Table of Contents

Title Page
Copyright
Note from the Publisher
Dedication
Trademarks Acknowledgement
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
About the Author

Also by P.F. Whitney

A Silver Publishing Book

Fractured Heart

E-book ISBN: 9781614958253

First E-book Publication: December 2012

Cover design by Reese Dante

Editor: Nina Smith

Publishing

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Note from the Publisher

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Dedication

For my mom.

Trademarks

Acknowledgement

The author acknowledges the trademarked status

and trademark owners of the following wordmarks

mentioned in this work of fiction:

Charlie and Lola: Lauren Child (individual)

Hannah Montana: Disney Enterprises, Inc

Barbie: Mattel, Inc

Chia Pet: Joseph Enterprises, Inc

Silly String: Julius Samann Ltd
Styrofoam: Dow Chemical Co.

Pepto-Bismol: The Proctor & Gamble Co.

BMW: Bayerische Motoren Werke

Aktiengesellschaft Corp

Superman: DC Comics

Chapter One

The first rays of morning light peeked

through the gap in the curtains hanging over Cole

Nichols' bedroom window. Slowly he opened his

eyes, his mind still foggy with sleep and the fresh

memories of a recurring dream that had plagued

him for three years. He smiled when he heard his

bedroom door opening and the telltale sound of the

license and name tag jingling from his dog's collar.

The dog, Kerouac, jumped onto the bed,

panting excitedly, wagging his tail furiously, to

lick his master's face. Cole lightly patted his head

and scratched behind his ears. "Morning,

Kerouac." He turned his attention to his little girl

as she followed Kerouac and climbed onto the bed

with an expression of joy on her face. "Hey,

sweetheart," he said as she moved into his warm

embrace.

"Morning, Daddy."

Cole glanced at the alarm clock on his

nightstand and groaned at seeing the red numbers

glaring six-thirty. "And why are you up so early

this morning?" He sat up and stretched his arms

over his head.

The girl pouted slightly and crossed her

arms over her chest seeming somewhat indignant.

"You promised to make me pancakes this

morning," she replied matter-of-factly.

Cole nodded. "That I did." He looked from

his dog and to his daughter. "I'll tell you what, give

me a few minutes to wake up a bit more and we

can make breakfast together. How does that

sound?"

She grinned. "Can I watch Charlie and Lola,

please?"

"Yeah, but keep the sound down, okay?"

She scrambled off the bed and ran to the

door. "Come on, Kerry." She giggled when the dog

practically fell to the floor and chased her from the

room.

Cole turned and gazed at the picture on his

nightstand of his wife. He threw the covers off and

got up, ready to start the day.

* * * *

Cole made his way downstairs to the family

room. He stood in the doorway, smiling at the sight

of his daughter in her pink Hannah Montana

nightgown, socked feet, and messy hair. She lay on

the floor with her favorite pillow and Kerouac

snoozing peacefully beside her.

"Kaity, are you gonna help me make

breakfast?" He held back a laugh when the

unsuspecting five-year-old jumped at the sound of

his voice.

"Yeah!" she shouted, scaring the dog as she

quickly got up. Following Cole into the kitchen,

she walked to the counter in the center of the room,

placing her tiny hands on the edge and standing on

her tiptoes to see over the top.

Cole occasionally eyed her as he began

gathering the ingredients, bowls, and utensils they

would need. He grabbed the cookbook from a

drawer and set it in front of her.

He leaned toward Kaity and grinned. "You

can't very well help from down there, now can

you?" His heart warmed when she giggled. He

walked over and picked her up in a tight grip, then

set her on the counter before beginning to measure

out the ingredients into the bowl.

"I get to go see Santa today, right, Daddy?"

She reached for the set of measuring spoons Cole

had discarded in favor of the measuring cups.

Cole nodded as he cracked an egg into the

bowl. "Yup. I'm leaving work early to pick you up

from school and we're gonna go see Santa. We

have to get some presents for your grandma and

grandpa too."

Kaity's attention turned to the little black dog

sitting on the floor, his tail wagging expectantly.

"What about Kerry? We can't forget to get him a

present."

Cole nodded as he chuckled. "We'll get

something for Kerouac too. Start stirring the

batter."

Kaity picked up the large wooden spoon

sitting next to the bowl and dipped it into the thick

mixture. She stirred slowly while Cole added

vanilla and melted butter to the concoction.

Cole relished the moments, and the

memories he made, with Kaity. She was still at the

age where Daddy hung the moon and was her

whole world. He knew these days would soon be

gone and all he would be left with were the

remembrances of the special times, so he soaked

them in to keep for later years when she would be

married with a family of her own.

* * * *

Cole and Kaity walked into the family room,

Cole carrying two plates filled with pancakes.

Kerouac ran behind them, no doubt hoping to get a

taste of what was on the dishes. They sat on the

floor and Cole shooed Kerouac away as he and

Kaity began eating their breakfast.

Kaity peered up at him, her mouth filled

with food and syrup dipping slowly down her little

chin. "Daddy?" Her voice was muffled slightly as

she continued chewing her food.

Cole turned to her, covering his mouth to

prevent spraying food as he laughed. He quickly

swallowed. "Kaitlyn Danielle, what have I told

you about talking with your mouth full?"

Kaity's green eyes clouded with sadness as

she swallowed and wiped her mouth with the back

of her hand. "I'm sorry." She set her fork on her

plate. "Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I get a new sled to take with me to

Gramma and Grampa's cabin?"

Cole took a deep breath as he curled his lips

in a half smile. "Yeah, I think we can do that. We

should get you a new coat and boots too though.

You've

outgrown

your

others

since

last

Christmas."

"Yippee!" she shouted as she shifted her tiny

butt from left to right where she sat.

Cole couldn't help but be amused. She truly

was the only thing that kept him going from day to

day.

Chapter Two

Cole pulled a black T-shirt over his head,

smoothing the cotton fabric across his chest and

down to his hips. He checked his appearance in the

mirror and walked from the bathroom into his

closet. He grabbed the first pair of sneakers he

could get his hands on, chuckling when he found a

dog toy in one of them. "Kaity, you about ready?"

He tossed the red rubber bone onto the floor, then

sat on the bed and slipped the shoes on. He

frowned when Kaity appeared in the doorway

holding a small pair of pink tennis shoes. He

noticed the troubled expression on her face.

"What's wrong?"

"Kerry chewed my shoelace off." Cole

recognized the agony in her voice. It was the sound

that only a child could have over something an

adult might find trivial. Cole felt sorry for her

when he heard her sniffle.

Cole tied his shoes and got up. He strode

over to her and took the footwear. Inspecting the

half eaten shoelace, he sighed. "Well, let's see if

we can find you another pair."

"But, I wanna wear my pink ones," Kaity

whined.

Cole inhaled deeply as he took her hand. "I

know you do, sweetheart, but we don't have

another shoelace to replace this one right now.

You're gonna have to wear some other ones."

She nodded and Cole led her back to her

room.

He surveyed her floor for another pair that

might be hiding somewhere. He took a pair of red

and white high-tops from the closet and helped

Kaity slip them on, taking care to knot each one.

He knew she could handle it herself, but he

cherished these little moments with her, even if it

meant they would be running late.

Kaity tapped her feet together and stood up.

"Can we get some shoelaces while we're out

today?" she asked softly.

"Yes, we'll see if we can find some while

we're at the mall. C'mon, you're gonna be late for

school."

Kaity snatched up her coat and backpack

then followed Cole downstairs.

* * * *

Cole pulled his black BMW into an empty

parking spot in front of the school and shut the

engine off. The two got out of the car and Cole

slipped his coat on. He walked to the other side as

Kaity closed her door. She took his hand as they

set out across the parking lot. Kaity skipped

happily and Cole swung their joined hands back

and forth.

Kaity rushed ahead, pulling Cole over to a

man with a welcoming expression who he'd known

since they were in grade school. "Hi Mr Kidwell,"

she said.

"Hi, Kaity. Morning, Cole," the man

responded.

"Hey, Syd." Cole let go of Kaity's hand.

"Go on into the classroom. Hurry up to

class, you don't want to be late," Syd instructed.

Kaity nodded and peered up at Cole.

He squatted and wrapped his arms around

her tightly. He gave her a quick kiss and stood.

"Have a good day, sweetheart. I'll be here at two-

thirty sharp."

Kaity hurried to her classroom, waving

goodbye as she went.

Syd raised an eyebrow. "You're picking her

up instead of your mom?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm taking her to see Santa this

afternoon."

"I see." Syd crossed his arms over his chest.

"Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah. Is something wrong?"

Syd shook his head. "No, no. I just wanted to

show you something."

"All right," Cole was unable to hide his

confusion as he spoke.

The two men walked into the building and

down the main hall. Cole looked at the various

pieces of 'artwork' that hung on the walls next to

their owners' classrooms. They stopped in front of

the wall next to Syd's class and Cole observed a

variety of different renditions of Santa, reindeer,

presents, gingerbread houses and Christmas trees.

Syd pulled a tack out of the bulletin board,

grabbing the picture it was holding, and handed the

drawing to Cole. "I asked the children to draw a

picture of what Christmas means to them and,

while most of the children drew Santa, his

reindeer and Christmas trees, Kaity did that."

Cole studied the picture and stroked his chin

as he contemplated what he was seeing. "It's her

mother," he whispered.

"An angel watching over you, her, and

Kerouac." Syd smiled as Cole passed the picture

back to him. "You okay, man?"

Cole wiped at his eyes. "Uh huh. This time

of the year is always hardest with Kelsi being

gone. I guess I didn't think it was affecting Kaity as

much as it is."

Syd stuck the paper back in its place. "Well,

if it's any consolation, she appears to be happy and

well-adjusted. So, whatever you're doing, it's

obviously the right thing." He placed a slender

hand on Cole's shoulder, giving it a friendly

squeeze.

Cole took comfort in the affirmation he was

raising his daughter correctly. "You're still coming

to my parents' place in Tahoe, right?" he asked.

"Of course. My dad surprised my mom with

a trip to Jamaica for the holidays and since

Mitchell and I parted ways a couple months ago,

Tahoe sure as hell beats spending the holidays

alone at home."

Cole glanced down at his watch. "I gotta get

going. Give me a call if you need anything—and

thanks for showing me her drawing, Syd. It means

a lot."

"No problem, man."

Cole hurried out of the building, afraid he

was going to be late to his office. He had five days

before Christmas and quite a few T-shirt designs

to finish up with before taking a few days off, even

though he knew inevitably he would end up having

to do a bit of work while he was supposed to be

on vacation. It always seemed to be that way.

Chapter Three

Syd stood with Kaity in front of the school,

smiling as she bounced from one foot to the other.

He grinned, noting how much she resembled her

father, from the black hair to the pale skin and

large green eyes. She was every bit Cole's

daughter.

"Have you and my daddy been friends for a

really long time?" Kaity asked suddenly.

"Yup. We've known each other since we

were little boys."

"Did you know my mommy?"

Syd's smile wavered a bit at the question. "I

did. I was there when they met and when they got

married."

Kaity beamed and turned as Cole's car

entered into the parking lot. "I miss her," she

murmured.

Syd felt his heart break at the admission. He

knelt down and grabbed one of her hands. "I'm sure

she misses you too, Kaity. I'm sure she's watching

out for you every day and is very proud of the little

lady you're becoming."

Kaity wrapped her arms around Syd's neck,

squeezing him so hard she nearly choked him.

Cole pulled to a stop at the curb and got out

of the car. He walked over to Syd and Kaity,

watching as Syd stood once more. "Everything

okay here?" he asked.

"Sure," Syd replied. "We were just having a

little discussion about Santa." He peered down at

Kaity and winked. "Listen, you two have fun

seeing Santa."

"You ready to go?"

She jumped up and down, much to Syd's

amusement. "Yeah! Let's go, Daddy! Let's go!"

"Sweetie, go get in the car. I need to talk to

Mr Kidwell for a minute, okay?"

Kaity nodded and hurried into the car.

"What's up?" Syd scrunched his eyebrows

together.

"Nothing. You still have the spare key I gave

you for my house?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I have one of Kaity's presents from Santa in

the garage. I was wondering if you could bring it

up to Tahoe with you."

"No problem. What is it?"

Cole's face filled with pride. "A Barbie

Dream House. She's been asking for the fucker

since her birthday in February. I thought it was

time to get her one and a couple of Barbies to go

along with it."

Syd raised an eyebrow. "You gonna play

dolls with her too?"

"Actually I am… if she asks me to. We

already have tea parties with her stuffed animals

once a week, why wouldn't I play Barbies with

her?"

Syd was amused. "Do you wear a silly hat

and all that for the tea party?"

Cole flipped him off discreetly. "You really

are an ass, you know that?"

Syd grinned. "Yeah, but you still love me."

Cole laughed and shook his head. "I'll see

you in a couple of days at my parents'." He walked

to the car, taking care to make sure Kaity was

strapped into her booster seat before he got in.

Syd watched as Kaity began talking very

animatedly with her father. He waved as they

pulled away from the curb and headed out of the

parking lot.

* * * *

Walking through the crowded mall, Cole

took off his jacket. He chuckled when Kaity, as she

always did, ran her fingertips over the colorful

tattoos adorning his arms. She grabbed his hand

and began tugging him in the direction of the huge

North Pole display where they would find Santa

Claus.

"Kaity… sweetheart… You're gonna pull

my arm out of the socket if you keep dragging me

like that," he chuckled.

Kaity stopped and stared up at him, her lips

stuck out in an exaggerated pout.

"I know you're excited, but Santa's not going

anywhere."

Her bottom lip began quivering. It was a

tactic Cole was all too familiar with when she

wanted to get her way. And he always gave in, no

matter how hard he tried not to.

"All right. Let's go see Santa." Cole took her

hand and they began running toward the display,

Kaity laughing and Cole trying to dodge people

with their arms filled with bags and boxes.

As they got in line, Cole noticed other

parents scrutinizing him and pulling their children

closer as though he would harm them in some

fashion. He chuckled as a few children squirmed

away from their protectors to move closer to view

the images on his arms. His heart warmed when

Kaity grabbed his hand proudly as though

proclaiming to everyone around 'Yes, this is my

daddy and I love him.'

"Do you know what you're gonna ask Santa

for?"

She raised her eyes to him and nodded

slowly. Cole could see a hint of melancholy cross

over her face briefly until the line crept forward.

The sadness disappeared in an instant and was

replaced with the anticipation that only a visit with

Santa could provide.

"Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

"What should we get Kerry for Christmas?"

Cole thought for a moment. "I don't know.

What do you think he'd like—besides your

shoelaces?"

Kaity giggled. "Can we maybe get him a

sweater?"

Cole scrunched up his nose and shook his

head. "I'm not sure Kerouac would like a sweater.

He might chew it to shreds. How about a new

collar and some doggie treats?"

Kaity contemplated the gift ideas. "Maybe.

But I still think we should get him a sweater. It gets

cold at Gramma and Grampa's cabin."

Cole nodded as they shuffled forward again.

"You're right. We'll see if we can find him a

sweater. If he chews it up, I won't say I told you

so."

Kaity wrapped her arms around his thigh

and squeezed tightly. "Thank you, Daddy."

Cole nodded. "Well, that takes care of

Kerouac. What do you want for Christmas?"

She gave him a look that he knew had

something hiding behind it and shook her head.

"I'm not telling until I get to see Santa. It's a

secret."

Cole nodded and gave her a silent 'oh' to let

her know he understood.

"What do you want for Christmas?"

"What do you think I might want?" Cole

raised an eyebrow, intrigued by how his daughter

would answer.

"I dunno. Can I have Gramma take me

shopping for you when we get to the cabin?"

"I'm sure she'd like to take you out

shopping." They moved ahead once again.

When Kaity turned her attention back to

Santa, she opened her eyes wide. They were next.
"Can we make sugar cookies too?"

Cole was tickled that Kaity couldn't take her

gaze from the large man in the red suit.

"We can do whatever you want to,

sweetheart. Within reason, of course."

She smiled and began swinging their joined

hands back and forth.

"You're next," one of Santa's helpers said.

Kaity shifted in front of Cole, letting go of

his hand and slowly making her way toward Santa.

She climbed onto the man's lap and waved Cole

over to them.

Cole hurried to her. "Something wrong,

Kaity?" He squatted in front of them.

"No. I want you to tell Santa what you want

for Christmas too, Daddy."

Cole stood. "You go first. I need to think of

what I could possibly want him to bring me this

year."

She turned to Santa and bit at her bottom lip.

"Your name is Kaity, I take it," Santa said.

She nodded. "My name is Kaitlyn and that's

my daddy, Cole."

Santa glanced at the two of them with a big

smile.

"You can call me Kaity, though."

Santa nodded. "And what would you like me

to bring you for Christmas, Kaity?"

"Well, I don't want you to bring me anything

for myself really," she said as she wrung her hands

in her lap.

Santa gasped in obvious surprise. He smiled

at Kaity and chuckled in that way that only Santa

could. "If you don't want anything for yourself,

what would you like?"

Kaity gazed at Cole then down at her lap. "I

want my daddy to find someone to love. He's been

so sad since my mommy went to Heaven. That's all

I want for Christmas, Santa." The last part came

out as a whisper.

Cole swallowed around the lump in his

throat as he gazed lovingly at his daughter. He

wiped his eyes as she peered up at him.

"I don't know if I can bring that for your

daddy, but I'll try my best."

"Thank you," Kaity said softly.

"You're welcome, dear." Santa turned to

Cole. "Would you like to be in the picture too?"

Cole nodded and squatted in front of them.

"Say 'reindeer'," the photographer said in a

cheery voice.

"Reindeer," the three of them said.

Cole stood and watched Kaity slide from

Santa's lap.

"Merry Christmas, Kaity," Santa said. "You

have one charming little girl there, son."

Cole beamed with pride, observing his

daughter while she made her way over to the

photographer. "Thanks. Merry Christmas, Santa."

"Merry Christmas."

Cole joined Kaity who was admiring their

picture. "Daddy, look." She held it up for him to

see.

"You are so pretty." Cole paid for the

photograph and took Kaity's hand in his as they

walked away. "So, what do you want to shop for

first?"

"My sled." Kaity's eyes twinkled and her

voice rose an octave or two in her excitement.

"Then the sled, it is." Cole grinned as they

headed down to the sporting goods store.

Chapter Four

Cole walked into the local florist shop. He

inhaled deeply of the floral scent permeating the

air as he always did when he visited. Something

about the fragrance relaxed him, even if the reason

he was there didn't. He stopped in front of the

counter and smiled at the owner, an older woman

with round glasses that sat low on the bridge of her

nose. She wiped her hands on the apron tied at her

waist.

"Morning, Cole. What can I get for ya

today?" She was genial as she pushed her glasses

up.

Cole examined a few of the flowers. "Hey,

Bree. Uh, I'd like a bouquet of Black Magic roses

and calla lilies, please."

She nodded and grabbed handfuls of both

flowers from the large walk-in refrigerators

behind her. "Going to the cemetery today?"

"Yeah. Kaity and I are going out of town

tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure Kelsi has her

Christmas flowers before we leave."

Bree began arranging the flowers neatly.

"How is Kaity?"

"She's doing fine. Excited about Christmas

and seeing her grandparents."

Bree tied a black velvet ribbon around the

bouquet and set it on the counter. "Thirty-four

fifty," she said.

Cole pulled two twenties from his wallet

and handed them over. "Keep the change." He

picked up the flowers and headed for the door.

"Merry Christmas."

"You too, Cole. Tell Kaity I said Merry

Christmas to her as well."

Cole nodded and held up the flowers. He

walked out and got into his car.

* * * *

Cole slowly strolled through the rows of

headstones. He always had a deep sadness when

he came to visit his wife. It was as if he'd lost half

of himself when she died. She was the best thing

that had happened in his life, until Kaity came

along. His heart broke every time he thought about

how she would never see her little girl grow up to

be a woman.

The closer he got to her grave, Cole could

feel his chest tightening painfully and tears

beginning to form in his eyes. Every visit was the

same, no matter how long it had been since Kelsi

was lost.

He stopped in front of her grave and

delicately wiped a few dead leaves from the top of

the black granite marker. Dropping to his knees, he

sighed. "Hey, Kelsi. I brought you your Christmas

flowers. Black Magic roses and calla lilies. The

same bouquet you got every Christmas when we

were together." He set the flowers down on the

grass at the base of the headstone. "Kaity and I are

heading up to Tahoe this year. My mom thought a

change of scenery was in order. I can't lie and say

that I'm not looking forward to getting out of the

city, but I'll miss being here as well." He sat back,

crossed his legs, and rested his elbows on his

thighs with his head in his hands. "I took Kaity to

see Santa yesterday. I thought she was gonna ask

for Barbies or some kind of doll, but instead, you

know what she asked Santa for? She asked him to

bring me someone to love." He sniffled a little and

wiped his nose. "I want that so badly, but I find

myself comparing every woman I meet to you and,

of course, no one measures up."

He was quiet for a few moments.

"I miss you, Kelsi. I always wonder if I am

doing things right with Kaity, if it would be the

way you would have done things. She's only five

now and already I'm worried about when she

becomes a teenager and needs her mother. How

can I fill in?" The pain in his chest increased. He

wanted to hit someone or something until the hurt

went away. He wanted his life to be like it was

when Kelsi was still alive. The more he thought of

what Kaity would miss out on not having her

mother there, he felt an almost unbearable hollow

feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I have to go, but I

promise I'll bring Kaity with me the next time." He

stood and kissed his fingers and then pressed them

against the cold stone. "I love you, Kelsi." He

slowly walked back through the rows to his car,

allowing his grief to overtake him and his tears to

fall freely.

Chapter Five

Cole tossed clothes haphazardly from his

closet and dresser into the suitcase lying open on

his bed. He was concentrating so intently on what

he was doing that after grabbing some socks from

his dresser, Cole turned back to the suitcase and

jumped at the sight of his clothing moving. He

chuckled at the sight."Kerouac, get out of there."

He was amused as he pulled some of his things out

and the dog stood.

The dog peeked up at him, tail wagging

happily.

"You're coming with us, but not in my

luggage." He scratched behind the dog's ears.

Kerouac jumped from the suitcase and

curled up next to it, resting his head on his paws

and observing his master with dark brown eyes.

Kaity stood in the doorway with a frown on

her face.

"Hey, sweetheart. You all packed?" Cole

asked.

Kaity shook her head.

"What's the problem?"

"I don't have enough room in my suitcase for

everything I wanna take," she said with a pout that

Cole couldn't help but smile at.

"Let's see if I can help you fit everything in

there, yeah?"

Kaity nodded and turned to go into her room.

Cole followed and laughed when he saw her

suitcase overflowing with stuffed animals of every

kind. Clearing his throat when Kaity gave him an

incredulous look, he grabbed the stuffed lion from

the top of the pile. "You don't really need to take

them all with you. We're only gonna be gone for a

week and a half, Kaity."

"I know, Daddy, but I don't want any of my

dolls to be lonely while I'm gone."

Cole sat on the edge of the bed. He began

pulling the dolls and stuffed animals out of the

suitcase. "I understand that, sweetheart, but if you

take all of them, you won't have any room for your

clothes. What are you going to wear?"

Kaity's attitude was sincere as she prepared

to answer. Cole raised an eyebrow. "You can put

some of my clothes in your suitcase." Her bright

green eyes showed a child's innocence, and

although he couldn't argue with her logic, he wasn't

about to have to pack her clothing in his bags so

she could take all of her dolls.

"I don't think so." He shook his head.

"You're not gonna get away with this one. The

dolls stay."

Folding her arms across her chest, Kaity

tried to give her dad the sorrowful puppy look she

always did when trying to get her way.

"It's not gonna work this time. The dolls

stay." He placed the clothing they had chosen to

take into the suitcase and closed it. "We need to

get on the road." Cole stood and walked over to

her, placing his hand on her cheek. "Pick two dolls

to take with you that you don't need to pack."

"Thank you, Daddy."

Cole strode from the room, running his

fingers through his hair and taking a deep breath.

* * * *

The driveway to the cabin had been cleared

of snow by the time Cole pulled his car up to his

parents' house in Tahoe. He glanced in his

rearview at Kaity who was moving around in her

seat pointing out all the things she thought were

beautiful because they were covered with snow.

Kerouac pressed his nose to the window and

wagged his tail, hitting her in the face numerous

times before she pushed him away.

"We're here, Kerry. We're here!" Kaity said

as her grandparents came out of the house.

Cole shut the car off and almost immediately

Kaity took off her seatbelt. She slid out of her

booster and threw open the door, then bounded out

and ran to her grandparents, followed closely by

Kerouac. "Gramma, Gramma, Gramma!" she

shouted as she jumped into her grandmother's

arms. She gave her a tight hug and a sloppy kiss.

"Grampa!" She let go of her grandmother and ran

to the old man smiling brightly at her.

Cole's mom walked over and embraced him.

"How was the drive up?" she asked as she let him

go.

Cole shrugged and watched as Kaity

grabbed handfuls of snow and tossed them into the

air. "It was fine. We had the usual multiple stops

for the bathroom, Kerouac, and just because. That's

what took up so long to get here."

His parents' cabin always held special

memories for Cole. It sat up on a small hill away

from the roads and had a fence around the property

that, when he was a child, Cole would climb and

jump off of pretending he was Superman. He hadn't

been there since the last Christmas he'd spent with

Kelsi. Although he was sad, he was determined to

make his stay a good one. He was certain with Syd

there, it would be.

"Syd's not here yet?"

His father shook his head. "Nope. Not yet.

Do you know when he was leaving?" he asked as

he hugged Cole.

"No." Cole stepped out of his father's hug

when Kaity tugged on the hem of his coat. "What,

sweetheart?"

"Can I get my sled out of the car and play?"

she asked as she squinted against the afternoon sun.

Cole nodded and walked over to the car. He

opened the trunk with the remote on his key ring

and grabbed the sled. He leaned to the side to see

around the car as he held up the toy. "Here, Kaity."

She ran over, took the sled, and ran away to

play in the snow.

Cole grabbed their suitcases then closed the

trunk. He chuckled when he saw Kaity being

pulled on the sled by Kerouac. The scene warmed

him from within. Turning his attention to his

parents, he followed them into the house and took

their things up to their rooms before settling on the

couch downstairs in front of the fireplace. He

gazed out of the window at Kaity and Kerouac

running after one another and at one point, Kaity

attempting to make a snowman.

"How are you doing?" his mother asked,

handing him a mug of hot chocolate and sitting

beside him.

"I'm fine. Just thinking." He sipped his drink.

"About Kelsi?"

He nodded and turned to his mother. "Every

year that passes, I see more and more of her in

Kaity."

His mother smiled. "But that's a good thing,

Cole."

"I know, but it also makes me miss her even

more."

"How's Kaity doing with all of this?"

"Fine, I guess. I talked to Syd a couple days

ago and he said she's doing fine in school. She's

happy and well-adjusted, so I guess that's a good

thing."

His mother raised an eyebrow. "There's

something else, isn't there?"

Cole set his mug on the coffee table. "How'd

you know?"

"A mother can always tell."

"Syd asked the kids to draw pictures of what

Christmas means to them and she drew a picture of

Kelsi as an angel watching over the three of us."

"Aw, I think that's perfectly healthy. She

seems like she's doing fine, Cole. Give yourself

some credit. You're doing a wonderful job with

her."

The sound of a car horn blaring caught their

attention. Cole turned and through the front

window saw Syd pulling up to the house. Cole

stood up and walked to the door.

"Syd's here." He grabbed his coat from the

arm of the couch, slipped it on, and went outside,

gasping at the sudden rush of cold air hitting him.

He made his way to the large SUV as Syd got out

and Kaity ran over to him. Syd bent down and she

encircled his neck securely.

"How was your drive up, man?" Cole asked,

laughing when Syd straightened up and Kaity still

clung to his neck.

"Fine. I had to make a stop before I got on

the road." Syd turned his attention to Kaity. "And

what kind of mischief have you been getting into,

little lady?"

"I haven't been getting into mis-mis…,"

Kaity said, clearly frustrated that she couldn't

pronounce the word. She blew her bangs up from

her forehead. "I've been a good girl. Kerry has

been bad."

"Oh. He has, has he?" Syd set her on the

ground and observed the dog chasing his tail.

"Kaity, go on in the house and have Gramma

get you some hot chocolate. I'm gonna help Syd

bring his things in," Cole said.

"Okay. Are you staying with us, Mr

Kidwell?" Kaity turned and asked as she began

making her way to the cabin.

"Yup. And you can call me Syd when we're

not in school." He smiled.

"All right, Mr… um, Syd," she replied with

a grin. Turning, she ran into the cabin and slammed

the door.

"The box wasn't too heavy, was it?" Cole

asked as they went behind the SUV and Syd

opened the rear door.

"No, not at all. I just had a hell of a time

finding where you put the damned thing."

"Sorry, man. I completely forgot to tell you

that."

"Where are we gonna put this thing?"

They both considered the box then turned

their attention to the house.

"We can sneak it into the garage. She never

goes out there, so she'll never see it."

"Sounds like a plan." Syd slipped his keys

into his pocket and grabbed one end of the box.

"I'll pull it out and you take the other end when it

gets close enough, okay?"

Cole nodded and Syd pulled the box

forward. As soon as he was able, Cole held onto

the other end and they hurried to the garage, where

Cole set his end down for a moment and raised the

door. He turned and held back a small laugh when

he saw Syd had propped up the box and was

leaning on it. "Box too heavy for you?"

"Not at all, but why hold it if I can lean for a

moment?" Syd waggled his eyebrows.

Once he picked the box back up, they

continued into the structure.

"For some reason, I don't like that look on

your face," Syd said as they made it to the far

corner and set the box down.

"You know you're gonna have to help me put

this thing together, right?"

"I don't think so. But I'll keep you company

while you put it together."

"You'd do some shit like that to me?

Knowing full damn well that I'm not gonna be able

to do this alone."

Syd sighed when Cole gave him the tried

and true sad, soulful eyes. "You know, that so

shouldn't work on me," he said.

"I know. And yet, it has worked like a charm

on you since we were in school. Now… why is

that?"

Syd blushed and shrugged. "I have no idea."

They walked out and Cole closed the door.

"So, you'll help me, right?"

"Yes, I'll help you. I swear, I need to come

up with a defense for that expression."

"That'll never happen." Cole snickered.

* * * *

Cole walked into Kaity's room, smiling as

she climbed into her bed and pulled the blankets

up to her chin. He turned toward the window,

noticing the lacy curtains were pulled back so she

could watch the snow as it fell. "You wanna keep

the curtains open tonight?" he asked as he sat on

the edge of her bed.

"Yes. I like watching the snow."

Cole leaned down and kissed her forehead

as Kerouac ran into the room and jumped on the

bed. "Oh, so you're gonna sleep in here tonight?"

he asked the dog as he curled up beside Kaity and

rested his head on her side. "All right. You go to

sleep. Gramma's making you something special for

breakfast." Kaity giggled as Cole stood.

"Daddy?"

Cole turned and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Where do snowflakes come from?"

Cole took a deep breath and thought for a

moment. "From Heaven," he said softly as he

turned off the light. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Night, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you too." He walked from the room

and pulled the door until it was only open a crack.

He smiled at his parents as they walked down the

hall. "Heading to bed already?"

"Yeah. With Kaity around, you gotta be up

extra early," his mother said as she placed a hand

on his arm.

"You're not telling me anything I don't

already know." He leaned over and kissed her

cheek. "Goodnight." He continued downstairs and

into the living room. He stared at Syd sitting on the

couch with a glass of red wine in hand. The longer

he studied him, the more he found himself admiring

the strength of his profile and the way the firelight

seemed to dance on his skin. He'd always found

Syd handsome, though he had never once

entertained the notion of being attracted to him.

He'd never thought of Syd in a romantic sense

before, so the fact that he was watching Syd the

way he was had Cole questioning why he was

beginning to feel something a little more than

friendship.

"Mmm, what are you staring at?" Syd asked

as he raised his glass to his lips.

Cole cleared his throat. "You, uh, started a

fire?"

Syd chuckled. "Obviously. I thought it would

be nice since it was snowing and all."

Cole sat on the couch and put his head back,

groaning a little and rubbing his forehead.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Cole raised his head. "Talk about what?"

"You and I have been friends for far too long

for you to be able to keep anything from me. I

know you're down. You wanna talk about it?"

"There isn't really anything to talk about,

Syd. I'm fine."

"That seems to be your answer all the time

—that you're fine. You sure you are and that you're

not just saying it?"

"Yes. I'm fucking tired, but other than that…

How are you?"

"Oh, I'm all right. Going to enjoy having two

weeks off."

Cole chuckled as he leaned forward. "I'm

still damn surprised you went into teaching."

"And why is that?" Syd sipped his wine.

"I guess because you were always such a

badass in school. I thought you'd end up in jail or

something like that."

"What are you talking about were? I still am a

badass."

"Yeah, okay. You're a grade school teacher.

How badass can you be?"

"It's not what I do during school," Syd began

with a wink. "It's what I do after school."

"Do you really like what you do?"

Syd swirled the wine in his glass around. "I

actually do. There's something about seeing a kid's

face light up when they get excited about something

that just makes it all worthwhile, ya know?"

Cole nodded. "I know that all too well. Do

you really think Kaity's doing okay?" While he felt

he was doing right by his daughter, Cole still

sought that knowledge from someone else,

someone other than his family, and he knew Syd

would give him an honest answer no matter what.

"Why do you ask?" Syd stretched his legs

out and set his glass down.

Cole shrugged, feeling a little silly that he

had pushed the issue. "I just need reassurances that

I'm doing the best for her that I can… that I'm

raising her right."

"You're doing everything as right as you

know how to. What parent knows what they're

doing straight out of the box? Kaity's happy, she's

healthy, she's bright…"

Cole rolled his eyes. "You're only saying

that because you're my friend."

Syd raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

"No, if your child was a doofus, I would tell you.

That's the type of friend I am. You know that." He

studied Cole as he got comfortable. "Would you do

anything differently if you could?" he asked.

"Besides the obvious?" Cole glanced up at

the ceiling for a moment. "Uh, yeah. I probably

would have married you when you asked," he

replied with a grin.

Syd scoffed. "I don't recall ever having

asked you to marry me."

Cole leaned closer to him. "Of course you

wouldn't. You were drunk off your tits on prom

night. We were all drunk, and you blurted out a

proposal."

From the time Cole and Syd entered high

school, they had joked together about getting
married and "living happily ever after". Although
Cole had met and married Kelsi, he wondered off
and on through the years if maybe there was some
truth to the joking and playing he and Syd had
always done. Now he grew curious as to whether,

if the chance presented itself, would he—could he
—make a go of it with Syd?

Cole had always heard that people tend to

get depressed around the holidays and he was no

exception, but he was at a loss to explain why he

was suddenly having romantic thoughts about Syd.

He wondered if he could be projecting his feelings

of loss onto Syd to make the holidays a little easier

on himself, or was there more to his feeling than

that?

Syd lowered his head and laughed. "Okay,

drunken proposals aside. Would you do anything

differently?"

Cole shook his head. "Nope. I'm rather

happy with my life, such as it is. I mean, I have a

beautiful daughter, a thriving business… I don't

really think I need anything else at the moment." He

stared at the flames of the fire and laughed quietly.

"Something funny?"

"No. Just thinking about Kaity's visit to

Santa."

"What about it?"

Cole turned. "She asked Santa to bring me

someone to love."

"Aw, that's sweet. How do you feel about

that? Are you ready for someone to come into your

life?"

"I dunno. I've been on dates and all that, but

I guess no one has…"

"Lived up to the standards you have since

Kelsi died?" Syd finished. "Cole, you need to stop

comparing everyone you meet with her. You're

never gonna find someone if you continue to do

that."

"I know, but it's fucking hard not to. Besides,

I think when the time is right for someone to be in

my life again, I'll know. That time just hasn't come

yet."

Syd finished his wine and stood.

"Where are you going?"

"Bed. That drive took a bit out of me.

Night."

"Night. Sleep well."

Syd began walking out of the room. "You,

too."

Cole watched him leave and relaxed into the

couch to enjoy the fire for a while longer, mulling

over their conversation. Maybe he was setting an

impossible standard for anyone else who might

come along in his life romantically, but it was hard

not to want someone who made him feel like Kelsi

did.

Chapter Six

The morning brought with it the sounds of

Kaity laughing and screaming. Cole got up and

stretched as he went to the window. He chuckled

when he saw Syd pulling Kaity on her sled through

the snow. Leaving the window, he went

downstairs and inhaled deeply of the smells of

coffee, bacon, and French toast. He walked into

the kitchen and was met with a smile from his

mother as she stood at the stove piling thick slices

of egg-battered bread on a plate.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked as she

turned.

"Yeah. I forgot where I was for a little bit

there. What time did all of you get up?" He

grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee from the

old metal pot sitting beside him.

"About

seven.

you

want

some

breakfast?"

"Yeah. Why didn't someone wake me up?"

His mother shrugged and put the plate on the

counter. "Syd thought it would be nice to let you

sleep."

Cole raised an eyebrow and sipped his

coffee. "Syd?"

"Mmm-hmm. He got Kaity dressed and

down here for breakfast, made sure she ate what

she took and now they're playing outside."

Cole nodded. "Remind me to thank him

later. Where's Pop?"

"He's taking Kerouac for a walk." She

grabbed an empty plate and put three slices of

bacon on it and set it in front of Cole. "Eat." She

sat beside him and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"It's been a while since I haven't had to jump

up and get Kaity dressed or make breakfast. This is

kinda nice, Mom."

"Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. I'm not

doing this every morning. I just promised Kaity I

would today." She chuckled and sipped from her

mug. "I'm gonna take her into town to do some

Christmas shopping."

"She was asking me about that before we

left. She wants to get me a present."

His mother raised an eyebrow. "What do

you want?"

Cole shook his head. "No idea, but Mom…

don't let her get me a Chia Pet, please?"

She chuckled and stood. "I'll do my best, but

if she has her little heart set on that as your gift, act

happy and surprised when you get it." She placed

her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently.

Cole sighed in defeat and watched his

mother leave the room.

* * * *

Trying to watch a movie with Kaity

bouncing on the couch beside him was nearly

impossible. Cole glanced at her and grinned when

she smiled up at him. "What's got you all happy?"

he asked, muting the TV.

"Syd said he was gonna go shopping with

me and Gramma today."

"Really now?" Cole raised an eyebrow.

Kaity nodded and moved onto her father's

lap. "Daddy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cole feigned like he was thinking for a

minute or so. "I'll be happy with whatever it is you

get me." He paused and scratched his chin. "Just,

no Chia Pets."

Kaity crinkled her eyebrows and cocked her

head to the side a little. "What's that?"

"If you don't know, I pray you never find

out." Cole kissed her cheek.

"Can we take Kerry with us?"

"Uh, no. I think he'd be happier here than

locked in Gramma's car while you all are inside."

"Oh, Gramma's not driving, Syd is."

Cole nodded and brushed a few dark strands

of hair from Kaity's face. "Your hair looks really

nice. Who did it this morning?" he asked.

"Syd. Don't you like it, Daddy?"

"I think you're beautiful as always,

sweetheart. But then again, there is no improving

perfection."

Kaity blushed and hugged Cole tightly.

Syd walked into the room and grinned at the

scene before him. "Is this a private party or can

anyone join?" he asked when father and daughter

turned to him.

"C'mon in." Cole motioned for him to join

them on the couch.

Syd sat on the opposite end of the couch and

crossed his legs while Kaity slid from Cole's lap

to sit between them.

"Thank you for getting Kaity dressed and

doing her hair this morning," Cole said.

"Don't mention it. I'm kinda enjoying getting

to spend time with Kaity outside of the classroom.

But I don't think you and I get to hang out nearly

enough anymore."

Kaity tugged on Syd's shirt. "What about

me?"

Syd grinned at her. "I see you every day at

school."

"Yeah, but—" Kaity began, but was quickly

interrupted.

"Kaity, come get your coat, scarf, hat, and

mittens on," her grandmother called out.

With a soft moan of disappointment, she

scooted from the couch and ran out of the room.

"I'm coming, Gramma."

Cole grinned. "I really do appreciate you

taking care of her this morning. Where did you

learn to do a little girl's hair?"

Syd shrugged. "I looked at it and thought

'How hard can this be?' She told me what she

wanted and voilà."

Cole chuckled lightly. "Before I forget, do

you wanna come Christmas shopping with me

tomorrow? I still have a couple things to get for

Kaity."

"Yeah, sure. Do you know what you're

getting her?"

Cole nodded. "Anything Hannah Montana. I

still need to pick up a couple Barbies for her

dream house as well."

Syd frowned slightly. "You're gonna drag

me into a toy store three days before Christmas?"

Cole nodded.

Syd sighed. "All right. So long as we can go

early to try and avoid some of the crowds."

Kaity ran back into the room bundled up for

the cold outside.

Cole groaned softly. "Fine. We can go early.

Just make sure you wake me up, okay?"

Kaity tugged at Syd's shirt. "We're ready to

go, Syd."

"I'll go get my coat and hat then," he replied

and stood. He winked at Kaity and walked from

the room.

"Can we take Syd home with us, Daddy?"

she asked, turning to face her father.

Cole shook his head. "I think he has a home

of his own."

"But I think it would be better if he lived

with you and me."

Cole raised an eyebrow as he considered

his

question

carefully.

"Why's

that,

sweetheart?"

"Because then you'd have someone to love."

Cole placed his hand on his forehead and

tried to stifle a laugh. "Um, Syd and I… we don't

think of each other in that way, Kaity."

She inclined her head. "You're friends,

right?"

Cole nodded, not realizing Syd has

reappeared in the entryway. "Yeah, we're friends,
but that doesn't mean

—

"You love your friends, don't you?" she

interrupted as she regarded him.

"Yeah, I do, but…"

"Then why couldn't he be the someone for

you to love?"

Cole grew flustered as he tried to think of an

answer quickly.

"Kaity, are you ready to go?" Syd asked.

"Yeah!" she replied as she jumped off the

couch and ran from the room.

Cole exhaled deeply in relief. "Thanks," he

said, shaking his head.

"No problem." Syd grinned and walked from

the room.

* * * *

Cole sat with his computer on his lap,

scrutinizing the images on the screen. He had used

Kaity's shopping trip as an opportunity to get some

work done in peace and quiet. Hearing Kaity

giggling, he glanced at the door as she ran in and

bounced on the bed beside him.

"Hey there. When did you get back?" Cole

asked as she scooted closer to him.

"Just now. What're you doing?"

Cole eyed the screen. "Work. I have to say

okay or no way to some designs for new T-shirts.

What do you think? Do you like any of these?"

Kaity studied the pictures on the screen. She

scrunched her tiny nose up at a few of the things

she saw. She pointed and shook her head. "I don't

like those."

"You're sure you don't like those?"

Kaity nodded. "Yup. I don't like those ones."

Cole grinned. "Okay, I'll make a note of the

ones you don't like and maybe think about changing
them, but I'm not making any promises."

"Daddy, when are you gonna make me my

pink T-shirts like you promised?"

"I'll email the design team and have them

come up with something you might like. Who

knows? Maybe it will jumpstart that kids line I've

been talking about. Is that okay with you?"

"Yup. That's okay with me, Daddy. Can I

have some hot chocolate?"

Cole kissed her head. "Sure. Tell Gramma I

said it was all right."

Kaity scrambled off the bed and ran out of

the room.

Cole exhaled deeply and went back to work.

He was so engrossed in what he was doing he

didn't see Syd standing in the doorway until he

knocked on the doorjamb. Cole motioned for him

to come into the room as he closed his laptop. Syd

held out a mug.

"What is it?" Cole asked as he eyed the light

colored liquid inside.

"I spiked some coffee with Kahlua and

creamer." Syd sipped from his own mug. "I thought

you could use something a little stronger than hot

chocolate."

Cole grinned as he sipped the drink. He

relished the feeling of the hot liquid going down

his throat. "How was shopping?" He set the mug

and laptop on the night table.

"Fine. I spent the afternoon dodging

questions similar to the ones you were getting

earlier," Syd sat on the edge of the bed.

Cole rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, man. She

doesn't understand about the kind of love that I

want to give and want in return."

Syd nodded and sipped from his cup again.

"It's fine. I think I made it clear that it wasn't a

conversation she and I were going to have

anymore. Anything else she wants to know, she can

ask you."

"You'd leave me out to dry like that?" Cole

asked, somewhat surprised.

Syd laughed airily as he set his mug on the

other night table and leaned back on the bed.

"What the fuck am I supposed to tell her, Cole?

'Why yes, Kaity, I'll come home with you and be

the love of your father's life, the one he's been

dreaming about and praying for. You know as well

as I do that it's not nice to lie to kids."

But what if it's not a complete lie? Cole

thought as he eyed his friend. He shrugged a little.
"What the fuck am I supposed to tell her? She
clearly has the picture of you and me in her
head…"

Syd held up his hand. "Yeah, she does, but

she has no clue what you really want, Cole. She

just thinks you want someone to make you as happy

as she saw you and her mother, not the behind the

scenes stuff."

Cole nodded as he slid down to rest his

head on the pillows. "Why does parenting have to

be so fucking difficult?"

Syd laughed as he placed his hand on top of

Cole's. "It's only as difficult as you make it." He

lay beside Cole and looked at the ceiling.

"Damn…"

"What?" Cole asked as he eyed his friend.

"This fucking bed is comfortable. I may

sneak my ass in here one night and sleep with you."

"That won't give Kaity the wrong idea or

anything, Syd." Cole couldn't help the note of

sarcasm in his voice.

"So? This fucker is all nice and cushy. I'll

deal with a five-year-old having the wrong idea if

it means I can sleep on a fucking cloud."

Cole laughed and shook his head. "You're

still just as fucking crazy as you were in high

school, you know that?"

Syd grinned. "Yup, and you like it that way."

Cole nodded. He had to admit, Syd's

craziness was what often made it easy to get

through the harder times during high school. He

was always the one Cole could count on if he

needed someone to talk to or joke around with; the

same one who he would go to when he had broken

up with a girl or one had rejected him. They would

spend the night talking shit about the girl until Cole

felt better. "You're right. I wouldn't have you any

other way," he said, hoping the double meaning of

his statement would not fall on deaf ears.

Syd smiled as though he understood

perfectly well what Cole was really trying to say.

Chapter Seven

Cole made his way downstairs, scratching

the back of his head. Walking into the kitchen, he

acknowledged Syd with a yawn when he peered up

from reading the newspaper.

"Morning," Syd said quietly.

"Mmm," Cole mumbled. He made a cup of

coffee and sat at the table.

"Rough night last night?"

Cole sipped his coffee and closed his eyes

as he nodded. "Bad dream. Kept me up for a

couple of hours." He rested his elbows on the

table.

"Anything you wanna share?"

"Where is everyone?"

Syd cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, did you

purposely avoid my question with another question

just now?"

Cole shook his head. "No. I don't want to

talk about it if Kaity is here."

"Oh. Kaity and your parents went into town

to get a tree. They should be back later."

Syd folded the paper neatly and slid it to the

center of the table. "So, tell me about the dream."

Cole took a deep breath. "It was a replay of

the accident. I have the same dream every time. I'm

trying to get to Kelsi before the car slips under the

surface of the water, but no matter how hard I

paddle, I just can't get to her. It's like it wasn't

enough for me to actually be there and watch my

wife drown in real life, no, I have to relive it

through my dreams." He took a long drink of his

coffee.

"Have you ever gone to see someone about

that?"

"What? Like a shrink?"

Syd nodded and grabbed his coffee mug.

"Yeah, I did for awhile. I didn't tell anyone

because I didn't want that stigma of being cuckoo.

She kept telling me that it was my subconscious's

way of dealing with the events of that night." Cole

was eager to change the subject, not wanting to talk

about the night his wife passed any further. He saw

the toy ad sitting to one side of the newspaper.

"You ready for our shopping trip?"

Syd glanced at the ad. "Yeah. I have a few

things in mind that I'd like to get Kaity, if it's okay

with you."

"So long as it's not anything that she can burn

the house down with."

Syd chuckled. "Okay, so that would be a no

on the chemistry set then?"

Cole snickered and stood, grabbing his

coffee. "That's a huge fuckin' hell no. I'm just
gonna go get dressed and we can head out."

"All right. Take your time," Syd grabbed the

toy ad.

* * * *

The toy store at Christmas is most parents'

worst nightmare, but it was one they endure to get

their kids the newest, hottest, most-wanted toys of

the year and Cole was no different. He spoiled

Kaity to a fault, but being that she was his little

girl, anything she wanted within reason would be

hers.

Syd and Cole walked slowly toward the

entrance, watching as parents hurried into and out

of the store. They chuckled when they saw two

women get into a fight over a parking space but

continued into the building.

"You're sure you wanna do this?" Syd asked.

"Yeah. I should have done it when I got the

dream house, but for whatever reason, I didn't

think about it. C'mon. The sooner we find what we

want, the sooner we get the hell out of here." Cole

grabbed a cart and they headed into the fray. The

longer they were in the store, the more frustrated

he got, while trying his damnedest to avoid any

little kids running around without a parent.

Syd hurried along beside him, eyeing the

different toys along their way to the Barbie

section. "And how the fuck do you plan to make

this fun? From what I can tell, there is nothing but

torture as far as the eye can see."

Cole noticed the apprehension on Syd's face

as he scrutinized the people around them. He

grabbed something from one of the shelves as they

passed by. "Syd, you're a kindergarten teacher, for

Christ's sake. How can you be this freaked by a

bunch of little kids?"

"Yeah, well, it's not the kids I'm worried

about… it's the parents."

Cole nodded and grinned mischievously.

"Hey, Syd?"

Syd turned and gasped when Cole sprayed

him with hot pink Silly String. "Geez…what are

you? Fucking twelve?" he laughed out.

"Nope, but dammit, stop fucking worrying

and get your ass shopping."

They heard the sound of someone clearing

their throat and turned slowly to find an older man

giving them a stern look while pushing his glasses

up onto his nose.

Cole cleared his own throat, recapped the

can, and tossed it into the cart. "I fully plan on

paying for this." He and Syd quickly walked away.

"This shit better not ruin my clothes, Cole.

I'll beat your ass if it does."

Cole only grinned and glanced back at his

friend as he pulled clumps and strings of the

Styrofoam-like substance from his clothing and

hair. "Ya know, I may like you beating my ass.

You might wanna think of something else to do to

punish me if your clothes are ruined." He turned

down an aisle and opened his eyes wide at the sea

of pink boxes.

Syd walked up beside him, his face

mirroring Cole's. "I feel like I jumped into a bottle

of Pepto-Bismol," he said as he studied the variety

of little dolls. "Do you have any specific ones you

want to get?"

Cole shook his head. "No, just grab like

three of them and let's get the hell out of here. I feel

the testosterone being sucked from my body the

longer I stay on this aisle."

Syd obliged, grabbing three different boxes

and scrutinized their different appearances before

tossing them into the cart. "How do you tolerate

playing dolls with Kaity if you can't even stand to

be in the doll aisle?" he asked as they quickly left

the section behind.

"It's not the same thing, man. You'd have to

play dolls with her to understand. Hey…"

Syd turned quickly, fixing Cole with a glare

that could kill. "Don't even fucking think about it,

Nichols. There is no way in hell I am going to play

dolls with you and Kaity."

Cole shrugged. "That's fine, Let's see how

immune you are to the eyes. You think mine are
bad, wait 'til she gets ahold of you."

He chuckled as Syd pulled various toys from

the shelves as they walked through the store.

* * * *

Waiting until well after Kaity was in bed,

Cole and Syd unloaded the presents from Cole's

car.

Syd admired the full moon briefly. "Is there

a reason why we're bringing all this stuff in now?"

He took two more bags from the car.

"Because if we bring everything in while

Kaity's awake, we might as well just give her all

of it and have nothing for her under the tree."

"There's no need to be snippy."

Cole rolled his eyes. "I'm not being snippy.

I'm—matter-of-fact."

Syd

nodded.

"Matter-of-fact,

meaning

snippy." He chuckled as they carried their items

across the yard to the cabin.

"Fuck you," Cole said with a laugh.

"Only if you let me videotape it."

Cole turned as they reached the side door of

the garage. "Does anyone even use videotape

anymore? I thought everything was digital."

"You really are a smart-ass, aren't you?"

Cole grinned as he opened the door.

"Now I know where Kaity gets it from."

"I would flip you off right now, but my

hands are full."

"Yeah, well, you'd get one right back if not

for the same reason."

Both men laughed as Syd kicked the door

closed. Hurriedly, they set the box down and went

back to the car to get the bags and smaller items

still inside. Rushing into the cabin, Cole and Syd

relished the warmth. They cupped their hands over

their mouths and breathed hot air into them in an

attempt to take the chill from their fingers.

While Cole's parents were watching

television downstairs, he and Syd went up to their

room to leave the bags since his mother had

designated their room as the one where she would

be wrapping gifts. Cole opened the closet door and

flipped the light switch on. His eyes opened wide

when he saw all the packages sitting on shelves

and on the floor.

"Should we peek in the bags?" Cole asked,

shuffling toward a large white bag sitting in the

center of the room.

"No. Don't you like being surprised on

Christmas?"

Cole raised an eyebrow. "If it means the

new love of my life sitting under the tree on

Christmas, then yes. Otherwise, I couldn't care

less." He made a move to grab one of the many

bags, but Syd grabbed him and held his arms

closely to his sides.

"Don't even think about it. Christmas is a

couple days away. You can wait," Syd said

sternly.

Cole's breath hitched slightly and he blushed

in embarrassment at the way Syd spoke to him. He

shook loose from his grip and smoothed his shirt

and jacket. "Fine. I'll wait." He opened the door

and quickly walked from the room.

Chapter Eight

Cole sat up in his bed, not sure what had

awakened him so suddenly in the middle of the

night. He frowned and began to lie back until he

heard Kaity yelling in her room.

"Mommy! Mommy! Don't leave me! Come

back!" she shouted repeatedly.

Hearing Kaity calling out for her mother cut

Cole to the quick. It wasn't often she had dreams or

nightmares about her mom leaving, but when she

did, it always upset Cole. His heart raced as he

threw back the covers and got up. As he hurried

down the hall, he felt as though he couldn't get

there fast enough. He wanted to soothe his

daughter, to tell her she was fine and it was just a

dream. He needed to take away the hurt of her

mom being gone, if only for a few moments.

He knocked softly on the door."Kaity?

Sweetheart?" He spoke in quiet tones so he

wouldn't wake the rest of the house.

"Daddy," Kaity said, her voice thick with

distress.

Cole opened the door and found her curled

in a tiny ball in the corner. He walked over and

wrapped his arms around her, lifting her with no

trouble. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"

She shook her head as he sat on the window

seat, adjusting her so they were comfortable. He

kissed her head and rocked her gently. "Daddy's

here. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I

promise," he said as Kaity knotted her little hands

in his T-shirt. Gradually, her sobs turned into soft

hiccups and sniffles. Cole put his head back

against the window and blinked back the tears

forming in his eyes.

His heart ached for his daughter. He knew

the pain she was feeling because he felt it himself.

He remembered all the nights he'd questioned God

about why he decided it was time to take Kelsi

from him. Why Kaity had to grow up without her

mother. How was he supposed to go on when the

first person he'd loved more than himself was

gone? Kaity would never have her mother teach

her about putting on make-up or how to walk in

high heels. Of course Cole could do those things,

but he'd always felt they were moments, memories,

Kaity should be making with her mother.

"I love you, Kaity," he whispered.

"I love you too, Daddy."

Cole stood and went to the bed. He set Kaity

down, covered her up, and lay beside her. "Do you

want to talk about your dream?"

She shook her head furiously.

"Okay. How 'bout I just lay here until you

fall back asleep?"

She only nodded.

Cole smiled and began humming a tune he

knew would calm her enough so she would go

back to sleep. He saw the door open slightly and

smiled when Syd poked his head in. He inclined

his head in acknowledgement and received the

same gesture in return before Syd disappeared

from the doorway.

* * * *

With a heavy sigh, Cole pulled Kaity's door

closed and rested his head on the wood as he

sniffled quietly. He went to his room and was

startled to see Syd lying in his bed. "Um, why the

fuck are you in my bed?"

"I told you I was gonna sneak in here one

night and sleep with you." Syd wiggled down

under the covers a little more. "Is Kaity all right?"

Cole sat beside Syd and put his head in his

hands. "Yeah, she's fine. Nightmare." He lay down

and covered up.

"Are you all right?" When Cole didn't reply,

Syd continued. "Okay, if you're nodding or shaking

your head, I can't see in the dark. I don't have that

superpower… yet."

Cole laughed as tears began sliding from the

corners of his eyes.

"Cole, talk to me," Syd began as he shifted

closer to him and wrapped his arms around him. "I

don't like seeing you like this."

Cole turned to face his friend and rested his

head beneath Syd's chin as he continued to weep.

"I feel so fucking broken," he said quietly. "I don't

know what to do. I'm just going through the

motions, making everyone think that I'm doing fine,

when the truth is… I'm not." His body shuddered

with the strength of his sobs. "I'm not fucking fine!"

Syd kissed his head and inhaled deeply.

"You aren't broken, Cole. You're fractured. If you

were broken, you wouldn't even be able to function

on any level, but you do. You get up in the

morning, you take care of Kaity, you're a great

friend…"

Cole raised his head. "Then why the fuck do

I feel like I do when I see Kaity suffering?"

Syd wiped the tears from Cole's cheeks.

"Because you're a parent. Because you haven't
allowed yourself to move on yet. I know it's

cliché, but do you really think Kelsi would want
you to stop living because she's gone?"

"No…"

"Then why are you doing this to yourself?

You've closed your heart off from feeling love."

"I don't want to be hurt again. I don't think I

could withstand losing someone I love again."

Syd shrugged. "It's a risk you'll have to take,

Cole. Life isn't filled with guarantees. If it was,

what's left to live for?"

Without giving it a second thought, Cole

leaned over and pressed his lips to Syd's. He

closed his eyes as he ran his tongue along Syd's

bottom lip. He gasped when Syd pulled away

suddenly.

"Cole… you… we can't do this. Not now…"

"But why not?" Cole frowned in the dark.

"You're hurting. You don't really want to do

this and I… I would hate for you to regret doing

something with me or, God forbid, you blame me

in the morning for taking advantage of the

situation."

Cole pushed his face closer to Syd's. "But I

want this. I know what I'm doing. Please?" he

whispered.

"I can't. Anything you want to do now, if the

feelings are there when you aren't upset, can wait."

Cole rolled away, trying to pull his arms

from around his waist, but failing miserably.

"Don't turn away from me in anger, Cole."

Syd delicately placed a kiss to the back of Cole's

neck.

Cole exhaled deeply at the sensation and

began to grow calm. Slowly, he reached down and

placed his hand over Syd's, lacing their fingers

together. "I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry. Under other

circumstances, I would not only be flattered, but I

would be taking you up on the offer."

Cole laughed and turned his body into Syd's,

smiling at the closeness and the feeling of security

he found there.

Chapter Nine

Cole woke up alone the following morning

and grabbed the pillow Syd had slept on. He

snuggled it, inhaling deeply of Syd's scent left on

the material. He closed his eyes and hummed

contentedly, squeezing the pillow tighter. He

opened his eyes when he heard Kaity singing. He

turned loose the pillow and got up, intent on

investigating where the singing was coming from.

As he walked down the hall, his smile grew.

Cole paused in the doorway and grinned at

Kaity and Syd standing in front of the bathroom

mirror, hairbrushes in hand as the two of them sang

along to the Mariah Carey Christmas song playing

on the small radio hanging from the shower head.

He stifled a laugh and clapped when the song

ended.

Startled, Syd fumbled with the hairbrush

until it fell into the sink. He turned as a deep

scarlet blush covered his face.

"I didn't think you had it in you, man," Cole

said as Kaity ran over to him giggling and hugged

his leg.

"Morning, Daddy." She pulled away,

peering up at him.

"Morning, sweetheart." Cole bent down and

kissed her cheek. "Did you sleep well after I left?"

"Yeah," she replied with a nod. "I'm gonna

see if Gramma is awake yet." She ran from the

room.

Cole turned his attention to Syd and raised

an eyebrow.

"What?" Syd asked as he took the brush out

of the sink and set it on the counter. He grabbed his

toothbrush.

"You don't have to get up with Kaity, you

know? I can do it."

Syd watched Cole walk into the room and

sit on the edge of the bathtub. "I'm sure you can, but

I don't mind."

Cole dropped his gaze to the tiled floor.

"About last night…" he said softly, peering up at

his friend.

Syd shrugged. "There's nothing to say about

it, Cole." He sat on the toilet and studied him.

"But there is."

"Then by all means…"

Cole took a deep breath and licked his lips.

"For the first time in three years, I felt something

last night. I knew what I was doing and I wanted

to. Nothing would have made me regret having

been intimate with you in any way, Syd. Yes, I was

hurting, but I wasn't so blinded by the pain that I

didn't know what was going on."

"I couldn't take the chance that it was a

mistake. Your friendship means more to me than

almost anything else. Fuck, it should after thirteen

years. I would never forgive myself if I let

anything happen to it."

Cole nodded. "But would it be so bad if the

way we saw each other changed? Would it be a

bad thing if we did fall in love?"

Syd shook his head as he sat back a little.

"No, not at all… so long as you're sure it's because

you actually have those feelings for me and not

because you're searching for someone to kill your

pain temporarily." He stood and crossed over to

Cole, placing his hand on his cheek. "The chance

to love you as more than a friend… it wouldn't be

a bad thing at all. It's something I have wanted for

a very long time."

Cole nuzzled against his hand. "Why haven't

you ever said anything?"

"Because you were married and happy and I

didn't think you could ever see me as anything

other than a friend. Not to mention, I never had any

inkling that you would, or could, even be open to

me wanting you in that fashion. Then when Kelsi

died, I didn't, and still don't, want to take

advantage of you while you were grieving."

"So you're just content to sit by and watch

me fall for someone else?"

Syd leaned against the sink. "I wouldn't say

that I would be content, but I would be happy if

you were."

"I would be happy with you, Syd."

"If it's meant to happen, Cole, it'll happen.

Just give it time," Syd whispered and walked from

the room.

"It'll happen," Cole repeated.

* * * *

Cole kept thinking of the conversation as he

sat in the kitchen nibbling a muffin. He chuckled to

himself as he took a bite of the blueberry-filled

confection. The way Syd had responded to him

confirmed that his feelings would be returned

when Syd deemed it was okay for him to do so. He

was so deep in thought, he barely heard his mother

calling to him from upstairs.

"Cole? Can I see you upstairs for a minute?"

Just hearing those words made Cole think

back on everything he'd done over the past few

days. Every time he heard his mother ask him that,

he had the same reaction. When he was a kid, it

started because he wanted to think up a good story

should he need one and when he got to be an adult,

he did it to try and figure out what sort of

explanation he could get away with for whatever

he might have done.

Taking his breakfast, he climbed the stairs

and went into his parents' room, where all the

presents were stored. "Did I do something I'm not

aware of?" he asked and took a bite of the muffin.

"No, but the fact that you have to ask that has

me worried." His mother grinned as she grabbed a

bag from the floor. She reached in and pulled out a

can of Silly String. "You didn't really buy this for

Kaity, did you?"

Cole took the can from her. "No. Syd and I

were playing with it in the store. We got caught by

an employee and I had to buy it."

"Is that why there's foam all over the stuff in

your bags?" She set the bag down and grabbed the

one full of Barbies.

"Yeah. I kinda sprayed Syd with it."

His mother raised her eyebrows. "You

either did or didn't, there is no kinda."

His mother would always call him out on his

bullshit and this time was no exception. "Is there

anything else you wanna know?"

"Yes. Is any of this stuff from Santa?"

Nodding, Cole pointed to a bag sitting in the

corner. "The dolls are from Santa. The stuffed

animals and dress-up stuff is from Syd. The new

tea set is from me."

His mother smiled, looking down at the

large box with a tea service picture on it. "Are you

prepared to have a tea party with her?"

"Mom, how many times have you called in

the middle of one of our parties?"

"You have a point. And what about the little

make-up set that's sitting on top of that box?"

Cole turned to see what she was talking

about. "Oh. That goes in her stocking."

"Okay. Thank you."

Cole started to leave the room.

"One of these days I'm going to teach you to

wrap gifts. Every year, I am the one who gets stuck

doing this for hours and hours. It's time for a

change."

"You tried to teach me a few years ago and

everything just ended up in gift bags. Remember

that? You complained because there was no

mystery to what was inside if you just put the gift

in a bag."

His mother laughed and slapped his arm

before he had a chance to get away.

"Thanks for wrapping everything, Mom. I

appreciate it," he called out as he went back

downstairs.

Chapter Ten

That night, Cole walked downstairs and into

the living room, smiling at the fire burning in the

fireplace. He grabbed a blanket from the couch,

wrapped it around himself, and sat in front of the

hearth. He watched the way the flames seemed to

dance and listened intently to the sound of wood

crackling as it burned. He inhaled deeply, feeling

warm and content then lay back on the fluffy rug,

tugging the blanket tighter around himself.

"Enjoying yourself?" Syd asked as he

walked in carrying a glass and a bottle of red

wine.

Cole slid his eyes sideways and nodded.

"Mmm-hm. Actually, I am. It's December twenty-

third, all the Christmas shopping is done and for

the first time in a long time, I'm happy. I'm happy

without the benefit of Kaity's smile or her

innocence about life. I am truly happy."

Syd set the wine on the coffee table.

"Was I disturbing you?" Cole asked as he

cocked an eyebrow and eyed the stemware.

"Not at all. Would you like a glass?"

"Sure."

Syd handed him the glass he held and

walked from the room, probably to get another

glass.

Cole sat up and grabbed the bottle. He

pulled the cork from it and filled the glass.

"Starting without me?" Syd asked as he

walked in and sat beside him. He cleared his

throat when Cole filled his glass to the very top.

"Trying to get me drunk?"

Cole set the bottle down. "Nah. I wouldn't

do something like that. Especially not since we're

all baking tomorrow and I'd catch hell if we ruin

the sugar cookies for Santa."

Syd sipped his wine. "Wait. You didn't tell

me we'd have to help with the baking."

Cole watched Syd drinking. "What did you

think we'd be doing?"

Syd shrugged. "Taste testing? Supervising?"

Cole laughed and set his glass down. "We

could do that, but then we could also go running

into the snow butt naked right now, but that's not

gonna happen."

Syd leaned back and studied Cole's ass.

"Oh, I don't know. Watching you running naked in

the snow might be something to see."

Cole's cheeks flushed. "I don't fucking think

so. If I'm gonna freeze, you're gonna have to be out

there with me."

"I'll do it if you do."

Cole scoffed as his eyes met his friend's.

"You're not serious."

"Why not? Everyone's asleep." Syd sipped

from his glass, giving Cole time to consider the

proposition.

"Is this just an excuse to see me naked?"

Syd laughed. "If I wanted to see you naked, I

get the feeling all I would have to do is ask."

Cole turned away, suddenly feeling shy.

"Can we please stop discussing me being naked?"

Syd set his glass down. "Fine. We can talk

about something else… but what?"

"I think Kaity is going to love what you got

her," Cole said as he laid back once more,

pillowing his head on his arms and never taking

his gaze from Syd's face.

"I hope so. This is the first time I've ever

had to shop for a little girl." Syd laid beside Cole,

resting on his side so he could look at him. "Can

we share the blanket?"

Cole sat up and pulled the blanket from

under himself. He spread it out to cover the two of

them and laid his head on Syd's shoulder. He

hummed when Syd wrapped his arms around him.

"So, where are we gonna put her dream

house together?"

Cole peered up at him, firelight dancing in

his eyes. "In here. Do you honestly think I would

hang out in the garage putting that thing together? It

way too cold out there, even if we do bundle up."

"And how do you explain it if Kaity comes

downstairs?"

Cole smirked as he leaned on his elbow.

"I'm sure we'll think of something. You always

were good at coming up with excuses on the fly."

Syd chuckled and ran his fingers through

Cole's hair.

"What're you doing?"

Syd slid his fingers down the back of Cole's

neck, pulling him closer.

"Syd…" Cole's words were cut off by Syd

pressing his soft lips to his. Placing his hands on

either side of Syd's face, Cole gently pushed him

away. "That better not be because of the wine," he

said with a chuckle.

A wide smile spread over Syd's face as he

nuzzled his nose to Cole's. "I've only had a few

sips, Cole. It's all me." He brushed his lips across

Cole's.

"Good. I would hate to think…" Cole leaned

up and pressed his lips to Syd's. He slipped his

tongue from between his lips and flicked it over

Syd's own, groaning slightly when Syd opened his

mouth to allow the intruder in. Slowly, he moved

to straddle Syd's hips and sat up. He stared down

at Syd with a grin on his face.

Syd rested his head on his arms and studied

Cole's face. "Something wrong?"

"Is this okay?" Cole whispered as he placed

his hands on Syd's chest.

"Is what okay?" Syd sat up and wrapped his

arms around Cole's waist.

"This. Us. You. Me. Is this okay? A few

days ago you were telling me to make sure my

feelings for you were genuine and now here we

are…"

Syd kissed him. "I think this is more than

okay. If you aren't sure though…"

Cole shook his head as he gazed into the

depths of Syd's eyes. "I haven't been surer about

anything for a long time, but what about Kaity?"

"This is what she wanted, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but asking for it and being confronted

with the reality of it are two different things." Cole

slid from Syd's lap.

"Are you sure it isn't you and your heart

you're worried about?"

Cole paled. He hadn't expected Syd to call

his motivations into question. He wasn't thinking
about much except being with Syd. "Why… why
would you say that? Why would I be worried
about my heart in your hands? Should I be?"

"No, no. You shouldn't be worried about that

at all. Look, Kaity wanted you and I together… the

idea of it seems logical to her. In her eyes, it's the

simplest answer to your happiness."

Cole opened his mouth to say something, but

Syd placed his finger over his lips.

"Kaity will be fine. Cole, it's time to think of

yourself and your heart. What do you want? If it's

not this, let me know now and it goes no further."

Cole groaned in frustration as he lay back,

hitting his head on the rug-covered floor with a

soft thud. "Ow… fuck," he mumbled as he rubbed

at the spot.

Syd chuckled until Cole turned to him. Their

gazes mirrored one another, searching for any sign

of doubt that they shouldn't pursue what was so

clearly blossoming between them.

Cole reached up and placed his hand on the

back of Syd's neck, pulling him into a kiss that set

his insides afire. He closed his eyes and let the

magic of the moment overtake him as Syd touched

him in ways he hadn't been in years. Tender,

loving touches that stimulated every fiber of his

being. He frowned when Syd pulled away

suddenly. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just want to remember the way

you look in this exact moment."

Cole felt his skin flushing from the sudden

shyness he felt in his friend's presence.

"I don't think I've seen you more beautiful

that you are right now."

"If you're trying to flatter me… it's

working," Cole replied. He knotted his hands in

the cloth of Syd's T-shirt as they kissed once again.

It wasn't like previous kisses, each man wanting to

gauge the other's reaction. No, this one was more

ardent, filled with urgency and need. Cole

breathed heavy, his skin growing more and more

heated with every touch, every look that passed

between them.

Syd lay fully on Cole, thrusting his pelvis

against Cole's.

Cole moaned out at the friction to his swiftly

hardening cock. He reached beneath Syd's shirt

and traced his fingers over the muscles as they

moved fluidly. His breath quickened when Syd

began sliding down between his legs. He

swallowed hard as Syd dragged his pajama pants

off, leaving him completely exposed in the warmth

of the room. Though his brain was screaming for

him to stop everything for fear that Kaity, or God

forbid, his parents, would come downstairs and

see them in the compromising situation, his body

urged him to continue.

His whole body shook down to its core

when Syd languidly flicked his tongue over the

head of Cole's cock. He bit his lip to stifle the

cries of pleasure building in his throat when Syd

took him into his mouth. Cole arched his back,

loving the silky feeling of Syd's tongue. His best

friend's hands on him, his mouth working him into

such a fever pitch, he had a hard time keeping

quiet, everything he felt put his body on sensory

overload.

Hesitantly he reached down and threaded his

fingers in Syd's dark hair, alternating between

massaging his scalp and tugging on the soft strands.

He was unable to stop a whimper from leaving his

lips when Syd began tonguing at his balls and

raised his head to watch as Syd brought him closer

and closer to the edge, only to pull back and grin

wickedly as he stroked Cole firmly.

"Don't tease me," Cole gasped out as Syd

delicately blew across the head of his length.

Syd waggled his eyebrows. "Why not?" The

tone in his voice was suddenly more flirtatious.

Cole couldn't contain his laughter at Syd

trying to be suave. In all the years they had known

each other, he had never heard him speak with a

seductive tone and although what they were about

to do was serious, he was grateful his friend was

helping him to relax, even if he wasn't sure it was

done on purpose.

"Something funny?" Syd seemed genuinely

clueless.

Cole cleared his throat, trying to contain the

small bursts of giggles. "I'm sorry. Do you always

sound that way when you're seducing someone?"

Syd shrugged. "Not all the time, no, but I

thought it might help you to loosen up a little." His

voice was filled with sincerity and that made

Cole's heart skip a beat.

"It's working."

"Good, because seeing you like this? Well,

it's something that I have fantasized about for a

long, long time, Cole. I'm going to enjoy watching

you writhe, and whine, and then come for me."

Cole licked his lips and with a frustrated

groan, he fell back and covered his eyes with his

arm. He was helpless as Syd kept him in a state of

sustained pleasure. His body ached for release.

Release that Syd denied him time and again.

"I'm gonna do something," Syd said

suddenly. "Tell me you don't like it and I'll stop."

"All right," Cole gasped. He allowed Syd to

spread his legs farther apart and waited for

whatever it was he was going to do. Then he felt

it… Syd's tongue teasing around his entrance. He

swallowed back a yelp of delight for fear of

waking Kaity or his parents and pushed his hips

up. He inhaled deeply when Syd slowly insinuated

a finger inside of him. "Jesus! What the fuck? You

could have given me some warning."

"And miss that reaction? Never," cooed Syd.

He crooked the digit and began stroking around

gently until Cole gripped the blanket and curled his

hips up from the floor. "Mmm, you like that, huh?"

Syd purred.

Cole could only nod in reply. And with that

simple gesture, he decided to just let go and enjoy

Syd and the moment they were sharing. He made

conscious attempts to relax himself fully and go

with everything he was feeling, with every

sensation Syd evoked. He wanted to immerse

himself fully into this.

Grinning, Syd once again took Cole's cock

into his mouth.

Cole huffed and puffed the harder Syd

sucked. He began thrusting his hips up to Syd's

face. He reached down and pulled on Syd's hair as

his body began shaking with the strength of his

orgasm. He bit his lip to keep from yelling how

incredible he felt.

Every muscle in his body was singing by the

time Syd pulled off of him. He smiled like a fool

as he relaxed and breathed deeply.

Syd scooted up and stroked Cole's cheek

tenderly. "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm floating," Cole answered honestly.

"Will you do something for me?"

"I'll do anything you ask me to," Syd replied.

"What do you want?"

"Sleep with me tonight?"

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I don't want to make love, not tonight

at least. I just want you to hold me. I want to know

that even if this is all a big dream that maybe I'll

get to wake up to your face in the morning."

Syd hummed contentedly. "I have waited so

long for this. I should be the one worried that this

is a dream and that I'm going to wake up much too

soon." He kissed Cole and swallowed hard when

Cole reached out and cupped his crotch. "What're

you doing?"

"I-I thought…" Cole trailed off as Syd

covered his hand with his own.

"You don't have to do anything you don't

want or aren't ready for. I don't want you to feel as

though you are obligated to do anything, Cole."

"But what if I want to?" Cole replied with a

wink.

"Then I'm not going to stop you."

Cole turned onto his side and gingerly

slipped his hand into Syd's pajama pants. He

exhaled deeply as he wrapped his fingers around

his erection. Though he knew what his own cock

felt like in his hand, touching another man was

something foreign and a bit exciting to him. His

initial strokes were hesitant, but as Syd moaned

and closed his eyes, Cole grew more confident. He

twisted his wrist and swiped his thumb over the

head of Syd's cock, delighting in the sounds the

actions elicited.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Syd said between gritted

teeth.

"What? Did I do something wrong?" Cole

asked, confusion showing on his face.

Syd shook his head adamantly. "No… I just

don't want this to be over so… quick," he groaned

as he came. He covered his eyes with one arm and

lay quietly as Cole took his hand from his pajama

pants.

For long moments, the two remained silent.

Questions ran through Cole's mind. Would his

parents be okay with him and Syd? What if they

weren't? What would he do? What if Kaity changes

her mind? How could he tell Syd they would have

to be content with just being friends? He closed his

eyes and slowly sat up, not wanting his insecurities

to mar what had been a beautiful moment.

Syd sat and started to get up. "You look

troubled," he said as he caressed Cole's cheek.

"No. Just enjoying how I'm feeling," Cole

lied. He wasn't ready to unload all of his thoughts

on Syd, especially not after they had shared

something very special. All of that could wait for

later.

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

Cole raised an eyebrow and he turned his

attention from Syd to the two glasses on the coffee
table and back. "No. Not quite yet. I think I should
put on my pants first. Then, we should finish our
wine and then go to bed." He grabbed his glass
and drank deeply of the ruby colored liquid.

Chapter Eleven

Kaity opened her father's bedroom door and

peered in at the two men cuddled up together on

the bed, sleeping peacefully. She glanced down

briefly when Kerouac padded to her side and

regarded her before plopping his behind on the

hardwood floor.

"What do you think, Kerry? Should we go

wake them up?" she whispered. She giggled when

the dog stood on his hind legs and rested his front

paws on her leg. "I think so too." Opening the door

wider, she ran in and jumped on the bed,

effectively making Cole and Syd split from their

embrace.

Cole rubbed at his eyes as Kerouac

clambered onto the bed.

Kaity watched as the dog climbed up and

rested his head on Syd's chest.

"Heck of a way to wake us up, Kaity," Cole

said with amusement lacing his voice.

"Morning, Daddy," she said brightly as she

leaned over and kissed him gently. Sitting back she

looked at Syd as he sat up. "Morning, Syd." She

crawled over and wrapped her arms around his

neck in a tight hug.

"Morning, little lady."

"Why are you sleepin' in here?" she asked as

she cocked her head in curiosity.

Syd glanced at Cole then back to Kaity.

"Well, your dad's bed is more comfortable than the

one in my room, so I thought I would sneak in here

last night."

She giggled. "Did he scare you, Daddy?"

"Yeah, he did. I almost kicked him out of the

room, but you know what he did?"

Kaity shook her head.

"He gave me the sad puppy face. You know

how I can't say no to that face."

"Oh, I know."

"Oh, you do, do you?" Cole began tickling

her and she screamed.

Once Cole stopped his assault, Kaity took a

deep breath. "Syd, will you do my hair, please?"

Syd stretched his arms high over his head.

"Yup. You go get dressed and I'll comb your hair

for you," he replied as he lowered his arms.

Kaity smiled, jumped off the bed, and ran

from the room.

* * * *

Cole watched Kaity as she disappeared

from the room. "I'm beginning to think she prefers

you to me," he said with a grin.

Syd leaned over and kissed him. "There's no

way Kaity prefers me to you… there's no way

anyone can prefer me to you."

Rolling his eyes, Cole threw back the covers

and got up. "I think you're biased as well."

Syd shrugged and followed Cole out of the

bed. "Possibly, but so what if I am?" He grinned

and left the room.

* * * *

Baking cookies on Christmas Eve was

something Cole's family did ever since he was a

child. It was a tradition they kept alive even after

Kaity was born, teaching her how to make the

recipe that had been passed down through the

family. At first her job was to help her

grandmother cut out the cookies with the plastic

cutters, but this year, she helped with the

measuring and the mixing as well.

"You all are coming with me to midnight

mass, right?" Cole's mother asked as she studied

everyone in the room.

"Yes," came the reply in unison, some less

enthused than others.

"Good. I would hate to think that you all

would be doing something other than celebrating

the birth of Jesus on such a holy night."

Cole stopped rolling out the cookie dough as

Kaity took her place atop the small step-stool next

to the counter. "You ready for the most important

part?" he asked.

"Yeah! Gramma, can I use the snowflake

cookie cutters?" she asked.

"Of course you can, Kaity Kat."

Kaity smiled as her grandmother set the four

cookie cutters in front of her. Quickly she grabbed

them and pushed the shapes into the dough.

Cole removed the cookies and set them on

the baking sheet next to him. He frowned when he

caught sight of Syd sitting at the table reading the

newspaper. "Is there a reason you're not helping us

here, Syd?" he asked while he continued the task at

hand.

Syd sipped his coffee and shook his head.

"Nope. Just enjoying my coffee."

Cole grabbed an apron from a hook on the

wall and threw it at Syd. Everyone, except Syd,

laughed when the material came to rest on Syd's

head.

Syd pulled the apron from his head and

stood up. "That wasn't even remotely cool, Cole."

He put the apron on and joined Cole and Kaity in

getting the cookies ready for the oven.

* * * *

Cole knelt in front of Kaity, making sure the

buckles on her black patent-leather Mary Janes

were secure. He smoothed out the red velvet dress

she wore as he stood.

She inspected herself then glanced up at

Cole. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?" he replied as he

smoothed his dress slacks.

"Am I going to miss Santa coming tonight?"

Cole took her hand in his. "Nope. Santa will

know that you're at church. He'll come by after we

get back and you're asleep." His heart warmed

when she laughed and pulled him out of the room.

"Where are we going?"

"I want you to fix my hair. Will you,

please?"

"Of course."

They walked into the bathroom and Kaity

positioned herself in front of the mirror while Cole

grabbed the hairbrush. He gently ran it through her

black hair as Syd stood in the doorway.

"Wow. You look beautiful, little lady," he

said as he stepped into the room and sat on the

toilet.

Cole set the hairbrush on the counter and

picked up one of two barrettes sitting on the

counter. He clipped it into Kaity's hair and

followed with the other. He beamed as he

straightened her bangs. "Absolutely beautiful." He

bent down and kissed her cheek.

"We need to get going!" his mother yelled.

All three hurried downstairs.

* * * *

For Cole, midnight mass was a time to

quietly reflect on what he had done during the past

year. While he figured everyone else was there to

hear the story of baby Jesus and celebrate the

meaning of the holiday, Cole gazed at the people

occupying every pew in the small church. He

smiled when he saw how intently his family was

listening to the service. He studied the religious

icons surrounding him and bowed his head to say a

silent prayer.

God, I know you can hear me up there. I

know I should be listening to the priest, but I
think it's more important that I pray. I have been
so unhappy for so long. I want to be happy again.
It's been three years since Kelsi was taken from
me and I have waited for someone to come along
and fill the void left by her passing. I think I
found him. I hope I found him. If you could give
me a sign that he is the one… no, I don't want to
be presumptuous and ask for something like that.
I'll just put my faith in you that whatever
happens is what's supposed to be. Amen.

He slowly raised his head and regarded

Syd. He grinned when his gaze met Syd's and Syd

placed his hand on his. Lacing their fingers

together, Cole turned his attention to the priest at

the pulpit, content that what had just happened

between him and Syd was the sign he had wanted,

but not really asked for.

Chapter Twelve

Everyone else was asleep when Cole

walked downstairs. He smiled as he saw Syd

standing beside the door with his coat already in

hand. He made his way over and took the garment,

slipping it on. After zipping it up, they headed out

into the cold night to retrieve the dream house from

the garage.

"You're really gonna make me help you put

this thing together?" Syd asked as Cole opened the

side door of the garage.

Cole cocked an eyebrow and stepped into

the structure. "Are we really going to discuss this

again?"

"Fine. Tell me again why we're going to put

this thing together in the house?"

"Do you want to do it out here and freeze?"

"Not really, but what if she comes

downstairs and sees us?"

Cole shrugged. "It's a chance we'll have to

take so we can be warm. Besides, we could tell

her that Santa left it and asked us to put it together

for him so he could finish his trip around the

world."

"And you think she'll believe that?" Syd

raised an eyebrow.

"She's five. I would like to think that she

would. I don't want to believe that someone has

killed her belief in Santa yet and I certainly don't

want to be the one who does."

"Have you ever done something like this

before?" Syd asked as they walked over to the

large box.

Cole shook his head. "Nope, but how hard

can it be to follow directions?"

"We're men. We don't need no stinking

directions," Syd replied with a laugh. "You're sure

this thing will fit in your car to get it home?"

"It folds up, so trust me, it won't be a

problem."

"Promise me that next year we aren't getting

something like this for her again." He grabbed one

end of the box while Cole took hold of the other.

"You plan on being around next year?"

"I'm sorry. Am I being presumptuous in

assuming that I will be around next year?"

Cole could see the worry on the other man's

face. "No, not at all. I would love it very much if

you decide you want to stick around."

The two men smiled as they made their way

out of the garage and to the house.

"I plan to be around for a long time, if you'll

have me."

At that moment Cole wasn't sure how he felt

about what Syd said. He didn't give it too much

thought. He was more concerned about getting

Kaity's present put together.

Once inside, they set the box down and

stared at each other.

"I wouldn't want things any other way," Cole

replied as he felt his face flushing and fear

creeping through his body. He swallowed hard and

went to the entryway. "I'm… gonna go get a

screwdriver. Can you start a fire, please?"

"Sure," Syd replied.

Cole hurried into the kitchen and pulled

open a drawer. He stopped for a moment and took

a deep breath when the enormity of their

conversation hit him. His heart beat rapidly and his

stomach twisted into a thousand knots. A few days

previous he'd been sad and lonely, now he had a

beautiful man wanting nothing more than to love

him and he was scared. Although he felt he was

ready to be with someone again, he wasn't so sure

he or his heart could stand it if something were to

happen to Syd. He wasn't so certain anymore that

he was ready to give his whole heart to someone

else and he knew that would eventually present a

problem.

* * * *

They spent three hours attempting to get the

large pink, plastic house set up. They went through

every building failure one could think of, from the

walls falling off and the roof coming apart, all the

way to the entire thing collapsing as though it had

been in a major earthquake. Eventually, the house

was finished and Cole and Syd stood back to

admire their work.

"We should clean all this up, yeah?" Syd

asked as he surveyed the mess they had made.

"Yeah. I think it might help with the illusion

of Santa making the toys at his workshop and

bringing them here, don't you?"

Syd flipped him off and began grabbing the

packing materials and tossing them into the box.

"So, can I sleep with you again?" he asked quietly

as he grabbed a few plastic bags from in front of

the fireplace.

Cole

feigned

though

was

contemplating the request. "Yeah, but only if you

do something for me first."

Syd raised an eyebrow as he stuffed the

trash he held into the box. "And what's that?"

"Drink the milk and eat the cookies. I don't

really want to."

Syd chuckled as he walked to the table. He

quickly drank the milk and ate a couple of the

cookies. He took bites out of the others still on the

small plate.

"I'll be back in a minute," Cole said as he

grabbed his coat and put it on.

"Where are you going?" Syd asked with his

mouth full.

"To put this fucking box in the garage."

Syd swallowed. "Want some company?"

"Not really," Cole answered with a chuckle

as he grabbed the box and headed out of the house,

gasping when he was hit with a gust of cold air. He

rushed across the yard to the garage as the cold bit

into his face. Once inside, Cole glanced around for

some place to stash the box until he could dispose

of it properly in the morning. With some effort, he

folded the cardboard and laid it behind the trash

cans, making sure Kaity wouldn't see if she

ventured out to the garage.

* * * *

Cole slid into the warmth of his bed,

enjoying the quiet of the room as he pulled the

blankets up to his chin. He turned onto his side and

closed his eyes, letting sleep take him quickly. He

hovered near sleep peacefully until he felt Syd

spooning him. He shuddered when Syd kissed the

back of his neck. "What took you so long to come

to bed?" he mumbled.

"I was putting a few more things under the

tree."

Cole released his hand and turned over to

face him. "What did you get me?"

"You really think I'm gonna tell you just like

that?" Amusement laced Syd's voice.

"Well, no, but maybe give me a hint?"

Syd snorted. "Nope. You have to wait until

morning to find out."

"Well, technically…"

"Don't try that technically shit with me,

Cole. It's not gonna work. You just have to wait."

Cole sighed in frustration.

"Even in the dark I know you're pouting.

Stop it. It's not gonna work."

Cole moved to roll over, but Syd grabbed

him and held him. He panted and parted his lips as

Syd went in for a kiss then gripped Syd's arms as

they moved their tongues back and forth from one

mouth to the other. Gasping softly when Syd

nudged him onto his back, Cole moaned as Syd

slowly slipped his hand into his pajama pants. His

heart raced as Syd began to nibble on his earlobe

then flick his tongue over the heated skin of his

neck.

Cole was rendered motionless when Syd

wrapped his fingers around his cock and lazily

stroked him until he was stiff. He grew hungry for

Syd's mouth and the blood raced within his veins.

"I-I… want you," he moaned. The statement

surprised him and seemed to surprise Syd as well.

Abruptly Syd took his hand from Cole's

pants and rested his head on Cole's chest. "Cole…

maybe we should take this slow."

"Slow? Last night you had my dick in your

mouth and now you wanna slow things down?"

Syd looked up. "Cole," he began as Cole sat

up and turned his back to him. "I want nothing

more than to make love to you right now."

"Then why are you rejecting me?"

"I'm not rejecting you. I want the first time

you and I make love to be the most wonderful

moment. I want it to be when we're alone and I can

hear you screaming out my name at the top of your

lungs. Not in a house full of people. I've waited so

long to be able to make this commitment to you,

and I don't want to spoil it. Anticipation is the best

part about building a relationship. Just… give it—

me—give me some time. Please?"

"All right," Cole whispered. He laid beside

Syd once more, enjoying Syd's embrace again.

"Will you do something for me, please?"

"I'll do anything you want." Syd tightened his

hold on Cole.

"Tell me what you got me for Christmas."

Syd chuckled. "Okay, I'll do anything except

that."

"Dammit. I thought I had you there."

"Think again."

Cole smiled and exhaled deeply as he

closed his eyes.

Chapter Thirteen

"Daddy! Daddy! Wake up!" Kaity yelled.

Cole and Syd groaned at the interruption to

their sleep when Kaity jumped on the bed.

"Is the house on fire?" Cole asked as he sat

up and rubbed his eyes.

Kaity giggled. "No! Santa came!"

Cole turned and regarded Syd who had

pulled the covers over his head. He snatched the

material away. "If I have to wake up this way, so

do you. Get up," he said lowly.

"Come on, Daddy. Everyone is already

downstairs. Even Kerry is down there."

Cole laid down again and began snuggling

down beneath the blankets.

"Daaaaaaddy. Come on," Kaity whined as

she grabbed Cole's hand, tugging on him.

"All right. All right. C'mon, Syd." Cole sat

up as Kaity climbed down from the bed. She ran to

the doorway and bounced excitedly from one foot

to the other as he stood and turned to Syd who had

once more covered his head. Narrowing his eyes,

he grabbed the blankets and ripped them from the

bed, tossing them onto the floor.

"What the fu… dge, Cole?" he asked,

catching himself from cussing in front of Kaity.

Cole stretched. "We have to go downstairs

and open presents. Get up, please?" He grabbed

his robe and slipped it on. Taking Kaity's hand,

they walked from the room and down to the living

room.

"Where's Syd?" Cole's father asked.

"He'll be down in a minute." He looked

down at Kaity when she pulled on his hand,

leading him to the pink doll mansion standing next

to the tree. "Wow… see, didn't I tell you if you

wrote to Santa and told him you wanted one of

these, he'd bring it to you?"

Kaity let go of his hand and sat in front of

the house, inspecting all the little toys in it.

Syd walked downstairs carrying a small

wrapped box. He sat on the couch and placed it on

the coffee table in front of him.

"Okay, Syd's here. Can we open the presents

now?" Kaity asked anxiously.

"Yes," her grandmother said.

Cole sat beside Syd and studied the box on

the table. "Is that for me?"

"Yeah, but open it last, okay?" Syd replied.

Cole nodded and took a gift his mother

passed to him.

* * * *

Cole and Syd watched as Kaity sat, amongst

a sea of torn wrapping paper, ribbon and bows of

every color, playing with her new Barbies in the

dream house. His mother had gone to the kitchen to

make breakfast and his father had, no doubt,

retreated to the den to read the paper. Cole smiled

to himself remembering when he was a kid how

playing with the new toys he'd gotten for Christmas

was the ultimate high. He realized that when it

came to kids, some things never changed. Cole

turned his attention from Kaity to Syd as he

grabbed the box from the coffee table and handed

it to him.

"It isn't much, but I thought you might like it,"

Syd said.

Cole lifted the lid and peered at the cream-

colored envelope inside.

"If you want to read it in private, I'll

understand," Syd said softly.

Cole turned to him. "Are you telling me bad

news with it?" He gave Syd a fearful look as he

placed a hand on his thigh.

"No, not at all. Just read it."

Cole took the letter from the box and turned

it in his hands. He opened it and pulled a sheet of

matching paper out. His fingers trembled as he

unfolded it and began to read.

Dearest Cole,

When I went shopping to try and find

something I thought you might like, I kept coming

up empty-handed. The truth is, there is no gift

that I could give you that would ever compare to

the one you have given me.

After all these years, you gave me your

heart and there is nothing I could ever give to

compare to that, not even my own heart. I can

never, and will never, be able to express to you

how honored you have made me with the gift you

have bestowed.

You will always have my heart and my

love…

Syd

Cole sniffled as he glanced at Syd. He

smiled when Syd leaned closer to him.

"I love you, Cole," he murmured as Cole

wrapped his arms around him and rested his head

on his shoulder.

Cole wiped a tear from his eye. His heart

felt full to bursting at hearing those three words.

They meant so much more than any material item

Syd could have given to him, and he knew that

when Syd expressed his feelings, they were

genuine. And he could say he felt the same way.

"I love you too. Merry Christmas."

Syd looked pleased. "Merry Christmas."

Kaity beamed when she turned and saw Syd

and her father embracing. She turned her gaze to

the ceiling and smiled. "Thank you, Santa."

About the Author

Piper Whitney lives in California with her son,

fiancé, and a horde of pets. When not running after

a cat for clawing furniture, she's at her laptop

slaving away on yet another love story.

Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/PFWhitney

Twitter:

@PiperWhitney

Blog:

http://internalmadnessofpfwhitney.wordpress.com/

Email:

Piper.finn.whitney@gmail.com

Also by P.F. Whitney:

Available from

Silver Publishing

On Angels Wings

Fractured Heart

Available from

Total-E-Bound

Assassin's Heart

Document Outline

Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Note from the Publisher
Dedication
Trademarks Acknowledgement
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
About the Author
Also by P.F. Whitney

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