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AbouttheBook

Onerecklessfighter.

Onenightofpassionshecan'tforget.

Thebattleforsexandloveisfierceandunrelenting.

Andloveisabouttoknockhimonhisass.

RecklessLovecanbereadasastandalonenovel,butisafollowuptotheNew

YorkTimesandUSATodaybestsellerHardtoLove.

One

I

AN

Theworstpartabouttrainingmodewastheno-pussyrule.

Myintensetrainingschedule,brutalworkouts,andstrictdietwerenothing

comparedtothehellofnotbeingabletosatisfymyneedycock.Ihadafightin

lessthanaweek,whichmeantIwasn’tgoingtoseeanyactionanytimesoon,and

thebeautifulgirlbouncingbeforemepushedeverybuttonIhad.Pornographic

thoughtsrippedthroughmybrain,makingitdifficulttoconcentrateonanythingbut

thepulsethrobbinginmyerection.

Aone-waymirrorintheofficefacedthegym’ssolitarytreadmill.I’dcomein

tograbadrinkfromtheminifridgeandwasintheofficewhenMacKenzie

arrived,sowhenshejumpedonthetreadmillforhermorningrun,IfiguredImight

aswellsitforaminuteandtakeintheview.Butitwassuchafuckingcocktease,I

wantedtopunchsomeone.

Herbodywasatwelveoutoften.Mydickwastellingmetopullherhotass

offthetreadmill,takeherintheshower,spreadherlegs,andgiveherthebestfuck

she’deverhad.

MacKenziewasatreatforallthesenses.Fromthebreathygaspsofexertion

pushingpastherpartedlips,totherhythmicwayhertitsbounced,andthe

delectablefemininescentofdeodorantandsweatIcouldsmellwheneverIwas

stupidenoughtowandernearher.

Thoughitwasn’tjustaboutherfantastictitsandperfectass.Shehadthosein

spades,buttherewasmoretoher.Icouldseeitinhernow.Whenmostpeople

wentforarun,theirfacesrelaxedandtheireyesbecameunfocusedastheyzoned

out.Theirbodymightberunning,buttheirmindwassomewhereelseasthey

bobbedalongtotheirmusic.

WhenKenzieran,itwasn’tjustherbodyinmotion.Behindhergentle

expressionwasasenseofdetermination.InitiallyIthoughtshewasrunningaway

fromsomething,buttherewasnofearinhereyes,onlyclarityofpurpose.No,she

wasn’trunningfromanything,shewasrunningtowardsomething.

Strengthanddeterminationinawomanweresexyashell.Iaddedthose

attributestothelistofthingsIlikedaboutthisgirl,asifthereweren’tenough

already.Ilovedwatchingherpushforward.Herconfidenceandherzing,

combinedwithher…

Well,combinedwithheramazingtits.Perkyandpalm-sized,theywere

perfect.Icouldn’tstopwatchingthembounceassheran,thesamewaytheywould

bounceifsherodeme.Whoinventedone-waymirrors?Icouldfuckingkissthem.

ButI’dhadmychancewithher,andIscreweditup.Nowshewouldn’tgive

methetimeofday.

SothiswasallIcoulddo—sitandwatchfromafar.Ornearby,nowthatshe

workedatthegymItrainedineverysingleday.Ishouldhaveswitchedgyms

whenshestartedworkinghere,butallmyfightsweresetupthroughtheowner,

Chris.Besides,ChrishadworkedhardtogetmewhereIwastoday.Leavinghim

nowthatIwasfinallyonthevergeofbreakingthroughwouldbeadickmove.

SoIwasstuck.Whocoulddreamupamorefrustratinghell?

M

AC

K

ENZIE

MymorningrunwasalwaysbetterifIhadagoodviewfromthetreadmill.The

freeweightsweresetuprightnexttomymachine,andsinceIwasatamostly

malegymthatfocusedonmixedmartialartsfighting,myoddsforhavingagreat

runwereexcellent.

Today,however,theviewwasratherdismal.Therewereonlyafewguys

liftingweights,andtheywerefeatherweights.Ihatedtousethewordscrawny

withanyoftheseguys,becausetheyallhadseriousmuscle,butcomparedtothe

otherguysatthegym,theywereabit…smallish.

SincetherewasnothinggoodtolookatwhileIran,Izonedout.Icouldn’t

helpit.Atonlynineinthemorning,agirlwasallowedtomentallycheckoutfora

momentortwo.SoIwasstartledwhenIancameoutoftheofficejustafewfeet

fromme.Almostfelloffthedangmachine.

Theone-waymirrorintheofficelookedrightoutontothetreadmill.How

longhadhebeenbackthere?Notthathewouldhaveseenanythingheliked.The

prick.

Oureyesmetforasecond.Hissquarejawclenchedandhiscoolbluegaze

dartedawayfrommine.Herubbedthebackofhisneckwithhishand.Thesmall

motionemphasizedthebulgingarmmusclesthatcameoutofhisshirtsleeve.I

swallowedandcaughtmyselflickingmylips.Ihatedthatmybodystillwanted

him,thatIstillwantedhim.

Hepausedforamomentnexttothetreadmillandchewedhislipasifhewas

consideringsayinghello.

Keepwalking,asshat.

Asifhe’dheardmythoughts,hestartedmovingagainuptothefrontofthe

gym.

Cadewashere.Iwavedacrosstheroomtohim.EverySaturdaymorning,

CadecametosparwithIan.Itwascutehowtheyworkedattheirlittlebromance,

eventhoughCadeandAlexawerepracticallymarriedandspentalltheirtime

together.

IsawAlexaeveryThursdayonourregulargirls’night,butthatwasoftenthe

onlytimeI’dseehernowthatwenolongerworkedtogetheratthehospital.I

sometimesworriedthatallitwouldtakewasCadepoppingthequestionforherto

bepulledawayfrommealtogether.Iwasusedtosayinggood-byetopeople,but

Alexahadbeenaroundsolong,shewaslikefamily.TheonlyfamilyI’deverhad,

really.Growingupinfosterhomes,I’dneverhadanyonewhowasaforever

person,butAlexawasclose,theclosestI’dcome.

Um,andnotinthatway,either.Iwasintoguys.Andspeakingofguys,my

viewhadjustimprovedexponentially.

IanwasinthepracticecagewithCade,andtheybothhadtheirshirtsoff.

Mmm.Cade—Mr.FormerPornStar—hadanicechest.Icouldseewhytheypaid

himtotakeitalloff,buthewasn’treallymytype.Hewassuchaniceguy.Who

wouldhavethoughttheadult-filmstarwhocouldpulloffafour-hourerection

wouldbesuchasweetie?Also,Alexawouldkickmyassjustforappreciatinghis

nicepecs.Orshe’dtry,anyway.

Ian,ontheotherhand,Icouldhardlyputintowords.Hetrainedhereatthe

gymsixhoursaday,sixdaysaweek,andhadthebodytoproveit.Hisarmswere

rockhard,andhisshoulderandbackmusclesweredefinedandfirm.Iwantedto

tracemyfingersalongthemandticklehisskin.Andhisabs—

Oops.Ialmostfelloffthetreadmilltryingtoseehisabs.Anyway,hisabs

wereflippingsolid.Ididn’tknowwhytheycallthemasix-packsinceheclearly

hadeightwell-definedmusclesthere,andIwouldlovetorunmytongueovereach

andeveryoneofthem.

Don’tevengetmestartedwithhiseyes.Coolblue,andalwayssoseriousand

business-like,butdeep.SometimesIthoughtbacktothatnight,thewayhelooked

atmeasifhewasgoingtotakecareofme.Asifhe’dneverletanyonehurtme.

Itwassoeasytofallintohisgazethatnightandlosemyself.Itmademewish

Icouldgetwrappedupinhimagain.

ButIneverwould.Notafterthatnight.

Two

I

AN

IwashavingahardtimenotkillingCade.Itwaseasierblockinghishitsthanit

waskeepinghimuninjured.“Takeoutyourtamponandfight,youpussy,”Itaunted.

Nowthathe’dprettymuchgivenupfighting,Icouldwipethefloorwithhim

blindfoldedwithbothhandstiedbehindmyback.Buttheguywaslikeabrotherto

me,soItookiteasyonhim.Oratleast,ItriednottosendhimtotheER.

Cadethrewhimselfatmeharder.“IhavedocumentedproofthatI’mnopussy.

Iknowyou’veseenmyvideos.It’sallthere.Allteninchesoflady-lovingmeat,”

hespat,hittingbackatmeverbally.

Whatadouche-rocket.Hemightbemybestfriend,buttherewasnowayin

hellI’deverwatchoneofhisoldpornvideos.Ishudderedatthethought.

Healmostgotahitin.ItwashardtopayattentionwhenMacKenziewas

runningonthatdamntreadmill.Itwasimpossibletolookawaywhensheranin

thosetight,ass-huggingshortsandthattanktop—thekindwithabuilt-inbrathat

hardlysupportedherbeautifultitsasshebouncedalong.

Ituggedatmyownbaggyshorts.Down,boy.

IknewitwouldbestupidtohireMacKenzieonasthegymmedic.Shewasa

distraction.ButwhenI’dheardshewaslaidofffromthehospital,Icouldn’tstand

theideaofherbeingwithoutajob,soI’dtalkedChrisintohiringher.Notthatshe

knewanythingaboutmyinvolvementwithheremploymenthere.Itwasbetterthat

shenotknow.

ButIwasn’ttheonlyonedistractedbyher.Theminuteshestarted,therewas

aspikeinfight-relatedinjuries.Ididn’tknowifherhotasswasdistractingthe

guys,orifthey’ddeliberatelyrampeduptheirmachismotogainherattention—

andgotthemselveshurtintheprocess.Hell,Iwouldn’thavebeensurprisedifthe

littleshitswerefakinginjuryjusttostealsomeone-on-onetimewithher.

Cadesockedmeinthegut.

“Oof.”Ifoughtforbreathandclutchedmyabdomen,whichsmartedlikea

bitch.Andthatwaswhyyouhadtoremainfocusedinthecage.

IturnedmyattentionbacktoCade,whowasdancingaroundlikealittleboy,

damnproudofhimselfforthatlasthit.Goodforhim.“Youhitlikeafive-year-

old,”Itoldhim,buthecouldtellIwasstilltryingtocatchmybreath.

Cadesmirkedatme.“Maybeifyoustoppedthinkingaboutyourdickandgot

intothefight,youwouldn’tbelosingtoahobbyfighterrightnow.”

Oh,it’son.

IbouncedaroundhimasIgotmybreathingundercontrol,thenchargedhim,

pickedhimupintoafireman’shold,andtookusbothdowntothemat.Still

carefultonotkillthepoorguy.Ieasilypulledhimintoaholdandapplied

pressure.

“Who’sapussy?”Iasked.

Hetwistedaround.“Youare,”hegrumbledwithasmile.

Iappliedmorepressure.“Who’sapussy?”

Hisfaceturnedred,butheheldoutafewmorebeatsbeforehecouldn’tstand

itanymore.“Iam,”hegruntedthroughclenchedteeth.

“Goodboy.”

Ireleasedhimandhelpedhimbackuponhisfeet.Asweresumedsparring,I

happenedtoglanceovertothetreadmillagain.Theownerofthegym,Chris,had

stoppedtotalktoMacKenzie.Heputhishandonhershoulderandleanedin.My

stomachclenchedagain,andthistimeithadnothingtodowiththeearlierhit.

CadetookadvantageofmynewfoundADDandknockedmeoffmyfeet.

Dragginginadeepgulpofair,ItriedtofendoffthestingofpainIknewwas

coming.

M

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ENZIE

“Shit,”IshoutedasIjumpedoffthetreadmillandrantograbmymedicbagfrom

theoffice.

CadehadhookedIaninthejaw,sendinghimtothemat.I’donlybeen

workingatthegymforamonth,butI’dneverseenIanfallbefore.Iwasso

shocked,ittookmeasecondtorealizewhyIwasrushingovertohim.Hewas

stillonthematwhenIgotthere,awakeandwincingattheceiling.

“Ian,”Isaid,myvoiceunsteady.Iputmyhandonhischest,whichroseand

fellrapidlyfromhisheavybreathing,thenleanedoverhim.“Ian,areyouokay?”

Hiseyeswereopenbutheturnedaway,glaringatthewallasifhewas

pissedatsomething.Whenhefinallyturneduptolookatme,hisangerfaded.

Mybreathcaught.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dlookedhimintheeyesincethat

night,andIcouldn’tbelievehowintenseitwas.Heseemedsoserious,andyetso

inneedofmytouch,thatbeforeIcouldrestrainmyselfIputmyhandonhischeek,

brushinghisskinlightlywithmythumb.Hisjawwasroughwithstubbleand

sweatyfromfighting.Heatzingedupmyarmasmemoriesfloodedmybrain.

“Areyouhurt?”Iasked,notsurewhyhehadn’tyetresponded.Maybethere

wassomethingwrong.“Ian?”MyvoiceshookagainasImovedtochecktherest

ofhisbody,butheputuphisglovedhandandturnedmyfacebacktohis,making

melosemyselfinhiseyesoncemore.

“I’mfine,Kenzie,”hesaidinalow,raspyvoicethatmademyinsidesmelt.

Hetookmyhandinhisandsqueezeditgently.Hisfingerlessglovesallowedthe

tipsofhiscallousedfingerstoscrapegentlyagainstthepalmofmyhand.

Thensomethingchangedinhiseyes,andhepushedmyhandsawayfromhim

ashechuckled.“Don’tworry,hon.IwasjusttryingtogiveCadeaconfidence

boost.”

Helaughed,droppedmyhand,andsatup.Ignoringme,herubbedhishand

overhisshortgolden-brownhairashelookedatthefloor,thenturnedhisbackto

meandstoodup.

Whatthe…?

ThenIrememberedwhyIwasmadatIan,whyI’dbeenburninghimwithicy

glareseversincethatnight.ThenightthatIdidn’tletmyselfthinkabout.

“Youreallydothinkyou’reallthat,don’tyou?”Isaid.“Youdon’tneeda

nurse.Yourinjuriesareallmental.Ican’thelpyou,youneedashrink.”Igotup

andturnedtowalkawayasIfoughtbacktears.

Damn,Iwassuchababy.Whycouldn’tIjustgetoverhim?WhydidIhaveto

keepongettingpulledbackin?MaybeIshouldhavenevertakenthisjob.Of

course,beingnearhimwaspartofthedraw,ifIwasbeinghonestwithmyself.

Thegymowner,Chris,cameoverandputanarmaroundme.“Youokay,

MacKenzie?”

Inoddedandballedupmyfists,diggingmyfingernailsintomypalms.Itwas

atrickI’dlearnedtoholdbackthetears.Ihatedcryinginfrontofpeople,showing

themhowweakIwas.Thepainofmynailsbitingintomyskinpulledmeoutof

theemotionaldramaandbacktotherealworld.

“Sorry.IknowIshouldn’tbringmypersonalcrapintowork.Itwon’thappen

again.”Imovedtogo,becauseIwantedtoruntothebathroomandcleanmyself

up,butChrisstoppedme.

“Don’tworryaboutit.Youknowyoucantalktomeright?”heasked.

Ilookedupathim.Chrishadhiredmelastmonth,shortlyafterIwaslaidoff

fromthehospital.Cadehookedmeupwiththeinterview,eventhoughIwaspretty

sureitpissedIanoffthatIwashere.Chrisinterviewedmeandafterhiringme,

hadorientedmetothegym,butIstillhadn’tspentthatmuchtimewithhim.

Chriswasinhislatetwenties.Beforehewasinjured,hefoughtasa

heavyweight,whichmeanthewasthesizeofafriggingfridge.Heneededacane

towalknow,butthatdidn’tstophimfromworkingoutandkeepinginshape.

Wheneverhehadfreetimefromhisappointments,I’dfindhimworkingout.His

shirtmorethanhintedatthefirmmuscleshemaintained.Hisjawlinewasstrong,

andhisheadwasshaved.Ipreferredmymenwithhair,butheworeitokay.

Hegavemeasmile.“Whydon’twegoouttolunchandyoucantellmeabout

it?”

I

AN

Cade’spunchhadcaughtmebysurprise,knockingmeoff-balance,andIcouldn’t

recovermyfootingsoIwentdown.Butapartfromasorejawandbruisedego,I

wouldlive.Thatdidn’tstopMacKenziefromrushingovertocheckonme.

Sheleanedoverme,restinggentlefingersonmybarechest.Herlonghoney-

coloredhairbrushedagainstmyskin,andjustlikethat,Iwashers.Totally

dumbstruckandhers.Icouldn’tevenfuckingtalk.

Butwhenmydickjumpedupjustassheturnedtolookattherestofmybody,

Ihadtostopher.ThatwasallIneeded,forhertoseemewithapost-knockout

boner.HereshewastryingtomakesureIwasn’thurt,andallIcoulddowasget

hard,asifsheweresomepieceofmeat.Thatmademejustasbadasalltheother

turdsatthegym.SoI’dpulledherfacebacktolookatme,onlytherewassomuch

worryinhereyes,andallIwantedtodowastakeherinmyarmsandholdher

andtellherIwasokay.

God,Ishouldhave.Iwasanidiot.Whydidn’tI?

Iknewshedidn’twantthat,though.Itraveledallthetimeforfights,andmy

careerwouldalwayscomefirst.KenziewantedmorethanIcouldoffer,andshe

certainlydeservedmore.SoIpushedheroff.IturnedandIsentheraway,even

thoughIknewshewouldbehurt.Somehow,Ichanneledtheshit-baginmeand

hurther.

Iwassuchafuckingdick.

AndthenChris—Ilovedtheguy,buthewasasmoothbastard—wasright

theretopickupthepieces.

“Whydon’twegoouttolunchandyoucantellmeaboutit,”Chrissaid.“Or

wecantalkaboutsomethingelseentirely,ifyou’drather.”

Iheldmybreath,waitingforheranswer.Iwantedittobeno,butIknewit

wouldbeyes.

“Sure.”Shenodded.

“Great,”Chrissaid.“Wecan—shoot.Ihaveanimportantconferencecallthis

afternoon.”Heputhisarmonhershoulderandsaid,“Let’smakeitdinner.”

Thatmademewanttohitsomething.Hard.I’dbeenhitsomanytimesinmy

life,butnothingstungquiteasmuchashearingafriendaskoutthegirlyou…

Okay,soIdidn’tknowexactlywhatshewastome.Andmaybethatwasfor

thebest.Itwasn’tlikeChrisknewanythingaboutmeandher.Hell,itwas

probablyagoodthingthatChrisaskedherout;maybenowIcouldforgetabout

Kenzie.Besides,Ineededtofocusonmyupcomingfight.Ididn’thavetimeto

worryabouther.AndChriswasagoodguy.Hewouldbegoodtoher.

Icouldlethergo.Ishould,eventhoughitwasthelastthingIwantedtodo.

Three

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Wouldsomeonepleasetellmehowtheheckthathappened?

OneminuteIwastendingtoIanonthefloor,andthenextminuteIwas

agreeingtogooutwithChris,ofallpeople.Sure,hewasaniceguy,butI’dnever

thoughtofhimthatway.Notatall.

Whenhe’daskedmetohavelunchwithhim,ofcourseIsaidyes.Because

thatwaswhatyoudidwhenyourbossaskedyououtforlunch.Butthenhe

switchedittodinner.

SohereIwas,walkingbytheriverafterdinnerwithmyflippingboss.The

nightwascoolandIhadforgottenmysweaterinhiscar,soIfoldedmyarmsin

frontofmetostaywarm.

“Areyoucold?”heasked.

Inodded.“Alittle.”

Hepaused,tookoffhisdinnerjacket,andhandedittome.Ishruggediton.It

wasbigandwarm,andsmelledstronglyofOldSpice.Abittoostrongly.

“Thanks.”Istartedwalkingagain,andChrismovedaroundmesothathis

canewasontheoutside.

“DoyoumindifIaskwhathappened?”Imotionedtowardhisleg.

“No.Notatall.Itwasafight.”Hepaused,thenchuckled.“Ofcourseitwasa

fight.”

“Whendidithappen?”

“Justovertwoyearsago.Iwasonthefasttracktobecomingaprofighter,

andmymanagerlinedmeupwithaguy—BillyGoatwashisfightingname.He’d

beenfightingproforawhile,butbecauseofthewayhefought,mymanagerwas

sureIcouldtakehim.Heck,IwassureIcouldtakehim.Everydefenseweakness

hehad,Iwasstrongatthatoffense.Ishouldhavewon.”

Chrisstoppedandleanedagainsttherailingbytheriver.Iwonderedifhisleg

neededabreak,orifhejustwantedtostopandadmiretheview.SoIstoppedand

leanedagainsttherailingalongsidehim.

“Whathappened?”

“Iwastoococky.Ishouldhavetakenmytimeandwaitedforjusttheright

momenttostrike,butinsteadIwentinfastandeagertogetitdone.Iworemyself

outinthefirstround,andbythesecond,Ihadbecomehispunchingbag.”

IlookedatChris.Hewasaheadtallerthanme,eveninmysix-inchheels.I

couldn’timagineanyoneturninghimintoapunchingbag.

“Hehadmeonthegroundandwaspummelingme.Ishouldhavetappedout

ofthefightandgivenittohim,butIwantedthewin.”Hewincedasifthememory

ofthatmomentpainedhimmorethananything.“Imanagedtowrenchmywayout

ofhisholdandgetbackuponmyfeet.Iwassooutofitatthatpoint,Ihardly

rememberathingotherthantryingtoremainstanding.Andthentherewasan

insanepainashecameatmykneefromtheside,fullforcewithhisfoot.

“Hismovewasafoul,andlosthimthefight.Iwon,butmykneerefusedto

healproperly.Iwonthefirstandlastfightofmyprocareer.”Heforcedachuckle,

butitlookedlikehewasn’tquitereadytolaughaboutthewholething.

“Wow,”Isaid.“You’vetriedphysicaltherapy?”

“Toomuchscartissueandnotenoughtendonleft.Itwon’tworkright.Istill

doexerciseswithit,butit’llneverbebacktowhereitwas.”

Heleanedforwardandtookmyhandinhis.Forthefirsttimethatnight,I

didn’tfeellikeIneededtopullawayfromhim.

“It’sallgood,though.Ifoundmycalling.Iopenedupagym,anditturnsout

I’mamuchbettertrainerthanIwasafighter.”

Chriswasagoodtrainerandwellconnected.I’dheardtheguysatthegym

talkabouthowhisconnectionscouldhelpanygoodfighterworkhiswayintothe

profightingcircles.

Ilookedathim,inspectinghisface.Hehadamostlysmoothcomplexionwith

afewfrecklessprinkledacrosshisslightlycrookednose.Hecouldn’tbemore

thanfiveyearsolderthanme,sohewasmaybetwenty-seven.

CouldIlikethisguy?IthadbeenawhilesinceI’ddatedanyone.Ihadn’t

metanyoneIreallylikedlately,butmaybeIwasjustinafunk.MaybeIjust

neededtostartdatingagain,andtheliking,thewanting,wouldcome.Theway

ChrislookedatmetoldmehewasmorethangameifIwas.

“IjustsecuredIanhisfirstprofight,”Chrissaid,hiseyeslightingupwith

pride.

Myheartfilledwithpridetoo.PrideforIan,who’dbeenworkingsohardfor

this,andhewouldfinallygethisbreak.“That’sgreat,”Isaid.

“It’sstilltwoandahalfmonthsaway,butwe’llbeheadingtoVegasbefore

youknowit.”

MymindfloodedwiththoughtsofIan.Howwouldhefeelwhenheheardthe

news?Mostlikelyhe’dplayitofflikeitwasnobigdeal.Buthe’dtakethisfight

seriouslyandredoublehistrainingsothatwhenitcametimeforthefight,he’dbe

ready.Icaughtmyselfsmilingatthethought.

Chriswovehisfingersthroughmineandpulledmeawayfromthewall.

“Let’sgograbadrinksomewhere,”hesaidsmoothly,hiseyeshooded.

Adrinkmightloosenmeupandhelpmestopmythoughtsfromconstantly

redirectingtoIan,butIwasnervousthatChriswouldtrytomovetoofastifwe

starteddrinking.

“Ihavetoworkinthemorning,”Isaid.

Chrischuckled.“Iknowyourboss.MaybeIcantalktohimandseeifhe’ll

letyoucomeinlate.”

Istoppedwalking,makinghimstoptoo.“Chris…”Itrailedoff,notsurewhat

Imeanttosay.“Idon’twantanyspecialtreatment.”Iletgoofhishand.“Ineed

thisjob,soIdon’twantthis”—Ipointedateachofus—“togetinthewayof

keepingmyjob.Ifyoucandothis,withoutbeingmyboss,thenI…”

God,whatthehellwasItryingtosay?

Hegrabbedmyhandagain.“MacKenzie,don’tworryaboutit.Don’teven

thinkaboutit.Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,whenwe’reout,I’mnotyourboss.

AnythingthathappensoutherewillnotaffectthewayItreatyouatthegym.”

Inodded.Itsoundedlikeitcouldwork.“Okay,sure,”Isaid.“So,like,sayI

pushedyouintotheriverrightnow,wouldIstillhaveajobtomorrow?”

Hechuckledattheridiculousnessofmybeingabletopushhimanywhere.

“Ofcourse.Yourbosswouldn’tholdthatagainstyou.Andifyouwentoutwithme

foradrinktonight,hewouldstillexpectyoutoshowuptomorrowmorningatnine

a.m.sharp.”

“Sorry,nottonight,butmaybeanothertime?”Ismiled.

“Anothernight,then.”

Wecamebacktohiscarandthealarmchirped.Iwasn’tthechivalrypolice,

butIstillcouldn’thelpbutnoticethathewasinthecarbeforeIhadevenopened

thepassengerdoor.Itriednottoletitbugme.

AsChrisdrove,Ipulledatthehemofmydress.Thebucketseatsofhis

Mustangkepttuggingtheskirtup,insistentongivinghimashow.TheA-lineblack

dressthatcamedownjustpastmykneeswascute,butmodest,orsoI’dthought.

Hehadclubmusicplayingsoloudlyitshookthecar,butturneditdownwhen

hepulledupinfrontofmybuilding.

“So,MacKenzie,areyousureyoudon’twanttogetadrink?”

Ididn’t,butIhadpsychedmyselfuptolethimkissmegoodnight,sohe’d

betterhurryupanddoitbeforeIran.“Sorry.Nottonight.”

“Allright,”hesaid.“Ihadagreattime.”

“Metoo.Thanksfordinner.”

Heleanedinclose.Imeanttolethimkissme,Ireallydid,butIturnedmy

faceatthelastsecondandheplantedawet,slowpeckonmycheek.

Ugh.WhatamI,insixthgrade?

“Thanks.”Iranfromthecarandletmyselfintothebuildingwithoutlooking

back.

Four

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Myapartmentwasn’tinthesafestpartoftown,butI’dlivedinworsewhenIwas

infostercare,soIdidn’tthinkaboutittoomuch.Thepaint-chippedstairwells

withlooserailingsandcreakystepswereinasecurebuilding,whichmeantthatI

onlyhadtodealwiththefewloserswholivedinsidethebuildingitself—asmall

trade-offtobeabletoliveinanapartmentlargerthanacloset.Afterstudentloan

payments,aclosetwasaboutallI’dbeabletoaffordinanicerpartoftown.

Still,IsometimesgotcreepedoutatnightwhenIwalkedthroughthedimlylit

hallsalone.Tonightwasoneofthosetimes.Irushedupthestairstomydoorand

scrambledtogetthekeyintothelock.

“Hey,MacKenzie.”

IjumpedbutinstantlyrecognizedtheraspyvoiceofSoni,theolderladywho

livedonedoordown.

“Hey,Soni,”Isaid.

“Earlynightagain?”sheaskedthroughthesmallcrackinherdoor.

“Yeah,”Isaid.“’Night.”

Insidemyapartment,Ikickedoffmyheelsandfloppeddownonthecouch.

Soni’swordsranginmyears.Earlynightagain?

WhatthehelldiditsayaboutmewhenanoldwomanthoughtIwashavingan

earlynight?Butshewasright;Iusedtogoouteverynightandstayoutlate.Ifit

wasn’tanall-nighteratthehospital,itwasanall-nighterattheclub.LatelyI’d

beenfeelinglikeIwantedmore.AsifmaybeIcouldfindsomeonemore

permanentinmylife.

CouldChrisbethatperson?NotifIdidn’tfigureouthowtopullittogether.

AndIreallyneededtopullittogether.

ExceptthatIcouldn’t.I’dalwaysbeenabitofawildgirl,neverbeenableto

graspthewholeget-married-and-have-a-babything.

Iblameditonmyupbringing.I’dlivedinnofewerthantwentydifferent

fosterhomesasakid.Noneofthemwereascrazyastheonesyoureadaboutin

books.IknewIwaslucky;I’dneverbeensexuallyabused,andwasonlyhitonce

byafosterdad,fromwhosecareIwaspromptlyremoved.Butnoneofthe

familiesIstayedwitheverconnectedwithmeemotionallyorhadtimeforme,soI

gotusedtobeingalone.

WhenIstarteddating,Ineverfiguredouthowtostaywithoneguyforlong.A

quicknightortwooffun,thenrunbeforetheyhadachancetohurtme.Thatwas

myMO.ButsomethingaboutthatnightwithIan—Iwasn’tsureexactlywhat,but

somethingchanged.

ThenightwassupposedtobeaboutAlexaandCade.Alexahaddubbedit

theircoming-outparty.I’dknowntheyweregoingtoenduptogetherfromthe

start.OrIwasprettysureanyway.

Forme,thenightwaslessaboutthemandmoreaboutCade’shotcage-fighter

friend,Ian.AlexawassureI’dseenhimbefore,butIknewI’dremembermeeting

someonethatdelish.BythewayIcaughthimlookingatme,I’dknownthenight

hadthepotentialtobeoneneitherofuswouldforget.

Anditwas.Istillremembereditlikeitwasyesterday,thoughthememory

wastingedwithamixtureofsadnessandlonging.

Ifellasleepthinkingaboutit…

•••

Ianhadcrowdedinnexttomeinthebooth.Theclubhadbeenloud,sowe’dsat

closeinordertoheareachotheroverthemusic.

“So,areyouapornstartoo?”Ihadasked.Cadehadonlyeverdonetwo

movies,butIcouldn’tresistthetemptation.

Ianchokedonhisdrink,roughlyswallowingthegulp.“Um,no.”

“Don’thavetheballsforit,huh?”Iteased,fightingoffasmile.

Hiseyesnarrowedonmine,andhismouthliftedinaplayfulsmirk.“My

packageismorethanadequate,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking.”

Ilickedmylipsandleanedcloser.“Thenwhatareyouafraidof?Iheardthe

money’sgreat.”Somethinginmelikedteasinghim;heseemedtooincontrol,too

domineering,andIwantedtorufflehisfeathers.

“IguaranteeI’doutlastandoutmeasureeverymanonthatpornset.Idon’t

becauseIchoosenotto.”

Idroppedmyheadback,laughing.“Sure,sure.”

Ianpressedcloser,aligninghisfacewithminesohecouldpeerstraightinto

myeyesashespoke.“Somethingsareprivate.Andmycockisreservedformy

wife.”

“You’remarried?”Mygazedroppedtorecheckhislefthand,whichIalready

knewwasringless.

“Myfuturewife,”heclarified.

Hownobleofhim.“Wait.Doyoumeanyou’resavingyourselfformarriage?”

Heshookhishead.“I’mnovirgin,butI’msuremyfuturebridewouldn’tlike

knowingI’dfuckedeverythingfromheretoNewYork,andfilmedit.Youknow?”

Inodded,suddenlylosingmyplayfuledge.Hewasright.Andhewassweet.I

wasn’texpectingthat.

Wespentthenexttwohourstalkingandlaughing,thetopicsrangingfrom

innocuousthingslikeourfavoritepizzatoppings,tomoreserioussubjectslike

howmanychildrenwewantedtohave.Hewantedtwo;Iwasundecided.

Hiseyesflashedhisconfusion,butbeforeIhadtimetoexplainaboutmy

foster-careupbringingandmyreluctancetobringkidsintoaless-than-perfect

situation,Alexaleanedoverfromacrossthetable.“Dancewithme,Kenzie.”

“Sure,”IsaidandturnedtoIan.“Joinus?”

HelookedovertoCade,whowascomfortablewherehewasinthebooth.

IanandImighthavejustmet,butwebothknewCadedidn’tliketodance.

“I’llsitthisoneout.”Ian’seyeswereonmine,andIgottheimpressionhe

wasfightinganurgetocomedancewithme.

Ihatedtoleavehimthere.Ourconnection,eventhoughitwasonlyhoursold,

hadbeensomuchdeeperthanIhadeverfeltbefore.ButLexawasdyingtodance,

soIgotup.

IanmovedbackandIslippedoutpasthim.Foramoment,mybreastswere

almostinhisface,andyethedidn’tbreakeyecontactwithme.Awarmrippleof

pleasureshotthroughme.

Themusicwassoloud,myentirebodybuzzedwitheverythumpofthebass.

OutonthedancefloorwithAlexa,Iswayedmyhips,lettingthemusicguideme.

God,Ilovedtodance.IlostmyselfcompletelyinthemusicuntilIwasn’tmoving

tothesonganymore,thesongwasmovingme.

IwassolostinitthatIhardlynoticedwhensomeonecameupbehindmeand

startedgrindingwithme.Iturnedtoseewhoitwas,expectingittobeAlexa,but

itwassomedrunkkidjustmessingaround.Ilaughedandshrugged,dancingwith

him.Thekidwasallwiryandbony,definitelynotmytype.ButIwasallabout

havingagoodtime,andjustbecauseIdancedwithhimdidn’tmeanIhadtogo

homewithhim.

Butthenhegrabbedmyass,andbeforeIhadthechancetotellhimtostop,

Ianmaterializedandpulledhimaway.Theyfacedoffinfrontofme,barelyafoot

apart.Ianwastallerthanmydancepartner,withfivetimesthemuscle,buthewas

alsothecoolerofthetwo.Hisbodywastense,buthiseyesmaintainedtheirusual

calmandcoolcontrol.

ThedrunkguylungedatIan,whichmademechuckleuntilIrealizedthatIan

couldprobablykillhimwithoutbreakingasweat.

Iangrabbedtheguy’shandinoneofhisown,twistingitsotheguywas

forcedtobendoverorbreakhiswrist.Meanwhile,Ianhadhardlymoved,hisface

stillcalmandcollected.ThenIanbentdowntotheguy’searandsaidafewthings

Icouldn’thear.Themannodded,Ianreleasedhim,andhestaggeredaway,

hugginghiswristtohisbody.

WhenIanturnedbacktome,hisjawwastenseandhisnostrilsflared.His

gazepenetratedmeinwaysthatmademybodyburn.Knowinghe’djuststoodup

formelitsomefireinsideme.AsfarasIwasconcerned,thatwasthehottestthing

amancoulddo,mentalforeplayinmybook.

Imovedtowardhim,needingtobecloser.Iandidn’tbreakeyecontactashe

pulledmeintohisarmsandpressedourbodiestogether,makingmypulsespike.

Hisbodywassoamazinglyrockhard,andyetperfectlyshapedformetofit

againsthim.

Thenextsongwasslower,andweadjustedourhipsandmovedtothemusic.

Ibroughtmyarmsuparoundhisneck,andheliftedmeupsothatourfaceswere

inchesapart.Iwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Ianheldmetohim,lookinginto

myeyesforalongmoment.

Whenheleanedinandbrushedhislipsagainstmine,Iwassogladhewas

alreadyholdingmeup,becausemybodywentcompletelylimp.Hislipswere

tenderevenashetookcontrolofthekiss,firstnippingplayfullyatmylips,but

thenopeningmymouthwithhisandmovinghistongueagainstmine.

Hisarmsmovedfrommywaistdowntomyhips,andthenhishandscupped

myassashepressedmetohim.Igasped.Hisrock-hardcockpressedagainstmy

center.Theonlybarriersbetweenuswerehisjeansandmywetpanties.I

squeezedmylegsaroundhimandpressedagainsthimharder,wonderingifitwas

possibletobreakhiminhalfwithmylegs.Asanextremefighter,Iwasprettysure

he’dsurvive,althoughifIdidn’thavehimsoon,IthoughtImightdie.

Ian’seyesmetmineastheclubaroundusfadedintothebackground.Nothing

elseexistedbuttherawneedinsideme.Withhisgazefirmlylockedontomine,he

readeverythoughtbuzzingthroughmybrain,andthedark,hungrylookinhiseyes

toldmewewereonthesamepage.He’dbeensoeasytotalkto,soopen,and

mademefeelatease.Andnowhewaspressingclosetome,lettingmefeelevery

hardinchofhim.Iwantedmore.

Ididn’tknowhowwegottohiscar,butdamn,IhadbeensohappywhenI

sawitthatI’dflippingsquealed.Hehaddughiskeysoutofhispocketandopened

thebackdoor,guidingmeintothebackseat…

•••

Iwokeupwithagasp,mybreathcominginpants.Idreamedaboutthatnightoften,

andthethrobbingachebetweenmylegsneededtobetakencareof.

Now.

Ihadavibrator,butknewfromexperiencethatafterwakingupfromoneof

thesedreams,Ihardlyhadtotouchmyself,Iwasalreadysoclosetotheedge.

Takingadeepbreath,Iclosedmyeyesagainandimaginedwhatitwouldhave

beenlikeifIanhadfollowedmeintothebackseatofhiscarandclosedthedoor,

ifhehadpulledmeforwardandspreadmylegs.

Myfingercircledbetweenmythighs,andIimaginedIan’ssmolderingeyes

lockedonmineasherippedoffmywetpanties.Frantic,I’dhurrytoopenthefront

ofhisjeans.He’dpullhispantsdownjustenoughtofreehiscock,whichIknew

wouldbehugeandhard.He’dslideafingerinsideme,andwhenhefelthowhot

andreadyIwas,he’dclimbovermeandthrustintomesohardI’dcryoutand

comeapartinstantly.

He’dholdhimselfstillasthewaveofspasmsrockedthroughmybodyand

thenslowed.Thenhe’dslowlypulloutandpushinsidemeagain,andashe

increasedhispace,he’dwraphisarmsaroundme,pullingmecloseandholding

metight.

I’dshiverfromthesheerpleasureofit,andrunmyhandsoverhisrock-hard

backmusclesuptohisshouldersashemovedfaster,pushingharderandharder.

Thenhe’dsliphishanddownandlightlypressathumbonmythrobbingclit.My

nailswoulddigintohisbackasIcameapartagain,cryinghisname.

Arealorgasmtorethroughmeatthatpoint,justlikeitalwaysdid.AsIcame

downfrommyself-induced,Ian-inspiredrelease,Iwasagainremindedofhow

thatnighthadactuallyended…

•••

Thatnightwe’dkissedfranticallyonthedancefloor,andhe’dcarriedmeoutto

hiscaraswepressedtogetherinheatedpassion.

Butwhenheguidedmeintothebackseat,hedidn’tfollowmeasheshould

have.Instead,hepromptlybackedawayfromthecarwithatightlookonhisface

thatIcouldn’tquiteread.Thenheclosedthedoor,leavingmemorealonethanI

hadfeltinalongtime.

Iwashurtatfirst,butthenIgotangry,liketerror-alert-level-orangeangry.

WasInotgoodenoughforhim?IfumbledwiththedoorhandleuntilIopenedit

andgotout.

“Whatthehell?”Isnapped.

“I’msorry,”hesaidasheshookhisheadandranahandoverhishair.“Ijust

can’tdothis.”

“Whynot?Therearen’tanycamerashere.Thisisn’tanadultmovieshootthat

your‘futurewife’mightsee,sowhat’stheproblem?”

“Getinthecar.I’lltakeyouhome.”HisexpressionshutteredandIcouldno

longerreadhisface,asifhe’dcutmeoffnotjustphysically,butemotionally.

“Whatthehellwasthat?”Isaid.“Ithoughtweweregoingtohavesomefun.

Whathappened?”

Heshookhisheadandlookedaway.“Nothing,Ijustshouldn’thavestarted

thisinthefirstplace.Idon’thavetimeforthisrightnow,Ihaveafightintwo

days.Ineedtostayfocused.”Hewouldn’tlookmeintheeyesanymore.

Didhejustsayhedidn’thavetimeforthis?Forme?Familiarnegative

emotionscameroaringbackbeforeIcouldstopthem.IfeltlikeI’dbeenpunched.

Iwasusedtothisbynow,topeoplenothavingtimeforme.I’dbeendealing

withthisallmylife.Butforsomereason,hearingitfromIanhurtmorethanithad

inalongtime.Ithoughtwe’dmadearealconnection.He’dcometomyrescueon

thedancefloorandhadbeensweetandeasytotalkto.

Stunned,I’drealizedthatdespitemycheckeredpast,I’dneverfeltquiteso

rejectedbefore.SoI’ddugmyfingernailsintothepalmsofmyhands,butthepain

couldn’tstopthestupidtears.

Withoutanotherword,Ihadrushedtoanearbytaxistand,gotinthebackof

thefirstone,andslammedthedoor.

Five

I

AN

Theofficeatthegymwassmallerthanmyownathome,butChrishadmanagedto

squeezeinadingycracked-leathersofa,alongwithanolddeskandbulkychair.I

tossedmybaginthecornerandshovedapileoftowelsoffthecouchtomake

room.

Chrisreachedbehindhisdeskandpulledaproteinshakeoutofhismini

fridge,thentossedittome.“Headsup,bro.”

Icaughtitandshookitbeforeunscrewingthecap.Theshitwasgreenand

thick,whichnodrinkshouldeverbe.Ittastedlikeblendeddirtandleaves.Itook

adeepbreathandchuggeditdowninasfewgulpsasIcouldmanage.

Ishuddered.EventhoughIdrankthesamenastybreakfasteverymorning,I

nevergotusedtoit.ItwasjustoneofthemanybrutalthingsIwillinglyputmyself

through,becauseittooksacrificetobecomeaproMMAfighter.AndknowingI

wasclosetoachievingmydreamfueledmetokeeppushing.

“IhadacallyesterdaywithShannon,”Chrissaid,andIperkedup.Steve

Shannonwasthemanagerofseveralprofighters.IfIcouldgetamatch,evenwith

oneofhisnewerfighters,Iwouldbealmostthere.“HewantsyoutofightGator.

He’ssetitupalreadyfortwomonthsfromnow.”

“Gator,”Irepeated.TherewereseveralprofightersinmyweightclassI

thoughtIcouldbeat,andhewasoneofthem.

Gameon.

“He’sawrestler,sowe’llneedtoworkonyourgroundtechnique.I’vegota

guycomingintotownnextweektotrainwithyou.”

WithoutChris,Iwouldn’tbewhereIwasnow.Iwasagoodfighter,butit

wasn’tjustaboutfighting,itwasaboutwhoyoutrainedwithandwhoyouknew.

Chriskneweveryone,allthemanagersandallthecoaches.Healsoknewenough

fightersthatIoftenendeduptrainingwithpros.Itsoundedlikehehadanotherone

linedup.Good.Ineededsomeonetochallengeme.

Throughtheone-wayglass,IcouldseeMacKenzieasshejumpedonthe

treadmillforhermorningrun.

“Where’dyoutakeher?”Iasked.Ihadn’tmeanttoaskChrisabouthisnight

withKenzie,butIcouldn’tstandnotknowing.Whatwasitaboutherthatmademe

losecontrol?

“Zito’s,”washisone-wordanswer.

Shit.Igavehimtheperfectopportunitytospillthedetails,andhedidn’ttake

it.I’dspentalllastnightbeatingmyselfupaboutthetwoofthemouttogether.

Alone.Iwantedthemtogoandhaveagoodtime.IwantedKenzietohavefun.I

keptontellingmyselfthat.

ButIknewChris.Iknewhelikedtobagthemassoonashepossiblycould.

AndthethoughtofhimtouchinghermademereallygladIwasn’tjuicing,because

Ialreadywantedtopoundhimjustfortheimagethatputinmymind.SoI’d

promisedmyselfIwouldn’task,andhopefullyhewouldn’ttellme.

Onlyhealwaystold,sowhywasn’thetalkingnow?Coulditbethatnothing

actuallyhappened?

Ilookedoutatheronthetreadmill.God,IwantedtoknowsobadIalmost

flat-outaskedhimifhefuckedher.Getagrip,Ian.

“That’saprettyhigh-endrestaurant,”Isaidinstead.Becauseitwas,forhim.

Normallyagirlwasluckyifhetookhertoanall-you-can-eatbuffet.

“Iwasinthemoodforsomethingdifferent.”Chrisshrugged.“Besides,

MacKenzieisdifferent.”

Damnright,shewas.Itookadeepbreath.Somethingaboutthewayhesaid

that,though,gotundermyskin.Therewasonlyonethingworsethanthemhaving

sex,ormaybejustasbad—

Hecouldbefallingforher.

“You’recoolwithmedatingher,right?”heasked.“Youdon’thaveanything

goingwithher,doyou?”

“No.”Thewordfeltlikesawdustinmymouth.“It’sfine.Justbecareful,

she’sCade’sgirl’sbestfriend.They’relikefamily.Sodon’tfuckwithher.”

ThelastpartmighthavecomeoutabitmorevenomousthanI’dintended.Too

fuckingbad.WhenitcametoMacKenzie,somethinginsidemeneededtomake

sureshe’dbetreatedright.

Chrisliftedhischininacknowledgment.“LikeIsaid,she’sdifferent.IthinkI

couldactuallylikeher.Hey,speakingofwomen,when’sthelasttimeyousaw

someaction?”Hebrokeoutintoabigsmile,andIwantedtopoundhim.Again.

“Dick,”Isaid.

Hewasfuckingwithme,butitwasnojoke,Ineededagoodground-and-

poundwithacoed.MaybethatwouldgetmymindoffMacKenzie.Besides,Iwas

gettingseriousblueballsfromallthesexIwasnothaving.AnothersacrificeI

madewhileintrainingmode.

Sexwasadistraction.OnethatIdesperatelywanted,butcouldn’tafford.

Therewasanimportantfightinjustunderaweek.Iwasthesurebet,butmy

opponentactuallyhadachance.AndthatmeantIhadtobeontopofit.Ihadto

win.Mydickwouldhavetowaithisturn.

“I’mgonnagosuitup,”Chrissaid,thengotuptoleave.“Seeyououtthere.”

Onhiswayout,hestoppedbrieflytotalktoMacKenzie.Shesmiledathim,

thenlaughedatsomethinghesaid.Icouldn’thelpbutnoticethesmiledidn’treach

hereyes.

Heheadedtothelockerroom,leavingMacKenzieonthetreadmill.It

wouldn’thurttositandtakeintheview.Besides,Ihadafewminutes.

Giveupthechancetowatchherrun?Imightbeintrainingmode,butIwas

stillaman.

Six

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Iknewthisdouble-datethingwasabadidea,butIcouldn’texplainwhy.Chris

hadawayoftalkingmeintothingswithoutmeevenrealizingit,sohereIwas,

gettingreadyforyetanotherdatewithhim.AdoubledatewithIan,noless.

Idownedaglassofchardonnay—myget-ready-to-go-outdrinkofchoice—as

Istoodovermybed,tryingtofigureoutwhichdresstowear.Itwasdowntothe

navybluedresswithaflowingskirtandamodestscoop-necktop,ortheskintight

wine-coloredspaghetti-strapnumber.

Glancingattheclock,Isighed.Chriswasduetopickmeupanysecondnow.

Ineededtomakeadecision.

Screwit.IfIanwascomingwithadate,itdidn’tmatteranymore.Iwasgoing

towearthesexiestthingIhad,andhecouldjustseewhathewasmissing.

Steppingintotheskintightdress,Ipulleditup.ThebuzzerrangasIslidinto

myshoes.Itookonelastswigofwineandhoppedoutthedoor,pullingmysecond

shoeonasIstruggledtomaintaintheholdonmyclutch.Iskippeddownthestairs

andoutthedoor,slammingrightintoChris.

“Well,hello,”hesaidashestumbledback,catchingusboth.“Youinahurry,

sweetie?”

Hesmiledandlookeddownatmyface,thenhelookeddownfarther.My

cleavageappearedtohavegainedhisattention.

Fine.Lethimlook.ItriedtoconvincemyselfthatIwantedtodateChris;

maybeitwastimeformetoshitorgetoffthepot,orwhatever.Istumbledalittle

andhiccupped.

“Oops.Hi,Chris,”Isaid,myvoicecomingouthigherthannormal.

Hetookmyarm,steadyingme.“You’restartingalittleearlytonight,don’t

youthink?”

“Imayhavehadalittletoomuchgetting-readywine,”Iexplained,myface

hot.Yep,definitelytoomuch.“Sorry.”

“It’sokay,sweetie.”Chriskissedmeonthelips.Thiswasourthirddate,but

onlyourfirstlip-on-lipkiss.Itwasclose-mouthedandhecameinalittletoo

hard,asifhewasworriedIwouldbackawaybeforehecouldfollowthrough.

“Let’sgetgoing,”hesaid,thenledmetothecar.

Therestaurantwasn’tthatfar,butthebuzzIhadfromthewinewaswearing

offbythetimewegotthere.

Ianandhisdatewerealreadyseatedwhenwearrived.Thetablewasquietas

weapproached,andtheylookedasiftheyhadn’tbeentalkingmuch.Ianwasa

littlestiff,butputonasmilewhenhesawus.Hisdatewasdrop-deadflipping

gorgeous.Ofcourseshewas;shewaswithIan,forgoodness’sake.

Iwasseatedacrossfromher.God,why?Shehadlonglegsandlookedlikea

swimsuitmodel.

Shesmiled.“Hi,I’mSara.”Itwasagenuinesmile.Whichmademehateher,

ofcourse.Herhairwasbeautiful,longandflowingredlocks.Shelooked

familiar,though.

IthitmesosuddenlythatIbarelymanagedtostifleasmall,“Ohshit,”asI

coveredmymouth.

Itwasher.Cade’sfirstadultmovieco-star.Desireewasherstagename,but

wecalledher“thescreamer”becauseshe’dhowledlikeabansheethroughthe

wholething.Itsoundedsofake,itwaspainful.

Thenightwe’dgatheredaroundAlexa’slaptopandwatchedCade’svideo

camefloodingback.Istruggledtokeepastraightface,butcouldhardlylook

“Sara”intheeyes,evenasIcouldn’tstopstaringather.

“Nicetomeetyou,Sara,”Isaid.Ihadn’tmeanttoemphasizehername,butit

cameoutthatway.IgaveherasfriendlyasmileasIcouldmanagebeforeturning

toIanandChris.“Shouldwegetabottleofwine?”

“Yes,”SaraandIanbothansweredatthesametime.

ChrislookedatIan,shocked.

Iansmiled.“Imeanforyouguys,yeah.I’mintrainingmode.Ihavemy

water.”Hepointedathisglassonthetable.

Whenthewaiterarrivedwithabottleofwhite,wefilledourglasses.The

conversationturnedtoIan’snextfightinjusttwodayswithasemi-profighter

namedSteel.

“Remember,he’sagroundfighter,”Chrissaid.“Keephimonhisfeet,and

he’syourbitch.”

Ianleanedinandthetwoofthembeganstrategizing,leavingSaraandmeto

listen.

Curious,IwatchedhowIanwaswithSara.Theyhadalmostafootofspace

betweenthem.IlookedovertoseehowfarChriswasfromme;itwasaboutthe

same.NotthatIwaskeepingscoreoranything.

Chrisglancedatmeandleanedcloser,takingmyhand.“So,Sara,”hesaid.

“Whatisitthatyoudo?”

“She’sagraphicdesigner,”Iansaidquickly.Shelookedathimandnodded.

WhywasIanlyingaboutwhatshedidforaliving?

“Really?”Iaskedaftertakinganothersipofwine.“Wheredoyouwork?”

“Shedoesfreelance,”Ianansweredforheragain.

Iblottedmylipswithmynapkinandplaceditonmyplate.“Ihavetogoto

theladies’room.”ThenIgrabbedmyclutchandpulledmyphoneout,dialing

AlexaasIwalked.

“DidyouknowIanwasdatingthescreamer?”Ididn’tevengiveAlexatime

toanswerbeforeIstarted.Myphonepressedtomyear,Imadeittotheback

hallwayneartherestrooms,butdidn’tgoin,choosingtoloiteroutsideinstead.

Therewasapause.“I’mnotsurethey’reactuallydating,”Alexaanswered

whenshefiguredoutwhatIwasrantingabout.“Cadewarnedmethatshewould

begoingoutwithIan.HewantedtoknowifIwouldbeokaywithit.Heposedit

asafavortoIan,likehewassettingthemupforsomereason.”

“WhyonearthwouldIanneedtobesetuponablinddate?He’samazing.”It

slippedout,andIcouldn’tputitbackin.Damnwine.

“Yeah,”shesaid,thenpaused.“Butthere’ssomethingelseweirdaboutthe

wholething.Cadeaskedme—no,beggedmenottotellyouthatshewasaporn

star.”Shegiggledthroughthephone.“Ididn’thavethehearttoremindhimthat

you’dseenthemovietoo.”

“OhmyGod,Lexa!”

Icouldn’tbelievewhatshewassaying.DidIanreallynotwantmetoknow

hewasdatingapornstar?Why?

“WhydoeshecarewhatIthinkofhissexploits?Hecanfuckanypornstarhe

damnwellpleases.”

ThesecondIsaidthewords“pornstar,”Inotedtwothings.First,Iwas

definitelytalkingtooloudly,andsecond,“Sara”hadroundedthecornerandwas

withinearshot.

SoIdidwhatanystupididiotwho’djuststucktheirfootintheirmouthwould

do—Ipretendeditdidn’thappen.IduckedmyheadandwalkedpastSarawithout

lookingherintheeye,thephonestillpressedtomyearasIheadedbacktothe

table.

“ItseemedimportanttoCade,soIhopeyouwon’ttell,”Alexasaid.

“Whoistherelefttotell?Chris?”

Maybethatwasit.Iandidn’twantChristoknowbecauseChriswouldtease

himaboutitlater.Ididn’tknowwhy,butthethoughtoftellingChriswasn’t

appealingtome.

“Theirsecretissafewithme,”Iwhispered.“Look,sweetie,Igottago.”

ThenIsatbackdownatthetable.

Seven

I

AN

I’dneverhiredaprostitute,andhadneverpaidforsex.Hell,Ineverhadto.So

whenIaskedCadeifheknewanyoneIcouldbringoutonadoubledatewith

ChrisandMacKenzie,Iwasn’texpectinghimtosuggestpayingsomeone.Still,

onceI’dheardhimout,hisideadidn’tseemtotallywhack.Infact,itmadesense.

NormallyIwouldhavebroughtoneofthegymbunniestothedinner,because

allIneededwasaprettygirlonmyarm,butthebigfightwasonlytwodaysaway

andIdidn’ttrustmyself.I’dbecomeoneserioushorndog,anditseemedtoget

exponentiallyworsewheneverMacKenziewasaround.

SoIneededasurething.SomeoneIcouldtrusttonotthrowherselfatme.

Cade’sfriendSarawasonherownandtryingtotakecareofanewborn.My

trustfundwasprettywellpadded,sowesettledontheterms:afewhundred

dollarsandafreemealinexchangeforhercompanyfortheevening.

“Thanksforcomingouttonight,”IsaidasIdroveSarahome.

“SorryIwassoquiet,”shesaid.“IguessI’mnotgoodatthisescort

business.”

“Itwasfine.Youweregreat,”Ilied.

She’dlookedonedgeformostofthenight,butChrisdidn’tseemtonotice

andMacKenziewassauced,soIdidn’tknowhowshewouldhaveknown.All

thatmatteredwasthatthenightwasfinallyfuckingover.IcouldpaySaraand

neverthinkofheragain.

“IfeellikeIcouldhavebeenbetterifIwasalonewithyou,”shesaid.

“Whatthe—”

MytiressquealedandInearlyranofftheroadwhenshegrabbedmydick.

WhatthefuckingfuckwasIpayingherfor?IhadmadeitveryclearwhenIpicked

herupthatIwasnotpayingforsex.Noextras.

“No,”IsaidasIliftedherhandoutofmylapandputitbackinherown

whereitbelonged.“Itoldyou,Ijustneededadateforthedinner.Idon’tneedany

ofthat.”

“You’retellingmeaguylikeyoudoesn’tneedthis?”

Shepickedupmyhandandstuckmymiddlefingerinhermouth,alltheway

in,suckingithardandlickingatitwithhertongue.Icouldn’thelpimaginingher

hot,wetmouthonmycock,andIalmostpulledthefuckoverrightthere.Thisgirl

definitelyknewwhatshewasdoing.Goddamn.

Buttrainingmodewastrainingmode.

“Ican’t.Itoldyouwewouldn’t.I’msorryifyoumisunderstoodthedeal.I’m

training.”Ipulledmyfingeroutofhermouthandwipedhersalivaonmypants.

Yuck.Andmydickwentsoft.

Sarapulledhermouthintoalittlepout.“Sorry,Iknowyousaidnosex,butI

wasn’tgoingtochargeyouoranything.Ijust…”Sheshookherheadandlooked

outthewindow.“Nevermind.Sorry.”

Therestoftheridebacktoherapartmentwasdamnawkward.Iwastempted

topeeloffassoonasshewasoutofmycar,butIhadtogoinsideandpickupmy

littlesister,Sophia,who’dbeenbabysittingSara’sbabysothatshecouldgoout.

Sarafumbledwiththelock,pushingandpullingatthedoorbeforeitfinally

burstopen,andIcouldseeinsidethetinyfrontroomofherapartment.Sophiawas

thereonthesofajustasI’dfiguredshewouldbe,butthepersonnexttoher,

Cade’sformeradultfilmproducer,IneverthoughtI’dseeagain.AndIsureas

fuckdidn’teverwanttoseehiminthesameroomwithmylittlesister.Every

singlemuscleinmybodytensedinstantly.

Fightingoutsidetheringwasabadideaforanyseriousfighter.Itcouldlead

toseriousinjury—oftheotherparty,ofcourse—andthentherewerealltherules

intendedtokeepeveryonesafeinthering.Buttheydidn’tapplyouthere.

Sophiasprangupthesecondshesawmecomein.Hereyeswidenedandshe

scurriedbacktowardthekitchen.“Wewerejusttalking,”shesaid,asifIwould

beokaywithmylittlesistertalkingtoapornographyproducer.Ididn’tcareifit

wasthesofterstuff;staythefuckawayfromSophia.

Iclenchedmyjawandbreatheddeeply,tryingtostaycalmenoughtonot

murderthislittleshit.

Hestoodupwithafriendly-assgrinonhisface,seeminglyoblivioustothe

factthatIwasahairawayfromredecoratingSara’sapartmentwithhisinternal

organs,andtookasteptowardme.

“Hey,Ian,rememberme?I’mRick.IwasjuststoppingintocheckonSara.”

HewasmostlikelytheretotrytotalkSaraintocomingbacktoworkforhim,

butCadetoldmeshe’dbeenoutofthebusinessforawhileandwasplanningon

stayingthatway.Thebitaboutherbeingadesignerwasn’tatotallie;shewas

goingtoschooltobeone,shejusthadn’tfinishedyet.

Itdidn’tmatterwhatreasonRickhadforbeinghere,though.Hewasnot

welcome.AssoonasIgotmyragepartiallyundercontrol,Isteppedtowardhim.

“Ithinkyou’dbetterleave.”

“Iwasjustcheckinginon—”

“Rick,go.”Sophiainterruptedhim,hervoiceurgent.Sheknewme,andknew

Iwasn’tdickingaround.

“Don’tyouworry,sweetlittleSophia.I’mjust—”Rickstarted,butIdidn’t

lethimfinish.

Iswepthisfeetoutfromunderhim,thengrabbedhishandandtwistedit,

pullinghimbackwardtowardthedoorsothathehadtoscurrycrablikeaftermein

ordertonotbreakhiswrist.

“Youdidn’tknowSophiawasmylittlesister,whichistheonlyreasonI’m

notkillingyourightnow.Getthefuckout,andnevercomeback.”Ipulledhimout

thedoorandlefthiminthehallway.“IfyoueverapproachSophiaagain…”I

didn’tfinishbecause,hell,whoknewwhatI’ddoifIeversawhimwithSophia

again.

RicklookedseriouslypissedoffasIslammedthedooronhim.Toughshit.

“Sophia,whatthehellwereyoudoingtalkingtothatshit-bag?”

Mysisterfoldedherarmsoverherchestandglaredupatme.“Ian,youcan’t

tellmewhototalkto.Youdon’tgettodothattoeveryone.”

“ThehellIdon’t.IfIevercatchhimnearyouagain,it’shisfuckingfuneral.

Now,grabyourstuffandlet’sgo.”Ipulledoutawadofcashandthrustitinto

Sara’shandonmywaytothedoor.

“Damnit,Ian,”Sophiasaidasshegrabbedherpurse,butshefollowedme

out.

InevershouldhavehadherwatchSara’skid.IknewSarawasaformer

“actress.”ItwasmyownfaultSophiawashere.

“Youknowwhathedoes,right?”IaskedSophiaasIdroveherhome.

“Yeah.”ShelookedatmelikeIwasatotalshit.Sheknewshewastheonly

personwhocouldlookatmethatwayandgetawaywithit.“He’sCade’sadult

filmdirector.”

Sophiawipedherhandacrosshernoseandturnedtolookoutthewindow,

herkneebouncingrapidlyupanddown.Shedidthatwhenshewaspissedoff.

Ileftheraloneanddroveherbacktoherapartmentinsilence.

Eight

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Iknewthat,asanurse,Ishouldn’tenjoywatchingtwoguysbeatoneachotherso

much,butitwascagefighting.Allthatrawtestosteronebeingthrownaroundwas

atotalturn-on.Andlet’snotforgetthattheseguyswerenakedfromthewaistup,

andtotallybuilt.

Um,andmaybeIpretendedtheywerefightingoverme.

Myeyeswerefixedontheguyinblueshorts.Sweatdrippedfromhisface

ontohisfirmbronzedpecs.Hisbodywasalreadyglistening.Itwasthefinal

round,andhewasstillthrowingpunchesandkicks.He’dlostsomeofthebounce

inhisstep,buthisopponentsaggedonhisfeet,hiseyeshalfclosed.Hewasina

perpetualblockstancewithhishandsinfrontofhisface,probablyjusthopinghe

couldstaystandinguntilthefinalhorn.

ItlookedlikeSweatyPecswasgoingtowinthisone.Tobehonest,itwasn’t

themostexcitingfightI’dseen.

IstifledayawnandnudgedTy.“Watch,youpussy.”Hewascurleduponhis

foldingchair,peekingthroughthecracksbetweenhisfingers.

“Kenzie,Ican’tbelieveyoucanwatchthis.Youareonesickchick.”

“Whydidyoucomeifyoudidn’twanttoseethemfight?”Iasked.Iknew

why,butIstilllikedtoteasehim.Tywassonewlyoutoftheclosetthathehada

hardtimesayingitaloudsometimes.

“Ilikewatchingthemwhenthey’resparring.Ithoughtthiswouldbelike

that,”hesaid,hisvoicehighandwhiny.

“Youjustwantedtogetyourfillofshirtlessmen.Admitit.Butwhycan’tyou

getintoit?Pretendoneofthemisfightingforyourhonor.”Ibattedmyeyelashesat

him.

Hebithislowerlip,andhisgazewanderedasheconsideredthe

implications.

Ilaughed.Theguysatthegymweregayfriendly,buttheywerealsomostly

verystraight.Theideaofbeinginarelationshipwithaguywouldprobablymake

themgethuffyprettydamnquick.

Ianenteredtheroomandtookaseatofftothesideofthering.Hisfightwas

upnext,themainevent.Hesatupstraight,hismusclesrelaxedevenashewatched

thefightclosely,asifitwasanimportantlesson.Hiseyesfollowedeverymove

ofeachfighter.Youcouldalmostseehimmentallytakingnotesofwhatthefighter

wasdoingwell,andmoreimportantly,wherehisvulnerabilitieswere.

HewassointentlywatchingthefightthatIcouldsafelylookathimwithout

himnoticing.Ahintofhiseight-packrippledunderhisT-shirt.Hisarmswere

tanned,butnotyetsweaty.Hisskinlookedsoft,andIknewhismuscleswererock

hard.

Thefinalbuzzersounded,pullingmyattentionawayfromIanandbacktothe

cage.SweatyPecswonbyjudges’decision.

“Woo-hoo!”Ishouted,nudgingTy,who’dmanagedtoatleastputhisfeet

downonthefloor.

“MacKenzie.”Chrissmiledashebeckonedmeuptothecage.

“That’sme,”Isaidandgrabbedmymedicbag,headingtothefront.

Voicesbuzzedexcitedlyaseveryonemilledaround,gettingreadyforthemain

event,andImovedtothesidetodomypost-fightcheck.Firstwiththeloser;

sadly,hewasoneofours.Hewasexhausted,dehydrated,andwouldbebruised

asshittomorrow,buthe’dsurvive.

Next,Ilookedoverthewinner.“What’syourname?”IaskedasIshineda

lightinhiseyestocheckforreaction.

“I’mAdam,”hesaid.

“Nicefighttonight,Adam,”IsaidasItookhispulse.Thiswasallroutine.As

thegymmedic,Icheckedallthefightersafteramateurboutslikethisone.

AsItrackedthesecondhandonmywatch,anotherfightersteppedupbehind

mypatient.Niceabs.Ilickedmylipsandlookeduptoseewhoitwas,andtried

nottoshowhowannoyedIwasasIinwardlyrolledmyeyes.ItwasIan.Mr.

Porn-star-daterhimself.

“Hi,MacKenzie,”hesaidstiffly.

Hesoundedallformal.Soirritating.Ifhedidn’twanttobewithme,thatwas

fine,butIdidn’tneedthisstupidprofessionalcrapbetweenus.

Ididn’trespond,insteadturningbacktomypatient.“Doyoufeellikeyou

sustainedanyinjuries?”Iknewfromwatchingthefightthathewouldbesore

tomorrow,buttherewasnothingserious.

“IthinkImayhavepulledmygroinmuscle,”hesaidashesmiledandwinked

atme.“Couldyoutakealook?”

IanremainedrootedtothespotbehindAdam,hisheadcockedashewaitedto

seehowIwouldrespond.

WhatIdidnextwastotallyinsane.“Sure,”IsaidasIsmiledathimsweetly

andslidmyhanduphisthigh.

WhatthecrapamIdoing?Histhighwasrockhardbuthewasn’tthathot,

andwewereinthemiddleofthegym.Chris’sgym.Chris,whoIwasdating.

IcaughttherageinIan’sposture,though,andthateggedmeon.IgaveAdam

mybestdoe-eyedsmileandgrabbedhisgroinprotector.Hiscockhardened

quickly,andhemovedtoadjusthisjewels.

“Doesthathurt?”Iaskedinnocently.

WhenIanletoutahugebreathandstormedoff,Istifledalaughandstoodup.

Servesyouright,youbigjerk.Hurts,doesn’tit?

“Hey,”Adamsaid.“Youaren’tdoneexaminingmyinjuries.”

“You’llbefine,”Isaidandturnedtogobacktomyseat,butAdamgrabbed

myarm.

“Hey,slut,youstartedsomething.”

IbarelyhadtimetoreactbeforeChriswasinfrontofAdam,allpuffedup

andreadytogo.Hemightnotfightanymore,buthecouldstillwhipanyguyatthe

gym,evenwithhisbumknee.Mostguysknewthis,andevenifAdamdidn’t,he

shouldbeabletoseethatChrishadaboutahundredmorepoundsofmuscleon

himthanAdam’sslightfeatherweightbuild.

Thegymownerdidn’tsayaword.HejuststaredatAdamuntilhebacked

down,grabbinghisgearbagandheadingtotheexit.

Christhenturnedtomewithadisgustedsneer.“Doeshethinkjustbecausehe

winsafighthecangrabanyrewardhewants?”

“Yeah,”Isaidandranmyhandthroughmyhair.Ishouldn’thavegrabbed

Adamthatway,butinthatmoment,IwantedtogetatIanriledupsobad,Iwent

forit.TherewasnowayinhellIwouldadmitanyofthistoChris,though,soI

justagreed.

“I’vegotyourback,sweetie,”hesaid,thenleaneddownandkissedmeonthe

nose.

“Thanks,boss.”

Ikeptmyvoiceevenbutgavehimapointedlook,remindinghimofthedeal

we’dmade.Iwasjustamedicwhenwewereatwork.Thedatingthingonlywent

onoutsidethegym.ThenIheadedbacktomyfoldingchairinthefirstrow.

Tyseemedtohaveforgottenhewasscaredoffightingandwasfinallygetting

intothehalf-naked-manshowgoingon,whichwasexactlywhyI’dbroughthim.

Hewaslikeagirlfriendwithoutthecompetition…soflippingawesome!

Ian’sopponentsteppedintotheringandimmediatelystarteddancingaround

withhisfistsintheair.Tomysurprise,agoodportionoftheaudiencecheeredfor

him.Ilookedaround;maybethisguyhadafewfriendsintheaudience.

OneoftherefscheckedoverIan,thenlethimintotheringaswell.

“Ladiesandgentlemen,”theannouncerbegan.“Thisisthemainevent,three

five-minuterounds,middleweightMMAfight.Weighinginatonehundredninety

pounds,twenty-four-year-oldIanLeclaire,representingthehomegym.His

opponent,twenty-seven-year-oldMichaelSteel,weighinginattwohundred

pounds,hailingfromLasVegas.”

FromthefewfightsI’dseen,Ianhadbeenfightingbelowhispotentialfora

while.Itseemedlikeeveryfighthehad,heendedupknockingtheguyoutinthe

firstround.I’dheardheonceknockedsomeoneoutwiththefirstpunch.

Thefighttonightwassupposedtobedifferent,though.ThisguySteelhad

foughtprobefore,ifonlysomewhatbriefly.ButifIancouldwinthisfight,it

wouldopenallkindsofdoorsforhim.Iwasalreadyontheedgeofmyseat.

Insidethering,thereftalkedtothefightersbrieflybeforehehadthemtouch

glovesandthefirstroundstarted.Ianwasabouncer;hejumpedaroundonhis

feet.Steelshookhisheadasiftryingtoshakeavoicefromhismind,thenhe

steppedintoswingatIan.

Ianwasreadyforhimandsidesteppedashejabbedtheguysquarelyinthe

jaw.Steeljerkedback.IthoughtIwasabouttowatchIan’ssecondeverone-hit

knockout,butSteelfoundhisfootingandonlywaveredslightlybeforehecame

backatIan.Hard.

“Damn,girl,”Tysaid.

“What?”Iturnedtohim.

“Youjusttotallyflinched.”

“Ididnot.You’recrazy.”

“Tsk.Whateves.”

Nine

I

AN

Adrenalinerushedthroughmyveins,andIcouldn’thavethat.Toomuch

adrenalinetoosoon,andyoutiredyourselfout.

ItwasstupidofmetotrytoengagewithKenziebeforeafight.NowIjust

wantedtohitsomething,hard.Butthisguywasapro,anditwouldtakemorethan

justbruteforcetowinthis.Ineededskillandalevelhead.

Wetouchedgloves,andIwentrightfortheobviousjawjabwithouteven

thinking.Damn.Iwasn’tsupposedtodothat.Theguy’sskullwassothick,he’d

neverbeenknockedout.Iknewthis,butIcouldn’tfocus.

Mustfocus.

Ibouncedonmytoestobleedtheenergyoutandtotrytokeephimguessing,

butthenIlostitandcameathim.Onepunch,thenanother,thenakick.Heblocked

bothpunches,thenheblockedmykick.Iwentathimagain,punchingathimover

andoverlikeafuckingidiot,butIcouldn’tstop,hauntedbythescaredlookon

Kenzie’sfacewhenChriswasholdingthatfighterback.Whathadhedonetoher?

Frustrated,IwhaledonSteelsomemore,buthecalmlyblockedeveryblow.

AttherateIwasburningcalories,I’dexhaustmyselfbytheendofthefirstround.

YetIcouldn’tstophittinghimandkeptatituntilhefinallythrewapunch.

Ijumpedthewrongway,puttingmyselfrightinthelineoffire.Fuck.Righton

thenose.Thatwasgoingtoleaveamark.

“Getyourassingearandmove!”Chriscalledoutfromthesidelines.He

knewIwasdistracted;hejustdidn’tknowitwasbecausetheideaofanyone

messingwithMacKenzieturnedmeintoahomicidalmaniac.

Ibouncedbackandshookitoff.Themetallictasteinthebackofmymouth

toldmeIwasbleeding,butIignoredit.

Steelbobbedinfrontofme,throwingpunchesIknewwerefakebecauseI

wasfamiliarwithhisfightstyle,I’dwatcheditsomanytimes.Ieasilyavoided

hisswings,rememberingthathewouldsoontrytograbmeandbringmetothe

ground.Iwhirledbeforehegotthechanceandgavehimastrongkicktotheside

ofhishead.

Contact.

Hiswholebodyfloatedsidewaysfrommykickandfellintothecagewall.

Steelpushedhimselfbackonhisfeet,andIwentathimagain.Hereallyhad

lostsomeofhisfight,almostfallingashecameatme.

Heraisedhisfistsagain,andIthoughthewasabouttogoformykidneysoI

movedtoblock,butinsteadhepunchedmerightinthefuckingthroat.

Ispunback,grabbingatmythroatasifthatwouldgetmetheairthatIneeded.

Sonofabitch,thathurt.Iclutchedthesideofthecageandgaspedforbreath.A

pinchofair,thenanother.Iwasbreathing,sortof.Therefcameoverandputa

handonmyshoulder,andIwavedhimoff.IjustneededsomeroomsothatIcould

breathe.Please.

Kenziewassuddenlyrightinfrontofme,grabbingthelinksofthecageasshe

staredatme,wide-eyed.Ididn’twanthergettingclosetoSteel.Ididn’twanther

anywherenearthisshitball.Iwavedheroff,ortriedto.Stubbornlysheheldon,

andChrishadtostepinandpullheraway.

“Areyouokay?”therefasked.

Inodded,butputmyhandupbetweenustolethimknowIneededasecond.It

musthavetakenmetoolong,becausehehelduphishandasifhewasaboutto

announcethewinner.

Fuck.Ididn’twantthis.Steel’sfisttothethroatwasafoul.AndifIcouldno

longerfightbecauseofhismove,Iwon.

Hewasabouttoannouncemywin,butIdidn’twanttowinthisway.Itwas

likewinningapoolgamebecausetheotherguyscratchedontheeightball.It

wouldsaynothingaboutmyskilllevel,onlythatSteelwasadirtyfighter.I

wouldn’tgettherecognitionIneeded,andIwouldn’tgetthenewfightsIwanted.

“Wait,”Isaid,thewordcomingoutscratchybecausemyvoicedidn’twantto

work.“I’mgood,”Iwhispered.

Damn,Isoundedlikeshit,butasIspoke,mybreathstartedtocomemore

easily.Therefrelented,andthefightwasbackon.Myneckhurtlikeabitch,but

therewasonlyfiftysecondsleftinthisround.IfIcouldjusthangonuntilthen,I

mightbeabletowinthis.Ihoped.Fuck.

Iledwithakickandmanagedtocornerhimagainstthefence,poundinghis

faceseveraltimesinrapidsuccession.Hecurleduptohidehisface,andI

punchedhimintheside.Hesanktothefloor,andIrolledhimoverandputahold

onhim.

Withasurprisingburstofenergy,Steelpushedbackandrolledusover,

landingallhisweightonmyshoulder.Iheardthecrunch.Ithurtsobad,Ifucking

yelled.ButImanagedtopullhimoffwithmyotherarm,wrapmylegsaroundhim,

andsecuretheholdaroundhisneck.Hewaitedabeatbeforehetappedout.

Yeah,bitches!

Thebellrang,andIletSteelup.

Thecrowdroaredtoitsfeet,butasIstoodup,myshoulderscreamedinpain.

Ithurtsobadly,Ipoundedmyfistintothecage,asifthatwouldmakethepain

stop.

Kenziewasintheringassoonasthefightwascalled.Shestoppedinfrontof

me,hereyesallredandwet.

What?Whathappened?Whatmadehercry?Ididn’tunderstand.

Ten

I

AN

“Ty,you’renotonaSundaydrive.Couldyousteponit,please?”MacKenzie

cried.

Isatinthebackseatwithher—inseriousfuckingpain—whileTydroveusto

theemergencyroom.Mylefteyewasswellingshutandmyfacewasbleedingina

fewplaces,butthatwasn’twhatworriedme.Myshoulderhadbeencrushed

duringthefight,andnowIcouldn’tmovemyarm.Whichmeantitwasbad.

“Don’tbleedonmyupholstery,please,”Tysaid.“Thisisanewcar.”

MacKenziewipedatmyfacewithasterilepad.Itwaspointlesssincethe

bloodwasnowmostlydry,butIletherdoitbecauseitseemedtocalmher.Her

touchwassogentle,itpulledmymindoffthepain.

“We’realmostthere,Ian,”shesaid.

Ishouldn’thavenoticedit,becausetherewassomuchofmyownbloodall

over,butasshedabbedatmyfaceIsawseveralcrescent-shapedwoundsinher

palm.Ipulledherhandawayfrommyfacetogetabetterlook.

“You’rebleeding,”Isaid.“Whodidthistoyou?”Damnit,wasthiswhy

she’dbeencryingearlier?Didthatjerkdothistoher?“Whodidthis?”

“Itwasanaccident,”shesaidandballedherhandupinmine.Thatwaswhen

Imadetheconnection.She’ddoneittoherself.Herownnailsmatchedupwiththe

tinycutsonthepalmofherhand.

“Whathappened?”Iopenedherhandandhelditgentlyinmine,lightly

strokingthemarkswithmythumb.Sheblinkedandatearrandownhercheek.

“Whydidyoudothis?”Iasked,andanothertearfelldownhercheek.“God,

Kenzie,what’swrong?”

“It’sallergies.”Sheshookherheadandsniffed,wipingathereyes.

Thiswasnotfuckingallergies.Icouldn’tstandwatchingagirlcry.Hell,

normallyIwouldrunintheotherdirection,butwithKenzieitwasdifferent.I

didn’twanthertocrybecauseIdidn’twanthertofeelpain,ever.

Iwrappedmygoodarmaroundherandpulledherheadtomychest,then

immediatelywonderedifshewouldn’tgagatthefactthatIhadblood,sweat,and

grimeallovermefromthefight.Butshedidn’tresist,insteadshesurprisedmeby

foldingupclosertome.Itouchedmylipstothetopofherheadandtookadeep

breath.Shesmelledlikehoneyandvanilla.Damnit.Iknewshewassweet,and

thiswasfuckingkillingme.

“We’rehere¸”Tyannouncedfromthefrontseat,thenlookedbackatus.His

mouthdroppedopen,buthequicklyclosedit.

“C’mon,”Kenziesaidasshesatup.Shewipedherfacewithhersleeve,then

gotoutofthecarwithoutlookingatme.

Eleven

M

AC

K

ENZIE

WhatthehellwasIthinkingwhenIagreedtoworkwithIanonhisrehab?

Thetruthwas,IknewexactlywhatIwasthinking.Ihadseenthepaininhis

eyeswhenthedoctorgavehimhisprognosis.Sixtoeightweeks’recoverytime

meantpotentiallymissinghisfirstprofight,theoneChrishadlinedupforhimin

Vegas.Thatfightwasonlysevenweeksaway.Ifhewasgoingtogetbackinshape

andhaveashotatwinningthatfight,heneededallthehelphecouldget.

WhichwaswhyIwassittingonmylivingroomfloorwithAlexaatthree

o’clockinthemorning,surroundedbyeveryanatomytextbookIhad,laptopsopen.

Asanurse,Iknewanatomy.Buttogethimthroughtheinjury,Ineededtobrushup

onsomeofthephysicaltherapyaspects.Luckyforme,shehadofferedtohelp.

Alexaworkednightshiftsatthehospital,soshewasusedtobeingupthis

late,butIneverstayeduplateunlessIwasoutataclubandbeinghighly

entertained.So,almostnever.Tocompensate,Iwaspoundingmyfifthcupof

coffee.

Igaveheraslysmile.“Youdon’tneedtostayupthislate.It’syournightoff,

gobangyourhot-assboyfriend.Atleastthenoneofuswillbegettinglaid

tonight.”

Alexalaughedandblushed,butthenshegotafar-offlookinhereyes.“I’m

sureIcanstayabitlongerwithyouandstillmanagetogetlaid.”Shepaused,then

said,“What’sgoingonwithyouandIan,anyway?”

Shelookedalittlewary,asifImightbiteherforasking,whichwasweird

becauseIalwaystalkedtoheraboutguys.ButasItriedtoanswerthequestion,I

realizedIanwasdifferent.Ifeltsomethingforhimdeepinside,inaplaceInever

shared,notwithanyone.

“Nothing’sgoingon,”Iinsisted.“I’mdatingChris.”Ithink.“I’mjusthelping

Ianrecover.”

ShegavemethatlookshealwaysdidwhensheknewIwaslying,butwasn’t

suresheshouldcallmeonit.

Isighed.“What?”

“It’sjustthatyouseemedsoupsetthatIangothurt,andthentherewasthe

nightyoucalledmefromdinner.Whatdidyoucallhimthatnight?Amazing?”

“So?Iwasdrunk.Everyone’samazingwhenI’mdrunk.”

Itwaskindoftrue,butIfeltmyfingersdigintomypalmsagain.Alexa

neededtobackofforI’dbreak.Pleasedon’tletmefallapartagain.

“Oh,okay,”shesaid.

ThistimewhenshegavemeherKenzie-you’re-so-full-of-itlook,Ijust

ignoredit.Thatwashowsheknewnottopushanymore.Alexawasanexpertat

readingpeopleandknowingwhennottopush,somethingIabsolutelyvaluedina

friend.

IturnedbacktothebookIwasreading,onlyIcouldhardlyconcentrateonthe

wordsinfrontofme.MythoughtskeptreturningtothemomentinTy’scarwhen

Ianhadpulledmecloseandjustheldme.Whydidhedothat?Whywasheso

pushy,tryingtofindoutwhymyhandswerebleeding?Nooneevercaredabout

that,sowhydidhe?

God,Ifeltlikesuchanidiotforfallingapartinfrontofhim,butinthat

moment,itjustfeltsogoodtolethimholdme.Itwaslikehisstrongembraceheld

metogether.

I’dneverfallenapartlikethatbefore.Ihatedit.SomethingaboutIanwasjust

soprotectiveandsosafethatforjustamomentIfeltlikeitwasokaytoletgo.I

hatedthathedidthattomebecauseIdon’tletgo.Idon’tcryinfrontofother

people.Ever.Itmakesyouvulnerable,andwhenyou’revulnerable,peoplecan

hurtyou.

Andhonestly,whatwasIevencryingabout?ThefightbeforeIan’s,Iwas

eatingitup—thecompetition,thetestosteronefillingtheroom.Hell,Ievenloved

itwhenIanwasmessingwithSteel.ButwhenSteelpunchedIaninthethroatandI

sawtheveryrealpaininIan’seyes,howhefoughtforbreath,somethingchanged.

Iracedforthecage,wanting—no,needing—tomakesurehewasokay.

WhenIrealizedIwasholdingmybreath,Iknew.Ineededhimtobreathein

thesamewayIneededmyownbreath.Itwassostupid.Soweak.

“There’snothinggoingonbetweenus,notatall,”ItoldAlexa.Andatthat

moment,IwasdeterminedthatIwouldmeanit.Butthethoughtofspendingso

muchone-on-onetimewithhimduringhisrecoverymademychesttighten,andI

knewIwasintrouble.

Twelve

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Ian’saddresstoldmethathisplacehadtobenice;Ijustdidn’trealizehow

luxuriousitwouldbe.Icouldn’thelpcomparehisbuildingtomine.Myuglylittle

four-storywasareality-cop-showbackdrop,whereashiswasclosertothesetof

thenextrichplayboymovie.Hisbuildingwasaboutahundredyearsolderthan

mine,yetinmuchbettershape.Itwasbeautiful.

Iwascraningmynecktoappreciatethedetailedarchitectureabouttwenty

storiesupwhenadoormanopenedthedoorforme.Hecheckedtomakesuremy

namewasonthelistbeforemotioningformetogopastthedesk.“Downthehall,

takealeft,lastoneattheend.”

AtleastIanlivedonthefirstfloor.Ididn’tthinkIcouldhandleitifhe’d

livedinafancytop-floorpenthouse.Mytennisshoessqueakedonthemarble

floorsasIfollowedthedoorman’sdirections.

IwaswearingwhatIalwaysworetothegym,havingjustcomefromthere,

butheremyshort-shortsandtanktopfeltridiculouslyinadequate.Iwrappedmy

armsaroundmyselftostaywarmintheair-conditioning,andmaybealsotocover

upalittlesinceIwasstartingtonipout.AsImademywaydownthehall,I

wonderedifIwouldbeabletocoachhimthroughphysicaltherapywithmyarms

lockedacrossmychest.Yeah,right.He’djustbetternotgivemecrapaboutitorI

wasleaving.

Ifoundthelastdoor,andIanopeneditbeforeIhadachancetoknock.

“Hey…”Ihadabillionairejokeonthetipofmytongue,butwhenIsawhim,

theplayfulsmirkonmyfacefell.Ithadbeenoveraweeksincethefight,buthis

eyestillborethedarkmarksofbruising,andthegashoverhiseyebrowthey’d

stitchedupintheERhadn’thealedyet.Iinstinctivelysteppedforward,wantingto

brushawaythepainIsawthere,butIheldmyselfback.Thiswasaprofessional

visit.IwasheretohelpIanworkonhisinjury.

Therewasnothinggoingonbetweenus.Heknewit.Iknewit.

HeworelooseshortsandacleanwhiteT-shirt.Hisleftarmwas

immobilized,strappedtohischestwithacomplexbrace.Hehadn’tworkedoutin

overaweek—doctor’sorders—andyethisarmmusclesstillbulgedasifhe

couldripoutofthebrace’sstrapsatanymoment.Itmadethecontraptionlooklike

somesortofjoke.

“Ihadn’tknockedyet,”Istammered.

“Thedoormancalledtoletmeknowyouwerehere.”Ashespoke,Irealized

Iwaslookingdownathisfirmcalfmuscles.Iforcedmygazebackuphisbodyto

meethiseyes.Theyweresoft—forhim—andhelookedsleepy.

“Mustbenicetohaveadoorman,”Isaid.“DidIwakeyou?”

Herubbedhisfreehandoverhisshorthair.“Actually,Ididsleepinabit

today.”

Hesteppedbacktoletmein.AsIwalkedpast,Icaughtahintofhisscent—

soapywithahintofmusk.Ofcoursehesmelledamazing.

Justbusiness,Iremindedmyself.Thisvisitwasgoingtobetricky.

TheroomwasnotwhatI’dexpected,sinceitobviouslywasn’thisapartment.

Insteaditwasasmallgymwithseveraltypesofpunchingbags,amat,free

weights,andallthemachinesheneededtoworkout.

“Ifyourbuildinghassuchnicefacilities,whydoyouevengotothegym?”

“Thisisn’tthebuilding’sfacility.”Hepausedandsmiledalittle.“Irentthis

unit.Thisismyownpersonalgym.IfIkeptallthisinmycondo,mydownstairs

neighborwouldshootme.Iliveupstairsinadifferentunit.”

ImadeamentalnotethathemightbealittlemorewelloffthanIthought.The

billionairejokesthreatenedtoresurface,butIheldback.“Okay,sowhydoyou

evenbotherwithChris’sgym?”

“HereIdon’thavesparringpartnersorcoaches.”

“Right.Ofcourse.”

Ipulledmybagoffmyshoulderandlookedaroundforagoodplacetostash

it.Hetookitfromme,hishandbrushingagainstmineashedid.Justthatsmall

touchsentmynervessingingandgavemegoosebumps.

Iansetmybagonachairbythedoor,thenturnedbacktome.Hiseyes

smoldered.Wasitpossibletobecaressedwithonlyalook?HisAdam’sapple

movedasheswallowed,thenhereachedtothewallbehindme,grabbedahoodie

fromahook,andhelditupinfrontofme.

“You’recold.”Hisgazedrifteddownalmostimperceptibly.

Damnit,Iwasstillnippingout.Thiswasgoinggreat.

Ipulledonthesweatshirt,eventhoughthesuncominginthroughthewindows

madetheplacewarm.Mynipplesweren’texactlyreactingtothecoldanymore,

buthedidn’tneedtoknowthat.

“Let’sgetyououtofthatbrace.”Isteppedtowardhimandreachedout,buthe

tookastepback.

“I’vegotit,”hesaid.HemanagedtoopenthefirstVelcrostrap,buthe

struggledwiththenext.

“Justletmehelpyou,orwe’llbehereallday.”

Iclosedthegapbetweenusbeforehecouldretreatagain,andgentlypulled

hisfreearmfromitsimpossibletask.Holdinghisshoulderinplacewithone

hand,Islowlypulledopenthebracetoreleasehisarm.

“Howtheheckhaveyoubeenmanagingwiththisthingallbyyourselfforthe

lastweek?”AsIasked,IrealizedIhadnoideaifhe’dbeenaloneforthelast

week.Maybehe’dhadhisnewadult-movie-stargirlfriend,“thescreamer,”taking

careofhim.

Notthatitwasanyofmybusiness.SowhywasIsearchinghiseyesforany

hintthathemightnothavebeenalone?Butheremainedsilent,quietlystudying

me.God,Iwasmakingmyselfsick.Whycouldn’tIjustletitgo?

“Let’sstartbytestingyourstrength,”Isaid.“Putyourhandonmyshoulder.”

Iansmiledandeffortlesslyraisedhisrightarm.Hishandgentlycuppedmy

shoulder.IwasthankfulthatIwaswearinghissweatshirt,becausehistouchwas

doingcrazythingstome.

Itookabreathandsaid,“Otherhand,genius,”givinghimanexaggeratedeye

roll.

Hisnostrilsflaredandhiseyeswidenedattheeffort,buthecouldn’tmanage

togethisarmmuchhigherthanhiswaist.Hishandshookandheletoutagrunt

beforedroppinghisarm,swearingunderhisbreath.“Shit.”

“Iguesswehaveourworkcutoutforus,”Isaid.

“We?Iappeartobetheonlyonebreakingasweathere.”

“Yes.We.”Isteppedcloserandhelpedhimlifthishand,placingitonmy

shoulder.Hisarm,beingallmuscle,washeavierthanitlooked,andassoonasI

resteditonmyshoulder,hetookanotherstepcloserandtightenedhisgrip.

“AmIhurtingyou?”heasked.

“No,”Isaid.“Pushdown.”

Iwaitedbutfeltnothing,nopushfromhishand.Butwithhimsoclose,Ifelta

pushofadifferentnaturethatneededtobenippedinthebud.Andtherewasonly

onewayformetostopthisgrowingdesirebeforeitgottotallyoutofcontrol.

“How’sSara?”

Thirteen

I

AN

OfcourseIknewitwasabadideaforMacKenzietocomeoverandhelpoutwith

physicaltherapyatmyplace.I’manMMAfighter,notafuckingmoron.Still,Ifelt

likeoneforsuggestingit.

Ididn’tknowifshefeltthesamewayornot,butsheagreedtocomeover.

WhichwasgoodbecauseIwasn’treadytogobacktothegym.Ididn’tneedthe

guyswatchingmewhileIstruggledtoliftmyhandanyhigherthanmywaist.

ButIhadnocluehowtoactwithhernow.She’dletmeholdherinTy’scar

onthewaytotheER,anditseemedsoright,butthenassoonaswegottothe

hospital,shepulledawayandactedlikeitneverhappened.SotheonlywayI

couldfiguretodeal,wasthesamewayshewasdealingwithit.Ornotdealing

withit.

Shit,womenshouldcomewithmanuals.Shewasluckyshewassoamazing.

MacKenziecameoverwearingherusualgymclothes,includingmyfavorite

pairofshort-shorts—soshortIcouldseeacrescentofthenakedcurveofher

fabulousasswhenevershebentover.Ontopsheworealow-cuttankthathugged

thecurvesofherslenderwaistandclungtighttoherexceptionalbreasts.Her

nippleswereerect,whichmadeitimpossibletonotimaginehernaked.Itwas

goingtobeahardfuckingworkout.AtleastImanagedtogethertoputona

sweatshirt.

Evenasshejabbedatmeverbally,Icouldn’thelpnoticinghergentlenature

asshehelpedmeoutofmybrace.Andwhenshesteppedcloserandputmyhand

onhershoulder,hertinylittleframeinmyhugehandmademewanttosay,fuckit.

Justtakecontrolofthesituationandpullhertherestofthewaytome.God,I

wantedtokissher—anddoalotmoretoher—sofuckingbad.

“How’sSara?”sheasked.

Thewordsstartledme.Wherethefuckdidtheycomefrom?IthoughtI

detectedahintofasmirk.Fuck.Iturnedawayfromhertogivemyselfasecond.

Whywouldn’ttheSarathingjustdiealready?Iconsideredkeepingupthecharade

andtellingherwewerestilldating,butIjustwantedtobedonewiththewhole

mess.

“I’mnotsure,tobehonest,”Isaidandadded,“Thatwasourfirstandlast

date,”hopingthatwouldputanendtothewholetopic.

ButthehintofasmirkresurfacedonMacKenzie’sface.Doublefuckingshit.

Herewego…jokesaboutone-nightstands,maybe?

“SoIguesspornstarsaregoodenoughtohaveasfriends,andgoodforone-

nightstands,butnotdatingmaterial?”

Triplefuckingshit.HowdidsheknowaboutSara’sadultfilmwork?Of

courseshedid.ShewasMacKenzie.IbetshewatchedCade’sfilms.

Herfacewassosmug,Iwantedtokissthatsmirkrightoffherface.Because

evenwhenshewasbeingalittlebrat,itstillallcamebacktothat.Iimagined

nibblingonherpoutylowerlipasIconsideredhowmuchmoreIwantedherto

know.Ifinfacttherewasanythingleftshedidn’tknow.God,Ihopedshedidn’t

knowIpaidSara.ButCadewouldneverbetraymelikethat.

“Wedidn’tsleeptogether,”Isaid.

Hersmilefadedandhereyeswidened.“So,it’struethen?”

Mybreathingstopped.ShedidknowIpaidforSaratoaccompanyme.I

wouldbekickingCade’sassthenexttimeIsawhim.

“What’strue?”Iaskedcautiously.Imighthavepaidforanightwithaporn

star,butIwasn’tgoingtoadmittoitthateasily.

“Thatyoudon’thavesexbeforeabigfight.”Herlookwassoinnocentand

hopeful,yetitstilltookmeasecondtofigureoutwhyshewasaskingthis.

“Yes,”Ifinallyanswered.Hercutelittleframeseemedtorelaxalittle,

makingmefeel—onceagain—likeatotaldick.Shedidn’tknowIpaidSara;she

wastalkingaboutsomethingcompletelydifferent,aboutthenightwealmost

hookedup.ThenightItoldherIcouldn’tbecauseIhadafightthenextday.

Shechewedattheinsideofhercheekamoment,maybeconsideringwhatI’d

justsaid.Shit,thatmeantshethoughtI’djustmadethatuptogetridofher.Not

fuckinglikely.PuttingthebrakesonthatnighthadbeenthehardestthingI’dever

done.

“So,”shesaidasshelookedupatmeinnocentlythroughhereyelashes.

“Whatdoesthatdo?Forafighter,Imean.”

Ichuckled.“Youmeanbesidesfrustratethehelloutofus?”

Shesmiled—thankfuckinggoodness—thennoddedformetocontinue.

“Youknowthatstereotypethatmostguysareboneheadedcavedwellers

drivenbyinstinct?”

“Isitconsideredastereotypeifit’strue?”shesaid,thengiggled.

God,shehadagreatlaugh.

Inodded.“That’swhatIwasgettingat.Onsomeverybasiclevel,wefightin

ordertosurviveandprocreate.”

Shescruncheduphernose,makingherlooksupercute.“Butwouldn’tyou

fightbetterthen?Ifyouhavesex,thenyouhavesomeonetofightfor,right?”

Herhandwentuptomine,whichwasstillrestingonhershoulder.She

absentmindedlyplayedwithmyfingersuntilshenoticedIwaswatchingher,and

realizedwhatshe’dbeendoing.Sheletherhanddrop.

Ishookmyhead.“Wefighttoprocreate.Oncewe’vehadsex,we’vedonethe

jobandhavenoreasontofight.”

“Hmm.”Shenodded.“SoIguessnowthatyouaren’tfightingforawhile,

you’refreetotakecareofbusiness.”Hergazedrifteddownmybody.

Mydickscreamedatmetopullherclose.Shewasstatingtheobvious,butit

feltlikeshewassuggestingmore.Isawthehungerinhereyes.

Fuck.Didsheknowwhatshewasdoingtome?IfIthoughtIwasanyounce

ofgoodenoughforher,I’dshowherhowItakecareofbusiness.

Itookadeepbreath.TherewasnowayIcouldbereadingherright;afterall,

shewasdatingChris.Ineededtobackoff.

“Yeah,”Isaid.“Withmyarmallmessedup,I’mnotplanninganybig

rendezvousanytimesoon.”

MacKenzietookadeepbreath.“Right,solet’sstartonyourstretches.”

Fourteen

M

AC

K

ENZIE

ThedealwasthatIwouldspendtwohoursadaytwiceaweekwithIan,working

onhisphysicaltherapyexercisesandstretches.Andapparentlythatwasallhe

wantedtoworkon.

Icouldn’tbelieveI’dflat-outaskedhimwhyhedidn’thavesexbeforea

fight.Somuchforbeing“professional.”Ihatedwhathappenedafterthat,though.

I’dbasicallybaitedhimbyremindinghimhedidn’thaveanupcomingfight,and

hestillwouldn’tgonearme.

Sothatwasit.Iwasdonethrowingmyselfathim.Infact,ifIwasn’tbehind

inrent,Imighthaveevenquit.ButIstillneededthejob,soIwouldmakethebest

ofit.

ThenewguyChrisbroughtintotrainwithIanarrivedatthegymthenext

morning.Evidentlyhedidn’tgetthememothatIanwastemporarilybenched.The

newguy’snamewasJonah,whichmademelaugh,becauseheseriouslywasthe

sizeofafreakingwhale.Hekepthimselfbusybycoachingtheotherguysatthe

gymonwhattheycalled“groundandpound,”whichalsomademelaugh.Whoin

theworldthoughtthatwasagoodfightingterm?

Jonahdidn’tbothertakingiteasyontheguys,whichkeptmebusy.Iwas

workingononeofhislatestvictimswhenChriscalledmeintohisoffice.Iputa

Band-Aidonaguy’schin,whichhadalreadystoppedbleeding,thenassuredhim

thathedidn’tneedstitchesbeforefollowingChristoseewhatheneeded.

“What’sup,boss?”Iaskedashetookaseatathisdesk.Isatdownonthe

couchacrossfromhim.He’dsurprisedmebyactuallymanagingtokeepitall

businessatwork.Maybenotallguyswerecavemen.

“Ijustwantedtocheckhowthingsweregoingwithyou.”

“Fine,”Isaid.“Jonah’skeepingmebusy.”

Helaughed,thenleanedforward,foldinghisarmsonhisdesk.“Howare

thingswithIan?Thelittletwerphasbeenrefusingtogotothedoctortogeta

checkup,sowhilehe’soutofthegym,you’remyonlysource.”Hewinked.

ThefactthatIanwasrefusingtogotothedoctorwasnewstome.Iwould

havetogetonhimforthat.We’donlyjuststartedworkingtogetherone-on-one.

“He’sdoingokay,”Isaid.“Iwouldliketoseehimimprovealittlefaster,but

he’llgetthere.”Ihope.

Chrisnodded.“Good.Idon’twanttoseehimmissoutonhisfirstbigfight.”

Heleanedbackinhischairandopenedadrawer,pullingoutanenvelope.“I

knowthisisearly,butIwaswritingoutthepayrollcheckstoday,soIfiguredI

mightaswellgivethistoyounow.”

“Thankyou.”Ireachedoutandtooktheenvelope.Hehadnoideahowclose

I’dbeentoaskingforanadvanceonmypaycheck.Thiswouldbejustenoughto

getmyrentup-to-date.ThankGod.

Hepushedupfromthedeskandsaunteredovertothecouch,takingaseat

nexttome.“So,MacKenzie,canwepretendwearen’tatworklongenoughforme

toaskyoutodinnertonight?”Hetookmyhandinhisandwovehisfingersthrough

mine.

Chriswassweetsometimes.Ihadbeenwarminguptohim,butstillwantedto

takeitslow.Heseemedeagertomoveforwardtothenextlevel,whateverthat

was,butIwasn’treadyyet.ThankGodhe’dbeenpatientwithme.

“Ihavegirls’nighttonight,remember?”

Hegavemeabigsmile.“Ido,butIwashopingitwascanceledorsomething.

Aguycandream,right?”Hekissedthebackofmyhand.“We’restillonfor

Fridaynight,though,aren’twe?”

“Yeah.”He’dbeguntorefertoFridayasour“datenight,”aphrasethatfor

somereasonhadmystomachtwistinginknots.ButItriednottothinkaboutit.

Fifteen

I

AN

Thefirstone-on-onesessionwithMacKenziehadnearlykilledme.Notbecause

ofthepain—Icouldhandlethat—buthavingherbouncearoundmeinthatlow-cut

tanktopwastorture.IhadtouseeverytrickIknewtokeepmydickfromgiving

heraconstantpersonalsalute.

Idecidedtodaywouldbedifferent,whichwaswhyItookanextra-long

showerbeforeournextappointment,soapingmyselfuptotakecareofbusiness.I

wouldnevermakeitthroughanothersessionwithherwithoutarelease.

AllIhadtodowasthinkofher—herroundass,herheavytits,orherlong,

slenderlegs—andIgothard.Itwasalwaysher.I’dtriedthinkingaboutother

women,butIalwayscamebacktoMacKenzie.

Wehadn’tgoneveryfarthatnightshestillhatedmefor,butIhadn’tforgotten

thesweettasteofhersoftmouth.IimaginedherlipssuckingmycockasIstroked

it,herskillfultongueandlipsmassagingmyshaft.ItwashardlyanytimebeforeI

wasbroughttotheedge.

AsIcame,IimaginedallthewaysIwantedher—ridingmeonthebenchin

mygym,againstthewalljustoutofsightofthewindow,orfinishingwhatwe

startedinthebackofmycar.Mostofall,Iwantedtohaveherinmybed.I

imaginedthrustingintoherhot,wetcuntwithhertightlittleassintheair,andI

camesofuckinghard.

•••

Downstairsinthegym,MacKenziehelpedmethrougheachoftheexercises.This

timeIcouldactuallyconcentrateonthedifferentstretchesandmovements—for

themostpart.

“Here,letmeshowyouagain,”shesaid.

Wewereonmyfinalroundofreps,andshewasstillamazinglypatientasshe

showedmethesameexerciseforthemillionthtime.Shetookthestretchband

frommygraspandsteppedbetweenmeandthewall.

I’dgottenridofmyshirtbecauseitwasrestrictingmymovements,andnow

herwarmshoulderbladesandthetickleofherhairbrushedagainstmybarechest.

Sheliftedmyhand,puttingitonhershouldersoIcouldfeelwhichmusclesshe

wasworking.

“Pullbacklikethis,see,and—”Hervoicecutoff.

ThatwaswhenIrealizedI’dbeenholdingherbodytomine,myhandsplayed

acrossherabdomeninapossessivegesture.Ilookeddown,wonderingifshe

wouldlookupatmewithherbeautifuleyesfullofwantorconfusion,butsheonly

stoodtheresilently,neitherleaningintomenorpullingaway.

“Sorry,”Igrunted.Ichanneledeveryounceofself-restraintIhadand

releasedher,takingonestepback.

Shetookadeepbreathandbeganagain,almostasifnothinghadhappened.

“Justpullbacklikethis,engagingthismusclehere.”

Withoutlookingatme,sheplacedherfreehandovermineonhershoulder.

Damn,hertouchwassogentle.Shemovedmyhandoverthesoftskinofher

shoulderuntilshefoundthemuscleshewastalkingabout.Shewasstrong,evenas

smallasshewas.

Ifocusedonthemovementasshepulledthebandtight,andthenreleased.

Thenitwasmyturnagain.Imimickedhermovementsthroughthelastroundof

reps,andshestartedpackinguptoleave.

“Wheredidyoupark?”Iasked.“Iforgottotellyou,youcanusethegarage

whenyou’rehere.Ihaveaguestpass.”

Sheshookherhead.“That’sokay,Iridethebus.Idon’townacar.”

“Oh.”Iwasdumbfounded.HowhadInotknownthat?“I’lldriveyouhome

then.”Ipulledmyshirtbackonandgrabbedmykeys.TherewasnowayIwas

goingtolethertakethebushome.

“No,it’sfine.Itakethebusallthetime,”shesaid.

“Notanymore,youdon’t.”

Shesmiledcoyly.“Areyouvolunteeringtobemypersonalchauffeur?”

“No,butyouleaveherelateenoughthatsomeoftheweirdoshavealready

startedtocomeout.TheleastIcandoisgiveyouaridehome.”

Shedidn’tsayanythingatfirst,runningherhandthroughherhair.“Fine.”

Shesoundedalmostlikeitwaspainfultoaccepthelpfromme.Ididn’tknow

ifshewasthatwaywitheveryone,orifIshouldtakeitpersonally.Butitdidn’t

matter,becauseIwouldbedrivingherhome.

MacKenziedidn’ttalkmuchonthewaytoherplaceotherthantogiveme

directions,whichleftmetowonderifshewasupsetaboutmepressingupagainst

her.

Aswedrove,IbecameawarethatKenziewasdirectingmetowardoneofthe

worstpartsoftown.Atfirst,Iwashopefulthatwewerejustpassingthrough,but

ateveryturn,wedrovefartherandfartherin,untilfinallysheaskedmetostopin

frontofabuildingIwouldn’thaveguessedwashersinamillionyears.Itmight

havepassedbuildinginspections,havingallitswindowsandsuch,butthatwas

aboutallIcouldsayfortheplace.Itwasoneofthoseblockapartmentbuildings

fromtheseventies.Allthewindowswerefilthyandhadcheaptwisted-upblinds.

Theworstpart,though,wastheneighborhood.Icountedseveraldealersand

hookersonourridehere,andthesunwasn’tevendownyet.

“Thanks,”MacKenziesaidandhoppedoutofthecar.

“Hangon,I’llwalkyouup.”Ifollowedher,mypulsekickinglikeafucking

mule.ItwouldtakeeveryounceofstrengthIhadtoleaveherinthisplace.I

wouldmakedamnsurethelocksweresecuredbeforeIlefther.

“It’snobigdeal.”

“I’dfeelbetterknowingIgotyouallthewayinsidesafely.”Understatement

ofthegoddamnyear.

SheshruggedandrolledhereyesatmeasifIwasgoingoverboard,butshe

letmefollowherinside.

“Doyouknowanyself-defensemoves?”IaskedasIfollowedherupthe

steps.

“Thanksalot.”Shelaughed.“Myneighborhoodisn’tthatbad.”

“So,that’sano?”

Sheshruggedagain.“Thebuilding’ssecure.”

“WhatifIteachyousomemoves,youknow,justincase?”Ormoveyouinto

asaferapartment,Iaddedsilently.

MacKenziestoppedonthesteps,considering,butthencontinued.“It’sokay,

youdon’thavetodothat.I’mfine.I’vebeentakingcareofmyselfforyears.”

Damnit,whydidshehavetobesoindependentandself-reliantallthetime?

“Fine,”Isaid.Butthiswasn’tover.MaybeIcouldworkwithChristogether

araisesoshedidn’thavetolivehere.IfIhadtopaythedifferencemyself,sobe

it.Itwouldbeworthittobeabletosleepatnightandnotworryabouther.

Shestoppedinfrontofherdoorandturnedtome.“Thanks.Again.IthinkI’ve

gotitfromhere.”

Butsomethingwasoff.“Hangon,”Isaid,holdingherthere.“Iheardyelling.”

Shegiggled.“It’sjustthekidsonthestreet,calmdown.”

Butthenweheardmoreyelling.Itwascomingfromherneighbor’sapartment,

justnextdoor.IpushedMacKenziebehindmeastheshoutsgrewlouder.Glass

shattered,anditsoundedlikesomeonewasthrowingpotsandpans.

“Soni,”MacKenzieshrieked,andIfelthersmallhandsclingtothebackof

myshirt.

Thedoorburstopenandateenageboyrushedoutoftheapartmentwitha

wildlookinhiseyes.IpushedMacKenziefartherback,holdingoutmygoodarm

incasehewantedtoattack.Hiseyeswerewildasheglancedaroundforaway

out,butwewereinhispath.

Fuck,Iwasgoingtohavetotakehimdown.

“No,Ian!”MacKenziecriedaftermeasIwenttomeethimhead-on.

“Callthepolice,”IgrowledasIgrabbedthekid’shand,twistingit.He

flippedimmediately,asIknewhewould,buthehadtobetweakingonsomething,

becausehemanagedtobouncetohisfeetandpullhimselffree.“Shit,”Igrumbled.

Iwentathimagain,firstkickinghiminthesidetodestabilizehim,then

bringinghimdownagain.ThistimeIheldhimaroundthenecksothathisairflow

wascutoff.Still,hecontinuedtokickaroundfranticallylikeafishoutofwater.

“Calmthefuckdown,”Isaid,liftinghimupandslamminghisbuttonthe

groundforemphasis.Hewouldn’tgethurtifhewouldjuststopresisting.

“Thepoliceareontheirway,”MacKenziesaidasshetuckedherphoneback

intoherbag.

Theguywouldn’tgiveup,soItwistedhisarmback,forcinghimontohis

stomach,andsatonhim.

WhenMacKenziesawIhadthekidimmobilized,shedartedpastusintoher

neighbor’splace.

Shit.“Youbetterbealone,”Igrowledatthelittleshitwho’dbecomemynew

chair.“Areyoualone?”Icouldholdthisguybackwithonlyonearm,butifthere

weremoreofthem,wewereintrouble.

“Justme,”hemanagedtowheezeout.“Pleaseletmego.Ipromise,you’ll

neverseemeagain.”

Iignoredhim,lettingthestupidkidwhine,whichhecontinuedtodolikea

fuckingpussy.

AsIwaitedforthepolice,IstartedtoworryaboutMacKenzie.Therewere

nonoisescomingfromtheapartmentatall,whichworriedtheshitoutofme.I

wasabouttoleavethekidonthegroundandgoinafterherwhenthepolice

finallyshowedup,andIwasabletoruninandcheckonher.

Sixteen

M

AC

K

ENZIE

AtfirstwhenIansaidhewantedtogivemeself-defenselessons,Ithoughthewas

kidding.Ishouldhaveknownhewouldn’tjokeaboutthatkindofthing.Evenafter

whathappenedtheothernight,Imaintainedthatmyneighborhoodwasn’tthatbad.

ThekidIantackledwasSoni’sgrandson.Hecameoverandaskedherformoney

everyonceinawhile.Admittedly,thatnighthewasworsethanusual,butIstill

knewhowtocall911.

Unfortunately,thatwasn’tenoughforIan.Asfarashewasconcerned,the

situationonlyillustratedhispoint.WhichwaswhyIwasinIan’spersonalgym,

abouttogetmyfirstlessoninself-defense.That,andItoldhimI’ddoitifhe

agreedtogobacktothedoctorforhistwo-weekcheckup.

“So,”Isaid.“Whatdoyouthinkyoucanteachmewithonlyonearm?”

“YousawwhatIdidtothatkidinyourbuildingtheothernight,right?”His

lipstuggedupinaplayfulsmirk.

AsmuchasIdidn’twanttobeaffectedbyIan,Ilovedthissideofhim.His

protectivenaturemademybellyclench.Andcoupledwithhisconfidenceandthat

sparkofboyishcharm?Imightaswellhandovermypantiesnow.

“OrdoIneedtoshowyouagain?”Hesteppedforwardquickly,andI

instinctivelyheldmyhandsup,turningtorun.“Good.”Hestopped.

“Good,what?”Iturnedbacktohim.

“Thatwasyourfirstlesson.Anysituationwhereyoufeelyou’reindanger,if

youcan,run.”

“Okay.”ThatIknewhowtodo.Anditseemedprettyobvious.

“Lessonnumbertwo.Ifyoucan’trun,gofortheeyes.”

“Iknowthatone,”Isaid.“Becausethey’realwaysguardingtheirfamily

jewelsfirst,andwon’texpectthat.”

“Right.Ithoughtyousaidyoudidn’tknowanyself-defense.”

Ishrugged.“Thisisalljustcommonstreetknowledge.Earsandnoseare

goodtargetstoo.Ifyouwanttoteachmesomethingnew,teachmehowtobreak

outofaholdordisableanattacker.”

“Okay,sure.Lessonnumberthree.Howtobreakoutofahold.”Hestepped

forwardandhiscooleyesonminefeltalmostpredatory,butIdidn’tstepback,

holdingmyground.Heslidhisarmaroundmywaist.

Iputmyhandsuponhischest,pushinghimback.“Wait.Maybeweshould

holdoffontheseclassesuntilyourshoulder’shealed.Idon’twanttomakeit

worse.”

Iandidn’tanswer,insteadsweepingmyfeetoutfromunderme.Helayme

downonthematandcoveredme,hoveringinchesabovemebetweenmylegs.My

heartracedfromthethrillofbeingthrowndownsoeffortlesslyandyetsogently.

Hislipsturnedupintoasmuggrin.“Don’tworry.I’vegotitundercontrol.”

MyGod,ifhecoulddoallthatwithjustonearm,whatwoulditbeliketo

workwithhimatfullstrength?Thethoughtarousedme,makingmeevenmore

awareofhowclosehewastomycenter.Allhehadtodowasletgravitytakehis

bodydown,andIwouldfeelhimbetweenmylegs.Asitwas,mybodyachedto

riseupandpressagainsthis,justinchesaway.

“Whatnow?”Iasked,myvoicecomingoutsofterthanI’dintended.

Hisjawclenchedandhewaitedamoment,juststaringatme.IfIdidn’tknow

better,Iwouldhavethoughthewasabouttokissme.

Iscannedhisface,notinghischinwasroughwithstubble,whichIimagined

wouldfeelroughagainstmycheeks.LyingtherewithIanbetweenmylegs,Iwas

soflusteredIalmostpulledhimtomerightthen.

“Trytogetup,”hesaid.

Ilaughed.PretendingforamomentthatIactuallywantedtogetupfrommy

currentposition,therewasnowayinhellIwouldbeabletooverpowerIan.

“Justtry.”

SoIdid,halfheartedlyatfirst,butonceIreallystartedgettingintoit,I

managedtotwistmyselfaroundsothatIwasonmystomach.Hewasstillontop

ofmeandstillhadmylegsspread,onlynowhewaspressinghisbodyagainst

mineasItriedtoresist.Iwiggledmyassagainsthispelvisandheardhimrelease

agrunt.MypulsekickedupanotchasIshudderedatthatsensualsoundcoming

fromhim.

Itwistedaroundagain.Nomatterhowcarefulhewastokeepourgroinareas

apart,myattemptstofreemyselfhadmeconstantlyrubbingupagainsthimina

waythatshouldhavefeltwrong,butfeltsoveryright.Atonepoint,hisleg

pressedfirmlyagainstmypubicbone,andthethrobbingwasimmediateand

delicious.Ipushedmyselfintohimwithouteventhinking,justwantingsome

release.Imusthavestoppedstrugglingbecauseherelaxedhisgrip,andaftera

beat,pulledhislegaway.

“Whatthefuck,Kenzie?”Hiseyesfoundmine.Herolledoffme,lookinga

littlewinded.

“What?”

“You’renoteventrying.”

Thankfulthathedidn’tchastisemeforseekingfrictionagainsthim,Ikept

quiet.Weweresilentforafewtenseseconds,andIwonderedifhecouldhearthe

dullroarofmypulsethrumminginmyneck,orseethedesirethathadtobe

writtenallovermyflushedface.

“Youtaketheoffensivepose,andI’llshowyousomewaystogetoutofa

holdlikethat.”

Inodded,thankfulthetensemomenthadpassed.NowIjustneededtofinda

waytosurvivetheremainderoftheselessonswithoutdryhumpinghisleg.

Seventeen

M

AC

K

ENZIE

AlexagrabbedmydrinksothatIcouldcarrytheshotsbacktoourtablewhereTy,

thedutifuldesignateddriver,wassippingasoda.I’dalreadyhadafewdrinks,so

walkingwasbecomingabitofanadventure.

“Idon’tunderstandwhyyoumadeuscomehere,”Alexasaid.“Usuallygirls’

nightisaquietbarthesedays.Arewecelebratingsomething?”

Ishookmyhead.“Can’tagirljustwanttogooutdancingwithherfriends

everyonceinawhile?Weusedtocomehereallthetime.Whendidnightclubs

becomecriminalactivitywarrantingthethirddegree?”

Sherolledhereyesatme,andwescootedbackintoourseats.

“Areyouguysreadytoleaveyet?”Tyaskedwhenwesatdown.

Ilaughed.“Whendidyouguysgetsoold?Wejustgothere.Atleastletmeget

agoodbuzzandadancein.”IpushedoneofthekamikazesinfrontofAlexa,and

wetoasted.“Togirls’night.”Idownedmineandchaseditwithbeer.

“I’mjustsaying,”Tysaid.“WecouldhaveatleastgonetotheRainbow

Room.”

“Wewenttherelastmonth,”Iremindedhim.“Besides,it’saloteasierforme

topickupstraightmen.”Islappedmyhandovermymouth,butitcouldn’tputthe

wordsbackin.

Alexa’seyesgotwideandTy’sjawdropped.

“What?”Isaid.“It’sbeenawhile.Ijustwanttogetlaid.”Itwasmystandard

stockanswer,butforsomereasontonightitdidn’tfeelright.

“Don’tyouhaveaboyfriend?”Tyasked.

“Idon’tknow.”Ishrugged.“ChrisandIhaven’tslepttogetheryet,it’snot

official.”

Typuthishandupasiftostopme.“Isn’tthatpartofthereasonyouhavea

boyfriend?That’soneofthebenefits,right?Thatyouhaveawarm,willingbody

whenyouneedit?”

Iknewtheywouldn’tunderstand,whichwaswhyIhadn’tplannedontelling

themIwantedtogetlaidtonight.Hell,Iwassoconfused,Ihardlyunderstood

myself.AsIsatthere,undertheirwatchful,worriedstares,itstruckmethatthisis

exactlywhattheoldmewouldhavedone.Iwasfeelingsorryformyself,and

wheneverthathappened,IthrewmyselfatthefirstcutemanIsaw,drinkingand

dancing,andmaybemoretotryandmakemyselffeelbetter.Butadozenyearsof

thesamebrokencycleshouldhavetaughtmethatitneveractuallyworksthatway.

IanandIhadgoneoverself-defensescenariosallafternoon.Itturnedouthe

wasareallygoodteacher,andbytheendoftheday,Icouldgetoutfromunder

himwithouttoomucheffort.Butinthecourseofmylesson,he’dspentenough

timebetweenmylegsthatIreallyneededarelease.ButIcouldn’tgotoChrisfor

that.Becauseoncewecrossedthatbridge,therewasnogoingback.

“So,what’sgoingonwithyouandChris?”Alexaasked,pullingmefrommy

thoughts.

“I’mnotsurewe’rereadytogotothenextlevelyet,”Isaid.

Alexaleanedforward.“Youmean,youaren’tready.Iseriouslydoubthehas

anyinhibitions.”

Ishruggedandtookaswigofmybeer.Thelastshotwashittingmeharder

thantheothers,andthingswerestartingtospinalittle.Crap.

“Ididn’twanttosayanything,”Alexasaid.“BecauseIwassogladyouwere

finallydatingsomeone,butareyoubeingfairtoChris?Afterall,youobviously

like…”Shepaused.“Well,youdon’tseemtolikeChristhatmuch.And…”She

putherfistdownonthetable.“Fuckit,I’llsayit.YoustilllikeIan.Youdon’t

havetodateIan,butit’snotfairthatyouleadChrisaroundwhenyoulike

someoneelse.”

Iflinched.Alexahadneverbarkedlikethatatmebefore.

Ipushedmyselfuptomyfeetandsaid,“Youdon’tknowanything.”Thenthe

roomspun,andIfellbackintomychair.“Shit.Ican’tdateIananyway.Hedoesn’t

wantme.ButIlikeChris.Wekiss.”

ChrisandIhadkissedafewtimessincewestarteddating,yetIstillwasn’t

sureIevenwantedtobedatinghim.Onethingwasforsure—Alexa’snagging

wasn’thelpingmefigureitout.

Tyreachedacrossthetableandputhishandonmine.“She’sright,you

know.”Heleanedin.“Iwasatthelastfight.IsawhowyouwerewithChris.He

jumpedintosaveyoufromthatguywhowasbuggingyou,andyoubarelysaid

thankyoutohimbeforeyouranbacktositnexttome,andyoureyeswereonIan

theentiretime.”

“So?WasIsupposedtobeall,‘Oh,myhero!’?I’mnotlikethat.Icantake

careofmyself.”

Ty’seyeswidened.“Areyoulisteningtoyourselfrightnow?Youaresofull

ofshit.Thatwholeevening,youhadbeentellingmehowyoulikedtopretendthe

fighterswerefightingforyourhonor.”Heliftedhishandasiftowavemeoff.

Irespondedbywavinghimofftoo,butdidn’tsayaword.Damn,Ihadtobe

drunk.UsuallyIhadacomebackforthiskindofstuff.

“Whatever,MacKenzie.Andthentherewasthewayyoukeptonflyingtothe

cageanytimeIanwashit.”

“That’smyjob,”Isaid.God,whatthehellwasthis,anintervention?

“WhatabouttheridetotheER?Whatwasthatinthebackofmycar?Isaw

himholdingyou.Damn,y’allarebothidiots.”

Theymightberight,IdidlikeIan,butsowhat,hewouldneverbemine,andI

stillthoughtIcouldmakethingsworkwithChris.Maybe.“Canwepleasetalk

aboutsomethingelse?”Isaid,flaggingdownawaitressandorderinganother

roundofshots.

TyandAlexasharedalook,thenrelaxedalittle,leaningbackintheirseats.I

breathedasighofrelief,knowingthattheirpryingwasover,fornowanyway.

Iabandonedanythoughtsofgettinglaid,realizingthatwasn’twhatIwanted

orneeded.AsforwhatIdidwant,Ihadnoidea,soItriednottothinkaboutit,

insteadthrowingbackafewmoreshotsthanIshouldhave,forcingustoleave

beforetheclubevengotbusy.

OnthewayhomeIpassedoutinthebackseat.

WhenIwokeup,wewereparkinginfrontofAlexa’shouse.SheandTy

helpedmeinsideandsetmeonthesofa.

“Alexa,I’mreallysorryabouttonight.Youguysareright,Ianistotally

flippingawesome.He’shot,right?Buthe’salsososweet.Didyouknowhe’s

teachingmeself-defense?”

Alexasmiled.“Getsomerest.”Shepulledablanketupoverme,andIwas

outagain.

Eighteen

I

AN

Itfeltgoodtobebackatthegym.Chris’sgym,thatis.Iwasonlytheretotalk

businesswithChris,stilldoingallmytrainingatthehomegym,butIwasgoing

stircrazy,anditwasgreattoseetheguysagain.

“Hey,gimpy,”ChrissaidtogreetmewhenIwalkedintohisoffice.

“Hey,douche-roll.”Isatdownonthecouch.“Iseeyou’restillrunningthis

placeintotheshitter.”

“Youdidn’tseethenewtalentwhenyoucamein?”heasked.

Iassumedhewastalkingabouttheguywhowasmakingmeatloafoutofone

oftheguysinthepracticecage.“Wheredidyoufindhim?”

“That’sJonah.He’stheguyIbroughtintotrainwithyou.”

“Yeah,uh,Idon’tknowifyounoticed,butIcan’treallyfightrightnow.”I

pointedatthearmstrappedtomychestinabrace.

“Hewaslookingforanewgymandexcitedaboutmovingtothecity,soItold

himtocomeanyway.He’sintegratedintothefamilyquitewell.”

“Whatishe,welterweight?”Iasked.

Chrisshookhishead.“Nope,he’smiddleweight,justlikeyou.He’salready

hadseveralprofights.Youneedtohurryupandgetyourselfbacktogethersoyou

cantryhimout.”

“We’reworkingonit.”Ilookedoutthroughtheone-wayglasstothegym’s

treadmill.Itwasempty.

“Shedoesn’tworktoday.”

“Huh?”Iturnedbacktohim.“Yeah,Iknow.Howarethingsgoingwithyou

two?”Ihadn’tmeanttoask,butwhenitcametoMacKenzie,Icouldn’thelp

myself.Ihadtoknow.

Henodded.“Allgood.I’mthinkingaboutaskinghertocomewithustoVegas

forthefight.Obviouslyitwouldbegoodtohavehertheretohelpyouwithyour

last-minutetraining,butIalsothoughtitwouldbenicetostayafterwithherand

doalongweekend.”

Fuck.ThatwaswhatIgotforasking.NowIcouldn’tfindmystupidwords.

Andtomakeitworse,Ithinkmymouthmighthavebeenhangingopen.

“What?Youthinkit’stoosoon?”

Ishrugged,thenshookmyhead.“Idon’tknow,dude.I’mnotdatingher,you

are.Haveyouaskedheryet?”

“No,IwashopingtoaskherthisFriday.Ihaveabigdateplanned,andI

thoughtthatwouldbethebigrevealattheend.”

Ihatedthisconversation.IknewIneededtostayoutofMacKenzie’slove

life,butthatdidn’tmeanIwantedtohearaboutotherpeopleenjoyingher.

Thankfullymyphonebuzzed.Idugitoutofmypocket.ItwasSophia.

“Hey,Sis.Wherethehellhaveyoubeen?”IgotupandmotionedtoChristhat

Ihadtotakethecall,andsteppedoutoftheoffice.

“Hi,Ian.”Hervoicesoundedoverlycasual.“I’vebeenbusy.SorryIhaven’t

calledyouback.Look,Ineedalittlehelp…doyouthinkyoucouldloanmesome

money?”

Isighed.Sophiawaslousywithmoney.Webothgotthesamemonthlyamount

fromourtrustfunds,butshealwaysmanagedtoburnthroughhersinthefirstthree

weeks.We’djustgottenourmoneyforthemonthlastweek,though.Thiswasearly

forher.

“DidyouaskMomandDad?”Iasked,knowingfullwellthatshehadn’t.

Theyweretryingtoteachherfiscalresponsibility,whichmeanttheyrefusedto

giveheranymorethanhernormalmonthlyamount.

“YouknowIcan’t,”shesaid.“Comeon,justalittletohelpmethroughto

nextmonth?”

“That’swhatyoualwayssay,Sophia.Besides,don’tyoustillowemelike

twograndfromlastmonth?”Itwastrue,butIdidn’treallycare.Iwasjust

messingwithher.

“Ian,”shewhined.

Damn,Ihatedwhenshewhined.“Fine.I’llloanyouthemoney.Whendoyou

needit?”

“Isnowabadtime?”

IlookedbackthroughthedoortoChris’sofficewherehesatwaitingforme

tofinishthecall.IfIleftnow,Iwouldn’thavetohearhimtalkingabout

MacKenzieanymore.

“I’llbeoverinfive.”Ihungupandpoppedbackintotheoffice.“Chris,I

havetorun.Mysister’sinoneofherfinancialholes,andIneedtogodigherout.”

Chrislaughed.“Sure.Wecantalkabouttheplaneticketsandstufflater.Call

me.”

Thegymwasn’ttoofarfrommyplace,whichwasonthewaytoSophia’s.I

stoppedoffandgrabbedmycheckbook,whichreadlikethestoryofhowoften

Sophiahadtobebailedout.NotthatIcared.Ihadenoughtogoaround,butithad

beengettingnoticeablyworselately.

IflippedthroughmycheckbookasIrodetheelevatoruptoherplace.Shit.

Maybeourparentswererighttocutheroff.Ofcourse,thatwaseasyforthemto

dosincetheywereoffsailingintheMediterranean.Callitbig-brotherobligation,

butIfoundithardertojustturnmycheekwhensheneededme.

WhenIgottothedoor,ittookheroveraminutetoanswer.Iwasbeginningto

wonderifIneededtogohomeandgrabmysparekeytoherplace,butshefinally

openedupandsteppedoutintothehallway,barringmefromcomingin.

“Sorry,theplaceisamess,”shesaid.“Idon’twantanyonetoseeit.”

“Whatever.”Ishrugged.ThiswasdefinitelythelastcheckIgaveher.Fora

while,anyway.“Howmuchdoyouneed?”

“Five,”shesaid.

“Ihopeyoumeanfivehundred,becauseifyouneedfivethousand,you’re

goingtohavetogotoabank.Ican’tkeepongivingyouhugechunksofmoney.”

“Thisisthelasttime,Ipromise.IjusthadcartroubleandIdon’thaveenough

roomonmycard,so…”

Iswear,shealwayshadcartrouble.Forafancyforeigncar,itwasinthe

shopanawfullot.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dactuallyseenherdriving

it.

Iopenedthecheckbookandstartedwriting.“Thisisthelastone,Sophia.”

“Yeah,youalreadysaidthat.”

“Imeanit,though.You’resweetandsmartandagreatsister,butyouarealso

thestupidestpersonIknowwhenitcomestomoney.”Isignedthecheckand

handedittoher.

“Fine,whatever,”shesaidasshetookthecheck.“Isthelecturedone?

BecauseIhaveadate.”

“Thelectureisdone.Isyourdatepayingtonight,oramI?”Ismiledather.

Shemightbealittlesnot,butshewasalsomysister.Itwashardtostaymadat

her.

“Heis,ofcourse.NowletmegosoIcangetready.”

Nineteen

I

AN

OneofthebestthingsaboutbeinginjuredwasthatIcoulddrinkagain.Sure,Iwas

workingout,butmyarmneededtogetalittlebetterbeforeIcouldgobackinto

fulltrainingmode.Sotraining-moderulesdidn’tapply.

SinceIcouldn’tsparwithCade,wehadtakentogoingtothebaronFridays

instead.ThisFridaywewereoutatBuddie’s,adiveoverinhispartoftown.

Theyhadagreatselectionofmicrobrews,andwewereworkingontryingoutas

manyaswecouldandstillstand.

Ourwaitresscameovertotheboothanddroppedoffroundnumberfour,

smilingatusbeforemakingherwaybacktothebar.Itwasaslownightat

Buddie’s.

Assoonassheleft,thelookonCade’sfacechanged.I’dseensomethingin

hisexpressionearlier.Itwasthatlookhegotwhenhewantedtohaveoneofhis

pussy-ass“girltalks”;thatwaswhatIcalleditwhenhewantedtogetall

emotionalwithme.Thelookmeanthehadsomethingonhismind,andwhenwe

weredrunkenough,we’dhashitout.

Ipoundedhalfmypintofbeerandbracedmyself.“Outwithit,Cade.”

Hetookanotherpullfromhisbeer,takinghistimewithit,thenfinallyputthe

glassdownonthetable.“What’sgoingonwithyouandMacKenzie?”

“Fuck,dude.”Ilookedaroundthehalf-emptybar,hopingtofindaneasyway

togetoutofhavingthisconversation.“Nothing.”

“That’sbullshitandyouknowit.”

“Fuckthat.Ihaven’tsleptwithher.Hell,Ihaven’tevenkissedhersincethat

night.”

Iwasgettingworkedup.CadehadbeentheonetowarnmethatKenziehada

toughupbringing,growingupinfostercare,andshe’dbeenthroughenough.She

didn’tneedmedickingherover.Afterthat,he’dlaunchedintoaspeechabouthow

shewashisgirl’sbestfriend…blah,blah,blah.I’dbackedoff,sowhyIwas

gettingafuckinglecturenow,Ihadnoclue.

Cadescootedforwardinhisseat.“You’regettingphysicaltherapycoaching

sessionsfromher,andgivingherone-on-oneself-defenselessons,andyou’re

tellingmeyou’venevergottenanybonuscontactoutofthedeal?”

“Nope.”

“Okay.So,when’sthelasttimeyouhadanypussy?”

“It’sbeenawhile,Iguess.”Itriedtorememberthelasttime.Ithadbeena

longwhile.“I’vebeenintrainingmode.YouknowIcan’tchasetailwhileI’m

training.”

“Youaresofullofit.”Heknockedhisbeerglassagainstmine.“Youhaven’t

beenintrainingmodefortheentirepastfivemonths.Anddon’teventellme

you’retooinjured.Dothemath,youidiot.Youhaven’tbraggedonceaboutgetting

laidsinceyoumetMacKenzie.”

“So?”Iwasgettingseriouslypissed.Heneededtodropthisshit.

“Okay,thenwhyaren’tyououttheregettingsome?”

Ihadn’tthoughtaboutitbefore,buthehadapoint.“Damn,areyouseriously

tryingtobemysextherapistrightnow?”

“Whydon’tyoujustdateher,already?”

“Forthefuckoffuck.Areyoushittingme?”IthoughtIknewwhatitwaslike

toseered,butIwasseeingamuchmorevibrantshadethanI’dseeninawhile.

Hewasgoingtofeelthisatournextsparringsession.“Youtoldmetobackoff

thatnight,”Ispat.

Cadeleanedbackinhisseatandhiseyeswidened.Heputhishandsupin

frontofhim.“Hey,don’texplode.Ididn’twantyoutopullaone-nightstandon

her.She’sAlexa’sbestfriend.They’relikefamily.HowthehelldidIknowyou

weregoingtogoallboomboxovertheheadwithher?”

“YoutoldmeIcouldn’ttouchherbecauseitwouldbelikeyoutryingtodate

Sophia.Youpulledthesistercardonme.”

“Fine,Iun-pullthesistercard.”

Iwantedtopunchhim.“It’stoolate.She’smovedon.She’swithChrisnow.”

“Dude,maybeIshouldn’tbetellingyouthis,butshecrashedonourcouch

lastnightafteraparticularlyintensegirls’nightout.Ishouldn’thavelistened,but

itwashardnotto.Shewasshoutingabouthowawesomeyouwere.”

Forasplitsecond,Iallowedmyselftoconsiderhowamazingitwouldbeif

hewasright,andshereallydidstillwantme.ButthenIlaughed.“Shewasdrunk.

HowcanItakethatseriously?”

“Whatever.I’mjustsaying.Ifyouwanther,youhavealltheinformation.Stop

actinglikeapussyandmanupbeforeyouloseyourchancewithher.Itmakesme

sicktoseeyoulikethis,man.”

Ifinishedoffmybeer.Theprickmightberight.“Areyoudoneplayingsex

therapistnow?”

Cadenoddedandfinishedhispint.“Let’sgetanotherround.”

Isignaledthewaitress.

Twenty

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Fridaynightwassupposedtobeabigdatenight.Atleast,thatwaswhatChris

said.Hewouldn’ttellmewhereweweregoingoranything,whichmademe

nervous,butheendeduptakingmetoagreatrestaurant,andafterwardwewentto

arooftopbarandhadseveralrounds.Iwashavingagoodtime,butstartingto

wonderwhatwassospecialaboutdinneranddrinks.

Christookasipofhisdrink.“So,Iknowwearen’tsupposedtotalkabout

workwhenwe’reout,butI’vebeenmeaningtoaskyouhowyoulikeworkingfor

meatthegym.”

Ismiled.“Ican’tcomplain.Afterall,Igettoworkoutforfreearounda

bunchofsweatyhalf-nakedguys.”Ipaused,wonderinghowI’dmanagedtojust

saysuchastupidthingtomyboyfriend,especiallysinceIdidn’tfindanyofthe

guysatthegymthatattractive.God,thatwassomethingI’dsaytoAlexa,notmy

romanticinterest.“Sorry,noneofthemareashotasyou,”Isaid,whichfeltalittle

likelyingandIwasn’tsurewhy.ButIsmiledathim.

Heleanedoverandkissedmequicklyonthelips.“Iknow,honey.”Heputhis

armaroundme.“ThereasonIaskisthatIhaveaproposalforyou.It’swork

related,sopleasedon’tgetmad,butIwasthinkingaboutthefightIanhascoming

upinjustoveramonth.IwonderedifyouwouldwanttocomewithustoVegas.

Youknow,totakecareofanylast-minuteissueshemighthave.”

“YouwanttoflymetoVegas?”

Chrispausedandtookanothersipofhisdrinkbeforeanswering.“Yeah,andI

thoughtwecouldstayafewdaysafterandjusthangout.Youknow,takeinthe

sights.DotheVegasthing.”

Itookahugeswigfrommydrink.“Youmean,likeanextendeddate?”

“Yeah,sortof.Ormaybemorelikeavacationfortwo.”Hesatbacktogeta

lookatmeandhisbrowwrinkled.“Youhavethatlookonyourface.What’sup?”

Damn,Isuckedathidingmyfeelings.Istruggledtofindtherightwordstotell

him.Ihadsleptwithguysbefore,ofcourse,buttheideaofsharingahotelroom?

Thattinylittlespace,forseveraldaysinarow,mademefeelclaustrophobic.I

wouldn’thavemyescaperoute,andIneededanescaperoute.ItwashowI

operated.

“Ijust…”

“It’stoosoonformetoaskthis,isn’tit?”heasked.

Chriswasseriouslysuchagoodguy,thewayhealwaysletmeoutofstuff

likethis.“No,it’sjustIdon’tknowifI’mreadyfortheovernightthingyet.Maybe

we’llbereadybythen,butIcan’tsay.”

“Ifit’sjusttheroomthingholdingyouback,don’tworry.Wecanhave

separaterooms.”

“CanIthinkaboutit?”

“Wehaven’tmadethetravelarrangementsyet.Justletmeknowinthenext

fewweeks.”

Inodded.IspenttherestoftheeveninghalflisteningtooneofChris’sfight

storieswhileImulledovertheideaofgoingwithhimtoVegas.Ireallywantedto

go;Ijustdidn’twanttogivehimthewrongidea.Ididn’tknowifIcouldlethim

payformetogo,ifIknewIwasn’treadyformoreyet.

Whenhepulleduptomyapartmentbuildingattheendofthenight,Iwasstill

noclosertofiguringouttheanswer.

Chriswalkedmetothedoorandleanedinforagood-nightkiss.Hislips

werecoldandwet,andhemovedhistongueinacircle,thesamewayeverytime

wekissed.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundmeandgavemeonequick,tightsqueeze.

Thiswashiswayofhugging.Hepulledbackandwaitedformetounlockthe

entrydoor,thengotbackinhiscar.

Turningback,Iwavedtohim,thenletthedoorcloseandstartedupthesteps

tomyfloor.Thehallwaywasquiet,whichmademeuneasy.Ithappenedevery

nowandthenthatthesimpleprocessofwalkingthroughthehallsgavemethe

chills.

Iusedtojustpushthroughit,butlately,wheneverthishappened,mymind

wouldwandertoIan,wonderingwherehewasandwishinghecouldbeherenext

tomethewayhewasthatoneday.Ididn’tneedhimtoprotectmeoranything,I

wasfineonmyown,butitfeltsomuchsaferwhenhewashere.He’dbeen

drivingmehomeforthelastseveralweeksafteroursessions,andthathecared

enoughtoinsistonwalkingmetomydoorwassosweet.

ItseemedIwasgrowingtorelyonhiscomfortingpresencemorethanI

realized.

Twenty-One

I

AN

WheneverMacKenziecameover,Icouldn’thelpbutrecallherfirstself-defense

lesson—thetimemylegaccidentallypressedbetweenherlegs,andhowshe’d

eagerlypushedback.Ithadtakenmeasecondtorealizeshewasn’tstruggling

anymore,andhercorewaspressedagainstmeasthoughshewasachingforit.

ThatdaywhenI’dmethereyes,therewassuchahungerinthem,suchaneed.One

Ihadn’tseensincethenightwealmosthookedup.

She’dhadseverallessonssincethen,butwe’dneverhadthatsameencounter

again.Whichwasgood,becauseIdidn’tthinkIcouldresistherifithappened

again.

“Idon’tneedtoknowhowtodroppeople,Ian.”MacKenzieputherhandson

herhipsasshesassedme.

God,Iwantedtospankherwhenshewaslikethis.Theurgetopalmherhot

littleassrushedthroughme.“Ididn’twanttogotothedoctor,butyoudidn’tsee

mebitchaboutit.”

Shelaughed.“No,youdidn’tbitch,youwhinedlikeafreakingbabythe

wholewaythere,though.”

“ItoldyouIdon’tlikedoctors.”

“Whatever,justtrytokeepthewhiningdownwhenwegobacktomorrow.”

Igrumbled;shejusthadtoremindme.Itwasonlythreeweeksuntilthebig

fight,andIhadtogobackandgetanothercheckonmyprogresstomorrow.I’d

regainedalmostfulluseofmyshoulder,butthedocwantedtoseemeagainbefore

heclearedmetostartsparring,somethingIdesperatelyneededtogetbackintoifI

wasgoingtohaveanychanceatthefightinVegas.

Thefirstdoctorvisithadn’tbeentoobad;he’djusttestedmyshoulder’s

strengthandtoldmetokeepupthegoodwork.Istilldidn’twanttogoback,

though.Whatifthenexttimehewantedmetoturnmyheadandcoughor

whatever?Nofuckingthankyou.

“I’mnotgoingbacktomorrowunlessyoulearnhowtodothis.Now,getyour

littlefannyoverhereandpayattention.Allyoudoisrolltheassailantoveryour

hip,thenletgravitydropthemtotheground.”

Idemonstrated,grabbinghersmallframe,pullingitclosetomeandtwisting.

Irolledherbodyovermyhip,liftingbothherlegsofftheground.AsIdidthis,

hersoft,sweet-smellinghairbrushedacrossmyface,makingmewanttobringher

allthewaytothefloor,spreadherlegsapart,andgiveherwhatIknewshe

needed.

Instead,Iforcedmyselftosetherbackdownonherfeet.Ittookanincredible

amountofrestraintonmypart.

“Okay,nowI’mgoingtocomeatyou.DoitjustlikeIshowedyou.”

KenzienoddedthatshewasreadyandIapproachedher,wrappingmyarms

aroundher.I’dfullyintendedtonotresistandletherdropmeeasilytotheground

—Iknewhowtolandwithoutgettinghurt.However,shewasquickerthanI’d

anticipated,andIwasn’treadywhenshetwistedandsentmedowntothemat.

“SHIT!”

“What!Areyouhurt?”Shedroppeddownnexttome.“I’msorry.Damnit,I

toldyouweshouldhavewaiteduntilyouwerehealed.”Sheputhersofthandon

mycheek,andhereyeswidenedinfear.

“I’mokay.”Icoveredherhandwithmine.“It’sokay.Ididn’tmeantoscare

you.Ijustdidn’texpectyoutodropmesofast.”

Iheldhersmallhandinmine,refusingtoletitdropfrommyface.Ifoundher

otherhand,balledupinafistatherside,andencloseditinmine,gentlyworking

atopeningitup.Thelasttimeshe’dkneltovermelikethis,I’dturnedintoadick

andpushedheraway.Butalonewithheronthemat,inthesmallroomthatwasso

fullofher,Icouldn’tdothatanymore.Afterworkingone-on-onewithherfor

severalweeks,I’dwornmyresistancedowntothebone.Icouldn’tpushher

away.

Soinstead,Ipulledhertome.Shedidn’tresist,landingontopofmewitha

surprisedoomph.Youcouldonlyrunondeterminationandsheeradrenalineforso

long.Ineededpussy.Awarm,wetpussy.No,morethanthat,Ineeded

MacKenzie’ssexy,feistyassinmybed.Ineededtofeelhermovingunderneath

me,shiftingherhipscloserwithmyeverythrust,groaningmynameinherraspy

tone.

Therealizationburstthroughmewithsurprisingclarity—Ididn’thavethe

willpowertostayawayfromheranylonger.

Hergazelatchedontomine,andherchestheavedwithasuccessionofquick

breaths.

Closingonehandaroundthebackofherneck,Iguidedhermouthtomine.

Hereyesdriftedclosedandsheleanedintothekiss.ItwasevenbetterthanI

remembered.Herlipsweresoft,yetdemanding,andfollowedmylead,matching

everylickofmytongueagainsthers.

Mycellphoneranginthedistance,butneitherofusbrokethekiss.Whoever

itwaswouldhavetofuckingwait.

Ipulledhercloserandspreadherlegs,placingmyselfbetweenherthighsthe

wayI’dlongedtobeforsofuckinglong.Iwasrockhard,andIpressedmycock

betweenherlegs.Shegaspedbutdidn’tmoveaway,lettingmeknowhowmuch

shewantedthis.Icuppedherassinmyhands,squeezingtight,andpushedagain.

Shepushedback,grindingagainstmydick.

Fuck.IthoughtIwasgoingtolosemyshitrightthen,shewassohot.

MacKenziesuckedonmylowerlip,thenbrokethekisslongenoughtoslowly

kissherwaydownmyneck.Herhotbreathandkissesblazedatraildownmy

body,andshepushedmyshirtoutofherway.Whenshewasatthewaistbandof

myshorts,shelookedupatmewithhergorgeouseyesfulloflonging.Christ,she

wassexy.

“Ian,”shewhispered.“Tellmewhatyouwant.”

Iwantedtopullmydickoutandhavehersuckmeoffrightthere,butatthat

momentIhadtotouchherbeforeIwentofflikeadamnrocketandembarrassed

myself.LasttimeI’dwalkedawaywithoutataste,andthatwasnotfucking

happeningagain.

Islidonehanddowntocaresshercheekwhileshelookedupatme.She

leanedintomyhand,lettingmestrokeherskinwithmythumb.“CanItouchyou?”

Iasked.

“God,yes,”shesaidsoftly,breathingawarmpuffofbreathagainstmybelly.

“Iwanttomakeyoucome.Iwanttohearmynameonyourlips.”

Alittlegruntofsatisfactionroseinherthroat.Ihadn’teventouchedheryet,

andshewasalreadysoworkedup.

Ipulledheruptowardmesoshewassprawledoutacrossmybody.Shewas

dressedinherteeny-tinyshortsandafigure-huggingtanktop.Iassessedthisall

quickly,seekingthefastestroutetogethernaked.

“Areyousureaboutthis,Kenz?BecauseGodhelpme,oncewestart,Idon’t

knowifI’llbeabletostop.”

Iwasjustbeinghonest,butthewayherbrowspinchedtogetherhadme

feelinglikearealjackass.Iwasabouttoreassureher,promiseherIcouldcontrol

myselfandthatwe’dtakethisatwhateverpacesheneeded,whensheopenedher

mouthtospeak.

“Lasttime,youtappedout.”Hervoicewassmall,unsure.

Iliftedherchin.“That’snothappeningagain.”

“Yousureyoucanhandleit?”shetaunted,hersmilegrowing.

“IknowIcan’t,butthat’sneverstoppedmebefore.”Ismiledback.God,this

feltright.Meandher.

Beforeshecouldformulatearesponse,mymouthwasbackonhers.Hotand

needysoundspushedpastherlipsandintomymouth.Trailingmyhandsfromher

face,downherneckandtohershoulders,Ipushedthestrapsofhertanktopoff

herarms,thenpulledhersportsbradownherchest.Breakingfreefromhermouth,

Ilookeddownandnearlycameinmyshorts.

“Thesearebeautiful.”Ipressedakisstothetopofeachbreast.

Alittleshudderpassedthroughherbody,asignalthatIreadaskeepgoing.

Idid.

Takingonenippleinmymouth,Iteasedherwithmytonguebeforesucking

gently,andMacKenziereleasedanexquisitelittlegroan.Igaveherotherbreast

thesametreatment,palmingtheminmyhands,lickingandkissingthemallover.

WhenIpausedbrieflytowatchher,Icouldseeherchestandneckwereflushedas

iftheheatwascrawlingupherbody.IlovedknowingthatIwastheoneheating

herup.

Imaneuveredusquickly,flippinghersothatshewaslaidoutonherbackand

Iwaskneelingbetweenherknees.

“Nicegroundwork,”sheteased.

“Itwaseithernailyoudowntothemat,orputyouonyourknees,”Iteased

rightback.

“Iwouldn’thaveminded.”Shesmiledhappily.

Christ,sheshouldn’tsaythingslikethat.AsItrailedmyhandsupherthighs,

MacKenzieremainedproppedonherelbows,watchingmewithwideeyes.Her

skinwassoftandsmooth,andIlovedthewayshetrembledundermytouch.I

hookedmyfingersintothesidesofhershorts,thentuggedthemandherunderwear

downherlegs.Hertennisshoespreventedmefromremovingtheclothes

completely,butIdidn’tcare.Mygoalwassimple.Iwantedmymouthonherhot

pussy,soIbentherlegsatthekneeandpushedthemtogetherandupontoher

chest.

Shereleasedasurprisedsound,butassoonasmytonguefoundherwet

center,thewhineinherthroatturnedtoamoanofpleasure.

Fuck,yeah.

Lettingthesoundsofherbreathygroansguidemeastowhatsheliked,I

lightlylickedfromtoptobottom,grippingherhipsinmyhandssoshecouldn’t

wiggleaway.Sensingshewasgettingrestless,Isuckedherclitinmymouthand

wasrewardedwithahandpushedintomyhairasherfingersfoughtforpurchase.

Mycellphonerangagain.Ipromisedtoslowlyandmethodicallymurder

whoeverthefuckwasinterruptingthis.

Ignoringthephone,Icontinuedlickingher,findingarhythmthatpushedher

nearlytotheedge.ThenIeasedonefingerinsideher,andherhipsliftedupoffthe

floor.

“Ian…”shegroaned.

“Yeah,babe?”

“Thatfeelssogood.”

Damnstraightitdid.Thiswasallabouther,andIcouldn’twaittowatchher

come.Flickingmytongueagainstheroverandover,Ipushedasecondfinger

insidehertight,hotchannel,andwithinsecondsIfeltherclenchingdownonmy

handasherreleasestartedtobuild.

“Comeforme,sexygirl.”Stillpumpingmyfingersinandout,Ibitdownon

herclitandMacKenziegavealittlecryofpleasure,repeatingmynameagainand

againasshecame.Herbodyclencheddownonmyfingers,andtremorsracked

herforseverallongmoments.Herpussyfeltsogoodaroundmyfingers;Icouldn’t

waittoexperiencewhatitfeltlikewhenIwasdeepinsideherbody.

Blinkingopenhazyeyes,hergazefoundmineandshesmiled.Imovedover

herandkissedherdeeply.MacKenzie’slaboredbreathingwasahugeturn-on.I

couldn’twaittofeelherhands,hermouth,hertightlittlecuntwrappedaroundme.

Shecurledherhandaroundmycockandgaveitasqueeze.Ialmostfucking

camerightthen.Ineededtobeburiedballsdeepinsideher.

Likeyesterday.

“Iwannaplaywiththis,”shemurmured,workingherhandintothefrontofmy

shorts.

“Youcandoanygoddamnthingyouliketohim.”

Myfuckingphonestartedringingagain.

Motherfucker!

MacKenzieliftedherheadoffthematandgavemealookthatsaidjustgo

answerit.

“Sittight,beautiful.”Ineededtogetridofwhoeverthiswas—orthrowthe

phoneoutthegoddamnwindow.Igotupandcrossedtheroom,adjustingmyrigid

cocksoIcouldwalkproperly.Withamutteredcurse,Igrabbedmyphonewhere

itsatonthefloor.

Damnit.ItwasSophia.IthadonlybeenaweeksinceIgaveherthecheckfor

fivegrand;therewasnowayIwasgoingtobailheroutagain.Notthissoon,

anyway.

IdeclinedthecallandturnedbacktoMacKenzie,whowaslookingatme

expectantly.Shewassobeautiful,italmosttookmybreathaway.Herhairwasa

tangledmess,andhercheekswererosyandpink.

ButnowthatIwasonmyfeet,Iwashavingsecondthoughts.Notabout

wantingher.Hellno.Butasshelaythere,lookingatmewithherbigblueeyes,I

knewIdidn’twantherhere,likethis.MacKenziedeservedmorethanthat.There

werewomenyouthrewdownonthegymmatandbangedjustforthesakeof

gettingoff.AndtherewerewomenlikeMacKenzie,whoyouhopedwouldbe

more.

MacKenzierosetoherfeet,adjustedherclothes,andclosedthedistance

betweenus.Shetracedherfingersupmyabstomychest,thenslidherarms

aroundmyneckandpulledherselfup.Shekissedmesotenderly,thenpulled

herselfuponme,wrappingherlegsaroundmywaist.

Ieasilysupportedherweightwithmyhandsunderherbutt.Sherockedup

anddownagainstme,grindingherselfonmyerection.Mydickflexed

enthusiasticallyinmyshorts,beggingmetolethimcomeoutandplay.Herdamp

heatradiatedthroughmyshorts,threateningtoshort-circuitallotherthoughtsin

mybrain.

Butshedeservedmore.Ipulledback.“MacKenzie,Ican’t.”

Hersofteyessearchedmineforamoment,wondering,beforetheyturned

coldandsheletherselfdown,droppingtoherfeet.

“Youfuckingass.”Herhandsballedupinfists.“Ican’tbelieveyou’re

pullingthisshitonmeagain.God,I’msuchanidiot.”

Istoodblinkingstupidlyassheheadedforherpursethatwaslyingonthemat

acrosstheroom.ShewasalmosttothedoorbeforeImanagedtopullmyshit

togetherandtakecharge.

“Damnit,MacKenzie,that’snotwhatI’mdoing!”Iyelledabittooloud,but

itstoppedherlongenoughformetostormpastherandplantmyselfbetweenher

andthedoor.

Hereyeswerealreadywetwithtears.Shit.

“Iwasn’ttryingtopushyouoff.Ijustdon’twantthis”—Imotionedtothemat

—“tobethefirsttimeI’mwithyou.”Itookherhandsinmineoncemoreand

gentlycoaxedthemoutoftightfists.“YouhavetobelievethatI’mdonepushing

youaway.Idon’thavethestrengthtodoitanymore.I’vewantedyouallthistime,

butIthoughtIwasn’tgoodenoughforyou.”

Liftingherhandsup,oncetheyfinallyopened,Ikissedthepalmofonehand,

thentheother,hatingthelittlecrescent-shapedmarksIfoundthere.“Istillknow

I’mnotgoodenoughforyou,butIrealizenowthatnooneis.Butyouneed

someone,andIwanttobethatsomeone.”

Ipulledherinmyarmsandliftedherup,kissinghersoftlyonthelipsbefore

lettingherbackdownonherfeet.Herarmsfeltsogoodwrappedaroundmyneck,

herbodystillpressedagainstmine.Thewayitshouldbe.Westoodtherefora

moment,justlookingintoeachother’seyes.

Hergazeleftmine,andherforeheadcreased.“IhavetotellChris.”Shebit

herlip.

Chris.Hewasgoingtofuckingkillme.Butwhenshelookedupatmeagain

withpoutyeyes,Inolongergaveashit.Chriscouldbeatmesenselessifthatwas

whatittookformetobewiththisangel.Ileanedintokissheragain,butmy

phonerang.

“Whokeepscalling?”sheasked.

“Noone.It’sjustmysister,wantingtoborrowmoney.”

Twenty-Two

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Ianhadjustcompletelyrockedmyworld,shatteringitintoamilliontinypieces.

HiswarmmouthonmycorehadbeenbetterthanallthetimesI’dfantasizedabout

himcombined.Andnowhewaslookingatmewiththathungrygazeofhisand

tellingmethathewantedme.Icouldhavemeltedrightintotheseaofbluematsin

hisgym.

TellingChrisaboutuswasn’tgoingtobefun,butI’dwantedIanforthebetter

partofayearnowandIfeltlikeIhadjustwonthedamnlottery.Hewassohot

andsweet,andmademefeelthingsI’dneverfeltbefore.

Hisphonestartedringingyetagain.Hecheckedthephonebeforeanswering.

“Sophia,whatonearthissoimportant—”Hisbrowwrinkledashelistenedto

her.Icouldhearthefaintbutfranticliltofhissister’svoice,butIcouldn’ttell

whatshewassaying.

“Whereareyou?”heasked,hisbodytenseashelistened.“Stayonthephone

withme.I’mcomingtogetyou.Justasecond.”Hepulledthephoneawayfrom

hisface,hiseyesfilledwithamixtureofpanicandanger.“Shewasmugged.She

saysshe’sokay,butIneedtogopickherup.”

Inoddedandgrabbedmypurse.“Let’sgo.”

Heshookhishead.“No,Idon’twantyougoing.She’sinabadpartoftown.”

“Yourchivalryisendearing,butmisguided.RememberwhereIlive?

Besides,shesaidshewasokay,butwouldithurttohaveanursethere?”Ipointed

atmyself.“Justincase?Shemustbeinshock,andmightnotrealizeshe’s

injured.”

Hisfacegrewevenmorefearful,andIwishedI’dkeptmymouthshut.I

hadn’tmeanttosuggestshewashurt.

“She’sprobablyfine,”Isaid,“butIcanstillhelp.”Islippedmyhandintohis,

andhesqueezeditwhilehebrieflymulleditover.

Finally,henoddedandledthewaydowntotheparkinggaragewhilestill

holdingthephonetohisear,talkingtoSophia.Thecaralarmchirpedaswe

approachedhisEscalade.Islidintothepassengersideandhehoppedintothe

driver’sseat.Wastingnotime,hebroughtthecartolife.

Surprisinglyheendedupdrivingtomyneighborhood,takingtheusualroute

hetookwhenhedrovemehome,onlyaboutfivetimesfaster.Ashetooka

residentialcorneratfortymilesanhour,Ituggedontheseatbelttomakesureit

wastight.

Hisbrowfurrowed,hismusclestense,hesomehowmanagedtosound

levelheadedashetalkedtoSophiaonthedriveover.Aboutamilefrommyplace,

heturnedontooneoftheworststreetsinthatpartoftown.Iwasusedtomy

neighborhood,butifSophiawasatrust-fundkidlikeherbrother,shewaswayout

ofherelement.

Weroundedthefinalcornerandmyheartalmostbroke.Ihadnoideawhat

Sophialookedlike,butIknewthegirlonthebusbenchwasher.Shewore

expensiveheels.Herdresswasdesigner,andwouldhavebeengorgeousifit

hadn’thadblacksmudgesonthebrightyellowfabric,andaripintheshoulder

thatwouldhaveexposedherifshehadn’tbeenholdingitup.Hereyeswere

smearedwithrunnymakeup.

IanwasoutofthecarbeforeI’dmanagedtofreemyselffromtheseatbelt.He

waspumped.Angry.Andawholelotoutofcontrol.Evenmoresothanwhenhe

waspreparingforafight,ifthatwaspossible.

“Ian,wait.”Igotout,followinghimtothebenchwherehissistersat.Ihoped

toGodthatwhoeverdidthattoherwasalreadyinpolicecustody,becauseinjury

ornot,Ianlookedlikehewasgoingtokillsomeone.Aveinthrobbedinhisneck,

andhisfistswereclenchedathissides.

“Stayinthecar,Kenzie,”hegrowled.

Iwastemptedtoobeysincehewasseriouslypissedoff,butIwasmore

worriedabouthissister,soIfollowedatasafedistance.

“Itoldyou,Idon’trememberwhathelookedlike,”SophiawassayingasI

approached.

“Wherewereyouwhenthishappened?”Ianasked.Heleanedoverherwith

hishandonthebackofthebench.Hisgazedartedaround,lookingforanyonewho

mightseemtheleastbitsuspicious.Nowthathewasnearhissister,heseemedto

relaxthetiniestbit.

“Idon’tremember.Itoldyou,Iwasdazed.IwanderedawhilebeforeI

thoughttocallyou.”

ThatwasallIneededtohear.Iscootedinonthebenchnexttoher.“Sophia,

mynameisMacKenzie.I’manurse,”Isaid.“Didyouhityourhead?”

“No.”Sheturnedawayfromme,butIcaughtaglimpseofhereyesandmy

heartalmostbrokeforasecondtime.Herpupilsweredilatedandhereyeswere

red.ThatcombinedwiththeinsanepaceherkneewasbouncingtoldmeallI

neededtoknow.Shewasusing.Probablycocainefromthewayshekeptwipingat

hernose.

IsearchedIan’sfaceforanyindicationthatheknewhiskidsisterwascoked-

upoutofhergourd,butitwasclearhedidn’t.NotthatIcouldblamehimfor

missingit.Afterall,thesignsofherrecentassaultweremuchmoreobvious.

“Whathappened?”Iasked.

“Iwasattacked.Igotawaybeforeanythinghappened,butIjustwanttogo

home.”

“Weshouldcallthepolice,”Isaid.

“No,”theybothsaidinunison,andIansaid,“Idon’twantthisshitbehind

barswhereIcan’tgettohim.”

Sophiawhimpered.“Ian,itwasnothing.ItoldyouIdon’trememberwhoit

was.Nowcanyoupleasejustdrivemehome?”

Iansurveyedthestreetonelasttime,thenturnedtohissister.“Yeah,let’sget

youhome.”

ItriedtositwithSophiainback,butshewavedmeoff,sayingshewasfine,

andpushedmetositupfrontwithIan.Shetriedtogetustojustdropheroff,but

Ianinsistedonwalkingherupstairsandgettinghersettled.

“Youdon’tmind,doyou,Kenzie?I’msorrytodragyouallovertownlike

this.”

Ishookmyhead.“No,notatall.”IwasworriedforSophia,andgladhe

wasn’tjustgoingtoletherwanderupstairsalone.

Intheelevator,Sophiakepttappingherfootandbouncingagainstthewall,

literally,byleaningback,thenpushingoffwithherhands.Itlookedlikeshewas

goingtoexplodeanymoment.

IanandIfollowedherdownthehall,andsheopenedthedoor.Itwasanice

enoughapartment,well,probablyacondolikeIan’s,buttherewasclothingand

dirtydishesstrewneverywhere.

Ianscannedtheplace,andconcernfilledhiseyes.“Whathappenedhere?”

“Nothing,”shebarkedandtriedtoclosethedooronus,butIanwashaving

noneofthat.Hepushedthroughthedoor,andIgavehimsomespacebefore

following.

Heactedlikethiswasallnew,whichmeanthemightnotevenknowshewas

using.Ifsheweremypatient,Icouldn’ttellIan,butneithershenorherinsurance

werepayingformyservices.Ididn’twanthimtoexplodeather,though,soI

watchedhim.

Afterwanderingaroundtothevariousrooms,securingtheapartment,Ian

plantedhimselfonthesofa.Hiseyesweresharpandhewasabouttosnap,butnot

ather.Helookedatherasifshewassomeonewhoneededprotecting.

Iancouldneverhurthissister.Iwouldhavetotellhim;hecouldgetherhelp.

“Justgo,Ian,”shesaid.“Thanksforcomingtogetme.I’mjustgonnatakea

showerandcrashforthenight,nothingexcitinggoingonhere.Thankyouand

good-bye.”Shelookedalmostpissed.

Isteppedforward.“Sophia,youandIbothknowheisn’tgoinganywhere

untilyou’recleanedupandhe’scalmeddown.Let’sgotakealookatthose

scrapes.”

Itookherhandandguidedhertothesolitaryhallway,whichhadtoleadto

thebathroom.WhenIangotuptofollow,Isaid,“I’vegotthis,Ian.Youjustrelax.

Thisisagirlthing.”

“DoesIanknow?”Iaskedoncethebathroomdoorhadclosedbehindus.

Sophiafoldedherarmsandturnedawayfromme.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’re

talkingabout,”washersnottylittleresponse.Shewastryingtopushmeawayby

beingcold.I’dseenitbefore;shewasdesperatetobeleftalonetofeedher

addiction.

Notonmywatch.

“Oh,right,”Isaid.Iopenedhermedicinecabinetandstartedrummaging

throughthebottlesofpills.

“Stopit.”ShereachedforabottleofantihistamineandIswattedherhand

away,takingthesamebottleofftheshelfmyselfandopeningit.

“Areyourallergiesactingup?Youwantsomeofthis?”Iasked,tippingthe

bottle’scontentsintomyhand.Nopills,justasmallclearvial.Itwasalmost

empty,saveforatinytraceofpowder.Shereachedforit,andIpulleditbehind

myback.

“Sophia,doesIanknowyou’reusing?”

Shetookadeepbreathasiftofightofftears.“No,pleasedon’ttellhim.

He’lltellourparents.Ihardlyeveruse,and…Icanstop.I’llstop.Ipromise.”Her

eyeswerewide,butnotbecauseshewasscared.Itwasbecauseofhowhighshe

was.

Iliftedthetoiletseatandopenedthevial,tappingthelastpinchofcocaine

intothetoilet.HerhandswentforthevialasIdidso.

Thiswasbad,andsoheartwrenching.Ifeltmyfistballingup.I’dknownso

manyaddictswhenIwasakid.Severalofmyfosterparentswere.Ialwaystried

tobeniceandencouragingtotheminthehopesthattheywouldstop.Itwasn’t

untilnursingschoolthatIlearnedaddictswouldn’tgethelpuntiltheywereready.

Sometimesthatmeanttoughlove.SoasmuchasIwantedto,Icouldn’tbabyher.

“Cleanyourselfup,”Isaid,thenletmyselfoutofthebathroom.

Herfaintsobsfollowedmedownthehall,beggingmetoturnbackandtell

heritwouldallbeokay.God,Iwantedto.ButIwentbacktomeetIaninthe

livingroom.Addictsneededtoughlove.

WhenIgotthere,hewasstillseatedonthesofa,hisheadinhishands.I

wasn’tsurewhathewasdoinguntilIsawwhatwaslaidoutinfrontofhimonthe

coffeetable.ACDcasewithadustingofwhitepowder.

Ididn’thavetotellhimhislittlesisterwassnortingcoke.Theevidencewas

rightinfrontofhim.

Twenty-Three

I

AN

HowthehelldidInotknow?

Thesignswereallthere.MacKenzietoldmetheyweren’talwayseasyto

spot,butstill,Ishouldhaveseenthem.Sophiawasmylittlesister.Ihaveknown

herallmylife.

IthoughtbacktothefewtimesI’dseenSophiainthepastmonth.Thewayher

leghadstartedbobbingupanddownnervously,theirritability.Shehadbeen

secretive,andhadaskedformoremoney.Shewasmanipulative,evenmoreso

thanusual.OnlyIhadn’tnoticedbecauseIwassowrappedupinmyowncareer,

sofocusedonmystupidinjury.Sonow,hereIwasonhersofa,waitingforherto

comedownfromherhighsowecouldtalk.

MacKenziehadspentseveralhoursgoingthroughSophia’splace.Shepicked

upclothing,washedthedishes,didaloadoflaundry,andevenmoppedthefloor.

That,andeverythingelsefromthedayhadwornherout.

Nowshelaynexttome,herheadinmylap,dozingquietly.Iranmyfingers

throughherhair,sothankfulshe’dcomewithme.Ifshehadn’tbeenhere,I’dhave

lostmyshit.MacKenzietookcontrolofthesituationinawayInevercouldhave.I

wassohell-bentonfindingtheguywhomuggedSophiasothatIcouldexact

revenge,Icouldn’tevenseethattherewassomethingwaymorefucked-upgoing

on.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifshehadn’tbeenhere.

Hell,IguessIdo.Iwouldhaveignoredthesignsandrunoffhalf-cockedto

findwhoeverdidthistoSophia.Istillwantedtofigureoutwhothehellhadput

herontothatshit.AndIwouldbefindingoutonceshewasclean;Ihadtowait

untilshecamedown.NomatterhowmuchIwantedtopunchwhoeverdidthisshit

toher,Ihadtofuckingcalmdown.

IlookeddownagainatKenzie.Shewascurleduponhersideinthefetal

positionnexttome.I’dofferedtogetheracab,butsherefused,insistentthatshe

wouldwaitoutSophia’shighwithme.

Ibrushedmyfingeragainsthercheek.Itwassosoft.Itbroughtmebacktothe

momentswe’dhadtogethertodaybefore.I’dfinallydoneit.I’ddonewhatIhad

beenwantingtodoforthelastsixmonths,sincethefirstnightImether—I

committedmyselftobeingeverythingIcouldbeforher.God,itfeltgoodto

finallybeabletogiveintotheneed,totellherhowIfeltabouther.

MacKenziestirredundermytouch.“SorryIdozedoff.Imeanttokeepyou

company.”Shestretchedandsatup,scootinginsoshecurledagainstmyside.

“No,it’sokay,youneedrest.”Ilookedintohersleepyeyes.“Youhaveto

worktomorrow.”

Thatwasthewrongthingtosay.Shegroanedandburiedherheadinmy

shoulder.

Mystomachsank.Iwasn’ttheonlyonewhowasworriedabouthowChris

wouldtakethis.Iputmyarmsaroundherandkissedthetopofherhead,wishing

therewassomewaywecouldavoidtellingChris,yetknowingIcouldn’tdothat

tohim.Hewasafriend.

God,andthiswasallmyfaultforpushinghimather.Ipracticallyservedher

tohim.Iwassuchafuckingdouche-wad.

Twenty-Four

M

AC

K

ENZIE

I’dneverbeensentimentalaboutwakingupnexttoaguy,andyethereIwas

curledupinIan’sarms,unwillingtoopenmyeyesincaseitmightallbeadream.

IpressedmynosetohisT-shirt,andthefamiliarscentofhisdetergent,body

soap,andahintofmuskfilledmysenses.Itracedmyfingersoverhischestand

downhisabs.Evenasheslept,hisbreathingslow,Icouldstillfeelthedefinition

inhismuscles.Mylegwasdrapedoverhisgroin,andhehadthehintofmorning

wood.

Mygriptightenedaroundhischest,andItriednottothinkaboutit.Istill

couldn’tbelievewhathadhappenedbetweenusathisgym.Theconfidentway

he’dpulledmypantiesdownmylegsandlickedmycenter…Ishudderedand

squeezedhimtighter.

Hissisterlaysleepinginthenextroom;thiswasn’tthetime.She’dfinally

dozedoffatsixinthemorning,andwe’dcurleduptogetinafewhoursofsleep

beforewehadtotakeIantothedoctor.

Mystomachgrowled.Iwashungry,butIdidn’twanttomove.Ian’sbreathing

changedandhisembracetightened.IfinallyopenedmyeyesbecauseIwantedto

seehisface.

Itwasperfect.Hissquarejawwascoveredinstubble,whichwasonlya

littleshorterthanhishair.Hisclearblueeyeslookeddownatmewithsomuch

tenderness.

“Hey,Kenzie.”Weclosedthedistanceandkissed.“Youreadytofacethe

day?”

Therealityofhiswordshitme.Thiswasreal.Itwasn’tadream.Hecouldn’t

stillwantmethismorning,couldhe?Afterall,thisdidn’thappentogirlslikeme.

“Listen,whathappenedbackatyourplace…wewerecaughtupintheheatof

themoment,Iunderstandifyou…”Iwasgivinghimawayout,shuttingdown

thesegrowingfeelingsIhadforhimbeforehehadthechancetofracturemyheart

again.

Hisforefingerovermylipsquietedme.“Don’tpussyoutonmenow,Kenzie.

Iwantthiswithyou,I’vewantedthisforalongfuckingtime.”

Hekissedthetopofmyhead.Somethinghe’donlydoneafewtimes,butI

loveditandhopedhewouldmakeahabitofit.God,hewassosweet.

“OhmyGod.Willyouguysgetafuckingroom?”Sophiastoodoverus,her

hairallmatted.She’dforgottentoremovehermakeup,whichwasnowsmeared

upanddownherface.

“Morning,Sis.”Iansatup,andIfollowed.“Youmusthavesleptawholefive

minutes.”Heslumpeddownandbenthisheadover,rubbingthebackofhisneck

asifhe’djustrememberedhewassupposedtobeirritatedwithher.“Thisisit,

Sophia.Endoftheroad.Ifyoucan’tstayclean,I’mkidnappingyouandhauling

yourasstorehab.DoImakemyselfclear?”

“Ian,youcan’tforcemetogotorehab.Besides,Idon’tneedit.I’mfine,”she

said.

“DoImakemyselfclear?”

Shefrownedandavertedhereyes.“Yes.”

“AndthatfivegrandIgaveyoureallyisthelastyou’llseefromme.Ifyou

needmoretogetthroughthemonth,I’llbuyyouacaseoframennoodles.There

won’tbeanymorehandouts.”

“Ian,Iwasmuggedyesterday.Ireallydon’thaveanymoneyleft.Theguy

tookitall.”

Hiseyesgotwide.“Sophia,whatthehellwereyoudoingwalkingaroundthat

partoftownwithfivethousanddollarscash?”Hechuckledtohimself.“Never

mind.IthinkIknow.”Hestartedpullinghisshoeson.“Ihavetogorightnow.I’ll

stopbylaterwithyourcaseoframen.”

“Ian,”shewhined.

Heslidhishandintomine,ignoringhissistercompletely,andgavemealook

thatcouldmeltbutter.“Youreadytogo?”

Inodded.EventhoughIwasinnowayreadyfortheday—dealingwithChris

andall—IunderstoodwhatIanwasdoingwithSophia.Itwastimeforsometough

love,anditwastimetogetonwiththeday.Infact,itwasimportanttogetonwith

thisday,sothatitwouldsoonbeover.ThenIcouldspendtherestofmytimewith

thisseriouslysexyman.

Hestoodupandhelpedmetomyfeet.

“Ian,wait,”Sophiasaid.

Heledmetothedoor,thenturnedbacktoher.“Thisisit,Sophia.You’recut

off.Youcan’twhineyourwayoutofthisone.I’llbebylatertocheckonyou.Be

good.Youcandothis.”

Hegavehissisterahugandshesqueezedhimback,hereyesshuttightand

herlowerliptrembling.Andwiththatweleft.

Twenty-Five

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Ianpulledintothegym’sparkinglotandletthecaridle.He’dhardlyspokensince

we’dleftthedoctor’soffice.I’dexpectedhimtobesilent.WhatIdidn’texpect

washowunruffledandincontrolhewas,consideringwhatthedoctorhadjust

toldhim.

“Thismeansnomoreself-defenseclassesuntilyou’rebackontrack,”Isaid

tobreakthesilence.

Heshookhishead,butthecornerofhismouthturnedup,hintingatasmile.

“Ifyouthinkabadreportcardfromthedocwillgetyououtofself-defense

lessons,youaresorelymistaken.”Heslidhishandaroundmineandwoveour

fingerstogether.“I’llgetmyselfbackontrack.Don’tyouworryaboutit.It’snot

yourproblem.”

“Butitis.WhydoyouthinkI’mcomingtoworkwithyoutwiceaweek?”

“BecauseyouthinkI’llbegoodinbed,”hesaidinahuskyvoice.

Iblushedathowtruehiswordswere,butitmademelaugh.“Maybe,but

that’snottheonlyreason.”Itracedmyfingeralonghisarmandlookedathim.

“Thisissomethingyou’veworkedlongandhardfor.Iwantyoutowin.Iwantyou

tosucceed.”

Hecuppedmycheekwithhishand,“Iwillwin,MacKenzie.Anythingyou

want.”

Ilaughed.“Youcan’tpromiseyou’llwin.”

Heshookhishead.“Ican.I’lldoitforyou.I’llwinmyfight.Promise.”His

eyesheldmine,andIknewhewoulddoanythingtokeepapromisetome.The

thoughtwarmedme.

Ianwinninghisfightwasn’ttheonlythingIwanted.Atthatmoment,Ialso

wantedtostraddlehimandpressmybodyagainsthis,butIwasn’tgoingtodothat

infrontofChris’sgym.Istillhadn’tbrokenupwithhim.“MaybeIshouldstart

comingovereverydaytoworkwithyou.”

“Thatsoundslikeagoodidea.”Hisvoicewaslow,andIwonderedifhewas

onlyholdingbackbecauseofwherewewere.“Comeovertonightandwe’ll…

workonthings.”

Ifeltathrobbetweenmylegs.God,Iwantedhimtoworkonme.

ButthenmyeyecaughtmovementbehindhimandIsatupstraight,pulling

awayfromhim.Heturnedtolook.Itwasjustamomwalkingdownthestreetwith

adoublestroller,butitwasenoughtoremindusofoneoftheissueswehadto

dealwithtoday.

“Areyousureyoudon’twantmetotalktoChrisfirst?”heasked.

“No,itmakesmoresenseifIlethimdown.IfIdon’tandhefindsoutwe’re

dating,itwillbelikewe’recheating.”

“Wealmostare.”

“Butitwillonlyhurthimtoputitthatway.Maybeweshouldgivehima

whiletoobeforewetellhimaboutus.Justtosoftentheblowalittle.I’lltalkto

himtoday.Andhopefullyhe’llbetruetohisword,andI’llstillhaveajob.”

“Chrisisagoodguy.He’dneverfireyouforbreakingupwithhim.”

Ianwasprobablyright,butwhenChrisfoundoutIwasalsodatinghisbuddy

Ian,Iwasn’tsureitwouldallremaincoolbetweenus.AndIreallywishedI

didn’thavetotestitout.

“Callmeifthingsgetintenseandyouneedmetocomegetyou.”Hesqueezed

myhand.“I’llcomepickyouupattheendofyourshiftsoyoudon’thavetobus

over.”Hescannedtheparkinglotbeforeleaningin,givingmealightkissjust

belowmyjawline.Iturnedandtookonelastlookathimbeforeheadingin.

Inthefifteensecondsittookmetogettothefrontdoor,I’ddeterminedthatI

wasdefinitelygoingtotalktoChrisfirstthing.RippingofftheBand-Aidseemed

likethewaytogo.Besides,hedeservedtoknowrightawaythatitwasover.

ButbythetimeI’dmadeitthroughthegymtohisoffice,Ithoughtmaybeit

wouldbeeasieronhimifIdidn’ttellhimuntiltheendoftheday.Becausethenhe

wouldn’thavetoseemeagainuntiltomorrow.Iwasjustspinningonmyheelto

getasfarawayfromhisofficeasIcouldwhenChriscalledouttome.

“Hey,MacKenzie,didIseeIandropyouoffjustnow?”

Everysinglemuscleinmetensed.Whathadheseen?TherewasnowayI

wouldbeabletoactlikenothingwasgoingon.Iwasalousyliar.IfIwasgoing

totalktohim,Ihadtotellhim.

Itookadeepbreathandturnedbacktotheoffice.“Yeah,wejustgotback

fromhisdoctorvisit.”

Itookastepjustinsidetheoffice,scaredthatventuringfartherwouldcause

metofreakout.IhadnocluewhyIwassoworriedaboutthis.Ihadbrokenup

withguysbefore.Granted,withmostguysitwasjustafterafewdates.

ChrisandIhadbeenseeingeachotherforamonth,whichwasn’tlongfor

mostpeople,butitwasnearingarecordforme.Andthentherewasthatwhole

bossthing.I’dneverdatedaboss,andthusneverhadtobreakupwithonebefore.

Maybethatwaswhymystomachwaswoundupsotightlythatpukingdidn’tseem

outofthequestion.

“Well,comeoninandtellmehowitwent,”hesaid,smilingandatease.

Hehadnoidea.Mustnothaveseenanything.Thankgoodness.

Ishuffledinafewmorefeet,takingaseatontheedgeofthecouch.

“So,how’sourmandoing?”Heleanedforward,foldinghisarmsonthedesk.

Hisgiantbodydwarfedthedesk,makingitlookdainty.

“Itcouldhavegonebetter,”Isaid.“ThedoctorwantsIantowaitanother

weekbeforehebeginssparringagain.”Thiswasaseriousblow.Thefightwas

onlythreeweeksaway,andheneededtobeworkingonhisstrengthand

sharpeninghisskills,butthedoctordidn’tthinkhewasready.

Chrisranhishandoverhisclean-shavenhead,andhisforeheadcreased.

“That’snotgood.”Hewinced.“Iwasworriedaboutthishappening.”

Ilookeddownatthefloor.“IfeellikeIcouldhavedoneabetterjobworking

withhim.”

“Don’tworry,MacKenzie,thisisn’tonyou.Iwasjusthopingitwouldn’t

cometothis.”Hepickedupapencilandstartedtappingitonthedesk.

“Cometowhat?”Iasked.

“IthinkI’mgoingtohavetoreplaceIaninthefight.”

“What?No.He’sworkedsohardforthis.”

“Yeah,butweknewthiswasapossibility.WhydoyouthinkIbroughtin

Jonah?”

“YousaidyoubroughthimintoworkwithIan.”

Heshrugged.“Yeah,butIkepthimherebecauseIknewwemightneedhimto

fightinVegas.AnditlookslikeIwasright.”

Damnit.Thatwasn’tthereasonhetoldmebefore.Whywashegivingupon

Iansoquickly?Ithoughttheywerefriends.

“Idon’tthinkit’sasbadasImadeitsound,Chris,”Isaid.“We’vestillgot

timetogethiminshape.Iwasgoingtostartworkingwithhimeverydaytomake

surehestaysontrack.”IrealizedIwaswringingmyhandsandIstopped,placing

themonmyknees.

“Youreallyareinvestedinthis,aren’tyou?”

Ishrugged,thennodded.“Ithinkhecangetthere.Hewantsto,andhewill.I

wouldliketohelp.It’smyjob,right?”

Itwassomuchmorethanthattome.Iwantedtoseehardworkand

determinationpayoff.Itwaslikethatalonecouldrestoremyfaithinhumanity.Ian

shouldbeatthisfight.Heshouldwinthisfight.

Chrissmiledwarmlyandleanedforward,tiltinghisheadtotheside.“My

littleKenziehasherselfaproject,”hesaid.“IguessIwouldn’tbeaverygood

boyfriendifIdidn’tatleastgiveyouachancetoseeyourmissionthrough.”He

gotupandmovedaroundthedesk,takingaseatnexttome.“Ifyouthinkhe’sgotit

inhim,you’vegotthenextweektoproveit.Ifthedoctordoesn’tclearhimfor

sparringbythen,I’msorry,sweetie,butI’llhavetoputJonahin.”

Heslidhisarmaroundmywaistandpulledmein.Ididn’tresist,goinglimp

inhisarms.Istaredatthefloor,digestingwhathe’djustsaid.

AllthethoughtsIhadaboutbreakingupwithChrismovedtothebackofmy

mind.HewasrightontheedgeofremovingIanfromthefight.Iwouldn’tgivehim

anymorereasontodoso.

Hepulledawaytolookatme.“Youlooktired.Didyousleepokaylast

night?”

Ishookmyhead.“Ihadahardtimegettingtosleep.”Itwasthetruth,butmy

omissionofallthedetailsoftheeveningwithIanandhissisterseemedlike

maybetheworstlieI’devertold.

“Whydon’tyoutakethedayoff?Youshouldgohomeandgetsomerest.”

Inodded.

“We’restillonforFriday,right?”

“Yeah,”Isaid.Weexchangedaquickkiss,andIpulledmyselfupoffthe

couchandheadedhome.

Twenty-Six

I

AN

I’dplannedonpickingMacKenzieupatthree,soIwassurprisedwhenshe

showedupatmybuildingjustafterlunch.Hereyeswerepuffy,asifshe’dbeen

sleeping.

“Didyoucomefromthegym?”IaskedwhenIletherintomyworkoutroom.

Sheshookherhead.“No,Chrisletmegohometogetsomesleep.”

Itfeltliketherewassomethingshewasn’ttellingme,butshedidn’tseem

upset,maybejustdazedfromalongnap.“Hedidn’tfireyou,didhe?”

“No.”Sheshookherheadagain,thentookaseatononeoftheworkout

benches.Shetookadeepbreathbeforeshecontinued.“Ididn’tbreakupwith

him.”

Somethingaboutthewayshewaslookingatmemademystomachfall.“Why

not?”IknewasIaskedthequestionthatIdidn’twanttoheartheanswer.

“Becauseitdidn’tfeelright.”

Iranmyhandovermyhairandwaitedforhertosaymore.

“I’msorry.IthinkI’mgoingtostaywithChris.”Hervoicewassofternow,

andshelookeddownatthefloor.Shewassittingonherhands,soIcouldn’tread

thetelltalesignifshewasupset,butshewasdefinitelyuncomfortable.

She’dchosenChris.

Iforcedoutabreath,lookingdownattheflooraswell.Iswallowedhard

againstatightnessinmythroat,myjawclenched.Rageboiledinsideme,just

underthesurface,butIcouldn’tloseit.Notrighthere,notrightnow.Thiswasher

choice.Iwasthedouche-rollwhopassedonherwhenIhadthechance.Ihadno

righttogivehershitaboutwhatshewanted.

“Okay.”

Shelookedupatme,asifshewassurprisedatmyreaction.“Okay?”

Inodded.“Okay.Chrisisstillmyfriend,andIhopeyouaretoo.Iwantyouto

behappy.Ifhemakesyouhappy,”Isaidandforcedmyselftoshrug.“Thensure…

it’sokay.”

Sheletoutabreathshe’dbeenholding.“Good.Iwashopingyouwouldn’tbe

tooupset,becausehere’sthething—Istillwanttohelpyouworkonyour

shoulder.Everyday,likewetalkedabout.”

Surprised,Iranmyhandalongthebackofmyneck,kneadingmyshoulder.

ShehadtobekiddingifshethoughtIwouldbewillingtoworkwithherafterall

we’dbeenthrough.AfterhowmuchsheknewIwantedher.

Istartedtoshakemyhead,buttheninexplicablyswitchedtonodding.“Okay,”

Isaidagain,atalossforanythingmore.

Imustbeafuckingtool,butIrealizedthatifIcouldn’tbewithher,ifshe

couldn’tbemine,Icouldatleastspendtimewithherinthisway.Andthatwas

betterthannothing.

Damn,Ifuckinglovedtopunishmyself.

M

AC

K

ENZIE

I’dbarelyheldittogetherasIworkedforseveralhourswithIanonhisstrength

exercises,butatleastwehadsomethingelsetofocuson.

Whenitcametimeforhimtodrivemehome,Ihadtositonmyhands.Ianhad

figuredoutwhyIballedupmyhandsinfists;somehowheknewthatmeantIwas

upset.SoIdeterminedthatanytimeIwasabouttocry,Iwouldsitonmyhands.

Thatwayhecouldn’tseeit,couldn’tseehowIfelt,becausehecouldn’tknowmy

truemotivationsforstayingwithChris.Ifhedid,myplanwouldn’twork.Ineeded

himtothinkIwasdonewithhimsohewouldforgetaboutmeandfocusonthe

fight.

Forgetaboutme.Thethoughtwassobering,butgivenmypast,was

somethingIwasaccustomedto.Chrishadmadeitclearthattheonlyreasonhe

wasstillconsideringlettingIanfightwasbecausehewantedtohumormeashis

“girlfriend.”SoifIwantedIantofight,I’dhavetoremainChris’sgirlfriend

whetherIwantedtobeornot,andIdefinitelydidnot.ButwhatchoicedidI

have?

IfeltsoemptythatIhadtolockmyarmsstraightinordertoholdmyselfupas

hedrove.Wetalkedaboutstrategyinthecar,andthenonthewayupthestepsto

myapartment.

“SoI’llcomebyyourplaceafterworktomorrow,”Isaid.

Ianshookhishead.“I’vebeenthinkingitmightbetimeformetomoveback

toChris’sgym.Afterall,Ihavemostofmystrengthback.I’dliketoatleastbe

aroundtheotherfighters,evenifIcan’tfighttoo.”

“Sure.”Inodded.Thatmadesense.AndmaybeitwouldhelpifIdidn’thave

tobealonewithhim.Iwouldhavetobebetterabouthidingthelonginginmyeyes

andfocusonmyjob.“Wellthen,I’llseeyoutomorrowatthegym.”

Ipulledmykeyoutofmypurseandunlockedmydoor,openingit.ThenI

turnedbacktolookatIan.Hewasquietforamoment,andIcaughtmyself

rememberingthefirstnighthe’dwalkedmetomydoor.Howprotectivehewas

whenhethoughtIwasindanger.Howhe’dsteppedinfrontofme.

Myheartthumpedunevenly.Resistingtheurgetosinkintohisbroadchestand

wrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist,Iturnedawayandfacedmydoor.

“Goodnight,”hesaid.

Iwalkedinsideandlockedthedoorbehindme,knowinghewouldn’tleave

untilheheardthatclick.Droppingmykeysandpurseonthefloor,Idragged

myselfintothelivingroomandsankdownontothesofa,curlingupintoaball.I

heldinthefirstsobs,notwantinghimtohear,butashisfootstepsfadeddownthe

hallway,thetearsbegantoflow,andIcouldn’thelpthecriesescaping.Ihuggeda

pillowclosetomychestandletgo,mybodyreleasingsobaftersob.Myheadhurt

andmychestached—actuallyached.ThiswaswhyIneverletanyonegetcloseto

me.Becauseiteffinghurt.

I’drealizedhoweasilyIancouldloseChris’ssponsorshipintheVegasfight.

Ianhadbeentrainingforthishiswholelife,andChriswantedtotakehimoutof

thefightevenbeforeheknewweweretogether.Therewasnowayhe’dcontinue

tobackIanifhefoundoutIwasleavinghimforIan,whichwaswhyhecould

neverknow.AndwhybreakingthingsoffwithIanwastheonlythingtodo.

SowhenChrissentmehometosleep,Ispentthemorningcryingmyheartout.

IcrieduntilIwasnumb,andthenIcriedsomemore,becauseIhadtogetitoutof

mysystemifIanwasgoingtobelievethatIwantedtostaywithChris.Andbefore

Ileft,I’dloadedontheeyemakeupandtheeyedrops,andgivenmyselfapep

talk.Iwasgoodatpretendinglikethingswerenormalwhentheyweren’t.Icould

dothis.

AndIdid,butIbarelymadeitthrough.BreakingupwithIanhadbeenthe

hardestthingI’deverdone.WorkingnexttoIanafterthat,withoutbeingabletobe

withhim,wasevenharder.ButI’dmadeitthrough.AndtomorrowIwouldtoo.

Maybeeachday,ifIwaslucky,itwouldgetalittleeasier,becauseIcouldn’t

imaginehowanythingcouldfeelanyworse.

NowthatIknewthesweetsidetoIan,hisprotectivestreak,andthathefelt

thesamewayaboutmeasIdidabouthim,itmadethisahundredtimesharder.

AndofcourseItorturedmyselftheentiretimeweworkedtogetheraslittle

memoriesseepedintomybrain—hisfulllipsnippingatmine,thelargebulge

belowhisnavelpressinginsistentlyintome…

ButIanwasnolongerjusttheaddictivelyhotMMAfighterIwantedtobang

thelivingdaylightsoutof.Hewasmore.Muchmore.

Twenty-Seven

I

AN

Iwasworriedaboutmovingbacktothegym,worriedI’dbetemptedtopush

myselftoohard,orjumprightintosparring.Andasvalidasthosereasonswere,

thebiggestproblemwasthatIdidn’tthinkIcouldhandleanotherroundofone-on-

onewithMacKenzieunlessIhadthesafetyofotherpeoplearound.Itwasn’tthatI

couldn’trespectherchoice,Iwouldneverforcemyselfonheroranyone,butthe

simplethoughtofbeingalonewithherandnotabletotouchherdepressedthefuck

outofme.

ThenextmorningIheadedtothegymearly.Iwasn’tsupposedtoworkwith

Kenzieuntillaterintheafternoon,butIplannedongettinginagoodworkout.I

mightnotbeabletousemyleftarmyettoitsfullpotential,butIcouldabusethe

shitoutofmyotherthreelimbs,andeveryothermuscleinmybody.SomethingI’d

beendoingatmyhomegymeveryday,fiveorsixhoursaday,butlookedforward

todoingbackatthefullgym.Icouldhammeronapunchingbaginmygymuntil

myarmsfelloff,butsomethingaboutbeingbackwiththeguyspushedmeeven

harder.

AsIwalkedin,IinstantlyregrettedtellingChrisIwasplanningoncoming

backtoday.Iwasgreetedbyabannerthatread,W

ELCOME

BACK

,P

USSY

!Ishould

haveknown.Thedipshithadthebannermadeawhileback,andhepulleditout

anytimeoneoftheguyscamebackfromaninjuryoralongabsence.Iguessitwas

myturntoexperiencethehumiliation.

MacKenziewasusuallytherefirstthinginthemorning,soIwassurprisedto

notseeherwhenIarrived.Itoldmyselfitwasagoodthingshewasn’tthere,

becausethenIcouldfocusonmytraining,butpartofmecouldn’tgetpast

worryingaboutwhereshewas.

Thenewguy,Jonah,wasliftingwhenIgotthere.Hesawme,puttheweights

down,andcameover.“Hey,Ian.”

“Hey,”Isaid.We’dmetbrieflywhenIwasinthegymaweekagototalkto

Chris.Afewprofightersweredouche-rodsoutsideofthering;thankfully,hewas

notoneofthose.

“Alittlebirdtoldmeyoumightbecomingbacktothegymthismorning.”He

smiledandlookedupatthebanneronthefarendofthegym.

“Really.”Ilaughed.

“Anyway,thesamelittlebirdsuggestedyoumightbelookingforsomehelp

withyoursubmissionandgrapplingtechnique.Ifyouwantto,wecanworkon

that.”

Thatwasactuallyagreatidea.Ineededtogetbackintostrategiesand

fightingassoonaspossible.Icouldn’tstartsparringyet,butthatdidn’tmeanI

couldn’tworkontechnique.

Igladlyfollowedhimovertoamattoworkonsubmissions,whichwasmy

weakestskill,andsomethingIhadtoworkonevenhardernowthatIwascoming

outofaninjury.Everyoneknewthebestwaytogetafightertotapoutifhe’dbeen

recentlyinjuredwastogoafterthatinjury.AndthatmeantIhadtobereadyformy

opponenttotrytofuckwithmyshoulder.Firstorderofbusinesswasdefinitely

workingongettingoutofandstayingoutofsubmissionholds.

Wesetuponamatonthefarsideofthegymnearthelockerroom.

“Okay,”Jonahbegan,“let’sstartbyshowingyousomeholdsIuseandthe

bestwaytogetoutofthem.Goaheadandliedown.”

Ilayonthemat,andhekneltovermeandwentthroughthemotionsofpulling

myarmintothefirsthold.Icaughtmyselflookingacrosstheroomattheempty

treadmillandwonderingwhereMacKenziewas.Ihopedshewasokay.

Damn.Ineededtogetmymindoffherandfocusonthefight.

Jonahmovedquickly,slippinghislegsaroundmeandpullingmygoodarmin

adirectionitwasnotsupposedtogo.“Okay,howdoyougetoutofthis?”he

asked.

Ilookedaroundforsomepartofhimtopunch,buthewasbehindmeandall

hisgoodtargetswereprotected.AndIcouldn’ttwistoutofhisholdbecauseof

theangleatwhichheheldmyarm.Fuck,thiswaswhyIneverletthemgetmeon

thegroundinthefirstplace.ThiswasalsowhyIneededtotrainwithJonah.

Ipushedupwithmylegsandtriedtorollontopofhim,butheheldmedown

sothatImightaswellbefightingabrickwall.

“Useyourotherarm,”hesaid.“I’vegotyourarminavice,butifyoudistract

mebypushingup,Iwon’tbeabletocontrolwhatyourotherarmdoes.Usethat.”

Ipushedupagainsthimagainandrealizedrightawaywhathewasgettingat.

Inordertokeepmedown,hewaspushingforward,whichmadehisheadvery

vulnerable.Ireachedupandhookedhimintoachokehold,pullinghimaroundin

frontofme.

Hetappedout.“Good.Let’strythatagain.”

Whenwemovedbackintoposition,InoticedChrissteppingoutofhisoffice,

followedbyMacKenzie.Hesaidsomethingandshelaughed,butitseemed

forced.Shestilllookedtired,butmaybealittlebitmorerelaxedthanshewasthe

daybefore.

AsIlaythereonthemat,Istudiedthemasacouple.Somethingprickedatthe

backofmymindasInotedthedistancebetweenthem,thewayalltheir

interactionsseemedforced.Shewasneverlikethatwithme.Youcouldlighta

cityblockwiththeelectricitythatbuzzedbetweenus.

Butitdidn’tmatter.She’dchosenhim.

Chrisnoticedmeandwavedmeover.

“Iguesswe’llhavetofinishworkingonthislater,”IsaidtoJonah.“Thanks

forthehelp.I’llreallyneeditifI’mgoingtowininVegas.”

“Yeah.Idon’tknowifChristoldyou,butImightbegoingwithyou.Hewants

metobeyourcornerman.”

“Thatwouldbegreat.Icoulduseanexpertonsubmissionsonmyside.”

“Thatroadgoesbothways.Ihearyou’reameanpounder,andI’dlovetoget

somepointersonboxing.”

“Sure.”Iheadedofftowardtheoffice.

“Welcomeback,pussy,”ChrissaidwhenIwaswithinshoutingdistance.He

lookedupatthepartybannerhungupatthefrontofthegymandsmiled.Thelittle

shit.

Ilaughed.“It’sgoodtobeback.”Webumpedfistsandheledthewayback

intohisoffice,takingaseatbehindhisdesk.

Chrisgrinnedatme.“Iwasgoingtogetyouacake,butyourassisintraining

mode.”

Iwasn’tsureifitwasthetoneofhisvoiceorwhat,butatthatmomentIwas

remindedofthefactthatI’dgottenhisgirlfriendofftheotherday.Mymouthand

fingershadbeeninsidehisgirl,andwe’dbeenmomentsawayfromhavingsex.

IwasprettysureMacKenziehadn’ttoldhimaboutthat.Butitsuddenly

occurredtomethatIshouldknowforsurebeforeallowingmyselftobealone

withthisguy.Hemightnotfightproanymore,buthewasaweightclassaboveme,

andcouldprobablywhipmyasswithmyarmoutofcommission.

ButChrisdidn’thintatknowinganythingaboutwhathappenedbetween

Kenzieandme,hejusttossedmeoneofhisfamouslynastyhomemadeprotein

shakesandleanedbackinhischair.

Ugh,Ididn’tmissthese.Still,Ishookitupandchuggedit,tryingtoassessthe

situation.

“MacKenzietoldmehowthedoctorvisitwent,andIwantedyoutoknowthat

I’mbehindyouinthis.I’veaskedalltheguysatthegymtohelpout.We’regoing

togetyouinshapeforthenextdoctorvisit.”

Chriswasagoodfriend.Knowingthathe’dhadmybackthiswholetime

mademefeelevenshittierabouttryingtotakeMacKenzieawayfromhim.He

was,afterall,adecentguy,andshedeservedthat.

“Thanks,”Isaid.“I’mexcitedtogetbackintoit.IknowIcanbeready.”

“Good.That’sjustwhatIwantedtohear.Isawyouwereouttheretraining

withJonah,andIdon’twanttokeepyoufromit,butIjusttalkedtoMacKenzie

andIhadtoshare.Idon’tknowifyouknewthisornot,butthingsaregoingkinda

slowwithMacKenzieandme.Forawhilethere,Ithoughtmaybeshewasn’tinto

me,ortherewassomeoneelse.”

Ishrugged,tryingtokeepmyshittogether.Ididn’thaveaclueinhellwhere

hewasgoingwiththis,andwasthankfulthathe’dremainedseated.Maybeit

wouldn’tbeabadideatotalktoMacKenzieaboutwhatChrisknew.Forthe

safetyofeveryone.

“Well,that’sabouttochange.”Hegotasmuggrinonhisfaceashenodded

likeIknewwhathewastalkingabout.“ShejustagreedtogotoVegaswithme.”

Iforcedasmileandgrittedout,“Great.”

IwantedtocomecleanwithChris.Asafriend,IknewIshould,butIwas

startingtowonderifhisknowingwoulddomoreharm—tohimandtherestofus

—thangood.Besides,theywerefinallytakingtheirrelationshiptothenextlevel.

Maybeitwasbesttojustleaveitalone.

Asallthesethoughtsswirledaroundinsidemyhead,IrealizedIwasirritated

thatIcouldn’tbehappyforhim,andforthem.AndIdesperatelywantedtobe.

Ialsowantedtofuckingpunchsomething.Repeatedly.

Twenty-Eight

I

AN

WinningthefightinVegaswascrucial,butthatdidn’tmeanIwasgoingtoforget

aboutSophia.Familywasimportant.I’dlostsightofthatforawhile,andended

upmissinghowmessedupSophia’slifehadbecome.Ivowedthatwouldnever

happenagain.Notonmywatch.Becauseifitwasachoicebetweenthefightin

Vegasandsavingmykidsisterfromdoingdrugs,Sophiawouldwin,handsdown.

ButIdidn’tplanonitgettingtothatpoint.

EversinceI’dfoundoutSophiawassnortingthatshit,I’dbeencheckingin

withherface-to-faceeveryevening.Sheseemedclean,aswasevidencedbyhow

exhaustedandbitchyshewas.Shecontinuedtonagmeaboutlendinghermoney,

butthatwasnotgoingtohappen.Instead,Itookhergroceryshoppingandpaidher

bills.Shealsowouldn’tstopwhiningabouthowboredshewas,soinorderto

shutherup,ItookheralongwithmetogodrinkingwithCade.

Cadewasalreadythere,seatedatoneofthecrackedredleatherboothswhen

wearrived.“Youlooklikeshit,”hesaidasSophiaandIslidinacrossfromhim.

ThecommentcouldhavebeentargetedatSophiasinceshedidlooklikehell,but

heknewbetterthantoinsultmykidsister.Thedouchewastalkingtome.

Irubbedmyhandovermyhair.“Fuck,man.Atleastletmegetabeerinme

beforeyoustarttalkingtrash.”Isignaledforthewaitressandordered.“Alighttap

formeandacolaforher.”

Sophiapouted,butshewasonlynineteen.Iwasnoidiot,Iknewshehada

fakeIDanddrankallthetime,butshewouldn’tbedoingitonmywatch.

“Sophia,I’msurprisedtoseeyouhangingoutwithloserslikeus.What

gives?”Cadewinkedatherasifitwasaninnocentquestionratherthanan

acknowledgmentoftheelephantintheroom.

“IanthinksIhavesomesortof‘problem’justbecauseIliketohaveagood

time.”Sheglaredatme,butitdidn’tmatterwhatkindofmoodshewasin,she

couldn’tpassupachancetoseeCade.She’dalwaysharboredaschoolgirlcrush

onhim.“He’stryingtomakeupforourparentsbeinggoneallthetime.”She

shruggedandahintofasmilecametoherface.“YouknowIan.Hisintentionsare

greatenoughtosavetheworld,buthe’stoostupidtofocushisenergyintheright

direction.”

“Speakingofmisguidedidiots,what’sgoingonwithyouandMacKenzie?”

Cadeasked.

ItookalongpullonmybeerbeforeIcouldanswer.“Idon’tknowwhichone

ofusyou’recallinganidiot,butMacKenzieisoff-limitsasatopicof

conversation.Youwanttotalkaboutyourgirlfriend’smenstrualcycleoryournew

fuckin’skinmoisturizer,whatever,justnotMacKenzie.”Itwasgoingtobehard

enoughtoseeherwithChrisatthegymeveryday.Iwasdonetalkingaboutmy

feelingsontheissue.

Cadewasstunnedsomewhatsilent.Itooktheopportunitytopoundtherestof

mybeerandwavedthewaitressover.“Anotheroneofthese.”Itwasoneofthe

lastnightsIcoulddrinkbeforefulltrainingmodekickedin,andIplannedtospend

itsomewhatinebriated.MaybeevenmakeSophiadrivemehome.

Sophiatookasipofhersoda,thenlookedupatme.“Isthatthechickyou

weremakingoutwithonmysofa?”

Fuck.“Sophia,damnit,we’renottalkingaboutthis.”

Cadeleanedforwardoverthetable.“Whowereyoumakingoutwithonher

couch?”

Ishookmyheadandblewoutabreath,notingthewaitresswasheadedback

toourtablewithmyfreshbeer.ThankGod.

“Ian?”Cadesaid.

Iacceptedmybeerfromthewaitress.“Thanks.Keep’emcoming.”Ichugged

anotherhalfbeerandputtheglassdownonthetablealittletoohard,making

Cadejump.“IfIgiveyouthebasicsoftheKenziesituation,youhavetoshutthe

fuckupaboutitwhenI’mdonesothatwecanmoveontomorepleasant

conversationssuchashowtoripthelimbsoffmynextopponent.”

Cadenodded,lookingpleasedwithhimself.“Done.”

“Ididn’tmeantotakeyouradvice,butithappened.Ijustcouldn’tpushher

awayanymore,andwefellintoeachother’sarmsduringoneoftheself-defense

lessons.”

Sophiagiggled.“Youweregivingagirlone-on-oneself-defenselessonsand

didn’tthinkitwouldleadanywhere?”SheturnedtoCade.“Mybrother’san

idiot.”

Ikickedherunderthetable.

“Ouch,”shecried,eventhoughitwasonlyatap.

“She’sdatingChris.Iwasgivingherlessonsbecauseshelivesinabadpart

oftown.TheonlyreasonIletitgoasfarasitdidwasbecauseIthoughtshe

wasn’treallyintoChris.Ithoughtshewouldleavehim.Butshedidn’t,shestayed

withhim.SonowIfeellikethebiggestprickintheworld.Havingpushedmyself

onherwhenshedidn’twanttobewithme,andtryingtomoveinonChris’s

girlfriend.”

Ifinishedmybeer,hopingthatthewaitresswouldhurrywithmynextone.I

couldn’tbedrunkenoughtohavethisstupidfuckingconversation.

“Huh,”Cadesaid.HelookedathisbeerasifhewasdigestingwhatI’djust

said.Butthenhisbrowwrinkled.“Promiseyouwon’tpunchme?”

“No,I’mnotpromisinganything.Outwithit.”

“Alexawassurethetwoofyouweretogether.Shetoldmeyesterdaythat

she’sbeenwaitingforyoutwotogetonwithitforoveramonth.SaidMacKenzie

wasdrivinghernuts,andshewassostokedthatyouhadfinallygottenthere.”

“Dude.”Mystomachwastightening,anditwasn’tjustbecauseCadewas

wearingonmylastnerve.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatAlexathought.Theonlything

thatmattersisthatMacKenziemadeherchoice.”

Sophiasnorted.“Nowaythatchicklikessomeoneelse.Shewasgivingyou

thesickestlove-meeyesI’veeverseen,andthewayherbodymovedwithyours?

Itwaslikeadance.”SheleanedtowardCade.“Andthelookonhisfacewas

something.”Shenoddedherheadtowardme.“I’veneverseenhimlikethatwith

anywomanbefore.Hewassopussy-whipped,Ialmostwantedtoslaphimoutof

it.Thatwassomedisgustingshittowitness.”

“Sophia—”Istarted,butstoppedshort.

Iwantedtocallheroutonthefactthatshe’dbeenhigh,andtherewasnoway

shecouldtrustwhateveritwaswhatshethoughtshesaw.Butthatwasashitty

thingtosay,andIwastryingtobenicetoSophia,nomatterhowbitchyshewas.I

wasn’tgoingtotakeherbait.Besides,ifIhadtobehonest,she’dbeenrightonat

leastonecount.ForthesixteenhoursthatMacKenzieandIhadbeentogether,for

thetimeIthoughtshewasmine,I’dbeentotallywhipped.

ButIhadtorespectMacKenzie’schoice.“ShewantstobewithChris,she

saidsotomyface.It’stimeformetorealizeImissedmychanceandmoveon.”

Atthatmoment,IrealizedIwasn’tjusttellingSophiaandCade,Iwastelling

myself.Itreallywastimeformetogetoveritandmoveon.

Fuck.

Twenty-Nine

M

AC

K

ENZIE

TherewasoneimportantthingIlearnedasakidgoingthroughfostercare.

AnytimeImadefriendsatschool,I’dhavetoleavethem.AnytimeIbondedwith

theotherkidsinoneofthehomes,somethingwouldhappenandwe’dallhaveto

bemoved,beseparated.ThelessonIlearnedwasthatifyougottooemotionally

attachedtosomething,youwouldloseit.SoasaruleIkeptmyemotionsata

distance.

UntilIan.Thiswholetime,Iknewhewasathreattomycarefullycraftedway

oflife.Becausebeingaroundhimfeltsogood,IknewIwasindangeroflosing

him.Forsomestupidreason,IthoughtIcouldkeeptheemotionaldemonsatbay,

butI’dgottentoocomfortablewithhim,andhe’dsnuckpastmydefenses

somehow.Sneakybastard.

RatherthansuccumbtothepainoflosingIan,Iswitchedtomyotherfantastic

defensemechanism.Ishutdownmyemotionsandallowedmyselftobecome

comfortablynumb.IthadbeenawhilesinceI’dhadtoshutoffmyemotions

entirely,butIdidn’tseeanyotherwayofkeepingIan—andmyfeelingsforhim—

incheck.

Iclenchedmyjaw,marchedovertotheweights,andpointedattheforty-five

pounder.Itwasdaytwoofusworkingtogetheratthegym.

“It’stimetostartuppingyourgame,”Isaid.

I’dbeengoingeasyonIan.Tooeasy.Iwasafraidhe’dgethurtifIpushed

himtoohardduringourprevioussessions.Itwasbecauseofthat,becauseofmy

poorjudgment,thathewasinthismessnow.Iwasgoingtomakesurehegot

throughit.Iwouldmakeitright,evenifthatmeantbeinghardonhim.Whateverit

took.

JustlastweekIwouldn’thavehadthestrengthtopushhim,butnowthatIhad

switchedoffmyemotions,beingahard-asswaseasy.

Helookedatmeasifhewantedtoprotest.

Irolledmyeyesandgrabbedtheweightwithbothhands,heavingitoffthe

weightstand.

Ianrushedovertome.“Don’tdothat.Letmegetit.”Hetriedtotakeitfrom

mewithhisgoodarm,andIturnedaway.

“Ifyouwantthis,takeit,butonlywithyourlefthand.”Iturnedtofacehim

again.Theweightwasdangheavy;evenwithtwohands,Iwasbarelyabletohold

itup.Itforcedmeintoahunchedbent-kneeposition,butIheldstrong.

Hisjawclenchedandhiseyesdarkened.Hewasgettingupset.Good.Maybe

ifhewasangry,hewouldbeabletopushhimselfharder.“Justletme—”

“Uh-uh.”Itookaseriouslylaboredstepback.“Thelefthand.Yourligaments

havehealed.Theonlyreasonyoucan’tfightyetisbecauseyourstrengthisn’t

wherethedoctorwantedittobe.So,pleasetakethisthingbeforeIdropitonmy

foot.”

Helungedinandgrabbediteasilywithhisrighthand.“Don’tbestupid,

MacKenzie,”hebarked.

“Stopbeingababy,”Ibarkedback.“Wedon’thavetimeforyour

pussyfootingaroundanymore,Ian.”

Iwasshouting.Crap.Iwantedhimtoworkharder,butnotifIhadtoturninto

Bitchzillatomakeithappen.Iturnedawayandtookadeepbreath,tryingtocalm

myself.Damnit,couldn’theseeIjustwantedhimtowin?WhydidIalwayshave

toendupbeingsuchadysfunctionalmess?

Hisroughhandclosedonmyshoulder,andhegentlykneadedit.“MacKenzie,

I’msorry.”

ForamomentIclosedmyeyesandallowedmyselftoimaginewhatitwould

beliketoturnandfacehim,tohavehimsweepmeintohisarmsandholdmeto

him.Howgooditwouldfeeltopressagainsthisfirmbodyandlooklongingly

intohiseyes.

Iallowedmyselfonlyamomentofweaknesstoimaginethis,thentook

anotherstepawayfromhim,shruggingoffhishandbeforeturningbacktoface

him.

Hishandfelltohisside.“Ididn’tmeanyouwerestupid.IknowIneedto

workharder.Look.”Hepointedtohislefthand,whereheheldtheweight.“Iwant

todothis.IneedyourhelptogetmystrengthbacksothatIcanwinthisfight.”

“Good,”Isaid.“Let’sseeyoudofoursetsoftwelve.”Iwaitedforhimto

protesttheextrasetofrepsIaddedon,buthedidn’t.Instead,hestartedinonhis

firstrep.

Ianwentthroughthefirstsetwithouttoomucheffort.Withonearm,he

shruggeduptheweightI’dalmostdroppedasifitwereaslightasacanofsoup.It

wasthethirdandfourthsetsthatalmostkilledhim.Hegruntedthroughthefinal

shrugs,somethingIshouldhavebeenpushinghimtodoseveralweeksago.

Ashepushedthroughthefinalone,IcaughtsightofChrisjustbehindhim

comingoutoftheofficewithawomanI’dneverseenbefore.Shewasaboutmy

age,maybealittleyounger.Herhairwasbleachedblond,andshehadserious

makeupissues.Likeherfacewasalldeeptan,andherneckwasseriouslypink

andpale.

EarthtoBlondie,youcanputmakeuponyourneck.Orjustlessmakeupon

yourface.Iwasn’tthebeautypolice,butseeingsomeonetryingandfailingso

hardkindofmademesmirk.

ThesmirkfellwhenIsawwhatshewasdoingwithherhand.Shewasresting

itonChris’sabdomen,andChriswasn’tstoppingher.Infact,heseemedasifhe

wasusedtohavingitthere.Shegiggledandsmiledatsomethinghesaid,andhe

lookedatherwithsomethinglikesatisfaction.

Mymindraced,wonderingifI’dseenthemgointotheoffice.IanandIhad

beenjustoutsideforagoodhalfhour,andIhadn’tseenthemgoin.Howlonghad

theybeeninthere?

Chrislookedupandsawmestaring.Hispostureimmediatelystiffenedandhe

steppedoutofBlondie’sreach,puttingonasmileforme.Hesaidafewwordsto

Blondie.Sheglaredatmeforabeatbeforesheranoff,andChrisheadedtoward

us.

“Hey,guys.How’sthetraininggoing?”Chrissaid.

Ianturnedtomeethim.“Good.Yourgirlfriendiskickingmyassintoshape.”

Chrisnoddedandsteppedforward,takingmyhand.“Good.Iknewtherewas

somethingspecialaboutherwhenCadeintroducedus.”

Ilethimtakemyhandandforcedasmile.Andwhenheleanedinforakiss,I

kissedhimback.

ItwasobvioussomethingwasoffwiththewayheactedaroundBlondie,but

whenIsearchedmyfeelings,IfoundIdidn’tcare.Infact,itwasalmostarelief.

BecauseifChriswascheatingonme,itmeantIhadnothingtoworryabout.

ThewholetimeI’dtoldmyselfIwouldbeabletotrickIanintothinkingIwas

happywithChris,Iwasseriouslyconflictedaboutonething—I’dthoughtChris

wasagoodguy,andIwasn’tsureifIcouldcontinuetopretendwithhim.Itfelt

likebetrayal.

ButnowIknew.Hewasadouche-bag,justashorribleasIwas.Maybewe

deservedeachother.

Whenhebentdowntokissme,Ialloweditdespitefeelingnotatallintoit.

MaybethiswaswhatIdeserved.

Thirty

M

AC

K

ENZIE

ItwasThursday,ourusualgirls’night.I’dbeggedoff,tellingAlexaIwasn’tinthe

mood,andwasjustcurlinguponmysofawithablanketandapintoficecream

whenmybuzzerrang.Iconsideredignoringit,butitcouldbeoneofmy

neighbors.Awomandownonthesecondfloorwasalwayslockingherselfout.

IpeekedoutthewindowatthestooptofindTyandAlexastaringupatme.

Shoot.Couldn’tagirlhaveanightalonewithoutherfriendsfreakingout?

Ibuzzedthemupandunlockedmydoor,ploppingbackdownonthecouchto

waitforthem.

Ty’sgigglingprecededthemastheycametomydoorandthenknocked.

“It’sopen.”

“Hey,sweetie,”Alexasaidasshecamein,brandishingtwounopenedbottles

ofmyfavoritecheapchardonnay,oneineachhand.“Where’syourcorkscrew?”

Tyfollowedherin.“Ibroughtshots.”Helaughedandheldupabigmixing

bowlwithacoveronit.

“Whatkindofshotscomeinamixingbowl?”Iasked.

“ItriedtomakeJell-Oshots.ButIdidn’thavetimetolettheJell-Oset,so

it’smorelikevodkainfusedwithstrawberry-flavoredsugar.”HefollowedAlexa

intothekitchen,wherebothofthemmadethemselvesathome.“They’rereally

good.I’vehadliketwoofthemalready.”

“Threeifyoucounttheoneyouhadwhilemixingthestuff,”Alexashouted

loudenoughformetohear.Iheardtheclankingofmetalassomeonedugthrough

myutensildrawer.

“Where’syourcorkscrew,lady?”Alexaaskedagain.

Isighed,replacedthelidonmypintoficecream,andheadedintothekitchen.

“You’relookingtoohard,Alexa,”IsaidwhenIsawherdiggingaroundlikea

foolinmyutensildrawer.Meanwhile,mycorkscrewwasoutonthecounterin

frontofher.

“Oh,thereyouare,”shesaidtothecorkscrew,pluckingitoffthecounterlike

itwashernewbestfriend.

“Whichoneofyoudrove?”Iasked.

“Idid.”Alexaturnedtowardmeassheworkedthecorkscrewintothecork.

“Ihaven’thadanythingtodrink—yet.”

“Andwhyareyouguyshere?”

“Wewereworried,”shesaid.“Youtriedtoduckoutongirls’night.”

“So?”

“Youliveforgirls’night,”Tysaid.“Iknewtherewassomethingwrongthe

secondAlexatoldmeyouweren’tcoming.SoIsaid,‘Weshouldgocheckonher.

Shewoulddothesamethingforus.’Sohereweare.”

“Sohereweare,”Alexaechoedasshepouredaglassofwineformeand

anotherforherself.“So,what’sup?”

Ohcrap.Theyweregoingallinterventiononmeagain.Please,no.

“Can’tIjusthaveanightathomealone?Doesthereneedtobesomething

wrongwithme?”

“No,”Tysaid.“Butthereissomethingwrong,Icantellbyyourlousymakeup

job.You’vegottentimesyourusualcover-uparoundtheeyes,andIcanstillsee

they’reallpuffyfromcrying.”

Ifrowned.I’dbeentear-freeformostoftheevening,saveforthetinycrying

jagrightafterIgothome.ButIwasgettingbetter.Infact,justbeforetheyshowed

up,I’ddecidedthattonightwasmylastnightofgrieving.TomorrowIwouldpull

myselfupbymybootstrapsandsuckitup.Tonightwasmylastnightofself-pity.

Andapparentlytheyweren’tgoingtoletmegothroughitalone.

“IwashavingsomePMSissues,”Isaidpointedly,hopingthatthementionof

girlymoodinesswouldmakehimbackoff.

“Youdon’tgetPMS,”Alexasaid,“yousaidsoyourself.Ifyoudon’twantto

talkaboutitrightnow,that’sfine,butyou’redrinkingwithuswhetheryouwantto

ornot.”Shehandedmeaglassofwineandalowballfullofredliquid.“Drink,”

sheordered.

Irolledmyeyesatherandthrewbacktheshot,almostchokingonhowsweet

itwas.“Geez,Ty,didyouaddenoughsugartothis?”Ichasedtheshotwithsome

wine.

Alexaplacedanothershotinfrontofme,holdingoneforherselftoo.“We

havetocatchuptoTy.”

SheheldupherglassandItoastedher,throwingbackanotherridiculously

sweetshot.Mytolerancewasbetterthaneitheroftheirs,andgettingAlexadrunk

wasalwaysfuntowatch,soIdecidedtoplayalong.Shewipedhermouthonher

sleeveandwentbacktothemixingbowltogetuseachanothershot,ladlingthe

jelliedliquidoutwithaspoon.

Twohoursandcountlesssugar/vodkashotslater,wewereallonmyliving

roomfloorwithaseriouslyjuvenilecaseofthegiggles.Noneofuscouldeven

rememberwhatwewerelaughingabout,butIwassuddenlystruckwithhow

awesometheybothweretohavecaredenoughtocomeoverandgetmewastedin

mytimeofneed.

“Ireallyloveyouguys.Youknowthat,right?”

“Aw,”Alexasang.“Weloveyoutoo,sweetie.”

“Imeanit.Ineededthis.Thingswerejustgettingtoomessedupatthegym,

youknow?EversincethedayIscrewedupandletthingsgetoutofhandwithIan,

he’sbeenallawkwardwithme,andnowI’mhidingthingsfromChris.”

“Hangon.”Tyhelduphishandtostopme.“You’redatingIan,right?”

Ishookmyhead.“I’mdatingChris.IjustscrewedupwithIan.”

Alexa’seyeswidenedandsheturnedtome.“Butifyouneverbrokeupwith

Chris,whowastheblondgirlCadeandIsawhimwiththeothernight?Theywere

allovereachother.Seriously,theyneededtogetaroom.”

IthoughtbacktothegirlI’dseencomeoutoftheofficewithChris.Ithadto

beBlondie,butifAlexahadconfirmationthatChriswascheatingonme,that

couldgetbacktoIan.AndIneededeverythingtomaintainstatusquountilhisfight

wasover.

Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow,maybeitwasn’tChris.Orthegirlwashissister?”

Alexafrownedforamoment,lookinglikeshewasconsideringit.Maybeshe

wasjustdrunkenoughtogoforit.

Ilookeddownatmyhands.NowIwaslyingtoAlexaandTy.FirstChris,

thenIan,andnowmybestfriends.Whenhadlifebecomesocomplicated?How

hadthingsgottenthismessedup?

Onethingwasforsure—Icouldn’tmaintainthismuchlonger.Assoonas

Ian’sfightwasover,IneededtoenditwithChris,andmaybeevenfindanewjob.

Thirty-One

I

AN

Iwasgladtobebackatthegym.Notonlywasitgoodformetobearoundother

peopleagain—agreatdistractionfromMacKenzie—butI’dalsobeenpushing

myselfharder.

PartofthatwasthankstoMacKenzie.She’dbeenkillingme,addingextra

setsanduppingtheweightseveryday.AtfirstIthoughtshewasdoingittopush

meaway,butafterafewdaysofhercomingbackagainandagain,Irealizedit

wasn’tthatatall;shewasgivingmethepushIneededtopassmynextphysical.I

wasthankfultoherforthat.

Still,bytheendofthefourthdaybackatthegym,mybodywassobrutalized

thatwhenIgothomearoundseven,Ihardlyhadenoughenergytofeedmyself

beforestumblingintobed.NotthatIcouldgooutpartyinganyway;Iwasbackin

fulltrainingmode.ButIwassoshittiredIfellasleepbeforemyheadhitthe

pillow.

Iwoketothesoundofmyphoneinthedeadofnight.Iusedtoturnoffthe

ringerbeforebed,butbecauseofrecentevents,I’dcrankedupthevolumesothat

ifmysistercalled,Iwouldhearit.

Myarmmusclesscreamedfromtheday’sworkoutasIfumbledformyphone

onthenightstand.Theclocksaiditwasonlytenthirty,butmybodyandmindwere

oftheopinionthatitmustbemuchlater.

“Yeah,”IgrumbledwhenIfinallyfoundtheanswerbutton.

“IsthisIan?”aman’svoiceasked.

Ipulledthephoneawaytoseewhowascalling.Myphonesaiditwas

Sophia.Ishotupinbed.“Whoisthis?”

“Ian…”Therewasapause.“Don’tgettooexcited.It’sRick.”

“Rick?”Mybrainwastoofuckingtiredtofigureoutwhatwasgoingon.

“Rickwho?Where’sSophia?”

“Rick,Cade’sbuddyfromtheadult-filmindustry.Sophia’sherewithme.

She’ssafe,butyouneedtocomegether.”

IwassoupsetIcouldn’tfuckingspeak.AllIwantedtodowasreachthrough

thephoneandstrangleRick.Iactuallyheldthephoneawayfrommyearfora

second,tryingtofigureoutiftherewassomewaytoachievethatmagicalfeat.But

therewasn’t.

“JusttellmewhereyouareandIpromisenottokillyou.”Justtortureyouto

withinaninchofyourlife,that’sall.

“Hey,Icalledyou,remember?Ihaven’ttouchedher.Idon’tknowhowshe

foundmystudio,butsheshowedupwithsomeguyaskingifshecouldworkfor

me.”

“Don’tyoudarehireher.Iwillendyou,”Iyelled.

“Areyoukiddingme?Irememberourlastmeeting,theonewhereyou

draggedmeoutofSara’sapartmentbythearmandtoldmenottotouchyourlittle

sister.Ivaluemylife,whichiswhyIcontactedyouassoonasIcould.”

“Howdidyougetherphone?”Iasked.

“Ilifteditfromherpurse.Listen,inordertokeepherhere,Ihadtotellher

I’dhireher,soyouneedtogetyourassoverheresoonandpullherout.Rightnow

Ihaveoneofthetechsgivingheratourofourfacilities,butIwon’tbeableto

stallherheremuchlonger.”

“JusttellmewhereandI’llbethere,”Isaidandgotup,pullingonclothesas

Italked.

Hegavemetheaddress,andIwasabouttohangupsothatIcouldplugthe

locationintomyphone.“Onemorething,”hesaid.“Ithinkshemightbecoked

up.”

“Howthehelldidshegetthat?Ibetternotfindoutshegotitfromyou.”

“No.LikeIsaid,Ivaluemylife.Buttheguyshecameherewithseemsalittle

shady.Itoldmyguystogetridofhim.”

“Don’t,”Isaid.

“No.We’renotkeepinghimhereforyou,sorry.Irunacleanoperationhere,

andcan’thaveyoumurderingsomeloseronmyproperty.He’llbegonebythe

timeyougethere.Ihaveabusinesstorun.”

Isighed.“Fine,butifbysomemiraclehe’sstilltherewhenIgetthere,you

willhaveamesstocleanup.”

Ihungup,pulledupmyGPS,andpluggedintheaddressasImademyway

downtothegarageandhoppedintomycar.

Red.

AllIcouldseewasthecolorred.Luckily,mybodyseemedtobeableto

operatethevehicle,eventhoughI’dfuckinglostit.Theaddresswasagood

twentymilesaway,butImadeitthereintenminutes.

Rick’s“studio”wasinasemi-poshpartoftownwithalotofolder

warehousebuildingsthathadbeenrenovatedintolofts.Hisfilmcompany

occupiedseveralupperfloorsofoneoftheseoldrefurbishedbuildings.Itookthe

stairsfiveatatimeasIraceduptothefourthfloorwhereRicksaidIwouldfind

her.

ThesceneIwalkedinonwasmassivelyfuckedup.Itwasamoviesetwitha

bedroomalllitupwithstudiolights,andacouplesittingonthebed,half-naked.

Thefilminghadstoppedandtheywerebothwatchingthecommotioninthecorner.

TwoguyshelddownSophia,whowasscreaming,“Icandothis.Justgiveme

achance.”

Iranattheguys,fullyexpectingtobrutallymurderthemboth,butasIneared,

Irealizedtheywerenotsomuchholdingherdownastheyweretryingtokeepher

shirtonher.Shekeptontryingtopullitup,andtheywererestrainingherinorder

topreventherfromstripping.

“Sophia,”Iyelled,myvoicedemandingthatshestophercrap,andshedid.

Takinginabreath,shelookedupatmewithwideeyes.“Whatthehellareyou

doing?”

Theroomwentsilent,andguyswho’dbeenforciblykeepingherclothed

backedaway.WhenImadeittoherandshestillhadn’tspoken,Ikneltdownin

frontofher,grabbedherarms,andlookedintohereyes.

Iloweredmyvoiceandtriedtocalmmyself.“Whyareyouhere?”Istared

intohereyes,whichwereseriouslybloodshot,butshewouldn’tmeetmyeyesas

hergazepingedaroundtheroom,apparentlylookingforanescape.“Sophia?”

Shetriedtoturnawayfromme,butIstillcaughtthetearsthatwerefillingher

eyes.

Thirty-Two

M

AC

K

ENZIE

I’dfilledthetubwithwarmwaterandlavenderessentialoilandwastryingto

calmmynerveswhenthephonerang.Iletitringforawhile,thinkingI’dletitgo

tovoicemailandcheckitlater.Buttheringingkeptgoingandgoing,andthen,

whenitfinallydidstop,itpickedupagainafewsecondslaterandstartedallover

again.

Isighed.Myphonewasinthelivingroom.Whowouldbecallingme

anyway?IwentthroughmyshortmentallistasIgotupandgrabbedmytowel.

MaybeitwasmyneighborSoni.Afterthelastincidentwithhergrandson,I’d

givenhermynumberandtoldhertocallmeifheevershowedupagain.Maybeit

washer.

Ipickedupmypaceandsnatchedthephonefromthecoffeetable.“Hello.”

“MacKenzie,Ineedyou.”

Itwasn’tSoni,butIknewthevoiceinstantly.Myheartdanced.“Yes,”Isaid.

“It’sSophia.Ineedtogethertotreatment.Canyouhelp?I’mnotsurehowto

dothis.”

“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“I’llmakesomecalls.Whereareyou?”

“We’reonourwaytoyourplace.Seeyousoon.”Hehungup.

Thedesperationinhisvoicecaughtmeoffguard.Ianneededme.Sweetrelief

washedoverme.EvenifIcouldn’thavehimthewayIwantedhim,Iwasstilla

partofhisworld.I’dpushedhimaway,butsomeinvisiblethreadhadtiedus

together,atleastfornow.AsenseofpurposepushedmeintoactionandIgotto

work.

Iswitchedonmycomputer,threwonsomeyogapantsandaT-shirt,and

begantyping.

Findingarehabcenterwithopeningslateatnightwasn’taneasything.Ian’s

familycouldaffordtopay,whichmadethingsalittleeasier,butIstillendedup

callingahandfulofplacesbeforefinallytalkingoneintotakingher.

Thedownsidewasthattheplacewasafullthree-hourdriveaway.

Ianhadn’ttoldmeanythingaboutthestateSophiawasin,thoughIassumed

shewashigh.Whentheyarrived,IfoundIwasright,although,thankGod,shewas

goingtotreatmentofherownfreewill.

“Threehoursaway.Isn’ttheresomewherecloser?”heaskedwhenItoldhim

thenews.

Ishookmyhead.“It’shardtofindabedatoneoftheseplacesatthelast

minute.Threehoursisn’tthatbad.Icandrivepartoftheway.”

“No,Ican’taskyoutocome.Youfoundusaplace.That’senough.”

“Ohno,I’mgoingwithyou.”

Myfirmgazemethis.Sorry,buddy,there’snoroomforargument.He

couldn’tpossiblythinkitwasagoodideatodrivethreehoursalonewithhis

coked-upsister.Sheneededasitter.

Helookedtired;I’dnoticeditwhenhefirstcamein.Itwaslikehe’dbeen

fightingsolongandsohard,hejustdidn’tknowifhehadanymorefightleftin

him.Ihatedseeinghimlikethat.

IgrabbedthebackpackI’dpackedwhilewaitingforthemtoarriveand

handedittoSophia.“It’sjustafewthingsthatmighthelp.”Shelookedatme

curiously.“We’reaboutthesamesize—T-shirts,yogapants,underwear,anda

toothbrush.”

IshruggedasIanwatchedmesilently,hiseyestrackingmyeverymovement.

ThenIgrabbedmypurseandtookSophia’shand.“Comeon.Iwanttodothisfor

you.Pleaseletmehelp.”

Sophiawasquiet,butpushedherarmsthroughthestrapsofthebackpack.

Ianledthewaytohiscar.IsatinthebackwithSophiaandplayedasmany

cargamesasIcouldthinkofbeforeswitchingtowatchingvideosonIan’stablet.

OccasionallyIletmyselfglanceupatIan.Icouldseeinhisfacethathewas

exhausted.Heneededsleep.ButeverytimeIoffered,herefusedtoletmedrive.

SoIsatwithSophiaandtriedtokeephermoodupbeatonthelongride.

Wearrivedatoneinthemorning.I’dnevercheckedanyoneinfortreatment

before,butIimagineditwouldtakeatonoftime.However,sinceshewaswilling

togo,theyhardlywantedusthereatall.TheyneededIanforhischeckbook,but

alltheotherpaperworkcouldbefilledoutbySophiasinceshewastheconsenting

adult,andwewereallbutpushedbackintoIan’scar,andfoundourselvesback

outontheroadagainbyonefifteen.

We’dhardlyhadtimetosaygood-byetoSophiabeforetheywhiskedher

away.She’dhuggedherbrotherandhe’dwhisperedsomethingthatmadeher

smile,thenshe’dwalkedawayclutchingthebackpackI’dgivenher.

Ianletmedriveonthewayhome.Hetriedtogetmetolistentomusic,butI

feignedaheadachesowecouldleaveitoffinhopesthathewouldgetsomesleep.

Thankfullyhedidfallasleepaboutahalfhourintotherideback,leavingme

awakewithmythoughts.

Thirty-Three

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Itwasfoura.m.whenIfinallypulledintoIan’sgarage.Ifoundhisusualparking

spotandturnedoffthecar.Helaybackinthepassengerseat,eyesclosed,looking

sopeacefulasheslept.

Ihatedtheideaofwakinghimandforcinghimbackintotherealityofthe

situation,soIsatthere,barelybreathing,andletmyeyesadjusttothedimlight

fromthegaragethatcreptinthroughthewindow,paintinghisfaceinshadows.

Hisstraightnose,fulllips,andthewayhisdarkeyelashesrestedagainsthis

cheekswashypnotizing.Ianwastheepitomeofmasculinebeauty.HiswhiteT-

shirthuggedhiminawaythatmadehisbodyseemevenmoregodlikethanusual.I

lickedmylipsandadmonishedmyselfforwantingtotracemyfingersoverhis

chest.

“What?”heaskedinacalmvoice,snappingmeoutofmytrance.He’d

openedhiseyes.Thestillnessmusthavewokenhim.Heturnedtofaceme,andthe

cornersofhismouthtuggedupplayfully.“Whatareyoulookingat?”

Ilaughed.“Nothing.We’rehere.”

Hissmilefellasthememoryofthenight’seventscamebacktohim.“You

drovealltheway?Whydidn’tyouwakeme?”

“Youneededthesleep.”

Helookedaround.“Sowhyareweinmygarage?”

“IthoughtI’ddropyouhereandcatchacab,”Isaid.

Heshookhishead.

Ishookmyheadbackathimandshrugged.“What,areyougoingtodrive

me?”

Herubbedhishandoverhisheadandsatup.“No,Idon’tliketheideaofyou

goingbacktoyourneighborhoodatthistimeofnight.”

“So,what?Youwantmetostayovertonight?”Iraisedmyeyebrowsathim

andsmiled.

“Actually,yeah.Ido.”

God,theideaoflyinginbedwithIanwassoenticing.Still,I’dalready

decidedthatIanandIwouldn’thappen.Infact,wecouldn’thappenifhewanted

tofightinVegas,somethingwebothwanteddesperatelyforhim.Somethinghe

deserved.

“No,”Isaid.

Hisbrowfurrowed.“Idon’tmeanlikethat.Ihaveaguestroom.”Hetooka

deepbreath.“Ijustdon’twanttoworryaboutyoutonight.It’sbeenaroughday

formewithallthisSophiastuff,andI’dfeelalotbetterifIknewyouweresafe.

Callmeold-fashioned,Idon’tcare,butpleasehumorme,justfortonight.”

“Fine.”Isighed.Honestly,Iwastootiredtoargue,andafterthedrivetoand

fromthetreatmentcenter,acabridehomeseemedtoolongofawaittogetto

sleep.

Heledthewaytotheundergroundramp’selevator.Theelevatorwallswere

mirrored,ofcourse,whichmeantthatnomatterhowhardItriedtoavoidnoticing

howdelicioushelookedinhisjust-tight-enoughjeans,hewasrightthere.The

otheralternative,lookingupathisface,wassomethingIknewIcouldn’thandle

alonewithhiminthequietelevator.Ihazardedapeek,andhissleepyeyeswere

lookingthoughtfullyatme.Itookadeepbreath,foldedmyarms,andleanedback

againstthewall.

Ashehitthebuttonforhisfloor,IwasremindedofthefactthatI’dnever

actuallybeeninsidehiscondo.EverytimeI’dcomeover,weworkedinhisgym

onthefirstfloor,buthisapartmentwasonthetwenty-fourthfloor.Thetopfloor,

ofcourse.

Whenwegotthere,heledthewaydownthehallpastseveralotherunits.At

leasthewasn’tinoneofthosecrazypenthouseswheretheelevatoropenedtohis

condobecausethetopfloorwasallhis.

Ian’splacewaslargerthanmine,butstillmodest.Ithadadarkcolorscheme

thatwasunquestionablymasculine,fromthedeepcherryhardwoodfloorstothe

darkleatherfurniture,totheblackappliancesinthekitchenoffthegreatroom.But

itwassotastefullydonethatIhadmydoubtsastowhetherhe’dfurnishedit

himself.Itwaselegant,butnotenoughsotokeepmyeyesfromdriftingbacktohis

beautifulbody.Iwashavingaseriouslyhardtimenotlookingathiminthatwhite

T-shirt.

“Thisplaceissoclean.”Ididn’tmeantosayitoutloud,butapparentlyIwas

tootiredtoself-edit.

“Cleanerscomeonceaweek.”

Duh,ofcoursehedidn’tcleanhisownplace.Istifledalaugh.

“Letmegiveyouthequicktour.”Hetookmedownahallwayandshowedme

hissmalloffice,theguestbedroom,andguestbathroom.“Thisisyou,”hesaid,

steppinginside.

Theroomwasadecentsizewithabeautifuldeepmaroontheme.Butitwas

soclean,itfeltlikeahotelroom.

Heheadedovertoasmalldresserandopenedthetopdrawer.“Mysister

usedtocrashheresometimeswhenshewasinhighschool.Idon’tsupposethis

wouldfityou?”

Heheldupashirtthathadtobeasizeextrasmall,juniors.ButI’dmakeit

work.

“Sure.Thanks.”

“Therearenewtoothbrushesintheguestbathroomunderthesink,andfresh

towelsintheclosetifyouwantashoweroranything.”Ashesaidshower,his

gazedriftedovermybody,nothingsubtleaboutit.

God,ifItookashower,wouldhejoinme?Deliciousheatracedthroughme

atthethought.

Icaughtmyselfbitingmylipandturnedaway,pullinginadeepbreath.

“Thanks,”Isaidagain.

Heliftedhishandandturnedmebacktofacehim,thencuppedhisroughpalm

againstmycheek.“Thankyou.Ican’ttellyouhowmuchIappreciatedallyour

helptonight.”

Iwassotemptedtocoverhishandwithmineandleanmycheekintoit.It

tookeveryounceofwillpowerIhad,butImanagedtonodandwaitforhimto

reluctantlypullhishandaway.

“I’mjustattheendofthehallifyouneedanything.Goodnight.”Heclosed

thedoorbehindhim,andhisfootstepspaddeddownthehall.

Istoodthereforamoment,staringatthecloseddoortomyroom.Likean

idiot,Iwashopingfortheworld’soldestcliché.Iwantedtostandononesideof

thedoorwhilehestoodoutsideit,eachofushopingtheotherwouldopenthe

doorsothatwecouldcollideintoeachother’sarmsandfallbackontothebed.

Butstufflikethatdidn’thappentogirlslikeme.

Iturnedawayandpulledthecoversdownontheguestbed,thenclimbedin.I

wassomentallyandphysicallyexhaustedthatIwassureIwouldgetrightto

sleep.SosurethatwhenanhourhadpassedandIwasstillawake,Iwasseriously

amazed.

AsIstaredattheceiling,IthoughtIheardfootstepscomingtowardmyroom,

butIwassotired,Icouldhaveimaginedit.Still,adesperateneedbubbledup

insideme,makingmefeelcrazy.Ihadtoknowifhewasthere,ifhestillfeltthe

samewayaboutmeasIdidabouthim.

SoIgotup,tookadeepbreath,andpulledopenthedoor.Iwassoshockedto

seeIanstandingdirectlyinfrontofme,Istumbledastepbackashesmirked

happilyatme.

“Icouldn’t…”Istartedasheinterruptedmewith,“Iwanted…”

Webothfellintoaneasylaughter,andImotionedforhimtogoahead.

Ianrubbedahandacrossthebackofhisneck.“Iwantedtothankyoufor

tonight.Again.I’msorryIgotyouinvolvedinallthis,Ijustdidn’tknowwhoelse

tocall.”

Inodded.“Ian,don’tworryaboutit.I’mgladyoucalled.Ican’timagineyou

tryingtodothisallonyourown.”HissmallsmileofgratitudewasallthethanksI

needed.

“WhatwereyougoingtosaybeforeIinterrupted?”heasked.

Ishuffledmyfeetonthecarpeting,diggingmybigtoeintotheplushfibers.“I

couldn’tsleep,”Iadmitted.

Henodded.“Meneither.I’mgladyou’reherewithme.Tonightwas

interesting,tosaytheleast.”

Iwatchedhislipsashespoke,rememberinghowfirmandsofttheywereat

thesametime.ThenImentallychastisedmyselfforthinkingaboutkissinghim

whenhewasclearlyupsetoverhissister.

“ButSophia’stough.She’llfareokay,”headded,hisposturerelaxingashe

leanedbackagainstthewall.

Okay,somaybehewasn’tthattornupafterall.Sophiawasabiggirl,andshe

wasnowinthebestpossibleplaceshecouldbe.Wehadtostaypositiveandhope

forthebest.

“Thetruthis,”hecontinued,“it’snoteasytosleepknowingthere’sabeautiful

womanjustdownthehall.Icouldn’tlivewithmyselfifIdidn’tatleasttry…”

Hishonestysurprisedme.Ashiswordshunginthespacebetweenus,Ian

broughthishandtomycheek,lightlycaressingmyskin.

Histouchawakenedaneedinme,oneI’dbeendesperatetosuppress,andI

leanedintohiswarmpalm.Histouchfeltsogood,soright,thatIstruggledto

comprehendwhyI’dbeenholdingmyselfbackfromthisforsolong.Istepped

closer.

Hisgazemovedbetweenmylipsandmyeyes.“WhataboutChris?”

“Whatabouthim?”

“He’syourboyfriend,MacKenzie.Shouldn’thebetheonetakingcareofyour

needs?”Histhumbbrushedlightlyalongmycheekbone,makingmedizzy.

Ishookmyhead,myboldgazenotstrayingfromhis.Ifonlyheknewthetruth.

“NotgettingenoughfromChris?”Ian’ssmirkwasplayful,buthiswordscut

straightthroughme.

“Wehaven’t…we’renot…”

OhdearGod,someonepleaseshutmeup.

“Waitasecond.”Hisbrowcrinkled.“You’renotfuckinghim?”

Iflinchedathiswords,whichcameoutharsh,likeanaccusation.“No.”

“Whythefucknot?”Hestraightened,andhishanddroppedawayfromme.

Ishrugged.“Ithasn’tfeltright.”

Idon’twantChris.

“Andthis?”Hemotionedbetweenus.

Onceagain,mygazelatchedontohisandrefusedtowander.

Iwantyou.

Aswrongasitwas,Icouldn’tflat-outlietohimagain.Ineededtotrytodeny

itandpushhimaway,butthewordsrefusedtoforminmymouth.

“Fuckit.”

Iancurledaroughpalmaroundthebackofmyneckandguidedmymouthto

his.Hislipsbarelybrushedagainstmine.Hisovertstrengthtookabackseat,and

thegentlenessofhistouchsurprisedme.Hishotbreathwhisperedacrossmyskin,

causinglittletinglesofheattocracklealongmyskinanddownmyspine,pooling

lowinmybelly.

Atinywhimperescapedmythroat.Ineededmore.Whenhistonguelightly

brushedagainstmylowerlip,Iopenedforhim.Histongueflickedalongmine,

dampeningmypantiesandsweepingawayallmygoodsense.

Sweetmemoriesofhistenderkissesandsure,stronghandsliftingmeflooded

mysenseswithoverwhelmingdesire.Thereverenceinhishoodedeyesashe

drankmeinlashedbackatmefrommysubconscious.Bloodrushedthroughmy

veins,andIwasdazedwiththeneedtogivein.Butyearsoffakinginnerstrength

rosetothesurfaceandIpulledadeep,shakybreathintomylungs,forcingmyself

toletitallgo.

Ianwasn’tthetypetomakeacommitment—fightingcamefirst.AndIliked

himenoughthatIwouldn’tgetinthewayofhischancetobreakintothepros.

“Ian…”Ibreathedhisname,andhislipsbrokefrommine.“Wecan’t,”I

whisperedweakly.

Henodded.

“Notrightnow,”Iexplained.“Youcan’tlosefocusonyourfight.”

Hiseyesdancedonmine.“Butafter?”

Everythinginsidemescreamedyes.ButIsuckedmylowerlipintomymouth

toavoidsayingsomethingstupid.

Henodded,andIthoughtIsawhopeinhiseyes.

Asilentpromisehungheavilyintheairbetweenus,andIknewwewereboth

thinkingthesamething.Wecouldn’tignorethisexplosivechemistrybetweenus

forever.

“Thisisn’tover,”hesaid,histonedirectandsure.

Istoodtheremotionlessasheswipedhisthumbacrossmybottomlipina

tendergesture,thenturnedawayanddisappearedintohisbedroom.

Holyfuck!Ireturnedtotheguestbedroomonshakylegs,mysoakedpanties

andracingheartremindingmeoftheverydangerousgameIwasplaying.

Thirty-Four

I

AN

Kenziewasmakingmelosemyfuckingshit.

Shecouldbesosweet.Thewayshesteppedinandfoundtheplacefor

Sophia,evengoingsofarastopackabagforherandinsistoncomingalongfor

thedrivetothetreatmentcenter.Andthenlateratmyplace,whensheletmehold

herandpullherinforthekiss,itfeltsorightthatIwassureshefeltittoo.Her

sweettasteandthehungerinhereyeswhenshelookedatme,thosewerethe

memoriesthatplayedinmyheadasIfinallyfellasleep.

Itwasn’tuntilthenextmorningthatIreallythoughtaboutwhatshe’dsaid.

Notrightnow.

Whythefucknot?Sure,shethoughtshewasadistraction,butbeingaway

fromherwassomuchworse.Igotup,threwonsomeshorts,andmarchedback

downthehalltotheguestbedroomtoconfronther.Iwasgoingtomakeher

understand.Wedidn’thavetowait.

Butthedoorhungopen,thebedwasmade,andshewasgone.Notevenahint

remainedthatshe’deverbeenhere.

WhenIgottothegym,MacKenziewasthere,butshewasneveralone.Ifshe

wasn’ttalkingwithoneoftheguys,Chriswashoveringsomewherenearby.

Duringourafternoonsession,Chrisseemedtobewatchingusthewholetime.

That,andshehadmedoingmyexerciseswithinearshotofseveraloftheother

guys,whichmadetalkingtoherimpossible.Whatreallyfuckedmeup,though,

washowcoldshe’dbecome.Itwassuchacompleteturnaroundfromtheway

she’dbeenthenightbefore,itwasdrivingmenuts.

“Threesetsoftwelvewiththesixties,please.”Hervoicewasmonotone.She

pointedattheweight,refusingtolookmeintheeyes.

IbentdownintoherlineofvisionasIpickeduptheweightandtriedtocatch

hereye,butsheavertedhergazeagain.

Sonofabitch.

Behindher,Chrisheadedintohisoffice.Wewerejustoutofsightoftheone-

waymirror,soItookadvantageoftheopportunity,shelvedtheweight,threw

Kenzieovermyshoulder,andheadedoutbacktothealley.

“Ian,putmedown,”shedemanded.“Whatareyoudoing?”Shetwistedand

squirmed,tryingtogetmetoreleaseher,butshewassosmallIcouldeasily

maintaincontrol.Herattemptswerefutile.Iwasgoingtogetheralonetotalkto

her,whethershewantedtoornot.

“Weneedtotalk,”IsaidasIkickedopenthebackdoorandsteppedoutside.

“Youcan’tdothis,it’skidnapping.Letmego,”shesaid,hervoicefilledwith

irritation.

Iheadedabitfartherdownthealleywaybeforefinallysettingherfeetonthe

ground.

Shestraightenedoutherclothes,thenputherhandsonherhips.Hergaze

dartedbrieflytomine,thenshefocusedherhatefulglareatthewallbehindme.

“There’snothingtotalkabout.”

“Don’tgivemethat.There’ssomethingbetweenus.Youfeelit;Iknowyou

do.Lastnightyousaidyoujustwantedtowaituntilmyfightwasover,butIdon’t

wanttowait.Becausewaitingforyouisaworsedistractionthanbeingwithyou

couldeverbe.BreakupwithChris.Idon’tcarewhathedoes.Hecanbeatthe

crapoutofme.Youdon’tlikehim;youdon’tevenwanttofuckhim.”Ipaused,

takingadeepbreathtocalmmyself.“ButyouandIbothknowthat’snotthecase

withme.Youwantme.Iseeitinyoureyes.”

MacKenzielookeddownatthegroundandshookherhead.“No,Idon’t.”Her

responsewasalmostawhisper,butherwordsstung.

Shecouldn’tmeanthem.Isteppedcloserandliftedherchin.Hereyesdarted

around,onlymeetingminebriefly.Whatwasshehiding?

“Bullshit,”Isaid,barelykeepingmyvoiceundercontrol.“What’schanged?”

“What?”

“Youheardme.What’schanged?LastnightwhenIkissedyou,youkissed

back.Yousaidwehadtowaituntilmyfightwasover.NowI’msayingIdon’t

wanttowait.Ican’twait.Ineedyounow.Andyouwon’tevenlookmeintheeye.

So,whathaschanged?”

“Ian,I’msorryaboutlastnight.Iwishithadn’thappenedthatway,butyou

havetoremember,Iwasexhausted.We’dbeendrivingallnight,andIjustwasn’t

thinkingclearly.”Hereyesliftedtomine,andtheywerefilledwithpain.

Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tbelieveyou.”

“It’sthetruth.IwanttobewithChris,andyouhavetoletme.Iwasweaklast

night.Islipped.Itwon’thappenagain.”

“Butwhy?”God,ifshereallydidwanttobewithhim,ofcourseIwouldlet

her,butIcouldn’tseeit.Therewasnowayhewasrightforher.

“Chrisisagoodguy.He’ssomeone…”MacKenziepausedandswallowed.

“Someonewhowouldstickaround,andmakeagoodhusbandoneday.”She

lookedaway,thendroppedhergazetotheground.

Irubbedmyhandovermyhair.Whatshesaidalmostmadesense,butI

wasn’tbuyingit.

“Youwantme.”Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,cuppedherfaceinmy

hands,andkissedherlipsgently.Shedidn’tpullaway,butshedidn’tkissmeback

either.Instead,asmallsobescaped,andIpulledawaytoseetearsescapingher

closedeyes.

Shit.WhatthefuckwasIdoing?Ididn’twantthis.Ididn’twanttohurtthis

girl.Notever.

Itookastepbackandliftedmyhandsinapology.“I’msorry.”

“Idon’t…”MacKenzie’svoiceshook,andshetookabreath.“Idon’tthink

youneedoursessionsanymore.Yourshoulderisfullyhealed.You’vebeen

fightingatfullstrengthforaweeknow.”

Sheswallowed,wipedhereyes,thenturnedandheadeddownthealley.

Thirty-Five

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Iwasoneseriousbasketcase.Ihatedmyselfsomuchitmademesick.

FallingintoIan’sarmsthatnightfeltsoright,butitwassuchastupidthingto

do.Andsoweak.I’dslippedup,almostlettinghimknowhowIfelt,openingthe

doorforhimtogetdistracted.Hewassoagitated,Ithoughthewouldmarchright

intothegymandtellChrisaboutus.Butifhe’ddonethat,Chrissurelywouldhave

pulledhimfromthefight.

Ianhadbeenclearedbythedoctortostartsparringagain,butChrisstill

wasn’tsurehe’dbeready.Thatmorningheinformedmethathe’darrangedfor

JonahtocomewithustoVegas,justincasehehadtopullIanfromthefight.

Icouldn’thavethat.

WhichwaswhyIneededtobestrong.IfIancouldn’tkeepthedistance

betweenusintheweekandahalfleadinguptothefight,Iwouldhavetobethe

onetotakecareofit.Ididn’tlikehavingtostopourphysicaltherapysessions,but

Icouldnolongertrustmyselfwithhim.Andinallhonesty,hewasbacktofull

strength.Wecouldhavestoppedworkingtogetherseveraldaysbefore,butIwas

tooselfish.Iwantedmoretimewithhim.

Thathadtostop.

SowhenIlefthiminthealley,Iwentbackinside,cleanedmyselfupinthe

bathroom,andheadedtotheofficetofindChris.Onmywayacrossthegym,

Blondie,thegirlI’dseenhimwiththeotherday,wasexitingtheoffice.

Shesawmeandchangedcoursetointerceptme,thenpausednexttome.“You

maythinkChrisisyoursbut,honey,he’sbeenhavinghismealselsewhere.Soon

enough,he’llbemine.”Onceshe’ddroppedherlittlebombshell,shesmirkedand

continuedtherestofthewaytothefrontdoor.

Toobadforherthatherthreatdidn’thavetheintendedreaction.Myheart

belongedtosomeoneelse,soitwasonlyfittingthatChris’sdidtoo.

IwassobusywatchingBlondie’sexitthatIbumpedrightintoChris.“Oof.

Sorry,”Isaid.

“Hey,babe.Howdidphysicaltherapygo?WasIancooperativetoday?”

“Fine,”Isaid.“He’sdoingreallywell.Sowell,infact,thathegraduated.He

doesn’thavetodothoseexercisesanymore.Hecanusethetimetofocusonother

things.”

Atthatmoment,Ianwalkedbackinthefrontdoorofthegym.Whenhiseyes

foundChrisandme,helookedawayandliftedahandtokneadthebackofhis

neck.

Obviouslyhefeltresponsibleformakingmecry.Ihatedthathefeltthatway,

buttherewasnothingIcoulddotochangeit.Heneededtothinkwewereover,

andthattherewasnochanceofuseverhappening.Heneededtofocusonhealing

andhisfightinVegas.Besides,we’dneverworkanyhow,andI’dendupwith

evenmoreofabrokenheartthanIhadnow.

IslippedmyhandintoChris’sandgotuponmytiptoes,givinghimapeckon

thecheek,thenglancedovertomakesureIanwaswatching.Bythewayhisjaw

tightened,itwassafetoassumehewasdefinitelywatching.

Christurnedtofacemeandgavemeawetkissonthelips.“Ithoughtyou

didn’tlikePDAatwork.Whatwasthatfor?”Hesmiled.

Iforcedmyselftosmileback.

I

AN

ApparentlyKenzienevertoldChrisaboutthenightshespentinmyguestroom.I

knewthisbecauseChrisdidn’tbeatmesenselessthenextday,thewayhe

probablyshouldhavefortryingtomoveonhisgirl.ThecoldshoulderIreceived

fromKenziethroughtherestofmytrainingleadinguptothefightwassomuch

worse.IwouldhavetakenabeatingfromChrisifitmeantIcouldhavestolen

anothermomentwithKenzie.Butshemadeitclearwithheremotionlessstares

thatweweredone.

HerdevotiontoChriswasmakingmeinsane.Howcouldshewanttobewith

someoneshewasn’tevensureshewantedtofuck?Thatdayatmyhomegym,

whenIhadherfoldedinhalf,wetasfuckandbeggingforit,keptresurfacingin

mymind.She’dbeenmineforthetaking,offeringherselftome.

WhathadshesaidaboutChris?Ithasn’tfeltright.Butforsomeinsane

reason,sherefusedtogiveuponhim,onthem.

Watchingherwithsomeoneelse,evenifitwassomeoneshechose,didthings

tome.EverytimeChriskissedher,Ipunchedharder,kickedfaster,andpushed

myselffurtherthanIhadbefore.Maybetheonlybenefitofherrefusingtobewith

mewasthatIwasredoublingmytrainingeffort.

ThethoughtofKenzie,myKenzie,withsomeoneelsetormentedme.Itfilled

mewithanoverwhelmingragethatIcouldonlyrelievebypounding,ripping,and

kickingtheshitoutofmysparringpartners.Andtheywerefeelingit;Icouldseeit

intheireyes,thefear.Thesmallerguyswouldn’tworkwithme,soIwasleftwith

Jonahandseveralguysintheweightclassaboveme.EvenJonahwasgetting

bruisedinpractice.Buthelovedthefightsomuch,hewouldshakeitoffandcome

backformore.HeandChrisworkedwithmealldayondifferentmovesandlast-

minutetechniques.

WhenIwenthome,Ithrewmyselfintowatchingandre-watchingmy

opponent’soldfights.Iate,breathed,andcrappedfightvideos.Iwassickof

watchingthesamefightsoverandover;Ihadthemmemorized.Iknewallhis

moves.ButIcontinuedtowatchthemintheoddchanceIwouldseesomething

newIhadn’tseenthefirsteightytimesI’dwatchedthem.That,andtheywerethe

onlywaytostiflethoughtsofKenzie.

ItwasonlythroughmydedicationtothefightthatImadeitthroughthenext

weekandahalfwithouther.Whenthefightwasover,Iwasn’tsurehowI’d

fuckingdeal.

Thirty-Six

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Thenexttendayswerehard.ItriedtostayawayfromIan,buthewastrainingat

thegymallthetime,andIstillneededmypaychecktomakerent,soIcouldn’t

leave.Instead,ItriedtomakesurehesawmewithChrisasmuchaspossible.

I’dbeenworriedChriswouldtakemynewaffectionandtrytopushour

relationshiptothenextlevel.Thankfully,hehadtoomuchtodo.Ifhewasn’t

coachingIan,hewasonthephonewithsponsorsorthefightorganization,working

onallthelast-minutedetails.Imadesuretoconstantlypointouthowmuch

strongerIanhadgotten,andthathewasmorethanreadytowin.

Stilltherewasonepartoffightpreparationthatworriedthecrapoutofme—

cuttingweight.Beforethefight,Ianhadtoreducehisweightbytwentypounds,

whichwassomethingallthefightersdid.Buttheydiditinsuchashortamountof

timethatitmadethenurseinmecringe,andthepartofmethatcaredforIanwant

tocry.

Ihadtositbackandwatchashesweatedanddehydratedhimselfthelastfew

daysleadinguptothefightsothathewouldbeabletohitthecorrectweightfor

hisfightingclassatweigh-in.

Bythetimeweboardedtheplane,hewassoshakythatJonahhadtohelphim

puthisluggageintheoverheadbin.MyeyesfixedonIanashegrabbedtheback

oftheseatinfrontofhimandslowlyloweredhimselfintotheaisleseat.

“He’llbefine,sweetie,”Chrissaid,pullingmyattentionaway.“He’sbeen

throughthisbefore.”Hechuckledasifitwasnobigdeal,butIhadabittertastein

mymouthandmystomachwasallcrampedup.“Youdon’tmindifItakethe

windowseat,doyou?”heasked.“It’seasierformetosleeponthatside,andI

wanttotrytogetanapinontheflight.”Heslidin,takingtheseatwithoutwaiting

formetorespond.

Isighedandshookmyhead.Itwasmyfirsttimeonaplane,andIwouldhave

likedtoseewhatitwasliketakingoff,butIdidn’tfeellikearguing.Besides,

Chriswaspayingforthetrip.Ihadsetasideafewhundreddollarsforspending

cash,butwouldn’tbehereifhehadn’tpaidformyairfareandhotel.

ItooktheaisleseatnexttoChris,andheliftedupthearmrestbetweenus.

Puttinghisarmaroundme,hepulledmeclose.“SorryIhaven’tbeenableto

spendmoretimewithyou,Kenzie.”Hekissedme.“Ipromisewe’llbeableto

spendmoretimetogetheroncewegetIanallsetupforthefight.”

Hefoldedmeintohisarms,forcingmyheadintohisshoulder,whichwas

drenchedincologne.Myalmostconstantstressheadacheworsenedandmy

stomach,whichhadbeenactingupforthepastseveralweeks,gurgled.Itwould

bealongflight.

Itwasn’tuntiltheplanehadtakenoff,andChrispulledthewindowshadeto

getsomesleep,thatIwasfinallyabletofreemyselffromhisgrasp.Whenthe

seatbeltsignpingedoff,Igotupandheadedforthebathroom.Notjusttogetaway

fromChris,butbecausemystomachissueswerethreateningtoturnthecorner

aftertherollercoasterofemotioncombinedwiththemotionoftheplaneat

takeoff.

Imadeittothebathroomjustintime.Latchingthedoor,Iflippedtheseatup

onthetoilet,pulledmyhairback,andletmylunchbackoutthesamewayithad

comein.

Afterward,Iwashedmyfaceinthesmallsinkandlookedatmyselfinthe

mirror.Iwasamess.Myfacewaspaleandmyhairwasagnarl-fest.Iranmy

fingersthroughmyhairandconsoledmyself.AtleastnowIwouldn’tbelyingto

ChriswhenItoldhimIwastoosicktogoouttonight.

Ifrowned.Thefightwasthedayaftertomorrow.Ijustneededtomakeit

throughtwomoredays,thenIcouldbedonewiththiswholemess.Icouldbreak

upwithChris,findanewjob,andforgetaboutthemanwho’dstolenmyheart.

Lovewastoodangerousagame.I’dknownthatmyentirelife,butsomehow

theselastfewmonths,I’dforgottenit.Ineededtobestrong.

Ipulledthelatchonthedoorandsliditopen,andwasshockedtofindIan

standingjustoutside.

“Isawyourushbackhere.Areyouokay?”

FullyawarethatI’djustthrownupandhadnoaccesstoatoothbrush,I

coveredmymouth.“I’mfine,”Isaidthroughmyfingers.

“Youdon’tlookfine,”hesaid,pullingmyhandawayfrommyfacesothathe

couldsee.“You’repale.”Hisgazedarteddowntheaisletoourseats,thenheput

hishandonmyshoulder.“Justsitdownforaminute.”Heguidedmetoanopen

seatafewrowsdown,andsquattednexttome.

Ihadn’tfeltdizzy,butsittingdownfeltreallygoodjustthen.Imighthave

beenalittlewoozy.“I’mfine,”Iprotested.BecauseevenifIwasn’t,Iandidn’t

needtoknow.We’dbeendoingagoodjobofstayingapartsofar.Noneedtoruin

thatnow.Iwassoclosetothefinishline.

Hebrushedmyhairbackbehindmyear,makingashiverrushdownmyface

andneck.Butthentheplanehitabitofturbulence,andhestumbledandgrabbed

theseat’sbackforsupport.Hisarmshook,remindingmeofthefrailstatehewas

in.

“Don’tworryaboutme,”Isaid.“Youshouldberesting.You’retheonewho’s

alldehydrated.”IstoodupandtriedtomakehimtakethesameseatI’djust

vacated.

“Nonsense,”hesaid.

“Lookatyou,you’reshaking.I…”Myvoicewavered.“Youneedwater.”

“Kenzie.”Hisvoicewascalmandsoothing,andheonceagainputahandon

myshoulder.“IfIdon’tmakethecorrectweight,Ican’tfight.Youknowthat.

Besides,Idothisbeforeallthefights.I’llbefine.”

Ilookedathimagain.Hewasstillthesametall,strongIanI’dalwaysknown.

Despitethat,somethingabouthisposturemademewantedtotakehiminmyarms

andholdhim.Iwantedtocareforhimwhilehewentthroughthisinsanebitof

self-torture,butIcouldn’t.Ineededtobestrong,soIballedupmyfists.

“Fine,”Isaid.“Butdon’twasteyourenergyworryingaboutme.”Myvoice

cameoutharsh.Ianneededtofocusonhisfight,notme.

Iturnedawayandheadedbackdowntheaisle.Iwantedhimtohavehisfight,

andIwantedhimtowin.Allthisself-sacrificecouldn’tbefornothing.

I

AN

I’dbeentoVegascountlesstimesbefore,oftenenoughtoseefights,butthiswas

thefirsttimeIwasgoingtobetheoneinthecage.Iwassopumped,myheartfelt

likeitbeattriple-timeontheflightthere.Thatcombinedwiththephysicalstrain

ofsweatingandavoidingliquidstocutweightmademeatotalwreck.

Still,IseemedtobetheonlyonewhonoticedwhenKenzieranofftothe

restroomassoonastheseatbeltsignwasturnedoff.BothChrisandJonahhad

managedtopassout,soeventhoughI’dbeengettingthestink-eyefromKenziefor

thepastweek—eversinceIconfrontedher—Iwentbacktocheckonher.

She’dlookedfrailanddelicate.Somuchsothatittookeverythinginmeto

notfoldherinmyarmsandholdher.Ofcourse,shedeniedanythingwaswrong

andtriedtoturnitaroundonme,makingitaboutmyhealth.Thatwassolikeher.

Shewouldn’tletmehelp,andturnedawayfromme,stormingbacktoherseat.

Aftereverythingwe’dbeenthrough,Istillwantedher.Iknewweweremeant

tobetogether,butshewaswearingmedown,soI’dpromisedmyselftonotthink

aboutituntilafterthefight.ApromiseIdefinitelycouldnotkeep.

Itwasmidnightlocaltimewhenwelanded.Still,whenwegottothehotel,I

wasnowhereneartired.

“Thisway,”Chrissaidastheelevatordoorsopenedtoourfloor.Chrisled

thewaywithhisluggageandKenziefollowedhim,wheelinghersmallsuitcase.

“AreyousureIcan’tcarrythatforyou,Kenzie?”Iasked.

I’dofferedtocarryitforherearlier,butChrishadgivenmeaweird,almost

bitterlook.Iwasn’tsurehowhecouldbemadifhewasn’tgoingtomanupand

helpouthisgirlfriend.Iswear,ifhedidn’tstartbeingmoreattentivetoKenzie,I

wouldpunchhim.

“No,it’sfine.I’vegotit.”Shesmiledpolitely.

“Thisisus,”Chrissaid.Heslidinthekeycardandopenedthedoor.

Ihadn’tintendedtoeavesdrop,butmyroomwasonlyafewdoorsdown.AsI

searchedmypocketsformyownkeycard,Icouldhearthemtalking.

“Thisismyroom?”MacKenziesaid.

Mypulsequickened.Weretheystayinginseparaterooms?

“Thisisoursuite,”Chrissaid.

Deflated,IlocatedmykeycardandwasabouttoletmyselfinwhenIheard

Kenziesay,“IthoughtyousaidIwouldgetmyownroom.”

Iputmykeycardbackinmypocketandpretendedtocontinuetosearch.Did

shereallydemandseparaterooms?Myheartpoundedwithmyelevatedpulse.If

shewasn’tgoingtofuckhim,whythehellwasshestillwithhim?

“Don’tworry,mylittleKenzie,”Chrissaid.“Ididn’tforgetourdeal.You

haveyourownroom.”

“Butyoujustsaid—”

“Thisisoursuite.Mybedroomisononeside,andyoursis—”

ThedoorclosedbehindthemandIcouldnolongerhear.ButI’dheard

enough.ThiswholetimeKenziehadbeengivingmethecoldshoulderandmaking

methinkshewasgettingclosertoChris.Butitwasaloadofshit.Theystillhadn’t

fucked.

Maybetherewasstillhopeforusafterall.

JusthowthefuckwasIsupposedtofocusonthefight?

Thirty-Seven

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Asweheadeduptoourfloorinthehotelelevator,Istartedtofeelsickagain.

BeingwithChriswaswearingonme.Big-time.

TheunsettledfeelinginmystomachonlyintensifiedwhenChrisshowedme

theroomingsituation.“Mybedroomisoverthere.”Hepointedatoneofthedoors

thatledoffthefrontroomofoursuite.“Andyourbedroomisoverthere.”

Hesmiledproudlyaspanicfilledme.Icouldmanagethenextfewdayswith

Chris,goingoutondatesandputtinghimoff.ButIwasn’tsureIcouldhandle

sharingaroomwithhim.WhichwaswhyIthoughtwe’dagreedonseparate

rooms.

“I…”Isearchedforwordsthatwouldn’tmakemesoundlikeIwasfreaking

attheideaofbeingalonewithhim.“We…”

Crap.Icouldn’tfindthewords.Iwassoupset,butIdidn’twanthimtoget

angry.He’dbroughtJonahwithus,almostasifhestillwasn’tsurethatIanwas

readyforthefight.He’dneversaiditagainoutright,butitstillfeltlikeIan’s

participationinthefightsomehowhingedonmystayingwithChris.IfIexploded

onhimnow,hemightjustpullIan.

“Okay,”Isaid.

Thelivingareaofoursuitehadfloor-to-ceilingmirrorsontwowalls,black

faux-leatherfurniture,aswellasblacklaminate-coveredparticleboardendtables.

Allthatcombinedwiththeminibarmadetheroomscreamcheapstripperparty.

AlthoughthiswasVegas,somakethatcheaphookerparty.

Thethoughtmademyskincrawl,andIsuddenlywonderedifIhadenough

energytotakeashower.Itookadeepbreathandheadedovertocheckoutmy

room.Islidthedooropen,notingthattheroomwastinyandonlycontainedabed

andasmallcloset.Iputmybagonthebed.Atleasttherewasnostripperpole.

Chrisfollowedmeandleanedagainstthedoorway.“Getyourselfsettledand

cleanedup,orwhatever,thenwe’llgograbadrinkatthebar.”

“Chris,Idon’tfeelwell.IthinkIneedtojustcrash,”Isaid.

Helookedatme.“Hmm.Yeah,Iguessyoudon’tlooktoogood.It’slate.We

canalwaysgoouttomorrow.”

“Soundsgood.”

Chrisheadedbacktowardhisroom,andIslidthedoorclosedsothatIcould

getreadyforbed.Therewasnolock.NotthatIdidn’ttrustChris,hewasalways

agentleman,butIneededaroomthatwasjustminewhereIcouldlockouttherest

oftheworld.Oneplacethatwassafefromeverything,andminealone.

Ididn’thavethat.

Twomorenights.Icouldgetthroughthis.

Couldn’tI?

Thirty-Eight

I

AN

Iwasrunningonadrenalineandcouldn’tsleepatallthatnight.IfIwasn’tbusy

forcingthoughtsofKenzieoutofmymind,Iwasrushingthroughfightscenarios.

Mybrainabsolutelyrefusedtocalmdownenoughtoletmesleep.

Thenextdayafterweigh-in,Ispentagoodpartoftheeveningrehydratingand

carb-loading.Evenafterahugemeal,Istillcouldn’tfindsleep,soImetChris,

Kenzie,andJonahfordrinksatthebar.Hell,evenifIcouldn’tdrink,maybeI

couldcatchacontactbuzz.

Atthebar,Ifeltinstantlymoreatease.IthelpedthatKenziewaslooking

better.Shehadsomecolorinhercheeks,thoughpartofthatmighthavehadtodo

withthefactthatshewasonhersecondglassofwine.

“How’syourroom?”IaskedChris.

“It’sbig,”hesaid.“We’llneedtothrowyouanafter-partytherewhenyou

wintomorrow.”HeputhisarmaroundKenziewhenhesaid“we”asifheowned

her.

Possessivebastard.Itriednottoletitgettome,butmyshoulderstensed.

She’smine.

MyeyesdartedtoKenzie.Sheseemedsad,butsheforcedasmilewhenChris

lookedather,thentookanothersipofwine.

Chrisflaggeddownawaitress.“Anotherround.”

Ahandgrabbedmyshoulder,makingmejumpandlookbehindme.Atall,

slenderwomanwithlongdarkhairandwearingaskintightlittleblackdress

lookeddownatme.

“Hello,handsome.”Herhandtrailedupmyneckandlightlybrushedthrough

myhair.Shesteppedcloser,archingherbacksothathertitswereonlyinches

frommyface.

Notsubtleatall.

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Therewereprostitutesinmyneighborhoodbackhome.Thebulkofthemwere

addictsmakingmoneytofeedtheirhabit.TheonewhoapproachedIanwas

nothinglikethem.Shewasbeautiful.Whichshouldn’thavebotheredme;afterall,

I’dbeenpushinghimawaysolongthathehadtothinkIwasn’tinterested.

Still,Ididn’tlikeanyonepropositioningIan.ItmademesoupsetthatImight

haveincreasedmywineconsumptionjustabit.

Ianlookedupatherwhensheapproached.“Hi,”hesaidinalowvoice.

“Youguyswannaparty?”sheasked.

Ianlookedoveratme.Heseemedtobeconsideringsomething,butIcouldn’t

readthelookonhisface.Finally,heturnedbacktoher.“Sorry,notinterested.”

SheturnedtoJonah.“Icouldfindafriendifyouwannadouble-date.”

Jonahsmiled,butdidn’tsayanything.

Nextsheturnedtome.Iwasunabletohidemydisapprovalofherlifestyle

choice,andshecouldseeitinmyface.Shesmirkedatmeandsaid,“Orwecould

allpartyifyourgirlherewantstojoinin.”HergazedriftedtoChris.

IthoughtforasecondthatChriswasconsideringit,buthealsosaidnothing.

“We’renotinterested,”Iansaid,hisvoicestilllow.

“Yousure,honey?BecauseI’dgiveyouagooddeal.”Herfocusflowed

downIan’sbodyasifundressinghimwithhereyes.Ifoughttheurgetotellherto

backoff.

Iansmiledandshookhishead.“LikeIsaid.Notinterested.”

ShegaveIanonelastlookbeforechucklingtoherselfandwalkingaway.

Chriswatchedhergo.“Youandyourno-sexrule.”Heshookhishead.“You

knowit’snotproventhatabstinencemakesyouabetterfighter.”

IlookedatIan,wonderingifwhatChriswassayingwastrue.I’djust

assumeditwas.

Iantookaswigofhiswater.“Ithasn’tbeendisproveneither.Theno-sex

thingworksforme.That’sallthatmatters.”

Chrissmiled.“I’mjustsaying,maybeyoushouldhaveaskedherhowmuch

thediscountwasbeforeyousentheraway.”

Ianforcedasmile.Hetookadeepbreath,finishedhisbottleofwater,and

said,“Well,guys,Ithinkthat’sitforme.I’vegottatrytogetsomefuckin’sleep.”

“Metoo,”Jonahsaid,finishingoffhisbeerinonegulp.“I’llheadupwith

you.”

Ifinishedoffmysecondglassofwineandorderedanother.ChrisandIspent

anotherhourorsointhebar,andbythetimewegotuptoheadbacktoourroom,I

wasdefinitelybuzzed.

BuzzedenoughtoletChrissliphisarmsaroundmywaistandholdmeclose

tohimintheelevator.Iletmyheadrestonhischestaswewentupinsilence.

Whentheelevatorpingedonourfloor,IrealizedI’dbeenimaginingChriswas

Ian.Somethingwhichmademelaughfornoapparentreason.

“What’ssofunny?”Chrissaidasweheadeddownthehall.Hestopped

suddenly.“Oh,damn.Isthattheprostitute?”Helaughedintohisfistlikehewas

tryingtoholdback.

Ifollowedhisgazedownthehall.Sureenough,Ianwasstandingatthedoor

ofhisroomwearingnothingbuthisboxers,handingtheprostitutefromthebara

wadofbills.Tearswelledinmyeyesandmypulseraced.Whatthe…?Noway.

Theprostitutebrushedherfingertipsdownhisbarechest,thenpattedhimon

thecheek.

Myfeetdidn’twanttomove,butChrisguidedmetothedoorofourroom.

“Comeon.They’rebothconsentingadults.”Hepulledoutthekeycardtooursuite

andopenedthedoor.

Iwantedtoturnback,rundownthehall,anddemandthatIantellmewhy.

Whywouldhesleepwithsomeprostituteafterallwe’dbeenthroughtogether,and

afterallthecraphe’dsaidabouttheno-sexrule.Whywasitokaynow?

ButIcouldn’t,becauseChriswasright.Theywerebothconsentingadults.

Thefactwas,IhadpushedIanaway.Ihadnorighttothefeelingsofbetrayaland

painthatbrewedinsideme.Still,thatdidn’tmakeithurtanyless.Iwantedtocurl

intoaballanddie.Myhearthadjustbeencrushed.

IfollowedChrisintotheroom.Ashewenttothebarandpouredmeanother

glassofwineandhimselfashot,Isatdownonthecouch,feelingdazed,and

completelyempty.

Chrishandedmethewineandsatdown,thenputanarmaroundmeand

pulledmeclose.Realizinghewaslookingatmeexpectantly,Iforcedarelaxed

expressionandtookasipofmywine.

AlthoughIwaslookingatChris,inmymindIstillsawIanpayingthat

woman.Theonewhopossessivelydrewherhanddownhisbarechest.Anguish

washedovermeandfilledmesocompletelythatIbecamenumb.I’dbeenwaiting

thiswholetime,puttingChrisoff,andkiddingmyselfintothinkingthatoncethe

fightwasover,Ianwouldtakemeback.Thatwewouldbetogether,finally,in

everysenseoftheword.Butafterseeinghimwiththatwoman,IknewIdidn’t

meananythingtoIan.

Itdidn’tmatteranymoreifIstayedawayfromChris.Infact,maybeIshould

sleepwithChris.MaybethatwasallIneededtomakeacleanbreakfromIan.

Mullingitover,Itookanothersipofwine.

“It’ssogoodtofinallyhaveyoualone,”hesaid.

Chris’sbreathsmelledlikemouthwashandwhiskey.Helookedintomyeyes

and,eventhoughitdidn’tfeelright,Itoldmyselfitdidn’tmatter,soItriedto

smile.

Heleanedinandkissedme,hislipscoldandwet,thenrotatedhistongue

aroundminethesamewayhealwaysdid.Itwassopracticedanddesperatethatit

mademefeelbadforhim.TherewasnowayIcouldgetintoit,butIresigned

myselftotryingtoletgoandjustseeingwhathappened.Maybeitwouldhelpme

forget.

Heslidhishandstomybreastsandgrabbedthem,squeezingthemtightly.

Whenhisfingersdugpainfullyintome,Ipulledback.

“Ouch,”Isaid.

“Sorry.”

Heloosenedhisgraspalittle,butitstillfeltallwrong.Notonlywashe

awkwardassin,buthedidabsolutelynothingforme.Therewasn’tenoughwine

intheworldtomakesexwithChrisgood.ItwassomethingImighthaveworked

withhimon,ifIactuallylikedhim,butthetruthwasthatIdidn’t.He’dbeencivil

tome,butIwasn’tattractedtohim.Andtherewasthelittleissuethathewasn’t

faithfultome.

MaybeIdidneedawaytomakeacleanbreakfromIan,butthiswasn’tit.

“Sorry,Chris.I’mnotready.”Ipulledaway.

“Sure,youare.We’vebeendatingformonthsnow.Iknowyou’renovirgin.”

Hegrabbedmyhips,pullingthemtowardhis.

“Yes,but…”Itriedtopullaway,butheheldmefirm.“I’mnotfeelingwell.”

“You’vebeensayingthatforweeks.”Heleanedinagainandkissedmeashe

pushedmebacksothatIwaslyingonthesofa.FearroseupinmeandIsobered

upalmostinstantly.Hegrabbedmywristsandstartedpushinghiswaybetween

mylegs.

Shit,wasthisactuallyhappening?

“No,Chris.”Myfight-or-flightinstinctkickedinandIstartedstruggling

againsthim.

“Chill,Kenzie,”hesaid.Buthedidn’tletgoofme,insteadkeepingmefirmly

pinnedtothecouch.Hishandscircledmywristssotightlyithurt.

“Isaidno!”Icontinuedtostrugglebutcouldn’tbudgehimoffme,andtears

welledupinmyeyes.Chrishadbeenafighter,andIwasnomatchforhim.

Theself-defensemovesIanandIhadworkedoncamefloodingback,andI

instantlywenttoworktwistingmybodyinthewayIanhadshownme.Chris

continuedtoholdmyarmsdown,butIwedgedmylegsupbetweenusandused

thestrengthinmythighstopushhimawayjustlongenoughtograbholdofhis

hands,raisemylegs,andusehisfaceasakickingbag.

IkickedandkickedashardasIcould.Imusthavekickedhimeightornine

timesbeforehefinallypulledaway.

“Youfuckingbitch.”Chrisfellbackonthefloor,holdinghisnose.

Frantic,Ijumpedupfromthecouchandranoutofthesuite,followingthe

signstotheexit.Ifoundthestairwellandstartedrunningdownthestairs,taking

themthreeatatime.Myeyesblurredwithtears,andIwhimperedasIrandown

severalflights,thenstoppedshort.

WherewasIgoing?Icouldn’tstopcrying,andtherewasnowayIwasgoing

towalkthroughacasinohotellobby,bawlingmyassoff.

Iwantedtogohome,butmywalletwasintheroomwithChris.NotthatIhad

enoughmoneyintheretobuymyselfaplanetickethome.Ofcourse,Icouldcall

Alexaandaskhertoloanmethemoney,butmyphoneandhernumberwereinthe

roomwithChris.

IanhadhisfighttomorrowsoIdidn’twanttobotherhim,butshortof

sleepinginthisstupidstairwell,itseemedliketheonlyoption.HehadCade’s

number.IcouldgetintouchwithAlexathatway,andmaybeIcouldstillgetoutof

heretonight.

Imademywaybackupthestepstoourfloorandsilentlycreptdownthehall

toIan’sroom.AlthoughI’dmanagedtostopcrying,myheartbeatrapidly.Ididn’t

likebeingbackonthesamefloorwithChris.

AsIknockedonIan’sdoor,Ikeptaneyeonthedoortothesuite.

Thirty-Nine

I

AN

Fuck!

I’djuststartednoddingofftosleepwhensomeoneknockedonmydoor.Ilay

inbedsilently.MaybeifIignoredthefirstknock,theywouldgoaway.Butthen

therewasanother,thisonemorefrantic.

“What?”IgrowledasIshotupandstormedovertothedoor,noteven

botheringtolookthroughthepeephole,becausewhoeveritwashadknockedon

thewrongdamndoor,andIwasgoingtogivethemapieceofmymind.“Where’s

thefuckingfi—”

IyankedopenthedoortofindKenzie,who’dobviouslybeencrying.She

shrankbackfrommyrage.

Shit!

“Kenz,I’msorry.What’swrong?Areyouokay?Where’sChris?”

MymindracedasIscannedherfromheadtotoe.Shedidn’tlookphysically

hurt,buthereyeswereredandtearfilledandherlipsquivered,andsheheld

herselfsosmallassheshivered.Shestillworethecutedressshe’dwornearlier,

butshewasbarefoot.InstantlyIwantedtotakeherinmyarmsandprotecther

fromwhateverhadhappened.

ButIknewbetterthantotrytoholdheragain.She’dmadeitveryclearthat

shewantednothingtodowithme.SoinsteadIburiedmyintenseneedtoholdher,

tookadeepbreath,andasked,“Whereareyourshoes?”

Shelookeddownatherfeetslowlyasifshehadn’trealizedshewas

barefoot.“They’rewithmyphoneandmywallet.”

Ididn’tunderstand.“Didsomeonestealyourwallet,phone,andshoes?”

“CanIcomein,please?”Hervoicewasashakywhisper.

Inoddedandwavedherinside,checkingthehallwaytomakesurewhoever

orwhateverhadmadeherthiswaywasn’toutthere.ThenIshutthedoorand

guidedhertothesmallseatingareainmyroom.

“Where’sChris?”Iaskedagainwhenwewerebothseatedonthecouch.

Sheshookherheadbutdidn’tsayanything,insteadlookingatthefloor.I

searchedhereyesforthestrongKenzieIknew,butshe’dbeenrippedapart.My

instinctstoprotectherwereoverwhelming.Everymuscleinmybodytensed.I

wouldbekickingtheshitoutofsomeone,ifshecouldjusttellmewhathappened

andwhoIwasgoingtomurderformakingherlookthisbroken.

Iputmyhandsonhershouldersandmadeherlookatme.“Listen,Kenzie.

You’rescaringme.Ican’thelpyouifyoudon’ttellmewhathappened.”

“Nothing,”shewhimpered,thenfellintomyarmsandbegantocry.

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundher.Itfeltsorightholdingherinmyarms—how

couldthispossiblybewrong?Ishouldbetheonehereforher.Iheldhergently

andletherweep.Herbreathmixedwithtearswarmedmybarechest,andmy

heartfuckingachedforthiswoman.Howcouldanyonehurther?

Nothinghappened?Bullshit.Mymindracedthroughthepossiblescenarios,

allofwhichendedwithmemurderingsomeoneincoldblood.

“Areyouhurt?”Iasked.

“No.”Shekeptherfaceburiedinmychest.

Iranmyhandgentlyoverhersofthair,thenrealizedIshouldn’tandpulledmy

handaway.Chrisshouldbeholdingherlikethis,comfortingher.Ifthatwaswho

shereallywantedtobewith.Wherethehellwashe?

“IsChrisokay?”

Shedidn’tanswerrightaway.“Itoldyou,nothinghappened,”shesaidtomy

chest.

Maybethatwasit.MaybeshehadfinallybrokenitoffwithChris.God,ifthat

weretrue…

ButIcouldn’tfeelhappyaboutthat,notifbreakingupwithhimhurtherthis

much.No,ifthatwaswhathappened,ithaddestroyedher.AndIcouldneverbe

happyaboutthat.Besides,Ihadnowayofknowingwhathappenedbecauseshe

wouldn’tfuckingtalk.

Isighed.Icouldn’tmakehertalkrightnow;shewastooupset.SoIheldher

andshecriedsoftlyinmyarmsforawhile.Whenshe’dfinallycalmeddown,she

pulledawayandsatup.

“Sorry,”shesaid.Shewipedatherface,tryingtoremovethetracesoftears,

andIgotheratissue.

“Thanks.”Shedabbedathereyes.

“CanIgetyouawateroranything?”

Shenodded.“CanIborrowyourphone?”

“Yeah.”Igrabbedherabottleofwaterfromtheminifridgeandmyphone

fromthenightstand,handingthembothtoher.

Kenziescrolledthroughmyphone.“IjustneedtocallCadeandgetAlexa’s

number,thenI’llgetoutofyourhair.”

Forty

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Damnit.Ihadn’tmeanttofallapartlikethatinfrontofIan.Theplanwasjustto

getin,usehisphone,andgetout.Hehadhisbigfighttomorrow,andforsome

reason,evenafterseeinghimwiththatstupidhooker,Istillwantedhimtowin.

ButatthesightofhimIcompletelyfellapart.Icouldn’tholditin.Hewasso

strong,andtheconcernthatfilledhiseyeswassoreal.Iwasselfish;Ifellinto

himandlethisstrongarmsholdme.Protectme.Itwasn’tjustaboutChris’s

unwelcomeadvances,itwaseverything,thedeeplonelinessthatcamefrommy

past,thefactthatIknewforcertainIanandIwerethrough…Itwasalltoomuch

toprocess.Isatinhisarms,crying,andfeltsafefromthedestructionaroundme.I

knewifIwaswithIan,nothinglikewhathadhappenedwithChriswouldever

happentomeagain.I’dneverhavetoworryaboutsomeonehurtingme.Because

Ianwouldprotectme.Hewassafe.

SoIfellintohisarmsandweaklyweptagainsthisbarechest,allowing

myselftotakethecomfortheofferedforafewminutes,untilIwasabletoregain

mycomposure—orwhatwasleftofit.

Helentmehisphone,andIcalledCadeandgotAlexa’snumber.

“Hello?”sheanswered.Shewasup,workinganall-nighteratthehospital.

“Alexa.It’sMacKenzie.”

Therewasapause.“Whereareyoucallingfrom?”

“I’minVegas.Ianlentmehisphone.”

IglancedovertoseeIanacrossthesmallroom,sittingonhisbed,watching

me.Needingsomeprivacy,Igotupandwenttohisbathroom,shuttingthedoor.

“Isortofneedafavor,”Isaidundermybreath.“Ineedtogethome,likenow.

Canyouloanmethemoneyforaplaneticket?NormallyIwouldn’task,butI

promiseIwillpayyouback.”

“Wait,whydon’tyouhaveyourphone?Areyouokay?”

“I’mfine.”Ipaused,takingadeepbreath.“ChrisandImayhavehada

small…falling-out.Ican’tstayherewithhim.Ihavetogetoutofhere.”

“OhGod.I’msorry,sweetie.Sure.I’llgoonlineandbuyyouaticket.Don’t

worryaboutthemoney.Ijustwanttomakesureyou’reokay.Hedidn’thurtyou,

didhe?”

“No,”Ilied.Onlymypride,mywill,andmyfaithinhumanity.Oh,andmy

boobs.“Wejustbrokeup.”

“Andwhere’syourphone?”sheasked.

Spanishinquisition,much?

“It’sinChris’sroom.Ikindastormedout,andIdon’twanttogobackin.I

thoughtIwouldaskIantogetmystufffromhimoncethefightwasover.”

Itwasmostlytrue.Ididn’tlikelyingtoAlexa,butthetruthhurttoomuch.I

wasn’treadytorelivethosehorriblemomentswhenIwasalonewithChrisandhe

triedtotakeeverythingawayfromme.

“Okay,sure,”shesaid.“I’llfindyouaflightrightnowandcallyouback

soon.”

Wehungup,andIsatdownontheedgeofthetub.

Ianknockedonthedoor.“Kenzie?”

“Yeah,”Isaid.

“Everythingokay?”

Igotupandopenedthedoor.NosenseinhidinginhisbathroomwhileI

waited.“Yeah,”Isaid.“Alexa’sgoingtofindmeaflighthome,thenIcangetout

ofyourhair.”

“You’regoinghome?”Helookedupset.Dangit,whywasheupsetthatIwas

leaving?Hewastheonesleepingwithprostitutes.

“What’swrongwiththat?”Iasked.

Heranhishandthroughhishair.Icaughthiseyesglancingdownmybody.“I

guessIwasjusthopingyouwouldseethefight.”

Iwantedtoseehisfighttoo.Morethanheknew.Iwantedtoseehimfinally

havehischance.

Ishookmyhead.“Ihavetogo.Idon’thaveanywheretosleep.”

“YouandChrisbrokeup.”Hetiltedhisheadtothesideandgavemea

sympatheticlook.

Ifonlyitwerejustthat.Ifitwereonlythateasy.IwantedtotellIanthetruth,

andmaybe,ifhestillcaredaboutme,hewouldtakemeback.Butifheknewwhat

Chrishaddone—howhe’dforcedhimselfonme—hewouldn’tletitgo.

I’dseenhowprotectiveIanwaswithhissister,andwomeningeneral.IfI

toldhimwhatChrisdid,IhadafeelinghewouldgoafterChris.Andthatwould

notendwell.Itwoulddefinitelywreckhimphysicallyforhisfighttomorrow.

Besides,evenifIdidtellhimthetruth,wouldIeverbeabletogethimback?I

hadpushedhimawaysomanytimes,therewasnoway.

“Webrokeup.”Inodded,chewingontheinsideofmycheek.Thatwasone

wayofputtingit.

“Stayherewithme.I’llsleeponthecouch.Youcanseethefighttomorrow,

thengetaflightafter.”

“Thankyou,butno.I’mnotputtingyououtlikethat.Iwantyoutogetyour

sleep.AssoonasAlexacallsback,I’llbeoutofhere.”

Ian’sphonerang.ItwasAlexa.“Sweetie,Ihavesomebadnews,”shesaid.

“Therearenomoreflightsoutuntiltomorrowmorning.”

Ifeltmyshouldersfall.“Crap.”MymindracedtofindsomethingelseIcould

do.“I’llgotothedeskandseeiftheyhaveanyroomsleftforthenight.”

“Ialreadycalledthemandtriedthat.Yourhotelandalltheonesnearbyare

fullybooked.There’sabunchofconventionsintown.CanyoustaywithIan?”

IlookedatIan,whowaswatchingme.

“Whatisit?”heasked.

Ishookmyheadathim.“Ican’t.Iwon’tputhimoutlikethat.”

Ianjumpedupandpulledthephoneoutofmyhand.“What’sup?”Helistened

whileAlexafilledhiminonthesituation,thensaid,“Yeah.Shecanstayhere.I

don’twantherrunningofftosomesuburbanmotelinthemiddleofthenight.I’d

feelbetterifshestayedhere.”

Hehandedthephonebacktome.“It’ssettled.”Hislooksaidtherewasno

talkinghimoutofit.

Iputthephonebackuptomyear.“IguessI’mstayinghere.”

“Look,there’snoreasonyoucan’tstayforthefight.CadeandIarearriving

tomorrow.I’lltextyouourflightinfoandyoucanmeetusattheairport.Youcan

staywithusandcomehomeafter.”

IwatchedIanashepulledanextrablanketandpillowoutoftheclosetand

startedsettinguponthecouch.Hewasstillinjusthisboxers,andatthesightof

hismusculararms,legs,andback,Ilickedmylips.Hisbrowfurrowedasifhe

wasthinkingaboutsomething.God,Iwantedtowatchhisfight.

“We’llsee,”Isaid.

Forty-One

I

AN

Kenziehungupthephone.“Youbetterbemakingupthecouchforme,”shesaid.

Herhandsonherhipsandbossytonemademesmile.Shewassocutewhenshe

wasdemanding.

“Nope,I’mtakingthecouch.”

“Ian,youneedyoursleep,”shepleaded.Hereyesbeggedme.Sayingnoto

herwasnearlyimpossible,buttherewasnowayshewassleepingonthatcouch.I

wasn’tfuckingraisedthatway.

“HowthehellamIgoingtosleepknowingyou’reuncomfortable?”Isaton

thecouch,layingclaim.

Sheglancedatthebed,thenbackatme.“ButIdon’twanttosleepinyour

bed.Thecouchwillbemuchmorecomfortableforme.”

Ilaughed.“Kenzie,there’snowayyou’regettingoutofthis.Getinbed.”

“Ian,Ireallydon’twantto.”Shelookedawayfromme,herfacepinchedasif

shewereworried,soIgotupandwentovertoher.

“What’sgoingon?”

Sheturnedherheadawayandbitherlip,herfaceturningred.“Idon’twant

tosay.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Kenzie,ifyouwon’tsay,thenyoudon’tgetoutofit.Lay

down.”

“But…”Shelookedatthebed,almostdisgusted.“Isthatwhereyouslept

withher?”

Mymindwasreeling,tryingtofigureoutwhatthehellshewastalkingabout.

Isatdownonthebed.“Sleptwithwho?”

“Theprostitute,”shealmostwhispered.

“WhywouldyouthinkIsleptwithaprostitute?”Iranmyhandacrossthe

backofmyneck.

“Isawheratyourdoor.”Shestilllookedatherfeet,digginghertoeintothe

carpet.

“Youmeantheonefromthebar?”Andthenitallmadesense.Itookher

hands.“It’stheoldesttrickinthebook.Myopponentsenthertomyroom.Hewas

tryingtogetmetohavesexthenightbeforethefight.ButIdidn’tsleepwithher.”

“Thenwhydidyoupayher?”Hergazedarteduptomine.

Isqueezedherhands.“Iwaspayinghertogoaway.Doyoureallythinkafter

whatI’vebeenthroughtogethere,afteralltheyearsoftraining,thatIwould

throwitawayforaridewithaprostitute?”

Shelookeddownagain.“IguessIthoughtmaybeyouwerejustlyingabout

thewholeno-sexthing.Chrissaidthere’snoproofthatitactuallyworks.”

Iblewoutabreath.ThiswasKenzieathercore;shedidn’tfeellikeshe

couldtrustanyone.Fuck,shemightnotevenknowhowtotrustpeople.Ineeded

hertoknowthatshecouldtrustme.

“Kenzie,Iwouldneverlietoyou.Never.”Inudgedherchinupsothatshe

lookedatme.“Youaretooimportant.Iwouldneverhurtyou.”

Shenoddedandletoutadeepbreath.“Okay.”

“SowillyoupleasegetinbedsothatIcangetsomesleepbeforethefight

tomorrow?”Iasked.

“ButIreallydon’twanttotakeyourbed.”

“Willyouatleastsleepinitwithme?”Iknewwhatitsoundedlike,butIwas

sotired,andIjustneededhertobesafeandcomfortable.“It’sabigbed.I

promisenottotouchyou.”

Kenzienodded.

Ilookedatthetightdressshewasstillwearingfromearlierthisevening.It

huggedallhercurves,andofcourseitwascutlow.MydickstirredandIgotup.

“I’llgrabyouaT-shirt.”

Forty-Two

M

AC

K

ENZIE

IchangedintoIan’sT-shirtandgotinbedoppositehim.“Goodnight,”Isaid.

“’Night.”Heswitchedoffthelight.

Irolledontomyside,facinghim.Icouldn’tseehimbecausemyeyeshadn’t

adjustedtothedarkyet,butjustknowinghewastheremademefeelsafe.How

wasitthatIcouldn’tstandthethoughtofsharingasuitewithChris,butwithIanin

thesamebed,Iknewitwouldallbeokay?

Ian’ssilhouetteslowlycameintoview.Hewaslyingonhisside;Icouldtell

fromthebulgingarmmusclesthatoutlinedhisform.Asmyeyesadjusted,Itookin

hisfinelysculptedframe,hischestandhisabs.

Oh,howIwantedhim.Everypieceofmewantedeverybitofhim.Iwanted

torunmyfingersovereveryinchofhissolidchestandeight-packabs.Iwantedto

runmyhottonguedownhisbody.Iwantedtomakehimcomeapartthewayhe’d

donetomeonthematinhisgym.Mypantiesgotwetjustrememberingthatday.

Hishotmouthonme,hisfingersthrustinginsideme.

NomatterhowmuchIwantedhim,therewasnowayIwouldactonmy

desires.Notnow.I’dalreadydisruptedthecrapoutofhimthenightbeforehisbig

fight.TherewasnowayIwouldeventrytotempthimtobreakhisno-sexrule.

ThiswouldbetheonethingIcoulddorightforhim.

ItookadeepbreathandmyeyesfinallyadjustedenoughthatIancameinto

focus.Threefeetaway,facingme.Eyesopen.Welaythere,lostineachother’s

eyes,justapillow’swidthaway.

Finally,Ipulledmyhandoutfromunderthesheetsandhelditopenbetween

us.Aninvitation.Hetookitandfoldeditinhisown.Comforted,Iclosedmyeyes.

BecauseaslongasIfelthisstrong,callousedhandaroundmine,Iknewhewas

closebyandIwouldbesafe.

Welaytherethatway,justholdinghands,untilsleeptookover.

•••

ThenextmorningwhenIawoke,Ianwasstillholdingmyhand,althoughhewas

asleep.Thesheetshadfallenawayfromhim,andhisbroadchestlaybare.Iwas

temptedtoliethereandjustwatchhimsleep,buthehadafighttowin,andIhad

tofigureouthowtogetmyshoesandwalletfromChris.Ineededcabfaretothe

airport,andmydriver’slicensetogetthroughsecurity.

Iwentintothebathroomandchangedbackintomyclothesfromthenight

before.WhenIcameout,Ianwasawake,stirringinbed.

“’Morning,”hesaid,smilingbigashestretched.“How’dyousleep?”

“Great.You?”

“Likeabearinwinter.”Hewasinagoodmood.IthadbeenawhilesinceI’d

seenhimsmile.Itmademefeelwarminside.ButassoonasIstartedtoenjoyit,

hissmilefaded.“Whathappenedtoyourarms?”

Ilookeddown.Ihadn’tnoticed,butmyarmswerecoveredinbruises.Damn.

Ireachedtocoverthem.“Idon’tknow.Imusthavedonesomethinginmy

sleep.”

ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinktosay,becauseIknewexactlywherethe

bruiseswerefrom.TheywerefromChris.ButtherewasnowayIwasgoingto

startsomethingbetweenIanandChristhedayofthefight.

Ianleapedoutofbedandtookmyarmsinhishands,examiningthem.His

facewasstern,andhisjawtightened.“Youdidn’tdothisinyoursleep,

MacKenzie.Don’tlietome.Whycan’tyoujusttellmewhathappened?Whodid

thistoyou?”Themusclesinhisnecktensed.

“No.Iwon’ttellyou,”Ibarked.“I’mnotheretobeyourdistraction.You

don’tneedtoworryaboutme.Ian,pullittogetherandfocusonyourfight.I’mnot

yourproblem.”Iheadedforthedoor.

“Kenzie,wait.”

Ipulledthedooropenandsteppedout,stumblingonmybag,whichhadbeen

placedrightoutsidethedoor.Chrismusthaveputitthere.Ipulledoutthehandle

andstartedwheelingittotheelevator.

“Kenzie,”heshouteddownthehallafterme.

IhittheD

OWN

buttonontheelevator,thenturnedtohim.“Ian,awhileback

youpromisedmethatyouwouldwinthisfight.I’vegotmystuff,andAlexawill

makesureIgethome.Youmakesureyoudon’tbreakthatpromiseyoumadeto

me.Youwinyourfight.”ThedoortotheelevatoropenedandIsteppedinside.

Thetruthofmywordshitmeasthedoorsclosed.IwasadistractiontoIan.

ThatwasallIwas,andallIwouldeverbe.AslongasIwasaround,he’dbe

unabletoseehisdreamfulfilled.

Ididn’twanttobetheonestandingbetweenhimandhisdream.Icaredabout

himtoomuch.

Forty-Three

I

AN

Kenziewasgone.Icouldn’tbelieveshewasfuckinggone.AsmuchasIwantedto

curlherbodynexttomineandspoonheralllastnight,Icouldtellsheneeded

space.Itwaswritteninthetearstainsonherface.

StillI’dassumed,afterwhatwe’dbeenthroughtogether,thatshewouldend

upwithme.Iletmyselfbelievethatwhensheheldmyhandlastnight.Butshe’d

marchedoutlikeshecouldn’twaittoleave.Shewasdonewithme.Wasn’teven

goingtostickaroundlongenoughtoseethefight,thefightI’dbeenpreppingfor

mywholelife.Ithoughtsheknewhowmuchitmeanttome.Howmuchshemeant

tome.

Thefight.ThatwashowIwouldgetthroughthis.Focusallmyenergyonthe

fight.Ithadtobethat,becauseafterlosingKenzie,fightingwastheonlythingleft,

anditwastimetogetready.

Chriswasn’tinhisroomandwouldn’trespondtoanyofmytexts,butIfound

Jonahandspentthetimeleadinguptothefighttalkingstrategyandtryingtokeep

myselfcalmenoughtonotfuckingpuke.

Strangelyenough,thecloseritgottofighttime,thecalmerIgot.Itmadeno

sense,butthiswashowmynervesmisbehavedbeforeafight.Theypeakedthe

dayofthefight,butbythetimeIsteppedintothering,mymindwasinastateof

ass-kickingZen.

IwasalittleworriedaboutChris.Iknewhecouldtakecareofhimself,but

I’dcalledandtextedhim,leftanoteforhimonhisdoor,andheardnothing.

Asweheadedbackstagebeforethefight,ItextedCade.Iknewhewasin

townforthefight,andifChriswasn’tgoingtobethere,Ineededanothercoach.I

mightbetheonlyoneintheringfighting,butalargeentourageonentryrampedup

theintimidationfactor.

Cademessagedmerightbackandsaidhe’dmeetmebackstage.Ithanked

GodthatJonahhadcomeoutwithus.Hewouldhavetodothecoachingfortwo,

butifIcouldgetCadetoatleastenterwithmeandsitnearthecage,myteam

wouldlookimpressive.

Thedressingroomwasalmostasbigasmyhotelroom,withatableand

chairsononeendandalittleseatingarea.IsupposedifIwerethechampIwould

needallthespaceformyhugeentourage,buttodayIjustfeltluckytobehere.

Jonahhelpedmetapemyhands,thenIstartedmypre-gameritual.Clearmy

mindofeverything,andgetreadytopoundthisguyintonothing.Ihoppedup

anddownontheballsofmyfeet.Itwasallaboutfindingtherightplacebetween

calmandlet’sbeattheshitoutofsomeone.

“Aaah,”Iyelled.Yeah,Iwasready.

ThedooropenedandChrisslippedin.Myhoppinginstantlyslowedatthe

sightofhim.Hisfacewasmangled.Hisnoseballoonedout,obviouslybroken,

andhehadablackeye.

Jonahmethimnearthedoor.“Chris,whatthefuckhappened?”

Chrissmiledthroughafatlip.“Nothing.Youshouldseetheotherguy.Let’s

getyoureadyforthefight,”hesaidtome.

Ilookedhimover;somethingabouthimmademefeelonedge.Hiseyes

dartednervouslyaroundtheroom,andhelaughed.

“You’regonnakillthisguy,Ian,”hesaidashemovedtowardme.Buthewas

actingwary,asifhewasunsureaboutsomething.

“Chris…”Isaid.

Hiseyesshiftedagain.“What?”Hefoldedhisarms,whichwaswhenI

noticedthelongredscrapesonhisarms.Defensiveclawmarks.

MyfaceheatedupasIflashedbacktothefearinKenzie’seyeslastnight

whenIfoundheratmyhoteldoor.Howshewouldn’ttalkaboutanyofit.Andall

thebruisesonherarmsthenextmorning.

Iwasafuckingidiot.Allthesignswererightinfrontofmyface,butIdidn’t

seeit.

“You,”Ichokedout.Iadvancedonhim,mybloodrushingthroughmeand

roaringinmyears.

“What’sgoingon?”Jonahasked,approachinguscautiously.

Chrisbeganbackingup.“DidthatlittlesluttellyouIforcedmyselfonher?

Becauseshewasactinglikeshewantedit,andthenallofasuddenshewas

kickingme.Thatgirlispsycho.”

AndIsawred.

Forty-Four

M

AC

K

ENZIE

AtleastChrishadmadesureIgotmystuffback.WhenImetAlexaandCadeat

theairport,Alexa’spity-filledfacewasasightformysoreeyes.

“Sweetie,”shesaid,greetingmewithalonghug.“Howareyou?”

“Betternowthatyou’rehere,”Isaid.AndIdidfeelbetterthanIhadina

while.IwasfinallydonewithChris.AndIhadtoadmitthatI’dsleptreallywell

lastnight.

Hergazefelltomyhands.“Youbroughtyourbag.”

Inodded.“You’regoingtoloanmethemoneytoflyhome.”

I’dresolvedtogohomeonthenextflight,ratherthanstayforthefight.I’d

beenenoughofadistractionforIanalready,andneededtogetasfarawayasI

couldsothathecouldconcentrate.

Sheshookherhead.“Nope.”

“No?Youwon’tloanmemoney?”

“Iwon’thaveto.You’restayingforthefight.Ourroom’sadouble.You’ll

spendthenightwithus,andleavewithyournormaltickettomorrow.”

“Alexa,Idon’twanttostayforthefight.Ijustwanttogohome.”

WhatIreallywantedwastorunbacktothecasinoandbackintoIan’sarms.

Butthatoptionwasoffthetable.

“No,youcan’tgohome.”Alexaputherarmaroundmeandstartedpushing

metowardthetaxistand.“YoudeservetoseeIanwinthisfight.Youworkedso

hardwithhim.There’snowaywe’relettingyoumissthis.”ShelookedtoCade

forsupport.

Henodded.“Sorry.Alexa’stheboss.”Hefolloweduswiththeirluggagein

towasAlexanudgedmetothefirstcabinthetaxiline.

“Alexa,I’mbadluckforhim.AllIamtohimisareasontolosehis

concentration.Ineedtogetoutofhiswaysohecanwinthisfight,andtheone

afterthatandtheoneafterthat.Hedoesn’tneedmetheretodistracthim.Heneeds

timealonetofocusonhisdream.”

“Shutit,”shesaid.Hertonewasplayful,butshemeantwhatshesaid.“I’m

nothavingyoumissthis.YoucantradeticketswithCadeandsitbyme.Thatway

Ianwon’tevenknowyou’rethere.Ourseatsareupinnosebleedland.”

Isighed.

Thecabdrivergotoutandstartedloadingtheirsuitcasesinback.Cadepried

mybagoutofmyhand,puttingitinthetrunkwiththeothers,thengotinonthefar

side.IwasbeingforcedbacktothefightwhetherIwantedtogoornot.

Alexagavemeashovetowardthedoor,andIgotin.Shefollowed,andI

rodebacktothecasino,wedgedbetweenAlexaandCadeandsomehowfeeling

likeaprisoner.

“IfhelosesthefightbecauseI’mthere,I’mgonnabepissed,”Isaid.

Alexapattedmyarm.“Sure,sure.”

Forty-Five

I

AN

AllIsawwasred.

“YouforcedyourselfonKenzie,”Igrowled.

Chriscontinuedhisslowcreepawayfrommetowardtheexit,butJonah

movedcarefullyinmydirectiontointercept.

Chrissnarledatme.“Itoldyou,shewasactinglikeshewantedit.Ididn’tdo

anythingtoher.”Hepointedathismangledface.“Thatbitchdidthistome.”

Iflewathimwithhandsoutstretchedandgrabbedhimbythethroat,thentook

himdownonhisback,landingonhimhard.HeclawedatmyhandsasIsqueezed

histhroat.Hisfaceturnedbrightredandhismouthflappedopenashestruggled

forair.Hekickedfranticallyatme,atmylegsandanythinghecouldreach.

Ifelthisblows,buttheydidn’thurt.Whathurtwasthatthisguy,whohad

pretendedtobemyfriend,hadforcedhimselfonthewomanIloved.Iwanted

blood.

Chris’sfistsflewatmyfaceandhehammeredaway,butIkeptholdinghis

neck.Hedidn’tdeservetobreathethesameairasher.

Armscamefrombehindandwrappedaroundmyneckandpulled.

“Ian,”Jonahshoutedinmyear.“Don’tfuckingdothis.Whateveritishedid,

it’snotworthgoingtojail,andit’snotworththrowingawayyourcareer.Lethim

go.”

Jonahtuggedatme,tryingtopullmeoffChris,butIwouldn’tletgo.I

couldn’t.Notafterwhathe’ddone.

“Thislittleshitdeservestodieafterwhathe’sputKenziethrough,”I

growled.

“Soyou’llspendtherestofyourlifelockedupawayfromher,justtopay

backthisoneguy?”

IloosenedmygripalittleasIletJonah’swordssinkin.Chris’spunches

wereweakerandfewer;hewasabouttopassout.

Jonahcontinued.“Wouldn’titbebetterforherifyouwereoutheresoyou

couldprotectherfromotherslimeballslikehim?”

IletgoandallowedJonahtopullmeoffChris.Chriscoughedandgrabbed

histhroat,fightingtotakeinairwhilesimultaneouslyscramblingbackwardtoget

awayfromme.

“Iknewtherewassomethinggoingonbetweenyoutwo,”Chrissaid.His

voicecameoutrough.“Isawyouwithherinthecarthatmorningafteryourdoctor

visit.Youkissedher.Whatwasthatabout,Ian?”

Shit.Hewasright;Iwasatotaldick.Notthatitmadewhathedidokay,but

I’dbeenafterhisgirlfriendsincedayone.Iwasnokindoffriend.

“Whythefuckdidn’tyousaysomething?”Iasked.“Confrontme!Punchme!

Whyplaylikeyouneversawit?”

“BecauseifI’dconfrontedyou,youwouldhavestillwon.Shestillwould

havegonehomewithyou.”

“Butshechoseyou.”

“Youstillthinkthat?”Chrislaughedashepulledhimselfbackonhisfeet.

“Whatajoke.Whenshecametobreakupwithmethatday,Iknewwhatshewas

upto.Isawthefearinhereyes.Ialsosawhowmuchshecaredaboutyou,how

muchshewantedyoutofighthereinVegas.”Heshrugged.“Allsheneededwasa

littlemotivationtostaywithme.Igaveherthatmotivation.”

Hisbroadsmilewasbeggingmetopunchhim.Whatthehellhadhedoneto

her?

“ImayhavesuggestedthattheonlywayIwouldn’tpullyoufromthefight

wasifsheandIwerestilltogether.”

“Noway.”Ididn’tbelievehim.TherewasnowayKenziewoulddothat.

Staywithsomeoneforme?

Hecontinued.“Isuggestedyoumightnotrecoverfromyourinjurysoon

enough.Afterthat,shecouldn’tkeephersluttyhandsoffme.”

Myfistflewathim,buthesawittoolate.Hiseyeswidenedasmyknuckles

madecontactwithhisjaw.Hisskullwasthick,butIhithimfuckinghard.Hespun

backward,landingonthefloor,andhiseyesflutteredclosed.Hewasbreathing,

buthewasout.

Good,becauseIcouldn’tlistentoonemoresecondofhisbullshitlies.There

wasnowayKenziewouldsellherselfforanything.Shewassmarterthanthat.If

he’dbeenblackmailingher,shewouldhavetoldme.Wewouldhavefiguredit

out.

Myknuckleshurt.Fuck.I’dtapedupmyhandsbutdidn’thavemygloveson

yet,andIhadhithimreallyfuckinghard.

JonahglancedoveratChris,thenturnedtome.“Youokay?”

Iflexedmyhandandmovedmyfingers.I’ddefinitelyfuckedupmyright.

Fuck.Ishookmyhead.

“Isitbroken?”Hiseyeswerewide.Fightersbrokebonesoftenenoughduring

afight,butgoingintoafightwithafracturewassheerstupidity.

ButIneededthisfight.AndIneededtowinthisfight.SoIwasabouttodo

somethingseriouslystupid.“Let’sre-tapeit.”

“Shit,”Jonahsaid,givingmeaknowinglook.

Hegrabbedthetape,andwefixedupmyhandasbestwecould.Itstillhurt

likecrazy,butIcoulddealwiththepain.Ijustneededawholenewfightstrategy.

“He’llexpectyoutocomeinfightingwithyourfists,”Jonahsaid,apparently

alreadyonit.“Sowearhimoutwithkicksandyourleft.Makehimdancearound

forawhile.Thatway,whenhepullsthefighttothemat,he’llbetired.Thenuse

allthatshitwe’vebeenworkingonforthelastfewweeks.Listentome,I’llhelp

youfindyouropenings.Hewantsthefighttobeaboutsubmission.Let’smakeit

allabouthissubmission.”

Inoddedandstartedvisualizingthefightandthenewstrategy.Itmightwork.

Ithadto.

Determined,Ipulledmyselftogether.Icouldstillwinthisthing.Istarted

hoppingagain,thebloodalreadyrushingthroughmyveins.

“Yeah,”Iyelled.

Therewasaknockonthedoorbeforeitopened.Amanwithaheadsetanda

clipboardcamein.“It’stime.”HeglanceddowntowhereChrislayonthefloor.

“What’swrongwithhim?”

Jonahshookhishead.“Hetriedtoforcehimselfonawomanlastnight.”

TheguysmirkedandtoedChris,whostirredalittle.Thentheguysaid,“Must

havebeensomewoman.”

Jonahlaughed,buttheguywasright.Kenziewassomewoman.

Cadefoundusinthehallwayandjoinedusasweheadedtothearena

entrance.

Forty-Six

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Thestadiumseatingwassomethingtobehold.Rowsandrowsofseatsstackedup

ononeanotherthatstretchedupandbackinalldirectionsfromthesinglecagein

thecenterofthefloor.

IfollowedAlexadowntheaisletoourseats.I’dtradedmyVIPticketinthe

secondrowwithCadesothatIcouldsitwithAlexa.ItturnedoutthatCadedidn’t

evenneedmyticket.He’dgottenatextfromIanaskinghimtostandinasacoach,

somyticketwouldgounused.Butitwasbetterthisway.IcouldsitwithLexa,Ian

wouldn’tseeme,andthuswouldn’tgetdistracted.

Theirtickets,however,werenotasfarawayasshe’dpromised.

“Howisfifteenrowsbackconsiderednosebleed?”Iasked.Wewerebarely

outsidetheVIPseating.

“Hewon’tbeabletoseeyoufromhere,you’llbefine.”Shewavedmeoff.

“Sit.”

Isighedandobedientlytookmyseat.ItwasgoodtohaveAlexahere.She

mightbeannoyinglybossy,butatleastIknewitwascomingfromagoodplace.

Althoughwe’donlygottenthereafewminutesbeforethefightwassupposed

tostart,itstillfeltlikehoursuntilthelightsfinallydimmedandthestagelights

cametolife,dancingaroundtheemptycageandoverthefullaudience.

Musicblaredandtheannouncerbegan.“Ladiesandgentlemen,ourfirstfight

ofthenight,Hayden‘TheGator’JonesversusIanLeclaire.”

Spotlightsspunaroundthearena,andIcastmyeyesovertheaudience.The

placewaspacked.

ItriedtoimaginewhatitwouldbelikeforIanwhenhecameoutafterbeing

introduced.Wouldhebenervous?Wouldhebeexcitedtoseesomanypeople

here?Wouldheevennoticethepeople,orwouldhebesofixedonthefightthathe

hadtunnelvision?

Gatorwasintroducedfirst.Hecamedownanaisleonthefarsideofthe

stadium,makinghiswaytowardthecagewithhisentourage.

Astheyapproachedthedoorofthecage,Ianwasintroduced.Isearchedfor

thespotlightthatwouldfollowhimdowntothecage,finallyfindingitjustupthe

aislefromwherewesat.Ianwasinthespotlight,wearinghisfightshorts,his

gloves,andalookofdetermination.Hismuscles,normallybulging,werefully

flexed.Hewaspumpedupandreadytokickass.

Soeffinghot.Iregrettedhavingpassedupthechancetolickhiseight-pack

abs,andpushedawaythoughtsoftheirsaltytasteonmytongueashewalked

withinfeetofmeandIhadtoduckbackbehindAlexa.Hecontinuedtowardthe

front,followedbyJonahandCade.

“Where’sChris?”Iasked.

Alexashrugged.

IsearchedtheVIPsectionandthepeopleupfrontnearthecage,buthewasn’t

there.Crap.Thiscouldnotbegood.Orcouldit?

Crap.Ididn’tknowwhatitmeant,butatleastIanwasstillfighting.I’dhave

towaituntillatertofindoutwhathappenedtoChris.

I

AN

ThestadiumseatingwiththecagealllitupwasjustasinsaneasI’dimaginedit.

ThecrowdcheeredasIcamein,andIateitup.Ileteachroar,hoot,andwhistle

inflatemeandmakemestrongerasImademywaytothestage.

Thiswasreal.Thiswasmyday.Nothingcouldstopme.Ithoughtyouneeded

totakedrugstofeelthishigh,butIwaswrong.I’dmadeithere,totheplaceIwas

supposedtobe.TotheplaceI’dwaitedyearsfor.Itwasfinallymytime.

Onmywayuptothecage,IsearchedforKenzie.Knowingwhathad

happenedlastnight,Iwantedtoseeherandmakesureshewasokay.Herseatwas

intheVIPsectionjustfeetfromthecage,butitwasempty.Itriedtotellmyself

thatshewasokay.Shewantedtoleave,andAlexawouldhavegottenheronthe

planesafely.Hell,AlexamighthaveevengonewithherbackhomesinceCade

hadjoinedmeupfront.

Regardless,I’dalreadydecidedIwouldwinthismatchforher.I’dpromised

herIwould,andtheangerIfelttowardChriswouldbeenoughtomakeithappen.

Angerchanneledcorrectlywouldhelpmepummelmyopponent.

AsIclimbedupthefewstepstothecage,theroarofthecrowdandtheheavy

musicfollowed.Butwhentheyclosedthegate,therestoftheworldfadedaway,

anditwasjustmeandmyopponent.IwasfocusedandIwasready.

Gatorwasafewinchesshorterthanme,whichifIdidn’tknowbetter,would

havegivenmeafalsesenseofsecurity.Buthisshorterstaturemeanthismuscles

weighedmore.Hewasstronger.Thiswasalsonothisfirstbigfight.Hisrecord

wasnineandthree;heknewwhathewasdoing.

Ineededtobecareful.Allmymoveshadtobeinstantanddeliberate.Andhe

absolutelycouldnotknowthatmyrighthandwastotallyfucked.Healreadyknew

aboutmyshoulderinjury;knowingaboutmyinjuredfistwouldgivehim

everythingheneededtofinishthefightinseconds.

Therefgaveushisinstructions,demandedacleanfight,andwetouched

gloves.Gatorstartedoffwithhisfistsgoingatme.Whichwasn’twhatIexpected,

butIwasaboxer,soIeasilyavoidedallhisjabs.Itwasclearhe’dspentalotof

timeworkingonhisfootwork.

Still,hismoveswerepracticedandIwasaboxerfirst.Icouldanticipate

everymovebeforehemadeit.Iduckedout,thenfakedwithmyright,jabbinghim

hardwithmyleft.

MygazefellonKenzie’semptychair.Sheknewhowmuchthisfightmeantto

me.

Gatorstumbledfrommystrikeandshookitoff.Hecamebackatme.I

blocked,thencamebackathimwithmorelefts.Weonlywentonthiswayfora

whilebeforehestartedbecomingwearyofmyleftfist.Heshookoffmyadvances

andlandedahittomybody.Ifellback,andashepursuedme,Iglancedat

Kenzie’semptyseatagain.

Shehadtohavestayedforthefight.

Maybeshewasjustrunninglate.

M

AC

K

ENZIE

TheminuteIansteppedintothecage,Iknewsomethingwasn’tright.Hisstance

wasalmostnormal,butIwouldswearhewasholdinghisrightfistclosertohis

body,almostlikehewasguardingit.

“Doeshelookokaytoyou?”IaskedAlexa.

“Yeah,why?”

“I’mnotsure,”Isaid.

“Helookslikehe’spumpedandreadytokicksomeass,ifthat’swhatyou

mean.”

Ishookmyheadandshrugged.“Maybeit’snothing.”

Whentheystartedthefirstround,IanandGatorexchangedpunches,and

everythingseemednormal.IanconnectedseveraltimeswithGator’sface,and

onceinhisgut.Meanwhile,Gatorkeptonmissinghistargets.Itgottothepoint

wherehestartedbackinguptowardthewallofthecage.Gatorwasdazedandon

theretreat.AllIanneededtodowasgivehimoneswiftright,andhe’dfall.Buthe

wasn’tusinghisrightfist.

“Ithinkthere’ssomethingwrongwithIan’shand.”

“Howcanyoueventellfromthisfaraway?”

“Idon’tknow.Hejustlookslikehe’shurt.”Myheartsank.Ifhewashurtthis

early,hemightnotbeabletowin.

“Helooksfine,”Alexasaid.Shenudgedmeandsmiled.

Iforcedasmileandturnedmyattentionbacktothecage.Gatorwascoming

outofhishaze.HeshockedIanwithakicktothethigh,andIanstaggered.

“Shit.”Myhandswentupovermymouth.“Comeon,”Iwhispered.“Please.”

Ianswungaroundwithhisleg,aiminghigh,butGatorsawhimcoming,

blockedhim,andcamebackwithafoottohisside.

Myfistsclenched.Whatthehellwasgoingon?Ianwassupposedtobethe

bestonhisfeet,andGatorwastakinghimtoschool.

Ianwasbackedintoacornerandtookseveralhardhitstotheface.Heleaned

in,grabbingGatorbythewaistasifhewasholdingonforhislife.

“Kenzie,”Alexashoutedoverthecrowd’scheers.“Youokay?”

Inoddedandclenchedmyfiststighter,feelinglikeIwasgoingtothrowup.

Ianhadtowinthisfight;hejusthadto.

Forty-Seven

I

AN

Thiswasn’thowthefightwassupposedtogo.

Fuck.IheldontoGator,buthecontinuedtojabmeinthegut,soIpulled

awayandkickedhisthigh.

Contact.

Fuckingfinally.Hestumbledjustenoughtogivemetimetoregainsome

ground,aswellasmyfooting.Icamebackathimagain,butheblockedwithhis

arm.Iwasgettingwinded.Iwasalsogettingpissedatmyself.Ineededtoturn

thingsaroundifIwasgoingtowinthisthing,butIcouldn’tfindafuckingopening.

Iblockedmoreandmoreofhisadvancesuntilthebellfinallyrang,signalingthe

endofthefirstround.

Iwentbackintothecorner,andtheguyscleanedmeup.Iallowedmyselfto

glanceoveratKenzie’sstillemptyseat.Shehadtohavegonehome.Damnit.I

hopedshewasokay.

Thesecondroundwasmoreofthesame.Imadeafewgoodhits,buthekept

meontherunforagoodbit.Whenthesecondroundwasover,Iwasstartingto

fuckinghatemyself.

ImetJonahandCade,whobroughtwaterandhelpedwipeallthebloodfrom

myface.Iwasbleedingfromafewdifferentplaces.

Unabletostopmyself,IglancedovertoKenzie’semptychairagain.

Cadesawandfollowedmygaze.“She’supinmyseatwithAlexa.Row

fifteen.”Hepointedoverandupalittle.Iscannedtheareahe’dindicateduntil,at

last,Ifoundher.Thearenawasdark,butIcouldrecognizeherfeaturesinthesoft

lightthattouchedthecrowdfromabove.

She’dstayedtowatchthefightafterall.ItwasallthefuelIneeded.Pride

rushedthroughme,andadrenalinefilledme.

Icouldalmosthearhersassypeptalk.You’veworkedtoohardtostart

doubtingyourselfnow.You’reherebecauseyou’reoneofthebest.Nowstart

actinglikeit.

Ishookmyhead.Iwassupposedtobehere.Itwastimetofocus.Itwastime

tofinishthisshit.

ThebellrangandIcameoutswingingmyleft,thenkicking.Gatorblockedmy

fist,butIhithimonthesidehardwithmyfoot.Ikeptathim,throwinglightjabs

withmyright,andfollowingwithquicklefts.HebackedupintoacornerandI

heldhimthere,punchingandkicking.

Thecrowdroared,andforthefirsttimethatnight,Iknewtheywerecheering

forme.ItfueledmeandIwentathimharder,makingcontactseveralmoretimes

beforehefinallydodgedhiswayoutofthecornerandgrabbedmeinanattemptto

pullmedown.

Iheldontohim,andhetwistedandlifted.Hewantedmedownonthematso

hecouldgettoworkwithhisrealskills.Iwaswillingandready,butmadehim

workforit.Hegruntedandyelled,pushingpasthisthresholdofstrength,andkept

fuckinggoing.ButmyfeetweresquareandIrefusedtobudge.

“Makehimyourbitch,”Jonahshoutedfromthecorner.

AndIdid.GatorwaspushingsohardagainstmethatwhenIstoppedresisting

andtwisted,herolledoverme,landingonhisback.Ijumpedontopofhimand

startedpoundinghisface.Hetriedtoblockme,buthisfacewasred.Bloodred.

Hefinallycoveredhisfaceandmanagedtotwistaround,pullingup.We

struggledonthecanvasforseveralminutes.Icouldn’tgethiminagoodhold,and

hewastoobusyonthedefensetomakeanyheadway.Butthenheslippedout,

landingontopofme,andgrabbedmyleftarmandbentitback.

Fuck.HepulledandIscrambled,pushingmyselfupwithmylegs,trying

anythingtogetoutofhishold.

“You’vegotthis!”Jonahshouted.

Hewasright.He’dshownmehowtogetoutofthis,butitwasgoingto

fuckinghurtlikehell.Ibitdownhardonmymouthguard,pushedupagainsthim

withmylegs,swungaround,thencameathimfullforcewithmyright,connecting

sohardthepainwasunbelievable.ItshockedthroughmyentirebodyandI

growled,thinkingImightactuallybiteallthewaythroughmymouthguardfrom

theagony.Myheadwasdizzy,spinningfromtheshockofmythrobbingfist.

GatorletgoofmyarmandIspunaround,wrappedmylegsaroundhisbody,

tookhisarm,andrippeditback.

Hetappedout.

Iletgoandfellback.

Forty-Eight

I

AN

“C’mon,Ian.Youneedtogetthathandlookedat,”Cadenaggedaswemadeour

waybacktothedressingroom.

“Areyoumymothernow?Itoldyou,I’mnotgoinganywhereuntilIsee

MacKenzie.”Iheldabloodyragtomyeyebrowwithonehandandpulledupmy

phonemessageswiththeother.I’dcalledandtextedher,butshewasn’t

responding.“Cade,findoutwheresheis.”

“I’msureshe’sfine.She’swithAlexa.Yourhandcouldbebroken,weneed

togetthatlookedat.”

Istoppedinfrontofthedressingroomandgavehimapointedlook.Ididn’t

havetimeforthisshit.Kenziehadbeenthroughsomethinghorriblelastnight.She

mighthaveliedtomeaboutit,shemightnotwantmetoknowaboutit,butIdid.

AndIwasn’tgoingtorestuntilIsawheragainandmadedamnsurethatshe

wouldbeokay.

Cadesighedandpulledouthisphone,sendingoutaquickmessage.

Wewentinside,andIgotcleanedupaswellasIcouldwithbottledwater

andrags,thenchangedintosomeclothes.IwasstillasweatymesswhenCade

heardbackfromAlexathattheywereintheirroom,butsinceMacKenziehad

beenrunningawayalotlately,Iwasn’tgoingtowastetimewithashoweranda

doctorvisit.

M

AC

K

ENZIE

Alexalookeddownatherphoneagainandtypedinamessage.Itriedtogetherto

gomeetupwithCadeafterthefight,butshe’dinsistedonfollowingmebackto

theirroom,wherewenowsatononeofthebeds.

“Itoldyou,I’mfine,”Isaid.“Idon’tneedababysitter.Gocelebratewiththe

guys.”

“Comewithme,”shesaid.

Ishookmyhead.“Can’tIjusthavesomealonetime?”

IwasgladI’dgottentoseeIan’sfight.Iwasthroughtheroofabouthim

winning.ButI’dmademydecision,Iwasn’tgoingtobeadistractionforhim

anymore.AndasproofthatI’dmadetherightdecision,he’dwonhisfight,all

whilethinkingI’dalreadylefttown.HowmuchmoreproofdidIneedthatIwas

badluck?

Thedooroftheroomclickedassomeoneunlockeditfromtheoutside,andI

lookedoveratAlexa.

Sheshruggedandgotup,headingtothedoor.“Hi,”Iheardhersay.

IassumedshewastalkingtoCade,thoughIcouldn’tseebecausethedoor

wasjustoutofsight.Shewentoutintothehallwayandthedoorshutbehindher.

Theytalkedlowjustoutsidetheroom,thenthelockclickedagainandIheardthe

dooropen,thenshut.

Silence.

“Alexa?”Icalledout,buttherewasnoanswer.Igotupandheadedtothe

door,butitwasn’tAlexawho’dentered.“Ian,”IsaidwhenIsawhim.

Hewasbruisedandcutup,hislefteyebrowcrustedwithblood.Hiseyewas

wellonitswaytoswellingshut,andhislipwasswollen.Partofmewantedto

reachoutandtouchhim,butIdidn’t.Heslowlymadehiswayintotheroom,andI

backedupuntilIcouldn’tbackupanyfartherbecausetherewasabedbehindme.

Isatdown.Whywashehere?HadAlexatoldhimwhereIwas?Thattraitor.

Iantookaseatonthebedacrossfromme.Iavoidedhisgazeassilence

thickenedtheairbetweenus.

Unabletotakethesilenceanymore,Ifinallysaid,“Congratulations.”

“Thanks,”hesaid,buthewasn’tsmiling.Heheldhisrighthandupintheair,

asifthesimpleactofrestingitonhislapwaspainful.

“Youhurtyourhand.”Iresistedthetemptationtogotohimandcheckhis

handforthebreakIwassurewasthere.

“Yeah,IbrokeitonChris’sface.”Hisjawclenched,andhiseyessmoldered.

“YoupunchedChris?Why?”Iasked.

“Youknowwhy.”Hisvoicewasraspy,yetgentle.

God,Ididn’twanthimtoknowwhathappened.Unconsciously,Iballedup

myfists,andwhenhesawwhatIwasdoinghemovedforward,asifhewasgoing

totakemyhands.Isatonthem.

“Howdidyoufigureoutwhathappened?”

Hislipstuggedupbrieflyinaproudsmirk.“Didyouseewhatyoudidtohis

face?”

Ishookmyhead,thenmyvisionblurredasIthoughtbacktothenight.“I

didn’tstickaroundtoseewhathappened.Iran,justlikeyoutaughtme.”Iwipeda

tearfrommyface.

Hecrossedovertositnexttome,butIscootedaway,makingsuretherewas

asafedistancebetweenus.

Hisforeheadcreased.“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”

“BecauseIknewyou’ddosomethingstupid.”Isniffledandwipedatthetears

again.“IthoughtyoumightgoafterChrisandgetyourselfhurt.Ididn’twantto

ruinyourfight.”

Iputmyheadinmyhands.“Anditturnsout,youdidsomethingstupid

anyway,anditdidalmostruinyourfight.”

I

AN

Kenziecouldbesoinfuriating.“Don’tworryaboutmyfights,Kenzie.Anddon’t

youeversacrificeyourselfforthem.Nothingiseverthatimportant.Besides,it’s

myfight.IfIwanttodosomethingstupidbeforeit,Iwill.”

Damn,Iwasstillpumpedupfromthefight.

Hereyeswidenedandsheblinked.Fuck,I’dscaredher.

Itookabreathandtriedtocalmdown.“Idon’tunderstandwhyyouthinkit’s

yourresponsibilitytomakesureIgettomyfight.I’vebeenworkingonthismy

wholelife,andI’llkeeponworkingonit.Buttherearesomethingsthataren’t

worthit.ThethoughtofChristryingtoforcehimselfonyou…”Ishookmyhead

andfelttheragecoursethroughmyveins.“Therearenowordsforhowangrythat

mademe.Icouldn’tpunchhimhardenough.Iwantedtokillhim.Ialmostdid.”

“Why?Nothinghappened.Hedidn’t…”Shetrailedoffandhuggedherself.

Iputmyhandonherback.“Hetried.AndI’msorry.IfI’djustfoughtharder

foryou,maybeyouwouldn’thavebeentherewithhim.”

Sheshookherhead.“Iwouldn’thavestayedwithyou.Icouldn’t.Chris

wouldhavepulledyoufromthefight.”

Idrovemyrightfistintothebednexttomewithoutthinking.“Fuck,”Iyelled

asshocksofpainspikedupmyarm.Icouldn’tbelieveshereallyhadstayedwith

himforthesakeofmyfight.“Whywouldyoudothat?It’snotfuckingworthit.

Thisfightwasnotfuckingworthit.”Ishookfromthepainofmybrokenhand

hittingthemattress.

“Ian,”shesaid,leaningforwardtotakemyinjuredfistinherdelicatehands.

“IdiditbecauseIknewyou’dbeenwaitingforthisfightyourwholelife.Ididit

becauseIwantedthisforyou.”

“Butyoukeptallthisfromme,”Iinsisted.Ifyouhadjusttrustedme,ifyou

hadjusttoldmewhathewasupto,wewouldhavebeenabletofigureitout.

Together.”

Shebitherlipandlookedatme,hereyesstillglisteningwithtears.

Ibrushedatearawayfromhercheek.“Kenzie,youdon’thavetodo

everythingbyyourself.”

M

AC

K

ENZIE

“ButIdo,”Isaid.“Allmylife,wheneverI’veneededsomething,Ihadtotake

careofitmyself.Otherwise,itwouldn’thappen.Besides,ifI’dtoldyouabout

Chris’splantopullyoufromthefight,youwouldn’thaveletmedowhatneeded

tobedone.”

“You’reright,Iwouldn’thaveletyoustaywithhim,”Iansaid.“Becauseit

wasthewrongthingtodo.”

“Whatdoyoumean,thewrongthingtodo?Ididitsoyoucouldfight.Itwas

therightcall.”Hewassoinfuriating.“Ididitforyou.Butyouknowwhat,you

don’thavetoworryaboutmedoingthingsforyouanymore.I’moverit.I’m

movingon.”

Istoodup,andhisarmgrippedmineasItriedtopullaway.Hepulledme

backdownonthebed.

“Kenzie,wait,that’snotwhatImean.ThereasonIdon’twantyoutodothese

thingsisthatIcareaboutyou.”

Iballedupmyfistsagain.“Ian,youhavetostoppullingmecloselikethis.”

Hemovedcloserandcuppedmycheek,hiseyessearchingmine.“Why?”

“Becauseeverytimeyoudo,itgetsharderformetopullaway.”

“So,it’strue?”

Ishookmyhead,notunderstandingwhathewasasking.

“Alexa,Cade,Jonah,andevenChrisallthinkthatyouwanttobewithme.Do

you?”

Ishookmyhead.NotbecauseIdidn’twanttobewithhim,butadmittingit

wouldbelikeadmittingdefeat.“Idon’twanttobeadistraction.Idon’twanttobe

aburden.”

“ThatisnotwhatIasked.Kenzie,answerthis.IfIweresomeoneelseyou

couldn’tdistract,ifIwerealawyeroranengineer,wouldyouwanttobewith

me?”

Ilookedatmyhandsinmylapandnodded.

“Thenstopthisbullshit.”

Ilookedupathim,shockedathistone.

Hisbrowfurrowed.“I’vesaiditbefore.Beingwithoutyouistheworst

distractionever.IalmostlostthefighttodaywhenIdidn’tseeyouintheaudience.

Icouldn’tstopsearchingforyou,Icouldn’tfocusuntilIknewwhereyouwere

andthatyouwereokay.”

Heslidhishandaroundmyneckandpulledourforeheadstogether.“IfCade

hadn’ttoldmewhereyouwere,ifhehadn’tpointedyouout,Iwouldhavespent

theentirefightlookingforyou.”

ItookadeepbreathasIabsorbedwhathewastellingme.Hadhereally

spentthefirsthalfofthefightlookingforme?

Hisvoicesoftened.“IbrokemyhandonChris’sface.Ididthatforyou.And

ifwe’dbeentogether,itneverwouldhavehappened.Becausewhenyou’rewith

me,Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.”Histhumblightlybrushedthebackofmy

neck,sendingwavesofheatthroughme.“I’llneverletanyonehurtyou.”

Imadeasmallmurmuringsound.HiswordsweretheonesI’dlongedformy

entirelife.I’dalwayshadtobestrong,toweathereveryupanddownalone,but

bythesolemnwayIan’seyeshadlatchedontomineandrefusedtoletgo,Iknew

hemeanteveryword.Hewashereforthelonghaul,ifI’dhavehim.

Thethoughtwasdizzying.I’dneverhadaforeverperson.

Icouldhavejustsattherelookingintohiseyesallnight,buthislipswere

onlyinchesfrommine.Withthatrealization,aneedgrewinsideme.Ihadtotaste

him.IneededtokisshislipsandlethimknowthatIwashis.Slippingmyarms

aroundhisneck,Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,gentlykissinghisbottomlip.

Hegrunted,andIpulledaway.

“DidIhurtyou?”Iasked.

Hismouthtuggedupinaplayfulsmirk.“Sweetheart,Ihurtallover.Butdon’t

everstopkissingme.It’sworththepain.”

Hisswolleneyegrabbedmyattentionagain.Ibrusheditlightlyandthen

kissedhiseyebrowandhisswollencheek.Iwantedtokissawayallthehurt.

Ipulledawayandtookhisinjuredhand.“Ian,weneedto—”

Hedidn’tletmefinish,insteadhepulledmeintohisarmsandkissedme

hard.Itastedmetalandsaltinhismouth;hetastedlikeafighter.Brutaland

powerfulandstrong.Iwantedmore.Evenwithhisinjuredhand,hepulledme

ontohislapsothatIwasstraddlinghim.

“Weneedtotakecareofsomeunfinishedbusiness,”hegruntedashepressed

mycenterintohim.Hewasalreadyhard,andmybodyachedforhis.

“Ian,”Imoaned.Mybodyheatedup,andIstruggledtoresisttheurgetogive

intohim.IwantedthismorethanIwantedmynextbreath.

“Yes,”hewhisperedashetrailedkissesdownmyneck.

“WhataboutCadeandAlexa?”Iasked,breathless.

“TheyknewIcameheretomakeyoumine.Theywon’tbebackforanhour.”

Withthatinformation,myheartratespedup.Hewasmakingmehisinevery

senseoftheword.ItwaseverythingIwanted.

“I…”

Atalossforwords,Istruggledtopulloffmyshirt,andIanhelpedmeas

muchashecouldwithonehand.Oncetheshirtwasonthefloor,hiseyesdrankin

mybareskinwithahungrylook.

“Kenzie,”hegrowled,hisgazefallingtomywhitelacebra.Hiseyes

collidedwithmine,andseeingthatIhadnofurtherprotests,hisfingersfoundthe

claspandheunhookedit.Heleanedbacktolookatme.“Sofuckingbeautiful.”

“Touchme,”Iwhispered,andhepalmedmybreastsgentlywithbothhands.

“Fuck,”hesaidandjerkedhisrighthandaway.

Itookhisrighthandgentlyinmyown.“Weneedtogetyoutothedoctor.”

Hewrappedhislefthandaroundmywaistandliftedmeoffhislap,placing

meonmybackonthebed.Thenheplantedhimselfbetweenmylegsandbrushed

hislipsagainstonenipple,suckingonit.Iarchedmyback,needinghimtosuck

harder.Hepulledaway,teasing,histeethgentlygrazingthepeak.

“Please,”Ibegged.

“Youwanttogotothedoctor?”heasked.

“Ifyouneedto.”Ipantedandpressedmyselfagainsthim.

“Helpmegetmyshirtoff.”

Idid.Hisbodywassoamazing.Iranmyhandsoverhischest,hisabs,his

back.God,hewassodamnperfect.Everymuscleinhimwasflexed,andhisskin

wassosmooth.Andhisscent.IalreadyknewIlovedhisscent,butafterafight,

thefleshandsweatsmellwasallman.Iwanted,no,neededhimtotakemeright

there.

NextIhelpedhimoutofhisshorts.IthoughtIwaspreparedforthesizeofhis

cock,butasitsprangfreeofhisboxers,Iletoutalittlegaspandlookedathim,

mymouthhangingopen.Hewasperfect.Hugeandstraight,andthetipglistening

withmoisture.

“Babe,”hesaidinalowvoice.“Don’tlookatmelikethatunlessyouwant

metocomerightthefucknow.”

Hiswordswereacommand.Ifeltmyselfgetwet,andmynipples,exposedto

theair,hardened.

“Whatdoyouwant?”Iasked.

“Kenzie,IthinkyouknowwhatIwant.Iwantyou.”Hetookhishardcockin

onehandandstartedstrokingit.“Areyouready?”

Iwassowet,Ineededhiminsideme.Inodded.

“Showme.”HepulledmeupontopofhimandIstraddledhim.Grabbinghis

cock,herubbedthetipovermywetopeningandgroaned.“Goddamn,youare

perfect.”

Heheldmebythewaistandpulledmedownontopofhimashepushed

himselfinsideme,oneslowinchatatime.“Tellmeifthisistoomuch.Icango

slow,Icanbewhateveryouneed,”hewhispered,hiseyesonmineandhiscock

pushinginsideme.

MyheartjumpedintomythroatandIfeltfilledwithsomuchemotion,I

almostcouldn’tholditallin.

“More,Ian.Iwanteverything.”

Myheartwaswideopen,andIwaschoosingtobeinthemomentandaccept

alltheloveIcouldfeelradiatingfromhiseverytouch.Itwasterrifying,yet

amazingatthesametime.

Hepressedforward,hiseyesneverstrayingfrommineashefilledme.Ifelt

himdeepinsideme,fillingeveryemptyplacesocompletely.

Igaspedatthesensationsandpushedmyhandsagainsthishardabs,lifting

andloweringmyselfoverhim.

“Fuck,youfeelincredible,”hesaidonagroan.

IsankallthewaydownuntilIfelthiminaplaceI’dneverfeltanyone,and

thenclenchedaroundhim.

“Easy,baby.You’llfinishme.”Heheldusthereunmovingforamoment,

givingmetimetoacclimatetohissizeashegothimselfundercontrol.“Now,go

slow.”

Ieasedupandbackdown,slowlyatfirst,buttheurgencyquicklybuilt.I

neededitharderandfaster,anditwasallsogood.IcriedoutasIletgo.Ian

grippedmythighsandpumpedharder,andIfelthimswellinsideme.

“Ian…”Imoaned,myinnerwallstrembling.Iwasgettingcloseandwouldn’t

beabletoholdoutmuchlonger,eventhoughIneverwantedthistoend.Leaning

downoverhim,Iloweredmymouthtohis.Ianclaimedmymouthinahungrykiss,

histonguedancingwithmineinadeep,intimateway.

“Comeforme,angel.Iwanttofeelyouletgo.”Ian’slefthandmovedtomy

hipandhepushedhishipsup,meetingmypacethrustforthrustuntilwewere

movingintandemasifwe’dspentalifetimedoingthistogether.

Iclosedmyeyesandblockedoutalltheyearsoflittlevoicesinmyhead

tellingmethatIwasunlovableandnotworthyofsomeonestickingaround.Irode

himhardandwild,finallyfeelingfree,untilIcamewithashout,repeatinghis

nameoverandoveragain.

WhenIfinallycamedownfrommylust-filledhaze,Ianwaswatchingme

withasmallsmileonhisface.“Damn,thatwassexy.”

Ipickedupmyrhythmagain,wantingtomakehimloseallcontrollikeIhad

justdone.Itdidn’ttakelong.Usingmyinnermuscles,Isqueezedhimagain,and

hesuckedinabreathandheldit.

“Fuck,”heroared.

Secondslater,hiscockjerkedinsidemeandhegruntedmyname.Hisrelease

waslongandhard,andheheldontometheentiretime.

Asourbreathingcalmeddown,hepulledmedowntolienexttohim,andhe

lookedlonginglyintomyeyes,notsayingaword.

Imethislovinggaze,andknewthiswaswhereIbelonged.WhyhadIspent

solongtryingtostayawayfromsomethingsoright?

Theanswerhitmesuddenlyandmademesad.Iwasn’tusedtopeople

wantingme,andwantingtodothingsforme.

Myvisionblurred.Iwastearingup,andforthefirsttimeinalongtime,I

didn’tballupmyfists.Iletthetearsspill.

Ianpulledmetohischestandheldme.“What’swrong?”heasked,fearand

concerncloudinghisfeatures.

Ishookmyhead.“Ijustdon’tthinkI’veeverbeenwantedlikethisbefore.”

“Idon’tjustwantyou,Kenzie.Iloveyou.”

Nodding,Iwipedthetearsfrommyface.“Iloveyou,”Iwhisperedback,the

wordstastingforeignonmytongue,andyetsoincrediblyperfect.

Epilogue

I

AN

HearingthosethreewordsfromKenziewaslikewinningthechampionshipin

multipleweightclasses.Itfeltfuckingincredible,andevenmoresobecauseIhad

toworkforherlove.Despitehertoughexterior,Kenziewasstilljustascared

littlegirl,afraidtogettooattachedtoanyonewhomightupandleaveher.Ihated

thatpartofherpast,butIvowedthatIwouldmakeherfeellovedeverysingleday

goingforward.

Icouldn’twaittogetherhomebecausethatwaswhereshebelonged.With

me.

“Ian,Itoldyou,Idon’tneedtolivehere,”shesangasshefollowedmeinto

mycondo.

“It’seitherherewithme.”Igrabbedheraroundthewaistandpulledher

close,kissinghersoftlips.“Oryoucanmoveintomysister’s.”Ikissedheragain.

Sophiawashomefromtreatmentandbackontrack.ThankGod.

Kenziepulledawayandlookedatmesideways.“Youdon’tgettodecide

everythingforme.I’mstillinchargeofme.”

Therewasdefianceinhereyes.Ilovedthissassysideofher,alwaysrising

tochallengeme.Itmademewanttotakeherovermykneeandspankherbareass,

notthatIeverwould.Shewouldalwayssecretlybetheoneincharge.Always

hadbeen.

“Fine,I’llgetyouyourownplace,”Igrumbled.Iwouldn’thaveherlivingin

thatrundownapartmentshehadnow.Itwasn’tsafe.

Sheshookherhead.“Ian,Ican’tjustletyouputmeupsomewhere.Ihaveto

beself-sufficient.Ineedtofindanotherjob.Icantakecareofmyself.”

AfterVegas,KenzieandIseveredtieswithChris,thatdouche-rocket.Itwas

easyenoughformetomovetoanotherMMAgymafewmilesaway.Ialready

knewabunchoftheguyswhotrainedthere.Jonahevenfollowed.ButKenziewas

outofajobandrefusedtoletmehelpher.

“Butyoudon’thaveto.”Ifeltmyjawclenchandloweredmyvoice.“We’ve

beenoverthis.Ifyouwantmetosleepatnight,Ineedtoknowyou’resafe.”

“Fine,I’llstayherewithyouatnight,butIkeepmyplace.”Shelookedupat

mewithpoutyeyes.

Ichuckled.“Fine.Keepyourapartment.ButI’vegothalfadresserthat’s

emptyandwaitingforyourpanties.Andoverhalfanemptyclosetscreamingfor

yoursexydresses.”Idrewalinewithmyfingerupherside,tracingtheouteredge

ofherbreast.Itmadehernipplesperkup.

Hereyeslockedonmine,hermouthinaplayfulsmirk,andmydickinstantly

hardened.

“Ian.I—”ShegaspedasIpressedintoher.Hereyesdriftedclosedandshe

curledintome.“Iknowthisisimportanttoyou,”shecontinued.“Iwanttobewith

you,butIneedtotakeitslow.Ineedyoutobepatient.Thisisallverynewtome.

Feelingloved.Givinglovesofreely.”

“Iknow,babe,andwe’llgoasslowasyouneed,”Isaid.“Takeaslongas

youwant.I’mnotgoinganywhere.Well,actuallyIam.”

Ipickedherup,hikedupherdress,andwrappedherlegsaroundmywaist.

Shesmiledatme.

Fuck,Ilovedhersmile.

“I’mgoingtotakeyoutobed,”Isaidandcarriedherintomybedroom.This

waswhereI’dwantedherallalong.Notinthebackseatofacaroronthefloorof

mygym,butrightherewithme.Whereshebelonged.

Herarmsclungtomyneckandshekissedme,movingherlipsgentlyover

mine.Ithadonlybeenafewdayssincethefightandmyfacewasstillcutupand

bruised,butImetherkisseswithmyown,openingherlipsandbrushingmy

tongueagainsthers.Herbreathingintensified,andshegrappledwiththehemof

myT-shirt,tuggingatit.

Ireluctantlysetherdownonthebedandhelpedhertakeoffmyshirt.Her

gazemovedovermybodyinahungrywaythatIloved.Shecoulddevourmewith

justalook.Sheundidmypants,pullingthemdown,andlookedupatmewith

questioningeyes.

“What?”Iasked.

“I’dpushyoudownonthebedatthispointandjumpyou,butIdon’twant

youtohurtyourhand.”Shebitherlipandsmiledinnocently.

“Wheredoyouwantme?”Igrowled.

“Liebackonthebed,please.”

Ididassheaskedandshefollowedme,crawlingupthebedandtakingmein

hermouth.Hereyeslockedonmineasshesuckedandlickedmycock,takingitin

likeachamp,strokingthebasewithherhands.Ibrushedherhairoutofherface,

andresistedtheurgetotanglemyfistsupinherhairasshebroughtmeclosetothe

edge.

Goddamn,thatfeltgood.

“Kenzie,”Igrowled.

Shepulledaway.

“Ihavetotakecareofyou,babe.Ineedyoutocomeforme.”Imovedto

undoherdress.

“Careful,”shewarned.“Yourhandisstillhealing.”Shepulledmysplinted

handawayandunzippedherdress,slippingoutofit,thenjoinedmeonthebed.

“Down,”shesaidandpushedmebacksoIwaslyingdownonceagain.

Ichuckledandlethermountme.Herlegsstraddledmeandherwarmeyes

lockedonmine.Islippedmyarmaroundherwaistandpositionedherovermy

throbbingcock,thenbrushedagainstheropening.

Shegaspedandarchedherback.Ilovedwatchinghergetoff.Hereyes

openedandlockedbackontomine.“Ian,”shegaspedandleaneddown,kissing

megentlywithsoftlips.Asshekissedme,shebrushedherwetfoldsovermy

rock-hardcock,theneasedherselfdownontome.

“Kenzie,”Imoaned.Ipushedupintoherasshegrabbedmybody,pullingme

deeperinsideher.Shewashot,wet,andtight.Shemovedslowlyatfirst,butwhen

sheclenchedherinnermuscles,Ialmostcameforherrightthen.“Easy,”I

remindedher.

Shesmiledcoylybutsloweddownenoughformetogetmyshittogether,then

workedfaster.Assherodeme,herbeautifultitsbouncedabovemeandIcupped

theminmyhands,pinchinghernippleswithmyfingers.Herwallsstartedto

spasmalmostimmediately.

“Ian,”shecriedasshecame.Herwallstightenedaroundmeasshepumped

upanddown.Imetherthrusts,andseeinghercomeapart,IwassoturnedonthatI

camewithher.Weclungtoeachotherasourheartbeatsracedtogether.

Whenwecamedown,shelaydownnexttome,curlingupnexttome,and

lookedupatmewithherbeautifulsleepyeyesandsmiledlazily.

“Moveinwithme.”Icouldn’thelpmyself,proddingonelasttime,forgetting

mypromisetogoslowwithher.

Shesmiledandpausedonlyforamoment.“Okay.”

“Really?”Isaid.“You’renotjustsayingthatbecauseIrockedyourworldin

bed,areyou?”

Shechuckledandplayfullypunchedmyarm.“Isthatabadreasontowantto

moveinwithyou?”Shepaused.“Eversincethenightwemet,I’veknownI

wantedtobeapartofyourlife.Evenonthedaysitwastorturetobenearyouin

thegym,socloseyetsofarawayfromhavingyou.TheharderIfoughtagainstit,

thestrongermyneedtobewithyougrew.I’vecometorealizetherereallyisno

fightingit.Soyes,Iwanttomoveinwithyou.BecauseI’mdonefightingthis.I’m

readytoadmittomyselfthatwhereveryouare,that’shome.”

Kenziewasfinallywhereshebelonged,andIcouldn’tbeanyfucking

happier.EvenifInevergottofightanotherfightinmylife.

Acknowledgments

IwouldliketothankthefansandreadersofHardtoLove,oneofmy

bestsellingbooksofalltime,forrepeatedlyaskingforafollow-up.Withoutyou,

RecklessLovewouldnothavebeenborn.WatchingIan–thatsweet,stubborn,

alphamale–fightforhisshotatlovewastoomuchfunforthisnovelnottoexist.

So,thankyou.

MydeepgratitudetoLizHellebuyckforyourhelpwiththisnovel.I’m

gratefulforyoureyes,earsandplottingexpertise.DanielleSanchez,thankyoufor

beinganamazingpublicist,andcontinuallystrivingfornewwaystohelpmeshare

mybookswiththeworld.ThankstoDivaandAndyforyourexpertinsightintothe

worldofMMA.Anyinaccuraciesinthestory’sportrayalofthesportaredueto

artisticlicense.PamBerehulkeofBulletproofEditing,youareawonder.Your

skillsaretremendous,andIlearnmoreeverytimeIworkwithyou.Thankyoufor

yourguidance.

AheartythankyoutomyagentJaneDystelandforeignagentLauren

Abramoforyourhardworkinplacingmybooksinbookstoresaroundtheworld,

andhelpingtoguidemywritingcareerwithasteadyhandandsoundadvice.

HelenWilliamsofAllBookedOut,mycoverdesigner,yougetandacceptmy

levelofcrazy.Yay!Iappreciateyourattentiontodetailandcreativity.Tomy

readers,fansandfollowers.YoumakethisallpossibleandIamsoincredibly

gratefultoyou.

Tomyhusband,John,foralwaysbelievinginme.Youneverwaver.Never

falter.Andthereisjustsomethingsoincrediblycomfortinginthat.Thankyoufor

beingmyrock.

WouldyouliketobeinformedofKendall’snextrelease?

Click

here

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releasesandsales.

TheGentlemanMentor

ComingMay5,2015

Fit,masculine,educatedmale,late-20’s.

Discreetandforthcoming.

Undermydirectionandguidancewomenlearnseductiontechniques,

howtoachieveclimaxwithandwithoutapartner,explorephysical

gratification,andmore.

Dominant,butdon’tbescared,kitten,I’mnotintopain.

Donotbemisled.Iampuremischief.ButI’mthebestkindoftrouble.

So,whatdoyousay?Doyoufeellikebeingnaughty?

Ifyou’rereadytoreachnewlevelsofpleasure,contactmeat

@thedominantgentlemanSeriousinquiresonly.

OtherTitlesbyKendallRyan

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ANewYorkTimes&USATodaybestseller

Ihavenoideawhysheauctionedoffhervirginityforacoolmil.

Regardless,I’mnowtheproudnewownerofaperfectlyintacthymen.Alotof

goodthatwilldome.Ihavecertaintastes,certainsexualproclivities.Mycock

isabitmorediscriminatorythanmost.Andtrainingavirgintakesfinesseand

patience–bothofwhichIlack.

SophieEvanshasbeenbackedintoacorner.Withhersister’slifehanging

inthebalance,theonlychoiceistoclawherwayout,evenifthatmeansselling

hervirginitytothehighestbidderatanexclusiveeroticclub.WhenColtonDrake

takesherhome,shequicklylearnsnothingisasitseemswiththisbeautifuland

intenseman.Beingwithhimposeschallengessheneverexpected,andpushesher

towantthingssheneveranticipated.

Asinfullyseductiveeroticromancewhereeverythinghasapriceandthe

costofloveisthehighestofallfromNewYorkTimes&USATodaybestselling

author,KendallRyan.

VisitKendallRyanat:

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www.kendallryanbooks.com

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TableofContents

AbouttheBook

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Twenty

Twenty-One

Twenty-Two

Twenty-Three

Twenty-Four

Twenty-Five

Twenty-Six

Twenty-Seven

Twenty-Eight

Twenty-Nine

Thirty

Thirty-One

Thirty-Two

Thirty-Three

Thirty-Four

Thirty-Five

Thirty-Six

Thirty-Seven

Thirty-Eight

Thirty-Nine

Forty

Forty-One

Forty-Two

Forty-Three

Forty-Four

Forty-Five

Forty-Six

Forty-Seven

Forty-Eight

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

OtherTitlesbyKendallRyan

VisitKendallRyanat…