Chapter Three From

Marriage Made Easy

She Loves Differently Than You Do

“Whoever called it necking

was a poor judge of anatomy.”

GROUCHO MARX

M

en

hold their feelings in and women splash and dance in them. Men don’t have a big

need to put feeling into words and women can talk about them all day long, to whomever
comes by, even total strangers. Women want the fairy tale, the romance, the words, and
the hero. Once they get all that, they’re ready for the sexy stuff. When love finally comes
knocking, she wants you to be romantic for the rest of your days, like in those first few
weeks that you dated. Wears a guy out just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

The reality is that you two quit doing all those things that you did in the

beginning. Once you committed to the long haul with her, your focus shifted to taking
care of the responsibilities you were taking on. She doesn’t realize that each day you go
to work is a gift of love. No, it’s not romantic, but it is a reality of how very different men
and women are. Your problem is that when she feels she’s not getting enough romance,
she feels neglected, unloved, unattractive, not at all sexy, and what happens? She shuts
down and is no longer open and enthusiastic to physical intimacy.

As an expert on men, I’ve learned that men and women see romance in totally

different ways. See if you agree with me. Men think romance is what you do to get her
into bed. You give flowers, she rips her clothes off and can’t get at you fast enough. Kiss
on the neck, she rips her clothes off and can’t get at you fast enough. New set of knives,
she rips her clothes off and can’t get at you fast enough. Tell her she looks good, she rips
her clothes off and can’t get at you fast enough. Don’t you wish it was that easy?

Now here’s an eye opener for you. Women see romance as the first step to her

being open to the possibility, the possibility, of ripping your clothes off so she can get at
you as quickly as possible. See, if she feels neglected, unloved, or taken for granted, she
shuts down and doesn’t want to be physical with you. It’s like she’s got a set of doors that
you need to figure out how to open. They were locked when you first met her but you
figured out how to work the key and got in. And for a while, those doors were pretty
much wide open most of the time. You thought, WA-WHO!, this is good stuff. Then, you
got to know her better and realized that she was the woman of your dreams. She made
you feel like Superman all the time. You couldn’t get enough of her and wanted to spend
as much time with her as possible. Then you proposed and got married, assuming that

this magnificent creature would make you feel that good for the rest of your days.

When you were first falling in love you were probably very attentive, doing and

saying enough to cause her to swoon with delight. You were a master at keeping those
doors open without even realizing it. But when the fireworks died down, which they
inevitably do, what’s left is probably a lot less romance than she would like. To you,
going to work to provide a home and financial security for her and the kids (even if you
both work) is a daily gift of love. You generally show your love by taking action. Kind of
like the hunter who goes out onto the plains and comes back, proud as can be, “Honey,
here’s dinner,” as he throws a dead animal at her feet. You can see the problem this
creates when she wants flowers and poetry.

When you got married, the primary issue you needed to wrestle with was whether

or not you were ready to take on the responsibility of a wife and family. Once you made
the decision that you were willing to do that, then that became your primary focus. And
because you are doing it for her, in your mind, you’re showing your love in a gigantic
way, each and every day. It’s true, by the way, but she doesn’t see it that way. (Men
Made Easy sets women straight.)

It’s the woman who sets the tone and tenor of most relationships. If she’s feeling

neglected, unloved, or underappreciated, then you hear about it and pay the price of an
unhappy woman. If you’re like most men, you just don’t understand why she likes all that
mushy stuff. But it’s the mushy stuff that makes her feel loved, which keeps those doors
open. When she feels loved, you reap the benefits of a happier woman and more sex. Or
maybe more food works for you. Either way, she knows what pleases you and when she
feels loved, she wants to do all those things you like. If her doors have been shut for a
while, you need to start romancing her so she’ll start getting in the mood to wanting to
open those doors. The romance doesn’t make her want to have sex, the romance makes
her feel loved, which then makes her interested in sex.

I hope you know I’m teasing about the sex thing. I know you want more than just

sex. You want her to be happy to be with you, to compliment and appreciate you instead
of nagging, and to begin to do all those things she did way back when you were falling in
love, all those things that made you feel terrific about yourself. And yes, the sex is
important, too.

You’ll be happy to know that in several of the upcoming chapters, you’ll learn

things you can do that will romance her with very little effort. She’ll think the fairy tale
has finally come true, she’ll start showering you with appreciation and affection, and you
two will feel like youngsters again. Being in love does that, you know.

How People Express and Receive Love

How she receives love is essential to know, but first let’s talk generalities. Something that
most people don’t think about is the fact that people give and receive love in a myriad of

ways. Mostly, it has to do with how people learned about love in their families. If the
family does a lot of touching, like hugging, sitting on their parent’s lap, kissing, stroking,
and hand holding, the children will often be touchers. They will need to be touched to
feel loved. That also means that they will offer touch as their way to express their love.

Other families might give gifts. Those children grow up feeling loved when

someone gives them something. And, again, when they want to show their truest, deepest
love, they will give a gift. Some families are more inclined to express love through
words. They need to be told they are loved for them to feel loved. And they show their
love with words. As a consequence, most people give love, at least their deepest
expressions of love, in the way that they like to receive it; as they were taught in their
family as they grew up. It’s comfortable, natural, and if they haven’t thought to do it
differently, it’s a habit. You’re beginning to see one of the problems that many couples
have, aren’t you?

If you are someone who feels loved via words, but she feels loved with touching,

she’s going to offer touching and you’re going to want more words. You say to her, “You
never tell me you love me,” and she’s thinking, ‘I kiss you all the time. Didn’t I make
love to you last night, don’t I kiss you all the time?’ If you aren’t aware of these
differences, there is always going to be a conflict. She’s not going to feel as loved when
you tell her, and you’re not going to feel as loved when she touches you.

That’s a basic and extremely important difference between people that everyone

should be made aware of. Knowing this will allow you to find out from each other how
you like to receive love. Then you can be sure to incorporate those kinds of expressions
of love into your relationship. I would suspect that most people don’t know how their
partner receives love. Actually, I suspect that most people don’t know how they
themselves receive love. It takes some soul-searching to figure that out. But it is one of
the most important things a couple can learn about each other. So I would advise that you
and your wife have an intimate discussion on this topic and find out what each of your
styles of loving is.

The reason this wasn’t a problem when you were falling in love, and even in the

first few years of your relationship, is that in that stage, you were both doing a wide
variety of things to express your love to each other so all the bases were being covered all
the time. It’s when things slow down that the old habits of childhood expressions of love
fall into a routine. And that’s probably about when you started questioning your partner’s
love. Isn’t it ironic that this is so seldom talked about?

Why Women Can’t Seem To Get Enough Love

Now let’s get more specific about how men are taught to experience love so you can
begin to understand her needs better. Even though you grew up with a favored style of
expressing and receiving love, the social pressures that cause little boys to avoid anything

too mushy (read sissy) cause most boys to avoid pretty much all expressions of true love.
The only way that you have been encouraged to be close to a female is sexually. (I have
an entire chapter that explains this to her in Men Made Easy.)

As I mentioned, men are more likely to want to do something to show their love:

buying gifts, making love, fixing things, going to work, providing a home, changing oil,
mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, etc. It’s the hunter thing. Men have the most
difficulty expressing love with words because that’s getting too close to being emotional.
If your family’s style of showing love was with words then you’ll do a little better than
other men, but it’s still probably a stretch for you. As a rule, you probably aren’t as
thrilled with mushiness as she is. But that’s okay. All forms of love expression are good.
Each type should be used because variety and surprise are part of what keeps things
bright and rainbow-colored and fun. The most important element with your efforts to be
more romantic is how thoughtful you are. That’s what melts her heart.

The most important thing is that you two do this together. You will read the men’s

version, and she’ll read the women’s. She’s learning how you love and what you like.
You can then make a pact to use the ideas to help revive the love, the fun, and the play,
so once again the relationship and each other becomes a focus and a priority. Once you
incorporate LPT (explained in Marriage Made Easy) into your relationship and your daily
lives, the work part is simply keeping your relationship and the love you share at the top
of your to-do list. It sounds easy but life keeps sneaking in there, trying to push itself into
the number one spot. So it’s essential that you remind yourselves to keep the daily ‘I love
you’s’ at the top of the to-do list until it becomes habit. Someday, when you two are old
and gray, you’ll look back and laugh at the time when you had to purposefully put each
other and your relationship at the top of the list. But because it will have been a habit for
many years by then, you will have a love life that is glowing with all the colors of the
rainbow.

• • • • •

P.S. Would you like more love, passion, romance and commitment? If you’re married or
living together and feel like your relationship could use a pick-me-up you will want to
take a look at Marriage Made Easy. You can learn all about it

here

.

P.P.S. For other great resources, romance ideas and articles visit

AliveWithLove.com

often.

Wishing you much love and romance,