Episode
151 - The English Patient
pc:
817 season 8, episode 17
Broadcast
date: March 13, 1997
Written
by Steve Koren
Directed
by Andy
Ackerman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
Cast
Regulars:
Jerry
Seinfeld ...................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason
Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia
Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes
Michael
Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer
Guest
Stars:
Lloyd
Bridges ...................... Izzy Mandelbaum
Chelsea
Noble ...................... Danielle
O'Neal
Compton .................. Earl Haffler
Lisa
Mende .......................... Carol
Gene
Dynarski ..................... Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.
Marco
Rodriguez ................. Guillermo
Joseph
Urla .......................... Dugan
Jill
Talley ............................... Gail
Jill
Holden ............................ Lisa
Todd
Jeffries ........................ Blaine
Earl
Schuman ........................ Izzy Mandelbaum Sr.
Edgar
Small .......................... Sid Luckman
Lauren
Bowles ..................... Waitress
Juan
Garcia ........................... Jaime
Jeff
Miller .............................. Neil
rc:
Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld
rc:
Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld
rc:
John O'Hurley ................. J.
Peterman
==================================================================
[Subway
Train]
(Jerry
and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading
newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.)
JERRY:
You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession
stand?
ELAINE:
Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the
banjo?
JERRY:
He's wailing on that banjo.
ELAINE:
Yeah.
JERRY:
I just don't understand the raisinettes.
ELAINE:
The sax player?
JERRY:
Yeah.
ELAINE:
Yeah.
JERRY:
The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another
box of raisinettes.
ELAINE:
So?
JERRY:
Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's
perverse.
ELAINE:
HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi
girlfriend.
JERRY:
Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
ELAINE:
He's a musician.
JERRY:
Musicians. Get a real job.
(They
shrug and return to their reading.)
[Monk's]
(George
is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes
over to take his order.)
WAITRESS:
What d'you want?
GEORGE:
Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.
(The
waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind
him, a beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.)
DANIELLE:
(to George) Neil.
(The
woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his
attention.)
DANIELLE:
Neil.
(George
turns to face the woman.)
DANIELLE:
(apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet
my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.
GEORGE:
(bemused) Really?
DANIELLE:
(smiling) Yeah.
GEORGE:
(pointing to himself) Like me?
DANIELLE:
Uh-huh. Sorry.
(Danielle
walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.)
GEORGE:
(confused, to himself) Like me? But how?
(The
waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter
before George.)
WAITRESS:
Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
GEORGE:
Yes, yes, I am.
[Jerry's
Apartment]
(Jerry
has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought
in a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.)
KRAMER:
Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was
closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
Kramer
holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of the
shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.
KRAMER:
Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
JERRY:
(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.
KRAMER:
Yeah.
JERRY:
(examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.
(George
enters.)
KRAMER:
Hey.
GEORGE:
Hey.
JERRY:
Hey.
GEORGE:
Hey. You ready?
JERRY:
Almost.
KRAMER:
Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off
some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
JERRY:
(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo.
I'm gonna be busy.
KRAMER:
Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
JERRY:
(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER:
Yeahh. I owe you one.
JERRY:
(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
(Kramer
leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge and
wanders into the living room, talking.)
GEORGE:
Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful
girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her
boyfriend.
JERRY:
(continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
GEORGE:
(incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out)
This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that
possible?
JERRY:
Maybe he has money.
GEORGE:
(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same,
except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
JERRY:
(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
GEORGE:
Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or
wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
JERRY:
(picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
(Jerry
opens the door as George looks at him.)
GEORGE:
(pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my
friend.
(George
leaves, followed by Jerry.)
[Outside
Movie Theatre]
(Elaine
and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.)
BLAINE:
So, what d'you wanna see?
ELAINE:
(indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?
BLAINE:
(indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up
for all those Oscars.
(Elaine
pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's
choice.)
ELAINE:
Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
BLAINE:
It's a family in a brown paper bag.
ELAINE:
(laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
BLAINE:
No.
(Elaine
and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the
ticket booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold
Out'.)
ELAINE:
(disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
BLAINE:
(to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.
(Elaine
continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys
tickets.)
ELAINE:
So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant
sack?
[Monk's]
(Danielle,
the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters and
sees her.)
GEORGE:
(smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like
Neil?
DANIELLE:
(smiling back) Hi.
GEORGE:
Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?
DANIELLE:
Oh, no. He got held up at work.
GEORGE:
Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look
so similar.
DANIELLE:
Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.
GEORGE:
(disappointment) Oh. Course not.
DANIELLE:
No, you're a little taller.
(George
looks ever more bewildered.)
DANIELLE:
You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work
out?
GEORGE:
(smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...
(Danielle
looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not against
the idea.)
GEORGE:
...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone
number?
(Now
it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.)
[Outside
Movie Theatre]
(Elaine
and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English
Patient.)
ELAINE:
(very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English
Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie
stunk!
BLAINE:
I kinda liked it.
ELAINE:
(firm) No you didn't.
(From
the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see
her. They're all holding tissues.)
CAROL:
Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?
GAIL:
(tearful) Didn't you love it?
LISA:
How could you not love that movie?
ELAINE:
How about, it sucked?
CAROL:
That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.
ELAINE:
(aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.
(Blaine
gives Elaine a strange look.)
[Recreation
Center, Del Boca Vista]
(Jerry
and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment -
exercise bike, weights, etc.)
MORTY:
Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got
medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
JERRY:
Stairmaster?
MORTY:
What?
JERRY:
Nothin'.
MORTY:
(opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?
(Morty
has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.)
JERRY:
Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
MORTY:
No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and
thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
JERRY:
You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
(In
through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and
begins doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.)
MORTY:
Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy
Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing)
Watch this.
(Izzy
picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.)
MORTY:
See that? You couldn't do that.
JERRY:
I could, but I choose not to.
(Another
guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise bike
and climbs aboard.)
SID:
Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?
MORTY:
This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks
he can lift more than Izzy.
JERRY:
(protesting) I..I didn't say that.
SID:
(calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you
can.
(Izzy
looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to the
floor with a clunk.)
IZZY:
Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.
JERRY:
(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
SID:
That's not so funny.
IZZY:
(challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?
MORTY:
Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.
JERRY:
(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
IZZY:
Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down)
Let's see you lift that.
JERRY:
(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
IZZY:
C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!
JERRY:
(consenting) Alright.
IZZY:
Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my
house.
(Jerry
walks over and picks the weights up easily.)
JERRY:
There. Alright?
IZZY:
Step aside, stringbean.
(Jerry
puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps in
front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.)
IZZY:
I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.
(Izzy
bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into
the lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror
comes to his face.)
IZZY:
(agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.
(Izzy
keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular
weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's
face down on the floor.)
IZZY:
(drawn out) Aaaahh.
(Jerry,
Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.)
SID:
Somebody, call an ambulance.
MORTY:
(unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman.
There's room for one more.
[Outside
Movie Theatre]
(Elaine
is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's
buying her ticket from the booth.
ELAINE:
(handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the
ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
(Elaine
turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming
out.)
ELAINE:
(surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
LISA:
We just saw The English Patient again.
GAIL:
It's even better the second time.
ELAINE:
They make it longer?
(Out
of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.)
BLAINE:
(to the girls) Got my umbrella.
ELAINE:
(shocked) Blaine!?
BLAINE:
Elaine.
ELAINE:
I thought you were busy tonight.
BLAINE:
(cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be
with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.
ELAINE:
It's just a stupid movie.
BLAINE:
(to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
CAROL:
(taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.
BLAINE:
(bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!
(Blaine
walks away with the girls.)
ELAINE:
(fierce) I will!
[Seinfeld
Residence, Del Boca Vista]
(Helen
is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are in
their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.)
HELEN:
(accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be
ashamed of yourself.
JERRY:
(defensive) He egged me on.
HELEN:
You should be more mature.
JERRY:
He's eighty!
MORTY:
(standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise.
Now, goodnight.
(Morty
begins to head to the bedroom.)
HELEN:
(walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too
tight.
MORTY:
This shirt will never leave my body.
(Helen
follows Morty down the short hallway.)
HELEN:
(to Jerry) Goodnight.
JERRY:
(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.
(There
is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three
Hispanic-looking guys.)
GUILLERMO:
Jerry Seinfeld please.
JERRY:
Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the
cigars?
(The
guys enter.)
GUILLERMO:
What cigars?
JERRY:
Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
GUILLERMO:
(indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.
(Jerry
stares, stunned.)
[Jerry's
Apartment/Del Boca Vista]
(Kramer
stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove,
and Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and
Kramer answers.)
KRAMER:
Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.
(In
the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch
and a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.)
JERRY:
(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from
Cuba?!
KRAMER:
I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
JERRY:
Cigars!
KRAMER:
Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got
these guys.
JERRY:
(incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
KRAMER:
Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.
(Behind
Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.)
JERRY:
(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
(Morty
sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.)
MORTY:
(without looking up) Who are they?
JERRY:
They're Cuban cigar rollers.
MORTY:
(walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.
(Something
catches Jerry's ear on the phone.)
JERRY:
What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato
sauce?
KRAMER:
Hot and spicy.
JERRY:
(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
KRAMER:
Yes I am.
JERRY:
What colour is it?
(Kramer
looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.)
KRAMER:
Damn!
(Kramer
hangs up the phone.)
[New
York Hallway]
(George
and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a napkin
in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking
at George, very much as if she's interested.)
GEORGE:
You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't
have to take me out to dinner.
DANIELLE:
I wanted to give it to you in person.
(George
shrugs his understanding.)
DANIELLE:
(flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I
know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
(Danielle
gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.)
GEORGE:
Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
DANIELLE:
(inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.
GEORGE:
(looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna
be home in case Neil calls.
DANIELLE:
Well, goodnight.
(Danielle
leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely
oblivious to Danielle. )
GEORGE:
(hurried) I'll see you.
(Danielle
looks down the hall after George, looking
perplexed.)
[Monk's]
(An
unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her
coffee.)
WAITRESS:
Rough night?
ELAINE:
Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who
I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because
I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.
WAITRESS:
Really? I thought it was pretty good.
ELAINE:
Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes!
I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
WAITRESS:
(sour) Well, I liked it.
(The
waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.)
ELAINE:
(calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello?
(irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
[Mandelbaum
Residence, Del Boca Vista]
(Jerry
and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum
condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit.
Izzy is asleep in the bed.)
JERRY:
This is quite a condo.
MORTY:
The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
JERRY:
The crepe place?
MORTY:
Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
JERRY:
(doubtful) There's crepe money?
(Izzy
wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.)
IZZY:
What are you doing here?
JERRY:
(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you
how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
(Izzy
stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.)
IZZY:
What the hell is that?
JERRY:
What?
IZZY:
That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?
MORTY:
This was a gift from my son.
(Morty
displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.)
IZZY:
Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta
commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy
number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's
number one.
(Izzy
starts to move to get out of bed.)
JERRY:
Mr Mandelbaum, please.
IZZY:
It's go time.
(Izzy
stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in
his stance, arms raised.)
IZZY:
(pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
(Jerry
and Morty look on with horrified concern.)
MORTY:
Call an ambulance.
JERRY:
I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
(Jerry
darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.)
[Jerry's
Apartment/Del Boca Vista]
(Jerry
has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A
worried George sits at the table.)
JERRY:
(disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you
thought some guy might be calling you?!
(Jerry
puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the
floor.)
GEORGE:
(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he
could get a girl like Danielle.
JERRY:
(pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about
Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
GEORGE:
(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
JERRY:
I don't know, but you better keep it up.
GEORGE:
I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in
town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
(George
exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.)
JERRY:
(to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole
operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
(In
Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing
the '#1 DAD' shirt.)
MORTY:
Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back
specialist?
JERRY:
I will, I just walked in the door.
HELEN:
You have to go see him.
JERRY:
Ma.
MORTY:
Helen, will you stop bothering him.
HELEN:
Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.
MORTY:
Number One, signing off.
(The
Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in,
agitated.)
KRAMER:
Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill)
What's going on!?
JERRY:
What?
KRAMER:
(animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
JERRY:
So?
KRAMER:
So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's
off.
JERRY:
What's the difference?
KRAMER:
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like
it.
JERRY:
(confused) We're talking about people, right?
KRAMER:
Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These
guys don't have it.
JERRY:
I thought they smelled pretty nice.
KRAMER:
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
JERRY:
Is not.
KRAMER:
Is too.
JERRY:
Is not.
KRAMER:
Is too.
JERRY:
I'm not having this conversation.
KRAMER:
Are too.
JERRY:
Am not.
KRAMER:
Are too.
JERRY:
Am not.
KRAMER:
Are too.
[J
Peterman's Office]
(Peterman
lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick up
notes, photographs, etc.)
PETERMAN:
Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient
film last night. It was extraordinary.
DUGAN:
(enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.
(Dugan
walks away.)
PETERMAN:
Elaine, what'd you think?
ELAINE:
(hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't
tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
PETERMAN:
(aghast) You haven't seen it?
ELAINE:
(shakes head) No.
PETERMAN:
That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.
(Peterman
stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.)
[The
New York Hospital]
(Izzy
is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.)
JERRY:
Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the
best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to,
uh, try and find my number.
(Jerry
turns to walk out.)
IZZY:
Uh, oh, wait.
(Izzy
rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it up
to his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's
Greatest DAD!')
IZZY:
How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for
me.
JERRY:
(humouring him) That's very nice.
IZZY:
The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better
than just number one.
JERRY:
Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really
are.
(Behind
Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on the
door, attracting Izzy's attention.)
IZZY:
Hi, son.
IZZY
JR.: Hi daddy.
JERRY:
(surprise) This is your son?
IZZY:
I got married in high school.
IZZY
JR.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
IZZY:
This is Seinfeld's kid.
IZZY
JR.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up
to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own
age.
JERRY:
(jocular) You got any kids?
IZZY
JR.: Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead,
pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my
head.
JERRY:
(trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting
anything.
IZZY:
(pointing) The television.
JERRY:
(under his breath) Oh no.
(Izzy
Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.)
IZZY
JR.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
(Izzy
Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as he
tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry
cringes in the background.)
IZZY
JR.: (pained) Ohh! My back!
IZZY:
(urgent) Call an ambulance.
JERRY:
(laconic) We're already in a hospital.
[Earl
Haffler's Office]
(A
suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,
stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.)
HAFFLER:
Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
KRAMER:
(nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
(Kramer
walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.)
KRAMER:
They're right out here.
(Kramer
calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the three
guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and
caps.)
KRAMER:
Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
(Earl
Haffler regards the three for a second or two.)
HAFFLER:
You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban
wrapper now, would you?
KRAMER:
(fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more
Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
HAFFLER:
(confusion) We're talking about people, right?
KRAMER:
(puzzled) I think so.
HAFFLER:
I thought he quit smoking cigars.
KRAMER:
Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for
a second) ...Dennis.
HAFFLER:
(dubious) Dennis Castro?
KRAMER:
Uh, Dwayne.
HAFFLER:
Get the hell outta my office.
KRAMER:
(shrill) What!?
[Monk's]
(Danielle
and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.)
DANIELLE:
You know, Neil called me today.
GEORGE:
(interested) Really?
DANIELLE:
Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with
you.
GEORGE:
(smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.
DANIELLE:
He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.
GEORGE:
(little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with
me.
DANIELLE:
(surprised) What?
GEORGE:
(smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
(Danielle
smiles at George, still a touch confused.)
[Movie
Theatre]
(Peterman
and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing and
many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is
particularly emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing
pieces of popcorn up in the air to try and catch them in her
mouth.)
PETERMAN:
(emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.
(One
of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her
seat. Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before
slumping in her seat wearily.)
ELAINE:
(indifferent) Yuh.
[Monk's]
(Jerry
and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from a
bottle of some anti-acid medication.)
JERRY:
(incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
GEORGE:
I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
JERRY:
(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
(George
thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.)
GEORGE:
(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
JERRY:
What if it's Neil Diamond?
GEORGE:
(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!
JERRY:
Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
GEORGE:
What, to see the old guy?
JERRY:
No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up
too.
GEORGE:
How old's the son?
JERRY:
I think he's the same age as the father.
GEORGE:
What is with this family?
JERRY:
I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench
press the casket.
(Kramer
sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where the
three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he
moves over to join Jerry and George.)
KRAMER:
(quietly) Hey, Jerry.
(Kramer
indicates the three guys with his thumb.)
KRAMER:
(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
JERRY:
You're cold?
KRAMER:
No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.
JERRY:
Something wrong with your chest?
KRAMER:
(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.
JERRY:
(leaning round Kramer) Where?
KRAMER:
(urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
(Jerry
and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, as
they try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.)
KRAMER:
Over there. The Dominicans.
JERRY:
Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
KRAMER:
Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to
do.
GEORGE:
So?
KRAMER:
So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You
know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
(In
the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to
underscore a point in his argument.)
JERRY:
Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
KRAMER:
(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the
people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to
himself, shrill) El Presidente!
(Again,
one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the
sound.)
[The
New York Hospital]
(Izzy
and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.)
JERRY:
I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.
IZZY
JR.: I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.
JERRY:
He couldn't handle the weight.
IZZY:
(hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?
IZZY
JR.: (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!
JERRY:
(placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're
both better than me.
IZZY:
Okay.
(An
even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He
spreads his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.)
IZZY
SR.: My boys.
IZZY:
My dad.
IZZY
JR.: My grandpa.
JERRY:
(incredulous) Oh, come on!
IZZY
SR.: (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?
JERRY:
He was trying to lift the TV.
IZZY
SR.: (pointing) That TV?
(Izzy
Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.)
JERRY:
(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go
time.
(Off-screen
there is a familiar crunching sound.)
IZZY
IZZY SR.. (O.C.): (pained) Oohh!
[The
New York Hospital]
(All
three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same
room.)
IZZY
SR.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!
IZZY:
I still thought you could do it.
IZZY
JR.: Me too.
IZZY/IZZY
JR/IZZY IZZY SR.: (chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum,
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
JERRY:
Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
IZZY:
Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've
ruined our business with all your macho head games.
JERRY:
(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
IZZY:
Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the
crepes. We gotta close it up.
JERRY:
(uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
IZZY:
Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts
the magic in Magic Pan!
JERRY:
(thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
IZZY:
Yeah.
JERRY:
(having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you
later.
(Jerry
turns and starts to leave, but is called back.)
IZZY
SR.: (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.
(Jerry
walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries
it across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places
it.)
JERRY:
Here.
(Jerry
walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.)
IZZY:
You think you're better than us, don't you?! Huh!?
[Movie
Theatre]
(Peterman
and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman
stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with
boredom.)
PETERMAN:
Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my
eyes off the passion.
ELAINE:
(quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too
long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the
stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
(The
other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her
seat.)
PETERMAN:
(surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?
ELAINE:
(shouts) I hate it!!
CROWD:
Shh!
ELAINE:
(shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
PETERMAN:
(quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're
fired.
ELAINE:
(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you
outside.
(Elaine
hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.)
[Magic
Pan Restaurant]
(Jerry
and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.)
JERRY:
He was gonna fire you?
ELAINE:
The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and
visit the Tunisian desert.
JERRY:
Tunisia?
ELAINE:
That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire
me.
JERRY:
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
ELAINE:
I have to live in a cave.
JERRY:
(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
(Kramer
comes over to the booth.)
KRAMER:
These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that.
It's like they're rolling a double corona.
(The
three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around
fillings.)
KRAMER:
(to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh,
Guillermo?
(The
Dominican smiles back.)
(Over
in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with
Neil. Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the
camera.)
DANIELLE:
I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.
(Neil's
head drops at this news.)
DANIELLE:
Come on, let's just eat our crepes.
(The
Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various
tables.)
(At
one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of
scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.)
CUSTOMER:
(pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!
(At
another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded
with a faceful of blistering filling.)
(Neil
sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into
his face.)
DANIELLE:
(concerned cry) Neil!
(The
restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine,
Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.)
JERRY:
Why are the crepes spraying?
KRAMER:
(looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too
tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real
Cubans.
(Another
scream rents the air.)
[Metropolitan
Hospital Center]
(In
a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages
and an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the
remains of a hospital meal on a tray. George enters.)
GEORGE:
Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?
DANIELLE:
Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.
(George
picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed.)
GEORGE:
(to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
DANIELLE:
It's Neil's.
(Danielle
walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a sink in
the corner as George speaks.)
GEORGE:
(to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I
admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
(Danielle
brings back the jug.)
GEORGE:
Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key
made for you.
(George
flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.)
DANIELLE:
George, I can't move in with you.
GEORGE:
(shocked) What?
DANIELLE:
I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
GEORGE:
(animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll
burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
DANIELLE:
Sorry George.
(Danielle
takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders toward
the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.)
NEIL:
(beckoning) George.
(George
leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.)
NEIL:
(quiet triumph) I win.
(George
purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing
the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a
few inches and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold
of the IV line and tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV
bag,and drops it. Then the hand is withdrawn and the door closes
again.)
[Plane]
(Elaine
sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book. She
listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.)
TAN:
Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our
feature presentation...
ELAINE:
(dread) No, no, no, no, no.
TAN:
...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.
ELAINE:
(cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.
(Smiling,
Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a seat
beside her wants to get out.)
GUY:
Excuse me, please.
ELAINE:
Oh, sure.
(The
guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to his
body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a '#1
DAD' t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes
by.)
ELAINE:
(uncomfortable) Ooh.
(The
guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other
guys in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican
guys.)
GUILLERMO:
Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic
Pan crepe restaurants...
(From
inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two
guys also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock,
loudly.)
GUILLERMO:
...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
(There
is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps,
etc.)
GUILLERMO:
Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!
ELAINE:
(annoyed) Aww, nuts!
The
End