CouragetoFight

PavanKaur

Thisisaworkoffiction.
Name s,characte rs,busine sse s,place s,e ve nts,andincide ntsare e ithe rthe productsofthe author’simaginationoruse dina

fictitiousmanne r.

Anyre se mblance toactualpe rsons,livingorde ad,oractuale ve ntsispure lycoincide ntal.

Chapter1

Irubmyhandsnervouslyonmyskirtfortheumpteenthtime.I’msittinginAmanda’sofficewaiting

forher.Shewantedtotalktomebeforemyfirstdaybackatwork,andI’mscaredofwhatshewantsto
saytome.I’mhopingshedoesn’tfireme,morelikepraying.

Twoweekshavepassed,andRhettnevercamebacktofightforme.Ithoughthewould.Ireally

did.IthoughtImeantmoretohimthanthat.Ithoughthewouldknockonmydoorandaskforanother
chance,achanceforhimtotalktome.

Butnothing.

IthurtlikenopainI’veeverexperiencedbefore.

Iopenedthedoorforhim,andallIhavetoshowforitispain.Ihavecriedbecauseherejectedme

andknowingthathedoesn’twanttobewithme.IfeellikeIwasonlyagametohim.Justanother
plaything.Iguessalltherumorsweretrueafterall;IwasjusthiswhilehewasinVegas.WhenIrealized
thathewasn’tcomingback,Iturnedtodrinking.Ihadto.Iwantedtofeelnumb;Icouldn’thandlethe
pain,andIdidn’twanttothinkofRhett.Iwantedtodrowneverythingout.

Thefirstweekwentbyinablur;Idon’treallyremembermuchfromit.Ididn’tleavemyroom,and

Irefusedtospeaktoanyone.NoahbeggedmetocomeoutofmyroomandjusttalktohimandEmma,but
allIwantedtodowasforgetmytimewithRhett,forgethowIfeltsafewithhim,howhappyIwaswith
him.EverytimeIclosedmyeyesIwouldcry,justwishingthatwhenIopenedthemagain,Rhettwouldbe
lyingnexttome.

Thenweektwostarted,andEdcameover,pullingmeoutofmypityparty.Hehelpedmetostop

feelingsorryformyselfandeverytimeItriedpushinghimaway,hefoughtforme,forcingmetogetmy
headtogether.EdisnowmySponsorinAAandcallsmeeverydaytomakesurethatI’mnotfallingback
intomyoldways.HegotmetocomeovertohishouseandhelplookafterhisdaughterssothatIwould
havesomethingtodo.HisdaughtersarethecutestgirlsI’veevermet.Andsofunny.Therearenowords
evertothankEdenoughforwhathedidforme.

AfterIhadsoberedup,IstartedmycourseIdon’thavethemoneyforit,butIneededsomethingto

keepmymindawayfromdrinking,andIthoughtworkandstudyingwouldbethebestthingforme.Yes,I
mightnoteatafullmealeveryday,andsoupandbreadwillbewhatIliveoff,andaskEmmatopaymy
halfoftherentsometimes,butIneedtodothis.

NotimetothinkaboutdrinkingandnotimetothinkaboutRhett.

ThenthereisAdam.Hecamebacktocheckontheprogressofhisclub,andwhenherealizedthatI

wasn’tatwork,hewenttoEmmaandkeptaskingaboutme.Emma,hopingtopullmeoutofmyslump
toldmeaboutAdam,andIfinallytoldhertotellAdamtocomeoversoIcouldtalktohim.Eversincethe
dayhetoldRhettnottohurtme,Iseehiminadifferentway,notasaloveinterestforme,butmorelikea
closefriend,morethanafuckbuddy.

Hecameover,andIspoketohimaboutwhatwashappening,IfeltbadforEmmahavingtodeal

withhimallthetime.ItoldhimthatIdon’tseehimasanythingbutafriendandIwasn’treadytodateor

anythinglikethat.Icouldtellthathewasn’talltoohappywiththat,buthesaidheunderstoodwhyI
wasn’treadytobewithanyoneelsejustyet.

ItoldhimasmallpartofmypastjustsohehadsomeformofideaonwhyI’mthewayIam.He

wasniceaboutitandsaidthatfriendsweregoodforhimandifIeverneededanythingIcouldalways
callhim.Thatnightheinsistedthathetakemeouttodinner,sayingthatitwasn’tadate,justtwofriends
hangingout.IsawitasawaytoprovetoeveryonearoundmeincludingmyselfthatIcoulddothis,thatI
wasgettingstronger,soIagreed.Itwasnice.Iwasafraidthatitwouldfeellikeadate,butitdidn’t,even
whenAdaminsistedonpayingformymeal.Hehasturnedouttobeagreatfriendandhascalledme
severaltimesjusttocheckinandseehowIamdoing.Iknowhe’llbecomingtotownsoonforameeting
andhehassuggestedthatwemeetup.Ihaven’ttoldhimifIwouldornot,butIthinkIwill.

Afterspendingthepastweektalkingtohim,IfeelhappythatIhaveafriendtotalktowhenIneed

it.

Ihearthedooropenbehindme,pullingmeoutofmythoughtsandIsitupstraightinmychair.

Pullingdownmycardigansleeves,hidingmybandagedwrists.Justlookingatthem,IfeellikeI’velost.I
feelweak.IletmyselffallbacktowhereIwas,theplaceIworksohardtogetoutof.

“Scarlett,howarewefeeling?”Amandawalksaroundthedesktoherseat,nottakinghereyesoff

me.

“Good,”Ireplywatchingherscootinclosertoherdesk.

“IhavespokentoEdaboutthedrinkingandhehassaidhethinksyouarereadyforwork.Hewill

keepmeupdatedwithyourprogressandmentionedthatyouhavealsostartedyourstudies,”Amanda
leansbackinherseatandwatchesmelikeahawk.

“Yes,Istartedafewdaysago.EdishelpingwithanythingthatIneed,andIbelievethatI’mready

forworktoo.”Ismile,IdobelieveI’mreadytogetbacktomylife—wellasbestasIcananyway,butI
needtocomebacktowork,sittingathomeismakingitworseforme.

“Howlongisyourcourse?”Amandaasks,openingherdailyplanner.

“ThepaymentplanIhave,Icanfinishinthreeyears,orevenbeforeifIworkhardenoughatit.”I

watchherwritesomethingdownonapieceofpaper,thenlookupatme.

“Youstaysoberforayear.Otherwise,you’reout,”Amandapushesthepapertowardsme,“the

onlyreasonyou’restillherenowisthatyou’reagoodworker,andIbelievethatyoucanbecomeagreat
manager,”shesays.

Ilookdownatthepaperandreadit.MynewcontractstatesthatifIdrinkfromthisdayforward

untilthistimenextyear,Iwilllosemyjob.Takingthepen,Isignonthedottedlinesandpushthepaper
backtowardsAmanda.

“YoucandothisScarlett,”shegivesmeasmile,andIleaveheroffice.

Closingthedoorbehindme,Ifeltrelieved.ThatwasnotasbadasIthoughtitwouldbe.Imeanthe

newcontractformeisanotherreasonnottodrink,andworkonmakingsomethingofmylife.

Walkingtothestaffroom,Emmawalksovertome.“Youwereinthereforages,”shesays,asIfill

mycartupwitheverythingIneed.

“Newcontract,drinkintheyear,I’mout,”Isayinawhisper,“Iunderstandwhyshedidit,another

reasontostaystrong,”finishingmycart,Emmafollowsmeout.

“Youaregood,aren’tyou?”There’saworryinthatquestion;evenIaskmyselfthateverymorning

whenIlookinthemirror.

“I’mgood,”Igiveherasmile,butIknowshehasn'tboughtit,andIgetstartedonmyrooms.

IknowthatIcan’tlietoEmmaandNoah,butIdon’twantthemtoknowhowbrokeIstillam,lying

tothemissomucheasierforme.HowdoItellmybrotherthatI’msohurtandbrokefromwhatRhetthas
donethatIdon’tevenwanttogetoutofbedinthemorning?IknowIneversaidthosethreewordsto
Rhett,butIfeltthingsforhimthatIneverfeltforanyoneelse,Iopenedthatpartofmylifeupforhim,just
forhimtocrushme.

***

Sittinginfrontofmyparent’sgrave,Istareattheirtombstones.Ihaven’tbeenheresinceRhettleft

me,Ididn’tknowwhattosaytomyparents,Ididn’tknowwhattosaytomyself.

“Sorry,Ihaven’tbeenhere.Iguessyouknowwhathasbeenhappening?”Pullingthegrassinfront

ofmeIcontinue,“IalwayssaidtomyselfthatIhadtwoAngelslookingoverme,buttheworsethings
happened,themoreIthoughtIwaskiddingmyself.NoAngelswouldputthismuchshitinanyone’slife,
butthenRhettcamealong,andIfiguredyouhadgivenmesomethingthatwouldchangeeverythingforme.
Butnow…”Iwipethetearscomingdownmycheeks.

“NowIdon’teventhinkyouarelookingoverme.Whygivemehopethentakeitawayfromme?”I

asklookingattheirnamesengravedonthestone.Blowingoutsomeair,“TheonlythingIcansayis,give
mesomethingmom.Givemestrengthtofight,tolive.Ineed,”Iclosemyeyes,“something,”Iwhisper.I
sitthereforawhileinsilencejustlookingattheotherpeoplearoundme,someoldladythatI’veseen
cominghereforaslongasIhave,andsomenewfacesI’veneverseenbefore.Lookingatmywatch,I
grabmybagreadytoleave,firstdaybackatwork.IknowthatNoahwillbeattheapartmentwaitingfor
me.

***

Walkingintotheapartmenttothesmellofpastabeingcooked,IlookoveratNoahinthekitchen,“I

thoughtwecouldcelebrateyourfirstdaybackwithanicemeal,”givingmeawink,IwalkovertoEmma
andsitdownnexttoher.

“Howareyoufeeling?”EmmaasksIturntofaceher,andshecanseethatI’mnothappywiththat

question,“Nevermind,”focusingontheTVagain.Ihatethatquestion.IfIweren'tfeelinguptogoing

backtowork,Iwouldn’thave,butIcan’tgetmadatthemforworryingaboutme.

“Foodisready,”Noahbringsovermyplate,andgoesbacktogethis,“howwaswork?”Heasks

takingaseatnexttome.

“Good,”ItellhimaboutmynewcontractandhowI’mpushingmyselftoworkharder.Istill

haven’ttoldhimaboutstudying,apartofmeisembarrassedtoadmittoanyonethatIamgoingbackto
schoolandtheotherhalfisafraidtotellanyonejustincaseIfail.Iknow,stupid.

Therestoftheeveningwasnice.WetalkedandhadanormalconversationaboutPenny,howhis

jobwasgoing,Matt.Wetalkedabouteverythingthatwasn’tfocusedonme.Itwasnice.

Chapter2

“Matt’scomingdownthisweek,”Emmasmilesatme,“I’vemissedhim,hesaidhe’sstayingafew

weeksthistime.”Sheadds.Thesmileonherfaceishuge.

Afterthefight,MattwentbacktoLA;hehadafewmeetingstosortout,andEmmaishopingthathe

willmovetoVegastolivewithher.ShementionedmovingtoLAwithhimbutnotreallyspokeaboutit
seriouslyyet.So,I’mnotsurewhatthey’replanningyet.

“That’sgreat;youcanstopmoaningaboutmissinghimnow,”Ilaugh,eventhoughIwasnotmyself

thelastweek,itdidn’tstopEmmatalkingabouthowmuchshemissesMatt,andhowshecan’twaittorip
hisclothesoffwhenhecomesback.Imeanthereissharingandthenthere’soversharing.

“Iwasnotmoaning,Iwasmissing,”sheputsherhandsonherhipsandlooksatmelikeshehasa

pointtoprove.

“Okay,okay,”Iputmyhandsupandsurrender,“letmeknowwhenhe’sback,soIcannotbehome

thatnight,”Isaystilllaughingather.ThereisnowayIwanttobeintheapartmentthefirstnighthe’s
back;thewallsintheapartmentarenotthatthickest,andthethingsthatshehasplannedforhim.

No,thankyou.

Emmaburstsoutinafitoflaughter,“IwillletyouknowsoonasIgethisflightinformation,”we

bothlaughasweleavethestaffroom.“Seeyouforlunch,”Sheshoutsasshegoestheoppositedirection.

“Noah’scomingtoo,”Iyellbacktoher.NoahandPennyhavesettledwellinVegas.Ithoughtit

wouldbehardforher,leavingallherfamily,butNoahsaidshelovesithere,whichisgoodbecausenow
Idon’thavetoworryaboutNoahleaving.Italwaysscaredmehimleaving,asIwouldhavenofamily
closetome.

Amandahadanotherchatwithmetoday,askingifIwasokaygoingbacktoworkyesterday.Iknow

thatshewillaskmeeverydayuntilsheiscontentonknowingthatI’mtellingherthetruth.Ihavenoone
toblamebutmyself.IfIhadjustkeptwithmyonenightstandsandnotopenedthedoorforRhett,Iwould
neverhavegottenhurt.Iwouldneverhavedrunksomuchinthatweek,andIwouldneverhavenearlylost
myjob.

ShealsoaskedwhenIwouldspeaktoEdnext.Itoldherthathecalledlastnightandsaidthathe

wouldcomevisitmeduringmylunchbreaktodaybecausehewantedtogivemesomething.Amandais
happythatEdishelpingmesomuch,andIhavesomeonethatbelievesinmeasmuchasshedoes.

Someonehastoo.

KnowingthatEdwantsmetofightthisyear,ishelpingmetofightharder,Ineedtofightthistime.

NotjusttoprovetomyselfthatIcanwin,butIwanttowinformyfriendsandfamily,thepeoplethathave
believedinme.

Istandstillinfrontofthedoor,theroomIknowsowell,theroomthatbecamemysecondhome.I

didn’thavetocleanityesterdayasnoonewasbookedintheroomandithadalreadybeencleaned
before,butstandingherenow,ismuchharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe.

Myhandstartsweating,asIrememberallthethingsthathappenedbehindthatdoor.Juststanding

bythisdoor,mybodybreaksoutingoosebumps,rememberingRhetttouchingme,hislipsmovingovermy
body,closingmyeyesItakeadeepbreath.

Iknockonthedoor,andthenswipingmycard,“Housekeeping,”IannounceasIentertheroom.I

takeinanotherdeepbreathtocalmmynervous.IbringeverythingintotheroomandquicklycleanitsoI
canleave.EventhoughIlovethisroomithasalwaysbeenafavoriteofmine;It’sjuststillalltoofresh
forme.

Throwingeverythingintothecart,Iwalkbacktotakeafinallookaroundtheroomtoseeifit’sall

done,andnothinghasbeenleftbehind.ButIcan’tleavejustyet,Itakeoneglanceoutthewindowatthe
viewbeforeIleave,thisviewwasperfecttorelaxanyone,evenme.

ItakethatfewmomentstomyselfbeforeIturnandleaveonlytostopdeadinmytracksandland

myselfstaringintothosegreeneyesI’vedonenothingbutdreamaboutfortwosolidweeks.Ican’tmove,
Ican’teventalk,allIcandoislookathim,andtakehimallin.

Myheartisbeatingfasterwitheachmomentthatpass.PullingonmycardiganasIdon’twantto

movetomyband.Notbreakingeyecontactwithhim,Inoticethereissomethingdifferentabouthim,his
eyeslooklost,painedsomehow.

“Rhett,thishotelisbeautiful,”Ihearawomansay.FinallytakingmyeyesawayfromhimIseea

womanstandingnexttohim.Samegreeneyes,samesmile.

It’shismother!ComeonScarlettmove;Ishouttomyselfinmyhead.

“Yourroomiscleaned,”Isay,itsoundedlikeawhisper,butshenodssothatmustmeanthatshe

heardme.Ihasilypassthemandoutoftheroomonlytobestopped,“Scarlett?”Hismothercallsafterme.

Ijuststopdeadwithmybacktothem,eversostill.IinhaleddeeplyasIturnaroundandputonmy

bestsmile.Shebeginswalkingtowardsme.“Mysonisanidiotfornotfightingforyou,”shemurmurs.“I
thinksheisprettierthanwhatyousaidshewas,”sheturnstoRhett.

Idon’tlooktowheresheislooking,butItakeastepbackfromher,“seeyoulater,”shegivesmea

smile,andIleavetheroom,closingthedoorbehindme.

Icouldhavedied.IalwaysknewthatifIhadtofacehimagain,itwouldbehard,butthiswas

painful.Itfeltlikesomeonehadafirmgraspofmyheartintheirhandsandwassqueezingit.Igotoutof
therethequickestIcouldandpowerwalkedtoAmanda’soffice,pushingthebuttonone-too-manytimes
fortheelevatortocome.

IjumpedintotheelevatorandassoonasthedoorsclosedIletoutthebiggestsighofreliefanyone

haseverperformed.Iheldthatbreathinforawhiletoo.

Heishere.Whyishehere?

PING!

OutoftheelevatorandtoAmanda’sofficedoorIfoundmyselfbangingnotknockingandthenI

entered.Icouldn’tevenwaitforhertoaskmein.

“Why…Didn’t…You…Tellme,”IletoutasItrytofightmyurgetoscream.“Calmdown,”she

comestostandbesideherdesk.

“Tellyouwhat?”Amandatriestocalmmedown.Clearly,shehasnowideawhatI’mtalking

about.“Thathe’shere,”Iblurtoutpullingmywristbandfromovermycardigan.

Iclosemyeyesandbreathe,one,two,three.One,two,three.

“Rhettishere?”IlookoveratAmandaandfightmytears.

Whatarethetearsfor?Happinesshe’shere,sadnesshe’shere,angerthathe’shere?

“No,he’snot.”Shewalksbackofftoherseatandclickingonthemouseofhercomputer.“Which

room?”Shehastoinvestigate.

“Amanda,Isawhim,standingrightinfrontofme,he’shere,”Isnappedthebandoncemoreto

calmmyselfdown.“IhavefourroomsforaMsJohnson,”Amandalooksupatme.

“Thatmustbehismother,”Iwhisper.

HowwouldAmandaknow,IlookdownatmyhandsasIrubthemonmylegstodryoffthesweat.

“Youwantmetochangeyourroomrotation?”IhearAmandaask;Islowlyliftmyheadtolookat

her.IstayquietforamomentasIthinkaboutwhatIwanttodo.“He’saguestandabigguestatthat,ifhe
askstochangerooms,youhavetoo.”I’mnotevensureifthatwasaquestionorhope.Amandanodded.

“Sotherereallyisn’tmuchpointinpanickingisthere?”Ishakemyhead.“Howlongaretheyhere

for,doyouknow?”Iasked.

“MsJohnsonisherefortwoweeks,andtheotherthreeroom,arehereforawhile.”Hervoice

lowersasshereachestheendofthatsentence.

IknowthatoneofthemisTerrybutwhoistheotherperson?Iaskmyself.

IrubmyforeheadasImentallypreparemyselfforthenextfewweeks,it’sgoingtobehard.

“Scarlett,areyougoingtobeokay,withhimbeinghereImean?”Amandaasks,takingmeoutof

mythought,I’mtryingtofigureoutwhothefourthpersoncanbe.“Yes,Ithink,”Inodwithasmallsmile,
notevenI’mconvinced.

“Let’ssee,”Ilookattheclockandstandup.“Noahwillbewaitingforme,”Itellherchangingthe

subject.

AfterIhadleftheroffice,Ididn’tgetfar.IslumpedupagainstthewallofthehallsoIcouldpull

myshittogether.Rhettishereforawhile;Istillwanttoknowwhyheishere.Imeanifitwereformehe
wouldhavecometotheapartment,wouldn’the?

Emmasaidnothingaboutafightcomingup,butthenagain,sheonlyreallylooksatMatt’sfights,

andmaybeshewastooscaredtomentionthatRhettwouldbehere.IsupposetellingherandNoahthat
RhettishereshouldbethefirstthingIdo.

IgrabmylunchandgomeetNoahandEmma,“Hey,”IgiveNoahakiss,“Howiswork?”Iask

sittingdownnexttohim.

“Good,theyhaveaskedmetohelpwithacase,sothat’sbetterthancoffeeruns,”hesmiles

delicately.Sincehehasstarted,allhehasbeendoingisgettingeveryone'slunchandcoffee.Icouldseeit
wasgettingtohim.

“That’sgreat;youmuststartsomewhere,”Ilookathim,andrightthenheknowsIhavesomething

totellhim,Ithinkit’smyeyes-theygiveitawayeverytime.“So…Rhettisstayinghere,”ItellthemasI
dipmybreadintomysoup.

“What?”Theybothsaytogetherinunison.IlookatthembothandshrugmyshoulderasifIdon’t

care.“Haveyouspokentohim?”Emmaasksgettingherphoneoutofherpocket.

“No,Iwascleaninghisorhismother’sroom,andhewasthere.”IglanceNoah,andhecanseethe

worrythatIhaveevenifIamtryingtohideit.

“Doyouwanttotalktohim?”Noahasksinalmostawhisper.Istayquietforamomentandthink

aboutwhatIwant,“IhavenoideawhatIwantNoah,”IlookpasthimandseeRhettandhismomwalking
overtothebar.MybodyshiversasIwatchhim.

I’vemissedhimsomuchandnowhimbeinghereisjustgoingtomakeitevenhardertoforgethim.

Noahlooksatwheremyeyesare,andIquicklyputmyheaddowntomybowlofsoup.

Icandothis;Icanstayawayfromhim.

Icanfeelhimgettingcloseralreadyasmybodyheatsupthesamewayitusedto.“Noah,”Ihear

RhettsaynotlookingupIcontinueeatingmyfoodinstead.“Emma,”Iseehisshadowasheleansdownto
giveherakissonthecheek.

“Thisismymother,”headds.“Nicetomeetyou,”Noahsays,andIfinallylookupathimasIcatch

Noahofferingherhishand.

“Ihaveheardsomuchaboutyouall,mayI?”Sheasks,puttingherhandonthefreechair.Thereisa

momentofsilence,andIfeeleveryone'seyesonmewaitingformetosaysomething,butwhatamIto
say?No,andberude,yesandlistentowhattheyhavetosay.

Ihearthechairmoveandmybodyseemstohavetensedup,Emmanudgesmyelbow,andpasses

meherphone.Lookingatthearticle,RhetthasafightintwomonthsinVegas,explainswhyheishere
then.Ipassthephonebacktoherandleanbackinmychairandlookaroundthetable.

“Mate,nowonderyouwerefuckingamaidinthisplace,theyarefuckinggorgeous,”Ilookupat

themanstandingnexttoRhett,Idon’tlikehimalready;whotalkslikethatinfrontofpeoplehe'snever
met?

“ShutupJay,”Rhettbitesback.

Thebestfriend,thefourthpersonIcouldn’tputthefingeronearlier,helooksaroundthetable,and

hiseyesstoponme.

“So,you’rethebitchthatfuckedhimup,”Heaccusesme,andbeforeIcanevenanswerback,Noah

pusheshischairbackinanger.

“Don’ttalkaboutmysisterlikethat,”saidthenpusheshim.

JaygoestotakeastepclosertoNoah,butRhettgrabsJay’sarm,“You…”

“Noah,”Igrowlathimtosit,andhebacksoff.

“Youneedtogetbacktowork,”Ilookathim,andheknowswhatImean.Ican’taffordafightin

thehotel;I’malreadyonthinicewithAmandaasitis.

Noahgrabshisbackpackandwalksoverandgivemeakissonthecheek;Iliftmyarmupinstead

tohigh-fivehim.Awkward.

“TellPennytocomeoverfordinner,”Itellhim.“Seeyoulater,”hetakesanotherlookatJayand

leavessilently.

ThisdoesnotworkwellformeIcanseeabombgoingoffsoon,andNoahwillbetheoneto

explode.Aftermydownfall,NoahwassayingthingsaboutRhett;IneverthoughtIwouldhearfromhim.

Iquicklypulldownmycardigansleevesnoticingthatthebandageisvisibletoalltosee.“Have

youworkedherelong?”Rhett’smotherasks.Iturntofaceher,“Afewyears,MsJohnson.”Ianswer
quickly.IlookoveratJaywhohasnottakenhiseyesoffmesincejoiningthetable.

“MsJohnson,”shelaughs,“PleasecallmeHelen.”

“Whythefuckareweinthishotelifthisiswheresheworks?”Jayblurtsout.AquestionevenI

wantedtobeanswered.

Whyaretheyhere?

“ThishotelhassomethingIwantback,”Rhettsays,anditmakesmelookathim,hiseyesare

burningintomine,pleadingwithme

Iknowhewantsmetogivehimanotherchance.Allwe’regoing

todoistalk.

Ionlywishheknewhowmuchhewaskillingmebybeinghere.

“Ifshebreaksyouagain,Iswearitwillbethelastfuckingthingshedoes,”hiswordswereharsh,I

brokehim?

JayleansonthetableandturnstoRhett,whisperingsomethingintohisear.Emmanudgesme,a

greatwaytobreakmyeyecontactwithRhett.

“Seeyouinabit,”Itellher,andwebothstandup.Iknowthatshewon’tstaytherewithoutme,she

isn’tabouttotellRhetthowbadhisleavingaffectedmeeither.

IwalkingovertoEdandIgivehimakissonthecheek,“Howareyou?”heasksme,Isighand

leanonthereceptiontable.“Rhett’sback,”Ilookovertowheretheyareallsitting,andRhett’seyesare
stillwatchingme.

“Sonotthebest.”HesaysandIlookbackathim.“Haveyouspokentohimyet?”Edmurmur.

“Ican’t,”IamholdingbackthetearsI’vebeenholdinginforsometime,butIdidn’tdoagoodjob

ofitbecauseoneescapedmeandfellontomycheek.AsIswipeditaway,Isay,“It’sstupid.Iwanttobe
withhimagain,butIcan’t.”

IseemovementfromthecornerofmyeyeandseeRhettwalkingawayfromthetablewesatat.

“AAmeetingtonight?”Edremindsme,andInod,Ineedtotalkaboutthiswithsomeoneanyway.

“Seeyoutonight?”Edisaskingarhetoricalquestion;heknowsI’mcoming.

IjustgivehimahugandwalktowardsthestaffroomwhenHelenstopsme.Shedoesn’tsay

anything,inparticular,shejustwipesthetearsfrommycheeksandlandsakissinitssteadbeforeleaving
me.Istandthereforamomentwonderingwhatthehellthatwasabout.

Icontinuedwithmyshiftanddidn’tseeRhettagainfortherestofthedaywhichIwashappyabout.

Emmakeptgivingmethelook.The‘IwanttoaskyouaquestionbutIwon’tbecauseyouwillbitemy

headoff ’typeoflook.I’mhappyshedidn’taskmeanything,Idon’tevenhaveanswersforthequestions
runningaroundinmyownheadaboutRhett.

***

Standingfrommychair,Igreetthegroup,“Hello.MynameisScarlett,andI’manalcoholic,”I

lookaroundateachoneoftheirfaces,someinwhichagedrightbeforemyeyes,thestressandstrainof
someofthesemiserableliveswhichdrovethemtodrinkintriguedmemost.Ifeltlikeafailure,aphony,
theirlives,andstoriessomuchworsethanmine.AndhereIwas…

“So,whatcanIsaythatyouhavenotalreadyheardbefore?ImessedupjustwhenIthought

everythingwasgood.Yes,Edishelpingme,andAmandabelievesinme,I’mstudyingnow,soIhave
somethingtoworkfor,thenBAMyoufeellostagain.”Afewcoughsandafidgetychairwasheardamong
thembutnosympathy.Noonecared.

Theymustbeboredofme.

“RhettisbackinVegas,”Iadd,andnowyoucanhearapindrop,it’sthatquietesttheroomhas

everbeen,andnowIhadeveryone'sattention-alleyesonme.

“Hemadeacommenttodaytohisfriendthatthishotelhassomethinghewants,nowweallknow

whatthatmeans,butthereasonIbrokeupwithhimhasnotchanged,”Ilookdownforamoment.“Idon’t
knowwhattodo.”

Ilookatthegroup,hopingsomeonewillgivemeananswer,someadvice,anything.

“Giveittime.Soonyouwillknowwhattodo,andRhettmightevenbebacktotalktoyou,”Jack

speaksout.Finally,someone.“Idon’tthinkI’mreadytospeaktoRhettyet;Istillfeelhurthedidn’tfight
forus,”ItellJack.

“Giveittime;itgetseasier.Promise.”Herubsmyarmforsupport,andIsitbackdowninthe

comfortofmychair.Jackstandsinmystead.

IsRhettheretotalk?Finally,willhesharehisdemonswithme?Orisheonlyheretobewithme

whilehetrainsandwilljustleaveassoonasthefightisover?CanIworkinthehotelfortwomonths
whileheisthere?CanIseehimtalkingtoanothergirl?Kissinganothergirl?WhatthehellamI
goingtodo?Mybrainisonovertime.

Chapter3

Clockingintowork,Ijointhegirl’smid-conversationsabouttheirweekendplans.Theyaredoing

theirusualclubbing;Adam’sclubistheirregularhotspotsinceithasopened.WhenIspoketoAdam
aboutit-hesaidhewashappywithhowtheclubwasgoing,gettingbusiereverynight.Heaskedmeto
comeandhavealook,butwhenhefoundoutaboutmydrinkingproblem,hesaidIwouldonlybeallowed
therewhenitisclosedandwithhim.Itmademelaugh,andIwhisperedtohimthathewasoverthinkingit,
ItoldhimwhenIwasgoingthroughabadtimesoIcanunderstandwhyhereactedthewaythathedid.

Heshouldbeheretoday,notsurehowIfeelaboutthatnow,knowingRhettishere,though.Whatis

Rhettgoingtothink?DoIevencare?I’mlosingtheplotherethinkingabouteverythingsomuch;Ineed
totakeastepbackfromthethinkinganddomyjobbygettingstartedontheroomsthatI’massignedto
clean.

RhettwasoutwhenIgottohisroom,thankgodforthat.Notsurehowbeinginaroomalonewith

himwouldworkforme.Imeanmybodyalreadyheatsupwhenhe'saroundme,justbeingalonewithhim
isgoingtobehard.Next,hismother’sroom.

Knock

Shit!Ithinkasthedooropens.

“Sorry,Icancomeback,”ItellHelenstandingatthedoor.“No,comein,”sheopensthedoor

widerforme.Islowlywalkinwiththebathroomcleaningproductandgetrighttoit.Iheadstraightthere
notgivingHelenachancetoaskmeanythingwhilewe’realone.

Iintendedtobeinandoutofthereinnotimeatall.However,Icomeoutafterspendingmoretime

thanIneededto.IknowIcan’thideinthereforever,Ijustwantedto,Idreadedfacingher.Irushtothe
carttoputthecleaningproductsaway,takingadeepbreathIbringinthecleanbedsheetsandgettowork
onthebed.

“Howareyou,Scarlett?I’mnotaskingaboutRhett,butyou,”Helenfinallycatchesme.Ihearthe

worryinhervoice,anditconcernsevenme.Remindsmeofwhatarealcaringmotherwouldbelike.I
knowRhetthastoldhereverythingaboutme–it’sobvious.

“AswellasIcanbe,”Ianswersimplyandcontinuewiththebed.DeepdowninsideI’msaying

‘I’mstrongenoughtofightmydemons,butIdon’tthinkI’mstrongenoughtostayawayfromRhett.’

“WhenRhettcamebacktoEnglandhewasamess;I’veneverseenhimsolost.Itoldhimhewas

anidiotforlettingyougo.”Helenwasbrutallyhonest,andItriedveryhardnottocryinfrontofher.Just
thethoughtofRhettbeingbrokenandlostbecauseofmehurtlikehell.

Ifinishedthebedandturnedaroundtofaceher;IwasstartledwhenIsawTerrystandingnextto

her.Whendidhecomein?

“HeyTerry,”IsaidawkwardlyasIwenttowalkpassedthem.Terrygentlytuggedonmyarmand

gavemeakissonthecheck.

Iwastakenaback;Ineverexpectedthat.

“YoulookbetterthansomeoneIknow,”TerrylooksatHelen,andshefrownsathim,“Wellshe

does,”hetellsher,andsheelbowshimintheside.IsmileandletoutalittlegiggleasIwatchthemboth.

“Youtwoarecute,”ItellthemasIpickupthesheetsfromthechairinthecorner.“Sohowlong

haveyoutwobeendating?”IaskasIthrowthesheetsinthecartandlookovertheroomtomakesureit’s
tidy.

“We…no…youhave…”Ismileddeeplyatthemboth,“Thatanswersmyquestion.”

TheybothlookworriedasIadd,“Iwon’tsayanything.”MysmileslowlydissolvesasIseeRhett

walkinginthroughthedoorbehindthem.“Youlookmorebeautifulwhenyousmile,Sweetheart,”Rhett
saysashestandsnexttohismom.

JusthearingthewordSweetheartfromhislipssendsashiverthroughmybody.

Isigheddeeply,andhebeginstowalktowardsme.“Itmightjustbeme,butIthinkthatitisway

toohottobewearingthiscardigan,”Rhett'sfingertracestheinnerhemofmysleeve,andIflinch,“So,
whatareyouhidingunderhere?”Heasks.

Idon’tlookathimbecauseIknowthatassoonasIdoandIlookintothosebeautifuleyesofhis,I

willlosewhatlittlecontrolIstillhaveovermyemotions.

“Nothing,justbeenillthelastfewdays,”IlieasIwalkaroundhim,butIdon’tgetfar,hetugsmy

armtostopmeinmytracks.“IknowyoubetterthanyouknowyourselfSweetheart,”Rhettinsinuates,and
he’sright,hedoesknowmebetterthanIknowmyself.That’swhyImusthidethisfromhim.ButIcan’t.
Hepullsmyarmclosertohimandpullsupthesleeve,pushingmyarmdown,hegrabstheotherandlooks
atit.It’sthesame.Hisfrowngoesdeep.

“I’msorry,”hewhispers,Ifeelthehurtradiatefromhim,anditpullsatmyheart.Isaynothingbut

pullmyarmbackoutofhisgripandcovermyarmsagainwithmysleeves.Rhettgoestosaysomething
butstopsasmyphonerings.

Saved!

“Hello,”Ianswerthephoneandlookawayfromhim.Igoclosertothewindow,abetter

distraction.“Scarlett,thoughtwewerehavinglunch?”

Adam!Shit!

Igroaninwardly.I’dbetherebynowifsomeonehadn’tbeendistractingmefrommyjob.Iwould

havecleanedtheroomsbynow.

“Haveyoucheckedin?”Iasked.“Yes.”

Oh,mygod!

“Emmashouldbethere,I’vejustfinishedmylastroom,meetyouinabit,”ItellhimasIhangup

thephone.Ifeellikeshit.Withoutanymoredistractions.InoticethatHelenandTerryhaveleft-leaving
mestandingintheroomalonewithRhett.Ithankthemsilentlyandmakemyintentionstoleavesooner

ratherthanlater.

“Areyoumeetingsomeoneforlunch?”Rhettasksfrombehindme.

Whyishedoingthis?Whywon’thesayIwilltalktoyouandwecanmovepastthis?Whyhashe

gottobesodifficult?

“Yes,afriend,”Ilefthimstandingthere,andIwent.Icouldn’twaitanylonger;IhadtomeetEmma

andAdam.Ican’tbelievepeoplebreakupwithsomeonewhentheyfeelsostronglyforthem,someone
thattheyhavesomuchofaconnectionwith.Ithurtssomuch,aholeinyourheartthatnomatterwhatyou
doitwillneverfillup.ImeanIhaveonlyhadoneboyfriendinmylife,butonethingisforsureIwon’t
behavinganotherone.ThereisnowayIwanttofeellikethisagain.

***

IgreetAdamwithakissonthecheek,andIsitdownnexttoEmma.Iputmyheaddownonthe

tableandmumbled,“Rhett’shere,”Itellthemboth.“Emmatoldme.Youdon’tlooklikeyouareokay
withit,”Adamrubsmybackforsupport.

“Youneverknow,hemighthavesomethingtosaytoyou,”hesuggested.“Then,whyhasn’the?”I

raisedmyheadandlookedathim.Thesilentresponseansweredmyquestion.

“Sohowistheclubdoing?”Ichangedthesubjectfornow.

Ican’tkeepdoingthistomyself;I'vegotastoptalkingabouthim;I’mgoingcrazyoverhere.Ihave

afeelingthathisstayherewilldothattome;it’sgoingtobea‘stalkScarlettasmuchasIcanuntilshe
givesmeanotherchance’situationIthink.

“Good,veryhappywithit.Iflyouttomorrowmorning,IhavetogotoEnglandtoseeifIcanopen

aclubthere,”Adamthanksthewaiterforhisfood,andbeginstoeat.“Lookatyou.‘Ihavetoflyto
England’likeit’saneverydaythingforyou,”Emmasaysmakingmelaughather.

“Richpeople’slives,”Iaddsarcastically.

“Thisisthefriend?”Tomysurprise,IlookuptoseeRhettstandingoverme;heseemspissed,and

Idon’tknowwhy.

JayandTerryhavealsoaccompaniedhimtoo,whichI’mnotevensurprisedaboutifI’mhonest,

theyseemtogoeverywherewithhim.

Jaygivesmeasmallacknowledgingnod;Terryappearstobetheonlysmartonehereashepulls

Rhettbacksohecan’tcauseascene.Butofcourse,Rhettstandsfirmlyinhisspot.Unwillingtomove.

“Yes,”IturnbacktoAdamandignoreRhett.

“So,youcametoVegasforonenightjust…”ThenI’minterrupted,“Youbreakupwithme,justso

youcanjumpback…”ThenI’mtheonewhointerruptshimbeforehefinisheshissentence.

“IwouldthinkbeforeyoufinishthatlineRhett,”Iscowlathim,andIfeelmyheartbreakeven

more.HowcouldhethinkthatIwouldleavehimandstartdatinganotherguysosoon?Ever!Ican’t

believehethinksthatlittleofme.

“In…bed…with…him.”Rhettspitsoutthewordslikeadaggerisstickingintohisheart,butthat

daggerishurtingmesomuchmore.Icanfeelitslowlypushingin.“ItoldyouonceifyoueverhurtherI
wouldcomebackforher,”Adamlaysdaggersathim.

Thankyou,Adam,that'sallIneedyoutosaytopisshimoffevenmore.

Rhettlooksoveratme,waitingformetosaysomethingandboyhaveIgotafewchoicewordsto

say.“Iamnotsleepingwith,norhaveIsleptwithAdamsincewebrokeup.Ionlycamebacktowork
yesterday,”IaeratebeforegoingbacktomyconversationwithAdamandEmmabeforeRhettturnedup.

Howdarehethinksolowofme,he’stheonebeinganass.

Rhettsitsatthetablenexttoours,andhesitssohecanlookstraightatme.Iignoredtheintense

starecomingfromhimandlistenedtoAdamtalkingabouthisclubideasforEngland.

“So,youareprettymuchoutallday?”Iask,finishingmysoup.“Yes,that'swhyIthoughtlunch

wouldbeniceasIwon’tseeyouuntiltheendofthemonth,”

Adamgetscloserlikehe’sabouttowhispersomethingtome,“Areyouokay?”IsenseRhett

lookingover,Iwondercanhehearwhatwearetalkingabout.Iturntolookoverathim,andhe’sstaring
atme.

“Iwillbe,”ItellAdamandRhettifhe’soverhearingmeasIlookbacktoAdamgivinghimmyfull

attention.“Ifhewantstotalk,itwouldmakethiseasier.”Ismileathim,tryingtomakemyselffeelbetter
aboutthesituation.Iknowit’swishfulthinking,Imeanhe’sseenmeenoughtimestotalktomeandhe
hasn’t.

“Pleasecallme,”Adamstandsup,andIfollowhimtothereceptionarea.“Ifyouneedtotalk,or

evenifyouneedtogetyourmindawayfromthings,”heleansinandplantsakissonmycheek.

“Iwill-thanks,”Ismileandnodasheleavesthehotel.

IturntowalktothestaffroomandmeetRhettblockingmypath.“Ihavetogetbacktowork,”Itake

asteptotherightashecopiesmymoves.“RhettI’monmylastwarningwithAmandapleaseletme
pass,”IbeghimtounderstandthatIneedtogetbacktowork.

“Why,whathappened?”Heasksishissexy,soothingvoice.HisstupidsexyBritishaccent.“You,

that’swhathappened.Ishouldneverhavebrokenmy‘one-night’rule,”Iblurtpoutathim,thenlooktothe
floorwithfear,notwantingtolookhimintheeyesoratthatbeautifulfacewhileItoldhimthetruth.He’d
almostcertainlyownme.

Rhettpullsmyheadupwithonefingerundermychin;heknowsthiswillwinhimpoints.

EspeciallyifIlookathim.

“IlovedeverysecondwithyoubecauseIloveyou.Istillloveyou.”Hewhispersmovingincloser

tome.

Mystomachisgoingcrazywithemotion.ThesefeelingsIhadalmostforgotabout.Theyallcome

floodingbackthemomenthetouchesme.InstantlytakingastepbackfromhimIrecoil.

“Sweetheart,whathappened,foryoutoonlycomebacktoworkyesterday?”Heistryinghisbest

togetmydemonsoutintheopenwhilehedistractsmefromtalkingabouthisown.ThankfullyIsee
Amandalookingatme,andthere’smyescape.

“Shit,Ihavetogo.”IhurrypastRhettandmakemywaytowardsthestaffroomandtowards

Amanda.“Sorry,”IapologizeimmenselyasIapproach.“Howarewe?”Amandaasks.

Istopinmytracksandgiveherasmile,“Good,”Iwisheveryonewouldstopaskingmethat

question,theyallknowthatI’mnotokaywithRhettbeinghere,butthereisnothingIcandoaboutit,but
domyjob.

Afterafewcleanrooms,IgoandmeetEmmainthelaundryroom,“WhatshouldIdo?”Iburstin

unannounced.Ineedhelp,advice,someonetosayquityourjobandfindanewonewherethereisno
Rhett.ButIdon’tgetmuchshecouldhavejustaseasilyhavesaidanyofthat,butinstead,allshesaid
was,“YouknowverywellIcan’tanswerthatforyou,”Emmacontinuestofoldthetowels.

“Butonethingisforsure,Rhettwantsyouback,andifhehadhisway,hewouldhavefuckedyou

inthereceptionarea.”Emmaisbrashbuthonest.“Youcanfeelthesexualtensionrollingoffhim,”Emma
addswithalaugh.

“Thanksfortheadvice,”Ithrowatowelather,soitlandsonherface.“So,anynewswhenMatt

willbehere??”Iaskonceagaindoingmyfavoritebychangingthesubject.

“Tomorrownight.I’msoexcited,I’mgoingshoppinglatertobuymyselfsomethingsexy,”she

smilesatme,andallIcanthinkaboutismakingamentalnotetomakeplansfortomorrownightmyself.

“ImightaskEdifIcancomeovertostudythere,”Itellher,justseeingRhettisalreadymakingme

feelreadytojumpinbedwithhim,solisteningtothemhavingamazingsexallnightwillnothelpme.

“Yourchoice,”sheshrugshershoulderandtakesoutthetowelsfromthedryerthathasjust

stopped.“So,mylovelifeisamazing,let’sgetbacktoyours,”Emmaturnsbackaroundwithasmile.“I
wanttoslapyou,”Iteaseherandshelaughs.

“Thereisnothingtosay,hewon’ttalk,andIwon’tjumpinbedwithhimuntilhedoes.Imeanmy

demonsarefuckedup,andIcanjustaboutgetthroughmyhell.Ican’twalkthroughhisunlessIknow
whatitis.”IstoptalkingasIseeAmandawalkintotheroom.

“MsJohnsonhasorderedfood,takeitupplease,”Amandaordersme.“Scarlett,Icanseewhatyou

want,followtheheart,”Amazingadded,shemusthaveheardourconversation.

AsIwalktothekitchentogetMsJohnson’sorder,IthinkaboutAmanda’swords,eventhough

nothingwillchangeuntilRhetttalks.It’salluptohimnow.Igettothekitchen,andI’mgreetedbynotjust
anorderlikeaplateorsomethingbutatrolleyoffood;thatmeanstheyareallthere.

Great!

Iwalkoutoftheserviceelevatorandtoherroomdoor,IstopasIseethemotherofallbitches,

CeCe.IrolledmyeyesandkeptmyheaddownasIpushedthetrolleytoHelen’sroom.WhenIknocked
onthedoor,itinstantlyopened.Iputonmybestsmileandrollthetrolleyintotheroom,andI’mstopped
asCeCecomesoutofnowhereandstandsnexttome.

“Iwarnedyouthatthefallwouldhurt,”shesaidsharplywithherhandonherhips,“didithurt?”

sheadds.

“CeCethat'senough,youneedtoleave,”Helengivesheratasteofherownmedicinewithher

sharptongue.“Iaskedaquestion;shebrokehim.Iwanttoknowifthefallhurtasmuchasitdidhim,”
ShefoldsherarmsoverherchestiflookscouldkillthenIwouldbedeadrightnow.

“FuckoffCeCe,”IhearRhett’svoice,makingmelookoverathimashecomesintothescene;he’s

staringdirectlyatCeCeashepullsthetrolleyintotheroomthenturnshisattentiontome.“Comein
Sweetheart,”hemovestotheside,waitingformetocomeinvoluntarily.

“Onceyouhavefinished,calldown,andIwillcomeforthetrolley,”IlookoveratHelenandturn

toleave,IwassosurprisedwhenRhettgrabbedmyarmandpulledmeintotheroomagain.“Justhearme
out,”hisvoicebecamealittleloudermakingsureIhearhimright.

“Talktomeplease,thesilenttreatmentistheonepunishmentthatIcannothandle,especiallyfrom

you.”Igiveinandwalkfurtherintotheroom.AsIgetclosertoTerryandJay,Iprovidethemwitha
smile;asIstoppedRhettbumpsintomefrombehind.

“Keepwalking,”hepointstothebedroom,andIgentlymoveover.Closingthedoorbehindhim

Rhettstaresatme,ohIwishhewoulddowhatheisthinkingrightnow.God,whatamIthinking?

“Ihavetogetback;I’malreadyonmylastwarning,”Iremindhimeventhoughit’smoreofan

excuse.“Whathappenedaftermyfight?”Hetakesastepcloser,andItakeoneback.

“WhyisitIhavetotellyoueverythinginmylife,butyouclosemeofftoyours,”Ipoked,refusing

totellhimanythingaboutmytwoweeksuntilheopensupaboutsomethingwithhim.

“Sweetheart…”

“It’sScarlett.Youdon’tgettocallmethatanymore,”Icuthimoff.HearingRhettcallme

Sweetheartisnothelpingme.Iknowhe’ssayingitinaloving,caringway,butIdon’twantthat,Ineed
himtobeanasshole.

Heletsoutasmallchuckle,“Nomatterwhatyousay;youwillalwaysbemySweetheart.Youwill

alwaysbemylove,andyouwillalwaysbetheoneIlove.”

Crap.

Ifoundmyselfwalkingcloser-hishandcarefullyplacedonmyhipastheothermovedtoremovea

pieceofhairawayfrommyface.“Givemeachance.Iwilltalk.Justgivemeonechance.”Heleanshis
foreheadagainstmine,“Ineedyoubymyside;youaremymissingpiece,”hewhispersmovinghislipsto
myneckandplantingagentlekiss.

“Rhett,ItoldyouIwouldn'tbeputinaplacewhereIwilllosemyself,andIlostmyself,Ineedto

findmyselfagain,”IfightagainsthischarmandtakeastepbackfromhimbeforeIcompletelylose

myself.Histouchisalreadymakingmefeelbetter,butIdon’twanttorelyonRhetttomakemehappyI
needtodothisforme.

WhenIreachthedoorandopenit,Helen,Terry,andJayallstarttalking;Iknowtheywere

listening,theyaren’tthebestactors.“Dinner?Justgivemesomethingtoholdontoo,andIwon’tletit
go,”Rhettsaysashefollowsmeoutoftheroom.“Ihaveplanstonight,”ItellhimasIwalkpastthemall
andleave.IglanceTerryonthewayandgivehimasmile.I’vealwayslikehim;hisisthenicestmanI
thinkI’vemet.

“IcanpickyouupafteryourAAmeeting,”Rhettquicklyopensthedoorformestillhedginghis

bets,“Please.”Hebegs,andIstopandlookathim.

“Idon’tknowhowlongitwilllast,soIwillcallyou,”ItellhimandofcourseIlied,Idon’thave

anAAmeetingtonight;I’mstudyingwithEd,butIdon’twantRhettknowingI’mstudyingorthatI’mwith
Ed.ButIhaven’teventoldNoahthatI’mstudyingyet.IamnotreadytobealonewithRhettanywaysoas
muchasIwanttobewithhim,Ineedtogetmyheadarounditall.Ineedtotrusthewilltalkandnotjust
dragitoutagainlikehedidbefore.

Chapter4

Rhettcalledmeafewtimeslastnight,butIsentthemtovoicemail.Mycoursehasstarted,andI

neverthoughtitwouldbesomuchwork,tobeginwith.GratefulthatEdistheretohelp,andheletsme
usehislaptopwhichisaplusforme.Idon’thavetospendsomuchtimeinthelibrary.Istartedworkon
oneassignmentlastnight,andEdsaidhewouldbringoversomeoftheprintoutsformelatertodaysoI
canworkmoreonittonight.

Mymorningwentbysofast,IhadnoruninwithRhettorhisfriends,butevenIknowthatitwillbe

shortlived.OnethingIhavedecidedthoughisIwillnotrunawayfromhim,Iwilltalktohim,ifheasks.
Ican’tavoidhimfortwomonths,andthewayhemakesmefeelthereisnooneelseIwanttomakeme
feelthisway.

ItoldEdthatIwouldmeethiminthereceptionareaatlunchtime,soIwalkoutofthestaffroom,

andIhearmynamebeingcalledfrombehindme.IlookingoverandseeHelenwalkingovertome;Igoto
meetherhalfway.

“Joinusforlunch,”Sheinvitesme.Ilookaroundthetablenotseeinganyoneelsetherewhenshe

adds,“Theywillbedowninaminute.”shesayswithagentlesmile.

“Ihavetomeetsomeone,”IgiveherasmileasIseeEdwalkingintothehotel.“Thankyouforthe

offer,maybenexttime,”Itellherandwalkovertomeethim.

“Hey,thanksforbringingtheseforme,”Isayputtingthepapersintomybag.Edislikethebig

brotherIneverhad,hisalwayssupportingme.“Iwillgetstartedtonight.Youokaytostillreadover
everythingforme?”Iaskhim.

“Yes,Iwantyoutodothis.Iwillpushyouuntilyoufinish,”hesmiles.“Iwillletyouhaveyour

lunch,”EdgivesmeahugandkissonthecheekandturnstoleavewhenasiflikefateRhettappearsout
ofnowhere.

“Getoffher,”IturntoseeRhettpushingEd.Hesteppedinbetweenusandthensuddenlypunches

Edintheface.

Oh,myGodwhathasgottenintohim.

“Whatareyoudoing?”IpushRhettbackashetakesastepclosertoEd,notansweringme,“Get

outofhere,Iwilltalktoyousoon.”Ipushmyfingerintohischest.

IturnaroundandhelpEdbackuponhisfeet.“I'msosorryEd,notsurewhatthehellthatwasfor.”

Itakeatissueoutofmybagandplaceitonhiscutlip.“Thatwasamanwhoisjealousthathisex-
girlfriendishuggingsomeoneelse,”hesmilesenthralledwiththis.

“Callmetonight,”headdsbeforeleavingme.“Iwouldputiceonthat,”Ipointtohislip,andhe

nodsasheleaves.

Iturnaround,andmyeyeslockonRhett,IshakemyheadasIwalkovertothetableandsitdown

nexttoTerry.“Icanexplain,”Rhettpullshischairclosertome,“Areyousleepingwithhim?”heasksme

first.

“Youdon’tgettoaskmeastupidquestionlikethat.ThatisEd,myAAsponsor;nowhehastogo

homeandexplaintohiswifeandtwodaughtersthatsomedickpunchedhimintheface,”Ilookathimas
hehangshisheaddowninshame.

Overreactmuch.

“Onetoten,howpissedareyou?”Rhettlooksbackupatme.HeknowsmetoowelltoknowthatI

don’tliketofight.“Oh,itiswaypastten,”Itellhimandfoldmyarmsacrossmychest.Ilookoverat
Terry,“Canyounotknocksomesenseintohim?”Iasked.

“Sweetheart,theonlypersonwhocankeephimincheck…”Terrybeganuntilsherudely

interruptedhim!“Rhett,areyouokay?”CeCerunsovertoRhett’sside.IlookoveratJaywhohasalook
ofdisgustonhisface,andIrealizethathemaynotbesobadafterall.

“FuckoffCeCe,”Rhettshoutsather;evenmakingmejumpwithshock.“Thereceptionistcalled

me,sayingthatmyhusbandgotintoafight,”thosewordsjustrolledoutofhermouth,andIfoundmyself
lookingstraightathim!

Isitupstraightinmychair,hopingthiswasanotheroneofherlies.Keepittogether;Itellmyself.

Don’tletherwin,shewantsyoutogetpissedoff,shewantsyoutofeelthepain.

“Ihaveaverygood…”

“Howlonghaveyoubeenmarried?”IaskCeCe,notlookingatRhett.Ican’tevenlookathim;I’m

thathurt.Somethingtellsmethatsheisn’tmakingthisupbecauseRhettisn’tsayinganything.

Howdarehegetmadatmeforhavingguyfriendswhenhemarriedthat…Bitch…Ithought.

IwasgoingthroughheartbreakbeforebutnothatwasnothingcomparedtothepainI’mfeeling

now.Before,IwasjustsadatlosingRhett,butnowIknowItrulyhavelosthimandthereisnogetting
himback.Icanfeelmyheartbreakingintwo.Iwantadrinksobad,butIknowifIgiveintotemptationI
willloseeverything.NowIknowwhathewashidingfromme.

IreachformywristandrealizethatIforgotmybandandinsteadstartflickingapenlightlyagainst

thetabletocalmmynerves.“Wegotmarriedafterhisfight,”CeCeanswersplacingherhandonhis
shoulder,andRhettpushesitoff.Everyonelooksatme,waitingformetosaysomething.Idon’teven
knowwhattosay.

Flickingthepenonthetablesomemore,notbreakingeyecontactwithCeCeforlovenomoney,I

thinkaboutwhatIshouldsayordo.IturnandseeHelen,andIsmileandsay,“Youmustbeveryhappy,
I’msureyou’llgetgrandkidssoon.”IcanseesheisjustasannoyedasRhettisandveryunhappywithher
daughter-in-law.

Rhettslamshishanddownonthetable,“Iamnotmarriedtoher,shegotmewhenmyworldhad

fallenaroundme,andIwasweak,”Rhettgoestograbmyhand,butImoveitawayfromhim.“Whyare
youstillhere?You’vedonethedamagenowfuckoff,”heyellsatCeCe,butshestaysput.

Ileanbackinmychair,andIseeEmmawalkingovertous,I’msoangryIdon’tknowwhybutthe

firstthingIdoissay,“Hey,CeCegotmarried,”IsmileatEmmaalthoughitwasn’tasmileitwasmore
likeasnarl.“God,whoistheunluckybastard?”shesmirksaroundthetable.

“Rhett,”Ianswersincenoonepluckeduptheballstosayanything.Irefusetolookathim!Iso

hurt,thisisworsethanbefore.“What?”Emmaexplodes.

“Weneedtotalk,”shepointstoRhett.“I’msorrytosaythisrightnow,butAmandagotacallfrom

thehospital;Noah’sbeenbeatenup,”shewhispersintomyear.Mywholebodytenses,andIthinkIlost
allthecolorfrommyfacelikeIwasdrainedoflife.

IstoodupandgrabbedmybagandwalkedtothereceptionareawithEmma.“Whathappened?”I

asktuggingonherarmandthengorummagingthroughmybagformyinsurancecard,justincaseIneed
it.

Ifeelmybodyabouttobreakdownonme,andEmmarubsmyarm,“Scarlett.Amandatoldmeto

giveyouthis,andnottocometoworktomorrow,”Shehandsmeacopyofmyinsuranceinformation;I
throweverythingintomybagatonce.“Iwillcallyou,”ItellherasIrunoutthehotel.

WhowouldwanttohurtNoah?Hekeepshimselftohimself.Whywashenotatwork?

***

StandingoutsideNoah’shospitaldoor,Icanseehimlyingonthebedunconscious.InoticePenny

athissideholdingontohishandasifhemightnotwakeup.Whatthehellhappened?

Ifindthecouragetowalkinsideandovertohim.Iexaminehimcloselyitbringstearstomyeyes,

“Havethedoctorsbeenin?Whathappened?”Iaskhergently,chokingbackthetears.“Thedoctorswon't
speaktome,I’vebeenwaitingforthemtocomebackbuttheyhaven’t.Theonedoctorwashereonceand
gothimtosleep,butnothingfromanyonesince.”Pennycriessolemnly.

“Scarletthisinsurancehasn’tevenstartedyet,”Shecriesharder,wipingawayhertears.“He’son

myinsurance,andyoudon’tworryaboutanyofthis,”Itellher.

“Hesaidyouwouldunderstand?”Sheasksquestionably.“Whodid?”Iask.

HowthehellwouldIunderstandsomeonebeatingmybrotherup.

“ThemanthatdidthistoNoah.Hesaidhedidthisbecauseofyou,”shescowledatmeasshe

handsmeanenvelope.IrealizeasItakeitthatit’sfromherthatsheblamesmeforwhathappenedto
Noah,eventhoughIhavenoideawhatisgoingon.It’swrittenalloverherface.

ItakethenoteoutandalmostchokeasIreadit...

Iwantarematch.Z

“I...Iwilljustcheckwiththedoctor,”AwhisperisallIcanmanage.

Ican’tbelievehehasdonethisjusttohaveanotherfightwithRhett.Whydidhenotjustgoto

him?

Ileavetheroomwithshakinghands,asImakemywaytothenurse'sstation.Iplacetheenvelope

onthecounter,andlookatthenursesittingatthecomputer,“Whenwillthedoctorseemybrother?”I
askedher.Shedidn’tlookatmeatall;shejustcontinuedwhatshewasdoingwiththecomputer,andthen
withherfreehandpassesaclipboardtome.

Ifrownedangrily,“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion?”Iscowledher;Ilookeddownattheclipboard

wonderingwhyshehasgivenittomeandit’sclear.“Doyouhaveinsurance?”shefinallyspoketome.

“Yes,ofcourse,Ido.Mybrotheriscoveredundermine,andIwillsortouttherest.”Iemptymy

bagonthefloor,tofindmycardonceagain.Movingthingsaround,Ifinditandslamitdownonthe
counterjoltingthenursetolife.“Here.”

Shetookmycardfrommeandsmirked,thenshelooksbackonthecomputerandbeginstotype,

“ScarlettParker?”shelooksuptome,andInod.“Iwillpagethedoctorandlethimknowthatyouare
here.Inthemeantime,ifyoucanfillouttheformandhe’llbewithyoushortly,”TheNursepushesthe
clipboardtomeagainandgivesmeanotheroneofhersmirksbeforeturningtothecomputer.

“Buthowlong?Cansomeoneatleasttellmewhyhe’snotwakingup.”Myvoicegetsalittle

louder,slammingofthecardearlier.

“Thedoctorwillbewithyoushortly.Nowallyouhavetodoisfill…”Andthatwasallshewas

gettingout,"Iwillnotfillthisinuntilsomeonetellsmewhatishappening,”Istophermid-sentence.If
lookscouldkill,she’dbedead.

IhaveneverhadtoseeNoahlikethisinmyentirelife.Thiswastorment.Imadeitmynumberone

jobtomakesurehewasalwayssafe,andnowIcan’tevendothatright.

“Youneedtofillthisout,”sheholdstheboardinfrontofme.Thebitchisn’tlettingup,soIsnatch

itoutofherhandwhenwe’rebothinterruptedbyanotherpresenceinthisheateddebate.“Shewillfillit
out,thankyou.”RhetttakestheboardfrommyhandasIlookathim.Hiseyeswithsuchdetermination
he’surgingmetostepdownandwalkaway.

Iswingaroundinafitofangerandknockmybagoutontothefloor.I’mdownpickingitup,

throwingeverythingbackinunceremoniously.WhenI’mdone,IgettomyfeetandlookdirectlyatRhett.

“Sweetheart,whathappened?”hisvoicesendsashiverthroughme,Idon’twanthimhere,Ican’t

havehimhere.Isighandnoticeoverhisshoulderthatit’snotonlyhimhere,buthisbloodymother,Jay
andTerryarealsoheretoo.

Greatthat'sallIneed,forthemalltobehere.

Iwalktowardsthechairsleftofthenurse'sstation;there’sawaitingroomjustbeyondthedoor,

andIheadforsomeprivacywhileIfillinthesedamnforms.Andofcourse,theyallfollowme.

AndbeforeIforget…

Ishuffleinmybagandgrabtheenvelope,“Terry,youmightwanttosortthisout,”ItellhimasI

handittohim.Hefrownsashetakesitandinvestigatesitscontents.Rhettisathissideinmoments,also
intriguedtoknowwhatIhavehandedhim,whileIgetdownontheseforms.

Ishakemyheadtoanumberofstupidquestionstheyareaskingme.Imeansomeonejustneedsto

comeinandtellmewhatthehelliswrongwithmybrother,that’smoreimportant.I’mdistractedbyTerry
andRhettdiscussingtheletter,butatthemomentIcan’tbeworryingaboutthatwhenIhaveotherthingsto
worryaboutinstead.

“Scarlett,talktome.”IlookupatRhett,nowallIseeishurtinhiseyes.Hecan’tfeelthehurtI

am.Knowinghe’smarriedtoCeCeandnowthis!

Ijustshakemyheadathimindisappointment.

“Itwouldbealotfuckingbetterifyouwouldshoutatme,orevenhitme,dosomething…

anything.”Rhettbegs.“WhywouldIdothat?”Iaskhimcasually;Idon’tseehowthatwouldhelp
anything.

“Itwouldshowmehowangryyouactuallyare,”Ilaughathim,“YouthinkI’mangry?I’mnotangry

I'mhurt.Mefightingwithyouwillnotchangeanything;itwillnotrewindtwoweeks.Whydon’tyoutalk
tome?Whydidn’tyoucomeknockingonmydoor?Yousayyoujustwanttotalktomeallthetime;you
askmetogiveyouachance,butnoneofthatmattersnowdoesit,Rhett,becauseyoumarriedthatbitch!
HowamIsupposedtofeel?HowdoyouthinkIfeel?”

“Idon’twantyouhere,you’rehereforafight,andthat’sit,"Iendthisbeforehehasachanceto

ropemebackinagain,Ibarelyholdmyemotionstogether;I’mfreakingout.

TellinghimthatIdon’twanthimherewasalie,andjustaboutthehardestthingformetosaywhen

Idowanthimhere.Iwanthimtotellmethateverythingwillbefine,andtotakethispainIhaveaway.

“I’mnotleaving…”Rhettstandshisground.“Rhettcomeon,”Terryactsastheneutralpartyand

triestourgeRhett.I,ontheotherhand,wasn’tstickingaround,soIwalkedoffoutofthewaitingroom
beforeIbrokedowninfrontofthemall.Idon’tthinkIcanhandleitifRhettsawmecrybecauseI
wouldn’tbeabletoletgoofhim.Iwouldn’tbeabletosurviveifIgaveintohimjustonelasttime.

WhenIwalkbackinNoah’shospitalroom,Penny’seyesareinstantlyonme.Icanfeelherhating

meevenatthisdistance,blamingme.Thiswillnotgowell.

“Youdidthis,Idon’tknowifhe’sgoingtowakeupandtheonlypersonyouhavetoblameis

yourself,”Pennyletslooseonmeagain.ImeanIblamemyself,ZachismypastandbecauseIletmyself
breakmyruleNoahhastopaytheprice.

“Iwouldlikeyoutoleave.Idon’twantyouinthisroomwithme,”thebitternessfromhertonehits

mesohard,IhaveneverletNoahdown,butIhavetothinkthatsheandthatbabyarehisfamilynow,and
Ican’tbethereasonshewalksawayfromhim.

“IwillgivethedoctormyinformationforwhenI’mneeded,”Iwalkouttheroom,andletthe

receptionistknowthatIwillbeinthewaitingroomwhenthedoctorcomes.

***

Igotoreceptionandaskfortheuseofacomputer;Ineedtoaccessmyemailthatmybankmanager

sentmewithallmystatementsfrommysavingsaccounttomycheckingaccountbecausethiswillcost
waytoomuch,evenwithmyinsuranceIwillstillstruggle.Afteraskingthenurse,shepointsmeinthe
directionofaroomwhereIcandosuchthings.Lookingatallthepapers,Iprintedout;I’mdistracted
momentarilybysomeonewavingacoffeeinfrontofmyface.Ilookup,andJaywasthelastpersonI
expectedtoseehere.

“WhatareyoudoinghereJay?”Iasktakingthecoffeefromhimthankfully.“Rhettisfightingwith

hismumsayingheshouldbeherewithyou,soItoldhimIwouldcomeseehowyouare.”hesitsdown
nexttome.

“So,howareyou?”heasks,ashelooksatthepapersonmylap.Iquicklyputtheminmybagand

ignorehisquestionsforamoment.Iknowhe’shereonRhett’sbehalf,andthat’sfinebeinghisbestfriend
butwhatdoeshewantfromme?

“DoyouknowhowmanygirlfriendsRhetthashad?”

“Igotafeelingyou’regoingtotellme,”IsayasIlookstraightaheadnotgivinghimeyecontact.

“One.”Hereplies,andIlookathim.

“YouScarlett...RhettcalledmethefirstdayhesawyouandaskedmeifIbelievedinsoulmates,I

laughedsohard,”Iadjustinmyseat,hiswordsareaffectingmyjudgement.

“Thatmancan’tthinkstraightaroundyou.Imeanhelosesallcontrolofeverything.”Iflickmyeyes

athim.“YouScarlettarehissoulmate.”Heleansbackinthechair.

“Iguesshetoldyouaboutmypast,”Iask,butit’srhetorical.“Yes,andI’msorryaboutallthat,”his

wordscomeoutinawhisper.

“Icanseeitinyourbodylanguagethatit'skillingyounotbeingabletobewithhim;it’skillinghim

justasmuch.Rhettlovesyou,andhe’skillinghimselfforlettingyouwalkawayfromhim.Talktohim
Scarl,”Jayputshishandonmywristwheremybandagesare.

“Theseonyourwristshowhowmuchyouwanttobewithhim,”hetellsme.

Myheartishurting.

“Idon’tknowyou,but…”

“I’mafriend,thatwantstoseetwopeoplecrazyabouteachother,getbacktogether.”Iwipemy

tearsasIcan’tholdtheminanylonger,Ishakemyheadandgiveasorrowfulsigh.“Howcansomeone
makeyoufeelsolostwhentheystoptouchingyou?”Iasked.

That’sallIfeel.Lost.Imisshistouch.

Jaypulledmeinforahug,wrappinghisarmstightaroundmeasIcried,IputeverythingI’vebeen

holdinginsinceRhettgotback.

“MissParker?”Istandupinstantlyandwhipmytears,Noah’sdoctorishere.“I’mDoctorWhite

yourbrother.I’mgladyou’rehereweneedtodiscussyourbrother'scondition.”

I’minagreementwiththenodofmyhead,“Hehasabrainedema,whichisswellingonthebrain,

it’smakingithardforbloodtoflowcausinglackofoxygen,"DoctorWhitelooksdowntohisnotesagain.
"Wehavehimonoxygenrightnow,butinthemorning,wewilltakehimforsurgeryjusttorelievethe
pressureonhisbrain."

"Howlongistherecovery?"Ifindmyselfasking,thewaterinmyeyesmakingithardtofocuson

anythingrightnow,soIstareblindly.

Icouldn'tprotectmybabybrotherandlookwhat’shappened.

"Ifeverythinggoeswelltomorrow,aweekortwoofrestandheshouldbebacktonormalinno

time,"Ishakemyheadwipingmycheeks.IfeelJay’shandonmyback."Hey,itwillbeallright,"Jay
whisperstome,asherubsmybacksympathetically.

"Thankyou,Iwillbehereintheafternoon,"ItellDoctorWhite.Ihavetogotothebankandtalkto

them,aboutaloanorusingmysavings.Idon’tknowhowIamgoingtobeabletoaffordthis,butIneedto
getmoneyfromsomewhere.

“CanItellPenny?Shehasbeenasking.”DoctorWhiteasksbeforeheleavesandInodasIwatch

himwalkaway.

IgrabmybagandleaveJaynotfarbehindme,“Icandropyouoff,”hehurriestomatchmypace.

“I’mheadinghome,Pennywon’tletmeseeNoah,andIhavetowaituntilhissurgerytomorrow,”Igrab
myphonefrommybadtocallAmanda.

“Icantakeyouhome,”Hesaysusheringmeintheexitsowecangotohiscar.Igoanyway

becausehe’slikeadogwithaboneandwon’tleaveit.Amandaanswers,“HiAmanda,canIcomeover
tomorrowtotalk?”Iaskher.

“Ihaveameetingtomorrow,soIwillbeoutmostoftheday,canyoucomeovernow?”Ilookat

mywatchitissixintheeveningIguessIcould.“Yes,Iwillseeyouinabit,”ItellherasIhandupthe
phoneandputitaway.

“Canwegotothehotelplease?”IlookoveratJay,whogivesmeasmileinresponse.

***

ItalktoAmandaabouttakingonsomeextrashifts.Icantellthatsheisn’tpleasedwithmeasking

this,butshedoesn’taskwhy.Iknowsheisworriedaboutmewitheverythinggoingonanddoesn’twant
metomessupbutIhavetodosomething.Theonlywayshewouldagreeformetotakeonsomeextra
shiftwastotakeaweekofftobewithNoah.Itriedtotellher,no,butsheinsistedandsaidthatitwould
betimeoffwithpaywhichwasaplus,andsaidwhenIcomebackshewillseewhereIcanpickupsome
extrashifts.

Iwasabouttoleavethehotel,andIwasstoppedbyTerryinthereceptionarea.Istopandwalk

towardshim,“Terry,Jayalreadygavemeaspeech.”Istophimbeforehestarts,buthesmilesgentlyand
pullsoutachairformeIsitdown.Irespectfullydecline,butnotoneofRhett’sfriendsaretakingnofor

ananswertoday.

So,Isit.

“Rhettwon’ttellyou,soIwill.He’snothereforafight;he’shereforyou.Thefightwasmeantto

beinLondon,buthefoughtitsomuchthathe’slostalotofmoneychangingittobeinVegas.”Terryleans
forward,theworryinhistoneupsetsmemorethanIthoughtitwould.Rhettischangingthingsinhis
careerforme.“Sweethearthe’sfightingthisguyprettymuchforfree,”hewhispers.Itakeinalongdeep
breathandlookatTerry.IcanfeelmybodyheatingupandtheonlytimeiteverhappensiswhenRhettis
closeby.ThenIseeTerrylookingupovermyhead,andIknowhe’sstandingbehindme.

Iexhaleandgivehimanodtoleaveusalone,andhedoes.

“Sweetheart…”Rhettwhispersbehindme.“Canwenottalkhere?Wherealleyesareonus,”Isay

lookingateverystaffmemberstaringatme.Thenightshiftmaidsaregivingmeasmile,theyallknow
howthingsendedbetweenus,allsecretlywishinguswell.

Idecidethisprobablyisn’tthebestplacetotalk,soIgetupandwalktowardsthestairs;Rhett

followsclosebehindanddoesn’tsayaword.Wearriveathisdoor,andIwaitforhimtoopenit.Ashe
doesmyphonerings,“HelloEd,”Isaystayingbythedoor,Rhettwalksinaheadofme.

“Ihopeyouareworkinghard,”Ihearhimlaugh.Shit,IforgottocallEdtotellhim.Iexplained

everythingthathashappenedwithNoah.“Scarlett,areyouokay?Iwillbeatthehospitaltomorrow,”His
worriedfather-likevoicecomesacross.

“Iwillseeyouinthemorning,Ed…Thankyou.”Isayendingthecallandwalkfurtherintothe

roomandsitdownonthechairlookingoutatthestrip.“Haveyoueaten?”IhearRhettfrombehindme;I
shakemyhead.

“ShallIordersomething?”hesoundssodifferent,he’swalkingoneggshellsandworriedhe’s

goingtobreakmemorethanhealreadyhas.Inanycase,heordersfood,asIwatchoutthewindowatthe
Strip.Takingitallin.Thelightsflashingbright,thepeople,theCityissoalive.Iputmybagonthefloor
andtakeoffmycardigantogetcomfortable.Rhetthasseenmywrists,sonopointinhidingthemnow,I
thought.

Iturnaroundtoputmystuffonthetable,andIseeRhettstaringatme.“What?”Isnapped.They

aren’tthesameeyesthatalwaysundressedme,they’retheeyesthatwantedtodothingstome,theeyesI
lovedstaringintoaren’tthereanymore.Hewalksovertome,“Justwanttotakeyouallin,youmightnot
evencomebacktomeafterallofthisthat’shappened,”RhettisstandingsocloseIcanfeelhisbreath
againstmyskin.Icantellthatitistakingallhisstrengthnottokissmebecauseit’stakingallofmineto
resisthim.

“JaytoldmeaboutNoah.Areyougoingbacktomorrow?”Hetakesastepbackandsitsonthe

chairnexttomine.

Ialreadyfeelalone.Missingsomething.

“Yeah,hissurgeryisintheafternoon,soI’llbegoingthen,”Ireplysittingdownonthecouchin

frontofhim.

IwanttogotothebankfirstandseewhatIcandowiththemoney.

“YouhavenoideahowmuchIhavemissedyou,howmuchI’mkillingmyselffornotfightingfor

you.”Rhettleansforward,“Idon’twanttobelostanymore,SweetheartIwilldowhateverittakesfor
youtobebymyside.”Rhettstopsforamomentandjuststaresatme,andthereisthathungryagaininhis
eyes.

“Ineedtotouchyou,kissyou,Ineedyouwithme,bymyside.”Hegroansasthelastwordscome

fromhislips.Myheartbeatsathousandbeatsasecond.Mymouthgoesdry.“Givemesometime,andI
willtalktoyouaboutmydemons,justgivemesometimetofindthecouragetotellyou,”thepleadingin
hisvoicehurtsme.

ArethedemonssobadthatabeastlikeRhettneedstofindcourage?

“Pleasedon’twalkawayfromus,youaremadeforme,andmeonly.”Rhettstandsuptogetthe

door,andIlethiswordssinkin.“Ihopeyouarehungry;Iorderedalot.”

Rhettbringsthetraytothetableandsitsnexttome.Iturntofacehimandwatchhimputtingfood

onhisplate.“Pleaseeatsomething,Iknowyouhavehadabadtime,andhadsoupthelasttwodays,”
Handingmetheplate.“Thankyou,”Ireplytakingtheplatefromhim,IhavetoadmitIamhungry.

Wewerefinishingourfood;Icouldseemyphoneflashinginthecornerofmyeye.Igetupandgo

overtoanswerit;itcouldbeimportant.

It’sEmma?

“HeyEmma,isMattthere?”Iask.“Yeah,he’shere.HowisNoah?”Ifillherinonwhatis

happening,andwhyIamnotthere,shewasnothappyaboutPennyaskingmetoleave,butIcalmedher
downaboutit.

“Didyougetmymessage?”IsentheramessagesayingIcouldn’tpayrentthismonth,butIwill

sortitouttomorrowatthebank.“Don’tworryaboutit;Iwillseeyoutomorrowaftermyshift.Iwill
comeover,andMattwantstoseeyoutoo.”Emmatellsme.

“Okay,thankyou.”Endingthecall,Isitbackdownonthecouch;Rhetthadtohaveawordwith

Terryaboutsomething.Ilayonthecouchasmyeyesstarttofeelheavy,Ihavenothadthechancetorelax,
andnotsleptwellinaweek.

Chapter5

Iopenmyeyes,andI’mmetbytwobeautifulgreeneyes,“MorningSweetheart,”Rhettmovesmy

hairawayfrommyface,“YouweresleepingwhenIcameback,soIputyouinmybed,”Hisfinger
strokingdownthesideofmycheek.

“Imissedwakingupnexttoyou,”hewhispers.Istretchoutmybodyandlookoveratmyphone.

“Whatareyoudoingonthisbeautifulday?”Iaskhim,restingmyhandonhisarm.

“Ihavetogotothegym.Come,”heaskswhiletakingmyhandinhis.Hestartsundoingmy

bandages,hecomestotheendofmybandageandstaresdownatthemnotsayingaword.ButIcanfeel
thehurtinthewayhestrokesmywounds.It’ssoft,can’treallyfeelhistouch.

“Ihavetogotothebank;thenI’mgoingtothehospital,”ItellhimasIremovethecoversfrommy

legsandpreparetogetoutofbed.“Justgoingtobrushmyteeth,”Itellhimandwalkintothebedroom.

Isplashcoldwateronmyface,IputthebrushbackandturntoseeRhettstaringatme.Ahungry

starethattellsmehewantstotouchme,astarethatisundressingmeaswestandthere,andallIcandois
standtherelookingathim;unmoving.Hestalkstowardsme;Iwatchashestandsoverme.Staringintohis
eyes,wantinghimtokissme.Willinghim!

Ishefightingwithhimselftotouchmeornottotouchme?

Thenjustlikethat,hislipsarecrashingintomine,notwantingtofighthim,myarmsarearoundhis

neckpullinghimintome.RhettliftsmesoIcansitonthecounterforcingmylegsapartsothathecan
standinthemiddleofthemcomfortably.Myhandsareholdinghisshirttight;notwantinghimtopullaway
fromme.ThevibrationfromthegroanIfeelagainstmylipsasRhetttouchesmylegs.Ifeelmybody
burningwithfireashishandmovesupmythighs,myhandmovingunderhisshirt,touchinghisskinagain,
Igroaninpleasure.

I’vemissedtouchinghim,I’vemissedhimtouchingme.

“Rhett,”IhearHelenknockingonthedoor,hepullsawayfromme,andanoiseofannoyances

leaveshim,nottakinghishandsoffmythighs.

“Berightthere,”heshoutsout.Heturnshisattentionbacktome,“Pleasesaythatwasn’tjustan‘in

themoment’kiss,”Hisforeheadleansintomine,“Please,”hebegsinawhisper.

“Rhettgetout!Youhavetoleaveforthegym!”IhearJaybangingonthedoormakingmelaugh.

“Ithinkyoubettergetoutthere,”Itellhimsoftly,pushinghimtothesidegentlysoIcanslideoff

thecounter.

“Ihavetogetgoinganyway.”Isayopeningthedoor,toheadbackouttotheroom,grabbingmybag

offthefloorandwalkbehindRhetttotheotherroom.Allthreeofthemdarttheireyesbetweenmeand
Rhett,asmileontheirfaces;Jaynoddinghisheadatus.NotsureifI’membarrassedthattheyknowwe
letthebathroomtogetherorthattheythinkeverythingbetweenRhettandmearebacktonormal.

“Ishould…get…going,”Imumbleastheykeeptheireyesonus,dartingbetweenRhettandme,

feelingalittleoverwelcomedwiththemstaringatme.

“Yougoingtothehospitallater?”RhettgrabsmyarmasIwalkpasthim.

“Yeah,goingthisafternoon,justhavetodosomethingfirst,”Ilookoverathim.

“Noahhashisoperationtoday,”lookingatmywatch.“Ireallyhavetogo,”IwaitforRhetttolet

goofmyarm.

“Cometothegymafter,andwecangotogether.”RhetttakesastepcloserIlookathimfora

moment,hasheforgottenthateveryoneisintheroomwithus?

CanIgothroughalltheheartacheagainifhedoesn’topenupabouthimself,andthereisthe

wholeCeCesituation?ImeanI’mnotgettingintoallthatshit.

“Idon’t…”

“Eithercometothegym,andwecangotogetheror,Iwillmeetyouatthehospital,eitherway,I

willbethere.”Rhettcutsmeoffwithaveryharshtone.

“Fine,textmetheaddress,”Ipullmyhandawayfromhim,ashehasn’tletgoofityet.“Itakeit

youthreewillbetheretoo,”Iturntofacethem,itseemsthatRhettcomeswithanentourageatthe
moment.

“Whereelsewouldthefamilybe?”Helengavemeasmile.

Family?I’mnotsurewhattomakeofthat.

The onlyrealfamilyIhaveisNoah,butnowthatRhettisbackinthepicture,I’mnotsurewhatto

doorhowtofeelabouteverything.Iknowhismotherwillnevertaketheplaceofmyownandthethought
ofHelentryingtofillthatvoidinmylife,scaresme.Idon’tknowwhatscaresmemore,though,thefact
thatsheistryingorthefactthatapartofmewantshertoo?

“Sweetheart,”Rhettnudgesmyshoulder,“Youokay?”

“Seeyoulater,”Irespondtohiminstead,notwantingtosharethedirectionofmythoughts.Igive

himacrookedsmileandwalkoutofthedoor.IknowRhett,didn’tbuymysmile.He’sright;heknowsme
justaswellasIknowmyself.HeknowsmybodymuchbetterthanIdo,heknowssomethinghappenedin
thatroom.

***

Iwalkintothegym,spendingmostofthemorningonthephonewiththebillingdepartmentatthe

hospitaltryingtodeterminehowmuchthebillwillbe.Ifeelevenmoredrainedaftergoingtothebank
andtransferringmoneyovertoNoah’sandPenny’saccounttocoverasmuchofthebillaspossiblewhen
itcomesup.Ihavesixteendollarsandthirty-onecentstomyname,andthat’sit.Atthemoment,Ihaveno
ideawhatthehellIwilldo,IhavetostopmyownstudiesasIcan’taffordthemnow,Ihavetospeakto
Emmaaboutrent.I’mscaredandstressedoutaboutit.

“HelloHelen,”Isitdownnexttoherandleanmyheadbackonthechair,andclosemyeyes.

MaybeifIfallasleepIcanwakeupfromthisnightmareI’mlivingatthemoment.“Everythingokay?You
looklike…”

“LikeIneedadrink,youcouldnotbemoreright,”IcutheroffbeforeshesaysthewordsI’m

alreadythinking.Leaningforwardoffthechair,asmyphonestartsringing,takingmyphoneoutofmy
pocketastheringtonegetslouder,“HeyEd,”Igetupandwalkovertotheothersideofthegym.“Canyou
cometothehospitalinaboutanhour,reallyneedtotalk,”IcatchaglimpseofTerryandJaymakingtheir
wayovertospeaktoHelen.I’mintrigued.

“Sure,everythingokay?”

“Iwisheveryonewouldstopaskingmethat,butno.Everythingisshit,”Ican’tholdmyself

together,andthetearsleavemyeyes,“Justneedtotalk,”Isaywipingmycheeks.

“Iwillbethere,focusonsomethingelse,untilwecantalk.”Iendthecallandputthephonebackin

mybag.Iturntofaceallfourofthemstaringatme.IparticularlyfocusonRhettwhoseemstobesporting
newink;Ishakemyhead,andmakingmywayovertothem.“Pleasetellmethatisfake,anditwillfade
soon.Please.”IpleadwithRhettliftinghisarmupsoIcangetabetterlookatit.Icanseemyname
tattooeddownthesideofhischest;it’sbigenoughtoseeamileaway.

“Bymyside,Sweetheart,always.IthoughtIlostyou,”Rhettputshist-shirton,“Youokay?”

“You’reanidiot.Canwego?”Isaynotlookingathim,andtryingveryhardnottopullmyelastic

band,becauseassoonasIdo,IwillgetahundredquestionsfromRhett,andatthemomentIcan’tbe
doingwithit.Ipanickedseeingmynametattooedonhisbody.Istilldon’tknowwhatisgoingonwith
Rhettandmeandhegoesandgetsmynametattooedonhim.WhatamIsupposedtofeel?Ican’tshowmy
feelingstohim,withouthurtinghimandIdon’twantthat.

Ineedtofocusonotherthings,likewhatIwilldoformoney,askAmandaforextrashiftsshewon’t

agree,asshehasalreadygivenmesome,lookforanotherjobintheeveningwhichwillburnmeout.Tell
Rhett,butthenhewillgivememoney,andtothisdayIhavenevertakenmoneyfromanyonebutthebank.
Isupposetalkingtothebankagainwon’thurtme.

Throwingmyphoneintomybag,“You’repissed?”Rhettasks,movingapieceofhairawayfrom

myface.“Atthemoment,Idon’thavetheenergytobepissedatyou.Canwegoseemybrother,please?”
Iwalkawayfromhim,andI’mmetwiththeotherpainintheass.CeCe.

“Keepyourhandsoffmyhusband,”shesaysasshewalkspassedme,nudgingmyshoulderonher

waypast.Ibitemylip,soIdon’tletallmyangeroutonher.AsmuchasIwouldloveto,Ican’t.That
wouldjustturnugly.IcontinuetowalkoutthegymleavingCeCetalkingtoRhett,givingTerryasmall
smile,andleanonthecarlookingawayfromeveryoneelse.Iwanttimetomyself,afewminutesofquiet
tothinkabouteverythingthatisgoingoninmylife.

Noahgoesintosurgery.

Pennywon’tevenletmebeintheroom.

Ihavetoputmylifeonholdonceagain.

ThemanI…ismarriedtoabitch.

Lifecan’tbeanymorescrewedupthanitalreadyis.

***

IwalktowardsNoah’sroomandtakeadeepbreath.RhettsaidhewantedtoseeNoah,andI

couldn’tbebotheredtofightoverit,therestofthegroupstayedoutsidetheroom.

“Hi,”IlookoveratPenny,staringoutthewindow,“howis…”

“Idon’twantyouhere,”Pennycutsmeoff,inthemostspitefulwayasshewalkspastme,tostand

nexttoNoah’sbed.“Iwon’tforgiveyouforthis.Allofthisisyourfault.WhenIthinkaboutthemedical
bills,wewillhavetopay—”

“Imovedthingsaroundandpaiditall,soyoudon’thavetoworryaboutthat,”Itellher.Icanfeel

Rhett’seyesonme,“Soyoucanrelax…”

“Relax,howamImeanttorelax?”Sheyellsatmenow,thisisallIneedtoday,“Iknowaboutyou

sleepingwitheverymanthatcomesintothehotel,Ibetyoudon’tevenknowtheirnameshalfthetime.
OneofthemputNoahinhere.”Shetakesastepcloser.

“Becauseyou’reawhore,Noah’sinthehospital,fightingforhislife.Becauseofyou!”Shepokes

herfingerinmyshoulder.“Youcan’tspeaktoherlikethat,”Rhettshoutsather,Igrabhisarmhopinghe
shutsup.

“Scarlett,”helooksatmeandthenstopstalkingwhenIshakemyhead.“NowIwantyoutoleave,”

Pennyshoutsatme.IstandthereforamomentlookingatNoah,thenleave.Ican’tbethereasonsomething
happenstothebaby;Iwillneverforgivemyself.

AsIleavethewaitingroom,Rhettargues,“Howcanyouletherspeaktoyoulikethat?”WhenI

don’tstop,orreply,hegrabsmyarmforcingmetostopandlookathim.“Rhettplease,”Ibeg,Iknow
verywellthatRhettisnotgoingtostop,askingamillionquestionsnomatterwhatIsay.

“No,andwhatdoyoumeanyou’vepaidforthis?”Justthenandjustmyluckhisfamilywalksinto

theroom.I’mlookingoverhisshoulder,andIseeEmmaandMattareheretoo.

Greatnowwehaveanaudience.

“Hey,”Emmasays,lookingatRhettandme.

Rhettletsgoofmyarm,andgivesEmmaakiss,thenfistpumpingMatt’shand.“I’msohappy

you’rehere.”Ismileatthemgently.“So,youbeingheredoesthismean…”

“Ihavenoideawhatthismeans,”RhettstopsEmmathenwalksintothewaitingroom.“Nottoday,

it’sbeingafucked-upday,”Irespondleaningagainstthewall,andIshrink.

“I’llbeinthere,”MatttellsEmma.“Don’tlookatmelikethat,Emma.I’mnotinthemoodtotalk

aboutRhettoranythingelse.”Ilookatthefloortoavoideyecontact.

“You’repushingusaway;you’rescaringme.”Emmastops,“Maybeshewilltalktoyou,”Ilookup

andseeEdstandingthere.Emmawalksaway,andI’mleftwithEdgivingmewithalookofconcernon

hisface.

“Youshouldbeworried;I’msoclosetolosingit,”Ipushmyselfoffthewall.Ifeeleveryone’s

eyesonme.“Ihavetostopmystudies,I’mbroke,themanI…wellhe’smarriedandeverythingisfalling
toshit,”ItellEdeverything.IletthetearsI’vebeenholdingbackfall,Ineedthemtoescape,maybethat
willhelpmefeelalittlebetter.

“AndI’mnotallowedtoseemybrother.”Iwipemytears;Edstandstherelookingatme.“Youare

doingyourcourse,”hereplies.

DidhenothearwhatIsaid?

“Ed,Ihavenomoney,Imeannothing,”Ipulloutmybankpapersandshowhim,“Seenothing,zero,

Ican’tevenaffordlunch,”Iwavethepapersinfrontofhim.Takingthepapersfromme,helooksatthem,
thenhandsthemback.

“Iwillpayforyourcourse,”heburstsout,“youaredoingthis,andyouarenotfallingthistime.”he

shoutsatme,anditmakesmelookathiminsurprisehisneverreallyraisedhisvoiceatmebefore.

“No!Iwon’tletyou,”Iwipemytears,andIhearataponthewindowwhichdistractsusboth.

Emmaiswavingatmetocomeintotheroom.Idon'tthinktwice,andIheadintotheroom,“Scarlett,I
willseeyoulater,”Edcallsafterme,hestandsbythedooranddoesn’tcomein.

“Ed,thisconversationisn’tover,”Itellhim,andheclosesthedoorandwalksaway,“Crap!”I

curse.

Iturnaround,tofaceEmma,“Whatisit?”Iasked,yes,myvoicecamealittlelouderthanIwanted

to,butmydayjustseemstobefallingaroundme.“You’rescaringme,”Emmalooksatmeforamoment.

I’mscaringher!I’mscaringmyself.

“Thedoctorishere,”shepointstothemantalkingtoMatt.Iwalkovertohim,“Hello,”greeting

him.

“Scarlett,wewilltakeyourbrothershortly,ifyoucansignthispapersforus,”hehandsmea

clipboard,Ilookthroughthem.“Theyarejustpaperseveryonehastosignbeforewebegin,anursewill
beintogetthemfromyouinawhile.”

Thedoctorgoestowalkoutoftheroom.“Wait,”Icallafterhim.“this‘incaseofdeath,’I’mnot

signingthis,”Ipushtheboardtowardshim,asmyheartbeatsfromthefearofthinkingsomethingcan
happentoNoah.

“MissParker,it’snothingtoworryabout,it’sjustasafetymeasureforthehospital,”hereplies

walkingoutthedoorwithoutabackwardsglance.IgoandsitdownnexttoHelenandEmma,andputmy
headintomyhands.Isighdeeply.

“Scarlett…”

“Don’t,”IstopEmmabeforeshestartsonme,“I’mfine,”Iadd.It’snotconvincingatall,butshe

respectsme,andIembracethesilence.

“Scarlett,”IhearPennycallmyname.Ilookupinthedirection,“Ijustwantedtoletyouknowmy

parentsarehere,andwehavespokenaboutNoahandhisrecovery,onceNoahiswellenough,weare
takinghimbacktoCalifornia,Idon’tfeelsafehereanymore.”BeforeIcanevenanswer,she’swalking
outoftheroomwithoutmesayingadamnword.Istare–Iwasn’tsurehowtorespondorevenwhathad
justhappened.

Greatdidn’tthinkthisdaycouldgetanyworse.

Emmanudgesme,“Yourphone,”Shewavesitinfrontofme.It’s…“Ed,”Iansweredwalkingout

ofthewaitingroom.

“Weneedtotalk…”

Wellduh!

“I’mpayingforamonththenwewillseewhathappens,I’mnotgivinguponyou,”Edis

determinedtohelpmeout,hesoundssocalm.Iclosemyeyesforamomentasatearescapesmyeye;I’ve
neverhadsomeonecareaboutmeinthisway.IknowRhettcares,butwithEd,it’sdifferentsomehow.

“Thankyou,”Iwhisperindefeat.“Scarlett?”

“Yeah,”Iwhisperagain.“GiveRhettachance.”Andhesaysnothingmore.Hedoesn’tevenwait

formetoreplyhejustendsourcalldead.

Ileanmyheadonthecoolwallbehindme,IwanttogiveRhettachance,Ido.

Imisshim.

WhenIturnaroundthere,heis,lookslikehe'sjustasbrokenasme.Hecupsmyfaceandwipesmy

tearswithhisthumb.“Iwon’tletyouleaveagain,”Rhettwhispersashislipssoftlystrokemine.“Ilove
you.”Imovebackalittletoliftmyfacetomeethiseyes.

“Ihateyou’rehurtingandnottellingmewhy”RhettmoveshishandstomywaistandItakemy

bankpapersoutofmybagandhandthemovertoRhett.Heleansbackagainstthewallandflicksthrough
thepapers.

“Youhavenothing,”Rhettlooksupatme,“Youusedallyoursavings,Scarlett,”hewhispers.

“Areyousigningtheseornot?”Anurseaskedabruptlyandhandedmethepapersagain.Itakethem

offherandsignthem.“Thanks,”shetakesthemfrommeandwalksbackintotheroom.

“Icanandwillhelpyou,”Rhetttakesholdofmyhandandstrokesmywristwithhisthumb,“but

beforewesortthisout,Ithinkweneedtotalkaboutus.”Hetakesastepcloser.

“Youmarriedher,”Ilowermyeyesandwhispered.Fromeverythingthathashappenedthishas

hurtmethemost.CeCewillbeinmyfaceallthetimemakingsurewedon’tenduptogether.

“Itwasamistake,amistakeI’mfixing.”Rhettstrokesmyfacesoftly.“TheonlypersonIloveand

careaboutisyou.”hestopshisfingermotionovermychinandslowlyliftsmyfacetomeethis.

“Pleasetalktome.”

“Idon’twanttotalkRhett;I’mannoyedthatyou…”RubbingmyforeheadnotsurewhatIwantto

saytohimaboutthisIstopand

stutter,“I’mjustannoyed.”

Ileanbackagainstthewall.“Shegotwhatshewanted,andIbetshe’snotsigninganypapers?”I

lookatRhettasheshakeshishead,he’splayingwithmyelasticbandonmywrist,“I’mjustannoyed.”I
repeatagainthistimeIwalkpasthimandbackintothewaitingroom.

“Igotyousomecoffee,”Jaysitsnexttome,“Pleasetellmeyoutwohavesortedeverythingout

now,he’ssomoodyatthemoment,”JaylooksoveratRhett–he’stalkingtohismomandTerry.

“IwouldbemoodytooifIweremarriedtoabitch,”ItrashedmakingJaylaughoutloud,and

everyonelooksoveratus.“Ilikeyou;sheisabitch,”Jayagreesasheleansbackintohischair.

“So,thisJessicafriendofyoursatwork,whatisherdeal?Isshesingle?”Ileanbackandsmileat

him.“Single,andlikesallfiftyshades,”IdivulgeasItakeasipofmycoffee.

“So,Ihopeyoulikethatstuff,”IaddasIlookatRhettwhosuddenlybeganwalkingovertous.

“Getteasing,andstrapping,”Isaylettingoutasmalllaugh.

“Oh,Iwill,”JaylaughsandlookstoRhett,“Imighthavefoundagirlperfectforme,”hetellshim

holdinghisfistoutforhimtohit.Ishakemyheadatthemboth,stupidBromance.

“What?”Jaylooksoveratme.“Ididn’tsayanything,”Ireplyandbringingmycoffeecupuptomy

lipstryingtohideasmile.Rhettbringshisarmoverthebackofmychair,hisfingerstrokingmyupper
arm.ThatburningfeelingthatI’vemissedcomesback.ThesafetyI’vemissed.ThewarmthI’vemissed.

Thesex!

IlistentoJayandRhetttalkaboutsomesportsteam;theykeepcallingitfootball,whichIthinkthey

meansoccer.Whichteamwillwin,newplayersjoining?IthinkEmmasensedmyinadequacyandcame
overtokeepmecompany.

Emmasmilesasshesitsnexttome,“I’mfine,justbeenoneofthosedays,”Igiveheranother

smile.“Iloveyou,soyouknowIwillworry.”Shesmilesbackatme.

“Loveyoutoo,”Ilookbackoverattheboysfightingoversomethingaboutthesporttheywere

talkingabout.

Thatchangeddramatically!

“It’scalledfootball,andyouguysstolethesportfromus,soitwillalwaysbecalledfootball,

neversoccer,”Jayputshishandsupinawaytosaytheconversationisfinished.Lookingoveratmeand
Emmahesays,“SoJessica,howfiftyshadesarewetalking?”hewiggleshiseyebrows,makingmelaugh.

“Letusjustsaysheknowswhatshewants,”Emmalooksatme,andIlaughmore.Jessicaistheone

thatreadsthebooksandtakeseverythingonboardtohaveamazingsex-asshecallsit.Andlikestotell
usallthedetails,notwhatIwanttolistento,butshedoesnotstop.

“Great,”JaynodstowardRhett.Ihearmyphoneringandgrabmybag,“Ed,”Ianswerthephone

andgetupandwalkawayforprivacy.“So,Ihavepaidfortwomonths,andbeforeyougocrazyatmeand
saynoyoucan’t.Ihave.So,let’sgetbacktowork,readyourwork,andIwantitbytheendoftheweek.”

Thedemandinhisvoiceisscaringme,andforthefirsttime,Idon’tevenwanttofightsomeonehelping
me.

“Thankyou,Ed,”Ismileagainstthephone.“KeepmeupdatedonNoah,andIwillseeyousoon,”

Heendsthecall,andIgoandsitbackdownnexttoRhett.

***

“MissParker,”Istandup,“EverythingwithNoahwentreallywell,he'ssleepingnow.Whenhe

wakesup,heshouldbefeelingbetter.Afullrecoverywilltaketime,buthewillbebacktonormalinno
time.”TheDoctorshakesmyhand,thankinghimashewalksawayfromus.“Greatnews,”Emmahugs
me.

“Let’sgetsfoodandsleep,”Shepointsherfingeratme,thenturnstoRhett,“Feedher.”She

demands.Irollingmyeyesandsmileather.

“Wearegoingouttoeatnow.”Rhettputshishandonmylowerback,“Solet’sgo,”hesaysashe

movesmetowardsthedoor.

“JustwanttostopbyNoah’sroomfirst.”IseparatefromhimandheadforNoah’sroomdoor.

“Pennywon’tletyouseehim,”RhettremindsmeandIcan’thelpbutgrimace.Iknowthat,butI’mstill
going.

“Shecan’tstopmelookingintohisroom,”Iendthatconversationforthemomentandcontinueto

hisdoor.Iknowshewon’tletmesetfootintheroom,butIhavetoseehimatleast.Toseeformyselfthat
hisisokay,andIhavenothingtoworryabout.

Chapter6

IsawNoahforaboutamoment;thenPennyclosedtheblindsonme.Istoodtherestaringfora

whilethenRhettjustcameandtookmeoutandweleftthehospitalandstraighttothenearestfoodplace.
I’mabouttolosetheonlyfamilyIhaveandtheonlypersonIhaveeverloved.AllIhaveleft.

“CanIhavesomewaterplease,”Ilookoveratthewaiter,aseveryoneelsegivestheirorder.I

lookatmyphonetoseeifthehospitalcalled,buttheyhaven’t.IwillworryallnightuntilIgobacktosee
him,butIcan’tsithereandletmyhorriblemoodaffecteveryoneelsehere.

“Helen,howlongareyouhereforagain?”Iwasjustmakingconversation,tryingtodistractme

fromtheobvious.“Twoweeks,goingtoseetheCitytomorrow,”shesmilesandlookstoTerry.

It’scutethey’redating,sillythey’renottellingRhettaboutit,though.Ithinkhewouldbe

happy;hismotherhasfoundloveagain.

Rhetttakesmyhandinhisandstrokesmywristwithhisthumbagain.Icannotbelievehowmuch

I’vemissedhistouch,howmuchIfeelsafearoundhim,howhecanmakemefeelwarminsideagain.

“AuntScarlett,”Ihearmynamebeingyelledandthereareonlytwolittlegirlsthatcallmebythat

name.IlookoverandseeEd’sdaughters,eight-year-oldJenny,andfive-year-oldZoe.Theybothstopat
thetable,givingmeabig,broadsmile,“Daddysaid,you'rebabysittingtomorrow,”theybothjumpupand
downinfrontofme.

“Iam?”Igivethemahappysmile.Theybothscouteveryonearoundthetable.“Canwemakea

cake,andfordinneryourburgers?Theyarethebest.”IlooktoEdwhocan’thelpsmilingatthegirlsand
theirexcitement.

“Andsomepainting,andsomeplay-doh,andhairdressers,and…”Edbutsinbeforetheycanplan

anymore.

“OkaygirlsIthinkScarlettgetstheidea,”Edlooksatme.

“Youstillgoodtocomeoverandwecanwork…”

“Yes,stillgoodtocomeover.IwillbethereearlysinceI’mnotworkingrightnow.”IstopEd

fromfinishinghissentence,asIhaven’ttoldanyoneI’mstudyingagainyet.

IfeelRhettstandupbehindme,“I’mreallysorryabouttheotherdayatthehotel,”Ihearhim

apologize.Ilookatthegirlsshowingmetheirnewbraceletsdistractedfromthesituationathand.

“Allforgotten.Scarlett,canIspeaktoyouforamoment?”Edasks,makingmelookathim.He

knowsI’muncomfortablebeinghereatthemoment,witheveryonedrinking.Idon’twanttosayanything
toRhett,consideringhowfarwehavecome,Idon’twanttheattentiononme,butIalsodon’twantto
admitmyweaknesseither.

“AuntieScarlett,yourboyfriend,isveryhandsome,butheneedstohaveabathandtakeoffallhis

drawings,”ZoepointstoRhett,andIcan’thelplaughingather.

“Ithinkyourdadcananswerthat,”IlookupatEdshakinghisheadatme.

StandingupZoetakesmyhandaswewalkoutside.“HiBecky,”IgiveEd’swifeaquickwaveas

shesitsinthecar,bothgirlsgetin,andBeckysortsthemout.TurningtoEd,Iwaitforhisspeech.

“Idon’tthinkyouareokaytobearound,anyalcoholyet.Iknowthatyouseemstronger,butIalso

knowthatyouarekeepingalotofitallbottledupsomewhere,”webothlookintotherestaurant,andsee
allfoursetsofeyesonus.“Scarlett,pleaseputyourselffirst,”Edsays.

“YoutoldmeyoutrustedRhett?NowI’meatingwithhim;you’reactinglikeIshouldn’tbehere,”I

startpointingtowardsthewindowthenathim.“IagreeIshouldnotbeinthere,”Ipointtotherestaurant,
“butI’mnotabouttotellRhetthowhardIfell,heknowsnothingaboutthetwoweeks,andIplantokeep
itthatwayforawhile.”Irubmyforehead.“Gettingaheadache,”Iwhisperout.

Myheadhurts,asmoreshitisintherethanthereshouldbe,Noah,money,Rhett,CeCe,studying.

I’mnotevensureIwillgetthroughthenight,nevermindtheweek.

“Youneedtorest,”rubbingmyshoulder,“Iwillseeyoutomorrow,”givingmeafatherlykisson

theforehead,Iwatchhimwalktothecar.

Takingadeepbreathin,Ilookintotherestaurant,foramomentIfinallymovemyfeetbackinside.

Sittingbackinmychair,Ilookthroughmybagforsometablets,“Sweetheart,yougoingtotalkto

meaboutwhathappened?”Rhettasks,inawhisper.

“Yeah,Ididn’tgetmarried,”Ilookathim,takingmytablets,Ilookateveryonestaringatme,“So

otherthanmyshitlife,whatarewetalkingabout?”IaskbecauseIknowtheywerealltalkingaboutme.

IcanseethatRhettisannoyedthatIhavementionedhimbeingmarried,whichIcanstillnotget

around,Imeanhowmuchdidheneedtodrinktomarrythatwomen.

“Weorderedfood,”Rhetttakesmyhandasmyfingersplayaroundwiththeelastic,“andmomwas

wonderingifyouwantedtogooutoneday,”Rhetttakestheelasticoffmywrist.IlookoveratHelenwith
asmile;ItakeitthatRhetthasnottoldthemthatIdon’thaveanymoney.

“Wouldlovetoo,”ItellhimasIreachintomybag,Ipulloutanotherbandandslipiton.Isee

Rhettshakinghishead.“So,Rhett,Ihavetoaskthisonequestion,andthenImightnotmentionthe
weddingagain,”Ismile,asforthefirsttimeitisagenuinesmile.

“DidyougetmarriedintheElvisChapel?”Tryingveryhardnottolaughoutloud,butJay,onthe

otherhand,letsoutahugebarkoflaughter.“Trustme,SweetheartIwasthatpissedIhavenoideahowI
gotbacktotheroom,”Rhettlooksatthewaiterasheputsdownourplatesinfrontofus.

“CanIgetaglassofwater,please?”Heasks,thenturnsbackandleansinclosetomyear.“The

onlywomanIwillevercallmywifeisyou,”hislipsbrushmycheekashepullsaway.

Mybodycraveshistouchagain.Icanfeelitburning,hopingforhimtotouchmetonight.

***

IstandoutsidewithHelenastheguystalkaboutthefightcomingup,andthenwhattheyaredoing

aboutthematchwithZack.Assoonashisnamewasmentioned,IknewIneededair.Helenfollowing
closebehindme.

“Scarlett,”Shecalledme.“myson,lovesyou;thereisnothinghewon’tdotowinyouback.Ifear

thatyouarenotinthemindseteventoconsidergivinghimanotherchance.IhopeI’mwrong.AllIaskis
thatyoutrytoopenthatdooragain,whichIcanseeyouhaveshuttighterthanbefore.”

Itakeastepclosertoher,“Iknowhewilltalk.Justgivehimsometimetotalkaboutthedemons

thatareeatinghimup.”Helenleansinandgivesmeapeckonthecheek,andgoesbacktotheguys.“See
youlater,love.”

Theyallgetupfromthetableandbegintoleave.Jayisthefirsttocometome,andhesmiles

beforealsopeckingmeonthecheek.HewalkstowardsthecarwithHelenandTerry.Isighdeeplyand
leanupagainstthewallasRhettstandsinfrontofme,hisfingerstrokingupmyarmashegetstomyneck
heslowsdown,Icanjustaboutfeelhisfingeronme,butit’sthere.

“WherewouldyoulikemetotakeyouSweetheart,homeor…”Rhettstopshisfingerjustundermy

chin,insteadofliftingmychinup,hetakesastepcloserourbodiestouching.Hemovesdownthefrontof
myneck,feelinghisheartbeatingsofast,hisbreathingjustaboutholdinghimtogether,“…thehotel?”
Rhettfinallyletsoutagrowl.

Thehungertotouchmeagain,thehungertotastemeagain,andthehungertobeinsidemeagainis

thereforbothofus.

Iputmyhandsonhischestashepullsmeintohimbythewaist.Ifeelhisheartbeatonmyhands,

takinginhisscent,takingintheintensenessofhiseyesonme.Ican’tlethimbreakmeagainwhenI’m
stillinpieces.ButIwanttobewithhim;Iwanthimtotouchme.Iwanthimtofixmelikehedidbefore.

ThistimeIwanttofixhimtoo.Ineedtohelphimtoo.

“Hotel,”Iwhisper.

Rhett’shandmovestomychinandliftsmyfaceup,andthenhislipscrashintomine.Thereis

nothingsoftaboutthiskiss,thehardness,theintensenessIeverhad.Hishandstillonmyjaw,Icanfeel
histongueonmybottomlip,andwithoutthinkingaboutit,mymouthopensforhim.Asheentersmy
mouth,IfeelthevibrationfromRhett’smoanashepushesmeagainstthewallevenmore.Histongueis
touchingeverypartofmymouth,notmissingonespot.IfeelmyselflosingairashepushesintomeI
swearwecanbeonepersonrightnow,withhowcloseheis.

Pleasedon’tbreakmeagain.

***

Rhettswipesthekeycardandpushesthedooropen.Aswestepinhekicksthedoorshut,wraps

hisarmaroundmywaistpullingmeclosertohim.

“Iwanttotoucheveryinchofyourbody;Ineedtofeelyou.Ihavetolistentoyourheartbeatingas

yougetmoreexcitedtobeherewithme,”Hesaysstaringdeepintomyeyesandthenhekissesmyneck

withsmallbutterflykisses.“Iwanttolickyouhere,”hesaysmovingtomylips.

“Andhere,”heslowlymovingback,hetwirlsmearoundtheroom,“tonightIwantyoutobemine

andmineonly.Keepyourthoughtshereinthisroom,”wecometoastop,andIfeelthebedbehindme.
Myheartisalreadybeatingsofast,wantinghimtotouchme,makingmefeelhot.Keepingonehandonmy
waist,heopensthebedsidedrawer.

“OneofthebestnightsIhadwithyouwaswhenIwasincontrolofyourbody.”Myeyeswiden

whenIseehimpullingoutablacklacescarf,“anewone,”bringingitcloserIfeelthesoftmaterialonmy
cheek,hisotherhandonmybackslowlypullingmyzipperdown.

“IhopeIhaven’tlostallyourtrust,”Hecomestotheendofmyzipper,hegroans.Hereallyhas

missedtouchingme,butI’vemissedhimasmuchmore.

Iwigglemybodyalittlesothatthedressfallstothefloor,“You’retheonlyoneIdotrust,”I

whisper.Hisheadrestsonmyshoulder,Ifeelhisbreathonmycollarbone,“I’msosorry,”hequietly
says.

ItakeinasharpbreathasIhearsobscomingfromhim,hisvoicebreakingashewhispersthe

words,“Iwillneverletyougoagain.”Ilookathimandtearsstreamdownhischeek,Ifeelapaininmy
chestandmystomachdrop.I’veneverseenhimlikethis.

“Iwanttomakelovetoyou.IwanttofeelyouinallthewaysImissed.”Hestrokedmycheek.“I

thoughtIhadlostyou.LostyourtrustinmeandthatIwouldhavetofighttotheendsoftheearthtogetit
back.”Rhettrestshishandsonmywaist.

“Butyoustilltrustme.Youwillneverknowhowmuchthosewordsmeantome.”Heputsthe

blindfoldonthetable,andpicksmeupinaquickmovementandplacesmeonthebed.

Rhettclimbsontopofme,carenottoputtoomuchweightonme.

“Iwilltalk,justpromiseyouwon’tleavemeagain,”

Hisbeautifulemeraldeyesarepleadingwithme.Hisvoiceiscrackingashebegsmetogivehima

littlebitmoretime.

“Promise,”Idon’twanttoleavehim.Twoweeksago,Ifeltasthoughmyworldhadcollapsed

aroundme.IfeltpainIneverthoughtexisted.IfleavingRhettmeansIhavetoexperienceallthatagain…
thenIrefusetogiveuponhimandwalkawaylikeIdidbefore.Idon’tthinkIcouldsurviveanother
heartbreak.

“Iloveyou,Scarlett,”ourlipsmeet,andwe’reone.Hisfingersmovefrommywaisttotanglein

myhair.Ifeelmywholebodyreacttohistouch.

HowIhavemissedthewarmththatspreadsthroughmybodywhenhetouchesme.

Rhettsmoothsmylegandmovesupmydress,notbreakingawayfrommylips.Myhandsonhis

shoulders,Ineverwanttobreakawayfromhimagain;thisiswherewebothbelong.

Ourlipspartandoureyeslock,andhesays,“You'rewet,”hegivesmethatsexyboyishsmile.I’m

suddenlyimpatient.Igrabathisjeansandhastilyunbuttoninghim.

IsmileddevilishlyasIflickthebuttonandunziphim,eagertogetridofhispantsandtofeelhim

insideme.

“Missmethatmuch?”

“Youhavenoidea,”Ifeelhishandpullingmypantieshard,andthenIheartherip.He’sdeepin

insideworkinghismagiconme.“OhGod,”IbitemybottomlipasRhettkissesmyneck.Myhandfinds
hishard-onandI’mtugging.Rhett’sfingerentersmeandcircle,andmybodyjerksupasthepleasure
takescontrolofme.

“I’mnotgoingtolast,Sweetheart.”Hesaysashemovesmyhandfromhiserection,pushesdown

hispantsandnextthingIknowhe’sgotmydressupovermyhead.

Lyingbackdown,Rhettstopsandlooksatme,takesmeallin.Hislipsareonmineinseconds,a

fullonaggressivekiss,myhandsareinhishairmassagingandpullingathimintheheatofthemoment.
Hebeginsmovingupanddownmybody,ashemakesaslowtrekfrommytorsotomybreast,pinching
mynipplesinbetweenhisteethImoan.

“Rhett,”hisnameescapesmebuthedoesn’tstop,he’sbusysuckingonmyalreadysensitive

nipple,“please,”Iwhisperinabreath.AllIwantisforhimtobeinsideme.Now!

“Whatwouldyoulike,Sweetheart?”Rhettfinallytakesnote.Hislittlekissesonmyneck,thenmy

jaw,slowlybrushinghislipsacrossmine.Mymindscrambled.

“You…insideme.”Iwhisperashistonguestrokesmylips,andjustlikethatIfeelthehardthrust,

“Oh…”Ihavemissedhimsomuch.

Rhett’shandsmovetomine,andhelockshisfingersaroundmine.ThemomentumofRhett’stoing

andfroinghe’sliftinghipsandpoundsintome.Icryoutarchingmyback;IhearagroanfromRhettashe
thrustsharder.

Lettinggoofmyhands,hemovestomyass,tiltingmehighersohecanslideindeeper.Ashedoes,

mynailsdigintohisshoulderhard.

“Rhett,don’tstop.”Ipleadwithhim.Movinghishand,Ifeelhisthumbonmyclit,massagingitina

circularmotion.Mynailsaregrippinghimhard.“OhGod,”Icryoutasmyorgasmpowersthroughmy
body.

“Sweetheart,openyoureyes.Iwanttoseeyoureyes,”Iopenmyeyesastheorgasmstillruns

throughmybody.“Iloveyou,”hedropshisheadtothecrookofmyneckandpushesintomedeeper.Ifeel
himsoclose,afewmorethrusts,hegruntsagainstmyneck,andIfeelhimcuminsideme.

Bringinghislipstomine,Rhettkissesmeagain;Icansmellthesweatfromusboth.SexwithRhett

hasalwaysbeenamazing,butitfeltlikesomethingmorethistime,somethingthatIcouldn’tputwords
too.Irollover,notbecauseIwanttogetup,butbecauseIneedtocleanmyselfup.Rhettlayshishand
gentlyonmystomach,stoppingmefrommoving.

“StayhereIwillgo.”Rhettgetsoutofthebed.I'mnotgoingtofightwithhimaboutthat;Iamway

tootiredtomove,andIcanalreadyseemyselfhavingtroublewalkingtomorrowasaslightachestartsto
build.IwatchRhettwalktothebathroom,andtheviewisoneofperfectheaven.

“Sweetheart,”Rhettwalksoutofthebathroomwithawettowelandhestartstocleanmeup.The

warmfeelinginmybodythathaddisappearediscomingback.“YoutellmehowI’mgoingtoexplain
theseattraining?”Rhettpointstohisshoulderwheremynailshaveleftmarks.

“Don’tbesoamazinginbed;thenIwouldn’thavetoholdontoyousohard,”Ismile.Hejumpson

topofmeandsmiles,“WellIhopeyou’rereadyforroundtwo.”

AmIreadyforroundtwo?Godyes.Iamreadytogoallnightlongwithhim.

Chapter7

MovingaroundinbedIopenmyeyesandreachoutforRhett,andItouchhisstomach.Ismileto

myselfasIexaminehisbody.HowI’vemissedlookingathim.Myeyesstopatmynameonhisbody,
takingmyfingerItracetheoutlineoftheletters.Istillcan’tbelievehehadthisdone,nomatterwhat
happensinourlivesIwillalwaysbeapartofhimbecauseofthis.

“Morning,Sweetheart.”Iturnmyheaduptofacehim,“Youlooksosexyinmyt-shirt,”Ileanover

givinghimakissonthecheekandwesmileatoneanother.

“Morning,”Ithrowthebedsheetsoffme.“Iwashopingforsomefunthismorning,”Rhetttakes

holdofmyarmtostopmefromgettingoutofmybed.

“Wouldlovetobut,Ihavetogethometochangeclothes,I’mbabysittingthisafternoon.”

Ialsohavetoworkonmyassignmentthathastobehandedinnextweek,andI’vedonenothing

toit,andIwanttocheckuponNoahtoo.IfPennywillevenletmeseehim.

“Whattimeareyougoing?”Rhettpullsmebackintobed,kissingmyneck.“Gettingtothehousefor

two,”Imovealittleclosertohim,ashekissesmyneckevenmore.Ihearmyphonevibrateonthe
bedsidetable,andIamupandreachingforit.Rhettdoesn’tstop;hecontinuestokissmyjawlineeven
whenIspeak.

“Hello.”

“Scarlett,thisisNurseJackie.Yourbrotherwokeupduringthenight,andhasbeenaskingforyou.”

IpullawayfromRhettandsituponthesideofthebed.Rhettwrapshisarmsaroundmeandplantskisses
onmyshoulder.He’snotgettingtheurgencyofmymovementsbefore.

“Isheokay?”Iask,worriedthatsomethingmightbewrongwithhim.Rhettfinallystopsandbegins

rubbingmybackforsupport;nowhecanfeelhowtenseIwas.

“Yes,justgettingalittleimpatientyouweren’therewhenhewokeup.”

“Iwillberightover,”Iendedthecall.

Rhettsitsnexttome.“Tothehospital?”heasks,andInod.

AsIprepareforafightwithNoah,heknowsIwouldneverleavehimunlessitweresoimportant,

soIevenlietohimandsaysomethingcameuportellhimPennydidn’twantmethere.

“Sweetheart,canwetalkbeforewego?”Rhettgetsoutofbed,pullinghisboxerup.“Sure,”Ireply

alreadyknowingit'saboutmymoneysituation.

“Thefirstthingis,”Igrabat-shirtfromhisbag,“thiswholeCeCeshit,IpromiseI’msortingitout.

SheisjustmakingitalittleharderthanIwouldlike.”

“Rhett,thiswholeCeCebusiness,Ihatethatyoumarriedher,hateitsomuch.Iknowyouare

workingonfixingitandIreallyamtryingjusttomovepastit,”Itellhimbecauseitjusthurtstoomuchto

faceit.Itiemyhairupoutofmyface.“Second,Iwanttoknowwhathappenedafterthefight.Youcantell
mewhenyouareready,butIneedtoknowhowIcanmakethatpartrightforus,”Hetakesmyhandand
looksdownatmywrists,givingthemakissonebyone.

IknowIdon’twanttotellRhetthowbadIwas,butIalsoknowhe'snotgoingtodropthesubject

andwillkeepaskingmeuntilIeventuallytellhim.Maybethiswillbeagoodwayofgettinghimtoopen
uptometoo.

“Thosetwoweeks,werenotagoodtimeforme.Ihavefeltlostwithmyparent’sdeath,butIwas

young.Ithurtthen,anditstillhurtsnow,thattheyaren'therewithme,butlosingyouwaspainInever
wanttofeelagain.Whenyoudidn’tcometomydoor,IfeltlikeImeantnothingtoyou,andthathurtso
bad.”

“TheonlywayRhett,Icouldtakethatpainawaywasbydrinking.DrinkingsomuchthatIdidn’t

wanttofeelanymore,Ididn’twanttofeeltheloss,orloneliness,eventhepain.”Iwipedmytears.

“IlostmyselfinyouRhett,andeventhoughyou’rebackandI’mhere,Ican’tlosemyselfinyou

again.Ican’tfeellikethatagain.”Ilookdeepintohiseyes,andmoretearsescapeme.

Hebringshisfingertomycheekandwipesthemaway.

“Iwillneverletyouwalkawayfrommeagain,andifyoudo...Iwillknockthedoordowntotake

youbackagain.”

Helean’shisforeheadintomine,“Ihatedeverydaywithoutyounearme,Ithoughtmenotcoming

foryouwasthebestthingforbothofus.Butallitdidwasripmeapartinside.Thepainofbeingcuthit
meeverynight,IknewIhadtocomeback;nowI’mhereI’mneverleavingyouagain.”

Timehadpassed,andIneededtogettoNoah,SoIbegintoshift,“Ishouldget….”

“Idon’tthinkso”Rhettpullsmebackdown,“youknowwhatmythirdonewillbe?”Ilookintohis

eyesandwait;Ididn’trealizehewasn’tfinished.

Ishakemyhead.

“Youcan’tlivewithnomoney,”

Isighdeeply.

“Letmehelpyou.Evenifit’sjustforamonth,”Rhettliftsmychinuptolookathim,“Ilove,that

youareindependentandnevertakemoneyfromme.Whatyouaretodayyoudidyourself,butIcan’tsit
backandwatchthewomanIlovestrugglewhenIcanhelpher,”Hecupsmyface.

“Letmehelpyou,”Hepleads.Ilookathim,hatingthatIhavealreadygotEdtopayformystudies

fortwomonths,nowRhettalsowantstopayforthings.That’sonetoomanypeopleIwouldowemoney
to,butatthemomentIdon’treallyhavemuchofachoiceinthematter.Ihavenomoney.

“YouonlyhelpwhenIneedit,”Itellhim,Iknowhewillbuymefood,andtobehonest,that’sthe

onlytimeIneedmoney,otherthanthatI’mnotworriedasEmmawillpaymyrent.

“Promise,Iwillpayyourrent,andI’mnotgoingtofightoveriteither.”GettingoffthebedIshake

myheadasIcanseehimtakingcareofeverythingifhehadhiswayIwillneverhavetopayforanything
again.

I’minthebathroombrushingmyteeth,andIseeRhettinthemirrorstandingnexttome,“Question.

Whathappenedtoyourhouse?”Ilookathimsmilingatme.“ItwasmissingsomethingIreallyneeded,I
haveseenanewplace,goingtoseeitandifeverythingworksout,IshouldbetherebyThursday.”He
answers,puttingthebrushinhismouth.

Ispit,“What,didtheynothave,agymforyouoramancave,”rinsingmymouth,Ispitagain.“IfI

sayyes,Iwillshowyouthehouse,”rinsinghismouth,“CanIcomeovertoEd’slater?”heasks.

Ilookupathimalittletakenabackbyhisquestionthathewantstospendthedayhelpingmelook

aftertwolittlegirls.“IcanaskEdandseewhathesays,thenIcantextyou,”walkingbacktothe
bedroom,Igetallmystufftogether.

“Great,readytogo?”Rhettputsonapairofjeansthathangonhiships,eyeinghisV,ashetakes

offhist-shirt,Itakehimallinagain.Hishardabs,chest,thetattoos,myeyeslookathis,ashepullshist-
shirtdown.“Whatsexythingareyoudoinginyourhead?”Heasks,andthesexyboyishsmileappearson
hislips,I’vemissedthatsmile.

“Havenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Ismileathim.Iwasthinkingsexynaughtythingsinmy

head,butIthinkIwillsavethemforanotherday.

Puttinghisarmovermyshoulder,“Ofcourseyoudon’t,Ijusthopeyoudothem,orIgettodothem

toyou,”bringinghisheaddowntomyneckhelicksme.

Ilaughasweleavehisroom.Thathappyfeeling,Imissedhavingisback,andIwouldn’twantit

anyotherway.

***

LookingintoNoah’sroomashetalkstoPenny,Itakeinadeepbreathalreadyknowingthiswill

notbeafunconversation.

Walkingintohisroom,“Theresheis,whyhaveyounotbeenhere?”Noahshoutsatme.Nohello,

nosmilejuststraightintotheyelling.

“IthoughtPennywasherewithyou,webothdidn’tneedtobehere,”IglimpseoveratPennyand

herparents.Iflookscouldkillme,Iwouldbedeadnow.

“Don’tlie,ifmyroomhadbombsplacedinfrontofit,thatwouldn’tstopyou,sowhyhaveyounot

beenhere?”heaskssittingupinbed,IstayquietasIlookatPennywalkingovertohim.

“Ididn’twantherhere;it’sherfaultyou'reinhere,sleepingwitheveryguyinVegas,so…”

“Penny,youdon’tgettospeakaboutmysisterlikethat,”Noahshoutsather,“Itoldyouthen…”

“Yes,Iknowshewillalwaysbe…”

“No,Itoldyou,mysister,istheonlyfamilyIhaveleft,andIwouldneverleaveher,”Noahstops

Pennyfromtalking,shelookssoangryathim,foldingherarmsoverherchest.

“I’vetoldyou,Noah;Iwon’tstayhere.Whatifthatmanhitme?So,youcanstayhere;I’mgoing

back.”Turningonherheelstowalkbackovertoherparents.

Shehasmadehermindupaboutwhatshewantstodo,withorwithoutNoahshewillleaveVegas,

andmybrotherwillhavetochoosebetweenus,andIknowthathewon’tleaveme,butthereisnowayI
willlethimleavehisbabywithaparttimefather.

“No.I’vedonenothingtoyouforyoutotakemybabyawayfromme,”Noahsitsupmoreinbed.

RubbingmyforeheadasIlistentothembothfightingbackandforth.Pennyisnotbackingdownabout
leavingVegas,Noahtellingherhewon’tleaveVegasbecausethisiswhereIlive.

“Enough!”Ishout,Noahlooksatmeinshock.Thefirsttimehisheardmeyelllikethis.“Bothof

youstop,”lookingatthemastheylookatthefloor.“Noah,youhavetwochoices.One,tellherthetruth,I
meaneverything,ortwo,”Iclosemyeyes,asImighthavetopushmyfamilyawayfromme,“youmoveto
CaliforniawithPenny.”

“Star…”

“NoNoah.Youtalktoherorgo.Iwillnowleave,andIwillbebacktonighttoseeyou,andbefore

thatIdon’twanttohearfromeitheroneofyou.Imeanit.”WalkingovertoNoahIkisshischeek,“ifyou
loveher,tellher.”Iwhispertohim,thenwalkbackovertoRhett.“Iwillletyoubothtalk,NoahI’llbring
backyourfavoriteicecream,”smilingathimtolightenthemoodevenifit’sajustalittle.Noahnods,but
notreturningasmile.

Walkingoutoftheroom,Itakeaseatonthechair.Rhettkneelsdowninfrontofme,movingmy

hairawayfrommyface,“HeySweetheart,itwillworkout.”Intertwininghisfingerswithmine,“Come
on,Ithinktwolittlegirlsarewaitingforyou,”Rhettsmiles,makingmesmilebackathim.“Letmeknow
ifEdsaysIcancomeover,”asIstandupRhettbrusheshislipsonmine.

“Iwillletyouknow.”Wrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist.

Allthismanhastodoistouchme,formetofeelathousandtimesbetter.WheneverI’mwithhimI

feellikewe’reoneperson,hebreathes,Ibreathe,hetalks,Italk,hefeelspain,Ifeelpain.Iwantthisto
lastforever,yetIcan’tsaythreelittlewordstohim.

***

MyafternoonwentwellwithEd;hehelpedmeoutalotwithmywork;hetoldmeIhaveuntilnext

weektofinishtheworksohecancheckitformebeforeIhavetoturnitintothecollege.

“Girls,shouldwedryoffnow?”Iask,thethreeofusaresoaked.Theybothwantedtohavea

waterballoonfight,assoonasEdandBeckyleft,bothofthemjumpingupanddownasking,Imeanhow

wasIsupposedtosaynotothem.

“No,westillhaveballoons,”Zoeyellsatme.Grabbingtheballoon,readytothrowitatme.

“Saved,”Ilookatherasthedoorbellrings,“Berightback,andthenit’swar.”Ismileatthemboth.

Runningintothehouse,grabbingthetoweltorubmyarmsdry.Openingthedoor,“Hey,”Ismileat

Rhett,holdingabunchofredroses.

“Hello,Sweetheart,”lookingmeupanddown,acheekysmileappearsonhislips,“gettingallwet

withoutme.”Ibreakoutinafitofgiggles,takingastepintothehouse,“Igotyouthese,”kissingmy
cheek.Lookingatthebeautifulredandyellowflowers.

“Thankyou,theyarebeautiful,”walkingtothekitchentoputtheminavase,“Ihopeyou’reready

forawaterballoonfight?”Ilookovertowardshimasheputshisjacketonthechair.

“AuntyScarlett,comeon!”Jennyyellsasshewalksintothehouse,“UncleRhett,”shegiveshima

quickhug.

“No,nojustRhett,”Itellher.

“UncleRhettworksforme.”GivingJennyasmilethenlooksatmewinking.Heseemshappythat

he'sbeenletintomylifealittlemore.

“I’vefilledmoreballoonsup,sowecanteamupnow,UncleRhett,youplayingtoo?”Jennyasks,

usingherbeautifulbrightblueeyestogetherway.

“Iwouldlovetoplay,”Jennypullshimoutside,andIfollow.

“Weareallreadythen,”grabbingafewballoonsinmyhands.Rhettgrabssomeballoons,giving

meaquickkissonthelips.

“Ready,”JennyandZoeshoutthenrunaway.

TurningtoRhett,“lookslikewe’reonthesameteam.”

“Always,”hereplies,thewarmfeelingIthoughtIlostcomesbackburningmyinsideshard.Ilook

atRhettforamomentandsmile.

***

Finallygettingthembathedandcleanedup,I’mmakingdinner,Rhettandthegirlsdrawpictures.

Theywantedhomemadeburgers.

“Girls,let'scleanthetableplease,”walkingovertohelpthem.

“Bathroom?”Rhettlooksatme;Ipointtothedoortotheirdownstairspowderroom.“Thanks.”

“So,whathaveyoubeendrawing?”pickingthepapersup,puttingtheminapile.

“Princesscastles,”Zoesmilesatme,theybothruntothesinktowashtheirhands.

“Sweetheart,”Rhettwalksbacktothekitchen,lookingathimasIputtheplateoffoodonthetable.

“Iaccidentallyknockedyourbagdown,andthisbookfellout,”RhettsaysholdingmyGEDbookoutin
frontofhim.

“Girls,comeon,eatplease,”IsaynottakingmyeyesoffRhettasthegirlssitdown,Iheadbackto

thekitchentocleanup.

“Scarlett,don’tignoreme,please.”Rhettputsthebookonthecounter;Iturntofacehimagain.

WhatshouldIsaynow?

“Ineverfinishedhighschool,andIthoughtaboutdoingahotelmanagercourse,turnsoutIneedmy

highschooldiploma,soIthoughtIshoulddothis,”myvoicecomesoutalittleshakyasIreply,looking
downatthebookonthecounter.

“That'sgreat,Sweetheart.Ifeelabutcoming,”Rhettstandsnexttomeleaningonthecounter.

“Imightstop,Edhaspaidfortwomonthsforme,asIhavenomoney,butthenafterthat,Idon’t

knowyet.”RhettpullsmesoIstandinfrontofhim.“Idon’tknowifIcanbebotheredwithstruggling
again.”Ilookupathim.

Hestaysquiet,justlookingatme.Hisgreeneyesarestaringatme;he’sthinkingaboutsomething.I

hearthedooropenandmovebackfromRhett.

“Hey,hopeyouhadanicedayout,”IsmileatBeckywalkingovertothegirls.

“Itwaslovely,thankyouforlookingafterthegirls,”rubbingmyarmasshewalkspastme.

“Mommy,wewonthewaterballoonfight,UncleRhettwasnotverygood,”Zoetellshermom,and

Ican’thelplaughingathim.

“Ididn’tthinkIwasthatbad,”hewhispers.Shakingmyhead,IlookatEdstandingbythecounter.

“Scarlett,canIhaveaword.”

“It’sokayEd,Rhettknowsaboutmywork.”Ileanonthecounter,knowinghe'sgoingtogiveme

thespeechaboutfinishingmywork.

“Okay.Youhaveaweek,andIwantyoutogiveitbacksoIcanreadthroughit,”hesays,openinga

draw,“ifyoucansaveeverythingtothisUSB,thenIcanprintitoutifI’mhappy,”hesays,passingmethe
USB.

“Thankyou,Ed.Iwillworkhard,promise.”Givinghimakissonthecheek.“Iwillseeyounext

weekthen,”IwavetoBecky,walkingovertothegirlsIgivethemakissonthecheek,thengrabbingall
mystuff,weleave.

“Beforewegotothehospital,canIshowyouthehouse,whichgoodnewswillbereadyformeto

moveintomorrow,”Rhettopensthedoorforme.

“Iwouldlovetoseeit,”sittingdown,IwatchRhettwalkaroundthefrontofthecar.

AmandawantsmebackatworkonMondaywhichgivesmefourdaystoworkhardonmy

assessment,andRhettstillhasnotmentionedthatagain,soI’mwaitingtohavethatconversationagain.

Gettinginhesays,“Ihopeyoulikeit,asIplantokeepyoutheremostnights,”hissmilemakingme

laughalittle.

Chapter8

RhettwalksaroundtomysideofthecartoopenthedoorwhichIhadalreadyhalfopened.“Ican

openthedoorforyou,”Rhettsays,makingmesmile.IlovetheBritishgentlemeninhim.

Closingthedoor,lockinghisfingerswithminewewalktowardshishouse.Itisbeautiful,abig

doublegarage,themoststunningfrontentranceIthinkIhaveeverseen.Rhettopensthedoor,andthe
insideisstunning.WhitewallswithframesofRhett’sachievementsinthehallwayleadingtowardsthe
restofthehouse.

“So,thisisthesittingarea,”Rhett’shandisstillholdingontominetightly,thereisn'treally

anythingintheroom,acouchanicecreamcolour,theT.V,aglasstableinthemiddleandmatchingside
tables,lookingonthewall,hisgotabeautifulpictureofLondon.Itfitshimwell.Pullingmewithhimas
hewalks,“thekitchenwhereyouwillmakeeverythingyourmomhaswritteninherjournals,”Ilookat
Rhett,thenquicklybacktothekitchenwhichishuge.Blacktilesonthewall,creamcounters,thefridge,
seemswaytoobig.I’mstillsurprisedwithwhathejustsaidtome,aboutcookingmymother'srecipesin
here.

“Inthereisthegameroom,fortheguyswhentheycomeover,theofficeisthere,whichyoucanuse

tostudy,thewashroominhere.ThisdoorleadstothebasementwhichisthelastthingIwanttoshow
you.”Rhettpowertalksthroughallthat,hopingImissedhimsayIcanstudyinhisoffice,butIheardhim.

Choosingnottosayanythingaboutit,asmuchasIhatehavinghelpfromothers,thisissomethingI

knowIwanttodo;Iwanttohavesomesortofeducation.

Followinghimupthestairs,“TheBathroom,guestroomone,twoandthree,”Rhettpointstothe

doors.Ilookathimwonderingwhyhe’snotshowingmetheroomsinside,“Theyhaveabedinthem,you
won’tbestayinginthoseroomsanyway,”hesays,holdingmyhand,pullingmetotheonlydoorhedidn’t
sayanythingabout.

Ican’thelpsmiling,athowheisbeingaboutthishouse.Ihavetosayitisanicehouse.

“So,thisisourroom,”heopensthedoor,‘ourroom’hittingmeandIcanfeelmyselfpanickingand

socanRhett,hisgriponmyhandgetsalittletighter,soIdon’tpullmyelastic.“Ihopetobeusingthis
bedtomorrownight,withyoutiedtoit,”helooksovergivingmeawink.

TiedupandatthemercyofRhett,whynotheknowshowtoworkmybodybetterthanIdo.The

thingsIwantRhetttodotomeinthatbed,“Sothiswasmeanttobeafivebedroom,butIgotthemto
knockawallouttomakeanenormouswalk-incloset.”Hesayswalkingoverwithhim,“sowhenyoudo
moveinwithme,youhaveyourownspace.”Rhettwrapshisarmsaroundmefrombehind,asIlookat
thesizeofthiscloset,Imeanit’stwicethesizeofmybedroomnow.“Thenthebathroomisthrough
there,”walkingover,withRhettstillbehindme.“Gotabiggershowersowecanplay,”Ifeelhislips
smileonmyneck,“bathtofittwo,”Rhettadds.

“YourhouseisbeautifulRhett,”Iturnaroundtofacehim,“thistome,okayIhavenotlivedina

housebefore,butithaseverything,everyotherhousehas.”Isayrubbingmyhandsonhisarms.

“Iknowitdoes,butthebasementdoesn’t,”Rhettpullsmeinforakiss,“soyouheardmesay,‘our

bedroomwhenyoumovein,’sowhenareyoumovingin?”Rhettasks.

“I’mnotmovingin,Imeanwejustgotbacktogether,you’restillmarried,andwestillhavetotalk

aboutthings.”Isaywrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist,notwantinghimtoletgoofme.

“Wedidn’tbreakup,itwasmehavingtogobacktoEngland,andhadtohavesometimeapart,”the

wordsalmostcomeoutdemanding,andIdon’tthinkIwillfightthat,“CeCeisjustbeingabitchand
makingithardforme…”

“Well-beinginlovewithyou,shefinallyhaswhatshewants,”Iinterrupthim.

“AndIhavepromisedtotalk,justgivemesometime,andslowlyIwilltalk.Ipromise,”thelast‘I

promise,’comesoutinawhisper.

“Icanwait,pleasedon’tmakemewaittoolong,”IwhisperleaningintoRhett’schest,listeningto

hisheartbeating,ismusictomyears.

“So,movingin?”

“Notgoingtohappen.So,thisbasement,let'sseewhat'ssospecial.”Isaymovingawayfromhim,

Iseehe’snotallthathappyaboutmesayingno,butinallfairness,Iwillbeheremostofthetime,
anyway.

Rhetttakesmyhand,andIfollowhimdownthestairs,thendowntothebasement,“Yougotagym

inhere,”Ilookathim,thisisapropergym,evenhasaringforhimtotrainin.

“ThiswayIneverhavetoleaveyou,”hewalksaroundthegym,justcheckingeverything.

“WhyonearthwouldIwanttositdownhere,towatchyoudowhateveritisyoudoatthegym?”I

lookathim,ImeanIcan’tgetenoughofRhettwalkingaroundwithnotopon,butwhywouldIwantto
watchhimtrainforsolong.

“Well,IthoughtyouwouldsaythatthatiswhyIgotthisroommade,itwasthemissingpart,”Rhett

startsslowlyslidingthedooropen,asIstandnexttohim.

Asthedoorfullyopens,don’tcryScarlett,don’tcry.Ilookaroundtheroom;Rhett’smademea

library.Takingastepintotheroom,Ilookaroundtherearealreadysomebooksinthecases.

“Ithoughtwhenyoumovein;youcanbringyourbooksoverhere.”Rhettplaceshishandonmy

lowerback.

I’mnotsurewhatIshouldsay,nooneinmylifehaseverdoneanythinglikethisforme.Imean

Noahtries,butthisissomethingwherehehasthoughtaboutmefirst.

Rhetthasthoughtaboutme,ineverypartofthishouse,thekitchen,bedroom,closet,bathroomand

nowthisroom.

“You’venotsaidanythinginawhile,notsureifthat'sagoodsignorabad,”Rhettstandsinfrontof

mehiseyeslookingintomine,“Hey,Sweetheart.”Rhettgrabsmebythewaistandpullsmeinforahug
asthewaterbuildsupinmyeyes.

“Pleasedon’tbreakmeagain,”Isayintohischest.Idon’tthinkIcouldlivethroughanotherfall,

notnow,knowinghowmuchhe'sdone,itwouldbreakme,andIwon’tbeabletogetfixed.

“Never,”Hekissesthetopofmyhead.“So,youlikethehouse?”Takingastepbackfromme,and

waitsforananswer.

“Lovethehouse,”Ismileathim.“Howcomeyoumoveintomorrowandnottoday,youhave

everythinghere.”IsitonthearmchairwhichlooksstraightintothegymwhereRhettwouldworkout.He
plannedthatverywell.

“Allmyclothescometomorrow,andafewotherthings,”Rhettgrabsmyarmshepullsmeoffthe

armchair,soIbumpintohim.

“Well,I’msureforonenight,wedon’thavetowearclothes,”Isaygrinningathim,“plusIthought

tonight,”strokinghisarmsoftlywithmyfinger,“Icouldtrythisnewblindfoldyougotme,”Iwhisperto
him.

Ihearamoancomefromlips,“Youwillletthebeastloose,”hesaysnibblingmyear,“Oncehe's

out,it’shardtoputhimaway.”Rhetttakesinadeepbreathasifhisinhalingmein.

“Maybe...I……wantthe…beast,”Iwhisperslowlyintohisear.Rhett'slipsvibrateonmyneck

ashegrowls.

“Ifvisitinghoursweren’tclosingsoon,Iwouldnotbelettingyouleave,”Rhettpullsmeintohim,

“Youfeelthatthat'showmuchyouhaveworkedmeup,sotonightyouwillfeelthepainIwillbeinfor
therestoftheevening.”Thereitis,thesexyboyishsmile,Ilovesomuch.

Ibitemybottomlip,scarednowwhathe'sgoingtodotonight.

Takingastepbackfromme,hetakeshisphoneout.“Hey,Terry…goingtoseeNoah…tellmomI’ll

askher…canwetalkaboutthattomorrowplease…sureifScarlettsaysyesthenwecanmeetforlunch
after.”Rhettputsthephonebackinhispocket,“Shallwego?”Heasksme.

“Sure,whatwouldyouliketoaskme?”IplacemyhandintoRhett’sandfollowhimupstairs.

“Momwantstoknowifyouwanttogooutshoppinginthemorning,thenmeetupforlunch,”Rhett

closesthedoorbehindusaswewalktowardsthecar.

IthinkaboutwhetherIcangoshoppingwithherwithoutherknowingIhavenomoney,butIalso

don’twanthernottohateme.

“Sure,”Isitinthecar,Rhettleansdownandgivesmethatlook.“IcangoshoppingRhett,just

won’tbuyanything.”IplayfulpushhimoutthewaysoIcanclosethedoor,Rhettlooksatmeshakinghis
headashewalkstohissideofthecar.

***

Walkingintothehospital,IpickedupNoah’sfavoriteicecream,Ben&Jerry’sCookieDough.I

seePennytalkingtoherparents,andallthreeofthemlookatmeasIgetclosertotheroom.

“Scarlett,beforeyouseeNoahcanwetalk,please.”PennylooksatRhettandme.Ilookoverat

himandnodmyhead,“TellNoahtherearetwospoonsinthere,”Ismile,Rhettwinksatmeandwalks
intoNoah’sroom.IlookoveratPennyandherparents,justwatchingme.

DidNoahtalktothem?

ThenPennyhugsme,andnotasofthug;thisisastightasahugcanbe.Noahtoldthemeverything.

“MeandNoaharestayinghere,withyou.”Shefinallylettinggoofme,“I’msorryScarlett,notjustfor
howI’vebeenwithyou,buteverything,”shelooksatherparents,“Ialsowanttosaythankyou.Thank
youformakingNoahthemanheis.Hespokeaboutyoulikeyouwerehishero,andwhenNoahtoldus
aboutwhatyoubothwentthrough,whatyouwentthrough,Icouldseehewasn’tjustsayingit,youreally
arehishero.”Wrappingherarmsaroundmeagain.“Ihopewecanputthisbehindusandbefriends
again.”

“Ineverwanteditanyotherway.”Igivethemallasmile,Pennyletsgoofme,“justgoingtosee

Noahbeforevisitingtimesareover.”Isaywalkingovertotheroom.

“Ihopeyouhaven’teatenmyhalf,”Iwalkintotheroom,givingNoahasmileasIwalkintocloser

tohim.

“Iwouldn’theartheendofit,”Igivehimakissonthecheek,“Itakeityoutwoarebacktogether,”

Noahseemthrilledaboutit.

TakingthespoonfromRhett,“Ican’tbelieveyouatemyhalfoftheicecream,”Ilookoverat

Rhett,takingtheofhimandtakingaspoonfuloficecream,“Sothedoctorsaidifeverythinglooksgood
youshouldbeabletocomehomebytheweekend,”IlookoveratPennywalkingintotheroom.

“Yeah,needashower.”Hestartslaughing,“Willyoucometomorrow?”

“Icancomeafterlunch,Rhett’smomwantstogoshopping,”Ipullaworriedfacetohim,“Thenlunch,

youwantmetobringyouanything?”Iask.ThereisnowayIamabouttotellNoahIhavezeromoneyin
myaccount.

“No,Pennygetslunchforusboth.”Iwalkovertothecouchtograbmybagfromthecouch,“Star,

youokay?”Noahlooksatmeallworried.

“Yeah,justhappythatyouareallbetternow,”Iwalkbacktohim,“Iwillseeyoutomorrow.”

“Ihaveafewthingstodo,soI’lldropScarlett,andseeyouwhenIpickherup,”Rhetthighfives

him,asweleave.

It’snicetohaveonepartofmylifebacktonormal,Noahisgoingtobeokay,andPennydoesn’t

hatemeanymore.

“Canwestopatmine,soIcanpickupsomeclothes,”IaskRhett.

“Sure,mymomdroppedoffallmystufffromthehotelandcheckedmeoutearly,solookslikeI’m

finallymovingintothehouse.”Rhettlickshislips,notsureifthat’sexcitementforwhatwillhappenin
bedtonight,orifheisjustteasingme.

***

Walkinguptothefrontdoor,Rhettstopsandlooksatme.“Canwetalkbeforewegoin?”Igive

himanod,andfollowhimtothebench,infrontofthehouse.

Sittingdown,IwatchRhettashelooksanywherebutme.Ishegoingtotalk?Isheabouttotellme

somethingabouthisdemons?Momentsofsilentpassandnothing.“Rhett,”Iwhisperhisname,notsure
whatishappeninghere.

“ThemomentIopenthatdoorandwalkinwithyou.That’sitforme,onedayyouwilllivewithme

here,wewillgetmarriedandlivehere,ourchildrenwillgrowupinthishouse.”Rhettbringshiseyesto
finallylookatme,andfromwhathe’sjustsaidI’mpanicking,ImeanIhaven’tthoughtaboutthingslike
that,playingwithmyelasticIwaitformorefromhim.

“IpromisedIwouldtalktoyou,andIholdthatpromiseIwilltalk.It’sjust…”Herunshishand

throughhishair,“Iknowyouhaveneverliedtome,aboutAdamaboutyourpast,andIloveyousomuch
becauseofthat,youtrustme…”hestopsagain,andlookstheotherway.Ihavenoideawhatishappening
rightthismoment,buthe’sscaringme.

“Walkingthroughthatdoorwithyou,formeisshowingyouI’minthistotheend,andIwillnever

lietoyou…”Rhettholdsofmyhandstostopmeplayingwithmyband,“…IliedtoyouwhenItoldyou
thatmymommadefriendswithCeCe’smomaftermydad.Wehaveknowneachotherforyears,whenwe
werelittle,beforeyouask…mydemons…”Rhettstopsashechokesonthewords.

“Rhett,let'sgoinside,”Itakehishandandstandup.Eventhoughhe'snottoldmewhathisdemons

are,thiswastalking,andIknowhewilltellmebitshereandthere,whenhefeelsit’sthetime.

Walkingintothehouse,IfollowRhettuptohisroom.Myheartbeatsfaster,notsureifit'snerves

orexcitementfromthesexIamabouttohave.

Rhettletsgoofmyhand,ashewalksovertohisbagsandIwalkovertherosesthatRhettgotme,

leaningdownonthebedsidetabletosmellthem.Tohaveascentofthem.

“Ilovewhenyouweardresses,Igetyounakedquicker,”Rhettstandsbehindme,hishandsunder

mydressonmythighs,Icanfeelfabricinhishands,“DoyoutrustIwillneverhurtyou,andtonightisfor
yourpleasureandnotjustmine?”Rhettkissesthebackofmyneck,asheslowlypullsmydressup,and
overmyhead.

Withmybacktohim,InodtolethimknowIunderstandwhathejusttoldme.Feelinghisfingers

movingupmybodyIleanbackintohimasthelaceblindfoldcoversmyeyes,myheart,beatinga
thousandtimesfaster.Turningmearoundhisfingergentlytouchingmyface,“IhavesomesurprisescanI
trythem?”Hisquestionisawhisper,butIhearhim.

Islowlynodmyhead,asRhett’sfingerismovingdownmyneck,“Sweetheart,Iwanteverypartof

you,canIhaveeverypartofyou?”Iknowwhathe'stalkingabout,andIdon’tknowhowIfeelaboutthat
yet.ThebreathinggetsfasterasIpanic,movingmyfingerstomyelasticband.

Rhettstopsme,“Iwon’ttouchyouthereuntilyousaythreewordstome;IwanttoknowwhatIcando,

andwantIcan’t.”Hisvoicesoothingme,bitingmybottomlipsasIwonderwhathe'sgoingtodonext.

Rhettliesmeonthebed,“Idon’twanttotieyouupSweetheart,Idon’twantthatrelationship,I

wanttoloveyou,treatyouwithnothingbutlove.”Ifeelhisfingertracingmyarm,slowlymovingit
abovemyhead.“Youwon’tmove,willyou?”Idon’tfeelRhettnearme;Ihearfootsteps.Ihearhim
walkingawayfromme,butonlytofeelhimdoingthesametotheotherarm.

“No,”myvoicecracksasthewordsescapemylips.IfIlistenhardenough,Icanhearmyheart

tryingtoripbeatingsofast;itfeelslikeit’sjumpingoutofmychest.Throughthelace,Icanseethelight
andashadowmovingaroundthebed.

IshiverasIfeelsomethingonmycollarbone,afeather.Rhettslowlymovesitdownmybodyover

mybreast,teasingmynipples,Icanfeelthemgettinghard.It’snotafeather;itfeelsdifferent.Moving
againtomystomachasitcomesclosertomypussymybodyagainshiversfromunexpectedpleasure
runningthrough.Thisfeelslikepetalsofaflower.It’sremovedthenIfeelitgentlyonmycheek,gettingto
smellit,it’sarose,mymindwonderswhathe'sdoingwithit,ashebringsittomylips.

Again,Rhettgrazesitdownmybody,thistimenotstoppingatmypussy,movingdownmyrightleg

ticklingasitgetstomyknees,anddownmycalftomyankle.MovingovertoleftankleRhettsoftlymoves
upmyleg.MybodyreactingtothisinawayIneverthoughtitwould,mystomachtighteningforthe
pleasureofasimplerose.

Mynipplesaregettingharder,andthewarmfeelingrunningthroughmybodygetsmoreintenseas

Rhettmovestherosefurtherupmyleg.Itakeinasharpbreathastherosesstopatmypussy,Rhettmoves
itevenslowerthanbefore,makingsureIfeeleverytouchoftherose.

ImoanasRhettcontinuestomovearoundmypussy,Ihearasmallgrowlcomefromhimasmy

bodyarchesalittlefrompleasure.Icanfeelmyselfgettingwet,theroseisremoved,andIbitemylipnot
tomoanatthewithdrawalofit,thenheplacesitonmythighmakinglittlecirclesonmythighsocloseto
mypussy,theteasingoftouchingmebutnottouchingme.

Mybreathingisgettingalittleoutofcontrol,asIwaitforRhetttomovetheroseclosetomeagain,

thenthereitis,movingupanddownmypussy.“Ummmmmm,”Ipressmylipstogetherasthesound
escapes.Therosesareplayingwithmyclit,“OhGod,”thewordsleaveinawhisperasthepleasureof
therosesispushingmeclosertomyorgasm.“Rhett,”Isayhisnamealittlelouder,wantinghimtoletme
finish,butnowtherosesitmovedawayfromme.Thefrustrationisrunningthroughmybody,Ifeel
incomplete.

Feelingthebeddip,Rhettsittingonthebed.Hiswarmtongueisteasingmybreast,hishand

massagingmyleftbreastashismouthworksontheother.IhearmoanscomingfromRhett,onlymaking
myliftmybodysohecangetmoreofthebreast.Pinchingmynipplehard,makesmemoanoutin
pleasure,andthenagainashebitesmynipple.IloveitwhenRhettuseshistongueonme;heknowswhat
he'sdoingwithit,andheknowswhatIlikehimtodowithit.

Usinghishandstosqueezemybreastsasclosetogetheraspossible,helicksbothmynippleswith

onelongflickofhistongue.Thenhefocusesonjustoneagain,bitingit,harder,harder,andI’maboutto
screamoutandtellhimtostop—afraidthatitwouldhurttoomuch.ButjustbeforeIdo,Rhettreplaceshis
teethwithhislips,thenhistongueandhedidthattwirlingthingagainthatmakemegowild.

“Please,”Ibeg,asmybodycan’tcontroltheorgasmwantingtojumpoutofmybody,myfingers

diggingintothesheetsstoppingmyselffromtouchinghim.Pullingawayfromme,“No,”Ialmostshout
out.SinkingintothebedasItrytocontrolmybreathing.

“Thismighthurt,butIpromiseinafewsecondsyouwillenjoythem,”IhearRhettwhisperinmy

earthenbitemyearlobe.

Ifeelapinchonmyrightnipple,bitingmylowerlipstostopmefromscreamingoutinpain,and

thenIfeelthesamepinchonmyleftnipple,myhandsgrabthesheets.Iseeashadowmoveawayfrom
me,andthenthemostpowerfulstimulationrunsthroughmybody,andthethingsonmynipplesvibrate.

“OhGod,”IshoutoutatthepleasureIcan’tcontrolanymore,IfeelRhett’shandonmythigh,

slowlymovingup.

Hislipsarekissingmythigh,ashisfingersmoveclosertomypussy,Ifeelasmileonmylegfrom

hislips,“Youreadytocum,Sweetheart?”

“Yes,yesplease,”mybackarchesoffthebed,asthevibrationsonmynipplepickupontheir

speed.

“WhatifIdothis?”Rhett’stongueflicksmyclit.

“Rhettplease,”Iballupthesheetsinmyhands,IwanttojumpoffthiscliffthatI’msoclosetothe

edge.

“Cumforme,Sweetheart.”Rhett’stongueonmyclitteasingitagain,andhedidn’thavetotellme

twice.

Mybodytremblesastheworldaroundmefadeawayfromthisorgasm,Rhettlickingmypussy

fromthebottomtothetop,takingallmyjuicewithhim,mybodyfinallystopstumblingandrelaxesonthe
bed.Makingmenoticethatmynipplesaren’tvibratinganymore.

“I’mnotfinishedwithyoujustyet,Sweetheart.”ThevibrationstartsagainasRhett’sfingerenters

me.Ashisfingerworksinsideme,Ifeelhislipsplantingkissesupmybody.Ifeelhishardcockagainst
mylegs,openingmylegswiderforhim,wantinghimtobeinsideme.

Hislipsstopbymyneck.“Ididn’tthinkIcouldloveyouanymorethanIdid,butyouScarlettare

madetobelovedbyonlyme.”Hislipscrashintomine,histonguedartingintomymouth,Rhettadds
anotherfingerandpicksuphisspeed.MoaningintoRhett’smouthasthevibrationgoesupaspeed,Rhett
feelsthevibrationandhisbodyisontopofminenow.

Breakingawayfromme,hisfingerpullingoutofme,“Mmmmmm,youtastesogood.”Ihear

sucking,hishandtrailingdownmybodyholdingitdownasthepleasurebuildsupalloveragain.

Rhettpullsawayfromme.“No,”Iwhisper,butIfeelhimagain,spreadingmylegsIcanfeelthetip

ofhiscockteasingme,“PleaseRhett,”Ibeg.

Inonequickmovement,Rhettisinsideme,“Yes,”IscreamasRhettpushesharderandharder

insideme.Hishandismovingupmybody,pullingthevibratorsoffofme,thenmassagesmyrightbreast
squeezingitharderashepushesinandoutofme.

“Scarlett,”mynamesoundslikeheavencomingfromhislips,liftingmylegheplacesitonhis

shoulder,“Youarethemostbeautifulwomanintheworld.”Rhettleansdown,pushingmylegdownwith
him,hislipscrushmine.Thegrowlissomuchlouder.“Touchme.”

Myhandquicklymovetohisshouldersashisspeedpicksup,mynailsdiggingharderintohis

shoulders,mymoansaregettinglouder,Rhettisgrowlinglouder.

“OhGod,Rhett,”IsayasIfeelmyselfreadytocumagain.

“Cum,Sweetheart,”Rhettgrowlsatme.

ThatwasIallIneedtohear,mybodytrembling,mynailsdiggingintoRhettasIcum,IfeelRhett

gettingcloseandthenwithoneharderpushinsideme,IfeelthewarmthspreadthroughmybodyasRhett
cumsinsideme.Hisbodyisshaking,slowingdownhispace,hishandmovingupmyfaceandpullingthe
blindfoldoffme.

Givingmyselfamomenttoadjusttothelight,Rhettkissesme,softly,tenderly.Rhettstaysinside

meforamomentashecontinuestokissme.

IknowsexwithRhettisamazing,buttonightitwasmind-blowing,somethingIwanthimtodo

againandagain.

Keepinghishandonmycheek,“Areyouokay?”Ilovelookingintohisbeautifuleyes,Icanseethe

smallworryinhiseyes.

“Neverbetter,”Ismile.Pullingoutofme,helaysdownhislegovermylegsandhisarmovermy

waist.

Bothgettingourbreathbacktonormal.“ShallIrunthebath?”Rhettasks,gettingoffthebedturning

tofaceme.“Don’tsleep;Iwillcarryyoutothebath.”Heleansdowntogivemeakiss,“Iloveyou,
ScarlettParker,”Rhettwalksovertothebathroom,andItryveryhardtokeepmyeyesopen,Imeanthree
orgasmsinonenight,isenoughtoletmesleepforawholeday.

AsIclosemyeyes,Ifeelarmscomingundermybody,“ComeonSweetheart,”Iwrapmyarms

aroundRhett’sneck.“Wecansleepin,butfirstIwanttowashthissexybodyofyours.”Hewhispersinto
myear.

Chapter9

IhadanicemorningwithHelen,shewantedtobuygiftsforsomefriendsbackhome,toldme

storiesaboutRhettwhenhefirststartedfighting,whichwasnice.ShealsotoldmethatsheandTerry
wouldtellRhettaboutthemtoday,howtheyhavekeptitfromhimforayearisbeyondme.

“Doyougoseeyouparentsalot?”HelenasksaswewaitforRhettandTerrytojoinus.

“Yeah,onceaweekifI’mhavingaroughtime.Iknowit'snotthesameastalkingtothem,butit’s

theonlywayIknow.”Igrabmyglassofwaterandtakeasipofmywater,IcanfeelmyselfpanickingI
don’tlikethemliketalkingaboutmyparents.

“Ithinkit'snice,youhavethemclosetoyouallthetime,”Helensmilesatme.“Thereyoutwo

are,”ShesaystoRhettandTerryastheysitdown.

Oh,thankgod,IwasworriedasIthoughtIwouldhavetotalkaboutmyparentsmore.

“Sorrymom,themeetingdidn’tgotoowell,”helooksather,thenleansovertogivemeakiss.

“Hello,Sweetheart.”

Meeting,hedidn’ttellmeaboutameeting,butIdidn’tevenaskwhatheisdoingtoday.

“Westillhavetotalktothem,itmightchange,”TerrysaysgivingRhettalook,andhenodshis

head,thenlooksatthewaiter.

Givingourorder,IlookatHelentalkingtoTerry.“Rhett,Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutsomething,

andIdon’twantyoutogetmad.”HelenlooksatRhettasheputshisphonedown,andhesmilesather.He
knowswhatsheisabouttosay;Iknowthatlookwell.

“Thatyoutwoaredating,forayearnow.”Rhettsaysmakingmelaughalittle,“Comeon,youtwo

weren’tactuallyhidingitthatwell.”

“Andyoudidn’tsayanything?”Terrylooksathim.

“Youtwoarehappy,ifshewasupsetorhurtthenIwould.Terry,youknowmeifmymumishappy

I’mhappy.”Rhetttakesasipofhisbeer,thenputshishandonmyleg.

“Itoldyouhewouldn’tgetmad,”Istartpickingatmysalad.

“Areyoucomingtomorrownighttotheevent?”Helenasks,makingmelookupatherinsurprise,

I’msureRhetthasnotaskedmetogoanywherewithhim.

“Iwasgoingtoaskyoutonight;IswearIwas.”Rhettquicklyadds,“Thereisaneventtomorrow

nightwhichIhavewontheprizeforfighteroftheyear,and…”

“Wow,that'samazing.”Igivehimasmile,“Iwouldlovetocome,youmightwanttoaskyourwife

ifit’sokayyoubringadate,”Ismileathim,asIlookatmyphonelightingup,onthetable.

“Hello,Adam.”

“Scarlett,Ispoketosomefriends,andifNoahisstilllookingforajob,Imightbeabletohelp.”I

hearhimtypinginthebackground.“IfyoucangiveNoahmynumber,thenIcantalktohimaboutit.”

“Thanks,Adam,I’mseeinghimlater.Youstillcomingdownnextweek?”Iask,Rhett’shandgetsa

littletighteronmyleg.

“Yes,Ihavetogo,gotameeting,anditwouldbelatewhenIfinishedsoIwantedyoutoknow

whatwashappening,”Adamsays,andIcanhearsomuchtalkinginthebackground.

“Iwillseeyounextweek,”Iendthecall,andputthephonedownonthetable,Igetbacktomy

food.

“Idon’twantyouseeinghim,”Rhettsays.

“WellIdon’twantyoutoseeCeCe,butyouare.So,youhavenorighttotellmewhoIcanbe

friendswith.”Ilookoverathim,andIcanseehe’sannoyedwithmyreply,buthe’snottellingmewhoI
canandcannotbefriendswith.

“Thatputyouinyourplace,”Terrytellshim,“He’susedtogettinghisway,”helooksatmeand

winks.

Shakingmyhead,“Wellifhewantsthat,hemightwanttogobacktohisbimbos,becauseit’snot

happeningwithme.”ItellTerry,whoreturnsmysmile.

“I’msittingrighthere;I’msorryIshouldn’ttellyouwhoyoucan’ttalkto.”Rhettlooksathim

mom,thenbackatme.“Ihaveafunnyfeelingabouthim.”Headdsthentakesthelastbitofhisbeer.

“Anyway,tomorrownightwhattime?”Iaskchangingthesubject.Idon’tknowwhyRhettis

worried,ImeanIhavetoldAdamthatI’mbackwithRhett,andheunderstandsthat.

“Wewillleaveatseven,”HelenanswersmeasTerryandRhetttalkaboutsomething,“Weareall

going,soyouwon’tbealone.”

Pattingmyhand,wasitthatobviousIwasworried?

“Great,”Igiveherasmile.

IthinkachatwithmymomiswhatIneed,myfirstbigthingwithRhettandI’malittlenervous

aboutit.WhatifIembarrasshim,orifIembarrassmyself?

Holdingmyhand,strokingmywrist.“Hey,what’swrong?”Rhettlooksatmealittleworried.

“Nothing,justthinkingthat'sall,”Isay.Idon’twanthimtoknowwhyI’mscaredabouttomorrow.

“IhaveanAAmeetingtonight;thenIwillgohome…”

“Younotcomingovertonight?”Rhettstopsmetalking.

“No,thoughtIwouldspendthenightwithEmma,”Ireply.Iwanttoreadmymom’sjournals,I

rememberreadingapartabouthergoingtoaneventwithmydad,Iwanttoreadit.Irememberseeinga
pictureinthereaswell.

Finishingourfood,IsaybyetoHelenandTerry,thenwalkovertothecarwithRhett.Standingby

thedoor,heholdsitshut.“Talktome,”Ilookupathim.

“About?”Iask.

“What’swrong?Youwerepullingyourelasticlikeyouwaspanicking.”

“Nothing,talkingtoyourmom,justmadememissmine,andthoughtIwouldgoseehertoday.”I

lookathim;I’mnotlyingbutnottellingthetrutheither.

Rhettstaresatmeforawhile,thenopensthedoorforme.SittingdownIlookatRhettwalking

around,nottakinghiseyesoffme.

“Sweetheart,ifyoueverwanttotalk,mymomwilllisten,andIwilltellhernomatterwhatifyou

saynottoletmeshewon’ttellme?”Rhetttakesmyhandinhis,plantingagentlekissonthem.

“Iwanttoreadherjournaltoo,”Iadd,notwantingtoaddmoretothisconversation.Rhettdoesn’t

sayanythingbacktothat,andI’mhappyhedidn’t,sometimesjustknowingheknowshowI’mleavingis
enough.

***

IcamehomeaftervisitingNoah,thedoctorsarehappywitheverything,andheshouldbeback

homebySaturday,RhetttoldhimwewouldhaveaBBQathishousewhichNoahwasthrilledabout.

Sittinginfrontofthegraves,“Mom,todayIneedyouradvicesomuch.ThenIfoundthis…”Iopen

thejournaltothepage,Imarkedandread.

“Tonight,yourfatherisbeingmadepartnerinthelawfirm,andI’msohappythathishardwork

haspaidoff.Heissonervous;Iamtoo.Idon’twanttoembarrasshim,soIwentshoppingtodayand
broughtanicenewreddress,somethingspecialfortheevening.

Iwillwritetomorrowtoletyouknowhowtheeveningwent.

Deardaughter,therewillbetimesyouwillhavetostandnexttoyourboyfriend/husbandand

fearwillovertakeyou.Justrememberthathehastakenyoubecausehewantsyouthereforthe
happiestmomentinhislife.

Iloveyou.x

Closingthejournal,Iwipethetearsaway.“Eventhoughyouaren’there,you’restillgivingme

advicewhenIneeditmost,”Isay.

IpackedabagtogotoRhett’safter,IreadthejournalbeforeIleftandIwanttobewithhimafter;I

wantahug.Ifoundmymom’sreddresstooinstorage,gaveitacleanIthoughtitwouldbenicetowear
tomorrownight.Icouldneverpartwithmymom’sclothes.

“I’vetoldNoahtolookthroughthestorageunitandchoosewhathewantstokeep,Ihaveafew

boxesI’mkeeping,andtherestIthinkit'stimetopartwayswith.IwishIhadahouseIcouldputsomeof
thebiggerthingsin,butIdon’tandI’msorrythatIwillhavetopartwithyouinthatsmallway.”Myeyes
lookoverattheelderlywoman,walkingovertoagrave,Iturntomymom’sgrave,“Mom,whyisitso
hardformetosayIloveRhett,Iwanttosayittohim,butsomethingisstoppingme,andIdon’tknow
what.”Itracemyfingeroverhername.

“Darling,”Ilookupattheelderlywoman,“Thosethreewordshavemorepowerinthemthanany

otherwords.Youknowwhenthetimeisrighttosaythembecausenothingintheworldwillstopyoufrom
sayingthem.Andwhenyoudo,thatmanwillneverletyougo.”

Shelooksatmyparent’sgraves,“I’msorryforyourloss,”thenshewalksawayfromme.Ilookup

totheskyandsmile;mymomwillalwaysfindawaytogetadvicetome.Lookingbackdown,“Ibestget
going,”IstandupIplantakissonthegravesandwalkaway.

***

Knockingonthedoor,IwaitforRhetttoanswer,thinkingbacktothewoman’sadviceaboutsaying

threewords.IsmileasRhettopensthedoor.

“Hello,Sweetheart,”hepullsmeintothehouse,pushinghislipsintomine,“Nicesurprise,didyou

missmethatmuch,”hesayswithhisboyishsmile.

“Justneededahug,”Ismilebackathim,lettingmegoIopenthedoor.

“Youcameallthiswayforahug,nowyou’releaving,”Rhettgrabsmyarmtostopmemoving.

Ican’thelplaughing,“No,mybagsareoutside,goingtogetthem.”Isaytakingmyhandoutofhis,

pullingmefurtherintothehouse.

“Icangetit,”hewalksout,thenbackwithmybag,andasmallboxwhichhe’slookingin,witha

funnyexpressiononhisface.

“Myjournal,andIbroughtsomeofmymom’storead,Ihopeyoudon’tmind.”Itaketheboxfrom

himandwalkintothesittingarea.“Hi,Jay,”givinghimakissonthecheek.

“Hello,beautiful,weneedtotalk.”Jaypointshisfingeratme.

“Sweetheart,bringthemallhere.”Rhettwrapshisarmsaroundmefrombehind.

“Whatwouldyouliketotalkabout?”IlookoveratJay.

“Okayfirst,canyoufight?Becauseifyoucan,canyoubeatCeCeup,sheisbeingabitch,”Ican’t

helplaughinghardatthat.

“Jay,Iwould,butsomeonewon’tletme,”Isaystilllaughingathim,thatissomethingIwillask

aboutalittlelater.

“Second,Jessica,yousaidallfiftyshades,Ithoughtyouweremessingwithme;sheisallfifty

shades.SheaskedmeifIhavearedroom,really.”Jaythrowshimselfonthecouch,“Whoreallyhasa
redroom,ImeanIhavetoysandstuff,butallthathappensinmybed…”

“No,no,no.Stoppingyourightthere,Idonotwanttoknowwhatisgoingoninyourbedroom,

pleasedon’t.Ifthisistheconversation,thenI’mgoingtoread.”Ilookathim,pleadingforhimtostop
talking.

“Iwasn’tgoingtotellyoueverything,justsomeofthekinkystuff,”Jaygivesmeawink.

Shakingmyhead,IlookatRhett,“Pleasetellmeyoudon’ttellhimaboutus?”Iaskhim.

“No,”Rhettwalksovertome“LikeI’mgoingtosharethethingsIdotoyou.”Hekissesmecheek.

“Thewayyouscream,”hewhispersinmyear.

“Haveyoutwohaddinner?”Iask,thingsaboutRhettmakingmescreamtonight,asmileappearson

mylips,andRhettletsoutasmallchuckleknowingwhatI’mthinkingrightnow.

“Notyet,we…”

Thedoorbellgoesoff,“Iwillgetit,”IsayasRhettandJaylookateachother.Iopenthedoorand

stareatthepersonstoodinfrontofme,“Rhett,yourwifeishere.”Iletherin,closingthedoor,Ifollow
hertoRhett.

Thisshouldbeinteresting.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Rhettbarksather,“Itoldyoueverythinggoesthroughmylawyer

now.”JaystandsupandwalksoverasIleanonthewall,withmyarmsfolded.

“Yes,butIthoughtwecouldtalkaboutthis,andseeifwecanworkonitwithoutthem,”CeCe

walksclosertohim,“Ispoketomylawyerandcameupwiththis,”shehandshimsomepapers.

Rhettlooksthroughthem.“FUCKYOU!”hethrowsthepapersbackather,“CeCe,Ialreadygive

youmonthlypayments,Iwon’tpayanymorethanwhatIdo.Ifourfriendshipmeansanythingtoyouthen
signthepapers,”Rhettlooksatme,Igotowalkaway,“Whereareyougoing?”Rhettshoutsatme.

“Tothekitchentomakedinner,”Isay,givinghimalookbegginghimtoletmego,Idon’tneedto

beherelisteningtothis.Noddinghishead,Iwalkaway.

“I’mnotsigningthem,youandIbothknowit’smeanttobethisway,”IhearCeCeshoutathim.

“IfyoufuckupmyrelationshipwithScarlett,Isweartofuckinggod,CeCe…”Ireachthekitchen

andlookoutthewindowasIcan’thearthemtalkinganymore.Whatisthemonthlypaymentsfor?Iask
myselfwalkingovertothefridge,soseewhattomake.

AsI’mfinishingmakingthesauce,Jaywalksintothekitchen,dippinghisfingerintoit,“Thatisso

good,”Hetakesanotherspoonful.

“Shestillhere?”IaskasIdrainthepasta,butthenRhettwalksintothekitchen,answeringmy

question.Helooksmoreannoyedthanwhenbefore.“Dinner’sready,”IsayasImixthepastainthe
sauce,“Canyougetthegarlicbreadoutoftheoven,please,”IlookatJaystandingnexttoit.

“I’msorry,shecameover.”Rhettwalksoverpullingmeinforahug;Ithinkheneedsthehugway

morethanIdo.“Youhavequestions,Iknow,butIcan’tanswerthem.Notyetanyway.”Rhettlooksatme,
andtheannoyancesarewrittenallovermyface,“Please,don’tlookatmelikethat.”

Ipushhisarmsawayfromme,Imeanhecantellmesomethinganything,butnotIcan’tanswer

them.Evenifitwas,IgiveCeCemoneybecauseIboughtherahouse,orIhelpheroutsometimes,notI
can’tanswerthem.“Dinner’sready,”Iwalktothetable,puttingthebowlofpastaandsaladdown.

“HowlongyouhereforJay?”Iask,notlookingatRhett.

“IgobackwithHelen,butI’mbackforhisfight,mightstayalittlelongerthen,notsureyet.”I

smileashetakesspoonfulafterspoonfulofpastaonhisplate.

“Scarlett,Ilikeyou,andIcanseeyoupissed,butIswearifhecouldtellyouaboutthemoneyhe

would.”HelooksoveratRhett,“ImeanhehatesCeCeasmuchaswedo,but…”

“Jay,”Rhettstopshim.IlookatJaygivinghimalook.“Changethesubject.”

“YouthinkCeCewillbetheonetofuckupthisrelationship,lookinthefuckingmirrormate.”Jay

snapsbackathim.Puttingpastaonmyplate,they’rebothwaitingforoneofthemtosaysomething.

“Okayyoutwo,Jaydon’tworryI’mnotleaving,andifhepushesmeaway,Iwillbeback.Iknow

hewilltalktomeandtellme,Ihavetowait.”IlookoveratRhettashefinallypicksuphisforktoeat.
“Sopleaselet’snotruindinner.Please.”IlookoveratJay;hegivesmeasmallsmile,butIcantellhe's
stillpissedatRhett.

RubbingmyforeheadasIcontinuetoeatmyfood.Iwonderifarecoveringalcoholiccanever

haveadrinkagain,orifit’sneveragain.ImeandayslikethisoneIwouldloveadrink.Takingmyphone
outIsendEdImessage,Imeanhe'sapartnerthisiswhathe'stherefor,totalktome.

CanIcallyouin30mins?

Gettingbacktomyfood,IlistentoJayandRhetttalkingaboutasportsteam.

Ed-Yes.

GettingbacktomyfoodIfinishthelastbit,thisconversationhasjustgotoutofcontrol,astheyare

nowsayingitshouldn’thavebeenagoal,Irollmyeyesandpickupthedishes,astheycarryon.

Walkingaroundinthegarden,waitingforEdtopickupthephone,RhettandJaywentoffintothe

gamesroom,justhappythattheywerebothfinewitheachother.

“Hello,”Edanswers,“Sowhat'splayingonyourmind?”

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadadrink?”Iask,gettingstraighttothepoint.“I’mcomingonto

nineyearssobernow.”

“Whenyou'rehavingabaddayorjustneedthatsomethingtomakeyou…Idon’tknowEd.”Isay

notsurewhatIwanttosaymyself.

“Talktome.”ItellEdabouttheconversationwithCeCeandwhatRhettsaidafter,whichannoyed

me.ItellhimhowIjustwantonedrink.“DoyouwanttobewithRhett?”Edasks.Istayquietfora
moment,andthereisnotonepartofmybodythatissayingno.

“Yes,”Ianswerlookingoveratthehouse,Jaywavesbye,wavingbacktohim;IlookatRhett

watchingme.“Scarlett,eithergivehimtimetotalklikehesaid,orwalkaway.Bethestrongoneatthe
moment,andyouhavemetotalkto,Rhettwon’tletyoudrinksoyoucantalktohimtoo.”

Itakeadeepbreathin,“Justfindingithardsometimes,”myeyeslookdownatmywristturningred

now,Ididn’tevenrealizethatIhadbeenpullingmyband.

“Takeyourmindoffit,study.”Ihearhimlaugh.“Thankyou.”

“Anytime,callmetomorrowjustsoIknowhowyou'refeeling,”Edtellsme,endingthecall,I

walkbacktothehouse.

***

LookingaroundforRhett,Ihearhimupstairs.Walkingintothebedroom,“Whatareyoudoing?”I

ask,watchinghiminthecloset,lookingthroughhisbags.

“Nothing,IgotyousomethingfromEnglandandnotsurewhichbagIputitin,”Rhettopensanother

bagriflingthroughit.Hisclothesareallthrownaroundtheroom.“Here.”Heholdsupabag.

Handingmethebag,IsmileasIlookinside,“Yougotmechocolate,”thesmilegetsbigger,ahuge

bagfullofchocolateandsweets,bestgiftever.

“NowyouwillagreethatEnglishchocolateiswaybetter,”Rhettwrapshisarmsaroundmywaist,

andslowlypushesmebackwardsoutofthecloset,myhandsonhisshoulders.“Ithinkweneedtotalk.”
Mylegshittingthebed,sittingmedown.

Rhettlooksdown,strokingmywristwithhisfingers,“Myfatherwasavileman,thethingshedid

tomymother.”IfeelRhett’sbodyshiver;thesamewayminedoeswhenIthinkbacktothosedays.“He
dranktothepointwherewewerehispunchingbags;hegambledallourmoneyaway,thecar.”

Rhettstopstoletoutadeepbreath,“He…”Rhettchokesouttheword,heclearshisthroat,“He

metDave,CeCe’sdadonenightwhentheyweregambling,andtheybecamefriends,thefamilybecame
friends.”Rhettstopsagain.

Icanhearhowhardthisisforhimtotalkabout,ImeanIknewmystorywashardtotellhim,but

thereissomethinginhispastthatiskillinghiminside,Ihavenoideawhatthatis,butIknowit’seating
himupinside.

Takingmyhand,Iplaceitonhischeek,bringhishands-ontopofmine,that'swhenIfeelit,atear

hitmyhand.Standingup,Imovebetweenhislegandwrapmyarmsaroundhim.Ihavenoideawhat
happenedtohimwhenhewasyounger;maybeitwasworsethanwhathappenedtome,maybeitwasthe
same,andhe’sfindingittoohardtotellme,maybehe'snevertoldanyonebefore.

AllIknowisthatRhettwantstotalktome.Hisdemonsarestoppinghim.He’schokingonthe

memories.

Chapter10

Sittinginthegarden,Ilookthroughmyassignment.Rhettisstillsleeping,lastnighthetookagesto

fallasleep.Ididn’tsleepatall,Rhettopeningthedoortohispast,Iwasscaredhewouldhaveabad
dream.Whenhedidfinallygettosleep,hemovedaroundsomuchmorethannormal,saidafewwords.I
liedtherewatchinghimsleep,listeningtohimbreathe,feelinghisheartbeatagainstmyhand.

“Morningbeautiful,”Rhettkissesmeonthehead,ashesitsdownnexttome,“howlongyoubeen

awake?”Heasks,takingmypapersoutofmyhand.

“Bythelooksofhowmuchworkyouhavedone,alongtime.”Rhettpassesmehiscoffee.“Ididn’t

sleep,youweremovingaroundalot,andIwatchedyou,”Itellhimtakingasipofhiscoffee.Iremember
himsayingthatsoonaswewalkthroughthedoornolying,Iwouldneverlietohim,anyway.

“Sorry,”hewhispersstilllookingatthepapers.

“Whatdoyouhaveplannedfortheday?”Iask.IcalledNoahthismorning,andhesaidhewas

beingdischargedfromthehospitaltoday,andhejustwantedtosleepinhisownbedallday,soItoldhim
thatIwouldbeovertomorrow.

“NothingIjustneedtotalktoTerryaboutthisfightwithZach,Terry’ssayinghewillseehowIcan

fititin,aroundmyotherfight.”Rhetthandsmemypapersback.

Bitingtheinsideofmycheek,hearinghisname.IkindofwishRhetthurthimmore,butZachalso

knowsRhett’sweakspotisme.

“Yougoingtobeworkingonyourschoolwork?”Inodathim,“Whoknowsyou'redoingthis?”He

asks.

“Amanda,Edandyou,”IanswerputtingthepapersandpenonthechairasIgetmorecoffee.

Rhettfollowsmeinthekitchen,“Doyouneedtopickyouroutfitupfortonight,orshallwego

shoppingtogetsomething?”Rhettfillsamugupforhimself,sippingonourcoffeewelookateachother.

Webothwantit,butwhowillmakethefirstmove.

“Ihaveanoutfit,”Ilickmybottomlip,takingmyfingerintotheicingofthecakewhichIbaked

earlythismorning,Ilickmyfingergently.

Rhettlooksdownatthecake,“Youbaked,”hetakesmyfingerandlicktheicingoff,thentakinga

stepcloserhisfingercomingclosertomylips,myeyesnotleavinghisasIlickhisfingercleanthen
suckingonithard.

Rhettpicksmeupandsitsmeonthecounter,hishandsonmythighsplayingwithmyshorts.“New

rule,noclothesinthehouse,”hesmilesashebringshislipstomine.

Hislipsarehotandhard,andwhenhistonguedipsbetweenmysoftlips,Ieagerlyaccepteditinto

mymouth.Rhettkissesmewithpassion,histonguecaressingmineashepushesmebackonthecounter,
pressinghisbodyfirmlyagainstmine.KissinghimbackpassionatelyandtouchinghimeverywhereI

couldreach,thenmyhandsgrabhisass.

Rhett’shandmoveupmydress,upmystomachandhestops.

Ashepresseshismouthtomine,Ifeelhishardcockpressingagainstmythighthroughhistrousers.

Heissoexcitedandhard,andIknowweareabouttohaveagreattimeinhiskitchen.

IpullatRhett’sshirt,untuckingitfromhistrouserssohardIpracticallyripabutton.Ifumblethe

buttonsopen,thenunfastenhisbelt,andremoveitfromthetrousers.WecontinuetokissasRhettteases
mybreasts,Ihearasmallmoanfromhim,andIsmile.

Innotime,ItookRhett’sclothesoffandinonequickmovementRhettmovesmydressovermy

head.Lookingdownatmybody,Rhettsmiles.

Hishandsarealloverme,andoneslidesbetweenmythighs,rubbingmywetcuntthroughmy

panties.Theotherbeginstotweakmynipples.Myhandsaremassaginghisass,kneadinghischeeksandI
havehimmoaninghard.

Rhett’shandsaremovingovermypantiesfast,notabletoholdoffmymoans;myheadfallsback.

Pullingmypantiesdownthengivesmeawinkandmovesdown,hisheadbetweenmylegs,Ifeelhis
tonguedeepinme.IjumpatfirstbutsoonIfeltrelaxedandlostinthewayonlyRhettcanmakemefeel.

“Rhett,”myhandmovingtohishair,Isweariftherewereasportforbestpussylicking,Rhett

wouldwininaheartbeat.“OhGod,”thewordscomeoutinascreamashisthumbworksmagiconmy
clit,ashistongueworksinsideme.Mylegstrembleasmyorgasmrunsthroughme,IfeelRhettslowly
lickingupmypussy.

“You…taste…so…amazing,”Hesayskissingupmystomach,“Youreadyforme?”Rhettasks,as

helips,Inod,“Sayit,Sweetheart,”Rhettteasesmewiththeheadofhiscock.

“Fuckme,please,”Iwhisper.BeforeIcanevenblink,hethrustsintome,hardanddeep.Leaning

backintothecounter,IcanfeelRhettsomuchdeeperinsideme.

Rhettslamsintome,holdingtighttomyhipstokeepmeinplaceonthecounter.Itissointenseand

hot,andItrytothrustmyhipshardagainsthis.Itdidn’ttakelongformetocumagain,I’mcryingoutin
ecstasyasmyorgasmcomes,andonemorefollows.That'sneverhappenedbefore.MycriesareloudI’m
sureeveryoneonthestreetcouldhear,butIdon’tcare.Thesearethebestorgasmsofmylife,andI’m
lovingeveryminuteofthem.

Asmybodycomesdownfromthehigh,Rhettcums,hishandgrippingmyhipssotightashepushes

intome.Ifeelhimgosoftinsideme,buthedoesn’tpullout,hishandrubsmystomach.“Threeorgasms
Sweetheart,notsurehowtotopthatone,”Rhettleansdownthengivesmeakiss.

Ican’thelplaughingathim.

Helpingmesitup,Rhetttakeshisfingerandmovesitaroundmyshoulder,“Iloveyoubeinghere,I

gettofuckyousomuchmore.”Hekissesmeagain,thenwalkingovertothesinkandwettingatowel,then
bringsitovertocleanme.

“I’mhappyaboutthatbecausetonightIhopeyoufeelthesame,I’mhopingmydressgetsyouall

hot.”Rhettputsmypantiesbackon,slowlymovingupmylegs.

“Iwillalwaysfeelthiswayaboutyou;Icandefinitelydothisagain,now.”Rhettpickshist-shirt

offthefloorandputsiton,asIputmyclothesbackon.Rhettcutsapieceofcake,“Thisfromyourmom’s
journals?”

“Yeah,hopeyoudon’tmindmeraidingyourcupboards,”Isayfillingmymugupwithhotcoffee.

“Ourcupboards,justbecauseyousaidnotomovingin,doesn’tmeanIdon’tthinkofthisasour

house,”Rhettsayswithamouthfulofcake.

Ignoringwhathissaid,Isitonthestoolanddrinkmycoffee,watchinghimmovearoundthekitchen

eatinghiscake.

“Heyyoutwo,”IlookoveratJaywalkingintothehouse,“You’renotready,what'sthepoint

callingyoufirst,”JaylooksatRhettthenwalksovertothecake.

“Youbakethis?”askingmeashetakesapiece.“Youknewhewascoming,”IlookatRhettshaking

myheadathim.

“IfItoldyou,youwouldn’tletmedowhatwejustdid,”Rhettgivesmealookfullofcheekiness.

“You’realuckybastard,”Jaylickshisplate,andIfrownmyforeheadathim.

“Shecooks,bakes,andmorningsex,whichIwillguessandsayitwasinthekitchenwiththeway

sheisblushing.”Jaylaughsatme.

“Shutup,”Ihithisarm,yes,I’membarrassedashellrightnow,“Sowhatareyouguysupto?”All

IwanttodoischangethesubjecttoanythingbutmeandRhetthavingsexfiveminutesago.

“Needtobuyouroutfitfortonight,”IlookoveratJaytakinganothersliceofcake,“Rhett,haveyou

writtenyourspeech?”Jayasks,thentakesmycoffeeoffofme.

“Hey,”Ishoutathim.“Comeonwe’refamilynow,”hesmilesthengivesmeawink,andmybody

stiffens.I’mstillnotusedtohavingpeoplesayingthattome,asit’sNoahandmeforsolong.

Rhettlooksatme,andnoticesmyreaction,“YesIdo,allI’msayingisthankyou.”Rhettkeepshis

eyesoffme,quicklylookingdownatmywrist,wherethehellhasmyelasticbandgone?Ilookbackupat
Rhettsmilingatme.

“Isthatallyouwillsay?”Jayasks,finishingmycoffee.“Count,Sweetheart.”Hesaystome,then

turnstofaceJay.

“WhatelseshouldIbesaying?”Rhettasks,andIslowlycountinmyhead.Clearingtheplates,I

washastheybothtalkabouthisspeech.

Youwouldthinkhewouldliketothankpeoplethathavehelpedhim,orsomething.Maybehe

doesn’tliketotalkinpublic.

“Hello,”IturntoseeRhettonhisphone,“What?”Rhett’svoicecomesoutalittlelouderthan

normal,hepicksupthecontrol,heswitchestheTVon,flippingthechannelthenstopatthesports
channel.

IlookovertoseeZachonthescreen.“He'stooscaredtofightmeagain;heknowshegotluckylast

time,”IlookoveratRhettstaringatthescreen.“Hethinkshe’sthebigmanaroundhere,buthe’snothing
butaluckybastard,andsoonerorlaterluckrunsout.”Zachstopsashisdadwhisperssomethinginhis
ear.

“So,I’mchallengingRhettJohnsontoarematch,anytime,anyplace.”RhettswitchestheTVoffand

throwsthecontrolonthecounter,hiseyeslockingwithmine.

SilencefillstheairasIstarebackathim,“Whatdatescanwedothis?Ionlywantthreefightsnext

year,andtheyareallfilled….”Hefinallytakeshiseyesawayfromme,Ibreathe,itleftlikeIwas
holdingitinforsolong.

“Christmas…Canwenothaveithere…Thanksletmeknowwhenyougetacall.”Rhettputshis

phonedown,helooksatJay.

“I’llmeetyouinthecar,”Jaygivesmeanodasheleavesthekitchen.“Howdoyoufeelabout

spendingChristmaswithmeinEngland?”

Rhettwalksaroundthecounter,andleansagainstit,pullingmeincloser,“Thefightnextmonthwas

meanttobeinEngland,butImadethemchangeitsoIcouldcomeseeyou,sotheysaidifIwanttofight
Zachitwillhavetobethere.”Hisfingersaremakinglittlecircularmotionsonmyhips.

“Howaboutyouconcreteontonightandthefightnextmonth,thenwewilltalkaboutyourfight

withZach,”Igivehimhalfasmile,“Imeanit’sstillfourmonthsaway.”Placingmyhandsonhisarms,I
startrubbingmyhandsoverhisarms.

Ican’taffordabusticketatthemoment,andhe’saskingmetoflyaroundtheworldtoEngland,and

Ialsoknowhewillpayforme.ThenitwouldbemyfirstChristmaswithoutNoah.

“Iknowyou’rethinkingsomethinginyourhead,andIwon’tpushthesubjectjustyet.Justpromise

youwillthinkaboutit.”

“Promise,youdon’tseemannoyed.”Irunmyfingersthroughhishairasheleansintomychest.I

likethisfeeling,himleaningonmeforcomfort.

“WhenI’mwillyounothingbothersme,”Rhettmovesbackandhelooksatme,“Youtoldmeyou

onlycamebackbecauseImadeyoufeelsafe,Ineededyoutocomebackbecauseyoubroughtcalmness.”
Hesays.

Ilookathimfeelingalittleconfusedabouthisanswer.

“Sweetheart,youcanaskTerryandJayIhaveatempersoshort,thefirsttimeyoucametoclean

myroom.IhadahugefightwithTerry;Iwassopissedoff.”Helickshislips,linkinghishandwithmine,
“Icameoutoftheshowerandeverythingchangeditwasliketheatmospherearoundmehadbecomecalm,
andthenIsawyou.Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit,allIwantedtodowastouchyou,whateverIwas
feelingIwantedittostay.”Myheartbeats,thehotfeelingovertakingmybody.

“YouonlyhadtotouchmewhenIwashittingZachandeverythingwascalmbecauseIfeltyou.

BeingaroundyouIhaveacalmnessaroundme,aparachutethatwillalwaysopenforme.”Bringinghis
lipscloserkissingmyjawline.

“Always,”Iwhisperashepullsmeintighter.“Ihavetogo.Otherwise,Jaywillcomeinshouting

atme,”Rhettsaysmakingmelaugh.

“BeforeIgoIhaveasongIwantyoutolistento.”RhettputshisiPodandheadphonesonthe

counter,givingmeawinkasheleaves.

Iwatchhimwalkout,hearingthedoorclose,Ipickuptheheadphones,andwalkoutsidetositin

thegarden.

LookingatthesongwhichRhetthassetupformetolistento-Sade-ByYourSide.Idon’tthinkI

haveeverheardthissong,pressingplayIclosemyeyes.

Justlisteningtothestartofthissong,themusicisapeacefulbliss,andthefirstlinehitsme.By

YourSide,theonethingthatRhettalwayssays.Holdingtheheadphonestightertomyears,notwantingto
missanywordstothesong.

Iwaslost,andRhettfoundme,broughtmetomysafeplaceagain.AsthesongfinishesIsmileto

myself,Rhettwillneverleaveme;hewillalwaysbebymyside.

IlookthroughmyownphonetoseewhatIwanttosendRhett;thereisonlyonesongthatcomesto

mindforme,JamesMorrison-YouGiveMeSomething.ThissonghaseverythingIcouldwanttosayto
Rhett,askinghimtogivemesomething,tellhimI’mscaredofmyfeelings.

Hittingthesend,Isitbackinthechair,andlookoutatthesky.

Answeringmyphone,thinkingitRhett,“Hey,”Ismiletomyself.

“Scarlett,howareyou?”Adamasks.“Good,howaboutyou?”Surprisedbyhiscall,henormally

callswhenhe'sinVegas.

“Good,IhavetocometoVegasforaboutaweek,notsureofthedates,butIwillletyouknow.I

washopingfordinneronenight.”

“Sure,thatwouldbenice,”IreplyasIwalkbackintothehouse.

“HasRhettfinallyopeneduptoyouyet?”Iknewhewouldaskmethat,tobehonest,thatisa

questionIshouldaskmyselfeverydaytoo.

“No,”theonlyanswerIcangivehim,Idon’tevenknowwhatelsetosaytohimaboutit.

“Scarlett,youreallyneedhimtotalktoyou,IbetEdisthesame,andNoah.Weareallworried

thathimhidingthingsfromyouwillonlygooneway.”Theworryinhistoneremindsmeofthesametone
Eduseswithme.

“Iknow,andIwilltalktohim.I’mgivinghimsometimetoopenupbyhimself.ImeanIknowhow

harditisAdam.”Iknowthisisnotthereplyhewantstohear,butit’sthebestthatIhaveforthemoment.

“Justputyourselffirst,okay?”

“Okay,letmeknowwhenyouarecoming,”Isayendingthecall.

IlookatmydressasIthinkaboutwhatAdamhasjustsaidshouldIbepushingRhetttotalktome

somemore?Yes,IwanttoknowanswerstothemillionquestionsIhaverunningaroundinmyhead.What
isstoppingmefromtalkingtohimabouthispast?

Chapter11

Finishingmymakeup,Idothelastlittleteasetomyhair.RhettiswaitingdownstairswithTerry,

Helen,andJay.I’msonervousabouttonight,Imeanit’sthefirsttimeIwillgooutinpublicwithhim,the
presswillbethere.IaskedifIcouldjustskipthatpartandgostraightinwiththeothers,andRhettsaidit
wasokay,butIcouldtellhereallywantedmetobestandingnexttohim.IfIwasn’talreadyscaredabout
goingtonight,thisisallIneed,theworldknowingmynamenow.

I’mwearingmymom’sreddress,anditfitsmesoperfectly,Ilovehowitlooksonme.Pickingup

mymom’sChanelperfumesprayingsomeonmyself,onelastlookinthemirror,Ileavetheroom.

Standingattheentrancetothesittingroom,HelennodsherheadtoRhett;heturns,andIhearhim

saysomethingunderhisbreath,whichmakesJaylaugh.

Rhett’seyesareburningintome,alloveragainIfeelthesameintensefeelingIhadwhenIfirstmet

him.

“Ifyouweren’tmybestfriend’sgirlfriend,Iwouldsayalotmorethan.Wow,”Jaygivesmea

wink,IcanstillfeelRhett’seyestravellingupadownmybody.

“Comeon,wewillbelate,”TerrynudgesRhett,hiseyesstillburningmyskin,“Comeon,don’t

fuckhernow,”TerrywarnsRhett,makingmelaughalittle,asthethreeofthemwalkoutoftheroom.

“Don’tfuckher,haveyouseenher?”Rhettshoutsbacktohim,makingmelaughevenmore.Finally

walkingovertome,hishandstopsjustbymyarm,he'snottouchingme.“Youlook…therearenowords
toexplainhowyoulooktonight.I’mscaredifItouchyou,Imightripthisdressoff,”Rhettsmilesatme.I
lovetheboyishsmileofhis.

“Pleasedon’tit’smymother’sdress,”Iwhispertohim,astheintenselevelisreachingapoint

whereIwanthimtowraphisarmsaroundme,kissmelikeitwillbethelasttimehewillevertouchme.

“ThenIwillhavetofindawaytotakethisreddressoff,”hemovesclosertomyear,“Slowly.”

Hisfingergentlymovesdownmyskin,makingmyinhale.

“Nowyou’regoingtomakemeuncomfortableallevening;Ican’twaittogetyouinourbed.”Rhett

takesastepforward,movingmebackwithhim,mybackhitsthewall,myhands-onRhett’supperarm.
“WhereIplantoplay,andIwanttoplayhard.”Hebitsmyearlobeashemovesawayfromme.

Myeyesnotleavinghis,thehungertotouchmeinwayshe’sthinkingabout,thepassionhewantsto

showmetonight,areallshoutingatme.

“I’mcomingin,”IhearJayshout,turningaroundtoseehim,withhiseyescoveredwithhishand,

“isitsafe?”IlookovertothedoorandJay’speekingthroughhisfingers.

“Comeon,Terryislosingitoutthere.”

“Tonight'spunishment,youwearingthatdressGodispunishingmeforsomething.”Rhetttakesmy

handinhis,andIfollowhimoutthehouse.

“I’msurehewillrewardyoutonight,”Iwhisperinhisear,asheholdsthedooropenforme.I

smiletomyselfasIhearagrowlfromhim.

***

Thecarstops,andIlookouttoseeallUFCsupporterscheeringastheyseefighterswalkinginto

thebuilding,Helen,Terry,andJayallleavethecar,nottakingmyeyesoffthepeopleoutside.

“Youdon’thavetodothisifyoudon’twanttoo,”Rhett’splaceshishandonmybarethigh.Icando

this,IwanttobewithRhett,IsupposeIshouldgetusedtothiskindofstuff.

“No,I’mfine.”IgivehimasmilewhichIcantellhe'snotbuyingatall.

“Wecanwalkstraightinandnotstopforapictureif…”

“Rhettit’sfine,aslongasyouarebymyside,Iwillbefine.”RhettsmilesatmeasIusehiswords

onhim.

Hetakesastepout,turningaround,heputshishandoutformetotake,soonasI’moutthecarthe

flashinglightsblindme.Pullingmeincloser,hisarmaroundmeIfollowhislead.OnethingisforsureI
donotlikethis,wecometoastop.

“SmileSweetheart.”Rhettlooksdownatme,smilingathim.

IhearreportersyellingatRhettaskingmyname,howlongwehavebeentogether,ishehappy,how

islifetreatinghim,andheignoresthemallandcontinuestowalkintothebuilding.“Itwasn’tthatbad,”
helaughsatmeasIfinallybreatheagain.

“IthinkIwillskipfutureevents,”Iplaywithmywatch,afterthatoutthereIneedadrinkjusttoget

mynervesbacktowhattheywere.Ididn’twearabandbecauseIthoughtitwouldbringupquestions,but
mywatchisalittlelooseonme,andIcanplayaroundwithit.

“AtleastIknowyouthinkofafuturewithme,”Rhetttakesmyhandinhistostopmeplayingwith

mywatch,“Let'sgofindeveryone."

Walkingintothehall,IlookaroundforEmmashetoldmeshewascomingtoday.Ismileassheis

sittingatthesametableasus,thankgod,Ineedafriendtokeepmecalm.

WalkingovertothetablewithRhett,IgiveMattandEmmaakissonthecheek.“Staryoulook

amazing,”Emmalooksatmydress.

“Youlookamazingtoo,”Isitdownnexttoher,asIhaveaquicklookaroundtheroom,isthisevent

forselectedfightersorareallfightersinvited.

“Hewon’tbehere;MattsaidifRhettcomestoanevent,thentheydon’tinviteanyonehehasafight

with,”Emmawhisperstome.

Noddingmyheadtoher,IfeelRhett’shandonmyshoulder,“Iwillberightback,”hegivesmea

kissonmycheekhe'sgone.Ilookatwhereheiswalking,toagroupofmenwhoseemveryhappywith
himtalkingtothem.

“Jayfoundoutabouttheredroom,”Ilaughandlookoverathim,andhegivesmealook,“Freaked

out,hethoughtwewerejokingIfeelbadforhim,”Isaystilllaughing.

“Iknowyou'retalkingaboutme,”Jayleansintothetable,“andIknowwhatitisyouaresaying

too.”Hegivesusanevillookmakingmelaughevenmore.

“Youhavetoadmitit’salittlefunny,”Emmasaystohim.

“What’ssofunnyhere?”Rhettjoinsusatthetable.

“Jay’ssexlife,”Emmabustsoutlaughing.

IleanbackintoRhett’schestasthemanstartstalking.Rhettwrapshisarmsaroundmehegivesme

aquickkissontheneck,“Iloveyou,”hewhispers,andIsmile.

“Ladiesandgentleman,tonightweareheretohonorafighterI’mveryproudtowatch,heknows

howtomovearoundtheOctagonquick;helandseverypunchhethrows,everykick.Whenhefirststarted,
IcanadmitIwasoneofthefirstpeopletosaythiskidwon’tdoanything;histemperisoutofcontrol,he
can’tfocusonthemaninfrontofhim.Boy,didheprovemewrong?It’snotveryoftenthatyougetto
watchafightersogoodyouknowitwillbehardtofindanewonelikehim.Ihopehe'sfitforalongtime
yet,atthemomentthereisnostoppinghim.Letmewelcomethefighteroftheyear,RhettJohnson.”The
manpointstohim,andeveryonestandsup,sodoI.

ClappingasIwatchRhettwalkupthestage,takingtheplaqueoftheman,hestandsandlooksatthe

reporterstakingpicturesofhim.Rhettwalksoverthemic,“thankyou.”Hegoestowalkbutthenstops.“I
havewonthisafewtimes,andasyouallknowIneversayanythingbutthankyou,butthisyearIhavetwo
peopleIhavetothankbecauseifitweren'tforthem,Iwouldneverbehere.Iwouldprobablybeas
messeduplikemyfather,adrunk.Mymotherismyrock,sheputsmeinmyplaceandpushesmetobethe
bestIcanbe.ThenthereismycoachTerry,heismoreofafathertomethanmyown,hebelievedinme,
andforthat,Ihavetothankhim.”

Rhettstopsandlooksatthepressstandinginfrontofhim,“OutsideIwasaskedaquestion,‘howis

lifetreatingyou?’howislifetreatingme?”Hetakesinadeepbreath,“Thatwomanoverthere,”hepoints
tomeandmyheartjuststartstobeatingharder,Icanhearinpounding.

“Sheismylife,ifsheishappy,I’mhappy,ifsheissad,I’msad.Youcanallwriteinthepapers

tomorrowthatsomewomanhaswhippedRhettJohnson,Idon’tcare,becausethatwomanisworthbeing
whippedfor.Sheismylife,andIwilldoanythingtokeephersmilinglikethateverydayofmylife.”

Rhettwalksoffthestageandcomesbackovertothetable.IgotositthinkinghewouldgotoTerry

andhismom,butnohe’sgrabbingthebackofmyneckhislipscrashintomine.“IhopeIdidn’tembarrass
you,”hesaysashislipsstickclosetomine.

“Ithinkyouembarrassedyourself,”Ireply,andhesmilesatme.

“Withyoubymysidenothingwilleverembarrassme,”Rhettgivesmeanotherkiss,hesitsdown.

HisjusttoldthewholeworldI’mhislife,andyetIcan’tsaythreewordstohim.Ishouldbehappy

aboutthis;thismanhasjusttoldtheworldhe’swhippedwithme,andhedoesn'tcare.Ican’thelp
smiling,Ilookoverathimlookingatme,andIfeelallwarminside.

Therestoftheeveningwasverynice,peoplecameovertohimandsaidcongratulationstohim,he

spoketoafewpeople,andIenjoyedtheeveningwithHelen,Terry,andJay.

Wedroppedeveryonebackoffatthehotel,andassoonasthedoorclosesRhett’slipsareonmine,

“Ihavebeenhardsinceweleftthehouse.”Hesayskissingdownmyneck,“Bepreparednottowalk
tomorrow,”Ican’thelpbutlaugh,he’sactinglikeateenager.

“Youlaughallyoulike,butit’strue.”

***

Walkingdownthestairs,Rhettwasright,walkingispainful,wehadsexlastnightfivetimes,and

everytimeIthoughtIhadthebestorgasmofmylife,butthenthenextwasbetter.Mylegsareinpain,butI
smileasIwalkbecausethispainisfromRhettfuckingmehard.Soonasthehousedoorclosed,Rhett
stoppedmefromgoingstraightupstairs;hewantedtostartitoffslow.Rhetttookgentlecarenottoruin
mydress,andthatmeantalot.Butthesecondithitthefloorthebeastwasout,thefirsttimewedidn’t
evenmakeituptothebedroom,orthecouchinthesittingroomorthekitchencounter,hewanteditthere
andthenanddidn'tcare.Sexonthestairsisnewforme,Ihavetoadmit,butwithhim,everythingalways
feelsright.

Fillingmyglasswithwater,Istartheadingbackupstairstotheroom,“Scarlett!”IhearRhettshout

myname,pickingupmyspeedIrunupthestairs.“Scarlett!”AsIentertheroom,IseeRhettrunningout
thebathroom.

Runningtowardsme,“Areyouokay?Didtheyhurtyou?”Wrappinghisarmsaroundmywaist,

tighttothepointthatIcan’tfighthimtoloosenhisgrip,“Iwon’tletthemhurtyou.”

“Iwenttogetsomewater,whowouldhurtme,Rhett?”Iask.Hewokeupfromanightmare,Ican

feelhisheartbeatpoundingonmybody,Ineedtocalmhimdown.“RhettI’mfine,let'sliedown.”

Cuppingmyfacehiseyeslooksolost,soworried,“Ican’tloseyou.”Thatsoundssopainfulfor

himtosay.Whatareyournightmares,Rhett?

Walkingovertothebed,webothliedown,myheadonhischest,hisfingersmakingcirclesonmy

back.Ilistentohisheartpounding,waitingforittoslowdown,andreturntoanormalbeat.

Whywouldanyonehurtme?

Whatwashisdreamabout?

Willhetellmesomething?

Hishandrelaxesonmyback,hisheartbeatingatnormalbeats,Ilietherelookingoutthewindow.

Notsureifit’sRhett’snightmarethatI’mscaredof,orwhoeverhethinksthatwouldhurtme.

Chapter12

Sketchingmyarmsout,Iopenmyeyes.“Rhett?”Ilookovertothebathroom,butnothing,maybehe

wenttothegymafterlastnightheneedstoletoutsteam.

Gettingcleanedup,Iputonmydressandwalkdownstairstothekitchen.

“Morning,Sweetheart.”Rhettputseggsonaplate,“breakfastisready,”walkingovertothestoolI

watchashepoursjuiceintotheglass,bringingthemover,hegivesmeakissandsitsdown.

“Whatdo

youhaveplannedthismorning?”Heasks.

Okay,Itakeitwe’renottalkingaboutlastnightthen.“JustgoingtoworktotalktoAmandaandtell

EmmaandMatttocomeoverfortheBBQafterwork.”Eatingmybreakfast,theonlythingIwanttoknow
atthismomentisifI’mindanger,andhe’snotgoingtosayanythingsoIwillaskTerrytoday.Rhettmight
notbehappywithmeaskinghim,butsomeonehastogivesomeanswersandRhettisnot.

“Jayiscomingoverinabittogeteverythingready.Doyouwantmetodropyouoffatthehotel?”

Rhettasks.

“No,thankyou.I’llwalktothebusstopandgetthebus.”Leaningonhisshoulder,“areyouokay?”

Iask,maybethatmighthelpopenhimuptome.

“Yes,Idon’tminddroppingyouoff,”kissingmyhead.Well,thatgotmenowhere.Ikeepfighting

withmyselfaboutwhenIshouldpushthesubject,toolateandIlosehimandtoosoonandImightlose
him.Ihatethis.

“Sure,youandJaycanleavefromtheretogeteverythingthen,”Isaygettingbacktomyfood.This

isstartingtopissmeoffnow;he'snotevengoingtomentionhimnearlyhavingabreakdownlastnight.

“I’llcallhimtolethimknowI’mcomingthere,”takinghisphoneout.Iwatchhimasheactsall

normalshouldIaskhim.ButthenIthinkbacktoJaysayinghewouldtellmeifhecould,issomeone
stoppinghimfromtellingmeanything,isheworriedifhetellsmeIwouldbeputindanger,butthatmakes
mehaveevenmorequestions,likewhatkindofstuffisheinto?Whywouldanyonewanttohurtmetohurt
Rhett?

“I’mreadywhenyouare,”Rhetttakesmyplate,givesitarinse,thenintothedishwasher.

NotsurehowIfeelaboutthisnormalactheisplayingwiththismorning,Terrybettertellme

somethingorIwillloseit.

***

ItoldRhettthatIwouldcomebackwithhismomorEmma,andhemadesureIagreedtocome

withhismomasIwouldhavetowaituntilEmma’sshiftisfinished.Themancanbeabigpaintheass
whenhewantstobe.

KnockingonTerry’sdoor,“Hellotherebeautiful,”Terrysmilesandmovestothesidetoletmein.

“Youreadytogoalready?”Helensmilesatme.

“No,stillhavetotalktoEmma,”Ileanonthewall,“Ihaveaquestion,andI’mnotleavinguntil

youtellmesomething.Rhettsaidhewouldtalk,andI’mstillherewaiting.So,I’mnotgoingtoaskabout
that,allIwanttoknowis…AmIinanydangerbeingwithRhett,”Ilookatthemboth,givingmea
surprisedlook.

“No,”theyanswerinunique.

“Whathappenedforyoutothinkthat?”Helenasks.

“Iwenttogetsomewater,asIwasgoingbackupstairs,Rhettstartsshoutingmyname,whenIgot

totheroomhewasscared,Imeanscared.Hekeptaskingmeiftheyhurtme,andhewon’tletthemhurt
me.”Movingmyeyesbetweenthem,waitingforoneofthemtotellmesomething.

Theyknowsomething,andIcanseethemfightingwiththemselveswhethertotellmeornot.

“IpromiseyouthatyouaresafewithRhett,”holdingmyhands,shelooksatmywrist.IwilladmitI

wasworriedabouttalkingtothem,andtheylookalittleworsethantheyshould.“Iknowhewantstotalk
toyou,”Helenstops.

“Buthecan’tjustyet.Igetthat,andIwillwaitjustasI’vebeendoing.Justwantedtomakesure

I’msafe.”Lookingatthetime,“IbestgomeetEmma,whattimeyoutwowanttoleave?”Iaskwalking
towardsthedoor.

“Anhourokay?”Terryasks.

“Meetyoudownstairs,”IyellbackasIclosethedoor.

WalkingaroundtowardsEmma’srooms,ImustwonderwhatthehellisgoingoninRhett’shead,

thathe’sworriedhisdemonscanhurtme.Atthemoment,theonlypersonhurtingmeisRhett,andtheonly
wayIwillfeelsafeisifheopensuptome.

IseeEmmawithherfingertoherlipsassheseesmegettingcloser.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iwhispertoher.

“Rhett,CeCebigfight,”shepointstothedoorwhichisalittleopen.

Iknowthisiswronglisteningtothisconversation,andIshouldwalkawayfromthedoor,butmy

legsarerefusingtomove.

“Oh,comeonRhettyouknowthisishowit'smeanttobe,youandme.”

“Whyareyoudoingthetome?Letmetellher.Icanfeelherpullingawayfromme.”Rhettsounds

likehe'salmostbeggingCeCeforpermission.Sheistheoneholdinghimdownthen.

“SeeRhett,Iknowaboutyourdream,andyoudon’thavetohidethemfromme,what’shappening

Rhettaretheyhurtingher…”

“Stop!”Rhettshouts.IlookatEmmaisshocked.

“ComeonRhetthowareyougoingtotellheraboutwhatyourdad…”

“Stopdon’tevenbother,whataboutwhatyourdaddidtome!”Rhettyellsather.

Takingastepbackfromthedoor,IwantRhetttotellmeabouthispast,butIwanthimtotellme,

notmelistentoitthroughadoor.Ihavetowalkawayfromthis;Ineedtowalkawayfromthis.

“Comeon,”Iwhisper-shoutatEmma.Walkingbackdowntothestaffroom,“don’tlookatmelike

that.”IturntoEmmagivingmeaquestionablelook.

“Youcouldhavefoundoutsomuch,”shepusheshercarttotheside.

“Iknow,butwhatifwemissedthebeginning,andonlyheardhalfofthestory?ImeanIwantto

knowwhatRhettisscaredtotellme,butIwantthefullstory,notlittlebitsthatIhearthroughadoor.”
Lookingatherasshewalksoverwithherlunch.Justhearingasmallpartoftheconversation,Ialready
haveahundredquestionsaddedtothehundredIalreadyhave.

WhathappenedtoCeCe?Whoisattackingwho?WhatdidherdaddotoRhett?Whatdidhisdad

doyouher?

Mybrainhurtsfromallthequestions.

“MeandMattwillbeover,soonasmyshiftisfinished.”Sittingdown,“Mattsaidhe'snotsureif

hewillmovetoVegas,hemightstayLA.”Icanhearthesadnessinhervoice.

“Oh,EmI’msorry.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”Iask.

“Iwanthimtostayhere;Idon’tknowanyoneinLAwhilehestillknowspeoplehere.”Emma

shakesherhead.“Heaskedmetogiveitachance,andthatImightlikeit,”openinghercanofpop,
“shouldIriskit?”Sheturnstome.

“Em,Idon’tknow.YoucanspeaktoAmanda,toseeifthehotelovertherehasanyjobs,soatleast

youwillhavesomethingtodothere.”Iwillhateitifsheleaves,butIwillsupporther.“Didyouenjoy
yourselfwhenyouwenttoseehim?”

“Ifeltlikeanoutsider;Iknewno-one.Itfeltlikehisfriendsweretryingtoomuchmeout,there

wasthisgroupofgirlthatwereovereverynight.Mattsaidnothinghappenedwiththembecauseheonly
haseyesforme,but…”Emmalooksoveratsomeoftheothersgirlswalkingin.“ButIdon’tknow.”She
whisperstome.

“Tomorrownight,Ithinkweneedagirl’snightin.”Igiveherasmile;Ineedonesheneedsone.

I’vebeenthinkingaboutthestorageunittoo,goingtotellNoahthatweneedtosortthrough

everythingandonlykeepwhatwewant.Ican’tkeeppayingforthestorageroom,withnomoney.

“Iwould,buttoldmymumIwouldbringMattovertomeetthem,”Emmalooksover,“I’mscared

nevertookaboyfriendoverbefore,”sheletsoutalittlegiggle,“Ihopetheylikehim.”

“Ibettheywilllovehim,”leaningintothecouch,Ifeelmyselfgettingtirednow.Notsurehow

muchmoreIcandothenosleepingatnight.“YouknowImightleave,getsomesleepbeforeeveryone
comesoverlater.”Standingup,“Iwillseeyoulater,”walkingout,IgetmyphoneouttoletHelenknow
I’vegonehometosleep,gotaheadache,andIthinkit’sbecauseofthelackofsleep.

“Scarlett,wecancomewithyou,meetusinreception,”HelensaysandbeforeIcansayanything

shehangsup.

WaitingforTerryandHelen,IlookatCeCetalkingtosomewomen,thenhereyeslandonme.Oh

crap,she’swalkingover.Don’tlethergettoyou;shewillpushyourbuttons-stayfocused.

“Wellifitisn’tthehomewrecker.YouknowthatmeandRhettshouldbetogether,”Itakeastep

closer“youarestoppinghimbeingwithme.ButIknowassoonasthedreamsgetworse,he’llfinallytell
you.Youmightjustleave.”Hereyesareburningmyskin;Icanonlyimaginewhatsheisthinking.

“It’stakingeverythinginmenottohityou,youlittlebitch.”Takingastepclosertoher,“youknow

that’sallyouare.”Isay,she’spissingoffnow.

Pushingmeback,“you’rethebitch,andIwillmakeitmymission,tobreakyoutoo,”pushingme

again.

AsItakeasteptowardsher,Terrystandsinmyway,“comeon,youstillworkhere.”Hemovesme

awayfromherasHelentalkstoCeCe.“Sheisnotworthit,Sweetheart.”Walkingoutthebuilding,“what
didshesay?”Heasks.

“Nothing,”Ibiteback,pullingthecardooropen.“Canwego,IneedsomesleepbeforeIdogo

crazy.”Closingthedoor,andclosemyeyes.

***

Openingmyeyes,IneededtosleepIguessIdidn’treallyrealizehowtiredIwas.Gettingoutof

bed,Iheadtohaveashowertofreshenmyselfupabit,turningtotheclock.Everyoneshouldbehere
soon,walkingovertotheboxofmymother’sjournals,Ihavereadthemsomanytimes,Iknowwhateach
pagesays,butjustreadingthemondaysIneedadvicehelpsmealot.

ThefightwithCeCe,today,hasreallygot.ImeanI’veneverhadtofightwithsomeoneelsefora

man,andRhettissomeoneIdon’twanttolose,butalsolosingthestrengthtofightherforhim.Placingthe
journalonthetable,Ihaveheadtohaveashower.

Sittingonthetable,IopenthepagestofindtheentryIwanttoread.

Ialwayswonderhowyouknowyouhavefalleninlovewiththeone.TodayIwonderthat,today

Ithinkhe’sthemanforme,canIseemylifeendingwithhim?

IknowheissomeoneIdon’tlikebeingawayfrom,hemakesmehappy,makesmysmile,andwill

alwaysputmefirstinhislife.

Iknowhelovesme,andwillalwaysloveme.Ihavethefeelinginsidemeheisthemanforme,

maybetonightIwilltellhimhowIfeel.

Todaughter.Therewillbetimesyouwon’tknowifyouarestrongenoughtoloveaman,orif

thatmanifworthfightingfor.AllIsaytoyouis,closeyoureyes.Whodoyousee?

Closingthejournal,IclosemyeyesandIalreadyknewwhowouldbethere.Rhett.

Ifeelhimbehindme,andasmileappearsonmylips,hisarmswraparoundmeasIsitlookingout

thewindow.

“You’reawakeSweetheart,”kissingmycheek,placingahandonthejournal,“feelingbetter?”He

asks.

Bringmyhandstohisarms,whicharestillwrappedaroundme,“Yeah,didn'trealizehowtiredI

was,”leaningforwardtostandup,turningaroundtofacehim.“Everyonehere?”Iask.

“No,TerrymentionedthatyougotintoitwithCeCe…”

“Don’twanttotalkaboutit,”walkingaroundhim,tograbsomeperfume,“yougoteverything

ready?”Ilookupathim;he’swatchingmecarefully,he’swonderingwhethertopushthesubjectwithme.

“Jay’sstartingtheBBQup,andmomsaidtoputthefireonoutside,”heraiseshiseyebrows,not

agreeingwithit.“Arewe…Isthisa…”

“Nothisisnotafight,wearefine,”movingclosertohim,wrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist.

“TodayisjustadaywhereallIneedwasahugfrommymom,”placingmyheadonhischest,“butthat's
nevergoingtohappen,”Isayashewrapshisarmsaroundme.

“Ihopethatmyhugsaresecondbest,”pullingmeintighter,hislipskissingthetopofmyhead.“I

knowtherearethingsyouholdinside,andyougovisityourparentstotalk,butifyoueverwanttotalkto
me,I’mhere.”

“Yeah,Iknow.”Walkingawayfromhim.WhenwillherealizethatI’mhereforhimtoo?“Should

wegodown?”Iaskputtingmymomjournalbackinthebox.

Rhetttakesitoutthebox,andwalksoverthesmallbookshelfinthebedroom,andputsitonthere.

“Idon’twantthemtogetruined,”hesaysnotlookingatme,ashetakestheothersoutofthebox.

Iknowwhathe'sdoing,slowlyputtingmythingshere,soallmystuffwillbehere.HethinksI’ve

notnoticedthatmyclothesareintheclosetonhangers,he'sbroughtallmyskincareitems,mywork
uniformisevenhere.

Walkingintothekitchen,IlookatJaymarinatingtheporkchops,walkingtotheothersideofthe

counter,“sohowisyourredroomcoming?”Isay,tryingveryhardnottolaughathim.IwatchRhett
walkingdownthestairstalkingonthephone.

“Reallylove,thatisnotfunny,”Jaystopswhathe'sdoing,“it’sthatbadIhavenowstartedreading

thebooks,soIknowwhatthingsIneedtoknow,whichIdidn’tknow.”NoddingatRhett,“andthereare
thingsintherethatI’mupfor,butnoteverything.Imeanit'ssomefuckedupshit,"Jaygetsbacktothe
porkchops,ashelaughs.

Rhettstandsbehindme,hishandsonmyhips.“So,doyouhavearedroomIneedtoknowabout,

I’venotbeenintheotherroomsyet,”Ismile,asJaywalksoutside.

Rhettturnsmearound,“EverythingIwoulddotoyouinaredroom,Iwilldoinourbedroom,”his

handmovingdownmydressandstopsashehitsmyskin.“Liketonight,Iplanonfuckingyou,”hishand
movingupmylegsoftlymakingmybodybreakoutingoosebumps.

“Butnotinourbed,notinevenintheshower,”Isharplyinhaleashetalkstomeinthissexyway,

andhisfingerplayswiththeoutsideonmypanties.“Iplantoholdyouupagainstthewall,naked,”his
fingermovesmypantiestotheside.

“Yourlegswrappedaroundme,asImakeyoushoutmyname,”hisfingerteasesmyclit,makemy

holdontothecounterwithbothhands,“Iwantyou,toscreammyname.”Hewhispersinmyear,bringhis
handbacktomyleg.

“Rhett,”Iwhisper,bringmybreathingbacktonormalhisbodystillpressedupagainstme,hislips

softlytouchingmyneck.

“Youweremadetobebymyside,madetobeonlylovedbyme.”Rhett’shandmovingtomyneck

ashekissesme,doingwhathe'sjustdonehasmeallhotabothered,butitseemedtohavehimhotand
botheredtoo,Icanfeelhishardcockonmyleg,hiskissisfullofhunger,wantingmorefromme.

Pullingawayfrommeasthefrontdoorcloses,hiseyesburningintomine,allIwanttodoiswrap

mylegsaroundhimsohecanfuckhimagainstthewall.

“Thishouseisamazing,”IsmileasIhearNoahbehindme,turningaround,“Rhettgoodjobonthe

house.HelloStar,”givinghimasmile,andkissonthecheek,IgivePennyahug.

“Youlooksomuchbetter,Noah,”Isayashegivesmeakissonthecheek.“Howareyoufeeling?”

Iask,walkingouttojoineveryoneelse.

“Good,Imeanreallygood.GoodnewsthelawfirmcalledmeandsaidthatIcouldhavemyjob

backbecausetherewasamisunderstanding,”Noahlookssohappywiththis,“Theysaidmorestuff,butI
don’tthinkyoucare,”helaughsatme.

“I’mjusthappyyougotyourjobback,”IstopwalkingIneedtotalktoNoahaboutthestorageunit,

Ican’tafforditanymore,andasmuchasIhatethefactIwillhavetogetridofmyparent’sthings,Ihave
todoit.“I’mgoingtoemptythestorageunitout,soifyouwanttocomewithmeandyoucanpickstuffout
ifyouwanttokeepit,andthenwecanseewhatthingstoputoutforsale,”Isay.IhateIcan’tkeepitall
instorage,tryingtokeepmyemotionstogetherIcan’tcryoverthis,Ican’tcryoverlosingapartofthem.
Myfingersstartplayingwithmyelastic.

Noah’seyesfalldowntomywrist,“tomorrow,Iwillmeetyoutheretomorrowmorning.”Taking

myhand,“ItwillbeokayStar,”pullingmeinforahug.

“So,happyyou’reokay,”givinghimasmile.TomorrowwillbeoneofthehardestdaysIwillever

haveIthink.

“Theysmellsogood,”NoahlooksoverattheBBQ,“wantmetogetyouone?”Heaskswalking

awayfromme,shakingmyheadIwalkovertoHelenandPenny.

“Youwouldthinkhehasn’teatenforamonth,”Pennylooksathimlaughing.

“Thatlooksaboutright,heusedtoeatwaymorethanthat,”Itakeasipofmywater,“howareyou

feeling?”IlookatPenny.

“Gettingtiredastheweeksgoby,”takingsomefoodfromNoah’splate,“andfood,Iseemtowant

toeatallthetime,”shakingherhead,asshepicksupanotherporkchop.

IgetaglimpseofRhettwalkingpastmeonthephone;helooksupatTerrywhofollowshiminto

thehouse,thatcan’tbegood.WalkingovertoJay,asheisbyhimselfnow,“wherearethehotdogs?”I
ask.

“Theyarecomingnext,”throwingsomeonthegrill,“Solove,IhearyoumightcometoEngland,

eventhoughyoudon’tdrinkyouwillhavetocometoourlocalpub,”wrappinghisarmaroundmy
shoulder.

“Isityours?”Iask.

“No,wehavebeengoingtheresincewecoulddrink,Rhettislikealegendthere,theowneris

amazing,andeveryoneknowseveryone.Thepeopleinthepubarejustasmuchfamilytousthanour
familyis.”Snappingthetongsatme,Ican’thelplaughing.

“Iwouldlovetocome.”Leaningintohim,“pleasedon’tburnmyhotdog,”Ipointtothegrillwhich

flamesup.

“Ohshit,”Jaypullsmebackwithhim,asIlaughsohard,“itwillcalmdown,”wavinghishandsat

thegrillwhichonlymakesmelaughharder.

“Thatisnotgoingtowork,justleaveitforaminute,anditwillstop.DoyounothaveBBQs?”I

ask.

“IliveinEngland,itrainselevenoutofthetwelvemonths,”bringinghisbeertohislips,“plus,

Rhett’sthecook.”

“Ileaveyouforfiveminutes,andyoumakeamess,”Rhettpusheshimouttheaway,“whatdidyou

do?”

“Scarlettwantedahotdog,andthenthishappened,”wavinghishandtowardsthegrill,“anyway,

youwereonacallyouwantmetostayabitlonger,Icanworkfromhere.”JaylooksoveratTerry,who
islaughingjustasmuchasme.

“No,Icancarryonthanks,”takingthetongsoffhimthenpushinghimouttheway,“thisiswhyyou

don’tcook.”Rhettshakeshisheadathim.

“Comeon,webothknowyoulovetocook.So,whocalledyou?”Jaylooksatmeandgivesmea

wink.HeknowsifIaskRhettmightnottellme,butbythelooksofit,theydon’tkeepsecretsfromeach
other.

“TheyhavegivenmeuntiltheendoftheweektoanswerZachquestionsabouttherematch,ifIsay

yesitwillbeinEngland,theywon’thaveitanywhereelse,andifIsayno,thenI’mthedicktooscaredto
fighthimagain.”Rhettturnsthehotdogsaroundthenlooksatme,“Solookslikethereisarematch,”he
looksoveratJay,“lettheguysknowtogetthepartystartedbackhome.”Finally,Iseeasmileonhisface.

“Abouttime,youhavenothadafightbackhomeinages,”Jaylooksevenmorehappy,“Iwon’tsay

anythinguntilyousayyes.”Gettinghisburgerready,hetakesabite,“Scarlett,Icanbeyourtourguide,
whenhe’straining,”wrappinghisarmaroundmyshoulder,“Icanbealotoffun,”plantingakissonmy
cheek.

Laughingathim,IlookatRhettsmilingatustalking.GettingbacktohiscookingIwalkoverto

EmmaandMatt“youmadeit,”Ismile.

“Iwantedtocheckoutthishouse,”EmmalooksbackandgivesMattalook,shakingmyheadat

her,ItakethehotdogfromRhett.

“Thefoodisallcooked,soeveryonehelpthemselves,”Rhetttellseveryone.Drinkinghisbeer,I

lookatNoahtalkingtoTerry,andIsmile,knowingthatIwillneverhavetoworryabouthim,he’sbecome
amanthatIamveryproudof.

Therestoftheeveningwasamazing,everyonehadalaugh,anditwaswhatIneeded.Adaytotake

mymindawayfromtheothernight,andanighttotakemymindawayfromtomorrow.

Rhettmightjustbethebestthingtoeverhappeninmylife;hedidn’tleavemesideonce,hisarm

aroundmywaistashismomtoldusstoriesaboutthetimeRhettandJaygotintrouble,inschool.Itwas
sonicetolistentothem,listentohismomembarrassinghim,Icouldtellthathewasn’thappyaboutthe
stories,butstayedquite.

JaytalkedaboutalltheideashehasforwhenRhettgoesbacktoEngland,andhowhappytheother

guysaregoingtobe,onethingIdoknowisthattheywillbespendingalotoftimeisthefamilypubof
theirs.Jaytoldmethinksaboutthepubowner,andhiswifeandthereareaboutfiveothermenthatthey
spendmostoftheirtimewithandthathecan’twaittoshowmeofftothemall.ThegirlthatgotRhett
Johnson.

Chapter13

Lookingthroughmybagwithshakenhands,IlookformyID.Ittookallmystrengthtogetoutofthe

housethismorning,andIwasn’tsurprisedwhenRhettcamewithme,andhismom.Ikepttellinghimtogo
totraining,andthatNoahwouldbewithme,butitgotmenowhere.

“Ican’tletyouhavethekeys,withoutID,”theoldmantellsmeagain,forthefifthtime.

“Sheisgettingit,”Noahbitesbackattheguy,Noahisgettingannoyedwiththeguynow,Imeanhis

askingeverytensecondsformyID,givemeaminutetofindit.

“Here,”placingtheIDonthecounter.AshetypesonthecomputerIlookatNoah,andalready

knowhisquestion,“Iknow,itwillbefine.”Iwhispertohim.ThisissomuchharderthanIthoughtit
wouldbe,sayinggoodbyetoallmyparent'sstuff.

“Hereisthekey,”themanswingsitinfrontofme,takingitfromhim,givinghimasmile,Iwalk

awayfromhim.

Standinginfrontofthedoor,Ilookatmyhandsastheyshakeoutofcontrol,“Rhett,letherdo

this,”IhearHelensay.

IfeelNoahnexttome,“youopenit,”Ihandhimthekeyandtakeastepback.Icanfeelhim

standingbehindme,andIleanbackonhimforsupport.

Kissingthetopofmyhead,“whenwasthelasttimeyouwerehere?”Heasks,butit'snotinhis

normaltone,thisoneissomuchmoresoft,gentleeven.

“Sevenyearsago,”Iwhisper,IlookatNoahopeningthedoor,andIclosemyeyestakeadeep

breathin,andpushmyselfoffRhett.Noahturnstofaceme,“soIgotthese.Anythingyouwanttokeepred
sticker,andyellowstickerup…for…sale,”Ihandhimthestickynotes.

“Starwedon’thavetodothis,”Noahpullsmeinforatighthug.

“Yes,wedo.”Isay,takingallmystrengthinmenottocryrightnow,“let'sgetthisfinished,”Ilook

upathim.

Walkingintothestorageunit,Ilookaroundandsmile;memoriescomebackofthehouseIonce

had.Walkingovertomymother’svanity,IkneeldownandtracetheverypoorattemptatastarIdraw
withmymom’sredlipstick;shewasnothappywithme,butshenevertookitoffeither.Asmalltearlands
onmycheekthinkingbacktothatday,Irememberhergettingdressedtogosomewherewithmyfather.

“Star,Pennyaskedifwecantakethecrib!”Noahyellsfromtheothersideoftheunit,wipingmy

tears,IstandupandlookatRhettwatchingme,thesmileIhaveonmyfaceisnotfoolinghim,buthe
doesn’tsayanythingeitherasmallkissonthelips,isallhegivesme.

“Noah,thisisallyourstuffsotakewhatyouwant,”IshoutbacktohimasIlookaroundtheunitfor

theonlythingIwant,theonlythingthatwillneverleaveme.Ineverwantedtotakethisoutoftheunit;I
wasalwaysscaredthatsomeonewouldrobtheapartmentandtakeallthestuff.Eventhoughmymother’s
journalsandphotoswerethereIneverworriedbecausewhowouldstealthem,thiswaslockedinasmall

case,andthatwouldalwaysbesomething,thatwouldcatchtheireyes.

“Whatareyoulookingfor?”Rhettasks,placinghishandonmylowerback.

“Iswearitwashere,”rubbingmyforehead,“it’sbeenawhilesinceI’vebeenhere,maybeIputit

somewhereelse,”Ilookaroundtheunit.

“What?Tellme,andIcanhelpyoulookforit,”Rhettstandsinfrontofme,looksatmeintheeyes,

“Sweetheartwhatareyoulookingfor?”

“It’sasmall,thissize,”Iusemyhandstoshowhim,“bluecase,it'sgotagoldlockonit,”Isay,

lookingaroundtheshelvesagain.

IcanfeelRhett’seyesonme,asIwalkupanddowntheunit,notlookingatanythingelsehere,it

willonlyupsetme,andIwillloseit,andcrymyeyesdry.

“What’sinhere?”Noahasks,lookingbacktohimIsmile,thecase,walkingovertohim.

“ThisistheonlythingIwant,”Itakeitfromhim,nottellinghimwhatisinside,IsmileasIlookat

it.Noahdoesn’tevenaskagainwhatitis,maybebecauseforthefirsttimetodayI’msmiling.

“Starthereisalotofthingsinhere,itmighttakeafewdaystosortthroughitall.”Noahlooks

around,sodoI.Thereisalotinhere,evenIcanseeitwilltakeawhile.“Iwillcomebacktomorrow
withPennyandseeifthereisanythingelsethatshewants,shehashereyeonsomeplates,”Noahsays,as
Ilookbackdownascase.

Lickingmylips,Iclosemyeyes;mybodyseemstobreakoutinapanic,andIdon’tknowwhat's

happening.“YouknowIthinkImight…headoff,Noahyouhavethekey,”IsayasIleavetheunit,noteven
makingeyecontactwithHelenorRhettIleave,buttheyallknowwhereIamabouttogotoo.Theone
placethatfeelsliketheclosestthingtohomeiswheremyparentsare.

***

Isitthereinsilencelookingatthegravestones,pattingthecaseundermyfingers,“Youknowthe

hardestthingatthemomentisgettingusedtotheideaoflettingyougo,clearingoutthestorageunitwasso
muchharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe.It'sthatfinalstepinacceptingthatyouarenolongeraround,”I
wipemytears,“Imeanmomyou'renotgoingtobeherewhenIwearmyweddingdress,dad,you’renot
goingtobeheretowalkmedowntheaisle.Andclearingtheunittodayithitmethatyou'renotgoingto
dothosethingswithme.”Shakingmyheadlookingdownatthegrass,andthetearslosecontrol.

“ImeanIhavetodoeverythingagainmyselfbecauseyouaren’theretotakecareofme,helpme,

givemesomething,pleasegivemesomething.”Takingadeepbreathin,Ilookatthecaseagain.“IknowI
haveRhett,butit’skillingmethathe’skeepingthingsfromme,hewon’ttalk,andit'sdrivingmecrazy.”I
letoutalongbreath,“ThisistheonlythingIwantfromthatunit,thisistheonlythingIneedtoremember
youby,”Iopenthecase,andsmileasIlookatmymother'sweddingdress,veil,andmyfather'sspeech

“Didyoutellyourman,youlovehim,”IlookuptoandsmileattheoldwomanIspoketobefore.

Shakingmyhead,“No,Istillfearitwillallbetakenawayfromme,themomentIletgoandtell

him,”ItellherasIstandup.

“Mydarling,theonlypersonwhocanfightthatfearisyou,youhavetohavethecouragetofight

it.”Rubbingmyarmsoftly,“ifheisthemanfightingforyourlove,Iwouldn’tletasexymanlikethatout
ofmysight,”shelooksbehindme.TurningaroundIseeRhettleaningonhiscar,thenIturntothewoman
again,“neverletfear,overtakeyou,”gentlekissingmycheekshewalksawayfromme.

LookingatRhettwatchingme,Ipickupmycaseandwalkovertohim,Istopinfrontofhimand

smile.“Don’tyouhaveafightyoushouldbetrainingfor?”Igivehimasmile.

Takingthecasefromme,“Icankickhisass,withonehandtiedbehindmyback,”givingmeakiss,

“dinnerSweetheart?”walkingmetothecar.

“Wouldlovesome,”Rhettopensthecardoorforme,andstopsmesittingdown,Ilookbackathim.

Bringinghislipstome,“Iloveyou,”movingsomehairawayfrommyface,“alwaysbymyside,

Sweetheart,”hiseyesnotleavingmine.“Mymomismakingdinner,shegoesbacktomorrow,”Hesays
walkingaroundmetoputmycaseinthebackseat.

WhydidInotsayanythingbacktohim,ImeanIcouldhavesaidittohim,Iknowhe'swaitingfor

metosayittohim,IalsoknowheknowshowIfeelabouthimtoo.

***

“Yougoingbacktoo,Jay?”Ithoughttheywerehereforawhilelonger,butRhetttoldmeinthecar

thathismomhadtogobacktowork,somethinghadhappened,andsheneedstogetback.

“Yeah,wehavethefighttogetreadyfor.”Hesmilesathim.Rhetttoldtheboardhewouldhavethe

fightinEngland;nowit'swaitingtoseewhichdatetheychoose,RhettwantsthefightbeforeChristmasor
aftertheNewYearsohecanenjoythosedays.Hehasn’taskedmeagaintocometoEngland,andnowmy
answerwouldbeno.

“Well,Ihopeyouallhavefun,”lookingoveratHelen,“Rhettsaidyouhavetogetbacktowork,

whatdoyoudo?”Iask,thinkingIhavenotonceaskedheraboutwhatshedoesbackinEngland.

“Iworkwithchildren,”ShelooksoveratRhett,itseemsliketheyarehavingaconversation

betweenthemselvesinsilence.“Wholivewithpeoplewhotakedrugs,drinktoomuch,andIremovethem
fromthere,andfindthemasafeplacetolive,”shelooksbackdownatherfood.

“That’sreallynice,”Isaygivingherahalfsmile,thinkingnooneeverhelpedNoahandme.A

workercameeveryweek,andneveroncenoticedthatsomethingwaswrong,neveroncethoughtthat
Noahlookedillbecausehewasn’tgettingenoughfood,butHelenlookslikeawomanwhowouldlookat
everylittlething,ashersongrewupwithanalcoholicfather.

Rhettgrabsmyhand,heknowsmesowell;heknowsthatI'mnotatthetablenow,andthinking

backtomytimeinthehouse,“staywithmeSweetheart,”hewhisperstome,givinghimanodItryto
focusontheconversationinfrontofme.

ListeningtotheconversationaboutthefightinEngland,theyallseemexcitedaboutit;itseemshe’s

nothadafightoverthereinawhile.Jayhasalreadycalledsomeofhisotherfriendsaboutthefight,and
thepartyhasalreadystarted,anditsstillmonthsaway.TheonlythingI’mworriedaboutiswhenwillhe
havetogobacktoEnglandtostarttraininganddoallthepressforthefight.Fourmonthsuntilthefight,I
wouldthinkhewouldhavetobebackafterthefight.

He'sfightingthisguycalled,TheTankwhichisonlyaweekawaynow,andRhettdoesn’tseemtoo

botheredwiththisfight,hetoldmeitwasafight,togivefightersachancetofightthebigguys,Ilaughed
whenhesaidthis.Notallthebigfightersdothisfornewcomers.ButRhettstatedthathewasonceintheir
shoes,wherenoonewouldgivehimachance,andhadtofighttoohardtoshowotherfightersthathecan
doit,andhecanwin.Sinceheisnowrespectedonalllevels,hewillpickonefighterayear,thathe
thinkshassomethingtomakeitinthefightingworld.Hewillgivethemachance,andofferthemafight.

Ithinkit'samazingthathehelpsnewfighters.Whenhetoldme,itonlymademerespecthimso

muchmore.Itmademyfeelingforhimgrowevenmore.Heisn’tselfish,hecaresaboutothersandwill
alwaysputhisfamilyfirst.

“Firstdaybackatwork,”Rhettpullsmeoutofmythoughts,“happytobeback?”Hetakesmy

platesandstartseatingmyfood.

Shakingmyheadathim,“Yeah,youhungry?”Iask.

“Youaren’tgoingtoeatit,whattimeyoustart?”takingasipofhisbeer,thenlooksoveratme.

“Early,andmaybeyoucangetbacktotrainingnow,”Ileanbackintothechair.Hehasnotonce

beentotrainingsinceIhavebeenhere,andIknowthatmustbepissingTerryoffalittle.

“Youwantmetodropyouoffinthemorning?”Rhettasksashefinisheshismeal,looksupatJay,

“whattimewehavetoleavefortheairport?”

“Fiveinthemorning,hatemorningflights,”Jaypicksuptheplatesandwalkstothekitchen.Rhett

andTerryfollowhim,andIlookatHelenalreadyfeelingatalkcomingalong.

WaitingforHelentosaywhatshewantstosayIlookattheguysinthekitchentalkingaboutthe

fight,lookingbackatHelenwithasmile.

“Iknowyoucareaboutmyson,thereisnotonepartofmethatthinksyouarewrongforhim.”

placingherelbowsonthetable,movinginclosertome.“AndIalsoknowthatyouarerightattheedge
readytowalkawayfromhimfornottalkingtoyou,Icanseeit,Rhettcanseeit.”Shelooksoverathim
thenbackatme.

“Ifhecanseeit,thatshouldmakehimtalk,”Iplayaroundwithmyelastic,andlookupather.

“Wearealltellinghimtotellyou,butheissoscaredthatyouwillthinklessofhim,fearhim,

leavehim.”Ilookatherinshock,“Hethinkinghisdemonsarehisfault,andonlyblameshimselfbecause
ofit,andIwanttotellyou.Itwasnothisfault;hecouldnothavedoneanythingtostopwhathappened.
Pleasejuststickwithhim,Rhettlovesyousomuch.”

Ileanbackinmychair,asIwonderifherspeechhashelpedme,orscaredme.WhywouldIthink

lessofhim,fearhimorleavehim?Ireallycan’tseemelivingwithoutRhettatthemoment,himgoing

backtoEnglandforthisfightismakingmefeelhorrible,monthswithoutseeinghimisgoingtobe
hard.

“Whenwouldyoubebackhere?”Iaskchangingthesubjecttosomething,anythingelse.“Itwas

nicetomeetyouandwouldloveforyoucomeagainsoon,”Isayleaningonthetable.

“NotsurewhenIwillbebackinVegas,butIhopeyouwillthinkaboutcomingtoEngland,when

Rhettcomes,”takingmyhandsinhers,“itwillbenice,Christmaswithfamily.”

Takingmyhandsawayfromhers,Istandup.“Noahismyfamily,andhewillbehere,”Iwalk

away,pickingmycaseupIleave.

“Scarlett,Ididn’tmeanitlikethat,”IhearHelensaybehindme,Iclosethebedroomdoor,putthe

caseonthefloorandheadintothebathroom,andfillthebathtubup.

IknowI’mbeingabitch,everytimeIhearthewordfamily,butmyfamilyisNoah,andthat'sit.I

hadamotherandafather;Idon’tneedanyonetotaketheirplace.Thepeoplethattriedtotaketheirplace
onlybroughtmehurtandbadmemories.Idon’twanttogethurtagainbylettingpeopleinthatmighthurt
meagain.

“Sweetheart,canIcomein?”IhearRhettknockonthedoor,Istayquietandhearthedooropen,

kneeling,“mayIjoinyou?”heasks,notinaplayfulway,noteveninaneverythingwillbeokayway.
GivinghimanodIwatchhimundresshimself,“moveup.”leaningoffthetub,Rhettgetsinbehindme,his
legsoneithersideofme.Leaningbackintohim,Iclosemyeyes,asIlistentoRhett’sheartbeating.

“Iwillcallyourmominthemorningtosaysorry,”Isay,Ioveracted,andIknowIdid.

“Talktome,Sweetheart,everytimesomeonetalksaboutfamilytoyou,youpanic.Jay,theother

day,me,nowmymom.”Hisfingersstrokingmyarms,myhandsonhisupperleg.TalktohimIcando
that.

“Ihaveafamily,Noah.ThatisallIknewforsolong.ThelasttimeIhadafamily,itonlyleftme

withbadmemories,adrinkingproblem,and…”IwipemytearsasIlosecontrolofmyemotions,“Ican’t
letpeopleinmylife,onlytofeelletdownagain.Noah’sdoneitbecauseIworkedmyassofftomake
surehehadanormallife.WellasnormalIcouldgivehim,butIwouldnotlethimnotfeelthelove,we
weremeanttoget,Inevergotthatlove,andnowitseemstobecomingfromyourfamily,andI’mnot
handlingitthebestway.”IsayasRhettwrapshisarmsaroundmetight.Hedoesn’tsayanythingfora
whileandjustholdsme.

“Iwon’tsayIknowhowyoufeel,buttheyseeyoulikefamily,andIwantyoutoseethemasa

familytoo.Mymomlovesyou.”Rhettkissesmyforehead,“Iknowit’shardforyou,butletithappen.”

Idon’treply,Ileanbackandclosemyeyes,he’srightIhavetotrytoletthemintotheplaceIshut

offfromanyone.Theplacewherethefamilyshouldbe.

Chapter14

IcalledHelenandJaythismorningwhenRhettlefttodropthemoffattheairport.Ithoughtcalling

themwhenhewasn’therewouldbeeasierforme.IspoketoJayfirst,andhewasjustasniceashe
alwaysis.HesaidhewouldgetsomenonalcoholicdrinksreadyformewhenIcome,andIcouldn’tstop
laughingathim.So,sureofhimselfthatIwillbegoingRhettwhenhegoesbackhome.Iwasmore
nervoustalkingtoHelen;Iapologizedforlastnight;IknowIwasrudeandItoldherthatIwasjustbeing
funnyaboutitall.HelensaidsheunderstoodwhereIwascomingfromanddidn’tholditagainstme,
whichIthoughtwasveryniceofher.Shealsosaidshewouldseemeinafewweeks;Ismiledtomyself;I
havenoideaifI’mgoingtoEnglanditalldependsonifheopensuptome.

“Girlsnightin?”EmmawalksovertomeasIpinmybadgeon,I’vemissedbeingatwork.Aplace

thatIcangetawayfromthings,butIknowthatthebitchCeCeisstillhere,andI’mgoingtobestayingout
ofherwayasmuchasIcan.

“Iwouldloveagirl’snightin?”IgiveherasmilewhichfadesasIlookather,“what’swrong?

YouandMattokay?”IaskasIwatchher.

“That'swhatIwanttotalktoyouabout,”shelooksaroundthechangingroom,“I’mmoving.”She

whispers.

Idon’tknowifsheisjokingornot,shedoesn’tseemthatexcitedaboutit.“Arewecelebrating,or

amIcomingovertotalkyououtofit?”Istartlaughingnotsurewhatshewantsfromtonight.

“You’recomingtohelpbemakeupmymind.”

“Girlsnightinitisthen,”Iwalkovertothecarttofillitup,“whendoyougo?”Iaskputtingthe

towelsonthebottomofthecart.

“AfterRhett’sfight,butwecantalktonight.”Walkingouttothecorridor,webothgoourseparate

way,“Meetyouatthebar;wecangohometogether!”Emmashoutsbackatme.

Wavingmyhanduptoher,IwalktomyfirstroomallthetimethinkingaboutEmmamoving.I'm

beingselfish;Ithinkaboutmylivingsituation.ImeanIcan’taffordthatplacebymyself,butasherfriend,
Iwanthertobehappy,andifmovingtoLAwithMatt,thenIwillpushhertodoit.

Itwillbesoweirdnothavingherhereatworkorathome.EmmaissomeonethatIlooktoasa

sister,asafamily,someonetotalktowhenIneeditmost.

Walkingoutofmyfirstroom,IrunintoCeCeIpushthecartawaynotgivingherthechancetosay

anythingtome,andsmileassoonasIseeTerry;asIknowshewon’tsayanythingtomewithhimhere,
andIwon’thither.

“MorningSweetheart,”Terrygivesmeakiss,“Rhett’sgonehometogetsomesleep,hesaidhe

wouldcallyouwhenhewakesup.”Terrywalkswithmetothenextroom.

“IwasgoingtocallhimonmylunchbreakasI’mhavingagirl’snightwithEmma.”Knockingon

thedoor,tomynextroom,“Housekeeping,”hearingnothingIwalkin,withTerrybehindme.Ilookat

him,“YesTerry,howcanIhelpyou?”Iaskknowinghewouldliketoaskmesomething.

“ThoughtIcouldhelpyou,”helooksatme,“thecompany,”headds.

Ilookathimwithmyhandonmyhip,“TerryIwon’thitherunlessshepushesmetothepointI

can’tlistentoher.”Ireassurehim,Rhettisunbelievable,gettingTerrytobabysitmeatwork.“Soplease
tellRhett,thatifIwanttohither,IwilldoitwhenI’mnotatwork,Ican’taffordtolosemyjob.”Shaking
myhead,Iheadtothebathroomtogetstarted.

“Iwilltellhim,Scarlettpleasejustignoreher,”Terryleansonthedoorframe,givinghimanod

andasmile.Terryleavesgivingmeawink.

Continuingwithmyrooms,IlookatthetimeasIhavetomeetEdinreceptionbecauseIhavework

togivehim.IttookmeawhiletogeteverythingtothewayIlikeditandhappythathewasabletoreadit
beforeIhavetoemailitback.IlikethatIhavemystudiestofocusonatthemoment,itdoesn’treallygive
metimetothinkaboutdrinking.

Parkingmycart,IgrabmyUSBstickfrommylocker,myphonevibratesinmypocket.

Rhett-Howisyourfirstdayback?

Scarlett-Goodbusy.Areyouheadingtothegym?

GivingEdasmile,“hereitis,piecenumberonedone,”Ismile,knowingthatIdidthisbymyself

withnohelp.“Ihopeit’sallright.”IseeEmmawalkingtothetablewithourlunch.

“Iwillcallyoutomorrow,toletyouknowifyoucanemailitovertothem,”Edlooksatmefora

moment,“howareyou?”Heasks.

“Good,nothingtocomplainabout,Rhettisstillnottalkingtome,butI’mtryingnottothinkaboutit

toomuch,hewantsmetogotoEnglandtowatchhisfightwithZach,notsureifIwant,”Isaylooking
downatmyhands.

“Maybegoingoverthere,youcanseehowhislifeis,andhemightevenopentoyouthere.”Ed

rubsmyarm,“Iknowyoudon’twanttowalkawayfromhim,it'swrittenalloveryouface,butIcansee
thatyouarelosingitalittletoo.”

“WellIhaveyouandNoahtohelpmethroughwhateverbadshitisabouttohitme,”Istart

laughing,Icanonlylaughaboutthingsnowandjustwait.Listeningtomyringtone,Itakemyphoneoutof
mypocket,Rhett’snameflashes.“Hello.”

“Youhaven’tmessagedback;it’sbeenawhilenow,”Rhettsoundsveryworriedoverthephone.

“IwastalkingtoEd,onesecond.”puttingthephonedown,“Iwilltalktoyoutomorrow,”givingEd

akissonthecheek,hewavesbye.“What'supRhett?”IstartwalkingtoEmma.

“Nothingjustgotworried.”

“WorriedIgotinafightwithyourwife?”Iasksittingdown,“Don’tworryTerrywasbabysitting

me,”IlookatEmmagivingmeafunnylook,makingmelaughalittle.

“Itwasn’tbabysittingSweetheart,IjustknowhowCeCeis,”Rhetttriestofighthiscasewithme,

“andIknowshewillpusheverybuttonyouhave.”

“It’sfineRhett;I’mabiggirlIthinkIcanwalkawayfromher.”Grabbingmyfork,Istartpickingat

mypasta,“AnywayI’mgladyoucalled,I’mhavingagirl’snightinwithEmma,”IsaywatchingCeCe
walkingintothebarwithherotherBarbielookingfriends.

“So,you’renotcominghome?”

“No,I’mnot,butIwillseeyoutomorrownight,”Itellhim,smilingashegrowlsdownthephoneat

me.

“I’mnotgoingtoseeyouinliketwenty-fourhours;someonewillmissbeinginsideyou.”Ican’t

helpmylaughathiscomment,“Imeanit,IthoughtIwasgoingtohaveyounakedtoday,Iwasplanningon
usingthewallagain.”Thereisn’tahumortohistoneatall;hemeanswhathe'ssayingtome;hehadasex
nightplannedforus.

“Well,thewallwilljusthavetowaituntiltomorrow,”takingamouthfullofpasta.

“Whataboutmyhard-on?”Istartchokingonmyfood,“Thatgotyourattention,”thecockyasshole.

“Okay,I’msittingherewithEmma,Idon’tthinkshewantstolistentomyhalfofthis

conversation,”Ilookatherstaringatme,“Soforyourhard-on,Ithinkanicecoldshowermightwork,”I
sayasCeCewalkspastme.It’slikesheisdoingthisonpurpose,wantingtopissmeoff.

“Fine,Iwilljerkoffthinkingaboutyou,becausethereisnowayIcangoawholedaywiththis

hard-on,Seeyoutomorrow.Iloveyou.”Icanheartheannoyanceinhistone.

“Seeyoutomorrow.”Endingthecall,“sowillyouandMattlivetogether?”Iask.

“Don’tchangethesubject;Rhettseemstobe…What'sthewordtouse,asexmachine,”Emma

startslaughingatme.

“Shutup,”throwingapieceofpastaather.Yes,heisasexmachine,butIwasn’tgoingtotellher

that.Everythingthatmandoestomeinthebedroomandoutofthebedroom,Iwanttokeeptomyself.

“Ifshewon’tanswerthequestion,Iwill.”IlookupatCeCe,“yesheisasexmachine,andhedoes

thingsthatIneverthoughtIwouldlovesomuch,bestsexintheworld.”Shesaysallthewhilelookingat
me.

“Well,it’sagoodthingyouhavethememoriesasitwon’tbehappeningagain.”Ibitebacktoher,I

won'tletitaffectme,“soyougotobedeverynightandwishthatRhettwasnexttoyou,buthewon’tbe
becausehewillbenexttomeeverynight.”Iwatchherattitudechangeinamatterofsecondsthatonehurt
her.Good,shecanfuckoffnow.

“Thingsaremeanttochange,”shesayswalkingawayfromus.Bitch.

“Ishethebestsexever?”Emmaturnstome.

Shakingmyheadather,“fromallthat,allyougotwasthebestsex?”IlookatEmmalookingatme

forananswer.

“Comeon;Matt’sthebestsexI’vehad.”

“Ibet,asyou’reabouttoleavemetomovetoLA,hebestbeamazinginbed.”Webothstart

laughing.I’mreallygoingtomisstheseconversationswithher.

Sheismybestfriend.

***

Rhettmessagedmeafewtimestherestofmyshiftmoaningabouthowhardheis,andI’mnotthere

tohelphim,thatmustbeamanthing,theyhavetotellyouthattheyarehardandmakeyoufeelbadabout
notbeingtheretohelpthem.

Comingouttheshower,Iruntomyphoneasitrings,seeingthatit’sAdam.“Hey,”IsayasIputon

myshortsandtanktop.

“I’mcomingdownbutonlyforfourdays,”Icanbarelyhearhim,hemustbeinoneoftheclubs,I

wouldliketosayworking,butIthinkitismorelikepickingupwomen.Adamisahandsomeguy.

“Whenare,youcoming?”Iaskwalkingouttothekitchen;Emmaorderedpizza,whichisalwaysa

winforme.

“I’mcomingonSaturday,thengoingbackWednesdaymorning,”Adamshoutsdownthephone.

“Adam,Icanhardlyhearyou,IwillseeyouSaturday.”NowI’myellingdownthephone,Ican

hearhimtryingtosaysomethingtome,butIcan’thearhim,soIhangup.

Grabbingthepizzabox,“soletgetthisdecisionmade,shallwe?”IwalkovertoEmmaasshefills

herglassupwithwineagain,“Comeon,talktome.”Isitdown,crossmylegsandwaitforhertostart
talking.

“I’mabouttoleaveeverythingIknow,Ilove,thecityIgrewupintomovetoLAwhereIknowno

one,yesIknowMatt,buthisfriendsovertherearebigdicks.”Emmatakesahugesipofherwine,“I’m
scaredthatIwillloseeverythinghereifLAdoesn’tworkoutforme.IloveMattIdo,but…I’mscared
thathisfriendsarenotgoingtoacceptme.”Fillingherwineglassagain.

“Em,theonlypersonyouneedonyoursideisMatt,andifhe’snotignoringyou,andyoutwo,are

happythenIreallydon’tthinkyouhaveanythingtoworryabout.”Icanstillseetheworryonherface,
“DidAmandasayyoustillhaveajobifyoucomeback?”Iask.

“Yeah,saidIwillalwayshaveaplacehere.Whichisagoodthing.”Thewaysheistalkingsheis

alreadyplanninghertripbacktoVegaswithoutevengivingitachance.

“Youkeepthinkinglikethatthenyouwillbeback,haveyoutalkedtoMattaboutthis?”

“Yeah,hesaidI’mjustworriedaboutmovingtoanewplace,andscaredofadjustingtoit.”She

sayssippingonherwine.

“IagreewithMatt,gothereseehowitisandgofromthere.Don’tstressaboutitnowwhenthereis

nothingyoucanreallydo.Forallyouknowyoumightevenloveitthere,”Ismileather,“andthatgives
meareasontohavearoadtripdownthere.”

“Youbetterbecomingdowntovisitme,”pushingmyshoulder,“Iwon’tfindafriendlikeyou.”

“Youwillfindabetterfriend,someonethatcandrinkwinewithyouondayslikethis.”Istartto

laugh,andEmmacries.“Em,don’tcry.Everythingwillbefine,andyouwillhavesomuchfunthere,you
mightevengetsomecelebritiesstayingatthehotel,thinkaboutit,sexyactors.”Tryingtomakeherfeela
littlebetteraboutmoving.

“Isupposesomesexyactors,won’tbeabadthing.”Grabbingasliceofpizzaandhandingitover

tome,thengrabbingherselfone,thenlooksaroundtheapartment,“IsupposeIbestgetpacking,onlygot
fivedaystogo.”

“Afterworktomorrow,let’sgetstarted,”takingabitefrommypizza,“youtakingeverythingor…”

“TheleaseisuntilMarch,sountilthenallthebigstuffwillstayhere,andbythenIcanseehowLA

isworkingoutformetoo.So,youarefreetostayhere,butyouhavespentmoretimewithRhett,Ibet
you’veforgottenwhatyourbedfeelslike.”Emmastartslaughingatme.

“Youknowlittlemissfunny;thisisthefirstplaceIcalledhome.”Ilookaround,it’snolie,whenI

movedinhereandtoldEmmaeverythingthathappened,Ifelthappyhere,safe.

“Nowyouaregoingtomakemecry,”shecovershereyesandshakesherhead.

“Shutup,webothknowthatyouaregoingtobefineandthatyou’regoingtohaveanamazing

time.”Pushinghershoulder,“soyoulistentomeEmmaTaylor,youareastrongwomanwebothknow
that,youtakenoshitfromanyone,soyoumovetoLA,andyoushowMatt’sfriendsthatyouarenotthere
totakeshitfromthem.”Ipointmyfingersathermakingsureheheardme.

“Youknowyou'reright,Idon’ttakeshitfrompeople,”Emmaputsherhandsintofists,“I’mmoving

toLA,”nowshesoundsliketheEmmaIknow.

“You’removingtoLA,”takemyglassofwater,Iclickitwithhers,andwedrinkourdrinks,and

carryoneatingourpizza.

Wespenttherestoftheeveningwatchingmoviesandchattingaboutoldtimes,whenIfirstmoved

in,theone-nightstands,evenheroldboyfriends.Itwasafungirl’snightin,andsomethingIneeded
myself.

Iknowit’sgoingtobeweirdnothavingEmmaherewithme,tohelpmeoutwhenIfalllikeshehas

allthetimesbefore,butIwon’ttellherthat

Chapter15

Grabbingmylunchfromthefridge,ImeetEmmaatthetable.Iwasslowcleaningmyroomsthis

morningIdidnotwanttobeheretodayatall.Iwantedtocrawlbackinbedpullthecoversoverme;I
couldfeelabadcoldhittingme,butIjusttookaweekoffworkIcannotgetill.Puttingmysoupinthe
microwave,Itakesomecoldmedicinetohelpmepowerthroughtheday,andIpromisedEmmathatI
wouldhelppack,whichIdon’tthinkIwillhavetheenergyfor.WalkingovertoEmma,Isitdownand
placemyheadonthetable.

“Stillnotfeelingbetter?”pattingthetopofmyhead.

“No,Ifeellikeshit.I’mneverill,”Isaywithmyheadstillonthetable,andit’strueI’venever

beenill,andifIhadalittlecough,Iwouldpowerthroughit,takemypillsandthenextmorningIwould
bebacktonormal,buttoday.TodayIfeelworsethanwhenIwenttobed.

“I’msorry,youlooklikeshit,soyoumustfeelit…”shegoesquiet.“eatyoursoupbeforeitgets

cold.”

Ifeelahandonthebackofmyneck,“Hey,Sweetheart.”hearingthechairmovenext,“badday?”

heasks.

“Notfeelingwell,”IsayasIslowlyliftmyheadoffthetable,“Ifeellikeshit.”hesmiles,Icansee

himholdinginalaugh,“it’snotfunny,Ifeelhorrible.”Ipushhim,buthedoesn’tmove.

“Icansee,soonasyoufinishgohomeandbed.”pushingthesoupinfrontofme,hishandonmy

backasItakeamouthfulofsoup.Mybodyishurting,eventomovemyarm,IleanonRhett’sarm,it's
onlybeenadaysinceI’veseenhimbutGodI’vemissedbeingclosetohim.

“Scarlettsaidyou’removingtoLA,”Rhettsays,gettingbacktomysoup,Rhett’shandisnot

leavingmyback,IlistentohisandEmma’sconversation,nothavingtheenergytotalk.

EmmatoldhimabouthowworriedsheisaboutmovingtoLAandnotfeelingconfidentabouthis

friends.Iwishshewouldstopthinkingabouthisfriends,Imean,helikesherthat'sallthatmatters.Rhett
saidthesamething,toldherthatMattwasagoodguy,he’snotspentmuchtimewithhimbuttheother
fighters,havesaidnicethingsabouthim.

IlookedatEmmaasRhettwastellingherallthisstuff,andshesmiles.ThebestthingisIdidn’t

evenhavetotellRhetttosaythenicethings,hejustsaidthemtoher.

“I’mgoingtobeinTerry’sroom,comethereonceyoufinish,”Givingmeakissonthecheek,

“Sweetheartyouareboiling,”puttinghishandonmycheek.

“I’llbefine;weareonlaundrydutythisafternoon.”IpointbetweenEmmaandme;Rhettlooksat

me,andhedoesn’tseemtoohappyaboutmeworkingtherestoftheday.“Iwillbefine,”Itellhimagain.

“Ifshelooksanyworse,callme,”RhetttellsEmma,andIrollmyeyesathim.

“Canshelookanyworse?”Emmalaughs,andIthrowmynapkinather.

“Seeyoulater,”Isayashegetsup,andkissesmyhead.LookingatEmma,“shallwegettowork,

andfinishthislongday?”Slowlygettingup,whenEmmasawmethismorning,shetoldmethenthat
packingwasnotgoingbehappeningtodayandIcouldjustaboutliftmybodyweightup.AndIdidnot
fightwithheronthatone,webothsaidit’sprobablyatwenty-four-hourthing,andIhopeweareright.

***

Therestofmyshiftwentslow,notsureifthatwasbecauseeverytimeImovedithurtsobad,or

thedaywasjustgoingthatslow.IknockonTerry’sdoor.

“Sweetheart,youlookworse.”Rhettpullsmeinforahug,“andyouaresohot.”Iwalkintothe

sittingarea,“givemefiveminutes;thenwecanleave.”Givingmeakissonthehead.

IhearRhettwalkbackintothebedroomwhereIcanhearTerrytalking,it'saboutthefightwith

Zach,talkingaboutdates.LyingdownonthecouchasIcan’tkeepmyselfsittingupanylonger,Ihopethis
reallyisatwenty-fourthingotherwiseitwillsuck.ImeanIjusthadaweekoffthatwhenIcouldhave
gottenill,notwhenIgetbacktowork.

“Sweetheart,youneedtowakeup,”Ifeelafingerstrokingmycheek,“youneedtoeatsomething.”

Openingmyeyesslowly,IsmilelookingatRhettsexyface.

“Readytogo?”Iaskstilllyingdown.

“Sweetheart,youhavebeenasleepforfourhours,IcalledAmandaforaroomforthenight,asI

didn’twanttowakeup,”Rhettreplies,lookingatmeasIlookattheroom,shithereallybookedaroom
foronenight,sohedidn’thavetowakemeup.Imeanwhodoesthat?“I’veorderedfoodsoyoucanhave
aquickshower.”

“Idon’tthinkIhavetheenergyforashower,”Ilookawayfromhim.ThismanisadreamIswear

I’mgoingwakeupfromsoon,andeverythingaroundmewillcrash.“Notthathungryeither,”Isaylying
backdowninbed.

“Well,youhavetoeat,”pullingthecoversoffme.Ilookdownatthet-shirtI’mwearing,“Igotyou

thet-shirtfromthegiftstore,youruniformisinyourlocker,andnowthatisallclearedup,comeover
hereandeat.”Rhettwalksaroundtomysideofthebedandgetsmeout.

Istandinfrontofhimandjuststareathim,lookingathisbeautifulgreeneyes,Idon’tever

rememberthelasttimesomeonelookedafterme,Rhettisthefirstpersonwhoalwayshasfromdayone,
putmyneedsbeforehis.

“Youokay,Sweetheart?”Rhettcupsmyface.

“Yeah,justreallywanttokissyou,butdon’twantyoutocatchwhateverIhave,”Ianswer,not

wantingtotellhimtherealthoughtsaregoingaroundinmyhead.

“Itwillbeworthit,Idon’tcare,”bringinghislipstomine,asoft,gentlekiss.“LuckyIloveyouso

much.”Pullingmeovertothesittingarea,Isitdownasheanswersthedoor,“thankyou.”Ihearhimsay

andthedoorclosingbehindhim.

IwatchRhettputthetrayonthetable,asIpulltheblanketandwrapitaroundme,“Youcold?”I

lookupatRhettwatchingme,shakingmyhead,Imoveforwardandliftthelidtothefood.“Igotyou
somechickensoup,”Rhettsmilesandsitdownnexttome.

“HowdidyourmeetinggowithTerry?”Iaskwantingtotalkaboutsomethingelse.

“Good,justtryingtofindagooddatetohavethefight,IwantitbeforeChristmas,sothatwayIcan

comebackandspenditherewithyou,butI’mstillhopingyouwillcomewithme.”Rhettlooksback
downathisfood,asIlookoverathim.

IreallyhavenoteventhoughtaboutgoingtoEngland,theonlywayIcangoisifhepaysformy

ticket,“whendotheywantthefight?”Iask.

“NewYear’sEve,”keepinghisheaddown,helooksatme,“atthemomentitseemslikeit'sgoing

tobeNewYear'sEve.”Rhettsayshisvoicealittlequite,thengetsbacktohisfood.

Ifeelatightnessinmychest,ImeanIwon’tseehimChristmasorNewYear’s,“westillhavetime

totalkaboutit,”Ireturntomysoupknowingverywellthatit'snotgoingtogowellforeitherofus.

“Sweetheart,wedon’t.ThefightisonSaturday,andIgobacktoEnglandaweeklater,sowehave

twoweeks.”

“Butthefight’snotuntilDecember,whichisthreemonthsaway.”IlookathimasIdipmybread

intomysoup.

“It’sabigfightScarlett,andTerrywantsmetheretraining,”Ilookathim,heneverusesmyname,

it’salwaysSweetheart,thisisarealconversationwherehewantstogetanswersbytheendofit.“Iwant
youtherebymyside,”puttinghishandontopofmine,hegoesontosaysomethingbutstops,“Scarlett,I
loveyouand…”Iknowwhat'scoming,andheknowsverywellhowIwillreacttoit.“Icanpayforyour
ticket.”

Givinghimasmile,Ilookbackdownatmyfood.It’snothimpayingformyticket,ImeanIhatethe

thoughtofsomeoneelsepayingforme,butit’stimeoffwork,Ineedthisjob,thenthereisNoahand
Penny,andthebaby.BeforeIsayyesaboutgoingtoEngland,Ineedtoseewhatishappeninghere.

“Sweetheart,Idon’twantyoutostartafightoverthiswithme,youhavegonequiet,andthat

alwaysscaresme.”Thereitis,thesexyboyishgrin.“Idon’twanttoupsetyou,getyoumadatme.Iwant
youtoknowyouwillalwayshaveme,tohelpyou.”RhettholdsmyhandsasIpushmybowlawayfrom
me,“Justdon’tsaynotoit,butthinkaboutit.”

Noddingmyhead,“Thisisn’tafightRhett,I’vejustneverhadhelpwiththingsbefore,soI’mused

todoingeverythingmyself,asyouknowrelationshipsarenotmystrongpoint,”Ismileathim.“ButI
knowyouwillalwayshelpme,bethereforme,andasyousay,willalwaysbebymyside,”Ilookathim
watchingmeveryclosely.“IpromiseIwillthinkaboutit.”Leaningclosertohim,Igivehimasmallkiss.

“Nottoruinthisnicemoment,butIreallyhopeyouarefeelingbettertomorrowbecauseIwantto

beinsideyousobadly.”

Ican’thelpburstingoutlaughing.

“I’msohappyyouarefindingmypainsofunny,”Rhettsays,asIshakemyhead,asIlaughmore.

“AndtheworstthingisIhavetosleepnexttoyouwhileyouwearnothingbutat-shirt.”Standing

up,heleansdownandpicksmeupasIweighnothingtohim,“Youwait,Sweetheart,I’mgoingtofuck
youpushedupthebedroomwall.”

“Whichbedroom?”Iask,hishouseorthehotel.

“Ifyouwakeupfeelingbetter,thishotelwall.”Rhettputsmeinbed;Ismilethinkingfakingbeing

wellisworthbefuckedagainstthewall,IknowRhetthasnowgonetwodayswithoutsex,andit'skilling
him.

“IhopeIfeelbetterwhenIwakeup,”IsmileasIwatchhimwalkaroundthebed,pullingthe

coversoverus,Icrawlupnexttohim,myheadonhischestandmyarmwrappedaroundhim.

“I’malreadyhopingyouarenotaswarmasyouwerethismorning.”Kissingthetopofmy,“Let's

hopeit’satwenty-fourthing.”Pullingmecloser,“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,Rhett.”

***

Iwakeupinanemptybed;RhettmusthavegonetotalktoTerry,orI’mhopinghe'sgonetogetmy

uniform.Iwokeupfeelingsomuchbettermybodyisn’tachingatall,andIfeellikemynormalself.

Grabbingthetowelofftherail,Idrymyselfupandwrapitaroundme.Openingthedoor,Ismileas

IseeRhettlyingonthebed.

“God,pleasetellmeyouarefeelingbetterbecausethatisjustteasingthefuckoutofme.”Rhett

getsoffthebed,takinghisshirtoffasheslowlywalksoverwaitingformetosaysomethingtohim.

Ismile,asmallsmilebutheknowswhatI’mtellinghimwithoutevenhavingtosayawordtohim.

Andjustlikethathispacetowardsmequickens,beforeIcanevensayanythingtohimhislipcrash

intomine,andpushingmeback,thenmybackhitsthewall,hisbodypinningmetothewall.

Iinhalesharplyashislipsslidealmostnon-existentovermyrightcheek,ticklingthesensitiveskin

there.Hedropshisheadandkissesmyshoulderlightly,Rhett’shandmovingdownmybodyandstopping
bymywaist.

Usinghisotherhand,heraisesmyarmsaboveme;hepresseshishipsagainstme,andIcanfeelthe

growingbulgeatthefrontofhisjoggingpants.Ithennoticethemusicplayinginthebackground,can’tgo
wrongwithsomeBoyzIIMenplaying.

OneofRhett’shandsdroppedfrommywristsanddisappearedunderthetowel,hisfingersgrazing

lightlyovertheskinonmyupperthigh.I’mstrugglingtocatchmybreath.Hischestrumbleswithasmooth

chucklewhenhishandslidesevenfurtherupward,“Areyouwet?”Hewhispers,sendinghotairovermy
neck.

I’mwetandreadyforRhett;heonlyhastotouchmeformetogetwet.InodlettinghimknowI’m

readyforhim,Rhett’sfingermovingupmythighhigherandhigherbutsoslow. Rhett’sotherhand
movesdowntomywaist,findingthegapinthetowel,“yourskinisbeautiful,youarebeautiful.”Kissing
myneck,IfeelRhettpullingmytoweloffme,hishandmovingtomyleftbreast,hiskneesslidebetween
mineforcingmylegsapart.IstruggletomaintainmybalanceasImovemylegswidertoaccommodate
hisotherleg,butRhettgrabsholdofmetightsoIcan’tmove.

“Nevergoingtoletyoufall,Sweetheart.”Rhetthandmovestomyassandliftsmeupwrappingmy

legsaroundhiswaist,bringinghisheaddownheflicksmynipplewithhistongue,thenIfeelhiswarm
moutharounditsucking.

“Mmmmm,”themoanescapesmylipsasRhettsucksharder,alotharder.Archingmybackoffthe

wall,Rhettpushesmyhipsbackdown.Rhettpullsawayandlooksatme.Hisbeautifulgreeneyesstareat
me,they’vegottendarker,makingmefeeltrappedinhim,andIneverwanttoescapethem.

Hismouthcrushesdownonminesendingmysensesexplodinginamilliondifferentdirectionsat

once,andIinstinctivelygrindmyhipsagainsthis.Ihearasmallgruntrumblefromhisthroat;Rhettkisses
meharder,hishipspushingmeevenmoreintothewall.

Hishandscupmybreast,andIcanfeeltheheatradiatingfromit.Hisotherhandslipsdowntomy

waist,andhepusheshimselfbackawayfromme,Ilookathiminsurpriseatthesuddensmallspace
betweenus.ThenIlookdowntothewaistbandofhisjoggers,slowlyhestartspullingthemdown,but
thenstopsashishardcockstartstopopthroughthetop.IbitemybottomlipasIknowthatwillbeinside
mesoon.Theheatisfloodingmyskinasheslowlypushesthemfurtherdown,itseemedlikeforever,and
thatRhettisdoingthisonpurposetoteaseme,Rhettlooksupatmeandsmiles.

“Ready,Sweetheart?”

“Foryou?Always,”andjustlikethathismouthisonmine,andclosesthespace,andthebeastthat

Ienjoyisinfrontofme.

Rhett’steasingme,movinghishipstomine,he’srubbingagainstme,myarousalisgettinghigher

andhigher.Hishandsonthebackofmyupperthigh,pullingthemhigher,andjustthenheburieshimself
intome.

Aloud,intenseroaringbuzzesinmyearasRhettfillsme,myhandsonhisshoulders,mynailsdig

intohimashethrustsharderintome,makingmegasp,“Rhett.”Ishout.

Heshiftsslightlyandwithdraws,Ilookathimagaininshock,thisisteasing.Thenhesmiles,and

thrustsforwardatthesametime,mylowerbackispainfullybeatingagainstthewallbehindme.Histeeth
grazeupmyneck,andheshiftsmylegshigheragain,allowinghimselfdeeperaccess.

Myvisionexplodesintoathousandlights,thenplungesintopitchblacknessaseverymuscleinmy

bodycontractspainfullyatonce.MusclesdeepinsideofmethatIneverknewexistedclenchestightly
aroundhim,andIheardalowgroaninmyear.

Theworldshatters.

Mybodygoesrigidastheclimaxignitesdeepinsideofme,atorrentofshock-wavesoverrunning

mysystemsopowerfullythatIcanbarelybreathe.IamdimlyawareofRhettmoving;thepowerful
strokesaremakingmefeelasifhewillpoundmeintothewall.Rhettispoundinglikeabeastnow.

Myfingernailsdigintothefleshofhisshoulders,demanding,pushinghimtocontinue.Heraises

hishead,andIcanseehiseyesaredarkerhiscontrolslipping.Iraiseoneofmyhandsfromhisshoulder
toslipupthroughhishairthenpullhisfaceroughlytowardsmine.OurmouthsandtonguesmeetandI
Rhettslamsmeagainstthewall,hishandslidingfrommythightoslapagainstthewallforsupport.
Strong,pulsatingfleshagainstfleshcausingmybodytodefymybrainagainandIcrashovertheedgeone
lasttime.Rhettbreaksthekissandburieshisheadbackintomyshoulderashethrustsupwardhardinto
me.

“Scarlett,”Mynamecomesoutinagrowlashepushesonemoretimehard,andIfeelhimshoot

insideme.

Aloudpoundinginmyearsbringsmebackslowlytomyself.Irealizethatitismyhearthammering

againstmychestatarapidpace.Swallowingslowly,Istruggletoregainmybreath.Myentirebody
tinglesasthefeelingofbeingwellfuckedmakemesmile.

Rhettbringshishandstomyhipsagain,“Nowthat'sfuckingupawall,”hesmiles,thenkissesme,I

feelmybackleavethewall,andIrealizethatRhettiswalkingtothebathroom.Sittingmeonthecounter,
Ilookathimsmilingatme.“Nowalldayyou'regoingtosmellofme,”hewinks,pickingupahandtowel
andholdingunderthetap.

Gentlyopeningmylegs,hecleansmeup.“Rhett,”Iwhisperhisname,andhelooksupatme.Istay

quietashestareswaitingformetoaddsomethingtohisname,shakingmyheadIkisshim.

“Youokay,Ididn’thurtyoudidI?”

“No,notinabadway,”Ismile.Whatthehellisstoppingmefromsayingthreewordstohim?

Keepingmyhandswrappedaroundhisshoulders,“I’llcallEmma,togetmyuniform,”kissinghischeek.

“I’llgogetit.”

“You'regoingtogetmyuniform,walkthroughthehotel,”Iraisemyeyebrowsathim.

“Yes,Iwillgogetit.YouthinkI'mworriedwhateveryonewillsay?ThatI’mpussywhipped,look

down,”Ilookdownathishardcock,“theneveryoneisright,Iamwhippedforyourpussy.”Quickly
pickingmeup,hishandsgrabmyass,“Readyforroundtwo,Sweetheart?”Throwingmedownonthe
bed.

AmIready?Hellyes.

AmIgoingtobesoreafter?Hellyes.

AmIgoingtohavehishandprintsonme?Hellyes.

Chapter16

Tworoundsofsex,andthreeorgasmslater,Igettowork.ThisisthebestmorningI’vehadinages,

andIfeeltoogoodwitheverythinginmylifeatthemoment.

“Youseembetter,”EmmajoinsmeintheroomI’mcleaning.

“Somuchbetter,girl’snightandpackingtonight,”Ilookatherthrowingapillowcaseather.

“Yes,Ireallyhavetodoit.Mattgotourticketstoday;weleaveassoonasthefightisover,”

Laughingatherwithherbottomlipstickingout,“soyouhavetopromisemethatyouwillcallmeevery
dayandyoucan’thaveanotherbestfriend.”Shepointsherfingeratme.

“Iwon’thaveanotherbestfriend,andIwillcallyou.ButyouaremovingtoLA;youbetternotfind

anewbestfriend,”Ipointbacktoher.“Plus,Ican’twaittocomevisityou.”Pullingonthebedsheet
down,“Istillcan’tbelievethatyouareleaving,youbetternotmakemecry.”Walkingovertothecart,I
leanonitasIturnaroundtofaceEmma,whoiswipinghertears.“Isaidnocryingyouwouldsetmeoff.”
Wrappingmyarmsaroundher.

“Iknow,butIloveyousomuch.”Wrappingherarmstighteraroundme.

IknowthatSaturdaynightisgoingtobeahardnightforme,Emmaleavingisgoingtobringme

down,soRhettbetterwinhisfightotherwiseI’mgoingtohavetokickhisass.

“Comeon,lunchtime,andthenwehavethefundutyofhelpinginthekitchentoday,”Ismileather.

Twoofthekitchenstaffcalledinsick,soAmandasaidwecouldhaveit,sowegettospendtimetogether
beforesheleaves.

Emmahadalookonlinelastnightatthehotelshewillbeworkingat,sheishappywithitsaidit’s

thesameasthisone,whichIthoughtitwouldbe.ShesaidthatalotoftheA-listerstaythere,andshetold
meshewouldtakepicturesandmakemyjealouswiththem,Icouldn’tstoplaughingwhenshetoldme.
SheseemstobemoreonboardwithgoingtoLA,whichIamsohappyaboutthat,shewasreallystarting
tofeelshitaboutit.

Sittingdown,IgiveMattasmileashejoinsusatthetable,“Ladies,”givingEmmaakiss;Ismile

atthemboth.“Igetthekeystomynewapartmenttomorrow,”hetakesabiteofherburger,andshegives
himalook.

“Youdidn’thavetogetanewapartment,babe.”Emmalooksathim.Ithoughtitwassweetthat

Mattwantedtogetanewapartmentforthemboth,tomethatshowsheiswillingtotryandmakethis
workbetweenthem.

“ButIwantedtoo.”Turningtofaceme,“Rhettreadyforhisfight?”

“Ithinkso;hesaidthathecouldwinwithhishandtiedbehindhisback.”Istartlaughing,“soI

thinkhewillwin,”Isay.

“Hewill;hekickedthecrapoutofme…”

Emmacutshimoff,“youwereoneofthenewbiesthatRhettpickedup?”Emmaasks.

“Yeah,andproudofit,Imeanhekickstheshitoutme,butwhenIgotthecallRhettwantedtofight

me,Iwaslikeakidinacandystore.”Mattlookssohappy,“Iwasshakingthewholetime,Rhetteven
cametothelockerroombeforethefightandtoldmetohavefun,”IlaughedandthenthrewupthatIwas
abouttofightTheRhettJohnson,”noddinghisheadatEmmaandme.

Webothstartlaughingathim,“Scarlett,thinksomeonewouldlikesomealonetimewithRhett.”

Emmalaughsevenharder,makingmelaughtoo.

“Shutup,”Mattsaysquickly,andIseeRhettwalkingovertous.

“HeyMatt,youwantustoleave?”Ilookathim,stilllaughing.

“Youlookhappy,Sweetheart,”givingmeakissheshakeshandswithMattandnodsatEmma.“So,

whatarewetalkingabout?”

“Nothing,”Mattanswers.

IlookoveratEmma,andbothofusburstoutlaughing,IknewthatRhettwashisidol,buttheway

Mattistalkinghewouldtakeabulletforhim,Ithinkit'ssweet.

“Whattimeyoufinishworktoday?”Rhettasks,aswefinallystoplaughing.

“Normaltime,wearebothinthekitchen,butthenI’mgoingbackhometohelpEmmapack.”Iturn

tofaceRhett,andIcanalreadyseethedisappointmentonhisface.

“Matt’scomingtoo,socomeover,”Emmatellshim.OkayIdidn’tknowMattwouldbethere

tonight,Ithoughtitwasgoingtobeagirl’snight,butitwillbenicethefourofusspendingtimetogether.

“Sure,meetyouhere.”Puttinghisarmaroundmyback,andstartsmakingacircleonmyshoulder

withhisfingers.“Friday,IhavetrainingandthenalotofpresssoIwon’tbebackuntillate,”Rhettsays
leaningforwardashisfoodisplacedinfrontofme.

“That’sfine;IsupposeEmmaandIcanhaveonemorenightbeforesheleavesme,”Istickmy

tongueoutather,“yougotadateforthefightwithZach?”Iask,andshiverrunsthroughmybodyjust
sayinghisname.

Rhettlooksatme;hefeltmeshivergivinghimasmile;Igetbacktomysandwich.Hisnamewill

alwaysbelikeaknifegoingthroughmybody,butIalsohopethatafterthisfightitwillbethelasttimeI
havetoseeorhearabouthim.

“NewYear'sDay,”Rhettsaysnotlookingatme,NewYear'sDay,thatsucks.MyfirstChristmas

withaboyfriendandI’mnotevengoingtoseehim.“BecauseIchangedthisfight,theysaidIdon’tgeta
sayinthatfight,”Rhettadds,Icanseehe’stryingtomakemefeelbetterabouthowshittythisis.

“Well…”Idon’tevenknowwhattosaytohimatthemoment,“let'sgetthisfightoverwithfirst,”I

saygivingEmmaaquicklookbeforeIgetbacktomyfood.

DoesitsuckthatRhettwon’tbehere?Yes.

IsthereanythingIcandoaboutit?No.

TherestoflunchwentbywithMattandRhetttalkingaboutfighting,andmeandEmmatalking

aboutLAandthethingsthatshewillhavetogosee.

WorkinginthekitchenhereandthereisalwayssomethingIliketodo,it’sdifferenttomyeveryday

changingsheets,cleaningthebathroom,sothisisnicetodo.

It’samazinghowmanypeoplecomeherethataren’tstayinghere,mostofthemarebusinessmenor

women,andthenyouhavethegueststhatarealreadyhere.

Onethingisforsure,workinginthekitchen,runninginandoutofthekitchensomanytimesIamso

muchmoretiredthannormal,Ihavetogiveittothekitchenstaffandwaiters,becauseonthey’reontheir
feetallday.

Rhettmetmeinthereceptionareaoncemyshiftwasfinished,andheadedhome.

***

“Coffee,”IwalkovertoRhettsittingonthecouch,IlookoveratEmma’sroomwherewecanhear

herandMattfightingoverthestuffshewantstotake.I’monEmma’sside,it’snotlikesheistaking
everythingintheapartment,shesaidthatshewantstotakeallherclothesandshoes,andfewofthebigger
thingsinherbedroomthatherparentshadgother.Takingasipofmycoffee,Iclosemyeyesfora
moment;Idon’tthinkI’mgoingtosayyestothekitchenshiftsoquicklynexttime.

“How’sthestorageunitgoing?”Rhettasks,hishandonmylegsrubbingthemupanddown.

“I’mleavingitwithNoah;Idon’twanttogothereagain.”Shakingmyhead,“itjustfeelswrong,

andIhaveeverythingthatIwanthereanyway.So,Noahcankeepwhathewants,thenselltherest.”I
drinksomemoreofmycoffee,“Noahsaidhewouldtakecareofitall,inhiswords‘it’smyturntodothe
hardwork’Isaidtohimit'sallhis.”Ileanmyheadonthecouch,asRhettlooksatme.

“Aslongasyouarehappy,”strokingmycheek,“that'sallIwant.”Leaninghisheadonthecouchso

thatwearefacingeachother,“Christmas…”

“Canwetalkaboutitafterthefightplease?”Istophimfinishingthatsentence,Istillhaven’tmade

upmymindaboutit,andifIdogo,IhavetospeaktoAmandafirst,toseewhatthechancesareofme
gettingtimeoff.

IlookatEmma’sdoorasitopens,givingherasmile.“Let’sgetpacking,”shesmilesback,andI

seeMattwalkoutbehindher.“Thebiggerstuffwearegoingtodrivedownandpickup,it'sonlytwo
things.”Shepointsinherroom,“alltheclothesarecomingwithme,”shesayswalkingbackintothe
room.

IlookoveratRhett,“thiswon’ttakelong,”givinghimakiss,thenfollowingEmmaintoherroom.I

standbyherbedwaitingforhertosaysomethingtome,butshedoesn’tsayanything,shewalkstoher
closetandstartsthrowingherclothesonthefloor.“Doyouwanttotalk?”Iask.

“He’sbeingadickalready,”shespinsaround,“ImeanallIwanttotakewithmeisclothesand

threethingsthatmomanddadgaveme.”Sheputherhandsonherhips,“buthesaidtheapartment’snot
bigenough,ifIcangetitinhere,I’msurethereit’sthesame.”Sheletsoutalongbreath.

“Howaboutwepackyourclothesandwhenyougetthere,youcanhavealookandseewhatspace

thereis,Ithinkyoutwojustneedtogetusedtotheideaoflivingtogether,”Ireplylookingoverather.

“YouandRhettseemfine.”

“Wearenotlivingtogether,Isleepoversomenights,”Ipointout.

“IthinkI’mmoreworriedaboutmovingtoLAthanlivingwithMatt,Ilovehim,andIthinkitwill

befine,”sittingonthebed,“It’snervesthat'sall.”

“Ithinkitis,Emyouwillbefinejustgiveitsometime.”Unzippingthesuitcase,Istartfoldingthe

clothes.

Itonlytookalittlewhiletogothroughherclothes;Ithinkittooklongerbecauseofthestoriesshe

kepttellingmeabouttheoutfitssheworeonnightsout.Ienjoyedlisteningtothestoriesthatshewas
telling,eventhoughIwasthereformostofthembutIdidn’twanttostopher.

***

WalkingouttojoinRhettandMatt,astheyfightoversomething,Ihearthewordsfight,asshole,and

dick.SittingonthearmchairnexttoRhett,thereissomethingwrongwithhim,butIcan’treallytellasI
can’tseehisface,butMatthassaidsomethingtohim.

“Youfinished?”Rhett’svoicecomesoutannoyed,whatthehelldidMattsaytohim.

“Yeah…”

“Good,wearegoingoutfordinner,”Rhettstandsupandwalksouttheapartment,IlookatMatt

raisingmyeyebrowsathim.

“I…Ijustsaidthathe’slettinghisfeelingforyougetintheway,and…”

“Youdick,”IlookatMatt;Emmahitshimacrossthehead.

Igetoffthecouch,grabbingmybag,“Seeyouatworktomorrow,”lookingbackatEmma.

NowRhett’sgoingtobeinamood,ishelosingfocus?MeandTerryhavebecomeclose,andI

thinkhewouldcometalktome.IlookatRhettleaningonthecar,talkingonthephone.

“It’sstartingtopissmeoff…WellistherenothingIcandotomakeitgofaster…”Rhettletsouta

deepbreathofannoyance,“fuckinginhell…WhenIgetback.”Shakinghishead,heturnsaround.

Bringingasmallsmiletomylips,“sowhichoneareyoumorepissedat,Mattorthephonecall?”Iwalk

overtohim.

Pullingmeinclosertohim,hislipscrashingintominetakingmebysurprise,Istarttofallback,

butRhettwrapshisarmaroundme,pullingmybodyintohis.Breakingawayfromme,leaninghis
foreheadonmine,“youhungry?”hewhispers.

“Foryou,”Rhettopensthedoortothecar,Ilookathim,“whodoIget,Rhettorthebeast?”AsIsit

inthecar,Ihearasmallmoanfromhim,makingmesmileasIgetexcitedaboutwhat'stocome.

LookingoveratRhettashestartsthecar,“youreadytoplay?”Thebeastitisthen,Ibitemybottom

lip,“takeyourpantiesoff,”Ilookathimsmilingatme,sothisisgoingtobethegametonight.

Playingwiththehemofmydress,slowlytakingmytimeIliftmydressup,liftingmyassoffthe

seat,andtakemypantiesoff,Rhettbringshishandovertomylegthentakesthemoffme,andputsthemin
hispocket;Iraisemyeyebrowsathim.

Theexcitementisrunningthroughmybody,feelingmyselfgettingwet,notknowingwhathewants

metodo,butIknowthatwhateverhesaystomeI’mgoingtodojustbecauseIamachingforit.AsIpull
mydressdown,Rhett’shandstopsmeandliftsitbackup.

“Spreadyourlegs,Sweetheart.”Hisvoicelowbutsoundssofuckingsexy.Takingmyrighthand,

heputsmytwofingersinhismouth,sucking,lickingthem.Whythehellisthatarousingme,hemoansas
letsmyhandgo.Igotomovethemdowntomypussy,butRhettshakeshishead,takingthestrapoffmy
shoulder.Stoppingatthelights,Rhettunbuckleshisbeltandleansoverandsucksonmynipple;Ifeelhis
teethdiggingintome,makingmemoanoutloud.Sittingbackup,unbucklinghisbelt.

“Putyourfingersinyourmouth,”Istartsuckingharder,“areyouwet,Sweetheart?”

“Yes,”Iwhisper.

“Youwanttotouchyourself?”

“Yes.”

“Putyourfingerin,”Ipushonefingerinusingmythumbtoteasemyclit,“Ohfuck;youhaveno

ideahowhardIamrightnow,”Ilookoverathim,asItakemyfingeroutandplaywithmyclit.

Movingmyhandupmybodytomymouth.Igotoputmyfingerinmymouth,“Idon’tthinkso

Sweetheart.”Hetakesmyhandandsucksonmyfingers,whichonlymakesmemoanlouder,Ilookoutthe
windownotingthatwearegettingclosertohishouse.“Youtastesoamazing,”lickingmyfingerbottomto
top.“howwouldyouliketocum,Sweetheart?”Ohfuck,thehungerinthatquestionhasjustmademy
pussythrobwithexcitement.

“Withyouinsideme,”IlookoutthecarastheRhettparksup,andbeforeIcanevenlookbackat

Rhett,he’sopeningmydoor,pullingmeoutandpickingmeup.Wrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaist,he
pushesmeagainstthedoor.

Hishandmovesdownmybody,“Ohfuck,you’resowetforme.”Grabbingmyass,Ifeelhim

walking,Ihearkeys,hekissesmehard.LettinggoofmyassIfeelmyfeetonthefloor,butRhettpullsme
closetohimasthedooropens,hepushesmeintothehouse,kickingthedoortoclose.Pullingmydress
overmyhead,thengrabbinghist-shirtfromthebackhepullsitoverhishead.Pickingmeupagain,he
rushesmeupthestairs.

Completelynakedonthebed,IwatchRhettundoinghisjeansbuttonandpullingthemdown.He

looksatmewithaboyishgrin,Isitupandtakehishardcockinmyhandpullingbackandforth,licking
thetip,Rhettmoans,hishandsgothroughmyhair,pushingmymouthfurtherdownhishardcock.Bobbing
myheadbackandforth.“Touchyourself,”IhearRhettsaythroughagroan.

Movingmyhandtomyclit,IstartrubbingmyselfasIsuckharderonRhett,“Ohfuck.”Rhett

shouts,thenholdsmyheadashehitsthebackofmythroat.

Pushingmebackonthebed,hegrabsmylegsandpullsmetotheendofthebed,puttingmylegson

hisshoulderswithoutwarninghepusheshardintome,“Rhett”Iscream.Idon’tthinkhecaresatthe
moment,ashepusheshardintome.

“Scarlett,pleasetellmeyourcumin?”Heasks.

“Yes,”Ishoutashegoeshard,fasterandmybodystartstoloseitselfastheorgasmrunsthrough

mybody.

Holdingmyhipsdown,Icanfeelhimready,andwithonelastpush,mynamecomesinawhisper.

Lookingdownatme,heletsmylegsfalltothebed.Hisfacechanges.

“What?”Iaskhim.

“Howthefuckdidyougetthese?”Hepointstothebruiseonmyhips,andIstartlaughing.

Shakingmyhead,“thesearefromthismorning'samazingfuckagainstthewall,”Istandupand

walktothebathroom.“Ibruiselikeapeach,remember,”IsayasIseehimleaningonthedoorframe
naked.Turningontheshower.

“Sorry.”

Ilookathim,“sorryforwhat?Ihadanamazingtimethismorningandwouldbemorethanhappy

doitagain.”Iopentheshowerdoor,“soamIhavingashoweralone?”Iwalkin.

“Someonehastocleanthissexybodyofyours,”Ifeelhimkissingmyneck.“Showerthenfood,”

grabbingthespongehestartswashingmybody.

IchoosetoleavetheconversationwithMattandhisphonecalltotheside,Imeanifitwas

somethingthathethinksIreallyneedtoknow,Itrustthathewilltellme.Atthemoment,Ijustwanttobe
lostintheworldofRhett.

Nothingcancomebetweenusatthemoment.

Everythingfeelsright.

Chapter17

Workhasbeensobusytoday;Ididn’tevengettohavelunchassoonasIsatdown,oneofthe

roomswouldcalldownforsomething.ItfeltlikeeveryroomIhadwantedroomservice,Imeanthe
weatherisamazing,therestaurantinthehotelhasanamazingview,whywouldyouwanttoeatinyour
room.Oneoftheroomshadameeting,withsixpeopleinthere.Imeanonebigheadbusinessmanisbad,
butsixisjustpunishment.Iwenttothatroommorethantwentytimes,andnotoncedidIgetathankyou.
NoteveneyecontactfromthemwhenIputthefoodtraysonthetable,theonlyplussidetothedickheads
wasthatfacttheyleftmeabigtipwhenIwenttogettheirlunchtrays.Bonus.

AndIknowwhatIambuyingwiththatbeautifulmoney,somethingverysexyforRhett,something

thathecanunwrapveryslowly.

Throwingmyuniforminthelocker,Ipullupmyshortstakemyhairdownheadout,walkingpast

Amanda’sofficeshewavesmein,IletDavewalkoutandthentakeaseatinfrontofher.

“Howiseverything,studying?”

“Good,Edishelpingme;hethinksthatIcouldbeabletotakemyexambeginningoftheyear,

March”Ismile.

“That’sgreatnews.So,happy…”tappingonherlaptop.“So,weareupdatingthesystemwith

employeeinformation,canyoubringinyourpassportandbankdetails,tomakesurewehaveeverything.”
Lookingupatmefromthescreen.

“Sure,Iwillbringeverythingtomorrowforyou.Isthateverything?”I

“Yes,seeyoutomorrow.”Iwalkoutasthenextemployeewalkin.

Walkingoutofthereceptionarea,IseeTerrywalkingovertome.“Scarlett,youcomingtothefight

Saturday?”

“Isupposeso,”hestartswalkingtotheexitwithme,“Rhetthasn’taskedbutIknowhewill,”I

smileathim.

“You’regoodforhimyouknow,andIpromisethathewilltalktoyou,”Terrygivesmeakisson

thecheek,“youmeansomuchtohim,neverseenhimsohappy.”

“Oh,”thatistheonlywordthatcomesoutmymouth,Imustsoundlikeanidiot.

“Seeyoutomorrow,”herubsmyarmandwalksaway.Ismileasthewarmfeelinginmystomach

hasamindofitsown.IknowwhatIwanttodo.

***

“So,mom,dad,”Isaylookingattheirgravestone,“todayisthedaythatIthinkI’mfinallygoingto

tellRhettIlovehim.”Justsayingthewordsoutloudhasmybodybreakingoutingoosebumps,the
excitementoffinallytellinghimhowIfeelistakingovermybody.“Iknowyou’rethinkingwhat’s
changed,andthetruthisIdon’tknow.IsmilewhenI’mwithhim,Ismilejustthinkingabouthim;I’m
smilingnowknowingI’mgoingtoseehim.”Crossingmylegs,Imoveclosertothegrave,“andmomyou
alwayssaidifyouhavesomethinginyourlifethatmakesyousmileinthemorningandsmilebeforeyou
gotobed,youshouldkeepthatthingclose.”Notabletostopsmilingnow.

“Well,Ithinkit’stimetogo.RhettknowswhattimeIfinishworkandhemightstartcallingme.I

willbebackonSundaytotellyouaboutRhett’sfight,”standingup,“loveyou.”Isaythenwalkaway.

IsmilethinkingabouthowtotellRhett;Icanmakehimsomenicedinner,Irememberhimlikingmy

stripteaseIdidinthehotel,orIcanjustsayit.I’veneversaiditbefore,havenoideawhatIshouldbe
doing.I’mbreakingoutinasweatnotsureifthatisexcitementornerves.

***

Openingthedoor,Ihearloudvoices,RhettisoneandtheotherCeCe,Ialreadyrollmyeyesatthe

factsheishere.Closingthedoorbehindmeslowly,notwantingtoletthemknowI’mhome.

“Rhett,youandIbothknowsheisjustatimepassforyou,sincewhendohaveonewoman?”CeCe

askshim.

“Fuckoff,youknowhowIfeelabouther,whenIgetbacktoEngland,wearegoingtocourt,and

youaresigningthepapers,”Rhetttellsher,hisvoiceisalittlelouderthannormal.

“ButyouandIbothknow…”IwalkupthesittingroomsoIcanseethem,CeCestandingrightupto

Rhettandhetakesastepback.“Ifyoujustgivemeachanceyouwillrememberhowgooditisbetween
us,”thenIseeherkisshim,Istandthereinshock,waitingforRhetttopushherback,butno,nothing.

Istandthere;IswearIcanhearmyheartbreaking.

TheshockofRhettnotstoppingthis.

“IfIhadagirlfriend,Iwouldbepushingthebitchkissingmeaway,”Islamthekeysonthetable.

“butthenagain,thebitchhasaspecialplaceinyourheart.”IlookatRhett,ashepushesCeCeawayfrom
him.

“Sweetheart…”

Iputmyhanduptostophimfromtalking.Idon’tknowwhatIwanttodo,runaway?Fighthim?

Hatehim?

Ilookathim,theworriedwrittenalloverhisface.ThelastbitofmoneyIhadIusedonafucking

Taxitocomehere.NotbreakingeyecontactwithRhett,Icanseetheguiltalloverhisface,theworryin
hiseyes,hisbodyissotensethatifacarhittinghim,hewouldn’tmove.

“I’mgoingtohaveabath,”Iwalkupthestairs.HoldingmytearsuntilIgetinthebathroom,I

won’tletCeCeseeorhearmecry.

“Sweetheart,scaleonetoten?”

“One-fucking-hundred,”Islamthedoorbehindme.Walkingtothebathroom,Istartfillingthetub

up,andmylegsgiveuptryingtoholdmeup,andthetearscome.IwasgoingtotellhimIlovehimtoday,
Ifinallyopenedthewholefuckingdoorforhim,andthisiswhathappens.

Yougethurt.

Youfeelpainlikenoother.

Youlooklikeanidiot.

Wipingmytears,thewatercomingfrommynose,Igetundressedandgetintothewater,andclose

myeyessothatthetearsagaincanescapeme.Ican’tbelievehedidn’tpushheraway,ImeanifIdidn’t
speakhowlongwouldtheyhavekissedfor?Wouldhehavesleptwithher?Justthethoughtofthatmakes
mecryevenmore.

Ihearthehandleonthedoor;IlockeditjustbecauseIcannotfacehim.Theimageofhimkissing

CeCeisverymuchstuckinmyhead.

“Sweetheart,shekissedme…yes,Ikissedher,butIknewitwasamistake.”Closingmyeyes,not

answeringhimifyouknewitwasamistakethenwhydidn’tyoustopit?“Yes,IknowIshouldhave
stoppedit,but…Idon’thaveareasontowhyIdidn’t,itwasastupid,stupidthingtodo.”

IthinkIhavetogetusedtotheideathatnomatterwhathappensbetweenRhettandme,CeCewill

alwaysbethere,andthereissomethingbetweenthemthatisstrongerthanwhathehasforme.

Ihearnothing,andinaway,I’mrelieved.Yes,hetoldmethathemadeamistake,andIcan

somehowfinditinmetopassthroughthat.Butheneedstochoosebetweenherorme,andaftertoday,I
don’tevenknowifIcanhavethatconversationwithhim.Afterhisfight,Iwillmakehimchoose.Whydo
Ihavesomuchfearinthathewillchooseher?

***

Finallybuildingmycourageuptogetoutofthebath,Igetdressed.Holdingthehandle,Itakea

deepbreathandopenit.

IlookatRhettpacingtheroom,hashebeenpacingtheroomthiswholetime,asIwalkintothe

roomRhettstopsandlooksatme,hiseyesred.Angrywithhimself?Beencrying?

IwalkpasthimandpickupmyHarryPotterbook,andturnaroundRhettstandinginfrontofme,an

inchbetweenus,notlookingathimIgotowalkaroundhim.

“Iamsorry,Iknowthatyouhatemerightnow.WhatIdidwassowrongonsomanydifferent

levels,butIloveyou,”Iwalkpasthimandleavethebedroom.

Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mdoing,allIknowisIcan’ttalktohimatthemoment,walkingstraight

tothekitchenIpourmyselfsomewine,whatamIdoing?Pickingtheglass,Iwalkdownstairstothe
basementandsitinthelittlelibrarythatRhettmadeforme.Placingthewineglassonthetable,Icurlup
intoaballandleanonmysideandstareatit.DoIwantadrink?Yes.ShouldIcallEdtotalk?Yes.

“Hello,”IhearEd,andthegirlsinthebackground,Ismilehearingthem.

“Areyoufreetotalk?”Iask,tryingveryhardtoholdmyselftogether.Ihearadoorcloseinthe

back.

“Yes.”

“I’msittingherestaringataglassofwine,andit’stakingeverythinginmybodynottodrinkit,”I

wipethesingletearescapingmyeye.

“Talktome,”Edsays,healwayssoundssocalmevenknowingthatIamabouttohavea

breakdown.

ItellEdwhathappenedwhenIgotbacktoRhett’shouse,thatIcan’ttalktohimorlookathim.

HowIfeelabouthisrelationshipwithCeCe,andhowI’mscaredthatifImakehimchoosehewill
chooseher.

“AAmeetingtomorrow,Iknowyou,Scarlett.Youhavewineinfrontofyousometimeandnever

touchit,andtonightisgoingtobeoneofthosenightsbecauseIknowyoudon’twanttolosethisbattle.”I
hearthedooropenupstairs,“Iknowthatyouarefeelinghorriblerightnow,butIalsoknowhowyoufeel
aboutRhett,youdon’tliketofightdon’tfightwithhim,hearhimoutthenhavetimetothinkaboutit.”Ed
stopstalking,andIfeelRhettbehindme,mybodyheatsuplikeanovenwhenhe’sclosetome.

“SeeyoutomorrowEd.”Endingthecall,IignoreRhettbehindmeandopenmybookuptoread.I

canfeelhiseyesintenselystaringatme,it'stakingallmywillpowernottolookathim,Iknowthe
momentIdoIwillforgivehimwithoutasecondthought.BecauseIdolovehim.That'swhatIhateatthe
moment,thatIlovehimandnowIcan’tevenlookathim.

Rhettsitsonthefootstoolinfrontofmychair,pullingmylegsdown,herestshisinbetweenand

eithersideonmine.“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tdrink,”

“IwillneverforgivemyselfifI’mthereasonyoudrinkagain,itkilledmewhenIfoundoutyou

lostyourselfbecauseofme,”Rhettlooksdownatthefloor,asIkeepmyeyesonmybook.

IknowIhavelostmyselfinRhett,Ican’thidethatanymoreandifwebrokeupitwouldkillme,

andIknowIhavetobestrongnowmorethanever.BecauseCeCeistheblackthatsurroundsus,andI
don’tseeRhettcomethroughthat,asmuchasIwanttohelphim,beghimtoopenuptome,hisdemons
areslowlyeatinghimupeveryday.

“IknowIfuckedup.Inabigway.ButyouhavetoknowthatitmeantnothingIloveyousomuch,”

takingmybookfromme,RhettcupsmyfacesothatIlookathim,andthat'swhenItakeinasharpbreath
asIseetearsleavehiseyes.“Youdon’tunderstandyouhaveallthepower,allthepowertocontrolme.”
Leaninghisforeheadonmine.

“Yet,youwon’ttalktome,butyoucantalktoher.”Icryoutinawhisper.Pushinghishandsaway

fromme,Istandupwipemytears,“justgivemesomespace,”Isaywalkingawayfromhimandupstairs.

StandingonthelandingIlookatRhett’sbedroomdoor,Icanfeelhimstaringatmefromthestairs,

andshakingmyheadIwalkovertotheoneofthesparerooms.

***

“Scarlett!Scarlett!”IwakeuptotheRhettshoutingmyname,runningintothebedroomIseeRhett

lookingforme.“Wherewereyou?Aretheyinthehouse?”Thefearcomingoutinhistonehasmescared.

“Nooneisinthehouse,”Itellhim,asheholdsmebehindhimasifhe’sprotectingmefrom

someone,Iknowthatnooneisinthehouse,butmybodyisshakingfromfear.

“Iwokeup,andyouweren’tinbed,Ithoughttheygotyou,”Rhettturnsaroundtofaceme,“Iwon’t

letthemhurtyou.”Cuppingmyface,hekissesme.

LyinginbedwithRhett,hefallsbackintoadeepsleep,andIspendtherestofthenightwatching

himsleep.

IwishhewouldtellmehowIwouldbehurt,eventhoughTerryhastoldbethatnoonewillhurt

me,seeingRhettlikethisisenoughtoscaretheshitoutofme.Hisnightmareonlyreallyhappensfortwo
reasons,one,abigfight,IsawthatwithZach,myribsstillrememberthat,andtwowheneverwehavea
fight.

Whathappenedtohim?

Chapter18

Saturday.

Rhettactedlikenothinghappenedthenightbefore.HekeptapologizingaboutCeCe,andafterthe

scarethathegavemeinthemiddleofthenight,ItoldhimitwasfineandthatIdon’twantherstepping
footinthishouseagain.IfIseeher,Iwillhither,andIdon’tcarewhathesaysaboutit.Rhettdidanswer
mebackwiththat,butIdon’tthinkhewilleverstopme.

IspentFridaynightwithEmma,herlastnightbeinginVegasandall.Shespentmostofthenight

crying;Icanunderstandwhysheis.ShehasneverleftVegas;thisisherhome,bornandraisedhereand
sheisabouttoleaveitandmovetoanewplace,Iwouldcry.

Wepromisedthatwewouldcalleveryotherday,evenifwewerebusyfiveminutesouttheday,

andwewillmeetupthroughouttheyearaswell.

Adamcalledmethismorning,remindingmethatheiscomingdowntoday,andhewantstohave

dinnertomorrownight.Ididn’ttellRhettthatthough,he'sstillfunnyabouthim.

NoahandPennystayedhomeforthisfight.Noahwantedtocome,butwithPennybeingpregnant

theydidwanttoriskanythinghappeningifthecrowdgottoomoody.AndIunderstandthat,soItoldthem
thatIwouldgoovertotheirstomorrowforlunch,Pennyhascalledmeenoughtimesaskingmetocome
over,butbeingbackatworkandEmmaleavingIjusthaven’thadtimetogoover.

EdcalledmeyesterdayandtodayjusttomakesurethatIhadn’tlostityet,hesaidhewasworried

thatI’mtakingtoomuchonandseemefalling.Ihadtoadmittherewasapartofmethatthoughtthesame
thingasEdifRhettdidn’topenuptomebeforegoingbacktoEnglandI’mgoingtohaveabreakdown,but
Ihavetofocusontoday.LikeEdtellsmeallthetimewhenItalktohim,alwaystakeitonedayatatime.

TerryandRhettaretalkingasIwalkovertothem,“ready?”TerryasksRhettwhogiveshimanod,

“weknowthatyou’regoingtowin,thisisafunfightforyou,butatleastgotoroundtwo.”Terrylaughs,
makingmesmile.

IleanmyheadonRhett’sshoulder,“sittinginmycornerthistime,Sweetheart?”Rhettasks,hislast

fightIsatwiththesupporters,thistimehewantsmesittinginthecornerwhereTerrywillbe.

“WhereelsewouldIbe,”Isaylookingupathim,“alwaysbyyourside,”IwhispertohimasI

strokemynamedownhisside.

“Alwaysbymyside.”Hewhispersinmyear,wrappinghisarmaroundmehepullsmearoundhim

sothatIstandbetweenhislegs.“Idon’tthinkI’vetoldyouhowbeautifulyoulooktoday,”hishandsare
onmywaist,movingupmytopjustalittle.“HowmuchIloveyou,howmuchyoumakemehotand
ready.”

Rhettmovesclosertomeashecontinues,“HowmuchIwanttotakeyouhome,soonasthefightis

oversoIcanplay,”hislipsbrushingovermine.“PlayuntilImakeyoucumoverandoveragain,”thelast

partcomesoutinawhispers,andmybodybreaksoutingoosebumps,Ifeelmyselfgettingwetforhim.

Ismileathim,“Iwouldstop,beforeyoupassgo,”lickinghislipsslowly,“becauseifyoupassgo,

youhavetofinish.”

“IfmyfightwasnotabouttostartIwould,butIcangetyouallhotandbothered,achingformeto

touchyou,lickyou,suckonyourhardnipples,Ithinktonightsomechampagnemightbeneeded.”Kissing
onmyneck,“IlovehowittastesasIlickitoffyou,”movingalongmyjawline,“champagneandyour
sweetjuicemissedtogetheristheperfectdrinkforme.”Pullingmeinforahardkiss,andIswearthat
mademecumjustalittle,Imoanintohismouthashepullsmecloser.Theheatinmybodygetshotter
makingmypantiesgetwetter.Oh,GodhowmuchIwanthimtopushmeupthewallandfuckmeright
now.

“RhettJohnson,let’sgo,”Terryshouts.Ismilelikeme,andRhettbothletoutanoise.

“Goodluck,”Igivehimakiss,asIgotowalkaway,Rhettgrabsmyhandandpullsmetowards

him,pullingmehardIhitintohischest,wrappinghisarmsaroundme.

“Iloveyou.”

***

Rhettwonthefight,inthesecondroundlikeTerrysaid,thiswasn’tlikehisfightwithZachthisone

youcouldtellwasforfun,morerelaxednotensionaroundthearena,evenIenjoyedwatchinghisfight,
andIhateseeingRhettgetit.Therewereafewshotswhichlandedonhim,butTerrysaiditwasRhett
beingnice.IcanseewhythefighterslookuptoRhett,Imeanhe'shadfoughtwithnewbies,justsothey
canseehowit'slikefightinginthebigleague,andthattobeissomethingspecialintheUFCcommunity.

Istandoutinthearenaforawhile,asRhettandTerrygobacktothelockerroomtotalktothe

press.IsawCeCesittingattheotherend;Ikeptmyselfcalm,butIwouldseehersmirkingatme.Oneday
sheisgoingtogetpunchedherintheface,justcountingthemdown.

Emma-YoustillcomingoverbeforeIgototheairport?

Scarlett-Yes,Iwillbetheresoonx

IseeTerrywalkoutofthelockerroomwhichmeansthepresshaveallleft,walkinginIstandthere

ragingwithanger.IseeRhettpushingCeCeawayfromhim.

“Atleastyoupushedherawaythistime.”IstandinthedoorwaystaringatRhett.Whyisthis

happening,whatdoesshehaveoverhim,thathecan’tsayfuckofftoher.

“Itoldhertoleave,”Rhettwalksovertome,“butshe…”

“Getout,”IshoutatCeCe.

Shewalkspastme,“hewon’teverleave,”hewhispers,butIheardher,andmyhandsturninto

fists.

TakinginalongdeepbreathIlookatRhett,“Ican’tdothisanymore,Rhett.Youhavetotellme

something.”Iwalkintothelockerroom.“Youhavetotellmesomething.”Ilookathimashelooksatme.
Icanalreadyseeitinhiseyesthathe’spleadingwithmenotaskagain,pleadingwithmenottopushthis
withhim.

“Scarlett,yourdemonsareyourdemons,mydemonsare…”

“ArewhatRhett,youthinkitwaseasyformetotellyouwhathappenedtome,youthinkitwas

easyformetolookatyouafterthat.”IstartshoutingathimbecauseIknowhe'snotgoingtotellme
anything.“Youthinkthatmydemons,arenothingcomparedyours,”IshoutmorethanIwantedtothen,
makingRhettlookatmeinshock,I’mshouting,I’mfightinghim.

“Scarlett,IneversaidthatyouknowIknowitwashardforyou,anditstillhauntsyounow,just

likeminedoes,IpromiseIwilltellyou.”

“When?Youhavebeensayingthatsinceyougotback,andallyou’vetoldmeisthatyouwon’tlie

tomeandyourdadisanevilperson.That’sit.”IwatchRhetttakingoffthetape.“IfIsaidtoyouright
now,meorCeCe,whowoulditbe?”Iask.

ThereisasilenceintheroomalotlongerthanIwanted,bitingmyinnercheekIshakemyhead,

“You’veansweredmyquestion,”Igotowalkoutofthelockerroom.

“Sweetheart,Ican’tkickherout.”HesaysasIwalktowardsthedoor.

“Andshewillneverletyouleave,”Istopandlookathim,“mybestfriendisabouttoleavewhenI

needherthemostrightnow.”Wipingthetearsaway,“Iknowyouloveme,maybeyoudon’tloveCeCe,
butforsomereason,shewillalwaysbenumberone.”Ileavethelockerroom,IwanttosayIwalkedbutI
didn’tIran,IrantomyapartmentbecauseIknowifIwalked,IwouldhavewalkedtotheclosestplaceI
couldgetadrink.

StandingoutsidemyapartmentIcalmmyselfasmuchasIcan,Ican’tletEmmaseemelikethis;

shewon’tgoIknowhertoowell.Mybodyisshaking,physicallyshaking.Ihavetotalktosomeone.

Openingthedoor,IseeEmmawithMatt,“you’rehere,wewerejustabouttoleave,”Emmawraps

herarmsaroundme.

“Sorry,Rhetthadtostayforpress,socamealone.I’mgoingtomissyou,”andIstartcrying,Ithink

it’smoreaboutRhettthanEmmaleaving.TheonemomentIneedherthemost,Ican’teventalktoher
becauseIknowshewon’tleave.

“IwillcallassoonasIgettotheapartment,youwillalwaysbemybestfriend.”ShesaysIcan

hearhercryingtoo.“Okay,Ibettergetgoingotherwise,Mattisgoingtodragme.”Shestartslaughing,
lookingathim.

“Don’thurther,”Igivehimakissonthecheek.

“Promise.IhopetoseeyouinLAsoon.”GivingmeasmilehetakesEmma’ssuitcases.

IturntoEmmalookingatme,“Don’tforgetI’myourmaidofhonorwhenyougetmarried,”she

smilesatmeasshewalksoutthedoor.

Thedoorcloses,andIdroptomyknees,mybodyshakingIfeelsick.Thetearsarerunningdown

myface,waterrunningdownmynose.Ihavetogetoutofhere;Ineedtobewithsomeone.Otherwise,I
willgotoinaplaceIknowIcan’tcomebackfrom.

Grabbingmykeys,Irunouttheapartmentandgotothehotel.Amandacanhelpme;Ineedsomeone

thatcancalmmedown.

***

Walkingintothehotel,Ican'tbelievehowRhettisbeingwithme;hecan'ttellmeanything.So

muchforIwilltalk.

"Scarlett,"Ihearmynameyelled,turningaroundIseeAdamwalkingovertome,"what'swrong?"

Adam’stoneisworrying.Herubsmyarm.

WipingmychecksIlookathim,"hewon'ttalk,"Isaynotabletolookathimyet.

“Ikeeptellingyouthatyouneedsomeonethatwillalwaysputyoufirst,Scarlett,”Adamgivesme

ahug."Comeon;wecantalkinmyroom.Moreprivate,"puttinghishandonmylowerbackIfollowhim
totheelevator.

IknowAdamismyfriendandisworriedbutRhettstillhateshim,andifhefoundoutIwastalking

tohimitwouldhurthimsomuch.TheonlythingthatIcanthinkaboutisthefacthedoesn’tcarehowI
feelaboutCeCesowhyshouldIcarehowhefeelsaboutAdam.

IknowCeCehassomekindofholdonhimwithsomething,blackmailmaybe,anditannoysmethat

hewon'ttellmewhowouldhurtme,he’sdreamingaboutsomeonehurtingmebutwon'ttellmeanything
aboutit.

"Ican'tgiveyouadrinksohowaboutsomewater?"Adamholdsabottletowardsme.

"Thankyou,"Iwalkingovertothewindowandlookattheview,allthedifferentcolorspreading

outthroughthestriplookssoniceatnight."Doyoueverwonder,ifyouaresobrokethatnoonecanever
fixyou?"Theteardropsfrommyeye.

“Everyonecanbefixediftheyhavetherightpersonnexttothem,"AdamstandsnexttomeIcan

feelhiseyeslookingatmeinquestion,"whathappened?"

“Somanythingsarehappeningtohim,andhewon'ttellmeanyofthem.Ijustdon'tknowifIcankeep

doingthiswithhim,"walkingovertothebedtositdownandAdamfollows.

"Maybehe'snottheonewhoisrightforyou,ifheismakingyoufeellikethistothepointwhere

youthinkaboutdrinkingmaybeyoushouldn’tbewithhim,"Adammovesclosertome,Icanfeel
somethingiswrongandmoveoverabit.IcanfeelintheairthatIshouldn'tbehere,IhavenoideawhyI

feelit,butIdo.Somethingisscreaminginmyheadtorun,butmybody,isstillshakingfromtherage
insideme,whatshouldIberunningfrom,RhettorAdam.

AllIknowisthatthisfeelingofrunningisneveragoodthing.

"Ishouldgetgoing,"Istandupbutgetpulledbackdownonthebed,Adam’sgripgettingtighter

aroundmyarm,"Adamyou'rehurtingme,"slappinghisarmasthepainofhishandishurtingalotmore
now,"Adam!"Ishout.

"YouandIbothknowhe'snotgoodforyou,andthatitismethatyoushouldbewith.”Pushingme

backonthebedheliesontopofme.Itrytopushhisfaceawayfrommeasitgetsclosergrabbingmy
armssoIcan’tmovethem,andthenIfeeltheburnonmycheek,aslapthathurtsomuch,"justgiveusa
try,Iwillneverdoanythingwhereyouhavetoquestionit.”

What?Youjustfuckinghitme.

Kneeinghimintheballs,Igetoffthebed,"Scarlett,"pushingmeagainstthewallandthenslapsme

again,"whyfightme?I'mstronger,"Ican'tholditinanymoreIpunchhiminthefacehard,hardenoughto
takeafewstepsbackfromme.Openingthedoor,Irunout,takingaquicklookovermyshouldertoseeif
Adamisfollowingme.Yes.

Irun,downthestairshearinghimshoutmyname,runScarlett,run.

Openingthedoor,tothefloor,IlookbehindmetoseeifIcanseehim.No.

IstopinthecorridorandseeifIcanseemyreflectionintheglass,"fuck,"acutlipandabruise

undermyeyes,lookingdownatmyarmgreatasIlookathowthebruiseisgettingworse.

WheredoIgo?

WithouteventhinkingaboutitIknockonthedoor,IlookatTerry"canIcomein?”Iask,taking

anotherlookaroundthecorridor,thenwalkintotheroom.

“Pleasetellmethiswasn'tRhett,”IfeelTerrystandingbehindmeasIkneeldownandopenthe

minifridgetogetavodkabottleout,staringatthebottleIsitdownonthecouch."Idon'tneedadrink;I
don'tneedadrink,"placingthebottleonthetableIlookupatTerry."Pleasedon'ttellRhettI'mhere,"
lyingdownasmybodystartstoshake.

Idon'tthinkmybodycantakemuchmoreIcanfeelthepanicovertakingit,Icanfeelmyselflosing

inaworldIfoughtsohardtogetoutof.

"WasthisRhett?"Terrysitsonthetableinfrontofme,"Scarlett,pleaselookatme."

"No,yes,"IlookatTerryasIpulltheelasticrepeatedly."Idon'tneedadrink,"Isayastheelectric

hitsmyskinthesharppainfadingasIpulloverandoveragain.

“You'remakingyourselfbleed,”Terrygrabsmyhandsinhis,“whodidthis?”

“Idon’tneedadrink;Idon’tneedadrink.”IrepeattoTerry,andIcan’tevenfocusonwhat's

happeningaroundme,pickinguptheminivodkabottle,“smellingitisnotdrinkingit,”Iopenthebottle,
andTerrytakesitfromme.Ihearaphone,lookingatTerryandhewalkstothebedroom.

“Whatthefuckdidyoudo?…Sheispanicking,shaking…Rhett.”

IrunouttheroombeforeTerrygetsoffthephone,andrundownthestairsIknownooneusesthem,

theelevatorsarealwaysthewaytogo.Irunacrossthereceptionarea,toAmanda’soffice,thankgod;she
isthereIcanseethelighton.

Maybeeveryoneisright,I’mawhorewhoisonlygoodforonenightstands,IalwaysknewthatI

wasnevergoodenoughtogetmyhappilyeverafter.Girlslikemedon’tdeservetobehappy,wearesex
toys,mentreatlikeshit,andthat’sallI’mgoodfor.

Openingthedoorthenclosingit,Iwalkaroundtheroomclosingtheblinds,“Scarlettwhatareyou

doing?”IhearAmandabehindme.

“Idon’tneedadrink;Idon’tneedadrink.”Isitonthecouchmylegsshakingoutofcontrol;Ilook

atAmandakneelinginfrontofme,“Ihaven’thadadrink,Ihaven’thadadrink,”Irepeattoher,whatis
happeningtome.

“It’sokaySweetheart,everythingwillbeokay,”heresoothingvoicehitsmyears.

“Idon’tneedadrink,”Isay,gettingupIpacetheroombackandforth.

“Ed,Ineedyoutocometothehotel…She’shavinganotherbreakdown…Yes,Istillhaveit…

Thankyou,”IhearAmandainthebackground.

IrememberthelasttimeIhadapaniclikethis,thedoctorgavemeaninjectiontogetmetosleep,

becauseIwaspanickingsomuchIcouldn’tsleep,andhegaveonetoAmandajustincaseIgotworse
again.

There’saknockonthedoor,andIlookatAmanda,andshelooksatme,“Ihaven’thadadrink,”

Myhandsshaking,“maybeifIhaveadrink…”

“Shhhhh,nooneiscominginhere,”shesaystomewalkingmeovertothecouchIsitdown.

Pullingmybandagain,Icanfeelthebloodaroundmywrists.

“Ican’tletyouin.”

“Pleasejustletmeseeher,Terrysaidshe…”

“Rhett,Iknowthatyouwouldn’thither,butmaybeinangeryou…”

“Iwouldneverhither,never.”IhearRhettshout,makingmejump.

“Wellsomeonehither,andatthemomenttheonlywordsI’mgettingfromheris,Idon’tneeda

drink.Sojustlethercalmdown,andyouwaithere.”Shetellshim.

Iwalkovertothelittlefridgeinherofficeandtakeoutsomeminibottles;thenIstartcrying.Ifeel

Amanda’sarmsaroundme.

“Idon’t…deserve…tobe...happy,”Isaythroughsobs.“Everyoneisright;I’monlygoodforone

thing…”

“Nowstop,youdodeservetobehappy,youdeservesomuchmorethananyone,”Amandaholds

metighter,asmybodycontinuestoshake.

Ican’tbelievethisishowmylifeisturningouttobe,maybefairytalesareallalie,theymakeyou

believeeverythingisperfectiftheshoefits,oriftheperfectPrincekissesyou,butnooneeverwrotethe
storyaboutwhathappens,afterall,that.

Ihearthedooropenandclosebehindme,andmybodytensesup,“It’sonlyEd,”Amanda

whispers.

“Whereisit?”Ihearhimbehindme,kneelingdowninfrontofme,“Scarlettjustalittlepinch,”he

holdsmyarmandinjectsme.Ifeelhimmovingmyhairawayfromme.Thenhishandmovestomyarm;I
knowthat'sgoingtobeabruiseIalsoknowthatmyfacelooksatworsethatitis.

Ifeelmyeyesgettingheavy.

Chapter19

Openingmyeyesslowly,myfacehurts.Ohshit.Isituprememberinglastnight.Icannotbelieve

Adamdidthistome.Rhettwasrightallalongabouthim,howcouldIbesostupid?Nomaneverjust
wantstobefriendswithme.ShakingmyheadIgetoutofbedIlookoutthewindow,thebruiseonmy
armslookreallybad.Oh,Godmyjob,Amandamustfuckinghatemerightnow.

AllthishappenedbecauseRhettdidn’ttellmeanything,IleftRhetttherebecausemyfearofhim

choosingCeCeovermehitmehard;itfeltlikebrickswerethrownatmystomach.

Standingbymydoor,alreadyknowingverywellthatNoahwillhavequestions,EdwillbethereI

feelsobad,Ilethimdown,Iletmyselfdown.

Openingthedoor,andthefirstfaceIseeisafaceIdon’twanttosee,walkingtothefrontdoorI

openitwideopen,“Getout,”ItellRhett.Helooksatmebutdoesn’tmove;IlookoveratTerrythenback
toRhett,“Iknowyouweren’thitthatfuckinghardlastnight,nowgetthefuckoutofmyapartment,”Isay,
myvoicestayingcalm.

“Sweet…”

“No…”Iputmyhandup,“ItoldyouthatIwouldnotputmyselfinplacetolosemyself,guess

what?”Myvoiceisstartingtoraise,“Ifuckinglostmyself,”Ishoutathim.

“Ifwecouldtalk…”

“Youwanttotalk;okaylet'stalk.WhyareyougivingCeCemoneyeverymonth?”Nothingfrom

Rhett,“Whoisgoingtohurtme?”Again,noreply.“WhyisCeCesoimportanttoyou?”Nothing,“What
areyourdemons?”IstareatRhettlookingatmelikeI’vegonemad,butIhaven’t,Ihavefinallywokenup
thathe'snevergoingtotellmeanything.“Youwanttotalk;theconversationwillbetheanswertothese
questions,ifnotgetout.”

Istandtherewaitingforhimtosaysomethingtome,butnohejuststaresatme,Ilookoverat

Terry,“gethimoutofhere,please.”IpleadwithTerry,hegivesmeasmallnodandstartspushingRhett
outofthedoor.

“WhenAdamcomesbacktoVegas,Iwillmakehimsuffer,sobad,”Rhettlooksatme,andIwant

tothrowup,howdoesheknowAdamdidthistome?Terrypusheshimoutthedoor,slammingthedoor
behindthemIholdmyhandstomyhead.

Takinginadeepbreath,IlookatNoah,PennyandEdlookingatme,“Ididn’tdrink,”Isay.Ineed

NoahtoknowthatIdidnotdrink,noalcoholtouchedmylips.

“Iknow,”Noahsays,andthat’sithegoesquietagain.

IlookoveratEd,“amIfired?”Iwhisper,almostbeggingthatI’mnotandIcangotowork

tomorrow.

“Youareonmedicalleave;Amandasaidyoucouldn'tcomebacktoworkuntilweboththinkyou

aremedicallyokaytogoback…”

“Iammedicallyfinetobeatwork.”Ifightback.

“No,webothagreedthatafterthetwoweeksweputyoubacktoworktoosoon,andthenRhett

cameback.Noahinthehospital,CeCe,Zach,andnowEmmaleaving.Somuchwashappeningallatonce
youdidn’tgetthechancetofindyourselfyet.”Leaningforwardfromthecouch,“soAmandaandIthink
thatafewmonthsawayfromwork,tofocusonyourself,andyourrelationshipwithRhett…”

“What?Afewmonths.”Ilookathim,begginghimtosayit'salie.

Hestandsupandwalksovertome.“WeboththinkthatuntilyoufixyourrelationshipwithRhett,

anduntilwearebothhappyandthinkyouareonehundredpercentbacktoyournormalself,youwillnot
gotowork.”Hefinishes,thenjoinsNoahonthecouch.

FixmyrelationshipwithRhett,atthismomentIdon’thaveone.“Rhettandme,untilhetalkstome,

thereisnorelationship,sothat'sfixed.AndIdidn'thaveadrinkyesterday,sothat’sfixed,”Noahlooksat
Edthenbackatme.

“No,Scarlettyouarenotfixed,andIwilltellyouwhy.WebothknowyouloveRhett,andyou

beingawayfromhimiskillingyou,anduntilyoutwotalktoeachother,wewillallbeworriedwhenyou
willbreakagain.Maybenexttimeyouhaveabreakdownyouwillhaveadrink,thenwhat?”Istandthere
insilenceasIhavenothingtosaybacktohimbecauseheisright,ittookeverythinginmeyesterdaynotto
pickupadrink.“Iknowthatatthemomentyoudon’twanttotalktoRhett.Hellwedon’twanttotalkto
Rhettbecauseit’sbecauseofhimwearestandingherenow,butthemanlovesyoumorethananymanI
knowcanlovesomeone,hewillbeknockingonthatdooreverydayuntilhegoesbackonSaturday.”Ed
stopstalking.

Istandtherethinkingaboutwhathejustsaidtome,yes,IloveRhett,yes,I’mlostwithouthim,but

ifhecan’ttalkthenIwon’ttalktohim.HehasuntilSaturdaytotellmesomething,andhispast,something
thatwillgivemeanswersmyquestions.

“WellI’mgoingtolockmyselfinmyroomwhenhecomes,youcantellhimthatIwillonlytalkif

hetalksfirst.Ifnot,thenshowhimthedoor.”Ilookbetweenthethreeofthemandtheynod.Thatisa
goodsigntheywillallbackmeup.“EdIneedmyjob,Ineedmoneyforfoodand…”IstopbeforeItell
Noahanythingelse.

“Yes,IknowAmanda,andIspoke,youwillstillgetsomemoneyfromwork,andasfarasyour

studyinggoes,Amandaisgoingtoseeifyoucandothemanagementcoursethroughthehotel,allyouhave
topayforistheGED.”EdlooksatmeandmyeyesgotoNoah.

“What?Whendidyoustartstudying?”NoahlooksatmethentoEd.

“Youhaven’ttoldhim?”Ishakemyhead,“whataboutthemoney?”Ishakemyheadagain.

“Whataboutthemoney?”Noahlooksatme,andmyeyesgotoPennythenbacktohim.

“Star,

tellmewhathasbeenhappeningthatyouhaven’ttoldme,”Noahlooksatme.

Myhandmovestomywrist,andlookdownwhenIseenoelasticband,butabigbandage.Oh,shit

IrememberIwaspullingthathardonityesterdayIbroketheskin,Irememberfeelingblood.Ican’t
believeIlostmyself.

“Okay,I’mdoingamanagementcourse,buttodothatIneedahighschooldiploma,andaswe

knowIdidn’tfinishhighschool,soI’malsoworkingongettingmyGEDwhichEdishelpingmewith…”

“Starthatisamazing,whydidn’tyoutellme?”Noahlookssoexcitedforme.

“Ididn’twanttodisappointyouifIfailed,plusit’sgoingtotakemeawhiletofinishthecourse,

EdhasmebookedformyfirstGEDexamsnextyear.”IpointtoEdandgivehimasmile.

“Iwouldn’tbedisappointedinyouStar,thatisthelastthingIwouldeverthinkofyou.Iwillhelp

witheverything;twoheadsarebetterthanone.”Hesmilesatme.

“TrustmeIthinkIwillneedit,it’salotharderthanIthought.”Ismileathim,butmysmilesoon

fadesnowIhavetotellhimaboutmymoney,“Noah,promiseyouwon’tgetmadatanyone,”Iknowhe's
goingtoloseitwithPennyandme,henodshishead.“No,saytheword.”

“Promise,Iwon’tgetmadatanyone,”helooksatEdandPennywhoisholdinghishand.

Oh,godthissohard.“Ihavenomoney,nothinginmyaccountandIusedallmysavingtoo.Edhas

paidformyGED,andonemonth'spaymentforthemanagementcourse.”Isayinonequicksentence,not
evenstoppingtobreath.

“Wherehasallyourmoneygone?”Heseemscalmthat’sagoodthing.Ihope.

“ItransferredallthemoneyintoPenny’saccounttopaythemedicalbillsthatyouwillget,and

beforeyoufightwithmeoverit,you'rekeepingit.”Ipointathim,“plusyouaremybabybrother,Iwill
alwayslookafteryou.”IlookatthefloorcountingdownuntilNoahlosesit.

“What!”Heshoutsatme.“Thereisnowaywearekeepingthatmoney,andwestillhavethemoney

yougavemethatmomanddadleftus…”

“Thatwasforahouse,”Iaddinbeforehecontinueshisspeech.

“Don’tStaryouaretakingthemoneyback,andthatistheendofthisconversation,”Noahslamshis

handonthetable,“DamnStar,howlonghaveyouhadnomoney?”

Istayquiet,andlookathim,“andyoujusttookthemoneyfromher?”heturnstoPenny,“Youknow

what,youdon’tknowStarshehasaway,tomakeyoutakethingswithoutevenknowingthatyouhave.”
Turningbacktome,hestandsupandwrapshisarmsaroundme.“Youdon’thavetolookafterme
anymore,I’mgood.It’stimetolookafteryourself.”Pullingmeaway,Noahwipesthetearsonmyface,“I
loveyou,andit’snowtimeyouputyoufirst,andletmego.”Noahwhispers.

“Webothknowthat'snevergoingtohappen,”Ismileathim.Nomatterwhathappensinmylife,the

onlythingIknow,Noahwillalwayscomefirst,andeveryonewillhavetogetusedtoit.

Noahstartslaughingtoo,“Iknow,”henodshisheadatme,“butnowIgettolookafteryou.”He

looksatPenny,“PennyandIaremovinginhere,foralittlebit.”Ilookathimandalreadyknownotto
fighthimonthis,buttobehonestI’mhappytohavethemhere,forsupport.Idon’tknowbeingbymyself
isthebestthingformerightnow,especiallyifRhettisgoingtobecomingback.

Isitdownonthearmchair,andleanbackasPennybringsmesomecoffee,“youshouldberesting,”

ItellherasItakethecoffeefromher.

Pennystartslaughing,“I’mfedupofsitting.”

IlookatEd;Icanstillseetheworriedlookonhisface,“Idon’twanttoknowaboutit.”Isay

beforeheevenasksaboutwhathappenedlastnight,asmymindplaysthroughwhathappened,howAdam
changedinaflashoflightwithme.Maybehedidn’tchange,andthisiswhathewaswaitingforallalong,
meandRhetttohaveafightwhereIdoubtmyrelationshipwithhim.“HowdoesRhettknowitwas
Adam?”

“RhettstayedattheHoteluntilAmandashowedhimtheCCTV,sawhimcominguptoyou,andhe

madeherfollowuptohisroom,andthenextthingweseeisyourunningouttheroom.Adamcheckedout
aboutfortyminutesafteryougotoutoftheroom,butAmandacalledthepolice,andnowthereisa
warrantforhisarrestwhenhesetsfootinVegas,”Edlooksathisphoneanddeclinesthecall.“Ihopethe
policegethimbeforeRhettdoes,hepunchedthewindowinAmanda’soffice;heisangry.Moreat
himself.”Edgetsuptoanswerhisphone.

Heshouldbemadathimself,hehadjustopenedhisfuckdoorofdemonsIwouldneverhaveleft,

orifhewouldjusttellCeCetofuckoffIwouldneverleave,butno,thatmanjustcannotopenupforme.

“Ithinkit’sbestfeelingittoday…shelookstired…”that'sbecauseIam,“Rhett,theonlywayshe

isgoingtotalktoyouisifyoutalktoher…No,Iwillpickherworkup…seeyouinabit.”Edlooksover
atmewithasmile.AllmyschoolworkisatRhett’shouse,andsomeofmyjournals,andthereisnoway
thatI’mgoingtheretopickeverythingup.“Iwillbebacklatertoseehowyouare.”Leaningdownhe
givesmeakissonthecheek,andleaves.

IlookatNoah,watchingmeveryclosely,sippingonmystrongcoffee,lettingthehotliquidrun

throughmybody.“Noah,pleasestopstaringatme,”Ilookathim.

“I’mnotstaring,I’mwondering.”

“Andwhatareyouwondering?”Iask.

“WhenwillRhettfinallyrealizethathewastheonethatmadeyouforgetalltheshitthathappened,

fixedthebrokenheart.Whenwillhefinallyrealizesthatyou'retheonlyonethatcanmakehimhappy,and
Iknowheknowsthatalready,he’smadeforyou,butwhenwillheknowthatheisonlystrongwhenhe’s
withyou?”

IlookatNoah,“WowNoah,deepspeech.”He’srightthoughRhettistheonethefixedmybroken

heart,andhe’stheonethatIfeelmostsafewithintheworld,butit'snotokaytochangemymindabout
beingwithhimuntilhetalkstome.

Finishingmycoffee,“goingtohaveashower,”Iwalkintomyroomtogeteverythingtogether,as

thedoorclosesIletoutthetearswhichIheldinsideme.Ididn’twanttobreakdowninfrontofeveryone,
butIfeelsomuchpainthatevenIcan’tcontrolanymore.ThebetrayalfromRhett,andwhatAdamdidto
me,Idon’tknowifIcangothroughalltheheartacheagain.

Chapter20

Ispentmostofthemorninginthebedroom,bylunchtimeNoahdraggedmeoutofmybedroom.I

canseethistimeNoahisn’tgoingtoletmestayinmybedroom,andfeelsorryformyselfandIneedthat,I
needsomeonetokeepmebusy.

“So,Eddroppedoffallyourschoolwork,whatareyouworkingonatthemoment?”Noahlooksat

thebooks,withasmileonhisface.MaybeIshouldhavetoldNoahfromthestart;helooksmoreproudof
methatRhettdidwhenItoldhim.

“Whendoyougobacktowork?”IlookathimasIfillmymugupwithsomecoffee,IwatchPenny

onthecouchreadingapregnancybook.

“Thedoctorclearsmeintwoweeks,sobackthen.So,school,whatareyouworkingonnext?”

“IhandedinmyHistorywork,soIdon’tknowScience,maybe?”Notlookingforwardtothat,

whenEdgavemethebooksnotonethingintheremadesensetome,Iswearit’swritteninanew
language,EdlaughedatmewhenIsaidthat,andhetoldmetowaituntilIstartalgebra,sonotlookingfor
tothateither.

Puttingasciencebookinfrontofme,“getreading,”hesmilesatme,andIlaughathim.Hesounds

likeme,whenhewasatschool,Iusedtopushhimsohardmakingsure,hewasreadingthebooks,“Iwill
makesomefood.”Walkingaroundthecounterkissingmyheadhegetsstartedonmakingfood.

Pickingthebookup,IsitnexttoPenny.“I’msorrythatNoahgotmadatyouyesterday,”Ilookat

her,“Ireallywasn’tgoingtotellhim.”

“No,I’msorry.Ishouldneverhavetakenthemoneyfromyou,andyouknowsomething.Iusedto

hatethatIwasnumbertwoinNoah’slife,butnowIseewhythatis.AndI’mhappywithit,aslongasyou
areinhislifenothingcantouchyoutwo.”Wrappingherarmsaroundme,“Noahalsosaidhe'syouronly
family,soI’maskingcanIjointhefamily?”Shepullsawayandsmilesatme.

“Welcometothefamily,”Ismileasshegivesmeahugagain.ThefirstpersonIhaveletintothe

familythatI’vecalledfamily.

“Idon’tseemuchreadinghappening,”Noahyellsfromthekitchen,lookingoverathimIlaugh

again,andwavemybookathim.Openingthepage,Igetreadingbeforemylittlebrothershoutsatme
again.

Wespenttheafternoonworkingthroughmyscienceworkbook,Noahhelpedmeoutsomuchand

explainedeverythingtome.ItmakesalittlemoresensethanitdidwhenIreaditbut,Iwanttoreread
everythingagain,withNoah’snotes,justtomakesureIknowwhatIamdoing.

Theknockonthedoormakesmejump,andIlookatNoah,puttinghishanduptome,tellingmenot

topanic,helooksthroughthekeyhole.Openingthedoor.“MissParker?”Thewomenasksforme.Noah
pointstome,“theseareforyou,”shehandsthemtoNoahasIstaywhereIam.

Noahhandsthecardfromtheroses.

Iamsendingyouorangerosestoshowyoumygratitude,

Thankyou,formakingmesmileeveryday,evenwhenIamnotwithyou,justthinkingaboutyou

makesmesmile.

Iamsendingyoupinkrosestoshowyou,mylove,

LikeWilliamShakespearesaid,‘thecourseoftruelove

neverdidrunsmooth.”

IamsendingyouredrosesbecauseIloveyou.

Theworldisfullofromance,andsurprisesbutthatmeansnothingtomeifyouarenotbymyside.

Ilookattheroses,thenattheboxinNoah’shand.Puttingthecarddown,IseePennypickitupbut

leavehertoit,asNoahhandsmethecardfromthebox.

Ibroughtyouthesejournals,thesameasyourmother’s;Ihopethatthesewillbringasmiletoyour

lips.

Openingthebox,it’sfullofthesamejournalsthatmymotherused,theycosttoomuchformetobuy

allthetime,soIgotacheaperversionofthem,IremembertellingRhettaboutit.Butifhethinksthat
gettingmegiftswillmakemeforgeteverythingthathappenedheisverywrong.

Hetalks,andthatistheonlywayIamwillingtoconsidergivinghimanotherchance.Iwantanswersto

myquestions.

Ilookatmyphoneringing,Emma.“Abouttimeyoucallme,livinginsunshineLAyouforgotme

already?’Iask,laughingather,closingthedoorbehindmeIlieonthebed.

“No,don’tbestupid.Iwantedtogetunpacked,soyouhavesomethingtotellme?”Sheasks,and

eventhoughsheisontheotherendofthephone,Icanseeherwithherhandonherhip.

ItellEmmaabouteverythingthathappenedattheendofthefight,thenwithAdamandnow.Itell

herthatI’mfine,Noahishelpingmewithmystudiesandtheyhavemovedinforawhileuntileveryone
givesmetheallclear,andI’mnotgoingtohaveabreakdown,whichmadeusbothlaugh.Edhasbeen
overandcallseveryotherhourjusttoseeifIhavegotmyassoutofbed.IpromisedEmmaonethingthat
Iwon’tfalllikeIdidlasttime,Ican’tgothereagain.

“Iswearifyoufall,I’mcomingbackjusttokickyourass,”Istartlaughingather,“Imeanit.”She

shoutsdownthephone.

“Iknowyoudo,sohowiseverything?”Iask.

“Mattwantstotakemeoutfordinnertonight,andthenthisweekendwearehavingapartyatthe

apartmentsoIcangettoknowhisfriends,”shedoesn’tsoundthatexcitedabouttheparty.

“Theyalreadyseemtohateme,andtheydon’tevenknowme.”

“GivethemtimeEm;Ibettheywillloveyoubytheweekend,”Ireply,IknowEmmacanbeabit,

speakswhat’sonhermindkindofgirlandonedaysheisgoingmeethermatch,butshealwaysmeans
well.

“Iwill;Ihavetogetgoingmeetingwiththenewmanager.”

“Areyourollingyoureyes?”Iaskinglaughing.

“Shutup,”bitingbackatme,“callmetomorrow.”

“Iwillcallyoutomorrow,”Isaythenendthecall.Lookingattheceiling,Ithinkifgoingtosee

Emmanextweekendwouldbeagoodidea.BeingawayfromVegaswhereallIthinkaboutisRhett,and
hegoesbackontheweekendtoEngland,andthatwon’tbeagoodtimeforme,butthenagain,Idon’tsee
NoahandEdlettingmegoanywherethatweekend.IshakemyheadasIthinkIhavetwoprotective
brothers.

Therestoftheafternoonspentinmyroomreadingmostly,Noahcameinafewtimesjusttosee

whatIwasdoing,wantingtoknowwhichpartofmom’sjournalIwasreading.Noaheventoldmethathe
haspaidforanextramonthofthestorageunitasitdidn’tfeelrightclearingitoutwithoutmewithhim.
Therewasapartofmethatwasalittleupsetwithit;Imadeachoicetoempty,andthattookmealong
timetogettothatdecision,butthentherewasthatpartwhichwassohappyIdidn’thavetopartwithmy
parent’sstuffjustyet.

“Noah,”Pennyshoutsfromtheotherroom,“someoneishere,”justhearinghertoneIknowit'sonly

onepersonatthedoor.

Shakingmyheadathim,Noahkissesmycheekandleavesmyroomclosingthedoorbehindhim.

“HeyRhett,Starsaidifyou'reheretoanswerquestionsshewilltalk,butifnotthenleave.”Noah’stone
comesouteven;he’snotannoyedwithRhett,buthe’snottakinghissideeither.

“CanIatleastseeifshewilltalktome?”Nowthat'satoneofamanwhoishurting.

Idon’thearNoahsayanythingback,notsurewhatishappeningoutthere,gettingoffthebedIwalk

overtothedoortoseeifIcanhearanything.

“Sweetheart…ifyoucouldopenthedoor…maybewecantalk…Imissyou,”hiswordscomeout

inawhisper.Istayquiet;NoahhastoldhimtheonlywayIwilltalktohimisifhetalkstomefirst,Ican’t
backdownfromthatifIdoitwillallhappenagaintome.StaystrongScarlett.

“Rhett,shedoesn’twanttotalk,Iwouldlikeyoutoleavenow.”IhearNoahtellhim.

Istandthereprayingthatherefusestoleave,andthenextwordsIhearare‘mydemonsare,’please

talktome.AllIhearisthedoorclosing,closingmyeyesIshakemyhead.Themoreheholdshisdemons
fromme,themoreIwonderwhatthehellhappenedtohim.Hisdadabusedhim,andhekeepssayingthat's
notit,Imeanhekilledhisowndadthatshouldbeenoughtohauntanyone,butagainhesaidthat'snotit.
Whatcanitbe?

IopenthedoorandjoinNoahandPennyonthecouch,theybothlookatme,keepingmyeyesonthe

TVnotwantingtotalkaboutthemanIlovecan’teventalktomeabouthisdemons,buttheireyesburning
myskinisstartingtohurtmenow.

“What?”Iaskthemboth.

“Nothing,”Pennysays.

“It’sjustifyouopenedthedoor,hemighttalk,”Noahrepliesinthequietestwhisper.

“NoifIopenthatdoorbeforehetellsmesomethingIknoweverythingwillgobacktothewayit

was,I’mstayingstrongnowjustsohewilltalk.”Leaningbackintothecouch,“healsoknowsthat,hehas
thisweektotalk,thenhegoesbacktoEngland,andthistimeIwilltellTerrytokeephimawayfromme.”
Yes,Isaiditoutloud,ifhedoesn’ttalk,Iamdone.

“Youdon’tmeanthat,”Noahsayswrappinghisarmaroundme.

He’sright,Idon'tmeanthat,butIhavetotryatleasttomeanit.HowlongwillitbebeforeIdo

takeadrinkbecausehisdemonsareaffectingus?OrhowlongwillitbebeforeCeCefinallypushesthe
buttononthepointIgoofflikeabomb?ThatdaywillcomeIknowit,Rhettknowsit,andmyfriends
knowit.So,IhavetostaystrongrightnowandmakehimtalktobebeforeIeventhinkaboutwhatwill
happenwithRhettandme.

Chapter21

It’samazinghowfastaweekcangowhenyou’rewaitingforsomethingtohappen,Rhettleavesto

gotoEnglandtomorrow,andstillhehasn’tspoketome,he’sbeenovereverydayknockingonmydoor
askingmetoopenit,butIstayedstronganddidn’t.NoahkepttellinghimthattheonlywayIwasgoingto
openitwasifhespoketome,butstillnothing.Yes,IwilladmitthatIcriedeverytimeIheardthedoor
closebecauseheleftmeagain.Istillhadtoday,maybehekeptthinkingIwouldgiveinandtodaywasthe
day.

Terrycalledmelastnightandwassohappythathedidn’ttalkaboutRhett,hewantedtoseehowI

wasandifthebruisesonmyfacehurtornot.Ikepttellinghimtheydidn’t,butTerrywasn’treallybuying
whatIwassaying.Itdidhurt,buttodaytheyweresomuchbetter,theywerefading,andIcouldn’teven
feelthepainanymore.TerrydidtellmethatRhettdoesn’tknowhecalledme,Ididn’tsayanythingback
tohimaboutit.WhatwasImeanttosaytothat?Terrykepttryingtosaysomethingtomebutstopped
beforehedidandI’mhappyaboutthat.IcareforTerry,andIwouldhatetoberudetohim.Iknowthat
Rhettislikeasontohim,andwantstoseehimhappy.

Ireadthroughthesciencebookagainthismorning,butmyheadwasnotinit,soIjustleftit,Noah

wasn’thappyaboutit,butIpromisedhimIwouldreadmorelaterinthedayandtonighthecanquizmeon
it.Thesmileonhisfacemademelaughsohard;hecanfinallygethispaybackonthetimesImadehim
work,andIquizzedhim.Pennyspentmostofthemorningonlineshoppingandlookingatbabynames,she
askedifIhadanyideas,andItoldherthetruth,Ihavenotthoughtaboutit,becauseIdidn’tthinkthey
wouldcarewhatIthought,butIwaswrong,theywanttoknow.

Sittingonthefloorinmyroom,Ireadthroughmymom’sjournal.Therewasn’tanythingin

particularthatIwantedtoread,justwantedtoknowwhatshehadbeenuptointhatpartofherlife,it
makesmefeelclosertoher.Justreadingabouthertimewithmydad,evenbeforetheygotmarriedher
collegedaysarealwaysagoodreadforme.

Ihearasoftknockonmybedroomdoor,knowingthatit’sRhett’sontheothersideofthedoorI

staywhereIam.It’ssoquiethe'snottalking,nooneistalking.ThenIhearit,themusic,mychesttightens
knowingwhathe’sdoing,talkingtomethroughmusiclikehedidinthecarcomingbackfromNoah’s
graduation.JordonSparks-NoAir.Holdingontomytears,themusicplays,andthewordscomethrough
mydoor,andallIcanthinkisthatthewordsinthissongarethesamewayIfeelrightnow.

MyworldhasnoairbecauseRhettisnotwithme.

Hecanmakemeunderstand,allhehastodoistalktome,nothingbuttalk.Wipingthetears,finding

awaytogetairintomylungsbecauseIknowthatRhettfeelsthesamewayaboutmerightnow.Oneline
isaskingmehowtolivewithoutyou;that'saquestionhehastolearnhimselfthesamewayIhavetoo.

Asthesongcomestoanend,Ilookthroughmyphoneforasongtoreplybackwith.NoDoubt-

Don’tSpeak.

Thesongstarts,leaningmyheadonthebedasthewordsflowthroughtheroom.Thereisnotmuch

thatIcansayaboutthissongbecauseitdoesallthetalkingforme.Asthesongcomestoanend,thereis
silence.

Thenmusic,BackstreetBoys-Don’tLeaveMe.Youwillgocrazy;I’malreadythereRhett.The

firstlinehitsmethehardest,yeahIhaveaproblem,butyouknowallmine,andyesyouhaveyours,but
you’renottellingmethem.Don’tleaveRhett;thereisonlyonepersonmakingmeleave,andthat’syou.
HowcanImakehimrealizethatIdon’twanttoleave?He’snotmakingiteasyforhimselforme.

Istartlookingthroughmymusicagainandhitplay.JustLikeaPill-Pink.Ialwaysknewthat

Rhettwasadrugforme,onethatIneedaroundmeallthetime,butnowthatdrugiscausingmesomuch
pain.Yes,Rhetttookmeonahighofallamazingthingsbutnowhe’stakingmedownabadtripthatI
can’tbeon.Insteadofmakingmebetter,beinggoodforme,heismakingmeill,likeadruggonewrong,
anditkillsmetosaythat.

BeforePinkfinishes,Ialreadyhearmusiccomingthroughthedoor.MusicI’mnotsurewhatitis,

thisisanewsongtome.Thevoicesoundsfamiliar,though,BryanAdams-PleaseForgiveMe.Ilistento
thesongcarefullyputtingthemeaningbehindit.FormeIwouldsaythesongmeans,Rhettisdeeplyin
lovewithme,andIameverythingtohim,hislife.ThemorethesongplaysIcanfeelhispainaskingmeto
forgive,tellingmethathewillalwaysbethereformebecauseIamtheonlywomenhewilllove.

Thesongcomestoanend,andIwipemytearsasIthinkofwhatI’mgoingtoplaynextforhim.I

don’tknowwhattoplay;Ihearvoicesfromoutside.“Please,Noahafewmoreminutes,”IhearRhett
says.

IstopatasongthatIthinkwillworkbestforme.AliciaKeys-TrySleepingwithaBrokenHeart.

ThisistheonlysongIcanthinkofthatcanexplainthestrugglesIamgoingthroughrightnow.He

needstoknowthatnotbeingwithhim,iskillingmerightnowtoo.It'stheworsefeelingintheworld,the
sleeplessnights,ofhimnotlyingnexttome.IfeellikeI’mdrowninginanendlessseaofemotionsand
thatnoonecansaveme.ThisistheonlysongthatcantellhimthatheneedstoleavemesoIcanheal
myselfbeforeIdofinallyloseeverythingaroundme.

Again,beforethesongcomestoanendRhettplayshis,andthefirsttwosecondspullstringsinmy

chest.No,notthissong.BoyzIIMen-OnBendedKnee.Usingmycardigansleeves,Iwipethetears
whichhavealreadyfallen.

ThissongjustsayseverythingabouthowRhettmustbefeelingrightnow;heispullingeverything

hehastosaysorry.SlowlygettingupIwalktothedoor,holdingthehandle.It’stakingeverythingIhave
insidemenottoopenthedoor;Ineedhimtotellmesomethingnotsaysorry.Ireadoneofmymother’s
journals,andshewrotethatboyssaysorryandmenmakeitright,that’swhatIneedrightnow,makeit
right,Rhett.

Leaningmyheadonthedoorasthesongfinishes,Ihavetostopthis,Ican’treplytohim.Ineed

himtostoptalkingthroughmusicIneedhimtotalk,usehisnowwords.

“Rhett,”IhearTerry’svoice.

“Giveherasecond,Iknowshewillreply,”IhearRhett,hisheadmustbeleaningonthedoortoo.I

don’treplyIstandtherewaiting,beggingforhimtotalktome.

“Shewantsananswer,notanapology,”Noahtellshim.

“Rhett,she’snotgoingtoreply,”Terrysays.

“Fivemoreminutes,please,”Rhettbegs,andIdon’thearareply.

Twentyminutesandtherewasnothing,nonoise;thenIhearthedooropen,andclose.Theonly

soundIthinkIcanhearistheoneofmyheartbreakingagain.

“Star,it’ssafetocomeout.”Noahknocksonthedoor,slowlyopeningthedoor.Noahpullsmein

forahug,“Comeon;wewillorderfoodandwatchcheesymovies,”pullingmeawayfromhim.“Star,
youhavetonighttomakeachoiceheleavestomorrow,”Noahlooksatme,hiseyesnotleavingmine,it’s
almostasifhe’sbeggingmetotalktohim.

IlookoveratPenny,who’swipinghercheek,“Scarlett,thatmanlookssobroken,”shesays

throughsobs.

“Thesongssetheroff,damnithadmenearlycrying,Terrylookedjustashurt,andRhettwellhe

looksamess.”Noahwalkswithmetothesittingroom.

“ButIdon’twant‘I’msorry’Iwanthimtotellmesomething.Anything.”Iflopmyselfonthe

couch,“AllIwantisforhimtosay,CeCeisinmylifebecauseorIgivehermoneybecauseofmy
demonsare…anything,andIwillbebackwithhim,andthethingthathurtsthemostisheknowsthat’sall
Iwant…andyethewon’ttellme.”Istareoutthewindowthinkingaboutwhatisgoingthroughhishead
rightnow.He’sonlygottodaytomakethisrightbecauseifhegoesbacktoEnglandwithouttalkingtome,
thereisnowayIcanlethimbackintomylifesothathecanplaywithmyheartalloveragain.

Theeveningwasokay,NoahandPennylookedliketheywereonedge,tosayanythingtome,I

meanIwastooscaredtotalkaboutanything,scareditwasgoingtomakemecryandjustbreakdown.I
keptlookingoveratthedoorhopingIwouldhearaknockatthedoor,butnothing.

***

Sittingonthefloorinmyroom,lookingthroughmymom’sjournalswaitingtoseeifIcanhelpease

thepaingoingthroughmychest,knowingverywellthatRhettisleavingtoday.Idon’tknowwhenhis
flightis,soforallIknowhe’salreadyintheair.Leaningmyheadbackonthebed,Iclosemyeyes,anda
tearfallsdownmyface,that’sallthereisIcandonow.

“Noah,Ileavetoday,thisismylastchance,”Ihearfootstepscomingclosertomyroom.Not

turningaroundthedooropens,thenIseehiminfrontofme.Haven’tseenhiminaweekandGod,howI
havemissedlookingathim,sittingdowninfrontofmeheleansonthewall.

Foramoment,wesitthereinsilence,eventhesilencebetweenusissayingsomuchmorethanI

thoughtitwould.Hiseyesareburningmyskinwiththeheatcomingfromthem,hisbodytenselikehe’s
stoppinghimselffromtouchingme,takingmyeyesuphisbodytheystopathiseyes,they’renotleaving
me.

Closingmymom’sjournal,IplaceitonthefloorandwaittohearwhatRhetthastosaytome.

Pleasetellmesomething.

“IleavetogobackEngland,butIhadtocomeseeyou,”Rhettshiftsclosertome,“Iknowthat

thingshavenotbeenthebest,butIloveyou,andyouknowthatIalwayswill.”Takingsomeenvelopes
fromhispocketheputsthemonthefloor,“Igotyouatickettocomewithme,butIalsoknowyouwell
enoughtoknowthatyouwillfightwithyourselfabouteverything,soIgotthree.OnefortodaywhichI
prayyouwillbethere,onefortwoday’stimeandthelastforFriday,”Rhettstopsandwatchesmenot
takingmyeyesoffhim.

ThreeticketstomakesureIcomebackwithhim,Rhettrubshisforehead,thenlooksbackupatme,

“youcometoEngland,IwillnotonlytellyoumydemonsIwillshowyoumydemons,”thelastpartcame
outinawhisper,averysoftwhisper.“Ican’tloseyou,Sweetheart,youaremyworld.”movingcloserto
me,hishandsonmylegs.

Hisfingersmakemybodyshiverliketheyalwaysdo,thereisnothingmoreIwantbuthimtotouch

me.Ithinkforamomentaboutwhathe’ssayingtome;healsosaidhewouldtalkthistime,andsofar,he
hasn’tsaidanythingtomeaboutanything.

“Youhavetotellmesomething,Rhett.”Placingmyhandsontopofhis,“yousaidyouwouldtalk

butnothingthiswholetime,IcometoEnglandhopingyouwilltalkandIgetthefeelingagainyouwon’t
talk,andthisisgoingtobethegame.”Ilookathimasheputshisheaddown,Igetthefeelingthathewas
goingtogetmethereandalwaysfindawaynottotalktomeagain.

Cuppingmyface,leaninghisforeheadonmine,hislipssoftlybrushmine,andittakesallmy

willpowernottoleaninforhimtokissme,everylittlebitofmybodywantstotouchbyhim.

“Tellmesomething,”IpleadwithRhett.

Movingbackfromme,heleansonthewallagainandwatchesme.“IfItellyousomething,willyou

cometoEngland?”Hisquestionhassomuchhopebehindit.

“Idon’tknow,Rhett.”I’mnotlyingtohim;Idon’tknowwhatIwilldo,“IfIdon’tcometo

England,youhavetopromisemethatwhenyoucomeback,youwon’tcomeforme.”Ilookathim,and
thehurtofmystatementisalloverhisface.“Ilostmyself;Ilostmyselfbecauseofyou.Youpromisedyou
wouldtalk,butyouhaven’t,ItoldyouthatifyouhadtochooseyouwouldchooseCeCe,andnotoncedid
yousayIwaswrong,”IgoquietlyasIwatchhimfightingwithhimself,“Ihavetothinkaboutmyself.”I
saysoftly.

Rhettlickshislipsandstaysquietforalongtime,andIjustwatchhim,Icanseehewantstosay

somethingtomeandthinkingaboutwhatheshouldsay.

“If…ifyoudon’tcomethen…Ipromisenottocontactyou,”takinginasharpbreathasthewords

leavehim,andIseethetearfalldownhischeek.

Iwipemyowntearonmyfaceandwatchhimagainasheshiftsonthefloor.“Mydad…mydad

rapedCeCe,everythingelseIwilltellyouwhenyoucometoEngland,God,ScarlettIwillshowyou,”
he’scrying,thetearsforfearIwillnevercometohimagain.

Theshockofwhathejusttoldmehitsme,he'stoldmesomething,doesthathavetodowithwho

wouldhurtme,orwhyhewakesupinfearmostnights?

IstaywhereIam,andseeRhettkneelinfrontofme,“Sweetheart,Iwillwaitforyou.”Kissingmy

forehead,“Findthecouragetofightforus,findthecouragetoloveme.”

Withthat,Rhettleavesmyroom,andIlookattheticketandthinkaboutwhatIwanttodo.

Document Outline

Contents
Title Page
Author Name
Disclamier
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21

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