Noble Young Adult – Not Just Romance!

Real Boys Kiss Boys
ISBN 978-1-60592-270-6
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Copyright 2011 Joe Filippone
Cover Art by C.H. Scarlett
Edited by Augusta Li

This book may not be reproduced or used in whole or in part by any existing means
without written permission from the publisher. Contact Noble Romance Publishing,
LLC at PO Box 467423, Atlanta, GA 31146.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or actual
events is purely coincidental. The characters are products of the author's imagination
and used fictitiously.

Dedication

For my mom, for always believing in me, and for my wonderful boyfriend, Nickie—the
find of a lifetime. I would also like to dedicate this book to all my Mitchs: May you find
your Lukas . . . . And to all my Lukas: May you find your Mitchs.

Blurb

It's a brand new school year and Mitch is not looking forward to it. He has also felt like
an outcast in his small town, never fitting in and never having any friends. But
suddenly that all changes when Luka, the new boy from California transfers to his
school. For the first time Mitch has a best friend and is truly happy but he soon finds
out that things are not always what they seem and life can be pretty complicated when
you're in high school.

Chapter One

The sun was just beginning to rise over the purple, jagged mountaintops that cut

the sky like a knife, staining the coal-black sky magnificent shades of crimson and straw

gold. It reminded me of the stained glass windows so prominently displayed in old,

Catholic cathedrals. My alarm clock went off with a series of shrill, annoying beep-

beeps. It was the only thing that penetrated the otherwise peaceful morning. Not even

the birds were up yet.

Groggily, my arm came alive, slithered over to the alarm clock like a cobra ready

to strike its prey, and silenced the clock's cries.

Slowly, my disheveled head broke through my blanket. I looked at the alarm

clock and groaned when I saw the time. Six-thirty.

Why does school have to start so early? I thought to myself. I'm seventeen. Doesn't the

stupid school realize I need my sleep?

As I lay in bed, trying to will myself to leave the sanctuary of my comfortable

blanket, I thought about schools I had heard about that didn't start until noon and had

two whole weeks off every month. I thought about kids who were home schooled and

didn't have to deal with the teasing, the bullying and all the other crap I had to go

through every day.

Lucky kids, I thought as I finally rolled out of bed and drunkenly walked to my

bathroom, body sliding against the wall. I was thankful I had those walls to hold me up.

I just have to get back into the routine of school. I gave myself a pep talk as I looked

at my face in the mirror. God, I look like something death threw up.

I let out a huge yawn and stretched my body out like a rubber band. I stretched

as long and wide as I could every morning, hoping that I would grow. I had always

hated that I was barely five foot five. How I longed to be one of those guys well over six

feet. Shaking my head, I reached for my toothbrush and began what was to become my

daily ritual of getting ready for school.

I hope this year goes by quickly, I thought. How many days until Christmas vacation? It

felt like a million.

While most kids looked forward to the first day of school, to being able to catch

up with old friends and trade stories of wild summertime adventures, I was scared out

of my mind. I had never been very popular or accepted. I didn't have any friends and I

never felt like I fit in with the other kids. Especially the boys. I always felt different. Like

a bird whose wings had been clipped.

Just two more years, I reassured myself, then high school will be over. It felt like an

eternity.

* * * * *

I walked slowly down the crowded hallway to my first class. History. I felt a

deep sadness in the pit of my stomach as I saw the other kids greeting long-lost friends

they hadn't seen in two months. I heard them regaling each other with tales of their

travels to the faraway and exotic worlds of Disneyland and SeaWorld. I felt a hint of

jealousy creep into that sadness as I heard some of them talk about cruises they had

been on.

What did I do during my summer vacation? Nothing. Tried to forget my

loneliness. You would think that being alone so much, one would get used to it, but

things just seemed to get harder, not easier. My parents were away a lot of the time so I

had to learn early on to take care of myself. During the whole two months of summer

break I saw my parents a total of four hours before they boarded their flight for their

eight month vacation in Europe.

Just two more years, I assured myself for the second time that day. Then I will be far

away from my parents and they will be the ones who will miss me. They will be the ones who

will want to see me and I can tell them I'm too busy to be bothered.

I told myself that a lot. Unfortunately, it was getting harder and harder to believe

that my parents would ever want to spend time with me. Or that they would even

realize I was gone when I did finally leave for college. Most of the time I believed they

had me because it was the "in thing" to do.

I walked into the history classroom, naturally the first one there. I had even

beaten the teacher. Taking my normal seat in the back corner of the room, I looked out

the window and saw some birds flying. How I wished I could be a bird, free to do

whatever I wanted. Go wherever I wanted. To have the freedom to soar above the

clouds. My heart went out to one little, speckled bird. It was smaller than the others and

wasn't very good at flying.

Sitting in the classroom, I felt like that little bird, wanting to soar but not even

able to hover as it flopped around on the window ledge, too scared to take a chance. I

let out a sigh and looked at the clock, hoping that if I stared at it long enough, maybe I

could make time move forward and make this day end as quickly as it had begun.

As it got closer and closer to seven-thirty, more and more students ambled into

the classroom to meet their inevitable destinies. The bell rang. There was a potion in the

air, a mixture of fear, excitement, and anticipation. We all sat in that room, waiting for

our teacher to appear and for our history fates to be sealed. Would he be cool? A

grouch? Would he be easy? Hard? All very important questions that we wanted

answered.

I looked around the room at the people I had been going to school with for the

last two years. Already, they had fallen back into their respective cliques. Jocks.

Cheerleaders. The beautiful people. Nerds. Geeks. Stoners. Burnouts. Emo. Rich. Poor.

Then there was me. Alone.

After a couple seconds, our history teacher walked in. I assessed him up and

down with my eyes. He was tall, probably a little over six feet, and young. Couldn't be

older than twenty-five.

Uh-oh, I thought. This could mean one of two things. Either he'll be really cool

and like one of the boys—gooble gobble, gooble, gobble, one of us, one of us—I smiled

briefly as I repeated the chant in my head. Or, and my smile faded, he could be really

hard and give us a lot of homework to prove to the principal that, even though he was

young, he would be a "good" teacher.

Why do teachers automatically assume that if they aren't making their students work for

hours after school on homework they aren't doing their job? Don't they know that we have lives

too?

Just think positive, I told myself. He looked pretty cool. Maybe he'd be super easy

and wouldn't make us do any work at all. I smiled at the wish.

Keep dreaming, loser, my pessimistic side chimed in loudly, rattling my eardrums.

You aren't that lucky.

I sighed, defeated. I was never very good in school, just barely sliding by. This

year was going to begin the exact same way last year had ended.

Then my eyes wandered over to the boy who had accompanied the teacher in.

He must be new.

Great deduction, Sherlock. Why else would he be standing next to the teacher?

He looked older than seventeen. I could tell just by looking at him that I should

watch out for him. Boys like him ate boys like me for midnight snacks. He was tall, just

a hair shorter than the teacher. Muscular. Probably a super jock who could easily get

anything and anybody he wanted. With hair that was a soft chestnut blond falling to

just the top of his shoulders, neatly trimmed goatee the color of burnt almonds, a great

tan that turned his skin a healthy copper color, faded, tight, blue jeans torn in all the

right places and a T-shirt that hugged his torso like a second skin, he looked like he had

just stepped out of the Abercrombie catalogue. A faded hoodie was tied loosely around

his hips.

Looking around the classroom, I smiled to myself. It was obvious that all of the

girls had fallen madly in lust with not only his model good looks, but also with the bad

boy, not-a-care-in-the-world, yet fun loving attitude he exuded.

"Welcome class." Our teacher spoke, smiling a big, goofy grin and running his

fingers through his own mop of shaggy, unkempt hair, letting us in on the secret of his

personality. "I'm Mr. Tomkins. I know that this is going to be a really fun year. I have

some really cool things planned for you guys."

Good, I thought. He's one of those teachers.

Careful, Pessimistic Mitchell warned. Could be a trap. Cool guys are tricky and known

for their traps.

I didn't listen. I had a good feeling my gut instincts about our teacher were right.

"Before we begin, we have a new student who has just transferred to Colorado

from North Hollywood, California. This is Luka Everest."

All the girls swooned. They knew Luka was the one who could fulfill their

surfer/rocker boy fantasies. Being from Cali, he could probably fulfill their model and

actor fantasies as well.

"I hope that all of you will make him feel welcome," the teacher continued.

"Luka, why don't you take a seat next to that young man," the teacher said, pointing at

me.

I looked over my shoulder to make sure the teacher was really pointing at me.

No one had ever called me "that young man" before. Usually, by the time summer

vacation came around, my teachers still referred to me as "that shy, quiet boy in the

back."

Luka Everest, whose middle name had to be Cool, walked over to the desk next

to me, took a seat and smiled at me.

Maybe I was wrong about him.

Although….It could be a clever ruse to earn my trust so it would be easier for

him to stuff me in my locker by lunch time.

"Hi." A soft, lyrical tenor cascaded over his full lips. I had never seen lips like that

on a guy before. They almost looked feminine. For some reason I liked them. "What's

your name?"

"Mitchell," I said.

"Luka." He repeated his name. "Nice to meet you."

He grabbed my hand in a tight, confident vice grip and shook it vigorously,

sending my body into convulsions and almost shaking me out of my chair. It was the

first earthquake I had ever experienced. It would not be the last.

"Now," the teacher continued. "My name is Mr. Tomkins and for the next year I

am going to, hopefully, make history fun for you . . . ."

* * * * *

After what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang, finally freeing us from morning

classes. I walked slowly down the hall to the cafeteria, my brown-bagged lunch in my

hand.

"Mitch! Yo, Mitch! Wait up!"

I stopped. Nobody had ever called me Mitch before. I turned and saw Luka

running toward me. My heart began to pound like an out of control kettle drum and I

sweated from places I didn't even know could sweat. In my seventeen years on earth,

I'd gotten used to bigger guys running toward me. It never ended well.

At least he doesn't waste any time, I thought, closing my eyes and preparing for the

beating of my life.

When he caught up with me, he put his arm around my shoulder and drew me

so close I could smell his scent. He acted like I really was one of the guys: a friend he

had had for years. It was the first gesture of friendship and male bonding that I had

ever experienced, though I was still suspicious. This could be part of an elaborate plan

to prove to the others that he really was one of them.

"What's up, buddy?" he asked me. Buddy. Nobody had ever called me buddy

before.

Well, they had, but it was usually followed by them stuffing me in a locker, or

sticking my head in a toilet, followed by maniacal laughter that would make the little

girl from The Exorcist shake with fear.

"Not too much," I said in a voice meek with fright.

"Cool. Wanna walk to lunch with me?"

"Um . . . Sure," I said, treading water carefully, my body and emotions still not

used to this unfamiliar territory.

"Sweet. I just need to get my lunch. Wanna walk with me to my locker?"

"Sure." This one came out with a little bit more confidence, though I still worried

he would push me off the cliff and I would fall right into his locker.

After Luka had gotten his lunch, we made our way to the crowded cafeteria. His

arm was still around me, hugging me close like we were best buddies. I liked it.

"Let's go outside," my first friend suggested. "It'll be nicer to eat in the sun than in

a smelly old cafeteria."

"Okay," I agreed, smiling at his personality. He wasn't like the others. He was . . .

. Different.

Why can't more guys be like him?

Careful, Pessimistic Mitchell warned. The rattlesnake may just be gaining the trust of

the mouse before he sinks his fangs in him.

We walked outside and were engulfed in the rays of the warm sun and the sweet

smell of freshly cut grass, hundred-year-old trees and blooming roses. The sounds of

jocks playing football and their girls cheering them on filled our ears.

"It's nice out here," I said, more to myself.

"Yeah. I wish we could have school outside."

"That would be cool."

We found a seat under the shade of a large apple tree and began to eat our feast

of turkey sandwiches, chocolate chip cookies, potato chips, and soda.

"Hey, Luka," I said, breaking the silence. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Mitch. What do you wanna know?"

"How old are you?"

"I just turned nineteen."

"Seriously?" I almost chocked on my sandwich. I couldn't believe he was two

years older than me.

"Yeah. I kind of failed junior year," he said, voice growing softer and bronzed

skin flushing a deep, ruby red.

"Oh. Is that why you transferred schools?"

"No. I kind of . . . well, I sort of got into some trouble at my old school." The

words tripped over themselves as the ruby red blush took over his whole face.

"Oh."

Judging by Luka's hesitancy, I could tell he wasn't ready to divulge the whole

story. And I, not wanting to lose the only friend I'd ever had, didn't push him. I figured

he would tell me when the time was right.

Being typical teenage boys, we scarfed down our lunches in five minutes.

"Give a hoot, don't pollute," Luka said with a smile as he walked to the trash can.

It made me laugh.

Stretching out under the shade of the old tree, we enjoyed the time we got to rest.

Looking up into the baby blue canvas, I became fascinated by a family of birds soaring

happily among the fluffy, marshmallow-like clouds. Closing my eyes, I pretended I was

among them as I imagined all the great adventures they must have.

"I wish I could fly," I suddenly blurted out.

The moment the words left my mouth I wished I was mute. It was the stupidest,

most childish thing I had ever heard. Bracing myself, I waited for Luka to laugh and

join the people he really belonged with.

"Me too," he responded, catching me completely off guard. "It would be cool to

be able to sweep and soar across the sky." He made his arms swoop around the air. I

couldn't help but smile. The gesture was unlike him. Or at least it was unlike gestures I

assumed guys like him were supposed to make. "I would lie on clouds and tickle the

trees," he said with a laugh.

A great air of relief escaped my lungs and I looked up into the vast, shiny

redness of the dozens of apples hanging in the tree like Christmas ornaments. I

wondered what their lives must be like, hanging from a tree all day, waiting for

someone to pick them and eat them. An apple, I deduced, must have a very short, sad

life.

I was drawn out of my thoughts as I felt Luka sit up. I turned my head and saw

him climb the tree. When he reached a branch inhabited by a dozen apples, he looked

down at me and grinned.

"Want an apple?"

"Sure."

He picked one and threw it down to me. I caught it and took a bite out of it,

allowing the juicy sweetness to fill my mouth and sweep around the top of my tongue

before invading my taste buds. Luka jumped out of the tree and landed next to me,

taking a huge bite out of his apple.

"Mmm." Luka moaned in pleasure, eyes closed. "That hits the spot."

"Yeah. These are really good."

"When I have my own place, I'm going to plant a hundred apple trees and every

morning I'll go out and pick a few. I'll make fresh apple juice, fresh apple pie, fresh

apple bread, fresh apple jam, fresh apple butter."

"You're gonna get sick of apples real fast," I said, smiling.

"Never," he assured me. "You can never get sick of apples."

We finished our dessert as the bell rang, signaling the end of our freedom and

time to, once again, return to the jail that was school. Sighing, I got to my feet and

looked off towards the gigantic mountains. I imagined the animals that lived in those

quiet mountains. No cares. No worries. No school. As I looked toward the school, all

the energy suddenly drained out of my body. How I longed for the freedom the animals

had. How I envied them.

"Save me the seeds, will you?" Luka asked, bringing me back to reality. I handed

him the seeds from my apple and he deposited them into a napkin along with their

cousins from his apple. "Might as well get started building my apple family," he said

with a laugh as he carefully stuck the napkin into his pocket. "Hey," he said suddenly.

"When's your birthday?"

"February fourteenth," I answered.

"You were born on Valentine's Day?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." He grinned.

"When's yours?"

"June twenty-fourth. I wish I was born on a holiday though. Being born on

Christmas would be cool. Twice the presents."

I laughed. I liked Luka. I liked him a lot.

Chapter Two

After what seemed like an eternity, the first week of school was finally over. One

week down, seventy-five thousand to go. The only good thing about school, that

hopefully would make my prison sentence end sooner, was that Luka and I became

closer and closer. He had really become not only a friend, but a best friend.

I sat up in my room, trying desperately to get through a novel for English, one

that was written a million years ago, when the doorbell rang. Thankful for an excuse to

stop reading the boring book, I got up and walked downstairs to the front door. I

opened the door to reveal the smiling face of Luka.

"Hey," I said, my mood elevated.

"What's up, buddy?"

"Not too much. Just trying to read Jane Eyre."

"Boring book. Try this," he said, handing me some Cliffs Notes. "It works a lot

better. Faster too," he added with a wink.

"Thanks," I said, taking the Cliffs Notes.

"So," Luka said, still smiling. "Doing anything today?"

"Nah. Just homework."

"That's boring," he said, walking inside and looking around. "Wow." He let out a

whistle of approval. "Nice place."

"Thanks," I said, following him and shutting the door, though I hardly thought of

my too-large house as nice. It was ugly. Lonely. Cold, even in the summer time.

"And you live here alone?"

"Pretty much."

"Cool. I wish my parents traveled and I could have the house to myself."

"No you don't. It gets pretty lonely."

"We should do something today," he suggested suddenly.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. We're young. We're unsupervised. We can do whatever we want."

I laughed. That was one thing I loved about Luka: his free spirit. I wished I could

be more like him and do whatever popped into my head.

Why does he like me? I asked myself. I had been asking myself that since we first

met.

We were so different, not only in looks but also in personality. He was, well,

basically an Adonis and I was short, terribly skinny and awkward, with glasses that

resembled Coke bottles. He was outgoing and I was embarrassingly shy. It must be

true. Opposites did attract.

"Hey," Luka burst out, reeling me in from my thoughts. "Let's go to a movie."

"Okay," I agreed, happy to take a break from homework and get out of the house.

* * * * *

The movie theatre was surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon. I would

never admit it out loud, but it was the first time I had been to the movies. I had always

thought there was something pathetic about going to the movies alone.

"This is great," Luka said with a grin when we walked into the theatre, which

only housed about seven other people. "Private screening."

High-fiving me, Luka bounded up the stairs like a puppy that had just been

brought home. He reached the very back row, settled into the overstuffed, maroon

velvet chair, and started to munch on his large, buttered popcorn. I sat down next to

him and took a drink of my Sierra Mist.

"Want some popcorn?" he asked, offering me the tub.

"I like to wait until the movie starts before I eat any popcorn," I explained.

"Otherwise I'll eat it all before the movie even starts."

"That's a good idea. I'm going to try that."

He sat there for several seconds, the popcorn resting idly on his lap. I could see

Luka trying desperately to distract himself, to take his mind off the buttery aroma that

wafted up his nose and tempted him to partake of its goodness. He looked around the

movie theatre. Tried to make small-talk with me. Hummed some songs. Biting my lips,

it took all my strength to keep my laughs contained as his body quaked liked a junkie

going through withdrawal. Finally it became too much for him and he went back to

eating the popcorn.

"That was hard. How long did I last?" he asked eagerly. "It felt like at least fifteen

minutes."

"It was only thirty seconds," I said, laughing.

"Oh." He was silent for a couple minutes before saying, "It felt longer. Don't

know how you can wait."

Luka joined in my laughter but quickly stifled it as the movie theatre grew black

as a witch's cape and the movie started to play. I sat in my seat, watching the onscreen

antics of the fictional characters. Throughout the movie, I found myself looking over at

Luka to see his reactions. He was sitting at the edge of his seat, totally enraptured with

the movie. The only movement came from his hand as it steadily shoveled popcorn into

his mouth. He didn't even blink. It was as if he didn't even know the outside world

existed. As I watched him, I again wished I could be like my friend. Carefree. Enamored

with simple things. Eternally happy. Without a care in the world and with nothing to

make him feel like an outcast, Luka was the luckiest boy in the world.

After the movie ended, Luka and I walked through a park near my house. A

slight, warm breeze made the trees gently sway back and forth, as if they were dancing

to some invisible music. The leaves were just beginning to fade and fall to the ground in

crispy little piles. The breeze kept us cool as we made our way along the dusty, shady

trail. A pale blue river that shimmered and looked like glass flowed rhythmically beside

us. The cool waves playfully hit the glistening rocks. I watched the many speckled fish

play tag and hide and seek among the multi-colored, fluorescent coral.

"Looks like they're enjoying their Saturday." Luka smiled at the fish.

"Yeah. Lucky them. They don't have to do homework."

Luka laughed. "That movie was awesome." His voice was full of energy. "That's

the kind of movie that you see over and over again. I wish I was an actor." He abruptly

changed the subject. "That would be so cool. You make millions of dollars just to play

make believe all day. What a great life. I think I'll become an actor one day."

That was another thing I admired about Luka. He wanted to be everything in the

world. If he heard someone talking about how they just got back from climbing Mount

Everest, Luka would respond with, "That sounds like fun. I would love to do that. I'm

going to start training because one day, I'm going to climb Mount Everest. Plus, I'll be

able to say that I climbed a mountain that was named after me." Then he would laugh.

From then on he would talk of nothing but climbing Mount Everest until someone else

brought up something that they had done, then he would forget all about Mount

Everest and his lifelong dream to be a great mountain climber. Luka's the luckiest person

in the world. I wish I was him, I thought.

Chapter Three

As the weeks blossomed into months, the girls in school became more and more

interested in getting to know Luka "better." Luka, however, seemed totally oblivious to

both the subtle and not-so-subtle advances of the girls. It was as if he wasn't interested

in going out with them at all. All he wanted to do was hang out with me, which I was

totally fine with, but still, I found it weird that he didn't want to go out with girls that I

would sell my parents to the gypsies to for the chance to go out with.

The girls, frustrated with the lack of attention Luka gave them, often found

themselves coming to me, bombarding me with a rapid fire attack of questions.

"Does he have a girlfriend, Mitchell?"

"Why doesn't he want to go out with me?"

"Will you build me up to him?"

"You're his best friend, Mitchell. Why doesn't he date?"

These were the kind of questions I constantly heard whenever Luka wasn't by

my side. And the more I told the girls I didn't know why Luka didn't bite the lines they

continuously cast, the more the raging hormones and lust of the teenage girls would not

be satisfied with those answers. They were convinced I knew something I was not

telling, which I didn't, and therefore pushed and questioned me more and more. I felt

like I was being interrogated for murder.

Plus it was frustrating. The girls were finally giving me attention but it wasn't the

attention I had always fantasized about.

Finally, after three weeks of the attacks, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to

confront Luka and ask him why he was not interested in dating. I found him sitting

under the apple tree, happily munching on an afternoon apple.

"Hey," he said, smiling as I walked up to him. His smile dropped however, as I

got close enough for him to see my face. "What's wrong?" he asked, worry creeping into

his voice.

"I have to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Why don't you want to go out with any of the girls in school? I mean, I don't get

it. You're a good looking guy. They all want you. I would kill to have girls give me that

kind of attention."

"I just don't want to have a relationship with any of them right now, Mitch," he

honestly confessed.

"You don't have to have a relationship with them. Just take them out on a date so

they'll leave me alone."

"I don't really date."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I just heard.

Guys who looked like Luka dated; they couldn't help it. It was in their genetic

makeup. It was what was expected of them. Guys who looked like me were the ones

who weren't supposed to date. Guys who looked like me weren't even supposed to

reproduce. At least, that's what it felt like a lot of the time.

"It's true," Luka said. "I just don't date."

"Does this have something to do with the trouble you got into at your other

school?"

"Kind of," Luka said, hesitating, still not wanting to divulge the whole story to

me. "It's just, girls have certain expectations when they go out with me and I can't fulfill

them." It took him a long time to get this last part out. It would be many months before I

fully understand why he couldn't fulfill those expectations.

"What do you mean?" I asked, totally confused at his confession.

"I'll tell you someday," Luka said with a slight smile and a friendly pat on my

knee.

Not wanting to press the issue or upset Luka, I let the subject drop. My curiosity

was raised and I hoped our relationship would develop to where Luka could trust me

to tell me his deepest, darkest secrets. Little did I know just how deep and dark those

secrets would be.

* * * * *

"This is impossible," Luka cried out before throwing The Good Earth across my

bedroom. It hit the wall with a loud thump and fell to the floor in a heap. "This is the

fourth novel we've had to read for English in the last month. I hate Old Lady Tucker.

Doesn't she know we're in high school and we have lives?"

"Why don't you just read the Cliffs Notes?" I suggested with a slight grin.

"Ha ha, Mitch," Luka deadpanned. "You know Old Lady Tucker reads the Cliffs

Notes and then makes sure to put information on the tests that you can only get from

reading the whole book. That's the problem with the world today. No trust."

I did agree with Luka that the books we were forced to read in our prison of

knowledge were quite boring. Two hundred and some pages of people trying to either

find themselves, or find true love or better themselves. So untrue to real life. Why

couldn't we read books that were interesting? Books about us? That didn't deal with

love?

Love. I repeated the word in my head. I had been thinking a lot about that

subject, wondering if I would ever find the right girl for me. Sometimes it felt like every

boy in the world had a girlfriend except me. I often wondered what was wrong with

me. Why none of the girls seemed to notice me. Hopefully soon, the right girl would

come along for me. I desperately wanted to be kissed for the first time and know what it

felt like to hold someone in my arms.

"Hey, space cadet." Luka snapped his fingers in front of my eyes, bringing me

back to reality. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Let's take a break," Luka said, getting off my bed. "I want to show you

something."

He grabbed my arm, pulled me to my feet and dragged me out the door.

"Where are we going?" I asked as our feet thudded against the faded pavement

in perfect sync.

Luka merely grinned like a sly fox and led me into the dense woods about two

miles from our neighborhood. My stomach twisted into a giant pretzel of excitement. I

had never explored the woods before. The truth was I was always scared I would get

lost. At least with Luka, if I got lost I wouldn't be alone.

As I followed Luka through the thick woods my mind raced with what he

wanted me to see so badly. I had questioned him but he had just flashed that award

winning, perfect smile and uttered a mysterious, "You'll see."

It had snowed the night before. Fresh, virginal, white snow gently blanketed the

ground. It crunched under our sneakers and sparkled like diamonds. The sun shone

bright, giving the forest the look of a mythical fairyland. The dark green trees stood

proud, completely covered in snow. Owls voyeuristically watched us as we walked.

Small squirrels scurried around the ground, searching for mid-afternoon snacks.

"Luka, are we almost there?"

"Just a little bit further, Mitch. Wait 'til you see it," he said, his voice rising with

excitement. "This is the single greatest discovery in the history of single greatest

discoveries."

My heart beat with anticipation at what Luka was about to show me. I tried to

think of what it could be. What could get Luka this excited? But my mind was nothing

but a thick fog.

"Wait." Luka stopped so suddenly that I almost crashed into him. "We're here.

Close your eyes. It's a surprise."

"Luka, this is corny."

"Please, Mitch." Luka made a puppy dog face that made me laugh. His eyes grew

large as saucers and almost popped out of his head. He puffed out his lips and even

whined. I almost reached out and ruffled his shaggy hair. Almost.

"Okay," I said, playing along.

I closed my eyes, growing nervous that I was suddenly blind. Instinctively my

hands brought themselves up, acting as a shield so I wouldn't run into anything. My

breathing became rapid and my body tensed so tightly it hurt. I even started to shake a

little, despite my efforts to remain in control. I let out a sigh of relief, larger than I

intended, when Luka's hand grasped my own.

"I got you, buddy. Do you trust me?" His voice was a whisper on the wind.

"Yes." My voice matched his in intensity.

It was an automatic reflex. I didn't even have to think about the answer. It was

out of my mouth before my brain could process it. I didn't know why, but I knew that

Luka would never do anything to hurt me intentionally or let anything bad happen to

me.

Luka stepped behind me and gripped my shoulders firmly.

"Okay," he whispered in my ear, hot breath tickling me and sending a little

shiver that I couldn't explain through my body. "Walk forward. I'll guide you."

I slowly walked forward as Luka kept his hands on my shoulders, acting as a

guide dog to keep me from crashing into the trees. As we walked, I faintly heard the

gentle crashing of a waterfall; it wasn't very big from what I could tell. I smelled the

cool, clean scent of the water, unmarked by human pollution.

"Okay, stop. Open your eyes."

I regained my sight and lost my breath. In front of me was one of the most

beautiful sights I had ever seen. We were in front of a small lagoon, most of its water

frozen, compliments of Old Man Winter. The clear, blue water offered us a window to

the bottom. Acting as voyeurs, we watched schools of fish play hide and seek with each

other. At the extreme north side of the lagoon was the water fall, frozen in time, gently

falling onto the rocks below. A smaller waterfall, untouched by winter's icy kiss, spilled

into the lagoon a few yards from its big brother, hitting the rocks below. Thousands of

trees, offering a full canopy against the rays of the sun, shaded the lagoon.

"This is incredible," I said, my voice barely audible.

"I know. I found it yesterday while I was exploring. I couldn't wait to show you."

"This is amazing."

It truly was like a fairyland that only existed in fantasy books. The lagoon was

the best gift I had ever received. I felt truly lucky to be able to see something this

beautiful.

"This is our place," Luka promised. "We can come here whenever we want.

Whenever we need to escape from the real world."

"Thank you for sharing this with me."

"What are best friends for?"

My heart soared at his words. Best friends. I knew it was true. I knew we would

be best friends forever.

* * * * *

We sat by the lagoon for hours. A slight, cool breeze filled the air, leading Mother

Nature's perfume up through our noses, a magnificent mixture of clover, sap, snow and

flower petals.

"This place is paradise," Luka said with pleasure in his eyes. "This must have

been what The Garden of Eden was like."

"Mm-hm," was all I could muster.

"I wish I lived here," my companion continued. "You and me should run away

from home and live here forever. We can do whatever we want, whenever we want.

We'll be free to fish and swim and just be boys. Live with nature just like God

intended."

"Yeah," I said dreamily at the thought of living with my companion among the

animals and never having to worry about the real world again.

I closed my eyes, content to lie on the ground until dusk. Or even later. I opened

my eyes as a coal-black shadow fell across my face. Luka stood above me, arms

outstretched, taking deep breaths. He looked around our outdoor palace, smiling like a

little kid who'd been locked in a candy store. He bent his elbows, contorting them into

perfect, forty-five degree angles, beat his chest and let out a long, shrill Tarzan yell,

causing me to laugh. His echo answered him several times.

"Come on, Mitch," he said, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me up. "Yell with

me."

"No, Luka, I can't," I said, feeling my face burn like hot coals as it probably

turned a deep shade of magenta.

"Don't be embarrassed. It'll be fun," he said, getting me to my feet and letting out

another yell. "Come on. Just like that."

I timidly let out a yell that couldn't be heard by anybody unless they were

standing an inch in front of me.

"That was pathetic," Luka teased, hitting my arm. "Come on, let her rip. Yell.

Hello!" Luka called and his voice answered him. Hello. Hello. Hello. "Hey!" He screamed

and again his echo answered. Hey. Hey. Hey.

He let out another, louder, longer yell. I joined in a little louder, laughing when

we finished. Our echoes joined together in perfect harmony.

"See," Luka said in between laughter. "It's fun, isn't it? Come on, again."

And there we stood for what seemed like an eternity letting out primal yells and

listening to our echoes answering us. I had never felt so free in my life. It felt like I was a

bird who had just discovered how to fly. Suddenly I felt like I hadn't really been living

the last seventeen years. I felt like now I could soar. Joined in laughter, Luka threw his

arms around my shoulders and drew me tight. Soon my own arms were around his

shoulders as we looked over the lagoon, like rulers over our land.

* * * * *

"Let's go swimming," Luka said, sitting up excitedly.

We'd sought sanctuary at the lagoon every day` since we had found it. It was

finally warm enough to even think about swimming. The sun had melted the snow and

ice, allowing the water to run free.

"I didn't bring my swimming suit."

"So? Neither did I."

He stood up and stripped out of his T-shirt and jeans. As he stood there in his

tight, pale, blue briefs that obscenely showed off everything, I couldn't help but look

away, embarrassed. He walked to the edge of the lagoon and jumped into the water.

"Yahoo!" he shouted out as he swan-dove into the water.

Resurfacing after a few seconds and wiping his long, blond hair out of his eyes,

he looked up at me and waved. The few strands of cinnamon-colored hair that lived

under his arms glistened with water.

"Come on in, Mitch. The water's great."

"I don't think so," I yelled back.

"Come on. It's fun. Don't be embarrassed."

"Maybe later."

"Please." Luka pouted.

"That look isn't going to work on me again, Luka."

"What's the problem, Mitch?"

"I . . . ." I faltered and took a deep breath. I had never told anyone this before. "I

don't know how to swim." I looked away in shame, feeling like a baby.

"Seriously?" Luka asked, his face filling with disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Well, shit. I'll teach you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to. It's no fun swimming by myself. Now take off your clothes."

I stared at him, not wanting to expose my skinny body to the muscular boy,

embarrassed at the differences of our builds. His tanned, golden-brown and well-

muscled like a Greek statue. Mine, a light shade of cream and scrawny as a scarecrow. I

was scared that he would laugh and make fun of me.

"Come on," Luka urged. "Don't be embarrassed."

How did he know what I was thinking? I wondered as I slowly climbed out of my T-

shirt and jeans. I crossed my arms over my chest. Standing there in my white briefs, I

felt my body turn all shades of ruby.

"Your body's not that bad," Luka said, treading water. "Lots of boys would kill to

have it."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed, not convinced.

"I'm serious, buddy. You're really slim and slender," he said, swimming toward

me. "Jump in."

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to jump."

"Don't worry, I'll catch you."

"You promise?"

"Yeah. Do you trust me?"

"I trust you."

I closed my eyes, held my breath and took the leap of faith off the ledge. It

seemed to take me hours to reach the water. It felt like I was falling in slow motion.

Finally I felt the cool water touch the bottoms of my feet and then swallow my body

whole. I felt Luka's arms tighten around my stomach and pull me to the surface. He

brushed my hair out of my eyes and smiled at me.

"That was awesome," he said.

"Thanks," I said, smiling slightly. "Don't let go," I tightened my arms around him,

scared of drowning.

"Don't worry." He smiled at me. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to hold onto

you the whole time."

I let out a breath of fear as he gently tipped me onto my back.

"Don't worry, I've got you," he said, sensing my fear.

My fears diminished slightly as I felt his gentle touch against my skin, keeping

me afloat. For the next several hours, I gradually grew more and more comfortable with

my first swimming lesson. Luka made me feel safe and secure in the unpredictable

water, always assuring me that he wasn't going to let anything happen to me, and I

believed him.

"Thank you," I said as we climbed out of the water and put our clothes back on.

"What are best friends for?" Luka replied.

By the time we got dressed and started the hike away from paradise back to

civilization, the sun had picked out heavy, black storm clouds to wear as a Halloween

mask. The wind started to pick up, creating a cold breeze that made our still-wet skin

freeze; it was like Mother Nature was poking us with pins. By the time Luka walked me

to my front door a complete downpour had soaked us to the bone.

"Looks like we got here just in time," he said, wiping his hair from his eyes. The

rain had turned his normally sandy blond hair a deep-fried, cinnamon brown.

"Yeah," I agreed. "You want to come in for a few minutes? Dry off? Get warm?"

"Nah. I got to head home anyway."

"You can't walk home in this rain," I said.

"I don't mind. I love the rain. It makes you clean."

He flashed his perfect smile.

"You're crazy," I said with a laugh.

"Absolutely bonkers," he said with a crazy laugh as he made the goofiest face I

had ever seen. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Great."

He hit my shoulder and waved to me before running down the driveway.

I closed the door, a huge smile plastered across my face. I had finally made a

friend. A real friend. A true friend. A best friend. A friend I knew was going to be with

me for the rest of my life. A single "Yes," escaped from my voice box as I threw my

hands up triumphantly and fell against the door. As I made my way up the stairs, I

found myself humming a tune, something I had never done before. I kept humming as I

stripped off my clothes, climbed into the shower, and let the hot water crash against my

skinny body, warming me. The song stuck in my head as I climbed into bed and quickly

fell into a deep sleep, my mind and my dreams filled with the paradise that Luka had

been kind enough to introduce to me.

Chapter Four

I spurted and gasped for air as the salty water of the lagoon filled my lungs and

tried to sink me as if I was the Titanic. Luka laughed as he grabbed back onto me and

pulled me out of my watery coffin. He brushed my sopping, wet hair from my eyes as I

coughed up water, returning it to the lagoon.

"Sorry," Luka said between giggles. "I guess you weren't ready for me to let go of

you yet."

"It's all right." I choked out the words, causing Luka to giggle harder. "I almost

died and you're giggling."

"I'm sorry, Mitch," Luka said, trying to turn serious though it only caused him to

giggle more. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I promise I'll stop."

I watched him try to contain his laughter, much like a little kid when he hears his

first dirty joke. He failed several times before I finally couldn't control myself any

longer and gave into the laughter that wanted to erupt from my mouth. After we had

had a good, long laugh and splashed each other, Luka challenged me to a duel.

"You want to try it again? I promise I won't let go of you unless you tell me to."

I nodded and allowed Luka to gently take hold of my shoulders and lower back

and start to push me through the water. My body began to relax at the feel of Luka's

strong, protective hands on it, keeping me from sinking into the clear, blue abyss. A

gasp of fear escaped my throat as Luka let go of my shoulders and used his free hand to

push my legs up until I was lying flat on my back. All the while, he assured me that I

was okay, that he had me and wasn't going to let me go. I tried to concentrate on the

fluffy, white, marshmallow-like clouds in the sky, seeing if they would paint any

pictures for me today. Luka had his hands under my back and neck, keeping me afloat,

talking all the while to keep me calm.

"Don't be scared, buddy. Just try to relax. I got you. I won't let anything happen

to you. Do you trust me, Mitch?"

"Yes." I could barely get the word out. I coughed as my voice squeaked.

"Man, puberty sucks." Luka smiled down at me, causing me to laugh at his joke. I

felt lucky to have someone like Luka in my life.

And so began our ritual. Whenever we could escape from the reality of our lives,

we went to the lagoon and Luka taught me how to swim. Actually, it was more of Luka

holding me afloat as I tried to remember how to breathe.

The first few lessons I felt very embarrassed and worried that Luka would laugh

at me or get fed up and decide that he really didn't want to hang out with a loser like

me.

"Don't be embarrassed." Luka seemed able to read my thoughts. "It takes time to

get over fears and learn new skills."

Luka's reassuring words and warm smile always helped chase away any fears I

had that he would someday abandon me and I would be alone again.

"You're really improving," Luka complimented me as we made the trek back to

town.

"Yeah sure," I scoffed, not truly believing him but grateful he cared enough to lie

to me.

"I'm serious, Mitch. I've seen improvements. Why, come next summer, you'll be

swimming better than a trout."

I smiled as he patted me on the back. "Thanks again for teaching me how to

swim."

"No sweat," he said nonchalantly, "I'm enjoying it. It's nice to have someone to

hang out with."

This last statement caught me completely off guard. I didn't think a guy like

Luka would have trouble finding people to hang out with. I would soon find out that

people didn't always conform to the stereotypes that were expected of them.

* * * * *

"Why are you making me do this?" Luka groaned as I adjusted the navy blue tie

and straightened the shoulders of his suit, a dark, coal-black that would have made

Prince Charming green with envy. "Mitch, I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Don't be silly."

"But why are you making me do this?" Luka whined like a little kid.

"Because I'm selfish. If you go out with Sara then she will get off my back. And if

you two hit it off, that could lead to more dates and hopefully all those other girls will

get off my back."

"Those girls have been bugging you to set them up with me since school started.

It's October. Why are you doing this now?"

"Because I got tired of them bugging me. What's the problem, Luka? Sara's one of

the hottest girls in school."

"Then why don't you go out with her?"

"Girls like her don't go out with guys like me."

"Will you stop? You're a great looking guy. There's probably lots of girls who

would go out with you."

"Yeah, yeah," I said sarcastically. "They're lined up around the block waiting to

get to me."

"I just hope nothing goes wrong. I have a bad feeling about this."

"Come on. It's a movie. Not marriage. Just take her to the show, have a good

time, and tell me all about your date tomorrow. Now go. You're going to be late."

I pushed Luka out the door.

What is up with him? I thought to myself. I would have killed to go out with Sara.

Maybe he'd tell me his type so I could set him up with the perfect girl.

As I thought about Luka's reluctance to date, I thought about what he had said

about getting in trouble at his old school and having to move from California to

Colorado. Did his problem have something to do with a girl? Had he gotten a girl

pregnant? We had gotten terribly close since school started and that was the only thing

he refused to talk to me about.

Hopefully he will someday, I thought to myself. I hope he has a good time tonight. I

grinned a devilish grin at the next part. Maybe he'll have some good details about Sara to

share with me. I may not be able to touch but I can still imagine and live vicariously.

I smiled at my dorkiness and went up to my room to do some last minute math

equations. The perfect way to end the day.

* * * * *

The next day Luka wasn't in school. This struck me as odd, and for the whole

day I wondered what had happened to my friend. Maybe he had gotten sick. Or maybe

his date went so well that he was lying at home in bed, exhausted from a night of

unbridled teenage lust and passion. I smiled at that last part. Luka wasn't like that. He

wouldn't have sex with a girl on the first date.

Then where was he?

After the last bell rang, signaling freedom, I walked to my locker to take home

the backbreaking load of books I needed to complete that night's homework

assignments. The day had seemed to last longer than usual because of the absence of

my companion. I made plans to call Luka as soon as I got home and give him hell for

leaving me alone in the dungeon when Sara and her older brother Brant walked by me.

"Where's your friend?" Sara asked with an evil sneer.

"I don't know," I answered meekly, afraid of both her and her very muscular,

very tall, very large brother.

"I guess he didn't want to show his pretty, little face today," Brant said with

venom in his voice. This last statement made chills run down my spine.

"What did you do to him?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"You'll see," Brant said with an evil smile that made my heart sink.

The two started to walk away before Sara turned back and said ominously, "Tell

Luka I had a great time last night. Maybe we can do it again sometime." This caused

both of them to cackle.

I quickly loaded my books into my backpack, slammed my locker shut and ran

home to call my friend.

All the way home I analyzed the conversation I had had with Brant and Sara.

What did they mean that Luka didn't want to show his "pretty face?" What had they

done to him? And more importantly, why had they done whatever they had done? I

quickened my pace until I was running. My backpack slammed against my lower back,

and I knew it would be a mess of black and blue marks by the time I got home, but I

didn't care. The more I replayed the conversation in my head the more my stomach

knotted with worry. Why did the human mind always assume the worst in every

situation?

Chapter Five

I burst through the front door like a hurricane, threw off my backpack and made

a bee-line for the phone. I picked it up and began to dial Luka's number when I heard a

familiar voice.

"Mitch?"

I threw down the phone. There was only one person in the world who called me

that.

"Luka?"

I started walking through the house, trying to find him.

"Luka, where are you?"

"I'm in the den."

I walked to the den and almost fainted at the sight. There was Luka, lying on the

floor against the overstuffed, Italian leather sofa, still wearing the same suit as last

night, although now badly torn. His face was a mess of cuts and bruises, stained with

black blood hard as pizza crust. His left eye looked like a raccoon's, all puffy and

different colors of blue, black and purple. I ran to him.

"Oh my God. Luka, what happened?"

"Rough night," Luka joked and smiled through the pain.

"Who did this to you?"

"Brant."

"Sara's brother? Why?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Luka," I said, helping him up and leading him to the bathroom to clean him up.

"How long have you been here?"

"Since about eight. I didn't want anyone to see me."

"Is anything broken?" I asked as I wet a wash cloth and gingerly began to wash

his face.

"Nah. Pride's hurt more than anything," he answered, though he winced at the

wash cloth's cool touch.

"Luka, why would Brant do this to you?" I repeated the question. "What

happened last night?"

"Nothing. That's why he did it."

"What?" I was confused.

"Nothing happened between me and Sara. We went to the movie and I took her

home. She wanted me to come in. Said we would have the house to ourselves and could

do whatever we wanted. I told her I didn't want to. That I don't do that. She got pissed

and said I would be sorry. I was walking home when Brant and Sara jumped me and

Brant beat the shit out of me. Sara told him that I had tried to…."

He couldn't finish. He began to cry and grabbed onto me, almost knocking me

off my feet. I held him as he sobbed into my chest.

"It's going to be okay." I comforted my friend. "Don't cry anymore, Luka. It's

going to be okay."

As Luka sobbed into my chest I grew angry at Brant and Sara. How could they

do this to a decent guy like Luka? How could Sara have told those lies to her brother

just because he didn't want to have sex with her on the first date? I became more and

more angry at the girl. My anger turned to hate as I wished evil on her.

You deserve a jerk, I thought to myself. You should end up with a guy who would rape

you, beat you up and make you cry like you did Luka.

These thoughts scared me. I had never felt this much hatred toward anyone in

my entire life. I would quickly learn that hate can make people do all kinds of irrational

things.

* * * * *

Things returned to normal within a few weeks. Luka's bruises healed. Sara and

Brant left him alone, although they still looked at him with daggers whenever they saw

him. Sara, however, had focused her attention on another guy. Ironically, he looked

almost exactly like Luka.

Poor guy, I thought, he better have sex with her or else he'll have a date with Brant's

fist.

I tried not to think about Sara or Brant too much, as it still made me seethe with

rage over what they had done to Luka.

* * * * *

The rain pounded the outside of my window as if it wanted to break through the

glass and drown Luka and myself. We were in my room, bored out of our minds and

trying to think of something to do.

"Want to watch some videos?" I asked, not too thrilled with the idea.

"Nah."

"Listen to music?" I suggested half-heartedly.

"No. I hate this. This is like the most boring day in history."

"No kidding."

There was silence between us for several minutes. Luka was sprawled out on my

bed, looking up at the ceiling and absentmindedly stroking his goatee. I sat next to him,

my back up against my headboard, knees to my chest.

"I wish the rain would stop," I said aloud.

"Me too."

Suddenly, Luka popped up like a jack-in-a-box, giving me a heart attack and

almost causing me to fall off the bed.

"I know what we can do."

"What?" I asked, thankful for something to do to hopefully make the time go

faster until bedtime.

"How about a krampack?"

"Krampack?" I repeated the unfamiliar word. "What's that?" I asked, afraid of

sounding like an idiot who wasn't up on the latest slang.

"I think it's Spanish," Luka told me. "The guy who I first did it with was Spanish

and that's what he called it."

"What exactly do we do?"

"It's a circle jerk," Luka said, "only with just the two of us. Although….I guess

you could do it with more. I just always did krampacks with one other dude."

"What?" I couldn't believe what Luka was suggesting. I was sure he was joking.

"What's wrong?" Luka asked, seeing the look of uncertainty and fear in my eyes.

"Nothing," I lied, knowing that he would see through it.

"Have you ever done a circle jerk?" Luka asked me seriously.

"No."

I was completely honest in my answer. Sure, I had done my fair share of

masturbating, what guy hasn't, but I had never masturbated with another guy or even

in front of another guy. Before Luka had brought up the suggestion, I hadn't even

entertained the notion. I was too self-conscious about my body to allow myself to be

seen naked in front of anybody, especially another guy, where comparisons would be

made.

"You've done this with other guys?" I asked.

"Oh sure. Lots of time," Luka said off-handedly.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't imagine doing something like

that. Ever.

"It's really not so bad," Luka continued. "It's kind of fun. My friend taught me

this trick. Sit on your hands."

"What?"

"Just sit on your hands."

I followed Luka's example and sat on my hands, feeling stupid.

"Now," Luka said. "Your hands should start to tingle. You're cutting off the

circulation and making them fall asleep. When you jerk off, it'll feel like someone else is

doing it to you. It feels great."

I sat there with my hands under my butt, looking like a skinny monkey and

watching as Luka removed his hands and started to unbutton his jeans.

"Luka, stop." I couldn't keep the words from coming out.

"What's wrong, Mitch?"

"I….I can't do this." I felt like a baby and was sure Luka would storm out of my

room and my life forever.

"That's cool," Luka said, unscathed. "It can be weird to jack-off with another guy

at first. If you ever want to, let me know. It can be fun."

Luka flashed a grin and I smiled back at him, grateful for having such an

understanding friend.

* * * * *

It was midnight and I couldn't sleep. For some reason I was restless and just

couldn't get comfortable. I climbed out of bed and made my way to the kitchen for a

midnight snack. I got out a gallon of chocolate ice cream, walked into the living room,

and turned on the TV. Sitting on the couch and watching old sitcoms, I ate my ice

cream, hoping that I would grow tired soon.

After a while, I did grow tired. Only I was tired of The Golden Girls reruns. I

turned off the TV and tried to think of something else to do. My mind drifted back to

this afternoon with Luka and what he had tried to teach me.

Should I?

What the hell, I had nothing else to do and I was curious.

I walked back up to my room, keeping the lights off, and climbed into bed. I

placed my hands underneath my butt and waited for the tingling sensation to

overpower them. Once that happened, I removed my hands, slid down my briefs and

started my masturbation session.

As soon as I started the rhythmic motion of stroking my penis, I couldn't help but

moan in pleasure. Luka was right. It felt just like someone else was giving me a hand

job. I closed my eyes and imagined one of the girls on the cheerleading squad in my bed

and jerking me off. I let out a deep moan of pleasure as I experienced the most intense

orgasm of my young adult life. I lay there in my bed, my body covered in sweat,

breathing heavily.

Damn. This is the only way to masturbate, I concluded. I must remember to thank Luka

for introducing this new technique to me.

* * * * *

"You really did it?" Luka asked me the next afternoon at school as we sat outside

under the apple trees, eating our food.

"Uh-huh." I nodded my head, still a little embarrassed at discussing something so

intimate with him.

"How did it feel?"

"It felt really great."

This caused Luka to laugh.

"I told you."

"I feel a little funny telling you about this."

"Don't. This is what friends do."

* * * * *

During the next several weeks, I experienced something that had never

happened to me before. Luka was constantly on my mind. When I wasn't with him, I

thought about him. When I knew we were going to hang out together, my stomach was

a mix of nervous, little, excited butterflies that kept bumping into each other as they

flew around the small confines. I didn't know what this meant; I assumed that it was

because he was the first friend I had ever had.

* * * * *

The lights were off. The only light came from the TV. Luka and I sat on the

couch, engrossed in the horror movies that played and eating popcorn and candy.

Luka was dressed as a vampire. His blond hair was slicked back and he had

covered his face with powder-white makeup. Dressed in tight leather pants and a tank

top that left nothing to the imagination, he could definitely rival any vampire from the

movies. I was dressed as a hobo. Earlier that day Luka and I had gone to the thrift store,

and he had helped me pick up the baggiest, most tattered, old clothes we could find. I

had even found an old fedora that was near death. Luka had found some coal and

thanks to it, for the first time in my life, I had some stubble.

It was the first time since I was eight that I had dressed up for Halloween. It was

the first time ever that I hadn't spent the holiday alone.

"Hey, let's go trick-or-treating," Luka suggested suddenly.

"Aren't we a little old?" I asked, scared we would run into some of the guys from

school.

"You're never too old for free candy," Luka said, turning off the TV. "Now come

on before the little kids get all the good stuff."

I got to my feet. It was hard to say no to Luka. His childlike enthusiasm about

everything made even the geekiest activities seem cool.

Walking into the night, I couldn't help but gasp in excitement. The bland

neighborhood had been transformed. Every house was overpowered with ghosts,

skeletons, spider webs complete with intimidating black widows, and orange pumpkins

of every size imaginable, watching the fun with all kinds of menacing scowls.

The cool night air was filled with the laughter of ghosts, goblins, witches and

every kind of spook and specter the human mind could think of. Luka watched a group

of giggling children run past us and put an arm around me.

"See, isn't this fun? Besides, we need to stock up on candy. We're almost out and

the night is still young. There's lots of horror movies on TV tonight."

"Good thinking," I said.

With just the bright light from the pale, full, blue moon to guide us, we made our

way from neighborhood to neighborhood. Soon our pillowcases almost overflowed. It

was still early, only a little after ten, and Luka and I decided to head back to my house

to count up our loot and finish our horror movie marathon.

Chapter Six

"Way to go, Mitch!" Luka cheered me on.

He whooped and hollered as I swam the length of the lagoon. I was euphoric as I

basked in his praises.

Luka had been startled and then amazed as he watched me swan dive off the cliff

into the water. I had reemerged and swam like a trout.

It had been months since our first swimming lesson. The beginning of November

was upon us and the air just beginning to turn cold with fall's breath, so I figured it was

now or never. We had had an unusually hot October, only getting snow once, and I

didn't want to wait until next spring or summer to show off for Luka. Words couldn't

express how proud I was of myself for conquering my fears. And hearing Luka's shouts

of encouragement and praise gave me a high that was better than any drug.

After I completed the lap, my swimming coach swam over to me and gave me a

bear hug so tight it took my breath away.

"That was amazing." He bestowed the compliment on me. "You're ready to

compete in the Olympics."

"I don't know about that," I said and smiled.

I let out a deep breath. I was exhausted, happy, and I had this great sense of

accomplishment. By doing this, I felt my confidence rise and felt like I could do

anything. Maybe I could work on overcoming my fear of girls and ask one out on a

date. My soul mate might be just around the corner.

Luka still had his arms around me and was going on and on about how proud he

was of me when he did something that I never would have thought him capable of in a

million years. He kissed me. On the mouth. It was just a quick kiss, lasting no more than

a second, but it still managed to take my breath away. After Luka broke the kiss, I just

stared at him, speechless. What was going on? Was this a joke or something?

"Luka…."

I started to talk in a meek little voice but was cut off as he leaned in and kissed

me a second time. His strong hands cupped gently around my chin, his fingers lovingly

caressing my cheek. His eyes were closed but mine were open in shock and ready to

jump out of my skull.

I raised my arms and tried to push the older boy off me but he was too strong.

Luka drew me closer, apparently misunderstanding my actions, taking my touch to

mean I enjoyed this. How could he think I would enjoy making out with another guy?

Just the thought made me want to throw up.

Luka pressed our bodies closer and closer together. It was as if he were trying to

fuse us together into one boy. That was when I felt the throbbing hardness between his

legs making a very large tent in his wet briefs. Oh God! I started to panic. He was

excited. He was enjoying this.

What else would he do to me? Would he try to rape me? Did Luka have that

capability? At this point, I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

Luka still hadn't broken the second kiss. It felt like he had been kissing me for

centuries.

God, I thought. Why doesn't he come up for air? Maybe then I could get away. No, I

thought. He's faster than me. I could overpower him, my mind offered. No, he's stronger too.

Was our whole friendship nothing but a charade? Did he just use me so he could

do this to me? Was that why he didn't go out with girls? Why he wouldn't have sex

with Sara? Why he had wanted to jerk off with me? Why he had told me he had

participated in circle jerks like it was no big deal? And what about his Spanish friend

and the krampack? My mind was spinning. I felt dizzy. Was Luka a fag? He didn't fit

the stereotype. He didn't talk with a lisp, he wasn't into girlie things, and he didn't look

or act gay.

My mind still reeled. What about the trouble he had gotten into before? Was this

why he had to move from California? Had he raped a guy? Had he done this to some

other boy? Wait a minute, I thought. California. North Hollywood. I had heard there was a

large gay population in one of the Hollywoods but I couldn't remember which one.

Regular Hollywood? North Hollywood? West Hollywood? East Hollywood? South

Hollywood? Wait, was there an East and South Hollywood? I didn't know and I didn't

care. God, why hadn't I put two and two together earlier? I am such an idiot.

I was snapped back to reality as I felt Luka's tongue caress my lips and force

them to part. I gagged as his tongue entered me, raping my oral cavity. I found a surge

of adrenaline and managed to push him away. Wiping my mouth, I saw him looking at

me in disbelief.

"What's wrong?" He asked, innocent and childlike.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded furiously.

"What? I thought you wanted it."

"Luka, I'm not a fag." I screamed this out so loud that the word echoed around us

a thousand times: Fag. Fag. Fag.

I climbed out of the lagoon and put my clothes on faster than a minute man,

suddenly ashamed and disgusted to be allowing Luka to see me in my briefs. I stormed

off, wanting to get away. Luka followed me, forgetting all about his clothes.

"Mitch, wait," he called as he ran after me.

I ran faster, not wanting him to see that I had started to cry. The forest was blurry

as I ran. Why? Why did this happen to me? I had lost the only friend I had, or at least

thought I had.

"Mitch!"

I heard Luka's calls behind me and switched over to hyper speed. In my

blindness brought on by a waterfall of tears, I ran into trees and shrubs, falling several

times and tearing the flesh off my arms and legs, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get

home.

I felt a powerful hand grab my shoulder and turn me around. Luka had caught

up with me.

"Mitch…"

"Let me go!" I screamed and began to beat Luka's well-muscled, bare chest,

glistening with little droplets of water. His nipples, hard little buds, also glistened.

"Mitch, I'm sorry," Luka pleaded above my screaming.

He pulled me close to him and I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He repeated the mantra. "I couldn't help it. I've

wanted to kiss you and hold you in my arms for a long time. You haunt my dreams."

Oh God. I felt sick and pushed him away. The thought of him touching me

anymore made my flesh crawl. All those times he had put his arms around me and at

the lagoon when he had been so quick to put his arms on my body to keep me afloat,

were those fulfilling parts of his desires and fantasies? I wanted to vomit. I stared at

him, disgusted at what he had just confessed to me. Sickened at the thought that I was

most likely the object of his masturbatory fantasies and desires. I could only shriek one

word:

"Faggot!"

It was then that I ran out of Luka's life and to the sanctuary of my house.

* * * * *

I leapt onto my bed and sobbed into my pillow, drenching it with my tears. My

throat was tight as coughs started to mix in with my sobs. My coughs overpowered my

sobbing, ripping my throat to shreds and making it feel like it was on fire. Soon I

became dehydrated from crying. I shakily got off the bed and made my way to the

kitchen on rubbery, wobbly legs to get a drink of water.

The cool, fresh water soothed the fire that burned my throat. I chugged down

four glasses, took a deep breath, and before I knew it threw it all up. My body heaved

and shook violently, and I started to cry again. I leaned against the counter, trying to

calm myself down. Engulfed by the silence of the house, I grew scared. The house

seemed enormous and I felt like a scared little boy. I jumped clear to the ceiling as the

phone let out a shriek. I walked over to it and answered it, stifling its cries.

"Hello?" My voice was deep and husky. I sounded like a chain smoker.

"Mitch…." Luka's voice was in my ear.

From the sound of it I could tell he had been crying. I slammed the phone down,

not wanting to talk to him ever again. The phone rang again. It was Luka.

"Mitch please let me . . . ."

I didn't let him finish. Once more I slammed the phone down. Hardly a second

passed before it rang again. Letting out a frustrated shriek, I picked it up and slammed

it back down.

"Take the hint," I screamed at the phone. "I'm not a fag!"

The phone's shrill ringing answered me, seeming to mock me. Letting out

another cry I picked up the receiver and slammed it down. And that's what happened

for the next several hours. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and took the phone off the

hook.

* * * * *

Darkness had taken over but I knew that sleep would not be visiting me that

night. I was curled up in bed, the sheets wrapped tightly around my body, clutching a

pillow to my chest. I was hopeful things couldn't get worse when I heard his voice.

"Mitch. Mitch, please. Talk to me."

I buried myself under the covers trying to block out Luka's voice. I didn't emerge

from my cocoon until Luka left in the early morning hours.

* * * * *

I didn't go to school that morning. Or the next. Or the next. All I did was stay in

my room and cry my heart out. I was miserable without Luka. I had lost my best friend.

My only friend. I was alone. Utterly alone.

I wanted to return Luka's calls but I was scared. What if he tried to kiss me

again? Or what if he tried something more? I was too afraid to take that risk. I, frankly,

didn't think it was a risk worth taking.

What would the other boys at school think? What about the girls? This was a

small town. People talked. Everyone knew everything about everybody. I tried to think

about this rationally. What was more important to me? Luka, my best friend, someone I

thought would be in my life forever, or worrying about the opinions and judgments of

people who had never liked me and that I would never see again after graduation?

Unfortunately, the fear of the boys' fists and the memory of Luka's bloody and

broken face made up my mind for me.

* * * * *

I was huddled under the covers, drenched in my own self-pity, when the

doorbell rang. I slowly unburied my head.

Who could it be? Luka? My heart started to race. I was nervous.

Should I answer it? I so wanted to see his face again. To hear his voice.

Stop being a pansy, I told myself sternly. I got out of the bed and slowly made my

way downstairs to the front door. I opened the door. Luka wasn't standing there. It was

Mr. Tomkins.

"Hello, Mitchell," Mr. Tomkins said, smiling.

"Hi, Mr. Tomkins," I said, my voice tight with disappointment.

"I've missed you in my class this last week. I thought I would come over and see

if you're okay."

"I'm fine. I've just been a little sick." I felt bad lying to him. To ease my conscience

I coughed a little.

"Oh. Well, I hope you feel better. I just stopped by to drop off your homework.

Get it to me when you're feeling better. And I really hope to see you back in class soon."

I smiled, happy that for the first time a teacher remembered my name. That a

teacher was actually talking to me. Saying he enjoyed my presence.

"I'll get it to you soon, Mr. Tomkins."

"Thank you, Mitchell. And feel better."

I closed the door and sighed. I was so hoping that it would have been Luka.

Call him, Mitchell, I said to myself. Apologize to him. Tell him you didn't mean to yell

at him and call him those horrible names. You were surprised. Scared. Confused. He'll

understand.

No he won't, a voice countered back. You hurt him. He opened up to you. Do you

know how much courage that had to have taken? And you shot him down. You wouldn't even

acknowledge him when he came to talk to you after it happened. You ignored him. Left him

outside like a piece of trash. He's probably happy that he doesn't have to bother with a selfish

loser like you anymore. He's better off without you.

I wiped away a tear that had escaped from my eye and was making its way

down my cheek. Was that the truth? Was Luka better off without me? I slid down to the

floor and cried for the thousandth time, kicking myself for making the biggest mistake

of my life.

* * * * *

The next week I went back to school, hoping I would see Luka yet terrified at the

idea of it too. However, Luka wasn't at school. I wondered if maybe he was avoiding

me like I had avoided him. Was he scared to see me? Were the same thoughts and

feelings running through his head as well?

I never heard a word Mr. Tomkins said in history class that day. All I did was

stare at Luka's empty seat, breathing heavily, trying to keep the tears caged inside my

rapidly beating heart. I didn't want to break down and start crying in front of Mr.

Tomkins and the rest of the class. That was all I needed.

I ate lunch by myself that day. Under our apple tree. I slowly nibbled my

sandwich. The grapefruit-sized lump in my throat made it hard to swallow. What had I

done? I had to talk to Luka, get on my knees and beg his forgiveness.

School seemed to last longer than usual that day but as soon as it was over, I ran

home and called Luka. There was no answer. My heart sank as I listened to the melodic

ringing of the telephone in my ear.

Please pick up, Luka. I prayed silently to myself. Please. Please pick up. I finally gave

in and hung up the phone, dejected.

I looked around the house, feeling smaller and more insignificant than I had ever

felt in my life. I knew where I had to go but was hesitant about making the pilgrimage. I

knew that Luka would be at our special spot. I had to go there. If I didn't talk to him

soon, I would die. I took a deep breath to steady myself and walked out the door.

Chapter Seven

I crept slowly through the trees. The path of the forest seemed darker than usual.

Please, let him be there, I pleaded with God. Please bring the light back into my life.

I made my way out of the maze of trees and looked around the lagoon. It was

deserted. My light was out. Probably forever.

I looked around. The lagoon and surrounding forest was silent and it scared me.

I kept imagining a monster coming out of the woods and eating me. I fell to the ground

and wept.

Oh God, what had I done? I wanted to die. I no longer cared if I lived. I had no

reason left to live. My mind began to think of all the ways I could kill myself—pills, a

gun, knives—I didn't want something that would be quick. I wanted to feel pain. I

wanted to suffer. I wanted to punish myself the way I had punished him. It would be

the only way I could atone for what I had put Luka through. And I had the perfect exit

out of this hell I had created for myself.

I slowly picked myself up off the ground and walked shakily to the edge of the

lagoon. I knew what I had to do. Slowly the water far below came into view. I looked

down into the nurturing water, gently swaying back and forth in the breeze. I took a

breath and raised my arms in a perfect replication of Christ on His cross. I felt myself

fall forward. I lingered in the air, suspended like a bird before I began the slow descent

to the water. Time seemed to slow down as I fell for eternity. I watched the cruel, jagged

face of the cliff pass me by, hardened by years of vicious beatings from Mother Nature. I

saw the water get closer and closer to me. Calling me. Wanting to embrace me in its

arms. Wanting to comfort me and make everything right again.

I hit the water with the force of a torpedo, frightening the many fish playing tag,

causing them to flee. I lay in the water. Floating like an iceberg. My body began to

shudder. It needed air. I couldn't hold my breath any longer. This was it. I was going to

die. I smiled, happy for the first time since I had met Luka.

My nostrils and lungs screamed in agony as the water rushed in and raped them.

The salt stung my taste buds. I felt my lungs fill up with this unfamiliar stranger,

confused as to why this liquid substance had broken into my body to evict my soul

from its earthly house. My eyes felt heavy and started to close. My brain beat its fists

against my skull, trying to find oxygen, a futile effort.

Thank you God, I thought to myself. Thank you for giving me the courage to kill

myself. This is for the better, I reasoned. No one will miss me. No one will care. No one will

even know I'm gone. They'll say, "Whatever happened to that little loser, Mitchell?" for a

few days then forget all about me. I never should have been born. I'm unlovable. Even

my own parents don't want to be around me.

I vaguely heard a splash next to me, although it sounded miles away. I felt the

strongest arms I had ever felt wrap themselves around me and pull me out of the

water's deathly embrace. Was I dead? Had God sent an angel to escort me to Heaven so

I wouldn't get lost or be scared?

My angel carried my limp body out of the water and lovingly set me on the

ground. His hand gently wiped the wet hair off my forehead, tipped my head back and

joined his lips to mine, breathing the fire of life into me. The angel's soft, full, pink lips

breathed his own life into my body. He removed his lips from mine as I coughed and

vomited the lagoon over my face.

My angel stroked my head as I sputtered and gagged. I regained my sight and

looked around. I was on dry land. How had I gotten out of the lagoon?

"Mitch." A familiar voice stained with tears choked out my name. "What were

you thinking? You scared me to death." I felt Luka's tears hit my forehead. "I saw you

lying there and thought I had lost you."

I looked up. My head was in Luka's lap and he stared down at me, tears in his

eyes. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. Needed to say to him. But I

was so damned embarrassed. Not only by the fact that Luka had caught me in the act of

killing myself, but also that as soon as he had put his lips to mine I had gotten an

erection. And seeing Luka, having his arms around me, my head resting on his lap, my

erection had grown bigger. I was scared Luka would see it. All I could do was run like a

coward. And I didn't stop until I exploded through my front door.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I leaned against the front door, breathing

heavily and dripping wet, creating a pretty impressive puddle on the tan, hardwood

floor. My mind was still a tilt-a-whirl from the events that had just happened.

Luka had saved me. I felt….well, I don't know how I felt. Honored. Honored that

he still cared enough about me to save my life. Frightened. Frightened that he still cared

enough about me to save my life.

But mostly, I felt confused. Why had my penis come to life when Luka had given

me CPR?

It was just an involuntary response, I reasoned. It didn't mean anything. I'm

not….like that.

"I like girls!" I screamed aloud. My voice echoed throughout the house. Mocking

me.

"I like girls! I like girls! I like girls!"

I had started to cry. I fell against the door, hurting my lower back but not caring.

"I'm not a fag! I'm not a fag!" Although it sounded more like pleading than

stating a fact.

I took a breath, trying to stop my hysterics. I closed my eyes, hoping that would

act as a dam and keep my tears at bay. It was useless. The salty demons came out with a

vengeance. I felt like my eyes were going to fall to the floor and roll under the sofa.

Good, let them. Then I'll never have to look at myself again.

I could feel Luka's lips on mine. He had given me the kiss of life. I gently touched

my lips and closed my eyes, remembering how soft his lips had felt against mine. They

seemed to fit perfectly with mine. Almost like they were made for each other.

Was I gay? Luka had been on my mind since we first met. Whenever I thought

about him the butterflies in my stomach came out of hibernation. My mind drifted back

to the first time Luka's lips had embraced mine. He had been filled with such passion.

And love. True love. The kind that even the greatest actors couldn't fake. My penis

began to come alive at the memory of the kiss and at the image of Luka's perfect,

Adonis-like body.

"Shit," I whispered, no longer able to deny who I was.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the entryway mirror. The hysteria had turned my

face a deep shade of indigo. My eyes were rose-red and puffy from crying. My nose ran

with clear, white snot. My cheeks were dry as a used tissue. My lips started to tremble

at the next realization.

"I'm a fag," I whispered to my reflection.

My body began to shake with the earthquake that rattled through me. Was it

obvious to people? Was that why Luka had kissed me? When had it happened? When

had I turned into one of them? God, what would the other boys think? What would my

parents think? My father? He would be ashamed. He would hate me. Even more than

he already did.

"I'm going to burn in Hell," I said, suddenly scared.

I had heard that once. That God hated people like me and there was no way for

gay people to get into Heaven. I fell to my knees and began to pray harder than I had

ever prayed before for God to cleanse me of this sin.

"Please," I begged a silent God. "Please don't make it true. Make me normal

again. I want to be normal again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeated the mantra

and rocked back and forth, apologizing for whatever it was I had done that had pissed

off God so bad that he had done this to me.

A desperate knock on the door followed by, "Mitch! Open the door, please!"

brought me out of my trance. Luka. Luka had followed me. I jumped up and tripped

over my own feet as I raced to the door and threw it open. Luka stood there, out of

breath from running after me. He looked so worried.

"Mitch, are you okay?" The words fumbled over themselves as they raced out of

his mouth. "Don't you ever do that to me again. You scared me to death. I thought my

best friend was gone."

Best friend. He still thought of me as his best friend. He didn't hate me. God,

there were so many things I wanted to tell him. My heart was so full of emotions it felt

like it was going to burst right through my chest. I tried to speak, but the only thing I

could do was leap into his arms, almost knocking us both to the ground. I clung to him

and wept into his hard-muscled pecs.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed, my words barely audible. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry

for what I did. I'm sorry for what I said. What I called you."

"It's okay," Luka soothed, letting his tears out of their cage now and stroking my

hair and back. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry. I caught you off guard. I'm

sorry."

Luka's tears hit my hair as he joined in my crying chorus.

"I love you," I whispered in Luka's ear. As soon as I confessed it, I felt like the

weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

"What?" Luka asked.

I pulled away from him so he could look into my eyes, my soul, and see I told the

truth.

"I love you, Luka."

"You do?"

I nodded.

"Really?" Luka was still in shock.

I leaned in and kissed him. It was quick, but it felt so right. So natural. It was my

way of telling him everything I couldn't. I broke the kiss and we stared at each other for

what felt like an eternity. Then Luka cupped my face in his huge hands and kissed me

for a second time. This time I allowed my body to respond to its natural urges and

kissed him back. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands caressed Luka's

well-muscled back. His goatee tickled my chin. I liked the way it felt against my skin.

After we broke the kiss, Luka tugged me to him and held me so tight that it took my

breath away.

"I can't tell you how long I've waited to hear you say you love me. How much

I've dreamed it," Luka confessed to me.

We stayed locked in that embrace, safe and secure in each other's arms, until

nightfall.

* * * * *

Even though I had technically come out, I was still nervous about what the other

boys would do to me if they found out I was into boys. Needless to say, I was not ready

to flaunt the new level our relationship had reached. Luckily, Luka understood.

* * * * *

It was raining that afternoon, however Luka and I were anything but bored. We

were up in my bedroom. My back was propped up, supported by numerous pillows.

Luka's head rested comfortably on my stomach, rising and falling in sync with my

breathing. My left arm was bent at the elbow in a perfect forty-five degree angle, my

hand resting under the back of my neck. My other hand was busy stroking Luka's hair,

soft as silk. His eyes were closed. A contented smile was on his face. Every once in a

while a sigh escaped his throat. I looked down at his face and smiled. I felt happiness

and my heart beat faster. I felt really lucky to have someone like Luka in my life. He

was so patient with my fears.

"This is a big deal," he had told me. "If we need to keep our relationship secret for

a while that's totally cool. Besides," he had said and smiled coyly, "it's kind of exciting,

having a secret boyfriend."

I really didn't deserve him.

"What are you thinking about?" Luka's soothing voice asked me softly, pulling

me back to the present.

"Huh?"

"What are you thinking about?" Luka repeated the question.

I looked down and saw Luka's beautiful blue eyes staring up at me.

"Lost in thought?" Luka grinned at me. It was a grin that could melt all of Siberia.

"Uh-huh," I said, running my fingers through his goatee and making him

shudder.

Luka turned over, placed his hands on either side of me and slowly made his

way up to me with an impish little grin on his face. My heart started running a

marathon as this perfect god-boy got closer to my face. By the time he was directly in

front of me, my heart was beating like a tom-tom, threatening to explode out of my

chest like a bomb.

"What were you thinking about?" Luka again repeated. He had made his voice

low and husky, that and his grin, plus the fact that he had pinned my arms above my

head, drove me crazy.

I was about to answer him but my lover vetoed my answer by kissing me. His

arms collapsed and he fell on top of me, causing us both to laugh. We kissed each other

in between giggles, and somehow the childishness of the laughter fueled the fire of the

eroticism.

Pausing to catch his breath and lift himself up a few inches, Luka looked down at

me. He was the living definition of perfection. Eyes sparkling like fresh-cut blue

diamonds with desire only for me. His long hair falling off his shoulders and sheltering

his head.

As quick as a rattlesnake attacking its prey, Luka hungrily devoured my mouth,

causing me to emit miniscule moans of pleasure into his, fueling his attack on my oral

cavity.

My arms wrapped around his lower back, dangerously close to the top of his

briefs poking out from his jeans. My hands itched to explore further south, yet I was

scared.

Luka pressed his body against me. I could feel the hardness of his desire press

against my stomach. Luka's response to my body gave my own penis the permission it

needed to enter puberty and find its own growth spurt.

Luka's hands found their way under my sweater and started to explore the

smooth, milk-white flesh of my stomach and back. His hands continued their journey,

giving every part of my chest and stomach attention, fondling my nipples into little

buds of pink hardness. Making their way under my arms, his hands spent ample time

visiting the many erogenous zones that lived there, sending small earthquakes through

my limbs. The attention Luka gave me told me he had done this before.

My eyes closed with the new sensations that took residence in my body. I

wanted to give Luka's tanned flesh the same attention, but I was still very nervous

about what was happening to me. Plus, I really didn't know what I was supposed to do.

My pleasure-fuelled moans climbed a few notes as Luka began kissing my neck

and nibbling on my Adam's apple. His hands took the trip south and began to unbutton

my jeans. My eyes shot open, not ready for him to see me naked. Suddenly I felt self-

conscious about the size of my….well, everything.

"Wait," I gasped.

"What's wrong?" Luka stopped, concerned.

"I'm not ready to go that far. Not yet," I confessed, feeling like a stupid little baby.

I prepared for the worst. For Luka to say he was sick of waiting and that he was

tired of my childishness, but instead he just stroked my hair, smiled, wrapped his arms

around me and passionately pulled me to him until both of us sat facing each other, my

legs wrapped around his waist. We stayed like that for hours. Locked together in a

lover's embrace.

* * * * *

The sun was just starting to nestle itself into night's dark, chocolate-colored

blanket when Luka left. We were walking hand in hand, skipping down the stairs

without a care in the world. As I walked him to the door, I wished I had the power to

stop time so we could stay together, happy, for eternity.

"I love you," Luka said with tenderness in his heart before kissing me on the

forehead.

"I love you too." I repeated, meaning every word.

"See you tomorrow at school," were his parting words as he disappeared into the

mist of the night.

I closed the door, was still for only a second before I raised my arms and let out a

triumphant "Yes!" I felt like I was floating as I made my way up the winding oak

staircase and into my room, where I met Luka in my dreams.

Chapter Eight

The next morning I woke up smiling. The sun was just beginning to peek into my

bedroom, laying a beam of light across my chest. I stretched, got out of bed, went into

the bathroom and began to get ready. All the while humming. I had never been this

eager to start the day. Never been happier to see the dawn. Never been more excited to

go to school.

I was still humming softly to myself as I stood at my locker getting my books for

first period. I was so immersed in my little tune that I was totally oblivious to the fact

that someone stood behind me. That was, until my silent predator poked me in the

sides with his two index fingers, causing me to jump. I turned around and was greeted

by the smiling face of my lover, Luka.

"Surprise," he joyously exclaimed, amused at my reaction.

"Hey," I said, my smile hitting a growth spurt and taking over my whole face.

Luka quickly looked around to make sure no one was watching us and deciding

that it was all clear, gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"Luka…." I said his name cautiously, barely a whisper, terrified someone would

see.

"I'm sorry, baby," Luka soothed, causing my face to don a mask of maroon at the

lover's term he called me. "I just can't help myself. I'm drawn to you. Besides the danger

and risk of getting caught fuels my fire." He smiled devilishly, put his arms around my

waist and drew me toward him.

"I know," I said meekly, removing his arms from around me. "I'm just scared."

"Listen to me," Luka said, growing serious. "Don't be scared. Because I promise

you, Mitch, I'm never going to let anyone hurt you or make you feel ashamed of who

you are. I promise you. Now come on," he said, his mood doing a complete three

hundred and sixty degree turn as he slapped me on the shoulder. "Let's go stake out a

seat in Mr. Tomkins' class."

As we walked down the hall together I felt safe. I felt that as long as I was with

Luka no harm could ever come to my body. Luka was my shield.

* * * * *

Luka and I were on my bed, engaged in a make-out session to end all make-out

sessions. We were both naked from the waist up, our T-shirts carelessly thrown to the

ground.

I had grown braver with each of our sessions and my hands now had little minds

of their own. They had grown bored with Luka's hair and were now stroking his

perfectly chiseled, tan pecs and olive-colored nipples.

Luka's bare belly rose and fell rapidly against mine. He pressed into my body so

passionately it almost made me ache at the feeling of his love and desire for me. We

were pressed up against each other so tight I felt as if our bodies would fuse together

into one flesh.

Luka's Herculean-like hands had been giving my back a massage as he made

love to my mouth and chin. After a while, his hands crept down my back, playfully

pinching pink flesh along the way. He got to my jeans and his hands blindly fumbled to

open them. After he had ripped them open, he hungrily slid them from my hips, greedy

to get me naked.

My mind was in such a euphoric state because of Luka that I was totally clueless

that he was undressing me until I felt his fingers caress my bare hipbone and my bare

butt against my sheets.

"Luka…." I whispered into his delicate ear.

"Hm?" he responded as he nibbled on my earlobe and continued to slide my

briefs off my hips.

"Not yet," I involuntarily pleaded, placing my hands on top of his and stopping

them.

Luka stopped what he was doing as I slid my briefs back onto my body. He

shuddered a little as my stomach touched his when I arched my back off the bed to

cover my butt. After I had completed the task, I turned my head and stared at the

virginal, white wall.

Why didn't I just let him do what he wanted? Why did I always end up spoiling

the mood and eroticism of the moment? He'd leave me for sure.

I let out a heavy sigh, preparing myself for the blows that were soon to come. I

let out a small gasp as Luka's palm gently pushed my chin away from the wall until I

was looking up at him. A veil of dirty blond hair shrouded his face.

"At least this time I got you down to your briefs. I'm improving." He grinned that

grin that drove me wild.

I laughed, wrapped my legs and arms around him and pulled him down so I

could claim my prize.

* * * * *

What was wrong with me? I sat on my bed, frustrated as hell. It was two in the

morning and no matter what I did, I just couldn't fall asleep. Thank God I didn't have

school the next day.

Why didn't I want Luka to see me naked? He didn't seem turned off by my body.

Why was I? I had always hated the way I looked. I wished I could look like Luka. Luka.

I closed my eyes. Just thinking of his name was more than enough to cause my stomach

to do back flips and my penis to rise up and shout.

This is stupid, I told myself. He's my boyfriend. I love him. I….I want him to take my

virginity.

This last part caught me off guard. I did. I really did want to make love to Luka. I

had never thought about sex before. I never believed the opportunity would present

itself but now . . . I was scared. Would I be bad at it? Would I be able to satisfy Luka's

needs and desires? Would I be able to be all the things he expected when we….did it?

Would it hurt? I knew that when girls lost their virginity it hurt, at least that's what I'd

heard, but I didn't know about boys. And just how do boys have sex with each other

anyway? What is expected from us? They had showed us how boys have sex with girls

in Sex Ed, but they hadn't even mentioned how boys are supposed to have sex with

each other. I fell onto the bed.

I'm such a wreck.

I stared a hole through the ceiling, wishing there was someone, anyone, that I

could talk to, who would sit and listen to my problems without judging me. With a

sigh, I turned my head and stared at the sky's charcoal-black fabric embroidered with a

thousand tiny diamonds.

My heart skipped a few beats, hopeful. Maybe there was someone who was still

awake, who would be willing to listen and help me. I climbed out of bed, walked to my

window and talked aloud.

"God." My voice was tight, exhausted from scaling the mountain that had grown

in my throat. "I don't know if you can hear me. I don't even know if you're real but if

you are, please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm so damned confused.

"Until I met Luka, I was so lonely. So sad. But then you brought him into my life

and for the first time, I feel special. I feel loved. For the first time, someone truly loves

me and I'm happy. Truly happy.

"God, if this is wrong, if this is a sin, why did you make me this way? Why did

you bring Luka into my life? Is this your idea of a sick joke? Were you bored or

something? I just don't understand how something that feels so good, so right, and

makes me so happy could be evil."

I started to cry. Even though I needed to talk to someone and let me feelings out,

I was still left with more questions than answers.

"Why won't you give me an answer!" I shrieked at my silent creator. "You're

supposed to know everything. You're the creator and master of the universe. Why can't

you help me? Why don't you want to help me? Am I not good enough for you? Do you

even give a damn about me? Do you even truly love me?"

I grabbed onto the windowsill to keep from falling. The cruel sobs had

overpowered my speech. And I stayed there until morning, waiting for an answer from

God. An answer that never came.

* * * * *

My head rested comfortably on Luka's chest, breathing in the musk of his

masculinity. His arms were protectively around me, absent-mindedly stroking my hair.

We were watching a rerun of an old sitcom in the living room, engulfed in the

overstuffed, cinnamon-brown, Italian leather couch.

I found that my breath was having increased difficulty making the journey from

my diaphragm to the outside world. There was something on my mind that I had been

curious to investigate further; hopefully our relationship was at the point that he would

trust me to confess whatever secret he kept in his heart. I took a breath to build up my

courage. It was now or never. Time to take the plunge.

"Luka." My voice was small. "I have to ask you something."

"What is it, Mitch?"

"Promise me you won't get mad?" I looked up at him, my soul in my eyes.

"Mitch, whatever it is, just ask me. I won't get mad. I promise."

I knew that he meant it. I took another breath.

"What happened?" I asked slowly. "That made you have to move here?"

Luka took a heavy breath. He knew he had to tell me. I knew this was going to

be hard for him, to relive the incident. I turned over and lay across his body, chest to

chest and stomach to stomach. My boyfriend put his arms around me, sealing me to

him.

"Back in NoHo there was this boy in my school. He was the same age as me.

God, he was beautiful." Luka told me the painful memory. "I thought we were going to

be together forever. I thought I was in love with him and that he was, you know, in love

with me too. But it was lust. Know what I mean? The only thing we did was have sex.

We never talked. Never did anything else. It wasn't special like what we have. We

weren't friends. Just lovers. Not even that close."

It hurt my heart to think of Luka with another boy, but I did my best not to show

my jealousy and just listen.

"Anyway, one night my parents came home early and found us together. In my

bed. They were furious. I had never seen them so mad. My father…. I'll never forget the

look on his face. Disappointed. Disgusted. Ashamed."

Luka's voice became tight and I could see his eyes start to sparkle with tiny, wet

diamonds.

"They threw Sean, that was his name, out of the house and called his parents. I

never saw him again. I think the thing that killed me the most was the fact that I didn't

get to say goodbye to him. I heard later that his parents actually locked him up in a

mental institute because he was gay."

I wanted to say something to comfort him but the scavenger hunt I went on to

find words proved useless.

"After that, I started drinking, doing drugs, and hanging out with people I

shouldn't have. I threw myself into having sex with anyone. I prostituted my body to

escape my pain. But it didn't help. I started to hate myself. I was ashamed of who I was.

I . . . I tried to kill myself. By slicing my wrists."

He rolled up his sleeve and I got chills as I saw the faint, white scars on his sky-

blue veins.

"My parents found me and took me to the hospital. If they would have walked in

five minutes later, I would have died. I spent some time in the psych ward, which is

why I'm behind a couple grades, and then we moved here. People had started to talk

and my parents couldn't deal with the whispers, stares, and pointing."

I looked up at him. I couldn't believe what he had gone through. How hard

things must have been for him. I felt selfish for thinking how hard my life was. For

thinking that no one had as hard a life as me. Compared to what Luka had gone

through, I lived the life of a king.

"I'm sorry," I said, aching for my boyfriend. Feeling his pain as if it were my own

and brushing the tears away from his cheek.

"I'm not," Luka countered, knocking me off balance.

"What?" I wasn't sure I had heard him right.

"I'm glad it happened." He smiled at me.

"How can you be glad all that happened to you?"

"Because," he explained with a teary smile. "If it hadn't happened, I never would

have found you." He was silent for a moment before: "There's something else I gotta tell

you. I was going to tell you if we ever….made love, but I need to tell you anyway. You

deserve to know."

"What is it?" This sounded really serious. Possibly even more serious than what

he had just told me.

Luka took a deep breath before confessing: "I'm positive."

"What?" I couldn't believe what he had just told me.

"I'm HIV positive. When I got into sex and drugs, I got the disease. I probably

should have told you sooner but I didn't know how you'd react. If you want me to go I

understand."

I was stunned. Luka didn't look like someone who was positive. He was healthy.

Muscular. Tanned. Positive people were supposed to be thin and pale. They were

supposed to look like skeletons. At least that's how I always thought they looked. I had

never met someone who had an STD.

"I don't want you to go, Luka," I said, caressing his cheek. "I love you."

I felt tears in my own eyes. My lips started to tremble. I kissed him. His hands

journeyed down my back and rested on my denim-shielded butt. This was the most

intimate and erotic touch I had ever experienced and it drove me crazy, even though

Luka's hands never moved. Never caressed me. They just lay dormant as we kissed,

forgetting all about the old sitcom.

* * * * *

I was tired of being scared. Luka's confession had touched me deeply. If he was

strong enough to tell me all he had been through, surely I was strong enough to be seen

in public with my boyfriend. To show him the affection I knew he wanted me to show

him. To declare my love for him to the whole world.

I just wished I knew I was doing the right thing. I needed to talk to somebody,

just to validate that what I wanted to do wasn't wrong. Didn't make me dirty. There

was only one other person besides Luka that I trusted. That I felt I could talk to about

this.

Chapter Nine

I timidly rapped my small knuckles against the oak-paneled door.

"Yes?" Mr. Tomkins looked up from grading history exams. He smiled when he

saw me and removed the reading glasses from his face. "Mitchell," he said and stood up

to greet me. "You're here early."

"Yeah," I agreed for lack of anything else to say. "Um….Mr. Tomkins, can I talk to

you about something?" It was hard to get the words out.

"Of course, Mitchell. Come in."

"Can I close the door?"

Mr. Tomkins nodded. I closed the door, walked over to his desk, and stood in

front of him.

"What's on your mind?" My teacher asked good-naturedly, grateful to have a

distraction from grading.

"Well…." Suddenly this seemed like a really bad idea. "Um…." I faltered again.

God please help me. Give me the strength I need, I prayed. I tried again but I had an

orange in my throat. Please, don't let me cry in front of him.

"Mitchell, are you okay?" he asked comfortingly.

I nodded my head before: "I….I…." I couldn't talk. I felt the tears stream out.

"Shit. I told myself I wasn't going to do this. I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey." He walked around the desk and put his arms on my shoulders.

"Don't be sorry. This is me you're talking to. You can tell me anything. Whatever it is

doesn't leave this classroom. I promise."

I had started to shake. My sobbing was just about to cross the line into hysterics.

The need to let my feelings out had grown so large that my body was no longer big

enough to house them.

Even though I was embarrassed that my teacher witnessed this, I also felt

strangely relieved that all of it was finally getting evicted from my soul.

Mr. Tomkins was holding me now. My tears stained his shirt, turning the light

blue fabric salty and bitter with my wetness. He was rocking me gently, trying to

subdue me.

"It's okay. It's okay. Let it out," he repeated over and over, giving me the fatherly

attention and comforting I had craved all my life.

When I had calmed down enough to finally speak, Mr. Tomkins looked me in the

eye and said, "Okay, Mitchell, what's wrong? Is it one of the other boys? Have they been

bullying you?"

"No." My voice was still shaky. "It's just that…." I didn't know how to word this.

"It's just….I have this problem and I don't know what to do anymore."

"Is that why you came to me?"

"Uh-huh. But now I wish I hadn't."

"Mitchell, whatever it is, you can tell me. You can trust me. You know that don't

you?"

"Uh-huh," was all I could get out.

I knew I could talk to Mr. Tomkins. I knew he would try to help me. There was

just one thing I didn't know.

"If….when I tell you," I said slowly, choosing my words carefully. "Do you

promise you won't think any less of me or hate me?" Slowly I lifted my eyes and looked

at him.

I was scared of his response, but his answer would be the deciding factor on

whether I would finish this race or not.

"Mitchell," he said, his voice serious and truthful. "I like you. I enjoy having you

in my class. I think you're a great kid. Whatever it is, I promise I won't think less of you

and nothing you could tell me would make me hate you. We're friends. We're buds." He

good-naturedly hit me on the shoulder, bringing a shy smile to my lips.

"That's it," he said, smiling himself. "Now, why don't you tell me? You'll feel

better."

"Okay." I took a breath to steady myself.

I didn't know how to start. I had rehearsed what I was going to say to Mr.

Tompkins but I had forgotten everything. I guessed the best way to do this would be to

just say it straight out.

"Well," I said, determined to tell him this time. "I'm in this relationship. With

someone I love very much. It's the first time that I've felt like this and had someone feel

this way toward me. The thing is, I'm….I'm scared to show my feelings in public. I, um,

I want to go out and do things with this person in public but it terrifies me. I'm scared

to death about what people will think about us or even what they'll do to us."

"Mitchell . . . ." Mr. Tomkins had a confused look on his face. "Who is this person

you're going out with?"

"Luka," I said slowly, my eyes magnetically drawn to the floor.

"I see." Mr. Tomkins was silent, digesting what I had just confessed to him.

"I don't know what to do. I want to be seen in public with him. He, um, he's my

boyfriend and I love him but I'm scared. Know what I mean?"

"Well Mitchell, I've never gone through what you're going through, but you have

to make your own decisions and do what makes you comfortable and what feels right

to you. Are you happy with Luka?"

"Very much. I'm happier than I've ever been."

"Mitchell, it sounds to me like you already know what you want to do. That you

want to make this relationship public. Now, it won't be easy, I'm not going to lie to you

about that, but I think it could be worth it."

"Thank you, Mr. Tomkins."

It felt wonderful to have someone verify that I wasn't crazy. That these feelings I

was having weren't dirty or ugly. Mr. Tomkins was right. It wouldn't be easy but it

would be worth it. That sealed it for me. I was going to talk to Luka about bringing our

relationship out to the public.

* * * * *

I sat alone in Mr. Tomkins' classroom, looking out the window at a family of

pigeons giving their youngest child a flying lesson. He got better each time, able to stay

in the air longer and longer. I doodled designs of randomness on the cover of my

notebook. I was anxious to talk to Luka and tell him the revelation that Mr. Tomkins

had helped me discover.

I was lost in thought. On a high with the drugs Mr. Tomkins had supplied me,

with what he had called me, how he had hit my shoulder, the guy form of hugging. Call

me naïve or a fool, but I was hopeful that when I came out fully to the world I would be

met with the same encouragement and respect Mr. Tompkins had shown me when I

had removed my mask for him. Little did I realize that not everyone in the world was

like Mr. Tompkins.

"What are you drawing?" a familiar voice asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Just doodling," I said before looking up into the face of the love of my life.

"Are you okay?" Luka said, showing great concern.

"Of course," I lied. "Why?"

How could he tell that something was wrong? I was positive I had destroyed all

evidence that I had been crying. How did he know me so well? How did he know what

I was thinking even before I did? How was he able to look into the deepest depths of

my heart and soul?

"You've been crying." He put his thumb to my cheek and gently caressed the stiff,

tear-stained flesh. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," I assured him.

"Did somebody do something to you?" he demanded, becoming as protective as

a dog is with his master.

"No, no. It's nothing like that. It's just . . . . I've made a decision."

"What is it?"

"I'm tired of living a lie. I'm tired of being scared that someone is going to find

out about us. What we have is nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sick of acting like it is."

"What are you saying?"

"I've thought about this long and hard. Weighed out both the pros and cons.

What I'm saying is, I want to come out. I need to come out. I want to hold your hand

and run my fingers through your hair while we walk down the hall. I want to kiss you

at your locker. I want to do all the things that all the other couples do at school."

"Mitch." Luka's voice was throaty and his eyes sparkled from the lake that was

forming in them. "I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll do this with me."

"Of course I will." Luka's voice was barely higher than a whisper as he threw his

arms around me. "We're a team."

We broke the hug and kissed. It felt liberating, like I had finally earned my adult

wings and learned how to properly fly, soar high above the clouds in the great, blue

abyss.

Chapter Ten

There were gasps of shock and a sea of stunned of faces as Luka and I walked

down the hallway hand in hand. It was easy to see that our fellow classmates didn't

know if we were joking, if we had lost a bet, or what was going on.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I finally lived. It felt great to do what was

natural instead of what was expected of me. I couldn't help but wonder if more people

lived life this way, would the world be a better place?

* * * * *

"Oh man, that was awesome!" Luka exclaimed as we walked home from school,

our hands still joined.

He laughed, picked me up, and spun me around, causing me to catch a fit of the

giggles.

"Did you see the looks on their faces?" He sat me down and caressed my cheeks.

"Did you see….?"

He never finished his sentence as his lips made contact with mine. Our eyes were

closed, fuelled by the heat of our passion. For that moment there was no one else on

earth but the two of us.

Our kiss was interrupted by the sound of a car honking and sickening shouts of

disgust. We saw Sara, Brant, and Brant's buddies drive past us in Brant's beat-up, black

pickup truck. As they passed us they shouted a series of derogatory names. Queers.

Faggots. Fags. Fag boys. Homos. Every word was like a knife penetrating my heart. As

the pickup truck passed us, our attackers threw open cans of Pepsi and Coke on us

before speeding away, whooping and hollering.

Standing there, I felt more humiliated than I ever had in my life. I knew there

would be people who wouldn't understand and who would hate us, but I never

thought in my darkest dreams that I would be the victim of a modern day lynch mob

powered by blind fear. I would soon learn all the evil that fear and hatred made people

commit.

* * * * *

I was in the shower, letting the hot, steamy water cleanse my body of the sticky

soda. Luka had gone home to do the same. I had pushed the earlier incident to the back

of my mind and now euphorically thought about the plans Luka and I had made for

this evening: a romantic dinner of big, greasy cheeseburgers and French fries at the local

fast food joint and then a horror movie. The perfect date.

I stepped out of the shower, dried myself off, and put on my robe, not wanting to

get dressed yet. I was lying on my bed hugging my pillow, fantasizing it was Luka,

when the doorbell rang.

Thinking my lover had come back, I jumped off the bed and bounded down the

stairs like a rabbit. I opened the door and quickly lost my smile. Brant and his gang

stood at my door. Sara was also present, standing behind her brother and looking like

evil incarnate.

"Hi, Mitchell." Brant's greeting was too sweet and dripping with cobra venom.

I was scared. What did they want? What were they going to do to me? I tried to

close the door but the stronger boys easily got through the barricade. They walked

inside and locked the door. They started to advance on me, smiling.

My heart was a time bomb ready to explode in my chest. My breathing came in

little, shallow gasps. My skin was clammy and the sweat dripped off me like melting

icicles. This must be how people feel when they're about to die.

Please God, I begged. If you truly are loving and merciful, let whatever they do to me be

over quickly.

"Scared, little fag boy?" Brant asked me as he slowly walked toward me, beating

his fist against the palm of his hand. His intimidation factor was working. "You should

be."

I tried to scream but my mouth was one gigantic ball of cotton. No sound could

get out. I then did the only thing I could think of. I ran. The only thing on my mind was

to get the hell out of the house and away from these angels of death.

I started to run. I felt as if I was running in slow motion, like in those

inspirational movies about track stars. I made my way toward the group, hoping that I

could either plow through them or part them as Moses had done with the Red Sea.

Suddenly I was stuck. Two of Brant's buddies grabbed hold of my arms. I

struggled against them, kicking and crying out as my feet left the floor, but I was no

match against the older boys and their tree-trunk-like arms.

"Where you going, little faggot?" Brant asked as he walked toward me.

I looked around, desperately, searchingly, hoping there was a weapon or

something I could use to ward off an attack. But no such prize was awarded to me. I

was in the middle of the living room. Completely surrounded.

Brant stood in front of me and smiled a smile that would have scared the Devil

himself. He brought his hand up to my cheek and slapped me, hard. My cheek stung as

I felt Brant's handprint brand itself into my pink flesh. I let out a scream of pain which

must have amused Brant and his buddies, as they laughed.

Brant looked me over before spitting in my face, causing more laughter from his

friends.

God, I pleaded, please let this be over soon.

My heart sank as Sara walked to her brother's side. This was only the beginning.

She raised her hand and slapped me multiple times across my face. Her long, witch-like

nails drew blood. I cried out at the pain. My cries brought tears. Their salt maliciously

mixed with my bloody scratches and stung. Even my own body wanted to cause me

pain.

My heart beat faster and I thought for sure I was going to have a heart attack as

Sara ran her hands over my robe before opening it and exposing my chest. Giving a

beastly shriek of glee, she again used my body as her scratching post, sharpening her

claws against my chest and stomach.

"Take that robe off him," Brant ordered his soldiers.

I struggled with all my might to keep my body covered as Brant's militia forcibly

ripped the fabric off my body. Brant was smiling. Sara was jumping up and down,

cheering, and clapping her hands.

Standing there naked, I felt humiliated and self-conscious about my body. I had

never been naked in front of anyone. I started to cry. I felt ashamed. I had wanted Luka

to be the first one to see me naked. What would he think of me when he found out I had

let this happen? Brant's eyes looked me up and down. When he got to my penis, he

started laughing.

"Pathetic," he said, barely getting the words out.

The others laughed in agreement.

"Get him down on his knees," the leader ordered.

The boys pushed me down. I tried to resist, not wanting to give Brant more

power, but my efforts were futile as they forcibly pushed on my shoulder blades. After

the stronger boys easily pushed me down I looked up in fear as Brant towered over me.

Grinning, he slowly unbuckled his belt and whipped it out of its loops. I started

breathing rapidly. I felt dizzy. What was he going to do to me? With a caveman-like

growl Brant hit me across the face with his belt. The buckle, coming dangerously close

to my eye, stole flesh and left blood.

I screamed bloody murder. This was the worst pain I had ever experienced. He's

going to kill me, I decided.

After growing bored with hitting my face and chest with the leather strap and

ice-cold, metal buckle, Brant stopped. He was gasping for breath, sounding as if he had

just won a marathon. I was a bloody mess. The blood dripped out of my wounds,

staining the virginal, white carpet. Some of it got in my hair and turned crusty as it

dried. I could taste the hateful, metallic taste of my blood in my mouth. Slowly, I rolled

over onto my back and looked up at my attackers. They were surrounding me, staring

down at me with sick smiles plastered on their faces. They reminded me of demonic

clowns.

Please God, let it be over. Or let me die.

"Turn him over." Brant gasped out the words.

My body and spirit were so broken that I no longer had the desire to fight. He's

going to rape me, my mind told me. This brought on more tears and little whimpers,

which my assaulters gladly mocked.

Raping me would be the worst thing he could do. Luka would be disgusted and

sick to look at me for sure. He would be angry that I hadn't fought him more efficiently

and allowed him to defile my body.

Please God, if you're real don't let him rape me. Anything but that. I want Luka to be my

first.

My prayer was cut off as Brant mounted me and wrapped the belt tight around

my neck. My eyes bulged out of my head. I gasped as I tried to get my hands

underneath the cruel leather, but it was wrapped too tightly. Brant and his buddies let

out a whoop.

"Ride him, Brant!" They cheered him on.

He pulled the belt back and forth, causing my head to violently jerk like a

bobble-head doll as he bounced up and down spasmodically on my back, crushing my

spine. He pulled the belt tighter, turning my Adam's apple into apple sauce. His hands

slapped my thigh and butt, branding me like farmers brand their prize cows.

My brain was about to explode inside my skull. I could no longer hear and

everything was getting fuzzy.

I'm going to die.

I felt my head fall forward, then my body collapsed as Brant dismounted his

horse and removed my bridle. He, Sara and his buddies kicked me as they walked out

of the house.

It was dark. I looked around. I was alone. They had really left. I cried into the

rug, hating myself for what I had let happen to me.

* * * * *

"Where were you?" I shrieked at him. "Why weren't you here? Why didn't you

protect me? Any other time you're always around me," I continued, my anger boiling

over. "Why did you pick now to abandon me? Huh?" He didn't answer. "What? Can't

you answer me?" Still nothing. "Don't pretend you can't hear me! I know you can hear

me!"

I grew angrier with every word. I let out a scream of frustration.

"Damn you!" I cursed. "I hate you. You never truly loved me. You don't care

about me at all. You're nothing but a selfish bastard. I wish you had never come into my

life. You don't exist anymore. Do you hear me? There is no God."

I lay in a heap, sobbing, wishing this was just a nightmare, knowing I would

never wake up.

* * * * *

I hadn't moved in hours. My body was one mass equation of pain and dried,

crusty blood. I held my breath and tried not to move as I heard the front door slowly

open and a pair of shoes cross the floor. I knew Brant had come back to finish me off. I

squeezed my eyes into slits as the shoes picked up speed and ran towards me. I

screamed and beat my attacker as he lifted me off the ground.

"Please," I begged. "Don't hurt me anymore. I'm sorry. Just don't hurt me."

"Mitch. Mitch. Mitch." Luka's voice penetrated my brain and subdued my fears.

"Baby, who did this to you?"

"Luka." I clung to him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let them do this

to me."

"Baby, it isn't your fault. Now tell me who did this."

"I can't," I choked, scared they would beat me again and that it would be worse if

I told.

"Was it Brant? Did he do this?"

"Luka please," I begged him. "Stay with me. I can't be alone. "

"Of course. I'm not going anywhere."

He held me. Soothing me as I cried.

* * * * *

Luka had gently washed the dried blood off my body and cleaned my wounds. I

was embarrassed that he had seen me in this state yet thankful he was here to ward off

the nightmares. I was grateful that I wouldn't have to spend the night alone.

I lay in bed, Luka's arms protectively around me, my head against his chest,

lured to sleep by the beating of his beautiful heart.

* * * * *

The next morning I woke up, still in Luka's arms. My head was resting

comfortably on his stomach. Luka was sitting up, stroking my hair and holding me

tight as if he never wanted to let me go.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Luka smiled at me before kissing the top of my

head.

"Morning," I blissfully replied before wrapping my arms around his stomach and

breathing in his scent, grateful to have forgotten about the horrors of yesterday.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into his T-shirt.

"For what?"

"For letting them do this to me."

"Mitch, don't. This wasn't your fault," he said, wrapping his arms tighter around

me.

"I should have fought harder."

"You were outnumbered. They were stronger than you. There was nothing you

could have done."

"I don't deserve you."

I kissed his stomach through his shirt, causing it to shake with a small tremor.

"That tickles," Luka said and grinned. "Do it again?" He asked me like a little kid

who wanted a bigger piece of pie. I gladly obliged his request.

* * * * *

"I'm going to kill them!"

Luka's mood had changed after I disclosed the full story of my attack. He was

pacing in the kitchen as I watched him from a chair.

"I'm going to kill them!" He repeated the vow louder.

"Don't do anything." I got up and blocked his path.

"But look what they did to you."

"Please. I don't want the same thing to happen to you. Promise me, Luka."

I was stern. Luka didn't answer. He kissed my forehead and hugged me. I didn't

know if this was his way of saying yes or what.

* * * * *

"You beat him up." I angrily cross-examined Luka.

"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad, Mitch. I couldn't let them get away with what

they did to you."

"They?" I questioned, confused. Then, with realization: "Luka, no. Please tell me

you didn't."

"I did. All of them," he answered without mercy or remorse. "Except Sara. She

ran away as soon as the fight started."

I was angry. This wasn't what I wanted. I was vehemently against violence. I

couldn't even watch the news or read the paper because both were filled with nothing

but sadness and violence.

"How could you do that?" I was seething. "You could have been beaten. Or

killed. They could have you arrested."

"They won't do anything."

"How do you know?"

"Four straight guys beaten up by one queer. Their pride's too big to tell."

"When did you do it?"

"Mitch…."

"Tell me. When?"

"Last night. After you went to sleep. I snuck out of the house. I had no intention

of beating them up. I just needed some fresh air. Needed to think. Clear my head.

"I went for a walk in the park and that's when I saw them. They were sitting by

the baseball diamond. Drinking beer and talking about what they had done to you.

They were laughing about it. It made me so mad. Madder than I have ever been in my

life.

"I picked up this baseball bat that someone had left on the ground and walked

toward them. I called out to them. They got up off the ground and walked toward me.

Brant was in the lead. He came up to me and asked what I wanted. I told them that I

was here to get even for what they had done to you and then I swung the bat. I hit him

in the head and he went down like a sack of bricks. Sara screamed and ran off into the

night. The others surrounded me. I swung the bat, keeping them at bay. They were

scared. They had no weapons. Nothing to defend themselves.

"Every so often I would make contact with one of them. I kept swinging, never

stopping. Not wanting to give them the opportunity to get the upper hand. They were a

bloody mess by the time they ran off. I have a feeling they won't be messing with us

anymore."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I had never had someone care about me

so deeply that they would risk their life for me. This must be what true love meant.

What you read about in books and saw in the movies. I never believed that it really

existed, but after what Luka had done, I was now a believer in the power that love had

over people. I just wish the violence could have been left out.

* * * * *

"Want to go to the dance with me?" Luka asked me one Saturday.

"Sure." I happily obliged.

The dance was a week away. It would be my first school dance. Ever. Who better

to go with than the boy who helped me discover myself?

"You do know that this is going to cause a big ass stir," Luka cautioned. "Even

bigger than the one we caused when we came out to the school."

"To hell with them," I said. "I'm tired of hiding and letting others run my life."

Chapter Eleven

There were gasps as we walked into the crowded gym decorated with balloons

and bright crepe paper. Luka and I stood in the entrance, arm in arm, and stared at the

sea of eyes that were fixed upon us. We smiled at each other, confidently walked to the

middle of the gym, and began to slow dance in each other's arms.

There were murmurs all around us about how sick we were; that we were

committing a sin and would be going straight to Hell, but I didn't let any of those voices

permeate my brain. I was having too good a time dancing with Luka to let the unjust

fears and hate of my classmates spoil my evening.

As the song played, Luka held me close, serenading me, softly singing the love

song into my ear, causing me to giggle. I held onto him tight, never wanting this

moment to end. We were perfectly in step to the music, moving totally in sync. To

outsiders it must have looked like magic. We seemed to know what the other was

thinking, what the other was going to do before he did it. Little did the outsiders know

Luka and I had been practicing all week, working hard so that we wouldn't look out of

place when we danced.

Our time in Heaven was cut short as the principal walked over to us and tapped

us on the shoulders so hard he left marks.

"May I see the two of you outside? Now." Judging by the tone of his voice, that

was not a request.

We made our way through the sea of disgusted stares and walked out into the

dimly-lit hallway. I'm sorry to say that some people actually cheered after we had left

the gym.

"I've tolerated a lot from you two over the past couple of months. Kissing.

Hugging. Walking hand in hand." His face grew more and more disgusted and he

looked like he was trying to keep from throwing up. "But it is no longer cute. It

specifically says on the flyers that at this dance all couples are to be boy/girl. Now

either you two comply with that rule or both of you are to vacate these premises."

"This is bull crap," Luka exploded. "We live in America. Land of the free. All men

are equal."

"This is not a democracy, young man," the principal said, degrading him. "This is

school. The rules of government do not apply."

"Yeah, no shit," Luka replied defiantly.

"Perhaps I should call your parents," the principal threatened seriously.

"No." I spoke for the first time. "Luka, let's go catch a late movie." I pleaded with

not only my voice but also my eyes.

"Fine," Luka gave in.

"And I want you two to stop the public displays during school hours."

"You mean this?" Luka asked before rebelling, grabbing me, and kissing me long

and hard. He broke the kiss, grabbed my hand, and the two of us ran out the front door

and into the cool night air.

Luka was laughing as we made our way down the sidewalk with just the yellow-

orange light from the streetlamps to guide us.

"The look on his face was priceless," Luka said.

"You are so crazy."

"Maybe a little. Hey, let's go to the mall. I want to buy some stuff at Banana

Republic. It's my favorite store."

"I've never been in there," I confessed.

"Seriously? You've never been in Banana Republic? Well, we're gonna have to

change that."

I stared at the clothing store in amazement. It was huge! I had never seen so

many clothes. I also couldn't believe people could afford to buy them. Even though I

came from money, I was still very money conscious.

"Wanna help me pick stuff out?" Luka asked.

"Um….okay."

Luka lead me over to a rack with some T-shirts on it and started looking through

them. My eyes widened as I saw him looking through the small section.

"I only wear small shirts. I hate large ones," he said selecting a couple to try on.

"Be right back."

He walked into the dressing room and every few minutes came out wearing one

of the selections. He asked me what I thought of the shirts and eagerly awaited my

honest opinion.

Settling on a purple shirt, an orange one and a faded green one, he continued to

look around the store. His eyes fell on a display of socks and he picked out a couple of

multi-colored plaid socks that would have looked ridiculous on anyone else.

"I wanna get some briefs but I'm real picky about my underwear," he said,

looking at several packages. "I hate white briefs. I only wear colored ones." He rifled

through more packages of briefs. I would have been embarrassed to shop for

underwear, even in front of my boyfriend, but he acted like it was no big deal. "Sweet.

Purple, blue and yellow briefs. I've never seen yellow ones. And the purple ones will go

with my shirt. That's the nice thing about having parents who are lawyers. They give

me money whenever I ask," he chuckled before growing serious. "I think that's why I

got into all the trouble I did back in Cali. I never had to work for anything. It was

always handed to me. I used my looks and body to get by in life. I know I'm not that

smart. Plus, my parents paid for everything. I did the drugs and sex because I was

bored."

"I know how you feel," I said, squeezing his hand. "I got a large inheritance after

my Gran died. And my parents give me a ton of money, I think mostly to ease their

guilt. It sounds crazy, but I hate it."

After paying for his clothes, we went to the food court and bought some greasy

burgers, gooey cheese fries, and some sodas. We continued to walk around the

gargantuan mall until it closed.

* * * * *

"My office. Now." The principal screamed at us after seeing our lips locked in an

embrace.

We followed him into the office and sat down before his judgmental,

disapproving eyes.

"What did I tell you two last night?"

"Why should I stop showing Mitch how much I love him? Huh?" Luka asked

defiantly.

"You don't love him. Teenagers can't be in love. You don't know what love is.

You're too young. This is just a fad. Something you're doing because some movie actor

or singer said it's cool to be gay. Well, let me tell you, son, it's not."

"Who are you to say who can be in love and who can't? Who are you to say

what's right or wrong? Or tell us how we feel? I love Mitch. I do. Give me one good

reason why I shouldn't express my love to him."

Luka was brave. I could never talk to a person of power like that.

"You want a reason? Fine. I'll give you four. One. It's disgusting. Two. It's

unnatural. Three. It's a sin. And four. It makes the straight students uncomfortable."

"You gotta be kiddin' me," Luka said, offended. "Those are crap reasons that have

no basis. What if I said that I get uncomfortable watching the straight students pawing

each other? You gonna tell them to stop?"

"We're not talking about them. We're talking about you two. Given the reason

why you had to move here, Mr. Everest, I would think you would be more apt to keep a

low profile and try to stay out of trouble." The principal glared warningly.

"This is crap. If we were straight we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

Luka stormed out of the office, slamming the door so hard the frame shook. I

was sure the glass would break. I stood up to follow him but the principal's words

grounded me.

"Maybe I should call your parents."

"No," I quickly pleaded. "Please. Don't." I begged, close to getting on my hands

and knees.

"Why shouldn't I? I think your parents would want to know what's going on

with their son."

"Please," I repeated. Desperately I tried to think of something I could use to

barter with him. "If you don't call Luka's or my parents, I will guarantee that my

parents donate more money to the school."

My parents were big financial supporters of the school. I suppose they thought it

made up for not spending any time with me. I just prayed I could appeal to the

principal's greed.

"Well, if you can guarantee that…." I could see the dollar signs in his eyes.

"I promise."

"Deal. But I still want you two to cool the gay stuff. Now get out of here."

Embarrassed, ashamed, and defeated, I nodded my head, eyes staring a hole into

the floor and walked out of the office, looking for Luka.

* * * * *

Luka was pacing back and forth in the hall. His face was the color of hot coals.

Every so often he would hit his fist against a locker, not caring if he injured himself.

"That dirty…." he was mumbling under his breath. "Saying it's a sin. It's

disgusting. Unnatural. Makes the other kids uncomfortable. Screw them. And screw

him. It's not wrong. We have nothing to be ashamed of. Probably going to call our

parents. Mine are going to kill me."

"He's not going to call our parents."

"How do you know?"

"I promised him my parents would donate a lot of money to the school if he

didn't call them."

"Why would you make a deal with the Devil?"

"I had too. I'm not ready for my parents to find out about me. Not yet. Not like

this."

"I guess you did what you had to do," Luka conceded, his boiling anger

simmering.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Never. I'm mad at everyone who is trying to make us ashamed of who we are."

It took some strong convincing on my part, but I was able to get Luka to see that

just because we couldn't be affectionate at school, it didn't mean they had won.

"It kills me that I can't kiss you in school anymore. That I can't hold you," Luka

confessed to me one day.

"I know. You'll just have to make up for it when we're at my house." I smiled

coyly. I was surprised that this seductive nature had come out in me.

Although there were restrictions on our relationship and the principal was

watching us under a microscope, Luka would still steal a kiss from me when no one

was around. Sneaking around like this, the fear of getting caught, added to the

eroticism. However, the fear of getting caught also made me worry that the principal

would veto our deal and call our parents.

I didn't know what would happen then. Would Luka and I still be able to see

each other? Would his parents force him to move again? Would mine? These were

questions I hoped I would never get answers to.

* * * * *

A scream of pleasure ripped itself from my voice box, shattering the silence of

the house as my body exploded with the orgasm that pulsed through me. My body

involuntarily lurched itself up into a sitting position before I dropped onto the bed,

exhausted. I was drenched to the bone with sweat; I looked like I'd just taken a shower.

My breathing was rapid and shallow. My stomach swiftly rose and fell. My heart was

palpitating so much I felt that it would break out of my chest cavity.

With all the stress I had been feeling, I had to do something to release all the

tension building up inside me, both sexual and non. I looked around my empty

bedroom. Luka should be here. He should be helping me relieve all the tension and stress of

my life. I wanted him so bad it ached.

I sighed and walked into the bathroom for a drink of water. I gulped the water

down like someone who hadn't had any for years. Its freshness replenished my body

and nourished my parched throat and dry lips. I caught a glimpse of my nude torso in

the mirror. I bit my lip and looked around, assuring myself that I was truly alone in the

house. My cheeks turned the color of fresh rose petals with the thoughts that went

through my mind, with what I was thinking about doing.

I let out a breath. I had to do this now before I lost the nerve. I stumbled over my

feet as I ran out of the bathroom to my parent's room. I had to do this quickly. I was

inches from conquering my deepest fears.

I turned on the light to my parent's room and walked in. I felt as big as a gnat

standing in the massive room. Their brass bed, cold and uninviting after years of not

being used, scared me. With the aspen green comforter on it, the bed resembled a huge

monster lying dormant that could come alive and eat me up, just swallow me whole

any minute.

Getting down on my hands and knees, I crept cautiously along the green, shag

carpet toward the bed. The carpet was so thick it reminded me of a field. Gingerly

touching the comforter, I slowly pulled it up and looked under the bed, wanting to be

sure that no demons from Hell waited under the bed for me, ready to assault me and

pull me down into the fiery, black hole they called home sweet home.

I inspected the belly of the bed carefully and breathed normally when I was

certain that nothing but a family of dust bunnies lived under the bed.

Turning around, I saw my naked form staring back at me in the full-length

mirror my dad had attached to the closet door so my mom could admire her figure in

all of her expensive evening gowns. I felt ashamed, seeing myself naked. I wondered if

this was how Adam and Eve felt when they learned they were sinning, and there really

was no true Paradise.

Wait, I thought, what do I have to be embarrassed about? Why should I feel ashamed?

My body isn't ugly. My body is beautiful.

I repeated that last line to myself, trying to believe it. Why was I scared to let

Luka see me naked? To explore my body? He obviously wanted to. My body turned

him on. Why did it turn me off?

I looked at myself, really looked at myself for the first time, concentrating with

all my might as if I was trying to memorize every minute detail, trying to etch myself

permanently into my mind. My eyes wandered lower and lower, finally resting on my

flaccid penis. My most private part was the only place on my body, besides my head,

that had decided it was ready to grow hair.

I let out a massive tornado of air as my hands gently caressed the soft nest of

curly, black hair that surrounded my penis. I became hard, but this time my hardness

didn't come from being sexually excited. It came from this new sense of indescribable

freedom I now felt I had.

I continued to watch my reflective shadow as my hands explored and touched

every inch of my body with abandon. Toes. Feet. Chest. Butt. Testicles. Eyes. Nose.

Mouth. No part of me was off limit. I had lived in my body for seventeen years and that

night I felt, for the first time, that I had actually seen myself and knew who I was. Like a

bird who had finally learned how to use its adult wings and soar above the clouds

without adult supervision, I too felt like I was soaring and no force, not even gravity

itself, could pull me down to earth.

I made an important decision that night. My mind was made up and nothing

could change it. I needed Luka. I wanted Luka. I wanted Luka to take my virginity. And

I was finally ready to let him take that gift. I was ready to give myself to him, fully and

without shame.

Chapter Twelve

"Mitchell." Mr. Tomkins pulled me aside after class one day. "How are you

doing?"

"All right."

"I heard about what happened with you and Luka. I'm sorry. That's really

unfair."

"It's all right, Mr. Tomkins. Me and Luka both knew that coming out to the

school wouldn't be easy."

"Still, it's not right."

I walked out of Mr. Tomkins' class with a smile on my face and my head held

high. At least there was one person in the school who supported us and who we could

count on.

* * * * *

"Someone has a special day coming up," Luka crooned in a sing-song voice, his

arms around me. "And I know who."

I was a little embarrassed by the attention. Nobody had ever made a big deal

about my birthday before. My parents had called and left a message, wishing me a

happy fifteenth birthday, even though I was turning eighteen and my birthday was still

a week away. They were always either early or late wishing me a happy birthday and

they never got my age right. For three years they'd wished me a happy fifteenth

birthday.

"We gotta do something special," Luka said, excitedly planning.

"No. I don't want you to make a big deal out of this," I insisted, still not used to

the attention.

"Come on, it's your eighteenth birthday. We gotta do something."

I shook my head no. Luka put his hands on my cheeks and manipulated my

head as if it were a marionette, until I was shaking my head yes.

"We will do something," Luka corrected me, before trying to imitate my voice

and making me laugh. "Yes, we will, Luka. I want you to make a big deal about my

birthday because I know it would make you happy and I know how much you love

me," Luka continued his ventriloquist act. "Well okay, Mitch," he said, returning to his

normal voice. "If you insist. I'll make a big deal."

I continued to laugh but shook my head no again when Luka had dropped the

strings. I was adamant that Luka just forget about it and not make a big deal about it,

even though I knew that that was not Luka's way.

* * * * *

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Mitch, I

love you. Happy birthday to you." Luka kissed me after he had finished serenading me.

We were sitting on the floor of the living room, a huge chocolate cake between

us. Lights off. The glow of eighteen candles kept the night at bay. Luka had put a CD in

the stereo and a slow love song was played softly in the background. It was just like

something out of a movie.

Luka had come over just as the sun had gone to bed, the cake still sealed in its

package.

"Happy birthday baby," Luka said, smiling before kissing me. "I brought you a

cake. I made it fresh this morning." There was a small pause and his smile grew bigger.

"Actually, I bought it fresh this morning but it's still the same thing. Right?"

I laughed, happy that Luka had done something for my birthday after all.

"Make a wish, baby," Luka said, rubbing my shoulders and back.

I thought for a moment then blew out the candles.

"I hope you get your wish," Luka whispered.

"It's already come true," I said, caressing the cake with my finger and sticking it

in Luka's mouth.

Some of the chocolate frosting got stuck in his beard and I kissed it away.

What started out as a little kiss quickly evolved as I took the lead and explored

Luka's body, kissing him passionately. The cake forgotten, Luka's mouth was all the

nourishment I needed.

"Damn," Luka said when we surfaced for air. "I've never seen you this intense. I

like it."

I got up, took his hand and led him up the stairs to my room.

"Where are we going?" Luka asked.

"My room. There's something I want to give you."

"What is it?"

I didn't answer him but continued to lead him to my room, slyly smiling at him.

We walked into the darkened room. The rays of the full moon penetrated the

window and illuminated the room in a magical spectrum of grays, silvers, and pale

blues.

"What did you want to give me, Mitch?"

I turned around and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck and gently

stroking his hair.

"Me," I answered. "Make love to me, Luka," I whispered into his mouth.

Luka took half a step back and looked at me.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded then followed with, "Yes."

Gently, Luka removed my shirt and carelessly threw it to the ground. I let out a

gasp of surprise as he grabbed my waist and kissed my chest. He gently tugged on my

nipples, hard as little pink erasers, with his mouth. He quickly discarded his shirt and

jeans and stood before me in his too-tight briefs, already tenting out.

He moved me over to the bed, guiding me as we continued to kiss. The back of

my knees hit the edge of the bed, forcing me to sit down. Luka reached down and

removed my jeans and briefs. He looked at my body, taking it in, savoring the sight of

my nakedness.

"Disappointed?" I asked, worried and suddenly self-conscious.

"You are so beautiful," Luka assured me. "I love skinny guys. They're the only

ones that can turn me on."

I laughed. Luka gently removed my glasses from my face.

"Wait, don't take my glasses off."

"Why?"

"Because I can't see you," I whispered.

Kissing the tip of my nose, Luka put my glasses back on before he removed his

briefs and I stared at him. This was the first time I had really looked at a naked boy

before. Like me, the only hair on Luka's body was the mass of blond, neatly-trimmed

curls around his penis and small tufts under his arms; although I suspected Luka didn't

have hair anyplace else because he used a razor and not because his body refused to

grow it.

My heart beat faster. Luka was so big. Bigger than I had expected. Would this

hurt? Would he be gentle? Rough? I began to sweat.

"It's okay." Luka kissed me and gently caressed my face.

He eased me back and got on top of me, our naked bodies touching each other.

We made out for a few minutes. I began to relax and let my body enjoy the sensations.

"Are you ready?" Luka asked.

I nodded. Luka took a condom out of his jeans, slid it over his erect penis, then

positioned both me and him so he could enter me as he slowly massaged me with his

lube-covered fingers. I held my breath and my stomach knotted with nervous

excitement at the lube's cool touch mixed with Luka's long fingers.

"I'm going to go slow. I don't want to hurt you, baby. This is going to hurt a little,

but it won't be so bad. Like one second of pain and then it'll feel good. But if it hurts too

much, tell me and I'll pull out."

I nodded again, my voice lost. I held my breath and prepared myself. I let out a

small rush of air as Luka's penis entered me. He moved slowly, going inch by inch,

giving my body time to get used to the foreign invader inside me.

Once Luka had gotten completely inside me, he was motionless for several

minutes. Making sure that I was okay. A few tears had fallen from my eyes, a mixture

of pain and joy. Luka kissed my eyes and wiped away the tears.

"Are you okay?" His voice was husky.

I nodded.

Very slowly, Luka began to make love to me. Every so often he moaned my

name. He kissed my face and neck. My hands caressed his back.

It felt good being this connected to Luka. The two of us like one. I found myself

moaning in pleasure, more so as Luka found his rhythm. I shocked myself as I heard

myself moan out his name. My hands got more adventurous and moved lower and

lower down Luka's back. He moaned in pleasure as I reached his well-muscled butt and

squeezed his hard cheeks.

This was the most wonderful moment of my life. I was beyond overjoyed that

Luka had been my first.

After we had climaxed, Luka collapsed on top of me, kissing me and telling me

he loved me. I returned the mantra and stroked his sweat-soaked hair. He pulled out of

me and rolled to the side. Instinctively, I rolled over and rested my head on his chest.

"Stay with me tonight?"

He kissed me. Putting his arms protectively around me, he held me tight to him.

I listened to the rhythmic thump, thump, thumping of his heart.

"Thank you," Luka whispered before kissing my forehead.

* * * * *

The sunlight hitting my eyes woke me up the next morning. Luka was still

asleep. The way his hair enveloped his face and the light shined off his bronzed body

made him look like an angel. I gently rubbed his chest and kissed his nipples. Luka

slowly opened his eyes, looked down at me and kissed me.

"Morning," he said blissfully.

"I love you," was my reply.

* * * * *

I was lounging on my bed trying to concentrate on my math homework but

failing miserably. I was still euphoric, thinking about my birthday and the incredible

night we had had. He had given me my wings that night, causing me to soar with the

drug that was him. How was I supposed to get this damn math done when all I could

think about was Luka?

Shit, I thought, I'm going to fail math. Okay. I let out a breath, trying to clear my

mind. Meditating. Hoping to channel Gandhi so that I could find my chi and do this. I

can do this. I can do this.

I picked up my pencil, determined to finish the equations by dinner. I looked

down at my textbook and started to work on the problems. I was just finishing

multiplying improper fractions when….damn. The fraction had turned itself into Luka's

face. Every equation had transformed into Luka, smiling up at me. I threw the pencil

across the room in frustration.

"I'm screwed," I said, defeated.

My session of self-pity and feeling sorry for myself was short lived as I heard the

rap, rap, rapping of knuckles against my window. I turned and smiled at the Adonis

that I saw when I got to the window.

"Luka." I cried happily, rushing over to the window and helping the Greek god

into my room. "I was just thinking about you."

"Ditto," Luka replied. "What are you working on?"

"I'm trying to do my math but it's kicking my ass."

"You have a cute ass," Luka said, lightly hitting it.

"You're crazy."

"You're beautiful," Luka said, wrapping his arms around me and staring deep

into my eyes.

"You're beautiful," I insisted, burying my head in his chest.

Luka stayed with me and helped me finish the tedious math problems. Having

Luka there, I found it both easier and more difficult to concentrate.

Afterwards, we grabbed some dinner, went up to my room, put on some music

and went to bed.

"The only thing I wish," Luka said after we had made love, "is that I didn't have

to wear a condom. I wish I could fully be with you."

"If you want…." I began.

"No," he stated firmly. "I can't put your health in danger. If I gave it to you it

would kill me. I would feel like I killed you."

* * * * *

"I think that was the best one yet," I moaned as Luka climaxed. His body

trembled.

"Yeah. It was," he agreed, voice husky as he pulled out of me. "I love you

so….shit! Oh fuck! No!"

"What happened?" I asked, suddenly worried. "What's wrong?"

"The condom broke." He looked at me, eyes clouded with worry. "Fuck. Did I

come inside you?"

"I don't know," I answered, mind starting to race with fear.

"We gotta get you tested. What time is it?" He looked at the clock. "Shit. The

clinics are closed."

"We'll just go tomorrow," I said, voice calm, though inside I was as nervous as

Luka. "It'll be okay. We'll go tomorrow and everything will be okay."

"Everything will not be okay, Mitch," Luka countered. "What if I gave it to you?

Oh, God."

Quickly he leapt off the bed and ran into the bathroom. I could hear him

throwing up. I hurried to wipe away the tears that had formed at the corners of my

eyes. I had to be strong.

* * * * *

My heart was pounding as the doctor administered the rapid HIV test.

"Have you ever been tested before?" he asked.

"No," I answered. "Luka's my first. We just started sleeping together."

"And you two have always used condoms?"

"Always," I answered.

"I always made sure of it," Luka interjected as he paced back and forth, running

his hands nervously through his hair. Looking at me he silently mouthed two words:

I'm sorry.

* * * * *

"Why is it taking so long?" Luka mumbled as he paced around the room. "I

thought this was supposed to be rapid."

"Please calm down," I said, amazed my voice didn't crack.

"I can't calm down. Fuck. I can't believe this is happening to us. We've always

been careful. This is so unfair." He flopped down on the hard, metal chair and looked at

me. "Maybe what we're doing is wrong. Maybe it is a sin and this is God's way of

punishing us."

"Luka don't," I said, getting off the examining table and sitting on his lap. Gently

I stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "It's not a sin what we're doing. Please don't

turn into one of those freaks who say that HIV and AIDS are God's way of punishing

people for their sins."

Luka squeezed my hand and tried to give me a reassuring smile. "I love you."

I started to respond but was cut off as the doctor came back in the room.

"Your test came back negative." The doctor smiled at me. As one, Luka and I let

out the breath we had been holding.

"Good." I closed my eyes.

"You should get tested again in four months just to make sure," the doctor said.

"I will, doctor," I promised.

"I'll make sure he does," Luka said.

"That was too close for comfort," Luka said as we walked out of the clinic. "If that

test would have come back positive I don't know what I would have done."

"We would have gotten through it," I said. "Together."

"I'm so sorry," Luka said, hugging me tight, tears in his eyes.

"It's not your fault," I said, squeezing him back. "I love you."

* * * * *

The sun lovingly hit my face, warming it in its soft orange blanket. Luka had his

arms around me; my face was buried in his chest.

Everything was peaceful until I felt a pair of strong hands yank me off Luka and

an older, male voice shout, "What the hell is going on in this house?"

Luka and I were jolted awake, frightened by the unexpected voice. What I saw in

front of me made my heart stop. My parents had come home.

My father looked ready to kill me and my mother stood there with her hand over

her mouth, as if she was trying to keep the meal she had eaten on the plane in her

stomach.

My father glared at Luka, killing him a thousand times with the knives that shot

out of his eye sockets.

"Who are you?" My father asked Luka. "What is going on here?" Then, not even

giving him a chance to answer, he shouted "Get out of my house." My father picked

Luka up by his arm and threw him out of my bedroom. "And if I ever see you around

my son, I'll kill you," were his parting words to my boyfriend.

I stood up, scared. My father turned and slowly walked toward me. He looked

me up and down, disgusted as if I was a piece of food that had started to mold and

stink up the house. He slapped me. My face stung with the force and hardness. I let out

a little cry of pain.

"Little faggot," my father said as his palm connected to my cheek a second time.

"Is this what you do when we're away? Use our house for your degenerate, gay

brothel?"

I tried to speak but he cut me off.

"Shut up. I don't want to hear anything from you. You disgust me. I'm ashamed

to call you my son."

He started to walk out of the room but turned and said one final thing to me.

"You two had better not have been screwing around in public. I will not have my good

name tarnished because my son is a fag."

That was the last thing my father ever said to me. After that, he walked out of my

room and out of my life.

"Mom…." I pleaded, tears in my eyes.

"How could you?" was all my mother said to me, as if I had just murdered the

Pope.

She was crying as she ran out of the room.

* * * * *

That night, sobbing into my pillow, I heard my father on the phone, booking last

minute plane tickets.

"I don't care where we go," my father told his travel agent. "We just have to get

out of this house. Something has come up and we can't stay here. Perfect," I heard him

say. "We'll meet you at the airport in twenty minutes."

Why did this have to happen? I had been so happy and now I was alone. Luka

was gone from my life. Probably forever. He would never come over here again. Why

would he want to risk getting caught again? Why would he want my father to yell and

manhandle him again? Or do something worse.

After my parents had left, I wandered around the room, my vision blurred by

my tears.

"I really am all alone," I told the darkness. "I have nothing to live for."

I walked into the kitchen, got a butcher knife and slid down the wall onto the

floor. I held the knife to my wrist, gently letting the cold metal caress my skin. I prayed,

once again, for the strength to do this. What did it matter this time? No one was going

to save me. No knight in shining armor was going to come through that door and save

my life. It wouldn't be like it was at the lagoon.

The lagoon. I thought about the first time I had tried to kill myself. How Luka

had dove in and, even though I had said I hated him and never wanted to see him

again, he had still saved me and brought me back to life. I remembered his words. How

he said he had worried that he'd lost me. That I was gone. Could I really do that to

Luka? What would he do if I went through with this? Would he care? Would he be sad?

Angry? Relieved? Would he hate me?

"God, I'm so confused." I shrieked like a banshee and threw the knife across the

kitchen. "Please help me know what to do."

* * * * *

I made my way to the lagoon. The sun was just rising. Even though he was in the

shadows, I could still see Luka sitting with his toes in the water. I could hear him

crying.

"Why do I hurt everyone I love? Everyone I care about? Everyone who matters to

me gets taken away from me. Am I that evil that I don't deserve love?"

"No." I gently put my hand on his shoulder, startling him, almost making him

topple into the water.

He looked up at me.

"Mitch?" he questioned, as if he didn't really believe it was me. Wrapping my

arms around his neck, I kissed him deeply, greedily drinking his kisses. "What about

your parents?"

"They're gone. They don't care about me I don't care about them. They've never

been parents. I'm not going to let them control me."

"How are we supposed to be together?"

"We will. It's just us now."

"What are you talking about?"

"Let's get out. Just leave this town. Go somewhere where people don't know us.

Where we can be together."

"That's crazy," Luka said.

"So what?"

"You really want to do this?"

"If you do," I answered.

"Let's do it then." Luka smiled. "We can find a house in the mountains by a lake.

And if we can't find one, I'll build you one. It'll be our house."

"With an apple tree out back," I added, causing Luka to laugh.

"Yeah. And every morning, I'll go out and pick you one."

I helped Luka up and we kissed. I looked over the water of the lagoon, a pale

black just beginning to show its true blue colors. A soft, orange glow from the rising sun

veiled the trees.

And so it began. We ran away from our past. From everyone who had said that

we shouldn't be together. We didn't know where we were going but we knew as long as

we were together, we would be okay.

~The End~

About the Author

Joe Filippone was born and raised in Denver, Colorado, where he had a long and
successful acting career before moving to California, where he now acts and writes
fulltime. He has appeared on numerous TV and web series as well as movies,
commercials, music videos, and theatrical productions. Joe's short stories have
appeared in nearly forty anthologies, and he is hard at work on his next novel.