Episode
108 - The Diplomat's Club
pc:
620, season 6, episode 22
Broadcast
date: May 4, 1995
Written
by Tom Gammill & Max Pross
Directed
by Andy
Ackerman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
Cast
Regulars:
Jerry
Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason
Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia
Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael
Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer
Guest
Stars:
Tom
Wright ......................... Mr. Morgan
Robert
Hooks ...................... Joe
Debra
Jo Rupp ..................... Katie
Kim
Zimmer ......................... Lenore
O'Neal
Compton ................. Earl
Ellis
E. Williams .................... Karl, the exterminator
John
Cothran Jr. .................. Man
William
B. Jackson ................ Doctor
Christine
Cattell ................... Stewardess
Diana
Theodore ................... Remy
Berta
Maria Waagfjord ........ Bridgette
Mark
Wheatle ...................... Waiter
rc:
Wayne Knight ................. Newman
rc:
Ian Abercrombie ............ Mr.
Pitt
==================================================================
[Opening
monologue]
What's
this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special
clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts,
drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this
the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am
I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get
into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club.
Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're
sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain.
Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little
harder...
[Jerry's
apartment, Jerry is talking on the phone]
JERRY:
What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six
hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one
without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)
ELAINE:
Is that the supermodel?
JERRY:
Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six
hours.
ELAINE:
I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
JERRY:
I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and
meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
ELAINE:
Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling
him that I am quitting.
JERRY:
So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.
ELAINE:
I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
JERRY:
You're marchin' in.
ELAINE:
I'm marchin'. (Enter George)
GEORGE:
Hey.
JERRY:
Hey. Elaine's quitting.
GEORGE:
Really?
ELAINE:
I'm marchin' in.
GEORGE:
I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.
JERRY:
How 'bout the march out?
GEORGE:
Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're
losing.
ELAINE:
This is it. Wish me luck.
JERRY:
Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
GEORGE:
Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
JERRY:
Why?
GEORGE:
Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the
office.
JERRY:
What for?
GEORGE:
They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as
it is.
JERRY:
Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little
transparent?
GEORGE:
It better be.
[Mr.
Pitt's office, Elaine enters and Mr. Pitt is sitting at his
desk.]
ELAINE:
Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
PITT:
One second Elaine.
ELAINE:
Mr. Pitt...
PITT:
Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include
you as a beneficiary.
ELAINE:
What?
PITT:
Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a
daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm
gone.
ELAINE:
(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...
PITT:
(Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold
pill from the medicine cabinet?
ELAINE:
Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy
before you combine anything with your heart medicine,
PITT:
Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.
ELAINE:
We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live
a long, long time.
[At
the Yankee's office]
GEORGE:
(Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How
'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
MORGAN:
Why?
GEORGE:
Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear?
Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you
you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all
the time.
MORGAN:
I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?
GEORGE:
No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...
[Mr.
Pitt's]
ELAINE:
Oh my God.
WOMAN:
Who are you?
PITT:
This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...
MAN:
Please, rest Mr. Pitt.
WOMAN:
You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?
ELAINE:
Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping.
How did this happen?
MAN:
Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and
these other pills.
ELAINE:
Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.
PITT:
I spoke to someone who worked there.
ELAINE:
I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)
WOMAN:
How well do you know her?
[Jerry
and Katie sitting in the plane]
KATE:
Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna
tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-
JERRY:
Yes, I know. I've flown before.
KATE:
Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash
is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
JERRY:
No.
KATE:
(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little
you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way
after take off.
[Airport,
Kramer and a man sitting]
KRAMER:
Hey, how you doin'?
EARL:
Pretty good.
KRAMER:
Name's Kramer.
EARL:
Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you
headed?
KRAMER:
Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in
from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're
arriving.
EARL:
Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's
been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that
that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to
Houston.
KRAMER:
Bet? Um, not betting.
EARL:
Friendly wager.
KRAMER:
I haven't made a bet in three years, I-
EARL:
Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.
KRAMER:
Okay, how much?
EARL:
How 'bout 200?
KRAMER:
You're on, cowboy!
[On
street, George and another man pick up newspaper]
GEORGE:
How ya doin'?
MAN:
Okay.
GEORGE:
Nice day today.
MAN:
What?
GEORGE:
I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?
(Man
gets newspaper and leaves)
[At
the airport...]
INTERCOM:
Now arriving at gate 12...
EARL:
This could be Mexico City.
KRAMER:
C'mon Seattle, let's go.
EARL:
Come on, Mexico City!
KRAMER:
Seattle, yeah!
INTERCOM:
...flight 42 from Mexico City.
KRAMER:
All right, c'mon, let's go again.
[At
Mr. Pitt's...]
ELAINE:
Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?
PITT:
No.
ELAINE:
You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?
PITT:
Okay.
(Elaine
goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker enters
looking scared. Elaine waves.)
[Backstage
at Comedy Club in Ithaca]
KATE:
It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a
birthday next week.
JERRY:
I don't care.
KATE:
By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is
going to be in the audience.
JERRY:
Who?
KATE:
Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out
there watching the show.
JERRY:
I don't care, why are you telling me this?
KATE:
I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.
JERRY:
Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...
Off
stage: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld!
(Clapping)
JERRY:
Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you
here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange
cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up
here... um... I..
[George
walking down street. He sees a man and tries to help him with
groceries. Man walks away.]
[Comedy
club]
KATE:
It didn't go very well, did it?
JERRY:
No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience
really freaked me out.
KATE:
I knew it.
JERRY:
If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became
obsessed with him.
KATE:
Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I
should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.
JERRY:
Oh, it doesn't matter now.
KATE:
Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
JERRY:
Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!
[Airport...
]
EARL:
Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be
cash or check?
KRAMER:
All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.
EARL:
All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.
KRAMER:
All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)
NEWMAN:
Hello?
KRAMER:
Yeah, it's, uh, me.
NEWMAN:
Hey, what's up?
KRAMER:
All right, listen. I need some cash.
NEWMAN:
What for?
KRAMER:
I just need it, that's all.
NEWMAN:
Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak,
weak man. Where are you?
KRAMER:
I'm at the airport.
NEWMAN:
The airport?
KRAMER:
We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes)
But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.
NEWMAN:
I don't have that kinda dough.
KRAMER:
Sure you do.
NEWMAN:
Oh no, no, not the bag!
KRAMER:
Oh help me man, I'm desperate!
NEWMAN:
All right, all right.
[Airplane...]
INTERCOM:
Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're
taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...
JERRY:
(To Katie) What is the complication?
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: Mr. Seinfeld?
JERRY:
Yes?
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this
plane.
JERRY:
What?
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.
KATE:
I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no
business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.
JERRY:
I didn't care.
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.
JERRY:
He can't just throw me off the plane!
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be
a disturbance.
JERRY:
But I'm not a disturbance!
FLIGHT
ATTENDANT: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.
JERRY:
But someone is waiting for me!
KATE:
Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
JERRY:
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
[Airport
in Ithaca]
KATE:
There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty,
which one do you want?
JERRY:
Which one do you think I want?
KATE:
The eight will get you in a little earlier.
JERRY:
Then we'll make it the eight.
KATE:
I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini
suite?]
JERRY:
Hotel?
KATE:
Yeah, it's eight in the morning.
JERRY:
No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting
for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
KATE:
Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?
JERRY:
I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop
bothering me with every minor little detail, please?
KATE:
Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)
(Jerry
calls George)
GEORGE:
Yo.
JERRY:
George.
GEORGE:
Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
JERRY:
I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's
Club...
GEORGE:
Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your
apartment when you had fleas?
JERRY:
Carl, I think.
GEORGE:
Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.
JERRY:
Yeah, he was nice.
GEORGE:
What company was it?
JERRY:
Defent.
GEORGE:
Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...
JERRY:
You need an exterminator?
GEORGE:
No, not really.
JERRY:
Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
GEORGE:
Gotta go.
JERRY:
George, George!
[Mr.
Pitt's, Jerry is on the phone with Ms. Walker]
JERRY:
Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?
WOMAN:
Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for
you.
ELAINE:
Hello?
JERRY:
Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the
Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be
late.
ELAINE:
That's at the airport, right?
JERRY:
Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get
another date with her. She'll freak out.
ELAINE:
All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out
yourself.
JERRY:
I am a little freaked out!
ELAINE:
Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of
Elaine)
JERRY:
All right, but you have to go now.
ELAINE:
I said I'll take care of it!
[Newman
arrives at the airport with a bag]
NEWMAN:
Kramer.
KRAMER:
Hey.
NEWMAN:
Okay, here it is.
KRAMER:
Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
EARL:
So it's a mailbag, so what?
NEWMAN:
So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?
EARL:
(Reading) David Berkowitz.
NEWMAN:
Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever
produced.
EARL:
Where did you get this?
NEWMAN:
I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that
route.
EARL:
Any of 'em talk to you?
NEWMAN:
Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
EARL:
(To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.
KRAMER:
Yeah, don't I know it.
EARL:
Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now,
who do you like?
KRAMER:
All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
EARL:
All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take
Ithaca.
KRAMER:
Double or nothin'.
EARL:
Double or nothin'.
NEWMAN:
I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of
lack of confidence)
[In
rental car... Katie is driving and Jerry is asleep]
JERRY:
(Wakes up) Where are we?
KATE:
I'm not sure.
JERRY:
Is this even a road?
KATE:
Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.
JERRY:
What? Why didn't you wake me up?
KATE:
You told me not to bother you with minor details.
JERRY:
No, road is a major detail!
KATE:
Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a
preference?
JERRY:
(Pointing ahead) Look out!
[At
George's office, Carl enters]
GEORGE:
May I help you?
CARL:
I'm the exterminator.
GEORGE:
Oh, yes of course, come in.
CARL:
Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my
uniform?
GEORGE:
Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an
exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a
friendly visit. Carl, right?
CARL:
Do I know you?
GEORGE:
Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated
for fleas over there.
CARL:
Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?
GEORGE:
Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought
about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's
someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan
in?
PHONE:
Mr. Morgan left for dinner.
GEORGE:
He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
[Mr.
Pitt's. Pitt is in bed with Ms. Walker standing beside him. The T.V.
is on.]
TV:
Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost
Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a
swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a
passenger, seemed a little freaked out.
JERRY:
That's it! No more questions! I don't care!
PITT:
That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store!
He's no pharmacist.
WOMANEWMAN:
Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for
Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)
[At
the restaurant, George and Carl enter. They see Mr. Morgan.]
GEORGE:
(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me.
Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr.
Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you
to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.
CARL:
I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)
GEORGE:
That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator.
He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.
[Airport,
Kramer is smoking a cigar]
EARL:
Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.
KRAMER:
Yeah, he was.
EARL:
I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks
acceptable?
KRAMER:
Oh I accept.
NEWMANEWMAN:
(Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next
to me. We once double dated.
KRAMER:
Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE:
Kramer.
KRAMER:
Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
ELAINE:
Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his
plane in Ithaca?
EARL:
What about the plane in Ithaca?
ELAINE:
Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed
the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?
KRAMER:
Boy...
EARL:
Your friend caused the delay?
ELAINE:
Uh huh.
EARL:
You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.
KRAMER:
C'mon!
EARL:
See you around, Cosmo.
KRAMER:
What?
[Mr.
Pitt's...]
ELAINE:
Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what
are you, delirious? He's never even met you!
PITT:
You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.
ELAINE:
Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)
[Airport,
Jerry enters]
JERRY:
Bridget!
BRIDGET:
Jerry, what happened?
JERRY:
Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time
together.
BRIDGET:
Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.
JERRY:
Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane)
Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!
[Restaurant]
GEORGE:
I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the
time.
MORGANEWMAN:
Is that right?
CARL:
Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems
in the kitchen.
MORGANEWMAN:
(George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator.
This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)
GEORGE:
Check, please.
WAITER:
Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.
GEORGE:
Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!
The
End