T A Chase Shades of Dreams

HADES

REAMS

…For a brief second, anger swirled in Rocky’s heart. Why did

Jeremy have to die now? He gave himself a mental shake. He doubted
Jeremy had planned to die any time soon.

Stephan curled into him, his tears mingling with the sweat soaking

Rocky’s T-shirt. A shiver wracked Stephan, and Rocky made a
decision.

“Amy, go out and send Bill in here. Tell Stone to get the limo. I’m

taking Stephan to the hotel. Gather the guys; tell them to keep their
phones on. As soon as I get Stephan settled, I’ll call and we’ll meet to
talk about this.” He pinned their manager with a steely gaze. “You get
on the phone and find out what happened. I want to know every thing
when we meet up again.”

Amy nodded and brushed her hand over Stephan’s damp curls

before leaving.

Ignoring the muttering of the crowd gathered outside the room,

Rocky held Stephan close and murmured, “I’m here. Just hold on a
little longer. We’ll go to the hotel and you can let go.”

“I loved him,” Stephan whispered, his grief evident in the

harshness of his voice.

“I know.”
He knew exactly the kind of love Stephan spoke about. It was the

same love Rocky had always felt for Stephan, and the knowledge
broke his heart…

LSO

T. A. C

HASE

Allergies

Bastet

Be The Air For You

Bitter Creek’s Redemption

Duncan’s World

Freaks In Love

Lift Your Voice

Nick Of Time

Nowhere Diner: Finding Love

Revealing The Past

Soothe The Burn

Wolf’s Survival

SHADES OF DREAMS

T. A. CHASE

MBER

UILL

RESS

, LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

HADES

REAMS

MBER

UILL

RESS

OOK

This book is a work of fiction.

All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the

author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales,

or events is entirely coincidental.

Amber Quill Press, LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

No portion of this book may be transmitted or

reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in

writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief

excerpts used for the purposes of review.

ISBN 978-1-61124-031-3

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To all my blog readers who demanded Rocky and Stephan’s

story in one full book instead of installments.

This is for you. Also, C, you are my everything. All the love

songs in the world talk to me about you.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 1

The shrill scream broke through the noise of the crowd in the

arena. Rocky and the rest of the band froze for a moment. Another
shriek shattered over them, and Rocky took off.

Dodging roadies and security, Rocky raced through the

backstage area to where the band’s dressing room was located.
Stephan, their lead singer, had gone on to the room ahead of them
and it was his scream drawing a crowd outside the door.

Rocky burst through the door and had enough warning to duck

the glass hurtled from across the room. Glancing around, he
spotted Stephan dropping to his knees, arms wrapped around his
waist and tears streaming down his face.

Their manager Amy stood, mascara-streaked face wearing a

broken expression.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“No,” Stephan screamed.
Rocky winced, the strain on his friend’s vocal cords apparent.

Stephan reached out and grabbed another glass, pulling back his
arm to throw it. Rocky shot across the room, fell to his knees, and
embraced his best friend.

Stephan struggled madly for a moment or two before

collapsing into Rocky’s body, shaking violently with his sobs.

“Hush,” Rocky murmured, sitting on his ass and tugging the

lean singer onto his lap.

Amy flopped on the couch next to them and she rested her face

in her hands, her shoulders shaking. He nudged her with his foot.

“What the fuck is going on here, Amy?”
She gathered herself and looked up, meeting his questioning

gaze. “Jeremy’s dead.”

Her statement brought another strangled moan from Stephan.

Rocky rocked back and forth, rubbing his hands over Stephan’s
back, soothing him the best he could.

“You’re fucking kidding.”
Amy shook her head.
“How?”
Shoving her hands through her long blonde hair, Amy

shrugged. “I don’t know for sure. I got the call as you were
finishing the encore. Before I could break the news to Stephan,
someone else must have told him.”

“Shit. This isn’t good, Amy. We have one more show to do.”
For a brief second, anger swirled in Rocky’s heart. Why did

Jeremy have to die now? He gave himself a mental shake. He
doubted Jeremy had planned to die any time soon.

Stephan curled into him, his tears mingling with the sweat

soaking Rocky’s T-shirt. A shiver wracked Stephan, and Rocky

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made a decision.

“Amy, go out and send Bill in here. Tell Stone to get the limo.

I’m taking Stephan to the hotel. Gather the guys; tell them to keep
their phones on. As soon as I get Stephan settled, I’ll call and we’ll
meet to talk about this.” He pinned their manager with a steely
gaze. “You get on the phone and find out what happened. I want to
know every thing when we meet up again.”

Amy nodded and brushed her hand over Stephan’s damp curls

before leaving.

Ignoring the muttering of the crowd gathered outside the room,

Rocky held Stephan close and murmured, “I’m here. Just hold on a
little longer. We’ll go to the hotel and you can let go.”

“I loved him,” Stephan whispered, his grief evident in the

harshness of his voice.

“I know.”
He knew exactly the kind of love Stephan spoke about. It was

the same love Rocky had always felt for Stephan, and the
knowledge broke his heart.

A knock on the door lifted his head and he watched Bill slip in.

The people had been cleared away. He thanked God for the
professional bodyguards the record label hired for them.

“Stone’s got the limo at the side door. We should be able to get

there without too many people noticing. The rest of the band is
creating a diversion, signing autographs and getting pictures at the
other end of the arena.”

Rocky nodded and shifted, causing Stephan’s hold to tighten.
“Stephan, Bill’s going to help you up. I need to stand and we’ll

get out of here.”

His best friend didn’t acknowledge his instructions, but didn’t

fight as Bill bent, slid his arm around Stephan’s waist and lifted

SHADES OF DREAMS

him off Rocky’s lap. After jumping to his feet, Rocky paused,
waiting to get his balance before grabbing Stephan’s trench coat.
Stephan stood, unresisting, as Rocky dressed him. He buttoned up
the coat and cupped Stephan’s cold cheek.

“Time to go.”
Stephan blinked once and took one step before crumbling.

Rocky caught him and stared down at him. He saw tears spill from
Stephan’s pain-filled hazel eyes. Sweeping his arms under
Stephan’s knees, Rocky cradled him in his arms. Bill shot him an
inquiring look.

“I’ve got him. Just get us out of here.”
Bill gave Stephan a worried glance, but the bodyguard went to

the door and opened it, making sure no one lay in wait for them.
He gestured to Rocky, who followed the bodyguard without
looking left or right.

There wasn’t any time for delay. Stephan quivered in Rocky’s

arms like the man was going to shatter at any moment. Rocky
wanted them in their hotel suite before that happened.

They hit the side door without encountering anyone. Stone held

the limo door open, and after Rocky slid Stephan in, he turned to
Bill.

“Grab Amy and have her or one of the guys pack up Stephan’s

stuff. My bag should be packed and by the door. They can bring it
to the hotel when they come.” He started to climb in when another
thought hit him. “Apologize to the people here. Maybe we can
send them some free stuff.”

“I’ll let Ms. Swenson know.”
“Thanks, Bill.”
“Take care of him, sir.”
Bill’s comment wormed its way into Rocky’s brain as Stone

SHADES OF DREAMS

shut the door. He glanced over to where Stephan sat, curled into a
fetal position, eyes closed, but tears still falling.

Take care of Stephan? Rocky smiled slightly. Until Jeremy

burst into Stephan’s life, that was all Rocky did and lived for. The
music and the band came in a distant second to his love for
Stephan. But then Jeremy crashed in and swept Stephan off his
feet.

Rocky was the only band member who truly understood

Stephan and Jeremy’s relationship. Maybe the others guessed, but
they never spoke up and probably didn’t care, as long as it didn’t
distract Stephan from the band.

Falling in love with his best friend hadn’t been in Rocky’s life

plan, but it happened. He never could figure out how to tell
Stephan about his love…and then it was too late.

“Rocky?”
He came out of his thoughts to see Stephan reaching for him.

Entwining their fingers, he tried not to wince at the strength in
Stephan’s grip.

“I’m here, Stephan.” He swallowed his own pain. Jeremy had

been a good friend of his as well.

“I loved him,” Stephan repeated.
“I know. We all loved Jeremy.”
Stephan shook his head. “I loved him. He was my soul mate.”
Rocky squeezed Stephan’s hand and touched his friend’s knee

with his free hand, drawing Stephan’s attention. “I know.”

Surprise broke through the sorrow for a second and Stephan

stared at him. “You did?”

Chuckling, Rocky smoothed his hand over Stephan’s jean-clad

thigh. “We’ve been best friends for a long time, babe. There isn’t
much I don’t know about you.”

SHADES OF DREAMS

“I never told you I was gay.” Stephan’s eyes took on a wild

look.

“Hey, it’s okay. None of the others know. I’m just a little more

observant than most.”

Admitting to watching Stephan whenever they were in the

same room didn’t seem like the right thing to do at the moment. He
accepted that Stephan had chosen to keep his preferences secret,
even after Rocky came out to him before they started the band
eight years ago. Stephan’s reasons for staying silent were his own,
and Rocky never wanted to pry.

“What am I going to do?”
The broken quality of the singer’s voice tore at Rocky, but he

fought back his sorrow. He had to be strong for Stephan. There
would be time to fall apart quietly later.

A hundred trite statements flashed through Rocky’s mind and

not one held understanding, truth, or help. He could only be honest
with his best friend.

“I don’t know.” Rocky stared at their clasped hands. Stephan’s

fingers were long and elegant like the rest of him. Rocky’s fingers
were thick and callused, scarred from broken drumsticks, burns,
and knives. So different, and yet those hands had soothed when
sick and patched up when broken. Rocky had taken care of
Stephan for years.

“That’s not very comforting,” Stephan complained, shifting

closer to him. “You’re the guy with all the answers.”

Sighing, Rocky scrubbed his hand over his close cut hair. “Not

this time, sweetheart.”

Stephan fell silent and rested his head on Rocky’s shoulder.

Stephan’s hold on Rocky’s hand never eased until they got to the
hotel.

SHADES OF DREAMS

* * *

Stone opened the door of the limo when they got to the hotel,

and Stephan hesitated.

“Do you want me to carry you?” Rocky asked softly.
Stephan shook his head and eased from the limo, leaning

against the vehicle until Rocky exited. Rocky stayed close by as
they made their way through the lobby to the elevators. He didn’t
touch Stephan, knowing his friend didn’t like personal contact in
public. Yet he was ready to catch Stephan if all of this became too
much for him.

The elevator doors closed and Stephan slumped. Rocky

caressed his hand quickly.

“Just a little farther,” he encouraged.
Stone checked the hallway outside their suite. After getting the

all-clear, Rocky led the way to the suite. Stephan went right to his
bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Rocky stripped off his clammy T-shirt and unbuttoned his

jeans. As much as he hated to, he’d give Stephan a few moments
of privacy while Rocky cleaned up.

As he headed to his room, he ordered Stone, “Call room

service. Order a bunch of food. The rest of the band and Amy will
be here shortly.”

“Yes, sir.”
Stopping in the doorway of his room, he braced his arms

against the frame and dropped his head. His eyes burned from the
tears he couldn’t shed yet.

“Thank you, Stone. Keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn’t

leave the suite.”

“Yes, sir.”

SHADES OF DREAMS

No questions asked, and Rocky, again, thanked God for the

professionalism of their bodyguards.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“Take your time, sir. I have things covered for now.”
Rocky shut his door and let the tears fall. Stumbling to the bed,

he dropped onto it and buried his face into the pillow. Christ, how
could this happen to Stephan and Jeremy? While Stephan had
never explained his true relationship with Jeremy to the band, there
wasn’t any way their friends didn’t know how much those two
loved each other. Rocky had been jealous the first month or two of
their budding relationship, but when he saw how happy Jeremy
made Stephan, he couldn’t continue hating the man who stole his
best friend away. So he accepted that he’d lost his chance and
welcomed Jeremy as a member of his family.

Jeremy had become a good friend of his, helping him keep

Stephan stress-free and relaxed on their time off between concerts
and recordings. They’d spent hours swimming in the ocean, lying
on the beach, or playing video games. He never felt like Jeremy
hated him for his friendship with Stephan. Jeremy always
welcomed Rocky whenever he stopped over to visit. Of course,
Rocky tried not to go over there all the time. He didn’t want to
become the annoying friend who always has to spend time with
them.

The murmur of a voice out in the living room space of the suite

cut through Rocky’s pain. He couldn’t fall apart, not yet anyway.
There were too many things to deal with and he needed to make
sure Stephan was all right. Pushing off the bed, Rocky stripped,
left his clothes where they fell, and staggered to the bathroom.
After the water heated up, he climbed into the shower and washed
quickly. He didn’t want Stephan left alone for too long.

SHADES OF DREAMS

Rocky dried off and yanked on a clean shirt and sweats. He

wiped his cheeks and took a calming breath before leaving his
room. Stone looked up from where he sat near the door, a book
resting on his lap.

“Haven’t heard anything.”
Nodding, Rocky knocked on Stephan’s door. He waited, but

there wasn’t an answer, so he entered. Stephan’s stage clothes lay
in a corner and his friend was curled up in the middle of the king-
sized bed, a pillow clutched in his arms. Rocky settled on the edge
of the mattress and rested his hand on Stephan’s head.

“Stephan,” he whispered.
A muffled sob came from the direction of his friend as Stephan

rolled over, snuggling as close as he could without sharing
Rocky’s skin.

“Just hold me,” Stephan demanded.
“For as long as you need me to,” he promised, and they lay on

the bed, bodies entwined.

Minutes or hours later, Rocky eased away from Stephan. He

tucked the blankets around the sleeping singer before slipping out
of the room. Stone was admitting Amy, the rest of the band, and
the food as Rocky entered the living area. Amy rushed over to him.

“How’s he doing?”
Rocky grabbed her hand and dragged her to the couch, not

wanting to wake Stephan up. Gesturing to the others, he waited
until they were seated before speaking.

“He’s sleeping for now. Exhausted himself to sleep with

crying.” He glanced at the others. “Did Amy tell you what’s
happened?”

Stan and Lee nodded, their expressions holding concern for

Stephan. Kathy, the newest addition to the band, frowned.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“She did, but we have one more show to do tomorrow night. Is

he going to be up for it?”

Rocky let his head fall back to rest on the couch. The last show

of the tour wasn’t really a concern of his at the moment.

Amy patted his hand. “I can see if they’ll be willing to re-

schedule the show. Maybe six months from now. I’ll have to check
your schedule to make sure you’re not in the studio or something
like that.”

“Even if we are, we can make it work. Hopefully, Stephan will

be up to singing again by then.”

“We don’t need to cancel. I can sing lead and Rocky can sing

my part.”

Rocky straightened and stared at Kathy. She meant well, but

she was ambitious and probably saw this as an opportunity to
showcase her talent.

Stan snorted. “The fans come to see Stephan. They don’t want

to hear you sing his songs.”

“Fuck you, Stan. They aren’t Stephan’s either.” Kathy pointed

at Rocky. “Every word and note of music is his.”

“True, but Stephan is the voice. He puts the heart and soul into

the songs.” Stan smirked at her.

“Are you saying I can’t sing?” Her voice rose, heading toward

a shriek.

“Stop it.” Rocky stood, capturing everyone’s attention. “Chaos

Score has gotten this far because of our individual talents blending
together to make a good band. What makes us a great band is
Stephan. His looks and personality ties everything together.”

“So I’m not important to the band?” She pouted.
“Fuck.” Rocky’s voice was soft, but the tone of that one word

froze any comment anyone else was about to make. He glared at

SHADES OF DREAMS

Kathy until she dropped her gaze to the floor.

“I don’t have time to stroke your ego, Kathy. My best friend

just lost the man he loved today. My main concern is making sure
Stephan survives and gets through all this shit.” He rested his
hands on his hips and stared at her. “If Amy can re-schedule the
concert, then you can leave. You’ve fulfilled your obligations to
the label and the band.”

Kathy gasped as shock and anger filled her expression.

“Leave?”

“Yes. Obviously you’re not happy with us…and you have to

realize you’ll never front Chaos Score. There are a lot of bands
looking for a talented, beautiful lead singer, so I’m sure you’ll find
the right fit for you.”

Amy, Stan, and Lee stayed quiet. Though they had a say on

every decision made, Rocky’s word was law. Stephan might be the
face of the band, but Rocky founded it and chose the direction it
went in.

“And if Amy can’t?” Kathy’s question floated to Rocky on a

soft breeze.

“I’ll ask you to do the professional thing and go on stage with

us tomorrow night. We have to give the fans what they paid money
for.”

“Will Stephan be up for it?” Lee’s doubt underlined his words.
“If we don’t have a choice, I’ll make sure he is.”
Rocky would hate doing it to Stephan, but he would.
“What happened to Jeremy?” He looked at Amy and braced

himself for the news.

“He was run off the road by a drunk driver. Went nose first into

a tree and died instantly.”

“There’s a blessing at last,” Lee said.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“Did they find the person who did it?”
Amy nodded. “He’d driven into a ditch about a mile or two

beyond where Jeremy went off the road. The bastard had a few
scrapes and bruises, but other than that he was fine.”

“They always are. Shit!”
While Rocky paced, he organized his thoughts.
“Does anyone know how to get hold of Jeremy’s parents?”
Stan shot him a disbelieving look. “You’re kidding, right?

Those assholes disowned him the minute he said he was gay.”

After standing, Kathy gathered a plate of food and headed for

the door.

“Where are you going?” Amy demanded.
“I didn’t know Jeremy and I haven’t been with the band long

enough to care. I won’t have anything to contribute to this
discussion.”

Rocky didn’t argue as she left. Amy leaned back on the couch

and grinned.

“Did you mean what you said about Kathy leaving the band?”
He nodded absently, caught up in trying to figure out how to

break the details of Jeremy’s death to Stephan. At his confirmation,
Amy and Stan high-fived and Lee cheered.

Rocky was slightly taken aback by their reaction. “Didn’t you

like her?” He had never sensed any tension among the band
members.

“She was fine when she joined, but she got worse the longer

she was with us. She constantly tried to rearrange the order of the
songs or add more for her to sing on.” Stan shook his head.

“I overheard her trying to convince Stephan to let her do a solo

of one of the songs.” Lee spoke up. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen
Stephan as mad as he was that day.”

SHADES OF DREAMS

“Which song did she want?”
“‘Shades of Dreams,’ dude.”
Outrage tore through Rocky for a second. “How dare she even

think about that? No one can ever sing that song except for
Stephan.”

“Man, Stephan lit into her. Told her she couldn’t ever sing the

song like the way it was meant to be sung. She’d never get a
chance to sing it because it was the song that made us the success
we are today.”

“Why didn’t any of you tell me all of this?” Confusion

furrowed Rocky’s brow.

“When we started the tour, you were so sick. Hell, Stone or Bill

would practically have to carry you to the suite after each show.
By the time you felt better, we knew we had only a few more
shows left. Stephan said we’d fill you in on everything and make a
decision over the break.” Amy grimaced. “We were able to deal
with her for the most part.”

“Thanks, guys. I guess we’re going to have to advertise for a

new guitarist. Start letting people in the industry know, Amy.
We’re taking at least six months off after this and we’ll start
auditioning after that. I’m not rushing Stephan back into the studio
or on stage. He needs time to mourn.”

Stan pushed to his feet. “I have a friend who should be able to

find Jeremy’s parents for us. I’ll never know why you’d want to
call them, though.”

“He was their son, and parents deserve to know when their

children die.” Rocky closed his eyes for a moment. “Who do we
know who’s strong enough to go claim the body for us?”

They gathered food and settled in to make as many plans as

possible. For the actual service and where to bury Jeremy, Rocky

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would talk to Stephan, but they could take care of the minor
details.

Amy left with her list of people to call. Stan would text him if

his friend found Jeremy’s parents. Lee gave Rocky a quick hug as
he left.

“Stone, will you escort Amy to her room?”
“I’m perfectly safe in the hotel, Rocky.”
“It’s the middle of the night and it’d make me feel better.”
“All right. Tell Stephan we love him and we’re here for him.”

She hugged Rocky tight.

“I will. Oh, and let me know as soon as possible about

tomorrow’s show. If we don’t have to perform, I’ll let Stephan
sleep late, then we’ll fly home.”

Stone shifted. “Bill talked to our bosses. They’ve chartered a

plane for you. It’ll be at the airport, waiting and ready to go when
you are.”

“Thank you, Stone.”
Silence descended after the door shut behind his bodyguard.

Rocky stared at the plates and leftovers, unable to find the energy
to clean up. He peeked into Stephan’s room and the bed was
empty. Pushing the door open all the way, he stepped in.

The sound of running water caught his ear and he went to the

half-closed bathroom door. He knocked before peering around it.

“Stephan,” he called, not wanting to surprise his friend.
A shattered sob sounded from behind the shower door, and

Rocky crossed the floor without thinking. He eased the panel aside
and discovered Stephan on the floor, under the pounding water
with his face buried in his hands.

“Oh, honey.”
Rocky reached in, turned off the water, and scooped Stephan

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into his arms. If Stephan had been aware of what was happening,
he’d be pissed off at Rocky manhandling him like that. But his
friend was sinking deeper and deeper into grief, and Rocky figured
he’d never really remember what happened the day his world
shattered. Supporting him, Rocky dried off Stephan before
carrying him to bed.

No words were spoken as Rocky offered Stephan what comfort

he could. Stephan tired himself out with his tears and fell asleep
again. Rocky started to climb out and go to his own bed. Stephan
tightened his grip.

“Don’t leave me, too, Rocky,” he begged.
“I won’t, sweetheart. Get some sleep.”
He allowed the warmth of Stephan’s body to lull him into a

drowsy state of dreaming. It wasn’t hard to imagine they were
lovers, just going to bed after a show.

A stuttered breath from Stephan created a mental slap for

Rocky. His best friend was hurting, broken by the loss of his lover,
and Rocky was a terrible person, even if he was the only one to
know what he was thinking.

Rocky drifted off to sleep, letting the excitement of the night

ease from him.

* * *

“Rocky.”
He looked around, shock ripping through him as Jeremy

strolled up to him. He reached out, taking the man’s hand and
giving him a hug. “You’re not dead.”

Jeremy accepted his hug, but shook his head sadly as he

stepped back. “I am dead, Rocky.”

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Rocky shook his head. “If you’re dead, why are you here?”
Waving his hand vaguely, Rocky glanced around, realizing they

stood on the beach at the very spot Stephan and Jeremy had met
three years ago.

“You’re dreaming. It was the only way I could talk to you. I

don’t have much time before I leave and I needed to talk to you.”

Something inside Rocky accepted the fact he was dreaming

this. As much as he wanted Jeremy to be alive for Stephan’s sake,
he knew the truth.

“Okay. What do you want to tell me?”
“Walk with me.”
“All right.”
It wasn’t like he could refuse. He wasn’t in control of this

dream. He was just along for the ride.

“My death is going to be very hard on Stephan. He came to

depend on me. Almost as much as he depends on you.” Jeremy
shot him a slanted look.

Shrugging, Rocky grinned. “Sorry about that. We’ve been

friends for a long time. I tried to take a step back.”

“I know you did, and I appreciate it, but he never let go of

you.” Jeremy looked out over the water. “It’s a good thing that
connection is still there. He’s going to need you, no matter what he
says. Don’t let him push you away or retreat into his grief so much
he forgets about the people around him.”

“I won’t.”
It was a promise Rocky was more than willing to make. He’d

never let Stephan go, even if it meant giving him up to someone
else for him to be happy.

“Don’t ever stop loving him either, Rocky.”
“I won’t. Hell, he’s my best friend, Jeremy. I’m not going to

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stop caring for him.”

Jeremy stopped and swung around, his hands landing on

Rocky’s shoulders. His intense gaze connected with Rocky’s and
forced him to meet Jeremy’s blue eyes.

“You’re in love with him, and always have been. I knew it from

the first moment I saw the two of you together. Stephan never
guessed, proving how obtuse the man can be at times.”

“I’m sorry.”
Why the hell was Rocky apologizing? It wasn’t like he ever

tried to come between them. He stayed away because seeing
Stephan happy with someone else broke his heart.

Jeremy cupped Rocky’s face in his hands and smiled. “Don’t

apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. Never once did you try
to break us up or do anything to take Stephan away from me. I
came to care for you so much. I could see why Stephan considered
you his family.”

“I won’t stop loving him, Jeremy. It’d be like stopping my heart

from beating.”

“Good. Eventually the time will be right for you to be together.

I don’t want Stephan’s memories of me to come between you. Just
remember, he does love you. He needs some time for that love to
evolve into the kind of love it’s meant to be.”

He grew transparent, and Rocky wanted to grab a hold, wanted

to beg Jeremy not to leave because Stephan was in a million pieces
and Rocky didn’t know if he could put him back together the way
he was before Jeremy died.

“I have to go now, but keep in mind that I approve. Don’t feel

guilty when he tells you he loves you. It’s what I want. We both
know Stephan isn’t meant to be alone.”

“He’s not. Thank you, Jeremy.”

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Rocky stood back and watched Jeremy walk off into the surf.

Stephan’s dead lover turned back once to wave before a large
wave washed over him and he disappeared.

* * *

Rocky shot up in the bed, glancing wildly around the room.

Nothing. Just him and Stephan in bed at the hotel. He ran a hand
over his face and settled back next to Stephan. Shit. It really was a
dream and wherever Jeremy went, it was probably a hell of lot
nicer than here.

“Jeremy,” Stephan mumbled brokenly.
“Hush, honey,” Rocky soothed.
The night continued rushing on while they fell back asleep.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 2

A gentle knock woke Rocky up. He untangled himself from

Stephan’s octopus embrace and opened the door. Stone stood on
the other side.

“Ms. Swenson called. She said don’t worry about the show.

The promoter was very understanding and willing to reschedule for
later in the year.”

“Great.”
Rocky glanced over his shoulder. Stephan was still sleeping,

and Rocky wanted him to rest as long as possible. He pulled the
door almost shut before following Stone out into the living room.
He flopped on the couch and groaned at the ache in his head. Stone
handed him a glass of orange juice and some aspirin.

“Thanks. I want Stephan to sleep for a while longer. The next

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week is going to be very hard for him.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what are you going to do once

he buries Jeremy?” Stone sat next to him on the couch.

Surprised, he met the bodyguard’s bright green eyes. It was the

first personal question the man had ever asked. Rocky shrugged.

“Hell if I know. My first inclination is to take him away, but

the only place I have is on the beach and that won’t work. Jeremy’s
favorite place in the world was the beach. It’s where they met.”

Stone nodded and hesitated for a second.
“Do you have a suggestion?”
“Yes, sir. My folks own a cabin in the Smoky Mountains. It’s

in Tennessee and surrounded by national forest. Beautiful scenery
and very peaceful.” Stone’s gaze went distant. “When I returned
from the war, I stayed there for a while to adjust to being state-side
again.”

“You’d let Stephan and me stay there?”
“With the tour done for now, I’m taking some vacation time

and going to visit my family. I’d be willing to take you both up the
mountain and keep an eye on you until Mr. Colby is better.”

Rocky rested his hand on Stone’s arm; something would never

have done before this. “Why do this for us?”

“Mr. Colby’s always been nice to me. You’d be surprised at

how badly some stars treat their security details.” Stone dropped
his gaze to the floor. “I know what it’s like to lose someone you
love.”

As much as he wanted to dig deeper, it wasn’t any of his

business.

“Thanks for the offer, and I’ll take you up on it. Stephan tends

to shut down when he’s dealing with grief. It’s best for him to be
away from people for a while. Will you handle the logistics and

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everything for me?”

“Yes, sir. You’ll be accompanying Mr. Colby, won’t you?”
Stone wore an understanding expression. Did the bodyguard

sense Rocky’s love for Stephan was more than just friendship?
God, he hoped not. Rocky didn’t want anyone to know how long
he’d been pining after his best friend.

“Oh, and Mr. Fleming’s friend was able to track down the

number you wanted.”

Rocky took the paper Stone held out and grimaced. “I’m not

looking forward to this phone call.”

“You don’t have to do it.”
Standing, Rocky shook his head and moved to where someone

had set his backpack from the arena last night.

“Stephan isn’t up to it. Besides, even though Jeremy’s family

disowned him, they need to be told he’s dead. If they don’t care,
they don’t care, but at least I did the right thing in letting them
know.”

Rocky dug out his cell phone and checked it. There were

twenty messages. Friends must have found out about Jeremy and
called Rocky for news. He’d worry about answering their calls
later.

“Stone, could you order me some breakfast while I make this

call?”

“Sure.”
Rocky went into his room and sat on the bed, staring at the

number. From the little Jeremy told them about his family, Rocky
knew it wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation. Why couldn’t
more parents be like his? They were more upset about him being a
drummer in a rock band than him being gay.

“Here goes nothing,” he whispered as he dialed the number.

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It rang a few times before a harsh voice answered. “Hello?”
“Mr. McCormic?”
“Yes.”
“My name is Rocky Sanicily. I’m a friend of Jeremy’s.”
McCormic’s next words shocked him. “Jeremy is dead to this

family.”

He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a

minute. Replacing it, he stammered, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. My son died the day he broke his mother’s

heart.”

“By being gay? You’ve got to be kidding me” He wanted to

reach through the phone and punch the man.

“We aren’t kidding. Homosexuality is an abomination in the

eyes of God. Jeremy stopped being my son the instant he
committed such sins.”

“You fucking bastard,” Rocky spit out, hand clutching the

phone so tightly he was surprised it didn’t break. “Well, I guess
you’ll be happy to know that when you tell your self-righteous
friends Jeremy’s dead, you won’t be lying anymore. He was killed
by a drunk driver yesterday.”

He punched the end button and fought the urge to throw the

phone across the room. Abusing his phone wouldn’t keep Jeremy’s
father from being an asshole.

How could parents turn on their own child like that? It had

taken a while for Rocky’s dad to accept the fact his son liked men
instead of women, but he finally figured out being gay didn’t
change who Rocky was. His mother had been more upset about
never having grandchildren from him, though by the time she died
from cancer, she had decided Rocky could adopt.

His phone rang. Checking the caller ID, he grinned. “Hey,

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Pop.”

“Celia called. Said you asked her and Sully to go and identify

Jeremy’s body.”

“Yeah. Drunk driver drove him off the road. Jeremy hit a tree

and died instantly.” He lay back on the bed and stared up at the
ceiling.

“How’s Stephan taking it?” His father had a soft spot for

Stephan.

“I’m not sure it’s entirely sunk in yet. He cried himself to sleep.

I’m letting him rest for as long as possible before we have to get
ready to fly to L.A. We cancelled the last show.”

Pop grunted. “Good. Stephan won’t be in any condition to

perform. Neither will the rest of you. Let me know when the
viewing and funeral is. We’ll come down for it.”

“Thanks, Pop. After the funeral, I’m taking Stephan away for a

while.” He sighed. “He’ll need to grieve and there’s no way he’ll
do it in L.A.”

“You know him better than anyone, son. You be strong for

him.”

“I will.”
“Mr. Sanicily, breakfast is here,” Stone called through the door.
“Hey, I have to go. I’ll call you with the time and stuff.”
“Okay. Love you, son.”
“Love you, too.”
After hanging up, he changed into a pair of jeans and shirt. He

tucked his phone in his back pocket before joining Stone in the
other room. Stan, Amy, and Lee were there as well. He gave them
a slight wave and made up a plate of fruit for Stephan. His friend
wouldn’t feel like eating, but Rocky would leave the food on the
nightstand, just in case he got hungry. Forcing Stephan to eat

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would come later.

“Stephan?” He peeked around the door.
Curled in the same position Rocky left him in, Stephan didn’t

acknowledge him. Rocky could see his eyes were open, but
whether Stephan even knew he was there was debatable.

“I brought you some fruit and a bottle of water.” He set them

on the table and sat next to Stephan, stroking his back. “I know
you don’t feel like eating, but you need to keep your strength up,
sweetheart.”

“Why?”
Stephan’s question was so soft, Rocky almost missed it.
“Why, what?” He trailed his hand over Stephan’s dark curls.
“Why keep my strength up?”
“We don’t want you to get sick. You know what a terrible

patient you are when you’re sick. Almost as bad as I am.” He tried
to smile.

Stephan’s shoulders moved in an apathetic shrug. “It doesn’t

matter anymore.”

Understanding it was the grief talking didn’t make it any easier

for Rocky to hear. “It does matter, Stephan. Mourn for as long as
you need to, but don’t give up. We need you.” He wrapped his
hand around Stephan’s and squeezed. “I need you.”

Stephan didn’t say anything, but he tightened his fingers

around Rocky’s for a second.

“Try to drink and eat something. We’re heading back to L.A. in

a couple of hours. I’ll give you plenty of time to take a shower and
dress.”

“What about the performance tonight? It’s the last one of the

tour.”

Trust Stephan to think about the band, even when swamped

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with grief.

“Amy got them to postpone it. None of us are in the mood to

go onstage tonight.”

Stephan seemed satisfied with that answer.
“I’m going to finish breakfast. Stan, Lee, and Amy are here.

We’ll get everything squared away.”

“I should get up.” Stephan shifted, but made no real effort to

climb out of bed.

Rocky shook his head. “Don’t worry. We’ll make the

arrangements. Just rest.”

Stephan jerked like Rocky had shocked him with electricity.

His swollen blood-shot gaze met Rocky’s. “Arrangements. I have
to make funeral plans for Jeremy.”

Stephan collapsed as silent sobs shook his body. Rocky

gathered him into his arms and trailed his hands over Stephan’s
back.

“Oh, baby, you go ahead and cry. I’m here and I won’t let you

go.”

Seconds, minutes, or hours. Rocky didn’t know how long it

took for Stephan’s tears to abate this time.

“I don’t think I can do it, Rocky,” Stephan admitted.
“If you want, I’ll make all the arrangements. You won’t have to

do anything.”

Stephan grasped at him like a drowning man reaching for a life

preserver. “Thank you. I know you’ll make it perfect. I just can’t
think right now. Everything’s all jumbled in my head.”

As much as Rocky didn’t want to plan Jeremy’s last party, he’d

do it because Stephan needed him to be there for him.

“I know, Stephan. I have one question. What was Jeremy’s

favorite song?”

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“‘Shades of Dreams.’ He always said it was the perfect love

song.”

Rocky’s chest tightened and he gasped. He should have known

Jeremy’s favorite song would be the one Rocky had written as an
outpouring of all the love he’d ever felt for Stephan. He rubbed his
trembling hand over his face. Shit.

“We’ll have it played at the service then.”
And his heart would be carved from his chest with every word

sung.

“Would you sing it? Jeremy always thought you had a

marvelous voice. Used to rag on me about being an attention slut.
He said I should let you sing once in a while.”

Another stab to the heart. Rocky wasn’t sure how many more

he could take before he broke down. Taking a deep breath, he
calmed himself.

God, knowing all the shit Jeremy thought about him wasn’t

important. What was important was making the service as beautiful
and warm as Jeremy was in life.

He cleared the lump from his throat. “I’ll do it.”
“Thanks.”
Rocky patted Stephan’s shoulder and stood before making his

way out of the room. Numb, he dropped to the couch and stared at
the carpet under his feet.

“Rocky?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Stan and Amy spoke at the same time, their concern washing

over him.

Was he okay? He had to plan his best friend’s lover’s funeral

and sing the love song he’d written for said best friend. Stephan
had never guessed the profession of love in that song was Rocky’s,

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yet everything pointed to the fact Jeremy might have guessed.

Fuck, everything is so fucking screwed up. Rocky wanted to

run away back to his parents’ house, hide under his blankets in his
old room, and convince himself none of this happened.

“Rock?” Lee’s voice and touch on his knee focused his

rabbiting thoughts.

He looked up. “Stephan wants me to sing at Jeremy’s service.”
Amy and Stan nodded, but something flashed in Lee’s eyes

before the keyboardist nodded as well.

“Makes sense. Aside from Stephan, you’re the only one of us

who really got to know Jeremy.” Stan stood and set his empty plate
on the room service cart. He dug out a notebook and pen from his
back pocket.

“Even though he never said it aloud, you were the only one

Stephan trusted to know he was gay.” Amy waved her hand in a
vague gesture. “We all guessed, but he only felt safe with you,
Rocky.”

“We’ve been friends since junior high. Stephan can trust me

with any secret.” He scrubbed his palms over his jeans. “I wonder
why he never came out and spoke the words out loud?”

Rocky had often asked himself this question. Stephan never

said the words, but he never had a problem kissing or touching
Jeremy in front of Rocky.

“He probably didn’t think he needed to say anything to you.

Who would know him best?” Lee stared at Stephan’s door.
“Besides, once the words are spoken, there’s no taking them back.”

Lee was right. The spoken word was the hardest thing to take

back or forget. Words lingered and circled around, never forgotten,
even when never allowed the light of day again.

Stan fell into a chair and propped his feet on the coffee table.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“Okay, let’s make a list of things that need to be done. Aside from
planning the actual service, Rocky, your only job is to keep
Stephan functioning through this. Five days at the most and then he
can fall apart.” He glanced up from his notebook. “I assume you’ll
be taking him somewhere afterward?”

Nodding, Rocky shot a look at Stone. “Arrangements are being

made.”

“Good. Let’s get going. We’ll be organized enough to get the

ball rolling when we land in LA.”

Rocky didn’t contribute much to the overall conversation. His

mind raced with thoughts about the service. Jeremy had attended a
small Unitarian church in Malibu where he and Stephan shared a
condo. Rocky had gone there a few times. Coming from a Catholic
background, the laidback Unitarian service surprised him the first
time he’d gone, but he enjoyed the open mindedness of the
congregation.

He tugged out his phone and punched the speed dial for his

sister.

“Oh, Rocky, how are you all holding up?” Celia’s voice

sounded like she’d been crying.

“We’re hanging in there, Ce. I wanted to thank you and Sully

for identifying Jeremy.”

“It’s what families do, Rocky.”
His sister meant Stephan had been a part of the Sanicily family

since Rocky brought the orphan home in junior high. Mom and
Pop considered him another son. When Jeremy and Stephan started
seeing each other, Mom was gone, but Pop and Celia opened their
arms to include Jeremy into the family. Rocky knew his death hit
them hard as well.

“I need a couple more favors. Amy’s arranging for Wilson

SHADES OF DREAMS

Funeral Home in Malibu to pick up Jeremy’s body. We’re going to
have the viewing there. What I’d like you to do is go pick out a
coffin. Both Stephan and Jeremy always liked your taste.”

A soft hiccup sounded in his ear before Celia said, “Okay.”
“Secondly, can you call the First Unitarian Church in Malibu

and see if Pastor Susan has the time to meet me tonight. I need to
know if the church is available for the service and I need her help
planning it.”

“I can do that. I’ll call you later with the time.”
“Thanks, Ce. Remember money doesn’t matter.” A thought hit

him. “Shit. We’ll need a gravestone.”

“Already on the list.” Stan waved the paper at him.
“When did you get organized?”
Stan flipped him the finger, and he laughed.
“So you’re planning the service?” Ce asked.
“Yeah. Stephan asked me, plus he wants me to sing ‘Shades of

Dreams.’ He said it was Jeremy’s favorite song.”

“Fuck.” Lee snarled and stood, tossing down his pen before

stalking out onto the balcony of the suite.

“Oh, Rocky, are you okay with that?” Ce sounded unsure.
“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” He tensed. Did she know?
“I know how much you hate singing in front of people.” Ce’s

affectionate tone relaxed him.

“I sing in front of thousands of people all the time.”
She laughed. “No, you don’t. Singing back-up while hiding

behind your drums doesn’t count.”

“I have to do it. For Jeremy. He was my friend as well as

Stephan’s lover.”

She sighed. “I know, and we’ll be there for you.”
Rocky closed his eyes. “I love you, Ce. Give Sully a hug for

SHADES OF DREAMS

me and I’ll talk to you later.”

He hung up and threw his phone on the table as he went past.

Stepping out on the balcony, he spotted Lee leaning against the
railing, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. Rocky joined Lee and
rested his elbows on the brick wall.

“A gorgeous view. I wonder why I’ve never taken the time to

actually stand out here.”

Lee grunted, and they continued to stare over the lake the hotel

bordered. He bumped Lee’s shoulder with his own.

“What’s wrong, Lee?”
“We depend on you too much.”
Frowning, Rocky shrugged. “I’m not sure I get what you

mean.”

“No matter what, we turn to you to take care of everything for

us. Whether it’s dealing with Kathy or planning Jeremy’s funeral.”

“It’s what I do and I don’t mind.”
“Of course you don’t mind. Maybe if you minded, we wouldn’t

assume you’d make everything better for the rest of us. Stephan
takes advantage of you.”

Rocky tensed. “Come on. His lover just died. We have to cut

him some slack.”

“Sure.” Lee crushed out his cigarette and dropped it in the

ashtray. “I’m going to finish packing. The roadies and instruments
headed back to LA earlier.”

He let Lee walk away. Something else was bothering Lee, but

Rocky didn’t have the energy to dig further. He’d get them through
the next few days, then they would split for a few months. Stan
would head for the Loops in British Columbia. Lee would
disappear into China Town in New York and he’d take Stephan to
Tennessee.

SHADES OF DREAMS

Stephan was sitting next to Amy when Rocky went back inside.

He stroked his hand over Stephan’s shoulder. “Are you hungry?”

Stephan seemed to be thinking. He finally shook his head. “No.

I ate that plate you brought me.”

“Good.”
Stan grabbed Amy and yanked her to her feet. “We’re going to

pack. Meet you in the lobby in thirty?”

Rocky nodded in agreement. Stone gave him a questioning

look after the others left.

“Call Bill and have him bring the limo to the front in thirty.

Could you take our bags down for us?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll leave your guitar up here for you to bring down.”
“Thanks, Stone. We’ll meet you down there.”
They sat quietly, waiting for Stone to leave. Once the door shut

behind the bodyguard, Stephan met Rocky’s gaze. “They all
know?”

“Considering your reaction when you heard the news, yes, they

know.”

Stephan played with a pen left on the coffee table and

shrugged. “It’s not like I was hiding or anything. I just never
thought it mattered.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me. Not everyone wants their

personal business out there for all to see.”

“How did he die?”
Rocky sat next to Stephan and wrapped his arm around

Stephan’s shoulders. “A drunk driver forced him off the road and
he hit a tree.”

Stephan shuddered, but asked, “Did he suffer?”
“No, he didn’t.” He didn’t want to get into the details. Maybe

someday he would tell Stephan all the police told him, but he

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didn’t think his friend needed to know.

Leaning against him, Stephan stayed focused on the floor.

“Thank God for that, I guess. Are we going home?”

“Yeah. Stone’s bosses are loaning us their jet. That way we

don’t have to charter one or take a commercial flight.” Rocky
squeezed Stephan’s shoulders again before standing. “Let’s get
you packed and we’ll go home.”

“It’s not home anymore, Rocky. Jeremy’s not going to be there

waiting for me.”

Stephan retreated to his room, and Rocky didn’t have anything

to say. Guess they would have to go house hunting when they got
back from their vacation. Maybe he could convince Stephan to
check out Carmel.

Rocky loved the beach and his house there. After the stress of a

tour or recording an album, it was relaxing to sit and listen to the
waves hit the sand. There weren’t as many people there as there
were in Malibu.
He heard the shower kick on and sighed. Of course, Stephan would
want a shower before they left. Rocky’s guitar case rested near the
hallway door. After getting his guitar out, he dug out his song
notebook and a pencil. There was a song floating around his head.
He wanted to get it down or at least the base of it on paper.

I love you beyond words,
Beyond any ability for
My tongue to say.

I need you beyond thought,
Beyond any chance of
Being independent anymore.

SHADES OF DREAMS

You stole my heart
When I wasn’t looking
And hid it away.

You gave me yours
In return to keep
Forever and a day.

Each day I forget
You weren’t always
With me.

And every minute
I pray for just one
More to spend with you.

“Is that new?”
Looking up, Rocky spotted Stephan leaning in the doorway,

hands tucked in the back pockets of his jeans with a soft smile on
his face.

Rocky’s cheeks heated and he put the guitar away. “Yeah.

Been rolling it around in my head for the past week.”

“You gonna let us get a shot at it or are you gonna sell it to a

bigger named band?” Stephan gave him a mock glare.

“Don’t know yet. I’ll have to see how it turns out.”
Not all the songs he wrote were good enough for Chaos Score

and Stephan’s voice. Those were the ones he allowed other artists
to purchase and record. Rocky performed with the band because he
wanted to, not because he needed to. His songs were in high

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demand.

“You haven’t written any new stuff lately,” Stephan

commented.

“We’ll be on vacation soon. I’ll have all the time in the world

to write songs.”

“Jeremy used to say that.” Instantly, the brightness in Stephan’s

eyes faded and bleakness set in.

Rocky snatched up his stuff and gestured for Stephan to grab

his bag.

They had a plane to catch. A grim task lay ahead. Burying a

friend and a lover. After that, trying to move on.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 3

“Shades of dreams shining
Some black; some white
Some in techno-color light.

Shades of dreams drifting
Through my mind.
Sharing my soul.
Covering my love
In shades of dreams.”

Rocky’s voice faded away along with the haunting melody of

his acoustic guitar. He kept his eyes closed for a moment longer,
letting the silence fill his mind and the gravesite.

SHADES OF DREAMS

Soft sobs drifted on the cool sea breeze. Was it Amy, Celia, or

one of the hundreds of other people who filled the chairs at
Jeremy’s graveside service? The one person Rocky knew it wasn’t
was Stephan.

The last time his friend spoke had been when they arrived in

Malibu and he refused to go to the house he’d shared with Jeremy.
They ended up staying with Celia and Sully. Stephan had gone
silent, only eating or moving when Rocky forced him.

Rocky wasn’t sure if Stephan even slept. Whenever he checked

on him, Stephan would be sitting in Rocky’s grandmother’s
rocking chair, wrapped in a quilt and staring out the window.
Sometimes Rocky would sit at Stephan’s feet and lay his hand on
his best friend’s knee, trying to comfort with his touch. Stephan’s
expression wouldn’t change, but he would hold Rocky’s hand like
it was a lifeline, saving him from the darkness of despair.

Pastor Susan cleared her throat, and Rocky opened his eyes to

meet her sympathetic gaze. He set his guitar aside before making
his way back to the front row where Stephan huddled. Rocky set
his arm around Stephan’s shoulder and the slender man cuddled
into him, seeming to seek the warmth of Rocky’s body to ease his
chills. A low whimper teased Rocky’s ear.

“Hush, darling,” he murmured, embracing Stephan tight. “It’s

almost over.”

He shot a worried glance at his father who sat on Stephan’s

left. Pop gave him a grim shrug, but his pat to Rocky’s hand was
gentle.

He didn’t remember the rest of the service, only that it was

over shortly after he sang. He knew the people who came would
want to express their sympathies to Stephan. As they stood,
Stephan leaned so heavily on Rocky that he knew Stephan was in

SHADES OF DREAMS

no condition to talk to anyone.

Turning to his father, he asked, “Would you and Celia take

Stephan back to the house?”

Pop nodded and reached out to ease Stephan away from Rocky.

“What about you?”

“I’ll be the stand-in, let everyone tell me how sorry they are

and what a great guy Jeremy was. Amy and the guys said they’d
deal with the funeral dinner.”

Stephan stiffened in protest and tried burrowing his way back

into Rocky’s arms. Rocky moved them away from the gathering
crowd. Stone and Bill ensured no one followed.

When they were out of earshot, Rocky lifted Stephan’s chin

and stared down at his friend. Stephan’s eyes were almost swollen
shut from the constant stream of tears welling in his eyes and
trailing down his cheeks. So much pain and heartache and Rocky
couldn’t take any of it away.

“I want you to go with Pop back to Ce’s house. You don’t need

to deal with them.” He nodded back in the direction of the crowd.

Stephan winced. Rocky tugged out a handkerchief and wiped

Stephan’s face dry.

“Go and get some rest. We’re leaving tomorrow, so you can

grieve in peace.”

Again no sound, but Stephan grimaced and nodded.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he promised.
The photographers kept at bay by Malibu police officers

shouted questions and snapped pictures as Pop hustled Stephan
into one of the waiting limos. Bill went with them, along with
Celia and Sully.

Rocky tugged down his cuffs and scrubbed his hand over his

head.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“Sir?” Stone’s voice was low, but Rocky heard it over the

murmurs of the others.

“I’m ready.”
Turning, he plastered a solemn expression on his face and went

to greet the other mourners.

By the time the last group left for the church, Rocky’s hand

ached and his cheeks were sore. He’d lost patience a while ago and
only managed to be civil for Jeremy’s sake. Jeremy was dead, so
why did it matter if Rocky was nice to them or not?

“Thank God, that’s over,” he mumbled, staring at the top of the

oak coffin in the hole. “I hope you could see this from wherever
you are now, Jeremy. A lot of people loved you. I just wish your
family had come.”

“They did.”
Rocky whirled at the sound of that terse comment. A tall man

stood near him, his gaze pinned on the flower-draped coffin.

“Who are you?” Rocky demanded, and Stone moved closer.
“I’m Hal McCormic, Jeremy’s older brother. Not sure if he

mentioned me or not.”

Rocky snarled. “Sure, he told me all about his older brother

whom he idolized more than anyone else. Do you know how
crushed he was when he never heard from you after your parents
disowned him? He figured you felt the same way they did.”

Dark brown eyes, so much like Jeremy’s, met his and the lost

look in them almost melted Rocky’s heart.

“I was in Afghanistan when he came out. My parents never

mentioned it to me. Whenever I asked, they told me he was busy. I
wondered why I wasn’t getting any letters from him, but mail
service was spotty over there.”

“That was three years ago. Why didn’t you look for him when

SHADES OF DREAMS

you got home?” Anger swelled in Rocky. He didn’t understand any
family who would cut out their child like that.

“When I was finally state-side, I had to learn how to walk and

talk again. As much as I worried about him, I had to survive first.”

Rocky tamped down his outrage to study Hal. His skin had a

sickly pallor and he had obviously lost weight. A scar, artfully
hidden by brown curls, graced Hal’s left temple and he grasped a
cane with a white-knuckled grip. “I’m sorry.”

Ashamed, Rocky gestured to two folding chairs the cemetery

crew hadn’t picked up yet.

“Don’t be. You had no way of knowing about me. All you

knew was Jeremy’s family abandoned him.” Hal sat with a
relieved sigh. “Still aches after I’ve stood for a while.”

“How’d you find out about Jeremy? When I called your father,

he said Jeremy was already dead to them. I can’t imagine he told
you.”

“I had a private investigator searching for Jeremy since I got

out of the hospital. He saw Jeremy’s obit, and I confronted my
dad.” Hal curled his upper lip in scorn. “Bastard told me Jeremy
got what he deserved.”

“Your father’s lucky I’m not anywhere near him. Jeremy didn’t

deserve to be treated that way.” Rocky clenched his hands.

“No one deserves to be treated like that, especially not by a

self-righteous bigot like him.” Hall shifted in his chair, rubbing his
left knee. “I told him I should’ve died as well if fags deserved it. I
hit him and left.”

Rocky eyed the man sitting next to him. “He’s probably

wondering what he did wrong to get two gay sons.”

Hal’s laughter was harsh. “He’s probably blaming my mother.”
“I’m glad you made it, Hal, even though I wish you could have

SHADES OF DREAMS

re-connected instead of burying Jeremy.”

Hal leaned back and sighed. “I took too long. I should’ve

started looking for him before I got out of the hospital.”

“Stephan will want to talk to you at some point. Unfortunately,

I don’t think he’s ready for that yet.”

“Stephan, the guy you sent away?”
Rocky nodded. “Yes. He and Jeremy got together about three

years ago. Shortly after your parents threw him out and our band
hit the big time. It was beautiful how much they loved each other.”

And he was a bastard for feeling even a hint of jealousy at that

love. Especially now that it was cut short before Stephan and
Jeremy could grow old together. The pain in Rocky’s chest came
from realizing that if Jeremy had lived, he would never have been
with Stephan. Not that he was with him now, but still the guilt ate
at him.

“I never got the slightest hint Stephan Colby was gay.”
Rocky stood, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stared out

over the headstones. “He hid it well and he’s very private. God
knows, all the publicity is going to kill him when he digs out of his
sorrow.”

“You’ve been friends with him for a long time, huh?”
“Since we were kids.” Rocky checked his watch. “I have to get

back. Do you have a place to stay while you’re here?”

Hal gained his feet slowly. “I’m staying in a hotel in town. I

haven’t decided what I’m going to do now. I’m not a soldier
anymore.”

Rocky thought for a moment before offering, “You can stay at

my place in Carmel or I have a condo in LA you can use.”

They strolled down the hillside to the road where Stone waited

for Rocky by the car.

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“Why would you offer me your place? You don’t really know

me.”

Stopping by the vehicle, Rocky stared back at Jeremy’s grave.

“Jeremy was a friend of mine. I don’t want you not to have a place
to stay.”

“What about you? Won’t you need one of them?”
“No. I’m taking Stephan away on vacation tomorrow. He needs

privacy. Definitely won’t find that here.”

“I’ll take you up on the LA place. Might be able to find a job

while I’m there.”

Hal offered his hand, and Rocky shook it.
“Stone, do you have a pen and paper?”
The bodyguard pulled out what Rocky asked for and he

scribbled down Ce’s number.

“This is my sister’s number. Call her when you want to go to

LA. She or her husband will set you up there. Take your time and
don’t worry about moving out. I usually spent my time in
California in Carmel. I only use the LA place when we’re working
on a record.”

Hal stuck the paper in his pocket. “Thanks again. When

Stephan’s stronger, I’d like to talk to him. Maybe share some
stories about Jeremy.”

“I’ll let him know.”
Rocky waved and slid into the car with Stone.
::Thank you.::
Rocky jerked and threw a wild glance around.
“Are you okay, sir?” Stone eyed him with concern.
“Yeah. Just thought I saw something.”
::It was a beautiful funeral, and I appreciate you singing that

song for me.::

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Shit. Jeremy was haunting him. Rocky thought the dream he’d

had was bad, but now he was hearing Jeremy’s voice right after
they buried the man.

::I haven’t left yet. I’m afraid I’m stuck here until I make sure

Stephan is okay.::

::I’ll make sure he’s fine, Jeremy. You know that.::
Jeremy’s sigh sounded like a soft breeze through the car

window. ::I do know that, but my heart isn’t certain until I see
Stephan smile and mean it.::

::I’m taking him away. You do realize I’m going to try and win

his heart after he’s done grieving for you.:: And why did that
make him feel like complete shit?

A laugh danced around Rocky’s head. ::You have my blessing,

Rocky. I wish I could still be there, but I can’t. You’ve loved him
forever. It’s time you get to tell him the truth. I have to go now.::

Relief hit him and he drooped, leaning his head against the cool

window.

“Everything is set for us to leave tomorrow,” Stone informed

him as they drove away.

“Good.” Rocky rested his head back on his seat and sighed.

“I’m glad this part is over with. I think I’m looking forward to this
getaway more than Stephan is,” he admitted.

Stone snorted. “I don’t think Mr. Colby cares about anything at

the moment. You could send him to Antarctica and he wouldn’t
complain.”

Rocky couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re right. I hope this trip

helps him. I don’t expect his grief to disappear, but he’s shut down
and I want him to start functioning again.”

“He will. It’ll just take time.” Stone headed for Ce’s house.

“He’s lucky to have you as a friend.”

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Staring out the window, he didn’t reply. Frustration and guilt

warred in him. Christ, the way everyone went on about how good a
friend he was to Stephan, one would think he gave the man a
kidney or something. He blinked back tears from his eyes. His
heart fucking hurt. He’d give up everything to have Jeremy alive
and Stephan back the way he used to be. He missed his best
friend’s smile and laughter.

Jeremy had made Stephan happy in a way Rocky never could

or had never tried to do. Why had Jeremy been taken away? Anger
swelled in him at the senselessness of Jeremy’s death.

“I’ll be here at seven tomorrow morning to pick you up.”
The car was stopped in front of Ce’s house and Rocky

wondered how long they had been there. He climbed out and bent
down to nod at the bodyguard through the open window.

Rocky stared at Ce’s front door as Stone left. Glancing after the

car, he had the strongest urge to call Stone back and jump in,
asking Stone to drive him away.

He wanted to go back to his own house in Carmel. Waves

hitting the shore and sunshine waking him up in the morning
instead of the squeal of his nieces and nephews. Burying his head
in his pillow until it was time to go back into the studio sounded
better and better every day.

The door opened and his brother-in-law wandered out. “Are

you coming in any time soon?” Sully held up a bottle in his
direction.

“Would you tackle me if I took off running?” he asked, but

strolled up the walkway to the porch.

“Hell, yes. I’d hunt your ass down. No way are you leaving

Stephan with us. No matter what Ce says.”

Rocky took the beer and swallowed half the bottle before

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sitting on the top step. Leaning back on his elbows, he dangled the
bottle as he stared out into the street. “Not into playing
nursemaid?”

Sully shrugged. “Maybe if we didn’t have kids and the kinds of

jobs we do, I wouldn’t have a problem. We take care of our own,
you know, but this is something that’s going to take time, and we
don’t have any extra.”

“I wouldn’t leave him anyway, Sully. Even if my beach is

looking better every minute.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking and watching

the twilight settle around them. Rocky finished his beer and set the
bottle on the porch. “Is Stephan sleeping?”

Sully grabbed the empties and pushed to his feet. “He went to

his room as soon as we got here. Whether he’s resting or not, I
have no idea.”

Rocky stood and brushed off his pants. “I should go check on

him.”

“Are you ever going to tell him?”
“Tell him what?” Rocky feigned innocence.
“You know what. You’ve let so many years and opportunities

go by. This might be your last chance.”

Shaking his head, Rocky opened the door and stepped inside.

There was no answer he could give to his brother-in-law. At least
none the man would believe.

He might have made up his mind to tell Stephan when the

man’s mourning was over…and he might have gotten the green
light from the imaginary voice of Stephan’s dead lover, but Rocky
wasn’t going to get his hopes up that Stephan would ever love him
as anything more than a friend.

Ce appeared from the kitchen. She hugged him before pushing

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him toward the stairs. “Go check on Stephan and change. I have
dinner ready.”

He stared up the stairs, stopping halfway to glance back at Ce

and Sully. “Have any of the guys called?”

“Yeah. Lee called. He said everything went well and everyone

understood Stephan not being at the dinner. They’re all heading
out on their vacations tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”
Rocky peeked into Stephan’s room and shoved the door open

when he saw the empty bed. Stephan wasn’t there. Before he
panicked, he went across the hall to the room he used. Stephan lay,
wrapped around Rocky’s pillow, breathing softly and his eyes
closed. Rocky shut the door quietly and undressed. He pulled out a
pair of cargo shorts and a T-shirt.

While he dressed, he eyed Stephan’s sleeping form. Once they

got to Tennessee, he planned on not letting Stephan sleep the day
away. He would allow his friend to mourn, but not to shut himself
away from living.

He leaned over and brushed a kiss over Stephan’s temple,

catching the hint of tears on the man’s cheeks. Stephan cried even
in his dreams.

* * *

The click of the door shutting drew Stephan out of his dreams.

Blinking, he stared over the pillow clutched in his arms and tried to
figure out where he was. A familiar muffled laugh clued him in,
plus a scent filled his nose as he breathed. Rocky.

He was in Rocky’s bed at Ce’s house. Rolling onto his back, he

closed his eyes and prayed to go back to sleep. At least while he

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slept, he could pretend Jeremy was there with him. Tears brimmed
and leaked under his eyelids, trailing down his cheeks to soak into
his hair.

He had no energy. No interest in moving, breathing, or even

thinking. Stephan remembered nothing about the trip from their
last concert stop to Malibu. He had a vague memory of melting
down when Rocky tried to get him to go to his house. It wasn’t his
house anymore. Jeremy wasn’t there to greet him with a smile and
a kiss. There wouldn’t be any more long soaks in their bathtub,
drifting on music and candlelight until the passion got too much
and they had to make love.

Pressure built in Stephan’s chest and he pressed his hand to his

mouth, biting down to keep the screams in. Christ, he’d been cut
into bleeding pieces and scattered around the world with no hope
of ever rebuilding his life. What was the point? Jeremy wasn’t
alive. What right did Stephan have to go on when Jeremy, his
beautiful Jeremy, was gone from the planet?

Another muted laugh crashed into Stephan and he wanted to

curse them. How dare they laugh and continue to live while Jeremy
was entombed underground? So cold and alone…like Stephan.

He thought about the bottle of pills tucked into his shaving kit.

He knew Rocky hadn’t found it because his friend would have
gone off on his ass about it. Each time Stephan pulled out those
pills out and stared at them, contemplating ending his pain,
something drew him away from the edge.

There had been times during his life he had considered the

ultimate “fuck you” to the world. Being thrown away by your
parents for no reason except they loved their drugs more than they
did their own child tended to screw people up. He never spoke of
his family, not even to Rocky. Only saying that he was an

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orphan…which was true as far as he was concerned.

Yet just like now, something would pull him away from the

darkness. When he was younger, it was Rocky who reached out,
grabbed him, and forced him out of the black depression he often
found himself in. Was it still Rocky who called to him? Whose
voice he heard now every time he held those pills in his hand?

For three years, it had been Jeremy who held him in the night

while his nightmares haunted him and drove him to scream out
loud. Before that, Rocky had been there to talk him down. Now
with Jeremy gone, Rocky would have to go back to being
Stephan’s anchor in the riotous world they lived in. Shit! He’d
been getting stronger. Not needing either man as much as he once
did. He’d gotten to the point where he loved them for who they
were, not how much support they gave him. Hell, Rocky was his
best friend, and Jeremy had been Stephan’s first love.

Oh, God! A knife slice of pain ripped through Stephan and he

whimpered, not sure how to let the pain out without coming totally
unglued, which was hard to do when all of his soul was like a
spilled jigsaw puzzle with parts all over the floor. He’d fallen apart
the minute Amy told him about Jeremy.

He didn’t know how long he drifted in the sea of grief and

sorrow. Murmuring voices outside the bedroom door alerted him to
the fact that dinner must be done. Would Rocky bring him a plate
of food and feed him bites of it? He didn’t understand why Rocky
cared so much. It didn’t make sense to Stephan for his friend to put
so much time and effort into keeping Stephan fed and aware of
what was going on around him. Why didn’t Rocky just let him sink
into the black pit of despair swirling at his feet?

Stephan snorted silently. God, how melodramatic. Even he

could admit that was over the top. Yes, Jeremy was dead, but

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Stephan knew in his deepest soul he would survive and go on.
Jeremy wouldn’t have wanted him to stop living just because
Jeremy’s life had ended. At the moment, though, Stephan couldn’t
seem to claw his way out of the pain burrowing into his heart.

The door opened and someone stepped in. Stephan inhaled

deeply, his stomach growling at the scent of spaghetti sauce. Wow,
Ce had gone all out for dinner. Homemade sauce and garlic bread.
More importantly, it was Rocky who carried the plate. Stephan
could smell the cologne his friend had used since they were fifteen.
No matter how much money they made, Rocky stayed the same.

Stephan’s mind whirled as his thoughts skipped from one thing

to another. There wasn’t really any kind of connecting thread
except Jeremy was gone. That loss colored everything Stephan
thought or felt.

The mattress dipped as Rocky sat down next to him. “I brought

you up some food.”

He shook his head. Not even Ce’s spaghetti would taste good.

Everything tasted like sawdust. Not that he knew what sawdust
tasted like since he’d never tried any, but he imagined it would
taste like the food he’d eaten lately.

Rocky sighed, and Stephan heard how tired his friend was. He

wanted to do what Rocky asked, but there wasn’t any need in him
to eat, plus he didn’t think he had the energy to sit up and chew.

He bit his lip as Rocky set the plate down on the nightstand

next to the bed and stroked a hand over his hair. It was a gesture
uniquely Rocky’s. Jeremy would have grabbed him and forced him
to sit up. Not meanly or anything like that, but Jeremy hadn’t let
him get away with anything. Jeremy forced him to face the
problems in his life head on.

Rocky was different. Rocky coaxed and pleaded. Often he

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guilted Stephan into doing things Stephan swore he’d never do. Of
course, he’d always end up enjoying whatever it was Rocky
wanted from him. For being a big burly guy, Rocky had an
amazing amount of finesse in him, especially when it came to
Stephan.

“Ah, honey, will you try to eat just a little for me? I know it’s

hard not having Jeremy around. I know you miss him. Hell, I miss
him, too, and I didn’t love him like you did.”

Stephan grimaced into the pillow. God, he hated having his

selfishness pointed out to him, even accidentally. Yes, he knew
Rocky hurt…maybe not as much as Stephan, but still, Rocky and
Jeremy had been friends. Sighing, he rolled onto his back, shooting
Rocky a glance.

“Good. Let me help you sit up and you can try some of Ce’s

spaghetti. She knows it’s your favorite.”

Stephan stared down at the plate of spaghetti, covered in red

sauce and freshly grated cheese and sobbed. It had been Jeremy’s
favorite as well. Rocky took the plate away, setting it Stephan
didn’t know where because his vision was blurred with tears.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Rocky whispered as he took Stephan into his

arms and pulled him close, “keep crying. Someday the tears will
end and you’ll be able to remember him without the pain.”

Burying his head against Rocky’s chest, Stephan breathed in

Rocky’s scent and wondered when his friend had started calling
him honey and sweetheart. Also, when did Rocky become so wise?

::He’s always been wise, love.::
Christ! He was going crazy. He’d been hearing Jeremy’s voice

since the day he found out his lover had died.

::I know. There are no such things as spirits or ghosts. I’m

probably just your sub-conscious trying to tell you something. But

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I’m not going to tell you to look under the red T-shirt in the third
drawer of your dresser. What I am going to tell you is this…your
future is right in front of you. You just have to work out the grief
before letting it in.::

::But I don’t want to let you go.::
::You have to, love. I can’t stay here. I’m bound for a different

place, but you won’t ever be alone. You weren’t alone before I met
you. There’s someone who loves you so much. You just have to
open your heart to see that.::

::I don’t want to love anyone but you.::
The snort echoing around his head sounded just like Jeremy;

Stephan resisted the urge to look around the room to see if the man
stood there and the last few days had all been a nightmare.

::Of course, you’ll love someone else. The human heart has an

infinite amount of space for love. Just because you fall in love with
someone else doesn’t mean you’ll love me any less. I don’t want
you to seal yourself away from happiness because you don’t want
to be hurt again. That’s no way to live.::

::I don’t want to live without you.::
::Stop being so dramatic, Stephan. Of course, you’ll go on

without me. You didn’t die. I did, and now, to honor my last
wishes, you’ll start joining the world instead of letting Rocky take
care of you. The man’s exhausted. He hasn’t slept a full night since
I died.::

Stephan peeked up at Rocky and spied the dark circles under

his friend’s eyes and the lines of exhaustion bracketing his mouth.
Shit! He was the world’s most selfish fucking friend ever. He
pushed out of Rocky’s arms and reached for the plate of food. The
least he could do was eat. Maybe it would ease Rocky’s worries
enough for the man to sleep that night.

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“Thank you.” Rocky smiled and settled on the bed close to

Stephan’s side.

::Thank you, love.::
He almost choked on his food as the pain welled in him, but he

swallowed the lump down, bringing another forkful to his mouth.
Stephan had a feeling the healing part of sorrow was beginning.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 4

Stephan blinked and, for the first time since hearing the news

about Jeremy, he truly registered his surroundings. He sat on a
rock at the edge of a clearing where a stream bubbled past. The
sunlight soaked into his body, warming him in a way that only
being held in someone’s arms did. Raising his face to the sky, he
let a smile grace his lips. Splashing drew his gaze to the stream and
the sight greeting him brought a rusty chuckle from his throat.

Rocky sprawled in the middle of the riverbed, clothes plastered

to his body and hair dripping wet. The outraged expression on his
friend’s face caused Stephan to laugh again. A brilliant smile broke
over Rocky’s face as he scrambled out of the water to land at
Stephan’s feet.

“Hey there.”

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Grinning down at Rocky, Stephan reached out and ran his hand

over Rocky’s short dark hair. Rocky’s eyes widened, and Stephan
realized this was the first time he consciously touched Rocky in
over two months.

“Your hair is getting long.”
Rocky scrubbed his own hand over his head and nodded.

“Yeah. Figured we’re not on tour anymore. Might as well grow it
out.”

That didn’t surprise Stephan. Rocky didn’t like dealing with

how hot and sweaty his hair got every night during a performance,
so his friend shaved his head. He always thought Rocky was just as
good-looking with hair as he was bald.

He glanced around them, not wanting to pursue that train of

thought. “Where are we?”

“Smoky Mountains in Tennessee.”
“Seriously?” He shot Rocky a skeptical look.
“Scout’s honor.”
Rocky had never been a Scout, but Stephan didn’t bring it up.
“Why are we here?” A horrifying idea hit him. “We’re not

going country, are we?”

Rocky burst out laughing, clutching his stomach as he rolled on

the ground. Stephan stared at him, trying to frown, but not able to
because of the picture his best friend made, lying there, covered in
dirt, leaves, and grass. He nudged Rocky’s knee with his foot.

“Done?”
“Oh, man, if you could’ve seen your face,” Rocky gasped,

spread-eagle, with his chest heaving.

“Okay, jackass, why are we in Tennessee?”
“It’d serve you right if I said the band decided to record a

country album next. Country is perfectly respectable and some of it

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is damn good.”

Stephan shook his head. Rocky had such eclectic taste in

music. A person could find just about every genre of music on the
man’s iPod. Stephan didn’t like country for the most part. Of
course, he liked rock…any kind of rock. At times, the harder the
better as far as he was concerned.

“Only the singers who use your songs,” he conceded. “Give me

rock any day.”

Rocky sat up and patted Stephan’s leg. “I know. Don’t worry.

We’re here because I figured you needed an out-of-the-way place
to grieve. Stone offered us the use of his family’s cabin.”

“Stone?”
“One of our bodyguards for the last tour.”
“You always get closer to them than I do.”
He stood and stumbled to the edge of the stream, sitting and

dangling his feet in the cold water. Rocky joined him, bumping
their shoulders together as they did so.

“You don’t go out and get in trouble like the rest of us while

we’re on tour,” Rocky teased. “Stone and Bill don’t have to beat
off the rabid fans at clubs for you.”

“You hate clubs, so why do you go to them?”
Rocky shrugged. “I go to keep Stan and Lee from getting into

too much trouble. You know those two can find trouble in their
hotel room without any problem.”

“Yeah, right. You cause just as much trouble as they do.”

Stephan gathered some small rocks and began tossing them into
the water, watching the ripples flow out from the impact site.
“How long have we been here?”

“Two weeks or so. We came here right after the funeral.”
Sadness slammed into him, but instead of burying it, he

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accepted the pain. He blinked and wondered if he had any more
tears to cry. Or had he used them all in the weeks since Jeremy
died?

“Jeremy’s really dead, isn’t he?”
Rocky settled his arm around Stephan’s waist and leaned his

chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, honey.”

He nodded, but stayed silent. Rocky poked him in the side, and

he glanced at his friend. The songwriter pointed toward the other
side of the stream. A single deer stood there, head up, staring at
them.

“Look behind her,” Rocky whispered so low Stephan almost

didn’t hear him.

Searching the trees behind the doe, he spied a small fawn, its

dappled coat allowing it to blend into the foliage.

“I wish Jeremy was here. He’d love this.”
Again his loss slammed into him and he jerked, causing the doe

to snort in alarm and whirl around, disappearing into the forest
with her fawn. Stephan slid away from Rocky and propped his chin
on his knees. “I want to be alone.”

“All right.” Rocky stood, brushed off his jeans, and pointed to

his left. “The trail back to the cabin is over there. If you’re not
back at three, I’m coming to check on you.”

“I won’t kill myself.”
Jeremy would be furious if he killed himself over his death.
::Damn right. There’s a lot more left for you to do in your life.

One more person to love.::

Stephan closed his eyes to the echo of Jeremy’s voice in his

head. ::You’re not real. What if I don’t want to love anyone else?::

::Don’t shut yourself away from love being offered, especially

by someone who has never let you down. He’s never left you, no

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matter what you’ve done to him or when you’ve turned away from
him.::

“I know, but I worry about you, so humor me.” Rocky barely

brushed the top of Stephan’s head with his hand.

“Fine. I’ll be back by three.”
“Thank you.”
::Good for you, Stephan.::
He grimaced at the words as he listened to Rocky’s footsteps

fade away. Slowly the silence filled with birds singing, insects
buzzing, and the stream rushing by. It was so different from the
overly energetic noises that surrounded him in Malibu.

Was that why Rocky had brought him here? To mourn and to

make peace with Jeremy’s death in an idyllic Eden, hidden
somewhere in the mountains in Tennessee.

His best friend knew him so well. Stephan’s house held too

many memories of Jeremy and their life together. Three years had
seemed like a long time a couple of months ago when he had
teased Jeremy about their anniversary. Now it wasn’t nearly long
enough.

::They were the best three years of my life, Stephan. You taught

me that I was lovable. And your friends treated me like family.
Something I never really had before.::

“Rocky’s family is good at sucking you in. It’s almost like

they’ve never met a person they didn’t like,” he muttered aloud.

::It took you a long time to accept the way they care for you.::
“True, but how could a family like that be real? No one takes in

a strange kid just because their own child likes him.”

::I enjoyed all the times we spent with them. Thank you for

welcoming me into your world, Stephan.::

Rage welled in him. How dare Jeremy die on him? All those

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plans they had for expanding their house, or going on a long road
trip once the tour was done. None of them were going to happen
because Jeremy got himself killed by a fucking drunk driver.

::Sorry, love. I’d change things if I could.::
The snapping of a twig brought Stephan back to his senses.

Glancing around, he realized he had been standing, hands clenched
and head thrown back, screaming out his anger. His throat felt raw
and he wanted a drink.

Another twig cracked and he turned, ready to snarl at Rocky for

not trusting him. It wasn’t Rocky.

Tall and dark, the man exuded danger from every pore.

Stephan’s mind supplied him with the odd thought that he was in
the land of Deliverance.

“Are you okay, Mr. Colby?” The man shot a quick look around

the clearing, definitely seeming to notice that Stephan was alone.

“Yes. Sorry. Just throwing a temper tantrum.” He eyed the

stranger suspiciously. “How do you know who I am?”

A rough chuckle escaped the man’s throat. “Bodyguards are

supposed to be invisible, but I didn’t know I was that good at my
job.”

Bodyguard? He sifted through what Rocky had told him before

leaving. “You’re Stone?”

Stone nodded. “I was coming to see if you or Rocky needed

anything. I’m going to head down into town tomorrow for more
supplies.”

“Where are you staying?” Stephan relaxed. If Rocky trusted the

guy, he had to be okay.

“I’m camping a mile or two upriver from here. My family owns

about a thousand acres of the forest.”

“I thought this was all National Park land.”

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Stone shrugged. “It is and it isn’t. Too complicated to explain

really. We gave the government permission to build an access road
over our land. We don’t mind if people camp on it, but they can’t
hunt, fish, or do any irreversible damage to the forest or at least our
section.”

“You’re right. Way too complicated for me.” Stephan rubbed

his forehead. “I think I’m heading back to the cabin.”

Stone fell in next to him as they headed to where Stephan was

staying. Rocky sat on the steps that lead up to a porch running the
entire length of the front of the cabin. His guitar rested on his
knees and a notebook lay open next to him. Stephan smiled at the
relieved expression on his friend’s face.

“I told you I wouldn’t do anything stupid.” He climbed past

Rocky and sprawled in one of the wooden rocking chairs on the
porch.

“I wasn’t too worried.” Rocky smiled at Stone. “Hey, man, out

for a hike or just stopping over to visit your neighbors?”

“Both. I’m heading to town tomorrow and thought I’d see if

you wanted something.”

“Hmmm…yeah, we’re running low on a few things. I’ll write

you up a list.” Rocky jumped to his feet, handed his guitar to
Stephan, and rushed inside.

The expression on Stone’s face as he watched Rocky race away

struck Stephan. He’d surprised that same look of longing on
Jeremy’s face a time or two when he caught his lover looking at
him.

“So you do have an ulterior motive for inviting us here,” he

murmured.

Stone dropped his gaze and blushed, but didn’t deny Stephan’s

hunch.

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“He’s a player, man,” Stephan warned. “You can’t tell from

this tour since he was sick for most of it, but he likes variety and
doesn’t do entanglements.”

“I don’t think it’s any of your business, Mr. Colby.” Stone’s

earlier friendliness disappeared behind an icy impersonal tone.

“Just giving you a friendly warning.”
It didn’t matter to him if Stone got his heart broken. It just

made sense for Stone to listen to what Stephan had to say. After
all, he’d been Rocky’s friend since eighth grade.

::Stay out of it, sweetheart.::
He heard Jeremy caution him. They’d had a few conversations

about Rocky playing the field. Stephan had worried and Jeremy
told him it was none of his business.

* * *

Snuggled in his lover’s arms, Stephan said, “I want Rocky to

find a love like ours.”

Jeremy smoothed his hand down Stephan’s back. “He will, but

how’s he supposed to find it if he’s not dating?”

“Dating would be fine. Jumping from bed to bed isn’t. It’s just

irresponsible and dangerous.”

“He’s dealing with a broken heart, so leave him be and stay

out of his private affairs.” Jeremy’s firm tone held some secret
knowledge.

“How do you know his heart’s been broken? Why did he tell

you and not me?”

“I know the signs.”
Before he could ask what they were, Jeremy had kissed him

and that was the end of the discussion.

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* * *

“Here’s the list. Thanks a lot for getting this stuff for us.”
The bang of the screen door slamming shut broke up his

memory and he watched Rocky hand Stone a piece of paper.

Stone took it and, not looking at Stephan, he said, “You’re

welcome to come with me tomorrow. Mr. Colby is better and you
haven’t left this cabin since you got here.”

“I don’t know.” Rocky hesitated and looked at Stephan.
::Don’t make it hard for him.::
::You’re dead. I shouldn’t be hearing you.::
::Maybe not, but don’t make this hard for him.::
God, it was bad when the voices in his head started repeating

themselves. ::I get the point.:: “I’m fine, Rocky. Now I’m aware of
where I’m at, I can take care of myself while you’re gone.”

Look at me being all noble and shit.
“Are you sure?”
He nodded, not trusting the selfish part of him to keep quiet.
“Great. I need to get another notebook. Being up here has

really helped my creative side. Almost filled up a notebook with
new material.”

He managed to smile when Rocky tugged the guitar from his

hands.

“Maybe when you’re ready, I’ll play some of them for you.”
“Sounds great.” His grin was less forced this time. He loved

hearing Rocky sing and always tried to convince his friend to sing
on their albums. Nothing he said worked because Rocky only sang
for him.

::And what does that tell you?::
::Shut up, Jeremy.::

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“I’ll be by to pick you up at around eight in the morning.”
Stone’s smile was bright and happy. Was Stephan supposed to

feel good about doing something nice for the man, even though he
figured Rocky would break Stone’s heart?

* * *

They sat out on the porch as sunlight slowly leaked from the

world. Stephan held his cup of hot chocolate close and inhaled.
Rocky braced his back against the post while he sat on the top step.

“What are the others doing for their vacations?”
It was the first time Stephan had thought about his fellow band

members.

“Lee’s in China Town in New York. Stan headed up to B.C. to

go fishing, and I assume Amy’s in Austin with her family. She
didn’t say where she was going.”

“But we’re all predictable, aren’t we? If Jeremy hadn’t died,

you’d be in Carmel, surfing and fucking every beach bum you
could find. Jeremy and I would be on our way to Scotland for the
beginning of our Grand Tour.”

Sadness swirled in his heart, but it wasn’t as strong as it had

been.

“Fucking every beach bum? What the hell is that about?”

Rocky rolled his head over to eye him. “Are you saying I’m a
slut?”

Closing his eyes, Stephan sighed and shook his head. “No. I’m

just saying you’re not very selective when it comes to your
sleeping partners.”

Rocky set his mug of chocolate on the step next to him and

turned to face Stephan fully. “What’s gotten into you?”

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“Stone likes you.” Okay, he didn’t mean to blurt that out.
Frowning, it was clear Rocky was trying to figure out what

Stephan was talking about. “Yeah, I know he likes me.”

“I don’t mean like that. I mean he wants to fuck you.”
Rocky laughed. “Always so blunt and straight-forward, aren’t

you?”

“I’m just saying…you could hurt him, Rocky.” Stephan stared

into his cup.

“So now you’re looking out for some guy you don’t even

know.” Rocky reached out and hit him in the calf with his fist.
“Dude, don’t worry about it. I’m not interested in sleeping with
Stone, even though he’s seriously hot.”

Well, Stephan wouldn’t argue with Rocky about that. He

wasn’t interested in sleeping with the man either, but his eyes still
worked. He jumped slightly when Rocky wrapped his fingers
around his ankle.

“Thank you for caring about both of us. Don’t worry. Neither

of us is going to get hurt. I’m not looking for anything right now.
I’m trying to relax and I’m still mourning Jeremy myself. He was a
good friend of mine as well, Stephan.”

God, he really was a selfish bastard. He’d forgotten how much

fun Jeremy and Rocky used to have, surfing and playing video
games. He slipped out of the rocking chair and joined Rocky on
the step. He rested his head on Rocky’s shoulder. Rocky embraced
him, letting him settle against him.

Stephan absorbed Rocky’s warmth and admitted to himself

how much he needed to be held. Now his brain was clear of the
mind-numbing sorrow, he couldn’t help but think about all the
things that still needed to be done. He placed his hand on Rocky’s
chest over his heart and savored the steady beat.

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“I’m a selfish asshole, all things considered. Why do you put

up with me?”

“Sweetheart, I’ve known you for what feels like forever. If I

haven’t figured out you’re an ass by now, I’m never going to do
so.”

He pinched Rocky’s side. “Thanks a lot. I was trying to

apologize for bitching at you and you’re being an ass back.”

“I’d accept your apology if you really apologized, but I didn’t

hear any sort of I’m sorry come from your lips.”

He started to say something, and Rocky pressed his finger to

his mouth.

“Stop. I’m teasing you. I know you’re sorry, Stephan.”
“I’m sorry you had to take care of all the arrangements while I

had a meltdown. I’m sorry you had to sing that song in front of
everyone. Jeremy said it was his favorite of the band’s, but that it
was a very personal song for you. Who did you write it for?”

“Someone I loved.”
The clipped words warned Stephan not to ask any more

questions. Usually, Stephan would push and tease until Rocky
caved and told him, but for some reason, Stephan didn’t really
want to hear about anyone Rocky loved.

A thought hit Stephan and he sat up straight. “Shit. Jeremy’s

parents. I need to call them and let them know he’s dead.”

“Don’t worry. I took care of that. His father is a royal bigoted

jerk. Jeremy was better off without him.”

“No one from his family came to the funeral?” Tears welled in

Stephan’s eyes.

“I didn’t say that. Aside from the fact we were all there and

Jeremy considered us his family, his brother showed up.”

Stephan bit his lip, surprised by that information. “Hal came? I

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thought he washed his hands of Jeremy at the same time the rest of
his asinine family did.”

“Seems no one told Hal about Jeremy. He was injured in Iraq

and spent the last year or so healing from his wounds. He did hire a
private investigator to find Jeremy and it wasn’t until the obit
appeared in the newspaper that the man was able to give him
anything to go on.” Rocky stroked his hand over Stephan’s arm,
not seeming to realize what he was doing. “He came to the funeral
and didn’t seem happy that his father did what he did to both of
them. Hal’s gay as well. I’m letting him crash at my condo in
L.A.”

“Really?”
“Sure. I don’t use it that often and it gives him a place to stay

while he’s looking for a job. Ce and Sully set him up. He’d like to
meet you when you’re ready. I bet you’d like to hear stories of
Jeremy and what he was like while he was growing up.”

Did he really want to talk to Hal? Wouldn’t finding out what

his lover was like as a kid just rub salt into the wound?

“I know he’d love to talk to you. He lost the last three years of

Jeremy’s life. I think he’d enjoy spending time with you.”

“I’ll think about it.”
And he would. It certainly looked like he had been a complete

self-centered rock star who thought only of his own sorrow, but no
more. It was time to start living again, even though the nights were
lonely without Jeremy. Starting over meant reaching out, being a
better friend and person.

“Will you sing me something?”
Rocky inhaled and nodded. “Go grab my guitar. Oh, and get

me a beer from the fridge.”

“Is it time to start drinking?”

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“Shut up and get it.”
He shot to his feet and, laughing, went inside to grab Rocky’s

guitar and the beers from the kitchen. Why was Rocky the only
one who could convince him to live again? Because it was Rocky’s
presence that drew him out of his depression. Oh, Stephan might
think he was hearing Jeremy’s voice, encouraging him to move on,
but he knew it was Rocky’s voice dragging him back into the
world. It was Rocky’s touch on his shoulder and arms holding him
tight at the times when he thought he’d lose himself in the sorrow
that kept him from the darkness.

Stephan paused in the doorway and stared at Rocky. His friend

didn’t know Stephan watched him. Rocky hummed, and Stephan
could see the exhaustion haunting Rocky. The man needed a
couple days worth of uninterrupted sleep or he’d get sick again. No
matter what Rocky said, Stephan knew he wasn’t a hundred
percent still from the illness that had knocked him on his ass at the
beginning of the tour.

Clearing his throat, he let the screen door slam behind him as

he stepped out onto the porch. He took a seat a couple of steps
down from Rocky before handing him the bottle and guitar. Rocky
took a swig and set the bottle beside him.

Settling the guitar on his lap, Rocky grinned at him. “What do

you want to hear?”

“Let me hear some of your new stuff.”
“Okay. Most of it’s really rough. I’ll go back and clean it up

when we get back home. Then we can talk about which ones you
might want for the band and which ones I can sell.”

“Cool.”
Stephan rested his back against the railing and closed his eyes

as Rocky started singing. He never questioned the fact he was the

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only one who got to hear Rocky’s songs before the man decided
they were polished enough. How many nights had he sat in
Rocky’s room, listening to him sing? Where had Rocky’s beautiful
soul come from?

There was something special about his best friend, and Stephan

didn’t plan to let Rocky settle for some guy who liked him. No,
Rocky deserved someone who would take care of him, especially
since Rocky would run himself down taking care of everyone else.

“I’ll try to do better,” Stephan murmured when Rocky paused.
“Do better at what?”
“At being your best friend and business partner. I think I’ve let

you take care of everything for too long.”

Rocky shrugged and drank his beer. After setting the bottle

back down, he said, “I don’t mind taking care of things in the
background, Stephan. Someone needs to be the public face of the
band, and you’re far better looking than me.”

Stephan snorted. “Dude, seriously, I wonder what you see

when you look in the mirror?”

His friend blushed and ducked his head. “I know what I see and

there’s nothing special about me.”

“Yeah, well, we’re not the best judges of how we look.”

Stephan was an expert on that. He’d read all the articles that called
him the most gorgeous man in music, but when he looked in the
mirror, all he saw was a skinny, pale kid with nothing going for
him except his voice and his choice of friends.

“Why don’t you sing with me?” Rocky nudged his knee with

his foot.

Stephan nodded. It had been a long time since they’d sung

together for fun. Sighing silently, Stephan tried to figure out when
the music became a job and not something fun for him and Rocky.

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Seeing the bright smile on Rocky’s face and his relaxed shoulders,
Stephan decided there would be more days like this. They couldn’t
lose sight of the reason they started the band in the first place—
because of their love for music.

They spent the rest of the evening drinking and singing. The

only break was for dinner until the darkness drove them inside.
Stephan yawned and stretched.

“I’m going to head for bed.”
Rocky shot him a smile. “Fine. I’m staying up a little longer.

Working on a song I’ve been thinking about.”

“Don’t stay up too late.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Stephan flipped Rocky the finger before heading to the

bathroom. He brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He slipped
under the covers and bunched the pillow up to rest his head on it.
Closing his eyes, he listened the low sound of Rocky’s singing.

“Fingers twine with fingers
Lips brush over lips
Teeth tease and bite.

Skin rubs on skin
Body presses against body
Breath mingles and warms.

Arms locked with arms
Hips grind into hips
Essence blends with essence.

I have never heard you,

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Yet I know you love me.
The evidence is in your touch.

I have never seen you,
Yet I know you exist.
The conviction of my heart gives me faith.”

Tears seeped from the corner of Stephan’s eyes. With a little

more polishing, the song would be another hit, he was sure, and it
was yet another example of Rocky pouring out his heart for some
unknown lover. Would Rocky ever tell Stephan who he sang
about?

Stephan fell asleep, wondering who Rocky’s mysterious lover

might be.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 5

“Hey, Rocky, what kind of beer does Mr. Colby drink?”
Rocky looked up from where he stood, staring at the Pop-Tarts,

trying to figure out which flavor he wanted. “Call him Stephan,
Stone. He’ll get his nose out of joint if you don’t. And if there’s
Corona, that’ll work. We’ll have to remember to pick up some
limes.”

“Got ’em.” Stone held up a bag of limes.
“Thanks. Toss them in the basket.” Rocky grabbed a box of

frosted cherry Pop-Tarts.

“You want to have lunch at the diner? I’m sure Stephan can

fend for himself for a little while longer.”

As Rocky thought about Stone’s suggestion, Stephan’s warning

about Stone liking him popped into his mind. “Ummm…”

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“Look, I’m sure Stephan told you I liked you, and he’s not

wrong.” Stone shrugged and glanced around them, lowering his
voice. “But I also get the idea I’m not your type, so you know
what? Lunch was a friendly offer, not anything more.”

“Thanks, Stone. And lunch sounds great. I didn’t realize just

how far the cabins are from civilization.”

He wasn’t worried about Stephan anymore. Now Stephan had

broken out of the depths of sorrow, he’d been all right. Sure, there
would be tears and temper tantrums, but they would grow farther
and farther apart until Stephan only remembered the happy times
with Jeremy, and none of the sadness of his death.

“Come on. Let’s check out and get this stuff in the coolers.

Then we’ll grab something to eat.”

They were just finishing up their meal when Rocky’s cell rang.

He frowned when he recognized Stan’s ring tone. What the hell
was Stan calling him for? As far as he knew, the bassist had
vanished into the British Columbian mountains to do some serious
fishing.

“Hey, man, what the hell you calling me for? I thought I

wouldn’t hear from you until it was time to meet back up in L.A.”

“Yeah, so did I. I’m in New York, Rocky, and I need you to get

here ASAP.”

Rocky tensed, and Stone caught on that something was wrong.

He watched the bodyguard pull out his own phone and dial a
number.

“What the fuck is wrong, Stan? New York, huh? Is it Lee?”
Stone waved for the bill as Rocky stood and stalked outside. He

paced in front of Stone’s truck, worry singing through him.

“It’s not good. He OD’ed, dude.”
“Overdosed? On what?”

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“Heroin.” Stan’s voice held a sob.
Shit! How had he missed that? Had there been any warning

signs and was he too caught up in Stephan to see how Lee had
fallen into drugs?

“Heroin? Fuck!” Rocky clenched his fist, glancing around for

something to hit. “How long has this been going on?”

“I have no idea. Lee’s not talking yet. Doctors say he’ll be

ready to leave in a day or two. I’m not sure what to do with him,
though. I called you. Figured you might have a clue.”

Rocky closed his eyes and breathed deep, calming his

heartbeat. Getting upset right now wasn’t going to solve anything.
He had to think.

“All right. I’m not sure how long it’ll take us, but Stephan and I

will be there by tomorrow at the latest. Send the hospital
information to my phone, and I’ll call you when we find out
flights. Don’t worry about picking us up. We’ll just grab a cab.”

“Thanks, Rocky. I didn’t know what to do. Lee told them not to

call you, so I was the next one on the list.” Stan sounded freaked
out. “I can’t handle shit like this.”

Rocky sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I know, Stan. I’ll be

there as soon as possible.”

“Good. I’ll be waiting.”
He hung up and stuck his phone in his pocket. He stared down

at the sidewalk, feeling like the weight of the world rested on his
shoulders. Why was he the one who had to deal with everyone’s
shit? What would happen if he ran away, and no one knew how to
get a hold of him? Would their worlds fall apart or would they man
up and do what they needed to do?

Rocky chuckled silently. Like he would ever let that happen.

The guys in the band were as much his family as Celia, Sully, and

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his dad. There wasn’t any way he could turn his back on them
when they needed him.

“Okay, we’ll head back to the cabin so you and Stephan can

pack. I assume you’re heading for New York. I already chartered a
plane for you. It’ll be ready when we get to the airport. That’s
about three hours from now.”

Stone took Rocky’s elbow in his hand and lead him to the

truck. Rocky slumped in the seat, hands clasped together in his lap.
He nodded as Stone told him about the plans he’d made. At least
he didn’t have to worry about getting airplane tickets on such short
notice.

Stone didn’t waste time talking. He drove quickly but

competently back to the cabin. Stephan was sitting on the porch
when they arrived. Rocky headed to him, while Stone grabbed the
groceries out of the back of the truck.

“Stephan, we need to pack. Lee’s in the hospital in New York,

and Stan needs us up there.”

Stephan didn’t ask any questions, just followed Rocky into the

cabin and went into his room to pack. They met back in the living
room a few minutes later. Stone had finished unloading the food
into the refrigerator.

“I’ll come back and pick it up later. You won’t be coming back

here.”

“Thanks a lot, Stone, for letting us hide out here for a while. It

was something we both needed.” Rocky shook Stone’s hand.

“Yes. Thanks a lot.”
“Oh, this isn’t good-bye, guys. My bosses and your record

label feel you’re going to need someone to run interference for you
at the hospital, so I’m flying out with you.”

Relief shot through Rocky. Stone was fast becoming a good

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friend and he appreciated everything the guy had done for them so
far. Stone would take care of the logistics while Rocky and
Stephan could focus on Lee.

“Thank you.”
Stephan nodded at the bodyguard, but kept quiet. In fact, his

friend didn’t say anything until they were in the air on the way to
New York. Stone had gone forward to the cabin to talk to the pilot,
leaving Stephan and Rocky sitting together. Stephan rested his
hand on Rocky’s knee.

“What’s going on, Rock? Why’s Lee in the hospital?”
Rocky met Stephan’s gaze and sighed. “Lee overdosed on

heroin. Luckily, someone found him before he died. He’s in the
hospital, and Stan’s with him. We need to get there and decide
what needs to be done next.”

“Where’s Amy? Why isn’t she handling this?”
“Stan couldn’t get a hold of her, but that doesn’t matter. We

don’t leave our friends drowning like that, Stephan. Stan doesn’t
know what to do, and you know, when he starts freaking out, it’s
hard to get him back on track.” He couldn’t believe Stephan would
suggest they didn’t need to go to Lee.

His best friend raised his hand. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t be

there for Lee and Stan. All I’m saying is we don’t know anything
about drug addictions and how to treat them. We aren’t going to be
able to do much.”

“That’s what computers and phones are for.” He straightened

up. “Before we took off, I called Ce. She’s researching rehab
centers in California for us. She’ll get us a list of the best ones in
the state.”

“Wait a minute. You’re going to force Lee to go to rehab?”
“He can’t do this to himself. The band needs him. Hell, we

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need him. He’s part of our family, Stephan. We can’t just leave
him alone to deal with this shit.” Rocky eased back, shocked
Stephan wouldn’t understand why they needed to get Lee help.

“Back up there, sport. I didn’t say anything about leaving him

to deal with all of this.” Stephan took Rocky’s hand and squeezed
it. “What I’m saying is forcing Lee into rehab isn’t going to help
him. He’ll go and finish the course, then after being out for a day,
he’ll go back to using. You have to make sure Lee wants to stop
before you set up a rehab stay for him.”

Rocky took his hand back and turned slightly to stare at

Stephan. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt as to why
you’re saying this fucking shit. You’re still upset over Jeremy and
that clouds your viewpoint. I know you and you’ll really want to
help Lee.”

Stone sat down across from them and glanced at Stephan

before meeting Rocky’s gaze. “Stephan’s right.”

What was this? Gang up on Rocky day? Rocky rubbed his

forehead again, grimacing at the pain building there.

“Here.”
He glanced up to see Stephan holding out a bottle of water and

a couple pills.

“I know you’ve got a headache, working on becoming a

migraine. Take this and listen to what we’re trying to say without
becoming defensive.”

Rocky took the offered meds and swallowed them down. He

settled back in his seat, meeting their gazes. “Okay, explain to me
why you sound like you want to abandon Lee.”

“Oh, stow it, jackass. I don’t want to abandon Lee. I plan on

going in there and chewing his ass for doing something this stupid.
I’ll do everything I can to make sure he doesn’t do it again.”

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Stephan held up his hand to keep Rocky from interrupting. “One
thing I’ve figured out from watching some of Jeremy’s friends and
a few of mine is an addict doesn’t stop being an addict until he
wants to stop. You can guilt Lee into going, but if he doesn’t want
to get better, he won’t.”

“So what do I do, stand there and watch him ruin his life? You

know I can’t do that.”

“I’ve seen what Stephan is talking about with quite a few of my

clients. He’s not being a dick about it, Rocky. My suggestion is go
to the hospital, talk to Lee, and see where he’s at. Maybe this is the
wake-up call he needs to get straight and clean.” Stone nodded at
Stephan before meeting Rocky’s gaze. “But you have to be
prepared for Lee to say he doesn’t want help. He might not think
he has a problem.”

“Okay, I get it. I might not be able to get Lee to go to the rehab

center because he might not want my help.” He turned to look out
the window, dismissing the other two men.

Stone started to say something else, but Stephan must have

stopped him. Silence hung over them like a blanket as the plane
flew closer to New York and LaGuardia. As much as he didn’t like
hearing what Stephan and Stone said, he understood what they
meant. It wouldn’t be easy to deal with his sense of failure, though,
if Lee didn’t go to rehab like he wanted.

He jumped when Stephan rested his hand on his leg and

squeezed. Rocky covered Stephan’s hand and entwined their
fingers. He’d never held hands with Stephan like that, except for
the last couple of weeks when Stephan needed contact with
someone living.

“We’ll be there for Lee, no matter what his decision ends up

being, Rocky. But you can’t beat yourself up if he doesn’t want to

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go. It’s not your fault. Lee’s addiction isn’t your fault either,”
Stephan whispered in his ear.

Rocky absorbed the heat coming from Stephan’s body as his

friend leaned against him. He closed his eyes and imagined they
were a couple, flying somewhere they could be alone. He laughed
silently. Delusional much? He doubted that even when Stephan
was ready to date again that he’d be looking at his old friend.

They landed at LaGuardia a few hours later. After grabbing

their bags, they made their way to the rental cars. Rocky pulled out
his phone and called Stan.

“Hey, we just landed. We’ll be there in about forty-five

minutes.”

“Oh, good. Lee’s being a bitch. He actually yelled at me

because I called you.” Stan sounded frustrated. “I’m not sure I can
take it much longer.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take over when we get there.”
“I sent you the room number and everything. See you when

you get here.”

He tucked his phone back in his pocket. Stone lead the way out

to the car. They climbed in, and Stone entered the hospital in the
GPS.

“We’re going to have to cut Stan lose when we get there. He

doesn’t sound like he can take much more.” Rocky shook his head.
“I never realized how high strung Stan is.”

“He’s not high strung. He’s spoiled,” Stephan muttered from

the back seat.

“Spoiled by who?” He turned so he could see his friend.
Stephan rolled his eyes. “By you. We all are. For them, you’re

the big brother they lean on to get them out of any situation they
get themselves in.”

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“What about you?”
“Me? Except for all of this with Jeremy, I’ve never leaned on

you to be anything other than my friend. I know I shouldn’t have
asked you to take on everything with Jeremy’s funeral. I should
have man-upped and done it all myself.”

Not thinking or even considering what it meant, he reached

over the seat and held out his hand to Stephan. He waited until
Stephan took it.

“I knew you weren’t up to doing it all. I didn’t mind doing it.”
Stephan shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t

have to do it. I’m an adult, Rocky. I can do things, even if I don’t
particularly like them.”

“Can we talk about this later?”
His friend chuckled. “We’ll argue about this until we’re both

blue in the face, man. I know you. No matter what any of us say,
you’ll continue to take care of us.”

Stephan did know him well. Rocky squeezed Stephan’s hand

before letting him go. Stone didn’t pay attention to them, just
drove quietly and under the speed limit.

They reached the hospital forty-five minutes later, and Stone

dropped them off at the door.

“I’ll go park the car and come up. You guys go on. I haven’t

heard anything on the gossip sites about this yet, so you should be
safe for now.”

“Thanks.”
Rocky and Stephan piled out of the car and headed into the

hospital. They made their way up to the seventh floor where Lee’s
room was. Rocky stopped by the nurses’ station to let them know
Lee had more visitors. The head nurse gave them permission to go
in.

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Stephan pulled him to a halt right outside the door. Surprise

ricocheted through him when Stephan brought their foreheads
together.

“We aren’t going in there, yelling and pressing him. He’s going

to feel like an idiot for letting it get that far, and he’s going to be
defensive about the whole situation. Don’t go all big brother on
him.”

“Okay. I won’t.”
He blinked as Stephan brushed a kiss over his cheek before

stepping back and waving him to go in first. The kiss stunned him,
but seeing Lee bruised and thin under the blankets in his bed hurt
Rocky almost as much as seeing Stephan break down.

“Oh, Lee, what the hell have you done to yourself?”
Lee grimaced as Rocky pulled up a chair next to the bed. “I

told Stan not to call you.”

Rocky waved away Lee’s concern. “Don’t worry about me.

Stephan’s doing good. In fact, he’s here with me.”

Stephan moved up behind Rocky and said, “Hey there, Lee.”
“Stephan. Looks like you’re going to survive.”
“I’d say the same about you.” Stephan leaned over Rocky’s

shoulder and punched Lee’s arm gently. “You scared our guy
here.”

“It’s not like I meant to do it.” Lee closed his eyes and sighed.

“It just got out of hand.”

“Heroin can be like that.” Stephan sounded like he’d been

where Lee was, but Rocky knew his friend had never had a drug
problem.

“Yeah. Well, don’t even start about going to rehab, Rocky. I’m

going, just have to figure out where I want to end up.”

“Wow. He’s been bitching up a storm every time I mentioned

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finding a center for him to go to.” Stan strolled in. “Guess it just
took one look at the disappointment on Rocky’s face for the man to
change his mind.”

“Shut the fuck up, Stan.” Lee’s words didn’t hold any heat.
Rocky could tell Stan and Lee had spent too much time

together. The guys liked each other, but at times, it was like
watching gas and fire. They really were like brothers who knew
just how far to push to irritate each other, and sometimes went too
far.

“Stan, why don’t you and I go down to the cafeteria? I need

some coffee.” Stephan touched Rocky’s shoulder. “We’ll take
Stone with us.”

“Thanks.”
He waited until the door shut behind the others before he

turned to meet Lee’s gaze. He poked the man’s arm. “Talk to me.”

Lee dropped his gaze to the blanket covering him. “About

what?”

“When did the heroin use start, Lee?” Rocky scrubbed his hand

over his face. “Why didn’t I know about it?”

Lee snorted. “Dude, I wouldn’t be a very good addict if I

couldn’t hide my addiction.”

“This isn’t a laughing matter, Lee.”
“If I don’t laugh, I’ll be embarrassed.” Lee reached out and

tapped Rocky’s knee. “I didn’t want to be another one you needed
to save, especially with Stephan needing you so much right now.”

Rocky laughed softly. “He doesn’t need me anymore. He’s

come out the other side of the grief. It’ll get better from here on
out. I don’t want to save you, Lee, or any of the others. I just want
us to be happy. Hell, we’ve finally made it—the big time. There
shouldn’t be any unhappiness, just being on top of the world.”

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“God, I love the fact your parents raised you to believe all that

shit.”

“What do you mean?” Rocky frowned.
“No one escapes life without some pain. You’re not immune to

it either. None of us are, but I give you credit for trying to
manipulate things to give us our happily-ever-afters.”

Rocky shoved to his feet and paced the open space at the foot

of Lee’s bed. “You make me sound naïve. I’m not. I get that bad
things happen all the time. I mean, look at Jeremy. Hell, he was a
great guy, but some asshole ran him off the road and killed him.
That doesn’t seem very fair to me. Maybe I just want things to be
fair.”

“Who said life should be fair?” Lee rolled his eyes. “Look,

we’re going to have to agree to disagree. Neither of us can change
the other’s mind. I just get fed up at times, watching you run
yourself ragged because of the rest of us. Listen, I never said
anything because I thought I had it licked. I should’ve known
better. Most people don’t beat this on their own.”

“You need to ask for help, Lee. If not from me, from someone

else you can trust.” Rocky turned back to look at his friend.
“We’ve been friends for a long time, and it hurts to think you
didn’t trust me enough to help you.”

“Well, you can help me now. If I know you, you’ve already got

Ce looking for rehab centers in California.”

Chuckling, Rocky nodded. “Yeah. She’s going to email me a

list. Unless there’s someplace else you might want to go. I thought
California would be good since we’re going back there after you
get out of the hospital. That way when you get around to having
visitors, we can drop in.”

“Thanks, dude.” Lee closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry you

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had to interrupt your vacation to come help me out. I swore I’d
never do that to you.”

Rocky strolled over to the bed and rested his hand on Lee’s

shoulder. “That’s what I do. You and Stephan don’t seem to
understand that I like being the one you turn to. It makes me feel
good to help you.”

“Yeah, great. Saint Rocky, the man who’ll do whatever anyone

wants as long as it makes them happy.”

The bitterness in Lee’s voice made Rocky take a step back.
“Saint Rocky? What do you mean by that?”
Lee shot him a cynical glance. “Dude, I think you’d cut off one

of your limbs if you thought one of us needed it. You don’t have a
sense of self-preservation when it comes to your family, do you?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”
After pushing himself up so he was sitting instead of lying

down, Lee scowled at him. “What I’m talking about is the fact you
planned your best friend’s lover’s funeral. You sang a song you
wrote especially for the oblivious best friend because it was the
lover’s favorite song. You’ve done everything to ensure this man
you love doesn’t suffer any more pain than necessary. You’re a
fucking martyr, Rocky, suffering in silence because you don’t want
to hurt anyone.”

“Fuck you, Lee. Where do you get off telling me what the hell I

feel or think?” Rocky kept his voice low, though he felt like
screaming at his friend. He didn’t want Stephan or any of the
others to overhear what they were talking about.

“I get off telling you all this shit because I’m your friend.

You’re burning yourself out trying to help everyone else. But what
about you? Why don’t you get what you want? Why do you have
to be all selfless and noble? For once in your life, why don’t you

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say out loud what you want?

“You act like its some illicit secret that’s going to ruin

everything.” Lee gestured wildly. “How do you know what’ll
happen unless you speak up, jackass? God, you’re so strong about
everything else, but when it comes to your own fucking feelings,
you’re the world’s biggest coward.”

“Say something? Say how I really feel? What do you want me

to say, Lee? Somewhere deep inside of me, I’m happy Jeremy’s
gone? Oh, hell, I didn’t want the man to die. I liked Jeremy and he
was good for Stephan, but I’m glad he’s out of the picture because
maybe for the first time in my life, Stephan will look at me and see
a guy. Not just his best friend, but a guy he could fall in love with
and spend the rest of his life with.” Rocky paced, hands shoved
deep in his pockets.

Lee watched him, keeping his mouth shut for once in his

fucking life.

“Not saying anything doesn’t make me a martyr, Lee. It makes

me a good friend, but what kind of friend am I really? Shit, I’ve
loved him for years, but I couldn’t say anything. Hell, why would a
guy like Stephan want someone like me? Does it matter that we’ve
been friends forever and I love every thing about the man? When
Stephan looks at me, he sees Rocky, his best friend and the man
he’s never had one sexual thought about in his entire life.”

Rocky ran his hand over his head, ruffling the short strands

until they stood straight up.

“Don’t you understand? I can’t say anything about any of this.

Do you know how ashamed I am that, even as deep inside of me as
I hide it, I see Jeremy’s death as an opportunity? Can you even
grasp how much I’d die inside if Stephan ever found out how I feel
and he didn’t feel the same way? I’d rather never tell him, never

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know the taste of his lips, or what it’s like to be inside him, than
risk losing him altogether. That’s how much I love him.”

A gasp stopped Rocky where he stood. Lee’s glance shot over

Rocky’s shoulder and a small gleam of triumph shone in the man’s
eyes. He’d been fucking set up.

“Jesus fucking Christ! How long have you known he was

standing there? If you weren’t in the hospital, I’d beat your fucking
ass, Lee. What gives you the right to mess with my life like this?”

Rocky whirled and pushed past Stephan, ignoring the man’s

hand reaching out for him. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right
then. All he wanted was to go and lick his wounds, to build up
walls around his heart because he knew Stephan was going to
break it when he talked the man next.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 6

“Stone, follow him,” Stephan ordered as Rocky stormed past

him and shot down the hall.

“Yes, sir.”
Stone went after Rocky, and Stephan’s chest tightened at the

thought Stone would probably take advantage of the situation to
get Rocky to go out with him. Shit! He clenched his hands. It was a
jealous and petty thought to have. Stone had every right to want
Rocky, and Rocky, no matter what he told Lee, had every right to
accept what Stone offered.

“Didn’t work out quite the way I wanted,” Lee muttered.
Stephan spun around and glared at the keyboardist. “How

exactly did you think it was going to turn out? Hmmm…why don’t
you try explaining to me what the fuck you were thinking?”

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“Don’t you think you should go after him?”
::I wouldn’t if I were you. Let Rocky work on coming to terms

with you knowing how he feels.::

God, he didn’t want to have to deal with the imaginary voice in

his head giving him advice, but at least this time it was good
advice.

::I won’t be around much longer, so you don’t have to worry

about thinking you’re going crazy. Just take it slow and don’t turn
your back on the love that’s always been there for you.::

How wrong was it that Jeremy’s voice told him to love Rocky?

Of course, he doubted very much it was really Jeremy speaking to
him from beyond the grave. It was his subconscious trying to help
him make sense of everything.

“Fuck, no. I think I might be the last person he wants to see

right now, though you’re probably up there on the list as well.”

Stephan dropped into the chair next to Lee’s bed and sighed,

resting his head on the back of the chair. “What the fuck were you
thinking?”

“I was thinking it was about damn time Rocky admitted out

loud what all of us, except for you, knew. He’s been in love with
you since he first realized he liked guys.”

Stephan wasn’t sure, but he kept his opinion to himself.

Leaning forward, he braced his elbows on his knees and stared at
Lee. “Yet you goaded him into it. Aside from not wanting to lose
my friendship, maybe he had a very good reason for not telling me
how he felt. Maybe something besides his martyr complex kept
him from saying anything.”

Lee shook his head. “He was just scared you’d stop being his

friend. He’ll get over it.”

“Maybe you should worry about fixing up your own screwed-

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up life before trying to create better ones for the rest of us, huh?”
Stephan gave Lee a pointed look.

“You might be right. I just got tired of him breaking his heart

over you. I mean, being your friend is one thing. Singing the song
he wrote for you at your lover’s funeral is something else entirely.”

Lee had a point there, Stephan admitted to himself as surprise

rolled through him. Was that the reason why Rocky never sang the
song in public?

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. But in my defense, I didn’t know

Rocky wrote it for me.” He paused, as a half-remembered
conversation with Jeremy skipped through his mind. “Though, I
wonder if Jeremy knew and it was why he loved the song.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Your boyfriend was pretty smart. I

think he figured out within an hour of meeting Rocky how your
best friend felt about you.” Lee shifted in the bed. “I want out of
here.”

“Don’t worry. We’re working on it. I’ll be right back. I’m not

done yelling at you yet.”

He strolled out into the corridor, where he spotted Stan at the

nurses’ desk, flirting as usual.

“Stan, get over here.”
The man came over and grinned. “Are you done chewing Lee’s

ass?”

“No. I still have a little more chewing to do. I want you to call

the hotel and get us a suite. You and I’ll be staying here until Lee’s
ready to leave. I’m sending Rocky back to Carmel. He needs to
relax, and we both know if he stays here, he won’t.”

“He’s not going to like it.” Stan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“He’s not going to have a choice. Stone will take him to the

airport and get him on the plane. Rocky can be mad at me all he

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wants, but things are going to be a little different from now on.”

“Great. I hated piling all the shit on his shoulders.” Stan

chuckled. “He just doesn’t know how not to be the ‘go-to’ guy for
us.”

“Well, he’s going to learn how to let us deal with some of the

load.” Stephan pulled out his phone. “Now go upgrade your room
to a suite.”

Stan sketched a salute and left, pulling out his phone as he

walked away. Stephan ducked back into the room. He knew he
wasn’t supposed to use his cell phone in the hospital, but he
needed to talk to Celia right away.

“Hey, Stephan, how are you?”
The caring tone in Celia’s voice made Stephan’s throat tighten

for a second. He coughed and smiled. “I’ve had better months,
Ce.”

Her bright laughter eased some of the tension gripping his

shoulders. “Haven’t we all? Where’s Rocky?”

“He’s taking a break. I wanted to talk to you. Can you send me

the list of rehab centers for Lee?”

“Sure, but Rocky said he’d take care of them.”
Stephan’s harsh laugh barked out. “Lady, your brother needs to

relax, and I’m going to help him with that. Send me the list and, if
you can, see if you can get his house in Carmel ready for him,
please. I’m sending him home. Stan and I can take care of getting
Lee to rehab.”

A pregnant pause filled the air between them.
“You know he’s not going to be happy with that,” Ce

cautioned.

“I know, but he’ll have to live with it. Certain revelations came

out today and I realized just how much I’ve taken him for granted.

SHADES OF DREAMS

How much we all have taken him for granted. No more. It’s time
we all carried our own weight in this band and family.”

“Revelations?”
Stephan smiled at the hesitant tone in Ce’s voice. “Yes,

revelations we need to work out, but not at the moment.”

“Stephan?” Ce stopped, her worry a solid thing between them.
“Don’t worry, Ce. I’m not leaving the band or him. It might

take a little while to fix some things, but it’ll get fixed without any
one getting hurt.”

“Okay. I trust you not to break my brother’s heart, Stephan.”

Ce sighed. “I’ve got a list of several rehab centers with immediate
openings. I’ll send them to you.”

“Thanks, and you know I love you, right? You and your family

have been my family since you welcomed me in all those years
ago.”

“I know, and we love you as well. We’ll love you even more as

my brother’s boyfriend,” she hinted.

“Ah, well…we’ll see about that.” He heard a sound at the door.

“I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“’Bye, Stephan. Tell Lee we love him, too.”
He stuffed his phone away just as the nurse came in to check

Lee’s vitals. Stephan moved to the window and leaned against the
frame, hands in pockets, until she left. As soon as the door shut, he
jerked out his phone again and called Stone.

“Yes, Mr. Colby?”
“I want you to take Rocky to the airport and make sure he flies

back to California tonight.”

“Ummm…I’m not sure he’ll do that.”
“I know, so give him the phone.”
There was silence and then some voices as Stone handed

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Rocky his phone.

“Stephan, I’m not sure I want to talk to you right now.”
The defeated tone in Rocky’s voice tugged at Stephan’s heart.
“I realize that, Rocky, and I don’t blame you. What I want you

to do is go home to Carmel. Try to relax and forget about all the
bullshit we’ve piled on you. I’ll take care of getting Lee to rehab.
Don’t worry about him. He’ll get his act together or we’ll stage a
bigger intervention, which will include throwing him out of the
band if he does something stupid like this again.”

“Hey now,” Lee yelled from the bed as Stephan flipped him the

finger.

“I can do this, Stephan. I’m not broken or anything like that.”
“I know, dumbass, but you shouldn’t have to do everything for

us. We’re big boys. We can deal with our own problems without
running to you every time something goes wrong. Go back to the
beach, Rocky. Sit in the sand and listen to the waves hit the shore.
Surf, swim, and bake in the sun.” He paused and took a deep
breath. “I’ll be there as soon as I get Lee where he needs to go.
We’ll talk then. Maybe both of us will have our thoughts sorted out
by then.”

Rocky’s reluctance to leave came over the phone loud and

clear.

“If Lee tells you it’s okay for you to go, will you fly out tonight

with Stone?”

“No, but if Lee tells me it’s okay, I’ll fly out by myself. I’ll

leave Stone here to keep an eye on all of you.”

Stephan snorted as he wandered over to where Lee sat. “I think

you just insulted me. Are you saying we need a babysitter?”

“Look what the hell happened to Lee when someone wasn’t

there to keep an eye on him,” Rocky pointed out.

SHADES OF DREAMS

“You have a point there. Maybe Lee does need a keeper,”

Stephan muttered as he handed the phone over to Lee.

“Go, Rocky. Stephan can keep my ass in line just as well as

you can. Actually better because he’s not as nice about it as you
are.” Lee laughed. “Yeah, well, sorry, but I figured it was time for
you to get all that shit off your chest.”

They talked a little while longer, but Stephan fazed them out as

he mulled an idea around in his head. It might work. It might not,
but it couldn’t hurt to try.

“Here. He’s going.”
Stephan took the phone from Lee and mouthed, Thank you, to

him. Lee nodded and closed his eyes, exhaustion plain in the lines
on his face.

“So you’re convinced we can take it from here while you go

take a vacation from all of us?”

“Yes.”
“Great. I’m sure Stone can call and get the plane ready for you.

Oh, I had a thought. Since we both think Lee needs a keeper.” He
dodged the pillow Lee threw at him. “I was thinking maybe Hal,
Jeremy’s brother, would be interested in the job, unless he’s
already found something.”

He could tell Rocky was thinking it over by the way the man

hummed. Rocky always made some kind of noise when he
thought. What kind of sounds would Rocky make when he was
making love to someone? Stephan gave himself a mental slap. That
wasn’t the appropriate thought at the moment.

“I think you have a good idea there, Stephan. I’ll call him when

I get home; see what he has to say.” Rocky fell quiet for a moment,
and Stephan didn’t push him. “You don’t think I’m a complete
bastard because of what I said about Jeremy, do you?”

SHADES OF DREAMS

Stephan went to the window and rested his head against the

cool windowpane. He looked deep inside himself and searched his
emotions. Was he angry or disgusted by Rocky’s admission? Did
he understand what his friend said when he walked in on his rant?
It didn’t matter if it bothered him or not. Rocky was his best friend
in the entire world. No one would or could take the man’s place.
Stephan wasn’t going to push Rocky aside because of how the guy
felt. It was something that couldn’t be helped and at least, Rocky
knew it was there.

“No, I don’t think you’re a bastard, Rock.” He rubbed at his

chest where a tight spot grew. “We’ll talk when I get back out to
Carmel. I hope you do know I’ll be staying with you until I can
bring myself to go back and pack up Jeremy’s stuff.”

A relieved laugh came over the phone. “You’re always

welcome. Nothing’s changed. Maybe Hal can come help you pack
up Jeremy’s stuff when you’re ready. He’d probably like to hear
some stories from your time together.”

Rocky’s peace offering touched Stephan’s heart. His friend

didn’t want him to think he’d push Jeremy out of Stephan’s
memories.

“Great idea. Have a safe flight home and call when you get

there. I want to know you’re safe.”

“Will do, honey.”
Rocky hung up before Stephan could react to the endearment.
He noted in his head all the times Rocky had called him

“honey” or “sweetheart” since hearing about Jeremy’s death. It
was like some dam in Rocky’s brain was gone and he couldn’t help
showing how much he cared for Stephan, if only in the names he
called him.

Stephan turned to look at Lee. “Okay, so we’re good to go. I’m

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heading over to the hotel and catching some sleep. Stan and I will
be back tomorrow when visitor hours start. I’ll have a list of rehab
centers. You can pick the one that sounds best to you. I mean the
one you think will help you fight your addiction, not the one
catering to your every whim.”

Lee grimaced. “I get it, Stephan. You’re all going to save me

from myself. Lucky for you, I want to be saved. Too many of my
family went down the same road I’ve been shooting down.”

Resting his hand on Lee’s knee, Stephan nodded. “My mom

tried selling me to make money for her drug habit. The only way I
escaped is through Rocky’s family. They saved me. I never
understood what made Rocky ask me to come home with him, but
if he hadn’t, I probably would have disappeared on the streets,
nothing but another statistic of the drug problem.”

“Explains some things to me.”
Stephan shrugged. “Listen, it doesn’t excuse the selfish prick I

was. I tend to look out for myself first, then after I’m taken care of,
I see what I can do for others. Loving Jeremy taught me how to put
someone else first in my life.”

He stopped and blinked as the thought hit him. Maybe it was

one of the reasons why Rocky chose to let him fall in love with
Jeremy instead of saying something. Maybe Rocky understood
Stephan had to learn how to love someone. He rubbed his face. It
was another thought he’d have to deal with at some other point in
time.

“I guess I still need to learn that lesson,” Lee murmured.
“It takes people who didn’t come from loving homes a while to

learn what makes a family and how to love someone else. Don’t
worry. We’ll get there in time.” He leaned down and hugged Lee.
“Like I said, Stan and I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Try and get

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some sleep.”

“I will. You get some sleep as well.”
Stan straightened from where he braced up the wall in the

corridor. Stephan gave him a small smile as they made their way
down to the elevator. He didn’t feel like talking. All he really
wanted to do was go take a shower and climb into bed.

Stan didn’t speak. He seemed to sense Stephan’s reluctance to

discuss the day’s events. They got to the suite, and Stephan
glanced around.

“Shit. I forgot about Stone. I’ll call and get him a room right

next to us. He’ll need one when he gets back from the airport.”

After calling the front desk and getting the room next to their

suite, Stephan stretched and rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay.
I’m going to take a shower, down some Motrin, and try to sleep.
It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. I just want to get Lee some
help soon.”

“We all do.” Stan clapped him on the shoulder.
Stone was talking to Stan when Stephan stepped out of the

bathroom.

“I’m heading to bed, Stephan. I’ll catch you tomorrow.”
Stephan looked at Stone. “Did Rocky get on the plane all

right?”

The bodyguard grimaced. “He wasn’t happy about it, but yeah,

he got on the plane.”

Stone didn’t say anything else until Stan shut his bedroom door

behind him. “Are you finally going to get a clue?”

“Listen, man, I’m not up to you telling me what a complete ass

I’ve been to Rocky. I know it, and I have no good excuse as to why
I did it except I’m selfish and self-centered. I get that you don’t
think I’m the right guy for Rocky…and you know what? You’re

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probably right.”

Stephan threw his hands up in the air. “I just might be the worst

possible guy for Rocky to fall in love with, but you know what?
We’ll never know until I get my head out of my ass and try to
figure out if I could even love him as more than a friend. Who
knows? Maybe I won’t ever be able to see him as a guy I’d want to
fuck. Maybe all we’ll ever be is friends and I’ll have to let him
down easily.”

He paced while Stone sat on the couch and watched him.

Stephan wanted a drink really badly, yet he knew it would only
make matters worse because he’d drink until he passed out, not
solving any problem and making him sicker than a dog the next
day.

“Yet no one seems to understand that, while Rocky has known

he loves me for years, I’m just finding out. And I’m dealing with
some pretty heavy shit myself. I mean, hell, the first man I ever
admitted to loving is dead and died only a month ago. So excuse
me if I don’t run to him with open arms and confess my undying
love.”

Stone opened his mouth, but Stephan interrupted him.
“Rocky has always been there. The one guy I can count on for

anything, but I never thought of him as a lover. At first because I
didn’t even realize I was gay. Hell, it took me until I was twenty-
one to figure out what the hell was wrong with me because I didn’t
get what all the hype was about with girls. They’re pretty and
smell nice, but sex with them didn’t blow my mind.

Suddenly, when I got it, I met Jeremy and I grasped the reality

of being gay. Rocky supported me, yet I still never saw him as a
sexual person…at least not to my mind at the time. You want to
know the weird thing?”

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Stephan held up his hand when Stone started to speak.
“Now I can’t stop thinking about him. Crazy, huh? I mean,

hell, Rocky was always just my best friend. My Rock, but now all
this shit is racing through my head. Things I never even knew I
noticed about him. And I’m feeling guilty. Not because I didn’t
know he loved me or any such bullshit. No, I’m feeling guilty
because Jeremy hasn’t even been gone a month and already I’m
thinking about some other guy.

“Rocky’s been in my life longer than Jeremy ever was. It

doesn’t matter Rocky is the only person who has always been there
for me my entire life. All of a sudden, I’m having trouble believing
I ever really loved Jeremy if I can see myself with someone else in
such a short time. What kind of shallow asshole am I?”

Stone stood and grabbed Stephan’s arms, hauling him to a stop.

Staring up at the taller man, Stephan wondered why he wasn’t
attracted to the bodyguard. Hell, he obviously was a fickle jerk
who could transfer his love easily from one man to another. If it
was true, then he should be willing to throw himself at Stone. The
man was handsome in a rough-edged way. He was solidly built,
but not in the way Rocky was. When Stephan looked at Rocky, he
saw a man who would stand against any storm life threw at him.
Rocky wouldn’t break to any kind of hurricane and he would hold
Stephan tight when Stephan worried he’d fly into a million pieces.

“You need to take a deep breath and settle down. You have

every right to take your time and decide if being more than friends
with Rocky is the right thing for both of you. You do have a
responsibility to Rocky now that you know how he truly feels
about you. You hold his heart in your hand and you can easily
break it with one careless gesture or thought.”

Stone smiled sadly. “But you’ll never lose Rocky as a friend

SHADES OF DREAMS

and that seems to be what you both are worried about. I’m not
judging you. Don’t rush into this. The possible relationship
between you and Rocky has the potential to be so much more than
just two men in love. Together, you can be the center of each
other’s world. But you have to make sure you’re really in love with
him and not just feeling forced to say you love him because of
what the others say.”

Stephan dropped his head to rest against Stone’s chest. Right

then he really wanted to call Rocky and talk to him about
everything, but this wasn’t something he could discuss with his
best friend. Not yet anyway.

Stepping back, he smiled at Stone. “Thanks. I’m going to bed.

Hopefully, I’ll have a grip tomorrow and not fly apart like this
again.”

“Oh, I think you’ll fly apart a few more times before this is

over. You’re mourning, Stephan, and it isn’t something that’ll be
over in a day or a month. It takes time to heal. You have good
friends and a man who is not only your best friend, but he loves
you more than anything else. I mean, hell, he was willing to let you
go to someone else.”

Stephan rolled his eyes. “You might want to work on that pep

talk, Stone.”

“Never said I knew what I should say, but I do know about

mourning. Trust me, you’ll always miss Jeremy. No one expects
you to forget him. And believe this, you never will.”

What put that sadness in Stone’s eyes? Did it have something

to do with his military service? Stephan wanted to know, yet he
didn’t have the strength to deal with Stone’s sorrow in addition to
his own.

He nodded and went to his room. After stripping, he climbed

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into bed, curled up on his side and stared at the wall across from
him.

“Jeremy, what should I do?” he whispered into the darkness.
::What does your heart tell you?::
“It tells me what you and I had is real, but I could have

something even stronger and better with Rocky. Does that make
me fickle and shallow?” He closed his eyes as tears welled in
them.

::No, it doesn’t make you fickle. It makes you human. We aren’t

meant to be alone, love. You know Rocky. You’ve been through a
lot of shit with him. Your heart already knows it can count on
him.::

“I loved you so much.”
He kept his eyes closed as what had to be a stray breeze

brushed the hair off his forehead.

::I know you did, and I loved you. I knew Rocky loved you. I

saw it the first time I ever saw the two of you together. Yet he
stepped back and let me have you. Maybe somehow he knew it
wouldn’t be forever. I taught you how to love, Stephan, and that
makes our memories strong. You’ll never forget me, but it’s time to
see where you can go with Rocky at your side and in your bed.::

Rolling over, he buried his face in the pillow and sobbed.

Christ, it was worse this time because he really felt like he was
saying good-bye to Jeremy. The presence he’d felt since hearing
about Jeremy’s death faded until it was just a memory in his mind.

Some of his turmoil eased. Saying he loved Rocky out loud

wouldn’t happen for a while, but he knew he cared for the man
more than he normally would for a friend. They would have to see
where that took them when he got back to California.

His phone beeped. He slid his finger across the screen, pulling

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up the text from Rocky.

Taking off. Txt u when home. Sweet dreams.
He smiled through his tears.
B safe. Try 2 sleep while flying. C u soon.
He might still be confused, yet he knew Stone told the truth. No

matter the outcome, he wouldn’t lose Rocky as a friend. That
foundation was solid and would never crack. It didn’t matter what
kind of pressure was put on it.

SHADES OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 7

Rocky wiped his palms on his jeans. Jesus, why was he

nervous? It was just Stephan, not some stranger. Hell, Stephan
knew all his embarrassing moments. He didn’t have to impress the
guy, yet there Rocky stood with sweaty palms and racing pulse.

“This is fucking crazy,” he muttered as he paced outside the

rehab center.

Ce glanced over at him. “Are you okay? Lee agreed to come

here. There’s no reason to think he won’t kick the heroin.”

“Oh, that’s not the problem. Lee’ll keep his word. I’m freaking

out about seeing Stephan for the first time after my big revelation.”

“But you’ve talked since then, haven’t you? I don’t think

you’ve ever gone longer than maybe three hours without talking to
each other in some way or another.” She frowned. “He isn’t mad at

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100

you, is he?”

“No, he’s not. And yes, we’ve talked, but not about our

situation. We’ve just talked about Lee and maybe taking a little
more time off before we head into the studio for the next record.”

She pursed her lips. “That might be a good idea. This has been

a tough couple of months for you all.”

“That’s why we talked to Amy last night and she got the label

to push back the studio dates. We’re big enough stars now that
they’re willing to make us happy instead of risk pissing us off.” He
chuckled. “Thank God, none of us are divas or they’d have been
less inclined to help us out.”

“Sweetheart, I’m a diva.”
He stiffened as Stephan’s voice drifted over to him. Turning, he

spotted his best friend and the others standing next to a large black
SUV.

“Isn’t that why you spend so much of your time trying to

convince people I’m not a complete asshole?”

The wink Stephan sent him eased him in a way nothing else

could have. Before he thought about it, he was across the parking
lot and sweeping Stephan into his arms for a huge hug. He brushed
a kiss over the man’s cheek, but didn’t do anything else. Stephan
wrapped his strong arms around him without hesitation. Rocky
took that as a good sign.

“God, it’s only been two days and I missed you,” he admitted

under his breath.

“That’s because, my dear friend, I’m addictive like the best

dark chocolate or heroin, but with none of the bad side affects like
getting fat or dying.” Stephan grinned before bringing his mouth
closer to Rocky’s ear. “I missed you, too, Rocky.”

All his nervousness and worry disappeared. No matter what,

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101

they would be okay. Friendships were hard to break, even when
one of the friends fell in love with the other. In love or not, they
would always be there for each other. Rocky didn’t plan on turning
away from Stephan, even if his friend decided he couldn’t love him
like that.

“Let’s do this.” Lee shifted from one foot to the other, his

hands clenched and resting on his hips.

“Right. I talked to Hal. He said he’s more than willing to take

you on as a project once you’re out of the center.”

“Dumb ass, I told you I don’t need a babysitter.” Lee growled

at him.

He grinned and hugged Lee quick with one arm around his

shoulders. “I know you don’t, buddy, but you do need someone to
keep an eye on you. He’s not going to control your every move or
anything, but he’s going to be your roommate for a month or so
while you adjust to being out in the big bad world without the
comfort of the drugs.”

“Where are we staying? I don’t have a place around here.”
Stephan spoke up. “You can stay at my place in Malibu. I’ll

make sure it’s cleaned out by the time you’re ready to get out.”

Rocky grabbed Stephan’s arm and dragged him away from the

group. He studied his friend, spying the signs of lingering sadness,
but also glimpsing the sparkle of happiness that used to shine in his
dark eyes before Jeremy’s death.

“Are you sure about that? Are you going to be ready to go

through Jeremy’s stuff so soon?”

“Soon? It’s going to be like another month or so before Lee

gets out of rehab. I’ll have plenty of time to go through it and see
what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of.”

“But you loved him.” He couldn’t help but point out.

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102

“Yes, I did and always will to a degree. The stuff at my house

is just things, Rocky. I know Jeremy’s gone and he’s not coming
back. My memories of us together are in my mind and heart, not in
objects.” Stephan cradled Rocky’s face in his hands. “By the time
we get around to cleaning the house out, I’ll be fine. There might
be some tears, but hey, I can’t always be happy, right?”

Rocky studied Stephan’s expression, trying to see if his friend

meant it or not. The sincerity in Stephan’s voice and on his face
told Rocky his friend had emerged from the dark side of grief into
the twilight of mourning.

“Fine, but I expect you to tell me if you need help.”
“You’ll be the first to know…since I’m moving in with you.”

Stephan laughed.

He hadn’t forgotten. In fact, the knowledge Stephan would be

in the same house as him, sleeping down the hall, kept him up at
night. His arms remembered what it was like to hold Stephan close
while they slept. It would be nice to do it when the man wasn’t
sobbing his eyes out, but Rocky wasn’t going to push that issue.

“Yeah. Your room’s clean and all ready for you.”
“Great.”
Stephan went back to where Lee and the others stood. Rocky

watched his friend walk away, trying not to stare at Stephan’s ass.
Not because he felt bad about doing it, but because there were
people around and it wouldn’t be right to ogle Stephan in a parking
lot.

Lee said good-bye to all of them, promising he’d call as soon

as he got those privileges. After he slipped through the front doors
of the center, the rest looked at each other. Stan broke the silence.

“I’m heading to the airport and back up to B.C. Since we’re

stretching our vacation out a while longer, I plan to get in as much

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103

fishing as I can.”

Stone nodded. “I’m going with him to the airport. I’m going

back home to finish up my leave. If you want me to work security
for you guys when you start touring again, just tell my bosses. I’m
sure they’ll assign me.”

Both Rocky and Stephan gave the big man a hug.
“Thanks for everything, man. You went above and beyond the

call of duty helping us out like this.” Rocky slapped him on the
back.

“Glad to help.” Stone headed over to the SUV, pulling out

Stephan’s bag. “Here, and take care of yourselves, guys. I won’t be
around to run interference.”

“Well, Rocky’s place is pretty well hidden, even in Carmel.

We’ll take it easy.” Stephan caught his bag and waved.

“Call us when you both get to where you’re going,” Rocky

yelled as the SUV started to roll away.

Stan stuck his hand out the window and gave them the “okay”

sign. Rocky turned back to see Stephan looking at him.

“What?”
“Maybe I should find somewhere else to stay. I just realized

how presumptive it was of me to think you’d let me stay with
you.”

Both Rocky and Ce slapped Stephan upside the head.
“Ow…what was that for?”
Tension stiffened Rocky’s shoulders again and he shook his

head. “I know why you’re doing this, Stephan, but you only have
two choices. Stay with me or stay with Pops. I’d offer Ce’s place,
but after two days with the children, you’d be ready for the psych
ward.”

Ce whirled on him. “Hey, my kids aren’t that bad.”

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104

“Of course not, sis.” He managed not to burst out laughing

when Stephan rolled his eyes behind Ce’s back. “I’m just saying
Stephan isn’t used to spending a lot of time with kids.”

“Dude, fine, I’ll stay with you. Your dad plays Frank Sinatra all

the fucking time. I mean, I like Sinatra and all, but I can’t take
listening to him twenty-four/seven.”

Good. Even if he wasn’t head over heels in love with Stephan,

he wouldn’t have wanted him to stay somewhere else. As far as
Rocky was concerned, nothing cured life’s problems like the
ocean.

“Let’s go before the media gets wind of this and descends on

this place. The other addicts will be thrilled to have cameras in
their faces.”

After hugging Ce, Rocky and Stephan climbed into Rocky’s

Mercedes SLS-AMG. Stephan chuckled as he shut the gull wing
doors.

“God, I love the doors on this thing. I bet you get guys and girls

salivating over it.”

He shot Stephan a wink before starting the car and pulling out

of the parking lot. “I get my fair share of both. Of course, I’m only
interested in the guys.”

“You should let Stan take this out. He’d think he died and gone

to heaven.”

Stephan ran his hand over the leather console, and Rocky

quickly diverted his thoughts to something other than how
Stephan’s hands would feel running over his skin. He’d managed
to keep those types of images out of his head for years when he
didn’t think he had a chance with Stephan. Now they tormented
him day and night. In fact, the night before, he’d jacked off,
imagining Stephan’s plump lips wrapped around his cock.

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105

“Hey, you okay?”
He jerked as Stephan touched his arm. Glancing over at his

friend, he nodded. “Yeah, why?”

“We’ve been sitting at this stop sign for a couple minutes and

there isn’t any traffic coming.” Stephan’s eyebrows shot up in
question.

“Oh, sorry. Got thinking about something,” he muttered and

pulled out.

They didn’t talk as Rocky navigated traffic out of Los Angeles

on his way to hitting Highway One. It was a longer drive back to
Carmel, but he liked the winding road along the coast. Stephan
reached over and fiddled with the radio. Rocky pushed a button
and the screen listing all his music popped up.

“I downloaded all the songs off my iPod into the system. That

way I’m not distracted while I drive. Pick something out.”

Stephan must have been in a rocking mood because soon the

thundering strains of Apocalyptica rang through the car. He
grinned at Stephan’s bobbing head.

“Who knew cellos could be so cool, huh?”
“I know, man. We should think about doing something like this

on our next album. Maybe do an orchestra arrangement or
something.” Stephan’s eyes lit up.

“I could write something new or maybe we could do a new

version of one of our old songs. See how that turns out.”

His mind started racing, flipping through songs he’d written

that would fit with an orchestration. They chatted about the
upcoming album, and the tour they were obligated to go on to
promote it next year. There were some cities they hadn’t hit in
their first two tours, so they wanted to make sure their fans
everywhere got a chance to see them. Also, there had been talk

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106

about doing a world tour. Amy was still negotiating that one.

Nothing had changed between them, except for a slightly

heightened awareness of each other, like they were checking each
other out without letting the other know about it. Christ, it was like
being in high school again and trying not to let the person you had
a crush on know about it.

Seven hours later, they pulled into Rocky’s driveway. After

turning off the car, they both sat for a moment, breathing in the salt
air. Rocky looked at Stephan and spied intense longing in his eyes.
He reached over and grasped Stephan’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you go down and sit on the beach for a little bit?

I’ll grab your bag, toss it in your room, and join you with some
beers in a few.”

“Thanks.” Stephan climbed out of the car and jogged around

the side of Rocky’s house down the path to the beach.

Rocky didn’t worry about Stephan being bothered by anyone.

The section of the shoreline he and his neighbors were on tended to
be off the beaten path from the tourists and visitors. He even left
two chairs out there near the water for the times he wanted to relax
and needed to stick his toes in the sand.

He got Stephan’s bag out of the trunk and went inside. After

leaving the bag on the bed in Stephan’s room and changing into
swim trunks, Rocky wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a
bucket from one of the cabinets. He filled it with ice and stuffed
several bottles of Corona in it. He cut up a couple of limes,
sticking them in a baggie.

Dropping his phone on the counter, Rocky decided they

weren’t going to worry about other people the rest of the day.
Relaxation was something both of them needed. Rocky grabbed
the beer and limes from the refrigerator, then scooped up the bag

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107

of chips off the counter.

Stephan sprawled in one of the chairs, his socks and shoes in

the sand beside him. He’d rolled up his jeans so the water could
wash over his feet without getting them wet. Rocky set everything
between them and pulled a beer out of the ice, popping off the cap.

“Here.” He touched the cold bottle to Stephan’s shoulder.
“Shit, man, that’s cold.” Stephan shivered, but took it from

him. “Do you sit out here all the time?”

“Pretty much all day since I got back from New York. I fill a

bucket with ice and beer, grab a bag of chips, and sit. If it wouldn’t
fuck up my back, I’d probably sleep out here.” Rocky settled back
in his chair, staring out over the water. His sunglasses blocked the
glare of the sunlight off the ocean.

“I can see why you bought this place.”
Rocky watched every inch of his friend relax the longer they

sat there. Stephan stripped off his shirt, and Rocky trailed his gaze
over the displayed skin. A runner’s build was what Ce called
Stephan’s body type. Lean, but muscular. There wasn’t anything
weak about Stephan and the tattoos they indulged in decorated his
pale gold skin wonderfully.

“You know, I think you’re the only person I’ve ever done this

with,” Stephan said quietly as they watched the sun dip below the
horizon.

“Do what?” Rocky finished his first beer and dropped the bottle

to the ground before picking up his next one and opening it. He
pushed the lime through the opening and watched the beer foam
for a few seconds.

“Just sit and watch the ocean, not saying anything. Not because

we don’t have anything to talk about to each other, but because we
don’t have to say it. We know what the other’s thinking.”

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108

Rocky shrugged. “Maybe that was true once, but since you

started dating Jeremy, I don’t know what you’re thinking
anymore.”

Stephan shot him a glare. “I call bullshit on that, my friend.”
“What’s that mean?” Rocky didn’t meet Stephan’s gaze.
“I loved Jeremy, but he never got me like you do. I think he

was puzzled by some of the things I did.” Stephan snatched
another Corona and took a long drink from him. “Does it bother
you to hear me talk about him?”

Rocky frowned, studying the yellow alcohol in the bottle he

held in his hand. “Why would it? I mean he was your boyfriend,
Stephan. I’m not going to act like he never existed. That’s not the
kind of guy I am.”

Stephan sighed, and without looking, reached over to rest his

hand on Rocky’s knee. “I know you don’t begrudge me any of the
time I had with Jeremy. Thank you for letting me have him.”

Sighing, Rocky covered Stephan’s hand with his. “You’re

welcome.”

How long had it taken Stephan to realize one of the reasons

why Rocky had never said anything about loving him?

“You and your family showed me what love was, and Jeremy

taught me how to love. I’m ready.”

His throat grew tight and he swallowed to try and clear the

lump in it. “Ready for what?”

Stephan slid out of his chair onto his knees, wedging his body

between Rocky’s thighs. After letting his beer fall and giving up
his hold on Rocky’s hand, he cradled Rocky’s face in his hands.
Rocky bit his lip, staring into his best friend’s dark eyes.

“I’m ready to see if it will work between us.” Stephan closed

his eyes and inhaled deeply. “Listen, I’m still mourning Jeremy,

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109

but something tells me he would be more than happy to see me
move on. And if I’m moving on to you, he’d be thrilled because I
believe if he’d met you first, he’d have fallen in love with you.”

“Honey, that didn’t make any sense.” Rocky took Stephan’s

hands off his face and entwined their fingers.

“I always thought Jeremy had a little bit of a crush on you,”

Stephan admitted.

Rocky frowned. Why would Jeremy crush on him when he had

Stephan in his arms and bed every night?

“He seemed to understand you better than I ever did.” Stephan

paused and tilted his head. “Maybe it was because he paid better
attention to other people than I do.”

“Not true. You’ve always known when I need to be alone. You

shield me from a lot of things I don’t want to have to deal with.
Just like I do for you. We complement each other.”

Not thinking about the consequences, he lifted Stephan’s hands

to his mouth and kissed the knuckles. Stephan’s low gasp brought
Rocky’s gaze to his and Rocky dropped them to his lap.

“I’m sorry. You might think you’re ready for it, but I’m not

sure you are. I don’t want to rush you into anything. You’re my
best friend and more than anything, I don’t want to take advantage
of that.”

Stephan surged up onto his knees, slid his hands around the

back of Rocky’s head, and crushed their lips together. Oh, God.
Rocky’s mind short-circuited. All those years of wanting and
wishing. All those nights of imagining what it would be like to
have Stephan kiss him and there they were, sitting on the beach in
the twilight, kissing.

“Come on. I know you can kiss better than that,” Stephan

whispered against his lips.

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110

Hell, yes, he could. He launched himself from his chair,

pinning Stephan to the sand, burying his hands in Stephan’s hair,
and molded his mouth to his best friend’s. No more worrying about
whether or not Stephan was ready for this step. Whatever regrets
they would have would be faced afterward. Rocky wanted to learn
what his friend tasted like.

He licked along the seam of Stephan’s mouth, demanding

entrance, and Stephan complied, opening willingly. Rocky dipped
his tongue in, stroking along Stephan’s, drawing a moan from the
man under him. Beer and lime with a spicy undertone all Stephan.
Rocky confessed to himself he could easily become addicted to the
taste.

Stephan met him kiss for kiss, not giving him a moment to

over-think the issue. Teeth nibbled on plump bottom lips. Tongues
dueled with each other. Hands remained where they were. They
rocked together, bodies straining for more, yet neither of them
wanted to rush into the next step. Kissing suited them both right
then.

Finally, when their lungs demanded oxygen, they broke apart.

Panting, Rocky rested his forehead against Stephan’s and tried to
bring his racing heart under control. Stephan stared at him, stunned
amusement in his eyes.

“Now I know why all those guys you were with walked around

with glazed eyes. Damn, you know how to fucking kiss, my
friend.”

Rocky’s face grew hot and he couldn’t believe he was

blushing. Lord knew he hadn’t blushed since he was in grade
school. Rolling off Stephan, he flopped onto his back and stared up
at the few stars beginning to shine in the sky. Stephan didn’t say
anything else, just reached over and took Rocky’s hand. He laid it

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111

on his stomach, tangled with his own fingers, and they stayed
quiet.

Soon the heat of the day disappeared and Rocky shivered in the

damp ocean air. He sighed and gently reclaimed his hand. Stephan
helped him gather the beer and chips. His stomach growled as they
entered his kitchen.

“Guess we should find something to eat, huh? Lila was

supposed to stock the fridge for me. I’m going to change. Dig out
what you might want to eat and we’ll make dinner when I get
back.”

Stephan waved to him as the man headed to the fridge. Rocky

smiled and went to wipe off the sand from the beach and change
into jeans and a sleeveless T-shirt. He padded back, loving the fact
he didn’t have to wear shoes in his own house.

He stopped in the doorway, watching as Stephan puttered

around the kitchen, pulling pots out and humming to himself. His
friend be-bopped to some tune in his head. Rocky’s gaze landed on
Stephan’s ass, swaying to the silent rhythm. Yep, he found Stephan
very sexy, tight faded jeans lovingly covering a firm ass and strong
thighs. It wasn’t like Rocky had never seen Stephan naked before,
but the next time they were sans clothing together it would be
different. It would be for the purpose of sex, Rocky was sure of
that, and it made things different.

“Do you feel awkward now?”
He raised his eyes and met Stephan’s gaze reflected in the

window. So Stephan had been aware he was there all along. Rocky
knew he should probably have been embarrassed at being caught
looking, but hell, if Stephan wasn’t mad, he wouldn’t be ashamed
of checking him out.

“Not really. I guess I’m still trying to process things.” Rocky

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112

pushed from the doorframe and strolled over to where Stephan
stood by the stove. “What are we having for dinner?”

Stephan accepted Rocky’s change of subject. “There was some

cooked chicken and romaine. Thought we’d have chicken Caesar
salads for now. It’s easy to make and not too much of a mess. I
don’t feel like a big dinner tonight. Kind of tired. Had to get up
early to fly out here.”

“Good idea.”
He chopped up the salad while Stephan took care of the

chicken and making the dressing. Soon their salads were done and
they sat at the island counter. He’d grabbed them more beer before
they started eating.

“So do you want to do anything special tomorrow? Or are you

going to sleep in, put on your swim trunks, and move out to the
chairs?” He nudged Stephan’s knee with his own.

Stephan shrugged. “I have to start working out again. It’s been

a while since I’ve run or anything like that.”

“I’m usually up by eight at the latest. Do you want me to get

you up and you can go running with me?” He took a bite of salad
and chewed, swallowing it before he continued. “There’s a gym I
use just down the road. The people there are cool and don’t gush or
anything like that. Though I’m thinking about putting a gym here
in one of the basement rooms. There’s enough room down there to
set it up really nice.”

“Sounds like a good idea. Both running with you in the

morning and setting up your own gym. I know that sometimes you
don’t sleep well at night. Having a place you can work off some
steam might be wise.”

How had Stephan known about Rocky’s insomnia? It hadn’t

started up until after Rocky’s mom died, and by that time, Stephan

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113

had his own place in Malibu. They didn’t share a room when they
were on the road either. He froze as Stephan reached out and
stroked a finger over the sensitive skin under his right eye.

“You get black circles under your eyes when you haven’t been

sleeping. It might not seem like it to you, or anyone else for that
matter, but I do pay attention to what’s happening to you.”

Rocky captured Stephan’s hand in his and smiled. “I never

once said you didn’t pay attention to me. I don’t care what others
think and you need to not pay attention to them when they say shit
like that. We know the truth and that’s all that matters.”

“What truth is that? If I wasn’t self-centered and self-absorbed,

maybe I would have caught on to the fact that you loved me a little
sooner.” Stephan grimaced.

Rocky shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
Stephan opened his mouth, and Rocky pressed his finger

against the man’s lips to keep him from talking.

“No, that’s not important right now, Stephan. It’s all in the

past. I’m not going to torture you with recriminations about all
those times you should’ve known what I was thinking. I’m a big
boy. I could’ve said something to you, but I didn’t want to say
anything when I didn’t know if you were gay or not. Hell, how
many girls did you date during high school? I mean, seriously,
man, you went through like the entire cheerleading squad.”

Stephan chuckled. “I’ll be honest. When we were in high

school, I’d have fucked anything simply to get my rocks off. But I
know what you mean. It didn’t freak me out when you told us all
that you were gay, but I might have been weirded out a little by
you admitting you liked me. I wasn’t very mature back then.”

“Neither of us was.”
“I think you had a head start on getting a grip on yourself.”

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114

Stephan eyed him. “I’m sorry if I hurt you at any point, Rock. I
never meant to do that.”

He nodded. “I know, Stephan. I’m a big boy, and I could’ve

changed things if I really wanted to. I think one of the reasons I
never said anything was so I didn’t have to risk rejection. It was
easier daydreaming about what might be instead of having reality
hit me in the face and knowing it would never happen.”

“You really thought about all this.”
Rocky took another bite of salad and nodded. “I had a little bit

of time to go over things before you got here. I sat out by the water
and thought about why I never did say anything to you. Especially
when we got older. In high school, I was still too insecure about
the whole gay thing to really step out of my comfort zone and tell
you.”

“And once I figured out I liked guys, you were so used to not

saying anything.”

“Plus you never came out and said anything to me about it until

you introduced me to Jeremy. By then it was too late, and I didn’t
want to ruin things for you by opening my mouth.”

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CHAPTER 8

Tilting his head, Stephan studied Rocky. Solid and muscular,

Rocky was the antithesis of Jeremy, who had been built lean like
Stephan. A shiver tripped down Stephan’s spine at the thought of
being covered by Rocky’s body pressing him into the mattress. He
remembered how it felt to be under him on the beach while kissing
and Stephan swore his cock shivered with excitement. It wanted
more of that, only very naked touching needed to be involved.

“I appreciate you putting your feelings aside to help me grow

as a person,” he murmured.

Rocky frowned, looking puzzled by Stephan’s comment.

“Grow as a person?”

“Sure.”
It was time to tell someone what he’d gone through as a kid.

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116

He’d never opened that can of worms with Jeremy. Maybe if their
relationship had been allowed to continue and grow even deeper,
he would have been able to breach the walls around his heart. Yet
all his bad moments wanted to trip off his tongue and land at
Rocky’s feet. He pushed to his feet and reached for his friend’s
plate.

“Are you done?”
Rocky nodded his head and they cleaned up the kitchen quietly.

After everything was put away, they stood in the middle of the
room, looking at each other. Stephan held out his hand.

“Come sit with me?”
He smiled as Rocky entwined their fingers and led him to the

living room, where they curled together on the couch. Rocky
turned off the lights, so they stared out of the floor-to-ceiling glass
doors at the ocean. Even though the doors were closed, they could
still hear the waves washing over the sand.

Stephan ran his hand over Rocky’s chest down to where the

hem of his T-shirt rested. He slipped his hand under to stroke over
the ridges of Rocky’s abs.

“Jesus, you spend a lot of time working out, don’t you?”
Rocky trembled slightly, and Stephan grinned at the thought it

was his touch making the man react that way.

“Sometimes there isn’t anything else to do at two in the

morning when you can’t sleep. I either work out or I write songs.”

“Hmmm…” He hummed his appreciation of firm muscles and

the warm skin stretched over them.

Silence filled the room again as they teased with fleeting

swipes of fingers over skin. Finally, when he couldn’t take it
anymore without stripping off all his clothes and begging Rocky to
take him, Stephan eased back and met Rocky’s gaze.

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“I told you I was an orphan and that’s why I was in the foster

care system.”

Rocky nodded. “But you weren’t.”
“How did you know?” He thought he hadn’t dropped any clues

about having parents he remembered.

“Every once in a while, when you had a nightmare, you’d cry

out for your mother, asking her why she did whatever she did. I
could never make out that part of it.”

“She tried selling me to make money for her drug habit.”

Stephan stared down at Rocky’s shirt, not seeing the dark fabric in
front of him, but the cold, emotionless gaze of his mother.

“Shit. No wonder you didn’t want to admit to having a mother.

Where was your father in all this?”

“Oh, he was there, but he didn’t care either. He was a junkie,

just like her. I guess he figured whatever money she got for me
would help feed his habit as well.”

“Did they ever act like parents?” Rocky’s question was soft,

like he didn’t want to bring up bad memories for Stephan.

Stephan didn’t think he had to tell his friend that all the

memories from his childhood were bad. He shook his head.

“I was born addicted to crack, but I managed to survive the

addiction. My grandma took care of me until I was two, then she
died. After that, somehow my parents got custody of me again. I’m
not sure how they convinced anyone they’d cleaned up their act.”

“How did you manage not to have any birth defects because of

the drugs?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Just dumb luck, I guess, or maybe

all those prayers Grandma said while she held me worked.”

Rocky embraced him, wiggling so Stephan ended up sprawled

across Rocky’s lap, snuggled tight. He laid his head on Rocky’s

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chest, listening to the steady beat of his friend’s heart.

“Even as a little kid, I had to fend for myself. I survived not

having enough food to eat and dodging fists whenever my parents
fought, which was all the time. Or I hid away when their anger
turned toward me. I had a lot of bruises, but I learned never to
show how much they hurt me.”

Rocky didn’t say anything, but Stephan could feel anger in the

stiffness of the man’s muscles. He smoothed his hands over
Rocky’s arms.

“Easy, honey. It’s all right. I’ve gotten over it for the most part.

Just some remaining nightmares and psychological baggage. Not
beating the shit out of you in eighth grade was the smartest thing
I’ve ever done.”

Easing him back a little, Rocky met his smug gaze with an

inquiring one of his own. “Not kicking my ass? Are you sure you’d
have won? You were rather puny back then.”

“Of course I’d have won. You wouldn’t have used your full

strength on me. You were a nice guy.”

Stephan could see Rocky’s agreement in the quirk of the man’s

lips.

“Instead of beating you up, I asked if you wanted to come try

some of my mom’s spaghetti.”

“You don’t know how shocked I was by that invitation. I was

so used to being ignored by all the others. Even back in junior
high, you were the big dog. The guy everyone wanted to hang out
with. I never thought you even knew my name.”

Rocky chuckled. “I always knew who you were. From the

moment you walked into homeroom, all I could think of was
talking to you. I couldn’t seem to work up the courage. Then Billy
Reynolds decided to pick on you. It gave me the opening I was

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looking for.”

“I always wondered why you jumped into the fight. Figured

rescuing the damsel in the distress would give you automatic
access to her heart, huh?” he teased.

“Nah, man. I did think it might give you a reason to talk to me.

Let you know I could be trusted not to knock the shit out of your
smart ass. God, the shit you’d talk, even when you were
outnumbered.” Rocky sighed. “I guess you came by your tough
guy act naturally. Had to be rough growing up in a house like
that.”

Stephan whispered a touch over Rocky’s hand where it lay on

his stomach. “I had you pegged as a spoiled rich kid with
everything handed to you on a silver platter.”

“Right. My dad was an electrician and the only silver in our

house was Grandma’s good silverware.”

“Yet after meeting your family, I thought you were the richest

kid in the world. You had parents who loved you and an older
sister who adored you.” He stopped for a second, then laughed. “I
was so jealous of you.”

Rocky placed a finger under Stephan’s chin and lifted it until

their gazes met. “My parents loved you just like a son. Once they
got to know you, there wasn’t any difference between us for
them.”

“I know, and that was just unbelievable for me. The first night I

came over to your house, I was actually thinking about casing it to
come back at some other time and rob you.”

“I knew it wasn’t because you suddenly decided to become my

friend.” Rocky rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t that gullible, but I wanted
to give you a try. See if you could be tamed, or if you were too
feral to be friends.”

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Stephan snuggled closer and buried his nose in the crook where

Rocky’s neck and shoulder came together. He breathed deep,
loving the scent of sweat, salt, and man mingled with the spicy
smell all Rocky’s own.

“I’m happy you never gave up, no matter how many times I

pushed you away. I looked forward to going to your house after
school. It was the place I wished I’d grown up in. It was why I
spent so much time at your house.”

“My parents tried to become foster parents, so you could come

and live with us. But for some reason, they were turned down.”
Rocky ran his fingers through Stephan’s hair. “In a way, I’m glad
they didn’t get approved. I probably would’ve freaked out,
knowing I fell in love with my foster brother. It wouldn’t have
mattered that we weren’t blood related.”

Stephan leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Rocky’s lips.

“Your family welcomed me and it doesn’t matter that I couldn’t
come to live with you officially. I still managed to spend as much
time with you all as I could. I have to admit, my foster parents
were thrilled when I became friends with you. At least I wasn’t
running the streets with kids who could get me arrested and I
wasn’t nearly as belligerent as I used to be. They could use not
letting me go with you after school as punishment if I didn’t
behave.”

Rocky hummed and kissed him. Their tongues met, stroking

and teasing. He encouraged Rocky to invade his mouth, and
Stephan sucked on Rocky’s tongue. He enjoyed the taste of hops
and the moist heat of Rocky’s lips.

He tilted his head back as Rocky tightened his grip on his hair,

and Rocky trailed his lips down over Stephan’s jaw to suck gently
on his Adam’s apple. Stephan moaned, moving to straddle Rocky’s

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lap and rocking their pelvises together.

“Fuck.” Rocky groaned. “You know how long I’ve imagined

feeling that?”

“I’m sorry to make you wait,” he murmured, keeping up the

pressure.

“Don’t apologize. That’s not important anymore. You’re here

with me and that’s all that matters.”

Rocky slid his hands down to the hem of Stephan’s shirt and

tugged on it. Stephan got the hint. He stripped it off and tossed it
over his shoulder, not caring where it landed. Stephan shuddered as
Rocky made his way down Stephan’s chest to his nipples.
Wrapping his hands around Rocky’s head, Stephan didn’t allow
Rocky to move away. Rocky sucked on the hard flesh, using his
teeth to pinch it.

“Oh, wow.” Stephan breathed in a rush as the desire and hint of

pain danced through him.

Rocky moved to the other nipple after the first one was red and

pulsing. Stephan’s body ached, needing release. Christ, he’d never
gotten so hot from just kissing before. Not even Jeremy could get
him revved as fast as Rocky sucking on his nipples could. Maybe it
had more to do with the feel of his rough hands on his back or the
hard length of his cock rubbing against Stephan’s.

Stephan was so caught up in Rocky’s mouth on his skin, he

didn’t even notice when Rocky moved them until his back hit the
cool fabric of the couch. He spread his legs, dropping one over the
edge of the couch, bracing his foot on the floor, and he lifted the
other to drape over the back cushions. God, what a slut he must
look like.

He groaned as Rocky settled over him, pushing him into the

cushions.

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“Yes,” he whimpered, arching his hips and begging with every

inch of his body. “Please.”

“Just a second.” Rocky eased back slightly, making enough

room for his hands to fumble with buttons and zippers.

Their groans mingled as hot, stiff flesh hit hot, stiff flesh.

Stephan reached behind him and braced his hands against the arm
of the couch, while Rocky wrapped his fingers around their pricks,
stroking and pumping.

“Oh, Rocky, more.”
Surging up, he slammed his lips to Rocky’s and devoured his

soon-to-be lover’s mouth. The rhythm they established was perfect
and mind-blowing. All Stephan knew was how right it felt to have
Rocky moving over him. His cock swelled and his balls tightened.

“I’m gonna come…” he warned.
“Good. I want to know you’re with me.” Rocky gritted his

teeth as his movements sped up.

Rocky leaned down and bit the top of Stephan’s shoulder, not

hard enough to draw blood, but strong enough to let Stephan know
it happened.

“Fuck!”
Hot liquid covered his stomach as he came, spilling his spunk

all over them. Rocky grunted and more wetness mingled with his.
They trembled until it felt like the last drop was squeezed from
both of them.

His breath whooshed out of him as Rocky collapsed on top of

him. “Omph.”

“Sorry. As soon as I can remember how to move, I’ll get off

you.”

“At least you got me off before you squashed me.”
Rocky snorted, and Stephan smiled, running his hands over

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Rocky’s back under his shirt.

“Maybe next time we should be naked. It might be more fun.”
Nodding, Rocky pushed up and off. He took the hand Rocky

offered him and let his friend haul him to his feet. They stripped
off the rest of their clothes and wandered down the hall to the
master bathroom.

Stephan rested his hip against the sink in the bathroom, while

Rocky started the shower. He admired the curve of Rocky’s ass as
his friend bent over to test the water. He reached out and trailed his
finger down Rocky’s crease, rubbing a little over his pucker.
Rocky moaned and pushed back.

“Are you a just a giver or will you take it as well?”
Rocky shot him a hot glance over his shoulder. “I like to

switch. As long as it’s fun and I can get off, I don’t mind whether
I’m fucking or getting fucked.”

“Oh, good.” To be honest, Stephan liked to feel a thick cock in

his ass the best, but every once in a while, he liked to fuck his
lover. It was good to know Rocky would be amendable to that.

When the water was warm and steam filled the room, they

climbed in and washing with lots of slippery soap commenced. His
cock twitched, regaining its interest in Rocky. Rocky’s prick stood
proud from the nest of dark brown curls at its base.

“Stephan.”
“Huh?” He looked up from where he stood drying off.
“You said your parents tried to sell you for drug money. Did

they succeed?”

The question was casual, though Stephan could tell his answer

was important to him.

“They approached a guy who’d sold them some drugs. They

thought if they gave me to him, they’d have like a credit or

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something. Not sure what was going through their head.” He
tossed the towel over the rack and padded out to Rocky’s bed.
After flopping onto the mattress, he stared up at the ceiling. “He
bought me and hustled me out of the apartment. I fought like a mad
man. I might’ve been young, but I knew what was in store for me
wasn’t going to be good.”

Rocky joined him and snuggled up behind him, back to chest.

Stephan covered Rocky’s hands lying on his stomach. He absorbed
Rocky’s strength and support.

“What happened?” Rocky’s breath bathed the back of

Stephan’s neck.

“Again, whatever guardian angel I had looking over me was at

work. The guy who bought me was actually an undercover cop. He
didn’t want to blow his cover because he hadn’t finished gathering
information about the case he was working on. So he dumped me
at the police station and the cops went to arrest my parents for
child neglect.”

He closed his eyes as Rocky nibbled along his neck, sighing

and offering more skin for Rocky to taste. His heart pounded and
thoughts whirled around his head.

“Am I fickle?” The question burst out before he could stop it.
“What do you mean?”
Rocky pulled away and tugged on Stephan’s shoulder, rolling

him over on his back so he could stare down at him.

“It suddenly hit me I told you earlier that I wanted to take my

time and yet here I am, wrapped in your arms after having jerked
off with you. Plus I’m thinking about how soon I can get you to
fuck me.” Stephan bit his lip.

“I can’t answer that for you, Stephan. Do you feel guilty like

you should mourn some more or should take more time?” Rocky

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shrugged. “See, the thing I’m thinking is that we’ve known each
other for a long time. It’s not like I’m some stranger you picked up
at a bar to help you forget Jeremy…or the pain of losing him.”

Rocky paused, and Stephan spied the worry skirting through

the man’s eyes.

“What?”
“Should I be worried I’m the rebound guy?”
“Rebound guy? What’s that?”
“It’s the guy you sleep with after a bad break-up or the end of a

relationship. He doesn’t mean anything and there’s no love
involved. Just sex.”

Stephan didn’t know if he should be hurt or pissed off at Rocky

for even suggesting there wasn’t love between them. He poked
Rocky in the chest and glared.

“I’ve always loved you, man. That will never change. Oh, wait,

it did change. Before Jeremy, I loved you like you were my brother
because I didn’t know any other kind of love. I didn’t know
passion and desire. The burning need to have the person I love
buried deep inside me, filling me with want and blowing my mind
with each touch.”

Rocky nodded. “I’ve been there a time or two, though it wasn’t

a consuming love where I saw myself with him forever. There was
only one guy I could ever see spending my entire life with.”

Stephan slid his hand around the back of Rocky’s head and

brought him down for a kiss. He explored every inch of Rocky’s
mouth, taking his time and loving the sounds Rocky made deep in
his throat. When he broke off their contact, Rocky blinked at him,
surprise and hunger sharp in his gaze.

“I know who you were waiting for, and I’m sorry to make you

wait so long,” he murmured.

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“It’s no big deal.” Rocky tried to brush it off.
“No, it is a big deal. I know your heart broke when I introduced

you to Jeremy. You thought any chance you might have had with
me was gone. Why didn’t you ever kick my ass about this?”

He moved with Rocky as the other man rolled onto his back,

leaving Stephan draped over him like a blanket. Stephan rested his
chin on his folded hands and stared at Rocky. His friend shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I just wasn’t brave enough to risk our

friendship or ruining our relationship if you didn’t feel the same
way.” Rocky growled in frustration. “It was more than not wanting
our friendship to change. I knew you cared for me as a friend. I
didn’t want you to confuse that with being in love with me.”

“And you were a little afraid, admit it?”
“Sure I was. Hell, you’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,

Stephan. How do you think I’d feel if you let me down gently? If I
can’t get the Sexiest Man in the World to find me attractive, what
kind of hideous monster am I?”

Stephan glared at Rocky. “You’re kidding, right? I’ve been

telling you for years how good looking you are. You never believe
me. Christ, dude, you have men and women drooling all over
themselves because of you. You get more fan mail than I do. If you
were ever to sing out front on stage, you’d have to beat them off
with a stick.”

“I do sing.” Rocky’s gaze slid to the side.
“Sure you do. Back-up and hidden behind your drum kit. Not

the same as getting out there and shaking those hips while you’re
belting out a song.” Stephan shivered at the remembrance of the
adrenaline rush he always experienced when he stepped on stage.

“You love the high of performing. It’s your drug of choice and

that’s what makes you the best lead singer a band could have.”

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Rocky ran his hands through Stephan’s hair. “The rest of us are
background for you.”

Rolling his eyes, Stephan decided not to argue. He had the

feeling he would never be able to convince Rocky just how hot the
man was.

Rocky slipped his hands down over Stephan’s back to get a

hard grip on his ass. Moaning, Stephan wiggled and snaked his
body until he covered Rocky from chest to knee. Their cocks lined
up and the pre-cum dripping from both eased the friction as they
danced to the sexual music in their heads.

Stephan kissed and sucked Rocky’s neck, leaving little marks

in his wake. He pushed back into Rocky’s hands, loving the feel of
strength and leashed power as Rocky massaged his cheeks. When
one rough finger caressed his opening, Stephan whimpered.

“Fuck being fickle,” he muttered, sitting up so he straddled

Rocky’s hips. “Where’s your lube and condoms?”

“Ummm…are you sure?” Rocky gestured to the nightstand.
Stephan stretched, getting his fingers on the handle to open the

drawer. His eyes rolled in his head as Rocky kept playing with his
hole. He shoved back and gasped as the tip of Rocky’s finger slid
into him. Stephan whimpered when Rocky eased out of him and
jumped when his hand landed on his ass cheek with a slap.

“Don’t get distracted, honey. Lube and rubbers, then we’ll see

about stuffing you full.”

“Fuck me.” His words were low and harsh.
Rocky laughed. “I thought that was what we were going to do.”
Shooting Rocky a glare, Stephan returned to his place on

Rocky’s lap. “Give me your hand.”

Rocky seemed to have lost his ability to talk because he just

held out his fingers to Stephan without any more joking. Stephan

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popped the top of the bottle and squirted some lube out onto them.
He turned, presenting his butt to Rocky while he tore open the foil
and removed the condom from the packet.

Their mutual hisses filled the air as Rocky sank his fingers into

Stephan, and Stephan rolled the rubber down over Rocky’s cock.
They picked up the same rhythm like they’d been making love
together for years. One push in and Stephan jerked as electrical
shock rushed through him.

“Right there. Again,” he demanded.
Rocky obeyed and soon Stephan was fucking himself on

Rocky’s fingers, savoring the feel of fullness, but needing more.
He tore himself away and whirled around again. Reaching behind,
he encircled Rocky’s prick and held it still while he impaled
himself on the thick flesh.

“Shit, Stephan,” Rocky ground out between clenched teeth.

“You’re so fucking tight.”

“It’s been a while. At least since we started our last tour.”
He leaned forward, bracing his hands on Rocky’s chest, while

Rocky’s hands landed on his hips to keep him balanced. Stephan
closed his eyes and let his mind take a hike. All he wanted was to
get fucked, taken hard and fast until he screamed out Rocky’s
name.

Stephan lifted up, letting Rocky slip out until only the tip of his

cock was inside. He dropped back down, crying out as the head of
Rocky’s prick bumped his gland. The sound of skin slapping skin
echoed through the room. The scent of sweat and sex enticed his
nose and Stephan’s shaft swelled as his climax built.

“Need more,” he gasped out. “Harder. Deeper.”
Rocky’s sudden move surprised him, but somehow his lover

managed to flip them without slipping out. His legs went over

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Rocky’s shoulders and Stephan cried out as Rocky started reaming
his ass. His breath ripped from him with each thrust in. He pushed
his hands against the headboard and met each of Rocky’s strokes
with one of his own.

“Rocky, gonna…” Stephan warned as his balls drew tight and

the tingling at the base of his spine exploded into white ropy
strings of cum across his stomach.

“God damn, Stephan,” Rocky shouted as his hips jerked and he

filled the condom.

Rocky managed to keep his arms straight, so Stephan didn’t

have to worry about being squished by him, though he wouldn’t
have minded to have all that sweaty skin pressing against him.

As soon as they got their breathing calmed down, Rocky pulled

out, drawing a moan from Stephan. He lay there while Rocky
climbed out of bed and padded to the bathroom. The sound of
running water trickled over his ears and he considered getting up to
wash off as well. Before he could make good on his thought,
Rocky came back and sat down on the bed next to him.

Stephan smiled and touched Rocky’s cheek as his lover cleaned

him up. “Are you okay? Did it live up to all your expectations?”

Rocky snorted. “Not sure if I want to tell you. It might give you

a swelled head.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He stretched, enjoying the ache in his

ass. A yawn shocked him and he sighed as he closed his eyes.
“Come back to bed and let’s get some sleep.”

He didn’t see what Rocky did, but he heard the splat as the

damp cloth hit the floor. The mattress dipped when Rocky climbed
back in bed. Stephan rolled over onto his side, giving Rocky the
opportunity to wrap his arms around him and spoon with him.

It felt like he’d come home.

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CHAPTER 9

Ringing woke Rocky the next morning and he wrinkled his

nose, trying to figure out who the warm, naked body in bed with
him was. He didn’t remember going out and picking someone up
last night. Hell, he hadn’t done that in a while. The man next to
him sighed and reached back to pinch his ass.

“Ow.” He rubbed the injured skin.
“Are you going to answer that?”
Holy shit! It wasn’t a dream. He and Stephan really did have

sex last night. Blinking, Rocky tried to make sense of all his
dreams coming true in such a sudden manner. The phone rang
some more, and Stephan rolled over on his back to look at him.

“Are you one of those annoying people who can ignore a

ringing phone? Because I’m not, and if you don’t want anyone to

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know we’re sleeping together, you might want to answer that.”

“Why wouldn’t I want anyone to know?”
Stephan rolled his eyes and dropped over the side of the bed to

crawl to where Rocky’s jeans lay on the floor. He dug through the
pockets to find the phone. Holding it up in triumph, he flipped it
open.

“Rocky’s phone,” Stephan answered.
Rocky glanced over to see Stephan grin.
“Hey, Pop, how’s it going?”
Damn, his dad. Rocky didn’t really want to talk to his dad at

the moment. He bolted from the bed and raced into the bathroom,
shutting the door behind him. Bracing his hands on the counter, he
stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes widened at the small red
marks scattered over his neck and chest. Who knew Stephan was
so oral?

Rocky didn’t remember seeing any marks on Jeremy, though

admittedly, he didn’t look very closely. As good-looking as Jeremy
had been, Rocky wasn’t going to spend his time checking the man
out when he could look at Stephan instead.

Shaking his head, Rocky reached out and turned on the faucet.

He splashed cold water on his face, hung his head, and laughed.
When he thought about the possibility of him and Stephan getting
together, he always thought Stephan would be the one who freaked
out. Especially this soon after Jeremy’s death.

The door opened and Stephan strolled in. Rocky straightened

and turned, resting his ass on the edge of the counter. He didn’t
protest as Stephan stepped up into his personal space. Stephan’s
dark eyes studied him, and he forced a smile.

“Are you freaking out?”
He lifted one shoulder in a small shrug. “Maybe.”

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“Why? Dude, I should be feeling guilty and moaning about

how I was cheating on the memory of my dead lover, not you.”

“It’s not so much guilt or anything like that. I think I’ve just

been wishing for this to happen for so long, now that it has, I’m not
sure what to do.”

Stephan’s smile was gentle and his kiss soft as he molded his

lips to Rocky’s. There wasn’t anything Rocky could do except grip
Stephan’s hips and wish his lover a good morning. The kiss
continued until Rocky’s muscles went limp and he leaned on
Stephan, knowing his friend would hold him up.

“There, that’s better,” Stephan murmured.
“For a few minutes anyway. What did Pop want?”
“He wanted to know if we were coming over for the USC-

UCLA game.”

Rocky tilted his head and met Stephan’s gaze. “What did you

tell him?”

Stephan shot him an incredulous look. “I told him we’d be

there. Did you think I’d tell him no? Are you crazy?”

He laughed because he understood what Stephan meant. Every

Saturday during college football season, they would converge on
Pop’s house, cheering on the USC Trojans. Pop had never attended
college, but he’d worked hard to send Ce there, so it had become
tradition. There was no excuse Pop accepted expect being sick, and
that was only because he didn’t want to get sick either.

“Okay. We have time to take a shower, then stop by the store to

get some beer before heading over to Pop’s. Sully and Ce will
already be over there.”

They broke apart, and Stephan started the water while Rocky

pissed. When he was done, Stephan took his spot and Rocky
climbed in the shower. He tilted his head back and let the hot

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liquid drench his body. After Stephan joined him, Rocky turned to
look at him.

God, another fantasy come true—Stephan wet and sharing a

shower with him. Rocky’s prick stiffened, almost reaching out to
Stephan like a divining rod. His body knew what it wanted and
having it within reach flipped every switch he had.

Without thought, he slid his arms around Stephan’s waist and

pulled him close. Rocky gasped as Stephan’s slick skin rubbed
against his, while the hard shaft of Stephan’s cock aligned with his.

“Wow.” Stephan’s exclamation was low.
“Yeah.” Rocky chuckled as he rocked his hips, gripping

Stephan’s ass in his hands and letting his fingers slip between
Stephan’s cheeks to tease the man’s hole.

Whimpering, Stephan pushed back against his touch, begging

with his body for more and deeper touches. Rocky breached
Stephan’s ring, thrusting as far as he could with his finger.

Stephan shook his head. “I thought we didn’t have time for

this,” he panted.

Rocky grinned. “Well, we’re taking a shower together, so I

think that’ll save us time. Turn around. I want to be inside you
when I make you come.”

He swallowed hard as Stephan turned and braced his hands

against the tiled wall, angling his butt out like an offering. Rocky
trailed a hand down Stephan’s back and over one well-muscled
cheek.

“I have to grab a condom,” he informed Stephan. “Stay like

that.”

“Hurry.” Stephan took his own erection in hand and started

pumping.

“Shit.”

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Rocky scrambled out of the shower and searched through the

drawers under the sink. He thought he’d left some condoms there,
not taking all of them to the bedroom. He liked taking showers
with lovers. Ah-ha! He grabbed one and almost tripped hurrying
back to Stephan.

He skidded to a halt at the sight greeting him. Stephan still

faced the wall, but his hips pumped a steady rhythm as he jerked
himself off. A loud grunt broke the tableau, and Rocky smacked
Stephan’s ass.

“No coming until I’m in you,” he ordered, opening the foil

packet and smoothing on the condom as quickly as possible.

Standing behind Stephan, he positioned the flared head of his

cock at Stephan’s puckered opening and shoved in. Stephan arched
his back and hissed, causing Rocky to freeze once he was buried to
the hilt in Stephan. He traced the bumps of Stephan’s spine,
soothing his lover and apologizing for being so rough.

“Are you okay?”
“Give me a second.” Stephan dropped his head down and

breathed deeply.

Rocky kept as still as possible, even though Stephan’s heat and

snug channel forced him to grit his teeth and not move. He didn’t
know how much time passed before Stephan relaxed and shifted
back toward him. Rocky’s eyes crossed when Stephan clenched his
muscles around Rocky’s shaft, massaging it as best he could since
Rocky hadn’t moved.

“Move now,” Stephan commanded.
“Yes, sir.”
He took Stephan’s hips in his hands and rode his lover’s ass,

slamming into him hard enough to drive grunts and gasps from
Stephan. If the water wasn’t already steaming, he figured they

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would have heated it up on their own.

“Please, Rocky. Gonna…need it harder…faster.”
Christ, the man sounded almost as good begging as he did

singing. Rocky did as Stephan demanded and fucked him harder.
Somehow, he managed not to slip and kill them both while the
water made the shower floor slick. His body tingled and his cock
swelled as his climax took hold.

Rocky grunted in warning, but couldn’t make his tongue form

any words. Stephan’s inner channel clamped down like a vise,
milking Rocky’s seed from him with each thrust.

“Shit!” Rocky threw his head back and shouted, flooding the

condom. What would it be like to make love to Stephan without a
barrier between them? The sex would probably blow his mind.

Stephan shuddered under him, hands scratching at the tile as he

painted the wall with his cum. They slumped, and Rocky got them
to the floor without injuring either of them. He slipped out of
Stephan and tossed the rubber into the trashcan. Running his hand
over Stephan’s chest, Rocky tried to catch his breath. After a few
minutes, the water chilled, and Stephan laughed.

“We need to get going or your dad’s going to be pissed.”
“Yeah. As accepting as he is, I’m not sure he’d be happy to

find out we were late because I fucked you in the shower.”

They climbed out and dried off, dressing quickly before

rushing from the house. Rocky gestured to the Shelby Mustang
parked next to his Mercedes.

“We’ll take this one. Sully likes to take Ce for a ride in it when

the game’s over.”

“Why do you own so many cars if you can only drive one at a

time?” Stephan asked as they buckled their seat belts.

“I like cars, especially fast cars with a lot of style. At least, I’m

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not like Lee, tossing my money away on drugs. These will only go
up in value. I like to call them my retirement fund for when we get
too old to play anymore.”

“Shoot, by the time we retire, you’re going to need a chauffer

to drive all these vehicles.” Stephan reached over to pat his knee.
“I don’t plan to quit rocking until I’m dead.”

It was a good speech, but Rocky figured out in the past month

that life could end up being a lot shorter than anyone planned, and
because of that, he wasn’t going to worry about being cautious.

The drive to Pop’s wasn’t long since his dad had moved to

Carmel, too, when Rocky bought his place. Ce and Sully stayed in
Malibu and actually bought the house Rocky grew up in. It was
nice to go back and revisit old memories from time to time.

“Hey, even though you don’t want to stay in your old house in

Malibu, are you going to look for a place around there? Or would
you like to think about moving to Carmel?”

Stephan shot him a quick glance. “Honey, I told you I was

moving in with you. Not just to stay for a little bit until I figure shit
out. I mean for as long as you’ll have me and I’m okay if that’s
forever.”

Rocky’s heart jumped and he chuckled with relief. “I know you

said that, but I wasn’t sure if you meant for a month or so, or if you
meant we’d live together like a couple. I’m not used to having you
as anything more than a friend. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

Stephan leaned toward him and brushed a kiss over his cheek.

“Get used to the idea, love. You and I will be making memories for
years to come. I’m not going to say we’re making up for lost time
because, even though it hurt you, I don’t believe the time I spent
with Jeremy was lost time. I learned a lot from him, and I know
it’ll make me a better lover for you.”

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It was about an hour after Pop’s phone call that they pulled into

the driveway. Rocky’s niece and nephew were playing out in the
yard. They waved to them as they walked up onto the porch.
Stepping inside, Rocky yelled, “Hey, Pop, we’re here.”

“Finally. The game’s almost ready to start.” Pop hustled from

the living room. “Stephan, put your beer in the refrigerator and
check to see if Ce needs any help. Rocky, you’re with me. We’re
grilling today and I forgot to fill the pig. So we’re heading to the
store.”

Rocky hooked gazes with Stephan and mouthed, I’m sorry,

before being dragged away by his father.

Stephan shrugged with a good-natured grin before he wandered

down the hall toward the kitchen.

Rocky let his dad lead him from the house. When they were on

their way to the store, Rocky looked at him. “Did you really need
to get a new pig for the grill or is this your way to separating
Stephan and me?”

Pop eyed him innocently. “Separate you? Why would we do

that?”

“Come on, Pop. Do you think I’m stupid? Ce told you about

what I blurted out in New York. Obviously, Stephan and I were
together this morning when you called. What do you want to
know?”

“What’s going on between you two? Are you going to give a

serious relationship a try? He’s not using you as a rebound guy, is
he?” Pop’s control broke. “I know you’ve always cared for him,
but I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Rocky punched his dad’s arm lightly. “Pop, no matter what,

I’m too far gone on Stephan for it not to hurt if he changes his
mind. There’s no way I can keep my heart out of it and I’m not

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going to miss out on loving him, just to avoid getting hurt.”

“You know we love Stephan, and we’d never want to lose him

as part of the family. Yet if it comes down to you or him, we’re
your family. We’ll pick you over Stephan any day.”

Love swelled in Rocky’s chest. God, how he adored his family.

They supported him, no matter what. When he came out, they
accepted him with open arms. When he told them he and Stephan
were starting a band, they told him whatever he wanted was fine
with them. Of course, his father didn’t quite understand why he’d
want to play music for a living. Mom would have liked him to find
a stable job; one with a steady income.

Luckily, the stars aligned for them and they broke into the

music business with a bang. Stephan’s voice combined with
Rocky’s songs worked magic and set them up for success.

“Thanks, Pop, but I don’t think you’ll have to chose between

us. Stephan isn’t using me as a rebound to deal with Jeremy’s
death.” Rocky shook his head. “He wants to make it work.”

Pop frowned and didn’t comment again until they were inside

the store, waiting for the associate to bring them a full gas
container.

“You know, your mother and I always knew you loved

Stephan. But I never understood why you didn’t mention it to him.
Why did you let Jeremy come in and sweep him off his feet?”

Rocky nodded his thanks to the guy and lifted the pig. He

gestured to his father to head back outside. “Stephan didn’t know
how to love someone. It was a big risk I took by letting Jeremy
love Stephan, but I had the feeling that if we’d gotten together
earlier, we wouldn’t have lasted. Not saying that Jeremy and
Stephan wouldn’t have lasted if Jeremy hadn’t died. Still I didn’t
want to be an experiment for him, especially if he decided he

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didn’t like guys.”

“It’s not a choice, son.” Laughter rang in Pop’s voice.
“I know, but there are some who are confused and try it out,

only to decide they like girls better. I didn’t want to be a test for
him.”

“Okay. I’m still not sure, but if you’re happy, I’m not going to

question you anymore about it.” Pop hugged Rocky with one arm
thrown around his shoulders. “You two make a good couple and
I’m glad you’re working things out.”

“Thanks, Pop. Now can we head back home? I’m afraid Ce

might drive Stephan insane, if she’s going to ask him questions
like you asked me.”

Pop waved a dismissive hand. “Nah, Sully will keep her in

line.”

Rocky snorted. “When has Sully ever been able to rein Ce in?

You know how protective of her little brother she is.”

Pop thought for a moment while Rocky weaved his way

through the Saturday traffic. Finally, his dad nodded. “You’re
right. Good thing we’re heading home now because, God knows,
we might be meeting Stephan as he’s running from the house
screaming.”

Their joint mirth eased Rocky’s soul even more. He was still

nervous about his relationship with Stephan. The newness
wouldn’t wear off for a while, and no matter how confident he
sounded to his father, he couldn’t be a hundred percent sure he
wasn’t a rebound guy for Stephan. His lover’s reassurances helped,
but it was Rocky’s own insecurities that mumbled in the back of
his mind. Yet, like he told his father, he would risk getting his
heart broken by Stephan to enjoy loving the man like he wanted.

Sully greeted them as they walked into the house. He grabbed

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the propane tank from Rocky and rolled his eyes. “Maybe you can
get those two to stop cackling like a couple of hens. Shit, man, I
don’t even want to know what they’ve been talking about.”

Rocky shared a glance with his dad. “Maybe we didn’t have to

worry about Ce bothering Stephan.”

“Nope, we should’ve worried about her getting gossip from

him. Not sure how I’d feel about my boyfriend talking about our
love life to my sister.”

“Fuck.” Rocky strolled quickly back to the kitchen where

Stephan and Ce stood, drinking beers and chatting amicably.

They stopped talking the minute Rocky stepped into the room.

He gave them a suspicious glare, and they burst into laughter. He
folded his arms over his chest and studied them while they leaned
on each other, chuckling and laughing until tears rolled down their
cheeks.

“Are you done?”
“God, you looked so worried when you came rushing in here.

Did you think we were comparing the size of your dick with
Sully’s?” Stephan came over and draped his arm over Rocky’s
shoulder. He gave Rocky a peck on the cheek.

“I wouldn’t put it past the two of you.” He slid his arm around

Stephan’s waist, tugging the man closer to him. “Were you
terrorizing Sully?”

“It’s so easy to mess with him, man.” Stephan relaxed into him

and handed him his beer.

He took a sip from it before handing it back to his lover. Rocky

gave him a hard squeeze and let go, heading over to hug Ce. “I’m
going outside to talk to the sane people. When does the game
start?”

“Three. All the food will be ready by then, so we can fill our

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plates and pig out while watching the game.” Ce winked at him as
he headed out to the deck where Pop and Sully stood, staring at the
grill.

They looked at him askance and he shook his head. “I don’t

what they were talking about, but as long as they aren’t yelling at
each other, we’re good.”

Rocky flopped into one of the deck chairs, listening to Sully

and Pop talk about the game. He liked football as much as any
other guy, but it wasn’t his passion. Nope, his passion was music
and Stephan. As long as he had those two things, he’d be happy.
Stephan and Ce joined them. No one batted an eye when Stephan
sat on his lap and snuggled close.

He and Stephan entertained them with funny stories from their

last tour, though Rocky didn’t have nearly as many because he’d
been sick for a month or two at the beginning. Pop, Sully, and Ce
enjoyed the stories about crazed fans and nosy reporters.

Rocky’s phone rang just as they were going inside to watch the

game. He shooed the others in and answered it while on the deck.
“Sanicily.”

“Hey Rocky, it’s Hal.”
“Hal, how’s it going?”
“Good.”
And Hal did sound good. Happy in a way he hadn’t sounded

before. Of course, the guy had still been struggling with loss of his
brother, so Rocky didn’t have much to go on.

“Glad to hear it.” Rocky tucked a hand in his front pocket,

braced his hips against the railing, and stared out over his dad’s
backyard. “What can I do for you?”

“That bodyguard who helped you and Stephan out stopped by

yesterday.” Hal didn’t sound upset or anything by Stone’s visit.

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“What did Stone want?” He had an inkling what his friend

might have wanted when he stopped by to visit Hal.

“He said after I’m done hanging with Lee, his bosses want to

talk to me. They might have a job for me. Not what he’s doing, of
course. With my leg, I can’t go out as a personal security agent, but
I have some skills valuable to their business.”

“And maybe some connections as well?” Rocky smiled,

thrilled Hal had a chance at a job. “What did you say?”

“I told him I’d get back to him once I figure out how long I

need to shadow Lee.”

“Dude, call Stone and tell him you’ll talk to his bosses. Trust

me, you won’t have to spend a ton of time with Lee. I think he’s
going to do his best to stay clean.”

Silence filled the air space over the phone.
“Go on. You can say what you’re thinking.”
“You do know staying clean doesn’t usually take the first time.

No matter how determined a guy is.”

Something in the tone of Hal’s voice told Rocky the man had

experience in that department.

Rocky sighed and scrubbed the back of his neck. “I know, but

he knows the consequences. He’s out of the band if he starts using
again. We might be a rock band, but I don’t want us to lose
ourselves in the whole drugs, sex, and rock ’n’ roll image. We’re
better than that. I know Lee has other issues he’s dealing with and
those are what drove him to the heroin. Not the band.”

“So you’re going to turn your back on him when he falls off the

wagon?”

Anger surged through Rocky. “Hell, no. We’ll continue to

support him, no matter what, but he knows the rules for this band.
Number one is no drugs of any kind. He broke the rule, yet I’m not

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kicking him out yet. I’m giving him a chance to get sober and
straighten out his life. If/when he starts the heroin again, we’ll
approach the situation the same as we did this one, only he’ll be
out of the band. I won’t turn my back on my friend, but I don’t
want his problems to bring the music down.”

Hal exhaled sharply. “But if he stays clean, or gets clean the

second time, you’d let him back in the band.”

“In a heartbeat. Lee is the best keyboardist I’ve ever heard.

More than that, he’s one of my oldest friends. You don’t abandon
your friends. It doesn’t matter what kind of trouble they get into.”

“I can see why Jeremy chose to hang out with you. You sound

like a guy my brother would’ve enjoyed as a friend.” Hal chuckled.
“Okay. I’ll call Stone back and set an appointment with the big
guys.”

“Great. Make sure and call me to let me know how it went. I’m

sure you’ve got good references. How’s the condo working out for
you?”

“Man, this is a posh place. Definitely the home of a big rock

star, though I’ve been wondering where all the hanger-ons are. I
thought you’d have one or two keeping the place warm for you
while you’re on tour.”

Rocky laughed with Hal. “Not hardly. I spend most of my time

in Carmel and my house here is my sanctuary. I let very few
people into that house. My condo in LA is just a place to crash
when I’m recording or when I’m doing the whole promotional tour
shit. I’m glad you like it, though, when Lee gets out, you’ll be
moving to Malibu and staying at Stephan’s. We’ll make sure it’s
cleaned for you.”

“Thanks.” Hal paused. “Is Stephan okay with it?”
“He’s the one who suggested it. You’ll probably meet him

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when you guys move in there.”

“Okay. I’ll let you go and I’ll give you a call in a day or two.”
“’Bye, Hal. Take it easy.”
He ended the call, and shoved his phone in his back pocket.
“Everything okay?”
Turning, he saw Stephan standing just outside the sliding

doors. Rocky held out his hand and smiled as Stephan stepped
closer to take it in his.

“Yeah. Hal just wanted to let me know that Stone thinks his

company could use Hal’s military expertise. I told him to go for it.
It’s not like he’s going to spend all his time or life watching over
Lee.”

“Good idea. You better come on in. Your dad’s looking a little

put out that we aren’t all gathered around the TV for the game.”

“Just a second.” Rocky embraced Stephan, pressing their

bodies tight to each other. He groaned as his erection rubbed
against Stephan’s. “I think I’d like a kiss to tide me over until half-
time.”

Stephan’s laugh was low and settled in Rocky’s groin with heat

and desire. “Your wish is my command.”

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CHAPTER 10

Their lips met in a kiss flavored with the beer they drank

earlier. Stephan hummed as Rocky sucked on his tongue. God, he
wanted to feel that mouth wrapped around his cock. Something to
look forward to, he supposed.

“Come on, you two. Quit sucking face and get in here. Pop’s

about ready to blow a gasket because we aren’t all in there.”

They broke apart, and Rocky blushed as they turned to see Ce

standing there, a wicked gleam in her eyes.

“Ce, quit teasing your brother,” Stephan admonished her.
She laughed, and Rocky ducked his head. Stephan laid his hand

in the crook of Rocky’s elbow, urging him toward the house.

He leaned in to whisper, “Are you always going to be shy

about us? You’ve never been shy about your other boyfriends.”

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“They never mattered as much to me as you do.” Rocky

stopped and glanced at him. “Are you my boyfriend?”

Stephan froze, pulling Rocky to a halt as well. He tipped his

head to one side while he thought. Was it too soon for them to be
thinking of each other so seriously? Or was it just a natural
extension of their friendship they could move so quickly from the
beginning stages of love to a more permanent relationship? He
chuckled.

“Hell, in a way you’ve always been my boyfriend.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve always been there for me, and I’ve always counted on

you to understand me and help me when I needed it. Except for the
kissing and sex, we’ve done everything else couples do.”

Rocky’s eyebrows shot up as Stephan’s words must have made

him think. “You’re right. Weird, huh?”

“Yep. So now we get to have all the fun couples do. Sex.

Kissing. Hanging out. Sex. More kissing.”

Laughing, Rocky placed his hand over Stephan’s mouth. “I get

the point. It’s not that I’m shy about us. I’m still getting used to
there being an us. I love the fact you’re so willing to be open about
it and sit on my lap with my family around. It’s just going to take a
little while for me to not be freaked out by it.”

“Okay. Come on. It’s time for some football, too much food,

and your father yelling at the TV.”

He dragged Rocky down the hall into the living room, where

they flopped on the floor in front of the couch. Stephan sat close to
his lover, wanting Rocky to start to feel secure in him. Stephan had
never been a fickle lover, though going so quickly from Jeremy to
Rocky might make some people raise their eyebrows. Now that
he’d made the decision to pursue a relationship with Rocky, he

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would stick it out until Rocky said they were through. Whether it
was next month or twenty years from now, Stephan didn’t care. He
wanted to give his whole heart to Rocky, something he’d never
done before.

He stood with a jerk, and Rocky gave him a concerned look.

Stephan shook his head and gestured for Rocky to stay where he
was. Wandering back to the kitchen, he walked outside and stood
at the edge of the patio.

Stephan stuffed his hands in his back pockets and rocked back

on his heels as he thought. Damn, he really was a cold-hearted
bastard. He’d loved Jeremy, but he’d never given the man his
entire heart. He’d always kept a piece of it hidden away, not
willing to risk getting it broken.

Dropping his head so his chin rested on his chest, Stephan

stared down at his feet. Why had he kept a vital piece of himself
hidden away from Jeremy? He doubted it had anything to do with
his childhood. By the time he’d met Jeremy, he’d come to terms
with his bad luck in parents and living in foster homes. Hell, it
happened to other kids all the time. God had smiled on him the day
Rocky chose to be his friend. He had it way better than some of
those children who never found a friend or a family to care about
them.

Yet Jeremy had to have known Stephan wasn’t as fully

committed to their relationship as he was. Stephan inhaled deeply
and fought the urge to smack himself in the forehead. Jeremy was
dead, and while Stephan could stand around and make himself feel
guilty about things, it wouldn’t be what Jeremy wanted. It wasn’t
like Stephan made the conscious decision not to throw himself
whole-heartedly into their relationship. He’d just realized it right
then in Pop’s living room.

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Maybe he didn’t feel a hundred percent comfortable with

Jeremy. Maybe there was always a voice playing in the back of
Stephan’s head, telling him Jeremy would find out what a loser he
was and leave him.

“If you keep thinking so hard, you’re going to burst a blood

vessel.” Rocky spoke as he wrapped Stephan in a warm embrace.

He relaxed back into Rocky’s arms, confident in his lover’s

support. “Hey, is it halftime all ready?”

“Yeah. Sully’s making a beer run, and Ce’s fixing more

snacks.”

“What’s Pop doing?” He wiggled a little closer, brushing his

ass against Rocky’s groin.

Rocky moaned low and pressed his hands to Stephan’s

stomach, making sure Stephan remained squashed against him.
“Grumbling under his breath about the lousy refereeing and
terrible play calling. What else would he be doing?”

Nodding absently, Stephan focused on how Rocky’s erection

felt rocking into his jean-covered ass. Swinging around, he slid his
arms around Rocky’s shoulders and whispered, “What would you
do if I told you I wanted you to bend me over right here, and fuck
me until I scream?”

“Jesus! Stephan, you can’t say shit like that when we’re here.”

Rocky’s cheeks flushed and his pelvis bumped Stephan’s.

“Why not?” He gave Rocky a wicked grin.
“Because I can’t do a damn thing about it. There’s no way I’m

going to risk getting caught by my family just because you’re a
slut.”

He threw back his head and laughed. Rocky sounded

exasperated, but Stephan understood what his friend meant. There
wasn’t any way he wanted Ce to walk out and see his naked ass.

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“Keep that thought in mind,” Rocky said. “I promise to make

that wish come true later tonight when we get back home.”

“Home.”
Rocky tensed slightly, but Stephan hugged him tight. “I like the

sound of that. You know, for so long, I never really had a home of
my own. Just a series of foster homes. Then I met Jeremy and had
a great home for three whole years. Now, I get to build another
home with you. How’d I get so lucky?”

“Good clean living, I guess.” Rocky winked.
He sniffed. “Right. Dude, I don’t plan on any kind of clean

living from now on. I want to take advantage of you as often as I
can, plus be ravaged by you whenever the mood strikes.”

Rocky rolled his eyes. “You’re incorrigible.”
“Who knew a rock star like you would know such big words?”

He batted his eyelashes at his lover while grinding his hard-on
roughly into Rocky’s.

“If you’re not careful, I’m going to bend you over my knee and

spank you. Behave.”

“Oh, my God, now you’re into spanking.” Stephan fanned

himself. “Why aren’t guys lining up outside your door?”

After kissing him hard enough to bruise his lips, Rocky pushed

him a foot or two away. “They usually are, but I’ve been sick so I
didn’t have the energy to go pick any up while on tour. Now I’ve
got my hands full with you. Don’t think I’ll have to worry about
those other guys.”

Stephan blew Rocky a kiss and strolled past him back into the

house. He made sure to brush his hand over the bulge in Rocky’s
shorts. Rocky’s hiss drew another chuckle from Stephan.

“You’re making it really hard to go in there and watch the

second half,” Rocky muttered.

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“Who knows? Maybe the game will be a blow-out and your

father will give us leave to take off early.”

“We can only hope,” Rocky prayed under his breath, and

Stephan smiled.

* * *

The game wasn’t a blow-out, but somehow they made it

through the whole thing without jumping each other. Stephan tried
to be as good as he could be, keeping his hands to himself and not
teasing Rocky too much. But Rocky’s eagerness to get home
showed in his rush to leave his father’s place.

He practically carried Stephan out to the car, and Stephan

laughed along with Ce.

“I’ve never seen him so ready to leave. Usually we have to toss

him out at midnight or let him stay over.” Ce winked at Stephan.
“Must be some incentive to get him moving so quickly.”

“I think my ass is incentive enough.” Stephan wiggled his butt

at her.

“Yep, I think so, too.” She gave them both hugs. “Get out of

here and give me a call tomorrow. Since we’re down, we might as
well get together for Sunday brunch as well.”

He hesitated. “I’m not sure I can handle two days with you.”
She slapped his arm. “Shut up, jackass, and get in the car

before Rocky throws you in.”

Stephan leaned over and hugged her. “Are you sure you don’t

mind about us?”

“Oh, honey, all I have to say about it is it’s about damn time

the two of you got your collective heads out of your asses. I don’t
think there’s a couple more perfectly suited for each other.” She

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hugged him hard.

“Thanks.”
“Can we go now?” Rocky’s rather annoyed tone brought joy to

Stephan’s heart.

He wasn’t sure why it was so awesome that Rocky wanted to

be alone with him, but it was and Stephan planned on enjoying it
as long as possible.

“Okay. Okay. I’m getting in. Just don’t break any speed laws

getting us home.”

Rocky grunted and, after making sure Stephan’s seat belt was

buckled, he pulled out of the drive and headed home. Stephan let
his lover focus on driving. Being in the car brought up memories
of Jeremy.

“Was there anything you didn’t tell me about Jeremy’s death?”

Why did he ask that? What did it matter if he didn’t know all the
details of the accident? All he needed to know was that Jeremy
died.

“What brought that up?” Rocky seemed curious, not defensive.
Stephan shrugged. “Not sure. Just got wondering if you might

have kept some things back because of the way I completely
melted down on you. I’m not asking out of morbid curiosity or
anything like that.”

“I didn’t think you were. I have the police report if you’d like

to read it, but I can give you the Cliff Notes version.”

“That’ll work for me. I don’t want to read the in-depth file.” He

shuddered. There would be pictures with the file and he didn’t
want to see those.

“Jeremy was coming back from town. Maybe he’d gone to get

groceries or something. A drunk driver came up behind him and
tried to pass him. The other guy was going too fast and lost control

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of his vehicle. He side-swiped Jeremy’s car and forced it off the
road.” Rocky paused and took a breath. “Unfortunately, Jeremy
didn’t have enough time to react and ran head-on into a tree. The
police say he died instantly, so he didn’t suffer.”

“Good.” He closed his eyes for a moment and said a silent

prayer for his deceased lover. “What about the other driver?”

“He went off the road about a mile beyond where Jeremy had.

He was knocked unconscious, but the police say nothing else
happened to him in the accident. They’re charging him with
vehicular manslaughter. Not that it makes any difference.”

It didn’t, yet Stephan was glad in a way that the man who took

Jeremy’s life would be punished for it.

“Did I kill the mood?” he joked.
Rocky shook his head. “No, not really. Just got me thinking

about the last game we all watched over at Pop’s house. How Pop
and Jeremy argued the entire time about USC quarterbacks verses
Notre Dame quarterbacks.”

Stephan joined in with Rocky’s laughter. “Yeah, that was quite

the argument. I thought they were going to come to blows or
something.”

“He was a good man. I’m going to miss him.”
Rocky’s admission touched Stephan for some reason.
“I’m going to miss him, too, but don’t ever think for one

moment that when I’m with you, I’m comparing you two.”
Stephan took a hold of Rocky’s hand. “You are two of the greatest
guys in the world, and I’m lucky to have known both of you.”

His lover squeezed his hand, but didn’t comment. Stephan

didn’t know if Rocky believed him or not. He would just have to
prove he meant what he said.

They got home and, without saying a word, Stephan headed

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toward the bedroom; Rocky right on his heels. The quiet was
broken by grunts as they stripped quickly before coming together
in the middle of the room. Stephan buried his fingers in Rocky’s
hair, angling their heads to get the deepest kiss.

Their tongues dueled for dominance of the embrace. Teeth

nibbled along bottom lips, bringing stinging pain, but then
soothing licks eased the hurt. He moaned into Rocky’s mouth
when his lover grabbed and massaged his cheeks. Pushing back
into that firm grip, he spread his legs a little.

Rocky trailed a finger down Stephan’s crease, rubbing the tip

over Stephan’s puckered hole. The ring of muscle fluttered at the
intimate touch as Stephan remembered how it felt to have Rocky
buried deep inside him.

“Suck me,” he babbled.
“Okay.”
He tugged on Rocky’s hair to keep his lover from dropping to

his knees. “Maybe later tonight. Right now, I want you to fuck me
hard and fast.”

“Go bend over the edge of the bed,” Rocky ordered, giving

Stephan a slight push in that direction.

Stephan did as he was told, displaying his ass in a blatant

come-and-fuck-me’ way. He wrapped his hand over his own cock
and stroked, each fast pump bringing him closer to the edge. A
ringing slap to his butt brought him out of his sexual haze. He
glared over his shoulder at Rocky who stood behind him. His gaze
dropped to where Rocky’s shaft stood out proudly from its nest of
dark curls. Stephan licked his lips before looking back up at
Rocky’s face.

“God, I can’t believe that’s all for me.”
“Get used to the idea.”

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Rocky stroked his prick twice, pre-cum leaked from the flared

purple head, and Stephan wanted to taste it badly. He shuddered
when he heard the pop of the lube top and looked away as Rocky
pressed two fingers into his hole.

“Oh, hell…” Stephan moaned, relaxing and pushing back to

ease the invasion. “No build-up for you today, huh?”

“You’re lucky I’m using lube. I’m on the edge and too much

foreplay, I’ll be coming before I even get inside you.”

Stephan shook his head. “No. I forbid you to do that. I want

you inside me when you come.”

“I plan on it.”
Rocky introduced a third finger and soon Stephan was fucking

himself on them, adoring the way Rocky’s knuckles would brush
over his gland each time. Sensation sparked at the base of his
spine, warning him he was close.

“Rocky love, now. Need.”
“Okay.”
The crinkle of the foil packet played with Stephan’s ears and he

found himself wondering what it would be like to go bareback.
He’d never done it without a condom, not even with Jeremy. He’d
heard too many horror stories not to be safe. Yet with Rocky, he
knew he would be safe.

The pressure of Rocky breaching him forced his thoughts away

from condoms and all the other shit. He dropped his forehead to
rest on his hands and relaxed as best he could. There wasn’t any
hesitation in Rocky as he filled Stephan’s passage. His lover
slumped over him once Rocky was buried as deep as he could go.

Stephan felt Rocky’s cock throbbing inside him, and the sweat

dripping from Rocky’s body as he tried to stay still until Stephan
told him it was all right to move. Stephan clenched his muscles,

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and Rocky grunted.

“Damn, move. I’m fine, Rocky. Don’t leave me hanging here.”
“Never.”
Then Rocky started moving, and Stephan lost his mind.

Twisting his fingers into the bedspread, Stephan tried to anchor
himself as Rocky fucked him. His feet left the carpet with each
thrust and explosive grunts were forced out of him and Rocky as
they fucked.

Christ! Stephan’s eyes rolled back into his head as his climax

tore him apart. He soaked the blanket under him with his cum,
spilling more than he ever thought possible. Rocky rode him
through his climax and kept on going until Stephan wasn’t sure he
could take anymore. Suddenly, Rocky slammed into him and froze,
his hips jerking while he filled the condom.

“Fuck!” Rocky shouted as he came.
Stephan’s strength gave out and he collapsed face-first onto the

mattress. Air burst from his lungs as Rocky followed him down.

“Ompf.” He turned his head enough to get some air in his body.
“Sorry,” Rocky mumbled. “I’ll get off when I can move again.”
Reaching behind him, he patted Rocky’s hip. “It’s all right. I

don’t think I’m going to stay here.”

He shook as Rocky’s chuckle rocked through him. Finally,

Rocky slipped from him and tapped his ass before wandering to
the bathroom. Stephan crawled up onto the bed, sprawled on his
stomach, and closed his eyes with a sigh. Rocky returned and
cleaned him up.

“Thanks.”
“No problem, honey.”
Stephan rolled over to snuggle close to Rocky who’d climbed

into bed with him. They spooned, and Stephan slowly drifted to

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sleep, enjoying Rocky’s warmth and the sound of his lover’s
breathing eased him.

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CHAPTER 11

Biting his lip, Rocky looked over at Stephan before turning

back to face Stephan’s house. “Are you sure you’re ready for
this?”

Stephan nodded, his face serene and there wasn’t any worry

racing around inside him. It was time to clean out his house for Lee
and Hal. Their friend was getting out of rehab in a week. Stephan
wanted to make sure the place was ready for them. He also had to
pack up his own stuff to move to Rocky’s house.

“We don’t have to do this, Stephan. Lee and Hal can stay at my

condo instead of here.”

Walking up to Rocky, Stephan shook his head. “Don’t worry

about me, Rocky. I’m good. I’m sure there’ll be some tears and
maybe even a small meltdown. That’s to be expected, but I’ve

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done my heavy mourning. Now it’s time to remember Jeremy
while he was alive.”

A car pulled into the driveway and parked behind Rocky’s

Silverado. Stephan watched as a man a few years older than them
climbed out. He walked with a slight limp and hesitation, but stood
tall. He sucked in his breath as he got a good look at him.

“That’s Hal,” Rocky said softly.
“I would’ve known he was related to Jeremy. They look alike.”
Curly brown hair and bright hazel eyes. Yet where Jeremy’s

skin had always had a healthy golden glow, Hal’s still held the
pallor of his hospital stay. Their eyes might have been the same
color, but Hal’s held the darkness of having fought in battle and
wounded as well. Jeremy’s older brother had experienced things
none of them ever would and it had marked him deep inside.

Rocky held out his hand to the man. “Hal, good to see you

again.”

Hal shook Rocky’s hand before turning to Stephan. “Thanks

for letting me help out today. I’m Hal, Jeremy’s older brother.”

Stephan didn’t think about it. He reached out and pulled Hal

tight to him, embracing the man. “I wasn’t about to do this on my
own. You loved him far longer than I did, so it’s only right you’re
a part of this.”

Hal hesitated for a second before enveloping Stephan with his

arms. A shudder and a soft sob warned him. He stood there while
Hal cried, even joining in a little. Rocky moved off toward the
house, leaving them to their private grief. After a few minutes, Hal
let go and stepped back, wiping his cheeks dry.

“Thanks. I needed that. I hadn’t really be able to cry for Jeremy

since I didn’t know anyone who loved him like I did.”

Stephan nodded. “No big deal, man. I cried most of my tears

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already, but like I told Rocky a few minutes ago, there’ll be more
today. Three years together can build a lot of memories.”

“I’d like to hear some of those stories.”
Gesturing toward the door, Stephan grinned. “I’ll be glad to

share them with you. All except the x-rated ones. No one else
needs to know those.”

“I’m sure some of your fans would love to hear what you like

in bed.” Hal winked at him, and Stephan shuddered.

“God, I’ve met some of our more rabid fans and I’m pretty sure

having them know what I like sex-wise is enough to give me
nightmares.”

They both laughed and went inside. Rocky had brought some

boxes in with him and left them in the middle of the living room.
Stephan glanced around, trying to find his lover, but Rocky wasn’t
anywhere to be seen.

“Hal, look around for a few. I’m going to see if I can find

Rocky and then we’ll get this show started.”

Hal nodded his agreement, and Stephan headed down the

hallway to the kitchen and the back deck. As he looked out the
window, he spotted Rocky standing down on the sand, watching
the waves hit the shore.

Stephan kicked off his shoes on the deck and climbed down the

wooden stairs leading to the beach. He smiled as his feet sank into
the slightly cool sand. Nothing like walking barefoot on a beach,
listening to the sound of the waves and the birds to ease whatever
ailed you. He remembered why he loved this house, but having
spent time at Rocky’s, Stephan knew he’d found the same peace
there as well.

Rocky must have known Stephan approached because he didn’t

react when Stephan encircled his waist with his arms and rested his

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chin on Rocky’s shoulder.

“What are you thinking?”
Rocky’s shrug jostled Stephan’s head, but neither of them

moved. Stephan waited Rocky out. No matter what was going on
in Rocky’s mind, Stephan knew the man would spill it eventually.
Rocky rarely kept secrets. Well, except for being in love with him
for years.

“I was thinking about all the fun we had hanging out here. The

bonfires and jam sessions when we were first getting started.”
Rocky covered Stephan’s hands with his own.

“We’re just moving them to your place. It’s sort of ending one

chapter, but opening another one in our lives. We’ll have the good
memories to relive those times while we make new ones.” Stephan
kissed the nape of Rocky’s neck. “Come on. Hal’s wandering
around. I don’t want him to find my stash of sex tapes.”

Rocky jerked around and stared at him, mouth agape.
“What?” Stephan batted his eyelashes.
“Please tell me you didn’t make sex tapes.”
He shrugged. “Okay, I didn’t make any.”
Chuckling, he cradled Rocky’s face in his hands and grinned at

Rocky’s skeptical expression. “I’m not kidding. I didn’t make any
kind of tapes like that. I might like to perform, but only on stage
and not in the bedroom or in the kitchen or living room.”

Rocky rolled his eyes and dropped a kiss on the tip of

Stephan’s nose. “You’re a goofball, sweetheart.”

Yeah, he was at times, yet he didn’t care as long as it brought a

smile to Rocky’s face. He grabbed Rocky’s hand and dragged him
back to the house. They found Hal standing in one of the guest
bedrooms, studying the Gold Record award they’d received for
sales of their first album.

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“How many of those things do you have?” Hal motioned to the

plaque.

“Three. One for each album. I just haven’t had time to hang up

the other two. Do you have space at your place for mine?” Stephan
asked Rocky.

“Sure. You can add it to that room I have set up for all the band

awards. I had some ideas of adding a recording studio to my place.
I have enough property and it doesn’t have to be that big. It’d be
nice to have a place where we can hang out and work when we
want, not on anyone else’s time table.”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll chip in on that, too.” Stephan nudged

Rocky with his shoulder.

Hal sighed. “Where do you want to start?”
“I’m just taking my personal shit. The furniture and other crap

can stay here. I don’t have any emotional attachment to them.”

Rocky took charge like he always did. “I’ll bring more boxes

in. Stephan, why don’t you and Hal start in the bedroom? Go
through the closet and see what you want to keep and what you
want to give away. I’ll start in this room and pack up your band
shit.”

“Aye, aye, captain.” Stephan saluted and turned sharply on his

heel. He waved for Hal to follow him. “As we’re going through
stuff, if you see anything of Jeremy’s you’d like to keep, let me
know and we’ll start you a box for it.”

“I really do appreciate you letting me be here.”
Stephan shrugged. “It’s only stuff, man. Not having it around

doesn’t mean I won’t have my memories of Jeremy. My memories
aren’t tied to objects. Though I do have a few pictures I’d like to
keep.”

They went to the master bedroom and started in on the closets

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first.

* * *

Two hours later, they met up in the living room. As Stephan

had predicted, there had been some tears while remembering
important dates and moments in his relationship with Jeremy. Hal
listened attentively to all of Stephan’s stories, absorbing all the
information he could about his brother.

Stephan flopped on the couch, his head resting on the back

cushions as he groaned. “I’m totally out of shape for this kind of
shit.”

“I don’t think any of us would make a living as movers.” Hal

groaned as he eased down into one of the armchairs.

Under his eyelashes, Stephan watched Hal rub his knee. “Do

you need some pills or something?”

“I should take the ones I have in my pocket.” Hal fumbled

around his pants pocket for them.

“I’ll get us something to drink. Hal, I assume you’d like water.”

Rocky didn’t wait for a reply. He just headed toward the kitchen.

Hal snorted. “As much as I’d love a beer, water is good for me

unless I want to pass out, so I’ll wait until I’m back at the condo.”

“Rocky said you had an opportunity for a job with the company

employing Stone.” Stephan wanted to have a conversation that
didn’t involve Jeremy for a few minutes at least.

“I go in for my first day of work on Monday.” Hal lifted one

shoulder in a vague shrug. “Not sure if I’m the right man for what
they have in mind, but they said they’d give me a chance.”

“It’s all you can ask for, man. I’m sure you’ll make the most of

it.”

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Rocky came back and handed Hal his water before sitting next

to Stephan and holding out a beer. Stephan took a swig of the cold
beverage and savored the chill creeping across his skin from it. He
leaned against Rocky, letting their bodies touch from shoulder to
knee.

“Hey, when’s Lee scheduled for release?”
“He’s got another week or so before the doctors give him the

all clear. I talked to him the other day. Said he still didn’t want to
see us, but that he was doing okay. Sounded good.” Rocky peeled
at the label on his bottle. “I just hope it sticks.”

“You remember what we talked about, right?” Stephan caught

Rocky’s gaze.

His lover grimaced. “Yes, I’ve been warned by everyone and

their mother that people usually don’t stay clean after their first
rehab trip. I’m hoping Lee will be the exception.”

“I’ll do what I can to keep him clean,” Hal promised.
“We know you will, but don’t think you have to keep an eye on

him twenty-four/seven, Hal. I just want you around to help him out
a little. He’s going to need someone who doesn’t know him as well
as we do to tell him he’s okay.” Stephan gestured back and forth
between Rocky and him. “We tell him and he thinks, You have to
say it because you’re my friend. You can get away with telling him
the truth because you don’t know him from Adam.”

“I’ve been a fan of your music for a while now. I always

thought Lee was the sexiest band member.” Hal wiggled his
eyebrows in a comical leer.

Both Stephan and Rocky laughed.
“It’s Lee’s exotic Eastern look and attitude that does it.”

Stephan shared a glance with Rocky. “To tell you the honest truth,
I’m not sure which way Lee swings. I’ve seen him with girls once

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or twice, but never the same one and never for long.”

“Yeah, when we’d go out to clubs and stuff, he might dance

with some girls, but I never got the vibe he particularly enjoyed it.
He knew I was gay, but maybe he didn’t feel comfortable about
saying anything about it.” Rocky stared down at the carpet.

“It could be he’s a private person and doesn’t see why his

personal life is anyone’s business except his. If that’s true, he must
be cringing in embarrassment because of all the tabloid articles
about his rehab.” Hal shifted in the chair, stretching his legs out.

Rocky sprawled a little more, and Stephan wiggled closer. He

wanted to climb into Rocky’s lap, but he didn’t want to upset Hal,
who might think it was too soon for him to transfer his affections.

“I don’t think he’s been allowed to see or read anything since

he went in. They like to cut everyone off from the world so they
can focus on their problems and what brought them to the center.”

Hal took his pills and closed his eyes. “Now that I know, I can

be prepared to handle whatever kind of reaction he has when he
sees them.”

“I wish we could just keep all those rags away from him, but if

I know Lee, he’ll be hitting the computer first chance he gets to
check his emails and those blogs he loves to read.”

Silence descended as they relaxed and rested, getting ready for

the next push, which would consist of them hauling the boxes of
things Stephan wanted to keep out to Rocky’s truck. Tension
drained from Stephan and soon he found himself resting his head
on Rocky’s shoulder, his eyes closed.

“Have you two always been in love?” Hal’s question was low.
Rocky tensed, and Stephan straightened. He met Hal’s gaze,

not seeing any accusation, just curiosity. Glancing over at Rocky,
he saw the blush coloring Rocky’s cheeks.

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“Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. Rocky’s been in love with me

since high school, or at least since he knew he liked guys.” He
bumped Rocky with his elbow.

“It’s been about that long,” Rocky mumbled.
Hal smirked slightly at Rocky’s discomfort, but didn’t say

anything.

“I didn’t know how I felt about Rocky, except he’s been my

best friend for just about forever. If it hadn’t been for Jeremy, I’m
not sure I’d ever have figured out what Rocky really meant to me.”

“What do you mean?” Hal’s eyebrows lowered.
Rocky stayed silent, unwilling to join in. Stephan assessed

Hal’s body language and determined the man didn’t seem angry or
annoyed in any way. With a mental shrug, Stephan settled back
against Rocky, deciding Hal would just have to deal with it.
Loving Rocky didn’t mean Stephan loved Jeremy any less.

“I didn’t really know what love was. I mean, I saw it at work in

Rocky’s family. I knew they cared about me. But I never
understood how to love someone else. Jeremy taught me that. He
taught me what it meant to put someone else’s feelings ahead of
mine. Don’t ever think for one moment I didn’t love your brother
and he didn’t mean everything to me.”

Hal immediately shook his head. “I saw you at Jeremy’s

funeral. You were devastated, and no one can fake that kind of
sorrow.”

“Jeremy taught me what love looked and felt like. Not family

love, but sexual love and need. The love you want to feel for the
person sharing your life.” Stephan took Rocky’s hand in his and
rested both on his knee. “Rocky loved me enough to let me go find
out about emotions on my own. It was a risky venture, considering
Jeremy and I could’ve been together for the rest of our lives, and

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Rocky would never had a chance to tell me how he felt.”

Hal looked at Rocky for a minute. “I think if you’d really paid

attention to the lyrics you sing, you’d have figured it out a long
time ago.”

Hal’s statement struck Stephan and he turned to look at Rocky,

who didn’t raise his gaze. Reaching out, he put his knuckle under
Rocky’s chin and lifted it, so their eyes met.

“I must be the dumbest man alive, Rocky. All those love songs

you were writing for me. Not because I sound good singing them,
but because you love me. Is that why you wouldn’t let anyone else
claim those?”

Rocky blinked and nodded. “Who else did you think I wrote

those for?”

Stephan wrinkled his nose. “Some secret lost love. Jeremy

must’ve known. We talked about why you wrote those lyrics. He
told me not to bother you about it. He must have known somehow
that you loved me.”

How had Jeremy seen it and Stephan missed it? Could it have

been because he never thought about Rocky like that until after
Jeremy was gone?

“Why won’t you sing in front of other people? You only sing

when I ask you.”

They ignored Hal sitting in the room with them, and Jeremy’s

brother managed to stay quiet. Rocky cradled Stephan’s face, his
gaze intently focused on him. Stephan saw all the love Rocky had
for him shining in his eyes.

“Singing for me is intensely personal. It’s private and not

something I want to do for everyone. And those songs I sing to you
are love songs with my heart and soul in them. I think I’m afraid
that if I do sing them in front of other people, they’ll see just how

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much I love you.” Rocky edged forward, resting his forehead
against Stephan’s. “I didn’t want anyone else to discover how I felt
and make a big deal about it. Unrequited love can be a pain in the
ass.”

Closing his eyes, Stephan breathed in time with Rocky, letting

the touch and scent of his lover seep into him. He didn’t know how
long they sat like that, but a soft cough drew them apart. They
looked at Hal, who smiled.

“I’m glad my brother got to love you, Stephan, and got to be

friends with you, Rocky. Some day I’d like to find a love like you
have.”

“Thanks.” Stephan stretched and stood. “Now we’ve gotten the

heavy heart emotions out of the way, we should probably get the
rest of the boxes loaded before Hal decides to run out on us.”

Hal got a considering look on his face. “That wouldn’t be all

bad. I could use being injured and still recovering as an excuse.”

Stephan pursed his lips and scrunched up his nose. “Oh, all

right. I guess we can accept that as a good enough excuse.”

Their laughter mingled as they moved to the hallway where all

the boxes sat. Looking at the pile, Stephan made a decision.

“Hal, do you think you could climb into the bed of Rocky’s

truck?”

“Sure. My knee’s giving me some problem, but it’s my balance

that gets a little wonky at times. Why?”

“What I thought was Rocky and I would carry the boxes out to

you, and you could load them into the truck. That way, there’s not
a lot of walking to be done for you, and we don’t have to argue
about how to pack shit.”

“You guys argue about that stuff?”
Rocky snickered. “Man, when we first started playing gigs,

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Stephan and I would argue about everything, but especially how to
pack the equipment to use all available space.”

“I was a soldier. We know how to do things like that. I’ll head

out to the truck. I think you should bring the stuff you’re going to
keep out first. Then we’ll pile all the boxes you’re dropping off to
the shelter next. They’ll be easier to get to and you won’t have to
move anything more than once.”

“See, I knew there was a reason we invited you out here.”

Stephan slapped Hal on the back and winked.

“Shut the fuck up.”
Hal punched Stephan playfully in the arm and, for the first

time, Stephan saw a hint of the joy that Jeremy always had in Hal.
Time would heal most of the damage done by the war to Hal,
physically and mentally. During the healing process, Stephan had a
feeling Hal would find a guy he could fall in love with. Until that
happened, Hal had all of them as friends for support and
companionship.

* * *

“Shit.” Stephan groaned. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to

move tomorrow.”

“Good thing we don’t have anything pressing to do then, huh?”

Rocky wrapped his arm around Stephan’s waist, leading him
toward the bathroom.

“Are we taking a bath?” Stephan tugged off his sweat-drenched

T-shirt, letting it drop to the floor without caring that he was
leaving a trail of clothes behind him.

“A nice hot soak. After which, I’m going to fuck you until

you’re limp as a noodle and relaxed.”

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Stephan stripped off the rest of his clothes and leaned over to

turn on the faucet. He pushed back into Rocky’s hot hands as his
lover grabbed him.

“God, I love how responsive you are,” Rocky murmured

against Stephan’s lower back as he knelt down behind him.

He braced his hands on the edge of the tub, angling his hips to

give Rocky any access he wanted. His eyes rolled back in his head
when Rocky’s tongue swiped a wet path from the spot behind his
balls to the top of his crease, stopping to tease his hole.

“Christ, Rocky, what are you doing?”
Rocky pulled away from him and asked, “Hasn’t anyone ever

rimmed you before?”

“Hell, no. Don’t let that stop you. Please,” Stephan begged,

wanting more of the sensations.

Rocky buried his face back between Stephan’s cheeks, and

Stephan arched up, doing everything he could to encourage Rocky.
Closing his eyes, Stephan sank into the sensations of Rocky
pushing his tongue deep into Stephan’s hole, getting him wet and
relaxed all at the same time. He drove Stephan crazy, licking and
sucking, until Stephan fucked himself on Rocky’s tongue.

When Rocky introduced his fingers into the mix, Stephan

thought his head would explode and not just his little head either.
With each shove in, Rocky managed to brush Stephan’s gland,
making Stephan moan.

“Rocky love, I need you in me. I want to come on your cock,”

Stephan pleaded, gripping the edge of the bathtub as tightly as
possible.

After standing, Rocky leaned over and turned off the water.

“Don’t want to flood the bathroom.”

Stephan huffed. Seriously, he couldn’t care less about the

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bathroom floor or anything. He wanted Rocky to fuck him now.
The crinkle of the foil packet caught his ear and he looked over his
shoulder to see Rocky roll the condom down over his dick.

“Do you want to get tested?” he blurted out. Shit! He hadn’t

meant to say that yet, especially not in the middle of sex.

“We can go on Monday to the clinic in town.” Rocky bent and

swept Stephan up in his arms.

“Hey, wait. Where are we going?”
“To my bed. I want to fuck you properly.”
Stephan didn’t care where it happened; he would have been

happy up against the wall or on the floor as long as Rocky filled
him with that fat cock of his. Rocky laid him in the middle of the
bed, and Stephan hooked his hands behind his knees, pulling them
up and out. He didn’t care how slutty it made him look. At the
moment, all he could think about was his lover.

Rocky crawled onto the mattress and slid between Stephan’s

legs. He positioned his cock at Stephan’s opening. Capturing
Stephan’s gaze, Rocky didn’t look away as he sank balls deep into
Stephan.

“Oh…” Stephan sighed, loving how safe he felt covered by

Rocky’s body.

Leaning forward, Rocky attacked Stephan’s mouth, driving

himself deeper into Stephan, nailing his gland with the flared head
of his cock.

“Shit,” Stephan shouted as Rocky took him without mercy or

gentleness.

It was like Rocky was determined to mark Stephan inside and

out as his. Maybe all that talk about Jeremy had made Rocky feel
insecure about Stephan’s true feelings. Stephan reached out and
held Rocky’s face in his hands.

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“I see you,” he whispered. “I know who it is in my bed. I know

whom I love. I love you, Rocky, and nothing will change that.”

Tears welled in his eyes to match the tears in Rocky’s. Their

lovemaking didn’t slow down. In fact, his words seemed to spur
Rocky into a frenzy. Skin slapping skin filled the air, along with
Stephan’s sighs and moans.

Rocky took hold of Stephan’s ass, angling his hips to get

deeper. The change brought Stephan’s cock in contact with
Rocky’s stomach, rubbing over it and creating enough friction to
bring Stephan to the edge.

“Rocky, gonna…soon.”
Rocky grunted his acknowledgement of Stephan’s warning, but

didn’t slow down. In fact, he seemed to speed up, forcing Stephan
to plunge headfirst into his climax. Stephan went willingly and
dragged Rocky into a similar mind-blowing experience.

Stephan had no idea how long they lay there shuddering and

trembling with the aftershocks of their explosions. All he could do
was wrap his arms around Rocky and hold his lover, relishing the
sticky feel of his cum between them.

He sighed as Rocky rolled over to his side and his softened

cock slid from him. Stephan got out of bed and stumbled to the
bathroom, where he cleaned off before wetting a cloth and heading
back to Rocky. He took care of the condom and washed Rocky as
well. After returning the stuff to the bathroom, Stephan slipped
under the blankets, tugging and moving Rocky until his lover was
with him. He wrapped his arms around Rocky and sighed again,
his breath ruffling Rocky’s hair.

“What’s going on in your head?” Rocky asked softly.
“I’m not sure I want to say it out loud because it probably

makes me look like a complete jackass,” he admitted.

SHADES OF DREAMS

172

Rocky’s chuckle rocked them. “Honey, if I haven’t figured out

you’re an ass by now, I’m never going to.”

“True.” He closed his eyes, gathered his courage, and said, “I

love you, Rocky Sanicily.”

Easing away from him, Rocky met his gaze with a questioning

one of his own. “Why would that make you look like a jerk or
anything?”

“My lover died only a few months ago, and already I’ve fallen

in love with someone else. I think that makes me an inconsistent
lover.”

“Something tells me Jeremy would understand.”
The tone of Rocky’s voice made Stephan study the man’s face.

“Have you heard Jeremy’s voice?” Why did he ask that? All those
times he heard Jeremy’s voice were just hallucinations, brought on
by grief. There was no way Jeremy’s spirit hung around to make
sure Stephan and Rocky finally got together.

“Yes.” Rocky looked away, seemingly embarrassed by

admitting to hearing Jeremy talk to him.

“I did, too. I thought it was just my grief making me think he

was hanging around. Jeremy told me it was okay to fall in love
with you. That you’ve been waiting long enough to get my heart.”
He reached out and took Rocky’s hands in his. “I think that’s what
helped me move beyond my grief into giving my whole heart to
you.”

Rocky nodded. “His words gave me the courage to go after

you, though I have to admit I wasn’t planning on telling you quite
as soon as I did. Lee pushed the issue sooner than I wanted.”

Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to Rocky’s lips. Their

embrace was full of promise and love, not only for each other, but
for Jeremy, the man who made sure they were together before he

SHADES OF DREAMS

173

left.

“I love you, Stephan Colby,” Rocky whispered against his lips.
“I love you, Rocky Sanicily. Tomorrow, I think we need to go

out to Jeremy’s grave and bring him up-to-date on what’s going
on.”

“Good idea.”
They snuggled together under the blankets, love finally found

and accepted. Their future was filled with dreams, but no more
sorrow.

* * *

The fall breeze blew through the cemetery as Rocky and

Stephan made their way to Jeremy’s grave. Stephan held a bouquet
of white roses—Jeremy’s favorite flower—in one hand, while he
clutched tight to Rocky’s hand with his other.

He didn’t remember much from the funeral, just the solidness

of Rocky holding him as he wept inside for Jeremy. Glancing
around, he noticed it was on top of a little rise, which looked out
over the rest of the cemetery down to the ocean. It was the perfect
spot for Jeremy.

“Thank you. It’s the best place for him to rest,” he murmured to

Rocky as they stopped in front of Jeremy’s headstone. He bent and
laid the flowers on the ground.

After Stephan straightened, Rocky slipped his arm around

Stephan’s waist, giving him support to lean on.

“It seemed fitting since Jeremy loved the beach almost as much

as we do.”

Stephan nodded, letting silence fill the air between them. He

wasn’t sure what to say, but he knew he wanted to let Jeremy know

SHADES OF DREAMS

174

everything was okay.

Rocky surprised Stephan by saying, “We did it, Jeremy. We’re

together and all it took was several pushes from you for us to get
our heads out of our asses.”

Chuckling, Stephan bumped hips with Rocky. “Yeah, it did

take a little bit, but here we are.”

He dropped to his knees and rested his hand on the sun-warmed

stone. “I’ll never forget you, Jeremy. You were my first love and
the man who taught me how to love. You’ll always have a special
place in our hearts.”

Rocky knelt next to him. “That’s right. We’ll always thank you

for what you did for us.”

The breeze played with their hair and caressed their cheeks.
::You’re welcome.::
Turning, their gazes met with widened eyes, confirming they’d

both heard the words whispered on the wind. Stephan grinned as
he fell into Rocky’s arms, wrapping his arms around his lover.
Rocky kissed him and it seemed like the wind pushed them closer
together. The odd acceptance and love Stephan imagined in the air
helped erase any last vestiges of guilt he had over loving Rocky so
quickly after Jeremy’s death.

“Let’s go, love.”
Rocky helped him to his feet, and Stephan patted the stone.
“We’ll be back, Jeremy. Maybe with some good stories to tell

you.”

As they strolled back to the car, love surrounded Stephan. Not

just the new emotions he found while in Rocky’s arms, but also the
love he’d always have for Jeremy to build his future on without
guilt or sorrow.

SHADES OF DREAMS

175

EPILOGUE

The screaming crowd filled Stephan with frantic energy. He

grinned over at Lee and winked. The keyboardist blew him a kiss
and played his solo on their most recent number one hit. Rocky
had written the song while he and Stephan were in Tennessee.
From the first moment it played on the radio, fans loved it,
requesting radio stations to play it more than any other song on the
charts.

Stephan threw himself into the music, moving his body to the

words and the rhythm. Fans shouted and threw flowers onto the
stage. There was also some underwear, but he would leave those
for the roadies to pick up.

As the notes faded, he turned and gestured to Rocky. His lover

shook his head, but climbed out from behind his drums. Stephan

SHADES OF DREAMS

176

looked over the sea of faces looking up at him as Rocky joined him
at the front of the stage.

“We have a special treat for you tonight. For the first time ever,

Rocky Sanicily will be joining me to sing “Shades of Dreams.” He
wouldn’t normally be caught dead singing in front of thousands of
people like this, but since it’s my birthday, he’s doing this as a
present to me.”

The cheering was deafening and the look on Rocky’s face told

Stephan that he owed Rocky big. It had taken some fast-talking
and quite a few blowjobs before Rocky agreed to sing.

Rachel, their new lead guitarist, hit the intro, and the audience

hushed, realizing they were about to hear something special.

Stephan met Rocky’s gaze, and the world disappeared around

them until it was just the two of them. All of Rocky’s love could
be heard in the words and all of Stephan’s love could be seen on
his face as he sang the song Rocky wrote for him.

No more wishing for love. Their relationship had gotten

stronger over the year they’d been together. Each moment never
taken for granted and each minute filled with joy.

T. A. C

HASE

T. A. Chase lives a life without boundaries. Being fascinated by
life and how different we all are, he writes about the things that
make us unique. He finds beauty in all kinds of love and enjoys
sharing those insights. He lives in the Midwest with his partner of
twelve years. When he isn’t writing, he’s watching movies, reading
and living life to the fullest.

* * *

Don’t miss Nowhere Diner: Finding Love

by T. A. Chase,

available at AmberAllure.com!

Leaving Minnesota, Timothy Gapin doesn’t have any plans except
getting as far away from all the memories as he can before his
money runs out. His secret lover has married, breaking his heart
and making him chose a life in the open rather than a relationship
built on lies.

Little does Tim know that four days later he would grab dinner at a
diner and find a place to stop. Somehow this diner in the middle of
nowhere becomes his home and the people who work there his
family. In addition to the workers at the diner, Tim meets Bernie
Capley, a long-haul trucker who isn’t all he seems to be.

Falling in love with Bernie is easy for Tim, but the past has a way
of barging into the present, forcing decisions that affect their
future…

MBER

UILL

RESS

, LLC

OLD

TANDARD IN

UBLISHING

UALITY

OOKS

OTH

RINT AND

LECTRONIC

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CTION

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