PraiseforTHEVINCENTBOYSand
THEVINCENTBROTHERSbyAbbiGlines
“Icouldn’tputBeaudownuntilIgottotheverylastpage.Anaddictingread!”ColleenHoover,NewYork
TimesbestsellingauthorofSlammedandPointofRetreat
“IdevouredeverylastwordofTheVincentBrothers.AbbiGlinesknowshowtowriteherleadingmen.I
grewupintheSouthernUS,andclearlysodidAbbiGlines.It’sdisappointinglyrareforsomeonetonail
the Southern temperament, even when they live there. The Vincent Boys proves it knows the landscape
quickerthanaduckonaJunebug.”TammaraWebber,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofEasy
“Makingthechoicebetweenwhatisexpectedandwhattheheartneedstosurvive,thiswonderfulyoung
adultnovelteststhebondsoffriendship,thestrengthoffamily,andthedesiresofyounglove.Itpulledmy
heartinalltherightplaces.”TinaReber,authorofLoveUnscripted
“I’lladmitIwasdrawntothecoverandthepremisebeforeitwasevenreleased.Butwow,onceIstarted
readingIcouldn’tputitdown!”ElizabethReyes,authorofTheMorenoBrothersseries
Tomyson,Austin.Theonlyperson
whounderstandsmyloveforAlabamafootball
becausehejustmayloveitalittlemore.
Sevenyearsago...
“You noticed anything different about Ash?” my cousin, Sawyer, asked as he climbed up the tree to sit
beside me on our favorite limb overlooking the lake. I shrugged, not sure how to answer his question.
Sure,I’dnoticedthingsaboutAshlately.Likethewayhereyeskindasparklewhenshelaughsandhow
prettyherlegslookinshorts.Butthere’snowayI’mconfessingthosethingstoSawyer.He’dtellAshand
they’dbothlaughtheirbuttsoff.
“No,”Ireplied,notlookingatSawyerforfearhe’dbeabletotellIwaslying.
“IheardMomtalkingtoDadtheotherday,sayinghowyouandmewouldstartnoticingAshdifferently
realsoon.ShesaidAshwasturningintoabeautyandthingsbetweenthethreeofuswouldchange.Idon’t
want things to change,” Sawyer said with a touch of concern in his voice. I couldn’t look him at him.
Instead,Ikeptmyeyesfixedonthelake.
“I wouldn’t worry about it. Ash is Ash. Sure, she’s always been pretty, I guess, but that’s not what’s
important.Shecanclimbatreefasterthaneitherofus,shebaitsherownhook,andshecanfillupwater
balloonslikeapro.Thethreeofushavebeenbestfriendssincepreschool.Thatwon’tchange.”Ichanced
aglanceatSawyer.Myspeechsoundedprettyconvincing,eventome.
Sawyer smiled and nodded. “You’re right. Who cares that she’s got hair like some kind of fairy
princess?She’sAsh.Speakingofwaterballoons,couldyoutwopleasestopsneakingoutandthrowing
them at cars right outside my house at night. My parents are gonna catch y’all one of these days and I
won’tbeabletogety’allouttatrouble.”
I grinned, thinking about Ash covering her mouth to silence her giggles last night when we’d snuck
downheretofilluptheballoons.Thatgirlsurelovedtobreakrules.AlmostasmuchasIdid.
“Iheardmyname.YoutwobetternotstillbemakingfunofmeaboutthisstupidbraMama’smakingme
wear.I’vehaditwiththejokes.I’llbreakbothyournosesifitdoesn’tstop.”Ash’svoicestartledme.She
wasstandingatthebottomofthetreewithabucketofcricketsinonehandandafishingpoleintheother.
“Arewegonnafishorhady’allratherjuststaredownatmelikeI’vegrownanotherhead?”
Chapter1
Ashton
Whycouldn’tIhavejustmadeithomewithoutseeingthem?Iwasn’tinthemoodtoplaygoodfreaking
SamaritantoBeauandhistrashygirlfriend.Althoughhewasn’there,Sawyerwouldexpectmetostop.
Withafrustratedgroan,IsloweddownandpulledupbesideBeau,whohadputsomedistancebetween
himandhisvomitinggirlfriend.Apparentlythrowingupwasn’tamatingcallforhim.
“Where’s your truck parked, Beau?” I asked in the most annoyed tone I could muster. He flashed me
thatstupidsexygrinheknewmadeeveryfemaleintownmeltathisfeet.I’dliketobelieveIwasimmune,
afteralltheseyears,butIwasn’t.Beingimmunetothetown’sbadboywasimpossible.
“Don’ttellmeperfectlittleAshtonGrayisgonnaoffertohelpmeout,”hedrawled,leaningdownto
stareatmethroughmyopenwindow.
“Sawyer’soutoftownsotheprivilegefallstome.Hewouldn’tletyoudrivehomedrunkandneither
willI.”
He chuckled, sending a shiver of pleasure down my spine. God. He even laughed sexy. “Thanks,
beautiful, but I can handle this. Once Nic stops puking I’ll throw her in my truck. I can drive the three
milestoherhouse.Yourunonalongnow.Don’tyouhaveaBiblestudysomewhereyoushouldbeat?”
Arguingwithhimwaspointless.Hewouldjuststartthrowingoutmoresnidecommentsuntilhehadme
somadIcouldn’tseestraight.Ipressedthegasandturnedintotheparkinglot.LikeIwasgoingtobeable
tojustleaveandlethimdrivehomedrunk.HecouldinfuriatemewithawinkofhiseyeandIworkedreal
hardatbeingnicetoeveryone.IscannedtheparkedcarsforhisoldblackChevytruck.OnceIspottedit,I
walkedovertohimandheldoutmyhand.
“EitheryoucangivemethekeystoyourtruckorIcangodiggingforthem.What’sitgoingtobe,Beau?
Youwantmesearchingyourpockets?”
Acrookedgrintouchedhisface.“Asamatteroffact,IthinkImightjustenjoyyoudiggingaroundinmy
pockets,Ash.Whydon’twegowithoptionnumbertwo.”
Heatroseupmyneckandleftsplotchesofcoloronmycheeks.Ididn’tneedamirrortoknowIwas
blushinglikeanidiot.Beaunevermadesuggestivecommentstomeorevenflirtedwithme.Ihappenedto
betheonlyreasonablyattractivefemaleatschoolhecompletelyignored.
“Don’tyoudaretouchhim,youstupidbitch.Hiskeysareintheignitionofhistruck,”Nicole,Beau’s
on-again-off-againgirlfriendsnarledatme,liftingherhead,andslingingherdarkbrownhairbackover
hershoulder.Bloodshotblueeyesfilledwithhatewatchedmeasifdaringmetotouchwhatwashers.I
didn’trespondtoher,nordidIlookbackupatBeau.Instead,Iturnedandheadedforhistruck,reminding
myselfIwasdoingthisforSawyer.
“Comeonthenandgetinthetruck,”Ibarkedatbothofthembeforeslidingintothedriver’sseat.Itwas
reallyhardnottofocusonthefactthiswasthefirsttimeI’deverbeeninBeau’struck.Aftercountless
nightslyingonmyroofwithhimtalkingaboutthedaywegotourdriver’slicenseandalltheplaceswe
would go, I was just now, at seventeen years old, sitting inside his truck. Beau picked Nicole up and
dumpedherintheback.
“Lay down unless you get sick again, then make sure you puke over the side,” he snapped while
opening the driver’s side door. “Hop out, princess. She’s about to pass out, she won’t care if I’m
driving.”
Igrippedthesteeringwheeltighter.
“I’mnotgoingtoletyoudrive.You’reslurringyourwords.Youdon’tneedtodrive.”
Heopenedhismouthtoarguethenmumbledsomethingthatsoundedlikeacursewordbeforeslamming
thedoorandwalkingaroundthefrontofthetrucktogetinonthepassenger’sside.Hedidn’tsayanything
andIdidn’tglanceoverathim.WithoutSawyeraround,Beaumademenervous.
“I’mtiredofarguingwithfemalestonight.That’stheonlyreasonI’mlettingyoudrive,”hegrumbled
withoutaslurthistime.Itwasn’tsurprisinghecouldcontroltheslurring.Theboyhadbeengettingdrunk
beforemostthekidsouragehadtastedtheirfirstbeer.WhenaguyhadafacelikeBeau’s,oldergirlstook
notice.He’dbeensnagginginvitestothefieldpartieswaybeforetherestofus.
Imanagedashrug.“Youwouldn’thavetoarguewithmeifyoudidn’tdrinksomuch.”
Heletoutahardlaugh.“Youreallyareaperfectlittlepreacher’sdaughter,aren’tyou,Ash?Onceupon
a time you were a helluva lot more fun. Before you started sucking face with Sawyer, we used to have
somegoodtimestogether.”
He was watching me for a reaction. Knowing his eyes were directed at me made it hard to focus on
driving.
“Youweremypartnerincrime,Ash.Sawyerwasthegoodguy.Butthetwoofus,wewerethetrouble
makers.Whathappened?”
HowdidIrespondtothat?NooneknewthegirlwhousedtostealbubblegumfromtheQuickStopor
abduct the paper boy to tie him up so we could take all his papers and dip them in blue paint before
leavingthemonthefrontdoorstepsofhouses.Nooneknewthegirlwhosnuckoutofherhouseattwoin
the morning to go toilet paper yards and throw water balloons at cars from behind the bushes. No one
wouldevenbelieveI’ddoneallthosethingsifItoldthem...noonebutBeau.
“Igrewup,”Ifinallyreplied.
“Youcompletelychanged,Ash.”
“Wewerekids,Beau.Yes,youandIgotintotroubleandSawyergotusoutoftroublebutwewerejust
kids.I’mdifferentnow.”
Foramomenthedidn’trespond.HeshiftedinhisseatandIknewhisgazewasnolongerfocusedon
me.We’dneverhadthisconversationbefore.Evenifitwasuncomfortable,Iknewitwaswayoverdue.
SawyeralwaysstoodinthewayofBeauandmemendingourfences.FencesthatcrumbledandInever
knewwhy.OnedayhewasBeau,mybestfriend.Thenextdayhewasjustmyboyfriend’scousin.
“Imissthatgirl,youknow.Shewasexciting.Sheknewhowtohavefun.Thisperfectlittlepreacher’s
daughterwhotookherplacesucks.”
His words hurt. Maybe because they were coming from him or maybe because I understood what he
wassaying.Itwasn’tasifIneverthoughtaboutthatgirl.Ihatedhimformakingmemisshertoo.Iworked
really hard at keeping her locked away. Having someone actually want her to be set loose made it so
muchhardertokeepherundercontrol.
“I’dratherbeapreacher’sdaughterthanadrunkwhorewhovomitsalloverherself,”Isnappedbefore
Icouldstopmyself.AlowchucklestartledmeandIglancedoverasBeausunkdownlowenoughinhis
seatsohisheadrestedonthewornleatherinsteadofthehardwindowbehindhim.
“Iguessyou’renotcompletelyperfect.Sawyer’dnevercallsomeoneaname.Doesheknowyouuse
thewordwhore?”
ThistimeIgrippedthesteeringwheelsotightlymyknucklesturnedwhite.Hewastryingtomakeme
madandhewasdoingafabulousjob.Ihadnoresponsetohisquestion.Thetruthwas,Sawyerwouldbe
shockedI’dcalledsomeoneawhore.Especiallyhiscousin’sgirlfriend.
“Loosenup,Ash,it’snotlikeI’mgoingtotellonyou.I’vebeenkeepingyoursecretsforyears.Ilike
knowingmyAshisstilltheresomewhereunderneaththatperfectfacade.”
Irefusedtolookathim.ThisconversationwasgoingsomewhereIdidn’twantittogo.
“Nooneisperfect.Idon’tpretendtobe.”Itwasalieandwebothknewit.SawyerwasperfectandI
workedhardtobeworthy.ThewholetownknewIfellshortofSawyer’sglowingreputation.
Beauletoutashorthardlaugh.“Yes,Ash,youdopretendtobe.”
IpulledintoNicole’sdriveway.Beaudidn’tmove.
“She’spassedout.You’regoingtohavetohelpher,”Iwhispered,afraidhe’dhearthehurtinmyvoice.
“Youwantmetohelpavomitingwhore?”heaskedwithanamusedtone.
Isighedandfinallyglancedoverathim.Heremindedmeofafallenangelwiththemoonlightcastinga
glowonhissunkissedblondehair.Hiseyelidswereheavierthanusualandhisthickeyelashesalmost
concealedthehazelcolorunderneath.
“She’syourgirlfriend.Helpher.”Imanagedtosoundangry.WhenIletmyselfstudyBeauthisclosely,
itwashardtogetdisgustedwithhim.IcouldstillseethelittleboyI’doncethoughthungthemoonstaring
backatme.Ourpastwouldalwaysbetherekeepingusfromeverreallybeingcloseagain.
“Thanksforremindingme,”hesaid,reachingforthedoorhandlewithoutbreakinghiseyecontactwith
me.Idroppedmygazetostudymyhandsnowfoldedinmylap.Nicolefumbledaroundinthebackofthe
truck, causing it to shake gently, reminding us she was back there. After a few more silent moments he
finallyopenedthedoor.
BeaucarriedNicole’slimpbodytothedoorandknocked.Itopenedandhewalkedinside.Iwondered
whoopenedthedoor.WasitNicole’smom?Didshecareherdaughterwaspassedoutdrunk?Wasshe
lettingBeautakeheruptoherroom?WouldBeaustaywithher?Crawlinbedwithherandfallasleep?
Beaureappearedinthedoorwaybeforemyimaginationgottoocarriedaway.
OncehewasbackinsidethetruckIcrankeditupandheadedforthetrailerparkwherehelived.
“So tell me, Ash, is your insistence to drive home the drunk guy and his whore girlfriend because
you’re the perpetual good girl who helps everyone? ’Cause I know you don’t like me much, so I’m
curiousastowhyyouwanttomakesureIgethomesafe.”
“Beau,you’remyfriend.OfcourseIlikeyou.We’vebeenfriendssincewewerefive.Sure,wedon’t
hangoutanymoreorgoterrorizingtheneighborhoodtogetherbutIstillcareaboutyou.”
“Sincewhen?”
“Sincewhenwhat?”
“Sincewhendoyoucareaboutme?”
“That is a stupid question, Beau. You know I’ve always cared about you,” I replied. Even though I
knewhewouldn’tletsuchavagueanswerfly.ThetruthwasIneverreallytalkedtohimmuchanymore.
Nicolewasnormallywrappedaroundoneofhisbodyparts.Andwhenhespoketomeitwasalwaysto
makesomewisecrack.
“Youhardlyacknowledgemyexistence,”hereplied.
“That’snottrue.”
Hechuckled.“WesatbyeachotherinHistoryallyearandyouhardlyeverglancedmyway.Atlunch
youneverlookatmeandIsitatthesametableyoudo.We’reatthefieldpartieseveryweekendandif
youeverturnyoursuperiorgazeinmydirectionit’snormallywithadisgustedexpression.So,I’malittle
shockedyoustillconsidermeafriend.”
ItwouldbeeasiertobelievethiswasthealcoholtalkingbutIknewitwasn’t.Wehadn’tbeenalonein
overthreeyears.SincethemomentIbecameSawyer’sgirlfriend,ourrelationshiphadchanged.
ThelargeoaktreessignaledtheturnintothetrailerparkBeauhadlivedinallhislife.Therichbeauty
ofthesouthernlandscapeasyoupulledontothegravelroadwasdeceiving.OnceIdrovepastthelarge
trees, the scenery drastically changed. Weathered trailers with old cars up on blocks and battered toys
scattered the yards. More than one window was covered by wood or plastic. I didn’t gawk at my
surroundings.Eventhemansittingonhisporchstepsinnothingbuthisunderwearandacigarettehanging
outofhismouthdidn’tsurpriseme.Iknewthistrailerparkwell.Itwasapartofmychildhood.Icameto
astopinfrontofBeau’strailer.
ItookadeepbreaththenturnedtolookatBeau.“Inevertalkinclass.Nottoanyonebuttheteacher.
YounevertalktomeatlunchsoIhavenoreasontolookyourway.Attractingyourattentionleadstoyou
making fun of me. And, at the field, I’m not looking at you with disgust. I’m looking at Nicole with
disgust.Youcouldreallydomuchbetterthanher.”IstoppedmyselfbeforeIsaidanythingstupid.
Hetiltedhisheadtothesideasifstudyingme.“Youdon’tlikeNicolemuch,doyou?Youdon’thaveto
worryaboutherhangupwithSawyer.Heknowswhathe’sgotandheisn’tgoingtomessitup.Nicole
can’tcompetewithyou.”
Nicole had a thing for Sawyer? She was normally mauling Beau. I’d never picked up on her liking
Sawyer.Iknewthey’dbeenaniteminseventhgradeforlikeacoupleofweeksbutthatwasjuniorhigh
school.Itdidn’treallycount.Besides,shewaswithBeau.Whywouldshebeinterestedinanyoneelse?
“Ididn’tknowshelikedSawyer,”Ireplied,stillnotsureIbelievedhim.Sawyerwassonothertype.
“Yousoundsurprised,”Beaureplied.
“Well,Iamactually.Imean,shehasyou.WhydoesshewantSawyer?”
Apleasedsmiletouchedhislips,makinghishazeleyeslightup.Ihadn’tmeanttosayanythinghecould
misconstruethewayhewasobviouslydoing.
He reached for the door handle before pausing and glancing back at me. “I didn’t know my teasing
botheredyou,Ash.I’llstop.”
Thathadn’tbeenwhatIwasexpectinghimtosay.UnabletothinkofaresponseIsatthereholdinghis
gaze.
“I’ll get your car switched back before your parents see my truck at your house in the morning.” He
stepped out of the truck and I watched him walk toward the door of his trailer with one of the sexiest
swaggers known to man. Beau and I had needed to have this talk. Even if it meant my imagination was
goingtogowildforawhilewherehewasconcerned.Mysecretattractiontothetown’sbadboyhadto
remainasecret.
The next morning I found my car parked in the driveway as promised, with a note wedged under the
windshieldwipers.Ireachedforitandasmallsmiletouchedmylips.
Thanksforlastnight.I’vemissedyou.Hehadsimplysignedit‘B’.
Chapter2
Ashton,
Heybaby.I’msorryIamjustnowrespondingtoyouremail.Ourinternethere’snotrealdependable
and 3G is non-existent so my phone is no help. I miss you like crazy. I think about you all day and
wonderwhatyou’redoing.We’respendingmostofourdayshiking.Thetrailwetookyesterdayledto
anamazingwaterfall.Afterfivemilesuphillintheheattheice-coldwateratthefallsfeltgreat.Ikept
wishingyouwerehere.
Itissafetosaymyfutureisnotinfishing.Isuckatit.Cadeiskickingmytailincatches.Hetoldme
yesterday I needed to stick with football. LOL. I am enjoying my time with him. Thanks for
understandinghowmuchIneededtodothis.Heneedsmerightnow.Hisbigbrotherwillbeleavingin
a year and I’ll be a phone call away but I won’t be there to watch his football practice or help him
withhisfirstcrush.I’mtryingtoshareallmywisdomwithhimnow.
Iloveyou,AshtonSutleyGray,soverymuch.I’mtheluckiestguyintheworld.
Sawyer
Sawyer,
Ifiguredyourdelayedresponsehadtodowithinternetissues.Theconnectionupinthemountains
can’tbethatgreat.Atleastnotupinasecludedcabinlikey’allarein.Imissyoutoo.I’mgladyou’re
gettinginsomebigbrothertimewithCade.Iknowitmeanssomuchtohim.
Asforme,Iamworkingatthechurchagoodbit.Nothingmuchtodowithyougone.Ihaven’tbeen
goingtothefieldontheweekends.Icleanthechurchmostlythenrentamovie.LeannandNoahare
togetherofficiallynow.Whensheisn’tworkingsheiswithhim.So,thatleavesmewithoutanyone.I’m
sousedtospendingallmytimewithyou.GiveCadeandCatherineahugfromme.
IamcountingdownthedaysuntilIseeyourfaceagain.
LoveuBunches,
Ashton
IstaredatthecomputerscreenafterIclickedsend.ThefactIhadn’tmentionedBeaubotheredmealittle.
I started to tell him about giving Beau and Nicole a drive home. We never really talked about Beau
anymore.Sawyerdoessometimeswhenhe’sworriedabouthim.MostofSawyer’slifehe’stakencareof
Beau.
Beau was the son of the Vincent brother who had lived a wild life up until the day he crashed his
motorcycleintoaneighteen-wheeler.Beauhadbeeninfirstgradewhenithappened.Irememberhiseyes
beingbloodshotfromcryingformonths.Hewouldsneakoutofhistrailerandcometomyhouseinthe
middleofthenight.I’dslipoutsidemywindowandwewouldsitonmyroofforhoursthinkingofthings
wecoulddotomakehimfeelbetter.NormallythoseideaswouldleadtoseriousmischiefthatSawyer
hadtobailusoutof.
SawyerwasthesonofthegoodVincentbrother,theoldestofthetwo.Hehadgonetolawschooland
made a fortune defending the average Joe against insurance companies. The town loved Harris Vincent
and his beautiful church-going, junior-league-member, tennis-playing wife, Samantha Vincent, and of
coursetheirtalentedall-Americanoldestson.
Thistownwasn’tbigand,likeanysmallsoutherntown,weallkneweveryone’sbusiness.Theirpast
wascommonknowledge.Theirparents’pastwasnosecret.Youdidn’thavesecretsinGrove,Alabama.
It wasn’t possible—well, except maybe at the field. In the dark shadows of the pecan grove that
surrounded the large open field where the Mason boys held their famous parties I’m sure were many
secrets.Itwastheonlyplacethelittleol’ladiescouldn’twatchyoufromtheirfrontporchswingandthe
onlyeyesaroundweretoobusywiththeirownmischieftonoticeyours.
Reachingover,IpickedupthepictureSawyerhadframedandgiventomeofusatafieldpartylast
month.Hiskindsmileandbrightgreeneyesmademefeelguilty.Ihadn’tdoneanythingwrongreally.I’d
justleftoutthefactIhadhelpedBeaugethomesafelastnight.Ishouldhavetoldhim.Settingthepicture
backdownonthedesk,Istoodupandwalkedovertotheclosettofindsomethingtowear.Ineededtoget
outofthehouse.Thissummerwasgoingtogobyatasnail’spaceifIdidn’tfindsomethingtodo.My
GranawasbackhomefromvisitinghersisterupinSavannah.Icouldgovolunteeratthenursinghome,
thengovisitGrana.Thatway,whenIemailedSawyertomorrow,IcouldtellhimI’dgonetothenursing
hometoseehisgrandmother.He’dlikethat.
OnceI’ddonemygooddeedforthedayandvisitedwithGrandmaVincent,IheadedtoGrana’shouse.
I was anxious to see her. I always missed her like crazy when she was away. With Sawyer and Grana
gone,Ireallyhadfeltallalone.Atleastshewasbacknow.
Theminutemycardoorclosed,Grana’sfrontdooropenedandoutshestepped,grinningandholdinga
tallglassofsweeticedtea.Herwhite-blondehairbarelybrushedhershoulders,andIbitmyliptokeep
fromsmiling.We’dhadadiscussionaboutthefactsheneededtocutherhairbeforesheleft.Itwasgetting
too long for someone her age. I’d told her so, and she’d waved me off as if I didn’t know what I was
talkingabout.Guessshechangedhermind.ThetwinkleinhergreeneyestoldmesheknewwhatIwas
thinking.
“Well, lookie who decided to stop by and visit her Grana. I was beginning to wonder if you were
requiringawritteninvitationthesedays,”sheteased.Ilaughedandwalkedupthestepstohugher.
“Youjustgothomeyesterday,”Iremindedher.Shetookasniffofmyshirtandleanedbacktolookat
me.
“Smellslikesomebodystoppedbytheoldfolk’shometovisitherboyfriend’sgrandmamabeforeshe
cametoseehers.”
“Ohstopit.Iwasgivingyoutimetosleepin.Iknowtravelingishardonyou.”
Shetookmyhandandledmeovertositdownbesideheronthefrontporchswing.Thediamondson
herfingersglistenedagainstthesunlight.Thecoldglasssheheldwaspressedintomyhands.
“Here,drinkthis.IpoureditassoonasIsawthatlittlecarpullinthedrive.”
Icouldrelaxhere.ThiswasGrana.Shedidn’texpectmetobeperfect.Shejustwantedmetobehappy.
“So,youtalkedtothatboyfriendofyourssincehe’sbeengoneorareyouhavingyousomefuntimeswith
anotherfellawhilehe’saway?”
IspewedtheteafrommymouthandshookmyheadasIbegantocough.Howwasitshealwaysknew
whatwasgoingonwhennooneelsedid?
“Well,whoishe?He’smadeyouspitteaallovermylap.Iatleastwantanameandafewdetails.”
ShakingmyheadIturnedsoIcouldlookherintheeyes.“Thereisnoone.Igotstrangledonmytea
becauseyouaskmesuchaninsanequestion.WhywouldIcheatonSawyer?He’sperfect,Grana.”
Shemadea‘hmph’soundandreachedoverandpattedmyleg.
“Ain’tnomanperfect,babygirl.Notaone.Notevenyourdaddy.Althoughhethinksheis.”
ShealwaysjokedaboutDaddybeingapastor.He’dbeena‘hellraiser’growingupaccordingtoher.
When she’d tell me stories about him as a kid her eyes would light up. Sometimes I could swear she
missedthepersonheusedtobe.
“Sawyer’sasperfectasitgets.”
“WellIdon’tknowaboutthat.IdrovebytheLowrys’thismorningandhiscousinBeauwasoutcutting
theirgrass.”Shepausedandshookherheadwithabiggrinonherface.“Girl,thereain’taboyinthis
towncanholdacandletoBeauwithhisshirtoff.”
“GRANA!”Iswattedherhand,horrifiedthatmygrandmotherhadadmiredBeaushirtless.
Shechuckled.“What!I’mold,Ashtonbaby,notblind.”IknewhowBeaulookedshirt-offandsweaty.
I’dalmosthadawrecklastweekwhenI’dpassedtheGreens’andhe’dbeencuttingtheirgrassshirtless.
Itwashardnottolookat.I’dtoldmyselfIhadjustbeenexaminingthetattooonhisribs,butofcourseI
knewthetruth.
“Iain’ttheonlyoldwomanlooking.I’mjusttheonlyonehonestenoughtoadmitit.Theothershirethe
boytocuttheirgrassjustsotheycansitatthewindowanddrool.”
ThiswaswhyIlovedmyGrana.Beingwithheralwaysmademelaugh.Sheacceptedlifeforwhatit
was.Shedidn’tpretendorputonairs.ShewasjustGrana.
“Iwouldn’tknowhowBeaulooksshirtless,”Ilied.“Idoknowhe’snothingbuttrouble.”
Granaclickedhertongueandusedherfeettogiveusagoodpush.“Troublecanbealotoffun.It’sthe
straightandnarrowthatmakeslifetediousandboring.You’reyoung,Ashton.I’mnotsayingyouneedto
gooutandruinyourlife.I’mjustsayingsomeexcitementisgoodforthesoul.”
AnimageofBeausloucheddownintheseatbesidemeinhistrucklastnight,staringatmethroughhis
thickcurlylashes,mademypulserateincrease.Hewasdefinitelymorethanalittleexcitement.Hewas
lethal.
“Enoughaboutboys.IhaveoneandI’mnotinthemarketforanotherone.Howwasyourtrip?”Grana
smiledandcrossedherlegs.Onehigh-heeledbacklesssandaldangledfromherhotpinktoenails.Itwas
hardtobelieveshewasmystraight-lacedfather’smother.
“We visited. Drank some whisky sours. Caught us a few shows at the theatre. That sort of thing.”
SoundedliketheusualtriptoAuntTabatha’s.
“DidDaddycomebytocheckonyouthismorning?”
She sighed dramatically. “Yes, and he of course prayed for my soul. The boy has no sense of
adventure.”
Ismiledintomyglassoficedtea.Granawassomuchfun.
“Youbestnotrepeatthattohimeither.Ihavehimoverhereenough,preachingatme.”Shenudgedmy
legwithhers.
“Ineverdo,Grana.”
Granagaveusanotherpushwithherfoot.“So,ifyouaren’tgonnagofindyourselfatattooedsexybad
boytospendyoursummerwith,thenyouandIneedtodosomething.Can’thaveyoucleaningthechurch
everyday.Where’stheexcitementinthat?”
“Shopping.Wecouldalwaysgoshopping,”Ireplied.
“That’smygirl.Wewillshop.Butnottoday.Ihavetounpackandcleanthisplaceup.Wewillmakea
datelaterthisweek.Justyouandme.Maybewecanfindussomefellaswhileweareout.”
Shaking my head, I laughed at her teasing comment. She really wasn’t a fan of Sawyer. She was the
onlypersoninthistownwhodidn’tthinkhewalkedonwater.
AftermakingplanstogoshoppingwithGrana,Iheadedbacktothehouse.I’dmanagedtospendagood
partofthedayoutofmybedroom.Icouldfinishuptherestofthedaylighthourswithagoodbook.
Luckily,neitherofmyparentswashomewhenIpulledintothedriveway.
WhenDaddywashome,hewouldalwayscomeupwithsomejobIneededtodoatthechurch.Iwasn’t
inthemoodtospendtherestofmydaymakingsureallthepewshadahymnal,orwipingdowntablesin
theSundayschoolrooms.Ijustwantedtogoreadasteamyromancenovelandliveinthefictionalpages
foralittlewhile.
ThemomentIsteppedintomybedroomtochangeoutofmyclothes,whichreekedofdisinfectantspray
and old people, my phone dinged, alerting me of a text message. Digging into my pocket, I pulled my
phoneoutandstoodstaringdownatthescreenasaseriesofemotionsranthroughme.
Beau:Meetmeatthehole
The hole was the small lake on the farthest part of Sawyer’s property. Beau wanted to meet me out
therealone?Why?MyheartspedupthinkingaboutwhatitwasBeauwasplanning.Ishiftedmyeyesto
the romance novel I’d been going to read and decided that an afternoon back in the woods with Beau
Vincent would be more exciting. Guilt was somewhere inside me, trying hard to beat its way past the
sudden wicked need to do something wrong. Before I could come to my senses and change my mind, I
replied.
Me:Betherein15
My heart hammered against my chest with nervous excitement, or maybe it was the fear of getting
caught.Iwasn’treallydoinganythingwrong.Imean,Beauwasmyfriend—sortof.Hewaslonelytoo.It
wasn’t like I was going to the hole to make out with him. He probably just wanted to finish the
conversation we’d had in his truck last night. He was sober now. More than likely he just wanted to
clarify that he hadn’t meant for me to take anything the wrong way. It wasn’t like we were going to go
swimmingtogetheroranything.
Beau:Wearaswimsuit.
Okay. Maybe we were going to go swimming. I didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure what to say. The right
thingtodowouldbetosayno.ButIalwaysdidtherightthing.Always.JustthisonceIwantedtodowhat
Iwantedtodo.Iletthebadgirloutjustalittle.
Iwalkedtowardmyclosetandwentforthesmallbagtuckedawayonthetopshelf.TheredbikiniI’d
boughtforSawyer,butneverworearoundhimforfearhewoulddisapprove,wasnestledinthebottomof
theshoppingbag.SomanytimesI’dreachedforthebagbuthadneveractuallytakenitout.Thebikinihad
been an impulse buy, one I figured would end up rotting away unseen. I could almost see Grana’s
approvinggrinasIslowlypulledouttherevealingswimsuitshehadinsistedIbuy.
“How’sthisfortrouble,Grana?”Iwhisperedtomyselfbeforeasmallgiggleescapedme.
Beau
IfI’devertakenthetimetowonderaboutmysoulbeingasblackasthistownseemedtobelieve,Iknew
themomentAshtonsteppedoutofherlittlewhiteJetta,lookinglikeanangelfromheaven,thatmysoul
wasdamnedtohell.WhenI’dsentthetextaskinghertomeetmeit’dbeentoremindmehowuntouchable
shewas.Ithoughtseeingher‘no’responsewould’vebeenthewake-upcallIneededtostopobsessing
over her. Instead she agreed and my stupid black heart had soared. I watched her steps falter when her
prettygreeneyesmetmine.MorethananythingIwantedtowalkovertoherandreassureherIwasgoing
tobegood.Justtalktoherandwatchthewayhereyeslightupwhenshelaughsorthewayshenibbleson
her bottom lip when she’s nervous. But I couldn’t act on that desire. She wasn’t mine. She hadn’t been
mineforaverylongtime.Sheshouldn’tbehereandIshouldn’thaveasked.Soinsteadofreassuringher,I
keptleaningagainstthetreelookinglikethedevilandhopingsheturnedandran.
She started walking toward me and perfect white teeth caught her full bottom lip between them. I’d
fantasizedaboutthoselipswaytoomanytimes.She’dbarelycoveredupherlongtannedlegswithapair
ofshortsthatmademewanttogotochurchthisSundayjusttothankGodforcreatingher.
“Hey,”shesaidwithanervousblush.
Damn,shewasgorgeous.I’dneverenviedanythingofSawyer’s.Ilovedhimlikeabrother.Hewasthe
onlyfamilyItrulyloved.WhenheexcelledIsilentlycheeredhimon.He’dstoodbymethrougharough
childhood, begging his parents to let me stay over nights when I was too scared to go back to a dark,
emptytrailer.He’dalwayshadeverythingIdidn’thave.Theperfectparents,homelife,butnoneofthat
hadmatteredbecauseIhadAshton.Sure,weallthreewerefriendsbutAshhadbeenmine.She’dbeen
my partner in crime, the one person I told all my dreams and fears to, my soul mate. Then just like
everythingelseinSawyer’sperfectlife,hegotmygirl.TheonlythingI’dthoughtIcouldcallminehad
becomehis.
“Youcame,”Ifinallyreplied.Herblushdeepened.
“Yes,butI’mnotsurewhy.”
“Meeither,”Ireplied,sincewewerebeinghonest.
Shetookadeepbreathandputherhandsonherhips.Notaposesheneededtobeinwithabikinitop
being the only thing covering her generous cup size. The view was more stimulation than I needed so I
toremyeyesoffhercleavage.
“Look,Beau,I’mboredandlonelywithSawyergone.LeanniseitherwaitingtablesatHank’sorwith
Noah.IthinkI’dliketobe...friends.Youweremybestfriendforeightyearsofmylife.I’dliketofind
thatagain.”
“Okay,”Isaid,grabbingthehemofmyshirtandyankingitovermyhead.“Let’sswim.”
Ididn’twaittoseeifshe’dactuallystepoutofthosetinyshorts.Partofmewantedtowatchhertake
themoffbuttheotherpartknewmyheartcouldn’thandlewatchingAshtonshimmyingoutoftheblasted
things.Myheartmaybeblackbutitwasstillcapableofheartfailure.
Igrabbedthebranchovermyheadandswungmybodyupontoit.Standingonthethicklimb,Iwalked
outandgrabbedtheropeswing.ForamomentIwasakidagain,flyingoutoverthelake.Lettinggo,I
flippedanddovesmoothlyintothestillwater.WhenmyheadbrokethesurfaceIturnedtolookbackat
thebankinhopesImightcatchaglimpseofherundressing.ThelittleshortsweregoneandAshtonwas
walkingovertotherope.Thiswasn’tthefirsttimeI’dseenherinabikinibutitwasthefirsttimeI’d
allowedmyselftoenjoytheview.Myheartbeganslammingagainstmychest,butIcouldn’ttakemyeyes
offherassheclimbeduptheladderI’dmadeyearsagooutofpiecesofwoodnailedintothetreetrunkso
Ashcouldclimbthetree.Shewalkedslowlyoutontothebranchandsmirkeddownatmebeforegrabbing
theropeandswingingoutoverthewater.Aftermakingaperfectspiral,shemadeonecompleteflipand
doveintothewater.Ithadtakenmethreelongafternoonstoteachherhowtoflipofftheropeswingand
landsmoothlyintothewater.She’dbeeneightyearsoldanddeterminedtodoeverythingSawyerandI
did.
Ashton’sheademergedfromthewaterandtiltedbackasherhandssmoothedthewetcurlsoutofher
face.“Itisn’tascoldasI’dhoped,”shesaid,grinningtriumphantly.
“It’sninety-sixdegreesandrisingtoday.Beforethemonthisoverthiswillfeellikebathwater.”Imade
anattemptnottoappearmesmerizedbythewayherlongeyelashesgotallspikywhentheywerewet.
“Yes,Iremember.I’vespentasmanysummersinthislakeasyouhave,”shesaid,trailingoffasifto
remind us both whose lake we were swimming in. I wanted her to be comfortable with me. If talking
aboutSawyerwouldhelpthenI’dtalkabouthim.Besides,itwouldn’thurttokeepmeremindedwhoshe
belongedto.
“Point taken. Sorry, this new Ashton doesn’t resemble the Ash I once knew. I sometimes forget
Sawyer’sperfectgirlfriendisthesamegirlwhousedtostartmudfightswithmeupthereonthebank.”
“I wish you’d stop acting like I’m a different person, Beau. I grew up but I’m still the same girl.
Besides,youchangedtoo.TheoldBeauwouldn’thavecompletelyignoredmebecausehewastoobusy
makingoutwithhisgirlfriendtoacknowledgemyexistence.”
“No, but the old Beau wasn’t horny,” I shot back with a wink and splashed water in her face. Her
familiarlaughtermademychestachealittle.
“Point taken. I guess having someone built like Nicole all over you is a little distracting. I can see
whereanoldfriendwouldrankundergettinglaid.”
If I’d known Ashton had wanted it at any point I would have pushed Nicole aside and given her my
undividedattention.ButmostofthetimeshewaswrappedinSawyer’sarmsandIneededthedistraction
Nicoleprovided.
“Nicoleisn’tverymodest,”Ireplied,tryingtolaytheblameonher.
ThedimpleI’dbeenfascinatedwithsincethedayI’dmetAshtonappearedasshegavemeafullsmile.
“Nicoledoesn’tevenknowthedefinitionofthewordmodest.Now,thewordvulgar,I’mprettysure
she’sgotagraspon.”
WasitmywishfulthinkingordidshesoundjealousofNicole?
“Nicole’snotsobad.Shejustgoesafterwhatshewants,”Ireplied,wantingtotestAshton’sreaction.
Anannoyedfrowncameoverherfaceandshestiffened.Icouldn’tkeepthesmilefromformingonmy
lips.IlikedthefactitbotheredherwhenIdefendedNicole.
“You’vegotbadtasteinwomen,BeauVincent,”shereplied.Iwatchedherswimovertothepierand
pullherselfouttositontheedge,givingmeanextremelypleasantviewofherbarelycoveredass.Ittook
meaminutetorememberwhatwe’dbeentalkingabout.Ashton’swetbodyondisplaywasallmysingle-
minded brain seemed to focus on. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and remembered her comment
aboutmybadtasteinwomen.
“I suppose Sawyer has better taste?” I asked and swam over to join her. She frowned and bit her
bottomlip.Thathadn’tbeentheresponseIwasexpecting.I’dmeanttomakehersmile.
“MaybebecauseIdon’trapehiminpublic,butwebothknowhecoulddobetter.”
Whatthehelldidthatmean?
“Youthinkso.”Imanagedtosoundcasual.
Sheglancedoveratmewithasadlittlesmile.Thelateafternoonsunwasdirectlybehindher,causing
thelongblondecurlsframingherfacetosoftlyglow.Theeffectmadeherresembleanangel.Untouchable
unlessyouweretheperfectSawyerVincent.
“I’mnotblind,Beau.I’mnotsayingIthinkI’mugly.IknowI’mpassablycute.I’vegotgoodhairand
mycomplexionisn’tbad.Idon’thavebigblueeyesorlonglashesbutmyeyesaren’tbad.I’mnotexactly
excitingorstriking.Sawyerisperfect.It’shardtobelievehewantsmesometimes.”
I turned away from her, afraid the incredulous expression on my face would tell her more than she
needed to know. I wanted to tell her how her green eyes made guys want to defend her or the way her
sweetpinklipsweremesmerizingorhowthatonesingledimplecausedmypulseratetosoar.Iwantedto
pointouthowthoselong,tannedlegscausedguystotripoverthemselvesandwhensheworetightshirtsI
foughttheurgetogocoverherupsoeverymalewhosawherwouldn’tgohomeandjack-offwithher
imageintheirhead.ButIcouldn’tsayanyofthosethings.
ForcingmyexpressiontoremaincasualIglancedbackather.“Idon’tthinkyougiveyourselfenough
credit.Sawyerdidn’tjustchooseyoubecauseofyourlooks.”That’sallIneededtosay.
Shesighedandleanedbackonherhands.Ihadtoturnmyheadawayfromheragainbeforemyeyes
couldzeroinonhertits.Ididn’tneedtostudythemtoknowtheywereperfectlyround,soft,plump,and
temptingashell.
“I’mnotalwaysgood.Itryreallyhardtobegood.IwanttobeworthyofSawyer,Ireallydo,butit’s
likethereisthisothermeinsidethatistryingtogetout.IfightitbutI’mnotgoodatitallthetime.Sawyer
hastokeepmeinline.”
Keepherinline?Wait...what?Shakingmyheadtoclearmythoughtsfromhowsweethernipples
would be, I forced myself to focus on what she was saying instead of how she would taste. She didn’t
think she was good enough for Sawyer? Had Sawyer made her think something was wrong with her?
Surelyhedidn’tknowshefeltthisway.
“Ash, you’ve been nothing but perfect since you decided to grow up. Sure, you used to help me put
frogsinpeople’smailboxesbutthatgirl’sgone.Youwantedtobeperfectandyouachievedit.”
Shelaughedandsatbackup.Ichancedaglanceoverather.Thedimplewasthereasshegazeddown
atthewater.
“Ifyouonlyknew,”wasallshesaid.
“Tellme.”ThewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeIcouldstopthem.
“Why?”
BecauseIwantyou.Justyou.ThegirlIknowisinthere,hidingfromtheworld.IwantmyAshback.
Icouldn’tsayitlikethat.She’dseetoomuch.Ihadtoprotectmyself.
“BecauseI’dliketoknowyouaren’tsoperfect.I’dliketoknowthegirlIonceknewwasstillinthere
somewhere.”
Shelaughedagainandpulledherlegsuptorestherchinon.
“There’snowayI’madmittingallmyfaultstoyou.Consideringmostofthemarejustinmythoughts
andI’veneveractedonthem.”
“I’mnotaskingforyourdeepdarksecrets,Ash.Ijustwanttoknowwhatyoucouldpossiblydowrong
thatmakesyoufeelSawyer’sgottokeepyouinline.”
Hercheeksturnedpinkbutshekepthereyesstraightahead.AfterafewminutesofsilenceIstoodup
andstretched.
“That’sfine.Idon’treallyneedyoutotellmehowyoudon’talwaysremembertotakethebuggyback
tothereturnplaceintheparkinglotoryoudon’tmakeittothenursinghomeeveryweek.”
Istartedtowalkaway,angryatmyselfforsoundinglikeajerk.
“ThosearethingsSawyerhastohelpmeremember...butIwasn’texactlyreferringtothem.”
ShesaiditsosoftlyIalmostdidn’thearher.Istoppedandturnedbacktoher.Shewaspeeringupatme
throughherweteyelashes.
“I’mjustlikeanyotherteenagegirl.IenvyNicolebecauseshecanbewhoshewantstobe.Ican’t.But
itisn’tSawyer’sfault.I’veneverbeenabletogiveintothoseurges.Myparentsexpectmetobegood.”
“YouwanttobelikeNicole?”Iaskedinhorror.Shelaughedandshookherhead.
“Notexactly.Idon’tdesiretovomitonmyselfandbecarriedinsidemyhousedrunk...orbeknown
asaslut.ButjustonceI’dliketoknowwhatitfeelsliketodomorethanjustkiss.Tobetouched.”She
stoppedandturnedhergazebacktowardthewater.“Maybetoknowwhatthethrillofsneakingoutofmy
housefeelslikeorhowitfeelstobewantedbysomeonesodesperatelytheycan’thelpthemselveswhen
theykissme.Maybe,tojustfeeldesirable.”Shestoppedagainandcoveredherfacewithbothherhands.
“PleaseforgetIsaidallthat.”
Talkaboutanimpossiblerequest.Iwashavingahardenoughtimebreathing.
Sheletherhandsdropawayfromherfaceandturnedherguilt-riddenexpressionbackuptome.The
lostlookinhereyeswaskillingme.Iwantedtoassurehernothingwaswrongwithher.Iwantedtoshow
herexactlyhowinsaneshemademe.Shestoodup.
“Sonowyouknowmysecrets,Beau.Justlikeoldtimes.Ithinkthatmakesusfriendsagain,huh?”The
smileonherlipstrembled.
Fuckme.
“Yeah,I’dsayitdoes,”Irepliedasregretconsumedme.
Chapter3
Ashton
I watched as my parents’ mini-van backed out of the driveway before picking up my phone and texting
Beau.
Me:Woulduliketocomewatchamovieatmyhouse?
Myheartstartedracinginmychest.WhatwasIdoing?I’dalreadyblurredthelinestodayatthehole.I
shouldhavenevertalkedwithBeauaboutsecretdesires.Butjustthinkingabouttheintensegleaminhis
eyesasI’dexplainedwhatIwantedtoexperiencemademybodyflushwithexcitement.
Beau:Urparents?
Heknewmyparentswellenoughtoknowtheywouldneverbeokaywithmespendingtimewithhim.I
hated how everyone assumed the worst about Beau. Just because his momma was trash didn’t mean he
was.HehadthesamebloodinhimthatSawyerdid.
Me:Outoftown2night
Mydadhadplannedasurpriseweekendgetawayformyparents’anniversary.I’dknownaboutitfora
week,buthe’djusttoldmymomthisafternoon.TheywerebothsafelyontheroadtoBirminghamnow.
My phone rang, startling me so badly I dropped it. Scrambling to pick it up, I worried it may be
Sawyer.I’dneverbeabletokeeptheguiltoutofmyvoiceifIhadtotalktohim.
ItwasBeau.
“Hello,”Isaid.
“I’ll leave my truck at the park and walk to your house through the woods. Leave the back door
unlocked.”
He didn’t want anyone to see his truck here. I knew it was for my benefit. It was probably best he
didn’tparkoutsidemyhouse.Hewasjustmyfriendbut...hewasalsoaboy.Abadboy.AshtonGray
doesn’thaveboysoverwhileherparentsareaway.
“Okay,ifthat’swhatyouwanttodo.”
“Itis.”Hisdeepvoicemademefeelalltinglyinside.
“I’llseeyouinalittlewhilethen,”Ireplied.
“Yeah,”hesaidbeforehehungup.Istareddownatthephone;Iwastornbetweenexcitementandfear.
I was going to get to spend more time alone with Beau. I’d missed him. Being able to be honest with
someone was nice. I didn’t have to pretend. Then there was also the fact I liked the way his eyes sent
shiversovermybodyashestaredatme.TherewassomethingwickedaboutBeauthatdrewmetohim.
Whatwaswrongwithme?WhydidIwanttosinsobadly?
I dropped the phone on my bed and headed for the shower. I wouldn’t think about the rule I was
breaking.Thiswasn’tanythingbad.Itwasasmallruleifyouthoughtaboutrulesingeneral.Imean,there
werebiggerrulesIcouldbreak.Besides,IneededtobreaksomerulesbeforeIwentcrazy.
Alightknockonthebackdoorsentthebutterfliesflappingaroundinmystomachintoafrenzy.Iheard
thelatchinthedoorasitopenedandclosed.Iquicklyslippedonawhiteeyeletsundress.Aftertryingon
several other more casual outfits I’d decided I wanted to look nicer. The sundress was short with
spaghettistrapssoitlookedcasualenoughforamovienight,maybe...sortof.Istudiedmybarefeet.I’d
justpaintedmytoescottoncandypinkanddecidedtostaybarefoot.Evenmorecasual.
I headed down the hall to greet my guest. The oxygen entering my lungs stalled when I saw Beau
standinginthekitchen.Blackhadalwayslookedgoodonhimbuthavinghimstandinmykitcheninatight
black T-shirt and a pair of low-riding jeans made me a little dizzy. It dawned on me I was holding my
breath.
“Hey,”Imanagedtosay,mentallycringingatthebreathlesssoundinmyvoice.
Henoddedandgavemeasmallsmilebeforewalkingovertothefridgeandopeningit.“I’mthirsty.
CanIhaveaCoke?”heaskedwithoutlookingbackatme.
“Um,yeah,sure.Iorderedpizzatoo.Itshouldbehereinafewminutes.Ifyou’rehungry.”
HeclosedthefridgedoorandopenedthecanofCokeinhishandthentookaswig.
“I’malwayshungry,”hereplied.
“Okay,good.”Ididn’tknowwhatelsetosay.I’dinvitedBeautomyhousetowatchamovie.Nowhe
washereinallhismouth-wateringgloryandIdidn’tknowwhattosay.Hewalkedtowardme,grinning.
“Relax, Ash. It’s just me.” He nodded his head toward the living room. “Let’s go see what kind of
movieselectionyou’vegotthesedays.”
Swallowingnervously,Iturnedandheadedtothelivingroom.Thiswasabadidea.Iwasactinglike
anidiot.Thiswasn’tthewayfriendsacted.IfIwantedhimtobemyfriendIneededtostartactinglike
oneandnotalove-struckmoron.
“IrentedtwomoviesfromtheRedBox.Ifyoudon’tlikeeither,youcanpickfromtheonesIhaveinmy
roombutI’mwarningyounowtheyaremostlyromanticcomedies.TheonesIrentedareprobablymore
yourspeed.”
I kept my back to him because my cheeks were getting warm and I hated the idea of him seeing me
blush.Iwasbeingsosilly.IreachedforthetwoactionmoviesI’drentedandstartedtoturnaroundto
showhimwhenhemovedinbehindme.Ifroze.MybodywentonhighalertandItookseveralgulpsof
air.
“Let me see.” His mouth was surprisingly close to my ear. Then his arm reached around me and he
snatchedthemoviesfrommygrasp.Whenourhandsbrushed,Isuckedinaquickbreath.Forasecondhe
pausedthenmovedawayquickly.Mycrazybehaviorhadtobemakinghimuncomfortable.
“Goodchoice.I’vebeenwantingtoseebothofthesebutNicoleandIdon’tnormallywatchmovies.”
Nicole’snamesoundedlikeareminderforme.
Ipivotedaroundontheballsofmyfeet.“Okay,good.Well,pickoneandputitin.I’mgoingtogoget
mymoneybeforethepizzagetshere.”
ButfirstIamgoingtosplashcoldwateronmyfaceandcalmdown.Ididn’twaitforhisresponse
beforeIfledtheroom.
ThedoorbellrangwhileIwasshufflingthroughmypurseformoney.Thedeliveryguywouldprobably
be someone from school. Beau answering the door didn’t sound like the best idea. I rushed out of my
bedroom door and came face to face with Beau. Or more accurately, face to chest. A very yummy-
smellingchest.Iclosedmyeyestightlyandtookadeepbreath.
“I’llwaitherewhileyoupay,”hesaidinalowwhisper.Inoddedandsteppedaroundhim.
ThemomentIopenedthedoorIwasinstantlyrelievedBeauwashiding.Itwasastartinglinemanon
thefootballteam,JimmyNoles.
“How’sitgoing,Ashton?”Jimmyasked,smiling.
“Um,good,thanks.”
“Iguessyou’remissingSawyer.”
Inodded.“Yes,Iam.”Ihandedhimthemoney.“Keepthechangeandthanks.”
Hisgringotbigger.“Cool,thanksAshton.Seeyaaround.”
Ireturnedhissmileandclosedthedoor.
Beausteppedoutofthehallway.“Thatsmellsgood.”
ItdidsmellgoodbutIdoubtedIcouldactuallyeat.Beautooktheboxoutofmyhandandwalkedover
tothecouchandsetitdownonthecoffeetable.
“I’llgetsomepaperplates,”Isaid,wishingIdidn’tsoundsonervous.
Hestartedopeningthebox.“Don’tgetoneformebutapapertowelwouldbegood.”
BeaumanagedtoeatmostofthepizzabeforeIforceddownoneslice.I’mgladhedidn’tfeelawkward
bymycrazybehavior.Heleanedbackonthesofawithhiseyesonthemovieafterwipinghishandsonthe
paper towel. I sat my plate down on a stack of Garden and Gun magazines my dad kept on the coffee
table.
“Ileftyoutwomorepieces.Youcan’tbefull.”
Iglancedoverathim.“Youmeanyoudidn’tstopeatingbecauseyouwerefull?”
Heshookhishead.“No,Iwasbeingconsiderate.I’mneverfull.”
Ileanedbackonthesofa.“Eatallyouwant,I’mdone.”
Hedidn’tleanforwardtograbanotherslicelikeIexpectedhimto.Insteadhisattentionstayedonme.
“Whydidyouinvitemeheretonight,Ash?”
My face flushed. Why had I asked him to come? Answering that question wasn’t easy. Since he’d
walkedinthedoorI’dbeenactingridiculous.IneverseemedtobeatalossofthingstosaywithSawyer.
Beaurattledme.Now,hewasbeingboredtodeathbythepreacher’sdaughterwhilehecouldbewithhis
sexyhotgirlfrienddoingallthosethingsIknewnothingabout.Iwasdeprivinghimofanexcitingevening.
Theideathathe’dcometonighttoentertainmeforhiscousin’ssakemademefeelawful.He’dbeendoing
meacharityandIcouldn’tevenmakeitinterestingforhim.Well,atleastI’dfedhim.
“I’m sorry. I guess, I just didn’t want to be alone, but I’m okay. You can go. I know this is dull
comparedtoyournormalactivities.”Imanagedaweaksmile.
His frown deepened as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, but he didn’t take his
eyesoffme.
“Beingwithyouisn’tdull.Youjustseemuncomfortable.IfyouwantmetoleaveIwill.Ihaveafeeling
you’rerethinkingthehaving-me-overthing.”
Isighedandletoutasmalllaugh.
“No. I want you to stay. I’ve just never had any guy over here but Sawyer and even then my parents
werehere.I’mnervous.It’snotthatIdon’twantyouhere.”
“WhydoImakeyounervous?”heasked,watchingme.
“Idon’tknow,”Iansweredtruthfully.
“Hmm.You’rewrong,bytheway,”hereplied,grinning.
“What?”
“You’vehadotherguyshere.Iusedtocomehereoften.Yourroomstilllooksthesame.”
Ismiled.Hewasright.Ijustneededtorememberthiswasthesameboywhousedtolayonmybed
withmeandwatchmovies.
Heclosedthespacebetweenusandrelaxedashestretchedhisarmalongthebackofthesofa.“Idon’t
bite,Ash.It’sjustme.Promise.Comehereandsee.”
Istudiedthecrookofhisarm,andtheideaofsnugglingupagainsthimwasextremelytempting.ButI
didn’tthinkhehadthatinmind.Soinstead,Ileanedbackonthecouch,carefulnottotouchhim.
Hishanddidn’tcomearoundmeandpullmecloser.ItremainedonthebackofthecouchandIhated
thatIwasdisappointed.
“Relaxandwatchthemovie,”hesaidinasoftvoiceI’dneverheardhimusebefore.Itmademefeel
warmandsafe.
Beau’sarmeventuallysliddowntosettleonmyshoulders.Absentlyhestartedtracingsmallcircleson
my upper arm. It was almost as if little jolts of electricity were zinging through my body. I hoped he
couldn’ttellmybreathingwasgettingerratic.Iclosedmyeyesandfantasizedabouthowitwouldfeelto
run my hands under his T-shirt and touch the soft skin that covered his hard chest. I glanced up at him
throughmylashesandhisattentionwascompletelyfocusedonthemovie.Hehadnoideahewasdriving
mecrazy.
I slowly moved closer to him until my head was nestled in the crook of his arm. The smell of Irish
Springsoapandtheoutdoorsfilledmysenses.Sawyeralwayssmelledlikecologne.Ilikedsoap.Iturned
my head just enough so I could smell him better. His arm gently tightened around me. He didn’t mean
anything by it but it felt so very good. I turned my body toward his side and closed my eyes. My
imagination took over and I wondered what it would feel like if he didn’t have this bothersome shirt
coveringuphischest.
“Ash.”Beau’svoiceenteredmyfantasy.
“Hmm...”Imanagedtorespondasmyhandtouchedhisabs.
“What’reyoudoing?”Hisvoicedidn’tsoundright.Therewasapanickedtonetoitthatsnappedmeout
ofmydreamandintoreality.IgaspedwhenIrealizedmylegwashikeduponBeau’sthigh.Thehemof
mysundresswasbarelycoveringmypanties.Tomakemattersworsemyhandwasunderhisblackshirt
andhisskinfeltsowarmandsoft.Thesoftcircularpatternsonmyarmhadstoppedandhishandwasno
longertouchingme.HorrorwashedovermeandIjerkedmyhandoutofhisshirtandsatup.
“OhmyGod,”Iblurtedout.“I’msorry...Ididn’tmean...I’msorry.”Icouldn’tlookathim.Not
afterI’dbeenalloverhim!Instead,IdidtheonlythingIcouldthinkof.Iranformyroom.
Ipushedthedoorhardenoughtoslamitbuttheloudcracknevercame.
“Ash,wait.”Beau’svoicemademecringe.OhGod,WHYdidhehavetofollowme?Couldn’thehave
justleft?
Icouldn’tfacehim.
“I’msorry.Just...go,okay?”
Icrossedmyarmsandstaredhardatthewindow,waitingforhimtoleave.Hisarmswrappedaround
mefrombehindandIwhimperedasthehumiliationjustgotworse.Hewasgoingtotrytocomfortme.
“Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingoninthatheadofyoursbutfromthewayyou’reactingIcanimagineit’s
prettybad.”Heloweredhisheadtomyshoulder.“YouwantmetoleaveandI’mgoingtogo.ButfirstI
wanttomakesureyouunderstandsomething.”
Mythroatwastightandtearscloggedmyairway.Respondingwasn’tpossible.
“Istartedthatinthere.Notyou.Iwasn’tpreparedforthereactionIgot.Ithoughtyou’dpushmeaway,
not...snugglecloser.”Hestoppedagainandhisbreathwaswarmonmyneckbeforehislipstouchedmy
bare shoulder. I shivered and his hands ran down my arms until they covered mine. “I shouldn’t have
touchedyou.ButIcouldn’thelpmyself,”hemurmuredagainstmyear.
Iwantedtoargue.Itwasn’thisfault.IwantedtotellhimIwastheonewhogotcarriedaway.ButI
couldn’tmanagemorethanjustasmallsnivel.“Ican’tdothis,Ash.GodknowsIwanttobutIcan’t,”and
thenhewasgone.Iturnedtoseehimwalkingoutofmydoor.MorethananythingIwantedtocallhim
back,butIdidn’t.
Chapter4
Thedingalertingmeofatextmessagewokemeup.Irubbedmyeyesandtriedtofocusbeforereaching
formyphone.
Beau:G’morning
Theshockofseeinghisnameonmyphonethisearlyhadmesittingupquicklyandthenfloppingback
downagainstmypillowaslastnight’seventsrushedbacktome.IcouldalmostfeelBeau’slipsonmy
shoulderandIshiveredunderthecovers.
Beau:Whenuwakeupcallme
I should ignore him. I should ignore these texts and pretend like last night never happened. But the
memory of his breath in my ear and his hands caressing my arms threw all my good intentions out the
window.
Me:I’mawakenow
Inlessthanaminutemyphonerang.Ihadadecisiontomakeandfast.Ieitherignorehiscallandsave
bothBeauandmethefuturetrouble.OrIanswerandforgetabouttheconsequences.
“Hello.”
“Hey.”HisvoicemademeinstantlygladIanswered.
“Aboutlastnight,”Ibegan.
“Iwanttoseeyoutoday,”heinterrupted.
MyheartpoundedinmychestandIsmiledupattheceiling.Hewantedtoseeme.
“Okay,”Irepliedquickly.
“Doyoumindcominghere?”
“Yourplace?”Iasked.
“Yeah,I’vegotsomethingsIneedtodoforMom.Whydon’tyoucomekeepmecompany?”
Isatupinbedgrinninglikeanidiot.
“I’llbethereinthirtyminutes.Haveyoueaten?”
“No,notyet.”
“I’llbringbreakfastthen,”Ireplied.
“Soundsgood.”
“Okay,bye.”
Hehesitatedaminutethensaid,“Seeyasoon.”
My heart was going at warp speed as I jumped up and headed to the kitchen to make some biscuits
beforetakingashower.
Beau
I reached for my phone for at least the tenth time to call and cancel when Ashton’s Jetta spun into the
graveldriveoutside.
Great.
I’d successfully fought off my good intentions just long enough for her to get here. This was bad.
Hurtingpeopleisn’tsomethingIhaveissueswith,buthurtingSawyer?That’soutofthequestion.
Ashtonsteppedoutofhercarwearinganothershortdressandcarryingaplateoffood.Watchingthe
swayofherhipsunderthewispyfabricasshemadeherwaytowardme,thecornersofhermouthturned
upinashylittlesmile,IdecidedIdidn’tcareifIwasbeingadirtbag.Sawyerwasn’thereandIcouldn’t
seemtohelpmyself.
Mycousinshouldhavestayedhisasshome.
“Imadesausagebiscuits,”shesaidassheapproachedthedoor.
“Yum,I’mstarving,”Ireplied,holdingthedooropenforher.Thebreezeruffledherhairasshewalked
pastme.Whydidshehavetosmellsodamngood?Iclosedthedoorandturnedaroundtodrinkherin.
Last night when I’d left her I’d gone straight to Nicole. Reminding myself who I was had been vitally
important.Nicolehadbeenverywillingbutmybodycouldn’tseemtoforgethowgoodAshtonfeltcurled
upagainstme.
“Ididn’texpectyoutocallme,”Ashtonsaidsoftlywhilestudyingtheplateofbiscuitsinherhands.I’d
hadamomentofintenseweaknesswhenI’dwokenupfromanincrediblygooddreamshehadstarredin.
AllIcouldthinkaboutwasbeingnearheragain.
“Ihatedthewayweleftthingslastnight.”
Sheblushedandglancedupatme.“I’mreallysorryabouthowIacted.”
Damn,damn,damn,Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletoresisther.PushingSawyertothedeepdarkforgotten
partofmymindIwalkedovertoherandtooktheplateofbiscuitsandsatthemdownonthecounter.
“Itoldyoulastnight,Istartedit.Ishouldbetheoneapologizing.”
Sheletoutasmalllaughandstareddownatherfeet.
“No,Idistinctlyrememberitbeingmylegthatwashikedupinyourlapandmyhandthatwasupyour
shirt.Youhadcompletelystoppedtouchingme.ThanksfortryingtotaketheblameoffmebutIwasthere,
Beau.”
Islippedmyarmsaroundherwaistandpulledhertome.RightnowIdidn’tcarewhoshebelongedto.
IwantedherandIcouldn’tseepastmyneed.
“Lookatme,”Iwhispered,slippingmyfingerunderherchinandtiltingherfaceupsoIcouldseeher
eyes.“TheonlyreasonIdidn’tgrabyouandhaulyouontomylaplastnightwasbecauseforthefirsttime
inmylifeIwantsomethingthatbelongstotheonlypersonIlove.Istartedtouchingyoulastnightbecause
Icouldn’tkeepmyhandsoffyou.IthoughtifIcouldtouchyoujustalittlebitI’dbeabletohandleit.But
then you didn’t react the way I expected.” I stopped and closed my eyes. Staring down at her while I
talkedaboutherreactiontomytouchwasdifficult.Thosebiginnocentgreeneyessoakingineveryword
outofmymouth.God,shewasperfect.
“Andmygoodintentionswerefadingfast.Ifyou’dkepttouchingmeforjustafewmoresecondsI’d
havelostit.Iwashangingonbyathread.Averythinthread.”
Shesteppedbackoutofmyembraceandgavemealittlegrin.
“Okay. Thank you for saying that.” She turned and walked over to the counter then began taking the
plasticwrapoffthebiscuits.“Webothlovehim.Neitherofuswanttohurthim.But...we’redrawnto
eachother.Wehavehistory.Thethreeofus.Forthepastfewyearsit’sbeenjustmeandSawyer.Ididn’t
wantittobethatway,itjusthappened.Ithinkwecanallbefriendsagain.Iwantustobe.So,whilehe’s
gonelet’sjustenjoybeingfriends.Ipromisetokeepmyhandstomyselfifyoupromisethesame.”
Shepeeredatmeoverhershoulderasshemovedtosetthebiscuitsonplatesshe’dfoundinthedish
rack.TellingherhowI’ddoanythingsheaskedwasn’texactlythebestmove.Inoddedandwenttoget
glassesandorangejuicesowecouldeatbreakfasttogether.Justlikeweusedto.
“STOPIT,BEAU!”AshtonsquealedassheranaroundthesideofthetruckawayfromthewaterhoseI’d
aimedherway.
“Butyou’vegotsoapalloveryourarms.I’mjusttryingtowashitoff,”Ireplied.Herlaughtermade
somethinginsidemetightenandIforcedmyselfnottothinkaboutit.
“Sureyouwere.Bysoakingme.I’dpreferthesoapyarms,thankyouverymuch.”
“Ah,comeon,Ash.Iwasjusttryingtohelp.IpromiseIwon’tdoitagain.Besides,youaren’teven
wearingawhiteshirt.I’vegotnoreasontohoseyoudown.”
Shewalkedaroundthefrontofmytruckcautiously.Shedidn’ttrustme.Idroppedthehoseandheldup
bothmyhands.“See,Ipromise,”Iassuredher.
Shetiltedherheadtoonesideandbitherbottomlip.“Hmmm,okay.”
Iwatchedherslowlyapproachthebucketofsoapywatertoretrievethespongeshe’ddropped.Before
I could respond she stood up and hurled a large, wet, soapy sponge at my face and squealed in delight
beforeturningandrunningbacktotheothersideofthetruck.
“You’veaskedforitnow,”Iyelledatherandtookoffaroundtheoppositesideofthetrucktocatchher.
“I’msorry,”shescreamedthroughherlaughter.
“Toolateforapologies,darlin’.I’mtakingyoudown.”
“Beau,IpromiseIwon’t!Pleasedon’tthrowitatme!”Sheduckeddownbehindthebackofthetruck.
“Well,isn’tthissweet.”
Nicole’svoicecaughtmeoffguard.IstoppedchasingAshtonandtossedthewetspongeintothebucket
beforeturningaroundtofindNicoleleaningupagainsthermother’scandy-apple-redCamaro.Thescowl
onherfacewasdirectedtowardAshton.IglancedbacktoseeAshtonstandingbesidethebedofmytruck
holdingthesoakingwetspongeinherhandswhilestudyingNicolenervously.Thecomparisonofthetwo
girlswaslikenightandday.WhereNicolefitintothisrun-downtrailerpark,Ashtonlookedcompletely
outofplace.OldmanMacklerysteppedoutofhisfrontdoorwithabeerinhishands,yellingbackover
his shoulder at his wife before slamming the door. Everything around me faded away when I was with
Ashton.ItwasnowonderI’dmissedNicole’sarrival.TurningbacktoNicoleIshotherawarningglare.
“Ididn’thearyoudriveup.”
Sheraisedhereyebrowsandshiftedherangrygazetowardme.Iknewwhyshehadstoppedby.The
skin-tightminiskirtandhaltertopthatbarelycoveredherboobsmeantshe’dcomeoverlookingforsome
action.
“Youwerehavingalittletoomuchfuntonoticeanythingbuther.”
Crap!Thiswasn’tgood.AshtonwastheonepersonNicolefeltthreatenedby.Itdidn’tmatterhownice
AshtonhadalwaysbeentoNicole.Nicolehatedher.Catchinghersoakingwetinaskimpylittlesundress
washing my truck didn’t look real innocent. Ashton was sexy as hell all wet and soapy. A fact I knew
wouldn’tgounnoticedbyNicole.ShewouldlovetoseeAshtoncrashandburn.Ineededtosaysomething
butIcouldn’tthinkofanythingtosay.
“Hello, Nicole. It’s past time for me to leave. I’m glad you’re here to take my place,” Ashton said,
breakingthetensesilence.
Istudiedtheworriedfrowntuggingatthecornerofhermouth.IfshovingNicolebackintoherCamaro
andforcinghertoleavewouldmakethoseprettylipssmileandlaughagainIwould.Ashton’seyesmet
mineandshegavemeabrightsmile.Thekindsheusedtogiveme.Thekindshehadtoforce.Notthe
smileI’dgrownaccustomedtothelastfewdays.
“I’llletSawyerknowIcheckedinonyouandentertainedyouinhisabsencelikeherequested.Looks
likeyouhavesomeonewho’llnodoubtbemuchmoreyourspeedherenow,”shesaid,staringbackatme.
ThensheswungherattentiontowardNicoleandblastedherwiththesamefakesmile.
“Havefun,youtwo,”shewavedtoNicole.“Seeyaaround.”
IwatchedasAshwalkedtohercarandslippedinsidealldrippingwet.Iwantedtorunafterherand
beghernottoleavebutIknewthiswasherwayofsavingourbuttswithSawyer.Ihadn’tbeenableto
thinkofanythingtosayandI’dleftalltheexplainingtoher.
“IfindithardtobelieveSawyermeantforhertocomeoverhereandhaveasoapywaterfightwith
you,”Nicolesaidasshewalkedtowardme.
“Shutup,”IrepliedandbentovertopickupthehosesoIcouldrinseoffmytruck.
“I hate her, Beau. You know that. If she needs babysitting, someone else can do it. She isn’t your
concern.”
“Youdon’ttellmewhoIcanandcan’tspendtimewith,Nicole.”
“HellyesIdo!ThelasttimeIcheckedwe’reanitem.You’remine.Idon’twantyouaroundher.Stay
thefuckawayfromherorI’lltellSawyerjusthowfriendlyyoutwowerewhenIdroveup.I’mnotblind,
Beau.Isawthewayyouwerelookingather.Thegirlmightaswellhavebeennekked.”
Iswungmyheadaroundandglaredather.“Noonethreatensme,Nicole.Youknowbetter.Don’tmake
thatmistake.”
“So,what,youcanpawalloveryourcousin’sgirlfriendandIjusthavetositandtakeit?”
“I wasn’t pawing her. We were washing my truck. We’re friends, Nicole. She was my best friend
growingup.OurbeingfriendsnowisnotabigdealandSawyer’sokaywithit.Ashton’stoogoodforme.
Sheknowsthat.Iknowthat.Sawyerknowsthat.Youshouldknowthat.”
Nicoledidn’tsayanything.Istartedrinsingoffthetruck,hopingthisconversationwasover.
“Butyoulikeher.”
Itdidn’tsoundlikeaquestion.Morelikeastatement.
“Yes, Nicole. She’s my cousin’s girlfriend. She’s nice and kind and everything we aren’t. Everyone
likesher.Everyonebutyou.”
“Imeanyoulikeher-likeher.Thewayyouwerelookingather.Youwanther.”
There were a million things I wanted to say. But saying any of them would be a bad move. Keeping
Nicole’smouthshutwasmoreimportant.
“She’sSawyer’sgirl.”
“Doesthatmatter?”sheshotbackatme.
Itdidmatter.Itshouldmatter.Ithadalwaysmattered.MyfisttightenedonthehoseinmyhandandI
suppressedtheneedtoyellouthowfuckingunfairthiswas.Ididn’tneedNicolequestioningme.Ihadto
dealwiththisshitonmyown.
“Youknowitmatters.Sawyeralwaysmatters.”
Chapter5
Ashton
“Ohcomeon,it’llbefun!”Leannassuredmeforthehundredthtime.
I scowled at her back as she got out of the car. Somehow she’d managed to drag me to the Masons’
field. When she’d asked me to hang out with her tonight I’d thought she meant a movie and maybe
shopping. I hadn’t thought she meant to bring me to the field. I stopped boring holes in her back and
glancedoveratBeau’sparkedtruck.Ihadn’theardfromhimsinceI’dlefthimandNicoleathistrailer.
AtfirstI’dexpectedhimtotextorcallbutaftertwenty-fourhoursIbegantorealizeIwouldn’tbehearing
fromhim.Nicolehadn’tseemedveryhappyaboutmybeingthere.Ishould’veexpectedthisreaction.
“Comeon, Ashton.” Leannopened my cardoor and smiled downat me. Hershort, curly brown hair
bouncedasshewavedherarmouttowardthefield.
“There’s a life outside of Sawyer Vincent. I swear there is,” she teased while adjusting her black-
framedglassesthathadsliddownhernose.OnlyLeanncouldmakeglasseslookchic.
“Iknowthat.”ShehadnoideahowmuchIknewthat.“ButcomingtothefieldwithoutSawyerseems
pointless.Imean,NoahwillbeheresoonandI’llbethethirdwheel.”
“Nonsense.Noahwillbebothourdates.”Sheflashedmeagrinandpulledmeintotheclearing.
The bonfire and music were already pumping. The smell of burning pecan wood filled the night air.
Differentgroupsgatheredaroundthelit-upclearingwhilesomecoupleswerealreadymakingtheirway
intotheprivacyoftheshadowsinsidethetrees.IwalkedbesideLeann,listeningtoherchatteronandon
about the new truck Noah had bought. I’d been trying so hard to ignore my surroundings and everyone
aroundmethatIwascaughtbysurprisewhenLeannsatdownonalogandpulledmedownbesideher.
“LookwhoIpulledoutofhiding,”Leannannouncedtothegroup.
“Ashton.Shelives,”RyanMasoncalledoutfromacrossthefireandattemptedtostrutovertous.His
alcoholintake,however,madeitappearmorelikeabaddancemove.
“Missedthatprettyfacearoundhere,”RyansaidteasinglyashemotionedforLeanntomoveoversohe
couldtakeherspotbesideme.“Iseehowitis.YouonlycomearoundwhenSaw’shere.Noloveforme.”
Heleanedtowardmeandleered.IcouldsmellthebeeronhisbreathandIknewhe’dalreadyconsumed
onetoomany.ThiswasatypicalRyanreactiontodrinking.Heflirtedwitheveryone.
“Thisisacouples’kindofplaceandmyotherhalfisn’taround.”Iforcedthesmileonmylipstostay
inplace.Heslippedhisarmaroundmywaistandpulledmeupagainsthisside.
“Icanfixthatforya,sweetheart.I’llditchthebitchI’mwithifyoupromisetofollowmeoutintothose
woods.”
IglancedoveratLeannforassistanceandallIgotwasawild-eyedpanickedexpression.Shebegan
scanningthecrowd.IknewshewassearchingforNoahtocometotherescue.
“Um, that’s okay, Ryan,” I said and started to stand up. I wasn’t fast enough because both his hands
wereonmywaistandpullingmeontohislapbeforeIcouldgetaway.MyheartwasracingandIfought
theurgetoscream.
“Lethergo,Ryan.IfSawyerhearsaboutthishe’llkillyou.”Leann’sdemandfellondeafears.Ryan
chuckledandranhishandupmyleg.Islappeditawayandstruggledtostandupagain.
“Sawyer’snothere,”hesaid,holdingmefirmlyinplace.
“Ryan,man,lethergo,”KyleJacobsoncalledoutashejoggedovertowardus.LuckilyRyan’sloud
voicehadcaughtKyle’sattention.Hereachedouttotakemyhandandpullmeup.
Ryanlaughed.“Iwasjusthavingsomefun.She’stheonlypieceofhotassIhaven’tgottenanyofinthis
town.Sawyerkeepsheralltohimself.”
Kylesqueezedmyhand.“Theonlyassyouneedtobeworriedaboutisyourown.OnceSawyerhears
aboutthishe’sgonnabeattheshitouttaya.”
Ryan stood up and stumbled a little bit, proving just how much he’d had to drink. “Aw, I was just
havingalittlefun.Noharmdone.Allthatsweetuntouchedbeautyisstillinplace.Goonnowandrun
along,littlepreacher’sdaughter,”RyancalledoutasIscrambledbacktowardLeann’scar.Ididn’tcheck
toseeifshewasfollowingme.IjustknewIhadtogetaway.
I reached her car and jerked on the handle only to find it locked. The tears I’d been holding back
trickled down my face. I took a deep breath, letting the rest of the tears free. Why Ryan’s behavior
botheredmesobadIwasn’tsure.Itwasn’tlikehe’dactuallyhurtme.MystomachrolledandIpressed
bothmyhandsagainstit,prayingIdidn’tgetsick.Sawyerhadbeenmyshieldforsolong,Ididn’tknow
howtoreacttosituationslikethatone.Ihatedbeingsonaive.
The bad Ashton would’ve known what to do. I let out a sob and laid my forehead against the cool
window of the car door. Two arms slipped around my waist and I started to scream when the smell of
IrishSpringsoapmetmynose.
“It’sme.You’resafe.”AtthesoundofBeau’svoiceIletoutasobandspunaroundtothrowmyself
intohisarms.“I’msorryIwasn’tthere.Icameuptoolate.ButIsweartoyouRyanMasonwon’tever
comenearyouagain.”HiswordscausedmetocryharderandIclungtohisshirt,buryingmyheadinhis
chest.
“Shhh,it’sokay,Ash.Letmegetyouinthetruckbeforeanyonecomessearchingforeitherofus,”he
whisperedinmyear.Ilethimleadmetohistruckandputmeinside.
“ItoldLeannI’dtakecareofyou,”hesaidashegotintothetruck.Iwipedmyfaceandnodded.
“Thankyou.Itoldhercomingherewasabadidea.Thisisn’ttheplaceforsinglefemales.”Itriedto
makemyvoicesoundlightbutIfailed.
Beaucrankedthetruckthenleanedoverandopenedtheglovecompartment.ItwasthenInoticedthe
bloodcoveringhisknuckles.Gasping,Ireachedforhishand.
“OHMYGOD!”
Alowchucklevibratedfromhischestashetooktheraghe’dpulledoutoftheglovecompartmentand
wipedthebloodoffofhishand.
“Itisn’tmyblood,Ash,”hereassuredme.SlowlyIreleasedhiswristandlethimfinishcleaningoff
whatIassumedwasRyan’sblood.
“LikeIsaid.Ryanwon’tcomenearyouagain.”
Inodded.NotsurewhatIwassupposedtosay.I’dneverhadanybodybeatsomeoneupformebefore.
It was a strange feeling. The warmth rushing over me as I watched Beau’s slightly scratched knuckles
comecleanwassurprising.Apparently,IlikedtheideaofhimsmashinginRyan’sface.
“I’msorryIhaven’tcalled,”saidBeau.
ItoremyeyesoffBeau’shandtogazeupintohiseyes.Theworriedexpressioninthemtuggedatmy
heart.
“Youdon’thavetoapologize.Ihavenoreasontoexpectyoutocallme.Ijusthopemybeingatyour
placedidn’tcauseproblemsforyouandNicole.”Okay,thatwasalie,buthedidn’tknowit.
“Doesn’tmatterwhatshesays.Imakemyowndecisions.”
IwantedtoaskhimwhathemeantbythatcommentbutIdidn’tsayanything.
“Doyouwanttogohomenow?”heasked.
NotifIcouldstaywithhim,buttellingthetruthwouldonlycauseusmoreproblems.
“Um,well,Idon’thaveanywhereelsetogo.”
Beau glanced over at me and a mischievous grin tugged at his lips. I couldn’t help but smile back at
him.
“Whataboutagameofpool?”
“Pool?”
“Yes,pool.There’salittleplaceoutsidethecitylimitswhereIgotogetawayandshootpool.”
Inoddedslowlybeforeadmitting,“Idon’tknowhowtoplaypool.”
Hesmirked.“Iwashopingyou’dsaythat.”
Beaupulledintothesmallgraveledparkinglotofabar.Motorcycles,beatupoldtrucksandafewolder
modelsportscarsfilledthelimitedspace.IglancedoveratBeau.“Thisisabar.”
Hechuckledandleanedovermetoopenthetruckdoor.
“Yesprincess,itis.Beerandpoolgotogether.Where’dyouthinkweweregoing?”
This sounded like a bad idea. Actually, I knew it was a bad idea. I hesitated as Beau got out of the
truck.Hewalkedaroundandstoppedatmydoor,holdingouthishand.
“Comeon,Ash.Ipromisenooneinherewillbiteyou.”Iswallowednervouslyandslippedmyhand
intohis.Iwantedtolivealittleandthiswasdefinitelylivingalittle.
“Let’sdothis,”Isaid,smilingupathim.Hesqueezedmyhandbeforeleadingmeinside.
A band was playing a really bad version of SweetHomeAlabama on a small makeshift stage as we
steppedinside.Cigarettesmoke,beer,andcheapperfumecombinedtomakeanunpleasantsmell.Ifought
theurgetocovermynose.Greasy-lookingmenwithstomachsthathungovertheirjeans,tattoosontheir
armsandtrashy-lookingwomenperchedontheirlapsordrapedagainstthemastheydanced,litteredthe
place.Beauletgoofmyhandandslippedhisarmaroundmywaist.
He bent his head down and whispered, “I need to show possessiveness in here in order to keep the
othersawayfromyou.”
I had no complaints so I nodded and pressed up against him. “Um, aren’t they going to kick us out?
We’reunderage.”
Beauchuckledandledmeovertoanemptypooltable.
“Nope.” He glanced over at the bar and gave someone a little nod then grabbed two pool sticks and
handedmeone.
“Nowit’stimeItaughtyouhowtoplaysomepool.”
Thewickedgleaminhiseyesmademewanttoagreetoanythingheasked.
“Beau,what’reyadoin’bringingthepreacher’sdaughterhere?”aladywithlongblackhairandbarely
any clothes on asked as she sat a beer down in front of him. She turned her gaze my way and I saw
familiarhazeleyesstaringatmewithconcern.ThiswasHoneyVincent,Beau’smother.I’dseenglimpses
ofherwhenshe’dshownuponrareoccasionstopickBeauupfromSawyer’s.ButI’dneverhadaproper
conversationwithher.Shewasgorgeousevenwithallthethickmake-upandcheapclothing.
“Mama,yourememberAshton,”Beausaidbeforetakingaswigofhisbeer.Ismiledathereventhough
shewasstudyingmelikeIwasastrangeanimalatthezoo.
“Hello,Ms.Vincent.It’snicetoseeyouagain.”
She tilted her head and a lock of long, dark hair fell over her shoulder. “Since when did Sawyer’s
sweetlittlegirlfriendstartslummingitatthebar?”
ItensedandglancedoveratBeau.
“Mama,that’senough.AshtonandIarefriends.Wehavebeenformostofourlives.I’mkeepingher
companywhileSawyer’soutoftown.”HoneylookedmeupanddownbeforeturningbacktoBeauand
shakingherhead.
“Ifthat’swhatyouwanttotellyourself,son,butIain’tstupidandforhersakeIhopesheain’teither.”
ThenshetouchedBeau’scheekwithherhandandturnedtowalkbacktothebar.
“BringAshaCoke,”hecalledoutafterher.Sheraisedherhandintheairandwiggledherdeepred
fingernailsasawayofacknowledgement.
“Sorryaboutherbutsheisn’tabigfanofSawyer’sparents,soanythingconnectedtothemisinstantly
questionable.She’llwarmuptoyouaftershegetstoknowyou.”
Iwasn’tsureIwasbraveenoughtogettoknowHoneyVincent.Sheremindedmeofanadultversionof
Nicole. Instead of sharing those thoughts, I just nodded. Beau grinned and walked over to stand behind
me.
“Now,foryourfirstlessoninpool.We’lldoafewpracticeroundsbeforeweactuallyplay.”Beausat
hisstickdownandnoddedattheoneinmyhand.“You’regoingtohitthewhiteballintotheotherballs
andbreakthem,”heexplained.
Itookthestick,bentoverthetableandtriedtorememberallthetimesI’dwatchedpeopleplaypoolon
television.BeforeIcouldthinktoohard,Beau’swarmbodyclosedinbehindme.Hishandcoveredmine,
makingmelight-headed.Ittookmeasecondtoremembertobreathe.
“ThisisthepartI’vebeenlookingforwardto,”hemurmuredinmyearasheadjustedmyhandsonthe
stick.Theheatfromhisbodymademewanttosnuggleupagainsthim.ItriedtostayfocusedbutIcould
feelhiswarmbreathonmyearandhishipwastouchingmybehind.Hischestbarelygrazedmyback.
“You’reshivering,Ash,”hewhispered.
Ididn’tknowhowtorespond.Icouldn’tblameitonbeingcold.Iwasinsideanoverlywarmbarinthe
middleofthesummer.
“Now you’re ready to make the shot.” His voice sent chills over my body and I nodded, afraid if I
gazedupathimI’dthrowmyselfinhisarms.Instead,Ilethimguidemeintomakingtheshot.Colorful
ballsrolledalloverthetablebutIcouldn’tseemtoconcentrate.
“Goodjob.We’vegottodecidewhichballwewanttosinkandsetupyournextshot.”
Iclosedmyeyesandtookasteadyingbreathashestoodupandleftthecloseproximityofmybody.I
straightened,prayingmykneesdidn’tbucklebeneathme.
Beau’sgazemademycheeksflush.ApleasedgrintouchedhislipsandIsuddenlywantedtoknowhow
those lips would feel pressed against mine. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Even when his smile
vanishedIcontinuedstaringathismouth.
“You’regonnahavetostopdoingthat,Ash,”Beauwhisperedhuskilyandclosedthespacebetweenus.
Hisbodywassuddenlypressedagainstmine.Imanagedtoshakemyfascinationwithhislipsandgazeup
intohiseyes.HewasstaringdownatmewithahungrygleamIwasn’taccustomedtoseeing.ButIliked
it.Ilikeditalot.
“Ash, I’m trying real hard to be good. Good isn’t my thing but Sawyer’s important to me. Please
rememberI’vegotmylimitsandyoustudyingmymouthlikeyouwantatasteispushingmedangerously
closetotheedgeofthoselimits.”
Swallowing nervously I nodded. I couldn’t speak just yet because I was pretty sure I’d ask him to
followthroughwithwhateverhemightbeconsidering.
Heletoutafrustratedsighthenturnedmearoundtofacethepooltable.
“Now,backtobusiness.Lookslikethesolidshavethebestsetup,soyoucanbesolidsandI’lltake
stripes.Yourredballisinthebestspot.It’salmostatthecornerpocketoverthereandyourwhiteballis
veryclosetoit.Sobackinposition.”
Imanagedtostayfocusedonwhathewastellingmeuntilheonceagainmovedinbehindmetocorrect
thewayIwasholdingthestick.
“Slowandeasy,Ash.”
Itookadeepsteadyingbreathandhitthewhiteball.Itrolledstraightfortheredballandtheredball
sankintothehole.
“Ididit,”IsquealedandtwirledaroundtothrowmyarmsaroundBeau’sneck.Itwasn’tuntilhisarms
wrappedaroundmeandIgotaveryyummywhiffofhissoapsmellthatIrealizedthishadn’tbeenawise
move.
“Yes,youdid,”hesaid,chuckling,thenkissedthetopofmyhead.Iforcedmyselftodropmyhandsand
stepbackawayfromhim.
“Okay, now which one do I hit?” I asked, smiling up at him like my heart wasn’t racing in my chest
fromhavinghimholdme.
Hestudiedthetableandnodded.“Theblueoneisinagoodspot.”
Two games later I managed to get the hang of it. Watching Beau play pool proved to be extremely
entertaining.I’dneverrealizedaguyleaningoverapooltablecouldbesexy,butafterwatchingBeauI’d
decidedthiswasaverysexygame.Otherthanbendinghistall,muscularbodyoveratableandasmall
frown line appearing between his eyes when he was concentrating making me want to kiss it, he also
madeleaningahiponthetablewhilewaitingonmetotakeashotappearasifheweremodelingfora
magazine.
“Ican’tdecideifIliketheAshwhoneededmyassistanceortheAshwhohasitundercontrolbetter.
OnewayIgettotouchyouandgetawaywithit.ButtheotherwayIgettowatchyouleanoverthetable
andI’vegottotellyouthatit’sonereallyhotlookforyou.”Ikeptmygazeonthetableinsteadofmeeting
hiseyes.Hearinghimcallmehotmademewanttogrinlikeanidiot.Ididn’twanthimtogetachanceto
seemyreactiontohiswords.
“It’sgettinglate.Youreadytoheadout?”Beauasked.
Iwalkedovertohimandhandedhimthepoolstick.“Probablyshouldgo,”Ireplied.
He nodded and took the sticks and put them away. I stared down at the only beer he’d drank for the
nightandIrealizedhewasbeingcarefulformysake.
“Iseeyoueyeingthebeerandwantingtocheckit’sstillhalffull.”
Smiling,Ishookmyhead.“Ibelieveyou.”
Hereachedformyhandandledmetowardtheexit.
“Seeya,Mom,”hecalledaswepassedhismother,whowascarryingatrayfullofbeer-filledmugs.
Hergazeflickedfromhimtome.Shesmirked,remindingmeofBeau.
“Alright,y’allbecarefulonthewayhome,”shereplied.
Ihadn’texpectedthatsortofreplyfromHoneyVincent.Shedidn’tappeartobethetypeofmotherwho
toldyoutobecareful,especiallysincesheservedhersonbeer.
Beau’shandslippedaroundmywaistandpulledmeupagainsthimagain.
“You’re getting checked out by some drunk men. I’m just keeping them away,” he said quietly as we
walkedoutside.TellinghimIdidn’tmindbeingpressedupagainsthissidedidn’tseemlikeagoodidea
soIkeptmymouthshut.
Oncewewerebuckledin,Istudiedtherun-downbarwhereI’djustspentthelastcoupleofhours.It
wasn’tnearlyasscaryasI’dthoughtabarwouldbe.Afterwe’dstartedplayingpool,I’dforgottenall
abouteveryoneelseintheplace.Beaupulledhistruckoutontothetwolaneroadthatledbackintotown.
Thelightsfromtheparkinglotfadedinthedistanceaswedrovefurtherawayfromthebarandcloserto
myhouse.Iwasn’treadytogohomeyet.TonighthadbeenthemostfunI’deverhadonadate.Evenifit
wasn’t a date really. I laughed when I was with Beau much more than I ever did any other time. I’d
forgotten how much fun he was. Maybe that was why I always chose him to sneak off with as a kid.
SawyerwasalwaystherekeepingusinlineandIlovedhim.ButBeaualwaysledtoexcitement.
“Thanksfortonight.Ireallyhadfun.”
“I could tell. I liked watching you have fun. You’re incredible when you let that wall down around
yourself.”
“Wall?”Iasked,turningtofacehim.
Hedidn’tsayanythingatfirst.ButIkeptmyeyesfixedonhim,waiting.
“Yourperfectwall.Theoneyoukeepupfortheworldtosee.TheoneyouusetohidethegirlIknow
underneath.Thegirlwhowantstolaughandhavefun.Perfectisn’tfun,Ash.”
IletthebadgirloutwithBeaubecauseIknewhewouldn’tshunherorreprimandher.Heknewapart
of me I didn’t show anyone else. Sure, Grana always encouraged me to make my own decisions and
embracetherealme,butIstillkeptthetrulybadsideofmehidden,evenfromher.Iwantedtoarguewith
himandthrowmywalluptoblockouthisseeinginsidebutIcouldn’t.Ineededhimtoletmebeme.No
one other than Grana ever let me stretch and spread my wings. Beau had always been the only other
persontoacceptmeasIam.
Inoddedandfixedmyeyesbacktotheroadinfrontofus.
“Ican’tbethatgirlallthetime.Myparents,Sawyer,thepeopleinthistown—theyallexpectthegood
girl.Ican’tletthemseethissideofme.Butitfeelssogoodtoletherloose.Ifonlyalittlewhile.So,
thankyou.”
Ididn’tglancebacktoseehisreactionbutIdidn’tneedto.Hishandreachedformineandheheldit.
Nowordswereneeded,becauseheunderstood.
Chapter6
Iwokeuptofindmymothersittingontheedgeofmybed.Eventhoughmyvisionwasstillblurryfrom
sleep,itwashardtomissherbloodshoteyesandthedarkcirclesunderneaththem.
“Mom,”Iasked,wantingtoreachforherandcomforther.Thelittlegirlinsidemewasterrifiedtosee
mymomsoobviouslyupset.
“Goodmorning,sweetheart.I’msorryifIwokeyoubutIwantedtotalktoyoubeforeDadgotback
home.”
Immediatelymystomachdropped.
“Ashtonhoney,Granahaspassedaway.”
Allotherthoughtsleftmymind.
“What?”
Mom let out a small sob and reached for one of my hands. Her gentle squeeze didn’t comfort me.
Insteaditterrifiedme.Itfeltreal.Shewasreal.Oh,God,no.
“Last night Grana went to sleep. When Dad got there this morning to fix her water heater, before he
wenttothechurch,hefoundherinbed.Itwasaheartattack.”
Ishookmyhead,notbelievingwhatmymotherwassaying.Ihadtostillbedreaming.Thiscouldn’tbe
happening.Wehadplans,GranaandI.Thereweresomanythingswestillhadtodo.
“Sweetie,IknowyouwereclosetoyourGrana.ThisishardonallofusbutIknowit’shardestonyou.
It’sokaytocry.I’mhereandI’llholdyou.”
I’dneverthoughtaboutmyGranadying.Shewasafixtureinmylife.MyescapefromtheworldIlived
indaily.Sheunderstoodmeinawaymyparentsneverhad.Grananeverexpectedmetobeperfectlike
myparentsandSawyerdid.Beingwithherwasfreeing.Itwaslike,likewhenIwaswithBeau.Icould
bemyselfandIknewshelovedme.Anemptinesssettledinsidemeastearsrolleddownmyface.Istill
neededher.Howcouldshebegone?I’djustbeentoseeher.She’djusttoldmehownoonecouldbeas
perfectwithBeauwithouthisshirton.We’dlaughedtogether.She’djusthadapedicure.Howcouldshe
be dead? She wasn’t ready to die. Her toes had been hot pink. She was ready for some fun. We had
arrangedtogotoshoppingtogether.
“Wehaveplans,”Ichokedout.Icouldn’tthinkofanythingelsetosay.Nothingmadesense.
Mymother’sarmscamearoundme,pullingmeintoherembrace.AllmylifeI’dfoundcomfortinher
arms but now I only felt numb. My Grana wouldn’t be there for my wedding day. We’d never take that
cruisetogetherorgoscubadivingintheBahamas.Shewouldn’tbetheretomakesugarcookiesformy
kidsoneday.WherewouldIfindanescapefromthepressureofmylife?HowcouldIlivewithouther?
Ashton,
Againsorryforthelongdelaysinemails.AfterafulldayofhikingIcrashwhenwegetbacktothe
cabin. I’m fighting off exhaustion so I can write you. Today Cade and I took a special trail that my
momandsisterdidn’twanttotry.SoDadstayedwiththem.Itwasprettysteepinareas.Itwasgreat.
TheviewwefinallycametowasamazingandCadegottoseehisfirstblackbear.Ithinkhetooka
dozenpicturesofit.
Hanginthere.Yourboredomisalmosthalfwayover.I’llbehomeintwentydays.Loveya,
Sawyer
Sawyer,hey...
Ididn’twanttotellacomputerscreenthatmyGranahaddied.Icouldn’ttellhimaboutwashingthecar
withBeauandplayingpoolinabar.Myvisionwasblurredfromcryingandtalkingtoacomputerwasthe
lastthingIwantedtodo.Ierasedmyresponseandgrabbedmypursethenheadedformycar.Icouldlie
tomyselfandsayIdidn’tknowwhereIwasgoing,thatIjustneededtogetawayanddrive.ButIknew
deepdownexactlywhereIwasheaded.
IparkedmyJettaoutbyMr.Jackson’sbarn.Beauhadn’tbeenhomebuthismotherhadtakenonelookat
mystrickenfaceandtoldmewhereIcouldfindhim.
IheardthetractorbeforeIsawit.Myfeetstartedwalkingtowardthesound.Ineededsomeonetohelp
me forget the awful truth. I didn’t need a stupid email telling me about waterfalls and bears. I needed
someonehereandthefirstpersonthatcametomindwasBeau.Hewouldn’ttellmeeverythingwouldbe
okay.Hewouldn’ttrytoappeasemelikeachild.Ineededhim.
Theminutehesawmewalkingacrossthefield,thetractorstopped.HiseyeslockedonmeandIstarted
torun.IcouldfeelthewetnessonmyfacefrommytearsasIrantowardhim.Hejumpeddownjustbefore
Ireachedhim.
BeaucaughtmeasIflungmyselfintohisarms.Thesilenttearsturnedintoloudsobsforthefirsttime
sincemymotherhadtoldmeGranawasgone.Hedidn’task.I’dknownhewouldn’t.Hewouldwaituntil
Iwasready.
Beau
IpulledAshtonintomylapasIsatdownunderanoldoaktree.Herarmstightenedaroundmyneckasshe
sobbedpitifullyagainstmychest.Iwasscaredtoaskwhatwaswrong.Instead,Iheldherandwaited.My
chestachedsobadwitheachsobitwasdifficulttotakedeepbreaths.Sittinghereandwaitingonherto
calmdownenoughtotellmewhoIneededtogobeattheshitoutofformakinghercrywasn’teasy.Asob
shook her body and I cradled her tighter against me. My heart spasmed with each tremble of her body.
EvenwhenwewerekidsIdidn’tliketoseeherupset.Theonetimeakidhadhurtherfeelingsonthe
playgroundI’dreactedbyshovingthekid’sfaceinthedirt.Ithadgotmetwodays’suspensionbutit’d
beenworthit.Noonebotheredheragain.Theyknewbetter.
Hersobsslowlybegantoeasetosoftlittlewhimpers.Igazeddownatherassheliftedherheadfrom
mysweatychest.Herbiggreeneyesstaredupatmeandthetightnessinmychestthrobbed.Ifsomeone
hadhurtherIwouldkillthem.IfSawyerwasthecauseofthisIwouldtakehimdown.Cousinornot,no
onewasallowedtomakeAshtoncry.
“MyGranahadaheartattacklastnight,”shewhispered.
Ihadn’texpectedthat.
“I’msorry,baby.”
“Justholdme,please,”shereplied.
I’dholdherforeverifIcould.
Igentlymovedthehairstucktohertear-soakedfaceandtuckeditbehindherears.Sheglanceddown
andtensedasshefinallynoticedmylackofashirt.Mychestwasnowsoakednotonlywithsweatbuther
tears.Istartedtosaysomethingbutthewordsstuckinmythroatwhenherhandmoveduptomychestand
shebegansoftlywipingthedropletsofmoistureoffofme.Istoppedbreathing.Iknewitwaswrongtolet
herdothisbutIcouldn’tbringmyselftocare.Sheshiftedinmylapuntilshewasstraddlingme.Iletmy
handsfalltoherwaistasshecontinuedtouchingmychest.Myheartstartedslammingagainstmyribsso
hardIknewshehadtofeelit.Ineededtostopthis.
“Beau,”shesaid.
Itoremyeyesawayfromherhandsonmychestandgazedupatherface.Therewasaquestioninher
eyes.Icouldseeit.Wasthiswhatsheneededrightnow?Wasitwrongtoletherdealwithherpainby
doingsomethingthatwouldonlycauseusmorepainlater?Thetearsinhereyeshaddriedup.Hermouth
wasslightlyopenasshetookdeep,heavybreaths.Ah,hell.
“Yes,”Imanagedasastrangledreply.
HerhandsleftmeandIstartedtotakeadeepbreathtoeasemyburningoxygen-deprivedlungswhenI
realizedwhyshe’dstoppeddrivingmecrazywithherinnocentcaresses.Thedeepbreathlodgedinmy
throatashertopcameoff.Withouttakinghereyesoffmeshedroppedthelittletanktopontothegrass
besideher.IhadthoughtnothingcouldbesexierthanAshtoninabikiniandI’dbeensowrong.Ashtonin
alacywhitebrawasbyfarthesexiestthingI’deverseen.
“Ash,baby,what’reyoudoing?”Iaskedinahoarsewhisper.Itriedforcingmyselftolookupather
facetogaugewhatshewasthinkingbutIcouldn’ttakemyeyesoffthesofttannedfleshpushedupover
thetopofherbra.Iwantedtopullthatlacedownsobadandgetmyfirstlookathernipples.
“Touchme,”shewhispered.ThefactshewasSawyer’sgirlnolongerseemedtomatter.Icouldn’ttell
herno.Hell,Icouldn’ttellmyselfno.
Itracedalinefromhercollarbonetothetopofhercleavage.Shegaspedloudlyandsankdowninmy
lapapplyingpressuretomycock.Shewasgoingtosendmeintoacrazedfrenzyifshekeptitup.Asif
shecouldreadmythoughtsandwantedtotestmeshewiggledherassinmylap.
“Ah,damn,”Imoanedbeforegrabbingherfaceandpullinghermouthtomine.
Themomentmymouthtouchedhersmyworldstartedspinningbeneathme.Icouldn’tgetenough.Ihad
her bra off and my hands full within moments. The loud moan of pleasure that escaped from her mouth
almostsentmeovertheedge.BothhardnipplespressedagainstmypalmsandIwantedtotastethem.I’d
wantedtotastethemforsoverylong.
I’d lost my virginity at the age of thirteen and there had been many girls since then, but nothing had
prepared me for this feeling. Ashton wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her bare chest up
againstmine,causingmetoshudderforthefirsttimeinmylife.Ikissedatrailfromhermouthtoherear
thendownherneck.I’dcrossedthelinekissingherandtouchingher.Ineededtostopthis.
“Please,Beau,”shepleadedandsatuponherknees,presentinghertightpinknipplestomyincredibly
eagermouth.
IwasweakandmoreturnedonthanI’dbeeninmyentirelife.Pullingoneofhernipplesintomymouth
Igroanedandbuckedmyhipsupagainstherwarmth.
“OHGOD,”shecriedoutasherhandsgrabbedmyarmstightlyandsqueezed.
Iwastrembling.Ineededmore.Ineededtostopthis.Weshouldn’tbedoingthis.Shewasupset.She
wasSawyer’s.
IreleasedhernipplefrommymouthandclosedmyeyestightlysoIcouldn’tseetheothertightlittle
puckerednippleI’dyettogetatasteof.Dammitalltohell.HowwasIsupposedtocontrolmyself?
Ashton shifted in my lap and I thought she was getting up but her warm breath tickled the skin just
belowmynavel.BeforeIcouldrespondherpinktonguedartedoutandlickedatthetattooovermyleft
sidedangerouslyclosetomyhipbone.Iopenedmymouthtostopherwhenherhandranupmylegand
cuppedmyhard-onandgentlysqueezed.
“Holyshit,”Imoaned,unabletokeepfrompressingmythrobbingdickagainstherhand.Icouldn’tseem
tocontrolmybodyanylonger.She’dsomehowtakenoveritsresponses.
Whenherfingertracedthetopofmyjeans,thenbeganunfasteningthem,Imanagedtoregainsomeform
ofwillpower.Icoveredherhandwithmineandhelditfirmlyinplace.Icouldn’tletherdothat.Shewas
tryingtoforgetherpainwithpleasureandasmuchasI’dliketohelpheroutIcouldn’t.Ihadafucking
conscienceafterall.Dammit.
“Ash,baby,wecan’tdothis.You’reupset,”Imanagedtogetoutinahoarsewhisper.Myheartwas
stillhammeringagainstmychestandmydamnerectionwasincrediblypainfulagainstmyjeans.
“Ijustneedtotouchyou,Beau.Please,”shewhispered,crawlingbackintomylapandtracingkisses
upmyneck.Sawyer.IneededtorememberSawyer.
“Justtouchmealittlemore,”shepleaded,pullingbackandlookingupatmewithsad,needyeyes.
Icouldn’ttellherno.Notnow.I’dletitgotoofar.Iwashooked.Islidmyhandsbackupherwaist,
teasing the undersides of her breasts before covering them with my hands. Damn they were fucking
perfect.Shewasperfect.“Tellmewhereyouwantmetotouchyou,”Isaid,needinghertoguidethis.
Shearchedherback,pressinghertitsfurtherintomyhands.“That’sanicestart,”sherepliedinasoft
moan.Seeingherheadthrownbackandhereyesclosedlikeshewasinthemiddleofanorgasmmade
everythingelsefadeaway.Ineededmoreofthat.Ineededtoseeitagain.Islippedoneofmyhandsback
downherstomachtoherthighandranituptheinsideoftheshortsshehadonuntilIfeltthewarm,wet
fabricofherpanties.Sheshutteredagainstmeandcriedout.
“Whataboutthis?Youwantmetotouchhere?”Iasked,leaningtowardherearandwhisperingasIslid
onefingerinsideherheat.
“Ohgod,Beau,”shegasped,shakinginmyarms.Iknewwhatsheneeded.Itmightphysicallyputmein
aworldofpainbutI’dgiveittoher.Ifthisiswhatsheneededrightnow,I’dmakesureshegotit.
“Youfeellikeheaven,Ash.”IbentmyheadandpulledthenippleIhadn’tgottenatasteofyetintomy
mouthbeforemovingmyfingerinandoutofhertighthole.Iwantedinsobad.Butshewasn’treadyfor
that.Thiswasabouthelpingher,notme.
“Beau...please...ohgod...Ah...Beau...please...more...please...”shepantedasshe
beganrockingherhipsagainstmyhand.Shewasclose.Icouldfeelit.AndfuckifIwasn’tclosetoo.Just
watchingherandtastingherandfeelingherwetnesswasabouttopushmeovertheedge.
“Igotyou,baby.Comeforme,”IencouragedherbeforeIgentlybitdownonhernipple.
“BEAU!”shecriedoutinaloadmoanandshatteredagainstmyhand.Tomysurprise,Iwentoffwith
her.
Overanhourlater,Iheldherasshesatcurledupinmylap.IwaswaitingonthehorrorofwhatI’ddone
towashoverme.However,havingAshtoninmyarmswasn’thelpingmeworkuptheremorseIshouldbe
feeling.Instead,Ifinallyfeltalive.
Ashton
IopenedmycardoorandturnedbacktopeekatBeau.Myheartflutteredwildlyatthesightofhim.I’d
wantedtogoallthewaybuthe’dstoppedus.AsmiletuggedatmylipsbecauseIknewhehadn’tstopped
mebecauseitwaswrongorbecausehedidn’twantto.Itjusthadn’tbeentherighttime.Beauhadbeenas
deliriouslyturnedonasI’dbeen.He’dlookedatmewiththosebeautifulhazeleyesnolongerhidinghis
feelings.
“Canyougetouttonight?”heaskedashesteppedtowardmejustcloseenoughtotouchmywaist.The
skinwherehishandgrazedtingledwithanticipation.
“Yes,it’llbelatethough.I’vegottogotoGrana’s.Peoplewillbebringingfoodandallthatstuff.I’ll
needtoseeyoutocheermeup.Makemeforget.”I’dcrawloutmywindowforhimifIhadto.
HesteppedcloserandIwatchedasheloweredhismouthtomine.Justlikebefore,theearthfellout
fromundermewiththetouchofhislips.Iclungtohisshoulders,afraidI’dcollapseifheletmego.He
brokethekissandmovedhismouthtomyear.Ishiveredandpressedclosertohim.
“Text me when you’re ready and I’ll meet you at the park behind your house,” he whispered then
steppedback.
Igrabbedthedoorforsupportbeforenoddingandgettingintomycar.
BeaustoodtherewatchingmeasIbackedupandturnedthecararoundtodriveaway.Ididn’twanthim
toregretanything.RightnowIdidn’twanttothinkaboutwhatwaswrongwithus.Itfelttoogoodtobe
wrong.
MyphonerangandIreachedforitwithoutlookingdowntoseewhoitwas.
“Hello.”
“Stoplookingbackatmeandwatchtheroad.”Beau’sdeep,smoothdrawlcamethroughthephone.
Smiling,Irealizedhehadhisphoneuptohisear.Hewasalmosttoofarawaytoseehimclearlynow.
“Well,stopstandingthereallshirtlessandsexyandcausingadistraction,”Ireplied.
Beausighed.“Whatarewedoing,Ash?”
Iwasn’tsurehowtoanswerthatandrightnowIdidn’twantto.“Let’sjustenjoyit,”Ibegged.
“I’lldowhateveryouwantmeto.Ialwayshave,”washisreply.
“Wheredidyourunofftolastnight?”Leannwhisperedassheploppeddownonthestepbesideme.I’d
decidedtohideoutonthestairsonceGrana’shousefilledtocapacitywithpeople.Theyweresuffocating
me.LeannwasherewithhermotherandIappreciateditbutIwasn’tinthemoodtotalk.Istudiedher
expressiontoseeifshehadanyideaBeauhadtakenmetoplaypoolbeforetakingmehome.I’dtexted
hertoletherknowhewasdrivingmehomebecauseIhadaheadacheandI’dleftitatthat.
“BeauofferedtotakemehomesoIwent.Iwasn’tinthemoodtohangoutafterRyan.”
Sheleanedoverclosertome,bumpinghershoulderagainstmine.“Girl,youshould’veseenthebloody
messBeaumadeofRyan’sface.Hebeatthecrapoutofhim.Itwashot.”
Irolledmyeyesatherwords,hidingthesecretthrillIfeltoverhavingBeautakeupforme.
“Don’trollyoureyes.YouhavenoideahowhothewasbeatingRyan’sfacein.Hekeptwarninghim
he’dkillhimifheevenlookedinyourdirectionagain.”
Iopenedmymouthtorespondwhenthesmellofintenseoldladyperfumewaftedoverme.
“Ashton,sweetie,I’msosorry.”Mrs.Murphy,oneoftheladiesinthechurchwhoGranaalwayssaid
needed to wear more make-up to cover up her bags and less perfume because she was polluting the
atmosphere,stoppedinfrontofmeandheldoutherhands.
Everyone wanted to hug me as if a hug was going to make me feel better. Mrs. Murphy’s habit of
bathing in cheap perfume caused a headache with up-close contact. So I patted her hand awkwardly,
hopingshedidn’tgrabitandjerkmeupintoherarms.IcouldseethewhiteusedtissueinhergraspandI
wasn’tthrilledabouthavingtotouchitorhaveittouchme.
“Thanks,Mrs.Murphy,”Ireplied.
Shesniffedanddottedathereyeswiththetissue.“It’sjustsohardtobelieve.Imean,shewasjustat
theladies’auxiliarymeetingonMonday.It’sawful,justawful.”
I didn’t need this. Why people thought I wanted to hear about the last time they saw my Grana was
beyond me. I was trying to forget. I wanted to pretend she and I were going to curl up on the swing
togetherwheneveryonewasgoneandtalkaboutfunnythingswesaworsomeonesaid.Ididn’tneedto
getaplaybyplayfromeveryonehereonthelasttimetheysawmyGranaalive.
“Thanks,Mrs.Murphy.Ashtonisdealingwiththingsthebestshecan.Sheappreciatesyourwordsbut
sheisn’tuptotalkingaboutitjustyet.”Leann’swordswereperfect.Mrs.Murphygavemeonelastsad
smileandnoddedbeforemakingherwayovertosomeonewhowouldtalktoher.
“Thanks,”Isaid,glancingoveratLeann.
Shewrappedherarmaroundmyshoulder.“That’swhatfriendsarefor.”
Inoddedandlaidmyheadoveronhershoulder.Iwasgoingtomissherthisyearatschool.Ineverhad
many girlfriends. I’d grown up with the Vincent boys as my two best friends. I wasn’t good with girl
friendships.Leannhadbeenmyfirstgirlfriendmyfreshmanyear.She’dbeenasophomore,andtakenme
underherwing.
“WhatamIgoingtodowithoutyouthisyear?”
“YouhavePrinceCharming.You’lldofine.Besides,I’llonlybeaphonecallaway.”Tearsstungmy
eyes.I’dlostmyGranaandIwaslosingLeann.Myworldwaschangingsoquickly.IreallyneededBeau
rightnow.Hewouldmakesenseofeverything.He’dlistentomecomplainandfeelsorryformyselfand
nottrytomakemelookonthebrightside.WrappedupinhisarmswaswhereIwantedtobe.Nothere
withabunchofpeopleinmyGrana’shouseandakitchenfullofcasserolesandpies.
“Youwanttogetoutofhere?I’lltakeyououtandgetyoudrunk,”Leannwhispered.
Icouldn’tleavemyparentstodealwithallofthisalone.“Thanks,butIcan’t.Ineedtobehere.Grana
would want me here.” My heart ached painfully and I fought back the tears. I would get through this.
Grana would want me to be strong. If she knew I’d messed around with Beau Vincent today she’d be
thrilled.Asmiletuggedatmylipsalthoughmyeyeswereblurrywithunshedtears.Theonepersonthat
matteredwouldwholeheartedlysupportmyspendingtimewithBeau.Somehow,thatmadeitallbetter.
“I’mgoingtoamoviewithLeann,”Isaidassoonaswewalkedintothehouse.
ThelastofthevisitorsatGrana’shadfinallygone,leavinguswithmorefoodthanwecouldeatina
year.Isatasweetpotatocasseroleonthebarandturnedtolookatmyparents.
“You’re going to a movie this late?” Dad asked, frowning as he sat down several pies he’d carried
inside.
“It’s a midnight viewing for some vampire movie or something. She doesn’t want to go alone and I
needtogetmymindoffthings.”
My mom, who appeared better this evening than she had this morning, smiled. She seemed pleased I
wasn’t planning on crawling into bed to cry. Wonder how she’d feel if she knew I was planning on
crawling into the arms of the town’s bad boy to cry instead? I couldn’t worry about what she or Dad
thought.Stayingherelookingintomydad’ssadeyesandmymother’stentativesmilewouldonlycauseme
morepain.WhenIwaswithBeauIcouldforgetforalittlewhile.
“Good.Gooutandhavesomefun.You’vebeenspendingtoomuchtimealonesinceSawyerleft.Itisn’t
good to be alone all the time,” Mom encouraged. Dad hadn’t seemed to be able to say much today.
Lookingathimcausedthepaininmychesttoopenupagain.IglancedbackatMom.
“Iknow.IjustneededtoadjusttoSawyerbeinggone.Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchtimeIspentwithhim
untilhewasn’there.”
Momlikedmyresponse.ShelovedSawyerbutshealwaysremindedmehowgettingtooseriousthis
youngwasn’tagoodidea.Istillhadcollegeaheadofme.TheguiltofwhatIwasdoingwithBeaueased
evenmorewhenIlookedatmymom’ssmile.IwaslyingtoheraboutwhoIwaswithandwhatIwas
doing,butinaroundaboutwayIwasdoingwhatshewanted.
Normally this was when my dad would tell me to be careful and be home by eleven. Tonight he
remainedsilent.Lostinhisownworldofpain.Igavethemonelastsmileandheadedforthedoor.
Chapter7
Iwalkedtheshorttrailfrommyhousetothepark.Ididn’twantmycarleftsittingintheparkinglotfor
everyonetosee.Itwouldn’ttakemuchforthemtorealizeBeauhadbeenparkedthereearlierandnowmy
emptycarwasinitsplace.Nooneexpectedthepreacher’sdaughtertosinbuttheysurewouldloveto
catch me at it. Not that this was a sin exactly. Well, lying to my parents was, but Beau was Sawyer’s
cousinandmy...friend.IwasprettysuresomeoftheplacesBeauhadtouchedmeandkissedmethis
afternoonfellintothesincategorybutIcouldn’tbringmyselftocare.BythetimeIreachedtheparkI’d
almostconvincedmyselfofourinnocence.
Theparkwasdesertedexceptforonebeat-upChevytruck.Irantothepassenger’ssideandjumpedin
before someone could drive up and catch me. Beau was smiling at me, and my heartbeat picked up its
pace.
“Ireallylikeitwhenyouwearsundresses,”hesaidbeforecrankingupthetruckandpullingoutonto
the road. I glanced down at the short hem on the baby-blue sundress I’d picked out and a tingle of
anticipationranthroughme.
“I’mnotgoingbackthroughtown.Comeoverhere,”hesaid,pattingthespotbesidehim.Iscootedover
ascloseasIcouldwithoutmylegstouchingthestickshift.
“That’snotcloseenough.Straddleit,”hesaid.Iglancedupathimandhetookhiseyesofftheroadjust
a moment to meet my gaze. My heart did a little fluttery thing against my chest. I moved a leg over the
stick shift and scooted over until my thigh was up against his. I was suddenly light headed as his hand
restedonthestickshiftbetweenmyknees.
“HowlatedoIgettokeepyoutonight?”heasked,breakingintomythoughts.
“Oh,um,theydidn’tsaybutthenIdon’tnormallygooutthislate.ItoldthemIwasgoingtoamidnight
movie.”
He shifted gears then rested his hand on my thigh. I was beginning to understand why he liked
sundresses.
“Good,we’vegottimetogotothebay,”hereplied.
Ihadn’tbeentothebayinyears.Sawyerneverwantedtodriveoutthatway.Hesaidthewaterwas
nastybutIalwaysthoughtitwasbeautiful.
“Ifigureditwouldbebestifwedidn’thangoutaroundhere.”
InoddedbecauseIunderstoodhismeaning.Hedidn’tseembotheredbythefacthewasdoingthingshe
shouldn’tbewithhiscousin’sgirlfriend.ThethoughtremindedmeoftheimageI’dhadofBeauthepast
fewyears.Heplayedgamestohisadvantage.Thesexyrebelwhotookwhathewanted.Exceptthatimage
nolongerseemedaccurate.He’dheldmetodaywithoutquestionasIcriedandslobberedalloverhim.
He’dstoppedworkingtocomfortme.Someonewithselfishmotivesdidn’tdothat.Besides,ifwhatwe
weredoingmeanthehadablackheartthenIhadonetoo.
“You’refrowning.What’sgoingthroughyourhead?”heasked.
Ithoughtaboutlyingtohim,sinceIwasbecomingaregularoldliar,butIcouldn’tlietohimtoo.This
wassomethingIneededtotalkaboutbefore...well,beforewewentalltheway.
“HowIknowI’mdoingsomethingwrongandIfeelguiltybutneitherofthosethingsmatterenoughto
makemestop.”
Beau’shandleftmythighandreturnedtothestickshift.Istudiedhislargetannedhandandwondered
how it was fair for someone to be given all perfect body parts. His grip on the stick was so tight the
tannedcolorofhisskinpaledsome.Iwantedtoreachoutandsoothehim,makethetensiongoaway.But
wehadtotalkaboutthis.Hedidn’tsayanythingelseormakeamovetotouchme.Asickknotofdread
settledinmystomachasIwaitedtoseeifhewasgoingtoturnaroundandtakemeback.I’dreminded
himofhowwrongwhatweweredoingwasandhewasn’tdealingwithitwell.HelovedSawyerandI’d
never imagined he’d do something like this to his cousin. I wasn’t any better. I was supposed to love
SawyertooandIdidbutnotthewayIshould.AsthesilencestretchedonIwaitedforBeautoturnthe
truckaroundandtakemebacktothepark,buthekeptheadingtowardthebay.Afterafewminutes,whenI
wassurehewasn’tgoingtoturnaround,Irelaxedandwaited.
Beau pulled off a dirt road, and through the overgrown grass and weeds I could see a clearing up
ahead.Itwascompletewithapier.Beauturnedhistruckandbackeditupsothebackendwasfacingthe
water.
“Wherearewe?”Iasked.
“Apieceofpropertyafriendofmineowns.Heboughtittobuildonwhenhegetsoutofcollege,”he
repliedandreachedforthedoortoopenit.
IstartedtoscootoversoIcouldgetoutontheothersidewhenhishandtouchedmyleg,causingmeto
tremblebeforeglancingbackathim.
“Waithere.I’mgoingtofixitupbacktherethengetyouandcarryyouback.Thegrassishighandthere
couldbesnakesinit.”
Inoddedandwatchedashejumpeddownintothetallgrass.Thesnakesbotheredmesome,buttheidea
of him carrying me was causing other ideas to form in my head that kept me occupied while I waited.
Withinminuteshewasbackstandingoutsidetheopentruckdoor.Hecrookedhisfingerformetocometo
him.IslidoveruntilIwascloseenoughforhimtograbmeundermylegsandcarryme.Themomenthe
picked me up I suddenly worried I might be too heavy. I tried not to dwell on my weight but I didn’t
normallyhaveguyspickingmeupandcarryingmearound.Luckilymyweightdidn’tseemtobeanissue
ashecarriedmearoundthebackofthetruckandliftedmeupintothebedofitwithease.
He’dspreadoutseveralquiltsandacouplepillows.Acoolersatinthefarcorner.Icrawleduptothe
middleandsatdown.Beaustoodatthetailgatewatchingme.Theshadowsfromthemoonlightshadedhis
eyessoIcouldn’tbesurewhathewasthinking.
“Areyoucoming?”Iasked,almostscaredofhisanswer.
“Yeah,Igotalittlesidetrackedbytheview,”hereplied.
Ashiverofanticipationranthroughmeashecrawledupintothetruckbed.Kneelinginfrontofmehe
reachedoutandtookmyrightfootthenlaiditagainsthisjean-cladthigh.Fascinated,Iwatchedhimashe
unsnappedmysandalandplaceditbesidethecooler.Heplacedmyfootbackdownontheblanketthen
reachedformyleftfootandwiththesameslow,carefulattentionheremovedmyothershoe.Onceboth
myfeetwerebareheliftedhisgazetomeetmyeyes.
A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “I like your pink toenails,” he replied, glancing back
downatmyfeet.MysillyheartthumpedwildlyinmychestandIletoutanervouslaugh.
“It’scottoncandy.Thecoloris,Imean.”Icouldn’tevenmakecoherentsentences.
“Ilikecottoncandy.Thosetoesofyoursjustmaybesweeterthough.”
His warm hand squeezed the foot closest to him as he moved to sit down beside me. Neither of us
spokeaswestaredoutoverthestillwater.I’dneverbeensonervousinmylife.
Beaushiftedbesidemeandthenlaidbackonthepillowsbehindus.Iturnedslightlytopeerdownat
him.Didhewantmetolaydowntoo?Tuckingonearmbehindhisheadandstretchingtheotheroutbeside
himBeaugrinnedupatmeasifhecouldreadmymind.
“Comehere,”hesaid.
Iquicklyscootedoverandcurledupbesidehim,restingmyheadonhischest.Therewasapeaceinhis
armsI’dneverexperiencedwithSawyer.ItwasasifI’dcomehomeafteryearsofsearching.
“IloveSawyer,Ash,”Beausaidquietlyintothenight.Hesoundedasifhewastryingtoconvinceme
ofthis.“MywholelifeI’veneverenviedhimanything.Nothisfather.Nothismother.Nothismoney.Not
hisathleticabilities.”Hestoppedandtookaraggedbreath.Myheartachedforhim.Isqueezedthehand
restingonhisstomachintoafisttokeepfromreachingupandsoothinghimlikeachild.“UntilthedayI
watchedfromacrossthefootballfieldashepickedyouupandkissedyouonthemouth.Itwasn’tyour
firstkiss.ImighthavejustbeenfourteenyearsoldbutIcouldtellI’dsomehowbeenleftoutofasecret.I
wantedtoplantmyfistinhisfaceandripyououtofhisarms.AsItookasteptowardhimyoureyesmet
mineandIsawthesilentpleadingforforgivenessoracceptance.Iwasn’tsurewhich.AllIknewwasyou
wereSawyer’snow.Mybestfriendwasgone.Ienviedhimandhatedhimforthefirsttimethatday.He’d
finallywontheoneprizeIthoughtwasmine.”
I closed my eyes against the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I wanted to tell him how I’d
never felt faint when Sawyer kissed me or how the earth didn’t move under his touch. Instead I stayed
silent,knowingIcouldn’t.EventhoughitwasBeauIwanted,IknewIcouldneverhavehim.Theselast
two weeks were all we had. Sawyer would come home and I would be with him again. There was no
otheroption.
IturnedoverandleaneduponmyelbowuntilIwasstaringdownintohissombereyes.Icouldfeelhis
heartbeatingfastunderneathmyhand.
“Youweremybestfriend,Beau.Younevertreatedmeorlookedatmeanywaybutasafriend.OnceI
startedtochangeandweallbegantonoticetheoppositesexyouneverseemedtocarethatIwasagirl.
Sawyerdid.Maybebecausehehadn’tbeenmypartnerincrime.MaybebecausetheconnectionIhadwith
himhadn’tbeenthesameastheoneIhadwithyou.Buthesawmeasagirl.IthinkdeepdownI’dbeen
waitingonyoubutwhenhekissedme,Iknewitwouldneverbeyou.Iwasn’ttheoneforyou.”
Beaureachedupandcuppedthesideofmyfacewithhishand.
“Iwasveryawarethatyouwereagirl,Ash.Iwasjustscaredbecausetheonepersonintheworldwho
kneweverysecretI’deverhadalsohappenedtobethemostbeautifulgirlI’deverknown.Myfeelings
foryouwerescaryashell.”
Ileaneddownandkissedthefrownbetweenhisbrows.
“Rightnow.Righthere.I’myours.NotSawyer’s.Heisn’twhoIwant.Rightnow,allIwantisyou.”I
chosemywordscarefullysowebothunderstoodmymeaning.
HetookmywaistandshiftedhisbodysoIwascompletelyontopofhim.Iloweredmymouthtohis
andsighedashishandsfoundthehemofmydressandthewarmpressureofhispalmsranupmythighs.
TonightIwouldgivemyselftoBeaubecauseIwantedto.Hewasthetown’sbadboyandIwasthe
preacher’sdaughter.Itwasn’tsupposedtohappenthisway.
“Ash,Iwantyou.Bad,very,verybad.Butyoudeservebetterthanthis.”
Ibentbackdownoverhimandkissedhimagainbeforepullingbackenoughtowhisper,“Itdoesn’tget
anybetterthanthis,Beau.”
HishandscuppedmybottomandshiftedmesoIcouldfeelthepressureofhisobviousarousalagainst
thewarmthbetweenmythighs.
“Please, Beau,” I cried out, not sure what I was begging for but knowing I needed more. His hands
grippedmywaist.
“Holdontome,baby.I’mgoingtotakecareofyou.”Theraspyneedinhisvoiceonlymadememore
desperate.
Hishipsrockedagainstmineonemoretime,causingwavesofpleasuretopulsethroughmybodyfrom
thefrictionbetweenmylegs.Beaureachedupandcuppedhishandbehindmyheadandpulledmedown
untilmymouthcoveredhis.ThiswaswhatIneeded.Thisconnection.Araw,needy,honestattraction.Not
somethingcontrolledandcareful.Ineededreckless.
Beau’stongueslidbetweenmylipsandbegantotasteeverydarkcornerofmymouthlikeIwassome
exotictreathewantedtosavor.ThiswasthefeelingI’dalwayslongedfor.InoneswiftmoveBeaurolled
meoverandhoveredovermebeforepressingatrailofkissesacrossmychest.Ineededmore.WigglingI
reached for his hair and tugged on the short strands impatiently. A low chuckle rumbled against Beau’s
chestbeforeawarmhandslidbetweenmylegsandslowlymadeitswayupmythigh.
Icouldn’tkeepananxioussighfromescapingmymouth.
“You’rebeautiful,Ash,”Beauwhisperedashishandreacheditsdestination.Onelongfingertracedthe
outsideedgeofmypantiesandIwhimpered,wantingmore.“Iloveitwhenyoumakethosesweetlittle
noises.Drivesmecrazy,”hemurmuredagainstmyneck.
WhenBeau’swarmthleftmeIstartedtoprotestuntilbothhishandsslippedundermysundressandhis
fingersslidintothesidesofmypantiesandbeganpullingthemdown.IwatchedhisfaceasIgaspedfor
air.Theexcitementandneedwasmakingithardtotakedeepbreaths.Therewasalookofwonderand
almost worshipful gaze in Beau’s eyes as he pulled my panties off then folded them and placed them
besidehim.Finallyheliftedhiseyestomeetmine.
“Are you sure?” The restraint in his voice was obvious. He would stop if I wanted him to. I trusted
him.Completely.
“Yes.Verysure,”Ireplied,pullingonelegupsothatmysundressslippeddownmylegandbunchedat
mywaist.
Beau’s eyes went wide with excitement. Slowly he reached his hand out to touch my knee before
movingtheroughtipsofhisfingersdownmythigh.Hischestwasrisingandfallingwitheachquick,short
breathhetook,untilhisfingerslidovermywarmth.
“Ash,”hisvoiceconstricted.
“Please,Beau,”Ibegged,needinghimtomovehisfingers.OnceheslippedonethentwoinsidemeI
lostallthoughtandcriedout.Ididn’tknowwhatIwassayingbutIknewIwasbegginghim.Ididn’twant
this to ever end. He began pumping his fingers in and out as his free hand pushed my other leg back,
openingmeupcompletelytohisview.Thenaughtinessofwhatweweredoingsentmeovertheedgeand
justlikeearliertodaymyworldshatteredintoamillioncolorfulintensewonderfultremors.
Beau
IknewitwaswrongbutIjustdidn’tcare.Notnow.IkeptmyeyesonAshtonasshegaspedforairandI
discardedmyjeans.Shewasallthatmattered.Ihadtohaveher.Theheavy-liddedeyesthatstaredupat
meslowlywidenedinexcitementasshewatchedmestripdown.
My hands trembled as I reached into the pocket of my jeans to grab the condom I’d gotten out of my
glovecompartment.God,whatwasshedoingtome?
“CanIdoit?”Ashtonaskedinahusky,satisfiedvoicethatonlymademycockthrobharder.I’dmade
herfeelthatgood.I’dputthattoneinhervoice.
“What,thecondom?”Iasked,holdingmyselfoverherasIwenttokissherswollenlips.Ineededa
taste.I’dneverbeabletomoveonfromthis.Icouldn’tgivethisup.
“Yes,”sherepliedagainstmymouth.
ChucklingIslippedthesmallfoilpackageintoherhand.“OnlybecauseIcan’ttellyouno.Justdoit
quick,please.”
“Doesithurt?Imean,youknow,toputoneon?”sheaskedasImovedback,kneelingbetweenherlegs.
“Notthewayyouthink.I’llenjoyit.Ipromise.”
Anaughtytwinkleinhereyeshadmegroaninginfrustration.Damn,shewasgoingtodrivemecrazy.
Shereachedoutandthefirsttouchofhersofthandsalmosthadmelosingitrightthere.Iwantedtowatch
herbutIknewIcouldn’t.Iwouldn’tbeabletoholdback.ClosingmyeyestightlyIfistedmyhandsand
waited,tryinghardnottothinkaboutwhatshewasdoing.
OncethecondomwascompletelyonIsnappedmyeyesbackopenandgrabbedbothofAshton’shands,
pressingthemupoverherheadwithoneofmineandpantedwhilestaringdownather.
“Givemeaminute,”Iexplainedinatightvoice,tryingdesperatelytoholdittogether.Ihadtocalm
down.Sheneededmetogoslow.
“Okay,”shewhispered.
Iburiedmyfaceinthecrookofherneckanddrewinalongbreath.ThiswasmyAsh.Thismoment
wasoneI’dfantasizedaboutforyears.ItwassomethingIneverthoughtI’dhave.Anothertremblewent
throughmeandAshtonturnedherheadtokissthesideofmyface.
“Iwantthis,Beau.Iwantthiswithyou.”
ThoseweredefinitelywordsI’dneverexpectedtohear.
Shifting,Ireleasedherhandsandheldmyselfoverherwitheachhandplantedfirmlybesideherhead.I
couldn’t speak. Words were impossible. I kissed her softly before lowering my body until I was in
position.
HersoftgaspasIpressedinsidehertightwarmthcausedmetopause.Fuck,thiswashard.Shewasso
tight,sohot,Ineededin.
WhensheliftedherhipstopressmefurtherinsideIshudderedandsankinuntilIfeltthebarrierIknew
wasgoingtobepainfulforher.Ididn’twanttohurther.
“It’sokay,Beau,pleasedon’tstop,”shesaid,rockingagainstme.
CoveringhermouthwithmineIpressedfurtherwithonehardthrust.Thesmallcryagainstmymouth
causedmetostillinstantly.Ibegankissinghergently.Anythingtogethermindoffthepain.Sheslowly
startedtorockagainstmeandIknewanyrestraintIhadwasgone.IwasinsideAshton.Finally.
Chapter8
Beau
Today,Iwassupposedtocutthreedifferentlawns.However,I’djustcalledandrescheduledallofthem
moments before Ashton came running out of the woods and toward my truck. Last night had changed
everythingforme.IneededtotellherexactlyhowIfeltbutIcouldn’tdoitrightnow.Ididn’twantto
havethatconversationyet.Ijustwantedtoenjoybeingwithher.Weweregoingtospendthedayatthe
beachtodayandblendinwithallthetourists.Hangingouttogetherintownwasn’tanoption.Atleastnot
untilSawyercamehomeandItalkedwithhim.Icouldn’tlethergo.Notnow.ThisonetimeinmylifeI
wasn’tgoingtositbackandwatchSawyerhaveitall.IneededAshton.IlovedherinawayIknewmy
cousinnevercould.
Sheopenedthepassengerdoorandclimbedinside.Godhelpme,shehadonapairoftinyshortsand
aneventiniertop,givingmeapeekatherbellybutton.Thebeachwasaforty-fiveminutedriveandshe
wasgoingtomakemecrazydressedlikethat.
“Goodmorning,”shesaid,smilingassheslidoverbesidemeandstraddledthestickshift.Allworries
ofSawyerfledmymind.
“Goodmorning,beautiful,”Irepliedandleanedovertokissher.Sheimmediatelysighedandmoved
closertome,runningherfingersthroughmyhair.Ittookallmyself-controltopullback.
“Don’tyouwanttogetoutofherefirst?”Iasked.
ShepoutedasifI’djusttakenawayherfavoritetoyandsatback,crossingherarmsoverherchest.
“How’re you feeling today,” I asked, pulling out onto the road. Her dimple winked at me. It took
extremewillpowertokeepdrivingandnotpulloversoIcouldkissthatsweetspot.
“I’mfine...Imean,betterthanfine.I’m...”ShepausedandIglanceddowntoseehercheeksflusha
pretty bright pink. I couldn’t keep from chuckling at the innocent blush on her face. Reaching down I
gently pulled one of the small hands she was wringing nervously in her lap and threaded my fingers
throughherswhilethefirststirringsofpossessivenesscameoverme.
“Areyousore?”Iasked.I’dheardvirginswerenormallysoreafterwards.However,Ashtonhadbeen
thefirstvirginI’deverbeenwith.
Shestartedtoshakeherheadthenherblushdeepened.“Maybealittle.”
“I’msorry,”Ireplied,feelingatugofprotectivenessrearupinsidemetogowiththehealthyheapingof
possessiveness.Shewasturningmyinsidesintoacrazywarzone.
Shegazedupatmeandsmiledshyly.“I’mnot.”
God,Ilovedher.Shewrappedherarmsaroundmineandlaidherheadonmyshoulder.Itwasoneof
thefewtimesIhatedmystickshift.I’dprefertoremainjustlikethiswithouthavingtomovemyarm.
“Tellmeyouputonsunblock,”Isaid,glancingdownatherlightlytannedskin.Thesunonthebeach
wasintenseforeventhebesttanner.Shegiggledandnoddedherhead.Allwasrightwiththeworld.Once
IpulledoutontothehighwayheadedsouthItuckedmyhandbetweenherthighsandenjoyedtheride.
NormallyIdon’tenjoythetourist-coveredbeaches.Buttodaywasdifferent.Ididn’tmindthescreaming
kidsflippingsandinmyfaceastheyscamperedalongthesandortheobnoxioussunburnednortherners
whofeedthedamnseagulls.Ashtonmadeeverythingbetter.
ThesunwasscorchinghotandalthoughAshtonwascontenttobaskintheheatIkeptpullingherout
intothewaveswithme.Watchingherlaughandplayaswedoveintotheoncomingwavesmadeitfeelas
ifouryearsaparthadjustdisappeared.Therewasthenandnow.Thelosttimeinbetweenwaserased.
Beingwithhermademefeelcomplete.She’dalwaysbeentheonetoholdmetogetherwhenmyworld
crumbledaroundme.
“OHMYGOD.THERE’SAJELLYFISH!”Hershriekwasfollowedbyahumorousattemptatrunning
throughtheroughwatertowardthesandybeach.Ibitbackmylaughterandfollowedher.Ididn’tdoubt
therewasajellyfish.Itwastimeforthem,butseeingherwideeyesandpanickedexpressionwasjustso
cuteitwasfunny.
Ashton
“I always knew you would be irresistible once you stopped acting like someone you’re not,” Beau
whisperedinmyearashewrappedhisarmsaroundme.
I was still panting from running through the crashing waves. I let out a breathless laugh and laid my
headbackagainsthishardchest.
“It isn’t easy hiding the bad girl inside me from the only person who knows she exists,” I replied.
Beau’sarmstightenedandhisbreathwasonmyneckasherestedhischinonmyshoulder.
“No.Ineversawabadgirl.You’renotbad,Ash.You’vejustbeenpretendingtobesomeoneelsefor
so long. Just to make your parents happy and then Sawyer happy. The girl you really are is amazing.
You’rekindyetyou’vegotspunk.You’rebrilliantbutyouneveractsuperior.You’recarefulyetyouknow
howtohavefunandyou’resoincrediblysexybutyouhaven’tgotaclue.”
It was hard to see myself the way he described me but hearing him say those things made me wish
things were different. I hadn’t held back with him at all. When I was with Beau I didn’t pretend to be
anything.Iwasjustme.Andinsteadofthebadgirlhesawsomethingdesirable.Iwantedtheworldtosee
methiswaytoobutIknewonlysomeonelikeBeauwouldfindallmyfaultsattractivequalities.
“I’mgladyouseemethatway.I’mnotsayingIagreebutitmakesmehappyknowingyoudon’tseethe
flaws.”
Beautensedbehindmeforamomentbeforehisarmsleftme.Icouldfeelhisbodyshiftawayfromme.
“What’swrong?”Iasked,turningaroundtofacehim.
Hejustshookhishead.Iwaitedforhimtospeakandafterafewminutesofsilenceheturnedhishead
tostudyme.
“WhyareyouwithSawyer?”
Thiswasn’taquestionI’dbeenpreparedfor.Ishookmyhead.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Heranhishandthroughhishair,closinghiseyesasifhewerefightingtokeepfromsayingwhatever
wasonthetipofhistongue.
“Youactlikesomeoneelsewithhim.Someoneyoubelievewouldappealtohim.Aperfectgoodgirl
whofollowsalltherules.Yetyouwanttobreakrules,Ash.Youaren’tacriminal,youjustwanttospread
yourwingsalittleandenjoylife.Butyouwanthimsomuchyou’rewillingtodenyyourselffreedomtobe
YOU,justsoyoucanhavehim.”Hestoppedtalkingbutkepthispleadinggazeonme.Ididn’twantto
hearthesethings.Theyweren’ttrue.Iwasagoodgirl.IwasthekindofagirlsomeonelikeSawyercould
love.
“Iamgood,”Imanagedtosaythroughthetightnessinmythroat.Ifeltstupidsayingthewordswhen
justlastnightI’dlostmyvirginityinthebackofhispickuptruckwhenIshould’vebeenhomemourning
my Grana’s death. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to force my thoughts of Grana away. I couldn’t think
aboutthatnow.Iwasn’tready.
“I didn’t say you were bad. You’re good, Ash. Were you not listening to me? You have this warped
senseof what goodis. Wanting tosneak out with yourboyfriend and wantingto know you’re desirable
andwantedbyyourfreakingboyfriendorleavingadamnbuggyinaparkingspotdoesn’tmakeyouabad
person.Itmakesyouahuman.”
Tearsstungmyeyes.Iwantedtobelievehim.I’dlivedwithguiltforsolongbecauseIwantedtodothe
thingsI’dbeentoldwerewrong.ButthiswasBeauVincent.Hedranktoomuchanddidthingstogirlsin
publicplacesI’dneverdoneinmylife...untilI’dstartedspendingtimewithhim.Momhadalwaystold
meLuciferwasbeautiful.
“I’dthoughttheAshIknewwascompletelygone.Imournedherforalongtime.Thenonedayinthe
lunchroomHaleykeptcominguptoSawyerandflirtingwithhimrightinfrontofyouasifyouweren’t
there.Whensheturnedtowalkawayyoutrippedher.Sawyerdidn’tseeit,butIdid.”Agrintuggedonthe
cornerofhismouth.“Whenshe’dbeensplayedoutthereonthefloorIsawthelittlesmirktouchyourlips
beforeyoubentdowntohelpherup,apologizingprofusely.UntilthatmomentI’dthoughtyouwerelost.I
realizedmyAshwasunderallthepolishandpolitenesssomewhere.AfterthatdayIstartedwatchingyou
and enjoying the moments I got a glimpse of the real you slipping out while no one else was paying
attention.It’swhyIsaidthethingstoyouIdid.Iwantedyoutoreacttome.Iwantedyoutosmartoffat
me.Thosemomentswhenyoucouldn’ttakeitanymoreandsnapped...Ilivedforthosemoments.”
“Youweremeantomebecauseyouwantedmetosmartofftoyou?”Iasked.
Henoddedhisheadthenbentdowntokissthetipofmynose.
“Youreallylikemyuglysidedon’tyou,Beau?”
“Nothingaboutyouisugly.You’rejustasbeautifulinsideasyouareout,butyoudon’tseeit.That’s
what kills me. Sawyer’s my cousin and I’d do anything for him. But he’s insane for keeping you up on
some damn pedestal. I want the real you. The one that likes shimming out of a pair of shorts knowing
you’re driving me wild. The one who runs through the woods to my truck, smiling like nothing else
matters.”Hecuppedmyfacewithhishand.“TherealAshtonGrayisperfectandI’mcrazyinlovewith
her.”
Mygutclenched.IhadfeelingsforBeau.Wesharedahistorytogetherandnowwehadthissummer,
butlovewasn’tsupposedtofactorintotheequation.TherewasSawyerstandingbetweenus.
Beau’slipsfoundmineandeverythingelsefellaway.Ididn’tcareaboutalltheworriesandarguments
inthebackofmyhead.Ijustwantedtobeme.Inhisarms,IknewIcouldbe.
Chapter9
Everyoneinthetownsomehowmanagedtopackthemselvesintothechurchinordertopaytheirrespects
to my Grana. I hadn’t been able to talk myself into going up and looking at her lying there all still and
pale.Theywouldn’thavedonehermake-upright.Shewasamake-upexpertandalwayshadherselffixed
uppretty.I’dlikedknowingIhadtheprettiestseventy-year-oldGranaintheworld.WhenMomandDad
hadn’t wanted me to start wearing make-up yet, even after my begging and pleading with them, Grana
spiritedmeofftostaytheweekendwithhersoshecouldteachmethetechniqueof‘puttingyourfaceon’
asshecalledit.
AnotherteartrickleddownmycheekandIreacheduptocatchitwiththeKleenexsomeonehadhanded
meearlier.SomanytimesI’dstoodonthethirdrowwithGranawhileDadpreached.We’dwritenotes
backandforthuntilMomwouldcuthereyesoveratuswithasharpwarningglare.Italwaysmadeus
giggle.Granawouldactlikewewereputtingthepaperaway.Inrealityshe’djustgetsneakier.Granawas
alotlikeBeauinthefactsheembracedthebadgirlinsideme.ThinkingofBeaucausedanotherlumpto
forminmythroat.Iwasstartingtodependonhimsomuch.Sawyerwouldbehomesoonandeverything
wouldchange.
ThinkingabouthowI’dletmyownselfishdesirescomeinbetweenBeauandSawyermadetheguiltin
mystomachthicken.Beaumadeeverythingfeelbetter.Icravedhim.Andwithoutquestionhegaveinto
me.Hesaidhelovedme.Hewasn’tsupposedtoloveme.Icouldn’tcomebetweenSawyerandBeau.
Endingthiswastheonlywaytokeepfromhurtingeveryone.
“Hey.”Beau’sdeepvoicestartledmeandIliftedmyheadtofindhimstandinginfrontofme.Ihadn’t
expected him to come tonight. Besides the fact he never stepped foot in the church except on Easter
SundayandChristmasEve,Ifiguredhewouldspendhisnightfreeofmewithfriends...orNicole.
“Hi,”Irepliedinahoarsewhisper.“Ididn’texpectyouto...”Istoppedmyselffromsayingmore.
Heraisedbothblondeeyebrowsthentiltedhisheadslightlytotheleftashefrownedatme.Inoticed
his short blonde hair that normally had the messy sexy look was neatly brushed. My eyes drifted down
overhisbroadshouldersandchest,takinginthepalebluebutton-updressshirtIwaspositivehe’dnever
wornuntiltonight.TheshirtwastuckedintoapairoftanslacksI’dalsoneverseenhimwear.WhenI
liftedmyeyesbackuptomeethisIsmiledforthefirsttimeinhours,enjoyinghisobviousdiscomfort.
“Youdressedup,”Isaidquietly,notwantingtoattractattentiontous.Heshruggedandglancedaround
asifseeinghowmanymorepeoplenoticedhisattemptatcleaningup.Whenhiseyessettledbackonme
heleanedcloser.
“Haveyougoneuptoseeher?”Hissoftwhispercausedtearstospringbackintomyeyes.Ishookmy
headandtookadeepbreathtokeepfrombreakingdownandhurlingmyselfintohisarmsforcomfortin
frontofthewholetown.Hiswarmhandcoveredmineandhesteppedclosertomeashelacedourfingers
throughtogether.Confused,Iquicklyglancedaroundthechurchthistimetoseewhowaswatchingus.
“Comeon,Ash.You’llregretnotgoingtoseeheronelasttime.Youneedtodothisforclosure.Trust
me.”Therewasasadnessinhiseyesashestareddownatmepleadingly.“Ididn’tgoseemydad.Iregret
that.Eventothisday.”
Hisadmissioncausedtheacheinmychesttothrobharder,notjustformeandmylossbutforthelittle
boywhohadlostsomuch.Somehowheneededmetodothis.Ilethimgentlypullmeuptheaisletoward
theopencasketholdingthewomanI’dalwaysdependedontobetherenomatterwhat.We’dtalkedabout
my wedding and how she would fix my hair and make-up. We’d planned the colors of the bridesmaid
dresses and the bouquets of flowers she would arrange. We’d talked about her making the christening
gownformychildrentowearthedaytheywerededicatedinthischurch.Somanyplansweremade.So
manydreamswerecastsittingonherfrontporchdrinkingsweetteaandeatingsugarcookies.
Thecasketwasalovelymarblewhitewithpinklining.Shewouldhavelovedit.Shelovedpink.The
massivesprayofwhiteandpinkrosesthatlayoverthebottomhalfofthecasketwouldhavedelighted
her. Those rose bushes she babied and cooed over every spring and summer had been one of her life’s
joys. I wanted to thank everyone who had sent her the large flower bouquets lining the church walls,
especiallytheoneswithroses.
Awarmtricklefellfrommychinandsplashedagainstmyhand.Ireachedupwithmyfreehandand
wipedatmyface,butitwaspointless.Tearswerestreamingdownmycheeksnow.Ihadn’tevenrealized
Iwascrying.
“Iwon’tleaveyoubutyouneedtogoonupandsayyourgoodbyes.I’llstandrightherebehindyou,”
Beauwhisperedfrombesideme.
Since I’d walked into those familiar double doors tonight I’d had a tight knot in my chest, making it
hardtobreathedeeply.Now,asIstoodheregettingreadytosaygoodbyetothewomanIlovedsodearly,
apeacesettledoverme.IreleasedthetightgripIhadonBeau’shandandsteppedforward.
Shewassmiling.Iwasgladshewassmiling.Shesmiledalot.They’dusedhermake-up.I’dknowthat
colorofriperaspberrylipstickanywhere.Thesmellofroseswasthick,remindingmeevenmoreofthe
afternoonswe’dsatoutsideherhousetalking.
“Theydressedyouinyourfavoritedress,”IwhisperedasIstareddownatherstillbody.“Andthey
used your make-up. Although you do a better job putting it on. The eye shadow is a little too dark.
Whoeverputitonapparentlydoesn’tknowaboutthelessismorerule.”
It was odd talking to her like this. She would have chuckled at the make-up comment. We’d have
concoctedaschemetogivethemorguebeauticiansorwhoeverputmake-upontherecentlydeceaseda
lessonintheartof‘puttingonyourface’.Thecornersofmymouthlifted.
“Rememberwhenwetalkedabouthowwehopedwegottohangaroundearthlongenoughtobeatour
own funerals? Well, in case you convinced God of this idea and you’re here somewhere listening,” I
pausedandswallowedthesobthreateningtoescape,“ifyou’rehere...Iloveyou.Imissyou.I’mgoing
tothinkofyoueveryday,andallthoseplanswehad,I’mgoingtokeepthem.Justpromiseyou’llbethere.
Promiseyou’llconvincethebigguytoletyoucomebackdowntovisit.”
This time a sob made it past my lips. I covered my mouth and dropped my head as the memories
washed over me. Knowing this was the last time I’d ever see her again tore through my chest. A
comfortingarmwrappedaroundmeandpulledmeupagainsthishardchest.Beaudidn’tsayanythingto
comfortme.HejustletmegetthislastgoodbyeouttheonlywayIknewhow.Whenthetearssubsided
andtheacheinmychestseemedtoeaseIliftedmyheadtostareupathim.
“I’mafirmbelieverGoddoesn’tsnatchyourightupandhaulyouofftoheaven.Ithinkheletsyousay
yourgoodbyes.AndyourGranawouldn’thavegoneanywhereuntilshegotthisgoodbyein.”Iletouta
smalllaughandnodded.Hewasrightofcourse.EvenGodcouldn’thavemovedherifshewasn’tready.
“Bye,Grana,”Iwhisperedonelasttime.
“Youready?”Beauasked,lacinghisfingersthroughmine.
Iturnedandwalkedbackdowntheaislewhilenoddingandspeakingtootherswhoweremakingtheir
waytopaytheircondolences.Beaustoodquietlyandpatientlybesideme.Inoticedseveralpeopleflick
theirgazecuriouslyupatthetown’sblacksheepstationedbesideme.Thiswouldbeallovertownbefore
thenightwasover.Somehowthatdidn’tmatterrightnow.Beauhadbeenmyfriendsincehe’dpulledmy
hair on the playground and I in return grabbed his hand and twisted his arm behind his back. After the
preschoolteachercorrectedusbothandthreatenedtocallourparentsBeauhadlookedoveratmeand
asked,“Wanttositbymeandmycousinatlunch?”
Theycouldalltalk.BeauhadcometomyrescuewhenIneededitthemost.Hemightnotbetheperfect
citizen but Grana always said perfect was boring. She would love that I’d snubbed my nose at the
gossipingbettiesatherfuneral.Iglancedbackovermyshoulder,smiling.ShewasheresomewhereandI
couldalmosthearherlaughterasIwalkedoutofthechurchholdingBeau’shand.
Beau
“I don’t know that they will ever recover from that,” I said as I held open my truck door and helped
Ashtoninside.
“What?”sheasked,frowningdownatme.
Did she really not know what I was referring to or was she trying to act like it was no big deal?
Becauseitwasabigdeal.MyshowinguptonightwasastepI’dtakenknowingSawyerwouldfindout
aboutit.Ihadn’tcaredabouttherepercussions.Ijustcouldn’tstandtheideaofAshtonhavingnoonebut
peoplewhohadnoideawhatshewasgoingthroughorfeelingsurroundher.Shehadneededme.
“They’lltalk,Ash,”Isaidcarefully,waitingtoseeifshe’djustbeensobrokenoverherGranathatshe
hadn’tthoughtaboutthestatementwehadmadewalkingoutofthechurchtogether.
Sheshruggedhershoulders.“So.That’swhattheydo,Beau.Theytalk.They’llgetoverit.”
DamnifIdidn’twanttocrawlinandpressherbackagainstthewornleatherseatsandkissheruntil
wewerebothbeggingformore.ButevenIdidn’tdoitinthechurchparkinglot.ClosingthetruckdoorI
mademywayaroundthefrontofthetruckandclimbedinside.
Ididn’taskifshewantedtogohome.Iwastakinghertomyplaceinstead.Momwasworkingtonight
andIwantedAshinmyroom.Iwantedtoseeherinmyspace.Knowwhatthatfeltlike.Smellherclose
evenaftershe’sgone.
Ashtonscootedoveruntilshewasupagainstmyside.“Wherewegoing?”
“Doesitmatter?”Iaskedinsteadofansweringher.
Sheletoutasmall,sadsigh.“No.Notreally.JustsoI’mwithyou.”
Mychestthumpedagainstmychestandthepossessivebeastinsidemeroaredwithpleasure.Shewas
mine,dammit.Ihadtofixthis.Icouldn’tgiveherbacktoSawyer.
“Iwanttoseeyouinmyroom.Iwantmypillowstosmelllikeyou.Iwanttohavetheimageofyou
layingbackonmybedimprintedinmymemory.”
Ashtontiltedherheadbacktolookupatme.Iglanceddownatherbiggreeneyesbeforelookingback
attheroad.“Whendidyougetallsweetandcharming?”
SinceI’dbeenburieddeepinsidetheonlygirlI’deverloved.Ididn’ttellherthatthough.Shewasn’t
ready for me to repeat my feelings again. She’d frozen up on me the last time I’d told her how I felt.
“Don’ttellmeyouarejustnowfiguringouthowcharmingIam?”
Shesnickeredandpressedhermouthagainstmyarmtokeepfromlaughinglouder.Ilovedhearingher
laugh. Especially after seeing her fall apart and listening to her weep earlier. That had torn me apart. I
didn’twanthersad.Ididn’twanthertohavetofeelanypain.Ijustwantedtoprotectherfromeverything.
IknewitsoundedridiculousbutIcouldn’thelpthewayIfelt.
PullingmytruckinbetweentheoaktreesthatledintothetrailerparkwhereI’dlivedmyentirelife,I
leaneddownandkissedthetopofAshton’shead.Thiswasthewayitshouldhavebeenallalong.Ashton
besideme.Itwasmeanttobethisway.
“Sowhatarewegoingtodoinyourroom?”Ashtonasked.
IopenedthedoorandslippedmyhandoverherthighandpulledhertomeasImovedtogetout.
“Monopoly?”Irepliedwithasmirk.
Ashton put her hands on my shoulders and I pulled her against me and lowered her to the ground. “I
stinkatMonopoly.Youknowthat.”
ShesuckedatMonopolywasmorelikeit.Sawyeralwaysletherbeathimwhenwe’dplayedaskids.
Notme.Ialwaystookeverydollarshehad.Ashtondidn’tlikethingstobeeasy.Shelikedthechallenge.I
recognizedthatevenbackthen.
“Yeah,youdo,”Iagreedandputmyhandonthesmallofherback,directinghertothefrontdoor.“We
couldplaystrippoker.”
Ashtonlaughedandshookherhead.“Youalwaysbeatmeatthattoo.Well,pokeratleast.I’llbenaked
inlessthanfifteenminutes.”
“Okay,yousoldme.We’replayingstrippoker,”Iinterrupted.
“Ifyouwantmenakedyoudon’thavetobeatmeatcards,”sherepliedteasingly.
Hell,yeah.Thatwasmygirl.“Deal.Strip,”IdemandedasIclosedthedoorbehindus.
Ashtonthrewherheadbackandlaughed.Thesadnesslurkinginhereyeswasgonenow.That’swhat
I’dwantedtoaccomplish.Well,Iwantedhernakedtoo,butithadn’tbeenmytoppriority.Thatcamein
second.
“CanIhaveadrinkfirst?”Ashtonasked,runningahandupmychest.
“Iguessifthat’swhatyoureallywant,”Ireplied,loweringmymouthtodropkissesalongherjawline
beforenuzzlingthesoftskinbehindherear.
Ashton’s hands slipped behind my neck and she arched against me. We might not make it to my
bedroomifshekeptthisup.
“Ichangedmymind,”Ashtonwhispered,beforeslippingherhanddowntomyjeansandtuggingonthe
button.
“Yousure?”Iasked,nippingatherearlobe.
Sheshiveredinmyarmsandnodded.
Thiscouldneverbewrong.Itfelttooright.
“Iwanttheseoff,”shewhisperedassheunfastenedmyjeansandstartedtuggingthemdown.Iwanted
themofftoo,butnotinmylivingroom.Iwantedherbackinmybedroom.Onmysheets.Sowhenshewas
goneIcouldsmellher.
“Tomyroom,”IrepliedasIkissedatraildownherneck.Thesmallshiverthatranthroughheronly
excitedmemore.IreacheddownandgrabbedthehemofhershortdressandpulleditupsoIcouldcup
herass.Bothsoftcheekswerebare.IfrozeandstareddownatherwhileIslippedmyhanddownand
foundthethinstrap.
“Holy shit, baby. You’re wearing a g-string?” I needed her dress off now. The sweet little pastor’s
daughterwasnaughtyashell,andIlovedeveryinchofher.
Ashton only nodded and pressed her lips together in an attempt to hide her amused smile. She loved
knowingthatshecoulddrivemecrazy.
“Off.Iwantthisdressoff,”Idemanded.Ididn’twaitforhertohelpme.Ifoundthezipperandslidit
downtothecurveofherhipsthenpusheditoffhershoulders.TheforgottenfabricfelltothefloorasI
stoodtakinginthesightofAshtoninablacklacebraandmatchingbarely-therepanties.Ididn’tseethe
pointinwearingpantiesthatcoveredsoverylittlebutIwasn’tcomplaining.Theyweredoingverygood
thingsformyimagination.
“I’m sorry, baby, but I can’t make it to my room,” I apologized as I picked her up and pressed her
againstthewallinthehallway.
Chapter10
Ashton
Ashton,
You haven’t written me back so either this means my email never got through, which is believable
withtheunreliableinternetaccesshere,orsomethingiswrong.ItriedcallingseveraltimesbutIcan’t
seemtogetanysignaloutherenomatterwhereIam.
I’vegotgoodnewsandbadnews.BadnewsisCatherinehadanallergicreactiontosomeunknown
plantandshebrokeoutinhivesandDadhadtorushhertothenearesttown.Hejustgotbackanhour
agoandshe’sgoingtobefine,butMomisreadytogohome.
Thatleadsmetothegoodnews.I’mcominghome.WearepackingasIwritethisandassoonasI’m
in cell phone reception range I’m going to call you. Keep your phone on you. I need to hear your
voice.Also,callBeauformeandtellhimI’mcominghome.HeandIcanhittheweightroomaweek
early to get ready for football practice. Also tell him to lay off the beer. I need my best receiver in
shape.
Loveya,
Sawyer
Istaredatthescreenonmylaptopforalongtime.Iwasn’tsurewhattodo.Whototell.Wheretogo.
SlowlyIclosedthecomputerandshoveditoffmylapontothebed.I’dwokeupknowingIwasgoingto
have to deal with my parents’ questions this morning about my leaving with Beau from the church last
night.ItwassomethingIdreaded,butthiswasmuchworse.ThescreenonmyphonelitupbeforeEyeof
theTigerbegantoplayforthefirsttimeinthreeweeks.SawyerhadputEyeoftheTigeronmyphoneto
behisspecialring.NumblyIreachedforitandpressedtheacceptbuttonbeforeliftingittomyear.
“Hello.”
“AHHH,man,baby,isitgoodtohearyourvoice!Didyougetmyemail?IwaiteduntilIthoughtyou
mightbeawaketocall.We’reabouttwohoursaway.I’mhavingDaddropmeoffatyourhouse.Ican’t
waittoseeyou.”
Guilt, frustration, anger, panic all seemed to whirl around inside me at once. My grip on the phone
tightenedasItookseveraldeepbreaths.
“Um, hey, yeah, I just got your email. I can’t believe y’all are coming home early.” The lack of
enthusiasminmyvoicewasunmistakable.AsecondofsilencetickedbyandIknewSawyer’sbrainwas
workingovertime.
“Did you just wake up? You don’t sound real happy about my coming home. I expected squeals of
delightorsomething.”
Perfect,make him suspiciousbefore he evengets here. I neededto fix this.I couldn’t come between
BeauandSawyer.They’dbeenascloseasbrothersalltheirlife.I’dneverbeabletoforgivemyselfifI
causedariftbetweenthem.ThefactIwasworriedaboutBeauandSawyer’srelationshipinsteadofmine
andSawyer’ssurprisedme.
“Sorry,I’mthrilled.Ijustwokeup.LastnightwasGrana’sviewingandherfuneralisthisafternoon.
It’sbeenaroughfewdays.”
“What? Ash, baby. Your Grana passed away? Oh baby, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?” I’d
forgottenhedidn’tknow.TheemailIneverwrotehimflashedinmymemory.Insteadoftellinghimabout
GranaI’druntoBeau.WouldanyofthishavehappenedifI’djustemailedSawyerandgonewithMomto
dealwithfuneralarrangementsthatday?DidIwishthingshadhappeneddifferently?
“Itwasn’tsomethingIwantedtowriteinanemail,”Iexplained,hopingheunderstoodoratthevery
leastacceptedmyexcuse.
“I’mcominghome.I’llrushtothehouseandchangebeforeIcomeoversoIwon’thavetoleavebefore
thefuneral.Icandriveyouthere.It’sgoingtobeokay.I’llbetheresoon.Ipromise.”
HowwouldhefeelifItoldhimthingswereokay?Beauhadhelpedmesaymygoodbyealready.Beau
hadheldmewhileIcried.Mytearsweredriedupnow.IknewmyGranawashappywiththosefancy
streetsofgoldandafabulousmansion.ShealwayssaidGodwouldhaveherabigol’rosegardenshe
couldtendtoupthere.
“Ash,youokay?”
“I’msorry,Iwasthinkingaboutthefuneral.I’llseeyouwhenyougethere.”
“Okay.Iloveyou.”Thosewerethewordswealwayssaidwhenwehungupthephone.NormallyIwas
theonewhosaidthemfirst.ThistimeI’dcompletelyforgotten.
“Loveyoutoo,”Ireplieddutifullybeforehangingup.
Ididlovehim.Ialwayshad,justnotthewayIshould.DeepdownI’dalwaysknownsomethingwas
wrong between us. Until these last few weeks with Beau I hadn’t really been able to put my finger on
whatwasmissinginourrelationship.WithBeau,Icouldbemeandhelovedme.SawyerlovedthemeI
workedveryhardtobe.IfSawyerknewtherealme,thegirlhethoughtI’dleftbehindwithmychildhood,
he’dneverloveme.Hecouldn’t.ButIcouldn’tbewithBeau.IcouldneverchoosehimoverSawyer.It
wouldripapartalifelongfriendship.SawyerhadbeentheonetotakecareofBeauasakid.Helooked
outforhimandsharedhiswealthwithhim.EvennowSawyerguardedBeaufromsomanythings.Just
last year the coach was going to kick Beau off the football team for showing up to practice with a
hangover.SawyerhadbeggedthecoachandpromisedtopersonallymakesureBeauwalkedthestraight
andnarrowonpracticeandgamedays.BeauneededSawyer.Icouldn’tgetbetweenthem.
IthrewthepillowI’dbeensqueezinginmyarmsacrosstheroomandgrowledinfrustration.Thiswas
ridiculous.Iwasridiculous.HowcouldIhaveletmyselfdothis?WhathadIbeenthinking?I’dletmyself
caretoomuchaboutBeauVincent.Ididn’tjustcareabouthim,Iwantedhim.Itwastheworstthinginthe
world I could’ve done. Having him meant ripping away the only family he cared about. I’d have the
whole town talking about him and hating him for stealing Sawyer’s girl. It was impossible. The whole
stupidsituation.
“Honey,areyouawake?”Dad’svoicecalledfromtheothersideofmycloseddoor.Iletoutasigh.
ThiswasthetalkI’dbeendreading.Thepointlesstalk.Theonehedidn’tevenhavetowastehisbreath
on.
“Yeah,Dad,comein,”Ireplied.
MydooropenedandtherehestoodwiththesmallfrownonhisfaceIrarelysawdirectedatme.He
walkedinsideandstoppedattheendofmybed.HisarmswerecrossedoverhischestandIcouldsmell
hisaftershave.Thesamekindhe’dbeenwearingallmylife.
“What exactly happened last night?” He was direct and to the point. I had to give him that. I sat up
straight on my bed and stared right back at him. I needed to cover this all up. Smooth it over. Beau’s
acceptanceinthistownandrelationshipwithSawyerdependedonit.
“Itakeityou’rereferringtoBeauVincent?”AsifIhadtoaskthis.Dad’seyebrowsshotupasifhe
thoughtImightbelosingmymindtoeventhinkhecouldbereferringtosomethingelse.
“Yes,Ashton,Iam.”
Isighed,shookmyheadandeventhrewinaneyerollfordramaticeffect.“Beau’smyfriend.Wegrew
uptogether.He’smyboyfriend’scousinandbestfriend.Sawyerwasn’thereandIwasdealingwithone
ofthehardestthingsinmylifeandBeaushoweduptostepinandhelpme.HelovesSawyerandknewit
waswhatSawyerwould’vewantedhimtodo.Besides,BeauknowshowcloseIwastoGrana.Heused
to sit on her porch and eat her cookies with me. Remember back then, when the fact his mama was a
cocktailwaitressatabarwasn’tanissue.”
Thebitternessinmyvoicewasunavoidable.Dad’seyebrowssnappedtogether.Hedidn’tlikemytone
ofvoicebutIcouldseehewasthinkingaboutmyexcuse.Iwaitedquietly,prayinghebelievedit.After
whatfeltlikeaneternityhenoddedandletoutaheavysigh.
“I understand this has been hard on you. With Sawyer gone and your mom and I busy dealing with
funeralarrangementsandrelativescominginfromoutoftownwehaven’tbeenhereforyou.Iappreciate
thefactBeaunoticedyouneededsomeoneandsteppedin.However,BeauVincentisn’tthekindofboyI
wantyouassociatingwith.He’sSawyer’scousinandwhenSawyer’saroundthenit’sfine.ButBeauisn’t
fromgoodstock.Hisdaddywasawildcardandhismama’swhitetrash.Youcangetabadreputation
spendingtimewiththelikesofhim.Badcompanycorruptsgoodmanner.Rememberthat.”
Iwantedtostandupandyelltotherooftopsthathedidn’tknowanythingaboutBeau’sstock.Itdidn’t
matterwhohisparentswere.Blamingthechildfortheparents’sinswaswrong.Didn’ttheBibleheread
dailydiscussjudgingpeopleandforgiveness?IbitdownonmytongueuntilItastedbloodinanattemptto
keepfromscreamingoutinfrustration.
“Whocalledyousoearly?”Dadasked,eyeingmyphonethrowndownbesidemypillow.
“Sawyer,”Isaid.Obviousreliefwashedoverhisface.HereallyneededtogetoutofherebeforeIlost
it.
“Really?How’shedoing?”
“He’sonhiswayhome.He’llbehereintimeforthefuneral.”
Dadsmiledbrightly,makingasickknotforminmystomach.
“Well,good,good.I’mgladhe’scominghomeforyourGrana’sfuneral.He’ssuchagoodboy.”
WithhispleasedlookDadturnedandlefttheroom,closingmydoorbehindhim.Iglaredattheclosed
doorthewayIwishIcouldhaveglaredathim.
This was exactly why I couldn’t allow my feelings to completely screw up Beau’s life even more. I
wasn’tgoodforhim.IfIchoseBeauthenhe’dloseSawyer.Heneededfamily.Icouldn’tfillthatvoidfor
him.MyheartachedinmychestbecauseIknewwhatIhadtodo.IalsoknewhurtingBeauinorderto
savehimwasgoingtokillme.I’ddonethis.I’dmessedeverythingupbecauseIhadn’tbeenabletostay
awayfromhim.NowitwastimeIfixedit.
I pulled the car onto the gravel driveway before cutting the ignition. Beau’s truck was the only vehicle
parked outside of his trailer. His mother wasn’t here. That was the only good thing about this visit. I
neededtodothisalone.Sawyerwouldbeintownwithinthenextthirtyminutes.I’dhavecomesoonerbut
aftermytalkwithDadthismorningIdecideditwasbesttowaituntilheleftforthechurch.
Mychesthurt.Ipressedthepalmofmyhandagainstmyheart,tryingtoeasethepain.Therehadtobea
limit to the amount of heartbreak one person could suffer in a week. Surely God could see I’d met my
limit?Ineededamiracle.AbitterlaughbubbledupinsidemeatthethoughtofGodhelpingmewiththis
situation. God didn’t help girls get the bad boys. But Beau wasn’t bad inside. Not really. He acted the
onlywayheknewhow.Hewasraisedbyawaitressatabarwhojumpedfromoneman’sbedtoanother
regardless of his marital status. No one had tried to teach Beau the right way to act. Inside he was a
wonderful person. He was caring, sensitive, funny, patient, and understanding. He was accepting.
SomethingnooneinmylifehadeverbeenotherthanmyGrana.
ThedooronthetrailerswungopenandBeausteppedoutontothetopstepandstaredatme.Theonly
thingonhisbodywasapairoflow-ridingjeans.Evenhisfeetwerebare.Iswallowedthetearsinmy
throat.IcameheretoendthisanditfeltlikemyheartwasbeingrippedoutofmybodybeforeI’deven
said a word. As if in slow motion, I reached for the door handle of my car and stepped out onto the
gravel.OureyesmetasIclosedthedoor.
Afrownreplacedthesexysmileofhisface.Hecouldreadmesowell.He’dalwaysknownwhatIwas
thinking.WhenwewerekidsIneverhadtotellhimwhenIwasupset.Heknewitandhewastryingtofix
it before Sawyer had a clue my fragile female feelings had been injured. He didn’t move. Instead he
watchedmeasIputonefootinfrontoftheother,wishingmorethananythingintheworldIdidn’thaveto
dothis.JustthisonceIwantedtobeselfishandtakewhatIwanted.Forgetabouttherepercussionsand
throw myself into Beau’s arms. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to kiss his face right here,
standinginfrontofhistrailerforanyonewhohadtheirnosespressedtotheirwindowstosee.Iwantedto
claim Beau as mine but I couldn’t do any of those things. Our fairy tale would never work. He’d lose
Sawyer. The town would hate him instead of just mumble about him turning out just like his dad. My
fatherwouldneveraccepthim.I’dprobablybelockedinmyroomorsentofftoanallgirls’school.No
onewouldallowthis.Icouldn’tletBeauknowwhy.Hewasbraverthanme.Hewouldfightforme.He
wouldlosewhatlittlehehadinthisstupidtownformeandfornothing.Myparentswouldneverletit
happen.Ihadtolethimgo.WhatIwantedwasn’timportant.Beau’sfuturewas.
“Somethingtellsmethisisn’tthekindofvisitI’dbeenhopingforwhenIsawthatlittlewhitecarpull
up.”Hisvoicesoundedtight.
Ifoughttokeepthetearsstingingthebackofmyeyesfromrollingdownmyface.Ihadtodothis.It
wasforthebest.Beau’sbest.
“He’scominghometoday,”Isaidthroughthethicknessinmythroat.
Beau stepped back and motioned me to step inside. I dropped my gaze from his and walked into his
trailerforthesecondandlasttime.I’dneverbeabletocomeback.NotwithSawyer.Iwouldn’tbeable
toforgetthebreakfastwe’dsharedoverhiskitchentable.Thelaughterandthewayhisjawworkedwhen
hechewed.I’dbeenfascinatedwatchinghimeatthatmorning.Thenlastnight.I’dneverbeabletoforget
last night and the things we’d done in this room. In his bedroom. In the hallway. Oh God, how was I
supposedtolethimgo?
The door closed behind me and I stood staring at the table. A box of opened cereal sat by an empty
bowl.Beau’sarmsslippedaroundmywaist.IknewIshouldstepawaybutIcouldn’tmakemyself.This
washome.BeinginhisarmslikethiswaswhereIfoundpeace.Knowingthiswasthelasttimehewould
evertouchmemadethemomentbittersweet.Iinhaleddeeply,soakinginhissmell,hiswarmth,thefeelof
hishandsagainstmystomach.
“Weknewthisdaywascoming.It’sjustsoonerthanexpected.I’vebeenthinkingaboutitandIwant
youtoletmetalktohim.IthinkIcan.”
“No,”Isaid,stoppinghim.Ihadtosaysomethingbeforehesaidtoomuch.Hisplanningwaspointless.
Therewasnothingtoplan.
Heturnedmearoundtofacehimthenslippedhishandsintomyhair.Iwatchedhelplesslyashishead
lowered until his lips touched mine. I knew I needed to stop him but all I could do was kiss him back
greedily.Thesoftrumblingmoaninhischestmademykneesweak.ClosingmyeyestightlyIpushedaway
fromhim.
“Ican’tbewithyou,Beau.”Ididn’topenmyeyes.SeeinghisfaceasIsaidthewordsIknewhadtobe
saidwouldkillme.Hedidn’tspeakorreachouttotouchme.Iknewhewaswaitingonmetofinish.I
tookashakybreath.“IloveSawyer.Ican’thurthim.I’msorry.”TherewassomuchmoreIwantedtosay.
SomanythingsI’dpractisedonthewayoverherebutthelumpinmythroatwasfightingagainstme.
“Okay,”herepliedinalmostawhisper.
SlowlyIliftedmyheadandopenedmyeyestoseehisface.“Okay”wasn’texactlywhatI’dexpected
fromhim.MybreathcaughtasItookinhisexpression.Hedidn’tlookhurt.Hedidn’tevenappearupset.
Instead he looked . . . bored. I was fighting off the need to cry all over myself and he was completely
unfazed.Insteadofrelief,myheartshattered.
Could it all have meant so little to him? He’d said he loved me. Why would he lie about that? I
watchedashepulledhisphoneoutofhispocketandstartedtextingsomeone.Iwantedtoscreamathimto
showsomeemotion.Toshowmehecaredforme.Thatthiswashardforhimtoo.I’dthoughthewould
fightforme.
Hishazeleyesliftedtoglanceupatme.“Ineedtomakeacall.Ifthat’sallyouneeded.”Henoddedhis
headtowardthedoorasifaskingmetoleave.NumblyIwalkedpasthimwithoutaword.Hedidn’teven
saygoodbye.
Chapter11
Beau
ThemomentIheardAshton’scarcrank,Ithrewthephoneinmyhandagainstthewall.Itfelltothefloor
inpieces.Iknewhowitfelt.Shattered.Broken.Destroyed.I’dbeensosureshelovedme.Eventhough
she’d never uttered the words, I’d been so damn sure she wanted me, not my perfect, polished cousin.
NeverbeforeinmylifehadIhatedSawyer,butrightnow,Ihatedhim.Ihatedhimfortakingher.Ihated
himforcontrollingher.Ihatedhimbecausehehadherlove.
A roar filled the room and I barely recognized the angry snarl coming from my mouth. I wouldn’t be
abletostayhere.HowcouldIwatchthem?HowcouldIgotoschoolandseehimtouchher?Holdher
hand?OhGod,kisshermouth!Didshecareshe’djustdestroyedme?Hadthisallbeenalittlegameto
her?Passthetimewiththebadboywhiletheprinceisaway?
DAMMIT,ASH.
Mymangledcellphonebeganringing.Panickeditcouldbeher,thatshecould’vechangedhermind,I
ranovertoitandfumbledwiththebattery,holdingitinplacewhileIpressedtheacceptbuttonseveral
timesbeforeitworked.Thescreenwasblack.
“Hello.”
“Guesswho’shomeearlyandreadytogetyourlazyassinthegympumpingweightsfirstthinginthe
morning?”Sawyer’schippervoicecameoverthelineandIfoughttheinstincttothrowthephoneagainst
thewallagain.WhatdidIsaytohim?HowdidIbegintoactlikeIwashappyhewashome?
“Beau?Youthere?”
“Yeah,I’mhere.”
“Whatisitwitheveryone?Couldsomeoneacthappyaboutmecominghomeearly?”
Itampereddownthesmallrayofhopetryingtobreakintomythoughts.Surelyhedidn’tmeanAshton.
“I’msureyour...Ashishappyyou’reback,”Isaid.IwonderedifhenoticedI’dstoppedmyselffrom
callingherhisgirlfriend.Iwasn’tabletoacceptthatanymore.Heletoutafrustratedsigh.
“No,sheseemeddistracted.IjustfoundoutaboutherGrana.Man,IhateIwasn’there.Iguessshe’s
upsetaboutthatandI’mbeingselfishwishingshe’dactedhappyaboutseeingme.Haveyouseenher?Is
shedoingokay?”
Ihadtobecareful.She’dmadeherdecision.Didn’tmeanIcouldn’tchangehermindbutIhadtobe
careful.Ihadtoprotecther.
“She’supset.We’vebumpedintoeachothersome.ShehelpedmeandNicoleoutonenightwhenI’d
hadtoomuchtodrink.Gaveusaridehome.Ialsowenttothechurchlastnighttopaymyrespectsandall.
IrememberherGrana.Shewasgoodtome.”
Sawyersighed.“Thanks,man.Iappreciateyougoing.IknowitmeantalottoAsh.”Islammedmyfist
againstthewall.Ididn’tneedhimtothankme.Ihadn’tdoneitforhim.
“Well,I’llseeyaatthefuneralthen?”
No,Iwasn’treadytoseethemtogether.WatchingSawyertouchhermightsendmeintoablindrageat
herGrana’sfuneral.
“Igotsomestufftodo.Iwentlastnightbutyou’rebackandIdidmyduty.”
“Okay.Well,thanksagain.I’mnotkiddingabouttheweightroomtomorrowmorning.Ineedtogetyour
beergutinshape.”
“Sure,seeyathen.”
I dropped the broken pieces of my phone onto the coffee table. I needed to make a plan. I needed to
thinkaboutthis.HadIscrewedupbylettinghergo?Hadshewantedmetostopher?AshtonGraywas
goingtodrivememad.
Ashton
“YoutoldSawyerhewaswelcometocomeeatwithustonight,didn’tyou?”
Dadstoodatthedoorofmybedroom.I’dcomehomefromthefuneralandwentstraighttotheshower
soIcouldcryinprivate.Oncethewaterrancold,I’ddriedupmytearsandforcedmyselftogetagrip.
WhatwouldGranahavetoldmetodo?Wouldshehavetoldmetogowithmyheart?Orwouldshehave
seen the wisdom in my decision? I thought back to the way Beau had reacted to my words. What had I
expected him to do? Fall at my feet in tears? I should be happy he’d handled it so well. I didn’t have
hurtinghimtoaddtomyguilt.
“Yes.He’llbehereatsix.”Isatupfrommyreclinedpositiononmybed.Dadseemedpleasedwith
thatanswer.
“You’vebeensoclosedofffromtheworldthissummer.I’mreallyrelievedSawyer’shome.”
I forced a smile so Dad wouldn’t guess anything was amiss. He walked away and closed my door
behindhim.Ilaidbackonthebedandstaredattheceiling,wonderinghowIwasgoingtofaceSawyer
withtheguiltofwhatI’ddoneweighingonmesoheavily.
IlovedSawyer.Myactionsdidn’tappearasifIdid,butIdidlovehim.Theproblemwas,Iwasn’tin
lovewithhim.Ihadn’trealizedthereweredifferentkindsofloveyoucouldfeelforaboy.Sawyerwas
everythingIrespected.Hewassweetandcaring.Ineverhadtoworryhewouldleavemeorhurtme.He
wasimpossiblenottolove.Unfortunately,hehadagirlfriendwhowasabighugefake.Hedeservedto
knowwhatafakeIwas,buthowdidIgoaboutexplainingtohimIputonashowforhim,formyparents,
for the whole dang town? I couldn’t tell Sawyer anything. Word got around fast in a small town. My
motherwouldbedevastated.Mydadwouldbefurious.I’dhurtthembothandforwhat?Aguywhodidn’t
evencareenoughtorespondtomewhenIbrokethingsoffwithhim?Myhearthadbeenbreakingandhe
hadbeentextingsomeone.ProbablyNicole.ThethoughtofBeauwithNicolemademenauseous.
PickingupmyphoneforthethousandthtimesinceI’dleftBeau’s,Icheckedtoseeifhehadtextedme.
It was pointless. He wasn’t going to. I’d seen the look in his eyes. He hadn’t fought me. It didn’t make
sense.BeforeI’dpushedhimawayhewasreadytotellSawyerhimself,andheknewhowSawyerwas
goingtoreact.Hadhejustbeentryingtoeasemyguilt?HadIjustgivenhimaneasyout?Hadherealized
hewasn’treallyinlovewithmebuttheideaofme?Tearswelledupinmyeyes.Pullingmykneesupto
my chest I buried my head against them and cried silently. Nothing would ever be the same. I’d ruined
myself.Myheartwouldalwaysbelongtosomeonewhodidn’twantitandSawyerwouldbewastinghis
love on someone who didn’t deserve it. He deserved so much more than a girlfriend who wanted
someoneelse.
ThedoorbellrangandIsattherelisteningasSawyercameinsideandtalkedtomyfather.Wipingthe
tearsfrommyeyes,IheadedtothebathroomtocleanmyselfupbeforeIwentdownstairstogreethimand
pretendlikeIwasokay.
“Here,letmecleanthisup.Youhaven’tseenSawyerinweeks.Goonaheadandgo.Iknowyouwantto
spendsometimetogether.”Thiswasn’tmydad.Henormallywantedustostayrighthereunderthemorat
leastoutonthefrontporch.Rarelydidheencourageustogooffandspendtimetogether.Apparentlyhe
wasmoreworriedaboutBeauthanI’dthought.ButthenhehadreasonstobeworriedaboutBeau.Maybe
itwasparents’intuition.
Sawyerstoodupwithhisplateandcupinhand,alwaysthegentleman.Notonlydoeshecleanuphis
spotatthetable,healsoloadshisuseddishesinthesink.SamanthaVincenthadtrainedhersonwell.Or
atleastthatwaswhatMomalwayssaid.
“Thankyoubothfordinner.Itwasdelicious.”Sawyersmiledatbothmyparentsthenturnedtomeand
winked before taking his dishes to the dishwasher. He wasn’t as tall as Beau. I’d never really paid
attentiontothatbefore.Theyhadsomanysimilaritiesintheirappearancebutthentheyweresodifferent.
Sawyer’sdarkbrownhairwaslongenoughthatitbrushedhiscollarandcurledalongtheends.Hislips
weren’tasfullasBeau’sbuthisshoulderswerebroader.They’dalwaysjokedthathehadthestronger
armwhenitcametothrowingafootballbutBeauhadthestrongerarmwhenitcametothrowingapunch.
IglanceddownatMomwhowassmilingthesillyhappysmileshegetswhenSawyer’saround.Theguilt
inmychestgrew.ShewouldneversmileovermybeingwithBeau.
“Suchagoodboy,”shesaid.
Iforcedmyhundredthsmileofthenightandnodded.Sawyerwalkedupbesidemeandtookmyhand.
“I’llhaveherhomebyeleven,sir,”hesaid,lookingatmydad.
“Ohdon’tworryaboutthetime.Iknowyoutwohavealotofcatchinguptodo.”
Sawyerappearedassurprisedasme.IfIdidn’tknowbetterI’dthinkDadwaspoppingsomeofMom’s
anxietypills.
ThemomentSawyerclosedthedoortohisshinyone-year-oldDodgetruckhereachedoverandtookmy
handtopullmeupbesidehim.TherewasnostickshiftinthewayinSawyer’struck.
“God,I’vemissedyou,”hewhisperedbeforegrabbingmyfaceandkissingmesoftlyonthemouth.It
wasjustasniceasI’dremembered.Sweetandgentleandverycomfortable.Ireachedupandthreadedmy
fingersthroughhisthickhairandtriedoutsomeofmynewkissingmovesonhimtoseeifIcouldgetthe
earth-shattering sensation Beau’s kisses always produced. Sawyer made a sound that reminded me of a
growlanddroppedhishandstomywaisttopullmeclosertohim.Butstill,itjustremained...nice.
Finallyhepulledback,breathinghard,andrestedhisforeheadonmine.
“Thatwas...wow.”Ismiled,wishingIcouldagree.“IfI’dbeenforcedtostayawayfromyouanother
weekIthinkI’dhavelostit.IlovemyfamilybutIwashavingseriousAshtonwithdrawals.”Theguilt
insidetwistedcruelly.TearsstungmyeyesandIlaidmyheadonhischest.Hewasjustsogood.
“Ash, something is wrong. I could see it inside at the table. You looked so sad and your parents are
actingdifferently.”
“Losing Grana was a shock. A hard blow to all of us. I think Dad might have slipped one or two of
Mom’sanxietymedsbecauseI’llagreehe’sactingodd.ButI’mjustdealing.I’msorryI’msodepressing
andyoujustgothome.”
Hesqueezedmyshoulder.“It’sokay.Iunderstand.”
Hebackedoutofthedriveandheadedtowardhishouse.Weweregoingdowntothehole.Ididn’thave
toask.Itwassecludedandsafe.He’dprobablycallhisdadandlethimknowwewerebackthere.Justto
make sure all of his bases were covered. Parking wasn’t something we would ever be caught doing. It
wouldsullyhisreputationandwecouldn’thavethat.IcouldhearthemockingtoneinmythoughtsandI
closedmyeyestosilentlyscoldmyself.Thebadgirlmightnotgobackinhercagewithoutafightthis
time.
Thetruckjostledusaroundaswemadeourwayslowlyovertheunpavedpath.Therewasnolightoutat
thehole.Thelightsfromthetrucklitupthedirtroadanddifferentsmallanimalsscurriedoutofourway.
Oncewebrokethroughthetree-coveredpaththemoonlightshimmeredonthewaterupaheadandSawyer
cametoastop.Hishandreachedupandshutofftheenginebeforehetiltedhisheaddowntogazeatme.
“I’msorryIwasn’there,Ash.LosingyourGranalikethathadtobeawful.Areyoumadatmeforbeing
away?”NotwhatIneeded—Sawyerfeelingguiltywhenhehadabsolutelynoreasonto.Itmademefeel
likepondscum.
“OfcourseI’mnotmadatyou,Sawyer.Iwishyoucouldhavereturnedtoahappy,cheerfulgirlfriend.
Youdon’tdeservethis.”
HepattedmykneeandIstudiedhishand.Itwasn’tasbigasBeau’sorastanned.
“It’sokay.IknowtheoldAshwillshowupagainonceyoufinishmourning.”HepausedandIglanced
up at him. A small frown line appeared on his forehead. Something was bothering him. I’d known him
mostofmylifeandIknewthatlook.
“AfewoftheladiesfromchurchmentionedBeauholdingyourhandatthewake.”Heletoutaforced
chuckle.“ItbotheredthemandtheythoughtIshouldknow.”
InsteadofpanickingIgotangry.Stupidbusybodies.ThiswasexactlywhatI’dknownwouldhappen.
EveryonewouldjumpontheSawyerbandwagonandstartbad-mouthingBeau.LikeBeauneededthemto
dislikehimanymorethantheyalreadydid.Iwantedtohowlinfrustration.InsteadItookacalmingbreath
andcountedbackwardsfromteninmyhead.Everyonceinawhilethecountingthingtooktheedgeoff.
WhenIwassureIcouldrespondwithoutsoundinglividIsaidthefirstthingthatcametomymind.
“WhenwewerekidsBeauwasjustasclosetomeasyouwere.HesatonmyGrana’sporchjustas
manytimesasyoudid.HeatemyGrana’scookiesandplayedUnowithherjustlikeyou.Shewasapart
of his childhood. One of the few bright spots. He knew you were gone and he knew I would be
devastated.SohecametothechurchandaskedmeifI’dgoneuptoseeher.IadmittedIhadn’tandwasn’t
sureIcould.Hethenencouragedmetogosaymygoodbyesandsaidhe’dwalkwithme.Iguesshesaw
thefearinmyeyesandhereacheddownandtookmyhand.Thenwewalkedtogethertothefrontofthe
church.HeletmyhandgoandsteppedbackwhileIhadmylastfewmomentsofclosurewithGrana.Then
hetookmyhandandwalkedmeoutofthechurchbecause,likeyou,heknowswhenI’mabouttoloseit.
AndheknowsthelittlegirlinsideenoughtoknowIdidn’twanttobreakdowninfrontofeveryoneand
havethemhoveringaroundme.”
Wesatinsilenceforafewminutes.I’dheardtheangerinmytone.Nodoubthehadtoo.
“Remindmetothankhimforwatchingoutformygirl.Iowehimone.It’sabouttimeyoutworealized
youwerebestfriendsformostofyourlife.Ialwaysfeltalittleguiltyithadended.”
Therehewentagaintalkingabouthowhefeltguilty.Ijustwantedtogohomeandburymyselfunderthe
covers.Thiswastoomuchtodealwithrightnow.Theguilt,theanger,thefrustration,thepain—itwasall
goingtodrivemeinsane.
Chapter12
Wewalkedtowardthebonfire.I’ddecidedagainsttellingSawyeraboutRyan’sstupiddrunkenepisode
lastweek.Itwasovernowandithadn’tbeensobadafterall.OfcourseRyantouchingmewasgrossbut
I’dendedtheeveningwithBeauplayingpool.Thememoryofhimgrinningacrossthepooltableatmeas
Isetupmyshotcausedmyhearttoache.Imissedhimsomuch.
As we made our way into the clearing several people stopped Sawyer and welcomed him home.
Everyonewantedtotalkfootball.Ismiledandappearedtobewaitingpatientlywhilescanningthecrowd
forBeau.Ihadn’tseenhimsinceI’dwalkedoutofhistrailerwithoutagoodbye.Everynightsincethen
I’dlaidinmybedholdingmyphone,willinghimtocalloratleasttextme.Buthehadn’t.Theideathat
things would go back to the way they had been before terrified me. I couldn’t be with him the way I
wantedbutIdidn’twanttoloseeverything.Myangeratthewayhe’ddismissedmehaddimmed.NowI
justwantedtoseehim.Talktohim.Seehimsmileatme.
“Comeon,IseeBeauandNicoleoverthere,”Sawyersaidasheslippedhishandbehindmybackand
ledmeovertoasmallgroupoffootballplayersandtheirgirlfriends.Thegroupwassittingonthetailgate
of a few trucks and three old tractor tires they’d hauled out here years ago for seating. A small fire
crackledinthemiddleofthegroup,puttingawarmglowonalltheirfaces.
“Sawyer.Themanhasreturned,”EthanPaynesaid,grinningfromhisspotonthetailgateofhistruck.
BrookeMilerysnuggledupagainsthimandliftedahandtowiggleherbrightpinknailsatusingreeting.
They’dbrokenuplastspringbutapparentlytheywerebacktogetherorheadinginthatdirection.Herlegs
weredrapedoverhislapandhishandwastuckedsnuglybetweenherthighs.
“Cometalktous.Tellushowyou’regoingtoleadustoState,”saidTobyHorn,whoIknewplayed
cornerback because he’d intercepted a pass at the state championship game last year then ran it in by
jumpingovertwotacklesbeforemakingatouchdowntowinusthegame.Afterthegamehisstatuslevel
had risen. Which would explain why the head cheerleader, Kayla Jenkins, was sitting in his lap. She’d
beendeterminedtogetBeau’sattentionlastyear.Itappearedasifshehadmovedon.
“I’mnottheonewhonailedthewinatthelaststategame,”Sawyerremindedhimasheleanedagainst
thetruckandpulledmebackagainsthim.
“You know that’s right. I think we need to make sure coach gives our star corner some more wide
receiveraction,”Ethanpipedin.
“Agreed,”Sawyerreplied.
TheycontinuedtotalkfootballbutIcouldn’tpayattention.Beauwasdirectlyacrossfromme.Itwas
taking all my will power not to look at him. I smiled and tried not to appear stiff, although I felt
uncomfortablewithSawyer’sarmswrappedaroundmywaist.Sawyerleaneddownandkissedmytemple
casuallywhilehetalked.Iheardsomethingaboutablitzanduppingthepracticetime.Butallmyfocus
wasonnotstaringatBeau.
“EarthtoAshton,”Kayla’svoicebrokeintomythoughts.Ijerkedmyheadupandstareddirectlyather.
Sheseemedtobewaitingonmetoreply.
“Um,Ididn’thearyou,sorry,”Isaid,feelingtheblushcreepupmyneck.Shegiggledandtwirleda
longredcurlaroundherfinger.
“Iaskedyouifyouwantedtobeoneofthespiritgirlsthisyear.Maybethisyearourquarterbackwill
actuallyacceptaspiritgirlifhegetstochooseyou.”
Spiritgirlsweregirlsthecheerleadersaddedtotheirnumberssoeveryfootballplayerwouldhavea
girltomakehimgoodiesongameday.Offtherecord,spiritgirlsalsohappenedtohelptheirplayerwith
hishomework,orderhimapizzatobedeliveredtotheschoolforlunch,andsomeunofficialthingslike
backmassagesandother“handson”activities.Thestartersalwayspickedtheirspiritgirlthentherestof
theplayerswentinahatandthespiritgirlsdrewnames.
“Um,yes,ofcourse,”Ireplied.
Sawyerchuckled.“ThenAshismine.”
Kaylasmiledbutsheseemedmoreannoyedthanamused.“We’reassigningeachgirltwoplayersthis
year.Soyou’llhaveonemoreboytotakecareoftoo.Theboyshaven’tpickedyetbutIdoubtanyoneelse
choosesyousinceyou’reSawyer’s.You’llhavetodrawaname.”
NicolelaughedandIinstantlytensed,preparingforherrudecomment.WithoutthinkingIglancedover
towardthesoundofherlaughterandimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.Beauwassittingonthegroundleaning
upagainstatractortirewithhislegsbentandwideopen.Rightinbetweenhismuscularjean-cladlegssat
Nicole.Shehadonearmwrappedaroundhisneckandtheotheronerestingonhisknee.Itwouldhave
beeneasierifshe’djuststoodupandpunchedmeinthegut.Maybewhackedmearoundafewtimes.At
themomentthepainwouldbeawelcomedistractiontothetightnesstakingovermychest.
Beau’s eyes locked on mine. After everything we’d been through together I hoped I would see some
smallshredof...oh...Idon’tknow.Justsomething.Buthedidn’tlookphasedbymeatall.Itwasasif
thosetwoweeksneverhappened.Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.
“Youknow,Ashton,I’vealwayswonderedwhatitisyoudosorightthatkeepsSawyeronsuchatight
leash.Imeanyou’vegottobehidingsomehiddentalentfromus.”Nicole’swordswereslurredbutthey
wereloudandIwaspositiveeveryoneheardher.Evenpeoplenotinthelittlegroupsurroundingus.My
stomachturnedandtwisted.God,IhopedIdidn’tgetsick.
“Itisn’tonething,Nic,she’sperfectateverythingshedoes.”Sawyer’svoicesoundedascalmandnice
asalways.
Nicolesnarled,“Doubtthat.Youjustforgotwhatagoodtimefeelslike.”
Sawyer tensed, his arms tightened around me as if he was protecting me. I’d always wondered what
SawyerhaddonewithNicoleintheseventhgrade.AttimesI’dbeenjealouswhenshelookedathimasif
sheknewhim inwaysI didn’t.Butthen hewouldbe socareful nottodo anythingotherthan kissmeI
figuredhehadtobeaschasteasIwas.“Was”beingtheimportantwordhere.
“Shut up, Nicole.” The words hadn’t been Sawyer’s. Beau’s deeper voice snapped out the order.
NicolegiggledagainandleanedforwardtoshakeherbralessboobsatSawyer.
“Yourememberhowmuchfunitwas,don’tyaSaw.Wehadlotsoffun,”sheslurred.
“Shutthehellup,Nicole,”Beaugrowledangrily,pushingherawayfromhim.Ishouldbehurtthatmy
boyfriendwasn’tasinexperiencedasI’dthought.Thefacthe’dbeenunabletokeephishandsoffNicole
anddidn’thaveanyproblemnottouchingmeshouldbotherme.Itdidn’t.AllIfeltwasreliefatseeing
BeaupushingNicoleoffofhim.
“What’sthematter?Youdon’tlikehearingabouthowyourcousinhadmefirst?Hmmmm...don’tbe
jealous, baby. You’re the only one who’s getting in my pants tonight.” Nicole attempted to purr but her
slurringkindofmadeitsoundmorelikeshewasmoaning.
Sawyer moved from behind me and took my arm to pull me away. I felt Beau’s eyes on me and I
glancedbackathim.InthatmomentIcouldseetheBeauI’dthoughtlovedme.Hiseyessaidhewassorry
ashepushedNicoleawayabsently.NotoncedidhebreakeyecontactwithmeasSawyerledmeintothe
pecan orchard. There was pain in those eyes that haunted my dreams. I gave him a sad smile before
turningtofollowmyboyfriendintotheshadowsofthetrees.Thelightfromthefiredisappearedasdidthe
noise. The moon managed to peek through the branches, shedding enough light to keep us from walking
intoatreeortrippingoverafallenbranch.
“Ash, I’m so sorry,” Sawyer said, pulling me into his arms once we got to his truck. “She’s a vile
humanbeingandwhyIeverdatedherIdon’tknow.IwishBeauwouldgetridofher.”Hekissedthetop
ofmyheadlikeIwasachildheneededtocomfort.Ididn’tfeellikecrying.ButIwantedtoknowwhy.
ForsolongIthoughthewaswithoutsinandIwastheonewhoneededtobetamed,butthathadn’tbeen
true.
“Did you have sex with her, Sawyer?” I asked, staring up at him. The guilty expression on his face
answeredmyquestionforme.Hecuppedthesideofmyfacewithhishand.
“Ash, it was a long time ago. She was my first girlfriend and although she was pretty wild for a
thirteen-year-oldwewerestillyoung.Ofcoursewedidn’thavesex,”hesaid.
“Youobviouslydidsomething.Youhardlytouchmeyetitsoundslikeyoudidalotmorethankissing
withNicole.”
Sawyerfrowned.Hehadn’tbeenexpectingmetovoicemyfeelings.Inormallyreassuredhimwhenhe
was upset. I never wanted to ruffle his feathers. Make life easy for Sawyer had been my mantra for so
long.Well,thatpartofthischaradeIwaslivingwaslonggone.Nomorepattinghimontheback.
“Ashton,ImadesomebaddecisionswithNicole.Shepushedmetodosomethings.Igavein.Butyou,
you’redifferent.You’regood.Itisn’taboutsexwithus.”
Howcouldyoubeinlovewithsomeoneandnotwantsex?Wewerehuman.Hewasateenageboy,for
cryingoutloud.Hehadhormones.
“Are you not attracted to me that way? I mean I know I don’t have Nicole’s body and I won’t be
winninganybeautycontest,butifyoulovemethenIwouldthinksexwithmewouldappealtoyou.”
ThreeweeksagoIwouldn’thavehadthenervetosaythesethings.BeingwithBeauhadchangedmeso
much.
Sawyer’sexpressionwassomewherebetweenshockandconfusion.
“Ashton,Irespectyou.Youdeserverespect.You’reeverythingIeverwantedinagirl.You’renotjust
somegirlI’mfillingmyhighschoolyearswith.Iintendtomarryyouoneday.”
Marryhim?What?Really?OhGOD.
Hesmiledattheshockedexpressiononmyface.“Iloveyou,Ashton.Iintendtokeepyouforever.I’m
veryattractedtoyou.Ijustdon’twantmyfuturewifetolosehervirginityinthebedofatruck.”
Beau
Thiswasbullshit.Shewasn’thappy.Icouldseeitalloverherface.Hell,she’dbeensodamnstiffwhile
Sawyerstoodthereholdingheritwasimpossiblenottonotice.Ithadalsodrivenmemad.Ihatedseeing
hersouncomfortable.ThenNicolehadopenedherstupidmouthandupsethermore.Iwantedtobelieve
thatshedeservedallthisbutIcouldn’t.Somethingwaswrong.I’dbeenwrongnottoquestionherwhen
she’dcometome.Mystupidpridehadletherwalkaway.I’dfuckedthatupgood.
“Stopbeingsomean,”Nicolesaid,leaningonmyarminanattempttokeepfromfallingonherface.I
grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her down to sit on the tire behind us. She couldn’t stand up
withoutsupportandIdidn’twanttofeelherhandsonme.ThelookinAsh’seyeswhenhergazehadmet
minehadmadeeveryplaceNicoletouchedfeelcheapanddirty.Iwantedherawayfromme.
“What’s going on with you and Ash?” Kayla’s question snapped me out of my inner turmoil and I
shiftedmygazetomeethercuriousone.Damn.Leaveittoafemaletoseewhatnooneelsenotices.
“NothingisgoingonwithmeandAsh.”
Sheraisedaneyebrowindisbelief.“Hmmm,whatever,Beau,”sherepliedbeforeliftingherredsolo
cuptoherlips.Thegirlhadalwaysbeennosy.
“CanyougetNichome?”IaskedEthan,steppingfarenoughawaythatshecouldn’tpawatme.
Ethanshrugged.“Yeah,Iguess.Ifshecomesontomeareyougonnakickmyasstomorrow?”
“Nah,enjoyyourself.”
Ethansmirkedandshookhishead.Ididn’twaitaroundtoseewhatotherstupidcommentscameoutof
hismouth.
Iheaded for mytruck. Staying herewas impossible. I’d onlycome because I’dknown she would be
here.WantingtoseeherhadbeenmysolepurposeforputtingupwithNicoleandSawyer.Imissedher.I
missedhersofuckingmuch.AfterthesadsmileandhopefullookinhereyesasshewalkedawayIhada
newsenseofhopethatmaybethiswasn’tover.MaybeIstillhadachance.
Chapter13
Ashton
Theparkinglotattheschoolwasalmostempty.Onlyafewparkedcarsremained.IrecognizedSawyer’s
truck as well as Beau’s. They would both still be at practice. I’d put off going home for over an hour.
Sawyerwasintheweightroomandhehadn’trespondedtomylasttext.Goinghomewasn’tsomethingI
couldhandlejustyet.MyAuntCarolineandherdaughterLanahaddescendeduponourhouselastnight
and were staying for an undetermined amount of time. Uncle Nolan had been caught doing things he
shouldn’t with his secretary on top of the copy machine and Aunt Caroline had fled their home in
Mississippi. We were the “only place she could think of” and didn’t that make us lotto winners. Aunt
Carolinecriedandregaledanyonewhowouldlistenaboutwhatshe’dfoundmyuncledoing.Hearingit
the first time was hard enough. I really didn’t want to keep having to suffer through the recaps. Having
Lana invade my personal space was beyond frustrating. She was so polite and polished. I wanted to
screamorpossiblymessupherhairandslapherarounduntilsheshowedsomeemotion.
Leannhadleftforcollegealready,SawyerwasalwaysbusywithfootballandBeauwasactinglikeI
didn’texist.ItwastimeslikethiswhenIfeltsoaloneandlostI’druntomyGrana’ssoshecouldmake
everythingrightagain.Lifewassounfair.
“Whatdidyourcardowrong?”
Beau’s voice startled me. I spun around to find him only a few feet behind me with his helmet and
shoulder pads in one hand and the shirt he should be wearing in the other. Lordy, did he have to walk
aroundshirtless?Heshiftedhisgazefrommycartomyface.Ishuffledmyfeetnervously.Wehadn’tbeen
aloneinsixteen,no,makethatseventeendays.
“You’ve been standing here glowering at your car for five minutes. I’m assuming it’s somehow
offendedyou.”
Tearsstungmyeyes.Beingthisclosetohimandhavinghimactuallylookatmeandspeakdirectlyto
mewaswonderfulandsoincrediblypainful.
“What’swrong,Ash?”
Swallowing the lump in my throat didn’t help. I bit down on my bottom lip and shrugged. He stood
theresilentlyforamoment.Icouldseetheindecisiononhisface.Finallyhereachedformybookbagand
touchedmywaist.
“Comewithme.YoucantalkandI’lllisten.”
Ididn’targue.Iwantedthis.Ineededhim.Ilethimguidemetohistruckandheopenedthepassenger’s
doorsoIcouldclimbin.
Wedidn’tspeakatfirst.Iworkedongettingmyemotionsundercontrolwhileheturnedhistruckdown
afamiliarroadIknewledtoourspotonthebay.
“Youwannatellmewhat’sgotyouupset?”heasked.
He glanced at me for a second but quickly shifted his eyes back to the road. I wasn’t sure how to
answer this question. A lot of things were wrong. I was with Sawyer, acting like someone I wasn’t.
Someone I’d realized I didn’t even like. School had started back and Beau was there every day in the
halls, in the cafeteria, in my classrooms. I could see him and not touch him. It was killing me. Then of
coursetherewasmyAuntCarolineandLanatakingawaytheonlyrefugeIhadleft.Myhouse.Myroom.
“Comeon,Ash,tellmewhat’sgoingon.”
“Myunclecheatedonmyauntandnowmyauntandmycousinhavemovedintomyhouse.Lanaisin
myroomallthetime.Ihavenoprivacy.Myauntiscryingandretellingtheawfulstoryofhowshecaught
him.There’snowheretohide.Ijustwanttorunoffintothewoodsandscream.”
Asoftchucklefrombesidemeshouldhavetickedmeofftohavehimlaughingatmypredicament,but
I’dmissedthesoundsomuchitmademesmile.
“Familycanbeabitch,”hesaidalittlesomberly.IwonderedifhewastalkingaboutSawyer.Didhe
care I was with Sawyer? I couldn’t tell. I wanted to believe he was hiding his feelings from me but it
seemedveryunlikely.Helaughedandflirtedwitheveryprettyfaceatschooljustlikehe’dalwaysdone.
“SoIfoundyoustandingafewfeetawayfromyourcarglaringatitlikeithadteethandwasgoingto
biteyou,becauseyoudidn’twanttogohome?”
IthoughtaboutadmittingImissedhim.ThatI’dfoughttheurgedailytogetinmycarandridedownto
thebarhe’dtakenmetoplaypool,hopingtofindhim.
He patted the spot beside him and I scooted over without hesitation. His hand found mine and he
squeezed it. For the first time since Sawyer had come home I felt complete. Being with Beau made me
believeeverythingwouldbeokay.Thattheissueskeepingusapartwouldn’talwaysmatterandeverything
wouldeventuallyturnoutalright.
We pulled onto our piece of land overlooking the Mobile Bay. Everything seemed so different in the
sunlight.HereleasedmyhandandIstartedtoscootawaywhenhisarmslidbehindmetopullmecloser
tohisside.Iletoutacontentedsighandrestedmyheadinthecrookofhisarm.Neitherofusspoke.We
justsatthereandwatchedthesunsetoverthewaterinsilence.
MyeyesbegantodroopandIsmiled,thinkinghoweasyeverythingwaswithhim.
“Ash.”Beau’sbreathtickledmyear.MyeyesflewopenandittookmeamomenttorememberwhereI
wasat.RubbingthesleepoutofmyeyesIslowlysatup.
“Ifellasleep,”Imumbled.
Beauchuckled.“Yeah,youdid.”
“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeanto.”
Beautuckedastrandofhairbehindmyearandflashedmethecrookedsmilethatneverfailedtomake
myheartflutter.
“Don’tbe.Ican’tthinkofabettertimeI’vehadsince...well,since.”
Whatdidhemeanbythat?Sincewhen?Sincethissummerwhenit’dbeenjustus?Beforehe’dletme
walkoutofhistrailerwithoutanargument?
“I need to get you back. Sawyer’s texted your phone and called you several times. The last time he
calledIfigureditwastimeIwokeyou.EventhoughIenjoyedhavingyousleeponme.”
My heart thumped against my chest. Hearing him say things like that to me gave me hope. Hope for
what,Ididn’tknow.I’dbeentheonetodecideitwasn’tworthit.Hehandedmemyphone.
“Answerhim.Thisisgoingtobehardenoughtoexplainasitis.”
I read both texts from him asking me where I was at. He sounded concerned in his last one. My car
beingleftattheschoolparkinglotwasbotheringhim.
Beau’sphonerangandheglanceddownatitandfrowned.“It’sSawyer.”
I reached for his phone. “Here, let me answer it. I might as well explain. Besides, we did nothing
wrong.”
“Hello?”
“Ash?Whereareyou?Why’reyouansweringBeau’sphone.I’vebeentryingtocallyou.”
“I’msorry.Iknow.Iwasjustabouttocallyou.I’vebeenasleep.Beaufoundmeintheparkinglot.I
didn’twanttogohomeandfaceallthedrama.HeofferedtolistentomerantsomeandIendedupfalling
asleep.Heletmesleep.Buthe’sbringingmebacktomycarnow.”
Sawyer was quiet for a moment. I glanced over at Beau, who was watching me with something that
remindedmeofalionwhosenseddangerandwasgettingreadytopounce.
“Okay,I’llgowaitforyouatyourcar,”hefinallyreplied.
Iwasn’tsurewhatSawyerwasthinkingbythetoneofhisvoice.NormallyIcouldgaugehismoodover
thephone.
“I’llseeyouinalittlewhilethen,”IsaidandhandedthephonebacktoBeau.Hecloseditandnodded
towardthepassengersideofthetruck.
“If he’s going to be waiting on us you probably need to scoot over. I’m not sure he’d be that
understanding.”
Beaucrankedthetruckandturneditbacktowardtown.ReluctantlyIslidbackovertothefarsideof
thetruck.Awayfromhiswarmth.
“Beau...thankyou.Ineededthis.Ineeded,Ineeded...you.”
Heletoutaheavysighandshookhishead.
“Sayingthingslikethattomemakesthissodamnhard.I’llalwaysbehereforyou.Butdon’ttellme
youneedme.”
“ButIcan’thelpit.Ido.”
“Damnit,Ash.Ican’tlistentothat.Ican’tthinkaboutit.IcandealwithdenyingmyselfwhatIneed.
WhatIwant.ButIcan’tdenyyou.”
“YouloveSawyer.He’slikeyourbrother.Couldyoureallyhurthimthatway?Couldyoureallylose
himoveragirl?Idon’tknowifIcouldletyoudoit.Onedayyouwouldresentmeforcomingbetween
the two of you. You would never be able to love me. I would always be a reminder of how I was the
reasonyoulostSawyer.”
Ilaidmyheadbackontheseatandclosedmyeyes.ThereweresomanyreasonswhyIcouldnever
haveBeau.AndeverytimeIvoicedoneitrippedanotherholeinmyheart.
“You’reright,”hesaidinahoarsewhisper.
Hearinghimagreefeltasifhe’djustrunaswordthroughmychest.Ibitbackasobandturnedmyhead
awayfromhim.
Neitherofusspokeagain.
Whenhepulledintotheparkingspotbesidemycar,SawyerwasatthepassengersideofBeau’struck,
immediatelyopeningitandreachingforme.
“I’msorry,baby.I’vebeensowrappedupinfootballthatI’vebeenignoringyou.Youjustlostyour
Granaandnowyourrelativeshaveinvadedyourhouse.”HepulledmeintohisarmsandIlethimhold
me. Right now my chest ached so badly I needed someone to hold me together. Even if that someone
wasn’tBeau.
“Thankyou,Beau.YouwerethereforherwhenIwasn’t.Ioweyouone,”Sawyersaidovermyhead.I
didn’tlookatBeau.IkeptmyfaceburiedinSawyer’schest.
“You’rewelcome,”hereplied.SawyerclosedthetruckdoorandIlistenedasthetirescrunchedover
thegravel.ThesoundofBeaudrivingoffandleavingmeherewithSawyer.
“Comebacktomyhousewithme.I’mgrillingoutsidewithDadtonightandmyparentswouldloveto
haveyouover,”Sawyersaid,pullingbacktogazedownatme.Icouldn’tsayno.Ididn’twanttosayno.
GoinghomemeantmoreLanaandmoreAuntCaroline.
“Okay.”
Chapter14
Beau
“Hey,Beau.”
I turned around to see Kayla walking up beside me with a clipboard in her hands. The halls were
packedwitheveryonestoppingbytheirlockerinbetweenclasses.ThiswouldbethetimeKaylahunted
medowntoaskmeaquestion.Itwasimpossibletogetawayfromherinthiscrowd.Shegavemeaflirty
smileandlickedherlips.KaylawasonlybraveenoughtospeaktomewhenNicolewasnowherearound.
“Kayla,”Irepliedandkeptwalking,forcinghertojogalittleinordertokeepupwithme.Normally
clipboardsandKaylameanttheheadcheerleaderwasgoingtotrytoropeyouintosomething.
“Youhaven’tpickedyourspiritgirlyet.”
Thatcommentdidn’tevenrankareply.Ineverpickedmyspiritgirl.Someonealwaysendedupdoing
it. Actually, I normally had several volunteers eager and willing at my locker on game day begging to
meetallmyneeds.
“Icanputyournameinthehatforoneofthegirlstodrawyournameoryoucanpick.Therestofthe
firststringhavepickedalready.Soseveralofthegirlsalreadyhavetheirtwoguys.Ifyouwantoneofthe
toppicksyouneedtoclaimhernow.”
Againnoreasontorespond.
“Okay, well here are the best or most popular picks who still have one opening left: Heather Kerr,
Blair,Heidi,Noel,HeatherLong,andAmy.”
Ashtonstoodbesideherlockertryingnottoappearasifshewaslistening.Icouldseeherwatchingme
fromthecornerofhereyes.Thatcaughtmyattention.Theachewhichhadtakenupresidenceinmychest
thesedayssqueezed,remindingmewhyitwasthere.Wouldthisfeelingevergoaway?Howlongwould
seeingherhurtsobad?
“Oh,andAshtonofcourse.”Kayla’schippertonefinallysaidtheonewordIcouldn’tdrownout.
“WhataboutAshton?”Iasked,tearingmygazeawayfromhertostaredownatKayla.
“She’sstillavailable.NoonehaspickedherexceptSawyerofcourse.Idon’tthinkanyonewill.No
one wants her because they know they won’t be getting any special treatment from her. All the special
treatmentshe’llbedishingoutwillbeforSawyer.”
“Iwanther.”
“Youdo?Really?”
“Yes.”
“ButyouknowNoelhasathingforyouandIcanpromiseshe’llmeetallyourneeds,”Kaylastarted
saying.
“I want Ashton,” I repeated and glared down at her before turning and heading outside to the field
house.
Asking for Ashton might be opening myself up for more pain but the thought of her doing things for
Sawyerwasenoughtodrivemecrazy.Thethoughtofherhavingtomakecookiesforyetanotherguyand
decoratinghislockerandmakinghimcardsinfuriatedme.Besides,Iwasn’tdoingsogreatinChemistry.I
neededsometutoring.Theoneononekindwhereboyfriendsweren’tallowed.
“That was one helluva catch,” Sawyer said as we picked up our helmets we’d thrown on the sidelines
beforeweransuicides.Ididn’tlookathimasIturnedandheadedtowardthefifty-yardlinetograbthe
glovesI’dtakenoffearlier.
“Iwasalittlemorefocusedtoday,”Ireplied,joggingouttograbmygloves.Sawyerfollowedme.I
neededsomedistancefromhim.Todayhe’dpushedmealittletoofarwithhisaffectiontowardAshton.
Heofcoursedidn’tknowthat.
“I’d started to get worried about you. The last few practices you have seemed off. But today you
seemedtofindyoursweetspot.”
Aweekagohiscommentwouldhavemademefeelguilty.Butafterhavingtoendurehimkissingand
touching Ashton daily, my guilty conscience was being replaced by rage. Why the hell should he get to
haveitall?Ourentireliveshe’dhaditallbutI’dnevercared.Neverwantedoraskedhimforanything.
NowhehadtheonethingIwantedmorethanairandhedidn’tevenknowher.Thegirlheloveddidn’t
exist.
“GuessIjustgotrustythissummer,”Imumbled.
“Well,you’reback.Lookedgreatoutthere,”Sawyergrinned.
His phone beeped and I forced myself to look away as he checked his text. I hated knowing it was
probablyAshtontextinghim.IhatedhowbadlyIwantedtoknowwhatshesaidtohim.Didshetellhim
shelovedhim?Didshesendhimlittletextsaskinghimtomeetherplaces?Didshemakethosesexylittle
moans—STOPIT.Ihadtostopthinkingaboutthemtogetherasacouple.
“Hey,Beau,youandAshgotkindofclosethissummer.Imeansheunloadedonyoutheotherdayabout
herstressathomeandshenolongergetsthatpinchedlookonherfacewhenImentionyourname.Which
is a good thing. I’m glad the two people who mean the most to me finally remembered they were once
friends.”
HowdidIrespondtothis?Ijustnodded.
“Wouldyou,uh,minddoingmeafavor?Imean,ifyouandNicdon’thaveanythinggoingontonight.
It’sjustItoldAshtonI’dtakeherouttogetsomethingtoeatandmaybeamovie.Youknow,togetherout
ofthehouseandawayfromthecrazyfamilymembers.ButDadjusttextedmeandheneedsmetogowith
him to meet with a friend of his who’s in town for the evening and has connections at the University
athleticdepartment.It’simportantandDadhasworkedreallyhardtosetthismeetingup.ButIdon’twant
toletAshdowneither.Couldyoutakeheroutforme?Ifyouaren’talreadydoingsomethingwithNic.
BecausewebothknowhowshefeelsaboutNic.Idon’twanttothrowherintoasituationthatmakesher
uncomfortable.”
DidhereallyjustaskmetotakeAshouttonight?Washeinsane?Hedidn’tdeserveher.Anyguywho
wouldblowheroffforsomethinghisdaddywantedshouldn’tgettohaveher.
“Sure,”Ireplied,hearingtheclippedtoneinmyvoice.Stupid-asscousinofminehadnocluewhathe
wasaskingfor.Iwasalreadyheadedforhell,Imightaswellenjoytheride.
“Great,thanksman.HerfavoriteplacetoeatistheSeafoodShack.Justmeetusthereatsix.Icangrab
adrinkandspendafewminuteswithyouguysuntilIhavetoheadoutandmeetDad.”
She hated the fried shrimp at the Seafood Shack and their sweet tea always tasted bitter. It was
Sawyer’sfavoriteplaceandshehadnodoubtagreedwithhimitwasthebestplacetoeatintown.He
didn’tknowheratall.
“Since I’m agreeing to help out let’s do this my way. I hate the Seafood Shack. I’m sure Princess
Ashtonwon’tmindslummingitatHank’s.TheburgerstherearebetterthananythingtheSeafoodShack
hasandshereallyneedstotastetheirsweettea.”
Sawyerfrownedamomentthennodded.“Okay,Ash’sagreeable.I’msureshe’llbefinewithHank’s.
I’vetakenherthereacoupletimesbutIthinkshemightagreewithyouontheburgers.Irememberher
scarfingonedown.”
Withbaconandcheeseonatoastedbun.Sheevenmakesthesecutelittlesoundsofpleasureassheeats
one.OneofthemanythingsIcan’tbelievehedoesn’tknowabouther.
The familiar smell of grease and burgers met me at the door as I stepped inside Hank’s. The red-
checkeredformicatableswerealreadyfillingup.InoddedatHankasIpassedthegrillandmademyway
to the back. There were more secluded booths in the back. I didn’t want the whole place watching our
everymove.IfIwasgoingtohaveAshtontomyself,Iwantedtoenjoyitwithoutafreakingaudience.
IwentaheadandorderedAsh’steaandthecheesedipsheloved.WhenSawyerhadtextedmetotell
metheywereontheirwayI’dbeensurprised.AlthoughI’dagreedtothisIhadn’treallythoughtAshton
would.Thefactshe’dgonealongwiththishadputmeinaverygoodmood.
Ashton
“Thereheisintheback,”Sawyersaid,takingmyhandandleadingmetothebackofHank’s.Myheart
spedupatthethoughtofbeingbackinthesecludedboothalonewithBeau.
“Heyman,sorrywe’relate.Ihadtodropsomeflowersoffatthenursinghome,”Sawyerexplained.He
motionedformetogoinfirst.Iscootedtowardthewallandheslidinbesideme.Beauslidaglassof
sweetteatowardme.
“I haven’t been here long. I went ahead and got mine and Ash’s drinks but I didn’t order for you. I
wasn’tsurewhatyouwanted,”Beausaid.
Myfavoritecheesedipsatinfrontofhimandhemoveditovertowardmeaswell.“Goaheadandhelp
yourself.I’vehadallofthisIwant.”
Mycheeksbecamewarmrememberingthelastnightwe’dsharedthischeesedip.It’dbeenontheway
homefromourdayatthebeach.
“I’mgood,butthanks.IonlyhaveafewminutesthenI’vegottogomeetDad,”Sawyersaid.
BeauglancedatmebrieflythenturnedhisattentionbacktoSawyer.
“Goodluckwithyourmeeting.”
“Thanks, I’m pumped about it. I hate I’m having to leave my girl but this could be important to my
future.Iappreciateyouhangingoutwithhertonight.”
“Well,youowemeone.Actuallyyouowemeafew.IalsotookAshasmyspiritgirltoday.Someone
elsewasgoingtogetherifIdidn’tandIfiguredyouwouldn’twantthat.”
HesoundedasifhewasdoingSawyersomebigfavor.Iwasn’tachildwhoneededtobebabysat.I
didn’tcometonightbecauseIcouldn’tbeartobeathome.I’dcomebecauseIwantedtobewithBeau.
“Just let me know when you want to collect the favors. And thanks for picking Ash. I know you
could’ve picked someone else who would’ve made you happier but I appreciate you having my back.”
SawyersoundedlikeBeauhangingoutwithmeandhavingmeasaspiritgirlwassomehugesacrifice.It
tookallmywillpowertokeepfromtellingthembothtogotohellandstormingoutoftherestaurant.
“I’llbesuretocalltheminwhenIneedthem,”BeausaidwithagrinonhisfaceIsuddenlywantedto
slapoff.
“Alright,Ineedtoheadout,”Sawyersaid,leaningdowntokissme.Iturnedmyfaceandglaredatthe
wallbehindhim,causinghislipstolandonmycheek.
“AndI’lltrynottobetoodifficultforyourcousin,”Isaidwithunmistakableangerlacedinmyvoice.
Sawyerfrownedfrommytone.IfakedasmileIknewhewouldbelieve.Thatseemedtobeenoughfor
him.Henoddedandheadedout.IwaiteduntilthedoorclosedbehindhimbeforeIturnedbackaroundto
gloweratBeau.
“I’mnotsomekidwhoneedspacifying.Icantakecareofmyself.Assoonashe’shadtimetoleavethe
parkinglotI’mgoingtostartwalkinghome.”
BeausattheregrinningatmeasifI’djusttoldhimhe’dwonamilliondollars.
“God,howI’vemissedthat,”hesaid.
“What?”
“Seeingtherealyou.Youalmostunleasheditrighthereinfrontofhim.Icouldseetheconfusiononhis
facewhenyouletthatsexysnarllooseinyourvoice.Damn,itwashot.”
Isattherestaringathim,completelyconfused.Hadhemademeangryonpurpose?
“Areyoutellingmeyoubaitedme?Youtriedtogetmetosnapinfrontofhim?”Iasked,tryinghardto
controlmytemper.
“Ah,andthereitcomesagain,butthistimeMr.Perfectisn’theresoI’mgoingtogettoseeitallfull
force.”
Tearsstungmyeyes.I’dimaginedtonightsomuchdifferently.GettingtobealonewithBeauandhaving
Sawyerknowaboutitandbeokaywithithadsoundedlikeadreamcometrue.Instead,Beaudecidesto
treatmelikesomekindofenjoyablesideshow.
“I’mnothereforentertainmentpurposes,Beau.IagreedtothistonightbecausefoolishlyIwantedto
spendtheeveningwithyou.Imissyou.AndIthought...Ithoughtyouagreedtoitbecauseyoumissedme
too.”
AlumpformedinmythroatandIgrabbedmypurse.IneededtogetoutbeforeImadeanidiotofmyself
andstartedcrying.Iwasanemotionalwreck.Icouldn’ttakeBeauhurtingme.Itwasjusttoomuch.
“Ash, wait.” Beau’s words caused me to pause but I didn’t glance back. I would cave in and then I
wouldbeopeningmyselfuptogettinghurtsomemore.Ihurriedforthedoor.
Chapter15
My house was seven miles away and in the dark walking very far wouldn’t be smart. Besides, Beau
would just find me and drive alongside me trying to get me to get in his stupid truck. I turned and ran
downthenarrowpavedroadleadingtothehighschool.Thestreetlightslitupthetree-linedroadenough
tokeepitfrombeingspooky.ItwaslessthanamilefromHank’sandIcouldgositonthebleachersatthe
footballfieldandhaveSawyerpickmeuptherewhenhewasfinished.
MyphonedingedandIglancedatthetextmessage.
Beau:AshI’msorry.Pleasetellmewhereurat
Iclickedignoreandkeptheadingtowardthefootballfield.
RightbeforeIreachedthegateentrance,headlightsilluminatedthedarknessbehindme.Ididn’tstop
walking.IfitwasBeau,andIwasprettysureitwas,Ineededtogetawayfromhim.IwantedtocryandI
couldn’tcrywithhimaroundtowatch.HistruckdoorslammedandIheardhisfeetrunningonthegravel.
I’dneverbeabletooutrunhimbutIcouldtry.
“Ash,I’msorry.”HisarmscamearoundmebeforeIcouldbreakoutintoarun.
“Beau,letmego.Iwanttobealone.I’llcallSawyerandhecanpickmeuplaterandtakemehome.”
“No,”hereplied.
“Thatwasn’tayesornoquestion.Itwasademand.Now,leave.”
“Ash,you’vegottolistentome.Ididn’tmeananythingIsaid.Iwasjusttryingtoseethefirebehind
your eyes. I missed it and I selfishly lashed out knowing you’d get angry. I was wrong and I’m so, so
sorry.Please.”
Heburiedhisheadinthecrookofmyneckandtookadeepbreath.IfIhadanyintentionofstayingmad
athimitflewrightoutthewindowwhenhedidsomethingsovulnerableasnuzzlingmyneck.
“Soyoudon’tconsiderthisababysittingjobinwhichSawyerowesyouone?”Iaskedinamuchsofter
tonethanI’dbeenusing.
“Godno,youknowthat,”hereplied,stillnuzzlingmyneck.Hethreadedhisfingersthroughmine.“And
askingformeasyourspiritgirlwasn’tsomegreatserviceyoudidforhim?BecauseIcanrefusetodoit
andyoucanaskforanothergirl.”
Hestilledthenmadeatrailofkissesupmynecktomyear.
“ThethoughtofyoudoingthingsforSawyerongamedayishardenough.Icouldn’timagineyoumaking
cookiesforsomeotherguyanddecoratinghislockerandkissinghischeekatthepeprally.Theonlyspirit
girlI’lleverwantisyou.”
Iturnedaroundinhisarmsandstaredupathim.
“I’mnotrealstrongemotionallyrightnow.Witheverythinggoingonathomeandthencomingtoschool
andseeingyou...”Istoppedexplaining.TellinghimhowmuchIhatedseeingNicoleinhisarmsand
hangingonhimwasn’tfair.Hecuppedmyfaceinhishands.
“AndI’mthebiggestassholeintheworldfornotthinkingaboutthatbeforetreatingyouthewayIdid.
I’msosorry,Ash,pleaseforgiveme.”
Istooduponmytiptoesandkissedhim.“You’reforgiven,”Iwhisperedthenreluctantlytookastep
back.“Weshouldgo,”Isaidthenturnedtogotohistruck.
Ididn’tscootovertositbesidehimashepulledoutoftheparkinglot.Iglanceddownathishandand
noticed the tight grip he had on the stick shift. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. I was in
Beau’struckagain.WewerealoneanditwasokaywithSawyer.Isighedandturnedmyheadtostareout
thewindowandwatchthetreespassbyasBeaudrovebacktoHank’s.
“Wait here. I’ll be right back,” he said then jumped out of the truck and went inside. He returned
secondslaterwithatakeoutbaginhishand.
Iwatchedasheclimbedbackinthetruckandgavemehiscrookedgrin.
“Baconcheeseburgeronatoastedbun,”heexplainedashehelditouttome.
“Thankyou,”Ireplied,feelingmyheartswellupfromthesimplefactherememberedwhatIlikedto
eathere.
“Icouldn’tletyougohometonightwithoutfeedingyou.EspeciallyafterI’dmadesurewewouldbe
eatingsomewhereyouactuallyliked.Ididn’tsaveyoufromtheShrimpShackfornothing.”
SothatwaswhySawyerhadchangedthelocation.Igrinnedandopenedthebag.
“Well,youstillowemeyourcompanywhileIeat.”
Heraisedhiseyebrows.“Really...youthinkso?”
“Definitely.I’llfeelgyppedifI’mforcedtoeatalone.”
Henoddedandturnedhistrucktowardstheoutskirtsoftown.Itlookedlikewewouldbeendingour
nightwithagameofpool.
“YouthinkyoucanrememberthoseskillsItaughtyou?BecauseI’dreallyliketoseeyoubentovera
pool table the rest of the evening.” The teasing tone in Beau’s voice did little to distract me from his
words.MyfacefeltwarmandIcutmyeyesovertowardhim.
“Damn.Myimaginationgotawaywithme,”Beausaidinatightvoiceasheshookhishead.“Ineedto
thinkofsomethingelse.Fast.”
I needed to think of something else too but my mind kept replaying the night in the back of his truck.
Everysound.Everytouch.Mybodytingledfromthememory.
“Please, Ash. Don’t look at me like that. I’m going to drive us to the bar. We’re going to play pool.
That’sall.Ican’tthinkaboutanythingelse.IfIdo...well,Ijustcan’t.”
MybreathingwasalittleshallowbutInoddedthenforcedmymouthtoopensoIcouldtakeabiteof
myburger.AnythingtogetmymindoffhowgoodithadfeltwrappedupinBeau’sarms.
Neitherofusspokeagainuntilhepulledintotheparkinglotofthebar.Iopenedmytruckdoorbefore
hecoulddoitforme,andjumpeddown.HavingBeautouchmewhilemybodywasonhighalertfromthe
knowledgeofjusthowgoodhecouldmakemefeel,wasabadidea.
“WithSawyerbackintownIdidn’texpecttoseeyouwalkingbackinherewithher,”HoneyVincentsaid
whenBeauandIwalkedintothebar.
“I’mentertainingherforSawyer,Mom.Leaveitalone.”
Hereyebrowsshotupandsheglancedbackatme.“SoSawyer’sokaywithyouhangingoutwithBeau,
huh? Well, I’ll be damned. I’s sure he’d have a shit fit once he found out about the two of ya running
aroundtowntogether.”
“Beau and I’ve been friends as long as Sawyer and I’ve been. Sawyer is glad we’re rekindling our
friendship,”IexplainedbeforeBeaucouldsaysomethingsnide.
“I’mbettin’heain’tgotaclueyou’reslummingitatabarwithBeau.IfhefindsoutthatBeaudragsyou
outherethenheain’tgonnabenonetohappyaboutthetwoofyouhangin’out.”
“Stayoutofit,Mom.We’reheretoplaypool.”
IletBeaupullmeawayfromHoneybeforethetwoofthemgotintoanargumentoverwhetherornot
Sawyerwouldapproveofmybeinghere.Iwasalmostpositivehewouldbeagainstitbutithadbecome
mineandBeau’sthing.Iwasn’twillingtogivethisuptoo.IglancedbackatHoneyasBeauledmetothe
pooltable.Thedisapprovalinhereyeswasobvious.Shestudiedmeamomentbeforeshakingherhead
andturningtowalkbacktothebar.
“Sorryabouther.Shehaswarmeduptoyousomebutshestillisn’tcrazyaboutSawyer’sfamily,and
youbeingSawyer’sgirlfriendmakesyouapartofit.”
I understood the unsaid words. Because I’d stayed with Sawyer and not chosen Beau over Sawyer I
hadamarkagainstme.InhereyesIwasbetrayingherandBeau.
“That’sokay.Igetit,”IassuredBeauandpickedupmycuestick.
“AlrightAsh,it’stimeformetokickyourhotlittleass.”
“Inyourdreams,buddy,”Ireplied,knowinggoodandwellhewouldbeatme.I’dgottenbetterbutnot
goodenoughtobeatBeau.
TwogameslaterIgotatextmessagefromSawyer.
Areyouathome?
IslowlyliftedmyeyestomeetBeau’s.“It’sSawyeraskingifI’mathome.”
Beauputhiscuestickupandreachedformine.
“TellhimI’mtakingyouhomenow.”
Ididn’twanttogohomerightnowbuttherewasnootherexplanationIcouldgiveSawyer.Itextedhim
back.
Beau’stakingmehomenow.
Beaunoddedtowardthedoor.“Comeon,let’sgo.”
Hedidn’treachformyhandortouchmybackthewayheusedtowhenwewalkedoutofhere.Instead
hewalkedbesidemenottouchingmeorlookingatme.
Igotanothertextmessage.
Tellhimtobringyoutomyhouse.Everyone’sinbedandI’minthepoolhouse.Comeseeme.I’ll
takeyouhome.
Thatwasn’tsomethingIcouldaskBeautodo.He’dbeenwonderfulafterourfighttonight.Askinghim
todropmeoffatSawyer’swastoomuch.
OncewewereinthetruckIfiddledwithmyphonetryingtodecidewhattotellSawyer.
“Whatisit,Ash?Whatdidhesaytomakeyoustartchewingyourbottomlip?”
Isighedandkeptmyeyesonthephoneinmylap.
“Hewantsyoutobringmetohispoolhouse.Idon’twantyoutodothat.”
Beaupulledthetruckoffthesideoftheroadandthenturnedtolookatme.
“Why?”
Iglancedupathim.“Because,”Ireplied.
Beauletoutagrowlandslammedhispalmsagainstthesteeringwheel,causingmetojump.
“Ican’tdothis,Ash.It’skillingme.Havingyouthiscloseandnottouchingyouisdrivingmeinsane.
You’rehis,Ash.You’rehis.YoumadeyourchoiceandIunderstandwhyyouchosehim.Idon’tholdit
againstyoubut,dammit,Ash,ithurts.”
Mychestfeltasifithadbeenrippedopenagain.
“I’m so sorry, Beau. I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I can’t make it
better.I’msorry,”
“Stopit,Ash.Youhavenothingtobesorryfor.IstartedthisandI’mtheonewhoneedstoendit.Ijust
can’tseemtobringmyselftostayawayfromyou.”
Islidoverandstraddledthestickshiftandlaidmyheadonhisshoulder.
Heslippedhisarmaroundmeandpulledmetightupagainsthim.Iclosedmyeyesashekissedthetop
ofmyhead.Neitherofusknewwhattosay.Wesatinsilenceholdingeachotheruntilmyphonealertedus
ofanothertextmessage.IstartedtopullawaybutBeauheldmeagainsthissideandcrankedthetruck.
“Justletmeholdyoualittlelonger,”hewhisperedhoarselyashepulledbackontotheroad.
When we pulled onto Sawyer’s street Beau kissed my head one more time. “You better move over
now.”
Chapter16
LanawasperchedontheedgeofmybedflippingthroughmyphotoalbumfromlastsummerwhenIfinally
madeithome.Iclosedthedoortomyroomalittleharderthanneeded,unabletohidemyfrustrationthat
she’d been going through my things again. Her head snapped up in surprise. Good, I hope I scared her.
Servesherrightforgoingthroughmystuff.
“OH.Hey,Ash,you’refinallyhome,”shereplied,smilingpolitely.
Thisgirlwasnotreal.Shewasalwayssoftspokenandnevershowedanyemotion.ItwasasifmyAunt
Caroline had given birth to a freaking robot. My mood was crummy and seeing her infiltrating my
personalspacedidn’tmakeitbetter.
“I hope you don’t mind I pulled out your photo albums. Our mothers have been talking in hushed
whispersandIgotbored.I’mreallygladyou’reherenow.”
Therewasagenuinesmileonherface,makingmefeelatadbitguiltyforbeingsoaggravatedwithher.
Imean,herdadwasadouchebagandhermotherwasn’texactlytryingtocomforther.Insteadshewas
makingeveryoneinthehouserelivetheexperienceoverandover.Sympathyforwhatshemustbegoing
throughwonoutovermyaggravationandIwalkedoverandsatdownnexttoher.
“SorryIleftyouherewiththemsolong.IendeduphangingoutatSawyer’slaterthanIintended.”Not
exactlytruebutthatwasallsheneededtoknow.Adreamysmilelitherfaceandshedroppedhergaze
backtothealbuminherlap.IglanceddownandsawitopenedtoapictureofSawyeronthebeach.His
suntannedchestwasglisteningwithwaterandhehadthesillygrinonhisfacethatalwaysremindedmeof
whenwewerekids.
“You’re so lucky, Ash. Sawyer has to be the most beautiful guy in the world. I remember wishing I
couldswitchplaceswithyouwhenwewerekidsbecauseyougottoplaywithhimandhiscousinallthe
time.Evenbackthenhewassochivalrousandhandsome.”
Chivalrousandhandsome?Whousesthosewordstodescribeboys?Mymommaybe.Ishookmyhead
andfloppeddownonthebed.
“He’snotperfect,”Ireplied,shockingmyself.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeI’dadmittedSawyerVincent
had flaws. Lana turned her head to look back at me. Both of her auburn eyebrows were raised up in
question.
“Nooneisperfect,Lana.”
Sheseemedtothinkaboutitforamomentthenturnedtostudymyalbumsomemore.
“I guess that’s true. Once I used to think my daddy was perfect.” She trailed off. My heart twisted a
little at the hurt sound in her voice. I didn’t know if she wanted to talk about it or forget it. Since her
motheryappedaboutitallthetimeIwouldthinkshe’dwanttoforget.
“Theothercousin.Whatwashisname?BillorBen?”
“Beau,”Ireplied,curiousastowhatshewasgoingtosay.
“That’s right. Ugh, I remember the time Beau handcuffed me to the chain-link fence where Sawyer’s
daddy kept his hunting dogs. I was terrified of being so close to the gate. I remember thinking those
snarlingdogsweregoingtosomehowgnawmyhandoffthroughthefence.”
IchuckledatthememoryandLanatwirledaroundonthebedandfrownedatme.
“Itisn’tfunny.YouknowI’mscaredsillyofdogs.Andthatawfulboymademesing‘I’maLittleTea
Pot’tothetopofmylungsoverandover.EachtimehetoldmetosingitlouderifIwantedtogetfree.
AndthelouderIgottheangrierthedogsgot.Itwashorrible.”Shestoppedandasoftsmiletouchedher
lips,erasingthepreviousfrown.“ThenSawyershowedupandscoldedBeauthenunhand-cuffedme.You
finallypoppedupoutofnowhereaboutthattimeandmadeupsomelameexcuseaboutneedingBeau’s
helpwithsomething.Thetwoofyoutookoffrunningwithyourgigglestrailingbehindy’all.Sawyerjust
shookhisheadashewatchedy’alltakeoffandapologizedforhiscousin.Hewassosweet.”
I’dforgottenthatescapade.WehadsomanyIcouldn’trememberthemall.ButhearingLanaretellitI
laughedoutloudremembering.I’dbeenhidingbehindthebigol’oaktreejustafewfeetaway.Beauhad
toldmetostayoutofsightincaseSawyershowedup.I’dhadtoshovemyfistinmymouthtokeepfrom
laughingoutloudatthesoundofLanasingingsoloudlyandoffkey.
“I was so sure the two of you would end up together. You’re still laughing about my torment seven
yearslater.Youtwowereevil.”
IleaneduponmyelbowsandsmiledatLana.“IfIremembercorrectlyyouhadtoldmeIwasassmelly
andstinkyasanoldfishandnoboywouldeverwanttomarryme’causeIstunkandmyhairwasalways
asstringyasamangydog’s.”
Lanablushedandcoveredhermouth.She’dobviouslyforgottenthatpart.
“Idid,didn’tI?”shereplied,lookingmortified.
Inoddedandbitbackanotherlaughattheexpressiononherface.
“Yep,youdid.Beaudidn’tlikeittoomuchsohedecidedhe’dmakeyoupayforsayingsomethingso
meantome.That’sthereasonhehandcuffedyouandmadeyousing.”
Lanagavemeaknowingsmile.“YouwerehidingbehindthetreeyoucamerunningfromwhenSawyer
showedup,weren’tyou?ThewholetimeIwasbeingtorturedyouwerelistening.”
Ilaidbackdown,slippingmyhandsbehindmyhead.
“Yep,Ihearditall.”
Apillowhitmyhead,startlingme,andIreachedfortheonebesidemetowhackbackatmygiggling
cousin.WhoknewLanacouldbesilly?
“Girls?” My mother’s voice interrupted us and we froze with pillows held high in the air ready to
pummeleachother.Momhesitatedbeforesteppinginsidethedoorway.She’dpulledherblondehairback
inaponytailandherfacewaswashedcleanofmake-up.Icouldseethestressandworryinhereyes.This
messwithmyauntwasdrainingheremotionally.
“Yes,ma’m,”Lanarepliedimmediately,droppingherpillowlikeshehadbeencaughtdoingsomething
horriblywrong.Momshiftedhergazebetweenthetwoofus.Asmiletouchedherlipswhenitbecame
apparentwewerehavingfunnotactuallyfighting.
“Sorrytointerruptthepillowfight,”shesaid,“butIneedtospeakwithAshtonaloneforafewminutes
if it’s okay, Lana.” Lana immediately nodded and scurried toward the door. “Thank you,” Mom said as
shepassedandLanamumbledsomething,keepingherheaddown.ItoccurredtomeLanathoughtIwas
gettingintroubleandIwantedtolaugh.Thegirlwasparanoid.
Ithrewthepillowinmyhandbackatmybedandsankdownontothelargesoftpurplechairbesideme.
“What’sup?”Iasked.Momtookaseatontheedgeofmybed,sittingalmostexactlylikeLanahad.Her
backwasstraightandherhandswerefoldedinherlap.IneverrealizedhowdifferentfrommyMomI
reallywas.
“Ineedyoutodomeafavor.Actually,it’safavorforLana.TomorrownightyourUncleNolanwillbe
heretotalkthingsoutwithyourAuntCarolinewhileyourfatherandIreferee.Weallbelieveitwillbe
betterifLanaisn’theretowitnesswhatissaid.Iamsureattimesit’sgoingtobeloudandemotional.
She’salreadybeenthroughsomuch.Iseenoreasontoforcehertobeexposedtothisdrama.Yourfather
andIwanttoprotectherandifyoucouldtakeheroutwithyoutomorrownightitwouldbewonderful.
I’venotforcedheruponyousinceschooljuststartedbackandyouwereawayfromSawyermostofthe
summer,butIneedyourhelpnow.”
I agreed there was no way Lana could be here for the screaming that was bound to come out of the
gathering tomorrow night. However, I’d planned on going to the field party with Sawyer. Maybe taking
Lana wouldn’t be so bad. I’d have more chances to sneak glances at Beau with Lana around. I could
distancemyselfsomefromSawyer,usingmyneedtomakehercomfortableasanexcuse.
“Sure.Noproblem.I’llkeepheroutlate.”
ItwasatleastanhourlaterwhenLanareturnedtomyroom.Thesolitudehadbeennice.I’dcheckedmy
emails.RespondedtoonefromLeann.ThenI’dcurleduponmybedandlistenedtomyfavoriteplaylist.
WhenLanaquietlysteppedintomyroomshewasalreadyinherpajamasandherhairhunginthick,wet
locksthatframedherpaleface.I’dalwaysenviedherprettyredhair.HerpaleskinandfrecklesIcould
dowithoutbutherhairIenvied.ReachingupIpulledtheearbudsfrommyear.
“Hey,”shesaid,walkingovertothetwinmattressonthefloorbesidemybed.
“Hey,” I replied, wondering what had put the sad expression on her face. Knowing my aunt, she had
toldLanaaboutherdadcomingtomorrownight.Thewomanwasasdumbasaboxofrocks.Howshe
wasbloodrelatedtomymotherwasbeyondme.
“You okay?” I asked as she pulled back the quilt on her mattress and slipped under the covers. She
shruggedhershouldersthenturnedherheadtopeerupatme.
“Iknowhe’scoming.”Inodded.Ifiguredasmuch.“Thanksfortakingmeout.Idon’tthinkI’mreadyto
seehim.”
InawayIcouldunderstand.He’dnotonlybetrayedhermother,he’dbetrayedhertoo.I’dbefurious
withmydadfordoingsomethinglikethat.Butthenitwouldn’tmakemestoplovinghimandmissinghim.
Lanahadn’tseenherdadinoveraweek.Surelyshemissedhim.Evenalittle.
“Willyoueverbereadytoseehim?”Iasked,wonderingifIshouldjustkeepmymouthshut.Shedidn’t
respondrightawayandIwasbeginningtothinkshewasn’tgoingto.
“Someday.Justnotyet,”shewhisperedagainstthequilttouchingherchin.
Ilaiddownonmypillowandstaredupattheceiling.Myparentsmightdrivemecrazywiththeirneed
formetobeperfectbutatleastthey’dneverputmethroughthepainIknewLanamustbeexperiencing.
Chapter17
Beau
I decided to completely end things with Nicole. She wasn’t taking it well but Nicole wasn’t used to
rejection.Isteppedintotheclearingandtheloudmusicandfamiliarsmellofburningpecanwoodgreeted
me.IheardmynameshoutedafewtimesingreetingbutIdidn’tpayattentiontowhoitwas.Iwasn’there
tonighttosocialize.I’dcomeforonereason.TherewereotherthingsIcouldhavedonetonight.Butother
thingsdidn’tincludegettingaglimpseofAshton.Myworldrevolvedaroundseeingher.IfIknewshewas
goingtobesomewhere,Iwent.ItwastothepointwhereIwasconsideringgoingtochurchonSunday.I
knew from hearing Sawyer talk about it, Ash sang solos most Sundays for the choir. I hadn’t heard her
sweetvoicesinginyears.
“Is it true? Did you really break things off with Nicole?” I turned to see Kyle Jacobson walking up
besidemegrinning.He’dalwayshadathingforNicole.Iwasabouttomakehisnight.
“Yep,”Ireplied,reachingforadixiecupandfillingitupwithcoldbeerfromthekeg.
“Soisshefreegameorareyougoingtobustaguyupifhegoesafterher?”
Itookaswigofthebeerandchuckled.I’dactuallypaysomeonetogetheroffmyback.Themoment
she realized I’d ditched her because I was in love with Ashton her claws were going to come out. I
couldn’tletherhurtAsh.
“Man,she’safreebird.Pleasebemyguest.”
Kyleslappedmeontheback.“HOTDAMN.”
Ifheonlyknew.Thegirlhadissuesamilelong.Inoddedandcontinuedtodrinkmybeer,scanningthe
crowdforanysignofAsh.
The moment she stepped into the clearing holding Sawyer’s hand my heart sped up. Just seeing her
mademealittlecrazy.IhatedseeingherhandtuckedinSawyer’sbutshewasn’tpayinganyattentionto
Sawyer.Shewassearchingthecrowd,forme.Ithrewmycupinthetrashcanandmademywayoverto
them.OnceIsteppedoutoftheshadowshereyesfoundmineandapleasedsmileliftedthecornersofher
mouth. Desire curled in my gut, making it hard not to go jerk her away from Sawyer and claim her as
mine.Heshouldn’tbetouchingher.
“Sawyer,”Isaid,noddingtomycousinbeforeallowingmyselftostareatAshtonsomemore.Thetight
jeans she wore clung to her hips while her flat, tanned stomach played peek-a-boo with the hem of her
palebluetanktop.Iknewexactlyhowsoftthatlittlestripofskinfeltagainstmyfingers.Iliftedmyeyes
fromherstomachtomeethergaze.“Ash.”Iwatchedherblushprettilythenduckherheadandglanceover
atthepersonstandingbesideherthroughherloweredlashes.Ifollowedhergazeandsawwhocouldonly
beagrown-upversionofLana.ShesmiledatmebutIcouldseeitwasforced.Ittookallmyrestraintto
holdbackachuckle.I’dtormentedthegirlwhenwewerekidsbutshewasalwayssomeantoAsh.
“Beau,yourememberLana.Ibelieveyouoncehandcuffedhertothedogfenceandforcedhertosing
loudlyforherrelease.”
Ashton’sintroductionmademelaugh.Icouldn’tstopmyselfthistime.IrememberseeingAshton’shead
fullofblondecurlspeekingaroundthetreetrunkatme,coveringhermouthashershouldershookfrom
laughter.I’dbeensoproudofmyselfforavengingherhonorandmakingherlaughallatthesametime.I
metAshton’samusedgaze,wishingforthemillionthtimethingshadgonedifferentlyandshewasmine.
“Irememberthat.YoutormentedLanasomuchit’sawondershedidn’trunscreamingwhenshesaw
youtonight.”Sawyer’svoicestartledme.I’dforgottenhewasstandingthere.Icouldn’tthinkofmuchelse
withAshtonsmilingupatmesosweetly.
IclearedmythroatandturnedmyattentiontoLana.“Ah,yes,butIbelieveyouaskedforit.Youusedto
saysomeprettyharshthingstoAshandIneverletanyonetalktoAshthatway.”
Lanagavemeasmilethatsaidsheknewmorethansheshould.HadAshtontoldhercousinaboutus?
Theideashe’dtoldsomeoneaboutoursummertogethermademehappierthanitshould.Iwantedherto
thinkaboutit.Iwantedhertoneedtotellsomeone.Hell,Ijustwantedher.
“Where’sNicole?”Sawyerasked,glancingovermyshoulderasifexpectingNicoletolatchontomeat
anymoment.
It took all my will power not to look at Ashton when I replied, “I broke it off with Nic. Don’t care
wheresheis.”IwantedtoseeAshton’sexpression.
“Huh,really?Iwasn’texpectingthat.Sheisn’tpregnant,isshe?”Sawyer’saccusationI’dbrokenup
withNicolebecauseI’dknockedherupgratedonmynerves.Hadhealwaysassumedtheworstofme?
“No.It’sjustover,”IrepliedinahardertonethanIusuallyusedwithhim.
“Istheresomeoneelse?”Sawyerasked.
IwonderedhowhewouldreactifItoldhimhisgirlfriendwasthesomeoneelse.NodoubtI’dlosehim
forever.HisarmsnakedaroundAshton’swaist.Rightnowitwashardtorememberhewasmycousin.
AllIcouldfocusonwastheintensedesiretoripthearmhewastouchingAshtonwithoffhisbody.
“Why don’t we go join the group over there and stop giving Beau the third degree?” This time I
couldn’thelpbutlookatAshton.Asmiletouchedherlipsbeforesheturnedawayfrommeandgazedup
atSawyer.
“You’reright,baby.Icangrillhimsomeothertime,”Sawyerrepliedandwinkedatmebeforeleading
Ashtontowardthegroup.
Istoodthereunabletofollowthem.Seeinghercuddledupagainsthissidewaspainful.Breakingup
withNichadbeenthefairthingtodosinceIwasonlyusinghertocopebutnowtherewasnodistraction
tokeepmefromwatchingSawyerwithAsh.
“ThismaynotbemybusinessbutthewayyouandAshtonkeepstaringateachotherlikeyouwantto
takeabiteisgoingtoeventuallytipyourcousinoff.He’satrustingpersonbutIdon’tthinkhe’sstupid.”
IjerkedmygazeoffofAshtonandSawyer’sretreatingformsandturnedtoseeLanastillstandingthere,
frowningatmewithherhandsonherhips.Whatdidsheknow?
“You’reright,itisn’tyourbusiness,”Isnappedandstartedtowardthekeg.Ineededanotherdrink.
Ashton
SawyerwasgoingoutofhiswaytomakesureLanafeltcomfortablewitheveryone.Hehadintroduced
hertothemaincoreofhisfriendsandevengonetogetherasoda.Itdidn’tbotherme.Infactitgaveme
timetowatchBeauwithoutdistraction.NothavingNicolewrappedaroundhimwasareliefbutitalso
madeitalmostimpossibletotakemyeyesoffofhim.Beaucaughtmestaringandwinked.Ibitmybottom
liptokeepfromlaughing.Asharpelbownudgedmeintheribs,causingmetogaspandspinaroundto
findthepersontheboneyarmwasattachedto.Lanawassmilinginnocentlyatme.
“You’rebeingobvious,”shehissed,keepingafakesmileonherface.Hermeaning,however,sunkin.
“I need to go to the car and get my phone. My mom’s probably called me ten times by now,” Lana
announced.
“I’llgowithyou,”Iquicklyreplied,glancingupatSawyerwhoseemedpleasedIwasbeingnicetomy
cousin.Iusedtoseekoutthissortofapprovalfromhimbutnowitannoyedme.IfIdidn’tlikemycousin,
I’dstomponherfootjusttopisshimoff.
Once we were safely out of the clearing and headed for the car Lana stopped walking and turned to
glareatme.“You’veabouttenminutesorsotogetyourselftogetherbeforeyourknightinshiningarmor
comeslookingforus.I’mgoingtogogetmyphoneandmakeafewphonecalls.”
Ifrowned.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“ImeanyouneedtostopopenlyflirtingwithBeauwhiletheentirefootballteamisaroundtowitness
it.It’slikeyoutwothinkyou’retheonlyonesoutthere.Weallhaveeyes,youknow.”
Shespunaroundandheadeddeeperintothepecanorchardtowardtheparkedcars.
“She’s got a point but it’s my fault.” Beau’s voice should have startled me but it didn’t. Somehow I
knewhe’dfindawaytogetmealone.
“Yes,itprobablyis,”IsaidteasinglyasIturnedaroundtomeethisgaze.
Beautookasteptowardmethenranhishandthroughhishair,mutteringacurse.
“Iwanttoriphisdamnarmsoffhisbody,Ash.Sawyer,whoI’ddoanythingfor.Iwanttohurthim.If
hetouchesyouagaininfrontofmeI’mgoingtocrack.Ican’ttakethis.”
I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I’d done this. My need to be
nearBeauhadcreatedthisimpossiblesituation.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered against his chest, wishing I could make this all go away. He sighed and
wrappedhisarmsaroundme,pullingmetighterupagainsthim.
“Don’tbesorry.Justtrynottolethimtouchyou.WhenhetouchesyouIseered.Ican’ttakeit.Idon’t
wanttoseehimoranyoneelsetouchyou.”
I pulled back just enough so I could gaze up at him. His jaw was clenched tightly. Knowing he was
thinkingofSawyerwithsuchferocitymademefeelsoguilty.Ihadn’twantedtocomebetweenthemyetI
wasdoingitanyway.
“WhatcanIdotomakethisright,Beau?Idon’twanttocomebetweeny’all.It’sthemainreasonI’m
doingthis.He’syourfamily.”
Beauslippedhisfingersintomyhairandcradledmyhead.
“Stayingwithhim.Lettinghimtouchyou,holdyou—GOD.It’seatingmealive.Youmaybekeeping
Sawyerfromhatingmebutyou’reonlymakingmehatehim.”
Ireachedupandclaspedhisarms,pullingthemawayfrommyheadasIsteppedback.Tearsblurred
myvision.“WhatamIsupposedtodo,Beau?Youtellme.WhatamIsupposedtodo?”
Heopenedhismouthtorespondandcloseditashiseyessettledonsomethingovermyleftshoulder.A
possessivegleamcameintohiseyesasiftowarnoffanypredatorsthatmightgetnearwhatwashis.I
knew without turning around who he was glowering at so fiercely. I didn’t glance back at Sawyer. I
wasn’tsurewhattosay.
“What’sgoingon?Ashtonneveryellsatpeople.Whatinthecrapdidyoudotoher,Beau?”
“It’smyfault.”Lana’svoicehadmesnappingmyheadupfrommydefeatedstanceasIturnedtogawk
ather.
“What?”BeauandSawyersaidatthesametime.
Lanagaveusalladramaticsighandshruggedhershoulders.“BeauwasflirtingwithmeandAshdidn’t
likeit.Shethinksheisn’tgoodenoughformeorsomething.TheystartedbickeringwhenshetoldBeauto
leavemealone.”
Icouldn’tbelievemyears.HadLanajustliedsobelievablyformeandBeau?
Shesmiledandnibbledonherfingernaillikesomeflirtybimboandsmirked.“What?Mightaswelltell
himthetruth.Youdon’tthinkhiscousinisworthyofyourcousin.”
I tore my gaze off my shy, meek cousin-turned-drama-queen to study Sawyer’s face. Was he actually
fallingforthis?Surelynot.HewasfrowningatBeau.
“Beau,leaveAsh’scousinalone.She’snotoneofyourone-nighters.Gofindsomeotherreboundgirl.
There’snousegettingAshallworkedupoverthis.”
Unbelievable.
IglancedoveratBeauandhisexpressiontoldmehewaspastfurious.HewasreadytokillSawyer.I
steppedinbetweenthem,puttingmybacktoSawyerandpleadingwithBeausilently.Imouthedtheword
‘please’andwatchedtheangereasesomebeforeheturnedandstalkedoffdeeperintothepecanorchard.
IneededtomakesurehewasokaybutIcouldn’tdothatwithSawyerstandingbehindmewaitingfor
metoreturntothefieldwithhim.Backtoplayingpretend.Backtobeingmiserable.
“Youokay?”Sawyerasked,closingthedistancebetweenusandtakingbothmyhandsinhis.
No.Iwasn’tokay.Iwasnevergoingtobeokay.Beauwasoffinthedark,upsetandangry.Iwasstuck
herepretendingwithSawyer.ANDI’dmademysaintofacousinlieforme.
“Ijustwanttogohome.I’mnotfeelingwell,”Isaid,hopingSawyerdidn’treadanymoreintoit.
“Ofcourse.Noproblem.”SawyerturnedhisheadtowardLana.“Youokay?SorryaboutBeau.Hecan
bedifficultattimes.Justoverlookhim.”
“That’sokay.I’mfine,really,”Lanareplied.Icouldheartheguiltinhervoice.Thiswasgoingtoeat
herup.SheadoredSawyer.Knowingthatshe’dwillinglyliedtohimformemademyeyessting.Iwas
causingeveryonearoundmepain.Allmybaddecisionsweresnowballing.AtsomepointIwasgoingto
havetotaketheblameanddealwiththeconsequences.Icouldn’tkeeplettingpeopleIcaredabouttake
theblowsforme.Ididn’tlikethepersonIwasbecoming.
Chapter18
Aswesteppedintomybedroom,Ireachedforthelightswitch.Lanawalkedaroundmeanddroppedher
purseonmydresserthenleveledmewithafrown.Shehadn’tsaidanythingontheridehome.I’dbeen
forcedtocarryonaconversationwithSawyerasifnothinghadhappened,whileshesatsilentlyinthe
back.Apparently,nowshewasreadytotalk.
“IdidthatforyoutonightnotbecauseIthinkwhatyou’redoingisrightorwrongbutbecauseIthink
youneededawake-upcall,notacrucifixion.”Iraisedmyeyebrowsatherexplanation.“Sawyer’sagood
guy.HeandBeauhavealwaysbeenclose.Icanrememberhowthickasthievesyouthreewereaskids.I
envied your friendship with those boys. Y’all had something special. Something unique. I couldn’t just
standthereandletitallcomecrumblingdown.Besides,fromthelookonBeau’sfaceI’mafraidhewould
havekilledSawyerwithhisbarehandshadSawyersaidthewrongthing.”
Isankdownontomybedandburiedmyheadinmyhands.Thiswasadisaster.Shewasright.Iwas
ruiningalifetimefriendship.“WhatdoIdo?”Iasked,knowingshedidn’thavethemagicalanswereither.
Lana sat down beside me and patted my back. Which made me feel even worse. Here I was having a
breakdown over two guys and she’d been out with me tonight because her cheating father had come to
faceherobnoxiousmother.Inthegrandschemeofthingsherproblemsweremuchbigger.
“Youchooseoneandlettheotheronego.”
Itsoundedincrediblysimpleyetitwasimpossible.Didn’tsheseethat?
“I can’t. Whoever I choose, one of them will hate the other and possibly me. Choosing one of them
won’tfixanything.”
“You’reright.Itwon’t.Youneedtoletthembothgo.Ifyouletthembothgothenonedayyouallwill
haveachanceoffindingthefriendshipthisisdestroying.”
Ihatedthatherwordsmadesense.IneededtobreakupwithSawyerandwethreeallneededtomove
on.MychestconstrictedatthethoughtofwalkingawayfromBeau.Ofnothavinghisarmsaroundmeor
burying my face in his chest. But I couldn’t have him. Having him would eventually mean losing him.
He’dnevergetoverlosingSawyer.Me,hecouldlivewithout.AhottearrolledoffmychinandIreached
upandwipeditaway.I’dmadethismess;itwasonlyrightIfixit.
“You’reright,”Iwhispered,staringstraightahead,“butIwishyouweren’t.”
Asoftknockonthedoorremindedmeoftheotherissuesgoingoninthehousetonight.Ireachedover
andsqueezedLana’shandbeforethedooropenedandhermothersteppedinside.Herhairwasthesame
colorasmineandmymother’sbutthatwasasfarasfamilyresemblancewent.Wheremymotherwasthin
and petite my aunt was heavy, big boned and wore a permanent scowl. She never seemed happy. Even
beforeshe’dcaughtherhusbandcheatingonher.Shehadn’tbeenherewhenwegothome.MomandDad
hadalsobeenmissing.Fromthesoundscomingdownthehalleveryonewasback.
“Heygirls.Um,Lana,sweetheart,let’sgotalkalittlebit,okay.”
Lana’shandsqueezedminethistimebeforelettinggoandstandingup.IfmyauntwouldletmeI’dgo
with her and hold her hand through the whole conversation. Lana had ended up being the friend I so
desperatelyneededthispastweek.MydoorclosedbehindthemandIlaidbackonmybedandwhispered
alittleprayerforLana.Godknowssheneedsitwithamamalikehers.
Beau:I’msorryabouttonight.Ishouldhaveprotectedyou.
Hewastakingtheblameforsomethingthatwasmyfault.Ihadtofindawaytostopthis.
Me:Youdidnothingwrong.Thiswasmydecision.ThissummerIletthishappen.Ican’tchange
thewayIfeelbutIcancontrolhowIhandlethings.I’mdoingitallwrong.
Beau:Whatdoyoumean?Whatareyougoingtodo?
I wasn’t sure yet. I had to think about that some more. Telling Beau I was breaking up with Sawyer
wasn’tthekindofthingIneededtotexthim.
Me:Idon’tknow.I’mthinkingaboutthings.
Iwaited,butafterafewminutesandnoresponse,Ilaythephonedownbesideme.IfIcouldgoback
andchangeitall,wouldI?
Beau:Iloveyou.
Thewarmththatfloodedmeansweredmyquestionforme.No.I’dnevertakebackonemomentofthis
summerI’dhadwithBeau.Closingmyeyes,Idriftedofftosleep.
I’mgrowingwearyofgoodbyes.Lanaandhermotherstoodatourfrontdoorwiththeirsuitcasesinhand.
Myauntwasheadedbackhometotakemyuncletothecleaner’sinwhatwouldbeanuglydivorce.Lana
hadalotofdramaandpainaheadofher.I’dbeggedhertojuststayherewithus.Shecouldletherparents
battleitoutwithoutheraroundbutshesaidhermotherneededherrightnow.InawayIunderstoodbut
thenIwonderedifIhadbeeninLana’sshoes,wouldIbesokind?Shewasreallythebetterperson.Iwas
theselfishbrat.
“I’mgoingtomissyou,”Isaid,wishingmyvoicedidn’tsoundsoforlorn.Strangehowyoucanthink
someoneisruiningyourlifeandtheyendupbeingyourfriend.I’dbeensoupsetoverhavingtosharemy
space and listen to my aunt I hadn’t realized I had a friend right under my nose when I needed one the
most.Istillneededher.
“I’m going to miss you too. Keep me updated on your . . . life,” she said with a small lift to her
eyebrows.
Inoddedthenleanedintohugher.“Thankyou,”Iwhisperedinherear.
“You’rewelcome,”shewhisperedback.
“I’msogladyougirlshavebondedagainafteralltheseyears.We’llhavetocomebackandvisitagain
soon.AfterIgetthroughthedivorceandall.MaybeIcanusemyextramoneytotakethetwoofyouona
cruise. Wouldn’t that be fun?” my aunt said. It took all my will power not to recoil at her suggestion.
TherewasnowayIwasgoingonatripwiththatcrazywoman,muchlessashipwhereitwasimpossible
torunawayfromher.ThesmirkonLana’sfacehadmeforcingbackagiggle.Sheknewgoodandwell
therewasnowayIwasgoingonatripwithhermama.
“Alrighty’all,we’llbeintouch,”myauntsaidbrightlyandturnedtoheadouttoherLincolnTownCar.
Istoodwatchingasmydadhelpedthemloadtheirluggageintothetrunkandmymotherhuggedandtalked
tohersister.Lanawavedatmefromthepassengerseat.Myroomwouldbequietandallmineagain...
butthatnolongersoundedappealing.
Therearesomethingsyoudon’texpecttoseeandBeauVincentsaunteringintothechurchonaSunday
morningisoneofthem.Finishingmysolohadn’tbeeneasy.Myeyeswantedtoeathimupsittingaloneon
thebackpewwithhisjeansonandasnug-fittingnavy-bluepolostretchedacrosshisbroadchest.
Sawyerhadn’tnoticedhiscousin,sincehewasonthesecondrowtothefront.I’dbeensittingonthat
rowsinceIwasalittlegirl.Myparentsexpectedmeeitheronthefirstorsecondpew.Icouldn’tgoback
anyfurther.Sawyernevercomplained.EverySundayhewasrighttherewaitingonmetofinishsingingin
thechoir.
MygazedriftedbacktomeetBeau’seventhoughIknewitwasabadidea.Hewasliabletomakeme
forgetthewords.Aslow,titillatinggrintouchedhislips.Thesanctuarysuddenlyfeltahundreddegrees.
MyfaceflushedandItoremyeyesoffhimandhisdelectablemouth.SomehowImanagedtofinishthe
wordstoHowGreatThouArtwithoutmessingup.Thechoirbegantoexitthroughthesidedoorsofthe
stageandInormallyjustmademywaydowntomypew.Today,however,Ineededabreather.Ifellin
behindMaryHillandletoutasighofreliefasIsteppedintothewarmsunshine.
“Youleaving?”JasonTibbsasked,stickinghispimplyfaceoutthedoorandfrowningatme.Hisdad
was the associate pastor so he felt our meager relationship gave him the right to question my actions.
InsteadofinsultinghimItookadeepbreaththenforcedasmileandglancedbackathim.
“No,myheadishurting.Ineededtotakeaquietbreak.”
He grinned, showing way too much gum and flashing his crooked overbite. His dad really needed to
sendtheboytoanorthodontistandadermatologist.
“Okay,I’llleavethedoorunlockedthensoyoudon’thavetowalkallthewayaroundthebuildingto
getbackinside.”
Inoddedandsaidanobligatory‘thanks’.
The door closed quietly behind him and I knew I had limited time before people started noticing me
missingfromthesecondrow.
“Youhidingoutherebecauseofme?”
Beau’svoicestartledagaspoutofme.Hislonglegsateupthegrassasheclosedthedistancebetween
us.Icouldn’tkeepfromoglinghim.ItwasjustunfairforsomeonetolookthatgoodinapairofLevi’s.
“Noresponsemeansyes,”hesaidwithasmirkonhisfaceashecametoastopmereinchesfromme.
HeknewIwaslustingandhelikedit.DeterminedtoregainsomeofmydignityIstraightenedmyposture
andflippedmyhairbackovermyshoulderswhilepeeringupathim.
“IalwayscomeoutheretogetsomefreshairbeforeIgositdownforanhourofpreaching,”Ilied.
Beauchuckledandreachedouttotracealinefrommyeartomylips.“Whydon’tIbelieveyou?”he
asked.Hisvoicehaddeepenedashestudiedmymouth.AllIcouldmanagewasashrug.Histhumbwas
delicately brushing over my bottom lip as if he were asking for admittance, and I was lost. We were
standingrightoutsidethechurchwhereanyonecouldwalkoutandcatchusbutallIcouldthinkaboutwas
pressingmylipsagainsthis.Beauwasbecominganecessityandnothingaboutsucharevelationcouldbe
consideredpositive.
“Beau,whatareyoudoing?”Icroakedout.
“Yeah,Beau,I’dliketoknowthesamething,”saidavoicethatdidn’tbelongtoBeau.
Several things happened at once. Beau’s thumb stopped its caressing but he didn’t drop his hand. I
couldfeelhisbodytenseatthesoundofSawyer’svoice.WhatIshouldhavedoneandwhatIdiddowere
intwodifferentstratospheres.BecausesteppingbackandputtingdistancebetweenBeauandmewould
be the logical, intelligent thing to do. Reaching out and grabbing his arm and squeezing it was my
immediatereaction.
“Areeitherofyougoingtospeakorjustcontinuegawkingateachother?”
ThehardedgetoSawyer’svoicewokemeupoutofthetranceI’dbeeninandIdroppedmyhandfrom
Beauandtookseveralstepsback.IfSawyerwasexpectedtokeephiscoolthenweneededtoputsome
spacebetweenthetwoofus.Beau’seyesboreintome.Hewassilentlypleadingwithme.Icouldalmost
hear his thoughts. Then he turned to face his cousin. This was the confrontation I’d hoped would never
happen.
“Whatexactlyareyouinsinuating,Sawyer?”BeauaskedinadeadlycalmtoneIknewhe’dneverused
withSawyer.
“Oh,Idon’tknow,cuz,maybethefactIcameoutheretolookformygirlfriendandIfoundherbeing
mauledbyyou.”
Beautookastepforwardandalowgrowlrumbledinhischest.Iranupandgrabbedhisarmwithboth
myhands.Thisprobablydidn’thelpSawyer’stemperanybutitkeptBeaufrompummelinghisfacein.
BothboyswereinshapebutBeauhadthemarketonbadass.Icouldn’tlethimdosomethinghe’dnever
forgivehimselffor.
Sawyerstaredfixedlyatme.Icouldonlyimaginewhatwasgoingthroughhishead.ThesadthingwasI
knewhewouldn’tevengetclosetothetruth.SawyerwouldneverimagineI’dlostmyvirginitytoBeauin
thebedofatruck.
“Wanttotellmewhat’sgoingon,Ash?”Therewashurtinhisvoice.IhatedknowingthewordsIhad
tosaytohimwouldn’terasethisbutonlymakeitworse.IpushedBeaubehindmeasIsteppedinfront.
“Goonhome,Beau.SawyerandIneedtotalkandIdon’twantyouhere.”TurningbacktoseeBeau’s
reaction was tempting but I didn’t do it. Instead I kept my eyes on Sawyer, praying silently that Beau
heededmyordersandleft.ItwastimeIfinishedthisandsavedtheirfriendshipbeforeitwastoolate.
“Idon’twanttoleaveyoualone,”herepliedwithsteellacedthroughhiswords.
“Beau,please.Youaren’thelpingmatters.Justgo.”
Sawyernevertookhiseyesoffme.Hewastryingsohardtoreadbetweenthelines.Iwouldhaveto
tellhimsometruths.ButjustenoughtokeepfromdestroyinghisrelationshipwithBeau.
ThecrunchofthedrygrassunderBeau’sbootstoldmehe’dgrantedmywishandwasheadedforhis
truck.I’dwonthatbattle.Now,thebiggestonewasstaringmeinthefaceandIhadnoideawhatIwas
goingtosay.
Chapter19
“Startatthebeginning,Ash,andtellmeeverything.”
There was no way I’d tell him everything. I stared out at the road as Beau’s truck drove away. The
silencewasdeafeningasSawyerwaitedformetospeak.
“This summer, Beau and I rekindled our friendship. We were close once, Sawyer, you know that.” I
pausedandtookadeepbreath.“Heunderstandsme.HeknowswhenI’mfullofbullcrapandheknows
I’m not perfect even though I try really hard to be. With Beau I can let myself go and not worry about
losinghisfriendship.”
“So,thisisafriendsthing?Becausethewayhewascaressingyourmouthandeatingyouupwithhis
eyesIfindthatalittlehardtobelieve.”
“AllitcaneverbewithBeauisfriendship.Heknowsthat.Beauisaffectionate.Hetouchesalotof
girls’lips.”
SawyerraisedhiseyebrowsasifhethoughtwhatIwassayingwasludicrous.
“Idon’tknowifwe’retalkingaboutthesameguybutBeau,mycousinBeau,doesn’tlonginglygazeat
anyonethewayIjustcaughthimstaringatyou.You’retoonaivetoseeitbuttrustme,baby,hewantsyou
andI’mgoingtokickhisass.”
Okay,thatwasn’twhatI’dbeenaimingfor.BlameonmenotBeau.Ineededtoredirectthisangerof
his.
“Youmisunderstoodwhatyousaw.HewastryingtotalkmeoutofwhatI’ddecidedtodotoday.He
believes you and I are supposed to be forever. I don’t think so. We’re young and I need space. I’m not
ready to talk about marrying you one day. That scares me. There is so much life out there to live first.
BeauthinksI’mmakingamistakebecausehethinksyou’rethebestthingthathaseverhappenedtome.
Whatyousawwasyourcousintryingtopersuademenottobreakupwithyou.”
ThelookofdisbeliefandshockthatcameoverSawyer’sfacewasalittleinsulting.Whywasitsohard
forhimtobelieveI’dbreakupwithhim?
“You,you’re...breakingupwithme?”Heshookhisheadandsteppedbackawayfromme.Hisface
hadgonepaleasifI’djusttoldhimhe’dneverplayfootballagain.Thiswasn’ttheendoftheworld.
“Ipretendwithyou,Sawyer.I’mnotthegoodgirlyouthinkIam.YoulovethisfakeAshton.I’vebeen
strivingtobeworthyofyouforsolongandI’mexhausted.Idon’tlikereturningthestupidbuggiestothe
returnplaceintheparkinglotandIdon’tlikefeelingasifIhavetobegoodSamaritantoeveryoneIcome
across.SometimesIjustwanttorunoffandworryaboutME.I’mselfishandorneryandjustabigol’
fake.Thisgirlyouloveandwanttomarrydoesn’texist.”
Itwasasifaweighthadjustbeenliftedoffmyshoulders.Theairrushedintomylungsandforthefirst
timeinthreeyearsItookadeepbreath.
“That’scrazy,”Sawyersaid,shakinghishead.IwassoclosetofreedomnowIcouldtasteit.Standing
here and listening to him try to convince me I didn’t know what I was talking about annoyed me. But I
couldcontrolthisnow.TherealAshtonhadabackbone.
“No,it’sthetruth.Iwanttogoparkingandmakeoutsoheavymybragetslostundertheseatofthecar.
IwanttoflipNicoleabirdwhensheglaresatmeinthehallwaysatschool.AndIwanttowearmyred
bikiniandenjoythefactguysarecheckingmeout.I’mnotwhoyouthinkIam.IneverwasandInever
willbe.”
Iclosedthespacebetweenusandstoodonmytippytoesandplacedaquickpeckonhischeek.The
familiarsmellofhiscolognecausedmychesttotightenwithemotion.I’dmisshimbutnotenoughtobe
someone else to have him. He saw me differently now. I could see it in his expression. The emotion
churning in his blue eyes as he finally saw me for who I really am was bittersweet. I spun around and
joggedouttomyJetta.WithoutanotherglancebackIdroveoff.ForthefirsttimeeverIleftchurchbefore
itwasover.
Leannwassittingonthefrontstepsofthethree-storyancientbrickdormitoryshe’dbeenplacedinthis
yearwhenIpulledintotheparkinglot.FromhereIcouldseehernibblingonherrightthumbnail.Leann
only mauled her thumb nail when she was nervous. I’d been vague on my reason for coming when I’d
calledonceIdecidedwhereIwasgoingtogo.Iswoopedintoanemptyparkingspot.Tellingsomeone
everything had become essential on my drive up here. I needed to get this off my chest. A tap on my
windowstartledmeandIglancedovertoseeLeannstillnibblingherthumbnailwithafrownpuckering
herbrow.ForcingasmileIopenedthedoorandshesteppedbacksoIcouldgetout.
“IswearIthinkIgrewgreyhairwaitingonyoutogethere,”shesaid,reachingformyarmandpulling
meintoahug.“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehereandIcan’tbelieveyouleftchurchearlywithouttellinganyone
whereyouweregoing.”
Ipulledbackandmethergaze.“Ididn’ttellyouthat.”
She rolled her big brown eyes and hooked her arm through mine, steering me toward the dorm.
“Sweetie,themomentitwasapparentyouweren’treturningtothechurchserviceIreceivedatextfrom
myAuntLindaandKaylathenKyleposteditonhisFacebookwall.”
I groaned and laid my head over on her shoulder. Leann patted my arm and led me over to sit at a
secludedbenchplacedintheshadeofalargeoaktree.Ploppingdownshepattedtheemptyspotbeside
her.“Comeonandspill.Thesuspenseiskillingme.Neverhaveyoubeenthecauseofgossip.Thishas
gottobegood.”
I shifted on the wooden sit and studied my hands in my lap. Admitting this was one thing. Actually
lookingLeanninthefacewhileIsharedallmyfaultswithherwasanother.We’dbeenfriendsforthree
yearsandnotonetimehadIevermentionedevenamildattractiontoBeau.
“YouknowBeauandIwerecloseaskids...”Idecidedtostartthere.Itseemedlikethebestplace.
“OhgoodGod,youmeantotellmethishassomethingtodowithBEAU?BeauVincent?”
Icringedandnoddedmyheadwithoutglancingupather.
“Yes,ithaseverythingtodowithBeau,”Iwhispered.
Leann’shandcoveredmineandItooksomecomfortinthegesture.
“Ohmydearlord,thisisgonnabemuchworsethanIimagined,”shereplied.
“ThissummerBeauandIstartedspendingtimetogether.YouwerewithNoahorworkingandSawyer
wasgone.IthoughtitwouldbegoodtorekindlethefriendshipBeauandIonceshared.”
LeannsqueezedmyhandsandIcontinuedtoexplainhowwe’dgoneswimmingatthehole,watcheda
movieatmyhouse,playedpoolatthebarwherehismotherworked,andthenIpaused,knowingwhatI
toldhernextwasgoingtobehardforhertocomprehend.Afterall,Iwasthegoodgirl.
“Thatnightinthebackofhistruck,BeauandI...we...”Iswallowedhardandsqueezedmyeyes
shut,“hadsex.”
Leannletgoofmyhandsandslippedherarmaroundmyshoulderinstead.
“Wow,”washeronlyresponse.
“Iknow.Itwasn’ttheonlytimeeitherand,andalthoughIknowitwon’thappenagain...Ithink...I
thinkIlovehim.MaybeIalwayshave.No.IknowIalwayshave.WhenI’mwithBeauIfeelthingsI’ve
neverfeltwithSawyer.Icanbeme.There’snopretending.Beauknowsmyworstflaws.”
“Theheartwantswhotheheartwants.Wecan’thelpthat,”Leannsaid.
Isighedandfinallyliftedmyeyestomeethers.Theunshedtearsblurredmyvision.
“ButI’veruinedhislife.AllheeverhadwasSawyer.Makenomistake,IwentafterBeau.Icanlook
backandseeitnow.Thisisallmyfault.Ishouldhavenevercomebetweenthem.”Isniffledandburied
myheadinhershoulder.
“Beaucouldhavesaidno.HeknewhewasdestroyinghisrelationshipwithSawyereverymomenthe
spentwithyou.Don’tyoutakealltheblameforthis.”ThesterntoneinLeann’svoiceonlycausedmeto
cryharder.BeauneededSawyer.Hemightnotrealizeitbuthedid.SomehowIhadtomakeitright.
“HowdoIfixthis?HowdoIhelpBeaugetSawyerback?”
“You can’t fix this for them. Beau knew what he was doing, Ash. He chose you over Sawyer. Now
you’veletSawyergo,areyougoingtochooseBeau?”
Iwipedthetearsfrommycheeksandpeeredupather.“ChoosingBeauwillcauseeveryoneinGrove
tohatehim.They’llallseehimastheguywhotookSawyer’sgirlaway.Ican’tdothattohim.”
Leannshrugged.“Idon’tthinkBeaucaresabouteveryoneelse.Hemadethatapparentwhenhedecided
sneakingaroundwithhiscousin’sgirlwaswhathewantedtodo.Hehastoloveyou,Ash.Neverinthis
lifetime would I have thought Beau would do anything to hurt Sawyer. He loves him. So that can only
meanhelovesyoumore.”Shereacheddownandpattedmyshoulder.“Questionis,doyoulovehimas
fiercely?Areyouwillingtosnubyournoseatyourfamilyandthepeopleintowninordertohavehim?”
Chapter20
Beau
“Well, hell has done froze slap over. Sawyer Vincent is walking into a bar.” My mama’s voice carried
loud and clear over the empty room. I sat the beer down I’d been nursing since walking in here five
minutesago.AshtonwasnowheretobefoundsoIcameherehopingshewaslookingformetoo.
“I’mnothereforasocialvisit,AuntHoney.Icametoseemyback-stabbinglyingSOBofacousin.”
Mamaletoutalowwhistleandshookherhead.“Ishouldaknownbetterthantobelieveyouknewall
aboutBeauandAshtongalavantingaroundtowntogether.”
“Shut up, Mom,” I said without glancing her way. I kept my eyes on Sawyer. The hatred in his eyes
wasn’tsomethingI’deverimaginedseeingdirectedmyway.EventhoughIknewIdeserveditIstillhada
hard time swallowing it. His hair was tucked behind his ears and his teeth were so tightly clenched I
couldseehisjawtick.
“Isshehere?”Sawyerasked,scanningtheemptybar.He’dthoughtshewouldcometometoo.
“No.”
“Whereisshe?”
“Idon’tknow.”
Sawyerstalkedtowardme.God,Ididn’twanttohithim.IjustwantedAsh.TherealAsh.Theonehe
didn’tknow.Theonehe’dneverbeabletolove.
“Howcouldyoudothis,Beau?You’relikemybrother.”
Thepaininhiseyesfeltlikeaknifetwistinginmygut.Itwasn’tenoughtomakemeregretanythingbut
ithurtlikehell.
“Youdon’tknowher.Youneverdid.”
“Idon’tknowher?IDON’TKNOWHER?WhointheHELLdoyouthinkyouare,Beau?She’sbeen
mineforthreeyears.THREEYEARS.Thetwoofyouhardlyacknowledgedeachotherforthreeyears.
ThenIleaveforthesummerandyoutwomakeup?Becomefriends?Whatexactlyhappened?Becausethe
bullcrapshetriedtofeedmeoutsidethechurchisn’tgonnafly.”
DidItellhimthetruth?HedeservedthetruthbutIcouldn’ttellhimeverythingwithoutAsh’sconsent.
Itwasherstorytoo.
“We got close. We spent time together. We remembered why we were so close when we were
younger.”Istoppedandstaredathim.Therewasonetruthheneededtoknow.Onetruththatwasmineto
tell.Butadmittingitwouldprobablykillanychanceofusevergettingoverthis.Itallboileddowntowho
wasmoreimportant.Mycousin.TheoneguyI’dalwaysknownwouldstandbymenomatterwhat,my
bestfriend.ThentherewasAsh.TheonepersonIcouldn’tlivewithout.Notanymore.“Iloveher.”
Sawyer’sjawdroppedthenclenchedwithinasecond.Hewasgearinguptotakeaswingatme.Icould
seeitinhisstance.
“You.Love.Her,”herepeatedinangrydisbelief.“AreyouawareIintendtomarryheroneday?What
aboutyou,Beau,huh?Youplanningonmarryingher?Movingherintoyourmama’strailer?Maybeshe
couldgetajobworkingherewithAuntHoneyonceherparentscompletelycutheroff.”
My fist slammed into his face before I knew what was happening. Sawyer staggered back, blood
trickling down his nose. A loud roar erupted from his chest and he charged at me, tackling me to the
ground.HisfistconnectedwithmyjawonlybecauseIknewIdeservedit.ButthatwasthelastlickI’d
takefromhim.Thebloodrunningdownoverhismouthnowfromhisnosehadmedoingeverythinginmy
powertoconstrainhim.Ididn’twanttohithimagainbutI’dbedamnedifI’dlethimhitme.
“Stopit,bothofyou,”MamayelledoverourgruntsbutSawyerdidn’tstoptryingtotakeswingsatme
andIdidn’tstopblockinghishits.
“You’reabastard,Beau.She’sagoodgirl.Youcan’tgiveherwhatIcan.”Sawyer’swordscausedme
totemporarilylosemycoolandmyfistplantedonthesideofhisfaceagain.Damn.Heneededtoshutthe
hellup.
“Shutup,Saw,”Iyelled,shovinghimoffmeandstandingup.
“It’strueandyouknowit.She’sjusttoostupidtorealizeit.”Hedidn’tfinishhissentencebeforeIhad
himflatonhisback,holdinghimtothegroundwithmyhandclampedoverhisthroat.
“Don’tevercallherstupidagain,”Iwarned.He’dcrossedaline.IlovedhimbutIlovedhermore.
“That’sit.Getoffhimnow,Beau.Thishasgoneonlongenough.Youtwoarelettingagirlruinyour
relationship.Neitherofy’allaregonnamarryher.You’rekids.She’ssweetandpretty,I’llgivey’allthat,
butsheain’tworththrowingawayyourfamilyfor.”
Mama stood over us, her shadow covering Sawyer’s face. I eased up on my grip around his neck in
casehewasturningblueandIcouldn’ttell.
“Heisn’tmyfamily.”Sawyer’swordsstungbutifhe’dtakenAshfrommethenI’dfeelthesameway.I
releasedmychokeholdonhimandstoodupagain,puttingdistancebetweenus.Nevertakingmyeyesoff
him.
“Sorry, kiddo, but being pissed at him over that girl don’t take away the blood running through your
veins.Y’allareandforeverwillbefamily.”
Sawyersneered,standingupandwipingthebloodfromhisnoseonhisshirtsleeve.
“He’sjustmydad’sloserbrother’sbastard.”
Ididn’treact.Hewantedmeto.ButIdidn’t.Mamaclickedhertonguelikeshedoeswhensheknows
somethingimportantnooneelsedoes.Iletmyeyesdarttowardherforasecondtoseewhatshewasup
to.
“Actually,Beauain’tyourdaddy’sbrother’sbastard.He’syourdaddy’sbastard.Thebloodinhisveins
istheverysameinyours,boy.Makenomistake’boutthat.”
FrozeninmyspotIletMama’swordssinkin.Istumbledbackwardsandgrabbedtheedgeofthepool
tableforsupportasIstaredather,waitingforsomesignthatshewaslying.
“No,”wasSawyer’sonlyresponse.
Icouldn’tlookathim.Notnow.
“Yes.Askyourdaddy.Hell,askyourmama.Thatoughttobeloadsoffun.Shehatesmeanyhow.Might
aswellmakeherhatememoreforlettin’thecatouttathebag.”
She was telling the truth. It was in her voice. I’d heard her lies all my life. I knew how to tell the
difference.
“No.You’rejustastupidwhore.Mydadwouldnever.”
MamacackledandwalkedbackaroundthebartogrababartowelthenslungitatSawyer.
“Wipe the blood off your face and go home. Once you realize I’m telling the truth then you and your
brother can work things out. Like I said, ain’t no girl worth fighting over. You might want to ask your
daddyaboutthattoo.I’msurehehasanopiniononit.Seeingastheappledon’tfallfarfromthetree.”
Whatwasshesaying?Abittersmiletouchedherlips.
“Idon’tknowwhat’sworse.Findingoutyou’rewhitetrashafterallorhavingyourmamatryandfoist
youoffonmydad.”Sawyerspatoutthewordsbeforeturningandwalkingbackoutthedoorhe’dcome
barrelingthroughonlyfifteenminutesago.
Ashton
“Well, Grana, I’m back. It’s time to face the music,” I said as I laid the single-stem pink rose on the
headstoneofmyGrana’sgrave.
I’dgotupatfourthismorningafterspendingthenightwithLeann,tomakeitbackintimeforschool.I
didn’tneedanunexcusedabsencetoaddtomylistoftransgressions.Myparentswereprobablygoingto
groundmeforlifeasitwas.
IsatdownonthewoodenbenchmymomhadtakenfrommyGrana’sporchandbroughthere.
“Imessedupbig.Youweren’theretoruntosoItookofftoLeann’s,whichprobablyonlymadethings
worse.Ievenleftchurchrightafterthechoirsolo.IdoubtMomandDadknowwhyyetbutIdon’tthinkit
reallymatters.”
ItookasipofthemochalatteI’dpickeduponmywayintotown.Schooldidn’tstartforanotherhour
andgoinghomerightnowwouldbebad.
“It’sallbecauseofBeau.Ilovehim.Crazy,huh?BeauVincent,thetownbadboyandIhavetolove
him.Me,thegirlfriendofhisbestfriendandcousin.Butheletsmebeme,Grana.Justlikeyoudid.He
isn’tbadlikeeveryonethinks.Nooneknowshisheart.Theycan’tlookpasthisfoulmouth,beerdrinking
orrebelliousattitudetoseehe’sjustaboywithoutadad.Noonereachedoutandtriedtoteachhimany
better. He was left alone to grow up. It isn’t fair. Everyone judges him knowing he had no positive
influenceinhislife.Hisunclesuredidn’ttrytocarefor,disciplineortakeaninterestinhim.Ithinkhe
turnedoutwonderfuldespitethebadhandhewasdealt.Ihatehoweveryonejudgesothersaroundhere.
TheycallthisplacetheBibleBeltbutreally,Grana,IthinktheyallneedtogoreadtheirBiblesalittle
more. I distinctly remember Jesus befriending sinners, not judging them. Beau just needs someone to
believeinhim,andIdo.”
Itookanotherlonggulpofmylatteandleanedbackonthebench.Thechurchgraveyardwasquietin
theearlymorninghour.Aschoolbuspassingwastheonlysignoflife.
Myphonedingedwithatext.Iglanceddownatitandfrowned.
Sawyer:WhereareyouandwhereisBeau?
Ihesitated,notsurehowtoanswer.ThefactBeauwasmissingbotheredmethough.
Me:I’matmyGrana’sgrave.Ihaven’tseenBeausinceheleftchurchyesterday.
Iwaitedforareplyandnonecame.Grabbingmykeysfromthebenchbesideme,Istoodup.
“Ineedtogo,Grana.Loveyou,”Isaidandblewakisstowardherheadstonebeforemakingmyway
backtothecar.
Chapter21
BeforeIcouldclosemycardoorSawyerwasinfrontofme.Helookedlikehehadn’tsleptatalllast
nightandhehadacutonhisnoseandabruiseunderhisrighteye.
“Whathappened?”
“Whereishe?”Sawyerordered,cuttingoffmyquestion.Ishookmyhead,staringupathimandtrying
tofigureoutwhyhewassodeterminedtofindBeau.
“ItoldyouIdon’tknow.IleftchurchandwenttoseeLeann.Istayedthenightatherdormandcame
backthismorning.”
Sawyermumbledsomethingthatsoundedlikeacurseandmyeyesflewopeninshock.Thesunbeamed
downonhisfaceandIcouldseeswellingalonghisrightcheekboneunderthebruise.Apparently,he’d
foundBeauyesterdayatsomepoint.
“Did Beau do that?” I reached up to touch his face and he swatted my hand away with a disgusted
sneer.
“Don’ttouchme.Youmadeyourbed,Ashton,nowyoucanlieinit.I’mnotyourstotouch.”
Hewasrightofcourse.Isimplynodded.Angerlituphisblueeyes.
“You did this, you know. He’s gone because of you. You ruined his life. I hope it was worth it.”
Sawyer’svoicewaslacedwiththeangerflashinginhiseyes.Onethingwasforsure:hehatedme.
Ididn’tnodthistime.Ijuststeppedaroundhimandwalkedaway.Ithurttoobadtoseethehatredinhis
eyesdirectedatme.IneededtofindBeau.NotcallinghimyesterdayhadbeenabadmovebutIrefusedto
believehe’drunoff.He’dbeenreadytofightforme.FromthebatteredappearanceofSawyer’sfacehe
didfightforme.Iwasreadytochoosehimovereveryoneelse.ItwastimeIthrewcautiontothewind
andwentafterwhatIwantedtoo.AndIwantedBeau.
Eighthourslater,IstoodoutsidethebarwhereHoneyVincentworked,staringatthedoor.Ihadn’tever
beenhereinthedaylight.Thepeelingpaintandbadlybeaten-updoorweren’tnoticeableinthedark.Beau
hadn’tshownupforschooltoday.PeoplewhooncespoketomeactedasifIdidn’texist.Itwouldhave
botheredmeifIhadn’tbeensoworriedaboutBeau.I’dtextedhimseveraltimesbuttherewasnevera
response.Sawyerhadonlydirectedhisangryglaremywayonce:whenhewasheadedtothefieldhouse
afterschoolhewalkedbymylockerandshookhisheadasiftoblamemeforhiscousin’sabsence.The
fearthathewasrighthadgottenstrongeralldaylong.IshouldhavecalledBeauyesterday.No,Ishould
havestayedbyhisside.Instead,atthefirstsignofstruggleIliedandran,leavinghimholdingthebag.I’m
anawfulperson.
ThedoortothebaropenedandHoneystoodtherewithherhandonherhipstaringdirectlyatme.Her
long,darkhairwaspulledtothesideofherheadinalowponytailandshewaswearingapairofsnug
jeansandabaggysweatshirt.ItwasthefirsttimeI’deverseenherbodysowellcovered.
“Well,comeonin,forcryingoutloud.Howlongyougonnastandhereandstudythisdoor?Heain’tin
here,soyoucan’twillhimtowalkoutofit.”
So Beau wasn’t here, but maybe she knew where he was. I hurried after her as she spun around and
headedbackinside.
Thebarwasdifferentatthreeo’clockintheafternoon.Thecurtainsweredrawn,lettingsunlightinside,
andthewindowswereopen,allowingafresh,coolbreezetowaftthroughtheplace.Almosttakingaway
thestenchofstalebeerandcigarettes...almost.
“Heleftyesterday.Ain’tbeenhome,neither.Youmessedthosetwoboysupgood,girl.”Honeyshook
herheadasshewenttowipingglassesoffandhangingthembackupabovethebar.
“Iknow.Ineedtofixit.”
Sheshookherheadandletoutahardlaugh.
“Ireckonthatwouldbenicebutthedamageisdone.Thoseboysaboutbeattheshitouttaeachotherin
here yesterday. You’ve made them both crazy. Never thought I’d see a girl come between them two but
then I never figured you’d ever look Beau’s way either. Once you started showing him some interest I
knewthiswasallgoingtohellinahandbasketrealquick.You’vealwaysbeenmyboy’sweakness.”
Isankdownontoastoolacrossthebarfromher.Mystomachchurnedwithguilt.WhathadIdoneto
Beau?HowcouldIsayIlovehimandhurthimsobadly?Lovewasn’tselfish.
“I’manawfulperson.I’dtakeitallawayifIcould.Ican’tbelieveI’vedonethistohim.”
Honeypausedandraisedanartfullysculptedbrow.“Himwho?”
“Beau,”Ireplied,frowning.Asadsmiletouchedherlipsandsheshookherhead.
“Well I guess he ain’t as stupid as I thought he was. I figured the boy’d thrown everything away for
somelittlegallookingtohaveagoodtime.Ididn’tthinkyou’dactuallycareabouthimtoo.”
Iwantedtogetmad,buthowcouldI?I’ddonenothingtoproveIcaredanythingabouthim.Lovedidn’t
screwupyourlife.
“Doyouknowwhereheis?Ijustwanttotalktohim.Ineedtofixthis.”
Honeysighedandslidtheglassinherhandontherackaboveherheadbeforemeetingmygaze.
“NoAshton,Idon’t.Helefthereafterbeatinghiscousin’sfacein.Hewashurtandangry.Ifigurehe
needs some time and then he’ll come out of hiding. For right now, you just worry about fixing your
problemswithSawyer.”
Ishookmyhead.“ThereisnofixingmyproblemswithSawyer.Hehatesme.AllIcanhopeisoneday
heunderstands,butIdon’thavetimetodealwithhim.”
Honeyleanedbothherelbowsonthebarandstudiedmeamoment.
“Youmeantotellmeyouain’tgettingbackwithSawyeratall?Youain’tevenworriedaboutlosing
thatfinefutureheplannedongivingyou?”
TherewasneverafuturewithSawyer.I’dknownthatallalong.
“IloveSawyerbutI’mnotinlovewithhim.IneverintendedonforeverwithSawyer.Ijustneedtosee
Beau.TheonlydealingsIwanttohavewithSawyerisgettinghimtoforgiveBeau.”
Honeynoddedandreachedoutandpattedmyarm.
“IthinkIcouldlikeyou,gal.Gofigure.Melikingthepreacher’sdaughter.Craziershithashappened.”
A smile tugged at my lips for the first time all day. She reminded me of Beau just now. Her amused
expressionandthesamehazeleyes.
“Ineedtotalktohim.Please,assoonasyouseehimtellhimtocallme.”
Honeynoddedandwentbacktowipingtheglasses.Istoodupandstartedforthedoor.TheletterI’d
writtenhimduringLiterature,apologizingandbegginghimtopleasetalktome,wasinmypocket.The
plan had been to slip it in his locker but he never showed up at school. I pulled it out and turned and
walkedbacktoHoney.
“Couldyougivethistohimwhenyouseehim?”Iasked,slidingthefoldedpaperacrossthebartoward
her.Shereachedoutandpickeditup,meetingmyeyes.
“Sure,darlin’.I’llmakesurehegetsit.”
Bothmyparents’carswereinthedrivewhenIfinallypulledinwellafterfiveo’clock.Itwastimeto
facethemusic.Noonemetmeatthedoor,whichwasagoodthing.IsteppedinsideandIwasleveled
with my father’s penetrating stare. He was sitting in the recliner with the Bible open in his lap as he
peeredatmeoverhisreadingglasses.Hewasangry,hurt,anddisappointed.Icouldseeitallinhiseyes.
Idroppedmypurseonthecoffeetableandsankdownontothecouchfacinghim.
“Gladyoucouldfinallymakeithome.Yourbrieftextmessagetellingmeyouwerefineandstayingthe
nightatLeann’swasn’texactlycomforting.Yourmotherhasgonetobedwithaheadachefromtheworry.”
“I’msorry,Dad,”Ireplied.ItrulywassorryI’dupsetthem.EvenifI’ddoitagaininaheartbeat.
“Sorry,huh.Well,youdon’tappearsorry.IwillsayI’mgladyoumadeittoschoolontimeandeven
foundtimetomakeittoyourGrana’sgrave.Don’tlooksurprised.IvisititdailyandInoticedthefresh
rose on her headstone. Only you would bring her a single rose from her own rose garden. No one else
wouldthinkofit.You’reagoodgirl,Ashton.Youalwayshavebeen,butthissummersomethinghasgotten
intoyouandweneedtostraightenitout.”
He’dblameitallonBeauifheknew.Hewantedittobesomeoneelse’sfault.Thefacthisdaughter
wasonebigfakedidn’tevenregisterwithhim.
“BeauVincent’smissingtoo.Everyonethoughtyoutwo’drunofftogether.Butthenyoutextedyouwere
atLeann’sandherdormcounselorverifiedtheinformationwhenIcalledandchecked.Soyouweren’t
withBeaubutitisawfullysuspiciousheismissingtoo,andSawyerhasablackeye.Whathappenedat
church,Ashton?”
Hewasaskingbuthedidn’treallywanttoknowthetruth.Nofatherwantedtohearthiskindoftruth.I
shookmyhead.“IgotintoanargumentwithSawyerandwebrokeup.IranofftoseeLeannandgetaway.
That’sallIknow.”Iwasgettingsogoodatlying.Notsomethingtobeproudof.Dadnoddedhisheadand
closedtheBibleinhislap.
“Good. I’d hate to hear you were messed up with the likes of Beau. Breaking up with Sawyer is
probablyagoodthing.Youtwoweretooseriousandyouhavecollegecomingnextyear.Youneedtobe
freeofaboysoyoucanfocusonyourfuture.”
HestoodupandsathisBibleonthecoffeetable.Hisgreeneyesmetmineandhepointedtothebook
he’djustlaiddown.“Badcompanycorruptsgoodmanner.IfyoureadyourBiblemoreoftenyou’dknow
this.”
Iwatchedhimturnandheadforhisbedroom.Ireallywishedhedidn’tmakemehatetoreadtheBible.
Havingitshoveddownmythroatallmylifehadmademebittertowardsreadingit.Ibelievedit.Butmy
dad had used it to his benefit too many times and ignored the parts in there that would point out his
wrongs.LikejudgingBeauwithoutevenknowinghim.ThatwasintheBibletoo.
Chapter22
Beau
Beau,
I’msosorry.Fornotcallingyou.Forrunningoff.ForSawyer.I’veruinedeverythingforyou.Iwas
soselfish.Ican’ttellyouhowsorryIam.Justpleaseforgiveme.IcanhandleanythingelseifIknow
youcanforgiveme.Maybewhatwedidwaswrong.Maybeweshouldhavehandleditanotherwaybut
Ican’tmakemyselfregretanymomentIspentwithyou.YougavemememoriesI’llalwayscherish.I
won’tmakethishardonyou.I’llletyougoyourownway.Justletmeknowyoudon’thateme.
Iloveyou,
Ashton
Iranmythumboverthewords‘Iloveyou’asIstaredatAshton’sletter.Shelovesme.AshtonGrayloves
me.I’dleftherthinkingthiswasherfault.Thepanicinherwordingwasclear.ShethoughtIcouldhate
her?DidshenotlistentoanythingIsaid?Hadmyactionsnottoldherenough?I’dsacrificedeverything
forher.HowcouldshethinkIhatedher?Itwasn’tevenpossible.Thepermanentachewheremymother
hadrippedmyheartfrommychestandbasicallythrownitatmeeasedsomeasIrereadthewords‘Ilove
you’.
RightnowIneededherarmsaroundmesoIcouldcry.Cryforthemanwho’dbeentheonlydadI’d
everknownandlostatsuchayoungage.CryforthebrotherwhoI’dneverrealizedIhadyetlovedhim
anyway.CryfortheonlygirlI’deverloved,theonlypersonotherthanSawyerI’deverhavediedfor,and
theimpossiblesituationwewerein.Ilovedhersomuch.I’dchosenheroverSawyerandI’ddoitagain.
Butthingshadchangednow.SawyerwasfacingthesamepainIwas.Maybemoresobecauseitwashis
father,orourfather,who’dcheatedonhiswife,ignoredmemyentirelife,andliedtohim.Atearrolled
off my chin and I quickly moved the letter away so my tears didn’t smudge the words on the page. I
needed to know someone cared. Someone loved me. Folding the note so I could see the words ‘I love
you’andhername,Ipresseditagainstmyheartandlaidbackagainstthebaleofhay.TonightIwouldn’t
getmuchsleepbutI’dhaveAsh’swordstokeepmewarm.
Ashton
High school had always been easy for me. Having Sawyer as a boyfriend had protected me from
harassment.AsIstoodinfrontofmylockerandtookintheword‘slut’paintedinredfingernailpolish
acrossthepalebluepaintthathadgoneunmarredthepastthreeyears,itwasamomentofrealization.I
trulyhadnoideawhathighschoolreallyfeltlike.MaybeIwasaslut.Iwasn’tavirginanymoreandI
wasn’tmarried.Didthatmakemeaslut?NooneknewaboutmeandBeausothefactIwasbeinglabeled
aslutonlymeanttheywerehintingatit.
I sighed and quickly did my combination and opened my locker. I was instantly glad it didn’t have
ventilation holes. There is no telling what they would have tried to stick inside. I could hear whispers
behindmeasIpulledoutmybooksforfirstperiod.Noonespoketomeorstoodupforme.NotthatI
expected them to. This was day three of Shun Ashton. I couldn’t really blame it on Sawyer because he
wasn’t participating. He wasn’t taking up for me either but he wasn’t joining in on the fun. Everyone
lovedhimandwantedtodefendhim.IfridiculingmemadethemfeelasiftheywereaccomplishingthisI
couldhandleit.Itwasonlywords.
As if I’d spoken this out loud, I was shoved into my locker from behind. The corner of the locker
slammedintothesideofmyheadcausingmetogoalittlefuzzyfromtheimpact.Igrippedthesideofthe
doorprayingIwouldn’tpassout.LaughterofthefemalevarietyensuedbehindmeandIclosedmyeyes
untilthepainsubsided.
“Oh,forcryingoutloud.Areyoujustgoingtostandthereandtakethis?”Islowlyturnedmyheadto
seeKaylalookingatmewithanexasperatedexpression.Shegrabbedmyarmtosteadyme.
“Igetthatyouthinkyoudeservethisorwhateverbuttherecomesapointwhenenoughisenough.You
needtostopthemorthey’llcontinuetorunoveryou.Getsometeeth,girl.”Shetookthebooksfrommy
armsandclosedmylocker.“Comeon,I’mtakingyoutothenursebecauseyougotadazedandconfused
lookinyoureyes.Onceshesaysit’sokayyoucangotoclass.”
I was dazed and confused. Why was Kayla helping me? She was head cheerleader. I’d have thought
she’dbetheringleaderintheanti-Ashtonposse.
“Youreallyshouldhavethoughtaboutthisbeforeyoudecidedtocheatonthetownprince.Someone
likeSawyerhastoomanyloyalsubjects.You’vepissedthemalloff.Theyhateyoubecauseyouhadhim
forsolongandtheyhateyoubecauseyouhurthim.Theyfeelvindicatedintheirbrutalitytowardyou.So
eitheryougetyourselfabodyguardoryougettough.Thisisn’tgoingtogoawayovernight.Thiscould
lastallfreakin’year.”
Kaylaledmedownthehalltowardthenurse’soffice.
“I know. I figured I’d just let them get their anger out and maybe it would blow over sooner,” I
explained.
Kaylasnorted.“Notgonnahappen.EitherSawyerstopsthemoryoudo.Where’sBeau?Ifhe’dgethis
tailbackherehecouldstopallofthis.”
IwantedBeau.Imissedhim.IreacheddownandtouchedmypockettomakesurethenoteI’dwritten
himlastnightwasstillthere.I’ddecidedtotakeittoHoneythisafternoon.Justincaseshewasableto
getnotestohim.IwantedtomakesureheknewhowIfelt.Ididn’twanthimtobealone.
“Did you really do it? I mean, cheat on Sawyer with Beau? I find it hard to believe Beau would do
somethinglikethattoSawyer.ButSawyerisn’ttalkingandBeauisMIA.”
Iwasn’tgoingtolieanymore.Sawyerknewthetruth.Ididn’thavehisfeelingstospare.Lyingwould
bedenyingBeau.Icouldn’tdenyhim.
“YesIdid.”
KaylapausedandIthoughtshewasgoingtothrowmybooksdownorsomeotherdramaticreactionbut
sheletoutalowwhistleinstead.
“Youadmitit.Wow.”
Ishrugged.“Everyoneknows.IbrokeitoffwithSawyer.Noreasontolie.”
Kaylaraisedhereyebrows.“Icanthinkofonereasontolie.Thebunchofcrazieswhothinktheyneed
todefendSawyerbymakingyoutheirpunchingbag.”
“Maybe, but I’m not going to lie about Beau and me. He doesn’t deserve that. I have nothing to be
ashamedofexceptruiningtheirrelationship.”
Kayla opened the door to the nurse’s office. “You really are unique. No wonder you got the Vincent
boysfightingoveryou.”
Otherthananuglyweltonthesideofmyheadtherewasnootherdamage.However,Iwasbeginningto
wish I’d at least needed stitches so I’d had an excuse to leave today. By lunchtime I’d had my books
knockedoutofmyhandssomanytimesI’dlostcount.Kaylahadstoppedoncetohelpmepickthemup,
sayingagainhowIneededabodyguard.Thejanitorhadcleanedmylockerandtheentireschoolbodyhad
been threatened with school suspension if caught defacing school property. So they had gone to sticky
noteswithcruelcommentsbeingstuckonmylockerinstead.IstoppedreadingthemonceIrealizedthey
werejustanotherformofpunishment.
Sawyerhadwatchedquietlyaspeoplehadknockedmybookstothefloorallday.Whenoureyesmet
afterIcleanedoffmylockerfromthelatestonslaughtofmessagesandhesaidnothingbutwalkedaway,I
decidedImighthatehimalittle.Hewasn’ttheperfectguyI’dthoughthewas.MaybeI’dputhimona
pedestal too. The Sawyer I’d known wouldn’t have stood by while someone was bullied like this. My
eyeshadbeenopenedtoanothersideofhim.OnethatwasrealbutoneIdidn’tlikeverymuch.
I was looking forward to getting a tray and heading outside to eat alone and enjoy some peace and
quiet.Walkinguptothelunchline,Iignoredeveryonearoundme.Ithadbecomemymantratonotmake
eyecontact.Thatseemedtomakethemallworse.SoinsteadIpractisedtunnelvision.WhichwaswhyI
probablydidn’tseetheCokebeforeitwaspouredovermyhead.Isquealedasicerandownmyfaceand
Coke burned my eyes. It trickled down my shirt and my hair was plastered to my head. The lunchroom
eruptedintolaughter.Nicolestoodinfrontofmewithheremptyglassandasmirkonherface.
“Oops,” she said, loud enough for her audience to hear before spinning around on her heels and
struttingtowardheradoringcrowd.
Istoodtheredebatingonhowtohandlethis.KaylasaidIneededtogettoughbutthefightwasgoneout
ofme.IjustwantedBeautocomehome.IreachedupandwipedawaytheCokeinmyeyesandsmoothed
mysaturatedhairbackoutofmyface.Then,withoutgivinganyonethesatisfactionofareaction,Iheaded
backtothedoubledoorsleadingintothehallway.Icouldgohomenow.Thiswasagoodenoughexcuse.
ThedoorsopenedbeforeIreachedthemandIwasfacetofacewithSawyer.HisblueeyesI’donce
lovedwidenedinshockashetookinmyappearance.Itwasn’thisfault.Notreally.
“Excuseme,”IsaidaspolitelyasIcould,steppedaroundhimandheadeddownthehalltowardthe
office.Ididn’tlookbackeventhoughIcouldfeelhiseyesonme.Maybethiswouldbeafinalstrawfor
him.Thenagain,maybenot.
Chapter23
Beau
DearBeau,
Imissyou.Imissyoursmile.Imissyourlaugh.Imissthewayyoulookinapairofjeans.Imissthe
wickedgleaminyoureyeswhenyou’reuptonogood.Imissyou.Pleasecomehome.Ithinkaboutyou
all day and night. It’s really messing up my sleep, you know. I laid out on the roof last night and
thought about all the nights we’d laid there and looked at those same stars. Back before life got all
screwedup.BackbeforeIchosethewrongVincentboy.
Sawyerwillforgiveyou.Ithinkhe’srealizingwhatheandIhadwasn’tlove.Notreallove.Hedidn’t
know the real me and I’ve found out I didn’t know the real him. The things I loved about him aren’t
really holding up anymore. He isn’t you. He never was. But then there can only be one ridiculously
sexybadboyintown.Ibelieveit’saquotathing.I’mteasing.You’renotbad.Youhavesomanygood
qualities.Iadmireyou.IwisheveryonesawtheBeauIsee.Iftheyonlyknewhowtrulyspecialyou
are.Pleasecomehome.Ican’tsayitenough.Imissyou.
Iloveyou,
Ashton
She misses me. I want to go back and take her away. Snatch her up and run. Facing my uncle now,
knowinghe’dneveronceeventriedtohaveanyrelationshipwithme,wasn’tsomethingIcoulddoyet.I
wanted Ash though. She could hide away with me. If I asked I didn’t doubt she would come. But I’d
pulledherintoanawfulmessalready.Icouldn’thurtheranymore.Shehadthesafetyofherhome.Parents
wholovedher.Shedidn’tneedtolosethat.Itwasimportant.Itwasagift.OneI’dneverhadandI’dbe
damnedifIruineditforher.Insteadofturningonmyphoneandseeingthetextmessagesshe’dsentme,I
tucked the letter against my heart and closed my eyes. For now this would have to be enough. Maybe
Mamawouldhaveanotherletterformetomorrow.IlikedknowingAshwasgoingtoseemymotherwhen
I wasn’t there. Mama said they’d been talking. She’d decided Ashton wasn’t so bad after all. The
admiration in Mama’s voice only made my chest ache more. Ashton Gray was too good for me. But I
wantedheranyway.Shewasn’ttheselfishone.Iwas.
Ashton
“Don’tdropone.Thedamnthingscosttoomuch,”Honeycalledfromthekitchen.
Istooddryingshotglassesandbeermugsbeforeputtingthemawaybehindthebar.I’dstartedcoming
here after school every day to bring Beau a letter and see if Honey had heard anything from him. My
frequentvisitshadstartedgrowinglengthy—somuchsothatHoneyhadstartedputtingmetowork.Ihad
gladlyaccepted.ThiswayIcouldtalkaboutBeautosomeonewhowouldlistenandnothavetogohome
tomybedroom,alone.
“TanktakesfivedollarsouttamypaycheckeverytimeIbreakaglass.Knowinggoodanddamnwell
those things didn’t cost no five dollars apiece,” she grumbled, walking back behind the bar from the
kitchencarryinganotherrackofcleanedmugsandglasses.
“I’mbeingcareful,”IassuredherasIputthemugintotherackunderthecounter.
“Good.Now,tellme’boutthislockerbusinessagain,”Honeysaidasshepickedupaglassandstarted
dryingalongbesideme.
“They’rejustputtingstickynotesanduglylettersonmylocker,threateningmeandstuff.It’ssilly.Other
thanthetimeIwasshovedintothelockerandhitintheheadIhaven’tsufferedanyinjuries.”
“Andthatsorrysonuvabitchain’tstoppingthemfromtreatingyouthisway?”
Ishrugged,thinkingofSawyerwatchingsilentlyfromadistance.
“He’sjustlikehisfather.Don’tknowwhythatsurprisesme.Ain’tgonnahelpnonewhenBeaucomes
back.WhenmyboyfindsoutSawyerletthishappenhe’sgonnabespittin’mad.Iwashopingthemtwo’d
mendfencesonceBeaushowsbackup.”
“Idon’tintendtotellBeauaboutanyofthis.Hewon’tknowithappenedandhopefullyoncehe’sback
it’llhavetaperedoff.Thatwayhewon’thaveareasontobemadatSawyer.”
Honeysnortedandslappedthebarinfrontofmewithhertowel.
“Girl, you grew up with Beau. You should know better than that. He ain’t a dummy. Besides,
someone’lltellhim,andwhentheydo,allhell’sgonnabreakloose.”
Isighedandpickeduptheemptyrackinfrontofmetotakeitbacktothekitchen.
“Iknowhe’llfindoutbutIwantthemtomakeamends.Iwon’teverforgivemyselfuntiltheydo.”
Honeynodded.“Yes,well,myadvicetoyouisstayawayfromtheboys.Iknowyouthinkyoulovemy
boybuttheVincentboysaretrouble.Bothof’em.Theygotissuesyoudon’tknowaboutandtheyneed
time. You’ll just go messing up their heads. Besides, they run when things get tough. Beau’s a prime
examplerightnow.Where’sheatwhileyou’rebeingtreatedlikeadamnscarletletter’stattooedonyour
forehead?AndSawyerain’tnobetter.He’slettingagirltaketherapforallthisandnotsayingaword.I
lovemyboybutheain’tthekindofguyyouplanafuturewith.Youneedtomoveon,girl.Findsomeone
whoselastnameain’tVincent.”
SinceIwaspersonanongratathesedaysIdecideditwasinmybestinteresttobringapacklunchandgo
hideinthelibraryandeat.ThiswayIwasfarenoughawayfromNicoleandhersodatoremainniceand
dry.NooneseemedtonoticeIwasmissingortheydidn’tcare.
WithfiveminutesbeforethebellIstuckmyemptylunchbagintomybackpackandheadedtowardmy
locker.Itriedtoavoidgoingtomylockerexceptfirstthinginthemorningandbeforegoinghome.Ijust
carriedallmybooksaroundinmybookbag.Thebruisingonmyleftshoulderfrommybookstrapwas
nothingcomparedtobeingshovedintoalockerfacefirst.Thestickynoteshadn’ttaperedoffany,which
wassurprising.Thehallwaywasfullofpeoplewhohatedmebutmybackwasachingfromtheweightof
thebookssoIhadtounloadsomeatmylocker.
“The princess has fallen pretty low when she goes to hiding during lunch,” Nicole’s amused tone
greetedmeasIapproachedmylocker.Islowlyliftedmyeyestomeetherglare.Iwasn’tsurewhyshe
detestedmesothoroughly.DidshenotthinkIhadpaidenoughalreadyformysinagainsther?Shestood
directlybetweenmeandmylocker.Steppingaroundherwouldbestupid.Instead,Iwaitedforhertosay
whateveritwasshehadcometosay.
“Howdoesitfeeltobepondscum,hmm?”
IhadtobitemytonguetokeepfromreplyingthatIwouldn’tknowasIwasn’ther.Inafightshewould
bashmyfacein.Besides,Ididn’twanttogiveherthesatisfactionofseeingherwordsaffectme.
“Don’tignoreme,”shesneered,takingasteptowardme.Istilledmyself.Thepurehatredflashingin
hereyeswasawarningtotreadcarefully.
“IjustwanttogettomylockerandthenI’llgo.I’mnottryingtocausetrouble.”
Nicole cackled like some deranged witch. “You already caused trouble, bitch.” She reached up and
yankedonastrandofmyhair,causingtearstostingmyeyesfromthesuddenpain.“Youthinkyou’reso
pretty and perfect that you can just take whatever you want. Well, I got news for you, chick—you can’t
takewhat’smine.”
Nicoleclosedthespacebetweenusandinoneswiftmovesentmeflyingbackwardsontomybuttwith
ashovetomychest.Great.IwasgoingtogetintoafightintheschoolhallwayandIhadn’tevendone
anything. Just what I needed. My parents would be furious if I got suspended. Standing up seemed
pointless.Ikeptmyheaddownandwaitedonsomethingelsetohappen.Itdidn’ttakelong.Mybookbag
wasyankedoffmyshouldersandbookscamepouringdownonmyhead.Icringedandletoutastrangled
cryasmyheadwasbatteredbytheheavytextbooksI’dbeenforcedtocarryaroundallday.
“That’s enough. Move.” Sawyer’s voice silenced the laughter and chatter filling the hallway. “Leave
heralone,Nicole.YourbeefiswithBeau.NotAshton.Idon’twanttoseeyoutouchheragain.Thatgoes
forallofyou.Backoff.Noonehereknowswhathappenedandit’snoone’sbusiness.Stopactinglikea
bunchofjerksandleaveheralone.”
Feetshuffledallaroundmeandlaughterhadturnedintohushedwhispersasthecrowddidexactlyas
Sawyerhadordered.Thereigningprincehadspoken.It’dtakenhimaweekbuthe’dfinallyendedthis.
HishandappearedinfrontofmyfaceandIstaredatitamomentbeforeignoringitandstandinguponmy
own.Ididn’tmakeeyecontactwithhimnordidIthankhim.Hisinterferencewaswaypastduesomy
gratitudewasexpired.Ibeganpickingupmyscatteredbooks.
“Areyougoingtoatleastacknowledgeme?”Sawyeraskedashepickedupmybookbag.Ishrugged
andbarelyglancedupathimbeforeshovingmybooksintothebagheheldopen.
“Youbroughtthisonyourself,youknow.”
Thatwasthelaststraw.I’dbeenapunchingbagforfivedaystoolong.Isnatchedmybookbagoutof
hishandsandglaredupintothoseblueeyesI’doncethoughtweresobeautiful.Nowtheyseemedpale
andboring.
“NoonedeserveswhatI’vebeenputthrough.ImighthavedeservedyourangerbutIdidn’tdeservethe
entireschool’sanger.Ididnothingtothem.SoforgivemeifIdon’tseewhereIbroughtaweek’sworthof
relentlessbullyingonmyself.”
Ispunaroundandstartedheadingforthedoor.Iwasdonefortheday.
“Ashton,wait.”Sawyerjoggedupbehindmeandreachedformyarm.“Pleasewait.Listen.”
“What?”Isnapped,notwantingmyescapebotched.
“IhavesomethingIneedtosay.Justlisten,please.”
InoddedbutkeptmygazefocusedonthedoorsIsodesperatelywantedtofleeoutof.
“I’vebeen wrong. Lettingthem do thosethings to you allweek and sayingnothing was horrible. I’m
sorry. I really am. In my defense I’m hurting, Ash. I didn’t just lose you, I lost my best friend too. My
cousin . . . my brother. Everything came tumbling down at once and I couldn’t deal. I told myself you
deserveditthatyoucouldfightyourownbattles.IguessIkeptwaitingtoseethelittlefireballemergeI
remembered from when we were kids. If I could see her then I’d understand more why you turned to
Beau.ButyoukeptreactingthewaymyAshwouldreact.Youneverfoughtbackorretaliated.Youjust
tookit.AndGod,thathurtsobad.Theywerehurtingyou.ThegirlI’velovedallmylife.Iwantedtojump
inandprotectyoubuttheimageofBeautouchingyourlipsandyougazingathimlikeyouwantedtoeat
himupflashedinmyheadandIbecamefuriousalloveragain.”
Heletoutasighandhisgriponmyarmfellaway.
“Iloveyou.Iknowtherealyou,too.YouthinkIdon’tbuthoweasilyyouforgetIwastheonewho
bailedyououtoftroubleoverandoveragainaskids.Ididn’tasktheperfectAshtontobemygirlfriend
whenIwasfourteenyearsold.IaskedtheonlyAshI’deverknown.Youchangedallonyourown.I’mnot
goingtolie.Iwasproudofthegirlyouhadbecome.Myworldwascomplete.Ihadtheperfectfamily,
perfectgirl,perfectfuture.Iletmyselfforgettheothergirlyouoncewere.Beaudidn’tforgether.”
Iswallowedagainstthelumpinmythroat.Thiswastheconversationweshouldhavehadassoonas
Sawyercamehomethissummer.Instead,I’drunfromthetruth.
“Ineverwantedtohurtyou,”IrepliedasIstareddownatmytennisshoes.
“Butyoudid.”
Chapter24
Onesimplehonestreplyfeltlikesomeonehadshovedafistinmystomach.
“Iknowyouhateme.Idon’tblameyou.ButBeau.Beauneedsyou.Pleasedon’thatehimtoo.”
Ifinallyliftedmyeyestomeethisgaze.Afrowncreasedhisforeheadandheslowlyshookhishead.
“I don’t hate you, Ash. And I don’t hate Beau. I wish he’d come back. When I left the bar Sunday I
didn’t realize he’d make a run for it. I should have guessed but there was you and I knew he wouldn’t
wanttoleaveyou.”
“Helovesyou.Hehurtyouandhecan’tfaceit.”
Asadsmileliftedthecornerofhislips.“No,Ash.Thatisn’twhyheleft.”Sawyerglancedbackatthe
now-emptyhallway.WewerelateforclassbutIdidn’tcare.Iintendedtogohomeanyway.
“Comeon.There’ssomethingIneedtotellyou,”Sawyersaidasheturnedhisattentionbacktoward
me.
Ifollowedhimoutsidetohistruck.Itwasoddclimbingupinsidewithouthimopeningthedoorforme
andliftingmeupontotheseat.Butsomehowitfeltright.Thiswashowitshouldhavebeenallalong.
Sawyerpulledoutoftheparkinglotandturnedhistrucksouth.Apparentlywewereheadedoutoftown
forthistalk.
“IwentafterBeauSunday.IknewI’dfindhimatthebarshootingpool.It’swherehealwaysgoesto
unwind.WhenIgottherewesaidafewthingsandthrewafewpunches.”Sawyerglancedoveratmeand
smirked.“I’dliketosayBeaulookedworsebutwebothknowI’dbelying.Imighthavethethrowingarm
whenitcomestofootballbuthehasmebeatwhenitcomestothrowingpunches.Factis,hecouldhave
reallyputahurtingonme.Hespentmostofthetimeblockingmypunches.”Sawyerstoppedandletouta
frustratedsigh.
I hadn’t seen them fight since we were ten and Sawyer accused Beau of being a trouble maker, then
sayinghewasdraggingmedownwithhim.Beauhadgonetoslingingpunchesthatafternoontoo.Sawyer
hadendedupwithaloosetooth.Luckilyitwasababytoothandneededcomingout.
“MyAuntHoneywasthere.Itwasjustthethreeofus.Shetriedtobreakupthefightbutweweren’t
listening to her. Or I should say, I wasn’t listening to her. I wanted to see Beau’s blood. You both had
denieditbutIknewhe’dkissedyou.Heck,it’sBeau,Iknewy’allhadprobablydonealotmore.Ihated
knowingI’dfinallylostyoutohim.Itwassomethingthatalwaysscaredme.Evenwhenyoutwodidn’t
speak much he’d watch you and when you thought no one was looking, you’d watch him. I’m not a
completeidiot.”
“Ineverthoughtyouwere,Sawyer.IliedaboutBeau,hopingtosaveyourrelationshipwithhim.Ifully
intendedtowalkawayfrombothofyou.”
Sawyerlaughedbutthehumordidn’treachhiseyes.“YoureallythinkBeauwasgoingtojustletyou
go?Notinthislifetime.”
“Helovesyou,”Iargued.
“Iknow.Thethingis,helovesyoumore.”
Istartedtoshakemyhead.
“Ash, Beau wouldn’t have betrayed me if he wasn’t head over heels in love with you. No use in
denyingit.”
“Okay,”Iagreed.Maybehewasright.Iwantedhimtobe.“Whatdidyoubringmeoutheretotellme,
Sawyer?”
Sawyerpulledoverintoadesertedparkinglotandcuttheengine.Iwaitedpatientlyashegatheredhis
thoughtstogether.AnemptyplasticbagdancedinthewindacrosstheparkinglotandIwatcheditthinking
Iknewexactlyhowitfelt.Itwasonapathitcouldn’tcontrol.SowasI.
“Ash,Beauisn’tmycousin.He’smy...he’smybrother.”
IsatthereasIlethiswordssinkin.Didhemeaninthemetaphoricalsense?Imean,Ialreadyknewhe
thoughtofBeauashisbrother.
“Idon’tunderstand,”Ifinallymanagedtoreply.
“I’mstilltryingtounderstanditmyself,tobehonest.”Sawyershiftedinhisseatandturnedhisbodyto
faceme.“WhenwewereyellingateachotherSundayandsayingthingswereallydidn’tmean,oratleast
wewouldtakebacklater,Honeyinformedusthatmydadwasn’tjustmydad.ButBeau’sdadtoo.”
“What?”
“Honeywasmydad’shighschoolflame.Thenmydadwentofftocollegeandmetmymomhisfirst
yearinlawschool.Shewasthedaughterofoneofhisprofessors.Hefellinlovewithherandmarried
her.OncehegraduatedandpassedthebarhemovedbacktoGrovetoopenapractice.Honeywashere
still raising hell and breaking hearts apparently. She and my uncle Mack used to hang out and stir up
troubletogether.SowhenshegotpregnantwithBeau,andmarriedMackeveryonethoughtitwasMack’s.
Mymomgotpregnantwithmethesameyear.ShehadnoideaaboutBeauanddidn’tuntilIconfronted
DadrightinfrontofherSundayevening.DadandHoneyhookeduponenightinabarafterheandMom
hadgotteninafightoverherspendingtoomuchmoneyonfurniture.Theyweredrinkingtequilashotsand
Dad says all he remembers is waking up the next morning in Honey’s bed. Six weeks later she was
knockingonhisdoorclaimingshewaspregnant.Hedidn’tbelieveher,oratleasthedidn’tbelieveitwas
his.SomyuncleMackmarriedher.Hebelievedher.OnceBeauwasborn,UncleMackthreatenedDad
withrevealinghisnightwithHoneytomymomifhedidn’tagreetoapaternitytest.Dadtookone.Beau
washis.UncleMacksaidhe’draisehimashisown.HewasinlovewithmyAuntHoney.Hadbeensince
highschool.Thenyouknowthestory.Hedied.HoneywasthelousiestmotheronearthandBeauwasleft
tofendforhimself.”
Isattherestaringoutthewindow,unabletolookatSawyer.Howcouldhisfatherdosomethinglike
this?He’dknownhowmuchBeauhadsuffered.Irestedmyforeheadagainstthecoolglasswindowand
closedmyeyes.Tearssqueezedoutandtrickleddownmycheeks.NowonderBeaulefttown.Itwasbad
enough he felt unwanted by his mother. Now he had to deal with being unwanted by his father. Mack
Vincenthadonlybeenhisuncle.TheonlymemoryBeauhadofastablelifehadbeenwithMack.
“Beaudidn’tabandonyou,Ash.Hejustneededtimetodeal.”
“Whereishe?”Iaskedasasobtorefrommychest.
“IwishIknew.”
Sawyer didn’t say anymore. The truck cranked up and we headed back to town in silence. I knew I
shouldsaysomethingbuttherewerenowords.Notforthis.
SawyerpulledupbesidemyJettaandIfinallylookedathim.
“I’m sorry. I know this has been hard for you too. I understand now why you didn’t say anything all
week about what was happening to me. You have bigger issues to deal with than a little school
harassment.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. “Thank you, Sawyer. For telling me. For being a
friend.Foreverything.”
Asmiletuggedatthecornerofhismouth.“There’snoexcuseforhowItreatedyouthisweekbutthanks
fortryingtoletmeoutofit.”
“Iunderstandnow.That’senough.”
HenoddedandIreleasedhishandandjumpeddownoutofhistruck.Thishadbeenourclosure.The
acheinmychestforthepainBeauwasgoingthroughoverrodethepeaceIknewwastheresomewhere.
Sawyerwasnowofficiallybehindme.Hewasmypast.IfonlyIcouldfindmyfuture.
Chapter25
Honey’sheadsnappedupthemomentIsteppedintothebar.IletthedoorclosebehindmewhileIstudied
thewomanwhohadliedtohersonhiswholelifeaboutwhohewas.OverthepastweekI’dgrowntolike
Honey. I didn’t agree with her parenting skills but I knew she loved Beau and that was enough. Now I
wantedtoseetheremorseinhereyes.Somethingtotellmesheknewshe’ddonehimwrong.
“StopstaringatmelikeI’madamnscienceexperiment.What’supyourcrawltoday?”Honeysaidas
she stepped around the bar holding my gaze. She was trying to decide what I knew. I could see her
measuringmewithhereyes.
“Whydidn’tyoutellmetherealreasonBeauranoff?YouletmebelieveitwasmeandSawyerthat
senthimrunning.”
Sheraisedathindarkbrowandsighed.“GuessSawyerdecidedtosharethegoodnewswithyou.”
“Idon’tconsiderthefactBeauhasbeenliedtohisentirelife‘goodnews’.”
Honeypulledoutabarstoolandsatdown,rollinghereyesatmeasifIwerebeingoverdramatic.
“What’dyacomeheretodo,Ashton?Scoldme?Accuseme?Judgeme?Goahead.Itain’tasifI’mnot
realusetothat.Butmakesureyoustopbyyouroldboyfriend’shouseandgivethesamedressingdownto
Beau’sdaddywhileyou’reatit.’Cause,babygirl,ittakestwototango.”
“I’m not here to judge you or any of those other things. I’m here because I’m worried about Beau. I
wishyou’dhavetoldme.Iwould’vegonelookingforhim.”
“Wasn’tmystorytotellnow,wasit?OnceItoldthemboysitbecametheirstory.Whentheywanted
someonetoknowthey’dmakethedecisiontotell’em.Notme.Besides,what’srunningofflookingfor
someonewhodon’twanttobefoundgonnado,huh?Notabituhgood.”
I walked over and sat down in the empty stool beside her. Honey had known all along Beau wasn’t
hiding from his problems. He wasn’t running away. He was coping with a life-changing bomb that had
beendroppedonhim.
“Why’dyouletmethinkhewasrunningfromme?FromSawyer?”Iasked,watchingherfaceforany
signofremorse.
“’Cause it was better that way. You ain’t never gonna be nothing but a wall standing between those
boysandrightnowtheyneedeachother.Morethanever.ImightnotbeanidealparentbutIlovemyboy.
I know he needs his brother. You’re sweet and honest. I like you. I really do. You’re nothing like I
assumed.Butyouain’tgoodforthemboys.Theyneedyououtoftheirlifesotheycanmoveonandfinda
waytodealwiththis.”
She was right. I would always be the one thing standing between them ever mending their fences. I
lovedBeau.Ilovedhimenoughtolethimgo.
“You’reright,”Ireplied.
Honeyreachedoverandpattedmyarmaffectionately.“You’reagoodgirlwithareallybigheart.Your
mamaraisedyouright.I’mthankfulBeauhadyourlove.Itmakesmefeelgoodinsidetoknowsomeone
likeyoucouldlovehim.Thankyou.”
I stood up and wrapped my arms around Honey’s shoulders. She stiffened then relaxed and her arms
slowlycamearoundme.Iwonderedhowlongithadbeensincesomeonehadhuggedher.Isqueezedher
onegoodtimebeforelettinggo.
“Thank you for putting up with me this week,” I said through my tear-clogged throat. Her hazel eyes
weremistyasshegavemeasadsmile.
“Ienjoyedthecompany.”
BeforeIbecameablubberingmessIgaveherasmallwaveandturnedtoheadtothedoor.
“He’sbackintown,”shesaid.“Justsoyouknow.Igavehimyourletters.”
Isqueezedthebrassdoorknobandstaredattheoldwoodendoor.Ihadtolethimgo.Askingwherehe
wasandhowlonghe’dbeenbackwouldonlyhurtworse.Witheveryounceofwillpowerinmybody,I
turnedtheknobandpushedthedooropen.ItwastimeIwenthome.
Theknockonmybedroomdoorwasimmediatelyfollowedby,“Ashton,sweetheart,areyouinthere?”I
glancedattheclockonmynightstand.Itwasaftereighto’clock.Dadwasjustgettinghome,whichwas
unusual.
“Yes,”Ireplied.Heopenedthedoorandsteppedinsidemyroom.Thefrownlinesonhisfacelooked
asifhe’dspentastressfuleveningsomewhere.
“Youokay?”Iasked,rememberingthelasttimeoneofmyparentshadcometomyroomupset.
“Yes,I’mfine.Ijustwantedtotalktoyouaboutsomething,”herepliedandtookaseatinthepurple
chairfacingmybed.Thiswasapparentlygoingtobealongconversation.Heneversatdowninhere.
“Okay,”Iprompted.Hisstrangebehaviorwasmakingmenervous.
“YouandSawyerbrokeup.”Hesaiditasastatementnotaquestion.SoIjustnoddedinconfirmation.
“Haveyouspokenwithhimlatelyaboutanything?Maybesomethinggoingoninhisfamily?”
Howdidmydadknow?Unless...
“Yes.Todayasamatteroffact,”Ireplied,waitingtoseewhathisnextquestionwouldbe.
Dadclearedhisthroatandheleanedforward,restinghiselbowsonhisknees.“Whatdidhetellyou?”
IunderstoodthefrownlinesandcominghomelatemeantDadhadbeencounselingtonight.
“HetoldmesomethingaboutBeau.”Iwasn’tgoingtotellDadBeau’ssecretifIwaswrongandDad
hadn’tjustspentanhourwithSawyerandhisparents.
“HetoldyouwhoBeau’sfatheris?”
Inoddedslowly,unwillingtosaymore.
Dadletoutasighandleanedbackinthechair.
“Sawyerandhismotherhavebeentoseemethisevening.Theyaren’tdealingwiththisnewswell.But
I’mworriedaboutBeau.He’stheonewhoIfeelhasbeenwrongedthemost.Doyouknowwhereheis?”
Ishookmyhead.
“You’dtellmeifyoudid?BecauseIreallythinkheneedstotalktosomeone.Runningoffandhiding
fromthisisn’thealthyforhim,Ashton.”
“No,Daddy.Beauhasn’tcalledmeorcometoseemesinceSundaymorning.But...heisback.Honey
saidhewasbackintown.He’sseenher.”
Dadnoddedandrubbedhisstubblycheek,hiseyesdrawnintoafrown.HewantedtohelpBeau.The
ideaofmydadhelpingBeauwarmedme.IwantedtogetupandthrowmyarmsaroundhimbutIstayed
put.Beauwouldn’twanthishelp.Iwouldn’ttellhimthatthough.
“Ishemadatyou?”
Ishookmyheadbutthenstopped.Iwasn’tsureifhewasornot.Hehadn’tsoughtmeout.Hehadn’t
calledortexted.Maybehewasmadatme.Maybeheregrettedeverything.
“I want to apologize to you for the things I said about him after your Grana’s wake. I was wrong. I
didn’tknowhim.Sawyerhasenlightenedmequiteabittonight.Beauhadadifficultupbringingbuthehas
overcomesomanythings.Ijudgedhimunfairly.WhenhecametoyourGrana’swakeandwalkedyouup
tothefrontitsurprisedme.Itdidn’tfitthepersonaI’dlabeledhimwith.Abadseeddidn’tdosomething
so thoughtful for someone else. But it scared me. Beau was the son of a hellraiser. I’d known Mack
Vincentbackinschoolandhewasnothingbuttrouble.Ididn’twantthatforyou.Iwassurehisfather’s
bloodhadtaintedhimsomehow.Instead,he’dhadthebloodrunningthroughhisveinsofthetown’smost
admired citizen. Instead of taking care of what was his, he denied his own son. Mack loved that boy. I
rememberwatchinghimwithBeauandbeingamazedatthekindnesshehadwithhisson.ThefactBeau
wasn’tevenhisandheknewit,onlyshowsmeonceagainhowwrongIam.Iwas.TheBibletellsusnot
to judge yet I did it anyway. I’m sorry for not trusting you. You saw the good in Beau I refused to
acknowledge.”
ThistimeIdidstandupfrommyspotonthebedandwalkovertomydaddy.WithoutawordIclimbed
upinhislapandlaidmyheadonhisshoulderthewayI’ddoneasalittlegirl.
“It’s okay, Daddy. I know you meant well. You were trying to protect me. But you’re right. Beau is
special.Somehowtheneglecthehassufferedhasn’ttakenawaythespiritinsidehim.Ifyouevergotto
knowhim,you’dlovehim.He’shardnottolove.”
“Doyoulovehim?”
“YesandbecauseIlovehimI’mlettinghimgo.Hecan’tbewithmeandsalvagehisrelationshipwith
Sawyertoo.I’llalwaysbeareminderofhisbetrayal.Iunderstandthat.”
Dadrubbedmyarmandhuggedmeagainsthischest.
“Idon’twanttoseeyouhurtbutyou’reright.Idon’tseeanotherway.Thosetwoboyshavealotof
healingtodo.Theyneedeachother.”
“Iknow.”
“Butitstillhurts,”Dadreplied.
“Yes,itstillhurts.”
Beau
IpacedinfrontofthelockersinsidethefieldhousewaitingonSawyertoshowup.I’dtextedhimtomeet
mehere.BeforeIfacedAshton,IhadtotalktoSawyerfirst.Withoutourfistsgettingintheway.Sawyer
had been my brother since we were kids. Even before we knew we shared a father. I loved him. My
actionshadn’tactuallysaidasmuch,butIdid.AshtonwastheonlythingI’deverfighthimover.Iknew
noamountofexcuseswouldmakewhathappenedbetterbutIneededhimtoatleasthearmeout.Ididn’t
wanthimhatingAshton.Shedidn’tdeservehishate.I’dthoughtofthewordsIcouldsaythatwouldn’t
soundshallowandweak.Sawyerwasthesecondmostimportantpersoninmylife.He’djusttakenthe
onepersonI’dchooseoverhimawayfrommethreeyearsago.IthadbeentimeIgotherback.Nomatter
whathebelieved,Ilovedhermore.Iknewher.Iunderstoodher.
TheheavydoorslammedshutandmyheadsnappeduptomeetSawyer’ssternexpression.Dammit,I
didn’twanttofightagain.Iwantedtotalkthistime.Helookedlikeamanreadytotakeaswing.
“You’reback.It’sabouttime,”hedrawledashekepthisdistance.
“Yeah,Iam.I’vehadtimetosortthingsout.”
Sawyerletoutahard,coldlaugh.“Really?WellmaybeyoucansortthisshitoutformebecauseIcan’t
seemtodothatmyself.”
UntilSawyerhadwalkedoutofthatchurchandfoundmeandAshton,I’dneverheardhimcurse.Now
hismouthwasgettingasbadasmine.Ibitbackthesmiletuggingatmylips.Ishouldn’tlikethefactmy
perfectcousinwascrackingalittle.
“Have you talked to Ashton?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back against the
lockersbehindme.
Sawyerfrownedandstartedtoshakehisheadthenstoppedandletoutasigh.“Yeah,once.Itoldher
aboutDad.Ithoughtsheneededtoknowwhyyouskippedtown.Shethoughtyou’dleftbecauseofher.I
didn’twanthertokeepthinkingitwasallherfault.”
Shethoughtitwasherfault?Fuck.Ihadn’tthoughtofthat.PushingofffromthelockersIreachedfor
mycellphonestuckdowninmypocket.Ineededtoturnitonandreadhertextmessages.HadIlefther
heretoworry?Didn’tsheknowIwasokay?Hadn’tMamaexplainedtoherthatIwasdealingwithsome
familyshit?
“She’s had a rough week,” Sawyer said and I lifted my eyes to meet his. What did he mean by that?
She’dbeenworried?
“Howso?”Iasked,studyinghimforanysignofalie.
Heranhishandthroughhisdarkhairandletoutafrustratedsigh.“Well,noteveryonelikedthefact
she’dcheatedonme,withyou.”
Whatthefuckdidthatmean?Whothehell’sbusinesswasit?
“Explainthat,”Idemanded,takingasteptowardhimandthedoor.
“Shehasdealtwithsomepeopletakingsides.That’sall.”
Hadpeopleshunnedher?Wassheallaloneinside?
“Whatpeople?”Isnapped.
Sawyerhelduphishands.“Calmdown.Weneedtotalkaboutus.Ashtonisfine.Imadesureshewas
fine.”
“You’recertainshe’sfine?”Ineededreassurance.Iwouldn’tbeabletofocusonthisconversationifI
didn’tthinkshewasokay.
“Yes,I’msure.”
Nodding,Ishovedmyhandsinmyjeanspocketsandleanedashoulderbackagainstthelocker.“Okay.
Yougofirst,”Isaid.
I’d asked him to meet me here but I could tell he had things to say. I’d let him go first. He at least
deservedthat.
Sawyerwalkedovertothebenchandsteppedoveritbeforesittingdown.HelookedasdefeatedasI
felt.We’dneverhadafightthatlastedmorethantenminutesandafewpunches.Nowtherewasagood
chancewe’dnevermoveonfromthis.
“I do know the real Ashton. I realize you know her better than I do. Y’all are so alike. But I never
thoughtshewasperfect.Ineverexpectedhertobesogood.IlovetherealAsh.I’velovedhersincewe
werekids.Justlikeyou,Beau.ShestolemyheartbeforeIunderstoodwhatthatmeant.”Hepausedand
ran his hand over his face. “But you’re my brother. You’ve been my brother all my life. Even before I
knewwesharedthesamefather.AsbadasIwanttohateyou,Ican’t.Ashtonchoseyou.Sheishardto
walkawayfrom.That’ssomethingIunderstand.”
Iwasn’tsureifthismeantIwasforgivenbutIwasn’tgoingtogiveherupifthat’swhathethought.He
maybemybrotherbutIcouldn’tlethergoforhim.“I’mgoingtofightforher,”Ireplied.Heneededto
understandthis.
Sawyernodded.“Iknow.Youwon’thavetofighthard.You’rewhoshewants.”
Hadhetalkedtoheraboutme?Hadhetriedtogetherback?
“Shetellyouthis?”God,Ihopedso.
Sawyerraisedhisheadandatightsmileformedonhislips.“Didshehaveto?Ithinkheractionsspoke
louderthananywords.Ican’tfightforsomeonewhodoesn’twantme.What’sthepoint?”
I’dfightforher.I’dmakeherseeIwastheoneshewanted.TherewasnowayinhellI’dwalkaway
thiseasyifI’dbeeninhisplace.ThiswasjustmoreproofthatIlovedhermore.Ialwayshad.
“Arewegonnabeokay?”Iasked,needingtoknowifthismeantIwouldlosehim.
Sawyerstoodupandshrugged.“Maybeoneday.Rightnow,Ineedtime.Doesn’tchangethefactyou’re
myblood.Ijustneedsomedistance.Fromeverything.”
I was his dad’s bastard son and I’d taken his girlfriend away from him. I understood that. It was a
miraclehedidn’thateme.
“I’mhere.Whenyou’reready,”Itoldhim.
Henodded.“Yeah,Iknow.”
Chapter26
Ashton
AllnightI’dsleptwithmycellphoneclaspedtightlyinmyhand.JustincaseBeautextedorcalled.Yes,I
waslettinghimgobutthatdidn’tmeanIwasn’tworriedabouthim.IfIcouldhavejustknownhewasat
homeinhisbed.
TodayIwalkedthroughthehallwithoutworryingifsomeonewasgoingtoshovemeintoawall.The
sneers had stopped. It was as if they all had something new to focus on. I wasn’t the center of their
attentionanymore.ThankGod.Iturnedtoheadtowardmylockerandmyfeetslowedasmyeyeslanded
ontheachinglyfamiliarbodystandinginfrontofmylocker.MyheartspedupasItookinthesightofhim.
Icouldnowopenlyadmirehisbuttinapairofjeans.AsmiletouchedmylipsbutquicklyfellawayonceI
realizedwhathewasdoing.
Beauwassnatchingoffthenotesstillstucktomylockerfromthedaybefore.I’dgrownwearyoftaking
them off and with my confrontation with Sawyer yesterday I’d forgotten all about them. Even though I
couldn’tseehisfaceIrecognizedtheangrystanceasherippedupeachnoteandthrewitontheground.
Didhejustgrowl?Itookaslow,cautioussteptowardhim.Thetensesetofhisshoulderswarnedmenot
tomakeanysuddenmovements.Hewasstrungtightasabowandreadytopounce.
“Beau,”Isaidgentlybeforereachingoutandtouchinghisarm.
Thelastoftheshreddedstickynotesdriftedtothefloorfromhishands.Hedidn’tlookatme.Instead
heclosedhiseyestightly.Thetickinhisjawonlymadehissharp,perfectfeaturesmoreintense.
“It’sokay.Thenotesdon’tbotherme,”Iassuredhim,wantingtosaysomething.Anythingtoeasehis
temper.
“He let them do this. I’m going to kill him.” His words were so thickly laced with fury I started
worryingforSawyer’ssafetyagain.
“No,hetoldthemtostop,”Iassuredhim,movingclosetohim.Beaufinallyopenedhiseyesandturned
hishead.Hishazeleyes,sofullofemotion,studiedmyface.
“When?Becausetheysureashellhaven’tstopped.”
Islidmyhanddownhisarmandlacedmyfingersthroughhis.
“Itdoesn’tbotherme.Really.Idon’tcare.”
Beausnarledandslammedhisfistagainstmylockerdoor.
“Icare.Noonetalkstoyouthatway.Noone,Ash.”Heturnedandgloweredatthepackedhallwayfull
ofstudents.“NOONE,”heshouted.Hishandpulledfreefrommineandthecrowdpartedashestalked
away.HewasgoingtofindSawyer.Isilentlyprayedhe’dlethimlive.
CuriouseyeswatchedBeau’sretreatingbackthenshiftedbacktome.Therewouldbenomoreletters
onmylocker.BeauwasbackandIwaspositivehe’djustterrifiedtheentirestudentbody.
Thesmallpiecesofpaperatmyfeetwereallthatwasleftfrommyweekasasocialoutcast.Ibent
downtopickupthepieces.IsawtwoscuffedbootsthenTobyHornbentdownbesideme.
“I’llhelpyou.Idon’tthinkitwasBeau’sintentionthatyoucleanthisup.”
I smiled over at him. He’d watched everything happen this week from the sidelines without saying a
word. I knew he was only helping now because he was trying to find some redeeming grace in Beau’s
eyes.
“Idon’twantthejanitortohavetocleanitup.Itisn’therfault.”
“He’sgoingtomurderSawyerifhefindsoutthiswastheleastofwhatthey’vedonetoyou.”
I sighed, knowing he was right. If this made Beau angry then the nail polish graffiti and the Coke
incidentwasgoingtosendhimintoablindrage.
“I’mprayingnoonetellshim.”
Tobypausedandstudiedmeamoment.IcouldtellhewastryingtodecideifIreallymeantwhatI’d
said.
“Youdon’twantrevenge?”
Ishookmyheadandstoodup,bothmyhandsfullofpaper.
“No,Idon’twantrevenge.IfthisweekwaswhatittooktohelpSawyerdealwitheverythingthenit
wasworthit.Beauwillneverseeitthatwayofcourse.”
“He’llendupblaminghimselfforleavingyouhere.”
Idroppedthepaperintothetrashcananddustedmyhandsoffonmyjeansbeforeturningbackaround
tofaceToby.
“Hehadhisreasons.BothSawyerandIknowthat.”
“SoyouandSawyermadeup?”
Iletoutasmalllaugh.SawyerandIwouldneverbecompletelyhealed.Toomuchbadwaterunderthe
bridge.
“Asmadeupaswewilleverget.”
Tobynoddedasifheunderstood.
“AndBeau?”heasked,lookingunsure,asifhe’dgottentoopersonal.
“BeauandIarefriends.”Thatwasallheneededtoknow.
Tobynoddedandslippedhisbookbaghigheruphisshoulder.
“Sorryaboutthisweek.Ishould’vesaidsomething.IkeptwaitingonSawyertostepin.”
“Noworries.It’sallovernow.”
“Beau’sback,”heagreed,thenwithonelastapologeticsmileheturnedandwalkedaway.
Beau
I needed to hit something. Stalking out I put both hands on the front doors and shoved them open hard
before walking out into the parking lot. Grabbing my phone from my pocket I finally turned it on.
Apparently,Sawyerhadn’ttoldmeeverything.He’dhadhischancetoexplainwhathemeantbyAshton
havingaroughweek.He’dfailedtotellmethatshe’dbeenridiculed.Whyhadn’thetakenthosenotesoff
herlockerhimself?Wherehadhebeen?Hadheenjoyedseeinghertreatedbadly?MybloodboiledandI
fistedmyhandtightly.Iwasgoingtobeattheshitoutofhim.
Looking down at my phone I had ten unread text messages. Had Ashton texted me about all this?
Turningitoffhadbeenapussythingtodo.I’dwantedtohidefromeveryoneandeverythingandwallow
inmypain.WhileAshtonhadneededmeandI’dbeenhiding,she’ddealtwithitall.Mychesttightened.I
scrolledthroughmymessages.
Ashton:Iloveyou.I’msorry.Pleasecomehome.
Ashton:Ileftanotewithyourmother.Haveyougottenit?
Ashton:IspokewithSawyertoday.Hetoldme.Beaupleasecomehome.Please.
Kyle:Heyman.Notsurewhereyou’reatbutyoumightwanttocomeback.Ashneedsyou.
Ethan:Itain’tprettyhere.Ashisgettingmajorshitatschool.Thoughtyoumightwanttoknow.
Kayla:Acouplepicsyoumaywanttosee.
IscrolleddowntoseeapictureofNicoleshovingAshton’sheadinherlocker.AnotheroneofAshton
sprawledoutonthefloorwithherbooksbeingpouredoutofherbackpackontoherhead.
Mystomachrolled.Ididn’tneedtoreadanymore.Iwasgoingtokillmybrother.
IpunchedSawyer’snumberintomyphoneandwaitedwhileitrang.
“Hello.”ThecautioustoneinhisvoicetoldmeheknewI’djustfoundout.
“Meetmeonthefield,now,”Igrowled.
“Youknow,”herepliedinawearytone.
“Yeah,youstupidfuck,Iknow.”
Iendedthecallandshovedmyphoneintomypocketbeforeheadingdowntothefield.Ihadn’twanted
tohitSawyerlasttime.I’djustwantedtoblockhisblows.ButnowitwasallIcouldthinkabout.
When he stepped onto the field and walked toward me I glared at him, waiting until he was close
enough.Theurgetochargehimwasoverwhelming.ThefuryofwhathadbeendonetoAshwasmakingit
impossibleformetothinkclearly.
“Diditmakeyoufeelbetterseeinghersuffer?”Icalledoutashedrewcloser.
Hedidn’trespond.Hedidn’tneedto.Webothknewithad.He’dlethersufferbecausehewashurt.
“Now I’m about to make myself feel better, you stupid selfish shit,” I informed him in a calm, cold
voice.
“Goahead,Beau,hitme.”
Ididn’tneedanotherinvitation.
Ashton
Istoodoutsidethecafeteriastudyingthedoubledoors.BeauhadappearedinLiteratureclasstodaybut
he’dsatacrosstheroomfrommeandnotonceglancedmyway.IknowbecauseIwatchedhimtheentire
hourandahalf.Sawyerdidn’tshowuptoPhysics.TherewerenonotesonmylockerandI’dgoneall
morningwithoutasnidecommentorsomeonestickingtheirfootouttotripmeintheaislesinclass.Only
afewpeopleactuallyspoketome.Itwasasiftheyweren’tsurehowtotreatmeyet.Beauwasignoring
me.Itwasimpossibletomiss.Atsomepointeveryonewasgoingtorelaxandonebravesoulwasgoing
totestthewaters.Ireallydidn’twantittohappenduringlunch.Mylunchwaspackedandthelibrarywas
upstairs,empty.
“Youcomingin?”
IturnedtoseeKaylastandingbesideme.Herhandonthedoor.MyheartratepickedupandIdecided
no.Iwasn’treadytofacethecrowdinside.Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tthinkso.”
“Why?NooneisgoingtoharmahaironyourheadafterBeau’sperformancethismorning.”
Iwasn’treadytobankonthat.
“What’s wrong?” Beau’s voice startled me and I spun around to see him standing behind me with a
territorialgleaminhiseyes.
“Nothing,”Istutteredandquicklysteppedaroundhim.
HishandreachedoutandgrabbedmyarmgentlybutfirmlyenoughthatIwasforcedtostop.
“Whereareyougoing?Thecafeteriaisthisway.”
“Thelibrary.EversinceNicolepouredaCokeoverherheadduringlunchshe’sbeenhidingoutinthe
librarytoeatherfood.”TheutterdelightinKayla’svoiceasshetoldonNicolewasobvious.Iknewshe
wasn’ttellingBeauformysake.Shewastellinghimsohe’dreact.Thefirethatignitedinhiseyesputa
hugesmileonKayla’sfacebeforeshetwirledaroundandheadedinsidethecafeteria.
“You’renothidinginthedamnlibrary,Ash.IfanyoneevenlooksatyouwrongI’llfixit.”Beauwas
staring down at me for the first time since this morning. I soaked up the little shred of attention. I was
pathetic.
“Okay,”Ireplied.Tellinghimnowasimpossible.
Hereachedaroundmeandpushedthedooropen.“Let’sgo.”
Iwalkedinaheadofhimandtheentireroomfellsilent.Thismightpossiblybeworsethanthelaughing
andsnickers.
“Do you need anything from the line?” Beau asked, taking my elbow. I shook my head, scanning the
crowdforanysignofSawyer.
“Where’sSawyer?”IwhisperedwhenIdidn’tseehimanywhere.
“Athome.Hehasaconcussion.”
Ifrozeandstaredupathim.“What?”Iasked,horrified.
Beau’sfrowndeepened.“Heshouldn’thaveletthemharassyou.Itwashismistake.Heknowsthat...
now.”
“Beau!” I hissed, jerking my elbow out of his grasp. This was why I couldn’t have what I wanted.
Because of me Beau had given his cousin—NO—his brother a concussion. I couldn’t let this keep
happening.“Whywouldyoudothat?Isheokay?”
“He’sfine.Youcangocheckonhimafterschool.”Hepausedandclenchedhisjaw.“No,Itakethat
back.Youneedtostayawayfromhim.I’mnotsureIcanhandleyouworryingoverhimrightnow.Ineed
time.”
“Beau,I...”
“GositwithKayla.She’smotioningyouover.You’resafe,Ash.”
Heturnedandleftmestandingthere,watchinghimretreattothefarsideofthecafeteria.
Chapter27
IfiguredwhatBeaudidn’tknowwouldn’thurthim.I’dsatinmyroomdebatingovergoingtocheckon
Sawyerforhours.FinallymyconsciencegotthebestofmeandI’ddrivenoverthere.Facinghismother
wasn’thighuponmylistofthingsIwantedtodo.Thisyearorpossiblyever.Ipassedbyhisdriveway
andturneddownthedirtroadleadingdowntothehole.
OnceIgotbackthereIparkedthecarandsentSawyeratextlettinghimknowI’dcometocheckon
him.Ifhewantedtoseemehewould.WhileIwaitedIfiguredIwouldgoenjoyourfavoritechildhood
spotonelasttime.
Climbingupatreewasn’taseasyasitusedtobe.Butourfavoritelimbwasn’tashighasitusedtobe
eitheranditjusttookonesmallboostfromthetreetrunktogetmyselfsecurelyonthebranchI’dshared
withtheVincentboysduringourchildhood.
“Impressive.Youmadeitlookeasy.”Sawyer’svoicesurprisedme.Iglancedovertoseehimleaning
againstanearbytree.Hisdarkcurlsdancedinthebreeze,remindingmeofthetimesIusedtowatchitdo
thatexactsamethingwithfascination.Ilovedburyingmyfingersinhisthickhairandwrappinghiscurls
aroundthem.Hereallywasbeautiful.
“Iwasalreadyherewhenyousentthetext,”herepliedwithanamusedgrin.Myexpressionmusthave
shownmyconfusion.
“Oh,”Ireplied.
“To what do I owe this visit?” he asked, standing up and walking over to stand beside my legs. He
barelyhadtolookuptomeetmygaze.
“Iwantedtocheckonyou.Beausaidyouhadaconcussion.”
Sawyerchuckledandskippedarockhe’dbeenholdinginhishandacrossthewater.“HetellyouhowI
gottheconcussion?”
“Yes,”Iansweredhim,feelingguilty.
“Ideservedit.Iwasshittytoyouallweek.”
HadSawyerjustcursed?
“Um...”Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Hewasright,hehadbeen,buthedidn’tdeservetobebeatupby
hisbrotheroverit.
“I shouldn’t have let them do those things to you. Honestly, Beau beating the crap out of me was a
relief.I’dbeenbeatingmyselfup.Havingsomeonephysicallybeatmewasanicerelease.”
“What?”Iasked.
Sawyerturnedhisblueeyesbackuptowardme.
“Ash,youweremygirlforyears.Butbeforethatwewerefriends.Thebestoffriends.Ishouldhave
neverletonesnagintheroadcausemetoturnonyoulikeIdid.Itwaswrong.Youtookalltheblamefor
somethingthatwasn’tentirelyyourfault.ItwasBeau’sanditwasmine.”
“Yours?How—”
“IknewBeaulovedyou.I’dseenthewayhelookedatyou.Ialsoknewyoulovedhim,morethanyou
didme.YoutwohadasecretbondIdidn’tgettoshare.Iwasjealous.Beauwasmycousinandyouwere
theprettiestgirlI’deverseen.Iwantedyouformyself.So,Iaskedyouout.WithoutgoingtoBeaufirst,
neveronceaskinghimhowhefeltaboutit.YouacceptedandjustlikemagicIbrokeupthebondyoutwo
shared. You guys never talked anymore. There were no more late night roof talks and no more bailing
y’all out of trouble. Beau was my friend and you were my girlfriend. It was as if your friendship had
neverbeen.Iwasselfishandignoredtheguiltuntilitwentaway.OnlythetimesIsawhimwatchingyou,
with that pained, needy expression, did the guilt stir in my gut. It was mixed with fear. Fear you’d see
whatI’ddone,andgotohim.FearI’dloseyou.”
Ireacheddownandranmyhandoverhishair.“Ilovedyoutoo.Iwantedtobegoodenoughforyou.I
wantedtobethegoodgirlyoudeserved.”
“Ash,youwereperfectjustthewayyouwere.Iwastheonewholetyouchange.Ilikedthechange.It’s
oneofthemanyreasonsIfearedI’dloseyou.DeepdownIknewonedaythatfreespirityou’dquenched
would fight to be released. It happened. And the fact it happened with Beau doesn’t surprise me in the
least.”
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I never meant to hurt you. I made a mess of things. You aren’t going to have to
watchBeauandmetogether.I’msteppingoutofbothyourlives.Youcangetbackwhatwaslost.”
Sawyerreachedupandgrabbedmyhand.“Don’tdothat,Ash.Heneedsyou.”
“No, it’s what he wants too. Today he hardly acknowledged me. He only spoke to me when he was
makingapointtoeveryoneelsethatIwastobeleftalone.”
Sawyerletoutasadlaugh.“Hewon’tlastlong.He’sneverbeenabletoignoreyou.Notevenwhenhe
knewIwaswatchinghim.Rightnowhe’sdealingwithalot.Andhe’sdealingwithitalone.Don’tpush
himaway.”
IjumpeddownfromthebranchandhuggedSawyer.“Thankyou.Youracceptancemeanstheworldto
me. But right now he needs you. You’re his brother. I’ll just be a hindrance to you two dealing with
everything.”
Sawyerreachedoutandtwirledastrandofmyhairaroundhisfinger.“EvenifIwaswrongtotakeyou
withoutathoughttoBeau’sfeelings,Ican’tmakemyselfregretit.I’vehadthreeamazingyearswithyou,
Ash.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.I’dhadgoodtimestoobutIdidregretchoosingthewrongVincentboy.He
gavemeonelastsadsmilethendroppedmyhairandwalkedaway.
Beau
Sawyerwasn’twalkingbacktothefourwheelerhe’ddrivenouthere.Hewasheadedstraightforme.I
should’veknownhe’dfeltmewatchingthem.Ididn’tstepoutoftheshadows.InsteadIwaitedonhimto
join me in the darkness. Away from Ashton’s view. My body was strung tight as a cord. When she’d
huggedhimIwasn’tsureI’dbeabletokeepfromjerkinghimoffherandhurlinghimintothedamnlakeif
hesomuchasgotclosetohermouth.
“Didyouseeandhearenough?”Sawyerasked,comingupbesidemetoturnaroundandlookbackat
Ashton.ShewasnolongerwatchingSawyer’sretreat.Insteadsheturnedbacktothewater.Thebreeze
playedwithherlongblondehair,makingmyhandsitchtogorunmyfingersthroughit.
“Yes,”Ireplied,hatinghewasasmesmerizedbyherasIwas.
“She’sallyoursnow,bro.We’vefoundourclosure.”
Ihadn’tneededhisblessingbutIknewAshtonhad.
“FromthemomentIheldhershebecamemine.I’msorryIdidthistoyoubutyouneverreallylovedthe
realAshton.Ido.”
Sawyernoddedhishead.“Iknow.”
“I’lldowhateverIhavetoinordertobeworthyofher.She’severythingI’veeverwanted.”
“Don’tchangeforher.Shemadethatmistakewithme.Shefellinlovewithyoujustthewayyouare.
Justbeyou,Beau.Justbeyou.”
Shelovedme.Hearingthosewordssentashiverofpleasureoverme.I’dfinallywonmygirl.“She
hadMr.Perfectandshewantedmeinstead.Doesn’tmakeanysense,”Isaid,grinningoveratSawyer.
“There’s no accounting for taste,” he chuckled and elbowed me in the ribs. “Go get her, man. She’s
convincedshehastostepoutofourlivessowecanfixourrelationship.Herheart’sbreaking.Icouldsee
itinhereyes.Sheisreadytosacrificeherhappinessinordertodowhatshethinksisbestforyou.Goput
thegirloutofhermisery.”
Stepoutofmylife.Likehell.
IslappedSawyeronthebackandheadedouttosetherstraight.ButfirstIwasgoingtofeastonthose
fulllipsofhersthatwereallpuckeredupinafrown.
Ashton
Twoarmswrappedaroundme.“God,yousmellsodamngood.”Beau’svoicewasmuffledinmyneck.
Hiswarmbreathsentchillbumpsupmyarms.
“Beau?”Icroakedout.
“Mmmhmmm,”hereplied,kissingmyneck,andnibblingonmyearlobe.Itiltedmyheadtotheside,
givinghimbetteraccesswhenIshouldhavebeentryingtostophim.Butwithhiswarmthsurroundingme
andhishandsmovingupmysidesIdecidedIdidn’tcareatthemoment.
“What?” I managed to get out as his hands teased the lower portion of my bra strap. He was
overwhelmingme.Icouldn’tgetmythoughtstogether.
“Iloveyou,Ash,”hewhisperedinmyearandkissedatrailfrommyeartomyshoulderblade.
“Uh,”Isqueakedout.Histhumbsbrushedtheundersideofmybreastandmykneesstartedtobuckle.It
hadbeensolongsincehe’dtouchedme.
“Easy,baby,”hemurmured,pullingmebackagainsthischestasheleanedagainstthetreethatheldour
speciallimb.HislegsettledbetweenmythighsandItrembled.
“I’mnotlettingyougo.You’remine,Ash.Ican’tlivewithoutyou.”Hisvoicewaslowandfierceashe
heldmetightly.
“ButSawyer...”
“Sawyer is okay with this. I’ve spoken to him. He and I are working things out. But Ash, I can’t
continuetowantyoufromadistance.Toloveyouandnothaveyou.I’dendupinjailifanyonetriedto
touchyou,andGodforbidyoutriedtodatesomeone.”
Iturnedaroundinhisarmsandlaidmyhandsagainsthishardchest.Ilovedhischest.Especiallywhen
itwasbare.
“I only want you,” I told him, staring up into his eyes. Those long black lashes shouldn’t be so
ridiculouslysexybuttheywere.Beauburiedbothhishandsinmyhairandsighed.
“Good,becauseIwantyoutoo.Now.Forever.Justyou.”
ThethoughtofforeverwithBeausenttinglesofjoythroughmybodyandshotstraighttomyheart.The
dreadandfearI’dfeltwhenSawyerhadsaidhewantedtomarrymeonedayhadnoplacehere.Because
BeauwaswhoIwanted.IthadalwaysbeenBeau.
“Cometomytruckwithme,”Beausaidinahuskywhisperagainstmyear.
Nodding, I let him take my hand and direct me back through the woods to his truck he’d left hidden.
HadSawyerseenhim?
“Sawyerwasouthere,”Itoldhimashishandslidupmysideunderneathmyshirt.
“Yeah,Iknow.Wetalked.He’sgone.It’sjustyou,meandmytruck,”herepliedwithawickedsmirkon
hisface.
Openingthepassengerdoorhepickedmeupandsatmeonthebenchseat.Hishandscoveredmyknees
and pulled my legs apart before he stepped up between them and laid me back against the seat. He
hoveredoverme,neverbreakingeyecontact.Iwasmesmerized.Thehungrygleaminhiseyesmademe
tremblewithexcitement.ThiswaswhatIwanted.IwantedtobeBeau’s.Iwantedtotouchhimandtaste
himwithoutguilt.
“Ash, baby, I need you tonight,” he whispered as he lowered his body over mine until his erection
pressedagainstme.Ilovedhearingthedesperationanddesireinhisvoice.
“Okay,”Irepliedbreathlessly,liftingmyhipstopressharderagainsthim.
“Idon’thaveacondom,”hesaidtightlyaswerubbedagainsteachother.
“Kissme,”Ireplied.Iwasn’tworriedaboutacondomjustyet.Ineededhim.
Beau’smouthcoveredmineandhistonguestrokedmineinoneswiftplunge.Archingagainsthim,the
low,pleasedgroanthatvibratedhischestmademealittlecrazy.More.Iwantedmore.Beaupulledmy
bottomlipintohismouthandsuckedgentlybeforetakingasmallnipthenslippinghistonguebackintomy
mouthandteasingandtastingme.FranticallyIcontinuedtomoveagainsthimandreachedforthehemof
hisshirt,yankingituphisbodyandforcinghimtoleanbacksoIcouldpullitoverhishead.
Hechuckledashegazeddownatme.“Youtryingtogetmenaked?”
“Yes,please,”Irepliedsweetlyandhereachedformyshirt,pullingitoffjustasswiftly.Heundidthe
clasponthefrontofmybra,baringmychesttohisview.
“Sounbelievablyperfect,”hewhispered,runninghishandsovermyerectnipples.
“Please,Beau.”
Beauloweredhishead,keepinghiseyesonmeashestuckhistongueoutandflickedmynippleseveral
times,causingmetosquealandsquirmunderhisattention.
“Mmmm,sweet,”hesaidapprovinglybeforepullingoneintohismouthandsuckingonitintently.
WhenhebeganunsnappingmyshortsandloweringthezipperIliftedmyhipssohecouldpullthemoff.
Hetookoffmypantieswiththeshortsandthrewthemupinthedashboard.Hismouthleftmyrightnipple
andbegankissingdownmystomachuntilhereachedtojustbelowmybellybutton.Hishandscaressed
the inside of my thighs before pushing them back and opening my legs to him. Shivering, I watched
helplesslyashecontinuedhisdownwardpath.IknewwherehewasgoingbutIcouldn’tdoanythingto
stop it. I was frozen with desire and need. At the first swipe of his tongue my world exploded, but he
didn’tstop.EachlicksentmeshiveringintoablisslikeI’dneverknown.Diggingmyfingernailsintohis
shouldersIheldonandscreamedhisnameoverandoverashemadeeverythingelsefadeaway.Allthat
matteredwasBeauandhowhewasmakingmefeel.
Chapter28
Beau
The crowd rushed onto the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. We’d won the state
championship,27-6.Familiesswarmedmyteammates,congratulatingandhuggingthem.Ididn’twaiton
mymommatoshowup.Shewasworkingtonight.IpulledoffmyhelmetasSawyerandEthanpouredthe
restoftheGatoradeoverCoach’shead.Hethrewouthishandsandlaughedloudly.Sawyerwashappy.
Thegrinonhisfacemademesmile.Thiswashiselement.Winningalwayshadbeen.Itwaspartofwho
he was. His mother came up behind him and tightly hugged him around his waist. Aunt Samantha had
neverbeenafanofmineandnowthatsheknewthetruthaboutmyDNAIwasprettysureshedislikedme
evenmore.Icouldn’treallyblameherforthat.
SamanthaVincentwaseverythingmymommawasn’t.Polished,polite,educatedandloving.Notonce,
growingup,couldIthinkofagamewhenAuntSamanthahadn’tbeenupinthestandscheeringhersonon.
Asakid,I’dpretendshewasmymommatooandthatallhercheeringwasformeaswell.TheolderI
got,theharderthatwastopretend.Especiallywhenherfacepinchedupinafrowneverytimeshelooked
myway.
Sawyer’s eyes met mine and his smile faded. He was doing better with me and Ash but the betrayal
wasstillthere.Iknewitwouldbealongtimebeforeitwasforgotten.Ifever.Inoddedmyheadandsaid
“Goodgame”knowinghecouldeasilyreadmylips.Hereplied,“Youtoo.”Thatwasenoughfornow.
Harris Vincent stepped in front of Sawyer, blocking my view. I watched as the man who had been
alwaysbeenmyuninterestedunclepattedthesonhelovedandacknowledgedontheback.Icouldn’thear
what he was saying but I didn’t have to. The beaming smile on Samantha’s face told me that he was
praising Sawyer’s win. He leaned forward and pulled him into a hug. A sudden tightness in my chest
surprisedme.Icouldn’tletthatin.ThiswassomethingIhadtoforgetandmoveonfrom.Mydadwas
gone.Ididn’thaveonenow.Thatman’sspermmayhavebeenafactorinmycreationbuthewasnotmy
father.Ididn’tneedahugfromhimandIsureashelldidn’tneedhisapproval.
Sawyer’seyesmetmineoverhisfather’sshoulder.Icouldseetheconcerninthem.Iknewwhathewas
thinking.Thelittleshitwasworriedaboutme.Ididn’twanthimtoworryaboutme.Iwasfine.Ididn’t
needanythingfromHarrisVincent.I’dmadeiteighteenyearswithouthim.Hewasasgoodasdeadtome.
“Youwon!”Ashton’ssquealbrokeintomythoughtsandIturnedtoseeherpushherwaythroughthe
crowduntilshewasfreetothrowherselfintomyarms.
“Hey,you,”Ireplied,holdinghertightly.Ineededthis.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutwhyIneededahug
sobadrightnow,butIdid.Ashtonwastheperfectpersontodeliverit.
“Youwereamazing.Iamgoingtobehoarsetomorrowfromscreamingsoloudly.Thatlastcatchyou
madeonthetwentywasbeautiful,”shetoldmeassheplacedkissesallovermyface.
“I’mallsweaty,baby,”ItoldherasIlaughedatherexcitement.
“Idon’tcare.YoujustwonState.It’scauseforcelebration.”
Iburiedmyheadinthecurveofherneckandinhaledhersweet,sexysmell.Muchbetterthanafieldof
sweatyguys.“IcanthinkofafewwaysI’dliketocelebrate,”Isaidagainstherneck.
“Thatsoundspromising,”shegiggledandranherhandsthroughmyhair.
“Oh,it’srealpromising,”Iassuredher.
Ashtonpulledbacksoshecouldlookupatme.“Myparentswanttoknowiftheycouldtakeusoutto
eattonight.”
TheanxioustoneofhervoicetoldmeshewasactuallyworriedI’dsayno.Thefactherparentswere
evenconsideringacceptingmeasgoodenoughtodatetheirdaughtermademewillingtodoanythingthey
asked,shortofstayingawayfromAshton.
“Soundsgoodtome,”Isaid,pressingakisstohernose.“Wherearetheytakingus?”
“Hank’s,ofcourse.Iwantaburger.”
Ipulledhertomeforakissandenjoyedthesoftfeelofherlipsagainstmine.Shedidn’tshyawayor
worryaboutwhomaybewatching.Instead,shewrappedherarmsaroundmyneckanddeepenedthekiss.
ImaynothaveparentsthatlovemebutIhaveAshton.Nothingelsereallymatters.SheisallIneed.
Ashton
Ihadn’tbeeninbedlongwhenmyphonestartedringing.IpickedituptoseeLana’snameappearonthe
screen.Ihadn’ttalkedtoherinaboutaweek.CuriousastowhyshewascallingsolateIpressed‘OK’
andputthephonetomyear.
“Hello?”
“Hey,Ihopeit’snottoolate,”shereplied.
“Nope.Notatall.What’sup?”Iasked,knowingshewasn’tcallingmeatmidnightbecauseshewanted
tochat.
“Um,well,IwaswonderingifmaybeyouthinkthissummerIcouldcomevisityou.”
TheideaofhavingAuntCarolineinmyhouseevenforaweekthissummermademecringe.ButIdid
missLana.Icouldn’tnotseeherbecausehermomdrovemenuts.
“Sure.Whatweekareyouthinkingofcoming?”Iasked,hopingitwasonlyaweek.
Lanapausedamoment.“IwaskindofwonderingifmaybeIcouldcomedownaftergraduationandstay
thesummerwithyou.Beforewegoofftocollege—maybehaveonelastsummertohangout?”
Wait...thewholesummer?TherewasnowayIcouldputupwithAuntCarolineallsummer.Mydad
may even move out if that happened. But surely Aunt Caroline wouldn’t have Lana calling me to see if
theycouldstaythesummer.She’djustcallmymom.Sodidthatmean...
“Doyoumeanjust—you—comevisitforthesummer?Notyourmom?”
Lanaletoutasmalllaughontheotherendoftheline.“Yes,Imeanjustme.Momhasthingstodothis
summer.IneedsomedistancefromherbeforeIgocrazy.SheandDadarestillateachother’sthroats.”
“Then,YES!Iwouldloveforyoutocomespendthesummer...”Ipaused,realizingthatLanawasn’t
afanofBeauandthathewouldbewithmeallsummer.Wasthisagoodidea?Ididn’twanthertomake
himfeelunwanted.Hehadenoughofthatwithhisstupidfatherandhisaunt.
“I think this is a great idea. I’d love to see you but you understand that I’m with Beau now . . .?” I
trailedoff,waitingonhertorespond.
“Oh,yes,Iknow.I’mglady’allworkedthisallout.Howarethingsgoingwiththosetwothesedays?Is
SawyerhandlingthefactyouandBeauaretogetherbetternow?”
Notexactly.Maybe.Ididn’twanttogivehercausetodislikeBeaumoresoIdecidedonasmallwhite
lie.
“Yes,weareallmovingon.SawyerandBeauareevenbondingagain.Soonitwillallbewaterunder
thebridge.”
“That’swonderful.I’msogladit’sallworkedoutsowellforyou.”Thesincerityinhervoicemademe
feel guilty. I loved Lana but her sweet, innocent, trusting heart made me feel like an awful person
sometimes.
“Yep,lifeisgood.”Thatwasn’talie.Lifewasgood.IhadBeau.
“So,doyouthinkyoumighttalktoyourmomaboutcallingmymomandconvincingherthissummer
thingisagoodidea?”
Shereallymustneedtogetawayifshewasalreadyplanningherescape.TheleastIcoulddowasget
Momtohelpherout.Besides,itwouldbefun.IcouldfixherupwithKyle,orEthanorJustin.Ethanwas
thesweetestoutofthosethree.Hewasprobablyabetterfit.
“I’lltalktoherinthemorning.I’msureshe’lllovetheidea.”
“Thankyousomuch,”Lanareplied.Icouldheartheexcitementinhervoice.Yeah,I’dbeexcitedtooif
IwasgoingtoescapeAuntCarolineafewmonthssoonerthanplanned.
“Noproblem.It’llbefun,”Iassuredher.
Wesaidourgoodbyesandhungup.Irolledoveronmybackandstaredattheceilingfan.Tonighthad
been amazing. Both my parents had been nice to Beau and congratulated him. We’d had a good dinner.
Then Dad had even let Beau drive me home. He’d gone very slow and I’d taken full advantage of him
whilehewasdriving.AsmiletuggedatmylipswhenIthoughtabouthowsexyhelookedtryingtodrive
andremaincalmwhileIteasedhim.
ThenanimageofSawyerflashedinmyhead.Ihadn’tspokentohimafterthegame.Hisparentshad
beenwithhimandIwasn’treadytofacethemjustyet.He’dalsohadafewcheerleadershangingonhis
arms.Ididn’tcarebutIfigureditwasbestIkeptmydistance.Maybehe’dmoveonwithoneofthem.I
wantedtofindawayforustobefriendsagain.Imissedhim.Hewasimportanttome.Wedidn’tbelong
togetherbutwehadbeenfriendswaybeforewe’denteredintoarelationship.ReachingformyphoneI
decidedI’dleavehimatextbeforeIchickenedout.Smallstepstohelpbridgethegapingholebetween
himandBeauandme.
Me:Youplayedanexcellentgametonight.I’msoproudofyou.
Ipressedsendandwaited.JustwhenIthoughthewasn’tgoingtorespondmyphonedinged.
Sawyer:Thanks.
Don’tmiss
THEVINCENTBROTHERS
Comingsoon...
Sawyer Vincent is still heartbroken over his break-up with Ashton Gray, but Lana McDaniel thinks she
mightjusthaveacure.Lana’slivedinhercousinAshton’sshadowallherlife,butnowshe’stakingthe
leadandisdeterminedtomakeSawyerherman.ButcanshebesurethatSawyer’snotjustusingherto
getbackatAshton?AndwhatifSawyerseesthroughhernewsexyversionofherselfanddiscoversthe
shy,geekygirlsheusedtobe?
AbouttheAuthor
AbbiGlinescanbefoundhangingoutwithrockstars,takingoutheryachtonweekendsforapartycruise,
skydiving,orsurfinginMaui.Okay,maybesheneedstokeepherimaginationfocusedonherwriting.In
therealworld,Abbicanbefoundhaulingkids(severalwhoseemtoshowupthatdon’tbelongtoher)to
alltheirsocialevents,hidingunderthecoverswithherMacBookinhopesherhusbandwon’tcatchher
watchingBuffyonNetflixagain,andsneakingofftoBarnesandNobletospendhourslostintheyummy
goodness of books. She blogs regularly but rarely about anything life changing. She also really enjoys
talkingaboutherselfinthethirdperson.VisitAbbiat
FirstpublishedinGreatBritainin2012byHotKeyBooks,
NorthburghHouse,10NorthburghStreet,LondonEC1V0AT
Copyright©2012AbbiGlines
Themoralrightsoftheauthorhavebeenasserted.
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedortransmittedinanyformbyanymeans,electronic,
mechanical,photocopyingorotherwise,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.
Allcharactersinthispublicationarefictitiousandanyresemblancetorealpersons,livingordead,is
purelycoincidental.
ACIPcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary.
ebookISBN:978-1-4714-0151-0
1
Document Outline
- Praise for The The Vincent Boys and The Vincent Brothers by Abbi Glines
- Title Page
- Contents
- Dedication
- Seven Years Ago . . .
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 3
- Chapter 4
- Chapter 5
- Chapter 6
- Chapter 7
- Chapter 8
- Chapter 9
- Chapter 10
- Chapter 11
- Chapter 12
- Chapter 13
- Chapter 14
- Chapter 15
- Chapter 16
- Chapter 17
- Chapter 18
- Chapter 19
- Chapter 20
- Chapter 21
- Chapter 22
- Chapter 23
- Chapter 24
- Chapter 25
- Chapter 26
- Chapter 27
- Chapter 28
- About the Author
- Copyright
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