this. She loved it here and that's where she would be if she were still alive.

He wondered if, in heaven where she was, she could choose what she would do for eternity. He was convinced that she'd be catching perfect waves on that pretty blue and purple board she'd had forever. His breath hitched at the thought, but it was a happy hitch.

He watched Buffy some more and winced when she was less than careful with his baby. He made a mental note to stop off at the surf shop on their way home and buy her a board of her very own. It could be an early Christmas present if she asked.

Really, part of him just wanted to buy her something.

But she said she liked him back, so maybe that was O.K.

It was confusing and sometimes he felt like an awkward teenager, but it was a nice feeling sometimes. He smiled and waved at Buffy who was telling him to watch.

Yeah, it was a great feeling.

25.

Buffy was thrilled with her present. It was a thing of cuteness and beauty that cast all other presents into the shadow of its wonderfulness.

She'd picked it out herself.

It was French Green with pink and yellow flowers and upon getting it Buffy had immediately wanted to go back to the beach and try it out. Everyone else, not possessing Slayer-stamina demanded lunch unanimously.

Buffy pouted a bit but her stomach growled loudly and the car dissolved into laughter.

She grinned over at Spike on the way to Fatburger, but her face fell. She had forgotten all about getting him his 'Happy No Killing People For Another Six Months' day. At this rate, he'd be at the two-year mark before she even thought of one.

Her enthusiasm returned when they were ordering and Spike watched her with amusement as she packed away a Double King Cheese and Onion Rings and suck up a Chocolate Shake with gusto.

Buffy begged and pleaded to go back to the beach after they dropped off Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya, and Spike caved. Now she had him all to herself.

Buffy had to consciously remind herself of Tara's 'Take it Slow' request when she had a half-naked, very wet Spike at her mercy. Talking about surfing filled the time in nicely and Spike was a good teacher.

When they were showering off for the second time, Buffy mentioned her patrol that night and Spike offered his services.

Buffy froze. She was under no misconceptions about the meaning of what he was giving to her. Slaying would mean largely that he was going out and killing his own kind for her sake. It was at least three steps beyond not killing people anymore in the spectrum of good doing. Buffy had had a good opportunity over the last few days to start seeing things from Spike's perspective, and helping her slay was sort of like her helping him feed. You know, in Bizarro World.

She accepted after only a moment hesitation, she was taking it slow. He was the one making the big steps. She would have to be sure Tara knew that.

Her insides were bouncing excitedly, though, at the prospect of having him to herself all night and seeing him fight again. She realized now that his fighting ability had always been part of her attraction to him. He matched her like no one else.

* * *

Buffy was in charge, that was clear from his manner that night. Which was fine. Buffy liked being in charge.

She boldly led the way, completely in her element. Restfield Cemetery came first and three fledglings later they moved on to Wakewood. Spike hadn't actually had to do anything yet. All three had been laughably easy slays.

Wakewood was another story. Buffy felt the pulse of the fight thrum in her veins and all her senses were on fire. A big group of vamps had taken up resident in a caretaker's shed and Buffy was suddenly glad to have Spike along.

They fought like a finely honed team. They fought like their entire beings had been molded for the other in battle. The dust flew as quickly as the blows landed and Buffy felt a rush she hadn't experienced in forever.

The graveyard was blanketed in silence and Buffy realized it was over. She was sweaty and slightly out of breath and Spike was at her side, still at the ready.

They both let out deep breaths, saying that had been a heady experience would be like saying the sun was hot.

Speaking of hot, Buffy wiped the sweat from the back of her neck. She was suddenly very aware of Spike. Not just his casual attractiveness and funky coat but the texture of his skin and that salty clean musk that he had now since he'd mostly given up smoking. She was aware of how much space there was between them, which wasn't much at all, and she could hear the creak of leather that his boots and coat made when he shifted in place.

She fought the urge to press her forehead up to his like he had that morning. She bet his cool skin would feel fantastic on her overheated flesh.

Spike cleared his throat and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Buffy's eyes immediately settled on his crotch. Aha! He was not immune to the rush of battle. It comforted her to know he was suffering from the same affliction.

Tara's words echoed in her head and Buffy could have screamed in frustration. She fought an urge to stomp her foot childishly and wail, 'But I want it! I want it!'

It seemed Tara was truly certain, though, because the voice in her mind got a little louder, 'Take it SLOWLY, he's still reeling from yesterday and you both should just take some time.'

Buffy bowed down to the wisdom of the voices in her head and suggested they move on.

* * *

On the way home, Spike noticed the late show at the theater started in ten minutes, he wanted to go and Buffy went along quite willingly.

Spike bought the tickets and an obscene amount of junk food and got them settled in the dead center of a middle row. Buffy remembered the last time she had went to a movie with a boy. Er, vampire anyway. Angel.

It had been awkward and the movie was one of those subtitled art's films that Buffy couldn't follow for the life of her.

In short, it was nothing like this and Buffy felt horrible for even comparing them. Spike deserved better than that. She took and handful of popcorn and three Milkduds and popped them into her mouth and once. She giggled and listened to Spike make fun of each and every trailer, but he was quiet when the movie started.

Buffy hadn't paid much attention to what movie was on the placard out front but she found herself drawn into it completely.

It was called Ghostworld and Buffy had never heard of it. But it was unique and quirky and about leaving high school and Buffy found herself loving it.

She reached over about twenty minutes in and took Spike's hand, she saw him smile over at her in the dark and they returned to the movie on screen.

She couldn't stop talking about it when they were walking out, how understated yet profound it felt and how eerie the town's atmosphere was, sort of like the Hellmouth and Spike was just amused at her observations.

“It's based on a comic, you know. I have it if you want to read it. ” He suggested a bit shyly.

“I love to! Can we go get it now? ” Buffy practically bounced on the sidewalk.

Spike laugh and that started her off, when Buffy finally caught her breath she asked, “What is so funny? ”

“Nothing. Everything. Everything is just funny. ” Spike choked, trying to hold in giddy laughter. Buffy could sympathize. She felt like she had just opened her eyes that night. Like she was experiencing feelings that she'd never felt before. She wondered if it was the same for him.

When they got to the house, Spike dashed upstairs to get the graphic novel and while he was up there he ran his fingers softly over his Sandman collection. He had all twelve written by Neil Gaiman, and the two Death books for that matter. They were some of his most prized possessions of the last decade. He stared at them thoughtfully. What if she didn't like them?

He shook his head and gathered them all up too.

He walked her home, helping her carry the books and explaining a little back story about the Sandman and such and she looked intrigued. She said she'd always left the comic books to Xander but she wanted to try these because he liked them so much.

Spike would have flushed in pleasure, if he'd had enough blood in his system to do so, “Xander reads super hero comics. They're all right, but these are works of art. ”

Buffy promised to take good care of them and impulsively gave him a kiss on the cheek as she said goodbye.

Spike nearly skipped home.

And then promptly stopped. It was one thing to help out the Slayer, another to compromise his reputation completely.

26.

Two weeks past quickly and Buffy and Spike were together every night. They'd patrol and afterward, they'd do something Buffy thought of as distinctly date-like.

They went to the movies several times, they went to dinner, for long walks on the moonlit beach, they once went to a diner up the coast and tried every kind of dessert they had. They went to the mall and Buffy had a t-shirt made for him that was completely ridiculous, it was bright blue with bold letters that read: Buffy's Boyfriend surrounded by a possessive rubber stamp pattern.

To her surprise, he actually wore it. He had one made for her that read: And That's Mistress Bitch To You.

She wore it to the point where Willow had to steal it to wash it and secretly return it to the floor of their dorm room.

It was all so ridiculously sweet and she was so completely happy, she knew something bad was going to happen. But she pushed it out of her mind and went to Baskin Robbins to test out all 31 flavors.

* * *

When she first heard that her mother would be gone for Thanksgiving on a buying trip, she was crushed. They didn't have many traditions, but she figured her mother at least would be around.

But she decided to preserver. And then got very excited about hosting a Thanksgiving dinner of her own. Giles was less excited.

Mostly because she was planning to hold this big dinner at his apartment.

Buffy was not known for either cooking skills or hosting skills, but she was determined to make it special. It would be Spike's first Thanksgiving with her and damn it they would have turkey and pie!

Giles was completely baffled, “Why exactly does it have to be here? I've been told Spike and Tara have a perfectly functional, and much larger, kitchen in a house a good ten minutes away. ”

“Because part of this is for them! This is going to be their first holiday with us and it has to be special! If it was at their house they'd feel obligated to help out and clean up and they wouldn't be guests, they'd be hosts! ”

When Giles brought up her mother's perfectly functional, and much larger, kitchen a good fifteen minutes away, Buffy trialed off and went back to composing shopping lists.

* * *

Tara and Spike had been given directions to Giles apartment and they had brought wine and an apple crisp Tara had made that morning. They opted to walk because Tara liked to enjoy the new crispness to the air.

Spike could not appreciate the crispness properly because it meant that he would have to start surfing later in the day to allow time for the sun to heat up the water a bit. He had been complaining loudly about this for more than a week and Tara didn't even acknowledge it anymore. She inhaled deeply and took in the cooking smells from all the houses along the street.

“I guess this is the place, ” Spike said suddenly, bringing them into a courtyard with the appropriate numbers on the gate.

* * *

Buffy and Willow had gone to the store for the third time that afternoon. Giles savored the silence, only broken occasionally by a groan from Xander on the couch and Anya's very loud and awkward attempts at comfort.

The boy had fallen ill after an accident on his new construction job. It was all very mysterious and required a lot of intense research. But Buffy was determined her dinner would go on.

The knock at the door made Giles jump. Great, the vampire was here.

He opened the door and stood a full three feet inside the entrance.

Spike and Tara gave him bit smiles and Spike held out the bottle of wine, “Hullo, Watcher. Your Slayer around? ”

“Explain to me exactly why I should invite a soulless demon into my home? ”

Tara and Spike's smiles dropped, “What? ” Tara managed finally.

“Buffy seems very convinced that you've turned a new leaf. I haven't been given any information that would lead me to trust you with an open invitation to my house. ” Giles crossed his arms over his chest, at last he would get some answers, even if they were by force, “I'd like you to prove to me why I should trust you. ”

Spike's shoulders slumped and he felt very tired all of a sudden and had absolutely no desire to deal with this at all. He turned to Tara, “I want to go home. ”

Tara blinked at him, “O.K. ”

And they turned around and left.

* * *

Giles stared after them, a little stunned. He really had expected some response. He was always going to end up inviting the vampire in, he knew that, but he expected at least to have a few questions answered now that Buffy was away.

He closed the door and turned, Xander was staring up at him from the sofa, “You are so dead when Buffy and Willow get back, you know that, right? ”

Giles felt a twinge of worry as his self-preservation kicked in, he cleared his throat, “Yes, well … ” And he sort of trailed off and began cleaning his glasses.

* * *

Buffy and Willow burst into the apartment half and hour later, bag laden and full of smiles. They began unpacking the food and chattering about how good the dinner was going to be and how Spike and Tara were going to love it.

“I thought they'd be here by now. ” Buffy remarked glancing at the clock.

Xander twisted around on the couch and looked over at Giles, who was staring into a glass of scotch as though it contained all the secrets of the universe, “That's your cue, G-man. Time to own up. ”

Giles glowered at the sick young man who it seemed was taking great pleasure in his discomfort, “I though I'd asked you not to call me that. ”

“O.K, fine. I'll tell them. BUFFY! ”

“Xander do shut up! I'll tell them. It really isn't that big a deal. It's really just a silly little misunderstanding. ”

Anya spoke up, “I don't think it's that hard to understand. They came over and you wouldn't invite Spike in. They went home because they didn't want to be here because you weren't being very nice. ”

“What? ” Buffy stood in the doorway, Willow behind her, both looking at first as though Anya had just announced he'd spent the morning kicking puppies, and then looking like Giles was a particularly nasty beetle that required squashing.

“Alright, so perhaps it wasn't very much of a misunderstanding. ” Giles began cleaning his glasses again.

* * *

Spike and Tara were in the garden, drinking the iced blueberry tea, Tara had made and discussing what to do on their now plan less holiday.

Spike had suggested Thai take away and Tara insisted the only good place for that was in L.A, which brought up the idea of driving to L.A for an overnight vacation. Tara thought it might be time to have a bit of space from their significant others. After all, they hadn't mentioned Giles was opposed to idea of their respective relationships and she was feeling quite a bit put out on Spike's behalf.

And she needed a fresh supply of bath things from her favorite store. It couldn't hurt to hit two birds with one stone.

Spike missed Buffy and he really wished he could have been at her party because she'd been so excited about it. He wondered if she missed him. Or if she understood why Giles didn't want him around and was merrily cooking on without him there. That thought hurt. His mind skittered away from it and back on to Tara.

They just finalized plans when they were changed again. Buffy, Willow, and Anya showed up in the garden carrying grocery bags and supporting a very sick looking Xander.

27.

The battle with the Chumash spirits had several casualties. The picture window in the living room being one of them and several deep arrow marks in the front door that simply could not be repaired.

“I'm really sorry you guys. ” Buffy said, helping Spike sweep up the broken glass. Tara stared forlornly at the empty window frame before turning and telling her not to worry about it.

Buffy felt awful, she just wanted to bring the party to them. It turned out she had brought a messy battle along with it.

But the turkey had been moist and the potatoes hadn't burned, she thought optimistically.

Giles had shown up at the house after the battle was over. He knocked politely at the door and Tara had answered. She stared at him for a few seconds and Spike came up behind her.

“'Lo again, Watcher. What brings you to this neck of the woods? ” Spike wanted very much to ask him why exactly he should invite him into Spike's own home and what would persuade Spike to trust the Watcher. But Tara's voice always resounded in his head at times like these. They took on a sing-song tone that cried, 'Pe-e-etty. ” So he restrained himself.

“Well, I was rather planning on apologizing for my behavior, which has pointed out to me and referred to as both childish and manipulative. And I would very much like to attend Buffy's party if she, and you both, would have me. ” Giles kept his glasses on his face throughout the entire speech, but didn't manage to meet neither Spike nor Tara's eyes.

The house was silent for a few seconds and Spike spoke up, “Hullo, Watcher, I've come back but I've turned over a new leaf. I've given up the people-drinking and I'm all about the bag lunches now. ” Spike offered his hand to the other man who blinked at him for a few moment s before taking it.

It then occurred to Giles that Spike was offering what he was seeking himself: a second chance. Giles smiled, “Welcome to the Hellmouth, Spike. I'm sure you'll feel right at home in no time. ”

Over all, Buffy thought the dinner had come out unscathed and they could at least sit down and enjoy it in peace now. Xander was even feeling better.

Naturally, that's when the new, healthier Xander opened his big mouth and announced that Angel had been in town.

* * *

Buffy had half-heartedly cleaned up the kitchen. The only time she'd shown any reaction to anything was when either Spike or Tara attempted to help. Then they were scolded sharply and sent from the room. Spike had bounced like a startled cat the first time she shouted at him for picking up the steel wool. He just wasn't used to that reaction when he tried to wash the dishes.

“I know it's your house but tonight you're a GUEST! Go watch football with Xander! ”

Buffy had some time to herself then, mostly because everyone was now afraid of her. She used it to think about Angel and the implications to him being back in Sunnydale, however briefly.

She decided that she was ever so pissed.

But that was just like him, wasn't it? He had to be in control all the time. He said when he could be there and when he couldn't.

Buffy had a very strong urge to go straight to L.A. and give Angel a piece of her mind.

Then she heard Spike loudly complaining about American Football and how they wore far too much equipment and stopped the bloody clock every thirty seconds and how on earth was that even considered a sport.

Buffy smiled, that warm fuzzy feeling she got whenever Spike was around consumed her. And she realized as she was drying the turkey pan, she had no desire to go to L.A. She wanted to eat pie and cuddle with Spike and watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

And that's just what she did.

* * *

Spike had been more than a little worried about Buffy when Xander opened his gob and announced the Great Poof had been in town.

He'd sat in the living room with the others, wondering what she was thinking about in the kitchen.

He didn't actually go into the kitchen to see, mind, because he liked all his bits and pieces just where they were, thanks.

But when she came out again she was all smiles and she relaxed against him and they watched holiday specials and overate. And she seemed to be just fine.

At the end of the night she planted a kiss on him that made his toes curl and he figured she might not be rushing off to the Gelled One's arms any time soon.

* * *

Angel drove back to L.A in a furious mood. He had seen Spike, of course and had demanded of Willow in the Espresso Pump, exactly what he was doing there. And was with Buffy for that matter.

Willow had jubilantly described Spike's new diet and that he was helping Buffy and she told him far more than he wanted to hear about a girl named Tara.

He'd had half a mind to storm up to the front door and … well he really didn't have much of a plan beyond that.

But he really didn't think facing Buffy right now was a good idea.

And Willow had mentioned something about beating him to death with a shovel if he so much as threatened Spike or Tara and ruined Buffy's party.

Part of him was fuming at the audacity of his childe, making eyes at the Slayer of all people.

The other part of him was incredibly hurt that Spike hadn't come to him when he'd given up the evil game. He was the one with the experience with changing sides, he was Spike's family, not Buffy. If Spike should come to anyone for help with the changes he was going through, it should have been Angel.

Either way, he left Sunnydale wishing he'd never come at all.

28.

(Author's Note: I'm glad you appreciate the Angel angst because it won't come from the usual source at all.)

Spike had spent a week making preparations. He'd enlisted the Scoobies, even a reluctant Giles, and Joyce. He'd arranged for the plumber and the tile guy and he'd paid them both an obscene amount of money to get the job done in a single day.

It was Tara's birthday, however, and money was no object.

When he'd first brought up his plan, Willow had reacted with horror, she hadn't known her lover's birthday was only a week away and immediately dashed off to buy presents. Everyone else wanted to know what to buy Tara. Spike had spent several precious minutes coming up with present ideas for other people before he got to the subject of his own.

It was brilliant and it was beautiful. It was a huge, lion-footed, antique tub and it was going to replace the cheap, generic shower/tub combination in the upstairs bathroom of the house.

Buffy was in love. And she was also insanely jealous. She coveted that tub. But she helped Spike and Xander carry it upstairs anyway. She wondered if Tara would be willing to share the wealth a few nights a week after patrol.

* * *

Buffy went shopping with Xander and Anya, an experience in itself, for Tara's presents. None of them felt they really knew Tara well enough to find a good gift. But the ones Spike had suggested seemed logical enough and they were all annoyed that they hadn't come up with them themselves.

Buffy found a fluffy towel set and a cozy bathmat to go with the new tub. Xander bought a basket of specialty teas from the teashop on Main and Anya bought a box of candles from the Magic Box.

When everyone else rolled their eyes Anya had responded, “You can never have too many of these. Really, you can't. I once had an entire room full and I still ran out after three hundred years or so. ”

Buffy and Xander decided to let it go.

* * *

Angel sat in his office staring blankly at the wall. He'd just given up what was quite possibly his last chance at being human. He couldn't be weak and continue to fight the good fight. It was a simple, unavoidable fact. Which had been cruelly pounded home over the last few hours.

He thought about Buffy, just like he always did when feeling miserable.

Then he thought about Spike, and if what Willow said was true, what that meant exactly.

A soulless demon had given up the joy of the hunt willingly.

Well, he supposed the Tara girl was a cause of sorts, but really she was no actual impediment. He grudgingly admitted that if anyone was stubborn enough to actually do it, it was Spike.

He'd spent so much time thinking of the value of his soul and what it did for him, and his childe had just waltzed in and out did him.

And then had gone to the Slayer, not his family. Angel felt a powerful urge to see William again, the favored childe, the golden boy.

Sometimes Angel could close his eyes and remember precisely what William's skin sounded like when Angelus shredded it with a cat o' nine tails and that always sent his soul reeling.

Angel remembered his time with William the Bloody with a certain amount of cold dread. Not because of what horrible things they had done together, but for the truly hellish things Angelus had done to get William to do those things.

The boy hadn't come out of the ground completely evil. There was a certain element of humanity about him that even Angelus' torments could not beat out. And beat him, Angelus did. His childe had never been keen on torture, something Angelus had excelled at and reveled in. William had preferred a quick and clean kill.

William had come to them still innocent. That hadn't lasted an hour.

Angel sat up feeling a new purpose run through him. He was going to go back to Sunnydale, not to Buffy, that way lay madness. But to go to William, make amends for the past and recruit him in Angel's own cause. He wanted no other fighting at his back. William was a warrior to be feared, but he was an ally that could be trusted.

Angel waited anxiously for the sun to set.

* * *

Tara party was in full swing. Spike had set up white Christmas lights in the trees in the yard and Chinese paper lanterns along the eaves of the house. The glow gave the garden a feel that was magical and almost fey.

Tara had gushed over the tub and jumped up and down and threw herself at Spike, she been ecstatic about the hand painted tea set Joyce had given her (on a not so subtle hint from Spike) and she was very pleased with everything. Willow had made the cake, it was blueberry with cream cheese frosting and everyone ate far too much.

Tara was quite confident that this was her best birthday ever. Not that the one previous in Spike's company hadn't been amazing, but now she had an actual party and she'd never had that before.

* * *

Angel watched the festivities longingly from the shadows; his prodigal childe was plucking at a guitar in the center of everything with Buffy all but sitting in his lap.

Spike had always had the ability to enjoy himself in large groups; he blended in surprisingly seamlessly when he so chose. He made friends quickly and people often liked him and felt sympathy for him despite their best efforts not to. You couldn't help but feel something for Spike, whether you thought you hated him or loved him he brought out passion in people like no other. He made life interesting and that made it difficult to picture a world without him in it.

Even Darla was known to spare him the odd kind word on very rare occasions. Darla had never had patience for any of Angelus' other childer, save maybe Drusilla. She'd hated Penn with a profound zeal. But Spike was almost acceptable at times.

Angel watched the people he could never call friends laugh and eat and just be together. Buffy's mother handed Spike a mug of what smelled like chocolate with a warm smile.

Angel felt a twinge of envy. Buffy's mother had never liked him, not for minute.

He slipped back into the bushes and made his way back to the hotel. Now was not the time to approach them. But he had time, all the time in the world. He was tired of being alone and he now had a family member almost in the same boat that he was.

He'd been waiting for something like this for years and he hadn't even realized it.

* * *

Spike felt a cold shiver go down his spine, he glanced around the yard but the feeling was gone almost as soon as it had started.

Buffy was warm and giggly in his arms and it was difficult to think of anything bad when he had that.

He pressed a kiss behind her ear and heard her breath catch, she turned and caught his mouth and any other thoughts faded from his minds as smoothly as ripples on water vanished after a breeze.

29.

The night of Tara's party, Buffy stayed over for the first time.

She liked Spike's bed, it was big and he sheets were soft and smelled like oranges. He had a big fluffy down comforter with a soothing cover on it and Buffy snuggled in it waiting for Spike to come back upstairs.

She was a bit nervous, they hadn't really done that much really and she'd only had sex twice previous. Their physical relationship so far had consisted mostly of cuddling, hugs, handholding, and mind-blowing kisses. It wasn't that Buffy didn't love all of those things, it was that she really needed a bit of 'closure' for how worked up Spike always made her.

She had bought a new nightgown just for tonight, it wasn't racy or anything, but it was cute and pretty and it felt nice against her skin. She wondered if he would like it.

Spike was coming up the stairs. Her pulse started to race in anticipation, the burn between her legs that had been throbbing gently all night flared up anew.

He came in, smiling a bit shyly. She noticed he'd changed already into a pair of loose sleep pants and the t-shirt she had made for him and felt a bit put out that he hadn't at least down it in front of her.

He sat down on the bed and she pushed the comforter off her bare legs. She leaned in for a kiss and smelled the cinnamon toothpaste he'd recently brushed with. She glowed a bit inside, he had thought about what would please her, too. She wondered if might be a bit nervous as well.

The kiss deepened and Buffy ran and hands underneath his t-shirt and along his stomach. Her chest fluttered thinking of what lay beneath his clothes. She'd seen him shirtless several times while at the beach and it always made her drool a bit.

He took hints well. He roved the shirt and Buffy got Spike-chest to play with. He lay down next to her and pulled her in close. They languished in kisses for a few minutes until Buffy had to break for breath. She panted a bit and noticed he was breathing heavily almost in sympathy for her plight.

She grinned at him and nibbled his ear gently and listened to a purring moan from deep within him. A whip of feminine pride went through her.

She slid out of the nightgown smoothly and lay bare before him.

He gazed at her for a few seconds as if in awe. She saw so many emotions in his face she couldn't name them all. There was desire, and deep affection, and longing, and pleasure, and then she got lost in his eyes as he raised them to hers.

“Cor, you're a sight, love. Most beautiful thing I ever laid eyes on. ”

* * *

Spike could smell her juices flowing and his mouth watered in response, he kissed her mouth, then her throat, then moved down to spend sometime with her lovely breasts. One hand, sneakily made it's way over her stomach and rubbed her inner thighs gently. He listened to her breathing hitch and stop and start again and he ghosted his fingers over her curls.

She arched a bit and he marveled at her responsiveness, what a girl.

He danced his thumb expertly over her clit and listened to her moan. He pulled one nipple gently in his teeth at the same time and she let out a soft cry.

She was soaking wet now and her hips were moving of their own accord. He suckled her breasts each in turn and when he was sure he'd even them each equal attention, he kissed his way down her stomach. He paused at her navel and dipped his tongue in it, she gasped and he blew a raspberry.

She let out a shocked giggle and he met her wide eyes, his own twinkling with mirth.

She tried to cover up her faux pas and he plucked her hand away from her mouth, “What's that, love? I thought it was funny. ”

“But you're not supposed to laugh. It's supposed to be serious, you know. ” Buffy swallowed.

“Who told you that? ” Spike arched one eyebrow quizzically.

Buffy just shook her head, not wanted to revel her inexperience. No one had ever out and out said that sex was not meant to be fun, but she'd always assumed so. Angel had been so serious about the whole thing and Parker had just been so intent.

Spike seemed to let the comment go and kept moving farther down. Buffy wiggled in anticipation and scooted up like she seen the other woman, Julia, do. Buffy had been fantasizing about this almost as much as she'd fantasized about actually making love with him.

Spike was a little surprised at her eagerness, a lot of girls had to be talked into this. He wondered a bit about how much experience she had, but dismissed it quickly. After all, he loved a woman who knew what she wanted.

* * *

Buffy wondered if she was the same 'down there' as Julia was. She wondered if it smelled alright, she'd showered that morning but maybe she should had washed quickly in the bathroom before they got started. She wondered if she should have had a fresh bikini wax, or should have trimmed a bit this week.

All these thoughts were blow away when Spike finally descended.

It wasn't what she thought it would be.

It was million times better.

* * *

Spike gave her clit a quick suck to get her motor revving just right and swept his tongue eagerly along her the outside of her folds. He drew each lip into his mouth and gave them some gentle nibbles before plunging his tongue in as far as it would go and swirling it about a bit. As he was moving it in and out he ghosted his fingers over her clit teasingly.

“You know, the heart shape, in our society that you see around Valentine's is actually based on the shape of the vulva, not the human heart. ” He remarked casually, nibbling a little more and giving her clit a good long tongue bath, “And the clitoris is the only organ in either version of the human body that's only function is pleasure. ”

Buffy gazed down at him, lost in the rapture, “Huh? ” She asked intelligently. Spike smiled, and Buffy felt it against her, her knees trembled and she was very glad she was lying down.

“We call this all a quim back home, but its old name is cunt. It's a horrible shame that the word has become an insult. The word was Indo-European, it came from the goddess Kali's title Cunti, which shares its root with the words for kin and country. ”

Buffy's mind swirled and she was so close, she panted a bit and thrust against his face desperately. Spike renewed his efforts with even more vigor. He timed it just right and sucked her clit again as he moved two fingers within her and found her g-spot.

Buffy keened and arched off the bed, Spike reveled in the soft trembles of her muscles around him.

Buffy breathed heavily, tingling all over, and just as he had down with Julia, Spike did not stop there. In a few moments he had her moaning again with an orgasm even more intense then the first.

He moved up her body, feeling the after shocks and kissing her all over until he lay next to her, pulling her in close.

* * *

Buffy quivered a bit and she had the most deliciously relaxed feeling she'd had in … well, forever.

Spike was pressing loving kisses behind her ears and along her neck and she felt a bolt of tenderness race through her. She settled down against his chest with a goofy smile.

Then she felt it. His erection nudging her stomach gently, but Spike didn't seem to be in a big hurry.

I am the worst girlfriend ever, she thought, nearly bolting upward.

“What's wrong, love? ” Spike asked, brushing her hair away from her face.

I just totally forgot about him, Buffy's mind whirled. She'd never preformed oral sex before, what if she wasn't any good at it?

“Um, you? I have to take care of that. ” She gestured a little fearfully downward.

Spike laughed then, a full-bodied laugh of pleasure, “Don't worry, we've plenty of time for that. And it's a penis, love, not a bomb. ” He kissed her again and Buffy felt the tension drain from her.

She glanced down their bodies to where his erection lay against her navel. She'd never gotten a really close look at one before. Both Angel and Parker had been in the dark and they moved pretty quickly from the naked stage to the inside of her stage.

She reached down tentatively and ran her hand along its length. Spike let out a noise of pleasure and she grew a bit bolder. Spike seemed pretty casual about the whole thing. He wasn't in a big hurry and he looked quite content to let her do whatever she wanted. Buffy felt a bit powerful just then. She sat up and gave it a through examination. It was pretty big, long and thick and she noticed some skin on the head that wasn't in her Health class textbook. She rubbed at it experimentally and felt the organ twitch in her hand Spike let out a pleased 'Mmmm' noise.

She looked at it from all angles and finally kept stroking it a bit boldly and moved on to the balls beneath it. It was surprisingly heavy, she thought, rubbing them between her hands. Spike's hips lifted a bit and she could tell he liked that. This didn't seem hard at all. She thought about how he had found other places close to her core that had made her moan so she searched gently with her hands. Right behind his sac she touched something that made his arch up and gasp. She smiled, feeling quite pleased with herself and pressed a bit upward again, all the time stroking his erection at odd intervals and different speeds.

Spike finally gasped out, “Love, I'm-I'm going to come, pet. Oh, God- “

And then he did. Buffy was a little disappointed he had finished so quickly because she'd been enjoying herself. But then she remembered that she could do this again, possibly tomorrow, over and over. She'd watched the whole process, fascinated. The only contact she'd had with semen had been inside of her. She took a bit off his stomach and felt it between her fingers. When she noticed Spike's eyes were closed, she tasted it.

It wasn't as bad as she thought. It was actually not bad at all. It was kind of salty.

Spike opened hooded eyes and held out his arms, she crawled into them immediately.

“That was wonderful, pet. You're amazing. ” He picked up his t-shirt off the floor and wiped his stomach with it.

Buffy cuddled up, feeling very tired all of a sudden. She felt warm and safe and relaxed, Spike was purring again and she wasn't sure if he was even aware of it. A bit afraid he'd try to stop if she brought it up, Buffy just let the soothing sound draw her into sleep.

* * *

Angel cleaned up the mansion and prepared to stay as long as he needed to. His childe was in the process of mating with his former lover and this did not bother him as much as he thought it would.

Maybe it was because he'd loved them both. Maybe it was because he trusted Spike with matters of the heart even more so than he trusted himself. After all, he couldn't possibly hurt her more than Angel himself had. Maybe it was because he had a new purpose and it was more than sufficient distraction.

Either way, he'd be here until Spike was willing to hear him out.

30.

Buffy woke up feeling wonderful. A deliciously relaxed and happy feeling that seemed to start at her toes and move all the way up her body started the minute she opened her eyes.

It felt like she'd just gone for a long overdue massage after months of tension.

Spike was curled up around her, his arms wrapping her up like a present waiting to be opened for a joyous event. He was still sleeping. Buffy shifted over a bit so she could study his face but he kept burrowing it into her hair.

She giggled and promptly decided she was never going to leave this bed. She would give up school and slaying and never move from this wonderfulness again.

Then her bladder gave her a sharp reminder of why one must get up occasionally and she cursed.

She carefully extracted herself from his arms and dashed down the hall to the bathroom, hastily pulling on her nightgown as she went.

It turned out she needn't have worried because it seemed both Willow and Tara were long gone.

She dashed back down the hall after doing her business and nearly cheered when she discovered Spike was still asleep. She had had a truly devilish plan while seated on the toilet and she was eager to put it into motion.

She stripped off the nightgown again and carefully uncovered Spike. She was comfortable with his private parts after the night before, but there was still one thing she had never done.

She wasn't worried, she was now pretty confident after the night before that she could successfully navigate him to throes of passion again, but she was still a little nervous and she felt it might be a bit easier if she started while he was still asleep.

She picked up his soft penis and stroked it gently, when she felt it start to harden, she bent down and softly kissed the tip.

She couldn't believe how soft the skin was! He tasted nice, too. She flicked her tongue over the slit she found at the head. He was sort of salty and clean tasting. Spike let out a soft noise in his sleep and Buffy tensed, glancing up at his face. When his eyes remained closed, she resumed her exploration.

She licked up the sides experimentally and when that garnered no serious response, she took the head into her mouth.

That got a definite moan. Emboldened, she tried stroking him at the base with one hand and sucking the top and along the sides.

His hips flexed and he groaned, “B-Buffy- “

She glanced up and realized he was still out of it. She smiled around the male parts in her mouth. He was dreaming about her.

Remembering what she had done the night before, Buffy used her other hand to stroke his balls gently and then pressed up behind them.

This resulted in restless thrashing and more moans. Buffy felt powerful, he was completely at her mercy.

This wasn't hard at all. All she had to do was try something and wait for his reaction. She pulled him almost all the way down her throat and he sprung up in the bed, awake finally.

“Jesus fuck! Buffy-Oh, God- “ He was unable to finish a sentence.

Buffy decided that would be on her new ' Things I Want to Make Spike Do with My Feminine Wiles' list and she pressed on.

She was enjoying doing this almost as much as she enjoyed his reaction. He was helpless and throbbing in her mouth and she was in control. Her own parts ached for release suddenly and she realized how much doing this turned her on.

She wondered if that were normal and then didn't care as Spike was arching up, “Buffy-Buffy, love I'm going to- I'm going to come- “

She was waiting for this and prepared, she felt his balls draw up in her hand and he was shooting off in her mouth. She managed to swallow most of it, but it was her first time and there was quite a bit. She dribbled a little on the sheets and wiped the side of her lip.

Spike was a quivering mass of breathless vampire. She wondered why he panted when he didn't need to breathe, but all thoughts were shoved out of her brain again when he scooped her up in his arms.

“Pet, that was amazing! You're amazing! Good God, what a wake up call! ” She grinned at his effusive praise and preened a bit in his embrace.

Then she grew a bit more serious, she kissed him on the forehead, then the nose, then the mouth and whispered clearly, “I want you to make love with me. ”

Spike's eyes snapped open and he smiled slowly, “I think we might manage that. ” Buffy felt a fresh erection nudging against her hip and smiled back.

She immediately lay back and spread her legs a bit to give him easy access. He lay down next to her, “Why don't we reverse it? You be on top this time. ” He lifted her above him until she was sitting on his stomach.

Buffy felt a bit apprehensive, she'd only ever done it the other way. That was easy enough, just lie there and let them do what they're supposed to do. But Spike was relaxed and giving her that loving smile of his and she thought that it might not be that hard.

If Parker could manage to control this, she must be able to.

She got up onto her knees on either side of him and he shifted his hips so he was positioned right beneath her. She grasped his penis, now feeling quite accustomed to it and carefully started lowering herself down onto it.

Hoo boy, he was big. She tensed a few time and stopped twice to adjust to his size. Spike didn't move at all, letting her do this at her own pace. When she looked back down at him, half way through, he was looking back, desire warred with deep affection in his face and she slid all the way down.

Oh God. Buffy was frozen with feeling. Nothing in the world should feel this good. It should be illegal because nothing would ever get done. They would market plastic Spike-penises and all production would stop on anything else.

He filled her just right. He was too big and he wasn't too small. She absurdly thought about Goldilocks and the Three Bears. She met his eyes again and she knew her own eyes reflected the wonder she saw in his.

She just sat on him then, savoring the feel of him inside her. Then she snapped her eyes open. Oh, yeah. She was supposed to be moving or something. She shifted her hips, thrusting forward and discovered the true wonder of being on top.

She did it just the right way to grind her clit against his pubic bone and a flare of pleasure flashed through her. She couldn't help the grin that took over her face. She didn't have to wait for anyone to move just the right way! She could do that all the time!

She found a pace and focused on the vampire beneath her. He certainly looked like he didn't mind what she was doing. He was moaning and purring and thrust up a bit to meet her movements.

She watched his eyes open and felt a swell of self-importance when she noticed he was watching her breasts sway like a man dying of thirst watches a vending machine.

She leaned over impulsively, bringing them in close to his face and she ground against him a little harder. They both groaned and Spike captured one nipple in his mouth and nibbled it gently.

Buffy increased her pace and felt her orgasm build, Spike placed his ands on her ass and just massaged the cheeks and that nearly sent her over the edge.

“Oh- “ The utterance escaped her mouth before she could stop it and unleashed a string of similar, “Oh-Spike-Oh God- Yes- “

And she was gone.

She felt like she had left the planet.

She felt like this was living and everything else was just slowly dying.

She shuddered with the intensity of it and sprawled down across Spike's body and hugged him close.

Spike shifted them onto their sides so he could pull her in. She came back into reality and realized he was still within her and still very hard.

She blushed beet red, “Oh, didn't you-? ”

This had never happened before. She was the one who was left wanting before. He was the man, wasn't he supposed to be the one getting off? Was there something wrong with her that he couldn't come?

“Hmm, oh, yeah I did. Vampire, remember? We have pretty good refraction time when we want to. ” Spike was stroking her sides and she relaxed again into his embrace.

Oh, good. He did come. She must be all right then, it was just freaky vampire horniness. Though she did feel a little guilty being so caught up with herself to not even notice his orgasm.

He didn't seem to mind, though, “And about that, love. ” He said, thrusting in her gently.

Buffy moaned, she couldn't help it, her flesh was ridiculously sensitized now and he felt like heaven. She spread her legs almost without thinking consciously about it and he moved in between them.

This was quite nice too, she thought, loving his weight on top of her. He was just the right height and weight to do this, they fit perfectly and he was comfortable without crushing her.

He thrust properly this time, rubbing against her clit and creating the most glorious sparks behind her eyelids.

* * *

Buffy woke again in Spike's arms feeling downright giddy. Everything was nice. The sun warming up the sheets was nice. The tingling oh-so-pleasant ache between her legs was nice. Spike-pillow was very nice.

She realized two things, he was awake and she needed to pee again.

He was smiling sleepily down at her, “Sweet dreams, love? ”

“Yep, but I have to go … er, wash up. ” Buffy carefully slipped off the bed and dashed down the hall.

* * *

Spike grinned listening to her tinkle. She could wake him up with one of the best blowjobs of his entire existence but she couldn't tell him she needed to go to the bathroom. It was such a cute little contradiction. She was so full of those.

He loved that about her.

He loved her.

The thought hit him suddenly, stunning him a bit with the truth of it. He loved her.

He smiled widely went she came back into the room, still a little pink-cheeked. He held out his arms and she crawled back in to them quickly. He felt the sudden urge to tell her, but worried that it might be too soon.

He didn't want to make her uncomfortable. He knew she was there yet and he didn't mind but she might.

So he held his tongue and offered to make her breakfast in bed.

“You can cook? ” She asked incredulously.

“I'll have you know I make a mean Spanish Omelette, and I can toast bread with the best of them. And boil water with startling precision. I can even use the microwave. ”

Buffy giggled, “O.K, I'll risk it. I may be staking my life on it, though, which you have a vested interest in after- “ She broke off and blushed again and Spike grinned. He knew she had some raunchy teasing in her! He knew it! She just needed some time to be comfortable enough to use it.

“Damn right I do. Now don't move, I'll be back in a 'mo. ”

He bolted down the stairs and began preparing a morning feast for his lover.

Lover.

He'd always liked that word. He scrambled the eggs and dashed out to garden in the morning sun to pick her a flower for the tray.

When he brought it up to her he was rewarded with Ooohs and Aaahs and a very hungry Slayer demolishing a rather large plate of food in less than five minutes.

“O.K, this was the best thing ever! What did you do to the eggs? Was it a spell? Did Tara teach you a Food Delicious spell? ” Buffy scraped the plate with the last of the toast and demanded, “'Cause if she did, she needs to teach me that puppy today! ”

Spike laughed, “No, no magic. I put Cheez Whiz in, though. ”

“That's brilliant! ” Buffy stated climbing over the tray to kiss him.

He responded eagerly, nearly forgetting his surprise.

He pulled out a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chips Cookie Dough ice cream from behind his back, “Ready for dessert, pet? ”

Buffy whimpered, “Marry me? ”

31.

Buffy patrolled alone that night because Spike had promised to help Tara study for a final and had to beg off.

She spent most of the time trying to figure out exactly how many times she had had sex so far. She wandered through Restfield deciding whether she should count positions (of which there had been four) or orgasms (of which she'd lost count).

When she had just decided that there was no point in keeping track, since there was certain to be more sex in the near future, she felt a very the familiar tingle of a master vampire.

Expecting Spike she turned around with a grin to be faced with someone quite unexpected.

* * *

Angel had decided his best option in approaching Spike, was to go through Buffy first. Spike was much more likely to listen to what he had to say if the woman he was involved with said he had to.

Angel remembered well what Spike was willing to do on Drusilla's say so. He imagined the case with Buffy would be no different; Spike might even mind her more because Buffy happened to be sane for the most part.

Which that thought, he had gone in search of the Slayer in her old stomping grounds.

* * *

“Angel? ” Buffy asked feeling a bit blind-sided. He often made her feel that way, Buffy realized ruefully.

“Buffy, I need to talk to you. It's about Spike. ” Angel thrust his hands into his coat and loomed over her.

Buffy rolled her eyes, “Listen, Spike's changed- “

“I know, I heard. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. ”

* * *

Buffy came back to Spike and Tara's house with a silent Angel. She was feeling a bit elated. The idea of Spike and Angel being friends and occasionally working together was a tempting one. She wanted to remain friends with Angel and it would be so much easier if at least one of her inner circle were also very friendly with him.

Giles would never speak to him or about him without an edge to his voice. Xander hated him flat out. And Willow was hesitantly non-confrontational, but she didn't trust him entirely and they weren't known to have real conversation that didn't revolve around slaying.

The thought that someone who was starting to mean so much to her could get on with someone who used to mean a lot to her was very attractive.

And Angel was good you couldn't deny that. Spike should be willing to be on the side of the good guys so making up with Angel would be a really telling part of that. It could be like a sort of test. If Spike was willing to do something hard like being nice to someone he didn't like, then he might be really willing to do other difficult things.

Buffy breezed into the house to find Spike watching his massive television. He turned to her, “I was going to go find you if you didn't come back soon. Tara got a bit distracted. Willow apparently tried another spell to change that rat of hers into a girl or some such. It all went horribly wrong, of course, and Tara went over to fix it. At least that's what she claimed to be doing. ”

Spike let a playful leer out and Buffy giggled. Then his face froze and his nostrils flared.

Before he could say anything, Buffy rushed forward, ” So I ran into Angel. He's staying in town for a while and he heard all about your diet and stuff. He wants you to try helping him out in L.A sometime, he could really use some back up and you could have someone to talk to about- “

“No. ” His voice was soft but direct. He wouldn't look at her.

Buffy felt her temper flare, “You're not even listening! Look he's outside and he can't come in because Tara has to invite him or something. All you have to do is try to get along- “

“I'm sorry. I can't. ” Spike stared at the television and wouldn't even turn to her when she grabbed his shoulder.

“How can you say that? Of course you can! You're just being selfish. I know you two don't get along but at least he's big enough to make a move in the right direction. ”

“Yeah, that's big of him. ” Spike muttered softly.

Buffy exploded, “Ugh! How could I ever have thought this would work? You can't be good unless it gets you somewhere, is that it? This is a chance to do some good but because Angel's involved you won't do it? God, at least he's man enough- “

Buffy was cut off when Spike got up and went upstairs.

She slapped the couch cushion and glared after him. The sounds of Tara and Willow encountering Angel brought her to the door.

Willow was speaking to him uncomfortably, but Tara was standing stiffly to one side keeping a close eye on the tall vampire.

“Tara, maybe you can talk some sense into him. ” Buffy stomped out onto the porch.

“Talk some sense into who? ” Tara looked over at her, crossing her arms protectively around herself.

“Spike. He's being stupid and stubborn and he won't even hear Angel out- “ For the second time that night, Buffy was cut off.

“Why should he? ” Tara moved past her across the threshold.

“What? Oh, I get it. Spike's told you all about how much he hates Angel and you're totally on his side and now even you won't listen to reason. ” Buffy threw her hands up in the air.

“Spike's told me a lot of things. And you're right. I am totally on his side. I am his side. His feelings about Angel are valid and don't even think about asking me to bring that monster into my house. ” Tara glared over at the sullen figure on the porch steps.

Angel knew suddenly, what Spike had told Tara and carefully stepped back a few feet. He really didn't want any of this aired out in front of Buffy. He didn't want it aired out at all. But it looked that that was the direction it was headed.

Buffy sighed, “Spike must have mentioned the difference between Angel and Angelus. You're confused. This is Angel- “

“I don't care. ” Tara's gaze didn't falter for a second and Angel couldn't bring himself to meet it for the death of him, “He has the same face and the same skin. There's no reason to try to force Spike into accepting having him around. ”

Buffy was at a loss for words she shook her head, “Because it's the right thing to do! Stuff happened, Angelus slept with Dru, I know. But that was a million years ago. This is Angel and it's the right thing to do to just forget things that he couldn't help. He didn't have his soul then. Spike listens to whatever you say. Why can't you just go up and convince him to at least be civil. ”

Tara took a deep breath that hitched in at least two places, Buffy and Willow realized she was near tears, “Because he wouldn't convince me to be civil to my rapist. ”

The door slammed shut and the lock clicked.

Buffy felt like she'd been sucker punched.

She felt numb and cold. She stared at the closed door for a few minutes frozen in shock.

She realized Willow had started to cry. Angel had disappeared. And Buffy didn't raise her gaze from the wood grains in front of her.

32.

Tara walked purposefully into the kitchen and snapped the locks on that door as well. She leaned against it for a few minutes to compose herself.

She hadn't meant for it all to come out like that, but meeting someone who had hurt Spike so much had stirred the pot of mixed and twisted feelings. And her anger at Buffy for what she was trying to do just put the whole lot into the blender.

She filled the kettle and put it on. Soothed by the familiar activity she popped two chamomile tea bags into mugs and waited for the whistle. Once the tea was ready, she added milk and honey to both and carefully carried them upstairs.

She entered Spike's room without knocking. Neither of them ever knocked unless there was the possibility of the other not being alone. A year and a half of close quarters had made them both quite used to the others form. Tara would rather die before being seen naked in front of anyone else save Willow, but with Spike it felt as comfortable as being clothed.

He was curled up in the dark and she quietly lit a few candles with a soft, 'Illuminae'.

He turned to her and Tara felt a fresh rush of anger at Buffy when she saw his tear-streaked face. She put the tea down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. Brushing the newer tears away she took a deep breath, “I let a few things slip that I really didn't mean to. ”

“I know, love, I heard. ” He gestured to the open window. Tara smiled softly, “I'll definitely need to have a long talk with Willow soon. Will you be there for me? ”

“As if you even need to ask. ” Spike snorted good-naturedly.

“So I think I understand what Buffy was trying to accomplish. I don't think I need a play by play. She hurt you. While that's enough to make me want to curse her, her entire family, and all future generations with some horribly disfiguring and painful disease, I don't think she really meant to. ” Tara lay down next to him and pulled him into her arms.

“I know, she just doesn't understand. I never wanted her to have to understand. I think I love her, but I don't think she'll ever love me back. I think coming here was a bad idea. ” Spike's voice was still shaky but his words were clear.

“If you need us to leave, we'll go. It will be hard leaving Willow, but I'm never leaving you or letting you go off without me. If this is what you want, tell me now before I fall any harder. ” Tara hugged him a little tighter.

“No, I won't make you leave Red, she's good for you. You're doing well here, it wouldn't be fair. ” Spike nuzzled his face in her coconut-scented hair, “I don't think I can leave Buffy, so help me. I think she's gotten into my blood. But she doesn't believe in me. And you can't love someone you don't believe in, not really, not for the long-haul anyway. ”

Tara could tell this had been a difficult realization to reach, “I never should have nudged her. I should have realized she wasn't the one for you. I'm sorry I supported this. ”

“It's not your fault, pet, it's mine. I keep falling for women that belong to that sister-raping bastard whether they know it or not. I just wish I could figure out what makes him so worthy of all that attention when I get kicked to the curb. I was never a fraction as bad as he was. Never was much for killing children, except the Annoying One of course, he did loads of that and so did Dru. Never was one for rape and that was his too. Don't think I've ever driven anyone mad. ”

Tara reached up and stroked his hair soothingly, “They don't see you. I love you more than anyone ever has or will and I promise I think you're worthy. We don't need them, Spike. We can get on by ourselves if we have to. ”

“But you deserve more. You deserve Red. I can get by, don't fash about me. ”

“I do, though. I worry about you and when someone hurts you I just want to do something to them that's so awful I haven't even thought of it yet and I could only come up with it in the height of my rage. ” Tara smiled when she heard Spike chuckle, “I knew I could get a laugh. ”

Spike shook his head, “I don't deserve you, love. ”

“Yes you do. ” Tara affirmed reaching over him for her cup of tea, “Now drink your tea and lets get some sleep. ”

* * *

Buffy sat in a very familiar tree out side the window, she'd been hoping to catch Spike alone, but he never seemed to be.

She'd eavesdropped unashamedly through the entire conversation and at several points wanted to shout things out.

I do so believe in you. I was being stupid and Angel does that to me. He makes me stupid. My I.Q drops like twenty points when he enters the city limits. Ask anybody. I see you, I do. I do so love you- I mean I could so love you! No don't leave! Please don't leave me because I need you! I do not belong to Angel! I mean it, not a little bit and not at all. God, why can't Tara hurry up so I can go tell you these things! Please forgive me. What? Sleep? NO! Stay awake! Tara, go downstairs and let me talk to Spike. No, don't put out the candles, don't-

But Buffy's fretting did no good. Tara and Spike curled up together in a comforting embrace and soon drifted off.

Buffy watched them sleep and had a good think.

She thought about Spike mostly. About how intimately she knew his body and how beautiful it was. But he was fragile too. His wrists and ankles had an almost feminine delicacy to them. He was so lean that she could count his ribs with her fingers when she held him and almost all the vertebrae in his back was visible when he bent over. His skin was even more sensitive than hers and it healed quickly but bruised easily.

She thought about his body, because she thought about all the horrible things Angelus must have done to it.

The word 'rapist' kept smacking her in the face over and over.

She thought of Spike's gorgeous rear end. She had never been brave enough to delve into the crease in it, but she imagined what Angelus had done and shuddered.

She thought about how me must have felt and all the terrible things that she had said. God, did I really say that Angel was more of a man? She hadn't said that in so many words, but her meaning had been clear. She felt sickened with herself and knew that she would get no peace until she and Spike were all right.

If they could even be all right and if he would ever forgive her.

She took heart from what he'd said about being in love with her. He hadn't said 'was' and he'd used the present tense so maybe there was still hope.

She sat outside her lover's window impatiently waiting for an opportunity.

* * *

Angel made his way across town at a rapid pace. Buffy was going to earn some things about him that he'd rather she not know.

How could he have ever thought Spike could forgive him for the past? What he'd done just two and a half years ago when the younger vampire had been in the wheelchair alone was enough to count as totally unforgivable, let alone the twenty odd years they'd been together in the century before.

He was damned for what he had done to Spike just as he was damned for what he had done to all those innocents he'd slaughtered. Perhaps even more so because it had all been so degrading and personal.

Angel was in Restfield where he'd met up with Buffy earlier that evening, when the taser clips hit him in the back.

33.

Tara left early for class and gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. Spike roused himself enough to wish her well and then realized something after she went out the door.

He had gone to bed depressed and woke up angry.

It shocked him a bit. It had been a while since he had allowed himself to feel burning rage. Tara had taught him that anger was a destructive emotion and it was better to channel it in other ways.

He tried tea. He tried yoga. He even meditated for a few frustrated minutes. But the anger wouldn't leave.

He went surfing and the waves couldn't beat the anger back. When he tried to figure out whom he was angry at, he just ended up more confused. He was angry with the Poof for screwing everything up. He was angry at Buffy for things that weren't really her fault and for words she had said that were. And most of all he was angry with himself. For this last part, he wasn't sure why. He kept thinking of ways he could have said things that would have prevented Buffy from learning about the past, and there didn't seem to be anything acceptable. He could have just said he would work with the Poof, but the very idea of being close to him, smelling him, and remembering made his skin crawl.

It was an impossible situation, and Spike wished dearly that it hadn't happened.

It was still full light and there were no demons to pound into powder. He felt a bit off about enjoying the thrill of patrol, Tara wouldn't approve of that. She condoned violence when it was necessary, but she wouldn't be happy if she knew how much he liked it.

So, Spike found another place to vent some physical energy.

He entered the university gym, paid the drop-in fee and set to work trying to exhaust himself into relaxation.

* * *

Riley Finn watched Buffy's friend enter the gym with trepidation, but when the other man didn't even look in his direction, he relaxed.

He was still a little ashamed of his strong come on a few weeks back and he wondered if Buffy had said anything.

Riley watched a bit stunned when the smaller man positioned himself at a weight bench and started piling on the weights like there was no tomorrow.

He started forward as Will was lying down.

“Hey, easy fella. I really think you might want to cut back a bit. You don't want to hurt yourself. ” Riley stood next to him a bit nervously. If he got hurt here, would Buffy blame him?

Spike raised an ironic eyebrow, “Don't worry, I won't. ”

Riley was about to say something else, when Buffy's friend lifted the bar in a fluid motion and began raising and lowering it with perfect precision.

Riley did a mental tally of the weight total and took a step back. This little guy was bench-pressing six hundred pounds like it was nothing at all.

He doubted he, Forrest, and Graham could lift that much all at once.

He strongly suspected something was wrong. But he brightened when he realized that this would give him a perfect opportunity to talk to Buffy.

* * *

Buffy woke with a start when something ran across her hand. She jumped and nearly fell out of the tree, catching herself just in time. She stared over at a rather nasty looking squirrel.

It stared back.

Buffy watched incredulously as it opened its mouth wide and sent out one of those creepy calls.

Several other squirrels started running up the tree. Buffy was starting to get weirded out.

She glanced into the room that contained her quarry and cursed. Both Spike and Tara were gone. Somehow she had fallen asleep and missed them.

She looked back at the squirrels and noticed there were five of them, all motionless and staring at her.

Buffy got out of the tree in a hurry. She made a mental note to ask Giles about the affects the Hellmouth could have on the rodent population.

She could kill them without feeling guilty if they were demons.

But right now, she had to find Spike.

* * *

After a fruitless morning of searching and two missed classes, Buffy glumly headed back to her dorm. She had to find him and sort all this out. Nothing felt right and she missed him a truly ridiculous amount for the rather short period of time they had been apart.

God was it only last night, she thought. It had been a matter of hours between then and now. Her mind refused to process this. It felt like years.

She had gotten over the shock, that much was clear. And had moved straight into 'I-want-to-make-everything-better' mode. But Spike had wounds that she might not be able to heal. There really was no point in going to her afternoon classes because there was no way she could concentrate. Her mind was centered on Spike-vibes, Spike-worries, Spike-fantasies, and Spike-protective instincts that wouldn't go away.

“Buffy! I'm glad I caught you! ” Buffy turned sharply hoping for Spike despite the fact that it wasn't his voice. Her face fell. Oh joy. It was Riley Finn, the weird T.A/shadow.

“I need to talk to you about your friend Will. I think he may be abusing steroids. I saw him in the gym today and there was no way what he was doing was normal for someone his size. I knew someone in my old unit who was doing the same thing. I think if we work together, maybe we can help him. ” Riley placed a hand on her shoulder in solidarity and gave her a 'trust me' smile.

Buffy blinked at him. Will?

Oh, God! Spike!

“The gym! Is he still at the gym? ” Buffy didn't wait for an answer. She bolted off in the direction of the Student Recreation Center.

“Wait! You really should stage the intervention when he's- “ Riley trailed off when he realized she was long gone.

* * *

Buffy didn't have any trouble finding Spike when she got to the gym. She just walked over to the crowd watching him at a very polite distance.

Spike was at the heavy bag. He was hitting it. A lot.

In fact, the force of his blows had already split the heavy leather covering in several places and some of the stuffing had spilled out. But the gym staff didn't seem all that eager to take it up with him.

In fact, they were all carefully looking the other way.

Buffy pushed her way to the head of the group. Spike was punching away at the pace usually reserved for life and death situations.

To say he looked upset would be like saying Chernobyl was a minor glitch.

Buffy swallowed and stepped closer when he didn't show any signs of slowing.

“Spike? ” She ventured. She was rewarded with a halt to the blows. He stood staring at the bag and finally turned to her.

“I'm angry. ” He said.

“So I gathered. ” Buffy gestured at the all but destroyed piece of equipment. Spike looked at it like he'd never seen it before.

“Can we go somewhere and talk. Please? ” Buffy asked quietly.

Spike blinked at her, “I'm angry. ” He said, as if she could have missed it before.

“I know. That's one thing we need to talk about. ” Buffy sighed in relief when he picked up his discarded t-shirt and donned it.

The crowd gave them a wide berth.

* * *

Buffy led him to their bench and sat down. Spike stood there, staring at her, before joining her.

“I'm sorry. ” She said right away.

“I'm sorry I didn't think about why you might not want to work with Angel. I thought it was all about Dru and a bit about me. ”

“Some of it was, still is. ” Spike said quietly, staring down at the grass. His anger had faded a bit. He actually felt a bit tired. He knew it wasn't the workout. He felt just as angry when he went in right up until he had heard her voice.

“I know, but I should have realized it was deeper than that, that you were deeper than that. I never really thought much about it and I should have but I didn't want to. I'm sorry I said what I did. I'm sorry I took Angel's side when I should have been on yours. ” Buffy reached out and took his hand. She held her breath and let it out when he squeezed hers in response.

“I'm sorry he hurt you and I'm sorry I hurt you. I really didn't know, mostly because I chose not to know. ”

Spike felt every last bit of anger leave him. No one apologized to him, really, no one but Tara anyway. How could he stay angry with her when she hadn't meant to hurt him? He'd forgiven Dru so many times when she deliberately wounded him.

“I didn't ever want you to know that. I didn't want you to look at me differently and think about that when you touched me. I'm more than I was then and it really doesn't make me who I am. I don't like to think about any of, though. I probably never will. And he's just one big reminder. ”

Spike licked his lips and continued, “He smells the same, even though he has the soul. He has the same looks and the same feel and no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still think they are the same thing. I know you don't and maybe you never will. But don't expect me to want him around. ”

The last statement had a final note to it that Buffy accepted, “I know, I promise I won't ever try to make you ever again. I think I've started to think about a lot of things differently when I started going out with you and this was a pretty big smack in the side of the head. ”

Buffy smiled nervously at him, “Are we O.K? Can we be O.K? ”

Spike smiled back, it was still a bit pained, but it was real. He really wanted them to be O.K. He wanted her to look at him the way she did that made him feel infinite. He wanted her to understand him, maybe not as well as Tara could, but she might even manage that in time. And he wanted to know her as well as she knew herself.

“Yeah, love. I think we can be O.K ” He was taken off guard when she leaned in and kissed him soundly. His world tilted off axis, like it always did around her and he finally felt the nervous tension in his body relax.

* * *

Angel had been to Hell. He had spent five hundred years there.

This, quite frankly, was comparable.

He realized the blood was drugged and promptly stopped drinking it. That and the thought that he was being fed on a timer like a lab animal.

Then he realized that that's just what he had become to these people. A creature to be experimented on and to be given pain and his responses to it measured. Then to be destroyed when he had outlived his usefulness.

He wasn't healing because he was no longer feeding. He debated which would be worse; the drugged haze or the pain he was left in without it.

He looked down at the growing mass of scars and picked up the blood bag.

34.

(Author's Note: The subject of Angel will be seriously addressed in the next chapter, for those of you lying in wait. I just wanted Buffy and Spike to have some more together time before he comes an ruins it all again.)

“Tell me secrets. But stick to the nice ones for now. I want to talk about the scary stuff, just not yet. ” Buffy snuggled down into Spike chest and revealed in the feel of his arms around her.

They lay in Buffy's dorm room, managing to remain fully clothed in a bed for once. After the reassuring conversation on their bench, Buffy had wanted some together time and Spike seemed happy to oblige.

“If I tell secrets, I want to hear secrets. ” Spike remarked teasing a bit.

“All right. I'll ask a question then you ask a question. What's your favorite movie? ”

“Do you want what I tell everyone, or what it really is? ” Spike asked feeling a bit exposed.

“Both. ”

“All right. It's The Wizard of Oz. There. Now you can laugh. ” Spike hid his face in her hair.

Buffy did giggle a bit, “What do you tell everyone is your favorite? ”

“Terminator. My turn, same question. ”

“Do you want what I tell everyone, or what it really is? ” Buffy replied completely in playful mode.

“Both. ” Spike rolled his eyes and Buffy knew he did it without having to look up.

“O.K, I tell everyone it's Bridges of Madison County, but really I love Dumb and Dumber. ”

It was Spike's turn to chuckle and he did so to the point where Buffy poked him, “My turn again. When you were alive and a kid, what was your best friend's name? ”

“Spike. ” Spike answered promptly.

“Seriously? ” Buffy nearly sat up to look into his face.

“Seriously. I had a bulldog named Spike I got when I was nine. He was my best friend, no one else ever fit the bill. ”

“You named yourself after a dog? ” Buffy asked incredulously.

“Seemed to fit at the time. I was Drusilla's pet and Angelus and Darla's thing to kick. She called me 'bad dog' all the time. Dru I mean. Angelus and Darla were much more creative with what they called me. My turn. If you could be any character on a T.V show, who would you be? ”

Buffy grinned, “You'd answer with someone from 'Passions', wouldn't you? I don't know, maybe Phoebe from 'Friends'. ”

Spike raised an eyebrow; “I would have thought you'd be Rachel if you stuck to that show. ”

“What can I say, I'm a woman of mystery. You may never figure me out. ” Buffy kissed his throat right above the old scar Drusilla had left on him.

“You've got that right, pet. I wouldn't have it any other way. ”

“Oh! My turn again. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? ” Buffy bit her lip. She was betting he would say Batman or someone equally tall, dark and dressed in black. She could so see Spike in a cape. And she was really wishing she could get him into a pair of tights.

“Homer Simpson. ” Spike replied without hesitation.

Buffy stared at him, “Huh? ”

“He has the best time of anyone I've ever seen. Even in that one where he broke out of prison to kill the bartender he was going 'Wheee!' all the way down the hill in a shopping cart. He's too dumb to realize his own ignorance and so he doesn't care about it. ”

Buffy blinked at him, “O.K, I'm beginning to think YOU'RE the mysterious one that I'm never going to figure out. ”

Spike snickered, “What fun would I be if you could predict everything that was going to come out of my mouth? ”

* * *

Spike entered the house with a spring in his step and a broad smile. He hugged Tara from behind and swung her around the kitchen. She giggled, “Spike! I have to stir the sauce or it's going to burn. ”

Spike put her down a snuck a taste, Tara pretended not to see him because of his stealthy vampire ways and went on chopping vegetables, “You're in a good mood today. ”

“Made up with Buffy and I haven't seen hide nor hair of the Poof. What's not to be in a good mood about? ” Spike began rooting through the cookie jar.

“That's going to spoil dinner. Willow's coming over, we're going to talk, remember? ” Tara resumed chopping, “So, what? She said she was sorry and you just forgave her? ”

“Yeah. ” Spike glanced over and realized all was not happy in the state of Tara, “What's wrong? ”

Tara put down the knife and took a deep breath, “If this is what you want, I'll try to understand. But I'm not happy with the way she reacts to you when you do something she doesn't like. ”

Spike sat down at the table, “She said she was sorry and she meant it. What more does she need to do to make it up to you? ”

Tara nearly dropped the knife, “Make it up to me? It's you I'm worried about. ” Tara thought for a minute, “But I supposed she has made it up to you. It really isn't my business but- “ Tara sighed, “I'll stay out of it. But make sure she knows if she makes you cry again there's a very nasty wart hex with her name on it. ”

Spike smiled when he realize Tara was joking.

At least he hoped she was joking.

All right, maybe she wasn't joking, but he hoped she wouldn't do anything permanent anyway. He liked Buffy wart-free.

But then, even if she had warts he'd still love her, Spike thought dreamily.

Tara noticed Spike was off in la-la land and kept preparing dinner with a smile, at least when Buffy wasn't making him cry she made him happy.

But she was serious about the hex it was bookmarked in her master grimore.

* * *

The conversation with Willow had been emotionally exhausting. Willow had gone back to the dorm to process everything and Tara was almost grateful. She loved Willow dearly, but she needed some time with someone who knew her so well she didn't need to explain anything and Willow wasn't quite there yet.

“So at least now I know I'm not going to have any awkward 'Why haven't you let me meet your family?' conversations. ” Tara said softly, leaning against Spike for support. He strummed 'Hey Jude' idly on his guitar and smiled at her.

Tara sang along softly.

'And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain.

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

Well don't you know that it's a fool, who plays it cool?

By making his world a little bit colder …'

“The Beatles, right? ”

Spike stopped strumming, “'Lo, love. ”

Tara looked at Buffy. Buffy looked at Tara.

Spike looked at them both and nervously began playing some very quiet Bob Dylan and decided it was best to let them sort themselves out.

Buffy sat down on the porch steps and smoothed the fabric of her skirt over her legs.

Tara examined her. She really looked quite sincere, her strawberry lipgloss was being licked away nervously and her eye make-up had that just too perfect to be casual look. She wanted to impress. Buffy sat in silence listening to Spike play.

Tara decided she was deserving of a few more chances, she hadn't known the exact nature of Spike and Angel's history after all. That didn't absolve her from the hurting Spike blame, but it got her closer to forgiveness in Tara's books.

She had a soft spot for Buffy ever since she had come to her in the garden that time and Tara really did think they worked well together.

But no one hurt Spike with impunity, absolutely no one.

“Did you start the paper for Walsh's class yet? ” Tara asked out of the blue.

Buffy visibly relaxed, “No, I have piles of reading to do before I get to it. I have to finish The Communist Manifesto for Monday. Can you believe that? I've flipped through it, can you sat 'snore'? ”

“It's not that bad pet. A bit idealistic, but what wasn't in those days. ” Spike picked away at a difficult riff.

“You've read it? ” Buffy looked up at him.

“A few times. You have to remember, back in the day we had no T.V, no X-Box, no internet porn- “ Buffy reached up and poked him for that, “No anything, really. It was mostly a lot of long, lonely evenings between very long, boring parties. It was either read things over and over or get my mum to teach me embroidery. ”

“So can you give me the Cliff Notes version? ” Buffy pulled a copy of the small volume out of her bag.

“No, ” said Spike, plucking it from her hands and opening it to the first page, “But I'll read it to you, if you want. ”

Buffy hopped up the steps to cuddle beside him, Tara on the other side, Buffy had long ago figured out that Spike could make the phone book sound interesting with that voice of his.

“The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles … ”

35.

Spike set out on top of the world. He and Buffy had made up and Tara seemed to be a bit of all right with it. He'd just been shagged within an inch of his unlife and set out to play with all the other demons while his girl studied for her finals.

The only thing that would make things better was if she were out fighting by his side, but having some private violence was nice, too.

He worked his way methodically through the town's cemeteries, taking his time. He knew most fledges rose closer to midnight, rather than earlier in the evening.

Running into the Fyarl demons had been a bit of a surprise, he'd hadn't seen on in these parts since he was the Big Bad.

They were talking amongst themselves, muttering something about warriors in their own language.

A language Spike fortunately, or rather unfortunately tonight, spoke fluently.

He killed the first unannounced with the sword he was carrying and held the blade to the other's throat.

“What's this about warriors in town? ” He demanded in the harsh snarls that made up the demon tongue.

Listening carefully and getting him to repeat it more than once, Spike tried to translate the limited vocabulary to what it could mean in English.

Something was praying on Sunnydale's demon population in a big way. He had a bad feeling about this.

After a brief fight and a quick kill with the remaining Fyarl Spike made his way to Clem's to get his ear to the ground.

* * *

The info was not good. The soldiers, it turned out, government sponsored demon hunters.

That in itself would be fine, but they didn't stop at killing the creatures they captured. They were known for experimenting, for techno-leashes and for other things Spike hoped weren't true.

He wrapped up patrol in Restfield with this new information buzzing in his mind.

“I heard they got your sire. ”

Spike turned to spy a vampire that looked at least a few years turned, a rarity in this town.

“Dru? What about Dru? ” Spike demanded.

“No, the big guy. Angelus. ”

Spike realized the vampire must have been turned in Angelus' hey day, “He's not my sire. And who has him? ”

“The soldiers. The Initiative. ”

Spike felt cold all over suddenly, “Where are they keeping them? ”

“You can't go in there, man. It's suicide. For get him, he's long gone. ”

Spike felt a white lick of rage sweep through him. He beheaded the chatty vampire with one sweep of the broad sword and felt no better afterward.

* * *

Walking home, Spike actually entertained the thought of not telling anyone what he knew. This would only endanger Buffy and himself if they tried to get the Poof loose and they might not even succeed.

And he was pretty sure if the positions were reversed, Angel would just let him dust.

But Spike's private behavioral codex read 'What Would Tara Do?' and it would never let him knowingly leave someone in peril. Even if he thought said someone deserved it. Even if no one would ever know he knew if he just kept his mouth shut.

All he could think of was Buffy's eyes as she gazed down at him, riding him to climax. She trusted him. She said so in her eyes if not in her words.

How could he look back in those eyes always thinking out the Poof and how he didn't even tell her about it?

Every part of him was in conflict, despite the fact that he had already decided what to do. He clambered up the stairs in the empty house. The girls were all at the library studying.

He changed into his black jeans and a black t-shirt. He pulled on his trusty Doc Martens and slid into the familiar duster that had sat in his closet for the last week or so. He only wore it when they went out now.

Before he left the house, he reached under the bed and located the heavy-duty gel and slicked his dark blond curls back harshly.

This wasn't a job for William, or any incarnation of him. Only the Big Bad could pull this off, and Spike had to remember who that was.

He swirled out the door in the flurry of leather and stomped off to buy smokes before heading to the Watcher's.

He would tell Buffy and the others when their schoolwork was done. In the mean time, he had better start out with a battle plan and the Watcher was his best bet.

* * *

“No, I bloody well don't think you should even tell Buffy at all. ”

The Watcher's response to his news stunned the vampire into silence. He'd been so certain he was doing the right thing, but this man had a soul, surely he would know better?

He really wished Tara were here.

“Let the git dust if he was stupid enough to get himself caught. I will not let you endanger Buffy in an effort to get him free. She can fight demons but human soldiers are not on under her jurisdiction. They may even be helping us if what you've told me is true. Maybe we shouldn't trust them, or what they might actually be up to, but getting Buffy to dash into a secure military base is a very fast way of getting her shot. ”

Spike felt a bit stupid now. All his reasoning felt ridiculous, he was so sure he had made the right choice. But then he had been sure he was right with Julia, too.

After promising the Watcher he would keep his mouth shut (and crossing his fingers behind his back the entire time) he glumly made his way back to the house.

* * *

It was a morose Spike that found his home turned into a mini version of the school library. All three girls were happily sequestered reading, writing, highlighting, and turning down page corners.

They looked up in surprise at the blast from the past look Spike was sporting.

“What happened? ” Tara asked immediately, knowing the return of Evil Spike outfit could only mean something had stirred up his need to construct the protective wall the clothes and the attitude created.

“Giles told me not to tell you. ” Spike stamped out his cigarette in the sink, mindful of Tara asthma. They weren't as good as he remembered.

Buffy immediately bristled, “What did he tell you not to tell me? If he's going into 'let's protect her from herself' mode again I'm taking him out. I mean it. ”

“Overheard some demons talking about them soldier types that have been hanging about … ”

36.

“Even if the soldiers are doing the right thing- “ Willow began.

“Which they're NOT! ” Buffy exclaimed vehemently. She was still a little upset about both Giles attempts to conceal the truth and Angel's apparent capture.

“Yes, well, I guess they aren't. But what I was going to say was, their obviously not drawing any lines. I mean Angel hasn't killed anyone in … O.K, like two years, so maybe he's not the best example. But there have been non-violent demons like Spike's friend Clem, and Spike himself now. If they just grab them all that's not fair! We don't just grab every guy and put them in jail just because some guys are criminals! ”

Willow was getting herself quite worked up about this and Tara placed a calming hand on her shoulder, “We all agree something needs to be done. No institution is airtight. We can find a way in to rescue him. ”

Buffy looked confused, “But you called him a monster, why would you help us? ” To tell the truth, Buffy had been conflicted in her own feelings about Angel since the Great Revelation not very long ago at all.

“Because Spike still wants to help. And considering what he's suffered and is willing to overlook, it's the least I can do to support his growth. I'm really impressed with him. I don't know that I would be willing to do the same if I were in his shoes. ”

Buffy nodded and looked out onto the porch where the glow of a cigarette tip was flickering in the darkness. Spike had said he would do whatever the Slayer planned and vanished into the dark after his tale.

All the Scoobies were worried about him now. He'd been distant and downright snarky when questioned too closely. He was withdrawing from them for some reason and Buffy missed his presence, even if it had been there only hours before in the most intimate of ways.

She knew it had to have something to do with Angel and his capture. Tara had said something about self-protective impulses and Buffy was starting to realize a lot of Spike's tougher personality traits had been created by him to fit who he thought he should be.

She realized she'd met William, his softest side and she understood why he wasn't leaving that part of him in control.

Buffy cared about Spike in all his parts, but she was really missing the part of him that would be here now, cuddling her and helping her plan.

She left Army Xander in charge of the planning for once and ventured outside.

* * *

“Spike? ” She called softly and jumped a foot in the air when he appeared next to her from absolutely nowhere.

“What do you need, Slayer? ” His voice was gruff and he wouldn't meet her gaze.

“I want my boyfriend, can he come out for a while? ” Buffy asked, arching a brow at the 'Slayer' moniker.

Spike sighed and sat down on the steps, “Knew you wouldn't like me like this. I have to be this way. We're never going to get him out if I worry about hurting those G.I Shmoes. ”

“Eeeeh! ” Buffy made a buzzer noise, “Wrong! I've met you like this before. Yeah, you were annoying, but for the most part you got the job done and I get why you think you have to do this. But why can't we be together now? You can love being the Big Bad, I've seen you. ”

“Do you want me like this? ” He demanded, morphing into game face, “It isn't pretty and it's what I have to be if we're going to get him out. I'm a vampire! That's never going to change and I think you've just been able to forget that! ”

“Wrong again! Man, you're just on a roll tonight! ” Buffy reached out and caressed the ridges along his brow, “And for the record, you are sort of pretty this way, too. ”

Then she did something that shocked him completely and leaned in for a kiss, carefully avoiding razor-sharp fangs.

She pulled back, panting a bit for air and discovered his shifted back to his human visage sometime during the mini make-out session. Buffy thought that was funny. The first time she'd kissed Angel, she'd brought out his demon in full force. When she kissed Spike, she brought out the man.

“For the record again, “ Buffy began, “I'm different when I have to be strong, too. There's 'friend Buffy' and 'school Buffy' and 'daughter Buffy' and 'girlfriend Buffy' and they're basically the same- Er, with the exception of 'girlfriend Buffy'. I have to tell you, you bring parts of me out that have never seen the light of day. ”

Spike grinned and stamped out his cigarette.

“But when I'm 'saving the world Buffy' even my friends look at me differently. I guess everyone has different parts of themselves that take care of certain things. ” Buffy leaned in close and was pleased when Spike put a hesitant arm around her.

“So I guess what I'm saying is, if you can love General Buffy, I certainly think I can love General Spike. ”

Spike was quite confident she didn't realize the implications of what she'd just said, basically informing him that she loved him. So he tempered his excitement and decided not to comment on it.

“I guess I just never looked at it that way, love. ”

Buffy's insides did a little dance. They were back to the pet names and off the formal 'Slayer' title. She laid her head on his shoulder; “We're going to get him out of there. You're on the good guy's side now remember? We always win. ”

Spike still had his doubts, but those were mostly in himself, never in her. He knew full well that she would get the Poof loose. He just wasn't sure he'd survive the rescue mission to be there to see it. Because he knew for certain after what Giles had admonished him over: If anyone was dying, it wouldn't be her and it wouldn't be Tara or Willow or Xander. It would be him. And he was getting himself prepared to face that possibility.

* * *

As far as rescue missions go, it was more than a bit half-cocked. But Spike knew well that those were the best ones to launch on organized groups.

In the Forties, the Nazi party had been experimenting on demons and vampires. Hitler was obsessed with the supernatural and somewhere along the way, the word about the psychic vampire Drusilla had gotten out.

They'd captured her while Spike was away on an ill-fated submarine and he'd raised holy Hell when he'd returned to find that out.

In a matter of hours, Spike declared war on the Nazi party and stormed one of their labs in Dachau.

They left a seen of carnage so vast, it had to be aggressively covered up by the propaganda bigwigs in a very big way.

But Spike still found it less horrifying then what the residents of the camp looked like. Most of the adults were dead, every one of them was parasite ridden and emaciated. The stink of despair hung heavily in air permeating everything.

And then Spike had done something completely insane.

A little girl had grabbed his coat as he stormed by carrying Drusilla in his arms. He looked down at her, stunned by her audacity as he was still in his vampire visage and all.

She had eyes like his sister.

He stood there stunned looking into them. She was deathly pale and her green eyes almost took up her whole face.

She looked just like Victoria, dead of the Consumption before her ninth birthday.

Then he lost his mind.

He grabbed a minion and put Drusilla under his care and started rounding up the children of the camp towards the train at the edge.

When he'd loaded them all on he counted, there were four hundred and fifty-six of them. He found the handful of guards that were left alive and knew how to operate the behemoth and informed the man they were going to Switzerland.

He watched the train disappear, his minions all too stunned to even ask what hell he'd been doing.

To this day he had no idea why he had done such a thing. He'd never told anyone. He had looked up the train and its passengers a few weeks later and found out they had all made it. Apparently his threats to the German guards were more than enough to get them to heed him before they heeded the call of their precious Fuehrer.

But his attack had been fuelled by rage and nothing more. He'd scrapped together a handful of fledglings and marched them right into one of the most structured instillations ever built and completely took it over. The Nazis were so confident and so secure they never even saw it coming. They were more concerned with people leaving the camp than coming in.

And that was why Spike knew this could work.

* * *

He helped Buffy lift the vent cover and slide it over onto the grass. She was wearing all black in an apparent attempt to at least look the part of covert spy. Spike thought she was as cute as a button but didn't dare say so.

She was completely in General Buffy mode as she'd described to him earlier and would not appreciate wardrobe commentary.

They looked at each other over the opening before descending into the belly of the beast. Spike offered her a wry smile and Buffy returned it.

Then they went in.

37.

“Is anyone else expecting to hear the theme music from 'Alien'? ” Xander asked nervously, crawling behind Spike and getting very up close and personal with a male friend's behind.

The ventilation shafts were large enough to accommodate anything vaguely human-sized and Xander suspected that they were not the first to go through them.

“Well, we could sure use that Ripley woman right about now. ” Willow whispered from behind him.

“Hey, I'm as good as Ripley- “ Buffy began in a normal voice but was interrupted by shushing, “I'm better even. Let me at those creepy, acid-bleeding … O.K, maybe I better not say things like that on the Hellmouth. ”

Xander was glad she didn't continue. For all they knew they'd meet up with something worse on the next group patrol.

“Do you smell him yet? ” Buffy whispered loudly.

“No. ” Spike replied.

“Aren't you supposed to have some weird sire/childe bond thing? ” Xander asked.

“ For the last time, Angel is not my bloody sire and there are quite a few interfering smells in between. Give us a bit more time. Maybe another mile or two. ” Spike slinked through the crawlspace as though he were born to it, of course.

“MILES? ”

“Sssshhhh! ”

* * *

Spike's head swam with the smells, actually. He could smell hundreds of demons, all with the stink of the same despair and starvation that the camps had had in Germany. They all smelled so strongly of pain that Spike could practically feel it.

The truth was, even though he couldn't smell Angel yet, he could sense his presence, even through miles of steel and rock.

The call of family was always strong and Angel's pain was demanding retribution. His blood was starting to throb with it.

The trouble was, they might not be able to get him out without any human casualties.

There was a part of Spike that was very excited about this prospect. The demon surged forward in his bloodlust. He wanted to rip them apart for their arrogance and feast on their blood ripe with terror.

But the part of Spike that had spent almost two years with someone as sweet and pure as Tara drew back from these thoughts in horror. It was the part that said, just because these people are in the wrong, doesn't mean they're not someone else's Tara, or Buffy, or even Xander.

Spike tried to shut off his senses entirely for a few moments to get himself under control. He focused on Buffy scent ahead of him and realized that he would have to follow her lead. He would trust her to draw the line because Tara was not here to do so.

* * *

When they slipped through the maintenance entrance of the elevator shaft, Xander realized how easy it was to crack his homeland's security. He figured they weren't concerned with someone trying to break in and that they might have a much harder time getting out again.

Xander genuinely disliked Angel. No. Hate. Hate was a good word. He was risking his life right now on Buffy's say so, and while that it self was not unusual, the thought of doing it for Angel made him grit his teeth.

But how must Spike feel then? He was the current boyfriend getting shafted in favor of the former. But then Spike had a weird relationship with Angel that was Pre-Buffy. And from Willow vague comments, it wasn't really a good one at all.

But it had been Spike that had come running to Buffy with the news that Angel had been captured.

It all made Xander's head hurt and he decided to stop thinking about it until they were out of this place.

* * *

Willow was preparing to cast the glamours that Tara had so carefully instructed her in. They weren't really that difficult on the scale of magic and Willow had been a little embarrassed at not having mastered them before.

Spike and Xander would be soldiers, she and Buffy would be doctors and Angel would be a Fyarl demon once they got him out. Spike had suggested Fyarl because they were easily led and responded well to pain as an inhibitor. Therefore, they would be easily controlled and could be led about more freely then something as tricky as a vampire.

It was actually quite exciting, Willow was eager to prove herself and this was the perfect opportunity.

* * *

Buffy was consciously making herself not think, as they slipped through the hatch into the engineering room. On one hand, she had someone she used to love very much in danger. On the other, she had someone she was growing to love very much who had suffered at his hands. And she was placing them all in a very dangerous position to save said former love.

But the fact that Spike had come to her with the information must mean that he wanted to help, too, right?

But that wasn't necessarily true. It wasn't the soldier guys that had Spike all decked out in the Big Bad wardrobe and 'tude. It was the Angel-factor.

They all took a deep breath and Willow put the glamours in place before they stepped out into the hall. Buffy felt her stomach twist as they approached a group of men in camoflauge gear.

And they passed without even a glance in their direction. Buffy smiled over at an ecstatic Willow. And she turned to Spike.

Her smile faded, he was inhaling deeply and she could see his nostrils flare.

He smelled Angel.

* * *

There had been times when the scent of Angelus had made Spike want to vomit in a combination of fear and hatred. But that had been before there was even a Spike. That had been William, because Spike refused to let Angelus make him afraid.

There had been times when Angelus' scent had been a comfort, the smell of family and familiarity and of knowing the lesser of two evils, those being the evil of solitude and the evil of Angelus himself.

Now Angel's smell was thick with pain and Spike surprised himself with the anger it inspired. His grandsire's pain did not please him for once. Maybe it had more to do with the violation of these humans pursuming to injure his family. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Spike wasn't the one responsible for his pain.

He didn't know, and he didn't really care.

* * *

Xander knew the 'I smell something' face and he tensed. Maybe it was just some demon poo and they could go home? He suspected Angel might smell a bit like demon poo.

No? Damn it.

Xander shouldered the weapons they had 'liberated' from the army reserve base and followed at the heels of his friends.

The things he did for these people!

* * *

The cage didn't look like a cage. It was transparent with some sort of force field running electric charges through it. The static from the walls made the tiny hairs on Buffy's neck stand on end.

Angel was curled on the floor unconscious. Her first thought was that he was dead. Which was ridiculous. Of course he was dead.

He wasn't dust. She supposed that's what really mattered.

“Drugged. ” Spike whispered, “I can smell it. ”

Willow began searching the wall from a control panel, “Reveal! ”

A hidden door in the wall popped open and she ran to it.

“That was easier than I thought. ” Willow exclaimed, hitting a few buttons.

All the cages promptly flickered open.

“O.K, beginning to think I should have thought that one through a bit more. ” Willow shouted through the resounding chaos.

Spike and Buffy wasted no time picking Angel up between them and heading to a vent opening.

38.

(Author's Note: I'm so sorry this chapter is so late, but work is kicking my ass lately. I think I'm going to switch my 'writing time' from after work to before. I don't want my exhaustion and frustration to start coming out in the story at all.)

Spike was convinced Angel had put on a good thirty pounds since the last time he'd seen him. Hefting his grandsire's bulk through nightmarish metallic corridors was not the way Spike envisioned any good night going.

The fleeing demons ignored them for the most part, but the approaching soldiers were another matter.

Spike watched in morbid fascination as some of the demons ripped into the soldiers with a vengeance, and other collapsed howling in pain as they rushed forward.

That must be what the techno-leashes he'd heard described did. Something they put in your brain that made you vulnerable. Spike shuddered at the thought of being at the mercy of humans unable to defend yourself from their cruelty. He'd seen plenty of human cruelty to know it could make demon and vampire viciousness look like puppy bites.

He and Buffy pulled Angel body to the side, crushing back against the wall as another wave of demons came through.

He knew Buffy was wondering what was going on, but there was no time to explain. Spike shifted into game-face, through it could not be seen through the glamour, and used a fang to slice into his arm. He waved he bleeding wound in front of Angel's face and the older vampire started to come to.

* * *

The allure of family blood trickled into Angel sub-conscious, rousing him from the drugged sleep.

He had to be dreaming. Or possibly dust and in Hell again and this was his new torment, healing family blood freely offered but only centimeters away and still unreachable.

He flickered his eyes open to find strangers gazing down at him. But their scents told different stories.

“Bloody Hell, you stupid wanker! Get up you're too heavy to carry! Did you think this was a free ride? Get off your lazy arse and help us help you! ”

“Spike? ” The name came through cracked lips and a throat raw from screaming, but his youngest had no sympathy for him.

“Give the poofter a prize. Take a drink and get moving. ”

Angel weakly latched on and drank deeply.

* * *

After a few minutes, Buffy noticed Spike's eyes starting to droop, “He's taking too much. ” She forced Angel's jaws away from Spike's arm and was greeted with a much stronger, “Buffy? ”

“Wow, you're two for two. Can you walk? ”

Angel got up, steady on feet now and they started cutting their way through the throngs.

Buffy spotted Willow and Xander coming through another hallway and waved them over.

Heavily masked and armed soldiers followed them.

“We'll take it from here, doctor. We appreciate you holding on to Hostile 56 but you need to get yourselves to safety now. ” The tall soldier in the front began tugging Angel away from them.

Spike knocked him unconscious with a blow to his temple and spun out with a spin kick taking down two others. Buffy took advantage of the soldiers' shock to take down a few of her own and Angel went nearly savage on a sixth.

Even as he was hauling an enraged Angel off the bleeding man, Spike couldn't help but be relieved. Angel obviously hadn't had one of those thing shoved in his head. Spike wouldn't wish something like that on his worst enemy.

“This way! ” Willow shouted from their left.

Spike grabbed a firmly attached part of Angel and made for the vent opening, a still fighting Buffy in tow.

* * *

They really didn't stop running until they reached the playground at the head of the block where Spike and Tara's house was.

Xander bent forward, gripping a side stitch and gasping for air. Willow sat down hard on the swings. And Spike shoved Angel to the side, getting as far away from him as possible, and lit up a smoke.

“Hey Will, do you think you can take off the glamours now? ” Buffy asked, coming over to stand next to Spike. She wanted to see his face first after seeing a stranger for the last hour.

“Oh yeah! Sorry, I kind of forgot. ” Willow closed her eyes and concentrated. Her features lightened immediately and the face melted away to reveal Willow own.

Watching this process, Buffy realized they all had changed back at the same time. She turned to Spike and gave him a kiss just after he let a puff of smoke go.

It didn't taste as bad as she thought it would. It gave him a musky flavor.

Angel cleared his throat, “Not that I don't appreciate the rescue, but can someone tell me who those people were? ”

He sounded angry and Buffy tensed at first before she realized the anger wasn't directed at her and Spike and their minor PDA at all.

“We don't really know. ” Willow piped up, “They just kind of appeared. The only reason we knew where to look for you, or that they had you at all, was because Spike heard something and did a little digging. ”

Angel looked over at his grandchilde, who was studiously not looking at him.

Spike spoke up finally, “We should get in, Tara and Anya are going to be worried and Rupert is all ready with his notebook to start writing this down, I just know it. ”

Xander slumped a bit more before getting to his feet, “Do you think they'll have food? I'm just not seeing anymore walking without the promise of nourishment. ”

Spike snorted, “Knowing Tara and the way she worries, it'll be an all-you-can-eat buffet. ”

* * *

As promised, Tara had been nervously working away in the kitchen to distract herself from the danger her best friend and her lover were in.

Tara was the sort that always had homemade cookies in the cookie jar and a freshly baked treat on the cake stand on the counter. She always had ice cream in her freezer and some leftovers waiting to be heated up at a moments notice.

But tonight she had even out done herself.

When she heard the group on the porch, she dropped the chili spoon and bolted for the door, beating Anya by a good two seconds.

She was in Spike arms in another.

The familiar creak of his duster and his soft chuckle were beyond soothing. After she was sure he'd had enough, she moved on to Tara. Meanwhile, Anya was all over Xander giving him an earful all the while.

“I really don't think you should have gone at all. You have absolutely no extraordinary abilities. You should have left the dangerous things to Spike and Buffy. ” As an after thought Anya frowned, “And Willow. ”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ahn. ” Xander rolled his eyes skyward as if pleading for divine intervention.

“I made chili and jambalaya and lasagna because I wanted comfort food and I didn't know what everyone would like. ” Tara began heading toward the kitchen, “I made some pecan pie and ginger cookies and we have lots of ice cream … What? ”

Everyone was still standing in the doorway.

“Tara love, you want to go ahead and invite Peaches in? ” Spike crossed his arms, hugging himself slightly and stepped aside to reveal his grandsire, slightly more worse for wear than the last time he had stood there.

Tara's eyes flicked to Spike's face. He didn't like it, but he thought it had to be done.

“Come in, Angelus. ” She muttered, wishing it could be any other way.

She didn't pause to watch Angel cross the threshold, but followed Spike into the kitchen.

39.

(Author's Note: I have to warn you guys again: There is an element of slash to this one. Now they aren't actually doing anything but I don't want to freak anyone out. So if homoeroticism in any way shape or form makes you uncomfortable then you probably didn't watch Angel Season Five... and you shouldn't read this chapter.)

Angel sat at the island counter in a very cheery kitchen. There were herbs and flowers hanging from the ceiling to dry and they added to the perfume in the air, the smell of spices and garlic from the recent cooking mixed with sweet ginger as Buffy took a bite of her cookie.

It was a beautiful place and he most certainly wasn't welcome.

Everyone kind of ate around him, avoiding both eye contact as well as conversation. He didn't think Spike could get further away from him while still being in the same room.

Xander, after polishing off a bowl of chili, a plate of jambalaya and two pieces of lasagna, finally made a conversational effort, if it could be called that.

“So, Dead Boy, when are you shipping out again? I'll help you pack. ”

“Xander! ” This came rather half-heartedly from Willow and Buffy. No one else said anything.

Angel shifted on the chair and winced, a sharp pain lacing out from his collarbone to his hip.

“Angel isn't healed up yet, Xander. Give him a few days. ” Buffy said concentrating rather closely on her ice cream.

“And where exactly is he going to stay. And don't say with me because forget it. I helped you get him out of the Presidio, I'm done. ” Xander shoveled another spoonful of Phish Food into his mouth seemingly as a method of informing everybody the conversation was closed.

Buffy looked over at Giles, but before she could even get a proper pout going he shut her down, “No. Out of the question and not in this or any other life time. ”

Buffy stirred her ice cream with irritation. She wanted to go to bed. With Spike. But now she had to deal with the Angel situation before the happies could begin. She dismissed her mother as an option before it was even considered. That was a world of 'no, never going to happen.'

Angel kept quite mum about his recent stay at the decrepit mansion. It was best not to bring up these things when you were trying to spend some time with someone you needed to make up with. So far Spike had said absolutely nothing. He sat next to Buffy, eating the food and drinking his blood making it clear that he had nothing to say regarding the matter and further more implying that he didn't care.

Buffy bit her lip. Spike would not like this. Tara would not like this. She didn't like this, “Spike? ”

Spike looked up from his lasagna, “Yeah, pet? ”

“No. ” Tara said from across the table. She had apparently already made the logical leap where Buffy's mind had gone.

“But it would only be for a few days and I promise I'll be here the whole time and you can go stay with Willow at the dorm if you want. Please, Tara? You have that other bedroom that no one's staying in. ” Buffy worked her way into the pout as quickly as possible.

Tara weakened because her Southern hospitality was warring with her good sense, “Alright. IF it's only for a few days and he has nowhere else to go. And I'm not going anywhere. ”

* * *

Xander helped Spike unwrap the mattress from it's plastic. The room was furnished but it had never been used, “Man, I can't believe you're letting him stay here. ”

Spike looked up distractedly, “What? ”

Xander stared at him for a few seconds, “Are you O.K? ”

Spike shook his head, “Yeah, I'm just still coming down off the rush, you know? ”

Xander shifted the mattress, “Yeah. O.K. If you say so. ”

* * *

Giles went home after writing a plethora of cryptic notes. Xander, in the spirit of male solidarity, convinced Anya they should bunk it out of the pullout sofa.

They lay staring at the ceiling, Xander could feel his mind whirring with unwanted thoughts. We kill demons, the soldiers kill demons, but the soldiers are evil because they do things other than killing demons. It was all pretty confusing.

Xander preferred the Scoobies previous attitude: Demons bad destroy, destroy.

Well, except for Angel. When he had the soul.

And Spike as of three months ago.

Of course, Xander preferred Spike to Angel to the degree of infinity plus one, even if he was all with the Buffy mackage.

He would prefer an animated lawn gnome with Buffy so long as it wasn't Angel.

And now he was thinking about Spike and Angel again. What was with that? It wasn't that he didn't understand Spike's hatred of Angel, because he was totally in agreement with him on that.

It was the things Willow had vaguely alluded to when Xander had quizzed her about the Angel badness last week. Xander had a pretty good imagination and it had been fuelled by years of desensitizing media violence. He'd seen Pulp Fiction at a young age and he could imagine things that made his blood run cold. What he couldn't figure out was why Spike was even helping the guy at all if anything even close to what he was imagining was true.

It all made his head hurt and Anya was now demanding a distraction of another kind.

* * *

Buffy lay next to Spike staring at the ceiling and cursing Angel's name. Spike was curled up on the other side of the bed with his back to her. He wasn't sleeping either Buffy could tell he was faking.

Part of her was creeped out by what she wanted to do. Which was Spike, in everyway imaginable and right now.

But Angel was on the other side of the wall. Angel was a vampire with a vampire sense of hearing and smell. He would completely know what they were up to.

It wasn't the fact that it was Angel that bothered her it was that ANYONE would know she was having sex. The though made her face flush and even her thoughts start to stammer.

Spike had made no advances and Buffy wondered what he was thinking. It couldn't possibly be that he didn't feel safe with Angel in the house. She was right there next to him, the Slayer, as in of vampires! Like she would ever let Angel in twenty feet of him if she thought the older vampire was a threat.

Of course, he might not appreciate the fact that she was so adamant about protecting him. He had the strange idea that he could take care of himself. Which was true, but it didn't mean that he would ever be facing Angel or Angelus or whatever on his own. No, if anyone was going to be taking down the gelled wonder (great, now she had Spike-thoughts invading her brain) it would be Buffy herself.

She was feeling a bit bolder now. Maybe if she could try to keep it down Angel … and Willow and Tara … and Xander and Anya might all sleep through the whole thing? She boldly slid one hand under the covers and cupped Spike's ass.

He jerked back from her so forcefully he fell out of the bed.

Buffy immediately realized her mistake and felt like crying at the expression on his face, “Oh, Spike I'm sorry I was trying to be all Seductive Buffy and I just screwed it up. ”

Spike stared at her for a few seconds before automatically slipping into comfort mode and getting back into bed, “It's all right, precious thing. Was just startled is all. You didn't screw anything up, I'm the one with the problems. ” He ran his hands along her arms in a soothing motion and managed a smile.

Buffy smiled back and grew bold again. She could distract him from any nasty thoughts, she decided kissing him deeply until he let out a soft groan and his hips began moving of their own accord.

* * *

Anything imagining Buffy might have had about Angel sleeping through anything was dead wrong. Especially since he'd had one ear pressed against the wall since they'd all retired.

He swallowed thickly listening to the soft moans and heavy breathing. He could smell them both even in here. He could only imagine what the room was like.

He was as hard as a rock almost immediately, his soul protested briefly about the morality or lack there of behind voyeurism but his libido silenced it almost before it began.

He'd had them both and they were the best he'd ever touched.

He knew how they looked bare and writhing and he could imagine it as clear as day. Spike would be all silver in the moonlight, fine-boned beauty moving in the ancient rhythm of love. Buffy would be beneath him, a golden California princess all soft girlishness and womanly mystique.

His hand found it's way between his legs before he'd even given it a thought. He had to see them.

He slipped out into the hall a spotted the door ever so slightly ajar. He wasted no time it letting the well-oiled hinges fall further open.

He'd been wrong about the positions, but little else. Buffy was riding Spike with abandon, she pinned his arms playfully spread eagle and she was staring into his face with purpose.

Spike's body, all fine lines planes and angles that sculptures had searched for in their models shifted on the bed. He looked to be halfway between strained to keep himself in place and straining to rise up to meet her.

They were the most beautiful things Angel had ever seen.

Buffy came at once, a choked cry bursting forth despite her efforts to suppress it and Spike flipped her at once onto her back.

Angel's motions sped up at the sight before him. Spike's ass, a more perfect creation never seen under the sun or moon, was in perfect view. Angel remembered well what it was like to be inside it, buried to the hilt and to never want to leave.

The echoes of screams and pleading filled his ears at once and he remembered at last, the circumstances of such an experience.

They were both reaching climax when Angel slipped hurriedly from his position in the hall. To his shame, his erection had not gone down, even with the horrific memory of committing rape.

He lay flat on his back for the rest of the night, as hard as nails and refusing to touch himself. He deserved the suffering. He deserved the isolation. He deserved the sweet torture of knowing the two beings he most longed for had each other and needed nothing from him.

40.

Angel awoke aching and bleary-eyed, he was used to keeping human hours for the benefit of Cordelia and Doyle but his actions of the night before eliminated any chance of rest.

He glanced over at the hastily covered window. How was it, in a house with a resident vampire, that most of the windows needed emergency covers?

He listened for the activity in the house and was relieved to find the room next door silent. He didn't think he could survive another encounter.

Laying there, listening to the chatter and eating noises from downstairs, Angel thought about where he had been and where he was. It was clear that everyone in the house had played at least a small part in freeing him and for that he would be eternally grateful. But it was Spike he remembered most clearly from the night before. It must have been him, rousing the older vampire by plying him with family blood, hauling him through the hazards into the outside world.

Angel did not deserve such actions from anyone, let alone one he had hurt so much.

But the thought, even as it depressed him further, gave him some hope. If Spike cared enough to come to his rescue, then maybe forgiveness could be possible.

* * *

Spike was relaxed. The conversation flowed around him and he found himself taking part without difficulty. Which was a far cry from his stony silence of the night before.

Buffy was rested against his side eating waffles with the occasional saucy grin directed his way. It was difficult to worry about anything when one had a warm and wiggly Slayer all but in one's lap.

They were making plans for a Pythonathon for that evening. This was a tradition for Spike and Tara. It involved excessive viewing of Monty Python's Flying Circus (including all three movies) and even more excessive junk food consumption.

Buffy had never even heard of the evenings entertainment, but was very willing to give it a go, seeing as Spike was so in love with it.

And something with a lot of junk food involved could hardly be that bad.

Xander, who had only really seen Life of Brian, The Holy Grail and a few sketches, had wrapped a sheet around himself and was attempting to impersonated Brian's mother.

“BRIII-AN! I want to go to the stoning! ”

It was at this point Angel walked in.

He stared at Xander for a few minutes, blinked, and shuffled a little further into the room.

Tara with her Southern sense of hospitality in full swing with all the guests present, got up to make him a mug of tea. She set a mug of Mint Magic down and Angel didn't even consider refusing.

Xander meanwhile, ignored Angel completely and moved on to the Knights Who Say 'NI'.

Spike kept a close eye on his grandsire, but relaxed again when Buffy wrapping one deceptively small, strong arm around the small of his back and laid her head on his shoulder.

I'm not freshly turned anymore, Spike reminded himself; I'm a master vampire sitting in my own home. My girl is making it clear I'm her priority and my best friend with zap him into next week if he even looks at me wrong. This isn't one hundred years ago or even two years ago. It's over and it won't happen again.

Spike sat up a bit straighter and cocked one eyebrow, “Oi! Peaches! Want to see a trick? ”

Angel glanced up sharply to see Spike get up and swing the east-facing kitchen door opening. He immediately leapt to his feet to stop the apparently insane younger vampire, when he noticed no one else seemed concerned at all.

Then he noticed Spike wasn't burning. He wasn't even smoking a little bit.

Spike leapt down the kitchen steps into the garden and started turning cartwheels, “Hey, bet you can't do this! ”

Buffy turned to observe Angel's stunned reaction when the voice of her lover called to her, “Hey, Buffy watch this! Are you watching? Watch me! ”

She turned back with a sardonic smile to see his balancing precariously on the garden fence, “No, wait I'm not ready yet! Don't watch! ”

Buffy giggled and was about to explain about the spell when Tara interrupted her, “Well, since Spike brought it up- “

Another, “Watch me! ” was heard and everyone turned to face the garden.

Tara laughed, “Since Spike brought it up, I guess it really is time to come clean. ”

Tara called Spike in and they all sat around the table to hear the tale of the Gem of Amarra.

* * *

Buffy kept poking his abdomen and it was very disconcerting.

“So this is where it is right? Can you feel it when I do this? ” She gave him a firmer poke.

Spike oooffed, “No, it's higher, under my ribs. ”

They lay sprawled on the bed after a day of loafing about, Spike and Angel had actually managed a few civil conversations, and Buffy had avoided working on two papers.

Xander and Anya were still parked on the hide-a-bed; Xander still convinced he might be needed for a staking opportunity if Angel made a wrong move. He was quite willing to take all the guilt of Angel's demise onto himself so Buffy and Spike could be spared.

“How selfless of him. ” had been Buffy's response.

“Can you feel it when I do this? ” Buffy tickled him shamelessly along the sides of his torso where he was most sensitive.

Spike twisted in a futile effort to avoid losing his dignity but was forced to submit to a total loss of control. He giggled wildly.

And would deny it later that any sound as unmanly as a giggle had ever escaped from his mouth.

“No! No! Stop- “ He collapsed in relief when Buffy let up on her assault.

“Can you feel it when I do this? ” Buffy snaked hand beneath the covered and grasped something no even remotely Gem-like.

“Yes, I think you've found it. But you had better keep prodding in the interests of science and all that. ”

So she did.

41.

That evening, Spike patrolled with Buffy and they ended up back at the house early. The town's demon population was deader than usual. Buffy suspected the soldiers were responsible and this annoyed her. A girl needed a good slay every once in a while. Not to mention how relaxed Spike got after a fight.

They sat out on the porch for a while before Angel came out and Buffy excused herself quietly to give them some time alone. Angel had asked her for this that afternoon and she had agreed with a bit of trepidation.

Spike watched her enter through the kitchen with a trickle of apprehension. Then he realized he was being ridiculous. He could handle his own and she was only a few feet away. He shook his head at his own paranoia.

Angel sat down a comfortable distance away, “We need to talk. ”

“No, Peaches. You need to talk. I'm living my unlife, as happy as a clam. You're the one with the issues. ” Spike found himself unconsciously searching for a pack of smokes. There were none, as he was trying to kick the habit again.

“We both know that isn't true. You've got more issues then Time Magazine and I'm not responsible for all of them. ”

Spike snorted and started picking at the chipping paint on the steps, “You certainly contributed your share. ”

“Yeah, I did. I know you don't get the difference between the demon and the soul- “

“Don't give me that bullshit! You think just because I don't have a sodding soul I can tell the difference between you and him? As little as it is. ”

“Little? Spike, I happen to think I'm pretty far removed- “

“Yeah, well that's what you think. I can feel you, you know. I felt you last night. If I ever catch you peeping on my girl again I'll shove a bloody Christmas tree through your chest. ” Spike felt wood snap beneath his fingers.

Angel fell silent.

Stupid coward, Spike thought, can't even admit it when he's wrong.

“Did you tell her about that? ” Angel asked quietly.

“No! Do you think I want her squirming around you all uncomfortable and embarrassed and refusing to do anything with me because you're there? If she didn't just stake you instead … On second thought, maybe I should tell her- “

“No! Look, sometimes I have trouble controlling the demon- “ Angel began.

“Will you listen to yourself? You ARE the bloody demon! And if I can control myself at one hundred and twenty-six you should be able to control yourself at two hundred and fifty-one. ” Spike noticed he'd cut himself on a sharp splinter and absently stuck the bleeding wound into his mouth. He noticed Angel's eyes shine gold briefly at the smell of blood.

He turned around to face him completely and Angel's eyes had gone back to brown, “Your problem is that you try to control it too much. ”

“Spike, if you had a soul you'd understand how difficult it was. ”

“I don't have a soul, do you think it's easy for me? You can't hide behind the demon like it's some mental illness and then turn around and claim that because you have the soul you're better than others. Dru, now Dru had an excuse, she was looped to fuck. Another of yours by the way. Us, we're just weak. I've stopped. I'm not living for the kill anymore because it's been shown to me that there are better reasons. But you, you rope the demon in so tight it's going mad and you blame it like those evil 'the devil made me do it' bastards. ” Spike licked the cut clean and wiped his fingers on his jeans.

“I'm sorry I hurt you. ”

Spike looked up sharply to find genuine remorse in Angel's eyes.

“Part of it was me you're right. It will always be a part of me. ” Angel started straight ahead, unable to meet Spike's eyes, “I took everything I could from you. I stole any claims to innocence you had. I tortured you trying to make you as twisted as I was. I raped you because you're beautiful and you were even more beautiful to me when you were bleeding. I raped you because I wanted you but Angelus- But I never asked for anything, I just took it. I tried to keep Drusilla away from you not because I wanted her but because you loved her and it hurt you even more. I was selfish, I was barbaric and there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I keep asking for it anyway. ”

“ I don't think I can forgive you. ” Spike stated quietly.

Angel released a painful breath. A sharp ache started in his gut, one more family member completely lost to him.

“But I think, after a while, I could move beyond it anyway. I can't hold on to this forever. Whenever I see you or even think about you it just eats away at me, how angry I am and how- Tara said that you don't forgive somebody for their sake, you do it for your own. I guess she's right. ” Spike started picking at a scuffmark on one of his Docs.

Angel stared at Spike in awe but the younger vampire didn't look up.

“I guess maybe we could try to work together sometime. I think Buffy would like it. She still cares about you. Why, I'll never know. ” Spike smirked up at his grandsire.

“Spike I- I can't believe you're willing to try this! ”

Spike rolled his eyes, “What can I say, Peaches, I've grown as a person. ”

* * *

Angel was still in shock as he lay down in the bed, he stared at the ceiling, even too distracted to listen to the sounds of lovemaking for the next room. But was the breathy moans and loving muttering turned to actual conversation, he strained forward pressing his ear against the wall.

He told himself he wanted to know Buffy's reaction to Spike's decision.

* * *

“Was it always rape? I mean, every time he touched you, did it hurt? ” Buffy asked quietly, hugging him tight.

Spike sighed, “It's more complicated then that pet. Yeah, the first decade or so, it pretty much was. And it was actually even worse two years ago when I was in the chair. ” He felt Buffy stiffen next to him, “Now none of that, pet. It wasn't your fault. You were just doing your job. I deserved what I got. ”

“You didn't deserve what he did to you! No one deserves that. And I let him out. ” Buffy buried her face in Spike's neck.

“As if you knew that was what was going to happen. Anyway, towards the end, the last five years or so, I was almost in love with the bastard. That's why it hurt so much when he just up and left. He only went to Darla after the soul, not to Dru and me. If he'd come to us we'd have gone with him. We'd have fed him from our own throats if that's what it took. ”

* * *

Next-door Angel felt his chest seize. Spike's words were strangely touching and bittersweet. He felt the guilt from the mention of rape, but the sharp joy at his admission of love.

* * *

“Liam and I- “

“Uh, who's Liam? ” Buffy asked suddenly.

Spike stared down at her, stunned, “That's his real name, pet. ”

“Oh, my God! I went out with him for like two years and I didn't even know his real name? ”

“Well, it wasn't really his name anymore. He took on the Angelus moniker as soon as he was turned. ” Spike placated.

“Well yeah, but even I know your real name is William and you were my enemy for the longest time. Anyway, go on. ”

Spike began again, “Liam and I had a weird relationship. I had everything to prove because Dru was so fixated on him. He was obsessed with making me more of a vampire. He always said I had too much humanity in me to make a decent vampire. It always made me wonder why he never did stake me. He threatened to often enough. ”

“Maybe he was a bit in love with you too. ” Buffy suggested.

Spike snorted, “ I doubt that, love, even that blue Judge bloke said there was none of that in him. No, I think he was a bit obsessed with me, like me was with Dru. Only he never managed to break me completely like he did with her and I think that just pissed him off. Either way, he hurt me and made me love him for it by the end. What does that say about me? ” Spike finished with a laugh that had no humor in it.

“It's sounds a bit like Stockholm Syndrome, if you ask me. ” Buffy offered.

“No, Stockholm doesn't last a century. ”

* * *

Angel nearly fell out of the bed because Spike just implied that he still had feeling for him! And they were loving feelings, not all hateful feelings.

At once a vicious burning pain laced through him. Oh no.

Oh, God, no.

Not now.

The bright flash of the soul leaving his body blinded him and his body slumped to the floor.

42.

Angelus stood up shakily but grinning. He was free.

It was the strangest thing that did it. But it at least made more sense than sleeping with the air-headed Slayer.

His mind whirled with all the possibilities. He had so much to do.

So many people to torture, so little time.

* * *

He stalked through the house, not planning on doing anything to them that night. But he enjoyed walking among their sleeping forms knowing he could and that they were completely unaware of the threat.

He spent the most time in Buffy and Spike's bedroom.

On one hand, Spike needed to b punished for the Acathla incident. It wasn't that Angelus thought it should have proceeded, when he thought about it now the whole thing did seem kind of stupid.

But Spike had made an alliance with the Slayer to do it and he needed to be punished for that.

On the other hand, Spike had gotten him away from the soldiers, which was not without serious merit.

Which brought him to the soldiers and his plans for that very night.

* * *

Finding minions in Sunnydale was always laughably easy because the town was full of mindless fledglings making the Slayer's life easy and the Slayer herself overconfident.

He found a dozen willing to follow him into the military instillation and they made a killing.

Literarly.

Angelus first found the medical storage closets and raided it for tranquilizers. Witches were unpredictable at best and it would be foolish to capture them and try to hold them while they were conscious.

Then he stocked up on tasers. He wasn't Spike. When you wanted to grab a Slayer, you didn't fight fair.

Angelus liked to eliminate all chances of losing.

They killed everyone who ventured to investigate and he felt disgusted at how easily he'd been captured by these idiots in the first place.

Then they hit weapons storage.

Grenades were a wonderful invention.

The Initiative labs were completely destroyed.

Deep beneath Sunnydale, a monstrosity known as Adam was reduced to cinders before he was even finished.

* * *

Angelus was not the patient sort, once the festivities had begun he opted to continue them rather than wait.

He sent the minions to the mansion with detailed instructions of the set-up he wanted and went to capture himself some hostages.

Of course, to call them hostages implied there was a chance they would one day be set free.

He simply knocked Xander and Anya unconscious and sent them along with the two largest vampires. Then he slipped upstairs.

He debated taking Buffy and Spike that very night, but there was a chance they would awaken and he really didn't want to face them together.

So he drugged the witches first and spirited them away, careful to eliminate any sign of a struggle.

It was the first time he'd ever made a bed.

* * *

Buffy woke up to a silent house, this wasn't uncommon though, as both Tara and Willow often had early classes.

She grinned and cuddled closer to a still slumbering Spike. She gradually slid the covers off of them and admired what was revealed.

He had such a pretty penis.

And that was something she'd never utter out loud.

It rested soft and trusting against her inner thigh and she felt a rush of tenderness. She slid her hands around him and down the small of his back and cupped his ass cheeks. He shifted in his sleep and she kissed him, nudging her tongue past pliant lips.

She felt him wake up and respond and she grinned, tongue still in his mouth.

The words, 'all mine' ran through her mind.

* * *

Buffy was not alarmed to find Xander and Anya gone.

Xander would have left for work and Anya would have gone off and done Anya things.

Buffy felt a bit guilty that she didn't know what exactly her friend's significant other did.

But Spike was flipping pancakes and she didn't feel terribly bad. Anya probably had no idea what classes she was taking.

For that matter neither did Xander.

And Spike looked good flipping pancakes.

“So Christmas is only two weeks away, you know. ” Buffy remarked, sipping her orange juice.

Spike smirked over at her, “Are you trying to tell me something? ”

“No, I just want to know what you want. ” Buffy was still regretting not buying him a 'Happy Not Killing People for Another Six Months' present.

“I don't need anything, love. Just buy yourself something nice. Speaking of which, what do you want for Christmas? ”

Damn it, Buffy thought, I'll have to try asking Tara.

“Something pretty. “ She answered, smiling beatifically around the rim of her glass.

* * *

It was only when they discovered Angel was missing that they started to worry.

“You don't think he went out last night and got caught again, do you? ” Buffy asked, nervously straightening the comforter on the bed.

“No, now that he knows they're out there, I'd imagine he can avoid them. The wanker didn't survive for two hundred plus years by being stupid about things like that. More likely, he's holed up somewhere having been caught by the sun. He'll come back at dusk looking sheepish and that'll be the end of it. ” Spike betrayed none of his concern in his words and Buffy was soothed.

“Yeah, most likely. He had to stay at my house once, through the day. I was pretty stupid about it. I didn't even figure out he was a vampire from that. I mean, why didn't I think it was weird he spent the whole day in my bedroom? Then I kissed him and found out. ”

Spike chuckled, “Yeah? I'm glad your mum never found out about that. He'd have been blowing in the wind before you could say a thing. ”

“Oh, speaking of which, let's not ever bring that up with her. I'm pretty sure she can still ground me. ”

* * *

Angelus pulled the sheet over his masterpiece. It wouldn't do to show all his cards at once, now would it?

The manticles were all chained to the wall as he had asked and four sets were now occupied. The fifth would be filled that night. He tested the taser again and grinned.

He kept the witches totally out of it for now, they could come to once the party was under way, they'd still be too weak to cast anything nasty, but wide-awake to watch.

It wouldn't be any fun unless they knew exactly what was going on.

43.

Angelus had decided on his plan of action. His Judas, his boy, Spike would return to the fold. Angelus figured if he could torture Drusilla to insanity he could torture Spike back to where he should be.

Spike had clearly let his fool head get carried away. He was voluntarily drinking pigswill and loving a Slayer. There was no soul to excuse this behavior. But Spike had always been overzealous. He had needed a ridiculous amount of discipline to keep him in line when he was a fledge. It seemed a little more was in order.

Angelus was going to rebuild his family; Darla was dust and that could not be remedied. Part of him thought he was better off that way. She was a good fuck but as controlling as a fascist dictator and as mean as a snake at the best of times.

Drusilla was long gone and Angelus didn't care to call her back. After ten minutes the fits and the rambling got beyond tiring. He had no idea how Spike had put up with it for a century. She had been useful as a seer but sometimes you had to just make your own future.

No, he would build a new family, one he was completely in control of. He'd turn the Slayer and that would be more than enough to keep Spike in line. If he was feeling generous after Spike had been brought to his senses, he might turn the little blonde witch, maybe even the redhead.

The whelp, his little girlfriend and the Watcher would die of course. Angelus had stopped off at the Watcher's apartment as soon as dusk fell and drugged him to the gills. Watchers were a tricky bunch and he would put it past this one to have a few tricks up his sleeves.

* * *

The sun was officially set. Buffy stood at the window and pulled back the curtain, “We have to look for him. ”

Spike pulled on his coat, “Right then. We should start at the caves where those soldiers hang their hats. If there's no sign of him, we'll head back here and fetch the girls, they should be back from class by then. ”

Buffy pulled on her own jacket, “We'll break off into groups and get Xander, Anya and Giles if we don't find him. There are only so many places in this town he could be. Actually, you head to the soldier hang out, I'll go down to campus. We'll cover twice the ground and two heads are better than one. Or rather four heads are better than two. Or, if we get the others, than seven heads are better than- O.K, Buffy shut up. ”

Spike smirked and kissed her thoroughly, “We'll meet at the bench in an hour. Be careful, love. ”

Buffy smirked, “Who are you telling to be careful? You're the one who tripped over poor Zebidiah Jones' tombstone on patrol last week and gave himself a black eye. ”

“As I recall there was a certain amount of distraction involved. Someone was wearing a skirt of debatable appropriate length for vamp-dusting. ” Spike touched his forehead to hers and grinned.

“Oh, so the skirt doesn't meet your approval? I wouldn't want you all uncomfortable. ” Buffy grinned back saucily.

Spike moved in a little closer and caught himself, he shook his head and took a step back, “I'm about to get a lot uncomfortable and we need to get a move on. ”

Buffy pouted prettily, “See you in an hour. A whole stinking hour. ”

Spike waved, walking backwards and nearly into a ditch. Buffy giggled and dashed off before she got tempted to drag him into said ditch and no one would get any searching done.

* * *

Buffy was walking towards the science building when she blacked out. She was on the ground all of a sudden, feeling remembered pain and looking up into Angel's leering face.

Her vision started to blur and the edges browned out, all she could think of was, 'how?'

* * *

Spike arrived at an empty bench very worried. The caves were blackened shells of their former glory. The place was deserted. Part of him was wondering if it could be Angel, out for revenge, that didn't sound like the ensouled one at all though.

Which was what worried him.

Inklings of things he didn't want to consider tickled the edges of his mind. He needed to discuss them with Buffy before he even considered them a reality.

But the bench was empty. He lifted his nose to the air and started tracking.

It took him no time at all to pick up her scent. He found a big clue around a patch of disturbed gravel. She'd fallen here, but why?

He smelled Angel and saw red. Forcing himself to calm down and focus, he smelled the telltale faint smoky scent of electrocution.

All the pieces fell into place and he knew Tara and Willow weren't going to be coming home either.

* * *

Angelus was bored. All his prisoners were fully conscious, totally helpless, and utterly annoying. He'd positioned minions around key figures at close distances so Spike could no launch a surprise attack. He couldn't defend three people at once on different sides of the room.

The turning process couldn't happen until Spike was there to appreciate the horror.

What to do, what to do?

“So, Evil Again Dead? Is there like, a point to this or are we one some kind of reality show your hosting? ” Xander spoke around a painfully swollen lip and consequently lisped rather heavily.

Bingo.

“I don't know. I was thinking of a few things I could do to pass the time before the guest of honor arrives. ” The boy's fear was impossibly arousing. Angelus felt himself harden and smiled. It wasn't a nice one.

He unchained the whelp and hauled him bodily across the floor, he was the only one who could be allowed free of restraints, simply because he was absolutely no threat.

He tossed him across the stone floor near a large table, “Let's see, what haven't I done in a while? ”

“Save it, Angelus. You won't win. You never do. Haven't you figured that out yet? ” Buffy taunted, trying to draw the vampire's attention away from her prone friend.

“Oh, that was then, this is now. You want to know what the greatest victory is, Buff? Breaking someone to the point where they don't even want to defend themselves anymore. They just sort of curl up into a little ball of pathetic whimpering torn flesh and plead for mercy. Want to know how long it'll take me to do that to your little friend? ”

Buffy struggled to remain calm. This looked pretty bad. Very Bad. O.K, very, very, very bad. Spike was the only one free and he could do anything to help them while they were so heavily guarded. He made one move against Angelus and Tara would have her throat torn out by a minion. Or Willow would. Or she would.

She couldn't keep her eyes away from the center of the room, even if she felt it would be like watching a very messy train wreck. What was he going to do? There was an array of torture devices mounted on the wall. Angelus walked right by them. As he passed a cat o' nine tails Buffy cringed, but he walked right by.

He stood right behind Xander, who was struggling to his feet and picked him up, he bent him over the table and let his erection dig into the boy's back, “You ever taken up the ass, Xander? Ever bent over for a jock in the locker room? Ever had an uncle who was just a little too friendly? ”

Angelus felt the boy start to shake. He was dead on target as usual. He found one of the boy's biggest fears without even trying. This was going to be fun.

“What are you doing, you sick bastard? ” Buffy shouted from the rear wall where she had a perfect view of Angel yanking down Xander's plaid pajama pants.

“No-you can't do this-you can't- “ Xander was babbling now, Angel had him pinned to the table, the harsh, unyielding marble pressing into his face, obscuring his words.

As Angel undid his own pants and dropped them, he continued almost conversationally, “You know, Spike was a virgin when I first got him. All soft and innocent. Look at him now, maybe I'm doing you a favor. ”

As he positioned himself at the shaking boy's opening a familiar voice rang out, “Angelus, I thought you were better than that, taking sloppy replacements. What would Darla say if she could see you now? ”

Spike strolled in as if he owned the room and was utterly bored by it's occupants.

* * *

When he saw the activity in the room through the window, Spike had surprised himself by not hesitating for a moment.

He couldn't fight Angelus now, not while he had everyone he loved at his mercy.

But he could keep the boy safe.

Spike had been in that position more times than he cared to count. You were never the same afterwards.

So he strolled in, playing his part, a part he knew so well it was frightening. He played Angelus' whore.

He shifted his hips slightly in a way he knew the older vampire would find irresistible. What he had said was true; Angelus wouldn't bother with a lesser victim if he had his favourite on hand.

Spike swallowed his fear and his rather strong desire to avoid this at all costs. If he had to be violated in front of everyone to keep the monster sated and away from his friends, he would do it.

The thing he really worried about was if they would ever be able to look at him the same ever again afterward.

44.

Giles was completely aware of his surroundings.

Unfortunately.

Whatever drugs Angelus had pumped into his system were still enough to leave him almost paralyzed, but they left him in the here and now and he wished fervently that he could be anywhere else.

Tara and Willow were on either side of him in the same situation. Clearly Angelus thought they were enough of a threat to incapacitate them. Tara was still trying, though. She chanted under her breath desperate to stop what was sure to happen in the next few moments.

Tara wracked her brain, feverishly trying to find a spell she could grasp but the tranquilizer in her system made it impossible to really concentrate. The magic slipped tantalizingly from her touch when she tried to reach it.

* * *

Buffy was paralyzed as well, but she wasn't drugged. She was just horrified by her own helplessness and the terrifying nature of the situation she was in. She kept trying to say more, to draw Angel's attention away from Spike and Xander, but the words wouldn't come.

Angelus tossed Xander aside like a sack of something unpleasant. Buffy realized with a sick twist in her stomach that he had never wanted Xander at all. He only wanted to hurt him.

But he did want Spike. That was very clear.

Angelus stood in the center of the room naked from the waist down and totally unconcerned by it.

Buffy was used to this attitude from Spike, who had absolutely no sense of modesty, but in Angelus it disgusted her. She figured it was mostly the penis. It stood erect, jutting from his body and dripping pre-cum.

It wasn't particularly ugly, but she now viewed it as a weapon more than anything else. And she felt disgusted that it had been inside her even once.

“Well, now William, you've finally decided to join us. ” Angelus stalked over to the smaller vampire, “I think we've waited long enough. ” He reached out to grab him and when Spike pulled away instinctively, Angelus chucked, “Uh uh, you wouldn't want anything to happen to someone you might miss. ”

Angelus gestured to the minions, who had all moved in closer to the people they were guarding menacingly.

Spike froze and Angelus circled him, looking him up and down, “Take off that ridiculous coat. ” Spike glared at him but obeyed, carefully folding it and laying it on the table.

Angelus moved up against his back and Spike felt a shudder go through him that had nothing to do with arousal. Angelus ground his erection against the back of Spike's jeans and sniffed his neck and hair hard enough that Spike felt the pull of his inhalations.

“Mmmm, no one smells like you. ” Angelus slammed his against the table suddenly and started to undo the top of his jeans, “And no one feels like you either, you were right about that. ”

Something inside Spike snapped and he started to struggle. Instead of instructing the minions to move in, Angelus seemed to enjoy this. They landed on the floor hard with Angelus on top.

Spike noted in disgust that the old git was really getting off on this.

During their struggle across the stone floor, Spike earned himself several deep gauges on the side of his bared hip from uneven spots and Angelus failed to notice where they had ended up.

Which was right in front of the Slayer. Whose feet happened to be free. One deadly accurate kick with enough force to actually lift Angelus' hips off Spike completely and the threat of rape was all but eliminated.

Buffy was shaking with rage; she looked down at Angelus' penis, now very flaccid and snorted in disgust, “Now I know why you kept your bedroom so dark. ”

Angelus glared up at her in game face with a snarl, “So you just want to skip ahead to the big finish then? Fine by me! ” He got up and quickly donned his pants and motioning to the minions, he hefted a still struggling Spike off the floor and over to a large object covered by a blanket.

One minion held each arm as Angelus whipped the blanket off with flourish.

A massive wooden cross stood towering over them and Angelus grinned, “You want to play the martyr, Spike? You want to be one of the good guys? Why don't we go all the way? ”

As the minions dragged Spike over and lifted him up, Angelus pulled out a sledgehammer and several heavy iron nails.

* * *

Oh, God, oh God, oh God, was all Buffy could think as the first nail was positioned over Spike's wrist. This couldn't be happening. Her state of disbelief was shattered when it was pounded home. Spike let out a yelp and Buffy felt it run through her.

* * *

Spike had learned years ago, that most images of Christ on the cross were inaccurate. Nails pounded through the palms of one's hands wouldn't support the weight of the body because they'd tear right through.

Trust Angelus to know something like this as well.

His wrists burned, the power of the Gem was trying to heal them but it couldn't get past the heavy metal spikes in his wrists.

Then came the nail through his feet.

The pain, strangely enough, was not focused on the pierced body parts, rather it radiated through him.

Angelus stood before him and pulled out a ring of thorns and placed it on his head where it would dig into his scalp.

“We may as well do the whole shebang? Shouldn't we, William. ”

The crucified vampire choked something out and Angelus leaned closer to hear.

“It's SPIKE you bloody git. ”

Angelus jerked back and picked up the spear, driving it into Spike's left side he snarled, “Let's see how much of a git I can be. ”

* * *

Spike hung on the cross, his shirt had been torn away during the nailing and his pants were tattered. He was barefoot because his boots had been taken off so his feet could be impaled. He was bleeding heavily and only semi-conscious. The surface of the cross continuously burned the skin of the vampire's back. The feeling was somehow beyond agony.

Angelus had ripped the Gem of Amarra from its place deep within Spike's torso and he now gripped it feeling it's power. The minor surgery had not been gentle by any means.

Once Angelus was certain Spike had been beaten almost to the point of submission, he decided to drive the point home.

“Now, Spiky, I was going to be generous and turn a few of your little friends along with your pet Slayer, but I don't think you deserve a little present. ”

Angelus yanked Willow up and, unchained her from the wall. Tara let out a cry when he lover left her side but Willow was silent and trembling.

He changed into game face and looked up at his errant childe, “I think I'll kill this one instead. And every time I hear anything even resembling disrespect come out of that filthy mouth of yours, I'll kill another one. ”

Spike Looked up blearily, the blood was running into his eyes creating a red haze in his vision. Willow.

She was helpless, looking up at him with wide, terror-filled eyes and he was powerless to help her.

* * *

Giles was watching Spike through this entire exchange and noticed him cast his gaze upward. The slumped, blood-covered vampire whispered something then, Giles felt he needed to know what it was.

The chaos that followed only confirmed this need.

* * *

Buffy watched the cross shatter suddenly, dusting several minions with slivers of wood.

Spike landed on the ground, on his feet.

Buffy blinked in shock, he was still covered in blood but the wounds had healed. Even the gaping wound where the Gem had been extracted was free of blemishes.

Angelus had released his hold on Willow in his surprise, staring at his childe, stunned.

Spike looked down at his wrists. They looked like they hadn't been touched.

He looked up at his grandsire, who actually took a full step back at the hatred in the younger vampire's gaze.

Spike shifted into game face and charged.

* * *

Spike and Angelus hit the floor like they had scarcely an hour before, but this time, Spike was on top and lost in a blood rage.

Angelus made an effort to hold onto the Gem, hoping it's healing powers might at least be able to minimize the damage, but Spike blows fell too quickly to it to heal.

Spike slammed his grandsire's wrist onto the stone hard enough to hear bones crack and the Gem went skittering across the floor.

Tara reached out weakly and gripped it in one pale hand.

Angelus saw his last chance and he grabbed one of the heavy curtains that covered the picture window and pulled it down over himself.

Spike kneeled, bathed in the bright dawn and waited for his end.

But nothing happened.

Instead of smoking, burning flesh, he was simply treated to the pleasant warmth he'd become accustomed to with the Gem.

His gaze flew to where he'd seen Tara picking up the Gem. She opened her palm and showed him the green stone.

Spike looked back at the rising sun in awe.

Then he looked down at a covered Angelus and beat him into unconsciousness.

Standing still a bit shakily, he pulled the keys to the manticles off Angelus' belt and started unlocking everyone.

The other minions had fled when the crucifix had broken and they were alone in the room.

No one said anything at first because they were all in a shell-shocked state.

Giles finally staggered forward, “When you were on the cross, when he had Willow, you said something. Then the cross shattered. What did you say? ”

Giles had his suspicions of what had occurred but it seemed absolutely impossible. It had never been done and it could never be done. It was an old story.

Spike stared down at the sunlight on his forearm.

“Spike, please. This is important. ” Giles attempted to clean his glasses but one of the lenses was missing.

Buffy leaned against Spike in relief, waiting to hear his answer.

“I said- “ He began, his voice raspy from all the screaming, “I said 'Heaven help me.' ”

Giles let out a wheezing breath and just stared at the vampire, who was lit from behind by the rising sun, “Well it looks like they were listening. ”

* * *

“Giles, what does this mean? What happened back there? ” Buffy was hugging herself, watching Willow prepare the spell to re-ensoul Angel. Part of her wanted to stop the whole thing a reduced him to a dusty cloud.

Actually, most of her wanted to that.

“The oldest covenant ever recorded was between God and Satan. When Lucifer Morningstar and his followers fell from Heaven, they knew that the way back in was by laying their pride aside and asking for help and forgiveness. All demons descend from these lines and it was a time before man was even an idea.

It was said that if a demon was prepared to make a sacrifice, prepared to lay aside everything and kneel before God in service, that all his sins would be forgiven. ” Giles looked over at Spike who stood avoiding the chained figure of his grandsire and standing in a shaft of sun, “And he would be redeemed in the eyes of God. ”

Buffy stared at Spike from her place at Giles' side, “And this happened to Spike? ”

“I can't think of any other explanation. But, Buffy, you must understand that this has never happened before. It isn't in the nature of demons to be submissive to anyone, let alone a power they've been at war with since the beginning of time. ”

Buffy kept staring at Spike, who looked like he was no longer in the room in his mind, at least.

Little did she know he was actually somewhere else entirely.

45.

Spike was seated on the bench he and Buffy had made their own and watching the sunrise. This would not have been unusual, except that he'd been in a dingy, blood-splattered room in the mansion on Crawford Street just seconds before.

“You hear it now, don't you? ” A female voice asked as a woman sat down beside him.

“Hear what, love? ” Spike asked, trying not to appear startled at his sudden teleportation.

“The Music of the Dawn. ”

It struck Spike suddenly, the beautiful thing that made his eyes water that he'd been hearing since Angelus had pulled the curtain away. It was music. It was the most beautiful music he had ever heard and so far removed from anything ever composed on earth that he did not identify it as such.

He stared back at the rising sun blinking rapidly to clear his eyes, “What is it exactly? ”

“The sound of creation, of life. You can hear it now. ”

Spike turned and studied the woman next to him. She had long curly brown hair and olive skin. Her face was very attractive, but not what he would call beautiful.

A sudden awareness hit him then, his definition of perfection was biased, it had nothing to do with true beauty. For him, Buffy was true beauty.

Spike had always had a level of self-awareness but this exceeded even his own expectations.

The woman smiled, she seemed to know exactly what he was thinking.

“What happened to me? ” He asked, knowing she would know the answer.

“The Watcher told the Slayer and you overheard him. You enacted the oldest covenant for the very first time. All your sins have been forgiven and you have been granted a new path. ”

“God forgave me? ” Spike asked incredulously.

“Yes, I did. ”

Spike froze because the truth of her words was unquestionable. Spike knew at that moment he was looking into the face of his creator. He knew she was responsible for everything that was just as he had known he was tied to Drusilla the second he'd clawed his way out of his grave.

“Um, no offense, but- “

“Why am I a woman? ” God laughed and Spike felt quite sheepish, “Come on now, Spike. Part of you always knew. You worship women far too much to ever fall for that old line. It was always one of my favourite things about you. ”

“You know me- I mean of course you know me, you know everything. I mean you have a favourite thing? ” Spike felt himself relaxing despite his initial nervousness.

“Of course I have favourite things about you. You were always one of my favourites. When you were human you were pure beyond reason and when you were turned you made things very interesting. ”

“But, I'm evil! Er, I was evil. How can you like me? Or forgive me for that matter? ” Spike looked her full in the face and was amazed when all his doubts were wiped away.

“Can you define evil to me, William? Or good for that matter? You can't, really, because neither of them really exists as tangible things. Everything is about balance and you've always had more than your share of that. Do you think vampires would exist if they were not intended to? ”

Spike scratched his head where the blood was still drying, “But that would mean that everyone I killed was meant to die that way. ”

“Exactly. The human race is rapidly exceeded eight billion. Would you refer to disease as evil? How about forces of nature? Both were also intended by me to exist in the world. Everything is just about balance. All that has happened is that you have shifted which side you balance out. The Slayer is a balancing tool chosen by the Powers that work for me for the very same reason. ”

Spike felt annoyed that his lover was referred to as a tool but his negative emotions were stripped away with the understanding in her eyes.

“Why do I understand? ” he asked finally.

“Because you are meant to. In exchange for what you have done I have given you abilities you will need to continue to fight at the Slayer's side. You are a vampire and that cannot be changed because it would disturb the order of the universe and because it would make you less than what I need you to be. ”

“What do you need me to be? ” he wasn't sure how he felt about this.

“What you need to do is beyond man. Occasionally bad things need to be done for good reasons. Men are not strong enough. You have ceased to be merely a vampire, however. I've made you a vessel of me on earth. It has been a very long time since I've done this, it's really only been once before. ”

Spike avoided the mention of what that comment brought to mind, mostly because he figured his knowledge would prove to be as false as his knowledge of a male God. He remained silent and listened to her explanation.

“ All that I have given you will not become evident right away, you need time to adjust. But I have something I need to ask you right now. First, you must know how long I've been waiting for someone like you. You have validated a few things I had begun to doubt. ”

“You doubt? ” Spike asked, stunned.

God smiled, “Occasionally. Second, you need to understand you will not be penalized for whatever you decide. You have earned everything I have given you and it will never be taken away. ”

“O.K, you're starting to make me nervous now, love. ” Spike smiled a bit hesitantly, “Can we skip ahead to the question? ”

“You have a choice. The first is that you fight alongside your Buffy Summers until her death and join her in Heaven afterward for the rest of eternity. ”

“Sounds mighty fine to me. ” Spike nodded, knowing full well he'd never dared hope for such a thing otherwise.

“The second is that you continue on after her death, fighting alongside those that need someone like you just as much as she did. Either way, you join her in paradise. ”

“When do I get to come up there in the second choice? ” Spike asked.

“When the world ends. ”

“Oh. ” Spike fell silent, the enormity of his decision hitting him all that once. Part of him wanted to be selfish, say that the prophecies and nobility belonged to Peaches. Well, it did when he had a soul anyway.

But another part of him had learned more than he knew in his time with Tara, Buffy and the Scoobies.

He had learned first with Tara, that she was worth saving. He loved her and she was human. He didn't think it was possible for him after how he had suffered in society when he had been alive. He came to death's embrace hating humanity.

At first, Tara had been the only exception to the rule. Then he met Willow and discovered he liked her and wanted her around. Then he met Anya and Xander and Joyce and felt the same way. Then his feelings changed about Buffy. In the end, he loved six people and was actually coming to like the Watcher.

Which made him realize that these six people could not be the only people worth loving in the entire world.

Somewhere out there, after Buffy was gone, another little girl just like her would be facing monsters.

She might not have a Watcher as competent as Giles.

She most likely would not have friends as loyal as Buffy's Scooby gang.

Somewhere out there, there was a child that would need him when the time came.

And that's when Spike made his decision.

He didn't even need to voice it out loud. God smiled, “I knew you would. Remember, you are never alone. I don't converse with many beings, Spike. But I'll always be listening to you. Never hesitate to ask when you need to. ”

And just as suddenly as he had left, he was standing by the window in the mansion, listening to the music of creation.

He looked around and noticed that no one knew he had gone anywhere.

* * *

Spike absently watched Willow and Tara assemble spell components and knew their hearts were not in it. But they did it because they felt they needed to.

They were casting the curse with its original intention of revenge, even if they were not aware of it.

Spike marveled at his knowledge of everyone's motivations.

He glanced over and focused on the Watcher, who was very concerned with getting a strong drink and researching the first covenant the moment he returned home.

Buffy wanted very much to go to him but was still ashamed of her own failure to protect him fully. Spike went over to her immediately and enveloped her into a warm hug, “It wasn't your fault, petal. You didn't know and you couldn't have done anything more. ”

Buffy let a few tears fall as she watched Willow and Tara make circles of sand.

* * *

Once Buffy was calm, Spike looked over at Anya. She was standing as far away from where Xander was sitting as possible.

Xander had yet to speak to anyone, he had rebuffed Anya's attempts at comfort.

No one approached him. Not because they didn't want desperately to make him feel better, but because they didn't know how.

Anya was very worried about Xander and she was very angry with him at the same time. She kept running vengeance spells she wanted cast against Angelus through her head and people she could call to do them.

Spike walked over to where Xander sat, not needing his need empathetic ability to know exactly how he was feeling.

Spike said nothing and he just sat down on the floor next to him, close enough for their shoulders and legs to touch and just was simply there.

46.

Tara picked up Spike's duster from the table and wrapped herself in it, cutting off the chill from the damp room and getting surrounded in his familiar scent. She looked over to where Willow was throwing together spell components with a concentrated displeasure.

The spell was advanced enough to keep Willow's interest, but Willow wanted to do the spell even less than she did if that were possible.

Spike had beaten Angelus thoroughly and he had remained unconscious throughout their preparations so far. Tara glanced over at the shaded corner he was chained in with a grimace. A very large part of her wanted to see him dust.

But she remembered Angel's earnest expression when he professed to be earning his redemption and sighed. It wasn't fair. Sometimes having a soft heart was just far too much work.

It least this way he wouldn't be getting an easy way out.

Tara had thought of a spell to nail that damn soul into place permanently. Then he could take it and go far away from her family and suffer on his own time.

She walked over to where Spike and Xander were seated and curled up on Spike's other side, “I really tried, Spike. I just couldn't get anything to stay. No matter what spell I did, the magic just flitted away. ”

Spike knew she was near tears and wrapped one arm around her. He could feel how tired she was. He could tell she was still coming off the tranquilizers and was feeling the burn out, “It's not your fault, pet. I knew you were trying. I thought that cross business was you until after. Lay your head down and have a bit of a kip. Red looks like she has everything in hand for now. ”

Tara lay down in his lap obediently, realizing that was exactly what she had wanted and hadn't even thought of it.

* * *

Xander looked down at Tara, blankly. Spike was stroking her hair and crooning a 3 Doors Down song.

“Whoa, whoa, can't let you go my little girl because you're holding up my world and I need you. It's your imitation of my walk and the perfect way you talk, and its a million different things … ”

He knew the song and absently mouthed the words as he looked around the room. Buffy and Giles were discussing Spike and Spike didn't even seem to be listening. Willow was glaring down at the sand circles she was constructing, ignoring everyone else.

Anya had gone home in a huff. He wasn't sure how long ago that was. All he was aware of was that Angelus was still not dust.

Spike hadn't driven a stake through his twisted little heart. He hadn't set him on fire. He hadn't taken one of the Scottish broadswords off the wall and cut on his smarmy, hateful head.

But Spike was not to blame. Spike did whatever Buffy wanted. Buffy was in charge of the dusting of evil, or rather the not dusting, and obviously Buffy wanted Angel or Angelus or whoever still around.

Even after what he had done. How could she?

Xander glowered at the slumped figure in the corner. Spike was a solid presence against his side and he was grateful for it. Spike was the only one who had any idea of how he felt. Spike had more reasons to hate Angelus than even he did.

So Xander focused all his anger on the vampire in the corner because he couldn't hate Buffy.

* * *

The soul was restored and anchored and a very remorseful Angel was sent packing by a very pissed Buffy.

Spike carried Tara up to bed and Willow followed behind.

“I wanted to kill him, you know. ” Willow said, softly so she wouldn't wake her sleeping lover.

“I think everyone wanted to kill him, Red. ” Spike said just as softly, laying Tara down and covering her over with the quilts.

“But that isn't like me. I wanted to do some of the spells I've read about. The nasty one's. I could make parts fall off. ” Willow's voice was dark and Spike felt a chill go through him at the power in the small girl. When the spell had been going on, Spike discovered that he could see magic. He could see how it worked and connect it to the casters.

Willow thrummed with power and when she cast the curse it had been edged in black. Spike felt a shiver of apprehension for the future if Willow was mislead through the murky labyrinth of the mystical arts.

He laid his hand on the small of her back and guided her back downstairs, “Let's go get a cuppa and talk this out, pet. ”

* * *

Giles was feverishly making notes at the kitchen table and Buffy was watching him with glazed eyes. Spike smiled and snapped his fingers in front of her face making her jump, “Why don't you pack it off to bed, love? I'll be up in a bit. ”

Buffy sighed, “I guess it's only a matter of time before I end up face first in Tara's fern. ” She gestured to the centerpiece on the kitchen table, “I'll go upstairs and drool all over your pillow. ” She smiled tiredly and sleepily went up stairs.

“Fancy a cuppa, Rupert? ” Spike busied himself with the kettle as a stone-faced Willow sat down.

“Oh, Lord yes. ” Giles rubbed his eyes and put down his pen.

Putting three mugs on the table he slipped one Orange Pekoe bag in the one intended for the Watcher and gave himself and Willow chamomile.

The kitchen was silent as Spike sat down, setting the cups in the appropriate places.

Willow took a sip and smiled, “Tara gives me chamomile all the time. With milk and honey just like this, how did you know? ”

“That's how she makes mine. We're kind of alike, you and me. Sometimes we get carried away and leap before we look. Chamomile calms us down enough to talk about it. ” Spike sipped his and waited for the reaction his words would garner.

Willow looked down into her mug, “I know what I'm doing. I've read all the books. I know it's not like me, what I said, but I didn't DO anything. ”

“No, you didn't and that's good. Pet, I've lived a bit longer than you. I've been dead longer than Giles' great grandfather. I've seen some pretty scary things in my time and most of them have to do with magic. There's nothing wrong with the stuff on its own, it's what you use it for. Now I'm not criticizing you for the thoughts you've been having. Don't think for a second I haven't thought the same things. The difference is you can make it happen and from what I've seen, sometimes you have a problem with making things you want happen no matter what. ”

Giles put his glasses back on, suddenly very interested in what was being said, “Are you saying- “

Spike held up his hand, “I'm not finished yet. It's not that I care what happens to the old bastard, not really and not anymore. I do care what happens to you. Surely whoever thought you your first spells told you about the rule Times Three? ”

Willow was riveted, staring at him, she bit her lip, “No one taught me, really. I just picked it up mostly on my own. ”

Spike shook his head, “Someone with you ability should be schooled properly. Anyway, whatever you put out comes back to you times three. When you do magic with the intent to do real harm, when you put out something dark, something dark takes a piece of you right back. ”

Willow looked down and picked at her cup.

“It has consequences, love. Real, dangerous consequences. ”

She nodded finally, “I know. I don't think I've been very careful. When I cast the spell to de-rat Amy, someone could have been hurt with that fire. ”

“It's not mistakes, pet. Everyone makes mistakes and you didn't mean to hurt anyone there. You know what happened to that gypsy witch that cursed Angelus the first time? ”

Willow shook her head, wide-eyed.

“She went mad. That's what they said but that's not what happened. That was a big curse and she wanted to hurt him bad. And he did deserve it but the magic doesn't care. Her mind was gone and her body was eaten up be whatever had taken it over. Darla had me track her so she could get her revenge but there was nothing we could do that was worse then how she was. ”

“I did that curse twice! ” Willow said sounding quite alarmed.

“ It's not the same thing because you didn't mean to hurt him the first time. It's the second I'm worried about because you only started having these dark thoughts when you were readying the magic, didn't you? ”

She nodded and Spike could tell he had hit a nerve. Giles didn't blink once throughout the conversation and kept looking back and forth between them like he was watching a tennis match.

“I think you should take a little break. You should stick to doing magic with Tara for a while, if you ever want to be set straight, you go listen to Tara. There isn't a lick of real darkness in her. ” Spike smiled reassuringly, “I should get on up to Buffy. I think she wants to talk things over if she's still awake. ”

Giles watched the vampire- or Holy Vampire- or whatever he was now, exit and switched his focus on the young witch, “I think it's time you and I had a little study session. Spike is right, a witch as powerful as yourself should not go without instruction. ”

* * *

Spike paused in the doorway and watched his girl sleep. Buffy was sprawled out over as much of the large bed as she could possibly take up. Every blanket on the thing was wrapped around her and she was, in fact, drooling a bit on his pillow.

He loved her.

He loved her so much.

Stripping as he entered the room, he slipped onto the mattress carefully so he didn't wake her and lay in the narrow space he was permitted. He watched her face, relaxed in sleep and he could tell she was dreaming. He wondered if it was a happy dream.

Her mouth was open and she was breathing heavily. He bent forward and kissed her eyelids, she muttered, “Just pay her already it's all she wants! Don't fall out of the boat! ”

He grinned and felt tears come to his eyes, however was he supposed to go on after he was gone?

But he thought of that child that needed a friend to guard her back and the child after that and the one after that.

And he knew that he could not think of the future at all. He couldn't count the days wondering when this wonderful girl would die, dreading the sunrise because it brought him one day nearer to losing her. In that way led madness. It led to unhappiness.

What he needed to do was live every second with her like nothing would ever change and live it like she would be torn away in moments at the same time.

He needed to live like he didn't know there would be a time where she would not be there.

He wrapped himself around her and buried his face in her hair, she hadn't showered since they had gotten home so it smelled like her, not the lemon-vanilla conditioner she used.

Buffy woke then, “Oh! Oh! You're up! I mean, you're up here! I have to tell you something. I've been meaning to tell you for a while but I just kept stopping and when I almost lost you last night I realized I can't not tell you anymore! ”

Spike smiled at her rambling, “I love you. ”

Buffy jaw dropped, “You cheater! That's what I was going to say! I wanted to say it first! ”

She was about to pout and then what he had actually said penetrated her exhausted brain, “You love me? I love you, you stupid vampire! And your not allowed to be tortured anymore. That's the new rule. ”

“I thought the new rule was not to use the same knife in the peanut butter as the one used in the jelly. ”

“O.K, so this is the new- new rule. ” Buffy kissed the scar of his throat, “I love you. ”

“I love you more. ”

“No. I'm the Slayer and I always win. I love you more. ”

“I love you infinity. ”

“I love you infinity plus one. ”

“I love you infinity, times infinity, times infinity more infinities. ”

“You so skipped a few steps there. ”

47.

Spike slipped out of bed early, Buffy was dead to the whole and the house was silent. He peeked in on Tara and Willow, still feeling paranoid about not realizing their absence yesterday meant something.

They slept peacefully, curled up together like kittens.

He headed downstairs for a shower and was surprised but not displeased to find a slumbering Xander on the couch, Comedy Central playing quietly on the big screen T.V. Xander had gone home immediately when they had left the mansion but he did have a key to the house. He must have come over the night before.

Spike continued on to the bathroom.

He turned the shower up as high as it would go and enjoyed the spray pounding down over his body. He loved bathing. He took baths as well, though not as frequently. Tara found him bath products at her favourite store that didn't smell too girly.

He shampooed and conditioned and scrubbed himself down with the sea salt soap Tara also provided. He rinsed off, humming The Ramones 'I Want to be Sedated ”, and turned off the water.

When he pulled back a curtain, a figure loomed in the foggy mirror. Spike let out a yelp and slipped, landing with a painful smack on the tile.

Buffy burst through the door seconds later, wielding a very large hurling axe. Xander, Tara and Willow were right behind, avoiding said axe as the Slayer was still waking up.

Xander immediately shielded his eyes, “AAAhhh! What is it? What happened? And for God's sake cover up! ”

Spike rubbed the back of his head and tugged a fluffy purple towel off the rack to preserve what was left of his modesty. He pointed shakily into the mirror, “That thing's possessed! There's no one else here! ”

Buffy put down the axe and looked into the mirror. Then she looked back at Spike and then back into the mirror. The fog was clearing with the breeze from the open bathroom door and figure became obvious, “Spike! That's you! That's your reflection. ”

Everyone copied her, staring into the mirror with fascination.

Spike got up and approached the glass. After regarding himself for a few seconds, he remarked, “I have blue eyes. I'd forgotten. ”

Tara smiled and put an arm around him, “How long has it been since you've seen yourself? ”

Spike thought for a second, Dru had been afraid of cameras. Angelus had had family portraits done once when he was first turned, “A while. ”

He studied his features and his mouth twisted in disgust. He had forgotten how he looked. The ridiculous cheekbones hadn't gone away, of course. His lips still looked girlish and his eyelashes were still too long. He 'd forgotten how much he'd hated his own face. He smudged the remaining fog over the image and turned away, vowing to avoid his brand new reflection as much as possible, “How about breakfast, then? Since everyone's up? ”

* * *

Buffy watched Spike exit in shock. He just got his reflection back for the first time in like a hundred years and he was all, “How about breakfast? ”

Buffy had considered what she would do without the ability to examine her appearance and decided she would be worrying constantly if she had jam on her face or something. What if everyone was laughing at her hair and she had no idea? How did Spike even do his hair for all those years when he'd had it bleached and slicked back?

He didn't seem all that impressed, though. Buffy snorted, probably because he never needed to worry about his looks, he always looked perfect, stupid vampires and their perfect vampire skin. No pimples, no black heads, no wrinkle worries, no dark circles or bags under their eyes, must really be tough. Buffy wondered how Drusilla plucked her eyebrows. She must have had Spike do it for her. Buffy was willing to bet Drusilla had caterpillars on her forehead by now.

She didn't like thinking about Drusilla and Spike so she turned that part of her brain off and sat down at the island in the kitchen with Willow and Tara. Xander was pulling out the Cocoa Puffs box and eating the cereal dry in handfuls. Spike came back downstairs in jeans, shirtless and barefoot, “Have you seen my red sweater? ”

“I think it's drying on the rack in the laundry room but it might still be wet. ” Tara answered pulling a cookie out of the jar and munching.

Spike went to check and came back in a foul mood and stomped upstairs to find another shirt.

“What's his major malfunction? ” Xander asked around a mouthful of chocolate cereal.

* * *

Spike passed the hall mirror on the way to his bedroom. He glanced in it.

That was a mistake.

He paused in front of it and ran his fingers down one arm. What did he have to be so skinny? He could almost close his hand over the thickest part of his upper arm.

All these insecurities had been forgotten for so long, they came back in full force.

He lifted his arms over his head and he could count his ribs. He shifted his pants down and he could see his hipbones.

And he was short. Xander and even Giles towered over him.

Admittedly, in the time he was born, he was actually tall compared to a lot of other men in his time period. But in this one, he was a shrimp.

And Buffy liked her men big.

He thought of Angel and the man she'd stared at in the yoga class, even that weird T.A that had accosted them on the bench. What did she even see in him?

He glared at his reflection. He wished he'd never seen it. Then he could have gone on in happy ignorance.

He vowed then and there to be what Buffy liked. He'd get one of those gym memberships and start taking supplements. There had to a way in this day and age. He didn't have to be a little rat of a thing forever. He didn't realize he was using Angelus' words.

He twisted away from the mirror and went to find a shirt. He wasn't going to be wandering around without one until he had something to show off.

* * *

When Spike came back down, he was wearing a huge faded hoodie with The Clash logo on it. Buffy raised one eyebrow. O.K.

Spike made a beeline for the fridge and heated up an extra large mug of blood.

“Do you want some pancakes, sweetie? ” Tara asked from the stove, sensing he was upset about something.

Spike, aware that she was worrying needlessly, shook his head, “No, love, I'll have some eggs. ” Spike strove to keep the strain out of his voice. There wasn't anything for them to worry about. He was going to fix this.

He put the stove on and filled a pot.

“O.K. ” Tara remarked watching him start to boil half a dozen eggs, “Wow, you must be hungry. ”

* * *

When everyone left, Xander for work, the girls for class, Spike started putting his plan into action.

He spent three hours at the gym, mimicking the largest bodybuilders. When he noticed one of them measuring his biceps with tape, Spike decided this was the best way to measure his progress.

He bought one when he visited GNC along with a bevy of protein and other muscle building mixtures and supplements. He also bought a notebook to record everything so he wouldn't slip up.

When he got home, he mixed up a foul tasting protein shake, plugged his nose and drank it down.

He then went upstairs and carefully measured every part of his body and recorded the numbers. Then he stood on the bathroom scale and glowered at the numbers. One hundred and sixty pounds. That was it.

That meant he only outweighed Tara by twenty-five pounds. He only outweighed Buffy by not all that much more, forty pounds maybe fifty? He didn't know but she was a lot thinner than she had been when he had first come to Sunnydale.

He vowed to bring those numbers up.

* * *

The Scoobies were having a movie night in an effort to distress from the Angelus situation and from finals that were rapidly approaching.

They'd chosen horror movies to mock rather than trying to find something meaningful and deep to concentrate on.

Buffy had chosen the one playing now, it was Pitch Black and it was thoroughly bad.

But Spike was tuned in to Buffy comments about Vin Diesel's bulging pectorals more than the plot.

She confused him. He picked up nothing but affection towards him from her. But she liked actors like this. So she was willing to love him despite how he looked. His heart pulsed with love right back. He had to make himself better for her. She deserved better.

48.

(Author's Note: For people who wanted to know where all this body stuff came from, it's just me trying to illustrate that change has consequence. I've read fic where Spike gets his reflection back in one way or another and that's just it. Now I know human nature and I'm pretty sure vampire nature isn't far behind, and this would have a pretty big effect on how you see yourself. Spike didn't really react to the other changes he's seen so far because they weren't very far from the mark of what he had with the gem. He was invulnerable for months, etc, etc. He didn't really react to the empathic thing because he was always pretty perceptive and this was just cranking it up a notch. But something that affects his self-image would really hit Spike hard, mostly because he is pretty insecure about certain aspects already. So that's where it all came from, if you wondering.)

Spike wiped away tears of frustration. Crying like some whiney girl's blouse was just disgusting.

He glowered at the scale. One week. An entire week had gone by. He'd tried so damn hard. He lived at the gym. He drank down all that supplement sewage. He ate nothing but blood and protein.

One hundred and sixty pounds. The number mocked him and the needle refused to budge under the violent contempt he had for it.

Buffy walked into the bathroom and jumped, “Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here. Er, what are you doing? ”

Spike got off the scale quickly. He didn't want her to know how little he weighed. He gingerly kicked it under the sink, “Nothing, love. Having a break from studying, then? ”

Buffy smiled sheepishly and shifted a bit, “Well, it's kind of a necessary break … ”

Spike raised his eyebrows and smirked, “I'll just get out of your way then. ”

Buffy looked at the floor, her face turning red. The minute he was out the door she shut it and bolted for the toilet.

While peeing, Buffy bent down to look under the sink. Spike had been acting oddly lately. She, Tara, and Willow had been caught up with school finals and thoroughly tired and distracted. They hadn't even really talked to Xander about what had happened. Buffy's mind skittered away from that subject; she just wasn't ready to deal with it yet.

But he'd been doing strange things. He had actually gone out and bought three more of those huge black hoodies. One with the Sex Pistol's 'God Save the Queen' union jack on it, one with The Ramones, and another with the Dead Kennedys ' Too Drunk to Fuck' image from the album cover.

He wore them all the time now.

And he had started wearing pajamas to bed.

Now, it wasn't that he had never worn them before, he had several sets and quite a variety of sleep pants as a result of living with Tara and of having the Scoobies over so often now.

But he was even wearing them when they were in bed alone together when before he had just slept naked.

Buffy was starting to miss his skin.

She'd been too preoccupied and exhausted from the workload to get up to much of their usual activities.

Well, they were down to once a day anyhow, Buffy considered that a serious decrease.

But even when they got it on, he was already under the covers by the time she turned around, or he stripped in the dark.

What was going on with him?

Buffy flushed and exited the bathroom, she walked determinedly to the bedroom she considered 'theirs' and shut the door behind her. Good, he was downstairs.

She remembered him scribbling in a notebook covering it covertly when she had come in. She had a strong suspicion where it might be. Getting down on her hands and knees, Buffy fished around under the bed.

Pulling out a bunny slipper, she rolled her eyes and tossed it in the direction of the closet to join its mate. That's where it had gone.

She found two lip glosses, one bottle of Sunrise Sensation nail polish, a leopard print thong, her missing tank top emblazoned with a popsicle print, last month's Cosmopolitan magazine, some gum, the psych notes she'd been looking for this morning, and finally Spike's plain black notebook.

She felt a bit guilty invading his privacy but it wasn't like he was all with the talking about himself lately.

She opened the first page.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tara was looking for a jar to hold spell ingredients and was rooting through a little used shelf where she was keeping containers she was planning on using to make jam that spring.

When her searching hands encountered the large plastic bottle she pulled it out.

What the Hell?

It was a very large bottle of protein supplement. She opened it, sniffed and winced. She looked back into the cupboard and found a bottle of creatine and several other various weight-gain powders.

Her mind refused to process this at first. Who would-?

And of course, logic supplied the answer and Tara felt like crying.

It made perfect, twisted, sad sense. Everyone had body issues but they dealt with them in very small amounts when they looked in the mirror every day.

Spike hadn't thought much about himself physically in years, he just got a huge dose of self-image problems all at once. Why hadn't she thought of this? Why hadn't she been talking to him about it and helping him deal with the big changes he had gone through in a very short period of time?

They hadn't even helped Xander after his Angelus' experience. Tara felt horribly guilty about that but Xander was only really a friend by-proxy, she didn't know him that well and it wasn't her place to bring things like this up. If it were Spike that was another story entirely. She and Spike hadn't already talked about everything after it happened.

But she hadn't even noticed this.

She looked towards the living room where Spike and Xander were watching television and thought about all the times Spike had told her she was pretty.

It was really all the time. Every time she wore a new outfit, she was 'gorgeous.' Whenever she wore something revealing and felt self-conscious he told her she was 'lush'. Sometimes for no reason at all she'd been standing in a patch of sunlight and Spike would comment on how beautiful she looked.

He did the same thing with Buffy, Tara couldn't count how many times she'd heard Spike voice his hearty approval of her looks, her hair, her clothes, her everything.

Even Willow and occasionally Anya were complimented.

She tried hard to remember if she'd ever told Spike he looked good.

She couldn't think of a single instance.

* * *

Buffy stared at the pages, flipping through them without comprehension. Arms: twelve inches. Waist: 26 inches. Thighs: 18 inches. It went on to catalogue every nearly every body part.

What was this?

Was he measuring himself over and over? Eight days were carefully dated and marked out. All the measurements were the same. Buffy began to wonder if Spike might be going insane under their very noses.

Then she flipped towards the back of the book. Three pictures of Vin Diesel were pasted there along with a recording of the actor's own measurements.

Buffy got a very sick feeling. Oh God.

She put the notebook under her arm and quietly walked down the stairs. She met Tara in the kitchen. She was seated on the floor surrounded by supplement bottles.

Buffy took one look and sat down beside her.

Tara licked her lips, “Do you ever tell Spike that you like how he looks? Did you ever say anything about his body? ”

Buffy looked a bit dazed. She concentrated hard. Spike whispered words of worship about every part of her. He talked about her vagina as if it were the Holy Grail.

She thought about her own words. They were mostly encouragement for whatever he was doing.

She loved his body, she thought about it whenever it was in reach and even when it wasn't. She'd wasted many an English class daydreaming about his chest.

But she'd never opened her mouth and said that she thought he was hot. She never said she thought his skin was too perfect to be real, or that he had the best stomach she had ever seen, or that she loved to watch him walk away just to check out the rear view.

Thinking back it seemed ridiculous to be so shy about something that would make someone else feel good.

She shook her head sadly.

She remembered now going on about Vin Diesel's stupid bulky form and felt horrible. She didn't want Vin Diesel.

She followed Tara gaze towards the living room and putting the notebook on the table she walked over to the doorway. Tara followed her and they both stood, looking in at Xander, who was becoming a permanent fixture, sprawled on the couch.

Spike, who otherwise would have been right beside him in a similar position, was curled up in an armchair, enshrouded in one of those damn hoodies. Buffy was starting to hate the damn things. She missed his tight cotton t-shirts.

She walked over to the armchair and perched on the edge. Spike looked up from 'Invader Zim' to smile at her. His smile looked strained and Buffy felt a tug on her heart. She slipped down to the space he left and was pleased to find they both fit comfortably.

Spike did not look so pleased. He kept glancing at the small space they took up. Buffy felt like crying. Why did he think he had to be bigger?

She wrapped an arm around his waist and felt him tense and forcibly relax himself. She laid her head on his shoulder and he immediately shifted so she could move in closer.

When the cartoon was over, Xander stretched and went in search of food. Buffy prepared herself.

“Spike, you know I love you, don't you? ”

Spike blinked at her in surprise, “Um, yeah. I love you, too. ”

Buffy didn't really know how to go on. Tara fortunately came to her rescue.

“Spike, I found some things in the kitchen that I'm really worried about. ”

Buffy felt Spike go stiff as a board.

Tara continued, “If you're trying to improve yourself for some reason, maybe you don't feel on your game or you think you can help Buffy more if you're even fitter, then I wouldn't worry about it. But I don't think that's what you're doing. ”

Buffy finally found her cue, “You're a total hottie you have to know that. ”

Tara winced but let a small smile escape, “I'm sorry we've never given you any positive reinforcement about your body. And I really should have realized that seeing yourself again would have consequences. Can you maybe tell use some things you've been thinking about that might help use understand what the problem is? ”

Spike had been staring blankly at a commercial for car insurance but snapped out of it with Tara's question. He seemed to be thinking it over.

Spike was used to talking about his feelings, you couldn't live with Tara and avoid it. But these were so private and they just ate away at him. He worried voicing them would make them all worse.

But they were listening and maybe they could help him find out what was really wrong with him. Maybe Tara knew a spell or something.

“I'm just trying to get a bit bigger. I've always been too skinny, I just never really thought about until now. ” Spike picked at the frayed string of his Ramones Hoodie.

“You're feeling this way now because of the big change that seeing yourself in the mirror every day brings. It must be overwhelming to have all these negative thoughts all at once. But I don't think you're too skinny. I think you're just right for your body type. Do you remember how I always used to think that I was fat? ”

“You're not fat, pet! You're just perfect! ” Spike protested heatedly, looking her in the eye finally.

“See? You see me more objectively than I do. I still have those thoughts every once in a while, especially since I'm the biggest girl in our group, but I can manage it and your support helps. ”

Buffy swallowed, she didn't realize Tara felt that way. The girl couldn't be bigger than a size six. Buffy finally spoke up, “Did you think I wanted you bigger? ”

Spike glanced at her from the corner of his eye, “That's how you like them, isn't it? Peaches, and that bloke from yoga, and the Teacher's Bitch from the bench. ”

“First of all, I'm am SO over Angel it isn't even funny. And Angel's size had nothing to do with why I liked him in the first place. Second of all, what guy from yoga? I'm not even going to dignify the Riley comment with a response. ”

“That bloke you were staring at that had you so heated- “ Spike broke off here, figuring he's just given up way too much information.

Buffy's jaw dropped, “You think I was all hot for that Neanderthal? I was totally scoping out you in those yoga pants that should be illegal. ”

It was Spike's turn to drop his jaw, before he could begin to formulate a response, Tara chimed in again, “Spike, this isn't all of it, is it? It's not just how skinny you think you are. ” Tara asked, thinking about the morning he had smudge out his own image in the fog of the bathroom mirror.

Spike closed his mouth and sat back in the chair. The whole bloody lot had to be aired out then.

“ I just forgot how stupid my face was, alright? ”

Buffy and Tara stared at his without comprehension.

Spike rolled his eyes, “Oh, come on. These fucking ridiculous cheeks? My girly, big mouth? My teeth aren't straight either, I'd forgot about them. I've got girly eyes, too. I don't look at all like a man is supposed to. ”

“Are you on crack? You'd tell me if it was crack, right? Is it crack? ” Buffy asked, finally finding her voice.

Spike blinked at her, “It's not crack. It's reality. ”

“I would beg to differ. ” Buffy cupped his face, “I LOVE your face! People would kill for this face. People probably have killed for this face, Drusilla springs to mind. ”

“Spike, remember what I said about not being objective. You have a beautiful face, and as you happen to be man, I'm quite sure this is how you're supposed to look. ” Tara sat down on armrest on Spike's other side and kissed his forehead, “And I've always envied your eyelashes. It's such a waste really, to have them on a man. ”

Spike smiled slightly, but it looked a lot less strained, “You're welcome to them, pet. ”

Xander came in at that moment, “So what's going on, it looks like GNC threw up on your kitchen floor. Oooh! Dexter's Lab! Never mind. ”

49.

Tara watched Spike carefully over the next few days. He had started limiting his time at the gym considerably. She still couldn't believe she hadn't noticed he'd been spending six hours a day there.

She and Buffy had first requested he quit cold turkey but he insisted he was getting stronger. This was something he'd apparently never given much thought to. His strength was considerable, but he'd never deliberately built it up before and he was now feeling serious results.

Tara hoped it would be all right and wouldn't encourage the disorder she was worried his was developing. Tara paid attention in psychology class and they had covered Body Dimorphic Disorder and EDNOS and she thought of Spike now when she reread her notes.

They had cover Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, too, and she often thought of Xander when she studied that.

Xander was over almost constantly now. Tara didn't mind at all, he was good humored and he'd help out if asked. And she thought he needed to get away from the situation at home. But he was displaying a clingy, almost childish attachment to Buffy and even more so to Spike.

Spike didn't seem to be bothered. He was spending a lot of time with Xander lately, even more than before.

They watched television, went surfing, played video games, and even had pick-up games of basketball on the campus courts while they were waiting for classes to let out.

But they didn't talk about anything significant. Tara listened to the conversations they had and they were typical male conversations and often completely ridiculous.

Tara had found them arguing for forty-five minutes over whether astronauts or cavemen would win a fight.

She'd listened to them bicker and find disgusting jokes funny. She'd listened to an entire argument over which of them was gayer.

But they never brought up the mansion, or Angelus at all.

They were sprawled on the sofa eating Cheetos and watching South Park at the moment.

Tara was fresh from her last exam and feeling beyond relieved. She sat on the armchair and watched the antics on screen. She even laughed a few times, though not at the fat jokes.

When Xander got up to get a drink, she finally asked, “Have you talked about what happened last week with Xander? ”

Spike looked up, this interrupting good commercials was becoming a habit, “No. ”

“Don't you think you should? ”

“No. If he wants to talk I'm here. He hasn't said anything so I'm not going to. ” Spike picked up the remote and flicked through the channels to pass the time.

Tara was stumped, “But don't you think he needs to talk about it? ”

Spike put down the remote, “I thought about how I felt when it was me. I just wanted to forget everything. I didn't want anyone to know or to talk. Sometimes talking about it just makes it worse. ”

Tara was about to comment further but Xander came back in with two cans of soda.

“Oh, sorry. Did you want one, Tara? ”

Tara shook her head mutely, mind whirling.

* * *

Buffy practically skipped out of her English final. The last one! She wouldn't have to write another exam until … April.

Her mood darkened just a bit.

But she spotted Willow and Tara cheering on the grass at the basketball court and picked up her pace.

She couldn't let them out cheer her, after all. It was her boyfriend and she was the one who had made the squad in High School.

Well, auxiliary anyway.

She dropped her book one the grass and sat down.

“Hey, Buffy. How did English go? ” Willow looked back from the action in front to ask.

“Fine. The essay question was a breeze but I think I missed a few short answer. ” Buffy returned her own attention to the court.

It was a friendly game, Spike was moving at a quarter speed of what Buffy knew he was capable of and he kept letting Xander get a hold of the ball.

“GO Spike! ” Buffy called out, wishing she had her pompoms. It figured, now that there was something worth cheering on, they were buried in her mother's basement next to her finger paintings.

Spike turned to give her a grin and sent the ball through the hoop with a relaxed flick of the wrist.

Xander gave up, “That's it I'm beat. ” He strolled over to the girls, “I should have known better than to challenge someone who doesn't need to breathe. ” He puffed.

Spike dribbled the ball looking a bit put out. Buffy leapt up, “My turn. Now that you're all warmed up for me. Let's see what you've got. ”

The game got considerably faster.

Buffy was having the time of her life, it wasn't often she didn't have to hold back with someone.

It was a game of Twenty-One and it was intense. They were neck and neck the entire time. Buffy dodged and faked, she dribbled and weaved.

And at the end, “Twenty-One! I win! ” Buffy crowed.

Then she froze, realizing what she had just done. She had just beaten her boyfriend in front of everyone. Admittedly it had been a very narrow margin of victory, but still.

She looked over at Spike to find him grinning from ear to ear. He leaned in for a kiss.

She relaxed against him. He didn't care. She had won and he wasn't threatened by it.

The kiss deepened, Buffy felt the now familiar buzz that signaled the special kind of arousal that Spike stirred within her. The uncontrollable kind. The overwhelming kind. The I-forget-my-name kind.

The loud throat clearing from their left made them part, reluctantly. Buffy blinked at Riley Finn and his friends in surprise.

“We were wondering if you might want to move your little make-out session off the court so the people who are here to play can have a turn. ”

Buffy flushed and stuttered an apology but the T.A's face was unfriendly and almost accusing. Buffy was still in an exploratory phase of her sexuality and uncomfortable with the public nature of this confrontation.

She walked quickly off the court and Spike moved to follow her, rolling his eyes at the entire situation. Once upon a time he would have ripped the wanker throat out for much less than interrupting he and his girl. But Buffy didn't want to shut the twit down so he couldn't either.

When he heard what the git muttered to his friends he reconsidered that thought completely.

Well, 'reconsidered' an exaggeration. Spike didn't stop to think at all.

He had the larger man pinned to the pole so fast his friends didn't have time to shout a warning.

He grasped Riley's throat with one hand and lifted him a full foot off the ground, “WHAT DID YOU SAY? ”

Buffy was there, pulling at his arm, so he let the bastard's feet touch the ground, “Spike! What are you doing? ”

“Why don't you repeat what you said? Word for word. ”

Riley muttered something, wanting to be anywhere but here. It was one thing to be humiliated in front of his friends like this, but he was actually really regretting what he had said in the first place.

“SO SHE CAN HEAR YOU! ” Spike snarled.

Xander, Willow and Tara were now flanking them. Riley's friends were trying to get in closer but Buffy shoved them back almost absently.

“I said- I said she was a slut. She was with Parker not that long ago now she's with- with you. ” Riley's voice was strained from the strangling but it nearly failed him completely when he saw Buffy's face.

It was one of disbelief and then he saw tears shining in her eyes.

What would his mother say if she knew what he had been saying about a girl? He'd been upset to begin with. The Initiative was over. The destruction of the labs was so extensive there would be no funding to rebuild them. Everyone in the unit was being sent off to other projects. Riley himself would be in Belize in a week's time. It was a demotion, really.

Seeing Buffy kissing someone else was just the icing on the cake and he'd said something horrible in the heat of the moment.

* * *

Buffy felt cold all over. Every little insecurity she'd ever had was suddenly out there. He thought she was a slut.

Buffy didn't know how much she loved sex until Spike and she thought about it all the time. It was really excessive. She had wondered if Spike would think she was dirty if he knew how much she wanted it and how often.

This man saw her as dirty. Nice girls didn't sleep around. Nice girls didn't REALLY want sex that much. They were just clean and smelled good and kept their legs closed so tight they had to be pried open.

But Spike was enraged on her behalf; he encouraged every thing she wanted to do. He told her she was a hell of a woman, any man's dream, so responsive and free. He said he loved that about her.

Buffy thought about the word 'slut' and she made what she thought was a mature, reasonable response.

She broke the bastard's nose.

* * *

“Buffy! ” Willow cried, wincing at the gush of blood from the man still being supported by the pole. Buffy wasn't supposed to hit people! Demons and vampires yes, but not people!

Well, except Willie. And Faith.

And there were a few in High School now that she thought about it.

And Riley was a big jerk.

Willow had been thinking up a few good hexes for him anyway. Maybe it was best Buffy dealt with it herself.

* * *

Buffy was still fuming the whole way home, “How dare he? I mean, he doesn't even know me! And hello, I've slept with three guys my entire life! Three guys so isn't enough to make me a slut, is it? ”

She didn't pause long enough to given them time to respond, “And who invented that horrible word anyway? Why is it that guys can sleep around willy nilly and they're just players. A girl has sex a few times and she's like a whore! How many women have you slept with Spike? It must be like a hundred. ”

This time she seemed to want an answer, Spike swallowed, this was never good, “Women? Um, Dru, Darla, Akasha, Julia, and you. Five, pet. ”

Buffy stopped then, “Five? That's it? And you're how old? You've only slept with five people in a hundred and twenty-six years! I've slept with more than half of that and I'm only nineteen! Men, I mean, not women. God, maybe I am a big 'ho. ”

Spike rolled his eyes, “Well, I've slept with three of them in less than a year so if anyone's getting points for sluttishness I'm up on you. And you aren't a slut, love. There isn't any such thing. It's just a disgusting word someone came up with to keep women in their place. ”

Tara smiled, “Someone remembers everything they learned from The Vagina Monologues. ”

Buffy's head snapped back to her boyfriend, “You went to The Vagina Monologues? I haven't even gone. ”

“It was a bloody good show, love. We should take you next time there's one in L.A. ”

Tara grinned, “Yeah, Spike was really into it. When we were coming out of the theater he told me he had vagina-envy. ”

Everyone laughed and the tension went down considerably.

“What? I bloody do! They're a hell of a lot better than this thing! ” He gestured to his crotch, “Now I'm up, now I'm down. Give me the slightest kick and you'll spend an hour rolling on the ground in agony. What? You need to go write something on the chalkboard for the teacher? Here's a bloody huge boner then for absolutely no reason. ”

Buffy almost fell down laughing.

“And they all look more or less the same. I've never seen two vaginas that looked alike. They're like snowflakes. But prettier. ” Buffy managed to get control of herself and gave him a kiss to shut him up.

“We get it Spike. You aren't a leg man- “

“*I* have bloody legs, why would I be attracted to them? ”

Buffy continued, “Or a breast man- “

“Well, not that they aren't lovely. ”

“You're a vagina man all the way. I think it's the first time I've ever met one and I'm glad you're all mine. ”

50.

(Author's Note: It really helps if you've read the Sandman in this chapter, but if you haven't: There are seven beings in existence that are the manifestation of certain concepts. Dream (who is featured here) Destiny, Destruction, Despair, Death, Delirium, and Desire. They all have realms and operate in them. The reason I had Spike visit the Sandman was to illustrate to him and to the reader that he must break outside the comfortable little world he had been living in because the future will be fraught with such necessity. He will visit other places in this story and it's sequel, not all of them will be as friendly, but Spike is becoming much more than what he has been and with power comes responsibility.)

Spike fell asleep that night not expecting anything odd to happen. It was a normal enough night in December. He and Buffy had just shagged each other senseless, like any other night. It was chilly so afterward they had donned pajamas and dug out Spike's electric blanket.

Maybe it was the heat of that. Or possibly Spike black flannel Rolling Stones sleep wear with the huge lips all over it from the Sticky Fingers album cover.

In any case, Spike had the weirdest night.

He woke up standing in a field by a trickling stream still clad in his pajamas.

But he knew this place. He'd read about this place.

Fiddler's Green.

He was dreaming about the Sandman. What's more, he was dreaming about The Dreaming.

A tall, cloaked figure was beside him then.

“Allow me to introduce myself, Vessel of the Maker, I am Morph- “

“Morpheus, I know. The Dream King, the Prince of Stories, you have many names. ” Spike interrupted, starting to feel strangely like he should take charge before his dreams did.

“Ah, you have read the works of the Prophet Gaiman. ” Morpheus nodded sagely.

“Prophet? I knew it! I knew no one was that good! ” Spike muttered to himself, feeling a bit vindicated. Then something occurred to him, “Er, I'm not dreaming, am I? ”

“Of course you are. You wouldn't be in my realm otherwise and I wouldn't have this opportunity to greet you formally. ”

“No, I know I'm asleep. I meant that all that he wrote about must be real then, the Endless and all that. And you aren't fooling anyone, you just wanted to be first and no one's died, gone crazy, gotten suicidal and depressed, met a fate, destroyed a city, or been driven by lust around me just yet. ” Spike arched one eyebrow, completely aware of the being's intentions.

Morpheus looked a bit startled, “Er, well. That is true. I'd like to show you my realm. You are considered a most honored guest in most places at the moment. ”

Spike smirked, “I can think of a few I'll never be welcome. ”

* * *

Spike met Cain and Abel, he strolled through a thousand dreams with the Sandman at his side, chatting with him and the raven, Matthew.

He visited Buffy's dream. It was an odd one. She and him were trapped in a Dollhouse and they had to stop having sex in order to get out but they couldn't seem to manage it.

Eventually they just realized they we happier in the Dollhouse than out of it and just stopped trying.

He had a feeling Morpheus could tell him how this new world he had found himself in worked exactly and he vowed to find out on future visits.

But he knew Morpheus would know nothing about his future, or his new changes. Spike suspected that no one but She would.

Regardless, when questioned, the Dream King offered to take him to his brother Destiny's realm in the near future to see if it was written up in that book of his.

* * *

“Farewell, Spike. I will see you soon. I would imagine you'll have the opportunity to meet the rest of my family before long. ” Morpheus laid one hand on his shoulder.

Spike smirked a bit nervously, “If it's all the same to you, I'd rather it be later rather than sooner. You're the all right sort, but I'd prefer it too be a good long while before I have to run into any of your sisters because of what's going on back home. ”

Morpheus thought about Death, Despair, and Delirium in the context of one who lives among mortals and winced in sympathy, “Yes, I would imagine you would. In any case, I met you first. ”

Spike was certain the being had winked at him as he was waking up.

* * *

Spike immediately turned to Buffy, eager to tell her the truth about their favourite graphic novel series. She was just waking up and stretching adorably.

All at once, he realized she wouldn't believe him. She would want to, even convince herself that she did. But she wouldn't really.

And it was the same feeling he got when he felt the urge to tell her about his conversation with God.

He felt terribly alone just then. There was an entire aspect of his existence that he couldn't share with her, or Tara, or any of the others, because it was beyond them.

Even the Slayer was a mortal girl, albeit one chosen by the Powers. She did not converse with the Creator of the Universe because they had nothing to discuss. She had not changed, her goodness remained constant. She would die one day and move on to Paradise like any other good mortal.

But he was different.

Spike looked her, biting his lip. She sent him a warm sleepy smile and he felt his concerns dissolve.

What did it matter that he couldn't tell her of God or the Endless? She was here in his arms right now happy to see him.

And she had dreamed of him for Heaven's sakes. He felt flattered.

He kissed her full on the mouth and she broke away squealing and giggling, “Ew! No, I have morning breath! You can't kiss me until I brush my teeth! ”

Spike took that as a challenge and game of Kiss the Stinky Slayer began.

* * *

Willow was worried about Xander.

He was acting more or less like himself. He'd make inane comments and tell stupid jokes.

But he wouldn't sleep anywhere but on Spike and Tara's couch. Willow heard him coming in every night.

She had tried to talk to him about what happened at the mansion exactly once, just afterward.

He jerked back and snapped him mouth shut and looked at her like she had betrayed him. Willow got the message.

He didn't want to talk.

But she knew he needed to, which was the purpose for the spell she was casting in the unused dorm room that was still under she and Buffy's names.

Spike had said magic must never be used to harm because there would be dire consequences and he had succeeded in planting that fear firmly in Willow's mind.

But she was helping now, right?

Willow had spent precious studying hours finding the perfect spell to help Xander and now that finals were over it was time to put it in place.

It was a spell of loquaciousness. It would enable the one it was cast over to speak their innermost thoughts.

Willow planned to cast it in the early hours while Xander slept, then she would make it home in time to here the words he needed to say and to break the spell right after.

No one would be hurt, and what needed to be said would be said.

What could go wrong?

51.

Spike and Buffy were rather rudely interrupted but a sharp pounding at the door.

“Buffy! Spike! I've uncovered a few new aspects of Spike's exchange. They're only theories but I think they may prove true. ”

Buffy pulled herself reluctantly from Spike's arms and glanced at the clock radio she'd brought over from the dorm. Dear God. Giles was wailing about books at six in the morning.

“Coming, Giles! ” Buffy called out, getting up to dress and dragging Spike with her.

Unfortunately, Giles assumed she had said 'come in' and did promptly that.

The shriek Buffy let out made Spike's sensitive ears rang for ten minutes afterward. Giles rapid departure and muttered apologies were lost among Buffy's desperate grab for the bedclothes to cover her nude form.

Spike sighed because he had the strangest feeling this day was not going to improve.

* * *

They found a red faced Giles sipping tea in the kitchen with a squinty-eyed, barely awake Tara.

Xander was seated at the table with his head resting on it. He had been loudly woken up by the ruckus upstairs but was resisting it.

Giles cleared his throat, still avoiding their eyes, “Yes, well, now that we're all up- “

“I'm not up. I refuse to be up. You can't make me be up. ” Xander muttered his voice muffled where table met lips.

“Now that we're all up. ” Giles continued pulling out a flask, “We can commence with a little test I've read about. Spike, come here please. ”

Spike blinked at him, this couldn't be good. He moved closer when Buffy poked him.

Giles reached out and grasped the vampire's arm, he held open flask just over the bare skin, “This is consecrated wine, commonly used in Communion. ”

Giles tipped the flask, pouring it onto the bare arm. As the wine touched Spike's skin it thickened and darkened. Everyone leaned closer and even Xander raised his head.

Spike's nostrils flared, “Blood. ”

Giles sat back with a jolt, eyes wide. He had been researching Spike's experience for days, he had written this possibility out in his journals. This should not be possible. This was beyond magic, beyond reason. This was the first true example of divine presence ever witnessed by a Watcher.

“The Blood of Christ. ” Giles huffed out. Nothing had prepared him for it.

Tara swallowed, “Does this mean if he touches the Communion bread … you know 'the Body' part? ”

Buffy raised her hand, eyes still focused on her boyfriend's now bloody arm, “I vote we don't test that one. ”

* * *

After cleaning up, Spike helped Tara with breakfast, considerably less staggered than everyone else.

As he was carefully removing Buffy's chocolate chip waffle from the iron, Willow came bursting in.

“Xander! Oh, hi everybody, what are you all doing up? ” Willow hemmed and hawed, wiping her hands on her jeans.

Spike didn't glance up, “We got a little wake up call from Rupes here. ”

Willow licked her lips, “Hey Giles, are you writing down something important? ”

A dismissive wave was her only answer as Giles continued to scribble at a rapid pace.

“Guess so. So Xander are you feeling chatty? ”

Spike looked up finally, after placing Buffy breakfast in front of her. Something shimmered around Willow, slick like oil in a pond.

His nostrils flared for the second time, a familiar whiff of incense and brimstone flickered past his nose. Magic.

His eyes narrowed and he concentrated on the frustrated looking witch. She was hiding something.

He opened his mouth to call her on it when Tara fainted next to the stove. Vampire reflexes caught her before she hit any of the burners. He lifted her up and was about to carry her to the sofa, when he noticed everyone else in the room was out cold as well.

* * *

Spike had never felt panic like this. He had only ever focused his caring on one person. Now he cared about quite a few and most of them were just not responding when he shook them, shouted at them, pleaded with them to get up.

He was just about to take God's words to heart and plead with Heaven to help him again, when Buffy's eyelids flickered. He bent close, “Buffy love. Please wake up, petal. ”

Buffy let out a groan. A similar sound came from Tara on the couch and Spike felt his body sag with relief.

Giles opened his eyes, “What the devil hit me? I know it wasn't the sherry. Half a bottle doesn't even get me tipsy anymore. ”

Spike raised his eyebrows at the Watcher's comment but didn't move from Buffy's side as she finally roused as well, “Mmmm, Spike. We've never done it in the kitchen you know. I have this fantasy where we're baking cookies and you put the cookie dough between my legs and- “

Spike covered her mouth, stunned, “Er, Buffy love, we aren't alone. ”

Buffy looked around and let out a put upon sigh, “Why are they always here? We could do it in so many places if we were home along more. We could do it on the sofa and we could do it in the shower. We could even do it on the dryer while it's going, I bet that would feel good! ”

Spike stared at her, half horrified and half awestruck, “Why the bloody Hell don't you say these things when we are alone? ”

Before Buffy could answer, Willow broke in, “I'm so tired of hearing about your love life, Buffy. Do you think just because you're the Slayer that makes it's so much more worthy of our time? Why don't you ever want to talk about mine and Tara's relationship, huh? ”

Spike's head swiveled to stare at the redheaded witch, his jaw still hadn't closed since Buffy's last remark.

“Will you both shut up! My head is killing me. Quite frankly I'm quite sick of hearing about everyone else's love lives period. I don't have any to speak of, why don't we ever talk about that? ” Giles crossed his arms and glowered.

“Sometimes I think about Spike naked. And I think about Buffy naked. And then about them being naked together. I don't know which one turns me on more. I think I might be bisexual. I really hope not because I can't get along with men. Except for Spike, and he's in a relationship with Buffy. Unless we could have a threesome. I'd really like to have a threesome. I get along with Giles, too, sometimes. But I don't think I want to see him naked, I bet he's really wrinkly. ” Xander said randomly, making Spike want to burst his own eardrums just so he didn't have to hear anymore.

Tara staggered in from the living room, “God, don't you people have homes? I love you and all but what I wouldn't do just to have my house and my best friend to myself for a day. ”

Spike blinked, “That was a lot of information in less than two minutes. ”

52.

(Author's Note: Because someone asked. The Gaimanesque bit seems random and strange because to Spike it IS random and strange. He knows the reason WHY Morpheus wished to speak with him right away … he wanted to be first to establish a relationship with the new 'Jesus-figure'. But Spike doesn't realize the implications of this yet. He will start to get inklings in this story and be smacked upside the head with the full reality in the sequel. I'm not going to tell you want the realities are, of course, but I think you can guess. The reason I called Gaiman a prophet (and I really don't think it's similar to what's been done in the series. I don't think the author ever mentioned himself in the series) was because he's already been mentioned in an earlier chapter as an established person. But, I have to tell you, Lynn, I have no freaking clue what you're talking about when you mention the 'Chattering Order'. Did I sleep through that bit? Was it Buffy or Gaiman? And I 'd like to take this opportunity to thank all my reviewers! I love you all!)

At that moment the doorbell rang. Spike got up to answer it more as an excuse to escape the room than anything else.

“Anya? ” Spike raised an eyebrow. The ex-demon had been absent for the past week.

“I'm here to see Xander. ” Anya said as she stomped determinedly past him.

“Now might not be the best time- “ Spike began, but she was already in the kitchen.

“Oh, great, Anya's here. What horribly inappropriate thing does she have to say today? Is Xander's penis too small? Did you two have sex in a public place recently? Does Xander enjoy being spanked with gym socks stuffed with meat? ” Willow snarked, making everyone react in one way or another.

“Willow! Don't ever say my penis is small again, for any reason! And don't talk like that about Anya! ” Xander sputtered.

“God, meat-spanking? That's not true, is it Xander? We're never spanking with meat, Spike. Though the public place might be fun! ” Buffy sent him a wide grin.

Spike attempted to remain calm.

“Don't you people have anything to drink around here? God, I think I'm completely sober. Must be the first time in weeks. It's bloody awful. ” Giles got up and started searching through the cupboards.

Spike rolled his eyes. Right, AA for the Watcher first thing once they figured out what the Hell was going on.

No one else even noticed Giles.

“She's not really your girlfriend, Xander. You just use each other to get off. I mean, how can you have a relationship with her? She's like a child! ” Willow continued.

“I am in no way child-like! And I'm not using Xander! Xander, why is Willow talking like this? ” Anya demanded.

“What, talking like you? ” Buffy said with a smirk, “It's not a nice feeling is it? To have all that bluntness in your face like that. ”

“God! All you people ever do is WHINE! Whine, whine whine. ” Tara threw open the liquor cabinet and thrust a bottle of Spike's rum into Giles waiting grasp, “Whine! ”

Spike tried a little harder to be calm. Getting a word in edgewise was clearly not going to happen.

“Pour me a finger or two while you're at it. ” Tara told Giles, getting out some glasses.

Spike wanted very much to drink too, despite the heinously early hour. But he figured as the only one apparently sane, he might want to also be sober.

“You know what I think about a lot, ” Buffy spoke up suddenly, ignoring Willow, Xander and Anya's bickering, “Anal sex. ”

Spike gave up entirely on calm and focused on not doing anything to embarrass himself.

Tara swallowed some rum mixed with grapefruit juice and turned to Giles, “Why are we all acting like this? It's like I just can't stop saying things! ”

Giles had started drinking the rum like it owed him money, “Why the Hell does everyone come running to me for answers? I'm not Ward Fucking Cleaver! I'm nobody's sodding father! ”

Anya, Xander and Willow had reached new volumes, threatening Spike's hearing for the second time that morning.

“I'm not using Anya to get off! I think I might love her! ” Xander burst out.

The room got quiet for a few seconds.

“You love me, Xander? ” Anya asked, looking downright misty.

“Yes. But it scares the living daylights out of me! How can I take care of you when I can't even take care of my self! ” Xander rubbed his face vigorously, “He tried to rape me. ” Xander turned angry eyes to Buffy, “And you let him go! After everything he did, you just shoved a soul back up his ass and let him go on his merry way. ”

Buffy blinked, “I-I- “

“No, don't tell me you're sorry! You were the whole reason he was ever here in the first place. You let Angelus out the first time and you let him go when he came back all souled up and you went and you did it again! ”

“I AM sorry, Xander. I don't know why I did that. ” Buffy looked near tears.

Spike wanted to open his mouth and tell her why. He knew why. But she wouldn't understand.

The precious Powers That Be were the reason. They had marked Angel as their special gopher and he had to remain whole, no matter what he did in any incarnation. Buffy had been chosen by these same Powers, they must have implanted the idea that Angel must live in her head.

Spike knew this now and he didn't know how or why he knew this.

“I don't care why, I only care that you did it. ” Xander dropped his gaze to the table, “Why am I saying all this? ”

“Because I put a spell on you that made you say whatever you were thinking about. ” Willow said suddenly and promptly slapped a hand over her own mouth.

The room erupted and Spike found himself making his way upstairs.

Once he entered his bedroom, he calmly crawled into bed and covered himself completely. He used a pillow to block out the yelling from downstairs.

He was simply going back to sleep. He would wake up and maybe this would all go away. He never should have got out of bed this morning.

Spike was beyond confused. He spent his entire existence focused on a single person, first his mother, then Dru, then Tara. Now, he cared for Buffy, Xander, Willow, Anya, and even Giles as well. Now that they were all fighting, he didn't know who to side with. This was the first time this had ever happened to him.

He closed his eyes tight and started humming loudly.

* * *

Buffy noticed Spike's absence quickly and went to find him, leaving an irate Xander and a sobbing Willow to scream themselves out.

She found him, burrowed under the covers humming 'Heart of Glass' by Blondie of all things.

She slipped into bed and wrapped her arms around him, “I miss you when you leave the room. Sometimes I don't know how I can possibly love anyone as much as I love you. ”

Spike pulled the pillow away from his ears in surprise, “Love, you heard about the spell, right? Maybe you don't want to go talking about things you don't want to say. ”

“I want to say this. I should have said this more. Sometimes you're all I think about and I think about sex every two minutes. I never thought about sex this much before. I think it's because the sex is so fantastic. ” Buffy straddled him then, thrusting her pelvis against his. Two very thin layers of fabric separated them and the erection Spike had had since Buffy brought up anal sex hardened a bit more.

Buffy stripped off her t-shirt and started easing the pajama pants down her hips, “It should be a law that guys as hot as you should have to go shirtless all the time. ” She toyed with Spike's nipples and started pulling down his pants.

Spike pulled himself out of his stupor to lift his hips to help her.

“Though, then everyone else would get to see you, too. No, I think I like you with the shirt in public. ” Buffy raised herself to position Spike beneath her and lowered herself down on him.

They groaned in unison.

“I love how you feel inside me. Sometimes I think you were made for me. ” Buffy began to rock forward and back.

Spike simply stared up at her in awe.

“The anal sex thing, I meant it. You know how, right? Can we try it? ” Buffy bent low to rub their chest together and press kiss on his throat.

Spike flapped his mouth a few times before words could get out, “Y-Yeah, I know how, love. We need to get some things, though, lube and condoms and such- Oh, God Buffy! Don't stop! ”

Buffy was clenching all those lovely Slayer muscles down on his as she felt her own orgasm approach. This was a trick she had learned by accident just the week before.

Spike thrust up helplessly against her.

“And we should try the dryer thing the next time we're home alone- ” Buffy continued, but broke off as her system was racked with a furious climax.

Spike followed shortly after gasping out her name.

“You say my name like a prayer. ” Buffy commented, wrapping her legs around him to keep them connected as she slid them over so they were laying sideways, “I love how beautiful you make me feel. I don't tell you how beautiful you are, though. I think it all the time but I never say it. ”

Spike tried to fathom something to say and came up short. That had been happening a lot today.

53.

“Do you think I should have staked Angel? ” Buffy asked quietly, her head was pillowed on his chest.

“I think it was your decision and you made it. ” Spike answered cryptically, “You followed your gut and made a choice and it's over. We can't debate it, it's done. ”

“Xander hates me. Xander should hate me. You should hate me. I didn't kill him for you either. ” Buffy's voice sounded dead and Spike didn't like that at all.

“Now, love, I promise if I want someone dead or dust I'll do it myself. I won't have anyone do it for me. I could never hate you, I could never even dislike you a little bit and neither could any of your mates. Xander needs some time, he'll move on eventually. I did. ” Spike said calmly.

“We should go back down, the screaming stopped. ” Buffy remarked, getting up and searching for her pajamas. “Sometimes I question every little choice I make and I never think I make the right one. Not completely anyway. ”

Spike knew this bit was more of the spell talking, “ You make choices I wouldn't wish on anyone and you do what everyone does, you do your best. That's all anyone can ask of you. As long as the Poof's souled up, he's fighting the good fight in L.A and doing some good. As much as it pains me to say, maybe he's better off not burning in Hell for all eternity. ”

Buffy smiled and opened the door.

“At least for now. ” Spike muttered.

* * *

The screaming had stopped. Xander was cloistered on the couch determinedly watching television and keeping his mouth tightly closed. Willow was quietly crying while attempting to bake cookies through the tears.

Anya was sitting next to Xander in silence.

Tara and Giles were beyond tipsy they were in the full classification of drunk.

Spike was now wondering if their telling commentary was now based on the spell, or on the alcohol.

Willow started babbling into the oven, “I always screw it up! No matter how hard I try it's all gets ruined! Spike told me not to hurt anyone with magic and I didn't! I was trying to help! ”

“You-you were controlling people with magic, it's the same thing! ” Tara said unsteadily, swigging from the bottle again.

Spike deftly took the bottle away, “That's enough, pet. It's ten o'clock in the morning and you've already had enough. ”

“You used to let me get drunk when-whenever I wanted! ” Tara protested.

“Yes, and how often was that? ” Spike looked in his liquor cabinet despairingly. How had they managed to get everything he liked? The only thing left was sambucca and, Spike shuddered at this, Crème de Menthe.

“See I just didn't take advantage. I got drunk for the first time with him, you know? ” Tara informed a swaying Giles, “And I got stoned for the first time with him. He's responsible for all my debauchery. Thank God! Do you know how much my life sucked in Mississippi? ”

Giles just burped in response and Buffy covered her face, “I am not seeing this. I am not seeing this. I'm totally uncomfortable with seeing Giles as a human being with human flaws. ”

Spike shook his head at the lot of them, “How the reversal spell going, Red? ”

Willow put down the cookie dough and started a fresh wave of tears, “I don't know! I don't know how to fix it! It was only supposed to affect Xander and I screwed it up it got everyone but you for some reason. And now Tara and Giles are all with the booze and I don't know what to do! ”

Spike felt his heart soften and went over to give her a pat on the back. He found himself with an armful of sobbing Wicca, “There, there, pidge, it'll all work out. We'll sober them up by this afternoon and we'll find a way out of this. ”

“I hate it when you touch girls that aren't me. ” Buffy said suddenly, “I just want to just up and rip them to pieces. ”

Both Willow and Spike stared at her and separated carefully.

* * *

After a great deal of coffee and a shower for each, Tara and Giles were feeling a bit embarrassed about their actions and set about creating a reversal spell.

Willow had made five different kinds of guilt cookies. Spike munched on a ginger snap and tried hard not to listen to Anya and Xander's conversation in the next room.

“I think it's ready. Actually, I know it's ready but I don't want anyone to think I'm too confident about my abilities. ” Tara remarked.

“I really hope this isn't going to become a habit, but I think Willow will continue to do these things in the future, regardless of what we say. ” Giles added setting the last candle in the circle of sand.

This almost started a fresh bout of tears from Willow but Spike gave her a firm look, “No more of that. You've said you're sorry. Now prove him wrong and don't let it happen again. ”

“Why do you have to talk to her so much? Come over here and talk to me! ” Buffy demanded suddenly.

Spike moved over quickly and stood beside her, watching the blonde witch and the Watcher perform the ritual. He was there to catch Buffy as she fell unconscious for the second time that day.

This time he didn't have reason to panic he simply went around making everyone comfortable until they awoke.

* * *

“I'm curious as to why the spell did not affect you, Spike. Do you think magic as a whole will not be able to touch you at all now, or do you think it was just because the spell was not directly specifically at you? ” Giles asked, drinking another cup of coffee, still a bit shame faced. His notebook was open in front of him, turned to a fresh page and ready to record this new event.

Tara answered for him, “I think it's a bit of both. We've done calming rituals together and Spike responds even better than before. Spike's always had some magical talent, but the demon probably makes it hard to control. When I feel it go through him now, it's much more stable. I think spells with only work on him if they are directed at him and they don't intend harm. We tried a small hex and it didn't work at all, it just washed right over. ”

“Fascinating. ” Giles scribbled into the notebook.

“So, are we going to talk about your little drinking problem, Rupes, or are you just going continue until your liver fails and you have no contact with the outside world. ” Buffy sat down next to Spike and gave Giles her no nonsense face.

Giles put down the pen and sighed, “I've just been feeling rather useless since the Ascension. My library's gone, I thought being a man of leisure might be a nice break, but I'm bored out of my mind. ”

“The Slaying research isn't enough? ” Buffy asked feeling horrible for not noticing her Watcher's downward spiral.

“Not really, no. Though these recent events regarding Spike have certainly kept me occupied. ” Giles remarked, staring down at the lined pages.

“Well, you're totally in charge of that now! ” Buffy folded her arms, “We're going back to your apartment and we're pouring out every drop of alcoholy goodness and you are on the straight and narrow, mister. We totally need you! All this stuff with Spike, someone has to figure it all out. ”

Spike already knew most of what they were trying to suss out, but opted to keep that quiet, if it kept the Watcher sober then it could only be good. And there were things about the new developments that Giles might enlighten him on.

He wondered briefly, if he should mention his encounter with the Dream King but dismissed the idea. Giles might assume it had all been a dream; he might scoff at Spike's assertion that it had happened for a reason. The Watcher would never think he was important enough to warrant such attention.

Truth be told, Spike himself didn't think he was important enough for that.

* * *

Tara and Willow had gone to bed, Buffy wanted a bit of space to absorb what she had revealed that day so she patrolled alone. Before she left, she said she thought what had been said needed to be said, she was just nervous about having actually said it.

Anya had gone home promising to return the next day to talk to Xander.

So that left Xander and Spike alone in the house. Spike entered the living room with snacks and drinks like he always did, like nothing at all had changed.

He sat down on the other end of the couch and felt Xander looking at him while trying not to look like he was looking at him.

He knew what the boy was afraid of he could feel it pouring off him in waves.

He was afraid Spike would be angry about the comments he had made. Angry about the sexual nature of them and about how that sounded considering what they had both escaped a little more than a week before.

He was worried Spike would never be comfortable around him again.

“Just so you know, Harris, my ass is exclusively Buffy's from now until forever. ” Spike remarked casually and watched Xander choke on popcorn. He patted him on the back helpfully.

“I-I didn't mean- I just- I'm just confused and- “ Xander suddenly started laughing hysterically and he couldn't stop. The laughter gave way to sobbing shortly after and Spike found his arms unexpectedly full for the second time that day.

Once Xander had calmed down considerably and even the hitching breaths slowed, Spike decided to try to explain things as best he knew how.

“I know and I get it. None of what happened was your fault, you know. Angelus didn't choose you because he picked up on any weird vibes you were letting off. He didn't choose you because you were going to be a substitute me, even though he made it seem that way when I showed up. He chose you because he knew it would destroy you like it did me, like it does everyone. Rape is not something you ever get over, not really. He knew that even if you escaped before getting eaten you'd never be the same. You'd never look at men the same again. You'd be afraid all the time, everyone would be suspect and you'd never sleep the same, or eat the same. ”

“Is that what happened to you? ” Xander asked quietly, his voice steady despite the rapid heartbeat Spike could hear.

“I was already ruined, mate. Angelus wasn't the first, even though he thinks he was and he'll never know. It would give him way to much power over me. I already hated humanity when I was turned, Xander, I had good reason but it wasn't very hard to just kill them after the things they'd done to me. ” Spike's voice took on an accent that was more reminiscent of Giles than Spike's usual North London lilt.

Xander had a feeling Spike did not want to talk about who was the first to do those things to him, so he opted to just move on, “I never thanked you for what you did. ”

“It's all right, mate. Better me than you. We'll save your virgin ass for Anya, I'm sure she knows her way around a strap-on. ” Spike said with a grin.

Xander just stared at him, wide-eyed, “A what? ”

54.

It could not be said that Christmas came without further incident, because such a saying in the world of the Slayer is never true. But no serious incidents proceeded the holidays.

Buffy was grateful, she was having a hard enough time wrapping Spike's present, and getting her nerve up to give him the real present that could not be wrapped, to deal with another apocalypse.

Stupid tape, Buffy snarled internally as it purposely stick together and she had to let go of the wrapping paper again to get another piece. Spike's brand new complete set of Monty Python's Flying Circus on DVD was already looking a bit lumpier than anything rectangular had the right to.

Finally finishing, Buffy crowed in triumph, then glanced at the pile of presents she had bought for everyone else and felt like throwing a tantrum.

Spike and Tara had had all their shopping down and all the presents wrapped a week ago. It was Christmas Eve and Buffy was just getting started. She was beginning to notice the pattern she took with her school papers applied to everywhere else in her life.

* * *

Spike had been firmly shut out of all the bedrooms upstairs. Willow was cloistered in Tara's and Xander had taken over the spare room. He was fine with this. He had eggnog and cookies and the company of two of his favourite ladies, what more did he need?

“I opened the Pot of Gold, I couldn't resist. Do you want some chocolate, Spike? ” Joyce asked, offering him the box.

Spike glanced skyward and grinned it seemed She really did listen to him. He immediately started working his way through his favourites before Xander came down and ate all the little coconut cups.

Unlife did not get better than this.

“Spike, come help me decorate the little sugar cookie driedels and menorahs, Willow's still busy and I want them to be ready for her when she comes down. ” Tara stuck her head out from the kitchen.

Spike got up to wield the icing wand of Hanukkah and made plans for secreting some of the booze from the cupboard to add to the eggnog. Everyone was refraining from drinking openly because of Giles, but Spike figured what the man didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

* * *

That night, after a ridiculously filling dinner, Buffy and Spike reclined upstairs recovering.

“I can't believe I ate that much pie! Why did you let me eat that much? ” Buffy groaned.

Spike smiled and rubbed her belly for her.

Buffy licked her lips, now was a good a time as any, “The present under the tree isn't really what I want to give you for Christmas. ”

Spike sat up a bit, grinning, “Oooh, do I get another pressie? ”

Buffy smiled, “Kind of. I want you to bite me and take Angelus' mark away. ”

Spike was speechless. A more perfect sentence had never been spoken. His mind briefly shut down in the effort to wrap around what she had said.

Buffy continued, feeling a bit nervous at his lack of response, “I know its kind of sudden but it isn't for me, really. I've been thinking about this since the mansion. I read up about the whole bitey thing in some of Giles books and this mark on my neck is totally inappropriate, isn't it? It's like saying to every vampire in the universe, 'Hey! I belong to Angelus!' and that's so not true. I never belonged to him and I'm really starting to hate looking at his mark every time I look in the mirror. ”

Spike was still staring at her.

Buffy giggled, “I've really done it this time, I broke your brain. ”

Spike blinked and shook his head, trying to clear it, “Buffy love- “

“I know what you're going to say, 'this is for you too and it can't just be about the biter it has to be about the bitee. And I'm ready for that. I totally wasn't ready for Angel's bite. I didn't even know what it meant until I started reading about it. I want your mark on my neck. ”

“Buffy love- “ Spike tried again.

“I know you don't think I'm ready, but I know exactly what it means. I know all about the whole yours forever thing and I really, really want this. ”

“Buffy love- “ Spike began once more.

“I am- “ Buffy was cut off this time by Spike's lips. He kissed her soundly and broke off leaving her feeling a bit dizzy.

“I knew that would be the only way to get you to hush for a second. I completely want this. I want to do this with you. ” Spike burst out, desperate to actually get the words out.

“Oh. Well, lets do this then. ” Buffy licked her lips again and tilted her head to the side a bit nervously.

“No, pet. You don't go about a claim bite just cold turkey. ” Spike slipped on hand between her thighs and found a few choice sweet spots that had her squirming in record time, “You need to build up to it. ”

He stripped off her pajamas before Buffy even realized he had removed his hand.

She opened her eyed and he was already naked himself, “When do I get a strip show? ” She pouted playfully.

“Whenever you want. Just any night but this. ” He looked right into her eyes then and she finally realized what this meant to him.

The world. The world was in his eyes and it was comprised of her and only her.

Spike trailed kisses along her neck and nipped at the chosen spot playfully with blunt human teeth. Buffy let out and explosive breath, for the first time she realized how much she wanted this herself.

She had given it a lot of thought, but most of the time she had been thinking about doing it for Spike. Now it was suddenly very much about her.

It was about leaving the last tie to Angel behind finally and moving on. It was about claiming Spike as hers and announcing formally that she was his. It was about linking herself to him in the most intimate manner, through blood.

Spike stroked her clit and had her moaning. He rubbed the tip of his erection against the soft bundle of nerves, letting the precum lubricate it.

“Spike, inside me. Now. ” Buffy arched a bit off the bed, beyond eager to begin.

Spike complied, slipping inside in a maddeningly slow pace. They both groaned, overtaken as they always were at the wonder of their joining.

He thrust slowly in and out and Buffy wrapped her legs firmly around his waist and met his motions smoothly. She always marveled at how well they moved together. They were perfectly in synch, as though lovemaking had been invented just for them.

Or maybe, that they were inventing it themselves.

Buffy felt her orgasm start to build and she knew Spike felt it, too. She opened her eyes and focused to his face. She kissed him and felt him shift against her mouth. She carefully avoided sharp fangs, not wanting to cut her tongue up too badly.

“Now. ” She whispered, feeling him move his head to the side. The fade flicker of pain just sparked a tremendous climax and Buffy nearly lost consciousness from the intensity of it.

She felt him nursing gently at her neck and felt a gush of tenderness, she stroked the soft curls at the nape of his neck and pulled him a bit closer.

Buffy felt him release her and start laving at the bite wound with him tongue to clean it and let it clot.

She was beyond relaxed. She was quite confident this must be what being in a trance was like.

Spike kissed her and she could taste just the slightest metallic tinge in his mouth.

“I love you. ” His whispered pressing his forehead to hers.

“I love you more. ” Buffy whispered right back grinning a little.

“Do not. ” Spike replied, pouting petulantly.

“Do too. ” Buffy responded, feeling sleep beckoning.

Spike waited until her eyes shut completely, before responding, “Do not. ”

55.

Buffy woke the next morning already smiling. Her throat was tingling in a most pleasant manner. She tried to remember how it had felt after Angel had bitten her to compare.

She remembered it aching and feeling weak. Of course, in all fairness Angel had been out of his mind with fever and nearly ripped her throat wide open.

That was a far cry from Spike's love nip.

She slipped out of bed to find the make-up mirror she kept on the dresser.

The bite had obliterated Angel's mark, but it was smoother and Buffy had to actually look for it to pick it out.

She was almost disappointed, she realized, that it wasn't really obvious.

How twisted am I? Buffy wondered, I want to be marked up for everyone to see.

Spike shifted in his sleep and Buffy glanced over to the bed and smiled. He was searching for her in his sleep.

She crawled back beneath the cover and was quickly swept up in a sleepy embrace. Grinning, Buffy decided she didn't want to move for a very long time.

Which was of course when the knock on the door occurred.

“Buffy? Spike? Wake up! It's Christmas and Tara has breakfast ready. Everyone else wants to start opening presents. ” Her mother's voice sounded from the other side of the door. This both woke Spike and killed all chances of cuddly private time.

Buffy rolled her eyes, “We're coming, Mom! ”

* * *

Faith came to town just after New Year's. Buffy sent Spike home and insisted she was handling this herself.

She didn't know what Spike's new abilities entailed but she wanted him as far away from the ruthless Slayer as possible.

Spike did feel a bit put out. He hadn't been called the Slayer of Slayers for nothing. He hadn't done much of it in a while, but that didn't mean he was out of practice.

Buffy was firm, however, in her desire to see him safe so he backed down. It appeared she had a bit of a private vendetta to settle anyway.

Spike knew all about those and if he wanted the occasional private battle, he could not begrudge her the same.

He went home to wait, feeling like he was being grounded.

He had never actually been grounded, he was brought up in a time before such things existed and was also far too much of a mama's boy to have done anything to deserve it anyway, but he imagined this was what it felt like.

Tara soothed his ego with Ben and Jerry's and one of his Monty Python DVDs.

* * *

Faith was still reeling with the power that was being Buffy and therefore blameless.

She slipped from Joyce's house only to run into Willow in the driveway.

“They took Faith away then? ” Willow asked, nervously pulling at her jacket.

“Yep, the bitch is on her way to England as we speak. ” Faith tried to figure out what Buffy would say. She figured as many insults as possible would do the trick, “Man, she's a psycho. ”

Willow blinked, “Er, yeah. So can we head home now? I bet Spike's worried and Tara can only keep him there for so long. I think you should maybe talk to him for a bit. I think you hurt his feelings. Maybe he thinks that you think he can't take care of himself. ”

“Spike? ” Faith said without thinking.

Willow's eyes widened, “Uh, yeah? You know, your man squeeze? Your boy toy? Your Sex God? Even though he's not supposed to know you call him that. ”

“Oh yeah! Of course! I didn't forget him I just sort of didn't remember I left him at home. ” Faith covered, less than smoothly.

Willow looked uncomfortable but nodded sagely, “Anyway, maybe you should just explain how Faith always goes after your boyfriends and you just wanted to keep him away from her. You shouldn't make it about her being the Slayer. You know how he's all 'I took care of two of them, I can take care of this one.' ” Willow attempted a very poor British accent.

“Yeah, “Faith turned her head so Willow couldn't see her smirk, “She always goes after my boyfriends. ”

* * *

Tara was doing laundry when the girls came home. Spike jumped up from the couch and loped over to the porch to greet them.

Faith took one look at her brand new 'boyfriend' and decided he was too much of a hottie to settle for virginal little 'B' anyway.

Exercising every skill she knew, Faith pulled him into a heated kiss. Faith felt her juices flowing but Spike pulled away quickly.

“What's the matter, baby? ” Faith asked innocently, heart pounding at the suspicious expression on his face.

“Who are you? ” Spike asked finally, after studying her eyes for a few seconds.

“W-what are you talking about? ”

Spike squinted at Buffy. She had kissed him all wrong. Her mouth felt foreign on his. Even the first time she had kissed him he had felt like they had been doing it for years.

He looked into her eyes and saw none of Buffy's warmth. Then there was a flicker of something. He blinked and looked closer.

Magic. It shimmered like fire around her if he concentrated.

A strange, dark haired girl appeared briefly where Buffy's face had been and promptly vanished.

“You aren't Buffy. Where is she? ” He gripped the girl wearing Buffy's body firmly before she could escape.

“Spike, what are you doing? Of course this is Buffy! Tara! ” Willow called.

Tara came running out still clutching the bottle of Snuggle, “What's going on? ” She came to a stop in front of the trio and focused on the struggling girl Spike had a death grip on, “What's wrong with her? Her aura is just … wrong. ”

Willow looked from one to the other and then looked at whom she thought was her best friend, “What-who- Faith. ” She said finally, the name was said in a flat tone.

Faith was still trying to pull away from Spike, what was he? She knew he was William the Bloody, some big master vampire, but he should be able to do this. He shouldn't be able to overpower her like this.

“Let me go! ” Faith roared finally, giving up all pretenses.

Spike let out a low, dangerous growl and everyone froze instinctively, “What did you do? ”

* * *

Spike waited patiently for the Watcher hit men to leave the cage and then he made his move. He broke the locks and pulled the door off to find a chained and thrashing dark haired Slayer, the very same from the image he'd seen over Buffy's face.

“Spike! You have to listen to me! I'm not Faith! She's stolen my body or something and- “ Spike cut her off by picking the locks on the chains.

“Hush, precious thing, I know. We figured it out. We're going to get you back where you belong. ” Spike was finding it difficult to touch this girl. He knew she was Buffy for the time being but she did not have Buffy's smell, or her familiar soft golden skin. And most of all, she did not wear his mark. Everything in him was screaming how wrong it was to touch another woman.

He looked in her eyes then. Even though they were brown and a bit swollen, they had Buffy's expression in them and his heart melted. He wrapped her in his arms and felt her tremble against him.

He was just muttering soothing nonsense, when out of nowhere she pushed at him screaming, “NO! ”

He turned just in time to catch the downswing of a broad sword on the side of his neck.

What happened in the next few seconds was a blur.

The blade shattered on contact with his skin, Buffy leapt across the cage with a murderous intent, and Spike tried to pull her back, knowing suddenly that she intended to kill this man and that if she did, she wouldn't be the same afterward.

Everyone froze, staring down at the shards of blue steel on the floor of the warehouse. The man looked to be stunned into stillness. Buffy had first struggled in his arms and then realized that since she was in his arms, he wasn't dust.

Spike set her down on her feet and gripped the man by the front of his coat and slammed him against the wall of the cage, knocking him unconscious.

56.

Spike and Buffy stared at the collapsed Watcher, lying crumpled on the cement floor surrounded by the remains of the shattered sword.

“Is he still alive? ” Buffy asked suddenly, thinking that was a stupid thing to be worrying about after the man had tried to dust her boyfriend. She wasn't sure she would be all that bothered if Spike said 'no.'

“Yeah. His heart beat's a little slow but it's there. ” Spike blinked at her, feeling strangely otherworldly and distant.

“Oh. ” She said then. She turned and wrapped her arms around him. He responded hesitantly, her smell was still strange to him and her arms were too long, but his arms wrapped her up anyway.

They stayed like that for a few moments, before Buffy broke away, still feeling shaky, “We need to get back and find Faith. I want my body back. ”

“I want your body back, too, pet. ” Spike gave her a trademark leer.

Buffy smiled, it felt strange on the unfamiliar face.

“Knew I could get a grin. ” Spike smirked, placing a hand on the small of her back as they exited the warehouse.

* * *

They walked in a comfortable silence; Buffy was still trying to operate Faith's body properly. Her centre of balance was off because Faith was taller and had more flesh to maneuver. When she crossed her arms, she had to adjust to a larger bosom.

She stumbled because Faith had larger feet.

When her hair brushed against her face she jerked away, not used to the length and the dark color.

She really wanted her body back.

“What if we can't change back? ” She asked Spike quietly.

“Do you think the Powers that Fuck About would punish their big hero like that? Three things are for certain for you, love: Your looks will be yours forever and you're stuck with them. You'll go straight to Heaven when you go. And I'll love you beyond the World's end. ” Spike took her hand, “We'll get your body back. And on the miniscule chance that we don't, I guess I'll learn to love brown eyes again. ”

* * *

“What do you mean she got away? ” Buffy-in-Faith's-body demanded.

“When Xander came in, he broke our concentration on the holding spell and she slipped out. ” Willow flinched because Buffy was harsh and the situation was getting really confusing. She had just cast a spell on Faith in Buffy's body and now Buffy in faith's body was demanding why it had failed.

Spike raised his nose to the breeze. The hunt was on.

* * *

If Spike was good at anything as a vampire, it was tracking. Even Darla would admit that in his younger days. His nose was ridiculously sensitive. He had taken up smoking simply to dull his senses to the point where he could bear it all.

He could control himself more now, of course, but in large crowds he mostly tried not to breathe. The smell of humanity was often staggering.

Vampires didn't really smell of the same things humans did. They didn't sweat, they didn't produce oils and their mouths didn't support the growth of bacteria so their 'breath' didn't smell. Vampires did have their own individual odors, but they weren't the same kind as the living by any means.

So in contrast, when a vampire's sensitive nose came into contact with a human being, all of who had a myriad of different scents, not all of them pleasant, their senses went crazy.

Tracking an individual human was child's play.

And Spike found the familiar smell of Buffy's body immediately.

They arrived at the church moments before the police.

* * *

“Just focus on the bad guys and leave Faith to me. ” Buffy instructed firmly.

Spike nodded. And they went in.

* * *

In the midst of the battle, Spike spotted Buffy's body pounding on Faith's. A vampire crossed his path and distracted him then and dissolved into dust as Spike planted a stake in his chest.

When the dust cleared, Buffy's body was standing in the aisle, watching Faith's flee the scene.

Taking care of the last few vamps, Spike made his way over to the lone figure.

He knew she was herself again, Buffy would never run from a fight. He slipped an arm around her.

“She kept saying these things. Like I didn't deserve what I had and stuff. But she was punching up her own face. What does that mean? ” She asked him, leaning in to his willing support.

“You need to wonder about someone so willing to give up their own identity, love. She was pretty willing to never have her own body again, let alone her own life. ” Spike rubbed circles into the small of her back.

“You think she hates herself? ” Buffy asked suddenly as the thought occurred to her.

“I think that one's had a rough time of it. It's pretty obvious to me and I only met her for five minutes. I think things can happen, people can do things to you that change the way you think about who you are. I'm not excusing what she did, I'm just saying that maybe she just grasped at the best sounding solution. ”

Buffy continued to stare at the door where Faith had disappeared. She considered trying to track her down, going to L.A, where she was most likely headed and finding a way to get her behind bars.

But she realized then that it was not her job. Faith was a human being and therefore not within her jurisdiction. And further more, Faith would have enough enemies without adding one more.

Que Sera Sera, Buffy thought wryly, wrapping an arm around Spike's waist.

And they went home.

* * *

A few weeks later, as Buffy was actually settling down in her new classes, Spike mentioned a trip to L.A he was going on that weekend.

He elaborated that the reason for the trip was a punk club in South Central and Buffy opted out.

“Sorry, it's just totally not my scene. You can go off with the guys and have fun, though. ” Buffy patted his cheek and turned back to the chick flick.

Spike nodded like that was what he knew she would say and headed upstairs to get ready.

Buffy felt Tara watching her, “What? ”

“You're really not going? ” Tara asked, raising an eyebrow, “You know those clubs are pretty packed. Lots of bodies close together. All kinds of people go to them for all kinds of reasons. ” Tara smiled knowingly.

“It really isn't my scene. ” Buffy shrugged, “I don't like screaming, loud music and stuff. ”

Tara nodded in a placating way, “If you say so. ” And turned back to the movie.

Buffy glanced at her, confused.

* * *

Spike avoided his reflection almost constantly since he had gotten it back. It just made things easier.

Tara had taken the scale into her own room because one night she caught him near tears and fuming over the reading of 158 pounds and put her foot down.

So he got dressed in the bedroom in his clubbing gear, spiked his hair, missing the bleach for the first time in a while, and did his eyeliner.

He tried to insert some of his old piercings but after they broke themselves rather than breaking the skin, he gave up and did without.

He resisted the urge to check how everything looked because he knew he would be unhappy and self-conscious all night if he did and went downstairs.

In truth, he was almost glad Buffy had refused his invitation, he was nervous enough without having her in the audience. What if he sucked and she heard that? Tara and total strangers was one thing but his girl was another. It was bad enough three of his surfing buddies were going to be there.

* * *

Clomping down the stairs he tossed a goodbye over his shoulder and opened the door.

“FREEZE! ” Buffy shout had the effect she was going for; Spike froze one foot off the ground.

Buffy had been momentarily stunned at the image her boyfriend was sporting. The leather vest showed off his arms and there was no spare room in those jeans. He looked like Original Sin.

He looked like a walking orgasm.

He looked like a magnet for every tramp punk 'ho in L.A.

“I'm getting dressed, don't leave without me. ” Buffy dashed upstairs, ignoring his stunned expression.

Tara just smiled and stole Buffy's popcorn bowl.

57.

Buffy pounded up the stairs to the bedroom. There was no way in Hell he was leaving the house like that without her. She trusted Spike. She really trusted Spike.

It was every girl in Los Angeles she didn't trust.

And he was no going there dressed up like walking sex personified without a clear brand of Buffy Ownership.

Punk, punk, punk, Buffy chanted mentally, tossing her clothes around.

Her wardrobe took up three quarters of Spike's closet and two of his dresser drawers. Why did all her clothes scream 'nice girl'?

And then she found it. The black leather skirt she'd bought at the mall. Whipping off her Yummy Sushi pajamas she pulled it on and found an appropriate push up bra.

Top, top, top, Buffy routed through the top shelf. Flowers: A world of 'no.' why do I own a shirt that says, 'Princess'?

Finding the shirt Spike had made for her, she sighed. It would have to do. Black with white gothic letters, “And That's Mistress Bitch To You. ”

She really needed to go shopping while they were in L.A.

Shoes for Buffy, at least, were never a problem.

They weren't Doc Marten's but they were close enough.

Make-up, Make-up, Make-up, Buffy grabbed her cosmetics case, a big bag she stuffed with toiletries and spare clothes and barreled down the stairs.

I'll just have to do it in the car, she thought.

* * *

Spike stared as his precious girl came down the stairs looking like one from the wrong side of the tracks.

It wasn't that it didn't turn him on because it was incredibly hot. Buffy could be wearing a burlap sack and it would turn him on.

But he didn't like the thought of her changing herself for him in any way.

She didn't look exactly comfortable. She kept pulling at the short skirt as they walked out to the car.

“Are you sure you want to come, love? ” Spike asked, opening her door for her.

“I'm not bad enough, am I? To go to your club? ” Buffy asked, suddenly looking embarrassed.

“It's definitely not that, pet. You look like you'd give Garbage a run for their money. ” Spike smirked, “Its just-if you don't want to come you don't have to- “

“I really hope the Garbage thing was a compliment. ” Buffy said dryly.

“It's a group, pet. I'll lend you Version 2.0 and Bleed Like Me when we get back. ”

“And I'm so wanting to go. It's not every day you get to see your boyfriend in his natural element. How many boring nights have you spent at the Bronze with me? I think I can handle one L.A club you like. ” Buffy started putting on her foundation in the rearview mirror, “Come on, we don't have all night. ”

* * *

Spike had been thrilled at first when she mentioned the bit about seeing him in his natural element. But the thrill faded into a sort of nausea when he thought about why he was really going.

He hadn't been totally honest with Buffy. The Bender wasn't a serious punk club. He'd been to quite a few more hardcore. It did play a lot of punk music and a lot of punks showed up.

But they played metal and Alternative, too. They even had the occasional Rock Night. He'd seen Nirvana play there in 1989.

He'd been a bit obsessed with Kurt Cobain. Dru had wanted to turn him. They'd never gotten around to it and before long the guy had shot himself four years later.

Spike had always wondered how differently things could have gone. The guy hadn't been happy alive anyway.

He rolled his eyes at the thought. Hello! Holy Vampire on a mission from God, remember? Really not supposed to be lamenting NOT creating another killing machine.

Well, he wasn't exactly on the mission at the moment, but he'd be right back on the wagon when they got back.

In the meantime, it was amateur night and his buddies had convinced him to give it a go. He was scheduled for a set in three hours.

And now Buffy was going to be there in the audience watching him.

Oh God.

* * *

Buffy looked up from her eyeliner when the car swerved, “Spike, this takes precision. The car and the dancing? Not helping! I could put an eye out. Do you want to go out with someone with an eye patch? The pirate jokes would never end. ”

“Sorry, pet. “ Spike swallowed.

* * *

I can so handle this, Buffy thought. The club wasn't nearly as loud as she thought it was going to be. There were people dressed better than she was, but a lot more of them were dressed worse.

I can work with that, she thought letting Spike guide her to a table near the stage.

This isn't scary at all.

Then the next set started.

“ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING READY

FOR THE NEW SHIT?

STAND UP AN ADMIT, EVERYBODY!

THIS IS THE NEW SHIT!

STAND UP AND ADMIT! ”

Buffy swallowed.

O.K, maybe it was a little scary.

* * *

Spike shook his head thinking of all the brilliance Marilyn Manson was capable of and this was the song this guy chose to sing to represent it?

Personally, thinking of how it related to his relationship with Dru, he would have gone with 'Tourniquet'.

Then he remembered he was supposed to follow this act and his stomach returned to somewhere near his feet.

He signaled a waitress and asked Buffy what she wanted to drink.

“Something girly. ” Buffy gave him a cherry lip-gloss smile and he ordered her a White Russian.

“Listen, love. I have to go do this thing. I'll be back in about ten minutes. Just sit tight, O.K? ” Spike swallowed, memorizing her face just in case she was too ashamed to be seen with him after this.

Oh God, what if she laughed? Spike squashed the thought and kissed her forehead. She watched him go with a confused expression.

* * *

Spike found Josh, Derrick, and Josh's cousin 'Nothing' backstage.

“Man, I though your were going to be late, where were you? ” Josh asked nervously, watching the audience.

“I made it didn't I? ” Spike wished deeply that he hadn't quit smoking.

Then the intercom announced them, and Spike was glad that he had. He would have inhaled the cigarette for sure.

* * *

Getting up on stage and adjusting the microphone, Spike was aware of two things.

The light was incredibly bright and hot.

And a weird energy was just taking him over.

It was like when he was first turned and he realized he could run forever without getting tired. Every part of him was screaming to do something and that he was in the right place to do it.

Everything faded to black in his mind but the drums behind him.

* * *

“The world is a vampire.

Sent to drain-ain-aiiin.

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames.

And what do I get for all my pain-ain-aiiin?

Betrayed desires and a piece of game.

Even though I know- I suppose I'll show.

All my cool and cold-like old job.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage!

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage!

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage!

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal.

But can you fake it for just one more show?

And what do you want, I want to change.

And what have you got when you feel the same. ”

* * *

As Spike spiraled into the next chorus, Buffy felt electric. He was riveting. Everything about him glowed when he was up there.

It took her a few moments to realize everyone else in the room felt the same way. She looked around. All the attention in the room was focused eerily on the stage as her boyfriend performed his rock epic. A jolt of jealous went through her.

Spike belonged to her, it wasn't right that everyone got to see this amazing part of him, too.

I would have missed this if I hadn't come, she thought shakily.

* * *

“Tell me I'm the only one.

Tell me there's not other one.

Jesus was an only son.

Tell me I'm the chosen one.

Jesus was the only one for you.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

The someone will say what is lost can never be saved.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

And I still believe that I cannot be saved. ”

* * *

The world exploded around Buffy. The entire room was filled with a torrent of cheering. She couldn't see the stage anymore, she wasn't tall and half the room surged in front of her.

She wanted him to see her cheering for him. She wanted him to know how proud she was and how incredible he sounded.

But when she finally caught sight, he didn't even seem to be aware of the applause at all. He was calmly readjusting the microphone and pulling an acoustic guitar in front of him.

“Um, I know a lot of you probably don't listen to the type of music I'm about to sing. I don't like a lot of it myself, but the guy who wrote this song deserves everything I can do for it. This is Johnny Cash. ” Spike licked his lips and started to play.

* * *

The room was dead silent. Spike's guitar was the only thing audible. Buffy could hear her own heartbeat.

“I hear the train a'comin', a'rollin' 'round the bend. I ain't seen the sun shine since I don't know when.

I'm stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on.

And that train keep a'rollin' on down to San Anton.

When I was a baby, my mama told me, “Son, always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns. But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

And when I hear that train a'blowin' I hang my head and cry- “

* * *

Buffy could only grasp at explanations for what happened next. Giles would insist it was the bond they had created so recently. Tara would say it was the magic Spike could create through music, telling you why he was singing that song.

But Buffy was profoundly grateful for it to have happened.

One moment she was sitting in the club listening to Spike, the next she was standing in a bedroom watching him wake up paralyzed for the first time.

It was like a physical blow watching his panic and his despair and for the first time she knew that he hadn't been sure he would ever walk again.

She watched him go through that alone, feeling desperate to comfort him somehow, but this was a memory and no comfort could be given or received.

Dru came to him eventually, but by that time the mask had fallen back into place.

I did this to him, she thought. Every bad thing he ever did to her paled in comparison suddenly.

Buffy thought maybe the nightmare would end then. But it only began when Angelus came back.

* * *

Throughout the whole ordeal, Buffy heard the song being sung in the background and when she came back to the real world, Spike was finishing up to another round of thunderous accolade.

Buffy watched him go backstage in a daze. She shook off the aftereffects of her little trip and sipped her drink shakily.

“Buffy? What are you doing here? Faith doesn't deserve your persecution, too. I'm trying to get her to turn herself into the authorities. ”

Buffy turned sharply and came face to face with a nightmare.

“Angel? What are you talking about? ” Buffy forced herself to stop reaching for the stake in her waistband. That was a long time ago …

Two years …

He has a soul now …

He raped him. The bastard held him down when he was hurt and couldn't even MOVE and raped him …

He's a champion for the Powers …

He's an evil, sadistic son of a bitch and he should be dust.

He helps people …

When he hasn't gotten too happy. He raped him with a knife dipped in holy water.

“Angel. ” Buffy said through clenched teeth, “I don't know what you're doing here and I couldn't care less what Faith is doing. If you don't get away from me right now- “

“Buffy! ” Buffy turned to see an elated Spike making his way through the crowd.

Buffy turned back to see Angel growing pale. Good, I hope you squirm you stupid- “

“Peaches. ” She heard Spike's voice grow cold and dead.

A sudden flash of insight hit her. She'd always wondered why he called Angel that. God she wished she didn't know.

“Spike. ” Angel's voice was half-pleading, half- babbling, “What are you doing here? ”

He made him suck his dick. He forced him down on his knees and made him suck him off. Spike threw it back into his face. Said he tasted like peaches and called him that to say that he, Spike, wasn't broken. Not yet and not ever.

“I'm here with my girl. Don't you have somewhere better to be? ”

Angel looked from one to the other. Spike's closed face to Buffy's openly hostile one, “Yeah, I'm looking for Faith. Let me no if you see her, O.K? ”

And he was gone.

Buffy smirked. That was one thing he was good at, at least.

58.

Buffy was fuming, even as she wrapped her arms around a newly happy Spike. How dare he? She thought, how dare Angel come in here on Spike's night and ruin it?

Spike had recovered from the Angel encounter immediately, but Buffy was not so lucky. She pushed it to the back of her mind and praised Spike's performance openly. They had a few more drinks; Buffy switched to nonalcoholic, knowing her limits, and left the club.

“He said he was looking for Faith. ” Buffy remarked as they approached the Desoto, “He said he wanted her to turn herself in. ”

Spike snorted, “He would think that. The bloody git. ”

“You don't think she should? She killed someone, Spike. She needs to face the consequences. ”

“Never said she didn't need to repent and all that. But judging from the last I saw of her, she's feeling it. And I don't think putting a Slayer behind bars is ever the answer to anything. ” Spike flipped through the CD book on the dash, “Do you want to hear Garbage so you know what I'm talking about next time? ”

Buffy wasn't paying attention, she stared straight ahead remembering Faith's telling words of not so very long ago.

“You're right. ”

“'Course I am, “ Spike said, looking up at her, “About what? ”

“Faith doesn't belong in prison. What good could she ever do there? She should be out Slaying every night, fighting the good fight. That's the only way to make up for what she did. ” Buffy yanked her seatbelt on, “Spike, drive. We need to find her before it's too late. ”

Spike rolled his eyes and started the engine, “I'm beginning to wish I'd just kept my mouth shut. ”

* * *

On the way to the police station, Spike pulled out a cell phone and started making calls. From Buffy's end it sounded like banking, she didn't pay it any attention because she was too focused on what they had to do.

They pulled up in front of the station with a screech, just in time to see Faith start to climb the steps.

“Faith! Wait, you can't do this! ” Buffy jerked the door open hard enough to make Spike wince.

“B? ” Faith exclaimed, looking her up and down. Buffy belatedly remembered her outfit and blushed a bit under the scrutiny.

“Yeah, listen, this is the stupidest idea ever- “

“It was Angel's idea. ” Faith responded.

“Exactly. You can't do any good from a jail cell. Come with us, we'll think of something. ”

“Why are being so nice to me? You remember two weeks ago, right? I took over your body and tried to take over your life, I totally macked on your boyfriend- “

“What! I mean, never mind that now, I'm giving you one last chance, Faith. ” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. She was so going to have a little talk with Spike later.

Faith blinked at her.

Spike called out from the car, “Will you two bloody well hurry up! This is a tow away zone and we're right in front of the sodding police station! ”

* * *

The car was dead silent, Spike chain smoked and fiddled with the radio.

The sounds of the Beatles filled the car and 'Let it Be' reined supreme.

Spike smiled, he couldn't help it. It was his and Tara's song and it always put him in a good mood.

“ And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see. There will be an answer, let it be. ”

There is still a chance and they may see, the lyrics rebounded in his head. He glanced in the rearview mirror at the broken girl in the back seat. There will be an answer.

She was a slayer.

She was part of it all. She was part of his new duties and he'd given her not a second thought. Because she wasn't Buffy.

He'd thought that Buffy was the end all of everything until she was was … Spike's mind skittered off of that thought. He didn't ever want to think of a world without Buffy even though he knew it would happen.

But he had other responsibilities even now. And one of them was sitting in his back seat. He was glad he'd made the phone call. And know he needed to make another.

A plan was forming in his head.

* * *

Faith sat across from them in the diner and picked a napkin into tiny pieces a waitress approach and her eyes darted from Spike to Buffy almost shyly.

Spike was reminded strangely of Tara's first meal with him, “Order what ever you want, pet. ”

Buffy's brow arched at the endearment. It was one of hers after all. She found herself feeling both a kinship and a horrible jealously of the girl facing her.

“I'll have the burger platter and a strawberry shake. ” Faith said determinedly, glancing at Spike as if expecting him to protest.

“I'll have the same. ” Spike announced.

Buffy was jolted out of her trance when Spike gave her a gentle poke, “Oh, uh, I'll have whatever he's having. ”

“But her shake will be chocolate. ” Spike corrected.

“Oh, yeah. “ Buffy ran an embarrassed hand through her hair and winced at the mat she could feel forming at the back.

When the waitress left, Spike leaned forward and steepled his fingers. Buffy decided she would follow his cue. Her big plan had been to stop Faith from turning herself in. What to do with her now was something she hadn't considered.

“Here's the deal, pet. There's a Hellmouth in Cleveland that's needs some tending to. I've been there, it's not nearly as bad as Sunnyhell but it could use a Slayer. I'll pay your bus fare and give you an allowance to live off of. It won't be enough for shopping sprees but it'll pay room and board and such. If you want extra, you'll need a job. Something part time won't interfere with the Slaying bit. ” Spike sipped at the water the waitress had left.

“I can't get a job, I'm wanted in all fifty states! ” Faith protested.

“If you really think that's a problem, you haven't seen as much of the underworld as I think you have. I can get you a new identity, it's being worked on as we speak. ”

“Why are you doing this? ” She asked in a small voice.

Buffy leaned forward to hear the answer, wondering the same thing.

“I think everybody deserves second chances. Look at yours truly. If the Council of Wankers hasn't stepped up to the task I guess I have to. I know you can do better, I just think no one's ever given you the chance. ” Spike put down the water with a thump. This is your chance, Faith. Take it or leave it. ”

The waitress showed up with their orders and a few minutes passed in the bustle.

Faith stared down at the burger and fries, her stomach snarled, “I'll take it. ”

* * *

Driving back to Sunnydale a full day later than expected, Buffy fiddled with the radio, “It was a really good thing you did, helping Faith, I mean. ”

Spike swatted her hand away and popped in an Oasis CD, “I know, so unlike me, eh? ”

Buffy smiled and swatted him back, “And what did she mean by macking on my boyfriend? ”

Spike turned up the music.

* * *

They pulled into the drive and Tara and Willow came out to meet them, chatting and giggling about the adventures they'd had patrolling while Buffy and Spike had been away.

“And Xander still has blue spots from where the demon's spit landed. Anya is NOT happy- “

“Oh, my God! I have that paper due in like, two days and I haven't even started it yet- “

“Don't worry, Buffy, I'll help. Mine's already finished- “

Spike just walked with them, absorbing it all.

This was a perfect moment.

Just one minute frozen in time and it couldn't get better than this.

He had his girls, he was happy, the sun was shining and there would be footie on the telly tonight. He could smell Tara's cooking all the way out on the porch. She'd made chili and hot wings his favourites.

You only get moments, he realized suddenly. He knew his future would be lonely. He couldn't fool himself any longer. Buffy would be gone, Tara would be gone, everyone he loved was going to die and he would have to keep going.

But he got moments just like this. And that made him the luckiest creature on earth or anywhere else.

He stopped and closed his eyes, enjoying the soft breeze on his skin.

“Spike! Come on in, your wings are getting cold! ” Buffy called from the doorway.

His eyes snapped open and he bounded into the house.

(Author's note: This is the last chapter, there will be an epilogue in the very near future and I am planning a sequel. And a sequel's sequel, which I have no idea where to post. I'll say more about that later. I'm so sorry the last few chapters were so late, it's all work-related crap that you don't need to hear about.)

59.

(Author's Note: Despite the epilogue, the sequel to This Is The Way The World Ends will be very Spuffy and begins not very long after this story ends in chapter 58. Only several months will pass between them. I'm not dealing with a lot of the later events of Season Four because they just aren't going to happen. Adam and the Initiative are already dealt with. The sequel will be called 'The Worlds Revolve' and will deal mostly with a slightly skewed Season Five, a completely off-cannon Season Six/ Crossover with Angel Season Three [which is why Angel got to make it this far, if you were wondering] and I'll blather on more after you finish this one …)

One Hundred and Eight Years Later ….

She was dead.

It had only been three days. She was dead. His mind couldn't move past the words. His body felt heavy and leaden. He had been operating on automatic pilot since he had awoken with her cooling body next to his. He had shed tears, too many to count, but the despair had not faded.

And he didn't have time to wallow in it. He had a duty lurking just ahead. They buried her yesterday and today he was on a train.

They had quite a few friends to come to the funeral, woman from her social groups that marveled at her lack of wrinkles. She always looked far too young for her age.

But all the important friends, the Slaying friends, the lifelong friends, were long gone.

Buffy had outlived them all. She outlived the last of the Scoobies by forty years, her sister by thirty, and their small family by a decade. She'd outlived everyone but him.

But then, everyone would. He could not die. He could not fade from existence until the world was over. And that was only now sinking home.

The option of suicide, given to every creature, living and unliving before and after him was long gone. He never realized how precious it was, the chance to end.

He gazed out at the passing landscape. He'd thought Tara's death had broken him. In truth, in very nearly had. She was his oldest friend and he still felt her absence like an old, deep wound. Every once in a while it stung so sharply he could barely function.

But losing Buffy … he was amazed he could walk. He marveled that the sun continued to rise in a world without her and the tide pounded the surf still, even though she would never walk along the shore again.

How could these things keep going? How could he keep going? He was expected to fight tomorrow. He was expected to find the new Slayer, two days called, and help her.

What good was he to anyone?

* * *

The motel room was like a thousand others, but it was dry. The rain came down in sheets and Spike didn't want to get off the bed.

But he did.

He made his way to the graveyard through the downpour, seeking his new charge with a blind, unfeeling tread.

He didn't care. He didn't care about promises, he didn't care about the good fight he'd been fighting for more than a century. He didn't want to care.

The sounds of a struggle made their way to his sensitive ears. The park.

He moved toward it, quickening his pace automatically.

The scent of blood and fear was in the air, undiluted by the weather.

Spike saw them then, vampires, a half dozen of them. They were clustered together, holding down a struggling figure.

Spike reacted automatically, withdrawing a bastard sword from under his coat.

He beheaded three of them before they even sensed his approach. The other three barely put up a fight. It was pathetic, Spike shook his head, and there were no challenges in the world anymore. He hadn't met an opponent he couldn't easily defeat since Glory.

The sound of sobbing breaths brought him back into the present. He looked down.

Slayer.

The awareness of who she was hit him then.

She was still lying sprawled in the mud and grass and her skit was torn.

An ominous pair of ripped panties lay near by. Spike bent to pick them up. They had little cursive 'Sundays' written all over them. They were Day of the Week underpants. Dawn had had some and so had Lyra later on.

It was Friday.

“I didn't think anyone would know. ” She said softly, before bursting into loud sobs.

And then Spike cared.

It hurt but it came easier than he ever though possible.

He kneeled next to her in the wet earth and vegetation and really looked at her for the first time. She was so young. She looked younger than Dawn when she had first come to them.

“Did they hurt you, pidge? ” Spike asked, tugging down the skirt a bit to give her some privacy.

“N-n-no. You s-s-stopped them. They were going to- “ The tears came forth in a torrent again and Spike leaned closer. His arms were full in a second.

He scooped her up and walked at a ground-eating pace towards the motel. She quieted after a few minutes and Spike hazarded a few questions, “Where is your Watcher? ”

“He was here but he left when I f-failed. ” She stuttered, completely thrown by her unfamiliar position in anyone's arms. She hadn't been picked up since she had been two.

“He left you? ” Spike stopped, unable to contemplate what she had said.

“Tonight was my first time out. Roger was supervising. It was a test to see if I could beat them on my own and all. But I lost my stake and there were so many. I saw him leave- “ Her breathes started hitching again.

“Sshh, hush, love. Your Watcher's a worthless tosser and he's damned to Hell for leaving you to that fate. He's not worth any tears. ” Spike came to the motel door and had to put her on her feet to dig out the room key.

She stood there shivering on the doorstep and Spike nudged her into the room.

“How old are you, pet? ” He asked, turning on the lights.

“Thirteen. ” She managed, through chattering teeth.

Spike froze. Jesus Christ.

She was just a baby. A full two years younger than Buffy was when she was called.

The Watcher's Council had called a child, given her care over to the worst example of humanity Spike had ever heard of, and left to her live or die apparently caring for nothing but the next calling.

He burned with rage. But the snuffling sound she made as she tried to stop her nose running made him soften.

He picked through his duffle bag and pulled out a faded Clash t-shirt and a pair of sleep pants and walked to the bathroom.

He put the clothes on the countertop and started filling the bathtub. He even dug out one of the Bubble Bars he kept buying for himself after Tara was gone and he soap, shampoo and conditioner. He chose the ones that smelled of coconut, figuring a girl would like them.

He left the tub still filling to fetch her, “Come on, love, into the bath with you. We'll talk more once you're all warm and cleaned up. ”

He knew from personal experience, simple tasks could take anyone's mind off recent events, however briefly.

She entered with eagerness and shut the door.

Spike changed into his own pajamas and sat on the bed. He flicked through the channels of the television until he found a Golden Girls rerun and watched mindlessly.

It occurred to him, just as Rose was telling another St. Olaf story, that he hadn't watched telly since Buffy had passed.

* * *

Emily washed herself thoroughly, secretly luxuriating in the sweet smelling water.

Her Watcher would not approve. Only showers were appropriate for Slayers. Anything else took far too much time and distracted one from one's duty. She'd never had things that smelled so nice, either.

Every week, Roger handed her a fresh bar of plain glycerin soap. She washed herself and her hair with it and that was it.

Getting out of the tub, Emily was confronted with her own unpleasant reflection. Her hair was wet and tame now, but once it dried it would be a mess of frizzy brown curls. Her skin was bad. Her front teeth stuck out too far and she was heavy.

Roger had constantly been putting her on diet after diet as long as she could remember. He insisted Slayers could not weigh as much as she did. He said it would hold her back; she wouldn't be able to move quickly enough.

I guess he was right; she stared at the tears forming on her own face and hurriedly wiped them away. All she had done since that guy had rescued her was cry.

He must think I'm just the biggest crybaby. I couldn't fight those vamps off. I'm fat and ugly and no one will ever want me.

Least of all him.

Despite her traumas, Emily had noticed her rescuer. He was beautiful. There was no other word for it. Why had he saved her?

She pulled on the t-shirt and drawstring pants, blushing when she thought about the fact that they were his.

What's wrong with me? I almost died. They were going to rape me and kill me.

But they didn't because he saved me.

Roger left me, but he saved me and he doesn't even know me at all. I've been with Roger since I was two.

Emily paused at the bathroom door, suddenly nervous. She had so many questions to ask, though. She opened the door quickly before she lost her nerve.

He was sprawled on the bed like a big jungle cat resting up after a kill. He raised his head lazily at her entrance, “All done then? I'm going to have a wash before bed myself. ”

And then he was in the bathroom and the sink was running. Emily sat on the bed and started putting the questions in order in her mind.

Who are you?

Why did you help me?

How do you know about Slayers?

What's going to happen to me now that I've failed?

The last one made her chest hitch and she hugged a pillow tightly. She inhaled deeply and realized it must smell of him. It smelled of citrus and spice and wet leather and grass. And there was an underlying wiff of musk.

She pressed her face into the now comforting scent and willed back fresh tears.

He came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed next to her. She dropped the pillow like it had caught fire.

“Now then, I think it's time for a little story before bed. Get comfy, sweets, it's a lulu. ”

And she didn't need to ask the questions after all.

* * *

NB : sequels remained WIPs

(Author's Note: Because I can't shut up today, that's why. I've had a story eating away at me lately that I'm never going to have the option of writing what with the two sequels I'm planning. So I thought I'd offer it out to you all. I'll get around to posting it on the Challenge page sooner or later. It's an alternate-alternative universe. Basically, all the things that happened to Spike in this story, actually happened a bit before Buffy was ever called. Say about two or three thousand years before.

So Buffy to him is just another Slayer and he's been helping them for a LONG time. He's tired and losing his faith and when he encounters Buffy in Season one he doesn't expect her to be any different. You see, the problem with living forever and living among the living is that sooner or later, they all die on you. And Spike considered his biggest curse to be his heart. He loves them all like family. Every last one. And when they die, it feels like a part of him died, too. He's convinced that he has no parts left to give when Buffy convinces him otherwise. This could be a short story or a sprawling epic that spans several seasons. Spike has lived through quite a bit of history so flashbacks could be fun. Slayers came from everywhere and some of them were probably famous and misunderstood. * Cough * Morganna Le Fey *Cough * Joan of Arc, etc.

So, if anyone is interested, I'd really love to read your take on it. Meanwhile, The Worlds Revolve will be begin fairly soon. I hope you'll join me for the next bit. Thanks to all my readers and my darling, beautiful, precious, reviewers. I live for reviews. Please leave them.)