What's Done Cannot Be Undone By mamasutra

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7113308/1/

EPOV

If a person had told me two years ago that the most interesting person in the
room at my son's graduation party would be my wife, or should I say ex-wife, I
would have called them a liar. Bella Swan Cullen was far from interesting, and
what used to be captivating about her had become mundane. It was this reason
that I offered out as an explanation when people asked about our failed marriage
of sixteen years.

When Bella and I married, we were young and in love. It was magical, and the
sex was mind blowing. We married at the age of nineteen at the beginning of our
second year of college. Later that year, we had our only son, Seth. Bella dropped
out of college after Seth born so I could focus on my degree and getting into
medical school. I promised that once I was done, she would go back and finish
her degree. Sure, it was hard, but while I worked hard at school, Bella worked to
keep us afloat so we were not dependent on my parents' money. Every night, I
would promise her that one day all our hard work would pay off, and she believed
me.

We were the couple that other couples talked about. We loved loud, often, and
strong. I called her over every break no matter what time it was during my
rounds at the hospital. She would wait for me at night so that when I came
home, she welcomed me back to our bed. Everything was perfect, and I promised
her that one day all our sacrifices of nights apart would pay off. She never
doubted me; she just looked at me with her big brown eyes, shining with trust
and love.

We were happy; crazy, blissfully, happy, and then slowly over time, things
changed. I can't tell you when or what changed, but it did. Time passed, and
soon I discovered that it had been weeks since I had called my wife over my
breaks, and I really had no excuse for my behavior. I found that while she was
still waiting up for me at night, I was too tired to greet her with anything other
than irritation. I just wanted to sleep instead of to listen to her about her dull day
around the house, or worse yet, to what had happened at the office that day. The
last thing I wanted to hear about after my stressful day at the hospital was some
pointless fight between her girlfriends over something that did not matter to me
in the first place.

I found myself avoiding her calls, since all she did was ask when I would I come
home or if I would be available to be at whatever sporting event Seth was in at
that time. I never understood why she couldn't fathom that I was working
towards my dream of making chief of staff. I would swallow the anger at her lack
of care of my wants with the burn of bourbon at the bar closest to the hospital. It
was there that I met Tanya.

Tanya was a nineteen-year old waitress that was enthralled with me. She was tall
with legs that went on for miles in her short skirts, and her large breasts always

seemed to spill out of her low cut shirts in the most teasing way. She would toss
her long, strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and bat her big blue eyes as
she would tell me how amazed she was by me being a doctor. She would tell me
that I was the smartest man she had ever met. For an old man of thirty-five, it
made my ego swell, and my dick twitch with every compliment she bestowed
upon me.

It was horrible how I ate up every teasing glance and suggestive remark, but I
had missed being wanted. I really believed my wife didn't want me anymore since
she was so busy with our son or work. Why not be with someone who did? It was
that feeble excuse I gave myself the night my affair with Tanya began.

"I don't understand why that wife of yours just can't leave you alone," Tanya
purred at me seductively, as she leaned across the bar towards me. At the angle
that she was standing, I could see down her shirt to her amazing tits. They just
called to me.

"I don't know," I said, as I ogled Tanya's tits. She pressed them on top of the
bar, causing them to swell as they pressed together, while I imagined what my
dick would look like sliding between them.

"You deserve better, baby," she whispered to me in a soft seductive tone. She
poured me another round of bourbon before running her long, red nails over my
scalp making me moan from the sensation. Bella used to touch me like that, but I
could not even think of the last time she had touched me like that.

The rest of the night was a blur of bourbon and flirting, until I found myself
shoved into the men's room by Tanya. It was a disgusting, smelly bathroom, but
that did not seem to bother Tanya as she dropped to her knees, tugging my
scrubs down in the process. Before I could protest, my dick was in her mouth,
getting hard with each pass of her tongue until I was hard and lust crazed.

I fumbled with the condom dispenser on the wall as Tanya sucked my dick with
fierce determination, almost forcing me to come in her mouth. It was so damn
dirty that it almost brought me to my knees. Bella would have never done this,
not in a men's room of a dark and dirty bar. She was above that, and for some
reason, the thought of her being better than this tryst infuriated me. It was that
fury that I would take out on the girl in front of me.

I pulled Tanya up to standing and pushed her onto the grubby, gray small
counter with a hard shove. She gasped at my sudden movement, but instead of
shoving me away like she should have, she just yanked her tiny, mini skirt up
over her hips to reveal her yellow lace thong. She presented her ass to me,
practically begging me to fuck her as she leaned over the counter waiting for my
next move.

That was my moment. It was the moment that I could've backed off and let it go
at a minor mistake of letting some girl suck my dick, but as I looked down as at
her lace covered pussy, my lust-addled brain took over. I thought about how this
would show Bella what happens for not being available to me. I rolled the cheap
condom down my dick awkwardly, since it had been years since I had used one. I
gripped her thong roughly and pulled it aside to reveal her wet pussy. I thrust
hard into the girl, not checking to see if she was wet enough or even ready for
me, filling her in one stroke, and from there on it was like an out of body
experience.

I was a man possessed as I fucked her hard, while she screamed and moaned.

"Jesus, you have a big dick, I can feel you so fucking deep," She moaned, as I
fucked her from behind.

"Your dick is so big it almost fucking hurts like this. Don't stop! Fuck me deep!
Yeah, so fucking good!" she moaned loudly, as she gripped the dirty counter with
her knuckles white with exertion. Her cries of pleasure only added to my already
inflated ego. I was like a different man as I fucked this girl. For the first time
ever, I could focus on me. I didn't care if Tanya was going to come or not. I
didn't even care if it felt good for her, I was too focused on me, and that was
thrilling. I had never had sex when it could be all about me.

"You liked to be fucked don't you," I asked her, as my hips snapped into her ass
while my bags slapped against her wet pussy as I filled her. My words made her
moan more, and that shot another thrill straight to my ego.

"Tell me how good my dick feels," I demanded from her, as I tugged on her hair,
pulling her head up so she would be forced to meet my gaze in the mirror. Her
blue eyes were glazed over in lust and awe as they met mine, which caused me
to smile an evil smile of delight.

I half listened to Tanya's incoherent soliloquy about my dick as I forced her to
arch her back in a bow backwards. This allowed me to plunder her deeper which
made her painted pink lips elicit high-pitched squeals.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! So fucking good! So fucking deep! Don't stop fucking
me! Don't stop!" she stuttered, as she moaned loudly, as I fought off my own
pending orgasm. I knew the bar patrons could hear her screams of pleasure, but
I didn't care. I wanted them to know that I was fucking the hell out of this girl,
the same girl the other dirty old men all wished they were fucking. I wanted the
world to know that I, a thirty-five year old man, could still get hot pussy like this
girl, and that made me a god.

I watched myself slide in and out of her wet pussy, knowing that I would not last
much longer. Tanya hadn't come yet for all her caterwauling, but I did not care.
It wasn't about the warm body beneath me, it was about me, and I fucking loved
it.

I slid deep inside of her and gripped her hips tightly to hold her still as I came
hard, filling the condom as all the anger left me in three long spurts of cum. I
pulled out of Tanya's quivering body and removed the slick, used condom from
my dick while Tanya rambled how good it was without really moving from her
spot on the counter.

It was an odd feeling, the come down since while I was fucking this girl, I had felt
like a god. I was in control; she took what I gave her, and I took everything she
had to offer me. I had fucked her without thought and had revelled in it. It was
thrilling, but now as I came down from the sex high I was on, I didn't know how
to behave. I had been nothing but crude and demanding to this girl.

Tanya turned to look at me. Her eyes flickered on my limp dick that was covered
in cum from the condom. I watched her, and in that instant, I was that man
again, the man that would fuck a girl in a dirty, bar bathroom, not caring how
degrading that might be to her. I suddenly wanted to push her. I wanted to know
how far I could push the girl, but before I could say another word, Tanya dropped
to her knees once more and took my flaccid dick in her mouth and cleaned me
properly. She tucked me back in my boxers with a soft kiss to the head of my
dick, as if she was thanking it. She remained on her knees as she looked up at
me with her wide blue eye, shining with adoration. That's when I knew I was

hooked. Right or wrong didn't matter anymore. I knew I would have to have her
again just to chase that feeling of being a god.

My affair with Tanya went into over drive as I discovered that she would come to
the hospital whenever I texted her to meet me for sex. All I had to text was Be
here in twenty minutes. No panties, and she would appear ready to suck my cock
or to bend herself over the couch in my office so I could fuck her. It was crazy;
she made no demands from me, which I loved since Bella had made enough
demands in my life about lack of time with her or no time at home.

I often wondered if Bella ever questioned what was going on with me. She
seemed sad and determined to reach me, but by then, I was already gone. I was
lost to the thrill of hidden sexcapades, and Tanya's hot mouth was always so
willing to suck me off. I was lost to finally being able to focus on me and not the
woman I was with. I was a king. I had it all. I had the marriage that was slowly
dying by my own hand. I had the woman who cared for my son and made me
look good at the hospital. I also had at my beck and call a girl to come suck and
fuck me at a moment's notice. I was lost to brilliance that had become my life,
and because of it, I became sloppy.

One year after the start of my affair with Tanya, my relationship with Bella was
almost nonexistent. I remember her trying figure out what was wrong. I
remember her crying as she asked me why I was so distant. She even went so
far as to book a weekend away for us to the bed and breakfast we had stayed at
when we were still in our building stages of our life. Money was tight then, and
such a trip was extravagant. It was a touching gesture, and maybe if I had gone
along with her to the retreat, we could have reconnected, but I was selfish. I saw
the trip as an opportunity, an opportunity that I could not pass up for the thrill of
it.

I waited until the last minute to cancel, knowing that Seth would be at my
parents' house for the weekend, and Bella would be packed to go.

"Edward, you can't cancel," she said in a soft tone that told me how disappointed
she was, even though she refused to say it.

"Sweetheart, go on without me. Once I have someone to work the shift here, I
will run to meet you, okay?" I cooed to her happily, knowing that this would
appease her enough to go, and it did.

I waited until I knew she was gone, and then I left the hospital to pick up Tanya.
She had never been to my house for obvious reasons, and now I would bring her
to my home. It was dirty and wrong, but I loved it. It was the ultimate thrill
knowing that I was going to fuck this girl everywhere in my home, and my wife
would be none the wiser. I laughed to myself as I thought about how I would
eventually fuck my wife in the same bed that I had fucked my mistress silly in
and she would never know. The idea of such a deception was thrilling enough to
make me hard without Tanya's help.

"Excited, baby?" Tanya asked me, as she stroked my hard dick through my
scrubs I was wearing. I smiled at her and then nodded for her to proceed. She
leaned over and pulled my dick out to suck as I drove through the city streets
and then along the freeway to the sleepy suburb where I lived.

I had a plan in place that weekend. I was going to fuck Tanya and then leave to
spend one day with my wife. I would show my Bella a good time and then bring
her home to fuck her in our bed where I had fucked Tanya. It would be vulgar
and exciting as hell. I could see Bella in my mind as I fucked her, pink skinned

and moaning as I fucked her hard, and that was all the incentive I needed to
come in Tanya's awaiting mouth as I drove.

Once I made it to my home, I watched happily as Tanya looked at my house in
awe. It was a magnificent house that was worthy of a chief of staff at large
hospital. It screamed money and status as we drove up, and I watched Tanya's
eyes light up as I pulled into the garage so the neighbors wouldn't see my little
girlfriend that I brought home as a treat.

I walked into the house with Tanya following behind me, and as soon as I saw the
grand kitchen that Bella loved so much more than me, I was hard. I grabbed
Tanya and forced her face down on the premier granite counter top that Bella had
left spotless. I reached under her skirt to find her bare for me. I didn't ask if it
was okay, I just dropped my scrubs and thrust into her, fucking hard on the
counter that Bella had taken six months to pick out.

I was like a kid in the candy store as I moved from room to room, fucking Tanya
as she complied with my every whim. She didn't care if I bent her over the couch
or demanded that she suck me off while sitting in my office chair. She greedily
agreed to every position and every room of my house, as I eradicated the life I
had with Bella, thrust by thrust into the girl.

I was giddy with excitement, and that kept my stamina up as I fucked this girl
like a twenty-year old boy, not the thirty-six year old man I had grown into, not
that Tanya cared about my age even though I was sixteen years older than she.

The day passed into night, and I would take breaks from fucking the girl to rest
and recuperate. It was during one of those lulls of time that I discovered that
Tanya was greatly impressed with my wife.

"Your wife is beautiful," Tanya said off handedly, as she motioned toward the
picture of Bella and Seth that graced the wall of our living room, as she lounged
naked on our couch. I hadn't thought about Bella being beautiful in years at that
point, so her comment startled me.

"Uh, yeah, I guess," I mumbled, as Tanya grabbed another picture of Bella and
me that was on the end table beside her.

"I wonder what she would think of you like this," she remarked casually, as she
turned to me with a wide-eyed look that always made me doubt her intelligence.

"What do you mean?" I asked her, confused as to what she was getting at with
her comments.

"Well, I mean, look at this picture. You look so happy together, and yet here you
are with me in your house, fucking me like it's your last chance at pussy," she
said, with a quiet snicker at her own joke as she motioned toward the photo. We
were happy in that photo and so damn in love that it made others around us sick.

"Enough talk," I stammered, as I thought of Bella, alone at the bed and
breakfast, waiting for me, thinking that I was stuck at work. Instead, I was here
fucking a girl in my house just to get some high off of fucking her in my wife's
bed.

I grabbed Tanya by her hand and pulled her up off the couch and lead her back to
my bedroom, the one I shared with my wife. My heart pounded in my chest as I
opened the door and then pushed Tanya inside since there was no going back
now.

I ripped the covers off the bed to discover the navy blue sheets that I had bought
since they looked amazing next to Bella's skin. I found it to be fitting that I would
fuck this girl on the sheets I had bought to fuck my wife on. I was doing this to
punish her for her lack of concern for me.

Tanya was already naked, so I just shoved her face first into the bed and grabbed
her hips before lining myself up at her opening. I slid into her sopping wet pussy;
it was filled with cum after all the times I had fucked her already that day.

"Jesus, Edward, take it easy," she huffed at me, as she grimaced in pain from the
movement. Tanya had complained that she was sore, but I didn't care. This is
what I needed to do. I was driven to fuck her in my bed. I couldn't tell you why
at the time, but looking back I can now say I know why I needed that so badly. I
needed to fuck her in my marriage bed as a final fuck you to Bella. She had hurt
me, and now I would hurt her.

I pounded into Tanya hard, not caring that she was whining that it hurt as I
punished my wife for all the sins that I had heaped upon her. I would shift Tanya
into different positions as I continued to fuck her with wild abandon, yet nothing
was getting me closer to my finish. I pulled out of her and grabbed a shirt off the
chair nearby and wiped off her sopping pussy, thinking that it was just too wet for
me to even feel anything. In my heart, I knew that wasn't the reason. I wasn't
getting off, because in my heart I knew it was wrong. It was wrong to bring this
girl back to my house. It was wrong that I was even fucking with her to begin
with, but I couldn't stop now. The evil voice in my mind reminded me that
without her I would go back to nothing, with no one wanting me, and wasn't
better to be wanted by someone than to be wanted by no one at all?

After a few more moments of thrusting deep into Tanya's willing pussy, I pulled
out and grabbed the bottle of lube off of the chair. I had tossed it there when we
walked in the room to fuck. I decided to fuck her tight little ass, knowing that the
epic dirtiness of it would get me off quickly.

I slowed my thrusting as I poured the lube over Tanya's little asshole, rubbing it
a circular motion as Tanya jerked in surprise at my actions.

"It's ok, baby," I whispered to her in a ragged tone, as I was breathless from all
my excursions. I continued to fill her pussy slowly, as Tanya relaxed enough to
let me slip a finger into her tight little hole. We had anal sex in the past, but it
was not something that Tanya had enjoyed. She had done it because I had
demanded it, just like everything else when it came to my time with her.

"That's it, baby" I encouraged, as her ass seemed to open for me as I slipped out
of her wet pussy with ease, and she groaned from the lack of contact. I poured
the lube down my already wet dick and then slowly pushed into her tight little
ass. Tanya whined in pain, as I pushed past her opening. She had tightened it in
pain, trying to keep me out, as if that would stop me.

"Jesus, Eddie, I'm so fucking full it hurts," she moaned to me, as I watched her
arms shake to keep her upright. A quiver settled over her body while I invaded
her.

"Breathe, Tan, breathe me in, and I swear to god, it will be so fucking good," I
promised her with my golden tongue of lies, knowing that I could give a fuck if it
was good for her or not. I listened to Tanya's ragged breathing as she tried to
relax while slowly, inch, by inch, I slid my dick into her ass until I was all the way
inside of her with my balls brushing against her wet pussy.

I shifted us over a little and took hold of Tanya's hand as I gritted my teeth
against the tight sensation of being in her ass. Tanya groaned in what seemed to
be a mix of pleasure and pain. I brought her hand up to her pussy and combined
our fingers together so we were fingering her pussy as one large hand, and she
moaned softly from the distraction.

"Feel me," I whispered to her as I pushed our combined fingers inside of her,
brushing my hard dick that was buried in her ass from the other side of the thin
membrane that separated the space.

"Feel me inside of you," I whispered to her again, as I pushed our fingers deeper
into her pliable pussy that seemed to open up to take both our hands inside. Her
shaky fingers slipped along the outline of my hard dick causing me to hiss as I
remained motionless inside of her, allowing her to adjust to my size as I filled her
ass.

"Feel how wet you are from my cum," I whispered to her, moving our fingers
together, covering them in the sticky mess of cum while twisting them to graze
against her g-spot - causing her to shudder wildly. My dirty words and subtle
actions caused Tanya to relax enough so I could start to move slowly inside of
her.

"Fuck yourself with your pretty little fingers, baby, while I fuck your tight little
ass, baby," I said to her, pulling out of her ass almost completely, causing her to
groan in relief before I thrust inside of her again, earning myself a loud squeal of
pleasure and pain. Tanya's fingers worked frantically fingering herself while
slipping up to tweak her clit, trying to distract herself from the pain of my
invasion.

I soon forgot about Tanya's moans, as I lost myself to thrusting in and out of her
tight ass. I knew I wouldn't last as I watched myself disappear inside of her while
feeling her fingers caresses me from the inside as I filled her.

"Gonna cum in your ass," I managed to stutter through gritted teeth, as all my
focus settled on my dick glistening with lube as I pushed myself as deep inside of
her as I could. The burn of my orgasm came quick as I thrust erratically into her
ass, filling her with cum, as she half moaned and half cried beneath me.

I opened my eyes once I caught my breath; when I had cum I closed them from
the intense sensation of fucking her ass into completion. I looked down and found
myself still buried dick deep inside of Tanya while she lay quivering beneath me. I
heard her soft cry but it seemed far off.

"Are you okay?" I managed to ask her, as I moved to pull out of her slowly so I
could enjoy the show of me vacating her body. Before Tanya had a chance to say
a word, I heard a soft sob come from the door way. I turned slightly to find my
wife, Bella. She was standing there with her hand over her mouth in shock, as
she stared at me with horror in her eyes. She had caught me; pants down, dick
deep in another woman, and there was nothing I could've said in my defense.

EPOV

I looked across the room, and even though I couldn't see Bella, I could hear her
laughter. I could not think of the last time I had heard her laughing and the
sound of it made my chest ache as I thought about the day my affair was
discovered.

I remembered staring at Bella as she gawked at me in horror as I kneeled, naked
on the bed behind Tanya who was still moaning beneath me, unaware of my wife
who was standing in the doorway, watching our lewd display.

"Bella," I gasped as the air left my lungs in surprise. I was not expecting her to
come back home. I wasn't expecting her to be here at all, but yet here she was
creating my fall from grace.

Her brown eyes locked with mine for one split second before she dashed away
from the room as if the devil himself was chasing her. I heard a door slam down
the hall and the muffled sounds of what sounded like vomiting.

"Edward, what's going on?" Tanya asked me with all her gullibility staring up at
me from her baby blue eyes. I watched as she rolled over slowly, as if it hurt her
move and I had no doubt that it did after what I had done to her. She turned to
face me, kneeling in front of me so close that our knees were almost touching. I
looked at Tanya could see her youth and her susceptibility as she looked at me
with her trusting eyes.

"I need you to leave," I said simply as crawled away from her, as I looked for my
clothes only to remember that I had left them down stairs where I had discarded
them.

"But, Eddie you're my ride," Tanya said with a pout as she looked at me, unsure
of what to do now as I was ordering out.

"Yes, I know, but my wife is here," I replied as I pulled clean clothes out of my
drawer to slip on as I glanced back at her. I watched as her lovely face went pale
with the realization that we had been caught. It was the mere mention of my wife
that Tanya shot out of the bed and paced the room with a grimace on her face
from the sore muscles that she must have from our frenzied fucking of earlier,
only to dart out of the room once realizing that she had left her clothes down
stairs where she had entered the house.

I watched her walk out of the room rapidly and then listened to her descend the
stairs to the main level only to be greeted with screaming. It was Bella's voice
screaming such things as whore, slut, and useless home wrecker. I shook my
head as I realized that I had left Tanya to face my wife alone.

"Get out of my house you dirty whore," I heard Bella hiss in anger as I descended
the steps to find a naked Tanya cowering near the front door, sobbing
uncontrollably from Bella's words.

"I need my clothes," Tanya stuttered through her tears and snot from crying.

"Get out!" Bella screamed as she stepped closer to Tanya as if she would harm
her, causing Tanya to cowered deeper into the corner as she tried to convey
some sense of modesty by attempting to cover her breasts and pussy with her
hands. It was pointless since there was no hiding her nakedness or the smell of
sex that rolled off of her in waves as she moved away from Bella until her back
was pressed into the corner.

I stood at the bottom of the steps frozen at the display in front of me as I
watched Bella open the front door before grabbing Tanya by the wrist. I listened
to Tanya's begging for Bella to understand as she pulled her out of the corner
with strength that I had not seen from Bella before.

"You want me to understand and be reasonable," Bella yelled in disbelief as
Tanya tried to wiggle her way out of Bella's grip, but even from my distance I

could see there was no escape for Tanya. I stayed back, trying to avoid the scene
that Bella was creating with Tanya at our front door.

"I understand that you are fucking my husband in my house and because of that
I don't have to be reasonable!" Bella yelled at the top of her lungs in anger as she
shoved Tanya towards the glass screen door. I watched as Tanya struggled to get
away from her as she noticed that I was in room with them.

"Edward!" Tanya screamed as she looked at me for help, as I stood there
unmoving and uncertain as to what to do. I watched as Bella's head jerked as she
turned to look at me with what could only be hate in her eyes. It was a fire that I
had never seen before that was burning her up from the inside out. It was feral
and passionate, as if she was a caged animal ready to strike with her looking at
me the way she was.

Tanya took that moment of distraction to try to pull away, but it didn't work
instead Bella was able to twist her around so that her whole front of her body was
exposed to the neighbors that may have gathered to watch the horrible display
that was occurring at what had been our peaceful home.

"I didn't know he was married," Tanya sobbed brokenly, lying to my wife, as she
attempted to save herself from Bella's wrath by placing the entire blame at my
feet.

"Liar!" Bella screamed as she shoved her into the glass again while I watched,
frozen in place, knowing that Tanya would be out on our lawn, bare for the world
to see in another hard shove or two from my wife.

"I didn't!" Tanya cried as she grabbed at the door frame to try to stop from being
shoved out into the yard.

"Liar! You knew! Our pictures are all over this house! He is wearing his damn ring
while our wedding picture was by the bed he was fucking you in! Don't you dare
fucking lie to me!" Bella yelled in anger and then shoved her once more so that
the glass door came open causing Tanya to tumble out upon on brick steps naked
and crying.

"Stay away you filthy whore!" Bella screamed as she watched Tanya stumbled
upon her knees, trying to cover herself as our neighbors gawked at her
nakedness. She quickly shut and locked the door, leaving her to fend for herself
with nowhere to go and no clothes to put on since her clothes were scattered all
over the kitchen floor where I had left them.

I stood motionless as I watched Bella try to breathe, but her breathing was
coming in short gasps as if she could not get any air. I knew right away she was
having an asthma attack and would need her inhaler.

I grabbed for her purse as Tanya pounded on the front door pleading for mercy
and to be let back in. I ignored Tanya's pleas as I attempted to help my wife by
getting her inhaler, but Bella knocked me out of the way as she reached her
purse first dumping it in search of the inhaler while I watched the contents of it
scatter across the hard wood floor of our front room.

"Bella please let me…" I said as I stepped closer to her as I slowly reached to
take the inhaler out of her shaky hand in order to hold it so she could breathe in
the medicine she needed to try to regain her breath.

"Don't touch me," she gasped while she brought the inhaler up to her pouty pink
lips and puffed on it in effort to calm her breathing.

"Bella, I'm sorry," I stuttered as Tanya's pounding and sobbing became the audio
reminder of my indiscretions.

Bella remained silent as she refused to look at me, but instead looked about our
front room with a crazed look on her face. I watched as she noticed the pile of
pillows that I had built for comfort while fucking Tanya on her good velvet couch
and then she took in the coffee table with its contents spilled upon the floor form
when I cleared it off to use as leverage while fucking Tanya from behind. She
looked back me incredulously as she pieced together in her mind what had
happened while she absent and then raced to the kitchen while I sat down upon
the steps as despair washed over me since I knew what she would find there. She
would find my clothes and Tanya's clothes strewn about the room from where I
had fucked her on Bella's granite counter top. My heart started bleed as I listed to
Bella's high pitched cry of pain that morphed into dry heaves in the kitchen sink.
She knew. She knew it all and there was nothing I could say to change it or even
make it better.

I sat there, frozen in time, as I listened to my Bella waver back and forth
between wretched sobbing and dry heaves set in rhythmic time to the
caterwauling cries of begging for forgiveness from Tanya as I wondered how I
had created this mess. Slowly, I stood up and walked to the kitchen only to find
my wife leaning over the sink as she sobbed. I carefully extended my hand to
softly touch her back in a comforting manner that made her halt in her
movements as my hand laid heavy upon the small of her back.

"Don't touch me," she whispered in a ragged tone as she refused to look at me.

"Bella, look at me," I whispered, thinking that if I could just get her to look at me
I could smooth this over like at had done before with any of our large fights, but I
should have known better since this was no fight, this was me fucking some other
woman that wasn't my wife.

"No, I can't look at you. I can't stand who I'll see," she whispered in an uneven
tone as she looked out the window to our back yard so our eyes would not meet.
That simple statement from her in such a small voice pierced my heart with a
violent force that caused me to stumble back from her slightly.

"Bella, please," I managed to say as my numb fingers caressed her back softly in
a soothing manner that felt foreign to me while she grimaced under my touch. I
couldn't think of the last time that I had touched her to bring her comfort, hell, I
couldn't think of the last time I had even touched her.

"You…You… You…" she stammered as she tried to move away from me only to
start to dry heave once more. I waited for her to finish as I rubbed her back
softly, feeling her muscles heave and strain beneath my touch to purge herself of
whatever was left in her stomach until she finished.

"Stop touching me!" she screamed in anger as I jerked my hand away from her in
surprise from her outburst.

"How long?" she asked me as she found her voice once more. I knew what she
was asking, but I suddenly found myself not wanting to tell her. I had always
imagined this moment, the moment of telling Bella of my affair. I had imagined
feeling vindicated in being able to show her that I wanted by another. I had
imagined feeling powerful as I watched her crumble before me with regret, but
seeing her doubled over, dry heaving from nerves in between gasps from her
inhaler to allow her to breathe I felt none of that. There was no vindication. There
was no power to be found as I destroyed the woman whom I had promised

forever to. I was just another asshole husband who was caught cheating by their
wife. I had become what I had always mocked.

"I asked you how long?" she demanded from me as anger found its way back into
her tone.

"About a year," I whispered to her and then watched her lovely profile as she
closed her eyes and stifled a sob. I had never felt like a bigger dick than in that
moment of watching my wife struggle to keep it together in front of me. I
watched her breathe in and out as she tried to stop crying unsuccessfully as she
refused to look at me still.

"A year," she said in soft sob as she looked away from me, as if she was
embarrassed over her tears.

"So, all the nights you were staying late, it was her?" she asked me as I nodded
my head to confirm her suspicions since there was no need to lie to her about my
infidelity any longer.

"All the times you told me not to come to your office, you were having her come
to your office," she said with another soft sob as I nodded my head, feeling the
crushing guilt wash over me as she shook her head no at me.

"All the times you missed your son's games when you could have been there, you
were with her," she said, not looking at me and no longer even paying attention
to my admission of guilt.

"All the times you refused to make love to me was because you were too tired
from fucking her," she hissed at me as if the words were bitter in her mouth while
I looked at away, refusing to acknowledge her statement even though my heart
told her that it was true.

"You brought that whore to our house…" she stammered as I winced at her
words.

"You fucked that whore in my house," she said as her voice grew stronger as I
flinched at her angry tone. Bella turned quickly to face, shocking me since she
had been refusing to even look at me.

"You fucked her in our bed, Edward. Our bed!" she screamed at me and then
started swinging at me in a manic manner her angry blows landed on my chest,
my arms and finally my face. I couldn't stop her from hitting me because I knew I
deserved it. I deserved her anger and more as she slapped at me in fury.

"Bella, just let me…" I started to say, not even sure what I would say to finish
this thought.

"Just let you what? Finish? I watched you finish, asshole. I watched you fuck her
in the ass like the fucking deviate you are so what is it you are needing for me to
just let you now? Since I can't think of anything you could say to me that would
change what I have witnessed you doing today!" She screamed at me in anger as
she continued slapping at me in anger until she was spent from the emotion
pouring out of her. I watched as Bella's slapping slowed until she slowly slipped
down the counter until she was sitting upon our hardwood floor at my feet,
sobbing once more.

Bella was right. There was nothing I could say or do to change what she had
witnessed or what I had done. I slowly slipped down to sit in front of her in order
to plead my case even though I had no case to plead.

"Baby, please," I said softly as I moved closer to her to touch her arm, but at my
touch she flinched and screamed for me to leave her alone.

"Baby, please. Just let me touch you, let me explain," I whispered to her, but she
just shook her head no violently as if she could wish me away with her refusal to
listen to me. I moved closer to her and Bella brought her hand down to her side
to help push away from me, but there was nowhere for her to go.

"I'm sorry baby," I whispered to her as I brought my face closer until I could
press a kiss to her hot, tear stained check as she flinched under my touch. I
dragged my nose along her check, breathing in the scent that was Bella alone
until I reached her ear to place a soft kiss against its outer shell.

Bella turned slightly to look at me with her eyes blazing in anger. Her face was
contorted in anger as she met my gaze for the first time since seeing me in bed
with Tanya. Her eyes were ice cold and had a distant look about them that I had
never seen before. It was a look that shot fear through my system as she stared
at me in the silence of what had been our one time happy home.

We stared at each other with Bella's icy stare gazing into my soul, looking for
something within, but what that was I did not know. It was in that moment as
Bella searched my soul that the pounding on the front door resumed followed by
crying. It was Tanya, reminding me that she was still outside, naked and
humiliated from being tossed out of my house, not that I cared since the only
thing I cared about was in broken by my own hands sitting in front of me.

I watched the hardened mask of anger settle over Bella's features as Tanya's
caterwauling increased once more. It was hard look of hidden pain that stabbed
at my chest with its intensity.

"You better take your whore home before the police are called," Bella said in a
monotone that shocked me with how dead she sounded as she scrambled to
stand up and place some apace between us.

"I will be back," I said with calm, assurance as I scooped up Tanya's discarded
clothes as she looked away from me once more.

"No need to bother, Edward. I don't want you here anymore," she whispered as
she ran a hand over her face as if she was trying to collect herself. Her words
with their dead calm, confidence sliced through my heart since I knew with her
quiet, yet somber tone that she was serious.

I slowly turned to leave out the garage door, but before I left I looked back at my
wife as she stared out into our backyard as if the quiet forest that bordered our
back yard held some answers for the dilemma she was facing.

"I mean it. Don't come back. Go pack your bags and leave," she said with a
steady tone that scared me since never during our fights had Bella insisted that I
leave. Typically she would beg me not to go, but I would just leave her anyway
so this change, this demand for me to leave was new and terrifying.

"Bella…" I stammered as I looked at her, pleading with her as she refused to look
at me.

"Go, Edward. I don't want you here, and you don't want to be here either," she
said as she looked away from me while I stood there, holding the girls clothes
that I had stripped off just hours earlier when my life was better, easier.

"I love you," I whispered as I stood there, feeling the horror of guilt and
desperation settle over me as I watched her shake her head no as she laughed a
hiccupped filled laugh.

"No, you don't. If you did you would have been with me for the last year, not off
fucking some whore while pretending to be a work. Now, get the hell out of my
house and don't come back," she said with hard edge to her tone as she turned
her back towards me to leave me behind.

I stood by the garage door with Tanya's clothes in hand unsure if I should leave
or not, but after listening to Tanya's crying I knew I had no choice except to take
her home. I walked out to the garage, opening it to the outside to give Tanya
some coverage from the prying eyes of my neighbors.

I knew I could just not leave like what Bella had wanted even though there was
no reason for me to stay. I had wanted Bella to need me again. I had wanted her
to hurt for turning away from me, but now as I unlocked my car for a naked
Tanya to scurry inside as my neighbors watched my walk of shame to get into the
car next to her as she sobbed uncontrollably while trying to cover herself I knew I
had been wrong. I had been wrong all a long and because of my mistake I would
pay dearly.

EPOV

The party goers shifted, and I could finally see Bella. Our two years apart had
been kind to her. She looked amazing. She had cut her hair to sassy chin length
that brought out the wave in her hair making it almost appear curly. Her brown
eyes sparkled with laughter as she spoke with others. My chest fluttered to life as
I remembered when that look used to belong to me, but that was two years ago,
and too much hurt had passed between us since the last time her eyes sparkled
like that for me.

My wandered back to the night that Bella found out about my affair and how
everything changed so rapidly from that moment. One moment I was a married
man who was cheating on his wife and the next I was man fighting for his life.

I remembered silently driving a sobbing Tanya home. I had nothing to say to her.
What was there to say? So instead, I listened to sobs and her crying that she was
not a whore, and that I was at fault not her since I was the married one, not her.
I could not argue with her. I was the married one, and I had agreed to our times
together. Hell, I encouraged them. I went out of my way for them. I told myself I
was justified in doing it, but now as I look at my actions, I was not so sure,
especially after seeing how hurt Bella was by my careless actions.

I dropped Tanya off with no promise of the next phone call or a set time to meet
again. I told myself that I would not call her again, even though I knew that the
itch she scratched for me was not gone from my system.

The drive back to my house in the suburbs was long as I tried to call Bella on her
cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. It was when I had tried to call her
that I discovered that she had called me six times before coming back home. If I
had listened for my phone instead of being dick deep in Tanya all day, I could
have avoided this mess, and for that stupidity, I kicked myself.

It was an hour later that I pulled back into driveway of my empty looking home.
The lights were out causing it to look more haunted than lived in that night. I
silently crept into the house and looked around for Bella. My clothes, that I had

stripped off haphazardly in my rush to be inside of Tanya, were still on the
kitchen floor as I walked through the room seeking out my wife. The front room
was empty except for the contents of Bella's purse all over the floor. They were
mixed in with the magazines I had cleared off the table while thrusting into
Tanya. I checked my home office only to find it empty before taking a deep
breath as I ascended the stairs toward our bedroom.

I knew Bella would not be in there, but I could stop myself from looking in. I was
gawking at the scene of the crime. I had been so fucking giddy over the idea of
having Tanya here, that I had not thought about what would happen if I was
caught. I shook my head to clear my regret, as I opened the door to our room.
The room still reeked of sex as I stepped inside. I wondered if it was that smell
that had made Bella ill, or was it the sight of me fucking some girl here?

I kicked at the bed sheets strewn all over the floor, as I tried to think of reason
for my being with Tanya, but really there was no reason. I had done it because I
could. I had been with her because it was easy, and nothing was easy about
marriage or life. I had done it because it was exciting, and Bella had not been
exciting to me in years. Unfortunately, these were not reasons I could give Bella,
since they made no sense.

I looked around the room, knowing that I could not sleep here tonight. It was too
much, too raw. I walked out of the room, slowly closing the door behind me.

I continued down the hall, checking Seth's room and finding it empty. I was
starting to worry about where my wife was, when I checked the guest room at
the end of the hall. There I found a sleeping Bella, curled up into a ball in the
middle of the large bed that she had decorated in soothing tones to welcome any
guest we might have. This wasn't the first time I had forced my wife to sleep in
the guest room instead of our bed.

Her long, dark hair was wrapped around her in a crazed knot from her fitful sleep.
She looked small and frail as she lay there, exposed to the darkness that now
filled our home.

My eyes lingered over her luscious curves that I had always appreciated in the
most carnal way I could since we were sixteen, yet at that moment, I could not
think of the last time I had sex with my wife. I could think of every act of
pleasure I had with Tanya and every position that I had twisted her nimble body
into, but with Bella, I was drawing a blank. It had to be months since we had
been that intimate. If my memory served me correctly, it was a horrible
experience.

I had arrived home at two in the morning. I was late, but after my frustrating
night of managing overgrown egos of other doctors who were taking their turn in
the emergency room rotation, I needed release. I had called Tanya, and she had
met in the parking lot to suck me off in my car. I had fucked away my frustration
in Tanya's pink painted mouth, reveling in the minor victory that she could now
deep throat my entire dick without gagging from the length, before sending her
on her way so I could go home to sleep.

When I got home, I was not surprised to find Bella waiting for me since she
always waited for me. What did surprise me was to find her dressed in lingerie
with stocking and heels. She looked wanton and beautiful, but my anger took
over. All I could think about was how fucking her would be less sleep that I would
get since I was scheduled back in at the hospital in the morning.

I don't remember really greeting her with anything except a snarl before passing
straight by her for the shower. I needed to wash up before she found the hot pink

circle around the base of my dick where Tanya had deep throated me while I
came down her throat blissfully. I hated to wash the pink mark away since it, in a
sick manner, it was an award for Tanya finally learning how to take all of me in
her mouth without gagging.

I stood under the hot water as it washed over me, taking away the grime from
the hospital and the prized lipstick marks on my cock. I thought of Bella waiting
for me in our bedroom, and fury filled my system. I found myself irritated over
the thought of having sex with my own wife. I didn't want her. She was beautiful,
sure, but our sex life had been lacking. There was no connection any more, not
since I was fucking Tanya, anyway. The spark, the fire that had made our sex
lives something that had been legendary, had gone out, and I blamed Bella for it,
not the fact that I was fucking some girl sixteen years younger than my wife. It
was ludicrous, but in that moment, I was not about to take the blame for our
stalled sex life.

"Honey, I was hoping…" Bella said to me, as I entered the room with a towel
wrapped around my waist after my impromptu shower. My eyes met hers, and
she must have seen the anger in them. My withering look silenced her as she lay
upon the bed. In the past, I would have been rock hard and on top of her without
her asking by now.

"Jesus, Bella, I just got home, and I am tired," I hissed in anger at her as she sat
up on the bed, looking at me with embarrassment in her brown eyes.

"You know what I want? I wanted to sleep, but I guess that's not going to happen
since you want to fuck, and lord knows what the princess wants the princess
gets," I yelled mockingly at her, as she tried to shush me by reminding me that
Seth was sleeping down the hall.

"I don't give a fuck. It's not like he gives a fuck about me," I yelled at her in
anger as I watched her confused look morph into anger as I stalked closer to the
bed in anger.

"Well, maybe he would give a fuck if his father was around more," she said in an
angry tone that fanned the fire of my fury as I stood before. Her words hurt,
because I knew my heart she was right. Seth was a great kid who deserved more
from me, just as my wife did.

I dropped my towel to stand before her, naked and intimidating, as anger rolled
off me in waves. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, and it was that question
that was making me hard as I stood before her, not how incredibly sex she
looked in the lingerie that she was wearing. I pushed her back on the bed as she
attempted to stumble her way into standing with those damn heels on.

"Where do you think you're going? You wanted this, so come on," I said as she
shoved against me in anger.

"Yeah, well, not anymore, so get the hell out of my way," she said in an angry
huff as she pushed me once more, but I did not budge. Bella tried to move
around me, but I grabbed her and flopped her back down on the bed with a hard
thump.

"No, you wanted this and I know you. If I don't fuck you now, you won't stop
bitching at me until I do," I said in anger and crawled on to the bed almost on top
of her as she protested. My hands roamed her body roughly, jerking down the
cups of her corset to reveal ample breasts with their rose colored nipples standing
at attention for me. I groped her breasts roughly, squeezing them tight before
pinching her nipples, until she gasped in pain and pleasure.

Bella started to squirm away from me, so I held her down with one hand as the
other hand trailed over her stomach to her lace-covered pussy. I jerked at her
panties one handed as she tried to escape me until I had them tangled around
her thighs. Once they were around her thighs, I let go of her briefly to rip the
side apart, wrecking her panties and exposing her pussy to me before holding her
down again.

"Let me go," she whispered at me in a ragged breath as she struggled against
me, arching her body up against mine, not in pleasure, but in seeking her escape.

"Not a chance. I'm going to fuck you just like you wanted," I whispered to her as
I leaned forward and kissed her mouth with harsh force, knocking our teeth
together before plunging into her mouth with my tongue. My hand twisted and
pinched her breasts as they filled my hands nicely while my hard cock rubbed
against the silk of her corset covered belly.

I had forgotten how sweet her lips were, and that thought pissed me off. I should
never forget something like that. That was her fault as well.

I moved my mouth down along her jaw, nipping and licking as I went as she went
from shoving against me to trying to hold me off, but I didn't care. Nor did I stop.
I reached her breasts with ease as I pinned her small body beneath mine, freeing
my other hand to explore what was mine as well. I quickly sucked one of her pert
rose colored nipples into my mouth while my free hand pinched and tugged on
the other one, finally causing a reaction from the woman beneath me as she
arched her back up from the sensation of my assault.

I switched nipples, biting and sucking as my hand moved from tugging on her
spit covered erect nipple to sliding down to her hot pussy. Her nipple was an
angry shade of red after my bite, but I didn't feel the least bit bad about it.

The Bella I knew would be sopping wet and ready for me after such bold
behavior, but as I slipped a finger between her creamy pink folds I could feel that
she was barely wet.

"That's okay," I murmured reassuringly to her, as if she was aware of her lack of
desire, too, and probably was. I brought my fingers up to my mouth, licking the
wetness off them before sticking them back into my mouth. I covered them with
my own spit before plunging them inside of Bella's tight pussy. Bella gasped at
the surprise invasion, as I began to rapidly finger fuck her pussy until I felt her
wetness coat my fingers. This signaled me that she as ready as I twisted my
fingers inside of her, rubbing her g spot that I knew so well after years of sex
together. I listened to her pant and moan in pleasure or frustration. I buried my
face in her, as I continued to suck and nip at her exposed tits..

Once I could hear her wetness as I thrust my fingers inside of her, I stopped
abruptly and reared back, releasing her nipple with a loud pop as I did. I grabbed
her thighs and pulled her legs apart wide to expose her to me. It was a power
play on my part, but I didn't care. I wanted her to know that this act was nothing
about love.

I hooked my arms underneath her knees and pulled her up to me as I buried my
hard cock inside of her wet pussy. I was always amazed, that after sixteen years
of marriage and almost nineteen years of sex with woman, how good it felt to be
inside of her. She was wet, tight, and so fucking perfect that my eyes rolled back
in my head as I sunk into her with one swift thrust, filling her completely as she
let out a strangled moan.

It was that moan that pushed me on as I pulled her ass off the bed. I was fucking
her hard and deep. I closed my eyes at the sensation being inside of her, as I
thrust as deep as I could. I pulled her legs over my shoulder while listening to her
groan loudly. I opened my eyes and looked down at my wife who was watching
me with hazy eyes. These eyes did not hold lust as much as they held questions.
It was her questioning me that pissed me off even more.

"This is what you wanted," I said to her, unable to keep the anger out of my
voice as I fucked her viciously, and then laughed in an evil manner as I watched
her eyes roll in the back of her head as I hit her g spot over and over again. She
almost convulsed with the stimulation.

"This is what you wanted," I panted down at her, as I watched my dick stretch
and fill her underused pussy.

"You wanted my dick, and now you'll take it until I say so," I panted, as I felt my
balls tightening, announcing my pending orgasm over my own cruel and dirty
words.

I continued pounding into Bella, pushing harder and going deeper inside of her as
her moans filled the room. My dirty ranting about fucking her made me lose
control, made me cum inside of her until I saw stars.

I pulled out of her immediately and flopped down on the bed beside her without
ever looking at her face. The room was silent except the harsh tone of our
breathing as we struggled to find normalcy again.

I looked over at Bella, fully expecting her satisfied look, but instead was greeted
with a troubled look and concern shining in her brown eyes. Her concern made
me sick.

"What the hell is wrong with you," she asked in an uneven voice that made me
roll my eyes at her. This was chance to tell her about Tanya and my general
overall unhappiness in our marriage. This was my chance to tell her that I felt like
I was nothing but a pay check to her. This was the time I could have told her that
I missed her and hated her because she was never where I needed her to be.
This was my chance to try to fix everything, but the coward in me took over, and
I pushed her away instead.

"Me? What the hell is wrong with you?" I hissed at her, as she flinched at my
tone. This gave me the confidence to continue on my pointless cruel tirade.

"I just ask for you to fucking support me, and you can't even do that," I said, in
anger at her as she struggled to sit up to get away from me.

"I do support you," she said in a small voice that told me that her doubts were
helping me in my pursuit of hurting her.

"Really? When?" I asked her sarcastically, as she met my gaze with her bright
brown one.

"Was it support when I needed you to come to the fundraiser, and you refused?"
I asked her, like the smart ass I was, while knowing full well I had gotten mad at
her that night and left without her. I took Tanya instead of my wife, much to the
shock of my co workers. Then later in the evening, after partaking in the open
bar, I fucked Tanya in the coat closet, not caring who saw my lewd display of
disrespect towards my wife. I was amazed that no one had told Bella about that
night, but they hadn't yet. Maybe it was that no one wanted to break her heart,
so they left it for me to do.

"You didn't want me there," she said with a sad, small voice that made me feel
triumphant in my efforts to turn around my ill doings so we could focus only on
Bella.

"I did, and you refused just like always. And now, tonight I just wanted to fucking
sleep, but that wasn't good enough for you. Are you happy? Are you fucking
satisfied now? Because tomorrow I will be so damn tired I won't be able to
function. Does that make you happy to know that you've already fucked me over
for tomorrow?" I demanded from her, as I watched the tears form in her eyes,
making them appear glassy.

"Damn it Bella, I need your support, and you just fucking refuse to give it!" I
yelled at her as the tears started to fall while she whispered her soft apologies
over and over again to me as she sat there. I turned away from her and shut off
the light on my bed stand, as I lay back, bare and victorious on top of our bed.

I closed my eyes and listened to her sniffling as she stifled her tears.

"If you're going to cry, go sleep in the guest room since I don't want to hear it," I
said coldly, as I rolled away from her warm little form. I closed my eyes and
listened to her sniffle once more before slipping out of bed and then finally
leaving me alone in our room.

I never checked on her that night. I never asked her the next day if I had hurt
her or if she was fine. I never followed up with Bella at all, even though she took
it upon herself to start writing me love notes for my lunch after that night. I had
only ever read one of them. It was a simple statement of I love you and will do
anything to show you that. I remember how I snickered at her sentiment since
my outrage caused her to back off a bit, allowing me more time with Tanya.

I found myself watching my wife as she slept, and I could not think of the last
time I had done that. She was amazingly beautiful with her wide hips from
birthing our son and her full breasts, but looking at her now, I could see that she
was thinner than she had been in a long time. It was disturbing to see her so
thin, and I wondered what crash diet she had forced herself on to get to this
level.

I glanced over at the nightstand and discovered a prescription bottle. I had no
idea that Bella was on any type of medicine, but then again, I could not
remember the last real conversation I had with wife that was not filled with my
anger.

I grabbed the bottle and discovered that it was prescription sleeping pills written
to Bella by my father. He had no fucking business writing her prescriptions
without consulting me. I slowly left Bella to her unrestful sleep as I tried to back
out of the guest room, only to stop as Bella cried in her sleep.

I couldn't make out the words that she was saying, but I knew her tears, her
pain, were entirely my fault. I had hurt her with my actions, but I was sure that I
was right in my pursuit of fucking Tanya. Looking at her so broken, though, made
me wonder if I was wrong all along.

I couldn't sleep in my own bed that night. It smelled of sex and Tanya, and at
that moment, I only wanted my wife. I wanted her softness and her sweet lips. I
watched her sleep knowing that I would have to correct this. As I tried to imagine
my life without her, I couldn't; she was just too much a part of my life for me to
lose over my own idiocy.

I curled into the bed next to Bella, holding her to me as I whispered my apologies
over and over again in her ear. She was too far into sleep to respond to my
words, though. Still - I pressed my face into her dark hair and breathed in the
sweet smell of her coconut scented shampoo as I willed myself to sleep, to savor
the moment of holding Bella to me. I knew that I may have squandered that
opportunity forever.

~*~

I watched Bella step out of the crowd and stand there with a smirk upon her face
as she looked in my direction. I watched with a smile as she brushed at her much
shorter hair. It made her look flirtatious as she tried unsuccessfully to push it out
of her eyes. I found myself smiling back at her. I watched a smile tease her rose
colored lips as she placed her hands upon her hips that were made to be
grabbed.

She was stunning. No other woman in the room could compare to her beauty,
and the knowledge of that caused a pang within my heart. I knew I had foolishly
lost it. My eye roamed over her womanly figure with her soft curves. They were
highlighted by the snug blue dress that hugged her body as if it was made for
her. My dick twitched as I thought about all the nights I would peel her out of
whatever sexy dress she had worn to whatever function I had needed her by my
side at before taking her to our bed. My memory was the only was the only thing
I had left of her and our time together.

I thought of the weeks after my affair was discovered and how pain filled they
were for everyone involved. My parents were so disappointed in me. They refused
to talk to me but spoke to Bella instead. I tried not to feel jealous of their
devotion to her, but that was near impossible. I was their fucking son. I was the
one they should be supporting, not Bella. I told my father this via a drunken voice
message that I did not truly remember leaving until he called me the following
day to set up a time to talk.

Carlisle Cullen was good at several things, but combining his life and his career
without failing in either was probably the one he was most proud of. As his son, I
had always looked up to him and tried my hardest to emulate his amazing
devotion to both, only to fail miserably in my pursuit of it. Looking back at the
situation, I was not sure who was more embarrassed by my behavior, him or me.
The only thing I knew for sure was that he was more vocal with his disapproval of
my choices than our loved ones ever knew.

I remember our conversation about my fuck up as if it had happened yesterday.

"Edward," my father called to me, as I walked down the hospital corridor. I had
been avoiding him ever since my drunken voicemail when I had informed him
that he was horrible father to side with Bella instead of me.

I had not been expecting him, and so I tried to act like I could not hear him as he
called to me. I picked up my pace in an effort to lose him in the crowded maze of
hallways.

"Edward Cullen!" he yelled after me, causing several people to turn and stare at
me as I hurriedly walked. It was only then that I stopped in my tracks. With a
tight smile, I turned slowly to face him. I watched my father approach.

"Hey dad," I called, in a fake pleasant tone as I waited for him to reach me. Dad
was my height, and while I had inherited his facial features, his hair was blonde
and trimmed properly, while mine always seemed out of control no matter what I
did to it.

"Jesus, Edward, can you try to act like an adult?" he hissed at me under his
breath before turning to smile at the group of nurses at the nurses' station. They
had stopped working to stare at us. Everyone knew about my cheating and
Bella's attempts to kick me out of my house. It was fodder for the gossip
mongers, so being caught in the hallway by my father would just add to it.
Everyone loved my dad. The entire nursing staff was waiting to find out what his
response would be to my dalliances.

"Can we talk in private?" he asked me, as he smiled tightly at me and nodded
toward the women watching us. I agreed and motioned him toward my small
office at the end of the hall. We walked in silence, and for the first time since I
was eighteen, I was actually scared of what my father thought of me.

I opened my office door and let my father enter before me, as I glanced back
down the hall. The group of nurses had moved to watch us with curiosity. Yes,
Dad's visit to see me would make the ladies gossip especially juicy today.

I walked in and closed the door behind me, trapping myself in the small room
with my father.

"Well, this visit was unexpected," I said in the most casual tone I could muster up
under the circumstances.

"Where are you staying?" he asked me in a harsh tone as his eyes scanned me
over. I moved around him to sit at my desk. I had told Bella I had moved back in
with my parents when I had begged her to forgive me, but the truth was I had
been staying at Tanya's place. She welcomed me with open arms after Bella had
tossed my clothes out on the front lawn while I had been at work overnight.

"What does it matter?" I asked him, as I poured myself some coffee from the
small pot I had brewed in my office earlier.

"Just answer the damn question, Edward," he said, as he growled in irritation, but
that did not faze me at all. After weeks of silence from my parents, I had told
myself that their opinion did not matter, even though I was dying inside over the
anger in his eyes as he looked at me.

"Well, after my wife tossed me out, I found another place to stay," I said, with a
smart assed smile. My father scrubbed his face with his hand in frustration.

"You're staying with the girl who helped you wreck your marriage," he said as a
statement, not a question.

"Well, your mother won't lie for you anymore, so I hope that you know what you
are doing," my dad said. He stood up as if he washing his hands of the mess I
had created. I looked at his face, and I could see the disappointment etched
deeply on it. It hurt to see that look there and know that I had caused it. It was
that look that caused me to break.

"What do you want me to?" I asked him in anger, honestly hurting and lost over
how in the hell to proceed with my life from here.

"Do you love your wife?" he asked me. I was startled by his question. It seemed
so out of the blue considering the fucked up situation I was in. I looked over at
the picture of Bella. It was still on my desk. I couldn't bring myself to put it away,
it hurt too much to do it.

Did I love Bella? I did. I still loved her, but everything was so messed up. I
nodded and watched my father breathe a sigh of relief.

"Then act like it, son" he said, as he looked at me with a sad look.

"Marriage is hard, Edward. People grow and change. During this span of your life,
it's easy to get caught up in your job and raising children," my father rambled as
he looked at me, pleading with me to understand what he was trying to tell me.

"I know Dad," I said, but he waved me off trying to silence me as he shook his
head at me.

"No, you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be in the mess you are in," he said, as he
met my eyes in with a sad look.

"If you love your wife like you claim, you'd try to earn her forgiveness to save
your marriage, but instead you have shacked up with the girl you've been fucking
on the side," he said, shocking me with his language since Dad never cussed.

"Bella deserves better than this, and you know it. Your son deserves better than
this," he said in a knowing voice that shamed me into looking away. I know they
both deserved better than the treatment I had given them.

"When's the last time you even saw Seth?" he asked me, driving that shame into
me even further since it had been weeks since I had last seen him.

"When's the last time you spoke to him?" he asked me in a calm tone as I rolled
my eyes since he had to know that the last time I spoke to my son was the
weekend that I had been caught fucking Tanya. And even then, it was only to tell
him where he had messed up in mowing the yard that I was too busy to mow. I
was a horrible father.

"Edward, I'm just saying, if you love Bella and Seth, you'll fight for them. You'll
do what it takes to make this…" Dad said in a strong tone that made me take
notice until he was interrupted by my office door opening.

"Hey, baby, sorry I missed your phone call, but I'm here now with your lunch
special," Tanya said, with a suggestive giggle as she pushed open the door. She
was wearing a short, trench style coat that was open, displaying that she was
only wearing a pink lace bra and panties underneath it.

It took one moment for her to realize that I had a guest in my office before she
jumped in surprise, closing her coat while cinching the waist tight. I looked over
at father who eyed Tanya with a critical eye as Tanya blushed and stuttered in
embarrassment.

"Tanya, this is my father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Dad, this is Tanya Denali," I said, as
I motioned between the two of them helplessly as awkwardness descended upon
us.

Dad didn't say anything to Tanya; instead he looked at me with fire in his ice blue
eyes that I had never seen before.

"Wonderful, Edward, just fucking wonderful. How old is she?" he demanded from
me as Tanya stuttered an explanation that she had just turned twenty before
making a comment about dad being a doctor as well. Her comments made her
sound childish, and I cringed as she spoke to my father, even though he would
not acknowledge her directly.

"She's four years older than your son, for Christ's sake!" he yelled at me, causing
the picture on my wall to shake as I flinched. Tanya teared up over his display.

"Fine, son. You are on your own, and since you know so fucking much, I won't
remind you that divorce will cost you dearly. It will cost you your family, but I can
see that the idea of that loss doesn't affect you, so maybe this will. It will cost
you more than half of everything you have. You do remember how Bella quit
college to support you and even now is only working part time so she can be
available to you? You have benefited at every turn of your marriage while Bella
had suffered, and don't think that won't be taken into consideration when it
comes time for alimony for her. Plus don't forget child support for Seth.
Everything that you have worked for is about to go down the drain, so think
about that when you are enjoying your special lunch," he said in a harsh tone as
he stood up to leave me and Tanya. Dad turned and did not look back at me,
side-stepping a crying Tanya as he left my office in an angry huff.

After that talk with Dad, I realized that I had a decision to make. I had to decide
if I wanted to fight for my family. It should have been an easy choice, yet it
wasn't for me. I knew the odds of ever getting them back were against me. The
easier path would have been to let them go, to let Bella go, but the idea of
another man touching my wife made me ill. It was hypocritical, but I could not
change my reaction to that thought. I would get sick to my stomach every time I
thought of another man making love to my wife. It was the image of another man
that spurred me into action to try to win them back.

I started my campaign to win my family back by calling Bella. I would call her
nightly and over every break. It took time before she would stay on the line with
me, but once she did, I told her over and over again how sorry I was and how I
loved her. It was awkward. Bella would remain so silent as I spoke, spilling my
heart to her, but I took it as a good sign that she wasn't hanging up on me on the
call.

I convinced Bella that we needed counseling, and that I would do whatever the
counselor suggested to save our marriage. I only wanted her and Seth back in
my life. She warily agreed, and soon I found myself sitting on a leather couch
twice a week baring my soul to a complete stranger in order to gain back my
wife's trust.

I had moved out of Tanya's place and in with my parents as I started counseling,
explaining to her that I needed my family. I hadn't ended things with her yet. I
couldn't seem to do it, for some reason, so I chose the easier way to deal with
her. I chose to avoid her. I dodged her phone calls. I didn't return her text
messages. I just stopped calling her. It was just easier that way.

While in counseling, Bella remained quiet as I spilled my guts to them both. She
would watch me with sad eyes as I tried to explain why I cheated on her. I
listened to my explanation of my behavior, and even in my ears, it sounded lame.
There was no reason to hurt my wife the way I did except that I was a horrible
man who was self-consumed.

I was able to talk Bella into allowing me to move back home. I told her how much
I missed her and Seth. I told her that I wanted us to be a family again, and
honestly, I did. I could see the reluctance in her brown eyes when she agreed to
let me back home. But I promised her I would sleep in a bedroom other than
hers, and she agreed to that arrangement.

My first night back at home, I discovered that Bella had moved to the guest
room, leaving the main bedroom open to me. I couldn't say I blamed her after
what she had found me doing in there with Tanya.

"Hey Bella, thanks for letting back home," I said to her over dinner, as we ate in
silence. Seth was staying over with friends. Bella never really spoke to me
anymore, so I was surprised by the tight smile she gave me and the nod of her
head in acknowledgement. I missed her voice. I missed her laughter.

"So, how was your day?" I asked her, hoping like hell that she would talk to me,
but she remained silent instead. That silence fueled my anger.

"Damn it, Bella! I'm trying here! Would you give me a fucking break?" I yelled at
her, as I pounded my fist down on the wooden dining room table.

"You think you deserve a break?" she screamed at me in anger so hot that it
burned to be that close.

"You caused this, Edward! So you don't get to yell at me!" she screamed, as I sat
there stunned by her outburst. She was right. I had caused it. I had brought this
upon our marriage. I had been the selfish one. I had caused everything.

"You're right, but, damn it, Bella, I'm trying. I love you and want you back. I
want us back. Please let me try," I pleaded with her, as I moved so that I was
kneeling in front of her as she sat upon the dining room chair.

"Please know that I only ever wanted you, and yes, I was so fucking stupid, but I
will do everything in my power to make up for my mistake. I will spend the rest
of my life trying to fix what I fucked up. I will spend the rest of my life showing
you how much I love you and how I will never hurt you like that again," I said, as
I gripped her knees in my arms as she watched me with tears in her brown eyes.

"Please, Bella," I whispered to her, hoping like hell she could see that I only
wanted her. It was the truth. I did only want her, and it took my affair, as well as
our time apart, to discover that.

I couldn't tell her that while I exiled from the house, I stayed with Tanya and
staying with her showed me how much I missed my wife. It was the little things
that caused me to miss her, like the scent of her shampoo or the fact that Tanya
never cared enough to wake up to greet me as I came home after my night shift.
Then it was the big things that I missed, like how soft Bella was or how she would
hold me when I was upset. I missed her laughter. I missed the inane stories
about her coworkers from the bank. I missed everything about her, and it was
that empty feeling that gave me incentive to work harder toward saving what
scraps of our marriage I could.

"Please, Bella," I cried, as I clung to her, hoping that she understood my
remorse. I knew she probably didn't. How could she? She was the victim in this
mess, not me.

I was ready to call defeat, when I felt the slow, soft movements of Bella's fingers
through my hair. She was scratching my scalp in the same soothing manner that
she had done countless times before throughout our years together. I moved
slightly, not wanting to break whatever spell had fallen over her, yet I needed to
see her face. I needed to know if she was doing this out of pity or love.

"Bella," I whispered softly, as I looked up and found silent tears falling down her
cheeks. She met my gaze with fear and uncertainty. I could not help but smile at
her. While I knew this wasn't the forgiveness I was seeking, it was a start.

~*~

I watched as Bella's smile widened for a brief moment, I thought that maybe she
was smiling for me, but then from behind me, our son Seth stepped into view and
raced to hug his mother tightly. I watched them from a distance and even from
where I stood it was obvious that Seth adored her just like any good son would.
Bella was a fantastic mother. Seth and Bella had always been especially close
while I had always been somewhat of an outsider to their inner circle. Perhaps it
was all the long hours I had put in at the hospital over the years that caused that
distance, but maybe it was them not inviting me in.

I observed the loving display for a moment before turning away to avoid the
uneasy feeling I would get in my stomach as I watched my family move on
without me. I scanned the crowd for anyone else that I might talk to in order to
avoid my "once" family as I thought back to what had gone wrong that caused
me to be here like this.

The night that Bella touched me was one that I had viewed as our start over. I
reveled in her touching me until I could not stop myself from touching her as
well. I had inched my hands along her legs until I had them wrapped around her
waist, tugging her off the chair so she was on her knees in front of me. I pulled
her close into a tight embrace with her tear stained face pressed into my chest as
I found myself crying into her dark hair that hung loosely around her shoulders.
It was a beautiful and tragic moment as we clung to each other in the shattered
remains of what was left of our marriage. When I pulled away from her slight
frame just to look at her face and found the mixture of uncertainty and another
emotion that I could not name swirling in her deep amber eyes, I knew we had a
chance.

It was after that night that I was invited back into Bella's bed. Well, sort of. She
had left her door unlocked and I took that as an invitation to join her. She was
still sleeping in the guest room and that was fine by me. I had not ventured back
into what had been our bedroom since the night I was caught with Tanya. I had
been sleeping in the hallway by Bella's door listening to her cries at night over
nightmares that I had caused. It seemed a suitable punishment for me even
though it was really Bella who was paying the price for my misdeeds.

Slowly, ever so slowly Bella allowed me close to her once more. At first it was
merely allowing me in the bed beside her. She claimed this allowance was
because she found me on the floor in the hallway and I had refused to leave
because I knew she needed me. I didn't care as long as I was allowed beside her
once more.

I pushed the boundaries that Bella tried to establish with me. I touched her when
she had asked me not to. I would kiss her cheek good night when she had stated
no kissing. I would hug and hold her close when she had a bad dream even
though she would pull away from me when she was more coherent. I knew that
eventually she would let me in again so I waited patiently for that precious
moment.

It wasn't just Bella I was working hard to win over; there was also Seth. He was
sixteen and he knew exactly what had happened even though we both had tried
to keep it from him. I guessed that my brother Emmett or maybe his wife Rosalie
told him since he spent all his free time with them when I was around.

I would try to engage him in conversation, and when his mother was around he
would respond. He would give short, snippy answers, but he would at least
respond to me. When Bella wasn't lingering around us he would be cold, even
cruel with his comments, putting me in my place for hurting his mother the way I
did.

"I don't know why you are even trying," he said to me as we sat at the dining
room table waiting for Bella to return with whatever dessert she had made that
night. I looked at my son and marveled over how much the expression on his
face resembled Bella's when she was troubled. People would always comment
over how much he looked like me with his crazed hair that was a shade darker
than my auburn hair and the same green eyes, but I could only ever see Bella
when I looked at him.

"What do you mean?" I asked him as I tried to figure out his train of thought and
where this conversation would lead us.

"I mean, I know what you did. I know how you hurt mom and while she may
want to forgive you, I don't," he said in a slow whisper since he knew his mother
would be returning. I watched him glance over his shoulder to see if his mother
was nearby and she wasn't.

"If you hurt her again we're done," he said with such finality to me that it gave
me chills. I knew that he meant it. There would be no going back for him and me
if I failed his mother.

"Seth, I love your mom and it was a horrible mistake that I made," I said as I
willed him to look me in the eye so he could see the sincerity of my statement
and my devotion to Bella. His green eyes met mine. I could see that he doubted
me. He believed that I would hurt his mother again and his words were a warning
for me.

It was later that night after Seth left me speechless at the dinner table that Bella
led me back to what was now our room. She had been allowing me to touch her
and I wanted more. I wanted my wife again and I needed her to know that. I had
jumped through every hoop she placed in front of me. I had made my life an
open book. I had called and allowed her to time me to and from work to show
that I was not going anywhere but home and work. She met me for lunches and I
called over breaks to show that I was alone just like I should be. I had done
everything within my power to show her that I was committed to saving our
marriage. I had even gone to the doctor and gotten a clean bill of health like she
had requested since she was consumed by the idea that Tanya had given me
some horrible venereal disease. Thankfully, she hadn't.

I pulled Bella towards our bed with the expectation that I would make love to my
wife. I planned on worshipping her body to wipe the images of our last time
together from her memory.

I grabbed her by her waist and tugged on her shirt as I wrapped my arms around
her. Bella stopped me immediately.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a tinge of panic in her voice as she pulled
her blouse back down to cover her stomach.

"I am going to make love to my wife," I murmured in my best seductive tone, the
one that used to make her melt against me. This time, however, I was
disappointed to find it had no effect.

"No, I'm not ready for that," she stammered as she untangled herself from my
embrace. I was shocked by her statement and sudden withdrawal from my arms.

"But…" I stammered like a fool as I tugged on her hips to pull her close once
more. I knew if I could just touch her I could convince her that she needed me
like I needed her.

"Edward, I'm not ready for that," she said in a more firm tone as if she was
talking to a child. That tone pissed me off. I was not a child; I was her husband
and I was tired of waiting for her.

"Well, when do you think you will be ready for it?" I asked her in a sarcastic tone
as my anger flared white hot as I looked at her. I could see the instant change in
her demeanor as the words flew out of my mouth. Her defenses went up
immediately and I could feel the chill of being shut out wash over me in the small
bedroom.

"I don't know. Maybe never," she said as I growled in frustration over her simple
statement.

"What!" I yelled in anger as Bella stood in front of me, not flinching or cowering
in any manner.

"I have jumped through every hoop you've demanded from me! I've done
everything that was asked!" I screamed in a fit of anger at her as she held her
ground in front me.

"You also fucked some whore for a year behind my back and only confessed
because I caught you with your dick up her ass! So don't tell me about all the
hoops that you've jumped through because you created this mess!" She yelled at
me as I watched her flush red with anger.

She was right. I had caused it. I had created the mess and now all I wanted to do
was to forget, but Bella refused to comply. She constantly reminded me of her
lack of trust and how I had messed up our marriage. I said I was sorry so many
times, yet it didn't seem to make a difference to Bella. It was as if she was
refusing to forgive me and I could not understand why. If she wanted me gone
then why keep me here? If she was done with our marriage then why torture me
over it?

"Bella?" I asked her as silence of the room seemed to swallow us whole.

"Why?" I asked her, needing to know why we were even trying if it all was
pointless.

"Why what?" she asked me looking confused for a moment as she stepped back
from me once more.

"Why are we here? Why do you love me?" I asked her, sounding unstable even to
my own ears.

"I can't answer why we are here except that we have too much history not to try
to save our marriage. I mean, we've been together since we were sixteen and I
cannot imagine my life without you in it," she said with a sadness that did not
escape me and made my heart ache. She paused to take a deep, yet shaky
breath before continuing on.

"I love you because I was made to, Edward. I was born to love you and I can't
imagine it any other way," she said softly as she looked at me with her tear filled
brown eyes as if it hurt her to love me.

"I love you too," I whispered back to her as I took hold of her hand in mine. It did
not escape my attention that her loving me was hurting her. As much as I wanted
to hate that I was hurting her I couldn't because I didn't care as long as she still
felt something for me.

The weekly meetings with our counselor continued on and as they did Bella began
to speak. She told me how deeply I had hurt her. She reminded me how she had
often felt lost and lonely, but never sought out the company of other men, even
though the opportunities for such indiscretions were there. It hurt to hear that
she had chances with other men, but I understood why. Bella was young and
beautiful. She was sexy, even sexier than what she realized with her curvy figure
and ample breasts. I was thankful that she had not strayed and told her this
repeatedly. It would have killed me to have another man touch my wife.
Whenever I would say this she would just shake her head at my hypocrisy before
moving on in the conversation.

It was during my one on one session with the counselor that I revealed that I had
never truly ended things with Tanya. He was pleased I was not in contact with
her, but said that I needed to make sure that there was no going back. He told
me that I needed to be an adult in that relationship, that I needed to contact
Tanya to advise her that we were through. It seemed like an odd thing to do
since I would assume that after weeks of no contact she would be well aware that
we were done. But, according to the counselor she may just be waiting for me to
make my move once more, so I agreed to do this.

I called Tanya while at work since I knew Bella would not approve of my meeting
her. The counselor had suggested taking Bella with me as I broke things off with
Tanya, but I couldn't do that. I told Bella that I had already ended things with
her. It was lie, but when I told Bella that I didn't think that it would matter or
that she would find out.

"Edward!" Tanya said in a happy tone as she finally answered her phone. She
sounded so excited to hear from me with her joyful exuerberance over my phone
call.

"Tanya, I would like to arrange meeting to talk," I stated in a professional
manner that made her giggle like a naughty girl as I spoke.

"Oh, I would like to meet up to talk as well," she said in a breathy, seductive tone
that made my dick twitch in my pants as my mind conjured up the image of my
dick sliding in and out between Tanya's pink painted lips. The thought of that
made me hard even though I tried to reign in my lust for the girl since I knew
there was nothing I could do about it.

"No Tan, it would just be talking," I stressed as I thought of my counselor and
how he coached me over this call. He had reminded me not to let Tanya take
control and not to allow myself to act upon my baser instincts.

"Are you sure? Because I can't think of any time that we just talked?" she teased
as I closed my eyes at the sound of her voice dripping with sex. I told myself I
didn't want her, that it was just the simple fact that I had not had sex in months
that was causing this reaction.

"I'm positive. Just talking, that's it," I restated firmly as I did an internal fist
pump over my show of strength.

I made my plans with Tanya. I did as I was instructed. I chose a public setting for
our meeting so that there was a decreased chance of anything leading to sex. I
called the counselor for a quick pep talk and then I called Bella that night since I
was meeting Tanya after work. She did not suspect a thing since she knew that
every Thursday night I covered the lead doctors' break before going home for the
night. She had seen the time difference. She had been to the hospital and
confirmed it not only with the scheduling board but also with the bitchy nursing
staff. They would be more than happy to rat my ass out to Bella over any

discrepancies in my schedule. What Bella didn't know was that once a month I
was not needed and that this allowed me ninety minutes before I was expected
home. It would be during these ninety minutes that I would end things properly
with Tanya.

I remember feeling nervous. I had never broken up with someone before. In high
school there was one girl before Bella and she broke up with me to date some
guy on the football team. I don't remember much about it since I had already
moved on to Bella by that time so I was happy not to have to do anything to
begin with. It was simple, just the way I liked it.

This thing with Tanya was different since I had started it. I could have ignored
her girlish flirting, but I didn't. I could have told her no, but I didn't. I encouraged
her and when we finally started having sex I used her countless times. I fucked
her every way possible, not caring if she liked it or if she even felt good. By all
rights Tanya should hate me as much as my wife probably did, but she didn't.
She was excited to see me even though I had said that there would be no sex. It
was odd and flattering, but I reminded myself it was that weird flattery that had
gotten me in this fucked up situation to begin with.

At the end of the night I walked out of the hospital and headed to the coffee shop
that I had told Tanya to meet me. It was close to the hospital and close to
parking so there was no need for me to move my car just in case Bella happened
to drive by, not that I was expecting her to do that since she was with my mother
that night.

While I walked to the shop I reflected on my life and honestly life with Bella had
gotten better since our fight over sex. She was trying and so was I. I tried to
remember that I had hurt her and that there wasn't an easy fix for it no matter
what I wanted for us. It was frustrating to be so close to her and yet not be able
to fuck her, but I told myself that our intimacy would return with time.

I reached the coffee shop and quickly stepped inside to get out of the wet night
air. The place was packed with college kids and older patrons since it was open
mic night. Bella used to love open mic night. We would see Seattle's best acoustic
performers without a cover charge.

I was standing in line when I felt a hand slither along my side until it caressed my
stomach before dipping lower to stroke my cock. This slight touch teamed with
weeks of neglect caused my cock to jump to attention.

"Hello, Edward," I heard Tanya whisper all breathy in my ear as she pressed close
to me. The coffee shop was packed and the line for ordering was incredibly long.
People were pressed together in the cramped space which gave Tanya the
coverage to stroke my dick over my scrubs basically undetected by the other
patrons.

"Tanya, stop," I replied softly, knowing that I needed her to stop touching me,
but hoping like hell that she wouldn't.

"Come with me," she breathed as she made one last pass over my cock teasingly
before she took hold of my hand to drag me out of the line.

I knew where we were headed before she pushed me down the dimly lit hallway
to the ladies room. I tried to tell her no as she shoved me inside of the small two
stall bathroom with a gentle flick of her wrist, but the words would not come out.

I knew it was now or never. I could stop her or I could go forward with what was
about to happen. I watched as Tanya dropped to her knees on to the somewhat

clean tiles of the coffee shop restroom. It was very reminiscent of our first time
together.

"I have missed this," I heard Tanya say in a giddy tone that sounded like it was
coming from the other end of a cavern. She pulled my scrubs down to reveal my
boxers with my dick straining against the fabric to break free.

"I don't think…" I stammered as I brought my hand down to block my hard dick
as she pressed an open mouth kiss against the cotton that separated my dick
from her warm mouth.

"Then don't think," she responded as she tugged my boxers down and my dick
sprang free as if it had a mind of its own. I couldn't speak or breathe or even
move as I watched her pink lacquered mouth open as her velvet tongue came out
to lick the dribble of precum of the tip off my cock.

I should have stopped her. I should have said no, but the moment her wet, hot
mouth engulfed my dick, I was gone. It had been so long since I felt anything
except my own hand and her mouth was like a hot, wet heaven. I groaned as
Tanya deep throated me inch by inch while holding my eye contact. She had a
look in her eyes that was a challenge to me. She was challenging me to tell her
no and for the life of me I couldn't. I was too weak.

I closed my eyes as she sucked and licked at my dick while I groaned loudly in
pleasure. I could not think. I could not think of why I needed to tell her no as my
rational mind had gone blank from the pleasure I was receiving from the girl.

Tanya pulled away, releasing me dick from her mouth with a loud pop as I
pleaded in unintelligible words for her to finish the job she started. I watched her
stand up slowly while never missing a beat as she pumped my dick with her
hand.

"I don't want to wait," she whispered to me with an evil smile as she tugged me
along by my aching dick until we were inside of one of the bathroom stalls.

Once inside I jerked her skirt up to reveal her bare ass. She had chosen not to
wear panties. I could not hold back the loud groan as I watched her brace herself
against the wall with her hands as she presented herself to me while whispering
how much she had missed me. It was too much and the battle between my
aching dick and my limited conscience was short as I positioned myself behind
her to thrust home.

I took my dick in my hand and slid it along her wet pussy, rubbing her clit in the
process triggering a deep moan from the girl in front of me that was so willing to
let me fuck in her a public restroom. She was so wet and ready as she begged
me to fuck her hard. I knew it was wrong. Somewhere in the back of my mind
there was that voice that reminded me that if I did this now there would be no
going back and no forgiveness. I knew this on a logical level, but as I stood there
rubbing myself against her I could not find it inside of me to care at all.

It was without any further thought and very little fanfare that I reared back and
with the guidance of my hand I slammed my dick inside of Tanya. The sudden
rush of heat and wet gripping my dick wrenched a loud rumble from deep inside
of my chest. It had been too long since I had been inside of her or anyone for
that matter and because of it I was not going to last long.

I fucked her with wild abandon as I felt the high that only sex can provide
sending me spiraling out of control. I grabbed her hips and held her still as I

thrust deep inside of her with another loud moan that caused Tanya to scratch at
the wall as if she was seeking to hold on from the forcefulness of my thrust.

I pushed myself as deep inside of her as I could go just as the burn of my orgasm
seared through me. I gripped her slim hips tightly in my hands as I drove jet
after jet of cum into her as she hissed yes over my actions while I filled her.

The burn of my long overdue orgasm left me weak and punchy as I stood there
still buried deep inside of her. I could hear Tanya's slight giggle and the sound of
it sobered me slowly. I had done the unthinkable. I had fucked her when I
shouldn't have. I felt the cold chill of reality settle over me as I remembered that
I was here to end things with her, not start up again.

I pulled out of Tanya slowly as she hissed in displeasure from the sensation of me
vacating her little pussy. It was a familiar sound and yet it set me on edge since I
knew what I needed to do, what I had come to do instead of fucking her in the
ladies room as I had just done.

I watched as a cascade of my cum started to ooze out her pussy making me sick
as I watched the horribly dirty display. I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I
leaned over her to grab my scrubs to pull them back up to cover myself.

"Tanya," I said in an unsteady voice as I watched her tug down her skirt, not
caring that my cum was dripping out of her at an alarming rate.

"I was so happy that you called me, Edward," she gushed happily as I opened the
door of the stall to step out into the empty restroom. I needed to create more
space between us, not that it mattered after what we had just done.

"Yeah, about that Tanya…" I started to say but she silenced me by stepping
forward and wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace as she buried her
face into my chest in a loving manner.

"I knew that you would want me. I knew that you would call me and here you
are," she said as she squeezed me tightly to her as my stomach turned over at
her words.

"And here you are," she repeated in a dreamy tone as she looked up at me with
her wide blue eyes. I could see her happiness and love reflected in them. It was
love and happiness that I did not want or deserve. I untangled myself from
Tanya's embrace swiftly and then stepped back to put space between us once
more.

"Tanya, this is over and that was why I called you," I said in a firm voice that I
would have used with my son to get my point across.

"What are you saying?" she asked me, confused and lost looking as she stepped
towards me. I stopped her by placing my hand out, blocking her from getting any
closer to me.

"I am saying that we're over," I replied to her as I watched her face fall.

"But Edward…. We just…. I just let you…" she stammered as she watched me
with fear and uncertainty in her blue eyes that reminded me of child.

"I know," I replied calmly, unsure if I should thank her or not before reinforcing
the fact that whatever our relationship had been happened to be over.

"We're done," I said with as much finality as I could while watching the tears
form in her eyes over my words and actions.

"I just let you…" she stammered nervously and then trailed off as she motioned
towards the restroom stall that we had just left.

"I know. It was a mistake," I replied to her as she started to cry while I turned to
wash my hands to get the smell of sex off of them.

"But, Edward…" she stammered, looking at me for some explanation, but there
wasn't one to give. I had started this affair without any real justification and now
I would end it the same way.

I turned to look at Tanya and for the first time I realized how young she truly
was. She wasn't prepared for this any more than I had been; I just had the
advantage of knowing that our time together was leading nowhere.

I wanted to place a reassuring hand upon her should as she looked at me with a
tear stained face, smudged black from her smeared make up, but I knew it would
make things worse between us.

"Not ever again," I said as she looked at me, hoping she understood that we
would never do this again. Tanya turned away from me as I stepped back from
her to grab the door handle to leave her and this part of my life behind.

I stepped out into the dim hallway and made my way back to the main area of
the coffee shop. Tanya followed closely behind. I could hear her sniffling as she
shuffled her feet along the tiled floor behind me as I attempted to make my
escape that night, but there would be no escape for me. I scanned the crowd
briefly as I walked toward the exit and was surprised to find Bella's brown eyes
staring back at me with repulsion.

~*~

I continued to watch Bella with Seth as they chatted animatedly. She had always
claimed that he looked like me and yes, in many ways he did, but at that moment
I could see so much Bella inside of him. It was a like a bright light shining from
him with his goodness and that was just like his mother.

I watched them laugh together over some private joke before Bella turned
suddenly and caught me staring at them. Our eyes met and for a brief moment I
could see our shared history rush before my eyes. I could see her at sixteen in
the class that where we first met. I could see her pale flesh against the black
sheets in my bedroom during the first time we made love later that same year. I
could see her bright smile on our wedding day and her tired grin after Seth was
born. It was emotional and painful as our eyes met from across the yard. It took
her all of one instant to stiffen uncomfortably under my gaze before replacing her
slipping smile with a bright one that I knew was fake as hell. I wanted to feel bad
that two years after our divorce Bella would still react to my presence, but if the
truth was told, I loved that my proximity still affected her just by being in the
same room.

I turned away from my family as I thought about the nights leading up to Bella's
demand for a divorce. When she saw me at the coffee shop, freshly fucked with a
crying Tanya shuffling behind me I knew that I had been caught once more, but
this time I would be smarter about it. I didn't mean to have sex with Tanya. I had
not meant for it to happen at all. I had followed the counselor's suggestions. I
had done what I should have; the only thing I had not taken into consideration
was my inability to say "no".

I remembered how Bella's brown eyes burned into mine. To my surprise they did
not hold tears or sadness, but rather revulsion and a steely cold determination.

"Did you have sex with her?" she asked me in a dispassionate voice as she looked
from my disheveled form to Tanya's who subconsciously tugged on her short skirt
as if that would somehow make it longer.

"Bella…" I said softly, trying to keep her calm, but it wasn't Bella that needed
calmed. It was me. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. Even though she wasn't
yelling at me or Tanya, she might as well have been for all the reaction she was
getting from the coffee shop patrons who were standing close by.

"Did you have sex with her?" Bella softly asked me with an eerie detachment
once more as I watched Tanya look from me to Bella as she sniffled loudly before
scurrying away from the scene that was being created before her.

"No, I didn't have sex with her," I said in a clear voice as she looked at me with
her brown eyes blazing. I could not stand to look at her and lie which was odd
since in the past year lying to her had never been an issue. I had done it and
laughed about it later, but that night it made me sick to my stomach to lie to her.

I looked from Bella's cold eyes to my mother who stood beside my wife. She had
a look of shame and sorrow on her face.

"Edward…" she stammered as if she was pleading with me over something I did
not understand.

"Mom, I didn't have sex with her," I repeated smoothly as I discovered that it
was easier to lie to her than Bella.

"Why don't we go home, now?" I suggested as if nothing had happened and all
was normal. In the past, both women would have agreed with me, but this time
Bella just shook her head in disbelief and walked out of the coffee shop. My
mother, without another look followed close behind her.

I wasn't sure what had happened with the two women, but it was at that exact
moment that I felt a shift in my world. I should have known that any shift like
that would be damaging, but instead I took comfort in the false calm that
surrounded me. Bella had not over reacted to finding me and Tanya had not said
a word about our restroom tryst. I told myself that my wife would believe me
over what was glaring in front of her as being wrong. I told myself that all would
be fine and I believed it. I should have known better.

That night I went home, expecting to find Bella. After all, she had left the coffee
shop before I had. Instead, I found an empty house. Seth was staying with my
brother and his family while Bella was still missing. I sat in our front room
waiting. It wasn't until after three in the morning that my wife finally arrived back
at our home.

It was oddly chilling how she entered the house and went directly back to our
guest room without a glance or word in my direction as she passed by me.

"I was worried about you," I called after her as she continued to walk away from
me.

"The least you could have done was call to say that you were going to be late," I
yelled after her as she climbed the stairs with me closely following behind.

"Bella, what the hell…" I called as she walked down the hall and entered the
bedroom silently. I waited for the loud slamming of the door to tell me how angry
she was with me, but there was nothing. The only sound I heard was the soft

click of the door closing followed by the snap of the lock, telling me that I was
banished from our make shift bedroom for the night.

The next few days followed a similar pattern. I would come home to silence. No
one was home. No notes, nothing to tell me what was going on. It was oddly out
of character for Bella and every time I approached her over her change in
behavior she would leave me in silence. The only time she spoke to me was
during her daily quiz regarding what she had seen in the coffee shop that night.

"Did you have sex with that girl?" she would ask me as I tried to make
conversation with her. Each time she would ask me I would promptly tell her "no"
and after each response she would always leave me in silence.

On the third day I could not take her cold silence any longer. I left the hospital to
confront Bella at her job. I knew she could not run away from me there like she
would at home. I reached her office in record time and walked in with
determination as I sought out my wife.

I was greeted immediately by the receptionist who gave me an odd smile as if
she was uncomfortable that I was standing before her desk.

"Hello Heidi, I need to see Bella," I said with a charming smile that used to make
the poor girl stutter with nerves. Instead of being flustered by the flirting tone I
used, she just looked scared as she stared back at me.

"Uh, Edward…" she stuttered nervously, but was cut off by a booming voice that
interrupted our conversation.

"Edward! What are you doing here?" Mike Newton called out as he approached
the reception desk rapidly as my inquiry was directed at him.

Mike was the other loan officer who worked with Bella. I had hated him from the
moment I met him and hated him more now. I knew that he was one of the men
that had offered to comfort my wife while I was working long hours.

"Mike, I am here to see Bella," I said as I tried unsuccessfully to keep the
irritation from my voice.

"Well, Bella isn't here. I figured that she was with you. She said something about
a personal day and needing to straighten things out," he replied with a knowing
smile. It was that smile that hit me in my gut, knocking the wind out of me. I
hated the idea that he might know about my affair since in his deranged mind, it
would give him an opportunity with my Bella.

"Yeah, well, I thought I was to meet her here," I said with a smile that made him
frown for some reason as he looked at me.

"If she comes in I will tell her you stopped by," he offered and then said good bye
before leaving me at the desk with Heidi who was on the phone. It was as if they
both were avoiding me, not that I cared. The only thing I cared about was
whether my wife was avoiding me and that appeared to be exactly what she was
doing.

I spent the rest of the day was spent wondering where the hell Bella was if she
wasn't at work. Every lewd and sordid thought ran through my mind as I pictured
her meeting with some faceless lover in some seedy motel room. In every image
I could see Bella, flushed pink and blissful, but it wasn't that thought that tore me
apart it was the idea that she would allow another man to touch her.

Bella and I had been each other's firsts. It was something special between us.
Something that I had wrecked by being with Tanya, but that did not mean that I
wanted Bella to take a lover. I had told myself that I had just wanted her to
notice or at least fucking care what I was doing. I had even gone so far as to tell
Bella that it was this reasoning that caused me to stray. I know it wasn't a good
reason, but it was the one I used. I couldn't ever tell her the truth that I had
done what I had because I could. There was nothing stopping me. Not Bella. Not
our son. Nothing stopped me. If the truth was known there was an incredible
power that came with such an act of sex. It was a twisted power that was highly
addictive as it robbed me of reason, but this something I would never be able to
explain to Bella.

I managed to return home and wait for Bella just like I had every other night
since our tragic meeting at the coffee shop. Just like every night since then Bella
avoided me. She didn't return home until after seven o'clock and this time she
had Seth with her.

"Where were you?" I demanded as I greeted them at the door in anger. I
watched in amazement as she walked by me with a side with a sideways glance
and a large box of pizza in her hands.

"We were at Seth's game," she replied calmly as if there was nothing out of the
ordinary while she motioned for Seth to get drinks together for dinner. I looked
over at my son who avoided eye contact with me as well.

"You could have called," I replied in a huff while Bella snorted in laughter at me.

"What?" I demanded as she laughed at me softly.

"All you had to do was look at the fridge, Edward," she replied with a humorless
laugh as she motioned towards the refrigerator where Seth's schedule was
proudly displayed. Her dismissal of my concern made me feel foolish, but there
something more than that and I could not put my finger on it. I could not name it
or place it, but something was off. Bella had never been like this before. She had
never been so non caring and that hurt.

"Where were you today?" I asked her as I watched her grab a slice of pizza after
Seth had nearly taken the whole damn pie for himself. My question made her
pause for a moment before she continued on to grab her glass of soda, but she
remained silent.

"I went to your office and you weren't there," I said softly as I watched Seth grab
his plate and leave us alone just like he had been doing for the last couple of
nights. Bella watched him go with a pained expression, but did not stop him as he
left us in the kitchen to eat alone.

"Where were you?" I asked her again, almost pleading as she looked away from
me. I knew that look just like I knew her. It was a look of guilt. Bella had done
something, but was refusing to tell me and it made my heart ache.

"Where were you?" I demanded as she shook her head no at me while not
meeting my gaze.

"What does it matter?" she asked me in a whisper while looking out the window
over our wooded backyard.

"Because you're my wife and I was worried about you," I said in a constricted
voice as my throat closed around the words while emotions like worry and regret

swelled inside of me. I knew I had no right to chastise her about her whereabouts
after what I had done, but that wasn't enough to stop me.

I watched as Bella laughed softly at my words as if I was making a joke or
attempting to make her laugh, but she still would not look at me.

"Well, you sure pick odd times to remember that fact, don't you," she said with
the same humorless laugh before turning to leave me alone in our empty kitchen.

~*~

I watched Bella from afar and from her stiff movement I could tell she knew my
eyes were upon her. It seemed odd to be here without being connected to her in
some way, but here we were.

"Hey, Edward," I heard a man call to me as I stood there staring at my ex wife. I
knew who it was without looking just by the sound his thick British accent.

"Demetri," I replied with a smile as I felt his hand clap upon my shoulder in a
friendly manner. Demetri Mitchell was a new doctor that came to Seattle from
London. He worked within the group of obstetricians that delivered their patients
at what I considered to be my hospital so I would see him from time to time. I
wasn't sure why he was at my son's graduation party, but my father had invited
most of the hospital staff so I shouldn't be surprised to see some familiar faces.

I walked away from Demetri just as I Iost sight of Bella, I was forever losing sight
of Bella and this time left me just as empty inside as the last. Bella always had a
way of leaving so that I was left wanting more. When we were dating I could
barely leave her since the ache in my chest would hurt so badly that I could
barely sleep without her beside me. When we were married I get this hollow
feeling when I was apart from her that would be a dull ache until I was at her
side once more. I couldn't tell you when or even why the ache of being apart
turned into anger when we were together, but it did and that was the start of our
downfall.

I stepped into the shadows just watching the party around me as I thought back
to when Bella left me for good. I hated knowing that she was gone for good. Even
now I still think about us as one and selfishly think of her as mine even though
she isn't my wife any more.

Bella had spent the week leading up to our counseling session in silence. The only
time she spoke to me was just to ask if I had sex with Tanya when she found us
at the coffee shop that night. I stood by my lie that I had not touched the girl
even though I had. Bella didn't know about my slip. I was convinced that by
disclosing my lie it would only set back our reconciliation.

The night of our couples counseling session Bella insisted on driving separately
and meeting me there. Without consulting me she had changed hours of work
going from part time back to full time. I wanted to address that issue tonight
since she knew how I felt about her being unavailable to me. She knew that I
hated it when she was unavailable to me and yet she chose work more hours so
she would be away from me even more.

I wrapped up my charting for the patients I had seen before leaving my office to
meet Bella. I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket announcing an incoming
call. I quickly pulled it out of my pocket hoping that it was Bella. It had been ages
since she had called me, maybe since before she found out about my affair. I
couldn't quite remember when it was the last time that my wife had called me.

I looked at my phone as I pulled it out of my pocket only to find Tanya's number
flashing at me. She had taken to calling me after our last encounter at the coffee
shop. She was hurt and convinced that I was wrong about us. I had tried to
explain to her that there was no us. There was sex, but no relationship. There
was nothing. There never was and she was having a hard time understanding
that even through my avoidance of her.

I walked out to my car and drove to the counselor's office. I told him in my
private session all about how I broke things off with Tanya including how I had
sex with her. The guy insisted that I should tell Bella because no reconciliation
should ever be built on lies. I knew, however, that if I told Bella that there would
be no forgiveness for that act. After all, she hadn't forgiven me for cheating in the
first place, there was no way she would forgive me for another betrayal.

"Edward, you are playing with fire," Alistair said with a sad shake of his head
after my confession of fucking Tanya before ending things with her. I met his
uncertain gaze with one of my own as I realized I was probably the biggest
challenge that this counselor had faced in his career.

"When I suggested that you needed to end things with the girl in person it was to
show her that you were serious and that the parting was permanent. It was not
meant for you to have sex with her for one last good bye hurrah," he said in
frustration as he tugged his hand through his thinning hair.

"I did not do her for one last hurrah," I scoffed as I rolled my eyes at him while
he looked away.

"Then why did you do it?" he demanded from me as he glared at me, waiting for
me to explain what happened while I sat there speechless since I had no
explanation to offer.

Putting the thoughts of my last conversation with Alistair out of my mine, I drove
to his office and parked beside Bella's car. I felt dread settle over me as I
approached the door. I wondered how long Bella had been waiting and if Alistair
had told her about what happened with Tanya. I walked through the door
entrance and was quickly ushered back to his office by the young receptionist
who always smiled in an awkward manner.

I could hear the hushed tones of Bella's conversation with Alistair as I softly
knocked on the door to alert them of my presence. It seemed odd that their
conversation came to an abrupt halt at my arrival, but I refused to dwell on it.
After all, Bella was allowed her private conversations with the man, just as I was.

"Edward, come in," Alistair called to me with a forced smile as I glanced at my
wife's face. She seemed uneasy as if it was taking everything she had to remain
in the room at that moment in time.

"Alistair, Bella," I called, greeting them both while Bella looked away from me
without a word. There was a chill in the air that I could feel as I walked in to sit
down on the uncomfortable couch in the center of the crowded office.

Something felt wrong about this meeting. I never felt at ease here, but that night
seemed especially off as I sat there waiting for a nervous looking Bella to take a
seat beside me. I watched as she fidgeted before sitting down with a grimace on
her lovely face. I reached over to take her hand. Bella quickly moved it away
from me to clasp her other hand in her lap, avoiding my touch.

"So, what's been going on?" Alistair asked with a nervous look towards Bella as
she quickly glanced from him to me.

"I…I saw Tanya," I stammered, wanting to get that information out there in our
couple session even though Alistair already knew this from our private session
and from most likely Bella as well.

"Edward," Bella said softly, causing my words to die out like I had never spoken
at all.

"Edward, I need to know and this is the last time I will ask you," Bella said in a
serious tone as she twisted in her seat to face me. Her face looked grave with the
heavy bags under her eyes from lack of sleep and possibly crying.

My heart leapt in my throat over her question. I could see in her eyes that she
was in pain and I could not bring myself to hurt her more. Maybe the truth would
set some free, but in my case I knew it would not.

"Bella, I did not have sex with her," I stammered as she looked at me. I watched
as her eyes filled with tears before she closed them, blocking me from seeing any
more of her reaction to my statement.

I looked over at Alistair and watched as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck
while listening to Bella take a deep breath as if she was preparing herself to
speak.

"Bella…" I started to speak, but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

"Edward, I've sat here in this spot and listened to you gloat over your affair with
that whore for eight weeks now," she said in a strong voice as I sputtered that
she was wrong.

"I never gloated," I stammered, looking directly at her as my heart pounded in
my chest.

"Yes, you did. You bragged and rubbed every sex act in my face as you talked
about fucking her in your car, in your office and finally at the fundraiser that I
was supposed to go to with you," she said angrily as I felt the heat of her words
sink into my skin.

"I listened to you go on and on as if you were reliving the whole fucking thing
while I sat here being forced to listen," she said softly. I could hear the pain in
her voice as she turned away from me, but I could still see her wiping at her face
to hide the tears that were starting to fall.

"Bella, I…" I started to say, but my words just seemed to make it worse for her.

"SHUT UP!" she screamed causing the room to go silent. I looked towards Alistair
and noticed that he was looking away.

"I am tired of your excuses!" she shouted at me while I sat there shocked over
her outburst.

"I am tired of being blamed for your behavior!" she screamed at me as I flinched
at her words. I watched helplessly as she wheezed before breathing in her
asthma medicine from the inhaler she had produced out of thin air while berating
me.

"I was good to you! I took care of you! I took care of your son! I loved you and
this is how you treat me? You replace me with some girl young enough to be your
own daughter!" she screamed as I sat there staring at her like a damn fool.

I had never seen her look so outraged, so beautiful, and so damn perfect. Her
brown eyes blazed with her fury as the color rose in her cheeks.

"I know you did and I…" I started to say as I stared at her, mesmerized by her
beauty.

"Edward, I know you fucked her," she shouted with deep breaths as she tried to
calm herself from the anger that was burning her alive. I shook my head in
agreement with her since I knew she did. She had caught me with Tanya at our
house.

"I know you fucked her at the coffee shop," she seethed in anger as she watched
my face for my reaction and I did not disappoint her as I felt the blood drain from
my face over her statement. I could feel my world crumbling around me as my lie
was exposed. It was painful since I had told the lie so often that I had almost
convinced myself that I hadn't fucked Tanya either.

"I…" I stammered trying to find the words to persuade her that she was wrong,
but she just shook her head at me.

"Don't lie to me anymore!" she screamed at me while wheezing as I flinched back
from the heat of her words, stealing the air from the room.

"Your mom came out of the bathroom and told me some kids were fooling around
in there. We laughed until you stumbled out of there with that whore hot on your
heels," she hissed at me in anger as I stared at her in surprise.

"You fucked her! Stop lying!" she screamed loudly at me as I shook my head no
as I felt my world crumbling.

The room went silent except for Bella's heavy breathing and my own harsh intake
of air. The silence was suffocating as I sat there, unsure of what to say or do
next.

"I am done, Edward," Bella whispered to me in a ragged tone.

"I can't do this anymore," she said in a strong voice that surprised me.

"Alistair, thanks for all your help, but there is no saving our marriage. It is over,"
Bella said in a strangled tone as she stood up slowly from the couch.

I watched in horror as she collected her purse and then, without looking back,
strode out of the room with a determination that I had not seen before in her.

~*~

I hid in the shadows watching the crowd until my son Seth came back into sight.
He was with his girlfriend Emily. She was a sweet girl with dark eyes and a cute
face. I think he had been dating her since their sophomore year in high school.

I watched as he sneaked a kiss from the girl who giggled in response. Their
flirting brought me back to a time when Bella and I were their ages. The memory
of kissing Bella in the shadow of the tree in her front yard flooded my mind. The
thrill of sneaking in her room to make love to her while her father slept in the
next room caused a bittersweet smile to creep across my face.

While watching the young couple I could not help but to think about the tragic
end of my marriage after its sweet beginning. If I had known how it was going to
end I am not sure if I would have started with Bella at all.

After Bella announced our marriage was done I watched her leave Alistair's office.
It was then that I learned that Bella had planned to tell me of our pending divorce
there. She had made her decision to end our life together after seeing me at the
coffee shop and needed the time to set her plan in motion.

My first instinct was to get angry since anger was all I had now that Bella was
gone. I left Alistair behind in search of Bella as he pleaded with me to find peace
with the situation. I laughed at his idea of coming to terms with the end of my
marriage. I knew if I could just talk to Bella that I could show her how wrong she
was in this matter. I knew if I could just explain things to Bella she would see
that she still needed me and that I still needed her so desperately.

I drove like a man possessed all the way to our house only to find it with a light
burning in every room. Our house was never lit up like this. It seemed as if it was
burning from the inside out with a bright light glowing from each window. I
pushed the button on the garage door opener and found that it would not work. I
parked the car in the driveway, cussing the damn garage door opener as I ran to
the door, which was also locked. I knew it would be. Bella was always thoughtful
about locking doors behind her to keep our family safe. I pulled out my keys only
to find that the locks would not budge. She had changed the damn locks on me!
My fury took over as I pounded on the wooden door before me in a fit of anger.

"Bella!" I screamed as I pounded on the door as if my anger would make her
open the door for me.

"What the fuck is going on?" I screamed at the door as it shook from the fury of
my pounding fist.

"Let me in! I am still your husband and this is still my damn house! You can't lock
me out! You can't do this!" I yelled at the door, but was only met with silence.

I continued to bellow and demand that she let me in until the police finally arrived
to have me escorted off of the property while Bella and the neighbors watched
from behind closed curtains.

I refused to believe that that my marriage was unsalvageable even though I was
the one who had destroyed it. I would call and leave Bella countless messages
demanding that we could work it out. I would threaten her like a mad man and
then beg for forgiveness like a fool with each phone I made.

I would explain how I was nothing without her. Deep down I knew it was true. I
was nothing without her.

Bella never responded to my phone calls. I had no idea if she had even listened
to my messages or if she had just deleted them as soon as they appeared in her
voice mail.

My parents took pity on me and allowed me to move in with as I promised them
that I would get my wife back. They would look at me with looks that varied
between sympathy and disgust, but always remain silent when I would make
such a bold statement. I think they knew that there was no saving Bella and me
this time.

I remember how my mother's icy silence would greet me each night that I came
back to their home. I hated her cold stares and unwelcoming presence. I
accepted her silent fury over my transgressions until I could not take her
judgmental gaze another moment.

"I know you are mad, mother," I said in anger as I had reached my fill of her
silent treatment towards me.

"This wouldn't have happened if you would have minded your own business," I
said as I walked away, feeling vindicated that I had finally laid the blame of my
failed reconciliation with Bella at her feet.

"Me? You think I caused your marriage to fail?" she asked me in an incredulous
tone that made me turn back to face her. It had been three weeks since she had
uttered one word to me and four weeks since she had left the coffee shop with
Bella after my failed attempt to end things with Tanya. The sound of her voice
was startling and cut through the haze of my anger like a knife.

"You chose to have sex with your mistress in a public restroom where anyone
could have walked in and found you. You were just unlucky enough that it
happened to be me," she said in an icy tone that promptly deflated my sense of
justification.

"So, if I am correct, which we both know I am. You have repeatedly cheated on
your wife yet your are blaming me for how your marriage is ending?
Unbelievable, Edward," she said in a disbelieving tone.

I stood there some shocked over my mother's response to my statement as she
stepped closer to me. There was a look of sorrow etched on her lovely face that
seemed to be a permanent fixture now that my life was falling apart. She slowly
brought her hands up and cupped my face in her hands. She pulled me closer to
her as her hazel eyes scanned my face before finally settled on my eyes. Mom
was searching for something within as she gazed into my eyes with a worried
look before she finally let out a tired sigh.

"What happened to you Edward? What happened to my son?" she asked me as if
she talking to a stranger, not to me, her son.

"The boy I raised was a good man who loved his wife and knew how to be
respectful of women," she whispered as she continued to search my eyes for
whatever piece of me she thought was missing.

"I'm still me, mom," I replied quietly as I watched her shake her head no at me
slowly as she pulled me into a soft gentle. After she let go of me, she slowly
turned walked away leaving me alone. I promised her that I would win my wife
back.

I spent my free nights plotting over how I could win Bella back as I continued to
meet up at the bar that Tanya worked at for drinks after work. Tanya tried to
keep her distance, but it proved to be too much for her as she would approach
me time and again over our so called relationship.

I would sit there and feel her soft hands run over my shoulders as she told me
how much she missed me. It was intoxicating to be missed since I knew for damn
sure it had been ages since Bella had missed me.

I was able to resist my young temptress for the most part as she flirted openly
with me. I would smile at her suggestive words and then roll my eyes as she bent
over in front of me giving me a spectacular view of her lace covered pussy in her
barely there skirts.

She still wanted me and it was ridiculous that she did. I had treated her horrible,
yet here she was begging me to fuck her. She would pander towards my
weakness as she rubbed against me in a teasing manner. She would tease me,

whispering what filthy things she wanted to do with me in my ear as I shook my
head no at her, but I knew that my resolve was weakening. I missed sex. I
missed being wanted and Tanya was too willing to take me back with open arms.

My determination to avoid Tanya finally cracked one night after a screaming
match I had with Bella concerning her taking me back again. I arrived at the bar
angry and heartbroken while Bella's voice echoed in my head. I could hear her
sweet voice laced with hurt and anger telling me over again that I was not the
man she married. That the man she married was long gone, dead inside of me.
Her shaky voice told me that the man she married fell victim to my over inflated
ego. Her words may have been accurate, but that did not take their sting.

That night when Tanya approached me with her innocent eyes and sympathetic
words I craved. I followed her back to the storage room and took out my
frustrations over my failure to fix my marriage by fucking her against the wall.
The act itself was hard, fast, and less than satisfying as I angrily emptied my
frustrations inside of the woman who caused the demise of the marriage.

Unlike my experiences of the past with Tanya, this frantic fucking against a dusty
wall left me wanting more and that need was not something that Tanya could
give me. It was never something that Tanya had given me. The ache, the need
burning inside of me was something that only Bella had ever satisfied. I stepped
away from Tanya, hastily pulling my pants up as she continued to giggle in her
post orgasmic glow.

"We can't do this again," I managed to say as Tanya cocked her head side ways
to look at me as if questioning why I was dressing like the devil himself was after
me.

"It was a mistake Tan, and I can't afford any more mistakes. We're done" I
repeated as I as turned towards the door to leave her alone in the store room to
clean up after our tryst. I watched her giggle turn into outright laughter as I
gawked at her. It was like she had lost her mind as she stood there with her
panties in her hand.

"You always say that, Edward, yet you always end up back here with me," she
said with a giggle as she looked at me with a warm smile that made me feel
uneasy since I knew she was right. I left her behind in the storeroom as I walked
out to leave the bar.

I meant it when I told her that we were done, even though my words and actions
were not matching. How could Tanya take me seriously when I would tell her that
I did not want her, but then would meet her in the back of the bar so she could
suck me off? It was wrong and while I knew it, I did not stop. I used Tanya as a
stress reliever, a very willing stress reliever, while begging my wife to give me
another chance. Bella refused. She refused to even talk to me. She refused to
return my calls. She reacted to all my demands with stony silence and I hated
that because it was making everything difficult.

My life had always been easy. If I wanted something I got it. It was like that
when it came to Bella. It was like that when it came to school and my education.
It was like that in my career and finally it was like that when it came to Tanya.

I hated being denied and that was exactly what Bella was doing. She refused to
listen to me. She wouldn't take my calls and when she would, she refused to hear
the sincerity in my voice when I spoke, promising a better tomorrow just like a
fucking politician. She refused to see me or even be in the same room as I was.

I would go to our home and wait for her only for her to see that I was there and
leave. It was insulting and I deserved better. Our sixteen years of marriage
deserved better than that treatment.

I continued bombarding Bella with demands to take me back until I was served
with divorce papers. She wanted a divorce. She was done with us. She was done
with me and that fact broke my heart.

While I could not blame her for being done with me, it did not stop my anger
from pouring out of me in a lightning speed that shocked some. In my fury I
called our family attorney and had all our bank accounts frozen. It was easy and
while he advised me against such a dramatic act I could not stop myself. I cut
Bella off of everyone of our credit cards and did it all with a smile as I told myself
this would punish her for leaving me. This would be her punishment for leaving
me when she had promised me years ago that she would never leave me.

I scoffed at my attorney's attempts to allow some money to be put in our joint
account to cover household expenses. I reminded him that Bella worked and if
she truly was divorcing me she would need to get used to living without my
income. The old man just shook his head at me and did as I asked.

After I cut off support to Bella my parents cut off their support of me. I found
myself homeless once more as I looked for an apartment to bide my time until
Bella came to her senses. It did not take long for Tanya to invite me to stay,
which I greedily accepted. I craved human contact and with my own family not
talking to me all I had left was her.

Tanya was accommodating with a warm bed, but not what I needed. I missed my
wife. I never thought that I would miss Bella the way I did. I never realized how
vital she was to my every day well being with her sweet gestures and gentle
encouragement. Tanya was great in the sack, but she was no substitute for my
wife.

The weeks passed, turning into months and as they did I found myself getting
closer to actual divorce. Bella refused to compromise over anything I offered her.
She refused when I requested another six months of marriage counseling. She
refused when I offered to attend my own counseling sessions in an effort to save
us. It was as of no matter what I did to try to save what was us she rejected with
a firm and resounding no. Bella refused everything and just countered back with
her own list of demands, which I would oppose.

Our disagreements continued on and as they did I refused to offer her any
support since we could not agree on an amount. Any amount she requested I
would argue over and while her attorney was a good man, mine was better at his
job, so it resulted typically in my favor.

It was after an argument concerning money to support her that I ended up at my
son's soccer game. I hadn't see Seth in months since he refused to have any
contact with me no matter how much his mother pushed him to. He had just won
some all conference MVP award or so I was told by message from Bella. She may
not have welcomed to my attempts to hold off our divorce, but she always kept
me informed about our son. She was always mindful of trying to keep some type
of relationship going between Seth and me. Even if I wasn't as attentive over the
matter, she was and I could thank her for that.

I lurked in the back stands trying to catch a glimpse of him on the field, even
though I knew he would hate it that I was here. He would hate it since it would
upset Bella, so I did my best to stay hidden from her.

I could see Bella on the lowest bleacher sitting in-between my brother Emmett
and his wife Rosalie. They both had always been there for Bella and Seth when I
was unavailable so I guess this divorce was not hard for them to choose a side
between Bella and myself.

I looked at Bella and felt a small bout of victory as I could see the stress eating
her alive. She was smaller, thinner, and she looked frail like a strong wind could
blow her away. The sight of it made me smile since I wanted her weak. I needed
her desperate since without her desperation I stood no chance to gain her back in
my life. Her desperation for money and whatever else I could provide for her was
my ticket back into being her husband.

I intermingled within the crowd and listen to their inane conversations. The
private school crowd is so predictable with their talks of whose kid is better than
who's in sports before shifting to what rich kid is the trouble kid of the week. I
listen hoping like hell my son's name is not mentions when I hear two women
mention Bella.

"Did you hear her bastard husband cut her off?" I listened to the one say with
empathy in her nasally voice that surprised me.

"Yeah, I did. I heard she had to go before the board to seek an extension on
Seth's tuition payments," the other one responded in a loud whisper as my
stomach turned. I had forgotten about Seth's tuition.

"Thank fully someone called the grandfather and he came and paid for the rest of
the year for Bella. Thank god too since otherwise we would lose Seth to city high
and there would go our chances at state," the one woman said with a sigh of
relief on as I shook my head to clear my own guilt in the manner.

I looked back down at the bleachers and found my brother staring at me in
shock. I am sure he was surprised to see me there. I watched as he slipped away
from Rose and Bella to come talk to me. I had not been expecting that since
Emmett had not spoken to me since finding out about Tanya. The night he was
told about my dalliances he showed up at my hospital screamed at me and then
left while screaming that he would ruin me. The funny thing was I had beaten
him to it.

"Edward, what are you doing here?" he asked me in a low tone as he walked
away from me as if he was scared to be seen with me and knowing his bitchy
wife he probably was.

"I came to see Seth," I replied in a whisper as we walked away from the crowd
for more privacy. My words caused him to stop and gawk at me before giving me
an unbelieving look.

"If you are here to cause problems with Bella I will not think twice about ending
you," he hissed at me in anger as he looked from me to over my shoulder to see
if Bella or Rose had noticed that he was still gone.

"What?" I asked him as if I could understand what he was saying to me, even
though I knew what he was saying.

"Don't bullshit me, Edward. I know you and I know you are here to fuck with
Bella. You just can't leave her alone can you," he hissed in anger at me as I rolled
my eyes at him. He spoke the truth. I couldn't leave her alone. She consumed my
thoughts. I would agree to one of her request and then deny others just because
I knew the end result would be her calling me to scream in anger. I wanted her
attention, no matter how I got it.

"You haven't paid Seth's tuition. Dad did it," Emmett said with a shake of his
head as he looked at me in what seemed to be disgust and that looked hurt.

"I had forgotten. I would never have tried to hurt Seth," I said softly, willing him
to hear the truth in my statement.

"Yeah, but you're fine with hurting his mother?" he asked me mockingly as I
shook my head no at him.

"I love Bella…" I stammered as he laughed at me.

"Is that why you moved back in with your whore? I mean, that's a lot love you're
showing by doing that," he stated with a laugh as his words silenced me.

"Jesus, Edward," Emmett said with a humorless laugh as I stood there shell
shocked over him knowing where I was living and with whom. I turned slightly to
leave him and my family there at the soccer complex.

"Walk away, Edward, that's what you do best," Emmett called me as I walked
back towards my car leaving them behind me once more.

~*~

I walked towards the house while avoiding as many people as possible. It was
odd to be here at my parents' house since I rarely came to visit them anymore. I
didn't even know that they were hosting Seth's graduation party and not Bella
until the invitation arrived in the mail with a seperate note from Bella asking me
to be there. I could not refuse her request even though Seth wouldn't care if I
was present or not.

I wandered past people who stared at me with disdain. My divorce to Bella was
hot gossip so almost everyone in our social circle as well as co workers knew
what had happened between us. I was made out to be the villain while Bella was
the victim. The portrayal may have been correct, but that did not mean that I
liked it at all.

I made my way through the crowd and as I did, I thought about the long process
of my divorce from Bella. Months passed without a resolution in sight. If I had
been a better man, a more understanding man, I would have agreed more
readily, but I wasn't, so I didn't.

I would refuse to attend these meeting claiming that I was too busy at the
hospital to be forced to participate. I would leave my lawyer strict instructions to
fight on behalf as I avoided moving my divorce along as it should have been
proceeding

When I was forced to attend I would spend my time watching Bella. She looked
fragile, as if she was ready to shatter at any moment. It was in those moments
that I would plead with her once more to forgive me and to give me another
chance. She would look at me with her big doe eyes and tell me how she could
not take giving me another chance and so the arbitrations went on.

I fought Bella's requests at every turn even though my attorney assured me that
what she was seeking was fair and reasonable. I didn't care about what was fair
or being reasonable. I didn't care it dragged the damn divorce out for more than
a year, not to mention added to the legal costs. The only thing I cared about was
seeing Bella. She seemed to be fading before my eyes with each meeting we had.

The truth is I was not fighting Bella or did I find her requests unreasonable. I was
fighting the divorce. I didn't want this. It had never been my plan or even my
intention to divorce Bella. Never during any of the times I had been with Tanya
had I ever thought about leaving Bella for her. Tanya was fun, but Bella was
forever. She had promised me forever and now she was revoking that promise.

It was that thought of her broken promise to me that fueled my anger as I
refused to pay a dollar more in alimony than what I had to. It was the fire of that
betrayal that seared through me as I refused to pay for her education. I reminded
her that if we stayed married I would pay for it happily, like I had promised her
years ago. Bella would just look away as if I hadn't spoken a word.

I was fed up the divorce process. I refused it. Divorce was a sign of failure. I had
never failed before and my marriage would not be the start of that trend in my
life.

It was the thought of possible defeat that lead me to approach Bella in the
hallway of the arbitrator's office while our attorneys talked. She stood along the
hallway wall, looking nervous as I approached her. I walked slowly as she
scanned the area around us, as if she was looking for her escape.

"Bella," I said softly and then gave her the small smile that used to melt her
heart when we were young. She had once told me that this smile was hers alone,
but now as I stood before her, she just looked sick.

"Edward," she replied in a stiff tone as she shifted from one foot to another, in a
nervous fashion.

"What are we doing here?" I asked her softly so only she could hear me. Her eyes
met mine with trepidation as I stood before her.

"What do you mean?" she asked as she looked away from me once more.

"I mean, why are we here?" I asked her again as she looked at me as if I had lost
my mind. Maybe I had.

"Edward…" she started to say sounding exhausted, but I interrupted her with my
pleading.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you ending our marriage?" I asked her as her
tired expression morphed into fury. Bella was always stunning when angry and
even in her obviously worn out state she looked beautiful as she glared at me.

"Me?" she asked with surprise in her voice that made me step back from her just
as she stepped closer.

"Yeah, why won't you just give us another chance? Why are you so hell bent on
ending our marriage?" I asked her as she stared at me what appeared to be
stunned disbelief. It was this shock that seemed to energize her as I watched her
lifeless brown eyes come back to life as fury made them brighten and turn amber
instead of black.

"This is my fault?" she asked me. Her tone was disbelieving as she pushed herself
off the wall that she was leaning against to stand toe to toe in front of me. I
opened my mouth to speak, but she silenced me with a wave of her dainty hand
in front of my face.

"Well, I should have known that it was my fault. After all, everything always is
right?" she asked me with a sarcastic laugh that silenced me further.

"I mean, it's obviously my fault that you couldn't keep your dick in your pants,
right?" she continued on as fury flashed in her eyes. I knew enough from our
years together not to speak, but to just let her get all her anger out.

"I'm also sure that it's somehow my fault that you moved in with that whore,"
she continued on, but this time I stopped her.

"It is your fault. You locked me out of my house," I said as I watched her close
her eyes and shake her head at me while laughing slightly.

"Of course it is. Nothing is ever your fault, is it Edward?" she asked me as she
opened her eyes to meet my gaze.

"I mean, if it was your fault then you would have to take ownership for
something, hell, anything in our marriage. You know, and why change now?" she
asked with a sarcastic laugh as she looked at me with her eyes shooting daggers
into mine.

I knew I was losing her at that moment. I knew I had over stepped my boundary
with her. She was mad and while that anger brought her back to life , it also took
her further away from me.

"I miss you," I said softly, hoping that she would hear the sincerity in my voice as
I spoke to her. Bella stared at me in shock and then looked away as she shook
her head at me and my sentiment.

"Don't Edward," she said softly as she stepped away from, putting space between
us that I was so desperate not to lose.

"I don't live with her. I moved out," I offered hoping that the truth in my words
would offer some sort of peace and maybe Bella could look at me again. Maybe
we could start again.

I had moved out of Tanya's place and into my own place a few short weeks ago.
Tanya had complained about my leaving, but I didn't care. She was only really
good for a fuck and that was all. Her and I shared no other interests so living
together was trying at best.

"There's only you Bella," I whispered to her softly as I watched her cringe away
from me. It was a lie and from her reaction to my statement she knew it as well.

"I only want you," I whispered to her while I stepped closer to her shaking form.
I willed her to look in my eyes and see the truth in my words. I wanted her to
feel my longing for her. I needed her to see that I was lost without her, yet when
her eyes met mine there was not the warmth and acceptance I craved. Instead I
found then dark with an emotion I could not name as she gazed at me.

"Too little, too late, Edward," She whispered while wiping at the tears that had
started to fall down her pale cheeks as her attorney called her name while
motioning for her to follow him.

~*~

I walked towards the house to get out of the way of the festivities. This was a
celebration, yet my mood was nothing but somber. I could not find happiness in
this moment no matter where I looked. All I could see was my failed marriage
and my broken family.

I glanced through the crowd looking for Bella once more. I needed to see that she
was somewhat happy since if she was then maybe I could be too. I could not find

her, instead my focus settled on Dr. Biers. I felt my blood boil with hatred as I
watched him laughing with the other men that answered to me in the ER. Biers
used to answer to me too since I was head of staff in there, but that was before
the altercation that ended with his transfer and my leave of absence.

I watched him talk in an animated fashion. He must be telling some story since
the men around him seemed to be hanging on his every word. I studied him like I
have done countless times throughout the last two years.

He was handsome. I was secure enough in my own manhood to admit that. He
had a charm that drew people in and made him likeable. Hell, I liked him before I
discovered what he did.

I wanted to blame him and at first I did, but the truth was simple. It was my
fault. It was my own foolish behavior that put him on the path to meet my Bella.
It was my own mistakes that led to him knowing her. I also couldn't blame him
for being taken in by Bella. She was beautiful so how could he not be drawn to
her?

I walked away and I felt my stomach turn as I thought about Riley and my Bella.
They met during the process of Bella divorcing me. He had never seen her before
since he was new to the ER staff and the last staff party I brought Tanya instead
of my own wife. Yet another mistake that I had made that set their meeting into
motion.

I was spending my days dealing with Bella, her attorney and mine. We were
fighting over what had been our home. Bella wanted it. She wanted the house we
lived in as a family. I wanted it sold with the profits split. I could not stand the
idea of Bella living there after I was gone. It had been her dream house. It had
been her dream to raise our family there so I just could not allow for her to have
her dream if I wasn't in it.

At the end of the meeting I watched as Bella excused herself to leave. She looked
defeated with her shoulders slumped and a shaky hand holding her car keys. I
hated that this was so difficult, but at the same time I needed her to see that I
was willing to fight for us even if she wasn't.

That night after leaving Bella behind I had nowhere to go so I went in the hospital
to fill my time. Work was quickly becoming my salvation from loneliness as I
found myself in the ER at all times of the day and night including days I should
have had off. It had never been like this before and I had always been considered
a workaholic. The nurses weren't very welcoming, but it didn't matter since I was
there for me and not them.

I worked until the night supporting staff assured me that they could manage
without me so once more I was left to my own devices. I went back to my office
to change and while there I would make my nightly phone call to Bella. I had
started this tradition right after she had the locks changed at our house. I took
every night that we were still married as a chance to try to convince her that
leaving me was wrong, but up to that point it was not working.

I changed my clothes and then pressed the speed dial number I had assigned
Bella. I found myself praying that she would answer her phone even if I knew she
would not pick up for me. I took a deep breath as I listened to her voice mail
start. I could barely handle hearing her chipper tone as she politely asked me to
leave my name and number so she could call me back. I found myself laughing
as I knew it would be a cold day in hell before Bella would ever call me back.

I waited for the tone and then with a heavy heart I began my one sided
conversation with the woman who was still my wife even if she didn't want to be
anymore.

"Hey Bella," I said as I breathed out a sigh. It hurt that our conversations were
limited to this, but that was my fault as well.

"I, uh… I wanted to talk to you, but you left so soon after the conference that I
didn't have a chance," I said softly into the phone as I thought of my wife looking
so tired as she left that evening.

"You looked beautiful, Bella, but you always look beautiful, you know?" I asked
her, with the silence of her voicemail answering me.

"I miss you Bella," I whispered as I felt my loneliness wash over me. The burning
emotion of being so alone made my voice sound ragged.

"I miss you so fucking much that it hurts me," I whispered to her, just wanting
her to hear the truth in my words.

"Do you remember when we were sixteen and I would slip into your bedroom
window at night to hold you because you were scared of thunder storms?" I
asked her with a laugh as I was suddenly imagining a sixteen year old Bella
clinging to me as if I had the power to protect her from Mother Nature.

"I would hold you all night. I fell in love with you in those quiet moments, Bella. I
fell in love with your sleep talking and how soft you were in my arms," I said as I
thought about those lost moments.

"Do you remember how we would stay up all night talking? I wanted to know
everything about you and I still do. I love you Bella. I fucking love you so damn
much," I whispered to her as I felt the prickling of tears in my eyes from all the
hurt and emotion I felt.

"I miss you baby. I miss us. I miss Seth. I miss everything and I am so damn
sorry for hurting you. So sorry," I said to into the silence that was Bella's voice
mail.

"If I could spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me and
how damn sorry I am, I would," I whispered as my voice turned ragged once
more.

"Just…Just don't give up on us, baby. Just don't," I said as cleared my throat
from the lump that had formed there.

"I love you and always will," I whispered and then ended the call. It was always
after these one sided conversations that I felt my loneliest. I hated that empty
feeling that came whenever I ended my call to Bella. It was this feeling that
would push me into going to Tanya's bar since I needed human contact after
these calls. I needed to feel something, anything outside of the soul crushing
loneliness that I felt knowing that Bella was moving on without me.

I left the hospital and walked over to the bar that was the scene of my demise. It
was short walk and I knew that Tanya was there. She was always more than
willing to ease my pain with her velvety tongue, wet mouth or hot pussy. It was
wrong and I knew it was wrong, but I needed it and she was willing.

The bar was fairly empty for a Friday night which seemed odd for a bar that was
always somewhat busy. I glanced at the crowd as I walked in and noticed the

regulars as well as some women in the far corner who were huddled around their
table talking amongst themselves.

I breezed by the crowd to find Tanya. She was behind the bar helping the
bartender out making drinks when she saw me. I watched as a slow teasing smile
graced her lovely face. Tanya knew why I was here. It was the only reason I ever
came to see her anymore, not that she seemed to mind.

I walked towards her and tried to push away the sick feeling that overcame me
whenever Tanya and I met up now. I knew Bella would be pissed that I was still
fucking her, but Bella wouldn't even talk to me. She knew I no longer lived with
Tan, but she had no idea if I was still seeing her or not.

"Hey baby," Tan called as I approached the bar. I hated that she called me baby,
but I would let it go for the time being.

"Tan," I replied as I watched her lean over the bar in a teasing manner, allowing
me to look down her shirt.

"I missed you," she said as I watched her press her breasts against the cold bar.
I watched as her nipples hardened with the temperature change and the sight
made my dick twitch in anticipation.

I nodded my understanding since it didn't matter to me what she claimed. I didn't
care how she felt or if she truly missed me. It meant nothing to me. The only
think that did matter to me was the release that she was assisting in as it
obliterated the ache in my chest from being alone.

"I'll be back," Tanya called out to Gianni, the bartender who she was working
with. Gianna knew what I was here for. She had walked in on Tanya and me
fucking in the storeroom many times before this night. I watched as she rolled
her eyes at Tanya before turning back to the patron who was seeking her
attention to get a beer.

"Come with me," Tan whispered teasingly as she motioned for me to follow her
with a crook of her finger. I felt the excitement sex start to swirl within me as it
slowly stomped out the feeling of unease that would wash over whenever I met
Tan for a casual fuck now that my wife knew of my indiscretions.

I watched as she walked in front of me with her hips swaying in beat to a rhythm
that called to me. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to hear her cry my name in
pleasure and pain. I wanted to punish her for fucking up my life even though I
knew I was guilty and she was merely an accessory to the fact.

Tanya led me into the small office that the owner had established in the back for
book keeping. It was dingy just like the rest of the dive bar, but it had a broken
down brown couch that we had used for our trysts ever since our first night in the
men's room.

I watched her step around me and shut the door. She didn't lock it, but that was
Tanya. The idea of someone walking in while I fucked her excited her. I think she
wanted people to watch, not that she would ever admit to that fetish.

She slowly strutted back to the center of the crowded room and leaned against
the desk, knocking papers off of it as she rested there. I wasn't sure what she
was going to do and honestly I didn't care. I was there to fuck the loneliness out
of my system and be numb. I was there to forget that I was losing everything
that had ever mattered to me.

I watched as Tanya slowly peeled off her t-shirt to reveal her lacy red bra. Her
nipples were already hard with excitement through the lace. She quickly pulled
down her black mini skirt to show her matching red lace thong that showcased
her ass.

"Did you miss me?" she asked in a seductive tone, pulling me out of my lust
induced haze of leering at her nearly naked form.

"No," I replied back honestly as I watched her smirk turn into a frown in an
almost comedic fashion.

"Well, I missed you," she replied back, trying to save face as she gave me a sexy
grin. I was in no mood for her silly games. I would not tell her that I missed her
when I hadn't. I was not about to turn our hook ups into something they were
not and never had been. My being with Tanya was never about her needs or
some made up need to find someone to replace my Bella. I never cared if Tanya
got off or even if it felt good for her. I wasn't in it to woo her or be in a
relationship with her. I was there because she was willing and just so damn
happy to suck my dick that I could not refuse it.

"Enough," I said as I stepped closer to her. I dropped my scrubs so they were
bunched at my feet while Tanya eyed my hard cock as it strained against the
fabric of my boxers. I watched satisfied as she licked her lips suggestively while
gazing at me.

She moved in closer as if she was going to kiss me. We never kissed and Tanya
knew this, but that never stopped her from trying any way. I blocked her move
by spinning her around abruptly so she was now facing the paper covered desk in
front of her.

"You know better than to do that," I chastised as I pinned her between the desk
and my body as she let out a soft moan. I ran my hands along her sides feeling
her shudder against my touch. It was intoxicating the power I had over this girl. I
felt myself grow harder as she pressed her ass into me and groan as she felt me
pull my boxers down just enough to let my cock free against her soft skin.

I was in no mood for games as I brought my hand up and traced along her hip to
her ass. Tanya pressed into me once more, but I didn't want to feel her against
me. I just wanted to fuck and be done with it. I wanted the ache in my chest
gone. I wanted the sex coma that came with a hard fucking. I needed it
desperately.

I moved my hands to push her down upon the desk before moving her thong just
enough to allow myself entrance into her willing body. I reared back and thrust
hard into her, earning a loud gasp as I filled her.

Tanya wasn't fully wet. She was used to more foreplay, more attention to detail
before I fucked her, but tonight was different for me. I just wanted the pain
within me to stop, even if it meant that I was passing that pain on to someone
else.

I continued to thrust deep into Tanya as her body finally was catching up to my
demands. She moaned loudly as I held her hips in place, fucking her against the
desk. The power of my thrusts was causing the desk to shake and move forward
as papers spilled on to the ground from our fanatic fucking.

"Fuck, yes," she whispered as I pushed as deep as I could inside of her before her
body jerked involuntarily under my invasion. She was now wet, sopping wet and

as she cried out that she was close. I didn't care if she was close or not. I was
seeking my own release so her were irrelevant to me.

The sounds of wet skin slapping together filled the room alongside her whispered
moans of pleasure. I could feel the blissful stirring of my orgasm start as I
pounded hard into her.

"I missed you do fucking much," she cried out as I gripped her hips hard,
knowing that it had to hurt her, but needing to go as deep inside as I could. I
couldn't stand the idea of her missing me. I never wanted to mean anything to
her since she was meaningless to me. My grasp on her narrow hips tightened
even more as I shifted her helplessly beneath me to fuck her hard from a
different angle as she moaned in a throaty manner that could have been from
pleasure or pain. I couldn't tell and I really didn't care.

"You're going to feel me inside of you for days," I ground out through clenched
teeth as I slammed into her while watching the supple skin of her ass ripple
slightly from my body colliding into hers. Tanya gasped deeply as I fucked her
without restraint.

I dug my fingers into her flesh to control her as she struggled to meet me thrust
for thrust. I was close, so fucking close, to coming. I could feel the burn inside of
me starting to build. I gritted my teeth and slammed into her harder, and faster.
I could feel Tanya's nimble fingers slipping between her sweaty body and the
desk rubbing where we were joined and caressing her clit. She would slip her
touch lower and stroke my cock as it slammed in and out of her like a crazed
man. The sensation of her caressing my cock as I withdrew from her before
slamming back in was causing the burn of my orgasm to reach higher. I watched
in what seemed like slow motion as Tanya arched her back and turned to meet
my gaze as I fucked her hard on her boss's desk, but it was not her face I wanted
to see. This wasn't about her or our joint search of release this was about me and
I needed her to remember that.

I let go of one side of her hip without breaking my rhythm as I pounded into her
welcoming pussy. I swiftly brought my hand up and placed it up in the back of
her neck, holding her face down on the desk as she struggled beneath me.

I felt the blaze of my release sear through me as I buried myself as deep as she
would take me inside her wet pussy. The sounds of Tanya's muffled moans
melted into the background symphony of sin as I jerked wildly inside of her as I
came hard. I closed my eyes and focused on allowing myself to be burned to ash
while releasing all the regret, despair and loneliness inside of the woman who
helped decimate my life.

I don't know how long I held Tanya beneath me before I was coherent enough to
let her go. Once I removed my hands from her body I could see the red marks I
had left on her skin as a souvenir from our time together. There would be finger
tip bruises along her hips and on the back of her neck where I had pinned her
against the desk.

I looked down at where my cock was still firm inside of her and instantly felt sick.
I stepped back, groaning from the loss of contact as I pulled out of her heat. I
stepped back, stumbling with my scrubs around my ankles as I looked for
something to wipe off with in an effort to rid myself of the scent of sex with
Tanya. I grabbed her shirt off the floor and wiped my softening cock before
slipping my pants back on.

Tanya hadn't moved since I had finished inside of her. Instead she lay splayed
out across the desk gasping for air as if I had fucked the life right out of her. Her

bare ass was up in the air with her thong still pushed aside showing her well
fucked pussy as I stood there looking at her with ill ease.

There were no words to say to her since I had said them all, yet she was always
willing to be fucked no matter what happened between us, or how ugly I was to
her. Tanya moved with a slight groan as I turned to leave without another word.

I walked back into the bar and felt Gianna's eyes upon me as I emerged from the
back. It was an accusatory look. She knew I used Tanya. She had warned Tanya
from the beginning about being with a married man, not that Tanya ever listened
to her.

"Tanya will be out in a minute," I replied as she looked at me in an appraising
manner.

"You look like shit," she said to me with a sad shake of her head. I knew I did,
but could not find it in me to care anymore.

"Yeah, thanks," I mumbled as I attempted to leave her behind.

"There were some women in here asking about you," she said as she waited for
my reaction. I was perplexed since I could not think of anyone who would come
here looking for me.

"Yeah, one asked about Tanya too," she said with a laugh as my surprised look
must have taken a comical look.

I had no idea who would come in here looking for me and truly did not care
either. I thanked Gianna for nothing and then turned to leave. I walked through
the crowd that had formed before reaching the door to leave without taking a
single look back.

I came back to my so called home and quickly jumped in the shower to wash off
the scent of sex and Tanya's flowery perfume. The release I had sought from her
had not changed anything. I was still frustrated. I was still angry as I sat alone in
my apartment, waiting for a phone call from Bella that I knew would never come.
I should have been used to it, yet somehow I wasn't. I found myself going over
what had occurred in my life that lead me to this moment. I had loved my wife. I
still loved my wife, yet everything changed. I tried to pinpoint the moment, but
there wasn't one thing that happened that was the catalyst for my affair.

There were so many things that caused my infidelity. It could have been all the
hours at work that kept Bella and I apart. It could have been how when we were
together it felt like she was more focused on anything surrounding her than me.
It could have been that I was angry that I was no longer Bella's top priority as
life, work, Seth, everything else seemed become more important than what I was
to her.

I glanced at the clock and noticed that it was close to seven, yet I hadn't heard
from Seth. I wasn't surprised by this. He never called me and while I understood
his anger towards me it did not make it any easier to deal with. I grabbed my
phone and hit the speed dial number that was assigned to his cell phone. I waited
as I listened to it ring, knowing that most likely he would just let it go to voice
mail like he typically did.

My relationship with my son was in shambles and while I knew it was my own
doing, I could not stop being somewhat irritated by how he behaved as well. He
avoided me at all costs unless his mother pushed him into speaking with me,
which she typically did.

I listened as the phone rang and then suddenly Seth was on the line, causing me
to stutter with nerves.

"Hey Seth," I managed to say as I listened to his grunt of a greeting.

"We're meeting at Luigi's for dinner tonight. Are you still able to make it?" I asked
him, giving him the chance to back out if he needed.

"No. I'll be there," he said in a bored tone that hurt me. I remembered a time
when boys night out together was something that he looked forward to and not
dreaded.

"Do you need a ride?" I asked him, trying not to sound too hopeful as I listened
to him breathe deeply before answering me.

"No, I'll drive," he said simply, reminding me of his age and of the fact that Bella
had gotten him a car without my agreement.

"Ok, see you in about half an hour," I replied and, even before I could say good
bye he hung up on me like he always did.

Dinners with Seth were trying, but not as trying as what they had been. He
seemed relieved to know that I no longer lived with Tanya. He even seemed
pleased that I had only lived with her for eight weeks before finding a place of my
own. He would never understand that I only loved with her because I could not
handle the silence of being alone.

I changed my clothes into something a little dressier before leaving the emptiness
of my home to meet my son. I was able to be at the restaurant before Seth
arrived to secure a table during their Friday night rush. Luigi's was Seth's favorite
restaurant and we had spent countless boys' nights out here as well as birthdays
in his honor.

Seth would now ask to go someplace else, anywhere else for our now weekly
dinners together, but I would always insist that we eat here. The place was
haunted with memories of what had been our happy family and I needed those
memories to survive.

Shortly after I was seated, the hostess escorted Seth over to the table. He looked
agitated and so much like his mother that I found myself smiling stupidly at him.
He hated it when I did that since he knew I was thinking of his mother.

Seth remained quiet during dinner only speaking when spoken to. I had ordered
for us in advance, requesting his favorite meal of sausage and pasta in red sauce.
He ate it slowly while I quizzed him about school.

I knew he hated meeting me, but this was Bella's idea so he went along with it.
Seth was a good kid who would do anything for his mother.

I ate slowly, stretching out our time together as I watched Seth shift
uncomfortably in front of me. He was ready to leave. He wanted out and was
becoming restless.

"So, any big plans tonight?" I asked him as I took another sip of coffee before
turning back to my dessert.

"Uhm… I'm hanging out at Quil's house tonight so, yeah, I'm not sure,' he stated
with a shrug of his shoulders. This was an odd development. Ever since Bella had
thrown me out Seth never left her alone over the weekend. To find him staying
over with a friend seemed off.

"What does your mother think about this?" I asked him as he looked away from
me. I knew that look. It was the one Bella used when she was about to lie.

"She's good with it," he said in an even voice as he watched the other table of
people closely. I watched him and noticed how he flinched over his own words.

"Where is she tonight?" I asked him as I watched his face remain void of emotion
for a moment before a flash of anger crossed his features.

"Why do you ask me about her?" he demanded with force in his tone that did not
surprise me. Seth was always very protective of his mother.

"Because she won't tell me anything," I stated simply. He knew it was the truth.
Seth's gaze met mine and I watched his hardened expression soften for a split
second as he looked at me. I wondered if he could see how much I missed her.

"Dad, just let mom be," he finally said after a long pause in our conversation.
There was nothing more to say after that since nothing I said would matter and
he would not tell me about Bella. We ended our night with a simple good bye and
my promise to call him on Monday, not that he cared if I called him at all.

It was on limited sleep that I returned to work the next afternoon. I was tired of
the same thing over and over again. I was tired of being without Bella. I was tired
of dealing with attorneys and making dinner plans with a son who hated me. I
just wanted my life back.

The evening shift in the ER continued on a grueling pace as the never ending
stream of patients kept multiplying before my eyes. Finally about two in the
morning the flow of people slowed and we soon found ourselves in a lull. I was at
the nurses' station listening to the young doctors as they boasted about their
night out on the town the previous night.

It was the typical conversation concerning what woman they each had left with
for the evening. Dr. Crowley was always the worst about being over the top with
details concerning his sexual conquests and that night he was in rare form. He
utterly focused on the woman Dr. Biers had left with for the evening.

"Seriously, Edward, you missed out," he said to me as I shook my head at his
suggestive tone. He had invited me out with them before, but I always declined
the invitation.

"You should have seen the woman Riley was with. She was so damn fine," he said
with a gleeful laugh while Riley rolled his eyes at him. Riley, who was one to go
out looking for women with the group of young doctors, was never one to kiss
and tell when it came to his conquests.

"Shut up," he said as he rolled his eyes once more.

"Check her out," Tyler said as he pulled out his phone to show me a picture of
whatever woman had captured his attention.

"I mean, if she had chosen me I would be bragging about it so I don't know why
you are being so damn tight lipped," he said as he flicked through applications
until producing a picture.

"She looks familiar right?" Dr. Crowley asked me with a laugh as he thrust phone
in my face to show me the picture. I fully expected by his boasting behavior to
find Tanya pressed close to Dr. Biers, but instead what I saw shocked me into
silence.

There on the small screen was Riley Biers who had his body pressed into a very
pleased looking Bella. She had her arms around his neck, holding him close as if
they were slow dancing while gazing into his eyes.

The picture was perfect and I could see the flush on her cheek as she smiled what
could be a suggestive smile at Biers. I knew that smile all too well. It was an
invitation to take her and by the answering smirk on his damn face he was
accepting that invite.

"That's my wife," I stuttered out as I felt rage shoot through me at record speed.

"I told you!" Dr. Crowley cackled in laughter as he shoved at Dr. Biers, who
looked at me mortified.

"I told you I knew her, I just couldn't place where!" Crowley said through
laughter as if seeing my wife in the arms of another man was something to laugh
about. I turned to glare at Crowley who sobered enough to stop his laughter
underneath my heated gaze.

"I didn't know… I mean, she said she was in the middle of a divorce…" Biers
stammered as I turned back to face him. My hands shook as I brought them up
to tug at my hair instead of hurting him.

"Did you have sex with my wife?" I asked him. Everyone around us went silent,
watching, waiting to see what would happen, while knowing that I was on the
edge of sanity when it came to Bella.

"I didn't…" he stammered as he looked away from me towards his friends for
help, but they remained silent as well. They were leaving him to deal with the
consequences of touching my wife all alone.

"Did you?" I screamed as fury burned through me. I watched as he took a step
back from me with his eyes wide with what could have been uncertainty or
maybe fear.

"I didn't know she was your wife," he replied in a stutter. It wasn't an admission
of guilt, but it was all I needed to end his life.

I lunged at him quickly, taking him to the ground as the crowd around us parted
with screams of surprise. I was upon the young doctor before he could even react
to my attack. I punched at his handsome face wanting to destroy whatever
beauty Bella had found there. I wanted to punish him as I was being punished.

I continued to scream at him, but my words didn't make any sense as I punched
at the man beneath me who was no longer fighting back. I felt a strong pair of
arms pull me off of the downed man, while I struggled to break free to end the
task I started.

I wanted his life. I wanted to know that he would never touch her again. I needed
make sure of it, but the security guards had too firm of a grip on me as I fought
to get back to the man.

"Dr. Cullen, you will control yourself," I could hear the men saying to me as they
threatened to involve the police, not that I cared what happened now. My Bella
had betrayed me. She had been with another man and now he would pay.

Once I was able to contain my anger I was released from the hospital while being
advised that there would consequences for my actions. At a minimum I would go
before the hospital review board. I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was

Bella and she had loved another man. She had let another man touch her and I
was destroyed by it.

I found myself driving aimlessly as I left the hospital. I could not go to what was
now my home. I could not handle the silence that would greet me there. It would
only aid in my thoughts of what Bella had done.

I found myself in front of what had been my home. The lights were off, but it was
obvious that Bella was home. I sat in our driveway for what seemed like an hour,
trying to come to terms with what I had seen.

That picture of Bella with Biers spoke a million words to me and every single one
of them hurt. She was moving on. She had found another. She didn't want me.
She didn't love me anymore and I could not tolerate that.

I slowly got out of my car and approached the house. I needed to see her. I
needed to know that I was wrong. I needed her to tell me that it all was a lie. I
just … I just needed her.

I reached the front door and rang the door bell, not caring that it was almost four
in the morning. Bella was in there and I needed her like the air I breathed. I
could hear her shuffling around inside as she approached the door with
trepidation. The curtains of the window by the door moved, followed by a
muttered curse as the sounds of the dead bolt lock unlocking filled the silence
around me.

"Edward, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?" she asked as she
tugged her blue satin robe tight against her slight frame. Her long dark hair was
snarled from sleep and she looked deliciously rumpled from bed. Her beauty left
me breathless for a moment as I wondered how I had ever been immune to it.

"Nothing is wrong. I just need to know…" I started to say as I tugged on the
screen door that separated us, only to discover that it was locked.

"Well, if nothing is wrong then you need to leave. I'm tired and want to go back
to bed," she said with a yawn as she turned away from me to close the door in
my face.

"I know you fucked him," I said as I felt the sting of hurt and anger towards her
once more. I watched as my words caused her to freeze immediately as if I had
dosed her with ice water.

"I know you went home with Riley Biers," I said as Bella turned to face me with
her lips tightly drawn.

"He's a doctor in the ER. Did he tell you that? Is that why you fucked him? Was it
revenge?" I asked as my voice became shriller with each word I uttered. Bella
remained silent as she gawked at me for a long moment before regaining her
composure.

"You promised me," I stuttered to her as she watched me bring my fist up to
bang on the glass door that separated us to punch it fiercely, causing her to
jump.

"You are my wife! He is not to touch you!" I screamed in anger as Bella stood
there, horrified, watching the door bow with every impact from my fist. She
looked scared as she backed away and started to close the door upon me.

"I will not tolerate you acting like some common whore in a bar!" I screamed in
the peaceful quiet of our suburban neighborhood. My words made Bella pause
and laugh loudly which caused me to stop punching at the glass.

"Get out!" she screamed in anger once her laughter died down. I noticed
movement behind her and soon my son was standing in the doorway, pulling his
mother out of the way. He said nothing to me and would not meet my gaze as he
closed the heavy wooden door on the other side of the glass screen door,
effectively locking me out once more.

I could not contain my fury as I continued to pound upon the glass demanding
that Bella let me in, but she remained hidden inside what had been our shared
fortress. I continued to thrash against the door until the glass shattered, cutting
my hand as I landed blow after blow against its broken frame. I stayed there,
panting with exertion as I felt the sting of glass cuts inside of my hand.

I turned and wobbled back to my car, exhausted from emotion as I climbed inside
before driving back to my empty apartment to tend to my wounds, alone.

~*~

I made it inside of the house. I knew somewhere in the place where I had spent
my youth was my mother. I knew she would be lurking in effort to give her
guests space while making sure everything ran smoothly.

I stayed in the shadows, watching the people come and go. It was a joyous
occasion, or at least it should have been. It was the first real celebration of
adulthood for my son. He was a son that I didn't really know and had missed a
large portion of his childhood while pursuing my own dreams.

In the past when I was still married to his mother, Bella would always try to help
ease my guilty conscious. Whenever I would bemoan the fact that I was missing
so much of Seth's life she would remind me that I was working to provide a
wonderful life for him. It was a statement that always eased my guilt, but the
truth was I was missing too much of my son's life to ever really know him. My
career cost me that relationship with him even though it left him wanting for
nothing.

I glanced around the room and found a pair of gray colored eyes glaring back at
me. I would know those cold, serial killer like eyes anywhere. It was Alice
Whitlock, Bella's best friend and founder of my anti-fan club here in Seattle. She
had hated me since the night I met her back in college. I had no doubt that she
threw a party to celebrate the moment my divorce from Bella was final.

I followed my mother's sage advice of killing them with kindness by smiling and
waving at her from across the room. I knew my greeting would set her off in a
tizzy of fury and she did not disappoint. I watched with glee as her eyes narrowed
as she glared at me while she stomped her foot on the ground like a spoiled child.
I watched with a chuckle as she squared her shoulders as if going into battle
before approaching me like the angry troll she was.

"Alice, so good to see you," I said smoothly as she stopped in front of me. I could
see it was taking everything the woman had to keep it together. She wanted to
scream at me. She wanted to yell and I wanted to laugh in her face. Fuck her.
This was my parents' house and she was the guest here, not me.

"Eat shit and die, Edward," Alice cooed at me in her fake syrupy sweet voice as
she gave me her best Stepford wife smile. I was always thankful that while
married to Bella she never fell into that mind set of car pools and days at the spa

with the girls. She was always focused on me and Seth. I realize now fortunate I
was.

"You first, darling," I replied with a laugh and teasing wink before she stomped
away from me in a huff of anger.

I continued to laugh as Alice paused long enough to turn back and give me the
finger.

"Such a classy lady!" I called after her as she continued down the hall away from
me with her head held high as if she had triumphed over something, but what
that was I had no idea.

"Jasper!" I could hear Alice bellow which only made me laugh again. Jasper
Whitlock was forever at the beck and call of his bitch of a wife. I almost felt bad
for the man. Almost.

"Edward," I heard Jasper's gravelly voice call out to me from behind, startling me
since I had not thought anyone else was hiding in the hall. I turned surprised to
find Jasper relaxing in my father's study with what appeared to be a glass of
bourbon in his hands.

"Hiding from Alice?" I asked him as I stepped in the room to join him. I may have
despised his wife, but Jasper was always a decent man to me. He looked over at
me with a tired expression as he shook his head and smiled. Yes, he was hiding
from her.

Jasper was ten years older than Alice and us. He was a self made man that came
into his money by real estate and a car dealership that he turned into the state's
number one selling Ford dealership. He had the Midas touch and Alice had
benefited from that.

"How are you Edward?" he asked me with a knowing look. He knew me better
than most and while I normally I would hate that, with Jasper it was not an issue.
He understood me and that was rare now.

I really didn't want to answer him. It had been a rough two years as a newly
minted single man and I did not want to admit it. I never wanted to admit how
difficult or how lonely it has been without Bella.

"I see your wife is still a raging bitch," I said with smirk as I sat down across from
him in a comfortable leather chair that my father loved. Jasper looked at me with
his all knowing eyes and chuckled.

"You know, only assholes smirk," he said to me effectively wiping the smirk right
off my face.

We sat in silence for several minutes. It was nice to be in a room with another
that was not judging me for past behavior. Jasper was just very calming and I
needed his mellow attitude to make it through the afternoon.

"So, have you had a chance to talk with Bella?" he asked me out of the blue while
breaking the comfortable silence we had together. His question seemed odd to
me since he would know from his bitchy wife if I had a chance to talk to Bella.

"Why do you ask?" I questioned him as I looked over at him in surprise.

"Well, because I overheard Bella and Alice talking about you. I think Bella plans
on speaking with you," he said simply as if it was an everyday occurrence that
Bella wanted to talk to me, not the rarity that it truly was now.

"I haven't spoken to her," I stuttered as I tried to think of why she was interested
in speaking with me now. We hadn't really spoken since that fateful day where I
set her free.

"Well, be aware she'll be looking for you later," he said in a grumble as he stood
up to leave. We both could hear Alice bellowing for him as he finished his
bourbon. How he tolerated that woman was beyond my senses.

I watched as Jasper left me alone to stew in my own fear and thoughts. I could
not think of anything that Bella would want to approach me over. We had covered
it all with our divorce and anything regarding Seth, well, he addressed with me,
not her. I had been faithful and on time with every alimony, child support and
tuition payment. I had been thoughtful and continued to remember her on her
birthday with a bouquet of star gazer lilies that she loved and a card, but no
phone calls. I had done my best to keep my distance and yet not lose her in the
process since that was what I had feared the most about ending our marriage. It
was losing her.

My mind wandered back in time to the day that I decided to be the man that
Bella needed me to be, believed me to be. It wasn't an easy decision, but nothing
I ever did after my affair was.

After I discovered Bella's night out with Riley Biers I went on a tirade. The
hospital forced me into a leave of absence so I could take care of my personal
affairs as they so kindly phrased it. The truth was I was one step away from
losing my job and the person who had saved it was my father.

Carlisle had pleaded my case before the hospital board without my approval or
even knowledge. If I had known I would have told him to just let it go since I was
ready to walk away from it all. I knew I could never work with Biers again since
all I would see would be him fucking my wife.

The day my father came over to tell me of my fate concerning my job I was lost
in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I could not face the world coherent knowing that
Bella had been with another man. I could not get the image of her shuddering in
pleasure beneath Riley's touch out of my head. I could almost hear her gasping
at the sensations and her moans of pleasure as he fucked her over and over
again. I knew if there was truly a hell I was in it now, suffering for the sins I had
committed against my wife.

It was there drunk and nearly passed out that Carlisle found me on my couch. I
could barely open my eyes to look at him as he entered my apartment using the
spare I key I had given my mother in case of an emergency. I was just sober
enough to realize what a mistake that was.

"Edward," he called to me in a patronizing tone as I listened with closed eyes as
he walked around my home, opening the shades as I asked him not to bother.

"Are you drunk?" he asked me as he finally stopped before me. I could feel him
kick at my feet in effort to make me respond.

"No," I replied with a yawn as I moved so he could pass by without tripping over
my legs. I could hear his heavy sigh as I listened to him walk over to the chair
that sat opposite of the couch I was half laying on.

"Son, you need to pull yourself together," he said in a tired voice that made me
laugh sleepily at his naivety.

"Pull myself together," I scoffed with a snicker as I opened my eyes to look at my
father. He looked tired and old. It was as if my troubles were aging him as well.

"Dad, there is nothing left to pull. Can't you see? I'm falling apart at the seams
here," I said with a humorless laugh as my father shook his head at me as a flash
of anger passed over his features before irritation settled in his eyes.

"Who's fault is that Edward?" he asked me abruptly causing my laughter to die
out in my throat.

"It's hard for anyone to feel sorry for you when you've brought all of this upon
yourself," he continued on in an angry tone.

"I never asked for a divorce!" I raged at him as all the anger I felt over my
doomed marriage poured out of me. My father watched me with a calculating eye
as I growled like a mad man in anger at him.

"No, you didn't, but what did you think would happen?" he asked me
incredulously.

"What did you think your wife would do when you decided to take up with that
young girl? Did you think that Bella would be ok with it and just welcome you
back with open arms after fucking that girl in your wife's bed, in your wife's
home?" he yelled at me in anger. His declaration took me by surprise. I didn't
know that he knew the specifics about how I was caught with Tanya by Bella. I
suddenly felt ashamed for the first time over how I was caught. When Bella had
found me with Tanya I didn't have time for shame. My instant reaction was
damage control and not indignity. Somehow hearing how I was exposed coming
from my father's lips made me feel embarrassed for my poor behavior.

"Truthfully, what did you think you would accomplish by brining another woman
into your family's home? Did you really think that Bella would turn the other
cheek over that type of a betrayal?" he asked as his anger turned into
astonishment.

What did I think would happen? I thought I would have Tanya and my wife too. I
thought I would punish my wife for caring more about the school committees she
was on than her own husband. I thought I would show her that someone wanted
me even if she didn't.

"I didn't think…" I started to say as I was going to explain my behavior even
though there was no explanation to offer.

"That's right. You didn't think," dad said with a gruff edge to his tone.

"And now because of it you are where you are," he finished as he waved his arms
around, show casing my bare apartment walls and boxes from home that I had
not unpacked even though it had been weeks. I hated this place enough without
my own father pointing out how empty it was.

I watched my father look around the room and then finally at me with such
disdain in his eyes. My mind slowly churned under the weight of vodka as I
remembered what I needed to know from him.

"Are you paying Bella's legal fees?" I asked him and then watched as his entire
frame stiffened under my hard glare. He remained silent.

"You are aren't you?" I asked him as I attempted to sit upright to face him better.

"Why in hell are you paying her fees?" I demanded as I closed my eyes at the
room swaying around me as I focused all my anger on the man before me.

"Because she's my daughter and she needs the help," he said simply as if it was
the easiest and most expected thing in the world to be doing.

"You are helping her divorce me!" I bellowed causing my head to hurt at the
volume of my voice.

"Yes, I am. I can't save you both and I sure as hell can't save those who refuse to
be saved," Carlisle said with a growl of frustration that made me laugh at him.

"You choose her," I scoffed at him and his anger. What did he have to be angry
about? I was the one losing everything. I was the one who was alone.

Dad stood there in silence looking at me as if he had never seen me before.
Maybe he hadn't seen this side of me before, but I did not care. He betrayed me
with his helping Bella leave me behind.

"Edward, you are killing her. You are killing her as surely as if your hands were
around her neck choking the life out of her body," he said in a somber tone that
made me look away since I knew it was the truth.

I had watched as Bella lost weight, knowing that stress made it so she would not
eat. I had watched her as her skin coloring faded to a pasty white. I had watched
her, knowing that I was inflicting this damage, but not caring since to me it
meant that she would relent to me once more.

"I am asking you to let her go," he said in more of a whisper, but his words rang
loud in the empty apartment around us.

"I can't," I countered back immediately with the fear I felt seeping into my voice.
I could not let Bella go. She was mine. She always had been and I was not about
to release her to anyone else.

"If you love her, you will," Dad said as he let out a huff of breath as if he was
tired of speaking with me.

"You need to know that you have been given a leave of absence from the hospital
to pull yourself together. Fortunately for you, Dr. Biers has agreed not to press
charges and he will be moved to another department while you retain your
position as head of the ER," Dad said in a more professional sounding tone as he
rehashed what the hospital board had deemed as a suitable punishment for my
hitting Biers while on the clock.

"You can thank me for this later when you're actually sober," he finished as he
stood up to leave. His comments about my sobriety pissed me off since it was
none of his concern how I spent my free time now that he had sided with Bella.

"I never asked you to save my job," I hissed at him in anger as he turned to
leave me alone once more.

"And I didn't do it for you," he countered back with an edge to his voice as he
walked towards the door with a determined stride before opening my door and
leaving me behind.

Dad's words lingered in the air around me as I sat there, still feeling the effects of
the vodka and coke I had been drinking making the room spin. I hated the idea if
giving Bella up. I hated it more than anything. It was what I had been fighting
against so strongly so the idea of him coming in here and making demands like

that pissed me off. He had nothing to lose if I gave her up, after all, mom and
dad where still quite friendly with Bella. It was only me who was going to lose
out.

I slowly stood up and staggered my way back to my bedroom. I needed sleep. I
needed Bella and there was no way in hell I was about to let her go at his
request.

When I awoke, the sky was turning dark as nighttime approached. My mind
instantly went to Bella like it always did. I wondered where she was and if she
was thinking of me. I knew she probably wasn't, but I clung to the hope that she
was missing me as badly as I was missing her.

I could not shake the need to see her. Maybe it was my father's words ringing in
my head that I was killing her. Maybe it was just to prove him wrong, but I could
stop the ache I had to see her face. I found myself showering and dressing to find
her. I had no idea where she would be, I just knew that I needed to see her now.

Once I slipped on my jeans and t-shirt I pulled on sneakers before heading out of
the apartment. My body was achy and yet tense as I walked towards my car
while fighting off illness that days worth of drinking brings you.

I drove without thought to my home. It was still my home no matter if Bella had
locked me out. It was were my heart resided and seeing it from the street so
dark and haunted looking made the sick feeling inside of me amplify tenfold. I
knew I had caused this. I knew in my heart that it was my fault that I was out on
the curb looking at the place where my family resided. I hated that it was my
fault and refused to admit it out loud even though everyone knew it was true.

I sat in my car outside of my house lost in thought as the garage door slowly
opened. The movement scared me as I sat there. I fully expected an angry Bella
to march down the dry and demand that I leave like she has done so many times
before. This time there was no angry Bella. It was just Bella in her car,
completely oblivious to my presence as she backed her black Volvo down the
drive to leave.

My heart beat spiked in my chest as I tried to think where she would be going at
almost six at night. Was she meeting Biers for dinner? Was she just going over to
his place to fuck her frustrations out on the young doctor who was so willing to be
that source of comfort? I hated him.

I started my car and slowly followed behind her. I felt my anger spiking as I
thought of how she would probably run to greet him with a soft kiss. My mind
raced with images of her kissing his broken nose to him leading her inside to
begin their night of passion.

I found myself gripping the steering wheel tightly as I followed my wife to what I
assumed would be her lover's house. I felt rage burning through me as I thought
about my wife being with another man. I had to see it for myself and I knew if I
did I would end his life without another thought.

Bella turned on to a quiet road as I drove at a distance. I wasn't sure where Biers
lived, but this seemed out of the way. I kept my distance watching her until she
finally turned and passed through a cemetery gate. I knew her father was buried
here. I was aware that when Bella was stressed she would take more time to visit
his grave, but coming here at nightfall seemed out of sorts even for her.

I followed behind slowly, praying that she wouldn't notice my car as I drove to a
distance to watch her park her car. I could see her get out of the vehicle and walk

over to the headstone that bore her father's name before sitting upon the bench
that I had installed for her shortly after he died when she would come out here
and sit in the dirt to be close to him. I didn't want her sitting on the cold ground.

Bella looked frail. She had lost weight and while I had noticed it before at our
meetings during arbitration I hadn't realized how much she had lost. The wind
whipped around her dress causing the outline of her frame to be visible as she sat
there facing the head stone. She almost looked skeletal with her bones outlining
her form. This was not the woman I was married to who had always carried her
weight nicely making her body voluptuous.

I watched as Bella doubled over suddenly as if she was in pain, causing panic to
race through me as I struggled to untangle myself from my seatbelt to help her. I
kept her within my line of sight as I opened the car door to get out when I
realized that she was crying.

Bella was doubled over in heavy sobs as she sat there. I could hear her
tormented cries as I sat there with my door open unsure of what to do now. She
was in agony. She was hurting and I knew it was my entire fault.

I watched helplessly as she howled out her pain, not knowing that I was bearing
witness to this breakdown. I wanted to look away. I needed to look away since
Bella was such a prideful person, yet I could not resist watching her. She had
showed so little emotion during our separation and now divorce that this display
was almost shocking.

While I watched her I thought of any and every way I could help her, yet nothing
rang true as the right thing to do. I wanted to end her pain. I wanted to see her
smile once more. I wanted her happy, yet I knew everything I did was tearing her
apart.

Suddenly out of the blue I thought of my father's claim that I was killing her. I
did not believe it when he said it, but watching Bella now, it was all too clear. I
was slowly strangling the life out of the woman that I had promised to cherish
and protect until my dying breath. I was responsible for this and only I could end
it.

I sat in my car, watching Bella as I waited for her to release whatever pent up
pain she had stored at way from my carelessness with her heart. Her crumpled
form made me sick to my stomach since I knew I had reduced her to this broken
woman who sobbed her pain to her dead father.

After several long moments I watched as Bella finally gathered herself together
enough to slow the ebb of her tears. I watched from a safe distance in the dim
light as she pressed a kiss to her hand before pressing that hand the granite head
stone that bore Charlie Swan's name before slowly returning back to the car I had
insisted she buy even though she didn't want it before this mess I had created
began.

I followed her out of the cemetery, keeping my distance as I did so. I kept my
quiet vigil over her until she finally pulled into the garage of what had been our
shared home so I somewhat knew she was safe. I drove back to the silence of my
apartment knowing what I had to do. I would have to let Bella go.

~*~

After hearing Jasper's warning that Bella would be looking for me I found it
impossible to leave the safety of my father's study. I couldn't face her. I wasn't
ready, but when was I ever ready for Bella?

I glanced out the window before me and my eyes instantly found the woman who
had been my wife. She was standing in the middle of a group of women laughing.
I could not imagine what she needed to say to me. The thought of her words
made me sick to my stomach. I knew she had to hate me, after all if I were her, I
would have.

I thought back to our final days as husband and wife. They were as chaotic and
emotional as our first days together, just different emotions this time. After the
night I witnessed her break down at her father's grave, I promptly called my
attorney in the morning to take care of the matter. I told him to give Bella
whatever she wanted: the house, alimony, child support, her college expenses,
Seth's college expenses and everything else she had asked for.

I refused to be responsible for ending Bella's life and that's what was happening.
She was dying each day and it was because of me. My attorney seemed startled
by my change of heart, but advised me that he would notify her attorney and
have the papers drafted that morning. I was able to sleep after a night of
insomnia knowing that my actions would bring Bella peace.

One day passed without any further word from my attorney. I was waiting to
hear that Bella had accepted my offer and that the divorce could be over. I still
didn't want that, but if it made it easier for Bella then I would agree to it.

I waited impatiently for word from Bella's attorney or mine, but nothing came. My
day dragged on into night since I no longer had work to fill it with. All I had was
bare walls of my apartment and the TV. It was lonely and a constant reminder of
my fuck-ups.

Some time in the evening I dozed off only to be awakened by pounding on the
front door. It was midnight and since no one ever came over except my parents,
it seemed odd to have a visitor at this hour.

I stumbled towards the door as the pounding became more loud and frenetic in
effort to draw my attention. I looked out the peephole to make sure that it wasn't
a drunken Tanya since she had made an appearance here like that before. Tanya
had been angry over my so called lack of attention. She somehow thought that
since Bella and I were in the throes of a divorce, she would be taking her
supposed rightful place beside me. The truth was harder for her to accept. I only
went to visit her every so often and only to work off frustration. I had no interest
in her other than sex and this somehow hurt her, even though I had never lied to
her about my intentions with her.

Once I looked out into the hallway, I found an angry looking Bella pounding upon
my door as if the devil himself was chasing her. It seemed out of character for
her to here, but really I had no idea what was in character for Bella now. It had
been so long since I had truly paid attention to her that this might be normal for
her now.

I opened the door quickly to quiet the commotion she was making in the hall.
Before I could even speak Bella pushed past me and walked with determination
into my apartment. I watched her, unsure of what reaction to give her since part
of me was beyond thrilled that she came to see me and the other part knew it
was because of the ending of our marriage.

"Bella?" I questioned as I closed the door behind her before following her into the
bare living room that I had been dozing in. She was scrutinizing my home and
suddenly I felt very uncomfortable since she would know how little I had without
her in my life. I watched as her brown eyes took in the new leather couch with
matching love seat along with the big screen TV. I knew her, or at least I thought

I knew her well enough to know that she was silently judging me over my lack of
care to details in my new home.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting something," she said as she waved her hand
around in a nervous fashion. I couldn't figure out what she was suddenly
embarrassed about, then I watched her eyes flicker to the two empty beer bottle
on the battered coffee table my mother had gifted me with.

"There's no one here. Those are mine," I stuttered, almost pleading with her to
know that I was alone here. She eyed me for a moment, showing her distrust of
my statement before looking around the room once more.

"I've never had anyone here," I said as I stepped closer only to watch her step
back from me automatically while she rolled her eyes at my statement. It was
true I had never brought Tanya here, but why would she believe me when I had
brought her into what had been our home.

"Listen, Edward, I 'm not here to judge you on your lifestyle choices…" she
started to say as I cut her off.

"Don't Bella, please," I pleaded as she looked away from me once more. That
moment of her eyes off of me gave me a chance to try to pull myself together.

"Fine," she huffed as she looked at the only picture on display. It was our
wedding picture. We were young and so in love in it. I liked to have it out since it
reminded me of better days that had long past.

"Edward, I came over here tonight to figure out what is going on," she said as I
felt her temper flare again. There was a hard edge to her tone as she spoke to
me while avoiding eye contact. She seemed to focus only on our picture.

"What do you mean?" I asked her confused as to why she was so angry.

"I got a phone call from my lawyer advising me that you were accepting all of my
requests and now wanted a speedy divorce," she said with a slight laugh in her
voice that made me want to hear it again.

"Yes, I did," I whispered to her as I watched her eyes flash red hot in anger at
me once more. The woman confounded me as she stood before me blazing hot in
fury after I had given her everything she had wanted.

"Why now? Why are you giving in now? What? Did you finally knock up that
whore and need to marry her?" she demanded with an angry laugh as she
stepped away from me in disgust. There was distrust on her face as she looked at
me.

"I'm just…I'm just am trying to make things better for you," I stammered stupidly
as I stepped closer to her. This woman had always been able to render me stupid
and even now in the midst of our end it was no different.

"Better for me? When have I ever been a concern of yours?" she demanded with
a hard laugh as she stood there glaring at me in anger.

"You've always been on my mind, you know that," I managed to whisper as I felt
the pain of my heart ripping in two before her. My statement made her laugh
even harder as if she had lost her mind.

"Me? On your mind?" she asked in a fit of laughter that made me cringe over the
harsh tone. I deserved her anger, but it hurt all the same.

"Yes, always," I responded as she looked at me while shaking her head.

"Amazing," she whispered in disbelief as she looked away.

"I know how it must look," I tried to reason with her as I tried to keep my
distance, but could not stop myself from stepping closer to her. It was as if I was
unable to stop myself. I needed to be closer to her. I needed to feel the warmth
of her skin, but I knew she would not allow it.

"You know nothing!" she growled at me as she turned away while wiping at her
eyes to cover her tears, but I could still hear them in her voice.

"I do! I know that you were all I've ever thought about and I'm sorry Bella. I am
so fucking sorry! I'll be sorry to my dying day!" I said in a flurry of words as she
staggered away from me.

"I never cared for her. I am not marrying her and she sure as hell is not
pregnant! I always loved you even when I didn't act like it!" I pleaded frantically
as she stepped closer to the door.

"I will always love you and I need you to know that," I continued on in a rush of
emotion as Bella stopped her stumbling towards the door to stare at me in
disbelief.

"Edward, stop," she held up her hand as if my simple words hurt her.

"You don't know what love is," she muttered to me as she looked away from me
with hurt in her eyes.

"If you agree to it, my attorney will draft up the papers and the divorce can be
finalized," I said as I choked on the words that I spoke to her.

"You won't fight any more?" she asked me as distrust crept into her voice again.

"I promise," I said and then watched her flinch at my poor choice of words.

"I don't want your promises Edward, they're worthless," she said as her simple
statement cut me deeply. She was right though. I had broken every promise I
had ever made to her. I had lied, cheated and destroyed what we had together
with every careless act I committed. I did it all and it was now my place to walk
away from her.

"Ok, then take my assurances that I am done fighting with you," I said as she
nodded her head as if she was in agreement. I watched as she turned to leave
me in silence. I wanted to beg her to stay. I wanted to beg her to forgive me and
allow me one more chance at being the man only she could help me be. I needed
her and all the light that she brought into my life, but there was no going back
now.

~*~

I hid in the study avoiding others as much as I was avoiding Bella. It had been
too long since I had been back here. A year was a long time to be gone. So much
had changed in the year and a half since I had been here, yet nothing had
changed. My wife, or should I say ex-wife, still consumed me like a wild fire as I
sat there thinking of her.

"There you are," I heard my father call to me from the door way as a greeting.

"Hey Dad," I replied with an awkward wave of my hand while he smiled broadly
at me.

"I wasn't sure if you would make and Bella was beside herself that you would
not," he said with a laugh as I shook off the pang of regret that washed over me
when he said my Bella's name.

"Well, getting a flight out of the Congo was easier than I had thought it would
be," I offered casually as an explanation for my presence when I had told him
that there was no way I would make it back here in time for Seth's party. I had
used my being a world away as an excuse to miss my only son's graduation just
so I could avoid his mother and all the guilt that came with seeing her.

"I am so glad you are here," he said with a bright smile as he stepped closer to
embrace me in a warm hug. It was so like my father to be thrilled that I was
home even though I had dreaded this visit.

"So, how are things?" he asked me as he relinquished me to sit down on the
leather couch. I didn't know what to say. So much had happened, but yet nothing
at all.

"Things are good," I replied with a slight smile as he nodded his head at me.

"When you are ready to come back, you just say the word and your position is
waiting for you," he said happily as he smiled at me.

"Thanks, Dad," I replied as I looked away since I wasn't ready to discuss coming
back here yet. Too much was riding on the idea of me coming back. Too much
weighted that decision down.

"You look good, Edward," Dad said with an approving tone after a long bout of
silence. I felt better than when I had left, but that wasn't saying much since when
I had left Seattle I had all but burned the city down to the ground in effort to
escape it.

"Well, don't hide out in here. Come on and enjoy the party," he called to me as
he stood up to leave me to join the others like the good host he always was.

"I will. Just give me a moment," I said as I looked out the window to the crowd
below.

"I know it's been a while, but there are people who are happy that you are here,"
he said as I nodded that I understood even if I didn't believe him.

I looked out over the crowd and saw many familiar faces, but not the one I
wanted to see. She was nowhere to be found, instead my eyes focused upon
James Laurent. I am sure Bella had invited him specifically for me. She had no
idea that he was one of the last people I wanted to see in my quiet return to
Seattle.

James had taken pity on me in the weeks leading up to and right after my
divorce. He was there when the divorce papers were delivered for me to sign and
return. He witnessed my complete break down and remained my friend. That
made my betrayal of that friendship all the worse.

I remember how after Bella left me alone in my apartment it only took a day for
my attorney to draw up the terms of our divorce. The papers were sent off to
Bella and I received my own set to sign and return. I remember looking over the
stack of official documents. It was depressing that after sixteen years, our

marriage, our life together was condensed into legal jargon concerning who
owned what and how much I had to pay.

I left the papers on my table for a few days as I sulked over the end of marriage.
I replayed every good memory I had and wondered how I had destroyed it all. I
thought of my time with Tanya and while it had been exciting it was never as
fulfilling as any moment I had with Bella. It had been exciting with Tanya because
it was new and she was so willing to do whatever I asked, but she never held the
depth or emotion that my relationship with Bella did. I never bothered to
memorize Tanya's body nor had I spent hours tracing every freckle, and scar like
I had with Bella. I had never cared to, yet my time with her cost me everything.

The papers mocked me each time I passed them as I allowed them to sit for a
day without my signature. I knew the right thing was to sign them and be done. I
had fucked up and now I would pay the price for such fuckery. It's just that the
price was so high.

I had received a phone call from my attorney that afternoon advising me that
Bella had signed the papers and they were only waiting on me so they could be
filed with the court. I don't remember what I said in return as I ended the call. I
was lost to the fact that Bella had signed the papers. She had signed to end our
marriage while I barely looked at the documents.

I found myself that night wandering around the city as I thought about how it had
come to this point. How I had let it come to this point. I was haunting our old
favorite places, the ones that held special meaning to me and what had been my
life with Bella. I walked around the campus of UW stopping on the bench where
Bella told me that she was pregnant with Seth. I remember that day so clearly
and how I was not afraid. We were so young, only nineteen, but I knew there was
no one else for me except Bella. It was in this place that I had asked her to marry
me for what had to be the hundredth time since I had asked many times before
since we were sixteen, but it was in this place that she first said yes to me. As I
sat there I could picture her face bright with a smile as tears fell down her cheek
as she agreed to marry me. I could almost taste the saltiness of her tears and the
peppermint from the mint she was sucking on when I kissed her. The image of
this moment, where we both were so happy and so sure of our love, nearly
crushed me as I sat there, willing the pain to stop.

I left the campus and soon I found myself parked outside of the small, yet
elegant restaurant that had been a favorite of Bella's. We had spent countless
anniversaries here celebrating our marriage. I tried to remember the last
anniversary spent here, but knew it would be a bitter memory. I had left Bella
there alone with a simple text message telling her I wouldn't make it there since
work needed me more. After work I went for a drink at the bar with some co-
workers, before leaving with Tanya. When I finally came home that night Bella
was asleep and I found my anniversary meal wrapped in foil waiting for me in the
fridge. She didn't speak to me for three days afterwards, not that I cared at time.
I told myself she would get over it and she did, or so I had thought.

I parked the car and sat outside the restaurant as I tried to remember all the
good times we had together here. There had been happy anniversaries with
romantic meals that ended in steamed up car windows since I couldn't wait to get
home to be inside of her. There had been times when we could hardly make it
through the entre before leaving to make love. I could barely remember those
times since all the anger and betrayal seemed to burn those memories to ash.

I got out of the car and found myself lurking on the sidewalk. I wanted to see a
happy couple sitting at what had been our table. I needed affirmation that not all
was lost. It was simple and stupid, but I needed it like the air that I breathed.

The words if you love something set it free; if it comes back, it's yours, if it
doesn't; it was never yours to begin with rang through my head thanks to Vicky
Laurent James's wife who had visited me earlier that day as a sign of support.
She had been one of the nurses who had worked the night that I had taken down
Riley Biers. She knew I was in pain and went out of her way to try to comfort me
even if she was one of Bella's friends.

"Edward, you will be fine," she said to me over a cup of coffee with reassurance
burning in her blue eyes so brightly that it almost hurt to look at her.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked her, uncertain of everything now.

"Because you are who you are and people love you, Edward, even if you're hard
to love at times," she said as she took hold of my hand to give it a squeeze.

The sound of laughter brought me back to the present as I gazed into the window
of the restaurant. I scanned the crowd to find what had been our table and was
immediately shocked to find Bella sitting there. She was surrounded by Alice and
Rosalie. She wore her bright red dress that always made her look like sex and
want all wrapped up in one woman. Her eyes shone brightly with laughter and
while she was still too thin, her figure was impeccable as she leaned over the
table, proudly putting her tits on display without realizing it.

She was beautiful and shockingly glorious in her laughter. I could not think of the
last time she laughed when she was with me and the thought of that made my
heart sick.

I watched as the three women took hold of champagne glasses and Alice made a
toast that I could not hear while Bella blushed a lovely shade of red. They were
celebrating and it only took a moment for me to realize what they were
celebrating. They were celebrating the end of my marriage.

I staggered back from the window letting the truth of the situation wash over me.
Bella was happy now that our marriage was over. She was thrilled to be free of
me and I truly could not blame her. I had robbed her of her dignity and self worth
over the last two years. I had decimated her at every given opportunity so it
would be foolish on her part not to feel some relief that I was no longer a threat
to her, but to me it was devastating.

I stumbled back to my car and drove back to the empty apartment that was now
my home sweet home. I barely remember making it inside before the blinding
pain of my heart shattering consumed me whole. I signed the divorce papers and
dropped them in the mail box in my apartment lobby before locking myself away
from the world.

I stayed holed away in my bed for days, unable to function as the memory of
Bella's laughter haunted me. It was on the third day that Vicky appeared out of
nowhere with coffee and donuts in her hand.

"Edward, you need to pull it together," she said to me as I walked away from her
to shower while she cleaned my apartment with a scowl upon her face. There was
nothing to clean. No dirty dishes. No dirty clothes, nothing, but dust that had
accumulated on what little furniture I had.

While I showered I could hear her ranting over the lack of food in the house. She
was pissed over my lack of general care for my own well being. It was nice to be
cared for after going months without another soul giving a damn about me.

"How's James?" I called out, hoping to redirect her fury towards her own husband
as I listened to her bitch and moan about not having cream for her coffee.

"James is busy at work as always," she called back to me in a tired sigh. James
worked in the hospital lab. He was always there, putting in endless hours as he
worked for the greater good of all patients. He was a good man who worked hard
to make the world a better place, unlike myself who worked for the betterment of
only me.

"You need to tell him not to work so hard," I called out as I dressed to meet her
in my small kitchen. I could hear her snort of laughter over my words since we
both knew no matter what she said to him it would not change his tactics or work
ethic.

I slipped on my frayed jeans and a t-shirt. It felt wrong not to be in scrubs, but I
would have to get used it since I was on leave now.

"Look at you! You look almost human!" Vicky teased me as she looked at me over
her cup of coffee. Her bright blues shining with laughter as her lovely face held a
warm smile for me. I rolled my eyes at her, but accepted her cup of coffee that
she had brought for me.

Vicky had been the best nurse I had ever worked with in the hospital. She also
was the only nurse who continued to talk to me after the scandal of my affair
broke in the gossip circles. She never claimed to understand why I did it and she
sure as hell told me how wrong she thought I was for treating Bella so badly, but
she didn't hate me over it like so many did. Oddly, my bad behavior seemed to
strengthen our friendship as she became a caring friend who helped me when I
needed it most.

I watched her as she sat in the limited sunlight of my kitchen. It made her red
hair glow like a fire halo around her.

"Vic, you know you should probably find better friends," I said as I looked away
from her as she laughed at me again.

"Aw poor Edward! Feeling sorry for you again?" she teased as I gave her the
finger. This was the relationship I had with Vicky. She would tease and cajole me
into a better mood. I wasn't exactly sure what I offered her in return and when I
asked her she would just roll her eyes at me.

My cell phone rang, breaking up her laughter and turning it into surprise since no
one really called me outside of her or James. It was a number I didn't recognize
so I answered it slowly.

"Is this Mr. Cullen?" the young female voice asked sounding very unsure of
herself.

"Dr. Cullen," I corrected stiffly since I had no idea who I was speaking with.

"Dr. Cullen! I am so sorry! Ms. Swan never made mention of you being a doctor,"
she apologized profusely, but I was lost by her mentioning Ms. Swan.

"Ms. Swan?" I questioned as I turned away from Vicky so she wouldn't see the
hurt on my face. I knew Bella was going back to her maiden name, but this was
the first time I had heard it being used.

"Yes, Ms. Swan gave me your contact number. She said the remaining items in
the house belong to you so I'm contacting you in hopes of finding out when those
items would be removed," she said in a professional tone that grated on my
nerves.

"Items in the house?" I questioned since I had no idea what she was talking
about.

"Yes, the items left behind at 2315 Mockingbird Avenue. Since the home is in the
process of being sold and Ms. Swan has vacated the property I was inquiring
when the last items would be removed or if you are planning on leaving them for
the new buyers," she asked me in a clipped tone showing her irritation with me.
Bella had sold our house. She sold the fucking house that she had fought me for.

My anger roared inside of me as I listened to the young woman prattle on about
possession dates and left over items.

"Listen, I don't have a key to get in, but I would love to come over and see what
items are supposedly mine since I had taken everything that I was allotted when
I left," I yelled in anger at her as I felt Vicky's hand rest upon my shoulder in
effort to calm me

"Calm down," I could hear Vic whisper to me as the woman on the phone made
arrangements for me to have access to the house. She was willing to meet me
over there in an hour if I was able to make it. I readily agreed as I felt Vicky's
hand squeezing my shoulder as I tensed under her touch.

The hour passed slowly as I ranted about Bella selling the house without
consulting me. Vicky listened to me bitch and moan about how little I knew about
what was going on in Bella's life.

"Edward, you know she doesn't have to consult you any more, right?' she asked
me as I growled in frustration over the situation.

"But she loved that house. She wanted that damn house. I gave her that house
so she would have what she wanted. It had been her dream, Vic," I said as I felt
despair wash over me since this was just one more thing that I had failed at with
Bella.

"She loved that house," I said as I turned to face her and noticed the grimace
that was on her face. I knew that grimace. I knew from years of working with Vic
that she knew what Bella had done before I had.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked her, not bothering to explain myself since she
would know what I meant. She would know that I was asking why she didn't tell
me about Bella selling our home.

"Because it was hers to sell. Can you really blame her?" she asked me, taking me
by surprise as I gawked at her.

"You brought that girl into her home, your home with Bella, and fucked her there.
Why would Bella want that memory?" she asked me, catching me off guard as I
sat there stunned.

"But all the Christmases, birthdays, and holidays..." I stuttered trying to make
sense of Bella's rational of selling the one thing she had fought me over.

"You fucked another woman in her house. If I was her I would've burned the
fucking place down while dancing around it. I think she's being generous by
selling it," Vic said in an off handed manner that had always made me smile, but
this time only made me feel sick. I had never thought about what it would have
been like for Bella to come home every night knowing what had occurred there.

"Come on, I'll go with you," she said as she pushed at my shoulder to get me
moving once more. Vicky offered to drive since I was still beside myself with
anger over Bella's decision. She had sold the damn house just as I had
requested, except she kept the profit. I was still bemoaning the fact when Vicky
pulled into the driveway of my former home. I sat in the car just looking at the
house for a moment while Vicky chatted on the phone to James, telling him
where she was and that she had me with her.

I got out of the car and was greeted by a small blond woman who spoke too fast
and smiled too much for my personal taste. I followed her into the back since she
was letting us in through the back door. We had to pass the tree where the tire
swing I had built for Seth still stood. It was unnerving to see it there, looking so
forlorn.

"Here we are Dr. Cullen. I will step out and you can sort out what was left. Let
me know if there is anything I can do to help you," the woman called as she
opened the back door before motioning for us to enter.

"If you know what Bella left you better just tell me now," I whispered in anger to
Vicky as she turned to look back at me wide eyed.

"I have no idea," she whispered back as she walked into the house ahead of me.
The house was silent except for our breathing. I turned the corner and walked
into an empty kitchen. The table and chairs were gone and the counter tops bare.
It seemed so wrong for the room that had always been the heart of the home to
be so empty.

I continued walking, by passing the front room to go into my office since that had
to be where Bella had left whatever for me. I opened the office door and found
the room empty which left me surprised now since I had no idea what Bella had
left for me. I could hear Vicky roaming around the house and then her
movements came to a stop in the hallway.

I followed the sound and found her standing outside of what had been Bella and
my bedroom before my night with Tanya. I elbowed Vic out of the way to step
inside the bedroom to discover what Bella had left for me.

There in the bedroom, I found what had been our bedroom set. It was the bed,
headboard and footboard with mattress and bedspread over it just as I had left it
the night with Tanya. The night stand on my side still had our wedding picture on
it as well as a book with a book mark tucked neatly in it. It was as if time had
stood still in this room since the night I was caught with Tanya. It was disturbing
to find the room the exactly the way I had left it.

Vicky left me alone to face the demons I had created alone. It was better that
way since there was nothing she could say to make it better. I walked into the
room and sat down upon the bed. Bella had left this bedroom as a monument to
the night I destroyed our marriage. She had left this room for me to clean up,
box away and deal with. I could not blame her for leaving it for me, but at the

same I hated her for reminding me that it was my entire fault that our marriage
was over.

I walked out of the room and discovered the same thing in the living room. Bella
had left me the couch where I had fucked Tanya before she came home that
night. I looked over at Vicky, who was looking away from me in what could have
been embarrassment or maybe she was just giving me the moment I needed to
acknowledge the epic mistake I had made with my life.

"I'll call to have movers come get your things until you can figure out what you're
going to do with them," Vic offered as she walked out of the mostly empty room,
leaving me alone in my own guilt and shame.

~*~

I watched from the study as James moved effortlessly through the crowd. He had
a firm grip on his son Julian as he paraded him around like the crowned prince he
was. James and Vicky were never to have had children. He had been told that the
cause was his due to his limited sperm mobility, yet there was their son. He
never seemed to notice how that boy did not resemble him and if he did never
mentioned it.

I watched Julian with his chubby legs dangling over James's arm as he passed
him around like the proud papa he was. It was sweet and soul crushing all at
once. Everyone said that he looked like his mother, but Vicky and I both whole
heartedly agreed that the child looked like his father.

Vicky became my constant after my divorce. She was there for everything and I
was there for her. James was always busy with work, leaving her alone to her
own devices. She always seemed so lonely and lost when we would meet up for
coffee or a movie. It would leave me wondering if this was the emotional state I
would leave Bella in every time I canceled plans or just didn't show up when I
should have.

"I should have been better to her," I announced one day to Vicky over coffee in a
coffee shop that was close to the hospital since she was going into work. She
would always allow myself inflicted painful comments about Bella, which was
something that my family would not tolerate.

"Yes, you should have," she replied with a smile as before continuing reading the
book she brought along to fill the silence when I refused to speak.

"I wonder how she's doing," I said off handedly, knowing that Vicky had gone out
to dinner with her the night before last. I smiled as I listened to her sigh as she
closed her book to turn to speak to me.

"If you want to know what she said then just ask me," she said with a shake of
her head as she looked at me with a scowl that made me laugh.

"Yes, I want to know," I said with a slight chuckle that made her smile back.

"She's doing well. She sold the car the car you bought her," Vicky said with a
mischievous smile since she knew I would go fucking nuts over that, even though
I tried to hide it.

"Really?" I asked her trying to down play my irritation.

"Yeah, she bought a black mustang convertible. You know how much she has
always wanted one of those," Vicky continued on with a bright smile as I shook
my head no over her words.

"She knows how I feel about convertibles. They can be so dangerous…" I started
to say as I found my anger rising over Bella's risky behavior.

"Yeah, I'm sure she remembers and that's probably why she bought it, but you
need to remember she doesn't answer to you anymore," Vicky said as her words
sobered me quickly. I wasn't Bella's husband any more. I wasn't her anything,
any more. I was just the guy who writes her alimony and child support checks. I
was just the guy who would love her to her dying day even if I was too much of a
dumbfuck to show it.

"Hey," Vicky said as I found myself lost inside my own head like seemed to be
most of the time now.

"Oh, well, good for her," I said weakly as I looked away from her quickly.

"I haven't told her that I have been spending time with you, but I think she
knows. She thanked me and James for watching out for you," Vic said in a soft
tone as she smiled slightly for me. It was kind of them to take me in like the
stray dog I had become.

"She still cares for you, you know," Vic said as I rolled my eyes at her statement.

"She does. She just doesn't trust you and doesn't believe that you ever cared
about her at all," Vic said, ripping my heart out at her words. How could Bella
ever believe that? How she even think that?

"I always cared and loved her more than what was probably right," I whispered
as Vicky looked at me with her sad blue eyes, but remained silent.

"So, how is the Doctors Without Borders thing going?" she asked me changing
the subject abruptly.

Doctors Without Borders was a program I was thinking about joining after my
failed marriage ended. I was being forced into a leave to take care of my personal
affairs, but really my affairs were taken care of and now I was just bored. I
needed to work. It had always been my outlet and my life was in shambles
without it.

"It looks good. I've filled out the paper work and have set the appointment for
the physical. I completed the interview and they are interested in placing me
soon since I can speak French and you know the medical needs in the Haiti as
well as Niger," I said as I took a drink of my coffee.

"Yeah, I thought about going with you," she said simply, taking me by surprise as
I gawked at her while she tugged on her curly red hair in a manner so
reminiscent of my wife that it made my heart hurt.

"Why? What about James?" I asked her as I sputtered over my coffee while she
blushed a little before laughing at my display.

"He won't even know I'm gone," she replied back with a wave of her hand as she
looked away from me, but I could see the pained look on her lovely face. It
reminded me of Bella, that look of masked pain. I had seen it on her face to
many times to count as I disappointed her time and again over the years. I

wondered if Bella had ever made plans of running away from me and better yet,
would I have even noticed that she was gone?

Vicky left me to go to work while I resumed my life on hold. I found myself
consumed by Bella once more. The tidbits of information that Vicky offered were
never enough it was like they would just wet my appietite for information about
her. I hated it with a fucking passion that I was finding out about her second
hand through friends. I hated that I caused this with my own stupidity.

At Vicky's suggestion I continued on with my counseling sessions. She had tricked
me into going by reminding me that if Bella ever did come back to me it would be
because I was a healed man, a better man, that what I had been. This was
something I could not argue with since I knew that fixing myself was my only
shot at ever having her back, that is if she ever wanted me back.

It was with that hope that l left the coffee shop to meet Alistair. He knew all my
dirty secrets so I stayed with him as my counselor and for the most part I found
him to be incredibly useless. He only listened to me, never really directing me in
any which path I could take. He liked that I had found friends to connect with,
even though he wasn't aware of their connection to my wife since I knew he
would frown upon that. The sessions were once a week and I always left his office
feeling as if I was one step closer to being the man I should have been for Bella.

I could exist without Bella. I could fill my time with idle conversation with Vicky,
an evening out with James and the occasional book that I would read since I had
nothing but time on my hands, however it was at night that I was lost without
her. I missed her warmth next to me and I had no doubts that it would never
change. I missed her talking in her sleep and then snuggling close. I just missed
her.

Most nights I stayed awake, watching TV while wondering where Bella was and if
she missed me too. I would talk to my son and remind him that I was still here if
he ever decided to forgive me. It was lonely and torturous, but I managed.

I was only killing time until I left and that time was limited since the organization
was very interested in having me join them as soon as possible. When I told Bella
I was leaving she didn't seem surprised.

I had caught her alone on her way out of work one night. Bella nearly screamed
in fright as I appeared beside her car door. I'm not sure if I scared her because I
was waiting by her car in a dark parking lot like some creeper or just because it
was me waiting for her.

"Jesus, Edward! You could have called!" she hissed in anger as she ran a shaky
hand through her dark hair. I had scared her. I hadn't meant to, yet whenever it
came to Bella I always seemed to ruin it.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you, I just needed to talk. I didn't think
you would take my call," I said honestly as I looked into her lovely face. She was
still too pale and too thin. It hurt to see the damage I had caused shining back at
me from the one person I never wanted to break.

"I never wanted to hurt you," I whispered, allowing the truth to slip out of my lips
as I watched Bella stiffen immediately over my words. She knew it was lie. She
knew from counseling that my affair at the beginning had started intending to
hurt her. I had fucked Tanya for a year hoping to hurt her in order to ease the
ache I felt inside of me. She knew that each time I took Tanya it was with
knowing that she would bleed.

"Well, you did, so mission accomplished," she said in a tight voice as her words
stabbed into my chest. She remembered my intent as well.

"What do you need, Edward," she said in a tired voice. It was as if even talking to
me drained the life from her. Bella looked away from me as if it hurt her too
much to even look at me now and the sad part was I understood her. It did hurt
to look at her, but I had to. I had to look at her since I needed the reminder of
what I had done.

"I wanted you to be the first to know that I was leaving," I said in a more
confident voice that how I felt inside.

"Thanks. Vicky told me when I went out to dinner with her the other night," she
said in a sigh as she looked at me with knowing eyes. She knew I had lied once
more. I could never do anything right when it came to her.

"Yeah, I guess I did tell them," I mumbled as I looked away, shaking my head at
my failure here.

"It will be for about a year, maybe under. I just wanted you to know," I said
while exhaling loudly before looking down at the woman who would always own
my heart.

"Don't worry though. I had my attorney arrange to have the checks keep coming
so Seth and you will be fine," I said in a nervous rush as I looked at her beautiful
face. Bella was looking at me. Her brown eyes were focused on me and in that
moment I felt naked before her. I knew she could see every flaw, and every
failure that I had created. I also hoped that she could still see that even through
out all of my failures and broken dreams that I still loved her beyond words,
beyond reason.

Bella wordlessly stepped closer to me. Her beautiful brown eyes held a mix of
emotion that made my heart pound in my chest. Our bodies were close enough
now that I could smell her spicy perfume and feel her body heat. It was
intoxicating and painful since it had been ages since she had been that close to
me. I ached for her. I ached for her touch and kiss. I ached just to be close to
her.

I took a moment to breathe her in before I attempted to step back, but Bella
stopped me. She wrapped her arms around me to pull me close and I was frozen
in amazement over her actions. She was hugging me and it took a moment for
my senses to come to life so I could hug her back.

I wrapped my arms around her frail body and held her tight against me. I
pressed my face into her hair just breathing her in as she pressed her face tight
into my neck. I could feel her warm breath against my skin as we clung to each
other tightly in that dark parking lot as if nothing else mattered than each other.

I felt my heart leap in limited hope as Bella squeezed me tighter before
whispering in my ear, "Be safe, Edward."

~*~

I stayed in the study thinking about my final days here in Seattle before I left for
my time in Africa. They were a blur of emotions. I hated leaving, yet I knew I had
to. I had to step away from everything and everyone if I was expected to move
on with my life after the divorce.

I watched from the window as Bella talked with another group of people that I
didn't know. I hated that I didn't know her anymore. Bella and I had kept in
touch while I was gone through letters. I would tell her about grueling days and
things that I had seen. She would respond with keeping me up to date on Seth
and my family, but never her. She never mentioned what she was doing or if she
was seeing anyone.

"Your dad said you were hiding out in here," I heard the teasing tone of Vicky call
to me, pulling me out of my thoughts as I stared out the window. I turned to look
at her.

"Vicky," I said with a smile as I she crossed the room to give me a tight hug. We
were still friends even though she had made it difficult to remain that way.

"You look good Edward," she said as she held me in a tight embrace that made
me smile.

"So do you. Motherhood suits you," I said as we stepped apart to face each other.
Vicky was another person I had kept in contact with during my exile. She would
send pictures and letters along with James.

"You are coming tomorrow right?" she asked me in a stern fashion as if I would
miss the baptism of my god son.

"Of course, I said I would so I will be there," I replied with a firm nod as she
rolled her eyes at me.

"How are you and James?" I asked as her smile turned brighter over my
question. I knew from James that they were good, but then again James never
knew that they hadn't always been good.

"Good. He takes time off now and just a regular family man," she said with a
slight giggle as I shook my head, unsure if this was a good thing or not.

"Does he know?" I asked her while watching her smile falter a little. She knew
what I was asking without me saying another word.

"I don't think so," she replied as a fidgety hand came up to run through her
messy red curls. The room went silent under the weight of our conversation
before Vicky left. She made me promise I would stop sulking and come out to
join the party within five minutes or she was coming back to drag me out of
hiding.

Vicky had made my last days difficult to say the least. She was needy and lost.
She was pissed that I was leaving, as if my standing would change a damn thing.
It was pointless since I couldn't have helped her if I stayed anyway.

During my final weeks in Seattle I had completed what was needed to leave. I
was ready to try to find peace somewhere, anywhere, but here. It hurt too much
to be here. It hurt knowing that somewhere in this city my Bella was out there,
making changes to her life that did not include me.

I had received word from Doctors without Borders that they would take me
immediately. They could not keep medical personnel in the Republic of the
Congo. The governing regime made care difficult and HIV was rampant while
children were malnourished. I had no doubts that it would be difficult, but I also
knew that working around the clock would keep mind off of Bella and whomever
it was that was warming her bed.

I had slowly worked down my list of things I needed to complete before leaving.
Some of these tasks were easy and other more difficult. The first one was asking
my parents to store my things while I was gone. Mom wasn't happy I was
leaving, yet Dad understood. He knew that I couldn't be here to witness Bella's
fresh start. They had offered to have me move in for the remain time left before
leaving the country. I was able to sublease my apartment to some woman that
Vicky knew who needed a place to live now that her marriage was ending as well.
I talked with Alistair, who wished me well and agreed that sometimes a clean
break is what is needed to move on after a tough ending. I hated that he told me
that since I knew he probably had recommended that to Bella as well.

I took one to officially end things with Tanya like I should have done before losing
everything. I remember how sick I felt knowing that I would have to face her
once more, but Alistair was right and this needed to be done. I needed her to
know that there was no room for her in my life, not that there ever was a place
for her before everything unraveled around me.

I went to the bar that Tanya worked at to see her. I hadn't seen her since before
my divorce, not that she hadn't tried to contact me. She had called and texted
multiple times, but I just couldn't respond. The last time I had been with her I
felt worse than when I had gone in there. I knew being with her was wrong. I had
known this since the beginning, however that night it went too far. I wanted to
hurt her. I had wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling. I gave no regard for her
feelings and when I left her in a heap on the owner's desk I knew it had to stop
before I killed her as well.

I paused outside of the doo to take a deep breath before walking inside. It had
over a month since I had been in here last and not to my surprise everything
looked the same. It was still dark and dingy. There were still hospital people
drinking, commiserating over a bad shift. There was still the old music from the
eighties. It was like walking back into a nightmare.

"Edward!" I heard Tanya call out to as she suddenly appeared from behind the
bar with a bright smile for me that seemed fake. I looked at her as she motioned
me closer while the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grew stronger.

"Oh baby, am I so happy to see you!"She exclaimed as while lunging for me. I
was able to sidestep her hug and take a seat at the bar in front of her. She
looked young and yet haggard as if the wear and tear from our so called
relationship was taking its toll.

I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I had nothing to say to her
as she stood before me. I found it to be awkward and painful to look at her
knowing that I had wasted my marriage over a piece of ass. I had thrown away a
solid marriage, and good wife over someone I had nothing to say to.

I didn't owe her an explanation. I didn't even owe her an I'm sorry since she
knew from the beginning that I was married. I had made it quite clear that I had
no intentions of leaving my wife. It wouldn't matter what I could possibly say to
her now since none of mattered. I wasn't sorry about what happened between
Tanya and me. I wasn't sorry for anything I had done to her. Why would I be?
Tanya was nothing to me and I had told her that repeatedly so if she had some
misconstrued idea of our arrangement it was on her, not me.

Tanya had been nothing to me. She had been a release for the anger I felt over
my disenchanted life. She had just been a warm pussy and nothing else. Just
someone to fuck away my anger over my own shortcomings and while she may

not have deserved to be treated like she had, she also had done nothing to stop
me.

I looked at her and I could see her need to please me. I could see how weak this
girl was and it disgusted me. Everything about her disgusted me just as it always
had, yet in the past I would just fuck her anyway. Tonight was different though
since I couldn't even find it in me want to fuck her now. It was like all the anger
was gone so she was no longer needed.

"Edward?" she questioned me in my silence as I continued to stare at her,
uncertain over what to say since I had nothing to say. Alistair was wrong. There
was nothing to share with girl since I had shared nothing with this girl outside of
sex.

I had nothing with her in the beginning and looking at her now, there was nothing
in the end. I stood up and promptly walked out of the bar without another look
back at the girl who was part of my downfall, knowing that there was no going
back to her ever and it felt liberating.

The days passed and as they did my world continued to move. I stayed busy and
while I was I fielded calls from James. While I did speak to him most days it was
odd for him to call so often in one day. He was looking for Vicky and to be honest
Vicky had been hard to find. I hadn't seen her in days, yet I never told James
that. It wasn't my place.

That night I was at home packing my apartment to have it all moved into storage
when there was a loud knock on the door. I had figured it to be Vicky since she
had been avoiding me for days now. I thought it was just her being mad over my
leaving since she was refusing to see why I needed to leave.

"About damn time you showed up," I said with a laugh as I opened the door
expecting my friend, but instead was greeted by a started looking Bella and an
angry looking Seth looming behind her.

"IF you're busy we'll leave," Bella said immediately while Seth's face brightened
over the idea of leaving here obviously.

"No. I thought you were Vicky and James," I stammered as I stepped back to
allow them to enter. Seth had never been to my apartment before. He had
always refused to come over, only meeting me at the restaurant our dinners
together. I knew his refusal was out of some loyalty to his mother even though
she had told him he should go.

"Sorry if we are interrupting. We just thought you could use the help. Right,
Seth?" she asked our son who nodded his head while rolling his eyes at me. They
stood in the middle of my bare living room, looking around before Bella broke the
silence by speaking.

"So? What should we do?" She asked me as she looked around at the boxes that
were piling up in the corner as I felt my heart pound in my chest in excitement as
well as dread. My family was here and even if it was possibly just to make sure I
was leaving, they were here all the same.

I directed Bella and Seth to what I had been working on before their arrival and
then watched with amazement as Bella took over packing what little dishes I had.
Seth followed suit by moving boxes for his mother before sweeping the floor at
her request.

We worked together in silence except for the play list from my iPod that looped
continuously around us. It was only awkward when the song that we danced to at
our wedding. It had always been our song. It played in the background the first
time we made love. Bella insisted it was the first song we danced to as man and
wife. It played in the background as part of Bella's soothing music when Seth was
born. The song held history for us so it seemed fitting to be playing as I packed
to leave them to their life without me.

"Hey, since everything is done, can I go?" Seth asked as he looked around the
room at the boxes we had filled. Our silent time together had been very
productive resulting in everything being packed except for what I needed and
what the movers would take care of. Bella looked at me with a smile, as I
nodded, letting my son off the hook from spending any more time around me. We
watched him leave as quickly as I agreed while Bella shouted instructions and
curfew times to our son as he left.

"Well, that was fast," I said with a nervous chuckle as I looked over at Bella. I
remembered a time when I looked forward to being alone with her, and now I felt
nothing but nervous dread. I still loved the girl. I would always love her, but now
I had no idea how to be with her.

We were no longer Edward and Bella the married couple. We were no longer
Edward and Bella, long time lovers who only knew each other's touch. We were
no longer anything except Seth's parents and yet that wasn't enough.

"I'm sorry about that. Seth…He's…" she stammered nervously, trying to explain
our son's rude behavior, but there was no need. I knew why he was behaving the
way he was. I knew and I understood. I hurt his mother. I wrecked his home life.
I ruined it all. If I was him I would hate me too.

"Don't worry about it Bella. Its fine," I soothed as I watched Bella tug at her ring
finger. In the past when ever Bella was nervous she would twirl her wedding
band. I wondered if she even notices that it was gone. I know I had.

"Really, Edward. I'm sorry about a lot of things," she said softly, causing my
heart to ache in my chest.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. Now, me on the other hand, I could have
spent a life time telling you how sorry I am," I said with a nervous chuckle that
she saw through like she always did when it came to me.

"No, I am sorry, Edward," she said with conviction as she met my gaze with her
determined one.

"I shouldn't have gotten upset over you telling Vicky or James first about your
leaving," she said in a firm tone that made me want to smile at her since it
reminded me of when we were dating and she would refuse to let me pay for
everything.

"They are your friends and you talk with them all the time. You don't owe me
anything and so why would I be the first person you would tell?" she continued
on as I shook my head no at her. I should have told her first. I should have made
her first in everything about my life.

"Please forgive me," she stuttered as she met my gaze with an earnest one of her
own. She felt bad for being snippy with me, but there was no need.

"Bella, there's no need…" I said as she stopped me with a shake of her head.

"Fine. Apology accepted," I murmured as she smiled somewhat happily over my
accepting her apology. It was simple and sweet. It made me ache since I knew
nothing was ever going to be simple or sweet between Bella and me again.

That night I walked Bella out to her car and managed to see her off without any
comments about how dangerous a convertible truly was or how much I worried
about her. We hugged briefly and then I watched her leave, knowing that I would
always be watching her leave me now.

I had barely gotten back inside the apartment when the pounding on the door
started. It was loud and grew frantic as I took my time answering the door. I
knew somewhere inside of my heart if I was being honest I had hoped that it was
Bella returning to me. I prayed that it was her, waiting for me as I opened the
door, but instead I found Vicky.

"Vicky?" I asked as I noticed how pale she looked as she stood there before me.
Her long red hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail and her cheeks were tear
stained.

"Oh, Edward," she sobbed in such a remorseful voice that my heart broke for her
just as she lunged, tossing herself at me for a surprise embrace.

Part 2

That night I walked Bella out to her car and managed to see her off without any
comments about how dangerous a convertible truly was or how much I worried
about her. We hugged briefly and then I watched her leave, knowing that I would
always be watching her leave me now.

I had barely gotten back inside the apartment when the pounding on the door
started. It was loud and grew frantic as I took my time answering the door. I
knew somewhere inside of my heart if I was being honest I had hoped that it was
Bella returning to me. I prayed that it was her, waiting for me as I opened the
door, but instead I found Vicky.

"Vicky?" I asked as I noticed how pale she looked as she stood there before me.
Her long red hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail and her cheeks were tear
stained.

"Oh, Edward," she sobbed in such a remorseful voice that my heart broke for her
just as she lunged, tossing herself at me for a surprise embrace.

That night that Vicky appeared at my apartment door changed everything. It
changed my friendship with the only people left in my life after I abandoned my
wife. It just changed everything and looking back I'm still not sure if I did what
would be considered the right thing, but there was no going back now for me or
for Vicky.

I remember how Vicky trembled against me as she sobbed uncontrollably. It
wasn't like her to be like this. Vicky Laurent was known for being calm and
collected in a crisis situation. She was known for her sound judgment and cool
demeanor. She was the perfect emergency room nurse, but in that moment you
would have never have guess that.

"Vicky what's wrong?" I asked her as I felt the sickening feeling of panic wash
over me. My mind went into over drive as I imagined every horrible scenario that
could occur. My mind raced with images of my Bella, cold and dead on a hospital
gurney or that same image but instead it was my son. Vicky couldn't speak, she

just continued to sob. Her hysterics were maddening as I demanded over and
over for her to tell me what was wrong.

"Damn it Vicky!" I yelled at her, shoving her away so I could look at her face. Her
eyes met mine and I could see panic in them as she struggled to calm her
breathing.

"What the hell is going on?" I demanded as I stepped back only to watch her
crumple on my floor before me as if I had struck her.

"He's going to kill me," she uttered in a ragged tone with her head hanging down,
causing her red hair to block the view of her face.

"Who's going to kill you?" I demanded as my irritation over her dramatic was
growing with each passing minutes that she remained silent.

"James," she uttered with defeat that surprised me. James was the gentlest man
I had ever met. He was kind and caring. He may not have been the best
considering time management with his wife, but who was? We all believed that
we had plenty of time to make up for the failings in our relationships, even if that
wasn't true.

"Why?" I asked her as I kneeled down on the hard wood floors beside her, urging
her on as she took a deep breath to calm her nerves enough to speak.

"Because," she said simply as she looked at me with despair in her eyes as she
silently pleaded with me to do something, anything, but what that was, I had no
idea.

"What's going on?" I asked her as I felt the sick feeling of panic was over me
again as she closed her eyes as if she was bracing for impact. I watched her
slowly open her eyes and met my gaze with one that made my stomach lurch
over the desolation that I saw there.

"I'm pregnant," she whispered to me in a voice that was full of dread as she met
my gaze, but none of it made any sense. I knew they had trouble conceiving. I
knew that they had managed for Vicky to get pregnant, but it had never gone to
completion. I knew from James the trouble was on his end due to poor sperm
quality as well as low mobility. I knew that James would be scared to subject
Vicky to another pregnancy that always seemed to end in heartbreak for them,
he had told me as much, but I could not imagine him being upset over this.

"Vic, you're over reacting. James will be worried about you, but he'll be thrilled,
hell, I'm thrilled for you," I said to her with a laugh as I brought my hand over to
her should give her a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

"No, Edward, you don't understand," she said in a whimper as I watched her
bottom lip quiver as if she was holding in the words that would hurt too much to
say.

"It's not his," she whispered softly with a wince of pain from the words she
spoke.

"What do you mean?" I asked her as I felt the numb of disbelief settle over me
while watching her tears start up again and work their way into sobs once more.

"What do you mean?" I demanded loudly from her as Vicky continued to wail
loudly as I waited impatiently for her answer. It took her fifteen minutes for her
to calm down enough to explain her dilemma.

Vicky spoke of being lonely and working late nights. She talked about how
unhappy she was and how one night after a bad night in the ER she went for
drinks with some of the staff. She told me with a shaky voice of how ended up
fucking Tyler Crowley back at his place.

"Tyler Crowley?" I repeated, questioning her since I could not believe that
anyone, let alone her, would fuck that arrogant prick.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I demanded from her as I stood up and
started pacing in my bare apartment. James would go nuts once he knew. He
fucking hated Tyler Crowley. Everyone hated Tyler Crowley.

"Don't you dare start with me!" she screamed in anger at me causing me to stop
in surprise as I stood there, gawking at her with shock.

"You had that little whore in your life for a year so you have no right to judge
me!" she screamed loudly as she tugged on her hair to pull it out of her face.

"Yeah, you're right, but I never got the whore pregnant," I yelled back with a
sarcastic laugh as I watched her wince over my reminding her of the extremely
fucked up situation she was now in because of her infidelity.

"No, you just fucked her in front of your wife!" she screamed in anger at me
causing me to flinch over her words. It was true and I hated that it was true. I
watched as Vicky slowly stood up. She acted as if every movement caused her
pain. The silence stretched between us as I looked away from her.

"Does he know?" I asked her, finally ending the silence that threatened to
swallow us whole in the empty room.

"I just told Tyler," she said with a soft whimper.

"He told me to prove it was his child and until I did, I could go fuck off," she said
as the tears started again. I wasn't surprised by his response. I had actually
witnessed him telling another woman the same thing after he had gotten a
hospital volunteer pregnant from their break room affair. I remember how
triumphant that same girl was after the child was born and testing showed that it
was indeed Tyler's daughter.

"Jesus, Vic," I mumbled as I walked back into my kitchen to grab a bottle of beer
out of the fridge before offering her a can of diet Coke. She greedily took the can
from my hands before opening it to take a long drink.

"What are you going to say to James?" I asked her, finally vocalizing the question
that had been lingering in the air around us. I watched as her lovely face took on
a determined look as her eyes met mine.

"Nothing and neither are you," she said simply in a firm tone that surprised me,
but I could tell she meant it. She truly meant for me to not say a word to James
about this matter.

"Vicky, he's my friend. I can't," I said as I tried to explain that I couldn't be a part
of this mess that she had created.

"You know, I knew you were cheating on Bella well before she did and yet every
Thursday when I met her for lunch I remained silent," she said in a determined
voice as I shook my head no at her. I knew that she had known about me and
Tanya. I knew all along that she knew, but I never cared about that any more
than what I had cared about Bella during that mess.

"I knew and had to look your wife in the eye while she told me how worried she
was about you. How fucking concerned she was about your damn mood swings.
How fucking bothered she was because you were no longer interested in sex with
her and then be questioned as to if I knew anything about what was going on,"
she said in a stronger voice as if she was struggling to keep it together.

"Why didn't you tell her?" I asked her for the first time ever, even though I had
always wondered why she had never told Bella.

"I wasn't going to be the one to hurt her like that. She was my friend. How could
I do that to her, you know?" Vicky said simply as she looked at me with cool look
in her eyes.

"And you won't want to hurt James like that either, so that's why you'll keep this
to yourself as well," she said as she wiped at the tears that started to fall once
more. She was right. As badly as James needed to know that the child Vicky was
caring wasn't his, I couldn't be the one to tell him and Vicky knew this. Instead, I
became a part of the lie that I knew someday, when the truth was exposed,
would destroy a family.

~*~

I watched the crowd continue to pass outside the house as I lingered in my
father's study. I couldn't find it in me to join these people. I couldn't stand the
idea of mingling with the people who were so quick to turn their back on Bella
after I had failed her. These were supposed to be her friends, but when she
needed them, hell when I needed them to be there to help her after my failure
they turned their back on her an walked away. I had no patience for people like
that even if Bella did.

"Edward, come on," I heard my mother called to me as a warning. She was tired
of my lurking. Mom was tired of my moping as she like to call it. Maybe I was
moping, but it was hard to be there, knowing that nothing was like it how it
should be. The worst part about that knowledge was that the blame fell squarely
on my shoulders.

"You need to stop this," she called to me from the door as she stood there with
her all knowing look on her lovely face. My mother knew better than most how I
hated what had happened, she also was the only one who ever called me out
over that as well.

"I just hate it," I said without looking at her, instead I looked out the window in
hopes that I would see Bella. I listened to her tired sigh as I continued to scan
the crowd, looking for the one face I wanted to see while I was here.

"Well, you know whose fault that is right?" she asked me in her smart ass fashion
that was like a knife through my heart. I knew my failed marriage, failed family;
my failed life was my entire fault. I didn't need her to remind me of my mistakes
since the reminders were everywhere I looked.

"Julian is super sweet. Does James know that the boy isn't his?" my mom asked
me in her blunt fashion that made me laugh out loud since I knew she was only
vocalizing what everyone else was thinking.

"I don't know. He hasn't said anything that I know of," I replied with a laugh as I
felt my hand rest her hand upon my shoulder. I continued to look for Bella, but I
couldn't find her anywhere in the people who were enjoying the afternoon in my
folk's back yard.

"She's on the patio," she said with a sigh, knowing just like always who I was
looking for, but then again I had spent half my life looking for Bella. I nodded,
acknowledging that mom had spoken, yet I had nothing more to add to it.

"She's happy, you know," mom continued on with a wistful sound of her voice
that cut me deep. I wanted Bella to be happy. I wanted her to smile and laugh
again. I wanted only good things for her, yet it hurt to know that she was happy
without me.

"You need to be happy too," Mom continued on as she patted my back in a
comforting manner that made me smile. I nodded in agreement, but didn't feel
like arguing with her that I was since I was too tired to lie effectively. Mom gave
me another moment of silence before taking hold of my hand to led me out of the
quiet sanctuary that I had found in the study to face the public.

I walked out into crowd and was immediately engulfed by the busybodies that
were all too happy to discuss my bad behavior. These vultures now surrounded
me, wanting to know about my time away, but I knew what they really wanted.
They really just want to know where and how I had continued to fail in my life.
They wanted know all of my mistakes. They were counting on me to fuck up since
my mistakes made them feel better about their pathetic lives. They would be
sadly disappointed to know how my life truly was now that Bella and I had parted
ways.

"So, Edward, what have you been up to?" Mike Newton asked me with that
smarmy smile that made my skin crawl. I could only pray that Bella never fell for
his fake concern now that I was out of the picture in her life.

"I've been busy," I replied coolly as I watched him eye another one of Bella's co
workers as if he was waiting for me to announce that I had spent the last nine
month fucking everything that walked, not trying to save the lives of dying
children.

"I bet you have," he said with a snicker that was all too telling over what was
going on in his dirty mind. It was after that snicker that I explained all that I had
seen while in Nigeria. I explained the starving people who just wanted food. I
explained diseases caused by contaminated water. I described the gut wrenching
sadness of mothers who watch their children die. I told him everything. The
sights, the smells and the horrible conditions. I explained the power struggles
and the people caught in the middle. I spoke of good doctors and nurses who
worked too hard to make too little of a difference in a too chaotic of a world.

I tried to explain that being there had changed my life. I wanted him to know
that I understood what had happened to me. I understood that I was too self
consumed and by myself consumption I lost it all, but he wasn't listening. My
story was too tame, too boring. He wanted sex and violence. He wanted three
somes and naughty nurses, unfortunately there nothing like that to share.

I watched him leave with a disappointed look on his ugly face as he walked away.
It made me thrilled to know that my lack of dalliances ruined his day. Fuck him.

"Hey Edward," I heard the voice I had dreamed of for the last nine months call to
me as I turned to leave the patio. It was the voice that I longed for on long days
and when I worked over night. It was the voice I heard when I read her letters
explaining whatever Seth had been up to. It was her voice that I wanted to hear
each night before falling asleep, yet never did.

"Bella," I said softly as her name sounded more like a prayer falling off my lips
instead of greeting to my long lost lover and former wife.

~*~

I stood there staring at the woman who had been my world and realized I was
fooling myself. Bella was still my world. She looked healthier. She had put back
on some of the weight she had lost due to stress because of me. She had her
coloring back and her eyes were shining. Mom was right. She was happy. That
happiness was written all over her beautiful face.

"I'm glad you were able to make back," she said simply as she gave me a sweet
smile. It seemed as if she truly meant what she had said.

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world," I replied with a smile as Bella laughed
at me.

"I'm sure," she snorted as I looked away from her. I had deserved that subtle dig
since I had missed everything else in our boy's life.

"Either way, I am glad you're here now," she finished with a bright smile as she
stepped closer to me. The air filled with her flowery perfume, robbing me of my
breath while making my cock go instantly hard. I had missed her and not just her
kind words or loving ways. I had missed her skin, her touch, and how she felt
beneath me. There was no one who could ever take her place no matter who I
fucked. It would always be her who owned me completely.

"Smile, we have an audience," Bella said softly as she nodded towards the group
of people watching us. I knew them all; they were other doctors from the hospital
and their wives. They were people who we used to have over for dinner parties
and who we had spent holidays with. I knew them all. I knew them well and yet
they watched Bella and me as if we were caged animals.

"I'll try my best not to embarrass you," I offered up lamely as Bella laughed
again.

"Those wonderful friends of ours stopped talking to me after your affair came out.
I guess they thought infidelity was contagious," she replied with a smirk that
made it clear the distaste she had for them, not that she had ever truly liked
them to begin with. They had been my friends. These people were ones that I
had sought out in an effort to advance myself and in the end they were really
only there for my downfall.

"No loss really," Bella said with a shake of her head as she motioned me forward
while prying eyes followed us. I glanced back at the table of people and found
them shocked that Bella and I were walking away from them together.

We looped the party area together, talking yet not touching. It was maddening. I
wanted to touch her. I wanted to take her hand. I wanted to tell her that I knew
how wrong I had been.

"So, I ran into Tanya not long after you left," Bella said out of the blue once there
was a lull in our conversation. My heart stopped in my chest as my blood turned
to ice over her words. Tanya and Bella did not run in the same circles so the
thought of them causally running into each other was out of the question. Tanya
had sought her out since there was no way Bella had gone looking for her.

"She came to my work," Bella said with an edge to her voice that made me
cringe.

"My work, Edward," she repeated slowly as if I was mentally slow.

"Your whore came to my work looking for you as if I…" she said with an angry
tone that trailed off as I listened, waiting for her to say as if I cared, but she
never said it. She stopped short of saying it.

"I'm sorry," I stuttered as I looked away from her while realizing some simple
truths about Bella and me now. I realized that no matter what happened the past
would always hurt her, that I would always hurt her.

"She was pregnant and I think looking for you for a paternity suit," Bella said with
a laugh while I choked over my slip of punch. I may not have been very careful
when it came to protecting myself when it came to sexually transmitted diseases,
but there was no way I was the baby's father.

"You should have seen her face when I told her that you had a vasectomy after
was Seth born," Bella said with a slight laugh. That vasectomy was a point of
tension always in our marriage since I had the procedure without consulting
Bella. I just came home one day, announcing that it was done. I could still hear
her sobs over lost opportunities for other children, making me feel like the world's
biggest asshole, but what she didn't understand was that I did it for her. She
almost died while having Seth. Everything about that pregnancy was a
complication from her blood pressure to the emergency c-section. I couldn't live
without her so it was my way of protecting her.

"She left after that and I don't know what happened to her then," she continued
on while not looking at me, instead she was scanning the crowd for Seth most
likely.

"I don't know or care about her. I haven't spoken to her since well before I left," I
managed to say, hoping to slowly ease the tension that had settled between us
once more.

"She was nothing, Bella," I said as I tried to explain as I watched Bella's face fall
before me into a deep scowl.

"Don't say that Edward since she was obviously enough to throw away our
marriage over," Bella said with a firm voice as she turned to look at me. I met
her deep brown gaze with my own uncertain one. I expected to find pain in her
eyes, but instead I found nothing but simple truths and the ghost of what might
have been her love for me lingering there. That look was worse than a pained
expression since it was just so final.

~*~

I parked the car and just sat, unsure of how to proceed from here. I wasn't
exactly sure how I ended up here, yet it was the most natural thing in the world.
Bella had invited me to dinner at her house while at Seth's graduation party. She
mention that she wanted to talk more and that maybe she could help fatten me
up a bit with a nice home cooked meal. I couldn't resist, but truth be told I could
never say no to Bella.

I looked at the neighborhood that Bella now called home. It was a new
construction area as she had chosen a townhouse. I am sure her choice had
something to do with her hatred of yard work and the thought of that made me
snicker. It was nice and while new, there was a cozy feel to the neighborhood as
people walked by and children were out playing. It felt safe and for that I was
thankful.

I slowly got out of the car and approached Bella's home with a six pack of bottled
Stella Artois under my arm as a hostess gift for her. I knew she loved this beer

and could only hope that she still did. The door flung open before I had a chance
to knock causing me to jump in surprise just as Bella greeted me with a hello.
She laughed at my overreaction. Just to hear her laugh was music for my heart. I
had missed her laugh. I had missed being the reason that she laughed.

"Come in," she called in a soft giggle that made my heart melt in my chest for
her.

"Thanks," I called out to her as I stepped inside her home and was shocked to
find it decorated in a contemporary style. Bella had always been a traditionalist
when it came to décor and yet here I stood in her living room that looked like it
could have been straight out of a magazine.

"This is great," I offered lamely as I motioned around while feeling a little sick
inside as I wondered what else had changed about the woman I loved.

"Thanks! I like it," she said with a pleased smile.

"You remembered!" she exclaimed with a loud laugh as she took the six pack
from me while offering me one. I greedily took the beer, realizing that I may
need the subtle alcohol to calm my nerves.

"I haven't forgotten anything about you, Bella," I said as I watched her entire
body stiffen in discomfort in response to my words.

"Yeah, ok. Well, thanks Edward," she said as she looked away from me while a
bout of awkwardness settled between us.

Bella motioned for me to sit down as she spoke to me from the kitchen. I couldn't
stand to be the far away from her so instead I just grabbed my bottle of beer and
followed her in there under the pretense of offering to help. She smiled at me and
motioned me towards the salad.

We worked in tandem as she moved around me in effort to finish the steaks that
she was grilling for me. I frowned over how small the kitchen was in comparison
to our old one, yet I remained silent since I had already fucked up once by
mentioning our past together.

"So, uhm…" I stuttered, grasping for anything to talk about to end the silence
between us.

"Tell me what you've been up to," I said in a casual tone, but inside I was
anything but casual. I was dying. I was dying a slow death of lack of information
about Bella.

"Not much to tell," she said with a slight laugh before turning to retrieve a pan
from the bottom cupboard. It was then that I noticed it. Bella's shirt rode up to
show the hint of a tattoo on her hip. I knew that when we were married Bella's
skin had been blemish free, no marks, no tattoos and yet there was one peeking
out of her shirt. It taunted me with the story behind its existence since I had no
idea when or why she had it done. It was that lack of knowledge that was soul
crushing and enlightening all at once as I realized I didn't know her anymore. The
woman I was married to would not have gotten a tattoo, but then again the
woman at my side wasn't the woman I was married to any longer.

"What is that?" I asked like the asshole I was as I felt a tinge of anger over a
tattoo, a tattoo that she had every right to get without my knowledge or consent.
A tattoo that showed the world she was no longer mine.

"What's what?" she asked me confused as she stood back up to look around at
her surroundings to see what I was speaking about.

"A tattoo?" I asked her as I motioned towards her hip while trying to be casual,
but failing miserably.

"Yeah, I got a tattoo," she said with a slight laugh, but didn't offer to show it to
me.

"It was a spur of the moment thing," she snickered as she went on while I forced
back the tirade of anger that threatened to break free as I chanted to myself that
she wasn't mine any more.

It was with that spark of laughter that Bella started talking about her life without
me. She spoke of trips to Vegas with Rose and Alice that resulted in being ten
thousand dollars richer. She laughed about a singles cruise she went on with
Lauren from the office and how it was fun. She talked about a trip to Europe that
she and some friends from her book club were planning.

"When did you join a book club?" I asked her surprised that she even had these
friends since I knew nothing about them.

"Oh, I would say it was about the same time you stopped coming home at night.
I needed something to distract me, you know," she said off handedly, but I knew
her well enough to know that this was her subtle way of reminding me of all that
had happened.

"Europe, huh?" I asked her as I moved food to the table while noticing that it was
set for three instead of just the two of us.

"Yeah, I always wanted to go and well, why wait?" she asked me with a smile
that was tinged with a bit of sadness. I knew she had always wanted to go. I had
promised her year after year that we would go, that I would take the time off to
go, but never did.

"I'm sure it'll be fun," I said as I choked on my own words, knowing that she was
living the life I had promised her without me.

"Is Seth joining us?" I asked her as I watched her add a fourth plate as well.

"Yeah, him and Emily," she said with a firm nod of her head.

"That's why I invited you over. I wanted to discuss the idea of Seth and Emily
living together. He's going to ask for us to pay for an apartment so they can be
together, but honestly I just think it's a bad idea," Bella said as I stared at her in
surprise, even though I shouldn't be surprised by her admission. I should have
known that she wouldn't want to discuss the idea of some sort of reconciliation
like I had foolishly hoped for; instead it was about Seth.

"I just don't think they should live together. I mean, look what happened to us…"
she said in the same strong voice, but her words cut me to bone. It was clear she
had regretted us and everything surrounding us.

"You regret us?" I asked her with a stupid sounding stutter as my heart shattered
within me.

"I don't regret Seth and I don't regret the good years, but yeah, in some ways I
do," she said as sadness tinged her beautiful face.

"I regret giving up college since here I am now thirty-eight years old struggling to
finish it. I regret …I regret a lot about us," Bella said as she held my gaze,
showing me the honesty of her words and it hurt me.

"I never asked…" I started to say to remind her that I never asked her to quit
school, but she beat me to it.

"No, you never had to. I would have given up everything for you," she said with a
soft laugh that was more sad than bitter.

"But, that's the past and I can't change that. I can only go forward Edward and
that's what I'm going to do. That's what I've been doing," she said with firm
conviction as I watched her set the silverware on the table next to the plate.

"Really, I guess I need to thank you over some of that mess. Without your little
wakeup call who knows how long I would've drifted, letting others plan my life for
me," she said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. I missed her smile, her real
smile and this wasn't it.

"I never meant…" I started to say, but she stopped me once more.

"I know. You never meant to hurt me, but you did and it happened so there's no
changing that. We can only go forward Edward," she said with a firm tone that
surprised me. I was expecting anger. I was expecting hurt, but I wasn't quite
expecting such resolution to the facts. I nodded and then watched as she turned
to face the kids as they walked in the house. It was odd to have my family back
together, yet feel like such a stranger in their presence.

I watched as they laughed and talked before helping Bella bring the food to the
table. She elbowed me as we watched our son press a soft kiss against Emily's
temple. It was very much like how we were with the sly kisses when we thought
no one was looking. It was then that I knew I had to speak.

"I don't regret a moment of our life together," I whispered in a rush as I took
hold of her hand pulling her back into the kitchen for a little privacy.

"I don't regret marrying you or loving you since that was the best thing that I
ever did," I said as I looked deep into her startled brown eyes that held confusion
as I held her hand tight in mine.

"I sure as hell don't regret Seth. He is the best of us together. He is the best of
me," I stammered as Bella continued to watch me while tears welled up in her
eyes.

"I don't regret a single moment of our life, but what I do regret is failing you. I
regret hurting you, leaving you, making you feel like less than the most amazing
woman you truly are," I said in a heat whisper as I watched her tears falls.

"I regret believing that I was more than what I was and regret every bad decision
I ever made because of it," I continued on as she watched me, not wiping at her
tears, but instead letting me see them mixed with the pain my words were
causing her.

"I regret the affair. I regret ever touching her and I will regret how you
discovered it until the day I die," I said as I felt her hand slowly twist within mine
as she softly struggled to break my grip on her while I felt my heart shattering
once again in my chest.

"What do want Edward?" she asked me in a raspy voice, catching me off guard by
her question.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked me, sensing my confusion over her
questioning me.

"I just want…" I stammered as I held her hand firmly in mine, refusing to let her
go.

"I just want things back the way they were. I want you back. I want our life back.
I want us. I want to come home to you. I love you Bella and I want to try again,"
I said in a rush of words, hoping that she understood what I was saying as I
bared my heart before her, waiting, knowing that her words would make or end
my life.

Bella looked at me with a blank stare before I saw a glimmer of emotion pass
over her face. It was fleeting and I couldn't tell what exactly she was thinking by
how quickly it passed through her,

"Edward…" she said softly as she finally twisted her hand free of my grasp. It left
me feeling cold inside.

"You can't change what has happened and when you could have you didn't," she
said in a firm voice as she looked at me with tear filled eyes.

"You chose this path for us just like you chose everything else in our lives without
a second thought about what I wanted or what I may have needed…" she said as
she trailed off softly before stepping back from me, putting space between us.

"You can't change anything and I…I don't want to go back to how it was," she
finally said with a firm nod of her head as if she was willing it to be this way. I felt
what was left of my heart shatter into a million pieces as what little hope I had
for us floated away.

"You are Seth's father and for that I will always love you since he truly is the best
of us, but that's all we can be now: Seth's parents" she said softly as if she was
letting me down easily and in a way she was. She could have been cruel like I
had been to her. She could have rubbed my face in the rejection like I had done
to her, yet she remained the picture of grace under fire.

Bella stood there, firm in her decision that I was done as part of her life other
than as co-parent of the boy in the next room. Her eyes, while wet from tears,
were bright and filled with resolution as if she had come to this conclusion years
ago.

"I'm going to go in there and act if nothing has happened since you know how
upset Seth gets when we argue. You take your time and join us when you're
ready," she said as she reached out and touched my arm in a caring manner that
reminded me of how she would treat a child, or a friend. That gesture chilled me
to the bone since I knew that's all I would ever be to her now. I would be her
friend and not even really that since who counts their ex spouse as a friend?

I stood in Bella's small kitchen trying to recompose myself as I listened to the
laughter in the next room. I lingered as long as I could since I knew that once I
walked back in there I would forever be just Seth's father to her, nothing more,
and nothing less.