Episode
143 - The Abstinence
pc:
809, season 8, episode 9
Broadcast
date: November 21, 1996
Written
by Steve Koren
Directed
by Andy
Ackerman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
Cast
Regulars:
Jerry
Seinfeld ........................ Jerry Seinfeld
Jason
Alexander .................... George Costanza
Julia
Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes
Michael
Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer
Guest
Stars:
Debra
Jo Rupp ....................... Katie
Brenda
Strong ........................ Sue Ellen Mischke
Bob
Odenkirk ......................... Ben
Meagen
Fay ............................ Mrs. Burns
Tamara
Bick ............................ Louise
Alex
Trebek ............................ Voice of Himself
Derek
Jeter .............................. Himself
Bernie
Williams ........................ Himself
Lawrence
A. Mandley ............. Larry the Cook
Fern
Fitzgerald ........................ Ms. Wilkie
Noelle
Balfour ......................... Waitress
Kyle
Gass ................................. Smoker
Judy
Kerr ................................ Woman
David
Letterman ..................... Himself (uncredited)
rc:
Phil Morris .......................... Jackie
Chiles
==================================================================
[Jerry
and George are sitting outside.]
GEORGE:
Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
JERRY:
Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
GEORGE:
We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you
gonna eat to survive?
JERRY:
Kramer.
GEORGE:
So fast? What about me?
JERRY:
No.
GEORGE:
Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
JERRY:
Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for
you.
GEORGE:
Well I would eat you.
JERRY:
That's very nice, I guess.
GEORGE:
I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best
friend.
JERRY:
Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
GEORGE:
Thank you.
JERRY:
Can I have a piece of that?
GEORGE:
No.
[George
and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.]
LOUISE:
George, I can't have sex.
GEORGE:
With me or in general?
LOUISE:
I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
GEORGE:
Nucleosis.
LOUISE:
Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.
GEORGE:
No, no, pff...
LOUISE:
How long is this not gonna be a problem for me?
[Jerry's
apartment]
JERRY:
Six weeks?
GEORGE:
Yeah, six weeks.
JERRY:
Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.
GEORGE:
I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's
not the point. At least there was the possibility.
JERRY:
Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
GEORGE:
I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
JERRY:
What guys?
GEORGE:
Like us. (Elaine enters)
JERRY:
Yeah.
GEORGE:
So it's just mono.
ELAINE:
Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a
doctor. And he's unattached.
JERRY:
I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
ELAINE:
No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.
JERRY:
Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.
GEORGE:
No something is bunk and then you debunk it.
JERRY:
What?
ELAINE:
Huh?
GEORGE:
I think. (Pause as they all look down)
ELAINE:
Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on.
(Phone rings)
JERRY:
Hello?
KATIE:
Jerry.
JERRY:
Oh hi, Katie.
KATIE:
Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic
Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.
JERRY:
I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career
day at my old junior high.
KATIE:
Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for
Jerry.
JERRY:
Yes, all right, Katie.
KATIE:
Sorry for the late notice.
JERRY:
Yes, bye.
KATIE:
You're the-- (He hangs up)
GEORGE:
They asked you to do career day?
JERRY:
Yeah, it's no big deal.
GEORGE:
Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that
just won the World Series.
JERRY:
And you were integral.
[Edward
R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside classroom.
Teacher enters hall.]
TEACHER:
Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.
JERRY:
I'm on next, right?
TEACHER:
Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...
JERRY:
The guy with the lizard.
TEACHER:
Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love
him. And we're outta time.
[Hear
kids from the classroom all say "Eww!"]
TEACHER:
So can you come back tomorrow?
JERRY:
I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?
[Elaine
and Ben eating at a restaurant.]
ELAINE:
So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake?
BEN:
I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor.
ELAINE:
Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you.
BEN:
Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have
to pass my licensing exam.
ELAINE:
When do you take this exam?
BEN:
I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one.
ELAINE:
Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you
doctor.
BEN:
Well, um...
ELAINE:
Well, can I introduce you as doctor?
BEN:
Yeah.
ELAINE:
All right, that's all I wanted to know.
[George
and Louise sitting on his couch. He touches her leg.]
LOUISE:
Mono. (George removes hand)
[Jerry
and George at Monk's.]
GEORGE:
It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.
JERRY:
So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
GEORGE:
you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a
person.
JERRY:
I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER:
Hey, buddy. How was career day?
JERRY:
Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
GEORGE:
You got bumped from career day?
JERRY:
It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
KRAMER:
They're trying to screw with your head.
JERRY:
Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my
head?
KRAMER:
Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy
batteries? I don't know.
(Kramer
lights cigar.)
GEORGE:
Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in
here.
KRAMER:
No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)
LARRY:
Take it outside.
KRAMER:
Come on, Larry. You know me.
LARRY:
It bothers people, and it's against the law.
JERRY:
You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother
people.
[Outside
Monk's, Kramer sees man smoking.]
KRAMER:
What, did they kick you out too?
MAN:
Yeah, they kicked us all out.
[At
Jerry's junior high school, Jerry is outside classroom with
teacher.]
TEACHER:
Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham
cracker?
JERRY:
No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on?
What is that about?
TEACHER:
Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
JERRY:
But I was promised this slot.
TEACHER:
Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)
[At
Jerry's apartment, George is sitting on couch, watching Jeopardy and
playing with a Rubik's cube while Jerry is talking to him.]
JERRY:
Fire drill, can you believe that?
GEORGE:
What is Pericles?
ALEX
TREBEK: Pericles is correct.
JERRY:
Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER:
Hey, you got any matches?
JERRY:
Middle drawer.
GEORGE:
Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
ALEX
TREBEK: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'
KRAMER:
Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)
JERRY:
Hello?
KATIE:
Jerry.
JERRY:
Oh hi, Katie.
KATIE:
I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like
that. That is so unprofessional.
JERRY:
Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
GEORGE:
What is Borax?
ALEX
TREBEK: Yes, you're right.
KATIE:
They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being
bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it,
Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER:
Ashtrays?
JERRY:
No, I don't have any ashtrays.
KRAMER:
Ooh, cereal bowls.
KATIE:
Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.
JERRY:
No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)
KRAMER:
All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)
GEORGE:
What is Tungsten or Wolfram?
ALEX
TREBEK: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.
JERRY:
Is this a repeat?
GEORGE:
No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this
afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I
really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
JERRY:
Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with
sex, so your mind is able to focus.
GEORGE:
You think?
JERRY:
Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head)
Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts:
the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce),
and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you
have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with
no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for
the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of
lettuce)
GEORGE:
Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second
grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he
exits. Kramer enters)
KRAMER:
Need some more matches.
JERRY:
What is goin' on in there?
KRAMER:
I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my
apartment to smoke.
JERRY:
Why?
KRAMER:
Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker,
that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
JERRY:
It doesn't?
KRAMER:
Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them
into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.
JERRY:
All right.
KRAMER:
Yeah.
[Elaine
and Ben are at Monk's.]
ELAINE:
So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose
whether it's a man or a woman?
BEN:
I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters
with a man)
ELAINE:
Oh my God.
BEN:
What's wrong?
ELAINE:
It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries
to cover her face)
SUE
ELLEN: Elaine? Hi.
ELAINE:
Oh hi, Sue Ellen.
SUE
ELLEN: Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes.
Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.
ELAINE:
Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.
BEN:
Well, I'm an intern.
ELAINE:
Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.
WOMAN:
Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?
ELAINE:
Well, there's a doctor right here.
BEN:
No there's not.
ELAINE:
Can't you at least tell him what to do?
BEN:
Like what?
SUE
ELLEN: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
BEN:
Right. Elevate your legs!
[Elaine
is giving Larry the cook flowers.]
ELAINE:
I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've
helped.
LARRY:
I thought he was a doctor.
ELAINE:
Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and
sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand
to signal her to wait a second.)
GEORGE:
Of course. Absolute zero!
ELAINE:
What? What is with all these books?
GEORGE:
I stopped having sex.
[Outside
of Kramer and Jerry's apartments. A bunch of people are in the hall,
which is filled with smoke.]
KRAMER:
All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the
only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters)
Hey.
JERRY:
Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?
KRAMER:
Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they
come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)
KATIE:
Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone.
JERRY:
I was out.
KATIE:
Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.
JERRY:
An assembly?
KATIE:
Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through
eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--
JERRY:
I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?
KATIE:
And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick
James.
JERRY:
Superfreak?
KATIE:
Yes.
[Elaine
is sitting on her couch with Ben.]
ELAINE:
What is your answer to number 74?
BEN:
Medobolic acidosis.
ELAINE:
No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!
BEN:
Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.
ELAINE:
Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.
[George
and Yankees Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams are at the
ballpark.]
GEORGE:
Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the
velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity,
of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not
complicated.
JETER:
Now who are you again?
GEORGE:
George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
WILLIAMS:
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
GEORGE:
Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball
games?
JETER:
We won the World Series.
GEORGE:
In six games.
[Elaine,
Jerry, and George sitting at Monk's Cafe.]
JERRY:
...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh,
stand-up comedy may be the career for you.
GEORGE:
Nine minutes.
JERRY:
How am I gonna fill two hours?
GEORGE:
Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to
see a real live Yankee.
JERRY:
And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress
comes to table)
WAITRESS:
More coffee?
GEORGE:
Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent?
WAITRESS:
Si
GEORGE:
Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.
WAITRESS:
Mute pragalas senor
GEORGE:
Eh, don't mention it.
ELAINE:
Portuguese?
GEORGE:
Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up.
ELAINE:
How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three
days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?
JERRY:
Are you all right?
ELAINE:
I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not
good.
JERRY:
Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a
reverse effect on you.
ELAINE:
What? What are you talking about?
JERRY:
To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted
the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in
a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a
garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is
blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
ELAINE:
I don't understand.
JERRY:
Exactly.
[Jerry's
apartment. Kramer enters smoking.]
KRAMER:
Hey buddy.
JERRY:
Hey.
KRAMER:
Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
JERRY:
What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's
mitt.
KRAMER:
What? (Kramer checks it out.) My face is all craggly, it's
crinkly.
JERRY:
It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in
72 hours. What did you expect?
KRAMER:
Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my
livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
JERRY:
And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
KRAMER:
Look away, I'm hideous.
[Kramer
exits. Cut to Elaine's.
ELAINE:
Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank.
BEN:
Pooh!
ELAINE:
Pooh...(laughing)
BEN:
No, it's Winnie the Pooh.
[George's
apartment. George is looking through a microscope.]
LOUISE:
So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my
test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.
[Monk's]
JERRY:
So what did you do?
GEORGE:
I told her I would have to think about it.
JERRY:
But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
GEORGE:
I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
JERRY:
You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances.
GEORGE:
Simple joke from a simple man.
JERRY:
So you're never gonna have sex again?
GEORGE:
Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have
sex again anyway.
JERRY:
So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna
say about the Yankees?
GEORGE:
Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments
that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.
JERRY:
I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks.
[Jackie
Chiles is on the phone in his office.]
JACKIE:
My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time
I'm plannin' on going to Kofu.
(Kramer
enters.)
JACKIE:
Oh no.
(Jackie
hangs up phone.)
KRAMER:
Jackie we gotta talk.
JACKIE:
No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune
and humiliation. Now get out.
KRAMER:
But Jackie--
JACKIE:
I said out.
KRAMER:
Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.
JACKIE:
The who?
KRAMER:
The tobacco companies.
JACKIE:
I've been wanting a piece of them for years.
[Cut
to Elaine being mesmerized by a rotating tire.]
[Back
to Chiles' office.]
JACKIE:
Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to
your appearance?
KRAMER:
No, it didn't say anything.
JACKIE:
So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive,
disgusting.
KRAMER:
So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
JACKIE:
Your face is my case.
[Elaine
enters Jerry's apartment.]
JERRY:
How ya doin'?
ELAINE:
Not good. I'm a moron.
JERRY:
Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex
again, and you'll be fine.
ELAINE:
Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven
minutes?
JERRY:
What for? Oh come on.
ELAINE:
I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.
JERRY:
I think it has something to do with me.
ELAINE:
You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.
JERRY:
(thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm
sorry, it's too weird.
ELAINE:
Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?
[George
and Louise sit at Monk's while George is doing all sorts of
scientific experiments and such.]
GEORGE:
You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early
Euclidean geometry--
LOUISE:
George, I have to have sex.
GEORGE:
I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to
occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.
LOUISE:
Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)
GEORGE:
What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches)
WAITRESS:
Mas Café?
GEORGE:
Si, por favor.
[Kramer,
and Jackie begin to discuss their to tobacco representative, Ms.
Wilkie.]
JACKIE:
Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen,
into a horrible twisted freak.
KRAMER:
Who could love me?
WILKIE:
I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged
masculinity.
JACKIE:
Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four
days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than
a shrunken head.
WILKIE:
All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day,
gentlemen. (She exits)
KRAMER:
Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
JACKIE:
You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched
disfigurement.
[Elaine's
Apartment]
ELAINE:
Congratulations! You passed!
BEN:
Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other
anymore.
ELAINE:
What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you
while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor?
BEN:
I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I
would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the
dream of becoming a doctor.
ELAINE:
Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?
[Backstage
at the junior high's auditorium.]
KATIE:
Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes
on, then you. (George enters)
GEORGE:
Hey.
JERRY:
Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
GEORGE:
I got lost on the way over.
JERRY:
Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
GEORGE:
What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me
to your leader.
JERRY:
Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!
GEORGE:
No, the Portuguese waitress.
JERRY:
The Portuguese waitress?
GEORGE:
I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese
waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
KATIE:
George, George, you're on.
GEORGE:
No, no. I'm not going on.
JERRY:
Then what'd you come down here for?
GEORGE:
Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
JERRY:
It's good to have you back.
KATIE:
One of you has to go on.
JERRY:
All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with
homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos)
[Jackie
and Kramer in a cab.]
KRAMER:
It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
JACKIE:
It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
KRAMER:
Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little
pow-wow.
JACKIE:
A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have
pow-wow.
KRAMER:
She made an offer. I took it.
JACKIE:
How much?
KRAMER:
No, no, no. There was no money.
JACKIE:
No money? Then what'd we get?
KRAMER:
Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on
it)
JACKIE:
This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
[Jerry
talking on the phone with David Letterman.]
JERRY:
Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
LETTERMAN:
Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that
little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that,
you were bumped by a lizard?
JERRY:
Actually, it was a ********.
LETTERMAN:
those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date
are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags
him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you
if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?
JERRY:
Jerry.
LETTERMAN:
Right. Jerry.
The
End