Love,Hate,andOtherLiesWeTold

byDeirdreRiordanHall

Love,Hate,andOtherLiesWeTold

Copyright©2017DeirdreRiordanHall
AllRightsReserved

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Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,businesses,places,events,andincidentsareeithertheproductsoftheauthor’simaginationor
usedinafictitiousmanner.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,oractualeventsispurelycoincidental.

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DedicatedtomydearfriendCheyannewho'sbecomeabestieandhasbeenatremendoussourceof

support,inspiration,motivation,andhasmademesmilealittlemoreoftenwhileonthiswildjourney.

“Thethingaboutloveisthatwecomealiveinbodiesnotourown.”

–ColumMcCann

Peoplesayfollowyourheart.TheyputthesloganonT-shirts,addittosun-washedimagestoinspirethe

pursuitofdreamsanddesires.It'stherequisiteconclusioninspeechesintendedtomoveandmotivate.It's

thetaglineofcountlesssocialmediaposts.ForalongtimeItookittobeacatchphrase,abuzzword,

overusedandmeaningless.ItwassoobviousandoverlysimplethatIdisregardedit.Butafterfightinga

war,wagingabattlewithin,andtravelingunfamiliarterraintheworldover,IrealizedIwasmissing

something.Orrather,someone.Evenifsheneverspeakstomeagain,myheartwillforeverandalways

leadmebacktoherforitisinourlovethatIknowI'malive.

–C.K.Flynn

Chapter1

PuppyLove

Ileaninclosertotheglowinglaptopscreen,blockingoutthewhiroftheespressomachine,the

laughteratthetablenexttome,andtheever-presentknotofuncertaintythat'sbeengettingbiggerand
tighterlately.Iscrolldown,readthedetailssnapshot,andclick.Thisonehasagentlesmile.Athletic.
Looksaffectionate.Acompanion.Girl'sbestfriend.

"Whatareyoudoing?"afamiliarvoiceasksasafragrantcascadeofhairfallsovermyshoulder.

Istartle,spillingteaintothesaucer,andquicklyclosemylaptop.

Apairoflong,slimlegsboundinbrightpinkyogapantsstepintoview.Katya'ssculptedeyebrow

anglestowarddisapproval."Lookingatfurbabiesagain?"

Myteatasteslikeguilt.

"Itusedtobethatyouonlygotpuppyfeveronceamonth.Icouldsetaclockbyit."

"Shh,"Ihiss,hopingshelowersherboomingvoice."Noteveryoneneedstoknowaboutmycycles."

Sheplantsherhandsonthetableandleansoverme."Iuseyourboutsofpuppyfevertotrackmyown

period—italwayscomesaweekafterI'dcatchyouwiththatdesperate,starry-eyedlookasyougazed
wistfullyintothemiddledistance,onlytorealizeyouwerejustbrowsingadoptabledogs.Butthecurrent
timing—"Shetapsherchin,calculating.

Iswallowanothersipoftepidtea.Ijustwanttocuddlesomethingsoft,sweet,andnotinclinedtolove

meandthenleaveme.

"Doesn’titmakeyousad?"sheasks.

"Ofcourse.Therearesomanyanimalsinneedofgoodhomes."

"No,Imeanthatyou'resingle."

Iexhale."Kat,soareyou.Andyoujustprefercatstodogs."

"They'reindependent,selective,and,"shesmoothsherhanddownthearmofherfuzzyjacket,"soft."

"Soaredogs."

"Theyshed,"shecounters.

"Sodocats."I'mstillpickinghercat'sfuroffmyjacket.

"Theylick."

"Ithoughtweweretalkingaboutmen,"Isay,flustered.

"Wewere."Shewinks.

Irollmyeyes.WithKatya,italwayscomesbacktosexandyoucan'treallyblameher.She'stall,

gorgeous,withamixtureofIndian,Greek,Kenyan,andRussianbloodinherveins,lendinghersilkydark
hair,sun-kissedskin—unlikemytubesockpallor—,andpossessesakindofworldlinessthatIdonot
regardlessofthestampsinmypassport.Moreover,asayogateacher,she'sfitandcanprobablypretzel
herwayintoallkindsofpositions—sheprobablydoes.

"Areyoucheckingmeout?"sheaskswithasudden,slygrin.

"I'madmiringyou."

Shetracesheroutline."Thegenescannotbehelped."

"You'rewearingleggings,"Iparry,justtoirritateher.

"Haha.Navy,comeon.Don'tbelikethat.You'rebeautiful."

"Ifbybeautifulyoumeanshort,curvy,ajawlinethatresemblesafour-sidedgeometricshape,and

withhairthatcan'tdecidewhatitwantstodoonthedaily…Thensure,callmecute."

"Ithoughtwediscussedwe'renolongergoingtobuyintosocietalbeautyconventions."

I'mnotafraidtocallmyselfafeminist,butI'mfeelinglowandit'snotbecauseit'sthattimeofthe

month.Hormonescan'ttakealltheblameforbadmoods."You'renotconventionallybeautiful.Just
beautiful,"Isputter.

"It'swinter,everyone'shairgetsfrizzy.Yoursquarefaceshapemeansyouhavestrongwillpower."

Shemakesafist,strengtheningherstatement.

"…AndthatIoverthinkthings,don'tliketotakeunnecessaryrisks,andprefertobealone.Ireadthe

samearticle."Irubasmudgeonmyteacup,recallingthemagazineonhercoffeetable.

"Youshouldn'tspendsomuchtimealone.Cometomyclasslater.Bytheendyou'llbeallblissedout

andthere'sthisguywho'sbeencoming…"Shefansherself."Ithinkhe'stakingmyyogaclassforthe
sceneryratherthantheamazingbenefitsofasana.NotthatImindbecause,"shelowershervoice,"the
viewfrommymatisjustasah-mazing."

Iopenmymouth,butsheputsupherhand.

"Stop.Idon'twanttolistentoyouwhiningandcomplaining;nosolopityparties.Navy,you'repretty

andthesooneryouseethatthehappieryou'llbe."

IknowI'mnothideous,butit'sbeenalong,longtimesinceI'vebeenremindedotherwise.Idon't

knowhowtodate.I'm,like,tenyearsoutofpractice.Therewereafewcasualhookups,oftenatKat's
insistencebackduringourcollegedays,andoneawkwarddatewhenIstartedatmyoldjob.Let'snottalk
aboutthelasttimeIhadsex.Idon'tcarewhatpeoplesay,myvibratordoesn'tcount.Idon'tquite
experiencethesamehitofintimacywithaplasticdeviceasIdowith,well—Ionlytrulywenttothebig
show,asI'vecometocallit,once.

Isigh."AllIneedtodoisthinkI'mpretty?That'sthesolution?"

Shetiltsherheadandnarrowshereyes."YouknowwhatImean.Youcouldsmilemore.Thelasttime

Isawthatdimplewas…Hmm,it'sbeenyears."

Fouryears,ninemonths,andsevenweeksago.Iwasbackhome,caughtoffguardwhenheshowedup

atourparents'club'sannualclambake.Itwon'thappenagain—theruninorthesmile—,atleastnotany
timesoon.

DeepdownIdothinkI'mpretty,butwhenKatandIaretogether,Ican'thelpbutcomparemyaverage

looksandho-humlifetohercharmedone.I'mnottall,butI'mnotshort.I'mnotblondandnotbrunette
either.SomesayI'msmart,butcertainlynotagenius.I'vebeentoldI'mprettyIguess,butnotbeautiful.
I'malittlebitquirkyandonmostdays,I'mconfidentthatI'mnotcrazy.Inotherwords,I'maverage,not
awesome.Ordinary,notextraordinary.Andthere'snothingwrongwiththat.NoteveryonecanbeKatya
Kalonje.

I'mNavyCarringtonandinsideme,there'salittlelight,aministarburningwithin.Ijusthaven't

figuredouthowtoletitshineandthesedaysIfeelnothingifnotdim.

Katsomehowmanageseffortless,naturaleaseandbeauty,travelsregularly,andwhileshehasaPhD,

shefollowedherblisstoteachyoga.

Asformechasingthosebigdreams?First,IneedtoknowwhattheyareandthenI’llseeaboutthe

chasing—thoughrunning'snotreallymything,soitmightbemoreofaspeed-walkingpace.

Nonetheless,ifKatseesgorgeouswhenshelooksinthemirror,I'mabouttobeseeingalotmoreof

thatwhenwemoveintogethertomorrow.

Isighagain,propmychinonmyhand,and,tiltthescreenofmylaptopopen."I'mgoingtokeep

lookingatpuppies."

"Theleasingagentsaidnopets."

"Whataboutthecat?"Iask.

"Mew?He'spartofthefamily."

"Ishegoingtogetuskickedout?"

AslysmiletwitchesonKatya'slips."Ofcoursenot.Themeetingwiththeleasingagentwent

exceptionallywell."Sheholdsuptwokeysandpassesonetome."Theapartmentisfabulousandsowas
he."

Ileanforward,knockingmykneesintothebistrotable.IsteadymyteasoIdon'tspillmoreandtakea

sipofthenowcoldliquid."Whatdidyoudowithhim?"

Sheclawstheairwithherlong,manicurednailsandmeows."Everythingyouwouldn't."

"Katya!"IsaylouderthanImeanto.

AnolderwomanwearingherNewYorkwinterwhitesglancesatusasshepasses.Aguytwotables

toourleftpeersoverhislaptopcuriously.Ifhe'shopingtowriteAmerica'snextgreatnovel,he'slikelyto
hearsomethingscandalousoutofKat'smouthinthree,two,one...

"Tall,dark,handsome.Icouldn'tresist."Sheshrugsasifit'snobigdeal."Butwaituntilyouseethe

guydownthehall.HewastakingouthistrashwhenIwenttogetthekey.Hecantakemytrashout
anytime."

HaveImentionedKat'sgorgeousandasexgoddess?Irollmyeyesanyway."Ihavenoideawhatthat

euphemismmeans."

Fromthecafécounter,abaristawithaman-buncallshername.Iwatchherstrutthroughthecrowded

caféasifshe'sonarunway.Theexhaustedmomswiththeirbabiesslungaroundtheirchestsmakeway,
thelawyers,bankers,andhigh-poweredCEOs,CFOs,andA-holes,clearapath.I'vealreadyhaditwith
meninManhattan,andI'veneverevendatedanyofthem.Theself-importance,theexpectation,theneedto
impressandthentossyoutothecurbwithyesterday'sgarbage—I'moverit.

Katya,withhernumerousonenightstands,makestherules,callstheshots,andhasfunwhiledoingit.

Thebusboypracticallythrowshimselfintoacouplesoshedoesn'thavetoseehisbinofdirtydishes.

Ishakemyhead.Thegrass,redcarpet,orwhateveritisthatshewalksonmustindeedbegreener.I'm

resignedtoneversettingfootonit.

Katyaleansoverthecounter,nodoubtflirtingwithMan-bun.Iimagineshe'llhavesomethingtosay

abouthimwhippingthecreamonherlattelater.

Iresumemysearchforacompanionthatwon'tscrewmeover.Orscrewmeperiod.

"Youhavethatlookinyoureyes,"Katsayswhenshereturns.

"Whichone?"Iaskdubiously.

"TheIdespisebipedmalesone."

AmongKatya'smanyfabulousattributes,she'salsouncommonlyintelligentandclever.Inhertwenty-

eightyearsshe'scompletedherPhD,soldawellnessapp—bankingamillionorso—,andhastraveled
theworldasafitnessmodel.

Meanwhile,I'dstruggledtokeepmyjobasacopywriteratanadagencyuntilafewmonthsagowhen

everythingblewup.Thenewguy—whomayhaveenticedmyformerbossbyemployingsomeofthe
methodsKatmentioned—,waskepton.Theyhadtocutthefat,whichmeantlettingmego.

I'dbeenthereforthreeyears,dayandnight,bendingoverbackwards,(well,notactually,becauseI'd

neverdothat,butstill).WhatwasIleftwith?Fiveextrapoundsfromthelonghoursandeatingawaymy
sorrowswithleftoveroffice-partybirthdaycakes,aboxfullofjunkincludingahalfdeadplant,anda
lukewarmrecommendationaboutmyefficiency,detail-orientedmulti-taskingskills,andapropensityto
spendlonghoursintheoffice.

Inthisentirecity,theonlypositionIwasabletogetwaslittlemorethananinternship,essentially

servingasthecoffeerunnerandcopymakeratapublicityfirm.Yay.Igettobleedinkforsomejerkwho
thinksshe'sthenextNoraRoberts.

Kat'sphonechimesandshebusiesherself,probablyreplyingtoahotdatelater.

Wonderingaboutthecommentaboutdespisingmales?Justthelying,cheatingones.

Ihaveatheory.

Mensuck.

No,notthatkindofsuck.

Mind.Gutter.Out.Now.Thisisn'tthatkindofstory.

That'snotmytheory.Bearwithme.Idon'thatemen,notintheslightest.Thisisn'tthatkindofstory

either.

Thethingis,Ijustdon'ttrustthem.

Whenitcomestolove,menhaveatendencytosuckthefireoutofwomen:dreams,hopes,desires,

passion,littlebylittle,deceptionafterlieafterlossuntilwe'reasmolderingpileofash.Dramatic,I
know.Butthat'showI'vefeltfornearlyadecade,sincehighschool!Highschool.Aftermyheartwas
broken,Icouldn'tlookatmenthesamewayagain.I'veallbutlockedthatpulsing,yearningthinginmy
chestupandthrownawaythekey.

Butlove,yes,thisisthatkindofstory,loveiscomfort.Loveisunderstanding.Loveisforgiveness.

Loveishome.Andwhenyoulovesomeone,nomatterwhathappensbetweenyou,lovecanbecome
somethingelse,somethingmore.

Ireadaboutloveinnovelsalldayeverrrydayandnight,causingtremendousbookhangoversand

zombieeyesthenextdaywhenItrytofocusatwork.ThoughI'veonlyjuststartedatAlbright,Bouche,
andCarlotta,apublicityfirm,soitremainstobeseenwhethertheywelcomezombiesintheworkplace.
However,theydidsaythey'reanequalopportunityemployer.

Butbacktolove.Let'sdiscussMr.DarcyandhowhemeltedhisfrostyexteriorforMissBennet.How

NoahCalhounfromtheNotebookmakesmeswoon.SeverusSnape,always.GilbertBlytheandhis
unwaveringpatienceandadorationforAnneShirley.Yes,please.JamieFrasierfromOutlander,hello!
AragorninLordoftheRings,uhhuh,I'mgoingthere.Don'tevengetmestartedonmodernmenin
romancenovels:Fielding,Ward,Hoover,Thorne,Blakely,Clayton,Giffin—thoseladieshavelovedialed
in.

Let'stalkaboutgentlemenandtrueloveandemotionalmedicine.Honor,loyalty,andhonesty.These

aren'tpaperplayboys;they'llwalktotheendsoftheearthfortheirloves—sometimesliterally—,they
wagewarsandwinbattles.They'rebeastsonthestreetsandsweetbetweenthesheets.They'reintelligent
andthoughtful,considerateandtender.Theymayhaveafewflaws(EdwardCullenwatchingBellawhile
sheslept?Onlyslightlycreepy),butthey'reeasilyoverlookedbecausealloftheirotherqualities
outweighthesetinydetails.

Thesearemybookboyfriends.Doesthatmakemeabookslut?Sorry/notsorry.

Here'smytheory:ifwe'relucky,we'llfindoneofthefewreallifemenwhogivesuspartof

themselves;maybeit'sakiss,alook,aloveletter,alittlesomethingthatbecomesathumbnailsized
emberleavingusburningforthemuntilitgetssobright,ifwedon'tdosomethingaboutit,we'll
supernova.Swoon.Blackhole.Whoosh.Gone.They'reoursoulmates,trueloves.They'resupportive,
loving,smelldelicious,cookdinner,puttheirlaundryinthebasketinsteadofnexttoit,reliablyremember
birthdaysandanniversaries,andwillholdustightwhenweneedtendernessandwillscrewussillywhen
we'refeelingfrisky.

SomedayIwillfindareallifebookboyfriend,pulledfromthepagesoffiction.Loveworksin

contrasts,inparadox.There'ssomeoneforallofuswhowon'tbreakourhearts,butthetroubleisfinding
himamongthebillionsofpeopleontheplanet.

First,Ihavetostartlooking,whichwillrequiremassiveamountsofducttape,tequila,andpossiblya

newidentity.No!Thisisn'tthatkindofstoryeither.

Theducttapeisformybrokenheart.Thetequilaisliquidcourage,andtheidentity,well,let'sjustsay

thingshaven'texactlygonetoplaninthelastfewyears.Icouldgoonandonandon.I'llstopnow
otherwisewe'llbehereuntilValentine'sDay.

Katsetsdownheremptycup."Wait?!"sheexclaims.Hereyeswiden."Whatifthesupermoonlast

monththrewourcyclesoff?"

Ishakemyhead,drawinglittleonthetablewithmyfingerusingtheremainingteainmycup.

"Thenwhat'sgotyoudown?Isitwork?"

"It'snotwork.It'snotPMS."Ishrug."It'sjustjadedcynicism."Jealousy.Misery.Loneliness.Idon't

know.

"Navy,Ihaveanidea!Whydon'tyouvolunteeratananimalshelter?It'sjustaftertheNewYear.You

didn'tmakearesolution."

Iconsiderthis.Iadoredogs,puppies,seniors,mixes,mutts...

WhenIdon'trespondrightaway,buzzedonespresso,sheblurts,"Ihaveanevenbetteridea!Thenext

holidayisValentine'sDay.YourNewYear'sresolutioncouldbetogetlaidbyFebruaryfourteenth."

Thecafégoessilent.Aspoonclatters.Mypulsequickensandmycheeksblister.

Shedoesn'tevenflinch."Butmakesureyouusecontraception."

Iclearmythroat.

Theactivityinthecoffeeshopresumes,butmycheeksdon'treturntotheirusualpaleshade.

"Ohcomeon.Sexisn'tthatbad,"shesays.Thankfully,sheloweredhervoice."Infact,it'sthegreatest

thinginallofcreation.Wait.Navy,you'renotavirginareyou?"

"Kat,"Isaywithfrustration."Doyouneedmetoremindyouthatwemetincollege?Wewere

roommates.Youwalkedinonmeandwhateverhisnamewas.Theguyyouhookedmeupwithsophomore
year.Hewasinourstatisticsseminar.Ringanybells?"

"Itwasalongtimeago,"shereflectsasthoughrecallingthehighlightsofherownexploits.

"It'snotaboutthesex,"Iwhisper.

"It'salwaysaboutthesex."

Theguyclickingawayonhiskeyboardwearsaluridgrin,alltooeagertobeoverhearingthis

particularconversation.

"Don'tyouhaveayogaclasstogoteach?"

Sheclicksthebuttononherphone,readingthetime."Yes.Walkwithme."

I'mmorethanhappytoleavethecoffeeshopandthepryingearsandeyesofthepeoplelisteningin.

ShewavescoylytotheMan-bun-baristaasweexit.He'snotbadlookingwithhisstrongbrowand

darkstubble.He'strimandmovesefficientlymakingcoffees—afavorableattribute.Thenhewinks.My
stomachdoesalittlebump.Ohwait,I'mwithKat.Duh.Ormaybehegotcoffeegroundsinhiseye.

"Hewinkedatyou,"IsaytoKatyaasthecoldwindwhipsalongthecementandstone-linedavenue.

"No,hewinkedatyou."

"Uh,doubtful."

Sheshrugs."Ifyouseeyourselfthewayyoutrulyare,thenthepotentialformiraclesisboundless."

"Don'tdropyouryogawoo-woowordsonme,lady."

Shethrowsmeherfiercestbitchbrow.Fromundermywoolhat,Iattempttoreplicatethesteepangle,

butIcan'tseemtocontroltheouteredgeofmyeyebrow.I'dliketothrowsomeshadeattheachethat's
followedmeforyears—atleastwhenevertheconceptofamaleandameentersmythoughts,whichis
fromsixtoelevenmostdays,Fridaynights,Sundaymornings,andwell,almostalways.

WepassoneofmyfavoritebookstoresandinsteadoflookingatmyreflectionintheglasslikeKatya,

Ilookbeyond—atthestoriesandthepagesfilledwithromancesthatreliablyendwithahappilyever
after.

"He'skindofhot,"Katyasays.

"Who?What?"Iask,pulledfrommythoughts.

"Theguyinthere."Shebrazenlypoints,notcaringifhesees.

"Oh,uh,yeah,"Isayvaguely.Ithasn'tescapedmynoticethattheguywhoIbuymybooksfromis

attractive.OrthatheflirtswithmeeverytimeIgoin.Well,atleastIthinkthesmalltalkhemakesis
flirting.I'vebeenoutofpracticeforsolongasimplehelloorinquiryaboutmysleepinghabitsfrommy
doctorisliabletobemisinterpreted.

He'scutebutsoistheMan-bun-barista,theguyinthepufferjacketwhojustsmirkedatKatyaaswe

passed,andaccordingtoher,thefellawholivesdownthehallfromusinournewplace.Oh,anddon'tlet
meforgetaboutthegymratshe'ssoeagertoseeathernextclass.Therearehot,availablemenallover
thiscity,butthere'sadifferencebetweenbeingnicetolookatandbeinganiceperson.Iknowthis
intimately.

Yet,itmightbethealready-longwinterorthecoldspellthathasbeenthelastseveralyearssinceI

turnedawayfrommenandtowardbooks,butlatelyI'vebeenfeelingalittletwingedeepinsidethat
compelsmetotakeasecondglanceandwonder…

Maybeit'saresultoflonelinessorhormonesortheeffectsofsomethingasmysteriousasglobal

warming,butmyicyinnercoreisthawing,Icanfeelit:dripbydripbydrop.AndI'lldoanything,
includingreducingmycarbonfootprint,plantingtrees,conservingwater,whatever,nottofacetheshame
andguiltI'vebeencarryingwithmeforyears.

However,Idon'ttellKat.Notthetruthandnottheerosionofmyself-imposedsinglehood.Noway.

She'dhavesuitorslineduparoundtheblock.Shelovestoplaymatchmakereventhoughshe'sperpetually
single,butofcourse,that'sbydesign.

"So,tomorrowisthebigday,"shesays,bringingmebackintoconversation.

"Saturday,yay."Myfalsecheernipsthewinterairwithsarcasm."Adayofffromtheslogofmynew

job."

"See,that'stheproblem.Youdon'thaveanyfun."

Thecoldmakesmyeyeswater,andIblinkawayhercomment.

"IthoughtmyproblemwasthatIneedtogetlaid."

"Thattoo,butyouhavetoadmitthatyou'rekindofmiserable."

Itightenthescarfaroundmyneck."I’mjustatwenty-somethingtryingtoavoidthisquarterlifecrisis

that'sbeendoggingmeforyearsandmakeitinthebigapple,"Ireplysardonically.

"No,you'repretty,intelligent,andareallygreatfriend."

"Ha."

"Navy."Katya'svoiceisthekindofsharpthatcomesbeforeaddingmymiddleandlastnamestoher

scolding."Eliminatethejadedcynicism.Theninetiesareover."

"Ithoughtyousaidtheninetiesweremakingarevival."

"Infashionhousesandthatwastwoyearsago."

"Wheredoesthetimego?"

"Exactly."

Thesleekgraysignforthegymwheresheteacheshereveningyogaclasscomesintoview.

"Meetmeforjuiceafterward."

I'malreadyafewstepspastherwithmyhandliftedtowavegoodbye."Shouldn'tthatbecocktails?"I

ask,edgingaway.

"Wehydratefirst."Unwillingtogiveup,shelinksherarminmine."Comeon.It'llbefun.Youneedto

havemorefun.Andlook,thereheis."Shegesturesthroughtheglassdoorataverifiablehunkofaman
withstrongbicepsandthekindoffulllipsthatIhavenodoubtwillsoonbealloverKat.

"Ihavetofinishpacking."

Sheletsoutan,"Mmm,"probablythinkingaboutgym-guy'slips.Thenshesnapsherheadfromsideto

side."Soundsboring,butfine.I'llseeyoubrightandearly,readytomoveintoournewplace."

Webothbounceonourtoeshalfbecauseourteethchatterandhalfbecausewe'regenuinelyexcited.In

thismoment,despitethechill,Kat'spreternaturalbeauty,charm,andconfidence—highlightingwhatIlack
—,IrememberI'mreallyluckythatourfriendshiphasenduredalltheseyears.Adelicatesmileblooms
onmylips,warmingme.

"Ohh,almostthere,"Katyasays,returningthegrin."Justalittlemore."Shewidensherownsmileand

pokesmycheekwheremydimplehides.

Justasshe'sabouttogointothebrightglowofthegymtoteachyogatotheman-hunk,someonecalls

mynameoverthedinoftrafficandchatter,sneezing,andcoughingofpassersbywellintowinterflu
season.

"Navy,Navy,"repeatsalow,familiarvoiceIallbutthoughtI'dlockedawayinthepast.

Idon'tturn.Idon'tmove.Ifreeze.Yes,it'scoldout,butsoismyheart.

Katyastares."Whoa."

"Navy,"hecallsagain.

Shenudgesme.

Islowlyturnandthenhisstrong,capablearmswrapmeinahug.

Chapter2

SexyBeast

IbreatheCarrick'sminty,soapy,rainbowscentlongenoughtorememberwhyIneedtowrigglefree

fromhisembraceandwipethesmileoffmyface.

Hislips,theonesIimaginedmyselfkissingbeforeI'deverswappedspitwithanyone,partslightly.

HeseemstallerthanIremember,broader—evenmoresureofhimselfifthat'spossible—,andeverybit
ashandsomeashewasinallofmyteenagedreams—andafewsincethen.Hewearsadarkblueknithat
overhisdarkblondhairandashadowofmatchingstubblefillsinhisjawline.

Istiffenasaflurryofmemoriesrushatmelikethewindwhippingdownthecorridorofbuildings.

Hegazesatmeexpectantly.WhenIdon'trespondhestuffshishandsinhispockets,looksquicklyat

theground,andthenbackatme.

Itdoesn'tescapemynoticethatKatyasurveyshim,cat-like.Thoughnotinherusualirresistible-guys

can'thelpthemselves-sexyfelineway.Shesniffstheairasthoughshesensessomethingamiss.

BeforeIcanthinkabouthowtoexplainorexplorethewayIfeelrightnow,Iclutchmybagandsay,"I

havetogo."

BeforeCarrickcansayanotherwordorKatyacanconvincemetobeanormalhumanbeing,Irush

off,lettingthethrongofcommuters,rushingtogethometotheirwarmapartments,sweepmeintotheir
midst.

Heshoutsmynameafewmoretimes,butthenit'sasthoughthecitygoesquiet.AllIhearisthe

rushingofbloodinmyearsasItrytostemthetearsthatresultedfromadifferentkindofsilence.

Ipassthebookstore,eagerforafix.ThebooksellerKatyaandIspottedearlierisn'tbehindthe

counter—theremusthavebeenashiftchange.Ihurriedlybrowsethenewreleasesandthenlandonthe
finalbookinaseriesIenjoyedaboutthreesisterswhoreuniteattheirfamily'sbeachhomeafterleading
threeverydifferentlovelives.

Iquicklypayandthenreturntomyapartment,whichbynon-Manhattanrealestatestandardswouldbe

calledacloset.Katyacanactuallytouchonewallwithherfingertips,stretchintoanelegantyogapose,
andreachtheotherwallwiththetipsofhertoes.

Whenshesaidshewasmovingfromheroldapartmenttohernewoneandhadanextraroom,I

thoughtshemeantshewasgoingtouseitforhomeofficespaceorayogapracticeroom.Shesurprisedme
byaskingifIwantedtomovein.Shecanaffordtherentonherown.Yes,evenManhattanprices.Ididn't
wanthertotakepityonme,especiallysinceatthetime,Iwasbetweenjobs,butIwouldhavebeen
insanetosayno.

ThenewbedroomisthesamesizeastheoneIhadinmyparents'colonialoutsideBoston,whichisto

saythere'sroomforabed,dresser,adesk,andafewbookshelves.Bonus,there'salsoacloset.Notto

mentiontheapartmentboastsakitchen,abathroom,andalivingroom.Mycurrentplaceisjealous.

KatyaregularlytakesandteachesyogaretreatssoAuntieNavywilleasilybeabletotakecareof

Mew,Kat'scat.WheneverIvisit,hepurrsloudlywhichmakesmethinkhelikesmebetter;probablythe
onlymaleinthecitywhofeelsthatway—we'rebuddies.

Isurveytheboxesstackednexttothedoor.WhenIleftmycollegedormandtookthisapartment,I

instantlywenttoIkeaforinspiration—howtomakeefficientuseofthree-hundredsquarefeetofprime
Manhattanproperty.Itwasexciting!Iwasonmyown!Independent!Andwhat'shappenedsince?

Irackedupasignificantamountofcreditcarddebt.

Ifailedatbeingagirlboss.

Ihadanervousbreakdown.

Icurledintoaballandcried.

Ileftadreamjobatasmallpublisher,forasoul-suckingpositiontopaydownmybills,andallIhave

toshowforitisahugecollectionofbooks,aheartthathasneverquitehealed,andavoidinmylifeI
don'tknowhowtofillexceptwiththeaforementionedbooks.Mountains,heaps,shelves,andstacksof
them.

Thisspace,thatwasoncemyprideandrefuge,hasbecomeclaustrophobic.Itdoesn'thelpthatsome

geniusdecidedtodividethepre-existingapartmentsinthebuildingintosmallerunitssomeyearsago,
withoutseparatingtheclimatecontrol,leavingmesweltering.Butthat'snottheonlyreason.Thefacethat
hashauntedmewiththesmugpouty-lippedsmile,thecunningsummer-blueeyes,andhisfuckingvoice—
theonethatwasn'tmanenoughtospeakupwhenheshouldhave,simmersmyblood.

Ithrowopenthewindow—itstickshalfwayupbecausedecadesworthofpaintformcream,yellow,

andbeigelayersofstrata.NotthedramaticflairIwasgoingfor.Nonetheless,Iletthecoldwinterair
chillmycheeks.Idrawanicybreathandleanout.

"CarrickKennely,ifyoucanhearme,gobacktowhereveryoucamefrom!"

ThewindowrattleswhenIslamitdown."That'smorelikeit,"Isay,satisfied.

WhenImovedinfrommycollegedorm,Ihadlittleinthewayofworldlybelongings.Iwassupposed

totakeatermabroadsenioryear,butthatfellthrough.Myparingdowninpreparationmadeiteasyto
moveacrosstown.ThistimeIhaven'tconsideredhowI'mgoingtogeteverythingbackacrosstownand
upafewblockstothenewapartment.Idon'tthinkataxidriverwilltakekindlytomeschleppingload
afterload,stuffinghistrunkfullofbooks,andstrappingmymattresstotheroof.Nevermindtheexpense
ifhekeepsthemeterrunning.

Iflopontomybedandmyheadslapsintoaboundrectangularshapeaboutsix-by-eightasthough

scoldingmefornotthinkingthisthroughsooner.

Bookscovernearlysurface.They'reeverywhere,includinginthestovewhenIopenittodouble

checkthatI'mnotleavinganythingbehind.I'mlikealiteraryCarrieBradshaw.Katyahasthewardrobeof
theactualCarrieBradshawandthensome.

AllIhavelefttopackaremybathroomitems,butfirst,I'llread,escapeintoahappyworldof

romancetotakeawaythestingofthislonelyFridaynight,Katya'sunintentionalremindersthatshe's
everythingI'mnot,andunexpectedlyseeingCarrick.

IrereadthepassageHelovedherdespiteherflawsanddoubts.Helovedthelineswhiskeringher

eyes.Helovedthecurlofhertoes.Helovedherjauntylaughter,herdryskin,hersmile.Heloved
everythingabouther.Insideandout.ThenthelinesblurwhenIgettoYet,thatwasnotenough.Irace
throughthenextfewchapters,desperatetoknowhowitturnsout,butthenmyphonebeepswithatext.

It'smymother.AftercountlessvoicemailsIfailedtoreturn,shefinallyrealizedI'llreplyifshetexts.

I'mbetterwiththewrittenwordthanthespoken.Areyoudonepacking?

No.Notevenclose.

Haveyoufiguredouthowyou'regoingtogeteverythingtoKatya's?Mymothersupremely

approvesofourcohabitating,likelyhopingsomeofKatya'sconfidence,grace,andaccomplishmentswill
ruboffonme.InherassumptionthatthenewapartmentisKatya'splace,ratherthanours,andinthelines
oftextedquestionsthataresuretocontinue,Ireadintoherdisappointment.

Nope.ThenIdeleteit.IconsideraliesuchasIwasoutonadateandjustgotin.He'sgoingtohelp

memovetomorrow.Butaftereverythingthathappened,Iabidebyastrictcodeofhonesty.Maybewith
everyoneexceptmyself.Itype,I'llgetitsortedout.Nottoworry.

Butshedoesworry.That'sherthing.Thelittledotsonmyphonescreenindicatingshe'swritingfill

mewithguiltandshame.

Myphonebeepswithhermessage.Ithinkthismovewillbewonderfulforyou.Bestofluck,dear.

Pleasecallifyouneedanything.

Ihaven'tneededanythingsincemyheartwasbrokenandIlefthomeforcollege.Idon'tneedanything

oranyone.Imayhaveafewfailsundermybelt,afewtoomanytubsoficecreamtoo,butI'mstillhere,
stillstanding.Orlyingdown,actually.

Igettomyfeetandslidethelastseveralyearsofmylifeintolabeledboxes.Myclothesfillacouple

ofsuitcasesandmybooksfitneatlyintoreusablebags,crates,boxes,andbins.

Ifallasleepreadingabouthowtheloveinterestinmybookwonthethirdsisterbackbybeingso

purelyhonestinhisaffections,words,anddeedsshefoundherselfdeeply,madlyinlove.Ofcourse,they
livedhappilyeverafter.

*

Iwakeabruptlytoawrappingonmyfrontdoor—thesingulardoorasidefromthepocketdoortothe

bathroom.Iscrambleoutfromundertheheavycomforter,wipesweatfrommybrow—theheatiscranked.
OddthatIdidn'tthrowoffthecoversinthenight.Theromanticnotionthattheywerelikealover's
embracesweepsintomythoughtsasIfaceplantonthefloor,myfoottwistedinthesheets.Allthewhile,
theknockingcontinues.

"Coming,"Icall.Ionlyhavetotakeafewstridestoreachthedoor.Ipeerthroughthepeepholeata

stoutmanwearingahatthatsaysMorty'sMovers.

"Morning,MissCarrington,"hesays,glancingatapieceofpaper."KatyaKalonjesentmehereto

collectyourthings."

"Oh.Oh!"Irepeat."Ifyoudon'tmindgivingmeaminute."

Hetapshiswatch."Listen,I'mdoingherafavorandI'mdoubleparked.Icanliterallyonlygiveyoua

minute."

Iexhaleandthentossmybeddingintoablacktrashbag,myremainingtoiletriesintoashoppingbag,

andthenpullonmyboots,jacket,andgathertheotherrandomitemsscatteredaroundthesmallspace,
stuffingthemintoyetanotherbag.

Anothermoverappearswiththegreeting,"Wehavetohurryup.Can'tgetanotherticket."

Ishufflepastthem,hasteningdownthestairswithboxes,notatallgratefulfortherudeawakening,but

extremelythankfulthatIdon'thavetofigureouthowtogetmystufftothenewplace.

WhentheguysfromMorty'sclosethedoorsonthebackofthemovingtruck,Ido,however,haveto

figureouthowtogetmyselftotheapartment.Inmypajamaswiththepolkadotsonthebottoms.Icatchmy
reflectioninacarwindow.Bad,terribly,hideousbedhead.Icallafterthetruck,butwithapuffofexhaust
thatmakesmecough,itpullsintotraffic,acceleratingsotheydon'tlosetheyellowlight.

I'mgladIhadthepresenceofmindtoremembermypurseandlaptop.Ihurrypastacoffeecart,not

countingonanyonelovingmeforthefinelinesaroundmyeyes,mycrazyhair,orgeneraldishevelment,
muchunlikethesweetcoupleinthebookIdevouredlastnight.

Ihurrytothesubwayandlikethemovingtruck,thetrainpullsawaywithoutme.Iwaitonthe

platform,smoothdownmyhair,checkmybreath,cringe,andpulloutmyphone.

ItextKatyaTheeagleisonitsway.

It'snotuntilthenexttrainarrivesandI'msardinedinside,inhalingmegamorningbreath—minehas

nothingontheguyreadingTheTimes—thatshereplies.

Whateagle?It'stooearlyinthemorningtospeakinmetaphororisitsimile?

CodeIreply.Iwasusingcode.Thankyouforsendingyourmovingguysformystuff.

You'rewelcome.Ididn'twanttoseeyoutryingtogetyourmattressacrosstown.Howwasyour

lastnightinyourapartment?I'dtellyouminewasfilledwithfondreminiscing,butIonlyjust
arrivedandit'salreadyempty.;-)

Doyoumeanyouspentthenightelsewhere?Iask,knowingexactlywhatI'minfor.Katlovesto

recountherconquests.

Shedoesn'tanswerandtheslinkingfearthatImisreadhereyeingCarrickpushesmethroughthe

suctioningsubwaydoors,upthesteps,andbackontothestreet.

KatyastandsundertheawningofournewbuildingandbrightenswhenIapproach.

"Goodmorning,sunshine."

Ilevelherwithmygaze.

"Cloudywithachanceoflasereyes?"Anyoneelsewouldhavelookedawaywiththewarning.

Instead,asfearlessasever,shesays,"Whyareyoustillinyourpajamas?"

"Themoverswokemefrommyslumber."

"Ah,sleepingbeauty.Ihardlyslept."Shefansherself."Oh,butbeforeItellyouallaboutthat…Who.

Was.That.Sexy.Beast?"

"Whatsexybeast?"

"Theonewhohuggedyouonthestreetlastnight?Practicallymaulingyouwithhismassivehoney

guns,"shesays,flexingherarm."Theonethatgaveyouthatlook."

"TheIhateyousomuchlook?"

Sheelbowchecksme."No,theIwanttolickyoulook.TheIwanttofuckyoulook.TheIloveyou

look."

Myfacesquishesupasifshesplashedmewithcold,icy,slushywastewaterfromthestreetsof

Manhattan."First,that'snotatalltrue.I'mprettysurehehatesme."Ihatemeafterwhatwedid."Second,
youdidn'tsleepwithhim?"Assoonasthewordsareoutofmymouth,Ifeelstupidandevenmore
childishandundersizedstandingnexttotheelegantlytoweringfigureofKatyaKalonje.

Shelaughsasshegoesupthestonestepsofournewbuilding.

"It'sascoldasthedarksideofthemoon,"shesays,one-uppingmylastit'sascoldasjoke."Ithink

yourbrainisfreezing.Let'sgoinside."Thelookshegivesmesuggeststhisisn'tajoke.Whentheheater
overthedooradequatelyblastsusshesays,"Navy,helookedlikeakickedpuppywhenyouranoff,andI
knowyou'dneverkickapuppy."

"CarrickKennelyisneithersexynorapuppy.Butyes,youcouldsaythatheisabeast,"Ihuff.

Chapter3

TheBoyfriendBook

Therealizationthatthisbuilding,withanelevator(!)ismynewhomefloorsme.Thetileand

woodworkisclassicandclean.Thedecorativeplantsaregreenandalive.There'snoboiledcabbage
smellpermeatingtheairorcryingbabyechoingfromthehall.Afreshpinescentandlemon-scented
polishcoversnearlyallofthesurfaces.Icanevenseemyreflectioninthegleamoftheelevatordoor.

"Welcomehome,"Katsays."There'snodoorman,butthereisthis,"shesays,steppinginsidethe

carriageandpressingthesevenbutton.

Whenwereachourfloorshesays,"Whileyoushower,I'mgoingtogetusbreakfast,butfirst,you

havetoseethisplace."

Ifollowherdownacarpetedhall,passingthreeotherapartments,andaroundthecorner.Whileshe

fumbleswithakey,thedoorbehindusopens.Awoman,wearingalittleblackdress—withwalkof
shamewrittenallofoverit—,scuttlestowardtheelevatorandslipsinsidebeforethedoorsclose.

"Thehottiein7G,"Katyasighs.

"Huh?"Iask,assheopensthedoortoournewresidence.

IloseheranswerasIpassthewallofboxestoenormouswindowsspillinggenerousamountsofsoft

winterlightintothelivingroom.

Katyagentlyknocksintomewithhershoulder."Whatdoyouthink?"

Ispininacircle.Mymouthhangsopenatthefull-sizekitchenopentothemainlivingroom,therustic

brickwall,thepolishedwoodfloorswithwideplanks,andthewindows.HaveImentionedthe
windows?LostinaManhattanite'sdreamapartmenthaze,Idriftdownthehall.Thebathroomhostsa
restoredclawfoottub.Attheendofthehallaretwodoorsnearlyoppositeeachother.Katyaopensone
withagrand,sweepinggesture.

MybedrestsinthemiddleandIleapontoit,squealingwithjoy.Ispreadmyarmsandlegswidelike

astarfishandsay,"I'minlove!"

"It'sabouttime.Iknewhewasasexybeast,butgladtoknowhe'sdatingmaterial."

Ibolttosittingandmakeagaggingfacebeforeshakingmyhead."Carrick?No.Never.Katya,I'min

lovewithourapartment.Isthisforreal?"

"Ofcourseitis.It'salmostaduplicateofmylastapartmentexceptIhadaloftandthisonehastwo

rooms."

Thisistrue.

"Iwanttostayforever.I'mnevermoving."AssoonasthewordsareoutofmymouthIrealizethatKat

hasneverstayedinthesameapartmentformorethanayear,ayearandahalftops.Theuncertainty
crashesdownonme.Iwantmyclosetback,poorlycalibratedheatingsystemandall."Kat,what'sgoing
tohappenwhenyou'rereadytomoveagain?"

Sheinhales,sitsdownnexttome,foldsherelbowsontoherlap,andleansforward,bracingherhead

inherhands.She'squietuntilshesays,"Forallmyglitzandglamour,Ididn'tstartpracticingyogafor
nothing.Iknowwhatyou'rethinking.Ithasn'tescapedmynoticeeither."

"Kat,Ican'taffordthisonmyown,"Iwhisper."Whenyouleave—"

"I'mworkingoncommitment,Navy.Promise."

IfIhavetomoveinayear,itmightmeanbacktomyparents'house.Unliketheotherpropertiesin

theirneighborhood,theydon'thaveaguesthouseandsincemymotherplansonconvertingmybedroom
intoasewingroom,I'llbeinthebasement."Ican'tgobacktomyparents'house."

"Idon'tintendtomove."

"You'vesaidthatbefore,everytime.Ishouldhavestayedinmyapartment."Tearsinchtheirwayto

myeyes.Thiswasamistake.Abeautiful,airy,spaciousmistake.

"Haveyoueverheardthesaying,fortunefavorsthebold?"

Inod.

"Ornothingventurednothinggained?"

"Ofcourse."

"Iwantedyoutomoveinwithmebecauseyou'remybestfriendandMew'sfavoriteauntie,butalso

becauseit'stimeforyoutostretch."

"Kat,I'vetriedyouryogaclasses;I'mnotveryflexible."

Shecockstheseverestofeyebrowsinmydirection."Yes,Iknow."

"RememberthetimeIfellontothatladywhenIwastryingtodotreepose?OrwhenIpassedout

duringSavasanaandwassnoring?OrwhenIfarted?!"Isay,humiliatedanewbythememory.

"Yes,andthatniceladyisoneofthepartnersatyouroldagency—shedeservedgettingknockeddown

apeg.Youfellasleepbecauseyouwereworkingsixtyhourweeksandneededtherest,andthetimeyou
farted,well,everyonedoesit.Youlaugheditoffandwhatislifewithoutlevity?"

"Youdon'tfart."

Sheinclinesherhead."Mylifecoachhasingrainedastrictpracticeofchewingmyfoodtoliquidand

avoidingcruciferousvegetablesandbeanssono,Idon'tgenerallyfart,butgivemefullfatdairyandIam
amethanemakingmachine."

Igiggledespitemyself.

Sheleansback,bracingherhandsbehindheronthebedandcrossingherlegselegantly."I'venever

toldyouthisbefore,butwhenIwasatteachertraininginBali,IwaseatingallkindsofmushyfoodsI'd
neverhadbefore."

"You'vedefinitelytoldmeaboutthesalads,coleslaws,andsauces…"

"Yes,Iravedaboutwhatanamazingculinaryexperienceitwas,butthatwasn'tthewholestory.At

first,let'sjustsayIexperiencedsomegastrointestinaldiscomfortduringanimportantspirituallecture
withahighlyesteemedmonk."

Iresistthesmilecrackingacrossmylips."Yourdelicatetootshavenothingonmymegafarts.Sorry,

Kat,butit'strue."

Sheshakesherheadandlaughs."Theearthshook,Navy.TheystartedcallingmeAngi."

"What'swrongwiththat?WeknowanAngiefromthatcreativewritingcoursewetook."

"Youtook.Ihookedupwiththeguyacrosstheaisle.NotAngie,likeAngela,AngiliketheBalinese

Angin,shortforwind.Asinpassinggas,farting,breakingwind..."

"Oh."

"Yep."Shegoeson,"EverynowandthenIgetemailsfrommyclassmatesorsomeonepopsintoone

ofthestudioswhereIteachandthey'realllike,'Angi,how'sitgoing?'"Hercheekstintafaintrose.

"I'veneverknownyoutobeembarrassed."

"Iwasn'tembarrassed.Iownedit.KatyaAngiKalonje.Actually,ifyousaymyinitialswithahigh

enoughpitch,that'swhatitsoundedlike.Kak!Kak!"sheshouts,imitatingherfart.

WebothburstintosnortinglaughterandIonlystoptosay,"YourmiddlenameisAphrodite."

"Kak!Kak!"sherepeats.

Webothfloponmybaremattress.

"So,thisishomenow,"IsaywhenIcatchmybreath.

"Foraslongasyouneedittobe."

"Andyou?"

"WhethermymiddlenameisAphroditeorAgni,I'mcommittedtoourfriendshipandseeingyououtof

thisfunk."

"Funk?"Iask,sittingup."Ishouldshower."

"You'vebeenNavy-bluefortoolong.Youneedloveinyourlife.Andnotthefictionalkind."She

sashaysthroughthedooranddownthehall,calling,"Youtookachanceonthisapartment,sightunseen.
Takeachanceonlove,"shepauses,andIhearafewboxesshuffling,"oratleastsex."

Ihopethatthewallsarethickandtheneighborsdidn'thear.ThoughIdon'timagineshe'dmindifthe

guyin7Goverheard.

"Doyoumeanlikeablinddate?"Iask,followingher.

Frombehindthewallofboxesshesays,"Imeanlikeanykindofinteractionwithsomeoneyoufind

attractiveandhasthepotentialforpassion.Isawyousmilelastnightonthestreet.Thebigdimpledone."

"Carrick?"Ifreeze,wrappingmyarmsaroundmychest.Myheartfeelscolderthantheinsideofthe

darksideofthemoon.

Shenods."Navy,Ijustwanttoseeyou,"shesighs,"Iwanttoseemybestfriendhappy."

"I'm—"

Sheshakesherhead.

"You'renothappy,notevenclose,butyoucouldbe."

She'sright,butIcan'tbringmyselftoagree.

*

Twovanillaspicelattes,apairofbagelswithcreamcheese,phonecallsfrombothofourparents,a

bagofpopcorn,severalbrokennails—boththepaintedkindandthemetalonesthatdonotwanttobe
hammeredintoabrickwall—andletmenotforgetseveralbrokenpiecesofBalinesesculpturelater,
phew!Theboxesareintheirrespectiveroomsorunpackedandbrokendown,leaningagainstthewallin
thehallwaybythedoor.

Mostofmyclothingisinmycloset.Mycloset!Havingaclosetagainissuchanoveltyandhaving

Kat'sclosetincloseproximityisthrilling,eventhoughIswiminhalfofherstuff.Someofmybooksare
ontheshelves,thoughI'mindeepdebatewhethertoarrangethembycolortocreatearainbowlikeI've
seenonPinterestinlieuofthehodgepodgetheywereinmyoldplace.

There'sasemblanceoforder,atleast,whenIcomeacrossaboxIhaven'topenedsinceImovedoutof

myparents'houseandintothedorm.

Ipullupontheflapstofindmyhighschoolyearbook,afewframedphotos,myTrack&Fieldjersey,

mydiploma,tassel,afewkeepsakes,andoldjournalsanddiaries.Idon'tdarelookattheyearbookor
photosandthere'snochanceIwanttoreadmynaïveandoldbroken-heartedmusings.

I'mabouttoclosetheboxandtossitdownthegarbagechutewhenKatenters.

"Iwantittobeknown—youcanwritethisdownifyouwant—Ihateunpacking.No,Itakethatback.I

hatepacking,butIreally,strongly,extremelydislikeunpacking.It'ssuchachore,"sheagonizes,sitting
downnexttomeandthenlookingaroundmyroom."Whoa."

"What?"Iask,temptedtokicktheboxawaysoshedoesn'tglimpsethecontents.

"You'realmostdone."

"Justinhere.I'llhelpinthekitchenandstuff,"Isay.

"I'veonlyemptiedthreeboxes,Navy.Theycontaineddirtylaundry.I'mhopeless."

Iraisemyeyebrowsindisbelief.It'sbeenhoursandthefeeblewintersundipseverlowerbehindthe

buildings.

"I'msoindecisive.Iwanteverythingtobejustright.Ican'tdecideifIshouldhangmysweatersor

foldthem.IfIshouldgetanewcomforter—theoneIhavenowcamouflageswiththefloor.Iwasalso
thinkingmaybeweshouldgetplantsandthenIwaslookingupwhichonesdon'tneedalotofwater

becauseyouknowI'llforgettofeedthem.Oh,andI'mworriedaboutMewandtheheatinggrates.Whatif
hegetsapawstuck?"

"IthoughtIwastheoverthinker."

Shepuffsanexhale.

"Whatdidyoudowithyoursweatersbefore?"

"That'snotthepoint."

"No,it'snot."Iinhaleadeepbreath."Youhavecommitmentissues."

"Yeah,"shesayssadly.

"Takesonetoknowone."

"Thatmaybemyproblem,butIdon'tthinkthat'syours."Shetapsherfootagainsttheboxcontaining

mypast.

Myphonebeepsfromacrosstheroom.Iignoreit.Itbeepsagain.I'mmorethanhappytodelveback

intohercommitmentissuesandnotleaveheralonewiththebox,butshesays,"Areyougoingtocheck
that?"

"Nah."

Itbeepsagain.

"Someonereallyneedstogetaholdofyou,"Katurges,risingtoherfeetandmakingtowardmyphone.

Iscootpasther.

"Sheesh,"shesays,sittingbackdown.

"It'smymom."

"Checkingin?"

"Ofcourse.It'sonlybeenthreehours.SheneedstomakesureIhaven'trunoffandeloped."

Shelaughs."She'dprobablybeokaywiththat."Katiswellversedinmymother'sintensedesireon

marryingmeofftosomeonewealthy.We'rewhatmymothercallsverycomfortable,butmyfatherwho
stillhasn'tretiredfromtheNavy(yes,likemyname)isn'twhatyou'dcallrich.

IgrewupamongtheCapeCodandBostonelite,thoughalwaysontheedges.LikeaD-listcelebrity.

Mymothermadeitherjobtobetheperfectwifeandhostesstokeepupappearances,buttheyneverquite
reachedzenithsheaimedfor.WhileIdon'tintendtomarryformoneyandifthingscontinueastheyhave,
probablywon'tmarryatall,shedoesn'tseethatit'snotuptoamantogivemeabetterlife.Infact,ifI
breakitdown,menarethesourceofmyproblemsandnotthesolution.

IglanceoverandKatholdsaspiralnotebookfromthebox.Sheturnsitoverandreadsthecover,

printedinthefadedbubblelettersofaseventhgrader,"TheBoyfriendBook.Ooh.I'veneverseenthis
before."

Iswipeforit,butsheholdsitoverherheadwithherlongarms.

"Whatdowehavehere?"Sheflipsthroughthepages."WhenwefirstmetIthoughtyouwerea

lesbian,butthenItooknoteofallthebooksyouread.Gayeroticaisplentifulnowadays,soIruledout
homosexuality.Youhookedupwithacoupleofguysincollege,soIknewyouweren'tasexual.Butall
jokingasidewiththeman-hate,I'veneverbeencompletelysureifyoulikedguys,butthisthischanges
things."Shewavesthenotebook.

She'steasing,butIdon'twanthertoreadit.Itrytograbitagain,butshe'stootallandnimble.She

dashesoutofmyroomanddownthehall,sequesteringherselfbehindherbedroomdoor.

Ichaseafterher,calling,"Kat,comeon.Thatthingisstupid.Andold.Iwasinseventhgrade.And

eighth,ninth,tenth..."

She'squietwhenIleanagainstherbedroomdoor,mypalmssweatyoverwhatshe'llreadinthere.

Theories,couplings,ratings,privatemusings.Istumblewhenthedooropens.Thelastgoldenlightofday
spillsontothewoodenslatsonthefloor.

ShepointsatalineinthebookandIknow,withcertainty,thenamehereyeshavelandedon."Waita

minute.NavyCarrington,whataren'tyoutellingme?

Chapter4

PartyAnimals

AnunpleasantknottwistsinmybellyasKatyareadstheentry."IsthistheCarrick?AsintheSexy

Beast?Asintheguywhosweptyouoffyourfeetyesterday?TheguyIjustmet?Well,Ididn'tmeethim
formally,becauseyoudidn'tintroduceme,insteadrunningofflikeascaredrabbit.CorrectmeifI'm
wrong,butCarrickisanunusualname,amImistakenhereorisheamemberofthe—"

Icutoffherlengthylineofinterrogation."Yes.Thesame.CarrickKennely."

"AsinTheKennelysoraKennely?"shefollowsup.

Isigh."The,capitalTKennelys."

"IsuddenlyregretnevertakingyouuponthoseinvitestoyourhouseforThanksgivingandChristmas."

"Thoseweremymother'sinvitations."

"Ouch,"shesays,feigninginsult.

"I'mkidding.Iwouldhavelovedifyoucamehomewithmeandexperiencedthecompleteandutter

dysfunction,butyouhadexcitingandexoticlocalestovisit."

"ButthisdevelopmentisjuicierthantheprivateislandinthePacific,theboatingadventureoff

Antarctica,andthenumeroustoursthroughEurope."

"Thedifferenceisyourmotherisn'tacrazy,bossypants,"ItellKatya,recallingthestunning,yetsweet

womanI'vemetseveraltimesovertheyears.

"Oh,butsheis.Trustme."Katshivers.

"Touché."

Katpausesandthensays,"Tellmeeverything."

Iwaver,reachingfortheincriminatingnotebook.

"Didyouhaveathingforhim?ForCarrick?"

Imakeanon-committalshake/nod/turn/twistoftheheadbecauseIcannotlie.

"Wasthis,like,anarrangedthingbetweentheCarringtonsandtheKennelys?"BeforeIcandothe

weirdbobbleheadshakeagain,shesays,"OrwasitliketheMontaguesandCapulets?Forbiddenlove
becauseofalongstandingfamilyfeud?"

"Nothinglikethat,"Isay,backinghertowardmyroom.

Kattapsherfingeragainstherchin."Highschoolsweethearts?"

"Hardly."

"I'mdyinghere.Whatwasit?"

"Nothing.Iwasfriendswithhissister."

"Andunderpenaltyofbreakingupthefriendshipshecockblockedyou.Er,him?"Katyaguesses,

steppingthroughmydoorway.

"No,therewasnoblockageofanysort."

Cockblock,shemouths,teasingmewithhereyebrow,elevatedtoasuntilnowunforeseenheights.

Imakeaswipeforthenotebookagain,butshegripsittoherchest,rushingtothefarsideofmyroom.

"Youknowthedetailsofeverysingleoneofmyromanticendeavors,ever.Well,almost,"shesays.

Igiveaverydistinctshakeofmyhead.

"Please,prettypleasetellme."Shebouncesexcitedlyonhertoes.

"It'sover.Inthepast."

Iexpecthertocontinuebegging,speculatingabouttheconnectionIhavetoCarrick,butheralmond

eyessoftenaroundtheedgesandshelowershervoice."Navy,I'llagreewithyouthatit'sinthepast,butI
thinkwebothknowthatit'snotoveranddonewith."

Iswallowbackangerandhurtandhumiliationandotherunnamedemotions.

"Sometimestalkinghelps,"sheadds.

Ireclineonthebed,clutchingapillowtomychest.Itakeadeepbreath.Thisisgoingtosuck."Iwas

bestfriendswithClaireKennelysincewewereinKindergarten.Shehadfivebrothers.Twoyounger—
thetwinsKellenandKeagan.Threeolder:Colby,thenConner,andtheoneclosestinagetous,Carrick."

"SoundslikethatfamilyhadathingforC-names."

"AndK.KellenandKeagan.Thedad'snamewasCalvinandtheystartedwithCsothesonswould

havethesameinitialsC.K.andthenthetwinswereasurprisesotheygotKlikeMrs.Kennely,Kathryn.
Likeyou."

"Gotcha."

"Clairewastheonlygirlandwewerelikesisters.YoucanimaginehowthrilledmymotherwasthatI

becamesuchgoodfriendswithaKennely."

"TheKennelys."

"Yes,theKennelys,"Irepeat,tooyoungtohavegraspedthemeaningwhenImetthefamilyandlaterI

wastoofamiliarwiththemandtheirdelightfuldysfunctiontocare."Anyway,aswegotolder,Claire
wouldalwaysteasemeaboutwhichoneofherbrothersIhadacrushon."

"Didyou?"Katyaasks,eatingthisup.

Ilookaway.

"Youdid,"Katyawhispers.

"Yes,abig,fat,stupidcrush,butwewerealsofriends.PracticallybestfriendslikeClaireandme."I

recallearlymorningruns,lazyrainyafternoons,thewaywe'dfindexcusestobetogether,totoucheach
other,totease,tojoke,andtorunoffonsomeimportantmissionsowecouldbealone.

"ButthenwhenClairedied—nevermind."Isniff,turningaway.

Katyagivesmylegasqueeze,stayingthereforafewmorelongminutes,butIdon'tbudge.

Shegetsup,presumablysensingthatI'verunoutofwords."I'llleaveitatnevermindfornow,butI

wantyoutotellmewhathappened,Navy.Ithinkyouneedtoletitout."ThejokingandteasingKatis
gone,replacedbythekind,caringbestfriend.Shesetsthenotebookdown,andIlistentoherpadoutof
theroomasIstruggletokeepthetearsin.

Ilayinmynewbedroom,asnightsettlesinaroundme,mythoughtsheavywithloss,withabroken

heartI'vetriedtotapebacktogetherwithaperfectoutwardappearance—asmile,therightclothes,career
accomplishments,unflagginghonesty,dedication,andaheadstrongwillnottodate.

NowwiththeunexpectedresurrectionofsomeonefromthepastI'dratherforget,I'mnotsurehow

wellthislifeofmineistrulyholdingtogether.Asformyheart,I'velearnedtolivewithitsfractured
pieces.Irolloverandpullahappilyeverafterromancewithwornedgesfrommyshelfandpartthe
pages.

It'stheclassicstoryof:girlfallsinandoutoflove.Guyleaves.Anotheroneappears.Theoriginal

guycomesback,realizinghismistake.Meanwhileitturnsouttheotheronethatappearedwasacheaterso
there'snoreasontolikehim.I'mgettingtothejuicyconfrontationwhenKatyapokesherheadin.

"I'morderingdinner.Whatareyouinthemoodfor?"

Ipushontoanelbow,blinkingmyeyesagainstthestrainofreadingunderadimlightforsolong.The

glowofthedigitsontheclockonmybedsideputuswellpastdinnertime.

"Wecouldgooutifyou'drather,"Kattries."Celebrate,party,haveagoodtime."

Iknowshe'drather.She'sanextrovert,while,whenlefttomyowndevicesI'mtheopposite.

Herstomachgurgles.

"Pizza?"Isay.

Sheshakesherhead."Notinthemood."

"Chinese?"

Shewrinkleshernose."Hadityesterday."

Sheleansagainstthedoorframe.

"Didyounoticeanynewplacesintheneighborhood?"Iask.

"There'sadelionthecorner,butIthinkit'sclosed.We'llhavetogoscoutingsometime."

"Cuban?Thai?Curry?"

Sheshrugs.

"Yourealizewehavethisdilemmaeverytimeweeattogether."

"It'sagoodproblemtohave."

"We'reinNewYorkCity.Everysinglekindoffoodintheworldisavailable.Surelywecanfind

somethingyouwanttoeat."

"Whatdoyouwanttoeat?"sheasks.

"Idon'tknow."

"See!"

"Well,weneeddinneranditisourfirstnighthere…"

Hershoulderscurvein.Hereyessparkleinthelowdomeoflightfromclippedtomybook."I'llbe

rightback."

Ireadseveralmorechapters.

Shereturnswitharapofknucklesonmydoor."WhenIwasakidandwe'dmovetoanewplace,my

momwouldalwaysmakethiscrazymacaroniandcheesethingonourfirstnight.Icalleditcrazy-roni.It
wouldliterallybewhateverwehadaddedtoapotofmacaroniandcheese."

Ibrighten."I'deatthat,butourcupboardsarebare.ExceptIthinkthere'ssomehotsauce,my

emergencystashofchocolatechips,and—"

"Theliquorcabinetisstocked,"Katsaysbrightly.

"Wecannothavealiquiddinner.Rememberwetriedthatsenioryear?IfIrecalltherewasafiascoat

theschoolnewspaperoffice,anunusualannouncementrelatedtoyourdatingeligibilityontheschool
listserv,andahighheelweneverfoundthematefor."

"Ahyes,theCinderellaincident.I'msorryIalmostgotyoufiredfromthepaper."

"Yeahwell—"

"Itwasfun,wasn'tit?"Shenudgesmyshoulder."Allthosepartiesweusedtogoto…"

"Youdraggedmeto."

"Wehadagoodtime."

"Youdid."

"Navy,admitit,youdidtoo.Atleastninety-percentofthetime."

"Seventy-five."

"Well,thosestatsarebetterthanwhateveryouweredoingtheothertwenty-fivepercentofthetime.

Wewerepartyanimals."

"Iwasmorelikeapartysloth."

Shelaughsandsays,"Comeon,I'mstarved.AndIdon'twantanythingtodowithahangryNavybean."

Ilaughthistime,recallingheraffectionatenameforme,andpullonmyboots,grabascarf,andthen

breezepasther.Mystomachrumbles.I'msurprisednottowalkintothewallofboxes.DespitewhatKat
saidabouthavingahardtimeunpacking,thekitchenitemsareorganizedandstowedandthelivingroom
lookslikewe'vebeenhereforseveralweeks,nothours.

"Gladtohaveyouonboard,"shesays,slappingmeontheback."Crazy-roniherewecome."

Wegotothemarketdownthestreetandpickoutafewboxesofmacaroniandcheese.Katlikes

elbowsandIprefershellssowegetboth.Wespendthenexttenminutesdebatingadd-ins.Katinsiststhe
weirdertheyarethebettercrazy-roniturnsout.

"I'mfeelingacomfortfoodvibe,"Isay."Butwhenindoubt,askSiri."

Katsmilesandpullsoutherphone.

"There'snothingwecansaytotrickherintochoosingouringredients."

Shedismissesme."Siri,didyoueatyourvegetableswhenyouwereakid?"

"Everythingexceptpeas,"thesmooth,computerizedvoicereplies.

"Wegotouringredient,"Isay,grabbingacanofpeas."Andasfortheothertwo?"Iask,thinkingifwe

addedbroccoliortuna,we'dhavesomethingresemblingacasserolelikemygrandmotherusedtomake.

KatshakesherheadandasksSiri,"Doyoulikechocolatechipcookies?"

Shereplies,"Doyouloveyourmother?Ofcourse."

Ishakemyhead."Noway,wecan'tputchocolatechipsintothemacaroniandcheese."

"Crazy-roniandthosearetherules.Wehavetousewhatwehaveonhand.I'mjustmakingsureSiri

approves."

"You'rebeingagoof."

"Siri,doyouprefersweetorspicyfoods?"

"Iamonehottamale."

Katgrins."Mmm.Bringonthehotsauce!"

Backatourapartment,ittakesafewminutestolocateapottocookthemacaroniin,butoncethe

noodlesboilandImixinthecheesepacket,Isay,"Howaboutweeatitlikethis?"

Shedumpsthechocolatechipsin,alongwiththepeas,andthenpoursafewglugsofhotsauceonfor

goodmeasure.

"Ican'teven…"

"Oh,youmust,"shesays,scoopingtheconcoctionintoabowl.Beforeshecanforce-feedme,the

buzzerindicatingsomeoneisdownstairssounds.

"Expectinganyone?"Iask,wonderingifshehasahotdateandmadethiswackyconcoctionsoI'd

passoutinaveryconfusedfoodcoma.

Withoutaskingwhoitis,shebuzzesthemin.

"Areyounuts?Youcan'tjustletanyoneinthebuilding."

Sheturnstorevealaslysmile."Notjustanyone."

MystomachtwistsandnotbecauseI'mreluctanttoeatthecrazy-roni.DidsheactuallytalktoCarrick

earlier,tellinghimweweremovingintogether?Asthatthreadofthoughttwistsintoknotsinmystomach,
shesays,"Thisisournewhome.Itonlyseemsfittingthat—"

There'saknockatthedoor."Iinvitedallofourfriendsforanimpromptuhousewarmingparty.And

bonus,it'sapotluck.Comfortfoodrequiredatthedoor!"

"Wait,youinvitedpeopleovertohaveaparty?Tonight?"

"Remember,we'repartyanimals,Navybean!"shesays,pullingopenthedoortogreettheguests.

Chapter5

DoubleDare

"Welcome,welcome,"Isay,takingthecoatsoftheunexpectedarrivalswhosehandsareladenwith

bowls,pots,andboxesoffood.

"It'sacoldnightandthisisahousewarmingparty—eat,drink,andbemerry!"Kathollersbefore

diggingintoourcheesy,chocolatey,pea-filledmixture.Igulpwhenshedousesitwithmorehotsauce.

Itakeasmallforkfulofcrazy-roni,butonlybecauseIdon'twanttoinsultKat,butthenfillmyplate

withregularmacaroniandcheese,mashedpotatoes,asliceofpizza,meatballs—whichIlaterfindoutare
veganandIwasnonethewiser.Iaddsomegarlicbreadtotheheapandtakeaseatontheblanketsspread
outonthefloor,picnicstyle.

Friendsfromcollege,fromvariousjobsinthecity,yogateachersandstudents,andotherfolkswemet

alongtheway,fillthenewapartmentwithlaughterandthedelicioussmellsfromthedishestheybrought.

SuddenfearsendstinglesthroughmyspineatthethoughtofCarrickatthedoor,butthankfully,he

doesn'tshowup.

"We'dmakeyouguyshelpusunpacktherestoftheway,butsinceyoucamebearinggiftsonsuchshort

notice,I'mgoingtogetyoualldrunk,"Katsays.

Laughterandafewhootsofagreementfollow.

Sheboundstoherfeetandgoestothekitchen."I'mtakingorders,"shecallsovertheclinkofice

fallingintotheshaker.

Iexplaintoourcollegefriend,Rylee'sgirlfriend,thatKatfanciesherselfamixologist."Sheloves

comingupwithstrangebrews."

"Iheardthat,"Katcalls.

"Imeantcreativedrinks."

Shortlyafter,shepresentsaphotoworthydrinkinaglass."It'sablackberry,basil,andwhisky

smash,"sheexplains.

"AndIthoughtthecrazy-roniwasweird,"Imutter.

"Tryit,"sheurges."You'llloveit."

AndIdo,somuchthatIhaveanother.MylaughtercomesmoreeasilyasItellAlicia,Tori,andMarc

aboutmynewentry-leveljob.

"ThisiswhatIgetafterfouryearsofcollegeandunwaveringdedicationatmyoldoffice."

Theysuggestalternatives,startingwithworkingatanewspaper,magazine,orsimilarvenue.

"Tried.Failed."

Theydevolveintoridiculousoptionslikecouponcollector,sweepstakeswinner,andphonesex

operator.ThedrinksKatkeepssendingfromthekitchendon'thelp.

"HowaboutdrivingforUber,"Marcsays.

"I'dneedacar."

"Mycousinhadgreatluckbecomingalifecoach,"Lydiaoffers.

"First,I'dneedalife,"Imumble.

"Areyoucrafty?YoucouldmakestuffandsellitonEtsy,"Brigittesays,assheknitsoneofher

fabulouscreations.

"Myhobbiesinvolvewords:reading,writing,thatkindofthing."

"Youcouldsellsomeofyourbooks,"Torisuggests.

Mymouthfallsopen,aghast."Never.Plus,eBayisoverandsmallbookstoresthatusedtobuybooks

arestruggling."

"Shemeanstheonesyouwrote,"Katcorrects.

TheyallknowthatI'vewrittenafewbooks,havingcaughtmeonvariouschaptersovertheyears

whenwe'dmeetupatcoffeeshops,whenthey'dpopbymyapartment,orwhentheymademeconfess
whatIwasdoingathomeonaFridaynight.Writingandreading,ofcourse.

Despitethesipofthebluetintedbeverageinmyhand,mythroatgoesdry.Ishakemyhead.Mylove

storiesdon'thavehappyendings.Noonewouldreadthem,nevermindbuythem.Ipullmyselftogether
andanswersmartly."Thepublishingindustryisincrediblyhardtobreakinto.Plus,it'snotmydreamtobe
anauthor.Ijustlikewriting.Andplus,I'mnotthatgoodatit,"Isay,twistingaloosethreadfromthe
blanketontheflooraroundmyfinger.

ThetruthisI'mstuck.Idon'tknowwhatIwanttodowithmylife—certainlynotpickingupcoffeefor

publicistsandauthorsatmynewfirm.Ilovebeingcreativewithwords,buthatedtheadagency.Ican
comeupwithadecentturnofphrase,butI'mnotoneforthelimelight,spotlight,oranylightforthat
matter.Ifeeldim,directionless,andwouldrathernotthinkaboutitrightnow.

Katbreaksin."Navyprobablydoesn'twanttotalkworkrightnow.Thisisaparty,people."She

raisesherglass,containingasuspiciousscarletdrink,whichIimagineiscranberryjuiceandsomething
stronger.Shesays,"Tomanyyearsofhappycohabitating,friendship,andcrazy-roni."

Weallclinkglassesandtheconversationshiftsawayfrommylackofsatisfying,gainfulemployment.

Ithinkaboutworkallthetime.WhatdoIwanttodo?I'matacrossroadsandamseekingasign.What
shouldIdo?WhatamIgoodat?Whatwouldmakemehappy?Myoldjobcertainlydidn't.Itnearlykilled
me—longhourslastwinterlandedmeinthehospitalwithbronchitis.Thedoctorprescribedantibiotics
andrest.Ionlytookoneofhiscures,significantlydelayingmyrecovery.

Writingdoesn'tfeellikeworktomeandreadingisanabsolutejoy.IfIcouldreadforaliving,I

would.Thatwouldbemydreamjob.Sadly,notevenlibrariansgettodoasmuchofitasthey'dprobably

like.

Myattentionblursontheedgeofbeingdrunkanddelusional.Nope,I'llprobablyjustendupstuckina

cubicleliketherestofushopelesstransplantswhocomeherewithbigdreamsofsuccess.

Pullingmefrommythoughts,Toricalls,"Navy,who'syourfavoriteOTP?"

"HanandLeia,HanandLeia,"Marcchants.

"Whateveryousay,notBellaandEdward."Jennamakesagaggingface.

"Oh,BellaandEdwardforthewin,"Ryleecounters.

Myblankexpressionmustmakeaneasytranslation.

"Wait,myfangirl,theresidentbookandmovienerddoesn'tknowwhatanOTPis?"Katasks.

Confused,Ishakemyhead."OvertheTopPeople?"Itryweakly,givingKatafriendlyside-eye.

"Butyou'reareader,"shesays.

"Shipping?"Toritriesasifthatmightringabell.

Ishrug.

Katputsadrinkinmyhand."It'slikethis,anOTPmeansOneTruePairing.Liketwopeoplewho

absolutelybelongtogether."

"Oh,well,that'seasy.ChuckandBlaire.GossipGirl.Thebooksandshow."Iquoteoneofmy

favoritelines,"Threewords,eightletters,sayitandI'myours."

TheconversationcontinueswithimpassionedargumentsforMulderandScully,CarsonandMrs.

HughesfromDowntonAbbey,andthecharactersfromDirtyDancingwhosenameswecan'tremember.Of
course,weaskSiri.

Wegoaround,askingeachotherwhowe'dshipifwecouldbewithanyonefamous,aliveordead.

"I'ddoanythingtoshipChrisHemsworth,"Marcsays.

"EitherHemsworth,"Toriadds,sighing."They'remastersatdroppingthelook."

"Whatlook?"Iask.

"Thesexybeastlook,"Katcallsfromthekitchen.

"Thesmolder."

"Theonethatmakesyouswoon."LydiamimicsTori'ssigh.

"Theonethatmakesyourpantieswet,"sheadds."TheoneJohnTrottmangavemetwoyearsago.I've

neverlookedback."

"Noonewilleverliveuptoit."

Theygoon,talkingaboutthisphenomenon.

"I'veneverbeengiventhelook,"Isqueak.

"Lies!"Katsays,pouringanotherroundofdrinks."Thesexybeastsogaveyouthelook."

IshakemyheadbecauseIrefusetoputsexyinthesamesentenceasCarrickeventhoughmyheartbeat

alittlefasterwhenshementionedhim.

Severaloftheothersintheroomgatherin,intriguedbytheconversation.Jakesays,"IvoteforRachel

andRoss.BestOTPofalltime."

Inasays,"No,no,LucyandRicky."

"Guys,we'vemovedon.We'retalkingaboutwhoyou'dship."

"Oh,inthatcase,Ginny,"Harrysays,alwaysupforjokingabouthowhesharesanadmittedly

commonnamewithafictionalwizard.However,inhisdefense,he'sBritish,hasdarkhair,greeneyes,
andwearsglasses,soit'snotentirelyastretch.

"I'mhappy,"Ryleesays,givinghergirlfriendasqueeze.

"Aw,youguysareadorable,"Lydiasays."Hmm.WhowouldIship?"Shethinksaminute."There's

thisguyatwork."

"Fictional!"Katsays.

"Okay,thentheRock."

"DuaneJohnson?"Marcasks,surprised.

"He'sabigolehunkofman,"Lydiasayssoftly.

Katsmirks."Ineverexpectedyoutopicksomeoneso,um,burly."

"Yeah,moreliketheshy,studioustype,"Isay."Glasses,acardigan..."

"OrevensomeonelikeourMan-bun-barista,"Katsays.

"Who?"Lydiaasks.

"Thisguyatthecoffeeshopwegoto,"Katexplains."Orthebookstoreguy."

"He'smine,"Isayaroundahiccup.

"Ishe?"Katasks,liftinghereyebrow.

"Yeah,Navy,whyhavewenevermetanyoneyoudate?"

Mycheeksarealreadypinkfromthecopiousamountsofalcohol,butIstillblush.

"Shedoesn'tdate,"Katanswersforme.

"Neitherdoyou."

"Nope,shejustscrews,"Torisays.

Everyonelaughs,knowingKatyaisn'tacommitter.

"I'mnotadater,"Isay,navigatingmywayaroundthewordsandthesecretstheyhold.

"Why?"Don'tyouwanttofallinlove?"InaasksinaccentedEnglish.

"OurNavybeandoesn'tplaythefield.Wehavetogetheroutthereandthenwe'llseesomemagic

happen."Katspeakswithaffectioninhervoice,butItakeanothersipofmydrink,deflectingthe
possibility.

"Sowho'sthisguyatthebookstore?"Toriasks.

"Ithinkshecalleddibs,"Marcsays.

"Wait,wait,arewetryingtohookNavyup?"Leoaskswithsuddeninterest."BecauseIknowthisguy

Ithinkwouldbeperfectforher…"Hislipsquirkandhischeeksturnpink.

"Thiscircleoffriendsisclosed,"Katsays."We'dneverwanttoloseoneofyouifyoubrokeupor

enduretheawkwardnessafterward.Weneedanoutsidepool."

"Sheneedstofindsomeoneherself,"Ryleesays.

"Guys,I'mhere,intheroom.Hello.AndI'mnotinterestedindating."

"Whynot?"Lydiaasksinhersweet,innocentway.

"Because."

"Wasyourheartbroken?"sheasks.

Foramoment,it'sasthoughit'sjustthetwoofusandIwanttoblurt,Yes!Myheartisstillbrokenand

Idon'tknowhowtofixit,butIkeepthewordstuckedaway.Instead,Islursomethinglike,"Iwant
someonewhodoesn'tmindthatIlikemywaffleswithcheese.ThatI’llreaduntilIfallasleep.Andwho
toleratesmewakingupwithcrazybedhead—"

"Yeah,itgetsbad.Irememberfromfreshmanyear."Toriholdsherhandsawayfromherhead

demonstratingmylumpy,puffymorningmessofhair.

"Let'sdosomethingaboutthat,"Katsays.

Ishakemyhead."Don'twanna."

"Tomorrow.Thefirstfiveguys."

"Thefirstfiveguyswhat?"Iask,tryingtoclawmywayfromdrunkennessandtalkheroutofwhatever

planshe'sconcoctedlikesomanyofherstrangedrinks.

"Thefirstfiveguysyousee.Idareyoutodatethem.Youhavetogivethemeachaweek,atleast."

"Idoubledareyou,"Torisays.

Tripleandquadrupledaresechofromaroundtheroom.

"Datefiveguys?"Marcasks."Icanhandletwoatmost."

Katcorrects,"Notallatonce,butweneedtogetheroutthere.Sheneedstomakeitreal."

"Howisthatmakingitreal?"IaskeventhoughIwantdistancefromtheconversation.

"Youspendsomuchtimefantasizingaboutyourlovelife,"Katsays.

"Idonot,"Iargue."Iwantnothingtodowithmynonexistentlovelife."

"Yourchoiceofreadingmaterialwouldbegtodiffer,"Torisays.

"Shehasapoint,"Marcadds,glancingtowardmyroom."Ivotefortherainbowarrangement,bythe

way."

"Yeah,anddatingcanbefun,"Lydiaadds.

"Norisks,"Leosays.

"Nostrings,"Inastates.

"Nobrokenhearts."Katshakestheiceinherglassandtakesthelastsip.

"Just.NO,"Isay.

Chapter6

ResearchandDevelopment

I'musuallysensible.Like,always.Ishouldhavewashedoffmymakeupandgotintobedhoursago.I

shouldbedreamingofmyonetrueloveandwakeup,brighteyedtomorrowmorningwithhimsnoozing
bymyside.

Ishouldn'tbedrunkoffmyfacewithmyroommatetonightofallnights.Ishouldn'tbelisteningtoher

thoughtsonhowIcanimprovemylovelife.Ishouldbesleeping.

ButIlostmyjobacoupleofmonthsagoandthemonthbeforethatmyturtledied.ButMewprobably

wouldhavekilleditwhenKatyaandImovedintogetheranyway.Thetankstank,butintheend,hehada
goodlifeasfarasturtlesgo—oneofthetenantsinthebuildingmovedoutandlefthiminthehall.I
couldn'tjustleavehimthere.Orher.Ineverdidfindoutthegender.HewasjustTurtleandhelikedto
bite.Itwasn'tevenclosetobeingalovehaterelationship.Justthelatter.So,IguessIdidneedfriends
tonight.MaybemorenightsthanIallow.

Everyonefilteredhome,leavingKatandmeinthelivingroomwithaBillyHolidayrecordplaying.A

strandoftwinklelightsglowalongthewindowsill.We'relyingonoppositeendsofthecouch,nursingthe
lastofthebatchofrosemaryandginsparklinglemonadeshemade.

Thereweremultipletripstothemarketoverthecourseofthenight.

"Ishouldgotosleep,"IsayforthefifthtimeeventhoughImakenomotiontodoso.Idon'tobject

whenshepoursthelastinchofsparklinglemonadeinmyglass.

"Younevertoldmewhoyou'dship."

"Youfirst,"Isay.

Katya'suncharacteristicallyquietandthenshesays,"I'veneverbeeninlove."

Ifilethroughalloftheguysshe'sbeenwith,searchingmymemoryforthatglimmer,thatknowing,the

glowing…Nothing."Butyou'vehadcrushes,"Isay.

Ifeelhershrugfromtheotherendofthecouch."Notreally.Idon'tletmyselfgothere."

"Why?"Iaskinasmallvoice,afraidheranswerislikemine.

"I'venevertoldanyonethis."Hervoiceissleepy,butshecontinuesanyway."WhenIwaslittleI

caughtmyfathercheatingonmymom."

Mystomachtwists,andIrushtothebathroom.AfterIheaveintothetoilet,Ivownevertoeatcrazy-

roniagain.Isplashwateronmyfaceandreturntothelivingroom,feelingsurprisinglyfreshandlucid,all
thingsconsidered.

"I'msorryaboutthat,"Isay,sittingdownnexttoKat."Aboutrunningoffandthethingaboutyour

father."

"Inevertoldanyonebecausewhenhespottedmecatchingthemintheact,hegaveasubtleshakeof

hisheadandmouthedNoonewillbelieveyou."

"Andyou'vespenttherestofyourlifeprovingyourself."

AdrylaughescapesKat'slips."Youshouldbeatherapist."

"Lifecoach?"IshakemyheadandwrapmyarmsaroundKat."I'msosorryaboutallthatandhow

you'vekeptitwithyouallthistime."

"Thethingis,mymotherknew.Theystayedmarriedforappearances—theirmoneyandsociallives

wereenmeshed.Hetookhissecrettothegrave."

"Butyousaidyourmomknew."

"Shewastooproudtoadmitit.ButIcouldtell.Whenhe'dgoonbusinesstrips—that'swhenwe'ddo

thingslikemakecrazy-roni—I'dhearhercryingatnight.Shetoldme,'Nevertrustamanwithsomething
aspreciousasyourheart.'"

"Didshesayanythingaboutwomen?"Iask.

"TherewasthatonegirlwhenIwasinBali—"Katstarts."ButIlikemen,justonatemporary,nightly

basis."

"Areyousayingthey'redisposable?"

"Notatall,therearesomeIhookupwithmorethanonce,butit'sbettertokeepmyemotionsoutofit.

Youcouldtrymymethods.Seewhathappens."

Isigh."I'mnotlikeyou."

"No,you'relikeyou,butwhat'sstoppingyou,Navy?"Hereyesareheavyandmyvisionblurs,butthe

variousbeveragessheservedmeactliketruthserum.Andsomeonewhoisasthoughtfulandhonestas
Katyadeservesthetruth.

"RememberIsaidthatthingabouthowmyfriendClaireKennelydied?"Myvoiceislow,keepingto

thesafetyoftheshadowsintheroom.

Shenods.

"Itwashorrible.Caraccidentonpromnight."

"Drunkdriving?"Katasks.Herfacecrumbles.

"Itwasinstant."Goosebumpspebblemyskin.I'venevertalkedtoanyoneotherthanthecounselormy

parentshadmeseeafterward.

"Wewerebestfriendsupuntilaweekbeforeprom."

"Whathappened?"

"Ifoundoutthatmyboyfriend,Zach,wascheatingonme."

"Ouch."

"Icaughthim,actually.Hewasonthefootballteam;Melaniewasoncheerforarivalschool.Itturned

outthey'dbeenhookingupformonthsaftervariouseventsinvolvingbothteams.WewereatapartyandI
walkedintheroomwhereIleftmycoat.Theywerenakedontopofit."

"Yousawthem—"

"Hisnakedasswasintheairand—"Ishakemyhead,butthat'sneverworkedtoerasetheimage."I'll

neverforget."

"Wasitapaleassoratan,muscularone?"

Iwhackherwithapillow.

"Ineedaclearerimage.Washehot?Imean,there'snoexcuse,butIdidn'tknowyouhadahighschool

boyfriendwhocheatedonyousowhenIgototrackhimdown,IneedtoknowwhoseassI'mlookingfor."

Thiswinsherasmileeventhougheverythingaboutthisstorymakesmewanttorage."Berightback."

Igotomyroomandgrabmyyearbook.WhenIreturn,dawnhassnuckin,softeningthelightinthe

roomtolavendergray.

TheyearbookfallsopentoacandidshotofZachandmeasacouple.Myheadrestsonhisshoulder.

I'mgazinglovinglyupathim,andhe'sstaringoffinthedistance,probablyatMelanieorsomeothergirl.

Itapthephoto."I'vestaredatthisforhours,wonderinghowIdidn'tknow.Itseemsimpossible."

"Ofcourseyoudidn'tknow.Usually,cheaterstrytokeepthesethingssecret."

"No.That'sthething.Everyoneknew."

"Whatdoyoumean?"Katasks.

"ZachwasCarrick'sbestfriend.CarrickwasClaire'sbrother.CarrickandIwereclose.Heknew.

He'dmentionedittoClairebeforeheleftforcollege.Shenevertoldme.NoonetoldmeasIwentalong
inmycottoncandy,bubblegumcloudofblissthinkingallwaswellinmylittlewaspyworld.Meanwhile,
they'dbeenhookingupforages.Duh,sohadwe.IwassomadatClairefornevertellingme.Thenbefore
we'devenhadachancetomakeup,Clairediedintheaccident."

Katdoesn'tsayanythingasIfallapart,tearsstreamingdownmyface.Myshouldersshudderandshe

pullsmeintoahug.

WhenIwipemyeyesshesays,"HasanyoneevertoldyouthisZachdudeisafool?"

"No,butI'vecertainlythoughtworsethings."

"Hasanyoneevertoldyouthatyourfriends,deadoralive,sorry,Godresthersoul,wereassholes?"

Mytiredeyeswiden.

"DamnstraightI'mspeakingillofthedead.Ifsomedouchewascheatingonyou,you'dbetterbelieve

I'dmakesureyouknewthatyouweretoogoodforhimandtocutyourlossesandmaybeI'dcut—"

Ishakemyhead.

"Foolsandassholes,Navy,butthat'snoreasontokeepyourselffromlovingoratleastlikingagain."

She'snotwrong,butIkeeptherestofthestorytomyself.

"I'msorrythathappenedtoyou."Shegivesmeanotherhugandgetstoherfeet."Nowthatweknow

eachother'ssecretsweshouldgetsomesleep."

IclosemyeyesandasIhearhersay,"Goodnight,"Ipassout.

*

Idon'tgetnearlyenoughsleep,butit'sSunday,whichmeanstomorrowisMonday.Idon'twantto

Monday.I'dratherwashdishes,whichiswhatI'mdoingwhenKatwandersoutwearingaT-shirtthatsays
Butfirst,coffee.

"Ifeelyousohardonthat,"Isay,pointingtohershirt."ButIcan'tfindthepods."

"Maybetheguydownthehallhassometospare."

Iraisemyeyebrows,"Areyougoingtoaskhim,sportingthatdisheveledhangoverlook,raccoon

eyes,andthefainttracesoflipliner?You'rehot,butIdon'tthinkevenyoucanpullthatoff.Iforoneam
notsettingfootoutsidethisapartmentuntilIdon'tlooklikethis."Igesturetomybedhead.

"Pointtaken.Ihaven'tlookedinamirror.Iknowthecoffeeisaroundheresomewhere."

Afteropeningandscatteringthecontentsoftheseveralremainingboxes,westillcan'tfindthecoffee.

Katpullsonahat,wrapsascarfaroundhalfherface,andarmedwithawadofcash,setsoffona

missiontogetuscoffee.

"I'llkeeplookingforthepods,"Ishoutassheslamsthedoor.She'llprobablymeetsomehottieandget

hisnumberbeforeIfindthethem.

Isigh,finishthedishes,andthensetupmylaptoponthecenterisland.I'mtemptedtobrowsepuppies,

butrecallingtheconversationfromlastnightaboutOTPs,Ibrowselistsoffictionalloversthatmakemy
heartflutter.

Minuteslater,Katyaburststhroughthedoorwaybearingcoffee."Andtocontinueourcomfortfood

extravaganza,Ibroughtdoughnuts.Lookatthese.Fruitypebblesontopofthisone.Cocoapuffsonthat
chocolateglazed.Theycountasbreakfast,right?"

"It'slunchtime."

"Brunch,shmunch.See,thisoneischeesecakeflavored,andIgotthisNutellaonebecause,Nutella.

Ohmynom."

"Ishouldbringaboxofthesetotheofficewithmetomorrow.Maybesomeonewilllikeme."Ipoint

toapillowybitoffrieddoughcoveredincinnamonsugar."What'sthatone?"Iask,

"Theyguysaiditwasachurrodoughnut."

"Theguy?"Iask,pluckingthechurrodoughnutfromthebox.

Shewavesaflagofpaperinfrontofme."Myfingersweretoofrozentoputhisnumberinmyphone.I

diditoldschool."Shetakesabiteofherdoughnutandglancesatmycomputer."Don'ttellmeyou're
lookingatpuppiesagain.However,Iwouldn'tbeopposedtotryingtoconvinceAndreweshouldbe
allowedtohaveadognexttimeIseehim."

"Who?"

"Theleasingagent,"shesaysaroundasipofcoffee."Ifyourperiodhasrecalibrateditselfandyou're

alreadyhavingPMS,I'mintrouble.Youknowwhattheysayaboutwomenwholivetogether.Maybethat
explainsallthecomfortfoodcravings."

"IamnothavingmyperiodorPMSorpuppyfeverorcravings.You'retheonewhobroughtthe

doughnuts.Iwasjustdoingsomeresearch."

Shespinsthelaptoptofaceher."ButtercupandWesley,DaisyandGatsby?Thesearesomemajor

powercouples.IknowexactlywhatkindofresearchanddevelopmentyouandIneedtodo."

Ipeeroverhershoulderasshepullsupanonlinedatingwebsite.

"No.Noway,"Isay,shovingmychurrodoughnutinmymouth.

She'salreadytypingatlightningspeed."Whatkindofguydoyouwant?"

Idon'tanswer,butwhenherstaremakesmefeelasthoughnuclearattackisimminent,Isay,"Notthe

human,cheatingkind.Iprefermymenonpaper."

Katlaughs."Anyparticulartasteinappearance.I'mgoingtoassumeyou'dpreferhehavehair,onhis

head,notsomuchonhisbody.Hmm."Shetapsherchin."Vocation?Look,"shepoints,"Thereareall
kindsoffilters."

Ireachforadoughnutdrizzledwithchocolateandredvelvetcrumbs.

"Navy,despitewhatyoutoldmelastnight,I'mfamiliarwiththecontentofthebooksyouread.

Actually,readingisn'ttherightword.Consuming.Youdevourbooks.Iknowyouwantyourhearttoheal.
We'vebeenfriendsfornearlyadecade.YouhavethehopelessromanticstrainofDNA.Iknowyoudo."

Thisisalsotrue.

"You'vejournaledaboutthis,right?Youridealguyandbeinginarelationship…"

Guilty.

"Visionboards…"

Idon'tanswer.

"Affirmations?"

Itakeanotherbiteofdoughnutandshrug.

"So,we'redoingR&D.I'mnotsuggestingyoumeetanyofthementhatpopup,thoughit'snotabad

idea.Lookatthisguy.Mmm.Delicious."

"Kat,youshouldmakeaprofile."

"Unnecessary.Iknowwhatmyneedsare.WherewasI?Ohright,you.Maybeifyouconsideredwhat

you'dlikeinarelationship,you'dbemoreapttotakechancesbecauseyoumightfindtheone."

Myvisionblurswithliquid.

"NavyCatherineCarrington.Yes,Zachbrokeyourheart,butyoucannotgivehimthatkindofpower.

You'relettingsomethingthathappenedinhighschoolmakeyoumiserablenow.Ihadmyheartbroken
senioryear.Injunioryear,IhadsuchbadacneIwouldn'tleavethehouse.SophomoreyearIfaileda
class.Andfreshmanyear?Don'tevengetmestartedonwhyIdidn'tmakethecheerteam."

"You'veneverletanyofitstopyou,"Isay,thinkingofherlongrosterofaccomplishments.

"Hellno.Iusesetbacksandspeedbumpsforfuel.Youcan'texpecttolovewithoutitsometimes

hurting.That'spartoflife.Liketheysay,abrokenhearttellsyouthatyouoncelovedandthat'sapretty
specialthing.Butit'stimetomoveon.Youwithme?"

Isetthedoughnutdown,myheartbeatingoutaroughrhythmofuncertainty.

"It'stimetofigureoutwhoNavy,themosteligiblewomaninManhattan,reallyisandwhatshe

wants."

Chapter7

PeacocksandPigeons

EventhoughIhavenointentionofdatinganyonethatappearsontheprofile,IindulgeKatyaasshe

riflesoffquestionsaboutmyso-calleddatingdesires.

"Doyouwanthimtoshareyourinterests?Booksforinstance?Maybethetwoofyoucouldgethotand

heavyreadingsmut."Shemoansdramatically."Ooh,hisslickmanhoodsomething-somethingpenetrates
something-somethingthefloweringfoldsofhercore."

Isqueezemyeyesshutandtrytokeepfromlaughing."No,no!Idon'treadthosekindsofromance

novelsandIdon'tonlyreadromancenovels."

"Checkthisout.ThisguyblogsabouthisdatinglifeasthoughhewasontheBachelor.Isthataturnoff

orshouldweseeifyoufithiscriteria?Isawyouwereonlinereadingaboutgettingbackinthedating
game…"

"Thatwaslikethreeyearsagoandtheblogpostwasaboutavoidingromanticentanglementsinthe

workplace.Ihadtogiveapresentationforhumanresources."

"Andthis,rightnowhasbeennearlythreetimesaslonginthemaking.FavoriteTVshows?Hmm.

Well,you'venevermissedanepisodeoftheBachelor."

"Morbidcuriosity."

Katcackles."RightandIonlyeatchocolatetoseeifIstilllikethewayittastes.I'lljustgoaheadand

figurethisoutforyou.Someonewhomakesherlaugh.Check.Strong.Hot.Check,check.Knowshowto
cook,that'suseful.Oratleastmakecoffee.Independentandhardworking.Checkandcheck."

AsKatyacontinuestofilloutthedatingprofile,mythoughtsdrifttoseeingCarricktheotherday.His

broadshouldersandchest,hiscapablehands,andhislipsfillmythoughtsasInervouslybraidthestrings
onthethrowblanketcoveringmylap.

"Navy,hello!You’rethewordsmithhelpmecomeupwithacatchyheadline."

Isnapbacktothepresent."Ithoughtthiswasjustforresearchanddevelopment.Idon’treallyfeel

comfortableputtingmyselfouttherelikethat.Idon'tevenhaveaFacebookpage."

"Actually,youdo.Imadeoneforyouincollege.You'resingle,available,andreadyforfun.Password

isNavybean."Shebreaksintoasmileatthesightofmycompleteandutterdismay."I'mjoking.Butyou'll
neverfindthekindofromanceyouwantifyoudon'topenyourselftoit."

"I'mgettingthereslowly.Likeaturtle.Ijustcan'tdotheonlinething."

"No,Iguessnot."Sheanglesthecomputerscreentome."Basedonyourcriteriathereareonlyfive

datableguysoutoftwo-hundred-thousandsomethingonthissite.Thatwon'tdo."Sheunclicksafewofthe
boxesandthensays,"Iknow!Let'sgooutnextweekend.There'sthisnewclubI'vebeenwantingtocheck

out.Idareyou…"

Iswallowhard,ourconversationfromtheearlyhoursspinningbacktomelikeadrunkentop.

ItmustknockKatyaintheheadbecauseherfacelightsup."Wait.Ialreadydaredyou.Lastnight.I

remembernow.Idaredyoutodatethefirstfiveguysyousee.Comeon.Let'sgetready."

Katya'sphonevibrates."Dannielleneedsmetoteachherclass.Herdaughterissick.Poorbaby."

"Don'tyouhaveahangover?"

"Yogaisthecureforeverything.Youshouldcome.Firstfiveguys.Yogadudesareusuallypretty

sensitiveandadventurousifyouknowwhatImean..."

"I'mnotveryflexible."

"Yes,Iknow."Shehuffsabreathinthedirectionofthecomputerscreen."Butyou'renotgettingoutof

this.Firstfiveandyouhavetogivethemeachachance."

Ibegrudginglychangeclothes,tuckingTheBoyfriendBookbackintheboxandstashingitoutofsight.

"Areyouready?"Katasks,poppingintomyroom.

WhereIhaveIbaggyeyesandapuffyfaceshelookslikeshebelongsonthefrontcoverofayoga

magazine.

WhileIlockthedoorbehindus,shewhispers,"Firstfive."

WhenIturnaround,thedoorto7Gopensandoutwalksourneighbor.Mybootcatchesonthecarpet

andIstumblebeforetuckingtheevidenceofmyembarrassmentintheformofflamingredcheeksbehind
Kat;herheightcomesinhandyformorethanreachingthetopcabinetsinthekitchen.

Talkaboutmagazinecovermaterial:darkhairandeyes.Strongjaw.Thateaseful,notacareinthe

world,loungingonayachtoffthesouthofFrancekindofposture.HeandKatwouldbeanOTPpower
couple.

"Goodmorning,"hesaysinasmoothandsexyvoice.Istifleaswoon.Yes,ifIletmyself,Iama

certifiedswooner.

"Wejustmovedindownthehall.I'mKatyaandthisisNavy."ShejostlesmesoI'mstandinginfront

ofher.

"Navy?Whatkindofnameisthat?"Heaskswithgenuinecuriosity.

"Oldfamilyname."

"Oldfamily?"

Inod."Carrington,"Isay,throwingmylastnamein,notthatitmeansmuchoutsideoftheinsulated

circleofCapeCod,veterans,andAmericanhistorybuffs.

Hebeamsasmilethatcouldsummonthesunfromtheheavensonthiscloudyday.

"Tellhim,"Katsaysunderherbreath.

Irollmyeyesandinaflatvoice,deliverthespeechI'vegivenbywayofintroductiononother

occasionssuchasthis:whenKattriestogetmetochatupguys."Mygreat-great-great—well,many,
manygreats—,grandfatherwasoneoftheoriginalfoundersoftheUnitedStatesNavy.Hediedforour
freedomwhilemygreat-greatandsoongrandmotherwaspregnant.Tohonorhismemory,shenamedtheir
sonNavy.Asluckwouldhaveit,thefirstchildborntoeverysubsequentgenerationwasason.Untilme.
EverysingleoneofthemwerealsoesteemedNavyAdmirals.Exceptme."I'mrambling.

"Fascinating."TheGuyin7Gclaspshisarmsinfrontofhischestandsurveysme,updown,inside

out.He'slikethemagnetometeratairportsecurity.However,unlikethenervesthatsuggestI'mcarrying
illicititemsthroughTSA,there'sawarmer,dareIsayhotter,sensationinmystomach,orrather,due
south.

"Iguessso."Andthestoryisdisappointing.Ileaveoffthepartabouthowmyparentsstruggledto

conceiveandknewthey'donlyhaveonekidsoNavyitis,carryingonthelegacyasthefirstfemale.

"She'soneofakind,"Katsays,practicallyshovingmeintohisarms,whichquitehonestlyIwouldn't

mind.

"I'mSpencer.Nicetomeetyou."Heextendshishandandshakesmine.I'dbealiarifIsaidIdidn't

feelazingandaswoopandasizzle.

Navyextractsmefrommywide-eyed-wonder."We'reonourwaytoayogaclass.Navyisanamazing

student.Youshouldseehowflexiblesheis."

IelbowKat.

Hesmirks.

"Andbalanced,compassionate,"Katrattlesonasthoughreadingfrommydatingprofile.Thedating

profileIwillpromptlydeletewhenwereturnlater.

"Iheardyouhadsomefriendsoverlastnight."

"Housewarmingparty.Ihopeweweren'tloud."

"Idon'tmindloud.Mrs.Hessdownthehallontheotherhand…"

Katmatcheshissmirk,butthensays,"Weloveentertaining,don’twe,Navy."

"Yeah,awholepartyforapotofcrazy-roni."MycheeksburnbecauseIhavenoideawhyIsaid

somethingstupidandrandomlikethat.Ihavenoideahowtofunctionasanormaladultneverminda
datableone.

"Crazy-roni?"Spencerasks.

"It'sasecretfamilyrecipe."Katwinks.

"Areyousisters?"

IlookupatKatyaAphroditeKalonje,myGreek-Kenyan-Indian-Russianbombshellofabestfriend

andshakemyhead.Ifwewerebornfromthesamelitter,I'dbetherunt.

"Bestfriends.She'sgoingtobethemaidofhonoratmywedding.Thedressisgoingtobestunningon

you—"shesays,turningtome.ThentoSpencersheadds,"Actually,shehasn'taddedherplusonetothe
listso…"

"Navy,maybewecouldhavedinnersometime,"hesaysandI'msureit'stosparemefurther

embarrassment."Orayogaclass."

Katyaelbowsmethistime.

"Oh,yeah,thatwouldbegreat,"Isay,swallowingamouthfulofawkward.

"Whydon’tyouexchangenumbers?Orevenbetter,arrangetomeet.Wednesdaynightthere'sa

couple'syogaclassintheVillage.Iknowtheteacher.She'sfabulousandthere'safantasticfarm-to-table
restaurantnearby.You'llloveit."

Spencersmilesatme."Whattimeistheclass?"

"Sixtoseven."

"I'llmakereservationsforseven-thirty."

Hewatchesus,oratleastKat,walkaway.

Whenwe'reontheelevatorIask,"Whathaveyoudone?Acouple'syogaclass?Dinner?"

"Isetyouuponahotdate,sister."

"Ihavetocancel.I'mnotgoingtobeabletowalkbyhisdoorwithoutbeinghumiliated.Andyour

wedding?Whatwedding?"

"Ineversaidwhenmynuptialsare.Someday,duh.I'mhookingadudewithayacht.ThoughIguess

dudesprobablydon'thaveyachts."

"Ibegtodiffer,"Isay,thinkingofCarrickandthefamilyflotilla.

Shebrieflydebatesdudesversusgents—theformerbeingmorefun,thelatterhavingbettermanners.

Carrickwasadudeinagent'sclothing:aplayerinhighschoolwiththeoutwardevidenceofbeinga
well-heeledmemberoftheuppercrust.

Thenshesays,"HaveyounotseenmyPinterestboards?SomedayI'llexchangevows;Ijustnever

specifiedwhen.You'llbethemaidofhonorofcourseandwillturnheadswhenyouwalkdowntheaisle.
Well,untilIappear."Shegripsmychininherglovedhand."Navy,whenyoudon'tscowlyoulook
gorgeousinanything,anywhere,hungover,whatever."

Iglimpsemyreflectiononthebrushedmetalwalloftheelevator.

"DoIreallyscowl?"

"Mostofthetime."

"Whyhaveyounevertoldme?That'slikewalkingaroundatapartywithspinachinmyteethandno

onediscretelymentioningit."

Sheshrugs,buthershouldersdon'trelaxaswebothbraceagainstthecold."Ididn'tknowwhyuntil

lastnight.It'sascoldoutsideasyourbrokenheart,butit'stimetowarmthatthingup.Youthoughtitwas

partofyouridentity,butit'snot.Yoursmileis."

"IfthisisoperationcheerNavyup,it'snotexactlyontrack."

"Thisisoperationdoubledare.Firstfiveguys.Fivedates.Toriandeveryoneelseweremy

witnesses.There'snogettingoutofthisone."

"WhatifIcontacteveryoneandhavethemrescindthedare."

"Afteryoupassedoutwemadeapact."

"Ididn'tpassout,"Ianswer.

"Everyonewantsyoutokeepthempostedonyourdates."Shestops,redirectingthefoottrafficaround

uslikedammingastream.Sheclutchesmyshoulders."Youshouldstartablog."

"Absolutelynot."

"TheBoyfriendBookBlog.PasswordNavybean."

"You'remorecuckoothancocoapuffs."

"Butyouloveme."

ThatIdo.

Afterwecrossthestreet,wepassaheftymanpushingashoppingcartladenwithdirtyplasticbags.

"Notacandidate.Movingon,"Katsays,pullingmealongsideher.

We'reonthecorneracrossfromthestudio,butshechecksthetimeonherphonebeforedetouringus

downanotherblock.

"Wherearewegoing?"Iask,avertingmyeyesfromallpassersby.

"Isaidyogaisthecureforall,butifIstandanychanceofpullingoffteachingaclass,Ineedmore

coffee."

Shepullsmeintotheshortlineatthecafe.Irubmyhandstogether,warmingup.Aftersheplacesher

orderandadeepvoiceasks,"Anythingforyourfriend?"Iglanceoveratherandcatchhermouthingthe
wordsahotcupofyou.

Man-bun-baristasmilesfrombeneathafewdaysofunshavenscruffandhisdarklashesblinklazily.

Isputter.

IfhesaworhasatalentforreadingchatteringlipsthenI'mmortified.Thankfully,mycheeksare

alreadypinkfromthewhippingwindoutsideandfromourencounterwithSpencer.

Katsays,"Surpriseher."

Hesmirks.Of-flipping-course.

Thelinebehindushasdoubledsothere'snotimeforhertosetmeuponaseconddate,butwhilewe

waitforourcoffeeshesays,"Datenumbertwo."

"Whyareyousointentonfindingmesomeonetodate?Orfivesomeones?It'snotlikeyouhavea

boyfriendoragirlfriend.Justme,afriend-friend."

"Yourargumentsareweak,youngPadawan."Hervoiceismystical,Jedi-like."Gotothemoviesyou

will.WatchthenewStarWarsinstallmentwithahotguyyoumust."ShejutsherchinattheMan-bun-
baristawhowearsablackT-shirtthatsaysthreadgeekery."Heseemslikehe'dbeintothat."Hiseyesare
asdarkastheearringsplugginghisearlobes.He'swirywith,like,zero-percentbodyfatandasmattering
ofrandomtattoosonhisforearms.

I'vealwaysthoughtyoucantellalotaboutapersonbyhowtheytaketheircoffee.Espressoversus

cappuccinoforinstance.Theformerarereadytogetshitdone,areonthego,andtendtoblendoneword
intothenextinanattempttosayALLTHETHINGS.

Ontheotherhand,Cappuccinodrinkersaremoreinclinedtositandenjoytheirmorningbeverage

overalongphilosophicalconversationoverthelusciousmealtheyhadthenightbeforeastheytake
precioussipsoftheirfrothydrink.

Peoplewhotaketheircoffeeblacktendtobemoodyandbroody.Andthosewhotaketheirmorning

cuppalightandsweetoftenuseastrawsotheydon'tmessuptheirlipstick.

Katyaneverordersthesamethingtwodaysinarow,whichisfittingsinceshe'srarelydatedthesame

guytwice.Apparently,Itakeminewithaguy'snumberscribbledontheside.

Itrytoreaditasweexit.

"What?"sheasks.

Igrimace.

"Navy,allittakesisthatmagical,adorable,dimpledsmileofyoursandguysaresmitten.You'reas

cuteasakitten,anyoneevertellyouthat?"

IhissatKat,mybreathapuffinthecold,"Ihavenotbeensmiling."

"Youhaven'tstoppedsmilingallday.That'swhathappenswhenyouletgoofoldbaggage."

Thethingis,Idon'tthinkI'veletitgo.Infact,I'mprettysureitwasjustspeciallydeliveredintomy

proximityintheformofatall,attractiveMarinewho'sbeenMIAforthelastfiveyears.

Shegoeson,"Andwelcomenewpossibilities.Thehottiein7Gpossibilities.Man-bun-barista

possibilities.Gymstudpossibilities,"shesaysasthewarmheatinthegymsealsusinside.

"Hey,Kat,"callsashirtlessguywithabsthatareaworkofart.It'snowondershewasquicktosay

yestohelpDannielle."Heardyou'resubbing,"hesays."Broughtafriend,thisisOmar."

Katsmilesatthembothandthennodsatme."Datenumberthree."

"What?"thegymratasks.

"Oh,sorry.Tyrell,thisisNavy.Navy,meetTyrellandOmar.Ibettergetstarted.Youguysgrabsome

matsupfront."

BythetimeI'vetwisted,lifted,stretched,andplankedmyselfintohavingapurifiedliver,I'velearned

thatOmarisapersonaltraineratthegymandwantstogivemeafreesession.Healsogivesmethe
addressforhiswebsiteandwetradeemails.

"Sweatingissosexy,"Katyasayswhenshemeetsmeforajuiceatthefrontofthegymafterward.

"Unlessyou'reme."Mytanktopispermanentlyadheredtomyskinwithsweat."I'mlikeahogwhenI

workoutandyouglisten.There'sadifference"

WeleavethewarmthofthegymasKatsays,"IfIhearyousayonemoreself-deprecatingthingabout

yourself,I'mfiringyou."

"It'sascoldasaslaptotheface,"IsaynotsureifImeanhercommentortheair.Idon'tmeantosay

shitaboutmyself;it'smoreofadefault.Afiltertokeepfromshowingtherealme.I'mafraidifIrevealthe
confidentgirlburstingtogetoutandamrejected,orstillfeelasstuckasIdo,I'llbelaughedatagain.The
trilloflaughter,theknowingglances,theconcernedcalls…EveryoneknewIwasdatingacheaterand
didn'ttellme,butwhenIfoundoutitwasdoublyhumiliating.I'msmartenoughnottoletthathappenagain
whetherwhendatingorinmycareerorinregularlife."You'rethreateningtofireme?"Iaskinasmall
voice.

"You'remypersonaltrainerforlife."

"I'mnotcertifiedtobealifecoach."Irushtokeepupwithherasshepracticallyjogsbacktowardthe

apartment.

"You'retheonewhokeptmeontrackduringcollege.Whoencouragedmetogotogradschool.You

madeitsoIdidn'tscrewupandthrowawaymyeducation.Youwerealwaysmyinspirationandinthe
lastfewmonths,maybeevenyearsnow,you'vebeenspiralingintothispitofself-doubtandloathing.
Enough."

Herwordshitmehard.Ipausemidstride.Maybeitwasthereceptivityherclosingmeditationcreated

duringclass.Maybeit'sjustbeingoutonacoldSundayinJanuary.Perhapsit'sjusttimeformetochange.
Togetunstuck.Tofigureouthow.Iwipemyeyes."Yeah.You'reright.I'msorryI've—"

"—hadsomuchspinachinyourteeth.That'swhatfriendsarefor.Totellyouthesethings.Ionlywish

I'drealizeditsooner.Oh!Howconvenientforyoutohavearevelationrighthere."

Ilookupatthesoftglowofthebookstoreattwilight,yearningforapaperescape.Abeachread,a

fierygirlwhoplayshardtoget,asecondchanceromance—anythingthat'sone-hundredandeighty
degreesfromwhereI'matnow.

"Numberfour.Yourbookboyfriend.Maybehe'llbeyourOTP."

Ipeerthroughtheglass.He'saverageheight,withlightbrownhair.Hewearsagraysweatshirtand

jeans.Idon'tseeanysignoftattoos,piercings,aman-bun,orevenmassivesexappeal.Heseems,ina
word,normal,trustworthy,nice.Thekindofguythatwouldbeperfectforme.

"Willyougooutwithhim?Justonce.Youtwocangettotallynerdytogether."Shegiggles.

"Idon'tevenknowwhathelikestoread,butfine,"Isay,graspingatmyresolvewithshivering

fingers.

WekeepwalkingandKatsays,"Yousee,Iusedtotheorizethattherearetwokindsofpeopleinthe

world,swansandpeacocks."

"Thosearebirdsnotpeople."

"Bearwithme."

"Letmeguess,I'mapigeon."

Sheignoresme."Yes,somedayI'llgetmarried,butit'smostlyfortheexperienceandthedress.I'ma

peacockandyou'dbetterbelieveI'llbeparadingaroundinmyfineryonmyweddingday.ButIalsolike
toflysolo—Ineedmyindependence,likeMew.However,swansmateforlife.You'realoveforlife
kindagal.

"Areyoureallylikeningourrelationshipexperiencestothoseoftheaviankingdom?"

"Iam,"Katsaysasapigeonpecksatsomethingquestionablebyasewerdrain.

"There'ssomuchwrongwithyourtheory.First,youcan'tbeapeacockbecausethey'remale.You'dbe

apeahen,whichjustsoundsweird.Second,yournameisKat.Birdsandcats?Seemslikeaconflict
waitingtohappen.Ifwe'regoingtodoanyanimalcomparison,menarelikedogs.Thisisn'tabadthing
becauseasweknow,Ireally,reallywouldloveapuppy.Butmen,theyliketoburytheirbones,they
droolandbark,they'reterritorial.They'recutewhenthey'repuppiesandthengethairyandshedwhen
they'reold."

"You'vethoughtaboutthisabit?"

Ibarkafakelaugh."SomemenarelikeDachshundsanddoalotofdigging,hidingtheirbonesall

overtown.St.Bernardsarecalmandloyal,butwilldroolalloveryourface.Infactwhenitcomesto
kissingsomeofthemaretoopointy,toomushy,tooslobbery,practicallylickingyourfaceoff."

"Youhaven'tbeenkissingtherightones."

ButIhave,well,once,that'showIknowthedifference."ShallIgoon?Theysnoretoo.Dobermans,

mastiffs,andRottweilersarestrongandmakeyoufeelsafe,butwatchout,they'reextremelyterritorial.
Thereareaselectfewwhoretaintheirwolf-liketendencies—thealphas,who'llbeloyalcompanionsfor
life,butthey'rerare."Isigh."Also,haveyounoticedpeopletendtolookliketheirdogs?Iwasreadingan
articletheotherday—"

We'renearlytothecornerbeforecrossingtoourstreetwhenKatgripsmyarmsohardmyrambling

turnsintoanow.

"Okay.I'llshutup.I'mjusttryingto—"

Katwhispers."Numberfive."

"Huh?"

Ifollowhergazetoaformidablefigureapproachingwithaconfidentgate,squaredoffchin,strong

shoulders,andanintelligent,piercinggazethatdoesn'twaverfromme.

Chapter8

NumberFive

Iturnintheoppositedirection,butKatyahasmeinayogagrip.TheheavyfootfallsofCarrick'sboots

stopnexttous.

"Hello,numberfive,"Katsaysasshespinsmearound.

"What'sthat?"Carrickasks.

"Funnytorunintoyouagain,"Katyasays."Navywasjusttellingmeallaboutyou."

"Idon'timaginetheyweregoodthingssincesheranoff—"

Ifthiswereoneofmynovels,I'dfirebackallboldandbrassybecausethere'snothinggoodtosay.

Instead,Imutter,"Ijustforgotsomething."Iforgothowinsaneyoumakeme,filledwithcontemptand
confusionandsomethingelsethatIcan'tidentify,butit'shotandliquidandmakesmewanttoscream.

"Didyoufindit?"heasks.

Ishiftfromfoottofoot."Suredid."

"Whatdidyouforget?"Katasksoff-handedly,glancingatatextonherphone.

Thisjustwentfromzerotoawkward.

"Stuff,"Iblurt,lookingaway.

CarrickextendshishandtoKatandsays,"Wehaven'tmet.I'mCarrick."

"AndI'mKatya,Navy'sbestfriend."Herphonebeepsagain.

Inthemomentshelooksdown,Carrick'sexpressionretoolsitselffromapainfulmemoryandbackto

thepresent.Iwashissister'sbestfriend.Myboyfriendwashisbestfriend.Theyoungelitelivingonthe
armofMassachusettsallofthoseyearsagowoveatangledweb.

"Sorryguys,Ihavetogo,"shesayswithasmirk,"Iforgotsomethingatthegym,"shecallsoverher

shoulder."Nicemeetingyou.Hopetoseeyouagainsoon!"

"Morelikeshe'sgotabootycall,"Imumble.

"Whatwasthat?"Carrickasksoverthecitydin,steppingcloser.

Hiseyes,glowing,digging,hungry,dog-like,turnmeintoadrippingicicle."Nothing.Gottago,"Isay

throughchatteringteeth.

"It'sbeenawhile.Doyouwanttograbacoffeeorsomethingelse?"

"Somethingelse."

Thesteadystreamoffoottrafficsurroundingusandawallofnewspaperboxesatmybackprevents

mefromrushingpasthimtothehavenofanywherethat'snothere.

Hegripsthebackofhisneckandinhales."Listen,Iknowwhatthisisabout."

Ifoldmyarmsinfrontofmychest."ShouldIhaveletitgobynow?Becausetotellyouthetruth,I'd

justliketogo."

"Wait.It'sbeenalongtimesincewe'vehadthechancetotalk.Justacoffee,please?"

Unfortunately,there'sacoffeeshoponthecorner.

Theawkwardsilencefollowsusinsideaswecreepforwardinline.Finally,thegirlatthecounter

askswhatwe'dlikeandCarricksays,"Mediumcoffeejustmilkandavanillalatte—"

"Ateaactually,"Icorrect.

"Youusedtolovevanillalattes."Carricksays.

Ishakemyheadandtellthegirl,"Iusedtolovealotofthings."

Hepullsouthiswallet.

"PeoplechangeandIcanpayformyowndrink,thanks."

"TheydoandIwantto,"heanswersinasoftvoice.

Thesneakythoughtthathe'schangedflitsinandoutofmyhead.Alittleyapfromawomancarryinga

ShihTzureturnsmetomysenses.

"What'skeptyouintheBigApple?"heaskswhilewewait.

Mybelovedhusband,anItalianinvestmentbanker,ourbeautifulbrownstone,mysuccessfulcareer

inpublishing.Oh,alsothepowerlunches,galas,soirees,youknowtheusual.

Ishrug.Idon'tknow,actually.

WhenIdon'tanswerhesays,"IendedupintheMarinesafter…Iwasn'tfeelingverypeaceful.Iwent

tocollegeonthewestcoast,andthenwenttoEurope.Justgotbacklastweek."

Iknowhewentintothemilitary,butwasn'tawarehewasinEurope.Afterawhile,Istopped

inquiring."Impressive.Yourparentsmustbeproud."Myvoiceisasheetofblackice.

Hesnorts."Whathaveyoubeenupto?"Inourparents'circle,thisquestionisoftenphrasedandwhat

doyoudo?,whichtranslatestotellmehowyouspendyourtimesoIcanestimateyourworth.I
rememberthegamewellenough.

Ibalancebetweenchoicea:asnarkyanswertotheeffectofwhydoyoucare,thoughI'msurelaterI'll

thinkofsomethingmorebiting—Ialwayscomeupwiththebestcomebacksafterthefact—andb:the
truth.It'shardtocomeoutofhidingafterdoingitforsolong.There'salwaysachoicec:saynothing.

WhenIdon'tanswer,heclearshisthroatandsays,"Navy,everythingthathappenedyoursenioryear,

I'msorry.Iknownowthatshould'vetoldyou."

"You'vealreadyapologized.Manypeopleshouldhave,couldhavetoldme.Buttheydidn't."

"AndIknowtheyregretit."

"Doyou?"

"Clairedid."

Sheneverhadachancetotellmeasmuch.Iplaytheknife'sedgeofsadnessoverherdeathandanger

athernothavingbeenthefriendIthoughtshewas.Andguilt.There'salotofthattoo.IwassoupsetI
wouldn'ttalktoher,butifIhad,shewouldn'thavegotteninherboyfriend'scarafterhe'dbeendrinkingon
promnight.

Carrickpassesmemyteaandwemovetowardtheonlyavailableseatingalongthebarbythe

window.Hesitssquarelyonthestool.Iperchontheedge.

"Youlooklikeyou'regoingtoflyaway,"hesays.

Myresponseisflippantsilence.

"Ifled.I'msorry.Ishouldhavebeenthereforyou."HiseyesmeetmineandIlookaway.Myeyesflit

back.He'sstilllookingatme.Hisadmissionhangsintheairbetweenus.Hisfingerslinkbetweenmine
underthecounter.Histouchburnslikefire,likeice,likeloveandhate.Iclosemyeyes,rememberingthe
otherreasonsIfeelguilty,andsqueegeeawaythetears.

Iblinkmyeyesandsniffattheapologyinthefurrowedlinesofhisbrow,thesoftnessinhiseyes,and

thequietpatienceofhislips.

Heleanscloser,imploringmewiththesadnessinhiseyesthatmatchesmyown."I'msorry,Navy,"he

whispers.Hispalmpressesintomine,holdingmyhandtighter.

Hisedgesblur,thedistancebetweenusdisappears,andourlipsgraze.It'saseasyandasfamiliaras

breathing.It'samomentoftenderforgiveness,ofunmetlonging.

There'saspark.

Thenablaze,afeveredrushofheat,ofmemory,lust…

Ipushhatepastitall.

Iwrenchmyselffreeandshakemyhead."No,CarrickKennely.Remember?Ihateyou."Thisisthe

onlyliethatslipseasilyoffmytongue."Youdon'towemeanything."

"Idid.Ido."Iwatchhisjawworkashesipshiscoffee.

I'mfilledwiththedesiretokisshischeekandpunchithard.

"Thewholethingleftusallfeelingkindofraw."

"Carrick,Istillfeelthatway.Everyday.Raw.Hollow.Carvedout.Broken."Thesobbuildsinmy

throatandifIdon'tgetoutofherenow,it'llescapeorI'llchokeonmytea."Whatdoyouwant?"Iask.

Hiseyessayeverything,everythingweoncehad,couldhavehad:allofmeinexchangeforallofhim.

*

Ilayinmybed,gettingusedtothenewbuilding'snoises,thecreekoftheflooroverhead,the

intermittenthonkingoutside,andtheimageinmyheadofCarrick,lookingremorsefulinsteadofcocky
withalltheconfidenceandswaggerofsomeonewiththelastnameKennely.He'sstillashotasever.He
stillmakesmefeelashotasever.I'msureKatwillhavealottosayaboutthatlater.

Wewerefriends,closefriends,bothofusteasingthelinetobecomemorethanfriends.ThenZach

askedmeoutandCarrickbecomeaplayer.Endofstory.

Almost.

AftereverythingthathappenedbeforeandafterClaire'sfuneralIdidn'tthinkhe'dwanttotalk.Infact,

asfarasIknow,heforgotIexisted.

AshaftoflightbeamsacrossmybedandKat'stallfigurefillsthedoorway."Youawake?"

"I'msleeping,"Imumble.

"It'sonlyten."

"Ihavetogetupearly."

"Ohyeah,Iforgotaboutyourjob."Shemakesagaggingnoise.

Themattressshiftswhenshesitsdown.

"Partypooper.Weshouldfindyouaninheritanceoratrustfundsoyoudon'thavetolaborandtoil.

Butfirst,letmetellyouaboutwhatIfoundatthegym…"Shegoesontotellmeabouthowshemetup
withTyrellforaquickdinnerandalongsoakinhisrooftophottub.MyminddriftstoCarrick'slips
brushingagainstmine.

Iwipemymouthandthensay,"Idon'tneedtoknowthedetails,"whenshestartsdescribingthe

mechanicsofsexwhilesubmergedinwater.

"Itmightbeusefultoyousomeday.Numberfivelookslikehe'dliketotakeatubwithyou."

"Numberfive?"Iask.

"Carrick.Yourfifthdate."

Ishoottositting."Noway."

"Hewasthefifthguywesaw.Wait?Whyareyousmilinglikethat?"

"Smilinglikewhat?I'drathergoonadatewiththebumpushingtheshoppingcart."Ifindmyscowl.

Sheshakesherhead."No,you'drathergooutwithCarrick."

"Whatwouldpossiblymakeyouthinkthat?"

"He'shot.Thebum'snot."

"You’rethepeacock.I'mthepigeon,er,swan,whatever.Remember?"

"Youthinkyou'renotgoodenoughforCarrick?Doyouwantmetoslapyouorlisttheways?Your

choice."

No,I'mtoogoodforCarrick,butbeforethat,duringsenioryearenoughpeopleshowedmethatI

wasn'tgoodenoughforthetruth."I'veknownhimsinceIwasfive.Iwasbestfriendswithhissister.
Remember,heknewabouthowhisbestfriend,myboyfriend,wascheatingonme.He'snotpotential
datingmaterial."

"Notevenalittlebit?"sheasks,pinchingherfingerstogether.

Isqueezethemshut."Never.Notachance."

"Fine,fourdates.SpenceronWednesday,thennextweekMan-bun-barista—youreallyneedtofind

outhisname.Where'sthecupwithhisnumber?"

"Ithrewitout."

"Youwhat?"

"Byaccident.Itosseditwhenwegottothegym."

Kattakesadeep,calmingbreath."You'renotmakingthiseasy."

"Thisisyourdare."

"Butwe'redoingitforyou.I'llgethisnumberagain.Okay,thenafterthatOmaratthegym—I'm

certainthefreepersonaltrainingseshwillbewellworthyourtime.Oh,andthebookstoreguy.Yousaid
you'dhookthatoneup,right?"

"Yeah,"Isay,absently.

"Fourdates.Fourweeks.ThatputsusclosetoValentine'sDay.Ooh.Ihavethebestidea.Howabout

whicheveroneyoulikethemost,youspendValentine'sDaywith."Shebouncesonthebedandclapsher
handsasifwe'reincollegeagain.

"You'rereallyenjoyingthis,huh?"Iask.

"MymiddlenameisAphroditeafterall."

"Butisn'tValentine'sDayalittlecliché?"

"Valentine'sDaygetsatoughrap,butit'sagoodholiday.What'swrongwithcelebratingloveoncea

year?MygrandmotherusedtosayweneedtokeepJesusinourheartseveryday,butthatdidn'tstopher
fromcelebratingChristmas."

"Ithinkthisholidayisdifferentandmassconsumerismisinvolved."

"Youwanttodebateme?Ididn'tleadtheColumbiadebateteamtovictorywithmygoodlooksalone."

Shetossesherhair."Comeon,isn'tthatagreatwaytotopoffthisdare?Hmm,weneedaname,likeour
ownbachelor-esquerealityshow.IknowStruckbyLove.Wait,howaboutthisDesire'sDevotion?"

Ishakemyhead."Soundslikeaporno."

Shesaysafewmoresillytitles.

"You'rereallyskilledattappingintoyourinnerdork."

"Diva.Iprefertothinkofmyselfasadiva.Andyou'rethewordsmith.Comeon,helpmeout."

Istubbornlyrefusewithmyarmscrossedinfrontofmychestandmynoseliftedtotheceiling.

"Cupid'sCaress?"

"Soundslikeasextoy."

"Probablyis.Letmethink.Wecandobetter."

"Doweneedanameforit?"Iask,growingtiredasKat'sdeterminationtosetmeupondates

supplantstheaftershocksofCarrick'slipsonmine.

"Ofcoursewedo.Thesefourdateswillgodowninhistory.Mostlybecausethey'reyouronlyfour

dates.I'vegotitTheValentine'sDayDoubleDare."

"ThatsoundsalmostasjuvenileasTheBoyfriendBook."

"Butsomuchbetterbecausegirlfriend'sgoingtogetsomeaction."

"We'llseeaboutthat."

"Iwantdetails."

"Idon'tkissandtell."Idefinitelycankeepthedetailstomyself.Mystomachsomersaults.

"Youcanblogaboutit.TheBoyfriendBookBlog.IalreadytoldMarc,Tori,andeveryoneallabout

it."

"Ablog?Noway.TheBoyfriendBookwasfromwhenIwas,like,fourteen.Everything'schanged."

"I'mnotsureIbelieveyou."

Idon'tbelievemeeither.

"Youstillhaven'ttoldmeaboutwhathappenedafterIleftyouandCarrickstaringdreamilyateach

otheronthesidewalk."

"Ireaditmoreasalookofconcern."Hate.Contempt.Anger.

"Longing,concern,samediff."

"Wegrabbedsomecoffee—teaforme."

Katjumpstoherfeet,startlingme.

Ibrushmyhandsdownmyarms,tossingtheblanketsoffthebed,andjumpingaround."What?Spider?

Didyoufeelaspider?"Inmyoldapartment,Ioftenhadcreepy,crawlyvisitorsandtoremybedapart
morethanoncetotrackthemdown.

"Calmdown.Nospiders."Sheleansin,hereyesnarrowingagainstmine."You'resayingthatyouand

Carrickwenttoacoffeeshopandhadbeverages?"

"Yes."MostlyIjustsimmeredinastewofsadnessandrage.

"Youknowwhatthatis,right?"

"No."

"Adate,Navy.YouwentonacoffeedatewithCarrick.Numberfive."Shewigglesherfingers.

Thenwesharedthebriefestofkissesthatleftmefeelingmoreconfusedandhurtthanever.

Chapter9

ManSandwich

Thesnoozebuttonismybestfriend.ButafterIpushitthreetimes,Katyashufflesin,pullsthe

comforteroffofme,andtakesitwithher."I'llgiveitbackwhenthatthingstopsgoingoff,"shemumbles,
halfasleep.

Iblinkmyeyesagainstthesmudgeofgrayskythroughthewindowbeforegettingdressedinablue

patterneddresswithtaupetights,andbootieswithamodestheel.Makeuptakeslessthanfiveminutes
sinceIoptforaswipeofeyeliner,mascara,andasimpleglossonmylips.Iwanttoshowupattheoffice
feelingpowerfulandcompetent,showingthehigher-upsthatI'mmadeformorethanfetchingcoffee,
jottingmemos,andmakingcopies.Isnagaleftoverdoughnutandbundleup,bracingforthecold.

Inanyothercircumstancetheheatgeneratedbythelegionsofpeopleoccupyingtheundergroundcattle

carcalledthesubway,wouldbeunwelcome,repellenteven,butIwelcomethewarmth.Backabove
ground,Istopformyboss'scoffeeorder,whichtellsmeeverythingIneedtoknowabouthim.

"Triple,venti,soy,notsweet,nofoam,latte."

Thegirlbehindthecountergivesmeawitheringlook.

"Iknow.Obnoxious.It'snotforme."

HowMr.BoucheknewIgotitwrongthefirstthreedaysIwasworkingatthefirm,I'llnevertruly

know,butsomeonetoldmehehaslactasedeficiency,whichprobablymeanshewasinhisofficefarting
allday.

Andthat'swhyIdon'tdrinklattesanymore.Ishakemyhead,muttering,"It'scolderoutsidethan

Carrick'sheart,"feelingthesuddenpoundingofmyownasI'mshovedforwardbyanonslaughtof
pedestrians.Islideacrossapatchoficeandtowardthecolossaltiresofthecitybuswaitingfor
passengers.MyarmswindmillasItrytofindahandhold,afoothold,anythingtosteadymyself.The
coffeesailsoutofmyhand,splatteringagainstanadvertisementforerectiledysfunctiononthesideofthe
bus.

StronghandsgripmywaistandIcarefullystepbackontosolidground.Iturntothankmyknightin

shiningarmor,andinsteadwishthecoffeesplashedhim.

"Areyoufuckingkiddingme?"Iask,avoidingtheconcernedsetofhismouth."Threetimes?Iruninto

youthreetimes?"

Carrick'sfacereflectsmysurprise,butnotmyirritation."Areyouokay?"

"Areyoufollowingme?"

Heshakeshishead,confusiongivingwaytoamusement."No,Ihaveameeting."Hepointsoff-

handedlytooneofthesurroundingbuildings."Isawsomeoneinamustardyellowhatwithagiantred

pom-pom—ahatIvaguelyrecallwearingonaskitripmanyyearsago—slidingacrosstheiceandinto
thestreet."

He'sstillholdingmyarm.Ishrugitoff.Hetwitchesuncomfortablyandthentuckshishandsinhis

pockets.

"Idon'tneedyoutorescueme,"Igrowl.

Thesoftlinesofhishonestconfessionhardenaroundhismouth.Heswallows."Ofcoursenot."

"I'mgoingtobelate."

"Metoo."

Ibreezepasthim,butfeelfootfallsfallingintimewithmine.Irefusetoglanceovermyshoulder.

"Navy,"hesays.

Ipickupmypace,practicallyjoggingtothedoubledoorsofmybuildingeventhoughI'dratherbe

runninganywhereelse,maybeevenintohisembrace.

Whenmyhandsrestonthemetalbarofthedoor,thefactthatI'memptyhandedreplacesthestupid

thought.Iturnbacktoorderareplacementcoffee,beingsuretotiptheservergenerouslyforwastingher
time.

Fifteenminuteslate,huffing,puffing,andpink-cheeked,Imeetthepinchedfaceandstubby,grabby

armsofmyboss,Mr.Bouche.

"MissCarroting,IexpectyoutohavemycoffeebeforeIarrive."

"Carrington.AndIapologize,sir."Ishouldn'thavenearlyfallenonmyassandIcertainlyshouldn't

havewastedamomenttalkingtoCarrick.

"Wehaveameetinginten.Pleasepreparethepastrytraysandmakesurethecoffeeishotthistime."

Thecoffeeintheurnsisn'tgoodenoughforhim,buthe'llgladlyhavemeserveittotheclientshe

woosandromanceswithbigtalkoftopmediaplacements.

ThemeetingbleedsintolunchandIclearmythroatseveraltimestodisguisethegrumblingofmy

stomach.

"MissCarrolton,istheresomethingyou’dliketosay?"Mr.Boucheasks.

Iclearmythroatagain."No,sorry."

Heresumeshismind-numbinglyboringpromiseoffameandfortunetotheclient.Shelookslikeshe

needsanap.Metoo,sister,metoo.Ipasscoffeerefillsandsneakanibblefromabrokenpastry.

Atlast,themeetingisoverandasIexcusemyselfforlunch,mybosscallsmeback,"MissCarbo—"

Heshakeshishead.

Frombehindmeadeepvoicesays,"Carrington.NavyCarrington."

Iwhiparound.

"Ah,Mr.Kennely.You'vemetournewestassistant?"

Idon'tlookatMr.Kennelyorhislips.

"YoucouldsaythatNavyandIgoback."HeturnstoMr.Bouche."Canyouremindmeyourname

again?I'mterribleatremembering—"

HeclapsCarrickontheshoulder."Ah,Icanrelate.I'mGibwickBouche,butyoucancallmeGib."

"IpreferBouche,rhymeswith—"Carrickwinksatme.

Istiflealaugh,focusingmyattentiononthepaperheartsonthedoortotheemployeelunchroom,a

surprisingadditiontotheotherwiseprofessionaldécor.

Mybossclapshistinyhandstogether."You'veknowneachotherawhilethen.Well,isn'tthatnice.

MissCallingrun,you'dthinkwithhiskindofconnection—well,nevermind.It'salwaysawonderfulday
tohaveaKennelyinouroffice.WouldyoulikeMissCarrottoptogetyouacoffee,apastry,orasticky
bun—Imissedeatingoneinmylastmeeting."

Idon'teventrytohidetherollofmyeyes.Boucheisinsufferable.

Carricksmirksandnods."I'dloveforherto—"

"Mr.Kennely,"callsCocoAlbright,oneofthepartners.Shewagesawarwiththemarblefloorinher

spikedheels.Herredskirttriumphsoverthesimplicityofmyglossylipsandeventhoughherebony
blouseaccentuatesherassets,everyonearoundherelooksherintheeyes.ShemustbemyageandIcan’t
denymyjealousyatherhavinghershitsoneatlybuttonedtogether."Gladtocatchyoubeforeyougo.Can
Ihaveyousignthese?"Sheholdsoutastackofpapers.

"MissCarting—wasjustgoingtobringhimacoffee."

"Pleasebringittomyoffice,"Cocosaystome."Oh,howdoyoulikeitCarrick?"sheasks.

"SheknowshowIlikeit,"Carricksaysinalow,conspiratorialvoice.

Iignorehissmugsmile,thetwistofCoco'slipsathiscomment,andstompaway,mybootsclomping

onthemarblefloorinsteadoftheclick,click,clickofCoco'spowerwalk.

AfteracknowledgingCarrick'sappearancehere,assessingthestrange,flirtatiousgamehe'ssuddenly

playing,makingsureIdon'thavespinachinmyteeth,andgettinghiscoffee,justmilk.Iliftmyhandto
knockonCoco'sofficedoorwhenitopens.

Carrickcomesout."Thereyouare."

"Sorrytokeepyouwaiting."

"Ithinkyoumeantheotherwayaround."

Cocolooksonwithveiledinterest.

"I'mMissCarring-whatever,thecoffeegirl.It'smyjobtorunandfetchandwearasmile."

"Ilikeyoursmile,"Carricksays.

Ishovethecoffeeinhishands.

"Coco,"Carricksaysinhissmooth,charmingvoice."DoyoumindifIborrowNavyforafew

minutes.Promisetobringherback."

Cocostartstoanswer,butIsay,"No,thankyou."

"You'dratherrunandfetchand—"hestarts.

"Ihaveworktodo."

Hepalmsthecupofcoffee,therimmeetshislips,andheswallowslong.NotevenCococanresist

theshow.AsthoughsurprisedI'mstillstandingthereheasks,"IthoughtyouhadtohelpMr.Douchewith
hisdrycleaning?"

Cocoletsoutthecombinationofagaspandagiggleandthenbreezesintoheroffice,obviously

flustered.

Ibarricademyselfwithcrossedarmsinfrontofmychest."Whatareyoudoinghere?"Iask.

"Itoldyou,Ihadameeting."

"Here?"

"Yes,here.WithCoco—"hesayswithamusement.

"Why?"

"MissCartoonton—"Mr.Bouchecallsfromhisoffice.

BeforeIstormoff,CarrickmouthsthewordsMr.Douche.

I'dliketosleepthroughthenextdaysoIdon'triskseeingCarrickattheoffice.Fortunately,he'snot

there,buteverytimesomeoneaddressesMr.Bouche,alaughbubblesonmylips,makingitsoIcan
almosttoleratehimbutcheringmylastname.

IscrapethroughWednesday,findingmyselfwhirlingaroundeverytimeheavyfootstepsapproach

downthehall.Istartlewhenthephonerings.Mystomachcartwheelswhentheelevatordoorssuction
open.ButIdon'tseehim.Thankgoodness.

Thatevening,Katya,notonlymybestfriendwithmybestinterestsinmind,butalsomyroommate,

meaningIcan'tescapeher,remindsmeofmypendingyogaanddinnerdate.She'llhavenoneofmy
excusesorwanderingsaroundthehouseasIprocrastinategoingoutwithSpencer—theHottiein7G.

"I'mnotmeetinghimuntilsix.Foracouple'syogaclass."Ibrushmyhandsdownmyface."HowdidI

letmyselfgettalkedintothis?"Iask,edgingmywaybacktomyroom.

"HaveyouseenSpencerlately?"

"Ofcourse.Helivesdownthehall.Isawhimyesterdayintheelevator.Awkward,"Isingsong.

"There'llbenoavoidingwhat'ssuretobemoreofthosemomentsintheforeseeablefutureunlessoneof
usmoves."

"Let'shopenot."Herliddedeyessuggestreverie."He'sgoingtoputyourighttonight,Navy."

Myeyeswidenatthesuggestion.

"Ohyes."Shelicksherlips.

"Didyousneakovertohisapartmentandsubmitanindecentproposal?"

"No,butnotabadidea.Spencerisadealmaker.Acloser.Everythinghedoesisdonetogetresults.

Youmightsayhe'sthekindofmanwhoappreciatesareturnonhisinvestments."

Ishakemyhead."We'readdingsextothepressureoftonight?Isn'titenoughjustformetokeepfrom

fartinginclass?"

Shetriesnottosmileandthensays,"Notjustsex.SexwithSpencer."Herwordsareitalicizedand

punctuated.

"Whatdoesthatmean?"

"You'llbetellingmeinthemorning."

Kathasmebathed,moisturized,anddressedinthesexiestyogaclothesinhercloset.Sheprimesme

onconversationstartersandresponses."Doyourememberhowtokiss?"

"Kat!"Mymouthfallsopen.

"No,notlikethat."

Irehingemyjaw."Iwasn'tdemonstrating."It'sbeenalongtime,butthebriefbrushofmylipsagainst

Carrick'stheotherday,remindsmeIhaven'tforgottenthewayitmakesmefeel.Iswallow.

"Whyareyousmilinglikethat?"sheasks.

"Likewhat?"

"Youwereabouttobitemyheadoffandnowyou'redimpling."

"Dimpling?"Iask.

"Therare,dimpledsmileI'veonlyseenahandfuloftimes."

"Iamnotsmiling,"Iadamantlyrefute.

Shegrabshercoat.

"Whereareyougoing?"

"Ihavetoteachaclass,butIwantafullreport.Seeyoulater.Andbesafe,"shesays,chuckinga

condomatmebeforewhiskingintothehallway."It'slikeridingabike,"shecallsafterthedoorbangs
shut.

Howdidthishappen?

Copiousamountsofalcohol.

Peerpressure.

Aweakresolve.

Loneliness.

Acheckmarkinallfourboxes.

Ipacearoundtheapartment.

AreSpencerandIsupposedtogoovertotheclasstogether?Itwouldbeweirdifwebothleftfrom

thesamebuilding,butdidn'tmeetupfirst.Maybehe'sleavingfromtheoffice?Orperhapsheforgota
changeofclothesandwillknockonthedoor?Mypalmssweat.Mythroatisdry.MylegjittersandIfeel
likeImightbounceoutofmyskin.

Howdoadultsdothisdatingthingwithoutamassivedoseoftranquilizers?

Kattextsme,remindingmetoleave,orI'llbelate.MypacingcarriesmetothedoorbeforeIcantalk

myselfoutofit.

I'mmanhandledtwiceinthefullsubwaycar:oncebyanoctogenarianwhoalmostfelloverwhenthe

trainstoppedabruptlyandoncebyatoddlerwhowasfascinatedbythemetallicstripesonmypants.Even
dressedlikeKatyaIdon'tquitehavethesameallure.

Iwaitintheshortlinebythesign-indeskatthestudio.Hipstersandaginghippiesfilltheroomin

pairs.There'sonethreesome.Theguyhasascragglybeardandthetwochicksfawnoverhimlikehe's
theirguru.Fingerscrossedhe'snottheteacherorI'moutofhere.

There'snosignofSpencerafterIpaysoIhurrytothebathroomforaprivatemomenttopreventany

embarrassingincidentsinvolvingsuddengustsofwind.There'sbothamanandwomanfigureonthe
lockeddoorsignifyingit'soccupied.Iwait,glancingovermyshoulderforSpencer,beingsurenotto
makeeyecontactwiththehippieménageatrois.

ThedoorknobclicksandIturnaround,steppingheadfirstintoabroadchest.

"Oh,hello,"Carricksaysasthoughrunningintoeachothermultipletimesinthelastweekisn't

unusual.

"Thisisstartingtofreakmeout."

Hesmirks.Damnthatsmirk.Thememoryofthewayhislipliftsandhiseyesnarrowlikehe'slanded

onsomethingbothfascinatinganddesirable,mayhavefadedwithtime,butmybodydidn'tforget.There's
heat.Alotofheat."Whatareyoudoinghere?"Iask.

"Yoga."

Myeyesnarrowthistime."It'sacouple'sclass."

"TheladyatthecountertoldmethatafterIpaid."

"You'renotmeetingsomeone?"Iask.

"You?Whatarethechanceswe'drunintoeachotherinManhattan,whatdoesthismake?Fourtimes

sinceIgotback?"

"Strangecoincidence."

"Fortuitous."There'sthatdamnsmirkagain.

Katyaandtheyogateacherwouldprobablysayithassomehigher,universalreason,likeIneedto

trulyletgoofthepast.Isuddenlysenseapresencebehindme,likeashadowpunctuatingthisastruth.
"Hi,Navy,"Spencersays."Ihopeyouhaven'tbeenwaitinglong."

Inthenarrowhall,withCarrickononesideandSpencerontheotherI'mthemushyfillingofahot

mansandwich.Idon'tknowwheretolookorwhattosay.Hands,ceiling,chests,lips.You'dthinkthe
countlesshoursIspendreadingaboutsituationslikethisI'datleastknowhowtohandlemyself.

Mybreathisachoppymess.

SpencerextendshishandandintroduceshimselftoCarrick.They'rebothascoolasapairof

cucumbers.Whichmakesmethinkofother,similarlyshaped,ahem,things.Mycheeksturnashade
pinker,andIstareatmybarefeetwonderingifI'mheadedtowardafullbodyblush.

Thetwoguysaretalkingaboutagolftournamentwheretheirfatherscompetedforcharity—howthey

madethatconnectioninthetwominuteswe'vebeenstandinghere,Ihavenoidea—themoneyedand
renownedhaveradarforeachother.

Thankfully,theyogateachercallsusintostart.I'monmymatbetweenCarrickandSpencer.Idon't

envythehippieguyandhistwowomen.Notthatthat'swhatthisis,butmypalmssweat,myheadsweats,
mybutt,forgoodnesssakes,issweatingaswemovefromdownwarddog,tochatturanga,toupwarddog
forthemillionthtime.

Ipushmyselfintoanotherplank,mostlybecausetheinstructorhasenviablebiceps,butsodoes

Carrick,tomyright,andSpencertomyleft.

Atlast,whentheteacherhasthegoodgracetomoveusintothefinalrestingpose,splayedonour

backs,Ichantinnerpeace,innerpeace,justsoIdon'tfallasleep,orfart.Ifeeleyesonme.Likewhen
you'reinacarandlookoveratthepassingvehicleandthedriverhappenstobelookingatyou—it'slikea
sixthsense.Iblinkopenaneye.

Carrick'sblueeyesaredarkinthelowlight.Myheartthundersinmychesteventhoughwe'velong

sincedonethecooldown.Hestretcheshishandtowardmine,squeezes,andthengetsupandleaves.

Thepinkysideofmyrighthandtingles.It'slikehetattooedhisnamethere.

It'sadotthatconnectstomylipswherehismetmine.

Toadotonmyarmwherehetouchedit.

Toadotonmywaistwhenhelassoedmefromimminentperilinvolvingiceandabus.

MyhandstilltingleswhenwepressourpalmstogetherandsayNamaste.ItstilltinglesafterIget

dressed.IttingleswhenIstuffitinamittenandSpencerandIareoutonthestreet.Whenwereachthe
restaurant,myhanddistractsmewhileIbrowsethemenuattachedtoacedarplank.

Focus,Navy.IreadSpencer'slips,hisvoicemakingsoundsliketrufflebutter,asiago,andsirloin,but

Iforgetwhatitallmeans.

Myattentiononlygelswhenhesaysmyname."Navy,tellmewhatyoudo."

"Yougofirst,"Ihedge.

"It'llboreyououtofyourmind."Nonetheless,hegivesmeanoverviewofhisjobataninvestment

firmandhighlightshisquarterlytripstotropicalislandstohookthewhales—wealthycaptainsof
industry,notthemammals—untilourdrinkscome.

"IworkforaPRfirm.Albright,Douche,Carlotta,andassociates."

Spencerpracticallychokesonhisdrink."Douche?"

"Bouche.Imeant,Bouche,"Isay,fightingbetweenlaughter,embarrassment,andthevisionof

Carrick'slipsmouthingtheword.

Ireverttheconversationbacktohistripsoverseas,islandlife,extravagance,andopulence.It'sfunto

liveinhisworldforthespaceofanhourwhilewedineandsipwine.Thegreens,whites,andbrownsin
therustic,farmtotablerestauranttakeonarosyhue.

"NowIknowwhatyoudo,tellmewhatyouliketodo."Thistimemycheeksturnred.Thatcango

downinthebooksasoneoftheworstlinesever.IactuallygroanasItrytorecovermydignity."Imean,
inyoursparetime,"Isay.

Heswirlstheremainderofhisoak-agedwhisky."IthinkwebothknowwhatIliketodoinmyspare

time."Hiseyebrowfollowstheangleofthecornerofhislip,hisdarkeyesburnintomine,sendingaflare
throughmycenterthatpracticallysplitsmeintwo."Shallwe?"heasks.

Andthat'sthat.I'mdrunk.I'mgoingtogetlaid.Ifonlylifewasalwaysthiseasy.

He'saperfectgentleman,insistingonpayingthedinnerbill,openingthedoorformeonthecabride

backtoourbuilding,andmakingsweetlyengagingconversationaswechatontheelevator.

It'snotuntilwe'rebehindthelockeddoorofhisapartmentthatheturnsintoasex-crazedanimal.He

tearsatmyblouse,tosseshisownshirtoverhisshoulder,andI'mnearlyinhisroomandoutofmy
clothes,whencuriosityaboutwhathisapartmentlookslikedistractsme.Whatdoesapersonwiththis
amountofconfidenceandappetitelivelike?Isitasdescribedinbooksandmovies?Masculineandcold?
Angularandsymmetrical?Iglanceovermyshoulderatmoodygraysandstainlesssteel,butbeforeIcan
getfurtherconfirmation,hereelsmeintohisroomandtossesmeonthebed.

He'sonallfours,hoveringoverme,plantingahungrykisshere,alustykissthere.Hestrokesandrubs

inalloftherightplaces.Hecaressesandlicks.He'sdominant,incontrol,fullyawareofwhathelikes
andmoreimportantly,whatwomenlike—whatIdon'tevenrealizeIlikeuntilhedoesit.

He'spreparedwithcondomsandIadmiretheeaseandspeedwithwhichheputsiton.Heslidesinto

meandthrustsafewtimes.Igroan.Icallouthisname.Iaminheaven.Myhandsclawhisback.Theone
ontheright,intheplaceclosetothepinky,tingles.

Carrick'simagepopsintomindjustasIexplodewiththefirstfullbodied,screamoutloudorgasm

I'vehadinyears.

Chapter10

Carrick

Damn.AllIcanthinkaboutisthatfuckingdimplewhenshesmiles.Howsheusedtoalwayssmile

beforemysister,halftheschool,andIhumiliatedherbynotlettingherknowthatmyassholebest
friend—herboyfriend—wascheatingonher,alot.

I'vecarriedtheregretofnotlookingbacktobootcamp,broughtitinthebedroom,overseas,to

war,backhome,andevennowwitheverybeatofmydeterminedheart.

Ihavehernumber.Whenshechangedit,allIhadtodowasaskhermomforthenewone.Idon't

knowifMrs.Carringtonkneweverythingthathappenedbetweenus.Butshemusthaveknownmy
intentionswerehonestotherwiseshewouldn'thavegivenittome.I'venearlypresseddialathousand
timesovertheyears.

Ican'terasethedisappointmentinhereyes,inthewayshefadedintoherarmor,intoangerand

hurt.ThelettersshesentthatIneverreturnedrevealedherfeelings.Shewasbrave.Iwasacoward,
evenasIfoughtforourcountry.

WhenIsawhertheotherday,Ialmostdidn'trecognizehershadowed,sadface,butthenshe

flashedthatdimple.IknewIhadtofixthings.ItwasthererightbeforeIplacedmylipsonhers.It
appearedwhenIsqueezedherhand.Sheneedstoknowshedidn'tdoanythingwrong.Itwasallme.All
fuckingidiot,assholeme.

Idon'texpecthertoforgiveme,butI'lldamnwelltry.Sayingalame,"I'msorry"forthehundredth

timewon'tdoit.Evenifshe'shappywiththeinvestmentbanker,shedeservestobefreeoftheburden
weshare.However,Iknowguysandheseemstobemorethebusinessandpleasuretypethantohave
andtohold.

AndifIknowNavyCatherineCarringtonandIdo,oratleastdid,thenIknowshewantstobe

lovedandadored.Shedeservestobe.Sheshouldbetreatedlikeaprincessandaqueen.She'ssmart,
beautiful,creative,andeverythingassholeslikeZachandIdon'tdeserve.

Spencerseemslikeamemberofmyoldcrew:theplayers,bastards,dogs.Ineverhadalong-term

girlfriendinhighschoolorcollegeandthatwastodistractmefromwhoIcouldn'thave.Meaningless
sexwaseasierthantolongforthegirlwhocouldneverbemine.

WhileIwasinEurope,Iusedupallthepissandfirefrommyyouthandnowpreferaquietnightin,

abottleofwine,awarmfire,maybeamovie,agameofcards,poetry…

Ifanyofmybrothersorbuddiescaughtmerightnow,sittingaloneinacafé,daydreaminglike

this,they'dhavethelaughoftheirlives.Likely,they'reoffthesouthcoastofFrance,intheCaribbean,
orontheslopes,waitingforasnowbunnyortwo.

Andit'sallbecauseofagirlnamedNavywonmyheart.

WhatIwantmorethananythingistohelpridheroftheshadowsinhers.Shehasonefootinthe

past—I'veknownhermostofmylifeandsayingshe'sstubbornisanunderstatement.Andagoodthing
too.Shewouldn'tletusgoswimmingduringalightningstormonesummer.Threetreescaughtfirethat
couldhavebeenthreeKennelyboys.Shepetitionedandpicketedwhendeveloperswantedtobuilda
brandnewhighschool,demolishingthehistoriconeforcondos.Itturnsoutitwasattachedtoa
NativeAmericanburialsiteandshesavedabeautifuloldbuildingandsacredland.Despiteeverything
thathappenedduringhersenioryear,sheofferedthemostbeautifulandmovingwordsatmysister's
funeral.

It'stimesheliveherlife,withoutpainandguilt—andme,butfirstIhavetomakeitright.

She'sprobablystillonherdate.She'sprobablyscrewingtheguy.Ifso,he'sdamnlucky.I've

dreamtandfantasizedabouthermoretimesthanisdecent.Yes,evenwhenshedatedmybestfriend,
whichmakesmejustasguiltyashim.Yes,Iimaginethefeelofherskinundermyfingers,herlipson
mine.It'salwaysher.

But.Andit'sabigbut,nothers—thoughIdoappreciateherbackside,especiallyinthoseskinny

jeanssheusedtowear—shehatesme.

Idon'tblameher.I'mnotagoodperson.

Overtheyearswhenitcomesupinconversation,peopletrytoexplainitaway,shewasjustmadat

thetime.Itwasalottodealwith.Overwhelmingtragedyandsoon.

Theydon'tknowthefullstory.Iknowwithoutadoubt,thatshehatesme.ButwhatIlearnedduring

mytimeintheMarines,reinforcedbymyrecentyogapractice—helpssettlemymind—,andinthe
wisdompassedalongtomefromGrandmaKennelybeforeshepassedaway,isthathateonlyhurtsthe
personwhohates.

Idon'tlikethefactthatshedespisesme,butmorethananything,it'stakingawayfromher

happiness.Suckingawayherenergyandkeepingthatdimpledsmilefromherface.Iwanthernotto
feelthatway.Idon'tmeantosoundarrogant.Shedoesn'thavetolovemeorlikemeeven,butIwant
hertohaveclosure.ToknowthatIwasstupid,nother.Shewasn'tatfaulteventhoughIknowshe
carriestheburdenofguilt.Idon'twanthertoavoidholidaygatheringsbackhomebecauseofme.Or
theclambakesinthesummerwhenshevisitsherparents.

Iclickonmyphonewithmythumbhoveringoverthecallbutton.I'vecomethisclosesomany

times.Ihavetomanup.We'reinthesamecity.We'verunintoeachotherrepeatedly…

Withoutmakingthecall,IwalkbacktotheAirbnbI'mrentingwhileintownformeetings.I'm

makingitmymissiontohelprelieveNavyofthethingsthatkeepherfromsmilingthatamazing,
fuckingdimpledsmile.

Aftergrabbingacontainerofleftoversfromthefridge,IturnonSportsCenter,glancingatmy

phoneeveryfewminutes.

Imovemysorryassfromthecouchtothebed,layingonthecrispsheetswithmythoughtswhirling

withwhatifs,maybes,andthatbriefkissandthebravemomentwhenIsqueezedherhandbefore
leavingtheyogaclassearlytospareusfurtherembarrassmentwhensheandherdatelefttogether.

Shedoesn'thaveaFacebookpage,neverhas.Shedroppedoutoftouchwithmybrothersandthe

peopleweknewbackinhighschool.Atfamilyget-togethers,mymotherhasgleanedfromhersthat
she'sstillsingle,muchtoMrs.Carrington'sdisappointment.

Oncemore,myfingerhoversoverthecallbutton.Ican'tbringmyselftodoit.Idon'twanttoruin

hernight,inspiremoreanger,orkeepherfromsleeping.

Instead,Ilaythereinbed,sad,alone,andawake.

Chapter11

BlogsandSausages

I'venevertakenthewalkofshamebefore,butthankfully,myfirstjauntfromaman'sapartmentwith

messyhair,smudgedmakeup,andclothesaskewisshort.Nineteenstepsdoortodoortobepreciseand
it'snotevenmidnight.

Katyaisanotoriouslysoundsleeper.Incollege,thedormhadtoevacuatebecauseofafirealarm.IfI

hadn'twokenher,savingherlife,shewouldhavesleptrightthroughit.Ididn'treallysaveherlife
becauseitturnedoutnottobeafire.Someidiotonthefifthfloorthoughtitwouldbefunnytoseeallof
thegirlsintheirpajamasatthreea.m.

Nonetheless,Iturnthedoorknoblikeacatburglar,creepacrosstheoldwoodenfloor—thecreaksare

loudestinthehallway—andintomyroomwithoutincident.NotonlydoInotwanttowakeher,Ineed
sometimetoprocesswhatjusthappenedbeforeIgivehertheplay-by-playshe'ssuretodemand.

Isinkontomybedandtossmybagandheelsinthecornerbythecloset.Iglimpsemyselfinthemirror

andasmilespreadsacrossmylips,lightingupmydarkeyes.IjusthadsexwithSpencer.Idon'teven
knowhislastname.Well,technicallyIdo,it'sDavis,becausehismailboxisnexttooursandit'slabeled,
butinthecourseofgeneralconversation,names,birthdates,backgrounddetailsweren'texchanged,which
ifyou'reme,isprettydarnscandalous.Groundbreaking.Earthshattering.Itfeelskindofbadass.Mysmile
turnsintoaKat-likesmirkandIfeeljustalittlebitpowerful.

MydresspuddlesonthefloorandIreplaceitwithasweatshirtandleggings.Iinstantlyfeelmorelike

myselfandlesslikeanempoweredwomaninchargeofherdomain.Isigh.ButwhenIknotmyhairontop
ofmyhead,thatsparkstillshinesbehindmyeyes.Nope,I'vestillgotit,sweatsandall.

I'mtoowiredtosleepsoIdon'tbothertrying.Itrytofindabooktoreadtosettlemymind,but

recountingmyrecentrealityisfarmoreintriguing.Hungrykissing,fingerstrailingskin,discarded
underwear.IimagineSpencerhasacollectionbecausethewayhecarelesslythrewmyclothesaround
makesmewonderhowmanywomenleavefullydressed.

Howmanywomen?Iswallow.Howmanyhashebeenwith?I'veseentwoandweonlymovedinlast

weekend.Thatmakesmethethird,atleast,thisweek.Ipushthegatheringcrowdofwomenfrommy
mind,assuredbythefactthatweusedprotection,andreturntotheblissfulmomentsofourbodiesmoving
together.Therewasoral.Therewerefingers.Therewasanoteworthymemberofthemaleanatomy
involvedthatI'verarelyseenthelikesofinreallife.Iclosemyeyes,recallingthefeeling.Theburstingof
lightthroughthedarknessfeeling.Theexplosion.Thedeepcalmafterward.

AndCarrick'sface,appearingatthatprecisemoment.Icouldanalyzethesignificance,butoneofmy

bestskillsnotnotedonmyresumeisavoidance,soIpushhimfrommymind,returningtoSpencer'slips
onmine,hisstrongjawline,hiscapablehands…Therecentmemorycreatesanexcitingtinglingbelow
mybelly.AsmilepushesitswayontomyfaceasIrecountthoseblissfulmoments—thenCarrickshows
upagain.Ifeelthesparkwhenhislipsgrazedmine.Thebuzzofhistouchduringtheyogaclassonmy

hand.Can'tagirlrevelinhersexinessforaminutewithouttheghostsofthepast?Anattractiveghost,but
anuisancenonetheless.Ilistthereasonswhymyheadwon'tcooperate:

Sensoryoverload.

Exhaustion.

Toomuchwine.

Adateforthefirsttimeinyears!

Theseareallreasonableexplanationswhymybrainisabitconfused,right?Thesolution:sleep.I

tuckundermycovers,closemyeyes,andoncemorereturntoSpencer'skingsizedbed,coolandcrispin
mymemory.Thedapplednighttimeglowofthecitycastedhiminshadowandlight.Hisstrongarms
wrappedconfidentlyaroundme,hispelvispressedagainstmine,and…

FuckingCarrick.

No,notfuckingfucking.FuckingCarrickruinsitagain.Hischiseledjawline,theperfectbalanceof

ruggedandpolishedgoodlooks.Thatfuckingslysmile.Igroaninfrustration.IfonlyIcoulderasehis
facefromthewhiteboardofmymind.IfIcoulddeleteeverythingthathappened.Awavegoodbye—see
younever.Buttodothatwouldrequiretheuseofmylipsandmyhandandit'slikehemarkedmewithhis
touch.

Irally.Me,NavyCatherineCarrington,justdidthedeedwithmyhotneighbor,who—thoughmy

experienceisminimal—wasbyallaccountsasexgod.Ineedtocelebratethisaccomplishmentandnot
thinkofstupidCarrickaminutelonger.

Iopentheboxofhighschoolmemoriesanddigaroundformyyearbooks.Ifindtheonefromjunior

year,whenCarrickgraduatedandfliptotheKs.Withapermanentmarker,Iblackoutafewofhisteeth,
givehimaneyepatch,drawsomestinklines,andaddsomewartstotheendofhisnose.Thenforgood
measure,Icirclehisphotoandthendrawalinethroughit.

"That'sbetter,"Ihuffandtossthebookbacktowardthebox,butitglancesofftheside.AsI

reconfigurethecontents,thewireendofTheBoyfriendBookstabsmyfinger.

"Figures."

MemoriesofClairepinchthecornersofmyeyes.Shewentalittleboycrazyanddraggedmealong

fortheride.Iflipopentothefirstpage.ShewasheadoverheelsforthiskidMike.Heneededtofloss.
ThenitwasAdam.HefellasleepduringMrs.Smythe'shealthlectureandstarteddrooling.Afterthat,she
movedontoNoahandhebrokeitoffwhenasenioraskedhimtotheprom.Turnedouttobeajoke.
Claire'sboyfriendisdeadtoo.

Iwipemyeyes.Ididn'thavemyfirstkissuntileighthgradeandthatwaswithmybestfriend'sbrother

duringanill-advisedgameoftruthordare.Yes,Carrickwasmyfirstkiss.Myfirstofmanythings.Maybe
IshouldgoalittleboycrazyandreallytakeupKat'sdare.

Inarushofexhaustedfrustrationanddetermination,Iopenmylaptop.TheBoyfriendBookBlog.Yes,

I'llrecounttheexperienceofdatenumberone,etchingitindigitalinkwiththehopethatitwilldelete
Carrick'spresence.

Afteratutorialandafewfalsestarts,Icreateablog.

Worthyofascenefromoneofmyfavoritenovels,IrecounthowSpencerrolledmeoverinoneswift

motion,howhelickedandlapped,andhowIrecommendyogaforoptimalflexibilityinadvanceofan
experienceliketheoneIhadwithhimbecausethere'snowaymylegwouldhavegoneoverhead
otherwise.Thisbringsmebacktothecouple'sclassandCarrickonhismatnexttome.

"Go,"Isay."Getlost."

Somethingsilkysoftbrushesmyanklefollowedbyameow."Notyou,Mew,"Isay,pickingupthecat

andscratchingbehindhisears."IwastalkingtothisstupidguyI'vehadacrushonsinceIwasoldenough
toknowwhatacrushwas.Youknowwhat?Heturnedouttobenotsogreat.I'veheardhimbelch.I've
watchedhimscratchhisjunk,pigoutonnachos,talkwithhismouthfull.I'veseenhimsick,sad,tired.I
practicallygrewupwithhim.I'veseenenoughtoknowthathe'sanasshole.Mew,never,everdatean
asshole."

WhenIrealizeI'mtalkingtothecat,Iturnbacktothecomputer.ThenImakealist.I'maworld-class,

A+listmaker.Butminearen'tordinary,bulletpointlists;they'redetailedwithpros,cons,intricaciesthat
assistindecisionmaking,doing,andgettingresults.SometimestheyinvolveaVenndiagram.Ishould
probablymakeonetofindareplacementformycurrentemploymentsituation.(Notetoself.)

IopenTheBoyfriendBookandcopydownasystemClairemadetoassessourcrushes.Itypeupthe

ABCs:appearance,behavior,andconnection.Itturnsintomoreofasummary,notentirelyunlikethe
datingprofilesKatshowedmeearlier.

#1TheHottiein7G(namechangedforprivacy)

Appearance:fit,tan,chiseledfeatures,brownhair,andadrool-inducingphysiqueusually

coveredupinathree-piecesuitandtiebefittinghisinvestmentbankerstatus,damnnearperfect.

Behavior:charming,confident,respectful,engagingconversationalist.

Connection:inthebedroom,mostdefinitely,buthe'smostlikelyaplayer,whichobviouslywon't

workformelongterm.It'sbeenobservedbyprofessionalsinthefieldthatIamaswannota
peacock/hen.

Igoalittledeeperintothedate,scanningmymindfordetailsthewayClaireobsessedoverher

crushes.WhenSpencerwasindownwarddogatyoga,Inoticedhehadincrediblytighthamstrings.He
alsohadastress-inducinghabitofholdingabiteoffoodonhisforkwhiletalking—hewasinlimbo-land
withthebitofmashedpotatobalancingonthetinesofthefork.Icouldn'thelpbutworryitwasgoingto
fallintohiswaterglass.

Iwritethesedowninanotessectionofthesummary.IfI'mgoingtofullyinvolvemyselfinKat'sdare

—goingonseveraldatesleadinguptopotentiallyspendingValentine'sDaywithoneoftheseguys—,I
needasystemtokeeptrackofeachofthem.Luckyforme,Ico-createdonebackinjuniorhighschool.

ThemostimportantpartofClaire'sassessmentswasthestarrating.Forafirstdate,followedby

amazingsex,I'dsayitwasfivestars,butifI'mlookingfortheperfectdate,thenit'sonlyrighttocounta
fewdetractors:he'sawell-dressedplayerandwe'reneighbors,whichcomplicatesthings.Also,I'm
almosttheoppositeofthewomenI'veseenleavinghisplace:leggy,exotic,withlongsilkyhair,andegos

fordays.

Itapoutfourandahalfasterisksnexttohisname.Itiltmyhead,feelingtheoverallaestheticis

lacking,especiallywhencomparedtoClaire'sperfectfive-pointedstarsinTheBoyfriendBook.

IfoolaroundonPhotoshop,creatingnavybluestars.Theblogshouldhaveaproperbanneratthetop.

IgetcarriedawaycreatingonefortheBoyfriendBookBloginsoftnavyblueandgold,withatouchof
pinktounderscoretheValentine'sDaycomponent.

IwriteupabriefexplanationofKat'sdareformetodatethefirstfive—nofour—guysIsawtheday

afterwemovedintoourapartment.Iemphasizethedatingdryspellandhowthiswasacleanslate.

Inaquestionablebrainwave,mostlybecauseofthelatehour,Iinvitereaderstovoteforthebestguy,

likemyownlittleversionoftheBachelorette.I'mloyaltotheBachelor,andwon'tdenywatchingevery
season,butI'venevermissedanepisodeoftheBacheloretteeither.

Iscrapetogetherabio:collegegraduate,assistantataPRfirm,livingwithherbestfriendandacat.

NotexactlylivingtheNewYorkCitydream.

Ileanbackinmychair.Idon'tknowwhatmydreamwas.Is.Couldbe.There'salwayssomuchwell-

meaningencouragementtofollowyourdreams,buthowevervividtheyoncewereorwhatevertheyare
now,it'slikeIcan'tremembertheminthemorning.

*

Iwakejustafterdawntothebeepingofsomethingthatisn'tmyalarmclock.ThefirstthingIseeismy

sleepingcomputerscreen,andwhenIpeelmycheekfromthekeyboard,itlightsuptotheBoyfriendBook
BlogpagerevealinghowIspentseveralsex-drunkhours.

"I'myourmorningwakeupcall,"Katsays.Thebeepingshe'smakingwithhermouthturnsintoa

whistleasKattiltsherheadinquestionatthewebsiteonthescreen."Thisisnotadogadoptionwebsite.
NavyCarrington,whathaveyoubeenupto?Isawthewordcockanditwasn'tfollowedbySpaniel.I
takeityouhadagoodnight."

ShereachesovermyshoulderandbeforeIcanstopher,sheunplugsmycomputerfromthepower

supply,picksitup,andrushesfrommyroom,calling,"Thisisbetterthanthemorningnews."

"Comeback,"Isayweakly.Butthedamageisdone.WhattheheckwasIthinking?Iwasn'tthinking.

Orrather,Iwasthinking,butaboutmenandsexanddatingandthisisexactlywhyIdon'tdoit.Ittakesup
toomuchheadspace,makesmedostupidthings,andstayupwaytoolate.

Nevermindthecastoffruinsofmyheart.

Iinhale,smoothmyhair,andgotothekitchen.Kat'sperchedatthecenterislandwithagreenjuicein

handandthecomputerinfrontofher.There'sasecondjuiceinfrontoftheotherstool.Itakeasipand
gag.

"Spirulina.It'sreallygoodforyou,especiallyyourliver,"Katsayspointedly."Yousmelllikeyouhit

thewinebottlehard."

"Ineedeggs,greasyeggs."Ibillowmysweatshirtandtakeadiscretesniff."Andashower.Yeah,

therewaswinelastnight."

"Howaboutwegoforbreakfastandyoutellmeallaboutit."

"IthinkyoujustreadeverythingbecauseI'manidiotandpublisheditontheinternet!"Icupmyhands

overmyface.

Katclickssomethingonthescreenandsays,"Meandninety-twopeople.Notbadforafirstblogthat's

onlybeenliveforafewhours.Probablyvoyeurs,lonelyhousewives,girlswho'resingle."

"Likeme."

"No,Navy,you'rebackinthegame!"Shecheers.

Isnarl.

"Comeon,somesausagewillputasmileonthoselips.Ohwait,italreadydid.Badumdum."She

movesherhandslikeshe'sbangingadrumandthenlaughs.

"Fine,butIcan'tbelateforwork.Mr.Douche—"

Kat'slaughterisloudenoughtowaketheentirebuilding.

IwillnotthinkaboutCarrick,Kennely.IwillnotthinkaboutCarrickKennely."ImeanMr.Bouche

waspissedyesterday."

"Mr.Bouche?Douche?ThatisgeniusandbygeniusImeanhilarious."

"YoucanthankCarrick,notthatIwantto."

Sheshootslasereyesatme."Whatdon'tIknow?"

Igiveheratwo-minuterecapofmyrescueontheiceandthecoffeetalkinthehall.

"Iseedimples,Navy,"Katsays,butIrushintothebathroomandtakeashower.

*

Theonlywaytoleavethebuilding,asidefromthefireescape,isbywalkingpastSpencer'sdoor.

"AmIgoingtohavetotiptoeeverytimeIgodownthehall?"Iwhisper,frozenonthethreshold.

"No.Youaregoingtopowerwalklikethepowerfulwomanyouare."

Idon'tmove.

"Comeon.Don'tbeembarrassed.Wait,youdidn'tfartdidyou?"

Iwhackher."No,ofcoursenot,Angi."

"Didyourememberhoweverythingworked?"

"Yes,andhadIgottenconfused,hewould've—"Withoutfinishingmysentence,Idashpasthisdoor

andtowardtheelevator.

"Mykindofman,"shepurrs.

Wemakeitoutofthebuildingwithoutincident,butIcarefullyconsidertheusageofthefireescapefor

futureindoor/outdooraccess.It'snotthatI'membarrassedbymyperformanceinbed,itwasfine,Ithink.

Hedidn’tseemtomind.I'mmoreconcernedwithwhatIshouldsay.Doweacknowledgeit?Willwe
flirt?Willweignoreeachotherasthoughhehasn'ttastedmymuffinandIhaven'tseenhissausage?

Seatedinthevinylboothatthedinerdownthestreet,Isparenodetailinthereportofmyhotdate

withSpencer,theHottiein7G,exceptone,Carrick.

Chapter12

SugarandCookies

Katwalksmetothesubwaystationandmytoesarealreadygettingcold.

"It'scolderthananicecreamheadache,"Katsays."Andyou,Navybean,areonfire.Litup.Thatsex

lastnightwasajumpstart."

"Icouldarguethatitwastheamazingyogaclass."

"Yogaisprettyamazing,ifIdosayso.ButsoisSpencer,"shetrills.

"Idon'tthinkhe'sValentine'sDaydatematerial."

"Ican'tbelieveyouactuallybloggedit."

"Latenightmistake,itwillbedeleted."

"No,pleasedon't.Comeon,thisisfun."Shelinksherarminmine."Isn'titfun?Andyoudon'twantto

bealoneforever."

"You'restartingtosoundlikemymother."

"Ouch.Sorry.Dialingbackthepressure.Let'sjustseewhereitgoes,huh?"

Ishrug.Idon'twanttobealoneforever.IhaveKatandMewfornow,butthere'snoknowingwhen

they'llmoveon,whichmeansI'llhavetomovebackinwithmyparents.Iwon'tbealonethen,butI'llstill
belonely.

"So,who'snext?Ah,yes,theMan-bun-barista,"Katsayswithapersistentsmile.

"Remember,Ilosthisnumber,"Ihedge,tryingtogetoutofit.

"Youwouldn'tcallanyway."

"True."

"We'llgrabsomecoffeeandsetitup."

Isquirmuncomfortably."I'drathercall.Orbetteryet,text."

"ThenI'llneedtogethisnumberagain."Shewinks.

"Ihavenodoubtyouwill."

Shewrinkleshernose."Justsoyouknow,he'snotmytype."

"He'ssoyourtype,"Isay."They'reallyourtype!"

"Butwhat'syours?That'swhatweneedtofigureout."

Anunwelcomeface,kissedbythesunnomattertheseason,withfulllips,astrongjaw,andthebright

blueeyessharedbyallofhissiblingspopsintomind.Iglancearound."Um,NewYorkKnick'shat,
leathergloves,brownparka."

"Navy,you'redescribingthatguyoverthere."Shepoints.ThemanIwasdescribingturnsaround,

revealingabulgingbelly,strainingthezipperonhiscoat."Andno.Iwillnotletthatbeyourtype."

Icringe.

"I'malwayslookingoutforyou,kid."

"Hey,I'molderthanyou."

"Bythreemonths.Imeanttotellyou,I'mgoingtohavetoleaveMewtobabysityouthisweekend."

"Whereareyougoing?"

"WeekendyogaretreatupinNewEngland.Hey,ifyouwanttogetoutoftown,Icouldseeifthere's

stillspaceavailable."

Ishakemyhead.Ihavetosavemypennies,foronethingandIwon'tmindhavingtheapartmentto

myselffortheweekend.Bookswon'tdothingslikedaremetodateguys.

*

IgouptowntothelibraryonSaturdayafternoonandstockuponbooksasthefirstsnowflakesofa

winterstormdescend.Iusuallybuymybooksfromtheindieshop,butwanttoavoidhavingtosetupa
datewiththeclerk.Plus,borrowingsavesmoneyandcompelsmetoreadmorebecauseIdon'twant
overduefines.BythetimeImakemywaybacktotheapartment,thesnowenvelopsthegrayafternoonin
adownywhiteblanket.Istopbythemarketandpickupchocolatechips,milk,butter,andcreamcheese.
Asnowynightwithastackofnewbooksdefinitelyrequireswarmcookiesandmilk.

Oncecozyinleggingsandfuzzyslippers,Iturnupthemusicandgetoutalloftheingredientstomake

mygrandmother'sfamouscookierecipe.Hersecretingredientwascreamcheeseandmymouthwaters
anticipatingtakingabitefreshfromtheoven.

I'mabouttocreamthebutter,creamcheese,andsugar,whenImeasureitandcomeupshort.Icheck

thelittlebowlbythecoffeemaker,butit'sempty.

IsneakpastSpencer'sdoorandknockonthedoorfarthestdownthehall.Rabidbarkingpounds

throughthedoor.Icall,"Mrs.Hess.Areyouhome?"Thedogsclawatthewood."It'sNavyfromdown
thehall."

Itrytheotherguy'sdoor,buteitherhe'snothomeorcan'thearmeoverthebarking.Ipassthewindow

tothefireescapeasthewindwhipsthesnowoffofthepane,hopingMrs.Hessisn'toutinthenasty
weather.

IcreeppastSpencer'sdoorandamhalfwaybacktominewhenIsigh.He'sprobablynothomesince

it'sSaturdaynight.Itakeadeepbreath,liftmyarm,hesitate,andthenknock,readytospringawaylikea
scaredbunny.Ilookdownthehalltothesafetyofmyrabbitwarren.

Footstepsapproach.Thedooropens.He'sstillinhissuitpants,buthisshirtisunbuttonedandhistie

absent.NotonlyamIoutofsugar,butI'malsooutofwords.

"Hey,"hesays,allsmoothandSpencer-like.

Iwringmyhandsandclearmythroat."Thissoundsoneighborly,butI'mwonderingifyoucansparea

cupofsugar."

Hesmirks.

"Granulated,tablesugar,ifyouwantmetobespecific."

"Oh,Ithoughtyouweretalkingabouttheotherkind."

Mycheeksheat.

"Yeah.Iprobablyhavesome.Comeonin."

Iclosethedoorbehindme,butdon'tfollowhimintohislair,Imeankitchen.Softmusiccomesfrom

thelivingroomormaybeitwasatelevisioncommercial.Ilisten,forthetinkleoflaughter,theclickof
heels,oranyothersignsofcompany.

Icatchaglimpseofmyselfinthefloortoceilingmirrortotheleftofthedoor.Ismoothmyhairand

dusttheflourfromthebellyofmyhoodie.It'snotthatI'mopposedto,ahem,hissugar,ifI'mgoingtouse
theeuphemism,butI'mnotreallyhiskindofgirl.Andhisoverallsexinesskindofscaresme—not
becausehe'srough—butbecauseIdon'tfeellikeI'mSpencermaterial.I'mnerdy,havemessyhair,an
overlysquarejaw,andhaven'treallygottenmyshittogether.I'mapigeon-swanandhe'smostdefinitelya
peacockoragreatDaneorsomething.

"Foundsome,"hesays,materializinginthehall.

"Oh,thankyou,"Isay,startledfrommythoughtsandtakingtheunopenedboxfromhishand.Our

fingersbrushandIexperiencearush.Fourandahalfstars.

"I'll,um,repayyouorgetyousomemore,"Imumble.

Hestepstowardmewithafamiliarhungerinhiseyes.Iswallowandthenturntheknob,backingout

ofhisapartment.

"Thanks,"Icallovermyshoulder,hoppingdownthebunnytrail.

Hesayssomethingmore,butIdon'thearitasIclosemydoorandcatchmybreath.

Cookies.Ineedcookies.Andabook—adistraction,anything.

Fifteenminuteslatertheapartmentsmellslikehome,andItakethetrayfromtheoven.Ipopasecond

batchinusingtheremainingdough,pourmyselfsomemilk,andsettleonthecouch.

Thebuttery,crispy,chocolatey,discofperfectionmeltsinmymouthwhenItakeabite.JustwhenIgo

forasecond,there'saknockonthedoor.

MaybeMrs.Hessfinallymadeitpasthercrazypackofdogsorshewantstoscoldmeforbothering

them.

Ipeerthroughthepeephole.Spencer'shandsareinhispocketsandhesmirksasthoughheknowsI'm

lookingathimfromtheothersideofthedoor.Hisgrinisirresistible.Iundothelock.

"Ismelledthecookiesfrommyplaceandwonderedwhyyoudidn'tbringmeone."Hestepscloserto

me."Afterall,Ilentyouthesugar."Hetakesanotherstep,thisoneoverthethreshold."Iaskednicely."He
closesthedoorbehindhim.

Theovenalarmbeeps.

Ihopbackwardsandpulloutthesheetpan.

"Niceplace.Cozy,"hesays,surveyingtheroom."Quietnightin?"

"Yeah.You?"Iask,placingacookieonanapkinandholdingitouttohim.Again,ourfingersbrush

andI'mjolted.Highvoltageelectricityflashesacrossmycheeks,allthewaydowntomytoes,and
everywhere—andIdomeaneverywhere—,inbetween.

Hesetsthecookiedownonthekitchenisland,gripsmyjawbetweenhishands,kissesmeonce,and

thenheftsmeupontothecounter.Anotherkiss.Thenhetakesabiteofthecookieandmoans.Heputsitto
mymouthandItakeabiteasheslipshishandundermyhoodieandrunsitupthebareskinonmyback.
I'mnotwearingabra.OhdearGod.

Hekissesmeagain.

"Delicious."Heputstherestofthecookieinhismouthandthentakesanother."Usually,I'mgoodwith

one,butyou'reanexceptionalbaker."

Hekissesmewiththehungerthatfood,evenexceptionallydeliciouscookies,can'tprovide.

Myhoodiesomehowendsupunderneathme,whichiswelcomebecausethegranitecounteriscold.

Myleggingssomehowhangoffthelampshadeinthelivingroom(I'llhavetoaskhimifheplayedfootball
inhighschool),andmypantiesareintheemptyceramicmixingbowl,whichIadmittedlylickedclean
earlier.Spencer'sshirtisontherungofthestool,anditdoesn'tmatterwherehispantsarebecausethey're
off.

Hislipspressagainstmineagainandifthatweren'tenough,hetrailskissesdownmyneck,tomy

chest,andthenkeepsgoing.Afterward,helaceshisarmsundermykneesandpullsmeagainsthim.I
wrapmylegsandarmsaroundhimandwegoatit.

I'veneverhadsexonacounterbefore.Icanassureyouit'snotasuncomfortableasyoumightthink.

Thesweatshirtprovidespadding.However,wasuncomfortablewaswhenIsaid,"Carr—"cuttingmyself
offwithalongmoanwhenIcame.Hewasgruntinginalow,sexyway,soIdon'tthinkhenoticed.Ihope
hedidn't.

Igivehimafewmorecookiestogo.

"Wasthisabootycall?"Iask.

Hetiltshishead,hiseyesliddedandpleased,asheconsidersthequestion."Youdohaveanice

booty."

"Acookiecall?Asugarsummons?Asweetretreat?Adessert—"I.Am.Such.A.Dweeb."I'llgetthat

sugarbacktoyouassoonaspossible,"Isay.

"I'malltoohappytogiveyousomesugaranytime,"hishuskyvoicecallsfromdownthehall.

Wrappedinablanket,Ilayonthecouchinapost-sexglowasthesnowflakesdanceinthenightsky.A

fewlandontheglassasthoughbeggingtocomeinside.Iwalkoverandsitonthewindowledge,push
openthesill,andholdmyhandout,catchingthesnowonmyfingersandinmypalm.Itfeelslikea
magicalmoment.Isighasleepysigh.

Mybodyistired,butnotmymind.It'swiredandwhirringwiththoughts,defaultingtosecondguesses,

wonderingifIdideverythingright.

SpencersaidthatI'manexceptionalbaker.Didthatmean—?

Ihavetoknow.

Iwrapmyblanketsnugaroundme,glancedownthehall,andscampertohisdoor.

Iknock.

He'sthereinunderhalfaminuteandbeforehecansmileslylyorutteraninnuendo,Iask,"Bybaker

didyoumeantherollingpin,mixingbowlkindor—?"Ican'tbringmyselftosayit.

"Sex?"Amusementplaysonhislips."Navy,Imeantyou'rereallygoodinbedor,uh,onthecounter."

Iexhalewithrelief."Okay."

"Itoldyou,anytimeyouneedacupofsugar—"

"Thankyouforclarifying."MypulsepoundsinmyearsasIracedownthehall.

Spencerisamanwhoisn'tafraidtotalkaboutsex.Boldly.

Heisn'tafraidtohavesex.Frequently.

Heknowshowallthebitsfittogetherandthensome.

ButI'mafraid,terrified,ofwhatitmeansformetotalkandhaveandthinkaboutsex—twiceinone

week!

I'mintimidatedbybeingwithsomeonelikeSpencerinthebedroom.Naked.

AndI'mpositivelypetrifiedthatCarrick'simagerepeatedlyentersthepicturewhileI'mwithanother

man.

Ireachthedoor,readytocrawlintobed,butitdoesn'tbudge.Ipushonit.Nothing.Ijigglethehandle.

I'mlockedout.IslowlyturntoseeSpencerleaninginhisdoorway.Ipressmylipstogetherandnod."It
wasanaccident.Iswear."

Hehookshisfinger,summoningmeback.

"Goodthingyoudidn'tbothertogetdressed,"hesaysandnowIcanaddentrywaytomylistof

locations.Also,Jacuzzi.

Chapter13

UBoss

Thankfully,thebuildingsuperletsmeinearlythefollowingmorning.I'msureKatyawouldhavea

fielddaywithmylittleescapades,yesplural.Thankfully,shewon'tfindout,atleastnotyet.Notbecause
I'membarrassedthistime,butbecauseshe'llbejackeduponself-satisfaction.HerI-told-you-sofaceis
theworst.I'mnotreadyforhertoknowthatitseemsIdidneedtohavesomegood,old-fashionedsex.Or
rather,aswasthecasewithSpencer,modern,spicy,amazingsex.

Icleanupmycookiemessonthecounter,ahem.Bakingchocolatechipcookieswillneverbethe

sameagain.Onlypartofmeregretsnotspendingacozynightreadingandeatinghalfabatchofchocolate
chipcookiesbymyself.Sexualsatisfactionfillstheotherpartofme.IburytheshirtIborrowedfrom
Spencerundertherestofmylaundryandgetintheshower.

Whilethecitystillsleepsunderafresh,glisteningblanketofsnow,ItakealongwalkthroughCentral

Parktowardmyoldneighborhood.ApapercupofcoffeewarmsmyhandsasIreflect,consider,and
ponder…

Mystepsaresurer,evenovertheicyground.ItturnsoutIamdesirableafterall.Inlessthantwelve

hours,SpencerandIhadsexfourtimes.Four!

ZachandIneverevendiditthatmanytimesinoneday,nolesshalfofoneandwewereteenagersfor

goodnesssakes.

However,Carrickwastherewithmelastnighteverysingletime.Isitonabenchwhilepigeonspeck

atthegroundinsearchofbreakfast.Theirfeathersshineopalescentundertheblueskyofawinter'sday.A
largehuskylumbersby,leadingitsownerthroughthesnow.

Mostofthepigeonsscatter,butafewholdtheirground.They'reactuallyratherpluckybirdswiththeir

understatedplumage,resourcefulness,anddetermination.PerhapsIamapigeonafterall,butIdon'twant
tothinkabouttheirmatinghabitsifI'musingKat'stheoryabouthowwe'relikebirds.Infact,Idon'twant
tothinkaboutbirdsinthatcontextperiod.Thisanalogyhasgottenoutofhand.

Icrosstotheothersideofthestreetwhenmyofficebuildingcomesintoview.Idon'twanttothink

abouthowI'mfailing,notlivinguptomypotential,andfeelingkindoflost.

WhenIgetbacktotheapartmentandwarmup,Iopenmylaptopandmakealistofwhatwouldmake

mehappyinanewposition:creativity,roomforexpansion,afriendlyandsupportiveworkenvironment,
vacationandsickpay,freedom,fun…

Istoponthatlastone.Fun?Workandfunarenotsynonymous.I'mabouttodeletetheitem,butmy

fingerpausesoverthekey.Ican'tthinkofanythingelsetoaddtothelistotherthanTori'ssuggestionof
phonesexoperator.Notgoingtohappen.

Iclickontheinternetbrowsertodoasearchforwhattolookforinadreamjobandmyemailopens,

withseveralcommentnotificationsfrommyblog.

ThefirstonesaysWillyouseethehottiein7Gagain?

Well…

AnothersaysWhataretheexactguidelinesforthedarebecauseIdon'twanttobealoneonFeb.

14andthisseemslikeaduplicatableidea.

ThentherearetwoaskingIfyoudon'tpickthehottiein7GforyourValentine'sDaydatewillyou

sharehisemailaddress?

Um,no.

Igotomyblogdashboardandbeginawriteupoflastnight.IrecounthowIhadtoaskSpencerfora

cupofsugarandhowonethingledtoanother.Idon'tsharethekindsofdetailsKatrevealssofreely,butI
doindicatethatourmeetingwasabootycallandI'mnotsurethehottiein7Gislong-termmaterial.Then
again,Valentine'sDayisn'tthebeginningofamarriage;Katdidn'tdaremetofindthemanwho'sgoingto
meetmeattheendoftheaisle.

WhileI'mdescribingthenight,asmiletugsonmycheeks,somethinginsidemewakesup—thedaring,

bold,sex-having,spontaneous,funpartofmeandforonce,myheartdoesn'tfeelquitesoheavy.

RiskingKat'swrath,Ipublishthewriteup,thistimeusingfourandthree-quartersstars.Damn,

Spencerwasgood.ThenIgetbacktotryingtofigureoutmyfuture.

Afewminutesin,myemaildingswithanotification.

You'reinspiringmetogetbackoutthereanddate,notbecauseIneedaman.Sadly,Ibelieved

inthePrinceCharmingmythfortoolongandgrewfrustratedwhenhedidn'tshowup,buttodate
justtohavefun?Ihonestlyneverthoughtofitthatway.

Meneither.

ThenanotherpersonwritesI'mveryconcernedaboutyoursuddenpromiscuity.Pleasereplyto

discussyoursalvation.

Tori'savatarisinthenextcommentandallitsaysisYeehaw!Katmusthavegivenhertheblog

address.

OneoftheladiesfromthelastpostasksIsthehottiein7Goffthemarket?

She'smissingthepoint.

AfourthwritesIjustsignedupforaprogramcalledUBossforwomenwhowanttoawakentheir

innerspark,connectwiththeirdesires,anddiscovertheirdreamsandgoafterthem—ohandhave
funwhiledoingit.IthinkitmightinterestyouandthoughtI'dpassitalong.

Thislastpartgetsmyattention.Iclickthelink.

WhereIexpectaclunkywebsitewitharosterofwoowoosolutions,amoney-grabbingscam,ora

cult,thesiteismodern,feminine,andcompletelylegit.Ablockoftextasks

Feelingstuck?

Yes.

Iscrolldown.

Uninspired?

Yep.

Ikeepscrolling.

Confused?

Uh,huh.

Knowthereispotentialinyouandtalentsuntapped,butnotsurehowtoaccessthem?

Thiswebsiteisspeakingmylanguage.

Ireadseveralparagraphsaboutafour-weekprogram,emphasizingtheimportanceoftappingintomy

truest,rawest,deepestinnerdesiresinordertomanifestalifefromwhichIdon'tseekescape.

Ilikethesoundofthat.Alot.MaybethisislikeabelatedNewYear'sresolution.PerhapsI'mready

forchange.

Ireadseveraltestimonialsandreviewsfromgraduatesoftheprogramanditallseemsencouraging

andreal.Onewomanleftherdeadendjobandnowearnssix-figuresdoingworkthatbringsherjoyand
satisfaction.IneverthoughtI'dhearjobandjoyinthesamesentence.

Usingthemethod,anotherladyrevampedherlife,losttenpounds,leftalousyrelationship,did

volunteerworkinSouthAmerica,andnowoperatesanon-profitwithanamazingteamofbig-hearted
creatives.

MycuriositygrowsandIspendthenexthoursreadingthefounder'sstoryandwhyshestartedUBoss.

Iwatchseveralvideosaboutthebenefitsoftheprogramandfrequentlyaskedquestions.Ipressthetab
thatsaysReady?There'sjustoneparagraphinthecenterofthescreen.

Beingstuck,uninspired,andconfusedisn'tyourdestiny.Chancesareyou'vetriedtothinkyour

wayoutofyoursituation,butcan'tfigureitout.Thesolutionistogetoutthereandlivemore.If
you'reanythinglikeme,that'seasiersaidthandone,butifyoutrustmeandmoreimportantly,
yourselfyoucandoanything.Iamyourguideforfourweeks,reintroducingyoutoyourself,tothe
sourcesofyourhappiness,pointingyoutowardjoy,andultimatelyhelpingyourevealyourdeepest
desires.Iinviteyoutotakethisjourneywithme,theworstthatcanhappenisyou'llmakeahuge
transformationbringingfunandfreedomintoyourlife,andtherest,well,you'llbewellonyourway
tolivingthelifeofyourdreams.

Coincidentally,thereareonlytenminuteslefttosignupbecausetheprogramstartstomorrow,

Monday.Ifilloutalongquestionnaireandpartwithhalfofmysavings.Mythroatisdry,butthere'salsoa
littleflutterofexcitementinmygut.

Shortlyafter,Ireceiveanoticetojoinaprivateonlinegroupwiththeothermembersoftheprogram.I

getacookiefromthekitchen,takeadeepbreath,andthenintroducemyselfusingthescreenname
Navybean.Themoderatorexplainshowwe'reheretosupporteachotherandthisisallconfidential.She
wantsustotreatthisspacelikeagettogetherwithourfavoritegalsandwecanlogonwheneverwe
want.Therewillbeweeklymoduleswithvideo,worksheets,andtaskswehavetodo,alongwith

checkinginwitheachother.

UserDaisyDuke31askshowIfoundoutabouttheprogramandIdescribethedare,theblog,andthe

commentitturnsoutuserMelodyMilesleftonmyblog.Fromtheanonymoussafetyofmylaptop,I've
alreadymadeitapracticetotellstrangersaboutmysexanddatinglifesowhentheyaskaboutThe
BoyfriendBookBlogItellthesenewstrangersaboutjuniorhigh,Claire,andmyhighschoolheartbreak.I
talkaboutcollegeandexplainmyoldjobandhowgossipyeveryonewas.ItellthemhowIlovereading
andwriting,butdon'tnecessarilyseemyselfasanovelistbecause,well,havingpeopleactuallyread
somethingIwritewouldbelikeoneofthosedreadfuldreams:showingupnakedtotalktoanauditorium
fullofpeople,butthenI'dhavetostandthereandreadthebook,initsentirety,naked.Nuhuh.Idon't
thinkIcoulddoit.Ichimeinwhenotherwomendescribetheirwoes:badmarriages,troublesome
children,highpressurefromparents,lackofmoney,compulsiveeating,andgeneralconfusionandstress
aboutwhattheyshouldbedoingwithwhatShellsXOXcallsherwildandpreciouslife.

Webareoursouls.Wewritethoughtsandfeelingswecouldneverutteraloud.Wetalkeachother

throughourtroubleswithoutjudgement.Iseemyselfreflectedinthemandnotonlyisitmotivating,it's
inspiringbecausedespitetheirself-doubts,theyareallamazingwomen,theyjustdon'tseeit,which
makesmewonderifIneedtolookinthemirroralittlemoreclosely.

TwilightsettlesoverManhattanwhenIsaymygoodbyestothegroup.Thefounderoftheprogram,

andchiefexecutiveoffun,MimiBoss,tellsuswe'rethechiefexecutivesofourlives.Sheassuresusthat
bycreatingageneralatmosphereoffun,amusement,andcontentment,everythingwedesirewillbecome
clear,andwemightevenrealizewealreadyhavewhatwewant,wejustdon'tseeitassuch.Shecloses
withWhenwe'refeelingstuck,it'sbecausewe'rethinkingabouthoweverythingissowronginour
liveswhenweshouldlookatwhat'sright.

Chapter14

RedLipstick

Katcomesin,allrosycheekedandsmiling—aglowfromheryogaintensive."Youshouldhavecome

withme.Itwasamazing.Wehadabonfireandevenwentsleddingafteroneoftheyogasessions.I
would'vebeenbackearlythisafternoon,buttheroadswereawful.Whatdidyoudo?"

KatmustnothavehadcellserviceattheretreatorcheckedherphonebecausewhatIdidislive,on

theblog.Also,I'mafraidifItellheraboutUBossit'llfurtherhighlighthowperfectherlifeisandhow
minecirclesthedrain.

"Wenttothelibrary.Bakedcookies."

"Ooh,cookies?Anyleft?"sheasks,bee-liningforthekitchen.

"Inthecontainernexttothecoffeemaker."

"Oh,thankyouforgettingmoresugar.ImeanttobeforeIleft,butitslippedmymind."

Iswallow."Yeah."

Shecomesback,takesabite,andcloseshereyes."Thisisyourgrandmother'srecipeisn'tit?I

rememberwhenshe'dsendyoucarepackagesfreshmanandsophomoreyear."

"YoualwaysmadesureyouwereintheroomwhenIunboxedmygoodies."Ialsorememberhow

sweetmygrandmawas,thoughtful,rememberingmybirthdays,andbeingapersonIcouldturntowhenI
hadaproblem—fifthgradescienceproject:bakingsodaandvinegarvolcano.Myfirsttimebeingasked
toaschooldanceandnotfeelingready:agraciouswaytodecline.WheneverythinghappenedwithZach
andClaire:she'sthesolereasonIsurvivedandwasabletofunctionandgraduate.Now,wonderingwhat
I'mgoingtodowiththerestofmylife,IwishGrandmaMimiwereheretohelp.

Mimi,shortforMiriam,justlikeMimiBoss,thefounderofUBoss.MaybeKatandheryoga

adherentsarerightandthere'snosuchthingascoincidences.

Oblivioustomylineofthought,Katgoesonaboutthefoodattheyogaretreat."Itwasdelicious,don't

getmewrong,butagirlcansubsistonquinoaandkaleonlyforsolong."Shetakesanothercookie."For
dinnerI'mthinkingpizzaandlaundry."

"Laundry?"

"Therearemachinesinthebasement.Tenofthem."

"Areyoukiddingme?"Iask.Inacitywhereschleppingtothelaundromatiscommonplace,orhaving

toshareasinglewasheranddryerwiththeinhabitantsoftheentirebuilding,alaundryroomisheaven.

Weorderpizzadeliveryandridedowntothebasementintheelevator.Thelaundryroomisspacious,

welllit,andthere'sevenaloungearea.

"Tellmeagainhowyoufoundthisplace?"IaskKatwhilewesortourlightsanddarks.

"Imettheleasingagentatathing."

"Doweneedtotalkaboutwhatkindofthingorwhythat'saquestionablepractice?"

Katyastopsmid-sortandpointsoneelegantfingeratmypileofdirtyclothes."No,butwedoneedto

discusswherethatwhitemen'sbuttondownshirtcamefrom."

Thelaundryroommusttrulybeaspecial,sacredplacebecausebeforeIcancomeupwithananswer,

thepizzaguyduckshisheadin,rescuingmefromtheincriminatingevidenceofmyrendezvouswith
Spencer."PlaincheeseforKat?"

"That'sus.Thankyou.I'mstarved,"shesays,handinghimatwenty-dollarbill,andthenpullingaslice

fromthebox.

IletmypiececoolwhileItossmydirtylaundryintothemachine,hopingshedoesn'trememberI

didn'tanswerherquestionabouttheshirt.ForallsheknowsIfounditinmystuffwhenIwasmoving.It's
notentirelyunreasonableformetohaveamen'sshirtburiedamongmyclothingcollection.Really,it's
not.

"NavyCatherineCarrington,"sheshoutsaroundamouthfulofpizza.Hereyeswidenasshestaresat

herphone.

Istop.Istiffen.Isensehercat-likeapproach.

"Iwasgonefortwonightsandyou—"Hersternreprimandgoessilent."Fourtimes!"

Highlightedbytheglowofherphone,herexpressionshiftsfromshocktosurprise—there'safine

distinction,butwhereIthoughtI'dfindherI-told-you-sosmug,instead,Ifindsheerandutter
astonishment.

"Whydidn'tyoutellme?"

"I'mapigeon."

"Swan."

"Samethingandtheycan't,um,talk,"Itry.

"WasthatSpencer'sshirt?"sheasks.

"Shh,hemightbearound."

"Hedoesn'tlooklikethetypewhodoeshisownlaundry."Shereadstherestofthepost."Fourtimes!

Navy,I'mnotsureifIshouldcongratulateyouorstageanintervention.Areyoumakingupforlosttimeor
what?"

"DidyougettothepartabouthowIwaslockedoutoftheapartmentovernight?Itwasjust

circumstance.Hewasthere.Iwasthere."

Katsetsdownthecrustofherpizza,stepscloser,surveyingmecarefully."You'renotaswan,a

pigeon,orevenapeacock.You'reaCicinnurusRespublica."

"Saywhat?"

"Abirdofparadise."

Mybrowfurrows.

"IsawonewhenIwasinBali."Shetypesonherphoneandshowsmeapictureofacolorfulbird

withayellowneck,bluefeet,andtwodistinctcurlytailfeathers.

"Youdoknowthatit'sthemalebirdsthatarethebright,colorfulattractiveones,right,Peahen?The

femalesareusuallydrabbrown."

"Navy,you'remissingthepoint.WhatI'msayingisthatyou’reavixen."

*

Idon'tknowthatI'mavixenlikeKatsaid,butIdoknowthatI'mtired.Betweenbeingawakehalfthe

nightandnowspendingthelastfewhourswhenIshouldbefastasleepontheUBossboard,thedark
circlesformingbeneathmyeyesaren'tveryvixen-like.

WhenIdragmyselftothekitchenforsomecaffeinetojumpstartmymorning,there'sacoffeecupon

thecounternexttoafoldedpieceofpaperwithmynameonit.Katissothoughtful.Ipopoffthelidand
bringittothemicrowavetowarmit.Whilethecupspinsroundandround,Iremembertodayisthe
officialstartofUBoss.

Whenthemicrowavebeeps,onthesideofthecup,Ispotaphonenumber.Man-bun-barista.Of

course,shehadanulteriormotive.Thenotewithmynameexplains.

GoodmorningNavybean!

ItookthelibertyofgettingMan-bun'sdigitsforyou.BTWhisnameisBash.Ithinkweshould

stickwithcallinghimMan-bunbaristathoughorMBBforshort.I'llbeteachingmostoftoday,butbe
homewhenIgetbackatfive-thirtysoIcanhelpyougetready—you'rehavingdinnerathisplace.Text
himtoconfirm.

XoKat

AvixenIamnotbecausethere'snowayIcouldtexthimtoconfirm.Instead,Irushgettingready,pick

upMr.Bouche'scoffee,andbolttotheelevators,stuffingmyselfbetweenawomanwhokeepssneezing
andabaldmanwholooksqueasy.Coldandfluseasonisuponus.IspotBouchestumpingthroughthe
foyertowardelevatorbank,andpoundtheupbuttontosparehimtheexposuretosickness,Iswear.

Bysomeactofgrace,Ihavehisdrinkonhisdesk,amseatedatmine,andlookingbusywhenhe

passes.However,I'mnottranscribinghismessagesorschedulingmeetings.IrereadwhatIwroteonmy
blog,feelingslightlymortified.I'mnotthekindofgirlwhohassexfourtimesinonenightandcertainly
notonewhowritesaboutit.Iammanythings,butcertainlynotavixenwhogoesonadatewithsomeone
shedoesn'tknowlessthanforty-eighthoursafterthesex-capades,especiallynotonewithaman-bun.

Ishoulddeletetheblog.Enditrighthere,rightnow.

Mr.Bouchesignalsme."Meetinginten,MissCamelot."

Myemaildingswithanotification,acheck-infromtheUBossmoderatorwonderingwhyIhaven't

signedinyet.Thenotesayssuccesscomesfromworkingtogetherandholdingoneanother
accountableeachday.

Ihavetenminutes.

IsignonattheUBossportaljusttospiteMr.Bouche.Atthetopisaboxwithtoday'stask:wearred

lipstickwiththeaddendum,outofthehouse.

Thefour-weekprogramisbrokenintomoduleseachcoveringanimportantaspectofourlives.The

firstisdaring(wehaveaweekof"dailydares"tocomplete—enoughwiththedaresalready!),the
seconduncovering,thethirddreaming,andthelastbecoming.

IreadtheoverviewssoIknowwhattoexpectinthenextfewweeks.

Thedaringmoduleisaboutmovingpastcomfortzonesandunderstandingthatwecreatedboundaries

tokeepourselvesinasafe,familiarplace,howeverpushingouredge,whileitmightbeuncomfortable
willultimatelymakeitsowelivebiggerlives,areseen,andarebold.There'sthatworddaringagain.
Mylifehasbecomeoneodd,twisteddare.

Inuncovering,we'regoingtoshiftinsideanddosomeinnerwork,whilestillbuildingoffthefirst

module.Indreaming,wetakewhatwelearnedaboutourselvesintheprevioustwoweeksandfigureout
whatwewantfromourlives.Andinthefourth,becomingwehavetotakeaction.

WhenMr.Bouchecallsme,IquicklyskimthenotefromMimiBoss.Wearingredlipstickisa

special,personal,sensualact,meantforoneself.Italsolendsconfidenceandasenseofinvincibility.
EveryspokenwordbecomesanIkickassanthem.Shedescribesredasapowercolorandifnothing
else,theUBossprogramisaboutempowerment.Also,shesaysitlookspretty.

Istumbleatthesoundoflaughter,nearlytippingoverthecartwiththecoffeeurnsandpastrytray.

"Ah,MissCablecar."

"Carrington,"Isay,mytongueablaze,wishingIhadatubeofredlipstick.IavoidmeetingCarrick's

eyes.

"YourememberMr.Kennely,ofcourse."

Bouchedoesn'tseemtohavetroublerememberinghislastname.

"Goodmorning,Navy,"Carricksays,notavoidingmyglossy,non-red,lips.

"Beadollandgetournewestclientacoffee,"Boucheorders.Inthebackground,hedronestoCarrick

aboutwhatagreatpartnershipthiswillbewhilewaitingforCocoandCarlottatoarriveforthemeeting.

Ishouldbepreparingthecoffees.Ishouldbethinkingaboutwheretogetabetterjob.Ishouldbe

mindingmyownbusiness,butI'mdyingtoknowwhyCarrickneedsapublicist.Thisfirmdealswith
celebrities,authors,TVpersonalities,musicians,andhigh-levelbusinesspeople.UnlessImissed
something,he'snoneofthose.Occasionally,theystepinwhensomeonehasseriouslyscreweduptheir
reputation—whatmisdeedcouldhehavedonetonecessitateanintervention?

CarrickcharmsthepantsoffBoucheandAlbright,who'sjustarrived—herlipspaintedred—,when

thecoffeeurnspitsasteaminghotspoutofbrownliquidsquareinthechestofmywhiteshirt—not

Spencer'swhiteshirt.Thisonehaspearlybuttonsandseemedtobeperfectlytailoredtomakemyaverage
shapelookshapelier.

Iyelp,myskinscalding.

CarrickrushesovertomeasIholdmyhandsinfrontofthepainfulstain."Hot.Coffee.Burns,"I

sputterbeforebreakingfreeandrushingtothebathroom.

Momentslater,someoneknocksonthebathroomdoor."Youokayinthere?"It'sCarrick'slow,

rumblingvoice.Hishulkingoutlinefillsthesmokedglasswindowofthedoor.

"Yes.Fine."

"Areyousure?CanIdoanything?"

"Goaway."Thewordsarecold,unnecessary,rote.They'rewhatI'vebeentellingmyselfIwant.

Hissilhouetteremainsoutsidethedoorforanothermomentbeforedisappearing.

Cocosendsmehome.Inapanic,ItextKatwhathappened.Shedirectsmetoagooeybalminthe

bathroomcabinetthatshegotfromoneofheryogastudents.

It'scoolingandsoothingasIwatchaUBossvideo,eatleftoverpizza,andreadaPDFthatgoesinto

moredepthabouttheweekofdaring,evencitingastudyaboutwomenwithredlips.Next,there'sa
worksheetwhereIhavetoanswerquestionsaboutmyappearance,myrelationshipwithmylips(and
otherpartsofmybody),andsignacontract(withmyself)committingtothetaskbypostingapictureon
thegroupchat.

Ilogonandalreadyseveralofthewomenhavebravelypostedtheirphotos.Somesmile,others

scowl,andmorethanafewweardeerinheadlightslooksofterror.

WhenIreadtheconversationthreads,mostofthemagreethatatfirstwearingredlipstickfeltscary,

buthalfwaythroughthedaytheywerefeelingmoreconfident.Astayathomemomevensaidthather
childrenlistenedtoherbettertoday.

IleaveafewcommentsandthenopenathreadanddescribemydatingdilemmawithMBB.There's

unanimousencouragement.IfthisMan-bunismakingyoudinner,you'reoneluckygal.Doyouknow
whatIwouldgiveifmyboyfriendgothisassinthekitchen—totakeoutthetrash,putawayhis
dirtydishes,orcooksomethingforgoodnesssakes?

MelodyMileswhocommentedonmyblogaboutUBossasksWhatdoeshelooklike?

Hehasdarkhair,ofteninabun,obvi,darkeyes,oliveskin,andmultipletattoos.Ithinkhemight

beLatin?I'mnotsure.

Soundshot,writesShellsXOX.Ibetit'ssexywhenit'sdown.Iloveguyswithlonghair.

Wediscusstoday'stask,beingdaring,andKat'sdare.TheyallinsistIwearredlipsticktonight.

IwriteButit'sjustathisplace.We'renotgoingout.

DaisyDuke31saysItdoesn'tmatter.Itshowsyoucareandareupforhavingfun—andfun

doesn'tnecessarilymeansexjustlikeredlipstickdoesn'tmeanyou'reeasy.Remember,redisa

powercolorandyou'reinchargeofyourlife.

"Idon'townredlipstick."

"ButIdo,"Katsays,leaningonthedoorframe.

Chapter15

DirtyBrownies

IstartleatKat'sunexpectedappearance.

"I'msogladyou'renotstoppingwithSpencer,"shesays."Iwasworriedyou'dseemynoteandthrow

itaway.Itwasn'teasygettinghisnumberagain."

"Whatdoyoumean?"

"Ipracticallyhadtofightacougarinline."

Iraiseaneyebrow.

"Amiddleagedwomanreadytogethermanicuredclawsinhimheardmeaskforhisnumber."

"I'mgladitdidn'tresultinacatfight,"Isayaroundagiggle.

"I'mserious,shewasn'tfoolingaround."Katclawstheairwithherhand."Thoughshewaswearinga

giantrocksoyouprobablydon'thaveanythingtoworryabout.Didyoutexthimtoconfirm."

Itosshermycellphone.

"Youwantmetodothehonors?Navy,thisisaboutyousteppingoutsideyourcomfortzone,"shesays,

echoingthecontentoftheUBossprogram.Sheclicksawayandawickedgrinbloomsonherface.

"Whatdidyouwrite?"

Shepassesmemyphone.I'llbetheonewiththeredlips.

Iharrumph."Servesmeright."

"Weknowthatheservesuptheperfectlatte,espresso,andcappuccino.Iwonderwhatelse,"she

teases."Thegoodnewsisyou'llprobablyfindout.Hehashisownplace."

"Noroommates?"

Sheshakesherhead.

"Onabarista'ssalary?"

"Maybethat'shisdayjob—andbynighthe'sthenextbigsocialmediaappdesignerorhemoonlights

asamalemodelorhehasatrustfundandlikesmakingpeoplehappybydesigninglittleleavesandhearts
onthefoamoftheirlattes.Hecancook,that'swhatmatters.WhenIgetmarried,myfellabetterknowhis
wayaroundthekitchen."

"Why?"

"Becauseit'ssexy.Andsoisredlipstick.Now,whatareyougoingtowear?"

Aftershehasmetryonfivedifferentoutfits—onetighterandmorerevealingthanthenext—,she

casuallysays,"Ialmostforgot.IranintoCarrick.Itturnsouthe'sstayingnearthegymwhereIteachmy
eveningclass.Igothisnumber."

"Youdon'twanttodatehim."

"Notforme,silly."

"Notforme,surely."

"Yesforyou."

"Noway."

"Numberfive.Technicallyspeakingyoualreadysortawentonadatewithhim."

"Coffeedoesn'tcount."

"Imadethedare.Imaketherules."Kat'shandsareonherhipslikeWonderWomaninherpower

stance.

Icrossmyarmsinfrontofmychest."Kat,wehaveahistoryandIcan'tgothere."

Sheignoresthis."He'scute."

"Thenyoudatehim."

"Nope,there'ssomethingabouthim.Maybethewayhesaidyourname.Thewayhelooksatyou.I

wouldn'tlosethisnumberifIwereyou,"shesays,passingmeaslipofpaper.

ThisisexactlywhatIdo.Icrumpleitupandtossittowardtheheapofboxesinthecornerofmyroom

thatIneedtobringdowntorecycleinthebasement.

"Ohcomeon.Ihadtofisharoundinmybagforapenandthenhisfingerswerefreezingwhenhe

wroteitdown."

"I'mnotdatingCarrick."I'mnottalkingtohimorseeinghimagainifIcanhelpit.

*

IbundleupandsetoutforBash'sapartmentasKatya'sfarewell,"Havefunwiththemanbun,"rings

downthehallafterme.

Bashlivesinthevillagewherethecementturnstocobblestonesandthesquatbuildingsjumbledown

thenarrowstreets.

Iknock.FrombehindthewoodendoorofBash'sapartment,potsandpansclatter.Musicpumpsand

footstepsapproach.

Whenheopensthedoor,Bash'sdark,liddedeyessweepoverme,landingonmymouth.

"Hi,"Isay.

Arapidclickingsoundapproachesfollowedbyastreakofmottledblackandbrownandwhiteflying

pastBashandknockingmeontothefloor.Apinktonguelicksandlicksandlicksthelipstickoffmylips.

Thedogpracticallylicksmyentirefaceoff.

"ThisisDudeTaco,"Bashsays,pattinghisdogonthehead,butnotcallinghimoff."AndI'mBash.

Likeaparty."

Awomanwithalmondshapedeyesandasmallnoseslipsby."Iwasjustgoing."

"Yousure?Dinnershouldbereadyintwenty."

Afterthedoorslams,Istandthere,puzzledasDudeTaco'stailslapsagainstmyleg.Hecirclesmein

excitedloops.

Bashisatthestoveandaflameeruptsfromasaucepan.Hecallsoverthehumoftheventfan,"Don't

mindJazmin—mysister.Shegetsoffongrandentrancesandexits."

"Oh.Yeah,youlookabitalike."

"It'sourstrongmuttblood."

"Muttblood?"Iask.

"OurfamilyhasbeenintheUSforsolongwe'rejustabouteverynationality,butone-hundredpercent

all-American.IgrewupoutsideHouston.Howaboutyou?Whereareyoufrom?"Idetectaslightsouthern
accent.

"CapeCod,"Isay,tryingtopetDudeTacoandgethimtocalmdown.

Bashisanidenticalflurryinthekitchen,minusthefur,ashejuliennes,sautés,andflambés.Hekeeps

upanongoingdialogabouthisparents'restaurant,whatitwaslikegrowingupinTexas,afew
embarrassingstoriesabouthissister,andhowheendedupinNewYorkCity.Businessopportunity,
apparently,butheleavesitatthat.

"Ihopeyoudon'tmindgarlic,"hesays,addingasprinkleofchivesovertheplate."Ipresentpan

searedChileanseabasswithwhitewinelemonbutter,sautéedasparaguswithgarlic,sliveredalmonds,
lemonpeel,andwhippedmashedpotatoes."

"Youdidn'thavetogothroughthetrouble,"Isay,impressed.

DudeTacositsnexttome,waitingforscraps.

"Itwasnothing.Youcanthankmydadforthedinnerideathough.Itwasthespecialattherestaurant

tonight."Heshrugs."It'sMondaynight,right?Theyusuallydoalightermeallikefishcomingoffthe
weekend.Iwouldhavemadeitanyway.Andit'sashameJazmindidn'twanttostay.She'sapickyeater.
Somepeoplearecomingbylatersoitwon'tgotowaste.Alwaysapartyhere."Hekeepsupconversation
whilecheckinghisphoneeveryotherminute.

Itakeabiteofthetenderasparagusandsay,"Well,I'mgladIgettoeatitwhileit'sstillwarm.

Delicious."

DudeTacowhines.

Itakeanotherbiteandasmyplateempties,Ilearnthevariousminutiaofhisparents'restaurant:the

employees,politics,thegreatnapkindilemmaof2005,andmoreinformationthanIevercaredtohear.

It'simpossibletogetawordinedgewise,butthat'sfinebecausethefoodisgood.Really,good.He

rattlesonabouttherecentdifficultyingettingfreshmusselsfromPEIouttoTexas.IlearnaboutRose,the
pantryladyandhertroublewithhergreencard.Thereisalsoconcernaboutsourcingtomatoesthisspring
withashortageoutofFlorida.

"Soundslikeyoukeepontopofthingsatthefamilyrestaurant."

"Youbet.Andyouwouldn'tbelievethestuffthatgoesonatthecoffeeroasters."

Ispendthenexthalfhour,whileIfinishthebetterpartofabottleofwine,hearingabouthis

coworkers,bosses,andthemysteryofthecoffeestirrersthatkeepgoingmissing.

"Itellyou,someone'sstealingthem."

Idon'tevenwanttoknowwhy.

Justthen,Bashlaunchesfromhisseatandsays,"Ihopeyouleftroomfordessert.Imadebrownies.

Butnotjustanybrownies.Thesearedirtybrownies,stuffedwithOreosandReese'speanutbuttercups.I
gottherecipefromthecoffeeshop.Myparentswouldneverservetheseattherestaurant."Whilehe
slicesthem,heconfessesthathedidn'tactuallyuseOreo'sfromabagandReese'sPeanutButterCups."I
madethem.Homestyle.Fromscratch."

"Impress—"Istart,buthegoeson,plowingrightoverthelastsyllable.

"Ihadacraving.Butdon'tworry,they'renotthatkindofbrownie."BeforeIcanaskwhathemeans,he

continues,"Imadethecandyovertheweekend,buthadtopickupsomecocoa.There'sthisplaceuptown
thathasthemostincrediblevarietyof—"

Idon'theartherestofwhathesaysbecauseI'minheaven.Chocolateloving,gooey,sweet,smooth,

delectable,ecstaticheaven.

"Youdidsaveroom,"hesayswhenIlickmyfingersclean.

DudeTacowhimpers.

Bash'spotatoesstillsitinapileonhisplate,hisasparagusspearshardlytouched,andhisseabass,a

sadwaste.Ishouldaskforadoggybagormaybehe'ssavingitforthedog.

However,Icouldeatlikethiseverynight.Ipourmyselfthelastofthewine,leanbackinmychair,

andask,"So,what'sonthemenutomorrownight?"

Hesmilesandsays,"I'llhavetocheck,butusuallytheydoascaledupversionoftacoTuesdayand

theirhomemadeguacamoleiskiller.I'llseeifIcangettherecipe.Sametimetomorrownight?"

"Sure,"Ianswer,spottingthereflectionofmypaintedredlipsinthehallmirror.Maybethere'ssome

magictothemafterall.

DespiteBash'sincessanttalking,thenightwasareasonablesuccess.Whoeversaidthewaytoaman's

heartisthroughhisstomachnevertastedBash'scooking.

Ipauseatthedoor,giveDudeTacoandpatonthehead,halfexpectingBashtosaygoodnight,orat

leastwalkmeout.Instead,he'sbackinthekitchen.OvertheventfanIcall,"WoulditbeokayifItakea
coupleofthosebrownieshome?"

Chapter16

SmashedPotatoes

IspendthenextfewdaysscrapingthroughMr.Bouche'sdemandsatwork,completingthedailydares

intheUBossprogram,alongwithcheckinginwithmyaccountabilitypartners:DaisyDuke31,
MelodyMiles,andShellsXOX.TheycheermeonwhenIskipoutoftheofficeatlunchandgotothe
moviessolo—orderingatleastthreeitemsfromtheconcessionstand—andturnupthemusicloudathome
anddancebeforeKatgetshome.Naked.

Today'sdareistogoshoppingforanoutrageousoutfit.Therulesstate:noleggings,sweatshirts,or

cotton.ThinkLadyGaga,Prince,andtheshowbizgreats.Don'tbeinhibited.Colorisyourfriend.
Bedaring.Mixandmatchpatterns.Bebold.Spreadyourwings.

ThisisajobforKatya,butsinceIhaven'ttoldherabouttheUBossprogram,Ican'tcomeupwitha

cleverreasonthatI'dwanttogoshopping.Inevergoshopping.Sheknowsthis.Asafashionista,she
hatesthis.However,herbeingbusywithclassesthisweekhasmadeitrelativelyeasytosneakinmy
dares.However,theoutfitposesthebiggestproblem.Ican'tpulloffsomeofthecraziergetupsIseeinthe
variousboutiquesIshopintheVillagenotbecauseIfeeluncomfortable,butratherIdon'tfeelsexy,
feminine,orlikemyself—moreofacaricature,MissCartoonton,andIknowthat'snotthepointofthe
program,whichemphasizesauthenticityandlisteningtomygut.Minegrumbles,cravingsomeofBash's
dirtybrownies.

I'mnearlyhomewhenIveerintoanupscaleboutiqueI'dordinarilynevergiveasecondlook.Ispot

theoutfitinstantly.

WhenIgetbacktotheapartment,IcheckinwithmyUBossgirls:Ialmostgaveupontoday'sdare,

butthentriedonelaststoreonmywayhome.Theoutfitwasonthedisplayinthefront.Itwas
meanttobe.Ipickedoutafitted,lightpinkcashmeresweaterandanavybluemaxiskirt.Whatdo
youthink?

ShellsXOXwritesThatdoesn'tsoundveryoutrageous.Nooffense.

IreplyThere'saslitthatgoesallthewayupmyleg—AngelinaJolie-style.

Vavavoom!MelodyMilessays.

DaisyDuke31chimesinIt'lllookfabwitharedlip—whenyougooutonyourValentine'sDate.

ThementionofmyValentine'sdateremindsmeofmyblog,sorelyinneedofanupdate.Ititlemy

latestpostGoingwithmyGut.

#2TheMan-Bun-Barista(namechangedforprivacy)

Appearance:darkhair,liddedeyeswiththeoccasionalbulge—probablytheresultsofacaffeine

deficitorsurplus—,tattoos,slim,abitwiryonsecondglance.Lookslikehemightbegrowinga
beard?Definitehipstervibe—slightlygreasyormaybeinneedofashower?

Behavior:amazingcook,chef,andbaker.Extremelytalkative.Actually,overlyso.Hardlylet

megetawordin,whichwasfinebecausemymouthwasfulloffood,people!

Connection:hasadognamedDudeTaco.Invitedhissistertostayfordinner.Didn'tmakeitout

ofthekitchen.Didn'tkiss.Didn'tdoanythingotherthaneat.Notcomplaining.

Insummation:Bashhasashakythreestars.Ifhewerearestaurant,itwouldbeaMichelinfive

starratingforsure,buthe'smerelyamanwithincrediblekitchenskillsandaseemingly
inexhaustibleabilitytotalk.I'mnotintothesilenttype,butheswingstotheotherextremetalking
incessantlywhilethemusicpumpsandthedogrunswild.

Anotherturnoffwasthemultitudeoftextshereceived,somehowmanagingnottobreakspeech

andanswerthematthesametime.Andhe'sjittery.NotnervousIdon'tthink,butconstantlyin
motionlikeatoddleronchocolateandcoffee.Maybeheinfuseshimselfupwithamegadoseof
caffeinewhileatwork.Oh,andhaveImentionedhegoestothebathroomeverytwentyminutes?
I'vestartedtimingit.

I'vetakentoupdatingtheblogwiththedinnermenu,nothavingmuchelsetoreport.Ispentthelast

coupleofnightsindulginginpulledjackfruitandblackbeantacoswithcolorfulpineappleandheirloom
tomatosalsa.Dessertthatnight:S'moresbark,whichwasatriplelayeredthreatofchocolate,graham
cookie,andmarshmallow.IgotphotographicevidencesoI'dneverforgetthemeals.Sadly,I'llalsonever
forgetabouthisgrandmother'shipreplacement,hisconspiracyaboutthestirringsticksthatroutinelygo
missingatthecoffeeshop,andvariousotherpiecesofinformationthatholdnorelevancetomylife—or
his.He'sawalkingWikipediaofuselesschatter.Atotalbumout,but…thefoodredeemshim!

Theotherdinnerwasapastadishwithburrata,freshbasil,andaspicy,creamy,Idon'tknow-what-y

saucethatwassodivineIswearIhadanorgasm.Thatalsocouldhavehadsomethingtodowiththe
bottleofRoséIpolishedoff.Bytheendofthenight,Iwasfeeling,howshallIputit?HowwouldKatput
it?Inaword,frisky.Itmightbetheredlipstick.ButBashwouldn'tknowhedoesn'tletmetalkandifIeek
outasingleword,hebulldozesrightoverme.

IwassofullwhenIleftthough,thatevenifIhadtheenergytobakecookiestoenticeSpencertocome

over,hecouldn'tbecausehe'soutoftown.Tomorrow'sdailydareisforself-pleasureandwithanyluck,
I'llhavetheapartmenttomyself.

Idon'tincludethelastbitsinthesummary,butonlymomentsafterIclickpublishthere'sanemail

notificationwithToriaskingmefortherecipes.

IreplyI'lldomybest.

Mybedroomdoorfliesopen."Nevermindtherecipes,Iwantleftovers."

Iraisemyeyebrows.

"What?IsubscribetoyourblogsoIgetinstantupdateswhenyoupost.Itseemslikeyouhavea

growingaudience.AndnotjustTori,Marc,Lydia,andtherest."Shepeersovermyshoulderattheblog
dashboardandclicksthestatsbutton."Whoa,you'vehadthirty-thousandhits.My,you'repopular."

"So,whathaven'tyoupubliclyprofessedaboutMan-bun?Ifeellikeyou'rekeepingsomethingfrom

me.Arehisbedroomskillsaslegendaryastheoneshehasbehindthestove?"

"Uh."IpickatapricetagonapackageofValentine'sDaydecorationsIpickedtolivenupthefrontof

mydeskatwork.

"Don'ttellmeyouhaven't—"Hermouthfallsopen."Hehasn'tbastedyourturkey?"

Ishakemyhead.

"Youhaven'tmarinatedhiseggplant?"

"Nope."

"Pleasetellmeyou'veatleastpreheatedtheoven."

Ithrowupmyhands."Ihavenoideawhatyou'retalkingabout."

"Iwantrecipes.Iwantleftovers.AndIwantadetailedreportofwhatkindofkisserheis,gotit?"

*

IknockonBash'sdooratexactlysevenp.m.justlikeIhaveallweek.Theyeastysmelloffreshbaked

breadhasmeallbutbanginghisdoordownwhenhedoesn'tanswerrightaway.Musicplays.DudeTaco
barks.Ihearmen'svoicesrisingandfallingoverthedin.

Thedooropensabruptlyandtwoguys,eachdressedinblack,exit.Ican'ttellifthey'repissedorfull

fromaheartymealandneedtogoliedownandwatchasportsgame.Theybreezepastme.

IstepintoBash'sapartment,waitingforhimtoappear,worriedtheywerehitmen,andI'llfindhim

assaultedwithhisownkitchenknife.

"Hello,"Icall,steppinginside,butdon'tclosethedoorbehindme."Hello,"Irepeat.

DudeTacoisalloverme,tryingtolickmylipstickoff.

"Oh,hey,"hesays,emergingfromthebedroom,thankfullyaliveandwithallofhisfingers.Hewipes

hisnose.

"How'sitgoing?"Iasknervously.Aglancearounddoesn'tindicateanyoverturnedchairsorsignsof

struggle.

Hislipsdoanoddtwitching,chewingthingandthenhesays,"Hungry?"

"Yeah.Isthisanokaytime?"Iaskleadingly.

"Oh,yeah.Ijustneedtograbarecipe."

"Speakingofrecipes,myfriendKatya,who,um,arrangedthis,iswonderingifyoucansharetheones

fromthelastfewnights.She'senviousofmynightlydinnerreports."

Helaughsthenlaunchesintothekitchentostarttonight'smeal."We'rehavingReubensonhomemade

sourdoughbread,parmesangarlicgreenbeanfries,anddoubledillcoleslaw."Thenhecatchesmeupon
thelatestgossipfrombothhisparents'restaurantandthecoffeeshop.

Whenhe'stryingtorememberthenewesthire'sname,Iinterject,"Whydon'tyouopenarestaurant?

You'dbeastartupsuccess.I'dbeyourmostloyalcustomer."I'msuchaflirtingfailure.

"Businessisalreadybooming,"hesaysvaguely.Hegoesontohaveaone-sidedconversationabout

thedifferencebetweenhobbiesandjobs.It'ssomethingI'vebeengivingsomethoughttolatelywithmy
dissatisfactionworkingforBouche,theUBossprogram,andmynotsmallconundrumaboutwhattodo
withmylife,butIcan'tgetawordintoexploremytakeonthesubject.

AfterBashservesdinner,Itakeafewpicturesandfindmyselfeatingmorequickly,ifonlytomove

thingsalongandseeifheandIhaveanyromanticsparks.Allthewhile,Bash'slegjittersatarapidclip
underthetableandDudeTacorunsincircles,roundingupimaginarysheep.Thenthere'sdessert.With
muchfanfare(andadetailedexplanationofthedifferencesbetweenpropaneandbutanetorches),Bash
presentsaperfectCrèmeBrule.Thetopisbrownedandcrystalline,theinsidemoistandflavorful.Even
ifthekissisasdullasatorchwithoutfuel,Imightcontinueseeinghimifonlytoeatlikeaqueen.

Afterhe'sgonetothebathroomsixtimes(I'mkeepingtrack),andthere'snochancehislipswillstop

longenoughformetoseeiftheykissaswellashecooks,Ireleaseanexaggeratedyawnandcallita
night.

"Berightback,"hesays.

Iputonmycoat.

"Hangon,"hecalls,perhapsrealizinghe'slosingme.

Ibuttonallthebuttons."Promisetoemailtherecipes."

He'sapproachingfromthehallasInearthedoor.

"Don'tforgetthebrownies,"Isay,pullingonmymittens.

"I'llgetyousomesourdoughstarterforthebread."

"Bye."

"Seeyoutomorrow,"hesays,joggingtowardmeasDudeTacoracesalongsidehim,butbeforeIcan

decline,he'salreadyoffandjabberingaboutthedishhe'sgoingtosurprisemewith.Islowlybackaway,
mybellyfull,andmakeaquietexit.

I'mnotentirelysurehe'snoticedIleftwhenIgettothegroundfloorandhearhimsayingsomething

aboutsavorypumpkin.

OnFriday,Idraftupmyblogentry,promisingnolessthanthirty-sixpeoplevariousrecipesfromthe

week.Thedescriptionsaccompanyingthephotoshavecertainlycausedmorethanafewfood-gasms
amongmyreadership.

BeforeIcancheckinwithmygirlsonUBoss,Katcomesin."Honey,I'mhome,"shecalls."I'm

starving.WhileImakesomepatheticmealfromabox,tellmewhatyouatetonight."

Instead,IdescribesomeofBash'sstrangerbehaviors,includingthejittering."Kat,hepractically

vibrateswithenergy.Itmakesmedizzy."

"Heworksatacoffeeshop.I'msurehedrinksbucketsfulofespresso."

"There'snochemistryandnosensehe'sinterestedinanythingotherthanhearingthesoundofhisown

voice."Iflopontothecouch.

"Givehimonemorechance.Yousaidhe'smakingyousomethingspecialtomorrownight,right?"

Inod.

"Maybehejustwantstotakeitslow.NoteveryguyislikeSpencerandhassexonthefirstdate.You

shouldknowthatsomemenarecivilizedandtrytogettoknowagal,theoldwineanddine,beforethey
makeamove."

Ithrowheraliftedeyebrowofdoubt.

"Okay,notalotofguys,butperhapsBashisprogressive,hedoeshaveaman-bun."

Afteraboringdayatwork,duringwhichBouchemakesmeremovetheValentine'sdoilyheartsIstuck

onmydesk,ItrytosnoopandfindoutwhyCarrick'saclient,certainhe'snotincelebritynews,a
musician,orotherpublicfigure,asidefrombeingaKennely.Buteverythingislockedinpassword
protectedfiles.IdosomeofmyUBossreadingandthenfillinthegirlsinthegroupchat.Theygivemea
bonusdailydarefortomorrow:getBashtotakehishairdown.Ipictureaslowmotionshakeofhishead,
hishaircascadingloose,andit'ssexyAF.

Thefollowingeveningispredictable,butdeliciousmonotony,andit'sjustDudeTaco,Bash,andme.

He'sinthekitchen.

Isitatthetablewithabottleofwine.

Heminces,stirs,andwhisksallthewhilekeepingupconstantcommentaryaboutwhat,Ihavenoidea,

—I'vestoppedpayingattentionandstartedansweringblogcommentsandquestionsonmyphone.

IcouldprobablyreciteHomer'sIliadandhewouldn’tnotice.However,thereisthebonusdailydare

frommyaccountabilitypartners…

Isidleupbehindhiminthekitchen.

Iliftontomytoesandwhisper,"Bash,"intohisear.

Hestartlesandthensays,"Behind."

"Behind?"Iask.

"Whenyou'reinakitchenandyou'rebehindsomeone,youalwaysgivethemtheheadsup.Common

courtesy.Accidentprevention.Behind."

"Behind,"Irepeat.

Iswallowhard;summonmyUBossgirlpowerandabitofKatya'sbrazenness.ItakeBashbythe

shouldersandturnhimtofaceme."There'ssomethingI'dlikeyoutodoforme."

Hiseyesdartfromcountertostovetop.

"Bash,attention,overhere,please.Justforasec.Wouldyoutakeyourhairdown?"

Hisarmfliestothebackofhishead."Thebun?Down?Inthekitchen?Noway.It'snotsanitary.

Healthcodeviolationforsure."

#Fail.

Ireturntomyseat,finishmyglassofredwine,anddevourthecreamypumpkinrisottowithsage,

freshshavedparmesan,andasideofbraisedbroccolinionmyplate.Timetopackitupandmakea
gracefulexit.

There'sarapidknockonthedoor.

Bashdoesn'tbreakhissoliloquyabouttheongoingfoodwasteproblemintheworldwhilehe's

checkingmessagesonhisphone.

"Bash,"Isay,raisingmyvoice."Thedoor."

Theknockingcontinuesandtheshakyvoicefromtheothersidesays,"Butterpecan."Then,"Roasted

garlic."

Bashgoessilentastheurgentknockingcontinues.

"Cilantrolime."

Bashgetstohisfeet.

Thepersondesperatelycalls,"Chocolatemousse."

Iwonderifhehostsotherpeoplefordinnerdatesandthisguyishavingsomeseriouscravings.

Bashpullsopenthedoor.

Aguywho'sjustaboutasthreadbareashisdenimjacketstandsinthedoorwayscratchingthesideof

hisgauntface.Heasks,"Yougotanything?"

"Itoldyou,businesshoursarefromonetofive.Andthisweek'spasswordissmashedpotatoes."

"Yeah,butIneedafix.C'mon,helpmeout,man."

Metoo,buddy,metoo.Bashmaybenearlyintolerableintheconversationdepartment,butthere'sno

denyinghe'saphenomenalcook.

Thentheguysays,"Bash,comeon.Justsomepills,weed,coke...I'lltakeanything."

Idon'tthinkhemeansthesoftdrink.Thisisbad.Very,verybad.I'veseenenoughTVshowstoknow

thatifthepoliceshowup,I'mguiltybyassociation.

Bash,silencedatlast,glancesoverhisshoulderatmeasIgettomyfeet,knockingmychairaskew.I

grabmycoatandbag,andpauseonlylongenoughbythedoortosay,"Thismightbeagoodtimetoadmit
thatI'musingyouforfood,soI'mnotpassingjudgement,butitappearsasifyou'reusing,ifnotselling,
drugs.Goodnight."

Andgoodriddance.

"It'sjustasidejob.It'snotasbadasyouthink."

Iglanceattheguy,leaningonthedoor,shakingandprobablygoingthroughwithdrawals.

"I'msureit'sworse."

"Hangon,wait,"hesays,butIdon't.Notforsavorytartelettes,notforcreamcheeseandavocado

wontons,andnotforpastaAlfredo.Likebefore,asIrushdownthestairs,hisvoicefollowsmewiththe
promiseofmoredeliciousmeals,butI'mdone.

I'mkickingthisdelicioushabit.

Chapter17

ZeroStars

WhenIgethome,KatyaiswatchingTVwithherhandburiedinabowlofpopcorn."Where'smy

doggiebag?"sheaskswhenIcomeinthedoor.

Ishakemyheadandshepouts.

"Onestar,Kat.Halfastar.Aneighth."

"Whatdoyoumean?"sheasks,mutingthetelevision.

"TheMan-bun-baristaisn'taLatinlover,aGreekplayboy,oranItalianheartthrob.Hecouldbestbe

describedasadrugdealer."

Katchokesonakernel."What?"

Inod."Itallmakessomuchsensenow,"Isay,pacinginfrontofthescreen,frozenonastarletwith

hermouthwideopenasifshe'sjustasshockedasme.

"Idon'tbelieveit."

"Letmepresenttheevidence:hehardlyatethefoodhecooked."

Sheshrugs."That'snotahugedeal."

"Theincessanttalking,theconstantinfluxoftexts,thetimedtripstothebathroom."

"Nervousnessorcaffeine,afullsociallife,andaweakbladder,"Katsays,refutingmyclaims.

"Thetwoguysthatweretheretheotherday."

"Yousaidtheywerefriendsfromarestaurant,"shesaysasthoughthat'seasyenoughtobelieve.

"Thentonight,"Istart,readytoclosethecasewiththewhoppingburdenofproof,"therewasaknock

onthedoorwhileIwaspoweringdownmypumpkinrisotto."

"That'swhereyouwentwrong.Risottoisthekindofmealyousavor.Mmm."Shelicksherlips."And

it'snotstrangethathe'dhaveafriendstopover."

"Ifyouhadtositthereandlistentohimtalkabouthisgrandmother'shipreplacementrecovery,you'd

wanttodineanddashtoo.Buttheguyontheothersideofthedoorkeptshoutingrandomfoods:roasted
garlic,butterpecan,smashedpotatoes—turnsoutthatwasthisweek'spassword."Icrossmyarmsinfront
ofmychest."Hesaidbusinesshoursarefromonetofiveincaseyou'rewondering."

"Maybeheteachesacookingclass.Healsoworksatthecoffeeshop.Whywouldheneedbothjobs?"

"Probablytofindnewclients.Kat,theguywhostoppedbysaidheneededafix.Coke,pills,weed,"I

repeatwhatIheardandrubmytemples.

"Oh."

"Zerostars,"Isay."I'llneverbeasecondclasscravinginarelationship."

"Amen,"Katsays."ThegoodnewsisIrecordedtonight'sepisodeoftheBachelorforyou.Fivestars

forBlakeandSasha."

"Shh.Don'ttellmewhogottherose!"

"Itwassogood,I'llwatchitagain."Hersmiletiltstowardapology."SorryBashwasadud."

IsettleinonthecouchnexttoKatya,helpmyselftoahandfulofpopcorn,andatleastfortonight,am

thankfulI'msingle.

*

It'stheendofweekoneoftheUBossprogramandwhataweekit'sbeen:Imadeitbacktoworkand

keptalowprofileafterthecoffeeincident.IdiscretelypokedaroundtofindoutwhyCarrickneedsa
publicist,butcouldn'tevenpryinfofrommycoworkers,leadingmetobelievehe'stherefordamage
control.However,Ididaninternetsearch,butdidn’tfindanythingincriminating.

Tonight'sUBossassignmentistopouraglassofwineandfixacheeseplatebeforeloggingontothe

groupchat.IhaveafewslicesofrubberyAmericanonmyplate,staleSaltines,andarapidlybrowning
apple.Idon'tphotographitliketheotherwomandowiththeirhighlystylized,Pinterestworthycreations.

Iscanthegroup'shighlightsoftheweekofdaring.

Onewomanreportsthatherboyfriendmadeherapastadinner;previously,theclosesthe'dcometo

preparingamealwasorderingpizza.Anotherfoundherselfspeakinghermindmoreofteninsteadof
worryingshemightoffend.DaisyDuke31realizedshealreadyhadloadsofoutrageousandfabulous
clotheshiddeninthebackofhercloset.MichelleMhasgonetothemovieseverynightthisweekand
lovedeverymomentofthequiettheater—andtheTwizzlers.

Myfingershoveroverthekeyboard.I'mnotsurewhattosaywhenMimiBoss'siconlightsupto

indicateshe'swriting.

Ladies,you'vedoneanamazingjobwiththeweekofdaring.You'veofferedeachother

outstandingamountsofsupport.I'mreallyenjoyingthesepowerfulrecountsoftheboldredlips,
fabulousnewclothes,tripstothemovies,andsoon.

Now,Idareyoutogodeeper.Iwantyouthinkabouthowtheseexperiencesmakeyoufeel.

Wordslikeconfident,bold,beautiful,independent,andcharismaticflashbyonthescreen.Ithink

aboutmyredlips,myvisittothemovietheater,anddancingnakedintheapartment.ItypeCloser.

MimiwritesTellusmore.

Ifeelclosertothewomeninthegroup,closertomyself,andclosertoallofthequalitieswritten

above,butit'slikeI'montheedgeofknowingsomethingbigaboutmyself,butit'sstilljustoutof
reach.

Mimi'savatarlightsup.Bigshiftsinourlivestaketime.ThebestsuggestionIcanofferistotrust

thatyou'llbeledtoyourownpersonalmiracletohelpbethebestbossofyourlife.

Ispendthenextseveralhoursonthegroupchat,whilemembersaskquestionsandMimicoachesthem

todiscovertheirownanswers.Sheencouragesusallnottobeafraidtoaskourburningquestions
becauseifoneofusiswondering,there'sachancesomeoneelseistoo,orintheveryleasttheensuing
dialogwillbenefittheothermembersinwitnessingtheprocessofwhatMimilikestocalldiggingfor
gold.

It'slikeagrouptherapysessionandalthoughwecan'tseeeachother'stears—therearemany.

Althoughwecan'thugoneanother—thesentimentisthere.However,thestrugglesthesewomenare
havingwithmarriages,ailinglovedones,dyingparents,andsoforthseemmuchbiggerthanmymeasly
quandary.

TheclockticksdowntotheendofthesessionandMimi'savatarlightsup.

Navybean,wehaven'theardmuchfromyou.What'sonyourmind?

Frombehindthesafetyofmyscreen,IwriteAllofthewomeninthisprogramaresobraveand

haverealproblems.Mineisprettyfirstworld.Isensethey'rewaitingtoknowwhatitissoIwriteI
hatemyjobanddon'tfeellikesittinginacubicleismycalling.Igoontodescribemypreviousjob,
theworkenvironment,howitateawayatmysoul,robbingmeoftime,happiness,andfulfilment,thelong
hours,andthenbeingletgo.IfeellikeI'matacrossroadsandmycompassisn'ttellingmewhich
directiontogoin.

MimiwritesIdon'tthinkthat'syourproblem.

What?That'sexactlymyproblem.

Youdon'tneedtoreadacompasstofigureoutwhichdirectiontotake.Youneedtofollowyour

heart.EasyforMimitosay.

HercommentburnssomethinginsidethatIcan'tidentifyotherthanfeelingaprickle,anirritation,an

energythatmakesmeclenchmyjawandballmyhandsintofists.

Iclosemycomputerwithoutsigningoff.Shedoesn'tknowme,mystory,orthatmyheartdidaterrible

jobguidingmethelasttimeIlistenedtoit.Astormbrewsinside,windsofwarcutacrossthepeaceful
calmMimitriedtocultivate.Thecloudsfillingmymindaren'tgray,butred.Anger.Deceit.Distrust.The
truthisthatmyheartisaliar.Tearsstingthecornersofmyeyeslikeliquidfire.Ifthisistheadvice
Mimi'sgoingtogiveme,theUBossprogramisawasteofmoney,andIshouldgetarefundsoIcanpay
myportionoftherent.

I'mabouttoflipmylaptopbackonandgiveherapieceofmymindwhenIspotacrumbledpieceof

paperonthefloor.IpickitupandsmoothittorevealCarrick'snumber.

It'snotMimiwhoneedstohearmyriotofcomplaints.It'shim.

Theringingofthephoneisdistanttothebattlecryrisingtomylips.

"Navy?"Surpriselaceshishuskyvoice.

Idon'ttakeacalmingbreath.Idon'thesitate.Mywordsfeellikelightningandthunder."Carrick

Kennely,I'mpissed."

Iwaitforthebeeptellingmehehungup.

"I'vewantedtotalktoyou—"

"Oh,haveyou?Youthinkyoucancharmyourwayoutofthis?LikeI'vebeenpiningawayforyouall

thistime?Youexpectmeto—after—"Ihearhimtryingtogetawordin,butItakeacuefromBashand
verballybowlhimover."Youhavenoideawhatyourstupidactofselfishnessdidtome.Itwas
humiliating.Itbrokeme.Myworldcrumbled.Yourswastheworstkindofbetrayal.Whycouldn'tyou
havejustsaidsomething?Anything?"Thetearsthreatentobreach,butvulnerabilitybedamned.I'vekept
thistomyself,hopingitwouldgoaway.Ithasn't."Ifeltconfusedandhurt.Atfirst,Icouldn'tbelieveit,
butrealityislikeaslapinthefaceandyoursstungtheworst.I'vebeenlosteversinceandtrying—and
failing—tofindmyway.Youknowwhatsomeonejusttoldme?Tofollowmyheart.Someoneelse
suggestedIdothatonceanditdidn'tworkoutsowelldidit?"Mybreathcomesinheavypuffs.Ipauseto
calmdown.

"Canwetalkaboutthisinperson?"heasks.

"What?Soyoucan—"

"Itwon'tbelikethatthistime.Iprom—"

"Don'tyoudaremakeapromise,"Ispit.

"Willyoumeetme?"

Idon'tanswer.

"Howabouttomorrowmorningforbrunch."HesuggestsarestaurantonLafayette."Tenokay?"

"TenattheUrbanTable?Ipromise,"Isaywithacruellaughandthenhangup,mychestrisingand

fallingrapidly.I'mhighonvengeance,alittleloopyonmyintentiontoseehowhelikesthetasteofa
brokenpromise.

MaybeMimimeantformetofollowmybitterheart.

*

Withmypatheticcheeseplateandglassofwineempty,Istepoutofmyroomtogetarefill.Kat'sdoor

clicksclosed.Didshehear?IswallowthatquestionandothersthatnotevenMimiBosscananswerwith
therestofthewine.

Itossandturninbedthatnight,pricklywithangerthatedgestowardregretasthehourstickby.I

wasn'tanylessharshthanCarrickdeserved,thoughhecouldhaveheldupamirrorandreflectedthenasty
backtome.

Ifinallydozearoundthreea.m.onlyformyeyestopopopenathalfpastnine.IcouldhaveswornI

heardthebeepbeepofanalarmpullingmefromadream.Thefrontdoorslams,indicatingKat'sjustleft.
Theemptyglassonmynighttableremindsmewhymyheadpounds.

Ipullonapairofleggings,afuzzysweater,tiemyhairback,andbundleup.No,I'mnotgoingtomeet

Carricklookinglikethis.I'mnotgoingtomeethim,period.I'mgoingtowatchhimwonderwhereIam.I
wanttoseeifhisfacelookedlikeminewhenhebrokehispromise.

ImakemywaytoLafayette,keepingmyeyesavertedincasewe'recomingfromthesamedirection.I

don'twanthimtospotme.Forthefirsttimeever,I'mthankfulit'sonlyninedegreesoutandmyhatand
scarfconcealmostidentifiablepartsofme.

I'mhopinghe'sseatedbyawindowsoIcanspyfromoutside.WhenI'mablockaway,Icatchsightof

himaheadofmejustbeforeheducksintotherestaurant.Iwaitacoupleofminutesandthentakea
surreptitiousstrollpastthewindows,hopingtospothimwaiting.Histallformpassesthehostessbooth
andvanishesintothediningroom.

Thesmellofcheesyeggsandbaconteasesmewithacureformyhangover.Aloudgroupofcollege

students,probablywithasimilarneedforagreasybreakfast,absorbsmeasoneoftheirownandtugsme
intotherestaurant.I'mtryingtogetbackoutthedoorwhenthefamiliarcallofmynamefreezesmelike
theiciclesontheawning.

"Navy,Navy!"afamiliarfemalevoicecalls.

Icouldmakearunforit.Icould.Ishould.

"Nicehat."

Sheplucksitfrommyhead,nodoubtliftingmyhairintounflattering,static-ytendrils.Iturntoface

Katyaholdingtheknithatinherhands.

"Thisonewasalwaysmyfavorite.Iwaswonderingwhereitwent.Haveyouhaditforthelastfive

years?"

IfIrecall,hergrandmotherknitteditanditsomehowendedupinmyboxofwintergearwhenweleft

school.Imeanttogiveitback.Iswear.Idonothaveawinterhat-hoardingproblem.AndifIdid,I'd
blameitonmyhair.

"Whatareyoudoinghere?"sheasks,gazingattheceiling.She'seithersuddenlyfascinatedwith

industrialstyleheatingventsoraterribleliar.

"Iwasgoingtoaskyouthesamequestion."

"Meetingsomeone?"sheasksme.

"Justhavingbreakfast."

"Saysthegirlwhorarelyleavestheapartmentsolo."Shejittersalaugh."Thegirlwho'dnevergoesto

themoviesorshoppingalone…"

Crap,she'sontomeandmyattemptstoimprovemylife.Idon'tresistwhensheushersmeintothe

diningroom.

Ikeepmyeyesfixedontheflooraheadofme,notdaringtolookaround.Thedelicioussmellsof

pancakes,enticingcinnamonspiceofFrenchtoast,savoryomelets,andfreshbaked,toasted,andbuttered
breadturnsmystomach.

Inalower,morealluringregister,Ihearmynameoverthehead-poundingclatterofcutleryandjolly

morningchatter."Navy,Navy."Carrickgetstohisfeet,liftinghismugofcoffeeingreeting.

Ishouldn'tbesurprised,butitdoesn'tseemlikeKatiseither.

Chapter18

Toodles

"Ihaven'tbrushedmyteeth,"IhissatKatya,makingnomovementclosertoCarrick'stable.

"Butthankfullyyougotoutofbed,whatwiththisbrunchdateandall,"shesays,thrustingmetoward

him.

"Thisisnotadateand,"Isputter,"it'snotwhatitlookslike."

"Thenexplainwhatitis,"shesays,givingmybundledappearanceaonce-over."Youlooklikeyou

justrolledoutofbed."

"Idid.DoIhaveyoutothank?"Iasksuspiciously.

"Iheardyoumakingplansanddidn'twantyoutooversleep."Sheshrugs."Sorry,notsorry.Atleast

youcouldhavebrushed,"shetucksherheadbackasthoughdisgustedbymygeneralappearance,
"something."

"Ihadaroughnight."

"Iheard."

"Whatdidyouhear?"

Beforeeitheroneofuscanconfess,Carricksays,"Goodmorning.Didn'tknowyouwerejoiningus

too,Katya."

Neitheroneofusresponds.

HisconfusionisshortlivedwhenKatlooksathernon-existentwatchandsays,"Gottarun.Sofunny

toseeyoubothhere,"shesays,feigningignorance."Smallworld,alwaysrunningintoeachother."She
finisheswithanervouslaugh.

"Weweremeetingforbrunch,"Carricksays,confirminghersuspicions.

Katpauses."Ohreally?Wasthatapromiseyoumade?"sheasks,anglingasharpeyebrowatme.

"I'mhere,aren'tI?"Iblurt.

"Yeah,"Carricksayswithasmile."Yousureyoucan'tjoinus?"heasksKatyaasthoughthepresent

conversationandtheoneweshouldhavewon'tbeawkwardenough.

"Aw,thankyou.That'ssosweet.ButIreallyshouldgetgoing.Ihavetoteachaclasssoon.Youtwo

enjoybrunch.TheChallahbreadtheyhavehereisthebestintown.Toodles."Shewavesandthenrushes
off.Afeweyesfollowheroutoftherestaurant,butafewotherstrainonCarrick,toweringoverourtable.
Tensionripplesoffuslikesteamfromafreshcupofcoffee.

"I'm,uh,notfeelingwell,"Isay.

Atthispoint,it'snolie.Isensepeoplewatching,maybeIreallydolookasbadasIfeel,and

customersareafraidI'mgoingtohurlallovertheirfreshlymadebreakfasts.

"Youshouldhavecalled.Wecouldhaveplannedadifferenttime."

"Ilostyournumber."

"Shouldn'titbeonyourphonefromwhenyoucalledlastnight?"heasks,puzzled.

"Myphonebatterydied."

Justthen,itbeepsinmyhand.Ireflexivelyglanceatit.KatwroteSitdown.

Idon't.

"Oh,lookatthat.Itmusthaverecharged."MywordssoundasweakasIsuddenlyfeel.

"Navy,thisishardformetoo,"Carricksays.

Imeethiseyes,challenginghim."Isit?"

"Believeitornot,yes."

"Why?Becauseyoucanhardlylivewithyourselffortheguiltorbecauseyoucan'tseemtomoveon?"

That'snotwhatImeanttosay.IreallywantedtolethimhaveitwithaverbalassaultlikeIdidlastnight,
butsurroundedbyaroomfulofbrunchtimecivilityandtheuneasetossinginmystomach,Irelent.

BehindthefinelycultivatedKennelymaskofgoodbreedingandmanners,hisfacefalls,oratleast

that'swhatIwanttosee.Iturntoleave.

"Navy,please.Please.Let'stryagain."

"Raincheck,"Isay,turningtostormoff.Theroomtiltsinadizzywaveasnausearollsoverme.I

instantlyregretusingthatparticularphrasebecauseitsuggestspossibilityandIwantnothingtodowith
Carrick.Nottoday,notinthenearordistantfuture,notever.

"When?"heasks.

Istepbackward,knockingintosomeone'schair."Sorry,"Isay.Mycheeksburn.

Wehaveanaudience,mostlyout-of-townerswholacktheNewYorksensibilitytomindtheirown

business.

"Sometime."

"Navy.Onehour,that'sallIask.Icanexplainoratleasttryto."

"Aw,givetheguyanhour,"aladysaysbeforeeatingapieceofFrenchtoastslatheredinsyrup.

Ifeellikeacatbackedintoacorner.

"Please?"heasks.

IgiveanoncommittalturnofmyheadbecausemorethananythingrightnowIneedtogetoutofthe

steaminghotrestaurant,awayfromthepryingeyes,andfindsomecoldwaterandfreshair.

"Toodles."

WhenIgetoutside,Katyaisleaningagainstthenewspaperbox."Ididn'tthinkyou'dstay."Sheshrugs.

"Ihadtotry."

MyshouldersroundagainstthecoldandIpullmy/herhatbackon."Didhetellyou?"

"Tellmewhat?"sheasks.

"TomakesureIshowedup."

She'squietaminute,studyingmecarefully,andthenlinksherarminmine."Let'sgogetyoubreakfast

andwecantalkaboutit."

"I'mnothungry."Thelasttwenty-fourhourshavebeenonelongtantrum.Myemotionssnowballaway

frommeintheadultversionofmepoundingmyfistsonthegroundwhilekickingandscreaming.

"Coffeeatleast."

"Fine.Butnotourusualplace."

"Ohcomeon,wecantauntBashwithfurtiveglancesandslyeyes."

"No."

"You'renofun."I'mafraidshe'snotjokingthistime.

"That'swhattheykeeptellingme,"Isayinaflattone.

"Who?"sheasks,confused.

"Me."

"Youkeeptellingyourselfthatyou'renofun?"

Hearingherechomywordsmakesmesoundafewfeetoffcenterasmygrandfatherusedtosay.

"I'mnotlettingyououtofmysightuntilyoutalktome."Sheflexesherarm,stilllinkedinmine,andI

knowIwon'tbeabletogetoutfromheryogagrip.

IfIwerefouryearsoldI'djumpupanddown,throwthings,andshoutleavemealone!Instead,Isaya

sharp,"Fine,"andfollowhertoStarbucks.

SheordersusbothenoughcaffeinetoouttalkBash,andacrumbly-toppedsliceofblueberrybreadfor

me."Allthesugarinthatthingwillsoakupthepoison.Now,what'sgoingon?"

Ifidgetwithclammyhands,breakingthecoffeestirrerintoslivers.

"Navy,Iheardyouonthephonelastnight."

"Youshouldn'tlistentopeople'scalls."

"Youwereyelling.Slurring,really,butloudly."

Iwanttoyellrightnow,butthere'sahunkoftheblueberrysweetbreadinmymouth.

WhenItakeanotherbiteshesays,"Itmighthelpyouletgoifyoutalkaboutit.

Itakeanotherbite.

"Navy,Isaythisfromthemostlovingplace,butallthatstuffthathappenedwithZach,thatwasalong,

longtimeagonow.Youneedtomoveon."

Shedoesn'tknowthewholestory.AndIcan'tpossiblytellher.

Itakeasipofcoffeeandadinosaurgroansinmystomach.HonesttoGod."Listen,itgotcomplicated

withCarrick.Whatyouheardlastnightwasmetryingtoletgo.Havinghimhereinthecitydoesn'tmake
iteasy.Idon'tknowwhathewantsfromme,butyou'reright,it'stimeformetomoveon."

Shenods.Concernsoftensherfeatures"Rightnow,thebetterquestionisareyoualright?"

Ishakemyheadasanotherwaveofnauseaslidesoverme."No.No,I'mnot."Isay,rushingforthe

ladiesroom.

Ipoundonthedoorandastern,"Justaminute,"comesinreply.Idon'thavejustaminute.Itrytohold

back,tokeepitinforjustaminute,butcoffee,bitsofblueberrybread,andsomuchyucklandsinthe
nearesttrashreceptacle,mostly.

Katrushesovertomewithnapkinsandwater.

WhereIexpectrelieffrommyhangover,thenauseadoubles,andit'sallIcandotogetoutsideandsip

thefreshair.

"Can'tgoback,"Isay,strugglingtokeepmyselfupright.Myvisionblursandmyheadpoundslikethe

manypairsofbootspassingonthesidewalk.

"No,youcan'trelivethepast,"Katsayssoftly,asthoughpickingupwhereourconversationleftoff.

Throughthemalaiseofthemoment,I'mtryingtoexplainthatIcan'tgobackintoStarbucks,ever.

Embarrassmentisanunwelcome,butfrequentguestinmylife.Afterthisincident,I'llprobablybe
blacklistedforlife.Iwanttoshout,I'mnotthathungover,Iswear,butit'sasthoughaheavy,itchy,
woolenblanketdescendsoverme.

"Let'sgetyouhome,"Katsays,hailingacab.

Thecabrideisablur.Thetripuptheelevatorisadistortedreflectionofmeslouchingagainstthe

wall,myskinavagueshadeofHalloweenwitchgreen.Thewalktomyroomisalmostalreadyacloudy
memoryexceptwhenIsay,"Toodles?Whosaystoodles?"Itrytolaugh,butonlythrowupagain.

Chapter19

Uncovering

Afterthreedaysinbed,crampsreplacenausea,andasluckwouldhaveit,Igetmyperiod.Anda

migraine.Ididn'tevenhavethepleasureofmyusualrunofpmspuppyfever.IcallinsickandworryI'll
bereplacedbeforeI'mbetter.Afteranotherdayinbedwithaheatpack,I'vesweatedout,puked,and
wastedawayalltheweightIgainedwhilediningwithBash—hewassobusytalkinghe'dhardlynoticed
whenI'dtakesecondsandthirds,especiallyofthebrownies.I'mcravingthemnowbutdon'ttrustmy
stomachjustyet.Also,Idon'trecommendthismethodforweightloss,FYI.

ButthenewsenseoflightnessmaybebecauseIpurgedsomeoftheangerIfeltatMimiandCarrick.

Someofit.

ImanagetokeepmyeyesopenlongenoughtocatchuponmyemailandlogontoUBosstotellthem

I'maliveincaseeveryoneworriedIwaslyinginapuddleofmyownmiseryforthelastfewdays,which
Imoreorlesswas.

Evenifthisprogramisn'texactlywhatIwaslookingfor,theleastIcandoissupporttheother

women,oneswho,insuchashorttime,Ithinkofassisters,oratleastdistantcousins.Thesearewomen
who'dunderstandwhyIcan'tshakeKat'scommentabouthowI'mnofun.Idon'tdisagree,butthecomment
isapersistent,obnoxiousecho,whichhascertainlycontributedtomyachinghead.They'dunderstandwhy
followingmyheartisabadidea.ButI'msappedoftheenergytoexplain.

Katpokesherheadin."You'reawake.Wantanythingfromthestore?"

"Dirtybrownies?"

"Let'sstartwithtoast,"'shesaysandpadsbackdownthehall.

Ican'tbethatupsetwithherbecauseifanyonedeservessisterhoodstatus,it'sKat.She'skeptafull

glassofwaterorgingeralebymyside,sanitizedthebathroommorethanonce,andmadesureIwasstill
breathingwhenIwasn'tmoaninginagony.

IbalanceonmyelbowsandskimthemoduleforthisweekoftheUBossprogramtitleduncovering.

ThePDFoutliningwhattoexpectstatesFormostpeople,oneoftheirdeepestdesiresistobeseen,to
beacknowledged,andfortheirexperienceandexistencetoberecognized.However,somanyofus
hide.Wehidebehindcareers,relationships,stuff,weight,andstorieswetellourselves.

Ireadon.Wehidebecausewesimultaneouslywanttobeseen,butareafraidofbeingjudged.

Truth.

ThetasksImissedsofarthisweekwereTellsomeoneyoulikesomethingaboutthem:itcan'tbe

partoftheirattire,butrathertheirpersonality.

Acceptacomplimentwithasmileandthankyouinsteadofsomethingdismissivelike,"What?

Thisoldthing,it'sbeeninmyclosetforyears."

Speakupforsomeonewho'sbeenskippedinline,whoisn'tacknowledgedinclass,orwho

otherwiseisn'tusingtheirvoicetoadvocateforthemselves.Inotherwords,doforotherswhat
you'dlikedoneforyourself.

ThelastoneisHoldyourchinhigh,makeanentrancewhenyouenteraroom,anddazzle

everyonewithyoursmile.

Ireadthestoriesoftrepidationandtransformationinthechatgroup,suddenlyfeelinglikeI'mmissing

out.ItoldmyselfIwasdonewithUBossandalthoughIhavenointentionoffollowingmyheart,maybeI
couldtrytofollowMimi'sweektwomoduleandsupportmyaccountabilitypartnersDaisyDuke31,
MelodyMiles,andShellsXOX.

AsIwriteanexplanationofmyrecentabsence,they'realreadyexcitedtoseemyavatarlitupwriting

commentslike

Gladtohaveyouback!

Whereyabeen?

Wemissedyou!

Whyhaven'tyoubeenblogging?

IshareeverythingexcepttheencounterwithCarrick.

TheyinsistIwriteupablogpostaboutmyexperiencewiththeMan-bun-barista.

IreplyIt'snotfunny,he'sacriminal.

ShellsXOXcommentsIfeatingthosemealshemadewaswrong,Idon'twanttoberight.

IgotomyemailtocopyandpastesomeoftherecipesBashsharedwithme,findingloadsofemails

fromblogreaderswonderingwhereI'vebeen.

Ididn'trealizeanyonehadnoticed.

IaddanoteundermyzerostarsreviewoftheMan-bun-baristaexplainingthatI'vebeensick.Ititle

thepostTheLastSupper,includephotos,andclickpublish.Itakeafewminutesansweringemailsand
approvingcomments,beforethinkingabouttheuncoveringtasksfromthisweek.

Afterbrowsingmyattemptsatfoodphotography,courtesyofBash'sspectaculardishes,mystomach

rumbles.Itakeinventory.Hmm.Onthesaltinestobrowniesscale,IthinkI'mbacktoneutral.Something
otherthansaltinesseemslikeitmightbesafe.BesttotestthewatersbeforeIdiveinwithadirtybrownie
ortwo.

Onwobblylegs,IstumbleoutofmysickcavetofindKatinthekitchenonherphone."Hooray!

You'vereturnedtothelandoftheliving."

"Thankyoufortakingsuchgoodcareofme."

"Ofcourse."

"You'reareallygoodfriendandhuman."

"I'maunicorn,Navy.It'stimeyougetthatright."

Theflatlineofmylipsturnsintoasmile.

"YouneedsomeonelikemetotellyouthatrattyoldT-shirtdoesn'tdoyourcomplexionanyfavors."

IlookdowntoseeI'mwearinganoversized,perfectlywornincottonT-shirtfromhighschool.Onthe

frontistheschoolmascot,animageofPoseidonwieldinghistrident.Acrosstheback,asthoughburning
intomyskinarethelettersK-E-N-N-E-L-Y.Asamemberofthefootballteam,Carrickhadtoweariton
gamedaysforotherteamsfromourschoolinashowsolidarity.

"Whatthis—?"Istopmyself,recallingtheuncoveringtask.Mysmileprobablylooksliketheemoji

withthesquigglylips,butIsay,"Thankyou."

Katgivesmeasidewaysglanceandsays,"Greatblogpost,bytheway.I'vebeendyingtomakethese

brownies,"shesays,checkingthecupboardforthenecessaryingredients.

"Ifwe'reoutofsugar,youknowwheretogo,"Isayfrombehindthefridgedoor,wonderingwhatthere

istoeat,andbeingsurenottoputmybacktoherlestIrevealthelastnameemblazonedonthebackofthe
T-shirt.

"Areyouhungry?"Katasks.

"Starved.Allwehaveareoldtakeoutcontainersandcondiments."

Iwaitforhertojokeaboutcrazy-roni,butshe'squiet.

"Thatcameforyoutheotherday."She'spointsatabouquetofwhitetulipsandapaperbagnexttoit.

SomeofthewomenintheUBossgroupsentthemselvesflowersforcompletinglastweek'stasks,but

wedon'thaveeachother'saddresses,soIruleoutaspecialdeliveryfromoneofthem.Irecallthe
symbolismofwhitetulipsfromapoemIreadinhighschool:forgiveness.

Iopenthepaperbagandfindafewcansoftomatosoupandacardwithasketchofagrilledcheese

sandwich.

ThenoteinsidesaysI'dhaveincludedthebread,cheese,andbutter,butthoughtitmightgobad

beforeyouhadachancetomakeagrilledcheese.Getwellsoon.--C

WhenI'mdonereading,inasoftvoiceKatsays,"Icanbesillyandloud.IalsointerfereandI'msorry

ifthatupsetsyou,butit'sbeenbraveofyoutogetoutthere,livemore,andhavefun.Thatyou'vedonethe
daresurprisedmeinagoodway.ThenInoticedyou'dbeendoingnicethingsforyourselflately,thered
lipstickforinstance,andthatyouweretryingtohavemorefun,likegoingtothemoviesevenifby
yourself."

Iprayshedoesn'tknowaboutthenakeddanceparty.

"ThenIheardyouonthephonetheothernightandsawyourinteractionwithCarrick.Iknowthere's

moreyou'renottellingme.I'mnotgoingtopry.It'syourbusinessandIrespectyou,aspushyasIcanbe
sometimes.Butonceagain,I'mputtingitoutthere,ifyouneedsomeonetotalktoI'mhereforyou."

IsetthenotedownandthendropintothechairwithafrownIcan'tdisguise.

"Incollege,yousmiledandlaughedmoreandit'slikewitheachpassingyearyougetsadderand

sadder."

"Idon'tknowwhattodowithmylife."

"Liveit,"shesayssimply.

Butit'snotthateasyforme.Therearesomanywhatifs.Toomany,butIcan'tletthemgetintheway

oftellingmybestfriendthetruth,atleastpartofit.Idrawadeepbreathandsay,"Ijoinedaprogram
calledUBossfacilitatedbythiswomannamedMimiBoss."

Katslapsherhandonthetable."Noway.MimiBoss?"

Inod.

"She'soneofmyprivateyogaclients.Iknowherprogram."

"Youdo?"

"Yeah,it'sfabulous—sheactuallyreallyhelpedmefigureoutmyyogabusinesswhenIstartedout.If

yourecallIhaveaPhDand,um,don'tuseit.Wetradedyogaclassesforlifecoaching.I'monlysorryI
neverthoughttosuggesthertoyou."

"Youdidlifecoaching?"Iasksurprised."It'salwaysseemedlikeyouknowexactlyhowtolive."

Katyasquawksalaugh."You'renotserious.Ohmydear,Navy.I'mmotivatedandextrovertedand

impetuous,impatient...butbeinganadult?Ha.I'mstillgrowingupandifI'mhonest,Ihavealongwayto
go."

"Iwasafraidtotellyouaboutitbecausehavingfunandbeingcomfortablewithyourselfcomesso

easilytoyou."

"Youthinkit'sbeeneasyformetobecomethechiefexecutiveofficerofmylife?"

"Youknowhowtohavefunandasyouremindedmetheotherday,I'mnofun."Tearsbriminmyeyes.

"That'snotwhatImeant,butI'msorrybecauseIseehowhearingthatmighthavestung."Sherubsmy

shoulderandthenpullsmeintoahug.

ThroughthetearsdampeningherfleeceIsay,"Yourcommentwasanechoofthetruth.That'swhat's

sohardaboutit."

Katsqueezesharder."Youdoknowhowtohavefun.Youjustdon'talwaysmakeiteasyforyourself.

Yousometimesgetinyourownway,overthinkingandanalyzingthings."

"Thiscommunityofwomenhasreallyhelpedme,"Isay,pullingawayandfussingwiththehemofthe

T-shirt.

"I'mreallygladyoufoundUBoss.Forpeoplelikeuswho'redriven,butnotexactlysurewherewe're

going,itcanbetremendouslyhelpfultohaveaguideandacommunity."

"Yeah,butMimitoldmetofollowmyheart."

Katsmiles."Always."

Ishakemyhead."No."

Herhandfliestoherhipandhereyebrowarchesthreateningly."How'snotfollowingitbeenworking

outforyou?"

Idon'tanswer."Ithoughtyouweregoingtomakebrownies."

"Yep.Myheartreliablyleadsmetochocolate.Andyours…acanoftomatosoup,"shesays,pulling

outabowl."Isuggestyoutestthewatersbeforedivingintoaseaofchocolatebliss."

Ireadthecardagain,rememberingthesillysketchesI'dfindaroundtheKennelyhousehold.Carrick

wouldleavegoofyandoddlyendearingdoodlesoffamilymembersdoingthingslikehangingfromone
another'sarmslikeabarrelofmonkeys,theirfacesfloatingonabouquetofballoons,severalofthem
floatingaway,eatingdirt—thatwaswhentheirdadwasvotedintooffice.

Irecalloneheleftformewiththemoonsparklingonthewater—thetwoofusstandingonourheads

inthesand.

"Howdidheknowwherewelive?"

Katstillsherrummaginginthecabinets."Afterthecabridehome,Ihadyourphone—youalmostleft

itonthebackseat."

"Hecalled."

"Abunchoftimes."

"Didyoutalktohim?"

"Itextedthatyouweren'tfeelingwell."

Ispotmycellphoneonthecounterandseehecalledthreetimesinthelasttwodays.Igotothetext

threadnext.Therearetwicethatnumberoftexts."Idon'twantanythingtodowithCarrick.Please,Kat,
don’t,justdon't,"Isay,shakingmyhead.

"Areyousure?BecausethatT-shirtdoesn'tlooklikeitbelongedtohissister."Istudyherplacid

expression.Iseeneithermalicenortheintenttohurtme,butsomehowmycheststillaches.

"Isthereanythingelseyoushouldtellme?"Iask,butbeforeshecananswer,myphoneringsinmy

hand.

Ifacethescreentoher."It'shim.Ishegoingtobecallingeveryday?"

"Diditoccurtoyouthathecares?"

Idoubtthat.

"Answer,"sheinsists,butbeforeIcanclickdecline,she'spressedthegreenbuttononthescreen.

Ihuffoutanirritated,"Hello."

Chapter20

Carrick

Thesoundofhervoice,evenifshe'supset,bringsmerelief.Theknotsinmychestloosen.I've

spenttoolonglivinginregretatnothavingthechancetotellherthetruth—thatis,ifshe'llgiveme
thechance.Idon'tblameherfornotwantingtoseemysorryfaceeveragain.

"Areyoufeelingbetter?"Iask,knowingheranswerprobablywon'tbedelicate.

"Iwas.Notanymorenowthatyou'vecalled.Whatdoyouwant?"

Ouch."Didyoumakethesoup?"Ihearseveralbeepsandthenahum.

"I'mmicrowavingitnow.Thanks,bytheway,butyoudidn'thaveto."Hervoicesoftensandthen

hardensagain."Icantakecareofmyself."

Iwouldn'texpectanythingless,buttheedgetellsmethatwasbornoutofnecessitytoprotect

herself,notonlybecauseshe'sastrong,independentwoman.Idon'twanttothinkthatIplayedapart
inanyofthetearsshe'severshed.I'mreluctanttothinkIwasthatimportant,butthere'snodenying
thatIhurther.It'sfollowedmearoundtheworldandmademethinkaboutwhatI'ddone;howI'dhurt
someoneIcaredabout.

"How'dyouknowIwasn'tfeelingwell?"

"AfterleavingtheUrbanTable—Katwasright,theydohavethebestChallahintown,thoughI

doubtyouwanttohearthatatthemoment—Isawyougettingintoacab.Youlookedunderthe
weather.I'msorryifitwasfrombeinginmypresence."Iletoutaself-deprecatinglaugh,tryingto
keeptheconversationlightandhopingtogethertolaughtoo."I'llneverforgetthattimeeveryonegot
mono—allmybrothers,Claire—thewholehousewascontaminated.Youcameoverwithanentirecase
ofsoup,severalloavesofbread,andtheentireblockofcheesefromthedeli.TheonlythingIcould
stomachwastomatosoupandgrilledcheese."

Shecutsinsaying,"Mono?Thekissingdisease.Yeah,I'llneverforget.IsitsafetoassumeZach

gotitfromsomegirlhewascheatingonmewith?"

Oops.NotwhereImeantforhertogowiththat."Itakeitwhitetulipsaren'tgoingtograntme

forgiveness."

She'ssilent.

"WhatcanIdo?"Iask,willingtodoanything.

ThelineremainsquietandIimagineherscowling,whichisprettydamncute…andscary.She's

dropdeadgorgeouswithastrongjawline,fulllips,thatfuckingdimple,anddarkbrowneyesthat
sparkle,undereyebrowsthatcanslayamanwitheventheslightestlift.She'ssweetandfierce,and
I'venever,notinallofthecountriesI'vebeento,metawomanlikeher.

"Carrick,Iwantyoutoleavemealone,"shesaysinasurprisinglysmallvoice,eitherthatorshe

heldthephoneawayfromherbecauseshereallydoesdetestmeandcan'tthinkofanythingthatwould
grantmemercy.

Iswallowhard."Ifthat'swhatyouwant,I'llleaveyoualonebutonlyifyouagreetogettogether

withmeforrealjustonce—notlikebrunch—"

"Iwassick."

"Iknow.I'msorry.Ijust—"wantyoutoletmeapologizeproperly,showyouhowIfeel,andallow

metoshowyouhowamazingyouare.

"Justwhat,Carrick?"sheasks.

"Iwanttotalk."

Sheguffaws."Talk?Youwanttotalk?Didn'twedothatonce,allnightifIrecall—"

"I'vechanged."

"Howniceforyou.AndsohaveI.I'mnotthegirlyouremember:eager,waiting,naïve…"

"Youwereneverthatgirl.Iwouldarguethatyou'reintelligent,persevering,beautiful…"

Sheexhalesloudly.Iwouldgiveanythingtofeelherbreathagainstmyskin."Whatdoyouwant

fromme?"

Everything.

"Becauseyouknowwhat,CarrickKennely,whateveryouthinkyou'relookingfor?Idon'thaveit

andifIeverdid,youalreadytookit."Hervoicecracksatthelastwords.

"Idon'tmeantoupsetyou.Thatisn'twhatIwantatall.I—"

"Thenwhatdoyouwant,dammit?"

"Itoldyou,Ijustwanttotalk.Totellyouthetruth,Ican'tlivewith—"

"It'salwaysallaboutyou,huh?"

"That'snotwhatImeant.Please,Navy,justmeetmeandthenifyouwant,I'll—"

"Leavemealone?"

"Ifthat'swhatyouwant."

"I'mnotinclinedtogiveintothiskindofultimatum,butifitmeansyou'lllosemyphonenumber,

forgetwhatIlooklike,andthatIneverhavetoseeyouagain,fine."

Thedesolatepausepushesmeintothinkingabouthowemptylifewouldbewithouther,without

hopeofsomehowreconciling."Areyoueatingthesoup?"

"Yes."

"Isitgood?"

"Asfarastomatosoupgoes,it'smediocre."

"Ioweyouagrilledcheese."

"Youdon'towemeanything,"shesnaps.

"Navy,webothknowthatIoweyoueverything."

She'squietagain.I'mnotsureifit'sbecauseshe'seatingorthinkingorcomingupwithaharsh

retort.

"Noteverything,"shesays.

"Everything,"Irepeat,regrettingmorethananythingwhatIdidtoher.

"Canwenottalkaboutthisrightnow?"sheasksasthoughthesoupreplacedherindignationwith

alittlebitofcomfort.OrmaybeKatisintheroom.

"Butwecantalkaboutit?"

"Iguessso."

"TheGrilledCheeseFactoryoveronHoustonmakesgourmetgrilledcheesesandwiches.They

havelike,thirtyonthemenu."

"IlikemineplainonwhitebreadwithAmericancheese."

"Iknow.Theyhavethattoo.It'sonthekidsmenu."

She'snotreadytolaugh.

"Willyoumeetmethere?"Iask.

"Wheredidyouhearaboutthisplace?"sheasks,slurpingthesoup.

"Loadsofresearchwiththeintenttohelpyoufeelbetter.YouknowI'mlousyinthekitchen."I

picturehersmilingatthememoryofmeburningtoastandnotjustcharringit,butsettingthetoaster
onfire.I'dcutthebreadtoothick."Butpracticallyspeaking,theyhaveWi-Fiandalotoftables.
There'srarelyawait."IthinkIhearatinkleoflaughter."Thenyou'llmeetme?"Iask.

"Yeah.TextmetheaddressandI'llseeyouinanhour."

"Anhour?"Iask,surprisedshedidn'twanttoputitoffuntilnextweekornextyear.

"Iwanttogetthisoverwith.Butpracticallyspeaking,I'mhungryforagrilledcheese."

It'snotanexcitedOfcourseI'llmeetyoubecauseIdon'tdeservethat,notafterwhatIdid,butI'll

takeit.

Chapter21

CreamPie

Thewarmshower,thefirstI'vehadinacoupleofdays,soothestheitchthat'sbeenirritatingmesince

IgotoffthephonewithCarrick.Leaveittohimtotrysentimentalitytolifttheweightofhisguilt.

Afterward,Ipullonacleanpairofleggings,asweater,andtiemyhairinaknotontopofmyhead.

I'llwalkintotheGrilledCheeseFactorywithmychinheldhighandmakeagrandentrance.Iamuse
myselfwithcontemptuousscenariosasIstuffhisstupidT-shirtintoaplasticbag—hedoesn'teven
deserveformetowashit—andgotothekitchen.

"Youlook—"Katstarts,lickingthebatterfromthebrowniebowl.

"Notsick."

Sheclearsherthroat."Youguysshouldcomebackhereafteryoursandwichesandhavedessert.I

couldn'tpossiblyeatallofthesebrowniesbymyself."

"I'llgladlyhelp,butI'mnotsharingwithCarrick.Aftertodaywecanbothforgetabouthim."

Shepointsthespatulaatme."That'sharsh,Navy."

"Ifyouknew—"

Thespatulaclangsintheemptybowl."Yeah,ifIknew.Ifyou'dtellme.I'myourbestfriend.Ilove

youlikeasister.Iwishyou'dtrustme."

ButIcan't.Ican'ttellherthewholestorybecauseIcan'teventrustmyself.

*

Valentine'sdecorationscoverthedoor,walls,sodamachine,eventhecashregistersattheGrilled

CheeseFactory.Itlookslikecupidpukedinhere.

Thetablesformahorseshoearoundtheperimeteroftherestaurant.Carricksitsbeneathpapercutouts

ofpinkandredXsandOs.Heleanstowardhislaptop.I'dexpecthimtopoundthekeyboardwithhis
largefingers;instead,hecaressesthekeys,creatingharmonicclicking.Asignintheshapeofapieceof
Swisscheesesitsonthetablewiththenumberthirty-fouronit.

"DidyouthinkIwouldn'tshowup?"

Hequicklyclosesthecomputerandstashesitinhisbag."Itookthelibertyoforderingforus,"he

says.

Iraisemybestbitchbrow.

"PlainonwhitebreadwithAmericancheese.Iknewyouwerehungryandprobablyhaven'teaten

muchinthelastfewdayssoIdidn'twantyoutohavetowait."

"Youdidn'twanttoleavemewaiting?"Iaskwryly.

"Betterlatethannever?"Heblinkshisbestpuppydogeyes.

"Notevenslightlyamusing."Ireluctantlylowerintothechair,notsparinghimthehintofasmile.

"So,"hesays,scrubbinghispalmsdownhisthighs.

I'veseenCarricktheconfident.Carrickthestarathlete,theclasspresident,thebrother,thebestfriend,

theplayer,thedeceiver.I'veseenmanyversionsofhim,butnotthisversionwiththehand-wringing,eyes-
darting,andwiththethinbeadofsweatonhisbrow.

"So,"Irepeat.Althoughwe'verunintoeachotherafewtimesinthelastfewweeksdrawingmy

woundstothesurface,hisapparentnervousnessprickstheballoonofmycontempt,disappointment,and
rage.

"I'msorry,"hesayslamely.

"Soyou'vesaid.Ifyouwanttotalk,you'llneedmorethanthosetwowords."

Hisfacecrumblesandheswallows.Hislipspartslightly.Hefeelsterrible.Notfluterrible,just

miserable.

Themagneticpushandpull,aconfusioninpolarity,afreakofsciencecatchesmeoffguard.Iwantto

shoutathimandIwanthimtoholdmyhand.Iwantthingstogobacktothewaytheyweretenyearsago
andIneverwanttoseehimagain.

"Iregretwhathappened.Itwasreallyshittyofmeto—"

"Carrick,that'snoteventhehalfofit."

"Inevermeanttohurtyou."

IpullouttheplasticbagwithhisT-shirtandtossitinhisdirection."Thisaboutsumsitup."

Hecatchesit,glancesatmewithcuriosity,andthenpeersinside.Hewrinkleshisnose."That'show

youmademefeel?LikeastinkyoldT-shirt?"

"Used,Carrick.That'syourshirtbytheway."

Aserverbringsuseachastainlesssteelplatewithaserious-we're-not-messing-aroundgrilledcheese

sandwich.Mine,onplainwhitebreadwithAmericancheeseisthebiggest,cheesiest,meltiestmost
deliciousthingI'veeverseen.Athinlayerofextracheesecoatsthetop.It'scrispyandbuttery,butanger
andsadnessreplacehunger.

"Idraggedmyselfoutofmywarm,cozyapartmentbecauseyouwantedtotalk.TalkorIwalk."

Heopenshismouthatthesametimeasasurprisedshoutcomesfromaneighboringtable.Ayoung

woman,afreshmanincollegeatbest,staresatthemealinfrontofher.Likemyownplate,adecadent
grilledcheesesandwich,asidesalad,andcarrotstickssituntouched.

I'mtryingtobringmyselfbacktotheconversationwithCarrick,butmyattentionremainsonthegirl

who'snowcrying.Iglancearoundforanexplanation—perhapsshewaswithsomeoneandtheyhada
disagreement,butthere'snosignofadateorfriendhastilyleavingtheGrilledCheeseFactory.Plus,

there'sonlyonemealonthetable.Hershouldersshakeasshesobsintoherhands.

Afteritgoesonforanotherminute,Igotohertable,restmyhandonhershoulder,andsay,"Excuse

me.Idon'tmeantobenosy,butyouseemreallyupset—"

Shewipeshereyes."It'snothing."

"Areyousure?"

Shenodsandthenpicksupacarrotandtakesabite.

"Ifyouchangeyourmind,I'matthattablerightthere,"Isay,pointingtowardCarrick.

Sheswallowshardandsays,"Thanks."

Ireturntoourtable,butcan'thelpoverhearhertalkingonthephone.

"ShesaidIwasthereasonextra-largewasinventedandthattheyonlyhaveonesize.Thatthey'dhave

tospecialordermeashirtthatsayswideload,comingthrough.ShesaidIwastoofat."Thegirlisin
tearsagain.

CarrickandIlockeyes.

Istalkovertoherandask,"Whosaidthattoyou?"

Thegirl'sfacesquishesupandsheletsoutanothersob.

"I'msorry.Idon'tmeantomeddle."

Shetellsthepersonshe'sonthephonewiththatshe'llcallthemrightback."It'sstupid,butI'mdoing

thisprogramcalledUBoss;it'saboutgoingafterourdreamsandlivingmore."

"UBoss?"Iask."Areyouserious?"Shemeetsmysmilewithconfusion.

"I'mdoingtheprogramrightnow.UsernameNavybean."

Hermouthpartsinsurpriseandthenherfacebrightens."No,noway.Seriously?I'mMelodyMiles."

"WetalkforafewminutesabouttheprogramandthensheglancesatCarrick.Don'ttellmehe'soneof

yourdatesfromthedare."

"No!"Isayalittletooloudly."Anoldfriend.Noteventhat.Justsomeone."

Asmileflickersonherlips.

"Sowhathappened?"Iaskher.Ourconnectiontranslateseasilyfromtheonlinecommunitytothisin

personencounter.

"It'ssoembarrassing."

IglanceatCarrick."Believeme,Iknowwhatembarrassmentislike."

"Sinceyouknoweverythingelseaboutme,Iguessthere'snoharmintellingyouwhathappened.I'd

beenworkingatapharmacy,butwantedtodosomething,Idon'tknow,moredaringandfun,soI
submittedanapplicationforajobasacashierattheboutiqueBoots&Babes,downthestreet,"shesays,
gesturingvaguelytowardthedoor."IcalledtocheckonmystatusandIguessIwasn'tgoodenough."

Tearsspringtohereyes.

"Iwenttherelastweektolookfordaringoutfit."Ishakemyhead."No,you'remorethangoodenough.

Listen,ifyoufeelshamedbecauseofyoursize,rememberthis,youaren'tfat.Youmayhavefatjustlike
youhaveapinkytoe,butyouaren'tapinky.Wedon'tgoaroundsaying,'Oh,lookatthatpinkyperson.
Let'sdiscriminateagainstthembecausethey'redifferent.'Ownwhoyouareandwhatyoulooklike.
Honorthatbodyofyoursasaforceofnaturewhateversizeitis."

Shesnortsalaughthroughhertears."YousoundlikeMimi,butthankyouforsayingthat."

"Imeanitandyou'rewelcome."Ileaninclosertoher."WhenIwasthirteenmymomtookme

shoppingandIoverheardthesalesladytellingherthattheydidn'thaveanythinginmysize.Itwasalow
moment."

"Butyou'refit,"shesays.

Sortof."Iwasn'talways—itwaspartiallypubertyandIcanblamethecontentsofmypantry.Ialso

neverwantedtofeelthatlowagain.Notsopeoplelikethatladywouldn'tsaycrappythingstome,but
becauseIwantedtofeelstrong.Strongenoughtodeflectshittycomments."Iflexmynot-so-buffarm.

"Wow."

"EvenifIwasstillthesizeIwaswhenIwasthirteen,thatwouldbeokaybecauseIknowthatI'ma

goodpersonandyouaretoo.Whoeversaidthattoyouontheotherhand..."

"Yeah,"sherollshereyes,"Pumera."

"Pumera?AtBootsandBabes?'Isnarl."I'llbesurenevertoshopthere.Enjoyyourdinner,"Isay,

givingMelodyahug."Itwasnicemeetingyou."

CarrickputsdownhissandwichhalfwhenIsitbackdown."Iheardwhatyousaidtoher.Thatwas

goodofyou.Whenwe'redonehereshouldwegoovertoBootsandBabes?"Hissmileisasslyasmine.

"That'sexactlywhatIwasthinking."ItakeabiteofmysandwichandlookuptoseeCarrickstaringat

me."What?"

"IrememberwhenIgaveyouthatT-shirttowear.Ididn'tthinkyou'dmeetme.Ididn’tthinkyou'dgo

skinny-dipping.Ididn'tthink—"

"It'sbetternottothinkaboutit."

"Isitthough?"

"Itworksforme."

"Doesit?"

No,notatall.

Carricktakesadeepbreathandsays,"AftereverythingthathappenedwithZachandthenClaire,what

Iwantyoutoknowiswhathappenedwithus,wasaboutus.Atleastthat'showIfeltaboutit.Itwasn't
aboutyouonthereboundbecauseofZach.Itwasn'tbecausewehadbleedingheartsafterlosingClaire.I
alwayshadfeelingsforyou.Ihookedupwithanewgirleverymonth,week,atanygivenpartytodistract

myselffromhowmuchIwantedtohavesomeoneIcouldn't.IkeptthetruthaboutZachfromyoubecauseI
didn'twanttoseeyouhurt."

"Theomissionhurtworse.Itrustedyou.YouandIwerenearlyascloseasClaireandIwere."

"IwantyoutoknowthatIcaredaboutyouthen.Icareaboutyounow.Ididn'tmeanforeverythingto

fallapart."

"Thenwhydidyouleave?"Thepressurebuildinginmychestblaststhewordsathimandliftsmeto

myfeet.

"Whyareyouabouttoleave?"heasks,reachingformyhand.

"Becausethisisgettingtoointense,"Iadmit.Myjawquivers.

"Thenlet'sunintensifyit."

Adeepcreaseformsbetweenmyeyes,butIsitbackdown.

"Iknowwehaveahistory.IknowIshouldhavetoldyouaboutZach.AndIknowthatIwanted

everythingthatcameafterthat."

"YouknowwhatIknow?Youthrewitaway.Youthrewmeaway,Carrick."

Hereachesformyhands,butIputtheminmylap."Navy,pleasehearmewhenIsaythis.Icareabout

you.Alot.IknowthatI'dliketogettoknowyouagain.Atleast,I'dliketobefriends,ifyoucanforgive
me."

Igettomyfeet."TheproblemisIcan'tforgivemyself."IglanceovermyshoulderasIwalkaway.

"I'mgoingtobuyapie,preferablyonewithcream."

Hischairslidesalongthefloor.Idon'tlookback.

Atadinerdownthestreet,Ipeerintothedisplaycase."I'dlikeoneofthose,"Itelltheguybehindthe

counter,pointingatthelemonmeringuepierotatingawayfromme.

"Oneslice?"heasks.

"No,thewholepie.Togo."

AndI'lltakethatonewhileyou'reatit,"Carricksays,pointingtoachocolatecreampieonalower

shelf.Thewholepie."He'sbreathingheavyasthoughheranhere.Hejigglesaboxandsays,"Igotyour
grilledcheesetogo."

WecrossthestreettotheglowofthepinkneonsignforBootsandBabes,ahipboutiquewithclothes

Katwouldadore.Thesalesteam,givingmeadismissiveonceoverwhenIsetfootinside,notsomuch.

AwomanwithenoughBotoxtopoisonasmalldogstandsimperiouslybehindthecounter.

"Excuseme.IsPumerain?"Iask.

"Yes,that'sme.I'mtheowner."Hersurgically-filledlipslooklikebloatedhotdogs.

Icovertlyopenthepiebox."Ayoungwomanwasinearlierapplyingforajob."

Pumeranodsinrecognition."Shewasn'twhatwewerelookingfor."

"That'stoobad.Butyoushouldknowthatone-sizedoesnotfitall.Except,maybewhenitcomesto

this,"Iliftthepieandinoneswiftmotion,smashitinherface.

Sheshouts,flingingcreamonthecounterandtheothergirlsasCarrickandIstormoutlaughing.

WehustledownthestreetwhenIrealizethatIinadvertentlycompletedanotheroneoftheuncovering

tasksassignedinmoduletwooftheUBossprogram.Ispokeupforsomeone.Ididsomethingtohelp
Melody,ofallpeople,tofeelseenandnotjustforhersize,butbecauseshe'sworthy.

CarrickandIsitonabenchontheedgeofalanternlitpark.Thesnowsparkles.Wecatchourbreath

andlaugh.

"Thatwasawesome.I'monlysorryIdidn’tmakeuseofthispie,"hesays,jostlingthebox.Hisfingers

brushmineandtheironinmybloodmagnetizestohis.

Ishiftoveronthebench."Icouldsmashitinyourface,butIguessthatwouldbeawaste."

"Wecouldeatit,"hesays,grinning."There'saplacenearbywherewecangetsomeforks,"headds.

Carrickhailsacab,opensthedoorforme,andgivesthedriveranaddressnotfarfrommyapartment.

"Ithoughtyousaidnearby."

Heshrugs.

Theshushingofslushunderthetaxi'stirespunctuatesthesilencethatfollows.Istealaglanceat

Carrick,illuminatedincolumnsofstreetlightsandthendisappearingintodarkness.

Hishandfindsmineandhewhispers,"I'mnotlettinggothistime."

Iam,butIhaven'tfiguredouthow.Ifitwereassimpleastakingmyhandback,Iwould.

WestopinfrontofawhitestonebuildingandCarrickexplains,"I'mstayingatanAirbnbwhileI'min

town.Itfeelslesstemporaryandmorehuman."

"Youbroughtmetoyourplace?"

"Ithoughtwecouldtalkprivatelywithoutinterruptions.Justfollowingmyinstincts."

"Yourinstincts?Ifyouwereadog,youwouldn'tbeaLabrador,oraCollie,aTerrier,aHoundora

Husky.I'mnotsurewhatkindyou'dbe,butI'llfigureitout."

"Abulldog?"heaskswithasmile,playingalong."That'stheMarine'smascot."

Ishakemyhead."Sowhatdoyoumeanwhileyou'reintown?"Iaskasthedoormanwelcomesusinto

thewarmvestibule.

"Meetings,asyouknow."

"Whenareyouleaving?"IsaywithmorebitternessthanIintend.

"Assoonasyoutellmeto,"hesayssweetlyasifit'suptome.

Igrindout,"Don'tmakethisdifficult."

"I'mnot,Navy."Heholdsupthepieasweboardtheelevator."It'saseasyaspie."

Irollmyeyesatthecornyjoke.

Theapartment,temporaryornot,isstunningwithhighceilings,amodern,neutralpalette,acityvista

oftwinklinglights,andtheriverfaroffinthedistance.

Fromthekitchenhecalls,"Wantsomethingtodrink?Ihavewater,tea,wine…"

"Waterisfine."Ineedsometruthserum,somethingtogetmetounderstandthisconfusingmixtureof

emotionsroilinginsideme.

Carrickbringsinthepieandgesturesformetositdown.

Hetakesabigbiteandaroundamouthfulsays,"Mmm.Tasteslikejustice."

"Ididn'trealizejusticecouldbesodelicious,"Iadd.

Hesetshisforkdownandstretcheshislonglegs.Hiseyesaredreamyinthedimlight."Whatyoudid

backthereforthatgirlwasprettybadass.Youdazzleme,Navy."

Mysmiledoesn'tmatchmywords."Thisisgoingtogethardagain,"Isay,deflectingthecompliment

andcheckingoffdazzleonthisweek'sUBossmodule.

"Itdoesn'thaveto.Let'sstartover."

"You'veknownmealmostmywholelife.You'veseenmewithmono.You'veseenmefallflatonmy

faceduringtheproductionofGreasemysophomoreyear.You'veseenmeheartbroken,grieving…Ithink
we'realittlepaststartingover."

"Thenlet'sstartrightnow."

"Whathaveyoubeendoingwhenyou'renotthrowingapieinalady'sface,gettingovertheflu,and

goingtoyogaclasseswithhotguys?"

"Hewashot,huh."

"Was?"

"Itwas,"Iswallow,"justadate,sorta."

"Mmm.Willyouseehimagain?"

"Yes."

Carrick'sfacefalls.Idon'tseetheneedtorescuehimfromdisappointment,butsincewe'reattempting

tobecivilized,Iadd,"We'reneighbors."

"Oh."Hisexpressionfallsevenfurther.

"TakeseveralroundsofmixeddrinksplusKat,andaddalongdiscussionaboutmynon-existentlove

lifetotheequation.Whatdoesthatequal?"Idon'twaitforhimtoanswer."Adare.Adoubledare,
actually."Ishakemyhead."Youaskedaquestion.Myturn."

Heleansbackinthechairandcradleshisheadinhishands."Askmeanything."

"Iwakeupmostmornings,fetchatriple,venti,soy,notsweet,nofoam,lattethenspendabetterpart

ofmydaymeetingMr.Douche'sinanedemands.Iendurewatercoolerbanterandaglassceiling—walls
andmirrors,everythingareflectionofthefactthatlonghours,solidcommitment,andeveryounceof
creativityisn'tgoingtogetmeanywhereinthatoffice.ButwhatI'mdyingtoknowiswhatbroughtyouto
Albright,Bouche,andCarlotta?Wheredidyougoafteryouleftthatbroughtyouhere?"

Hegrinsuptohiseyes."Iwashopingyou'dask.'Hepassesmeapaperbackbookoffthecoffeetable.

"Writing."

Chapter22

TellingStories

Iturnthenoveloverinmyhands.It'stitledOTPalovelettersnovelbyC.K.Flynn.Thecoverimage

showsacouplewithpinkieslinkedfrombehind,walkingdownasunlitlane.Iflipthroughthefirstfew
pagesandseetheauthoralsowrotetheotherbooksintheLoveLettersserieseachsetinRome,New
York,Paris,orPrague.Allofthemareromancenovelsburiedsomewhereinmyextensiveto-be-readlist,
butmorenotably,allofthebooksbyC.KFlynnareatthetopoftheNewYorkTimesbestsellerslist,
severaltimesover."Areyoualiteraryagentor—"Iaskconfused.

"No,I'mtheauthor."

Ilaughandretort,"Yeah,metoo.ThetitleofmylatestnovelisHowtoLoseatLife.It'shilarious.It's

aboutthisambitioustwenty-somethingwhomovestoManhattan,losesherjob,alsomaybehermind,and
endsupasanassistanttoaguywhosenamerhymeswithDouche,onlyshe'ssohardup,shedoesn'teven
maketheconnection.Shespendsmostofhertimereadingabouttheromanticlivesofothersandcan't
quitefigureouthowtofixherownbrokenheart."

Carrickdoesn'tlaughandasmiledoesn'tcrackacrosshisface.

"What?Itwonanawardforbeingdownrighthilarious."

Carrick'seyesglazeoverwithwarmth."Readitifyouhaveachanceandtellmewhatyouthink."

Ilookatthebookagainandrunmyfingeroverthenameprintedonthecover."C.K.Flynn."Istudy

himforalongmoment."CarrickFlynnKennely."

Henods."That'sme.Ihaveastrictnon-disclosureagreementbecauseI'musingapenname.Mr.

DouchewasunderstrictordersnottorevealmypurposeatthePRfirm."

"DidyouknowIworkedthere?"

"Happycoincidenceorfate,dependingonwhatyouwanttobelieve."

"Youwriteromancenovels?"

"Ido."Hislipsquirk.

"Forajob?"

"Uh,huh."

Ishakemyhead."Nuh,uh.Thejoke'sonme.Youhadthismade.Self-publishingishotrightnow."I

flipmythumbacrossthepages,makingthemflutter.Thesensationmatchestheoneinmystomach.

"Ididhavethismade,butit'snojoke,"hesays,tappingthecover."Thereareafewjokesinside,

becauseItrytobeawittyguy,butthey'reatsomeofthemoreannoyingcharacters'expense—anannoying
sportsbarmanager,anosyneighbor,thatkindofthing,butnotyours.Iwouldn'tplayajokeonyou."

"Carrick,Idon'tunderstand."

"It'ssimple.IhurtsomeoneIcaredeeplyabout.Iranaway,joinedthemilitarybecauseIwasafraid

andfiguredthebestwaytogetovermyfearswastoburythemdeepbeneaththemostmachothingIcould
thinkof.ThetruthwasIwashurtingtoo.Atthetime,itwaseasiernottodealwithallthat.ThenIsortof
gotmyshittogetherandmyparentswerepressuringmetoupholdthefamilylegacysoIwenttocollege—
majoredinbusinessandminoredinEnglish."Heclearshisthroat."Andwomen."Hegrimacesand
exhales."Aftergraduation,Ifeltunfulfilled.I'dalwayswantedtotravelthroughEuropesoIdeclineda
shoe-injobasafinancialadvisor,thankstoColby.Hesayshi,bytheway."

"How'syouroldestbrotherdoing?"

"He'sgettingmarriedthissummer."

"Ithinkmymothermentionedthatalittlewhileago."Ipurposelydidn'taddthesavethedatetomy

calendar,notbecauseIdon'tlikeColbyandI'msurehisfiancéislovely,butIdidn'twanttoseeCarrick,
whichisnowamootpoint.

"Wanttogo?I'magroomsman,buthaven'taddedmyplusoneyet."

Ithrowmyhandsupintheair.

"Toosoon?"

"Sonothappening.Thatisnotpartofourfuture."

"Our?"heasks.

"Carrick,"Isayinfrustration.

"Alright,alright.Sorry.Backtomystory.MyparentsdealtwithmejoiningtheMarines,butpassing

upajobwithatopfirminManhattan?Itdidn'tfly.ButIdid.Ijustleft."

"AKennelyleftthenestwithoutmomanddad'sblessing?"Iaskindisbelief.

"Ifiguredthey'dcomearoundeventually.Therearelowerexpectationswiththemiddlechild."

"Isthattrue?"

"No.Theywerepissed."Heshrugs."Anyway,withlittlemorethanabackpackfullofclothesandmy

laptop,Iwentoverseas.IspentalotoftimewalkingandthinkingandrealizingthatI'maluckybastard
havingbeeneducated,amhealthy,smart...,andsuddenlynotsolucky.Myfather,inafitofragelocked
downmycreditcards."

"Whoa.HowdidInothearaboutthisbitofgossip?"

"Theyblacksheepedme.They'dbeenlookingforanexcusesinceIenlisted."

"Butyou'reinColby'sweddingso…"

"Myordinarysheepstatushassincebeenreinstated.Thisstoryhasahappyending,"hepausesand

looksupatme,"atleastIhopeso.Lonelyandbroke,Ialsomissedhome,butitwasn'tthehouseon
SeasideTerrace.Itwasn'tmyparents.Itwasn'tthemoneyortheyachtforthatmatter."Hiseyeslingeron
mewithsuggestion."Totallybrokeandstranded,I'ddevisedanelaborateplantogetaboardtheyacht—it

wasdockedoffMonacoatthetime—andsailbacktotheUS."

Ichuckledespitemyself."Astowawayonyourownboat?"

"Somethinglikethat.IwasinRome,makingmywaynorth…There'ssomethingmagneticaboutthat

city:thefountains,thealcoveshiddenbehindflowersandvines,thefood—theglorioussmellsofbread,
garlic,pastries...Everythingthereissosensual.IthoughtofitasromanticRome."Heletsoutalaugh.
"Imaginethat,me,havingromanticthoughts."Hiseyestwinkle.

"Yeah,crazy."Thetwosimplewordsexplodefrommymouthwithsarcasm.

"Ifyouknewmeduringcollege—"

"Iknewyoubefore,"Isaydespitethelumpinmythroat.

Hissmilespanstimeandcontinents."Yeah,youdid."Hespeaksatawhisperasifsayingsomething

sacred.

"Ididn'tmeanthatasagoodthing."

Hiseyeslockonmine,bluefleckedwithgoldlikethesummersunglintinginthesky.

"IthoughtIknewyou,"Iwhisperback."Ientrustedthefragilepiecesofmyhearttoyou."Itpoundsin

mychest,scared,inwarning,beggingmenottolookorlistenordoanythingbutkeepmyeyesdownand
myattentionaverted.

"AndI'msorryIwasn'tmorecareful."Hereachesformyhand,sendinghotarrowsblazingthroughmy

arm,volleyingfortheplaceinthemiddleofmychest.

Acaralarmblaresoutside,breakingthespell.

Iwrestmyhandaway,butoncemore,I'munabletoignorethetinglingheatwherehisfingersleftan

impression.

"Despitewhatyoumaythink,Iamsorry.Youdon'thavetoacceptmyapology,butI'mofferingitin

everywayIknowhow."Carrick'svoicechillsafewdegrees."I'vebeenincombat,defendingfreedom
andfightingtosurvive.AndwhatI'mdoingnowisaversionofthat.It'sdifferent,amorepeacefulbattle,
butafightnonetheless.I'mtryingtowinyouback,Navy."

Hisconfessionaltersthelandscapeofthislatenightchatoverpiebecausethatwouldmeanhehadme

inthefirstplaceandIwillnevertrickmyselfinthinkingIwashisagain.

Thisiswar.

Hiswordslandonmyinnerterrainlikebombs,explodingthelandofhate,destroyinganger,blowing

upsadness.Iwanttoflee;Iseehoweasyitwasforhimtorunawayfromthedifficultyofallthese
emotionsyearsago.Thingsgetchallengingandretreatisthemostobviousoption.ButI'mstrongerthan
that,thanhewas,runningawayfromus.

Iliftmychin,preparedtofightback.Idonotflinch.Idon'tquakeorshudderunderattack."Youwere

sayingaboutRome,"Iprompthim,holdingmyground.

"Right.IwasmakingmywaythroughItalytowardtheyachtwhenIcameuponanopportunitytowork

atabookfestival.Itwasfascinatingandremindedmeofyou,whichremindedmeofhome.AndI
realized,Navy,youaremyhome.EverygoodmemoryIhave,youwerethere:theclambakes,the
bonfires,thesailingtrips…"

Irecallafternoonsbythepool,thecountryclub,thebeach,orjustsnuggledonthecouchwatching

movies.ItwasnoaccidentthatIalwayssatnexttohimathishouseorheslidintotheboothnexttome
whenwewereout.Igotaridefromhimtoschool—evenafterClaire'sboyfriendstartedbringingher
whenhegothislicense,andwestillwenttogetherwhenIwasdatingZach.Imadeitapointtogotohis
gamesandherarelymissedafieldhockeymatch.Weweretogetheronholidays,birthdays,nearlyevery
day.Whilewatchingamovie,onsnowyafternoons,sittingnexttohimunderablanketwasn'talways
becauseIwascold.Ourhandsalwaysfoundtheirwaytoclasptheother.

ButthisisthebattlefieldandIwillfight."IwastherewithClaire."

Hurtscourshisfeaturesbeforeitsolidifiesintotheresolveofawarrior."Thepointisyouwere

there."

Ianglemystrongestweaponathim."Whydidn'tyoutellmethisyearsago?Orinhighschool?"

"BecauseIdidn'tknow.Youwereinarelationship…Iwasafraid."

"Myrelationshipwasasham,asyouknow,"Isay,jabbinghim.

"IthoughtyoulovedZach.AllthewhileIwaslyingtomyself—"

"Lyingtome."

Hedoesn'tavoidthedaggersinmygaze.

"Yes,regrettablylyingtoyou.Iwastryingtocreatetheperfectlifemyparentswantedforme.Atthe

time,itseemedimpossibletohaveanythingmorethanafriendshipwithyou,Claire'sbestfriend.Thegirl
nextdoor.Mybestfriend'sgirlfriend.IfItoldyouaboutZachthenI'dhavetomanupandfacemytrue
feelingsandtheneveryoneelse.Atthetime,Icouldn'timaginedoingthat."

"Itwascomplicated.Iwon'tdenythat,butwecouldhavesimplifiedit,ifwereallywantedto.We

couldhave—"Idon'tknowwhat.

"Wewereyoung.Wedidn'tknow."

He'sright.Iwastellingmyselfastorytoo:tryingtobethepictureperfectdaughter,friend,and

student,keepingmyshittogetherevenasitallunraveledbeforemyeyes.Itturnsoutperfectionismhas
marginalreturns,andmostofthemresultedinmefeelingthevoidofinadequacy.

It'sasthoughmythoughtslaysiegetothespacebetweenus,carryingusawayfromthismomentand

intothepast,aplaceIdon'tthinkeitheroneofuswantstobe,butneitherdoweknowhowtomove
forward.AtleastIdon't.

Carricktrucksonwithhisstory."Iwasatabookfestival,workinglongdaystomakesomefastcash

togettoMonaco."

"Couldn'tyouhavecalledoneofyourbrothers?Anauntoruncle?"Hissafetynetiswide.

Heshakeshishead."Iwasashamed,Iguess.Also,lookingback,itwasanadventure.Itmightsound

sillyorprivileged—noteveryone'sparentshadashipboundforNorthAmericaoffthecoastofMonaco
—butIwantedtofigureitoutmyself;tojumpwithoutmymomanddad'sparachute."

"ThesalesofmybookHowtoLoseatLifehaveflat-linedandwhenKatrealizesI'mfreeloadingoff

her,atleastIhavemyparents'basement."

Myharshsarcasmhitsmytargetandhewinces.

"Noneofthatistrue,"hesays,rallyingwithasmile.

"You'reright,atleastIhaveme."Iswallow,surprisedbyhowvulnerableI'mbeing,showinghimboth

mywoundsandmystrengths.

PerhapsthisbattlehasgoneonlongerthanI'verealized,wagedsilentlywithin.Ifso,whenyou've

beenthroughwhatwehavetogether,therearefewrisksleft.Maybejustoneanditstillbeatsinsidemy
chest.

Hecontinues,undeterred."BacktoEurope—afriendworkedatacoffeestallatthebookfest,and

withhergenerous,neverendingdonationofcoffeetomycup,Iwashighlycaffeinatedandhighly
motivated.I'llneverforget,oneafternoon,Iwasintheparkinglotbythesecurityoffice.Ithadbeen
rainingfordays,reallyputtingadamperontheevent.Everyonewasgrouchyandmuddy.Thenallofthe
suddenthesunbeamedoutfrombehindthethickclouds.Thismaysoundcrazy,butitwasliketherays
shonedirectlyatmeandanideastruck."

Ican'thelpmyself.Itakeasuckerpunch."Didyousuddenlyrealizewhatanassholeyouwere?"

"Blam!"heintones,startlingme,remindingmehe'saMarineandastoryteller."Itwaslikeaflash

fromtheheavensabove.Ihadtheideaforabook.IfiguredifIcouldcreateanelaboraterusetogetfrom
RometotheStates,Icouldwriteanovel."Hegetstohisfeet.

Istandup.

We'retoetotoe.Eyetoeye.

Hebendsover,picksupthepieplates.

Ipickupmyfistsandfollowhim."Sothat'sit?Youwereatthebookfestival,wroteanovelinafew

days,gotanagent,soldthestorytoapublisher,and…"

Carrickreachesuptoahighshelf,revealingthatsexysliverofskinabovehiswaistband.Iwillnot

succumbtothecatnip.Physically,hecouldbetheleadinsomeofmyfavoritecontemporaryromances.I
willnotbebrokendownbylust.Igetadoublezing:onebelowmybelly,theotherlikestickingmyfinger
inalightsocket.Lookaway,Navyorfightback.

Whenheturns,withaglassinhand,Islowlypullmysweaterovermyhead,exposingmystomachand

thebottomofmybra.

IfhewantstofightdirtysocanI.Hiseyesdanceovermyskin.IscowlasIpullmyshirtdown."Is

theremoretothestory?"Iask.

"Ifyouwanttohearit,"hesayswithasmile.

Helooksattheglassinhishandasthoughhe'snotsurewhyit'sthere."Wantsomethingtodrink?"

Igrabthecorkedbottleofwinefromthecounter,makingsuretocomecloseenoughforhimtofeelthe

highvoltagecracklingonmyskin,butnotcloseenoughtoelectrocutehim.

Chapter23

RomanticMarine

Backinthelivingroom,Carrickstandsinfrontofthewindows,holdinghisglassofwine,aglowing

stoplightagainstthedarkbackdropofnight.

Islowdownthismomentandsettleonthefarendofthecouch.

"Iaskedyoutomeetmesowecouldtalk.Thatwasaskingalot."Hesitsdownnexttome,invading

myterritory."I'maskingyoutoreadthebookandifyougrantmeathirdwish…"

"I'mnotagenie,"Iquip.

Hegripsthesideofmyheadinhishand."You'remagical,Navy."

Iresisttheurgetoleanintohislargepalmandletitsupporttheweightofthethoughtscrashingaround

inmyskull.Instead,Icackle.Lesswishmaker,morewitch.

Hejerkshishandaway."What?"

"Isthatalinefromyourbook?"

"No.No,Iwasserious."

"I'mmagical?No,Carrick.I'mthewalkingwounded.I'mamess.I'mfuckinglosingatlife.Andwhy?

BecauseI'vebeensaddledwithabrokenheartforyears.I'veconsideredditchingthething,butthatwould
causebiggerproblemssonowI'mtryingtomendit."

Ilandamortar.Hiswallstrembleandhisvoiceshakes."Letmehelpyou."

"I'msorry,Carrick."

"Youdon'thavetobe.I'mtheonewhoissorry,"herasps."Youhaveeveryrighttobeangry,tobe

unforgiving."Hecloseshiseyesandinhales.

"That'snotwhyIwasapologizing.Ican'tdothis."

Hemeetsmyeyeswithasuddenintensityandsteadinessthatwasn'tthereamomentbefore."Thisisn't

goingtobeeasy.Notforyou.Notforme.It'slikepullingshrapnel.It'sresettingbones.It'spushing
yourselfuntilyourlungsandheartexplode.It'sgoingstepbystepuntilyouthinkyoumightdiefromthe
pain.Butyoudon't."Hegetstohisfeetandliftsuphisshirttorevealanangryredscarfromhis
collarboneacrosshisfirmpec.Besideitisthetattooofanavyblueanchor.

"IcarriedmyregretoverwhatIdidtousintothewar.Regretandguiltdidn'thelpmebeastronger

soldier.Whenthatbulletgrazedmyskin,itpeeledbacktheliesI'dtoldmyself.Whatwehadbroughtme
backtomyfeet,keptmefighting.Eversince,I'vebeentryingtofindmywaybacktoyoueventhoughI
knewyouwouldn'tbewaitingwithopenarms."

Carrick'sheartthundersundermyfingerasItracethelengthofthescar.Hetiltsmyheadtoforceme

tolookhimintheeyes.

"Youweremyanchor,Navy.Youalwayshavebeen.I'mtellingyouthetruth.Whatwouldhappento

yourbrokenheartifyoudidthesame?"

Thearrowsflyagain,butthistimetheypierceme.Hot,searingpainissuesfrommyheavingchest.

Carrick'sstronghandsgripeithersideofmyfaceastearsstingmycheeks.We'vebeenfightingeach

other,butit'sforthesamething.Maybewe'recomradesandnotcombatants.

"You'remagicalbecauseyouwerewithmewhenIwasinthelineoffire.Yourescuedme.You

broughtmethroughrecovery."

"Whydidn'tIknowaboutthis?Whydidn'tyourparentstell—?"

"Iaskedthemnotto."

Ipushhishandsaway."Why?Becauseyoudidn'twanttohurtmemore?That'sprettypresumptuousof

you."

"No.You'restrongerthanthat.BecauseIwantedtoreturntoyouwhole,healed,notthepersonyou

knew,butthemanI'vebecome."

Idropbackontothecouch,clutchingmyspinningheadinmyhands.

"Youbroughtmebacktolife.IfeltyouthereduringthosedaysIspentwritinginItaly.EverytimeI

wasstuck,itwasthepromiseofsomedayhavingthismomentwithyouthaturgedmeon,paintedimages
inmymind,createdwordsandscenes.You'remagicalbecauseeverytimeIclosemyeyesyou'rethere.In
everycity,everyhotel,witheverybook.ItwaslikeIfinallyfoundsomethingIcouldpourmyselfinto.It
wasawaybacktoyou—aconnectiontoyourloveforstories.Thepoemsyouusedtoread,thebooks,
andalltheromanticthingsyoudidforZachmademejealous."

Ilookathimfromundermyfingers;hepriesthemawayfrommyface."Iwantedyou.Iwantedthatto

beus.Iwantedtodosweetthingsforyou.Ididn'tknowhow."

Hetakesadeepbreathasthoughhesetsthelastofhisweaponsdown."It'salwaysbeenyou,Navy.

You'remagicalbecauseafterallthistime,Istillmissyou.ThattellsmeeverythingIneedtoknowabout
howIfeel."

However,hiswordsarelikebulletsbecausethetruthattacksalloftheliesI'vetoldmyself.Iwipemy

eyes,notreadytogiveup."Finishtellingmehowitisyoubecameafamousauthor."

"IwrotethefirstLoveLettersbook,likeIsaid,fueledbycaffeineanddetermination.Thebook

festivaljobledtooneinakitchen,whichwasgoodbecausethatmeantfreemeals.Ishouldhavelearned
howtocook,butinsteadIwaslearningaboutpublishing.IsentqueriestoafewagentsintheU.S.andgot
ahandfuloffriendlyrejections."

Iwonderhowmuchrejectionstung,butIcan'taskwithoutexposingmypositiononthebattlefield.

"Iwascouchsurfing,livingoffpasta,mycollegeminor,andinspiration.Itookafewmoreoddjobs,

stillmakingmywaynorth,butwithlessurgency.Iconsideredthelifeoftheartist,avagabond

backpacker,strugglingtomakeituntilIfoundanagent.Ithadacertainromanticluster,butIwantedmore
thanthatandwasdeterminedtomakeitonmyown."

"Thefirsttobreakthefamilymold."

"AsweknowI'mdecentatbreakingthings."Hefinisheshisglassofwineinalongsip."Iwasstaying

withthisguywhowasagraphicdesigner.Hehadawebsiteforebooksandmadedecentmoneycreating
covers—bothpremadeandcustom.Myskillsdonotlayingraphicdesign,butwegottotalkingoneday
andhewastellingmeaboutself-publishing.Ithoughtitwassomethingforhacksandpeoplethatcouldn't
quitepulloffthepolishofanovelist;Idiscoveredneitherwastrue.TheideastuckwithmeandIlooked
intoitduringmybreaksattherestaurant."

Iflipthroughthebookanddon'tseethenameofapublisheronthecopyrightpage.

Carrickscootsclosertome."Thiscopyisanoriginalfromthefirst,self-publishingrun.Ihadafriend

editit,mybuddymadethecover,andthenIhitpublish."

"Congratulations,"Isay.Mytoneconflictswiththepulseofmyemotions.

"Iwentfromcutoff,tohomeless,tocouchsurfing,toabestsellingauthor."

"Howdidthebookgettraction?"

Heshrugs."Iwrotethetruth."

"Ithinkthat'sillegal,alibellawsuitwaitingtohappen."PerhapsIcouldwinthiswarinthe

courtroom.

"Idon'tmeantheactualtruth,justmydesires,whatIknowtobetrue.Haveyoueverheardthesaying,

'Writewhatyouknow'?"

Inod.

"There'sacorollary:Writewhatyou'dliketoknow.IwantedtoknowlovesoIwenttosomeofthe

mostromanticcitiesinEurope:Ipeoplewatched,Ihungoutincafes,Italkedtolocals,lovers,andyes,
thebrokenhearted."Hepatshischest."ThoughIknowenoughaboutthatfirsthand."Ashadowcrosses
hisface.

Thewineandthewayhecontinuestolookatmewiththoseblueeyessoftenthejaggededgesofmy

sword,myresolve,andthefightinme."Areyougoingtokeepwriting?"

"I'mnotsure.Afterthefirstbookstartedselling,Igotanagentandatraditionalpublisherpickedup

theseries.Ihaveafewotherideasfloatingaround.I'dliketogobacktoEurope.There'salotofthe
worldtoseeandalotoflovestoriestotell.IcantakemyworkwhereverIwant."

"Iguessthisgivesnewmeaningtothecustomsquestion,'Areyoutravelingforbusinessorpleasure?'"

"I'dliketohaveareasontostayhere."Meaningfillsinhiseyeswhenhesmiles."Ineverinamillion

yearsthoughtI'dwritesteamyromancenovels,"hesayswithanamusedchuckle."Lifeastheromantic
Marinepaysthebillsandthensome."

"Steamyromancenovels?"

"Thereareafewscenes.MostlyIleaveittothereader'simagination,butit'snotfadetoblackeither."

"Doyourparentsknow?"

Heshakeshishead."NooneoutsidemydirectpublishingcontactsknowstherealidentityofC.K.

Flynnexceptyou.I'maromancewriter.You'rearomancereader,areyougoingtogiveitachance?"

Ifinishthewineandpickupthebook."I'mnotgoingtoburnit,"Isay,takingaim.

"That'sastart."

Iputonmycoat,readytofire."Thanksforthegrilledcheese."

"Thankyouforlisteningtome,"Carricksays,standinginfrontofme.Hishandsrestonmyarms,his

eyeslockonmine,andtheangleofhisleanisasuggestion.Iamnearlyoutofammunition.

Thedimcitylight,filteringthroughthewindowathisbacksoftenshismasculineedges,bathinghimin

asoftglow.Fromadeep,irrationalplace,Ihavetheurgetotrustmyweighttohiscapablearms,hoping
thepressureofanembracecansteadymeagainstthechipping,erodingfeelingIexperienceinmychest.
Defeat.

"Ishouldgo."Myvoiceislittlemorethanasqueak.

"Youshouldstay,"hesays,pullingmeintoahug,makingtheeffortthatIcannot."Ifeelyourheart

beating."

Ilookup,wishingwecouldstartoverorthatweweredifferentpeople,meetingforthefirsttime.He

lickshislip.Ibitemine.It'shappenedlikethisbeforeandIwon'triskhavingitendthewayitdid,not
again.

"Goodnight,Carrick,"Ifire,becauseinwar,we'llevensacrificeourselvestogetwhatwethinkwe

want.Sometimeswords,theflatpanelofaturnedback,andagoodbyearethefiercestweaponswehave.

*

Thefrigidnighthastensmehome.SweptupinCarrick'sstoryandmyownconflictingemotions,Irush

downthehalltomyapartment,thankful,foronce,thatKatya'snothome.I'mnotsurehowI'dexplainwhat
justhappened.

Hetalked.Ilistened.Isthathowforgivenesshappens?IsthathowIstarttoletgo?Idon'tknow,butI

dologontomycomputer,intendingtovisitmyUBossgirlsforsomewholesomedistraction,butinsteadI
searchC.K.Flynn—cleverusageofhisinitialsandhismiddlename.

Ifindhisauthorwebsiteandspendthenexthoursstalkinghim,eventhoughthereisnodefinitivehim.

He'scageyabouthisidentity,oftenchangingthesubjectwhenthetopiccomesupininterviews.Thephoto
inhisbiographyisoftwopeoplewithlinkedpinkies.Ilookmorecloselyandrecognizemyrighthand
becauseoftheinfinityknotringIusedtowear.Wewereonthebeach,jokingaroundoneafternoonbefore
everythinghappened.Weweredoingtrustfallsandthenseeingwhosepinkywasstronger,leaningback
untiloneofusslippedintothesand.Thephotoisofourfingers,linkedfrombehind—thesameoneson
thecoverofthebook.Clairemusthavesnappedit.

Ireadhisbio,whichdoesn'trevealmuchotherthanwherehewenttocollege,hisinterestsinfluffy

pillows,cleansheets,andpie.Isnort.Comingfromawell-knownfamily,Icanseewhyhemightnotwant
tobroadcasthisidentity.Ireadafewmoreinterviews,mostlyonthewritingprocess.Consideringhis
oversizedego,hisgratitudeandhumilityathissuccesssurprisesme.I'mintriguedandkeepreadinguntilI
hearthefrontdooropenandclosefollowedbythepaddingofsoftfootstepsthroughthekitchenanddown
thehall.

IlogontoUBossandonlyafewofthegirlsareonlinediscussingwhattheywantedtobewhenthey

werekids.Itwaspartofanexercisefromtheuncoveringmodule.Iskim,readingthatDaisyDuke31
wantedtobeanactress.Anotherwomanwantedtobeateacher.MelodyMileswrotethatshewantedto
beafamouspianistandisstillworkingonit.EventhoughsheandImet,noonedivulgestheirtrue
identities,muchlikeC.K.Flynn.GraceDcommentsthatshewantedtobelikeheraunt—anarcheologist.
DaisyDuke31writesAreyouhereNavybean?Ifso,whatdidyouwanttobewhenyouwerealittle
girl?

Myfingershovermutelyoverthecomputerkeys.

Chapter24

GymStud

Wakingupthenextmorningisn'tthestruggleitusuallyistofaceanewdayfullofuncertaintyand

inertia.Perhapsit'sthenearingoftheendofalong-wagedbattleormaybeit'sthewarmkissofthesun,
streamingthroughthewindow.

Butlater,doingMr.Douche'sbiddingturnsthedayintoaslogandthedayafterthat.Bynight,my

mindorbitsaroundtheconversationCarrickandIhad,pickingoutpieces,analyzingsatellites,andtaking
newtrajectories.

Bythethirdday,I'mrunningonempty,butwheneverIlaydown,astiredasIam,mymindcirclesthe

wordsandtheirmeaningsandexplorestheirfrontiers.I'mhungupontheplayofthelightonhisfeatures,
thevariousshadesofhissmile,hisseriousanddeliberateexpressionsaswewagedourbattle,andthe
dampglitteringinhiseyeswhenthingsgotheavy.

Irevisit,recap,andreplaythenight,thegrilledcheese,thepie,andhisstoryandapologynow

inscribedonthemapofmymind,leadingmewhere?Myheartbeatsoutananswer.That'snotasafeplace
toland.Mymindandmyheartclashandthefightbeginsagain.

Iavoidhisbook,notreadytoseeromanticRome.MylibraryborrowsareadistractionuntilIstart

playingthepossibilitiesofusagainstthecharacters'relationships,wonderingwhatI'ddodifferentlyand
whatIshouldhavedonedifferently.Theenemyhasinfiltratedmyterritory.

IstudiedKat'steachingschedule;I'vemanagedtoavoidherbykeepingbusybecauseI'mnotreadyto

facewhataresuretobequestions—ones,Ican'tyetanswerformyself.I'mcravingagrilledcheese
sandwichwhensheburststhroughthedoor,spotsmedippingaspoonintoajarofpeanutbutterbeforeI
canscuttleoff,andsays,"Ha!Thereyouare."

"Hi."Eventhemonosyllabicgreetingisaneffort.Mybodywantstoslipintosleep,butmymindguns

forstrategiesandtacticsasitanalyzestheothernight.Myheart,everthepeacemakerholdsupsignsin
protest:Warisnottheanswer.Givepeaceachance.Allyouneedislove.Ilowermyspoonandputitin
thesink.

"Where'veyoubeen?"Katasks,settingherkeysonthecounter.

"Stagingapeacefulprotest."

Shefrowns."You'vebeenavoidingme."

"Sleephasbeenavoidingme."

"I'mjustwonderinghowthefoodattheGrilledCheeseFactoryis.I'vebeenhavingacravingfora

buttery—"shesaysvaguely,takingoffhercoat.

"Funnyyoushouldsaythat,Iwasjustgoingtomakeasandwich."

"Peanutbutter?"

"Appetizer.I'llmakeyouagrilledcheese."

Shestalksovertome."IhearthesandwichesattheGrilledCheeseFactoryaregourmet:sundried

tomatoes,avocados,olives,threekindsofcheese…"shebarricadesmebetweenthefridgeandthe
counter.

"IhadplainwhitebreadandAmericancheese.Nothingspecial.Itwasfine."

"Definefine."

"Wetalked."

Sheclapsherhandstogether,startlingme."About?"sheasks,unwillingtogiveup.

Iswallow."Aboutthepast.Aboutwherehe'sbeen.Aboutstuff."Thecontentsoftheconversation

shufflebyasstarkanddisparateasthecontentsofourrefrigerator.

Katyaexhaustsherpatiencewithmeonasigh."Areyougladyoutalkedaboutthepast,wherehe's

been,andstuff?"

"Yeah.No.I'mnotsure.I'mconfusedandvery,verytired."

"Ihearyouawakeatallhours,tappingawayonyourcomputer."

"I'lltrytobequieter."

"You'reasquietasamouse.Maybeyouneedtogetloud,"shesays,raisinghervoice."Acoupleof

weeksagoyouwereparadingaroundhereinredlipstick.AreyoustilldoingMimi'sprogram?What
happened,Navy?"

"Carrickhappened."

"Itcan'talwaysbehim."

Itis.

"Areyoudepressed?"sheasksgenuinelyconcerned.

Iconsiderthis,turningoverthesymptoms."No,justtired."

"It'stimetomoveon."

"Iknow."ButIcan'tuntilIwinthisfight.

"Ifyou'renotgoingtohelpyourself,I'mtakingmattersintomyownhands.Orrather,tookmatters—"

Sheclapsmeontheshoulder."You'llbehappytoknow,oncemore,I'veintervened."Hervoiceisas
brightasthelightinthefridgeasItakeoutastickofbutter.

"What?"Iask,pulledfrommyrecycledthoughtsaboutromanticRome,thecasualtiesofwar,and

sandwiches.

"Spencerwasasuccess,buthe'soutoftown.TheMan-bun-baristawasafail—I'msorryaboutthat.

Mybad.Ishouldhavedoneabackgroundcheckorsomething.Althoughwedidgetafewgoodmealsout

ofthedeal.Andthebrownies.Remindmetopickupsomemoresugar.Butthat'sonlytwodates.Thedare
continues..."

"Ihaveinsomniaandunlessyou'rehookingmeupwithasleepspecialist,I'mafraidthesebagsunder

myeyesmeanthatIremaincloisteredintheapartment."

"Nonsense,alittleconcealerwilldothetrick.Youneedtosleepwithsomeone."

Iscrubmyhandsdownmyface."YoudorealizeIhaven'tsleptindayssowhatyou'resayinghardly

makessense.Anyway,that'snotthesolution."

Sheputsanimpatienthandonherhip."Sexisalwaysthesolution."

"IthoughtyousaidSpencerwasoutoftown."Mylaughteratmyownweakjokesoundslikeapoor

imitationofadyinggoose.

Shesmilescoyly."Omarwasatthegymlastnight.Itoldhimyou'dbeensickandneededtogetstrong

againwiththehelpofapersonaltrainer,whichheis."

"I'lladmitOmarishot,buthedoesn'twanttoseemysad,tired,sweatyassatthegym."

"Hedoesandhewill.Tomorrowatfour."

"I'llbenapping."

"No,youneedtogetyourbloodpumpingandyourjuicesflowing."

Ithrowmyhandsupintheair,sendingfourslicesofbreadsailing,andgrimace."Don'ttalkaboutmy

juices!"

"Imissyourblogposts."

Islapslicesofcheeseonthesalvagedbread.

"Idareyou,"shesaysasthebutterinthepansizzles.

*

GoingtothegymonaSundayafternoonisaboutasappealingashavinglemonjuicesquirtedinmy

eyes,whichisexactlyhowmuchtheystingafternotsleepingmuchforthelastfewdays.Katmakessure
I'mdressedinimpossiblytightLycraandescortsmeoutthedoor,downthehall,andontotheelevatorso
there'snochanceI'lltakeadetourbacktomybedroom.

Sheordersuscoffeeandmercifully,theMan-bun-baristaisn'tbehindthecounter.Maybehefledthe

country.

AcellophaneValentine'sDaydecorationhangsfromthewindowremindingmeofthesortofkiss.I

distractmyselfwithadisplayofmugsthatsaythingslikeIloveyoualatte,wordscannotespressohow
muchyoumeantome,andyou'rethecreaminmycoffee.

"Aw,youandyourValentine'sDaydateshouldstarthere."Katpointsatasignforredvelvetmochas.

"Allthatcaffeineissuretogetyourjuicesflowing."

Igiveherawitheringlookasthepersonbehindthecountercallsournames.

Katallbutshovesmethroughthedoortothegym,nearlysendingtheremainsofmypeppermintstick

doubleespressoalloverthepristinewhitefrontdesk.

"ItoldyouIwassupposedtobenapping."

"Notwithallthatcaffeineandsugaryouwon'tbe."Hernervoussmilesuggestsshesecond-guesses

herinterventionandhercoffeeselection.

"Youorderedit,notme."

Mybodybuzzeswithenergy."Isn'titdangeroustooperategymequipmentwhenovertired?You

wouldn'twantmetodropafiftypoundweightonmytoe."

"Youwouldn'tsueme,"shesaysbreezily.

Isputter,mywordsslurringonariverofcaffeination."Where'stheloveformybrokentoe?"Iask,

hurtthatsheisn'tmoreconcernedaboutmyhypotheticalinjury.

"Allyou'llbebreakingisasweat.Omarisanamazingtrainerandhe'sgoingtotakegoodcareofyou

—andyourjuices."

"Stoptalkingaboutmyjuices,"Ihissjustashecomesover,manbuffandmasculine.Hisshirtstrains

againstmusclesmadeofrock:mymindflashestothescarandtattooonCarrick'schest.Iwipemy
foreheadanddabmychest.

Omarshakesmyhand,hisbicepflexing.Fromoverhisshoulder,Katwinksandthenvanishesintothe

descendingnight.

"Katsaidyouweresick,"hesays,concerned.

"Ihadtheflu,butI'mfeelingmuch,muchbetter.Don'tworryI'mnotcontagious.I'mwellpastthat.In

theclear,"Isay,bouncingonmytoes.MyattentiondartsfrommachinetomattoOmar."Nottoworry,not
atall."Thecoffeeinmysystemevaporatestheexhaustionofthelastfewdays.Ifeelperky.Energized.
Stimulated!

"Ihearditwasgoingaround."

"Atleastninepeopleatmyofficewereoutsicklastweek.Morerecently,I'vebeenhavingtrouble

sleeping.It'sbeenafewnightsanddays.I'vetriednapping,meditating,countingsheep,counting
backwards,coolsheets,warmblankets,reading…"Ibubble,fizz,andeffervesce.

"Studiesshowtherearemanygreatthingsaboutphysicalfitnessandoneofthemisastrongerimmune

systemandbetterrestsoIfeelconfidentoursessionwillhelp."Omar'smusclespopashewalksoverto
aweightstation.He'sacyborg,impossiblyperfect.

"Ialsohearithelpsgetthejuicesflowing."There'sadelay,likethebroadcastofaliveeventwhenI

clapmyhandovermymouth,realizing,toolate,thesugaryandcaffeinateddrinkampedmeupalittletoo
high.

Omarclearshisthroat."IhaveastandardprogramIliketostartnewclientson,butIwanttoaskyou

afewquestionsbeforewegetstarted."HeswipesthescreenofhisiPadandopenstohisclientdatabase.

"Goforit.Shoot.I'mready.Fireaway.Whatchagot?"Irubmyhandstogether,andmarchinplace,

perhapsdischargingsomeofmypotentialenergy.

"Pleasedescribeyourcurrentphysicalactivity."

"Zilch.Zero.Nada.Nothing.None."

"Yoga?"

"OnlywhenKatmakesme.IfshehadherwayI'dbeinclasseveryday,butshedoesn'tgetherway,

exceptnow."

Hiseyeswidenasthoughtryingtomakesenseofthewordsdribblingfrommymouth.

Pullittogether,Carrington.Itakeashallowbreath."Imeanrarely.Iplayedfieldhockeyinhigh

school,butthatwasalong,longtimeago.Recreationally,Idon'tdomuchofanything,unlessyoucount
eatingbrownies."

"I'dsayno,buttheyaremyfavoritedessert.Mygrandmamakesameandoublefudgebrownie."

Iwavemyhands."No,no,no.Ihavethebestrecipeforyou.IgotitfromadrugdealerIknow.Wait.

Thatdidn'tcomeoutright.They'renotthosekindofbrownies.Heassuredme.Andit'snotasifIknow
him.Wejusthaddinnerafewtimes.He'sanamazingcookanditturnsoutalsosellsillegalsubstances."

Omar'seyeswiden.

"BlameKat.Shearrangedit."Iclapmyhandtomyforehead."Shedidn'tknow.She'snotlikethat.I

meanyouknowher.She'stotallyintoyogaandwellness,greenjuicesandmeditation.Butthebrownies.
I'llbringsomeby.Actually,wait.Dotrainerseatthingslikebrownies?They'refulloffatandsugar.Isaw
arecipeonPinterestoncethathadblackbeansandspinachasingredients.Hmm.Icouldtrythat,butI
don'tthinkyoucouldreplacethecandy…"

"Browniesarefineonceinawhile,"hebreaksin."Tellme,whatdoyouenjoydoingthatgetsyour

bodymovingandbloodpumping?"

Andjuicesflowing?SexwithSpencerprobablyisn'ttheanswerhe'slookingfor,butthatwasthemost

cardioI'vehadinages."Sleepingdoesn'tcountdoesit.I'mnotansweringthesequestionsrightamI?"

"Therearenorightorwronganswers.Justbehonest.Iwanttocomeupwiththebestplanforyou.

Lastone,whatareyoucurrentfitnessgoals?"

Ireachintothebullshitbagforthisonebecauseifhewantsmetobehonest,Idon'thavegoals:notfor

fitnessandnotforlife.Thatmakesmefeellikealoserandmorethanalittleofftrack."Improvedimmune
systemandrest."

"Excellent.ThatIcanhelpyouwith."Hegoesontooutlinehisphilosophyandapproachtostretching,

strengthening,cardio,andgeneralconditioning.

MyattentionflitsfromhisbicepstohisabstohislipstotheValentine'sDaystreamerscurlingand

wavingnexttotheheatingvent,areminderofwhyI'mhereandallthat'slackinginmylife.

"Youready?"heasks.

"Huh?Ohyeah.Let'sdothis."

Thecaffeinecocktailpushesmethroughawarmuproutinethatprogressestopressups,plankholds,

squats,andotherresistancebasedmoves.

Omarencouragesme,cheersmeon,andurgesmetokeepgoingwhenmymusclesshake.Wemove

ontoaweightscircuit,andthenspendtwentyminutesdoingcardio.Omarishandson,providing
resistance,tostabilize,andshowmehowhightokickorhowlowtolunge.Witheverytouch,Ithinkof
anothersetofhands,thepowerofCarrickgrippingmycheeks,thepossessionofhisfingerslacingmine,
andthrillofhislipsbrushingmymouth.

Sweatpoursfrommybrow,mytanktopisdamp,andevenmyassissweating.Itugmyshirtdownto

hidethestain.

"You'redoinggreat,"Omarsays,restinghishandonmyarm.Hisdarkfingersblurintoapairthatare

kissedbytheItaliansunorwhereverCarrickwasbeforereturningtotheUnitedStates.You'rewithOmar,
Itellmyself.Strong,sexy,Omar."Let'sstretchyououtforawarmdownandwecanscheduleanother
session."

Iswallow,myvisioncomingbackintofocus."I'mfuckingtired,"Isay,stillhighfromthecaffeineand

theendorphins.Alsomaybeslightlydelusionalfromthelackofsleep.

WegotothefrontdeskandweagreetomeetonTuesdayatthesametime.

Henudgesmyarmwithhiselbow."Letmegetyouajuice,"hesays."Proteinforrepairingand

buildinginthefirsthalfhourafterasessioniscrucial."

Istudyhispillow-likelipswithsoftcurvesandasmoothkissabletextureashespeaks.PerhapsKat

wasn'twrongabouthimgettingmyjuicesflowing.MyeyesfluttershutasIleanforward.

"GreenmachinewithmatchaforNavy,"avoicecallsfromsomewherefaraway.

StrongarmscatchmeandIjerktoconsciousness.Omarlooksatmewithconcernandlinesformon

theforeheadofthewomanbehindthejuicebarcounter."Areyouokay?"sheasks.

"Ithinkthecaffeineworeoff."

"See,you'realreadyreachingyourgoalstogetbetterrest,bestgethome,"Omarsays.

IspringforacabsoIdon'tfallontothesubwayrails.Oncehome,Katperchesonastoolatthe

counter,waitingforafullreport.

Islurpthelastofmygreenjuice."KeepmepumpedfullofdoublemochasandIshouldberippedin

notime.Oh,andhegotmyjuicesflowing."Ishaketheemptycup.

Katliftsaneyebrow.

"Powergreens,celery,greenapple…"Ilisttheingredients.

"TheGreenMachine."

"Yeah,Ithinkthat'swhatitwascalled.Hewastalkingaboutmusclerepair.Verysexy."

"Iwasn'ttalkingaboutthatkindofjuice,"shehints."So…"

"He'sverysweet,agreattrainer…"

"Greatlips,ass,abs…"shesays,listingoffhismorenoticeableattributes.

"Thetotalpackage."

Katsmiles."JustleaveittometofindyoutheperfectValentine'sdate."

"Andleaveittometomakeafoolofmyself,"Ireply,givingheraquickrecapofthetrainingsession

andmycaffeinatedbabbling.

*

Thepromisedrestfinallycomesthatnight.Isleeplikeababy—well,ifbabiessleptsoundlywithout

wakingupcryingandinneedofadiaperchangeeverycoupleofhours.LastChristmas,mycousin,anew
mom,gripedtomeabouttheexpressionafterhavingtwins,sayingwhoevermadethatupmustnothave
beenonovernightduty.

I'msorefromtheworkoutthenextday,butrelievedthatmybrainrebooted,nolongerstuckonthe

nightspentwithCarrick.Theburninginmychestisalittleduller.

Iblogarecapofmyforayintotheworldofpersonaltrainingwithanupcloseandpersonal

descriptionofOmar'sbestassets.

#3TheGymStud(namechangedforprivacy)

Appearance:ripped,buff,beefcake.Read:biceps,abs,quads,pecs,lats,delts,calves,and

glutes.Theglutesarekiller.

Behavior:indepthknowledgeof,alongwithfamiliarityandcomfortwiththehumanbody.

Investedinhealthandwellbeing.Concernandcareaboutmyactivitiesandgoals.

Connection:apparenttoleranceofanovertired,over-caffeinated,outofshapeofficeemployee.

Giventhecircumstances,hehadagentleandfirmtouchthatcoverednearlyeveryinchofthe
publicpartsofmybody.

Myreadersreplyinstantly,inquiringaboutwhichgymIvisit.Ianswerafewotherquestionsaboutthe

statusofthedare,includingifI'llbeseeingtheGymStudoutsideofregulartrainingsessions.

FromthelivingroomKatcalls,"IgotyouguysticketsforthebasketballgameTuesdaynight."

Imarchintothelivingroom.

Shetossesmeherbestgetoutofjailfreesmile.

"Youdidwhat?"

"OmarisabigfanoftheKnicks.You'reabasketballfan."Sheshrugs."Ithoughtyou'denjoyagameof

ball."

"Kat,"Isay,slouchingontothecouch.

"Navy."Asthoughspellingoutsomethingforafouryearoldshesays,"Itwillbefun."

Shedoeshaveapoint.FunwaswhatIfoundmyselflackinginlifeandwhatattractedmetotheUBoss

program."Fine."

"That'snothowyouspellfun,"sheteases."Hmm,letmecheckthedictionary.Oh,hereitis,"shesays,

pretendingtoflipthroughthepagesofaninvisiblebook."S-E-X.That'showyouspellfun.Therearealso
afewvariations.IseeOmar'snameislisted."

Chapter25

KissCam

Iimbibesignificantamountsoffrothy,caramelizedcaffeine,notbecauseI'mtiredtoday,butbecause

I'mnotadversetoperformanceenhancingsubstanceswhenitcomestogettingthroughworkoutnumber
twowithOmar.

Whilehefinishesupwithanotherclient,Icheckmyemail,approvingblogcommentswhenIfindone

[e-mail],thefamilyhastheirown@.Thesubjectsayschapterone.The
bodyoftheemailsimplysaysDidyougetpastthefirstpage?

Ihaven'tevencrackedthespineandhavenoplansto.Itwasdifficultenoughgettingtheconversation

fromonenightoutofmyhead.Three-hundredpagesworthofCarrickmightkillme.Astheysay,thepen
ismightierthanthesword.There'salsopartofmethatmightbeaweebitjealousofthefictional
romancesCarrickcreates.Hesaidithimself:writewhatyouknow.

Twothingsaboutthisbotherme.

1)Idon'twanttoknowabouthissteamysceneswithotherwomen,evenifthey'retoldthrougha

fictionallens.

2)IfIweretowritewhatIknow,itwouldbethis:Idon'tknow.

Idon'tknowwhatIwanttodowithmylifenoworwhenIgrowup,orwhatmybig,world-changing

purposeis.

"Hey,"abaritonevoicecalls,pullingmefrommymind-suck."Youreadytogetsweaty?"Omarasks.

"Pumped,"Isay,slurpingdowntherestofmybeverage.

Omarputsmethroughahighintensityintervaltrainingcircuit,notonce,nottwice,butthreetimes.I

collapseontheblackfoammatandsay,"Itapout."

"Onyourfeet.Onemoretime,soldier."

"Ifyouwantmetobeonmyfeetatthegametonight,Ineedtorest,"Isay,catchingmybreath.I

belatedlyrealizeIgavehimaperfectseguetocommentabouthowhedoesn'tmindifI'moffmyfeetlater,
orsomethingmoresexyandeloquent,buthedoesn'ttaketheflirtbait.Maybethere'sagympolicyabout
nothittingonclientsevenifyou'regoingonadatelater.

Likeanarthriticdog,Igetonallfoursandthenclambertomyfeet."Okay,onemoretime,"Isay.

"Thenwestretch,"hesayscheerfully.

ToOmar,stretchingisn'tanidle,staticholdwithonearmdrapedoveralimpshoulder.ToOmar,

stretchingmeansdynamic,energized,yoga-likepostures.Bytheendoffifty-fiveminutes,I'mspentand
nothingaboutalargearenafilledwithscreamingbasketballfansandthesqueakofsneakersonparquet

appealstome.

However,that'sexactlywhatI'mgoingtoget.Andagargantuantrayofnachos.Thesingularhopeof

saltychipssmotheredincheese,beans,peppers,salsa,andsourcreamistheonlythingthatkeepsme
going.

Afterashoweratthegymandaquickchangeintoskinnyjeansandasweater,Imakethemostofacan

ofdryshampooIborrowedfromKatya,butgiveup,pullingaknithatthatmayormaynothavefoundits
wayintomycollectionviaTori,overmyunrulyhair.

OmarandIsetoutintothebrisknight.Truetohispersonaltrainingform,heinsistswewalkto

MadisonSquareGarden.

"Thinkofitasacooldown."

"Morelikeafreezedown,"Imutter.AfterthepipinghotshowerItook,looseningmyachingmuscles,

theshockofcoldchillsmetomycore.Ichatter,mostlysomytonguedoesn'tfreezetotheroofofmy
mouth,notbecauseIdranktoomuchcaffeine.

Izoneoutduringthefirstquarterofthegame,munchingonnachoswhileOmarenthusiasticallygetsto

hisfeet,cheeringeverytimetheKnicksscore.Otherthanthat,hecommentates,explainingtheplays,the
rules,andsharinghistakeonthefouls.

I'mtoopolite,exhausted,andmoreoftenthannotwithamouthfulofcornchipcheesinesstoexplain

thatIknowbasketballintimately.Notthatkindofintimately,thoughIwouldn'tsaynotoplayernumber
seventy-one.I'mmorethanfamiliarwithoffense,defense,boxingout,postingup,andpickingandrolling.
IcutmyteethontheBostonCeltics'sidelines.Mygrandfatherwastheirmanagerforthebetterpartofmy
lifeandashisfavorite,andonlygrandchild,heparadedmearoundliketheteammascot.Hewas
disappointedIdidn'tplaybasketballinhighschool,butIdidn'tinheritmuchinthewayofheightor
absorbanytalentviaproximitywhenIwasgrowingup.

DuringhalftimeOmarasks,"Wantsomethingtodrink?"

"I'mstillabsorbingthecoffeeIhadearlier,butI'llgowithyou,"Isay,comingoffmycaffeinehigh,

butnotlookingforwardtothelineforthebathroom.

HegoesinonedirectiontogetdrinksandIgotowardthewashroomwherethelinedoesindeed

snakearoundtheentrance.

WhileIwait,Ispothimbytheconcessionsstandcooingatababywithitshandsandfeetwavingfrom

thecarrierstrappedtohismom'schest.FromthelineI'min,notmovingatgamepace,IwatchOmar
balancingourbeveragesinonehandashehelpsawomaninawheelchairgetketchupforherhotdog.

Hismusclesrippleinhistight-fittingV-necksweater,hugginghiminalltherightplacesasheglances

aroundforme.Itrytoflaghimdown,butagroupofteenagerswithorangeandbluepaintedfacesparade
past.

Imisspartofthethirdquarter,regrettingthegiantcoffeeearlier.Finallybackinmyseat,notrisking

moreliquid,Isavemybottleofwaterforlater.

WhentheKnicksscoreagain,leadingthegamebytwelvepoints,thefansgobananasandthe

JumboTronsshowerdigitalconfettiasrealconfettidriftsoverthecrowd.

Theenergyratchetsupafewnotchesduringafouldeemedinourfavor.Thentheroomgoesbonkers

whenajumpshotappearsasifit'sgoingtobeanin-and-out,butsomehowsinksthroughthenet.

Igettomyfeet,joiningintheexcitementandcheer.

Forthenextminutesofplay,theoppositionscoresseveralpoints,withthehelpofaquestionablecall

fromthereferee.Everyoneisontheirfeet,stampingandshoutingindisagreement,butthegameresumes
andthespreadnarrowswiththeotherteamcatchingup.

Thelastquarterissointenseit'snowondermygrandfatherhadaheartattackbeforeheretired.I

white-knuckleOmar'ssweatersleeveasthefinalshotleavestheforward'shands,sailsthroughtheair,the
timertickingdownwithmeresecondstogo.Thebuzzerisgoingtosoundatanymoment.Weholdour
collectivebreath.Five,four,three,two—it'sasthoughtheballhangs,suspendedintheair,andthen
whoosh!Itslidesthroughthenetbeforethebuzzersignals.

There'smadness,mayhem,equalpartsapplauseandbooingfromthelosingteam.Withoutthinking,I

turntohugOmar,asonedoesduringexcitingmomentslikethis,anddespitehispronouncedpecs,his
washboardabs,andhisbasketballplayerbiceps,Igetafloppy,weakhug,sortoflikewrappingmyarms
aroundagiant,wetnoodle.

There'snotimetothinkabouthowstrangelyawkwardthatwasbecauseourfacesareonthe

JumboTron,outlinedinanorangeandblueheartwiththethrobbingwordskiss,kiss,kiss.

I'vebeentoseveralprogamessinceIwasyounger—onememorabletimewhenmygrandfather

scoredcourtsideseatsfortheplayoffswhenIwasinhighschool.IbroughtZach,Claire,herboyfriend,
Carrickandhisgirlfriendoftheweek.Ofcourse,Ihadtowatchthemmakeoutonthelargerthanlife
screenwhileeveryonechantedkiss,kiss,kiss,andcheered.AlthoughIwishithadbeenusthenanda
secretpartofmewishesitwereusnow,thefighter,thevictorinmehopeshe'swatching.It'snotevery
dayyourimageandthatofaninsanelyhandsomeandathleticstudareframedinascreenbroadcastingto
millions.

Igoupontiptoes,closemyeyes,andlandmylipsonhis.Iinhalehismalescenttoppedwithafresh

splashofaftershave.

I'mreadyfortheactionofhismouthpressingagainstmine.Iwaitformovement.Isignalwithaquirk,

atwitch,aquiverofmylipsforhimtokissmeback,buthisplump,kissablelipsdonothingtoreturnthe
gestureminesowillinglymake.

Ilowerdownontoflatfeet,myfingersreflexivelymovingtomymouth.

Tosaytheaudience'slacklusterresponsematchesmyownisanunderstatement.Idon'thavetonsof

experience,butSpencerseemedtothinkIwasagoodkisser.Irecallhimreferringtomewithawordthat
rhymeswithNixon,thelastnameofplayernumberseventy-one.Idiscretelycupmyhandovermymouth,
checkingtoseeifIhavebadbreath.Iwrigglemynose—itdoesn'tseemlikethereareanybatssneaking
outofthecave.

AsweexittheGarden,I'mthankfultheKnickswonagainsttheopposition—there'snothingworsethan

aguysulkingafterhisfavoriteteamloses.Butwhat'sinfinitelyworseisagirlsulkingbecausetheguy

didn'tkissherback.Myconcerngrowsoncewe'rebackoutside,ourbreathpuffinglittlecloudsasIhop
fromfoottofoottokeepwarm.

Maybehe'snotintoPDA.Buthishandswereallovermeduringourtrainingsession.Mymindthen

runsinadozendirections,butIstopitatthepossibilitythathe'smarriedwhenIcheckhisbarehands,
whichrevealring-lessandcoldfingers.

"Thatwas,"Isearchforaword,"fun."AccordingtoKatya,funisspelleds-e-xandwedidn'tmakeit

pastthekissingphase,becausetheJumboTronexchangedoesn'tcount.

"Greatgame,"Omarsaysbrightly.

"So,um—"

"TrainingsessiononThursday?"heasks.

"Yeah,sure,"Isay,opentogivinghimonemorechancebecauseIamnothingifnotdeterminedtosink

thewinningshotwiththisguyandgethimtokissmeproperly.

Iopenmyarmstohughim,butthere'sanawkwarddanceashisarmlifts,thenminelowers,thenhis

rightarmgoesupandsodoesmyleft.Finally,Ijustclobberhimlikeanangryplayeronthecourt,and
say,"Goodnight,Omar."

Acabpullsupandheopensthedoorforme,liketheperfectgentleman,andthengetsin.Itellthe

driverwhereIliveandexpecthimtoaddhisaddress,butthenwonderifhethinkshe'scomingbacktomy
place.Thisisallhorriblyawkward.

"Oh,um,didyouwantto—"

"Iliveafewblocksover.Easiertopayonceandjustgetoutandwalkthentellhimasecondaddress.

Youknowme,Idon'tmindthewalk."

"Okay."Thatexplainsthat.Mymistakefortheprematureandawkwardgoodbyehug.

WechataboutthegameforafewminutesandIconfessaboutmygrandfatherandknowingthesport

insideandout.

He'sinterestingandengagingfortherestoftheride,askingmeaboutwhatitwaslikeasakid

courtside.Hepaysthetaxifareandleavesageneroustip.He'salmostperfect.

"Well,that'sme.Goodnight,"Isay,pointingtomybuilding.

Hestandsstifflywithhisarmsbyhissides.Istepforwardtogivehimanotherhug.Hischeekis

inclinedtowardmymouthandmylipsmeetpricklyscruffgrowingin.Iwinceandheshufflesbackas
thoughshockedordisgustedthatIwouldkisshim.He'stheonewhoneedstoshave!

"SeeyouThursday,"Isay,wavingandwipingmymouthwhenIturntomybuilding,eagertogoover

theeveningwithKat.

OnlyMewgreetsmeatthedoor."Momisprobablyoutonahotdatewithaguywhowantstokissher

back,"Imutter.

Chapter26

Cool

IposttoTheBoyfriendBookBlogaboutmydatewithOmarandourlacklusterphysicalinteraction.

MyreadersandIsiftthroughpossibilitiesandoptionstoexplainhisbehavior:

Maybewe'reoutofsync.

Perhapshe'srecentlybrokenupafteralongrelationshipandhavingahardtimeadaptingtothe

presenceofotherwomen.

Itcouldbethatit'sbeenawhilesincehewasonadateorhe'sshy.

Plainandsimple—he'snervousaroundwomen.

He'sbeenrejectedintherecentpastanddoesn'twanttobehurtorembarrassedagain.

He'sexperiencingpersonalproblemsincludingbutnotlimitedtoillness,illness,ordeathofa

lovedoneorbelovedpet,orfinancialstruggles.

Orhe'sjustnotintome.

Withtheseexplanationsforhisbehaviorinmind,wemakeupaplanofaction:duringtheworkout,I'll

returnhisfrequenttouches,thusincreasingphysicalfamiliarity.I'llalsoinquiremoreabouthimandhis
life,drawinghimoutofhisshell.Sincethegymiscomfortableturfforhim,I'llhavehimwarmedup,and
thenwecangooutagainafterward.I'llbesuretodouble,perhapseventriple,mycaffeineconsumption
soI'mnotdeadtiredaftertheworkout.

IlogontomyUBossaccount,skimmingthisweek'smoduletitleddreaming.Imissedmostofthedaily

tasksbecauseI'vebeenbusywithwork,workingout,orsleeping—Carrickplaysaprominentroleinmost
ofthesewartimenightmaressoI'mnottookeenonthismodule.

ItinstructsUsingyourjournal,freewriteaboutwhatyouknewyouwantedtobewhenyouwere

akid.

Ipricklewithresistance,butopenafreshdocumentandtitleitWhenIgrowup…Thecursorteases

mewhenminutespassandthepageremainsblank

Irereadthemodulenotes.Remembertheinnocencewhenyouwerelittle,howyoutrustedwholly

inyourself,inpossibility,andmagic.Mostofuschangeaswegrowupandourdesirestakeusin
differentdirections.Someofusaretoldourdreamsareimpossible.Othertimeswesimplyletour
dreamsgotosleepandfillourliveswithwhatwethinkispractical,feasible.Visittheatticinyour
mindandwhenyoudigoutthoseoldtreasures,holdtheminyourhand,recallthewayyourbig,little
girldreamsmadeyoufeel.

Isitinfrontofmycomputeruntilthescreengoesblack.WhenIwaslittle,Iwantedtowritebooks.I

hadaromanticvisionofmeatmydeskwithanold-fashionedtypewritercreatingworldsonthepage.

Ijigglethetouchpadandthecomputerlightstolife.IreadMimi'slastinstruction.

Whatdoyoudreamaboutdoingnow?

TheproblemisIdon'thaveastoryIcantell.

*

Kat'sbeenscarcelatelyandwhenshestumblesinanhourbeforemypersonaltrainingsessionwith

Omar,Ifindoutit'sbecauseshe'sbeenatadvancedyogateachertrainingallweek.

IstarttofillherinonmylastdatewithOmar,buthereyesdroopandshebegsoff,saying,"I'llcatch

upontheblog,"beforedisappearingintoherbedroom.Ihearthespringsonhermattressbounceasifshe
droppedrightintobed.

Myfitnessclothesaren'tasstylishasKat's,butIpullonapairofblackleggingswithcutoutsofsheer

fabric,apinksportsbra—that’smorebraandlesssports—,andafittedsweatshirtthatI'llhaveoffinthe
firstfiveminutes.TheaddendumtotheplanmyblogreadersandImadewastolookhotsoOmar
wouldn'tbeabletokeephishands,andhopefullyhislips,offme.WithoutKattoguideme,Iaskmyself
whatshe'ddointhisinstanceandbringachangeofclotheswiththesuggestionwegotoaclubaftermy
session.

Withawarmhello,IimmediatelytackleOmarwithahug,beingdeliberatewithmyarmsandnot

leavinganyroomforawkwardmovement.Idiverightinwithfriendlyandpointedquestionstogethimto
talkabouthimselfasheguidesmethroughvariousmovementsusingallofthetoysthegymhastooffer:
resistancebands,kettlebells,balanceballs,weights,andropes.

He'shandsonthroughthetrainingsession,notshyaboutrunninghisfingeralongmyarmwhenhe

wantsmetolengthen,nudgingmyshouldersbackwhenhewantsmetoopenup,extendingmyspine,and
aligningmyknees.Bythetimehehasmeonthedeeptissuefoamroller,I'vebuiltupthecouragetogrip
hisarmwhenIlosemybalanceandgospoolingoffthething.

IrightmyselfandthemovementovertherollermassagesandreleasessorespotsIdidn’trealizeI

had.Amoanescapes,andthenanother,lowandsultry.Itwasn'tmyintentiontomakesuchprovocative
noises,butnowitechoesinmyearsagainstthepumpingsoundtracklikewe'regettingnaughtyina
darkenedcornerofaclub.IpeekovermyshouldertoseeifOmarhasareaction.

Hewearshisserious,personaltrainerexpression:jawset,eyesfixedonmymechanics,andsays,

"Soundslikeyou'rereleasingsomebuiltuplacticacid.That'sfantastic."

Notsexy.Notsexyatall.

Whenwe'redoneheasks,"Areyousleepingbetter?"

Ishrug,channelingKat'svoiceinmyearandbattingmyeyelashestoseeifthesuggestionofsleeping

wakeshimup.Nope.

"Feelingbetteroverall?Stronger?"

Iletmyhanddrifttohisupperarm."Youcouldsaythat."

"Goodtohear,"herepliesenthusiastically.

"Actually,muchbetter.Iwaswonderingifyouwanttogooutlater.Allthisactivitymakesmewantto

move,dance."Isay,wigglingmyhipsandpracticallythrowingupinmymouth.WhoamI?Ohyes,Kat's
pawninthisdatingdare.IfIsucceed,she'llleavemealoneandIcangobacktomeetingfictionallovers
bynightinmybooks.

"TheKnicksareplayingtheCelticstonight.There'sasportsbardownthestreet.Wecouldgrabsome

wingsandwatchthegame."

NotexactlywhatIhadinmind,butthetensionofthegameandourrivalteamsmightworkinmy

favor.

Ichangeintoatealdressthat'sshorterthanIrememberlasttimeIworeitandtallblackboots.WhenI

waltzoutofthelockerroom,Omarhardlysparesmeaglanceandmechanicallysays,"Ilikethecolorof
yourdress."

"Thanks."Hiscommentandmygarmentsdolittletowarmmewhenwestepoutsideandwalkafew

blockstothesportsbar.

Iskipthenachosthistimeandinsteadorderasalad,decidingI'lltrybeing"that"girlsinceI'm

dressedlikehertonight,insteadofmysalsa-eating,ref-arguing,basketball-lovingself.However,Istop
shortofaskinghimamillionstupidquestionsasifIdon'tknowhowthegameisplayed.

Duringcommercialsandreplays,Itrytoenticehimwithleadingquestions:whatdoyoudowhen

you'renottraining?Andwheredidyougrowup?Asmyfruitydrink(blech!)drains,Iwanderintostrange
territory,askinghimwhathedreamtaboutbeingwhenhegrewup,knowingmyanswer,butfeelingthe
dismalunrealityofit.

Hewantedtobeaproballplayerandevenmadetheteamincollege,butnevergotoffthebench.This

confessionfeelsstrangelyintimate,notsomethingyou'dadmittoagirlyou'reoutwithifyouwanttocome
offseemingultra-masculine.

"I'dlovetoseeyouplay,"Isay."Areyouonateamnowordopickupgames?"

Heshiftsuncomfortablyinhisseatandtheconversationdeadends.Ilooparoundabout,lostinmy

ownthoughtsabouthowCarrickendedupwithmydreamofbeingapublishednovelist.Thedog.
Definitelyabulldog,alwaysgettingwhathewants.Ifwe'rekeepingscore,he'sbrokenmyheartmorethan
afewtimesatthispoint.

Asifoncue,myphonevibrateswithatext.

Itfromhim.How'sitgoing?

Iconsidernotreplying,suspiciousthisisawartactic,butOmar,thathothunkofman,isgluedtothe

game.AsmuchasIlovetheCeltics,I'mboredwatchingthemgettheirbuttswhooped.WatchinganNBA
travesty.

Wantcompany?IcanbringDoritosandorangesoda.There'salittletwingeinmyfoodlovingsoul.

Heremembersmyfavoritesnackstoeatwhilewatchingagame.

I’mout,butthanks.

HistextbubbleblinkssolongIwonderifhe'swritinganovel.IturnmyattentionbacktoOmarand

thegame.He'scheeringwhentheKnicksscore,teasingmewithabrotherlypunchinthearm.

Istruggletocomeupwithatrashtalkingresponse,butmyphonevibratesagain.

Didyougetmyemail?

Yeah.I'vebeenbusy.Sorry.It'salameresponse,butall'sfairinloveandwar.

Histextbubbleblinks,disappears,andtheKnickswin.

Iturnmyattentionbacktomydate,feelingdistinctlylikeI'monthelosingteam,whenhethrowsback

theremainsofhisbeer,knockshisglassonthetable,andsays,"Goodgame.Ihavetocallitanight,early
clienttomorrow."Hetossessomecashonthetableandsays,"Wouldyoulikemetowalkyouhome?"

Myphonevibrates.CarrickwroteCool.Coolasinneat?Alowtemperature?Fashionable?Calm?

Whatever.ThisismylastchancewithOmar.

Istepintothenight,linkingmyarmthroughOmar'sasIteeteronheelsandthecontentsofthreefruity

drinks.Igetascloseaspossibleforstability,warmth,andsuggestionaswecrossthestreet.

"It'sashametheCelticslost.Ithasn'tbeenthesamewithoutmygrandfatherthere."

"YoushouldrootfortheKnicks,they'restrongthisseason."

"I'mnothingifnotloyal,"Ilead,soifhe'sbeenwrongedbyanotherwoman,he'llknowI'mfaithful.

"Yeah,Igetit.MybrotherlovestheHornets,"hesays,notinganotoriouslylosingteam.

"Youweresayingearlieraboutthebasketballteamyouplayfor.Whatelsedoyoudowhenyou'renot

beinganabsolutestud?"Igagalittleatthesoundofmyvoice,sounlikemyown.Butflatteryand
inquiringabouthispersonallifearesurebetsforhimtoopenupifhehassomethingpersonalgoingon.

"Hangwithmyfamilyandfriends.Youknow,theusual."

"Doyouhaveabigfamily?Lotsoffriends?"

"Suredo,evenmygreatgrandfatherisstillwithus—hecreditshislongevitytohispepperplants.The

Williamshavebeenblessedwithgoodhealth."

"Pepperplants?"Iask,rulingoutthepossibilityhe'sdealingwithpersonalproblemssuchasillness

ordeathofalovedone.

"Yeah,hecamefromafamilyoffarmersandcultivatedpeppersontheside—spicyones.Started

Willy'sWildHotSauce.I'llbringyouabottlenexttimeyoucometothegym.Hebuiltahotsauce
empire."

Moneyprobablyisn'tanissuewithafamilyinheritanceandathrivingpersonaltrainingcareer.

"Awesome,"Isay,rememberingthelabelonKat'sbottleofhotsauceinthefridge."Ialwaysthoughta
greatnameforahotsaucewouldbeawesomesauce.Getit?"

Hechucklespolitely.

Thisismyfinalshottosavethegame.Ifhe'sjustplainnervousaroundwomen,I'llmakehim

comfortable,verycomfortable.Iputonmymostcoyandsuggestivesmile,trailmyfingeralonghis

jawlineandsay,"It'scold.Wanttocometomyapartmentandwarmup?"

"Ah,"hehesitates."That'sreallycoolofyou,butlikeIsaid,earlymorningtomorrow.Ihavetogetup

atfive.Thanksthough."

Cool,indeed.Notfrigidoricy,becauseOmarprobablydoesn’thaveameanboneinhisbody.He's

kind,thoughtful,sweet,butcertainlynotinterested.Coolasincalm,disinterested.

Hestepsforwardandliftshisarmsjauntilylikehe'sneverhuggedmeoranyoneelse,whichIfind

hardtobelievegiventhebigfamilyandabundanceoffriends.

Ourshoulderstapandthenhisarmgrazesmyboob.Bingo!

Hestumblesback."I'msosorry.Pleaseforgiveme.Ididn'tmeanto—"hestarts,apologizing

profusely.

"It'sokay.We're…cool.Thanksforthetrainingsessionanddinner.Goodnight,"Isay,stepping

towardmydoor.

Hedipshishead,waves,andopenshismouthtosaysomething,butIstrutawaysohecanseewhat

he'smissing,agirlinatragicallyshortdresstwistingherankleonthetopstep.Iglanceovermyshoulder,
buthe'salreadygone.

Iguesshe'sjustnotintome.

Chapter27

BunsandShakes

Iavoidmyblog,UBoss,andthegreensmoothieKatleftinthefridgeformebeforeshewenttothe

lastdayofheradvancedyogateachertraining.Withouthertotalkmeoutofthisdefiniteblowtomyego
withOmar,alongwiththelow,steelycloudshoveringoverthetopsofthesurroundingbuildings,andthe
quiet,yetongoingconflictwithmyheart,IdecideI'mgoingintohibernationfortherestofthewinter—or
theweekend,atleast.

First,Ineedsupplies.Ibundleupandsetoutforthebookstoreandthenthesupermarket.I'mona

questtogatherbooksandchocolate,andlotsofeach.

Iclutchmyhandstogetherundermymittens,fightingoffthecold,butIcrossmyfingers,hopingmy

BookBoyfriendisn'tworkingtodayonlysoIdon'thavetofeelguiltyaboutnotcompletingKat'sdare.
Valentine'sDayisaweekawayandIdon'tthinkIhaveitinmetokeepupthecharade.NotthatOmar
alonedashedmydreamsofadoily-heartdate,butI'mtired,cold,andthemixedfeelingsIhaveabout
Carrickpointtowardspendingtherestofthewinterinmyroom.

Omar'srejectionisn'tthekindIshedtearsover,wehardlyknoweachother,butI'mfeelingfragileand

unattractivewhenthelittlebellsjingleonthedoorofthebookstore.AlthoughIdidn'tputonabraunder
mypuffyparka,sothere'sthat.

Idon'ttakeoffmyhat—notCarrick's,notKat's—,butmyownwithamatchingscarfthatmygrandma

made,makingmyreflectionlookmoremarshmallow-likethanhuman.

IhightailittotheromancesectionbecauseIhaveonethingonmymind:abeachread,aromantic

escape,ahot,hunkyalpha.Iwantflowersandwooing,thoughtfullittlelovenotes,andsex,lotsofhot,
passionate,raunchysex.Sexinelevators,inthebackseatsofcars,onkitchencounters,onofficedesks,
anywhereandeverywhere.Iwantthesweetandthesalty.Iwantthef-u-nthatI'mnothaving.

IpickupseveralnewreleasesandthenIthumbthroughtheshelvesforafewofmyfavoriteauthorsto

seeifthereareanytitlesImissed.Fairchild,Faust,Ferdinand,Findley...Flynn.NotwhatIwaslooking
for,butcuriosityisanirresistiblevisitor.AsIreadthebackofoneofC.K.Flynn'sbooksfromtheLove
Lettersseries,heatlicksmywristsandthebitofmyexposedface,beggingforreleaselikesteamfroma
kettle.ThestackofbookstopplesoutofmyhandsandasItrytocatchthemmidair,myunzippedbaggoes
flying,scatteringloosecoins,myreadingglassescase,phone,andatampon.

Itugmyhatdownovermyfaceatthecrash,echoingonthedustyfloor,andcringewithaninborn

senseofembarrassment.Flustered,Ilowertoacrouch,gatheringmyitemsandthebooks,whenafigure
bendsovernexttome.Hepassesmemyphone,afewcoins,avoidsthetampon,andthenthebookby
C.K.Flynn.

Beadsofsweatescapefromundermyhat,stingingthecornerofmyeyes.I'mitchyandsweatingand

redfaced.Imumbleacourteous,"Thankyou,"andlookup,meetingcognaceyes.Iactuallydon'tknow
exactlywhatspecificshadeofbrownthatis,butit'sthewordthatcametomind.

"Missedyoucomingby.Haven'tseenyouhereinawhile,"saystheclerkakamyflirtatiousBook

Boyfriend.

"Library,"Icroak.IclearmythroatsinceIhaven'tyetspokentoahumantoday.

"Preparingforalongweekendwiththebigstormcoming?"heasks.

"I,uh,yeah.Iguessso."Inclementweatherisnewstome.MaybeMr.Douchewillcallasnowday

andIcanactuallyhibernate.

BookstoreBoyfriend's(akaBB,movingforward)taperedfingertapsC.K.Flynn'scover,brandished

withtwopairsoffeetrubbingtogether."Don’tyoualwayswonderwhatauthorswhouseacronym'sreal
namesare?"

"No.Imean,notinthisinstance."

"Doyouknowtheauthor?"

"Oh,um,justafan,youcouldsay."

Hiseyebrowsformdoublepeaksasthoughhe'salwayspointingsomethingoutwithwryinterest—or

devilishness."Youdon'tseemanydudeswhowritethisstuff,notthatI'mpayingattention."

"No,youdon't,"Iconfirm,especiallynotthisparticulardude.

Hetakesmybookstothecounter."I'llleavetheseupfrontifyouwanttocontinuebrowsing,"hesays

helpfully.

"Oh,um,Ithinksevenbooksisenough."

"Alwaysgoodtostockup.There'sanewonebyS.L.Parvell,"hesayswithawink,referringtoan

eroticawriter.

Whathappenedtoinnocentboynextdoor?Isupposelookscanbedeceiving.

"I'mgood."Istickwiththesweeter,cleanerromances;theycontainsex,butIprefertoleavealittleto

my,ahem,activeimagination.

"Yousure?"

Foramomentthelookonhisfacemakesmewonderifhe'saskingifI'magoodgirl(unlikethe

naughtyleadingladiesinParvell'snovels)orconfirmingthatIdon’twantanymorebooks.Inodvaguely
andhesmirks.

"MynameisTristen,bytheway."HeholdsouthishandandIunsheatheminefromitsmitten,wipethe

littleballsofcottonandsweatonthesideofmycoat,wrinklemynoseinapology,andgiveitashake.It
doesn'tfitlikeaglove(Inoticethesethings)andit'salittleclammy,butmineistoo.

"I'mNavy."

"Navy?Whatkindofnameisthat?"Heasks.Again,I'mnotsureifhe'scuriousorwhat.

"Anoldname,"Isay,leavingitatthat.

"Nicetofinallymeetyou,Navy."Idon’tthinkit'ssupposedtostartsnowinguntiltonight,butifyou'd

liketogooutandgrabsomedinner—"

Saywhat?Holdon.I'mbeingaskedonadatebynumberfouronKat'slistofguysshewantsmeto

date,theBookBoyfriend?Howisthispossible?AmIexperiencingheatstroke?Iconsidertakingoffmy
outerlayer,butthenImightscarehimoffwithmycrazyhair.

DoIwanttohavedinnerwithaguywholikesbooks?Yes,please.

"That'dbegreat,"Isay,tuckingagreasy,straypieceofhairbehindmyhat.Ireallyneedtoshower.

Heringsupmybooksandtuckstheminabag."Ishouldbedonehereatsixorso.Sometimesthe

personwhoworkseveningsandrestocksislate.I'lltextyouwhenI'mfree."

Iswipemycreditcardtopayatthesametimeweexchangenumbers,andthenhepassesmemybag

andreceipt.

WhenIstepoutside,anArcticblastsendsthereceiptskitteringdownthesidewalk.Idashafteritand

nearlyslipasIcaptureitbeneathmyboot.Iglancedownandnoticeheonlychargedme$9.95.Theseven
booksshouldtallyuptoatleastahundreddollarswithtax,whichI'llgladlypaytosupportthebookstore
andauthors.I'mabookloverandconsideritmycontributiontotheartseventhoughIcan'tdeductitattax
time.

Maybetherewasaproblemwiththebarcodereader,butit'stoocoldformetoturnback.I'llaskhim

later.KnowingIhaveadatewithmyBookBoyfriendputsasmileonmyfaceandaskipinmystep,
thoughnotanactualskipbecauseIdon'twanttosliponthefrozenslush.

Istopbythesupermarket,notgettingquiteasmuchchocolateasIoriginallyplanned,butfillmy

basketwithbrowniemakingingredients,grilledcheesestaples,andKat'sfavoritesmoothiestuffsince
there'sastormcoming.

BythetimeIgethome,mysmileisfrozeninplace,alongwithalittlebitofsaliva.Ithawinthe

elevatorandhurrydownthehallway,mybagsswishingandknockingagainstmylegs.

Thewaterrunsinthebathroom,tellingmeKat'shome.Iunpackthegroceriesandthenmybooks,but

whereIthoughtI'dpurchasedsevenbooks,despitetheerroronthereceipt,thereareacouplemore:the
ParvellbookIsaidIwasn'tinterestedinandtheonebyC.K.FlynnthatIdidn'tintendtopurchase.I
scratchmyhead;theremusthavebeenamixuporsomething.

Kathums,decompressinginthetubafterhertrainingimmersionanddoesn'thollerformetotellher

aboutlastnight.

IwriteablogaboutthelacklusterdatewithOmar,despitemyattemptstospicethingsup.Well,as

spicyasagirlwhocanbarelygetpastajalapenocanmanage.However,ifhisfamilyisinthehotsauce
business,maybeIdidn'tturntheheatupenough.

IoptfortransparencyandtellTheBookBoyfriendBlogreadershowIwantedtocurlupintoabook-

readingballforthebetterpartoftheweekend,onlyemergingfrommycocoonforchocolate.ThenIleave
themwithatastylittletease:

Inasurprisingturnofevents,theBookBoyfriend,thefriendlyandhelpfulclerkatmylocal

indiebookshop,askedmeoutonadate.TheHottiein7G,theMan-bun-barista,andtheGymStud

maynothaveworkedout,butperhapsIsavedthebestforlast.Whatdotheysay,fourthtimeisthe
charm?No,Iguessthatisn'twhattheysay,butwhocares.Ihaveadatewithanerdlikeme.
Yippee!

IhearasplashandthenKatyells,"Navy,whydidn'tyoutellme?WhydoIhavetofindthesethings

outonyourblog?"

Ilaughandgotothebathroomdoor."Becauseyouwererelaxing.Ididn'twanttobotheryou."

"You'resuchagoofball."Herwetfeetslaponthetilefloor,thetowelwhooshesaroundher,andthen

shepopsherheadthroughthecrackinthedoor."Youwentfromrejectiontoredemption.Hmm.Whereare
youguysgoing?"

"He'sgoingtotextme."

"Whatareyougoingtowear?"

"Notsure."

"Doyouthinkhe'sintothesexylibrarianthing?Youcouldtotallyrockthatlook.Avintageskirt,some

pearls,alowbun.Yeow."

"Idon'tknow,"Iinhaledeeply,bobupanddown,andthenitturnsintoahopandwe'reboth

squealing."Maybehe'stheone,"Iwhisper.

Spencerwassomesexystuff,Bashwasadud,andOmarwasassweetascanbe,butnotintome.I've

kindofgotteninterestedintheideaofhavingadateonValentine'sDayormaybeevengettingtoknow
someone.Thegirlygirlinme,thefemininevixen,thebetrayedteenager,andpersonwhoenteredcollege
withabrokenheartthinksbeingaskedout,havingsomeoneshowinterestinmeisprettydamnexciting.

Atsix,I'mdressedandreadyinafittedsweaterwithascarfdrapedaroundmyneck,Icouldn'tdo

pearlseventhoughKatpracticallychokedmewiththem.Iwearwidelegjeanssinceit'scold,andapair
ofspikey-heeledbootsthatmightcausemetobreakmyankles.Katswipesonsomelipstick,whichI
instantlysmear.

"Holdstill.You'reimpossible,"shesays."Butbeautiful,asalways."

"Youreallythinkso?"

Shenods."Ifyouhaven'tnoticed,I'mnotfriendswithuglypeople."

Ilaugh."Ofcourseyou'dsaythat."

"It'strue.Nameoneofmyfriendswho'sugly?"sheasks.

Toriisstunning.MarcisthemosthandsomemanI'veeverlaideyeson.Lydiaisethereal…thelist

goeson."No,butyoualsotendtoseethebeautyinothers."

"BecauseIseeitinmyself,"shesayspracticallystabbingmewithherliftedeyebrowasiftosayI

betterdothesameifIknowwhat'sgoodforme.

"Soyouthinkhemightbetheone,"Iask.

"Youjustneverknow."

"Ikindofhatedyouforthisdare,butI'mgladyouhelpedme."

"Imayhavegivenyouanudge,butyou'vebeendoingtheheavylifting."

Iflexmyarm.Shegrabsholdofitandpullsmeintoahugbeforesteppingbackandsurveyingher

handywork.Weexchangeawarmfuzzykindoflookthatbestfriendsshare.

"Whatareyoudoingtonight?"Iask.

"BelieveitornotIthinkI'lltakeapagefromyourbookandstayin,chill,maybereador—"

"Sincewhendoyouread?"

"Iread…sometimes."

"MorelikebingewatchshowsonNetflix."

"Thattoo,"shesays,pickingupmyphoneandcheckingthetime—halfpastsix.

IexplainthatTristensaidsometimesthepersonwhocomesinafterhimislateandIrepeatthisan

hourlaterwhenhestillhasn'ttexted.

WesettleonthecouchandwatchanentireepisodeofGilmoreGirlswhenmyphonefinallydings.

Meetmeintwenty.There'salinkforanaddress.

"Okay,gonnarun."

Katsqueezesmyhand,andIexitthehalltothesweet,butteryandchocolatescentofcookiesbaking.

MaybeMrs.Hesspliesherdogswithbakedgoods.

Ispringforacabtotakemetotherestaurantnotwantingtoriskmydemiseintheboots.Theneonsign

hangingovertheentrywaysaysChester'sBunsandShakes.Theoutlineofabig-bustedwomanwinksand
herelectronicarmpointstothewordshakes.

MusicpumpswhenIstepinside.Thepearlswouldhavebeenoutofplace.However,soamI,atleast

withasweateron.

Thewomanatthehostessdesklookspointedlyatme,asiftoconfirmthisfact,orrather,herbare

nipplesaiminginmydirectionboldlyindicatethatIdon'tbelonghere.

Ichecktheaddressonmyphone,andsureenough,it'scorrect.MaybemyBookBoyfriendhasa

rowdysenseofhumorandthisisapracticaljoke.

Justthen,Tristenwavestomefromatable.Istalkover,onunsteadyfeet,unsureifImisunderstood.

I'mnotthekindofgirlwhoreadsS.LParvellandI'mcertainlynotthekindofgirlwhobitesintoa
hamburgeratatoplessrestaurant—notthatthere'sanythingwrongwiththat.It'sjustnotme.

"Hey,youmadeit.IthoughtmaybeIgaveyouthewrongaddress,"Tristensays.

"Youdidn'tgivemethewrongaddress?"Iask.

"No,isn'tthisplacegreat?"

IsteelmyselfwiththeassurancethatIwasaskedonadatebyaniceyoungmanandwillseeit

through.Gosh,thatsoundsold-fashioned.Icanbeprogressive.Iamafeminist.Ipassnojudgement.
TherearehundredsofrestaurantsinManhattanandthesewomenchoosetoworkhere.It'snot
objectification,butanempoweredchoicetoservehamburgersandhotdogswhiletopless.Itakeaseat.

"So,"Istart,butTristendoesn'thearmeasheoglestheemployees.

Icringewhenonecalls,"Hotplatescomingthrough."

Igrimacewhenafewcollegeageguysatanearbytableleerandsay,"Morelikehottits."

Ikeepmymouthshut.I'msurethesewomencanhandlethemselves.Ifanmyself,reachingforthe

waterthewaitressbroughtoverbeforeIarrived.Theymustkeepitwarminhereforthegirlssincethe
outdoortemperaturehoverssomewhereinthelowtwenties.

TristenfinisheshisbeerandIask,"Doyoucomehereoften?"

"Afewtimesaweek.Myexworkshere,"hesays,pointingtoagirlwithshiny,jetblackhairand

boobsthatcouldgivesomeoneablackeye.

Oh.NotsurehowtorespondIadd,"Wereyouwaitinglong?"

"Longenoughtogetbuzzed,"hesayswithabelch.

Ourwaitress,withgiant,jigglingbreastscomesover."Readytoshake?"sheasks.

Myexpressionofdiscomfortmusttranslatetoobviousbewilderment.

"Thatmeansareyoureadytoplaceyourorder,"shesays,cockingherhip,herbreastjustthere,ateye

level.

AfterabrieflookatthemenuIask,"Doyouhaveanyspecials?"

Sheleansoverthetable,brushingmyshoulderwithherboobandtapstheplasticspecialssign.

"We'rejustoutofthefriedpickles.Thosealwaysgofast."

Icroakoutmyorderforasimpleburgerandfriesandloosenmyscarf.

I.Can't.Even.

Chapter28

SomethingElse

I'mtheonlyfemaleintheroomwithashirton.Inadditiontokeepingtheserverswarm,perhapsthey

keepthetemperatureturnedupinheresohaplesswomenwhofindthemselvesinChester'sBunsand
Shakeswilltearofftheirtopsinafitofheatexhaustion.

Isurveythesurroundingtablesandseeagardenvarietyofmen:guysintheirmid-twentiesatbachelor

parties,afewone-topswithsmarmy,oilygrins,dudestalkingsports,andcollegeguysoutforkicks.Then
there'smyBookBoyfriendwho,whileinthebookstore,appearedtobeacute,innocentnerddressedin
jeansandaT-shirt.However,hereheappearsmorelikeaquestionablecharacterinthetheatricalversion
ofthisdatingdare.

Iclearmythroat."So,um,whatkindsofbooksdoyouliketoread?"

Heshrugslazily."High-fantasyoccasionally,butmostlyIworkatthebookstorebecauseit'salow

stressjob.Igetboredandpickupwhateverbookisclosesttothecounter."

"Bytheway,youdidn'tchargemecorrectlyforthebooksearlier.

Hisgazefollowsaserverashertractorbeamboobsholdtheattentionofnearlyeverymaleinthe

room."Whatwasthat?"heasksaftershepassesby,returninghisattentiontome.Sortof.

Irepeatmyconcern.

Hegrinsmagnanimously."Thinkofitasacomplimentaryhitagainstthetrappingsofcapitalism."

"Whataboutthebookstoreowners?"

"Screwthoseassholes.Theydon'tgivemepaidsickdays.Andbelieveme,Igetsickalot.Well,

hungover,butsamething."

"Andtheauthors?That'showtheymaketheirliving."

"Richassholes.Whatever.Itdoesn'tmatter."

I'mabouttoargueallofthiswhenapairofcymbalscrashtogetherfromsomewherebehindme.The

thuddingbassofclubmusicpumpsthroughthespeakersystem.Anearbytableofguyseruptsintocheers
asthegirls—allofthemlikeacongalineoftoplessbabes—dotheirverybestMarilynMonroeversionof
HappyBirthday.Meanwhile,awomandressedasMarilyn,blondwig,patentbeautymark,voluptuous
breasts,andadaringlyshortskirtbringsuptherear.

"Thisismyfavoritepart,"Tristensays.

TheMarilynlookalikescalesapodiumanddoesastripteaseforthebirthdayboy.

Asweknow,I'mnoprude,Spencercanattesttothat.However,thisistoomuch.Ican'tlook.

Ourmealshaven'tarrivedandIworrythekitchenhelparealsotopless—invitingmycuriosityabout

thehealthcodesBashmentioned—whenTristensays,"I'mgoingtopopoutforasmoke.Berightback.
Keepmyfoodwarm,babe."

Babe?

Heshufflesawayandamondopairofcantaloupesstaremedown."Didyouwantsomemorewater?"

theserverasks.

Idryswallow."Yes,please."I'mtemptedtointerviewheraboutherreasonsforworkinghere,when

myphonevibrates.

IassumeKatya'scheckingonmeandIprepareadesperatetextalongthelinesofRescueme,please,

butit'sfromCarrick.Whatareyoudoingtonight?

AreweatthepointwherehecasuallyasksmewhatI'muptoorishedoingreconnaissanceandIneed

toarmmyself?Itype.Onadate.Theneraseitandthenretype,butbeforeIcanrethinkit,Ihitsend.

Duringthedelayinhisresponse,whichIassumehe'sdoingsincehistextbubbledotsblink,twobig

plates,minepiledhighwithFrenchfries,arrives.

Istuffseveralinmymouth,stillstressedaboutmysurroundings,Tristen'spresenceandabsence,and

Carrick'stext,whichcontinueswithSorry.Didn'tmeantobotheryou.

Halfwaythroughmyburger,I'mannoyedTristenstillhasn'treturnedandthatI'msomehowstillhere.

I'mreadytoleaveandtextCarrickbackActually,hesteppedoutforasmoke.Iaddacringingemoji.

Hisanswerisimmediate.So…notsuchahotdate?

Oh,youcouldsayit'shot.Istealthilysnapapictureofoneofthetoplessserverswithenormous

surgicallyenhancedglobesthatdefygravity.

HetextsThey'renotthewayIrememberthemandyoushouldprobablymakeitcleartoyour

datethatsendingmesexytextsdoesn'tmeananything.Youdon'twanttopisshimoff.Headdsthe
winkingemoji.

AsmilebrimsonmylipsdespitethefactthatI'mnotsurewhatkindofrelationshipwecouldever

expecttoresurrect.

ThenheaddsIfyou’retakingasurvey,Ipreferthenaturallook.

Goodtoknow.

Inallseriousness,ifyouneedanexitstrategyI'vegot'em.Let'ssee,yourgrandmotherclogged

thetoiletandsheneedsyourplunger,stat.Oryouforgotyoupromisedyournephewyou'dhelphim
withhisscienceproject,oryou'reworriedyouleftthecoffeemaker/curlingiron/ovenon.

Histextbubbleblinksagain.Oryouhavetomeetupwithanoldfriendandhaveadrink.Orpie.I

couldgoforsomeofthatchocolatecreampie.OrIcouldmeetyouwhereveryouareandmakethis
nightevenmoreinteresting.

Isighandmysmileisasbigandcrazyasalltheguys'leeringatthetoplessservers.Shoutingcomes

fromthekitchenandthenTristencrashesintohischair,coughs—notbotheringtocoverhismouth—and

startsgripingaboutstaffrules.

Ionlyfollowabouthalfofwhathe'ssaying,butgleanhemethisex-girlfriendduringherbreak,hence

theexcusetogooutforasmoke,andtheyhadanargument.

"ItoldherI'dtakeherbackifshestopsblowingBrody—that'smyroommate."

IsearchTristen'sfacetobesureIhaven'tenteredamoderndayhigh-fantasyalternatereality

theatricalproduction.Hegivesmeadopyshrug.

WhereIthoughtwe'dgetliteraryandtalkaboutYeatsandAusten,Ifindaguywhostealsbooks.

Wherewemighthaverecountedourfavoritebookhangovers,here'saguywhoconsidersabeerhangover
worthyofasickday.WhereIwantedtocomparebooktofilmadaptations,thisdudeaskedmetomeet
himsohecouldmakehistoplessgirlfriendjealous.

Palm.Forehead.

NowIgetit.

Ileaninandwhisperconspiratorially,"Tristen,whichoneisshe?"

"Who?"

"Yourgirlfriend."

"Well,Idatedher,"hesays,pointingatabrunette."Andher."Hegesturestoagirlwithtwintankards

ofbeerbarelyconcealingherbreasts."Andthat'sStarr."

"Theonewhowon'ttakeyouback?"Iask.

Henodsglumly.

Igettomyfeetandcall,"Excuseme,Starr."Severalpairsofeyeslandonmeandthere'sa

discernablehushintheroom.Shewalksover,hereyesnarrowed,andboobsswayingtothebeatofthe
music.

"He'snotworthit,"Isay,irritably.ThenturntoTristenandadd,"Anddon'tinvitewomentoatopless

restauranttomakeyourexjealous.It'srude."ItossdownmynapkinandstalkoutofChester'stoachorus
ofOohsandhearsomeonesay,"Harsh,bro."

Thecoldairburnsmylungs.Ipulloutmyphone.Wheredoyouwanttomeetforpie?

Inunderahalfhour,aperfectsliceofchocolatecreampiereststemptinglyonthetablebetween

Carrickandme.AsIwonderwho'sgoingtotakethefirstbite,hereachesfortheforkandadensemorsel
ofrichdarkchocolate,toppedwithadollopoffluffycreamandchocolateshavingsappearsaninchfrom
mymouth.

Iopen.

Hefeedsme.

Iclosemyeyes.Ichew.

We'veunofficiallycalledatruceoverchocolate.

Atlast,thereispeaceinNavy-Carrickland.

Atleastfornow.

Iblinkmyeyesandhisgunmetalblueeyeslaydowntheirweapons.They'reoceansofcalmand

kindness.MaybeIcouldforgivehim.ThenIsnapto.I'mnotthateasy.I'mthegirlwhostandsupina
toplessrestaurantandtellsaguyhe'sacreep.I'magirlwho'sallbutlockedupherheartandthrown
awaythekey.I'mneverforgivinghimormyself.

Istraighteninthevinylbooth,sittinguptaller.Allhe'sgivenmeisabiteofpie.

Yet,Ifeelasoftening.Anopening,fromthatstrangeplace,deepwithinthatwarmedtoKatya'sdare

allthoseweeksago.

Ismileandtakeanotherbite.It'sasuperbsliceofpie.

Inshortorder,I'veoutlinedthesordidtaleofwhat'slikelytogodowninthehistorybooksasthe

worstdateever,atleastforme."Idon'trecommendgoingtoChester's,unlessyou'reintothatkindof
thing.Theburgerwasn'tevenverygood.ThoughIdidn’ttryashake."

"Itoldyoualready,Ilikethingstobealittlemoreorganic."Heclearshisthroat.There'sasmolder

behindhiseyes,butitdisappearswhenhetakesasipofcoffee.

"Theworstpartishestoleoneofyourbooks."

"Oneofmybooks?"

Iexplainaboutmybagofbooksandthereceipt.

"Whatexactlymadeyougooutwithhim?"Carrickasks,holdingoutthelastbiteofpieforme.

Icaptureitinmymouth,relishingtheperfectbalanceofcrust,cream,andchocolate.

Carrickleansover,dabbingtheedgeofmylip."Youhadsomethingthere,"hesays,wipingitaway.

Thestrangeandboldurgetolickhisfingerpopsintomymind.Iwouldnever,butasmilebloomson

myfacenonetheless.

"What?"heasks.

IshakemyheadbecausenotonlywouldIneverdothat,I'dnevertellhimIhadthethought.Ituckit

awaytofindmanymorelikeit,mostofthemrecordedbetweentheagesoffourteenandseventeenand
three-quarters.

Asifreadingmymindhesays,"Rememberthatnightitwasrainingandeveryoneplannedtogotothe

movies,thenafewpeoplecanceled—IthinkMarshallwassick—sowedecidedtomeetupatSal'sfor
bowling,butIdon'tknowwhathappened—youandIendedupinmydriveway."

"Wesatinyourcarandlistenedtomusicforhours."Itwasbasicallythenightofmydreams,beingleft

alonewithCarrickinastorm,withmusicplayinglowandneitheroneofuswantingtobravethepelting
raintoruninthehousewhereClaireandherboyfriendwerewaitingforus.Wetalkedforhoursand
hours.

Carrickhidesagrin."Damnthegearshift."

"Huh?"

"Inconvenientplacement."Hislipsquirk.

Oureyesmeet.Endlesssummersky.Irecallthegearshiftbetweenthetwoseats.

"Iwantedto.Ialwayswantedto,"hewhispers,flexinghisfingersandthenexamininghispalms.

"Thenwhydidn'tyou…?"IaskthequestionIalreadyknowtheanswerto.

"Ididn'twanttomessthingsup.AndZachandClaireandourparentsand—"

"Everythinggotmessedupanyway,"Isay.

"Itdid,"heagrees."Yethereweare."Heturnshishandsoverandslapshispalmsonthetable,

grippinganinvisibleregret.Ifighttheurgetotaketheminmine.

"Yeah."Istutteranexhale.

"Sotellmehowwegothere?"heasks.

IexplainaboutKatya'sdare,leavingoutthewebsiteanddetailsthatinvolvecookiedoughanddrug

dealers.

I'mnotsureifhisexpressionispartlysunnyorpartlycloudy.There'sadifference,youknow.Hiseyes

sparkle,butthere'sdefinitelyashadowtheretoo.Ikeepawatchfuleyeonmyshieldandsword.

Theserverrefillsourcoffees.Acomfortablesilencebreathesbetweenus.ForsolongIwantedto

stunhimwithlaserbeameyes,shoothimthedeathstare,andwatchhimwritheinpain,butI'moutof
ammunition.There'snofusetolight.ButthereisasparkwhenIlookintohisblueeyes,revivingafeeling
inmethatwasnothingbutembers.

Idon’tmindstayingalittlelonger,evenifitmeansbeingupallnight.It'stimeCarrickandIreallydo

talk,despitehowmuchitmighthurtbecausethefightisleavingmewithlittlemorethantheachingheartI
startedwith.

"Sodoyoumeanyouhaven'tbeenwithsomeonesince—"Heclearshisthroatandtakesasipof

coffee.

"Don'tflatteryourself.Therehavebeenafew."

"Iwon'task."

"Iwon'ttell."It'sthemomentofreckoning.Oratleastamoment."I'mruined,Carrick."

Heflinches.Iwasn'tshootingtowound."That'snottrue."

Icannolongerswallowbackthetruth.AllmyrecentUBosswork,keepingmyselffromlivingmore,

Kat'sdare,myinsulatedlifeconsistingmostlyofwork,chocolate,andbooksbottlenecksandthenpours
outofme."Youhurtme,butit'snothingtothepainmydeceitcaused.Ican'tlivewithmyself.Idon't
deservetoloveorbeloved.I'llpayformytransgressionsuntilmylastbreath."

Carrick'seyesdarkenandhegetstohisfeet.Hethrowsatwenty-dollarbillonthetable,grabsmy

handandcoat,andpullsmeoutside.

Istrugglegettingmymittensonasherushesusafewdoorspastthediner.Snowpricksholesinthe

nightsky,butthere'snochancetoadmireitbecauseCarrickthrustsmeagainstabrickwall.Hegripsmy
shoulders,hisblueeyesprobingthedepthsofmine.

Ican'thelpbutinhalehissmell,stronglymasculineandtheocean-sweptboyIremember,

interminglingwiththefreshscentofsnow.There'sapanginmychest.

Heleansin.

Ournosesbrush.

Mybreathcatches.

"Thisdoesn'tmakesense,"Iwhisper.

"Itdoesn'thaveto."

Oncemore,hislipsbrushagainstmine.Iliftmychin,movingcloseruntilthere'sfirmcontact.Hiskiss

isslowatfirst,abriefinquiry.

Myupperlipgainstheattentionofhislower.Thenweswitch.Hetakesadelicatenibbleandthen

there'sthesoftintroductionoftongue.Irespondwithmyown.Theyflirt,theydance,andtheyfinda
rhythm.Hishandtanglesinmyhair,protectingmefromthebrick.Wespeakawordless,allbutforgotten
language,butasthekissingcontinuesunderasnowyskyscape,wefindwe'refluentinthislanguage—the
oneoflove,notwar,nothate,butoftenderaffection,apulsingconnection.

Hepicksupmomentumanddemand.

IkisshimwithalltheenergyI'vekeptinsidetheseyears:thelove,thehate,theconfusion,thepain,

andthelongingchannelsthroughmylips.

Heemitsalowsoundlikeasexybeast.

Ishiver.

Hepausesandleansback,wearingawolfishgrin."Areyoucold?Doyouwantmetostop?"

"No,"Iwhisper,tugginghimcloser."No,Idon'twanttostop."

IspiralawayfromthestreetinNewYorkCity,twobravesoulsinthemidstofastorm,andbackto

whereitallstarted.

Itrytorushpastthegatekeeperthatismymindandintothemusclememoryofmyheart.

Mymind,thetraitor,givesintomyheartthat'swantedCarricksobadly.Itstepsawayfromthebattle

wagedforsomanyyearswithanoffering,adeclarationofarmistice.Hismouthandminesmoothoverthe
roughedgesofmywounds,healingatlast.

Thearmyinmybrain,intentonprotectingme,insiststhiscan'tbe.It'swrong.

Myheartthrobsoutasteadybeat:want,need,love.

Ourkisscontinues,stretchingbeyondthepast,intothefuture,andwrappingusininfinity.

Carrickpullsaway,noapologyinhisface,andinitsplaceadeepandrelentlesswant,need,love.

Hisvoiceislow,husky,almostagrowl."I'vewantedtodothatforavery,verylongtime."

"Iwantyoutodoitagain."

HewentfromsomeoneIcouldn'thave,tosomethingIdidn'twant,tosomethingelse:yettobe

defined.Possibility?He'samanmadevisionofmuscle,strength,andconfidence,withapoetictongue,
andapersistentdesireforme,atleastrightnow.Ipushawaythelater.

Wekissforafewmoreminutesbeforehewalksmehomeinthefallingsnow.

Chapter29

BlizzardBob

ThenextmorningI'mfloatingoncloudsandnotbecausefluffywhitesnowfillsthewindowframe.

WhathasmedreamyandwarmlikeI'minsideasnowglobeisCarrick'skiss.Thoselipsonminecould
sustainmefortherestofmylifeandyetI'mhungryformore.Ifeelfierceandvulnerable,afighteranda
lover,arebelandloyaltotheinsistentbeatinginmychest.

Despiteseveralrefillsofcoffeeaccompanyingthepieandconversation,Ifloppedintobedlastnight

tootiredtothinkabouthowabadnightveeredintosomethingelse.

MaybeCarrickandIcouldhavesomethingelse.Idon'tknowwhatandmaybewedon'tneedtodefine

itjustyet,butperhaps…

Iwanderouttothekitchenwithaswoonyhangover.Foronce,I'mthankfulforalazysnowday.

Katsitsatthecounterwithherheadinherhandsasthoughshehasahangover,ofthealcoholic

variety.

"Roughnight?"Iask.

Shesmiles,thewhitesofhereyesmoreofarosépink—herpreferredbeverage.Herlipsliftintoasly

smilewiththeresidueofmatchinglipstick.

"Somethinglikethat.You?"

"Iseedimples,"shesayswhenIanswerwithasmile.

"Howaboutagreensmoothie?Wouldthatcurewhatailsyou?"

Shenodsandthengroans.

Iworkinsilence,mymindseveralblocksaway,cravingchocolatecreampieonaforkheldbyahand

belongingtoaveryhandsomeandromanticMarine.Imechanicallydumpproduceinthehigh-speed
blender,listeningforthegrowlIheardwhenwekissedabovethebuzzofthemotor.Iheatthefryingpan
andthencrackafeweggs,preparingKatanourishingbeverageandagreasybreakfast.Themeltedbuttery
scenttransportsmebacktothediner.

"HowwasyourdatewiththeBookBoyfriend,whatwashisname?Tristen?"shemumbleswhenIset

hermealonthecounter.

"HaveyoueverheardofChester'sBunsandShakes?"IgoontotellherabouttheunfortunateroleI

playedinTristen'sill-conceivedquesttogetbackhisgirlfriendormakeherjealous,I'mnotreallysure.

"Areyoukiddingme?"Herforkclattersontotheplate.

"Andhesmokes.Ithink.Thoughthatcouldhavebeenalietoo."IexplainhowIowethebookstore

aboutahundreddollarswithnothankstohim.

"I'mnotsurewhowasworse,himorBash."

"Justprovesmytheoryaboutmen,"Ibark.

"Notallmen,"shepurrs.

No,Isupposenot.Forgetdogs.Carrickislikealion.AndI'makitteninhispaws."Meow."

"Whatwasthat?"sheasks.

"Nothing."Didn'tmeanforthattoslipout.

Kathidesaprivatesmile.I'msureI'llgetthedirtabouther"roughnight"assoonasherheadclears.

"IhavegoodnewsaboutOmar,"shesays,perkingupafterslurpingdownthegreenconcoction."It's

notyouit'shim."

"That'swhattheyalwayssay."Notthatitmattersatthispoint.

"NotonlyisOmaragymstud,basicallythetotalpackage,theguyofeverygirl'sdreams…"

Inod."Agentlegiant,strong,kissablelips,generous,kind…ShallIgoon?"Iask,listinghismany

attributes."Heisanexceptiontomytheory.Buthejustwasn'tintome."

"Andhe'sgay."

"What?"

"Tyrellconfidedinme.HesaidOmarfeltsobadaboutyourdate,butwasn'treallyreadytotalkabout

it."

"That'sso,strangely,complicatedlysweet."

"Butthisdoesn'thelpthematterofyourValentine'sDaydate."

"Nope,theywerealldudsonewayoranother."

"Spencer?"sheaskshervoiceraisinganoctave.

"No,buthe'snotreallydatingmaterial.He'slikeyou."

HereyesfalltoherplateandIwonderifthesmoothiewastoomuchtoosoon.

"Kat,theyallhaveturnoffs:serialbooty-caller,drugaddictanddealer—"

"Butagreatcookandyoulikedhisdog,DudeTaco."

"Iliketacosasmuchasthenextgal,butthatshouldhavebeenasign.WhonamestheirdogDude

Taco?"Iask.

"WhonamestheirkidBash?"

Welaugh.

"NowitturnsoutOmar'sgay,whichisgreat,forhim.I'msurehe'smakingthehomosexualworldvery

happywithhisgoodlooksandextremelywonderfuleverything.It'stoobadmypotentialbookish

boyfriendturnedouttobeatoad,notthekindthatwhenkissedwillturnintoaprince."

"Noneofthemgaveyouthelook,huh."

"Thesexy-smolder?"Iaskpointedly."Thestarethatshouldmakemykneesweak?ThathotI'vegotmy

eyesonyouandonlyyoulazygaze?Theonethatreacheshislipswithasuggestivelickorbite?"My
breathcatcheswhenCarrick'simagepopsintomymindandlikeusual,Ilookaway.

Katsmirks."Iseeyougetitnow."

"I'vebeenreadingandnope.Stillohforzeroonthelook,"Isay,gazingoutthewindow.

Katyaliftshereyestomine,studyingme,orperhapstryingdesperatelynottobesick.Iboltfrommy

stoolatthecenterislandtoretrieveabarfbowlwhenshegrabsmebythesleeve.

"Waitaminute,"shetapsherchin."There'ssomethingelse."

Theresureis.Ihesitate.

Shegetstoherfeet,circlingme,lookingmeupanddown."Holdon…"Shepausessowe'refaceto

faceagain,hereyesflittingfromminetomycheeks,andthentomylips."NavyCatherineCarrington,you
havebeenkissed."

Myfingersflytomylips.Aretheyswollen?Isthereascarletbrand?DidImouththewordswithout

realizingit?Iswallow.

"WheredidyougoafteryouleftShakesandBuns?"

"BunsandShakes."

"Whatever.Where?"

"Adiner."

"Whatdidyouhave?"sheasks.Herexpressionisaccusatorylikealawyerquestioningthedefendant.

"Pie."

"Whatelse?"

"Coffee."

"And?"

"Carrick."Iclapmyhandovermymouth,concealingmydimpledsmile.

Hereyeswiden.

"That'snotwhatImeant.Wemetup.Wehadpie.Wehadcoffee.Wetalked."

"Whatelse?"

Ihidemeeyesbehindmyhands."Wekissed."

SheletsoutasoundI'mnotsurehowtodescribeandcouldcertainlyneverreplicate:ayelpmixed

withawhoop,combinedwithshock,joy,andcuriosity.

Icovermyears.

"Iknewit.Iknew,"shesays,paradingthroughthekitchen.

"Thatwasaquickrecovery,"Isay.

"Andyourswasslow,butyoudidit,Navy.Youhealed."Shegripsmyarmsandsortofhugsand

shakesme.

"Idon'tknowaboutthat,"Ihedge.

"YouredeemedthenightwithCarrickandyourestoredyourfaithinmen.Well,oneman,twoifyou

countOmar,eventhoughhe'sgay."

"Spencerwasn'tbad."

"No,Spencerwasgood."Hercheeksflame.

ThistimeIgivehertheinterrogativestare."Spill."

Herlipsremainsealedshut.

"Catgotyourtongue?Usuallyyou'resoforthcomingwithtalesofyourtrysts,"Itease.

"Trysts?"sheaskswithagiggle.

Ishrug."Itworksinfiction."

"Well,inreallifeitwasjustahookup."Herslowturnwithsleepyeyestowardthedoorsuggests

otherwise.

"Well…"Iask,waitingforhertoexplodewithdetailsbecausethat'swhatshedoes.

"Well,what?"sheasks.

"Katya,whathappened?"Iask.

"You'renotmad?Imean,Ifiguredtherehadtobeastatuteoflimitationsonthatkindofthing."

"No,Spencerwasfun,butyouknowme,hopelessromanticoverhere,"Isay,thumbingmyself.

"Swan,pigeon,whatever."

Sheexhales."Idon'tknowhowyoustayinandhangout,justreadingforhours…Iwasboredlast

nightandthoughtmaybewecould,youknow,"shetwirlsapieceofhair,"amuseeachother.AndIhadto
findoutifhewasthetotalpackage."

"IthoughtwedecidedOmarwas."

"He'sgay!"sheexclaims.

"Right.So,washethe—?"

"First,let'stalkabouthispackage…"

I'monlyhalflisteningbecauseit'sstrangeandslightlyuncomfortabletohearhertalkingabout

someoneI'vebeenwith.MymindflitstoCarrick.Thewayhiswarmfingersgrazedmychillyskin.The

wayhislipsdippedagainstmineasgentleasawhisper.Thewaymyheartpoundedinanswer.Howa
kissturnedintohunger,intousbreathingeachotherinsteadofoxygen,intothesimplemovementoftwo
mouthsprovidingallofourbodilyneeds.

"EarthtoNavy?"Shecluckshertongue."Nooneisperfect,butSpencerisdeliciouslyclose.He

makesmefeelalittledrunk.AndnotbecauseIwasdrinkingwine."

"You'reokaywithbootycalls?"Iask.

Herhesitationislongenoughformetowonder,butthenshesays,"WhataboutCarrick.He'spretty

perfect.Andpretty,inamasculine,Marine-like,all-mankindofway."

Beyondthewindow,thesnowcontinuestofall,blanketingtheworldinwinterwhite.

"Hehasflaws."Hedefinitelyhasflaws.

"Butyoucanoverlookthem.There'snosuchthingasprincecharming.He'samyth.You'refinding

somethingwrongwithalloftheguys.You'rescared."

Ibrushafewcrumbsfrombreakfastintomyhand."Iam.It'strue,buteventhoughtheremightnotbe

theperfectguy,therehastobetheperfectguyforme."

Kattakesmyhand."You'reright,you'redefinitelyright.Andit'sbestnottosettle,but,"sheinhales,

"it'salsogoodtoforgive."

Thesilencethatfollowsisn'tawkward,butthoughtful,withmethinkingaboutCarrick.Andmaybe,

justmaybeKat'sthinkingaboutthepossibilityofarelationshipofherown,atleastsomeday.

"Sowhatarewegoingtodoallday,shutupwithBlizzardBobragingoutside?"

Ilooklonginglyatthestackofbooksonthecounter.

Shetugsatherhairandgazesattheceilingindesperation.

"BlizzardBob?"Iask.

"That'swhatSpencersaidthemeteorologistsarecallingit."

"Hmm.Spencer,huh?"Isay,glancingpointedlytowardthedoor.

Sheignoresme."You'regoingtoread?"sheasks."MaybeheandIcanwatchamovieandchill."She

bitesherlip.

"He'stotallythechillingtype,"Isaysuggestively.

KatcacklesonherwaytoshowerwhileIcleanupthekitchen,notatallopposedtoadayloungingon

thecouch,reading,watchingamovie,catchinguponmyblog,andcheckinginwithUBossallwiththe
backdropofthesparklysceneoutthewindow,quiltingthecityinasnowyhush.

*

ThemaincharacterinmybookSweetiePiesandQueenBeesmakesbaddecisionafterlousychoice.

Shehasmefrustratedanddisappointedandmorethanonce,Iwanttothrowthebookacrosstheroomor
sitherdownandtalktoher.

LoveLettersbyC.K.Flynn,restingonthetable,seemstoglitterandflash.Iturnbacktomybookand

readanotherpage,givingthemaincharacterasecondchance.However,shegoesbacktohercrappy
boyfriend,who'sadespicablecheater.IglanceatLoveLettersagain.

"Oh,fine,"Isay,tossingdownSweetiePiesandpickingupLoveLetters,"Onechapter."

TwochaptersinandI'maboutaparagraphawayfromdoodlingC+N4Everinthemargin.Icanhear

himnarratingthetextinhishusky,sexyvoice.Afterafewmorechapters,Ilosetrackoftimeandplace
whenKatbrushesin,hercheeksflushedandherhairmussed.

Itearmyselfawayfromthepage.

Shebitesherlip,gazesattheceiling,andsays,"He'sdefinitelythetotalpackage."

Iraiseaneyebrow."Thenwhatareyoudoingbackhere?"

"Igotoverwhelmed,"shesays."Imeantired.We…Itwas…I—"

"You'reflustered,"Isay,sittingup.

Shedoesn'tdenyit."Wewatchedareallygreatmovie.I'mgoingbackovertowatchanotheronesoon.

Ijustdidn'twantyoutogetlonelyoverhereallbyyourself."

"Movies?Isthatwhatyou'recallingfunnow?"Iask,sensingshe'shavingsexalongwiththestartof

feelings,emotions…Katya!"Andyoudon'thavetoworryaboutme.I'mhangingoutwithC.K.Flynnand
hischaracters,"Isay,wagglingthebookather.

"C.K.Flynnand,"shelooksatthecoverofthebook,"isafictionalauthorandthosearepaper

people."

Istickmytongueoutather.

"I'lljustsithereandremindyouthathumanityexistsoutsideyourbookishworld."

Ireturntomypage.

Shemumbles,"Itmustbeareallygoodbook."

IignoreherbecauseI'mdesperatetofindoutifthemaincharacterfindsthethirdletter,whichwas

lostinthemail.

Katreadsovermyshoulderandthenfansherself."Wow,hotscene."Sheasks,"Whowritesthis

stuff?"Sheflickstothecover."Ohright,C.K.Flynn."

"CarrickFlynnKennely,"Isaywithouttearingmyeyesfromthepage.

"ButthatwouldbeC.F…."shetakesadeliberatepause."Wait,you'renotkiddingareyou?"

Ishakemyhead.

"Carrick,thetall,dashing,muscledMarineisaromanceauthor?"

"Yup."

"SoCarrickisyouractualbookboyfriend."

"No,he'snotmyboyfriend.He'snotevenmyfriend.He'ssomethingelse."

"Ifbysomethingelseyoumeanasexybeastwhoyouwanttosexup—"

"Katya,"Isay.

Sheholdsherhandsupininnocence."Iwasjustreadingoveryourshoulder.Thatsceneishot.I

imagineifhecanwritewithsuchburningdetail…"

Ishootherabitchbrow.

"Ooh.You'regettinggoodatthat."

"Andyou'rejusthorny.Whydon'tyougobackovertoSpencer's?"

Hersighisfluttery."Well,youdon'thavetotwistmyarm."

IsettleinforafewmorechaptersofromanceinRome,hardlybelievingCarrickwrotewithsuch

compellingintensity.IhardlynoticingKatyasingingintheotherroom.

Thenthebooktakesaturn.Afteraminorriftintheirfriendship,themaincharacterandthelove

interestfinallyhavetheirmoment—asexy,blissfullybigone—butthenheleaveshertostrugglethrougha
crisisonherown.Myeyesflickfromwordtoword,sentencetosentence.Iseemyselfinthemain
character,OliviaandCarrickinXavier.Iseeusinthestory,andI'mhumiliatedalloveragain.

TearsIdon'twanttoshedstreamdownmycheeksandIsob,lamentingallthathappenedinthepast

andlastnight.Carrickisanasshole,abetrayingbastardmongrel.Hehadnorighttowriteaboutthis,even
ifhechangedthenamesandidentitiesofthoseinvolved.Isharethesamestingingguiltwiththemain
characterandthat'sallittooktoreadbetweenthelines.

Warmfingersgripmyhand."Navy,whatisit?What'swrong?"

ImeetKat'seyes,holdingmesteady,keepingmefromsinkingbackintothebrokenheartedvoidthat

nearlydismantledme.Theeyesbelongtomybestfriend,awomanwho'salwaysbeenhereforme.She
deservesthetruth.

Iinhale,chokingbackthecriesaswordsI'veneverspokenaloudorganizethemselvesonmytongue.

"IwasbestfriendswithClaire.Aftershedied,CarrickandIgotclose.Veryclose."

Katyawrapsherarmsaroundme.

"Wehadamoment.Well,morethanamoment.Itwaswrong.Itwasright."Ilostmyvirginityand

somethingIcannevergetback.Trust.Buthegavemesomethingtoo.TheconfirmationthatIcan'ttrust
guys,atleasttheonesthataren'ttheloveinterestsinbooks.Ialsocameawaywithaburningdesireto
kisshimonthelipsandpunchhiminthemouth.

Chapter30

Carrick

ThismorningIwoketoBlizzardBobragingoutsideandmyheartmeltedbyagirlwhoI'dfrozenin

time,keepingherinthepastsoIdidn'thavetodealwithmyfears.

Ipullonmyboots,coat,andhat,headingoutsidetowalkmywaytothetruth.First,Ineedto

summoncouragetoemboldenmetobelievethebestispossiblebecauseasusual,Ifeartheworst.She
mightrejectme.Shemighttellmeshehatesmeandneverwantstoseemeagain.Shemightsaywe
shouldgoourseparateways.Shealreadyhas.Ihavetobeokaywithallofthosepossibilities,butthe
hopebrighteninginsidemesincethatfirstencountermakesmefearIwon'tbeabletohandleanything
otherthanayes.

Therumblingplowtruckscreatefurrowedwallswheretheedgesofthesidewalksshouldbe.The

shushingofthesnowandthescrapeoftheplowbladesaretheonlysoundsagainstthestillnessofthe
city.Ibreathedeep,welcomingthepeacesothatIcanthink.

Itakealaparoundthepark,ignoringmycoldtoesandfrigidfingers.AllIneedarewords.

Anoldermaninafurcapwithearflapsshovelsthesidewalkinfrontofhiscafé.

"Areyouopen?"Iask.

"Inthis?Ha!ThisiswhatwecallaregularSaturdaybackhome,"hesaysinaccentedEnglish.

Iorderacoffee,atea,andselectafewpastriesfromthecase.

"Youaregoodnottoletalittlebitofsnowstopyoufromleavingyourapartmentandcarryingon

withyourday,"hesays,handingmethepaperbag."Peoplecan'thandlesnow.Thisisnothing.Alittle
storm.Theyshutdown,closeup,andlockthemselvesinsidetheirhouses.Everyonethinks,'Snowday!
Saveme!'"Hepullstheflapsdownaroundhisearsandmockcowers,freakingoutatthefirstflake.

AsmileplaysaroundtheedgesofmylipsandIsay,"No,thisisSaturday."

Hesmilesappreciativelyandsalutesme."That'sright.Enjoyit."

"Iwill."Encouraged,Imarchbackintothesnow,intoSaturday,andbalancethepapercupsand

paperbaginonehand.Withtheother,Ipulloutmyphone.

Severalpalmsweatingringsin,Navyanswerswithastrained,"Hello."

"It'sSaturday,"Isay.

Thelineisquiet,andIworrytheconnectionispoorbecauseofthestorm.Ihastenpast

pleasantries."I'mwonderingifIcanstopby.Iwanttoaskyousomething.It'simportant."

Nervousstaticfillsmychestathersilence.

"Yeah.Ihavesomethingtosaytoyoutoo,"hervoiceisquiet,even.

"CanIcomeby?"

"Yeah."Thelinegoesdead.

Itellmyselfthere'snothingtoworryabout;it'saregularSaturday.Asnowy,raredayofpeacein

thecity.Despitewhattheoldguysaid,I'mgladeveryonestayedhome.

IbuzzNavy'sapartment,wipingmybootsonthemat.Icandothis.Aftereverythingthat'sgoneon,

Ioweusachance.Ilivewithenoughregretasitis,butI'llneverforgivemyselfifIdon'ttrytomake
thingsrightandseewhatcouldhappen.

AsImakemywaydownthehall,dogsyapfrombehindacloseddoorandherroommateknockson

7G.

Hereyesnarrowatmyapproachandshedoesn'tsmile.

Icontinuetotheirapartmentandknocklightlyonthedoor.Whenitopens,Ispreadmyarmstohug

Navy,butsheturnsandleavesmehanging.Iclosethedoorbehindme.

"Don'tbothertakingoffyourcoat,"shesays.

"Areyouokay?Issomethingwrong?"Iask,hoping,butnotnecessarilyexpectinghertosayyesto

myquestion,butcertainlynotanticipatingsuchafrostyreception.

"Yes,Carrick.Somethingiswrong."Herarmsfoldacrossherchestandherfaceispinkandpuffy.

"Whathappened?"Iaskgently.

"Youhappened."

"Idon'tunderstand."

"Igottochapterseventeen,Carrick."

Myfaceliftsintoasmile."You'rereadingLoveLetters?"

Shechucksthebookatme."Ireadenough."

Ifumble,butmanagetocatchit."Youdon'tlikeit—?"

"No,Carrick,Ihateit.AndIhateyou."Hereyesblazeandthewordsburnaholeinmyheart.

"What?Idon't—"Ichokeout.

"Idon’tappreciatebeinghumiliatedalloveragain.Oncewasenough,thankyou."

"Humiliated?"Myshotatredemptionslipsbetweenmyfingers.

"Carrick,whenyoucamehomeforClaire'sfuneral—"Sheswallowswhatlookslikeabittertaste.

"Andwewerebothsoupset.IapologizedforhoweverythingwentwithyouandZach."

"Andthenlaterthatnightwemetonthebeachandyoutoldmehowsometimestragedymakesus

realizeimportantthings—"

"AndIconfessedhowmuchIcaredaboutyou,howI'dalwayscaredaboutyou."

"Youshowedmeexactlyhowmuchyoucaredbymakinglovetomeunderthemoonandthen—"

"IleftbecauseIwasjoinedtheMarinesand…spendingthesummerthere,backhome,Icouldn'tdo

it.Iwantedtoforgeteverythingthathappened."

"Evenme,"shesaysinasmallvoice.

Iwanttoholdhersobadlyrightnow,butwehaveouradversarialarmoron."No,Ifreakedout.I

couldn'tdealwithbeingaroundmyfamily,dealingwiththeguiltabouthowIshouldhaveknocked
senseintoClaire'sboyfriendwhenIhadthechance."Iscrubmyhandsdownmyface."Notaday
passeswhenIdon'twishIcouldpunchthatfuckerintheface."

"Ijustcallhimasshole,"shewhispers.

"Hecan'thearyou.He'sdead."

"Exactly.Andsoisthepast."

Ifearshemeansus.

"Youleftmetodealwithitallonmyown,Carrick."

"Butwhataboutnow?Thefuture?"

"Youruineditwhenyouleftwithout—Iwaitedforyou.Ishouldn'thavetrustedyou.Havingsexon

thenightofthefuneralshouldhavebeenahugeredflag."

Herecomesthetruth,theoneaMarineshouldn'tbeafraidtoadmit.Isetthebookdownand

inhale."Igotscared,Navy."Isinkontothestoolinthekitchen."Iwasafraidofwhatwouldhappento
youifIdidn'tcomeback.You'dalreadyexperiencedthelossofyourbestfriend.WhatifIdidn'tmake
it?WhatifI'dtoldyouIlovedyouandthendiedinabombingorwasshot?"Myeyesburn.Hersare
wet.

"Carrick,atleastifyou'dtoldmethatIwouldhaveknowninsteadofbeingleftwithquestionsthat

chippedawayatmyheart,breakingitbitbybit.Anditwaswrongwhatwedid.Youleavingwas
punishmentforbetrayingClaire.WhenwemadeTheBoyfriendBookshetoldmeweshouldhookup."
Sheshakesherhead."ItoldherI'dnevereverhookupwithyou.Ipromisedher.Iamtheonewho
brokeapromise."

"PleasebelievemewhenIsay,Ididn'tregretorfeelguiltoverthenightwespenttogether.Claire

usedtoteasemeaboutthecrushIhadonyou.Shewantedustobetogether."

Theacheinherfaceflashestosurprise.

"Shealwaysthoughtwe'dbeperfecttogether.Sheeventriedandfailedtogetmetoaskyouout,

butIknewZachlikedyouandIwas—itallcomesdowntofearwhichisadifficultthingformeto
admit."

"Whydidn’tanyonetellanyoneanything?Ifeltthesameway."Sheshakesanotebookinherhand.

Inbubblyletters,Irecognizeasmysister'swriting,thecoversaysTheBoyfriendBook.

Itoethewoodfloorwithmyboot."Youcouldhavetoldme."

"No,Icouldn'thave."Hervoiceisawhisper."Iwasafraidtoo.Terrifiedyoumightnotfeelthe

sameway.Andthentherewasthetall,gorgeous,blondcheerleaderandthegirlonmyfieldhockey
team,theredheadthatalwaysbroughtyoulunch,thegirlwiththeterriblelaugh…"

Ishakemyhead.

"AndZach,yourbestfriend.AndClaire,Ididn'twantanythingtocomebetweenourfriendship,but

intheend,everythingfellapartanyway,notinthewayIfeared,butmuch,muchworse."

"I'msosorry,Navy."

"Iamtoo.SorryfortheguiltI'vefeltforhavingsexwithyouonthenightofmybestfriend's

funeral.I'msorryfortheachingheartI'vecarriedaround,wonderingwhyyouwalkedoutonme.And
I'mreally,reallysorrytosay,Iwantyoutogoaway.Idon'twanttoseeyouagain."

Iwanttoaskherwhyshe'ssorry,butthenthelastwordscatchupwithme."Can'twetalknow?"

"Weweretalking.I'mdonewithwords."

Irally."ButI'mnot.Youonlyreachedchapterseventeen.There'smoretogo.Theendingisthe

beginning."

Sheshakesherhead."I'vebeenembarrassedenoughandI'msorryI'vewastedsomuchtime,

energy,andtearsonsomeonesoinsensitive."Shestepsclosertome,hereyesflamingwithanger.She
stabsthescarandtattooonchestandsays,"CarrickKennely,lastnightIfooledmyselfintothinking
youweretheone,butyoujustbrokemyheartalloveragain."

Icaptureherfinger,twiningmyfingersthroughhers,tryingtofindstillnessamidstthisfight.The

brushofmyskinonherssendsahotthrillthroughmejustlikeitdidwhenwe'dsecretlyholdhandsin
mydarklivingroomwatchingmovies.Justlikeitdidwhenwewereatthecouple'syogaclass.Just
likeitalwayshas.OureyesmeetandthesoftnessIseefanstheflameofhope.

Ipulltheenvelopeoutofmyjacketandpassittoher."I'mtryingtobebrave,Navy.Idon'twant

thistobegoodbye.I'llonlyleavethistimeifyoutrulywantmeto.Otherwise,I'llstayhere,withyou
inyourapartmentorfaraway,inRomeorwhereveryouwanttogountilyoutrustmeagain,untilI
haveproventoyouthatthedepthofmyfeelingsforyougoesbackyearsandyears.ThatI'mnolonger
afraidofwhatourfamiliesmightthinkorofhurtingyou.Ialreadyhaveandthepainofthatformeis
whatI'vecarriedallthistime.Itriedtowriteitoutwithaplottwist.Ithoughtyou'dseethat.Theonly
thingworsethantakingachanceandfailingislivingwiththeregretofnothavingtried.Iwanttotry
withyou,Navy.Please."

Withoutopeningtheenvelope,shecrumplesitinherfistandsays,"Thisisgoodbye,Carrick.

Leave."Thefinalityofherwordskeepsmegluedtothestool.I'mafighter.Idon'twanttolethergo.I
sittherewhenthedoorslamstoherbedroom.I'mstillseatedwhenherroommatereturns,hercheeks
blazingandwearingthekindofsmileI'veonlyseenonNavy'slipsonce.

Ialreadymissthatfuckingdimple.

Chapter31

TheHorizon

Icryuntilthesnowstops.IcryuntilKatyafindsmeinaball,clutchingacrumbledenvelope.Icry

untilI'moutoftears.

Shebundlesmeupandscuttlesmetothetrainstation.Istareoutthewindowastheroughwaterofthe

LongIslandSoundappearsandthendisappearsbehindsnowbanksandthebacksofcoastaltowns.

Mymindisasblankasthegraysky.Ifeelwashedofcolor,empty.

Acarwaitsforme,ferryingmetotheCape.

IspendseveraldaysshroudedinsilenceasthoughIleftmyvoiceinthekitchenwithCarrick,

assaultinghimwithvirulenthateandcontempt.AfterwhatIreadinthebook,Ican'timaginehowmany
otherpeoplesawmystoryinhiswords.HeclaimsnevertohavetoldanyoneheauthoredLoveLetters,
butthere'snoreasonformetobelievehim.

Myroomsmellslikesalt-airandthesubtle,nose-tinglingresidueofhairsprayandperfume.Mysheets

areclean,mypillowfluffed.Katyamusthavecalledaheadtotellmymotherthatmycompleteandutter
failureatlifewascomplete.

Mybedroomdoorcreaksopen.Aplastictrayclinksonthewoodensurfaceofmydesk.Thecurtains

whooshopen,andIsquishmyeyestighter.Themattressshifts.Mymotherstrokesmyarm.

"It'stimetogetup,Navydear."

Imumblesomethingalongthelinesofno,leavemealone-I'mnevergettingup-Ifailedatlifeand

can'tfacemyself.

"Iunderstandyou'resad,butit'snearlybeenaweekandtodayisValentine'sDay.You'vespentenough

timealone,holedupinhere."

Geethanks,whatagentlereminder.

"Katyamentionedyou'dbeengoingonsomedates,butthenhadafallingoutwithanoldfriendafterhe

toldyousomethingimportant."Iimaginethestringofpearlsbobbingonherneckassheswallows."Do
youwanttotalkaboutit?"

Ishakemyhead,mashingitintothepillow.Idon'twanttotalkorthinkaboutit,butit'sallIcando,

goingoverthebattlegroundandinspectingthecasualtiesuntilmymindhasturnedtomush.

"Listen,"shestarts,butthedoorslamsintothespringedstopperfixedtothetrim.

Asolid,mountainousfigurestompsin.MysheetswhooshoffmeandIflinch,tuckingmylegstomy

chest.

"Honey,yousaidfifteenminutes.It'sonlybeenten,"mymothersays.

Irollover,confusedatmyfather'spresenceonaweekdayafternoon.

"Enoughisenough.Younglady,Ithinkyou'llagreethatsinceyoucamebackhereyoustillconsiderus

yourparentsandassuch,Iexpectyourobedience.Icommandyougettoyourfeet."

Irockettosittingandmymotherpressesgentlyonmyshoulder."Honey,Idon'tthinkthisisthetimeto

upsetNavy."

"No,clearlyshe'salreadydonethattoherself."

"Don’tbeinsensitive,dear,"mymomsays.

"I'mnotoneofyourpettyofficers,"Ihiss.

"No,you'remydaughterandIexpectyoutogetdressedandreportdownstairsintenminutes."He

stompsdownthehall.

Mymothershrugsdelicatelyandwhispers,"Ithinkit'ssafetosayhemeansfive."

Ibegrudginglygetdressed,brushmyteeth,tiemyhairintoaknotontopofmyhead,andgo

downstairs.

ThenightIgothomewasablur,butmyparentshadthekitchenremodeledandsomethingfurrytickles

myankle.

"That'ssailor,"mymomsays,pickingupthecavalierKingCharlesspanielpuppy.

"Yougotadog?"

"Yourfatherbroughthimhome."

HewagshistailandIlethimsniffmyhand.

"Dear,don'tfurrowyourbrow,you'llgetwrinkles,"mymotherwarns."Hemissesyou."

"I'venevermethim,"Isay.

"Notthedog,you.Yourfathermissesyou."

"Hereplacedmewithapuppy?"

"No,hejustneededsomeonetoorderaround."Hersmilehintsthatshe'sjoking.

"He'swaitingforyouinthecar."

"Wherearewegoing?"

Hertight-lippedshrugtellsmesheknowsexactlywherehe'stakingme.Towalktheplank?Backto

thetrainstation?ToNavybootcamp,toshapemeintothesonhealwayswanted?

IharrumphoutsidetofindhimwarminguptheSUV.He'ssilentashewindsdownourlongdriveway

towardtown.

"Wherearewegoing?"Iask,butthenhepullsintotheall-Americanrestauranthe'dtakemetothe

secondnighthewasonleave.Thefirstnightmymotherwouldmakeabighomecookeddinnerandthen
he'dsleepofftherockingofthesea.Thesecondnighthe'dtakemeforpizzaandicecreamandnomatter

theweatherwe'dwalkalongthewater.Then,exhaustedI'dpassoutbackhomeandheandmymother
wouldstayuplateintothenighttalkinganddancing.IonlyknowthisbecauseoncewhenIwaseight,I
hadastomachacheandcouldn'tfallasleep.Iwentouttotellthem,butjustsatonthestairs,watchingthem
waltztoasoftlyplayingrecord.Fromthenon,whenmydadwouldreturnhome,onthatsecondnightI'd
dowhateverIcouldtokeepawakeandwatchtheirlovestoryunfoldinlittleshufflesfromsidetoside,
mymother'sheadonmyfather'schest,theirhandsclasped,andthemusiclikealullaby.

Weeatourslicesofcheesepizzaanddrinkourplasticcupsofrootbeerinsilence.Afterhepays,he

leadsmetothebeach.Thewavesgentlylaptheshoreatlowtide,exposingthespinesofrocksand
droopingseaweed.Helooksouttosea,asifheseesshipsalongthehorizon.JustashedidwhenIwasa
littlegirlheasks,"Doyousee?"

Ishakemyhead.Likealways,thereisonlyaflatline,muchliketheformmylifehastaken.

Hecontinuestowatch,hiseyeslongusedtospottingripplesandwrinklesonthesmoothsheenof

ocean.

Heliftshislarge,meatyarmandpointstowardaflashoflightlikeamirrorinthesun.

Ifocus,scanningthewater,andIdoseeabumpontheslimlinebetweenseaandsky.

Hesmilesatmeandwecontinuewalking.

Iaskhimaboutthedog.

"She'sagoodgirl.Obedient.Eagertoplease.Shelikesthewater.That'sagoodthing."Hisclipped

sentencesremindmehe'snotabigtalker.Hesipstheremainsofhissodaandthensays,"Youhavethose
qualitiestoo,Navy."

"Areyoucomparingmetoyourdog?"AndhereIthoughtmenweredogs.Shameonme.

"Iam,butnotforthereasonsyouthink.Adog,asIunderstandit,wantstoloveandbeloved.AmI

right?"

Inod.

"Andyou,asIunderstandit,wanttoloveandbeloved."

"Yeah,butI'mnotadog."

"No,you'reabeautifulyoungwoman,fullofpotential,fullofheart.Andloveiswhatweallwantand

need."

Myeyebrowsliftinquestion.

"Yes,evenoldguyslikemewho'vespentmoretimeonsteelshipsaroundboysandmen,protecting

ourcountry'sfreedomthanwithwomenandconsideringwhatitmeanstowarmtheheart."

Wewalkafewmorepaces,leavingsquishyfootprintsinthesand."Whendidyouknowyouloved

mom?"

Heleansin."Thismightsoundvery,verystrange,especiallycomingfromme."

Istopwalkingbecausemyfather,stiffupperlip,order,andallbusinessallthetimehasneversaid

anythingevenremotelystrange.

"Ialwayslovedher.IlovedherbeforeIknewher."

"Likeasoulmate?"Iask.

"Somethinglikethat.It'smyjobtousemymindtoknowmanythings:howtocommandafleetof

warshipsandeverydedicatedseamanandassholealikeonthem;howtonavigateenemywatersifour
communicationsaredown;howtostandproudandservemycountry;howtobeagoodhusbandand
father.Navy,I'mmeanttoknowmanythings,butnoteverything."He'squietabeat,thewatermatchingthe
cadenceofhisbreath."Forsomematters,it'sbesttolettheheartdotheknowing.Yourquestionwaswhen
didIknowIwasinlovewithyourmother?"

Inod.

"Iwasonleaveandwewentoutfordinnerandthendancing.Itwasaglamourousnightwithallofthe

womendressedingownsandusguysinourdressblues.We'donlybeenonseveraldates,buteachtimeI
wasatsea,I'dbethinkingofher."Heinhalesthesaltair."Herhandinmine.Thewayshefilledthespace
whenIdidn'tknowwhattosay.Howcomfortableshemademe.Howhappy..."Heexhales."I'dfalleninto
conversationwithafewoftheguysandlaterfoundherseated,alone,hereyesglassy.Myheartached
rightthen,seeingherupset.Shedidn'twanttotalkaboutwhatmadehercry."Heshrugs."Youknow,
women."

"I'llpretendyoudidn'tsaythat."

"What?I'vespentmoreofmylifeinthecompanyofmen.Femalesmystifyme.Butrightthen,Iknew

thatifIdidn'tdoeverythinginmypowertoalleviatewhateverwashurtingherheart,myownwouldache
sodeeplyIdon'tthinkI'dbeabletostandit."

"Sowhatdidyoudo?"

"Iappliedforanextension,gotafewmoredaysonshore.Iborrowedabuddy'sragtopconvertible,

wewentcruisingupanddowntheCape,stoppingatbeaches,swimming—skinnydipping—,"he
whispers."Wegottoknoweachother.Ilearnedwhatmadeherlaugh.Ifoundoutshelovesoysterseven
thoughIcan’tstomachthethings.Idiscoveredherrightfootisticklish,butnotherleft.Irealizedthenin
thosesimplemomentsoftimespenttogether,thatIlovedherandwasinlovewithher.Imadeitmy
mission,fromthenontonever,everseeherupsetlikeIhadatthatpartyagain.Imadeitmyjobtomake
herheartfeelhappyandfullineverywayIknowhow.Sure,I'vecomeupshortafewtimes,it'sabigjob
tokeepMinnieCarringtonhappy,andIimagineherdaughter,theequallydiminutive,butalsoveryfierce
equallyascontent.Ittakesabigmantofillthatrole.Ihaveafeelingthough,there'safellowoutthereup
forthejob."Hewinksatme.

"Whatupsethersomuchatthatparty?"Iask.

"ThatIwasleaving.Thatevenifweweremarriedforfiftyyears,fortherestofourlives,oneofus

wouldalwaysbeleaving."Hisvoicecracks.

Tearscrashlikewavesfrommyeyes.Iwrapmyarmsaroundhimandhesqueezesmeclose.

"That'slife,"hesays.

"Sowhatdoyoudo?"Iask.Myvoicebarelyregistersaboveawhisper.

"Youstay,foraslongasyoucan.Bepresentasmuchasyoucan.Youlovewitheverythingyou'vegot

whileyoucan."

Westandtherealittlelonger,oureyesfixedonthehorizon.Seagullswheelthroughthesky,cryingout

asmysaltytearsdripintothesea.

WhenwewalkbacktotheSUV,heasks,"So,haveyouseentheKennelyboylately?"

"Whichone.Therearefive."

"Youknowwhichone."

"DoI?"

"Iknowwhichone,"hesayspointedly.

"Yes.Ihave."

IspendthenexttwentyminutesrecappingthestoryandhowI'dalwayshadacrushonCarrick,which

heknew.

"Ididn'tthinkyounoticedthingslikethat."

"Icanseethoseshipsbeforethey'reabliponthehorizon;youthinkIcouldn'tspottheboywhoheld

mydaughter'sheart?"

"Butyouneversaidanything."

"No,mattersoftheheart,Ileavetotheheart."

Itellhimaboutthenightofthefuneral,sparingtheprivatedetails,andeverythingthathappenedsince.

"Lossmakesusdrawthosewecareaboutcloser.Idon'tblameyouforwantingtobewithhim."

"Butthenheleft.Inthestoryyoujusttold,youstayedwithMom.Ifhecaredaboutmeasmuchasyou

didforher,whydidheleave?"

"Ah,theonethatgetseventhemightiestofmenandwomenalike.Fear.I'llputhisMarine-asstothe

testifyouwantmeto."Mydadsmirks.

"Havehimwalktheplank."

"I'mnotapirate."

"No,you'remydad,"Isay,givinghimanotherhug.

"AndCarrickwasjustaboy.Isaidlossmakesusdrawthosewecareaboutcloser,butIwasalready

ontheboatwhenImademydecisiontogoback.Iswam,Navy.Ijumpedtheshipliterally.Granted,Ihad
permission,anditwasmoreofashowformylady—"

"Youjumped?"

"Rightintothebay.We'donlyjustpulledinthelines."Hetapsmeontheback."Andhecameback.A

littlelaterthanperhapsyouwouldhaveliked,butthattimeapartgaveyouperspective,achancetogrow,

andputdistancebetweentheotherstuffthathappenedwithZach—neverdidlikehim."

"But—"

"You'retryingtofigureouttheheart.Itcan'tbedone.Withallofmyexpertiseandtrainingand

knowledge,Isuggestyouleaveitasamystery.Listentoit,butdon'ttrytocommandit.Don'ttryto
understanditswhysandwherefores.Letitdoitsthing,keepyoualive,andleadyoutolove."

"Thatsoundslikepoetry."

"Ihavealotoftimeoutatsea."Hesmilesprivatelylikehe'swrittenhisownloveletterstomy

mother.

"Ijustcan'tstandtohavemyheartbroken."

Hechuckles."Noonecan.AsIseeit,theonlywaytofixitistoletitdowhatitdoes."

"Andwhat'sthat,ohsagebearerofwisdom,"Iask."Keepusalive?Leadmetolove?"

Henods."Yes,love.Thesimplestandmostcomplicatedthingaboutbeinghuman.HappyValentine's

Day.Now,howaboutsomeicecream?"

Ishiver."Okay,butsomewherewarm."

Whatmyfathersaidwasn'tstrangeatalleventhoughifhe'dsaidittomeatanyothertimeIwould

havewonderedifheneededtospendmoretimeonsolidground.What'smore,he'sthelastpersonIever
thoughtI'dtalktoaboutmattersoftheheart,butsomehowhealwaysseeswhat'sonthehorizon.

Myfather'sversionoftoughlove—rippingthebandage,orcoversasitwere—offme,gettingmeout

ofbedforpizza,andtheicecreamweateinfrontoftheroaringfireisnothingtomymother'sassignment.

Shesendsmetothebasement,presumablytoclearoutaspaceforwhenImovebackin.

"You'vehadtheseboxesdownhereforages.It'stimetocleanthemout.Makeapileofstuffyouwant

togetridofandthingsyouwanttokeep.Shehandsmealargetrashbagfortheformerandasmall
shoppingbagforthelatter.

Ipickthroughancientrelics:kindergartendrawings,projectsmadeoutofpastaandglue.Ifindold

quizzesandessays—itemsshesavedovertheyears.Iimagineshepickedthroughandheldontoafew
keepsakes,buttherest,evidenceofeighteenyearsofmylive,waitsformetorecycle.

Oneparticularartifactsendsmerockingbackonmyheelsandintoachair.Iholdastackofyellowed

paper,foldedtogetherandstapled.Thecoverisadrawingofaprincessandherprince.Thebookistitled
AndTheyLivedHappilyEverAfterbyHRHNavyCarringtonandHRHClaireKennely.

IpartthebrittlepagesandrecallthestoriesClaireandIwrotewhenwewerelittle,howwe'dfallin

lovewithaprince—shewasaphysicist,mostlybecauseshelikedsayingthewordandIwasaNobel
Prizewinnerfordoingaverybravedeedandwritingaboutit.Ican'trememberherprince'sname,butI
thinkhesatnexttomeandpickedhisnoseinMrs.Young'sclass.ButInevertoldherthat.Myprincewas
noneotherthanherbrother,Carrick.Sheinsisted.

Mybreathcatches.Sheclaimedhelovedmebutsaidshh,it'sasecretbecauseherbigbrotherwas

afraidandshyandnotveryprincely.ShesaidIcouldchangethat.

Ireadthestory,withbothofourhandwritingfillingthepagesandafewillustrationswithhilariously

disproportionatearmsandlegs,oversizedheads,andanabundanceofpinkruffledgowns.

Abouthalfwaythroughthebookitsays,CarrickisNavy'sonetruelove.NavyisCarrick'sonetrue

loveandtheonlythingthatwillcomebetweenthemisagreatwar!!!Clairewasfondofexclamation
points.

Isitbackonthecoldbasementfloor,clutchingthelittlebooktomychest.Maybemyfatherisright.

Lovejustisandalwayshasbeen.

Igettomyfeetandrushupstairstoanemptykitchen.Mymothermustbeoutwalkingthedog.Iread

therestofthestory,rememberingClaireinsistedtherebeaproblem.Shesaidthefairytaleswherethe
princessandprincejustfallinloveintheendaren'tasexcitingaswhentheyhavetoovercomean
obstacle.Ithumbthroughthepagesbutwenevergottothepastafire-breathingdragon,ahoardof
treasure,andawarbetweentwokingdomsthatwanteditforthemselves.Weneverworkedouthowtoget
themtotheirhappilyeverafter.

Ilovehim,Ilovehim,Ilovehim.Ihatehim,Ihatehim,Ihatehim.Oneisthetruth.OneisalieI've

beentellingmyselfforyears.

Ipulloutmyphone,readytocallKatya,whentheenvelopeCarrickgavemetheotherdaytumblesout

ofmybag.

Iflattenitandthentearitopen.InsideisaplanetickettoRomeandanotethatsays

Navy,

Iwantyoutoknowthatitwasyouwhobroughtmebackfromthebrink.Yourdimpledsmilewas

likeaflashoflightning,acrackofthunder,ananchorinthechaos.Isaidno,butnowIsayyes.Yesto
you,yestopossibility,yestous.

Youaremysun,mymoon,myheart,mybreath.You'retheonewhokeepsmealive.You'rethelast

personIthinkofbeforeIgotosleepandthefirstpersonIthinkaboutwhenIwakeup.I'mnevernot
thinkingofyou.Ilovedyoufifteenyearsago,tenyearsago,five,andyesterday.AndIwillloveyou
tomorrow.Youhavemyheart,thewholething,therestofmetoo,ifyouwant.Iwant.

Thisisn'tmyfirstlovelettertoyouanditwon'tbethelastbecausemorethananything,Iwantus

togetourhappilyeverafter.Pleasemeetme.Let'sgotoromanticRome.Pleasegivemeachanceto
showyouhowmuchIloveyou.

XO,

Carrick

Ilaugh.Icry.ItcomessohardIuglysobandsnort,notsurehowIfeelexceptoverwhelmedwithhope

thatthewarisfinallyover.

IhugmyparentsandgetonthenexttrainbacktoNewYorkCity.Asittravelssouth,Iopenafresh

documentonmylaptopandspendthenexthoursfinishingthestoryClaireandIstartedwritingallthose
yearsago.

WhenI'mdone,IgotomyblogandinsteadofwastingmytimeonwritinguptheABCsforTristen,I

write

TheBookBoyfriendturnedouttobeatoadandnotthekindthatturnsintoaprince.However,I

didfindmyprince.Well,apaperonewhoIrealizedhadbeenthereallalong.We'llcallhimmyOTP.
Onetruepairing.

Wemodernwomendon'treallyneedaprince,aknightinshiningarmor,aRomeo,oraMr.

Darcy,notnecessarily.Butit'sokaytoacceptthetruthofwhomwemightbe,todesireexamplesof
romantictropes,towanttofeeladoredanddesired.I'dbealiarifIsaidIdon'tlikeasurprise
bouquetofflowers.Itwouldbeafibtodenyasweetcomplimentdoesn'tmakemeblush.A
completeandutterfabricationifIdeniedthelittlethrillofatwinkling,smoldering,handsomepair
ofeyesonme.Youcouldn'ttrustmeifIclaimednottowantabookboyfriend.You'dleavethisblog
ifIsaidIdon'tlikechocolateorIdon'tlikesex.IwantandIlikeandneedalloftheabove.Ina
three-piecesuitandaftershaveduringtheweekandaperfectlyworninpairofjeans,ababy-softT-
shirt,barefeet,andtousledhairontheweekend.

ThegirlIreallyamwantsallofthesethings.I'vehidthetruthinthedarkest,mostfrightened

partsofmyheart—apartofmethatwantednothingmorethantoprotectmefromfurtherpain.It's
causedmetorenouncerelationships,dating,andsometimesevenmademethinkitwasagoodidea
toleavethehousedressedinwhatsomemightconsiderlessthanproperattire.(Andanyway,ifI'm
wearingaheavywinterjacket,noonecantellthatI'mwearingmypajamasunderneath.)

Loveisparadox.Loveiscontrast.Loveiscomplicated.Idon'tunderstandit,myOTP,ormyself

anybetterthanthenextcouple,butit'suptometoownwhoIamwithoutapology.

It'suptous.Wecanbemodernandempowered,yetwantourfeetrubbedbyaprinceattheend

oftheday.WecanwantourindependenceandarelationshipwithamodernRomeo.Wecanbe
fiercewarriorsinthehomeandworkplaceandputonlipstickandasexyskirtwiththeslitupthe
sideforourguy.Wantingandhavingbothdoesn'tdiminishtheworkweandoursistershavedoneto
promote,empower,andgainrespectforwomen.Infact,thegreatestthingwecandoforourselves
andoursistersisbehonestaboutourdesires,tolayclaimtothem,andbethetruestversionofwho
weare.

Today,thatmeansagirlgoingafterherguy,takingarisk,andbeingcompletelyhonestand

vulnerable.

Mybestfriendhadatheorythatpeoplearelikebirds.Ihadatheorythatmenarelikedogs.

Nope.We'rejustpeople.Messy,complicated,bighearted,tremendouspeople.Thiswholethinggot
startedwithadiscussionaboutOTPsatahousewarmingpartyanditturnedintoadare,butthe
thingIknowaboutmyonetruepairingisthatitstartedlongbeforethatpartyandI'monmywayto
seehowitgoes.Wishmeluck.

I'llbesigningofffornow,butyoucanbesure,whateverhappens,whetherheismyOTPorit

doesn’tworkoutandIturnbacktomypaperbackboyfriends,I'llkeepreadingandbelievingin
love.Ihopeyoudo,too.

Ipresspublishandleanback,butbeforeIgettoocomfortable,Irememberthereareothersrelyingon

me.IopenuptheUBosschat.

Theprogramisover,butmembershavelifetimeaccesstothematerial,modules,andthechat.There

areonlythreeavatarslitup,indicatingthecurrentusers,includingMelodyMiles.

SheinstantlywritesNavybean!Whereyabeen?

Iinhaleandbegintyping.I'vebeenexploringlivingmoreandbeingthebossofmylife.There

weretimesIwantedtoturnback,giveup,andletsomeoneelsetakethewheel.ButIcouldn'tlet
myselforanyofyoudown.

IcametoUBosswhenIwasfeelingstuck,lackingpurpose—thosebigdreamsthateveryoneis

supposedtohave.IcameherebecauseIwasdonehidingandlivingasmall,hiddenlifebehindthe
safetyoffiction.

Confession:Ididn'tdoallofthemodules.Ididn'tparticipateinallofthetasks.AndforadayI

hatedMimiBoss.ButImetallofyouunicorns.Youhelpedmefindthecouragetobeokaywithwho
Iam,withnotknowingmypurpose,andatthesametime,steppingoutofmycomfortzoneinto
whomeverandwhateverthatis:abrave,red-lipstick-wearingwomanwholovesbooks,friends,
family,theocean,romance,Valentine'sDay,andallofyou.

I'mnotentirelysurewhatcomesnextforme,otherthanquitepossiblyatripoverseas.Maybe

I'llfindmybigpurposethere,thecreativethingthatlightsmeupanddrivesmypassion.Maybenot.
WhateverIdo,I'llkeeplivingmore,keeplovingmyself,andcreatingafunlifeIloveliving.I'mnot
goingtowaitaroundforgreatthingstohappen,I'mgoingtocreatethem.Thankyouforbeingon
thisadventurewithme.Iwishyouallthebest.Love,Navybean.

Ikindoffeellikeit'sthelastdayofcamporschool,likeI'msayinggoodbye,knowingdespitethebest

intentionswewon'tstayintouch.Butmaybewe'llcrosspathssomeday.I'llseeMelodyMileseatinga
grilledcheese,playingthepiano,orwowingtheworldwithheruniquestyle.PerhapsI'llbeatabook
conferenceandmeetaladynamedDaisywhomentionsherloveforTheDukesofHazard.IfKatgets
marriedinBali,maybeI'llfindShellsXOXonthebeach.Whoknowswherelifewillleadus.Ourpaths
mayintersectagainifwekeeplivingmore.

Lastly,IdialMr.Bouche'smainline.Therecordedvoiceofanassistantthatprobablyhadmoresense

thanmerequeststhatcallersleaveamessage.

"Hi,Mr.Douche,sorryfortheshortnotice.Actually,notreally,butyou'llhavetofindsomeoneelse

togetyourtriple,venti,soy,notsweet,nofoam,latte.Iquit."Iwon'tbegettingapositive
recommendationfromthefirm,butthat'sok.

Ihangupwithasatisfiedgrin.

Chapter32

TakingFlight

WhenIreturntothecity,thestreetlights,stoplights,andshoplightsarebold,Technicolorpulsingwith

life.Thewindnipsmynose.However,thecoldairdoesn'treachmychest,causingmetobunchmy
shouldersupandhingeforward,bracingmyselfagainstthechill.Istandtall.Iamonamission.Dirtand
slushstainstheheapedremnantsofBlizzardBob,butnoneofitisasvibrantashowaliveandpurposeful
Ifeel.

IbreezeintotheapartmenttofindKat,curleduponthecouchunderablanket.Ahalf-fullglassofrosé

isonthecoffeetableandshedoesn'tlookupfromthebookshe'sreadingwhenIenter.

Mykeysrattleonthekitchencounter,andIsetmybagdownwithathud."Hello?"

"Navy!"Shetossesthebookdownandrunsover,armsreadyforahug."Areyouokay?"

"Ishouldaskyouthesamething.Whatareyoudoinghomeintheafternoonreading?"

"It'soneofthebenefitsofcreatingmyownscheduleasayogateacher.Timefreedom."

"Usuallyyounap."

"Icouldn'tsleep.Plusit'sValentine'sDay."

"AllthemorereasonI'mwonderingwhatyou'redoinghere,reading."

"Oh,that.Ijustpickedupthislittlelovestory."Shegrins.

"Boymeetsgirl,theyfallinlove,—nowIknowwhyyouenjoyreadingthemsomuch."Sheliftsboth

eyebrowssuggestively.

"Yeah,yeah,Iknowhowtheygo."

Sheshakesherheadandputsherhandsonherhips."No,notthisone."

"Kat,they'rerelativelyformulaic."Ilowerontothestool."They'reanescape.Thecharactersmake

mistakesandtakerisks,butintheend,heartshealandtheylivehappilyeverafter."

"Exactly.Threeacts,internalandexternalconflict,dialog,thefunnyandinsightfulfriend."Shewinks.

"Trueloveattheend.Blam."

"I'mconfused.YousaidIdon'tknowhowthisonegoes."

ShesashaysovertothecouchandpicksupLoveLettersbyC.K.Flynn."Hedidn'twritethisto

humiliateyou.Hewasn'ttryingtoexposeyourstoryorhaveyoureliveit…"

Myfisthitsthegranitecounter.AlthoughI'mreadytofollowmyheart,Ihaven'treconciledthecontent

ofhisbook."Ouch,"Isay,rubbingmyknuckles.

"Don'tcutoffyournosetospiteyourface.Orpunchapieceofgraniteandbreakyourhand."

"Kat,you'rereadingCarrick'sbook?"Iask,feelingthestingofbetrayalandmyalreadyachinghand.

"Yeah,andIalreadyorderedtheotheronesintheseriesfromAmazon."Shepokesattheembersof

myanger.

"IthoughtyouwereonteamNavy."

"One-hundredpercent."

"ButIhaven'ttoldyouaboutmychangeofheartyet."

"Youdidn'tneedto.Well,Ireadyourblogpost.Nicetitle,bytheway,theOTP.Itoldyoufiveguys,

thatwastheoriginaldare,remember?"

Ireluctantlynod.

"Andthisbook,LoveLetters,it'sCarrickandNavyorXavierandOliviaastheonetruepairing.

OTP,baby.Whichdoyoulikebetter?CavyorNavrickorCarrivy?"

"Noneofthemhaveagoodring."IfI'mevergoingtobeinarelationship,I'llcertainlyretainmy

identitywhilelovingmyguywithallmyheart.Nolosingmyselftohimorviceversa;I'vereadenough
novelstoknowtheperilsofthatscenario.

"Carrickwroteyouathree-hundredpageloveletter.It'scalledtheLoveLettersseriesmeaningit's

probablymorelikethousandsofpages.You’reahopelessromantic,surelyyouseethat."

"Youreadthewholething?"

"I'monthelastchapter.There'snowaysomethingterriblehappensatthispoint.It'sthesweeteststory.

Andsteamy.Fivestars.Ihighlyrecommendit."

"Hesaidheaddedaplottwist;hewrotewhathewantedtobetrue,"Iwhisper,recountingour

conversation.Inthatmoment,letters,words,sentences,andscenesrushatme,hotandinky.It'strue.Kat's
right.Webrokeeachother'sheartssomaybewecanhelpputthembacktogether.

"It'sValentine'sDay.Nopressureoranything.Allofthoseotherguyswerejusttrainingwheelstoget

youbackonyourfeet.Sowhat'sitgoingtobe?Arewegoingtotheairportornot?"

"Howdidyou—?"Iask,pullingtheplaneticketfrommybag.

"Youdidn'tgetpastchapterseventeen.Andyoushouldreallyusebookmarks,foldingthecornerofthe

pageoverissoprimitive."

"Haha."

"Soarewegoingornot—?"

Iletthesmilethat'sbeenbuildingsinceIwasinmyparents'basementpushpastthecornersofmy

lips.

"First,youneedtobathe,"Katadvises."Yousmelllikeacombinationofsleep,low-tide,andamusty

basement."

"Andhope;Iwon'twashthatoff."

"I'llpack,"shesaysexpertly.

Icallfromthebathroom."Justnothingtooshort.Orheels.Idon'twanttofallonthoseoldcobbled

streets.It'sprobablycoolthistimeofyearso—"

"Navy,I'vebeentoRomeinFebruary.Icanhandleit."

AfterI'vewashedmyhairandloofah-ed,Iturnofftheshowerabruptly,mypulseracingwith

questions,andrushtomyroomtofindKatwithtwosuitcasesonthebed,bothnearlyfull.

"Ithinkhistravelingstyleismorelikebackpacking:atidyrucksackandpolishedboots,"Isay,

thinkingofmyMarine.

"Ifthere'sgoingtobeaNavrick,he'llhavetoadaptabit.Unlessyouwanttobackpack,ofcourse.I'd

saymoreofabohemianvagabondstylethough.Likeglamping."

Ichuckle."Idon'tknowwhatIwantotherthantoknowwhathappensafterchapterseventeen."

Ispotthebookonmybed,butshelungesforit,asalways,holdingitoutofmyreach."I'monthelast

chapter,butIthinkyoushouldfindoutforyourself.Nospoilersfromme."

"That'swhatI'mtryingtodo,"Isay,scrabblingacrossthebedtowardher."Icanreaditontherideto

theairport."

Katyasays,"Nuhuh.Imeantyou'regoingtofindoutinreallife.Nomorelivingvicariouslythrough

thecharactersonthepage."

TheoutrageousskirtandtopIboughtduringthefirstweekoftheUBossislaidoutonthebed."Ooh,

packthat,"Isay.

Sheshakesherhead."No,wearthat."

"Onanairplane?"

"You'lllookgorgeous,darling,justlikepeopleusedtowhentheyflewfirstclass."

"Firstclass?"

"Ihadtocheckyourdeparturetime."

*

WereachtheJFKInternationalterminalandthelineforsecurityisinterminable.Iscanthecrowd,

searchingforthestrong,angularplanesofCarrick'sface,hisbroadshoulders,andsummerblueeyes.

"Thisiscrazy,"Isay,doubtgrowingwitheverypersonIseethatisn'thim.

"Lovetendstobethatway."

"Whatifhedoesn'tshowup?Worse,whatifhedoes?HowamIgoingtoaffordthis?Whatwillyou

dowithoutme?Who'sgoingtopaymyrentwhenI'mgone?Whathappensinchapterseighteenthrough
thirty-whatever?"

Katsqueezesmyhand."Hewill.Youwill.I'llbefine.Icanaffordit.You'llfindout."

Inodandclosemyeyes,fillingintheblankswithheranswers.TheresolveIcarriedfrommyparents'

housetoManhattankitessomewhereoverheadwheelingandspinninganddippingonazephyr,butI
realizeIstillholdthestring,Ialwayshave.

ThelinetopassthroughsecuritycreepsforwardandKatloosenshergrip.

"Makesureyouhydrateontheflight."

"Ithinkthat'stheleastofmyworries."

"No,trustme,there'snothingworsethanbeingpuffyandhavingyourskindriedout."

"Thanks,Katya,"Isay,givingherahugbeforeshufflingforward.

"You'retakingabigrisk,butIthinkit'stherightoneandit'sValentine'sDay,what'smoreromantic

thanrunningacrossanairportterminalintothearmsofyourOTP."

"Veryrom-com."

"Veryabouttohappen.IwishIcouldwatch."Sheglancesaround."S'poseIcouldhavesomeone

recorditontheircamera?"

"Kat!Itcouldbeahorriblefight,apublicshaming.LasttimeIsawhimItoldhimtoleave."

Sheliftsmychinandoureyesmeet."Youdid,butIhaveafeelingyoudidn'tmeanit.Callme,textme,

blog,whatever.Iwantdetails."

"Don'tgetlonelywithoutme."

"Don'tworry,Iwon't,"shesayswithawink."We'realreadyoutofsugar.Canyoubelievethat?"

ThesecurityofficercallsmeforwardandIgiveKatonemorehugwhilefumblingwithmyticketand

ID.

"Bye,"Icall,butthecrowdalreadyswallowedherup.

OnceI'montheothersideofterminal,thenightskystackslikebuildingblocksinthelarge,square

windows.Yeteverythinginsideislitup,blinking,flashing,rushing,anddashing.

Againstthefreneticenergysurroundingmeandinsideofme,Itakemytimeputtingmyshoesbackon

andgatheringmyluggage.Iwanderovertothenewsstandandbuyafewmagazines,agiantbottleof
water,andsomesnacks.Idrifttowardthegate,envelopedbyasenseofthesurreal.AmIreallydoing
this?Icouldgobacknow,returntomylife,tobusinessasusual.Mr.Doucheisgoingtobepissed.I
coulddotheexercisesintheUBossprogramthatImissed,goondates,andhangoutwithKat.

Icould.

ButthepointoftheprogramandeverythingIlearnedaboutmyselfinthelastmonthisthatIcanthink

andcontemplateandjournalandalltherest,butnoneofthatwillsubstituteactuallylivingmore,
followingmyheart,seeingwhereitleadsme,andwhatkindsofdreamsmaterialize.

Icontinuethroughtheterminalpastpeoplecomingandgoingonbusinesstripsandfromfaraway

placestoseefriendsandlovers.Familiessaygoodbyeandhello.Inaway,I'msayinggoodbyetothepast
andhellotosomethingelse,yettobedefined.

WhenIturnthecorner,Ispothimstandingbyabankofwindows,abackpackslungoverhissquared

shouldersandhisreflectionawavyblurintheglass.

Istudyhim:long,cleanlinesofmuscledarmsandpowerfullegs.Thekindofposturethatnothingcan

sway,exceptmaybeme.IneverwanttoseehimsoruinedaswhenItoldhimtoleaveandwhenIsaidI
hatedhim.Idon'twanttoforgivemyself,butifhedoes,IhavetodothesamebecauseIcan'tkeepliving
withheapsandpilesofguilt.

Istepcloser.There'snoturningback.Myheartaccelerates.Mysurroundingsturnfuzzy.Iwobbleon

newbornponylegs.Lifeisabouttochange.Eitherwe'llbeinittogetherorit'llbeover.

Iclearmythroat."Carrick,"Icall.

Heturnsslowlyasthoughheisn'tsurewhetherheheardhisnamefloatinginhisthoughtsorifitwasa

trickinthedinofthebustlingterminal.Hisexpressionrapidlypassesfromsurprisetooverwhelmingjoy
touncertainty.Heclosesthespacebetweenusinseverallongstrides,droppinghisbagatourfeet.He
picksmeupandswingsmeinacircle,knockingoveranelderlywoman'scaneleaningagainstherseat.

Ipressagainsthim,relievedtobewelcomeintohisstrongembrace—thepillarIneededagainstmy

uncertainty.

"Sorry,"Ispeakthemuffledapologyintohisshoulder.

Carrick'shandshakesashepalmsmine,leadingmeovertothewindows.Hetakestheotheroneand

wefaceeachother.Ilookupandup,meetinghisblueeyes.

"Thisisn'twhatIexpected,"hesays.

"I'msorryforeverythingIsaid."

"I'msorryforeverythingIdidordidn'tdo."Whenhisapologyleaveshislips,thistimeIacceptit.

"Yougaveuponmeonce.Igaveuponloveonce,let'sseewhathappensifwedon'tgiveup."

Heleansinandwhispers,"Inevergaveuponyou,notduringalloftheyearswewereapart.Ithought

ofyoueveryday,regrethauntingme,desiremovingme.Idon'tknowhowelsetosayit,writeit,ortell
you.Ihaveafewtypos,somemisplacedcommas...I'mmoreofaworkinprogressthanafinisheddraft."

"I’malrightwiththat.Ihaven'tevengottenthatfar.I'mlikeanoutline."

HesmoothsmyhairbackandhisfacebrightenswhenIsmile."Youslaymewiththatfuckingdimple."

Hegazesupattheceilingasifsteelinghimself."Now,it'suptometoshowyouwhatsomethingelse
means,"hesays.

"Wedon'thavetodefineit.Itcanbewhateverwewantittobe.It'suptous."

"Let'sstartsimple.Navy,willyougoonadatewithme?Youlookbeautiful,Imightadd."

Ismilemybiggestdimpledsmile."Where?"

"Everywhereandwhereveryouare."

Iwavemyticket."StartingwithRome?"

"HappyValentine'sDay."

Chapter33

Valentine'sDayNight

Wesettleintofirstclassseats.

"Thankyoufortheticket,sir,"Isay,givingalittlebounceandthenswingingmylegslikeachild.

"Thisisanicewaytotravel.ShouldIexpectwarmnuts?"

Carrickchuckles.

Katyaandherinnuendoescrossmymind."That'snotwhatImeant.Imean,nevermind."Myknee

bouncesuncontrollably.Ishifttogetcomfortable.Ifidgetwiththelapbeltandthebuttonsanddialsinour
sharedcompartment.There'saTV,aprivacyscreen,andItipbackward,myfeetliftingontothefootrest
oftherecliningchair.Idon'thavetoworryaboutpeople'skneesbehindmeasIadjustthepositionofthe
seatandscrubmyclammyhandsdownmyskirt.

"WhereIthoughtyouwerethestrongandsilenttype.Iwaswrongononeaccount.You'restrong,that's

forsure,butit'sclearyou'refullofwords,like,literallyspillingontothepage."

Carricknodsformetogoon.

"So,let'stalkmore.Behonest.Notholdthoughtsandfeelingsback."

"Soundsgoodtome."

"FromnowonI'lltellyoueverythingthat'sonmymind.Well,noteverything,becausethere'sawhole

lotofweirdgoingonuphereyouwantnopartof."

"Idon'tmindweird."

"Trustme.Itcanbecrazy."

Heshakeshishead."Sowe'lleachbeanopenbook."

"Haha.Nosecrets.Noregrets."

"Agreed."

"Ibelieveintrueloveandinhappyendings."

"No,notendings,beginnings."Hissmilewarmsme.

"I'mveryromantic,butdon'tneedaknightinshiningarmororwantrescuing."

"Youalreadysavedme,"hesays,pattingthescaronhischest.

"I'matafunnyplaceinmylife.Iquitmyjob;I'mgettingonaplane.I'msittingnexttoCarrickKennely

andamhappyaboutit."

Andthereitis.Thelook.TheI-want-you-right-nowlook,butifI'velearnedanythingfromromance

novels,it'storelishtheslowburn,theanticipation,thebrushoffingers,thelazygaze,thequirkoflips,
thelook.

*

Butterfliesdanceacrossmyskinandthenswoopinmybelly.I'mnotanervousflyer.I'mexcited!I'm

withCarrick!Togetheratlast!We'regoingtoRomeforgoodnesssakes!

Thereisn'tasecondloveinterestI'mleavingbehind,alovetriangleofsortswithmyhearttorn

betweentwouncommonlyattractivemen.I'mnotgivingupacareer/house/dreamforaguy.I'llmiss
Katya,butwe'lltextandtalkbecausethat'swhatwedonomatterwhatcontinentwe'reon,andshe'sbeen
tonearlyallofthem.IloveNewYorkandI'llbebackthereforsure.Mycareer,well,perhapsthistrip
willhelpmefigureoutwhatthatis.It'smostlytheunknown,thenextchapter,theunfinishedchapters…

Allthelooseendsareresolvedandwrappedinatidylittlebow.Thecoupleoftenwalkoffintothe

sunset,handinhand…WhatIrarelyreadinmyromancenovelsishowevenaftertheOTPgettogether,
therearestilljittersandnerves.Ican'tbelieveI'veneverthoughtofthisbefore.Thatcan'ttrulybethe
happilyeverafterbecausethey'renotgoingtokeepwalkingforever,nobeachisthatlong.That'snothow
reallifeworks.

Whathappensnext?What'sthenextchapterafterthelastone?ThereaderinmeMUSTKNOWwhat

goesoninawriter'smind.IwonderifIaskedanauthor—

"Carrick,whathappensafterthelastchapter?"

"Huh?"heasks,inclininghisheadinquestionandrunninghisgiantpawacrosshisstubble.His

fingersdistractmeasthey'vedonesinceIhadthatfirstsurgeofhormoneswhenIwasthirteenandI
imaginedthemtwinedinmine.

Recordscrattttchhhh.Waitagoshdarnedminute.Iresistasmileandputmyelbowontheshared

armrest,nudginghisoveralittle.IlineupourarmsasbestIcanandthenedgemyhandoverbefore
takingCarrick'spinkieinmine,lacingthemtogether—seventhgrade-firstdate-atthemovietheaterstyle.
Hisknucklespressintothesoftpartbetweenmine.

Simplefact#1:theyfittogether.

Simplefact#2:Ineverwanttoletgo.

Myheartknowsthis.Wemayhavedecidedwe'renotdefiningthissomethingelse,butI'mprettysure

fingerholdingisallowed.Hesqueezesmypinkieandthendoesn'tletgo.

"Didyoufinishthebook,"heasks."Isthatwhatgaveyouthechangeofheart?"

"Iwasreallypissedthatyoubasicallywroteourstory."

"Iknow."

"Ithurttoseefragmentsandwholechunksofmyselfonthepagelikethat."

"Iknow."

"Icouldhavesuedyou."

"Iknow."

Ilaugh."Iwouldn't."

"Thankgoodness."Heclearshisthroat.

"IthurtsomuchIwenthomeandcriedforafewdays."

Heflinches."I'msorry.Imeantforyoutoreadthebookandseethattherecouldbeahappyending.

InsteadoftheendforusIwantedtheretobepossibilitiesandIdidn'tknowhowelsetoshowyouortell
youbecauseI'mabigmeathead."

"Iwon'targuewithyouthere,butI'lladdthatyou'reareallyhotmeathead.Jarhead,whatever.

Anyway,KatyareadthebookwhileIwasgoneandshemademelookatitfromanewperspective:a
storyofwhatcouldbe,anactualloveletter.ShesuggestedIseehowitplaysoutinreallife."

"Ididn'tmeantoblurthelinebetweenfictionandrealityquitesomuch."

"Butyoudid.That'swhatI'mgettingto;I'mgoingtoreadtherestofthebook,thenyoucantellme

whathappensnextforXavierandOlivia.Andasforus,we'llwriteourownstory."

Hescratcheshisthumbnail."I'veseenenoughtoknowthatreallifedoesn'talwaysturnoutforthe

best."

"Butithasthepotentialto."

Itakehisentirehandinmine,ourcontrastsrarelymoreapparent.

Big,little.

Disciplined,abitchaotic—orrather,neurotic.

Thebeauty,thebeast.Well,maybeweeachinhabitbothandwe'renotquitesoopposite.Maybewe're

bigandlittleindifferentways.Icanbeverydisciplinedabouthavingverylittleself-restraint.Andhe'sa
beast,asexyone,butalsobeautifultoo.Andperhapsheseesthesameinme.

Butmyoriginalquestionpestersme."Istillwonder,afteryouwriteTheEnd,whatthen?"

"Ididwriteasecondbookintheseries,"heanswers."Itfollowsadifferentmaincharacter—shewas

asecondarycharacterinthefirstnovel,butyoufindoutmoreabouteveryone'slivesafterthelastpagein
thefirstbook."

Isigh."Hearingyoutalkaboutnovelsissodamnhot."

Hislipsquirkwithamusement.

Iprobefurtherastheflightcrewpreparesfortakeoff.

"We'retalkingfictionversusreallife?ThenIguessthecharactersliveinmeinaway.Idon'ttruly

knowwheretheycomefrom—bitsandpiecesfrommyexperiencesandpeopleIknow,butinorderfor
themtobelikeable,believable,andcarrythestoryfromstarttofinish,theyhavetobetheirownthree-
dimensionalpeople.IguesswhatI'msayingisthereisn'taclearanswer.Ithinkaboutthecharactersoften,
randomideaswillpopintomymindalmostlikememoriesinreverse.I'llseeXavierandOliviaeatingat
alittlerestaurantwithbrickwallsandlinentablecloths.ThenI'llseeitinreallife.They'resharingthis

amazingpastadishandfallingmoreandmoreinlove.I'matafriend'shouseinTuscanyandmymindis
blownbyaplateofpappardelle."

"It'sstrangetohearyouofallpeoplesaythewordlove."

"Why?IwritelovestoriesandIuseitallthetime:Ilovepizza.Ilovefootball.Ilovedogs.Ilove

Italy.Ilove—"

Istophimbeforehecansaymore."WillyoushowmeromanticRome?"

"Everypiazza,bridge,museum,restaurant…We'llleavenothingunexplored.Everyinch."Hesmooths

apieceofmyhairthroughhistwofirstfingers."Everyinch,Navy."

Webothshiftinourseatssowe'refacetoface.Heleansclose,oureyesmeet—bluestillsoclearand

beautifuleventhoughthey'veseensomuchdestructionandpainintheworld.Yethestillcreateslove
stories;heseesloveeverywhere.

Iwatchhislipsformthewords,"Whatcouldbebetweenus?"Hisvoiceisawhisperandhedipshis

nosetothesideofmineandtiltshisheadslightly.

Ismile,envisioningusstartingover,startinganew,andkissinglikemad."RememberyouaskedifI

wasgoingtogiveyourbookachance?I'mgoingtogiveusachance."

Hepresseshislipstomine.

Theworldfallsaway.

Timestops.

Thereisnothingbuttheeverholynow.

Words,thoughts,questionsdisappearintothesimplicityofmouths,tongues,saliva,andourbeating

hearts.Thisiswhatmyfathermeantaboutmystery.Thereisnoneedtounderstandit;itjustis,anditis
beyonddelightful,blissful,enjoyable,andpleasurable.It'ssomethingelse.

Akissisn'tjustakiss.It'smore—thebeginning,what'salwaysbeen,thefuture.

Carrickwrapshisfingersaroundthebackofmyhead,pullingmetohim.Igriphisshoulders,pressing

mychestascloseasthearmrestwillallow.Everyinchofmyskinrespondstohistouch.Histhumbonmy
jawbetweenmychinandear.Therestofhishandpressingintothesideofmyneckandthebackofmy
head.Hisotherarmwrappingaroundme,grippingmyshoulderaswebecomepartofeachother.The
padsofmyfingersreachunderhisshirt,meetingwarmskin,firmandmuscledbeneathmytouch.Ipress
downasthoughleavingahandprint,coveringsurfacearea,drawinghimcloser,mine,mine,mine.

Ishrugoffmyjacket,mybreathheavyandmyheartracing.Hishandsareeverywhereasthoughtrying

tocatalogmybodyandinturn,there'saburn,aspark,asurgeofelectricityacrossthesurfaceofmyskin.
Energybuildsbetweenus,likethefrictionandheatcreatedbytwohandsrubbingtogether.

Someoneclearstheirthroatnearby."Excuseme,we'restartingourin-flightservice,canIgetyoua

beverage?"

Theflightattendantdousesuswithicywords.Wesittherestunned,returningtoplanetearthor

somewhereabouttwentytothirtythousandfeetofftheground.

There'salittleprivacyscreenandasCarrickclosesithesays,"Nothanks,we'regood."

Atlast,weare.

Wekisssomemoreandsomemore.

WhenwepartIsay,"Thisisn'thowIexpectedtospendValentine'sDay."

"Onaplane?Withme?"heasks.

"Checkandcheck."Andinlove,myhearttellsme.Andmaybeit'salwaysbeenthisway,likemydad

said,ifwe'vefeltthiswayforeachothersincewewereteenagersandsuppressedit,ignoredit,foughtit,
anddeniedit,nowwe'rejustmakingupforlosttime.However,wehaveafewmorebasestocover
beforewecanmatureenoughtousetheLword.

Chapter34

LoveLetters

WhentheplanetouchesdowninRome,mymascarahasgivenmecrazywitcheyes.Myhairisupto

itsusualunrulytricks,andalthoughthefoodinfirstclasswasdecent,byairplanemealstandards,Ihardly
ate.MylipsweretoobusytastingwhatImissedforthelasttenyears.

Thedrivetothehotelisabluraswecontinuetomakeoutinthecab.Withoutanarmrestbetweenus,I

climbintohislap,straddlinghislegs,ourkissesbecomingmoreurgent.Hegripsmyheadinhishands
drawingmeclose,closer,closest.ThebulgeinhispantspressesagainstmeandIwanthimnow.

Iwanthimsobad.

Ourbreathingisloudandroughandraggedlikewildbeasts.Poorcabbie.

Carrickadjustshimselfwhenwearriveoutsidethegildedandlitupentrancetothehotel.

"Wait,"Isay,restingmyhandonCarrick'sarm."Beforewegoinside—"Iinhaledeeply,breathingin

romanticRome,tourbusexhaust,theyeastyscentoffreshbakedbread,thechillofwinter,andthefaint
saltoftheseaafewmilestothewest.

Goldenhaloesringthestreetlightslikeminiradiantsuns.Thesoundsofhonking,laughter,anda

moodyviolinmelodyareclear,dreamy,andsonorous.Irushdownthesidewalktoasmallbridge,
runningmyhandalongtheroughstonerailing.Istopinthemiddle,turninginacircleattheenchantment
aroundme.MyheartleapswhenIstop,myeyeslandingonCarrickstandingafewfeetaway.

Irushover,oncemore,Ikisshim,tastingromanticRomeonmyromanticMarine'slips.

Despiteourlevelofdishevelment,thedoormangreetsuslikeroyalty,gesturingusinsidewitha

white-glovedhand.

IlinkmyarminCarrick's."Fancy,"Iwhisper.

Hewinksatme.

Afterwecheckin,wefamiliarizeourselveswiththewalloftheelevatorcar:Carrickpressesme

againstthemirroredglass,onearmcagedovermyhead,theotherexploringundermyshirt.Wekiss.

Wedelaywhenthedingsoundsforourfloorandwindupseveralstoriesup,ignoringtheother

passengersinthisimpassionedmomentaswereturntoourlevel.Wekiss.

Thefloralwallpaperinthehallwayisanespeciallylovelybackdropaswecontinuetomakeoutlike

twoteenagerswhoseparentsareoutoftown.I'llhavetoinformhimofmymakingupforlosttimetheory.
Ourlipsdon'tfalterwhenadoorslamsdownthehall.Wedon'tbreakcontactwhenfootstepspatterby.
Wecontinueourslowprogressiontowardroom244.Wekiss.

Carrickpressesmeagainstthedoor,fumblingforthecardtoslideintothelock.Ikoalahughimand

webothcrashtothefloorwhenthedoorslamsopen.Weinchourwayacrossthecarpetandtothebed,
whereverthatis.Theroomisdim,theonlylightsparkinginCarrick'seyesaswepauseandlookateach
other,eachagreeingthatyes,thisisreal,beforelipsandteethandtonguescrashintoeachotheronce
more.Wekiss.

Hehoistsusbothontothebed.Shoesarekickedoff.Coatsdroptothefloor.I'mbalancedonmyknees

andnearlyoutofbreathasIstruggletogethisshirtoverhishead.Thereareunexpectedbuttonsinvolved.

BreathlessIsay,"Ihaveatheory."

Henods,nippingmylip.

"We'remakingupforlosttime."

"Ifthat'sthecasewe'renotleavingthisroomforaweek.Two.Ten….Years."

Istrokehisbare,muscledarms,myattentiononhislips.Howourmouthspressingtogetherwork

miraclesandmakemefeellikeI'mcomingapartandcomingtogetheratthesametime.

Hetakesmyshirtoff,slidingmybrastrapdownovermyshoulderandthentheotherbeforehishands

areonmychest,cuppingmybreasts."IdidtellyouIpreferorganic,right?"heasks.

Icrashintohim,skintoskin,nothingleftbetweenusexceptforhispantsandmyskirt.

Withonearmslungaroundmyback,heheftsusbothhigheronthebedtowardthepillows.Igiggle.I

can'tbelievethisishappening.It'scottonandmarshmallows,andI'mahappyballofflufffloatingon
clouds.Exceptthesharpedgeofsomethingstabsmeintheside.

Ireachunderneathmeandpulloutanenvelope.

Incurlingscript,Ireadmynameprintedonthefront.

Kneelingovermeonthebed,Carrickrocksbackonhisheels."Ialmostforgot."Hewipeshisbrow.

"Igotcarriedaway."

"Whatisit?"Iask.

"Openit,"hesays,loweringdownnexttomeandproppinghimselfuponhiselbow.

Icarefullyteartheseamoftheenvelopeandpulloutastiffpieceofcardstock.Iturnitoverandread,

DearNavy,

Ifyou'rereadingthisthatmeansI'mjustanarm'sreachaway,whichmeanswe'retogetherin

Rome.

Iwantyoutoknow,it'salwaysbeenyou.I'dteaseyoutohearyoutalk.I'dplayfullywrestlewith

yousoIcouldfeelyourtouch.I'dtakethedrinkoutofyourhandandtakeasipsoIcouldbecloserto
yourlips.I'dsneakaround,botheringyouandmysistersoIcouldbenearyou.

IwishIhadn'twaitedsolong.IwishIhadthenthewordsIhavenow.Butthere'snogoingback,

onlyforward.IwishwhenIstartedwritingtheLoveLettersbookseriesthatIwrotethemtoyou
insteadofhidingbehindXavierandOlivia.IwishmorethananythingIhadn'twaitedsolong.But
hereweare.Wehavenow.

However,thereispleasureinanticipation.I'vespentcountlessnightsenvisioningthismoment,us

talkingtoeachotherlikecivilizedhumanbeings,ourlipspressingtogether.ButIventuretosaythere
isevenmorepleasureintheaction.

It'salwaysbeenyou,butifthingshadbeendifferent,Iwouldn'thavehadtimetomakemistakes,to

realizewhatanassholeIwasandbecomethemanIam.I'mafraiditwouldn'thaveworked.You'd
probablyenduphatingmeanyway.

Nowwecandoit.Wegettoexperienceallofthefirsts:

Flirting

Kissing

Traveling

Exploring

Allofthe-ingsandwedon'thavetoworryaboutwhatit'llbelikeifwegetintoanargument:we

knowwecanmakeup.Wedon'thavetoworryaboutfartinginfrontofeachother(Iknow,gross)
becauseyou'veheardmeandmybrothersdoitplentyoftimes.Wedon'thavetobeafraidofhurting
theotherbecausewebothdidthatandknowwellenoughnottodoitagain.

I'vewantednothingmorethantostartover.Tomeetyouforthefirsttime.Tobeginagain.Wecan,

sortof,butit'sbuiltoneverythingthatcamebeforewhichmakesusstronger.

Therearesomanywhatifs,butyouwillalwaysbemyfavorite.

Wanttoseewherethistakesus?

Lookinthemorningpaper.

XO,

Carrick

I'mquietamomentlettingthemessagesettleoverme.ThenIask,"Inthemorningpaper?"

"Youmadeittochapterseventeen,surelyyourememberXavierleftOlivialoveletters."

Realizationdawns.Itaphimonthearmwiththethickcard."Youwonderful,clever,amazingman."

"Mmm.Ilikethat.Keepgoing,"hesays,pullingmeovertohim.Ourstomachspresstogether.He

slideshishandsundermyskirt,grippingmybackside.

"Ihavetowaituntilmorningforthenextone?"

Hishipsthrustforward,hisbulgepressingintome."RememberwhatIsaidaboutthepleasureof

anticipation?"

"AllIheardyousaywaspleasureandIcan'twaitanothersecond."Iunbuttonhisjeans.

Hecagesmeinhisarmsandpushesmedownontomybackbeforeshimmyingmeoutofmyskirt.He

smoothshishandsdownmybarethighsandkissesatrailfrommybellybutton,betweenmybreasts,tomy
chin,andthenmylips.

"Ican'ttellyouhowmuchI'veanticipatedthismoment."Hetakesoffhispants.

"Icanseethat,"Isaywithasmile.

Hesettlesovermeandwekiss,coveringeveryinch:ears,collarbones,necks,shoulders,thefoldof

theelbow,histattooandscar,abdomen—hisislikeawashboard—,heexploresmybreastswithhungry
tenderness.

Thenatlast,ithappens.Iamhisandheismine.Wefittogetherperfectlyuntilweunravel,coming

apartatnearlythesamemoment.

Memorycomesbackofthatnightonthebeach,thetwoofusmakingloveunderthestarstothesound

ofthewaves,tothesoundofhelloandgoodbye,tothesoundofus.

Ibreathe,"Carrick."

Herejoins,"Navy."

"Why?WhydidIwaitsolongforthat?WhydidIdenymyself?"

"I'veneverforgottenhowyoumademefeel."

"Thenwhydidwefightit?"

"Let'smakeupforlosttime,"hesays,pullingmetohimonceagain.

Weexplorenewandfamiliarterrain,hillsandvalleys,mountainsandriversofpleasurenotyet

tapped.

Whenwelaytogether,hisarmwrappedaroundmeinapromise,Itracethelettersofanothertattoo.

Thisonehiddenontheinsideofhisupperarm."Semperfidelis.Whatdoesthatmean?"Iask,knowingit's
aMarineslogan.

HissummerblueeyesaresoftandIsmileatthesightofhislusciouslipsandtheevidenceofmany

hoursofexercise.He'sdelicious."Alwaysfaithful.That'swhatIpromiseyou,Navy,fromhereforward.I
willalwaysbefaithfultoyouandtous."

Ikisshimgentlyonthelips,sealingthepromise.

"Katyasaidthiswholethingstartedasagameoftruthordare.Idareyoutotellmethetruth."

"No,thiswholethingstartedyearsandyearsagobetweentwocrazykids.Butifyouwanttoknowthe

truth,it'sthatIloveyou,Carrick."

Wesnugglecloser,skintoskin,hearttoheart.

Hekissesmegentlyonthelipsandsays,"Iloveyou,Navy.Alwayshave.Alwayswill."

Acknowledgements

Iofferthewarmestthankyoutomyfriendsandfamily.AlthoughImaywritetheactualwords,abookisn't

writtenalone.Withouttheirsupport,thesepageswouldn'texist.

HugstoCheyanneYoungforbeingtheverybestrunningbuddyinthismadwritingandpublishing

marathon.Isayitallthetime,butyouaretheBEST.Thebestlistener,thebestcollaborator,thebest

designer,thebestpuzzle-doer.TheBEST!AndhugstoJessicaSerraHuizengaforbeingmyconfettiand

sugar-freesister.Thecovertho!Ifanyoneiswonderingwheretogetcustomconfetti,scentedconfetti,

ALLtheconfetti,checkoutTheConfettiBar.It'llmakeyousohappy.

Kissestotheredgorillaandourchongitas.

ThankYOUtoallyouunicornswhodoubleasreadersforaddingalittlemagictoLove,Hate,andOther

LiesWeToldbypartingsitspages.

AbouttheAuthor

DeirdreRiordanHallistheauthorofyoungadultfiction,includingtheAmazonbestsellersSugarand

PearlalongwiththenewadultFollowyourBlissseries.Whenshe'snotwriting,she'sprobablysurfing

orinpursuitofmagic.Shealsohasahealthycaseofwanderlust,loveschipsandsalsa,anddreamsabout

learningtospeakatleastthreelanguages.

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