FAKINGIT
By
ChristinaRoss
FakingItisthefirstbookinathree-bookseriesthatfocusesontheentertainment
industry.NextupisMakingIt,andthencomesKillingIt.Eachbookisastand-alone
novelwithaguaranteedHEA,plentyofdrama,hotsex,humor,angst,andcharacters
you’llcometolove—andneverforget.CharactersfromFakingItwillbeshowcasedin
minorrolesinMakingIt,andthesamewillbetrueforKillingIt,whichwillfeature
charactersfromtheprevioustwobooks.Inotherwords,welcometomynewbookfamily
—andthreesexynewbookboyfriends!
BELOWARETHEUSLINKSTOALLMYBOOKS:
AlsobyChristinaRoss:
CopyrightandLegalNotice:ThispublicationisprotectedundertheUSCopyrightAct
of1976andallotherapplicableinternational,federal,state,andlocallaws.Allrightsare
reserved,includingresalerights.
Anytrademarks,servicemarks,productnames,ornamedfeaturesareassumedtobethe
propertyoftheirrespectiveownersandareusedonlyforreference.Noimplied
endorsementisintendedbytheuseofanyoftheseterms.Nopartofthisbookmaybe
reproducedinanyformbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans(includingphotocopying,
recording,orinformationstorageandretrieval)withoutpermissioninwritingfromthe
author.
Firste-bookedition©2017.
Disclaimer:Thisisaworkoffiction.Anysimilaritytopersonslivingordead(unless
explicitlynoted)ismerelycoincidental.
Copyright©2017ChristinaRoss
Allrightsreservedworldwide.
Formyfriendsandmyfamily,
andespeciallyformyreaders,whomeantheworldtome.
Alsotomybestfriend,ErikaRhys,
whowasindispensabletowritingFakingIt.
CONTENTS
Manyreadershaveasked,so!;-)
HereisthereadingorderfortheAnnihilateMeseries:
AnnihilateMe,Vol.1
AnnihilateMe,Vol.2
AnnihilateMe,Vol.3
AnnihilateMe,Vol.4
AnnihilateMe,Holiday
UnleashMe,Vol.1
UnleashMe,Vol.2
UnleashMe,Vol.3
AnnihilateHim,Vol.1
AnnihilateHim,Vol.2
AnnihilateHim,Vol.3
IgniteMe
AnnihilateHim:Holiday
ADangerousWidow
AnnihilateThem
AnnihilateThem:Holiday
UnleashMe:Wedding
FAKINGIT
By
ChristinaRoss
CHAPTERONE
NewYorkCity
June
ThemorningafterIarrivedhomefromawhirlwindtriptotheCannesFilmFestival—
wheremyfirstmovie,Lion,wonthePalmed’OrandwhereIsomehowalsowonthe
covetedUnCertainRegardprizeforbestactress—myagent,HarperCarmichael,wason
thephonefirstthing.
“Sienna,darling,it’sHarper,”shesaidinthatbreezyvoiceofhers.“Areyouawake?
It’sseveno’clock,soIneedyoutobeawake.Becauseeverythingisblowingupright
now.”
“I’mawakenow,”IsaidasIsatupinbedandshieldedmyeyesfromthesunpouring
throughthewindowinfrontofme.I’darrivedinNewYorklastnight,justbefore
midnight.BythetimeI’dgottentomyapartment,takenashower,andcrawledintobed,it
hadbeenpasttwointhemorning.ApparentlyI’dforgottentoclosethecurtains.
“ What’sblowingup?”IaskedasIgotoutofbedandshutthecurtains.“Hasthere
beenanotherterroristattack?”
“Youreallyareoutofit,aren’tyou?”
“I’veonlyhadafewhoursofsleep.”
“Crymeariver,”shesaid.“Becausewhat’sblowingupisyou.Afteryourwinat
Cannes,thingsarefinallyhappening.Peoplearetalking.Myphonesareonfire.AndI
probablyshouldgetanothere-mailaccountdedicatedsolelyforyou.Becauserightnow,
everyoneishungrytogetapieceofSiennaJones.Andbecauseofthatalone,youneedto
beinmyofficebyten,becausewehaveplentytodiscuss.Andlaterintheday,you’re
scheduledforanaudition.”
“Anaudition?”Isaid.“Withwhom?”
“NaturallyIknow,butsinceIwanttoseeyourfacewhenItellyou,I’mkeepingmy
mouthshut.ButIwilltellyouthis:it’sasbigasitgets.It’swithamajorA-listactor—and
Imeanhuge.Asinaction-starhuge.Iftheylikeyourauditionandyousnagthepart,we’re
talkingtotalcareergamechangerhere,soIneedyoutoshowuplookingyourbest.Full
hairandmakeup.Wearasummerydressthatmakesyoufeelpretty—andalsoalittlebit
sexy.”
“Harper,I’mnotsureIcandoprettyorsexyrightnow.Canneswasintense.Ibarely
gotanysleep.Thosepartiesyoutoldmetogotowerenonstop.So,asforgivingyou
pretty,letalonesexy,letmejustsaythis:I’mprettysurethatrightnowtheonlythingI
canpulloffisahot,sexymess.”
“Sparemethelies,”shesaid.“Thoseparties—pairedwithyourcharmandyoursuperb
performanceinLion—aretheveryreasonsyouwonthataward,Sienna.So,Ineedyouto
dothis—notforme,butforyou.Haveyourcoffee.Getintoyourzone.Andthentakea
long,hotshowerbeforeyoupullyourselftogetherandcomeherelookinglikethestarthat
youare.”
“Lionisn’tevenoutintheatersyet,”Isaid.“I’mnostar,Harper.”
“You’reabouttobecomeone,sugar,becauseafteryourwin,you’realsoabouttodoa
shitloadofinterviews.VoguewantsyoutobethefaceoftheirSeptemberissue.”
“Comeagain?”
“Youheardme.”
“Areyouserious?TheirSeptemberissue?Butthat’s—”
“Theirbiggestandmostimportantissueoftheyear,”shesaid.“Andthenthere’sthe
Times,whichwantstodoasit-downwithyoustat.VarietyandtheHollywoodReporter
areeagertotellyourstory—whichiscritical,becausethey’rethetrads.Andthelistgoes
on.Whenitcomestointerviewsalone,I’vegotyoubookedforthenexttwoweeks.So,I
needyoutolistentomeveryclosely,becausethisissomethingI’veseenhappenonlya
fewtimesbefore,andIknowwhatitcandotoacareer.”
“Allright,”Isaid,feelingasifapartofmybodywereseparatingfromitself.“I’lldoit
—whateverIneedtodo.I’llpullittogetherandbeinyourofficebyten.”
“Goodtohear,”shesaid,“becauselightningcan’tstrikeifyouaren’tstandingoutin
therain,mydeargirl.Andforyou?Rightnowit’spouring,andmyjobistomakesure
yougetsoakedsothatlightningcanstriketimeandagain.I’llseeyouatten.Anddon’t
disappointme.ComeherelookingliketheknockoutIknowyoucanbe.”
***
“Well,”HarpersaidwhenIenteredherofficeatten.“Lookatyou!Notsuchahotmess
afterall.”
“Consideritthemiracleofahotshowerandtwostrongcupsofcoffee,”IsaidafterI’d
givenherahug.Shehuggedmebackinthewayamotherwould,saiditwasgoodtosee
me,andthentookastepbacktoassessmewithasweepingglance.
“Morelikethemiracleofyouthandtheluckofhavinggoodgenes.”
Atfifty-four,HarperCarmichaelwasaforcetobereckonedwith.Shewasaself-
proclaimedlipsticklesbianwhowaspartofanelitefewwholedthecareersofsomeofthe
world’sfinesttalent.
Forherage,shewasalsosmokinghot.
Shewasthecompletepackage—abeautiful,well-preservedblondewhowassmart,
quick,driven,connected,andsuccessful.ShewasastallasIwas,whichallowedher
accesstothekindoffashionthatwasn’taccessibletomostwomen.Todayshewas
wearingawhiteGucciembroideredclunylacedresswithajeweledbackbowthatshowed
offhertonedlegs.OnherfeetglimmeredapairofJimmyChoofearnepatentcrisscross
wedgesandalsinblack,whichIknewforafacthadsetherbackacoolgrand.Shewore
herhairrakedawayfromherfaceinawaythatIthoughtaccentuatedherfinebone
structure.
WewereinherexpansiveofficeonLexingtonAvenueintheChryslerBuilding,where
theall-powerfulandall-importantCreativeArtistsAgencyhelditsofficesonthree
separatefloors.AnyonewhowasanyoneinHollywoodwaseithersignednowbyCAAor
hadoncebeensignedbyit.AmongitscurrentclientswereMerylStreep,WillSmith,
SarahJessicaParker,GeorgeClooney,LupitaNyong’o,JuliaRoberts,JohnnyDepp,
NicoleKidman,andbeyond.
WhenIwasnineteenandhadfirstcometothecityfromDubuque,Iowa,Harperwas
theonlypersonoutofthedozensofagentsI’dmetwithwhohadseenmypotential.When
we’dfirstmet,I’dtoldherthatmydreamwastoworkasanactressonBroadway—orifI
hadto,maybeeveninfilmorintelevision.Broadwaywasmyfirstchoice,whichiswhy
I’dcometoNewYork,butreallyIjustwantedtoact.WhenHarperaskedmepointedly
howmuchmoneyIhadinthebank,shehadotherideas.
“You’llmodel,”she’dsaid.“Becauseifyou’regoingtoliveinthiscity,youalsoneed
tomakequickmoneyjustsoyoucaneatandpaytherent.You’reabeautifulgirl,Sienna,
andmodelingwilldothatforyou.Ontheside,you’lltakeactingclasses.Andoneday—if
we’relucky—thingsmightcometogetherforyou.Here’swhatIsuggest:wegetyourface
outthere,youbecomeknownasaprofessionalwhoiseasytoworkwith,andwhenIfeel
themomentisright,I’llworkmycontactsandgetyouauditions.Butbeforewegoany
further,Ineedyoutounderstandafewthingsfirst.”
“Whatthings?”I’dasked.
“Overtheyears,toomanypeoplesittingwhereyouarenowhavecometomewiththe
perceptionthatstardomcomesquickly,swiftly,easily.Buttheharshrealityformostis
thatittakesyearsofhardwork,talent,andahellofalotoflucktomakeitinthis
business.Ifyouwanttosucceedasanactress,Ineedyoutoknowthatwe’relikely
lookingatamarathonhere,notasprint.Ifbychanceyoudohappentomakeit,youalso
needtoknowthatitwon’tbewithoutamajorfightandmuchsacrificeonyourpart—
becausethisbusinessishard,Sienna.It’snotforthefaintofheart.It’sfraughtwith
frustrationandcrushingdisappointments.So,beforeIagreetosignyou,Ineedtobelieve
thatyou’reupforthatkindofachallenge,becausemytimeisvaluable,andIdon’ttakea
chanceonjustanyone.IfIdon’tbelieveyou’retrulycommittedtothis—andcanhandle
this—knowthatI’llwishyouthebestgoingforward.”
“Ms.Carmichael,Icameheretomakeit,”I’dsaidwithunexpectedpassioninmy
voice.“Icameheretowin.I’vewantedthiseversinceIwasalittlegirl.Igrewupona
workingfarm,andbelievemewhenIsaythatIknowwhathardworklookslike.IfIcan
shovelsteamingpilesofcowandchickenshitatfouro’clockinthemorning—asIdidfor
yearsbeforeIhadtoheadoffforschool—thenIcantakewhateverbullshitthisbusiness
hastothrowatme.Thisismydream.Ifitturnsouttobeamarathon,letitbea
marathon.”
Atthat,she’draisedaneyebrowatme.
“Doyouhaveagoodsupportsystemaroundyou?”she’dthenasked.“Peopleyoucan
relyonwhowillhelpyouthroughthedifficulttimes?”
“Ihaveanexcellentrelationshipwithmyparents,”Isaid.“AndIhaveseveralclose
girlfriendsIcanalwayscounton.”
“Howwelldoyouhandledisappointment?”
“GenerallyItakethehitandmoveon.”
“Evenwhenitgetspersonal?”
“I’mnorobot,”Isaid.“I’mnotgoingtolietoyouandsaythatIdon’thavefeelings.
WhatIcansaytruthfullyisthatI’mafighter.AndI’mespeciallyreadytofightforthis.”
“Well,”she’dsaidafteramoment.“That’sgoodtohear.I’malsogladtohearabout
yourrelationships,particularlytheoneyousharewithyourparents,becausegoinginto
this,you’regoingtoneedthem,Sienna.”
Andthenshe’dsignedme—andmyGod,hadshebeenright.Thisjourneyofourshad
beenonemotherofamarathon.
Butwe’dmadeit.
Aftereightyearsofmodelingandtakingbitpartsinmoviesandtelevisionshows,last
yearI’dfinallylandedtheleadroleinLion.Asdifficultandaschallengingaseverything
leadinguptothatmomenthadbeen,inhindsight,allthehardworkhadbeenworthit—
despitethefactthatduringmostofthoseyears,I’dbarelymadeenoughmoneytosupport
myselfinthisridiculouslyexpensivecity.
ButhereHarperandIwerenow—finallyonthecuspofrealizingallthatwe’dworked
sohardfor.Andsinceshewasnothingifnotasiloofenergywhenthingsweregoing
well,itwasthatsilothatfacedmenow.
“Yourdress,”shesaidasshestoodbacktoappraiseme.“Loveit.Whoareyou
wearing?”
Iwaswearingabright-yellowLelaRosefloralfilcoup é dresswithajeweledneckline,
halfsleeves,andanA-linesilhouette,whichcomplimentedmyheight.Atfivefooteleven,
Iwasatall,slender,stacked,andleggybrunette,whichwasprettymuchcovetedinthe
modelingworld.Afteralltheseyears,mywardrobeoutbankedmypersonalbankaccount
duetothesheerkindnessofthedesignersI’dworkedfor.Manyofwhom—likeLela—had
beenniceenoughtogiftmesomethingoftheirsthatI’dwornontherunway.
“It’saLelaRose,”Isaidtoher.“SinceIhavenoideawhomI’mauditioningfor,Ihope
Ichosewell.”
“Youdid.Let’ssitdown,haveacupofcoffee,andtalk.BecauseafterCannes,Idon’t
knowevenwheretobeginwhenitcomestoyou.”
“Can’twebeginwiththismysteriousaudition?”
“Thatwillcomeintime.First,youandIneedtodecidewhohasaccesstoyouandwho
doesn’t.Becausenoteveryoneshould,Sienna.Weneedtochoosecarefully.Overexposure
isacareerkiller.Whenitcomestoyou,weneedtoleavethemasseswithasenseof
mysterythatturnsintoahunger,sothat’swhatwe’llaimfor.”
Sheturnedawayfrommeandwalkedtowardherglassdesk,onwhichsataniMac,two
telephones,herowncellphone,apadofpaper,andapen.“Sit,”shesaid,pointingtothe
chairoppositeherdesk.“I’llcallJuliaandaskhertobringuscoffee.”
JuliaJacobswasHarper’spersonalassistantandalsomybestfriend.Justhearingher
namemademesmile.Whenshe’darrivedwithtwocupsofcoffee,shootingmeadiscreet
winkbeforesheleft,HarperandIgotdowntoit.
“Obviouslyyou’redoingVogue’sSeptemberissue,”shesaid.“I’vealreadytoldthemto
countyouin.That’sadonedeal.”
“Istillcan’tbelieveit,”Isaid.“Imean,howexcitingisthat?”
“Prettyfuckingexciting,”sheadmitted.“Andcongratulations,Sienna.Theycalledme
rightafterallyourbuzzatCannes,nottheotherwayaround.Andsincewe’retalking
AnnaWintourhere—andgiventheinfluencesheandthatmagazinewield—this
opportunityisindeedhuge.Now,sincethetradstargettheindustry,weneedyouin
VarietyandtheReporter.IwanttopositionyouasthenextItGirlsothatallthestudio
execscometothinkofyouthatway—andthusstartsendingyouscripts.I’llschedule
interviewsandphotoshootswithbothofthem,andI’llalsoaskiftheywillgiveusthe
coversforeach—yes?”
“Yes,please.”
WestrategizedaboutpublicityforanotherthirtyminutesbeforeHarperleanedbackin
herchair,kickedherheelsuponherdesk,andnarrowedhereyesatme.“Nowforthe
goodstuff,”shesaid.
“Iassumethisisabouttheaudition?”
“Itis.Butbeforewegothere,Ihavetoaskyouaseriousquestion.Becausewhat’sbeen
proposedtomebyacolleaguehereatCAAissomethingthatwillradicallychangeyour
life,likelybytheendofthisweekifyougetthejob.”
“Howwilllandingonejobchangemylifebytheendoftheweek?”Iasked.
“Let’sconsiderthisauniqueaudition,”shesaid.“Sorrytobevague,butIhaveno
choice.WhenIwasapproachedaboutthisopportunity,Iwasaskedtosigna
nondisclosureagreementbeforeIwastoldanything.Andbeforeyouknowwhatthisis
about,you’llbeaskedtodothesame.”
“Thatsoundskindofominous…”
“Notinthisbusiness,itisn’t.Youcan’tevenimaginehowmanyNDAsI’vesigned
overtheyears.Frankly,theyaren’tabigdeal—aslongasyoutakethemseriously.
Becauseifyoudon’t,andifyougetcaughtbreakingtheNDA,Icanguaranteeyouthat
you’llbesued.Worse,whenitcomestothisbusiness,yourcareerlikelywillbeover.”
“I’malreadynotlikingthis,”Isaid.“I’veworkedmyassofftogettowhereIamtoday.
Youknowthat,Harper.”
“Idoknowthat,andtrustme,I’vetakenseveraldaystoconsiderwhethertoevenbring
thistoyourattention.Butintheend,Icametotheconclusionthatthiswillbeamajorwin
foryou—professionallyandfinancially.Becauseiftheydoagreetogowithyou,you’llbe
paidhandsomely.”
“Howhandsomely?”
Hereyessparkledatme.
“Tenmilliondollarsforeightmonths’work,”shesaid.
Achillrandownmyspine.
“Harper,don’tplayme,”Isaid.“YouknowIdon’thavemuchmoney.Youknowthat
kindofmoneywouldchangemylife.”
“I’mnotplayingyou,Sienna—andyes,tenmilliondollarswouldchangeyourlife.And
Iwantthatforyou.Whatyoushouldalsoknowisthattheiropeningoffertomewastwo
milliondollars.Igotthemtocomeuptoten,becausethere’sagoddamnedgoodreason
youshouldbepaidthatmuchwhenitcomestothisjob.”
“Whatjob?Harper,youhavetogivemesomething—comeon!”
“Here’swhatIcantellyou,”shesaidafterglancingatherwatch.“Intenminutes,we’ll
leaveforameetingwiththeactionstarItoldyouaboutearlier…andalsohismiserable
bitchofanagent.Whatyouneedtoknowisthatiftheywantyouforthejob—andifyou
takeit—yourprivatelifeasyouknowitnowwillofficiallybedead.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Thatyoucansendityourcondolences.Androses—white,neverred.”
“Wouldyoupleasejustbestraightwithme?”
Sheswungherheelsoffherdeskandleanedtowardme.“You’llbetargetedbythe
paparazzi.Theywillhuntyou.Theywillstalkyou.Andtheywillplaceyoufirmlyinthe
publiceye.Whatconcernsmeisthatyouhaven’texperiencedthatkindoffameyet,andit
canbedaunting,sometimescrippling.Butafterallouryearstogether,Iknowyou,Sienna.
AndIbelieveyouaretoughenoughtoseethisthroughtotheend.Aswetendtobuilding
yourcareer,Iseenoquickerormorepowerfulwayofdoingsothanwhat’sabouttobe
proposedtoyou.Becauseifyou’rechosenforthejob,andifyouagreetodowhat’sasked
ofyou,youwillindeedbecomeHollywood’snewItGirl.Youjustneedtounderstandthat
intheprocess,youwillbeforfeitingyourprivacy,andyourlifewillbelivedoutinthe
tabloidsforeightstraightmonths—andlikelyamonthorsoafterthat,whenallissaidand
done.”
“Afterwhatissaidanddone?”
“AreyouwillingtosignthatNDA?”sheaskedme.
“Tofindoutwhatthisisabout?OfcourseIam.”
Satisfied,shestood.“Then,let’sgo,”shesaidasshesmootheddownherdressand
camearoundthetabletoofferherhandstome.Whenshedid,Itookthemandstoodin
frontofher.“SigningtheNDAdoesn’tcommityoutoanythingmorethansilence.Ifthey
sensethekindofchemistrythey’relookingforanddowanttosignyou,youcanstillwalk
awayfromthisifitdoesn’tfeellikeagoodfitforyou.”
“So,thisisaboutchemistry?”
“Oh,mylove,it’sallaboutchemistry,”Harpersaid.“Thiswholethingisabout
chemistry.”
“NowI’mreallyintrigued.”
“Intrigued,”Harpersaidalmostwhimsicallyaswemovedtowardthedoor.“Actually,
yourmindisabouttobeblown.So,doyourbesttokeepthisinmindbeforewegointo
thatmeeting:betheexcellentactressyou’vebecome,maintainapokerfacethroughoutall
ofit,anddon’tyoudareletanysurpriseoremotionshowuntilyouandIarealoneagain.
Gotit?”
“Gotit,”Isaid.
“Good,”shesaid.“Now,followme…”
CHAPTERTWO
“So,”Harpersaidaswetookthestairsfromthetwentiethfloordowntothenineteenth.
“Here’ssomethingelseIprobablyshouldtellyou,eventhoughapartofmewantstodie
insidethatIevenhaveto.”
“What’sthat?”Iasked.
“Theactorinquestionhappenstobereppedbyaformerloverofmine—Mimi
Kennedy.”
“MimiKennedy?”Iechoed.“Youtwowereacouple?We’vebeentogetherforeight
years,andyou’rejusttellingmethisnow?MyGod—she’salmostasbigasyouare.”
“Almost,butnotquite,solet’snotoverdoit.Becausewhenitcomestothatone,Iwill
alwayshavetheedgeoverher.”
“Howlongwereyoutogether?”
“Idon’tknow—fouryears?Somethinglikethat.”
“That’salongtime.”
“Trustme,towardtheend…itfeltlikealifetime.Andthenanotherlifetime.Andthen
anotherontopofthat.”
“Howlongsinceyoubrokeitoff?”
“Nineyears,whichislikelywhyInevermentionedittoyou.Letthepastbethepast,I
say.”
“Areyouonbadterms?”
Harpershrugged.“Atthispoint?Notreally.Forthemostpart,sheandItryourbestto
keepthingsprofessionalbetweenus.Butsincewe’rebothfiercelycompetitive—whichis
whatdroveusapartintheend—youmightcatchustossingafewzingersatoneanother,
whichisparforthecoursewhenitcomestous.Sometimesitcangetpersonal,butforthe
mostpart,wedon’tallowittogotoofar.Thatsaid,ifjabsaretaken,tryyourbestto
overlookthem.”
“Gotit.”
“Ordodgethem.”
“Gotthat,too.”
Whenwesteppedoutontothenineteenthfloor,wewalkeddownabusyhallway
thrummingwithahostofslim,sleek,well-heeledpeoplestridingthiswayandthat.Atthe
endofthehall,wehookedaright,andHarpergreetedaprettyyoungwomanseated
behindalargedesk.
“Andrea,”shesaid,“sogoodtoseeyou.PleasemeetSiennaJones.”
“It’sapleasure,”Andreasaid,lookingupatmeasweshookhands.“Ilovedyouin
Lion.Youwereamazinginit,Sienna.AndhugecongratsonyourwinatCannes.That
musthavebeensoexcitingforyou.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid,abittakenabackbyherenthusiasmbutgratefulforitjustthe
same.“Itwasunexpected,that’sforsure.”
“IsMimireadyforus?”Harperaskedinaboredtone.
“Sheis,”Andreasaid.“LetmegiveheraquickcalltoletherknowyouandSiennaare
here.”
“Mimiisbigonannouncements,”Harpersaidtomewitharollofhereyes.“It’sall
aboutshowbizwhenitcomestothatone.”
WhenAndreahadmadethecall,shestood,showedustoatall,mahogany-paneled
door,andswungitopen.Harperwentinfirst.Ifollowed.
“Mimi!”Harpersaidasthedoorclickedshutbehindus.“Goodtoseeyou.Trimand
terrificasalways.”
“Asareyou,Harper—alwayssoonpoint,”saidtheraven-hairedbeautywhostood
beforeus.MimiKennedywaswearingablackpowersuit,straighthairthatfelljusttoher
shouldersinabriskcut,andaboldredlip.Icouldn’ttellifshewasyoungerorolderthan
Harper,butafteraswiftassessment,Ihadafeelingtheywereclosetothesameage.And
thatherpresencewasjustasformidableasHarper’s.
“Siennahasagreedtotheterms,”Harpersaid.“She’llsigntheNDA.”
“Smartgirl,”Mimisaidasshecameovertoshakemyhand.“It’snicetomeetyou,
Sienna.”
“It’snicetomeetyou,Mimi,”Isaid.
“Welldoneonyourbigwin,”shesaidtome.“IlovedyourperformanceinLion.Itwas
asperfectasitwasprofound.Don’tbesurprisedifyouseeanAcademyAward
nominationcomingyourway.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Butthat’sprobablyalongshot.”
“Idisagree,”cameadeepmalevoicetomyleft.“Youwerebrilliantinthatmovie,
Sienna.Bothyouanditwonforareason.IthinkMimimightberight.You’regoingtoget
anomination.Wethinkyou’reabouttobecomethenextbigthing.”
Iturnedtoseewhoitwas—andforthelifeofme,Icouldn’tbelievewhoitwas.Itwas
fuckingJacksonCruise,andhewasseatedinthemiddleoftheroomononeoftwosofas
thatfacedeachother.Whenheblisteredmewiththatfamous,sexysmileofhis—theone
withtheirresistibledimplesdenteddeepintohischeeks,whichhadwonwomen’shearts
allaroundtheglobeforyears,includingmine—Ifeltasifmybodywasbeingliftedoff
theground.Thismeetinghadtodowithhim?Seriously?Iwasheretoauditionforoneof
thehottest-lookingandmostsuccessfulmeninthebusiness?
God,helpme.
Keepyourcool.Bepolite.Wearyourpokerface.
“Thankyou,Mr.Cruise,”Isaid.
“It’sJackson,”hesaidashestood.“Andit’snicetomeetyou,Sienna.You’reeven
morebeautifulinperson.”
Andyouseriouslyarebetterlookinginperson,Ithoughtashestrodetowardme.He
waswearingtight,fadedjeansandawhiteT-shirtthatdidnothingtoconcealhismuscular
frame,andhisdarkhairgleamedintheoffice’snaturallighting.Whenheheldouthis
handtome,Inotedtheexpensive-lookingsilverwatchonhiswristandfeltthe
smoothnessofhisskinasweshookhands.
“I’msuchafan,”Isaidtohim.“It’sanhonortomeetyou.”
“Likewise,”hesaid.“Considermeanewfanofyours,Sienna.”
Howcanthisbehappening?AmIreallyhererightnow?Howcanitpossiblybethat
I ’m abouttohaveanauditionwithJacksonCruise?Andwhyallthesecrecy?Whythe
NDA?What ’s abouttotranspirehere?
“Sienna,JacksonandIarethrilledthatyouagreedtocometoday,”Mimisaid.“And
we’realsogratefulthatyou’veagreedtosigntheNDAsowecanmoveforwardwiththe
realreasonyou’reheretoday.I’mafraidweputHarperinadifficultplace,becauseI
knowshewasunabletoanswerthemanyquestionsyoulikelyhadforherbeforearriving
here.Thatmusthavebeenfrustratingforeachofyou,andIwanttopersonallyapologize
foranyduressitmighthavecausedyou.”
“Thanksamillion,Mimi,”Harpersaidasshelookedathernails.“Iappreciatethe
sentiment.”
“I’msureyoudo,Harper.”
Inresponse,Harpersimplyblewherakiss.
“Sienna,”Mimisaid.“Ifyou’dcomeovertomydeskandsigntheNDA,wecan
begin.”
WhenIwalkedovertoherdeskandsawhowthickthedocumentwas,Ilookedblankly
atHarper.“Thismighttakeawhileformetoread,”Isaid.
“Read?”Mimisaid.“Ijustneedyoursignature,dear.”
“She’snewtothis,Mimi.Allowmetowalkherthroughit.”
“Ofcourse…”
“It’sallaboveboard,”Harpersaidtomeassheflippedthroughthedocument,quickly
skimmingeachpage.“ThisisthestandardNDAdocumentCAAuses,andit’sexactly
whatIsignedtobringusalltogethertoday.Allyouneedtoknow,Sienna,isthatafteryou
signit,everythingthat’sabouttobesaidinthisroomstaysinthisroom.Andwhetheror
notyoulandthejobinquestion,youmustneverspeakaboutwhatissaidheretoday.If
youdo,youlikelywillbesued.Doyouagreetothoseterms?”
“Ido,”Isaid.
“Then,sign.”ShelookedupatMimiandsnappedherfingersather.“Apenwould
help,Mimi.”
“Right,right,”MimisaidasshereachedforonenexttoherMacBookPro.“Here,
Sienna.Usethis.”Shehandedmeapen,tookthedocumentfromHarper,andpointedout
thethreeseparateplaceswhereIneededtosignanddate,whichIdid.
“Thisisnowofficiallybinding,”Mimisaidtome.“Congratulations.Now,thefourof
uscantalkfreely.Quelsoulagement!”
ItrustedHarpertomycore,butfranklyallthissoundedkindofsketchytome.Whydid
IneedtosignthatdocumentjusttospeakfreelyinfrontofJacksonCruise?
“Wecan,”IsaidtoherwithasmileIdidn’tfeel.
“Good,”shesaid.“Andthankgoodness!Becausethisisofficiallybehindusnow,isn’t
it,Jackson?”
“Itis,”hesaidquietly.
ShemotionedtoHarper.
“HowaboutifSiennaandJacksonsitonthatcouchandyouandIsitoppositethemon
thatcouch?”
“Worksforme,Mimi.Thisisyourshowtorun,so…youknow—runit.”
Afterwetookourseats,Mimiclockedmewithaglance.
“Sienna,doyoufollowthegossiprags?”sheasked.
“Sometimes,”Isaid,lookingoveratJackson,whoappearedweirdlyuncomfortableto
merightnow.“Butnotforthepastcoupleofweeks.ItwasonlylatelastnightthatI
returnedhomefromCannes.Itwassocrazythere.I’vebeenoutoftheloop.”
“Then…youhaven’treadorheardanythingunusualaboutJacksonrecently?”
“No,”Isaid.“ShouldIhave?”Iturnedtohim.“I’msorryifImissedsomethingbig.
It’sprobablyaboutamajordealyou’vesigned,right?Ishouldhavebeenpayingcloser
attention.”
“Yeah,”hesaidwistfully.“Ifonlyifitwereaboutthat,Sienna.”
Confused,IshotHarperandMimiafewglances.“I’mafraidIdon’tunderstand.”
“Thisisratherdelicate,”Mimisaid.
AndthenafrustratedJacksonCruiselookeddirectlyatme.“Actually,itisn’t,”hesaid.
“I’mgay,Sienna.Lastweek,theNationalEnquirerphotographedmekissinganother
man.It’salloverthenews,andmycareerisabouttogointotheshitterbecauseofit.”
“NotifIcanhelpit,”Mimisaid.“BecauseyouandIhaveaplan.”
JacksonCruiseisgay?Ithoughtincredulously.Seriously?I ’ve beensurroundedby
gaymalemodels,actors,andmyowngayfriendsforyears.Everyoneknowsmygaydaris
legendary,andyetIsomehowmissedthis?Howisthatevenpossible?NeveroncewouldI
havepeggedJacksonCruiseasagayman.I ’ve lustedafterhimforyears,forGod ’s
sake,ashaseveryotherstraightwomanintheworld.
WhenIlookedathim,Isawvulnerabilityinhiseyes—andIfeltforhim.Withthisout
inthemediarightnow,Icouldonlyimaginethehellhewasgoingthrough—particularly
sincethepublicandhisfansviewedhimasthisbig,butchactionstar.Inmyopinion,he
stillwas,butstereotypescouldaffectthatperception,whichalsocouldaffecthiscareer.
Andso,withoutthinking,Iinstinctivelyreachedoverandgraspedhishand.Atfirst,he
seemedsurprisedbytheact,butwhenoureyesmet,Iknewheonlysawmycompassion
forthesituationhewasinandnotjudgment—whichislikelywhyIfelthimrelaxwhenhe
squeezedmyhandinreturn.
“I’msorry,”Isaidtohim.
“It’smyfault,”hesaid.“EventhoughIwasgettingonmyownprivateplanewhenthe
photographsweretaken,IshouldhaveknownbetterthantokissthisguyI’vebeenseeing
overthepastseveralmonthswhenhegreetedmeonthetarmac.Ishouldhavewaiteduntil
wewereinsidetheplane,whereitwouldhavebeenprivate.ButIwassocaughtupinthe
moment,itfeltrighttokisshimthere.AndwhenIdid?Ifuckedupbigtime,becausethe
photographsdon’tlie,andI’mabouttoloseeverythingI’vebuiltformyselfoverthepast
thirteenyears.Themediaistryingtotearmedownaswespeak.”
“Butthatdoesn’tmeanthey’llwin,”Mimisaid.“Thephotographsthatweretakenof
youwereshotatsuchagreatdistancethatallofthemareblurry.Ineveryoneofthem,it
couldbeinterpretedthatyouweresimplykissingyourfriendonthecheekbeforeyou
steppedontothatplane.”
Atthat,Jacksongroaned.
“Anyway,allofthisiswhySiennaishere,”Mimisaidquickly.“We’vetalkedabout
this,Jackson.Youaren’tthefirstactortofacethiskindofcrisis.Itcanbemanaged.
We’vediscussedhowthesystemhandledRockHudsonbackintheday—andhowwellit
workednotonlyforhimbutalsoforthelikesofJamesDean,TabHunter,and
MontgomeryClift.AndjustlookattherumorsthathavelongbeleagueredHughJackman
andJohnTravolta,forGod’ssake.Travolta’scareermightbeonlifesupportbecausehe
justkeepsgettingstrangerandcreepier,butJackman’scareeristhrivingdespitethe
speculationsurroundinghissexuality.”
“HughJackmandoesn’thaveaphotographofhimkissingthemanwhopilotshis
privateplane,Mimi,”Jacksonsaid.“Hejusthasanolderwifeandsingsanddancesin
Broadwayshows,whichpeoplecan’twraptheirheadsaroundsincehe’sbestknownfor
playingWolverine.”
Itwasslowlydawningonmewherethiswasleading…
“Allright,”Mimisaidtentatively.“Wouldyoupreferifwejustcuttothechase?”
“Iwould.Idon’twanttowasteSienna’stimeanymorethanIwanttowastemyown.”
“That’sfine,”Mimisaid.“AndIagree.Nowlook—HarperandIjustsawhowSienna
reachedouttoyou.Wewitnessedyourconnection,especiallywhenyourespondedtoher
touch.Itwasreal,anditwashonest.Doyouthinkweevenneedtogothroughwithan
auditionatthispoint?”
“Idon’tknow,”hesaid.“Infact,Idon’tknowanythingrightnow.”Helookedoverat
mewhenhesaidthat,andIcouldliterallyfeelhisembarrassment,whichsaddenedme.
Nobodyshouldfeelashamedorbeshamedfortheirsexuality,butJacksonCruiseclearly
feltdifferently.Hewassufferingbecauseofthis.“Sienna,whenyoutookmyhanda
momentago,youwereverykind.Whateverhappensbetweenusgoingforward,Iwantto
thankyouforthat,becauseitmeantsomething.”
“Signeddocumentsornot,yoursecretwillalwaysbesafewithme,Jackson,”Isaid.
“I’msorrythatyou’regoingthroughthis.Idon’tmeanthistosoundtritegiventheworld
welivein,butyoushouldbeallowedtoliveyourlifefreely,notonethatsuitsamold
meanttobesoldtothemasses.Itinfuriatesmethatyouaren’tabletodothat,eventhough
Iunderstandwhyyoudon’twanttorisktheconsequences.Theideathatyoursexualityis
evenanissueinthisdayandageenragesme.I’mangryforyou.So,tellme,Jackson—
whatdoyouneedfrommetoday?There’sareasonI’mhere.”
Beforehecouldspeak,Mimileanedtowardme.
“Whatweneedisadistraction,”shesaid.“Andwe’dlikeitifyouwerethat
distraction.”
“Goon,”Isaid.
“You’reagorgeouswoman,Sienna.You’refreshonthescene,andpeoplearestarting
totalkaboutyou.Andthenthere’sJacksonhimself.Evenbeforethishappenedtohim,he
mentionedtomeinpassingthathelovedyourperformanceinLion.Andthen,justaday
ortwolater,whenthecrisishitandweweretryingtofigureawayoutofthespeculation
surroundinghissexuality,Iremindedhimaboutyou.AndwhatIsuggestedtohimhas
beendonecountlesstimesbeforeinHollywood.”
“Andwhat’sthat?”Iasked,alreadyknowingwhatitwasbutneverthelesswantingto
hearMimisayit.
“Whatwe’reproposingisthatyouenterintoafakerelationshipwithJacksonasof
today.Ifweplaythisright—ifwereallyshowoffyourbuddingromanceinfrontofthe
world’seyes—wethinkeightmonthswillbeenoughtimeforthisnightmaretobebehind
usbeforeyoutwopubliclydecidetogoyourseparateways.Butbeforethathappens,you
mustknowthis:youwillbeseeneverywheretogether—atpopularrestaurants,movie
premieres,parties,andjustoutandaboutonthestreetsofNewYork—especiallysince
Jacksonisabouttostartshootinghisnextmoviehereinthecitytomorrow.Whatwe’re
seekingareplentyofPDAs.”
“What’saPDA?”Iasked.
“Apublicdisplayofaffection,”Harpersaid.
“Exactly,”Mimiagreed.“Weneedthepapstoseeyoutwoholdinghands,kissingeach
other,andlookingintoeachother’seyesasyoufallinlovewithoneanother.Atfirst,
peoplewillspeculate,becausepeopleingeneralarerisiblehumanbeingsripeforthe
sewer.Butgivenyourcombinedactingchops,andbecausethisagreementmeansthatyou
willbeexclusivetoeachotherforthedurationofthecontract,Ibelieveyourrelationship
willlookrealandthatitwilleventuallyshifttheattentionawayfromthoseunfortunate
photosandJackson’struesexuality.Aftereightmonths,eachofyouwillbefreeagainto
seewhomeveryouwant.”
SinceIhadn’tbeenwithanyonesinceI’dendedmyrelationshipwithErictwoyears
ago—whenthatmotherfuckerhadcheatedonme—eightmonthsofforcedcelibacyreally
didn’tbotherme,ifonlybecauseofthedeepscarsErichadleftinhiswake.Ididn’twant
tobeinvolvedwithanyonerightnow,soeightmonthsofbeinginafakerelationship
meantnothingtome,especiallysinceIplannedonseeingnobodyanytimesoon.
“Sienna,”Harpersaid,“what’sinthisforyouisexposure.Beingromanticallylinked
withJacksonCruisewillonlyfunnelmoreinteresttoyou.AsIsaidearlierinmyoffice,
thenextstageofyourcareerisallaboutexposure.TheinterviewsI’lllineupforyouwill
help,aswillsnaggingthecoverofVogue’sSeptemberissue.Butifyoudoagreetodothis,
whichIthinkyoushould,itwillonlyamplifyeverything.Itwilldoamazingthingsfor
yourcareer.”
“Andmine,”Jacksonsaid.“I’mnotgoingtopretendthatitwon’t.”
“Trueenough,”Harpersaid.“So,ifyoutwoagreetothis,MimiandIarealsoin
agreement.Eventhoughyou’llbefakingit,weknowyoucanpullthisoff,becauseeach
ofyouisanexcellentactor.Whatallthiscomesdowntoissimple:Sienna,doyouwantto
dothis?Becauseifyoudon’t,MimiandJacksoncanfindsomebodyelse,andwecanall
partfriends.BeyondtheNDAyousigned,thereisnopressureonyou.Afterall,youhave
yourowncareertotendto.Andallofusinthisroomrespectthat.”
“Wedo,”Mimisaid.
“Isureashelldo,”Jacksonsaid.“BecauseIrememberwhatitwaslikebackwhen
peoplewerefirsttalkingaboutmelikethey’renowtalkingaboutSienna.Itwasthrilling.
Thirteenyearsago,Iwasthenewguyontheblock.Iwasjusteighteenatthetime,andit
wasashitloadoffun.Ihadthetimeofmylifebackthen,andasyouarejustbeing
discovered,Sienna,Idon’twanttorobyouofexperiencingwhatIexperienced.That
wouldn’tberight.Ionlywantyoutodothisifyoufeelit’ssomethingyouwanttodo.
AndImeanthat.”
Hewasn’tactingformenow.AsIlookedhimintheeyes,Iknewinmygutthathe
wasn’t.Becausenoonewasthatgoodanactor.JacksonCruisereallydidcarehowthis
mightaffectme.
AndsoImademydecision.
“I’min,”Isaidtohim.“Youcanstartwooingmenow.”
“Kissher,Jackson,”Mimisaidinearnest.“LetHarperandIjudgeforourselvesifyou
twocanmakeitbelievablebeforeyoutrytosellyourlustandloveforoneanothertothe
world.”
“Jesus,”hesaid.“Mimi,sometimesIthinkyoumissedyourcallingasanactress.”
“I’vealwaysbeentheatrical,”shesaid.“Butyoulovethataboutme.”
Harpercoughedwhenshesaidthatandthensharplyclearedherthroat.
“Youcankissme,”IsaidtoJackson.“Infact,Iwouldn’tmindifyoudid.Youknow…
ifonlytohaveoneofmyfantasiesmet.”
“Yourfantasies?”heasked.“Doesn’tthefactthatI’mgaycrushthat?”
“Notwhenyoulookthewayyoudo,Jackson.”
“Leaninforthekill,”Mimidemanded.
“Areyousure?”heaskedme.
“Justthinkofmeasoneofthehottestmenyou’veeverseen,”Isaid.“Kissmetheway
you’dkisshim.”
WhenIsaidthat,JacksonCruisegavemeamischievoussmile,tookmeintohisarms,
andplantedonemotherofakissonmylips.Hekissedmeinwaysthatweresoheated,
sexy,andyetsomehowtenderthatIfeltmystomachdoalittleflip-flop.I’djustbeen
kissedbyoneofmyidols,andIcouldn’tgiveadamnthathewasgay.
“Thatwashot,”Isaidwhenourlipsparted.
“Really?”hesaid.“Idon’tgetit.”
“Let’sjustputitalldowntotechnique,”Isaid,“becauseyou’vegotthatinspades.”
HelaughedwhenIsaidthat,andinthatmoment,Icouldsensethetensionliftingoff
him,whichmademehappy.Ihatedthathewasbeingsmearedforhissexuality.IfIcould
makeadifferenceforhim,Iwould.
“Look,Jackson,”Isaid.“Ionlyhopethatwhatevermanyoukissedbeforeyouboarded
thatplaneofyoursexperiencedwhatIjustexperienced.Becausethatwassomething.You
seriouslyknowhowtokiss.”
“So,thisisdone?”Mimiasked.“Jackson,doyouwanttoworkwithSienna?”
“Totally.”
“Sienna,you’recertainaboutthis?”Harperasked.
“Iam,”Isaid.“Aslongasyou ’re sure.”
“Iam,”shesaid.“Ithinkthiswillbeagoodmoveforyou.”
Harperhadneverliedtome,sothatwasthat.“Then…let’sdoit,”Isaid.“I’mofficially
herewithmynewbeau.”IlookedatJacksonwhenIsaidthat,andIaddressedhim
seriously.“I’llhaveyourback,”Isaidtohim.“Let’sdoourbesttoturnthisaroundfor
you,OK?Let’sromancethehelloutofeachotherbeforewebreakthingsoff.Whatdo
yousay?”
“ThatI’mgrateful.Andthatyou’reanamazinglykindwoman,Sienna.Notmany
wouldbeatmysideatthispointinmycareer.Don’tthinkIdon’tknowthat,especially
sinceyou’reonthecuspoftakingHollywoodandtheworldbytheballs.”
“We’llfixit,”Isaid.“Becauseafterthatkiss,I’mfairlycertainwecoulddoafewmore
ofthosetoappeasethepaparazzi—andlikelytogetpeopletalking.”IlookedatHarper
andMimi.“DoIneedtosignanythingelsesowecangetthisgoing?”
“Youdo,”HarpersaidassheandMimistood.“Mimihasthecontractdetailingthe
termsofyourfakeeight-monthaffair.”
“Ido,”Mimisaid.“It’sonmydesk—let’sgotoitnow.”
WhileJacksonremainedonthesofa,Harper,Mimi,andIwalkedovertoMimi’sdesk,
wheresheremovedthecontractfromafoldernexttohercomputer.
“Harper,you’vereadthis?”Iasked.
“Aboutadozentimes.”
IhatedtoaskabouthowpaymentwouldbehandledinfrontofJacksonandMimi,but
sincemoneywassotightforme,Ineededtoknowtheanswer.“Whatarethetermsof
payment?”Iasked.“AmIjustlookingatthefullamountattheendoftheeightmonths?”
“No,”shesaid.“Sinceyouwon’tbeabletoworkelsewhereforthedurationofthe
contract,todayyou’llreceivetwohundredandfiftythousanduponsigning,andthen
Jacksonwillpayyoutheremainingproceedsinonelumpsumattheendofthecontract—
providedyou’vesuccessfullycompletedit.”
“Whatdoes‘successfullycompletedit’mean?”Iasked.
“Well,mygoodness,”Mimisaid.“Shecertainlyisthorough,isn’tshe?”
“Assheshouldbe,”Harpersaid.Thenshelookedatme.“Allyouneedtodoisshow
upforyourdailypublicoutingswithJackson,behaveasifyoutwoarefallinginlove,and
remainexclusivetohim.Ifforanyreasonyougetsick,thecontractallowsfortensick
days,withroomformoreifforsomereasonyoubecomeseriouslyill.”
Sheheldupafingerofwarningtome.
“Butifyoumakethemistakeofbreakingexclusivityandgetcaughtseeinganother
manonthesly—whichwouldbreaktheillusionwe’retryingtocreatehere—thenyou
wouldneedtopaybackyoursigningbonusandforfeitthetenmilliondollarsthat’sbeing
offeredtoyou,thecontractwouldend,andyouwouldbeopentoalawsuitshouldJackson
decidetopursueonewithyou.”
SinceIhadzeroplansofseeinganyone,Iwasperfectlyfinewithallthat.ButIstillhad
towonder…
“WhatareJackson’sterms?”Iasked.
“Stricterthanyours,”Harpersaid.“Ifforanyreasonhebreachesthecontractbybeing
caughtwithanotherman,forinstance,thecontractends,andyouwouldreceivethefull
tenmillion,whichwouldbepaidtoyouatonce.”
“Thatseemsmorethanfair,”Isaid.
“Anyotherquestions?”
“No,”Isaid.“AndIpromisethatI’llmeetmyobligations.”
“Iknowyouwill,”Harpersaidtomeinasoftvoice.“Whenhaven’tyou?”
“So…amIgoodtogo?”
ShemotionedtowardthecontractonMimi’sdesk.“Ifyouwantthis,thecontractis
there.Ifyoudon’t,wesimplypartwaysasfriends.”
Isignedthecontract.AndwhenIdid,Ifeltproudofmyself,becauseforme,itwas
morethanjustaboutthemoneyandhowbeinglinkedtoJacksonmightpotentiallyliftmy
career.NowthatIknewIwasbeingtreatedfairlybyMimiandJackson,whatalso
matteredtomewashowJacksonwasbeingtreatedbythepress.Iwasafierceadvocate
fortheLGBTQcommunity,andthatmansittingoverthereonthatsofa—theonewho
hadn’tchallengedanyofthequestionsI’dhadaboutthecontract—heneededmeright
now,andIplannedtocomethroughforhim.
“So,whathappensnext?”Iasked.“Harperisschedulingalotofinterviewsforme.Is
thisgoingtogetinthewayofthem?”
“Notatall,”Harpersaid.“AsMiminoted,Jacksonstartsshootinghisnewmovie,
AnnihilateThem,tomorrowinManhattan.Whilehe’sbusyatwork,I’llscheduleyour
interviewsandphotoshootsinwaysthatwon’tcompetewithhiswork.It’llbeseamless.
I’llmakesureofit,becausetwocareersneedtobepropelledforwardhere—notjustone.”
“They’relikeourmothers,”IsaidtoJacksonashecameoverandwrappedan
appreciativearmaroundmyshoulders.AstallasIwas,heliterallytoweredoverme,
whichwasrareforme.NotmanymenwereastallasJacksonCruise,atleastinmy
experience.
“Theyare,”hesaid.“We’reluckytohavethemonourside,Sienna.”
“Tosaytheleast.”
“Thanksfordoingthis,”hesaid.“Thanksforhelpingmeout.Itmeansalottome.I
needyoutoknowthat,Sienna.”
“Justsweepmeproperlyoffmyfeet,OK?IwanttheworldtothinkthatI’mthe
luckiestgirlintheworld.”
“Willdo.”
IlookedoveratHarper.“Ifwe’restartingthistoday,what’stheplan?”
“Perseistheplan,”Mimisaid.“Youbothwillbediningtherelatertonight.It’sahot
spotforcelebs.Nowthatyou’vesignedthecontract,Sienna,Icangettoworkonleaking
thenewstothepapsthatJacksonwillbeseentherewithyoutonight.”
“Sienna,”Harpersaid.“Youneedtobraceyourselfforthat,becauseeverybitofthisis
designedtomakefront-pagenews.Asearlyaslatertonight,yourdinnerwithJacksonwill
beallovertheweb,Facebook,andTwitter.InthewakeofJackson’scrisis,bepreparedfor
that.”
“You’vegivenmeplentyofwarning,”Isaid.“NowthatIknowwhatthisauditionwas
reallyabout,Igetit.TheattentiononJacksonandmeisabouttogethot—andfast.That’s
goingtobenewforme,butIpromiseeveryoneinthisroomthatI’lldomyverybestto
adjusttoitasquicklyasIcan.”IlookedupatJackson.“So,whatdoyousay,Jackson?Do
youthinkIhavewhatittakestocatchyoureye?”
“AslongasIthinkofyouasahotcowboy,”hejoked.
“Thenthat’swhatIam,”Isaidwithalaugh.“Ahotcowboywithabulgebigenoughto
shutdownabusstop.Whattimeisdinner?”
“Eight,”Mimisaid.“Jacksonwillpickyouupatyourapartmentatseventhirty.Turn
yourselfintoasiren,Sienna,becausewiththesheernumberofphotographsthatwillbe
takenofeachofyou,you’llwanttolookyourverybestinanefforttoassistyourown
career.”
“Mimi’sright,”Harpersaid.“Butthere’salsothis:tonight,questionswillbehurledat
eachofyou,andwhentheyare,Isuggestthateachofyousaynothing.Don’tgivethema
word.Instead,whenyoustepoutofthelimousine,justmakesurethatyou’reholding
handsasyoumakeyourwaytowardthedoors.Letyourchemistryspeakforitself.”
“Couldn’thavesaiditbetter,”Mimisaid,placingherhandonHarper’sshoulder.“And
justlookathowwellweworkedtogethertoday!HowcoulditbethatyouandIeverbroke
apart?”
“Tobediscussedasin…never,”Harpersaid.
“Andthereyougoagain,”Mimisaid.“Offyourmeds,asusual.”
“Mimi,wouldyoucallAustin?”Jacksonsaid.“NooffensetoSienna,butI’mfeeling
kindofstressedoutaboutallthis.Hittingthegymbeforetonightwouldhelp.”
“Ofcourse,”shesaid,pickingupherphoneandhittingabutton.“Audrey,wouldyou
pleaseaskAustintocomein?Yes?Thankyou,darling.”
“Who’sAustin?”Iasked.
“HisnameisAustinBlack,”Jacksonsaid.“Heleadsmysecuritydetail.Andbecauseof
that,heknowseverythingthereistoknowaboutme—sometimesalittlemorethanhe
shouldknow.We’veworkedtogetherforyears.Atthispoint,he’skindoflikeabrotherto
me.”
Therewasaraponthedoor,andMimicalledoutforAustintocomein.Whenthedoor
swungopen,itwasliterallyfilledwithoneofthetallest,mostmuscular,andmost
handsomemanI’deverseen.
Oh,myGod,IthoughtasIsoakedhimin.And … hello.Howareyou,Austin?
“Austin,”Mimisaid,“comeandmeetSiennaJones.Sienna,thisisAustinBlack.”
Ashestrodetowardmeinhisfittedgraysuit,whichstrainedtocontainjusthowrock
solidandmuscularhewas—andspectacularlyfailedtodoso—Icouldfeelarawsenseof
confidenceinhim.AshotasJacksonwas,Austinwaswayhotter.Withhiscoal-black
hair,chiseledface,fulllips,andpiercingblueeyes,AustinBlackwastheoneinthisroom
whoshouldhavebeentheA-listactionstar,notJackson.
“Pleasuretomeetyou,Sienna,”hesaidashishandengulfedmine.
“It’svicetomeetyou,Austin.”
“Vice?”Harperrepeated.
“Sorry?”
“Youjustsaid,‘vicetomeetyou,’Sienna.”
“IsthatwhatIsaid?”
Sheliftedabrowatme.“Infact,itis…”
“Well,”Isaid.“Slipofthetongue.Superbusyday!Allsortsofthingshappeningat
once!It’snicetomeetyou,Austin.AndImeanthat.It’sreallynicetomeetyou.”
“Thepleasureismine,Sienna.”
Couldhisvoicebeanydeeper?
Isawhimglancedownathishand,whichIwasstillshaking.
Oh,girl,youneedtogetyourselftogether —as innow.
IreleasedhishandandthoughtIcaughtamusementinhiseyesbeforeheturnedto
Jackson.“What’sup?”heasked.
“Ineedtohitthegym.”
“Wantmetojoinyou?”
“Ifyou’reupforit,”hesaid.HenoddedatmejustasIcaughtAustin’sgazeroaming
overme.“SheandIareabouttofallinlove,”Jacksonsaid.“Andbecauseofthat,Ineed
youtospotme,becausetonight…tonightIneedtolookmybestforher.AndIplanto.
Whenitcomestomylife,shitchangesnow.”
CHAPTERTHREE
AfterMimitoldmethatAudreywoulddelivermyfirstchecktoHarperbytheendofthe
day,HarperandIthankedher,andwetookthestairstoHarper’soffice—andIcouldn’t
helpbutpepperherwithquestions.
“Firstofall,tellmethatAustin’sstraight,”Isaid.
“He’sstraight,”shesaid.“Andlookingthewayhedoes,I’msurehe’senjoyedhisfair
shareofwomen—justasI’msurethatyouhaveajobtofocusonrightnow.Isawwhat
happenedbackthere.I’veseenthatlookinyoureyesbefore.Thelastthingweneedisfor
youtobecomedistractedbytheheadofJackson’ssecuritydetailwhenyou’vejustsigned
acontracttobeexclusivetoJacksonhimself.”
“IunderstandwhatIsigned,butagirlcanstilllook,”Isaid.“Butcomeon—didyou
evenseehimbackthere?”
“JustbecauseI’maturbochargedlesbiandoesn’tmeanIdon’tgetwhyyou’rewetting
yourpantsoverhimrightnow.Obviously,he’sgorgeous.Andalsooff-limitstoyou.”
“Justforcuriosity’ssake,doeshehaveagirlfriendorsomething?Awife?Ididn’tseea
ringonhisfinger.Andtrustme—Ichecked.”
Westartedtowalkdownthehalltowardheroffice.
“Austinissingle,andyou’vejustenteredintoafakerelationshipwithoneofthe
world’smostsought-aftermen.Isuggestyoustartactingthepart.”
“Look,mylittlecrushisjustbetweenus,”Isaidinalowvoiceaswepassedaseaof
smilingfaces.Ismiledcheerfullybackatthem,suddenlyfeelinglight-headedandfluttery
inside.“Itellyoueverything.”
“It’s‘vice’thatyoudo.”Sheopenedthedoortoherofficeandmotionedformetostep
inside.“I’daskyoutohaveaseat,butIdon’thaveanyplasticwraptokeepthecushions
dry.”
“Givemeabreak,”Isaid,takingtheseatoppositeherdesk.
ShelookedatmewhenIsatdownandthenletoutonemotherofalong-assedsigh.
“Whatthehell,”sheremarked.“Itwastimetohavethefurnituresteamcleaned,anyway.”
“Hilarious,”Isaid.“So,what’shisstory?Strong,silenttype?Aromanticatheart?I
needdetails.”
“Whatyouneedistohaveyourovariesyanked,becauseclearlytherearewaytoomany
hormonesfloodingthroughyoursystemrightnow.Listentome,Sienna.Ifyouwant,you
cantrytotapAustinBlackeightmonthsfromnow.Youknow,whenyou’reoutofyour
contractwithJacksonandcanfocusonsomeonenew.Butrightnow,youneedtolistento
me,becauseI’mveryseriouswhenitcomestothedealyousignedtoday.Yes,Austinisa
good-lookingman,butyouneedtogethimoutofyourhead.Youhaveajobtodo,andI
expectyoutodoitwell.Doyouevenrealizethatyoustammeredwhenyoumethim?”
“IknowIdid,”Isaidinembarrassment.“Itwashumiliating.Doyouthinkanyoneelse
noticed?”
“Everyonenoticed.Imean,youliterallyturnedredwhenAustinshookyourhand.And
thenyouweresuddenlyspeakingintongues.Itwasbeyondapparentthatyouwere
attractedtohim.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Itwon’thappenagain.”
“Look,what’sdoneisdone,”shesaid.“Justforgetabouthimfornow.YouandJackson
bothneedtogetintocharactertonight.IfJacksonthinksyou’rethinkingaboutAustin,
that’sjustgoingtothrowhimoffhisgame.Hedeservesbetterthanthat.”
“Gotit,”Isaid.
“Good.Now,whatdoyouthinkyou’llweartonight?”
“GodknowsIhaveaclosetfullofclothesthankstothekindnessofdesigners.Whatdo
youthinkwouldbeappropriate?”
“Somethingsexy,on-trend,andblack.”
“WhenImodeledforCarolinaHerreralastfallforherspringcollection,sheknewI
wassosmittenwiththesleevelessblackcocktaildressIworeforherthatshegaveitto
me.”
“Iknowexactlytheoneyou’rereferringto—anditisperfect.Wearthat,coupleitwith
somehighheels,andstyleyourhairdowninloosewaves.Italwayslooksbestthatway.
Thenpaintyourface,andyou’regood.”
“I’lldothat,”Isaid.“AndIwon’tdisappointyou.”
“Actually,thepersonyoureallydon’twanttodisappointisyou,Sienna,becauseyou
arefinallyonthecuspofrealstardom.IfyouplaythisrightwithJackson—andwhen
solidrolesstarttocomeyourway,whichtheywill—IdoseeyouhittingtheA-list.Imean
that,becauseyou’rethatgood.Butyou’llonlygetthereifyouremainfocused.”
“Iwill,”Isaid.
Shecheckedherwatch.“Offyougo,then,”shesaid.“It’salreadypastthree,which
meansyouonlyhaveafewhourstogethomeandgetyourselfreadyfortheevening.
Shinetonight,”sheadded.“MaketheworldbelieveinyouandJackson.”
“Icandothat,”Isaid.“Imean,Jacksonisn’texactlyhardontheeyes,Harper.”
“Exactly,”shesaid.“Now,goanddoit.Makemeproud.We’lltouchbaseinthe
morning.”
I’dalreadystooduptoleavewhenHarperstoppedmewithalook.
“And…Sienna,”shesaid,“asRuPaulwouldsay,don’tfuckitup.”
***
Duetoheavytraffic,itwasagoodthirtyminutesbeforeIscrambledoutofmyreturncab
infrontofmyone-bedroomapartmentonWestTwenty-SecondStreet—whichwasrent-
controlledandtheonlyreasonI’dbeenabletoliveinChelseasinceI’dfirstarrivedinthe
city.AfterIclimbedthethreesetsofstairstomyapartment,whichwasswelteringinthe
Juneheat,Iswitchedontheair-conditioningassoonasIsteppedinside—andgottowork.
Insidemywardrobe,IfoundthedressI’dmentionedearliertoHarper,whichwasstill
fresh,neatlypressed,andreadytowearinitsdry-cleaningbag.Tocomplementit,Ichose
akillerpairofJimmyChooMaryJaneleatherpumpsinblackwithafour-inchheeland
twostrapswithtiesthatwouldwraparoundmyanklesandlowercalves.Andeventhough
Jacksonwouldneverseethem,Ichoseaprettylacebraandpanties—eachinblack.
Astimepassed,itpassedquickly—tooquickly.
Iworkedonmyface,whichmeantbeatingitwithawholehostofcreams,exfoliators,
andpotentelixirsbeforeItookashowerandtriedtorelax,whichdidn’thappen.
Iwassonervousabouthowthingswouldgotonightthattheonlythingthatcouldhave
relaxedmewasamartini,butsinceIneededtofocus,Ichosetoforgohavingone.Instead,
Iendedtheshowerwithablastoffreezingcoldwater,whichIstoodbeneathuntilI
couldn’tstanditanymore.
AfterI’dtoweledoff,Iputonmyrobeandcheckedmyporesinthemirror.Thecold
water,exfoliator,creams,andelixirshaddonetheirtrick,becausemyskinlookedtight
andbright.Withtimerunningagainstme,Iblewoutmyhair,whichnaturallydriedinsoft
waves,andthenIdidmymakeup,thelotofwhichtookmeoveranhourbeforeIcould
evenstarttogetdressed.
You ’re goingtobelate!IpanickedwhenIlookedattheclockonmybedsidetable.
You ’ve onlygotfiveminutesleftbeforeJacksonarrives —move it!
ButIdidn’tmovefastenough,becauseIhadjustzippedupmydresswhenmybuzzer
rang.
Jacksonwashere.
Shit,IthoughtasIhurriedintothefoyerandbuzzedhimthrough.Idon ’t evenhave
myshoesonyet!
Momentslater,whentheinevitableknockcameatmydoor,Iwasstillstrugglingto
laceupmyheels.Ihadnochoicebuttogiveuponthem.Jacksonwouldhavetohelpme
intothem,becausethestrapsweremoredifficulttobucklethanI’dremembered.
“Coming!”IcalledasIhurriedoutofthebedroomandintothefoyer.Unlockingmy
door,Iswungitopen.
TherestoodAustinBlack.
“Oh,”Isaidinsurprise.“Ithoughtyou’dbeJackson.”
“He’swaitingforyouinthelimousine,”Austinsaid,“whichisdouble-parked.Weneed
toleavenow.”
He’dsincechangedintoablacksuitandtie.Thesexyhazeofafive-o’clockshadow
gracedhisface,andheworehisthickblackhairpartedontheside,rakedawayfromhis
face.Helookedmorehandsomenowthanhehadwhenwe’dfirstmet.Earlier,he’d
workedoutwithJackson,anditshowed.Hischestinparticularlookedmassivetome.
AndthenIrealizedIwasstaringatit.
“Myshoes,”IsaidasIshotbackintomyself.“Thebucklesareabitch.I’mreadytogo,
butIcan’tseemtogetintothem.”
“MayIcomein?”
“Whatfor?”
“Tohelpyouintoyourshoes,Sienna.”
“Youwanttohelpmeintomyshoes?”
“Weneedtogetoutofhere.Letmehelp.”
“You’realifesaver,”Isaid,tryingnottothinkofhishandsonmyfeet.“Thankyou.”
“Noproblem,”hesaidashesteppedinside.“Wherearetheshoesinquestion?”
“Inmybedroom,”Isaid.“Andpleasedon’tjudgemewhenyouseeit,Austin.Today
hasbeensoinsanethatmybedroomisamess.”
Helookedpatientlyatme.“I’mnotheretojudgeyou,Sienna,butIamheregoingto
getyoutoPerSeontime.Wecan’taffordtokeepthepresswaiting,becausethey’llleave
iftheythinkJacksonisn’tcoming.So,letmehelpyouintoyourshoes.”Hepausedfora
momentandlookeddirectlyatme.“Becauseshoesarekindofmything.”
Becauseshoesarekindofyourthing?IthoughtasIlookedathim.Whatdoesthat
mean?Areyouamasteratputtingshoesonwomen,Austin?Andifthat ’s thecase,how
manyshoeshaveyoutiedanduntied?Howmanyshoeshaveyouhadwrappedaround
thatthickneckofyours?Howmanyshoeshaveyoulickedandtastedbeforeyouripped
themoffinafeverishblaze?
Doesn ’t matter.Beprofessional.Getonwithit.
“They’rejustinhere,”IsaidasIturnedandstartedtowalktowardmybedroom.“I’ve
onlywornthemonce,andnowIrememberwhy.They’rehelltogetinto.”
“Icantakecareofthat,”hesaid,followingme.
Iliterallycanfeelhimatmyback.AndIliterallycan ’t handleit!
“Heretheyare,”Isaid,sittingontheedgeofmybed.“Ilovethembecausethey’re
sexy,butit’slikebondagewhenitcomestoputtingthemon.”
“Likebondage?”heaskedashekneeledinfrontofme.“Isthatit?”
“Infact,itisit,”Isaid.“Imean,justlookatthem.Lookatallthosebucklesandstraps.
Whointheirrightmindcouldevernavigatethem?”
“Ican,”hesaidwithauthority.“Holdoutyourrightfootforme.”
Idid,andwhenIdid,hishandstouchedmyheel,whichsentajoltofdesirethrough
me.
Whatisitabouthim?Ithought.WhyamIbehavinglikethis?Ineverbehavelikethis.
Thiscityisfilledwithhotmen.EversinceIleftEric,I ’ve wantednothingtodowithmen.
So,whyamIsoattractedtohim?Itmakesnosense.
“You’retense,”hesaid.
“Andforgoodreason.JustlookatwhatI’mabouttowalkinto—thepress,flashing
cameras,peopleshoutingquestionsatJacksonandme.Austin,thisisallverynewtome.
AndI’mnotgoingtolietoyou.I’mprettystressedoutrightnow.”
“Howaboutifyoutakeadeepbreath,”hesaidashegentlymassagedmyfoot.“Tryto
relax.BecauseI’vebeentoldthatforthenexteightmonths,I’mnotonlyhereforJackson,
Sienna.I’malsohereforyou.”
“Idon’tknowwhatthatmeans,”Isaid.
Helookedupatmewithaglimmerinhiseyes.“I’malsoheretoprotectyou.So,how
aboutifyoujustleanbackabitandletmereleasesomeofthetensionyou’refeeling?
ThenIhaveagoodfeelingtheshoeswon’tbeanissue.”
Ashemassagedmyfeetandkneadedtheminwaysthatwereundeniablyerotic,soon
myshoeswereon,buckled,andfastened.
“You’reagenius,”IsaidtohimasIkickedoutmylegsandadmiredmyshoes.“Thank
you.”
“Thepleasurewasmine,Sienna.”
Actually,itwasmine.
Ipoppedoffmybed.
“HowdoIlook?”Iaskedbeforeweleft.
“Youlooknice,”hesaid.
“Just‘nice’?Iwashopingfor‘hot,’becauseHarpertoldmeIneededtolookhot
tonight.”
Amomentpassedbeforeheseemedtocometoadecision.
“Youlookbeautiful,Sienna.Andyes,youalsolookhot.Youaresomeoneanyman
wouldwanttobewithtonight.”
Whenhesaidthat,Iwasawareofhiseyesglancingovermybodybeforehechecked
himself.Andwhenhedid,thedesireI’dseenamomentagowasquicklysweptaway.
“We’vebeentoolong,”hesaid.“Weneedtoleave.WeneedtogetyouandJacksontoPer
Sebeforeit’stoolate.”
CHAPTERFOUR
“Howareyou?”IaskedJacksonafterAustinopenedmydoorandI’dslidinnextto
Jacksononthelimo’sbackseat.ThesunmighthavesetbehindtheManhattanskyline,but
itwasstilllightout.“Youcertainlylookhandsome.Iloveyournavysuit.Itbringsoutthe
blueinyoureyes.”
“Sienna,you’realmosttenminuteslate,”hesaidtome.“Whatheldyouup?Mimihas
leakedtothepressthatwe’llbearrivingatPerSeateight.Ifwearen’tthereontime—and
ifthepapshaveleftbythetimewegetthere—I’mlayingthatonyou.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid,startledbyhisangrytone.“Ihadtroublegettingintomyshoes.”
“Whatgrownwomanhastroublegettingintoherownshoes?”
“Someonewhochoosestowearsomethinglikethese,”Isaid,liftingupmyshoesfor
himtosee.“They’recomplicatedtogetinto,butIthoughttheywererightfortonight.Do
youlikethem?”
“They’refine,”hesaiddismissively.
“Jackson,”Austinsaid,“we’llgetthereontime.”
“Ihopeso,”hesaid,“becauseatleastyouunderstandhowimportanttonightistome.”
“Don’tworryaboutit,”Austinsaid.“IfIhavetobustafewlights,Iwill.”
“Allright,”Jacksonsaid.“Thanksforhavingmyback.”
WasJacksonCruiseadivaindisguise?Hecertainlywasbehavinglikeone.Gonewas
thewarmandwelcomingpersonI’dmetjusthoursago.Inhissteadwassomeonewho
hadgonetoadarkerplaceandwhowasbeingsocoldtomenowthatIalmostasked
Austintoturnofftheair-conditioningbecauseitwaschillyenoughinthecar.WhileIgot
itthatIshouldn’thavebeenlate,Ialsofeltthishadlesstodowithmeandmoretodowith
somethingelse.
Andthenitoccurredtome.
Maybehe ’s asnervousasIam,Ithought.He ’s abouttostepoutintothepublicwith
anewwomanonhisarm —someone mostpeoplehaveneverheardofbefore.Andhe ’s
abouttobefacedwithahellofalotofspeculationwhenitcomestothat,particularly
afterhewascaughtkissinganotherman.Ofcoursehe ’s onedge.Whowouldn ’t be?
Lethimcooloff …
“Howwasyourworkout?”Iasked.
“Itwasaworkout,”hesaid,notlookingatme.
“Jackson,”Isaid,“I’msorryIwaslate.ButyouhavetounderstandthelengthsIwent
totopullmyselftogetherproperlyforyou.Thiswillbeourfirsttimeouttogether,andI
hadtolookmybest.Gettingreadyisdifferentformenthanitisforwomen.Ifyou’donly
lookatme,you’dseethatI’vegivenitmyall.”
Hewassilentforamoment,andthenheturnedtome.
“Whodesignedyourdress?”heasked.
“CarolinaHerrera.”
“Andyourshoes—theonesthatgaveyousomuchtrouble?”
“JimmyChoo,thatmotherfucker.He’sclearlyasadist.”
HecockedhisheadatmewhenIsaidthat,andfinallyhesmiled,reachedformyhand,
andhelditinhislap.
“I’msorry,”hesaid.“Idon’tmeantobedifficult.It’sjustthatIdon’tknowwhatthe
papsaregoingtosaytouswhenwearriveattherestaurant.Becausethemomenttheysee
mewithyou,it’sonlygoingtofuelmorespeculationaroundmysexuality.That’sthelast
thingIwant,eventhoughIknowthattogettotheothersideofthis,I’mgoingtowork
hardtoconvincethemthatthisrelationshipofoursisreal.”
“Wecandoit,”Isaid.“Iknowwecan.AndI’msorry,Jackson.Ihatethatyou’regoing
throughthis.”
“Thanksagainforhelpingmeout,Sienna.”
“We’llgetthroughittogether,”Isaid.“We’llturnthingsaroundforyou.”
“That’sthething,”hesaid.“Ifeelasifit’salreadytoolateforthat.”
“Almostthere,”Austinsaid.“Thetrafficlightsareworkinginourfavor.Wewon’tbe
late.”
“Thanks,man,”Jacksonsaid.
“Thankyou,Austin,”Isaid.“Again,Iapologizeforthetrouble.”
Andforoneheatedmoment,AustinBlackliftedhiseyesandlookedatmeinthe
rearviewmirror,noddingsilentlyatme.Wecontinuedtoraceacrossthecity.
***
PerSewaslocatedonthefourthflooroftheTimeWarnerCenteronManhattan’sUpper
WestSide.ItwasatSixtiethStreet,whereCNNhaditsNewYorkheadquarters.
HarperandMimihadchosenthisparticularrestaurantforareason.Notonlywasit
smackinthemiddleofwhereManhattanthrived,italsowasoneofthefinestrestaurants
inthecity.ThomasKeller—therenownedchefwhohadthreeMichelinestarstohisname
—ownedit.Ifyoucouldsomehowsnagatablehere,I’dheardfromfriendsthatitwasone
oftheplacestogoforfinedininginthiscity.
ButifyouwereJacksonCruise,gettingatableherenaturallywasn’tanissue.
“We’rehere,”Austinsaidasweapproachedthetoweringskyscraperandstoppedin
frontofit.“Andsoisthepress.Severaldozenofthem—andthey’vejustspottedus.
They’rehurryingover,sogetintocharacternow,becausephotosareabouttobetaken.”
“Kissme,”IsaidtoJackson.“Thinkofmeasyourhotcowboy…”
Hemusthavedonethat,becausewhenhesweptmeintohisarmsandlaidoneonmeas
thelimousine’sinteriorwassuddenlyilluminatedwithexplosionsoflight,histongue
plungedintomymouth.Imethisbrazennesswithmyown,tuggingathisbottomlipwith
myteeth.AndthenAustinopenedJackson’sdoor.
Asourlipsparted,whatIsawoutsidewasamobscene.
“Everybody,standback!”IheardAustinshoutabovetheroarashishandssweptoutat
hissides.“Givethemroom!”
TheonlytimeI’dexperiencedthiskindofhungerandenergywaswhenI’dwonmy
actingawardatCannes.Myphotographhadbeentakenbyhundredsofentertainment
photographersandreportersfromaroundtheworldwhilepeoplecheeredmeonand
whistledatme.
Onlythistimetheyweren’tcheeringorwhistling.Instead,aspredicted,thepaparazzi
immediatelystartedlobbingquestionsatus.
“Jackson!”onemancalledout.“TMZ.Yourfanswanttoknowthetruth—areyougay?
Isthemanyoukissedbeforeyougotonyourplanesomeonewhoisimportanttoyou?Is
heyourboyfriend?Orwashejustafling?”
WithourheadsloweredandJackson’sarmlodgedtightlyaroundmywaist,weleaned
intoeachotherandpressedtowardthebuilding’smainentranceasAustinclearedapath
forusthroughtheexplosionoflights.
“Youoweittoyourfanstotellthetruth,Jackson!”onewomancalledout.“Andalsoto
thegaycommunity!Youcancomeout.Yourfanswillacceptyouforwhoyouare.Are
yougayornot?”
Hisgriptightenedaroundme,andmyheartwentouttohimasthepaparazzi
surroundedus.Thishadtobehellforhim.
“Jackson,whoareyouwith?”amancalledout.“Issheyourbeard?”
Seriously?Ithoughtasragesparkedthroughme.That ’s howyou ’re goingtolabel
me?Overmydeadfuckingbody,buddy.
Unabletocontainmyself,Istopped,turned,andlookedoutattheseaofreportersasI
wasfloodedwithrapidsuccessionsoflights.Ididn’tknowwhohadaskedthatquestion,
butitdidn’tmatter,becauseIhadamessagetodelivertoallofthem.
“MynameisSiennaJones,”Isaidtothem.“Ifyoudon’tknowwhoIam,Googleit.
Also,I’mfarfrombeingJacksonCruise’s‘beard,’asoneofyouhadthenervetosuggest.
Ifyou’dbeendoingyourjobs,you’dknowthatJacksonandIhavebeenseeingeachother
forthepastsixweeks.”
Thatwasn’tpartofthescript,butitwasnow—andsobeit.
“Whoareyou,again?”someonecalledout.
“Figureitout,”Isaid.
“Sixweeks?”Iheardsomebodysay.“Whatthehell?”
“WhoisSiennaJones?”awomanasked.
“We’resupposedtoGoogleit,”someoneelsejoked.
“Thisway,”Austinsaid,openingoneofthebuilding’sdoorsforus.
IplacedmyhandagainstJackson’slowerbackjustasheimpulsivelyleaneddownand
kissedmeonthelips.IkissedhimbackwitheverythingIhadasthepresssweptinto
capturethemomentforalltheworldtosee.Intheblizzardofflashinglightsandclicking
camerasthatsoughttooverwhelmus,ourkissneverthelesslingeredbeforewebrokeaway
andfollowedAustinintothebuilding—justasarisingchorusofquestionsaboutour
relationshipslammedagainstourbacks.
***
“They’rebuyingnoneofit,”Jacksonsaidinalow,irritatedvoiceafterthethreeofus
crossedthelobbytooneoftwoescalatorsthatledtothecenter’srestaurantandbar
collection.ThefamedPorterHouserestaurantwasoneofthem,aswasPerSe.Bestofall?
Thepressweren’tallowedonthislevel,whichtookthepressureoffeachofus—atleast
forthemoment.
“Theyalreadyknowthisisbullshit,”hesaid.“Andthat’swhatI’mgoingtoface
tomorrowinprint.”
“Thisisgoingtotaketime,”IsaidquietlytohimaswefollowedAustinoffthe
escalator.“Butsoontheywillbelieveit,Jackson.We’llmakethembelieveit.”
“Wecan’tmakethembelieveshit,Sienna,”hesaid,turningtome.Andwhenhedid,I
sawthathelookedatoncefurious,vulnerable,andunhinged.“They’llbelievewhatever
sellspapersordrivestraffictotheirwebsites.”
“Let’snothavethisconversationhere,”Isaid.“Someonecouldoverhearus.Thepress
aregonefornow.YouandIneedtoseetonightthrough.”
“Easyforyoutosay,”hesaid.“You’renottheonewhosecareerisontheline.”
“Jackson,”Austinsaid,“IthinkyouneedtohaveagoodlookatwhatSiennajustdid
foryou.Thereportersquestionedyoursexuality—justasweallknewtheywould—and
whentheytookthingstoofar,Siennagotinfrontofthesituationandchallengedthem.
Thattookballs.”
“Yeah,well,shehasherowncareertoprotect,doesn’tshe?”
Iblinkedwhenhesaidthatbutdecidednottotakeitpersonally.
He ’s upset.He ’s angry.Andhehasgoodreasontobe.
ButatleastAustinhadcometomydefense.
“Thatisn’tfairtoSienna,”hesaid.“Andyouknowit.”
“Whatever,”Jacksonsaid.“Look,Ineedadrink.I’lltextyoutenminutesbeforewe
leave,OK?”
“Whenyoudo,I’llletyouknowifthepressisoutsidewaitingforyoutwotoemerge.If
theyare,I’llhandlethesituation.”
“Everyoneseemstobehandlingmysituation,”Jacksonsaid.
“That’sbecauseitneedshandling,”Austinsaidinafirmvoice.“Now,getyourself
together.Atdinner,youtwoneedtosellyourselvestoeveryoneinthatrestaurant,because
thewaiterswhoareabouttoserveyouaregoingtobelisteningtoyoutwo.YouandIboth
knowfullwellthatmanyofthemarepaidontheslybythepapstogetinsideinformation,
somybestadviceistoletgoofwhateverdoubtyou’refeeling,becauseSiennaisright.
It’sgoingtotaketimetoturnthetablesinyourfavor,andIbelievethatyouwill—ifyou
don’tfuckitupinthemeantime.”
Clearlythesetwoareclose,Ithought,becausethere ’s nowayinhellJacksonwould
allowAustintotalklikethattohimiftheyweren ’t.
“I’msorryifI’mbeingadick,”Jacksonsaid.“Idon’tmeantobe.”
“Look,wegetit,”Austinsaid.“You’reunderalotofpressure.You’reupset.Thisisa
lotforanyonetohandle.Butifyou’regoingtogetbeyondthis,youseriouslyneedto
chill,Jackson.Listentomeonthis.”
WhenJacksontookmyhand,Icouldfeelfrustrationcomingoffhiminwaves.
“I’lltextyou,”hesaidtoAustinaswestartedtomovetowardtherestaurant.“Giveusa
fewhours,andthengetusthehelloutofhere.”
CHAPTERFIVE
Thirtyminuteslater,afterJacksonandIhadbeenseatedatatablethatoverlooked
ColumbusCircle—whichwasoneoftheprimeseatsatPerSe—Jacksonwasalreadytwo
bourbonsdownwithathirdoneontheway.Hewasdrinkingsoquicklyitwasstartingto
concernme.Iwasstillworkingonmyfirstmartini,forGod’ssake.
Howwellcanhehandlehisbooze?Iwondered,lookingathimnervously.Becauseifhe
keepsdrinkinglikethis,I ’m goingtohavetosaysomethingjusttosparehimfrom
himself …
Eachofushadorderedthechef’selaboratetastingmenu,whichincludedahostof
smallbitesdesignedtounderscorewhyThomasKellerreignedasoneoftheworld’sbest
chefs.
Onthemenu,someofthedisheshadbeengivennames,suchas“OystersandPearls,”
“PeasandCarrots,”“BreadandButter,”and“Gougère,”whichwasadelicatecheesepuff
thatIknewwouldbenosimplecheesepuff.Andthereweremanyothersamplingsthat
wouldjustkeepcominguntilwearrivedatanassortmentofdessertsthatincludedfruit,
icecream,chocolate,andcandies.
Overthetopdidn’tevencomeclosetodescribingthisplace,whichwasbeautifullylit
withambientlightingthatgavethespacearomanticglow,particularlywiththecity
glimmeringbeyondthewindowsatJackson’sback.OnsomelevelAustinmusthave
gottenthroughtohim,becauseJacksonwasholdingmyrighthandandstrokingtheback
ofitwithhisthumbwhenhisthirdbourbonarrived.
“Anothermartiniforyou,miss?”ourwaiteraskedme.
“Maybelater,”Isaid.“Oncewe’rewellintothemeal.”
“Ofcourse.Nowthatyou’vehadtimetorelaxandenjoyyourdrinks,thetastingwill
begin.”
“Thankyou,”Isaidasthemansteppedaway.
Andwhenhedid,Jacksonletgoofmyhand,leanedbackinhischair,andtookasipof
hisdrink.“Tellmeaboutyou,”hesaid.“IsSiennayourrealname?Oryourstagename?”
“No,it’smyrealname,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmyvoicelightandengaged.“Butmaybe
Ishouldhavebeenmorecreative,because‘Jones’isn’texactlymemorable,isit?”
“Itcouldbeworse,”hesaid.“Hell,youcouldbe‘JacksonCruise.’”Hetookanother
pullfromhisdrink.“Wherewereyouborn?”
“Dubuque,Iowa.Howaboutyou?Wheredidyougrowup?”
“Here,”hesaid.“Inthecity.”
“YougrewupinManhattan?”
“Idid.”
“Thatmusthavebeenexciting,”Isaid.“YouhadaccesstoallthethingsIusedtocrave
whenIwasgrowingup.Culture,thebestconcerts,citylife,nightclubs,interesting
restaurants,interestingpeople.Ican’timaginewhatitmusthavebeenliketogrowup
here.”
“Oh,itwasgreat,”hesaidsarcastically.“Myfatherisoneofthecity’sbestbrain
surgeons.Mymotherisabest-selling,prize-winningnovelistofliterature.Andsincemy
twosistersdecidedtofollowinmyfather’sfootstepsinwaysthatIneverdid,theyalso
aredoctors.Theyhavetwoterrifichusbandsandtwoterrificchildreneach.Asforme…
I’mthedisappointmentwhofailedtocarryonthefamilyname.So,”hesaidafterhe’d
tossedbackhisdrink,finishingit,“there’sthat.”
“Butyou’resosuccessful,”Isaid.“Whatyou’veachievedhastomeansomethingto
yourfamily,Jackson.You’reaninternationalsuperstar.Andyou’reonlythirty-five!
You’vebeenintwenty-fivemoviesalready,andprettymuchallofthemhavebeenbox-
officesmashes.”
Hewasfarfrombeingdrunk—whichsurprisedmeconsideringallhe’dhadtodrinkin
thepastfortyminutes—butwhenheleanedtowardme,Ididnoticehimwaveringabit.
Thisconcernedme,sinceIknewthatasidefromthewaitstaff,thedinerseatingnearus
hadrecognizedhim.AndwheneveramajorcelebrityofJackson’sstaturewasspiedina
publicspacesuchasthis,Ialsoknewthatwordofhispresencehadalreadyspreadand
thateveryoneinthisrestaurantknewhewashere.
Hestartsworkonanewmovietomorrow,IthoughtasIassessedhim.Ineedtomake
surehedoesn ’t makeafoolofhimself.ButhowdoIdosowithoutoffendinghim?
“Sienna,whenitcomestomyfamily,whatIreallyamisaninternationalfraud,”he
said,liftinghisemptyglassabovehisheadandmotioningforanotherdrinkbeforelooking
atmeagain.
“Yourfamilyreallythinksthataboutyou?”Iasked.
“Letmeclarify.Mysistersarefinewiththethingthatshallnotbenamedinpublic,but
myparentsexpresstheirdisappointmentinallsortsofways—sometimesdirectly.Like
whenmynameappearedinthetabloidsthisweek.Irarelyhearfromthem,butIsureas
hellheardfromthemthen.”
“Whatdidtheysay?”
“Inanutshell?ThatIwasanembarrassment.Andthatthey’draisedmetobehave
betterthanthat.”
“Byshowingaffectiontowardanotherperson?”
“Towardanotherman,”hesaidinalowvoice.
“Abouthim,”Isaid,“isheanyonespecialtoyou?”
“Hecouldbe,”hesaid.“ButbecauseofwhoIam,hecan’tbe.”
“Whoishe?”
“Mypilot.We’vebeenseeingeachotherforafewmonths.It’snotserious,becauseit
can’tbeserious.Hetellsmeheunderstands,butIhavetowonderwhetherhereallydoes.”
“I’msorry,”Isaidashisfourthbourbonarrived.Whenourserverleft,Jacksonlifted
thedrinkinmydirectionandtoastedmebeforehetookasip.
“So,youlikehim?”Iasked.
“It’sdeeperthanthat…notthatheknows.Butlet’snottalkabouthim,OK?I’dreally
rathernot.”
“That’sfine,Jackson.”
“‘Jackson,’”hesaidwithalaugh.“Thatisn’tmyrealname,Sienna,whichyou’ve
probablyfiguredoutbynow.Imean,whocallstheirkid‘JacksonCruise’?Noone.
Certainlynotmyuptightparents.MyrealnameisMikeFleming.How’sthatoneforyou?
Mylastnameliterallysoundslikephlegm.Somethingthatgetscaughtinthebackofyour
throatthatyouwanttospitoutontothestreet.”
Thealcoholisstartingtoaffecthim,Ithought,gettingworriedasourfirstcourse
arrived.Itwasthe“OystersandPearls,”whichwasasingleoystertoppedwithtapioca
andwhitesturgeoncaviar.SinceIwantedtoencouragehimtoeatbeforehedrankeven
more,Iliftedupmyshelltohimandsaid,“Here’stous.Andalsotoyournewmovie.
Let’strythefood.”
“Whyareyoudeflecting?”hesaid.“Ismylifetoomuchforyoutohandle?”
Timetotakehimonbeforehedoesmoredamagethangood …
“Nothingistoomuchformetohandle,Jackson,”IsaidquietlyasImethiseyeswith
myown.“BecauseI’vegonethroughmyownshareofshiteversinceImovedto
Manhattan—thingsnobodyknowsabout.DarktimesIneverwanttotalkabout.So,
please,don’tbelieveforoneminutethatIhaven’thadbleakmomentsofmyowninmy
life,becausethatisn’tthecase.Butthat’senoughofthat.I’mhungry.Andbothofusneed
toeat.”
WhenIsaidthat,hepickeduphisoyster,tosseditback,andwasheditdownwith
anothersipofbourbon.“Fantastic,”hesaid.“Todiefor.”
AfterI’deatenmine,Ilookedhardathim.
“Jackson,”Iwhispered,“youneedtokeepyourvoicedown.Ifyoudon’t,thepeopleat
thenexttablewillhearyou,whichyoudon’twant.”
“Icanhandlemybooze,Sienna.”
“I’mthinkingotherwise,”Isaid,pushingthebreadbaskettowardhim.“Eatsome
bread.Getsomethingonyourstomach.”
“BeforeIembarrassyou,too?”
“Beforeyouembarrassyourself.”
“Fine—I’lleatsomebread.”
“Anddrinksomewaterbeforeyouregrethavingtoomanydrinks.”
“Lookatme,drinkingwaterforthelady.”
“Keepdrinkingit,becauseyouneedto.”
“Andlookatthat—Ijustfinishedmywater,”hesaid.
“Givemeyourdrink,”Isaid.“You’vehadenough.”
“NobodytellsmewhenI’vehadenough,Sienna.”
“Jackson,Iunderstandthatyou’vebeenthroughhellthispastweek,butyouarein
publicnow.Wearrivedheretoofferupasmokescreen.Youcan’tblowthat.It’sonlyour
firstdayoutinpublictogether.”
“Thentakethebourbon,”hesaid,pushingittowardme.
ThankGod.
Isweptitawayfromhim.
“Letmeaskyouaquestion,”hesaidafterhe’dtornoffapieceofbreadandstartedto
eatit.“Haveyoueverbeeninlove,Sienna?”
“Once,”Isaid,notwantingtodiscussit.
“Justonce?”
“Yes,justonce.”
“Howcanthatbe?You’rehot.Andyou’re,like…what?Twenty-sevenorsomething?”
“That’sright.Twenty-seven.”
“Andyou’veonlyfalleninloveonce?”
“Unfortunately.Inthemeantime,I’vebeenfocusingonmycareer.”
“Whowastheluckyguy?”
“Neitherofuswaslucky,Jackson.Certainlynotme.”
“Jesus,”hesaid.“Andthemysterydeepens.”
“I’drathernotmakelightofit.”
“Whatwashe?Somekindofasshole?”
Yes,Jackson.Theworstkind …
“Areyoufinished?”ourserverasked,materializingatourside.
“Weare,”IsaidwithabrightsmileIdidn’tfeel.“Theyweredelicious.”
Withoutaword,themantookawayourplatesandleft.Momentslater,hereturnedwith
the“PeasandCarrots”partofourservingcourse,whichwasdeliveredtousinshallow
disheswithasmallservingofsugarsnappeas,carrots,andturnipstoppedwithwhatI
rememberedfromthemenutobeablackwintertrufflecrèmefraîche.Lookingatthe
beautifulpresentationwasalmostenoughtodistractmefromthesheeruglinessthatwas
unfoldinginfrontofme.
“Thankyou,”Isaidtothewaiterasheleft.IlookedoveratJackson,whohadjust
stolenthebourbonI’dtakenawayfromhimandsluggeditdown.“Focusondinner,”I
saidtohim.“Thewayyou’regoing,thesoonerwe’reoutofhere,thebetter.”
“Iamstartingtofeelabitwoozy,”hesaid.
“Idon’tdoubtit.Eatyourpeasandcarrots.”
“Nowyousoundlikethenannywhoraisedme.”
“Youwereraisedbyananny?”
“Iwas,”hesaid,tappinghisfingeragainsthischest.“BecauseI’mwhattheycalla
mistake,Sienna.BythetimeIcamealong,myparentswerefullyvestedintheircareers—
andnotinme.Theydidn’thavethesamekindoftimeformetheyhadgivenmytwoolder
sisters.So,IwasprettymuchshoveledofftoNannyGrace,whichisaprettyfittingname
forawomanwhobecamethemotherIneverhad.Afewyearsago,whensheneededtogo
intoassistedliving,Imadecertaintoputherinthebestfacilitythiscityhas.Ipayforall
ofit,andI’mhappytodoso.Becausewithoutthatwoman,I’dbeseriouslyfuckedup.”
Myheartwentouttohimwhenhesaidthat,andthenIwatchedhimlookdownathis
plate.
“Thesearepeasandcarrots?”heasked.
“Theyare.Youcanseethepeas.Theorangemousseisthecarrots.”
“IthinkIneedanotherdrink.”
“Idon’tthinkyoudo,Jackson.”
“That’sbecauseyou’renotgoingthroughwhatI’mgoingthroughrightnow,Sienna.”
“Iunderstandthat,”Isaidinalowvoice.“Buthereisn’ttheplacetogetdrunk.Ifyou
wanttodothat,Isuggest—foryouandyourcareeralone—thatyoudosoathome.So,
whydon’twejustcallAustinnowandbailonthisdinnersoyoucandrinkinprivate?In
fact,ifwedoleavenow,we’dprobablyfoolthepaps,wholikelythinkwe’regoingtobe
hereforseveralhoursandhaveprobablylefttocoverotherstoriesbeforecomingback
here.”
“Idon’twanttoleave,becauseIlikebeingherewithyou,”hesaid,reachingouttohold
myhand.“Ifeelcomfortablewithyou,whichiskindofweird,right?Imean,weonlyjust
mettoday.WhatamItomakeofthat?”
“Peoplemeetforareason,”Isaid.“AndasfarasI’mconcerned,tonightthatreasonis
formetogetyououtofherebeforeit’stoolateforyou.”
“Toolateforme?”
“You’redrunk,”Isaid.
“I’mnotthatdrunk.”
“Yes,youare.AndI’mconcerned.”
“What’stobeconcernedabout?”
“Yourmakingafoolofyourself.CallAustin.Tonight,I’llpaythebill.Weneedtoget
yououtofherebeforethosefourbourbonsyoujustdrankinrecordtimehityouharder
thantheyalreadyhave.”
CHAPTERSIX
WhenAustinconfirmedthathewaswaitingforusinfrontoftheTimeWarnerCenter,I
lookedoveratJacksonasheturnedoffhisphone.Hiseyeshadbecomehooded.His
cheekswereflushed.
“Austin’satthecurb,”hesaid,“waitingforus.”
“Tellhimtocomeinsideandmeetusattherestaurant.”
“Why?”
“Justdoit.”
Withaconfusedshakeofhishead,hesquintedathisphone,turnediton,andstartedto
textsomething,butGodonlyknowswhatthatwas—orhowcoherentitwouldbe.Why
hadn’ttheygivenmeAustin’snumber?Ishouldbetheonetextinghim,notJackson.
I’dalreadytoldourserverthatIwasn’tfeelingwell—andhadpaidthebillwithmy
nearlymaxed-outcreditcard.ThankGodIhadenoughroomleftonit,becauseeven
thoughwewereleavingearlywithoutfinishingourmeals,I’dneverthelessbeenaskedto
paythefullpriceforthetastingmenuaswellasourcocktails,whichhadcostmeovera
grand.
Butatleastweweregettingoutofhere,whichwasnothingshortofgrand.Given
Jackson’sdrunken,emotionalstate,Icouldn’tallowanyofthistobementionedin
tomorrow’snews.
Hiscellphonedinged,andhelookedunsteadilyatthescreen.
“Austin’sonhiswayupnow.”
“Ineedyoutobeassteadyasyoucanforme,”Isaidbeforewestoodupfromthe
table.“Everyoneinthisrestaurantisawarethatyou’reheretonight.Theyhavetheircell
phonesattheready.”
“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“BecausewhenIpaidthebill,Icasuallyglancedaroundandsawthatsomeofthose
phonesaretrainedonusasIspeak.Ineedyoutotakeholdofmyhandasyoustand,I
needyoutostandrightatmysidewhenweleave,andifwe’relucky,we’llgetyououtof
thisplacewithoutcausingascene.”
Butweweren’tlucky.BecausewhenJacksonstood,hewaveredabitonhisfeetbefore
hiseyescrossedandhepitchedforward.Heslammedontothetableandtookitdownwith
himasIrushedback.Everyonelookingongaveacollectivegasp.
IheardJackson’snamebeingmentionedallaroundme.
AndsinceIwasacutelyawarethatphotosandvideoswerebeingtakenofus,I
instinctivelysaid—inavoiceeveryonearounduscouldhear—“It’sfoodpoisoning—that
oystermadeyousick!”
Immediately,ourserverwasatourside,helpingmegetJacksontohisfeet,whichwasa
sadstateofaffairsifthereeverwasone.Jacksonhadbecomeawobblingdrunkwhowas
sodeepinthetankthathe’dbecomehisownhorrorshow.
“It’sclearlyfoodpoisoning,”Isaidoutloud,knowingthismomentwouldinevitablybe
postedonYouTube.Andwhenitwas,IwantedpeopletowonderwhetherJacksonwas
drunkorifanoysterhadmadehimsosick.“Itwastheshellfish,”IsaidasIseizedhis
arm.“Yousaiditdidn’ttasteright.Yousaiditwasoff.Weneedtogetyouhome.”
Heglancedatme.“GetmeoutofherebeforeIthrowup.”
WitheveryounceofstrengthIcouldmuster,IledhimoutofPerSeaspeoplelooked
oninamixtureofexcitement,disbelief,andhorror.WhenIsawAustinwaitingforusas
welefttherestaurant,herushedtowardus,whichwasagreatrelieftome.
“He’sdrunk,”Isaidtohimbeneathmybreath.“Itriedtokeeptheboozeatbay,but
apparentlythisonedoeswhathewants.”
“He’susedtogettinghisway,”Austinsaidquietlytome.“Let’sgethimtothe
limousine.”
“Arethepaparazziwaitingforus?”
“Thankfully,no.”
“Then,let’shurry,becausetonighthasbeenadisaster.”
“Define‘disaster,’”Jacksonsaidasweurgedhimtowardtheescalator.
“Trustme,you’llfindoutinthemorning.”
AndthenIrealizedthatthefalloutabouttocomealsoawaitedme,andthisincensed
me.
Isthishowitwasgoingtobewithhimforthenexteightmonths?Ifso,whatwould
beingwithhimdotomyowncareer,especiallysinceIwaslegallyboundtohim?
Ihadn’tenteredintothisagreementthinkingI’dbesaddledwithadrunk,sowhatdid
thatmeanforme?DidIhaveawayoutofthiscontract?Ididn’tknow.Ihadn’treadthe
damnedthing,whichIfuckingshouldhave.ButHarperknewthedetails,andshe’dbe
hearingfrommefirstthingtomorrowaboutwhetherornotIwasobligatedtostayinthis
fakerelationship.Attheveryleast,knowingHarper,Iknewshewasgoingtobefurious
thatthishadhappened.WhatevershewasgoingtosaytoMimiinthemorning—when
thisshitshowofficiallybecameapubliccircus—wasgoingtobesubstantial.
Worryaboutittomorrow,Ithought,meetingAustin’sgazeasweheldontoJackson
andhelpedhimdowntheescalator.Rightnow,weneedtogetoutofhereandintothat
limoasquicklyaspossible.
“Sorry,”Jacksonsaidaswecontinuedourdescent.“Sorryaboutthat.Didn’tmeanfor
thattohappen.Didn’tmeantogetwastedandshit…”
Withthealcoholnowfullythreadingthroughhim,hewasbecomingaweightIwasn’t
sureI’dbeabletoholdupevenwithAustin’shelp.
“Austin,”Isaidtohim,“he’sgettingtooheavyforme.”
“We’realmostthere,”hesaid.“Justonemoreflighttogo,andthenwe’llgethimacross
thelobbyandintothecar.”
“Peoplephotographedusintherestaurant,”Isaid.“Whenhestoodup,hetippedover
thedamntableandfellontopofitonthefloor.Therewerepeoplevideoinguswhenthat
happened.YouandIbothknowthat’sabouttogoviral,evenifIdidsayaloudthathehad
foodpoisoning.”
“Youdid?”hesaidtomeinsurprise.
“OfcourseIdid,”Isaid.“Isaiditforthemillionsofpeoplewhowillsoonwitness
JacksoninallhisgloryonYouTube.Imean,whatelsecouldIdo?Weaterawoysters—it
wasthefirstthingthatcameintomymind.Idecidedtoblamehisbehavioronthatinstead
ofthebooze.”
“Youmighthavejustsavedhisass,”hesaid.“Youshouldgetabonusforthat.”
“Pleasesuggestoneforme.”
“I’llgiveyouabonus,”Jacksonsaid.“BecauseIgotitlikethat.Austin?Getmy
checkbookforme,OK?Getmemycheckbookand…shit.Idon’tevenknowwheremy
checkbookis,becausewhowriteschecksanymore?Butifyoucanfinditforme,I’llwrite
achecktoSiennathat’ssobig,she’llforgiveme.Justyouwatch.”
“Here’swhatyou’regoingtodo,Jackson,”Austinsaidinafirm,controllingvoicethat
renderedJacksonsilent.“You’regoingtoshutup,pullyourselftogether,doasIsay,and
helpusgetyouintothecar.Gotit?”
“Allright…”
Whenwereachedthelobby,Austinturnedtome.
“Thecarisstillrunning,”hesaidasJackson’sheadliftedanddippedbetweenus.
“Therearepeopleoutside,butIdon’tseeanypaps.Beforetheyarriveinanticipationof
yourleavingtonight,weneedtogetthisoneintothatcarasfastaspossible.Areyouwith
me?”
“DoyoureallythinkI’mgoingtobailonyounow?”
“Somemighthave,butyouhaven’t,”hesaid.“Andthatspeaksvolumesforyou,
Sienna.I’msorryaboutthis.Obviouslythisweekhasbeenmoredifficultonhimthanany
ofusknew.”
Whenhesaidthattome,welookedateachotherforamoment,andIcouldsensea
kindofshiftbetweenus.Wewereintheprocessofmanagingsomethingthatnevershould
havehappened,andwebothknewthatwe’dnevergetthroughitwithoutoneanother.
Rightnow,tohelpJacksonthroughthis,IneededtohaveAustin’sback—buttoputthis
nightmarebehindus,healsoneededmine.
Andwebothknewit.
“I’mwithyou,”Isaid.“Buthowdowedothissoitdoesn’tlooklikewe’redragging
himoutofhere?”
“We’reabouttocreateablur,”hesaid.
“Awhat?”
“Thecarisjustoutsidethosedoors,”hesaid,noddingtowardtheexitthatledtothe
street.“Here’swhatIsuggest.I’llsweephimovermyshoulderwhileyourunaheadof
me.Whenwe’reoutside,hurrytothecarandopenthebackdoorsoIcangethiminside.
WhenIdothat,Ineedyoutoroundthecarandgetinside,andthenwe’llgetthehellout
ofhere.”
“Igotalittlebitaheadofthebottle,”Jacksonslurred.
“Youdid,”Austinsaid.“Yetagain.Jackson,I’vetoldyouyoucan’tletthisweekkeep
eatingawayatyou.Itisn’tlikeyou.”
“AndthereIgoagain,”hesaid,“lettingeveryonedown…”
“Listentome,Jackson.I’mgoingtoswingyouovermyshoulderandgetyouintothat
limousine,OK?”
“JesusfuckingChrist,”Jacksonsaid.“Overyourshoulder?Seriously?”
“Seriously.AndwhenIdothat,youaregoingtokeepyourheaddownsonoonesees
yourface.Gotit?”
“Gotit.”
“Andthenwe’llgetyouhome.Tomorrow,Mimiisgoingtohavetomanagethefallout,
butshe’lldoit,becausethat’swhatshedoesbest.”
“I’vebeenbad,”Jacksonsaid.
Exasperated,Austinlookedatme.
“Areyouready?”heasked.
“I’mready.”
“Good.I’llputhimovermyshoulderwhileyouopenthedoorsforus.Justasplanned.
Go!”
IhurriedtowardthedoorsandopenedthemasAustinchargedtowardmewithJackson
slungoverhismassiverightshoulder,andthenwewereoutandintothewarmnightair.
Aswerushedacrossthesidewalk,peoplelookedoddlyatusasIrantowardthe
limousine.IopenedthebackdoorjustbeforeAustinloweredJacksontothegroundand
shovedhiminside.
“Nowyou,”hesaid.
Iroundedthecarandgotinside,Austinshutmydoorbehindme,andthensuddenlyhe
wasinthefrontseatandpeelingawayintotraffic.
“Jesus,”Isaid.
“I’msorry,Sienna,”Austinsaid.“Thankyouforyourhelp.”
IplacedmyhandagainstJackson’sbacktoseeifhewasOK,butwhenIdid,hejust
careenedoverontohissideandpassedout.
AsangryasIwaswithhim,Icouldn’thelpbutfeelforhim.Thisweekhadbeentoo
muchforhim.Firstthescandal,thenthefallout,andthentheschemetohaveafake
girlfriend.Despitethedamagebeingwithhimtonightmighthavedonetomyowncareer,
Ineverthelessfoundmyselfstrokinghisbackaswehurtledacrossthecity,whereJackson
hadapenthouseapartmentonFifthinahigh-risethatoverlookedCentralPark.
“He’sout,”IsaidtoAustin.
“Iseethat,”hesaid.“Now,tellme—howareyou?”
“I’mupset,”Isaid.“Andangry.AndalsosadthatJackson’sgoingthroughallthis.
Onceitbecamecleartomethathewasdrinkingtoomuch,Itriedtostophim,buthe
wouldn’thaveit.HejustkeptslingingbackbourbonafterbourbonwhileIencouraged
himtoeatbreadanddrinkwater.WhenIrealizedthingswereonlygoingtogetworse,I
urgedhimtobailondinnerandcallyoutopickusup.Becauseatthatpoint,Jacksongot
soloadedsoquicklythatthepeoplearoundusstartedfilmingit,Austin.Mimineedsto
knowthat.”
“I’llcallhertonight,”hesaid.“I’lltellhereverything.Andtrynottoworryaboutthis,
Sienna.Tonightisonhim,notyou.IplantomakethatverycleartoMimi.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Now,listen—doyouneedmetohelpyougetJacksonintohis
apartment?”
“No,”hesaid.“Icandoit.”
“Areyousure?He’sprettymuchdeadweightrightnow.”
Amomentpassedbeforehespoke.“Thisisn’tthefirsttimethishashappened,Sienna.I
canmanageonmyown.”
WhathaveIgottenmyselfinto?
“Allright.Well,whileyou’retakinghiminside,I’lljustcatchacabandheadhome.”
“That’snothappening,”hesaid.
“Sorry?”
“It’sinthecontract.”
“What’sinthecontract?”
“I’vealreadytoldyou,”hesaid.“I’malsoheretoprotectyou.Andbecauseofthat,I’ll
betakingyouhomemyself.WhenwearriveatJackson’sapartment,justwaitformein
thecar,andwhenIreturn,I’lltakeyouhome.”
Iwantedthisdaybehindme,andgettingacabonmyownwasthequickestwayto
makethathappen.ButasAustinlookedatmeintherearviewmirror,IknewIhadto
honormycontract.So,Ijustnoddedathimasweroaredacrossthecity.
***
Thirtyminuteslater,afterAustinhadtakenJacksontohisapartment,hereturnedtothe
car,whichwasdouble-parkedjustoutsidethebuilding’sentrance.
“Isheallright?”IaskedwhenAustinsteppedbehindthewheel,turnedoffthehazard
lights,andshutthedoorbehindhim.
“Let’sjustsayhe’sgoingtohaveonehellofahangoverinthemorning.Buthe’sinbed
andsafe,andthat’swhatmatters.Thanksagainforyourhelp.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid.
Helookedoverhisshoulderandouttherearwindow,waitingforanopeningsohe
couldcutintotraffic.Ashedid,Iadmiredhisprofile.Ithoughthehadthemostbeautiful
Romanesquenose—itwasbold,strong,andmasculine,withaprominentbridgethat
suitedhim.Hislips,nowpressedtogetherashejudgedtherightmomenttohitthegas,
werefullandsensuous,andIwonderedwhatitwouldbeliketokisshim.
AndthenIwonderedwhyIwassodrawntohim.
Itwasn’tjusthislooks,althoughtheycertainlyhelped.Butbecausethiswasacity
brimmingwithattractivemen,Iknewithadtobesomethingmore.Whatwasit?Wasit
hisquietconfidencethatgottome?OrwasithiscleardevotiontoJacksonthatspoketo
me—despitethelowsthatclearlycamewiththatjob?Orwasitthewayhe’dlookedatme
whenhe’dmassagedmyfeetandhelpedmeintomyshoes?Histouchhadbeenasgentle
asithadbeenerotic.Ithadsentshiversthroughme,butIstillhadtowonder—wasthat
becauseofhim?OrwasitbecauseithadbeenthefirsttimeI’dallowedanothermanto
touchmesinceI’dleftErictwoyearsago?
Whenwecutintotraffic,Iglanceddownatmywatchandcouldn’tbelieveitwasonly
teno’clock.MynightoutwithJacksonCruisehadlastedalloftwohours.SinceJackson
wassuchamajorcelebrity,Iknewitwouldonlybeamatteroftimebeforesomebodyin
thatrestaurantsoldtheirvideoofhimgoingdownwiththattabletoamemberofthe
paparazzi.Worse,Iknewinmygutthatthatvideowoulddominatetomorrow’snews
cycle.
AsAustinhookedaleftbackontoFifthandwestartedheadingdowntown,Ifeltmyself
starttocooloffasIconsideredhowharditmustbeforJacksonnottobeabletobe
himselfbuthavetolivehislifeasalie.
Ithadtobehellforhim,especiallygiventhedivisivecultureinwhichwelivedtoday,
withneo-Nazisandwhitesupremacistsfearlesslyrisingupinwaysthatunnervedme.It
brokemyheartthatifJacksonwantedtocontinuehiscareerasanactionstar,hewould
probablyhavetohidehistrueselffromtheworld.Itwassounfairthatittroubledme.
PleaselettomorrownotbeasawfulasIthinkit ’s goingtobeforhim,Ithoughtto
myself.Becausewhenhewakesuptothismess,he ’s goingtofeelshakenand
vulnerable.Ihavetheprivilegeofbeingastraight,whitewoman.Icanhandlewhateveris
saidaboutmetomorrow.ButI ’m notsosurethatJacksoncan …
“Wouldyouliketotalk?”Austinasked.
IwassodeepinthoughtthatIwasstartledwhenhespoke.
“I’msorry?”Isaid.
“Wouldyouliketotalk?Orwouldyouratherkeepthinkingaboutwhathappened
tonight?Becausethat’swhatyou’redoing,Sienna.Icanseeitonyourface.You’re
worriedaboutJackson.You’reworriedabouttomorrow’snewscycle.Whydon’tyoulet
metakeyourmindoffallthat—evenifit’sjustforafewmoments?”
“Whatwouldyouliketotalkabout?”Iasked.
“Anything,”hesaid.“GiventhekindoftrafficI’mlookingatrightnow,we’reinforat
leastatwenty-minutedrivetogettoyourplace.I’dhatetodoitinsilence,especially
sinceIthinkyouneedadistractionasmuchasIdo.So,letmeaskthefirstquestion,
becauseit’sreallyimportanttoseewhereyoustandonthisparticularissue.”
“Allright,”IsaidasIlookedathimintherearviewmirror.“Whichissue?”
“Areyou’reaYankeesoraMetsfan?”
Ismiledwhenhesaidthat,becauseafterthehelloftonight,Iknewhewasmakingan
efforttolightenthemood.
“Yankees,”Isaid.“Ihopethatdoesn’toffend—”
“Hell,no!”hesaid.“TotalYankeesfanhere.Beenonemyentirelife.”
“Yourentirelife?Didyougrowuphere?”
“BornandraisedintheBronx.”
“AndyetIdon’thearanaccent,”Iremarked.
“That’sbecausemygrandmotherbeatitoutofme.”
“Whywouldshedothat?”
“BecauseshewasbornandraisedinEnglandandalwayshatedtheBronxaccent.Since
sheandmygrandfatherlivednextdoortouswhenIwasgrowingup,shetookitupon
herselftobecomemydialectcoach.ApparentlyshethoughtthatifIdidn’tspeak
‘properly,’itwouldbeharderformetosucceedinlife.”
“Well,Austin,Ihavetosaythat’soneofthestrangerstoriesI’veheardinawhile.”
“It’sprettymessedup,”hesaidwithalaugh.“Butthat’smygrandmother.So,how
aboutyou?Whereareyoufrom?”
“Guess.”
“California?”
“MorelikeDubuque,Iowa.”
“Dubuque?So,whoscrubbedyouofyouraccent?”
“Thatwouldbeactingclasses,wheremyaccentalsowasstrippedfromme.”
“Howdidyoufallintoacting?”
“Longstory.”
“Giveittomelong,orgiveittomeshort.”
“Let’sgofortheshortversion,”Isaidwithasmile.
“Finebyme.”
“EversinceIwasakid,IwantedtoperformonBroadway,whichisthereasonImoved
toManhattan.Unfortunately,noworkcamemywayuntilafriendscoredmeameeting
withHarper,whotookmeonasamodel,notanactress.SheknewIwantedtoact,butshe
alsoknewthatIneededtoeat.So,thewholemodelingthinghappened.WhenIwasn’t
modeling,Iwasstudyingacting.Sevenlongyearslaterandwithonlyafewminorroles
comingmyway,IwasabouttogiveuponmydreamwhenlastyearIlandedtheleadrole
inLion.Andthen,thisyear,cameCannes.AndthentheawardIreceivedthere.Andthen
cameJackson.AndnowI’minalimousinewithyou,drivingdownFifthAvenue.Mylife
hasofficiallybecomesurreal,Austin.”
“I’mgladyou’rehere,Sienna,”hesaidtome.“I’mgladyou’rebeginningtorealize
yourdreams.Becausetheydon’tcomeeasily,dothey?”
“No,”Isaid.“Theydon’t.”
“DidyoueatanythingatPerSetonight?”heasked.“Beyondtheoyster?”
“Unfortunately,no.We’djustbeenservedoursecondcoursewhenJacksonupendedthe
table.”
“It’sonlytenthirty,”hesaid.“Areyouhungry?BecauseIhaveafavoritedinerIgoto
downtown,andIhaven’thaddinnermyselftonight.Ifyou’dliketojoinme,wecouldget
somethingtoeat.”
Andthereitwasinfrontofme—oneseriouslydangerousproposition—andonethatI
couldn’ttakelightly.
“Wecouldhaveaburger,”hesaid.“Somefries.Whatdoyousay?”
“ThatIcan’tdoit,”Isaid.
Heglancedatmeintherearviewmirrorandfurrowedhisbrow.
“Why?”
Becauseofthewayyouputmyshoesonmeearliertonight,Austin.Andbecauseofhow
mybodyrespondedtoyouwhenyouheldmyfeetinyourhands.AndbecauseI ’m beyond
attractedtoyou.Nogoodcancomefromthis —at leastfornow.I ’m ownedbyJackson
forthenexteightmonths …
“IsignedanagreementtobeexclusivetoJackson,”Isaid,wishinginviewoftonight’s
fiascothatIhadn’t.“Asyouknow,thecontractstatesthatwhenitcomestomen,Ican
onlyeverbeseenoutinpublicwithhimuntilthecontracthasrunitscourse.Ineedto
honorthat.Ihopeyouunderstand.”
“Iunderstand,”hesaid.
“It’snotthatIdon’twantto,Austin.It’sthatIcan’t.”
“No,Igetit,”hesaid.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tbedisappointed.It’sbeenalong
timesinceI’vemetsomeoneasinterestingasyou,Sienna.You’resmart,you’requickon
yourfeet,andyouwalkedovercoalstonightforJacksonasiftheheatbarelytouchedyou.
I’dliketogettoknowyoubetter,butifIhavetowait…”Hepausedforamomentand
shrugged.“ThenIguessI’llhavetowait.”
“Ifthiscityhadadrive-thrurestaurantandwecouldparksomewhere,Iprobablycould
getawaywiththat,”Isaid.
Hehesitatedbeforehesaid,“Ithinkit’sbestifIgetyouhome.”
“Howaboutthis?”Isaid.“Ifyoustillfindmeinterestingeightmonthsfromnow,how
aboutifwehaveaburgerandfriesthen?OrmaybesoonerifIcansomehowgetoutof
thiscontracttomorrow.Trustme,afterwhathappenedtonight,I’mgoingtotryto.”
WhenIsaidthat,helookedoverhisshoulderatme.“Consideritadate,”hesaid.“Just
letmeknowwhenandwhere,andtrustmeonthis—I’llbethere.”
CHAPTERSEVEN
Atfive-thirtythenextmorning,mycellrangonmybedsidetable.Withasenseofdread,I
lookedoveratmyphonetoseewhowascalling,eventhoughIalreadyknewitwouldbe
HarperCarmichael.
Anditwas.
“Hi,Harper,”Isaidmeekly.
Pleasedon ’t filetmerightnow.Ihaven ’t hadmycoffeeyet.
“Andhello,Jesus!”shesaidwhenIansweredthephone.“Areyouawake?BecauseI
reallyneedyoutobeawakeforthis.”
Whydidshesoundsoexcited?EversinceI’dgonetobed,I’dbeenexpectingherto
rantatmewhenshereadthenewsanddecidedtocall.
“I’mawake,”Isaid,“butnotexactlyrested,becauseforthelifeofme,Icouldn’tgetto
sleeplast—”
“Stop!”shesaid.“Justlistentome.”
“Listentowhat?”Isaid.
“Areyousittingdown?”
“Actually,I’mlyingflatonmyback.”
“Evenbetter.”
“Whyareyousoworkedup?”Iasked.
“Idon’tknow,Sienna—maybebecauseyou’retrendingonTwitter?”
“I’mtrendingonwhat?”
“Twitter!”shesaid.
Isatupinbed,proppedafewpillowsbehindmyback,andranahandthroughmyhair
asItriedtoshakeofftheremnantsofwhatlittlesleepI’dgotten.“Afterlastnight,Ican’t
imaginethat’sagoodthing.”
“Partsofitaregood,partsofitarepureshit—butapparentlythatoldadageremains
truetothisday.”
“Whatoldadage?”
“Unlessyou’reinvolvedinsomethingtrulyawful—whichyouweren’tlastnight,
despitehowhorribletheopticslook—there’snosuchthingasbadpresswhenitcomesto
thisbusiness,asyou’llsoonfindout.Ineedyouinmyofficeateight.Wehavetotalk.”
“Ateight?”Isaid.“Whytherush?”
“Seriously,Sienna?That’syourquestionafteryoureveningofabjectruinand
humiliationwithJacksonlastnight?”
Whenshesaidthat,Iclosedmyeyesandfeltmystomachsink.“Itriedtostophim
fromdrinking,Harper,buthewouldn’tstop.Hejustkeptthrowingbackonedrinkafter
theother.Ididmybest,butheshutmedownateveryturn.”
“Iknowthestory.AustinrelayedittoMimi.AndMimijustrelayedittome.Thatsorry
littleheatheneventriedtoblameyouforwhathappened.”
“Shetriedtoblameme?”Isaid,enraged.“How?Why?WhatthehelldidIdo?Ionly
triedtostophim,forGod’ssake!”
“Don’tworryaboutit,”shesaid.“I’vealreadytakenherdowntoherpittedknees.
Thingsgotheatedbetweenus,astheygenerallydobecauseofourtoxicpast,butinthe
end,Iwon—asIalwaysdowhenitcomestoher.She’llneverbeasquickasIam,Sienna.
Orassmart.AfterIletherhaveit,Mimireluctantlyagreedthatwhathappenedlastnight
isinfactonJacksonandnotonyou.”
“Lastnightwasanightmare,Harper.”
“I’veseenthevideos,”shesaid.“Icanonlyimaginehowdifficultlastnightwasfor
you.Butyou?Youhandledyourselfbeautifully.Andbravaforthat,mydarlinggirl,
becauseJacksonputyouinatoughspot.”
“Thevideos,”Isaidwithagroan.“Peoplewereusingtheircellphonestovideouslast
night.So,letmeguess—oneormoreofthosevideosarecirclingnow,right?Whichisthe
reasonI’mtrendingonTwitter.”
“AsIspeak,fivevideoshavebeenpublished,”shesaid.“Allfromdifferentviewpoints.
Andtherewilllikelybemoretocome.Andyes,allofthemhavegoneviral.Yourfirst
datewithJacksonCruisehasturnedouttobeonefortherecordbooks,especiallysince
Jacksontoppledoverthatgoddamnedtable.AndatPerSe,ofallplaces!Buttellmethis,
becauseIneedallthefireIcanbringtothetablewhenMimilandsinmyofficelaterthis
morning.”
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“DespitewhatyousaidwhenJacksonwentdown,hedidn’tfalloverbecauseoffood
poisoning,didhe?”
“No,”Isaid.“Ialreadytoldyou—hegotwastedlastnight.AndbelievemewhenIsay
thatItriedmybesttostophim.Buttherewasnostoppinghim,becauseapparently
JacksonCruisedoeswhateverthehellhewants.”
“Trustme,darling,Igetit.A-liststarscanbeonemajorA-listpainintheass.”
“Doyoubelieveme?”
“Sienna,yourAmericanhorrorstoryhasbeencaughtontape,soofcourseIbelieve
you.AndI’mangrythatJacksonwouldevenallowhimselftogotheregivenhow
importantlastnightwastohim.Bydoingso,he’scastyetanothercloudofnegativity
aroundhimself,whichisterriblewhenitcomestohiscareerandhisimage.Icanonly
imaginehowfuriousyouarewithhim.”
“OnonelevelIam,butonanother,I’mnot.”
“Howcanthatbe?”
“Jacksonopeneduptomelastnight,”Isaid.“Hecomesfromabrokenfamily.With
eachdrinkhetossedback,hetoldmethingsabouthisparentsandhispastthatwere
heartbreaking.Hehasn’thadaneasylife,particularlywhenitcomestohisridiculous
family.Butdespitethat,Harper,ifJacksonhasissueswithalcohol,Idon’tthinkit’sbest
formetobeassociatedwithhim,becauseifthisiswhatthenexteightmonthslooklike
forme,Iwantnopartofit.AmIabletogetoutofthiscontract?”
“Idon’tthinkyoushould,Sienna.”
“ButIdo.”
“Look,justbehereateight,”shesaid.“Thingsarehappeningthatyouknownothing
about.”
“Whatthings?”
“I’lltellyouwhenyougethere.”
“IsAustinpickingmeup?”
“No,”shesaid.“He’stakingcareofJacksonthismorning,whoapparentlyhasthe
motherofallhangovers.Justpullyourselftogether,getsomecoffeeinyou,andtakeacab
—anddon’tyoudarebelate!”
***
BythetimeIarrivedatHarper’soffice,I’dreadthenewsandseenthevideosTMZand
countlessotheroutletswerecirculatingonline,andIwasinfuriatedthatI’dbeenputin
thisposition,especiallysincemynamewasnowbeingprominentlyassociatedwith
Jackson’s.
Forhim,theheadlinesweredemeaning.
FromTMZ:
ISJACKSONCRUISECRUISINGTOWARDREHAB?
FromPageSix:
SOMETHING’SFISHYWITHJACKSONCRUISE—
ANDIT’SNOTTHEOYSTERSATPERSE
FromtheTimes:
ANACTIONSTAR’SSTEEP,SUDDENFALL
Andthenthereweretheonesthatmentionedme.
FromtheLosAngelesTimes:
AFTERWINNINGTHEPALMED’OR,
WILLHOLLYWOODSHOWSIENNAJONESTHEDOOR?
FromVariety:
HOWWILLJACKSONGATE
AFFECTSIENNAJONES’SCHANCESOFWINNINGANOSCAR?
Andfinally,fromtheHollywoodReporter:
JACKSONCRUISEANDSIENNAJONES—
WHOWILLSURVIVETHEFALLOUT?
Accordingtothearticle,itwasn’tme.
WhenIroundedthecornerandcameuponHarper’sassistantandmybestfriend,Julia
Jacobs,shelookedupatmewiththosewide,beautifulgreeneyesofhers—andwhatIsaw
inthemwasenoughtostopmeinmytracks.Unfortunatelyforme,thoseeyeswerewider
thanusual,becausetheysentaclearmessagetome:Girl,youarefucked.
“Hi,Julia,”Isaid.
“Howareyouholdingup,sweetie?”
I’dknownJuliaeversinceI’dfirstsignedwithHarper.SheandIwerethesameage,
andwe’dbecomefastfriends—andforgoodreason.Shewassmartandwickedlyfunny,
andshelovedfashionasmuchasIdid.Tome,shewasthistall,stunning,ultrachicblond
goddessofawoman.Iadoredher.
“I’mdoingmybest,”Isaid.“You’veseenthevideos?”
Shenoddedgrimlyatme.“Handlinghimlastnightcouldn’thavebeeneasy,”shesaid.
“Itwashorrible.”
“Icanonlyimagine.Whatdoyouneedfromme?”
“CanIcallyoulater?”Iasked.“Dependingonhowtodaygoes,youmightneedtotalk
meofftheedge.”
“Icandothat,”shesaid.“I’llalwaysbehereforyou…justasyou’vealwaysbeenthere
forme.”
“Iappreciatethat,Julia.”
“It’swhatbestfriendsdo,”shesaid.
IlookedoveratHarper’scloseddoor.
“IsHarperreadyforme?”Iasked.
“Let’sjustsayshe’sreadyforyouandMimi.”
“Thisisgoingtobeashitshow,isn’tit?”
“I’dbelyingifIsaiditwasn’t,”shesaidwithasighasshestoodup.“ButwithHarper
onyourside,you’llweatherthroughthis,Sienna.Rightnow,youneedtotrustinhermore
thanyoueverhave—becauseaslongasI’veknownher,Harper’sinstinctshaverarely
beenprovedwrong.”
“I’lldothat,”Isaid.
“Good,”shesaidasshecamearoundherdeskinagorgeous,bright-yellowdressthat
huggedclosetoherridiculouscurves.“Now,let’sgetyouinside.CanIgetyousome
coffee?”
“I’dloveacup,Julia.”
“Consideritdone,”shesaid,givingmeahug.IhuggedherbackwitheverythingIhad
withininme.
“Sienna,you’regoingtobefine,”shesaid.
“Buthowdoyouknowthat?”
“BecauseI’veseenthishappenbefore,”shesaid,“withpentyofotheractors.Justlisten
towhatHarperhastosaytoyou—andgowitheverythingsherecommends.”
“Allright.”
SheopenedHarper’sdoorforme,andIsawHarperinside,pacinginfrontofherwall
ofwindowsbeforeshestoppedandturnedtome.
“I’llbebackwithyourcoffeeinaminute,”Juliasaid.
AndasIsteppedinsideattheverymomentHarper’seyesmetmine,hearingthedoor
clicksolidlyshutbehindme.
***
“Nicedress,”HarpersaidasIsteppedfartherintotheroom.“Andlookatyou,wearing
blackinthemiddleofJune.Whosefuneralareyouattending?”
“Myown?”
“Please.”Shemotionedtowardherdesk,andIsatoppositeher.“Tellmeyourversion
ofwhathappenedlastnight,”shesaid.“Allofit.”
Itoldhereverything.
“AndAustincansubstantiatethelatterhalfofyoureveningwithJacksonshouldIneed
tobringhiminonthis?”
“Hecould,”Isaid.“ButsinceheworksforJackson,andhisjobwouldbeonthelineif
herattedhimout,weneedtoconsiderthathemightchoosenottodoso.He’sprotective
ofJackson.They’refriends.”
“Actually,Idisagreeabouthowhe’dapproachthis,becauseIknowAustinisan
honorableman.Ifwehaveto,we’llbringhimintotheconversation.Butsinceyou
broughtupthewholeworking-for-Jacksonthing,here’swhatyouneedtoknowabout
AustinBlack,Sienna.He’ssogoodatwhathedoesthathe’sliterallysoughtafterby
dozensofcelebrities—manyofwhomwouldkilltohavehimworkingtheirsecurity
detail.Itisn’thewhoneedsJackson.It’stheotherwayaround,becauseAustinisthatwell
regarded—fortheveryreasonsyouwitnessedlastnight.”
Inmorewaysthanone,IthoughtwhenIrecalledhismassagingmyfeetbeforehe
helpedmeintomyshoes.
Atthatmoment,aknockcameatthedoor.
“Yes,Julia?”
“CoffeeforSienna,”shesaidassheenteredtheroom.
“Thankyou,Julia,”Isaidasshehandedmeasteamingwhitemug.
“Anythingforyou,doll.”
Whensheleft,IturnedtoHarper.
“I’mbeingsmearedbythepressforsomebodyelse’sactions.IneedtoknowwhetherI
cangetoutofthiscontract.BecauseifIcan,Iwanttobeoutofittoday.”
“Notsofast,”shesaid.“Here’swhatIwantedtotellyoutoyourface.Eversinceyou
andJacksonstarteddominatingtheentertainmentcyclethismorning,myphoneandmye-
mailhavebeenblowingup.Fivetopdirectorshavealreadysentinscriptsforyour
consideration.AndIhaveafeelingthatifIwentovertocheckmye-mailnow,there’dbe
more.”
“Buthowcanthatbe?”Iaskedinwonderment.“Lastnightwasatotaldisasterforme!”
“Maybewhenitcomestothemasses,yes,butsoonthey’lljustbehookedonanother
story.Butwhenitcomestothisbusiness?Notsofast,darling.Inanimpossiblesituation,
youshowedthesuitsofHollywoodthatyoucanhandleyourselfwithpoise.Andinthat
situation,youprovedtoeveryonethatyouarequickonyourfeet.”
“Then,whyisVarietyquestioningmychancesofreceivinganOscarnod?”
“Ha!”shesaid.“Considerthatheadlinenothingmorethanclickbait,becauseeven
Varietyneedstocomeupwithsalaciousheadlinestogettraffictoitssite.Buttoanswer
yourquestionaboutwhypeoplearesendingyouscripts—it’ssimple:you’reattachedto
JacksonCruise.Regardlessoftheasshemadeofhimselflastnight—andthescrutiny
surroundinghissexuality—heneverthelessremainsamajorA-listactor,Sienna.Andthen
therearethevideos.Inone,youfiercelyconfrontedthepapsandinsistedthatyouwereno
one’sbeard.Whetheryouknowitornot,thatwasabrilliantmoveonyourpart,because
youansweredadirectquestionaboutJackson’ssexuality—andyouweresoangryand
believableinthatmomentthatyouliterallyownedit.Inthesecondvideo,youwerejustas
believablewhenyouquestionedaloudwhetherJacksonhadfoodpoisoning.It’sbecause
ofhowyouhandledyourselfinthosetwovideosthatyouareoneveryone’sradarright
now,especiallyafteryourrecentwinatCannes.Mybetisthateveryonewhomattersin
Hollywoodisnowacutelyawareofthatwinandthattheydon’tgiveadamnaboutyour
relationshiptoatroubledactionstar.”
“Then,proveit,”Isaid.“Ifyouthinkotherscriptsarewaitingforme,checkyoure-
mailnow.”
“Sienna,Ijustcheckedittenminutesbeforeyousteppedin.”
Iglanceddownatmywatch.“Andwe’vebeentalkingfortwentyminutes.Checkit,
Harper.Ifanyotherpeoplehavereachedouttoyouconcerningme,Iwanttoknow.”
“Well,you ’ recertainlybossythismorning.”
“Idon’tmeantobe.It’sjustthatafterseeingthosevideosandreadingthestoriesthat
accompaniedthem—nottomentionsomeoftheheadlines,whichcalledmeoutbyname
—I’mfeelingreallyvulnerablerightnow.”
“Tobeexpected,”shesaidassheleanedtowardhercomputer.Andwhenshestartedto
clickhermouseandreade-mailsIcouldn’tsee,aslowsmilebegantospreadacrossher
face.
“Oh,my,”shesaidwithasenseofexcitementinhervoice.“Spielberg,”shesaid.“And
Tarantino,whohasn’tmadeafilminyears.Andoneofthegreatestdirectorsofalltime—
Scorsese.Allarereachingouttomebecauseoftheirinterestinyou.”
“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Isaid.
“Wouldyouliketolookatmyscreen?”
“Seriously?”Isaidtoher.“Spielberg?Scorsese?”
“AndTarantino.”Hereyesbrightenedwhenshelookedatme.“Despitewhathappened
lastnight,you’renotonlytrendingonTwitter,darling,you’realsotrendingwiththetitans
ofHollywood.AllthiscomesdowntoyourtiestoJacksonandhowwellyouhandled
yourselfinthevideosthatarenowcirculating.Bytheendoftheday,Iseeseveraloffers
comingyourway.Hell,Iseeyoubookedtodomoviesforthenextseveralyears.So,what
Ineedtoaskyouissimple—doyoustillwanttobeattachedtoJacksonCruise?”
“Hell,no,”Isaid.“Thatmanisanightmare.”
“Look,”shesaidwithasigh.“JacksonCruisehasneverbeenassociatedwithadrinking
problem.As.In.Never.AsfarasI’mconcerned,hegotloadedlastnightbecausethispast
weekfinallycaughtupwithhim.Fromapersonalperspective,Igetit—youwantout.But
fromacareerperspective,youactuallyhadthegoodfortuneofbeingJackson’sdateon
theverynighthehitrockbottom.Thepress’sattentionmightseemnegativetoyou,butI
knowhowHollywoodworks.Andobviously,fromthescriptsI’vebeensentalone,
they’reimpressedbywhattheysawinyoulastnight.Manywanttoworkwithyounow.
AsforyourconcernsaboutbeingconnectedwithJackson,don’tworryaboutit,because
laterthismorning,MimiandIplantogethiminline.Wemighthavehadourlittle
argument,butevensheknowsthatsheneedstogetthroughtohimbeforehethrowsaway
hiscareer.”
Ilookedatherovermycoffee.“Harper,Idon’thaveawayoutofthiscontractevenifI
wantedtogetoutofit,doI?”
“Nottechnically,”sheadmitted.“Althoughifyouwerestupidenoughtogetoutofit,I
probablycouldmakeithappenforyou—butjustsoyoudon’tforget,intheprocessyou’d
beforfeitingtenmilliondollars.Thinkaboutthatforaminute.”
Thattenmilliondollarswouldsetmefree,Ithoughtruefully.MaybeHarperandMimi
cansetJacksonstraight.Maybelastnightwasjustaone-off.Maybeitwon ’t happen
again …
“Allright,”Isaid.“I’llstayin.Butyouhavetodosomethingabouthisbehavior,
Harper,becausethatcan’thappenagain.”
Aknockcameatthedoor.Harperlookedatmeassherose,andasIwatchedhersquare
hershouldersintheredpowersuitshewaswearing,Isawhereyesnarrowbeforeshe
liftedherchinatme.
“ThatwillbeJackson,Mimi,andAustin,”shesaidtome.“Areyoureadyforthem?”
“Why?HaveyoujustturnedintoThor?”
“IpreferWonderWoman.”
“Actually,it’smoreliketheBlackDeath,becauseyoureyeshavejustgonecompletely
dark.”
“That’sonlybecauseyou’veneverseenmegotowarbefore—orjusthowmuchIget
offonit.Butyou’reabouttoseethatnow,Sienna,sostrapyourselfin,sweetie.”Sheput
onehandonherhipandturnedsmartlytowardthedoor.“Julia?”shecalledout.“Send
themin.”
CHAPTEREIGHT
Andintheycame.
FirsttherewasMimi,alsodressedinaredpowersuit.Shestoppedcoldwhenshesaw
thatherformerpartnerofeightyearswasalsowearingone.
“Seriously?”shesaid.“Really,Harper?”
“Iworeitfirst,”Harpersaid.
“Thehellyoudid—Iwasupanddealingwiththisfiascoatfive.”
“Ha!”Harpersaid.“You’resuchalayabout,Mimi,youreallyare.Iwasinfullmakeup
andhairandfieldingcallsatfour.”
“Icallbullshitonthat,”Mimisaidassheglidedintotheroom.Austincameinbehind
her,andIthoughthelookedhandsomeinhisblacksuit.“BecauseIknowyoubetterthan
that.”
“That’stheproblem,”HarpersaidasImetAustin’seyesandnoddedathimwhilehe
discreetlyrolledhisowneyesatme.“Youneverreallyknewmeatall,darling.”
WhydoIfeelasifI ’ve knownhimforyears?IwonderedasHarperandMimi
bickered.WhydidIfeelthisstrangeconnectionwithhim?We ’ve onlyknowneachother
fortwodays,forGod ’s sake.Whatitisabouthimthatcontinuestodrawmetohim?This
justisn ’t likeme …
“ThegossipIcouldspreadaboutyou,”Mimisaid.
“ThehorrorstoriesIcouldtellaboutyou.”
BeforeMimicouldretaliate,Harperlookedoveratthedoor,wheretherewasnosignof
Jackson.“WhereisJackson,Mimi?”Harpersaid.“Hidingsomewhere?Standingonthe
precipiceofabridge,consideringwhethertoenditall?Orishejustdrowninghissorrows
atsomesordidbarinHell’sKitchen?”
IsawMimishootHarperdownwithasearingglancebeforeshecalledoutforJackson
tocomeinside.Andfrankly,Icouldn’tblameMimifordoingso.JacksonCruisewas
likelyherbiggestclient,andIknewforafactthatMimicouldn’tallowJacksontobe
mistreatedbyHarpernow.Becauseifhedidn’tfeelsafehere,hecouldfireMimionthe
spotandwalkstraightintoanotheragency,oneaspowerfulasCAA’stopcompetitor,
ICM.
“Sorry,”Jacksonsaidasheenteredtheroomwearingtight-fittingjeans,anavy-blueT-
shirt,anddarkaviatorsunglasses,whichhelikelywaswearingtoconcealhisbloodshot
eyes.“IwastalkingwithJulia.”
“Ofcourseyouwere,”Mimisaid.“She’salovelygirl,isn’tshe?Sobright.Sopositive.
Sofilledwithapromisethatwilllikelygounfulfilled,becauseHarperherenever
promotesanyone.Instead,shejuststealsawaypeople’sdreams.Anyway,howaboutif
youclosethedoorbehindyou?Thenthefourofuscansitdownandtalkaboutlastnight
andstrategizeonhowwegoforwardfromhere.”
“Thefourofus?”Harpersaid.“Austinishere,Mimi,andhemakesfive.Sincehe
witnessedagooddealofwhathappenedlastnight,healsoneedsaseatatthetable.”
“Austinhasaconfidentialitycontractheneedstohonorwithmyclient,”Mimisaid.
“Sorry,toots.Naturally,Austiniswelcometostaybecauseweadorehim.Butit’lljustbe
thefourofusdiscussinglastnight.”
“Thensitonthatsofa,”Harpersaid,pointingtotheoneatherright.Itfacedthesofa
oppositeit.“Thistime,I’llsitwithmyclientaloneontheothersofa,Mimi.”
“Asyoushould.Jackson?”shesaid.“Comehere,love.SitnexttoMimi.”
AsIstoodandlookedoveratJackson,intendingtosaygoodmorningtohim,he
behavedasifIwasn’teventhere.Infact,afterIsmiledathim,hechosenotto
acknowledgemeatall,whichinfuriatedme.
Attheveryleast,youcouldbepolite,Jackson,IthoughtasIglaredathim.Especially
afterIsavedyourasslastnight.
“So,”HarpersaidwhenI’dsatdownnexttoherandcrossedmylegs.“Lastnight
certainlycausedastir,didn’tit?”
“Jacksonwaspollutedbysourshellfish,”Mimisaid.“Imean,Siennaherselfcalledit
outforwhatitwas.We’veallseenthevideosbynow.HewaspoisonedbyPerSe!”
Seriously,Ithought.She ’s goingtocontinuetodenywhathappenedlastnight?Not
withmeinthisroom,shewasn ’t.
“That’snottrue,”Isaid.
“Well,ofcourseit’strue,”Mimisaid.
“I’mafraiditisn’t.DespitemybesteffortstokeepJacksonfromgettingdrunklast
night,hedrankthreebourbonsinarowbeforeImadehimhandoverhisfourthtome.
AndonlymomentsafterItookthatoneawayfromhim,hereachedforitanddownedit.
Hegotshitfacedlastnight.”
IwasexpectingareactionfromJacksonwhenIsaidthat,buthedidn’tgivemeone.
Instead,hejuststartedtorubhislefttempleindeep,slowcircles,likelyinaneffortto
easehisheadache.
“But,Sienna…”Mimitittered.
“Mimi,”Jacksonwarnedinalowvoice.
“No,no,it’sfine,Jackson,”shesaidasshepattedhisknee.“Asyouknow,it’sallon
video.Youweren’tdrunklastnight—Siennasaidsoherselfinthevideosthatare
circulatingrightnow.Shesaidthatyouwerehavingareactiontotheoysteryou’djust
eaten.It’sonrecord.”
“IonlysaidthatasafavortoJackson,”Isaid.
“AsafavortoJackson?”Mimisaidinaweirdlyhigh-pitchedvoice.“Asafavorto
JacksonCruise,whoneedsnofavorsfromanyone,leastofallfromthelikesofyou?I
mean,let’sgetrealhere,cookie.AsmallwinatCannesdoesn’tputyouathislevel.If
anything,he ’s theonedoingyouafavorgivenallthefreepressyou’vereceivedafterlast
night’slittlemisunderstanding.”Shenarrowedhereyesatme.“Icanonlyimaginehow
wellyou’rebenefitingfromthatkindofcoverage.”
“SiennathoughtfastonherfeetandhelpedJackson,”Harpersaid.“Bothyouand
Jacksonshouldbegratefulforit.”
“Grateful?”Mimisaid.“Oh,Harper,please.Theonlypersonwhoshouldbegratefulin
thisroomisSienna,notJackson.”
“Stopit!”Jacksonsaid.“Cutthebullshit,Mimi.Ihaveamovietoshootinafewhours,
andIdon’twanttodealwiththiscraprightnow.”
Whenhesaidthat,heremovedhissunglasses,andIsawjusthowredandfatiguedhis
eyeslooked.Thenhefinallylookedatme.
“Sienna,Iapologize.Mimiisjusttryingtoprotectme.It’sinhernaturetodoso,and
whileshemeanswell,I’mnotgoingtoletherrewritehistoryjustsoIcansaveface.
Especiallysinceeveryoneinthisroomalreadyknowsthetruthofwhatwentdownlast
night.”
HeglancedoveratAustin,whowasstandingatthetallwindowsthatoverlookedthe
city.
“Onthedriveoverhere,AustinandItalked,andIagreewithhim,”Jacksonsaid.“I
oweyouanapology,Sienna.I’msorry.Butafterthepressquestionedwhetheryouwere
myfuckingbeard—whichtheydid—itupsetme,becauseIworriedthat’showtheywere
goingtostarttospinourstory.Ididn’thandleitwell,andIstartedtodrinkheavily.Iwant
tothankyoufortryingtoprotectmeandforbeingquickenoughtoblamemybehavioron
theshellfish.Ioweyouforthat.YouandAustindidyourbesttohandlemelastnight.I
gotplastered,eachofyoutookcareofme,andtheramificationsaremyown.”
“Iappreciatetheapology,Jackson,”Isaidtohim.“ButbeforewearrivedatPerSelast
night,youmusthaveknownthepapsweregoingtogetintothegutterwhenitcameto
you,especiallysincethatwasyourfirstofficialappearanceafterthoseunwantedphotosof
youwentviral.You’reaprofessional.Youshouldhavepreparedyourselfforthat.Why
didn’tyou?”
“Listentohowshetalkstohim,”Mimisaid.“Listentohowshejudgeshim!It’sasif
shebelievesshe’sinapositiontoevendoso!”
“Actually,sheis,”Harpersaid.“Siennahasherowncareertoconsider,Mimi.Going
forward,shehaseveryrighttoknowwhetherthiswillhappenagain.”
“Itwon’t,”Jacksonsaidasheturnedtofaceme.“ButIgetit,Sienna.Ifyouwantout
ofthecontract,you’llgetnoargumentfromme,andtherewillbenohardfeelings.Mimi
canalwaysfindsomebodyelseforme.YoucankeepthemoneyI’vealreadygivenyou,
andthatwillbethat.”
HarperlookedatJacksonandspoketohiminaquietvoice.“Jackson,Siennahasno
planstocontestyourcontract.”
Helookedatherinsurprise.
“Shedoesn’t?”
“Shedoesn’t.Despitelastnight,she’sagreedtocontinuetogivethisherbestshot,
becauseshedoeswanttohelpyou,forreasonsthatarepersonaltoher.Asyouknow,she’s
workedasamodelforyears.Andbecauseofthat,manyofherfriendsaregay.Shehates
howyou’vebeensmearedbythepress.Shewantstohelpyou.Butwealsowanttomake
surethiswon’thappenagain.Canyoupromiseherthat?”
Atthat,helookedmestraightintheeyesandsaid,“Ican.I’msorrythatithappenedat
all.Itwon’thappenagain.”
He ’s tellingthetruth,IthoughtasIlookedhim.Icanhearitinhisvoice,seeitinhis
eyes …
“Then,that’senoughforme,”Isaid.“I’llcontinuetosupportyou,Jackson.Hopefully
lastnightwasnothingmorethananunfortunateblip.AndasmuchasIwishithadn’t
happened,Idogetit,Jackson.Ican’timaginethepressureyou’reunderrightnow.Butif
wearetogoingtotrytoconvincetheworldthatwe’refallinginlove,youandIneedto
worktogethertomakethathappen.Deal?”
“Deal,”hesaidashestood.“Now,givemeahug,becauseIreallyamsorry,Sienna.”
Whenhetookmeintohisarms,Ifelthisvulnerabilitypulsethroughme.Iknewhe
didn’twanttosharethatwithanyoneinthisroom,andthatmademyheartgoouttohim.
Washecapableofpullinghimselftogether?Hopefullyhewas,becausehewasagood
actor.Ifhewaswillingandemotionallyabletoseethisthroughtotheend,Ifeltwecould
ridethisout.
Butstill …
“Nomoredrinking,”Isaidinhisear.
“Nomoredrinking.”
“Becauseweneedtoturnthisaroundforyou,right?”
“Wedo.”
“Thenlet’sstartoveragain.Let’smaketheworldbelievethatyouandIareperfectfor
oneanother,andhopefullyineightmonths’time,whenwe’veamicablypartedways,I
hopethatanyspeculationaboutyoursexualitywillbebehindyouandthatbothofuscan
moveforwardwithourlives.”
“Ihopeforthesame,”hesaid.
Whenweparted,IcaughtsightofAustin,whowaslookingintentlyatmewitheyes
thatweresodarktheyburnedintome.
Andunnervedme.
“Austin,”Harpersaid.“DoyouhavethenumbertoSienna’scell?”
“Actually,Idon’t,”hesaid.
“Thenyouneedtohaveit.”
“Why?”Mimiasked.“AustinworksforJackson.”
“AndalsoforSienna,whichisinthecontract.IfSiennaseesanythingoutoflinewhen
itcomestoJacksonthatmightgiveherconcern,she’sgoingtoneedtoreachouttoAustin
sowecangetaheadofthingsquickly.”
“ButSiennacansimplyreachouttome,”Mimisaid.
“Whatifyou’rewithanotherclient?”Harperasked.“Orwhatifyou’reinameeting?
AustinisalwayswithJackson.He’sthemorelogicalpersonforhertocallortotextif
there’sanotherslip.”
“Exchangenumbers,”Jacksonsaid.
“Jackson,I’llalwaysbethereforyou,”Mimisaid.
“Iunderstandthat,Mimi,butHarperhasapoint.”HelookedfromAustintomeand
backagain.“Exchangenumbers.”
Wedid.Andwhenwedid,itdidn’tescapemethatAustinBlacknowhadtotalaccessto
meinwayshe’dneverhadbefore.
CHAPTERNINE
NewYorkCity
July
Thenextthreeweekswereawhirlwindofeventsthatweresocarefullytimedand
choreographedthattheytookmeoutofmybodyandvaultedmeintofull-onstardom—
whichlookedverydifferenttomenowthanthedayI’dfirstagreedtosignthatcontract
withJackson.
WithHarper,Mimi,andAustinworkingalongsideJacksonandme,ittookusafull
weektogetbeyondthequestionssurroundingthevideoscapturedatPerSe—andthe
questionsswirlingaroundJackson’ssexuality—andbeforenoisearoundeachstartedto
settledownandabate.
WithHarperandMimiworkingthephonestotipoffthepaparazziwhenJacksonwould
endfilmingforthedayandspendtimewithme,wewereliterallyphotographedallover
thecity.
Asvideocamerasrolledandcamerasflashed,wewere“caught”shoppingonFifth,we
werephotographedholdinghands,lookingasifwewerefallinginloveaswestrolled
throughCentralPark,andweenjoyedourfirstpublickissonasidewalkintheEast
Village.Allofitwasdesignedtoprovidecontentforthegossiprags,socialmediaoutlets,
andthousandsofentertainmentsitesallovertheworldsothemassescoulddissectour
relationship—anddiscussit.
Andtheydid,withafervorthatsurprisedme.Alargepartofmewasstillthatgirlfrom
Dubuque,Iowa,whohadoncelongedforthiskindoflifeandwhocouldn’tbelieveshe
wasnowlivingit.
InowunderstoodthefullweightofJackson’sinternationalstarpower.Inowhadan
ideaofthekindofmicroscopehe’dbeenlivingunderforthepastthirteenyears,ever
sincehisfirstmoviehadlaunchedhimintothestratosphere.Sincepublicinterestinour
buddingrelationshipwasridinghigh,entertainmentreporterswereunrelentingintheir
coverageofus.Eachday,theypublishedfreshstoriesaboutJacksonandmetoapublic
insatiableformore.
Forme,fashionbecameacriticalpartofmylife,becauseeverythingIworewas
quicklysensationalizedandscrutinized.
Thepresschronicledallofit,andsincenotingeverydetailofhowIpresentedmyselfto
theworldrapidlybecamea“thing,”itdroveHarperandmetoseveraldiscreetshopping
spreesatBergdorf’s,Prada,Dior,andahostofothereliteoutletsinthecitytoensurethat
Ilookedmybest.
MyfakerelationshipwithJacksonwasheatinguptothepointthatnow,whenIsatin
frontofmyiMaceachmorningtoreadtheonlineentertainmentfeeds,Isawthatpeople
werequestioningwhenJacksonandIwouldgetmarried,whichseemedabsurdtome.
We’donlybeen“seeing”eachotherforlessthanamonth,andalreadytherewas
speculationaboutawedding.Butisn’tthatwhatpeoplelikeJLo,Rihanna,andDrake
wentthroughwhenevertheystartedtoseesomeonenew?Itwas—andIneededtoget
usedtoit.
DuetomyassociationwithJackson,singlewomeninparticularwerefixatedonme,
andforonereasonalone.Trackingshowedthattheythoughtifanobodylikemecould
landoneoftheworld’sbiggeststars,thenatveryleasttherewashopetheycouldfindlove
—buthow?ShouldtheyweartheirhairthewayIworemyhair?Shouldtheymaxout
theircreditcardsandbuythesamepairofjeansIwasjustphotographedwearing?Since
SiennaJoneslovedtowearaboldredlip,shouldtheywearonethemselves?
JacksonandIweren’tjustsellingourselvestotheworld.Itsoondawnedonmethatwe
werealsosellinghopetomillionsofwomenaroundtheworldwhowantedtosnagaman
ashotashewas.Andmaybesomeofthemwould—buteveniftheydidn’t,atthevery
least,mostwouldcomeawaywithafewfashiontipsbythetimeJacksonandIwentour
separateways.
AndIwasOKwiththat.
HarperandIwerealsoawareofanothertruth.Duetoallthepresscoverage,mycareer
wasexploding.
AlreadyIwasscheduledtoshootthreemoviesoverthenexttwoyears,thefirstwith
MartinScorsesehimself.Beyondthat,Tarantinohadpassedonme,butSpielberghadn’t.
NextyearI’dstarinaWorldWarIdramawithhim.Andinthesameyear,I’dworkwith
ChristopherNolaninoneofthetwisty,mind-bendingthrillersforwhichhewasknown.
Throughoutthisstuntofours,thereweretimesI’dfeltontopoftheworld,particularly
sincetheactingcareerI’dalwayslongedforwasactuallytakingshape.Buttherewere
othertimeswhenIwasfrightenedbythefame,particularlyasIwatchedmyprivatelife
erode.WhenAustindrovemehomeatnightafteradayofbeingphotographedwith
Jackson,sometimesIthoughtI’dneverfeltmoreisolatedoralonedespitehowalive,
happy,andinloveIlookedtotheworldatlarge.
Theironywasn’tlostonme.
“Sienna?”Austinsaidtomenow.
Itwasevening.I’djusthaddinnerwithJacksonattheMillingRoomontheUpperWest
Side,andAustinwasdrivingmehomeforthenightafterthepapshadcapturedJackson
givingmeasearingkissgoodnightwhenwe’ddroppedhimathisapartment.
Overthepastthreeweeks,AustinandIhadcometoknowoneanothermuchbetter,but
sinceIdidn’ttrustmyselfaroundhim—becauseIcouldn’tdenymyattractiontohim—I’d
stonewalledhimeverytimehe’drevealedhisincreasingattractiontome.Oftenitwasjust
withatellinglook.Othertimesitwaswiththegentleyetreassuringwayhe’dtouchmy
armwhenthepaparazzibecametoomuchandhesensedIwasbecomingoverwhelmedby
them.
Likeme,hewasalsostrugglingwithourmutualattraction,whichIcouldfeelevery
timewewereneareachother.ButsinceIwasprettymuchownedbyJacksonforthenext
sevenmonths,AustinandIhaddoneourbesttobeprofessionalsandnotallowour
chemistrytoshow.AustinwasloyaltoJackson,andhewasexcellentathisjob.Inow
understoodwhyHarperhadsaidthatanyA-listcelebritywouldcravetohaveAustinand
histeamashisorherpersonalsecuritydetail.Afterseeinghiminactionthesepastfew
weeks,Igotit.
“What’sup?”Isaid.
Helookedatmeintherearviewmirror,movedtospeak,butthenshookhishead.
“Sorry,”hesaid.“It’snothing.”
“Nothingalwaysmeanssomething,”Isaid.“What’sonyourmind?”
“It’snotabigdeal.Nevermind.”
“Well,youcan’tdothattomenow,”Isaid,suddenlycurious.“Whatisit?”
“It’sjustapersonalobservation.”
Personal?Ithought.YouandIshouldgonowherenearanythingpersonal,Austin.
Still,sinceIcouldn’thelpmyselfafterbeingluredwiththatkindofbait,Inaturally
chargedforward.
“Whatisit?”Iasked.
“EverytimeI’vedrivenyouhomethisweek,you’veseemedunhappy.”
“I’veseemedunhappy?”
“Youhave.Iknowyou’regoingthroughalotrightnow.Overtheyears,I’veseen
firsthandhowisolatedJacksonfeelsattimes,buthehasmetotalkto.Iwaswonderingif
youhadanyonetotalkto,becausethisbusinesscanbetough.Youtwoareseriously
puttingyourselvesoutthererightnow.Everydayitgetsmoreandmoreintense,especially
whenyou’reoutinpublic.Itcan’tbeeasyforyou,particularlysinceyou’restillrelatively
newtoallthis.”
Hadhebeenreadingmymind?Orcoulditbethatthehighsandlowsofmylifewere
becomingcleartothoseinmyinnercircle?Likelythelatter.ObviouslyIalsoneededto
actforAustin,becausethiswasthelastconversationIwantedtohavewithhim.IfI
openeduptohim,itwouldtakeourrelationshiptoamorepersonallevel.Andifonlyfor
thesakeofmyheart,whichIhadtoprotect,Ineededtokeepourrelationshiprestrictedto
business.IfIdidn’t,itwouldjustovercomplicateeverything.
“IhaveHarper,”Isaid.“AndJulia.Wetalkeveryday.”
“Aretheyenough?Doyouhaveanyoneelseyoucantalkto?”
“Becauseofthecontract,Ican’tdiscussmyrelationshipwithJacksonwithanyonewho
doesn’tknowaboutit,”Isaid.“Remember?”
“Right,”hesaid.
“Whytheinterest,Austin?”
Helockedeyeswithmeintherearview.
“CanIbefrank?”
“Ofcourseyoucan.”
“Areyousure?”
Howbadcanitbe?
“Saywhat’sonyourmind.”
“Youlookfuckingmiserable,”hesaidinafrustratedvoice.“Andforthepastseveral
nights,nothinghaschanged.I’vebeenwatchingyou,andI’mworriedaboutyou.”
“Don’tbe,”Isaid.“I’mtougherthanyouthinkIam,Austin—andinmorewaysthan
youknow,becauseI’vegonethroughhelltogettowhereIamtoday.Icanhandlethis.”
“Canyou?Becauseaswe’vegottentoknowoneanotheroverthesepastfewweeks,it’s
hardformenottoworryaboutyouwhenIseeyoulookingsounhappy.Justamoment
ago,whenyouwerelostinthought,youlookedlikeyouwantedtojumpoutofthecarand
takethefirstflightoutoftheStates.Areyouawareofthat?”
“Notexactly…”
“Well,it’strue.Youdid.Andsincewe’rebeingfrankhere,youalsoshouldknow
somethingelse.BecauseIcan’tkeepthistomyselfanymore.”
“Whatcan’tyoukeeptoyourself?”
“ThatIcan’tgetyououtofmyhead,”hesaid.“Becauseofmyjob,I’vetriedmybest
torevealnoneofthattoyou,butIalsoknowthatIhaven’talwayssucceeded.Beingnear
youandnottellingyouhowIfeelisstartingtofeellikeafuckinglie.AndIdon’twantto
keeplyingtoyouanymore.”
“Austin,”Iwarned,“wecan’tgothere.Weneedtokeepthingsprofessionalbetween
us.Wetalkedaboutthisweeksago,whenyouaskedifI’dliketogrababurgerwithyou.I
thoughtthiswassettled.”
“BackthenIdidn’tknowyouaswellasIdonow.Butoverthesepastfewweeks,look
athowwellwe’vecometoknowoneanother.WheneverItakeyouhomefortheday,we
talk.Andatthispoint,we’vesharedsomuchwithoneanotherthatIfeelasifIknowyou.
Therealyou.Yes,we’vemadeanefforttokeepthingslight,butthateffortisstartingto
eatawayatme.Tellmeitisn’tdoingthesametoyou.”
Startledbywhathewassaying,Isaidnothing.
“Look,Sienna,IknowI’mgoingoutonalimbhere,butlifeistooshortnottoadmit
thatIhaven’tfeltthiswaytowardawomaninyears.I’mattractedtoyou.Beyondthat,
JacksonwillneverfeelwhatIfeelforyoubecausehe’sgay.Andyouknowwhat?Ialso
sensethatyou’reattractedtome.Infact,Iknowyouare,becauseIseeitonyourface
whenyoustealglancesmywaywheneverwe’retogether.Icanseeitinyoureyeswhen
youthinkI’mnotlookingatyoubecauseI’mwearingsunglasses.Ican’tstandallthe
thingsthataregoingunsaidbetweenus,whichiswhyI’mopeninguptoyounow.Iwant
thechancetogettoknowyoubetter,andIdon’twanttowaitanothersevenmonthstodo
so.Therearewaysforustobediscreet,andyoucantrustmeonthat—especiallysince
I’vesuccessfullyconcealedplentyofJackson’srendezvousovertheyears.Icantellyou
withcertaintythatifyou’dgivemeachanceandgooutononedatewithme—justone—
nobodywouldknowaboutit.”
“Youcan’tguaranteethat,Austin,”Isaid.“WithsomuchattentionfocusedonJackson
andmerightnow,neitherofusknowswhenorifaphotographerwillbewaitingoutside
myapartmentonenight,hopingI’llbeenteringitwithJackson.Andbecauseyoucan’t
protectmefromthat,seeingyouisn’tachanceIcantake.”
“Idisagree,”hesaid.
“I’msorry,butIdon’t.”
“Sienna,whatI’mproposingisdinneratmyapartment,notoutinpublic.Comparedto
Jacksonandyou,I’manobody,forGod’ssake.I’masecurityguard.Andbecauseofthat,
nopapshaveeverwaitedformeatmyapartment.ButsinceIunderstandyourconcern
aboutbeingexposed,Ihaveawaytogetyouintomyapartmentwithoutyoureverbeing
seenorfollowed.”
“How?”Iasked.
Hetoldmehow—andIhadtoadmititwasingenious.
“I’veseenyourschedulefortomorrow,”hesaidaswenearedmyapartmentbuilding.
“Jacksonisshootingallday.You’llbeonsetwithhimforafewhoursinthemorning,but
that’sit.You’refreeallevening.Samegoesforme.Havedinnerwithme.”
Iwantto,IthoughtasIstudiedhisdeterminedprofilefromtheseatbehindhim.More
thanyouknow,becauseI ’d alsoliketoseeifI ’m justphysicallyattractedtoyouorif
whatI ’m feelingissomethingdeeper.Butwhycan ’ twejustwaittofindout?
IstoppedmyselfwhenIthoughtthat,becauseIknewthatifIdidwait,therewasevery
possibilitythathecouldmeetsomebodyelseinthemeantime.Andwhatifhefellforher?
Whatthen?IfIdidn’tagreetothis,ImightneverknowifI’dmissedoutonsomething
great.
Reasonwithhim …
“Austin,thekindofmoneyJacksonisofferingmewillchangemylife.I’vebeenpoor
forsolongthatIcan’triskthat.Ineedyoutounderstandthat.”
“So,letmebeclearonthis,”hesaid.“Areyousayingthatyou’reaprisonerinthis
contract?Thatyou’reunabletoseefriendsattheirapartment?Becauseatthispoint,that’s
allweare,Sienna—friends.”
“Ifwewerefoundout,itcouldbeinterpretedassomethingelse,andHarper,Mimi,and
Jacksonwouldhavemyass.Theymightseeitasabreachofcontract.”
“NotifItoldthemthatyouwerefeelingoverwhelmedandhadcometomeseeking
adviceonhowtodealwiththepaps.”
“So,we’retolietothem?”
“Howisthatalie?Youareoverwhelmedrightnow.Allofusknowit.”
Iwas.Itwastrue.Andeveryonedidknowit.Wasthatthewayaroundthis?Ithought
aboutitforamoment…anddecidedthatitwas.
Ifyou ’re goingtodothis,doitwithhumortolightenthemood …
“Firstthingsfirst,”Isaidtohim.
“What’sthat?”
“Seriously?Isn’titobvious?”
“Shoulditbeobvious?”
“Oh,comeon—naturallyI’mwonderingifyoucook.Becauseaftersomanyyearsof
havingtoeatonthecheap…letmetellyoualittlesecret,Austin.Thesepastfewweeks
withJacksonhavespoiledthehelloutofme.Imean,whowouldeverhavethoughtthat
someonelikemewouldfindthemselveshavingdinnerattheFourSeasons,forinstance?I
mean,let’sgetrealhere.Ispentmyentireyouthshovelingcowandchickenshit.Before
Jacksoncameintomylife,grabbingapretzelfordinneratsomeshadystreetvendorwas
thewayIusedtoroll.”
“Thatcan’tbetrue,”hesaidwithalaugh.
“Andthereyougo—laughingatmyshame.”
“Toeaseyourfears,youshouldseehowwellIcook.”
“Whattypesofcuisineshaveyoumastered?”
“Younameit,”hesaid.“Icandoanything.”
“Anything?”Isaid.“WiththeexceptionofMerylStreep,whocandoanything?”
Helookedoverhisshoulderandclockedmewithawickedgrin.“Me,”hesaid.
“BecausewhatI’vereallymasteredistheartoftakeout.Andwhenitcomestothiscity,I
knowexactlywhotocallforthebestofthebest.Youwantasliceofpizzathatwillblow
youaway?I’vegotyoucovered.LoveThai?I’lltireyououtwiththecity’sbestThai.
Voulez-vousquelquechosedefran çais? Jepeuxaussiletrouver.”
“YouspeakFrench?”Iasked.
“It’saromancelanguage.NaturallyIspeakFrench.AndItalian.Mytongueistalented
thatway.”
He ’s quick,Ithoughtasdesireburnedthroughme.Andfunny.Andsmart.
“Sienna,whateveryouwantisatmyfingertips.Youjustneedtoaskforit.”
That ’s whatI ’m afraidof,Austin.YourfingertipsandwhereImightwantthemonmy
bodyifIagreetogothroughthiswithyou …
Still,sinceIwantedtolivemylifewithoutregrets,IknewIdidhavetogothrough
withthis,ifonlytoseeifsomethingwasthere.AndImeanreallythere.Austintooksexy
tolevelsnotmanymenpossessed…atleastinmyexperience.So,eithertherewas
somethingbetweenusortherewasn’t.Ineededtofindout.Aftersomanyweeksofsexual
tensionbuildingbetweenus,itwastimetogivethisafairshot.Ifournightfellflat,we’d
simplymoveforwardasfriends.Butifitdidn’t,andwedidconnect,we’dneedtomove
forwardintotheunknown.
“Whatdoyousay?”heasked.
That ’s thething,Iwondered.CanIhandletheunknown?
“Areyouin?”
“I’mthinking.”
“Ifyouhavetothink,thenyoualreadyhaveyouranswer.”
Busted.
“OK,”Isaid.“I’min—providedyouchoosethemenuwell.”
“Butdon’tyousee?”Austinsaidashecruisedtoastopinfrontofmyapartment
building.“ThefactthatIknowhowtochoosewellhasjustbeenestablished.”
“How’sthat?”
“Havealookatmydatefortomorrownight,Sienna.”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmilewhenhesaidthat.
“So,I’llseeyoutomorrowattheshoot—andthenI’llseeyoutomorrownightfor
dinner.”
Itwasn’taquestion—itwasastatement.
Isthisreallyhappening?Iwonderedashegotoutofthecarandcamearoundtoopen
mydoorforme.PleasetellmethatIhaven ’t madeamistake …
Whenheofferedmehishand,Itookit,steppedoutofthecar,andemergedintothe
lightsandsoundsofthecity.AndasIdid,Inotonlyfelttheelectricityofhistouch,butby
standingsoclosetohimonthecurb,Icouldsmellthefaintestscentofhim.Hesmelled
distinct.Masculine.Earthy.Anditwasallhim,becauseIdidn’tdetectatraceofcologne.
“Goodnight,Sienna,”hesaidafterhe’dwalkedmetomybuilding’sentrance.
“Goodnight,Austin,”Isaid,meetinghisgazewithmyown.“I’llseeyoutomorrow.”
“Andtomorrownight?”
“Andtomorrownight.”
Andhopefullywithafreshfaceandbrighteyes.BecauseasIenteredmybuildingand
tookthestairsuptomyapartment,Ialreadyknewthattonightwouldholdnosleepfor
me.
CHAPTERTEN
AndsinceIknewsleepwouldn’tcome,themomentIsteppedintomyapartment,I
checkedmywatch,sawthatitwasjustpastnine,andIdecidedtocalltheonewomanI’d
beenfriendswithforsolongthatIcouldtrustherwithanything—JuliaJacobs,wholived
nineblocksawayfrommebutinfarbetterdigs.
“Julia?”Isaidwhensheansweredhercell.
“Hey!”shesaid.“HowwasyourdinnerwithJacksontonight?”
“Itwasgood,”Isaid.“Hecontinuestobeonpointandprofessional.Ithinkwe’reatthe
pointwherewe’rebecomingfriends.”
“Well,that’sgoodtohear,”shesaid.“Andarelief.So,you’rehome?”
“Justgothere.”
“Whydoyousoundoutofbreath?”
“Becauseshitjustgotreal.”
“Whatkindofshit?”
“Unpredictableshit.Potentiallylife-changingshit.”
“Well,shit,”shesaid.“Whatdoesthatshitevenmean?”
“Areyoubusyrightnow?BecauseIseriouslyneedtotalkwithsomeone.Iwouldn’t
askifitwasn’timportant.”
“Busy?”sheasked.“Here’show‘busy’Iam,Sienna.I’msittinginmylivingroom
watchingInaGartenteachmehowtomakemeatballstheproperway,whichapparently
meansrollingthemlightlybetweenthepalmsofyourhandssoyoudon’tcompressthem.
Becauseifyoudothat,apparentlytheygettough,whichlikelyiswhyminealwaysfeel
likeyou’rebitingintoashoe.So,I’mlearning.Andbytheway,allowmetoofficially
welcomeyouintomyfabulouslifeasasinglewomaninManhattan,whichironically
happenstobefilledwithattractive,singlemen.”
“Therightmanwillcomealongonedayforyou,Julia.You’rejustbeingcarefuland
selective,asyoushouldbe.”
“Sienna,I’mthreeyearsshyofbeingthirty.Myovariesareabouttogointohighalert.
Andjustsowe’reclear,I’mprettymuchonthevergeofsigninguptoEliteSingles.I’ve
alreadydownloadedtheapp,forGod’ssake.”
“Tellmeyouhaven’tsignedup,”Isaidinalarm.
“Ihaven’tbeenabletobringmyselftothatpoint—yet,”shesaid.
“Youwon’tdoitonmywatch,”Isaid.“Godonlyknowswhatwillcomeyourwayif
youarefoolishenoughtogothere.”
“I’vehearditcanbeafreakshow,”shesaid.
“Then,listentothecritics.WhenallthisisbehindmeandJackson,youandIcanstart
goingoutagain.Wecandothecircuitlikeweusedtodo.Maybethatway,you’llmeetan
interestingguy.”
“Sienna,you’reacelebritynow.”
“Pleasedon’tsaythat.I’mstilljustme.”
“Iknowthat’showyoufeel—andIcherishthatperson.Butlet’sfaceit—rightnowyou
areownedbytheworld,andweneedtoacknowledgethat.Becauseofyourfake
relationshipwithJackson,yourlifehaschangedforever.”
WhichisnothingIwanttofacerightnow.
“Youknowwhat?”Isaid,wantingtochangethesubject.
“What’sthat?”
“WatchingtheContessamakingmeatballsactuallysoundskindofrelaxingtome.”
“Afterwhatyou’vebeenthroughthesepastthreeweeks,Iimagineitwould.”
“Areyoufreetocomeover?”Iasked.“Foranhourorso,becauseIneedtotalkto
someonewhoissane.Andjustsoyouknow,thatpersonwouldn’tbefacingmeifIlooked
intoamirror.I’vegotwine,vodka,andtequilaattheready.Iftheydon’tenticeyou,we
cantalkbyphone.”
“Givemetwenty,andI’llbethere,”shesaid.
“Really?”Isaid.
“I’llalwayshaveyourback,Sienna.I’vehaditeversinceHarpersignedyou—justas
you’vealwayshadmine.”
“You’rethebest,”Isaid.“Thanks,lovecat.Ireallydoappreciateit!”
“That’sthethingaboutyou,Sienna,”shesaid.“Iknowthatyoudo.Seeyousoon,
OK?”
“Can’twait,”Isaid.
WhenIhungupthephone,IstillfeltoverwhelmedbyeverythingAustinhadsaidtome
inthelimousinebutbetternowthatIknewmybestfriendwascomingovertoguideme
throughallofit.
***
Twentyminuteslater,whenJuliatookthethreeflightsofstairsthatledtomycramped,
one-bedroomapartment,Isawthesheenofsweatonherfacewhenshebreezedpastme
withoutawordandinsteadwentstraightintothelivingroom,whereanairconditioner
hummedinoneofthetwowindowsthatfacedthestreet.
Shewaswearingawhitetank,cutesandals,andkhakishortsthatshowedoffherbest
assets:herlong,impossiblybeautifullegs.Sheworehershoulder-lengthblondhairoffher
neckinahighponytail,anddespitethefactthatsheworenomakeup,mygirlwasa
knockout.
“Youlookhot,”Isaidafterlockingthedoorandjoiningherinthelivingroom.
“Define‘hot’forme.”
“YouknowwhatImean.Youlookgreat.”
“WhatIamisasweatymess.”
“Atleastyoumakesweatlookgood.Notmanycan,”Isaid.
“Andlookatyou,”shesaid,turningtomewithnarrowedeyes.“Alreadyprimedwith
thecompliments.You’reeitheruptosomething…oryou’redeepintosomething.”
“Tobediscussedwhenthemomentisn’tsoheated,”Isaid.
“Thenplease,byallmeans,turnuptheair-conditioning,”shesaid.“BecauseIhavea
feelingwe’regoingtoneedit.”
“Youstilllookhot,”IsaidasIturnedtheair-conditioningonhigh.“Iespeciallylove
yoursandals.”
“I’mliterallybastinginmyownjuices,Sienna,”shesaidassheliftedherarmsabove
herheadandstartedtoturninfrontofthecoolair.“It’smurderoutthere.Ihatebeingin
thecityinJuly.IshouldbeintheHamptonsenjoyingtheoceanbreeze,butsincethat
takesthekindofmoneyIdon’thave,I’mstuckhere.”
“AndI’mgladyou’rehere,”Isaid.“Becausethatselfishlymeansyou’renearme.Can
Igetyouadrink?”
“BeforeorafterItakeacoldshower?”
“Forgetabouttheshower.Justkeepturninglikearotisserieinfrontoftheair
conditioner,andyou’llbefineinnotime.Whatwouldyoulike?”
“Isthatevenaquestion?”
“Probablynot.”
“Anice-coldmartini,please.”
“Comingup!”
WhenIwentintothekitchentomakeourdrinks,Juliacalledouttome.“Theotherday,
youmentionedsomethingaboutmoving,whichyou’llbeabletodowhenyoufinishyour
contractwithJackson.Haveyougivenanythoughttowhereyou’dliketolive?”
Idon ’t know,Julia?MaybeinAustin ’s arms?Butthat ’s stilltobedetermined …
“I’dliketostayinChelsea,”Isaid.“Ilovethisneighborhood.It’sbecomelikeasecond
hometome.”
Fromthefreezer,IremovedatrayoficecubesandabottleofAbsolutbeforegrabbing
ashakerandtwomartiniglassesfromthecupboardaboveme.Withadefthand,Istarted
tomakeourdrinks.
“I’velivedheresolongthatI’vemadefriendshere.Theareaissafe,andIknow
exactlywheretogoforanythingImightneed—fromdrycleaningtomydoctor’sofficeto
WholeFoods,whichisjustdownthestreet.WhatIneedisspace,becausethisjointisthe
sizeofamole—whichshouldbelanced,bytheway.WheneverIgotoyourapartment,I
feellikeI’mattheMET.Whatyouhaveishuge.”
“Look,Ijustgotlucky,”shesaid.“AndmightIremindyouthatittookmeafullyearto
landthatapartment?Hopefullythesamewon’tbetrueforyou.”
“Agreed,”IsaidasIjoinedherinthelivingroomwithourdrinksinhand.Julialiked
hermartinidirtywitholives,whileIlikedminecrispandcleanwithjustatwistoflemon.
Shetookhersfromme,wetouchedglasses,andwesipped.“Toalargerapartment,”I
said.
“Cheerstothat,”shesaidaswesatnexttooneanotheronmysorry-lookingsofa.Itwas
sooldthatthecushionshadlongsincebeensupportedbyasheetofplywood.Withoutit,
JuliaandIwouldhavecollidedwithoneanotherwhenwe’dsatdown.“Now,tellmewhy
I’mhere,”shesaid.“NaturallyI’mcurious.”
“Howaboutifyouhaveafewmoresipsofyourdrink,andthenI’lltellyou?”Isaid.
“It’sthatbad?”
Myshouldersslumped.“I’mnotsurewhetherit’sgoodorbad,”Isaid.“ButIdoknow
this—I’mindeep.”
“Deepintowhat?”
“Justdrink,”Isaid.“AndwhenIfeelthatyoucanhandleeverythingthathappenedto
metonight,I’lltellyouallofit.BecauseIneedtobaremyheartandsoultosomeone
otherthanHarper.Inaminuteorso,you’llseewhythatpersonisyou.”
***
“Well,shit,”JuliasaidafterItoldherwhatAustinhadsaidtomeinthecar.“Imean—my
God!Onthesurfaceitallsoundspromising,doesn’tit?Especiallysincehe’sa
ridiculouslygood-lookingman.Andalsosmart.Andasuperniceguy.He’skindofthe
totalpackage.Butwhenyouthinkabouttheramifications,whathe’sproposingsounds
waytooriskytome,Sienna.Withtenmilliondollarsontheline,Iwouldn’tchancethat
fortheworld.Mybestadviceistoturnhimdown—atleastfornow.”
“Iwasworriedyou’dsaythat,”Isaid.“ButI’mnotsureIcan.”
“Ofcourseyoucan.”
“Idon’tthinkit’llbethateasy.”
“Why?”
“BecausethemomentIfirstlaideyesonAustin,Iwasinstantlyattractedtohim,Julia.
Howoftenhasthathappenedsinceyou’veknownme?”
“Never,”shesaidsoftly.“EversinceEriccheatedonyou,you’vebeensofocusedon
yourcareerthatyou’veallowednothingandnoonetosidelineyoufromit.”
“Then,whyamIwillingtodosonow?”
“BecauseAustinisspecial,”shesaid.“Bothofusknowthat.Eachofusagreeswith
that.Butifwetakeastepbackandlookatthebigpicture,thingsaregoingreallywellfor
younow.IttookHarpernotimetolineupthreemajormoviesforyoutoheadline.Your
careerisliterallyintheprocessofblowingup,andlet’sbefrank—it’snotjustbecauseof
yourwinatCannes.It’salsobecauseyou’renowseenasJacksonCruise’snewgirlfriend.
Mybestadviceistosticktoyourcontract.Don’tdestroythismoment—you’veworked
toohardtogethere.”
“There’satinyproblemwhenitcomestothat,”Isaid.
Shefurrowedherbrowatme.“Whatproblem?”
“ImighthavetoldAustinI’dmeethimathisplacetomorrownight.Fordinner.
Becausethat’swhatheoffered—dinner.Notdinneroutinpublic,butdinnerinprivateat
hisapartment.”
“Youdidnotagreetothat…”
“Ikindofdid.”
“Sienna,whatwereyouthinking?”
“Idon’tthinkitwasmewhowasdoingthethinking,Julia.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Iwavedmyfreehandacrossmybreastsandthenbetweenmythighs.“Theywerethe
onesdoingthethinkingforme.”
“Ithasbeenawhile,”shesaid.
“Overtwoyearsandcounting!”
“Wereyouplanningonsleepingwithhim?”
“God,no—youknowmebetterthanthat.GoodCatholicfarmgirlandall.Byspending
afewhoursalonewithhim,Ijustwantedtoseeifmyattractiontohimwasjustphysical
orifitwasmorethanthat.Apartofmethinksit’sthelatter.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI’vegottentoknowhimoverthepastfewweeks.Ilikehowhethinks.Ilike
whatIseeandhear.Butsincewe’reonlyeveralonewitheachotherfortheshorttimeit
takeshimtobringmetoorfrommyapartment,Ihaven’thadenoughtimetofigureoutif
I’mjustturnedonbyhislooksorifit’sdeeperthanthat.So,IfiguredthatifIdidhave
dinnerwithhim,andiftherewasnolastingchemistrybetweenus,I’dknowthatIwasjust
hookedonhislooks,andthatwouldbethat.I’dbefreetomoveonwithmylife.”
“Butwhatifitturnsouttobetheotherwayaround?”sheasked.“Whatifthechemistry
betweenyoutwoskyrocketsoffthecharts?”
“ThenI’dbefucked.”
“Andthere’syouranswer,”shesaid.“Don’tdoit.Don’ttaketherisk.Tenmillion
dollarswillchangeyourlife,Sienna—andyou’veonlygotsevenmonthstogobefore
you’rehandedthatfinalcheck.YouneedtoseeyourfakerelationshipwithJackson
throughtotheendsoyoucansecureyourfuture,becausenomanintheworldisworth
thatkindofmoney.Youmustknowthat.”
“Igetit,”Isaidwithdisappointment.“Andthat’swhyIaskedyouheretonight.I
neededasoundingboardIcouldtrust—andthatpersonisyou.”
“Then,letmesayitagain—sticktothecontract.ForgetaboutAustin.”
“You’reright,”Isaid.“Tenmilliondollarswillchangemylife.And…youknowwhat?”
“What’sthat?”
“Gettinganewapartmentwouldbeprettygreat.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthatuntilyou
mentionedit.”
“Youtotallyneedtogetoutofhere,”shesaid,lookingaroundmysmalllivingspace.
“Andbeforeyouknowit,you’llbeableto.”
“Ialsocan’tletHarperdown,”Isaid.“Shemeanstoomuchtome.Shemadethis
happenbetweenJacksonandme,andjustlookatalltheopportunitiesthathavecomemy
waysince.”Isatbackonthesofaandfinishedmydrink.“WhatwasIthinking?”Isaid
outloud.“Inevershouldhaveagreedtothatdinner.AndnowIneedtocancelit,whichis
justgoingtomakemelookridiculousinhiseyes.”
“Ifyouexplainyourreasonstohim,I’mnotsurethatitwill,”Juliasaid.“Austin’sa
goodguy.Tellhimthatyou’vesinceconsideredtheramificationsofmeetingalonewith
himandthatyoucan’triskthechanceofbeingfoundout.Remindhimthatyou’vemadea
bindingagreementwithJacksonandthatit’snotfairtohimifyouletanythinggetinthe
wayofthat.Andthere’smore:youalsoneedtobetruetoHarper,whohasputherfull
faithinyou.IfIwereyou,I’daskforaraincheck.Ifhe’savailablewhenyouandJackson
breakup,perfect.Andifheisn’t,tellhimthatyouwishhimwell.”
“He’llprobablybewithanotherwomanbythatpoint.”
“Itcouldhappen,”shesaid.“Butmaybeitwon’t—neitherofusknows.”
“Ishouldcallhim.IfIcancelledwithatext,I’dlooklikeanasshole.”
“Agreed.So,callhimnow,anddeclinetheinvitation.It’snotthatlate.Hestillmightbe
up.Andifheisn’t,atleastyoucanleavehimavoicemessage,whichisstillfarbetterthan
atext.”
Shegotupfromthesofaandtookmyemptymartiniglassfrommyhand.
“Where’syourcell?”sheasked.
“Inmypocket.”
“Then,callhimwhileI’mstillherewithyou.”
“Thissucks,”IsaidasIreachedformyphone.
“Actually,losingtenmillioniswhatwouldsuck,sweetie.Callhim.”
WhenImusteredupthenervetodialAustin,heansweredonthethirdring.
“Sienna?”hesaid.“Issomethingwrong?”
“No,”Isaid.“I’msorry—wereyouinbed,Austin?DidIwakeyouup?”
“Iwasjustreading.What’sup?”
“Ican’tdodinner,”Isaid.“I’vethoughtaboutit,andI…Iapologize—Ijustgotcaught
upinthemomentwhenyouaskedmeinthecar.IhopeyouunderstandthatIneedtostay
truetomycontractandthatIneedtobefocusedonbeingJackson’sgirlfriend,becauseI
haveafeelingIwon’tbeabletoifwegettoknowoneanotherbetter.”
“BecauseyoufeelthesamewayIdo?”heasked.“Thatthere’ssomethingworth
exploringhere?”
IlookedupatJuliawhenhesaidthat,andwhileshecouldn’thearwhatAustinwas
sayingtome,Icouldneverthelessfeelhersupportrainingdownonme.
“Ido,”Isaid.“ButifIneedanythingfromyourightnow,it’syoursupport.Isigneda
contract,andbydoingso,IgaveJackson,Mimi,andHarpermyword,whichismybond.
Giventhemoneyalone,IoweittoJacksontoseethis‘relationship’ofoursthroughtoits
end.Ifyou’restillsingleandinterestedsevenmonthsfromnow—whenJacksonandIare
officiallyover—maybewecanhavethatdinnerdatethen.Eitheratyourplaceorin
public.BecauseI’dlikethat.”
“Idon’tgiveupeasily,Sienna.”
“Ineedyouto,Austin.”
Alongsilencestretchedbetweenusbeforeheclearedhisthroat.
“Ishouldprobablygotobed,”hesaid.“Asyouknow,tomorrowisanearlyshoot.I’ll
seeyouonsetwhenyouarriveforyourpressshotswithJackson.Inthemeantime,don’t
worryaboutthis.We’llfigureitout.Sleepwell,OK?”
“I’msorry,Austin.”
“Don’tbe,”hesaid.“Youjustgotalittlefreakedout,that’sall.”
“Idid—andIapologize.Ididn’tmeantoleadyouon.”
“Igetit,”hesaidinthatdeep,soothingvoiceofhis.“AndIplantoworkonthat,OK?
You’llsee.”
“WhatwillIsee?”
Buthedidn’tanswer.Instead,thelinewentdead.IlookedupatJulia,whowas
standinginfrontofmeandbitingdownhardonherlowerlipasIshutoffmyphone.
“He’sgone,”Isaid.“Hehungup.”
Shesatdownbesideme.“TellmeeverythingIcouldn’thear.”
Itoldher.
“Well,then,”shesaidwhenI’dfinished.“Thisisn’toverbetweenyoutwo.He’sgoing
topursueyou.”
“ButyoujustheardwhatIsaidtohim,Julia.Icouldn’thavebeenmoreclearwith
him.”
“Iagree,”shesaid.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanhedoesn’thavehisownagenda.Idon’t
knowwhathehasinmindtolureyouin,butyouneedtoprepareyourselfforhimtotryto
doso,becausehe’snotgoingtostopnow.Mybestadviceisthatyoustandyourground,
Sienna.Befirmwithhim.”
“Iwill,”Isaid.
“Butcanyou?”sheasked.“Iknowyoudofeelsomethingforhim,andIworry.”
“No,Iwill,”Isaid,meaningit.“I’llbefirmwithhim.I’llbeprofessional,andIwon’t
letJacksonorHarperdown.Andintime,allthisfaking-itbullshitwillbebehindme.If
Austinisstillinterestedinmewhenthecontractends,great.Andifhe’swithsomeone
elsebythen?Sure,I’llbehugelydisappointed,butitiswhatitis,isn’tit?Thegoodnews
isthatI’llbesuperbusyatthatpoint,shootingthreemoviesbacktoback.Andbecauseof
that,I’llbesufficientlypreoccupiedtoconvincemyselfIdon’tcarethathemetsomeone
else,eventhoughIknowIwillcare.Verymuchso.”
JuliahuggedmewhenIsaidthat,andintohershoulder,Isaid,“He’sthefirstoneto
catchmyeyesinceEric,Julia.”
“Iknowheis,sweetie.”
“He’stheonlymanIfeltwasworthtrustingagain.So,that’ssomething,isn’tit?”
“It’sprogress,”shesaid.“You’rehealing.”
“Butwhyhim?”Iasked.“Whatisitabouthim?Ikeepaskingmyselfthatsame
questiontimeandagain.Overandoveragain.Whyishetheonewhobrokethroughmy
walls?”
ShepulledawayfrommewhenIsaidthatandlookedatmeclosely.
“Idon’tknowwhy,Sienna,”shesaid.“ButIdoknowthis—bychoosingtosecureyour
future,youjustmadethebestdecisionofyourlife.”
Butevenwhenshesaidthat,IstillwonderedwhetherIhad.Wasmylifetobe
measuredbymoneyalone?No—itcouldn’tbe.Butdespitethat,I’djustthrownthe
potentialoffindingloveaway,hadn’tI?
Yes,Ihad.AndIfeltsickaboutit.
CHAPTERELEVEN
Thenextmorning,whenIarrivedonsetattenthirtyinablocked-offareaofWest
NineteenthStreet,Jacksonhadjustfinishedagruelingandcomplicatedactionscenehe’d
beenshootingsincesix,whichmeantthatIwasrightontime.
WhenIfirstspottedhiminthecrowdofsupportingactors,extras,writers,cameramen,
andthedirectorherself,IthoughtthatJacksonlookedbloodied,beaten,andbruisedtoa
pulp—allthankstothemagicofmakeup.
Sincehe’dtoldmehowintensethisparticularshootwouldbe,Jacksonhadalreadyput
inafullday’sworkasfarasIwasconcerned.Butsincemoreshootswerescheduledfor
laterintheafternoonandevening,hisdaywasfarfromoveryet.
AsIwaitedforhimtocatchsightofme,IsawAustinstandingacrossthestreet,and
whenoureyeslocked,Icouldn’tdenythefireIfeltinmygut.Hewaswearingafitted
blacksuitthatshowedoffhismuscularframe,hisdarkhairhadbeenpartedontheside
andwasslickeddownwithgel,andhischiseledfaceandpiercingblueeyesnearlygotthe
bestofmewhenhefinallynoddedatme.
Tobepolite,Inoddedback.Wedidhavetoworktogether,afterall.AndIdidn’twant
tomakethesituationbetweenusanyworseorawkwardthanitalreadywas.
“Hey,”Jacksonsaidwhenhesawmestandingbehindoneofthethreecamerasonsite.
“Howareyou,beautiful?”
SincenobodybutHarper,Mimi,Austin,andJuliaknewaboutourfakerelationship,
everyoneonthesetofAnnihilateThemwasmeanttobelievewhatwehopedtheworld
nowbelieved—thatourbuddingrelationshipwastherealthing.
“Givemeakiss,”Isaidashenearedme.
Whenhedid,Jacksonsweptmeintohisarmsandtwirledmearoundonce,andIkissed
himwitheverythingIhad,noticingasIdidsooneoftheextrastakingaphotographofus
withhercell.Wereothersdoingthesame?Probably,whichjustunderscoredhow
importantitwasthatJacksonandIremainincharacterwheneverwewereinpublic
together.
BecauseIalreadyknewthatbytheendoftheday,thatphotojusttakenofuswould
likelyhavebeensoldtothehighestbidder,anditwouldbetrendinginmyentertainment
feedsbymorning.
“Howwasyourscene?”Iasked.
HisfacelitupwhenIsaidthat.
“Intense—andfunashell.Youshouldhavebeenhereforthepyrotechnicsalone.They
wereawesome.Weblewshitup!”
“Youdoallyourownstunts,don’tyou?IthinkIreadthatsomewhere.”
“Allofthem.InQuickintoNight,thatwasmestrappedtothesideofthatplane.That
wasnostuntdouble.IwantedtodoitbecauseIgetoffonthatkindofshit.”
“You’resuchajock,”Isaidteasingly.
HelaughedwhenIsaidthatandgavemeakissonthecheek—andthistime,Iknew
thatparticularkisswastherealthing.Itwasakissbetweentwopeoplewhohadbecome
friends.
EversincethedisasteratPerSe,Jacksonhadgottenhisacttogether—justashe’d
promisedtodo.Andbecausehehad,heandIhadgrowncloseintheensuingweeks.It
hadbeeninthelimousine—wherenoonecouldhearusbutAustin—thatwestartedto
openuptoeachother.
I’dtoldhimwhatithadbeenlikegrowingupinDubuque—andhowbadlyI’dwanted
togetoutsoIcouldseetheworld.He’dtoldmewhatithadbeenlikegrowingupinthe
city,howhe’dlandedhisfirstactingjob,andwhatithadbeenlikewhenfamefirst
touchedhim—andwhatfamefeltlikenow.Astimepassedandwecametotrustone
another,wetalkedaboutmen,frommyruinousrelationshipwithErictohisdreamofone
daybeingabletobeopenwithhissexualityandmaybeevenfindlovehimself.
“Doyouthinkyou’llevercomeout?”I’daskedhimonenight.
“Idon’tknow,”he’dsaid.“I’dliketo,butitwon’tbeforawhile,Sienna.Ifever.”
“Butthat’ssosad,”I’dsaid.“Youdeservetobewhoyouareandfindamanyouwant
toshareyourlifewith.Timeshavechanged.Manycelebritieshavecomeout,andforthe
mostpart,theircareershaveactuallyspikedbecausepeoplehaveevolved.”
WhenI’dsaidthat,he’djustlookedatme.
“Nameoneactionstarwhohascomeoutofthecloset,Sienna.Justone.I’mfriends
withafewmajoractionstarswhoaregay,andnoneofthemdarecomeout.Likeme,they
understandtheramifications.”
Icouldn’tnameoneperson,whichsaddenedme.
“So,yousee?”he’dsaid.“I’mfucked.ThepublicwillacceptanEllenandaNeil
PatrickHarrisbecausethey’recharmingandfunny,butsincemycareerhaslongbeen
definedbythisultrabutchmalestereotype,comingoutisn’tinthecardsforme—atleast
notifIwanttocontinuetohaveacareer,whichIdo.BecauseIlovewhatIdo.AndI’m
onlythirty-five,forChrist’ssake.Iwanttokeepworkingandcreating.So,whenitcomes
tofindingreallove,Ithinkthat’soutofthequestionformenow.Willitcomelaterinlife?
Idon’tknow.BecauseIalsoneedtothinkofmylegacy.HowwillIberememberedwhen
I’mdead?WillitbeforthebodyofworkI’vecreated?OrifIcameout,woulditbefor
thefactthatIlivedalie?Ithinkitwouldbethelatter.AndIhateit.Trustme,Iwishthere
wassomethingIcoulddoaboutit,butthereisn’t.So,hereIsitnexttoyoutonight—a
manactivelylivingalie.ButifIwanttocontinuetoperforminthesekindsofactionroles
thatIlovedoing,Iseriouslydon’tthinkIhaveanychoicebuttodojustthat.”
“I’msosorry,”I’dsaid.
“Samehere.”
Itwasbecauseofthefriendshipbuildingbetweenusthatitbecameeasiertofoolthe
presswheneverJacksonkissedme,becausenowwehadgenuinechemistrybuiltontruth
andmutualaffection.
“Youlooklikeabloodymess,”Isaidtohimnow.“Howarewesupposedtogooutin
publicwithyoulookinglikethis?”
“Givemetwenty,”hesaidwithawink.“Icleanupfast.Mimi’ssomewherearound
here.ShesaidyouandIaresupposedtohaveanearlylunchatsomedineroffTwenty-
ThirdStreet.”
“It’stheMalibuDiner,”Isaid.“Julia’sbeenthere,andsheravedaboutit.It’sallthe
buzz.It’ssupposedtobeamazing.”
Foramoment,helookedatmecuriously,assessingme,andthenhetookmeintohis
armsagainashespokeintomyear.
“You’reglowingtoday,”hesaid.“What’supwithyou?”
Austin,Isaidtomyself.ObviouslyIknewhe ’d behere,Jackson.AndsinceIdon ’t
wanttodisappointhimsinceIhaveaskedhimtowaitsevenmonthstohavethatdatewith
me,I ’m tryingmybesttokeephiminterested.Thusmyskin-tightwhitejerseydress …
“I’mjusthappy,”IsaidquietlyasIkissedhimonthecheek.“Thingsaregoingwell
rightnow.WithalltheinterviewsI’vedonelatelyandthemovieprojectscomingin,I
kindofwanttopinchmyself.”
“Igetit,”hesaid.“It’sanexcitingtimeforyou.”
“Itis.Butjustsoyouknow,I’malsostarving.Let’sgotolunch.”
“Letmecleanup,andAustincantakeus.”
Nopressurethere,Ithought.
“Lookyourhottest,”Isaidtohim.Ididn’tneedtotellhimwhy.Heknewwhy.Either
HarperorMimihadalreadyalertedthepapsthatwe’dbeeatingtherethisafternoon,and
thepresswasprobablyalreadylyinginwaitforusasIspoke.
“Gotit,”hesaid.“Seeyouinafew.”
Whenheleft,Istoodaloneascameramen,extras,andawholehostofcrewmembers
busiedthemselvesaroundme.Takinginthemoment,Icouldn’thelpbutrememberhow
greatithadfelttoworkonLion,becauseeachday,thesheerjoltofcreativeenergyhad
beenpalpable.Ilongedtobebackonamoviesetsoon,butI’dhavetowaituntilnextyear
beforethathappened.Andwhenitdid,I’dbeworkingwiththemasterhimself—Martin
Scorsese.AndhowluckywasItobeabletolearnfromthatman?
Iwasthinkingabouthowthatexperiencewouldchangemylifeandelevatemycraft
whenIheardmycelldinginmyhandbag,alertingmetoatextmessage.Iwithdrewmy
phoneandsawthatthetextwasfromAustin,whichcausedmetopause.BeforeIreadit,I
lookedoverathimandsawthathewastalkingtoMimi,whowasgesticulating
dramatically.Thenshejustthrewupherhandsandwalkedaway.
Icheckedthetextandreadit.“Westillcouldhavedinnertonight,youknow.”
“No,wecan’t,”ItypedasfastasIcould.“IthoughtI’dmadethatclear.”
WhenIsentthemessage,hepulledhiscelloutofhispantspocketandreadwhatI’d
written,andthenwequicklyfellintoaroutine.
“Iwasjokingaboutthetakeout,”hewroteback.“Iplantocookforyou.My
grandfatherwasachef.Hetaughtmeplenty,andI’manexcellentcook.Youseriously
needtotrymybangersandmash.”
“Nowyou’rejustbeingobscene.”
“Well,it’strue.Andthenthere’smybeefstroganoff…”
“You’retryingtoseduceme!”
“Youknowwhat,Sienna?Ithinkyouneedtobeseduced.”
“No,Idon’t.WhatIneedistokeepfocusedandtendtomycontract.”
“YoucertainlywereprofessionalwhenyoukissedJacksonamomentago,that’sfor
fuckingsure.”
“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
“Forthoseontheoutside?Probablynothing,sogoodonyouandJacksonforyour
actingskills.ButsinceIhappentobeontheinside…shit,Sienna,Icouldhavekissedyou
waybetterthanthat.AndIprobablywouldhavebroughtyoutoyourkneesintheprocess,
becauseI’mthatgood—andI’mthatintoyou.”
“Austin,youneedtostop.”
“Idon’twanttostop.”
“Well,youneedto.Iexplainedthereasonswhylastnight.Ineedyoutorespectthat.”
“AndyouneedtorespectthateversinceIsawyoutoday,I’vedonemybesttoconceal
myerection,whichbythewayisn’texactlyaneasythingtodo.”
WhenIreadthattext,Ilookedoverathiminshock.Hearchedamischievouseyebrow
atmeandthenmovedhisjacketasidesoIcouldseethemassivebulgeinhispants.
“Putthataway,”Iwrote.
“Can’t,”hetextedmeback.“Itdoesn’tworkthatwayforaman,especiallysinceI’m
lookingatyouinthatdressofyours.Andjustsoyouknow,yournippleshavebeen
stiffeningeversincewebegantexting.”
Iglanceddownatmybreasts,sawthatIclearlywasaroused,andcursedmybodyfor
betrayingmeattheverymomentwhenitabsolutelycouldn’t.
“HowmanytimesdoIhavetosaythatweneedtobeprofessional?”
“Professional?”hetextedback.“Onedayyou’llseejusthowprofessionalIamwhen
mymouthispressedagainstyourlips.Becausesoonerratherthanlater,that’sgoingto
happen,Sienna.Onedayyou’llfinallygiveintome.You’llthrowcautiontothewind,
andyou’llletmekissyou.It’sgoingtohappenatsomepoint,sowhytryfightingit?
WhenIdokissyouandyourealizeallthatyou’vebeenmissingouton,you’llbebegging
metokissyousomewhereelse.”
He.Did.Not!
“Stoptalkingdirtytome,”Iwrote.“It’sinappropriate.”
“Tellthattoyourbody.”
IblushedwhenIreadthat,becausegiventhestateofmynipplesalone,apartofme
wasturnedonbythisexchange.Infrustration,Ilookedoverathim,whichwasabig
fuckingmistake—justlayingmyeyesonhimwasenoughtodomein.Iwassophysically
attractedtohimthathewasturningmeintoawontonsexsiren—whichwasn’tmeatall.
Whatthehellwashappeningtome?Iwasbetterthanthis.Ineverbehavedlikethis.
WhohaveIbecome?
“Jacksonwillbebacksoon,”hetexted.“So,beforehecomesback,I’llaskyouthis
again.Webothknowyou’refreetonight,sowhynotcometomyapartment,andI’llmake
dinnerforyou?Ilearnedalotatmygrandfather’sside,andIcanpromiseyouthatIcan
curlyourtoeswithmytalentsinthekitchen.Andsomedaysoon,I’llbecurlingyourtoes
inwaysthathavenothingtodowithfood.”
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”Iasked.“IsignedacontractwithJackson,Austin.I’vebeen
poorforsolong…youknowIcan’tblowthis.Whyareyoupressingmerightnow?”
“MaybebecauseIwanttothrustmytongueintoyourmouth?AndalsobecauseI’d
neverputyouinharm’sway.Therearewaystoseeyouwithoutanyoneknowing,Sienna.
I’vegotawholenetworkofwaystobediscreet.”
“Istillcan’ttakethatrisk.Pleasestop.”
“Can’tpromisethat,”hesaid.“EspeciallywhenIseeJacksonandyoufakingitallover
town.Iwon’tbullshityou,Sienna.IloveJacksonasifheweremybrother,butIsureas
hellwishIwerehimrightnow.That’sforfuckingsure.”
IwasabouttotexthimbackwhenIheardJackson’svoicetomyleft.Iturnedandsaw
himtalkingwithoneofthewriters.Hewaswearingwhatheprettymuchalwayswore
whenweweremeanttobeseentogetherinpublic—tight-fittingLevisandarevealingT-
shirtthatleftlittletotheimagination.Idon’tknowwhatJacksonwaspacking,butlooking
athimnow,IknewhecouldgiveJonHammarunforhismoney.BecauseJackson’sbulge
wasoffthecharts.
BeforehecouldseewhatIwasdoing,Ishutmyphoneoffsohewouldn’tknowifor
whenAustinsentmeanothertext.
“Hey,handsome,”Isaidashewalkedtowardme.
“Andlookatyou,”hesaidwithagrin.“It’s,like,ninetydegreesoutrightnow.Doyou
runcoldorsomething?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Yourboobsareonhighalert,Sienna.”
“Don’tembarrassme,”Isaidundermybreath.
“Youmighthavealreadydonethatyourself.What’swiththeheadlights?”
Oh,fuckinghell!
Iglancedaroundthestreetandsawagood-lookingmanstandingaloneonthesidewalk.
SinceIdidn’trecognizehim,hewaslikelyanextra.Helookedroughedupwithspotsof
fakebloodonhisface.
“OK,fine,”Isaid.“Imighthavefoundthatguyoverthereattractive.”
“Whichguy?”heasked.
Withdiscretion,Inoddedtowardtheman,andwhenJacksonlookedoverathim,he
wasjustasdiscreet.
“Isawhimearlier,”hesaidinavoiceonlyIwasmeanttohear.“He’stotallyhot.”
“You ’re theonewho’shot,”IsaidasItookhimbythearm.“Andit’stimeforustogo
tolunch.”Ilookedaroundme.“Where’sAustin?Where’sthecar?HarperandMimiaren’t
goingtowantustobelate,soweneedtogetamoveonnow.”
“Allweneedtodoiswalktothecurb,andIguaranteeyouAustinwillbetherewaiting
forus.Heneverletsmedown.”
AfterhavingbeentextingfuriouslywithAustinoverthepasttenminutes,IwishedI
couldsaythesame.AndthenIcheckedmyself,realizingthatwasn’ttrue.IfIweretobe
honestwithmyself,partsofmehadenjoyedourexchange.Aftertwolongyearsofbeing
single,amanIfounddangerouslyattractivehadjustsextedmeintooblivion.Andithad
feltgood,eventhoughIknewitshouldn’thave.
So,whatthehellwasIsupposedtodonow?HowcouldIpossiblycontrolAustingoing
forward,especiallysincehewashell-bentongettingmealonesohecouldfeedmehis
bangersandmash?Orhisbeefstroganoff,forGod’ssake?Somehow,Ihadtogetthrough
tohimthatthiswasn’tajokeandthatheseriouslyneededtostopbehavinglikethis—but
howbesttodoso?
Andthenitcametome.
WhatifIdoagreetohavedinnerwithhimtonight?Ithought.WhatifIgethimalonein
hisapartmentandcornerhim?IfIdidthat,Icouldlookhimsquareinthefaceandtell
himthatthisflirtationbullshitneedstoendatonce.Maybethat ’s thebestwayaround
this.Maybehejustneedstoseehowimportantitisformetoseethisthroughwith
Jackson.IfIagreedtomeethimfordinner,Icouldshutthisdown …
AswemovedtowardthelimousineparkedatcurbsideandAustingotoutofthecarto
openthereardoorforus,Ishothimawitheringlookandwatchedhiseyestwinkleatme
whentheymetmine.Andrightthenandthere,Ihadmyanswer.
Heneededtobeconfrontednotbyphoneorbytextbutrighttohisface.
***
Later,afterJacksonandIhadbeenphotographedbythepaparazziandhadhadlunch
together—andwhenAustinpickedusupanddroveusbacktoWestNineteenthStreet,
whereJacksonhadadditionalscenestoshoot—I’dthoughtallofitthroughandcometo
mydecision.
“WouldyoulikemetotakeSiennahome?”AustinaskedJackson.
“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“I’monsetnow.Therestofyoursecurityteamishere,soI’llbe
fine.”Hegotoutofthecarandshotmeasmile.“Seeyoutomorrow,Sienna,”hesaidas
hewalkedawayfromus.“Lunchwasgreat.”
“Itwas,Jackson,”Isaid.“Untiltomorrow.Haveagreatshoot—andbesafe.Iworry
aboutthesecrazystuntsofyours.”
“They’renothingtoworryabout,”hesaid.“Igetoffonthem.”
Andwithameresmile,hesimplywalkedaway.
“Don’tmovethecar,Austin,”IsaidasJacksonfadedfromsight.
“Why?Ineedtotakeyouhome.”
“There’snoneedforyoutotakemehome.I’mgettingouthere.”
Heclockedmeintherearview.
“No,you’renot.Sienna,everyonerecognizesyounow.Makingsureyougethome
safelyispartofmyjob.”
“Ilivethreeblocksfromhere,Austin.Thisisasafeneighborhood.Hell,it’smy
neighborhood.Iknowitlikethebackofmyhand.Iwalkedherethismorningwithout
incident,andI’llbefinewalkinghome.Andbesides,”Isaid,“sinceyouaregoingtocook
formetonight,youcouldprobablyusewhateverextratimeyouhaveonyourhandsto
makedinnerjustright.Itotallyhavehighexpectationswhenitcomestothat,justsoyou
know.”
HeraisedhiseyebrowsinsurprisewhenIsaidthat.
“I’mcookingforyoutonight?”
“Youare,unlessyou’vesuddenlygottencoldfeet.”
“Myfeetdon’tgetcoldwhenIthinkofyou,Sienna.Andneitherdootherpartsofmy
body.”
SoIsaw …
“Good,”Isaid.“So,whattime?”
“Whythesuddenturnaround?”
“Whydoesitmatter?Youwantedthistohappen,soit’shappening.Whattime?”
“Eight?”
“Eightworksforme.I’llbringthewine—whiteorred?”
“ForwhatIhaveinmind,abottleofsauvignonblancwouldbeperfect.”
“Consideritdone.Now,beforeIleave,Ineedtomakecertainthatyourplanofgetting
meintoyourapartmentwithoutanyoneseeingmeorknowingaboutitwillwork.”
“It’sfoolproof,”hesaid.
“Nothing’sfoolproof,Austin.Webothknowthat.Ifwe’regoingtodothis,youcan’t
fuckthisupforme.Youcan’tletthathappen.”
“Sienna,I’dneverputyouinharm’sway,”hesaid.“Trustmeonthis.I’vedoneexactly
thistimeandagainforJackson.Itworks.”
“Ithadbetterwork.”
“Anditwill,becauseIunderstandhowimportantitistoyou.Igetit.I’mtakingnone
ofthislightly.I’dneverputyouatrisk.”
Iwon ’t either,Austin,whichiswhytonightishappening.Becauseafterthewayyou
behavedtoday,Ican ’t letyoudothattomeanymore,andwe ’re goingtohavealong
conversationaboutthat.WhenI ’m outofmycontract — andifyou ’re stillsinglethen
— thingswillbedifferent,andwe ’ll gofromthere.Butifyou ’re withsomeoneelse … as
muchasthatwilldisappointme,we ’ll justhavetogoourseparateways.
“YourememberthepickupplanIlaidouttoyoubefore?”heasked.
“Ido.”
“Bethereatsevenforty-five.I’llcallMaxandlethimknowthescoop,andthenjustdo
whathetellsyoutodo.Ifyoudo,you’llbeatmyplacebyeight.”
“HowcanItrustMaxnottobetrayme?”
“Becausehe’soneofmybestfriends,andIdon’ttakemyfriendshipslightly.He’sa
goodguy—you’llsoonseeforyourself.”
“Allright,”Isaid,openingthedoorandsteppingoutontothesidewalkwithdark
sunglassescoveringmyeyes.“Done.And…Austin?”IsaidbeforeIclosedthedoor.
“What’sthat,Sienna?”
“I’mafarmgirlfromIowa,andIknowhowtoeat.So…youknow?Bringittonight.
Makeyourgrandfatherproud.Goforthenines.Surpriseme.”Hemovedtospeak,butI
wasalreadyclosingthedoor.“Seeyoulater,”Isaid.
Andthen,withapurposeIdidn’tfeelinmygut—becausemygutwastwistedinknots
—Istartedtowalkuptowntomyapartment,wonderingwhetherI’ddonetherightthing
orwhetherI’djustsabotagedmyself.JuliawouldsaythatI’ddonethelatter.Butafter
Austin’sbehaviorwithmetoday,IknewIneededtobeveryclearwithhim,andthat
obviouslyhadtobedoneface-to-face.
CHAPTERTWELVE
BeforeIreturnedhome,IstoppedbymyfavoritewinestoreonWestTwenty-FirstStreet
tobuyabottleofsauvignonblanc.
Asusual,theplacewaspackedandhummingwithitship,well-dressed,trendy
clientele.Withmysunglassesinplaceandmyheadslightlylowered,Imaneuveredtoward
therightsideofthestore,wheretherewasamassivechilled-winesection.WhenIfound
thesauvignonblancsection,mychoiceturnedouttobeano-brainer.Iwentwiththe
brandthestoreitselfrecommendedwithalittlecardplacedinfrontofarowofbottles:
“Choosethisone—you’llbehappyyoudid.”SinceItrustedthisstoreanditsowner,
AdamShift,that’stheoneIwentwith.
ItwaswhenIwenttothecheckoutandsmiledatAdamthatIheardsomeonemention
myname.
“IsthatSiennaJones?”whisperedawomanbehindme.
IflushedatthecommentandwasgratefulIhadn’ttakenoffmysunglasses.Although
hecouldn’tseemyeyes,IlookedatAdamashelookedatme.
I’dbeenacustomerofhisforyears,andwe’dbecomefriendly.Butjusthowfriendly?
Withmeinhisstorerightnow,wouldhesellmeoutandacknowledgeitwasmestanding
beforehimsohiscustomerswouldknowthatcelebritiesfrequentedhisstore?Orwould
herespectmyprivacy?Iwasn’tsure,soIbitmylowerlipandwaitedforwhatwasto
come.
“How’sitgoing,Deb?”heaskedinavoicejustloudenoughforthosearoundusto
hear.“Howarethekids?”
ThankGod,Ithought.Ihadafeelingyouwereoneofthegoodones,Adam,andyou
are.
“They’redrivingmecrazy,Adam—thusthewine.”
“Deb?”Iheardthewomanbehindmesay.“IcouldhaveswornthatwasSiennaJones.”
“WhothehellisSiennaJones?”anotherwomanasked,whichwouldhavemademe
laughoutloudifmyheartweren’tpoundingsoquicklyagainstmychest.Countlesstimes
overthepastseveralweeks,I’dbeenrecognizedwhenI’dbeenoutandaboutwith
Jackson,butthiswasthefirsttimeI’deverbeenrecognizedwhileoutonmyown.And
neverinmyrightminddidIthinkitwouldbesounnerving.Iwasstartingtoget
recognized,andthatcarriedwithititsshareofrisks,especiallygiventheclandestine
eveningIhadplannedlatertonightwithAustin.
“Oh,comeon,”thewomansaid.“I’vetoldyouwhosheis.SiennaJonesisJackson
Cruise’snewgirlfriend.Iswearthat’sher.”
“Girlfriend?IheardthatJacksonCruiseisgayorsomething.”
“JacksonCruiseisn’tgay,”thewomansaid.“Imean,yes,Isawthephotosofhim
allegedlykissingthatman,butlet’sgetrealhere.Thosephotosweren’tjustblurry,they
werealsoover-the-topphotoshopped.Plus,Jacksonisbeingphotographedalloverthecity
withSiennaJonesrightnow.He’sshootinghisnewmoviehere.They’retotallyfallingin
loverightinfrontofoureyes.Haven’tyoubeenpayingattention?Obviouslyyouhaven’t.
God,howIwishIwereher.”
“Howaretheapartmentrenovationscomingalong,Deb?”Adamaskedwithaslightly
archedeyebrowthattoldmehehadmyback.
Ioweyouonemotherofatip,Adam,Ithought.
“It’sgoingwell—ifyoudon’tmindthedemo.”
“Iknowhowthatgoes,”hesaid.“MikeandIwentthrougharenovationafewyears
ago.Itwashell.”
“Irememberwhenthathappened,”Isaid,whichwastrue.“Ialsorememberthatyou
twodidn’tfightevenonce,whichsaysplentywhenitcomestoyourmarriage.”
“He’sakeeper!”
“HowisMike?”Iasked.“Ihaven’tseenhiminawhile.”
“He’sgreat—justbusy.Andjustsoyouknow,it’sseventeenyearsforustomorrow,and
somehowthereisn’tagrayhairtobefoundonmyhead.Obviouslywhenitcomestohim,
Ichosewell.”
“Congratulations,”Isaid,notknowingifhewasjustprovidingmethedistractionI
needed.“Seventeenyears.Ishouldbegivingyouthisbottleofwine.”
“Trustme,”hesaid,“I’vegotallthatcovered.Tomorrownight,Mike’snotgoingto
knowwhathithim.”
“Givehimmybest,OK?”
“I’lldothat,Deb.”
Iremovedmywalletfrommyhandbag.
“HowmuchdoIoweyou?”
“Forty-sevenfifty.Andbytheway—youchosewellwhenitcomestothisbottle,”he
said,wrappingitinbright-yellowtissuepaperandplacingitintoashinyredbag.
“Graywackeisoneofmyfavorites.”
“Ichoseitbecauseyourecommendedit,”Isaid.“Andtrustme—withthekidsofffrom
schoolthissummer,theirmotherneedsaglassofwineattheendoftheday.”
“What’slifewithoutwine?”heaskedme.
“Onenotworthliving?”
“Agreed,”hesaidasherangmeup.Ihandedhimahundred,hegavememychange,
andIdiscreetlygaveitbacktohimasIwishedhimwellwithMiketomorrownight.After
that,Igotthehelloutoftherebeforefurtherspeculationcouldarisethatithadbeen
SiennaJoneswho’dbeeninAdam’sstoreandnotsomebodynamedDeb.
AsIhustledthroughthecrowdsonthesidewalk,Ihadtowonder.JacksonandIhad
generatedsomuchpress,whatwouldhappenifpeopleknewthatIlivedinthis
neighborhood?
AsfarasIknew,noneofthepapshadevermentionedwhereIlived—theywereso
caughtupinJackson’sevolvinglifethatIwasstillonlyconsideredhisItGirlinourfake
relationship.
ButIwasnoidiot,becausethingswerechanging.
Thatwomaninthewinestoremighthavebeenthefirsttorecognizemeoutonmy
own,butIknewinmygutthatitwasjustthetippingpoint.JacksonandIhaddominated
thepressforsomanyweeksthatIknewI’dsoonberecognizedwhereverIwent.
Andhowwouldthataffectmylife?Howwouldfamealterit?
Worse,howcouldAustinpromisetoprotectmetonight?Becauserightnow,after
havingbeenrecognizedbackthere,Iwasn’tsosurethathecould—whichwouldonly
compromiseeverythingifwewentforwardwithourdatethisevening.
***
Laterthatevening,aftermeditatingforanhourtothesoothingthesoundsofababbling
fuckingbrook—accompaniedwiththekindofliquidcouragethatcouldonlycomeinthe
formofanice-coldmartini—IdecidedthatshuttingAustindowninpersonwasworththe
risk.
Whateverwasunfoldingbetweenusneededtobehandledinprivate,becausewith
Jackson,Harper,andMimialwaysaroundus,itwasalmostimpossibletotalktoAustin
alone.Clearly,spendingtwentyminuteswithhiminacarwasn’tenoughtimetoget
throughtohim.
ButtonightIcould.TonightI’dhaveplentyoftimetoputourfireonice.
Atleastfortheinterim…
***
Infivemoreminutes,IwouldleaveforAustin’sapartment.Iwasshowered,dressed,and
readytogo.
Iturnedinfrontofmywardrobe’sfull-lengthmirrorandthoughtI’dnailedit.I’d
decidedtogowithalittleblackdressthatclungtomycurvesinwaysthatwereso
revealingandalluringthatIhopedIlookedsexyenoughtomakeAustinwanttowait
sevenmonthsforme.Asfortheshoes,theywerepurePrada,theywerehot—andfora
manwhohadoncemassagedmyfeetwithgreatcare,Ihopedtohelltheywereonpoint.
BeforeIleftforourdate,Iwentintomybathroomtocheckmyhairandmakeupafinal
timebeforescrutinizingmyface.
I’dchosentogowithnudemakeuphighlightedbythickminkeyelashesandaboldred
lipthatcomplementedmycomplexion.Asformyhair,I’dchosentowearitinaloose
chignonheldtogetherwithaslenderwoodenstick.SinceIknewfrommymodelingyears
thatperfumeshouldonlyeverbeanintimateexperience,I’dspritzedatraceofChanelNo.
5intheairbeforeI’dwalkedthroughit.CarolinaHerreraherselfhadoncesaidtome
beforeashowofhersthat“perfumeshouldneveroverpower.Instead,itshouldempower.
Neverforgetthat.”
Ihadn’t,becauseshewasright.
WhenIwasfinished,IputmyiPhone,lipstick,andpowderintomykillerJudithLeiber
clutch,andwhenmymassiveDiorsunglasseswereinplace,IleftforWholeFoods—of
allplaces—whichiswherethefirstpartofthiscrazyeveningwouldbegin.
***
ThemomentIsteppedoutofmyapartmentbuilding,Ifeltunusuallynervousand
exposed.
Thesidewalkwasbusywithpeopleeithergoinghomeafteralatedayatworkorgoing
outfortheevening.Thankfullyeveryonearoundmeappearedtobenormalpedestrians
andnotthepaps,whichallowedmetotakeatleastsomethingofabreath,becauseafter
thepastthreeweeks,Iknewjusthowaggressivethepaparazzicouldbe.Butnow?Nowit
appearedthatnoonewasevenremotelyinterestedinme,whichfeltlikeagodsendfor
exactlytwosecondsbeforeIcheckedmyself.
Noneofthatmeansshit,IthoughtasIwalkedforward.Thepapsaresnipers.They
couldbeacrossthestreettakingphotographsofmerightnow.Theycouldbeanywhere.
WhichiswhyAustin’sschemehadtowork.
Twoblockslater,whenIenteredWholeFoodsonWestTwenty-FourthStreet,onlya
momentpassedbeforeatallbaldmanwithamuscularframeandakind,youthfulface
approachedme.
“Sienna?”hesaidinalowvoice.
“Max?”Ianswered.
Henoddedoncebeforeheextendedhisrighthandtome,whichIshook.“Comewith
me.Tothefarbackofthestore.Rightnow,acariswaitingforyououtsidethereceiving
area.WhenIopenthedoors,IneedyoutogotothewhitePriusparkedjustoutsidefor
you.Keepyourheaddown,gotowardthecar,getintothebackofit—andtryyourbestto
bediscreet.”
Whilehespoke,wewalkedswiftlytowardthebackofthestore,whichwasteeming
withcustomersfillingtheircartswithorganicthisandorganicthat.AsMaxandIcame
uponanenormouscommercialdoor,withcrashingreliefIsensedthatbecauseeveryone
seemedtobefocusedmoreontheproducethanonme,notoneofthemhadrecognized
me.
Hewasabouttopressaredbuttononthewalltotherightofthedoorwhenhestopped
andturnedtome.“Areyouready?”heasked.
“Ithinkso,”Isaid.“Thecarisrightoutside?AwhitePrius?”
“WhenIpressthisbuttonandthedooropens,you’llfindjustthatwaitingforyou.Are
wegood?”
“We’regood,”Isaid.“Andthankyou,Max.”
“Itwasmypleasure,Sienna.HaveawonderfuleveningwithAustintonight.”
Whenhepressedthebutton,thedoorstartedtorumbleupandrollaboveus,exposing
thesidestreetintheprocess.Peoplewerehurryingbyonthesidewalk.Theindustrial
smellsofthecitywaftedintoclaimus.
“That’sthePrius,”hesaid,pointingatthecaridlingattheloadingdock.“Mariais
insidewaitingforyou.”
“WhoisMaria?”Iasked.
“Yourdriver,”hesaid.“Now,go.Austinsaidthatyouneededtobequickaboutthis.”
AndAustinwasright.So,offIwentontothesidewalk.Isteppedintothecar,Isaid
hellotoMaria,Ishutthedoorbehindmeandfastenedmyseatbelt,andwhenMariafound
hermomenttocutintotraffic?
Shesteppedhardonthegas—andoffIwentintoyetanotherunknown.
CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
Austinlivedafewblocksuptownfrommeinasleek,narrowhigh-riseonWestThirty-
FirstStreet.
WhenMariasweptthecarinfrontofthebuilding’sentrance,adoormanstepped
outsideandopenedmydoorforme.
“Ms.Jones?”heasked.
“I’mSiennaJones.”
“WelcometoTurnbille.”
Heofferedmehishand,whichItookasIsteppedout.
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Justletmepaythedriver,andyoucantakemeinside.”
“That’sunnecessary,”hesaid.“PaymenthasalreadybeentakencareofbyMr.Black.
Myordersaretogetyouinsideasquicklyaspossible.”
Austiniscoveringmyass,Ithoughtwithasenseofrelief.He ’s ontopofthis …
Beforethedoormanshutthecardoor,IthankedMariaandthenfollowedthedoorman
intothebuilding,throughalavishlobbylitwithwarm,lowlighting,andthentoabankof
elevatorsfarofftomyright.Whenhepressedabuttontocallforanelevator,thedoorsto
oneofthemswishedopenbehindme.
“Mr.Blacklivesonthethirty-sixthfloor,”hesaidasIsteppedintothecar.“Unitthirty-
sixF.Whenyouleavetheelevator,takethehallwaytoyourleft.Hisisacornerunit.It’s
sixdoorsdown.”
“Thankyou,”IsaidasIselectedAustin’sfloor.
“Itwasmypleasure,”themansaid.
Andthen,asthedoorsclosed,theelevatorbeganitsswiftascent.
Thisishappeningtooquickly …
Asthecarrose,Icheckedmyselfintheelevator’smirroreddoors.Thiswasthefirst
timeAustinandIwouldbealonetogetherforanextendedperiodoftime,andbecauseI
hadmyownagendawhenitcametotonight,Iwantedtolookmybestforhim.Iadjusted
myhair,straightenedmyoutfit,andappliedafreshswipeoflipstickbeforethecarslowed
toastopandthedoorsopened.
Livingherehastobeseriouslyexpensive,IthoughtasIsteppedoutoftheelevatorand
intoagorgeousspacemarkedbygleamingpearlmarblefloorsandrichmahogany-covered
walls.ButHarperdidsaythatAustinheadedoneofthemostsought-aftersecuritydetails
intheindustry,soclearlyhe ’s makingseriousbankfromJackson.Icanonlyimagine
whathethinksofmysorryapartment.
Butthemomentthatthoughtcrossedmymind,Iknewhedidn ’t care.BecauseI
wouldn’tbeherenowifhehadcared.Andthatknowledgealonemademefeelsomehow
closertohim—whichisthelastthingIwanted,givenallthatwastocome.
Feelingvulnerable,alive,overwhelmed,andexcitedattheprospectofspendingtime
alonewithhim,Icameuponhisapartmentdoorandstoodthereforamoment,collecting
myself.
Endtheflirtation.Seeifhe ’s willingtowaitforyou.Ifhe ’s not,moveon.
ItookadeepbreathbeforeIknockedonthedoor,andthenIliftedthegirlsbeforethe
dooropenedtorevealAustinhimself.
WhenIsawhim,hetookmybreathaway.
Ithoughthe’dbewearingsomethingcasualtonight—maybeapairofkhakismatched
withawhitebutton-downshirt.Butthatwasnotatallwhathewaswearing.
Instead,hewassportingablacktuxedothatfittedhismuscularbodytoatee.Hehadn’t
shavedsincemorning,andhissexydarkstubble—nottomentionhispiercingblueeyes,
whichwereframedwithdarklashes—werelustinducing.
Helookedbeyondhandsometome,andgiventhedrunklookofdesireinhiseyes,he
alsoappearedgenuinelyhappytoseeme.
Imovedtospeak,butbeforeIcould,heheldouthishandtome,andItookit.Heled
meintothefoyerbeforeclosingthedoorbehindus.
“Youlookamazing,”hesaid.
Sidelinedbyhowwellhe’ddressedforthenight,Itriedtocomposemyselfwhenhe
releasedmytremblinghand.
“Thankyou,”Isaid.
“Andthankyouforchoosingthatdress.Ihopeyouchoseitwithmeinmind.”
IwasabouttotellhimthatIhadn’t,butwhylie?Whydenyit?I’dcomeherelooking
likethisforareason.
“Idid,”Isaid.
“I’mgladyoudid,Sienna.Youlookstunning.Thankyouforgoingtoallthetroublefor
me.”
“Icouldsaythesametoyou,”Isaid.“Icertainlydidn’tcomehereexpectingtofind
youinatux.”
“Whenyou’rehavingdinnerwithoneofthemostbeautifulwomenintheworld,you
wearatux,”hesaid.“Now,howaboutadrink?Ihavechampagnechillinginthefridgefor
dinner,sothat’scovered.ButoverthepastthreeweeksofwatchingoverJacksonandyou,
Ialsohaveapitcherofmartinisprepared.”Hearchedaneyebrowatme.“Caretojoinme
withone?”
Austin,youcan ’t getamartiniinmyhandfastenough …
“I’dloveamartini,”Isaid.
“Noolives—justatwist,right?”
“You’vebeenpayingthatcloseattention?”
“I’vebeenpayingattentiontoyoueversincewefirstmet.”
Iwantedtosay,“Youtoo?”ButIcouldn’t,andsoIdidn’t.
“Thatwouldbeperfect,”Isaid.“Howdoyoulikeyours?”
“Filthy.”
God,ifyou ’re listeningrightnow,pleasegetmethroughthis!
“Thelivingroomisjustaheadofus,”hesaidashishandtookholdofmineandledme
downalonghallway,throughwhichIsawthatAustinhadaseriouseyeforart.Awhole
hostofpaintingscoloredeverywallininterestingwaysthatmademewanttolingerand
lookatthem.
ButIwasn’tgiventhechancetodoso.
Instead,aswewalkeddeeperintohisapartment,Ibecameawareofseveralmouth-
wateringaromas.Dinnerwasclearlyinthemaking,butwhatwashecooking?Ismelled
tarragon,mustard,garlic,andwhathadtobemeatofsomesort.Itwasbeef—notporkor
chicken.
Andtherewereothernotes,suchasthestarchofroastedpotatoes—orwasthatrisotto?
Icouldn’tbesure,butithadtobeoneortheother.Anotherundercurrentwastherich,
pineysmellofrosemary,whichIparticularlyloved.
Aswepassedthebrightlylitkitchentoourright,Icaughtaglimpseofitandsawthatit
wasgleamingwithstainless-steelappliances,amassiveislandinthecenteroftheroom,
andshinygranitecountertops.Itwasatruecook’skitchen,whichunderscoredwhat
Austinhadsaidtomeearlier.
Hetookcookingseriously,likelybecauseofhisrelationshipwithhisgrandfather.When
wepassedthedimlylitdiningroom,asawalowbowlfilledwithgorgeouswhiterosesin
thecenterofaroundtablethatsparkledwithwhitechinaandtallstemware.
He ’s totallygoneallouttonight,Ithought.AndI ’m abouttodisappointhim.Ihate
thatIam,butwhatchoicedoIhave?BecauseJuliaisright.I ’ve beenbrokefortoo
manyyears,andseeingJackson ’s contractthroughtoitsendwillgivemethefinancial
securityIneed.WillAustinagreetowaitforme?Ihopehewill,butifthat ’s toomuchto
askofhim,I ’ll havetoacceptitgracefullyandjustmovethehellon.
WhenIsteppedintothelargeandimpressivelivingroom,Iwasimmediatelystruckby
thetwohugewindowsthatofferedgenerousviewsofthecity,whichglimmeredbeforeus
likeadream.
Inthecenteroftheroom,tworetrobeigesofasfacedeachother.Betweenthemstooda
glasscoffeetable,onwhichflickeredalow,off-whitecandle.
Otherwise,thelightshadbeendimmedtoaromanticglow.AndlikelybecauseIwasin
themidstofexperiencingsensoryoverload,onlythendidIbecomeawareofthemusic
Austinhadchosenforustolistentotonight.Itwasasoft,moody,contemporaryjazzthat
surreallymatchedexactlyhowIfeltatthatmoment:completelyunpreparedforthenext
beatandunawareofwhatwastocomenext.
“WhileImakeourmartinis,youcaneitherhaveaseatononeofthesofasandrelax,or
youcantakeintheview.Whateveryoulike.”
“I’mchoosingtheview,”Isaid.“WhereIlive,myviewlooksnothinglikethis,as
you’vealreadyseen.”
“Onedayyou’llhaveaspectacularviewofthecity,Sienna.Butfornow,pleaseenjoy
mine.Believeme,ittookmeyearsandahellofalotofhardworkbeforeIfinallygotthat
viewformyself.I’llberightback.”
AsIwalkedovertooneofthewindowsandlookedoutatthecity,Ithoughtitlooked
particularlyprettytonight.AfterI’dsoakeditin,Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtothe
musicplayingthroughthesurround-soundsystem,drinkingitinandbecominglostinit—
untilIheardAustinaggressivelystarttoshakeourdrinksinthekitchen,whichbrought
mebackintomyself.
Ilookedovermyshoulderasiceandliquidstartedtosmashagainsteachother,and
whenIturnedtolookforhim,allIsawwasthewallthatdividedus.
He ’s seducingme,Ithought,returningmyattentiontothecity.Butnotovertly —he’s
beingmoresubtleinpersonthanhewasinhistextsthismorning.He ’s playingme
now …
I’dcomeherearmedforsomethingmoreaggressive,butifanything,Austinwasgoing
outofhiswaytomakesureIwasrelaxed—notthathe’dfullysucceededwhenitcameto
that.Afterall,seeinghiminhistuxedohadnearlydonemein—couldhepossiblyhave
lookedanyhotter?No.Andthentherewasthisgorgeousapartmentofhis.Everything
aboutitwasimpeccable.Nodetailhadbeenoverlooked.Andnothingaboutitremotely
lookedlikeabachelorpad.Ifanything,itlookedmorelikeahometome.Hishome.A
placewherehecouldrelaxafteralongday’swork.Ilookedaroundthelivingroomand
couldonlyimaginehowsoothingitwouldbetositononeofthesesofaswithacocktailin
handandrelaxwhileadmiringthecity.
Howthehellwasthismanstillsingle?Itstymiedme.Icouldn’tmakesenseofit.This
citywasfilledwithgorgeous,accomplishedsinglewomen,andAustinwasthefull
package.So,Ihadtowonder.Howcoulditbethatnoonehadmanagedtoopenthat
packageyet?
Maybesomehavetried,Ithought,turningagainbacktothecity.Likeme,maybehe ’s
justbeenfocusingonhiscareerwhilewaitingfortherightpersontocomealong.
WhenIconsideredthat,Istoppedmyself.
AmIthatperson?BecauseifIam —
“Areyouenjoyingtheview?”hesaidfrombehindme.
Iturnedtofacehimwhenhesaidthat,andwhenIdid,Isawthathewasstandingatthe
livingroom’sentrancewithtwomartinisinhishands.Thelightofthecandleonthecoffee
tablereflectedofftheglassesaswellashiseyes,whichseemedlitwithfireashecrossed
theroomandofferedmemydrink.
“I’mgladyoucame,Sienna,”hesaid.“Iknowyoufeltitwasarisk.Ihopethatnow
youfeelit’slessofone.”
No,Austin,Ithoughtaswetouchedglassesandsippedourdrinks.NowIfeelthatthe
riskisevenbiggerthanI ’d imagined.IshouldhavelistenedtoJulia.Inevershouldhave
letitgothisfar.InevershouldhavebelievedIcoulddothisinperson.Toyourface.
Becauserightnow … rightnowIfeeltooweaktostoptheheatthat ’s buildingbetween
us.Afterallthetroubleyou ’ve gonethroughtonight,Idon ’t knowifIcanevenfindthe
wordstosaywhatIwasplanningtosaytoyou.Ihadnoideayou ’d gotosomuch
trouble.I ’ve completelyunderestimatedeverything,andnowIfeellikeagoddamnfoolto
havebelievedIcouldjustcomehereandshutdownwhateverhasbeenescalatingbetween
us.
“What’swrong?”heasked.
“I’msorry?”Isaid,lookingupathim,startledoutofmyreverie.
“Yourexpressionjustchanged.IhopeI’mnotcrossinganylineshere,butyoujust
lookedovercomebygrief.”
HadI?Iprobablyhad.Andforgoodreason — InowhadaclearideaofthemanI
neededtoleavebehind.Anditwaskillingme.
HemusthaveknownexactlywhatIwasabouttosay,becausebeforeIcouldsaya
word,hetookmymartinifrommyhandandplacedourdrinksonthecoffeetable.When
heturnedbacktome,therewasapulsingsenseofneedinhiseyes,andheheldmyfacein
hishandsforalong,heatedmomentbeforeheacted.
“Austin—”
“No,”hesaid.“Don’t.”
Withoneswiftmotion,hepressedthefullweightofhisbodyagainstmineandnailed
meagainstoneofthewindows.Everythingafterthathappenedsoquicklythatitleftmy
headspinning.Whenhislipsmetmine,thekisswesharedwassoelectric,intense,and
erotic,Icouldfeelitpassfrommyheartstraightthroughtomytoes,whichcurledupward
inmyheelsasIdrankhimintome.
WhenIcouldnolongerhelpbutgivehimafiercekissofmyown,Ididso—andI
knewinmygutthatwhateverhappenednextwouldforeverchangethecourseofourlives.
CHAPTERFOURTEEN
Aswekissed,hislipsscorchedagainstmyflesh,leavingintheirwakewhatfelttomelike
fireasmyarmsreachedaroundthebackofhisneckanddrewhiminevencloser.
Ourtonguescollidedanddanced.Ourbodiessurgedandthrummed.Atonepoint,Ifelt
thattheuniversewasexpandingrightinfrontofme—butthenIrealizedwhatwas
expandingwasAustin,whosecrotchwaspressedagainstmyleftthigh…andmyGodwas
theuniverseeverhuge!
Asfrightenedasyouare,youknowthisisright,Ithought,shovingasidemyinitial
fears.Letdownyourguard.Letgoofwhat ’ sholdingyouback.Atleastfortonight.If
onlyfortonight …
Ibecameunhinged.
“Christ,you’rehot,”hesaidroughlyagainstmyear.
“AndyournameisAustin—asinTexas,”Isaiddeliriously.“Youpracticallypersonify
heat.”
HeclockedmewithahumoroussmilewhenIsaidthat,andthen—withawickedgrin
—hetookmeintohisarmsasweflungourselvesheadlongintoaheatedhotbedofdesire.
Irakedmyfingersthroughhisimpossiblythickheadofblackhairandtuggedatthe
backofit,whichonlymadehimgrowlashereacheddownandgrabbedahandfulofmy
ass.
“BetterthanIimagined,”hesaid.
Nottobeoutdone,Iloweredmyrighthandandtookafistfulofhisownass,feelingmy
kneesgoalittleweakasIdid.“AndyoursisjustastightasIthoughtitwouldbe.”
Undonebydesire,westartedtofliphorizontallyacrossthelivingroom’stwowindows
aswekissedeachotherwithafervorI’dneverfeltinmylife.
Firstitwasmybackpressedagainstthecoolpanesofglass,thenitwashis,andthen
wecontinueduntilwewereoutofwindowsandhadnochoicebuttogobackintheother
direction.
Aswepinwheeledacrossthelivingroom,myheartandmysoulseemedtoshoot
straightintotheetherasIwonderedwhathadbecomeofme.WhowasI?WherewasI?
Howhadthismanclaimedmybodyandmymindandturnedthemintoacylinderofsex
unleashed?
Atonepoint,Austinremovedthewoodenstickholdingmyhairtogether,andwhenhe
did,myhairfelldownaroundmybackinashiverofsoftwaves.Ishookitoutandtossed
itback,notingthedangerouslookofdesirethatenteredhiseyes.
“Iwantyou,”hesaid.“Ican’twait,Sienna.Tohellwithdinner—wecanordertakeout
laterifwewant.Morethananythingintheworld,Iwanttomakelovetoyounow.Don’t
denyusthismoment.”
Ilookedlonginglyathimwhenhesaidthat,thinkingaboutalltheramificationshaving
sexwithhimwouldbring,butevenastheyemerged,theyonlystruckbricks—becauseI
alreadyknewtherewasnostoppingthisfromhappening.AsmuchasIwantedtodenyit,
allthishadbeeninevitable.Itwastimetofindoutifourconnectionwasreal.
“Whereisyourbedroom?”Iasked.
HiseyesbrightenedwhenIsaidthat,likelybecausehe’dthoughtIhadbeenaboutto
shuthimdown.Butwithoutmissingabeatorsayingaword,hesweptmeoffmyfeetand
intohisarmsasifIweighednothing.Andwhenhedid,ourlipscrashedagainsteachother
againasheledusoutofthelivingroomandintothehallway…whereIsmelleddinner
cooking.
“Austin—”Isaid.
“God,youtastegood,”hesaidwhenourlipsparted.
“Austin,Ithinkyoumightwantto—”
Hismouthstoppedmeagain,thistimeasitlightlykissedthenapeofmyneck,which
feltsotenderandsensuoustomethatitwasenoughtosilencemejustsoIcouldlingerin
thesheeramazementofitall.Butonlyforamoment.Iquicklycamebackintomyself.
Withmyindexfinger,Iliftedhischinsohehadnochoicebuttolookatme.
“Austin,”Isaid.
“Ican’twaittohavemy—”
“Dinner,”Isaidtohim.
Hefurrowedhisbrowatme.“Dinner?Sienna,you’renotdinner.You’refucking
dessert.”
Igiggledwhenhesaidthat,whichclearlyperplexedhim.
“WhatamImissinghere?”heasked.
“Dinner,”Isaid.“Icansmellitcookinginthekitchen.Beforeyoutakemetoyour
bedroom,Ithinkyoushouldtendtowhateveryou’recooking.I’dhateforittoburnand
setoffsmokealarmsbeforewedosoourselves.”
“Shit,”hesaid,swingingmetowardthekitchen.“Iforgotaboutdinner.”
“Theonlythingthatshouldbecookinginyourapartmentrightnowisus,”Isaidinhis
ear.“Putmedownandgotakecareofthekitchen.I’llbeherewaitingforyou.”
“I’mnotlettinggoofyou,”hesaidashestrodetowardthekitchen.“Notnow.You’re
comingwithme.”
“Butwithmeinyourarms,howareyougoingtomanage?”
“Trustme,”hesaid,“Icanmanage.”
Andbecausehewassostrong,hedid.
Withhisrightarmcurvedalongthelowofmyass,Iheldtightlytohisneckaswe
enteredthekitchen.There,Austinturnedofftwoovensbeforedeftlyslippingintoanoven
mittthatwaslyingonthecountertop.Heopenedtheovendoorsandremovedtwopans—
adelicious-lookingbeeftenderloininoneofthemandsizzlingroastedpotatoesinthe
other.Heplacedeachpanontopofasix-burnerstovebeforelookingatme.
“Thatwasgoingtobedinner,”hesaid,“alongwithaCaesarsalad.”Hearchedan
eyebrowatme.“Justsoyouknow,Ialsomadeacucumber-infusedamuse-bouche.”
“Thatsoundsdirty,”Isaidtohim.
“Itwasmeanttosounddirty.”
“WhyamIturnedonbyyouandyourculinaryways?”Iaskedhim.
“ProbablyforthesamereasonI’mturnedonbyyouandyourhumor?”
“Well,”Isaid,glancingdownatthetenderloinandthepotatoes.“Theylookwonderful,
Austin.Eveniftheyareundercooked.”
“Maytheyrestinpeace,”hesaidbeforehekissedmeagain.
Whydoeshecontinuetounderscorejusthowfunnyheis?Ithoughtaswekissed.
Becausethataloneisbeyondsexy …
Asweleftthekitchenandhecarriedmedownthehallwaytowardhisbedroom,Ifeltat
oncetensewithanticipation,overcomewithexcitement,andthrilledinthemoment.I
hadn’tbeenwithamansinceEric.
Andso,Ihadtowonder—whatwoulditbeliketomakelovetoAustinBlack?
CHAPTERFIFTEEN
WhenweenteredAustin’sbedroom,heswitchedonthelightsanddimmedthemtoasoft
glow.WhenIlookedaroundtheroom,Iglimpsedamasculine,stylishinteriordominated
bytwothings.
Firstwasthelargewindowattheroom’sfarleft,whichofferedsweepingviewsofa
citythatseemedaselectricasIfelt.Secondwastheking-sizebedalongthewallacross
fromme.Madeintheartsandcraftsstyle,itwastheroom’sfocalpoint,particularlygiven
itsstrikingbrown-leatherheadboardandthetworeadinglampsfixedtothewallaboveit,
thusilluminatingit.
WhenAustinputmedowninthecenteroftheroom,myheartwasbeatinghardagainst
mychestinanticipationofallthatwastocome,Ifeltlight-headed.Withhiseyestrained
onmine,heshruggedoffhisjacket,tosseditontoanearbychair,andstartedtoremovehis
bowtie.Everythingabouthimwasperfect.Hischiseledface,hisimpossiblymuscular
body,hisquietconfidence,hiskindness—andtheveryclearsensethathehungeredfor
me.
Hewassexyashell.
Withhistiegone,heleanedforwardandgavemeasearingkissthatwasheated.Fierce.
Passionate.
Andwantingmore.
Whenweparted,hepressedhisforeheadagainstmineforalongmomentbeforehe
tookastepbackandstartedtounbuttonhisshirt,beginningattheneckandthenworking
hiswaydown.Unabletohelpmyself,Iglanceddownandsawthebroadexpanseofhis
chestasitwasslowlyrevealedtome.Liketherestofhim,itwasmassive,thewhiteT-
shirtheworeunderneathstretchedtightlyacrossit.Whentheshirtwasgone,hisstiff,
arousednipplestentedthethinmaterialofthisT-shirtinwaysthatwerewildlyeroticto
me.Ijuststaredatthemagnificenceofhim.
“Iwanttoundressyou,”hesaid.
Iwantedthesame.
Inresponse,Isimplyturnedmybacktohimsohecouldunzipme.Butwhenhedidn’t
dosoatonce,itoccurredtomethatAustinwasinnohurrywhenitcametogettingme
intohisbed.AsIstoodthere,unabletoseehimbutknowinghewastakingineveryinch
ofme,mysensesbecameacute.
Icouldhearhimbreathing—low,shallow,steady.WhenItookadeepbreathtocalm
mynerves,Ismelledhisdistinct,masculinescent,whichwasenoughtomakemeshutmy
eyestightly.
HowlonghaditbeensinceI’dsmelledamanwhoneedednocolognetodefinewhohe
was?I’dbeensurroundedbymalemodelsforsolong,ithadbeentoolongagoto
remember—butIlovedit.Iappreciatedit.FinallyAustincameupbehindme,andwhen
hedid,hewrappedhisarmslowagainsttheflatofmystomachandpulledmetowardhim
soIcouldfeelhisexcitementthrobbingagainstmyass.
Itwastoomuch.Itwassensationoverload.Whenhekissedeachofmybareshoulders
beforesteppingawayfrommeandbeginningtolowermydress’szipper,Ithoughtfor
sureIwasabouttocomerightthenandthere.
ButIdidn’t.
Ascoolairtouchedmyback,ashiverofanticipationshotthroughme.Ilookedatthe
windowinfrontofmeandsawinitmyownreflection.Ilookedlikeawomanundone.
Mylipswereparted.Thedesireinmyeyeswasunmistakable.IthoughtIlookedlike
anotherperson—someonewho’djustbeensetfree.
AsmydresscameoffandAustinhelpedmeoutofit,Isawinmyreflectionthepretty
lacebraandpantiesI’dchosentoweartonight,andIthankedGodI’dhadthesenseto
wearthem.BeforeIcouldturntoAustinandshowthemtohim,hislipswerealready
againstthenapeofmyneck,wheretheylingeredbeforeheslowly,maddeninglystartedto
kissthelengthofmyspine,stoppingjustabovethecurveofmyass.
Thestubbleonhischinsentwavesofheatthroughme.Ifelthishandscurvearoundmy
innerthighs,whichhebegantostrokewiththelight,featherytouchofhisfingertips.With
hisbreathhotagainstmyskin,Icouldfeelmyselfgrowingwetforhim.
NeverinmylifehadIthoughtitpossibletocraveapersonsomuch.ButIdid.Andhis
namewasAustinBlack.
“Turntome,”hesaid.
Hewasstillkneelinginfrontofme.IfIturnednow,he’dcomeface-to-facewithmy
sex.Itwascoveredfornow,butgiventhethicknessIheardinhisvoice,Iknewit
wouldn’tbeforlong.
Iturnedtohim,andwhenIdid,hiseyesburnedashelookedupatme.
“Iwanttoexploreeveryinchofyou,”hesaid.
Unabletostopthisnow,Isimplyshruggedathim.“What’sstoppingyou?”
HesmiledwhenIsaidthat,andthenhestood.Hekickedoffhisshoes,lookedstraight
intomyeyesasheremovedhisbelt,andthenpulledhisT-shirtoverhishead,finally
revealingtomeallthathadbeenhiddenbeneath.Istaredathisnakedtorso.Hischestwas
thickyetcut,anditsportedthefaintestdustingofsoft,darkhair,whichtraileddownhis
cordedabsbeforedisappearingintohisbulgingblackpants.
“Whoshouldtakeoffmypants?”heasked.“Me?Orshouldthatbeyou?”
“Thatwouldbeme,”Isaid.
“So…what’sstoppingyou?”
Ismiledwhenhesaidthat,andIwatchedhimputhishandsonhisnarrowhipsashe
waitedformetodotohimwhathe’djustdonetome.
WhenIkneltbeforehim,Itookmytime,wantingthismomenttobuild.First,I
unfastenedhispants,thetopofwhichprettymuchsplitintoawideVduetothesheer
pressureofhiserection.Withoutlookingathim,Ikissedtheareaoffleshjustbelowhis
bellybutton,andthenIranmytonguealongitashegaspedinsurprise.Withawicked
grin,Ireachedupandtuggedathiszipper.AsIcontinuedtolowerit,Icouldfeelthe
anticipationbuildingbetweenus—especiallywhenIrealizedthatAustinwasn’twearing
anyunderwear.Whenthatbecamecleartome,Istoppedandsimplylookedupathim.
“Doyoualwaysgocommando?”Iasked.
“Notusually,”hesaid.“ButlatelyIhave.”
“Why?”
“Let’sjustsayI’vebeenneedingtheextraroomlately.”
“SoIsawthismorning.”
WithabrazennessIrarelyfelt—butneverthelessseized—Itracedmyindexfinger
alongthecurveofhispenis,whichinflamedhim.Iwentfromthebaseofhisballstothe
tipofhisheadbeforeslowlytracingmywaybacktowardthezipperasmyownsex
throbbedwithdesire.
JustasIwasabouttotughispantsdown,Isuddenlystopped,stoodbeforehimashis
eyeswidened,andthenreacheddownandgrabbedhisbulgeinmyrighthandaswe
kissed.Afterthismorning,IalreadyhadagoodideaofhowlongAustinwas.ButIsureas
hellwasn’tpreparedforjusthowthickhewas,whichunnervedme.
He ’s biggerthanhelooked,Ithoughtasmyhandtightenedaroundhimandourlips
parted.HowamIevergoingtotakehim?
AndthenIknew.
Thelongerthisgoeson,themoreI ’ll beopenforhimwhenhefinallyentersme.
“Mybra,”Isaid.“Wouldyoutakeitoff?”
“Howaboutthisfirst?”
Heclaimedmylipswithhisown,andIfelthistongueplungeintomymouthashe
reachedaroundandgentlygrabbedthebaseofmynecksohecouldpullmeclosertohim.
Aswekissed,Ifeltoursoulsintertwine.
“Turnaround,”hesaidwhenthekissended.
Iturned,felthimdeftlyunfastenmybra,andthenwatcheditsailacrosstheroomina
briskshadowoffarewell.Withmybreastsfreed,Ileanedmybackagainsthisrock-hard
chestashiswarmhandscuppedmybreasts.Whenhepinchedmynipples,myheadreared
backindelight,andIheardalowmoanofpleasureescapemylips.Iheardhimsayinmy
ear,“I’vewaitedtoolongforthis.”
Unabletostanditanymore,Iswungaround,andinonequickmove,Ipulleddown
Austin’spants,allowinghisenormouscocktospringfreeandhangheavilybeforeme.
Thesightofitalonerenderedmespeechless,butbeforeIcouldpanicatthethoughtof
howI’deverbeabletotakeallofhim,Austinsweptmeintohisarmsandcarriedmeover
tohisbed.There,helaidmedownontomybackashepulledoffmyblackpanties,tossed
themaside,andkneltbeforeme.
“You’resobeautiful,Sienna,”hesaidtomeinalowvoice.“Doyouevenknowhow
beautifulyouare?Especiallynaked?”
Whenhismouthpressedagainstmysexandhistonguestartedtorunlightlyalongmy
foldsbeforehebrushedthestubbleonhischinacrossmyclit,Iarchedmybackasrivers
ofpleasurepulsedthroughme.Ashistonguereachedinevendeeper,Itriednottocryout,
butitfeltsogoodthatIcouldn’thelpthecriesthatescapedmeasIgavemyselfoverto
him.
Hishandssmoothedupmytorsoandmetmybreasts,kneadingthemashecontinuedto
godownonme.AsIlaytherewiththisbeautifulmantouchingmeinwaysIhadn’tbeen
touchedinyears,Iwasawareoftheperspirationmoisteningmyskinandthefactthatmy
breathingwasquickening.
Whenhistonguestartedtoflutteragainstmyclit,itsentmeoutofmybodyasImy
eyessnappedopenandItriedtocatchmybreath.Encouraged,Austindidn’tstop.Instead,
hejusthecontinuedtopleasuremetothepointthatIfeltIwasabouttocomeundone.
Withmyhandsstretchedoutatmysides,Igrabbedthesoftbedspreadandtwisteditin
myfistsashissofttongueexploredmeinwaysthatfewmenhadbeforehim.Arushof
heatcoursedthroughmybody.Ifeltmysexbegintosurge.Andthen,whenhehitme
withthestubbleagain,Iwrithedbeneathhistouchandcamealmostatonce.
Insteadofstoppinghim,myorgasmonlyurgedAustintokeepdoingeverythinghewas
doingtomeuntilIliterallycouldn’ttakeitanymore.Iwantedhimontopofme.Hell,I
wantedhiminsideme.Despitehowlargehewas,IknewIwasreadyforhim.
“Austin,”Isaidbreathlessly.
Hedidn’tanswerme.Instead,hisonlyresponsewastocontinuetoflickhistongueover
myclitbeforehisstartedtosuckgentlyonit.Mybodylavishedinthesensationshewas
givingme,butIwantedmore.Ineededmore.Isubtlybuckedmyhips,andheliftedhis
headandlookedatme.Whenhesawtheneedinmyeyes,heslowlystoodandrevealed
allofhimselftome.
Andthatwasallittook,becauseIbecameundoneasImarveledathim.Austinhad
beentouchedbythegods.Withhisskinslickwithsweatandhishairhangingdamplyover
hisforehead,helookedotherworldlytome.Seeinghimlikethis—inamomentofpure
primallust—wassomethingIknewI’dneverforget.
“Takeme,”Isaidtohim.
Wordlessly,Austinloweredhisbodyontomineandkissedmedeeply,meaningfully.
Ribbonsofdesirerangoutintohisbedroomasourbodiesconnected—skinagainstskin,
heartagainstheart,lipsagainstlips.Whenhebrokeawayforair,Ibitdownononeofhis
nipples,whichonlyseemedtofuelhim.
Iwassowetandreadyforhimthatwithonemerestroke,hewasinsideme.Butbefore
hebegantothrust,hepausedtomakesureIwasreadytotakehim.
“It’sOK,”Isaidtohim.“Makelovetome.”
Forthenexthour,Austinmadelovetomethreetimes.Asourbodiescollidedagainst
oneanotherinrisingtidesoflustandheatthatbecameourownprivateoceanofpleasure,
eachofuscametocompletionagainandagainandagain.Whenmyfinalclimaxshook
throughme,IknewIhadmyanswerwhenitcametoAustin.Whatwesharedwasfar
morethanamerephysicalattraction.Whatwehadwasreal.Itwaspalpable.Itwas
undeniable.
Weweremeanttobetogether.
AndasIlaytheregasping,mybreastsheaving,anoverwhelmingsenseofguilt
overcameme.BeforeIleftheretonight—andregardlesswhatAustinandIhadjust
experiencedtogether—Iknewmyinitialintentionsincomingheretonightcouldn’t
change.IstillhadtohonorthepromiseI’dmadetoJackson…andalsotomyself.And
becauseofthatalone,anddespitewhathadjustoccurredbetweenAustinandme,IknewI
hadnochoicebuttoaskhimtowaitsevenmonthsforme.Andthisterrifiedme—because
Icouldn’tblameifhedidn’t.
AndIknewverywellhemightnot.
CHAPTERSIXTEEN
Afterwe’dshoweredtogetherandtoweledofftogetherandIhaddonnedoneofAustin’s
whiteterry-clothbathrobes—whichdwarfedmebutwhichneverthelesssmelleddistinctly
ofhim—weleftthebathroomforthebedroom,andIaskedwithasenseofdreadifwe
couldspeakinthelivingroom.
“Weshouldgetsomesleep,”hesaid,“don’tyouthink?Bothofushavealongdaywith
Jacksontomorrow.”Hewasstandingbeforemeinnothingmorethanhisboxershorts,
gentlystrokingmydamphairwiththebackofhishand.“Wecantalkinthemorning.
Overcoffeeandbreakfast.”Hiseyestwinkledwhenhesaidthat.“Tonight,dinnermight
havebeenamiss,butIcertainlycancookforyouwhenwewakeup.”
“Austin,Ineedtoleavehereunderthecoverofnight,”Isaid.
Hefurrowedhisbrowatme.“Why?Whilewewereshowering,Iwasthinkingyou’d
sleephere.Icangetyouhomesafelyinthemorning.Nobodywillknowyouwerehere
tonight.”
“Youcan’tpromisemethat.”
“Yes,Ican.Igotyouheresafelytonight,didn’tI?Icangetyouhomesafelyinthe
morning.Trustmeonthis.”
“It’snotthatIdon’ttrustyou.WhoIdon ’t trustarethepaparazziandwhenthey’re
goingtostartstalkingmyapartment.Becauseonedaysoon,that’sgoingtohappen.We
bothknowit.”
“Sienna,look—whenitcomestoJackson,youshouldseethekindofshitI’vepulled
overtheyearstokeephissexualityprivate.Hegotcaughtkissinghispilotfriendwhile
boardinghisplanebecausehebrokeprotocolbychoosingtokisshiminpublic.That’son
him—notme.AndJacksonknowsit,becauseotherwisehewouldhavefiredme.He ’s
theonewhofuckedup.”
“Thatmaybe,butIneedyoutohearmeout.Afteryoustartedtosextmethismorning,
Icameheretonightwitheveryintentionofaskingyouinpersontopleasestop,becauseI
needtonotonlyhonormycontractwithJacksonbutalsonaildownmyownfinancial
security.Whatwejustexperiencedwasamazing—itwasfabulous—butithasn’tchanged
whyIagreedtocomehere.”
“Idon’tgetit,”hesaid.“You’reasuccessfulmodel,andyoujustscoredbigwithLion.
You’vealreadygotfinancialsecurity.”
“Areyouserious?”Isaid.
“Don’tyou?”
“Austin,comeon.You’veseenmyapartment.Doesn’tthatsayitall?”
“Ilikeyourapartment,”hesaid.
“Then,please,let’sexchangemineforyours,becausethisplaceisapalacecomparedto
mine.Andjustsoyouknow,minehappenstoberent-controlled,whichiswhyI’mableto
affordlivinginChelsea,ofallplaces.”
“WhatamImissinghere?”
“ThatI’mborderlinepoor—andthatI’mnosupermodel.WhenIwalktherunway,I
earnonlythedailygoingrate—whichhappenstobeshit,bytheway.AsforLion —
whichwasanindependentfilmwithalmostnobudget—Itookthefiftygrandtheyoffered
metostarinitbecausethescriptwasexcellent,thedirectorwasnewandexciting,andI
thoughtitmightopenupnewopportunitiesforme—whichitdid.Becauseaftermywinat
Cannes,alongcameMimiandJacksonandthedealtheyofferedme.IfIsticktoit—
whichImust—onedayI’llnolongerhavetoworryaboutlivinghandtomouth.”
“Thingshavebeenthathardonyou?”heasked.
“Austin,I’mprettymuchbroke.”
“Butyoureceivedasigningbonus,”hesaid.
“Ireceivedtwohundredandfiftythousandforthenexteightmonths,”Isaid.“Given
mycredit-carddebt—whichIplantopayoffsoIcanbreatheagain—andespeciallyhow
expensiveitistoliveinthiscity,thatmoneywillgofast.Worse,Iwillonlybepaidinfull
ifIhonorJackson’scontractstraightthroughtotheend.IfIdon’t,I’mfucked.That’swhy
Icameheretonight,becauseIdon’tthinkyouunderstandhowlongthingshavebeendire
forme.DidIeverthinkwe’dendupmakinglovetonight?God,no.Butwedid,anditwas
wonderful.Idon’tregretit.ButyouhavetounderstandthatI’vebeenlivingontheedge
forsolongthatIneedthemoneyJackson’sofferingme.”
Foramoment,wefellsilent.ThenIgentlyplacedthepalmofmyhandagainsttheheat
ofhisbarechest.WhenIfelthisheartpoundinghardagainstit,Icouldsensehispassion,
hisfrustration,hislust,andalsohiscompassion.AndwhenIlookedintohiseyes,Isaw
allthoseemotionslaidbaretome.
Ispokequietlytohim.
“Wecan’tseeeachotheragain,”Isaid.“Atleastnotlikethis,becauseIcan’triskit.
TherehavebeentimesovertheyearswhenIcouldn’tevenaffordtoeat,soHarper
steppedintotakecareofme,whichwashumiliating.ButIloveherforit.Ifanything,
eversinceImovedhere,mylifehasonlybeenscary,lonely,frustrating,anddifficult.And
becauseofthat,Ihopeyou’llunderstandthatnotonlydoIneedthemoneyJackson’s
offeringme,Ialsoneedtoearnit.Ineedtodowellbyhim.Becausesevenmonthsfrom
now,whenIcashthatcheckofhisandfinallycanwalkawayknowingJacksonisgoingto
befineandthathiscareerisbackontrack,myconstantworriesaboutmoneywillbegone.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,I’llfinallybefinanciallyfree.”
“Ihadnoidea,”hesaid.
“OnlyHarperknows,”Isaid.“AndJulia,ofcourse.Theyaremybestfriends.They’ve
quietlyhelpedmethroughoutallofthisbecausethey’vealwaysbelievedinme.And
becausetheyhave,Ialsocan’tletthemdownbyscrewingthisup.”
“I’msorryifIpressedyouthismorning,”hesaid.“Ididn’tmeanto.Ididn’tknow
aboutanyofthis.”
“Whywouldyou?”Iasked.“It’sprivate.Ionlyshareditwithyousoyou’dunderstand
whywecan ’t be.”
“Can ’t be?”hesaid.“Sienna,whatareyoutalkingabout?Neitherofuscandenywhat
justhappenedthere,”hesaid,pointingtowardhisbed.“I’veneverexperiencedanything
likethatwithanyonebefore.Notonce.Canyousaythesame?UnlessI’vemisread
everything,Idon’tthinkyoucan.”
EveryfiberofmybeingtoldmethatnowwasthemomenttoadheretoJulia’sadvice
andshutthisdownbetweenus—totellhimIdidn’tfeelasstronglyashefelt.Totellhim
thatwhateverhewasfeelingwasonhim—notme.
Butthatwouldbeabold-facedlie.AndbecauseInowknewforafacttherewas
somethingrealandrightandbeautifulbetweenus,IalsoknewIcouldneverbethatcruel
tohim.IfIliedtohim,he’dknowit—andthatwasjustsomethingIcouldn’taccept.
So,Itoldhimthetruth.
“Whatwejustsharedwasmagical.Youwerewonderful.Wewerewonderful.It’sjust
that—”
“Igetit,”hesaidinalowvoice.“YouneedtohonoryourcommitmenttoJackson,and
youneedtosecureyourfuture.”
“Ido.”
“Then,we’lldoourbesttoworkaroundthat.”
“Buthow?Austin,IjusttoldyouallthereasonsIcan’tmessthisup.”
“Butdon’tyousee?”heinsisted.“Youdon’thavetoriskanything.”
“Tellmehow.Especiallynowthatmyheartisontheline.”
“You’reoutofthiscontractin…what?Sevenmonths?”
“Aboutthat,yes.”
“Then…I’llwaitforyou.”
ItwaseverythingI’dwantedtohear,butafterbeingwithhimandmakinglovetohim,
couldIreallybelievethatamanthissensitive,thoughtful,andbeautifulwouldn’tcatch
someoneelse’seyesintheensuingmonths?Andthathemightrespondinkind?Tonight
hadbeenpowerful,buthaditbeenpowerfulenoughtoseeusthroughtotheotherside?
AsmuchasIwantedtobelievewecouldmakeit,IalsoknewInevercouldbesure.
“Ican’taskyoutodothat,”Isaid.
“Why?”
“Becausesevenmonthsmightaswellbeayear.Inthemeantime,youcouldmeet
someonenewwhoisworthyofyou.YouandIbothknowthatcouldhappen.Becauseshit
likethatdoeshappen,Austin,aswejustwitnessed.”
“WhichisexactlywhyI’mwillingtowaitforyou,Sienna.BecauseIagree—whatjust
happenedbetweenusisrare.”
“Youmaketheideaofwaitingsoundsoeasy,”Isaid.
“Itwon’tbeeasy,”hesaid.“Infact,itwillfuckingkillme.Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’m
notwillingtowaitforyou,becauseforme,youareworthwaitingfor,andifyouwould
justtrustinme,Iwillwait.ButIhavetoask—whydon’tyoubelievethatIwill?”
Andherewegointothatpartofmylife …
“Nottoolongago,Igotseriouslyburnedinmylastrelationship.”
“Bywho?”
“HisnameisEric.”
“Howlonghasitbeen?”
“Twoyears.”
“Whatdidhedotoyou?”
WhenAustinaskedmethat,Ifeltafireofrageburningdeepwithinmybelly.
“Hecheatedonme,”Isaid.“Icamehomeunexpectedlyoneafternoonafteramodeling
shootgotcalledoff,andIfoundhimscrewinganotherwomaninourownbed.We’dbeen
togetherforfouryearsatthatpoint.TimeandagainErichadtoldmehewasinlovewith
me.ThatIwasitforhim—andI’dbelievedit.I’dbelievedinhim.AndthenIwalkedinto
that.AndwhenIdid—afterfeelingsoclosetohimandsolovedbyhim—itshatteredme.
Hell,itchangedme.”
Hisfacesoftened.“I’msorry,”hesaid.“Whathedidtoyoumusthaveguttedyou.”
“Itdid.Ihaven’tdaredtobewithanothermansince.”
“Becauseyouthinkthatitmighthappenagain.”
“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“Whyshouldn’tIbelievethat?”
“Andyetyouwerewithmetonight.”
“Yes,becauseIsensethatyou’redifferent.”
“You’reright,”hesaid.“I’dneverdothatwhenitcomestoyou.”
“Austin,whatamItodothree,four,orfivemonthsfromnowifyoudofallforanother
woman,especiallywhenI’minvestedinyouandwaitingforyou?”
“I’mnotgoingtobelooking.”
“Wereyoulookingwhenyoumetme?”
Thatcausedhimtopause.
“No,”headmitted.“Butyouneedtounderstandthatmystandardsarehighwhenit
comestorelationships.I’vebeensingleforthepastfiveyearsforthatreasonalone.Idon’t
takerelationshipslightly.Andtrustmeonthis,I’mnottakingthismomentlightly.”
Austin,Ihadawonderfultimetonight,Ithought.AndIhopeyoureallyarethereseven
monthsfromnow.Butformyheartandsanityalone,Ican ’t allowmyselftobetonthat.I
can ’t havemyheartbrokenagain.Thelasttimewastoomuch …
KnowingIhadtogetoutofthere,Ilookedaroundthebedroomandwonderedwhere
he’dtossedmydressandmyundergarmentswhenhe’dremovedthemfromme.Sincethe
lightingwassodim,Icouldn’tseewheretheywere.
“Ineedtogo,”Isaidasmythroatconstrictedandmyeyeswelledwithtears.“Ineedto
getoutofherenowbeforeIcompletelyloseit.”
“Listentoyourself,Sienna,”hesaid.“Youknowthisisright.”
Overcomewithemotion,IblinkedthroughtearsasIlookedaroundthebedroom.“I
can’tseemydress,”Isaid,“ormyunderwear.Canyoupleaseturnupthelights?”
Withafrustratedsigh,hedid.
“Pleasedon’tgolikethis,”hesaid.
WhenIspottedmypanties,bra,anddresslyinginvariousplacesaroundthebedroom,I
gatheredthemup,tossedthemontothebed,andthendroppedmybathrobeandquickly
changedintothem.WhenIwasfinished,Islippedintomyshoesandwalkedovertohim,
givinghimameaningfulkissonthelipsthatsearedthroughmelikeascaldingknife.And
then—unabletocopewiththeridiculousgroundswellofemotionsIfelt—Iheldhisface
closeinmyhandsandlookedintohiseyesuntilIcouldn’tanylonger.Therewastoo
muchfalsehopeforusthere.
Getout,now.Getoutbeforeyougetinevendeeperthanyoualreadyare.
“Thankyoufortonight,”IsaidasItookastepawayfromhim.“Ihopethatwecanstill
befriends.”
HelookedwoundedwhenIsaidthat—andthatlookalonekilledme.
“Sienna,ImeanteverythingIsaidtoyou.Iwillwaitforyou.I’llhaveyouinmybed
again.We’llbetogetherlikethisagain.”
Iwantednothingmorethantobelievethat,butitwasridiculoustothinkthatanyman
wouldwaitsolongforme.AndwhywouldAustin,afterjustonenighttogether?Whyget
myhopesup?Onlytopotentiallyhavethemcrushed?Icouldn’tdothattomyself—orto
him.
Getoutofthiswhileyoucan …
“Whyareyoureyessobright,Sienna?”heaskedme.
“Youalreadyknowwhy,Austin—whenwemadelove,mybodytoldyoueverything
youneedtoknowabouthowIfeelforyou.”
WhenIturnedawayfromhimtoleave,tearsfellfrommyeyesandspilledontomy
cheeks.
Don ’t lethimseethem.Don ’t youdarelethimseethem.
Withmybacktohim,Ileftthebedroomandstartedtowalkdownthelonghallway,
movingswiftlypastthelivingroom,thediningroom,andthekitchen,finallyemerging
intothefoyer,whereIfoundmyclutchonasidetable.
“I’mnotgivinguponus,Sienna,”hecalledafterme.
WhenIreachedforthedoor,Ifeltthepalmofhishandpressagainstthelowofmy
back,andhesaidmynamewithasenseofurgencythatfeltsorightthatIalmostturnedto
kisshimafinaltime.
ButIdidn’t—Icouldn’t.ItwouldruinmeifIdid.
Ihadtogetoutofthere.Andso,withoutansweringhim,Iopenedthedoorandlefthim
behind.Upsetthatforsomanyreasonsthatwereoutofmyhands,wecouldn’tbe,I
enteredthehallwayandhurriedtowardthebankofelevators.WhenIfoundthem,I
enteredthefirstonethatopenedforme.
ItwasonlywhenthedoorsslidshutandIwasinthecaralonethatIburiedmyfacein
myhandsandopenlybegantoweep.
CHAPTERSEVENTEEN
Overthenextthreedays,Austinbeganwhatapparentlywashisnewmissioninlife—
tryinghisbesttoteardownmywallsandprovetomehewasindeedseriousaboutwaiting
forme.
SinceIknewinmyguttherewasnostoppingthisman,Iwasgratefulthatatleasthe
wasdiscreetandprofessionalwheneverwewerearoundJackson,Harper,orMimi.When
wewerewithoneorallofthem,heneveroncerevealed—withhisfaceorwithhiseyes—
anytraceofhisdesireforme.
Butitwasthere.Iknewitwas—heshowedittomeinawholehostofotherways.
Firstcamethedozenrosesthatweredeliveredtomyapartmentthemorningafterwe’d
madelove.Theywerefull,lush,andbeautiful—andcamewithacardthatsimplysaid,“I
meantwhatIsaid.I’mnotgivinguponus,Sienna.Andbecauseofthat,Ialsodon’twant
youtoseeredthismorning.–A.”
I’dsmiledwhenI’dreadthat,becausetheroseshe’dsenthadbeenwhite.
Thesecondday,whenJacksonhadtoshootduringtheevening—whichmeantthatmy
nightwasfree—Austintextedmelateintheafternoon.Whathesaidwasassimpleasit
wasmysterious:“Don’tcooktonight.”
Later,Ifoundoutwhy.Themanwho’donceproclaimedhimselfthekingoftakeout
provedhewasn’tjoking.Atseventhatevening,alargedeliveryfromMomofukuKo—a
high-endrestaurantreveredinManhattanandaroundtheworld—arrivedatmyapartment.
Thecontentswereanembarrassmentofriches.
Insidetheseveralwhitetakeoutboxesweresuchthingsassnappertartarewithshiso
andgreenchili;foiegraswithpinenutsandlychee;farfallewithbrusselssproutsand
Szechuanpeppercorns;Muscovyduckwithlimepickleandcrèmefraîche;asoft-boiled
eggwithpotatochips,caviar,andherbs;andevenadelicious-lookingpieceofchocolate
cake.WhenItriedtotipthedeliveryman,hetoldmethetiphadalreadybeentakencare
of.Hispartingwordstomewere,“Mr.Blackhopesyouenjoyyourmeal.”
Idid—andthensome.
Onthethirdday,whichwastoday,JacksonandIhadspenttheafternoonbeing
photographedfeverishlyasweenjoyedadayofshoppingalongFifthAvenue.Whenour
timetogetherwasover,Austindrovemehome.Andwhenhedid,Icouldliterallyfeelthe
tensesilencestretchingbetweenus—allthewordsgoingunsaidinthevacuumofsilence
I’dcreatedwhenI’dwalkedoutonhim.
AlthoughAustinhaddrivenmehomeeverydaysincethatnight,wehadn’tshared
morethanafewpleasantries.SinceIdidn’twanttoencouragehimtothinkIbelievedwe
evercouldbe—andespeciallybecauseIdidn’twanttoleadhimon—Ihadn’tthankedhim
fortherosesorforthefabulousdinnerhe’dsentme,whichmademefeellikeapieceof
shit,butwhatcouldIdo?IknewthatifIdidthankhim,I’donlyencouragehimtodo
moreandalsoengagehiminconversationwhenIwastryingmybesttoputdistance
betweenussoIcouldprotectmyheart—andalsohis.Still,theguiltIfeltfornotthanking
himwassooffthechartsitwasridiculous.
Weweredrivingdowntowntomyapartmentwhenhebrokethesilence.
“Caretolistentosomemusic?”heasked.
Imethiseyesintherearview.
“Whatkindofmusic?”
“Idon’tknow.Youknow…music.”
“Areyouplanningonplayingjazzformeagain?”
“Idon’tliketorepeatmyself.Whatwouldyouliketolistento?”
“Maybeadancestation?”
“Youliketodance?”
“Ilovetodance.”
“Well,lookatthat,”hesaid.“Afterthreedaysofsilence,Ijustlearnedsomethingnew
aboutyou.”
“Ihaven’texactlybeensilent,”Isaid.
“Sayinggoodmorningtomedoesn’treallycutitwhenitcomestohavinga
conversation,Sienna.ButIgetit.Youjustneedsometimeandspacetocometoterms
withyourfeelingsforme,especiallyafterwhathappenedbetweenustheothernight,
whichblewbothofusaway.Andwhenyoufinallyhaveyourcome-to-Jesusmoment—
whichyouwillatsomepoint—IplanonreassuringyouthatIwillwaithoweverlongI
needtowaitforyou.Becauseyou’reworththewait.AndI’mnotgivingup.”
Andherewegowiththisagain.IfwehadtowaitonlyamonthbeforeIwasoutofmy
contractwithJackson,I ’d beallinwithyou,Austin.Butsevenmonths?Sevenmonthsis
thekindofbetIjustcan ’t takewithmyheart.
Sticktotheplan,Ithought.You ’re rightaboutthis.Juliawasrightaboutthis.Listen
toyourgut …
Ilookedathimintherearview.
“Ifdanceisn’tyourthing,whatwouldyouliketolistento?”Iasked.
Hepressedabuttonontheradio’sconsole.“Lately,I’vebeenlisteningtothis.”
Whenthefirstnotessounded,Irecognizedthesongimmediately—andknewatonce
I’dbeensetup.Weweren’tonanyradiostation,becausejustlikethatweweresuddenly
listeningtoMariahCarey’s“LoveTakesTime,”whichspeaksaboutthedangersofletting
loveslipaway,thatCareyhadn’tbeenabletoescapethepain,andthattherewasahollow
inherheartthatneededtobehealed.
Hesohadthatsongreadytogo.Fuckmylife,already.
Itdidn’texactlytakeadoctorateinpsychologytoknowwhathewasdoing—Austin
wasusingCarey’ssongtospeaktomeinwaysIwasn’tallowinghimto.AndevenIhad
toadmitthatthesongdidsoinwaysthatresounded.AsIlistenedtothetrack—which
happenedtobeafavoriteofmine—IclosedmyeyeswhileCareysangaboutaperson
whosaidhedidn’tcareaboutheranddidn’tneedher,butsheknewthatdeepinsidehe
did.
Switcharoundthepronouns,andthatpersonclearlywasmeanttobeme.
“Austin…”Isaid.
“Listentothewords,Sienna.”
Takethebitterpill,swallowit,andsaynothing,Ithought.Lethimmakehisstatement.
Don ’t engagehimmorethanyoualreadyhave.
AsCareywailedonabouthowfuckingsadshewas,Idecidedtoseparatemyselffrom
themusicbylookingoutthewindowtomyright.There,Isawathrivingcityeagerto
distractmejustwhenIneededitmost.
Itwasmidafternoon,thesunwasshininghighinthesky,andasthecityspedbyaswe
cruiseddownFifth,itdidsoinaseriesofvignettes.
Isawanelderlycoupleholdinghandsastheywalkeddownthesidewalk,aman
playingsaxophoneonastreetcornertoasmallgatheringoflisteners,andthreesmiling,
whoopingboysdartingthroughthecrowdsonskateboards,theircolorfulshirtsblazingin
flashesofred,green,andwhite.
Ilookedlonginglyatitall.ThecityI’dcometoloveandcallhomewasasunleashedas
ever—itwasraw,free,andaliveinwaysIwasfeelingisolatedfromduetomygrowing
celebrity.
WitheachheadlineJacksonandImade—andtheywerecountlessatthispoint—Iwas
startingtofeelmildlyclaustrophobic.Justthisweekalone,therewasanoticeableshiftin
thesheernumberofpeoplewhorecognizedmeonthestreet.OnMonday,whenIwentto
thedrycleaners,Ifoundmyselfsurroundedbypeoplewhowantedtotakeselfieswithme
orwhowantedmyautograph—orboth.TheexperiencehadbeensounnervingthatI’d
calledHarperwhenIgothome.She’dtalkedmedown,butnotwithoutwarningmethat
JacksonandIhadsaturatedthemediaforsomanyweekswithliterallythousandsof
photospostedofusinnewspapers,magazines,andonlinethatthetippingpointhad
obviouslycome.
Famewasuponme.
Atfirst,IthoughtwhathadhappenedonMondaywasafluke.Butitwasn’t,because
nextcamethecrowdofyoungwomenwho’dswarmedmeattheSephoraoffWest
NineteenthStreetonTuesday.
ThemomentI’dwalkedintothestoreandmadethemistakeoftakingoffmy
sunglasseswithouteventhinkingabouttheramificationsofdoingso,itwasclearthatjust
seeingmeinpersonwasnowenoughtocauseaminorriot—particularlysincethestore
wasfilledwithteenagegirlsandwomenintheirtwenties,allofwhomlikelyhadthehots
forJackson.WhenIwasspottedbyaprettybrunette,sheblinkedtwiceatmebeforeher
jawdroppedandsheturnedtoherfriends,sayingloudenoughfortheentireblocktohear,
“Oh,myGod—SiennaJonesisinthefuckingstore!”
WhenIwasengulfedbydozensofteensandtwenty-somethings,Iquicklybecame
overwhelmedwithawholehostofquestionsthatrangedfromwhatJacksonCruisewas
likeandifIwereinlovewithhimorfallinginlovewithhimtowhathewaslikeinbed—
andcouldtheypleasetakeaselfiewithme?Ifeltobligedtodothelatter,becauseIgotit
—asfarastheyknew,Iwasdatingoneoftheiridols.Ialsoknewwhattheyreallywanted
frommewasaphototakenwiththemfortheirInstagramfeeds.WhenIsawseveralofthe
girlsstartingtocalltheirfriendstoalertthemthatIwasinthestore,Ileftwithoutbuying
anything—butwiththeknowledgethatIwasrapidlybecominganobjecttobestudied,
assessed,andobsessedover.
I’dalwayswantedtobeanactress,butinmyfighttobecomeone,Ihadn’tgivenmuch
thoughttothetrueweightofcelebrity,whichhadbeennaiveofme.Atsomepointsoon,I
neededtocometotermswiththisnewlifeofmine.Yearsago,Jacksonhadhadtodothe
samething.Ashadsomanybeforeuswhohadwatchedtheirownworldsshrinkastheir
privacywasstrippedawayfromthem.Becausethisnewlifeofminewasn’tgoingaway
anytimesoon—ifever.
“Whereareyou,Sienna?”Austinasked.
IwassolostinthoughtthatIhadn’trealizedthesonghadendedandthatwewerenow
ridinginsilence.Forhowlong?Ididn’tknow.Insteadofshuttinghimdown,Ijust
shruggedathim.
“I’minaplacethatIneedtocometotermswith,”Isaid.
“Whatplaceisthat?”
“Aplacewheremyanonymitynolongerexists.”
“You’rebecomingfamous,”hesaid.“EachtimeyouandJacksongoout,itjustgets
crazierandcrazier.Imean,lookatwhathappenedtoday,forinstance.Cartierhadtoshut
itsdoorstothepublicwhenyoutwowereinside.Andafterwordhadspreadthatbothof
youwereatCartier,afewhundredpeoplehadgatheredoutsidetocatchaglimpseofyou.
Itwaspandemonium.Thatkindofadjustmentcan’tbeeasy.”
“I’llbefine,”Isaid.“Andpleasedon’tthinkI’mcomplaining,becauseI’mnot.Ijust
needtogetusedtoit.Andadapttoit.That’sgoingtotakesometime.”
“IsawJacksongothroughit,”hesaid.“Thereweretimeswhentheattentiongavehim
amassivehigh—butothertimes,Iknewhewasstrugglingwithhislackofprivacy,
especiallywhenitcametohowitaffectedhispersonallife.Buthe’stoldyouthat.”
“Hehas,anditsaddensme.Jackson’sagoodman.Hedeservestohaveloveinhislife
—wealldo.Ihatethathefeelshecan’topenlysharehislifewithanotherman.ButI’m
workingonhim.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Idroplittlehintshereandthere.”
“Littlehintsaboutwhat?”
“Thepossibilitiesofhiscomingout.”
“Andhegivesyounopushbackforthat?”
“WhenIfirstbroachthesubject,hedoesn’t.He’lllisten.ButwhenIgotoofar,heshuts
medown.Asheprobablywilloverdinnertonight,becauseIplantobringupthesubject
againinafewhours.”
“OntheyachtMimicharteredforyoutwo…”
“Thepapswillbetheretoseeusgettingontoit,butoncewe’reonitaloneforour
‘romantic’cruiseontheHudson,I’llhaveJacksontomyself.”
“Notcompletelyyouwon’t,Sienna.Thestaffwillbelistening.”
“I’mamasterwhenitcomestospeakingincode,Austin.”
“Andlookatthat—that’stwothingsI’velearnedaboutyoutoday.”
“Veryfunny.”
Heclockedmeintherearview.
“Inallseriousness,Ineedtoaskifyou’rebeingrecognizedwhenyou’reoutonyour
ownnow.Orareyoustillabletoflyundertheradar?”
“Yeah,notsomuchanymore.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
Itoldhimwhathadhappenedtomethisweek.
“Whyhaven’tyoutoldmeaboutanyofthat?”heasked.“JesusChrist,Sienna,when
youareinsituationslikethat,youneedsomesortofsecurityaroundyoutoassistwith
crowdcontrol.Becauseifnooneisthereforyouandthingsbecometoomuchforyouto
handle,whatareyougoingtodothen?WhatwouldJacksonandyouhavedonetodayif
mysecurityteamandIhadn’tbeeninplacetoprotectbothofyou?Youseehowinsane
it’sgetting.IfyouandJacksonhadgoneouttodayonyourown,youwouldhavebeen
screwed.Thesameistrueforyounow.”
IlookedatAustin—andknewhewasright.
“WhodoIhire?”Iasked.“Canyougivemesomeleads?”
“Sienna,whatareyouthinking?”heasked.“Youshouldn’tbetheonepaying.Jackson
shouldbetheonewhoprovidesyouwiththatkindofservice.Itsureashellshouldn’t
comeoutofyourpocket.Itshouldcomeoutofhis,becauseyou’rehelpinghim.Now,
listentomeforamoment—”
Hestoppedshortwhenhesaidthat,andthenIheardhimcursebeneathhisbreathashe
touchedthebrakes.
“What’sthematter?”Iasked.
“We’vegotaproblem.”
“Whatkindofproblem?”
Hepointedtowardmyapartmentbuilding.“Thatproblem.”
WhenIleanedforwardandlookedthroughthelimousine’sfrontwindow,whatIsaw
leftmefeelingdeflatedandexposed.Itwasn’tjustthepaparazziIsawwaitingformein
frontofmyapartmentbuilding—therewereafewhundredpeoplewaitingrightalongwith
them.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
“Itoldyouthiswouldhappen,”IsaidasAustinpulledthelimousineupnexttomy
building.Themomenthedid,thepapspracticallypoppedoffthesidewalkandbegan
takingphotographsofmeinsidethecar.Rightbehindthemcameaslewofotherpeople—
likelyJackson’sfans,becausetheycertainlycouldn’tbefansofmine—whowerearmed
withtheirsmartphones,andeagertotakemyphotographastheycriedoutinexcitement.
Inamatterofmoments,ourcarwassurroundedbyallofthem,whichcausedsucha
scenethatotherspassingalongthestreet,theircuriositiespiqued,joinedthemtoseewho
wasinsidethecarandwhatallthefusswasabout.
Despitethetintedwindows,thepaparazzi’sflashesweresobrightthatIknewthey
werecapturingme,sodespitehowunnervedIfelt,Ineverthelessdidmybesttocompose
myselfasIreachedformyhandbag.Insideweremysunglasses.Iremovedthemandput
themon.
“I’llgetyouinside,”Austinsaid.“It’llbeOK.”
“I’mnotsosureIagreewiththat,”Isaid.“ThepapshavefinallyfiguredoutwhereI
live,whichmeansthatgettingaroundmyneighborhoodjustbecameseriously
complicated.Itoldyoutheothernightthatthiswasinevitable—andhereweare,Austin.I
justdidn’tthinkitwouldhappensosoon.Butwhenitcomestothepaps,whatIdon’t
understandisthattheyjusttookphotosofJacksonandmewhilewewereshopping.How
manyotherphotographsdotheyneed?”
“Sienna,atthispoint,theyclearlywantphotosofyoubyyourself.Peopleareinterested
inyou.Thingsareescalating.”
“Then,IguessI’dbetteradapt.”
“Look,rightnow,afewhundredpeoplearesurroundingthecar,”hesaid.“Gettingyou
intoyourapartmentisgoingtobedifficult.Doyouwantmetodrivearound,callinmy
team,andthenhandlethecrowdwhentheyarrive?Icandothat,Sienna.Infact,Ithink
thatweshoulddothat.”
“There’snotime.Austin,IneedtogetreadyformydinnerwithJacksontonight.
HarperandMimihavesetthingsintomotion.They’vealreadyleakedthatJacksonandI
willbearrivingattheNorthCoveMarinaateight.Ineedtimetolookmybest.”
“Ifyouwanttogoinnow,it’snotgoingtobeeasy,”hesaid,lookingatmeoverhis
shoulder.Whenoureyesmet,Itriedmybesttokeepmyfeaturesneutral,becauseafter
daysofprettymuchnotlookingathimatall,Inowhadnochoicebuttofacehimdirectly.
AndwhenIdid,theattractionIfeltforhimwaslikeameteorglancingbrightlyacrossthe
sky.
“So,howdowehandlethis?”Iasked.“HowdoIgetinside?”
“Withthismanypeople?”hesaid.“Youneedtoignorethepaps,andyoualsoneedto
ignoreyourfans.”
“Theyaren’tmyfans,Austin—they’reJackson’sfans.”
“Youdon’tknowthat,”hesaid.“Butbecausethissituationisnowaboutyoursafety,
don’tyoudarestopforevenoneselfie.Don’tdoit.JusttakemyhandwhenIofferitto
youandholdontoit,andI’llcarveapaththroughallofthem.”
“Allright,”Isaid.“Let’sgetthisoverwith.”
“Areyouready?”
“AsreadyasI’lleverbe.ButI’mscared,Austin,”IsaidasIlookedoutthewindow
andsawtheteemingmassesdesperateformetostepout.Severalpeoplehadcuppedtheir
handsagainstthelimousine’stintedwindowstocatchaglimpseofme.Thedinof
excitementwasbuildingtoafrighteninglevel.“Thisisridiculous,”Isaid.
“Icancallinmyteam,”hesaid.“Wecanwaithereforthem.”
“Howlongwillthattake?”
“Inthistraffic?Maybefortyminutes?”
“Toolong,”Isaid.“Getmeoutofhere.Getmepastthem.”
“Areyousure?”heasked.“BecauseI’mnot.”
“Ihavetogetreadyfortonight.Idon’thavetimetowait.”
“Then,sittight,”hesaid.“I’mgoingtogetoutofthecar,you’llseemewalkaround
thefrontofit,andthenI’lldomybesttogetyouinsideasfastasIcan.”
“OK,”Isaid.
“Let’sdothisshit.”
WhenAustinopenedthedoortoleavethecar,thesuddenroarofanticipationfromthe
crowdstunnedmetomycore.Peoplewereliterallyscreamingoutmyname.Theywere
shoutingitoutloud.WhenAustinshutthedoorbehindhim,thenoisemighthaveebbed,
butIneverthelessheardhimaskthecrowdtostepbackandgivehimtheroomheneeded
togetmesafelyoutofthecar.Austinwassuchaforebodingpresencethatthecrowddid
movebackabit—butnotbymuch.Hefoughthiswaythroughthehordesofpeopleand
finallycametomydoor.Iheldmybreathasheswungitopen.
Outside,chaosreigned.
ItwasasifIwereafuckingKardashian.Austinofferedmehishand,whichIgratefully
tookasIgrabbedmyhandbagandswungitovermyshoulder.ThenIsteppedoutinto
staccatorhythmsoflightthatweresobrightthattheyliterallyblindedmedespitethe
sunglassesIwore.
Peoplestartedtohurlquestionsatme—fromthepapsandfrommyallegedfans.
“Sienna,areyouplanningtomarryJacksonCruise?”
“Sienna,canIgetaselfiewithyou?”
“Sienna,youarefuckingawesome!”
“Sienna,pleaseturntoyourleft!”
“HasJacksonproposedtoyou,Sienna?”
“Sienna,please—justoneselfie!ItwouldblowupmyInstagram!Please!Youdon’t
knowwhatthatwouldmeantome!”
Inchbyinch,ImovedforwardthroughthehurricaneofnoiseandlightasIkeptmy
headdownandfoughttokeepasmileonmyface.Myhearthammeredagainstmychest.
I’dbeeninsituationslikethisbeforewithJackson,butneveronceonmyown—anditfelt
different.Itfeltdangerous.Itfeltthreatening.
Whatthehellhashappenedtomylife?
“Stepback!”Austinwarnedthem.“You’retooclose—youknowthatyoulegallyneed
togiveherroom.”
“Sienna,IsawyouatSephora!”
“Sienna,what’sitliketosleepwithJacksonCruise?IsiteverythingIdreamitis?Tell
meit’sbetter!”
“Sienna,howdidyouandJacksonmeet?”
“Sienna,please—thiswayforthecamera!”
“WhothehellisSiennaJones?”Iheardonemanask.
Iwantedtolaughoutloudatthat,butthensomebodybumpedintomesohardthatit
almostmademelosemyfooting.Iwaswearingfour-inchheels,forGod’ssake.Ifit
weren’tforAustin’sstronggrip,Iwouldhavegonedown.Buttogether,westrengthened
ourgrip,andaswedid—despitethecircusthatwasunfoldingaroundus—Ifeltthesame
bondwe’dsharedwhenwe’dfirstmadelove.Rightnow,Ifeltnotonlyhowprotectivehe
wasofme—butthathe’dliterallydoanythingforme.
“I’msorry,Sienna!Thatwasanaccident!Someonepushedme—Ididn’tmeantobump
intoyou!”
Iheldupmyfreehandtosignalthatallwasfine.
Untilitwasn’tfine.Atthatmoment,somebodyrushedupbehindmeandranhishands
upmytorsountiltheygraspedmybreastsandsqueezedthemhard.Startled,Iwhirled
aroundtoseewhoitwas,andwhenIdid,notonlydidIseetheyoungmanlaughingashe
backedawayfromme,hiscellphoneliftedhightofilmthemoment—butintheprocess,
myhandslippedfreeofAustin’s.
“What’swrong?”Austinasked.
“Thatmanjustgropedme!”Isaid.
“Whichman?”
“Thatone,”Isaid,pointingafingerathim.“Theonewho’slaughing.Hejustgrabbed
mybreasts—andhard.”
“We’vegotitontape,Sienna!”oneofthepapscalledout.Toscorepoints,thepaps
alwaysleapedtoacelebrity’sdefense,becausetheyknewthatiftheydid,whateverstar
theyweretryingtohelpoutmightrememberthemlater—andallowthemmoreaccessand
lessresistanceinthefuture.“Thatwasanassault.We’llgetthevideotoyou.Giveittothe
policesotheycanarresthim.”
“Sendmethattape,”Austinsaidtothemanwho’dofferedit.Andthenheturnedtothe
manwho’dgropedme.“You’reluckyIcan’tleaveheralone,yousorrymotherfucker,”he
saidtohim.“BecauseifIcould,I’dbeatyourass.”
“Fuckyou,”theguysaid.Butwhenhesaidit,thecrowdturnedagainsthim.People
startedtocallhimout.Othersclosedinonhim.Isawonemuscularmaninhisthirties
walkovertohim,slapthephoneoutofhishands,andstomponit—crushingit—before
takingthemanbythethroatandpunchinghimsohardinthefacethathecollapsedtothe
ground.
Atthefirstsightofblood,Ifeltmyselfgopale,horrifiedthatthiswasevenhappening.
IturnedtoAustinandreachedforhishandagainasthesituationbecameunhinged.Before
thisexplodedintosomethingneitherofuswantedtosee,Ibeggedhimtogetmeinside.
“Followme,”hesaid.
Withthecrowddistracted,hewasabletopullmeforwardthroughthethunderingsound
ofclickingcamerasasthepaparazzimovedinfasttogetinfrontofusandblockour
entrancetothebuilding.Inearnest,theywentforitandgottheirunexpectedmoneyshot
—myhorrified,terrified,deeplydisturbedexpression.
“Getoutofthewaynow,orI’llmoveyoumyself,”Austinsaidtothem.
Whentheyparted,theircamerasstillflashingandsnapping,wereachedthedoor.
Austinswungitopenwithforceandfinallygotmeinside.Asthedoorshutbehindus,I
heardpeoplescreamingmynameinwaysInowunderstoodweredangerous,threatening,
andterrifying.I’djustbeensexuallyassaulted.Allofithadbeencapturedbythepaps,
andtheywouldspreadmyassaultasfarandaswideastheycould.
Whatthehellisnextforme?Iwonderedasmybodybegantoshake.Austinwrapped
hisarmaroundmeandstartedtopressmeforward.Becausethatwasjustthetipping
point.Whathappensfromhere?Howbadwillthingsbecomeforme?I ’ve stillgotseven
moremonthsofthis!WhatthehellhaveIsignedupfor?
CHAPTERNINETEEN
“Areyouallright?”Austinasked.
He’dledusawayfromtheglassdoorsothepaparazzicouldn’tcontinuetophotograph
us.Wewerestandingaroundthecornerinthestairwellthatledtomythird-storywalk-up.
“Hereachedaroundmeandgrabbedmybreasts,”Isaid.“Whointheirrightfucking
minddoessomethinglikethat?”
“IwishIcouldhavetakenhimoutforyou,Sienna,butinthatsituation,there’snoway
Icouldhaveleftyourside.”
“No,youdidtherightthing—Iwouldhavebeenlostifyou’dgoneafterhim.Besides,
hegotwhatwascoming—whoeverthatmanwastookhimdown.”
“FromwhatIsaw,thatsonofabitchgotabustednose.”
“Nowwejustneedtobusthisassforwhathedidtome.”
“Thepolicewillbeinvolved—trustmeonthat.Iftheyaren’talready.Becausewho
knowswhat’shappeningoutsiderightnow.Thatcrowdturnedonhimforareason.Forall
weknow,theymightbedetaininghimuntilthepolicearrive.YouandIbothknowthat
someonecalled911.”
Itwastoomuchtoabsorb.StandingthereinfrontofAustin,Ifeltshaken,sexually
assaulted,andfrightenedbythethoughtofhowthepresswouldplaythiswhenithitthe
entertainmentshowsandonlinesitessoonerratherthanlater.
Whathadjusthappenedtomewasthekindofthingthatwentviral,whichmeantthat
interestinmewouldonlygrow.NotthatIwantedanypartofthatrightnow.Ifever.
“Weshouldgetyouinsideyourapartment.”
“Butwhataboutyourcar?”Isaid.“It’sdouble-parked.They’lltowit.”
“Letthem,”hesaid.“It’sacar.I’llgetitlater.Besides,mybusinessownsseveral
limousines.AndI’mnotleavingyoualonerightnow.”
Intruth,Ididn’twanttobealone,regardlessofthepotentialramificationsofbeing
alonewithAustin.Ijustnoddedathim,andwetookthestairstomyapartment.Whenwe
steppedinside,itwassweltering.
“Sorry,”Isaid.“Ishouldhavelefttheair-conditioningrunning,butItrymybestto
keepmyelectricbillaslowaspossible.”
“It’snotaproblem,”hesaid.
Hereachedformyhandandledmeintomylivingroom,wherethewhiteroseshe’d
sentmewerestandingtallandbrightinavaseonthecoffeetable.I’dkeptthem—and
nowheknewforafactthatIhad.Beingthegentlemanhewas,hedidn’tsayawordabout
them.Instead,heaskedifI’dliketositonthesofa.
“Iwould,”Isaid.
“Then,sit,”hesaid.“Youneedtorelax.”
WhenItossedmyhandbagontothechairacrossfrommeandsatdown,Iwatched
Austinwalkovertothewindowandturnonmyair-conditioningunit.Thelivingroom
wassosmallthatitwouldcooloffquicklyenough,forwhichIwasgrateful,becauseit
washellishinthere.WhenAustinsteppedinfrontofme,hisconcernformywell-being
wasetchedacrosshishandsomeface.
“CanIgetyouaglassofwater?”heasked.
“Youcangetmesomethingthatlookslikewater.”
HesmiledwhenIsaidthat.
“Areyoutalkingaboutamartini?”
“Areyouserious?Afterthat?That’sabsolutelywhatI’mtalkingabout.There’svodka
inthefreezer.Andthere’svermouth—”
“Iknowmywayaroundakitchen,”hesaid.“I’llfindwhatIneed.Youjustsittight.
Givemeasecond,andI’llbebackinaflash.”
“Ihopeyou’lljoinme,”Isaidashewalkedintothekitchen.“Youprobablycouldusea
drinkyourself.”
“Ishouldn’t,becauseI’mworking—buttohellwithit.I’mjoiningyou.”
“Onemartiniwon’tkillyou.”
“Onemartiniwon’t.”
Afterhe’dmadeourdrinksandreturnedtothelivingroom,hehandedmemineand
thenaskedmewhereI’dlikehimtosit.
“Youcansitnexttome,”Isaid.
Thatseemedtosurprisehim.
“Areyousure?”
Rightnow,IfeltsoviolatedafterwhathadhappenedthatIneededtobecloseto
someone.AndAustinwasit.
“I’msure.”
Hesatnexttome,andweeachsippedourdrinks.Foramoment,welapsedintosilence
aswetriedtoprocessthelasttwentyminutes.
Forweeks,HarperandMimihadstokedtheflameswiththepaparazzi,andhavingmy
photoblastedeverywherewithJacksonhadfinallycaughtupwithme.Wastodayan
anomaly?Orwasthisonlythebeginning?Ihadtobelieveitwasthelatter.WhatIalso
knewisthatifmylifeweregoingtoturnintothiskindofshitshow,Ineededmore
securityaroundme.Andlater,whenthetimewasright,Iplannedtoaskforit.Becauseas
goodasAustinwas,todayhe’dhadtostruggletokeepmesafe.He’dbecomeas
overwhelmedasIwas.Ifheweregoingtoprotectmegoingforward,hewouldhaveto
bringonothermembersofhisteamtodoso.
Dealwithitlater,Ithought.Austinjustdidhisverybestforme,andIdon ’t wanthim
tofeelthathedidn ’t. Latertoday,I ’ll talktoHarperalone,andI ’ll tellherexactlyhow
hardhetriedtoprotectme.Butshealsoneedstoknowthatintheenvironmentsheand
Mimihavecreatedforme,Ineededmoresecurity.NooneshouldexpectAustintohandle
whathejustenduredonhisown.
Iturnedtohim.
“Austin,Iwanttothankyouforgettingmethroughthat,”Isaid.“Youadvisedmeto
waitforyourstafftoarrivesotheycouldassistus,butIwasinsucharushtogetreadyfor
tonightthatIwasnaive.Ishouldhavelistenedtoyou.I’mbeyondsorrythatIdidn’t.I
hopeyou’llforgiveme.”
“Whyareyousorry?”heasked.“Sienna,youhadnocontroloverwhatjusthappened.
GoingintoyourcontractwithJackson,Ibetyouhadnoideathatagreeingtobehisfake
girlfriendwouldeverblowupintoanythinglikethis.”
“Harperwarnedmeasbestshecould,buttobecompletelyhonestwithyou,Idon’t
thinkIreallyheardher.I’vebeentryingsohardforsolongtomakeitinthisindustrythat
IthinkIjustwentblindlyintothecontractMimiandJacksonofferedmebecauseIknew
theattentionwouldhelpmycareerandthatthekindofmoneytheywereofferingme
wouldbenefitmeforever.WhatIdon’tunderstandiswhyIdon’thearaboutthesesortsof
thingshappeningtotheworld’sbiggeststars.LikeJuliaRoberts.OrMerylStreep.Or
Oprah,forGod’ssake?”
“That’seasytoanswer,”hesaid.“It’sbecausetheydon’thaveagentsaggressively
tippingoffthepapstotheireverymove.That’sthereasonthishappenedtoyoutoday.
HarperandMimiaregivingthepaparazzifreeandtotalaccesstoyouandJackson.The
otheractorsyoumentionedhavealreadymadeit.Theywanttoflyundertheradar,andfor
themostpart,theycandoso—unlessthey’reattendinganeventoramoviepremiere.”
“Whenmycontractisover,whatdoesmylifelooklikethen?”
“Thelifeyouoncelivedisofficiallygone,butyoualreadyknowthat.You’rea
celebritynow.You’renewandfreshonthescene,andpeopleareexcitedbywhattheysee.
Attheendofyourcontract,you’resettoshootthreemajorfilmsinarowwiththreeA-list
directors.Ifevenoneofthosefilmsbecomesahit,expectyourstartorise.Butaslongas
Harperisn’tfeedingyoutothepaps—liketheKardashiansare,forinstance,whoactually
wantthiskindofcrazinessintheirlives—thingsshouldsettledownforyou.Whenthe
papsaren’tawareofwhereyou’regoingtobeeveryday,thefeedingfrenzyshouldend.
Andbecauseofthat,you’llliveamoretolerablelife,Ithink.”
“Mayitbe,”Isaid.
“It’llgetbetter,Sienna.”
“Ihopeso.”
“Onceyourcontractisoverandyourfinancialsituationistakencareof,Iknowitwill.
AndI’llbethereforyouwhenitis,becauseIgetit.I’vehadtimetothinkaboutthis.The
kindofmoneyyou’rebeingofferedislifechanging,soIagreewithyou—youneedto
finishyourcontractwithoutmeinterferingwithanyofit.ButI’llsaythisagain,Sienna—
I’mnotgivinguponus.Iwillwaitforyou,whetheryouwantmetoornot.”
Somuchconvictionwasinhisvoicewhenhesaidthatthatforthefirsttime,Ibelieved
him.Firsttheflowers,thenthetakeoutfoodfromthegods,thenthesongbyMariahCarey
—andthenhisaggressionwhenitcametoprotectingmetoday.WasIwrongabout
Austin’sintentions?Washereallywillingtowaitsevenmonthsforme?Iwasbeginning
tobelievethathemightbe—thathewasserious—andthatcaughtmeoffguard.
“Thanksfortalkingmedown,”Isaid.“Andforhavingmybacktoday.”
“I’llalwayshaveyourback,Sienna.”
“Austin,Idon’tmeantodoubtyou,butyou’veonlyknownmeforamonth,andyet
yousoundsocertainaboutus.I’mtryingtounderstandhowthatcanbe,butIcan’t.”
“It’sbecauseI’mthekindofguywhoknowswhathewants.BecausewhatIfeelfor
you,Sienna,isreal.It’sthis.”
Heleanedforwardandkissedmewhenhesaidthat,andwhenhedid,mybody
respondedwithshiversofanticipationatthesuddentouchofhislipspressedagainstmine.
WhenherealizedIwasn’tgoingtopullawayfromhim,heleanedincloserandclaimed
mymouthwithahungerthatconsumedmetomycore.Therewaslonginginhiskiss.And
need.Andinthatneedwassomethingmore,somethingdeeper,somethingprofound.
Gently,hetookmydrinkoutofmyhandandheputbothourglassesdownonthecoffee
table.Whenhekissedmeagain,ashistonguesweptintomymouthandtastedme,itwas
asifhehadbecomeuntethered.
“Weshouldn’tdothis,”Isaid.
“Lookmeintheeyesandtellmeyoudon’twantthis.”
Icouldn’t,andsoIdidn’t.
Astheairconditionertriedtocoolofftheroom,weheateditup.Asdangerousasthis
momentfelttome,italsofeltdangerouslyright.WhenIdidn’tanswerhim,Austintook
meintohisarms,andwesharedthebeginningsofasearingkiss—justasmycellrang.
“Don’tanswerit,”hesaid,hisbreathhotagainstme.“They’llleaveamessage.Don’t
stopthisnow.”
“ButitmightbeHarper,”Isaid,pullingawayfromhim.“Wordmighthavealready
gottenout,andshemightbecallingintocheckonmebecauseshe’sconcernedaboutme.
Ihavetoanswerit.”
“Fuck…”hesaid.
“Ineedto.”
“No,you’reright,”hesaidindisappointmentashepulledawayfrommeand
straightenedonthecouch.IdidthesameasIreachedformyhandbagandremovedmy
cellfromit.Sureenough,itwasHarper.IshowedAustinthescreenandinfrustration,he
justnodded.
Iansweredthecall.
“Harper,”Isaid.
“I’vejustseenthenews,”shesaidwithconcerninhervoice.“WhatIneedtoknow
firstiswhetheryouareallright.”
“I’mOK.”
“WhereisAustin?”
“He’ssittingwithmenow.He’sbeentryinghisbesttocalmmedown,whichisnoeasy
task.HedeservesaraiseafterwhatI’veputhimthroughtoday.”
“Yousoundoutofbreath.”
Iam.AndasmuchasI ’d liketotellyouwhy,Harper,Ican ’t. You ’d havemyassif
youknewtherealreasonI ’m outofbreath.
“I’mupset,”Isaid,whichwasfarfromanoutrightlie,becauseIwasupsetbywhathad
happened.“Itwasterrible,Harper.Thatsonofabitchgrabbedmebymybreastsinfront
ofhundredsofpeople.”
“Iknowhedid.AndI’msorry,Sienna.I’veseenthephotos.”
“Wherehaveyouseenthem?”
“Atthispoint,I’mafraidthey’reeverywhere.NaturallyTMZwasthefirsttopostthem,
becausewhenaren ’t theythefirsttobreakthissortofnews?Everyoneelsejustfollowed
suit.”
Iknewthiswasgoingtobreakquickly,butnotthisquickly.
Shesighedintothephone.“Listentomenow,becauseIneedyoutounderstandthat
there’sactuallyasilverliningwhenitcomestothesesortsofunwantedsituations.”
“There’sasilverliningwhenitcomestobeingsexuallyassaultedinpublic?”Iasked
incredulously.
“InthewakeoftheHarveyWeinsteinscandal?I’mafraidinthisbusiness,thereis.
BeforeIcalledyou,JuliacameintomyofficeandtoldmeyouweretrendingonTwitter
again.Ireadsomeofthetweets,andwhatIcantellyouisthatthepublicisfiercelyon
yourside.Youhavetheirempathy,theirsympathy,andtheiroutrage.Peoplearefurious
aboutwhathappenedtoyoutoday,especiallysinceourcountryisinthemidstofhavinga
heateddiscussionaboutsexualassault,whetheritbeintheentertainmentindustryorin
Washington—orwherever.Andbecauseofthat,Sienna,yourfansarebehindyou,and
theyarefurious.”
“Theyaren’tmyfans,”Isaid.“They’reJackson’sfans.”
“Callthemwhateveryouwant,butthesepeopleareactivelyprotestingwhatthatman
didtoyou.Theywanthimarrested.”
“Whatarethechancesofthathappening?”
“TheTMZarticlestatedthatthemanwasdetainedbythecrowdandthatthepolicehad
beencalled.Havetheyreachedouttoyouyet?”
“No.”
“Ifthere’sanytruthtotheTMZarticle,theywillsoon.Youneedtobepreparedfor
that.”
“WhatdoesallthismeanformyeveningwithJacksontonight?”
“Nothing.Ifthepolicereachouttoyou,tellthemyou’llmeetwiththemtomorrow
morning.Becauserightnow?Inthisclimate?Theworldiswaitingtoseehowwellyou
handlethissituation,andtheansweristhatitmustbemetwithstrength,honesty,and
conviction.IfyoucancelyoureveningwithJackson,themanwhoassaultedyouwillhave
won.Doyouwantthat?”
“Absolutelynot.”
“Good,becausethisisyourmomenttoshowtheworldhowstrongyouare,Sienna.
Peoplewanttoseeyourresilience,andthat’swhatIneedyoutobringtonight.Ineedyou
toowntonight.IwantyoutoshowupattheNorthCoveMarinalookingmorebeautiful
thanyoueverhave,becausethatwillsendadefinitivemessagetoyourfansandtothe
worldthatyouareafiercewomanwhoisbiggerthanoneman’soffensiveactions.Iknow
I’maskingalotfromyou.IunderstandthatdoingwhatI’msuggestingwillbehardon
you,butIalsoknowhowthepublicthinks.Tonight,thewomanwhostarredinLionneeds
tocomeoutlookinglikealion.Itwon’tonlybemasseswhowillrespectyouifyoudo
that—italsowillbeeveryonewhohasbeensexuallyassaultedbeforeyou.Icanpromise
youthat.”
“Igetit,”Isaid.
“Sienna,Ihopeyoudon’tthinkI’mbeinginsensitiverightnow,becauseIfeelterrible
aboutwhathappenedtoyou.I’mjusttryingtoguideyouhereandgiveyoumybest
advice.Iknowthatwearingabravefacewon’tbeeasyforyoutonight,butIalsoknow
yourdeterminationandyourstrength.Andbecauseofthat,Ialsoknowyou’dregretitif
youdidn’tshowupfortonight’seventdespitewhatthatbastarddidtoyou.”
Asusual,Harperwasright.That’sthelastthingIwanted.
“TellJacksonandMimithattonightisstillon,”Isaid.“Iwillnotbowoutnowbecause
ofthatfreak.IhaveseveralhoursbeforeIneedtoleave,andI’llusethattimetopull
myselftogether.Don’tworryaboutme,OK?I’lldoeverythingIcantolookmybest
tonight.”
“Reachouttomeifyouneedme,”shesaid.
“Iwill,”Isaid.“Iloveyou,Harper.Thanksforbeingthereforme.”
“Mylovestraightbacktoyou,”shesaid.“Inspades,Sienna.I’llbethinkingofyou.
AndpleasethankAustinfordoinghisbestinwhatturnedouttobeanimpossible
situation.”
“I’vealreadytoldhimsomyself,butI’llalsosharewithhimyoursentiments.”
“Goodlucktonight.AndrememberthatI’mjustaphonecallaway.BeforeIletyougo,
IwanttotellyouthatJacksonandMimiareterriblyupsetbywhathappenedandthatthey
aregenuinelyconcernedaboutyou.Jacksonisparticularlyangry.He’salreadytakento
Twittertocondemnwhathappenedtoyoutoday.Thefiveofuswillmeettomorrow
afternoontoassessthedamageandhowweshouldproceedgoingforwardtomakesure
thisdoesn’thappentoyouagain.”
“Ilookforwardtothatmeeting,becauseIexpectthingstochange,Harper.Thiscan’t
happenagain.Ican’tbeambushedlikethatagain.Ijustcan’t.”
“Ihearyou,”shesaid.“Allofusareonthesamepage.We’llworkthisout.”
“Thanksforcheckinginonme.”
“I’malwaysavailabletoyou,mydeargirl—don’tyoueverforgetthat.Now,goout
therewithyourheadheldhigh,andknockthemdeadtonight.Showtheworldhowstrong
youare.Ifyoudothat,youwillleteveryoneknowthatsexualassaultsurvivorsareinfact
survivors.Leavethemwiththat,mydear,andyou’llnotonlywintoday—you’llalsoown
theday.”
***
WhenIgotoffthephone,Austinwasalreadyonhisfeetandpreparingtoleave.
“Ishouldgo,”hesaidinabrisktonethatsurprisedme.Ithoughthe’dstay,particularly
afterwe’dbeeninterruptedbyHarper.
“You’releaving?”Iasked.
“Youneedtorestabit,andthenyouneedtogetreadyfortonight.ClearlyI’ma
distractionwhenitcomestothat.I’llbeheretopickyouupatseventhirty.WhenIarrive,
buzzmethrough,andincasethereareanypapsorfanswaitingoutsideforyou,we’lldeal
withthem.”
“Butifthey’restillthere,howarewegoingtodealwiththemonourown?”
“Wewon’tbedealingwiththemalone,becauseIplanonbringingoneofmymenwith
me.I’llcomeandgetyoumyself,justasIalwaysdo.ButasfarasI’mconcerned,what’s
happeningtoyounowismorethanIcanhandleonmyown.Whenitcomestoyou,David
isnowofficiallypartofyoursecuritydetail,evenifhedoesn’tknowitjustyet.Youmet
himaweekago,whenthingsreallystartedtobecomecrazyforJacksonandyou.Youare
atthepointwhereyouneedseriousprotection,andDavidisasgoodasitgetswhenit
comestothat.HeandIwillprotectyou.Andifthetwoofusarenotenough,I’llbringin
anotherman.BecauseIwillprotectyou,Sienna,evenifIcan’tdoitbymyself.”
Iknewthathisinabilitytoprotectmeonhisowncouldn’thavebeeneasyforhimto
admit,butthat’swhathewasdoing—andIcouldtellbythetroubledlookonhisfacehow
ashamedhefeltthathecouldn’t.
“Austin,youwereterrifictoday,”Isaidtohim.
Helookedhardatme.
“Actually,Iwasn’t,Sienna.Iletyoudown.Iapologizeforthat.Ishouldhaveknown
thisdaywouldcome,justasyoupredicteditwould.IguessIwantedtokeepyouto
myselfforaslongasIcouldbeforethedaycamethatIcouldn’t.Thatwasselfishofme.
Youdeservebetterthanthat.I’msorryIallowedmypersonalfeelingsforyoutogetinthe
wayofyoursafety,becausethatshouldhavecomefirst.Andthat’swhatmattersmostto
menow.IfIdon’tkeepyousafe,thenwhatthehellkindofmanamI?”
Whydoeshesoundasifhe ’s suddenlyshuttingusdown?
“Austin,wegotthroughtodaytogether,”Isaid.
“No,wedidn’t,Sienna.Onmywatch,youweresexuallyassaulted.I ’m theoneto
blameforthat,andbecauseofthat,Ineedtogetmyshittogether.Ineedtodorightbyyou
andnotrightbyme.”
“Waitaminute,”Isaid.“Whereisthiscomingfrom?Wewerejustkissingamoment
ago.What’sgoingonwithyou?”
Heloweredhisheadforamomentbeforehelookedatme.
“WhileyouwereonthephonewithHarper,tellingherwhathappenedtoyouthis
afternoon,Irealizedthatmyfeelingsforyouaregettinginthewayofprotectingyou.And
that’ssomethingIcan’tallowtohappen.Ineedtochilloutandgetmyheadonstraight.I
needtakeabigfuckingstepback.”
“Fromme?”
“Emotionally,yes.”
“Andyoudecidedthatoveraten-minutephonecallwithmyagent?”
“I ’m notdoingmyjob! ” hesaidinfrustration.“Myjobisn’ttofallinlovewithyou
—eventhoughIam,Sienna,sothere’sthat.Instead,myjobtotakecareofyou.I’llbe
doingthatgoingforward.”
He ’s fallinginlovewithme?Ithoughtinbewilderment.Yes,wehaveaconnection,
butit’ssonew,neveroncedidIbelieveitwasanythingmorethanthat.HowcouldIhave
missedthesigns?Whyhadn ’t Itakenthismoreseriously?WasIsoblindtoloveafter
whatErichaddonetomethatIcouldn ’t seeitwhenitwasunfoldingrightinfrontof
me?
IfeltachillovercomemeastheramificationsofwhatAustinwassayinghit—andhit
hard.
AmIabouttoloseyou?Ithought.Ican ’t loseyou.I ’m developingfeelingsforyou.
Youcouldbetheone,forGod ’s sake!
Ineededtofacethisheadon.
“Austin,youhavebeentakingcareofme,”Isaid.“Youcan’tfeelresponsiblefortoday.
Noonecouldhavepredictedwhattookplace.”
“Youdid.”
Christ!
“MaybeIdid,butIalsosaidIdidn’tthinkitwouldhappensosoon.”Icockedmyhead
athim.“Whatareyoudoingrightnow?”
“Therightthing.”
“Forwhom?”
“Foryou.Ican’thelphowIfeelaboutyou,butIsureashellcanmanupandputthose
feelingsasidesoIcanproperlyprotectyou.That’sallthisisabout.ThewayI’vebehaved
hasdistractedbothofus,whichIcan’tallow.BecauseifIkeepgettinginyourhead,ifI
keepsendingyouflowers,food,andplayingmusicforyou…ifIkeepdistractingyou,then
I’llhavefailedyou,andthat’ssomethingIcouldneverbear.”
Hewalkedovertomeandtookmyfaceinhishands.Hiseyessearchedmine,andin
them,Icouldseehisanguishasmyheartstartedtoquickenandmybodybeganto
tremble.I’daskedforthismoment—I ’d fuckingaskedforitsothatIcouldhonormy
contractwithJacksonandsecuremyfuture—andyetnowitwastheverylastthingI
wanted.IfAustinwithdrewhimselfemotionallyfromme,wouldheeverfindhisway
back?Wasthisitforus?
Ididn’tknow.Icouldn’tbesure,andbecauseIcouldn’t,myeyeswelledwithtears.
“Don’tdothis,”Isaid.
“Listentome,”hesaidquietly.“WhatIhavetoacceptisthattherearetwooutcomes
here.Eitheryouwillbethereintheendforme,oryouwon’t.Ifyouare,I’llbethe
happiestmanintheworld.Ifnot,atleastI’llknowinmyheartthatIdidmyjobby
protectingyouduringoneofthemostvulnerablemomentsofyourlife.I’llalsodoso
knowingthatyou’vesecuredyourfuture,whichIagreeisimportant.I’llstillbewaiting
foryou,Sienna.Noneofthathaschanged.ButthisbackandforthI’veengagedyouin,
thisdistractionI’vecreated—thatendsnow.”
“I’llwaitforyou,”Isaid.“Iwill.”
HekissedmewhenIsaidthat,andhedidsowithsuchmeaningthatitfeltlikeafinal
kiss—akissfilledwithribbonsoflongingandthepossibilitiesofgoodbye.Akisshe
wantedtorememberfortherestofhislife.Akisshemighttellhissonaboutoneday
whenhelookedbackonhislifeandreminiscedabouttheonewhogotaway.Withwaves
ofregretwashingoverme,Itookhisfaceinmyownhandsandkissedhimbackwith
everythingIhadwithinme,thestingofthismomentlancingthroughme.Ihadtoturnthis
around.Ihadto.Buthow?
“Imeanit,”Isaidwhenourlipspartedandwelookedintooneanother’seyes.“Iwill
waitforyou,Austin.I’lldoit.Ijustgotscared.Ididn’trealizehowdeeplyyoufelt.I’ve
gottenthisallwrong.”
“Sienna,you’reatthepointinyourlifewhereyoucan’tpredictthefuture,becauseyou
don’tknowwhatthefutureisgoingtobringtoyourdoor.Youhaveanincrediblyexciting
lifeaheadofyou.Icanseeit.Infact,I’vefeltthefirstmomentsofit,andthey’vebeena
whirlwind.Whenyourcontractisup,you’resettofilmthreemoviesinarow.You’llbe
busierthanyou’deverimagined.So,pleasedon’tmakepromisesyoumightnotbeableto
keep,becauseIalsohaveaheart.Iknowtherisksofwaiting—Iunderstandthem,andI
acceptthem.Iwillwaitforyou.Butonmyownterms—andwithfullknowledgethatyou
mightnotbethereformeintheend.”
Imovedtospeak,buthestoppedme.
“Getsomerest,”hesaid.“I’vesaidenough.I’llseemywayout,andthenI’llbebackat
seventhirtytopickyouup.”
Andthen,justlikethat,Austingavemeachastekissonthecheek.Helefttheliving
room,andthenIheardthedoorclickshutbehindhimasheleftmyapartment.
Hewasgone.Isatdownonmysofa,gutted.Astheairconditionerrattledandhummed,
Ifeltthatapartofmehadjustbeenrippedaway.I’dbeensofocusedonJackson,my
future,andjustgettingthrougheachinsanenewdaythatIhadn’tonceconsideredthat
Austin’sfeelingsmightbeasseriousastheywere.Neveroncehaditevenoccurredtome
thathewasfallinginlovewithme.
Buthewas.
Whathadfeltlikeadancetomehadbeenapursuitforhim.Andnow,atthevery
momenthefeltIneededtobeabsolutelyfocused,hewassteppingbacksohewouldn’tbe
adistraction.
Wouldhereallywaitforme?Ifeltinmyheartthathewould.Butwhataboutme?He
wasrightwhenhe’dsaidthatmylifewasblowingup.Witheachpassingday,itonly
seemedtobegettingbiggerandbigger.Whenmycontractwasup,Iwasinfactscheduled
toshootthreemoviesbacktoback,whichAustinhimselfhadpointedouttome.By
mentioningit,hadhequietlybeentellingmethatIwasabouttobecometoobusyfor
anythingotherthanmycareer?ThatapartofhimfeltI’dneverhavetimeforhim?
Overcomewithgrief,IsankbackagainstmysofaandcriedasIhadn’tinyears.They
weregreat,heavingsobs.Andeventually,astimetickedby,theyturnedintocriesof
resolve.
Potentiallythebestthingthathadeverhappenedtomehadjustleftmyapartment.I
couldeitherletthisgonowandpretendnoneofithadeverhappened,orIcouldfightfor
us.
Whatdoyouwant?
NowthatIknowthisisreal —that he ’s trulyfallinginlovewithme —I wanttobe
withhim.
Then,you ’re goingtohavetoreachhim.You ’re goingtohavetoconvincehimthat
you ’ll bethereforhimintheend.Whenhepicksyouuptonight,youneedtobearmed
andreadytomakethathappen.Austinmightberightthatyou ’re unabletopredictthe
future,Sienna,butyousureashellcanchoosewhowillbeapartofyourfuture.That ’s
theanglehe ’s missing.Andthat ’s theangleyoumustmakehimsee.
CHAPTERTWENTY
Byseventhatevening,Iwasshowered,myhairwasblownoutinthickbrownwavesthat
felldownmyback,andmyfacewason.Ilookedatmyselfinthebathroommirrorfora
moment,notingthesteelydeterminationinmyeyes,andthenleftformybedroom.There,
IwenttomywardrobeandremovedthedressMimihadsentoverformetoweartonight.
Jacksonhadpaidforit.
ItwasasleevelessAlexanderMcQueendraped-shouldergowninredcrepewitha
jewelednecklineandacolumnsilhouette—astatementgownthatMimihadsaidwas
perfectforeditorial,whichessentiallymeantthatwhenJacksonandIwerephotographed
bythepaparazzitonightbeforeweboardedtheyacht,thisdresswouldphotograph
beautifully.
BeforeIputiton,Iadmiredit.Thehemfellstraighttothefloor.Theredwassored
thatthecolorliterallypopped.Andperhapsmostdramaticofall,atraininthebackwould
fallovermyshouldersandstopatmyknees.
ThegownhadsetJacksonbackacooltwelvegrand.AsfortheshoesI’dweartonight,
theJimmyChooglitteryplatformslingbacksandalsthatweretodieforinred—theyhad
costhimanothergrand.
Sincetonight’sillusionwasallaboutlookingglamorousaswewentonourromantic
dinnercruiseontheHudson,Jacksonhadsaidthathewantedtopayforeverything.And
likethegentlemanhe’dbecomesinceourdisastrouseveningatPerSeseveralweeksago,
he’ddonejustthat.
WhenIwasdressed,Istoodbeforemywardrobe’sfull-lengthmirrorandstudied
myself.Yearsofmodelinghaddonemeproud—theicepacksI’dappliedtomyeyes
earlierhaddonethetrick.AftermycryingjagoverthepotentiallossofAustin,the
swellingandtherednesswerenowgone.InsteadoflookinglikethetrainwreckI’dbeen
formostoftheafternoon,IlookedbetterthanIhadanyreasontolook.Becausedespite
howglamorousIappearedrightnow,mygutwasneverthelessinknots.
Soon,Austinwouldarrivetopickmeup.Andbeforeweleftmyapartment,Ihadafew
thingstosaytohim.IhadtomakehimunderstandthatIneverwouldhavebehavedasI
hadifI’dforonemomentknownhistruefeelingsforme.
BecauseIhadn’tknown.
I’dthoughtaboutitallday,andtheconclusionI’dcometotimeandagainwasthe
same.NotforoneinstanthadIbelievedhewasfallinginlovewithme,becauseifIhad,
thatwouldhavebeenagamechanger.Itwouldhavecausedmetopause.Itwouldhave
allowedmetoreflect.Andtobelievethathe’dmeantitwhenhe’dsaidthathewouldwait
forme.
EversinceAustinhadleftmethisafternoon,I’dsearchedmyheartaboutwhetherIwas
inlovewithhim.Intheend,I’ddecidedthatwhileIcertainlyfeltstronglyabouthim,I
wasn’tsureifthatfeelingwasloveorlust—butthatdidn’tmatter.Whatmatteredwasnot
allowingthepotentialforlovetoslipawayfromme.Fromus.NowthatIknewhowhe
feltaboutme,Ineededtoopenmyhearttothepossibilitiesoflove.
Andthatwashugeforme.
EversinceErichadcheatedonme,I’drefusedtoentertainanykindofromantic
advances.Overtheyears,suitorshadcomeandgone,butAustin…Austinwasdifferent
fromtheothers.
WhenI’dfirstmethim,yes,I’dbeenattractedtohisdevastatinggoodlooks.But
becauseofthewallsI’dbuiltaroundmyselfsinceEric,Iknewtherehadtobesomething
moretoAustin,becausehe’dputmajorcracksinthosewalls—andIcouldn’tignoreit.It
wastimeformetogetovermypastandgivemyselfpermissiontotrustinsomeoneelse
again.IneededtotalkwithAustinaboutthatwhenhearrived—evenifitwasonlyfora
fewminutes,sinceJacksonwouldbewaitinginthecarformewithDavid.
IfAustinisevenopentotalking…
Evenifhedidn’tsayaword,Iplannedonsayingplentytohim.Iespeciallyneededto
correcthimwhenitcametomyfuture.HewasrighttosaythatIcouldn’tpredictit,buthe
wasoverlookingthatIhadeveryrighttochoosewhowouldbepartofmylifeinthe
future,despitewhatitheldforme.Ihadcompletecontroloverthat,andheneededtohear
itfromme.
Atseven-thirtyonthedot,mybuzzerrang,andIfeltajoltofnervesshootthroughme
asIbuzzedAustinthrough.Icrackedthedooropenforhim,hurriedintomybathroomso
Icouldgivemyselfafinalswipeoftheboldredlipstickthatmatchedmydressandshoes,
anddroppedthetubeintomyclutchasIheardAustinentermyapartmentandshutthe
doorbehindhim.
“Coming!”Icalled.AsIturnedoffthebathroomlights,Ifeltbutterfliesswirlinmy
stomach.Imovedtowardthelivingroom.“Austin,beforewego,there’ssomethingIneed
tosaytoyou.”
ButwhenIenteredthelivingarea,itwasn’tAustinwhostoodwaitingforme—itwas
David.Tall,blond,stoicDavid.AndnotAustin,whichrattledme,becauseIknewatonce
thatbysendingDavidtogetme,Austinalreadywasputtingdistancebetweenus.
Obviouslyhe’dhadtimetodosomethinkingonhisown,becauseearlierhe’dsaidthathe
wouldbetheonetoretrieveme.AndthenIwondered.WasAustinevenheretonight?Or
hadheremovedhimselfcompletelyfromtheequation?WasInowtobeprotectedby
othermen?
“I’msorry,David,”Isaid,walkingtowardhim.Hewasahandsomemaninhis
midthirtieswithastrongnose,solidjaw,andeyesthatwerepreternaturallygreen.Hewas
wearingafittedblacksuitthatcomplimentedhismuscularphysique.“Austinsaidhe’d
pickmeuptonight.Ithoughtyouwerehim.”
“Austin’sinthecarwithJackson,MissJones.Hesentmeup.”
So,heishere.Hejustdidn ’t wanttobealonewithme.
“It’sSienna,”Isaid,tryingnottoletmydisappointmentshow.
“Siennaitis.Look,beforeweleave,IwantedtotellyouhowsorryIamaboutwhat
happenedtoyoutoday.”
“Iappreciatethat,”Isaidtohim.
“IalsowantyoutoknowthatI’mnowofficiallypartofyoursecuritydetail,sowe’ll
getyouthroughthesenextseveralmonths.We’lldoourbesttoprotectyou.Ifwefeelthat
twomenaren’tenough,thenwe’llbringinanotherman.Andsoforth.We’llhaveyour
back.”
Whyisn ’t hesayingAustin ’s name?Whyisn ’t it“ AustinandIwillprotectyou ” ?
What ’s goingonhere?
“David,doesthat‘we’includeAustin?”
“I’mnotsure,”hesaid.“He’ssortingthatoutnow,becauseJacksonalsoneeds
protection.Hesaidthathe’lldecideinthemorningwhetherhe’llbeleadingJackson’s
teamoryours.”
Icouldn’tbelieveit.DidAustinreallybelievehecouldn’tdohisbesttoprotectmeif
hefeltthathewasdistractingme?Clearlyhedid—andthatfrustratedthehelloutofme.
“Weshouldgo,”Isaid.“Jacksonhateswaitingforme.Isanyonelurkingoutsidemy
building?”
“We’reclear,”hesaid.“ThepaparazziwillbewaitingforyouandJacksonatthe
marina,asexpected.”
“Can’twaitforthat,”Isaidsarcastically.
“I’veseenyouinaction,Sienna.You’llbefine.”
“I’mnotsosureaboutthat,”Isaid.“Especiallygiventhequestionsthey’reaboutto
hurlmyway,David.Today,Iwasgropedinpublicattheverymomentthenationis
discussingsexualassault.Andthosepeople?They’regoingtobealloverthat.”
***
Whenweleftmyapartment,thesunhadalreadydippedbelowtheskyline,butitwasstill
lightoutside.GiventhedramaticwayIwasdressed,severalpeopleonthesidewalk
recognizedmebeforeDavidhastilyopenedthelimousine’sbackdoorsoIcouldstep
inside.AsIdidso,IheardafewpeoplecalloutmynameasIsatnextJackson,who
lookedatmeinconcernasDavidshutmydoorandgotintothefrontseatnexttoAustin,
whowasdriving.Ilookedathimintherearviewmirror,hopingtocatchhisgaze,buthe
waswearingsunglasses,soIcouldn’ttellwherehewaslooking.
Jacksontookmyhandandsqueezedit.“AreyouOK?”heasked.
“I’mgood,”Isaid.
“Define‘good’forme.”
“Look,todaywasrough,butAustingotmethroughit.That’swhatmatters.”
“Youweregropedbyastranger,Sienna,”Austinsaid.“Wedidourbest,buttobe
honest,todaydidn’tgowellatall.”
“I’maliveandbreathing,aren’tI?”Isnappedathim.
“Whoa…”Jacksonsaid.
Sienna,youcan ’t letyourfrustrationshow.Getittogether.
“I’msorry,”Isaid.“Everyone,pleasemeetEvilSienna.She’llgoawayafteramoment
ortwo—Ipromise.”
“Youhaveeveryreasontobeupset,”Jacksonsaid.
Ido,Jackson.AndforawholeshitloadofreasonsIcan ’t eventellyou.
“Isawthephotosofwhatthatmandidtoyou,”hesaid.“I’msorryforallofit.You
deservebetterthanthat.”
“Let’snottalkaboutit,”IsaidasAustineasedintotraffic.“Becauseifwedo,we’ll
havetostopatabarsoIcangetadrink.”
“I’dbuyyouone,”Jacksonsaid.
Ismiledathimwhenhesaidthat,becauseIknewhewould.“Iappreciatethat,Jackson,
especiallysinceIknowyouaren’tjoking.”Ilookedforward.“IguesstheonethingI
wouldliketoknowiswhetherthatsonofabitchhasbeenarrested.Becausenobody’stold
meifthat’sthecase.Austin,doyouknowifhewas?Andifyoudoknow,thenwhydon’t
Iknow?”
ApparentlyIcouldn’thelpmyself.Iwassoangrywithhimfornotcominguptomy
apartmenttogetme—thusblowinganychanceImighthavehadtotalkwithhimalone—I
couldn’tkeeptheangerIfeltoutofmyvoice.Heheardit,andheliftedhisfacetothe
rearview.
“Harperdidn’tcallyou?”
“Shecalledmeoncetoday,whenyouweretalkingmedowninmyapartment.ShouldI
haveheardfromheragain?”
“Yes,”hesaid.“Youshouldhaveheardfromher.Shetoldmethatshewasgoingtocall
you.Thecrowdcamethroughforyou.Theydetainedhim.Thepolicenowhavehim
underarrest.”
“Goodtoknow,”Isaid.
“Ithoughtyoudidknow,”hesaid.
“Ididn’t.But…whatever.What’sgoingtohappentohim?”
“That’llbeuptoajudge,buthe’llpay.We’llmakesureofit.Everythingwascaughton
video.”
“I’msurprisedHarperdidn’tcallyou,”Jacksonremarked.
Iremovedmycellfrommyclutchandswitchediton.“Maybeshedid,”Isaid.“When
Austinleft,IwassoundonebyeverythingthathappenedtodaythatIcrashedonthesofa
foracoupleofhours.Imighthavemissedhercall.”Icheckedmymessages,andsure
enough,therewasonefromHarper.“Shecalled,”IsaidasIlistenedtohermessage.“And
itwasabouthim.Sorry,Ididn’tthinktocheckitearlier.That’sonme,everyone.”
“Sienna,areyousureyouwanttogothroughwithtonight?Wedon’thaveto,”Jackson
said.
Iwasbeingunprofessional.Ineededtogetmyselfinline—andfast.Itookabreath,
settleddown,andpattedJackson’sknee.
“I’vegottogo,”Isaid.“IfIdon’t,thatwillsendaclearmessagetotheworldthatI’ve
allowedthatmantobeatmedown,whichissomethingIwon’thave—andnotjustforme.
IneedtostandupandbestrongsoIcansendoutaclearmessagetoeverywomanout
therethatallofusareunited,andthatallofusrefusetoletmenlikehimcontinuetoget
awaywithsexualassault.Ican’tlethimwin,Jackson.”
“Hewon’twin,”Jacksonsaid.“We’llseetoit.Andwhenyoutakehimtocourt,I ’ll
throwmoneyatthebestattorneywecanfind.”
“You’rethebest,”Isaid.
“Changeofsubject?”heproposed.
IcouldtellbythelighttoneofhisvoicethathesensedIdidn’twanttotalkaboutany
ofthis,soIgavehimanaffectionatesmile.
“DidImentionthatyou’rethebest?”Iasked.
“Youmighthave…”
“I’dloveachangeofsubject,”IsaidasItookhishandinmine.
“Icandothat.Now,look,ifthismeansanythingtoyou,I’veneverseenyoulooking
quiteasbeautifulasyoudotonight.Thedressyou’rewearingisseriouslyoffthecharts.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Andbytheway,thanksforpayingforit.”
“Mypleasure.”
“Myshoesareprettykiller,”IsaidasIshowedthemtohim.
“Nottomentionyourlegs.”
“Youlikemylegs?”
“You’vegotsomeseriouslegsonyou,Jones.”
“Howdotheboobslook?”
Headmiredthemforamoment.
“Let’sjustsaythatifIwerestraight,I’dtotallydoyou.”
“Bestnewsoftheday.”
Whenasilencepassedbetweenus,Irestedmyheadonhisshoulder,gladthatwehad
becomefriends.
“Thanksforsayingalltherightthings,Jackson,”Isaidafteramoment.
“Imeaneverything,Sienna.”
“Iknowyoudo—that’swhyit’ssoeasytobefakeinlovewithyou.”
“Now,there’sacompliment,”hesaid.
“Youdeserveit.”
“Feelingbetter?”heasked.
“Much.”Iliftedmyheadoffhisshoulderandturnedtohim.“Butenoughaboutme,
becauselookatyouinyourblacksuit!You’reevenwearingatiethatmatchesthecolorof
mydress.Youlookprettyhottonight,Mr.Cruise,ifIdosaysomyself.”
“I’maT-shirt-and-jeanskindofguy,”hesaid.“Trustme,Ihadsomehelp.”
“Mimi?”
WhenIsaidthat,hisfaceflushed.
“No,notMimi,”hesaid.“Somebodyelse.”
Wasitthepilothe’dbeencaughtkissing?ThemanwhosenameIdidn’tknowbutwho
Jacksonsaidhemightbeinlovewith?Orwasitsomeotherman?Bynotgivingmea
name,Iknewithadtobeoneortheother.
Iwouldn’tpresshimaboutthatnow.ButIwouldontheyacht.
“Whateverthecase,”Isaidtohim.“Youlooklikethemoviestaryouare.Luckyme
thatIgettohaveyouatmysidetonight.”
“You’reagoodfriend,Sienna.”
“I’mabouttobecomeanevenbetterone.”
Hefurrowedhisbrowatme.“Whatdoesthatmean?”heasked.
Igavehimaquickpeckonthecheek.
“You’llsee…”
***
Manhattan’sNorthCoveMarinawaslocatedalongtheHudsonat250VeseyStreet,notfar
fromOneWorldTradeCenter,whichsoaredtallintheskybehindit.Withthefierysetting
sunglintingoffitscountlesswindows,atthatmomentthebuildinglookedespeciallyalive
tome,asifitwerefiercelymakingitspresenceknownforalltheworldtosee.
Afterthehorrorof9/11,ithadbecomethiscity’sexclamationpoint.
WhenAustindroppedthecarattheBrookfieldCurbsideValetonLibertyStreet,the
restofusputonoursunglassesandgotoutofthecar.Onthepavement,Iliftedmyhairup
andovermyshouldersandthenIadjustedmygownasIwaitedforAustintoturntocatch
aglimpseofme—toseewhyJacksonhadcomplimentedmeinthecar—buthedidn’t.
OratleastIthoughthedidn’t.
Giventhedarkaviatorsunglassescoveringhiseyes,ifhehadsizedmeup,he’dsureas
hellbeensubtleindoingso,whichdisappointedthehelloutofme.BecauseIhadn’t
dressedjustforJacksontonight—I’dalsodressedforAustin,whowasbehavingasifI
barelyexisted.
Iwillgetthroughtoyou,Ithought.Wewilltalk,Austin,despitewhateverguard
you ’re throwinguptomakesurethatwon ’t happen.
Together,thefourofuswalkedtheshortdistancetothemarina,wherethepapswould
bewaitingforus.Butbeforethathappened,inourbriefmomentofanonymity,Itookin
thesightswhileIcould.
Themarinawaslovely,filledwithmanypublicspacestositandrelax,aboardwalkon
whichtostroll,restaurantsinwhichtodine,andamixofboatsbobbingattheirdocks
amidthesaltysmellsoftheHudson’smuddywaters.
Someofthecraftsweresmall,butoverwhelmingly,theotherswerehugeand
impressive,ablatantshowofluxury,money,andpowerbypeoplewholivedlivesI’d
neverlived.EverythingI’dexperiencedsinceI’dbeenwithJacksonhadbeensoforeignto
methatIstillmarveledathowridiculouslyoverthetopthesuperrichlived.Asclosetoit
asIwasbecauseofJackson’shigh-flyinglifestyle,IstillfeltlikethegirlfromDubuque,
Iowa.Iwasanoutsiderwho’dbeengiventheprivilegeoflookinginbeforeI’deventually
becastout.
AndsoIhadtowonder—whatwouldmylifebelikewhenthecontractendedand
Jacksonwasnolongerpartofmylife,atleastinafakeromancekindofway?Iwasn’t
sure,becauseAustinhadbeenpartlyright:whenitcametopredictingmyfuture,Ididn’t
knowifIwouldhaveasuccessfulcareer.Ididn’tknowhowbigorsmallitwouldbecome.
Harperhadsetmeupforsuccessbynailingdownthosemoviesforme,butwhatifthey
weren’tsuccessful?Orwhatiftheywerehugesuccesses?ThatwastheunknownIfaced
goingforward—andithadnothingtodowithchoosingwhomIwantedinmylife.
Andthat ’s whatAustinneedstounderstand.
“Pennyforyourthoughts,”Jacksonsaidashereachedformyhand.
Justapenny?Ithought.ConsideringtheshitI ’m goingthroughwithAustin,today ’s
rateismorelikeamillion,Jackson …
AustinwaswalkinginfrontofuswhileDavidhadtherear.Aswepasseddozensof
peopleontheboardwalk,severalglancedourway—likelybecauseofthewaywewere
dressed—butsofar,peoplewereeitherbeingrespectful,orsomehowwewereflying
undertheradar.Iknewthatwouldn’tlastforlong,soIenjoyeditwhileIcould.
Ididn’twanttotellJacksonthatI’dbeenthinkingwhatmylifelookedlikewithouthim
init,soIdeflected.
“Iwasactuallywonderingwhichoneofthosebeastlyyachtsisours.”
“I’mnotsure,”hesaid.“Austin,doyouknow?”
“It’sthatoneoverthere,”hesaid,pointingaheadofus.“Seethepapsstandingnearit?
Theymightaswellbeourcompass.”
“Iseethem,”Isaid.“Butitappearstheyhaven’tseenusyet.Shouldn’tsomeonebe
heretogreetus?”
“Amaniscomingourwaynow,”Austinsaid.“Doyouseehim?Theoldergentleman
inthewhitecaptain’ssuit?Hejustspottedus.WhatIneedyoutwotodoformenowis
getreadyforthependingonslaught.”
“Sienna,beforethathappens,takeamomentandlookattheyachtbeforeweboardit,”
Jacksonsaid.“Becausethatmotherfuckerisinsane.”
Itwas.
“It’shuge,”hesaid.
“It’sagoddamnedmountain,”Iagreed.“Butlookhowprettyitis.”
“Forgethowprettyitis,”hesaid.“WhenyouandIarephotographedinfrontofit,
peoplearegoingtothinkI’movercompensatingforsomething.”
Ilaughedwhenhesaidthatandribbedhim.“Oh,theywillnot.They’vebeenlusting
afterthatinfamouspackageofyoursforyears,andyouknowit.Imean,onanIMAX
screenalone,yourpackageis,like…what?Fiftybyseventyfeetorsomething?Imagine
themoistpantiesandthehostoferectionsyou’veleftinyourwakeovertheyears.Don’t
giveitanotherthought.”
“Fiftybyseventyfeet,”hesaid.“WhydoIfeelweirdlyarousedrightnow?”
“AndwhydoIfeelweirdlyaroused?”Iadmitted.“Whatarewe?Acoupleofsize
queens?”
“We’renothingofthesort,”Jacksonsaidquickly.Maybealittletooquickly.
IgiggledandsqueezedhishandasIadmiredtheyachtMimihadsecuredforus.From
whatHarperhadtoldme,itwas120feetlong,itwascalledtheNameless,andwhileits
underbellywasblack,thetopofitwasbrightwhiteandglowedinthewavesofswirling
lightsthatshoneuponit.Thereappearedtobefourmaindecks,andonthetoponesata
shinyblackhelicopter.
Whoevenownssomethinglikethis?Iwondered.
Aswenearedtheboat,Iheardonewomanwepassedsaytoherfriend,“Holymother
ofGod—that’sJacksonCruise!”
“Holdmyhandtightly,”Jacksonsaidtome.“Don’tletgoofit.Tonightisn’tgoingto
bewhatyouexperiencedearliertoday.Ipromiseyouthat,Sienna.I’vegotyou,andsodo
AustinandDavid.”
“Itishim!”Iheardthewomansayaswemovedpasther.“Andthat’sSiennaJones!”
Whenourcoverwasblown,peopleontheboardwalkstartedtopullouttheircell
phonesandpointthematusasrecognitionstruck.Ifeltachillrushthroughme,thesting
ofwhathadhappenedtomeonlyhoursago,andIcouldn’thelpbutwonderifsomething
justasawfulwouldhappentomeagain.WithAustin,David,andJacksonsurroundingme,
Ithoughtitwasunlikely.ButIworried.Whathadhappenedearlierwasstilltoofresh.I
couldstillfeelthatman’shandsonmybreastsevennowaswewalkedtowardtheyacht.
Whathe’ddonetomewassomethingthatwouldn’tbeleavingmesimplyandeasily.The
manhadassaultedme,andbydoingso,Iknewthathehadn’tjustbecomeanunwanted
partofmylife,butbydoingwhathe’ddonetome,thathe’dalsogivenmeavoicethatI
mustpubliclyuseagainsthimandpeoplelikehim.
Pleasegetmethroughthis,Ithought.
“Wemoveforward,”Austinsaid.“Ourendgameisthepaps.You’llgivethemone
minutetophotographyou,andwhenIthinkit’senough,we’llgetbothofyousafelyonto
theyacht.”
“Agreed,”Jacksonsaid.
Buttheswarmsofpeoplesurroundingusdidn’tgiveadamnwhatAustinhadinmind.
Theyswoopedin,gotinfrontofus,andstartedtoeithertakephotosofusorfilmusaswe
cameupontheyacht’scaptain.Hewasagroomed,sharp-lookingmaninhismidsixties
withwhitehairandawhite,closelycroppedbeard.AsheshookhandswithAustin,he
remindedmeofCNN’sWolfBlitzer.
“CaptainWard?”Austinasked.
“Yes,that’sme.”
“AustinBlack.”
“Goodtomeetyou,Austin,”thecaptainsaidaspeoplecontinuedtopresscloserto
Jacksonandme.
Riddledwithanxiety,Ididmybesttofakemyfeelings.IworeafacethatsaidIwas
happy,inlove,andeagerformydinnerdatewithJackson,knowingfullwellthatthe
majorityofthephotosbeingtakenofusnowwouldsoonbesharedonsocialmedia.
Powerthroughthis,Ithought.Don ’t youdareletthemseeforamomenthowyou
reallyfeel …
“Whatdoyouneedfrommerightnow?”thecaptainaskedAustin.
“Ifyou’dleadustothepaparazzi,JacksonandSiennawillpauseforphotographs.We
willgivethemonlyamoment,becausewearen’tgoingtoallowthemtopressSienna
aboutwhathappenedtohertoday.ShewillsmileatJackson’sside,butshewillnot
answerthem.WhenInodatyou,Ineedyoutogetusontothatyacht.”
Who’stosayIwon’tanswerthem,Austin?Iwondered.
“Done,”themansaid.“Followmebeforethisturnsintosomethingnoneofuswant.
We’renotfarfromtheyacht.”
“Weneedtomakethisquickanddirty,”Austinsaid.
“I’llmakethathappen,”thecaptainsaid.
Whenwecameuponthepaps,JacksonandIwereovercomebyflashinglights.
Smiling,westoodasonebeforethequestionsbeganinearnest,allofwhichwerefocused
onme.
“Sienna,whatisyourresponsetowhathappenedtoyoutoday?”
“Sienna,themanwhoaccostedyouhasbeenarrested.Whatdoyouhavetosayto
him?”
“Sienna,youweresexuallyassaultedtoday.Wouldyoupleasesharewiththeworld
howyou’refeelingnow?”
ThatwasexactlythekindofquestionI’dbeenseeking,soIchosetoaddressthe
reporter.Iturnedtoher.
“Asanyonewhohasbeensexuallyassaulted,todayhasbeendifficult.Togetthroughit,
Idrewonthestrengthofallofthebravewomenandmenwhohaverecentlycomeoutto
sharewiththeworldtheirownexperiences.DidIeverthinkthiswouldhappentome?
Never.Didanyofthosewhocamebeforemethinkitwouldeverhappentothem?Not
once.Butitdid,andIstandunitedwiththeminloveandinsolidarity.Whathappenedto
metodaywillnotdefineme,butitwillinformme,andIpromiseyouthatitwill
strengthenme.IthankGodforthewomenandmenwhohavecomeforwardwiththeir
storiesofsexualassault.Theyhaveselfishlyputtheirreputationsonthelineinaneffortto
shedlightonanuglytruththatmustbetold.Iwanttogivemyprofoundthankstothem
forgettingmethroughtoday,becausetheydid.Mypromisetothemandtoyouisthis—
myvoicejoinstheirs.Andtogether?Asmorevoicesriseuptobeheard?Wewillcreate
change.”
WhenIsaidthat,thecamerasflashedrapidlyasJacksongrippedmyhandinashowof
support.
“Sienna,please…turntotheleft.Lettheworldseehowbeautifulandstrongyouare
tonight.”
Iratherlikedthatquestion,soIdidturntomyleft.AndIdidsowithJacksonatmy
side.Witheveryturnwewereaskedtotake,ImadecertainthatJacksonturnedwithme
untilIsawAustincatchJackson’seye.
Andthatwasthat.
Jacksonheldupahand,wethankedeveryone,andwiththecaptainleadingtheway,we
boardedtheyachttogether—withAustinandDavidjoiningusfortheride.
CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE
Forthenexthour,JacksonandIexploredtheyachttogether,eventuallyfindingourselves
onthethirddeck,whichofferedthebestviewsofManhattan.
Itwastwilight.WithJacksonatmyside,Istoodattherailingandallowedthecool
breezetowashovermeastheyachttraveledupriver.Itwasawelcomereliefafterwhat
hadbeenasearingdayinthecity—inmorewaysthanone.Withmydressfluttering
aroundmeandmyhairliftingoffmyshoulders,forthefirsttimethatdayIfeltasenseof
calm.SeeingManhattanablazeinlightslikethiswasasheadyasitwasamazing.
“You’requiet,”Jacksonsaidtome.
“AmI?”Isaid.“I’msorry.I’mjustenjoyingtheshowrightnow.Lookathowbeautiful
thecityislikethis.Andthere’snonoise.Nophotographers.Nobodyshoutingquestionsat
us.Igettoenjoytonightandthisyachtwithmyfriend—whichisyou,Jackson.Together
wegettoadmireacityI’vecometolovefromaperspectiveI’veneverseenbefore.It’s
kindofperfect.”
“I’mgladyou’reenjoyingyourself,Sienna.Youdeserveitaftertoday.”
IlookedoverathimasIwrappedanarmaroundhiswaist.
“Howaboutyou?”Iasked.“Howareyouholdingup?”
“Me?”heaskedwithashrug.“I’mOK.”
“JustOK?”
“Yeah…Imean,theshootisgoingwell.You’vebeengreatthroughoutallofthis.And
thenoisesurroundingmysexualityseemstohaveended.Iguessthiswholefake-
relationshipthingworked.Goodforme.”
Whenhesaidthatlastpart,itsoundedalmostsarcastictome.
“Areyouhappyaboutthat?”Iasked.
Helookedoutatthewater.“InsomewaysIam.Inothers,I’mnot.”
“Jackson,ifyouneedsomeonetoconfidein,I’malwayshereforyou.AndI’dnever
betrayyou.”
“That’sthethingaboutyou,Sienna,”hesaidashelookedatme.“Iknowyou
wouldn’t.”
Itookholdofhisarmandsqueezedit.“Look,howaboutifwehaveamartinitogether
andchilloutinthosechairsbehindus.We’realonenow—it’sjustthetwoofus.Wecan
talkfreelyhere.Dinnerwillbedifferent.Therewillbewaitersaroundus.”
“Andlessprivacy?”
“Exactly,”Isaid.
“I’mdownforamartini,”hesaid.
“Good,becauseI’dlovetohaveone.”
“Letmeusethephonetoorderthem,”hesaidaswelefttherailandmovedtowardthe
twodeckchairsthathadbeensetoutforus.Betweenthemwasatable,onwhichwasthe
phonetocallthestaff.Hetookmyhandandhelpedmeintomyseatbeforehepickedup
thereceiverandorderedourdrinks.“Fiveminutes,”hesaidashehungupthephone.
“Let’senjoytheviewinthemeantime.”
***
Overthenexthour,JacksonandIsippedourmartinisandenjoyedeachother’scompany.
BeforeIwenttherewithhim,Iwantedhimtofeelrelaxedandsafewithme,sowejust
startedtotalkabouteverythingandanything.
HesharedmoreofhisHollywoodstorieswithme,whichrangedfromthedownright
racytotheoutrageouslyhilarious.Hewascuriousaboutwhatitwasliketobeamodel,so
Isharedafewpricelessstoriesofmyown,includingthetimeI’dbeenambushedwithan
unexpectedwaxingbeforeaVictoria’sSecretshow—andthatithadn’tbeenjustme.It
hadbeenallthemodels.Whenwe’darrivedbeforetheshow,we’dbeenaskedtodisrobe
andlieonyogamatsscatteredaroundalargeandotherwiseemptyroom.Andthen,before
Iknewit,womeninwhitesurgicaljacketsarrived,anditbecameawaxingfree-for-all.
“Imaginethescreams!”Isaidtohim.“IfeltlikeIwasinaFellinimovie.”
“Ican’tbelievetheysprangthatonallofyou,”hesaidwithalaugh.“Andwithzero
privacy.”
“Inthemodelingworld,yougetusedtotheno-privacything,”Isaid.“Nakedbodies
everywhere.Butthegroupwaxingthing?Thesuddenlyno-hair-down-therething?That
shitwasjustbizarre.Someofthegirlshaddonetheshowbefore,soitwasnothingnewto
them.Butsincethatwasmyfirstandlastshow,itsureashellwasnewtome.”
“Womengettherawendofthestick,”hesaidashefinishedhisdrink.“Imean,I’m
downwithkeepingeverythinggroomeddownthere,buttoripitoutwithhotwax?That
justsoundsliketorturetome.”
“Itistorture,”Isaid.“Andyou’rekindtoadmitthatmendohaveiteasier.Men,for
instance,don’thaveAuntFlowvisitingthemeverymonth.Theydon’thavetopushouta
child.Orfeedthatchildwhenit’shungry.Orgothroughmenopauselaterinlife.”I
finishedmyowndrink.“Thelistisendless.”
“Shallwesalutetothebraveryofyourkindwithanotherdrink?”
“Please,let’s.”
Myaimwasn’ttogetJacksondrunk—Ialreadyknewwhatthatlookedlike.Instead,
myaimwastogethimtoapointwherehe’dbewillingtoletdownhisformidableguard
andbeopenwithme.IfIcouldgethimthere,thenIcouldsetintomotionsomethingthat
mightofferJacksoneverythinghewasdenyinghimself.
Love.
Whenthewaiterleftuswithoursecondroundofmartinis,wetouchedglassesandtook
aquicksip.IwaiteduntilIwascertainwewerealonebeforeIspoke.
“So…whodressedyoutonight?”Iasked.“Youwouldn’tsayinthecar,butwhoeverit
wasnailedit.Youseriouslylookgood.”
“Youthink?”
“Iknow.”
“Andyoualsoknowitwasanotherman,don’tyou?”
“AmIthatobvious?”Iasked.
“Inthemostendearingofways,yes.Butit’sOK.Iwasweighingoutwhethertotalkto
youabouthimtonight,anyway.Tobehonest,I’vegotnoonetotalktowhenitcomesto
this.IfIsaidanythingtoMimi,she’djustwarnmeawayfromhimandtellmetothink
aboutmycareer.Austin’sinstinctwouldbetoprotectme—inwhateverformthatmight
take,whichisunpredictable.WhatIneedissomeonewho’sjustwillingtolistentome.”
“Ithinkyoufoundyourgirl,Jackson.”
“IknowIhave—andIappreciateitmorethanyouknow,Sienna.BecauseI’mreally
strugglingrightnow.”
“Youare?”Iaskedinsurprise.
“Yeah,”hesaid.“Iam.”
“Jackson,I’msosorry.Youshouldhavesometomesooner.Youshouldneverfeelthat
youareisolated.Who’stheguy?”Iasked.
“HisnameisAsh,”hesaid.
“Ishethemanyoukissedontheplane?”
“Yes.We’vebeenseeingeachotherontheslyforabouteightmonthsnow.Whenit
comestoAustin…Iknowyoudon’tknowthisabouthim,buthe’skindofbrilliantwhenit
comestodoingthingsundercover.”
“AsideofhimI’veneverseen,”Isaid.
“It’strue.HegotAshintomyapartmenttoday.Itwasthefirsttimewe’dseeneach
othersincethatkissofourswentpublic.Andguesswhat?”
“What?”
“SeeinghimagainconfirmedeverythingIwastryingnottofeelbeforewehadto
separatebecauseofmycareer.Butbeingwithhimtoday,justwhenIthoughtIwasabout
tolosehim?Fuckit.I’minlovewithhim,Sienna,andittookthepossibilityoflosinghim
formetoevenrealizethatIwas.Ineedsomeguidancehere.Haveyoueverbeenina
situationevenremotelylikethisbefore?”
Asrealizationstruck,itoccurredtomethatIwasinthatexactsituationrightnow.I
closedmyeyesasmyheartbeatquickened.
I ’ve beenindenial,Ithought.AfterwhatEricdidtome,Ineverwantedtoputmyself
inthepositionofbeinghurtagain.Andbecauseofthat,Ididn ’t wanttorecognizewhat
wasrightinfrontofme.Andthat ’s love.I ’ve triedmybesttocallitamillionother
things,butsomehowI ’ve falleninlovewithAustin.Icantrytoconvincemyselfthatit ’s
somethingelse,butthat ’s whatitis.That ’s whatI ’ve beenfeeling:love.
Inearnest,IturnedtoJackson.
“IfyouweretolookbackonyourrelationshipwithAsh,howlongwereyouseeinghim
beforeyouthinkyoufellinlovewithhim?”
“Idon’tbelieveinloveatfirstsight,”hesaid.“That’sforfuckingsure.Butwhenit
cametoAsh,Idon’tknowwhy,butitdidn’ttakemelongtofeeljustthat.Lookingback,I
thinkwehadbeenseeingoneanotherforonlyamonthorsowhenIfirststartedtohave
thosefeelingsforhim.”
“Onlyamonth?”
“Aboutthat,”hesaid.“Iknowitsoundsridiculoustofeelthatwayaftersuchabrief
periodoftime,butIfellinlovewithhimquickly.He’sthatgreat.He’sthatsmart,kind,
sexy,funny,loving—everything.Beingwithhimhasbeenpowerful.”
WhatthehellhaveIbeendoing?
“Look,Sienna—I’vebeenwithalotofmeninmylife,butthere’ssomethingaboutAsh
that’sspecial.Hegetsme.He’sexactlythekindofpersonIwanttospendtherestofmy
lifewith,butIcan’t.AndIhatethatIcan’t.I’vetriedmybesttofakeitthroughthis
‘relationship’ofours,butit’sgettingharderandhardertodo.Youwanttoknowwhy?”
Ialreadyknewwhy,butIwantedtohearhimsayithimself.“Why?”Iasked.
“It’sbecauseIfeellikeafuckingfraud,”hesaid,hiseyesbecomingbright.“Ashisit
forme—he’stheone—andyetbecauseofmyfameandmycareer,Ican’tallowhimfully
intomylife.I’mangryaboutthat.Andit’sbreakingmyheartthatIcan’t.”
Ireachedoutandheldhisfreehand.
“Haveyoutoldhimthat?”
“Idid.Wemadelovethisafternoon.Andwhenwedid,ItoldhimIwasinlovewith
him.That’swhenthingsgotemotionalbetweenus…butinagoodway.Weheldeach
other,justsoakedeachotherin.Butwhenhewantedtotalkaboutourfuture,that’swhere
Idisappointedhim.”
“How?”
“Ashhasbeenoutoftheclosetsincehewasnineteen.HeunderstandswhyhefeelsI
can’tcomeout,butintheend,healsosaidthatifIdon’t,what’sthepointofputting
ourselvesthroughthis?Washejustsomeonetobeputaway?Tobeseeninquietandon
theside?Itoldhimhewasn’t,sowhatnow?He’sgivenmeonemonthtogetmyshit
together.Hesaidthatforthesakeofhisownheart,he’dhavetowalkaway,becauseit
wouldbetherightthingtodoforbothofus.”
“Letmeaskyouaquestion,”Isaid.
“Please,askaway.IneedwhateverkindofinsightIcangetfromyou.”
“Whatdoesyourlifelooklikewithouthiminit?”Iasked.“Ifyoubrokeuprightnow,
whatdoesitfeellikewithouthiminit?”
“Fuckingbleak,”hesaid.“Whatifyouwereinmysituation,Sienna?Whatwouldyour
lifelooklikeifyouwereinmyshoes?”
“Thesame,”Isaid.
Becauseitalreadydoes.
“Right?”hesaid.
“Jackson,Ineedyoutolistentomenow.”
“Iknowwhatyou’regoingtosay.”
“Youprobablydo,butareyougoingtolistentomeornot?”
“I’lllisten.”
“Good,becauseeversinceIlearnedthatyou’regayandthattherewasthismystery
manontheside,I’vebeenthinkingaboutyoursituation.I’veturneditoverinmyhead
timeandagain,andIstillcomedowntoonething.”
“What’sthat?”heasked.
“Whatifyoudidcomeout?Whatifyouownedwhoyouare?Whatifyousetan
exampleforpeoplewhoarestrugglingwiththesameissuesyou’restrugglingwith?What
ifyouskeweredthestereotypesthatcontinuetoplaguegaymen?Everyoneviewsyouas
thisbutchalphamale,whichyouare.Thefactthatyou’regaychangesnoneofthat,
becausethatiswhoyouare.Imean,youstrapyourselftofuckingplanes,Jackson.Show
mehowmanystraightmenwouldgetoffonthatinwaysthatyou’vetoldmeyoudo!You
oncetoldmethatyoudidn’twanttocomeoutbecauseyoufeareditwouldharmyour
legacy.Buthere’swhatIthinkyou’vemissed—whatifyourlegacyisgreaterthanthe
moviesyou’vemade?Whatifit’salsoaboutbeingarolemodelandabadassgame
changer?”
Hedidn’tanswerme—andforthefirsttimesinceI’dbeentalkingtohimabouthis
sexuality,healsodidn’tshutmedown,whichwasagold-starwinforme.So,Ijustseized
themomentandchargedforward.
“Listentomenow.Whatifyourlegacyisn’twhatyouoriginallythoughtitwas?What
ifyouwereputonthisearthtobecomeacelebrityforareason?Whatifyourlifeistobe
rememberednotjustforthemoviesyou’vemadebutalsoforbecomingatrailblazer?
Someonepeoplelookupto?Someonewhohassavedotherpeople’slivesbecausethey
lookuptoyou?Haveyouconsideredanyofthat?”
Helookedshell-shockedwhenIsaidthat.
“No,”hesaid.“Notlikethat.”
“Fairenough,”Isaid.“BecauseIgetit—thisisoverwhelmingforyou.So,mybest
adviceisthatyourethinkthekindoflegacyyoucouldleavebehindasopposedtothe
false,unspokenlegacyyouwerethinkingofleavingbehindbeforeAshcameintoyour
life.Isthatwhatyouwant?Ishidingbehindacurtainhowyouwanttoleavethisearth?
Andthenthere’sAsh.Sinceyou’reinlovewithhim,youmustalsoconsiderthatyou
mightneverfindamanlikehimagain.Iheardtheloveandconvictioninyourvoicewhen
youtoldmeallthereasonswhyyoulovehim,Jackson.Ifeltallofittomycore.Whatwe
bothknowatthispointinourlivesisthatmenlikeAshdon’tcomearoundoften,dothey?
No,theydon’t.Menlikethemarefuckingrare.Andjustsoyouknow,here’ssome
breakingnewsI’veonlysharedwithJulia,whoismybestfriend—butsinceIcanseeyou
andIbecominggreat,lifelongfriends,I’llcomecleanwithyou.I’minthesamesituation
you’reinrightnow.”
WhenIrevealedthattohim,hiseyeswidened.
“Youare?Withwhom?”
“It’sstillfreshandpersonal,”Isaid.“Unlikeyou,hisnameisnotsomethingI’mready
tosharewithanyonejustyet.ButwhenIam,I’llshareitwithyoufirstinhonorofhow
open,honest,andtrustingyou’vebeenwithmetonight.I’vegotalotonmymindright
now,butourconversationtonightmadeonethingverycleartome.I’malsoinlovewith
someone…someoneI’vebeenpushingawayfrommebecauseI’mcontractuallyboundto
you.IfIcan,Iplantocorrectthat.So,please…wishmewellwiththat.”
“Sienna,Ihadnoidea.”
“Beforeourconversationtonight,neitherdidI,Jackson.Butafterlisteningtowhat
you’regoingthrough,Iknewthatinasimilarway,I’mgoingthroughthesamething.I’m
inlovewithsomeonewhoisactivelydistancinghimselffrommerightnowbecauseI
keepthrowingupwalls.Ineedtofixthat…althoughI’mnotsurehow.”
“Wecantalkaboutitifyouwant,”hesaid.
“Tonightisn’taboutme,”Isaid.“Tonightneedstobeaboutyou,becauseyou’rethe
onewho’sbeenhandedadeadline.Webothknowthatyouhavetwochoices:eitheryou
comeoutandallowAshtobepartofyourlife,oryoucontinuetofocusonyourcareer
andlosehimintheprocess.Youhaveworkedhardtogetwhereyouareatthispointin
yourlife.Iunderstandyourfear.ButIwillalwayschampionreallovefirst,whichI
believeiswhatyoufeelforhim.Isit?”
“Yes,”hesaid,“itis.”
“Andyou’recertainhefeelsthesameforyou?”
“Iknowhedoes.”
“Ifyouweretocomeout,wheredoyouseeeachothertenyearsfromnow?”
“That’seasy,”hesaid.“I’vealreadythoughtaboutit.Iseeusbuildingawonderful
hometogether,travelingtheworldtogether,havingchildrentogetherthroughasurrogate,
andenjoyingourliveswithoneanother.”
“Whereisyourcareerinthatanswer,Jackson?”
Thatstoppedhim.Whenhedidn’tanswerme—whenhelookedasifhewereataloss
forwords—Ihadtowonderifhe’dfinallyheardme.
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
Thenextmorning,afterafitfulsleepinwhichIobsessedoverhowIcouldgetAustin
alonesoIcouldtellhimhowIfeltabouthim,Davidpickedmeupatelevensharptodrive
metoCAA.There,IwastomeetwithHarper,Mimi,Jackson,andAustintodiscusswhat
plansAustinhadformegoingforwardwhenitcametomysecuritydetail.
Wouldhecompletelyremovehimselffrommylifesohewouldnolongerbea
“distraction”tome?Iwasbettingonit.
ButIwasn’tabouttogodownwithoutafight.
IwantedtolookmybestwhenIwalkedintoHarper’soffice,soI’dspentmymorning
goingallouttomakecertainthathappened.BeforeImadecoffee,Iwashedmyfaceinthe
bathroomsinkandappliedafacialmasquethatwouldshrinkmyporesandhydratemy
skin.
Whilethemasqueset,I’dmadecoffeeandwenttomycomputertoseehowthepress
hadcoveredmyeveningwithJackson.WhileafewstoriescoveredthestatementI’dmade
aboutbeingsexuallyassaulted,toomanyotherstoriessalaciouslyshowedphotoandphoto
ofmebeinggroped,withnomentionofthestatementI’dmadebeforewe’dboardedthe
yacht.Disgustedanddisappointed,Iturnedoffmycomputer,rinsedoffthemasque,and
selectedawholehostofpotentelixirstogetmyskinlookingasfreshandasradiantas
possible.
Theyworked.
Intheshower,I’dusedanexfoliatingscrubovermyentirebody.Formyhair,I’dgone
withAveda’sstrongestconditioner—theirDeepRemedyline.Theresult?Soft,incredibly
shinyhairthatIdecidedtoflatironandwearinahighponytail.
SinceIdidn’twanttolooklikeIwasn’ttryingtoohard,Ikeptmymakeupfreshand
natural,withtheexceptionofmyeyes.Sincesomethingneededtopop,Iappliedmink
eyelashestothem,whichwasjustenoughtocreateabitofdrama.Thewholepointofmy
lookwascitychic,soIchoseapairofPradacroppedshantungpantsinblack,awhite
jerseytopthatclungtomycurves,andaclassicpairofblackpatent-leatherpumps.
AtjustaboutthetimeDavidwouldarrivetopickmeup,Istoodbeforemywardrobe’s
mirrorandassessedmyself,turningthiswayandthat.Icheckedmyfaceandmyhair—
andthenmyassandmytits.I’dchosennottowearabra,andrightnow,withmynipples
onfullshow…
Ialsowasn’tregrettingit.
***
“Sienna,”JuliasaidingreetingwhenIapproachedherdesk.Shestoodtogivemeahug.
“Goodlord,youlookamazing.”
“There’sareasonwhy—andyouandIneedtotalksoonsoIcantellyouwhy.I’ve
beensobusythesepastseveraldaysthatIhaven’thadamomenttocallyou,andI
apologizeforthat.IwouldhavetoldyouwhatI’vebeenneedingtotellyousoonerifI
couldhave.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”sheasked.
“Toberevealed—soonerratherthanlater.You’renotgoingtobehappywithme,so
planonmyplyingyouwithenoughvodkatomakesureyouseethingsfrommypointof
view.”
“Whyareyoutalkingincode?”sheasked.Andthen,asithither,Iwatchedhereyes
widenindisbelief.“Thisisn’taboutwhatIthinkit’sabout,isit?”sheaskedunderher
breath.“Tellmethisisn’taboutAustin.Whathaveyoudone?”
“Idon’tknow.Imighthavefalleninlovewithhimorsomething.”
“Falleninlove?”
“Orsomething.”
“Haveyousleptwithhim?”
“Kindofdidthat,too.”
“Sienna,whatwereyouthinking?”sheaskedinahushedtone.“Wetalkedaboutthis.”
“Wedid,”Isaid,myownvoicelow.“Whatyoudon’tknowisthatheaggressively
cameafterme.Itriedmybesttoshuthimdown,andthen,whenhegotmealone,mylady
partsgotthebestofme.Andhere’stheirony:nowhe’sshuttingmedownbecausehe
doesn’twanttobeadistractionwhenitcomestokeepingmesafe.Mylifeisamessright
now,Julia—andthat’sjustatasteofthethingsweneedtotalkabout.IsHarperreadyto
seeme?”
“First,whenamIgoingtoseeyou?”
“You’reinchargeofmyschedule,”Isaid.“ChooseanightthatI’mfree,andI’lleither
cometoyou,oryoucancometome.”
Infrustration,shesatdownathercomputer,pulledupmyschedule,andthenlookedup
atme.“Turnsoutyou’refreetonight.”
“OK.So,willitbemyslumdigsoryourfabapartment?”
“Withthepapsgoingbonkersoveryounow,itwouldbeeasierifIcametoyou.”
“Howdoeseighto’clocksound?”
“Fine,”shesaid.“Doyouneedmetobringanything?”
“MaybeabottleoftheGoose,”Isaid.“Andplease,feelfreetobuythebiggestbottle
youcanfind.”
“Ican’tbelieveyouallowedthistohappen,”shesaid,standingupandcomingaround
herdesktobringmetoHarper’soffice.“AndI’mnotgoingtolietoyou—I’m
disappointedinyou.”
“Julia,I’minlove,”Isaid.“Trynottobedisappointed,becauseyouknowImustbe
feelingsomethingprettysubstantialforthattohavehappened.”
“EspeciallyafterEric,”shesaidasshelookedatme.“Igetit.Butdon’tyoudarelet
thisgetinthewayofyourfuture,Sienna.”
“Idon’tplanto.Ipromiseyouthat.Now,look,”Isaid,“we’lldiscusseverything
tonight.ButrightnowIhavetofocusonbeingmybestwhenIwalkintoHarper’soffice.
Aretheboyshereyet?”
“Allofthemareinthere,”shesaid,“includingMimi.”
Ihoistedupmyboobs,andwhenIdidso,Julialookednakedlyatthem.
“You’renotwearingabra.”
“I’mnot.”
“Well,that’sprettyracy.”
“Sometimesoneneedstobe.Butdon’tworry—Iplantoplayitcool.”Iarchedan
eyebrowather.“Shallwe?”
***
“Sienna!”HarpersaidwhenJuliaopenedthedoorforme.IsteppedintoHarper’slavish
office.Withaquickglancearoundtheroom,IsawthatJacksonandMimihadtakenthe
sofatotheright,whileAustinwassittinginachairthathadbeencenteredattheendof
thetwosofas.Hewasfacingme.IlookedstraightathimasHarpercameovertome,and
asIdid,Isawhisgazesweepovermybodyassheembracedme.Austintotallyclocked
mybreastsbeforeheglancedawayagain.
WasthatlustIjustsawinyoureyes,Austin?Ibelieveitwas …
“Howareyou,love?”Harpersaidinmyear.“Yesterdaywaspurehellforyou.I’ve
beenbeyondworriedaboutyou.”
“I’mgood,”Isaid,huggingherback.Ifeltherloveformeinherembrace,andImade
sureshefeltmyownforher.“I’mreallyhappytoseeyou,”Isaid.
Sheheldmyhandsandtookastepawayfromme.“Youlookstunning,”shesaid.“I
don’tknowhowyou’redoingit,butcominginherelookinglikethisgivesmehopethat
youreallyareweatheringthestorm.You’vealwaysbeenstrong,mylove.Andtough.I’ll
foreveradmireyouforthat—andparticularlyforthestatementyoumadetothepresslast
night.Itwasheartfelt,meaningful,andspoketothemoment.I’mproudofyou.”
“AsamI,”Mimisaidasshestoodandcameovertome.“Siennaknowsthatsheneeds
tobetoughifshe’sgoingtobeinthisbusiness.Andjustlookathernow—strongerthan
ever.Sienna,youlooklikethestarthatyouare.Aftereverythingyouwentthrough
yesterday,hereyouarrivelookingflawless.Thosepants!”shesaid.“Sublimeslender
sticks!Andthenthere’syourtop,whichisscreamingred-lightdistricttomerightnow.So
hot.Sobeyond!Iloveit!”
“Stopcomingontomyclient,Mimi,”Harpersaid.“It’sgrotesque.”
“IamnotcomingontoSienna,Harper.Likeyou,I’mmerelyadmiringher.”
“Likeacatadmiresabowlofmilk?”
“Please,”shesaidasshestoodbeforeherformerlover.“Asyouwellknow,Harper,
womenchaseme.It’sneverbeentheotherwayaround.”
“Andyetsomeregretit.”
“That’sonyou,darling.Nowbegoff.”
Inherbright-whitepowersuit,Mimipracticallychargedatme.Asweexchangeda
quickhugandsheshoweredmewithmorecompliments,IheardHarperclearherthroat
beforeMimiandIbrokeawayfromeachother.
“Imeanit,”Mimisaid.“Youlookfantastic.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Iappreciatethat,Mimi.”
“Whatyou’veaccomplishedisnosmallfeat,Sienna,”shesaid.“Imean,justlookatthe
blizzardyouandJacksonhaveenduredsinceallthisbegan.Idon’tknowhowyoutwo
havekeptittogether,butyouhave—andit’sworked.TheheatisoffJackson,andyou’re
abouttobecomethestaryou’vealwayswantedtobecome.Icallthatawin-win!”
“Siennaisalreadyastar,Mimi,”Harpersaid,herarmscrossed.“Now,it’smyjobto
turnherintoanicon.”
“Anicon?”Isaid.
“We’llgetyouthere,mydear—justyouwatch.”
“Youknowwhat,Harper?”Mimisaid.
“DoIdareask,Mimi?”
“Youshould,becauseIagree.LikeJackson,Sienna’sgotthat‘it’thinggoingforher.
She’sariddlepackagedinamystery.JacksonandIhavediscusseditourselves.Thatsaid,
whatIstillcan’tunderstandforthelifeofmeiswhyit’stakenyousolongtobringherto
thismoment.Butyoufinallydid,sogoodonyou,Iguess.”
BeforeHarpercouldletherhaveit,Mimisaid,“Sienna,Iwantedtotellyoupersonally
thatweallappreciateeverythingyou’vedoneforJackson,justasI’msurethatyou
appreciateeverythingJacksonhasdoneforyourcareer,whichissubstantial.Wefeelthat
way,don’twe,Jackson?”
“Mimi,Siennawasonthevergeofhittingitbigbeforesheevenenteredmylife,”
Jacksonsaidwithafrustratedsighfromthesofa.“So,let’sgetthatstraight,OK?She’s
helpedmemorethanI’vehelpedher.”
Mimi’seyesnearlycrossedbeforeshesaid,“Ofcourse!”
“Andwe’vesincebecomefriends,Mimi,”Jacksonsaid.“Closefriends.”
“Anaddedbenefitifthereeverwasone,”shesaid.“Wouldn’tyouagree,Sienna?I
mean,mygoodness!TobefriendswithJacksonCruise!”
“Wehavebecomefriends,Mimi,andourfriendshipisreal.WhatJacksonandIhave
cometofeelforoneanothergoesbeyondourcareers.Wemightfakeourrelationshipfor
themasses,butinthemeantime,we’vesincedevelopedadeepfriendshipthatIcherish.”
“Well,howpositivelyuplifting!”shesaid.“Andsorewarding.AndmayIsay,how
completelyunexpected!”
“Quititwiththeshowbiz,Mimi,”Harpersaid.“Sienna’stellingthetruth.”
“Harper,whydoyoualwaysfeelthatI’mbeingdisingenuous?”
“MaybebecauseIknowyou?But…whatever.Let’sjustleaveitthere,becauseJackson
hasashootlatertoday,andtimeisshort.WeneedtonaildownwhatAustinhasinmind
whenitcomestofirmingupSienna’ssecuritydetail,whichisnecessary.So,whydon’t
youtakeyourseatnexttoJackson,SiennaandIwillsitdownacrossfromyou,andwe’ll
allturntoAustinforhisadvice?”
Whenwedid,HarperlookedatAustin.
“Whatareyourecommending?”sheasked.
Themomentshesaidthat,mystomachtensed,eventhoughIalreadyknewwhathe’d
decided.Hewasgoingtoputevenmoredistancebetweenus.
“WhatIrecommendisthatIcontinuetoleadJackson’sdetail,”hesaid.“Whenit’s
JacksonandSiennaouttogether,I’llbringinothermentoassistmeinprotectingthem.”
“Whodoyouhaveinmind?”Jacksonasked.
“DavidandBrian,”hesaid.“IfIfeelweneedmore,I’llalsobringinAdam.”
“So,youhaveDavidandBrianinmindforSienna?”Mimiasked.
“WhenitcomestoprotectingSienna,Davidwilltakeovertheleadforme,andhe’llbe
joinedbyBrian,whoeveryonebutSiennaknowsisaformerNavySEAL.He’san
absoluteprofessional.HeandDavidwillseetoSienna’ssafetyuntilthecontractends.
Theyareamongtheverybestofmyteam,andIknowwithcertaintythey’llprotectSienna
goingforward.”Atthatmoment,hefinallylookedatme.“Becausethat’sasimportantto
measitistoeveryoneelseinthisroom.”
AsIlookedintohiseyes,Isensedthathedidfeelthiswasthebesthecoulddoforme.
HewantedtokeepusapartsoIwouldn’tbedistractedbyhim—andhimbyme—while
twoothermenIfeltnothingforprotectedme.Tobefairtohim,hisdecisionwaspractical
onpaper—butitstillfrustratedthehelloutofme,ifonlybecauseIwasn’tsurethatwas
alltherewastoit.Washisinsistencetothrowupwallsbetweenusjustaboutmysafety?
Orwasitalsoaboutprotectinghisownheart—especiallysincehedidn’tknowhowIfelt
abouthim?Didhefeelthatattheendofthis,I’dbetoobigastartoevenconsiderhaving
alifewithhim?Ifthatwerethecase,Iwantedtoscreamattheveryideaofit.
JacksonnoddedatAustin.“Thanks,Austin,”hesaid.
“Mypleasure.Ihopeeveryonebelievesthisisthebestdirectiontotake.”
“Iappreciatethethoughtyou’veputintothis,”Jacksonsaid.“ButIhaveotherideas,
andwe’llfollowthroughwiththose.”
Surprised,weallturnedourgazestowardJackson.
“Sorry?”Austinsaid.
“Austin,Idon’tmeananydisrespectwhenitcomestomyownpersonalassessmentof
thesituation,butbecauseofSienna’srelationshipwithme,shecontinuestobefreshmeat
forthemasses—whichallofussawyesterday.Andbecauseofthat,Ican’tallowhernot
tohavethebestteampossible.Shewassexuallyassaulted,forChrist’ssake!So,here’s
whatIwant:youandDavidwillprotectherwhileAdamandBrianwillseetome.When
SiennaandIareoutinpublictogether,Iexpectthefourofyoutobeoutinforceforeach
ofus,becauseeveryoneinthisroomknowsthatthingshavebecomefarmoreinsanethan
anyofusimaginedwhenwefirstwentintothis.Idon’tmeantochallengeyou,Austin,
butIwilldomybestbySienna,andthatmeanshavingyouleadingherteam.”
AmomentpassedbeforeAustinsaid,“OK.”
“Thanksforunderstanding,”Jacksonsaidasheturnedtome.“Howdoyoufeel,
Sienna?”
Fuckingconflicted,Jackson.ButfranklyalsokindofrelievedthatImighthavean
opportunitytogetAustinalone.
“ThatI’llfeelsafe,”Isaid.“Whenitcomestomysecurity,you,Mimi,andAustin
alwayshavehadmyback.I’mgladthat’sgoingtocontinue.Thankyou,Jackson.”
“Anythingforyou,Sienna.”Heclappedhishandsashestood.“So,arewegoodhere?”
“We’regood,”HarperandMimisaidatonce.
“I’mgood,”Isaid.
“Austin?”Jacksonsaid.“Areyougoodwiththis?”
“Sure,”hesaid.“You’retheboss,Jackson.DavidandIwillmakeitwork.”Heglanced
overatme,andinhiseyesIcouldfeelhowconflictedhefelt.“We’llkeepyousafe,
Sienna.Icanpromiseyouthat.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
Laterthatevening—rightontime,asusual,becauseJuliawasneverlate—sheshowedup
atmyapartmentwithabrownpapersackinherhand,whichshethrustatmewhenI
openedthedoortogreether.
“IgottheGoose,”shesaidasItookthesackfromher.“Youmakethemartinis.We’ll
drinkoneinsilence.I’llstareatyouinwaysthatwillmakeyoufeeluncomfortable.We’ll
haveanotherdrink.Andthenwe’lltalk.”
“Whydoyouwanttomakemefeeluncomfortable?”Iaskedasshewalkedpastmeand
movedintothelivingroom.
“Ithinkyoualreadyknow.”
Idid.She’dnowhadseveralhourstocometotheconclusionthatI’dlikelykeptAustin
asecretfromheronpurpose,whichwasn’tthecaseatall.NaturallyI’dplannedtotellher
everythingatsomepoint,butwithmylifesoheavilyscheduled,Ihadn’tfoundthe
necessarytimetodosountilthismorning.
Ishutandlockedthedoorandthenhurriedinbehindher.
“Julia,beforeyougetangrierthanyoualreadyare,youhavetounderstandthatallthis
justrecentlyhappened.IonlysleptwithAustinfourdaysago,forGod’ssake!What
happenedtomeyesterdaywasanightmareinmorewaysthanyou’lleverknow,because
beingpubliclygropedwasonlypartofthathellishday.ThemomentIsawyouthis
morning,ItoldyouasmuchasIcould.IfyouthinkI’vebeenkeepingthisfromyou,I
haven’t.I’mstilltryingtoprocessitmyself.”
Withfoldedarms,sheturnedtolookatme.Itwassowarmoutsidethatshewas
wearingapairofwhiteclassiccadyshorts,ayellowtanktop,andaprettypairofsandals.
Herblondhairwasheldupinatightchignontokeepitoffherneckandshoulders.
“Howcouldyouhavefalleninlovewithhimsoquickly?”sheasked.
“Idon’tknow,butit’shappened—Icantellyouthat.”
“Maybeit’sjusthormones,”shesaid.“Orthefactthatyouhaven’tbeenlaidsinceyou
werewithEric.”
“Well,that’sabitharsh,”Isaid.“AndunlessI’mwronghere,Ithoughtyouknewme
betterthanthat.IwasattractedtoAustinthefirsttimeIseteyesonhim,whichwe
discussedthelasttimeyouwerehere.Whatyoudon’tknowiswhat’shappenedsince.”
“Allright,”shesaid,sinkingintomysofaandcurlingherlegsbeneathher.“Makethe
martinis.We’llhaveadrink,andyoucantellmeeverythingIdon’tknow.”
“Areyougoingtostareatmeinjudgment?”
“Iwasonlyjokingaboutthat,”shesaid.“ButsinceIcareaboutyou,it’sstillyourjob
toconvincemethatthisisreallyhappening.”
AfterImadethemartinis,Igaveherhers,satnexttoheronthecouch,andfilledherin
oneverythingIhadn’ttoldherthatmorning.WhenIwasfinished,shelookedatmefora
momentbeforeshenoddedattherosesonthecoffeetable.
“Arethosefromhim?”sheasked.
“Theyare.”
“Well,”shesaid.“Ihavetosaythatthey’rebeautiful.”
“Theyare.”
“Buthowdoyouknowifit’sloveandnotlust?”sheasked.
“BecauseI’vebeeninlovebefore—withEric.Ironically,Iusedtolustafterthelikesof
JacksonCruisewhenIwasjustafanofhisandnothisfriend.Iknowthedifference,Julia
—andit’sprofound.”
“Well,”shesaidwithasighassheputheremptymartiniglassdownonthecoffee
table.“Maybealotofthisisjustonme,Sienna,becauseIdon’tthinkI’veeverbeenin
love.”
“Never?”Isaidinsurprise.“WhataboutMichael?”
“Look,Michaelwasagreatguy.Butdidheoranyofmyotherboyfriendsrockmy
worldthewayAustinclearlyhasrockedyours?Didanyofthemcatchmeoffguardand
setmeonmyassthewayAustinandEricdidtoyou?No.YouandIwerefriendswhen
youmetEric.Irememberhowtakenyouwerewithhim.Irememberhowmuchinlove
youwerewithhim,howexcitedyouwerejusttobewithhim.Andthenhowcrushedyou
werewhenhedecidedtothrowitallawaybysleepingwiththatbitch.I’venever
experiencedanythingclosetowhatyou’veexperiencedinyourlife,sowhoamItojudge
whatlovefeelslikewhenIdon’tthinkI’veeverfeltitmyself?”
Isensedwewereabouttogosomewheredeeperintoourfriendshipthanwe’dever
gonebefore,soInoddedatheremptyglass.
“Anothermartini,doctor?”Iasked.
“Considermepremed.But,yes—anothermartiniwouldbegreat.”
WhenIreturnedwithourdrinks,thistimewetouchedglasseswhenIsatnexttoher.
“So,you’reinlove,”shesaid.
Itwasn’taquestion—itwasastatement.
“Iam.”
“Whatdoesitfeellike?”sheasked.“Howdoyouevenknow?”
“Thosearetwoverydifferentquestions,solet’sstartwiththesecondone,becauseit
leadsintothefirst.”
“OK.”
“HowdidIknowthatI’dfalleninlovewithAustin?Itwasn’twhenwemadelove,
althoughthatwasoffthecharts.Itwasn’twhenhesentmetheflowersorthefoodor
whenheplayedthatMariahCareysongforme—althoughallthosethingscertainly
contributedtohowInowfeelabouthim.IthinkIdidn’trealizehowdeeplyIfeltforhim
forafewreasons.FirstiswhatEricdidtome,whichmademecreateawallaround
myselfthatIwantednoonetogetthrough.Second,I’vebeensobusywithJacksonthatI
haven’thadtimetoprocessmyfeelingsforAustin—untilIwasforcedto.”
“Whendidthathappen?”
ItoldherabouttheconversationI’dhadwithJacksonontheyachtandhowhe’d
realizedhe’dfalleninlovewithAshthemomentAshhadtoldhimthathewaspreparedto
leaveJacksonifhecouldn’tfullybethereforhim.
“That’swhenithitme,”Isaid.“ThesamedayAustintoldmehewasfallinginlove
withme,healsosaidhewasgoingtodistancehimselffromme,whichhehas…for
reasonsI’vealreadytoldyou.”
“Thewholenot-wanting-to-be-a-distractionthing,”shesaid.
“That’sright.WhenJackson’sownstorypulledmytruefeelingsforAustinoutofme,it
waslikelightbulbsgoingoffallaroundme.Atthatmoment,theideaoflosinghimwas
suchamassivepunchtomygutthatIcouldn’tignoreit.IfI’dfeltnothingforhim,Icould
easilyhavejustwalkedawayfromhim.ButafterlisteningtoJackson’sstory—and
listeningtomyownheart—IrealizedIcouldn’t.IknewthenthatIwasinlovewith
Austin.So,toansweryourfirstquestionaboutwhatlovefeelslike—whatIfeltwhenI
thoughtImightlosehimwassoprofoundthatIfeltgutted.There’ssomethingabouthim
thatmakeshimsingularlyspecial,andIsawitrightthenandthere,justashewasabout
removehimselffrommylife—whichhe’salreadydoneasmuchashecould.Iwasinlove
withhimbeforeIevenknewIwasinlovewithhim.Andbecausehe’sdoinghisbestto
shutmeoutofhisliferightnow,IsomehowneedtofindawaytotellhimwhatIfeelfor
him.”
“Andyetyoucan’twithDavidaround?”
“That’sright.BecauseifIdid,there’sachanceitwouldgetbacktoMimiandJackson,
andthatmightputmycontractatrisk.IneedtogetAustinalone.ButwithDavidinthe
picture,I’mnotsureIcan.”
“Austinsaidhe’dwaitforyou,”shesaid.“Whydoubthim?”
“Becausesevenmonthsmightaswellbealifetime.Austinisacatch,Julia—youknow
that.WhyshouldIbelieveforonemomentthatanotherwomanwon’tcomealongwho
willcatchhiseye?He’sasingleman.Hehashisneeds.SomehowIhavetogetinfrontof
thisandtellhimhowIfeelbeforeit’stoolate.”
“Howwillyoudothat?”sheasked.
“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,“butIwill.YouknowhowpersistentIcanbe.I’llfindthatcrack
inhisdoor,andwhenIdo,Iplantobuststraightthroughit.”
“Adoor…”Juliasaid,almosttoherself.“That’sexactlywhatyoutwoneed.”
Confused,Ijustlookedather.
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Weneedtogetyoutwoalonebehindacloseddoor.”
“AndhowisthatgoingtohappenwithDavidhoveringaroundus?Please,doyourbest
toenlightenme.”
“Harper’sdayisfilledwithmeetings—youknowthat.Andmostofthemtakeplace
awayfromheroffice.Especiallywhenshehasoneofherthree-hourluncheswithaclient
orastudiohead,whichhappensatleasttwoorthreetimesaweek.”
“ButwhatdoesthathavetodowithAustinandme?”
“Sweetie,cookie,baby—justsettledownandlistentoJulia,OK?You’reinafake
relationshipwithJackson,right?”
“Obviously,althoughIhavecometoadorehim.”
“Fine.Infact,good!ButhowaboutifIsetupafakemeetingbetweenHarperand
Austin?OnlywhenAustinarrives,hewon’tknowshe’satoneofherthree-hourlunches.
I’lllethiminside,gethimsomecoffee,andaskhimtositdownandrelaxbecause
Harper’srunninglate.That’swhenyou’llarrive.Andthat’swhenIshutthedoorbehind
youtwo.Whoops!Lookatthat—youtwo,alonetogether.Whatareyoutwogoingtotalk
about?Idon’tknow…maybeabouthowyoufeelabouthim.”
“Whoareyou?”Iasked.“WhatkindofsorcerydoyouwieldthatIneverknewabout?”
“Imightbeloveless,butI’vealwaysbeencrafty,Sienna.Ijustdon’talwaysshowit,
whichiscraftyofme,wouldn’tyousay?”
“Whatyou’reproposingisactuallykindofbrilliant,”Isaid.“Butit’salsorisky,don’t
youthink?”
“Actually,no.Imean,who’sgoingtospillthebeans,evenwhenAustinfiguresoutthat
hewassetup?You?No.Austin?Hewouldn’tdothattoyou.Me?Ditto.Harper?She’ll
beclueless.”
“He’llbepissedatmeforthis.”
“Maybehewill,butwhatmattersmoretoyou:hismomentaryangerortellinghimhow
youfeelabouthim?”
“Youalreadyknowtheanswer.”
“Good.So,shallIsetupthemeeting?”
“Ihavetodosomething,Julia.Ineedtogetinfrontofthis.”
“Then,IguessI’msettingupthemeeting.”
“NowIfeellikeI’mgoingtobarf.”
“Don’tyoudare!”shesaid.“ThatbottleofGoosesetmebacksixtybucks.Youareso
notgoingtobarf.”
“Doyouthinkit’llwork?”Iaskedher.
Sheshruggedatme.“Idon’tknow,butwhatdoyouhavetolose?”
“Nothing,”Isaid.
“Then,Isaywegivethisatry.IsaythatwegetAustinalonewithyousoyoucantell
himyou’reinlovewithhim.Thisisourbestchanceforthattohappen.Asforme,
Harper’sscheduleissopredictable,IalreadyknowIcanmakethiswork.Butfortherest
ofittowork?”Shetossedbacktherestofhermartinibeforeshelookedatme.“That’sup
toyou,sugar.So,bringit.Workit.Makehimbelieveit.Becauseifyoudon’t,Idon’t
knowwhatliesaheadforyouwhenitcomestohim.Andthatconcernsme.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR
NewYorkCity
August
Unfortunately,Julia’splandidn’twork.Thedaybeforethemeeting,Austinhadreached
outtoHarperhimselftoseeifhecouldreschedule.Sincetherewasinfactnomeeting,
HarperhadgonetoJulia,askingwhyithadbeenscheduledinthefirstplace.CraftyJulia
toldmeshe’dsimplysaidthatshemusthavemisheardHarperinoneoftheirmorning
meetings.
“Ithoughtyou’daskedmetosetupameetingbetweenAustinandyou,”she’dsaid.
“Sorryaboutthat,Harper.”
“Notaproblem,”Harperhadsaid.“Ithrowsomanythingsatyoueachmorning,it’sa
wonderyoucanevenkeepup.”
Andthatwasfuckingthat.
Overthenextfourweeks,asmyrepeatedattemptstogetAustinalonefailedtimeand
again,myfrustrationkeptgrowingashecontinuedtoputdistancebetweenus.Whenever
hespoketome,itwasonlyaboutbusiness,andDavidwasalwayswithinearshot.
Wheneverhetookmehome—ashewastodayaftermylunchwithJackson—Davidwas
withus,becausejustgettingintomyapartmentthesedayswasnothingshortofa
nightmare.Thepaparazziwasalwaysthere,andthentherewereJackson’sfans,who
continuedtoshowuptocatchaglimpseofthewomanwho’dsomehowsnaggedoneof
theworld’smosteligiblebachelors.
Fromthebackseat,IstudiedAustin’sprofileaswedrovedownFifthtowardmy
apartment,andIwondered.Didheeverstealglancesatme?Sincehealwayswore
sunglasses,Ineverreallyknew.DidhefeeltheachethatIfelt?Ordidhehavetheability
toputhisfeelingasideandnotlettheminterferewithhisjob?MostofthetimeIwasable
toconcealhowIfelt,butothertimesIfeltsodesperatethatIjustcouldn’t.Iwasonly
human,andduringthosetimeswhenhewasforcedtotalktome,sometimesIlookedright
athimsohecouldseehowdistraughtIfelt.Notthatithadmadeanydifferencebetween
us—he’dreactedtononeofit.
“Austin,”Davidasked,“wouldyouminddoingmeafavor,buddy?”
“Sure,”Austinsaid.“What’sup?”
“Sharonjustsentmeatext,”hesaid,referringtohiswife.“Ifit’sOKwithSienna,
wouldyoumindstoppingatSymphonyCleanersbetweenThirty-FifthandThirty-Sixth?
It’srightontheway,anditwouldsavemeatrip.”
“WeshouldprobablygetSienna—”
“That’sfinebyme,”Iblurtedout,realizingwithasenseofshockthatwithDavidoutof
thecar,IwasfinallyabouttohavemymomentalonewithAustin.“Stopatthecleaners,
Austin.Let’shelpDavidout.”
“Thanks,Sienna.”
Thankyou,David!
“Noproblem,”Isaid.AsIlookedatAustinintherearview,Icouldliterallyfeelhis
eyesburningintomine,despitehissunglasses.“I’minforthenight,anyway.There’sno
hurrytogetmehome.”
AswecontinueddownFifth,mymindraced.
WhatwouldIsaytohim?
Thetruth …
Whatifhegavemepushback?
Pushbackyourself …
Whatifhetriedtoshutmedown?
Don ’t allowhimto,becauseyou ’ve justbeengivenagift,andyouneedtousethat
gifttomakeAustinawareofexactlyhowyoufeel.Hedoesn ’t knowthatyou ’re inlove
withhim.Now ’s yourchancetotellhimtohisfacethatyouare — so,doit.Andyou ’d
betterconvincehim.
AswecameuponSymphonyCleaners,Isawalineofpeoplestandingoutsidethestore,
waitingtogetin.
“Thiscouldtakeawhile,”AustinsaidtoDavid.“WeshouldtakeSiennahome,and
thenI’llbringyouback.”
“Austin,we’rehere,”Isaid.“Pullthecarover,andletDavidout.He’swatchedover
meforthepastfourweeks,andhe’sdoneaterrificjob.It’stimeformetopayakindness
tohim,regardlessofhowsmallitis.Iinsist.”
Withabarelyaudiblesigh,Austinpulledthecarover.Ashecametoastop,he
switchedonthehazardlights—whichIthoughtwasironic,sincethisparticularhazard
wasabouttocomehisway.
“BebackassoonasIcan,”Davidsaid.
Andthenhewasoutofthecar,andAustinandIwerealone.
“Takeoffyoursunglasses,”Isaidtohim.“Lookatme.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIneedyouto.”
“Sienna—”
“Takeofyourgoddamnedsunglasses,”Isaid.“Beaman.Lookatme,forGod’ssake.
Thishasgoneonlongenough.Ican’tstanditanymore.I’matmywit’sendwhenit
comestoyou.”
Hesatstillforamoment,andthenhejustshookhishead,removedhisglasses,and
lookedatmeintherearview.
“I’minlovewithyou,”Isaid.
Thatjoltedhimintoamotionlesspause.
“You’reinlovewithme?”heaskedafteramoment.
“Iam,”Isaid.“I’minlovewithyou.AndIcan’tstanduslikethis.Ihatethisdistance
you’vebeenputtingbetweenus.BecauseIaminlovewithyou,Austin.Ican’tgetyou
outofmyhead.Ithinkaboutyouallthetime.Iwantyoutoholdmeagain.Tokissme
again.Makelovetomeagain.Ijustwanttobewithyouagain…butyou’remakingthat
impossible,whichiskillingme.Yousaidyouwerefallinginlovewithme.Ifthat’sno
longerthecase,thenpleasejusttellmenow.I’llgetoveritintime,andthenwecanjust
worktogetherwithout—”
“Iaminlovewithyou!”heshouted,slamminghisfistsagainstthesteeringwheeland
thenturningaroundtofaceme.Startled,Ijustlookedbackathim.Hiseyesweren’tjust
heatedandwild—theywerealsofilledwithlongingandfrustration.
“Doyouthinkanyofthishasbeeneasyforme?”heasked.“Ithasn’t!Notbeingableto
touchyou,totalktoyou,andtotakeyouintomyarmsandmakelovetoyouhasfucked
meup!But,Sienna,comeon!Understandthis:becauseofme—andmealone—youwere
sexuallyassaulted,andIcan’tallowthattohappenagain.Youhavetoallowmetobeat
mybest.”
“Ididnotgetassaultedbecauseofyou!”Ishouted.
“Yes,youdid!”hecountered.“Iwasn’tenoughforyou.Ifailedyouinthatmoment.
AndwhenwegotintoyourapartmentandIheardyoutellHarperonthephonewhathad
happenedtoyou,IsworetoGodthatI’dneverletthathappentoyouagain.So,yes,I’ve
putdistancebetweenus.ButIalsotoldyouthatI’dbetherewaitingforyouattheendof
yourcontract.Didyouthinkthatwasjustsomekindofajoke?DoyouthinkI’djust
casuallysaythat?That’snotwhoIam.ImeantwhatIsaid.Aseachdaypasses,Isay
goodriddancetoit,becauseitmeansthatsoonwe’llbeabletobetogetheragain.Not
beingwithyouhasbeenhellforme,butwhatcanIdo?You’renoidiot.Youseefor
yourselfhowcrazyyourlifehasbecome.Andbecauseofthat,youneedtobepresentand
inthemomentsoyoucanalsoprotectyourself.Youcan’taffordtobedistractedrightnow,
Sienna,andneithercanI.Yoursafetyreliesoneachofusbeingmindfulwhenyou’reout
inpublic.”
“Well,guesswhat?”Isaid.“Theoppositehashappened,Austin.Eversinceyoushut
medown,I’veneverbeenmoredistractedorpreoccupiedinmylife.”
“ItoldyouI’dwaitforyou—whatelsedoyouneedtohearfromme?”
“MaybeIdon’twanttohearanything,”Isaid,leaningtowardhim.“MaybewhatIneed
isthis.”
WhenImovedintokisshim,hehesitatedbeforeourlipscollidedagainsteachother
andfinally—finally!—webecameoneagain.Andwhenthathappened—whenweallowed
ourselvestobecomeunleashed—myheartsoared.Ashistonguethrustintomymouth
withforceandmeaning,Ifelthishearttouchmyowninwaysthatunderscoredhisdeep
hungerandneedforme.AshecontinuedtokissmewithapassionI’dneverfeltbefore,
heclaimedmeinwavesofsuchpent-updesirethatitwasoverwhelming—butinthebest
ofways.
Heisinlovewithme,Ithought.Icanfeelit.Iknowit.He ’s rightwhereIam … but
withwallsbuilthigherthanmyown.
Hetwistedhimselfaroundinhisseat,tookmyfaceinhishands,andkissedmeasif
he’dneverkissedmebefore.Butthiskisswasdifferentfromtheotherswe’dshared.This
kissspokevolumesaboutlonging,need,andlove.Tearswelledinmyeyesthatthisperiod
inourliveswasfinallybehindus,andIgaveeverythingIhadbacktohim.Aswe
continuedtokiss,Istrokedmyfingersthroughhisthickblackhairandtuggedontheback
ofit.Ipressedthepalmofmyhandagainsthisrock-solidchestandfelthisheart
hammeringagainstit.WhenIbrokeawayfromhim,Isaidinhisear,“I’minlovewith
you,AustinBlack.Aftermylastrelationship,neverinamillionyearsdidIeverthinkI’d
behereagain,butIam.AndI’mgratefulforit,becauseIneverexpectedtofindlove
again.Oreventobeopentoloveagain,whichIam—andit’swithyou.AllIthinkabout
isyou.Youneedtoknowthat.”
HekissedmewhenIsaidthat,andthenhelookedquicklyoverhisshoulderand
searchedforDavidonthestreet.Ialsolooked,andsincetherewasnosignofhim,he’d
obviouslymadeitintothestore.Hecouldbebackwithusatanymoment.
“Sienna,listentomenow.”
“What’stolistento?”Iasked.“It’sdone.Webothknowhowwefeel.Webothknow
we’reinlove.Andbecausethishorrorshowisfinallybehindus,wecanbetogether
again.”
“No,”hesaidquietlytome.“Theonlythingthat’schangedtodayisthatwe’ve
acknowledgedourfeelingsforoneanother.”
Bewildered,Ijustlookedathim.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iasked.
“YouhaveanothersixmonthstogobeforeyoupartfromJackson.Andbecauseof
everythingyou’veenduredsinceyousignedthatcontractwithhim,youdeservetheten
milliondollarsJacksonisofferingyou.AndI’llbedamnedifI’mgoingtogetintheway
ofthat.”
“Whatareyousaying?”
“Thingsbetweenusneedtoremainthesame.”
“No,”Isaid.“Austin,Ineedtobeabletoseeyou.Ineedtobewithyou.Youhavethe
toolstomakethathappen.Ifwecontinueonlikethis,IthinkI’llgoinsane.”
“Listentome,”hesaid.“Youneedyourfinancialfreedom,andbecauseofthat,neither
ofuscanriskblowingit.Weneedtowaitoutthenextsixmonthsknowingthatwe’llbe
thereforoneanotherintheend.”
“Butyoucan’tshutdownonmeagain,”Isaid.“Pleasedon’tstartactinglikeIdon’t
exist.Ithurtsmewhenyoudothat.Itkillsmewhenyoudothat.Ifyougobackto
behavingasifIdidn’texist,Idon’tthinkmyheartwillbeabletotakeit—especiallynow.
Especiallyafterthatkiss.Andparticularlysincewebothknowhowwefeelabouteach
other.”
Helookedoutthesidewindowagain,Ifollowedhisgaze—andthistimewesawDavid
leavingthestore.
“HerecomesDavid,”hesaid.“Now,listentome.Believeinme.I’vetoldyouhowI
feel.That’snotgoingtochange.Ifyouloveme,waitforme.BecauseIcanpromiseyou
this:sixmonthsfromnowIwillabsolutelybewaitingforyou.”
GivenmyfakerelationshipwithJackson—becauseofwhichI’dseenmylife
completelychangeoverthecourseoftwomonths—Iwasoldenoughtoknowthatlife
couldchangewithinamatterofdays,letalonesixmonths.
Andbecauseofthat,ifAustinandIcouldnotenjoyanykindofintimacyforhalfayear
—Icalledthatalongcard.Hewasgoingtoshutdownonmeagain.AndsoIhadto
wonderonceagain:wouldAustinandIevercometogether?Orwerewejustapairof
foolstobelievewecouldrideoutthisstorm?
Afterconnectingsophysicallyandemotionallywithhimonlymomentsago,he’djust
drawnanotherlineinthesand,andittookeverythingIhadwithinmenottoweepas
Davidenteredthecarwithhiswife’sdrycleaning.ThemomentDavid’sdoorclickedshut,
Austinplungedthecarintotrafficandspedtowardmyapartment.
WhentheygotmehomesafelyandItookthethreeflightsofstairstomyapartment,
mytearsoverflowedwhenIsatdownontheedgeofmysofa.Theycamehard,theywere
gut-wrenching—andChrist,didtheyeverhurt.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
Overthefollowingweek,IhadtodrawuponeveryactingclassI’devertakenjusttoget
througheachday.Mylifehadliterallybecomeanact,anditwasexhaustingtokeep
lookinghappyforthemasseswhenallIwantedtodowasstayhome,shutouttheworld,
andgetmyheadonstraight.
Buttherewasnotimeforthat.
AsAustinrecededfrommeonceagain,JacksonandIwerekeptbusywithaslewof
eventsthroughouttheweek.WiththeexceptionoflastFriday,whenJacksonhadmeetings
toattend,I’dbeenoutwithhimeverynight—andnotjustfordinner.
OnSaturday,wewenttoamoviepremiere,whichmeanthandlingtheinsanityofthe
redcarpet.OnSunday,wefoundourselvesatafundraisingeventheldbyJenniferand
AlexanderWenn,whowereManhattanroyaltyduetotheirphilanthropy,andthe
sprawlingconglomeratetheyowned,WennEnterprises.
AndthencameMonday,whenJacksonandIhadtodoaphotoshootwithPeople
magazine,whichwasdoingaprofileonJackson’slife.SinceIwaspartofhislife,I’dalso
beeninterviewedandaskedrepeatedlyaboutourloveforeachother—whichnearlykilled
me,sinceIwasinlovewithanotherman.
JacksonandIhadposedtogetherforawholehostofphotos.WhenI’daskedthe
photographerifIcouldseewhatshe’dshot,she’dgraciouslyshownmeseveralofher
favorites,andrightthenandthereitoccurredtomethatonedayImightindeedwinan
Oscar,becausethesephotostoldthestoryofacoupleinlove.
Asthedayspassed,itbecamecleartomethatifIweregoingtobesanebythetimemy
contractendedwithJackson,Iwasgoingtohavetoshutdownmyemotionsandputmy
loveforAustinaside.Thatwasatallorder,butifIdidn’tdoasAustinwasdoing,I’djust
continuetobeawreck.He’dmadehiscaseandhispositionclear,soIneededtosuckit
up,bestronger,andtrustthathewouldbethereformeintheend.
Butnoneofitwaseasy.Ifanything,itwashell.
Astheweekprogressed,JacksonandIwenttoanotherpartyonTuesday,agalaon
Wednesday,andthenlastnight,amajorhumanrightsbenefit.Harperhadofferedmeupto
addressthecrowdwithaspeechthatwouldfocusonequality.
Yesterdayafternoon,she,Julia,andIhadcraftedmyspeech,whichallowedmeto
addresscoreissuesIbelievedin.Andwhenitwastimetoattendtheevent,Iwasfinally
allowedtobetherealme.TherealSienna.Theonewhowasn’tlyingtotheworldand
fakingit.WhenItooktothestage,Iseizedthemomenttospeakaboutsexualassault,race
relations,mylovefortheLGBTQcommunity,and—mostimportantly—theequalitythat
onlylovecouldbring.
Aftersomanymonthsofnotbeingme,Harper’sgeniuswastoallowmetobeme—and
onaglobalstage.SheknewIneededthat.She’dsensedit—andasusual,she’dcome
throughforme.
Andnow,asIwoketoanewday,Ifoundmyselfstillglowingfromtheeventitself.
Naturally,JacksonhadbeeninthecrowdtosupportmeandcheermeonwhenIhitthe
rightnotes.AndinthosemomentswhenIcaughtglimpsesofhimseatedinthefrontrow,
myonehopewhenIspokeaboutgayrightswasthathe’dfeelthepowerofmywords—
andtheconvictionbehindthem—especiallysinceI’dcometotheconclusionthatJackson
wouldnevercomeout,whichsaddenedme.
Ontheyacht,he’dsaidthatAshhadgivenhimamonthtocomeoutorhe’dleavehim.
Thatdayhadpassedfivedaysago.AndwhileJacksonhadn’tsaidawordtomeabout
whetherAshhadlefthimornot,IhadtobelievethatafterthePeopleinterview,which
hadfocusedsomuchonourownrelationship,thatJacksonhaddecidedtoremaininthe
closet.Partofmeunderstoodthereasonswhy,particularlywhenitcametohiscareer,but
alargerpartofmedidn’tunderstandatall.
He’dtoldmethathewasinlovewithAsh.Didhiscareermeansomuchtohimthat
he’dneverallowloveintohislife?Themanwasworthhundredsofmillionsofdollars,for
God’ssake!Howmuchmoremoneyorfamedidheneedbeforehegrabbedholdofthat
love—andnotthefakeloveweshared?Forsomebodywhoexudedsuchastrongpresence
onscreen,Jacksonhimselfwasn’tthatstrong,andthatdisappointedme.He’dtoldmethat
hesawAshandhimselfraisingafamilytogether.Buildingalifetogether.Growingold
together.
Butintheend,hisfearofcomingouthadclearlygottenthebestofhim—whichI
plannedtobringuplatertodaywhenwehadlunchtogether.IfIcouldsomehowmanage
togetthroughtohimbeforeAshshutthedoortightlybetweenthem—providedhealready
hadn’t—Iwould.
Afterwashingmyface,brushingmyteeth,andgrabbingacupofcoffee,Iwenttomy
computerandstartedtoreadthestoriesthathadbeenwrittenaboutlastnight’sevent.And
whenIdid,Iwassomewhatrelieved.ForthefirsttimesinceI’dbeenwithJackson,these
storieswereaboutme—notus.ThisgavemehopethatwhenJacksonandIdidgoour
separateways,Imightbeabletocomeoutofthiswithanidentityofmyown.
WhenitwastimetogetreadyforAustinandDavidtopickmetotakemetoJackson,I
putmycomputertosleep.Todaywouldbeaquieterday.JacksonandIwereonlymeantto
havelunchatanotherhotspotcalledLeCoucou—thesoundofwhichwasnotlostonme
—beforehereturnedtoshootmorescenesforAnnihilateThem.
WhenI’dfinishedmycoffee,Ichoseanoutfitforthedayandwasabouttostepintothe
showerwhenIheardmycellringoutinthelivingroom.
Answeritorletitgointovoicemail?
Asifthelatterwereanoption.Iwalkednakedintothelivingroomandsawthatitwas
Juliacalling.
“Givemeasecond,”IsaidwhenIansweredthephone.“Iwasjustgettingintothe
shower,andI’mnaked.”
“Oh,you’remorethanthat,honey,”shesaid.“You’vebeenexposed.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iasked.“Andwhydoyousoundoutofbreath?”
“Idon’tknow—maybebecausesomemajorfuckingnewsjustbroke?”
“Whatnews?”
“Bestifyouseeitforyourself,”shesaid.“Gotoyourcomputer,andbringupGoogle
News.Thestorywentlivetenminutesago—andbecauseofit,it’schaoshereattheoffice.
Peoplemightaswellbewalkingstraightintowalls.Andthenthere’sHarperandMimi,
whowereblindsidedbyitandarenowdiscussingGodonlyknowswhatinHarper’s
office.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iasked,hurriedlyretrievingmybathrobeandslipping
intoit.
“Sienna,justsitinfrontofyourcomputer,anddoasIasked.”
“ButIwasjustonline,”Iprotested.
“Howlongago?”
“Twentyminutesago?”
“AsIsaid,thestorybroketenminutesago.Andtheuniverseisonfirebecauseofit.
TherearesomanyphonesringingaroundmerightnowthatI’dbetterstartanswering
them.Butbeforeyouleftfortheday,IknewIhadtowarnyouaboutthis.So,gettoyour
computer,becauseshitisgettingrealinwaysnoneofussawcoming.Especiallyforyou
—becausealotofthishappenstoinvolveyou.”
“Ifitinvolvesme,thenwhyhasn’tHarpercalledme?”
“Oh,she’llbecallingyouatsomepointsoon,butrightnowshe’sincrisis-management
modewithMimi.”
“IsthisaboutthespeechIgavelastnight?”IsaidasIstartedformybedroom.“DidI
saysomethingwrong?Becausethat’snotwhatIreadthismorning.Peoplerespondedwell
towhatIhadtosay.Hasthatchanged?HaveIoffendedsomeone?”
“Oh,forGod’ssake—justgetinfrontofyourfuckingcomputer,Sienna!”
“I’mnowsittinginfrontofmycomputer,”Isaid,“andI’mbringingupGoogleNews.
Thepageisloading.AndI’mskimming…and…Oh.My.God!Jacksondidit!Hecame
out!Holyshit!It’srightthereonthefrontpage.AndhedidsothroughPeoplemagazine!
Hemusthavebeenplanningthis!Andstopthepresses,butwho’sthehotguyonthecover
withhim?IsthatwhoIthinkitis?”
“ThatwouldbeacertainAshWalker,”Juliasaid.“Otherwiseknownastheman
Jacksonhasbeenseeingontheslyfornearlyayear—a.k.a.thepilotwiththeprettypout.”
“He’ssohandsome,”Isaid.AsIlookedatthecoverofPeople,myheartswelled.The
headlinewasasstraightforwardasitwassimple:
I’MGAY,ANDI’MINLOVE!
WhenIreadthosewords,Iblinkedtwiceatthem.He’ddoneit.Myfriendhadfinally
doneit!
“Haveyoupassedout,orareyoustillthere?”Juliaasked.
“I’mstillhere.I’mjustinshock.”
“Shock,”Juliasaidwithagrimlaugh.“Youshouldseethisplacerightnow.CAAhas
officiallybecomeazooofzombies.Pale,blankfacesparadingaroundinPradawherever
youlook.IfnobodyknowswhatthehelltodohereatCAA,justimaginewhat’s
happeningtotherestoftheworldrightnow.Womenareprobablythrowingthemselvesoff
bridgesandbuildingsandheadlongintobayous.Butthegays?Oh,thegaysareonfire!
BecausewithJacksoncomingout—anA-listactionstarstatinghisloveforanotherman
inamajormagazine—that’sagamechanger,kiddo.”
“LookathowhappyJacksonlooks,”IsaidasIgazedatthemagazine’scover.“Ican’t
believethis.Ithoughthe’dnevergothere.I’msohappyhedid.”Andthenithitme.“Wait
aminute,”Isaid.“IwasinterviewedbyPeoplethisweekwithJackson.HeandItook
photographstogether.Igushedtothereporterinthatinterviewabouthowinlovewewere.
Insomeofthephotographs,wewereevenaskedtoposeromanticallytogether.Whythe
helldidn’thetellmeaboutanyofthis?”
“Don’tworry,”shesaid.“I’vereadtheentirearticle,andit’sclearJacksonknew
exactlywhathewasdoing,asdidthereporter.MyguessisthatforhimtogivePeoplethat
kindofanexclusive—whichwillsellmillionsofmagazines—hereachedanagreement
withtheeditorbeforehetoldthemanything.”
“Whatkindofanagreement?”
“RememberwhenJacksontooklastFridayoff?”
“Vaguely…”
“Well,hedid.AndIthinkhewasinterviewedbythemagazinethen.Ithinkheoffered
themanexclusiveifhistermsweremet.Andthosetermsclearlyincludedbeingfairto
you,becauseinthisarticle,youcomeoffextremelywell.Touchingandsupportive,a
friendstandingupforafriendwhodidn’tdaregopublicwithhissexuality.Inthearticle,
Jacksonsaysitwasyouwhoultimatelyencouragedhimtodoit.”
“Hesaidthat?”Iasked.
“Hedid.Jacksontookcareofyou,cookie.Andbytheway,thephotosofyoutwothat
weresupposedtolookromantic?Inthestory’scontext,nowtheyonlylooksupportive.
Andwhatevermushy,lovey-doveystuffyouhadtosayaboutJackson,noneofthat’sin
theinterview.WhichonceagainmakesmebelievethatJacksoncutadealwithPeople
beforegivingthemthescoop.Andbytheway,theychoseyourwordswell.They’ve
turnedyouintoanadvocateforthegaycommunity.”
“NowI’mjustgoingtocry,”Isaid,feelingmyfaceflush.“I’msohappyforhim!And
yousayMimiknewnothingaboutthis?”
“No,whichiswhysheandHarperareinafranticcrazerightnow.They’rehuddledin
Harper’soffice,tryingtofigureouthowbesttogoforward.Jacksonjustupanddidthis
onhisown—likelybecauseheknewMimiwouldhavegivenhimpushback.Anyway,I’m
callingforanotherreason.”
“Whatotherreason?”Isaid.
“Ifit’schaoshere,imaginethekindofchaosthat’swaitingoutsideyourfrontdooras
wespeak.HarperandMimiwantyouandJacksontobehereattwo.Austinwillsendfour
ofhismentoprotectJacksonwhilehe,David,andtwoofhisothermenwillcomeget
you.So…listentome,”shesaidinavoicechargedwithconcern.“I’mworriedaboutyou
rightnow.Ifyouthinkyourlifewasinsaneevenaweekago,withthisstorygoingviral—
andwithTwitterandFacebookexplodingbecauseofit—youwillbemobbedwhenyou
leaveyourapartment.Anditwillprobablybeworsethanever.”
“Julia,thosereportersaregoingtohammerme,”Isaid.“WhatamIsupposedtosayto
them?Thisentiretime,we’vebeenlyingtothem—andalsototheworld.They’regoingto
bepissedthatwetriedtoconthem.WhatamIsupposedtosaytothem?”
“Harperwilltellyouwhattosaywhenshecallsyou,buthere’showIseeit.Thepaps
havealreadyreadtheinterview,inwhichJacksonaddressesthereasonsbehindhisfake
relationshipwithyou.Whenyoureadtheinterviewforyourself,you’llseethathethanks
youprofuselyforstandingbyhimuntilhegotupthecouragetocomeout.Giventhe
carefulwayheframedyourrelationship,Idon’tseeanynegativepublicitycomingyour
way.Ifanything,Iseeonlygoodthingsforyou.Themagazinehasportrayedyouasa
graciouswomanwhowaswillingtoputhercareeronholdsoshecouldstandbyher
friendwhilesheurgedhimtotellhistruthtotheworld.”
“Isthereanymentionofthecontract?”Iasked.
“None.Jacksonsaidthatwhatyoudidforhimwasoutofloveandconcern.Now,asfor
howyouhandlethepaps,everyphotothatwillbetakenofyouisgoingtotellitsown
story,andyouhavethepowerofowningthatstory.”
“How?”
“Bybeinghappyforhim,”shesaid.“Isayyouleaveyourapartmentbeamingthat
Jacksonhasfinallyclaimedwhoheis,thathe’stoldtheworldwhohe’sreallyinlove
with,andthathe’snolongerafraidofbeingashamedofit—orshamedforit.Thoseare
emotionsyoualreadyfeel.So?Wearthoseemotionsonyoursleeve.Usethemtoyour
benefit.Don’tlookshell-shocked.Youneedtolookasifyouwereintheknowallalong.
Inthemeantime,waitforHarper’scall.KnowthatIloveyou—andthatintheend,this
willturnoutjustfineforyou.”
“Willit?”Iasked.
“Ithinkitwill.”
“Therearenoguarantees,Julia,”Isaid.
“Therewerenoguaranteeswhenyousignedthatcontract,Sienna.”
“Trueenough.”
“I’vegivenyoumybestadvice.Harpermighthaveacompletelydifferentstrategy.
Takewhatyouwantfromeach,anddowhatfeelsrightforyou.”
“Thanksforcalling,Julia.Yourconcernmeanstheworldtome.”
“WhatwasIsupposedtodo,hangmybestfriendouttodry?Thinkagain,lady.Now,
please,tryyourbesttogetthroughtoday.KnowthatI’llbethereforyouinspirit.I’llbe
thinkingaboutyouandhopingthebestforyou.Wheneveryoucancallandtalk,youcall
me,OK?Regardlessofthetime.”
“OK,”Isaid.
“Iloveyou,Sienna.”
“Iloveyoutoo,Julia.”
Whensheendedthecall,Iliterallyfeltthethunderingweightofsilenceasitfellupon
myshoulders.
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
WhenIgotoffthephone,IreadthePeoplearticletwiceinitsentirety.WhenIwas
finished,apartofmefeltrelievedbyhowsensitiveandhowwellwrittenitwas—andalso
byhowwellJacksonhadplayedhishandinanefforttoprotectme.
Onethinghesaidinparticulartouchedme:“Siennagraciously,bravely,andthanklessly
offeredtobeinafakerelationshipwithmenotonlysoshecouldbuffermefromthe
mediaspeculationsurroundingmysexualitybutalsosoIcouldhavethenecessarytimeto
cometotermswithhowcomingoutwouldaffectmycareer.WhenItoldherIwasalso
concernedthatcomingoutmighthurtmylegacy,she’stheonewhosuggestedthatmaybe
whateverlegacyIleftbehindwasfargreaterthanthemoviesI’vemade.Shechangedmy
wayofthinking.ShemademeseethatmaybeI’dbeenputonthisplanettobeanexample
foryoungpeoplestrugglingtocomeoutasIhave.Overthesepastfewmonths,Sienna
JoneshasworkedhardtohelpmeseethatwhoIamasapersonisfarlargerthanthe
personapeopleviewonscreen.”
Allofthatwastrue,andthefactthathe’dsaidsointheinterviewmademesmile.
Butstill,Ihadtowonderhowthepaparazziwouldhandlemetoday.Wouldtheycall
mealiar?Whynot?Iwasone.WouldtheysayI’dbeenagoodfriendtoJackson?Why
not?BecauseI’vebeenone.Orwoulditbeamixofboth?
Theirjobwastogetareactionoutofme,soIfeltthatattheveryleast,itwouldbea
mixofboth.Andbecauseofthat,Ifeltnervousashell.
WhatamIabouttostepinto?
Ididn’tknow,butIdidknowthis:whenIleftmyapartment,Ihadtolookmyvery
best,becausethephotosthatwereabouttobetakenofmewouldgoglobalbeforeIknew
it,andJuliawasright—eachofthemwouldtelltheirownstoryabouthowItrulyfelt
inside.Andthatwasthething.WhileIwaselatedforJackson,Iwasscaredformyself.
IwassearchingthroughmywardrobeforsomethingbettertoweartodaywhenHarper
calledatten.
“Howareyou?”sheaskedwhenIanswered.
“Shaken,”Isaid.“Jacksontoldmenothingaboutthis.Butjustsowe’reclear,youneed
toknowthatI’mnotangrywithhim,becauseIamtheonewhopressedforhimtocome
out,andI’mgladthathehas.Thatsaid,IamconcernedthatwhenAustinpicksmeupthis
afternoon,youandIbothknowthepaparazziwillgoafterme.Tellmehowtosurvivethat
situation—whatdoIsaytothem,andthustotheworld,particularlysinceI’vebeenliving
alieformonths,whicheveryoneknowsbynow—orthey’llknowsoonenough.Afterthis,
I’mnotsurehowI’llbemetbythepaps…orbythemasses.Ineedyoutoguideme
throughthis,Harper.”
“MimiandItalkedaboutjustthatthismorning,andbelieveitornot,weagreedona
strategy.”
“Youtwoactuallyagreedonsomething?”
“Let’sjustsaythattodayhasbeenpepperedwithsurprises.”
“Whatdidyoudecide?”Iasked.
“WhenyouleaveyourapartmentwithAustinandhisteamatyourside,MimiandI
thinkyouneedtobehaveasifyouknewthiswasgoingtohappenandthatyouareproud
thatyouwereabletobethereforJacksonandhelphimfeelitwassafetocomeout.The
goodnewsisthatthisstoryisgoingtobelessaboutyouandfarmoreaboutJackson.His
comingoutisgoingtobethestorythatdominatesthemedia,Sienna,notyou—whichisa
goodthing.”
“I’mstillattachedtoit,”Isaid,“inamajorway.”
“Youare,”sheagreed.“ButbecauseofthesensitivewayJacksontreatedyouinthe
interview,Ibelieveyouwillcomeoutofthislookinglikethesupportivefriendof
someoneinneed.Jacksondidrightbyyou,becauseit’sclearthatwhateverarrangement
hemadewithPeoplealsoincludedprotectingyou.”
Juliahadsaidthesame.
“Asforthepaparazzi,whenyouleaveyourapartment,youhavetwochoices:say
nothing,orsaysomething.SinceMimiandIbelieveyouneedtoownthisstory,ourbest
advicetoyouisthatyousaysomething.Whenconfronted,saythatyoudidthistohelp
Jacksonworkthroughadifficulttimeinhislife.Nobodyknowsaboutthecontractyou
signedwithhim,andnobodywilleverknowaboutit,sodon’tworryaboutthatbitingyou
intheass,becauseitwon’t.So,ifanyonesaysanythingnegativetoyou,Isayyoushoot
themdownbysayinghowhappyyouarethatJacksonfinallydidthisforhimself.That
that’sbeenyourintentallalong.Howdoesthatsound?”
Onceagain,thatwasprettymuchwhatJuliahadsuggested,andbecauseIrespected
Harperandhersomuch,Icouldn’tignorethatitwasgoodadvice.
“Actually,thatsoundsgood,”Isaid.“ButIhaveanotherquestionforyou.”
“What’sthat?”
“Mycontract,”Isaid.“Jacksonnullifieditwiththatinterview.HeandIarenolongera
couple.Instead,heandAshareacouple.Whatdoesthatmeanforme?”
“Itmeansthatyou’refree,”shesaid.“Itmeansthatthecontractisofficiallyoverasof
today.”
“Seriously?”Isaid.“I’moutofit?”
“Ofcourse.MimiandJacksonhavealreadysignedoff.You’vemetyourobligations,
andJacksonhimselfhasinsistedthatdespitethisnothavinglastedthefulleightmonths,
youneverthelesswillbepaidthefulltenmillionwhenyouarriveforourmeetingthis
afternoon.Butnevermindaboutthatnow.YouneedtogetreadyforAustinandhisteam
topickyouup.They’llbethereinamatterofhours,andyouneedtobecamera-readyfor
theworld.WearthatchicsummerysuitofyoursthatIlovesomuch.”
“TheDiorone?”
“Yes,thewhiteone.Andremember,mydarlinggirl,lookbeyondhappyandthrilled
whenyouleaveyourapartment.Makeeveryonebelieveyouhavebeeninonthisfromthe
beginning,ifonlysoyoucouldgiveJacksontimetocometoacriticallifedecision.Can
youdothat?”
“Itotallycandothat.”
“Good.Now,goandgetready.BetheSiennaIknowyoucanbe.I’llseeyouattwo.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
Later,onceIwasshowered,dressed,andreadyforthecameras,Istoodbeforemy
wardrobe’smirrorandassessedmyself.Mymakeupwaslightandfresh.TheDiorsuit
HarperwantedmetowearhadbeenagiftfromthecompanywhenIworeitforthem
duringmymodelingdays.Butsincethesuitwassoformal,I’ddecidedtosoftenitby
wearingmyhairdownandflowingdownmybackinsoftwaves.
Itwasagoodlook.Butastimepassed,mynervesstartedgettingthebetterofme.
What ’s goingtohappenwhenIstepoutside?Whataretheygoingtosaytome?Are
theygoingtofeedmetothedogs,orwilltheybekindtome?
Onceagain,IknewIneededtobepreparedforboth.
AndthentherewasAustin.IwasnowofficiallyoutofmycontractwithJackson.Had
anyonetoldAustinthatwasthecase?Orhadhesurmiseditonhisown?Andbecauseof
that,whatwasgoingthroughhisheadrightnow?Washegoingtobeaseagertoseemeas
Iwastoseehim?
Whenmybuzzerwentoffatonethirty,IrangDavidthroughandtookadeepbreathto
collectmyselfforallthatwastocome.ButashardasItriedtoconvincemyselfthatIwas
readyforwhatevercamemyway,whothehellwasIkidding?Iwasn’tpreparedforanyof
it.WhentheknockcameatmydoorandIopenedit,Iwasalmostparalyzedwithfear.
AndthenIfeltparalyzedinotherways,becauseitwasn’tDavidwho’dcomeforme.
Instead,itwasAustin.MylipspartedasItookinallsixfootsixofhiminhisperfectly
fittedblackbusinesssuit.Isawtheintensityinhiseyes.Itriedtospeak,butIwasso
shockedthathewasstandingbeforemethatwordswouldn’tcome.
“MayIcomeinside?”heasked.
Isteppedawayfromthedoor.Heenteredmyapartment,shutthedoorbehindhim,and
gotstraighttoit.
“Yourcontract,”hesaid.“HaveyoutalkedwithHarper?Areyouofficiallyoutofit
now?”
“Yes,”Isaid.“ItalkedwithHarperearlier,andbecauseofJackson’sinterviewwith
People,it’snowconsiderednullandvoid.Apparentlywhenwemeetthemattwo,I’llbe
paidinfull,and—”
“That’sallIneededtoknow,”hesaid.Hecametowardmewithaheatedlookofdesire
inhiseyesandtookmeintohisarms,pressingmybackagainstthedoor.
Hislipscollidedagainstmine,andIfelthisneedformesurgethroughme,feelingfaint
asIrealizeditwasstrongerthanI’deverimagineditwouldbe.WhatIfeltinhiskisswas
alovethatwassearingandreal,unlikeanythingI’deverexperiencedbefore.Inthatkiss
wassuchanoverwhelmingsenseofrelief,truth,andhungerthatmyworldfellawayas
hishandssmoothedupmybodyandcaressedmebeforecuppingmybreasts.
Gently,hesqueezedthemandthenbrushedhisthumbsacrossmytautnipples,causing
myheadtorearbackinecstasy.Withmyneckthusexposedtohim,hebegantokissit—
tothepointthatIfeltcertainIwasabouttocomerightthenandthere.
Thisishappening,Ithought.Finally,wecanbeoneagain …
Withhisbodypressedhardagainstmine,Icouldfeeltheswellofhiserectionpulsing
againstmythigh,anditmademecatchmybreathinamixtureofexcitementandraw
delight.
WhenIreacheddowntotakehiminmyhand,Ifelthisgirthandhisimpossiblelength,
andasIdidso,heclaimedmylipswithhisownasIfelthisloveformeroarthroughme,
shakeme,stunme.Impulsively,Ijumpedupandclaspedmylegstightlyaroundhiswaist.
Ifelthishandscurvearoundmyasssohecouldsupportme,andwekissedforwhat
seemedlikeaneternitybeforehestartedtomovetowardmybedroom.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked.“Austin,weneedtoleave.”
“No,wedon’t,”hesaid.
“Look,morethananythingIwanttomakelovetoyou,butHarper,Jackson,andMimi
areexpectingus.”
Hisblueeyesflashedwithmischiefatme.
“Actually,themeeting’sbeenpushedbackuntileight,”hesaid.
“Comeagain?”
HelaughedwhenIsaidthat.
“Sienna,youareseriouslyabouttocomeagain…andagainandagain.”
“No.Well…Imean,yes.OfcourseImeanyes.Butwhyhasourmeetingbeenpushed
backuntileight?”
“AfterthePeopleinterview,itdidn’ttakeageniustoknowthatyou’dalreadyasked
HarperifyouwerestillcontractuallyboundtoJackson.AfterJacksontoldtheworldthat
hewasinlovewithAsh,Iknewyourcontractwithhimhadtobedead.DidIknowitfor
sure?No,whichiswhyIaskedyouwhenIcamein.Still,sinceitonlymadesensethatit
was,IcalledHarperbeforeIcamehereandtoldherthatitwouldbesaferforyouifthe
papsbelievedyouweren’tgoinganywheretoday.Itoldheritwouldbesaferforall
involvedifwemetthisevening.Sheagreedandmadethenecessarycalls,andeveryone
saiditwastherightchoiceforyouandJackson.ItoldherI’dcallyoumyselfandtellyou
aboutthechanges.So,hereIam—tellingyouthatyourmeetingisnowateight—justas
I’mabouttomakelovetoyou.”
Heeasedmedownontomybed.
“Beingseparatedfromeachotherisnowofficiallyover,”hesaidashepositionedhis
bodyabovemine.“AndnowthatIknowyou’llreceiveyourfullpaymentfromJackson,
wecanbetogetheragain.Butjustsoyou’reclearonthis,Sienna,Iwouldhavewaitedfor
you.Thatwasn’tbullshitonmypart.”
Hearingtheconvictioninhisvoice,Iknewitwasn’t,andso,asIlayonmyback
lookingupathim,Ifeltthrilled,elated,happy,andinloveasIstrokedmyfingersthrough
hisimpossiblythickhair.
“Makelovetome,Austin,”Isaid.“I’vewaitedtoolongforthismoment.Ineedto
haveyouinsidemeagain.”
Heglanceddownatme.
“AsmuchasI’dliketotearoffyourclothesrightnow,it’sprobablybestifIdidn’t,
becauseyou’regoingtoneedthatsuittobeasfreshasitisnowbeforeweleavehere.So,
howaboutifyougetundressedformewhileIwatch?”
“Willyoudothesameforme?”
“Ifyouwant.”
“Oh,Iwant,”Isaid.WhenIwasoffthebedandstandingbeforehim,Islowlybeganto
removemysuit,finallydrapingitoveranearbychair.
“Christ,you’rebeautiful,”hesaidwhenIwasnaked.
“Evenlikethis?”Iasked.“Evenwiththesunlightpouringthroughthewindows?”
“Icanseeallofyounow,”hesaid,“inwaysIhadn’tbeenabletoseebefore.I’mthe
luckiestfuckingmanonearth.”
Istoodinfrontofhim.“Yourturn,”Isaid.“Takeoffyoursuit,Austin.”
“Iwasthinkingthatmaybeyou’dhelpmeoutofit.”
“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
“It’sexactlywhatIwant.”
“Then,standup,”Isaid.
Wordlessly,hestoodinfrontofme.Isteppedsoclosetohimthatonlyawhisperoflust
separatedus.Butforme,itmightaswellhavebeenascream,becauseIwassohotfor
himrightnow,that’sexactlywhatmybodyfelt.
DespitehowtallIwas,Austinliterallytoweredoverme.Iwassounnervedthatwe
weregoingtomakeloveagainafterbeingapartforsolongthatstrangelyitfeltasifthis
weregoingtobeourfirsttimetogether.
AsIremovedhisjacketandthenstartedtotugathisblacktie,myhandsbeganto
trembleinanticipation.WhenIfocusedmyattentiononhisshirt,Istartedathisthroatand
undideachbutton,hismassivechest—concealedonceagainbyawhiteT-shirt—slowly
revealingitselftome.
“Whyareyougoingsoslowly?”heaskedinthatdeepvoiceofhis.
“Idon’tknow,”IsaidasIworkedmywaydowntowardhisbulgingcrotch.“Maybe
becausesomethingsshouldn’tberushed?I’mburningallofthisintomymemory,
becauseatthismoment,finallyfreetobewiththemanwhoownsmyheart,Iwantto
rememberallofit—rightdowntomytakingoffyourunderwear.”Iarchedaneyebrowat
him.“Providedyouarewearingunderwear…”
“Ikindofwentbacktothat.”
WhenIleaneddowntopulloffhispantsandsawhistentedbriefs,Iwasonmyknees,
lustingatwhatwasstrainingagainstthethinfabric.Withaquick,strategicpullofhis
briefs,Irearedbackashisweightycocksprangfreeinfrontofme.
Beforehecoulddoanything,Itookhimintomymouth,rollingmytonguealongthe
greatexpanseofhisthickshaft,andthistimeheallowedmetotakeallofhimdownmy
throat.AndwhenIdid,IheardhimsuckinasurprisedrushofairasIcuppedhisballsin
myhandandbegantomassagethem.
Buthedidn’tgivemelongtodoso.
BeforeIcouldfinishhavingmywaywithhim,Austin—everthealphamalewho
clearlywantedtorunthisshowtomeetmyneeds—withdrewhimselffrommymouthand
askedmetostand.
Turnedonbytheneedinhisvoice,Istoodbeforehim.Weweresoclosetooneanother
thatthetipsofmynipplesbrushedagainsthisbarechest—whichnearlymademecome
undoneasajoltofelectricitytookholdofmeattheverymomentheclaimedmymouth
withhisown.
“I’minlovewithyou,”hesaidroughlywhenourlipspartedandwestoodface-to-face.
“Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutus—andfrankly,Idon’tcare.WhatmattersisthatwhatI
feelisreal.It’sright.AndIknowinmysoulthatthisiswhereIwanttobefortherestof
mylife.Withyou.Withmemakinglovetoyou.Withyoubymysideforever.YouandI
aregoingtobeinlovefortherestofourlives.Icanfeelit,”hesaid.“Canyou?”
“Ican,”Isaid.AndIcould.
Swiftly,hescoopedmeintohismusculararms,laidmedownontomybed,andthen
skillfullyhoveredjustaboveme,ourbodiesnottouchingsaveforourlipsashekissedme
withapassionthatunderscoredjusthowdeeplyinlovehewaswithme,which
overwhelmedme.
Outoftheblue—andinwaysI’dneverseencomingthismorning—thiswasreally
happeningtome.DespiteallthedoubtsI’dhadwhenitcametous,Austinwasherewith
me.Somehowweweretogetheragain,andIwasnothingshortofgratefulthatIwasbeing
allowedtoexperiencethiskindofloveagain.
Asheloweredhisbodyanotch,mynipplesgrazedagainsthisskinagain,andIfelthis
cockloweragainstthetipofmysex.JustasIthoughthewasabouttoenterme,welooked
intoeachothereyesforamomentbeforeheslowlybegantoworkhiswaydownmybody.
Hecoveredmytorsowithkissesbeforehismouthpressedagainstmysex,andhistongue
plungedintoit.
Hethinksheneedstopreparemeforhim,butthistimehedoesn ’t. I ’m alreadyopen
andreadyforhim …
Still,Igavemyselfovertohim.
Histonguelicked,tasted,andflutteredagainstmyfoldsbeforehemovedtomyclitand
swipedthestubbleonhischinoverit,whichnearlydidmein.Hekissedmethere,and
thenIfelthisfingersreachuptotweakmynipplesjustashistonguemoveddeeperinside
meinwaysthatweresosexythatIgaspedaswavesofecstasyovercameme.Onlywhen
hewascertainIwasopenandwetenoughtoacceptallofhimdidheenterme.
Andwhenhedid—whenIfeltsofullandtightwithhiminsideme—Ilookedupinto
thesafetyofhiseyes,andmybodynaturallyrelaxedashebegantomoveinslow,
rhythmicstrokesthatbecamemoreintenseatmynodtohimthatthiswasgood,thiswas
perfect.WhenIwasreadyformore,Iencouragedhimwiththrustsofmyown.
“Whatdoyouneedfrommerightnow?”heaskedme.
“Iwanttocome.”
WithafiercenessthatI’dneverbeforefelt,Austindippedhisheadtomyrightnipple,
bitdownhardonit,andthenshovedhimselfcompletelyinsideme,whichsentmeoutof
mybodyandstraightintotheetherasIcriedoutinpleasure.Iplacedmyhandsagainsthis
sweaty,muscularchestasmybodyshookwithmyclimax,whichcascadedthroughmy
bodyinwildripples.
ButAustindidn’tstopthere.Instead,heintensifiedthemoment,drivinginandoutof
me,fuckingme,kissingme,smoothinghistightbodyovermineuntilIcameagain.
Itwastoomuch.Thiswasfarbeyondwhatwe’dexperiencedthefirsttimewe’dmade
love.Thiswassomethingdifferent.Thiswaschargedwithunrest,lust—andthe
understandingthatwe’dfalleninlove.
Asherammedintome,Ithoughtaboutwhatsexwouldbelikewithhimgoingforward.
Wasthisjustaprimerofwhatwastocome?Washegivingmeameresamplingofwhatto
expectfromhim?
Convinceditwasthelatter,Ifeltinmysoulthatthismanwasonlybeginningtoreveal
howwellhecouldclaimmybody.AndIrespondedtoallofitaswemovedaboutthebed.
Atonepoint,Ifoundmyselfstraddlinghim,ridinghimashelayonhisbackwithhis
handsbehindhisheadandwatchingmewithencouragingeyes.Later,whenheflippedme
ontobysideandcameupbehindme,hethrusttirelesslyintomeashekissedthenapeof
myneckandgentlycaressedmybreasts.AndthenitoccurredtomethatAustinhimself
hadyettocome.Howwasthatevenpossible?Washesupernatural?Orwashejustthat
good?
Ididn’tknow.AndIseriouslydidn’tcare,becausewhenheturnedmeontomyback,I
couldseeonhisfacejusthowmuchhewasenjoyinghimself.
Ireachedoutmyhandandplaceditagainsthisrightpec,andwhenIpinchedhisown
nipple,intensewavesofpleasureappearedonhisface,andhiseyesbecamehoodedashe
droveintome.Iwantedhimtocome,soIbuckedhardagainsthimjustasmyownorgasm
startedtobuildagain.Together,welookedintooneanother’seyesjustasreleasestartedto
overcomeeachofus.Andasitdid,ourbodiesshudderedaswecriedoutinwaysthat
underscoredourloveforoneanother.Itwasreal.Itwasundeniable.
Andwhenitwasover—whenheswunghisarmsaroundme,turnedmeontomyside,
andheldmeclosetohimashecameupbehindmeandtoldmeagainthathelovedme…
IthankedGodthatwewerehere.
EPILOGUE
SanMigueldeAllende,Mexico
Twomonthslater
AfternearlytwomonthsinSanMigueldeAllende—agorgeous,majesticcityinthe
mountainsofMexico—AustinandIspentafinalnightoutonthetownbeforeourreturn
toNewYork.
OurfirststopwastherooftopbarofthefamedRosewoodhotel,whereweenjoyed
cocktails,tapas,andthecolorfulmixoflanguagesthatsurroundedus,whiletakingin
dramatic,sweepingviewsofthesunsetandthecitywe’dcometoloveduringourseven-
weekstay.Whenitwastimefordinner,wetooktheelevatortothefirstfloor,which
housedthehotel’sfive-starrestaurant,1826.
There,inalarge,warmlylitroomthatcouldhaveservedasaromanticmovieset,we
satatatablefortwo,wherewesharedabottleofchampagne,anamusebouchetinged
withfrothyflavorsofthesea,afirstcourseoftunatartare,andahostofothermouth-
wateringdelights,allofwhichmadeforafittingendtoourtimeinSanMiguel.
Afterdinner,wewalkedhand-in-handfromthehotelintothebusy,cobblestoned
streets,whichteemedwithpeopleasthiscity—muchlikeManhattan—wasonethatnever
slept.
Whenwereachedthecity’scentralJardín,westoppedandsharedabittersweetfinal
lookatLaParroquia—thetoweringparishchurchthatdominatedtheJardínwithmassive
pinkspiresthatstretchedhighintothesky.
“Wouldyouliketotakeacabhome?”Austinasked.“Orwouldyouratherwalk?”
Thatwasnosmallquestion,sinceSanMiguelwaslocatedinadeepvalleysurrounded
byhillsandmountains.Thewalkhomewassosteep,itwasridiculous.
“Ifyou’reupforit,let’swalk,”Isaid.“Iwanttosavoreverylastmomentofour
remainingtimehere.”
“Idon’twanttogobacktoNewYork,”hesaidaswelefttheJardínandbeganthe
uphillwalkhome.
“NeitherdoI.Thisplaceisahiddenjewel,andexperiencingitwithyouhasbeenone
ofthehighlightsofmylife.”
WhenIsaidthattohim,hewrappedhisarmaroundmywaistandpulledmeclose.“I
loveyou,Sienna.”
“Iloveyou,Austin.”
“Youknowwhat?”hesaid.
“What’sthat?”
“We’reprettylucky.”
“Weare,”Iagreed.“Insomanyways.ButI’mcurious.Whichwaysareyoureferring
tonow?”
“I’mnotsurewheretobegin.”
“Anywhereisfine.”
“ThenI’llstartwithhowwellJackson,Harper,andMimitookthenewsthatwe’d
falleninlovewitheachother.”
“Icanseethemnow,”Isaid.“Sixeyesturningintothesizeofsaucersastheylooked
atusindisbelief.”
“Oncetheshockworeoff,theyseemedgenuinelyhappyforus—especiallysincenone
ofthemeverhadaclueaboutourfeelingsforeachother.Thefactthatwewereableto
keepourfeelingsfromthemprovedthatwe’ddoneourbesttohonoryourcontractwith
Jackson.Ithinktheyrespectedthat.”
“Harpertoldmeherselfthatshedid.ShesaidthatIwasabetteractressthanIhadany
reasontobe.”
“Jackson’sbeengoodtous,”hesaid.
“Jackson’sthebest.”
“I’mgoingtomissspendingtimeathishomehere.”
“Icouldn’tagreemore.AfterthePeoplestoryhit,Jackson’stheonewhotoldustoget
outoftheStatesandlethimdealwiththefalloutofhiscomingoutonhisown.Itwas
beyondkindofhimtosendushere.”
“Andhewasrighttodoso,becausesincewearrived,noonehasbotheredyou.”
“That’sbecausepeopledon’tknowmehere.”
“Whateverthereason,spendingnearlytwomonthsinhishousewithyouhasbeen
somethingI’llneverforget,Sienna.I’veenjoyedlivingwithyou.Wakingupwithyou.
Spendingeachdaywithyou.Cookingforyou.Goingshoppingwithyouatthemercado.
Andespeciallyhavingcompleteandtotalaccesstoyouinthebedroom.”
“Ithinkthat’sbeenmyfavoritepart,”Isaid.
“Justsoyouknow,I’mmakinglovetoyoutonight.”
“Youdon’tsay,Mr.Black?
“Idosay.AndyouhavenoideawhatI’mgoingtodotoyou.”
“Whatelsecanyoudotomethatyoualreadyhaven’tdonetome?”
“Plenty,”hesaid.“You’llsee.”
***
Thenextmorning,IwoketofindanoteonAustin’spillow.Afterwipingmyeyes,I
pickeditupandreadit.
Iwasgoingtomakebreakfastforus,butwe ’re outofeggs.I ’m goingdownto
themercadotograbafewthings.
I ’ll bebackinaflash.
—A.
Isatupinbedandwonderedwhenhe’dleft.Icouldn’tbesure,butwhenIgotoutof
bedtousethebathroomandcaughtsightofmyreflectioninthemirror,IknewthatI
neededtoshowerbeforehegotagoodlookatthefrightwigmyhairhadbecome.Last
night,he’dtornmeup—andrightnow?Withlipstickandmascarasmearedacrossmy
face?Ineededtogointofullrepairmode.
Fiveminuteslater,IwasintheshowerwhenIheardAustincallouttomethathewas
home.
Crisisaverted,IthoughtasIscrubbedmyface.
“I’mintheshower,”Isaid.“Givemetenminutes,OK?”
“Noproblem—I’mgoingtomakeomelets.Howhungryareyou?”
“Afterwhatyoudidtomelastnight?Famished!”
“I’vegotyourback,babe.”
You’vealwayshadit,Ithoughtwithadeepsenseofloveandgratitude.ThankGodfor
you,Austin.
WhenIgotoutoftheshower,Iputonawhiteterryclothbathrobe,ranacombthrough
mydamphair,andbrushedmyteethbeforeIappliedonetypeofmoisturizertomyface,
andanothertypetomybody.WhenIwasfinished,Ilookedatmyselfinthemirror—and
smiledinrelief.
Frommonstertohuman.Congrats!
WhenIjoinedAustininthekitchen,IrealizedthatImusthavesleptthroughhisown
shower,becauseitwasclearthathe’dalreadyhadone.Hewasfreshlyshaven,hisdark
hairwaspartedonthesideandslickedthroughwithgel,hewaswearingapairofblack
Nikerunningpantsthathuggedhisassinalltherightways,andheworeablack,V-
neckedT-shirtthatlookedsosexyonhim,Iwantedtosaytohellwithbreakfastandjust
haulhimbackintobedwithme.
“Lookatyou,”IsaidasIwalkedoverandkissedhimonthelips.“Sohandsome.”
“Handsome?”hesaid.
“Andhot.”
Hereachedformyhands.“Whenaguylikemehasthegoodfortuneofbeingwitha
womanlikeyou,hetakesnoneofitforgranted.”
IblushedwhenhesaidthatandthenIglancedoveratthecountertop,wheretherewere
eggs,cheese,onions,andallsortsofcolorfulpeppers.
“Iloveyouromelets,”Isaid.
“WhichiswhyI’mmakingthemforyou.Today,weleaveonthehighestofnotes.”
“Doyouneedhelpwiththeprep?”
“Ilovetocookwithyouatmyside,”hesaid.“HowaboutifItaketheonions,andyou
dicethepeppers?”
“Doneanddone.”Ishothimamischievouslook.“Handmethebigblade,bigboy.”
“I’massumingyoumeanthebutcherknife?”
“Youcantakethathoweveryouwanttotakeit.”
HelaughedwhenIsaidthat,andthenhandedmetheknifeIwanted.
“Youneedtogetsomefoodinyou,”hesaid.“Wecantalkabouttheotherbladelaterif
youwant.”
“Oh,IthinkI’llprobablywanttodothat,”Isaid.“It’sonlyeighto’clock.Andwe
don’tleavehereuntilthree…”
“Thenlet’sbeefficient,”hesaid.“Startchopping.”
Isalutedhim.
“Yes,sir.”
***
Afteradeliciousbreakfast,AustinaskedifI’dliketocheckouttheviewfromthethird-
storyterrace.
“Iwanttoseeitonelasttime,”hesaid.
“Samehere,”Isaid.“Let’sgo.”
Whenhereachedformyhand,ourfingersintertwinedaswestartedforthestaircase
thatledtothethird-storyterrace.Witheachstepwetook,hisgriptightenedagainstmine
inashowoflovethatwassopalpable,Icouldn’tbelieveforthelifeofmethatIwasIwas
hereagain—thatIwasinloveagain—butIwas.Andthistimelovefeltdifferent.Years
ago,whenIfellinlovewithEric,lovehadfeltsweet.ButlovewithAustin?Thislove
feltchargedandalive,asdeepasitwasprofound.Itwastherealthing—alastingthing.I
startedthinking aboutwhatourfuturetogetherwouldlooklikewhenwereturnedhome
justaswesteppedoutontotheterrace.
Andwhenwedid,itwasn’ttheviewsofthecitythatcapturedmyattention.Instead,
everywhereIlookedwerevasesfilledwithredroses.
“Oh,myGod,”Isaid.“Whathaveyoudone?”
“It’sourlastdayhere,”hesaid.“Iwantedtomakeitspecial.”
“Well,you’vecertainlyaccomplishedthat,”IsaidasIadmiredtheflowers.“They’re
stunning.Howdidyouevermanagetogetallofthisuphere?DidyoudothiswhileI
wasintheshower?”
“Idid,”hesaid.“IcanbeveryproductivewhenIneedtobe.”Hetookholdofmy
hand.“Ineedtotalktoyou,”hesaid.
“Allright…”
“Lastnight,afteryoufellasleep,Ithoughtaboutalotofthings.Ithoughtabout
leavinghere.Ithoughtaboutnotlivingwithyou.Ithoughtabouthowhardthatwouldbe
forme,andalsohopefullyforyou.WhatI’mgoingtoaskyouissomethingI’venever
askedanotherwoman.”
Mybreathcaughtwhenhesaidthat,andIjustblinkedathim.Washeabouttopropose
tome?Asmymindstartedtorace,hestartedtospeak.
“Sienna,IknowthatwhenwereturntoManhattan,youwanttofindanewapartment
foryourself,butIhaveanotheridea.”
“Whatidea?”
“Whatifyouweretolivewithme?”heasked.“You’veseenmyapartment—it’shuge.
There’splentyofroomforeachofus.Andtogether,wecanchangewhateverthingsyou
don’tlikesowecanmakethatapartmentourhome,becausethatmatterstome.Iwant
ourhometobeareflectionofus.So,whatdoyousay?Inowknowwhatit’sliketolive
withyou,andbecauseofthat,Idon’twanttolivewithoutyou.Idon’twantthistoend.
Willyoulivewithme?”
Myheartslowedabitwhenhesaidthat,becausethiswasn’taboutamarriageproposal
—itwasaboutuslivingtogether.ThatIcouldhandle.Still,beforeIansweredhim,I
neededtobesurethatIwantedthesame.So,Igentlyeasedawayfromhimandmovedto
thebalconythatoverlookedthecity.AsIlookedoutatallofthecolorsthatdefinedSan
Miguel,IrealizedthatafterlivingwithAustinthesepastsevenweeks,wakingupwithout
himnexttomewouldbehell.Itwouldn’tfeelright.We’dgrowntooclose.
Thenlivewithhim…
Iturnedtolookathimasabreezecaughtholdofmyhairandlifteditoffmyshoulders,
asifitweremeanttotakeaweightoffme.
“Ofcourse,I’lllivewithyou,”Isaid.
“Youwill?”
“Iloveyou,Austin.Ialsodon’twantthistoend.”
“I’mgladtohearthat,”hesaid.“BecauseneitherdoI.”
Andwiththat,hestoodbeforemeanddroppedtooneknee.Shocked,Ijustlookedat
him,knowingwhatwascomingnextbutnotquitebelievingit.
“Sienna,”hesaid.“Ihaveanotherquestionforyou…”
Chokedwithemotionandwithmyeyesbrimmingbrightwithtears,Itriedmybestto
steadymyselfashetookholdofmylefthand.
Thiscan’tbehappeningtome,Ithought.Itcan’t!
Butitwas,andIfeltmybodyliterallytremblinginthefaceofit.Ilookeddownat
him,andsawinhiseyesnotonlyhisloveforme,butalsohisneedtohavemecompletely
tohimself.
“Yes?”Isaidtohim.
Heletgoofmyhand,reachedintohispantspocket,andremovedasmallblackvelvet
box,whichheheldouttomebeforeheopenedit.Andwhenhedid?Ipressedmyfree
handtomymouth,becauseinsidewasamassivediamondsolitaireengagementringthat
glintedagainstthesun,andsetfiretomyeyesasthismomentclaimedeachofus.
“Marryme,”hesaid.“Givemethechancetomakeyouthehappiestwomaninthe
world.Iwanttobuildalifewithyou.Iwanttogrowoldwithyou.Iwanttohave
childrenwithyou.AndIwanttoexperiencealifetimeofhappinesswithyou.Willyou
marryme?”heasked.“Willyoubemywife?”
AsIlookedathimkneelinginfrontofmewithhisheartonhissleeve,Iknewthathe
andIwererighttogether.Thatweweremeanttobewithoneanother.So,whydenyit?
Whythrowupwallswherethereshouldbenowalls?WhatIknewinthatmomentisthat
allIeverwantedwasAustin.Alwaysandforever.
Iextendedmylefthandtohim,andwhenIdid,Ismiledathim.
“Putaringonit,Austin,”Isaid.“I’dbehonoredtobeyourwife.You’rethebestthing
that’severhappenedtome.Iwanttospendtherestofmylifewithyou.”
WhenAustinslippedtheringontomyringfinger,Iadmireditforamoment,Ifeltthe
weightofwhatthatringmeantforusasacouple,andthenhesuddenlyliftedmeoffmy
feetandkissedmehardonthelipsbeforehecarriedmedowntoourbedroomandmade
lovetomeagain.Andwhenhedid?
Heleftnopartofmeuntouchedorunloved.
Andthefollowingyear?WhenIwontheAcademyAwardforBestActressformyrole
inLion?AshappyasIwasatthatmoment,IwashappierstillthatAustinBlack—aman
who,inreflection,InowrealizedI’dfallenhardforduringthatlongagoeveningwhen
he’dhelpedmeintomyshoes—hadcomeintomylifeforareason.Withhimforeverand
alwaysatmyside,Iknewinmyheartthattogetherwecouldbearthefullforceoflife’s
bluntwinds,itsglorioussurprises,itsmanydisappointments,andalsoitsridiculoushighs.
Soulmatesdidexist—andAustinwasforevermine.
###
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FAKINGIT
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Document Outline
- FAKING IT
- FAKING IT
- CHAPTER ONE
- CHAPTER TWO
- CHAPTER THREE
- CHAPTER FOUR
- CHAPTER FIVE
- CHAPTER SIX
- CHAPTER SEVEN
- CHAPTER EIGHT
- CHAPTER NINE
- CHAPTER TEN
- CHAPTER ELEVEN
- CHAPTER TWELVE
- CHAPTER THIRTEEN
- CHAPTER FOURTEEN
- CHAPTER FIFTEEN
- CHAPTER SIXTEEN
- CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
- CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
- CHAPTER NINETEEN
- CHAPTER TWENTY
- CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
- CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
- CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
- CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
- CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
- EPILOGUE
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