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Copyright © 2005 Unica Design Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
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A Message from the Author
First of all, I want to thank you for picking up this book! Making an investment
in your own sexual potential is GUARANTEED to improve the sex life of both
yourself and your partner. Most women make the mistake of learning everything
they can about how to make the sexual experience better for a man without
focusing on how they can make it better for themselves. But I’ll let you in on a
secret: nothing pleases a man better than when you come.
Men want to give you the most amazing orgasm
you’ve ever had. In fact, many men judge their
skill as a lover by how many times they can make
their partner come. Which is great news for you: it
means that you can make your sexual partner happy
by focusing on your own pleasure, learning what
pleases you, and expanding your erotic possibilities.
Yeah, he’ll be happy if you study how to give him
the best blowjob he’s ever had, but he’ll be happier
if he can boast that he made his partner come twenty
times in a night.
Now, I don’t expect you or anyone for that matter
to be able to come that many times in one sex
session! To have a great sex life, you don’t have to
be multiorgasmic or have simultaneous orgasms.
You don’t even have to come every time you have
sex. A great sex life is one in which both partners
are happy and fulfilled with the frequency, quality,
and experience of sex.
To get to the point where you can guide your man
to do exactly what he needs to do to make you
come every time, you need to understand a bit more
about your own sexual response. In this book, I’ll
explain some of the biology of the orgasm, why it’s
sooo good for your health, and some of the factors
that influence your sexual response. Here’s a quick
preview of what’s ahead ... how much do you trust
your sexual partner? This could be affecting your sex
life! Why is physical touch so important to get a
man excited? It’s all in the brain. Why do women
fall in love with men they sleep with? It has to do
with a chemical called oxytocin.
Intrigued? If so, turn the page and get started!
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1. Kinds of Orgasms
Having sex is a healthy, natural part of life. Unfortunately,
some aren’t brought up to see it that way. People who grew
up in religious or conservative households may have lingering
doubts or guilt about their own sexuality.
That’s why I always start out by telling people about all the
wonderful benefits of sex—and in particular, orgasm. Many
women don’t realize that regular sex (roughly three times a
week) can help you lose weight, improve your muscle tone,
even live longer!
Ten Benefits to Orgasms
Regular orgasms will give you and your partner:
• A happier mood.
Not only do orgasms relax you completely and give you a small window
of respite from the distractions of daily life, but they also affect a woman’s
hormones in a positive way. According to Gordon Gallup, a psychology
professor at the State University of New York, women may actually get
powerful mood-boosting effects from sex. A hormone found in semen,
prostaglandin E1, is absorbed through the vaginal walls and may have
an antidepressant effect. In his study, he found that the women who had
regular unprotected sex actually reported being happier than women who
had protected sex or no sex at all. Though the research was inconclusive
and certainly should not be used to argue for unprotected sex (which
increases the risk of STDs and pregnancy), it has opened up a wide field
of study on the effect of sex on mood.
• Improved muscle tone.
Not only does the act of sex itself burn calories (150 per half hour) and
strengthen the abdominal and core muscles, but the muscle contractions
that accompany orgasms are excellent exercise. Orgasms are great for
the cardiovascular system, due to the increase in blood flow and deep
breathing. In fact, during sex, your heart rate increases to 150 beats per
minute, putting it squarely in your cardio zone. Sex clearly belongs as
part of a healthy exercise routine!
• Control appetite.
Regular orgasms can help you lose weight by burning calories and
regulating your appetite. Sexual stimulation triggers the production of
a natural amphetamine called phenetylamine, which helps control your
appetite so that you don’t give into junk food cravings.
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• Better sleep.
After orgasm, your blood pressure drops, and you feel complete relaxation
along with the euphoria of endorphins, allowing you to coast naturally
into a sound sleep. The relaxation benefits are so powerful that some even
consider sex a “natural tranquilizer.”
• A better sense of smell.
This is one fact about sex that few people are aware of. Sex stimulates
the production of a hormone called prolactin. This hormone creates an
improved sense of smell by causing new neurons to develop in the brain’s
“smell center.” Smell is related to sexual desire in a number of ways:
pheromones are considered to attract members of the opposite sex, and
researchers have even suggested that people can “smell” when a partner
is a good genetic match.
• A stronger immune system.
If you want to stave off sickness, lower your risk of
heart disease, and boost your immune system, have
sex at least three times a week. The link between
sex and a reduced risk of heart attack or stroke has
been well documented. Sex offers many other
medical benefits. Right before orgasm, the level of
a hormone called DHEA spikes. DHEA is a “wonder
hormone” which is essential to a variety of healthy
body functions. Studies have also found that regular
sexual activity increases levels of immunoglobulin
A—an antibody that boosts the immune system—by a
third. If you have a cold but can’t make it to the drug
store, then the adrenaline released during sex can act
as a natural antihistamine.
• Regular menstrual cycle.
Having sex at least once a week not just normalizes your menstrual
cycle, it also increases your estrogen levels. Estrogen increases your good
cholesterol and decreases your bad cholesterol, in addition to protecting
against osteoporosis
• Pain relief.
Orgasms have been proven to provide powerful relief for migraine
headaches, arthritis, even whiplash! That’s because orgasm releases
endorphins which act as natural opiates, giving you a higher pain threshold.
(And sex is a great cure for menstrual cramps as well!)
• Longer life.
A study of 1000 middle-aged men in Britain found that those who had at
least two orgasms a week had less than half the death rate over the next
ten years of those who reported fewer orgasms. Does sex increase your
lifespan? It’s certainly doesn’t help to try!
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Sex can actually make you look younger, too. A Scottish study found that
sex four to five times a week can make you look 10 years younger than
someone who has sex only twice a week. This may be due to the hormones
(testosterone for men, estrogen for women) released during sex.
• A stronger relationship.
Best of all, sex cements the bond between two people in a relationship.
Levels of a hormone called oxytocin surge three to five times higher than
normal just before orgasm. Oxytocin, which also helps release endorphins,
is called the “bonding hormone,” which may explain why partners feel so
connected during sex.
Are you convinced yet? When you consider the many health benefits of regular
orgasms, you may come to the conclusion that sex is something that—quite
simply—you can’t live without. Keep sex a priority, for both your sake and your
partner’s. Don’t consider it a selfish pleasure; consider an essential part of his
health and yours.
A Woman’s Orgasms
To get the full benefits of sex, both partners must come. But how do you know
whether you’ve come or not? Is there more than one kind of orgasm for women?
In this section, I’ll answer those questions and more.
To start off with, one of the unanswered questions of human
sexuality is why women have orgasms at all. Orgasms serve
no biological purpose that scientists can tell. There are a
number of theories, including the notion that the contractions
serve to “suck” semen up into the body, increasing the chance
of pregnancy—or that orgasms serve to bond a couple and
increase chances that they’ll stay together to raise offspring—
or that orgasm is just an evolutionary “hang-over,” like the
male nipple. To this day no one really knows.
What exactly is an orgasm? An orgasm is the third stage of the sexual
response cycle detailed by Masters and Johnson (1966), which includes
excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. In the orgasm phase for both
men and women, involuntary muscle contractions in the lower pelvic
muscles occur, along with muscle spasms in other parts of the body.
There are some biological aspects of orgasm specific to women. As a woman
becomes aroused, her clitoris enlarges. Her skin may redden as she experiences
increased blood flow to the skin and other areas of the body (called a “sex flush”).
Just before coming, her labia minor becomes darker, and the vagina actually
decreases in size by about thirty percent. When she comes, her uterus and vagina,
along with her pelvic muscles, contract rhythmically, often in “waves” or series
of contractions.
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However, not all women make it to this stage. About a third of women never
come at all from intercourse, while only 10 to 30% (depending on the source of
the statistics) always come. The majority of women (30 to 40%) have orgasms
sometimes, but not always. Compare this data with that for men: 95% of men
always come when they have sex. Why is it so difficult for women to come?
The reason for the variation in women’s abilities to come isn’t necessarily the
quality of a woman’s lover or her social conditioning—it may actually be genetic.
A 2005 twin study in Biology Letters suggests that the variation in women’s abilities
to orgasm is 34 to 45% genetic. Some researchers theorize that women who
found it more difficult to come would have selected partners who were better
and more thoughtful lovers, increasing the chance that he’d hang around to raise
offspring.
So, while men often struggle to keep themselves from coming too soon, women
often struggle to come at all. A woman can’t mentally “make” herself have an
orgasm, because it’s an involuntary body reaction to sexual stimulation. Not even
she herself may know when she’s going to come, or how long it’s going to take,
or whether she’s even going to come at all. She may not come at all, and stay in
the “plateau” phase until sexual stimulation stops and she returns to an unaroused
state.
Some women have active sex lives but have never had an orgasm. That’s perfectly
all right! If you don’t know whether or not you’ve ever experienced an orgasm,
you probably haven’t. When you’ve come, you’ll know it.
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Six Types of Orgasms
Now, let’s take a look at different “types” of orgasms. Not all sexologists will
agree that orgasms should be divided into these categories, but I use them here
because they seem to fit the common perception of orgasms.
• Simultaneous orgasms. This is when a man and a woman come together
at the same exact moment. Although Hollywood portrays simultaneous
orgasms as commonplace, they’re hard to achieve in actual life. Usually,
the man needs to be able to hold off until he’s 100% certain that the
woman is coming, then let go and hope.
Most couples don’t regularly have simultaneous orgasms and don’t miss
them. “When you come together,” one married couple told me, “you
don’t get to enjoy the other person’s orgasm because you’re so focused
on your own.” A couple may take turns: sometimes the woman comes
first, other times he does. Some couples find it easier to put the woman’s
orgasm first. According to Ben, 24, “Once I come, I want to relax, so if I
don’t make her come before I do, it’s not gonna happen.”
• Multiple orgasms. There are a lot of myths surrounding multiple orgasms.
Basically, multiple orgasms occur when a person has two, three, or more
orgasms in quick succession (not when orgasm occurs more than once in
a single sex session).
They’re more common in women
than men (in whom a multiple orgasm
doesn’t mean ejaculating multiple times
but rather triggering successive feelings
of orgasm in the brain). Women are
slower to arouse than men but stay at
their “plateau” level for longer, which
means that continued stimulation after
the first orgasm can trigger another.
Only 13% of women actually experience multiple orgasms, while
researchers suggest that the number of women able to have multiple
orgasms might be as high as 33%. If a woman’s clitoris is highly sensitive
after orgasm (continued stimulation causing her pain), then she probably
isn’t a candidate for multiple orgasms.
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• Clitoral orgasms. Lest I open a wide debate on the existence of clitoral
or vaginal orgasms, let me say that most women find that the experience
of coming from clitoral stimulation, as opposed to vaginal stimulation,
is highly distinct. Clitoral orgasms are much more concentrated and
powerful. Vaginal orgasms, on the other hand, are much more diffuse and
spread in waves throughout the body. Both types of orgasms are equally
pleasurable, but the clitoral orgasm is the easiest to achieve.
Almost every woman can come with clitoral stimulation, whether it be by
hand, tongue, vibrator, or friction with the penis. Sexual positions which
allow clitoral stimulation often feel better to a woman than those in which
her clitoris doesn’t get any stimulation at all.
Try having your partner stimulate your clitoris while thrusting to increase
your chance of orgasm. For example, if you’re having sex doggy-style,
have him reach around and stimulate your clitoris with his free hand.
• Vaginal orgasms. These are orgasms achieved through penetration or
insertion of fingers or a dildo into the vagina. Only a little over a quarter of
women can have vaginal orgasms with no additional clitoral stimulation.
This means that three out of four women need more than the old in-out,
in-out to come.
Vaginal orgasms are often triggered by stimulation of the G-spot, which is
an area rich in nerve endings on the upper wall of the vagina (towards the
belly), two to three inches from the opening. More on this later. (You’ll
also learn about the fabled A-spot, where it is, and what it feels like when
stimulated.)
• Solo orgasms. Solo orgasms are often quicker than
coming with a partner, because you can focus on
exactly what feels good, and there’s no give-and-
take involved. However, solo orgasms can feel less
satisfying for some.
Masturbation always has a place in a healthy sex life,
whether you’re with a partner or not. For women,
masturbation is even more important. Women who
masturbate regularly often find it much easier to
come with a partner. They are more in tune with
their bodies and better able to guide their partners to
their hot spots. In fact, masturbation is an essential tool for women who
still haven’t managed to achieve the “big O.”
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• Oral orgasms. Some people feel that orgasms achieved through oral sex
have a different quality than orgasms achieved through other means. They
may feel more focused and powerful.
Now that you know more about the mechanics of the orgasm, let’s turn our focus
to something much more fun: what makes an orgasm mind-blowing as opposed
to mundane.
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2. What Affects the Quality of an Orgasm
Let’s start out this chapter with a quiz. Which of the following affects the quality
of the orgasm you experience?
1. Your partner
2. Your mood
3. How tired you are
4. Amount of foreplay
5. How many times you’ve come already
6. All of the above
If you answered, “All of the above,” you’d be right!
Sometimes, you can have sex with a new partner and think you’ve gone to heaven,
but the next time you have sex it’s as ordinary as anything. Where did the magic
go?
Orgasmic “magic” is a function of the perfect combination of physical,
psychological, and emotional readiness. Sometimes everything just comes
together right; other times … well, it just doesn’t.
You can’t have great sex every night. You shouldn’t expect to have great sex every
night. But to have the kind of sex that makes you dreamy years later IS possible,
and in this chapter I’ll tell you how.
To have a satisfying sex life, you have to understand all of the factors that go into
making an orgasm fantastic. You’ll discover why your partner’s sexual technique
may not even be the most important thing in making you come (more about
technique in Chapter 3). Best of all, you’ll learn how you can ensure the sex will
be great even BEFORE you land in bed together.
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How Women See Sex
Although both men and women engage in the same physical act, their
perceptions of what is going on when they have sex are completely
different. It’s as blaring as the difference between a Harlequin romance
novel and hard-core porn. Men and women want different things from
sex, and the best lovers know this and take advantage of it.
First of all, consider the difference between a romance novel and an
issue of Playboy. While Playboy focuses on explicit images devoid of
context, romance novels give you a story, a romantic setting, real people,
and descriptions that are more sensual than explicit. It’s not the raw act
of sex that turns most women on, but rather the emotions, ambience,
words, and relationship that give context and meaning to the sex.
The reason may have to do with how men and women’s brains differ.
Dr. Gert Holstege from the University of Groningen discovered that
during orgasm, areas in the brain associated with fear and alertness shut
down. The male brain is much more active in processing sensory input
from the genitals than the female brain. Dr. Holstege concluded that
the most important condition for achieving orgasm for women was
feeling protected, safe, and deeply relaxed, while men needed physical
stimulation.
The implications of the study are astounding. Men’s magazines for decades have
focused on developing the perfect sexual technique for reducing any woman to
putty. For decades, guys have attempted to give women the best orgasms of their
lives by taking moves from their favorite porn flicks. And all for nothing. For men,
being touched is all-important, so they assume that women feel the same. But it’s
not. Relaxation, mood, and ambience are more important in arousing women
than expert sexual stimulation. And women, by being aware of this, can guide
their man to their hottest turn-on button: their mind.
The Real Turn-ons
So how can you take advantage of your natural turn-ons as a woman? Don’t
expect your man to know these. Instead, share them with him, or do your own
part to turn up the heat.
• Anticipation. Anticipation lends spice to any activity, but nothing more
so than sex. Some couples even have a temporary moratorium on sex
so that when the moment finally comes, sexual tension has built so high
that sparks casade like fireworks. If you want to make it even better, hold
off on sex and savor the anticipation so that when the time comes it’s
perfect.
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Guys, on the other hand, are up for it any time, no prior warning necessary.
Don’t let him deprive you of the pleasure of anticipation. If you jump
into bed straight off, you won’t be able to harness the amazing power of
imagination. Even if he wants it right now, wait until it’s right. Make sure
that you’re not both going to be drunk or wake up the next morning not
remembering what you did.
• Romance. Some of the best foreplay occurs hours or even days before
the first article of clothing comes off. Think about the guy you’re attracted
to and how he makes you feel. Sit back and enjoy it when he opens the
doors for you and plays the gallant gentleman. Assure him that if he plays
the romance card, it will all pay off in the bedroom.
• Ambience. While men could often care less where they’re having sex as
long as the sensations are good, the setting is everything for us women.
A woman will have a better sensual experience in a four-star hotel room
than on the creaky bed of the local motel. That’s why paying attention
to the little details is important. The perfect setting, the perfect meal,
candlelight, soft and silky sheets.... Even if he doesn’t pay attention to
these details, you can. Invest in making the setting perfect for you, and
he’ll be rewarded with a very satisfied woman.
• Trust. Having sex is a huge act of trust. In having sex with a new partner,
you have to make yourself vulnerable, show him your naked body (which
many women feel highly self-conscious about), and trust him not to break
your heart. That’s why making sure that you trust and feel safe with him
is so important. A woman can totally abandon herself when she’s in the
arms of someone she trusts and feels safe with. But if you’re even the least
bit uncomfortable or timid around him, your sexual experience won’t be
as good.
• Compliments. How do you feel when you hear yourself
described in his eyes? Do compliments make you melt? Your
man may not realize that every time he compliments you,
he’s setting the stage for a sexy encounter. When you know
that he finds you sexually attractive, you feel sexy yourself,
and as a result you’ll find yourself much more inclined to act
out those sexual thoughts with him.
• Feelings. Three of the most erotic things a man can say are: “I
need you, I want you, I love you.” We women need loving talk
in the bedroom. While guys just want to focus on enjoying
the sex itself, we women tend to enjoy sex more when it has
emotional context: in other words, when it’s an expression of a man’s
feelings towards us. The best lovers freely tell us how much we means to
him, how we drive him crazy, and how much we turn him on.
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By the way, did you know that for us the largest sexual organ is the brain?
That’s right. Try turning yourself on before your next sexual encounter
by fantasizing or reading erotic books, whatever feeds your sexual
imagination. Your imagination can even be more powerful than direct
sexual stimulation.
• Connection. If you talk to couples in relationships, you’ll find that an
amazing percentage of them say that the sex gets better and better the
longer they are together. That’s because the more connected you are,
the better the sex is. As a result, sex in the context of a relationship can
actually feel better than a one-night stand.
• Communication. Communication in the bedroom
is essential. Every woman is different, and every
woman has different hotspots and turn-ons. As a
result, don’t assume that your partner knows what
you like. Give him feedback when you’re making
love; even just a sigh or a moan will tell him he’s
in the right place. Tell him what makes you come
and where you like to be touched. You’ll be amazed
at how much better a lover he’ll instantly become
when he’s got an expert guide giving him directions
all the way.
• Foreplay. If there’s one thing that all of us agree on, it’s that we need more
foreplay. We women aren’t ready for sex at the snap of a finger. Unlike
men’s, our bodies take time to get aroused. You may even find that you’re
mentally ready for sex long before your body is, and a thoughtful lover is
willing to put in as much time as it takes to get you warmed up.
But foreplay isn’t just the means to an end. Learn to enjoy foreplay for
the sake of it. Try engaging in foreplay until neither of you can’t stand it
any more. Not only will your orgasm will be much more intense than if
you’d headed straight into sex, but you may find that his orgasm is earth-
shattering, too! That’s because teasing one another and holding off makes
the sensation much sharper and more fulfilling when it does come.
• Lingering looks. Eye contact is crucial to an emotionally intimate sexual
experience. Your lover should reconnect with you periodically throughout
sex by meeting your eyes. Eye contact is reassuring for both parties and
provides clues as to how the other person is feeling.
• Unpredictability. Nothing spices up sex more than unpredictability,
which is why the first time with someone can be so exciting. However,
the more you have sex with someone, the more familiar and habitual the
sex becomes. Unpredictability—having sex in different places, at different
times, trying new things—can spice up a sex life and increase desire.
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• Sufficient rest. If you’re well-rested, you will find it easier to come than
when you’re tired. This is why it can be hard to have great sex when both
partners are exhausted and just want to sleep. Try having sex earlier in
the evening (before you go out, say, instead of after) or going to bed a bit
earlier than normal so that you have time for leisurely sex before your
body hits its bedtime sleepiness.
• Warm feet. One of the surprising results of the Dutch study was that men
and women alike find it easier to orgasm when their feet are warm. Only
half of the volunteers were able to orgasm with bare feet, while 80% of
volunteers could come when researchers provided them with socks. So
keep that bedroom warm, or leave your socks on!
Barriers to Orgasm
Sometimes, we just can’t come no matter how much we want to.
Orgasm is an unconscious biological response, which means that an
active conscious mind can actually hinder your chances of coming.
Distracting thoughts or worries can ruin the moment just as you’re
about to come.
This is why it’s so important to make sure that you are completely
relaxed—mentally and physically—before having sex. Lingering
tension from the day’s work can make you less likely to orgasm, as
your mind will be full of concerns and all that you have to do the next
day.
Release tension before having sex by having a long, hot bath with your
partner, or turning on soothing music instead of the television. Keep
distractions to a minimum. Talk about non-work-related topics and
cuddle with your partner The non-sexual physical touch will help you
relax.
Relationship problems can also make it much less likely that you will come. Any
sort of anger or resentment that you feels towards your partner will interfere with
your need to relax, let go, and immerse yourself in the experience of sex. Open
up to one another about the issues in your relationship, and watch your sex life
improve as a result.
If your partner makes negative comments or criticizes you in the bedroom, he can
actually sabotage your sexual experience. If you feels that your partner doesn’t
find you attractive, your sex drive may vanish. Again, there is nothing wrong
with you: the problem lies outside the bedroom. Fortunately, the opposite is true:
compliments in the bedroom will actually make you less inhibited and more
willing to let your man see your sexy vixen side.
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If you feel self-conscious at all—about your body, about the funny faces you
make when you come, or about whether what you’re doing is right—then your
self-consciousness may keep you from coming. Too, if you feel as if you shouldn’t
be having sex for some reason (parental disapproval, religious views, etc.), then
subconsciously this could interfere with your ability to orgasm.
To help relax, one thing you can and should do is lighten the mood in the bedroom.
Be willing to be playful and laugh. Enjoy the funny, silly side of sex. Take the
pressure off the performance and focus on giving one another pleasure, rather
than getting to the big ‘O.’ Sex is about having fun, not “doing it” right.
Other factors that act as barriers to orgasm include pain, fatigue, stress, cold, and
some medications.
Being aware of the number of factors that influence your ability to come can help
take the pressure off. You’ll experience your best orgasms when you’re completely
relaxed and feeling content and safe with your partner. However, if you’re stressed
or worried or in pain, it may be a lot to ask to orgasm. Don’t worry about it. Never
feel pressured to come, because if you focus on coming—rather than relaxing and
allowing it to happen—it probably won’t. Let your partner know that it’s not him
and that you’re enjoying the experience regardless of whether you come or not.
DON’T fake it, whatever you do.
In the next chapter, I’ll discuss sexual techniques that are sure to add an idea or
two to your repertoire.
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3. Sexual Techniques
Now, we’re getting to the stuff that you and your partner can use. In
this chapter, I’ll teach you how to take advantage of what you now
know to maximize your chances of coming every time. You’ll learn
some fabulous foreplay techniques that your partner can use, which
positions maximize your chance of coming, and the fabled A-spot that
is guaranteed to give you an orgasm every time.
Fabulous Foreplay
You already know that the more foreplay the better, but what if you’ve
run out of ideas? Here are some suggestions for foreplay.
• Ask your partner to give you a foot massage. If he’s keen, have him finish
off by sucking your toes.
• Take a bath or shower together. Soap one another up and kiss under the
steamy hot water. Avoid having sex until you’re dry, though, as the water
can wash away your natural lubrication.
• Touch one another through your clothing. Yes, you can take it off, but the
barrier of clothing will heighten the anticipation.
• Be a tease. Ask him to describe what he’s going to do to you and envision
it in your mind before he does it.
• Cuddle and gently stroke one another. The gentle, non-sexual motions of
cuddling will arouse you slowly.
• Hands off. Tell him it’s “hand off” for your breasts and genitals, and let him
discover your other erogenous zones. Give him some help: direct him to
the back of your neck, your earlobes, or the small of your back.
• Play a game. Remember the whole, “You’re getting warmer, colder, colder,
now you’re getting warmer again...” game? You hid something, and you
directed someone to find it by giving them no other clues than whether
they were getting closer (warmer) or further away (colder). Play this game
with your partner. Ask him to kiss and lick his way around your body as
you direct him to your favorite hot-spots.
• Don’t take let him take off your panties until you’re ready. Again, it’s all
about anticipation. There’s just something naughty about being barred
from having sex by such a thin strip of fabric.
• Touch yourself. Not only do men love to watch women masturbate, but
he’ll learn how you like to be touched by watching you.
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Best Positions for Women
The single best position for women to have an orgasm, hands down, is the girl-on-
top position. From that position, you can control the depth, angle, and speed of
thrust. All your partner has to do is lie back and enjoy the action.
No matter what, make sure that whatever position you’re in offers opportunity for
clitoral stimulation. Missionary is one of the good old standbys, because because
your clitoris gets rubbed as he moves on top of you. Maximize the potential of this
position by putting a pillow underneath your buttocks to raise you up. If you’re in
a position where your clitoris doesn’t get any stimulation, then make up for it by
having your partner stimulate you with his fingers, or by stimulating yourself.
Hit the G-Spot
The quickest way to a vaginal orgasm is to hit the G-spot. The G-spot, or Grafenberg
spot (named after the German gynecologist who first documented its existence), is
located on the vaginal wall, a few inches up, towards the belly. It is the size of a
pea, feels spongy, and swells as a woman becomes more aroused.
It is believed that the G-spot has a biological function as a trigger point during
childbirth. The baby’s head pushes against this spot during childbirth and triggers
the final contraction of delivery. However, when stimulated sexually, the G-spot
causes a strong contraction of the vagina, resulting in a powerful orgasm and
even, for some, female ejaculation.
Not all women are able to find theirs, but it doesn’t take the fun out of trying! The
best position for hitting the G-spot is either girl-on-top or doggie style.
The A-Spot
There’s another area only recently discovered (1996) called the “anterior fornex
erogenous,” or A-spot for short. It’s located halfway between the G-spot and a
woman’s cervix. Unlike the G-spot, it’s smooth, but you’ll have no doubt when
he’s found it.
According to sex expert Tracey Cox, the A-spot was discovered when researchers
were searching for a cure for vaginal dryness. To their surprise, they found that
stimulation of the A-spot resulted in an amazing feeling of being turned on for
95% of women. In fact, these women were then able to experience multiple
orgasms, possibly due to the increased lubrication.
17
Taking it Further
If you want to expand the ideas in this chapter further, here are some
suggestions.
Visit a sex shop. Sex shops can often offer new ideas to expand your sexual
horizons. Two sexual aids that no woman should be without are lubricants and
vibrators. Even though you lubricate naturally, a bit of extra lubrication can make
things extra fun. Add a vibrator to the mix, and you’ll discover why many women
call them “a woman’s best friend.”
Share your fantasies. If you feel comfortable, open up to your partner about your
sexual fantasies. Men often want to share their fantasies with their partners but
feel inhibited in doing so. If you start the conversation, he may very likely jump
in and share some of his fantasies with you. You may wish to try role-playing,
spanking, using a blindfold, or light bondage. The key is to both be comfortable
with the fantasy and stop if either party becomes uncomfortable.
Do some research. Pick up one of the many books out there on sexual techniques
and positions. Personally, I like Tracey Cox’s Hot Sex: Hot to Do It, which includes
informative advice for both men and women. Many lovers swear by the Karma
Sutra. Don’t just stop with books. The 2004 film Kinsey about legendary sex
researcher Alfred Kinsey (the father of sexology) opens up many issues about
sexuality and culture that are important to consider.
This chapter has just been a starting point for thinking about
sex. The more you understand about how your orgasm
works, the longer you’re with your partner, and the more
comfortable you feel with touching yourself, the more you’ll
find your orgasm accuracy improving. And the amazing
benefit of all this? A satisfied partner who loves having sex
with you and can’t believe how enjoyable and easy it is to
bring you to orgasm again and again.
