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Circle of Change

Laney Cairo

This is dedicated to all the gender warriors I have known.

Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I would like to thank Lady Brigid and Lady Erinys, my two former
High Priestesses, and Phoenix, my Man in Black. Blessed Be.

Thanks are also due to my first readers, who have given me continuous feedback through
the writing process. In particular I’d like to thank Fiona Celeste for the corrections, and
for showing me the joy of semicolons.


Glossary
First degree. The first level of initiation a witch experiences, the level at which he or she
participates fully in the coven.

Second degree. The second level of initiation, when a witch begins to train for the role of
coven leader.

Third degree. The final level of initiation, when a witch is ready to lead a coven.

Out of Court. A preliminary set of eight lectures to introduce a newcomer to witchcraft,
and prepare them for their first degree initiation.

Athame. A small black-handled knife that a witch uses for casting a magical circle,
amongst other things. An athame is preferably blunt, to reduce the risk of accidental nicks
when a group works in a confined space.

Cords. The three cords that signify the three levels of initiation (first: white; second: red;
third: black).

Skyclad. The practice of worshipping naked.

The Charge. A reasonably standardized set of words used during the process of drawing
down.

Drawing Down. The central act of worship for witches. A coven member acts as a vessel
for the God or Goddess, so that the others may worship the deity.

Five-fold kiss. The act of devotion for witches. The coven member who has drawn down
the God or Goddess is kissed on the feet, the knees, the belly, the breasts or chest, and the
lips.

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Maiden. The Maiden is the High Priestess’s second-in-charge, and does much of the
organisation of the coven. A coven will often have a High Priest and/or a Man-in-Black,
to handle the pyrotechnics, transport and music.

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Chapter 1

The kid behind Kim bumped him as he pushed past, making Kim knock his knees against
the desk in front.

"So sorry, queer," the jock said. "Next time, get out of the fuckin’ way."

This was what school was like: calculus and isolation and gut-wrenching fear. Was he
about to become a victim of high-school violence? Kim straightened his shoulders and
said, "Fuck off."

The next kid nudged Kim in the back. "You fuck off to homo club, you fucking fairy."

Kim could feel the teacher’s gaze on the three of them, and he wasn’t sure if it was a
good thing or not; there was no guarantee the teacher wouldn’t decide she hated queers
too; and metal detectors wouldn’t stop a ceramic knife.

"Be glad I’m gay," Kim said in a low voice to the second kid. "Because otherwise I’d be
fucking your girlfriend."

There was venom in the stare the kid gave Kim, and Kim grabbed his books and pushed
his way through the crowd at the classroom door, trying to get away before someone else
decided to join in.

It was true, too. Once the girls had realized the smooth-faced pretty boy with the crew cut
and the neatly-pressed clothes was gay, they’d adopted him, taking him to the mall on
shopping expeditions and trying to get him to talk about his love life. Initially, Kim had
been glad of the acceptance and friendship, but he had come to realize that having to
listen to four female seniors agonizing over eyebrow-plucking was possibly not worth it.
Then there had been the terrifying moment when two of the girls had tried to feel him up.
Kim was sure he could have slept with both of them if he’d wanted to; if the whole
experience hadn’t horrified him.

Allie, a baby-dyke senior, was waiting outside the classroom for Kim, and he smiled at
her, profoundly relieved to see a friendly face.

"’S okay if I walk to CLAG with you?" Allie asked him, and they began to elbow their
way down the hall.

"Sure," Kim said. "That’d be cool."

CLAG was the Coalition of Lesbians and Gays, a student club. Though stupidly named, it
was another one of the things that had made Kim think that changing to Vernon High
would be a good idea. At least the school acknowledged it had queer students, and gave
them a space to meet once a week, along with an occasional excursion. One hour a week

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didn’t really make up for the seething hatred that surrounded him the rest of the time,
though.

And there were Rules, lots of them. It was hard not to suspect that the rules were there to
stop the kids from really doing anything to confront the homophobia in the school.
Confidentiality was one thing, but it was forbidden to ever talk about anything outside of
the club, or even to let on that you knew someone was a member. Kim knew enough
union politics through his step-dad to be suspicious of not being allowed to organize in
any meaningful way. Then, you weren’t allowed to miss more than three meetings in a
row. So, it was secret, and it was compulsory.

Allie pushed open the door of the classroom allocated to the club, and Kim found himself
cheering up anyway: something about knowing that today he could eat his sandwich
safely, that he could chat with Allie and some other gay kids.

It was senior year, Kim told himself. It was nearly over. This time next year, he would be
in college, and college would be completely different. No secret club meetings, no
isolation, no hatred. It would all be better.

***

Helen was sitting on her couch, surrounded by unfolded clean clothing when Marie
knocked on her door. Helen ruffled a hand across her disheveled mop of hair, put down
her cooling coffee and picked her way across the carpet littered with toys to let Marie in.

"Hello, love," she said. "Hadn’t expected to see you. You’ve managed to beat the kids
home from school."

She watched Marie go across to the high shelf where Helen had flowers and unlit incense
and a Sekhmet statue. Then Melissa squawked from another room and Helen said, "Help
yourself to coffee, there’s a fresh pot," before going to pick the baby up.

When Helen came back carrying the baby in a clean diaper, Marie had lit candles on
Helen’s altar, cleared an armchair for herself, and was holding a mug of coffee. Donel,
Helen’s orange tabby, was sitting on the arm of Marie’s chair, head-butting her shoulder
while she scratched his back.

Helen sat down among the clean washing, lifted the front of her T-shirt up, and offered a
breast to Melissa. "Something special happen?"

"It’s just a good day," Marie said. "Minor successes in the face of impending doom at
work, that sort of thing." Helen knew that Marie was still grieving her husband, and that a
good day was worth giving thanks for.

Melissa pulled away from the nipple to peek at Marie, and Helen tucked her breast away
and put Melissa down on the floor between them. Marie poked at Melissa with one

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elegantly clad foot, then bent down and picked her up. "How’s my little Martian?" she
said affectionately, sitting Melissa on her knee.

Melissa gurgled back contentedly at Marie, and Helen said, "Can you keep an eye on her?
I’d better go make sandwiches before the rampaging hordes arrive home."

Marie stood in the doorway, Melissa on her hip and playing happily with her bracelets,
while Helen slathered bread with peanut butter and added raisins to the sandwiches.
"How’s Kim?" Marie asked.

Helen paused to shrug. "Life is really hard for him. Changing schools for senior year
made some things easier, but he’s still dealing with being gay in a hostile world. I worry
about him."

"He’s still seeing the therapist?"

Helen nodded. "Yeah, and he can keep on doing that for as long as his no-good father
keeps Kim on his health insurance policy. We’d be lost without that; I could never afford
a therapist for Kim."

There was a crash from the side of the house and the back door burst open, and Helen
repeated, "I worry about him."

A small girl tumbled into the kitchen, trailing braids, and Helen hugged her as she took
sandwiches. "Hey, Bettany, say hello to Aunty Marie."

Bettany hugged Marie and kissed Melissa, leaving smears of peanut butter behind her,
banging against chairs at random, and then moved the mayhem to the den, collapsing in
front of the TV, PlayStation controls in her hands. Helen called out, "Forty minutes
only," and turned the timer on the stove to forty.

Marie pulled the door to the den shut and said, "So, Full Moon ritual here?"

The back door thudded again, this time more quietly, and Kim tossed his bag under the
kitchen table. "Hello, Aunty Marie," he said, kissing Marie on the cheek. "Hello,
Martian."

Melissa gurgled happily, and Kim kissed Helen on the cheek, too. She handed him a
sandwich and said, "Are you okay to sit for Full Moon this month?"

Kim nodded, swallowed a mouthful of sandwich. "Sure. Not like I’m likely to be going
out, is it?"

Helen looked ruefully back at him. "If you get a date, I’ll get someone else to sit for me,
okay?"

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"As if." Kim rolled his eyes. "I’ll be fine." Marie and Helen exchanged glances, and Kim
said, "You can stop looking at each other like that. Good to see you, Aunty Marie." He
picked up his backpack and pushed the door to the den open, letting in a wave of inane
electronic music from the PlayStation.

Marie held Melissa out to Helen. "I’ll leave you to your kids."

Taking the baby, Helen kissed Marie’s cheek. "Yes, the Martian and I need to get dinner
cooking, or it’ll all end in tears."

Then Marie was gone, and Helen slid Melissa into her high chair and handed her a piece
of peeled apple to suck on while Helen peeled potatoes.


***

Late-afternoon sunshine filtered through the airborne dust, and the room had the
pervasive college odor of patchouli and sweat. Somewhere in the lecture room a laptop’s
hard drive was grinding ominously. The girl with pimples beside Dash nodded when
Professor Claude finished answering her question on textual intentions. It was mildly
amusing to catch Professor Claude glancing at the clock on his desk and suppressing a
yawn.

"That’s the tutorial for today. Remember, I want one-paragraph summaries in Middle
English in my inbox tomorrow, just to prove you’re all reading the text in the original."

There was quiet groaning from the room, which Dash resisted the urge to join. Middle
English sounded like German spoken backwards, and read like cement drying. His goal
was to pass the unit without his brain exploding; learning anything would be a bonus.

Dash hovered at the front of the tutor's desk, while his classmates filed out behind him,
until Professor Claude looked up at him.

Professor Claude hesitated, presumably trying to find a name. "Mr. Vishnavee-Arnold."

Dash nodded. "Professor Claude, um, everyone calls me Dash. The whole double-
barreled name thing is a little unwieldy."

Professor Claude nodded. "Dash, if you’re chasing your marks for the last essay, I’ve not
finished grading everyone. I can assure you that you did very well."

Dash tried not to look too pleased. "It’s not that. May I talk to you privately?"

"Sure. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll see you in my office."

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Dash waited outside Professor Claude's office, watching the academic and administrative
staff of the faculty bustle past, until Professor Claude appeared, mug of coffee in one
hand, stack of grading under the other arm.

"Hold my coffee," Professor Claude said, handing Dash his mug, giving himself a free
hand to dig through his pockets for his keys.

He unlocked his door, and then took his coffee back. "Come in, Dash."

The office was tiny, a cubicle holding a rickety table and two chairs. Crowded
bookshelves clung to the walls, and a pane of glass near the ceiling was the only source
of natural light.

Dash sat carefully in chair obviously intended for students, and tried to stop himself from
fidgeting by crossing his hands over his backpack on his lap. He was used to people
staring at him -- it was the eyeliner and mascara that did it -- but Professor Claude just
smiled reassuringly.

"How can I help you?" Professor Claude asked.

"It’s got nothing to do with class work, but... you wear a pentagram," Dash said.

Professor Claude lifted up the silver disk that hung on a chain around his neck, from
under his shirt.

"Are you a witch?" Dash asked, and his words began to tumble out. "Because I really
need to find a witch to talk to, and I didn’t know how to go about finding one, and it’s
really difficult to just walk up to people and ask--"

"It’s okay, Dash," Professor Claude cut in. "I’m a witch. What is it you need to talk
about?"

Dash looked around the office, at the posters from the Book of Kells above the
bookcases, and then said, "I’ve been doing Out Of Court with a coven in Buena Park. I
found out what their rules were going to be for being initiated, and I don’t think I’m
going to happy accepting them. I just want to know whether all covens have these rules."

Professor Claude leaned back in his chair. "All covens have rules, but they’re not always
the same. It depends how you feel about the rules. Abnegation is good for the soul, so
you are going to have to go without some things that are important to you. Which
particular rule did you have problems with? Or is it more general than that?"

Dash fidgeted with his pack a little more. "They said I won’t be able to wear any makeup
in the circle."

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Professor Claude looked like he was trying not to smile, and it made Dash regret
approaching him at all, despite not knowing who else to talk to. "Just for your initiation?
Or is that part of their circle rules?"

Dash said, "Always. It just made me think that maybe they might not have any issues if I
was female. I don’t want to join a coven that doesn’t support my right to do whatever I
want with my body; I don’t want to join a homophobic coven."

Professor Claude nodded. "I can understand you being concerned. Finding the right
coven is part of the journey, and you are quite right to be asking these questions before
you’re initiated. My own experience is that for initiations, you’ll be asked to remove
makeup: you are supposed to be truly naked before the Ancient Ones. For regular circle
work, the covens I know of do not bar makeup. Maybe for you, working without makeup
can be a sign of sacrifice and devotion."

Dash nodded. "What do I do now?" he asked.

"I guess you look for another coven, one that will accept you as you are. There are a lot
of restrictive and homophobic covens out there. You might need to ask them bluntly
about their attitudes toward gender roles, and your appearance."

Dash nodded. "What about the coven you belong to? How does it feel about gay people
and stuff like that?"

Professor Claude smiled. "I’ve never had any trouble in my coven, but I do know what
you mean."

Dash blinked in surprise. He'd never heard anywhere that Professor Claude was gay.
Maybe he had approached the right person, after all.

Professor Claude quirked a smile at Dash and continued. "The coven I went first-degree
with insisted that I had to work with a female partner when we paired up, despite much of
magic being based on sexual tension. It became more and more of an issue, and I left the
coven over it. Another coven member left at the same time because the High Priestess
didn’t believe that being celibate was a valid choice either. We both joined our current
coven, where the High Priestess believes that any lifestyle is valid, as long as it agrees
with the basic tenets of the Craft."

Dash nodded again, and Professor Claude said, "That’s your cue for telling me what they
are."

"Oh," said Dash. "Um, ‘If it harm none, do as you will.’ And..." Dash frowned a little in
thought, then said, "’If you do not find the Goddess, it is because you have not looked
inside yourself.’"

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Professor Claude smiled encouragingly. "Someone has explained to you that ‘If it harm
none’ includes any harm to yourself?"

Dash lifted his eyes. "Um, no. Should they have?"

"Sure. I believe that not harming ourselves is a broad-based directive to accept ourselves
fully, as the Lady made us all: imperfections and idiosyncrasies included. If part of who
you are includes the desire to wear kohl, then you need to find a coven that will accept
that part of you. If loving other men is part of who you are, you cannot worship with an
open heart if you are surrounded by people who believe you are wrong in that love. End
of lecture. You get to listen to me rant often enough already. Hopefully that has answered
your questions."

Dash said, "Um, thanks, it has. Has your coven got any spaces open? Or is it horribly
rude to ask?"

Professor Claude began to shake his head, and then paused. "Let me to talk to the coven."

Dash smiled widely. "Thank you so much, Professor."

"You will still need to tell the coven that you’re doing Out Of Court with that you want to
leave."

Dash stood up, sliding his pack over his shoulder. "Thank you, for everything."

Professor Claude patted the stack of papers on his table. "I'd rather deal with your Out of
Court issues than my grading, so you're very welcome."

***

Full Moon, November 25

th

Chloe looked around the circle with satisfaction. The magical ward of the circle was a
sparkling sphere in the night, arcing over her in the darkness. Donel purred in her lap, and
she stroked him. The sparkle and shimmer were all his fault; that was what cat flaps in a
ward looked like. If she didn’t cast her wards with the intent that Donel could pass freely
through them, the wards wound up with cat-sized holes punched in them.

At first, she had only cast cat flaps around the circle at ground level, until the time Donel
had climbed the tree over the circle and launched himself through it at head height. Now,
the circle was semi-permeable to cat over its entire surface.

All of their circles and wards looked different: Lady Selene’s were smooth and glossy;
Falcon’s were strong and dark, muting the moonlight and starlight; Arianrhod’s were
easier to feel than see, warm and safe and welcoming. But this was one of her own, for
this was her backyard.

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Lady Selene said, "Before we draw down, is there any circle business to discuss?"

Falcon raised his hand. "I had one of my students approach me, ask if I was a witch, then
seek my advice. He’s been doing Out Of Court with a coven in Buena Park, possibly
Tabitha’s, though he was tactful enough not to mention names, and has doubts about
whether he would fit into the coven. He’s gay, and has begun to suspect that the coven
would be quite a hostile place. He wanted to sound me out to see if all covens were the
same."

Lady Selene said, "If it was Tabitha, she’d be less than supportive; she’s not what you
would call broad-minded. Very straight-down-the-line heterosexual."

Falcon said, "I explained that all covens were different, and that he should seek another
coven if he felt he would not be truly accepted where he was. I wondered if we should
consider him for here."

There was silence. Not an uncomfortable silence at all, just quiet as they all reflected on
the question.

Lady Selene said, "Falcon? What’s your assessment of this man?"

"He is earnest about his wish to join a coven, but I think he has read too much and felt too
little," Falcon said. "I think he has potential as a coven member. But I must point out he
is a student of mine, so I’m probably crossing all sorts of professional boundaries."

It was Arianrhod who said, "When does he stop being your student? Are you worried
enough about these boundaries to want to turn him down for consideration because of
them?"

Falcon shook his head. "End of semester is not far off, but I’d rather cross that boundary
and deal with it, than run the risk of losing a potential coven member, in any case.
Besides, I’m sure UCLA’s Faculty Code of Conduct says nothing about practicing
witchcraft."

"Then Chloe and I will meet him, and see about bringing him into the circle for Yule so
we all can talk to him."

Falcon chuckled. "Perhaps not Yule; the UCLA charter of conduct does include clauses
about not running through the woods naked hunting your tutor in order to symbolically
sacrifice him."

"Next Full Moon then," Lady Selene said. "We can bring him into the circle even though
he’s not initiated. Now, if there’re no more matters for discussion, who is drawing down
tonight?"

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The full moon had slipped behind clouds when Chloe pulled her robe over her head and
stood naked with her back to the altar. It was cold, standing skyclad, and she ignored the
prickle of goose bumps on her flesh. The whole sky was silver with reflected light, even
over the orange glow of the city lights, and Chloe lifted her arms from her sides and held
them out. Someone pushed the play button on the CD player; Chloe let the drawing-down
music slip into her veins and closed her eyes. "Listen to the words of the Great Mother,"
she began, "who of old was called..."

The words came from her easily, engraved into her mind by years of rituals, and she felt
the Goddess fill her body. Her mind shrank so it occupied a tiny part of her experience,
just enough to keep the words flowing and to stop her from falling forward, and she
became a vessel for the Goddess.

There was nothing to compare with the surrender, neither sex nor meditation nor drugs;
no pleasure was so intense; and it was the only time apart from pregnancy that Chloe felt
anything but alone inside her skin. The shadows melted away, leaving everything bright
and terrible and clear, and her arms fell to her sides.

Lady Selene’s hands were cool and sharp on her flesh, as she gave the fivefold kiss, and
Chloe smiled at Lady Selene and kissed her lips and whispered, "Blessed be."



Back in the den, Helen sat on the couch, now devoid of clean washing, and fed Melissa
while Marie and Luci made coffee and Peter packed away the altar supplies. Melissa was
smiling beatifically around the nipple and Helen closed her eyes and let the others’
chatter wash over her.

Marie shook her shoulder gently, and said, "Go to bed; you’re asleep already. I’ll get Kim
to lock up as we leave; his light’s still on."

***

The Bruin coffee shop wasn’t crowded at mid-afternoon, and Helen patted Melissa’s
diaper-clad bottom to encourage her to stay asleep in her stroller. There was still a steady
stream of people through the coffee shop, most of them much younger than her, and
Helen found herself just a little nostalgic for her own years at UCLA. She wasn’t too far
out of place in jeans and her Sandman T-shirt, especially with her newly tufty hair,
compliments of Kim’s latest attempts with the dressmaking scissors, and she just hoped
that Peter’s student could pick her out of the crowd.

A serious-looking young man carrying an armful of books, coffee balanced precariously
on top of them, and with dark hair hanging in his eyes said, "Excuse me, are you Helen?"

She smiled up at him. "I am; you must be Dash. Sit down."

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He sat down and set his coffee and stack of books on the table. She flicked her eyes over
the titles. Tropes in Trollope caught her eye, as did the text on Chaucer. Of course, he had
to be doing something like liberal arts for Peter to have come into contact with him.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet me," he said, and she was touched by his nervousness.

"I’m happy to," Helen said. "Now, Peter has told me a little bit about you. Why don’t you
tell me what you’re looking for, and we’ll see if you might fit in with us."

"Um," Dash said, and Helen realized just exactly how young he was, probably only
nineteen. "I want to be a witch, and the coven I thought I’d found, well, they didn’t seem
to really accept who I was. They wanted me to hide things about myself."

Helen took in the soft gray smudges around his brown eyes. "And you have very wisely
decided that you wouldn’t really get the most out of that group?"

Dash nodded. "Yeah. I don’t want to have to pretend to be straight, not ever, not for
anyone. Is this potentially a problem with your group?"

Helen shook her head and laughed quietly, making Melissa stir. "No, not with us," she
said, patting Melissa again. "We don’t have every possible expression of human sexuality
represented among us, not even in the extended network of covens we belong to, but we
have quite a few. Assuming you joined us, you’d probably feel at home."

"I think I’m supposed to be asking informed questions about which path the coven
follows, and stuff like that, but my brain seems to have gone blank," Dash said a little
sheepishly.

"You are supposed to," Helen said. "We’re primarily Dianic -- Peter is currently the only
male in the group -- though we do practice God worship at times, too. One of the group is
a survivalist and owns a cabin and a couple of years’ worth of dry food, out at Lake
Arrowhead, and we go there a few times a year for rituals.

"Full Moons are compulsory; if you miss one, you need to have an excellent reason.
Sabbats are the same. Most covens will expect the same attendance, so that’s not unusual.
We work outdoors most of the time, unless it’s raining."

"Skyclad?" Dash asked.

"Sometimes. Lady Selene tends to make those decisions. If you really feel like you can’t
cope with being skyclad, if you talk to Lady Selene or myself privately, you’ll be
excused."

Helen sipped her coffee and wondered how to set Dash’s mind at ease. "There are some
matters of circle etiquette that we’ll delegate Peter to talk to you about," she eventually

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said. No young man needed a tubby woman who was old enough to be his mother, with
peanut butter on her T-shirt, talking to him in public about accidental erections.

He smiled a little nervously at her, and Helen decided she liked Dash. "Would you like to
meet Lady Selene?" she asked. "If I haven’t put you off us completely?"

Dash’s eyes lit up, and she decided he was really quite a lovely boy. "I’d be honored," he
said.

1

Chapter 2

When Dash found the address that Helen had given him the day before, there was a
rusting bicycle sprawled across the driveway, and a battered ancient Lincoln glowering
on the overgrown lawn. He picked his way around a pair of in-line skates and a collection
of dismembered action figures strewn across the porch to knock on the screen door.

The front door opened, and Dash found himself staring through the screen at an achingly
pretty boy. His eyes flickered downward. Crew cut, button-down shirt, neat chinos,
loafers. The boy had an Oxford fetish. And the softest blue eyes Dash had ever seen.

Dash was suddenly glad he’d put extra powder on in the car, or he’d be visibly turning
pink, just like the boy.

"You must be Dash; I’m Kim. Come on in."

The screen door clicked open, and Dash followed Kim into a den awash with toys, and
Kim waved his hand at easy chairs.

Dash sat down on a creaking couch, and Kim said, "Mom is just putting the Martian to
bed, and Marie isn’t here yet. Would you like some coffee while you wait?"

Dash must have looked confused because Kim stuck his hands into his pockets and said,
"The Martian is my baby sister, Melissa. It’s what we all call her. And Marie is Lady
Selene. Sorry, I forget other people don’t know these things."

Dash nodded. "Um, yeah. Coffee would be good. No sugar, thanks."

Kim nodded and disappeared through a door, and Dash could hear him telling someone to
be quiet.

A fat ginger tabby stalked into the den and sniffed Dash’s feet, then barged its way onto
his lap, where it proceeded to molt ginger fur over his black jeans.

"That’s Donel," Kim said when he came back. He handed a chipped coffee mug to Dash,
then removed yet another action figure from an easy chair and sat down too. "Mom said
you’re at UCLA, what are you studying?"

Dash patted Donel with his free hand. "Chaucer, The Victorian Novel, Greek Statehood,
and a Medieval History unit. I guess it sounds pretty dull, but I’m really interested in that
kind of stuff."

Kim shook his head. "No, sounds wonderful to someone who is stuck in high school. I’m
hoping to go to UCLA next year, assuming my dad can find the money for the fees. I’ve
just submitted my application. I want to do a science degree, med tech or biochem,
something like that."

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There was a knock at the front door, and Kim said, "That’s Marie," and went to answer it.

Dash put his coffee on the floor, lifted Donel off his lap, and stood up as Marie came into
the room.

Marie looked much more like Dash’s idea of a witch than Helen did. She had long, dyed-
blonde hair, and a precisely made-up face, and was draped in flowing, purple crushed
velvet: a far cry from Helen’s shiny face and out-of-control lopped-off dark hair.

Marie smiled at Dash. "Hello. Let me have a good look at you." She turned him around
so the light fell on his face.

Her scrutiny made him increasingly uncomfortable, but he held still and didn’t blink or
flinch, until she nodded and dropped her hands from his shoulders. There was a small
smile on her Cupid’s-bow lips, and she turned to take the cup of coffee that Kim held out
to her. "Thank you, angel," she said, and she sat down.

Kim disappeared into what Dash assumed was the kitchen, and Marie looked up and
smiled as Helen came into the den.

Helen kissed Marie on the cheek, sat down on an overstuffed chair cluttered with
children’s books. "Hello, Dash. You managed to survive first contact with my family, and
with Donel, I can see."

Dash sat back on the couch and rubbed ineffectually at the fur clumped onto his jeans.
Donel had clambered into Marie’s lap and was kneading contentedly at her dress with his
front paws.

"Yes," Dash said. "Your cat is very friendly."

"Donel is a monster," Marie said with an air of finality. "And we love the little fiend’s
black heart. Dash, we have some questions for you. Let’s start with the primary one: why
do you want to be a witch?"

Dash nodded; he’d been asked this by the other coven. "It feels like the whole world is
alive around me: the air and the sky, the ground, the rain and the sun. It’s all so close and
real, and I want to understand that, and be part of it, too."

"You are part of it, already," Helen said. "All Wicca can do is show you how to connect
more closely with the world. What sort of expectations do you have of the Craft?"

Dash looked blankly at Helen. "Expectations? I hadn’t thought of that. I think it will
make me learn things that I don’t even know exist." He looked from Helen to Marie,
trying to read their faces.

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Marie nodded. "There is no right answer to that question. The less you expect of the
Craft, the more you are likely to receive."

Helen nodded, too. "You will think you are struggling on to no avail, and the Goddess
will touch your life in the most surprising ways. Her lessons are hard, but to follow her
path is the greatest joy a person can reach."

"Do you have your cards handy?" Marie asked Helen, and Helen nodded, standing up and
leaving the room for a moment. She came back with a bundle of purple silk, knelt down
on a clear part of the floor and patted the rug for Dash to join her.

He sat down cross-legged and Helen unfolded the cloth and drew out a deck of black-
backed tarot cards marked with a pentagram. She shuffled them quickly, and then handed
them to Dash for him to shuffle too. In his hands, they didn’t feel like pieces of card, they
seemed huge and faintly furry, and he shuffled them together as best he could, and then
handed them back to Helen.

She laid them out rapidly in front of herself, six in a cross pattern and a column of four
beside them as she said, "This is what covers you, this is what crosses you, this is the
basis of the situation, this is the past. This is before you, this shows the negative aspects
of the situation, this is how others see you. This shows the positive aspects of the
situation, this is the outcome."

She tapped the two cards at the center of the cross. "The Fool, and the Ace of Cups.
Looking for enlightenment."

She tapped the bottom card. "The Emperor. A decision to seek knowledge." Her finger
moved. "And behind you, The Hanged Man. A need for direction."

Dash watched Helen’s finger move across the cards. She tapped the card closest to him
on the cross. "The Horned One, a beginning of faith, and before you is the Three of Cups,
gaining emotional control."

Dash watched her tap her way up the four cards in the column. "The Moon, an
acceptance of something that is hidden, something you will struggle with. The Sun,
others can see you seeking knowledge. Justice, a willingness to accept karmic burdens
without resentment. And, at the top, The Tower, an initiation card."

Helen looked up at Marie. "Clear enough?"

Marie laughed and said, "Helen’s sight with the cards is uncanny. With a clear reading
like that, and pending you meeting the rest of the members, I’d like to offer you a place in
the group, Dash. Full Moon this month is the twenty-sixth. We’ll take you into the Circle
then. Helen will lend you a robe, but you’ll have to make your own for your initiation.
How many Out Of Courts have you attended?"

1

Dash smiled widely. "Seven. And thank you both for giving me this chance."

Helen said, "You and I will spend a little time together over the next week; I’ll cover the
material in the eighth class, and give you an idea of what to expect at Full Moon, and
how to move in a Circle."

Dash nodded and he could feel he was still grinning. Helen and Marie felt so different
from Tabitha; there was real affection and welcome in their voices, as though they were
as pleased to find him as he had been to find them.

***

After he had left, Helen sank tiredly down onto the couch and Donel clambered onto her.
Marie smiled at her from the armchair. "Go on, tell me what else was in that reading. You
were holding something back."

Helen chuckled. "It was full of indicators for romance. I thought the poor man might be
absolutely horrified to be told he’s about to fall in love, and that it’s going to be really
difficult. The Ace of Cups and the Tower were clear: everything he believes about love is
all going to fall to pieces."

***


Kim stood in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom and looked hard at himself.
The whole preppy look worked well on his body. He was too slight and short to do
athletic or plaid, too dainty-boned to do leather. Tidy collars and V-necked sweaters were
the right look.

He undid the buttons of his shirt and took it off, and frowned. The white T-shirt
underneath the shirt hid most things. He unzipped his chinos and let them fall to his bare
feet, leaving him standing in Calvin Klein stretch boxers and T-shirt. Still acceptable. Off
came the T-shirt, revealing nipples too close together and too large. Boxers... Kim pulled
Boris, made of chamois and foam, out of his boxers, and rolled them down.

It hurt to look at himself like this, so broken and incomplete: smooth triangle of pubic
hair, hipbones jutting out, tiny breasts. Despair welled up, and longing, and Kim wrapped
his bathrobe around himself and sat on the bed to cry. If he could stay dressed forever, it
might just be possible to get through this, but showers were unbearable. He would have
to be a very grubby gay boy. And a celibate one.

Dammit, Kim had seen admiration in Dash’s eyes that evening, and attraction. Why did
he have to watch himself get undressed? If he’d done it in the dark, he might have
managed to hang on to the warmth he’d been feeling for a little longer.

1

There was no light under Helen’s door when Kim tapped on it; he pushed it open, and
Helen struggled blearily upright and flicked the bedside light on.

"What is it, love?" she said quietly, and Melissa stirred in her cot.

Kim crawled up the bed into his mother’s waiting arms.

She held him against her chest, and Kim could smell milk and sleep, and he hung on to
her tightly as she rocked him. "What is it, Kimmie?" she asked gently. "Can you tell me?"
Her hands were gentle on his hair, stroking the velvety new growth. "You promised me
you would always tell me what was wrong," she reminded him.

Kim nodded against her T-shirt. "Okay," he said; he pulled back and took the tissue she
offered him and blew his nose, then undid his robe and pulled it open. "This," he said.
"This is wrong." He looked down at his body. "Androgynous" was about the kindest
thing anyone could say about it. At least he didn’t have huge tits.

Plump arms enfolded him again, and Helen said, "Oh, love. Do you want to start
hormones?"

Kim blinked against his mother’s shoulders. "You’d let me?"

Helen stroked Kim’s face and lifted his chin so she could see him. "I’d be some sort of
callous brute to make you suffer like this. You know I’ve got doubts about them, but I
can’t leave you to go through this any longer."

Kim stared at his mom in surprise. She’d been vehemently against him taking anything
that would potentially damage his fertility, at least until he was an adult. This was a major
change. "Mom..." he began, and she hugged him again. "I wanted... I was going to ask if I
could have a proper prosthesis... to replace Boris."

"Of course you can, hon. You must have known I’d let you."

"It’s really expensive, Mom. Really, really expensive."

"I’ll manage, don’t you worry about that. How about you show me exactly what you
want, and I’ll order it as soon as I can." Helen patted Kim’s back. "Now. Show me now,
and then you might be able to get some sleep."

Kim watched his mom hide her dismay at the price list, then sat down on his bed and
picked up Boris. She’d bought him the material to make Boris, and had sat with him
while they worked out how to get the best look. She’d let him have the PC in his room,
too, so he could stay in touch with other FTM -- female to male -- men without Bett
climbing all over him. There were kids out there, guys he talked to online, who were
doing this without any support at all. Goddess knew how they were surviving; it was hard
enough for him.

2

***

Marie sipped her coffee and said, "No, I won’t lend you the money. I insist you let me
buy it for Kim."

Helen eased Melissa off the nipple and swapped her across to the other side. "It’s a lot of
money, Marie. Are you sure you can just spend that much?"

Marie lifted one foot, showing delicate ankle straps and tiny diamantes on black leather.
"See how much I spend on shoes? It’s only a couple of pairs of shoes to me. But you, it’s
several weeks’ food money for you. What were you planning on doing -- living on
lentils?"

"Um, yes," Helen said, laughing. "I was, actually."

Marie smiled at Helen. "Right, shall we order it now? I’ve got that much space on my
credit card."


Yule, December 21st

It was just plain cold in the woods, and there they all were, standing around in a circle
while Lady Selene waved a stick at Falcon, and Chloe had to struggle not to giggle. This
wasn’t sophisticated witchcraft, this was rough and ready and raw, and it was great fun.

The circle had been traced in the dirt by the toe of Chloe’s boot, and then summoned in
an instant. It only worked because of all the times they did everything absolutely right,
but it did work.

They were completely naked apart from boots and socks. No knives or cords this time. If
a stranger stumbled upon them running around the hillside, it would be better not to be
carrying a knife.

Not completely naked, in Falcon’s case. Perched on his head were a set of felt reindeer
horns. They made Chloe want to giggle, too.

But, the drawing-down of the Horned God was working; Chloe could tell by Falcon’s
impressive erection, a sure sign the God was there. It really was a good thing they hadn’t
brought Dash along; he wouldn’t have coped with this particular ritual for his first.

Falcon lowered his hands, and Lady Selene dropped to her knees to offer the fivefold
kiss. Chloe followed, carefully avoiding Falcon’s cock as she pressed a kiss to his belly
and said, "Blessed is your phallus, from which all life springs."

2

When they had all kissed Falcon, Lady Selene offered around a bottle of port, and Chloe
took a deep drink and handed it on. Falcon finished the bottle off, wiped his mouth with
his arm and secured his antlers on his head more firmly.

He was grinning now, laughing and rubbing his arms to try and keep himself warm. Lady
Selene scuffed out the circle mark on the ground and said, "Circle’s down. This is the
longest night of the year, the depths of winter. Every year, a deer is hunted and
slaughtered, that the sacrifice of its life may replenish the earth and bring back the sun.
Tonight, we hunt that deer." She added in her normal voice, "Remember, no injuries this
year."

Arianrhod nodded. "My ankle’s strapped this time."

Lady Selene said, "Falcon, you’ve got a minute’s head start."

He nodded and took off into the brush, hurtling through the long grass and crashing past
the bushes, trying to open up a decent lead.

Lady Selene was obviously counting in her head; Chloe exchanged glances with
Arianrhod, who pointed at Chloe, then down the slope further, and Chloe nodded. She
would take off that way in the hope of heading Falcon off. Arianrhod was to skirt higher
up, at the edge of the trees; she knew the terrain better than anyone, for this was her
property. And Lady Selene would be somewhere in the middle, running for all she was
worth.

Lady Selene said, "Go," and they charged off. Chloe angled across the slope, jogging. It
was too soon to run flat out; she’d be breathless in seconds if she did, and this way the
branches scratched less.

She could hear the others in the distance, the crackle of twigs, Lady Selene swearing in
that particularly vivid way she had. There was a flicker of movement ahead and Chloe
grabbed her breasts in both hands and ran. The twigs scratched at her and stung, pulling
at her hair and whipping around her legs, and she began to gasp for breath as she jumped
over rocks and dodged fallen logs. There was a flash of pale flesh to one side, and she
caught a glimpse of Lady Selene, also clutching her breasts, charging through the trees.

Up ahead, leaning against a tree with one hand, the other clutched to his side as he tried
to catch his breath, was Falcon. He was looking anxiously up the hill, toward where Lady
Selene was dashing toward him, and Chloe put on a sudden burst of speed and threw
herself at him, whooping and hollering with delight.

Falcon and Chloe went down in a tangle of limbs, and Chloe yelled out, "Mine! Mine!"
as she wrenched the antlers off his head. Lady Selene threw herself at the pair of them,
and Arianrhod was there within moments.

2

Chloe was laughing too hard, and was too short of breath, to do anything except cling to
Lady Selene when she pulled Chloe to her feet. Falcon stayed where he was on the dirt,
and said, "I’m dead. You’re all going to have to carry me back to the cabin."

Lady Selene drew herself up and put on her imperious High Priestess air, and said, "The
new year is reborn; life springs back into the body of the dead deer." She dropped her
voice back to normal and said, "Now, you’re reborn, so get up and walk."

***

Kim heard the hollering and yelling from down the hillside, and went back into the cabin
to put more wood on the fire. Of all the wacky things his mom did, this might just be the
most insane. He was glad he didn’t have any close friends, because trying to tell someone
that he had to go away overnight and look after the kids while his mother ran around the
hills naked to celebrate winter just sounded cracked.

Within minutes, the four crazy adults were huddled around the fire, wrapped in blankets,
shaking dew out of their hair, and comparing scratches and grazes. Kim couldn’t help
laughing at them as he handed around the mulled wine that had been left ready for him to
heat up. Kim took his own mug of mulled wine and leaned against the window. He could
smell waves of alcohol rising from the mug, so Goddess knew what Luci had put in the
wine, but it tasted good, very citrus and cinnamon.

Helen pulled on track pants and a sweatshirt and came over and slid her arms around
Kim’s waist. "Were the kids quiet?" she asked.

Kim nodded. "Yep, I only had to yell at Bett once, and the Martian hasn’t stirred. I heard
you lot though, yelling your heads off. You’re all fucking crazy."

Helen chuckled. "You can say that, but the seasons will turn because we keep on
worshiping. If it stayed winter forever because nobody performed the rituals, we’d all be
screwed."

Kim laughed, too. "See? You are crazy. Running around the woods naked has nothing to
do with the tilt of the earth’s axis."

"Ah, my son the scientist," Helen said warmly. "You should be glad I’m not some kind of
raving fundamentalist. How’d you feel about having a Bible-thumping mom?"

Kim shuddered dramatically.


***

2

The gender-reassignment physician, Dr. Eisen, was a scholarly-looking elderly man, who
smiled paternally at Kim and pushed his glasses up his nose to read through the referral
letter from Kim’s therapist.

"That all looks fine," he said. "Tell me again, how long have you been living as a male
for?"

Kim glanced at Helen, who nodded at him. "I told Mom a year ago. And I started being
Kim all the time at the end of the last school year, in July. I started at a new school in
September, and only the principal knows I’m not a boy."

"And you’ve been seeing Fiona, your therapist, for how long?"

"Since July," Kim said. "Is that long enough for me to have hormones now?"

The doctor nodded. "I follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, and you’ve certainly
met those criteria. I’m going to want to do some blood tests and check you over first, to
make sure you’re healthy. I rather suspect you’re full of information on the effects and
side effects of the therapy, but I’ll run through them, too.

"Firstly, I need to know if you have been taking any hormones at all. Have you bought
any off the street? Bought them online?"

Kim shook his head. "No, my own doctor gave me the oral contraceptive pill, and I take
it without the sugar pills so I don’t menstruate. That’s all."

"Good, that means the baseline blood tests will be valid. If you’d been buying T on the
street, I’d have to wait a couple of weeks to do the tests. I want you to stop taking the pill
now. You’re going to bleed, there’s no way around that; and I’m sorry. I’ll give you some
valium to help you get through it."

Kim glanced at his mom. Having his periods had been hell, and he really didn’t want to
go through that again.

Helen nodded at him. At least she understood.

"The androgens I give you will reduce your fertility and your periods should stop quite
quickly, perhaps in a month, but I can’t guarantee you won’t ovulate, so you will have to
use other contraception as well. You really don’t want to have a pregnancy now."

Kim went bright pink and said, "I don’t think that’s an issue."

Dr. Eisen laughed. "It will be when your libido goes crazy with the androgens."

Kim felt himself blushing even redder, and Helen leaned across and said, "Do you want
me to step outside, Kim?"

2

He shook his head. "No, stay; you were going to ask me these questions anyway."

Dr. Eisen laughed again. "Your mom needs to hear this. She’s going to have to live with
your mood swings. Androgens have a reputation for making people aggressive and
hostile. That isn’t supported by research. For most FTM males, the relief at the easing of
the gender dysphoria more than counteracts any mood changes. You’ll be so pleased with
your new body that you won’t want to snarl at anyone."

"Will I?" Kim asked, and he already sounded pleased to his own ears.

"You seem very slender and narrow-hipped to me already. Did you go through puberty
later than most of your friends?"

Kim nodded. "Yeah, my periods didn’t start until I was fifteen. I thought it might be
because I really really didn’t want them to."

"It might be," Dr. Eisen said. "It’s not my area of specialty, but I don’t see why that
couldn’t be so. Well, because you have only recently gone through puberty, you’ll get an
optimal response to the androgens, much better than if you had waited ten years. Expect
rapid body-shape change and body-hair growth; you might even grow a little taller. Your
clitoris will enlarge rapidly too, perhaps even enough that you can pass as male."

Kim ducked his head in embarrassment. This was getting worse and worse.

"Facial hair will grow, too, but more slowly. I would advise you to start shaving now; it
will give you a more natural look while it grows in. Do you bind your breasts?"

Kim shook his head. "No, I’m pretty flat anyway."

Dr. Eisen smiled again. "You are lucky. Androgens won’t do anything about breast size
or nipple location; that’s a matter for surgery later, perhaps. As you are small-busted, you
might get away with keyhole surgery, or you might decide that the breasts you have are
acceptable."

Helen patted Kim’s arm and said, "I’m not doubting you, love, but I’d like to ask the
doctor some questions."

Kim nodded and turned his head away.

"What happens if Kim changes his mind in a year or two? Will his body return to how it
is now? Will it affect his fertility?" Helen asked, and Kim flinched. "I know, love, but I’d
be remiss as a parent if I didn’t ask these things."

Dr. Eisen said, "They are good questions, and Kim needs to know the answers before he
can make an informed choice. Most of the changes aren’t permanent. However Kim’s

2

voice won’t return to its present pitch, and there may be some clitoral enlargement that
persists. Long term, ovulation should return. I must say, though, that none of these are
reasons not to take androgens. Gender reassignment is only ever a lifesaving
intervention."

Kim lifted his head to look at the elderly man with surprise, and the doctor’s eyes
crinkled at him. Kim began to think that maybe everything would be all right after all.

"I do need to tell you that I won’t consider referring you for surgery of any sort for
another year at least, because you are so young, and I’d like you to see the psychiatrist
here for an evaluation before you have your first androgen injection."

"Even though I’ve been seeing a psychologist for six months?"

"Yes. You’re still under eighteen, so unless you want to wait until your birthday for your
first injection, I need a second appraisal done, just to cover myself professionally."

Kim shook his head vehemently. "No problem. I’ll see the shrink."

2

Chapter 3


Kim held the box in his hands and sat down on the couch. "You haven’t opened it?" he
said in surprise.

Helen shook her head. "Of course not, it’s addressed to you."

Bett climbed onto the couch beside Kim and said, "What is it? A present for you?"

"It’s personal, love," Helen said. "Like your journal."

"Oh, this is grownup stuff," Bett said. "Yuck." She slid off the couch and across the floor,
startling Donel who took a bite at her.

"Leave her alone, you horror." Helen tossed a piece of Lego at Donel, who stalked off in
disgust.

Kim opened the box in his bedroom, lifting out the prosthesis in awe. He’d not seen a lot
of penises in the flesh, but as far as he could tell, this one was uncannily lifelike. It felt
heavy and a little mobile and he pulled out the instructions and bottles of adhesive and
solvent eagerly.


That night, Kim reluctantly tied his bathrobe around himself and walked through the
darkened house to sit on the couch beside Helen’s feet.

She jerked awake, peered at him, then at the TV screen. "Kim? Is Melissa crying? Sorry,
I didn’t mean to fall asleep."

"No, the Martian’s fine. Mom, I need your help with this. I don’t think I can do it right by
myself."

"Sure, just tell me what to do," Helen said, sitting up and yawning.

"It’s in the bathroom," Kim said, embarrassment creeping up over him.

Helen patted his arm reassuringly. "I didn’t get you children without seeing a few cocks,"
she said.

"That is no consolation, Mom, and you know it."

"I know what we need," she said, and she bustled out to the kitchen, coming back with
two smeary water tumblers. "Here you are, have a belt of whiskey."

2

She tossed her liquor back, so Kim swallowed his own in one gulp, and found himself
spluttering and his eyes watering.

"Got lumps in it?" Helen said sympathetically, and she patted Kim on the back.

In the bathroom, Kim hung on to the edge of the sink and tried not to look down as Helen
carefully measured the base of the prosthesis, then shaved his pubic hair away, scraping
gently at it.

She stood up and rinsed the razor in the sink. "Now what?"

Kim patted the shaved area dry and wrapped his robe back around himself. "We put the
glue on and wait two minutes."

"Okay."

Kim carefully painted the glue onto the back of the prosthesis and Helen said, "It really is
incredibly realistic."

In Kim’s hand, with clear glue on the back, it looked odd. Even odder when Helen took it
out of his hand and held it for a moment.

"Mom!" Kim said.

Helen smiled at him. "If you had been born with one of these, I’d have spent two years
washing it. I get to look at it just once."

"If I’d been born with one of these, I wouldn’t be asking you to help me glue a silicone
one on," Kim said as he took it back.

"That’s two minutes. Want to try now?"

"Um, could you?" Kim asked. "I don’t actually know how low down to put it. And if you
sing Detachable Penis, I’m going to cry."

Helen chuckled and took the prosthesis back. "I hate that song." She knelt down again on
the worn bathmat and bit her lip. "Don’t want it to be crooked," she said, and she pressed
it firmly against the shaved skin.

Kim looked at the instruction sheet, then down at his body.

Helen took a step back, bumping into the towel rail. "Fuck," she said.

Kim touched the glue around the prosthesis and it was dry. He tried moving a little from
side to side, and the cock and balls swung and bobbed. "Fuck," he said.

2

Helen said, "That is incredible. No way can anyone tell that you weren’t born with that."

Exultation ran through Kim, sheer joy at the way he looked, and he beamed at Helen.
"Thank you; thank you so much."

Helen grinned back at him. "You look absolutely amazing," she said, and she opened the
bathroom door.

When Kim came out of the bathroom half an hour later, he was still grinning, and Helen
held out another tumbler of whiskey for him.

He’d put his boxers back on, just to see how the whole package felt, and confidence had
surged through him when he looked in the mirror. No way would anyone who looked
over a toilet door at school be able to tell it wasn’t real. If he got wedgied, it would all
look and feel real. For the first time he thought he might be able to face school the next
day with something like peace of mind.

Between the new prosthesis and knowing that he would have his first androgen shot in a
few days, life was looking pretty fucking good for the first time in years.

***

Helen wandered out to the kitchen when her alarm went off to find Kim fully dressed,
sitting at the kitchen table scarffing cereal. She kissed his scalp and ruffled his hair and
went to pour a cup of the coffee Kim had set brewing.

"Morning," she said, yawning. "You’re not usually up before me."

Kim shook his head and rubbed the milk off his chin with his hand. "Just woke up early
and couldn’t go back to sleep," he said.

Helen stared at him for a moment, not quite believing her ears, and Kim said, "Fucking
hell."

Helen nodded. Kim’s voice had dropped noticeably overnight. "Go on, talk some more."

"’Sweet youth, Tell me why, sad and sighing, thou dost rove These pleasant realms?’"
Kim’s voice cracked completely partway through Lord Alfred Douglas’ poem, and he
finished it grinning broadly.

"Wow," he said. "I only had the shot on Monday."

Bett appeared in the doorway and rubbed her eyes. "Kim’s voice is weird," she said. "If
he has a cold, can I stay home from school?"

2

Helen patted her on the head. "No way; you can’t even stay home from school if you
have a cold yourself."

Kim laughed out loud, a strange new sound, and began to sing, "Do dododo doo..."

Helen just about doubled over laughing at how Kim’s voice sounded sliding all over the
place.

Bett hugged her and said, "Why does Kim sound so funny?"

Kim was laughing, too, the sound all strange and rough, and Helen shrieked with laughter
when he bounded up from his chair, spoon still in his hand, and began to sing The Kinks’
Lola

.

Helen hugged Bett back with one arm, and Kim with the other. She couldn’t remember
the last time she had laughed so long and hard at anything, and Kim’s delight in his
changes made her even warmer. For the first time in months, it felt like they were getting
somewhere.

***

Dash was sitting at Helen’s kitchen table, painstakingly grinding away with her old
sewing machine, working on his robe, while the Martian alternated between babbling at
him from her high chair and tossing toys over the edge for him to pick up and return to
her.

He’d never sewn anything in his life before, and Helen had been patient with him, setting
up the sewing machine and keeping whatever comments she had to herself. Threading the
needle had been a struggle, one that he had finally given up on and asked for help.

Helen had shrugged and shown him again, and wandered off to hang out washing.

She came back in, made a mountain of sandwiches and put fresh coffee on, then lifted
Melissa out of the high chair and sat companionably at the kitchen table to feed her, all
while Dash kept the sewing machine chugging on.

He didn’t dare go any faster. Whenever he tried, the material slipped all over the place,
and he wound up unpicking and re-sewing. It just wasn’t worth it.

At half past three, Helen disappeared to put the sleeping Melissa in her cot, reappearing
just as a small kid barged in through the back door to climb all over her, peer curiously at
Dash and his sewing, then disappear back outdoors carrying handfuls of sandwiches.
Helen poured him more coffee and brought him over a sandwich on a plate. "Take it
now," she said. "She’ll be back for more."

3

There was a metallic thud from outside, and Dash hoped the kid hadn’t ridden a bike into
his car on the front lawn.

He got to the end of one of the long seams, and the back door opened again. Dash looked
up, and grinned at Kim as he tossed his school bag under the table. "Hi, Kim."

"Hi. Mom’s got you sewing your own robe, huh?" Kim sat down at the table opposite
Dash with a sandwich and a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, and I’m not sure it’s going very well. I’ve never done anything like this before."

Kim chuckled, and Dash looked at him. He looked far more relaxed than last time, and
older, too, somehow.

Kim met his eyes and Dash said, "Would you like to meet for coffee? Perhaps at UCLA?
We could talk about your plans for college."

Kim leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest and said, "I’d like that," and Dash
thought there might be enough sexual energy in the room to fry the sewing machine.

Helen bustled back in, and Kim bent down and picked up his school bag, then scooped up
his coffee and half-eaten sandwich and went through into the den.

When Dash left half an hour later, Kim was stretched out on the couch, shoe-clad feet
propped on the arm, copy of the The Road to Wigan Pier open on his chest, obviously
tuning out the TV.

Bett ignored Dash when he said, "Bye," but Kim looked up and grinned at him, and held
out a scrap of paper.

"My e-mail address," Kim said. "See you next time. Guess you’ll be here every Full
Moon from now on."

"Guess I will," Dash said, and he pushed the screen door open and went to see if the kid
had damaged his car.

***

Kim pushed Helen’s door open, hitching his sweatpants up where they were sliding down
his hips, and clambered up onto the end of her bed.

Melissa turned her head briefly to see who was interrupting her feed, smiled at Kim for a
moment, and then turned back to the breast.

"Wassup?" Helen said sleepily. "Can’t you sleep?"

3

Kim shrugged thin shoulders under his sweatshirt. "Not really. Heard the Martian wake
up, knew you’d be awake, too."

"Well, climb under the covers, and tell me about why you can’t sleep." Helen lifted up
the sheet and blankets beside her.

Kim slid under the covers, feeling a bit like a little kid again, climbing into his mom’s
bed. "Dash asked me out," he said.

Melissa made a contented noise and Helen said, "Really? I had no idea. Just shows what
can happen under my nose without me seeing."

"It wasn’t a real ask-out, like for a date. This was for coffee at UCLA to talk about
college stuff."

"But?"

"But I think he likes me."

"That’s great. He’s a lovely guy, if a little weird."

Kim rolled onto his side and looked at his mom. "You think he’s weird? You?"

Helen shifted Melissa to the other breast. "Not as weird as other people, and I don’t think
weird is a bad thing either. Weird is good."

"Thing is, I don’t know when to tell him. If he does like me. If he asks me out for a date."

Helen considered. "Ah, I can see why you might be losing sleep over this. Seems to me
you have two options: tell him as soon as you’re sure he likes you that way; or tell him
when it becomes something that he is about to find out for himself."

Kim blushed. "Mom," he said, embarrassed.

"Don’t ‘Mom’ me, kiddo. Of course you’re going to want to have sex eventually, I just
don’t think you should rush into it. Do you really think I don’t understand these things?
Where do you think all you kids came from?"

Kim snuggled down under the covers and pulled the quilt up higher. It was warm and
safe in his mom’s bed, and things seemed a little easier to think about, even sex. Sex had
gone from being something that other, normal, people had, to something he had to have
right then, thanks to the androgens. Without them he would never have had the courage
to flirt with Dash, never mind give Dash his e-mail address. They were making him
pushier at school, too; he was giving back shit to the other kids now, and it felt so fucking
good.

3

Kim finally said, "If I tell him right away, what if he doesn’t understand and thinks I’m
really a woman?"

"Perhaps you should find that out at the beginning," Helen said gently. "Say you go out
with him for a few months, and eventually wind up in bed. How will you feel if he freaks
out then?"

"Ick," Kim said. "Not good. Guess that means I have to tell him as soon as I can."

***

Initiation, January 25

th

.

Time passed slowly. Dash had no idea of how much because the clock beside the bed had
been turned to face the wall, and he didn’t dare go and turn it around. He heard a kid’s
voice, and the baby crying briefly. He knew Marie -- Lady Selene -- was there, too, had
spoken to her briefly when he arrived. He heard knocks on the front door and new voices.

He sat for a long time, until they came to get him.

Reading about initiation proved to be no preparation at all for facing it, and he found
himself shaking with fear. He’d started off feeling vulnerable with his face scrubbed
clean of makeup, and they’d taken that feeling and pushed and pushed him. There was
none of the feeling of presence that there had been at the Full Moon. This was all about
him and his inadequacies.

Then, suddenly, it was over and someone pulled the blindfold off and wrapped a blanket
around him, and Falcon pressed a full chalice into his hands and guided him to sit on the
bricks. "Drink it all," he said, and Dash did, gulping down the wine.

The wine hit him hard, especially after a second chalice had been pressed into his hand;
Chloe sat with him, holding his hand, while the circle was taken down.

And his Wiccan name was Vervain.

In the den, wearing jeans and sweater again, Dash began to open his gifts. There was a
silver pentagram from Lady Selene, a scrying stone of polished agate from Chloe; Falcon
gave him a large blank journal, for his Book of Shadows, and Arianrhod gave him a
stylus to go with the book and sachets of seed from her herb garden.

There was food, too, homemade pizzas and fresh bread, and more wine. Helen patted him
on the shoulder and said, "One of us will drive you home, or you can crash on my
couch."

"Thanks," Dash said. "I’m not sure what it is you serve in the circle, but it’s got a hell of
a kick."

3

"It’s ordinary port. The kick is because it’s consecrated: nectar of the goddess and all
that."

Marie, back in her ordinary clothes, said, "Okay, this Sunday afternoon, two o’clock here
for gardening. Everyone has to bring plants. And the Imbolg festival is the following
Wednesday afternoon, Peter is leading."

Luci said, "Is that two o’clock Witch time or Real time?"

"Real time," Marie said.

Peter leaned across to Dash and said, "Witch time is like Gay time. You know, two hours
late for everything."

Dash laughed. "Really? I thought only gay guys were consistently that late. What excuse
do witches use? Their hair wouldn’t go right? They couldn’t find a thing to wear?"

Peter looked at Marie. "Good question."

Marie laughed. "You will now for the first time hear me say something that will become
a regular part of your life for the next few years: That is something for you to meditate
upon."

Peter laughed, too, and Helen leaned across and whispered loudly to Dash, "That means
she doesn’t know the answer and she’s buying herself time to look it up."


Peter drove Dash back to his dorm, with Luci following behind in Peter’s car, and Dash
was more than a little disappointed that he’d seen nothing of Kim that evening, but Kim
seemed to stay right away from the coven. He guessed there was only a certain level of
parental embarrassment that was bearable, and presumably Helen could be excruciatingly
embarrassing if she tried.

***

Dash picked Kim out in the distance, walking across campus toward him. No Oxford
look today; Kim was dressed in jeans and shirt, windbreaker over the top, and the rain
had made his hair stand up. Dash pulled his trench coat closer around himself and stepped
out from under the awning.

Kim was grinning at him, and Dash grinned back. "Hey, Kim."

"Hi, Dash. How are you after last night? Mom said you got drunk."

"Guess I did," Dash said. "But I feel fine today. Kinda bouncy."

3

Kim chuckled. "That’d be the initiation. Mom didn’t sleep for days after she went Third.
I was a freshman, and remember it well. She spent all night, every night, cooking for us;
collapsed in a heap after about four days."

"Could be that," Dash said. "How come you’re not in the coven, too?"

Kim shrugged. "You know, Mom’s a complete lunatic about this stuff. It’s her thing, not
mine. Guess I’ve never been interested. Where are we going for coffee?"

"Bruin Café, other side of the track stadium, is probably the best place. You want some
lunch?" Dash hadn’t bothered asking how come Kim could meet him at lunchtime on a
school day. Cutting classes in senior year was something of a tradition.

"I’m starving," Kim said. "They have food that’s edible?"

Dash nodded, and they started walking across the lawns. "They do."

"I’ve been misled about that bit of campus life then. Mind you, it must have been twenty
years since Mom was at college here. So, is the place rife with pot, too?"

Dash laughed. "Um, yes. Doubt that’s changed about this place for the past fifty years."

"Good, things are looking up for next year then."

There was far too much laughter in Kim’s voice, and Dash didn’t ask him why.

"Do you live on campus?" Kim asked as they ducked under the covered walkway when
the rain began to fall in earnest.

"Yep, in Dykstra Hall. I lived off campus last year, in a shared house, and decided that I
might get better grades if I lived here. You planning on living on campus, too?"

Kim shook his head. "Nah, won’t be able to afford it. Dad’ll pay for my tuition,
hopefully, but he’s not going to cough up for accommodation, too, and Mom sure can’t
afford it, so, I’ll be commuting."

"Commuting’s okay," Dash said. "At least you won’t have to fend for yourself. Your
mom seems ultra-relaxed: can’t see her being upset about you coming home late and
drunk."

"You wouldn’t believe how cool my mom is," Kim said, and Dash wondered what it was
that Kim didn’t think he’d believe, after the whole witchcraft thing.

3

They ran across the courtyard through the rain, and Dash said, "This is Sproul Hall. That
second tall building over there is Dykstra Hall. The coffee shop is down at the other end
of the building."

In the coffee shop, Kim ordered a roast beef sub and Dash slid onto one of the stools at
the counter across the window, Kim beside him. Kim was peering out of the window
through the rain cheerfully and rubbing absently at the stubble on his chin, and Dash
wondered whether he should just have asked Kim back to his room.

They talked for a while about SAT scores and Kim chomped his way enthusiastically
through his sandwich. Dash picked at his muffin, and Kim said, "You sure you’re not
hung over?"

Dash nodded. "Yeah, but I did just eat breakfast an hour ago."

"I had lunch an hour ago," Kim said. "But I’m still starving."

Dash drank some of his espresso and said, "You reading Orwell for fun or profit?"

"Orwell? How’d you know I was reading Orwell?"

"Road to Wigan Pier. You were reading it when I saw you last week."

"Ah, yes. That’s for profit. I’m doing one of the extension courses at school, trying to
pick up some extra marks. I think I have the usual senior-year geek fears about just not
quite managing to get into college and winding up working flipping burgers and going to
a community college at night. Have you read Wigan Pier?"

Dash shook his head. "No, sorry. I can pass opinions endlessly about Victorian novels
though, if you ever want to listen."

"Thought that was last term."

"And this one. I have conceded defeat with Chaucer though. I did fine until Peter had us
write an essay in Chaucerian English. I got good marks for the essay, but it was agony to
write, and I thought this was a message that I should just stop. Give me Trollope any day.
He is rarely impenetrable, and when he is, it’s not intentional."

Kim said, "I’ve read Trollope, too," and Dash looked at him in surprise.

"Voluntarily? Did you like him?"

Kim nodded. "Yeah, he could take six hundred pages to say nothing, but I didn’t resent it.
I read all of the Barchester books last summer break. Not sure why, except that I didn’t
have anything else to do."

3

"C’mon, summer break before senior year: you’re supposed to spend it getting drunk and
laid, aren’t you?"

Kim looked at Dash and raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Sure. I changed schools because
the last one was so appalling, so I was hardly going to socialize with any of the assholes
from there. I went to this queer youth group place a few times, made a couple of friends
there, so the whole summer wasn’t a complete waste. Got laid twice, but not particularly
successfully."

"Um, not successfully? How’d you manage that?"

"Girls," Kim said, and Dash spluttered his coffee. "Yeah, I know," Kim continued. "Here
I am, trying to be gay, and I slept with girls. Like I said, not successful. I’m over it now
though, and I’m holding out for the real thing."

Dash said, "Yeah?" and his voice came out all low and interested.

Kim went bright red and said, "Fuck, I can’t believe I said that."

Kim’s neck was hot from blushing when Dash slid his hand across the smooth skin.
"Nah, it’s a cool thing to say," Dash said, and he leaned forward and kissed Kim lightly.

To Dash it felt like Kim trembled on the edge of indecision for a moment, then he was
kissing back enthusiastically, one hand on Dash’s shoulder, gripping the fabric of his
trench coat, the other sliding into Dash’s hair.

When Dash pulled back, Kim’s eyes were still closed and Dash watched him lick his lips
without realizing it.

"My room?" Dash said as soon as Kim opened his eyes.

Kim nodded, and Dash said, "C’mon," and took his hand and pulled him through the
press of people coming in the café door.

Halfway across the rain-wet grass, Kim stopped completely, tugging on Dash’s hand.

"What?" Dash said, knowing he sounded impatient, but he was too damned turned on to
do anything about softening his voice.

"Dash," Kim said, and he sounded terrified.

Dash made himself relax his shoulders and arms, and he slid one around Kim’s shoulders.

"Don’t worry," he said, and his voice came out gentle this time. "You’ve pretty much told
me you’re a virgin. We don’t have to do anything at all; we can just kiss for a while."

3

Kim was trembling for real now, and Dash hugged him close. "What is it? You can tell
me."

Kim was obviously terrified about something, and Dash stroked his back through his
windbreaker. It had begun to rain in earnest, but Dash ignored it. He could feel whatever
Kim was going through in the way Kim was clinging to him desperately.

"Tell me," Dash whispered.

"It’s not about being a virgin, because I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do with you.
It’s something else I have to tell you right now: I’m transgender."

"Oh," Dash said, and he creased his brow. "M to F? And you’ve never told anyone?"

Kim shook his head against Dash’s shoulder. "F to M. I’ve been living as a male for a
while, but I’m still anatomically female."

"Oh," Dash said again. "Oh."

Kim pulled away, and Dash couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was rain trickling down
Kim’s face.

Kim was silent, obviously waiting for Dash to say something other than "Oh".

"Um, I didn’t know."

"Does it make a difference? I’ll understand if it does," Kim said, and Dash could feel rain
streaking down his own face; he knew he’d have panda eyes from his mascara by now.

Dash thought. How would he feel being in bed with a woman? "I guess it does. I’m sorry,
Kim."

Kim’s face crumpled, and Dash felt like a total bastard; then Kim turned and began to
walk away through the rain.

"Wait," Dash called out, and he ran after Kim. "I can’t let you make your own way home.
I’ll drive you."

"Just fuck off, Dash," Kim said, and he shook off Dash’s hand from his arm and began to
run.

Dash let him go, and trudged back through the rain to Dykstra Hall.

3

Chapter 4

On the bus, Kim pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, hugging
himself. Some old bat glared at him and said, "Get your feet off the seat," but he just
ignored her.

He was drenched through, completely soaked, and he was glad because the rain had
hidden his tears. He’d thrown up once, waiting for the bus, but the shock and distress was
wearing off now and he just felt absolutely fucking awful.

It could have gone so well, and his imagination played it out for him. Dash saying, ‘That
doesn’t matter, it’s the person you are I’m attracted to.’ Them having sex. It feeling
absolutely wonderful just to have someone touch him.

Kim closed his eyes. That was torturing himself. He had to stop.

He was a mess when he got off the bus and stumbled to the house. There was no car on
the front lawn, so he found the back door key that hung from the fence post and let
himself in.

He should shower, get dry clothes on, but it was too much, so he locked his bedroom
door and lay down on his bed and let himself cry.

***

It took Helen a while to put the pieces together when she got home, after putting Melissa
to bed. Kim’s school clothes in the wash basket dry, back door swinging open, wet foot
prints tracked through the kitchen, dry school bag under the kitchen table: Kim had come
home early from school, and gone out again.

Kim’s door was closed, but she could practically feel the waves of misery through the
plywood. She tried the usual approach. "Kim? Want some coffee?"

There was silence, no music playing, no clatter of the keyboard. The ADSL modem in the
den was sitting quietly, no lights flickering to show traffic over the line. Helen turned it
off, and Kim didn’t come rushing out of his room to find out who had knocked the cable
loose. Helen turned it back on again.

Ten minutes later she knocked on the door again. This time, when there was no answer,
she tried the handle. The door was locked.

She decided that there was the need for privacy, and then there was the need not to scare
your mom shitless, so she pressed one hand against where the lock was and thought very
hard at it, then popped the door open with her shoulder.

Closed doors and witches did not agree.

3

Kim was lying face down on his bed, sobbing into his pillow, clothing drenched; and
Helen knelt down beside the bed and stroked his hair, smoothing out the tufts left by the
rain.

She didn’t say anything. Kim knew she was there, that was enough for the moment.

Helen’s knees began to ache, and she could hear Melissa whimpering in her cot, and she
stayed right where she was. Whatever had happened to Kim had broken his heart, that
was obvious, and he stayed with his face buried in his pillow long after the sobs had
stopped.

Bett came home from school, crashing and thumping into the house, and Helen called
out, "Bett, could you lift the Martian out of her cot and give her a cookie, please?" then
moved enough to kick Kim’s door closed.

The TV was playing in the background, and Helen could catch drifts of Bett talking to
Melissa and her burbling back, when Kim finally lifted his head.

His eyes were swollen and red and he looked bereft, so she held her arms open and Kim
climbed into them.

"Shh," she said. "You can tell me what it is later," and Kim clung to her and nodded.

He smelt of coffee and vomit and wet clothing, and she hugged him and rocked him in
her lap. He was still her baby, the little girl she’d given birth to all those years ago, no
matter how big he was now.

Kim began to relax in her arms and she kissed his forehead and wiped his blotchy face.
"Now, how about you go and have a shower and put your sweats on, and I’ll change your
bed, put dry sheets and blankets on it, and you can climb into bed?"

***

Kim stood under the shower and let the hot water tank run empty while he leaned his face
against the tiles. He was too tired and miserable to cry anymore, too tired and miserable
to keep going at all. It had been a long way back down to the bottom this time, and he’d
had enough.

In the past two weeks he’d got his precious prosthesis, had his first androgen shot, and
been asked out by a guy he liked. He’d been kissed by a guy... a man. Dash was no
pimply teenager, he was an adult.

And he was back right back where he had been a year before, unable to keep living.

Kim sat in his bed, knees drawn up, and took the glass of whiskey Helen offered him.

4

"Kids are all asleep now," she said. "Think you can tell me what’s happened?"

The whiskey was rough and made his eyes water. "I went and met Dash today, at college.
We were going to talk about college stuff. We were having lunch... and he kissed me."

Helen patted Kim’s hand where it rested on his knee. "It didn’t go well?"

Kim shook his head. "I wanted... really wanted... to go to his dorm with him. He said he
knew I wasn’t experienced... that we could just kiss..."

Kim ground to a halt, and Helen said, "And you told him you were transgender?"

Kim nodded. "He didn’t say anything for ages... And I asked if it would make a
difference, and he said yes."

Helen stroked Kim’s neck and Kim could hear she was crying, too. "He just doesn’t
understand, that’s all."

Kim sobbed again and said, "Mom, what if I hurt myself again?"

"I won’t let you, not this time. You can take some time off school, and we’ll go walking
together, make sure you’re worn out enough to sleep. I’ll get you an emergency
appointment with Fiona tomorrow. Remember that this time I know, other people know,
and you’re not completely alone. Now, how about you come and curl up in my bed?"

***

The bar was crowded and loud, and Dash pushed his way through the bodies to order a
beer. Someone grabbed his ass and was gone when he turned his head. He was in the
right place.

The beer added to the buzz from the last bar, made him look around the crowd, then
make his way through the press of bodies to the dance floor. This close to college, all the
men were either young like him; or looking for a young guy, and that was what he
wanted. An older guy would know everything already. He’d had enough of virgins for the
day.

It took four tracks, then he left with some guy with a mustache and tattoos, and they
fucked in his car in the car park. It should have been good, to be buried that deeply inside
this guy, but after he’d come he couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there and back to the
dorm to shower.

The guy wanted to talk and cuddle, for fuck’s sake, so Dash brushed him off, dropped
him off at another bar, and headed back to campus.

4

In bed, ignoring his room mate working on his PC, Dash pulled the covers up higher to
block out the light and tried to sleep. It should be easy, after a few hours drinking and a
fuck, but he couldn’t shake the feeling he’d done something incredibly stupid somewhere
along the line.

***

The Martian was burbling in her car seat, and Kim turned around, leaned over the seat
and handed her a cookie. "Here you are, little one."

Melissa burbled some more and stuck the cookie in her mouth and began grinding away
at it with her three teeth.

"She’s going to be talking soon, isn’t she?" Kim asked Helen.

Helen nodded. "Very soon. Wonder what her first word is going to be. Yours was ‘No.’
Don’t think she’s going to be as difficult as that."

Kim found himself smiling at his mom. "Really? I said ‘no’? I wasn’t a difficult baby,
was I?"

"No, just opinionated. Your dad said I deserved that. You slept a fair bit, didn’t cry a lot.
Guess you were like the Martian that way. She’s been a breeze to raise."

Kim felt quietly smug that his first word was ‘No.’ There was an achievement.

Helen said, "You can put some music on, if you want to."

Kim nodded. Music was an adventure in his mom’s car, as was almost everything. There
was a decrepit laptop under his feet, and he plugged it into the cigarette lighter and sat it
on his knees to boot. It whirred and ground away, and Windows 3.1 opened up. Kim
opened the music player on it, and selected his mom’s play list, then found the cable that
plugged into the car speakers. The whole system was precarious and prone to failure at
any moment, but all the car had was an AM radio, and this was the cheapest replacement
option they had found.

"Oh," Helen said. "That’s sweet. I was prepared to listen to Sparta and Jimmy Eat World,
and you’re going to put up with my stuff."

"No problems, Mom, as long as we can skip the Bryan Adams tracks." If he had to listen
to Bryan Adams, he’d be back at suicidal again.

Helen found a parking spot not far from Venice Beach, and Kim shut down the lap top
and hid it under the litter in the front seat. He clambered out to help his mom lift the
stroller out of the trunk.

4

Melissa was wildly excited in the back seat, and Kim lifted her out, too, and cuddled her
for a moment before putting her into the stroller. She immediately began to throw herself
from side to side, and Kim wound up pressing an elbow into her chest gently to hold her
still long enough to be able to do the safety harness up.

Helen did whatever it was she did to the car to stop anyone from trying to steal it while
Kim was wrestling with the Martian. Kim has asked once what the spell was and Helen
had told him with a straight face that she put a big astral sign on the car that said, ‘Don’t
fuck with this car,’ but Kim suspected that his mom was just joking. Though if he did
squint his eyes a bit, there was something odd about the way the car looked.

The car was fine, apart from the fact that it barely ran, was riddled with rust, and belched
clouds of black smoke. And sounded like a tractor. And none of the locks worked
anymore. Kim knew other kids at school had a car of their own. Not a dream that was
even worth him thinking about.

Venice Beach was relatively sane, being a blustery Friday afternoon, and Kim wrapped
his jacket around himself, and then bent down to tuck the Martian’s blanket in more
firmly. It wasn’t really cold, LA didn’t get cold, but it was chilly in the spray blowing in
from the ocean. The wind had kept the tourists away, and nobody jostled them as the
strolled along the boardwalk.

Kim loved Venice Beach. It was a completely crazy place, even on a wintery day, and he
felt his spirits beginning to lift as rollerbladers whizzed past and a dude on a unicycle
panhandled them.

However weird Kim’s life was, here he looked normal.

Rainbow flags fluttered in front of shops, and it made him think of his mom’s car again,
now proudly festooned with multiple rainbow stickers, a continuing statement of
acceptance for Kim.

Helen was smart, Kim realized, in bringing him here for a walk. Venice and WeHo were
places he felt relatively safe. No one was going to pick on him for being gay, no one was
even going to look at him, there was none of the constant dread of exposure that going to
school had.

This was something he’d talked to Fiona about that morning, before they had come to the
beach; living in fear of discovery and rejection. How it was eating away at his mind, how
Dash rejecting him had only been part of the problem.

Fiona hadn’t really been able to reassure him, except to say that his fears were rational
and reasonable, but he felt better for telling anyway.

It just seemed the more he gained, the more there was to lose. Newfound confidence from
the androgens was helping him take chances, and one of the chances had backfired.

4

Nothing more, nothing less. There was no greater meaning to what had happened with
Dash. He’d been horny and had let some guy pick him up. It hadn’t worked.

They walked past Muscle Beach, and Helen and Kim leaned over the railing, admiring
the muscle men together. Even on an overcast day, there were men there wearing nothing
but posing pouches.

After a few minutes, Helen nudged him and they went back to walking. Helen said,
"Well, I feel better for that. What about you?" and Kim blushed. He could hear Helen
chuckling, and he smiled, too.

"That’s better," she said. "Nothing like a really good perv at some hunky men to cheer
you up."

Kim said, "Mom!" and Helen nudged him with her elbow again and they kept walking.

The sun struggled out from behind the clouds, and the air was clean and bright, washed
clean by the previous day’s rain, blown in fresh from the ocean.

Helen bought Kim and herself a hot dog from a stall, and Kim ate his quickly, acutely
aware of the Martian’s pleading eyes looking up at him from the stroller. Kim looked
enquiringly at Helen and she shook her head. "Definitely not. Melissa cannot have hot
dog."

The Martian’s pleading must have gotten to Helen, because she bought her a banana from
a fruit stall and peeled it and handed it to her.

The Martian squawked excitedly and took the banana and pushed it into her mouth,
pulping it with her teeth and hands and smearing it all over herself, making people stare
at her in amazement when they started walking again. Kim guessed they weren’t used to
seeing babies with banana in their hair and ears.

Helen found a seat that was relatively clean from the rain and sat down, pulling the
stroller alongside herself. "Do you want to go down to the water?" she asked Kim and
Kim nodded.

He took off his boots and socks at the water’s edge, tying the laces together and slinging
them over his shoulders. The sand was cool under his feet, and Kim picked his way
across the washed up rubbish, arms wrapped around himself.

Helen looked up from feeding Melissa as Kim walked back toward her, and smiled at
him. "Have a good walk?" she asked, and Kim nodded.

"Can I ask you questions?" Kim said, and Melissa looked up from underneath Helen’s T-
shirt, banana browning in her hair.

4

Helen lifted Melissa back into the stroller and did up the harness. "Sure. Shall we walk
back toward the car, too?"

They began to walk. There were more people around now the sun had come out, but
nobody was remotely interested in them, except to try beg from them.

"Why did the Goddess let this happen to me?" Kim asked.

Helen peered at him for a moment. "Which particular ‘this’ did you mean?" she asked
him.

"You know, me being born into the wrong body," Kim said.

"Ahh, that one," Helen said. "I could tell you that she did because there are lessons that
she thought you needed to learn that you could only learn from the experience. Or
because she thought you were strong enough to bear the burden. But that’s a load of shit."

Kim chuckled. His mom was a darling.

"I honestly have no idea why she would do that to you. I don’t know why people have to
endure crippling pain, or why some babies die. I think some things are random chance."

Kim nodded, and the Martian burbled away in the stroller.

"You might need to remember that witches never pretend that the Lady is benevolent.
She is Morrigan, the harvester of souls, as well as Demeter. She is a much harsher mother
than I am, and disciplines her children strictly. Whereas I am a soft touch with you kids."

Kim slid his arm around his mom’s waist and hugged her quickly. "Thanks. For not
bullshitting me. Because you could have tried to spin some story for me."

"No, it’s a reasonable question. And even the Lydiatians have parables about this."

"About me being a tranny boy?" Kim asked, trying not to laugh.

Helen did laugh. "No, idiot. About God being harsh and cruel and unjust. How well do
you know your New Testament?"

"Um, not at all, I’ve been brought up in a pagan household."

"Well, you might have picked up stuff. The Lydiatians have a story about Jesus begging
God for assistance in the Garden of Gethsemane, and God turning a deaf ear to him and
leaving him to struggle through alone. "Now, this is the kind of thing you’d expect from
the Old Testament God, who was grouchy and cruel, but this is from the ‘suffer all the
children’ God. People have always known this is a harsh world and bad shit happens to
people who don’t deserve it."

4

"As opposed to people who deserve it?" Kim asked.

"The deserving or otherwise is not for me to judge," Helen said. "And karma is just a cop
out, too. I don’t for one moment believe that the Goddess makes people work off pain
and misery from previous lives. I am willing to go with some theological explanation of
transgenderism, though. I subscribe to the idea that you are still very much the soul you
were in a previous life, that at some deep level you remember being a man, and you
know that you are male."

"I like that better than Fiona’s theories," Kim said. "She’s big on the idea that because I
grew up without a father, I’ve mystified the concept of being male, and am trying to fill
that gap in myself."

Helen groaned, startling the rollerblader who scooted past her at that moment. "Oh look,
something else to add to the mountain of maternal guilt I feel. Now my complete inability
to sustain a relationship with a man has put you through this misery."

Kim laughed quietly at his mom’s dramatics. "You must be having a bad day," he said.
"That’s a change from the ‘all men are bastards’ line you usually take."

"Well, all men are bastards," she said. "At least all of the ones I’ve tried to have
relationships with are."

"You’ve never told me what really happened," Kim said. "It’s just always been there. I
know my dad left when I was tiny. And I remember how much you used to fight with
Bett’s dad. What happened with Paul? How come he never ever has access to the
Martian?"

"He’s never seen her even," Helen said, and Kim could hear regret in her voice. "He left
as soon as I told him I was pregnant, said he wasn’t interested in having another child, no
matter what. I decided to continue the pregnancy anyway. He didn’t even show up for the
paternity hearing, just sent his lawyer along to fight it."

"Bastard," Kim said. "How could he not love the Martian?" He looked down into the
stroller, where the Martian, still liberally smeared with banana, was sucking the edge of
her blanket contentedly. She looked back up at him, same blue eyes as him, but hair a
halo of pale honey curls and pulped banana around her face. "You’re a darling," Kim
cooed at her.

"Yeah," Helen said, and Kim stood up and hugged her quickly.

"I’m sorry, for you and Melissa. It’s gotta be so hard, knowing he won’t help," Kim said.

Helen hugged Kim back. "I’m not alone, sweetie, so don’t fret about it. Not that I
wouldn’t mind a man, but I can’t imagine anyone wanting to get involved in my life at

4

the moment. Later on, when you kids are older, there’ll be a chance for me to have a
lover again. Until then, I’ll sublimate everything into raising you kids. I hope you’re up to
the burden of my unreasonable expectations?"

Kim couldn’t help laughing at his mom. "You’re an idiot sometimes."

Helen laughed, too. "Yeah, I know."

Kim walked along, still chuckling inside. His mom was a darling. She’d been visibly
pregnant with the Martian when Kim had finally gotten up the courage to tell her he was
a male inside. After the initial hysterics, she’d taken it all calmly, comforting him, taking
him to see the first of several doctors. She hadn’t coped when he’d harmed himself in a
desperate attempt to ease the misery, but she’d been there, rock solid, the whole way.

He’d quit school in the last few weeks of junior year, unable to struggle on, and she’d let
him, and they’d spent a couple of weeks at home, watching bad television and eating ice
cream, until Kim had decided he really wanted to transition.

Even now, marshmallows and ice cream made him think of daytime soap operas.

"What are you thinking about?" Helen asked, startling Kim back to the present.

"Ice cream," he said. "And last summer, while you were waiting for the Martian to be
born."

"Ah," she said. "That was an interesting time. I remember how traumatized you were by
the delivery."

"I can’t believe you wanted me there. I was a gibbering mess."

"You did just fine. And I really thought you should be part of at least one birth in your
life, just in case you never got the chance with a child of your own."

"Yeah, I’d realized that. Certainly made me absolutely sure I never wanted to do that
myself. Yuck."

"It wasn’t yuck, it was powerful and intense and beautiful. A person is at their most
human both being born, and giving birth in turn," Helen said.

"Now you’re being all weird and mystical on me again. Can’t you go back to obsessing
about your maternal guilt?" Kim asked. He was grinning now. This was so good. He
hadn’t had one of these talks with his mom for months.

"Okay," Helen said, and she put the brakes on the stroller beside the car, then patted the
car reassuringly. "Good car," she murmured. "Now, remember: ignition, combustion,
motion."

4

Kim slid into the front seat when the Martian was strapped into her car seat, and dug the
lap top out of the rubbish. "I’ll go back to school on Monday," he said to Helen when she
climbed behind the wheel.

"If you feel up to it. Just let me know if you need more time off."

Kim hit the on button on the laptop. This time, they’d have his play list.

***

What it was he had done wrong began to creep up on Dash as he parked his car outside
Helen’s place the next Sunday afternoon. He found that he was reluctant to get out of the
car, and more than a little guilty about Kim. He should have followed him... her... on
campus that day. Made sure she got home safely at least, instead of letting her run off in
the rain that way. She was just a kid, still at school, and obviously a really mixed up kid
at that, and he’d not made any attempt to make sure she was okay.

He didn’t knock on the front door, just carried the plants he had bought as his
contribution through the open side gate to the yard. Peter looked up and waved at him,
and Dash waved back.

"Hey, Dash," Peter said. "Put your plants down over there on the lawn, and come and
help me shovel this shit."

Dash put his pots of petunias down beside the other pots, and took off his trench coat and
hung it over the washing line, then went and took the shovel off Peter.

"Where is everyone?" Dash asked. "I can’t possibly be early." He stuck the shovel into
the wheelbarrow of what looked like horse shit and began to shovel it into the trench
Peter had dug.

"Marie is indoors rounding up beers for all of us. Luci went to get another trailer load of
shit, and Helen had to go out. Some kind of family thing that came up at the last moment
I gather."

Marie came down the garden carrying a tray of Coronas. "Hi Dash," she said. "Good to
see you."

"Hi Marie." Dash nodded at her, and went back to shoveling hard.

"Dash," Marie said, and when Dash looked up from filling the trench; Peter had
wandered off.

He stuck his shovel into the soil. "Yes?"

4

"How have you been since last Wednesday?"

Dash shrugged.

"Initiation changes people, that’s its purpose. I just wondered if you’d noticed anything."

Dash looked at her a little ruefully. "I guess things have been a bit crazier than usual."

"Crazy?" Marie said, and she nodded. "People expect initiation to only bring about
positive changes. They expect that asking the Goddess into their lives, making a
commitment to follow her path, will bring them only joy and happiness. It’s never ever
that easy."

Dash began to feel uneasy. Marie reminded him far too much of his mother when she was
winding up to a really well deserved telling off.

"Some of the doorways that have opened inside you will lead to dark places, others will
lead to power that you are not yet able to handle. Walking in the footsteps of the Goddess
is a difficult journey, and you will have much to learn, and much to face." Marie smiled
at Dash, and he realized he was expected to make some kind of response.

"’Kay. I guess this is partly about Kim. I didn’t handle it very well when she told me he
was a change."

Marie nodded. "It is partly. Helen hasn’t told me what happened between the two of you,
just that she had to take Kim out for the afternoon to save him the embarrassment of
running into you again."

Dash nodded.

"I suspect that Kim thought you would understand. Because you so obviously consider
gender roles up for negotiation."

Dash lifted a hand to his face without realizing it.

"Yes, because you have no problems with appropriating parts of female cultural
behavior."

Dash felt smaller and smaller with each of Marie’s words. "I fully support Kim’s right to
dress and behave however he... she... wants to. But this was more personal than that. This
was just a gut level reaction."

Marie nodded, and Dash suspected she knew exactly what he meant.

She said, "Kim is very special to us all, one of the Goddess’s trampled flowers. He’s gone
through agony, living in the wrong body for all these years, and both Helen and I are

4

fiercely protective of him. You need to do something about patching things up with him
at some stage. There, end of lecture. Would you like a beer?"

Dash took the beer gratefully. Marie’s words had been mild, but he felt a little like she
had hit him around the head with the shovel he was holding.

***

Helen was already robed, already Chloe, when he arrived for Imbolg, but she smiled at
him and pointed toward the bathroom for him to robe up in.

Dash pulled his robe on quickly, and paused to look around the bathroom. He’d heard
that you could tell a lot about a person by their bathroom, and while he resisted opening
the bathroom cupboard, he still had a good look at the room. The house must be at least
fifty years old, and hadn’t been renovated for thirty years judging by the yellow and
mustard bathroom tiles, and the floor sloped alarmingly, but Dash guessed that single
mothers with lots of kids didn’t get to retile the bathroom very often.

The towels were the uniform khaki color that he knew from Dykstra Hall, a sort of mid
point color that all towels drifted toward. There were economy size bottles of shampoo
and conditioner in the shower recess, along with a baby bath propped up to drain and a
large collection of plastic ducks. The shelf over the sink held a jar of toothbrushes and a
collection of toothpastes. There was a razor there, and shaving gel, and they made Dash
pause and think of Kim nervously rubbing a stubbled chin. The kid must be taking
hormones. That was commitment for you.

It was one thing to play around with the cultural construction of gender, something Dash
wholeheartedly approved of, and another thing completely to make the change and take
hormones. He felt vaguely cheated somehow, like he should have been able to pick up
that Kim was a girl, like Kim had conned him somehow. It wasn’t that big a deal, it was
just he’d never kissed a girl before.

Sure, Kim was a girl who shaved, but that didn’t actually help much.

Dash sat down on the edge of the shower to think.

Did it? He wouldn’t have had any problems if he hadn’t been attracted to Kim. Kim
would just have been another queer kid then, but he had been really attracted to him.
They’d kissed and Dash had wanted to fuck her, too.

He should have handled that better.

Kim’s door was opposite the bathroom. At least he figured it was hers since there was a
rainbow flag pinned to the door.

She called out "Yes," when he knocked on the door, and he swung the door open.

5

Kim was sitting at the PC, bare feet propped on the desk, keyboard on her lap, obviously
chatting to someone online.

She put the keyboard down on the desk and dropped her feet to the floor. "Hi, Dash," she
said. "Come in."

Dash pushed the door shut behind himself. "Hi, Kim. Look, I just want to clear up what
happened the other day. I didn’t act at all cool."

Kim nodded. "You didn’t."

Dash shrugged.

Kim said, "I had some idea that you were a fellow gender warrior. Turned out you were
just another gay boy wearing eyeliner. My mistake."

Dash shrugged a little ruefully.

Kim said, "I’ll tell Mom you apologized. That’ll stop her from wanting to kill you."

Dash smiled at Kim. That was generous of the kid as Dash hadn’t actually said he was
sorry. "I’d better go. Wouldn’t want to keep Marie waiting."

Kim opened the door for him. "Don’t ever keep Marie waiting."

***

Imbolg, February 2

nd

.

Falcon had lined the path to the circle with tiny candles, and massed candles through the
newly planted garden, and Chloe sighed contentedly. Her backyard was kind of like a
middle-aged woman. It always looked better by candle light.

Though the new garden was lovely, planted with peas along the fence line, miniature
roses in a ring around the circle, yarrow and rue between them and petunias around the
entrance to the circle. Just lovely.

Arianrhod had supervised the plantings, and had sown seeds through the soil so that
plants would continue coming up through the year, too. Coming home late on the Sunday
afternoon to find a very grubby Marie sitting cross legged alone in the circle drinking
beer out of a bottle had been entertaining.

Especially when Marie privately assured Helen that she’d had a chat with Dash. Marie’s
chats tended to make one look for a safe place to lie down and apply cold compresses. A

5

chat from Marie would be more effective than any hysterical harangue that Helen could
come up with.

After they’d anointed with orange flower water, Falcon gave each of them a twined
headpiece of early roses he had made, then handed the broom to Chloe, as it was her new
circle they were blessing.

She spared a glance at Vervain during the Rune, and she could see he was concentrating
hard, trying not to goof up the steps and Chloe smiled a little.

Kim had found her in the kitchen just before the ritual, setting out the cookies on a
platter, and had hugged her and whispered that Dash had apologized. She’d hugged Kim,
amazed as always by her child’s resilience. He had the soul of a fighter, that was obvious.

Chloe rested her hands on her knees and closed her eyes. This time last year, she had
been heavily pregnant with Melissa, and the baby had spun and kicked through the ritual,
but this time her body was her own, and she opened her mind to the Lady.

Vervain caught her eye, and she smiled at him, and he looked relieved. He didn’t need to
know that she’d still break his fingers if he hurt one of her kids again.

Arianrhod was beginning to giggle, and Chloe had to admit she was tempted to join her
when Falcon handed a bag around the circle after they had made corn dolls, and they
each took out a tiny dildo. Vervain looked faintly alarmed with his, presumably at what
he might be asked to do with it.

Falcon said, "These are for you to take home and tuck up with your corn doll. Find
somewhere comfortable and private for them, and leave them alone for a while so they
can get on with it. I’ve got something else for each of you, and a task to do at home."

Another bag went around, this time holding a candle for each of them. "Take the candle
home, too, and light it at bed time. Your task is to have an orgasm for the Goddess
tonight while the candle is burning."

Arianrhod did giggle then, and Chloe saw Lady Selene nudge her with her elbow to make
her stop. Vervain’s eyes were wide, and he looked nervously around the circle.

"That’s right," Falcon said, obviously nearly laughing himself. "Tonight, you’re going to
give it up for the Goddess. Have fun everyone. Now, put your tokens away, let’s bless the
wine and cookies, and take the circle down."

Arianrhod had the giggles uncontrollably by the time the circle was down and the libation
was poured onto the new garden, and they were spreading to everyone else. When they
were carrying the boxes of altar equipment back to the house, Dash asked Helen, "Um,
are rituals always like that? Was Peter serious?"

5

"Oh yes," Helen answered. "Rituals are often like that. You wait for Yule. And, yeah, he
was serious, though I don’t recall we’ve ever been asked to give it up for the Lady before.
That’s a Peter kind of thing to do."

"Oh," Dash said, and Helen patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"Go on, I’m sure the Lady appreciates the thought."

Dash’s room mate was in their room when Dash got back from the ritual, and Dash
unpacked his bag, tucking the shapeless bundle of straw and the little plastic penis into
his drawer. Nobody would touch them. One of the advantages of being openly gay in the
hall was that nobody dared to try and sort through his stuff. He put his robe and athame
away, and pulled the candle out of his bag.

Greg was tapping away at his keyboard, text books open around him on his desk, and
Dash tried not to sound too hopeful as he said, "You going out tonight?"

"No, sorry," Greg said, not even lifting his eyes from his screen. "If I don’t get my
workbook up to date, I’ll fail Physics. You planning on having sex or something?"

"No." They had a gentlemen’s agreement about their sex lives, though Dash seemed to
use it more than Greg did. Or maybe Greg just got laid during the daytime.

Nothing for it then, Dash thought, and he picked up his towel and shower bag, and
slipped the candle into it, along with some matches. He hoped the Goddess didn’t mind
him doing his bit in the shower, because there really didn’t seem to be any other options.

The dorm bathroom was empty, apart from the desperately overworked pre-med from the
end of the hallway brushing his teeth, so Dash locked himself in a shower cubicle and set
the candle on the seat and lit it. This was weird, but in an entertaining way, and Dash
quickly stripped his clothes off and turned the taps on.

Shower gel was the way to go under these circumstances, so he poured some into his
hand and rubbed it over his cock. Thank the Goddess he was young and ready to go, he’d
hate to be doing this in the shower if it was going to take ages. His skin would be a wreck
if he did.

It was good and quick and hard, and he leaned against the tiles and grinned to himself.
Okay, he’d done his bit, and there was real amusement in thinking of the rest of the coven
going for it, too. And, considering everything, it wasn’t a bad thing to be asked to jerk off
for religious purposes. Much better than fasting or abstinence, and far more fun.

Greg was still frowning at his screen and poring over his text books when Dash got back
to his room, and Dash slid the candle into his drawer alongside the corn dolly and dildo,
and climbed into bed. He was tired, and still felt good from coming, and his heart seemed

5

a little lighter, too. Sleep would come easier than it had done for the past few nights, even
with Greg muttering under his breath at his assignment.

***

Helen crawled into bed after feeding Melissa and opened her bedside drawer. Good on
Peter, getting them all to come for the Goddess. He was a wicked bastard sometimes.

5

Chapter 5

"This is Dykstra Hall," the tour guide said, and the group of seniors paused outside a tall
concrete building. "This is the largest residential hall on campus, and is mostly occupied
by undergrads. We’ll be having lunch in the dining hall here."

Kim looked around the entrance hall curiously as the group walked through. There were
two elevators and an anonymous looking set of couches, and not much else. So, this was
where Dash lived, where they had been going to before Kim had come out to Dash.

The tour guide was rambling on, and Kim shifted his pack to his other shoulder. Allie
was on one side of him, craning her head to check out some woman who had just walked
past, and Hilary and Gail were on the other side of him, whispering amongst themselves.
The really obnoxious seniors were absent because coming to a college orientation day
was way too dorky for them, much to Kim’s relief. He’d never been anything but a geek,
and it meant he had a day free of harassment.

He had been surprised that Gail and Hilary had torn themselves away from their incessant
discussion of waxing versus shaving long enough to think about college, but there they
were, presumably still doing a compare and contrast on a Beckham versus a Brazilian
versus a Sebastian, whatever a Sebastian was. Some things Kim did not need to know.

Kim heard the elevators open behind them. Gail and Hilary went into boy-stalking mode,
and Kim looked over his shoulder just in case they’d spotted someone gorgeous.

Dash walked across toward the group of them, and Kim found himself grinning back at
him while Gail and Hilary giggled beside him.

"Hi Kim," Dash said, shifting the stack of books in his arms to his hip. "Guess you’re
here for orientation."

"Hey Dash," Kim managed to say. "Yeah, we’re being shown around so we don’t get
pathetically lost in a few months’ time. How’s things?"

"I’m doing fine. You’re looking good."

Gail and Hilary went silent beside him, and Kim felt himself going red. "Thanks," Kim
managed to say, and he resisted the urge to rub at his newly grown-in sideburns. He was
ridiculously pleased that Dash had noticed.

The tour guide was trying to get their attention, and Dash said, "I’ll see you around.
Maybe next week. I’ve got a class now."

"Bye," Kim said, and Dash strode off out of the main doors, trench coat flapping behind
him.

5

Allie was jumping up and down beside him, hanging onto his arm, and he gave her a
wide grin. Hilary and Gail burst into a stream of babble at him. "Wow! Do you date
college guys? Do you know him? Can you introduce me next time? Is he your boyfriend?
God, he’s a total hunk. I love a man that knows how to use an eyeliner pencil."

"Huh?" Kim said to Hilary as she grabbed his other arm, and he realized his social status
had just shot up with them. "No, he is not my boyfriend. And there’s no point in
introducing you to him, he’s gay."

"Damn, all the best men always are," Hilary said, and she and Gail dissolved into giggles.

While Gail and Hilary were still in the queue, worrying over the carbohydrates in their
lunches, Allie sat beside Kim in the dining hall and said, "Details! I want details!
Quickly, before the Hilton moron twins come back."

Kim dropped his voice. "We went out once. That’s all."

"D’you sleep with him?" Allie asked, dropping her voice, too.

Kim went bright red and grinned. "No. He wanted to. We did kiss though."

Allie nodded approvingly. "Smart boy, gotta hold out on them."

Kim couldn’t help laughing. "It wasn’t quite like that," he said, and all of a sudden the
most embarrassing moment of his life had been turned into something that he could
almost boast about.

***

Helen dropped the last of the groceries onto the kitchen table and bent down and
retrieved Melissa from where she was jammed against the table legs, and put her down
again in the den, where she began the combination commando crawl/roll that she used to
get around.

Bett appeared from the yard to start going through the shopping, looking for treats. Helen
put the meat and milk away, and poured herself a cup of fresh coffee. Fresh coffee meant
Kim was home, and he should have appeared to search the shopping just like his siblings.

"Kim, honey?" Helen knocked on his door.

"C’min, Mom," Kim called back.

When she swung the door open, Kim was sitting where he usually was, feet on the desk,
keyboard in his lap, and she sat down on his unmade bed. "Change your sheets, hon," she
said automatically.

5

Kim put his keyboard down on the desk. "I just did, Mom," he said. "Yesterday."

Helen nodded. He had, she remembered. It was the androgen shots making Kim smell
like a teenage boy, and she hadn’t gotten used to it yet. She wasn’t sure she liked that bit
of having a teenage son.

Kim hummed a bit, something in tune with the music on his PC.

Helen said, "You’re cheerful." Then, frowning a little in confusion, she added, "And
you’re listening to The Corrs. Last time I played that CD, you said it made your ears
ache."

Kim looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, guess I am in a good mood. And I said that it made
my brain ache, not my ears. And I hope it’s alright I borrowed your CD."

"No problem. Just remember, The Corrs are at the top of a slippery slope that leads down
to Michael Bolton. How come you’re cheerful? Was Orientation Day that good?"

Kim chuckled. "Um, no, it was boring. But I saw Dash, he came over to say hello, and
I’ve gone up the pecking order at school because I knew a college guy. I think it’s
hysterically funny. Obviously, all I ever needed to do was boast about knowing him. It’s
all a load of bullshit anyway."

Helen nodded and went to finish putting the shopping away, humming The Corrs to
herself.

***

The librarian was most insistent on the subject of sandwiches in the library, quite
unreasonable about it from Kim’s point of view; so he gathered up his books and lunch
bag and wandered over to sit on the grass outside the Science block. He should be left
alone if he sat there, none of the kids who gave him the most grief were likely to find
him.

He’d only gotten part way through his three rounds of baloney-and-ketchup sandwiches
before Allie sat beside him. "Hi Kim," she said, and Kim looked closely at her. She’d
been crying.

"Hey, Allie. You okay?"

She shook her head, and Kim nodded. He understood exactly what she meant. "Sucks,"
he said quietly.

They sat in silence until someone loomed over them, making them shade their eyes and
look up. "Fucking dyke."

5

Another figure appeared and Kim began to get a bad feeling about the lunch break.
"Fucking homo."

Allie and Kim both scrambled to their feet, and Kim pushed his way in between Allie and
the two jerks who were hassling her.

"Fuck off," Kim said. "Leave Allie alone."

The bigger kid said, "What the fuck are you going to do, you fucking cunt?" and he
pushed Kim hard in the chest.

Rage surged through Kim, blind anger at the injustice of every fucking day, and he
pushed the kid back hard.

"Stop, Kim!" Allie cried.

Kim said, "Run, get someone," and Allie took off toward the Science building.

The other kid trod on Kim’s abandoned lunch, and then struck Kim in the face.

Kim shook his head briefly, and then threw himself at the kid, hitting out hard and fast.
No way was he letting this go, even if there were two of them. He was too fucking angry
at them for picking on Allie. One of his blows connected solidly and the kid staggered
back.

The first kid stepped forward again and took a swing at Kim, and there was the sound of
someone shouting "Stop! Stop!" and a whistle blowing.

The kid Kim had managed to hit pressed his hands to his face, and blood seeped between
his fingers in the most satisfying way. Kim was shaking now from the adrenalin rush,
more than ready to keep going, just to see if he could do it to the other kid as well, but he
was rational enough still to know that he would be in all sorts of trouble if he hit the guy,
so he turned his back on the thugs and waited for Mr. P. to run as fast as his belly would
let him down the walkway from Science.

Allie reached Kim and hugged him hard, then said, "You’re bleeding! Are you okay?"

Kim touched a hand to his face and it came away bloody. Damn. And his hand was
beginning to hurt where he had hit the kid.

He looked back to where the kid with the bloody nose was crouching on the lawn,
obviously trying not to throw up.

Mr. P. blew his whistle one last time as he waddled up to them then between pants said,
"Matthews, Riley, Jorgen. What the hell do you think you’re doing?"

5

Allie said, "They started it. Kim was just defending himself and me."

Kim knew there wasn’t going to be any questions asked, not with his reputation as a well-
behaved studious kid. Not when both Riley and Jorgen were known as bullies and thugs.

"Allison, can you take Kim to Nurse? Jorgen and Riley, come with me to the Principal’s
office." Mr. P. waddled off again, radiating disapproval at having his lunch disturbed,
Jorgen and Riley in tow, once Riley had been sick in a garden bed.

Allie picked up Kim’s bag and her own, and Kim pressed his shirt tail to his face. Great,
the nurse’s office. Hopefully the school nurse wouldn’t make him take off his white shirt.
She might just be observant enough to notice he had breasts, albeit very small ones, under
his T-shirt.

The school nurse fussed over him most satisfactorily, and didn’t make him take his shirt
off. She gave him ice packs for his face and his hand, and let him clean up a bit, then
bustled off to tend to Riley, who presumably was bleeding all over the principal’s office.

Allie went off to class when the siren went and Kim sat on the examination table in
Sickbay and swung his feet. There was a poor pale freshman with spots in sickbay, too,
but the kid was far too ill or intimidated to even ask Kim what had happened.

***

Helen pushed open the door leading to the school secretary’s office, and a very frazzled-
looking woman looked up from a mountain of what Helen recognized as absentee slips.
"Yes?" she said. "May I help you?"

"Helen Matthews, I’ve come to collect Kim. Someone rang me, presumably you. Is he
okay?"

"A bit battered," the woman said. "He’s in the detention room, not because he’s in any
trouble, but just to make sure he doesn’t get hassled again. Follow me."

Helen shifted the Martian to the other hip and followed the secretary back down a
hallway to a room with a large plate glass window onto the hallway. Through the glass,
Helen could see an assortment of kids bent over desks, including Kim.

He looked up as she came in the room, and she could see he was holding an icepack to
his face.

"Kim, your mom’s here. Remember you have to go see the principal again," the woman
said.

Kim stood up and stuffed the book he was reading into his pack. Helen could see one
hand was bandaged, too.

5

"What happened?" she said to him quietly as they followed the secretary back down to
her desk.

"S’okay, Mom, I’m not in trouble," Kim replied, and the principal’s door swung open.

Principal Lee said, "Ah, Mrs. Matthews, thanks for coming to get Kim. Perhaps we could
have a word."

Helen sat down and put the Martian on the carpet, and she slithered over to play with
Kim’s school pack.

Principal Lee said, "Unfortunately, Kim’s been involved in an incident today. Two of the
students were bullying another student and he intervened. He’s not in any trouble, there
were plenty of witnesses who saw the other students start the fight."

Helen looked sideways at Kim, who had shifted the icepack from his face to his hand. He
was studiously gazing at the carpet where the Martian was trying to chew his laces, and
Helen’s maternal radar said he was acting guilty, even if he wasn’t at fault.

The principal said, "The school has a strict anti-vilification policy, as I remember telling
you when Kim enrolled here. The other students have been suspended for a week, and if
there’s a further infraction we will be calling the police, and expelling them. If Kim
wishes to contact the police at this point, we would support him in that decision."

Helen caught sight of Kim shaking his head, then wincing. Yep, last thing he wanted was
to be further marginalized at school. Helen could quite understand that; he had three
months left to endure in this place.

"Thank you, Principal. I’ll take Kim home now." She bent down and scooped up the
Martian.

In the car, Kim stopped trying to hide his grins. Helen chuckled. "Okay, want to tell me
what really happened?"

The car chugged into life, and crept out of the visitors’ car park. Kim said, "Oh, the other
guy hit me first, I didn’t do anything wrong. It just felt so fucking good to hit him hard. I
think I felt something break. I finally floored one of the assholes who have been
tormenting me all year."

"It’s not like you to enjoy hitting someone," Helen said neutrally.

There was exultation in Kim’s voice, and he said, "I’m putting on lots of muscle, and it
really showed when I hit Riley. He just crumpled."

6

"Hon, you had an androgen shot this morning, didn’t you? Think that might be why
you’re so pleased about thumping someone?"

"Could be," Kim said. "Not that I care."

"Hmmm," Helen said. "Think we might move your shots to Saturday morning. Let’s not
have you going quite so macho at school next time."

Kim shrugged. "Sure, if you think it’d be better, but I’m still going to hit back if someone
has a go at me."

Kim opened the glove box to prop his feet on it, and pulled down the windscreen visor to
look at his face in the tiny mirror there. "Wow," he said. "I’m gonna have a black eye."

***

Marie took the murky water tumbler of wine that Helen handed her gratefully. "You look
frazzled. Want to tell me about it before we start planning the equinox ritual?"

Helen sat down at the kitchen table opposite Marie. "It’s been a shit of a day, parenting-
wise. You sure you want to hear about this?"

"Go on, tell me."

Helen looked around. Bett was safely in bed, with the door closed, and hopefully asleep.
Kim’s door was closed, too, and there was bass thumping from the speakers on his PC.
She leaned forward and said, "First up, I got called to Bett’s school. Bett had been caught
trying to photocopy Playboy in the library."

Marie stifled a laugh. "No consequences?"

"No, Bett got told off and has to produce an essay on the reason we have copyright laws.
The Playboy was someone else’s, so she didn’t get into trouble for that. Then Kim’s
school rings and asks me to go pick him up."

Marie wrinkled her brow. "Uh-oh, both kids in one day?"

Helen nodded. "Yep. Kim had been fighting. He hadn’t started it, and I gather he stood
up for one of the other queer kids at school, so he’s not actually in trouble. But, he’s got a
beautiful black eye and split cheek. You know, when he wanted to become a boy, I kind
of assumed that he wouldn’t indulge in the more obnoxious aspects of masculinity, but it
seems to be happening."

"So, what did you do?"

6

"Told Bett off, told Kim not to be so damned pleased about beating another kid to a
pulp." Helen sighed, and drank half of her glass of wine. "It’s been a long day, let’s whip
this ritual into submission."

Marie lifted her laptop out of her bag and opened it. "I’ve found a really unusual ritual.
Thought we might want to try and use some of the ideas in it."

***

Kim climbed down off the bus and hitched his backpack onto one shoulder. He stood on
the curb, waiting for the traffic lights to change so he could cross the road.

Once across, he spent a moment staring wistfully into the computer shop on the corner,
then began to four-block walk home.

He was miles away, daydreaming, when a car bipped at him and pulled up to the curb.
"Kim," someone called out, making him jump.

The car was a near-new Ford Focus and Kim leaned down and looked through the open
window at Dash. "Want a lift?" Dash asked.

"Sure," Kim said, and he opened the passenger door and tossed his pack onto the floor at
the front.

There was a stack of books and papers on the front passenger seat, so he picked them up
and climbed in, holding the books on his lap after he had slammed the door.

"Thanks," Kim said. "I can’t believe you’ve got a real car."

"As opposed to a virtual or imaginary car?" Dash started to laugh. "And that is a hell of a
black eye you’ve got there. Who’ve you been fighting?"

Kim laughed, too. "Uh, yeah, I’d kind of forgotten it was there. No, I mean a real car, you
know, that starts reliably, and doesn’t take magic to make it go."

"Ah," Dash said. "Helen’s car runs on magic?"

"Yep. Mom’s been trying to teach me to drive in it, but it really doesn’t want anyone
except her to drive it. She’s got an ‘invisible to police’ spell on it, too, to stop them from
pulling her over."

"I want one of those spells," Dash said. "I had no idea they existed. Now, tell me about
the black eye."

Kim chuckled. "Ah, yes. One of the jocks at school was hassling my friend, Allie, who’s
a dyke. We pushed each other around for a bit, then he thumped me. I hit him hard back."

6

Kim flexed his hand and held it up for Dash to glance at, showing off his bruised
knuckles. "I broke his nose," he said cheerfully. "Bastard won’t pick on us again."

Dash nodded, and then checked over his shoulder to overtake a bus that had stopped in
front of him. "Impressive. You get in much shit for it?"

"None, there were plenty of witnesses to say the other guys started it." Kim glanced down
at the books and paper in his lap, with what he guessed was an assignment at the top.
"Hey, you got an A for this."

Dash nodded. "Yep, aced that one. ‘Compare and contrast Ancient Greek democracy with
contemporary concepts of equity.’ I wandered off into Utopian philosophy, but got away
with it."

Kim flicked through the essay, raising an eyebrow at the reference list and the footnotes,
then spotted the header. "G. Vishnavee-Arnold?" he said. "Your name’s not Dash?"

"Um no," Dash said. "Gita Vishnavee-Arnold. My dad’s Anglo-Asian. I got ‘Dash’ from
the hyphen in my last name. Much easier to say and spell."

Kim nodded. "Hey, my birth certificate says Anne-Marie Pauline. I’m not gonna criticize
someone using a different name." Kim felt himself going red. "Fuck, I don’t ever tell
anyone that. Promise you won’t mention it?"

"Promise," Dash said, and he turned into Kim’s driveway.

"How come you’re here?" Kim asked as he opened the car door and put the essays and
books back onto the front seat.

"We’re doing stuff to get ready for Equinox," Dash said as Kim dragged his pack out.
"Dyeing eggs, I believe."

"Weird," Kim said, and he led the way through the side gate and in the back door of the
house.

***

Spring equinox, March 20

th

.

Sitting around the circle, drinking wine and eating the eggs they had dyed a couple of
days before, Chloe said, "You should all be glad we didn’t run with the earlier version of
the ritual. It involved a pogo stick chase with Vervain and Falcon, both wearing rabbit
ears."

Vervain said, "What?"

6

Chloe nodded. "Yep, Lady Selene and I thought we’d start the ritual with a race between
the old God and the young God. We thought you could bounce down the sidewalk in
your robes."

Falcon said, "On behalf of the males here, may I just say how relieved we are that
common sense won out and that you gave up that idea."

Chloe chuckled. "It wasn’t common sense. We could only find one pogo stick."

Vervain leaned across to Falcon. "They’re not joking, are they?"

Falcon shook his head. "Though I rather suspect this is revenge for Imbolg."

Lady Selene said, "Now, would we do something like that? Circle business before we
take the circle down? We need to think about Beltane."

Arianrhod said, "It’s a Sunday this year. Think we could have it a day early, and go to the
cabin?"

Lady Selene nodded. "We could do that. What’s the fire rating going to be like,
Arianrhod?"

"Shouldn’t be a total fire ban yet. We could have a fire in the pit."

Lady Selene nodded and looked around the circle. "I think it’s time for Vervain to try
drawing down. The Beltane Goddess is kind."

Chloe could see the concern on Vervain’s face as he looked up from his egg. "You want
me to draw down? I don’t know how to," he said.

Lady Selene smiled affectionately. "One of us will help you, and you won’t have to learn
the Charge. Somebody else can recite it for you."

Falcon leaned across and quietly said, "Were any of the wishes you put in your egg about
facing new challenges? Walking in the Lady’s path? If they were, this is part of the
process."

Vervain nodded slowly. "Okay, I can do that."

***

Beltane, April 30

th

The sky was clear and the air cool on his naked skin, despite the fire in the middle of the
circle, up in the hills, and Vervain shivered a little as Lady Selene said, "Tonight, we
celebrate the sacred union of the God and Goddess. Of old, May Day was a day of

6

marriages, celebrated by leaping the Beltane fire. There was much ribald celebration of
phallic Maypoles, which we are carefully not going into. Instead, this ritual will be about
finding our own creativity, our own passion. Sex is easy, living a rich and full life is far
more difficult.

"We will be jumping the fire later, in all the combinations in the coven, to symbolize the
bonds and vows that unite us as a coven."

Falcon picked the drum up beside him, passed the belt around his back and began to beat
it slowly and softly.

Chloe unfolded the paper she held and began to read out loud.

The volume of the drumming picked up a little, though Falcon still kept the beat slow.

Chloe slipped her arm around Vervain’s waist and squeezed. "Ready to Draw Down?"
she asked, and he nodded.

"Just keep your mind still and your heart open," Chloe said. "Hold out your arm, so you
can signify when you are drawn by dropping it."

Vervain lifted his arm out, and felt the muscles in Chloe’s back move as she lifted hers.

Lady Selene moved to stand before them, wand in her hand. She began to trace patterns,
pentagrams, in the air over them, and Vervain tried to do as Chloe suggested, still his
mind and open his heart.

Lady Selene said, "Listen now to the words of the Great Mother, who of old was
called..."

Her words slipped away from Vervain, flowing over him, sliding through him. He
became intimately aware of the earth beneath his feet, of Chloe’s arm around his waist,
her skin against his. He could feel the night air surrounding him, flowing in and out of his
lungs.

The beat of the drum became the beat of his own heart, and... something happened.

There was a deep sense of presence, not outside the circle, but within him. He was
tingling all over now, and his body felt impossibly heavy, deeply connected to the earth.
Standing up became impossible, and he dropped to his knees, Chloe’s arm tight around
him, lowering him down, and he knelt on all fours on the dirt. He felt totally and utterly
female, he could feel the Goddess heavy within him, filling his body, drawing him deeper
into the earth, and he suspected he was about to panic.

Lady Selene’s hands were strong on him, lifting him up so he was sitting, saying
"Vervain? You still with us, love?"

6

He nodded and rubbed gritty hands across his eyes. "Wow," was all he could think of to
say.

It felt like he was slowly regaining control of his body, the strange feeling of there being
someone else there too was ebbing, and Lady Selene said, "Do you think you can stand
now? So we can do the five-fold kiss?"

Vervain nodded, and hands all around him helped him to his feet.

He was relieved to discover he wasn’t rock hard, despite the long and confidential chat
he’d had with Falcon on the subject. Falcon had pretty much said, “Every time, God or
Goddess, hard-on up to my chin”. But, he wasn’t. The Goddess had saved him from that
particular embarrassment.

He stood, Chloe’s hand still safe on his back as everyone gave him the five-fold kiss, then
Chloe hugged him, and he remembered she had Drawn Down, too, or had Drawn Down
into him at least.

He sat gratefully on his folded-up robe while the circle was taken down, and Lady Selene
held out her hand to him. "Jump the fire, Vervain?" she said, and he took her hand and
they leapt over the small fire in the pit. He wound up jumping with everyone in turn,
dizzy and breathless at the end from laughing.

The consecrated wine blew his skull off, as usual, and he pulled his robe on and sat
beside the fire while Luci added extra branches. He felt weird still, all stretched out and
strange, and he shook his head to clear it and took another belt of the port.

***

Kim looked up from the book he was reading, Melissa heavy in his arms, when Helen
came into the cabin.

"She’s been awake for a while," Kim said, and Melissa lifted her head and opened sleepy
eyes and whimpered at the sight of her mom.

"There, there, sweetie," Helen murmured, taking Melissa into her arms. "Have you had a
big cry?"

Melissa sobbed again and clutched at Helen.

"I’m going to go to bed now, Kim, if you want to go off and join the others at the fire,"
Helen said.

"Are you sure?" Kim asked. "Don’t you want to go back to them?"

6

"I’m exhausted," Helen said. "You go. Just remember to get some sleep if you want to
drive back to the city tomorrow. And don’t drink so much you’re still drunk in the
morning."

"Not my style, Mom, you know that."

Helen chuckled. "Yeah, I know."

Kim made his way down the hill to where the fire was still burning in the pit, and sat
down beside Marie, who handed Kim the bottle of port.

"Has Helen gone to bed?" Luci asked.

Kim nodded. "Yeah, she’s worn out. Something about being exhausted by two hours of
my driving."

"You drove here?" Dash said. "Well done."

Kim smiled at him. "Thanks. It was the bribe to get me here. Mom agreed to let me drive
both ways if I looked after the Martian during the ritual. Sounded reasonable to me."

"Is the car running well?" Marie asked, worry in her voice.

Kim shook his head. "Nah, it’s misfiring or something. Kept faltering coming up the
hills."

"Sounds like the plugs," Dash said. "Want me to look at it before you go?"

"Could you?" Kim asked. "I don’t know much about cars, and Mom only knows how to
fix things with magic, not tools."

Dash said, "It’s beside the cabin, isn’t it? There’ll be enough light there for me to look at
it now."

Kim nodded, and then followed Dash back up the hill to the cabin.

"D’you have the keys?" Dash asked.

Kim said, "No, if we try and start it, it’ll wake Mom."

"Didn’t want to start it, just open the door to pop the hood."

"Ah," Kim said. "No problem with that, none of the doors lock anyway." He leaned in the
driver’s side and pulled the latch for the hood. Dash lifted it and propped it open.

Kim leaned over the wing of the car and said, "It’s not pretty, is it?"

6

Dash shook his head, and moved, and the outside light on the porch shone across the
motor. It was caked black with oil, both over the motor, and inside the hood, and Kim
patted the motor affectionately then wiped his hand on his jeans.

"You got a cloth or something?" Dash said. "It might run better if I cleaned up the spark
plugs."

Kim was back in a moment, and handed Dash a tattered T-shirt. "Got a plug wrench?"
Dash asked.

Kim said, "A what?" earning himself an exasperated glare from Dash.

"Hang on," Dash said, and he went into the cabin, reappearing with a set of keys in his
hand.

He opened the trunk of his own car and carried a roll of tools over to the Lincoln. "One of
these" he said, and he lifted up a widget for Kim to see.

"Oh," Kim said, and then Dash fiddled with the motor for a moment with the plug
wrench, and lifted up a bit of the motor.

"This is a spark plug. It’s supposed to generate a spark to ignite the fuel air mixture in the
chamber. Unless it’s coated in oil, like this one."

Kim watched Dash clean all of the spark plugs. He undid the big round thing at the top,
tutting over it, and lifted it off. "This is the air filter. Its purpose is to filter the air, not to
collect the oil spraying up from the motor. You do know to put more oil in the motor?"

Kim nodded. "Every time we drive it, we gotta pour oil in the top of the motor until the
light on the dashboard goes off. Mom buys oil every week from the supermarket."

"Okay, that’s about all I can do at the moment. Just keep topping the oil and water up,
every time you drive it."

Dash fiddled with things for a bit more, putting back the air filter. Then he wiped his
hands on the cloth and slammed the hood back down again.

Kim clambered up onto it and leaned back against the windshield, and Dash hitched
himself up onto the hood, too, beside Kim.

Kim closed his eyes for a moment, so the porch light shone red through his eyelids, and
when he opened them Dash was staring at him.

"Wassup?" Kim asked Dash.

6

"Just feeling weird tonight."

Kim chuckled. "Oh yeah, that’s gonna happen if you dance around naked in the forest
doing magic."

Kim closed his eyes again for a moment, and managed not to jump off the car when Dash
touched fingertips to Kim’s cheek and slid them down to his neck.

"What the fuck are you doing, Dash?" Kim said, holding very still.

"What does it feel like?" Dash asked, and Kim could hear genuine curiosity in his voice.

Realization dawned. "You fuckers have been smoking joints again, haven’t you? You’re
all wasted, and you didn’t save any for me."

"No," Dash said, his fingers rubbing across the stubble on Kim’s cheek. "What does it
feel like to take hormones? Why do you do it?"

Dash’s voice was quiet and serious, he didn’t sound at all stoned now. Kim reached up
and caught his hand and moved it to the hood. "Exactly how much of my personal space
do you intend invading?" Kim asked.

Dash didn't apologize, just stared at Kim in the light from the cabin porch. "Will you tell
me?"

Kim thought about just plain bolting for the cabin, but running for Mommy would look
so uncool. Besides, he didn’t think Dash was actually hitting on him, not after the last
time. Maybe Dash just wanted to know.

"Taking androgens is fucking fantastic," Kim said. "I feel so strong and certain on them.
Now, every moment of every day isn’t about being in the wrong body. It’s not perfect,
but it’s miles better than before. I’ve got muscles in the right places, I shave, it’s all
fucking wonderful. Pretty much like it must be to actually be in the right body from the
beginning."

Kim grinned to himself. It was wonderful. Between the prosthesis and the weird thing
Aunty Marie had given him, he didn’t think he even minded too much not having a cock.
And, yeah, if his clit kept growing the way it was, he wasn’t going to need a new cock at
all.

Dash was silent for far too long, and Kim said, "Um, I’m baring my soul here. Are you
actually listening? Are you sure you’re not fucking wasted?"

Dash nodded. "Yeah, I’m listening. I was just trying to imagine what it would feel like.
When did you first know you were male?"

6

"When did you first know you were gay?" Kim asked back. "I can remember back to a
time when I felt quite happy. But, by the time I started school, I wanted to be a boy.
Luckily, Mom went with the whole tomboy, living-in-jeans, not-restricting-my-behavior-
with-gender thing, so I did okay until I was about twelve. After that, things got really
ugly, I think because I finally found the words to explain how I felt, and because all my
friends started wearing skirts and growing tits. So, when did you know you were gay?"

Dash nodded. "I was ten. One of the girls kissed me at school and I was horrified. Then I
realized I was supposed to like it. Wasn’t a big jump from that to wanting to kiss other
boys. Puberty made it certain. Much locker room ogling of guys followed by frantic
jerking-off."

Kim crossed his arms and looked up at the stars. Even with the porch light shining, the
stars were far brighter there than in LA.

Dash looked up, too. "Okay, I’ve confessed to adolescent jerking-off fantasies. Will you
tell me how come you slept with girls? Because I can’t figure that one out."

"Me either," Kim said. "I tried being a dyke for a while. I guess I kind of hoped it would
help. And I was just plain lonely and horny. Usual adolescent stuff. But, it wasn’t much
fun, and it certainly didn’t help all the feelings of misery about being the wrong gender.
There I was, a girl fucking girls, when what I wanted to be was a guy fucking guys."

When Kim looked back at Dash, he was gazing back, and looking confused. "You really
thought it would help?"

Kim shrugged. "I was desperate enough to try just about anything that didn’t involve
actually telling Mom. It was just stupid of me."

"It wasn’t stupid," Dash said quietly. "I can’t imagine you ever doing anything stupid."

Kim snorted. "You’ve got to be kidding. And here I was, thinking that you had some kind
of personal ‘Kim stupidity field’ around you that inspires me to new and agonizing feats
of personal revelation and humiliation."

Dash laughed along with Kim. "Oh yeah, like I wasn’t stupid when you came out to me?
I still owe you an apology for that. I’m sorry I freaked out. It was pretty vile of me."

"It’s okay," Kim said. "I forgave you ages ago. It was a pretty big thing to just drop on
you, especially under the circumstances. I’m going to go to bed now." Kim slid off the
hood of the car. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Kim," Dash said, and Kim nodded and went indoors.

When Kim brushed his teeth, his face in the mirror still had smudges of engine grease
from Dash’s fingers on it.

7

***

Marie hitched herself onto the car hood beside Dash. "Are you okay?" she asked, making
him open his eyes.

"Yeah," he said slowly. "I think I am. I still feel weird from the drawing down. Like the
edges of me are blurry or something, like I’m absorbing the world around me through my
pores."

Marie nodded. "Drawing down is different for each person, but it is a profoundly life-
changing experience. Kind of like letting your mother into the deepest recesses of your
mind, and letting her rummage around."

Dash grimaced. "Not good."

"It is good," Marie said. "It’s what we become witches for, to find out these things about
ourselves. To join ourselves to the creative forces of the universe, let them into our lives
and minds."

Dash nodded, and Marie said, "Go to bed, let the Goddess speak to you in your dreams
tonight. Listen for her voice." Marie clambered down off the hood. "Good night, Dash."

"Good night, Marie."

***

Dash woke up as someone opened the screen door to the cabin and crept onto the
decking. It was bright with sunlight through the trees, and sleeping on the deck didn’t
seem as smart as it had last night, not with the light blinding him. He rolled over, partly
to get the sun out of his eyes, partly to see who was up so early.

Kim was leaning against the railing of the decking, the Martian in his arms. He was
cooing to her quietly, and Dash could catch some of words.

"Trees... say trees. Trees are green and brown and blue and yellow... cookie... hungry..."

It took Dash a while to realize that Kim was wearing nothing except boxers and a shirt.
Tight boxers. How tight became obvious when Kim crouched down to put the Martian on
the deck.

Dash’s intellect wasn’t getting a word in, obviously, as his early-morning body fixated on
the pretty gay boy now crawling around the deck on all fours, chasing the Martian as she
tried to roll off the edge.

7

Kim was gorgeous, there was no getting around that, and Dash narrowed his eyes further
so he could watch Kim play with Melissa surreptitiously. He probably shouldn’t be doing
it, at least not doing it and enjoying it so much, but the sight of Kim sprawled on his belly
now on the deck was fuelling all sorts of fantasies for Dash.

He rolled over again. The Goddess was going to have Things To Say to him about this,
he could just feel it.

***

Kim pumped the accelerator twice, hard, then turned the key in the ignition, and the car
kicked over, albeit reluctantly.

"Huzzah," Helen said under her breath. She leaned out the window and said, "Thanks,
Dash. It never starts on the first go. You sure you’re okay to follow us back into the city?
I’m certain we’ll get home, especially now it’s started."

"No problem," Dash said, and he bent over further. "Don’t panic, Kim, I’m going to sit
about a quarter mile back from you, so I won’t be watching every move you make."

Kim grinned at Dash. "Thanks. I’m nervous enough as it is."

7

Chapter 6

Kim looked up from the couch as Helen opened the front door. "Dash!" she said. "Good
to see you. Come on in."

Kim swung his feet down onto the rug and sat up to nod at Dash.

"Hi, Helen, Kim. I’ve come to fix your car." He held up a plastic carry bag with ‘Crazy
Mac’s Auto Parts’ written on it. "I think some really basic stuff will make it run better."

Helen beamed at Dash. "That is so thoughtful of you. Thank you very much. Let me give
you the money for the parts at least."

Dash said, "You really don’t need to."

Helen shook her head. "Yes, I do." She pulled her wallet out and pushed a bill into his
hand. "It’s sweet enough of you to fix the car. I insist."

Kim said, "Don’t fight it, Dash."

"There is one condition," Dash said.

"Oh?" said Helen. "You can stay to dinner if you want, if that’s it."

"Um, no, but thanks for the offer. I want Kim to learn how to do the work, too, so he can
fix it next time."

"Great idea," Helen said, and Kim scrambled to his feet from the couch.

"Yep, I’m with you on that."

***

Kim walked Dash out to his car, and Dash smiled at him in the light from the streetlamp.
"I could come back next weekend," he said. "We could clean the carburetor out properly,
reseat the jets, if you want to."

"That would be good," Kim said. "Not that I have any idea what you’re talking about."

"Do you think your mom would let me take you out for driving practice?" Dash asked,
unlocking his car with the remote. "It’d have to be in her car, this one isn’t insured for
anyone apart from me to drive."

Kim grinned, creasing his cheeks. "I’ll ask her. She can’t possibly be worried about
damage to the car, so I can’t see why she’d object. And it would stop me from bugging
her about it."

7

***

The carburetor was spread out in bits on sheets of newspaper and Dash poked at the
flutter valve. "Don’t think this has ever been cleaned. How long’s your mom had this
car?"

Kim looked up from where he was rubbing away at the housing with a rag dipped in
degreasing fluid. "Um, as long as I can remember. She calls it the spoils of war from her
relationship with my dad. Guess as long as she’s had me."

Dash nodded. "And it’s never been touched?"

Kim frowned. "Simon, Bett’s dad, used to do work on it. I can remember that, but he’s
been gone for four years now. So, nobody’s done anything for four years."

The Martian crawled in and pulled herself upright on Kim’s chair.

"Hi, honey," Kim said, and Dash could see Melissa patting Kim’s leg.

"Truncheon knee," the Martian said, and Kim stood up after carefully transferring
Melissa’s grip to the side of the chair with greasy hands.

"Sure," Kim said, and he used a tea towel to open a tin and lift out a cookie. "One of
these?" Kim asked Melissa.

"Parrot," she said back, and Kim handed her the cookie, using the tea towel.

The Martian took it and stuffed it into her mouth, still standing up on the chair, and Kim
sat back down again, leaving the greasy tea towel on the bench.

"What’s this bit?" he asked Dash, holding up a round plunger with a ring of leather on it.

"That’s the flange. There’s a knack to getting it back in its seat, I’ll show you how when
we reassemble. Have you got some fine wire or something that I can clean the jets with?"
Dash held up the first of the two jets.

"Fuse wire?" Kim asked. "Would that do?"

"Should be fine enough," Dash said, and Kim stood up again and disappeared out of the
back door.

The Martian crawled across to Dash now Kim was gone, and pulled herself upright on his
chair, cookie wedged firmly in her mouth. She was grubby, not just from where Kim had
touched her, but all over, covered in lint and grass stains and soggy cookie, and she
looked up at Dash with big blue eyes.

7

Dash said, "Hello, little one. Would you like to learn to fix the car, too?"

She took the cookie out of her mouth with one hand, clutching unsteadily onto the chair
with the other still and said, "Boston."

Kim sat back down and handed Dash the fuse wire, and he snapped a length off and
threaded it through both sets of jets.

Half an hour later, Dash leaned back in the rickety kitchen chair. "Right, think we’re
ready to reassemble. Watch, I’ll show you how to seat the flange again." Dash rolled a
piece of sturdy paper into a tube and slid it around the leather flange, then pushed the
tube into the seat, and slipped the paper out. "That would take you hours of fiddling.
Let’s get this rebuilt, then we’ll take it out for a drive."

Kim said, "Can I drive?"

Dash laughed. "Sure. We’ll just toss the toolkit in the back, in case I don’t get the mix
right at idle."

Kim looked blankly at Dash. "In English?"

"Okay," Dash explained, "The mix is the mixture of fuel and air as set by this spring
loaded screw here, which sits in the side of the housing. It adjusts the valve here, this flat
circle thing, which controls the air flow in. When you pull the choke out on a cold
morning, that pulls the valve closed, literally choking off the air flow to the motor. If I set
the mixture so the car idles well, it should be right, but it’s possible that when we open
her up on the freeway, the mix will be too lean or too rich, and I’ll want to adjust it
again."

Kim’s eyes widened. "Open her up? Freeway?" He grinned. "I’m going to like this."

The car flew, at least as much as a thirty year old Lincoln with a blown head gasket
could, and Dash sat half-twisted in his seat so he could watch the traffic behind them.

Kim was competent behind the wheel, if a little surprised to get the car into top gear and
over forty, and Dash wasn’t worried about his driving abilities. He’d been fine, even
merging onto Highway 405 smoothly. It was late Sunday afternoon, so the traffic wasn’t
bad, not that Dash would ever take a car with a blown head gasket into heavy traffic. This
beast would cook if they tried to sit and idle in it.

He leaned forward, and checked out the temperature gauge. It was sitting high, at the
three quarter mark. Not bad, but Dash wouldn’t risk running it up into the hills either. He
had no idea how Kim and Helen managed to coax the car to the cabin and back
repeatedly. Magic, it had to be magic.

7

He got Kim to switch onto Highway 10, and they ran down to the coast. The temperature
gauge dropped some more once they were running along the coast in the cooler air.

"Want a break?" Dash said. "There’s a Stuffer Shack, want to pull in and we’ll grab some
food? And when the car’s cooled down, I’ll top the water up again."

Kim flicked the indicator on to turn off of Ocean Avenue onto Marguerita Avenue and in
beside the 7-11 Dash had pointed to.

The car was hissing faintly when Kim turned the ignition off. "Hissing is good," Dash
said, popping the hood. "Means there’s water, and there’s some pressure still. Let’s grab
food, and I gotta take a leak, too."

He slammed the hood down again and walked into the 7-11, Kim behind him.

Kim followed him into the Gents and Dash admired the kid’s cool. Admiration turned
into frank disbelief when Kim undid his jeans and rummaged around for a moment, then
leaned forward and pissed beside Dash.

Looking was totally against the rules, however insanely curious Dash was to work out
how the hell Kim had done it. So he shook, did himself up, and washed his hands, and
strolled out into the shop. He sure as hell wouldn’t have known Kim wasn’t a guy under
his jeans if Kim hadn’t told him, and asking anything seemed unbearably rude. Especially
after having freaked out before.

They bought Cheetos and Red Bulls, and sat on the hood of the car as it ticked beneath
them, cooling. Kim asked questions, about car maintenance and college life, and Dash
discovered Kim thought organized competitive team sports were an institutionalized form
of mind control.

"Yeah," Kim said. "You know, get people all hyped up about the Superbowl or whatever,
and maybe they won’t notice they’re miserable."

"All sports?"

"Think how much time people spend talking about baseball, as if it actually matters. Or
watching tennis on TV. I guess I’ve got no in-principle problems with community level
sports competitions, like kiddie swimming. I just think anything that you follow, rather
than play yourself, is empty space in your life."

Dash laughed. "Remind me to take you to my parents’ place for Superbowl. You could
try and persuade Dad to this point of view."

"See? How could anyone get hyped up about a bunch of not very bright guys in armor
chasing a ball? What are your parents like?" Kim asked.

7

"Hmm, kind of driven. Mom’s a doctor, Dad runs an engineering company, just a small
one. Nothing at all like your mom. I had a sister, too, but she died a few years ago."

"I’m sorry," said Kim. "That must have been devastating."

"It was, but it stopped my parents from playing out their middle class fantasies through
their kids. They pretty much decided then that if I wanted to do a pointless degree,
instead of something that would lead to a career, I could." Dash patted Kim’s hand where
it rested on the hood. "Let’s put some more water in the beast and head back."

"Sure."

When the car was parked back on its patch of oil-soaked dead lawn outside Kim’s house,
and Dash was leaning over the motor, tweaking the mixture yet again, Kim slid an arm
around his waist and hugged him. Dash stood up, and hugged Kim back.

"I’m sorry ’bout your sister. I can’t imagine how much you must miss her."

"Thanks," Dash said. "Now, go and start the car again for me, see if I got the idle right."

***

Greg was hunched over his PC and didn’t look up when Dash threw his jacket on his own
bed and collapsed down onto it.

"You smell like petrol again. Still working on your friend’s car?" Greg asked.

"Yep, did the carburetor today." Dash sat down at his own PC and switched it on, and
looked across at Greg. "Um, Greg, could I borrow some of your porn?"

Greg looked up from his keyboard. "My porn? I’m not going to have anything except het
smut."

"That’s what I want." Dash felt himself turning red. "If that’s okay?"

Greg chuckled and opened his desk drawer. "You planning on changing teams and
screwing girls? I’m never gonna get laid if you chase girls, I really don’t need the
competition." He held out a stack of discs.

Dash took them and said, "Not really changing teams, just wanna, you know, have a
look."

Greg shook his head. "You’re weird."

Dash said, "Thanks, I kinda knew that."

7

He slid one of the CDs of images into the drive, and leaned back in his chair and began to
flick through the files. This was fucking crazy, but if he was going to wind up fucking
Kim after all, and he was pretty sure he wanted to, then he’d better have a look to see
what he’d be dealing with.

***

Dash knocked nervously on the front door of Helen’s house. He could hear the TV
playing, but it wasn’t on loud, so that probably meant the smaller kids were in bed.

Helen opened the door and smiled at him. "Dash? I wasn’t expecting you. Come on in."

"I wanted to talk to you privately," Dash said. "Can we do that?"

Helen looked puzzled. "Coven stuff? We can go out the front then. No one will
overhear."

"Not coven stuff," Dash said, after he had leaned against the side of his car, and Helen
had sat on the wing of hers. "’Bout Kim."

Helen crossed her arms. "What about Kim?"

Dash’s courage was failing him, but he was stuck with continuing. "I want to ask him out,
but didn’t want to do it without you knowing."

"Ask him out?" Helen said coldly. "As in a date?"

Dash nodded. "Yeah, a date. After what happened last time, I don’t want to fuck anything
up this time."

Helen stood up, and Dash began to suspect he had made yet another mistake. "Do you
know what happened last time?" she demanded. "Do you have any idea how much
damage you did?"

Dash cringed mentally. "Um, no."

"I had a suicidal kid on my hands because of whatever it was you said to him. No way are
you going anywhere near him again, ever. If that’s what all this hanging around has been
about, then don’t you dare come close to Kim again. I won’t have you just playing with
him for your own amusement. Now go."

Helen’s voice was icy cold now, full of the steel he had seen in her in the circle, and Dash
nodded. There wasn’t much he could do or say, certainly no way he could argue or reason
with her. Guilt at having hurt Kim in the first place struck him hard, and he swallowed,
and opened his car door.

7

Any ideas he had about being an adult were gone, he wanted to cry like a kid now, just
because somebody had told him off. And because he’d completely fucked any chance of
getting close to Kim.

***

Kim called out, "C’min," when his mom knocked on the door, and looked back at the
screen, hitting ‘save’. "Hey," he said.

His mom had her ‘serious’ face on, so Kim swung his chair around to see her more
clearly. "Wassup?" he asked.

She sat on his bed, and Kim tried to run through what he might possibly have done wrong
in his head, just to try and get some kind of defense together.

She was quiet, looking like she was trying to find words, and Kim began to get more and
more worried. "Mom?" he said.

"Dash just came around," she said finally.

Kim frowned. It was kinda odd that Dash hadn’t stuck his head in to see Kim, but it must
have been coven stuff.

"He won’t be back. I’ve asked him not come around and work on the car anymore, or to
take you driving."

Kim felt his stomach lurch. "Why? What’s he done wrong?"

Helen’s face went gentle and comforting. "He was pursuing you, love. He wanted my
permission to ask you out. I’m sure you didn’t know, and I’ve put an end to it. He won’t
be troubling you anymore."

Kim’s mouth dropped open. "What?"

"If he pesters you online or by phone, just let me know, and I’ll make sure he stops. Now,
go back to your paper." Helen stood up and patted Kim’s shoulder. "You’ll be fine," she
said, and she opened the door and walked out, closing it quietly behind her.

Go back to his paper? Kim didn’t think there was much chance of that. Dash wanted to
ask him out? He liked Kim? Really liked him?

Kim threw himself on the bed and hugged his pillow. Dash liked him enough to want to
ask him out. Then realization hit. And his mom had sent Dash away and told him not to
come back.

7

Wide-eyed delight was replaced with righteous fury. What right did his mom have?
Which bit of being over the age of consent hadn’t she gotten hold of?

Right, he was going to sort this out, with Mom and with Dash. He leaped off the bed and
went to grab his wallet. Okay. Best not to go try find Dash on campus in school clothes,
no way would he be able to talk anyone into letting him into Dykstra Hall like that.

He dragged his school uniform off, and pulled on jeans and a plain shirt, and stuffed his
feet into boots.

Mom first.

She was sitting on the couch with her feet up, watching ‘Law and Order’ when he
checked, and he decided he didn’t really want a screaming match with her right then.
There was going to be one later for sure, so it could all wait. He grabbed the car keys
from the hook in the kitchen, and slammed out of the back door.

The car started first go, for a change, and his mom came running out of the front door
shouting at him and waving her arms, and he dropped the car into first gear and took off.

When he checked the rear vision mirror, she was standing in the middle of the road, still
shouting at him to stop, he could hear her over the motor.

He turned the corner, grinding the car back into second, and then out again, and the
enormity of what he had just done began to hit him.

He had up and taken his mom’s car. And he didn’t have a driver’s license. He began to
smile. He’d gotten away with it, too.

It was late enough that evening classes were obviously over, as he had no problem getting
a parking space reasonably close to the hall, though he really hoped that there weren’t
parking inspectors still around; the car park he was in was clearly labeled ‘Staff’.

Getting into Dykstra Hall wasn’t hard either. He just hung around the main doors until
someone came along who lived there. "Can you let me in?" he asked the young woman in
sweats and jogging shoes.

"Sure," she said. "Do you know where you’re going to?"

Kim shook his head. "I’m looking for Dash Vishnavee-Arnold. Do you know what floor
he’s on?"

The girl shook her head, flopping her braids around. "What’s he look like."

Kim blushed a little. "Cute, gay, wears eyeliner."

8

The girl’s eyes lit up. "I know who you mean. Gets around in a trench coat. He is cute.
He’s on the floor above me. That’s the fifth floor."

"Thanks," Kim said, and he followed the girl into the elevator.

"Have fun," the girl said when the elevator doors opened at her floor, and Kim nodded.

"Thanks again."

Finding Dash’s room involved wandering around the corridor until someone appeared
from a bathroom. When he asked them, they pointed at the end of the corridor and said,
"Five Seventeen."

Kim’s heart was pounding in his chest when he knocked on the door, and Dash opened it
immediately. All of a sudden, Kim had no idea what to say.

Dash wrapped his arms around Kim and hugged him. "Your mom rang me. She thought
you’d be heading here," he said against Kim’s hair. "At least you made it safely."

Someone cleared his throat and said, "I’m going to go watch TV in Jilly’s room for an
hour," and pushed past them.

Dash said, "Thanks, Greg," and pulled Kim into the room and closed the door, still
keeping one arm around him. "You need to call your mom, she was going crazy with
worry about you driving alone," he said. "Here’s my cell."

Kim shook his head. "No way."

Dash’s hand was gentle on Kim’s face. "Let me call her, let her know you’re alright.
Then I’m going to kiss you, and I have no intention of stopping for a long long time."

Kim went pink, and Dash pushed a button on his cell. It was answered almost
immediately and he said, "Helen, this is Dash. Kim’s here, and he's unhurt."

Kim could hear his mom’s voice, tinny over the cell phone, and her panic was quite clear.

"No problem," Dash said. "I’ll bring him back later on."

He switched his phone off and dropped it onto his desk, one hand still firmly wrapped
around the back of Kim’s neck. "I have to bring you and the car back safely, I promised."

Kim said, "Oh," and Dash lowered his mouth to Kim’s.

8

Chapter 7

Kim kissed back, responding to Dash’s lips, sliding his arms around Dash’s shoulders,
pulling them close together, making tiny noises in his throat at the sheer fucking ecstasy
of kissing Dash unreservedly.

Dash walked Kim backward to the bed and guided him down, lying beside him, all
without breaking the kiss. Kim began to touch Dash everywhere he could reach, running
his hands over Dash’s back, the bare skin of his arms, his neck and into his hair.

Dash was touching Kim, too, stroking his arms, touching his neck, sliding under the hem
of Kim’s T-shirt. He pulled back from the kiss, mouth wet and open, and whispered, "I
don’t know how to touch you. You’ll have to tell me."

Kim whimpered as Dash’s fingertips brushed over ribs. "Just not..." He swallowed. "Not
where my breasts are."

Dash nodded and lowered his mouth to Kim’s neck and sucked on the skin gently as his
hand slid across Kim’s ribs and under his back, pressing their bodies closer together.

Kim closed his eyes with relief. He’d said the word ‘breasts’ and Dash hadn’t run away,
then Dash’s hand slid inside the waist of his jeans at the back and cupped his ass though
his boxers, and Kim moaned out loud.

Dash’s cock was pressed against Kim’s hip, hard and insistent through the layers of
clothing between them, and Kim ground his hips back, urged on by Dash’s hand cupping
his buttock.

Dash was breathing hard, too, and he murmured against Kim’s ear, "I want to make you
come. Show me how?"

Kim nodded and reached down and grabbed Dash’s leg, pushing his thigh harder against
Kim’s crotch. "Like that," Kim gasped, and Dash kissed him hard, and pressed his leg
solidly against Kim’s body.

The pressure pushed Kim’s latex prosthetic balls against his clit hard, and Kim
whimpered. It wasn’t quite as intense as if he just touched himself, but the ache building
in Kim’s groin made it clear that it was going to be more than enough to make him come,
and quickly.

Dash’s hand moved up his back from his ass, scratching lightly, gripping his ribs, and
Kim moaned into Dash’s open mouth. "Fuck... yes..."

Then he was coming hard and sharp, grinding up against Dash’s leg, tiny fragments of
light rushing through his body, coalescing in his groin as he groaned and panted, Dash’s
voice urging him on, whispering, "Yes... come for me... let me watch you, lovely..."

8

When Kim opened his eyes again, Dash was stroking his cheek, and his eyes were soft.
"Wow. I just knew you’d be amazing."

Kim would have blushed, if he wasn’t already bright pink from coming. "You thought
that?" he asked.

Dash nodded, and said, "Would you mind if I took care of myself?"

Kim shook his head, and his cheeks were burning. "Um... do you want me to, you
know..."

Dash kissed Kim gently. "No, you just lie there."

He leaned across Kim and grabbed a handful of tissues from box on the head board, then
rolled a little more onto his side and carefully unzipped his jeans.

Kim’s eyes were fixed on Dash’s cock as he pulled it free of his clothing, and Kim
swallowed hard. Sure, he’d fantasized about sex with Dash. A lot. But his imagination
hadn’t filled in the details of exactly how gorgeous Dash’s cock would be. His
imagination had never wrapped Dash’s own hand around the shaft, jerking quickly over
the skin, never made the head quite the right shade of purple.

Then there was Dash, grunting a little as he stroked, pausing to spit into his own hand,
holding his hand out for Kim to spit into, too.

The thought of his saliva on Dash’s cock did wonderful things to Kim, and he fumbled
with the fly of his own jeans, pushing a hand into his boxers, working his fingers
carefully around his prosthesis so as not to dislodge it, and finding his own clit.

Kim had a moment of panic at what he was doing. What if Dash just plain didn’t want
anything to do with Kim that way? He looked anxiously at Dash, who was grinning at
him with half-closed eyes as he stroked hard.

Dash said, "Yeah, touch yourself, babe," so Kim did, eyes flickering between Dash’s face
and his cock as Kim worked one fingertip carefully over his clit. He was hypersensitive
from having come before, so the lightest touch screamed through his body, then Dash
grabbed for the tissues and groaned and began to come into the bunched up tissues.

Kim came too, softer and longer than the first time, and while he was lying trembling on
the bed, still coming down from the rush, Dash rested his head on Kim’s shoulder and
slid his arm around him to hug him.

"Fuck," Dash said. "That was so good."

8

Kim worked his fingers out of his own crotch. "Yeah." He hugged Dash back. "I didn’t
know."

"Know what?" Dash asked, nuzzling at Kim’s neck.

"Know you wanted to do that... that you wanted me. What happened to change your
mind?" Kim asked, closing his eyes and smiling to himself.

Dash kissed Kim’s temple gently. "I tried denial, and it sucked. So I tried thinking about
it. There’re decent books in the library here because of the Queer Studies units. Then I
watched you rolling around on the deck at Beltane in the morning."

"You were awake?" Kim asked.

"Yeah, I was awake and horny, and you looked so fucking good, and I decided to stop
pretending to myself and to try and get to know you."

Kim swallowed. "Um, if you’re not okay with me not being, um, anatomically male... I’ll
understand. There’s still plenty we can do, or at least that I can think of."

Dash lifted his head, and tipped Kim’s chin up with his fingers to see Kim’s eyes. "Right
at this moment, I don’t think I’m going to have any problems. Beltane proved that you
turn me on as much as any man who was born male, tonight hasn’t changed my mind.
We’ll go slowly and figure it out. You’re going to have to help me out though, tell me
what to do. Think you can do that?"

"Yeah," Kim said, and the affection in Dash’s eyes melted him further. "I’ve never been
with a guy before, so you’ll have to tell me what to do."

"Guess we’re even then," Dash said, and kissed Kim long and slow.

After Dash had lifted his mouth from Kim’s with a slow, wet sound, Kim went to do his
jeans up again and Dash stilled his hands. "I just have to know, is this what you were
wearing the other day?"

Kim held his breath as Dash’s fingers touched his prosthesis. It seemed so utterly
intimate, far more than anything they had actually done. "Um, no. I can’t piss out of this
one."

Dash’s fingers were gentle. "Wow, it’s incredibly life like. Is it glued to you?"

Kim nodded, then held his breath when Dash leaned down and took his prosthesis into his
mouth and sucked on it. "Fuck," Kim breathed.

Dash crawled back up Kim’s body. "Mmm," he said against Kim’s ear. "Have you got a
hard one, too?"

8

A shiver ran over Kim. "No, I guess I can get one..."

Dash bit gently on his ear. "Good."

"Oh, fuck," Kim whispered. "You want me to fuck you?"

Dash’s lips were moving across the whorl of Kim’s ear. "Yeah," he whispered. "When
you’re ready, I’d love that."

Kim had no idea what to say again, so he kissed Dash hard.

There was a knock on the door, and Dash said, "Give us a bit of time, Greg."

A muffled voice said, "Okay," and Dash did his fly back up and gathered up the tissues
he’d used.

"Back in a moment. Do me a favor and open the window for me, so it doesn’t smell like
we’ve been fucking like bunnies," Dash said, and he kissed Kim quickly.

Kim did his jeans up in a hurry and scrambled off the bed to crank the window open just
as Dash unlocked the door and disappeared out to get rid of the tissues.

Dash’s room mate came in as Dash left, and sat at his PC. "I’m Greg," he said. "You must
be Kim. Good to meet you."

Kim sat on Dash’s bed, acutely aware that it was far more rumpled than it had been
before.

"Yeah, I’m Kim. Um, thanks for that."

"No problem. Theoretically we both get to have the room to ourselves when we need it.
Dash uses it far more than I do. I must admit I’m glad to see you’re a guy. I had thought
he was planning on branching out when he borrowed my straight porn."

Kim went bright red, and was intensely relieved when Dash pushed the door open again.
"Okay, Kim, I should take you home," he said.

Kim nodded and stood up. "Um nice to meet you, Greg," he said, and he followed Dash
down the hallway.

"You borrowed Greg’s porn?" Kim asked as they got into the elevator.

Dash slid his arm around Kim’s shoulder and hugged him. "Yeah. Thought I’d better
have a look at the landscape, so to speak."

8

Kim looked up at Dash. "Um, I look nothing like some bimbo porn star that shaves
herself completely, not with the amount of androgens I take."

The elevator stopped at the next floor and the girl who had let Kim into the building got
in. She smiled at Kim, and looked Dash over. "See you found him then?" she said to
Kim.

Kim smiled back. "Yeah, thanks for that."

Dash just tightened his fingers around Kim’s shoulder and smiled at him until the
elevator doors opened at the main entrance.

In the car park, Dash kissed Kim again before opening the driver’s door. "I’d better kiss
you now, because I suspect that your mom will be waiting for you."

Kim winced. "Thanks, I’d been trying to forget that bit."

Dash parked the Lincoln in its usual place on the dead patch of grass and reached out and
squeezed Kim’s hand. "You’ve got my cell number," he said, and Kim nodded. "If you’re
under house arrest and can’t use the phone, I’ll sit in chat tomorrow evening."

Kim said, "Yeah, I have no idea how much trouble I’m in." Kim looked out of the
windshield, to where Marie was walking down the drive. "Marie’s here. I have to go."

Dash squeezed his hand one last time. "Yeah."

Marie kissed Kim’s cheek when he got out of the car, then hugged Dash quickly. "I’ll
take you home in a moment, just let me talk to Kim for a moment."

"Thanks, Marie. I thought I’d have to get a taxi," Dash said, and Marie took Kim’s arm
and walked him up the driveway a little. "Kim, honey, your mother is furious with you.
I’ve talked her down as much as I can, but you’re still in for a rough time."

"Thanks, Aunty Marie. For everything."

Marie hugged Kim. "I guess you and Dash have sorted things out then."

Kim ducked his head out of embarrassment.

"Ah, I can see you blushing, that’s answer enough. Now, go on indoors and let me take
your boyfriend home."

"Thanks, Aunty Marie," Kim said, and Marie kissed his cheek again and reached into her
purse for her keys.

8

Kim waited until Marie and Dash had climbed into Marie’s car, then opened the screen
door and pushed the front door open. Helen was sitting at the kitchen table, mug of coffee
in her hands, and Kim poured himself a mug too and sat down opposite her.

"Kim," she said, and Kim just knew by the tone of her voice this was going to be bad.

"Mom, I’m sorry for taking off like that."

"Sorry?" Helen said. "Sorry? Sorry doesn’t come close to covering it. You take the car,
without permission, without a license. You don’t tell me where you are going or when
you are coming back."

Kim nodded. There didn’t seem any point in denying any of it, or trying to explain
anything.

"Sitting there, smug as anything, covered in bite marks, is not helping your case," Helen
said, and Kim’s hand went involuntarily to his neck. Bite marks? Oh, fuck. Though that
was something he could defend.

"Mom, I’m more than old enough to be coming home with bite marks. I’m eighteen, old
enough to take full dose androgens, old enough to have sex."

"I don’t think that arguing your maturity is a good option at the moment, Kim," Helen
said icily, and Kim cringed at her tone.

"I’m sorry I took the car. I won’t do it again, I promise."

"Contrite is good," Helen said. "And you are grounded, beyond any recognition, for a
week. You can damn well wait to see Dash again."

"No," Kim said, pushing himself to his feet. "I’m not doing that. I’m eighteen! Old
enough! You’re supposed to be happy for me that I’ve finally found someone that likes
me and wants me. What is it you told me to say? ‘Get your morals off my body’? I am
not surrendering control of my own life to you, no matter how angry you are."

Helen was standing, too, leaning forward, hands resting on the table. Kim could see the
struggle she was having controlling her temper. "You little brat," she said. "How dare
you? You do something as horrendous as stealing the car and driving without a license,
then think you can make this about whether you control your body?"

"So punish me for taking the car, make me do stuff, refuse to take me on driving practice
or whatever, but you are not going to stop me from seeing Dash."

Helen’s eyes narrowed, and she paused, and Kim could see her thinking. She nodded, and
sat down slowly. "Sit down, Kim."

8

Kim sat back down, and sipped his coffee. "What happens now?" Kim asked.

"Shush, for once, and let me think."

Kim sat quietly. He couldn’t read his mom’s face anymore. She still looked angry, but
kind of distracted and thoughtful as well.

Distracted was good.

"Hmm," she finally said. "You are still in trouble for the whole car thing. No driving
lessons from me or anyone else, including Dash, for a month, you can wait that bit longer
to get your license. You get to clean the beast out on Saturday, and wash it. And I expect
a reasonably civilized standard of behavior. Don’t expect to go out on school nights, or
do anything else that will affect your chances of getting into college next year. And you
can tell Dash that I want to talk to him."

Kim let out the breath he had been holding. "Okay." There wasn’t anything in there that
he was willing to argue over, not under the circumstances. He didn’t envy Dash. His
mom was probably going to want to talk to him about safe sex or something. "Can I go to
bed now?" he asked, standing up.

Helen nodded and stood up and held her arms out.

Kim hugged her and she said, "You terrified me, little one. I thought I was going to lose
you."

Kim nodded and hugged her back. "I was fine."

"Go to bed," she said, and Kim let go of her and went and pushed his bedroom door open.
Helen was sitting back at the kitchen table, coffee in her hands, when he looked back.
She looked exhausted.

In his room, Kim kicked his boots off without unlacing them and flopped down on his
bed, and pulled his wallet out. He had fifty four dollars and twenty cents left from his
birthday money, which was hopefully enough for a strap-on. Fuck. Asking his mom to go
with him to buy him one did not seem like a good move, and it wouldn’t be for quite
some time. She didn’t bear grudges so much as have them grafted on.

Marie? She’d bought him his other two cocks. She would know where to take him to buy
another one. He hadn’t even asked for the P-string, that let him piss standing up. The
prosthesis had been hideously expensive, but he wouldn't be imposing on her again if he
paid for it himself.

***

8

Dash let himself into his room quietly in case Greg had gone to bed, but he was still
there, hunched over his keyboard.

Dash threw himself on his bed with a solid thud, and Greg swiveled his chair around.
"You came back. Thought you might be gone for the night."

"Nope, just had to take Kim home. He’d taken off in his mom’s car without permission,
so I had to return it and him safely. Got a lift back."

Greg nodded. "And you’re grinning like an idiot now."

Dash shrugged. "It was a good night."

Greg grinned back at Dash. "So I gathered. Look, I don’t usually say anything, but I’ve
seen the guys you usually bring back here, and Kim looks kinda young for you. Kinda
unsophisticated."

"He’s eighteen," Dash said. "He’s not that young."

"Ah, he looks about fifteen. Not that it’s any of my business."

"No problems. If I’m going to kick you out of the room, you get to pass comment on who
I bring back here." Dash yawned and stretched, and found himself grinning again.

"Kim seems like a nice kid. Obviously a nerd, and I’m all in favor of nerds getting some
action. You planning on seeing him again?"

Dash chuckled along with Greg. "Yeah, I guess we’re going out or something."

"I’m going home for the weekend, you can have as much privacy as you want," Greg
said, swiveling his chair back to face the PC.

"I was kind of planning on going home, too. Think I’d better take Kim to meet the
parents," Dash said, and he kicked his shoes off. "I’m off to shower. You working all
night?"

"’Kay," Greg said. "And, yeah, I’ve got to submit my chem. lab book tomorrow, and I’ve
got to fake the labs I missed."

Dash nodded. He’d put in an all-nighter the night before to get an essay done on time, it
wasn’t like the light being on all night would keep him awake.

***

8

Kim stood, arms crossed across his chest, while Marie leaned over the counter in the sex
shop. "... Of course harness comfort is important," she said, "...but I suspect secure
attachment is more of an issue..."

The woman behind the counter nodded and said, "And it’s for you?"

Marie shook her head. "No, it’s for this young man," and Kim just wanted to disappear
into the floor.

"Oh," said the woman, and then she gestured for Kim to step closer and dropped her
voice. "I know it’s terribly personal, but I need to know to get the fit right. Are you
anatomically female or male?"

"Female," Kim admitted.

The woman nodded. "Much easier to get the right harness then. Were you looking for a
very discreet harness? Or does your partner know?"

"Um, he knows," Kim said, and the woman smiled encouragingly. Marie seemed to be
peering with great interest at the racks of nipple clamps beside her, and Kim was deeply
grateful.

"Ah, a lucky young man. Might I suggest you choose quite a modest dildo then, for his
sake? If you turn up with thirteen inches of shiny black plastic, he might be a little
uncomfortable."

Marie made a noise, turned it into a cough, and Kim nodded since he really didn’t think
he was capable of speech right then. He was deeply grateful that he had Marie with him.
He might just have run away if he was by himself.

"Now, come and have a look at what we have..."

***

Kim propped his feet on the desk, settled the keyboard in his lap, and logged into his chat
program.

Dash was there, and Kim pounced on him, grinning to himself.

‘Hey there’ flashed on his screen. ‘You OK? How was it?’

‘Not good,’ Kim typed back. ‘Not bad either, under the circumstances. I got told off.
Nearly grounded, but not quite.’

‘I was worried. Especially when you didn’t phone.’

9

‘I haven’t actually been banned from the phone, but Mom’s really quiet and tense, and
going and getting the phone and dragging it in here might just set her off again. But, she
hasn’t unplugged the ADSL.’

‘Not quite grounded? How not quite?’

‘Um, that’s not clear. I think I just have to behave myself for a while and not stuff
anything up.’

‘Good. Want to come and meet my family on Saturday?’

Kim stared at the screen. ‘You want me to meet your parents?’

‘If that’s OK’

Kim’s fingers were still while he tried to work out what to say, and the speakers beeped.

‘I’m trying to do things right. To make up for before.’

‘Let me go ask if I can go BRB’

‘K’

Kim leaned over the back of the couch and patted his mom’s arm. "Hey," he said, and
Helen looked up from the book she was reading.

"Hmmm? Yes?"

"Um, Dash wants to take me to San Diego to meet his parents on Saturday. Can I go?"

Helen looked at Kim appraisingly. "Really?"

Kim nodded. The ‘really?’ was Momspeak for ‘Are you lying to me?’

"Yep, really. He seems to have developed a sense of honor or something."

"Okay," Helen said. "You can go. I don’t think I can ban you if he is actually doing the
right thing."

Kim peeled himself off the back of the couch. "Thanks Mom."

Helen called out, "Remind him I still want to talk to him."

Slouched back in his chair, Kim picked up his keyboard.

‘OK, Mom said it was OK.’

9

‘Good. I’ve emailed my folks, and they’ll be home in the late afternoon. We can head
down there a bit earlier, so I can cook dinner.’

‘You cook?’

‘Don’t you?’

‘Not in any meaningful way. And my mom wants to talk to you. Sorry about that, she
seems pretty fixed on the idea.’

‘Ah, now won’t that be fun.’

***

Helen opened the door when Dash knocked on the screen, and she smiled, but Dash could
see it didn’t reach her eyes. "Come in," she said, unlatching the screen.

"Thanks, Helen," Dash said.

"Kim’s in his room. Come on through, I want to talk to you both."

Bett hurtled through the den and into the kitchen, and Helen knocked on Kim’s door.

Dash wasn’t happy at the idea of her talking to both of them at once. It had the potential
to be intensely embarrassing. He was pretty sure he’d survive, his parents talked about
everything imaginable at the dinner table, including grilling him about his sex life, but he
suspected Kim might still be feeling a little fragile about the whole intimacy thing. And
hopefully his folks would be well behaved today since he was taking Kim home to meet
them.

Kim kicked the backpack he was bent over under his chair and grinned at Dash widely,
and Dash smiled back. Helen sat on the bed and folded her arms across her bust. "Close
the door, Dash," she said.

Dash pushed the door closed and leaned against it.

Kim was twinkling at him across the small room, and Dash felt warmth spreading
through his belly. Okay, the next few minutes were going to be pretty grim, but then
they’d be out of there and alone for a few hours.

Helen said, "If I can interrupt for a moment."

Kim said, "I’m listening."

Dash nodded. "Me, too."

9

Helen made an unhappy noise in her throat. "I’ve got a few things I want to say to you
both. Kim seems to have out-maneuvered me on the whole subject of you dating each
other by separating it out from the issue of his recent appalling behavior. If you’re going
to see each other, there are some things that need to be said.

"Firstly, Dash, if you hurt Kim again, I will come after you. Forget about ‘anything you
do returns to you threefold’ and other niceties of Wicca. I will just plain come after you."

Dash nodded. After drawing down at Beltane, he had a healthier respect for what the
Goddess could do, never mind one of her high priestesses. It was also possible that Helen
might mean she would come after him with her bare fists.

"Dash, I’d like to think that you’re responsible enough to always have safe sex anyway,
but I am now going to say what might be the weirdest thing I have ever said. You need to
be particularly careful with Kim. I don’t want you getting my son pregnant accidentally."

Ice replaced the warmth in Dash’s belly. "Um, pregnant?" he said, too surprised to stop
himself.

Kim looked like he wanted to disappear under his desk, and Dash guessed that this might
now be an all time new low for his life.

"Yes, pregnant. The androgens are probably stopping Kim from ovulating, but you still
need to be careful. Kim, stop looking like I’ve just hit you. It’s much better for me to say
these things than for you to wind up having to deal with a pregnancy. I know what sort of
denial you live in."

Kim looked horrified at his mom’s words, and Dash guessed he was looking pretty
freaked out, too. "Okay." He didn’t think there was anything else to say. It hadn’t even
occurred to him that Kim might want to have vaginal sex.

"Now, some other things I expect from you, Dash. No licensed venues. You’re both
under drinking age. If you are drug- or alcohol-affected, you’re not allowed to drive Kim
anywhere. Is that clear?"

Dash nodded. "Sure. I can agree to that." No licensed venues? No bars? Though, unless
Kim had fake ID, he looked far too young to just walk into a bar anyway.

"I’m done," Helen said. "Either of you want to say anything?"

Kim shook his head, still looking mortified, so Dash did, too.

"Fine," Helen said, and she pushed her way past Dash and left, closing the door behind
her.

9

Dash sat down on Kim’s bed and said, "Fuck, that wasn’t good."

Kim moved across to sit beside Dash on the bed. "I had no idea she was going to say
that," he said in a small voice. "I’m sorry."

Dash took one of Kim’s hands in his own. "Not your fault," he said reassuringly. "And it
was something that hadn’t occurred to me at all."

"Really?" Kim asked, and Dash could see he had said the right thing.

"I’d kind of assumed you wouldn’t want to do that anyway," Dash said. "As far as I’d
made assumptions about what you might want to do in bed. Do you want to go now? Get
out of here?"

Kim nodded. "Kiss me first?"

Dash brushed his fingers over Kim’s cheek, then down to his chin, feeling the tiny prickle
of stubble. "I can do that," he said, and he pressed his mouth against Kim’s.

Kim pulled him back onto the bed so Dash was sprawled over the top of him, and Dash
kissed him long and hard, until Kim’s hands were pulling his T-shirt out of his jeans.

Dash pulled back. "Think we should go?" he said. "I’m not sure that going for it when
your mom’s home is so smart."

Kim closed his eyes briefly and swallowed, obviously fighting his body’s impulses.
"Yeah."

Dash tucked his T-shirt back in his jeans and rearranged himself, then stood up and held
out his hand to Kim. "Come on, my parents will seem like pussycats compared to your
mom."

Kim rolled off the bed and grabbed his backpack.

"Have you told them?" Kim asked after he had climbed into the passenger seat of Dash’s
car.

"Told them what?" Dash asked, starting the car, and then backing out of the drive.

"That I’m transgender."

Dash glanced at Kim briefly. "No. I didn’t think I should without your permission.
Besides, while I’m pretty sure Mom will understand, I don’t think Dad would without a
lot of explanation. He’d want to know if this made me straight, and I just didn’t feel like
dealing with that on the phone. All I said was that I had a new boyfriend, and I wanted
them to meet him."

9

Kim was grinning to himself when Dash flicked a sideways glance at him.

"They were pretty pleased. I’ve never taken anyone home to meet them before," Dash
said. "You probably need to know that, too. Just so you understand why they are so
damned happy to meet you."

Kim was quiet, but Dash could tell he was happy. "You can put some music on if you
want to. There’s CDs under your feet, or you can dig out my MP3 player from the
backseat, and hook it into the stereo."

"You’ve got an MP3 player?" Kim said. "I’d love one of them, but there’s no chance." He
leaned back between the seats and found Dash’s pack and pulled it forward. "Sure it’s
alright for me to look in here?"

"No problems," Dash said. "Unless you’re planning on being embarrassed at me carrying
condoms and lube around."

Kim was chuckling when Dash took his eyes off the traffic at the freeway entrance to
glance at him again.

"Oh, that isn’t anything compared to what I’ve got in my backpack," Kim said.

Dash laughed out loud. "Good."

9

Chapter 8

"Your parents live here?" Kim asked, not quite believing his eyes as Dash pulled into a
driveway. There was smooth green lawn, fringed by well kept tidy garden beds. The
house was wide fronted, with a double garage, security grills across the windows, and a
gabled roof. "Wow."

"Yeah. They’ve lived here for about three years now. They move every few years,
upgrading each time."

Kim unlocked his car door and got out, pack in his hand. "They must be rich. No wonder
you’ve got a decent car."

"I rather suspect, if you asked them, they wouldn’t think they were rich. They are
undeniably ambitious."

Kim nodded and followed Dash to the front door and watched him unlock it, then key
numbers into the security system control pad inside the door.

The inside of the house was immaculately clean and very new. Kim took in the tiled
floors and the huge lounge suite, the brass light fittings, the spotless drapes. "Wow," he
said again.

Dash dropped his pack on the lounge chair, so Kim put his next to it, and followed Dash
into the kitchen.

"Wow." The kitchen was huge, the size of Helen’s den. The counters had polished granite
tops, and there were two round spotlessly shiny sinks with a fancy arched faucet between
them. The fridge and freezer had stainless steel fronts that matched the stove top, and
were quite possibly the biggest kitchen appliances Kim had ever seen. And there were no
splotchy finger paintings stuck to them either.

Dash opened the fridge up. "Good, Dad put the garbanzos in to soak last night like I
asked. Want a beer?" He lifted a large covered bowl out of the fridge and then held a
Samuel Adams out to Kim.

"Thanks," Kim said, taking the beer, and then popping the top off with the opener Dash
handed him.

"You can sit on the counter if you want to," Dash said. "I just need to get stuff started for
dinner."

"Uh, okay." Kim hitched himself up onto the counter top to watch Dash cook.

It was fascinating. Kim was used to very ordinary food, cooked for economy and volume,
and fed to starving children, so seeing someone cook like Dash did was a novelty.

9

He put the garbanzos onto boil, and made bread dough, putting that aside to rise. He cut
beef up and rolled it in flour, then fried it in ghee, which he assured Kim was a kind of
butter fat.

It smelled excellent, and Kim tried hard to remember the last time he’d seen beef that
wasn’t ground. It would have been at his dad’s house, a couple of years earlier, back
before Kim had come out.

Kim finished his beer and moved restlessly. His thigh hurt a little from the shot that
morning, but it was the effect of the shot that was making him antsy. Androgens were
surging through him, but he was getting used to feeling hot and a little prickly all the
time. It was what they did to his libido that was the biggest issue. Kim shifted his weight
forward, pressing his prosthesis down across his clit. That was better, though if they
didn’t do something soon he was gonna have to go to the bathroom and get himself off.

Dash took the frying meat off the heat and transferred it to an ovenproof casserole dish,
then added more ghee to the pan to heat. He took a huge jar from the freezer and spooned
the powder into the fat. Wonderful smells filled the kitchen as the powder heated, spice
flavors that Kim had no names for. "What is it?" he asked.

"That’s sambar powder, my dad’s own mix. It’s got all sorts of things in it like coriander
seeds and cumin and ginger and mustard seeds. My grandfather was born in India, so Dad
takes his spices seriously. It’s not got a lot of chili in it, if you’re worried about it being
too hot."

"I wasn’t actually. I’ve eaten Peter’s chili con carne too often."

Dash poured the spices and ghee into the casserole and added a carton of beef stock, and
put the dish in the fridge. "That’ll do for the moment. Think everything is under control."
He stood in front of Kim and slid his arms around him.

Kim pushed Dash’s hair off his face. "Not everything. I had a shot this morning and I’m
going fucking crazy here."

"Good crazy?" Dash asked and he kissed Kim.

"Oh yeah," Kim said when Dash lifted his mouth off wetly. "We need to have sex right
now." Kim slid off the counter top against Dash’s body, wrapping his arms around
Dash’s neck.

"You’re pushy," Dash said. "And I approve. What do you want me to do to you?"

"Suck me, like you did before," Kim said, and his hand slid between their bodies and
pressed against Dash’s cock through his jeans. He was too damned horny to worry about
feeling nervous, too flushed with androgens, too close to the edge already.

9

Dash nodded, and kissed Kim long and hard, and fumbled his hands between them, and
unbuttoned Kim’s jeans and pushed them down. Kim pushed his boxers down, too, and
Dash lifted him back up onto the counter top.

The granite was cold under his ass, and his jeans were caught around his feet, but Dash
knelt down between his knees, and Kim didn’t care about anything else, not when Dash
looked up at him and took Kim’s cock in his mouth. Not when, if Kim looked down
carefully, he could see that Dash’s hand was pushed down the front of his own jeans.

"Oh, fuck, yeah," Kim whispered, and Dash lifted his mouth briefly.

"Can you feel that, babe?" he asked, and Kim nodded.

"Yeah, I sure can."

If Kim thought Dash jerking himself off had been hot to watch, it was nothing to what
Dash was doing right then, his eyes closed and cheeks hollowed out. It made Kim ache so
bad, made him want dark and nameless things with a desperate hunger, and he swallowed
and said, "Dash? Please?"

Dash let Kim’s cock slide out of his mouth. "Sure, but you’ll have to give me directions."

Kim said, "Oh, you won’t be able to miss it."

Dash carefully lifted the weight of Kim’s latex balls up and said, "Fuck. You’re not
wrong."

Kim said, "Yeah, I know. That’s what 200 mg of T does to you." He had a clit that was
just about big enough to need an email address of its own. He alternated between thinking
it was the best fucking thing that had ever happened to him and that he wasn’t going to
need surgery, and being horrified at the way it had a life of its own and demanded
attention.

Then Dash slid his tongue along it and Kim clutched at the counter top blindly and cried
out, "Fuck! Fuck, yes, more!" Definitely the best thing that had ever happened to him. Oh
yes, no doubt of that.

"Does that feel good?" Dash asked, and then he gently sucked Kim’s clit into his mouth.

"Oh, oh, yes." That was it. If this was what it felt like for a guy to get blown, Kim would
be spending his entire summer holidays on his knees, just to thank Dash for this.

Kim came, hard and fast, twice... three times, loudly, and then Dash was cradling him in
his arms and hugging him.

9

"You okay?" Dash asked gently.

Kim nodded against his shoulder. "Fuck, yeah. That was amazing."

"So I gathered," Dash said. "Remind me never to do that to you when we’re trying to be
quiet."

Kim’s breathing was slowing, and he felt limp and boneless in Dash’s arms. Dash kissed
him, and Kim could taste himself on Dash’s mouth. He knew what girls tasted like, and
he was definitely not a girl anymore.

"What do you want?" Kim asked Dash, becoming aware of Dash’s cock pressing hard
against his thigh.

"Think you can stand?" Dash asked, and Kim nodded and slid forward off the counter
again. "Turn around," Dash said, and Kim shuffled around so he was facing the counter,
his feet still trapped in his clothes.

"Are you going to fuck me?" he asked, awed by the thought.

Dash chuckled against Kim’s neck. "No, babe, I’m so turned on I wouldn’t last a second
inside your ass. I’m just going to jerk off against you, if that’s okay?"

Kim felt Dash’s hands pulling the bottom of his shirt and T-shirt up out of the way, and
then something that could only be Dash’s cock brushed across Kim’s buttocks.

"Fuck, yeah," Kim said, and he braced his hands on the counter top. Dash’s arms were
wrapped around Kim’s ribs firmly, pressing their bodies together tightly and Dash’s cock
was pressed solidly against the crack of Kim’s ass, skin against skin.

"Okay, babe?" Dash whispered against Kim’s ear and Kim nodded. Okay? Tingles were
running all over his body, and he thought he was going to die from the absolute heaven of
being so close to someone. Not someone. Dash. Who was breathing loudly against his ear
as he began to rock his hips.

Kim arched his back a little, changing the angles, and the base of Dash’s cock rubbed
against the entrance to his body. "Don’t tempt me," Dash murmured. "Not this time."

Dash was thrusting harder, grinding against Kim, and Kim cautiously let go of the
counter top with one hand and pushed it between his own legs, trying to touch himself
before he went completely crazy with need.

Kim groaned as his fingers found what they were looking for, and one of Dash’s arms
unwrapped itself from Kim’s belly and pushed between their bodies roughly, and Kim
could feel Dash’s knuckles against the flesh of his buttock. Dash grunted and moaned and
something hot and wet slid across the small of Kim’s back and trickled down his ass.

9

Kim cried out, coming so hard that his knees buckled and he slumped forward, held by
Dash’s arm and his own precarious grip on the counter top. He let Dash hold his weight
until his knees would co-operate, while Dash pressed small gentle kisses to his neck.

"Wanna shower?" Dash asked.

"Yeah, but I need to shower by myself," Kim said.

"Sure?" Dash asked.

"Yeah." Kim wasn’t ready for that yet, not for Dash to see him naked.

"Okay," Dash said, and he carefully slid Kim’s T-shirt and shirt up at the back. "Want to
hold your clothes up? Or else you’re going to have to borrow some from me."

Kim held his clothes up his back and turned around as Dash pulled his own jeans up and
zipped them up, then bent down and pulled up Kim’s boxers and jeans for him.

Kim followed Dash down the hallway and gave up trying to work out how many rooms
there were. Dash pushed a door open, and said, "Here’s my bathroom. Give me a moment
to get you a couple of towels, and then I’ll give you some privacy."

Kim nodded, still holding his clothes up, and Dash put two big fluffy blue towels on the
basin.

"There should be everything that you need there. I’ll go have a quick shower in the guest
room, but you don’t need to rush. I’ll be in the kitchen."

Kim nodded, and Dash kissed him quickly and said, "It’s okay, Kim."

Then he was gone, and Kim locked the door and dragged his clothes over his head,
kicked his boots off, then pulled off socks, jeans and boxers. He turned around and
looked at his back over his shoulder in the mirror, and slid his hand across his lower
back. It was kind of sticky and slippery now, and he couldn’t help but grin at his
reflection.

The water was hot, and Kim stepped under the flow and looked at the rack of shower gels
and washes and shook his head in disbelief. He might as well be in a foreign country.

Dash was in the kitchen, kneading dough, when Kim had dressed again, and Kim hitched
himself back onto the counter.

Dash grinned at him. "I cleaned up," he said. "And opened the window. Not that I think
my folks would have problems with me having sex in the kitchen when there was nobody
else home."

1

"They wouldn’t?" Kim said. "Think my mom would object on hygiene grounds. Not that
I ever get left home alone. There are just too many kids for that. I’m lucky to have a
bedroom of my own. I used to have to share with Bett, until I came out, and Mom
borrowed the money to enclose the back porch so I could have a room to myself."

"There aren't any more bedrooms?"

Kim shook his head. "And I’m not likely to move out before college is over, so that’s
another four years with the four of us in that tiny house."

"You never talk about your dad. You couldn’t live with him?" Dash asked, and Kim
watched him work the dough on the counter top.

"No," Kim finally said. "He didn’t take the whole dyke thing very well and now he won’t
have any contact with me unless I call myself Annie and wear a skirt. I’m lucky he at
least let me stay on his health insurance. I couldn’t afford therapy otherwise, and I can’t
get androgens without therapy."

Dash nodded. "Doesn’t sound good. Does he know you’re changing?"

Kim shrugged. "I guess he knows I take hormones from his health insurance printouts.
Mom makes the co-payments, not him."

Dash leaned against the counter beside Kim and brushed floury knuckles across Kim’s
cheek. "You might just be the bravest person I’ve ever met."

Kim shook his head. "I’m not brave. There’s no bravery in this."

"Not in coming out?" Dash said.

Kim shook his head. "No, I don’t come out if I can possibly help it. Only imminent
discovery will drive me to it."

"You might have got away with it," Dash said. "If we’d just made out for a while. I might
have thought you just had a very small penis. Or that you weren’t turned on."

Kim chuckled. "Yeah, sure. While I was coming my brains out just from you kissing
me?"

"Ah," Dash said. "Mixed messages there. I would have been confused. More confused."

"You were confused?"

1

"Yeah. I didn’t know then why you’d gone from the incredibly shy boy I first met to
someone who’d flirt with me, and kiss me in a café and agree to come to my room. I’m
still not sure how you made the jump, not that I’ve got any complaints."

"It was just the androgens. I went from thinking I’d be celibate for years, to knowing I
just had to have it."

Dash’s mouth was warm and gentle on Kim’s neck as he kissed his way up. "I can’t
wait," he murmured, "for you to fuck me..."

Kim tipped his head to one side to give Dash better access. "Me either... I want to know
what you’re like when you’re submissive."

"Ah... there’s the problem. I’m not very good at being submissive..." Dash’s teeth nipped
at Kim’s ear lobe. "Not good at all."

Kim closed his eyes. "Oh?"

"Yeah... Reckon you can stay out all night? I’ve got the dorm to myself tonight."

Kim shook his head. "I don’t think that counts as being well-behaved and not doing
anything stupid as far as Mom is concerned."

"Damn." Dash stood back and looked at Kim as Kim opened his eyes slowly. "Okay, now
I’ve got both of us all turned on, I’ll go back to making pita bread again. You can go
watch a DVD or something if you want to."

Kim shook his head. "I’d rather watch, unless I’m bugging you."

"No, you stay here if you want."

Kim watched Dash spread a huge cloth across one of the empty benches and quickly roll
little balls of bread dough out to big, almost translucent circles, and then transfer the
circles to the cloth. When the cloth was full, he washed his hands and said, "Go choose a
movie you want to see, and we can attempt to watch it."

Kim nodded and slid off the bench, and kissed Dash quickly. "Okay."

***

Kim was holding a framed photo when Dash found him in the front room. Dash slid his
arms around Kim’s waist and hugged him, looking over his shoulder. "That’s Mira,"
Dash said. "About two years before she died."

"What happened?" Kim asked.

1

Dash looked at the photo. He was about sixteen, young enough still that his hair wasn’t
hanging across his face. Mira was balanced on the cross bar of his bike, in front of him,
laughing at the camera. She had dark hair like his, hanging loose around her shoulders,
and the same shape face. Obviously his sister.

"Meningitis. She was well, then she was ill, and she died."

"I’m sorry."

Dash nodded. There wasn’t anything else for anyone to say. "Choose a movie," he said,
and he took the photo off Kim and put it back on the shelf.

Kim picked something amusing but not intellectual, though Dash hoped they wouldn't
actually watch any of it anyway.

By the time Dash had fiddled with the remote controls, Kim had taken his boots off and
slumped down onto the couch. Dash kicked his own shoes off and sprawled next to Kim,
pulling Kim into his lap so they could kiss.

"Is this alright?" Kim asked, kissing Dash. "For when your folks come home?"

"Yeah, though hang on." His folks weren’t going to object to him making out with his
boyfriend in front of the TV, but Dash was going to feel embarrassed about the hard-on
he would no doubt have. He pulled his t-shirt out of his jeans so it hung loose. "Just in
case," he said, wrapping an arm around Kim’s waist and pulling him closer.

Dash rolled them over until they were sprawled the length of the couch, legs tangled, and
slid his hand under Kim’s T-shirt at the side. When he went to slide his hand across
Kim’s back, Kim grabbed at it.

Kim lifted his hand above Dash’s head and held it against the arm of the couch. Dash
went to complain and Kim whispered, "Shut up, for a change."

Raising an eyebrow, Dash kept his mouth closed. Did he talk that much? Okay, he was
verbal during sex, at least with Kim, but that was pretty much stream of consciousness,
and not his fault.

Kim leaned forward and kissed Dash lightly, nipping each lip in turn, pressing butterfly
kisses to the corners of Dash’s mouth, pulling back as Dash chased Kim’s mouth, looking
to deepen the kiss. Dash smiled, he’d worked the game out now.

Behind Kim’s head, the obligatory car chase was on the screen. Kim slid the hand that
was pinning Dash’s wrist to the arm of the couch slowly down Dash’s arm, along the
smooth pale skin of his inner arm, across the crook of his elbow, then across the fleshy
part of his arm and down his side, pressing the fabric of his shirt against his skin. Dash

1

didn’t move his arm, or his eyes from Kim’s face, but Kim was leaving goose pimples
everywhere he touched.

Kim kissed Dash, long and slow and sweet, letting Dash respond, then pulling back a
little, keeping control all the time. Dash closed his eyes, and Kim’s hand was sliding
across his belly now, under his T-shirt, scratching lightly at his chest, circling his nipple.

Dash kept his eyes closed, and Kim kissed him again and again, open-mouthed this time,
and he let Kim lead. The kiss was soft and wet and Dash’s imagination wrapped Kim’s
mouth around his cock, and he moaned quietly into Kim’s mouth.

"Shh," Kim whispered, and his fingers slid down Dash’s body again. Kim’s fingers
flicked the button of his jeans undone, and then settled over the ridge of Dash’s cock
through the denim.

"Bedroom?" Dash whispered. "Because I really need you to fuck me right now."

Kim kissed him again and whispered back, "Okay."

There was a rattle outside and Dash groaned. "Fuck, that’s my mom coming home."

"Damn," Kim said. "Fuck it."

The security system beeped as the front door opened, and Dash did the button of his jeans
up and Kim clambered off the couch.

Dash’s mom called out, "Dash, honey, you’ve been cooking, I can smell it down the
street."

She appeared in the archway to the front door, and Dash stood up and hugged her
quickly, and said, "Mom, I’d like you to meet Kim. Kim, this is my mom, Casey."

Casey said, "Hello, Kim, it’s lovely to meet you, dear."

Kim smiled, his cheeks a little flushed, and Dash knew that wasn’t any embarrassment at
meeting Casey, just left over from what they had been doing. "Hi, Casey. I’m really
pleased to meet you."

Casey smiled at Kim. "Now, I need to go shower and get out of my work clothes. Please
excuse me," she said, pulling her ID card off the front of her shirt, and giving Dash a
brief apologetic look before disappearing back through the archway.

"Damn," Kim said quietly.

Dash pulled Kim to him and kissed him. "Oh yeah, what if she had been ten minutes
later? You really want to have to worry about being quiet?"

1

Kim slid his arms around Dash’s waist. "I’m not loud," he said, sounding defensive.

"Sure," Dash teased, then he took a sudden breath in as Kim’s hand found his cock
through the denim again. "Stop it," he whispered, lifting Kim’s hand away.

"Or what?" Kim asked, and Dash was impressed with the air of innocence he was
maintaining.

"Or I’m not going to take you straight home from here. Or I’m going to take you to my
empty dorm room and fuck you into the mattress," Dash said against Kim’s ear.

"Fuck," Kim said, and he pressed his mouth against Dash’s neck.

Dash pulled back a little and touched Kim’s face. "I think you’re a dangerous person," he
said.

Kim looked puzzled. "Dangerous? How?"

Dash let his fingers find Kim’s bottom lip and stroke it, and Kim opened his mouth
wider, licked the tip of his tongue across Dash’s fingertips.

"Because you’re endlessly responsive," Dash said, bending forward so his mouth was
against Kim’s ear. "It feels like even if I lasted for hours, you’d still be right there with
me. What was it you said earlier? Coming your brains out? I like that, it’s intoxicating."

Kim looked smug when Dash pulled back. "Really?"

"Yeah."

***

Kim was leaning against the kitchen counter, eating freshly-processed hummus, and
marveling at how different the stuff tasted from the little tubs that supermarkets sold,
while Dash brushed sumac and zatar mixed with olive oil over the rounds of pita bread in
preparation for sliding them into the oven, when the security system chimed again.

A moment later a short round man with dark skin and a bald head was hugging Dash and
shaking Kim’s hand, while Dash rescued the first batch of pita bread from the oven.

"I’m Gita’s dad, Sunil. Good to meet you."

Dash cleared his throat a little, and Sunil said, "Sorry, Dash’s dad."

"Hi, I’m Kim." Sunil shook Kim’s hand again.

1

"Now, would you like a beer? Sorry I couldn’t be here to meet you earlier, but we’re
wrapping a project up, and I had to work."

Kim took the Samuel Adams that Sunil offered him, and leaned against the counter again.
Dash and his dad spent some time poring over the casserole of meat that Dash had made
earlier, discussing potatoes, and Kim found himself smiling at Dash’s enthusiasm for
cooking.

Casey appeared again, wearing jeans and a faded denim shirt, hair damp, and Kim
watched her embrace Sunil affectionately. A half-formed thought flitted through his mind
that his own mom missed out on so much being alone with three kids.

Dash moved to one side at the sink to let his mom get past to fill the percolator, and then
went back to peeling potatoes. When Casey had set the coffee dripping, she said, "Kim,
how did you meet Dash? He didn’t tell us."

"Um," Kim said. "It’s kind of convoluted, but one of his tutors is friends with my mom."

Dash smiled at Kim sideways and turned to look over his shoulder at his mom. "Kim’s
mom is Chloe, she’s the Maiden of the coven I joined."

"Ah," Casey said. "You’re not at college with Dash?"

Dash rolled his eyes a little. "Kim’s eighteen, Mom. Stop trying to figure out how to ask."

Casey chuckled good-humoredly. "Busted. So, you’re a senior this year, Kim? What
plans have you got for next year?"

Kim smiled a little self-consciously. He knew he looked a younger than eighteen, even
with facial hair growing in. "UCLA, a science degree, probably in bio-med or medical
technology."

"Smart move not to try for medicine, though you’ll be doing pre-med classes, won’t
you?"

Kim nodded. "I don’t think I’ll have any trouble getting in, all being well. My grades are
solid."

Casey nodded. "Medicine is so damned hard to get in to, and so competitive. Unless
you’re really passionate about it, I wouldn’t suggest it. Much better to spend your life in a
lab somewhere."

Sunil slid his arm around Casey’s waist. "That way, you might be home occasionally."

"I beat you home today," Casey pointed out, and Dash caught Kim’s eye. Kim
remembered what he had said about his parents being ambitious.

1

Dash stacked some of the pita bread onto a tray and picked up the hummus and said,
"We’re going to go back to watching a movie."

Kim followed him back to the front room, leaving behind the sound of Dash’s parents
talking in the kitchen.

Dash put the food on the low table in front of the couch, and sat on the couch. Kim sat
beside him, and Dash moved so his head rested in Kim’s lap and lifted the remote control
to set the movie playing from where he’d paused it when his mom had come home.

"Your parents seem fine," Kim said quietly.

"That’s because your mother is crazy," Dash said contentedly from Kim’s lap. "I mean
that in the nicest possible way of course."

Kim laughed quietly. "I’m going to tell her you said that. One day. When she’s got over
me taking her car."

***

Dash stood up from the dining table and started clearing plates, and out of habit, Kim
stood, too and reached for Casey’s plate. "Sit down, Kim. Let the cooks do this bit. I
believe they are going to go do something mysterious in the kitchen now anyway."

"It’s not mysterious," Dash said. "It’s dessert." He took Kim’s plate from him and Kim
sat back down.

When Dash and his dad left, Casey leaned across to Kim, dropped her voice and said,
"Kim? You’re transitioning, aren’t you?"

Kim froze and stared at Casey, horrified, and she said, "I am a doctor, I don’t think
anyone else would have picked up on it. How long have you been taking hormones?"

"Um, since the beginning of the year. How can you tell?" Kim said, wishing desperately
Dash would come back and rescue him.

"Little things, like the missing cricoid cartridge. I’m an Ears Nose and Throat specialist; I
look at people’s throats all the time. Made me check for the other markers, like the set of
your elbows."

Kim looked down at his arms, exposed where he had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up
earlier. "Oh."

"Don’t worry, no one else would figure it out. And I certainly won’t tell anyone. Does
Dash know?" Casey asked, patting Kim’s forearm reassuringly.

1

Her hands were cool against his skin, and Kim swallowed and said, "Yeah, he knows. He
was freaked out at first, so we didn’t go out again for ages. Then, he decided he didn’t
care."

Casey took her hand off Kim’s arm. "Good. I’d have something to say to him if he hadn’t
decided it was okay. Are you okay? At home? I know some kids who change go through
hell."

Casey’s concern helped the moment of blind panic at being discovered, and Kim’s terror
began to ease. "My mom is really supportive. My dad won’t see me."

Casey said, "It does happen like that. Sunil took a while to get used to Dash being gay.
And then he didn’t want us to use his name, wanted to be called Dash instead. Then there
was the eyeliner. I just kept telling myself, that as far as growing pains went, this was
minor. Something your mother would agree with, I’m sure."

Kim nodded. "She is wonderful, especially since my baby sister was born in the middle
of everything. We’ve got conflict at the moment, but it’s not anything to do with my
gender."

Casey nodded. "Dash," she said, and it sounded like she understood. "Not the sort of boy
she probably hoped you’d bring home. You’ve got a baby sister then. Are there other kids
too?"

"Yep, Bett is in the middle. Mom’s by herself, too."

"Did Dash tell you he had a sister?" Casey asked.

Kim nodded. "Yeah, I saw her photos. She was beautiful."

Casey nodded. "I rather suspect we’ve spoiled Dash rotten since then. It certainly made
us re-evaluate what we wanted him to have in his life."

"Mom has always said that what she really wanted each of us to have is the ability to
form loving relationships with other people. That nothing else really mattered if we could
love and be loved."

"I think your mother is a wise woman," Casey said, and there was a loud beeping from
the kitchen. Dash and Sunil appeared a moment later, carrying bowls of ice cream and
syrup, with flames flickering from each bowl.

Casey laughed and said, "Show-offs," as Sunil put a bowl in front of her.

Dash put Kim’s bowl in front of him, and the other one he was carrying in front of his
seat, and said, "I’ll go fix the smoke detector."

1

Kim watched Casey blow out the flames, and did the same to his.

The beeping stopped and Dash sat down beside Kim. "What is it?" Kim asked, poking at
the blackened lump of... something... on his plate.

"Sugar cube soaked in Grand Marnier. Eat it, it tastes great," Dash said.

Sunil crunched on his. "We weren’t showing-off," he said defensively to Casey.

Kim put the lump in his mouth and crunched the burnt sugar. It tasted of caramel and
oranges, all burnt and smoky and he said, "Yum." The ice cream was sweet and fragrant,
the syrup tasted like Turkish delight, and Kim knew he was grinning at the flavors. "This
is so good."

Dash said, "The ice cream is orange-flower flavored. The syrup is rosewater."

Casey shook her head and said to Kim, "Sometimes it’s like being married to a TV
cooking show." She pointed her spoon at Sunil. "Dash’s gay because of you, you know. I
neither shop nor cook, nor dress well. It’s not me."

Sunil chuckled. "Yes, I’m sure you’re right."

Dash raised an eyebrow at Kim. "Do you get this?"

Kim shook his head. "No, not this. Because my dad is long gone, all of my less than-
endearing-characteristics are blamed on him automatically. Like my enthusiasm for
carpeting my bedroom with dirty clothes, and insisting on sandwiches being cut
crossways. I have however heard my mother wish that she was a lesbian, but that’s when
she’s just had relationship problems of some kind."

Kim listened to Dash and his parents talk about college, and people whose names Kim
didn’t recognize while Kim finished up his dessert, including eating the mint leaves on
the side of the bowl.

Coffee was made by Sunil and served in tiny cups, and Kim watched Dash spoon vast
quantities of sugar into his. When he tried it, the coffee was bitter and thick, so Kim
added four spoons of sugar, and it tasted heavenly if he didn’t drink the sediment.

Casey and Sunil cleared the table again, and while they were clattering dishes in the
kitchen, Dash took Kim’s hand and stood up, and Kim followed him to the kitchen. "I’m
just going to grab some stuff from my room before we go," he said, and Casey nodded
from where she was standing with a second bowl of ice cream in her hands.

"Sure, hon, don’t leave it too late to take Kim home."

1

Dash closed the bedroom door behind them and locked it, and Kim said, "Fuck, this is
your room?"

"Yeah," Dash said, and he slid his arms around Kim’s waist and kissed his neck.

The room was large, with a double bed, covered in a dark blue quilt, and a TV and DVD
player. A PC sat on a desk, there were shelves of paperbacks, and Dash sucked hard on
the skin of Kim’s neck.

"I thought we were leaving," Kim murmured as Dash pressed himself against Kim.

"We are," Dash said. "So I’ve got time to take you to my dorm. This is just a teaser."

"Who are you teasing?" Kim asked. "You or me?"

"Both of us, I hope," Dash said, and he kissed Kim, tasting of coffee and mint and
Turkish delight.

Casey hugged Kim as they were leaving. "Come back soon, Kim."

Kim hugged her back. "Thanks," he said, and she patted his arm.

Dash settled his hand on Kim’s thigh. "How was that? Not too painful to meet my
parents?"

The street lights flickered past as Dash picked up speed on the freeway, and Kim said,
"No, they were fine. Your mother knows."

"About what?" Dash asked.

"That I’m a change. She spotted it. She was really sweet about it."

"I thought she would be," Dash said, and his hand slid further up Kim’s leg. "It hadn’t
occurred to me that she’d be able to tell though."

Kim lifted Dash’s hand up and kissed his knuckles. "The food was wonderful. Nothing
like I get at home."

Dash took his hand back and put it on the steering wheel, and Kim turned sideways in the
seat to be able to watch him better.

Kim felt good, more than good. Dash’s parents were sane people, and his mom had been
very cool about Kim. The way Dash had touched him in the kitchen made Kim warm all
the way through, and Kim leaned across and brushed his fingers across Dash’s shoulder.

"You okay there?" Dash asked, and his voice was gentle in the dark car.

1

"Yeah, more than okay," Kim said.

***

Kim wasn’t as gentle as he should have been, and the dildo bumped Dash’s throat, and
his fingers were twined too tightly in Dash’s hair, but Dash had no intention of stopping
Kim, not when Kim was fucking losing control so completely.

Dash’s hand was wet now, slipping and sliding between Kim’s thighs, and Dash for the
first time let himself really imagine what it would be like to fuck someone who was so
slippery. Would it be like fucking a guy with too much lube, or different in some intrinsic
way? Would it mean something different because it was Kim?

Kim was coming, judging by the noise he was making, and Dash wrapped an arm around
Kim’s lower back and dug his fingers in, holding Kim up as he began to sway uncertainly
on his feet.

"Oh," Kim said, and Dash stood in a hurry and wrapped both arms around him, holding
him tight, pressing kisses against his face. Kim clung to him.

When he was sure that Kim could stand, Dash pushed a hand between their bodies and
fumbled with the fly of his own jeans, finding his cock, stroking it. Kim’s hand wrapped
over his and Kim’s fingers were sliding the length of his cock. Dash began to think that
this wasn’t so bad, that if Kim touched him he’d be satisfied.

"Take your clothes off and get on the bed," Kim said; his voice was all raw and open, and
Dash nodded and sat back down on the bed, pulling his shoes and socks off, and then lay
back and wriggled out of his jeans.

When he was done, Kim was naked from the waist down, and stretched out beside him.
Kim took each of his hands in turn and pressed them above his head against the pillow,
and kissed him. "Will I need directions?"

Dash chuckled and looked down his body to where his cock was screaming for attention
against his belly. "I don’t think so," he said. "You should be able to find everything."

Kim laughed. "No hints?"

"Keep your teeth to yourself?" Dash suggested.

"I can do that," Kim said.

Dash moaned out loud at the first touch of Kim’s mouth on his cock; lips, tongue, wet
mouth, as wet as Dash’s hand had been between Kim’s thighs, and Dash whispered,

1

"Please," and he wasn’t sure what he was asking for. Something, anything to take him
over the line.

"More," he said, and then he remembered he probably wasn’t supposed to be talking.
Kim gave him more, sucking on the head of his cock, sliding it into his mouth so his
cheek stretched comfortingly over the head, then licking his way down the length and
back up again.

It wasn’t elegant or practiced, but it worked, pushing Dash rapidly toward the edge,
making him moan quietly, aware of the people on the other side of the concrete walls. It
made him want to grab Kim’s short hair and push up into his mouth all the way, just
made him want to come. "Close, babe," he said, and Kim lifted his head.

"If you come now, can I still fuck you?" Kim asked.

Dash moved his hand, unclenching it from the head of his bed and reaching down to
stroke Kim’s cheek, then push fingers into his mouth. "Yeah," he said. "Don’t think
there’ll be any problems with that."

Kim sucked Dash’s fingers for a moment, and then licked the head of Dash’s cock.
Dash’s hand settled on Kim’s shoulder, scrunching up the material of his T-shirt. Dash
used the other hand to bunch up his pillow behind his head so he could prop his head up
and look down as Kim’s head bobbed over his cock.

"Fuck," he said. "Oh, fuck... Yes." Then he was grunting, fighting not to push up into
Kim’s mouth, fighting not to just fucking scream as he began to come. He thought he
might have managed the not screaming part, thought he managed to be quiet, then Kim
was sliding up his body, resting his head on Dash’s shoulder and hugging him as he tried
to collect his scattered mind.

Kim was quiet, too, and Dash stroked his hands over all of Kim that he could reach: his
arms, his back, his neck and face, just needing to touch him, needing to feel Kim was
there still.

"Wow," he said. "Fuck."

"Was that good?" Kim asked, and they were kissing, Kim’s mouth open and eager, and
Dash could taste himself clearly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, making himself remember this was Kim’s first time with a
guy.

"Oh, yeah," Kim said, and he sounded all kinds of hungry.

"Give me a moment, and I’ll be right back with you," Dash said, and Kim’s hair tickled
his nose as he held Kim close.

1

He would be, too, the way Kim was pressed up against him, his cock pressing against
Dash’s hip and belly, and Dash rolled over a little more so he was face to face with Kim.
There was such utter happiness in Kim’s eyes that Dash stroked his temples, and kissed
his cheek and said, "This is wonderful."

Kim’s hands were pushing the hair out of Dash’s eyes, touching where he guessed his
eyeliner had smudged, stroking fingertips across his cheeks, and there was so much
between them that Dash had no idea what to say.

Kim must have felt it too, because all of a sudden they were kissing hard, devouring each
other’s mouths, rolling over on the narrow bed, and Dash’s cock was right back,
sandwiched against Kim’s belly, T-shirt riding up so Dash was grinding against the
aching softness of velvet skin and yielding flesh.

"Tell me how to get you ready," Kim said. "Tell me how to stretch you."

Dash bit gently on Kim’s shoulder, tasting laundry powder, and Kim’s fingers were
pressing against his ass. "Don’t stretch me," Dash said. "For me, the stretching makes me
too uncomfortable to enjoy being fucked. You just have to be really slow entering me."

"Fuck," Kim said. "I can’t believe you’re going to let me do this."

Dash caught Kim’s hand in his, and pressed it against his hard cock. "Feel? Feel how
much I want this?"

Kim’s fingers curled around the thickness of his cock and stroked him firmly. "Yeah, I
can feel."

Dash reached for his nightstand, rummaging around blindly for a condom and the tube of
lube. He opened the condom wrapper with his teeth and pulled back a little so he could
roll the condom onto Kim’s cock. He wasn’t sure that the condom was technically
necessary, but it occurred to him that it might make Kim feel a little more like the cock
belonged to him. He squeezed lube out and smeared it over the dildo, then squeezed
another dollop onto his fingertips and reached behind and pressed the lube into his body
quickly. The extra dab made all the difference he found, right when he needed it.

"How?" Kim said, and Dash kissed him and wiped his hand on his blanket.

"Face down," he said. "It’s been a while for me, and it’ll be easier that way."

He rolled over onto his belly and hitched one leg up, opening himself up a little. Kim
scrambled across his back, digging his knee into the back of Dash’s thigh, and his weight
rested on Dash’s back. He was breathing hard, sounding either exhilarated or terrified,
but his hands were steady on Dash’s ass, and Dash was wincing at the sudden pressure.

1

"Slow," he said. "Oh fuck."

Then Kim was easing in slowly, and Dash closed his eyes and willed himself to relax.

"Is that right?" Kim said, sounding very uncertain, and Dash found Kim’s hand and
interlaced their fingers.

"Absolutely perfect," Dash said. And it was. He hadn’t let anyone fuck him for months,
but his body remembered how to do it, how to let go; and Kim rocked his hips
experimentally, sliding the dildo further in, then back out a little way.

Pleasure flared through Dash, intense and hot and sharp, and he moaned, and Kim rocked
again.

"Do you need me to change angles?" Kim said.

Dash shook his head against the pillows. "No, just fuck me," he managed to say. And
Kim did, slowly at first, then with growing confidence, grinding forward into Dash with
each rock of his hips.

Dash was distantly aware of music going on loudly in the room next door, guessed he
must be making a fair bit of noise, and he buried his face into his pillow to try and muffle
some of it, but Kim was fucking him hard now, groaning and panting over Dash, rocking
the bed against the wall, urging Dash on.

Dash could come just from being fucked, he knew that. He didn’t need to jerk himself off
too, the feelings alone were enough, and he was going to come this time, just because
Kim was breathing so hard against his back, just because they were both covered in sweat
so that their bodies slapped together wetly with each stroke. Just because it felt so fucking
good to be losing control with Kim strong and heavy on his back.

"Stay still... fuck, stay still!" he cried out, and Kim held still, and Dash’s body clamped
around Kim’s cock and Dash came so fucking hard that he thought he’d never manage to
stop, never manage to breathe, never do anything ever again.

Kim’s cheek was resting against Dash’s shoulder blade and Dash said, "Okay? Pull out
really, really slowly, babe."

Kim inched out of him carefully. Dash rolled over and Kim collapsed down onto his
chest. Dash threaded his fingers into Kim’s hair, wet with sweat. They were both
drenched; Kim’s T-shirt clung to him, covered with come and lube, too, and Dash waited
for their breathing to slow down a little.

"Fuck," Kim whispered and Dash had to agree with him. "Is it always like that?"

1

Dash shook his head slowly. "No, not like that." Kim sighed contentedly and Dash could
feel how pleased he was with himself. "Stay tonight," Dash said. "Don’t go home."

"Not fair," Kim whispered back. "Not fucking fair. She’ll murder both of us and you
know it."

Kim was right, there was no way his mom would settle for a quick late-night phone call
saying that Dash would bring Kim home in the morning.

"Yeah," Dash said. "I know. Just give me a moment before I try and move enough to
shower."

Kim breathed out slowly, and Dash could feel Kim smiling against his chest. The music
next door was turned down and Dash closed his eyes for a moment.

"No," Kim said. "I can feel you going to sleep. Wake up."

Dash yawned and stretched and said, "Okay, going to shower now. You showering, too?"

Kim shook his head. "I’ll just change prosthesis while you’re out of the room."

Dash leaned against the tiled wall of the shower, idly listening to two guys chat about
physics in the bathroom as the water washed over him. He was completely wasted now,
wiped out by the sex, and he felt so fucking good, if a little sore. He guessed that his body
would get used to it, because he couldn’t imagine Kim was going to stop at just once.
That was fine, he could bottom for a while, until Kim decided he was ready to try it, too.

The front light was still on at Helen’s place when Dash pulled into the driveway. He
turned the motor off and leaned across to kiss Kim gently. "Sleep well," he murmured.
"I’ll talk to you tomorrow."

Kim’s hand stroked his face. "Yeah, talk to you then," and Kim was gone, closing the car
door firmly. Dash waited until Kim was safely inside the house, and then started his car
again. He was going to crawl into his bed, ignoring the mess they’d made of it, and sleep
for a week.

***

Dash wrapped his arms around Kim in the elevator and kissed his lips gently. "I liked
what you did earlier," he murmured. "The way you were."

"I liked it, too," Kim said. "Give me a few minutes in the bathroom, and we’ll do that
again."

1

Dash unlocked his room, took Kim to the bathroom, and waited for him to reappear. He
was holding his back pack protectively in front of him, and Dash said, "Not very
discreet?"

Kim shook his head. "Not easy to hide."

Dash locked his room door from the inside, and let his eyes drift down Kim’s body as
Kim put his pack down and slipped his shirt off. It was the first time he’d ever seen the
bumps that must be Kim’s breasts, first time Kim had stripped down to a T-shirt, and he
smiled at Kim, and let his eyes drift further.

Okay, Kim was packing something impressive in his jeans, and Dash slid his fingers over
the ridge. "Mmm," he murmured appreciatively. "Feels good." His other hand stroked
Kim’s neck. "How far do you want to go, babe?"

"I’ll let you know," Kim said, and Dash felt a surge of blood to his cock. Stepping back,
he pulled his T-shirt over his head, sat down on the edge of the bed and flicked the
buttons of Kim’s fly undone.

Kim smelled chemically, and Dash looked up enquiringly at Kim.

"It’s the solvent I have to use to take the other one off. I didn’t want to hang around and
shower to get rid of it."

Dash nodded, and pushed Kim’s jeans open and pulled his cock out slowly. When Dash
looked up, Kim was staring down at him with huge eyes, and Dash had to keep reminding
himself that Kim was pretty much a virgin and he couldn’t just throw him down on the
bed and fuck him.

Kim said, "Suck me," and Dash leaned forward and took Kim’s cock into his hands. As
dildos went, it was a good one, not too hard to touch and a fleshy color, and Dash slid it
into his mouth.

Kim moaned quietly, and Dash opened his eyes to look up at Kim. "Fuck, yeah," Kim
whispered to him, and Dash concentrated hard on chocolate cake, and slid the dildo all
the way down his throat.

When he looked up again, Kim was dissolving before his eyes, and he pulled at Kim’s
jeans and underwear, sliding his hands across Kim’s thighs. He pushed one hand between
Kim’s legs and eased his fingers up the damp gap between Kim’s thighs.

Kim shuddered when Dash slid one finger in behind Kim’s cock, hot and wet, and Dash
closed his eyes. Kim was breathing hard enough that Dash could hear him clearly in the
quiet room. Fuck, Dash was breathing hard too, Kim’s cock firmly in his mouth and his
finger sliding the length of Kim’s clit. It wasn’t as hot as sucking a real cock, not quite,

1

but through his hand clutching Kim’s hip he could feel how much Kim was getting into
it.

His fingers gripped more tightly, holding onto webbing and neoprene harness, and Kim
groaned and began to fuck Dash’s mouth.

Chapter 9

Kim leaned back on his propped-up pillows and gazed out of the window. It was
warming up fast; soon his little room would be an oven, but for the moment it was
bearable.

He’d crawled out of bed early in the morning, when Helen had clattered around putting
the first pot of coffee for the day on, and showered, washing away the sweat and lube and
come regretfully, and then standing idly under the water until the hot-water tank ran cold.
He’d pulled a clean T-shirt and a pair of cutoff jeans on and crawled back into bed.

He felt utterly relaxed for the first time ever, completely happy and peaceful, and Bett’s
shrieks were washing over him, unable to touch his good mood.

He closed his eyes, history text open across his chest, and sighed quietly. He had bite
marks, his stomach muscles ached, and he felt completely different from how he had the
previous morning. So this was what a rite of passage felt like?

All he could think about was Dash. The internment of Japanese-Americans during
America’s involvement in the Second World War had no chance with him at that
moment, not when he could replay over and over the sounds that Dash had made while
Kim fucked him.

There was a knock on his partly-open door and he opened his eyes and called out, "Come
in, Mom."

Helen was carrying a plate of baloney sandwiches, and Kim took them, moving his feet
when she patted his legs, giving her room to sit down on his bed.

She looked up from studying his calves and grinned at him. "Wow, the androgens are
making a big difference, aren’t they?"

Kim lifted one of his legs to study it briefly. "Yep, that’s body hair that didn’t use to be
there."

Helen’s eyes were smiling, too. "I’ve never seen you look so happy. Guess I
underestimated how lonely you might be."

1

Kim nodded. "It’s more than that. It’s partly that Dash’s a gay guy, and he sees me as a
gay guy, too. I know we’re not supposed to need validation from other people, but it feels
so good after all the agonizing over who I might really be."

Helen nodded. "I can understand that. How were Dash’s parents? Did you have a good
time?"

"His parents were fine. He and his dad both cook. You know, restaurant food, just
wonderful. We had curry, really spicy and not too hot, and some amazing ice cream. And
hummus and home-made pita bread. They’re totally rich, too. Their house would break
your heart."

"Sounds like you had a good time. I thought about coming to see how it had gone last
night, but you crept into the house so quietly I must have missed you coming home."

"You were asleep on the couch," Kim said. "Figured I shouldn’t wake you." He shrugged.
"Dash’s mom knew I was a change. She’s a doctor, and could see I didn’t have the
prominent cartilage in my throat."

Helen patted Kim’s knee. "Was she okay about it? Or did she make you feel
uncomfortable?"

"She was lovely. Promised not to tell anyone. Didn’t even assume that Dash knew."

Helen smiled indulgently. "Good. I’m glad that it worked out for you. You’re so happy,
Dash must be treating you well."

Kim felt himself blushing. "I guess so."

Helen leaned forward and hugged Kim. "I’ll still kill him if he hurts you," she said
cheerfully. "I’ll leave you to study. Assuming you can stop grinning like an idiot long
enough to work."

Kim bit into a baloney-and-ketchup sandwich and tried to look innocent, and Helen
laughed and ruffled his hair, then stood up and left.

***

Dash rolled over and peered blearily at Greg from under the covers. "Um, you’re here
early," he said.

Greg shook his head and leaned across the bookshelf to crank the window open further.
"It’s two in the afternoon," he said. "I told you’d I’d be back after lunch to work on my
math paper. Look at it this way: at least you’re alone," he said cheerfully.

1

Dash grinned and stretched. "Yeah, took Kim home last night." He propped himself up
and remembered his blankets, then the used condom on the nightstand. "Give me a
moment to have a shower and I’ll do something about cleaning up."

"No problem. I’m going to go find some food before I start on the paper anyway."

Dash nodded and stretched a hand out of the bed and patted around on the floor, looking
for discarded clothing he could pull on, and sat up in bed.

Greg went off to the dining hall, and Dash lay back in the bed again. He could feel that he
had a just-fucked grin on his face. Okay, he itched from the lube, and there was a deep
warmth in his ass, but the rest of him felt fucking fantastic. Obviously he should bottom
more often.

***

Kim dropped down onto the bench beside Allie. "Hi, Allie. How’s life?"

She held her packet of Cheetos out for him to eat some. "Still beating the alternatives."
She glanced at him and said, "Ooooooh, hickeys! You had a good weekend. Tell me!"

Kim grinned broadly at Allie and her eyes widened. "You had sex?"

Kim nodded. "I can now say, indisputably and undeniably, that I am no longer a virgin."

Allie squealed and hugged Kim, scattering Cheetos around. "Eeeeee! That’s wonderful.
Who was it? Anyone I know?"

Kim picked a Cheeto off his lap and ate it. "Kind of. You remember the guy who talked
to me when we had the orientation day at UCLA?"

Allie nodded, and Kim said, "It was him."

Hilary slid onto the bench beside Kim at that moment. "Hi Kim, Allie. It was who? What
have I missed?" She took a Cheeto from Allie. "Nice hickeys, Kim."

Allie leaned forward across Kim. "Kim lost his virginity on the weekend with that guy
from UCLA."

Kim elbowed Allie to make her stop, but Hilary was squealing and hugging him.
"Thanks, Allie," he said. "I really wanted that to be public knowledge."

"With the cute guy? From Dykstra Hall?" Hilary said, and Allie nodded.

Kim covered his face with his hands. "Argh. Stop it. Okay, I had sex with him. It was
great. Can we stop talking about this now?"

1

Hilary pulled Kim’s shirt collar open a little, and he took his hands away to glare at her.

"Sorry," she said, sounding anything but sorry. "I was just trying to work out who did
what by where the marks were."

Resignation settled over Kim. Of course they were interested. Allie had told him in
excruciating detail about the first time she had gone down on her girlfriend, and Hilary
talked about her own sex life enough.

"Okay," he said to Hilary. "I topped. There, that satisfy your curiosity?"

She nodded, wide eyed. "Wow, you fucked a college guy."

Kim covered his face again. "Go away," he said, and Hilary and Allie hugged his
shoulders.

For the rest of the day, seniors kept walking up to Kim and slapping him on the back and
congratulating him, and he found he was secretly pleased at the enthusiasm his peers
showed for his sex life. Sure, he was still marginalized in so many ways, but losing your
virginity was still obviously losing your virginity, no matter who you were fucking, and
was a matter for public celebration.

***

Dash parked his car outside Helen’s place at the same time as Marie pulled up, and he
waited on the driveway, robe, athame and cords in his arms, while she gathered her
belongings up.

"Hi, Dash," she said. "You look like things are going well."

"Hi, Marie. Thanks. They are."

"So, the adorable Kim has finally gotten under your skin? I gather from Helen’s phone
call last night that Kim is floating around the place, too."

Dash smiled. "Yeah, I didn’t see him yesterday, but he seemed very smug when we
talked online."

"You make him happy, I’ll love you forever." Marie pulled the screen door open and
called out, "Blessed Be, Helen."

Dash put his robe down on the couch and went and knocked on Kim’s door.

Kim pulled it open and hugged Dash.

1

Dash wrapped his arms around Kim and hugged back, then kissed him thoroughly before
saying, "Hey."

"Hey," Kim said back. "Good to see you."

"Just wanted to let you know I was here and that I’ll see you after the ritual. You had a
good day?"

Kim chuckled. "Yeah. It was great. I told one of my friends about you, and spent the day
being slapped on the back by all of the seniors."

"Whereas I was only teased a little by Greg." Dash kissed Kim again. "Later. I gotta go
be a witch."

"Later."

***

Full Moon, 23

rd

May

"Circle business," Lady Selene said, sitting down cross-legged on the bricks of the circle.
"Summer solstice is before the next Full Moon. We’ve been invited to join a large public
ritual on the sand at Topanga Beach. I’d like to go, it’ll be a chance for Vervain to meet
the massed covens, and for the rest of us to catch up with the other witches."

Falcon nodded. "Do you know who is going?"

"Lady Tanith rang me to offer the invitation, so it will be her crowd, both of the covens.
Lady Astra will be there, and apparently she’s just taken a large Out Of Court group First
degree, so she’ll have a batch of newbies with her. Lady Rhiannon is coming, too. So
there might be as many as forty people there."

"Any idea what sort of ritual they might be doing?" Chloe asked.

"Lady Tanith is organizing, so it will be something unstructured and spontaneous. I think
the idea is to spend some time at sunset enjoying the good things of summer. So, ritual at
dusk in praise of peaches, cantaloupes and warm weather, that sort of thing. Lady Astra is
planning on sitting vigil all night, then doing another ritual at dawn, which we can stay
for if we wish."

Falcon looked around the circle. "Sitting vigil like the Druids?"

Lady Selene said, "I believe so."

"Um, what does ‘like the Druids’ mean? How do they sit vigil?" Vervain asked.

1

"Drunkenly," Lady Selene said. "About five years ago we joined Raven’s Call Grove for
Summer Solstice. Frat boys have nothing on Druids for drinking, at least as far as I can
tell. They drink mead mixed with champagne, for Earth and Air, and it’s a lethal mix.
They did a ritual at sundown, drank until dawn, did another ritual, sobered up, and did a
ritual at midday to wrap it all up. Anyway, we can stay for the vigil, or go home. I think
my drinking until sunrise days are past, though, so I’ll be crawling home."

"Sounds fun," Arianrhod said. "Anything we need to bring?"

"Not cords or knives, since we’re working in public. Just pull your robes over your
clothes for the ritual. Food and beer or wine for afterwards. Summer fruit for the ritual.
Since it’s a public ritual, family and friends are welcome to come and watch. Now, whose
turn is it to Draw Down?"

"Mine," Chloe said cheerfully.

***

Dash’s car rocked a little as Kim settled his weight onto the trunk, and Dash slid his arms
around him and pulled their bodies close.

"Mmm," Kim murmured. "You taste of port."

"Do I?" Dash kissed Kim again thoroughly and stroking his fingers gently across the back
of Kim’s neck. "How are you?" he asked gently. "How do you feel?"

Kim’s fingers crept around the back of Dash’s neck. "Fucking fantastic... A little bit like
it didn’t really happen, and I just dreamed it."

"It was real, I promise you that. I had to wash my blankets on Sunday," Dash said. "Want
to get in the car?"

Kim licked Dash’s neck. "Not sure that is such a good idea. We’ll get interrupted."

"Damn," Dash whispered, and his fingers slid under Kim’s shirt. "Want to do it anyway?"

Kim sucked on the smooth skin at the base of Dash’s neck; maybe it was time he bit Dash
back. And when Dash pulled their bodies even closer, Kim could feel he was turned on.
He was touching Kim’s back now, working his fingers up the knobs of Kim’s spine, and
Kim sucked harder, and bit gently at the soft flesh.

A car drove past them, its headlights flaring brightly in Kim’s eyes briefly, and Kim
wriggled a hand between their bodies to find the hard length of Dash’s cock through his
jeans. "Fuck," he whispered. "We need to do something, don’t we?"

1

The screen door squeaked, then thudded closed, and Kim pulled his hand out of Dash’s
groin as Marie walked down the driveway. Her car bipped as she unlocked it with the
remote, and she called out, "Goodnight, Kim, Dash."

"Good night, Marie," Kim called back.

Dash pulled back from Kim a little as Marie’s door opened. "Good night, Marie."

Kim looked back at the front of his house, and Helen was leaning meaningfully against
one of the front porch supports, so Kim waved to her and called out, "Five minutes,
Mom."

"Okay," she called back and the screen door thudded again.

Kim’s arms went around Dash’s neck, and he said, "I have to go. You have to go."

Dash nodded. "Yeah. Wanna do something Friday night?"

Kim chuckled. "Something? Apart from finding somewhere private and getting off
together?"

Dash’s mouth was open and slick against Kim’s, then he said, "Yeah. Something like
that."

"Sure." Kim carefully picked up the pendant that was hanging around Dash’s neck and he
peered at it in the streetlight. "You don’t wear your pentagram all the time?"

Dash shook his head, tugging a little on the pentagram in Kim’s fingers. "No, I keep it for
ritual work, try and make it something special to wear it."

Kim slid off the trunk of the car and wrapped his arms around Dash’s neck. "You’d better
leave," he murmured, and then they were kissing long and slow and hot, and Kim was
pressed hard against the back of Dash’s car. Kim hoped that Dash was going to be able to
work out how to stop, because he was sure he wasn’t going to be able find the willpower
to let go voluntarily.

Dash did pull away with a final kiss, and he stroked Kim’s cheek with gentle fingertips.
"Good night."

Then he was gone, thumbing the remote for his car and opening the door, and Kim stood
on the dead grass and watched Dash’s taillights disappear, then he went indoors.

***

Summer Solstice, 21

st

June

1

Vervain pulled his robe over his head and settled it over his cargoes and T-shirt, and
trudged barefoot across the sand to where Lady Selene was gossiping with another witch.
She nodded at him and kept talking, so he looked around the beach.

Kim was up the beach, wrangling the Martian and Bett, so Dash waved to him. The sun
was close to the horizon, setting golden-bright though the band of air pollution. A
reasonable surf was running, three feet or so, and there were plenty of people still in the
water, those in wetsuits looking like seals from a distance.

On the beach there was an altar made of compacted sand, covered in cloth and
surrounded by platters of fruit. Vervain wandered over to where Falcon was placing a
tray of sliced watermelon beside the altar.

"Hi, Vervain," Falcon said, standing up again. "Good to see you." They embraced
quickly, and Vervain looked around. While they were robed and in a working space it
was inappropriate to talk about anything not coven-related, so Vervain didn’t ask Falcon
if he had finished his grading yet. Lady Selene was talking enthusiastically to another
witch, so Vervain guessed that the ‘no gossip’ rule only applied to people who weren’t
High Priestesses.

A frail elderly man in a robe was hobbling his way across the sand on canes, moving
painfully slowly, and Vervain went to step forward to offer his assistance, but Falcon’s
hand gripped his arm.

"Don’t," Falcon said. "That’s Lord Manannan. He’s a powerful magician, but his body is
just wrecked now, and he’s far too proud to let anyone assist him."

An elderly woman walked beside Lord Manannan, blanket draped over her shoulder. She
spread the blanket on the sand across from the altar, and Lord Manannan half lowered
himself, half fell onto it. Witches began to walk up to him and speak respectfully.

"That’s Lady Rhiannon," Falcon said quietly to Vervain. "Watch out for her, she has a
habit of making First degrees feel inadequate. Someone will step in if she approaches
you, so just stick close to us."

Vervain nodded. Lady Rhiannon was peering at him across the loose circle of witches,
and he could see why she might be intimidating. She had the oldest eyes he had ever
seen.

Lord Manannan gave a wracking cough, and she knelt slowly down beside him and
offered him a flask from her bag. He drank from it deeply.

A witch in flowing green robes moved to stand in front of the altar and lifted her hands in
the air, and people fell silent. "Shall we begin?" she said. "I am Lady Tanith; welcome to
Summer Solstice. The sun is setting, so we will wish him farewell and all speed for his
return in a few short hours."

1

They all turned to watch the sun set below the horizon. Then Lady Tanith turned to the
circle of witches and said, "Circle time. Lady Selene will take the North; Lady Astra, the
East; Lady Rhiannon, the South. I’ll take West, and will cast. Perhaps Lord Manannan
will be kind enough to summon the circle for us." She bowed her head at the wizened old
man lying on the blanket, and he nodded back.

Arianrhod slipped around the circle to stand on the other side of Vervain from Falcon,
and she squeezed his hand and whispered, "We’ll make sure you’re in the right place."

He squeezed her hand back and whispered, "Thanks."

There must have been forty witches in the circle now, and Vervain was glad of the
reassurance of being bracketed by people he knew. Lady Selene and Chloe were across
the circle from him, and they both nodded at him.

He watched the circle being cast with interest. Because it was a public place, and they
had a few onlookers, the Quarters were summoned without invoking pentagrams, the
invocations were very simple, and the Spirit was called by Lady Tanith walking the
perimeter of the group holding aloft a large quartz crystal rather than a flame. A cool
breeze blew in off the ocean and a candle probably would have blown out anyway, even
if the ritual wasn’t being kept as simple as possible.

She walked the perimeter again, trailing a stick in the ground for the casting, and then
handed the stick to Lord Manannan where he was sprawled inelegantly on the sand.

Lord Manannan hoarsely shouted, "Circle now," and stabbed the stick into the ground.
The air around Vervain crackled and sparkled and there was a lingering smell of
scorching.

"The circle is cast," Lord Manannan croaked.

Arianrhod was still holding Vervain’s hand, and Falcon took the other, and the group
began to circle slowly clockwise as they chanted the Rune. Vervain was used to the
power raised by dancing the Rune coming up fast, peaking quickly as they spun around
summoning it, but this was different. The power came up slowly, and they moved equally
slowly, not picking up speed at all, just shuffling their feet through the sand, but the
summoning was inexorable, and Vervain felt the tingling rising through his body until he
was covered in crawling ants of energy and he felt like he couldn’t breathe or see, and
Lord Manannan shouted, "Drop, you fools!" The sand was solid and welcoming, and
Vervain pressed his forehead against the gritty sand with relief.

Lady Tanith said, "You can all stay down on the sand if you like. I’m going to talk for a
while, like I usually do at rituals. Summer Solstice is a wonderful time, the shortest night
of the year, the beginning of high summer. There is so much about this time of year we

1

all love, yet we get lost in bitching about the expense of running air conditioners and the
way our gardens dry out. This ritual is to help us all just get over it.

"Sure, it’s going to be hot for a few weeks. But we can eat ripe watermelon everyday, and
there isn’t much to compare with ripe watermelon. For those of us slaving away in the
groves of Academe, either as students or teachers, it’s our long break. For those of us
with children, it’s the time we get to spend with them outside of the grind of school
lunches and getting up early. These are all wonderful things to be thankful for, like the
rest of our rich, rich lives. The Gods and Goddesses shine on each of us, filling our lives
in so many ways.

"Everyone, back on your feet now."

The rustle of robes was audible even over the waves and the wind as forty witches got
back on their feet, leaving only Lord Manannan still on the sand, drinking again from his
flask, leading Vervain to guess there was something more than water in it.

"We’re a big group for a ritual, but I’d still like to do this. I want each of us in turn to
briefly thank the Ancient Ones for the richness they bring to our lives. One sentence
each, just to identify what part of your life you wish to give thanks for, and to offer your
gratitude to those who watch our ritual.

"I’ll start," Lady Tanith said. "I want to thank the Lady for the birth of my grandchild,
Hazel, two weeks ago."

The witch beside her brushed sand off his hands and said, "I want to thank the Gods and
Goddesses for blessing me with a happy marriage."

Vervain watched the witches he didn’t know offer up thanks for careers and families, for
personal successes and blessings, and found himself looking up the beach to where Kim
was standing in the crowd, Bett beside him, the Martian wriggling happily on his hip.

Chloe was the first of the witches he knew to speak. "I want to thank the Lord and Lady
for blessing me with my children."

Three more witches spoke, then Lady Selene said, "I thank Cerridwen for lightening the
load of my grief so that I may continue to enjoy my life fully."

There was a general murmur of approval from the gathered witches and Lord Manannan
lifted his flask and said, "Blessed Be to Lord Gawain, may he rest a while in the
Summerlands. Tell him I’ll see him soon."

Lady Selene nodded to Lord Manannan and said, "I’ll pass the message on next time I
speak with him."

1

Lady Rhiannon said, "I thank the Lady for giving me another year of love with my
husband."

Lord Manannan harrumphed and said, "I thank just about anyone that will listen for
leaving me alive for another year."

Vervain watched the turn pass around the circle toward him. Beside him Arianrhod said,
"I thank the Lady for the opportunity to follow her path."

Vervain was nervous. It wasn’t really public speaking to say a sentence in front of
strangers, but there was such a feeling of massed power and connectedness amongst the
witches that he felt a little uncomfortable revealing so much about his life. And of course,
there was Chloe across the circle. He chose his words carefully. "I thank the Ancient
Ones for helping me find my lover, Kim."

Arianrhod squeezed his arm reassuringly, and he thought that Chloe did not look
displeased with his choice of words.

Beside him, Falcon said, "I thank the Lady for the inspiration and creativity she sends
me."

After everyone had spoken, Lady Tanith smiled around the circle. "Thank you, everyone.
Now, it wouldn’t be one of my rituals if we didn’t sing." She bent down and pulled a
stack of photocopies out from under a tray of fruit and split it in two and handed it the
people beside her for the copies to be passed around the circle.

Beside Vervain, Falcon said, "Uh-oh. And people complain about the music I choose for
rituals?"

Vervain took a sheet and passed the stack on, and looked at his sheet. "Summer Lovin’?"
he said disbelievingly. "We’re going to be singing from a Seventies musical?"

"Yep," Arianrhod said. "Looks like it."

Lady Rhiannon handed Lord Manannan a copy of the words and he said clearly, "Damn
fool woman," and screwed the paper up without looking at it and crossed his arms
sulkily.

Everyone pretended not to notice, and Lady Tanith pushed started the CD player she had
beside the altar.

After the first couple of verses, Vervain looked up the beach to where Kim was holding
the baby, and he could tell that Kim was laughing uncontrollably, even at a distance.

Vervain could see Chloe giggling away across the circle, and he could quite understand
why. There was something ridiculous about the ritual, but he also suspected that might be

1

the point. He guessed that a group of High Priestesses might just be inclined to take
themselves far too seriously, and Lady Tanith had made sure that didn’t happen.

When the tray of consecrated fruit had made its way around the circle back to her, Lady
Tanith said, "We’re going to push this circle out rather than banish it, so everyone turn
around and press your hands against it, and on the count of three, push."

Vervain turned around, following Falcon’s lead, and pressed his hands against the circle.
It was warm and a little spongy under his hands and felt very alive.

Lady Tanith counted, "One. Two. Three," and Vervain pushed along with everyone else,
and the circle flew out away from him, and cool sea air rushed in.

***

Dash found himself, still in his robe, sitting on a blanket with the Martian between his
knees chomping on cantaloupe. She bopped his knee with the fruit and said, "Lambada.
Tortoise. Regulator," and Kim leaned across with a spill proof cup in his hands and held
it for Melissa to suck out of.

"Geraldine," she said when he took the cup away from her. "Hovercraft."

Kim leaned across and kissed Melissa and then handed her a peeled banana, which she
began pushing into her mouth steadily.

Helen squatted down beside Dash and patted his back. "That was really sweet, Dash."

"Thanks, Helen," he said, feeling relieved that Helen had taken his public declaration so
well.

She smiled at him, then said, "Kim, may I have a word with you please. If Dash doesn’t
mind holding the Martian for us."

Dash said, "No problem, she seems quite happy."

The Martian took the banana out of her mouth and said, "Vertigo."

***

Kim followed Helen off across the sand. His mom didn’t seem upset or anything, so he
probably wasn’t in trouble. Perhaps she just wanted to thank him for looking after the
kids during the ritual. Not that Kim minded, not when he’d got to hear Dash singing
Summer Lovin

.

Helen stopped beside her car, and Kim leaned against it and waited.

1

Helen looked at him closely. "I gather you and Dash have sex," she finally said.

"Um, yes," Kim said. "Why?"

She nodded. "He called you his lover. I was really touched by that. Not his boyfriend; his
lover. Where do you go to have sex?"

"Mom!" Kim said, and Helen smiled indulgently at him. "His dorm, though we’re kind of
stuck now he’s moved back home for the summer break."

She nodded. "Thought as much. You can ask him to stay with you tonight."

"At our place?" Kim asked, not quite believing his mom.

"Yes," Helen said. "If you’re old enough to have a lover, you’re old enough to share your
own bed with him. You’ll both be kind of crowded, but I suppose that won’t really
matter."

"Are you serious?" Kim asked, trying to get his head around what his mom was saying.

"Absolutely. Now, I must round up the kids and take them home to bed. I guess you and
Dash are staying for some of the vigil, right?"

"We were going to, at least for a while." Then they’d planned on finding somewhere to
park that was dark enough to fuck, but Kim guessed that part of their plans had just
changed.

"Okay, just give me a hand getting the kids in the car, and I’ll leave you to enjoy the
evening."

"Sure," Kim said, pushing himself off the car. "Mom, thanks, you know, for letting Dash
stay."

Helen hugged Kim. "No problems, love."

***

Dash held out an arm to Kim, and Kim knelt down beside him, then slid into the space
between his knees and leaned his back against Dash’s chest. Dash settled an arm across
Kim’s stomach and kissed his ear quickly. "Helen got the kids in the car safely? And it
started?"

Kim squeezed Dash’s hand. "Yep, took a couple of goes, but it started. Marie is going to
follow her home, make sure the car lasts that long."

1

"We’ll do the head gasket this weekend," Dash said. "Before the weather heats up any
more."

He stroked the fingers of his free hand down Kim’s neck, feeling tension in Kim’s body
where it was pressed against his own. "You’re all jumpy about something. What is it?"

Kim chuckled. "Good jumpy. It was something Mom said when she talked to me earlier."

"Gonna tell me?" Dash asked, and Kim wriggled a little in his arms, obviously happy
about something.

"We’ve got somewhere to go tonight," Kim said, and he squirmed his way over in Dash’s
arms so he was facing him.

"Where?" Dash said, his interest quickening. "Somewhere private enough?"

Kim kissed him, and Dash let him take the lead. It must be somewhere good, because
Kim taking charge was a clear precursor to particularly frantic sex. Though, after thirteen
days apart, any sex was going to be frantic.

When Kim pulled back, Dash was vaguely aware that some of the witches not from his
own coven were looking at them. They could all fuck off, as far as Dash was concerned.

"Where?" Dash asked, curiosity mingling with the urge to fuck Kim as soon as possible.

"My place. Mom said you can stay tonight, and I think whenever you want to." Kim was
grinning at Dash, and Dash felt his eyebrows arch.

"Your place?"

Kim nodded. "My place, my room, my bed."

"I don’t have to sleep on that saggy couch?" Dash asked suspiciously.

"No," Kim said, his smile broadening. "You and I can sleep in my bed. Mom said that
very clearly. And we can have sex, she was specific about that, too. I think it was
whatever you said in the circle. Something about me being your lover. She was really
impressed."

Dash touched Kim’s face gently, tracing the mustache he was starting to grow in, which
at the moment just looked like someone had drawn on his face. His voice was gentle
when he said, "I thanked the Ancient Ones for helping me find my lover."

Kim kissed him again, not dominating him this time, just kissing him slowly and sweetly,
tasting of watermelon and cantaloupe. The sand was warm behind Dash’s back, and
Kim’s body was warm, too. He could hear people talking around them, and the waves

1

broke on the shore down the beach. Kim’s face was in the shadows when he pulled back,
but it seemed to Dash that he could still see him clearly.

Kim pulled Dash to his feet and kept hold of his hand as they walked down to the water,
away from the lights up the beach. Dash wrapped his arms around Kim, and they stood
with the water ebbing and flowing around their bare feet.

It wasn’t dark, not with floodlights up the beach, and a moon one day short of full, and
the water was vaguely phosphorescent. Dash pressed kisses across Kim’s upturned face
and he could taste the ocean on Kim’s skin, only it wasn’t the ocean.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, concerned. "Did I say the wrong thing?" It occurred to
Dash that he might not have said enough.

Kim shook his head and wiped his face. "No, it was perfect. Take me home and make
love to me?"

Dash kissed Kim lightly. "I can do that."

1

Chapter 10

In Dash’s car, Kim fiddled with the stereo, plugging in Dash’s MP3 player, then pulled
his legs up onto the seat and wriggled sideways so he could watch Dash as he drove.

Dash hadn’t had anything to drink because he was driving, but Kim was warm from the
port. He had to admit that having a parent who was a witch had given him an enthusiasm
for drinking fortified wines. Somehow, the thought of drinking vast quantities of beer
made him feel ill.

Dash was humming to himself as he drove, and Kim rubbed his knuckles against Dash’s
shoulder, making Dash flicker his eyes across at Kim in a quick smile.

"Do you have to work tomorrow?" Kim asked.

Dash shook his head. "No, I swapped tomorrow for Saturday, just in case we stayed at the
ritual until dawn."

"Good."

Dash was working for his father’s engineering company for the summer break, much to
Kim’s dismay. He was, however, being paid obscene amounts of money to spend his day
making coffee and fiddling with everyone’s laptops, because apparently that’s what an
administrative assistant did.

"Means I won’t have to leave at five in the morning," Dash said. "Means we can spend
tomorrow together." They could. All of Kim’s senior year exams were over now, he’d
finished the previous Friday. He officially had nothing to do until college started at the
beginning of September. Well, nothing apart from all the usual household stuff, like
washing every dirty plate in existence.

Of course, if Kim had fucked up his SAT exam, he might have nothing to do forever.

Dash’s hand was on Kim’s thigh, and Kim covered it with his own, and leaned his head
against the head rest. He hadn’t fucked up his SAT exam. He just knew that.

Dash said, "Don’t go to sleep on me."

"I won’t, I promise."

The house was in darkness when Dash parked the car beside Helen’s moldering Lincoln,
so Kim took his hand and led him through the side gate. The moon was high in the sky,
so there was plenty of light for Kim to find the hidden spare key and open the back door.

Dash dropped his pack on Kim’s bed and pulled Kim into his arms and kissed him. All
the frenetic urgency of earlier seemed to have melted away, and Kim was pliant in Dash’s

1

arms, no longer trying to control the kiss. Dash took charge, kissing Kim until they both
were breathless.

Kim took an unsteady step back and said, "I need to shower and change. Be back in a
moment." He looked shy suddenly, amusing Dash as he always did when his early
reticence resurfaced.

"Do you want to get into bed?"

Dash nodded. "Give me a moment to brush my teeth."

***

Dash brushed his teeth quickly while Kim leaned against the bathroom wall watching
him. One day, Dash hoped, Kim would be comfortable enough around him to let Dash
see him naked. That seemed to be some time away still, and Dash was content with the
way they were together for the moment.

Not that he wouldn’t fuck Kim the instant Kim gave him some kind of indication that was
what he wanted. He’d never bottomed so much in his life before, and he was getting to
miss the sensation of being buried inside someone. Not just someone, he really wanted
that with Kim.

Kim was so fucking responsive in bed, he took Dash’s breath away each time. Dash
suspected it was simply anatomy. Having never fucked a girl, he was unsure whether they
all came so hard and so quickly, though Greg certainly never acted like he was fucking
girls with that sort of results. Greg always seemed pathetically grateful for getting laid,
rather than utterly drained.

Kim said, "You’re miles away."

Dash met his eyes in the bathroom mirror. He spat out and rinsed his mouth, then said, "I
was in bed with you already."

Kim chuckled. "Good."

Dash straightened out the rumpled sheets on Kim’s bed and pulled the blanket down, then
took his clothes off quickly and found the condoms and lube from his pack and put them
on the floor beside the bed.

He stretched out on the narrow bed. They were going to be crowded, it was the same
width as his dorm bed, but it was also quite probable they weren’t going to sleep at all.

Thirteen days had been an impossibly long time. The last time had been when they’d
fucked themselves senseless in the day between Greg moving out of the dorm and Dash

1

going home, making the most of the relative privacy. Even that hadn’t been enough to get
them through the past two weeks easily.

The pillow smelled of Kim, as did the sheets. Shampoo, sweat, Kim’s skin, and when
Dash hugged the pillow, he could smell the way Kim tasted, too.

Kim slid under the sheets beside him and pressed his thigh against Dash, wrapping his
arms around Dash’s neck. "Mmm," Kim said. "You started without me."

"I haven’t touched myself. This is all anticipation." Dash rocked his hips a little, dragging
his hard cock across Kim’s thigh and his hand slid across Kim’s lower back, pressing
them closer together.

Kim was wearing a T-shirt as always, but this one was shorter than usual, leaving Kim’s
back and belly bare. Dash rubbed his hand over the shower-damp exposed flesh, then
traced the shape of the harness across Kim’s ass and hips.

They kissed and Kim’s hand wrapped around Dash’s cock, stroking him slowly, making
him rock his hips and close his eyes, blocking out the pale yellow glow from the light on
Kim’s desk.

Kim lifted his leg, propping his knee up on Dash’s hip and Dash worked his hand around
the back of Kim’s cock, until his fingers slid between the skin folds and Kim clamped his
leg down again and started grinding against them.

When Dash opened his eyes, Kim’s were partly closed, and Dash moved his hand a little,
probing with his fingers, and Kim let out a quiet moan and his fingers tightened around
Dash’s cock.

"Fuck, yeah," Dash said. "Faster, babe..."

Kim came first, he always did, and Dash grunted as Kim shuddered around his hand. He
checked quickly that he was nowhere near Kim’s groin, then rolled a little more onto his
back to make sure there was going to be enough distance between them when he came.

The ache turned into a burn, and Dash slipped his hand out of Kim’s groin and let himself
fall back against the wall behind him. He was breathing hard now, Kim’s hand working
him fast and tight. He wrapped his hand over Kim’s, and groaned deeply as he came.

Coming was such intense relief that he lay still, sweat-wet back pressed against the
plaster of the wall behind him, just breathing hard, waiting for his heart to slow down.

He was vaguely aware of Kim moving on the bed, uncurling his hand from Dash’s, and
his weight settling lower on the mattress. Kim’s tongue slithered across Dash’s belly,
chasing the trickles and lapping at the skin, and Dash moved his hand, opening it up and
resting it on his ribs for Kim to lick clean too.

1

Dash settled on his back on the bed, Kim curled up across him, his head against Dash’s
shoulder, just within range for Dash to kiss Kim’s forehead intermittently.

Kim’s breath was warm on Dash’s throat, then he lifted his head and kissed Dash, and
this was how it was for them always. Dash rolled Kim onto his back, squirming across
the bed so neither of them fell off it, rearranging legs and elbows until Dash lifted Kim’s
hands over his head and kissed his way across Kim’s belly, tracing the new hair growing
from his belly button down to his groin, lifting his cock up and out of the way and
settling his mouth over Kim’s clit. Kim was slick and wet, and Dash slid one finger
downward, being careful not to push in, then flicked the tip of his finger across Kim’s
ass. This was new, something he’d done the last time they’d fucked, and Kim hadn’t said
‘Stop!’ then, and he didn’t this time either.

Dash circled across the tiny ridges in the skin, changed angles so his fingernail dragged,
circled again, and sucked Kim’s clit into his mouth.

Then, as always, Kim went fucking crazy, thrashing on the bed, dragging his cock and
harness higher to give Dash more access, pulling one leg high onto his chest, so that Dash
had to cling onto Kim’s thighs and hips so as not to be shaken loose.

Kim was trying to be quiet, Dash gave him credit for that, he was doing something about
not screaming the place down at least, muffling himself, so that Dash could only catch
the occasional random word.

"Yes... more... please... Dash..."

Waiting until Kim had just come again, Dash eased the tip of his finger in, as far as the
first knuckle. Trusting that Kim would stay reasonably still, at least for a minute or so,
Dash slid his other hand back between his legs and stroked himself quickly, just enough
so his cock wasn’t completely neglected.

Kim’s heel dug into his side, a sign that Kim wanted a break, and Dash balanced
precariously on the edge of the bed and kissed Kim gently. "Better?" he asked.

Kim nodded. "Oh yeah. Much. Give me a moment, I’ll be right with you," Kim said, and
Dash chuckled. Those were his words exactly, quoted right back at him.

He stroked Kim’s cock. "Doesn’t feel like you need a minute," he said. "Feels like you’re
ready to go."

Kim wriggled over to give Dash more room, then leaned across him and felt around on
the floor, and handed Dash the lube and a condom.

Dash kissed Kim, then tore the wrapper open with his teeth and went to roll the condom
onto Kim’s cock.

1

Kim’s hand caught his wrist and Kim whispered, "No, on you."

Dash propped himself up on one elbow, condom between his fingers. "You want me to
fuck you? Are you sure about this?"

He knew he should say ‘no’, should wait, should spend more time getting Kim used to
having his ass touched, but Dash’s cock was at war with his brain on this issue. His brain
hadn’t lost completely yet, but his cock was being very persuasive.

"Yeah," Kim said. "I want to feel you."

Dash studied Kim’s face, and it was all there, the way he felt, and there was no way Dash
could deny him this. "Okay, but we do this right, and you let me stretch you properly
first." That was in the rules, he was certain. Stretch, unless you’re damned sure the person
didn’t want to be stretched.

Kim nodded. "Sure."

"And I’ll stop the instant you tell me to." That was possibly a promise that Dash might
have trouble keeping, but he’d do his best.

"I’m not going to want you to stop," Kim said, and Dash knew he was right. Both of them
were completely ready for this. They hadn’t been the last time they’d fucked, but this
time... this time Kim had asked him to make love to him.

Dash kissed Kim, brushing his lips across Kim’s, pressing kisses to the corners of his
mouth so Kim’s nascent mustache tickled his lips, then he rolled the condom onto his
own cock, pinching the tip and settling it securely around the base of his cock.

"Rollover, babe," he whispered to Kim. "So I can touch you."

Kim rolled onto his side, facing the wall, and Dash pressed up behind him, allowing
himself the joy of rubbing his cock up against Kim’s ass firmly for a moment before
squeezing lube onto his fingers and pulling back a little to slide his hand down to Kim’s
ass.

His fingers circled, then eased in, and he kissed Kim’s neck and bit gently. "Relax," he
murmured. "I’m not going to do anything you won’t like."

"Fuck," Kim whispered. "Is this going to work?"

Dash chuckled. "Sure it’ll work. We can take all the time you need for this."

1

Kim was relaxing around Dash’s fingers and he began to stroke them in and out slowly.
Kim was hot velvet inside, turning him on further. Then Kim whimpered, and it was one
of his good whimpers, and Dash moaned back.

"Is that good?" His voice came out all needy, pressed against Kim’s neck.

"It feels..." Kim said. "Feels like it should be wrong and sore, but it isn’t. It’s all hard and
hot and sharp and I’m so fucking turned on."

Dash chuckled, and licked Kim’s shoulder. "Good, because it’s only going to get better
from here."

He pulled his fingers back and slipped a third one in, too, then inched them back into
Kim.

"Fuck," Kim said. "That’s fucking huge." Then he groaned, and it sounded like the best
sound ever to Dash.

"Three fingers, babe," Dash said. "That’s all. Same width as me. I’m not going to ask you
to take more than this."

Kim’s back was slippery with sweat now, and he was moving restlessly on the bed, not
trying to pull back from Dash’s touch, and Dash knew exactly how he felt. There was a
point when the feelings became too much, when the body overloaded, and it wasn’t a bad
thing, it was just the beginnings of losing control.

"Shh," he whispered soothingly. "I think you’re ready for me."

Kim nodded, and Dash eased his fingers out slowly, and then just held Kim for a
moment. "Are you sure this is how you want your first time to be?" he asked, and Kim’s
body was yielding in his arms. "You need to tell me again this is what you want."

"Fuck me," Kim said. "Now, quickly, please."

Dash coated his cock in lube, and added the extra dollop to Kim’s body. Fuck, he was
nervous now. A couple of years of casual sex were no real preparation for something like
this, where it meant so much. This was Kim, giving himself to Dash for the first time, and
Dash’s hand was shaking when he gripped his slippery cock and pressed it against the
entrance to Kim’s body.

"Relax for me, love," he whispered. "Let go of everything."

Kim nodded, and Dash felt the tension drop out of Kim’s shoulders and back, and the
trust implied in that made Dash’s eyes wet.

He pushed carefully, and the head of his cock slid into Kim.

1

Kim said, "Oh!" and Dash held still, very still. He let go of his cock and stroked Kim’s
arm gently.

"That’s good," he murmured, and he eased forward, tiny fraction by fraction, and he
thought he might die right there and then, just from the fucking ecstasy of this.

Kim was clamped hard and tight around him, and he kissed Kim’s neck and ear and
stroked his side. "Let go again, like you did before."

"Fuck, Dash," Kim whispered. "You’re fucking huge."

"Let go," Dash urged. "I can’t keep going unless you do."

Kim let out a deep breath, making a sighing noise, his back relaxed against Dash’s chest,
and his body released its vise-like grip on Dash’s cock.

It would have been so easy to just slide all the way in when Kim relaxed, but Dash made
himself hold back, and he eased in slowly until he was settled deep inside Kim.

He moaned and curled his legs up behind Kim’s so they were touching down their full
lengths. "You feel absolutely fucking amazing," Dash whispered to Kim. "Are you ready
for me to move?"

"Fuck, yeah," Kim said, and he sounded so hungry.

Dash began to rock slowly, using small shallow movements, just to get Kim used to the
feeling.

Kim clutched at Dash’s arm, whimpering. "Dash... It feels..."

"Yeah," Dash said. "Just let it be, let yourself feel it."

Kim tightened for a moment, then there was the long breath out again. "Fuck, more."

Dash grinned against his shoulder. "Feels good?" he asked.

"Yes."

Then Kim groaned deeply, and Dash said, "Touch yourself for me if you want to."

There was an uncomfortable moment when Kim lifted his leg to slide a hand between his
thighs, then he was moaning steadily, and Dash began to stroke into him more deeply,
pulling back further and pushing in harder, driving them both forward.

1

Kim was getting louder now, the harder Dash stroked in, so he pressed his fingers across
Kim’s mouth to remind him not to scream. Kim bit on his fingers, and he pushed them
into Kim’s mouth.

Through the haze, Dash was distantly aware that he’d probably used the wrong hand to
try and quieten Kim with, but Kim was moaning around his fingers now and rocking back
to meet Dash’s thrusts. It was feeling so fucking good that he didn’t want to change
anything.

Kim cried out around his fingers and Dash could feel him coming, slow ripples running
through his body, and they just kept fucking going. Dash had no idea whether it was all
one orgasm, or whether Kim was back-to-backing them, but it was the best fucking
feeling he had ever had, and he groaned too and began to fuck Kim hard.

Kim was wide open to him now, rocking back, urging him on and Dash knew he was
about to come, too, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

Kim was biting Dash’s fingers and making sobbing sounds, and Dash bit down on Kim’s
shoulder to try and muffle his own cries and then he was thrusting erratically as he came,
driving wildly into Kim before slumping against his back.

The sound of their breathing was loud in the room suddenly, and Dash made himself
reach down between them to grip the condom. He eased out as slowly and carefully as he
could, and Kim made a strange wounded noise as he popped out.

"Oh, babe, did I hurt you?" he whispered, and Kim shook his head and rolled over in
Dash’s arms and buried his head against Dash’s chest.

"No," Kim whispered back. "I just feel... Fuck, I’m still coming, too." He ground his hips
against Dash’s thigh, and Dash held him tightly until he relaxed back against Dash’s
chest again.

"Finished?" Dash kissed the top of Kim’s head.

Kim chuckled. "I think so. That was amazing."

"You were going to tell me how you feel," Dash prompted gently.

"I feel... like you’ve taken me to pieces somehow, but I’m still all together." Kim’s
fingers toyed with pentagram around Dash’s neck.

Dash said, "I feel... so connected to you now."

Kim’s head nodded against Dash’s chest, and then he lifted it to kiss Dash. Dash kissed
him back, and stroked Kim’s cheek, with the wrong hand again. Kim was smiling, and
Dash knew what Kim meant. They’d crossed another threshold, let each other in a bit

1

more, and Dash thought they could stay in this room, this bed, forever, just like they
were.

Kim settled his head back on Dash’s chest and sighed sleepily, and Dash stroked his
back, sliding a hand up under his T-shirt. Kim was a boneless weight on him, and Dash
let him doze. There would be time later for them both to shower, and for Dash to turn the
light off, but for the moment he was more than content to just hold Kim while he slept.

***

Dash stirred when Kim clambered over him. "Hey," Dash said, and Kim kissed him.

"I’m just going to go change," Kim said. "The harness is digging into me."

"Sure," Dash said sleepily, and after Kim had slid over the top of him, he rummaged
around in the bed to find the discarded condom and dropped it onto the floor.

Kim pulled a robe around his shoulders and picked up the box his prosthesis was stored
in and the bottle of glue.

In the bathroom, he unbuckled his harness and wiped it clean, went to the toilet, then
sleepily began the process of gluing the prosthesis back on.

It was routine now: shave, cleanse, glue, wait for glue to begin to harden, attach, and then
hold in place. It took him about four minutes, and he leaned against the wall of the
bathroom as the glue began to dry, making the wall creak alarmingly.

Fuck, he was a wreck. His hands were all clumsy, and felt like his knees were made of
rubber, and they were all working better than his brain. His head was just mush. And,
when he made his eyes focus on the bathroom mirror, it showed on his face. Mush. He
looked like a girl again, kind of soft and blurry, despite the mustache. Proto mustache.

Okay, not like a girl. Just happy. Wildly deliriously happy.

He should shower to wash away the stubble caught in his pubic hair from shaving the
patch for his cock, never mind the lube, but he was too fucking wasted to do that, so he
pulled his robe back on and washed his hands and staggered back to bed.

Dash had rolled over and gone back to sleep, so Kim turned the desk light off and
relocked the bedroom door, then crawled into bed beside Dash, curling up to his back.

Cool air blew through the open window when Kim woke, so he reached down carefully
so as not to dislodge Dash’s head from where it was resting on his shoulder, and dragged
the sheet and quilt over the pair of them.

1

It was light outside, and Kim could hear Helen and the Martian talking to each other in
the kitchen, and the TV was on in the background, so Bett must be awake, too.

Dash moved a little, mumbling in his sleep, and Kim wrapped his arms contentedly
around Dash’s shoulders and closed his eyes again.

Bett was whining at the table now, and Kim smiled to himself. She had to get up and go
to school still, and he didn’t. He could stay right where he was, with Dash, for hours and
hours now. It was Full Moon tonight, so Dash would be here all day probably. Maybe
they’d shower and get dressed later and head out to WeHo for coffee. Or down to the
mall to buy food for dinner. Maybe Dash would cook something.

Kim twined sleepy fingers into Dash’s hair and closed his eyes.

***

Someone moved beside Dash, disturbing him, and he pushed the covers down off his
shoulders, rolling over on the narrow bed. Not his bed, the wall was in the wrong place,
and a pale blue curtain fluttered above his head in the breeze through the open window.

Kim’s bed. That’s where he was. He stretched lazily and rolled back again, pulling the
pillow toward himself and hugging it. He felt so good despite the night sleeping crowded
up in Kim’s bed. Good because Kim had let Dash fuck him. Good because it had been
spectacularly successful.

Kim pushed the bedroom door open, and then kicked it shut behind himself. He was
carrying two mugs of coffee, and he used a foot to clear a patch of floor beside the bed to
put the mugs down.

Kim sat on the edge of the bed, and Dash rubbed his back through his toweling robe.
"Hey," Dash said, and Kim grinned at him.

"Hey. You looked like you were waking up, so I figured you’d appreciate some coffee."

"Yeah." Dash tugged on the belt of Kim’s robe. "Come here."

Kim crawled into Dash’s arms and Dash kissed his lips gently. "How are you?" he asked.
"After last night?"

Kim pushed Dash’s fringe back out of his eyes. "I feel wonderful. Fucking fantastic."

"Not sore?" Dash’s fingers stroked across the stubble on the tip of Kim’s chin.

Kim lowered his eyes for a moment, and Dash wondered if he was a little embarrassed.
Which was crazy considering what they did to each other.

1

"Maybe," Kim said. "I ache a bit, that’s all."

Dash traced Kim’s lips with a fingertip and smiled. "Yeah, I always ache for a day after
you. It’ll get better fast, promise you that."

"I didn’t know I hurt you," Kim said, and he looked worried.

"Shh," Dash said. "Don’t worry about it. Have I ever asked you to stop?"

Kim shook his head. "Guess not."

"Besides," Dash said, and he trailed his finger across Kim’s shoulder, sliding it in
between his t-shirt and robe. "It’s just because we’re taking our bodies beyond the design
specifications."

Kim looked down again, and Dash said, "Don’t look like that." He bent his head forward
a little to meet Kim’s gaze. "Just remember how good it felt. How you came."

"I think that’s it," Kim said. "The way it felt. Like you now know some intensely
personal secret about me, about what I want."

"So..." Dash said slowly. "The problem is that you liked it too much?"

Kim wrinkled his nose and chuckled. "Um, yes, as stupid as that sounds."

"It’s not stupid," Dash pointed out. "Just consider it another one of those embarrassingly
personal revelations that you’re prone to. No more embarrassing than my knowing the
name on your birth certificate. Much less embarrassing, I would think. I rather like the
idea that only I know that you go fucking crazy when I fuck your ass. At least until you
tell someone."

Kim laughed out loud. "Can’t actually see myself sharing that one with anyone, not even
Allie."

Dash’s fingers curled over the top of Kim’s shoulder. "No problem then, is there?" he
murmured and he kissed Kim slowly, pulling Kim closer to him. He pulled his hand out
from under Kim’s robe and slid it down to find the knot in his belt. "Fuck," he said
against Kim’s lips. "You’re so hot."

Kim’s hand was stroking Dash’s cock now, through the sheet between them. "Don’t you
want coffee?" Kim asked

Dash shook his head. "No, not yet. Want to lock the door?"

***

1

The contents of Helen’s fridge were not inspiring. All Dash had found were some
dubious parsnips and a pumpkin in the veggie crisper. Helen said, "There’s not much, is
there? I’ve got some ground beef in the freezer, but I think it might have been there too
long."

He lifted the pumpkin and parsnips out. "I’ll use these," he said. "And grab another
couple of things from the supermarket."

Helen looked worried. "Nothing expensive?"

Dash shook his head. "And I’ll buy them as my contribution to the meal."

Helen said, "You don’t need to do that, Dash," and he caught sight of the anxious look on
Kim’s face. Money must be tighter than he thought.

"No, let me do this," Dash said, and Helen nodded. Money must be very, very tight if she
wasn’t going to argue with him about it.

She hugged him quickly, much to Dash’s surprise and said, "I’m going down to
Maywood Elementary to do extra reading sessions with Bett’s class. I’ll see you both
later."

When Helen left, the Martian shrieking babble from her stroller, Kim slipped his arms
around Dash’s waist and hugged him.

Dash put down the peeler he was scraping the parsnips with and hugged Kim back. "You
okay?" he said.

"Yeah. Mom had a bit of a cry while you were in the shower. I had no idea what to do."

"Is something wrong?" Dash asked.

Kim shook his head. "No, something about how happy I am today and how she’d nearly
fucked it up for me. Think it was mostly me just being happy."

Dash kissed Kim on his forehead. "I’m glad you’re happy."

"This is beyond happiness," Kim said, and his eyes looked suspiciously bright to Dash.

Kim’s arms were around Dash’s neck now. "Is it always like this?" he asked.

Dash shook his head. "This is all new territory for me, too, babe. I’m just making it up as
I go."

Kim’s mouth was open and inviting, and he tasted of coffee and jelly and toast, and Dash
pressed him against the counter top while he kissed him.

1

"Unhygienic," Dash said against Kim’s neck. "You said your mom would complain it
was unhygienic."

"She will," Kim said. "And she’s bound to walk in on us." He unwound his arms from
Dash’s neck. "Want me to start peeling the pumpkin?"

"No. I’ll let you in on a little known cooking secret. If you leave the skin on pumpkin for
soup, and process it fine, people just think the flecks are black pepper. Especially if you
make a fuss about adding pepper."

Kim said, "Really? I’m glad to hear that because I hate peeling pumpkin."

"Me, too."

***

"You can’t do that," Kim said as Dash dropped the roasted pumpkin and parsnips into the
blender.

"Do what?" Dash hit the ‘on’ button for a few seconds.

When the processor was silent again, Kim said, "Cook so easily. Isn’t it supposed to be
complicated?"

Dash laughed. "No, it’s not supposed to be difficult, or time consuming either, unless you
want it to be."

Kim dipped his finger into the saucepan that Dash had poured the puree into, and tasted
it. "That’s good."

"It just gets better," Dash said, and he poured a tin of coconut cream in, and then spooned
in two scoops of cumin powder.

Kim tasted it again. "Yum."

"You’re supposed to wait until I heat it up," Dash said. "It’ll taste better." He put the
saucepan in the fridge.

"That’s it?"

"Yep. Roast the veggies, process them, add coconut cream and spices. Heat up later."

"Oh." Kim tipped his head to one side. "Want to go back to bed?"

1

Dash slid his arms around Kim’s neck. "More than happy to, but it’s now less than twelve
hours until Full Moon, so I’m technically abstaining."

"You have to be celibate for Full Moon?" Kim said disbelievingly.

Dash chuckled. "I don’t think twelve hours counts as being celibate. It’s just preparation;
a way of reminding myself tonight is sacred. So, no caffeine, no big meals, no sex for
twelve hours."

Kim shook his head. "You should have told me first thing this morning. You’d better
hope they start late tonight then."

Laughing, Dash said, "Yeah, well, I was kind of fudging the times this morning for both
the coffee and the sex. What can I say? I am but a humble First degree who hasn’t
learned any self control yet."

"What about after the ritual?" Kim asked. "Do you have to abstain afterward?"

"Definitely not. ‘For all acts of love are my worship,’ or so the Charge goes."

Kim slid his hands under Dash’s T-shirt and worked them up his back. "Are you going to
stay tonight?"

"Mmm," Dash said, his mouth against Kim’s neck. "For a little while, at least. I either
drive home at two in the morning, or at five. At two, the freeway will be completely
empty so I’ll get a clear run south. However, if I stay until five, I get to hold you for
longer."

"No contest," Kim said. "You’re staying."

1

Chapter 11

Bett’s knee was bleeding, and Kim wiped the grit and dirt away with a wash cloth and
hugged Bett. "There, is that better?" he asked, and Bett shook her head.

"Still bleeding," she sobbed.

Kim rummaged through the bright red nylon bag beside him. There was everything
imaginable in there, even the equipment for emergency surgery, so there had to be a
small bandage of some sort somewhere. He pulled out a field dressing and held it beside
Bett’s knee. It’d cover her thigh, too, so he kept hunting.

"Here." He pulled out a long strip of adhesive bandage. "This’ll do." Kim cut a chunk off
and peeled the backing off, then put a gauze pad over the scrape and stuck the bandage
over the top.

"All better?" he asked Bett, and he hugged her again.

"Yes," she sniffed, and she hugged Kim back briefly, and took off back across the gravel
to where she had been dangling upside down from a branch.

Kim took the emergency surgical kit off the Martian and put it back in the first aid bag,
repacked everything else he had taken out, and zipped the bag back up again.

"Cookie," the Martian said. "Apple. Drink."

Kim picked up the bag, lifted the Martian to her feet and held her hand so she could
toddle along beside him. It was slow progress, but he wasn’t in a rush, he was quite
happy to spend five minutes crossing the deck. Luci held the screen door open for him
and the Martian, and he handed her the first aid bag.

"Find what you needed?" Luci asked as she took the bag.

"Yes. I resisted the urge to put a cast on Bett to slow her down, and just bandaged her up.
The Martian is demanding snacks, so we have come in search of food."

It was hot inside the cabin, much hotter than outside, and Kim lifted the Martian up onto
his hip and carried her across to the large kitchen table.

"Momomomomom," the Martian said, holding out her arms to her mom. Helen wiped the
flour off her hands onto her T-shirt and took Melissa from Kim.

Kim poked the knob of dough on the table that his mom had been kneading. "It’s
supposed to be soft, isn’t it?" Kim said.

1

Helen slapped his hand away from the dough. "Don’t criticize something unless you’re
going to do it, too."

Melissa patted Helen’s breasts through her T-shirt and said, "Boobie."

Helen sighed and said, "Want to wash your hands and take over for me while I feed the
Martian?"

"’Kay." Kim washed his hands quickly under the tap and dried them, then dusted them
with the pile of flour on the table and began to try and knead the dough. It was hard work,
and he quickly found sweat trickling down into his eyes, despite his best efforts to wipe
his face with his forearms.

The screen door banged shut and Dash struggled into the cabin with a crate of firewood.
He’d borrowed a hair band and tied his hair back out of his eyes and Kim had to remind
himself not to giggle at the result. Guys didn’t giggle. Giggling was uncool and girly. He
was not allowed to giggle.

Dash put the crate down beside the wood stove. "You’ve got flour on your face," he said
to Kim.

Kim rubbed at it ineffectually with his forearm again and gave up, grinning at Dash. It
must have been Bett’s hair band he’d borrowed because it had little purple cats on it. Kim
shook his head and said, "Pots. Kettles. Black."

Dash grinned back, and then washed his hands. "Here, let me show you how," he said to
Kim, leaning across the table and taking the dough off him. "Like this, you’ve got to try
and put the outside of the ball of dough on the inside."

He kneaded it for a moment, strong hands working the dough quickly, and then pushed it
back across the table to Kim. "Now, you try."

Kim tried working the dough again, and it was much softer this time, even after just a few
seconds of Dash’s kneading.

"That’s right," Dash said. "Put your weight into it."

Kim leaned forward on the table and pushed hard at the dough and found it was much
easier. "Tell me again," Kim said a little breathlessly. "Why is the coven making bread
the hard way?"

"For Lammas," Dash said. "And you think kneading is hard? It’s nothing compared to
grinding the grain."

1

Kim chuckled. Peter and Dash had spent the morning grinding a sack of wheat by hand. It
had been so exhausting that Peter had dragged his sleeping bag under a tree with a bottle
of beer in his hand and refused to do anything except doze afterward.

Dash had fared better, and had managed to chop a couple of barrow loads of firewood for
the stove as well.

"You’re all fucking crazy," Kim said, and his mom cleared her throat behind him.

"Oops, sorry," he said. The Martian was displaying an accurate ear for swear words, and
there had been a total ban on swearing applied to the household. "How long do I have to
do this for?" Kim asked Dash.

"Arms aching?" Dash said, and Kim nodded. "Ten to fifteen minutes. Reckon you’ve got
about seven to go."

He leaned across the table and said, "Hang on, let’s split the dough." He tore the large
ball of dough into two and handed one back to Kim. "That should be easier."

Kim settled into kneading again, remembering to keep his weight forward, and it was
much easier with a smaller ball of dough.

The screen door thudded again, and Luci carried in another crate of firewood. "Marie’s
just pulled up," she said, wiping a grubby hand across her brow. "Just in time to miss out
on the hard work."

"High Priestess’ prerogative," Helen said from the chair where she was feeding Melissa.
"Something we can all aspire to."

"Being a High Priestess?" Luci said. "No way, I’d have to Draw Down more often."

Helen laughed quietly. "Oddly enough, that’d be what would tempt me. It’s the idea of
trying to keep a coven all moving in the same direction that I can’t face."

"Herding cats," Luci said, and Marie pushed the screen door open.

"Hello, everyone. Who’s herding cats?" Marie dropped a duffle on the floor. "Ah, bread’s
progressing well," she said, leaning over Kim’s shoulder.

"You are," Helen said.

Dash said, "That’s done, you can stop now, Kim."

Kim shook his arms. "They feel like they’re made of dough now."

1

Dash took Kim’s dough and kneaded it for a few seconds, then combined the two balls of
dough. "That’s definitely done. Next is making the loaves. Shall we wait for Peter to
resurface?"

Marie nodded. "Here he is. Let’s get the cars unloaded. I’d like an altar set up in here
before we make the loaves."

***

Kim sat on the steps leading up to the deck and watched the sun slowly disappear behind
the trees. Bett was sitting behind him, chomping on sandwiches, and the Martian was
between his knees, steadily stuffing a peanut butter sandwich into her mouth. He leaned
forward and took the sandwich out of her hands while she tried to deal with what was
already in her mouth. "Slow down, little one," he said to her, and she gurgled around the
masticated bread.

It was good bread, fresh from the oven, and Kim bit into his own wedge of bread and jam
contentedly. It really did taste so much better than anything from a store, earthier and
faintly smoky, and was far more filling. Well worth the effort of kneading it, in Kim’s
opinion. Whether it was worth the effort of grinding the grain by hand had been a matter
of some discussion between Peter and Marie.

The coven had robed up and disappeared into the trees a while ago, to meditate until dusk
from what Marie had been saying. Then they’d be back for the bread they’d made, and
off to do whatever it was they did, and Kim would put the kids to bed.

The Martian would go easily as soon as he’d bathed her; she was nodding sleepily
between his knees now. Bett would go not long after that, probably still grubby, but Kim
didn’t really care; then he’d light the lantern in the kitchen and sit and read until the
others came back. Then he and Dash were going to sleep out on the deck together, in
joined-up sleeping bags. The thought of another night beside Dash made Kim all warm
inside, and it wasn’t the sex, because they probably wouldn’t manage to have any, not
with a cabin full of people right next door. It was just...

The Martian burped and patted his leg and said, "Gimmie," so he handed her what was
left of her sandwich and stroked her curls affectionately.

It was just being next to Dash.

***

Lammas, July 30

th

Chloe looked around the clearing with satisfaction. Everyone was there, all naked on this
warm summer evening. A small fire burned in the cauldron for symbolic reasons only, it
was more than warm enough not to need a fire.

1

The corn dollies they had made at Imbolg were lined up in front of the altar, ready to be
burned. The loaves of bread they had made that day were there, too.

Nestled amongst the round loaves with Goddess signs marked on them, and the braided
loaves that most of them had made, was one amazing loaf. Vervain had outdone them all,
making a beautiful Venus of Willendorf sculpture out of the bread, and his loaf was
sitting high on the altar, its surface glossy brown, propped up against the candlesticks.

Vervain had summoned the quarters, too, for the first time, and had managed to
remember everything, and not to sound too nervous, impressing Chloe. She had been
terrified when she had been learning circle-casting, scared of getting the invoking and
banishing pentagrams confused, or of forgetting the words, and particularly worried
about Lady Selene’s scathing tongue.

Now, circle work was simple, something that she could do with no preparation, her
circles just slid up smoothly.

Lady Selene’s tongue was still an issue though, though Chloe didn’t hesitate to argue
with her now.

Lady Selene said, "The Circle is cast," and they stood in silence for a moment. They did
this when they worked at the cabin, stood just enjoying the quiet of the evening. No
traffic sounds could be heard, no TVs or slamming doors, no stereos intruding on the
ritual. Chloe couldn’t hear Melissa crying up the hill, so Kim must have everything under
control up there, and she could focus on the ritual.

The Goddess slid into Chloe from behind, stretching her tall so she towered over the
trees, spreading her thin in the night sky, and Chloe made herself keep standing.

Falcon was still invoking the Goddess in her, and she could see he was fully drawn, so
she dropped her wand, letting it tumble to the ground, letting him know she was drawn,
too.

Lady Selene was beside her, glowing brightly, and across the circle Arianrhod had her
head tipped back, face lifted to the sky, arms outstretched, and she was smiling broadly.

Vervain wobbled and sank forward onto his knees, then lay back on the dirt, breathing
hard, and Falcon knelt down beside him and guided him back so he was sitting up.

"Very clever," Arianrhod said, "But who’s together enough to finish the ritual now?"

"Fuck," Vervain said, and Chloe chuckled. Drawing God did that to people.

"If everyone is back on the same planet, will Chloe and Falcon please bless the bread and
ale?" Lady Selene said.

1

Chloe pushed herself to her feet, and extended a hand to Falcon and helped him up, too.
They moved in front of the altar and Chloe picked up the carton of chilled beers, and held
it out for him to bless.

He retrieved his athame from the altar and held it over the beer. "Knife to ale, flesh to
flesh, by Goddess borne, by God blessed."

He took a bottle of Bud out of the carton, unscrewed it and drank from it, then kissed
Chloe’s cheek and said, "Blessed be."

***

The residual heat of the day lingered in the decking beneath them, so Dash unzipped the
top sleeping bag part of the way and turned it down.

He could hear Marie and Helen still talking quietly inside the cabin, and the lantern shone
out through the window onto the deck, but he doubted anyone would come out of the
front door. The back door, where Peter was sleeping, yes, because that was where the
toilet was; but not the front.

He stroked Kim’s arm gently and pressed his mouth against Kim’s. They could kiss,
they’d kissed in front of everyone earlier on, after the ritual; there was nothing wrong
with that. There was nothing wrong with the way Kim crawled across his body to sprawl
across him either, and Dash slid his hand underneath Kim’s T-shirt at the back, tracing
the bumps of his spine, spreading his hand across Kim’s ribs.

Kim smelled fantastic, still grubby and sweaty from the day, and it did things to Dash. He
liked guys who were a little feral sometimes, the whole pheromone thing worked for him.

Especially on Kim, who’d had an androgen shot that morning. Dash was getting good at
picking up the changes: the slightly sour smell, the roughness in his voice, his
assertiveness. All signs that Kim was tanked on T.

Then there was the way it made him so horny. He was grinding up against Dash now, in a
way that would definitely be embarrassing if someone walked out of the front door. Oh,
fuck it. However horny Kim was from his shot, Dash could probably match him after
drawing down God.

Dash rolled Kim over so that Dash was on top and pinned him down. "You want
something?" he asked in a whisper.

Kim was all eagerness underneath Dash, wrapping one leg around his hips to increase the
friction between their bodies.

"Fuck, yeah," Kim whispered back, and his hands were pushing at Dash’s shorts.

1

"Slow down," Dash murmured. "There’s no rush."

"That’s what you think," Kim said, and the force with which he whispered it made Dash
chuckle.

"We need to work out what we can do," he said, mouth pressed against Kim’s ear. "Have
you got your harness with you?"

"No," Kim breathed back. "No privacy to put it on and take it off."

"Damn." Dash knew that he could manage to be quiet while Kim fucked him, it was Kim
who was unable to keep silent. If Dash fucked him, he’d be screaming the place down in
seconds. Same went for going down on Kim, and that would be tricky in the sleeping bag
anyway.

Hands it was then, and he slipped his inside Kim’s boxers and slid his fingers around.
Kim was shuddering in his arms at the first touch. Dash clamped his mouth across Kim’s
to muffle his whimpers, swallowing the tiny noises he was making.

"Hang on," Dash whispered and he let go of Kim and reached for his back pack,
rummaging around in the front pocket for a condom. He tore it open and rolled it on
himself quickly.

Kim was all wide eyes in the light through the window. "I thought..." he whispered.

Dash kissed him quickly. "We’re not going to, but just think this through. Sleeping bag,
no easy way to clean-up, this going to be much tidier and discreet."

Kim chuckled and it sounded indecent. Dash slid his hand back between Kim’s thighs,
and sucked on the skin of his neck gently.

They could do this for a while, just to make Kim come often enough to calm him down a
little, then Dash was going to roll him over and grind up against him and fantasize like
crazy about fucking him hard and long. And tomorrow, they were going to lock
themselves in Kim’s bedroom and ignore everything, and do it for real.

Kim was pulling at Dash’s t-shirt, trying to get at more of his skin, and Dash paused long
enough to pull his T-shirt off completely. Kim’s hands were all over him then, and Dash
buried his face against Kim’s neck and stroked his clit steadily.

Kim smelled of bread and wood smoke and clean air and sex, and Dash breathed in
deeply, memorizing everything. Kim was jerking him off now, and it felt a little strange
through the condom, but still good, and Kim whispered, "Stop."

1

Dash stopped and pulled his hand free. "Wassup? Was I being too rough?" he asked,
voice low and worried.

The light went out in the cabin, and Dash could hear people moving around inside,
climbing into the creaking bunk beds. Kim wrapped both arms around Dash’s neck and
pulled him closer in the dark. "Fuck me," he said.

Dash chuckled. "No. Remember the noise you made last time? We can’t do that." No one
had been home at the time, and Kim had gone completely crazy, and Dash hadn’t tried to
stop him or silence him. He’d just ridden it out until Kim had come hard enough and long
enough to be quiet, then he’d fucked Kim slow and hard, and had had the best orgasm of
his life. Not something to be repeated without privacy.

Kim said, "Not my ass. Fuck me."

Dash froze. "Fuck you?" he said, confused, trying to keep his voice quiet.

"Oh fuck, I said the wrong thing, didn’t I?" Kim said, and Dash could hear how
vulnerable Kim was feeling in his voice.

"No," Dash said. "If that’s what you want me to do, I’ll do it. But I won’t do it now.
When we’re somewhere private, where no one is going to walk in on us, and we can be as
loud as we want, then I’ll fuck you, but not now."

Kim’s arms dropped from around Dash’s neck, and Dash said, "My turn to ask if I’ve
said something wrong? I can’t even see your face."

Kim was quiet for too long, and Dash said, "Babe? I’m not rejecting you, I promise."

Kim’s arms went back around Dash’s neck again and he pulled Dash’s face down against
his. "I’m sorry," Kim murmured. "I should never have asked you to do that. You’re a gay
guy."

Dash resisted the urge to sigh. "Sure, I’m gay. And you’re a guy, or I wouldn’t be
attracted to you. So, you’re a guy whose body doesn’t match how you identify. Doesn’t
mean we can’t decide to push our boundaries occasionally and experiment. Doesn’t mean
I’m so locked into other people’s ideas of what being a gay guy is that we can’t
experiment either. Okay?"

Kim nodded against Dash’s shoulder. "Fuck, I really screwed that up, didn’t I?"

"Nah," Dash said. "Not the way we are together." He slid his hand back down between
Kim’s thighs and then up again so he could rub his thumb over Kim’s clit. "See, we’re
fine with me touching you, and going down on you," Dash said against Kim’s ear, and
then he kissed Kim, wanting to reassure him.

1

Kim’s hand had found his cock again and was stroking him, and Dash closed his eyes for
a moment to focus on the memory of fucking Kim. Blood surged back into his cock.

"Feel?" Dash whispered. "We’re fine." Then Kim began to rock into his hand and
whimper, and they really were fine.

***

Kim threw himself down on his bed and kicked off his boots, letting them thud to the
floor.

Helen followed him in and sat on the edge of his bed and patted his knee. "How was it?
You look like it went well."

Kim shrugged. "You know Dad. Tall, conservative, narrow-minded. How was it that the
two of you got together?"

Helen shrugged too. "One of life's mysteries. How was lunch?"

"He didn't call me Annie," Kim said. "Which is an improvement on last year's
compulsory family gathering. We talked about my college fund a lot."

Helen nodded, the skin around her eyes lined with worry. "He's not planning on
withdrawing financial support, is he?"

"He says not. There's extra money, in a trust fund, from his parents. Did you know about
that?" Kim flopped back on his bed, rubbing at his mustache.

"From your grandmother's estate? I know she had money, and left it to all the
grandchildren."

Kim nodded. "I asked if I could have it to have top surgery, but he said no. I can only use
it for college."

"Would that be what you would want?" Helen asked. "I didn’t know you were worried
about your top, hon, since you don’t bind at all."

Kim unbuttoned his shirt and looked down at his T-shirt and frowned a bit. "Yeah, I don’t
have to bind to pass, but it’s still an issue." He sat back up again, leaning forward against
his knees. "Dash has never seen me naked."

"Oh," Helen said. "I had no idea..."

Kim shrugged and rested his head on his knees. "Yeah, it’s a problem."

1

Helen stroked Kim’s hair gently, smoothing down the velvety new growth on his neck.
"You’re so happy when he’s around," she said gently. "I must admit I assumed that
everything was going well sexually. I should have asked you, not just assumed."

Kim could feel he was blushing, but his mom just kept stroking his neck. "Sex is great,"
Kim said. "More than great. I kind of figured you knew that because we’re not very good
at being quiet."

"With all the doors closed, I can’t hear a thing," Helen said, chuckling. "And I always
close all the doors. I’m glad it’s working for you. Are you worried he might not cope
with you having breasts?" she asked. "Or is it because of the other thing?"

"Both, I guess," Kim said, and he closed his eyes for a moment, and Helen’s hand was
warm and strong on his neck.

"I think he loves you too much for you to worry about either," Helen said.

Kim lifted his head to look at his mom. Just when he’d thought the conversation had got
just about as confrontational as it could do, she’d said...

"Mom," he said. "He’s not... we’ve not..."

Helen’s eyes were crinkling at the corners. "Trust me on this one," she said. "Trust him,
too."

Kim pressed his face against his knees again and Helen kissed the top of his head.

She closed the door behind as she left, calling out, "Bett! Stop shrieking in the house!"

Kim flopped back down on his bed and pulled his T-shirt up to look at his breasts.

1

Chapter 12

The bathroom mirror was cool when Kim leaned his forehead against it and closed his
eyes. He shouldn’t be nervous about this, he’d talked to Fiona about it for long enough,
but that had become part of the problem now. He’d put so much extra meaning on this,
there was no way Dash could know how laden this act had become. It wasn’t fair to
Dash, and it wasn’t fair to Kim either, and Kim was tired of arguing with his reflection
about it.

He would just do it.

Dash was asleep when Kim closed the bedroom door and turned the light off. In the dark
he took off his bathrobe and slipped under the sheet beside Dash, who murmured in his
sleep and slid an arm around Kim.

Kim held his breath, but Dash stayed asleep, presumably worn out by the sex, and Kim
exhaled quietly.

It felt good, once Kim began to relax. Dash’s chest was pressed against Kim’s bare back
now, skin to skin for the first time, and it was more than good, and Kim’s mind began to
wander.

Hopefully they’d get to spend more time together once semester started. Especially if
their timetables intersected just right. Ideally, they’d get to fuck most days on campus,
though it was Kim’s timetable that was going to be the problem. Dash, being a junior,
would have fewer classes this year. Kim, as a freshman, was going to have a heavy
course load... Dash and Greg had requested to be allocated a dorm together, but there was
no guarantees with that either.

That left the nights at Kim’s place. Kim wasn’t sure how often Dash could stay before his
mom started complaining, but he was sure she wouldn’t hesitate to complain if it was too
often.

Someone was pressing kisses against the skin of his shoulder, and Kim surfaced slowly
from a strange dream about parachutes and poptarts to find Dash was holding him close
and kissing his way up his neck.

"Huh?" Kim said sleepily.

"Mmm," Dash said against Kim’s hairline. "You’re naked, this is a good thing."

Kim smiled sleepily. He was naked. He’d taken his T-shirt off during the night, after
endless agonizing, and now Dash was stroking his back, and it felt so good.

1

It must have felt good to Dash, too, because his cock was pressing up hard against Kim’s
ass, and his hand slid around Kim’s ribs, smoothing the skin, tracing the grooves of his
ribs.

"I want to touch you," Dash said. "Will you let me?"

The dark of the room wasn’t enough for Kim, so he closed his eyes, too. "Yes."

Dash’s hand slid up and cupped the bump of Kim’s breast. "Wow," Dash said. "You’re
really small."

Kim found himself laughing suddenly. "And there you were, thinking that was something
you could never say to a lover."

Dash chuckled, too, mouth warm against Kim’s back. "You are small."

Dash’s hand was warm, too, cupping Kim’s breast, moving across to the other one,
fingers gently exploring. "Do I get to ask questions?" Dash asked.

"Sure." Kim moved his head to leave more of his neck available for kissing.

"Your nipples just got hard. Does this mean you get turned on by being touched?"

"No. I guess most breasts are sensitive that way, but mine aren’t. I’ve spent too much
time trying not to have them for that to feel good."

"’Kay," Dash said, and his hand drifted lower, settling over Kim’s ribs. "It’s still good to
be able to touch all of you. You have a beautiful back. Another question?"

"Okay." Kim pressed his hand over Dash’s.

"Will you let me turn the light on so I can see you?"

Kim squeezed Dash’s hand. He should tell Dash the truth, it was the best thing. "I’m
scared." Kim could imagine the worried look on Dash’s face.

"What are you scared of, babe?" Dash’s voice was gentle in the dark. "You let me touch
you. I’m not going to run away, I promise."

Kim rolled over, and he could just see Dash’s face in the light seeping in around the
curtains. "What if you found out something about me? Something that I should have told
you before? What if it made a difference?"

Dash’s fingers were tracing Kim’s face, smudging the moisture leaking out of his eyes.
"Babe, you’ve already turned my world upside down. I can’t imagine anything that would
make a difference now, but you’ve got me worried."

1

Kim swallowed. The point of no return had whizzed past him some time in the past
couple of minutes, he really had no option now but to trust Dash. "Turn the light on."

Dash clambered off the end of the bed and flicked on Kim’s desk lamp, flooding the
room in yellow light and making Kim screw his eyes closed.

Dash was back beside him in a moment, sliding under the sheet and wrapping an arm
around Kim’s waist.

Kim took a deep breath and pushed the sheet down.

Dash was silent, and Kim knew Dash was staring at the crosshatched scars on his breasts.

Dash’s finger trailed over one of the scars, ever so gently, and Kim dared to open his eyes
and look at Dash’s face. He had no idea what he was going to find there. Pity perhaps, or
distaste. Fear. Rejection. Abhorrence. There were no good options.

Dash’s face was gentle, that was all. Just gentle, like his voice had been. He lifted his
eyes to Kim’s face. "What happened?" he asked, and he sounded so sad that it just about
broke Kim’s heart.

"I used to hurt myself." There it was; the admission that Kim had done this to himself.

Dash’s fingers were tracing the suture marks on the ugliest scar. "If you feel... if you
think it’s going to happen again, will you promise me you’ll tell me?" Dash asked.
"Please, promise me."

"I promise," Kim said. "I don’t do it anymore, it’s something that the person I used to be
had to do to get through. That was Annie, not me."

Dash nodded, and he kissed Kim slowly and carefully. "Don’t hurt yourself, please," he
whispered. "I couldn’t bear it if you did."

Kim wrapped his arms around Dash’s neck and hugged him tight. "I won’t, I promise,"
he said, and he was crying, so relieved that Dash had stayed, that he hadn’t just pulled
away in revulsion.

Dash held him, kissing his face and neck, stroking his arms, murmuring to him, until Kim
stopped crying.

Dash pulled back and pushed his hair out of his eyes, then kissed Kim hard, and just kept
kissing him until they were both breathless.

"It doesn’t matter," he said. "Nothing matters. You want to confess to dismembering your
sophomore biology teacher, that’s fine by me. White powder habits, personal hygiene

1

excesses, being rude to your mother? Own up to it all now, because I don’t fucking care
about any of it."

"Um, I sneak peaks at birthday presents," Kim confessed, beginning to laugh. "I pick my
nose when no one’s watching."

"Pshaw, so does everyone. Masturbatory indulgences? Preferring white chocolate to
dark? Secret crushes on Martha Stewart?"

"No," Kim said, shaking his head and laughing out loud. "None of them. Well, maybe
masturbatory indulgences."

"None of them?" Dash said, and Kim shook his head again, laughing too hard to speak.
"You don’t plan on voting Republican?"

"No. My father is an accountant, does that count?"

"Fuck, no. Mine’s a capitalist. Do you prefer your cheese made from rubber, pre-sliced
and wrapped in plastic? Like your steak well done? Think that Nixon got some bad
press?"

Kim was laughing so hard that the bed was shaking, and he clutched onto Dash and
gasped, "Stop it, or I’ll wet myself!"

"That’s more like it!" Dash said. "Secret fantasies of golden showers, you kinky bastard."

Kim’s ribs were aching and he squeaked, "Stop it!" and began to pummel Dash with his
wrists. "Stop it! There’s nothing left to tell you."

Dash caught Kim’s wrists, and Kim found out that all the muscle he had put on wasn’t
enough to be able to pull his hands free, then Dash had rolled across him and was kissing
him, and he didn’t want to escape at all.

Kim wasn’t fighting anymore, not with the feel of their naked bodies slithering against
each other. He was naked in so many ways now, bare skin against bare skin for the first
time, no secrets left, his greatest shame exposed and melted away by Dash’s kindness and
twisted sense of humor. He couldn’t be any more naked if he tried.

Now, Dash’s mouth was latched on the underside of Kim’s upper arm, sucking on the
pale skin, marking him. The other arm was marked, too, spreading purple bruises obvious
in the light from the desk lamp. He had no idea exactly what Dash thought he was doing,
but the way his cock was leaking against Kim’s thigh indicated that he was enjoying
himself.

Dash moved, sliding further down and across Kim so he was sucking on Kim’s side, after
lifting his head to say, "Stay still, babe."

1

Kim stayed still, hands still pressed against the wall behind his bed, and he had no
intention of moving. Usually he was in charge, the one who decided what they did, but
there was a real thrill in surrender. There was a thrill in letting Dash mark him so
comprehensively, too, one that Kim didn’t want to look at too closely right then, not
when Dash was moaning quietly against Kim’s ribs.

Possessiveness, that was what it was. This was territorial, what Dash was doing, and
when Dash lifted his head and slid back up Kim’s body to kiss him, there was a
possessiveness in the kiss, too.

"Mine," was in Dash’s eyes as well, and Kim found his body was responding to it,
making him wet, making his groin ache, so that when Dash pushed his hand between
Kim’s thighs and up, Kim moaned at the first touch.

"Slut," Dash said, and he was obviously trying not to laugh, and his thumb pressed firmly
against Kim’s clit and his fingers slid backwards to rest over Kim’s ass, and Kim had to
wait to stop whimpering long enough to argue with him.

"Bastard," Kim said, and Dash circled his thumb slowly and shook his head.

"Not bastard," he said. "Pervert."

"Who’s the pervert?" Kim asked breathlessly. "You or me?"

"We both are," Dash said, and he kissed Kim.

Kim couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, not with the way Dash was pushing him
toward orgasm. "Fuck," he said, and Dash pushed harder with his thumb, and one finger
slid inside Kim’s ass.

That did it, pushing Kim over the edge so that he was grinding himself against Dash’s
hand wantonly, and Kim was vaguely aware of Dash chuckling to himself as he backed
the pressure off of Kim’s clit, moving his thumb to press against Kim’s pubic bone.

When Kim could make himself speak, he said, "So which particular perverted sex act did
you have in mind?"

Dash eased his finger out of Kim’s ass and reached for the condoms down on the floor
beside the bed, sprawling across Kim as he moved. He said, "Ouch," and Kim felt a sharp
tug on the skin the prosthesis was glued to.

Kim said, "Ouch," too and Dash lifted his weight off Kim for a moment and put his hand
down to move his cock out of the way, then reached for the condoms again.

Dash’s cock was right there, pressing against Kim’s body; and they both froze.

1

Kim swallowed and said, "Dash?" and they locked eyes. Kim could think of two things to
say, one right, one not so right, and he fought a brief war with his own body before taking
a deep breath and saying the right thing.

"Condom. Now."

Dash pulled back in an instant, kneeling up between Kim’s legs and tearing the wrapper
open with his teeth, then rolling the condom on firmly.

He lay back down over Kim and nipped at Kim’s bottom lip and said, "Yes?"

Was it going to be that easy?

Kim said, "Yes," and Dash pushed forward slowly into Kim’s body.

"I have no idea what I’m doing," he said, then his eyes glazed over. "Oh."

Kim had wondered what it might feel like, had tried using his vibrator inside himself
once they’d begun talking about doing this, but the vibrator was no preparation for the
shocking intimacy of feeling, really feeling, Dash inside his body like that.

This wasn’t like being fucked in the ass, which was all hot and hard and sharp, and had to
be relaxed through, at least in the beginning. This was easy and smooth and wet, and Kim
wrapped his arms around Dash’s neck and said, "More, you can push in more."

"Um, I can’t. Your balls are in the way," Dash said, and his voice sounded strained.

Kim unwrapped one arm and slid the hand between their bodies and wriggled his
prosthesis a little sideways, pulling at the skin, and held his balls out of the way.

"Better?" he asked, and Dash nodded and slid further in.

"Fuck," he said, settling all the way in. "How does that feel? Do you like it?"

Kim tried to collect his wits enough to answer. "Fuck... easier than I thought it would
be... nothing like being touched."

Dash propped himself on his elbows. "Doesn’t hurt?"

Kim chuckled, and it felt really weird deep inside him "No, though I don’t think I
counted as a virgin. Want to try moving a bit?"

Kim tightened his grip on his prosthesis and Dash began to rock into him. Kim knew this,
knew the feel of being fucked by Dash, but this was all slow and loose, and it began to
feel warm deep inside of Kim.

1

"Feels good," Kim said, and he could feel the tension in Dash’s body. "Feels good. Don’t
stop."

"Not sure I could stop," Dash said. "Fuck, no wonder people do this." He moved, dug his
knees into the mattress, making the bed creak, and Kim found himself moaning.

"Is that good?" Dash asked, and Kim nodded. "D’you think you’ll come?"

Kim’s grip on his prosthesis was starting to slip now they were both sweating, his grip on
everything was slipping, and he closed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah... soon."

He was, because despite feeling like he was sliding sideways somehow, going places he
was unfamiliar with, it was deep-down inside him good in ways he wasn’t even going to
try and think about right away.

He opened his eyes, and Dash was right there, grimacing and straining, and Kim decided
that asking Dash if he could come was probably unnecessary.

Dash changed angles again, and things began to unravel for Kim. He wasn’t quite sure
when he began to come, it just felt like he rolled into it, and he found himself clutching
wildly at Dash’s arms and groaning, then things became very erratic and uncoordinated
and desperate; and Dash collapsed down onto Kim, then grabbed for the condom and
rolled off him.

Dash was breathing hard when Kim crawled on top of him and pressed his face against
Dash’s neck, but Dash’s arms were steady and firm around his shoulders. "You okay?"
Dash asked.

Kim nodded. "Yeah, think so. Just kind of trying to get my head around what we just
did."

Dash chuckled warmly. "Might not be worth trying to do that, babe. I’m still a bit freaky
about how close we came to not using a condom."

Kim lifted his head and looked at Dash. "Yeah. What the fuck happened?"

Dash crinkled the corners of his eyes at Kim and smiled a little sheepishly. "Um, yeah.
Kind of ran out of willpower. It’s not happened before, but this time..." He trailed off and
shook his head. "So much for being a child of the Eighties."

Kim propped his chin on Dash’s chest. "Wanna go outside and smoke?"

Dash stroked fingertips across Kim’s cheek. "Yeah. You got some?"

Kim nodded. "Yep, from the last batch you brought over."

1

"Give me a moment to work out how to move again?"

Kim slid his hand across Dash’s ribs and poked at his waist with tickling fingers, making
Dash jump and scramble across the bed, dislodging Kim completely and making them
both laugh.

***

Dash pulled his jeans on and zipped them up carefully, mindful of the bare skin beneath
the zip. The sky was lightening when Dash lifted the corner of the curtain and peered out,
but it was the strange luminous early light that meant a fog had come in off the ocean
during the night.

When he turned back, Kim was pulling his jeans on, too, and the desk light caught the
spreading bruises on his ribs and arms, and Dash felt warmth fill his belly. Fuck, Kim
was beautiful, especially now he’d finally let Dash see him.

Kim clambered up the front of his wardrobe, standing on his desk chair and rummaging
around on the top and producing a battered tin. Not an original hiding place, but
presumably he was hiding his stash from Helen and the kids, not anyone else.

"Got matches, too," Kim said, reaching around on top of his bookshelf and finding a box.

Dash leaned against the washing machine while Kim unbolted and unlocked the back
door, and they stepped out into a fog thick enough that they couldn’t see the back of the
yard.

Kim flicked the utility room light off, and the fog was pearl blue around them as they
walked across the dead lawn to the circle.

When Kim sat down on the bricks, Dash said, "Um, this is the circle. Don’t think we’re
supposed to smoke joints in it."

"’All acts of love are my worship’," Kim said. "You told me that’s in the rules. I’m sure
Her Upstairs won’t begrudge us a post-fuck toke."

Dash sat down on the bricks too. "Her Upstairs?"

Kim nodded in the half-light and opened the tin and took out the papers and the bag. "No
filters or tobacco, this is gonna be rough," he said, and he quickly rolled two joints.

Dash took one, and Kim balanced the other one on the lid of the tin. "Rough seems
appropriate," Dash said, and Kim laughed, his voice muffled by the fog.

"Yeah, it’s been a long night."

1

Dash lit the joint and took a long drag, and Kim crawled across the bricks into his lap to
press his mouth against Dash’s as Dash exhaled.

They toppled backwards and Dash was caught between trying not to laugh and trying not
to cough at the rough smoke in his throat. He didn’t manage to avoid either and wound up
sounding like he was drowning.

Kim took the joint from his fingers, and said, "Wrong, all wrong," inhaled and then
pressed his mouth against Dash’s again.

This time it worked, and Dash slid his left hand behind his head to cushion it on the
bricks, and took the joint with his right.

The morning stayed pearl blue around them, and Dash could tell the sky was brightening
beyond the fog. Kim ground out the butt on the bricks and settled his head on Dash’s
chest.

Kim’s hair was soft between Dash’s fingers as he stroked his scalp carefully, and Dash
said, "Did you hurt yourself after I fucked things up?"

Kim lifted his head. "No, I thought I might, but I didn’t. I haven’t touched myself since
the night I made the cut that needed stitches, and the hospital was going to put me in the
adolescent psych unit unless I told Mom what the problem was."

"Not a good way to come out," Dash said, and his hand settled across Kim’s back, fingers
circling, sliding across taut muscles and bone.

"It wasn’t too bad, at least for me. Mom was going fucking crazy in the waiting room,
and I pretty much could have told her anything and she would have accepted it if it meant
I’d stop cutting. I think the hospital was mostly worried that she’d go into labor she was
so hysterical."

Dash kissed the top of Kim’s head, and Kim said, "I still feel bad that I did that to her. I
was so sure I had everything under control, that I could cut and no one would ever know,
but it just wouldn’t stop bleeding, no matter what I did, and I had to tell her."

Dash’s stroked the back of Kim’s neck. "If you were still hurting yourself, I’d want you
to stop, but it wouldn’t make me go away."

Kim made a contented noise and said, "Really?"

Dash closed his eyes and smiled. "Yeah, I’m not going anywhere. Staying right here."

Kim’s lips on his own made Dash open his eyes. "Me, too," Kim said, and Dash hugged
him tight.

1

They were still kissing when the back door thudded and Helen’s voice came through
dispersing fog, singing a Gordon Lightfoot song badly. Kim kissed Dash’s cheek quickly.

"S’okay, Mom," Kim called out. "No need to be tactful."

Kim climbed off Dash, and Dash sat up as Helen became visible. "I come bearing
coffee," she said, and she stepped into the circle and put two mugs down beside them.
"Here you go."

"Thanks, Mom," Kim said.

Dash picked up the mug closest to him. "Thanks, Helen."

"How did you know we were out here?" Kim asked.

"Back door’s open. Your bedroom door was open. Wasn’t hard to figure out." She sat
down cross legged on the bricks and her eyes settled on the tin and matches, and Dash
could feel Kim flinch. Yep, they were busted.

"Ooh, joints before breakfast. I haven’t done that for a decade at least," Helen said. "May
I?"

Kim said, "Um, sure, Mom," and Helen picked up the joint from the tin lid. "Aren’t you
going to tell me off or something?" Kim asked.

Helen laughed and reached for the box of matches. "Hardly, hon." She lit the joint and
took a drag and coughed a bit. "You bring anything harder than pot onto my property,
you will be in deep shit," she said, handing the joint across to Dash.

Dash shook his head. "No problem there." There wasn’t either. He hadn’t used speed or E
for ages. Somehow, between the sex with Kim and drawing down, he wasn’t interested in
chemical highs anymore, even if the joints were making him feel incredibly good.

"You two been up all night?" Helen asked as Kim handed her back the joint.

Kim shook his head. "Nope, we slept for a while."

Helen exhaled, closed her eyes briefly and smiled beatifically. "Good." She took another
drag. "This isn’t too rough once you get used to it, is it?"

"Aren’t you still breastfeeding?" Kim asked Helen.

"Yes, and a little bit of THC never seemed to do you any harm. Don’t think it’ll harm the
Martian either."

1

Kim said, "Mom!" and Dash tried not to laugh at his indignation.

"Get over it, Kim," Helen said cheerfully. "So, I smoked a bit when you were a kid. I
haven’t had any since before I became pregnant with Melissa; I think I’m allowed to
relax now."

Kim caught Dash’s eye, and Dash could see he was trying not to laugh. Dash could quite
understand that. He certainly couldn’t imagine sharing a joint with either of his parents.

Helen ground out the butt and put it into the tin. "Hmm, suppose I should go make some
breakfast. Dash, do you feel up to cooking something?"

Dash shrugged. "Sure. What’ve you got for ingredients?"

"There’s eggs from Luci’s chickens, and probably some ham, too."

"Sounds good," Dash said and he pushed himself to his feet and held out his hand to pull
Kim up, too.

Dash looked up from rummaging through the fridge, looking for inspiration, to where
Kim was sitting nursing coffee at the kitchen table. Kim looked peaceful, kind of
smudged around the edges, and Dash smiled at him. He knew why Kim was looking like
that, he felt the same way himself.

***

"The door’s open," Helen called out when Kim knocked. "What do you think?" she asked
him, turning to look at herself critically in the mirror.

"Well, I’m no expert in these matters, but you look fine."

Helen pulled the blouse that was hanging open closed across her bust, then let go of it. "I
really wanted to wear this done up, but it doesn’t meet over my breasts."

"No, Mom, that looks fine open with the black T-shirt underneath. You smell good, too.
What is it?"

"Marie’s contribution, along with the blouse. Miss Dior. Apparently its smells like cat’s
piss on her."

Kim raised an eyebrow at Donel, who was grooming his groin on the bed, and he lifted
his head and looked balefully back at Kim. "It doesn’t smell like cat’s piss on me, does
it?" Helen asked.

Kim leaned across and sniffed Helen’s neck. "Nope, smells nice. Floral, with some citrus.
No musk at all."

1

Melissa toddled in behind Kim, saying "Momomom," and Kim scooped her up in his
arms.

"Go find Dash," Kim said to Melissa, and she wriggled in his arms and he put her down
again, and she trotted out, calling, "Sh.Sh."

"Do I need make-up?" Helen asked Kim, looking back at the mirror.

"Yes," Kim said. "Gotta look glam, as well as smelling it."

Helen met Kim’s eyes and grinned, and Kim grinned back. "Do I own any make-up?" she
asked, opening the top drawer of her dresser.

Kim leaned against the door frame. "If you don’t, my boyfriend does," he pointed out,
and they both burst out laughing.

"Look, a lipstick," she said, holding up a cylinder.

"Don’t ask me," Kim said. "I can promise you I have never snuck in here to play with
your make-up. The worst I ever did was try and shave with Paul’s razor."

Helen turned and smiled at Kim. "Really? I never knew. And today I had to borrow your
razor to shave my legs, so it all goes around in circles."

"I can’t believe you shaved your legs," Kim said. "Isn’t that selling out on feminism?"

"Shut up, Kim," Helen said good-humoredly. "Don’t you ever accuse me of betraying
feminism. Besides it was shave or put pantyhose on, and that just seemed too much
effort."

Kim nodded. "Oh yeah. At least you never made me wear a bra or pantyhose. That would
have caused irreparable psychological damage."

Helen peered at herself in the mirror as she put on lipstick, then turned and hugged Kim.
"Goddess knows, I did enough damage as it was," she said.

Kim hugged Helen back. "Mom? No more beating yourself up, okay? Everything is fine
now, more than fine."

Helen nodded. "Okay. Now, you’re good for tonight? Call me on Peter’s cell if the
Martian is a little monster and won’t sleep without a feed, or if Bett looks like she really
has concussion as well as a grazed knees?"

1

"I’ll be fine. I can guarantee Bett doesn’t have concussion. She’s riding her skateboard
down the back steps right now, screeching her head off. And the Martian will sleep
beautifully, I promise you. Now, go and have a good time."

Helen looked at herself in the mirror one last time. "I will. It just feels weird to be going
out after dark with the grownups."

The front door opened, and Kim could hear Dash talking to Peter. "Peter’s here." Kim
laughed suddenly. "Have you got condoms? Just in case you pick up?"

Helen’s eyes widened. "Fuck, no. Have you got any I can scrounge? If I don’t take any,
I’ll meet some gorgeous guy for sure."

Kim shook his head. "I can’t believe you’re going to some faculty function with Peter in
an attempt to meet someone. I’ll go get you some."

Peter was standing in the den with Dash and Kim hugged Dash on the way past. "Hi,
Peter," he said. "Mom’s just making herself gorgeous. I have to go get her some
condoms, back in a second."

Kim heard Peter call out, "You didn’t need to worry, Helen, honey. I’ve got some on
me," and Kim pushed his way past Bett doing tic-tacs in the kitchen, and into his own
room to find condoms.

Helen shoved them into her purse when Kim handed them to her, and glared at Peter who
was laughing at her.

"Sure, you can all laugh now, but if Peter picks up some post-grad research assistant and
decides that he wants all his condoms for himself, I’ll be stuck," she said. "So, come on,
Peter, take me out and introduce me to single straight men, or at least to men who are
straight enough."

Later, Kim removed Bett from the couch and sat beside Dash, whose attention was glued
to the TV as fireballs exploded across the screen. "No way!" he said, and Bett took the
PlayStation handset off him.

"You’re dead. It’s my turn," Bett said,

Dash shrugged and leaned back on the couch and put his arm around Kim’s shoulders. "I
used to be so good at that," Dash said. "Spent the entire summer holidays one year in my
room, at least until one of my parents noticed and evicted me into the sunshine."

"Life’s cruel." Kim couldn’t stop himself from poking Dash in the ribs. "You were a
spoiled brat. Even through all the crises and dramas, I still had to do household stuff,
especially when the Martian was born."

1

Melissa leaned across the couch cushions and pressed a sticky face against Kim’s leg,
and Kim lifted her up into his arms. "Hello darling," he said affectionately. "Time for you
to have a shower and go to bed."

Melissa pulled her fingers out of her mouth with a wet sound and patted Kim’s face
affectionately. "Bed," she said. "Kimmie. Shower. Bed."

"Bett," Kim said as he stood up, Melissa in his arms. "Ten minute warning. You’re in the
shower as soon as the Martian is out. Okay?"

Bett grunted back, and Kim carried Melissa to the shower, and she babbled at him, and he
babbled back.

"Done," Kim said, dropping onto the couch again. "The Martian’s in bed and quiet. Bett
is in bed, too, cuddling her skateboard and crooning to it."

Dash put the PlayStation handset down and stretched back on the couch and Kim crawled
into his arms. "Good," he said. "We can..." He trailed off as he kissed Kim.

"Not yet," Kim said. "Dishes first. Or bad things will happen." He peeled himself out of
Dash’s arms.

"What sorts of bad things?" Dash asked, following Kim into the kitchen.

"Parental protest and refusal to cook any more food," Kim said wisely. "It’s not good."

Dash sat on the counter while Kim scraped the plates and stacked them in the sink.
"Tonight, why did Bett ask if we were having bat’s head stew?"

Kim turned the taps on and squeezed detergent into the sink. "Ah yes. I thought you
might ask about that. When Bett was little, she went through a stage of only eating food if
we renamed it as something really gross. Mom makes bat’s head casserole, served with
caterpillars and mashed ostrich poo. She wanted to know if that’s what we had tonight,
too."

Dash was gazing at Kim in amazement. "Mashed ostrich poo? That’s really disgusting."

"Um, yeah," Kim said. "I know. But that’s why I told her it was French bat’s head."

Dash shook his head. "It was Beef Bourguignon. She wouldn’t eat it if it was called
that?"

Kim laughed. "She would now; I think she’d eat absolutely anything you cook. We’re all
turning into militant little food snobs. This is just left over from a few years ago when she
was little and suspicious of anything that might be nutritionally sound."

1

"Militant food snobs?" Dash said, and Kim could hear he was trying not to laugh.
"Another suburban family saved from culinary oblivion. My task here is complete if I’ve
persuaded you that tomato chutney is better than ketchup, that mustard should have little
hard lumps in it, and that chili is good."

Kim stacked the last of the dinner plates on the drainer and reached for the first of the
saucepans. "So, your task is complete? You’ll be off then?" he teased.

Dash shook his head. "Um, no, I was planning on hanging around for the sex, if that’s
okay with you?"

Kim put down the scourer when Dash’s arms slid around his waist. "I think that’s an
excellent idea," Kim said as Dash kissed his neck.

"Good," Dash said. "Because food and sex are inextricably intertwined, something that
requires further exploration."

"We’re talking something more complicated than melted chocolate, aren’t we?" Kim
asked, then he took a sharp breath in as Dash’s hand slid inside the waist of his jeans.

"Far more complicated," Dash murmured against Kim’s ear. "It’s all about what food
tastes like and smells like, about how it feels in your mouth, how your body responds to
the experience, the completion you feel afterwards."

Dash’s fingers found the button of Kim’s jeans and flipped it undone, then slid the zip
down. "It’s about anticipation, too," he continued. "About how much you’re looking
forward to the meal, about how hungry you are."

Dash’s mouth sucked gently on the skin of Kim’s shoulder now, and Kim could feel the
hard ridge of his cock pressed against Kim’s ass through the layers of denim. Dash’s
fingers were insinuating their way inside Kim’s boxers, working their way around his
prosthesis to find his clit.

Kim closed his eyes and said, "Let me guess, you’re starving."

Dash’s mouth was back against his ear, and he whispered, "Yeah, Kim. Fuck me, right
now."

Kim moaned softly and pushed himself away from the sink and grabbed his jeans as they
slid down his thighs. "Yes."

***

Dash showered while Kim finished the dishes, and was sprawled across the couch,
wearing only his jeans, when Kim carried Melissa out of Helen’s room and into the
kitchen to find a cup of cow’s milk for her to drink.

1

He moved his legs enough for Kim to sit on the couch, Melissa in his arms, and smiled
sleepily at Kim, then his gaze drifted back to the TV.

Melissa sucked her spill-proof cup of milk hungrily, then said, "Momomom,"
meaningfully to Kim.

Kim shook his head and hugged Melissa. "No, hon," he said. "Momomom has gone out."

Melissa looked like she was about to cry, then she changed her mind and settled her head
against Kim’s shoulder sleepily and burped.

"Good girl," Kim said affectionately. "Back to your cot," he said, standing up and
carrying Melissa out of the room.

When Helen came home, Dash was snoring gently on the couch, one arm wrapped
securely around Kim’s waist while Kim watched TV. Kim slid out from under Dash’s
arm to open the front door when he heard Peter’s car in the drive, and Dash was sitting
up, stretching and rubbing his face where the material of the couch had left an imprint,
when Helen came in.

Kim kissed her cheek, and she hugged him quickly.

"Have a good time?" Kim asked and Helen nodded as she kicked her shoes off.

"Lovely. Everything quiet here?"

"Yeah, the Martian had a cup of milk an hour ago, and I took Bett’s skateboard out of her
arms as soon as she was asleep. No dramas."

"Excellent," Helen said.

"So?" Kim said. "Did you meet many interesting men?"

Helen laughed quietly. "I’m not actually sure. Peter has promised he will debrief me
tomorrow over coffee, give me all the dirt on the people I was flirting with. I’m off to bed
now, I’ve had too much wine. And, thank you for looking after the kids. It was wonderful
to go play with the grown-ups."

***

Dash was mostly asleep when Kim crawled into the bed beside him, and Kim knelt up
and slid the window over the bed closed because the air blowing through it was cool for
the first time in ages.

***

1

Autumn Equinox, 22

nd

September

Falcon moved around the circle, lighting the candles and Vervain watched, running over
the equipment for the ritual in his mind. This was his first ritual, at least the first one he
had ever written and coordinated, and he was just plain nervous.

He’d planned on using Ode to Autumn by Keats, but it had sounded so pretentious when
he had spoken the ritual out loud that he’d abandoned that idea. Simple was better.

Falcon patted Vervain on the shoulder. "All done," he said. "I’ll go inside and see if
Arianrhod has arrived, and leave you here alone for a moment."

Vervain nodded, and when Falcon had closed the screen door, he hitched up his robes
and sat cross-legged in front of the altar.

He slowed his breathing, counting 1 -2 -3 -4 for the in-breath, holding for a count of two,
then exhaling to the count of four as well, and holding the exhalation for two. It was
simple and effective, and after a few cycles some of the nervousness slipped away and he
became hyper-aware of the cold bricks beneath his bare thighs, the rustle of the trees
over-hanging the circle, the faint roar of the freeway in the distance. He wished they were
out at the cabin, the Gods and Goddesses always seemed so much closer there, but part of
the challenge was to find them in the city, too.

The flames on the altar candles stopped flickering in the cool breeze, and stillness filled
the circle. The screen door thudded again, and Vervain stood up and stepped out of the
circle to greet the rest of the coven.

Lady Selene kissed his cheek and stepped down into the circle to anoint, and Vervain
stood back and let the others file into the circle ahead of him.

When they had anointed, Vervain said, "Chloe, I ask your permission to cast the circle."

Chloe nodded and said, "The circle is yours, Vervain."

He bowed his head to her. This was her circle, and he would be working in her space.

The others filed out, and Vervain picked up the broom and carefully swept the circle
widdershins, sweeping the debris into the fire grate in the South.

He had to put the circle up first, before he could even let himself think about the ritual,
and he took his athame out of its scabbard and began to run through the steps. It was a
process, a recipe, and if he could sustain the visualizations and the intent, it would work.
Salt and water, spurge, censor. Then the candle, perhaps his favorite part. He carried the
candle around the circle, and the air around the circle was filled with half felt presences,
shadows and whispers, promises that the Ancient Ones were there.

1

Then it was time to cast the circle, and Vervain took out his athame again and focused on
laying down the line of light on the ground that would become the circle. He was
sweating hard by the time he was a third of the way round, and he could feel a warm
patch between his shoulder blades that he assumed meant someone behind him was
channeling energy into him for the circle.

Once he had lain the circle down, he put away his athame and lifted his hands. This was
the tricky bit, to take that line of light and fill it out to make a hemisphere, and Vervain
closed his eyes and spoke the words, letting the idea that cats could pass freely through
the circle work its way through his mind at the same time. He wasn’t casting a circle just
to have Donel make holes in it.

When Vervain opened his eyes again, Lady Selene was nodding approvingly at him, so
he assumed the conjuring had worked. Good, quarters were next, and then the circle was
done.

He’d done quarters a few times already, so he felt more confident about them, and no one
tapped him on the shoulder to point out he had traced the pentagrams wrong, so that was
good.

When he had invoked Earth at the North, and he turned to face the rest of the coven,
sliding his athame back in its scabbard again. "The circle is cast," he said. "I’d like to do
something different at this point. Autumn Equinox is one of the two balance points of the
year. There are two moments in the year when day and night are equal, when the
pendulum of the year hangs still briefly. Tonight is one of those moments. This is a time
of stillness and suspension, balance and peace."

Everyone was listening attentively, so Vervain kept going. "Tonight, to help us
experience the stillness of the moment and prepare us for the ritual, we’re not going to
dance the rune. Instead, we’ll raise the power with the words alone."

Lady Selene laughed for a moment. "Well done, Vervain," she said. "Excellent idea."

They joined hands, and Vervain took a deep breath and led the Rune. "Darksome night
and shining moon..."

The power still rose quickly, feeling like tiny ants crawling over Vervain’s body and he
waited for two recitations of the closing phrase and called, "Drop," when the tension
inside him was so great he felt he couldn’t endure it any longer.

They sat in silence on the bricks for a moment, then Vervain said, "The aim of this ritual
is to experience this moment of stillness, to let the peace of the night fill our lives, before
the wheel of the year turns again, moving us toward Samhain and winter."

1

Vervain stood up again and took his athame out. Falcon had taught Vervain how to do the
next part, and had whole-heartedly endorsed Vervain’s ideas. "Excellent," he’d said.
"They threatened you and I with pogo sticks, they deserve this."

Vervain carefully cut a person sized hole in the circle, working counter-clockwise, and
parted the hole with his hands. "If you’d all please step outside," he said, and he stepped
through the gap himself.

It was colder outside the circle, and the sounds of the city were louder, and he sealed the
circle again and led the coven to the play equipment beside the sandpit in Chloe’s
backyard.

He stood beside the swing that hung in a rusty frame. "The best way to understand a
pendulum is on a swing," he said. "Lady Selene, if you would like to step up to the
swing."

Lady Selene shook her head slowly at Vervain, but she stepped up to the swing, sat down
gingerly on the narrow seat and gripped the ropes and began to swing herself through the
air.

She built up speed, and began to sail through the air, her hair and robes streaming behind
her on the forward swing, then wrapping around her face and legs on the backward
swing.

She laughed as she swung, then the swing slowed and stopped and she stepped off and
took the hand Vervain offered to steady her.

"Excellent," she said, and she kissed him on the cheek. "Inspired, Vervain, just inspired."

"Thank you, Lady," he said, and he offered his hand to Chloe to guide her up to the
swing.

They each had a turn on the swing, which creaked alarmingly under their adult weights,
and Vervain was grinning widely after his turn. He’d been fooling around on the swing
one night with Kim, not high or anything, and had made the connection between the
ritual and the feeling of the swing hesitating at the beginning and the end of its swoop
through the air, and it was just perfect.

He led them back to the circle, opening the door again, then sealing it after everyone has
passed back into the circle.

"In this moment of stillness, we balance between light and dark, between night and day,
between giving thanks to the Sun God for his bounty and grieving his impending death,"
Vervain said.

1

He paused and considered. He hadn’t scripted this part, and he waited for the words to
come to him. "In the spirit of the balance between new and old, over the next night and
day, I want each of us to embrace one new thing, and let go of one old thing."

There was silence for a moment and Vervain gave the others a chance to think about this
request, then Falcon stepped forward unexpectedly, surprising Vervain. He was carrying
a bedraggled pair of felt covered reindeer antlers and he held them out to Vervain. "I will
gladly relinquish these to you, as my letting go and your taking on," Falcon said.

Vervain took the antlers, touched by the gesture. Some versions of the Autumn Equinox
ritual involved a tussle for power between the Young God and the Old God, before a
reunion, but Vervain had not incorporated any of that mythology in the ritual. He took the
horns and hugged Falcon hard.

When Falcon stepped back, Lady Selene said, "At the risk of further upsetting your plans
for the ritual, Vervain, I’d like to say something, too. Falcon told me earlier that you had
asked him to draw down God for this ritual. In my opinion, you’re ready to draw solo
yourself."

Vervain looked at the antlers in his hands. He’d drawn down before, jointly with Chloe,
and with Falcon and Arianrhod at Lammas, but drawing down by himself was completely
different. What if he tried and nothing happened?

Falcon said, "Don’t worry about the words for the Charge, I’ll recite them for you," and
Vervain looked up gratefully at Falcon. He hadn’t even thought about the words of the
Charge.

Refusing what sounded like a gentle suggestion from Lady Selene, but was in fact an
order, wasn’t an option, so he nodded and put the antlers down beside the chalice and
undid his white cord and placed his cord and athame on the altar. He pulled his robe over
his head and took his pentagram off, too, and put the robe on the bricks in front of the
altar and the pentagram beside his knife and cord.

Vervain held his arms out and closed his eyes, and Falcon began to recite the Charge that
Vervain had chosen for the ritual.

"I who am the glory of the Sun and the Lord of the dance, the ripe grain that is reaped and
the seed which is sown…" Falcon recited. "I call to you with the cry of a babe and the
horn of the hunter…"

There was a presence behind Vervain, someone large, and he could smell the heavy scent
of their body, hovering between him and the altar, and their hands pulled at him roughly,
and they fucking slid into his ass, and he had to work hard not to moan. Falcon had said
drawing down was sexual, but, fuck, there was nothing in shared drawing downs to
prepare him for this.

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He caught a fragment of the words Falcon was saying, heard, "But know that I am both
harvester and harvest, the sacrificed," and he had a moment to worry about exactly how
hard he was, then he gave into the overwhelming need to laugh. He felt full of joy,
ecstatic joy, and as high as a kite. The world was very far away now, and the others
looked like tiny little action figures standing in a doll’s house circle, and he lurched
forward.

He would have fallen except that arms were wrapped securely around him, holding him
upright, and Falcon was chuckling close to his ear. "Got Pan, huh?" he said, and Vervain
couldn’t work out what he meant for a moment.

The music stopped and Vervain’s brain figured out what Falcon had said. He got Pan.
He’d drawn down God, and Pan had answered. Vervain shook his head, trying to clear it.
"Wow," he said.

The presence was slipping away, and he felt a pang of regret at this, it seemed sad that
Pan had left so soon. He almost jumped when Lady Selene’s hands settled on his feet and
she said, "Blessed are your feet that have brought you in these ways."

Five-fold kiss. He looked down for a moment then decided that was a bad idea. No need
to watch a middle-aged woman trying to work out how not to bump noses with his cock.

Falcon was last to kiss his lips, and he said, "Sit down, Vervain, before you fall over
again," and Vervain was glad to sink slowly down to the bricks and sit on his folded up
robe. Lady Selene squatted down beside him and held the chalice for him to bless, and he
picked his athame up off the altar behind him and consecrated the wine.

"Drink it all," Lady Selene said. "We’ll bless another batch in a moment."

He drained the chalice, and Lady Selene refilled it, and he blessed the second batch, then
the cookies. His head still felt furry and indecent inside, but at least his body was
recovering from the drawing down. Lady Selene sat down beside him and hugged him
while Chloe moved around the circle, taking it down, after it had become clear that
Vervain wasn’t going to be together enough any time soon to remember banishing
pentagrams.

"See?" Lady Selene said. "You were ready to draw down by yourself. More than ready.
Anyone that can write a ritual that involves me swinging on a child’s swing is more than
ready to meet Pan."

Cold air blasted in as the circle came down, and Vervain got shakily to his feet and pulled
on his robe. Not only had he survived writing and running his first ritual, and putting up a
circle by himself for the coven, he’d drawn down solo for the first time. He was smug.

***

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Kim crawled into Dash’s lap once he was dressed and slumped back on the couch, and
Dash hugged him.

"Good ritual?" Kim asked.

Dash slid his hand up under Kim’s T-shirt at the back and ran his fingers slowly over
Kim’s ribs, tracing his spine. "Yeah, more than good." He leaned forward and bit gently
on the smooth skin of Kim’s neck, and desire stirred his body. Kim tasted so good, and
Dash moved a little so his cock could press against Kim’s ass, and kissed Kim hard.

There was a clatter as Marie carried a tray of coffee cups into the den, making Dash lift
his mouth from Kim’s, and he took the glass of wine that Marie held out to him.

Marie smiled knowingly at Dash, making him blush a little as he said, "Thank you."

"Coven business," Marie said, pushing Donel sideways on an armchair so she had room
to sit down. "We need to talk about Samhain. Let’s not have a Falcon and Vervain ritual
for Samhain, I’ll do this one."

The End

This is dedicated to all the gender warriors I have known.

Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I would like to thank Lady Brigid and Lady Erinys, my two former
High Priestesses, and Phoenix, my Man in Black. Blessed Be.

Thanks are also due to my first readers, who have given me continuous feedback through
the writing process. In particular I’d like to thank Fiona Celeste for the corrections, and
for showing me the joy of semicolons.


Glossary
First degree. The first level of initiation a witch experiences, the level at which he or she
participates fully in the coven.

Second degree. The second level of initiation, when a witch begins to train for the role of
coven leader.

Third degree. The final level of initiation, when a witch is ready to lead a coven.

Out of Court. A preliminary set of eight lectures to introduce a newcomer to witchcraft,
and prepare them for their first degree initiation.

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Athame. A small black-handled knife that a witch uses for casting a magical circle,
amongst other things. An athame is preferably blunt, to reduce the risk of accidental nicks
when a group work in a confined space.

Cords. The three cords that signify the three levels of initiation (first: white; second: red;
third: black).

Skyclad. The practice of worshipping naked.

The Charge. A reasonably standardized set of words used during the process of drawing
down.

Drawing Down. The central act of worship for witches. A coven member acts as a vessel
for the God or Goddess, so that the others may worship the deity.

Five-fold kiss. The act of devotion for witches. The coven member who has drawn down
the God or Goddess is kissed on the feet, the knees, the belly, the breasts or chest, and the
lips.

Maiden. The Maiden is the High Priestess’s second-in-charge, and does much of the
organisation of the coven. A coven will often have a High Priest and/or a Man-in-Black,
to handle the pyrotechnics, transport and music.