PublishedbyJ.Lynn

Copyright©2013.

CoverbySarahHansen

ISBN:978-0-9889829-0-1

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Cursed

Dedicatedtothosewhoarereadingthisbookrightnow.Withoutyou,noneofthiswouldbe

possible.Youguysrockmyfuzzysocks.

Chapter1

Thereweretwothingsinlifethatscaredtheever-lovingcrapoutofme.Wakingupinthemiddleofthe

nightanddiscoveringaghostwithitstransparentfaceshovedinminewasoneofthem.Notlikelyto
occur,butstillprettydamnfreakytothinkabout.Thesecondthingwaswalkingintoacrowdedclassroom
late.

Iabsolutelyloathedbeinglate.
Ihatedforpeopletoturnandstare,whichtheyalwaysdidwhenyouenteredaclassroomaminute

afterclassstarted.

ThatwaswhyIhadobsessivelyplottedthedistancebetweenmyapartmentinUniversityHeightsand

thedesignatedparkinglotforcommuterstudentsovertheweekendonGoogle.AndIactuallydroveit
twiceonSundaytomakesureGooglewasn’tleadingmeastray.

Onepointtwomilestobeexact.
Fiveminutesinthecar.
IevenleftfifteenminutesearlysoIwouldarrivetenminutesbeforemynine-tenclassbegan.
WhatIdidn’tplanforwasthemilelongtrafficback-upatthestopsign,becauseGodforbidtherewas

anactuallightinthehistoricaltown,orthefacttherewasabsolutelynoparkingleftoncampus.Ihadto
parkatthetrainstationadjacenttothecampus,wastingprecioustimediggingupquartersforthemeter.

“Ifyouinsistonmovinghalfwayacrossthecountry,atleaststayinoneofthedorms.Theydohave

dormsthere,don’tthey?”Mymom’svoicefilteredthroughmythoughtsasIstoppedinfrontoftheRobert
ByrdScienceBuilding,outofbreathfromracingupthesteepest,mostinconvenienthillinhistory.

OfcourseIhadn’tchosentostayinadorm,becauseIknewatsomepoint,myparentswouldrandomly

showupandtheywouldstartjudgingandstarttalkingandI’dratherpunt-kickmyselfinthefacebefore
subjectinganinnocentbystandertothat.Instead,Itappedintomywell-earnedbloodmoneyandleaseda
two-bedroomapartmentnexttocampus.

Mr.andMrs.Morganstenhadhatedthat.
Andthathadmademeextremelyhappy.
ButnowIwassortofregrettingmylittleactofrebellion,becauseasIhurriedoutofthehumidheatof

alateAugustmorningandintotheair-conditionedbrickbuilding,itwasalreadyelevenminutespastnine
andmyastronomyclasswasonthesecondfloor.And,whyinthehelldidIchooseastronomy?

Maybebecausetheideaofsittingthroughanotherbiologyclassmademewanttohurl?Yep.Thatwas

it.

Racingupthewidestaircase,Ibarreledthroughthedoubledoorsandsmackedrightintoabrickwall.
Stumblingbackward,myarmsflailedlikeacracked-outcrossingguard.Myover-packedmessenger

bagslipped,pullingmetooneside.Myhairflewitfrontofmyface,asheetofauburnthatobscured
everythingasIteetereddangerously.

OhdearGod,Iwasgoingdown.Therewasnostoppingit.Visionsofbrokennecksdancedinmyhead.

Thiswasgoingtosuckso—

Somethingstrongandhardwentaroundmywaist,stoppingmyfreefall.Mybaghitthefloor,spilling

overpricedbooksandpensacrosstheshinyfloor.Mypens!Mygloriouspensrolledeverywhere.A
secondlaterIwaspressedagainstthewall.

Thewallwasstrangelywarm.
Thewallchuckled.
“Whoa,”adeepvoicesaid.“Youokay,sweetheart?”
Thewallwassonotawall.Itwasaguy.Myheartstoppedandforafrighteningsecond,pressure

clampeddownonmychestandIcouldn’tmoveorthink.Iwasthrownbackfiveyears.Stuck.Couldn’t
move.Airpunchedfrommylungsinapainfulrushastinglesspreadupthebackofmyneck.Everymuscle
lockedup.

“Hey,”thevoicesoftened,edgedwithconcern.“Areyouokay?”
Iforcedmyselftotakeadeepbreath—tojustbreathe.Ineededtobreathe.Airin.Airout.Ihad

practicedthisoverandoveragainforfiveyears.Iwasn’tfourteenanymore.Iwasn’tthere.Iwashere,
halfwayacrossthecountry.

Twofingerspressedundermychin,forcingmyheadup.Startling,deepblueeyesframedwiththick,

blacklashesfixedonmine.Abluesovibrantandelectric,andsuchastarkcontrastagainsttheblack
pupils,Iwonderediftheywerereal.

Andthenithitme.
Aguywasholdingme.Aguyhadneverheldme.Ididn’tcountthatonetime,becausethattimedidn’t

countforshit,andIwaspressedagainsthim,thightothigh,mychesttohis.Likeweweredancing.My
sensesfriedasIinhaledthelightscentofcologne.Wow.Itsmelledgoodandexpensive,likehis…

Angersuddenlyrushedthroughme,asweetandfamiliarthing,pushingawaytheoldpanicand

confusion.Ilatchedontoitdesperatelyandfoundmyvoice.“Let.Go.Of.Me.”

Blueeyesimmediatelydroppedhisarm.Unpreparedforthesuddenlossofsupport,Iswayedtothe

side,catchingmyselfbeforeItrippedovermybag.BreathinglikeI’djustranamile,Ipushedthethick
strandsofhairoutofmyfaceandfinallygotagoodlookatBlueeyes.

SweetbabyJesus,BlueEyeswas…
Hewasgorgeousinallthewaysthatmadegirlsdostupidthings.Hewastall,agoodheadortwo

tallerthanmeandbroadattheshoulders,buttaperedatthewaist.Anathlete’sbody—likeaswimmer’s.
Wavyblackhairtoppledoverhisforehead,brushingmatchingeyebrows.Broadcheekbonesandwide,
expressivelipscompletedthepackagecreatedforgirlstodroolover.Andwiththosesapphire-colored
eyes,holymoley…

WhothoughtaplacenamedShepherdstownwouldbehidingsomeonewholookedlikethis?
AndIranintohim.Literally.Nice.“I’msorry.Iwasinahurrytogettoclass.I’mlateand…”
Hislipstippeduponthecornersasheknelt.HestartedgatheringupmystuffandforabriefmomentI

feltlikecrying.Icouldfeeltearsbuildinginmythroat.Iwasreallylatenow,likenowaycouldIwalk
intothatclassandonthefirstday.Fail.

Dippingdown,IletmyhairfallforwardandshieldmyfaceasIstartedgrabbingupmypens.“You

don’thavetohelpme.”

“It’snoproblem.”Hepickedupaslipofpaperandthenglancedup.“Astronomy101?I’mheading

thatway,too.”

Great.ForthewholesemesterI’dhavetoseetheguyInearlykilledinthehallway.“You’relate,”I

saidlamely.“Ireallyamsorry.”

Withallmybooksandpensbackinmybag,hestoodashehandeditbacktome.“It’sokay.”That

crookedgrinspread,revealingadimpleinhisleftcheek,butnothingontherightside,though.“I’mused
tohavinggirlsthrowthemselvesatme.”

Iblinked,thinkingIhadn’theardtheblue-eyedbaberight,becausesurelyhehadn’tsaidsomethingas

lameasthat.

Hehadandhewasn’tdone.“Tryingtojumponmybackisnew,though.Kindoflikedit.”
Feelingmycheeksburn,Isnappedoutofit.“Iwasn’ttryingtojumponyourbackorthrowmyselfat

you.”

“Youweren’t?”Thelopsidedgrinremained.“Well,that’sashame.Ifso,itwouldhavemadethisthe

bestfirstdayofclassinhistory.”

Ididn’tknowwhattosayasIclutchedtheheavybagtomychest.Guyshadn’tflirtedwithmebackat

home.Mostofthemhadn’tdaredtolookinmydirectioninhighschoolandtheveryfewthatdid,well,
theyhadn’tbeenflirting.

BlueEyes’gazedroppedtotheslipofpaperinhishand.“AveryMorgansten?”
Myheartjumped.“Howdoyouknowmyname?”
Hecockedhisheadtothesideasthesmileinchedwider.“It’sonyourschedule.”
“Oh.”Ipushedthewavystrandsofhairbackfrommyhotface.Hehandedmyscheduleback,andI

tookit,slippingitintomybag.AwholelotofawkwarddescendedasIfumbledwithmystrap.

“MynameisCameronHamilton,”BlueEyessaid.“ButeveryonecallsmeCam.”
Cam.Irolledthenamearound,likingit.“Thankyouagain,Cam.”
HebentoverandpickedupablackbackpackIhadn’tnoticed.Severallocksofdarkhairfelloverhis

foreheadandashestraightened,hebrushedthemaway.“Well,let’smakeourgrandentrance.”

MyfeetwererootedtothespotwhereIstoodasheturnedandstrolledthecoupleoffeettotheclosed

doortoroom205.Hereachedforthehandle,lookingoverhisshoulder,waiting.

Icouldn’tdoit.Itdidn’thaveanythingtodowiththefactthatIplowedintowhatwaspossiblythe

sexiestguyoncampus.Icouldn’twalkintotheclassandhaveeverybodyturnandstare.I’dhadenoughof
beingthecenterofattentioneverywhereIwentforthelastfiveyears.Sweatbrokeoutanddottedmy
forehead.MystomachtightenedasItookastepback,awayfromtheclassroomandCam.

Heturned,browsknittedasacuriousexpressionsettledonhisstrikingface.“You’regoinginthe

wrongdirection,sweetheart.”

I’dbeengoinginthewrongdirectionhalfmylifeitseemed.“Ican’t.”
“Can’twhat?”Hetookasteptowardme.
AndIbolted.IactuallyspunaroundandranlikeIwasintheraceforthelastcupofcoffeeinthe

world.AsImadeittothosedamndoubledoors,Iheardhimcalloutmyname,butIkeptgoing.

MyfacewasflamingasIhurrieddownthestairs,outofbreathasIburstoutofthesciencebuilding.

MylegskeptmovinguntilIsatdownonabenchoutsideoftheadjacentlibrary.Theearlymorningsun
seemedtoobrightasIliftedmyheadandsqueezedmyeyesshut.

Geez.
Whatawaytomakeafirstimpressioninanewcity,newschool…newlife.Imovedoverathousand

milestostartoverandIalreadymuckeditupinamatterofminutes.

Chapter2

Ihadtwooptionsatthispoint:letgoandmoveonfrommydisastrousattempttoattendmyfirstclass

ofmycollegecareerorgohome,climbintobed,andpullthecoversovermyhead.Isowantedtoindulge
inthesecondoption,butthatwasn’tme.

IfrunningandhidingwasmyMO,Iwould’veneversurvivedhighschool.
Reachingdown,Icheckedthewide,silverbraceletonmyleftwrist,makingsureitwasinplace.I

almostdidn’tsurvivehighschool.

MomandDadhadpitchedafitwhenI’dinformedthemofmyplanstoattendauniversityclearacross

thecountry.IfithadbeenHarvard,Yale,orSweetBriar,theywouldhavebeenallaboutitthen,buta
non-ivyleagueuniversity?Forshame.Theyjustdidn’tunderstand.Theyneverdid.Therewasnowayin
holyhellIwasgoingtoattendthecollegetheyhadgonetoorenrollwherehalfthecountryclubback
homeforcedtheirkidstoattend.

IwantedtogowhereIwouldn’tseeafamiliarsneerorhearthewhispersthatstilldrippedfrom

people’slipslikeacid.Wherepeoplehadn’theardthestoryorwhateverversionofthetruththathadbeen
repeatedoverandoveragainuntilsometimesIquestionedwhatreallyhadhappenedHalloweennight
fiveyearsago.

Noneofthemmatteredhere,though.Nooneknewme.Noonesuspectedanything.Andnooneknew

whatthebracelethidonsummerdayswhenalongsleeveshirtwouldn’twork.

Comingherehadbeenmydecisionandithadbeentherightthingtodo.
Myparentshadthreatenedtocutoffmytrustfund,whichI’dfoundhilarious.Ihadmyownmoney—

moneytheyhadnocontroloveronceIturnedeighteen.MoneyIhadearned.Tothem,Ihadletthemdown
yetagain,butifIstayedinTexasoraroundanyofthosepeople,Iwouldbedead.

Glancingatthetimeonmycellphone,Ipushedtomyfeetandslungmybagovermyshoulder.Atleast

Iwouldn’tbelatetomyhistoryclass.

Historywasinthesocialsciencesbuilding,atthebottomofthehillIhadjustracedup.Icutthrough

theparkinglotbehindtheByrdbuildingandcrossedthecongestedstreet.Allaroundmestudentswalked
ingroupsoftwoorlarger,manyobviouslykneweachother.Insteadoffeelingleftout,therewasa
precioussenseoffreedominwalkingtoclasswithoutbeingrecognized.

Pushingmyepicfailofamorningoutoftheway,IenteredWhitehallandtookthefirstsetofstepsto

theright.Thehallwayupstairswascrowdedwithstudentswaitingfortheroomstoempty.Ithreaded
throughthelaughinggroups,dodgingsomewhostilllookedhalfasleep.Findinganemptyspotacross
frommyclassroom,Isatdownagainstthewallandcrossedmylegs.Iranmyhandsovermyjeans,
excitedtobestartinghistory.MostpeoplewouldbeboredtotearsinHistory101,butitwasmyfirst
classinmymajor.

AndifIgotlucky,fiveyearsfromnow,I’dbeworkinginasilentandcoolmuseumorlibrary,

cataloguingancienttextsorartifacts.Notthemostglamorousofprofessions,butitwouldbeperfectfor
me.

BetterthanwhatIusedtowanttobe,whichwasaprofessionaldancerinNewYork.
YetanotherthingMomhadtobedisappointedover.AllthatmoneythrownatballetlessonssinceI

wasoldenoughtowalkwaswastedafterIturnedfourteen.

Ididmissitthough,thecalmingeffectdancinghadbroughton.Ijustcouldn’tbringmyselftoeverdoit

again.

“Girl,whatareyoudoingsittingonthefloor?”
MyheadjerkedupandasmilebrokeoutacrossmyfacewhenIsawthewide,brightsmilestretching

acrossthecarameltoneofJacobMassey’sboyishly,handsomeface.We’dbuddiedupduringfreshman
orientationlastweekandhewasinmynextclass,plusartonTuesday’sandThursday’s.I’dimmediately
warmedtohisoutgoingpersonality.

Iglancedattheexpensivelookingjeanshewore,recognizingthetailoredcut.“It’scomfortabledown

here.Youshouldjoinme.”

“Hellno.Idon’twantmyfineasstobetaintedbysittingonthatfloor.”Heproppedahipagainstthe

wallbesidemeandgrinned.“Wait.Whatareyoudoingherealready?Ithoughtyouhadaclassatnine.”

“Yourememberthat?”We’dexchangedschedulesforlikeahalfasecondlastweek.
Hewinked.“Ihaveafrighteningmemoryforthingsthatarevirtuallyuselesstome.”
Ilaughed.“Goodtoknow.”
“Sodidyouskipalready?Youbad,badgirl.”
Wincing,Ishookmyhead.“Yes,butIwasrunninglate,andIhategoingintoaclassroomafterclass

starts,soIguessmyfirstdaywillbeWednesdayifIdon’tdropitbeforethen.”

“Dropit?Girl,don’tbestupid.Astronomyisacakeclass.Iwould’vetakenitifithadn’tfilledupin

twosecondsflatwhenallthedamnupperclassmantooktheclass.”

“Well,youdidn’tnearlykillaguyinahallwayracingtoclass—aguywhohappenstoalsobeinsaid

cakeclass.”

“What?”Hisdarkeyeswidenedwithinterestandhestartedtokneeldown.Someonecaughthis

attention.“Holdonasec,Avery.”Thenhestartedwavinghisarmandjumping.“Yo!Brittany.Getyour
assoverhere!”

Ashortblondegirljerkedtoastopinthemiddleofthehallandturnedtowardus,hercheeksflushing,

butshesmiledasshesawJacobhoppingaround.Shecutherwayover,stoppinginfrontofus.

“Brittany,thisisAvery.”Jacobbeamed.“Avery,thisisBrittany.Sayhi.”
“Hi,”Brittanysaid,givingmealittlewave.
Iwavedback.“Hey.”
“Averyisabouttotellushowshealmostkilledaguyinahallway.Thoughtyou’dliketohearthestory

too.”

Iwinced,butthesparkofinterestinBrittany’sbrowneyeswaskindoffunnyasshelookedatme.“Do

tell,”shesaid,smiling.

“Well,Ireallydidn’talmostkillsomeone,”Isaid,sighing.“Butitwascloseanditwasso,so

embarrassing.”

“Embarrassingstoriesarethebest,”Jacobthrewout,kneelingdown.
Brittanylaughed.“Thatistrue.”
“Spillit,sister.”
Ituckedmyhairbackandloweredmyvoicesothewholehalldidn’trevelinmyhumiliation.“Iwas

runninglatetoastronomyandIsortofranthroughthedoubledoorsonthesecondfloor.Iwasn’twatching
whereIwasgoingandIplowedintothispoorguyinthehallway.”

“Yikes.”AsympatheticlookedcrossedBrittany’sface.
“Yeah,andImean,Ialmostknockedhimover.Idroppedmystuff.Booksandpensfleweverywhere.It

wasprettyepic.”

Jacob’seyesgleamedwithhumor.“Washehot?”
“What?”
“Washehot?”herepeatedashesmoothedahandthroughhiscroppedhair.“‘Cuzifhewashot,you

should’veusedittoyourbenefit.Thatcould’vebecomethebesticebreakerinhistory.Likeyoutwo
couldfallmadlyinloveandyougettotelleveryonehowyouplowedhimbeforeheactuallyplowed

you.”

“Oh,myGod.”Ifeltafamiliarheatcrossmycheeks.“Yeah,hewasreallygood-looking.”
“Ohno,”saidBrittany,whoseemedtobetheonlyotherpersontorecognizehowahotguymadethe

situationallthemoreembarrassing.Iguessyouneededavaginatounderstandthat,becauseJacoblooked
evenmorethrilledbythenews.

“Sotellmewhatthisgood-lookingmancandylookedlike?Thisisaneedtoknowkindofdetail.”
Partofmedidn’twanttosay,becausethinkingaboutCammademeaboutathousanddifferentlevelsof

uncomfortable.“Uh…well,hewasreallytallandnicelybuilt,Iguess.”

“Howdoyouknowhewasnicelybuilt?Didyoufeelhimup,too?”
IlaughedasBrittanyshookherhead.“Iseriouslyranintohim,Jacob.Andhecaughtme.Iwasn’t

feelinghimuponpurpose,butheseemedlikehehadagoodbody.”Ishrugged.“Anyway,hehaddark,
wavyhair.Longerthanyours,kindofmessybutina—”

“Damn,girl,ifyousaymessyinaI-don’t-care-I’m-a-sexy-beastkindofway,Iwanttorunintothis

guy.”

Brittanygiggled.“Lovehairlikethat.”
Iwonderedifmyfacelookedashotasitfelt.“Yeah,itwaslikethat.Hewasreallygorgeousandhis

eyesweresobluetheylooked—”

“Wait,”Brittanygasped,herowneyeswidening.“Werehiseyeslikesobluetheyalmostlookfake?

Anddidhesmelllikereallygood?Iknowthatsoundscreepyandweird,butjustanswerthequestion.”

Thatwaskindofcreepyandweirdandreallyfunny.“Yestoboth.”
“Holyshitonashoe.”Brittanyletoutaloudlaugh.“Didyougethisname?”
Iwasstartingtogetworried,becauseJacobalsohadthisdawningexpressiononhisface.“Yeah,

why?”

BrittanyelbowedJacobandthensheloweredhervoice.“WasitCameronHamilton?”
Myjawhitmylap.
“Itwas!”Brittany’sshouldersshook.“YouranintoCameronHamilton?”
Jacobwasn’tsmiling.Hewasjuststaringatmein…awe?“Iamsoincrediblyenviousofyouright

now.IwouldgivemylefttesticletorunintoCameronHamilton.”

Ihalflaughed,halfchoked.“Wow.That’sprettyserious.”
“CameronHamiltonisserious,Avery.Youwouldn’tknow.You’renotfromaroundhere,”Jacobsaid.
“You’reafreshman,too.Howdoyouknowabouthim?”Iasked,becauseCamlookedtoooldtobea

freshman.Hehadtoatleastbeajuniororsenior.

“Everyoneoncampusknowshim,”hereplied.
“You’vebeenoncampusforlessthanaweek!”
Jacobgrinned.“Igetaround.”
Ilaughed,shakingmyhead.“Idon’tgetit.Yeah,he’s…hot,butsowhat?”
“IwenttoschoolwithCameron,”Brittanyexplained,glancingoverhershoulder.“Imean,hewastwo

yearsolderthanme,buthewasliketheshitinhighschool.Everyonewantedtobearoundhimorwith
him.It’sprettymuchthesamehere.”

CuriosityroseinspiteofhowwhatBrittanyhadsaidremindedmeofsomeoneelse.“Soyouguysare

fromaroundhere?”

“No.We’refromoutsideofMorgantown—FortHillarea.Idon’tknowwhyhechosethisschool

insteadofWVU,butIdidbecauseIwantedtogetoutoftownversusbeingstuckwiththesameold
people.”

Icouldunderstandthat.

“Anyway,Cameronisknownaroundcampus.”Jacobsmackedhishandstogether.“Helivesoff

campusandsupposedlythrowsthebestpartieseverand—”

“Hehadareputationinhighschool,"Brittanycutin."Areputationthatwaswellearned.

Don'tgetmewrong.Cameronhasalwaysbeenareallycoolguy.Veryniceandfunny,butheputthe'or'in
man-whorebackthen.Seemstohavesettleddownabit,butaleopardandtheirspots…”

“Okay.”Ifiddledwithmybracelet.“Goodtoknow,butitdoesn’treallymatter.Imean,Iranintohim

inahallway.That’stheextentofmyknowledgeofCam.”

“Cam?”Brittanyblinked.
“Yeah?”Ishovedtomyfeetandgrabbedmybag.Doorswouldopensoon.
Brittany’sbrowsknitted.“Peoplewhohedoesn’tknowcallhimCameron.Onlyhisfriendscallhim

Cam.”

“Oh.”Ifrowned.“HetoldmepeoplecalledhimCam,soIassumedthat’swhatpeoplecalledhim.”
Brittanydidn’tsayanything,andIhonestlydidn’tseewhatthebigdealwas.Cam/Cameron/Whatever

wasjustbeingpoliteafterIranhimover.Thefactthathewasareformedpartyplayboymeantnothingto
meotherthantostayfar,farawayfromhim.

Doorsswungopenandstudentsspilledintothehallway.Ourlittlegroupwaiteduntilitclearedbefore

weheadedinside,pickingthreeseatsintheback,withJacobin-betweenus.AsIpulledoutmymassive,
couldknocksomeoneoutifhitwith,fivesubjectnotebook,Jacobgrabbedmyarm.

Mischiefandtotalmayhemfilledhisgaze.“Youcannotdropastronomy.Togetthroughthissemester,I

mustlivevicariouslythroughyouandhearaboutCamatleastthreedaysaweek.”

Ilaughedsoftly.“I’mnotgoingtodroptheclass—”EventhoughIsortofwantedto.“—ButIdoubt

I’mgoingtohaveanythingtotellyou.It’snotlikewe’reevengoingtotalkagain.”

Jacobletgoofmyarmandsatback,eyeingme.“Famouslastwords,Avery.”

#

Therestofthedaywasn’tnearlyaseventfulasmymorninghadbeen,muchtomypleasure.Nomore

innocenthotboysalmostknockedoverorotherhumiliatingincidents.AlthoughIhadtorelivethe
experiencealloveragainatlunchforJacob’sentertainment,IwashappythatheandBrittanyhadabreak
aroundthesametimeIdid.I’dreallybeenplanningonspendingmostofmydaybeingaloner,soitwas
nicetoactuallytalktopeople…myownage.

Beingsocialwaslikeridingabike,Iguessed.
AndbesidesJacob’sunneededadvice,whichentailedmepurposelyrunningintoCamthenexttimeI

sawhim,therehadn’tbeenanyawkwardmoments.Bytheendoftheday,Ihonestlyhadprettymuch
forgottenaboutCam.

BeforeIleftcampus,Iheadeddowntothefinancialbuildingtopickupanapplicationforwork-study.

Ididn’tneedthemoney,butIneededthetimesuckagetokeepmymindoccupied.Ihadafullload—
eighteencredithours—butIwouldhaveacraptonoffreetime.Ajoboncampusseemedliketheright
thingtogofor,buttherewerenospotsopen.Mynamewentonanextendedwaitinglist.

Thecampuswasreallybeautifulinaquaint,peacefulsortofway.Itwasnothinglikethesprawling

campusesofhugeuniversities.NestledbetweenthePotomacRiverandthetiny,historicaltownof
Shepherdstown,itwaslikesomethingyou’dseeonapostcard.Largebuildingswithsteeplesmixedin
amongmoremodernstructures.Treeseverywhere.Fresh,cleanairandeverythingyouneededwithin
walkingdistance.IcouldactuallywalkonnicerdaysoratleastparkonWestCampustoavoidpayingthe
meter.

Aftergivingmyinformationforthewaitinglist,Ihoofeditbacktowardmycar,enjoyingthewarm

breeze.UnlikethismorningwhenI’dbeenrunninglate,Igotachancetocheckoutthehousesontheway

tothetrainstation.Threehouses,sidebyside,hadporchesfullofcollege-agedguys.Mostlikelythis
school’sversionoffraternityrow.

Oneguylookedup,beerinhand.Hesmiled,butthenturnedasafootballflewoutfromtheopendoor,

smackinghimintheback.Cursesexploded.

Definitelyfraternityrow.
MyspinestiffenedasIpickedupmypace,hurryingpastthehouses.Ihitanintersection,steppedout

andnearlygotslammedbyasilvertruck—oneofthosebigones,maybeaTundra—asitspedontothe
narrowroadIneededtocross.Myheartjumpedasitslammeditsbrakes,blockingmypath.

Itookastepbackontothecurb,confused.Wasthedrivergoingtoyellatme?
Thetintedpassengerwindowrolleddown,andIaboutfellflatonmyface.
CameronHamiltongrinnedatmefrombehindthewheel,baseballcapon,turnedbackward.Wispsof

darkhaircurledupundertheband.Andhewasshirtless—totallyshirtless.AndfromwhatIcouldseeof
him,justhischest,itwasamightyfinechest.Pecs—theguyhadpecs.Andatattoo.Onhisrightchest,a
sunburst,flamestrailingbackoverhisshouldersinvibranthuesofredandorange.

“AveryMorgansten,wemeetagain.”
HewasthelastpersonIwantedtosee.Ihadtheshittiestluckknowntoman.“CameronHamilton…

hi.”

Heleanedover,droppinganarmoverthesteeringwheel.Correction.Healsohadsomereallynice

biceps.“Wehavetostopmeetinglikethis.”

Andthatwasthetruestthingeverspoken.Ineededtostopstaringathisbicep…andchest…and

tattoo.Neverthoughtthesuncouldbeso…sexy.Wow.Thiswasawkward.

“Yourunningoverme,mealmostrunningoveryou?”Camelaborated.“It’slikewe’reacatastrophe

waitingtohappen.”

Ihadnoideawhattosaytothat.Mymouthwasdry,thoughtsscattered.
“Whereyouheadingto?”
“Mycar,”Iforcedout.“I’mabouttorunoutoftime.”Notnecessarilytrue,becauseIhadbeen

generouswiththequarterssoIwouldn’tendupwithaparkingticket,buthedidn’tneedtoknowthat.
“So…”

“Well,hopin,sweetheart.Icangiveyouaride.”
Blooddrainedfrommyfaceandrushedtootherpartsofmybodyinareallyoddandconfusingway.

“No.It’sokay.I’mrightupthehill.Noneedatall.”

Thegrinspreadupontheside,revealingthatonedimple.“It’snoproblem.It’stheleastIcoulddo

afteralmostrunningyouover.”

“Thankyou,but—”
“Yo!Cam!”BeerGuyjumpedofftheporchandjoggeddownthesidewalk,passingmeaquicklook.

“Whatyouupto,man?”

Savedbythefratboy.
Cam’sgazedidn’tveerfromme,buthisgrinstartedtoslip.“Nothing,Kevin,justtryingtohavea

conversation.”

GivingCamaquickwave,IhurriedaroundKevinandthefrontofthetrunk.Ididn’tlookback,butI

couldfeelhimwatching.Overtheyears,knowingwhensomeonewasstaringatyouwhenyouweren’t
lookinghadbecomeatalentofmine.

Iforcedmyselfnottoruntothetrainstation,becauserunningawayinfrontofthesameguytwicein

onedaywasbeyondtheacceptablelevelofweirdness.Evenforme.

Ididn’trealizeI’dbeenholdingmybreathuntilIwasbehindthewheelofmycarandtheengine

humming.

Jesus.
Idroppedmyheadagainstthesteeringwheelandgroaned.Acatastrophewaitingtohappen?Yeah,

soundedaboutright.

Chapter3

SittingthroughathreehourlongsociologyclassTuesdaynighthadn’tbeenasbadasIthoughtitwould

be,butbythetimeclassletout,Iwasstarving.BeforeIheadedbacktomyapartment,Istoppedbythe
Sheetz—aconveniencestore/gasstationwedidn’thaveinTexas—andgotaMTO.AMadeToOrder
salad,heavyonthefriedchickenstripsandranchdressing.

Mmm.Healthy.
Theparkinglotwaspackedwithcars,someeveninthenearbyfieldthatbutteduptowestcampus.It

hadn’tbeenlikethiswhenI’dleftformyeveningclassandIwonderedwhatwasgoingon.Imanagedto
findaparkingspotallthewaynearthemainroadandasIturnedtheignition,mycellrattledinthecup
holder.

IgrinnedwhenIsawitwasatextfromJacob.We’dexchangednumbersearlierinclasssincehelived

inoneofthedorms.

Artsuckswasallhistextsaid.
Laughing,Isenthimaquicktextbackaboutourhomework,whichwastoidentifywhatpainting

belongedtowhatera.ThankGodforGoogle,becausethatwashowIwascompletingtheassignment.

Gatheringupmybagandfood,Iclimbedoutofmycar.TheairwasstickyandIliftedmyhairoffmy

neck,wishingIhadpulleditupintoaponytail.ThescentofautumnwasintheairthoughandIwaseager
toseecoolerweather.Maybeevensnowinthewinter.Iheadedacrossthebrightlylitparkinglot,toward
thecenterclusterofapartments.Iwasonthetopfloor—thefifth—itseemedlikealotofstudentslived
hereandmosthadn’treallystartedtoarriveuntiltoday,butassoonasIsteppeduponthesidewalk,I
knewwhereallthecarswerecomingfrom.

Musicthumpedfromsomewhereinsidemyapartmentbuilding.AlotoflightswereonandIcould

pickuppiecesofconversationasIheadedupthestairs.Onthefifthfloor,Ifoundtheculprit.The
apartmentacrossthehall,twodoorsdown,wasthrowingaparty.Thedoorwascrackedopenandlight
andmusicspilledintotheopenhallway.

AlittlebitofjealousywiggledinsidemychestasIunlockedmydoor.Allthelaughter,thenoise,and

themusicsoundedfun.Itallseemedsonormal,likesomethingIshouldbedoing,butparties….

Partiesdidn’tendwellforme.
Closingmydoorbehindme,Ikickedoffmyshoesanddroppedmybagonthecouch.Furnishingthis

apartmenthadputadentinmyaccount,butI’dbehereforfouryearsandIfiguredIcouldsellitwhenI
leftorbringitwithme.

Anditwasallmystuff.Thatmeantalottome.
Thepartyragedonacrossthehall,longafterIfinishedmynot-sohealthysalad,changedintosleep

shortsandalongsleeveshirt,andfinishedmyarthomework.ItwasjustaftermidnightwhenIgaveupon
readingmyEnglishassignmentandstartedbacktowardmybedroom.

ButIstoppedinthehallway,mytoescurlingintothecarpet.
AburstofmuffledlaughterrangoutandIknewtheirdoormust’vebeenopen,becauseitsounded

louderthanbefore.Iwasfrozen,worryingmylowerlip.WhatifIopenedthedoorandrecognized
someonefromclass?Itwasobviouslyacollegekidthrowingtheparty.MaybeIwouldknowtheperson?
SowhatifIdid?Wasn’tlikeIwasgoingtojoininwhenIwasbraless,wearingmyjammies,androcking
themessiestponytailknowntoman.

Iturnedandflippedonthebathroomlight,staringatmyreflection.Scrubbedofallmakeup,the

frecklesonthebridgeofmynosestoodwayoutandmyfaceseemedmoreflushedthannormal.Ileaned
againstthesinkmymomwould’velaughedatandpressedmyfaceclosertothemirror.

Withtheexceptionofmyreddish-brownhairthatwasfrommyfather,Iwasthespittingimageofmy

mom.Straightnose,roundedchin,andhighcheekbones,withallthecosmetichelpshe’dhadoverthe
yearstostaylookingfresh,welookedmorelikesistersinsteadofmotheranddaughter.

Footstepsechoedoutinthehall.Morelaughter.
Imadeafaceatmyreflectionandpushedawayfromthemirror.Backinthehall,Itoldmyselftogoto

sleep,butIfoundmyselfwalkingtowardmyfrontdoor.IhadnoideawhatIwasdoingorwhyIwas
beingsonosy,buteverythingsounded…warmandfunoutthereandeverythinginherewascoldand
boring.

Warmandfun?
Irolledmyeyes.God,Isoundedlame.ItwascoldinherebecauseIhadthecentralaircrankedlikea

mother.

ButIwasatthedoorandtherewasnothingstoppingme.Yankingitopen,Ipeeredoutintothe

stairwell,seeingtwoheadsdisappeardownthesteps.Thedoortothepartywasstillopen,andIstood
there,torn.Thiswasn’thome.Noonewasgoingtosendmeascathinglookoryellobscenitiesatme.If
anything,they’dprobablythinkIwassomekindoffreakjuststandingthere,halfoutmydoor,allbug-
eyed,andlettingallthecoldairout.

“BringRaphaelback!”exclaimedafamiliarvoiceandadeeplaughthathadmystomachdroppingin

stunneddisbelief.“Youfucktard!”

Irecognizedthatvoice!OhmyGod…
Itcouldn’tbe.Ihadn’tseenthebigasssilvertruckoutside,butthenagain,thereweresomanycarsand

itwasn’tlikeIwassearchingforhistruck.

Thedoorswungallthewayopen,andIfrozeasaguystumbledout,laughingashesetatortoise

—whatthefuck?—onthefloor.Thethingstuckitsheadout,lookedaround,andthendisappearedintoits
shell.

Asecondlater,theguywho’dputthetortoiseoutsidewaspulledbackintotheapartmentandCam

appearedinthedoorwayinallhisshirtlessglory.Hereacheddownandscoopedupthelittlegreenguy.
“SorryRaphael.Myfriendsarecomplete,fucking….”Helookedup.

Itriedtojerkbackinside,butitwastoolate.
Camsawme.
“Assholes…”Hedidadoubletake.“Whatthe…?”
Woulddivebombingintomyapartmentseemweird?Yes—yesitwould.SoIwentwithaverylame,

“Hey…”

Camblinkedseveraltimes,asifhesoughttoclearhisvision.“AveryMorgansten?Thisisbecominga

habit.”

“Yeah.”Iforcedmyselftoswallow.“Itis.”
“Doyoulivehereorareyouvisiting…?”
Iclearedmythroatasthetortoise’slegsstartedmovinglikeitwastryingtowiggleaway.“I…Ilive

here.”

“Noshit?”Thosebabyblueswidenedandheswaggeredaroundtherailing.Icouldn’thelpbutnotice

howhisgymshortshungwaylowonhisnarrowhips.Orhisstomach.Itwasripped,takingsixpackinto
eightpackterritory.“Youreallylivehere?”

Iforcedmygazeupandgotstockonthesuntattoo.“Yes.Ireallylivehere.”
“Thisis…Idon’tevenknow.”Helaughedagain,andImethisstare.“Reallycrazy.”
“Why?”Besidesthefacthewasstandinginmyapartmenthallway,shirtlessandbarefoot,holdinga

tortoisenamedRaphael?

“Ilivehere.”
Igapedathim.ThewholehalfnakedthingsortofmadesensenowandIguesssodidthetortoise,but

itcouldn’tbe.Waytoomanycoincidences.“You’rejoking,right?”

“No.I’vebeenlivinghereforawhile—likeacoupleofyearswithmyroommate.Youknow,the

fucktardwhoputpoorRaphaeloutside.”

“Hey!”theguyyelledfrominsidetheirapartment.“Ihaveaname.It’sSeñorFucktard!”
Camlaughed.“Anyway,didyoumoveinovertheweekend?”
Ifoundmyselfnodding.
“Makessense.Iwasbackhome,visitingthefam.”HeshiftedRaphaeltohisotherhand,cradlingthe

squirmingthingtohischest.“Well,hell…”

Iwasgrippingthedooruntilmyknucklesached.“That’s…um,yourtortoise?”
“Yeah.”Ahalfgrinappearedasheliftedthelittleguy.“RaphaelmeetAvery.”
Givingthetortoisealittlewave,Ikindoffeltstupidafterwardfordoingso.Itjuststuckitsheadback

initsgreenandbrownshell.“That’saveryinterestingpet.”

“Andthoseareveryinterestingshorts.”Hisgazedropped.“Whatarethey?”Leaningforwardhiseyes

narrowed,andIstiffened.“Pizzaslices?”

Heatswampedmycheeks.“They’reicecreamcones.”
“Huh.Ilikethem.”Straightening,hisgazedriftedupmeslowly,leavinganunfamiliarwakeofheat

behind.“Alot.”

Iimmediatelyletgoofthedoorandcrossedmyarmsovermychest.Thecornerofhislipstippedup.

Myeyesnarrowed.“Thanks.Thatmeansalottome.”

“Itshould.Theyhavemysealofapproval.”Hebitdownonhislowerlipashislasheslifted.Those

eyespiercedmine.“IneedtogetRaphaelbackinhislittlehabitatbeforehepeesonmyhand,whichhe’s
boundtodo,andthatsucks.”

Mylipstwitchedintoasmallgrin.“Icanimagine.”
“So,youshouldcomeover.Theguysareabouttoleave,butI’msurethey’llbearoundforalittle

longer.Youcanmeetthem.”Heinchedcloserandloweredhisvoice.“They’renowayasinterestingasI
am,butthey’renotbad.”

Iglancedoverhisshoulder,partofmewantingonethingandtheotherhalfwantingnothingtodowith

anyofthis.Thatpartwonout.“Thanks,butIwasheadingtobed.”

“Thisearly?”
“Ithastobeaftermidnight.”
Hisgrinwasspreading.“That’sstillearly.”
“Maybetoyou.”
“Areyousure?”heasked.“Ihavecookies.”
“Cookies?”Mybrowsrose.
“Yeah,andImadethem.I’mquitethebaker.”
Forsomereason,Icouldn’tpicturethat.“Youbakedcookies?”
“Ibakealotofthings,andI’msureyou’redyingtoknowallaboutthosethings.Buttonight,itwas

chocolateandwalnutcookies.TheyaretheshitifIdosaysomyself.”

“Asgreatasthatsounds,I’mgoingtohavetopass.”
“Maybelaterthen?”
“Maybe.”Notlikely.Isteppedback,reachingforthedoor.“Well,it’sgoodseeingyouagain,

Cameron.”

“Cam,”hecorrected.“Andhey,wedidn’talmostruneachotherover.Lookatus,changingupthe

pattern.”

“That’sagoodthing.”Iwasbackinmyapartmentandhewasstillinfrontofmydoor.“Youshouldget

backbeforeRaphaelpeesonyourhand.”

“Wouldbeworthit,”hereplied.
Mybrowsknitted.“Why?”
Hedidn’tanswerthat,buthedidstartbackingup.“Ifyouchangeyourmind,I’llbeupforawhile.”
“I’mnotgoingto.Goodnight,Cam.”
Hiseyeswidenedonlyafractionofinch,buthisgrinslippedintoafullsmile,andmystomachsortof

flopped,becausehissmilewaswow.“Seeyoutomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”
“Astronomyclass?Orareyouskippingagain?”
Mycheeksheatedalloveragain.God,Ihadalmostforgottenaboutrunningawayinfrontofhimlikea

totalidiot.“No,”Isighed.“I’llbethere.”

“Great.”Hestartedbackingupagain.“Goodnight,Avery.”
Duckingbehindthedoor,Icloseditandthenlockedit.IsworeIheardhimchuckle,butIhadtobe

crazy.

IstoodthereafewmomentsandthenIwhippedaroundandracedbacktomybedroom.Divingunder

thecovers,Irolledontomystomachandshovedmyfaceintoapillow.

Sleep.Justgotosleep.
Camlivedacrossthehall?
Youneedtogetupearly.Gotosleep.
Howintheworldwasthatpossible?HewaseverywhereIwent.
Gotosleep.
AndwhydidhehaveapetturtleanddidheseriouslynameitaftertheTeenageMutantNinjaTurtles,

becausethatwaskindoffunny.

Morning’sgoingtocomesoon.
Didheonlywearashirtduringclass?OhmyGod,heseriouslylivedacrossthehall.Jacobwasgoing

toflip…andprobablymovein.Thatwouldbefun.IreallylikedJacob,butIhadafeelinghe’dborrow
myclothes.

Gothefucktosleep.
Ican’tbelievethehotdudeIranintoandthenranawayfromlivedacrossthehall.Idon’tevenknow

whyIcared.Itdidn’tmatter.Iwasn’tinterestedinguysorgirls,buthewasextraordinarilyhot…andkind
offunny…andkindofcharming.

No.No.No.Stopthinkingabouthim,becauseitwaspointlessandhopeless,sogotosleep.
DidIeatallthatsalad?Man,thosecookiessoundgoodrightaboutnow.
“Ugh!”Igroanedintothepillow.
ThiscrapwentonforaboutanhourbeforeIgaveupandthrewmyselfoutofbed.Outintheliving

room,Ididn’thearanymusicornoisecomingfromCam’sapartment.Hewasprobablysleepingsoundly
whileIwasupobsessingovercookiesandchickentendersandrippedstomachs.

Stompingintotheextrabedroomthathadbecomemoreofalibrary/office,Ipoweredonthelaptopand

broughtupmyemail.Therewasoneunreademailinmyinboxfrommycousin.Ideletedthatwithouteven
openingit.Onthelefttoolbar,IsawIhadacoupleofunreademailsinmyjunkfolder.Boredoutofmy
mind,Iclickedonthelinkandscannedtheprescriptiondrugoffers,the“Ihavemoneyinaforeign
account”emails,andthenoticethatBathandBodyworkswashavingasale.Myeyesnarrowedonthe
subjectlineoftheoneemailthatcameinataroundelevenlastnight.

ItreadAVERYMORGANSTENandwasfromanemailaddressIdidn’trecognize.
Well,thatwasstrange,becausemyemailwasn’tsetupundermyrealname,soitwouldbeunlikely

thatitwasaphishingscam.Onlymyparentsandcousinhadmyemailbecause,eventhoughtheyhadmy
telephonenumber,I’dratherhavethemcontactmethatwayinsteadofcalling,butnooneelsehadit.

Myfingerhoveredoverthemousepad.Uneaseroseasknotsformedinmystomach.Tuckingmylegs

againstmychest,Itoldmyselfnottoopenit.Tojustdeleteit,butIclickedbecauseIhadto.Itwaslike
lookingatabadcaraccidentalongsidetheroad.Youknewyoushouldn’t,butyoudid.

IimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.Theknotsinmystomachtightenedandalumpformedinthebackofmy

throat.Sicktomystomach,Ipushedawayfromthedeskandslammedthelaptopshut.Standinginthe
middleoftheroom,Isuckedinadeepbreathandcurledmyhandsintofists.

Itwasjustthreelines.
Thatwasall.
Threelineserasedthousandsofmiles.
Threelinesruinedmyentirenight.
ThreelinesfoundmeallthewayinalittlecollegetowninWestVirginia.
You’renothingbutaliar,AveryMorgansten.You’llgetyoursintheend.Anditwon’tbeintheform

ofmoney.

Chapter4

IdraggedmyselfintoastronomyclasstenminutesearlyandpickedwhatIbelievedtobean

inconspicuousseatinthemiddleoftheamphitheaterstyleclassroom.Afewotherstudentswerealready
there,sittingupfront.Yawning,Iscooteddowninmyseatandrubbedmyeyes.ThegallonofcoffeeI
drankthismorninghadn’tdoneathingformegiventhatIonlyhadanhourofsleep.

Threelittlesentences.
Squeezingmyeyesshut,Irestedmyheadonmyforearm.Ididn’twanttothinkabouttheemailorthe

factthatIhadreopenedmylaptopandwentintomytrashfoldertoseewhatmycousinhadsaid.His
emailhadjustbeenonegiantbitchfestonhowIwaslettingmyparentsdownandhowhiswereworried
sickandafraidIwasgoingtoputMomandDadthroughanotherepisode.Youneedtocomehome,hehad
written.Itistherightthingtodo.Itwastherightthingforthem,andwhilemycousinsidedwithmy
parentsandoh,aboutninety-ninepercentofthetown,Idoubtedhehadbeenbehindtheemail.

Theemailaddresswasunrecognizabletome,andwhiletherewerealotofpeoplethatitcould’ve

comefrom,Ireallydidn’tknowwhoitwas.Itcouldn’tbehimbecauseevenhewasn’tthatstupidtotryto
contactme.

Orwashe?
Ashudderrolleddownmyspine.WhatifithadbeenBlaine?WhatifhefoundoutwhereImovedto?

Myfamilywouldn’thavetoldhim.Thenagain,theycould’vetoldhisparentsbecausetheywere,afterall,
countryclubpals.Iwasgoingtomurderthemiftheydid.Seriously.CatchthenextflighttoTexasand
murderthem,becausethewholepointofcomingherewastogetawayfrom—

“Morning,sweetheart,”cameadeepvoice.
Ijerkedmyheadupandtwistedinmyseat.Surprisedintospeechlessness,IwatchedCamslideinto

theemptyseatnexttome.IwasalittleslowontheuptakebecauseIknewIshould’vesaidtheseatwas
takenortellhimtomove,butallIcoulddowasstare.

Hesettledback,lookingatmesideways.“Youlookalittleroughthismorning.”
Andhelookedremarkablyrefreshedforsomeonewhohadbeenpartyinglastnight.Hairdampandall

overtheplace,eyesbright.“Thanks.”

“You’rewelcome.Gladtoseeyoumakeittoclassthistime.”Hepaused,tiltinghisheadbackagainst

theseatandkickinghisfeetupontheseatinfrontofus,hiseyesonme.“Though,Ikindofmissedthe
wholerunningintoeachotherthing.Providedalotofexcitement.”

“Idon’tmissthat,”Iadmitted,bendingoverandrummagingthroughmybagformynotebook.“That

wasreallyembarrassing.”

“Itshouldn’thavebeen.”
“Easyforyoutosay.You’retheonewhogotplowed.Iwasdoingtheplowing.”
Cam’smouthopened.OhmyGod,didIreallyjustsaythat?Ihad.Flushingtotherootsofmyhair,I

flippedopenmynotebook.

“Raphaelisdoinggreat,bytheway.”
Arelievedgrinsnuckout.“That’sgoodtohear.Didhepeeonyourhand?”
“No,butitwasaclosecall.Broughtyousomething.”
“Turtlepee?”
Camlaughedandshookhisheadashereachedintohisbackpack.“Sorrytoletyoudown,butno.”He

pulledoutpapersstapledtogether.“It’sasyllabus.Iknow.Thrillingshitrighthere,butfiguredsinceyou
didn’tcometoclassonMonday,you’dneedone,soIgotitfromtheProfessor.”

“Thankyou.”Itookthepaperfromhim,somewhatshockedbytheact.“Thatwasreallythoughtful.”

“Well,prepareyourself.Iamallkindsofthoughtfulthisweek.Ibroughtyousomethingelse.”
Ibitdownontheedgeofmypenasherootedaroundandtookthemomenttoopenlygawkathim

withouthimknowing.ItreallyhadbeenalongtimesinceIheldaconversationwiththeoppositesexthat
wasn’trelatedtome,butfromallthepeoplewatchingI’ddoneovertheyears,IthoughtIwashandling
thiswell.Besidestheplowingcomment,Iwassortofproudofmyself.

Campulledoutanapkinandunfoldeditwithlongfingers.“Cookieforyou.Cookieforme.”
Removingthepenfrommymouth,Ishookmyhead.“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“It’sjustacookie,sweetheart.”
Ishookmyheadagain,becauseitjustdidn’tmakesensetome.Camdidn’tmakesensetome.Hell,

mostpeopledidn’tmakesensetome.

Helookedupthroughthoseimpossiblylonglashesandsighed.Tearingthenapkininhalf,hefoldedup

oneofthecookiesandthendroppeditinmylap.“Iknowtheysayyoushouldn’ttakecandyfrom
strangers,butit’sacookieandnotcandyandtechnically,I’mnotastranger.”

Iswallowed.
Camtookabiteofhiscookieandclosedhiseyes.Adeepsoundemanatedfromhisthroat—agrowlof

pleasure.MyheartjumpedandmycheeksheatedevenmoreasIstaredathim.Hemadethesoundagain,
andmymouthdroppedopen.Arowdown,agirlturnedinherseat,hereyescloudedover.

“Isitreallythatgood?”Iasked,glancingdownatthecookieinmylap.
“Oh,yeah,thisistheshit.Itoldyouthatlastnight.BebetterifIhadsomemilk.”Hetookanotherbite.

“Mmm,milk.”

Idaredanotherpeekathimandhelookedlikehewasonthevergeofhavinganorgasmorsomething.
Oneeyeopened.“It’sthecombinationofwalnutandchocolate.Youmixthattogetherandit’slikean

explosionofsexinyourmouth,butnotasmessy.TheonlythingbetterwouldbethoseteenytinyReese’s
Cups.Whenthedoughiswarm,youplopthosesuckersin….Anyway,youjustneedtotryit.Takeasmall
bite.”

Oh,whatthehell?Itwasjustacookie,notacrackpipe.Iwasbeingstupid.Iunfoldedthenapkinand

tookabite.Thecookiepracticallymeltedinmymouth.

“Good?”Camsaid.“Right?”
Itookanotherbiteandnodded.
“Well,Ihaveawholetonofthemathome.”Hestretchedasherolleduphisnapkin.“Justsaying.”
Finishingoffthecookie,Ihadtoadmitthatitwasaprettydamngoodcookie.Wipingoffmyfingers,I

startedtorollupthenapkin,butCamreachedoverandtookitfromme.Hetwistedabitinhisseat,
causinghiskneetobrushmyleg.

“Crumb,”hesaid.
“What?”
Aslightgrinappearedonhisfaceandthenhereachedout,withoutthenapkin,andbeforeIknewwhat

hewasdoing,hesmoothedhisthumbovermybottomlip.Everysinglemuscleinmybodylockedupand
becamepainfullytense.Myeyeswidenedandtheaircaughtinmythroat.Thetouchwasslight,barely
anything,butIfeltitinseveralpartsofmybody.

“Gotit.”Hisgrinspread.
Mylipstilltingled.ThatwasallIcouldthinkabout.Ididn’tmove,notuntilthedooratthefrontofthe

classroomopenedandthestrangestmanI’deverseenrolledin.Dressedheadtotoeinolivegreen
polyester,themanhadthick,curlyhairthatwentineverywhichdirection,pepperedblackandgray.His
glasseswerehuge,restingonthetipofhisnose.Ashecrossedthemainstage,Inoticedhewaswearinga
pairofcheckeredVans…thatmatchedhisbowtie.

Camchuckledsoftly.“ProfessorDrageisavery…uniqueman.”
“Icansee,”Imurmured.
ProfessorDragehadanaccentIcouldn’tquiteplace,butbasedonhisoliveskintone,Iwasgoingwith

MediterraneanorMiddleEastern.Helaunchedrightintothetopic—norollcallorwarning.Iscrambled
tocatchuptohisintroductiontothefieldofastronomyandunitsandmeasurementwhileCamscooted
evenfurtherdowninhisseatandopenedhisnotebook.Hispenwasmakingquick,shortstrokesoverthe
paper,buthewasn’ttakingnotes.

Hewasdrawing.
Cockingmyheadtotheside,Itriedtofocusonwhatthehellanastronomicalunitmeant,whichwas

somecrazynumberIcouldn’tevenbegintoremember.TurnedouttobetheaveragedistancetheEarth
orbitsthesun.Thatwasimportantbecauseastronomicalunitswereusedtodeterminemostdistancesin
oursolarsystem,butIfoundmyselfglancingatCam’snotebook.

Whatthehellwashedrawing?
“Now,mostofyoukiddosdon’tcareaboutastronomicalunitsorhaveneverreallyheardofthem,”

ProfessorDragewenton,passingthelengthofthestage.“Whatyouarefamiliarwithistheterm‘light
year.’Although,Idoubtanyofyoureally,trulyunderstandwhatalightyearis.”

IwasprettysureCamwasdrawingBigFoot.
ThelecturewentonuntilProfessorDragesuddenlychangedgearsattheend,catchingmeand

everyoneelsebesidesCamoffguard,andstartedpassingoutstarmaps.“Iknowtodayisonly
Wednesday,buthereisyourfirstassignmentfortheweekend.Skiesaresupposedtobeclearasababy’s
bottomonSaturday.”

“Clearasababy’sbottom?”Imuttered.
Camchuckled.
“IwantyoutofindtheCoronaBorealisinthesky—theactualreal,honesttogoodness,nightsky,”

ProfessorDrageexplained,smilingasifhesaidsomethingfunny,butweallstaredathim.“Youwon’t
needatelescope.Useyoureyesorglassesorcontactsorwhatever.YoucanviewiteitherFridayor
Saturdaynight,buttheweatherislookingsketchyonFriday,sochoosewisely.”

“Wait,”someonefromupfrontsaid.“Howdoyouusethismap?”
Camhandedmeamapthathadbeenpasseddownourrow,alongwithseveralgridsheets.
ProfessorDragestoppedinfrontoftheclass.“Youlookatit.”
Ibitbackalaugh.
Thestudenthuffed.“Igetthat,butdoweholduptotheskyorsomething?”
“Sure.Youcoulddothat.Oryoucouldjustlookateachoftheconstellations,seewhattheylooklike

andthenuseyourowneyesandbrainstofinditinthesky.”TheProfessorpaused.“OruseGoogle.Iwant
allofyoutostarttogetfamiliarwithstargazing.You’regoingtobedoingalotofthatthissemesterand
you’llappreciatedoingitnowwhenit’swarm.Sogetwithyourpartnerandpickoutatime.Thegridwill
beturnedbackintomeonMonday.That’sallfortheday.Goodluckandmaytheforceoftheuniversebe
withyoutoday.”

Severalstudentslaughed,butmystomachdroppedoutofmybutt.
“Partner?”Isaid,voicelowasIfranticallylookedaroundtheclassroom.Almosteveryonewasturned

intheirseat,talkingtoanotherperson.“Whendidwepickpartners?”

“OnMonday,”Camreplied,closinghisnotebookandshovingitintohisbackpack.“Youweren’t

here.”

MyheartthumpedinmychestasIscootedtotheedgeoftheseat.Shit.ProfessorDragehadalready

bouncedfromtheroom.Halfthestudentswerealreadyoutthedoor.

“Avery?”
HowinthehellwasIsupposedtogetapartnernow?Ireallyshouldn’thaverunlikealittlebabyon

Monday.Thiswasallmyfault.

“Avery.”
WherewastheProfessor’soffice?IwasgoingtohavetofindthedudeandexplainIdidn’thavea

partner.Ibethisofficesmelledweird,too,likemothballs.

“Avery.”
“What?”Isnapped,turningtoCam.Whywashestillsittingherestaringatme?
Hisbrowsrose.“We’repartners.”
“Huh?”
“We.Are.Partners,”herepeated,andthensighed.“Apparently,Dragehadtheclasspicktheirpartners

rightatthebeginningofclassonMonday.Iwalkedinafterwardandattheendhetoldmetopartnerwith
anyonewhojoinedtheclassonWednesdayorI’dbepartnerless.AndsinceIdon’tliketheideaofbeing
partnerless,youandIarepartners.”

Istaredathim.“Wehaveachoicetodothisonourown?”
“Yeah,butwhowantstogooutstaringattheskyatnightbythemselves?”Hestoodandslunghis

backpackoverhisshoulderashestarteddowntherow.“Anyway,Iknowaperfectplacewecandoour
assignment.HastobeSaturday,becauseIhaveplansFriday.”

“Wait.”Istood,rushingafterhim.“Ido.”
“YouhaveplansonSaturday?”Hefrowned.“Well,Imight—”
“No.Idon’thaveplansonSaturday,butwedon’thavetobepartners,”Iexplained.“Icandothisby

myself.”

HestoppedsosuddenlyinfrontofthedoorsthatInearlyhadarepeatofMonday.“Whywouldyou

wanttodoalltheassignments—andifyoulookathisclassoutline,there’salot—allbyyourself?”

“Well,Idon’treallywantto.”Ishiftedmyweightfromonefoottothenext.“Butyoudon’thavetobe

mypartner.Imean,youdon’towemeoranything.”

“Idon’tgetwhatyou’resaying.”Camtiltedhisheadtotheside.
“WhatI’msayingisthat…”Itrailedoff.WhatthehellwasIsaying?TheproblemwasIjustdidn’tget

him—anyofhim.Hedidn’tknowme.Ididn’tknowhimandyethewasso…sofriendly.Thenextwords
justcameoutofmymouth.“Whyareyoubeingsonicetome?”

Abrowrose.“Isthataseriousquestion?”
“Yes.”
Hestaredatmeamoment.“Alright,IguessI’mjustaniceguy.Andyou’reobviouslynew—a

freshman.YouseemedtobealittleoutofitonMondayandthenyouranoff,wouldn’tevencomeinto
classandI—”

“Idon’twantyourpity.”Iwashorrified.HewasbeingnicetomebecausehethoughtIwasafreshman

freak.OhGod,thatwas…

Camfrowned,andImeanreallyfrowned.“Youdon’thavemypity,Avery.I’mjustsayingyouseemed

outofitonMondayandIfiguredwe’djustbepartners.”Hestoppedandhiseyesnarrowed.“Icansee
thatyoudon’tbelieveme.Maybeitwasthecookie?Well,yourefusedtotastemycookieslastnightand
honestly,Iwasgoingtoeattheothercookie,butyoulookedsotiredandsadsittingthere,Ifiguredyou
neededthecookiemorethanIdid.”

Icouldn’ttellifhewasjokingornot,buttherewasadistinctgleamofamusementinhiseyes.
“Andyou’repretty,”headded.
Iblinked“What?”

Thatfrownhadfadedasheopenedthedoor,usheringmeoutoftheclassandintothehall.“Donottell

meyoudon’tknowyou’repretty.Ifso,I’mabouttoloseallfaithinmankind.Youdon’twanttobe
responsibleforthat.”

“IknowI’mpretty—Imean,that’snotwhatImeant.”God,Isoundedvain.Ishookmyhead.“Idon’t

thinkI’mugly.That’swhat—”

“Good.Nowwe’veclearedthatup.”Tuggingonmybag,hesteeredmetowardthestairwell.“Watch

thedoor.Itcanbetricky.”

Iignoredthat.“Whatdoesthewholeprettycommenthavetodowithanything?”
“YouaskedwhyI’msonicetoyou.It’smutuallybeneficial.”
ItsunkinandIstoppedonthestairabovehim.“You’renicetomebecauseyouthinkI’mpretty?”
“Andbecauseyouhavebrowneyes.I’masuckerforbigoldbrowneyes.”Helaughed.“I’ma

shallow,shallowboy.Hey,ithelpsthatyou’repretty.Itbringsouttheniceguyinme.Makesmewhatto
sharemycookieswithyou.”

Istaredathim.“SoifIwasugly,youwouldn’tbenicetome?”Campivotedaround,facingme.Evena

wholestepbelow,hewastallerthanme.“I’dstillbenicetoyouifyouwereugly.”

“Okay.”
Awickedgrinslippedoverhisfulllips.Hebenthisheaddownandwhispered,“Ijustwouldn’toffer

youanycookies.”

Ifoldedmyarmsandtriedtoignorethecloseproximityofourfaces.“I’mbeginningtothinkcookies

isacodewordforsomethingelse.”

“Maybeitis.”Hetuggedonmybagagainashetookaconfidentstepback,forcingmedownanother

step.“Andjustthinkaboutit.Ifcookiewasacodeword,whateveritsymbolizes,it’sbeeninyourmouth,
sweetheart.”

Partofmewasslightlydisturbedbythatandtheotherpart?Alaughbubbledupmythroatandcame

out,soundingabithoarse.“Youarereally…”

“Amazing?Awesome?”Hepaused,browsraised.“Astonishing?”
“Iwasgoingtogowithbizarre.”
“Well,hell,ifIhadfeelingsthatmightactuallyhurt.”
Igrinned,fallingintotheeasybanterwithhim.“Iguessit’sagoodthingthatyoudon’thavefeelings

then,huh?”

“Guessso.”Hewentdownacouplemorestepsandstoppedonthelanding.“Youbetterhurryor

you’regoingtobelatetoyournextclass.”

Holyshit!Hewasright.
CamlaughedatmywideeyesandsteppedoutofmywayasIchargeddownthesteps.“Damn,ifonly

youmovedthatfastformycookies,I’dbeahappyguy.”

“Shutup!”ItossedovermyshoulderasIhitthenextsetofsteps.
“Hey!”heyelledafterme.“Don’tyouwanttoknowwhatcookiesisacodewordfor?”
“No!GoodGod,no!”
Hislaughterfollowedmeintothehallandallthewaytomynextclass.

Chapter5

“Yourapartmentisreallynice,”Brittanysaidfrommycouch.Ahistorytextlayopen,butunreadinher

lap.“Iwouldlovenottohavetoliveinadorm.Myroommatesnoreslikeabansheeishersleep.”

IhoveredbetweenthecoffeetableandtheTV,reallyunsureonhowBrittanyandJacobhadendedup

inmyapartmentafterclass.Atlunch,we’dtalkedaboutgettingtogetherandexchangingnotesfromhistory
andsomehowmyplacewasofferedup.IreallythinkitwasJacob’sidea,andsincebothofthemwere
hereweweregettingabsolutelynostudyingdone.

Anxiousenergybuzzedthroughmelikeahummingbird.IthadbeensolongsinceIhadpeopleinmy

space.Backhome,noonebutfamilycamearoundandonlythemaidenteredmybedroom.NotonlyhadI
beenavirtualpariahinmytownandatschool,ithadbeenthesamewayinsidemyhouse.Butbeforethat
Halloweenparty,everyonehungoutatmyhouse,especiallythegirlsfromthestudio.Everyonehadstill
talkedtomethenandI’dstilldanced.Beforethatparty,thingshadbeennormal.

Ifiddledwithmybracelet,nervous.Ilikedthemherebecauseitwasnormalandremindedmeofthe

before.Itwaswhatpeopleincollegedid,butitwasso…differenttome.

Jacobresurfacedfrommykitchen,abagofchipsinhand.“Forgetabouttheapartment.Don’tgetme

wrong.Itisaniceapartment,butIwanttohearmoreaboutCam’scookies.”

Itookachipfromthebag.“Ishould’venevertoldyouaboutthatconversation.”
“Whatever,”hereplied,mouthfull.
Brittanygiggled.“Iamsodyingtoknowwhatcookiesareslangfor.”
“Probablyhiscock,”Jacobploppeddownonthearmofthecouch.
“OhmyGod,”Isaid,takingahandfulofchips.Ineededthecaloriefortitudeforwherethis

conversationwasheading.

Brittanynodded.“Makessensethen.Imean,withthewholenotsharingcookieswithuglygirls.”
“Idon’tthinkhereallymeantthat,”Isaid,poppingachipinmymouth.“So,backtoourhistory

notes…”

“Fuckhistory.BacktoCam’scock.”Jacobsaid.“Doyouknow,ifcookiesisacodewordforcock,

thenthatmeanshiscockwasinyourmouth.”

Ichokedonthechipandgrabbedmycanofsoda,inhalingtheliquidasmyfaceburned.
“Theoreticallyspeakingthatis,”Jacobadded,grinninglikeatotalshithead.Hehoppedup.“Idon’t

knowhowyoudoit,Avery.IfIlivedacrossthehallfromhim,I’dbeplasteredtohisfrontdoornoonto
midnight.AndI’dbealloverhiscookies.Yum.”

Wavingahandinfrontofmyface,Ishookmyhead.“Youcanhavehiscookies.”
“Oh,honey,ifheswungbatter-batterformyteam,I’dbealloverthatinaheartbeat.”
Brittany’seyesrolled.“Bigsurprisethere.”
“WhatIdon’tunderstandishowcomeyouaren’talloverhiscookies.”
Iopenedmymouth,butBrittanyshookherheadandsaid,“Idon’tthinkcookiesmeancock.Ithinkit

mightmeanhisballsbeingthatitspluralandall.”

Jacobburstintoloudlaughter.“Thenthatmeanshisballswereinyourmouththeoreticallyspeaking!

Damn,that’ssomedirtybaking.”

Igapedatthetwo.Wasthistypicalconversation?“OhmyGod,canwepleasestoptalkingabouthis

cockandballsorI’llneverbeabletoeatcookiesagain.Likeever.”

“No.Seriously.Howcomeyouaren’talluponthat.”Jacobclimbedontothebackofthecouchlikean

overgrowncat.“He’sobviouslyflirtingwithyou.”

“So,”Ireplied,believingitmightbesafetoeatanotherchipwithoutdying.

Jacob’sjawdropped.“So?”
Brittanyclosedthehistorybookanddroppeditonthefloorwithaloudthump.Guesstherewent

studyingcompletely.“Jacobislikeasex-starvedwomaninhermid-thirties,sohecan’tpossibly
understandwhyyouwouldn’twanttotakearideonthetownbike.”

IglancedatJacob,andhejustshruggedandsaid,“Verytrue.”
“EvenIhaveahardtimeunderstandingthat.Cameronisreallygoodlooking,”Brittanycontinued.

“AndIhaveneverheardanygirltalkingcrapabouthim,sohemusttreatthemgood.”

Havingnoideawhattosay,IdroppedintotheblackmoonchairneartheTV.Explainingtothemthe

whybehinditallwasabigfatnogo.“Idon’tknow.I’mjustnotinterested.”

“Doyouhaveovaries?”Jacobasked.
Ishothimalook.“Yes.”
HesliddownthebackofthecouchandsatbesideBrittany.“Thenhowareyounotinterested?”
Shovingtherestofthechipsinmymouth,Istruggledtorespondwithoutcomingacrosslikeafrigid

prude.ButIwasatotalfrigidprude,wasn’tI?Orafflicted,dependingonwhoyouasked.Eitherway,
whiletheideaofcocksandballsinterestedme,thethoughtofactuallygettingup,closeandpersonalwith
themmademebreakoutinacoldsweat.

AndIwassweatingnow.Thechipswerealreadysouringinmystomach.I’dbebreakingouttheTums

later.Mymindimmediatelywentstraighttotheemailfromlastnight.

Liar.
Wipingmyhandsovermyjeans,Ishookmyhead.“I’mjustnotinterestedinarelationship.”
Jacoblaughed.“We’renotsayingthatCamiseither,youknow?Youdon’thavetowanttobeina

relationshipforalittlebow-chicka-bow-wow.”

Brittanylookedathimslowly.“Didyoureallyjustsaythat?”
“Idid.AndIownedit.Gonnamakemeashirtthatsaysthat.”Jacobflashedagrin.“Anyway,allI’m

sayingishe’sanopportunityyoumightnotwanttopassup.”

Ididn’tevengivethatathought.“Whyareweeventalkingaboutthis?Wehaveoneclasstogetherand

helivesacrossthehall—”

“Andyou’repartnersfortherestofthesemester,”Brittanyadded.“Kindofromantic,goingoutatnight

andgazingupatstars.”

Mystomachtightened.“It’snotromantic.Nothingisromantic.”
Herbrowsroseassheranherhandthroughtheshortlocksofblondehair.“Well,hello,Debbie

Downer.”

Irolledmyeyes.“AllI’msayingisthatIdon’tknowhim.Hedoesn’tknowme.Andhe’sjustaflirt.

You’veevensaidhe’sthetownbike.Thisisjustprobablyhowheis.He’saniceandfriendlyguy.That’s
all.Socanwejustforgetaboutit?”

“Yeah,youbitchesbeboringmetotears,”Jacobsaid,andBrittanystuckhertongueoutathim.Light

glintedoffthebolt,andIwinced,thinkingthathadtohavehurt.“AndIneedsomesalsatogowiththese
chips.”

“Inthebottomcupboard,”Ishouted,buthewasalreadyhalfwayinthekitchen,doorsopeningand

slamming.

Muchtomyrelief,thetopicveeredawayfrommeandthenonexistentwhateverwithCam.Hours

passedandIbecamemorecomfortablewiththemhereandweevencrackedopenourhistorybooksfora
fewshortseconds.Whenitgotclosetonine,theypackeduptheirstuffandheadedtowardthedoor.

Brittanystoppedandsprangforward.BeforeIcouldpreparemyself,shegavemeaquickhugandpeck

onthecheek.Istoodthere,sortofshellshocked.Shesmiled.“There’sabigpartyatoneofthefrats

Fridaynight.Youshouldcomewith.”

IrememberedCamsayinghewasbusyFridayandsinceheobviouslylikedtoparty,thatwasprobably

why.Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow.”

“Don’tbeantisocial,”Jacobsaid,openingthedoor.“We’recoolpeopletohangwith.”
Ilaughed.“Iknow.I’llthinkaboutit.”
“Okay.”Brittanywiggledherfingers.“Seeyoutomorrow.”
Outinthehall,JacobstartedpointingatCam’sdoorashethrusthishipsandwiggledhisass.Ibit

downonmyliptostoplaughing.ItwentonuntilBrittanycaughtthecollarofhispoloandyankedhim
downthestairs.

Smiling,Ishutthedoorandlockedit.Itdidn’ttakemuchtimeformetocleanupandgetreadyforbed.

ThewholebedthingwaspointlessbecauseIwasn’tsleepyandsinceIwasavoidingthelaptopand
thereforemyemail,IendedupwatchingrerunsofGhostHuntersuntilIwasconvincedtherewasa
poltergeistinmybathroom.TurningofftheTV,IstoodandendedupdoingsomethingIhated.

PacingmyapartmentlikeIusedtodoinmybedroombackhome.WiththeTVoffandmyapartment

quiet,Icouldhearlittleminutenoisesfromtheotherapartments.Ifocusedonthosenoisesinsteadof
lettingmyminddothewanderthingbecausetonighthadbeengoodandIdidn’twanttoruinit.Thelast
coupleofdayshadbeengreatwiththeexceptionofthewholeplowingintoCamthing.Thingsweregood.

Istoppedbehindmycouch,onlyrealizingthenwhatIwasdoing.
Lookingdown,Isawthesleeveofmyshirtpushedupandmyfingerswerewrappedaroundmyleft

wrist.Slowly,meticulously,Iliftedupmyfingers,onebyone.Therewerefaintpinkindentsfromthe
braceletpressingintomyskin.Forthelastfiveyears,IonlytookthebraceletoffatnightandwhenI
showered.Thoseindentswouldprobablybepermanent.

Justlikethejaggedscarthebracelethid.
Iremovedmyhandcompletely.Thetwoinchstretchofadeeperpinkslasheddowntheverycenterof

mywrist,overthevein.IthadbeenadeepcutmadewithbrokenglassfromthepictureframeI’dthrown
afterthefirstpicturehadcirculatedthehighschool.

WhenI’dmadethatcut,ithadbeenthelowestpointofmylifeandIhadn’tbeenjokingaround.There

would’vebeenamatchingviolentcutonmyrightwristifithadn’tbeenforthemaidhearingtheglass
break.

Thepicturehadbeenofmeandmybestfriend;theverysamebestfriendwhohadbeenoneofthefirst

toturntheirbackandwhisperwordslike‘whore’and‘liar.’

Ihadwantedtoenditthen.Justcheckout,becauseatthatpointinmylife,nothingcould’vebeen

worsethanwhathadhappenedtome,whatmyparentshadagreedto,andthesubsequentfallout.Ina
matterofmonths,mylifehadutterlyseparatedintotworaggedchunks:beforeandafter.AndIhadn’tbeen
abletoseeapossibleafterwhentheentireschoolgotbehindBlaine.

Now?Theafterseemedendless,butshameburnedlikealowfireinmybellyasIstaredatthescar.

Suicidewasnevertheanswerandifanything,checkingoutwaslettingallofthemwin.I’dlearnedthe
lessonallbymyselfsincetherapyhadneverbeenanoption.Myparentswould’verathercutofftheirlegs
thansufferthroughtheembarrassmentofhavingadaughterthathadtriedtocommitsuicideandneeded
therapy.Moremoneyhadexchangedhandstokeepmyafternoonhospitalrunquiet.

Apparentlymyparentswereokaywithhavingadaughterlabeledalyingwhore.
ButIhatedseeingthephysicalembodimentofmyweakness,wouldbebeyondhumiliatedifanyone

eversawit.

Suddendeeplaughterfromthehallwaydrewmyattention—Cam’slaughter.Myheadswiveledtoward

thekitchen.Onthestove,theclockreadnearoneinthemorning.

Ituggedmysleevedown.
“Can’tyouskipitFridaynight?”afemininevoiceasked,slightlymuffledthroughthewall.
TherewasapauseandthenIheardCamsay,“YouknowIcan’t,sweetheart.Maybenexttime.”
Sweetheart?Oh!Iheardtheirfootstepsroundtherailingoutsidetheapartment,hittingthestairwell.
Rushingaroundthecouch,Imademywayovertothewindow.Sincemyapartmentwasattheendand

overlookingtheparkinglot,allIhadtodowaswait.Andthentheretheywere,ashirtlessCamanda
girl.

Areallytall,leggybrunettewearingacutedenimskirt.ThatwasallIcouldmakeoutfromthewindow

astheycrossedtheparkinglot.ThegirlstumbledbutcaughtherselfbeforeCamhadtointervene.They
stoppedbehindadarkcoloredsedan.Ifeltlikeatotalpeeperwatchingthem,butIwasriveted.

Camsaidsomethingandlaughedwhenthegirlplayfullyshovedhisshoulder.Asecondlater,they

huggedandthenhesteppedback,givingheralittlewavebeforeturningbacktotheapartmentbuilding.
Halfwayback,heglanceduptowardourfloor,andIjumpedbacklikeatotalidiot.Hecouldn’tseeme.
Therewasnowaywithoutanylightsoninmyapartment.

IlaughedatmyselfandthenquietedwhenIheardadoorshutdownthehall.
Reliefpouredintome,easingthemusclesthathadbeentighteningonandoff.Seeinghimwithanother

girlwas…good.TotallyreaffirmedthefactthatCamwasaverycharming,harmlessflirtwholiketo
handoutcookiestoprettygirlsandhadapettortoisenamedRaphael.Thatwasgood.Thatwasdoable.I
couldhandlethatbecausewhatBrittanyandJacobweresuggestingmademeitchyandantsy.

MaybeCamandIwouldbecomefriends.Iwasokaywiththatbecauseitwasnicetohavemore

friendslikebefore.

ButasIclimbedintobedandlaidawake,staringattheceiling,foramoment,areallybriefmoment,I

wonderedwhatitwouldbelikeifCamhadbeeninterestedinmelikethat.Tohavesomethinglikethatto
lookforwardto.Tobegiddyandexcitedwheneverhelookedatmeorwhenourhandsaccidentally
touched.Iwonderedwhatitwouldbeliketobeinterestedinhimlikethatoranyguyforthatmatter.To
lookforwardtodates,tofirstkissesandallthethingsthatcameafterthat.Ibetitwouldbenice.Itwould
belikebefore.

BeforeBlaineFitzgeraldhadtakenallofthataway.

#

StormcloudswererollinginThursdaymorninganditlookedlikeitwouldbearainy,cruddydayon

campus.LuckilyIonlyhadtwoclassestosloththrough,sobeforeIheadedout,Igrabbedahoodieand
slippeditovermyshirt.Ithoughtaboutchangingoutofmyshortsandflipflops,butdecidedIwasfeeling
waytoolazytogotothatmuchtrouble.

TextingJacobtoseeifhewantedmetopickupanycoffeebeforeIhitartclass,Islippedoutofmy

apartmentandmadeittothestairwellbeforeCam’sapartmentdoorflewopenandaguycameout,pulling
ashirtdownoverhishead.Hisshaggy,shoulderlengthblondheadpokedthrough,andIrecognizedhim
astheguywithCam’stortoise—theroommate.

Themomentoureyesmet,abigsmilebrokeoutacrosshistanface,exposingarowofultrawhite

teeth.“Hey!I’veseenyoubefore.”

Mygazeflickedbehindhim.He’dleftthedoorwideopen.“Hey,youare…tortoiseguy.”
Confusionflickeredacrosshisfaceashissandalssmackedoffthecement.“Tortoiseguy?Oh,yeah.”

Helaughed,theskincrinklingaroundhisbrowneyes.“YousawmewithRaphael,right?”

Inodded.“AndIthinkyoucalledyourselfSeñorFucktard.”
Lettingoutanotherloudlaugh,hejoinedmeonthestairs.“That’smydrinkingname.Mostdayspeople

knowmeasOllie.”

“ThatsoundsmuchbetterthanSeñorFucktard.”Ismiledasweroundedthefourthfloorlanding.“I’m

—”

“Avery?”Whenmyeyeswidened,hegaveatoothygrin.“Camtoldmeyourname.”
“Oh.So…um,you’reheadingto—”
“Yodouchebag,youleftthedooropen!”Cam’svoiceboomeddownthestairwellandasecondlater,

heappearedatthetopofthestairs,theblackbaseballcapon.Alopsidedgrinappearedashespottedus
andboundeddownthesteps.“Hey,whatareyoudoingwithmygirl?”

Mygirl?What?Ialmosttrippedovermyfeet.
“IwasexplainingtoherhowIgobytwonames.”
“Ohyeah?”Camdroppedanarmovermyshoulders,andmyflipflopsnaggedinthebackofmyother

one.Hisarmtightened,pullingmetohisside.“Whoa,sweetheart,almostlostyouthere.”

“Lookatyou.”Olliehoppeddownthesteps.“Gotthegirltrippingalloverherfeet.”
Camchuckledashereachedupwithhisfreehandandslidthecaparoundbackward.“Ican’thelpit.

It’smymagneticcharm.”

“Oritcouldbeyoursmell,”Ollieretorted.“I’mnotsureIheardashowerthismorning.”
Hegaspedinmockedoutrage.“DoIsmellbad,Avery?”
“Yousmellgreat,”Imurmured,feelingmyfaceheat.Itwasthetruth,though.Hesmelledwonderful—a

mixtureoffreshlinen,faintcologne,andsomethingelsethatwasprobablyallhim.“Imean,youdon’t
smellbad.”

Camwatchedmeforalmostamomenttoolong.“Headingtoclass?”
Wewerewalkingdownthesteps,buthisarmwasstillaroundmyshouldersandtheentiresideofmy

bodyseemedtotinglelikeithadfallenasleep.Hewasso…casualaboutit.Likeitwasnothingtohim
anditprobablywasn’t.Irememberedhowheandthegirlhadhuggedlastnight,buttome,itwas….

Therewerenowords.
“Avery?”Cam’svoicelowered.
Iwiggledfree,andsawthewayOllie’sgrinspread.Iheadeddownthestairs,needingdistance.“Yeah,

I’mheadingtoart.Whataboutyouguys?”

Cameasilycaughtupwithmeonthethirdfloor.“We’regoingouttobreakfast.Youshouldskipand

joinus.”

“IthinkI’vedoneenoughskippingthisweek.”
“I’mskipping,”Ollieannounced,“butCamdoesn’thaveaclassuntilthisafternoon,sohe’sagood

boy.”

“Andyou’reabadboy?”Iasked.
Ollie’sgrinwascontagious.“Oh,I’mabad,badboy.”
Camshothisfriendalook.“Yeah,asinbadatspelling,math,english,cleaningupafteryourself,

talkingtopeople,andIcouldgoon.”

“ButI’mgoodatthethingsthatcount.”
“Andwhatarethosethings?”Camaskedasweexitedthebuilding.Outsidetheaircarriedthefaint

scentofdampnessandthecloudslookedplumpwithwater.

Olliejoggedoutinfrontofusandturnedsothathewasfacingusashewalkedbackward,completely

ignoringtheredtrucktryingtobackup.Heheldupatannedhandandstartedtickingoffhisfingers.
“Drinking,socializing,snowboarding,andsoccer—rememberthatsport,Cam?Soccer?”

TheeasygrinslippedoffCam’sface.“Yeah,Irememberit,asshole.”
Olliejustlaughedandturned,headingtowardwherethesilvertruckwasparked.IglancedupatCam,

curious.Hestaredstraightahead,jawsetandeyeslikechipsofice.Withoutlookingdownatme,he

shovedhishandsintohisjeansandsaid,“Seeyouaround,Avery.”

Withthat,hejoinedOllieoverathistruck,andI’dswearthetemperaturedroppedtomatchthesudden

coolnessinCam’sattitude.Didn’ttakeageniusoranoverlyintuitivepersontofigureoutthatOlliehad
touchedonasorespotandCamhadn’tbeeninthemoodtoelaborate.

Shivering,Ihurriedtomycarandjumpedin.Notasecondtoosoonasabig,fatraindropsplatted

againstthewindshield.AsIbackedout,Iglancedover,myeyesfindingthem.Bothguyswerestandingby
thebedofthetruck,OlliesmilingandCamwiththesamedistant,rigidsettohisexpressionashespoke.
Whateverhewastellinghisfriend,hewasn’thappyaboutit.

Chapter6

IhadnoideahowIletCamtalkmeintohimdrivingandnottakingtwocarsduringclass,butSaturday

night—thenightofourassignment—justbeforedusk,Ifoundmyselfclimbingintothemassivesilver
truck.MystomachhadbeeninknotssinceFridaynight,whenJacobstartedhoundingmeabouttheparty
heandBrittanyweregoingto.Ithadbeengood-naturedandIwantedtogo,butcouldn’tbringmyselfto
reallydoit.Besides,Ihadnoideawherethehousewas,ithadbeenlatewhenhe’dstartedtexting,andit
hadbeenstormingagain.

AndnowIwasasnervousasamouseinaroomfullofhungrycats.Aslameasthiswas,I’dnever

beeninacarwithaguybefore.Man,evenadmittingthattomyselfsoundedincrediblypathetic.Liketake
thatlittlesecrettomygravelevelofpathetic.

Camshovedthekeysintotheignitionasheglancedoveratme.Thebaseballcapwasonagain,

twistedbackward.Behindthethicklashes,hiseyesglimmeredabrightazure.“Readysteady?”

Tuggingmylight-weightcardiganaroundme,Inodded.WhenIsawhiminastronomyyesterday

morning,hewasbackinthenormalmood—joking,flirting,andofferingcookies.Ihopedthatmeant
whateverhadgonedownbetweenhimandOlliehadbeenworkedout.“Areyousurewecan’tjustdothis
aroundhere?”

“Thisplacewillbeperfect.Iwillneverleadyouwrong,sweetheart.”
“Okay,”Imurmured,claspingmyhandstogethertightly.Iturnedtothesidewindow,watchingaswe

blewpastthecampusandcrossedthebridgeintoMaryland.

Fifteenminuteslater,Camturnedontotheroadleadingtothevisitor’scenterinAntietamNational

Battlefield.Thehistorynerdinmestarteddoingcartwheels,butIwaswaytoonervousaboutbeingout
hereatnightwithCam.Notthatheseemedlikethetypetotryanything,butifIknewanything,therewas
no‘type’whenitcametothatsortofthing.Mynervesfeltstretchedthinandfrayedattheedges.

“Areyousurewe’reallowedtobeouthereatnight?”Iasked,glancingaround.
“Nope.”Hepulledintoaparkingspot.Therewereonlyahandfulofcars.
Istaredathim.“What?”
Helaughedashekilledtheengine.“I’mkidding.AllwehavetodoistelloneoftheRangersthat

we’refromtheUniversity.They’llbecoolaboutit.”

Ihopedso.Theideaofbeingchasedoffthebattlefieldbyaparkrangerwasn’tonmylistofthingsto

accomplishbeforeIdied.

However,aftertakingonequicklookatCam,itlookedlikesomethinghe’dbedownfor.
“Youready?”
Grabbingmybagoffthefloor,Iopenedthetruckdoor.“Yeah,let’sgetthisoverwith.”
Camgrabbedaflashlightoutofthegloveboxashechuckled.“Don’tsoundtooexcited.”
Isenthimaquickgrin.“I’mnot.”
“Don’tlie.”Hewalkedaroundthehoodandjoinedme,pointingovertowhereacementtowerwitha

redtoproseintothesky.“That’swherewewanttogoto.”

“ThetoweronBloodyLane?”
Heshotmeaquicklook.“You’vebeenherebefore.”
“No.”
“Thenhowdidyouknowthat’sBloodyLane?”
IsmiledslightlyasIpickedupastrandofmyhair,twistingitbetweenmyfingers.“I’mahistory

major,soplaceslikethisappealtome.Readuponitbefore.Bloodiestdayofthewholewartookplace
onthatlittlestretchofdirtroad.”

“Yeah,that’swhattheysay.Holdonasec.”HeturnedtowhereaRangerwascuttingcrossthefield.

“Berightback.”

IwatchedhimjogovertowheretheRangerwaited.WordsseemedtobeexchangedandthenCam

showedhimhisnotebook.TheRangerlaughedandtheyshookhands.Tippingmyheadup,Icould
alreadyseetinystarsappearinginthedeepbluesky.Nightfallwouldbeonusinminutes.

Itookadeepbreathandletitoutslowly.
Camswaggeredbacktomyside.“We’regoodtogo.Andwe’renottheonlyones.Thereareafew

studentsdownbytheothersideofthetower.”

“Cool.”Ifellinstepwithhim,keepingahealthydistancebetweenus.“Whydosomanypeoplecome

heretodothis?I’msurethereareplacesclosertocampus.”

“Notlikethis.Lookaround.”Heshovedtheflashlightinhisbackpocket.“Besidesthehousesacross

thestreet,therearenocitylightsortowerseverywhere.It’sjustthesky.”

“Andcornfields,”Ipointedout.
Henodded.“Lotsofcornfields.”
Wehitthepavedportionofthelaneandstartedtowardthetower.“Howlongdoyouthinkthiswill

take?”Iasked.

“Why?Yougotahotdatetonight?”
Ibarkedoutashortlaugh.“Uh,no.”
Onesingledarkbrowarchedup.“Yousoundlikethat’saninsaneidea.Thatnoonewouldgooutona

Saturdaynightforadate.”

DroppingthepieceofhairIwasplayingwith,Iforcedacasualshrug.“I’mnotdatinganyone.”
“Sowhytherush?”
AdmittingthatIwasseriouslyuncomfortablebeingoutherewouldbeembarrassingandrude,soIsaid

nothing.

“AreyouworriedthatI’vebroughtyououthereformyownnefariousplans?”
Icametoacompletestop.Knotsformedinmystomach.“What?”
Camstoppedandturnedtowardme.Hisgrinslippedanotch.“Hey,Avery,I’mjustjoking.Seriously.”
Heatswampedmycheeksandtheknotsunraveled,replacedbyastrongfeelingoftotallameness.“I

know.I’mjust…”

“Jumpy?”hesupplied.
“Yeah,that.”
Hestudiedmeamomentlongerandthenstartedwalkingagain.“Comeon.It’llbedarksoon.”
Trailingbehindhim,Ipicturedmyselfrunningstraightintotheoldwoodenfencesandimpalingmyself

ononeofthepointyends.God,Ineededtogetagrip.NoteveryguywaslikeBlaine.Iknewthat.Totally
understoodthat.Iwasn’tcompletelydamagedbymyaffliction.

Ontheothersideofthetower,neartheplaques,twostudentsfromourastronomyclasssatonthe

bench,notebooksintheirlaps.Theywavedatusandaswewavedback,Camheadedalittlefurtherdown
thewideparkinglotandthenveeredofftowardthegrassyhilloverlookingthedirtpathofBloodyLane.

Campickedaspotandpulledouttheflashlightbeforehesatdown.Ihoveredafewstepsback,

listeningtothelowhumofthecrickets.Thegroundhaddriedoutfromyesterday’sweather,butevenifit
waswet,itwouldn’thavestoppedmefromsittingdown.Iwasjusttookeyedup.

“Joinme?Pattingthespotbesidehim,heinclinedhishead.“Prettyplease?I’mlonelyallbymyself

overhere.”

Bitingdownonmylip,Isatafewfeetawayfromhimandthenbusiedmyselfwithfindingmy

astronomynotebook.AsIpulleditout,Iglancedoverathimandoureyeslocked.Icouldn’tlookaway.

Intense.Thatwasthefirstwordthatcametomind.Hisstarewasintense,likehewasseeingrightthrough
me.

Clearingmythroat,Ifixedmyattentiononthenotebook.Finally,Camspoke.“Whatconstellationare

wesupposedtobemapping.”

HeheldtheflashlightwhileIskimmedthroughmynotes.“Um,theCoronaBorealis,Ithink.”
“Ah,thenortherncrown.”
Iglancedathim,browsraised.“Youknewthatoffthetopofyourhead?”
Helaughed.“Imightnottakenotes,butIdopayattention.”
Iwasprettysurehesleptthroughthevastmajorityoftheclassyesterday.IslidoutthegridProfessor

DragemadeforusandthenthestarmapandfoundtheCoronaBorealisonit.“Ireallydon’tunderstand
howanyoneseesshapesinthestars.”

“Really?”Hescootedoverandpeeredovermyshoulder.“Theshapesareprettyobvious.”
“Nottome.Imean,it’sjustabunchofstarsinthesky.Youcanprobablyseewhateveryouwantto

see.”

“LookattheBorealis.”Hetappedhisfingeroffthemap.“It’sobviouslyacrown.”
Ilaughed.“Itdoesnotlooklikeacrown.Itlookslikeanirregularhalf-circle.”
Heshookhishead.“Look.Youcanseeitnoweasily.That’sacrown.Comeon,seethesevenstars.”
ItippedmyheadbackasIgrabbedapenfrommybag.“Iseethesevenstars,butIalsoseeabouta

hundredotherpeekingout.Ialsoseethecookiemonster.”

Camburstintolaughter.Itwasanicesound,deepandrich.“You’reridiculous.”
MylipspulledintoasmileasIhoveredmypenoverthegrid.Ihadnoideawhatlatitudelinetostart

at.IglanceduptowardtheBorealisandmanagedtodrawalinewhereIthoughtIshould,connectingtwo
dots.

“Youknowwherethenamecomesfrom?”WhenIshookmyhead,hereachedoverandtookthepen

frommyhand.Hisfingersbrushedmine,andIpulledmyhandback,plantingitinthelushgrass.“It
representsthecrowngivenfromthegodDionysustoAriadne.WhenshemarriedBacchus,heplacedher
crownintheheavensinhonoroftheirmarriage.”

Istaredathim.“ProfessorDragedidn’tteachthatinclass.”
“Iknow.”
Leaningback,Istudiedhim.“Thenhowdidyouknowthat?”
“Whydon’tyouknowthat?”
Icockedmyheadtotheside,browsraised.
“Okay.Maybemostpeoplewouldn’tknowthatoffthetopoftheirhead.”Hetwirledmypenbetween

hisfingers.“Iactuallytookpartofthisclassasafreshmen,buthadtodropit.”

“Really?”
Henodded,butdidn’telaborate.
“You’re,what,ajunior?”
“Yep.Iendeduphavingtotakeayearoff,whichputmebehind.”
Iwantedtoaskwhy,butdecideditwasnoneofmybusiness.“Whydidyouretakeastronomy?”I

decidedthatwasasafetopic.“Isitapartofyourmajor.”

“No.IjustliketheclassandProfessorDrage.”Hepaused,flippingofftheflashlight.“I’mstudying

recreationandsport.Wouldliketogetintosportrehabilitation.”

“Oh.Didyou…”Itrailedoffasthegirlbehindusbrokeoutintoafitofgiggles.Glancingovermy

shoulder,myeyeswidened.

Thetwostudentsfromourclassweredefinitelyacoupleorwellonthewaytobecomingone.Their

notebookswereforgottenonthebench.Shewasinhislap,theirfacesinchesapartandhishandwas
slippedunderthehemofherskirt.

“Nowthatisaninterestingformofstargazing,”Camcommented.
Iwasgratefulforthedarkeningsky,becausemyfacestartedtoheat.IknewIshouldturnaway,

becausewatchingthemmademeatotalcreeper,butIcouldn’t.Notevenwhenthegirl’shandthreaded
throughtheboy’shair,pullinghisheadtohersandtheystartedreallykissingandhishandwasalltheway
upherskirt,tohisforearm.

Wow.
Campokedmeinthearmwithmypen,drawingmyattention.Helooked…curious.“What?”Isaid.
“Nothing.It’sjustthat…”Heseemedtochoosehisnextwordswisely.“You’rewatchingthemlike…

you’veneverseenacoupledothatbefore.”

“Iam?”
Henodded.“Sounlessyouwereraisedinaconvent,Iimaginedyou’vebeeninalapatimeortwo,

right?”

“No,Ihaven’t!”Iwinced,becauseIpracticallyyelledthat.“Imean,Ihaven’tbeeninaguy’slap.”
“Whataboutagirl’slap?”
“What?No!”
Aslowgrinspreadacrosshisface.“Iwasjoking,Avery.”
Igrittedmyteeth.“Iknow,it’sjustthat…”
“What?”Hepokedmeagain.“Youwhat?”
Mymouthopenedandtheworsekindofverbalvomithappened.“I’veneverbeeninarelationship.”

ThemomentthosewordscameoutofmymouthIwantedtokickmyselfintheboob.Whoadmittedthatto
avirtualstranger?Clenchingtheedgesofmynotebook,IpeekedupatCam.HewasstaringatmelikeI’d
justclaimedtobetheVirginMary.Mycheeksburned.“What?It’snotabigdeal.”

Heblinkedandgavehisheadalittleshakeasheturnedbacktothesky.“You’veneverbeenina

relationship?”

“No.”Ishifted,uncomfortabletothemax,likeIlaidmysoulbare.
“Nothing?”
“That’swhatnomeans.”
Cammouthopenedandthenclosed.“Howoldareyou?”
IrolledmyeyesasIwiggled.“I’mnineteen.”
“Andyouhaven’tbeeninasinglerelationship?”heaskedagain.
“No.”Thepaperwasstartingtocrumpleundermyfingers.“Myparents…theywerestrict.”Sucha

lie,butitsoundedbelievable.“Imean,reallystrict.”

“Icantell.”Camtappedmypenoffhisnotepad.“Sohaveyougoneonadateoranything?”
Sighing,Icastmyeyestomypaper.“Ithoughtweweresupposedtobemappingstars?”
“Weare.”
“No,we’renot.AllIhaveisascribblylineandyouhavenothing.”
“ThatscribblylineisbetweentheDeltaandGamma.”Heleanedover,connectingtwoofthedots.

“HereistheThetaandthisistheAlpha—brighteststar.See,wearehalfwaydone.”

IfrownedasIglancedup,tracingthepatternofthestarsinthesky.Hell,hewasgettingitright.Then

heleanedinagain,hisshoulderpressingintomineashedrewaperfectlinetoanotherdotonthemap.I
bitdownonmylipashecontinuedtofinishthemapwithoutlookinguponceoratthestarmap.Iwas
acutelyawareofhowwarmhisarmfelteventhroughthetwolayersofclothing.Thewarmthfromthe
contactspreadupmyshoulderandacrossmychest,kickingmypulseup.

Heturnedhisheadtowardme.“Nowwe’redonemappingstars.”
Isuckedinasharpbreath.Ourfaceswereinchesapartandhewaswaytooclose.Mygazefelltohis

lips.Theyweretippedupononesideandthatdimplestartedtoappearinhisleftcheek.Hislipsstarted
moving,butIdidn’thearawordhewassaying.Iwantedtomoveaway,butI…Ididn’twantto.
ConfusionsweptthroughmybodyasIstrugglednottoshyaway…andnottomovecloser.Itwaslike
beingcaughtbetweentwooppositemagnets.

MaybeIshouldstopstaringathislips.
Soundedlikeagoodplan,becausestaringataguy’slipswaskindofcreepy,soIforcedmygazeup.

Ohboy,wrongmove,becausenowIwasstaringintothosepanty-droppingeyesasJacobreferredtothem
earlierwhenhetexted.AndJacobhadbeenright.Ibettherewasalegionofdiscardedpantiesinthe
wakeofwhereverCamwent.Itshouldbeillegalforaboytohavelashesasthickashis.Eveninthe
darkness,hiseyesweretheshadeofdenim.Thesomewhattolerablewarmthturnedintonearunbearable
heatasitspedthroughmyveins.

Isquirmedagain,unabletorememberfeelinglikethisinalongtime.AtleastnotsincetheHalloween

party.Maybebefore.Definitelybefore.TherewasjustsomethingaboutCamthatsortofmademeforget
everythingexceptwhatwashappeningthatverymoment.Soundednormal.Ilikeditforthemostpart.

“Areyoulisteningtome?”
Iblinkedslowly.“Huh?Yes!Yes.Totally.”
Hisgrinturnedknowing,andIwantedtocrawlunderapricklybush.“Yeah…so,youhaven’tbeenon

adate?”

“What?”
Camchuckledsoftly.“Youreallyhaven’tbeenlisteningtomeatall.You’vebeentoobusystaringat

me.”

“Ihavenot!”MyentirefaceburnedwiththatlittlefibandIhastilyfocusedonwherethecouplehad

been.Theyweregonenow.

Henudgedmyshoulder.“Yes,youwere.”
Iscrewedupmyface.“Youaresobeyondtheacceptablelevelofarrogance.”
“Arrogant?I’mjuststatingthetruth.”Camtossedhisnotebookonthegroundandleanedbackonhis

elbows,eyeingmethroughhisloweredlashes.Thatdamn,insufferablelopsidedgrinwasonhisface.
“There’snothingwrongwithstaringatme.Ilikeit.”

Mymouthdroppedopen.HowintheworldwasIsupposedtorespondtothat?“Iwasn’tstaringatyou.

Notreally.Isortof…dazedout.That’showthrillingtalkingtoyouis.”

“Everythingaboutmeisthrilling,”hereplied.
“Aboutasthrillingaswatchingyourtortoisecrossaroad.”
“Uh-huh.Keeptellingyourselfthat,sweetheart.”
“Keepcallingmesweetheartandyou’regoingtobelimping.”
Cam’seyeswidened.“Oh,listentoyou.”
“Whatever.”
“Weshoulddoit.”
Mymindwentstraighttowhereitshouldn’thavegoneandmyskinstartedtoprickle.“Dowhat?Go

home?I’mallaboutgoinghome,likerightnow.”

“Goonadate.”
ObviouslyImissedanimportantpartinthisconversation.Iclosedmynotebookandreachedaround,

grabbingmybag.“I’mnotsureI’mfollowingthisconversation.”

“It’sreallynotthatcomplicated.”HelaughedwhenIshothimalook.“Weshouldgooutonadate.”

MystomachdroppedasIlookedbackathim.Helookedsocontent,halfsprawledontheground.Was

hejoking?Washehigh?Ishovedmynotebookintomybag,alongwithmypen.“Idon’tunderstand.”

Camlaidbackandstretchedhisarmsabovehishead,causinghisshirttorideupandexposeasliceof

tanskinandtwoindentsoneithersideofhiships…dearGod.Ilookedawayandtookahugegulpofair.

“Typicallygoingonadateiswhentwopeoplegooutfortheeveningorsometimesduringtheday.

Really,itcanbeanytimeofthedayornight.Itusuallyinvolvesdinner.Sometimesamovieorawalkin
thepark.Though,Idon’tdowalksinthepark.Maybeonabeach,butsincetherearen’tany—”

“Iknowwhatadateis,”Isnapped,shovingtomyfeet.
Heremainedonthegroundandhedidn’tlooklikehewasmovinganytimesoon.Ishould’vetakenmy

owncar.“Yousaidyoudidn’tunderstand,”hepointedoutgamely.“SoI’mexplainingwhatadate
means.”

Frustrated…andreluctantlyamused,Icrossedmyarms.“That’snotthepartIdon’tunderstandandyou

knowthat.”

“Iwasjustmakingsurewewereonthesamepage.”
“We’renot.”
Camloweredhisarms,buttherewassillagapbetweenhisshirtandjeans.Washewearing

underwear?AllIsawwasaleatherbeltandjeans.Okay.Ididn’tneedtostartthinkingaboutthat.“So
nowthatwebothknowwhatadateentails,weshouldgooutonone,”hesaid.

“Uh…”
Camlaughedashesatupinonefluidmoment.“That’snotreallyaresponse,Avery.”
“I…”Adate?AdatewithCameronHamilton?Twothingsroseatonce:uneaseandinterest.Itooka

stepback,puttingdistancebetweenmeandhimandeverythingelse.“Don’tyouhaveagirlfriend?”

Hisbrowsshotupinsurpriseandhelaughed.“Agirlfriend?No.”
“ThenwhowasthatbrunettestumblingoutofyourapartmentWednesdaynight?”Iasked.
Cam’sgrinspreadintoawidesmile.“Haveyou’vebeenwatchingme,Avery?”
“No.No!What?Iwasn’twatchingyou.Idohavealife.”
Hearchedabrow.“ThenhowdoyouknowaboutStephanie?”
“That’shername?”
“Well,yes,shehasanameandno,she’snotmygirlfriend.”Hecockedhisheadtothesideashestared

upatme.“Andshewasn’tstumbling.Maybeshuffling.”

Irolledmyeyes.
“Sohowdidyouseeherifyouweren’twatchingme?”heaskedashecrossedhisankles.“AndIdon’t

mindtheideaofyouwatchingme.Remember,Ilikethat.”

Iforcedmyselftotakeadeep,slowbreathbeforeIwalkedupandkickedhimintheleg.“Iwasn’t

watchingyou.Icouldn’tsleepandIwasstaringoutmylivingroomwindow.Ijusthappenedtoseeyou
walkingherouttohercar.”

“Well,thatmakessense.Notnearlyasentertainingasyoustandingbyyourwindowhopingtocatcha

glimpseofme.”

AllIcoulddowasstareathim.
Hewinked,anddamn,ifhedidn’tlookgooddoingit.“Steph’snotmygirlfriendbytheway.Wearen’t

likethat.”

Whichmeanttheyweremostlikelyhookingupandtherewasnothingwrongwiththat.Andmaybethat

waswhathewantedfrommewiththiswholedatething.Jacobwouldbethrilledtohearthat.Mentalnote
toself:sonottellinghimaboutthis.“I’mnotlikethat.”

“Likewhat?”heasked.

Sohewasgoingtomakemespellitout.Ofcourse.Whynot?“I’mnotlikeher.”
“Doyouknowher?”
Myeyesnarrowed.“Idon’tjusthookupwithguysforfun,okay?Idon’tseeanythingwrongwithit.

Totallynotjudginghere,butthat’snotme.SoI’mnotinterested.Sorry.”

“Waitasec.I’mconfused.You’renotjudgingher,butyou’vemadetheassumptionthatshe’sinto

randomhookups?That’sshe’smyfuckbuddy?Isn’tthatkindofmakingarashjudgmentbasedon
assumptions?”

Damnit,hehadapoint.“You’reright.Idon’tknowifthat’swhatyouguysareabout.Maybeyou’re

justchildhoodbuddiesorsomething.”

“We’renot.”Thatmischievousgrinwasback.“Wehookupeveryonceinawhile.”
Igapedathim.“Iwasright!Thenwhydidyouaccusemeofbeingjudgmental?”
“Iwasjustpointingitout,”hereplied,eyestwinklinglikethosedamnstarsinthesky.“Andforthe

record,wedidn’thookupWednesdaynight.Notforthelackoftryingonherpart,butIwasn’tfeelingit.”

IrememberedhowthegirlhadlookedandIwonderedwhatred-bloodedmalewouldn’thavebeen

feelingthat.“Whatever.Thisisastupidconversation.”

“Ilikethisconversation.”
Shakingmyhead,Ibentandreachedformybag,butCamshottohisfeetandgrabbeditbeforeIcould

getmyfingersaroundthestrap.IsighedasIheldoutmyhand.“Giveittome.”

“I’mtryingto.”
Ishothimadisgustedlook.
Chuckling,hesteppedforwardandlaidthestrapovermyshoulder.Hisfingersbrushedmyneck,andI

couldn’tstopmybodyfromjumpingattheslighttouch.Hesteppedbackandpickeduptheflashlight.
“See?Iwasjustbeingagentleman.”

“Idon’tthinkyou’reagentleman,”Igrumbledasmyfingerstightenedaroundthestrap.“Butthank

you.”

Heswipedhisnotebookoffthegroundandweheadedbacktowherehistruckwasparked,passingthe

nowemptybench.Heshonetheflashlightwhenwehitthefield,lightningourpath.Iguesstoproveme
wrong,heopenedthedoorformewhenwestoppedinfrontofhistruck.“Milady.”

“Thankyou,”Isaid,alittlemoreappreciativesoundingthanbefore.
Insteadofclosingthedoor,Camleanedagainsttheframeandplacedahandontheedgeoftheopen

door.“So,whataboutit?”

“Whataboutwhat?”
Heeyedmewiththesameintenseinteresthehadearlier.“Gooutonadatewithme.”
Istiffened.“Why?”
“Whynot?”
“That’snotananswer.”Yankingthestrapontheseatbelt,Ibusiedmyselfwithsecuringit.Myhands

wereshaking,soIkeptmissingthelatch.

“Whatkindofquestionwasthat?HowamI—hey,it’sjustaseatbelt.Notthathard.”Heleanedover,

takingcontrol.Hishandsbrushedovermine,andIjerkedbackagainsttheseat.Hepausedandlookedat
me,thoselipsusuallytiltedup,startedtotipdownatthecorners.Somethingflaredinhiseyes.Idon’t
knowwhatitwas,butitwasgoneashesnappedtheseatbeltinplace.Hedidn’tmoveback,though.“Why
shouldn’twegooutonadate?”

Istrainedbackagainsttheseat,myhandscurlingintofistsinmylap.Itwasn’tthatIwasthat

uncomfortablewithhimbeingsoclose.ItwasthatIwasuncomfortablewiththewayInoticedevery
slighttouchofskinorlook.“Because…becausewedon’tknoweachother.”

Hislipstippedupagain.IdecidedIlikedthemlikethatoverthefrownieface.“That’swhatadateis

allabout.Gettingtoknoweachother.”Cam’seyesdroppedtomymouth.“Gooutonadatewithme.”

“There’snothingtoknowaboutme.”Thewordscameoutinaheadywhisperasmychestrosesharply.
Hetiltedtohisheadtotheside.“I’msurethereistonstoknowaboutyou.”
“There’snot.”
“Thenwecanspendthetimewithmetalking.”
“Thatsoundslikefun.”
“Oh,itwillbemorethrillingthanwatchingRaphaelcrossaroad.”
“Ha.”
Hegrinned.“Thoughtyou’dlikethat.”
Ifeltthesidepocketofmybagvibrateagainstmylegonce.Atextmessage?ProbablyfromJacob.I

wantedtoreachforit,butIwouldendupsmackingmyheadoffCam’s.NotsomethingIwantedtorepeat.
“Canwegoyet?”

“Canwegoonadate?”
“GoodGod,youdon’tgiveup.”
“Nope.”
Ilaughed,couldn’thelpit,andhissmilespreadinresponsetothesound.“I’msurethereareplentyof

girlswhowanttogooutonadatewithyou.”

“Thereare.”
“Wow.Modestaren’tyou?”
“WhyshouldIbe?”heshotback.“AndIwanttogooutonadatewithyou.Notthem.”
“Idon’tunderstandwhy.”
Hisdarkbrowsrose.“Icanthinkofafewreasons.You’renotlikemostgirls.Thatinterestsme.

You’reawkwardinthisreally…adorableway.You’resmart.Wantmetolistmore?”

“No.Notatall,”Itoldhimquickly.Ineededtonipthisinthebud.Reputationaside,hewasahellofa

lotmorethanIcouldeverhopetohandle.HewouldexpectthingsIcouldn’tgivehim.Holdinga
conversationwithhimwasdifficultenoughsometimes.“Idon’twanttogooutonadatewithyou.”

Camdidn’tlooksurprisedbymyresponseorundaunted.“Ifiguredyou’dsaythat.”
“Thenwhydidyouask?”
Hefinally—thankGod—backedawayandgrippedthesideofthedoor.“BecauseIwantedto.”
“Oh.Well.Okay.Gladyougotitoutofyoursystem.”
Hisbrowsknitted.“Ihaven’tgottenitoutofmysystem.”
Ohno.“Youhaven’t?”
“Nope.”Heflashedacharminggrin.“There’salwaystomorrow.”
“Whatabouttomorrow?”
“I’llaskyouagain.”
Ishookmyhead.“Theanswerwillbethesame.”
“Maybe.Maybenot.”Hereachedoutandtappedthetipofmynose.“Andmaybeyou’llsayyes.I’ma

patientguy,andhey,likeyousaid,Idon’tgiveupeasily.”

“Great,”Imuttered,but…oh,ohman,therewasanunfamiliarstirringinmychest.
“Knewyou’dseeitthatway.”Camtweakedthetipofmynose,andIswattedhishandaway.“Don’t

worry.Iknowthetruth.”

“Thetruthaboutwhat?”
Camsteppedback.“Youwanttosayyes,butyou’rejustnotready.”
Myjawdropped.

“It’sokay.”Hisgrinturnedcocky.“I’malottohandle,butIcanassureyou,you’llhavefunhandling

me.”

ThenbeforeIcouldmusteruparesponseworthyofthatstatement,hetappedmynoseoncemoreand

thenshutthedoorinmyface.

#

Backinmyapartment,Idroppedmybagonthecouchandcollapsednexttoit.Gooutonadatewith

Cameron?Washeinsane?Hehadtobejokingorjustflirting.Ontheridehome,hehadn’tmentionedit
again,insteadhespentthetimedrillingmeaboutmyschedule.Questionbyquestion,hedraggedoutevery
detailabouttheclassesIwastaking.Bythetimewe’dgotbacktothebuilding,Iwasexhausted.

Leaningmyheadbackagainstthecushion,Iclosedmyeyes.Myheartwasbeatingprettyfastforjust

sittingdown.WashebeingseriousaboutnothookingupwithStephanieonWednesday?Seemedoddto
methathehadn’tifshereallyhadbeenalloverhim.

Honestly,itdidn’tmatter.
Icouldn’tdoarelationshipofanysorts.Maybeoneday.Hopefullyoneday,becauseIdidn’twantto

belikethisfortherestofmylife.EventuallyIwantedtobethegirlwhogotexcitedaboutbeingaskedout
onadateinsteadofthegirlwhocamehomeanddidthis.

Openingmyeyes,Igroaned.“I’mSeñorFucktard.OrSeñoritaFucktard.”
IpushedtomyfeetandstartedhalfwaytothebedroombeforeIrememberedmyvibratingbag.“Shit.”
Hurryingbacktothecouch,Ireachedintothesidepocketandpulledoutmycell.Itappedthescreen,

fullyexpectingtoseeatextfromJacoborBrittanypopup.InsteadIsawamissedcallandvoicemail.

“Whatthehell?”
IranmyfingersalongthesideandfiguredoutI’dknockedthedamnthingtosilent.Slidingmyfigure

alongthescreen,IunlockeditandsawthatthecallwasfromanUNKNOWNCALLER.

Myheartskippedabeat.
Nobigdeal.Probablyawrongcalloratelemarketer.Iwenttothevoicemailpageandmyfinger

hoveredoverthedeletebutton.Thepastraiseditsugly,bitterhead.HowmanytimesdidIgetaprankcall
frompeopleblockingtheirnumber?Toomanytocount,butthatcouldn’tbeit.Mynumberwasnew,like
myemail….

Icursedagain.
Takingadeepbreath,Ihitthemessageandraisedittomyear.Therewasapauseandthenagravelly,

indistinguishablevoicecrackledthroughthephone.“Youknowwhathappenstoliarsandskanks?They
getabig,fat—”

Cryingout,IhitthedeletebuttonbeforeIcouldhearanythingmore.Idroppedthephoneonthecouch

insteadoftossingitagainstthewallandbackeduplikeitwassomekindofvenomouscreaturesperched
onthecushions.

Anymethodofcommunicationcouldbecomepoisonous.Didn’tIalreadyknowthatfirsthand?A

strangledlaughescapedme.Really,didtheyhavenothingbettertodo?Ithadbeenfiveyears.Fiveyears!
Theycouldn’tletgoofthepast.

Justlikedeepdown,neithercouldI.

Chapter7

Ijerkedstraightupinbed,confusedanddisorientated.ItwasdamnnearclosetofouramwhenI’d

finallyfallenasleepandIhadnoideawhatwokeme.Itwistedinbed,groaningwhenIsawthatitwas
onlyeightinthemorning.

OnaSunday.
Floppingontomyback,Istaredupattheceiling.OnceIwasawake,therewasnohopeofever—
Thump.Thump.Thump.
Isatupagain,frowning.Someonewasbangingonadoor—mydoor.Whatthehell?Throwingoffthe

covers,Iswungmylegsoffthebed.MytoecaughtonthesheetandInearlyatethecarpet.

“Holycrap.”
Cursing,Iracedthroughtheapartmentbeforetheentirebuildingwaswokenup.Istretchedup,peering

throughthepeephole.AllIcouldseewasamassofwavydarkhair.Cam?

Somethinghadtobewrong.Maybethebuildingwasonfire,becauseIcouldn’tthinkofanyother

reasontowhyhe’dbebangingonmydoorSundaymorning.

“Iseverythingokay?”Iwincedatthesoundofmyvoice.
Camspunaround.Acrookedsmileappeared,takinghisalreadyextraordinaryfaceandmakingit

boyishlysexy.“No,butitwillbeinaboutfifteenminutes.”

“W-w-what?”Isteppedasideorwasforcedasideasheenteredmyapartment,carryingsomething

wrappedintinfoil,acartonofeggs—huh?—andatinyfryingpan.“Cam,whatareyoudoing?It’seightin
themorning.”

“Thanksfortheupdateonthetime.”Heheadedstraightformykitchen.“It’sonethingI’veneverbeen

abletomaster:thetellingoftime.”

Ifrownedaspaddedafterhim.“Whyareyouhere?”
“Makingbreakfast.”
“Youcan’tdothatinyourownkitchen?”Iask,scrubbingatmyeyes.Aftertheastronomyassignment

andthephonecall,hewasthelastpersonIwantedtoseeatabuttcracktimeinthemorning.

“Mykitchenisn’tasexcitingasyours.”Heputhisstuffonthecounterandfacedme.Hishairwas

dampandcurlierthannormal.Howwasitpossibleforhimtolooksogoodwhenitwasobvioushe’djust
rolledoutofbedandshowered?Therewasn’tevenadustingofmorningscruffonhissmoothcheeks.And
hemadesweatsandaplainoldteeshirtlookdamngood.“AndOllieispassedoutonthelivingroom
floor.”

“Onthefloor?”
“Yep.Facedown,snoringanddroolingalittle.It’snotanappetizingatmosphere.”
“Well,neitherismyapartment.”Heneededtogo.Hehadnobusinessbeinghere.
Camleanedagainstmycounter,foldinghisarms.“Oh,Idon’tknowaboutthat…”Hisgazemoved

fromthetopofmydisheveledheadandallthewaydowntothetipsofmycurledtoes.Itwaslikea
physicaltouch,causingmybreathtocatch.“Yourkitchen,rightthissecond,isveryappetizing.”

Aflushcrawledacrossmycheeks.“I’mnotgoingoutwithyou,Cam.”
“Ididn’taskyouatthismoment,nowdidI?”Onesideofhislipscurvedup.“Butyouwilleventually.”
Myeyesnarrowed.“You’redelusional.”
“I’mdetermined.”
“Morelikeannoying.”
“Mostwouldsayamazing.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Onlyinyourhead.”

“Inmanyheadsiswhatyoumeant,”hereplied,turningbacktomystove.“Ialsobroughtbanananut

breadbakedinmyveryownoven.”

Shakingmyhead,Iglaredathisback.“I’mallergictobananas.”
Camspunaround,browsraisedindisbelief.“Areyoushittingme?”
“No.I’mnot.I’mallergictobananas.”
“Man,that’sadamnshame.Youhavenoideawhatyou’remissingouton.Bananasmaketheworlda

betterplace.”

“Iwouldn’tknow.”
Hecockedhisheadtotheside.“Anythingelseyou’reallergicto?”
“Besidespenicillinandguyswhobustupintomyapartment?No.”
“Hardy-har-har,”hereplied,dippingdownashestartedopeningcabinets.“Howmanyweaker,less

assuredguyshaveyouslayedwiththattongueofyours?”

“Apparentlynotenough,”Imuttered.IwenttoadjustmybraceletandrealizedIwasn’twearingit.My

heartdropped.“I’llberightback.”

Hummingtohimself,Camnodded.Idartedbacktomybedroomandgrabbedthebraceletoffthe

nightstandandslippediton.Ashudderofreliefwentthroughme.Halfwayoutofthebedroom,Iglanced
downandcursedagain.

Nobra.
Thethinmaterialofmyshirtstretchtautacrossmychestandmynippleswerepokingout,sayinghello.

“Oh,Jesus.”

Tossingtheshirtoff,Igrabbedasportsbraoutofmydresser.
“Hey!Areyouhidingbackthere?”yelledCam.“BecauseIwillcomebackthereanddragyouout.”
Sportsbrastuckaroundmyheadandbreastsbouncingeverywhere,Iblanched.Iyankeditdown,

smushingmyrightboob.Ow!“Don’tyoudarecomeinhere!”

“Thenhurryup.Myeggswaitfornoone.”
“OhmyGod,”Imuttered,pullingmyshirtbackon.ImadeittothehallwaybeforeIthenrealizedI

alsohadn’tbrushedmyteeth.Camandhiseggsweregoingtohavetowait.

WhenIreturnedtothekitchen,hehadseveraleggsboilinginwater,andaperfectsunnysideupeggin

thelittlefryingpanhe’dbrought.He’dfoundthebagofshreddedcheeseinmyfridgeandwassprinkling
itacrosstheeggs.

Seeinghiminmykitchen,atmystoveunnervedme.Knotsformedlowinmybellyasheeasilyfound

theplatesandsilverware.Icrossedmyarms,shufflingfromsidetoside.“Cam,whyareyouoverhere?”

“Ialreadytoldyou.”Heslidtheeggsontoaplateandthenwalkedthemovertothebistrosetbuttedup

tothewall.“Doyouwanttoast?Wait.Doyouhavebread?Ifnot,Ican—”

“No.Idon’tneedtoast.”He’dtakencompletecontrolofmykitchen!“Don’tyouhaveanyoneelseto

bother?”

“ThereareashittonofpeoplethatIcouldrewardwithmypresence,butIchoseyou.”
Thishadtobethemostbizarremorningever.Iwatchedhimamomentlonger.Givingupongettinghim

outofmyapartment,Isatinthehigh-risechair,tuckingmylegsagainstmychest.Ipickedupafork.
“Thanks.”

“Ichoosetobelievethatyoumeanthat.”
“Ido!”
Heflashedaquickgrin.“Idoubtthatforsomereason.”
NowIfeltlikeatotalbitch.“Idoappreciatetheeggs.I’mjustsurprisedtoseeyouhere…ateightin

themorning.”

“Well,tobehonest,Iwasplanningtowooyouwithmybanananutbread,butthatshitain’thappening

now.SoallIhaveleftismydeliciouseggs.”

Itookabiteofthecheesygoodness.“Itisreallygood,butyou’renotwooingme.”
“Oh,I’mwooing.”HeopenedupthefridgeandgrabbedabottleofOJ.Pouringtwoglasses,hesatone

infrontofme.“It’sjustallaboutthestealth.Youdon’trealizeityet.”

Droppingthatnowinconversation,Imovedon.“Aren’tyoueating?”
“Iam.Ilikeboiledeggs.”Camgesturedtothestoveashesatinthechairoppositeofmine.Hepopped

hischinonhisfist,andIfocusedonmyplate.Thebastardlookedtooadorableandcute.“So,Avery
Morgansten,I’mallyours.”

Ialmostchokedonthepieceofegg.“Idon’twantyou.”
“Toobad,”hereplied,grinning.“Tellmeaboutyourself.”
Ohhelltotheno,thebondingshitwasn’thappening.“Doyoudothisoften?Justwalkintorandom

girls’apartmentsandmakeeggs?”

“Well,you’renotrandom,sotechnicallyno.”Hegotupandcheckedtheeggsboiling.“AndImightbe

knowntosurpriseluckyladieseverynowandthen.”

“Seriously?Imean,youdothisnormally?”
Camglancedoverhisshoulderatme.“Withfriends,yes,andwe’refriends,aren’twe,Avery?”
Mymouthopened.Werewefriends?Iguessedso,butstill.Wasthisnormal?OrwasCamjustthat

confident?Hedidthingslikethis,becauseheknewhecould,thatnoonewouldreallymakehimleave.
Mostpeopleprobablywouldn’twanthimtoleave.AndIcould’vemadehimgetthehelloutifI’dreally
wantedtoandthatwasthetruth.Camwasthekindofguywhowasprobablyusedtogettingwhathe
wanted.

JustlikeBlaine.
ThatthoughtturnedtheeggsinmystomachandIplacedmyforkdown.“Yeah,we’refriends.”
“Finally!”heshouted,makingmejumpalittle.“You’vefinallyadmittedthatwe’vefriends.It’sonly

takenaweek.”

“We’veonlyknowneachotherforaweek.”
“Stilltookaweek,”hereplied,pokingattheeggsinthewater.
Ipushedthelastremainingchunkofeggsaroundmyplate.“What?Doesitnormallytakeyoujustan

hourtohavesomeonedeclaringbestfriendsforever?”

“No.”Hepulledouttheeggs,droppingtheminabowl.Comingtothetable,hesatagain.Hiseyesmet

mine,anditwashardtomaintainthatstare.Thoseeyesreallywereabeautifulshadeofazure,sharpand
clear.Thekindofeyesyoucouldeasilygetloststaringinto.“Itusuallytakesmeaboutfiveminutes
beforewe’vemovedontobestfriendstatus.”

AsmilesnuckoutasIshookmyhead.“ThenIguessI’mjusttheoddone.”
“Maybe.”Hislashesloweredashestartedpeelinghisboiledegg.
Itookadrink.“Iguessit’sdifferentforyou.”
“Hmm?”
“Ibetyouhavegirlshangingalloveryou.DozenswouldprobablykilltobeinmyspotandhereIam,

allergictoyourbread.”

Helookedup.“Why?Becauseofmyneargodlikeperfection?”
Alaughburstfromme.“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.”
Camchuckledandthenshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Don’treallythinkaboutit.”
“Youdon’tthinkaboutitatall?”
“Nope.”Hepoppedawhole,freakingeggintohismouth.Besidesthat,hehadimpeccabletable

manners.Chewingwithhismouthclosed,wipinghishandsonthenapkinhe’dpulledfromtheholder,and
nottalkingwithhismouthfull.“Ionlythinkaboutitwhenitmatters.”

Ourgazescollided,andmycheeksflushed.Iranmyfingeralongtherimofmyglass.“Soyou’rea

reformedplayer?”

Hepaused,egghalfwaytohismouth.“Whatmakesyouthinkthat?”
“Iheardyouwerequitetheplayerinhighschool.”
“Really?Whodidyouhearthatfrom?”
“Noneofyourbusiness.”
Abrowarched.“Withthatmouthofyours,youdon’thavealotoffriends,doyou?”
Iflinched,becausethatwasaspot-onobservation.“No,”Iheardmyselfsaying.“Iwasn’treally

popularinhighschool.”

Camdroppedhiseggontheplateandsatback.“Shit.I’msorry.Thatwasanassholethingformeto

say.”

Iwaveditoff,butitstung
Hewatchedmethroughthicklashes.“Hardtobelievethoughthatyouweren’t.Youcanbefunnyand

nicewhenyou’renotinsultingmeandyou’reaprettygirl.Actually,you’rereallyhot.”

“Ah…thanks.”Isquirmed,holdingmyglassclose.
“I’mserious.Yousaidyourparentswerestrict.Theydidn’tletyouhangoutinhighschool?”WhenI

nodded,hefinishedofftheegghe’ddropped.“Istillcan’timagineyounotbeingpopularinhighschool.
Yourockthetrifietca—smart,funny,andhot.”

“Iwasn’t.Okay?”Isetmyglassdownandmovedontotuggingataloosestringonthehemofmy

shorts.“Iwasliketheveryoppositeofpopular.”

Camstartedpeelinganotheregg.Wonderedhowmanyhe’deat.“Iamsorry,Avery.That…thatsucks.

Highschoolisabigdeal.”

“Yeah,itis.”Iwettedmylipsnervously.“Youhadalotoffriends?”
Henodded.
“Stilltalktothem?”
“Someofthem.OllieandIwenttohighschooltogether,buthespenthisfirsttwoyearsatWVUand

transferreddownhereandIseeafewaroundcampusandbackhome.”

Wrappingmyarmsaroundmylegstokeepfromfidgeting,Irestedmychinonmyknees.“Haveany

brothersorsisters?”

“Asister,”hereplied,pickingupthelastegg—thefourthone.Agenuinesmileappeared.“She’s

youngerthanme.Justturnedeighteen.Shegraduatesthisyear.”

“Youguysclose?”Icouldn’timaginehavingabrotherlikeCam.
“Yeah,we’reclose.”Adarklookcrossedhisfaceandvanishedquickly,butitleftmewonderingif

theyreallywerethatclose.“Shemeansalottome.Howaboutyou?AbigbrotherIhavetoworryabout
visitingandkickingmyassforbeinghere?”

“No.I’manonlychild.Haveacousinwho’solder,butIdoubthe’ddothat.”
“Ah,good.”Devouringthategg,hesatbackandpattedhisstomach.“Whereyoufrom?”
Ipressedmylipstogether,tryingtodecideifIshouldlieornot.
“Okay.”Hedroppedhisarmoffthebackofthemetalchair.“YouobviouslyknowwhereI’mfromif

you’veheardofmyextracurricularactivesinhighschool,butI’lljustconfirmit.I’mfromtheFortHill
area.Neverheardofthat?Well,mostpeoplehaven’t.It’snearMorgantown.Whydidn’tIgotoWVU?
Everyonewantstoknowthat.”Heshrugged.“Justwantedtogetaway,butbesomewhatclosetomy
family.Andyes,Iwas…verybusyinhighschool.”

“You’renotanymore?”Iasked,notreallyexpectinghimtoanswer,becauseitwasn’tmybusiness,but

hey,ifIcouldkeephimtalking,Ididn’thavetosayanything.

AndIwas…interestedinlearningmore,becauseCam,hewasfascinatinginaway.Hewaslikeevery

uber-popular,sexyguyinhighschool,buthewasn’tadick.Thatalonemadehimworthyofascientific
study.Also,itwasbetterthansittingaroundaloneandthinkingaboutharassingphonecallsandemails.

“Dependsonwhoyouask.”Helaughedthen.“Yeah,Idon’tknow.WhenIwasafreshman—thosefirst

coupleofmonths,beingaroundalltheoldergirls?IprobablyputmoreeffortintothemthanIdidmy
classes.”

Igrinned,easilyabletopicturethat.“Butnotnow?”
Heshookhishead.“Sowhereyoufrom?”
Okay.Obviouslywhatchangedhisex-playerstatuswassomethinghedidn’twanttotalkabout.Visions

ofpregnancyscaresdancedinmyhead.“I’mfromTexas.”

“Texas?”Heleanedforward.“Really?Youdon’thaveanaccent.”
“Iwasn’tborninTexas.MyfamilywasoriginallyfromOhio.WemovedtoTexaswhenIwaseleven

andIneverpickedupanyaccent.”

“TexastoWestVirginia?That’sahellofadifference.”
Unfoldingmylegs,Istoodandpickedupmyplateandhisbowl.“Well,Ilivedinthestripmallhell

partofTexas,butbesidesthat,it’skindofthesamehere.”

“Ishouldcleanup.”Hestartedtostand.“Imadethemess.”
“No.”Ibackedawaywithhisbowl.“Youcooked.Iclean.”
Herelented,openingthefoiledbread.Itdidsmellwonderful.“Whatmadeyouchoosehere?”
Iwashedthedishesandhislittlefryingpanbeforeansweringthatdoozy.“Ijustwantedtogetaway,

likeyou.”

“Gottobehardthough.”
“No.”Ipickedupthepotheusedtoboiltheeggs.“Itwasincrediblyeasytomakethedecision.”
Heseemedtoconsiderthatashebrokethebreadinhalf.“Youareanenigma,AveryMorgansten.”
Ileanedagainstthecounter,myeyeswideningandheproceededtoeathalfoftheloaf.“Notreally.

Morelikeyouare.”

“Howso?”
Igesturedathim.“Youjustatefourhard-boiledegg,you’reeatinghalfofaloaf,andyouhaveabsthat

lookliketheybelongonaBowflexad.”

Camlookedabsolutelythrilledtohearthat.“You’vebeencheckingmeout,haven’tyou?In-between

yourflaminginsults?Ifeellikemancandy.”

Ilaughed.“Shutup.”
“I’magrowingboy.”
Mybrowsrose,andCamlaughed.Ashefinishedoffhalfoftheloaf,hetalkedalittleabouthis

parents.Imademywaybacktothetableandsat,genuinelyinterested.Hisfatherranhisownlawfirm
andhismotherwasadoctor.ThatmeanttheCamcamefrommoney,notthekindthatmyparentsrolled
aroundin,butenoughthatmostlylikelypaidhisrent.Hewasobviouslyclosewiththemtoo,andIenvied
that.Growingup,allIwantedwasformyparentstowanttobearoundme,butwiththebenefits,thejet-
setting,andallthedinners,they’dneverbeenhome.Andaftereverythingthathadhappened,thefew
instancestheywerethere,neitherofthemcouldevenlookatme.

“SoyouflyingbacktoTexasforfallbreakorThanksgiving?”heasked.
Isnorted.“Probablynot.”
Hecockedhisheadtotheside.“Gototherplans?”

Ishrugged.
Camdroppedthesubjectanditwasclosetonoonbythetimeheleft.Stoppingatmyfrontdoor,he

turnedtome,flippingthetinyskilletinonehand,banana-nutbreadintheother.“So,Avery….”

Ipoppedmyhipagainstthebackofthecouch.“So,Cam…”
“WhatchayoudoingTuesdaynight?”
“Idon’tknow.”Mybrowslowered.“Why?”
“Howaboutyougooutwithme.”
“Cam,”Isighed.
Heleanedagainstthejam.“That’snotano.”
“No.”
“Well,that’sano.”
“Yes,itis.”Ipushedoffthecouchandgrabbedthedoor.“Thanksfortheeggs.”
Cambackedup,lopsidedgrininplace.“HowaboutWednesdaynight?”
“Goodbye,Cam.”Iclosedthedoor,grinning.Hewascompletelyinsufferable,butlikethenight

before,beingaroundhimdidsomethingsortofmiraculous.Maybeitwastheverbaldueling,butwhatever
itwas,Itendedtoact…normal.LikeIusedto.

Heh.
Aftershowering,IpiddledaroundtheapartmentanddebatedtextingJacoborBrittanytoseewhatthey

wereupto.Eventually,Itossedmycellonthecouchanddraggedmylaptopout.Icouldn’tavoidmy
emailforever.

Inmyjunkfolder,therewereafewsuspiciouslookingemails.Twowithmynameasthesubject.After

receivingthelastemail,Ilearnedmylessonandclickeddeletewithacertainamountofglee.

Theemails,though,itwasstrangetogetthemnow.WhileI’dbeeninhighschool,ithadbeenone

thing.I’dbeensurroundedbythekids,butnow,afterweallleftforcollege?Somethingjustwasn’tright
aboutthat.Likedidtheyseriouslyhavenothingbettertodo?IdoubteditcouldbeBlaine,becauseas
twistedashewas,hestayedfarawayfromme.Andthephonecall?Irefusedtochangemynumber.Back
duringtheworstofit,whenI’dgetthreetofourphonecallsaday,I’dgothroughaseriesoftelephone
changesandtheyalwaysfoundoutwhatitwasanyway.

Shakingmyhead,Iclickedonmyinboxandfoundanotheremailfrommycousin.Seriously?Iwashalf

temptedtonotclickonit,butIopenedthestupidthing.

Avery,
IreallyneedtotalktoyouASAP.Callmewhenever.It’sveryimportant.Callme.
David
Myfingerhoveredonthemousepad.
Delete.

Chapter8

Overthenextcoupleofweeksandassummerfinallylooseneditsgrip,asortofoddroutinestartedto

occur.MondaythroughFriday,Igotupandwenttoclass.Witheachpassingday,Istartedtolookforward
toastronomy.NotsomuchbecauseIneverknewwhatProfessorDragewasgoingtosayorwhathe
wouldwear.Afewdaysago,he’dbeenrockingapairofacidwashjeansandatiedyeshirt.IthinkI
focusedonthatmorethananythingelse.ButcrazypantsProfessoraside,itwasacertainclasspartner
whomadethefiftyminutesprettydamnentertaining.

BetweenCam’ssidecommentsduringDrage’slectureandhissurprisinglyaccurateknowledgeof

solarsystems,runningawayfromastronomyonthefirstdayhadreallyendeduppayingoffinthelong
run.WithCamasmypartnerandseat-mate,therewasnowayIwouldfailtheclass.

IspentlunchthreedaysaweekwithJacobandBrittany,andevenwenttooneofthefootballgames

withthem.Partieswerestillanogo,somethingthatneithercouldreallyunderstand,buttheydidn’t
abandonme.Twiceaweek,theyhungoutatmyplace.Notalotofstudyinggotdone,butIwasn’t
complaining.Ilikeditwhentheycameover.Okay,likewasn’tastrongenoughword.Theyweregreat
andithadbeenwaytoolongsinceIhadfriendslikethemwhodidn’tseemtocarewhenIactedlikea
spaz,whichwasquiteabit.

Atleasttwiceaweek,IturnedCamdown.
Twice.A.Week.
ItwastothepointthatIsortoflookedforwardtohowhewasgoingtoslideitintoconversation.The

boywasrelentless,butitwasmoreofarunningjokebetweenusthananythingelse.Atleastinmy
opinion.

IalsostartedtolookforwardtoSundays.
Eachmorningsincetheveryfirst,Camshowedupatmydooratallkindsofungodlyhourswitheggs

andsomethinghe’dbaked.ThesecondSunday,itwasblueberrymuffins.ThethirdSundayitwaspumpkin
bread—fromabox,he’dadmitted.ThefourandthefifthSunday,itwasstrawberrycakeandthen
brownies.

Browniesinthemorningweretheshit.
Thingwerereally…goodwiththeexceptionofemailandphone.Atleastonceaweek,I’dgetacall

fromanUNKNOWNCALLER.Ideletedthemessagesandtheemailswithoutopeningthem.Therewasat
leastfifteenunreademailsfrommycousin.OneofthesedaysIwasgoingtoreadthem,butIcouldn’t
bringmyselftodothatorcallmyparents.

Theyhadn’tcalledme,soIdidn’tseethepoint.
BythebeginningofOctober,IwashappierthanI’dbeeninsolong.Thescentofautumn,somethingI

missedwhilelivinginTexas,wasintheair,longsleevescouldbewornwithoutlookinglikeafreak,and
crammingformid-termsduringlunchincludedM&MsandSkittles.

“CansomeonepleasetellmewhereCroatiaisonthismap?”Jacobgroaned.“LikeisthereasongI

cancomeupwiththatwillsomehowremindmeofthis?”

“Hungary,Slovenia,Bosnia,”Isaid,pointingattheblankmapofEurope.“AndthenthereisSerbia.”
Jacobglaredatme.“Fuckingoverachievingbitch.”
IpoppedaredSkittleinmymouth.“Sorry.”
“Canyouimagineasongwiththosenames?”Britdippedherfriesinmayo.
“Thatissogross,”Jacobmuttered.
Sheshrugged.“It’syummy.”
“Actually,I’mgoingtonerdoutonyou,soprepare.”IpickedupanM&MandhelditinfrontofJacob.

Hiseyeswidenedlikeapuppyabouttogetatreat.“WiththeexceptionofHungary,allofthecountries
nexttoCroatiaendwithana.Theyallsoundalike.Thinkofitthatway.”

Hiseyesnarrowed.“Thatdidn’thelp.”
Isighed.“Youwantasong?”
“Yes.”Hestoodupatourtable,inthemiddleoftheRam’sDen,andshouted.“Yes!Iwantasong!”
“Wow.”
Heraisedhishandsasseveralstudentsturnedintheirseats.“What?What?”Heturnedbacktome.

“Wasthatalittletoomuch?”

“Yes,”Isaid.“Mostdef.”
Britputherforeheadonhertextbook.“Seriously,”shegroaned.“Ican’tbelievehe’smakingusmap

Europeonourmid-term.IthoughtI’dleftthatshitbehindinhighschool.”

“Givemeasong,nerd,”Jacobdemanded.
“Oh,myGod,you’reridiculous.”Shakingmyhead,Iplacedmyhandsonthetable.“Okay.Hereyou

go.Hungarytotheupperleft,upperleft,Serbiatothelowerleft,lowerleft.Bosniaonthebottom,onthe
bottom.Sloveniatothetop,tothetop.Andwhere’sCroatia?”

“Where?Where?”Jacobsung.
“It’snexttotheAdriaticSea,acrossfromItaly!”
Jacobpoppedupstraight.“Again!Again!”
IwentthroughthesongtwicemorewhileBritgapedatthebothofus.Bythetime,Jacobwhippedout

hispenandstartedscribblingcountriesacrossthemap,myfacewastheshadeofatomato,butIwas
gigglinglikeahyena.

Andhegotthemapright,withtheexceptionofputtingFrancewheretheUnitedKingdomwas

supposedtobebutIthinkhewasjusttestingmeonthatone,becauseseriously.

ItossedanM&Mathismouth.Itbouncedoffhislowerlip.Onthereplay,IgottheM&Minhis

mouth.Heswallowedandshotforward,loweringhisfacenexttomine.“Guesswhat?”

“What?”Ileanedback.
Heblinkedtwotimes.“Herecomesyourboyfriend.”
Lookingovermyshoulder,IspottedCamenteringtheDenwithnotonegirlbutagirloneithersideof

him,gazingupathimlikehewasthelasteligible,hotguyoncampus.IrolledmyeyesatJacob.“He’snot
myboyfriend.”

“Gurl,yougotcompetition.”Jacobfoldedhisarmsonthetable.“That’sSallyandSusan—beta,delta,

boogie-sigma-chi-latte-VPs.”

Brit’sbrowslowered.“That’snotevenclosetoasororityname.”
“Whatever.”
“It’snotacompetition,becauseit’snotlikethatbetweenus.”Slowly,surely,Ilookedovermy

shoulder.Thetriohadstoppedbythecouches.Camwaspayingattentiontowhateverthetwogirlswere
sayingtohim.Oneofthegirls,theblonde,hadherhandonhischestandwasmovingitintinycircles.My
eyesnarrowed.Wasshegivinghimabreastexam?IturnedbacktoJacob.

Heraisedhisbrows.
“Theycanhavehim,”Isaid,throwingthreeSkittlesinmymouth.
“Idon’tgetyoutwo,”Britsaid,closingherbook.Studytimewasover.“Youguysseeeachother

practicallyeveryday,right?”

Inodded.
“HecomesovereverySundayandmakesyoubreakfast,right?”sheadded.
Jacobflippedmeoff.“Ihateyouforthat.”

“Yeah,hedoes,butit’snotlikethat.”ThankGodInevertoldthemabouthimaskingmeoutbecause

I’dneverheartheendofitthen.“Look,we’refriends.That’sall.”

“Areyougay?”Jacobdemanded.
“What?”
“Look,I’mthelastpersontojudgeyoursexualpreference.Imean,comeon.”Hejerkedhisthumbs

backathim.“Soareyougay?”

“No,”Isaid.“I’mnotgay.”
“I’mnoteither,butI’dgogayforyou.”Britsmiled.
“Thanks.”Igiggled.“I’dgogayforyoutoo.”
“Howcute,”Jacobsaid.“Notthepoint.Thatfine,motherfuckingspecimenofamanisallupinyou—

ohmyGod,he’sditchedthera-ra’sandiscomingover.”

MystomachknottedandIprayedtoGod,Shiva,andZeusthatJacobdidn’tsayanythingthatwould

makemewanttokillhimlater.

“Damn,”Jacobsaid,shakinghishead.“Hemakesjeanslookliketheyweremoldedtofithis—hey,

Cameron!How’sitgoing?”

Iclosedmyeyes.
“Hey,Jacob.Brittany.”Camdroppedintotheseatbesidemeandnudgedmyarm.“Avery.”
“Hey,”Imurmured,acutelyawareofJacobandBrittanystaringatus.Iclosedmytextandshoveditin

mybag.“Whatareyouupto?”

“Oh,youknow,mischiefandmayhem,”hereplied.
“ThatsoremindsmeofHarryPotter,”Britsaid,sighing.“Ineedare-read.”
Weallturnedtoher.
Twobrightspotsappearedinhercheeksasshetossedherblondehairback.“What?I’mnotashamed

toadmitthatrandomthingsremindmeofHarryPotter.”

“ThatguyoverthereremindsmeofSnape,”Camsaid,jerkinghischintothetablebehindus.“SoI

understand.”

Theguywiththejet-blackhairdidkindoflooklikeSnape.
“Anyway,whatareyouguysdoing?”Camshiftedandhislegrestedagainstmine.Iswallowed.

“PlayingwithM&MsandSkittles?”

“Yes,thatandwe’restudyingforourHistorymid-termnextweek.WehavetomapoutEurope,”Jacob

explained.

“Ouch.”Camknockedmewithhisleg.
Iknockedhislegback.
“ButAvery,wonderful,Avery…”Jacobglancedatme,hisgrinspreading,andmyeyeswere

narrowing.“She’sbeenhelpingusstudy.”

“Thatshehas,”Britsaid.
Camsentmeasidelongglance,andIscootedawayfromhim.
Poppinghischinonhishand,JacobsmiledatCam.“Beforewestartedstudying,IwastellingAvery

thatsheshouldwearthecolorgreenmoreoften.Itmakeshersexywiththathairofhers.”

Mymouthdroppedopen.HehadsonotevensaidthataboutthestupidcardiganIwaswearing.
“Doyoulikethecolorgreenonher,Cam?”Britasked.
OhmyGod.
Camturnedtome,hisblueeyesasdeepasthewatersoffthecoastofTexas.“Thecolorlooksgreaton

her,butshelooksbeautifuleveryday.”

HeatcreptacrossmycheeksasIletoutalowbreath.

“Beautiful?”Britrepeated.
“Beautiful,”Camrepeated,reclaimingwhatlittledistanceI’dmanagedtoputbetweenus.Henudged

mykneeagain.“Sodidyouguyslearnanythingfromstudying?”

Iletoutthebreath.“Ithinkwegotit.”
“Becauseofyou.”JacobglancedatBrit,andmystomachdropped.“Averycameupwiththissongto

helpmerememberwherethecountrieswere.”

Ohno.
“Singhimyoursong.”BritelbowedmesohardthatIbouncedoffCamandricochetedback.
InterestsparkedinCam’seyes.“Whatsong?”
“Iamnotsingingthatsongagain.”
JacobbeamedupatCam.“It’stheCroatiasong.”
Ishothimadeathglare.
Camlaughed.“TheCroatiasong?What?”
“No,”Isaidagain.“Iamnotsingingagain.Thatissonotmytalent.”
“Whatkindoftalentsdoyouhave?”Camasked,andwhenIlookedathim,Ikindofgothunguponthe

cutlineofhisjaw,ofthewayhishairbrushedhistemples.Whatthehell?Camwasstaringbackatme,
browsraised.“Avery?”

“Dotell,”Jacobcoaxed.
Britnodded.“Talentsarefun.”
“Theycanbe.”Cam’sgazedropped,andIsuckedinasoftbreath.Heleanedoverandtherewasn’t

morethananinchortwoseparatingourmouths.IheardJacob’saudiblegasp.“Tellmewhatyourtalents
are,sweetheart.”

“Sweetheart,”Jacobmurmuredwithasoftsigh.
“Dancing,”Iblurtedout.“Idanced.Iusedtodance.”
CuriosityfilledCam’sface.“Whatkindofdancing?”
“Idon’tknow.”IgrabbedthebagofSkittlesanddumpedtherestofthemintomypalm.“Ballet,jazz,

tap,contemporary—thatkindofstuff.”

“Noshit?”Jacobexclaimed.“IdidtapwhenIwaslikesix,foraboutamonth,andthendecidedI

wantedtobeafiremanorsomethinglikethat.Thatshitwashard.”

Britsmirked.“ItrieddanceanddiscoveredIhadnocoordinationorgracebeyondshakingmyass.

Wereyouanygoodatit?”

Ishrugged,uncomfortable.“Itookclassesforabouttenyears,didsomecompetitionsandalotof

recitals.”

“Thenyouweregood!”Britsaid.“Ibetyoudidallthosecrazyturnsandtricks.”
Iusedtobeabletodoatonofthemandwasatonepointcrazyflexible,butthethingIwasreallygood

at,hadbeentheturns—thefouettetour—arguablythehardestseriesofspinsinballet.

Camhadbeenquietforafewmoments,averyoddthingindeed.“Mysisterdiddancesinceshewas

aroundfive.Stilldoes.Ithinkshe’dcutsomeoneiftheymadeherstop.”

ShovingtherestoftheSkittlesinmymouth,Inodded.“Dancingcanbeaddictiveifyoulikeit.”
“Oraregoodatit,”Britinterjected.
Cambumpedmewithhisshoulder.“Why’dyoustop?”
I’dlovedtodance—lovedeverypartofit.Thetraining,therehearsing,andespeciallytheanticipation

leadinguptothemomentyousteppedoutontothestage.Nothingfeltlikethatmomentwhenyouwaitedin
thewingsforyournametobecalled;thefirstbreathyoutookasyousteppedontocenterstageandstood
underthebrightlights.Thequietmomentwhenyouclosedyoureyeswhileyouwaitedforyourmusicto

begin,knowingthateveryonewasfocusedonyou.

Shruggingmyshoulders,IreachedforwhatwasleftoftheM&Ms.“IguessIgottiredofit,”Isaid

finally.Theliewasabigone.Ididn’tgrowtiredofdancing.Imisseditmorethananything,butIcouldn’t
standforpeopletostare.“Doesyoursisterdocompetitions?”

Henodded.“She’straveledalloverandspentthesummerattheJoffreySchoolofBalletona

scholarship.”

“Holyshit,”Igasped,myeyeswidening.“Shemustbedamngood.”
Camsmiledproudly.“Sheis.”
Envygrewlikeacancer,deepandinvasive.Thatcould’vebeenmedancingatoneofthemostwell-

knowntrainingcentersintheworld.Itshould’vebeenme,butitwasn’tandIneededtojustdealwiththat.

Conversationsortofjustfellapartafterthat,atleastforme.CamchattedwithBritandJacobwhileI

waslostinmyownthoughtsuntilitwastimetogotoclass.Imadeplansforanotherstudysessionand
thensaidmygoodbyes.

Camfollowedmeoutinthebrightsunlightandthesteady,coolbreezethatwarnedthatcolderweather

waswellonitsway.Hedidn’tsayanythingaswewalkedovertoKnuttiHall.Sometimeshedidthat,and
Ineverkneworcouldbegintospeculateonwhathecouldbethinkingduringthosequietmoments.

Itwasinthatmoment,aswecrossedthecongestedstreetandhewavedatagroupstandinginfrontof

theByrdCenter,thatIrealizedhowdifferenthewasthanwhenIsawhimwiththetwogirlsearlier.It
botheredmeanditdidn’tknowwhyIevencared.

“Areyouokay?”heaskedwhenwestoppedbythebenchesinfrontofKnuttiHall.
Isquintedupathim.“Yeah,I’mfine.Areyou?”
Hegavemeatight-lippedsmileandnodded.“Westillonfortomorrownight?”
“Tomorrownight?Oh!Theastronomyassignment.”Aspartofourmid-termgrade,Dragewasmaking

uspartneruptousetheObservationCenter.We’dhavetoturninourimagesthefollowingWednesday.
“Yeah,itworksforme.”

“Good.”Cambackedaway.“Seeyouthen.”
Istartedtoturn,butstoppedassomethingoccurredtome.“Cam?”
“Yeah?”
“WhatwereyoudoingintheDen?Don’tyouhavenormallyhaveclass,likerightnow?”
Hislipscurvedupatthecornerandthatdamndimpleappeared.Whenhesmiledlikedthat,itfeltlike

aballoonhadsuddenlyinflatedinmychest.“Yeah,Inormallyhaveclassrightnow,”hesaid,eyesa
startlingazureinthesun.“ButIwantedtoseeyou.”

WordsleftmeasIwatchedhimpivotaroundandhittheroad,headingintheoppositedirectionofmy

building.Istoodthereforamomentandthenturned.Therewasnostoppingthesmilethatsplitmylips
anditremained.

Chapter9

“Areyousureyouknowhowtousethisthing?”Iasked,staringatthetelescope.
Camshotmealookoverhisshoulder.“What?Youdon’t?”
“Nope.”
“Weren’tyoupayingattentioninclasswhenDragewentoverthisandtheimagingcameras?”
Icrossedmyarms.“YouweredrawingthecastofDuckDynastywhenhewasgoingoverthat.”
Helaughedasheturnedbacktothetelescopeandstartedadjustingtheknobsandbuttonsandother

thingsIcouldn’tremember.“Iwaslistening.”

“Uh-huh.”Iinchedcloser,usinghisbodyasashieldagainstthecoolwindwhippingacrosstheroofof

theByrdCenter.“You’reactuallyaprettygoodartist.”

“Iknow.”
Irolledmyeyes,buthereallywas.Thesketchesweredisturbinglylife-like,rightdowntothebeards.
Hebentover,movingalever.“I’veusedatelescopeatimeortwoinmylife.”
“That’srandom.”
“Okay.IuseditwhenIhadtheclasspreviously,”hecorrected,sendingmeaquickgrinashe

straightened.Tippinghisheadback,hecheckedoutthedarksky.“Man,Idon’tknowifwe’regoingtobe
abletogetanythingbeforethosecloudsrollin.”

Followinghisgaze,Iwinced.Intense,tumultuouscloudswereobscuringmostofthenightsky.There

wasawetfeeltotheair,asmellofrain.“Well,youbetterhurrythen.”

“Bossy,”hemurmured.
Igrinned.
“ComeoverhereandI’llshowyouhowtousethis.”Hesteppedback,andwithasigh,Itookhis

place.“Areyougoingtopayattention?”

“Notreally,”Iadmitted.
“Atleastyou’rehonest.”Camleanedaroundme,puttinghisfingersonthetelescope.Hisarmbrushed

mine,andIdidn’tmind.Hewasreallyblockingthewindnow.“ThisisaPhilipsToUcamProII.”He
pointedatasilverthingthatremindedmeofawebcam.“Ithookstothetelescope.Atthesesettings,you
shouldbeabletogetaclearimageofSaturn.Pressthisanditwillcaptureanimage.”

“Okay.”Ibrushedmyhairback.“Idon’tthinkwe’resupposedtobegettinganimageofSaturn.”
“Huh.”Hepaused.“Hey.”
“Heywhat?”
“Gooutwithme.”
“Shutup.”Grinning,Ileanedforward,pressingmyeyetothetelescope.AndallIsawwaspitchblack.

Astronomyhatedme.“Idon’tseeanything.”

“That’sbecauseIhaven’ttakenthelensoff.”Camlaughed.
Ijerkedmyelbowback.Itconnectedwithhisstomach,whichwasequivalenttohittingawall.

“Asshole.”

Stilllaughing,hereachedforthelens.Camcould’vemoved,becauseIwassointheway,buthe

didn’t.Hisentirefrontpushedagainstmyback,andIstilled,closingmyeyes.

“What?”heasked.
“Itwould’vebeeneasierforyoutojustgotothesideanddothat,”Ipointedout.
“True.”Heloweredhisheadsohislipswerebesidemyear.“Butwhatfunwouldthatbe.”
Ashiverracedacrossmyshouldersinspiteofmyself.“Gohavefunbyyourself.”
“Well,that’sreallynofun,”hesaid.“Tryitagain,”

Takingadeepbreath,Ipressedmyeyeinagainandholycrap,Isawit.Theplanetwasalittleblurry,

butthefaintbrownishhuewasvisible,asweretherings.“Wow.”

“Youseeit?”
Ipulledback.“Yeah,that’sprettycool.I’veneverreallyseenaplanetinreallife.Imean,liketaken

thetimetodoso.It’sprettycool.”

“Ithinkso,too.”Helookedawayashecaughtafewstrandsofmyhair,pullingthemoffofmyface.

“Whatarewesupposedtobelookingat?”

“SagittariusandthentheTeapotasterismanditssteam,whatever—”
Abig,fatcoldraindropsplatteredoffmyforehead.Ijumpedback,smackingoffofCam.“Ohcrap.”
AnotherfatglobofrainhitmynoseandIsqueaked.MyeyesmetCam’s.Hesworeandthengrabbed

myhand.Westartedrunningacrosstheroof,ourshoesslippingonthewetsurface.We’dalmostmadeit
tothedoorwhentheskyrippedopenandchillyrainpoured,soakinguswithinseconds.

HeletoutaloudlaughasIshrieked.“OhmyGod,”Iyelled.“It’ssofreakingcold.”
Stoppingabruptly,heturnedandpulledmeagainsthim.MyeyeswidenedasIwassuddenlyandmost

unexpectedlyflushagainsthishardchest.Myheadjerkedupandourgazeslocked.Rainstreameddown
onus,butinthatsecond,Ididn’tfeelathing.

Hesmiled.
Thatwashisonlywarning.
Wrappinganarmaroundmywaist,hedippedandliftedmeoffmyfeet,layingmeoverhisshoulder.I

shriekedagain,butitwaslostinhislaugh.

“Youwererunningtooslow,”heyelledovertherain.
Igrippedthebackofhishoodie.“Putmedown,yousonofa—”
“Holdon!”Laughing,hetookoffforthedoor,hisarmclampedacrossmyhips,holdingmeinplace.
Acoupleoftimesheslippedinthepuddlesforming,andmyheartdropped.Icouldeasilyseemyskull

crackingwideopen.Eachstepjoltedthroughme,causinglittlegruntstoescapein-betweenmycontinuous
threatstodohimbodilyharm.

Heignoredthemorjustlaughed.
Camskiddedtoastopandthrewopenthedoor.Duckingdown,heenteredthedry,slightlywarmer

landingabovethestairwell.Stilllaughinghisheadoff,hegrippedmyhips.Iwaspreparedtolayintohim
themomentheletgo,butasheloweredmetomyfeet,mybodysliddownhis,inchbyinch.Itmust’ve
beenourwetclothing,becausethefrictionthatoccurredcausedtheairtopunchfrommylungs.

Hishandswerestillonmyhips,thetouchsearingthroughmyjeans.Andhestareddownatme,thehue

ofhiseyesdarkeningintoadeep,intensebluethatwasasconsumingasitwasshattering.Thoseperfectly
formedlipsofhispartedandhiswarmbreath,slightlyminty

Myentirefrontwaspressedagainsthis.Sensationexplodedinvariouspartsofmybody;deepinmy

stomach,mymusclescoiled,thetipsofmybreaststightened,andmythighstingled.Myhandswere
pressedtohischestandIwasn’tsurehowthathappened.Ihadn’trememberedputtingthemthere,butthey
were,andhisheartpoundedundermypalm,asteadythumpthatmatchedmyown.

Onehandslidupmyside,leavingbehindanunfamiliar,headyrushofshivers.Igaspedashisfingers

trailedacrossmycheek,brushingthewetstrandsofhairbackbehindmyear.

“You’resoaked,”hesaid,hisvoicedeeperthannormal.
Mouthdry,Iswallowed.“Soareyou.”
Hishandlingered,fingerssplayedsothathisthumbwasagainstmycheek.Hemadetiny,idlecircles

onmyskin.“Iguesswe’regoingtohavetotrythisanothernight.”

“Yeah,”Iwhispered,fightingtheurgetoclosemyeyesandleanintohistouch.

“Maybeweshould’vecheckedtheweatherfirst,”Camsaid,andIhadtosmileatthat.
Thenheshiftedjustafractionofaninch.Aslightmovementthatsomehowbroughtusevencloser

together,hiptohip.Ashudderrockeditswaydownmyspine.Theawarenessofmybodyandhis,allofit
wasoverwhelming.Iwasrespondingtohiminaninstinctualway,inamannerIwaswholly
unaccustomedto.

Mybodyknewwhattodo,whatitwanted,eventhoughmybrainwasfiringoffsomanywarningsIfelt

likeHomelandSecurityduringaCodeRed.

Ijerkedback,breakingcontact.MybreathwascominginandoutinshortburstsasIkeptbackingup,

hittingthewallbehindme.Soaked,coldclothingandIwastoohot.Burningup.Myvoicesounded
unfamiliarwhenIspoke.“Ithinkwe…weshouldcallitanight.”

Camleanedback,restinghisheadagainsttheoppositewall,legsspreadslightlyapart.Everything

abouthimlookedtensedandstrained.“Yeah,weshould.”

Neitherofusmovedforafullminute,andthenwedid,quietaswemadeourwaybackdownandout

tohistruck.Whateverhadpassedbetweenuslingeredintersesilenceandbythetimewearrivedbackat
ourapartmentbuilding,anxietyhadbuiltinthepitofmystomach,erasingthefewmomentsbackinthe
stairwell,whenI’dbeennothingbutsensationinsteadofthinking.

Musclestense,Iclimbedoutofhistruckandracedundertheawningofourbuilding.Camwasbeside

me,shakingtherainoutofhishair.Ihoveredatthebottomofthestairs,fingerstwistingaroundmykeys.I
neededtosaysomething.Ineededtosomehowmakeallofthisgoaway,becauseIdidn’twantour
friendshiptobestrainedorforitchange.

Itstruckmethenandahorribletwistymotionoccurreditmystomach.
Ididn’twanttoloseCam.
Overthelastmonthandweeks,he’dbecomeanintricatepartofmylife,weavinghimselfintomy

everydaythatifthingsweretochange…

ButIdidn’tknowwhattosay,becauseIdidn’tknowwhathadhappenedbackinthestairwell.My

heartpoundedatasickeningrateashetookonestepandthenstopped,turningtome.

“Gooutwithme,”heasked,runningahandthroughhiswethair,pushingitbackfromhisface.
“No,”Iwhispered.
Andthenthedimpleappearedinhischeek,andIletoutthebreathIwasholding.Hestartedupthe

steps.“There’salwaystomorrow.”

Ifollowedhim.“Tomorrow’snotgoingtochangeanything.”
“We’llsee.”
“There’snothingtosee.You’rewastingyourtime.”
“Whenitconcernsyou,it’sneverawasteofmytime,”hereplied.
Sincehisbackwastome,hedidn’tseemysmile.Irelaxed.Iwarmedup.Thingswerenormalagain

andwithCam,everythingwouldbeokay.

Chapter10

Twenty-fiveemailsfrommycousin,rangingfromtheendofAugust,straightuptillOctober14

th

.

Thatwasabsolutelyridiculous.
I’dwaiteduntilaftermid-termsbeforesubjectingmyselftounnecessarywhatthefuckerythatwassure

tooccurfromopeninganyofthese.Partofmejustwantedtodeletethem.Whatwasthepointinreading
theemails?Sameshitdifferentday.

ButIleanedbackinmydeskchair,exhalingloudlyandobnoxiously.
ItoldmyselfI’dreadthemMonday.Didn’tdoit.ToldmyselfI’dreadthemTuesday.Nope,didn’t

happen.NowitwasWednesday,sixintheGodforsakenmorning,andI’dbeenstaringatmyinboxfor
thirtyminutes.

DavidhadbeenBlaine’sageatthetimeeverythinghadgonedown.He’dbeenthreeyearsolderthan

me—seventeen.He’dbeenfriendswithBlaine,buthadn’tbeenattheparty.Aftereverythinghad
happened—thetruth,thedealbetweentheparents,andthesubsequentliesandnonstopshitstormthathad
becomemylife,Davidknewaboutthesettlement,buthadbelievedwhateveryoneelsehad.

ThatIhadamadcaseofbuyer’sremorse.
ButDavidhadstoppedbeingfriendswithBlaine,becausetomycousin,whetherornotI’dbeentelling

thetruthinthebeginning,ithadn’tmattered.ThewholethinghadjustbeennastytoDavid.Hadn’tmade
himonebitsympathetictomeforthepastfiveyears.

ScrollingdowntothefirstunreademaildatedbackattheendofAugust.Ishookmyheadandclicked

itopen.SameastheoneIhadreadbefore.Ineededtocallhimormyparents.Immediately.Irolledmy
eyes.Couldn’thavebeenthatimportant,becauseyou’dthinkoneofthemwould’vepickedupthephone
andcalledmeifithadbeen.

Thatwasmyfamily,though.Everyoneofthemfeltasiftheyshouldnothavetopickupthephone.

Theyweretoobusyforthat,tooimportant.Evenmycousin,whoapparentlyhadashittonoftimetosend
emails.

Ideletedthatone.
Ontothenextone.
Samestuff,buttherewereacoupleofmoresentences.Somethingtodowithagirlfromhighschool.

MollySimmons.She’dbeenayearyoungerthanmeandofcourseIhadn’tbeenfriendswiththechick.I
couldn’tevenrememberwhatshelookedlike.Davidneededtotalktomeabouther.Washe,like,dating
thechickandgettingmarried?Ifso,Iwassurprisedthathe’devenletmeknow.

That’soneweddingIprobablywouldnotbeattending.
Ideletedthatemailandwasabouttomoveontothenextonewhenmycellchirped.Droppingmyfeet

ontothefloor,Ipickeditup.ItwasatextfromBrittany,wantingtoknowifI’dmeetherforcoffeebefore
myastronomyclass.Isentaquicktextback,sayingyes.

Closingmylaptop,Ijumpedup,decidingthatacoffeedatewithBritwasamilliontimesbetterthan

goingthroughtheslushpileofmyemail.

#

Atlunch,Jacobwasactinglikeacrackedoutjackrabbitbecausewedidn’thaveclassesThursdayor

FridayduetoFallBreak.HeandBritwereexcitedaboutgoinghome.Iwashappyforthem,butalsoa
littledisappointed.Fourdayweekendswerewhatlifewasmadeofforcollegestudents,butforme,it
meantfourdaysofdoingabsolutelynothingbutbouncingoffofwallsandnerdingoutbyreadingaheadin
myclasses.

ButtheirmoodwascontagiousandIfoundmyselflaughingasJacobtriedtoconvinceaguyatanother

tablethatifazombiebitavampirethanitwouldbecomeazombievampirewhiletheotherguywas
convincedthatitwouldbecomeavampirezombie.

BritlookedlikeshewashopingazombiewouldcrashthroughtheDenandbitethemall.“Sowhatare

youdoingforbreak?”sheasked.

“Juststayinghere,”Isaid,andthenaddedmyreadymadeexcuse.“It’sjusttoofartotravelforfour

days.”

“Understandable.”ShepickeduparolledupnapkinandtosseditatJacob’sback,buthewasinway

toodeepwithhiszombie/vampirefetish.“I’mleavingaftermylastclasstoday.”Sherestedherheadon
myshoulder.“I’mgoingtomissyou.”

“Metoo.”
“You’llbebereftwithoutme.”
“Iknow.”
Shesatup,eyesglimmeringwithexcitement.“Youknow,youcouldalwayscomehomewithme.”
“Oh,Brit…”Iwantedtohugthegirlorcry.Theofferseriouslymeantalottome.“Thankyou,but

that’syourtimewithyourfamilyandstuff.”

“Well,thinkaboutit.Ifyouchangeyourmindbetweennowandthree,textmeandI’llzipyouaway.”

Shetookadrinkofhersoda.“What’sCamdoing?Ishegoinghome?”

Goodquestion.BeforeIcouldrespond,Jacobwhippedaroundlikesomeonehadyelledhisname.

“Whataboutmyfantasyhusband?”

Britlaughed.“IwasaskingAveryifhewasgoinghomeforbreak.”
“Ishe?”heasked.
Tuckingmyhairback,Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.”
Jacob’sbrowslowered.“Whatdoyoumeanyoudon’tknow?”
“Um,Ijustdon’tknow.Hehasn’tbroughtitup.”
ThetwoofthemexchangedalookandBritsaid,“I’mkindofsurprisedhehasn’tsaidanythingtoyou

aboutit.”

Confusionrose.“Whyareyousurprised.”
Jacobshotmeaduhlook.“Youguysarelikeattachedatthehip—”
“No,we’renot.”Ifrowned.Werewe?“No.”
“Okay,doIneedtolisthowoftenyouguysaretogether?”Jacobraisedhisbrows.“Ithinkitwouldbe

safetoassumethatyouknewabouthisplansandthesizeofhiscockbynow.”

“OhmyGod.”Idroppedmyfaceintomyhands.
Britgiggled.“You’remakingAveryblush.”
Hewas.
Jacobsnickered.“Ithinkyou’rehavingaclosetrelationshipwithhim.”
“What?”Liftingmyhead,Istaredathim.“Iamnothavingaclosetrelationshipwithhim.Trustme,

he’saskedme—”Icutmyselfoff.“We’renot.”

“Whoa.Whoa.Whoa.”Jacobpracticallyfellover.“He’saskedyouwhat?”
“Nothing.”Isatback,crossingmyarms.“Hehasn’taskedmeanything.”
JacoblookedatBrit.“Isitjustmeorisshejustnotthatsmoothtopulloffalie?”
“Notthatsmooth,”Britcommented,twistingtowardme.“Whathasheaskedyou?”
“Nothing!”
“Bullpoop!”Shepunchedmeinthearm.“You’relying!”
“Ouch!I—”
Jacobshookhishead,lookinglikehewassecondsfromfallingonthefloor.“Weareyourfriends.Itis

thelawoffriendshipthatyoutellusthingsyoudon’twanttotellus.”

Mymouthdroppedopen.“What?Thatmakesnosense.”
“Itisthelaw.”Brittanynoddedsolemnly.
“Whathasheaskedyou?”Jacobpersisted.“Didheasktoeatmoreofhiscookies?Didheaskyouto

behisbabymama?Howaboutmarryhim?Ortojustwarmhisbedeverymorning,afternoon,and
evening?Didhe—?”

“OhmyGod!”Therewasnowayoutofthis.IknewJacob.He’djustkeepgoinguntilthewholeDen

thoughtIwasgettingmarriedandhavingbaby.“Okay.I’lltellyouifyoupromisenottofreakoutand
scream.”

Jacobmadeaface.“Ah,Idon’tknow.”
“Hepromises!”Britshothimaglare.“OrIwillphysicallymaimhim.”
Henodded.“Ipromise.”
Iexhaledharshly.“Okay.It’snotabigdeal.Let’sgetthatestablishedfirst.Everyoneunderstand?

Good.Alright,soCamhaskindofbeenaskingmeout—”

“What?”Jacobscreeched,andseveralheadsturned.
Myshouldersslumped.“Youpromised.”
“Sorry.”Hecrossedhisheart.“Ijust…wow.Gotexcited.”
“Icantell,”Isaidwryly.
Brit’shandswereclaspedinfrontofherchest.“He’sbeenaskingyouout,likeinthepluralsense?”
Inodded.“Yeah,butI’vesaidnoeachandeverytime.”
“You’vesaidno?”heshouted,andIshotupandsmackedhisarm.Hegavemeabrightsmile.“Sorry.

Sorry.Don’thit.Bitchesbescarywhentheyhit.”

Sittingbackdown,Ieyedhim.“Yes.I’vesaidno.”
“Why?”hedemanded.
“Andhekeepsasking?”askedBritatthesametime.
“Yes,hekeepsasking,butit’slikea…runningjokebetweenus.He’snotserious.”
BrittuggedatherhairlikeIwasstressingheroutorsomething.“Howdoyouknowhe’snotbeing

serious?”

“Comeon.”Iraisedmyhands.“He’snotserious.”
“Why?”Jacobwasstunnedapparently.“You’reasmartandfunnygirl.Youdon’tliketoparty,but

you’rehot,andthatkindofmakesupforthat.”

“Gee,thanks.”
“WhatI’mtryingtosayishowdoyouknowhehasn’tbeenserious?”
Ishookmyhead.“He’snot.”
“Getbacktotheimportantquestion,”Britsaid.“Whywouldyoutellhimno?”
“WhywouldIsayyes?”Couldaholeopenupandswallowme?Please?“Webarelyknoweach

other.”

“Oh,whatthefuck?Youguysarelikesoultwinsrightnow.Andwhatdoyouthinkthepurposeof

goingoutonadatewithsomeoneisallabout?”Jacobrolledhiseyes.“It’saboutgettingtoknow
someone.Andyoudoknowhim,sothat’salameexcuse.”

Itwasalameexcuse,butitwasthebestIhad.“Howdoyoureallyevertrulyknowsomeone?”
Britsmackedherhandstohercheeksandsheshookhishead.“He’snotaserialkiller.”
“Speakingofserialkillers,everyonethoughtTedBundywasareallycharming,handsomeman.And

lookhowheturnedout.Psycho.”

Jacobstaredatme,jawslightlyunhinged.“He’snotTedBundy.”

“Idon’tunderstand,”Britwhispered.“It’slikesomeonesayingthatEarthisflat.Camislikeoneofthe

mosteligiblebachelorsonthiscampus,probablyinthiscountyandstate.”

Isaidnothing.
“I’mprettysureI’vebeenstunnedspeechless.”Britshookherheadslowly.“I’mabsolutely

speechless.Someonecapturethiswithapicture.”

“Ha.”Jacob’sgrinmademyanxietyrise.“HerecomesCam.Whatacoinkidink.”
IfaceplantedthetableandgroanedasBritstartedgiggling.Underthetable,Jacobkickedmylegand

twosecondslater,IfeltCambeforeheevenspokeaword.Ialsocaughthisfreshscent.Wasitweirdthat
Iknewhimbyhissmell?Thatdidsoundweird.Itwasweird.

“Uh,whatareyoudoing,Avery?”
Inmyhead,IstrungtogetherasmanyfuckbombsasIcouldcomeupwith,becauseIknew—oh,Iknew

—thatJacobwouldnotkeepquiet.“Napping.”

“Napping?”
“Yeah.”
Camtuggedonthebackofmycardigan.“WhydoIthinkthat’snotwhatyou’redoing?”
Igaveanawkwardshrug.
Hesatbesideme,hishandonmylowerback,andmyclothesmust’vegottenthinner,becauseIcould

reallyfeelhishand.“Areyousick?”

“Aw,he’ssoconcerned!”Jacobexclaimed.“Avery,you’resuchabitch.”
CamstiffenedandhistonewaslowandsomethingIneverheardfromhimbefore.“Excuseme?”
Iliftedmyhead,eyesnarrowedatJacob.“I’mnotsick.”
“Okay.”Camglancedaround,andBritbrokeoutintoafitofgiggles.“What’sgoingon?”
Beforetheyanswered,Ijumpedin.“Aren’tyousupposedtobeinclass?”
Hefrowned.“Classwasletoutearly.Don’tchangethesubject.”
Iopenedmymouth,butfreakingJacobsweptin.“Averyhasjustinformedusthatyou’vebeenasking

heroutandshe’sbeensayingno,andwe’vebeenexplainingtoherthatshe’sinsane.”

“Wellthen.”Thehardlookslippedoffhisface,andIwantedtoslideunderthetable.“Ilikethis

conversation.”

Ugh.
“Soit’strue?”Jacobasked,ploppinghiselbowsonthetable.“You’vebeenaskingherout?”
Camcastmeasidewayglance.“Ihavebeen,almosteverydaysincetheendofAugust.”
Ontheothersideofme,Britsquealedlikeshewasaplushtoythatwassqueezed.“SinceAugust?”
Henodded.
Britturnedwideeyesonme.“Andyouhaven’tsaidaword?”
“I’msortofoffended,”Camcommented.
Ielbowedhimintheside.“No,you’renot.Andit’snotlikeit’severyone’sbusiness.”
“Butwe’reyourfriends,”JacobsoundedsopitifulthatIstartedtofeelbad.HeturnedtoCam.“We

totallysupporthergoingoutwithyou.”

Okay.Ididn’tfeelbadforhim.
“Ilikeyourfriends,Avery.”Camgrinnedatmyarchedlook.
“Oh,wethinksheshould,”Jacobsaid.“Likesheshoulddoitrightnow.
“Wealsotoldheryouweren’taserialkiller,”Britinterjected.
Camnodded.“That’saglowingrecommendation.Hey,atleasthe’snotaserialkiller.I’mgoingtoput

thatonmyFacebookprofile.”

Ismirked.

Jacobwaspositivelyglowing.“AndshecomparedyoutoTedBundy.”
“Ihateyou,”Imuttered,pushingmyhairbackfrommyface.“Ididn’tcompareyoutoTedBundy.Ijust

saidthatyouneverreallyknowaperson.EveryonethoughtTedBundywasaprettycoolguy.”

Camstaredatme,amusementtwinklinginhiseyes.“Wow.Thisjustkeepsgettingbetter.”
“Sorry?”Isaid,fightingagrin.
Hesighed,turningbacktomyfriends.“Shekeepsturningmedown.Breaksmylittleheart.”
Isighed.“He’snotbeingserious.”
“Helooksserious,”Britsaid,alldoe-eyedasshestaredatCam.He’dropedherin,dammit.
Cammadethemostpitifulsoundknowntoman,andIrolledmyeyes.“AndnowshethinksI’mthenext

TedBundy.”

“Idon’tthinkyou’rethenextTedBundy.”
“Besides,shehasthewronghaircolorforTedBundy,”Britsaid.Wealllookedather.“What?Ted

Bundylikedgirlswithbrownhairparteddownthemiddle.Avery’shairisprettyred.”

“AmItheonlypersonwhofindsitdisturbingthatyouknowthat?”Jacobasked.
Brit’slipspursed.“I’mapsychmajor.Iknowthesekindsofthings.”
“Uh-huh,”Imurmured.
“Anyway,thisisnotaboutmeandmyvastknowledgeofserialkillers.Icanwowyoulateraboutthat.

Thisisaboutyou,Avery.”ShegrinnedasIglaredather.“Thisfineyounggentleman,whoisnotaserial
killer,isaskingyouout.You’resingle.You’reyoung.Youshouldsayyes.”

“OhmyGod.”Iscrubbedmyhandsovermyhotface.“Isittimeforallofyoutogohome,yet?”
Cam’sdeepchucklecrawledundermyskin.“Gooutwithme,Avery.”
Stunned,Iturnedtohim.Icouldn’tbelievehe’dactuallyaskmeoutinfrontofthemafterallofthis.

“No.”

“See?”Camgrinnedatmyfriends.“Keepsturningmedown.”
Jacobshookhishead.“You’reanidiot,Avery.”
“Whatever,”Igrumbled,grabbingmybag.“I’mgoingtoclass.”
“Weloveyou,”Jacobsaid,smiling.
“Uh-huh.”
Britgiggled.“Wedo.Wejustquestionyourdecisions.”
Shakingmyhead,Istood.“Becarefulwhenyouguysdrivehome.”
“We’realwayscareful,”shesaid,jumpingupandgivingmeaquickhug.“RememberwhatIsaidabout

cominghomewithme.Ifyouchangeyourmind,textmebeforethree.”

“Okay.”IhuggedherbackandgavealittlewaveatJacob.Ofcourse,Camwasalreadyonhisfeet,

waitingforme.Iarchedmybrowathim.“Followingme?”

“Likeatrueserialkiller,”hereplied.
IcringedaswecrossedtheDenandheadedoutside.“Youknowweweren’tbeingserious,right?And

I’msorryaboutsayingsomethingtothemaboutit.Theyjuststartedpesteringmeaboutyouandthenext
thingIknow—”

“It’sokay,”hecutmeoff,droppinghisarmovermyshouldersaswestoppedbytheclusteroftrees

betweenthetwobuildings.“Idon’tcare.”

Lookingupathim,Isquinted.“Youdon’tcare?”
Heshookhishead,andIwassortoffloored.Whatpersonwouldwantanyonetoknowthatthey’d

beenaskingsomeoneoutandthatpersonhadbeenrepeatedlyturningthemdown?Iwouldn’twantthat
known.AndwhywasCamstillaskingmeout?Itwasn’tlikeIwastheonlyoptionforhim.Withthe
unrulydarkwaves,theluminoustrueblueeyes,thefaceandbodytocovet,Camwashandsdown

gorgeous.Idoubtedtherewasasinglegirloncampuswhodidn’tthinkthat.Buthewasmorethana
swoon-worthyhotguy.Camwascharming,nice,sweet,andfunny.Hewasthekindofguyyouwantedto
bringhomeandshowoff—thekindofguythatwasneversinglefortoolongandtheoneyoufellhead
overinhellsinlovewith.

Camhadalotofoptions,sowhynotexplorethem?Maybehewas.ContrarytowhatJacobandBrit

thought,Iwasn’taroundhimtwenty-four-seven.HehungoutwiththechicknamedStephalotandI
alwayssawhimwithothergirlsaroundcampus.Theaskingmeoutbithadtobesomethinghedidn’ttake
seriously.

Itcouldn’tbe,notafteralmosttwomonthsofit.
Anuncomfortableknotformedinmystomach.Whatifhewasdatingothergirls?Hookingupwith

them?Imean,totallyhisright,andIdidn’tcare.Totallydidn’tcare.

“Uh-oh,”hesaid.
“What?”
Hedroppedhisarm,butcaughtastrandofmyhairthatwasblowingacrossmyfaceandtuckeditback.

“You’rethinking.”

Itriedtoignorehowmycheektingledwhenhisfingersgrazedit.MaybeIwascomingdownwitha

nervedisorder.“Iam.”

“About?”heasked.
“Nothingimportant.”IsmiledasIpushedawaythoughtsofhimwithothergirlsaway.Sowasnot

goingthere.“Yougoinghomethisweekend?”

“Iam.”Hesteppedcloser,blockingtheglareofthesun.Ashespoke,hereachedoutandgatheredup

myhair,separatingthemintotwolongpigtailsoneithersideofmyface.“I’mleavingtomorrowmorning,
brightandearly.I’mnotcomingbackuntilSundaynight.Sonoeggsforyouthisweek.”

“Boo.”Isquelchedtheveryreal,risingdisappointment.EggsonSundayhadbecomeaweekend

staple.

“Don’tcrytoomuchaboutit.”Aslightgrinappearedashetickledmyfacewiththeedgesofmyhair.

“AreyougoingtotakeBrituponherofferandgohomewithher?”

Ishookmyhead.“I’mjustgoingtohangouthereandgetsomereadingdone.”
“Nerd.”
“Jerk.”
Thegrinspreadashedroppedmyhairacrossmyshoulders.“Youknowwhat?”
“What?”
Camsteppedback,shovinghishandsintothepocketsofhisjeans.“Youshouldgooutwithmetonight

sinceI’llbegoneallweekend.”

Ilaughed.“I’mnotgoingoutwithyou.”
“Thenhangoutwithme.”
Mysmilestartedtoslip.“How’sthatanydifferentfromgoingoutwithyou?”
“HowismeaskingyoutohangoutwithmetonightanydifferentthenushangingoutonSunday?”
Ah,hehadagoodpoint.MyheartratekickedupasIwatchedhim.“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
Heshrugged.“Ordersomefoodinandwatchamovie.”
Ishiftedfromsidetoside,suddenlyverywary.“Thatsoundslikeadate.”
“That’snotadatewithme,sweetheart.”Helaughed.“I’dtakeyouout,likeoutinpublic.Thisisjust

twofriendshangingout,watchingamovieandeatingfood.”

Pressingmylipstogether,Ilookedaway.SomehowIknewthatwasn’twhatthiswasabout,butthen

again,whatthehelldidIknowaboutguysandhavingguyfriends?Ididn’tthinktwicewhenBritorJacob

cameover.WhyshouldItreatCamanydifferent?

Becausehewasverydifferenttome.
Noneofthatmattered,becauseIdidwanttohangoutwithhim.Camwasfun.SoIsighedandsaid,

“Yeah,sure.Comeover.”

Camarchedabrow.“Wow.Calmdownbeforeyougettooexcited.”
“Iamexcited.”Ishovedhimintheshoulder.“Whenareyoucomingover?”
“How’sseven?”
Inthepitofmystomach,anestofbutterflieswerebornandbegandrinkingenergydrinks.“Worksfor

me.Seeyouthen.”

Imadeitontothesidewalkwhenhestoppedme.
“Avery?”
Iturned.“Yeah?”
Hislipsformedacrookedsmile.“Seeyoutonight.”
Mystomachflopped.Thiswasgoingtobealongafternoon.

Chapter11

Thenestofbutterflieshadmovedonfromenergydrinkstosmokingcrack.Ialternatedfromfeeling

likeIwasgoingtohurltowantingtorunaroundmyapartmentlikealunatic.

Iwastotallyoverreacting.
AccordingtoCam,thiswasn’tadate.Justtwofriendshangingout.Notabigdeal,nothingtoget

overworkedabout.Itwasn’tlikeitwasthefirsttimewe’vehungout.Itwasjustthefirsttimeheasked
beforecomingover.

Itookashower—secondoftheday.
Cleaneduptheapartmentandthenchangedmyoutfitthreetimes,whichwasreallystupid,becauseI

endedupsettlingonapairofyogapantsandalongsleeveshirt.ThenIspentanungodlyamountoftime
coaxingmyhairintomanageablewavesthatfelldowntothemiddleofmyback.Iputsomemakeupon,
scrubbeditoffentirely,andthenreapplied.

Bythetimetherewasaknockonmydoor,Iwantedtoslammyheadthroughawall.
Camlookedlikehealwaysdidashesteppedintomyapartment—absolutely,disgustinglydivine.

Dressedinwornjeansandashirtwithsomelong-forgottenbandnameonit,hehadthebaseballcapon,
pulledlow.InonehandwasastackofDVDsandintheotherwasabagthatsmelledlikeChinese.

Mystomachgrumbled.“Oh!Whatyougotinthere?”
“Thestuffdreamsaremadeof.”
Makinggrabbyfingers,Igrinned.“Shrimpstirfry?”
“Yep.”HehandedthebagoffandIrushedintothekitchenlikeastarvingkid.“Ibroughtacoupleof

moviesover.Hadnoideawhatyou’reinthemoodtowatch.”

Pullingoutdishesfromthecabinet,Iglancedovermyshoulder.Camtookhiscapoffandranahand

throughhishair.Thedarkwaveswereanadorablemess.Hecaughtmelookingandhislipstippedupon
theside.Ilookedaway,flushing.“So,um,whatdidyoubring?”

“Let’ssee….We’vegotagoodselectionhere.Inthehorrormoviegenre,I’vegotthelasttwo

ResidentEvilmovies.”

“Twomovies?”Iplacedtheplatesonthecounter.
Hechuckled.“You’renotgettingridofmeeasily.”
“Damnit.Whatelsedoyouhave?”
“Inthecomedydepartment,IhavethelatestVinceVaughnandWillFerrellmovies.Foraction,Ihavea

JamesBondflickandanotherwhereabunchofshitblowsup.AndIhaveTheNotebook.”

Iwhippedaround,almostdroppingthesilverware.“TheNotebook?YouownTheNotebook?”
Camstaredatmeblankly.“What’swrongwiththat?”
“Oh,nothingiswrongwiththat.Itsjustsucha…uh,chickflick.”
“I’mconfidentenoughinmymasculinityandsexualitythatIcansaythatRyanGoslingisjustdreamyin

thismovie.”

Myjawhitthefloor.
Theblankexpressionslippedawayandhestartedlaughing.“I’mjoking.Idon’townTheNotebook.

Neverwatchedit.Didn’tbringanyromancemovies.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Youdouche.”
Camlaughedagain.
“I’veneverwatchedTheNotebookeither.Notbigonromanceflicks,”Iadmitted,openingthehuge

cartons.

“Really?Ithoughteverygirlhasseenthatmovieandcanquoteitatadropofahat.”

“Nope.”
“Interesting.”
“Notreally.”Igrabbedaspoon.“Howmuchdoyouwant?”
“GetwhatyouwantandI’llmakedowithwhateverisleftover.”Hewalkedupbehindme,andI

stiffened.Tinyhairsroseonthebackofmyneck.IshiftedsoIwasstandingsideways.Hetiltedhishead
totheside.“Youaresojumpy.”

“Ididnotjump.”
“It’safigureofspeech.”
Isloppedaheapingoffriedriceandshrimponmyplate.“It’sastupidfigureofspeech.”
Camlookedlikehewishedtosaysomethingelsebutchangedhismind.“Whatmoviedoyouwantto

watch?”

“Let’sgowithResidentEvil.”
“Agirlaftermyownheart.”HepickeduptwoDVDsandheadedintothelivingroom.Mygaze

followedhim.“Zombiesforthewin.”

Sighing,Ishookmyhead.Idumpedmostofthestirfryonhisplateandthencarriedthemouttoliving

room,puttingthemonthecoffeetable.CamwasoverbytheTV,messingwiththeDVDplayer.Iturned
thelampon,givinghimlightintheshadowyroom.“Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”

“Doyouhavemilk?”
“YouwantthatwithChinesefood?”
Henodded.“Needmycalcium.”
Mystomachturned,butIgothimaglassofmilkandmeacanofPepsi.“That’skindofgross,you

know?”Isatonthecouchandtuckedmylegsunderme.“Weirdcombination.”

Hesatbesidemewiththeremoteinhand.“Haveyouevertriedit?”
“No.”
“Thenhowdoyouknowit’sgross?”
Ishruggedandpickedupmyplate.“I’llgowithmyassumptionthatitis.”
Hecastmeasidelongglass.“Beforetheendoftheyear,IwillhaveyoutryingmilkandChinese.”
Notbotheringtorespondtothat,Isatbackanddugintomyfood.Camgotthemoviestartedandsettled

onthecouch,histhighpressedtomyknee.Wewereabouttenminutesinwhenhesaid,“Question?”

“Answer.”
“So,it’sthezombieapocalypse,right?Zombiesarecomingoutoftheass,runningamuckthrough

buildingsandstreets.You’vealreadyalmostdiedthreetimesbythispointandhavebeenmutatedbytheT
virustwice,whichappearstobepainful.Wouldyoutaketimeinyourobviouslyhecticdailyroutinetodo
yourhairandputmakeupon?”

Alaughburstfrommeathisabsurdquestion.“No,notatall.I’mnotevensureI’dtakethetimeto

brushmyhair.Andanotherthing.Haveyounoticedhoweveryonehasablindingwhitesmile?Society
collapsedlikesixyearsago.Nooneisgoingtothedentist.Yellowtheirteeth.”

Camfinishedoffhisstirfry.“Orhowtheonechick’shairchangescolorfromonemovietothenext.”
“Yes,becauseinazombieapocalypse,there’salotofdowntimetogetyouhairdone.”
Hechuckled.“Stilllovethesemovies.”
“Metoo,”Iadmitted.“It’sprettymuchthesamestuffeverymovie,butIdon’tknow.There’ssomething

addictiveaboutwatchingAlicekickzombieass.AndIhopethatwhenthereisazombieoutbreak,Ilook
halfasgoodasshedoesspinkickingzombiesintheface.”

Laughing,hegatheredupthenowemptyplatesandtookthemintothekitchen.Hereturnedwithafresh

cupofmilkandanothercanofsodaforme.

“Thankyou,”Isaid.
Hesatbackdownandthecouchdippedalittle,movingmecloser.“Ilivetoserviceyou.”
Igrinned.
Throughmostofthefirstmovie,wecontinuedtopickapartallthewhat-the-fuckmoments,laughingat

ouroverly,criticalstupidcomments.RightwhenAlicewasabouttobreakoutsomebad-asseryonRain,
myphonerang.ThinkingitwasBrittanyorJacobalreadyboredbackhome,Ileanedforward.Unease
raceddownmyspineasIsawUNKNOWNCALLERonthescreen.Iquicklysentthecalltovoicemail.

“Notgoingtoanswer?”Camasked,browsraised.
IshookmyheadasIcovertlyturnedmyphoneoffandthenplaceditbackonthecoffeetable,screen

down.“Ithinkit’srudetoanswerthephonewhenyouhavecompany.”

“Idon’tmind.”
Sittingback,InibbledonmythumbnailasIfocusedontheTV.Iwasn’treallyseeingwhatwasgoing

on,onlyrealizingthefilmhadendedwhenCamgotuptoputthenewestonein.Itoldmyselfnottothink
aboutthephonecallorthemessageIknewwaswaiting.Afterthefirstphonecall,I’ddeletedallthe
messageswithoutlisteningtothem.OncemoreIconsideredgoingtothephonestoreandchangingmy
number,buttome,itseemedlikeIwaslettingtheassholewin.Istillhadnoideawhoitcouldbe.
Couldn’tbeBlaine,butwhatdidIknow?Whoeveritwas,ItreatedthemlikeanInternettroll.Donot
engage.

Cam’sfingersweresuddenlywrappedaroundmywrist,causingmyheadtosnapup.Hewaswatching

meinsteadofthemovie.“What?”Iasked,mygazedroppingtohishand.Itcompletelycircledmywrist.

“You’vebeenbitingyournailforthelasttenminutes.”
Thatlong?Well,thatwaskindofgross.
Heloweredmyarmtothetopofmythighbutdidn’tletgo.“What’sup?”
“Nothing,”Ireplied.“I’mwatchingthemovie.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’rereallyseeingthemovie.”Oureyeslocked,andmyheartskippedabeat.“What’s

goingon?”

Ituggedmyarmbackandheletgo.“Nothingisgoingon.Watchthemovie.”
“Uh-huh,”hemurmured,buthedroppedthesubject.
Thecommentswerefewerthistimearoundandmyeyelidsstartedtofall.EachtimeIblinked,it

seemedtotakelongertoreopenthem.Camshiftedbesideme,andIsunkfurtherintothecouch,closerto
him.Mysiderestedagainsthis,andIthoughtIshouldscootaway,buthewaswarm,Iwascomfortable,
andfeelingwaytoolazytoputtheeffortintoit.Besides,hedidn’tseemtomind.Ifso,wouldn’thehave
movedawayorpushedmeoff?

Imust’vedriftedoffduringthesecondmovie,becausewhenIopenedmyeyes,itseemedliketheTV

hadchangedpositions.IwasslowtorealizethatIhadand—oh,sweetbabyJesus—howdidIendup
here?

Curleduponmyside,therewasablanketfromthebackofthecouchspreadacrossme,andmyhead

wasinCam’slap.

Onhisthightobeexact.
Mybreathcaughtinmythroatasmyheartstutteredandmyeyeswidened.Therewasaslightweighton

myhip,thefeelandtheshapeofahand—Cam’shand.Washeasleep?OhgoodGod,Ihadnoideahow
thishappened.HadIdonethisinmysleepandnowpoorCamwasstuckherebecauseIwassleepingon
him?

Okay.Ihadtwooptionsatthispoint.Icouldrolloffthecouchandmakeamaddashformybedroom

orIcouldactuallyactlikeanadultandseeifhewasawake.

Surprisingly,Isidedwiththewholeactinglikeanadultpartandslowlyrolledontomyback.Andthat

wasahorrificallybadmove,becausethehandonmyhipmovedwhenIdidandwasnowrestingagainst
mylowerstomach.

OhsweetLord…
Hishandrestedbelowmybellybutton,spanningsouthwardandhisfingersreachedthewaistbandon

myyogapants.Itwasclose,reallyclosetosomewhatunchartedterritories.Aballoficeformedinmy
chest,butlower,muchlower,somethingelseentirelywashappening.Sharptinglesshotfrommybelly
andspreadbelowinawarmwaveofshivers.Howwasitpossibletofeelsocoldandhotatthesame
time?

Histhumbmoved,andIbitdownonmylip.Ithadtobeanaccidentorsomeidlemovementinhis

sleep.Thenhisthumbmovedagain,butthistimeinaslow,lazycircleundermybellybutton.Ohshit.My
pulsekickedupandthatwarmthincreased.Histhumbkeptmoving,atleastforahalfaminute,untilI
couldn’ttakeitanylonger.Partsofmybodywereachinginawaythatwasentirelyunfairandunfamiliar,
andthatshouldn’tbehappening.

Butohitwas.
Idrewinadeepbreath,butitdidnothingtorelaxmymusclesortoeasethetensionbuildingdeep

insideme.AndIknewifIlookeddown,mynippleswouldbestrainingagainstthethinshirtIwore.With
eachbreathItook,Icouldfeelthemrubbingagainstmybra.Idesperatelywantedtobethatgirlthatknew
howtohandlethis;thekindofgirlthatIknewCamprobablyreallywantedandwasusedto.

ButIwasn’ther.
ItippedmyheadbackandlookedupatCam.
Hisheadwasturnedtotheside,awayfrommine,andbackagainstthecushion.Afaintshadow

appearedonthestronglineofhisjaw.Therewasaslightsmileonhisface.Sonofabitch.

“Cam.”
Oneeyeopened.“Avery?”
“You’renotasleep.”
“Youwere.”Heliftedhishead,turninghisheadsidetoside,workingoutakink.“AndIwasasleep.”
Andhishandwasstillonmylowerstomach,incrediblyheavy.Partofmewantedtotellhimtogethis

pawsoffme,butthat’snotwhatcameoutofmymouth.“I’msorryIfellasleeponyou.”

“I’mnot.”
Wettingmylipsnervously,IhadnoideawhattosaytothatsoIwentwitha,“Whattimeisit?”
Hisgazehaddroppedtomymouthandmyentirebodytensedinawaythatwasn’tunpleasantatall.

“Aftermidnight,”heresponded.

Myheartwaspounding.“Youdidn’tevenlookattheclock.”
“Ijustknowthesekindsofthings.”
“Really?”
Hiseyeswerehooded.“Yes.”
“That’saremarkabletalent.”Myhandcurledintoafistbesidemythigh.“Whattimeareyouleavingin

themorning?”

“Areyougoingtomissme?”
Iscrewedupmyface.“That’snotwhyIwasasking.Iwasjustcurious.”
“ItoldmyparentsI’dbehomebylunch.”Withhisotherhand,hescoopedafewstrandsoffmyface

andthathandlingeredto,inmyhair.“SoIprobablyhavetoleavebetweeneightandnine.”

“That’searly.”
“Itis.”Hishandsmoothedovermyhead,andmyeyesdriftedshutagain,relaxinginspiteofmyself.

“Butthedriveiseasy.”

“Andyou’renotcomingbackuntilSundaynight?”
“Correct,”hemurmured,andIfelthischestmovewithadeepbreath.“Areyousureyou’renotgoing

tomissme?”

Mylipscrackedasmallgrin.“It’llbelikeavacationforme.”
Hechuckled.“Thatwasentirelymean.”
“Wasn’tit?”
“ButIknowyou’relying.”
“Youdo?”
“Yep.”Hishandmoved,andIfeltthetipsofhisfingersgrazemycheek.Myeyesflewopen.Hewas

smilingdownatme.Notabigsmilethatshowedofhisdimple,though.“You’regoingtomissme,but
you’renotgoingtoadmitit.”

Ididn’tsayanything,becauseIwastryingnottothinkaboutthenextfourdays.Andthenhisfingers

moved,trailingthecurveofmycheekbone,andIwasn’treallythinkingaboutanything.Theydriftedtomy
jawandonefingercarvedapathtomychin.Airleakedslowlyoutofmylungsashefingerhoverednear
mybottomlip.

Hetiltedhisheadtotheside.“I’llmissyou.”
Mylipsparted.“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Iclosedmyeyesagainstthesuddenburnoftears.Ihadnoideawhythosethreewordsaffectedmeso,

buttheydidandforateeny,tinymoment,IadmittedtomyselfthatIdidn’twanthimtoleave.Thatmade
theburnworse.

SeveralminutespassedandtheonlysoundwasthelowhumoftheTV.Hetracedtheoutlineofmy

lowerlip,neverquitetouchingitbutcomingclosewitheachpass.Iwonderedifhewouldevertouchmy
lipandifIwantedhimto.

IthinkIsortofdid.
“Youtalkinyoursleep,”hesaid.
Myeyespoppedopen.Screwthetouchingofthelip.“Ido?”
Henodded.
OhGod.Mystomachdropped.“Areyoumessingwithme?BecauseIsweartoGod,ifyou’remessing

withme,I’mgoingtohurtyou.”

“I’mnotmessingwithyou,sweetheart.”
Isatup,andbothofhishandsdroppedaway.Itwistedonthecouch,facinghim.Mypulsewas

poundingforawholedifferentreason.“WhatdidIsay?”

“Nothingreally.”
“Forreal?”
Leaningforward,hescrubbedhishandsdownhisface.“Youwerejustmurmuringstuff.Icouldn’t

reallymakeoutwhatyouweresaying.”Heliftedhishead.“Itwaskindofcute.”

Myheartstartedtoslowdownasthefearlooseneditsgriponmychest.GodonlyknowswhatI

could’vebeensayingwhenIslept.Glancingattheclock,Isawitwaspastthreeinthemorning.“Holy
crap,yousuckatyourspecialabilityattellingthetime.”

Camshruggedasheslidforward.“IguessIshouldbegoinghome.”
Iopenedmymouthandthenclosedit.WhatwasIabouttodo?Askhimtostay?Likehaveaslumber

partyonmycouch?Realsmooth.IdoubtedhewasinterestedinPG-13couchparties.“Becarefulwhen
youdrive,”Ifinallysaid.

Hestood,andIstaredatthespothe’doccupied.“Iwill.”Andthenheswoopeddown,movingfaster

thanIcouldfigureoutwhathewasupto.Heplacedhislipstomyforehead.“Goodnight,Avery.”

Iclosedmyeyesandmyhandsballedintofists.“Goodnight,Cam.”HemadeittothedoorbeforeI

sprungup,clutchingthebackofthecouch.“Cam?”

Hestopped.“Yeah?”
Takingadeepbreath,Iforcedthewordsout.“Ihadareallygoodtimetonight.”
Camstaredatmeamomentandthenhesmiled.Thedimpleappearedinhisleftcheek,andmyown

lipsrespondedinkind.“Iknow.”

Chapter12

Tossingmyhistorytextontotheedgeofmybed,Ifloppedontomybackandsmackedmyhandsover

myeyes.ItwasonlyThursdayafternoonandIalreadyfeltlikeIwasabouttocrawloutofmyskin.

IguessIcouldcleansomething.
Yawn.
Mycellchirpedfromthenightstand,andIrolledover,grabbingit.Halfafraidtolookatthescreen,I

didsowithoneeyeclosed.Likethatsomehowmadethingslessshittierifitwasthefriendly,
neighborhoodasshole.

Itwasn’t.
Sittingup,IopenedthetextfromCam.TwowordsandIwasgrinninglikeafool.Missme?
Irespondedbackwitha:No.
Theresponsewasalmostimmediate.IfuwerePinocchio,urnosewldspanthestate.
Crossingmylegs,Ileanedagainstmyheadboard.Pinocchio?Soundslikeyourreadinglevel.
Ha.Uwoundme.Deeply.
Thoughtyoudidn’thavefeelings?
Ilied.Ihavesomanyfeelsforu.BeforeIcouldrespond,anothertextcamethrough.WhenIlie

somethingelsegrowsonme.

Ilaughedoutloud.Thanksforsharing.
Urwelcome.Justkeepinguupdated.
Youcankeepthattoyourself.Bitingdownonmylip,Itextedback:Didyoumakeithome?
AfewminutespassedwhileIstaredatmyphone.Yeah.Famshoweringmewithaffection.Ucld

learnfrmthem.

Ithinkyougetenoughattention.
I’mneedy.
Boy,don’tIknowthat.
Therewasanotherspanofminutes.Whatrudoing?
Lyingonmyback,Icrossedmyankles.Reading.
Nerd.
Jerk.
Betumissme.
Mygrinhadreachedembarrassinglyepicproportions.Betyouhavebetterthingstodorightnow.
Nope.Afewsecondslater,whoisthis???IfrownedasIsatup.Andthen,Sorry,mysisterjuststole

myphone.

Irelaxed.Soundslikeaprettycoolsister.
Sheis.Sometimes.She’sneedierthanIam.Gottarun.
Itextedback:TTYL
Therestoftheafternoondraggedandbynineo’clock,IbrieflyconsideringtakingsomeNyQuiljustto

gotosleep.FromthelivingroomIheardmycellchirpagain.Throwingmytoothbrushintothesink,I
madeamadfourfeetdashtomylivingroomandthenslowedasIapproachedmyphone.

Gooutwithme.
Laughing,IforgotIhadtoothpasteinmymouthandendedupspewingwhite,foamygunkallovermy

chinandshirt.“Jesus,I’madork.”

IcleanedmyselfupandthenrespondedtoCam.Askingmeovertextisnodifferentfrominperson.
ThoughtI’dgiveitatry.Whatrudoingnow?I’mbeatingmydadatpoker.

Picturinghimwithhisfamily,Ismiled.Gettingreadyforbed.
WishIwasthere.
Myeyeswidened.Whatthewhat?
Waitrunaked?
No!!!Isentback.Perv.
Damn.AtleastIhavemyimagination
That’sallyouwilleverhave.
We’llc.
Noyouwon’t.
Ichoosetoignorethat.Ok.Gottago.Dadiskickingmyass.
NightCam.
Goodnight,Avery.
Iheldontothephoneforanindecentamountoftimeafterthatandthentookitintomybedroom.Lately,

I’dtakentothehabitofturningmyringeroffatnight,becauseIneverknewwhenI’dgettheUNKNOWN
CALLERmessages.Buttonight,Ileftiton.

Justincase.

#

Sundaymorningdidn’tfeelrightwithoutCam,hisobsessionwithhard-boiledeggs,thatdamnlittle

skillet,andallthoseyummybakedgoods.Iwokeupearly,asifsomeinternalclockwasexpectinghimto
knockonmydoor.Ofcourse,itdidn’thappenandhehadn’ttextedalldaySaturday.Iimaginedthathe
washangingoutwithhisfamilyandfriendsthatwerestilllivingupthere.

ItriednottomissCam,becausehewasjustafriend,andwhileIwishedBritandJacobwerearound,

itwasn’tlikeImissedthem,missedthem.Itwasn’tthesame.Ormaybeitwas.

Pullingoutaboxofcereal,Imadeayuckface.Ireallycouldgoforsomeblueberrymuffins.Iatemy

cereal,feelingallkindsofgrumpy.I’djustfinishedwashingthebowlwhenmyphonerang.

IhurriedintothelivingroomanddrewupshortwhenIsawthenameonmycallerID.
Mom.
Oooohfuck.
ThephonekeptringingwhileIdebatedonpickingitupandtossingitoutthewindow.Ihadtoanswer,

though.MomandDadnevercalled.Soithadtobeimportant.Answeringthephone,Iwinced.“Hello.”

“Avery.”
Ah,therewasthevoice—thecultured,clipped,highlyimpersonal,andcoldvoiceofMrs.Morgansten.

Ibitbackastringofcursesthatwouldburnherperfectears.“Hi,Mom.”

Therewasahugegapofsilence.MybrowsroseasIwonderedifshemisdialedmeorsomething.

Finallyshespoke.“HowisWestVirginia?”

Shesaid‘WestVirginia’likeitwassomekindofvenerealdisease.Irolledmyeyes.Sometimesmy

parentsforgotwheretheycamefrom.“It’sreallygood.You’reupearly.”

“It’sSunday.TheohasinsistedondoinganearlybrunchwithyourFatherattheClub.OtherwiseI

wouldnotbeupatthistime.”

Theo?Iploppeddownonthecouch,mymouthhangingopen.Fortheloveoflittlebabieseverywhere,

TheowasBlaine’sfather.Myparents,theyweresuch…fuckers.

“Avery,areyouthere?”Impatiencefilledhertone.
“Yes.I’mhere.”Igrabbedapillowandshoveditinmylap.“You’regoingtohavebrunchwithMr.

Fitzgerald?”

“Yes.”

Andthatwasallshesaidtothat.Yes.Likeitwasnobigdeal.TheFitzgerald’spaidtheMorgansten’s

offandIwaslabeledalyingwhore,butitwasallgoodinthehood,becausetheyallcouldstillhave
brunchattheclub.

“Howisschool?”sheasked,butshesoundedbored.ShewasprobablysurfingtheInternetforhernext

cosmeticprocedure.“Avery?”

Oh,forfuck’ssake.“Schoolisperfect.WestVirginiaisperfect.Everythingisperfect.”
“Don’tyoutakethattonewithme,younglady.Aftereverythingyouputusthrough—”
“EverythingIputyouthrough?”Iwaslivinginanalternateuniverse.
“Andstillputtingusthrough,”shecontinuedasifIhadn’tspokenaword.“You’reclearacrossthe

country,goingtosomelittleuniversityinWestVirginiainsteadof—”

“There’snothingwrongwiththisschool,Mom,orWestVirginia.YouwereborninOhio.Notthat

different—”

“ThatissomethingItrynottoremember.”Herhuffwasprettyepic.“Whichbringsmetothepointof

thiscall.”

ThankGod,babyJesus,andtheHolyGhost.
“Youneedtocomehome.”
“What?”Iclenchedthepillowtomychest.
Shesighed.“Youneedtostopplayingaroundandcomehome,Avery.You’vemadeyourpointquite

clearbyupanddoingsomethingaschildishasthis.”

“Childish?Mom,Ihatedbeingthere—”
“Andwhodoyouhavetoblameforthat,Avery?”Someofthecoolnessslippedfromhervoice.
Mymouthdroppedopen.Thiswasn’tthefirsttimeshe’dsaidsomethinglikethat.Notbyalongshot,

butitwaslikeapunchinthechest.Istaredatthewindow,shakingmyheadslowly.

“Weonlywantthebestforyou,”shebeganagain,regainingthecoolaloofnesswithalineofpure

bullshit.“That’sallwe’vewantedandthebestthingforyoutodoistocomehome.”

Istartedtolaugh,butitgotstuckinmythroat.Cominghomewasinmybestinterest?Thewomanwas

crazy.JusttalkingtohermadeitfeellikeIgotthecrazyonme.

“Somethingshavehappenedhere,”sheadded,andthenclearedherthroat.“Youshouldcomehome.”
HowmanytimeshadIdonewhattheywanted?Toomanytimes,butthiswasonetimeIcouldn’tback

down.Goinghomewasequivalenttostickingmyheadinameatgrinderandthenaskingwhyithurt.Itook
adeepbreathandopenedmyeyes.“No.”

“Excuseme?”Mymother’svoiceturnedshrill.
“Isaid,no.I’mnotcomingbackhome.”
“AverySamanthaMorgan—”
“I’vegottogo.Itwasnicetalkingtoyou,Mom.Goodbye.”AndthenIhungupthephonebeforeshe

couldsayanythingelse.Iplacedthecellonthecoffeetableandwaited.

Oneminutewentby,twominutes,andthenfiveminutes.Lettingoutasighofrelief,Icollapsedagainst

thecouch.Ishookmyhead,literallyblownawaybytheconversation.Mymotherwasinsane.Iclosedmy
eyesandrubbedmytemples.WhatawaytostartaSundaymorning.

Asuddenknockonthedoorstartledme.
Hoppingtomyfeet,Ihurriedaroundthecouch,wonderingwhoitcouldbe.Itwastooearlyforanyof

myfriendstohavecomehome.Hell,itwasn’tevennineyet,whichmeantitwasprobablyalsotooearly
foraserialkillertopayavisit.

Istretchedupandpeeredthroughthepeephole.“Noway.”MyheartdidaseriesofbackflipsasI

yankedopenthedoor.“Cam?”

Heturnedaround,lipstippedinacrookedgrin.Inhishandwasagrocerybag.“So,Iwokeuparound

fourthismorningandthoughtIcouldreallyeatsomeeggs.Andeggswithyouissomuchbetterthaneggs
withmysisterormydad.Plusmymommadepumpkinbread.Iknowhowyoulikepumpkinbread.”

Strucksilent,Isteppedasideandwatchedhimcarryhisbagintothekitchen.Thebackofmythroat

burned,mylowerlipwasdoingthisreallyweirdtremblething.Aknotsomewheredeepinsidemychest
unraveled.Mybrainclickedoff.Ididn’tevenshutthefrontdoororfeelthecoolairwashingovermy
bareankles.Ishotforward,crossingthedistancebetweenmydoorandkitchen.CamturnedjustasI
launchedmyselfathim.

Hecaughtmeandstumbledbackastepashecaughtmewithhisarmsaroundmywaist.Iburiedmy

headagainsthischest,eyesclosedandmyheartthumping.“Imissedyou.”

Chapter13

Hunkereddowninmyhoodie,IshiveredasthecoldwindwhippedbetweenWhitehallandKnutti,

rattlingthebrownandyellowleavesaboveus.Severalweretossedintotheairandtheyspiraleddownto
theground,joiningthethickcarpetofleaves.

Britdrewinadeepdragofhercigaretteandletitoutslowly.“SothenexttimeIansweralatenight

bootycallfromJimmieandIactuallygoovertohisplace,whatwillyoudo?”

Ihobbledfromsidetoside.“Punchyouinthevagina?”
“Exactly!”Shetookonelastdrawandthenputthecigaretteout.“God,whyarewegirlssostupid?”
Ifellinstepbesideher,keepingmyarmswrappedaroundme.“Goodquestion.”
“Imean,Itotallyknowhedoesn’twanttobeinarelationship,thatallhewantsissex,andhe’susually

alittledrunkandyetIstillgooverthere.Seriously?”

“Doyouwanttobeinarelationship?”
Herlipspursedasshepulledherknitcapdownoverherears.“Youknow,Idon’tthinkso.”
Ifrowned.“Thenwhyareyousoupsetbecausehedoesn’twanttobe.”
“Becauseheshouldwanttobeinarelationshipwithme!I’mfriggin’awesome.”
Fightingagrin,Iglancedather.“Youareawesome.”
Britsmiled.I’dmetJimmieacoupleoftimesaroundcampuswithBrit.Heseemedlikeaprettyokay

guy,butIreallybelievedshecoulddobetterthansomeguythatonlycalledherwhenhewasdrunk.SoI
toldherthat.

“Andthat’swhywe’refriends,”sheresponded,wigglingherarmthroughmine.“Man,wheredidfall

go?It’slikewintercameoutofnowhereandbitchsmackedus.”

“Iknow.”Ishudderedaswestoppedattheintersection.“Ifeelsorryforthekidswhoareabouttogo

trickortreatingtomorrownight.They’regoingtofreeze.”

“Fuckthekids,”shesaid,causingmetogiggle.“I’mdressingasanangel—asluttyangel.”
“Ofcourse.”
“AndthatmeansI’mbasicallywearinglingerie.Mynippleswillprobablyfreezeandfalloff.

Speakingofwhich,don’tthinkIhaven’tnoticedhowyou’vebeenavoidingthewholepartytopic.”

Ihadnoideahowshewentfromfrozennipplestothat.
Outsideoftheregister’soffice,shepinnedmewithalook.“Youhavetogowithus.Everyoneisgoing

tobethere.”

Lookingaway,Iwatchedcampuspolicedoingacarunlockforanunluckyperson.“Idon’tknow.Not

bigonHalloweenparties.”

“You’renotbigonanyparties.Comeon,you’vegottocome.Ineedyouthere.Jimmiewillbethere

andI’llneedyoutopunchmeinthevagina.”

Ilaughed.“I’msureJacobwillgladlydothatforyou.”
“It’snotthesame!Hedoesn’tunderstandandgivestheworstadvice.He’dprobablytellmetogohook

upwithhim,”sheprotested,andIhadtoimaginethatwastrue.“Youhavetocome.Please.Pretty
please.”

Myresolvetonotevenconsiderthispartystartedtocrack.Jacobhadbeentalkingaboutitallweek.

Lastnight,asCamandIwerefinishingupourassignmentandin-betweenhimaskingmeout,heeven
broughtupthepartyhisfriendJasewasthrowing.JasewasayearyoungerthanCamandprettyhighupin
oneofthefrats,whichoneIcouldn’tremember.I’dseenCamwithhimacoupleoftimes,butwe’dnever
spoken.Notthatanyofthatmattered,becauseevenconsideringgoingtothispartyhadthebeginningsof
anulcerforminginmystomach.

“Igottoheadinhereandtakecareofthestupidschedulingfornextsemester.”
She’dbeenhavingahellofatimegettingclasses.I’dbeenluckyandgotintoalltheclassesI’d

wanted.“Areyougoingtocutabitch?”

“Maybe.”Britgavemeaquickhug.“Thankyouforwalkingmehere.”
“Noproblem.”Iwasdonefortheday,soIdidn’thavemuchelsetodo.
Shestartedupthewidestepsbutturnedaround.“Thinkabouttheparty.Please?Youneedtogo,not

justforme,itwillbefun.You’llgettoletloosealittle.Okay?”

Itookadeepbreath.“I’llthinkaboutit.”
“Likereallythinkabout?”WhenInodded,shesaid,“Promise?”
“Promise.”
BritheadedintothebuildingandIwasprobablygoingtobeheadingtothestoretogetsomeTums.I

wasgoingtoneedthem.

#

ThereweretimesinmylifewhenIknewwhatIwasthinkingwaswrong.Knowingthatdidn’tmake

thingsanyeasier.GoingtoaHalloweenpartyshouldn’thavemesittinginmymoonchairwithabottleof
TumsbesidemeandacartonofBen&Jerry’sRockyRoadinmyhands.

AhalfemptycartonofBen&Jerry’sicecream.
IfeltlikeIwaswellonmywaytobecomingtheneighborhoodcatlady.AllIneededwasthecats.
Shortlyafterleavingcampus,IhadgottenatextfromCamabouttheparty.Hewantedmetogo.Brit

wantedmetogo.Jacobwantedmetogo.Iwantedtogo,but….

Groaning,Iputthelidontheicecreamandshovedtomyfeet.Iwasnineteenyearsold.Livingonmy

own.ItoldmymothertosuckitandIactuallyhuggedCamandtoldhimthatImissedhim.Goingtothis
partyshouldn’tbethatbigofadeal.ItwasabouttimethatIdidsomethinglikethis.IfIdidn’tdoitnow,
wouldIeverdoit?

Probablynot.
Iputtheicecreamawayandthenmovedontothespraybottlestashedunderthesink.Sprayingthe

surfaceofeverythinginmykitchen,Istartedcleaningwithawickedvengeance.

Icoulddoit.
Myheartfloppedinmychestanditfeltlikemystomachhaddroppedtomyfeet.
No,Icouldn’t.
Scrubbingthecounterbythestove,thelightreflectedoffthesilverbracelet,catchingmyattention.I

stopped,unabletolookawayfromsomethingthathadbecomeastapleinmyeverydaylife.Puttingthe
bottledownanddroppingthecloth,Ireachedoutandslidthebraceletoff.Turningmyarmover,Iforced
myselftolookatthescar.Iwasashamedofit,dideverythinginmypowertohideit,butforwhat?
Stayinginmyapartment,beingantisocialandageneralloser?Certainthingswereprobablyalwaysgoing
beanogoformeorinsanelyawkward,butgoingtoafuckingparty?WasIreallythatcrippledbywhat
happened,thatfiveyearslaterIcouldn’tgotoone?

IputthebraceletbackonasIleanedagainstthecounter.
Ihadtodothis.Ineededtodothis.Atleasttrytodothis.MyheartstarteditspanickedthumpingasI

pushedoffthecounterandheadedintothelivingroom.IdugmyphoneoutofmybagandbeforeIthought
aboutwhatIwasdoing,IopenedCam’stextfromearlierandsentOkay.

Afewsecondspassedandthentherewasatextback.Incoming.
“Incoming?”Whatinthe—?
Therewasaknockonmydoor.
Rollingmyeyes,Itossedmyphoneonthecouchandwenttothedoor.“Youdidn’thavetocomeover.”

Camstrolledrightin,twistinghiscaponbackward.
“Well,helpyourself.”
Hestoppednearthekitchenandfrowned.“WhydoesyourapartmentsmelllikeClorox?”
“Iwascleaning.”
Abrowwentup.
“Thewholekitchen,”Isaidsheepishly.“Youknow,youcould’vesavedyourselfthetripandjust

respondedtothetext.”

Castingmealonglook,hesatonthecouch.“Ineededtheexercise.”
Yeah,hedidnotneedtheexercise.
Hepattedthespotbesideme.“Comesitwithme.”
Istared.
“Comeon.”
Mutteringundermybreath,Isteppedoverhislegsandsat.“Alright,I’msitting.”
Hislasheslowered,andIfelthisgazeovermymouth.Warmthspreadacrossmycheeks,andhisgrin

wentupanotch.“Soyoutextedmewiththewordokay.I’veaskedyoutwothingstoday.SoI’mcuriousto
whichoneyou’refinallyagreeingto.”

Ipulledmylegsuptomychestandwrappedmyarmsaroundmyknees.“Youaskedmeaboutthe

Halloweenpartytomorrownight.”

“Yes,Idid.”HereachedoverandtuggedonmyarmuntilIletgoofmyknees.“ButIaskedyou

somethingelse.”

Myeyesnarrowed.
Thenhegotahandonthehemofmyjeansandpulledmylegsawayfrommychest.“Ialsoaskedyou

out.”

“Youknowtheanswertothat.”
Henarrowedhiseyes.
Mylipstwitched.“Iwassayingokay,I’llgototheparty.”
“Smartchoice.It’llbefunandyou’llhaveagoodtime.”OnceIwasapparentlysittingtohisapproval,

hesatback.“Whendoyouwantmetopickyouup?”

Ishookmyhead.“I’mgoingtodrivemyself.”
“Whywouldyoudothat?Weliveinthesamebuildingandareheadingtothesameplace.”
“Thanks,butI’lldrive.”
Hestudiedmeamoment.“Ifyoudon’twanttogowithme,thenatleastgetaridewithBrittany.”
Isaidsomethingalongthelinesofagreeingtothat,butIwasn’tplanningonthat.Takingmyowncar

meantIcouldleavewheneverIwantedto.Ineededthatlifeline.

“Hey,”Camsaid.
Turningmyheadtowardhim,Iraisedmybrows.“Hi.”
“Gooutwithme.”
Ismiled.“Shutup,Cam.”

#

Iwassonervousthatmyphonefeltslipperyinmyhandandmyseatbeltfeltlikeitwaspressedtoo

tightlyagainstmychest.Iwassittingintheparkinglot,thirtyminutespastthetimeIshould’veleftforthe
HalloweenpartyatJase’shouse.I’dliketosaythatIwasjustbeingfashionablylate,butthatwassonot
thetruth.

Iwasliketwostepsfromapanicattack.
“So,youdidn’tgetacostume?”Britsaid,andoverhervoice,Icouldhearmusicandmuffledlaughter.

“It’snotabigdeal.Therearelotsofpeopleherethataren’tdressedup.”

Well,therewentthatexcuse.AftertalkingtoCamlastnight,I’dbrieflyconsideredtheideaofmakinga

lastminuteruntothestoretofindacostume,butdressingupwouldprobablybetoomuch.

“Areyoualmosthere?”Britasked.“BecauseI’mlonely—hey!”
Asecondlater,Jacob’svoicecamethroughthephone.“Hey,girl,hey,whereyouat?”
Iclosedmyeyes.“I’mgettingreadytoleave.”
“Youbetter,becauseBritisgettingonmynervesaskingforyou.Sogetyourasshere.”
“I’mcoming.I’llbethereinalittlebit.”
Hangingup,Itossedthephoneontotheseatnexttomeandgrippedthesteeringwheel.Icandothis.

That’swhatIkepttellingmyselfasIglancedbackupatmyapartment.I’dleftalightonanditwaslikea
damnbeaconrightnow,coaxingmebacktothesafetythatwaspureboredom.

Iwasbeingstupid,totallyunderstoodthat,butitdidn’tchangethefactthatmyheartwasthunderingin

mychestorthatIwasnauseous.WhatIwasexperiencingwasn’tnormaltoanyoneelse,andthatwasthe
key.Ididn’twantthistobenormalforme.

“Fuck.”
Ineededtobebrave.
Iknockedthecarintoreverseandbackedout.MyarmsweretremblingbythetimeImadeittotheend

oftheroadandmadetheleftontoRoute45.Jase’shousewasn’tthatfarfromUniversityHeights.Onlya
fewmiles,backinanearbysubdivisionwhereseverallargerfratshadtakenupresidency.

Onthedrivetohishouse,IfocusedonlistingasmanyconstellationsIcould.Andromeda,Antlia,

Apus,Aquarius,Aquila,Ara,Aries,Auriga—whocameupwiththesenames?Seriously.I’dmadeitto
theD’swhenIspottedthelineofcarspouringoutofalargethree-storyhome’sdriveway.Carswere
everywhere,parkingalongtheroad,intheyard,anddownthestreet.IhadtoendupturningaroundsoI
couldparkontheothersideofthestreet,aboutablockdown.

Thenightairwaschillyandthestreetswerevoidofchildren.Trickortreathadendedaboutanhour

beforeandtherewerepiecesofdroppedcandyeveryfewfeet.

Brightlightspilledoutfromthewindows,castingaluminousglowalongtheporch.Therewereafew

peopleoutside,leaningagainsttherailing.Shovingmyhandsintothepocketsofmyhoodie,Iavoidedthe
garage,whereameangameofbeerpongwasgoingdown,andthroughtheopenfrontdoor.

Holycrap…
Thehousewaspacked.Peoplewereeverywhere,crowdingaTV,ingroupsbythecouch,onthefloor,

andinthehallway.MusicthumpedalongwithmyheartasIscannedthecrowd,searchingforasexy
angel.Therewerealotofangels—naughtyangelsinred,sexyangelsinwhite,andIguess,verybad
angelsinblack.

Hmm.
IsqueezedpastagirldressedlikeDorothyfromTheWizardofOz,ifDorothyhadbeenastripper.She

smiledatmeandIsmiledback.Itfeltwobblyandweird.Slidingpastagroupatacardtable,Isaw
Cam’sroommateOllieatthetable.Hewastooimmersedinthegametonoticeme.Istretcheduponthe
tipsofmytoes.Theinsideofthehousehadaslightlysuffocatingfeeltoitwithallthepeople.

TherewasanearbyhighpitchedsquealandIturned,havingonlysecondstopreparemyselfbeforeI

wasattackedbyanangelinwhite.

“You’rehere!”Britshrieked,squeezingme.“Holyshit!Ididn’tthinkyou’dactuallycome.Ithought

youweregoingtobail.”

“I’mhere.”
Shesqueezedmeagainandthengrabbedmyhand.“Come.Jacobisoutinthegarage.SoisCam.”

Myoverworkedheartdidsomemorecardioasshepulledmearoundthecardtable.Afewguys

lookedup,dismissingmeandmyjeansoutrightandthensettlingonthetinywhitedressBrithadon.
Interestsparkedintheireyes.Oneguyleanedbackinhischair,browsknittingashetookherin.Icouldn’t
blamehim.Shelookedhot.

“Comingthrough!”Britannounced,freehandintheair.“Beep.Beep.”
Theairwaseasiertobreatheinthegarage,thelightnotsobright,andwhilethereweremorepeople

outhere,themusclesinthebackofmyneckrelaxed.Britledmetowardaguywhohadanoldschool,
blackbowlerhatonandapurpleblazer.

“Jakey-Jake,lookwhoIfound!”Brityelled.
Purpleblazerturned,andagenuinesmilebrokeoutacrossmyfaceasIsawthebigblackrimglasses.

“BrunoMars?”Iasked.

“Yes!See,Brit.Somepeoplegetmycostume!”Jacobshotheradirtylookbeforeturningbacktome.

Hefrowned.“Whatareyoudressedas?”

Ishrugged.“Alazycollegestudent?”
JacoblaughedasBritbouncedovertothekeg.“WhatdoyouhaveonunderthisGodawful

sweatshirt?”

“What’swrongwithmyhoodie?”Idemanded.
Hegavemeablandlook.“Nothing’swrongwithitifyoujustrolledoutofbedandweregoingto

class,butyou’reataparty.”Hewentforthezipperonmyhoodieandpulleditdown.“TakeitofforI’m
takingitoff.”

“He’sbeingserious.”Britreturnedwithtworedplasticcupsinherhand.“Heoncetookmyshirtoff

becausehewantedtotryitonandthereIwas,standinginaroomfullofgirls,withjustmybra.”

Islippedmykeysintomyjeansandtookmyhoodieoff,droppingitonthebackofanearbycamping

chair.“Happy?”

Jacobtookinmyfittedblackturtleneck,lipspursed.“Hmm…”Hetuggedthehemofmysweaterupso

thatitexposedasliceofmylowerstomach.Thenroughedhishandsthroughmyhair,causingthewavesto
goineverywhichway.“Better.Youhaveatight,littlebody.Fuckingownit,girl.Nowyou’redressed
likeasasexy,lazycollegestudent.”

ItookthedrinkBritshovedinmyhand.“AreyoudonedressingmelikeI’myourownpersonal

Barbie?”

“Bitch,ifyouweremyBarbie,you’dbehalfnaked.”
Ilaughed.“GoodthingI’mnot.”
Hedroppedanarmovermyshoulder.“I’mgladyou’rehere.Forreal.”
“Metoo.”AndonceIsaidthat,Iwasglad.Iwashere.Imadeit.Thiswashuge.Ieventookasipof

mybeer.Lookatme.Partyanimalextraordinaire.

TellingmyselfIwasn’tlookingforanyoneinparticular,Iglancedaroundthegarage.Itdidn’ttakelong

tofindCam.Beingthathewasagoodheadtallerthanmostoftheguysaround,hewaseasytopickout.
Seeingthathewasn’tdressedanydifferentlythanhenormallywasbroughtasmiletomyface.

Camwasstandingnearthebeerpongtable,armsfoldedacrosshischest.Hisbicepsstretchedthe

short-sleeveshirthewore.Ididn’tknowwhatitwaswithguysdressinglikeitwaswarmoutsidewhenit
wasobviouslynot.

BesidehimwasJase,whowasasequallytallasCam,andjustasnicetoopenlygawkatwithhis

slightlylongerbrownhair.Hetoowasdressedlikeitwasswelteringandadarktattoopeekedoutfrom
underneathhissleeve.

Britfollowedmystareandsighed.“Idon’tknowwhichoneishotter.”

Cam,tome,wonhandsdown.“Meneither.”
“I’dtakethemboth,”Jacobcommented.
“Atthesametime?”CuriosityfilledBrit’stone.
Jacobgrinned.“Hellyeah.”
“ACamandJasesandwich.”Britshivered.“IwishthatwasontheDollarMenu.”
Ilaughed.“Ithinkthey’dcostmorethanadollar.”
“True,”shemurmuredandthensighedouta,“Ineedtogetlaid.”
JaseelbowedCamandsaidsomething.Amomentlater,Camlookedinourdirection.Awidesmile

brokeoutacrosshisstrikingface.Heputhiscupdownontheedgeofthepingpongtable.

“Andherecomesoneofthem,”Jacobsaid,lookingatmyslyly.“It’sabouttobecomeaCamandAvery

sandwich.”

“Shutup,”Isaid,flushing.
PeoplegotoutofthewayforCam.HewaslikeahotMoses,partingaseaofdrunkcollegestudents.I

tookastepback,suddenlynervous.

Camdidn’thesitate.Therewasaconfidenteaseineverythinghedid.Hisarmswerearoundmywaist

inunderasecond,liftingmeoffmyfeetinabearhug.Britwiselygrabbedthecupfrommyhandbefore
Camspunaround.Iclutchedhisshouldersasthewallsofthegaragewhirled.

“Holyshit,Ican’tbelieveyou’reactuallyhere.”
ItseemedthatnoonereallythoughtI’dshow.ItmademewarmandfuzzytoknowthatIdid.“Itoldyou

Iwascoming.”

Hesatmeonmyfeetbutdidn’tletgo.“Whendidyougethere?”
Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.Notthatlongago.”
“Whydidn’tyoucomesayhi?”Thedimplewasthere,andIfoundmyselfstaringatit.
“YouwerebusyandIdidn’twanttobotheryou,”Iadmitted,noticingthatquiteafewpeoplewere

staringatus.

Camloweredhisheadandhislipsbrushedmyearashespoke,sendingaburstofshiversalongmy

spine.“Youareneverabothertome.”

MyheartskippedinmychestlikeIwaspoisedatoparollercoasterride.Iturnedmyheadslightly,

andoureyeslocked.Thoughtsscattered,andwhenCam’shandstightenedonmyarms,Iwasflyingdown
thatrollercoaster.Foramoment,thesoundsofthepartyweredrownedout.Thepupilsofhiseyeswere
solarge,astartlingcontrastagainstthebrightblue.

“Yo,Cam!”Jaseyelled.“You’reup.”
Themomentwasshattered,andIletoutthebreathIhadn’trealizedIwasholding.Hislipstippedup

onthecorners.“Don’tgotoofar.”

Inodded.“Okay.”
CamreturnedtoJase’ssideandpickedupapingpongball.
“Whoa,”Britbreathed,handingmydrinkbacktome.“Thatwas…”
“Reallyhot,”Jacobfinished.“Ithoughtyoutwoweregoingtoripoffeachother’sclothesandstart

makingbabiesrighthereonthedirty,beercoveredfloor.LikeIwasgoingtohavetostartcharging
admissionforwhatwasabouttogodown.”

Ishothimlook.“Ithinkthat’satadbitontheoverexaggerationside.”
“Notfromwherewewerestanding,”Britsaid,fanningherself.“Howlongareyougoingtostringthat

boyalong?”

Afrownpulledatmylips.“I’mnotstringinghimalong.”
Herbrowsrose,butshedidn’tsayanything.Luckilytheconversationmovedawayfrommewhen

JimmieappearedandstartedmessingwithBrit’swings.Ourthreesometurnedintoafoursomeandbefore
Iknewit,wehadourownlittlepartyofftotheside.Iwastotallyoutofmyelement,butIkeptupwiththe
conversation.IknewasIsippedmybeer,Iwasbeinglabeledasthequietchickattheparty,butthatwas
betterthanthelastpartylabelIendedupwith.

Thegrouphadgrownoutside,themusicwasslightlylouder,andclustersofpeoplestartedtodance.

Somehow,amongallthenoise,adeep,huskylaughdrewmyattention,andIturnedhalfway.

ComingthroughthegarageentranceweretwogirlswholookedliketheybelongedonaVictoria’s

Secrets’runway.Onewasdressedasadevil,whichwasreallyjustaredteddy,apointytail,andhorns.
Boobswereeverywhere.TheotherwasaverysexyversionofLittleRedRidingHood.Severalthings
immediatelyhappenedastheyprowledinonmilehighheels.

Alotofguysliterallystoppedwhattheyweredoingandlooked,likemidconversation.Jimmie’s

mouthhitthefloor.EvenJacobwasstaringlikehewasabouttochangesexualpreferences.Mystomach
sortoftwistedasIeyedtheRidingHoodcostumeandItriednottoeventhinkaboutthefactthatIhad
wornacostumejustlikethattotheHalloweenpartyyearsbefore.Besides,rightnow,thatdidn’tseem
likethebiggestdealtocontendwith,whichspokevolumesforalotofthings.

LittleRedRidingHoodwasalsoknownasStephanieKeith,a.k.aSteph.
Thegirlwasgorgeousinawaythatmadeanygirlfeelunderdressedandonthewrongsideofugly.

Thehemofhersparklyreddressendedjustbelowtheass,andherlegswerestunning.Heroutfitwas
completewithredlips,smokyeyes,andtwopigtails.

Shewashot.
AndshewasgoingstraightforCam.
Stephthrewherarmsaroundhim,whichcausedherdresstohikeup,revealingruffledblackpanties

thatreadSPANKMEacrossherasscheeks.Camdidn’trunfromher,butturned,givingherthatdamn
lopsidedsmileofhis.Shetooktheballfromhim,backingupandgigglingasherfriendwasallupon
Jase.

Somethinguglyunfurledinthepitofmystomachlikeanoxiousweed.Whywasn’tCamrunningaway

fromherinsteadoffollowingheraroundthetable?

Thatwasastupidquestion.
WhatguywouldberunningfromSteph?
Someonebumpedintomefromtheside,anapologywasmuttered,butIwasfocusedonSteph.She

washoldingtheballclosetoherbreasts,grinningwickedlyasCamstalkedher.

Brittookthecupfrommeandgrabbedmyhand.“Let’sdance.”
Idugmyfeetin,blinkingather.“Idon’tdance.”
“No.Wearegoingtodance.”Shecastalookoverhershoulder.Camhadsomehowgottentheball

fromSteph.“Becauseifwedon’t,you’rejustgoingtostandthereandglareatthemlikethepissedoff
girlfriend.”

Shit.Shehadapoint.Iletherdragmetowardagroupofgirlsthatweredancing,whichwas

convenientlyclosetothepingpongtable.Britheldontomyhandassheshimmiedaroundme,singing
alongtothesong.IttookacoupleofmomentstoworkupthenervetodoanotherthingIhadn’tdonein
yearsandIsortofwishedI’dfinishedoffthebeer.

Closingmyeyes,Iletmyselffeelthemusicandcatchthebeat.Oncethathappened,myhipswere

swayingandIwassmiling.Eyesopennow,IstillheldontoBrit’shandaswedancedtogether.Thegroup
aroundusgrewlargerandoverBrit’sshoulder,IsawCam.

Hewasn’tpayingattentiontoSteph.
Hewaswatchingus—watchingme.

Britwasafreakinggenius.
Shelookedbehindherandthenturnedbacktome,bitingherlip.“Fuck‘em.”
Itippedmyheadbackandlaughed.“Fuck‘em.”
“That’smygirl.”
Jimmiejoinedus,comingupbehindBrit,droppinghishandsonherwaist.Iraisedmybrows,andshe

shrugged,whichwascodeforholdingoffonthepunchinginthevagina.Myhairwasdampalongmy
templesandmysweaterhadriddenup.ThethreeofuswerejoinedbyJacob,whoprettymuchflailed
around.Iwassocaughtupinlaughingathimthatwhenhandslandedonmyhips,Ijumpedagoodfive
inchesoffthefloor.

Brit’seyeswidened.
Ilookedovermyshoulderandsawarelativelyunfamiliarface.Theguy’scheekswerered,eyes

slightlyglazedoverashegroundhiships.

“Hey,”heslurred,smiling.
“Hi.”Iturnedbackaround,makingafaceatBritasIsteppedforward.Imadeitaboutaninchbefore

DrunkGuy’sgriptightened.

“Whereyougoing?”hesaid.“We’redancing.”
Itwistedtotheside,andtheguyfollowed,stayingatmyback.Mystomachdroppedandastrange,

shiverysensationcrawledupthebackofmyneck,raisingthetinyhairsthere.Thrownbackseveralyears,
Ifrozeforasecond.Brit,Jacob,theparty—everything—disappeared.Ifelthimpullmebackagainsthim,
hishandsonthebareskinofmystomach.Withoutanywarning,realityseemedtoshift.

Iwasn’there.
Iwasbackthere,withhishandsundermyskirt,andIcouldn’tbreatheorsee;thefabricofthecouch

roughagainstmycheek.

“Baby,”theguycroonedinmyear.“Dancewithme.”
“Baby,”Blainehadsaid,hisbreathheavyinmyear.“Youcan’ttellmeyoudon’twantthis.”
Thegarageshiftedtoabasementandbackagain.Itriedtopullaway,myheartbeatingsofastIwas

goingtobesick.“Letmego.”

“Comeon,it’sjustadance.”Hishandwasonmystomach,undermysweater.“You—”
“Letmego.”MybreathcaughtinmythroatasIstruggled.“Letmego!”
Therewasasurprisedshoutandasqueal.SuddenlyIwastornoutofthedrunkguy’sgrip.Istumbled

back,bumpingintosomeone.Heartracing,Ipushedmyhairoutofmyfaceandliftedmyhead.

OhmyGod.
Camhadtheguyagainstthewall.

Chapter14

AsmallcrowdhadalreadycircledCamandtheguy.Somewatchingonininterest,othersjeeringon

thefight.

Camhadpinnedtheguywithonehandshovedintohischest.Hewasrightupinhisface,hisfreehand

curledintoafistathisside.“Whatthefuck,man?Doyouhaveafuckinghearingproblem?”

“I’msorry,”theguyblubbered,handsraisedathissides.“Wewerejustdancing.Didn’tmeananyshit

byit.”

“Cam.”Myvoicecameoutstrangled,hoarseasIstartedforward.
Britwasbesideme,capturingmyarm.“Donotgetinvolved,Avery.”
HowcouldInotgetinvolved?MystomachroiledandwhatlittlebeerIhadconsumedroseinmy

throat.

CamshovedtheguybackintothewallagainandthenJasewassuddenlythere,gettinganarmaround

Cam’swaist,pullinghimback.Theguyslumpedagainstthewall,eyesclosed.

“Youneedtochillthefuckout,”Jasesaid.
Camsidesteppedhisfriend,eyesnarrowedontheotherguy.“Letmethefuckgo,Jase.”
“Fuckno.”Jasegotin-betweenthem,puttinghishandsonCam’schest.“Youdon’tneedthis,

remember?Gettingintoafightisthelastthingyoufuckingneedrightnow.Sobackdown.”

SomethinginwhatJasehadsaidseemedtoreachCam.Hecasttheguyagainstthewallonelast

promisinglookandthenshruggedoffJase’shands.Camturned,thrustinghishandthroughhishair.
Throughthepeoplestandingbetweenus,hisgazelandedonmeandBrit.Hestartedforward,butJase
saidsomethingthatmadehimstop.Outofnowhere,Ollieappeared,shovingabottleofbeerinCam’s
hands.Betweenthetwoofthem,theyusheredhimbackintothehouse.Istartedafterthem,butBrithauled
meintoacorner,herwingsbouncingassheturnedtome.“Whatthehellhappened?”

“Idon’tknow.”Mychestroseandfellsharply.“Theguywouldn’tletmegoandCamjustcameoutof

nowhere.Ineedto—”

“No.”Shestoppedme,blockingmypath.“Youneedtolethimcooldown.He’swithhisboys,lethim

be.”

Smoothingmyhandsovermyhips,IwasslowtoprocesswhatBritwassaying.Therewasagood

chanceIwasgoingtohurl.Ilookedaround,willingmyhearttoslowdown.Somepeoplewerestaringat
us.Othershadlostinterestthemomentitwasobvioustherewouldn’tbeafight.Stephwasattheping
pongtable,lipsthinningasourgazescollided.Musicpickedbackup,thumpingintunewithmyheart.
Sweatdottedmybrow.

“Hey,Avery,youokay?”Britasked.
Iforcedanod,butIwasn’tokay.Thegaragewasshiftingagain—allthecostumesandthesounds

amplified.Pressureclampeddownonmychest.Thesmellofbeer,perfume,andsweatcloudedtheair.I
tookabreath,butitdidn’tseemlikeenough.

“Ineedfreshair,”ItoldBrit,pullingfree.
“I’llgowithyou.”
“No.No,I’mfine.Stayhere.”Ididn’twanttoruinhernight.“I’mokay.Really.Ijustneedsomefresh

air.”

Britrelentedwithalittlemorecoaxing,andIhurriedoutofthegarage,feelinglikeahundredeyes

wereonmybackeventhoughIknewprobablynoonewaslooking.

Coolairliftedthedamphairoffmyneck,butIdidn’treallyfeelit.Ididn’tstop.Ikeptwalking,my

handsopeningandclosingatmysides.IwasbymycarbeforeIrealizedit.Diggingmykeysoutofmy

pocket,Igotinbehindthewheel.

Handsshaking,Ipressedthemagainstmyface.OhGod,Icouldstillfeelhishands—notthedrunk

guy’sbutBlaine’s.Icouldhearhimwhisperinginmyear,feelhimbehindmeandthepressure….
Throwingmyheadbackagainsttheheadrest,Isqueezedmyeyesshut.“No.I’mnotdoingthis.”

Thewordsseemedtoechointhecarandwerethrownbackinmyface,becauseIwasdoingthis.Iwas

doingexactlywhatIshouldn’tdo.

Icouldn’tgobackinthere,notformyfriendsorformyhoodie.
Shovingthekeysintotheignition,Ieasedmycaroutfrombetweentwocars.Idon’tevenknowhowI

gothome.Ididn’trememberanythingfromtheride,justthatIwasstandinginthemiddleofmyapartment,
tryingtocatchmybreath.

ImadeittothehallwaybeforeIsliddownthewall,bringingmykneesagainstmychest.Icurledup,

thrustingmyhandsintomyhair.Isqueezedmyeyesshut,butthetearssnuckfree,spillingdownmy
cheeks.

TherewasnodoubtinmymindthatIhadscrewedup—I’doverreacted.Theguyatthepartyhadbeen

obnoxiouslygrabby,butIhadoverreacted.I’dletthepastdistortwhathadbeenreallyhappening.I’d
panickedandCamalmostgotintoafightoverit.

Ipressedmyforeheadagainstmyknees,pullingmyhairback.Icouldn’tdoit.I’dtriedandIhad

turnedagoodtimeintoanepicfail.Whatwaswrongwithme?

Therewereseveralvalidanswerstothat—alotwaswrong.Notbreakingnewstherebutthis…Ihad

wantedsobadlyfortonighttobegood,fortonighttobethatextrapushintherightdirection,whatever
directionthatwas.AsobroseandIclampedmyjawshutuntilmymolarsached.Instead,Iwashere,
backtowhereIstarted.

#

Thethrobbinginmyheadhadincreaseduntilitfeltliketheentireapartmentwaspoundingrightalong

withit.Wincing,IopenedmyeyesandrealizedIwaswhereI’dsatdown,inthehallandmyentirebody
ached.I’dfallenasleep,maybeforanhourortwo.

Andthethumpingwasn’tjustinmyhead—itwasonmydoor.
Ipushedoffthefloor,hurryingtothedoorinahaze.IwassooutofitIdidn’tevenchecktoseewhoit

was.

CambarreledthroughthedoorandIwasagainsthischestbeforeIprocessedwhatwashappening.

Strongarmssweptaroundmeandhishandcameup,cradlingthebackofmyhead.Iinhaleddeeply,
drawinginthefaintscentofcologneandalcohol.

“JesusChrist,”hesaid,hishandfistinginmyhair.“Whyhaven’tyouansweredyourdamnphone?”
“Ileftmyphoneinthecar,Ithink.”Myvoicewasmuffledagainsthischest.
Hesworeagainashepulledback.Hishandswenttomycheeks,holdingmeinplaceinawaythat

didn’ttriggerdarkmemories.“I’vebeenblowingupyourphone—sohaveJacobandBrittany.”

“I’msorry.”Iblinkedslowly.“Ididn’t—”
“You’vebeencrying.”Hiseyesnarroweduntilonlyathinstripofblueshowedinboth.“You’vebeen

fuckingcrying.”

“No,Ihaven’t.”Theliesoundedlame.
“Haveyoulookedinthemirror?”hedemanded.WhenIshookmyhead,hedroppedhishandsand

closedthedoorbehindhim.Hethentookmyhand.Amuscletickedalonghisjawandwhenhespokehis
voicewashard.“Comeon.”

Ilethimpullmeintothehallwaybathroom.Whenheflippedontheoverheadlight,IwincedandthenI

sawmyselfinthemirror.“OhGod…”

Myeyeswerepuffyandred,butitwasthestreaksofblackmascarathattrulycementedthefactthatmy

firstattemptatattendingapartyinfiveyearshadnotendedwell.MygazemetCam’sinthemirrorand
embarrassmentswampedme.Idroppedmyheadinmyhandsandmuttered,“Perfect—justperfect.”

“It’snotthatbad,sweetheart.”Hisvoicesoftenedashishandssettledonmyupperarms.Hegently

pulledmyhands.“Sitdown.”

Isatontheclosedtoiletseat.Staringatmyfingers,Iforcedmysluggishbraintocatchup.“Whatare

youdoinghere?”

“WhatamIdoinghere?”Heranawashclothunderthetapandkneltdowninfrontofme.“Isthata

seriousquestion?”

“Guessnot.”
“Lookatme.”WhenIdidn’t,herepeatedit.“Dammit,Avery,lookatme.”
Whoa.Angerroselikesmokethroughme.Mychinlifted.“Happy?”
Themusclewasback,tickingaway.“WhywouldIcomehere?Youleftapartywithoutsayingaword

toanyone.”

“Itold—”
“YoutoldBrittanyyouweregettingsomefreshair.Thatwasthreehoursago,Avery.Theythoughtyou

werewithme,butwhentheysawmelatertheyknewyouweren’t.Afterwhathappenedwiththatasshole,
youscaredthem.”

Myangerseepedoutofme,replacedbyguilt.“Ididn’tmeanto.Ijustleftmyphoneinthecar.”
Hedidn’tsayanythingashesmoothedthewashclothundermyeyes,wipingawaythemascara.“You

didn’tneedtoleave.”

“Ioverreacted.”MylashesloweredandIletoutabreath.“Theguy…hereallyhadn’tdoneanything

wrong.HejustsurprisedmeandIoverreacted.Iruinedtheparty.”

“Youdidn’truintheparty.Andthatsonofabitchshouldn’thavebeengrabbingyou.Fuck.Iheardyou

say‘letmego’andIknowdamnwellhedidto.MaybeIshouldn’thavereactedas…stronglyasIhad,
butfuckit.HewasgrabbingyouandIdidn’tlikeit.”

Yeah,Ihadtoldtheguytoletmego,buthe’dbeendrunkandstupid.Allhehadwantedtodowas

dancewithme.Iknewwhenaguybecameathreat.Hehadn’thitthatstage.Whoknewifhewouldhave,
butithadbeenthememoriesthathadsentmeovertheedge.

“Youdidn’tneedtocomehere,”Isaidfinally,suddenlyverytired.“Youshouldbeatthepartyhaving

fun.”

CamwasquietsolongthatIhadtolookathim.Theexpressiononhisfacewasacrossbetween

wantingtostranglemeandsomethingfar,fardifferent.Therewasadippingmotioninmystomach,very
muchlikeithadbeenatthepartybeforeeverythingwenttohell.

“We’refriends,right?”hesaidinaquiet,lowvoice.
“Yes.”
“Thisiswhatfriendsdo.Theycheckoneachother.BrittanyandJacobwould’vebeenhere,butImade

themstaythere.”

MaybeItotallymisreadthatmomentwewerehaving.“Ineedtogetmyphoneandcall—”
“I’lltextBrittany.Igothernumber.”Herockedbackonhisheels,watchingme.“Thefactthatyou

wouldn’texpectanyonetocheckuponyouis…Idon’tevenknowwhatitis.”

Ididn’tsayanythingandstartedtolookaway,buthishandcameup,restingagainstmycheek.His

thumbmoved,smoothingacrossmyskin.Oureyesmet,andIwishedIhadsomethingwittytosay,
somethingthatwoulderasethisnight.Well,everythingexceptthewayhe’dlookedatmeattheparty.I
sortoflikedthat.

Okay.Ihadreallylikedthat,butwhatever.
“Whywereyoucrying?”heasked.“Wait.Didthatfuckerhurtyou,becauseIwill—”
“No!Notatall,”Isaidquickly.Ihadafeelinghe’dtrackthatguydownandbeatthecrapoutofhimif

hethoughthe’dhurtme.

“Thenwhy?”Histhumbmovedagain,andImovedoutofsomelongforgotteninstinct.Iturnedmy

headintohispalm.“Talktome?”

Talkingwassoeasyformostpeople,butmostpeoplehadthingstheyactuallywantedtotalkabout.“I

don’tknow.IguessIwasjustbeingagirl.”

Hisbrowsrose.“Yousurethat’sall?”
“Yes,”Iwhispered.
Hedidn’tsayanythingagainforanotherlongmoment.Instead,hiseyesmovedovermyfaceinaslow

perusal.“Youokay?”

Inodded.
Hishandmoveddownandhisthumbbrushedtheedgeofmylip.Isuckedinasharpbreath,becoming

hyperawareofhowclosewewere.Strange,Irealized.Ihadwantedsomethingtosaytomakethenight
disappear,butitwasn’tnecessarilywordsIneeded.

Atouch,asinglelookwasjustaspowerful.
Iwasn’tthinkingofanythingbuthiminthatmoment.TherewasafreedominthatIhadn’texperienced

before.

HisgazewascenteredonmylipsandassoonasIrealizedthat,myheartkickedup,sendingmyblood

rushing.Therewasn’talotofspaceseparatingus.Allhe’dhavetodoismovetwoorthreeinchesand
thatwouldbeit.

Thenhisgazeflickedup.
CamclosedthelittledistancebetweenusbeforeIhadachancetomoveaway.Myheartleaptinmy

chestatthethoughtthathemightkissme,thatIwasliterallysecondsawayfrommyfirstkiss,andIhadno
ideawhattodo.MymouthfeltfunnyafterallthecryingandIwassittingonatoilet,whichprobably
wasn’tthemostromanticofallsettings.

Buthedidn’tkissme.Hepressedhisforeheadagainstmineandletoutaraggedbreaththatsmelledof

mint.“Youdrivemefuckinginsanesometimes.”

Idrovemyselffuckinginsane.“Sorry?”
Campulledbackalittle,hiseyessearchingmyface.“Don’trunofflikethatagain,okay?Iwas

worriedshitlesswhenIcouldn’tfindyouandnooneknewwhereyouwere.”

Ialmostapologizedagain,butapologieswerereallylikewishes.Therewereanabundanceofbothin

mylifeandneitherreallymadeadifference.SoIdidsomethingIdon’teventhinkI’deverdone,noteven
before.

Scootingforward,Ipressedmylipstohissmoothcheek.Hiseyeswidened,andIinchedback.Under

hisintensestare,Iwonderedifthathadbeenthewrongthingtodo.

Camstartedtomoveforwardandthenstopped.Hiseyesweresolargeandtheyweretrulybeautiful,

uniqueinthewaythehueseemedtodeepenanddarken.“Avery?”

Iswallowed.“Cam?”
Hedidn’tgivemehislopsidedgrinorshowoffhisonedimple.“Gooutonadatewithme.”
TherewasatugginginmychestandIwasremindedofthatmomentwhenhe’dcomebacktocampus

earlyafterfallbreakandhadcomestraighttomyapartment.Somethinghadcrackedinsidemethenandit
didsonow,likeawallof…reservation.Thepartyhadn’tworkedout,butCam…hewasdifferent.He’d
alwaysbeendifferent.

Andhewashere.Thathadtomeansomething.Itsurefeltlikeitdid.
MybrainwastellingmethiswasabadideaandItoldmybraintoshutthefuckup,becauseitrarely

toldmeanythinghelpful.Itookabreath,oneIdidn’tneed.“Yes.”

#

JacobsatacrossfromBrittanyandmeinthesmallcoffeeshopintown,rockingapairofdarkshades

andthebowlerhatfromhisHalloweencostume.ThethreeofushadskippedHistory.Ithadbeenhisidea,
andhonestly,Iwaswaytoowiredtobesittinginclass.Besides,theonlyclassI’dmissedallsemester
hadbeenthefirstdayofastronomy.Skippingonemoretime,evenifitwasmymajor,couldn’tbethatbig
ofacrime.

Hegroanedashesippedhislatte.“WhoeverletmedrinkasmuchasIdidlastnightshouldbe

smackedintheface.”

IglancedatBritasIpickedatmychocolatechipscone.Sheshothimasheepishlook.“Well,youlet

mespend‘qualitytime’withJimmie,sowhatever.”

“Andhowdidthatgo?”heasked,slidinghisglassesdownandpinningherwithbloodshoteyes.“You

lookedlikeyouwerewalkingalittlefunnytothecar.”Britsnorted.“Yeah,you’regivingJimmiewaytoo
muchcredit.IleftwithyouandwhenJimmiedidtextmelater,becausehello,whywouldn’the?Ididn’t
answer.Iwasagoodgirl.”

“Good,becauseiftheguyisn’tmakingyouwalkfunnyaftersex,thenheprobablyisn’tanythingto

writehometomomabout.”Jacobshiftedhisgazetome.“Butyou,missy,I’mstilltickedatyou.”

“SoamI,”Britjoinedin,smackingmyarmasIreachedformyhotchocolate.“Youscaredtheshitout

ofmelastnight.Ithoughtyouhadbeenkidnapped.”

“Ireallyamsorryforthat.Iwenthomeandleftmyphoneinthecar.”WhenIthoughtshewouldn’t

whackmeagain,Iwrappedmyfingersaroundmycup.“Idofeelterrible.Ididn’twanteitherofyouto
worry.”

“Well,wedid…”Hegrinned.“Whenwerealizedyouweremissing.Thattookaboutanhourorso.”
Britmadeafaceasshenodded.“That’strue.Soifyouwerekidnapped,well,thatwould’vesucked.”
Ilaughed,almostchokingonmydrink.“Wow.Idon’tknowifIshouldfeellessguiltynow.”
“Yeah,we’reshittyfriends.”Jacobsatback,tippinghishatup.“Exceptwetotallyredeemedourselves

byinvolvingCam.”

Myheartdidthatcartwheelagain.
“Wereallythoughtyouwerewithhim,”Britsaid,sneakingapieceofmyscone.“That’swhyittookus

solong,butthenwesawhimcomingoutofoneoftheroomswithJaseandOllie.”

“Hewasreallyworriedwhenweaskedifhe’dseenyou.”Jacobrubbedtheskinabovehisbrows.

“HewentrightouttherewithOllieandstartedlookingforyourcar.”

Britnoddedassheeyedmyscone.“Itwaskindofromantic,especiallysinceyouweren’tlyingdead

anywhere.”

IlaughedasIslidthesconetowardher.
“Andthenherushedoff,likeaknightinshiningarmor,leavingthepartyandoneveryunhappyLittle

SkankyRedRidingHoodbehind.”Britdugintothesconehappily.“Seriously,Avery,Iknowyou’re
sayingyou’renottakinghardtogettoawholenewlevel,butyouneedtogooutwithhim.”

“Iam,”Isaidquietly,holdingontomyhotchocolate.
“Becausehe’snotgoingtokeepasking,”shecontinuedblithely.“He’sgoingtomoveonandyou’re

goingtobesittinginyourapartment,cryingyourlittleheartoutand—”

“Brit,shutitforasecond.”Jacobleanedforwardandslidhissunglassesdown.“Wait.Didyoujust

sayyouweregoingoutwithhim?”

“Yeah.”Nowmyheartdidabackflip.Justtalkingaboutitfilledmewithanabsurdamountof

nervousness.“HeaskedmeagainandIsaidyes.”

Britloweredmysconefromhermouth,hereyeswide.“What?Whendidthishappen?”
“Lastnight,”Ianswered.
“Whenhelefttocheckonyou?”Jacobasked.
Inodded.
“Holyshit,”Britwhispered.“You’regoingoutwithCam.”
“Onadate,”Iadded.“It’sreallynotthatbigofadeal.”
Ofcourse,itwasabigdealtome.Thiswouldbemyfirstdate—thiswashuge.NowaywasIsharing

thatlittletidbitwiththem.ItwasbadenoughthatCamalreadyknewthatembarrassingsecret.

“IwouldbeclappinglikeasealrightnowifIweren’tsofuckinghungover,justsoyouknow.Inside,I

amdoinghappyjumpingjacksforyouwithglitterypompoms.”JacoblaughedatthefaceImade.“It’s
abouttime.He’sonlybeenaskingyououtfor…?”

Ishrugged.“Notthatlong.”
Britgapedatmeandapieceofsconehitthetable,causingmetogiggle.“He’sbeenaskingyouout

sincetheendofAugust.ItisthefirstdayofNovember,Avery,justincaseyoucan’ttelltime.Mostguys
don’tevenrememberagirl’snameduringthatlengthoftime.”

Mybrowsrose.
“It’strue,”Jacobcommented.“Iforgetyournameaboutonceaweek.”
Ilaughed.
“Sowhenareyouguysgoingout?”sheasked,tuggingherponytaildownandthenredoingit.“Whatare

youdoing?”

IwasprettysurethatmyheartwasnowdoingthejumpingjacksthatJacobclaimedweregoingon

insidehim.“We’renotgoingoutuntilnextweekend.He’sgotapaperhe’sgottowritethisweekendand
he’salreadygotplanswithOllie—somethingaboutoneofthosemixedmartialartsfightsonpayper
view.”Camhadinvitedmetocomeoverthen,butitseemedlikeitwasaguynight.“Ithinkwe’regoing
tosomerestaurantinHagerstownnextSaturday.”

Brit’seyeslitup.“Oh,myGod,girl,wesohavetonsoftimetogetready.”
“Ineedaweektogetready?”
Herheadbobbedvigorously.“You’vegottogetyourhairdone,yournailsdone,andthenyoushould

getwaxed,youknow,down—”

“Alright,whenyouguysstarttalkingaboutwaxingunmentionableplaces,that’smycuetogetthehell

outofhere.”Jacobgrabbedhisbagandstood.Stoppingbyme,hekissedmycheek.“Seriously,it’sabout
time.”

MycheekswarmedandImurmured“Thanks,”butdidn’treallyknowwhybecauseitseemedlikea

weirdtimetosaythankyou.

AfterJacobstumbledoutthedoor,Britpickeduphercup.“Seriousmoment?”
“Okay.”IfiguredIwasabouttogetadetailedlessononBrazilianwaxesandpreparedmyself.
Brittwistedtowardmeandwhenshespoke,hervoicewasuncharacteristicallylow.“Lastnightatthe

party,whenthatguytriedtodancewithyou…”

Uh-oh.Mystomachshotstraighttomytoes.“Yeah?”
“Whathappenedbetweenyoutwo?”Shewettedherlips.“Isawhimgrabbingyou.”
Ilookedaway,swallowingagainstthesuddennauseousfeeling.“That’sallhedid.Hejustsurprised

meandIoverreacted.Ifeellikeatotalidiot.”

Britsuckedherlipin-betweenherteethasshewatchedme.“Notthatsomeguygrabbingyouiscool,

becauseit’snotandalthoughitfreakinghappensatpartiesallthetime,it’sreallyannoying.”Shepaused.
“Whydidyouoverreact?”

Shiftinginmychair,Islidmyhandsovermythighs.“LikeIsaid,Iwasjustsurprised.Hecaughtme

offguard.”

“Hecaughtyouoffguard…”sherepeatedandthentookadeepbreath.“Okay.I’mgoingtobereal

withyou.That’swhatfriendsdo,right?”

Uneaseroseswiftly,snakingitswaythroughme.“Right.”
Therewasapause.“Isawyourface,Avery.Youwerescaredoutofyourmind.Itwasn’tjustbeing

caughtoffguardorbecauseyoudon’tgotoparties.AndI’mnottryingtobeignorantbysayingthis,so
pleaseGoddon’ttakeitthatway,butthat’snotanormalreaction.”

Notanormalreaction.Didn’tIknowthat?IglancedatherandallofasuddenIwantedtotellherthe

truth—tellhereverything.Theneedwasinexplicableandrodemehard.Itcameup,makingittothetipof
mytongue.Yearsworthofsilencehungintheairbetweenus.Britwaitedwithanopenlooketchedupon
herfaceandalready,beforeIevenopenedmymouth,Icouldseeitinhereyesandinthetautpullaround
herlips.Shewasn’tstupid.Shesuspectedsomething,maybeeventheworst.Sympathy.Maybeevenpity
shoneinhereyes.

“Did…didsomethinghappentoyou,Avery?”sheaskedquietly.
Theneedtotellher,totellsomeonedeflatedlikeaballoonwithatinypinprickinit.Mygazeshifted

tothewindowandbeyond,tothecongestedstreetoutside.Ishookmyhead.“No,nothinghashappenedto
me.”

Chapter15

Britdidn’tbringtheconversationupagainafterthatmorninginthecoffeeshopandlikeJacobhad

promised,thefollowingday,he’dbeenexcessivelyexcited—jumping,clapping,doingalittledance—
overtheupcomingdatewithCam.OnewouldthinkJacobwasactuallygoingoutwithhim.

Itriednottoobsessoverthedateasimpossibleasthatwas.Evenhardertonotthinkaboutitevery

timeIwasaroundCam.Nothinghadchangedbetweenusbuteverythinghadinaway.Whenhesatbeside
meinclass,Ibecameabsurdlyawareofhim.Eachtimehemovedandhislegorarmbrushedmine,a
pricklingsensationwouldwashovermyentirebodyandwouldlasttherestofthehour.Iwasn’tsureifhe
noticedandIreallyhopedhehadn’t.

Overthenextweek,anearlydeepfreezehadsettledoverthePanhandle.Thetreeswerebareandthe

windoffthePotomacrattledthemlikehollow,drybones,andithadbeenalongtimesinceI’dbeenin
thiskindofweather.NomatterhowmuchIbundledup,IfeltlikeIwasinAlaskaeverytimeIwalkedto
class.

TheFridaybeforethe‘bignight’Camwasinanoddmood,actuallytakingnotesinclass.
“Lookatyou,”ImurmuredasProfessorDrageflippedthroughpicturesoftheMilkyWayonthe

projector.“You’repayingattention.”

Camsentmeasidelongglance.“Ialwayspayattention.”
“Uh-huh.”
Hetwirledhispenbetweenhisfingers,keepinghiseyesgluedtoDrage.“You’dfailifitweren’tfor

me.”

Mylipscurvedup.“I’dbeabletoconcentratemoreifitweren’tforyou.”
“Isthatso?”Heleanedinsothathisshoulderpressedintomine.Watchingthefrontoftheclassfora

moment,hethenturned.Whenhespoke,hislipsbrushedmytemple,causingheattorisetomyskin.“Why
doyoufindmesodistracting,sweetheart?”

“Notthewayyouthink,”Isaid,whichwasalie.
“Keeptellingyourselfthat.”
“Onedayyouregoisgoingtomakeyourheadimplode.”
“Idoubtthatdaywillevercome,”hereplied,andthenwiththeedgeofhispen,hetraileditacrossthe

backofmyrighthand,rightuptotheedgeofmysweater.“Isthatdistracting?”

Atatotallossforwords,myfingersstilledaroundmypen.
“Isit?”Thepenmovedbackdownmyhand,overmyknuckles.“Didyoupickuphowmanystarsmake

upOrion’sbelt?No?”Thepenwasonthemoveagain,andwhoknewapencouldbeso…sosensual.
“Therearethreestarsthatmakeupthebelt,sweetheart.”

Ibitdownonmylip.
Asoft,lowrumbleemanatedfromhischest.“That’sfuckingdistracting,”hemurmured,“wheneveryou

dothat.”

Myeyeswidenedastheairpushedfrommylungs.
Hechuckleddeeply,andadelicateshivercourseddownmyspine.“Youknowwhat?”
“What?”Iwhispered.
Camshiftedcloser,actinglikehewasstretching.Itensed,havingnoideawhathewasupto.Hisarm

camebehindmeandthenhislipswerewarmandfirmagainstmyskin,belowmyear.Apulseshot
throughme,unnervingandsomethingelse—somethingexciting.

Hislipscurvedagainstme,andIshuddered.“Icannotwaitfortomorrownight.”
Suckinginadeepbreath,Iclosedmyeyes.Camchuckledagainandsettledbackinhisseat,eyeson

thefrontoftheclass,penscribblingacrosshisnotebook.Iwassodonewithclass.Nothingwasgetting
throughthefogthatwasmybrainnowandIwasso,soincrediblyinovermyheadwithhim.

#

BritandIspenttheafternoongettingournailsdone.IthadbeensolongsinceI’dhadamanicureanda

pedicure,thatIforgothowincrediblyboredIgotduringtheprocedureandhowoncetherewaswetnail
polishgleamingonmynails,IwantedtotoucheverythingIlaideyeson.

“Areyounervous?”Britaskedasshewiggledherhotpinktoenails.
Resistingtheurgetopullmyhandsoutfromthelampsandthroughmyhair,Inoddedvigorously.“Yes,

I’mnervous.Doesthatmakemelame?BecauseifsoIamthequeenoflamerightnow.”

Shegiggled.“Idon’tthinkso.Beingnervousmeansyou’reexcited.Hell,I’mexcited!I’msoliving

vicariouslythroughyou.Youhavetocallmeimmediatelyafterwardtonight.”Aslylookcrossedherface.
“Unlesstonightturnsintotomorrow…”

Mymouthdroppedopen.
Anotherfitofgigglestookherasshepressedbackinherchair.“Okay.Idoubtthat’sgoingtohappen,

butyouneedtocallmerightaway.Ihavetoknowifhe’sagoodkisser.”

“Howdoyouknowifwe’regoingtokiss?”
“Seriously?”shesaid,gapingatme.“He’ssogoingtokissyou.”
Mystomachdidthedippingthing.“Maybenot.”
“Oh,no,he’sgoingtokissyou.He’sprobablygoingtowanttodolots,lotsmore,buthe’llkissyou.I

justknowit.”Britletoutasquealthatbroughtanervousgrintomyface.“Ibethe’sanawesomekisser.”

IfIhadtobasehiskissingskillsoffwhatIalreadyknewofhim,I’dhavetosayhewasprobablya

greatkisser,especiallyifhecouldhavemedamnnearsquirminginmyseatjustbyrunningapenalongmy
hand.Itwaslikeforeplay…withapen.

Igiggled.
Afterthemaniandpedi,BritmademepromiseoncemorethatI’dcallherassoonasIcouldaftermy

dateandthenIheadedbacktomyapartment.Carefulwithmyshinypurplenails,Itookthelongestshower
inmylifeandthenwentthroughmyentirecloset.EverytimeIlookedatthetimeandsawitgettingcloser
andclosertoseven,Ifeltmyheartthrowitselfagainstmyribslikeitwasjustabouttoclimboutofmy
chest.

Ihadmywholefreakingclosetonmybedandhalfonmyfloor.Seemedkindofstupidtobethis

indecisiveaboutwhattowear,butIhonestlyhadnoidea.Finally,afteralmostbreakingdownandcalling
Britforadvice,Isettledonapairofskinnyjeanstuckedintoblackbootsandadeepgreencapsleeve
blousethatwasalittledressyandflirty.

Itookthesameamountoftimeonmymakeupandhair,justasbadasithadbeenwhenhe’dcomeover

towatchmovies.ItstruckmefunnyasIappliedmascarathatI’dbethisconcernedwithmyappearance
whenhealwayssawmelookinglikearag-a-muffinonSundayswhenhecameovertocookeggs.

OhmyGod,tomorrowwasSunday,whichwasabigduh,becausethatdayalwayscameafter

Saturday,buttomorrowwouldbeadifferentSunday.Itwouldbethefirstoneafterourdate.Wouldwe
stillbedoingeggs?Whatifthedatedidendupturningintoatomorrowmorningthing?Iwasn’tnaive.
Camcouldeasilyexpectthatthisdatewasgoingtoleadsomewhere.

Inmyreflection,myeyeswereunnaturallywideinthemirrorandthemascarawandwasdangerously

closetomyeyeball.

ThedatewassonotleadingtomybedroombecauseitlookedlikeOldNavyhadthrownupinthere.
Okay.Iwasbeingstupid.Tomorrowwouldbenodifferentthantoday.Tonightwasnotgoingto

becomeasex-fueledall-nighterforseveralreasons.AndtherewasnoreasonformetoactlikeIhadno

ideathatSundaywasthedayafterSaturday.

FinishingmylittlecometoJesuspeptalk,Iforcedmyselfoutofthebathroom.Thenervousexcitement

hummingthroughmyveinswasn’tabadfeeling.Itwasquite…different,likeagoodkindofanxiousness.
Iwasliterallytwosecondsawayfromdoingalittleassshakingjiginthemiddleofmylivingroomwhen
Camshowedup.

Hesteppedintomyapartment,hisgazestartingatthetopofmyheadandmakingitallthewaydownto

thepointytipsofmyblackboots.AmazinghowalookcouldfeellikeatouchandIfeltitinawaythatput
myearlieredginesstoshame.

Camclearedhisthroat.“Youlook…really,reallygreat.”
Iflushed.“Thankyou.Sodoyou.”
Andthatwasthefreakingtruth.Camwasjustindarkjeans,ablackv-necksweaterthatstretched

acrosshisbroadshouldersandwithhisdarkhairtumblingoverhisforeheadandtheslighthalfgrinonhis
face,hewasabsolutelystunning.Somuchso,IsortofwonderedwhatIwasdoinghere,abouttogoout
onadatewithhim.

“Youready?Gotajacket?”
Snappingoutofit,Inoddedandracedbacktomybedroom,nearlyeatingthefloorwhenmyheel

snaggedinasweater.IgrabbedmycoatandsliditonasIjoinedhim.Amusementglimmeredinhiseyes
ashepickedmypurseupoffthebackofthecouch.Feelingaboutninekindsofawkward,Ithankedhim.

“Ready,”Isaid,breathless.
“Notquiteyet.”Camreachedoutandstartedpushingthelargebuttonsonmycoatthroughtheholes.

“It’sfreezingoutside.”

Ijuststoodthere,absolutelystillandenthralledbythesimpleact.He’dstartedatthebottomandashe

workedhiswayup,mypulsethudded.Iheldmybreathashenearedmychest.Thesidesofhishands
brushedacrossthefrontofmycoatandIstiffened.Layersofclothingvanishedasanunexpectedjoltof
heatshottothetipsofmybreasts.

“Perfect,”hemurmured.Throughhislashes,hiseyeswereaheated,startlingcobalt.“Nowwe’re

ready.”

AllIcoulddowasstareathimforamomentandthenIhadtoforcemylegs,whichfeltwobbly,

forward.Themomentwesteppedoutintothehall,Cam’sapartmentdoorflungopen.

Ollieappeared,acellphoneinonehandandRaphaelwigglingintheother.“Smile!”heshoutedashe

snappedapictureonhisphone.“It’slikemytwokidsaregoingtoprom.”

BothCamandIweredumbstruck.
Olliebeamed.“Puttingthisinmyscrapbook.Havefun!”Hepoppedbackintotheirapartment,closing

thedoorbehindhim.

“Um…”
Camlaughedloudly.“OhGod,thatwasdifferent.”
“Hedoesn’tnormallydothat?”
“No.”Helaughedagain,puttinghishandonmylowerback.“Let’sgetoutofherebeforehetriestogo

alongwithus.”

Igrinned.“WithRaphael?”
“Raphaelwouldbewelcomed.Ollie,however,wouldnotbe.”Hegrinnedaswehitthesteps.“The

lastthingI’dwantisforyoutobedistractedonthisdate.”

Distracted?Ialreadywas.

Chapter16

Bythetimethebreadarrivedwithourdrinksandwasplacedontheglossysquaretablebetweenus,

I’dgottenbettercontrolofmybreathing.Thenervousnessreturnedinthetruckridetotherestaurant,
thoughCamdidn’tseemtonoticeandwascompletelyatease.

IspentwaytoomuchtimepouringoverthemenuasIresistedtheurgetostartchewingonmypretty

nails.

CamnudgedmeunderthetablewithhisfootandIlookedup.“What?”
Henoddedtomyleft,andIsawthewaiterstandingtherewithasmile.“Oh,um,canIgetthe…”I

pickedthefirstthingmyeyescenteredon.“Chickenmarsala?”

ThewaiterscribbledthatdownandthenCamorderedasteak,mediumrarewithasidesalad,and

bakedpotato.Whenthewaiterleft,Camwentforthebread.“Wantapiece?”

“Sure.”IhopedIdidn’tchokeonit.Iwatchedhimsliceapieceinhalfandthenbutteritup.“Thank

you.”

Hearchedabrow,butsaidnothingasInibbledthebread,atinypieceatatime.Irackedmybrainfor

something,anythingtosay.Itdidn’tevenhavetobeinteresting.Ijustneededtospeak.Forsomereason,
theconversationhe’dhadwithOllieresurfacedandIlatchedontoit.“Doyouplayanysports?”

Camblinkedasifcaughtoffguard.
Iflushed.“Sorry.That’sreallyrandom.”
“It’sokay.”Hechewedthebreadslowly.“Iusedtoplay.”
Thankfulthathewasplayingalong,Irelaxedalittle.“Whatsport?”
Hecutoffanothersliceofbread.“Iplayedsoccer.”
“Really?”Whywereallsoccerplayershot?Wasitsomekindofuniversallawofsoccer?“What

position?”

EventhoughIknewCamprobablysuspectedIdidn’tknowsquataboutsoccer,hewentalongwithit.

“Iwasastriker,whichisamiddleplayerposition.”

“Oh!”InoddedlikeIhadacluewhatanyofthatmeant.
Camflashedthatdimple.“ThatmeansIdidalotofscoring.”
“Soyouweregood?”
“Iwasdecent.Hadtobefast,soalotofrunning.”
That’sprettymuchallIknewaboutsoccer—alotofrunning.“Didyouplayinhighschool?”
“Highschool,recleague,andmyfirstyearofcollege.”
Idaredanotherbiteofbread.Sofarsogood.“Why’dyoustop?”
Camopenedhismouth,butthenclosedit.Staringovermyshoulder,severalmomentspassedbeforehe

shrugged.“JustnotsomethingIwantedtodoanymore.”

Iwasthequeenofgivingevasiveanswers,soIknewonewhenIheardone.AndIsowantedtodig

deeperandfindoutmore,butIhadgiventhesamelameanswerwhenhe’daskedmeaboutdancing.I
wasn’treallyinthepositiontopush.

Hisultrabrightgazesettledonmeandinthedimlighting,Ifeltmyfaceturnadeepershadeofpink.

Jesus,Ineededtostopblushing.

Hechuckled,andIwantedtothrowmybreadinhisface.“Avery…”
“Cam?”
Heleanedoverontothetableandthesmallcandleinthecentersentdancingshadowsacrosshisface.

“Youdon’thavetobesonervous.”

“I’mnot.”

Hisbrowsrose.
Isighed.“Okay.Iam.Sorry.”
“Whyareyouapologizing?Youdon’tneedto.Thisisyourfirstdate.”
“Thanksforremindingme,”Imuttered.
Hislipstwitchedasifhewishedtosmile.“It’snotabadthing.You’regoingtobenervous.”
“You’renot.”
“That’sbecauseI’mawesome.”
Irolledmyeyes.
Helaughed,andthesoundwasdeepandrich.“Youjustdon’thavetobe.Iwanttobeherewithyou,

Avery.Youdon’thavetoworryaboutimpressingmeorwowingme.You’vealreadydonethat.”

“That’s…”Ishookmyhead,ignoringthelumpinmythroat.Istaredathim.“You’rejustso…Idon’t

know.Youjustknowwhattosayto…”

“To?”
Ituckedmyhairbackandthendroppedmyhandinmylap.Itwasshaking.“Youjustsaytheright

stuff.”

“It’sbecauseI’m—”
“Awesome,”Isupplied.“Iknowthat.”
Camleanedback.“Iwasn’tgoingtosaythat,butI’mgladyou’restartingtorealizemyawesomeness.”
“Thenwhatwereyougoingtosay?”
“ThatIsaidthatbecauseit’strueandIwantto.”
“Whyme?”Iblurtedout,andthenclosedmyeyesbriefly.“Okay.Don’tanswerthat.”
Thefoodarrivedjustthen—thankGod—andtheconversationwasdeterred…forabouttwominutes.

“I’mgoingtoanswerthatquestion,”Camsaid,peeringatmethroughhislashes.

Iwantedtoface-plantmystuffedchicken.“Youdon’thaveto.”
“No,IthinkIdo.”
Clenchingmysilverware,Idrewinadeepbreath.“Iknowit’sastupidquestiontoask,butyou’re

gorgeous,Cam.You’reniceandyou’refunny.You’resmart.I’vebeenturningyoudownfortwomonths.
Youcouldgooutwithanyone,butyou’reherewithme.”

“Yes,Iam.”
“Withthegirlwho’sneverbeenoutonadatebefore,”Iadded,lookinghimdeadon.“Itjustdoesn’t

seemreal.”

“Okay.”Hecutoffapieceofsteak.“I’mherewithyoubecauseIwanttobe—becauseIlikeyou.Ah

—letmefinish.I’vealreadytoldyou.You’redifferent—inagoodwaysogetthatlookoffyourface.”

Myeyesnarrowed.
Hegrinned.“AndI’lladmit,someofthetimesIaskedyouout,Iknewyouweren’tgoingtosayyes.

AndmaybewhileIwasn’talwaysbeingseriouswhenIdid,Iwasalwaysseriousaboutwantingtotake
youout.Yougetthat?”

Um,notreally,butInodded.
“AndIlikehangingoutwithyou.”Hepoppedapieceofsteakintohismouth.“Andhey,IthinkI’ma

prettydamngoodcatchforyourfirstdate.”

“OhmyGod.”Ilaughed.“Ican’tbelieveyoujustsaidyouwereagoodcatch.”
Heshruggedoneshoulder.“Iam.NoweatyourchickenbeforeIdo.”
Smiling,Istartedtopickitapart,goingforthestuffedpartfirst.Withtheexceptionofaskingastupid

question,myfirstdatewasgoingwell.CamstartedsteeringthequestionsandIwasn’tamutejustsitting
here.Though,everysooften,ourgazeswouldlockandI’dforgetwhatIwasdoingorcompletelylose

trackofwhathewassaying.ButIwashavingagoodtime—IwasenjoyingmyselfandCam.Andthebest
part?Iwasn’tthinkingbeyondrightnow.Iwasjust…hereanditwasaniceplacetobe.

Towardtheendofdinner,Camasked,“So,whatareyoudoingforThanksgiving?Goingbackhometo

Texas?”

Isnorted.“No.”
Hisbrowsknitted.“You’renotgoinghome?”
Finishingoffmychicken,Ishookmyhead.“I’mstayinghere.Areyougoinghome?”
“I’mgoinghome,notsureexactlywhen.”Hepickeduphisglass.“You’reseriouslynotgoinghomeat

all?It’smorethanaweek—ninedays.Youhavetime.”

“Myparents…aretraveling,soI’mstayinghere.”Thatwasn’tahugelie.Aroundthistimeofyear,

betweenThanksgivingandChristmas,myparentstookcruisesorwentonskitrips.“Doyourparentsdo
thebigThanksgivingdinner?”

“Yeah,”hemurmured,hisgazefallingtohisemptyplate.
Conversationlulledalittleatthatpointandasthecheckarrived,Camdidn’tseemlikehewantedto

linger.Thenightairwasbeyondchillyandourbreathsformedpuffy,mistywhiteclouds.Afiercewind
kickedup,pickingupmyhairandthrowingitaroundmyface.Ishiveredandhunkereddowninmyjacket.

“Cold?”
“It’snotTexas,”Iadmitted.
Camchuckledandsteppedcloser,droppinghisarmovermyshoulders.Hisbodywarmthimmediately

slippedovermineandIworkedhardatnottensingandfallingflatonmyass.“Better?”heasked.

AllIcoulddowasnod.
Onceoutofthebrutalwind,Ibuckledmyselfin.Camclimbedin,startedtheengineandthensmacked

hishandstogether,rubbingthem.Heglancedoveratme.“Didyouhaveagooddinner?”

“Yes.Andthankyouforthefood.Imean,dinner.Thankyou,”Istumbledovermywords,closingmy

eyes.“Thankyou.”

“You’rewelcome.”Amusementcoloredhistone.“Thankyouforfinallyagreeingtoletmetakeyou

out.”

Heturnedtheradioonafterthat,notloudenoughthatwecouldn’ttalk,butIwastoobusyfocusingon

importantstuff.SomewherebetweenHagerstownandUniversityHeights,Ihadmadeanextremely
importantdecision.

IfCamkissedme,Iwouldnotfreak.
Nope.Nope.Nope.
Iwouldactlikeafuckingnineteen-year-oldgirlwithaniotaofexperienceandnotfreak.Thenagain,

hemightnotkissme.Hemight’verealizedatsomepointduringourdatethatIwasn’tkiss-worthyand
hightailhisassbacktohisapartmenttohangoutwithOllieandRaphael.Andifso,thatwouldbeokay.I
wouldbeokaywiththat.

Butwhenwegotbacktoourapartmentbuildingandaswereachedthefifthfloor,IrealizedIdidn’t

wantthenighttobeoveryet.Westoppedinfrontofmydoor,andIturnedtofacehim,twistingmyfingers
alongthestrapofmypurse.

Hislipsquirkedupononeside.“So…”
“Wouldyouliketocomein?Forsomethingtodrink?Ihavecoffeeorhotchocolate.”Hotchocolate?

Seriously?WasItwelve?Fuckme.“Idon’thaveanybeeroranythingmore—”

“Hotchocolatewouldbegood,”hecutin.“Onlyifyouhavethekindwiththosetinymarshmallows.”
MylipsspreadintoasmileandIdidn’tcarehowbigorgoofyitlooked.“Ido.”
“Thenleadtheway,sweetheart.”

Heartpumping,Iletusintomyapartmentandturnedonthelampbesidethecouch.Sheddingmyjacket,

Iheadedintothekitchen.CamsatonthecouchwhileIwhippedusupsomehotchocolate.Whilethe
waterheatedup,Iyankedoffmyshoes.Ibroughttwosteamingcupsback.

“Thankyou.”Hetookone.“Gotaquestionforyou.”
“Okay.”Isatfacinghim,tuckingmylegsunderme.
Hetookasip.“Sobasedonyourfirstdateexperience,wouldyougooutonasecond?”
Apleasantfeelinghummedinmychest.“Likeasecondingeneral?”
“Ingeneral.”
Ishruggedandthentriedsomeofmyhotchocolate.“Well,thiswasaverygoodfirstdate.Ifsecond

dateswerelikethis,thenIguessIwould.”

“Hmm.Withjustanyoneor…?”
Mylasheslowered.“Notwithjustanyone.”
“Soitwouldhavetobesomeoneinparticular?”
Thepleasantfeelingspreadintomylimbs.“Ithinkitwouldhavetobe.”
“Interesting,”hemurmured,takinganotherdrink.Whenhelookedatme,hiseyespositivelytwinkled.

Christ.Iwasscrewed.Eyesweretwinklingatme.“Isthissomeoneinparticulargoingtohavetowait
anothertwomonthsiftheyaskyouout?”

Icouldn’tfightthesmile,soItookadrink.“Depends.”
“On?”
“Mymood.”
Camchuckled.“Getready.”
“Okay.”
“I’mgoingtoaskyououtagain—notdinner,becauseIliketochangethingsup.It’stothemovies.”
Ipretendedtothinkaboutit,butIalreadyknewI’dsayyes.Mightbeadumbmoveorpointless,butI

wantedtogooutonanotherdatewithhim.“Movies?”

Henodded.“Butit’sadrive-inmovie,oneofthelastonesaround.”
“Outside?”
“Yep.”Hisgrinspread.“Don’tworry.I’dkeepyouwarm.”
Ididn’tknowifIshouldgiggleortellhimthatlaststatementwaskindofadorablycorny.“Okay.”
Hisbrowsrose.“Okaytothemovies?”
Bitingdownonmylip,Inodded.
“Seriouslyitisn’tgoingtotakemeanothertwomonths?”
Ishookmyhead.
Camlookedaway,laughingunderhisbreath.“Okay.HowaboutWednesday?”
“NextWednesday?”
“Nope.”
Isatmyhotchocolatedownonthecoffeetable.“ThefollowingWednesday?”
“Yep.”
Countingthedaysdown,Iendedupfrowning.“Wait.That’stheWednesdaybeforeThanksgiving.”
“Itis.”
Istaredathim.“Cam,aren’tyougoinghome?”
“Iam.”
“When?Afterthemovies,inthemiddleofthenight,orThanksgivingmorning?”
Heshookhishead.“See,thedrive-inmovietheaterisjustoutsideofmyhometown.Abouttenmiles

out.”

Ileanedbackagainstthecouch,confused.“Idon’tunderstand.”
Camfinishedoffthehotchocolateandtwistedtowardme.Hescootedoversoonlyahandfulofinches

separatedus.“Ifyougoonthisdatewithme,you’regoingtohavetogohomewithme.”

“What?’Ishrieked,sittingupstraight.“Gohomewithyou?”
Hepressedhislipstogetherandnoddedhishead.
“Areyouserious?”
“Seriousasmypiercedeardrum,”hesaid.“Comehomewithme.We’llhavefun.”
“Gohomewithyou—toyourparents’house?BasicallyforThanksgiving?”Whenhenoddedagain,I

smackedhimonthearm.“Don’tbestupid,Cam.”

“I’mnotbeingstupid.I’mbeingserious.Myparentswon’tmind.”Hepaused,nosewrinkling.

“Actually,they’dprobablybehappytoseesomeoneotherthanme.Andmymomlikestocookwaytoo
muchfood.Themoremouths,thebetter.”

Therewerenowords.
“Wecanleavewheneveryouwant,butobviouslybeforeWednesdayafternoon.Youfinishingtherest

ofyourhotchocolate?”WhenIshookmyhead,hegrabbedmycup.“Andwecancomebackwhenever.”

Iwatchedhimdrinktherestofmyhotchocolate.“Ican’tgowithyou.”
Heraisedhisbrows.“Whynot?”
“Becauseofahundredobviousreasons,Cam.Yourparentsaregoingtothink—”
“They’renotgoingtothinkanything.”
Ishothimalook.
Hesighed.“Okay.Lookatitthisway.It’sbetterthanyousittinghome,byyourself,allweek.Whatare

yougoingtodo?Sitaroundandread?Andmissme,becauseyou’regoingtomissme.AndthenI’mgoing
tohavespendmostofmytimetextingyouandfeelingbadthatyou’resittinghome,allalone,andcan’t
eveneatMcDonaldsbecausethey’reclosedonThanksgiving.”

“Idon’twantyoutofeelsorryforme.It’snotabigdeal.Ihavenoproblemstayinghere.”
“Idon’twantyousittingherealoneandyou’remakingthisintoabigdeal.I’mafriendaskingafriend

tocomehangoutwithmeoverThanksgivingbreak.”

“You’reafriendwhojusttookafriendoutonadate!”
“Ah,”hesaid,sittingmycupdown.“That’sagoodpoint.”
Shakingmyhead,Ipickedupapillow,holdingittomychest.“Ican’tdothat.Visitingfamilyoverthe

holidays?That’swaytoo—”

“Fast?”hesupplied.
“Yes.Waytoofast.”
“Well,thenIguessit’sagoodthingthatwe’renotseeingeachotherthen,becauseyes,itwouldbetoo

fastifthatwasthecase.”

“Whatthe,what?”
Campulledthepillowawayandtosseditbehindhim.“YouandIaretwofriendswhowentoutonone

date.Maybetwoifyoucomewithme.We’renotdatingeachother.We’rejustfriendswhohadonedate.
Sowewillbegoingbacktomyhouseasfriends.”

Myheadwasspinning.“Youmakenosense.”
“Imakeperfectsense.Wehaven’tevenkissed,Avery.We’rejustfriends.”
Igapedathim.
Heshruggedoneshoulder.“Comehomewithme,Avery.Ipromiseyouitwon’tbeuncomfortable.My

parentswouldbehappytohaveyou.Youwillhaveagoodtimeanditwillbebetterthanwhatyou’dend
updoinghere.Andnothing,absolutelynothingisexpectedfromyou.Okay?”

Thewordnoformedonmytongue,butforsomereasonitdidn’tcomeoutofmymouth.Mythoughts

racedfromvaguelyentertainingtheideatoflatouttellinghimhewasinsane.Gohomewithhim?That
was…waybetterthanspendingThanksgivingherealone.ItwasbadenoughwhenIdidliveathomeand
myparentsskippedoutoftownwithoutme,butatleastthemaidmademeaturkeydinner.Mrs.Gibson.
She’dbakedmeaturkeyforthelastthreeyears.AndwasMcDonaldsreallyclosed?Man,thatsucked.
ButgoinghomewithCamwasinsane.Hisreasoningmadenosensewhatsoever.Itwaslikebackwards
reasoningorsomething.ItwasrecklessandjustsounlikeanythingI’deverdo.

UnlikeanythingI’deverdo.
Ilookedup,meetinghissteadygaze.Hiseyes…weresuchanastonishingshadeofblue.WasIreally

consideringthis?Myheartstartedthumpinginmychest.Iswallowed.“Yourparentsreallywouldbeokay
withthis?”

Somethingglintedinhiseyes.“I’vebroughtfriendshomebefore.”
“Girls?”
Heshookhishead.
Well,that…thatwasinteresting.“Andyourparentsarereallygoingtothinkwe’rejustfriends?”
“WhywouldIhaveareasontotellthemweweren’tdatingifwewere?IfIsaywe’refriends,that’s

whatthey’llthink.”

Everylogicalpartofmewasscreamingno.“Okay.I’llgohomewithyou.”Oncethewordswereout,I

couldn’ttakethemback.“Thisisaninsaneidea.”

“It’saperfectidea.”Aslowsmilespreadacrosshislips.“Let’shugonit.”
“What?”
“Hugonit.”Thatglintinhiseyeswentupanotch.“Onceyouhugonit,youcan’tgobackonit.”
“OhmyGod,areyouserious?”
“Veryserious.”
Rollingmyeyes,IgrumbledasIroseontomykneesandstretchedmyarmsout.“Alright,let’shugto

sealourdealbeforeIchange—”MywordsendedinasqueakasCam’sarmswentaroundmywaistand
hetuggedmeovertohim.Iendedupsittingrightnexttohim,practicallyonhim,withmyleftlegtangled
betweenhisknees.

Camhuggedme.Itwasn’tatightone,notlikeitwould’vebeenifwewerestanding,butthefactwe

weresoclosethiswayhadsuchapowerfuleffectonme.“Dealissealed,sweetheart.Thanksgivingisat
theHamilton’s.”

IsaidsomethingtotheaffirmativeandasIpulledbackalittle,ourfaceswereperfectlylinedup.AndI

suddenlyunderstoodthatglintinhiseyes.“You…”

Hechuckled,andlowinmystomach,musclestightened.“Smoothmove,huh?Gotyouallthewayover

here.Iwould’vetakenyouonyourword.”

Iwasfightingagrin.“You’resowrong.”
“I’mwronginalltherightways.Ihavetoadmitsomething.”HeregainedthattinydistanceI’dput

betweenus.Hislipsbrushedmycheek,andIfoundithardtoconcentrate.“Iliedearlier.”

“Aboutwhat?”
Hishandsslidtomylowerback.“WhenIsaidyoulookedgreat?Iwasn’tbeingcompletelyhonest.”
ThatwasnotwhatIexpected.Iturnedmyheadtheslightestandthenbitbackagasp.Ourmouthswere

centimetersapartandIthoughtaboutBrit’scertaintythathewouldkissmetonight.Iforcedmytongueto
work.“Youdon’tthinkIlookgreat?”

“No,”hesaid,hisexpressionseriousasonehandfollowedthelineofmyspine,restingbelowthe

edgesofmyhair.Heloweredhisheadsothathistemplepressedagainstmine.“Youlookbeautiful

tonight.”

Mybreathcaught.“Thankyou.”
Hedidn’tsayanythingasheshiftedhishead.Hislipsbrushedthecurveofmycheek,andIstiffenedin

hisarms.Myheartwasthunderingoutofexcitementandadifferentkindofemotion.Fear?WasthatwhatI
tastedinthebackofmythroat?Ithadcomeoutofnowhere,rawandpowerful.Themixtureofthetwo,the
needtostaywhereIwasandtopullawaywasconsuming.

Cam’slipssweptoverthehollowofmycheekandthenhisnosebrushedmine.Hisbreathwaswarm

againstmylipsandsmelledofsweetchocolate.Wouldittastethatway?ThecuriosityroseandIreached
up,puttingmyhandsonhisbiceps.

“Avery?”
Myeyesdriftedshut.“What?”
“You’veneverbeenkissedbefore,right?”
Mypulseexploded.“No.”
“Justsowe’reclear,”hesaid.“Thisisn’takiss.”
Iopenedmymouthandthenhislipswereonmine.Asweetsweepingofhislipsacrossmine,

breathtakinglytenderandsoft,andwaytooquick.

“Youkissedme,”Igasped,myfingersdiggingintohissweater.
“Thatwasn’takiss,”hislipsbrushedmineashespoke.Shiversracedupanddownmyspine.

“Remember?Ifwe’vekissed,thenthatmeansyougoinghomewithmecouldpotentiallymeansomething
moreserious.”

“Oh.Okay.”
“Thisisalsonotakiss.”
Thepressofhislipsthesecondtimeconsumedme,awakenedme.HismouthwasallIcouldthink

about,allIwantedtothinkabout.Awonderfulwarmthslippeddownmyneck,spreadingacrossmychest,
andthenlower,betweenmythighs.Hekissedmegently,tracingthepatternofmylipswithhisown.
Somethingdeepinsidemewasrising,opening,andaching.IclungtohimasheshiftedandIwassuddenly
onmyback.

Camhoveredoverme,thepowerfulmusclesofhisarmsflexingundermyhands.Hismouthwasstill

onmine.NootherpartofourbodiestouchedandIwasn’tsureifIshouldberelievedordisappointedby
that.Buthislips…oh,God,hislipsmovedagainstmine.Istartedtokisshimback,slowerandclumsy
wherehishadbeensure,practiced.IwasworriedIwasdoingitwrong,butthenadeepsoundcamefrom
him,almostagrowlandinstinctivelyIknewitwasasoundofapproval.Ashudderrockeditswaydown
mybody.Theachewasspreading,intensifyinganditwasterrifyinginitsownway.

Hiskissdeepened,coaxingmylipstoopentohis.Mysensesspunashistongueslippedin,licking

overmine.Igaspedatthesensation,andhistonguedelveddeeply.Ifellintothekiss,myfingers
clenchingandmyneckarching.HetastedofchocolateandmanandIwascomingoutmyskinaslust
stirredinthepitofmystomach,followedbyaburstofflutterypanic.Thatwassmoothedawayashis
tongueflickedalongtheroofofmymouth.Whenheliftedhisheadagain,hecaughtmylowerlipbetween
histeethandapleasedwhimperescapedme.Bothofuswerebreathingheavy.

“Stillnotakiss?”Iasked.
Camsatback,pullingmeupintoasittingposition.Hiseyeswerethatintenseblue,hotandsearing.I

feltflushedallover.Mychestroseandfellrapidly.Myhandswerestillattachedtohisarms.Hereached
up,tracingthelineofmylowerlipandthenheleanedinagain.

“No,thatwasn’takiss.”Hislipsbrushedmineinthemosttantalizing,promisingway.“Thatwasa

goodnight.”

Chapter17

LongafterCamhadleft,Ilayawakeinbed.Thissleeplessnightwasdifferentthanallothers.Blew

themrightoutofthewater.Mybodyfeltforeigntome,achyandwaytoohot.Ipushedthecomforteroff
mealreadyandthethinsheetstillabradedmyskin.Irolledontomyside,bitingdownonmylipsasmy
thighssqueezedtogether.

IhatedCam.
Notreally.
ButIhatedhimforhis‘goodnight,’andforhimleaving,andformebeingstrungsotightthateverytime

Ishifted,myultra-sensitiveskindemandedmore.

More.
Ididn’thateCam.
Floppingontomyback,Ishovedthesheetdown.Coolairwashedovermybarearmsandacrossmy

chest.Underneaththecottontanktop,thetipsofmybreastshardenedandtingled,tothepointthatitwent
beyondannoyingandstraightintoalmostpainfulterritory.

Ibroughtmykneesupandamoanedescapedmypartedlipsasthepressurepulsedfrombetweenmy

thighstomybreasts.Straighteningmylegs,Iclenchedthefittedsheetundermeandtriedtoemptymy
thoughts,butallIcouldthinkaboutwasCam’skiss,thewayhislipsfeltagainstmine,howhistonguehad
beenwetandwarminsidemymouth.IcouldstilltastethechocolateandIcouldstillfeelhismuscles
flexingundermyhands.Mybreathcaughtatthephantomtouchthememoryofthebacksofhishands
brushingmybreastsprovoked.

WhatIwasfeelingwasentirelynewtome.LikeCam’skisshadthrownaswitchinmybody,butI

wasn’tstupid.Iwasn’tnaiveorsoinexperiencedtonotrealizethatIwasturnedon.Thatmybodyhad
beenwokenup,likeSleepingBeautycomingoutofherdeepslumber,andmybodydemandedmore.

MyhandflutteredtomystomachandIjumped.Alongmythroat,mypulsekickedup,myheart

stuttered.Betweenmythighs,theacheintensified.Myeyesflewopenandfixedonthedarkceiling.Iheld
mybreathasIslidmyhanddown.Itwaslikeanoutofbodyexperience,likeIreallydidn’thavecontrol
ofwhatIwasdoing.

IclosedmyeyesasIslippedmyhandundertheloosebandofmysleepshorts.Themusclesinmy

bellytightened,mybreathquickened.Theedgesofmyfingersreachedthebundleofnervesdownthere
andashotofpureelectricitylitthroughmyveins.Ibitdownonmyliptostopthecrybuildinginmy
throat.Heartnowpounding,myfingersslidthroughthewetnessthathadgatheredthere.

Partofmecouldn’tbelieveIwasdoingthis.
Icouldn’tbelievethatittookthislongtodothis.
ButIwasbeyondthepointofstopping.Inmymind,theimageofCamappeared.Hisblueeyesonfire

withheatandhismouthagainstmine,coaxingmeopen,heavenlypatientandyetdetermined.Myfingers
fumbled,becauseIreallyhadnoideawhatIwasdoing,butitseemedtobeworking.Istrokedmyselfand
itfeltgood,butallitseemedtodowasflamethefire,makingitburnhotter.IfeltswollenandIwassureI
wasgoingtoscreammyheadoffiftheachinggrewanymore.

Icaughtmylowerlipbetweenmyteeth.MyfingerflickedbackandforthbeforeIdrewinadeep

breathandpushedin.Agaspescapedmeastensioncoiled.Okay.Thatwasgood.Ipushedalittledeeper
andthepressureofmypalmagainsttheapexsentanotherjoltthroughme.Myhipsjerkedandtheburning
inmycorespread.Instinctseemedtohavetakenover.Myhipsrockedinatinycircleandthetension
builtdeeperanddeeper.Thenoisethatcameoutofmythroatwould’veembarrassedmeifanyonehad
everheardit,butrightnow,inthedarknessofmyroom,itmademehotter.

Myhipsgroundagainstmyhandanditfeltlikeacordbeingpulledintoatightknotdeepinsideme.I

couldfeelitandIknewthatitwascoming,secondsaway.Inaninstant,IpicturedCamdoingthis—his
hand,hisfingersandthatwasit.Amoaneruptedfromdeepinsidemybodyasthecordunraveled,
whippingthroughmybodyandscatteringallmythoughts.

Asmyheartratereturnedtonormalandthetremblessubsided,Icollapsedbackagainstthepillows,

armsandlegsshaking.Holycrap,sothatwaswhatthatfeltlike?Irolledontomyside,mylipsspreading
intoaweakgrin.Thepillowmuffledmythroatylaugh.

Somehowthough,evenasthepleasant,languidpeaceinvadedmybody,carryingmeofftosleep,I

knewthatwhateverIjustfelt,waslacking.ThatwithaguyIwantedtobewith—withCam—allofthat
would’vebeenamplifiedandIwantedthat.

IwantedtofeelthatwithCam.

#

BritandJacobwerejustassurprisedasIwasthatI’dagreedtogohomewithCamoverThanksgiving

break.I’dbeenafraidthey’dlecturemeonhowabsolutelyinsanethiswas,buttheyhadn’t.Bothhad
actedlikeitwasnobigdeal.Maybethecrazywascontagious?Besides,they’dbeenmoreinterestedin
theotherdetailsofthedate.

“Soisheagoodkisser?”Jacobasked.
Iglancedaroundtheclass,prayingthatnoonewaspayingattention.Theprofessorhadn’tarrivedyet

andmostlookedhalfasleep.

Britgiggled.“Tellhimwhatyoutoldmeyesterday.”
MycheekswarmedasIthoughtaboutwhatI’dtoldheronthephonewhenshe’daskedmethesame

question.

“Sohedidkissyou?”Jacob’sdarkeyeswidened,butthankfullyhekepthisvoicelow.
Clenchingmynotebooktomychest,IignoredthewayBritbouncedinherseat.“Yes.”
“Tellhim,”shewhispered.
Jacobnodded.“Tellme.”
Iclosedmyeyes.“He’sagoodkisser—agreatkisser.”
“Thatisnotwhatyousaid.”
AfrownpulledatJacob’slips.“TellmeorI’mgoingtostartshoutingyoukissed—”
“Okay,”Ihissed,myentirebodyheating.Thefirstkisshadbeentenderandsoft.Eventhesecondone

hadbeenacontrolledexploration,butwhenIhadlaidbackandhe’dhoveredoverme?Theachewas
backjustthinkingaboutit,andwell,thatwasawkwardbeingthatIwasinhistoryclass.“Hekissedme
likehewantedto…eatmeup.”

BritgiggledaroundherTwizzler.
Jacob’smouthworkedforseveralsecondsandthen,“Ibethedid.”Hisbrowswereraisedashe

jerkedhischindown.“Likehereallywantedtoeat—”

“Igetwhatyou’resaying.Thanks.Backtotheimportantstuff,”Isaid,placingmynotebookonmy

desk.“Youdon’tthinkgoinghomewithhimisinsane?”

Britshookherhead.“Peoplegohomewithotherpeopleallthetime.YouknowRachelAdkins,right?

She’sinyourartclass.She’sgoinghomewithJaredinsteadofflyingbackouttoCalifornia.”

“Aren’tthosetwodating?”Jacobasked.
Myshouldersslumped.
“Notanymore,”Britsaid,pullingaTwizzlerfromherpack.Shepointedtheropeyredcandyatme.

“Theybrokeup,butshestillgoeshomewithhim.”

Stilldidn’tmakemefeelthatmuchbetteraboutthis.Throughoutclass,Ialternatedbetweenpaying

attentiontothelessonontheMiddleAgesandwonderingifIwasreallygoingtogothroughthisnext
weekwhileInibbledontheTwizzlerI’dswipedfromBrit’sbag.

ThetruthwasthatgoinghomewithCamwasn’treallyeventheissue.Yeah,itwasabouttwenty-one

flavorsofcrazy,butahugepartofmewasevenlookingforwardtoit.IwantedtoknowmoreaboutCam
—toseehisfamilyandhowheinteractedwiththem.Iwantedtoknowwhyhequitplayingsoccerand
whathedideveryFridaynight.

AndIwanted…IwantedCam.
InthewayIhadn’twantedaguybefore,hadn’teventhoughtI’dtrulybecapableofwantingone.What

IfeltwhenhehadkissedmewaswhatIwassupposedtofeel.Atinybitofpanichadbeenthere,wasstill
there,butthecuriosityoverwhelmedthatfear.SodidthebafflingwarmthIfeltwheneverCamwasnear.

TherewasnodoubtinmymindthatIwantedtokissCamagain.IwantedtoexperiencewhatIhad

afterhe’dleftwithhim.Kissinghimwasn’ttheproblem.Goinghomewasn’ttheproblem.

Ijustdidn’tknowhowmuchofthisIwascapableof.Howfarthis—whateveritwas—wouldactually

gobeforeoldfearsovershadowedthewarmth.

#

Overthenextweek,ItalkedmyselfintoandoutofgoingwithCamaboutamilliontimes.Rightupto

themomentIpackedaweekenderbag,Iwaveredbackandforth.Itwasn’tuntilIwassittingbesidehim
inhistruckWednesdaymorningwhenIrealizedIwasreallydoingthis.

“Areyousureyourparentsareokaywiththis?”
Camnodded.I’donlyaskedthequestionaroundahundredtimes.
Istartednibblingonmythumb.“Andyoudidactuallycallthemandask,right?”
Heslidmeasidewaylook.“No.”
Myjawhitmelap.“Cam!”
Tippinghisheadback,helaugheddeeply.“I’mkidding.Chillout,Avery.Itoldthemthedayafteryou

saidyou’dgo.Theyknowyou’recomingandthey’reexcitedtomeetyou.”

Glaringathim,Iwentbacktochewingonmynail.“Thatwasn’tfunny.”
Helaughedagain.“Yes,itwas.”
“Jerk.”
“Nerd.”
Istaredoutthepassengerwindow.“Bitch-ass.”
“Oh.”Camwhistled.“Thembefightingwords.KeepitupandI’llturnthistruckaround.”
IgrinnedaswehitI70.“Soundslikeagoodidea.”
“You’dbedistraughtandintears.”Therewasapause.Hereachedover,pullingmyhandawayfrom

mymouth.“Stopdoingthat.”

“Sorry.”Iglancedathim.“It’sabadhabit.”
“Itis.”Hethreadedhisfingersthroughmine,andmyheartskippedabeat.Ourjoinedhandsrestedon

mythigh,andIwasn’tsurewhattothinkaboutthat.“Mysisterwon’tbehomeuntilearlytomorrow
morning.She’sdoingashowinPittsburgtonight.”

“Whatkindofshow?”Mygazeflickedfromourhandstothewindowandbackagain.
“Ithinkit’saballetrecital.”
Myattentionwasfocusedpartlyontheweightofhishandinmine.“Isballetherfavorite?”
“Ithinkit’samixbetweenthatandcontemporary.”
Contemporaryusedalotofballetanditwouldmakesensethatshe’dlikeamixtureofthose.Cam

eventuallyletgoofmyhand,whichwasagoodthingbecauseIwassuremypalmwasstartingtosweat
andthatwasjustgross.Thetwohourdrivewentbywaytoofast.Itseemedlikeminuteshadpassedby

thetimehegotofftheinterstateandenteredasmall,hillytownthatseemedtohavebeenbuiltintothe
sideofthemountain.

Andboywerewesmackdabinthemiddleofmountaineercountry.FromeverystorefronthungaWVU

flag,asdidtheporchesofthesmallhomes.Wecontinuedthroughthetownandoutontocountryroadsthat
lookedlikethey’djustbeenpavedrecently.

Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dbeenthisnervous.Mystomachroiledasheslowedandhookeda

right,ontowhatseemedlikeaprivateroadcrowdedwithtalloaktrees.Mymouthwascompletelydryas
heroundedabendandalarge,statelymanorcameintoview.

Itwasn’tsomuchthatitwasahugehouse.Thethingwasbig—colonialstyle,whitepillarsinthefront,

andthreestories,butitremindedmesomuchofmyparents’home.Coldandperfectontheoutsideand
mostlylikelythesameontheinside.

CamfollowedthedrivewaybehindthehouseandIgotacloserviewofthemanicuredlawnand

beautiful,rusticlandscaping.Iswallowed,butmythroatwasn’treallyworking.Hepulledinnexttoa
detachedgaragethatwasprobablythesizeofasmallranchstylehome.Beyondthegarage,Icouldseea
covered,in-groundpool.

Heturnedtheengineoffandfacedme,aslightsmallonhisface.“Youready?”
Iwantedtoscreamnoandthentakeoff,runningstraightforthenearbywoods,butthatseemedlikea

bitofanoverreaction.SoInoddedandopenedthedoor,steppingoutintotempsthatwereatleastten
degreescoolerthanwhatwe’dbeenin.Ireachedformybag,butCamtuggeditoutalongwithhismuch
smallerone.

“Icancarryit.”
Camgrinnedasglancedatthebaghe’dslungoverhisshoulder.“I’llcarryit.BesidesIthinkthepink

andblueflowerprintlooksamazingonme.”

Inspiteofmynerves,Ilaughed.“It’sveryflatteringonyou.”
“Thoughtso.”Hewaitedformetojoinhimontheothersideandthenwestartedupaslatepathway

thatleduptoacoveredpatioatthebackofthehouse.Hestoppedjustoutsidetheglassdoor,besidea
wickerchaiselounge.“Youlooklikeyou’reabouttohaveaheartattack.”

Iwinced.“Thatbad?”
“Close.”Hesteppedclosertomeandhishandmovedsofast.Tuckingmyhairbackbehindmyear,he

loweredhisheadslightly.Alookcrossedhisface,deepeningthehueofhiseyesuntiltheywerethe
darkestshadeofblue.Mystomachflutteredinresponse.“Youhavenoreasontobenervous,okay?I
promise.”

MycheektingledwherehisfingersgrazedandascloseaswewereIthoughtaboutourkissthatwasn’t

akiss.Hehadn’tdoneanythinglikethatsincethenightofourfirstdate,butrightnow,Ithinkhewanted
to.“Okay,”Iwhispered.

Hestaredatmeamomentlongerandthenshookhishead.Droppinghishand,heturnedtothedoorand

openedit.Awaveofwarmairthatsmellofappleandspicespilledout,analluring,welcomingscent.I
followedhiminside,eyeswideasItooktheroomonthelowerfloorin.

Itwasagameroomofsorts.Alargepooltableinthemiddle,astockedbartotherightandintheback,

nearthestairs,wasalargeTVwithseveralcomfylookingchairsinfrontofit.Myparentshadsomething
likethis,butthepooltablehadneverbeenused,Momonlydrankfromthebarwhenshethoughtnoone
waspayingattention,andtheTVinourbasementhadneverbeenturnedon.

Buteverythinglooked…livedindownhere.
Theballsweren’trackedupinthemiddle,butspreadacrossthetablelikesomeonehadstoppedinthe

middleofagame.Abottleofscotchsatonthebartop,besideaglassandthechairswereworn,

obviouslyolderfurniturethathadbeenmovedfromdownstairs.Unlikemyparentswhohadtohavenew
stuffineveryroominthehouse.

“Thisisthemancave,”Camsaidasheheadedforthestairs.“Dadspendsalotoftimedownhere.

There’sthepokertablehekickedmyasson.”

Ilookedovertotheleftandtherewasjustanaveragecardtablesittingthere.Asmallsmilepulledat

mylips.“Ilikeitdownhere.”

“SodoI,”hereplied.“MomandDadareprobablyupstairs…”
Nodding,Ipulledmyselfawayfromthecenteroftheroomandtrailedbehindhim.Weendedupina

livingroom,thatlikethebasement,hadawelllivedinfeel.Ahugesectionalcouchtookupmostofthe
room,placeddirectlyinfrontofanotherlargeTV.Magazineswerescatteredacrossthecoffeetableand
pottedplantsinsteadofweirdstatuesandpaintingsfilledalmosteverycorner.

“Livingroom,”Camcommented,goingthroughanarchway.“Andthisisthesecondlivingroomor

someroomthatnoonesitsin.Maybeit’sasittingroom?Whoknows?Andthisistheformaldiningroom
thatweneverusebuthave—”

“Wedotousethediningroom!”cameawoman’svoice.“Maybeonceortwiceayear,whenwehave

company.”

“Andbreakthe‘gooddishes’out,”Camcommenteddryly.
MylegsstoppedworkingatthesoundofCam’smother’svoice.Ihoveredattheendofthetable,heart

inmythroatashismothercamethroughthedoor.

Cam’smomwasastallandstrikingashewas,withraven-coloredhairpulledbackinaloose

ponytail.Hereyeswerebrownandfreeofmakeup.Tinycrowsfeetappearedatthecornersasawide
smilebrokeoutacrossherfaceasshespottedherson.Sheworeapairofjeansandabaggysweater.

Sherushedacrosstheroom,envelopinghiminahug.“Idon’tevenknowwherethe‘gooddishes’are,

Cameron.”

Helaughed.“Wherevertheyare,they’reprobablyhidingfromthepaperplates.”
Laughingsoftly,shepulledback.“Goodtohaveyouhome.Yourfatherisstartingtogetonmynerves

withallhisgoinghuntingtalk.”Hergazefelloverhisshouldersandshesmiledwelcomingly.“Andthis
mustbeAvery?”

“Oh,God,no,”Camsaid.“ThisisCandy,Mom.”
Hismother’seyeswidenedandabitofcolorinfusedhercheeks.“Uh,I’m…”
“I’mAvery,”Isaid,shootingCamalook.“Youhaditright.”
Shespunaround,smackingCamacrossthearm.Hard,too.“Cameron!OhmyGod,Ithought…”She

smackedhimagainandhelaughed.“You’reterrible.”Shakingherhead,sheturnedbacktome.“Youmust
beapatientyoungladytohavesurvivedatripherewiththisidiot.”

ThinkingIhadn’theardherright,IblinkedandthenalaughburstfrommeasCamscowled.“Itwasn’t

thatbad.”

“Oh.”HismomglancedoverhershoulderatCam.“Andshe’swellmannered.It’sokay.Iknowmyson

isa…handful.Bytheway,youcancallmeDani.Everyonedoes.”

Thenshehuggedme.
Anditwasarealhug—awarm,affectionatehug.Icouldn’tevenrememberthelasttimemymom

huggedme.EmotioncrawledupmythroatandIsquelcheditbeforeImadeafooloutofmymyself.

“Thankyouforlettingmecomeup,”Isaid,happythatmyvoicedidn’tcrack.
“It’snoproblem.Welovehavingthecompany.Comeon,let’sgomeettheguywhothinkshe’smy

betterhalf.”Hismomdroppedanarmaroundmyshouldersandsqueezed.“AnddearGod,Iapologize
aheadoftimeifhestartstalkingtoyouabouthowmanyeightpointbuckshe’splanningtohuntthis

weekend.”

Assheledmetowardthefoyer,IglancedovertowhereCamwaited.Ourgazeslockedandthat

flippingmotionoccurredinmychest.Asmilespreadacrosshisface,revealingthedimpleinhisleft
cheek.

Camwinked.
Andmysmilewidened.

Chapter18

Camgotthoseblueeyesfromhisfather,hissenseofhumor…andabilitytostringtogetherthemost

confusingrationaleonthisEarth,whichwaswhatprobablymadeRichardHamiltonsuchasuccessful
lawyer.Withinafewshorthours,henearlyhadmeagreeingtotrydeerjerkyforthefirsttime.

Almost.
Ifitweren’tforCamcontinuouslywhispering“Bambi”inmyeareverycoupleofminutes,Iwould’ve

caved.ButIcouldn’teatBambi,nomatterhowsucculentMr.Hamiltonmadeitsound.

Westayedinthespaciouskitchen,atthescuffedoaktablethatwasjusttherightsizetoseatfouror

fivepeople,drinkingthecoffeeCam’smotherhadmade.Mysideswereactuallyachingfromlaughingso
hardatCamandhisfather.Thetwoofthemwereidentical.Wavy,uncontrollablehair,brightblueeyes
thatsparkledwithpuremischiefandtheraretalentforturningeverywordaround.

“Look,Dad,seriously,you’reembarrassingyourselfhere.”
Hisfatherglancedatme,browsraisedinafashionthatwassolikeCam.“DoIlookembarrassed,

Avery?”

Pressingmylipstogether,Ishookmyhead.
CamshotmealookthatsaidIwasn’thelping.“You’resittingheretryingtoconvinceme,mom,Avery,

andbabyJesus,thatBigFootmustexistbecauseapesexist?”

“Yes!”theolderHamiltonshouted.“It’scalledevolution,son.Aretheyteachingyouanythingat

college?”

Camrolledhiseyes.“No,Dad,theyaren’tteachingmeaboutBigFootatcollege.”
“Actually,”Isaid,clearingmythroat.“Thereisthewholemissinglinktheorywhenitcomesto

primates.”

“Ilikethisgirl.”Mr.Hamiltonwinkedatme.
“You’renothelping,”Camgrumbled.
“AllI’msayingisonceyou’vebeenoutinthewoodsandheardthethingsI’veheard,”hisfather

continued.“You’dbelieveinBigFootandthechupacabra.”

“Chupacabra?”Cam’sjawhitthetable.“Aw,comeon,Dad.”
Mrs.Hamiltonshookherheadfondly.“Thesearemyboys.I’msoproud.”
IgrinnedasItookasipoftherichcoffee.“Theyreallyarequitesomethingelsetogether.”
“Somethingelse?”Shehuffedasshepushedfromthetable,grabbingherhusband’semptycoffeecup.

“That’sthenicewayofsayingtheirbatshitcrazy.”

“Hey!”Mr.Hamilton’sheadwhippedaround,eyesdancing.“Youlistenhere,woman.”
“Youcanlistentomyfootupyourassifyoucallmewomanagain.”Mrs.Hamiltonrefilledthecupand

reachedforthesugar.“Andyoucantakethattocourt.”

Camsighedandloweredhishead.
Ismotheredmygigglewithmyhand.
Hisfamilywas…wonderful.Theywerefriendlyandwarm.Nothinglikemyown.Idoubtedmymom

knewhowtousethecoffeemakerorwouldlowerherselftoservingsomeone,evenmydad.

Mrs.Hamiltonputthecupdowninfrontofherhusband.“Aren’tyoutwogoingtothedrive-in

tonight?”

“Yep,”Camsaid,standing.Hepickedupourbags.“Weneedtogetgoingsowegetagoodspot.”
“Makesureyougrabsomethickblankets,”shesaid,sittingbackdownatthetable.“It’sbeengetting

reallycoldatnight.”

Iwaskindofreluctanttoleavehisfamily,eveniftheconversationwasprettybizarre.Istood,thanking

hismotherforthecoffee.

“Noproblem,honey.”Mrs.Hamiltonturnedtoherson.“Ihavetheyellowroomreadyforher,

Cameron.Beagentlemanandshowherwhereitis.”

AstrangelookcrossedCam’sface,butitwasgonebythetimewesteppedoutintothefoyer.I

followedCamupthestairs.“Ilikeyourparents.They’reverynice.”

“They’reprettycool.”Hetrailedhishandalongthewoodenbanister.“IsyourdadconvincedthatBig

Footexists?”

Ilaughed.“No.”
“Howaboutthechupacabra?”
Laughingagain,Ishookmyhead.“Definitelyno.”
Heheadeddownthehallonthesecondfloor.“Myparentshavearoomupstairsandmysisterhasone

atthestartofthehall.”Hestoppedoutsideofadoorandnudgeditopenwithhiship.“Thisistheyellow
room,becauseit’syellow.”

Theroomwasyellow,butaprettybuttercupshadeandnotschoolbus.CamputmybagonthebedasI

mademywayovertothewindowoverlookingasidegardenbelow.Iturned,catchingafreshscentof
vanilla.“It’sreallypretty.Ihopeyourmomdidn’tgothroughanytrouble.”

“Shedidn’t.”Hestretchedhisarmsabovehishead,crackinghisback.“Youthinkyou’llbereadyin

aboutthirtyminutes?”

Isatontheedgeofthebed.“Yep.”
Cambackedtowardthedoor,armsstillraised.Hetappedthetopofthedoor’sframe.“Guesswhat?”
“What?”
Aslightgrinappeared.“Mybedroomisrightacrossthehall.”
Mytummytumbled.“Okay.”
Thegrinspread,turningwicked.“Justthoughtyou’dbehappytohearthat.”
“Thrilled,”Imurmured.
Hechuckledashelefttheroom,closingthedoorbehindhim.Isatthereforasecondandthenthrew

myselfontomyback.Camwasrightacrossthehall,whichwasnodifferentthanattheapartment
building,right?Wrong.Tonightandtomorrownighthe’dbecloserthanheeverhadbefore.

#

Aboutanhourandhalflater,Istoodbesidehistruckasheputtwolongpillowsupagainstthebackof

thetruck’sbed.He’dbackedthecarintothespotsowecouldsitoutandhavealotmorespace.We
weren’ttheonlyonesdaringthecoldtempsatnight.Severalbigtruckswereparkalongsideus,doingthe
samewithpillowsandblankets.Oneevenhadanairmattress.

Camcameovertothetailgateandofferedhishands.“Ready?”
Iplacedmyhandsinhisandheliftedmeup.Thesuddenshiftinweightcausedhimtostumblebacka

stepandhishandsdroppedtomyhipstosteadyhimself.Animmediaterushofheatpooledintomy
stomachasIlookedup.

Cam’sthicklasheshidhiseyesashishandsseemedtoflex.Hislipsparted,andmybodytensedwith

anticipation.Underthestarrynight,itseemedliketheperfectatmosphereforakiss.Icouldpractically
feelhislipsagainstmine.

Hedroppedhishandsandturnedtothetwobagsnearthestackofblanketsandpillows.

Disappointmentroseashekneltdown.Whyhadn’thekissedme?

Hell,whyhadn’thekissedmesinceourdate?
“Here,”hesaid,rising.“Broughtyousomethingtohelpkeepyouwarm.”
Heheldoneofhisskullcapsandasheraisedhishands,Icaughtthescentofhisshampoo.Istoodstill

ashepulleditdownovermyhead,takingthetimetotuckmyhairbackbehindmyearsbeforehewas
done.

“Thankyou,”Itoldhim.
Camsmiledashegrabbedtheotherbagandmovedbackagainstthepillows.Icarefullymademyway

overtohimandsatbesidehim.Hepulledoutthebucketoffriedchickenanddrinkswe’dpickedupon
theway.

Themoviestartedtoplay—anoldonethatseemedtobesomekindofyearlycustom,becausethere

wereseveralshoutsandcheersasthefirstscenerolledacrossthemassivescreen.

“HomeAlone?”Iasked,lookingatCam.
Hesnickered.“It’slikeaThanksgivingtraditionaroundtheseparts.”
Igrinned.“Ihaven’tseenthismovieinforever.”
AsKevinMcCallisterappearedonscreen,poutingandglaringathisfamily,wedugintothechicken,

leavingbehindapathofcrumblednapkinsinourwake.BythetimeKevin’smomyelledhisnameonthe
plane,mytummywasfullandIwassurethatCamhadeatenanentirechicken.

Theblanketaroundmyshoulderskeptthebulkofthecoldairaway,buteverysooften,Ishivered,

especiallywhenthewindpickedup.

“Whydon’tyoucomeoverhere?”Camsaid,andIturnedtohim,browsraised.“Youlookcold.”
Ishiftedcloser,butthatapparentlywasn’tcloseenough.Hetuggedtheblanketoffmeandthenleaned

back.Liftingmeup,heplacedmebetweenhiswidespreadlegs.

Myeyespracticallypoppedoutofmyhead.
Camspreadtheblanketoverme,tuckingtheedgesaroundmyneck.Isatwithmyspinestraightfor

severalmoments,staringatthescreen,butnotreallyseeingit.Thenhisarmssnakedundertheblanketand
aroundmywaist.HetuggedmebacksoIwasfittedagainsthisfront.

Musclestense,Iforcedmyselftotakeseveralslow,deepbreaths.JustasIhadmybreathingsomewhat

normal,hishandsslidtomystomach.

“Isthiswarmer?”heasked,hisbreathstirringthehairaroundmyear.
Throatclosedoff,Inodded.
Onehandmovedup,settlingundermybreastsandtheothershiftedtorestundermybellybutton,over

thebandonmyjeans.Itfeltlikehishandwasonfire.Immediately,myskinwarmedinthoseareas.

“Good,”hemurmured.“IpromisedyouthatI’dkeepyouwarm.”
Hewasdefinitelykeepingmewarm.“Youdid.”
Undermybreasts,histhumbbegantomove,tracingsmall,idlecircles.Then,afewsecondslater,the

handbelowstartedtomoveupanddown,aslowcontinuousmovementthatcausedmybreathtostart
comingfaster.

Eachtimehisfingersmovedovertheflapcoveringthezipper,ittuggedgentlyonmyjeans,causingthe

seamofmypantstopushagainstme.Ihadnoideaifheknewthatwashappening.KnowingCam,I’dhave
togowithayes.Inamatterofminutes,Iwasthrobbingdownthere.

Iletmyheadfallbackagainsthischestandmyeyesdriftedshut.Theacutesensationhewascreating

wasmindblowing.

“Avery?”
“Hmm?”
Therewasapause.“Areyoupayingattention?”
“Uh-huh.”Ishiftedrestlessly.
Camchuckled,andIknewwithoutadoubtthathewasfullyawareofwhathewasupto.“Good.I

wouldn’twantyoutomissanyofthis.”

Iwasn’tmissingasinglesecondofthis.

#

Anotherfitfulnightofsleepbeckonedme.Itossedandturnedforhoursafterwegotbackfromthe

drive-in,mybodygoingthroughthesamethingithadthenightafterourdate.Itwasclosetotwointhe
morningwhenIgavein,slippingmyhandunderthebandofmybottoms.Itkindoffeltdirtytobedoing
thisinsomeoneelse’shome,intheirbed,withCamjustadooraway.Itdidn’ttakelongformetofind
release,andIwasn’tsurewhatthatsaidaboutme.

Isleptforacoupleofhoursbeforewakingalittlebitbeforesix.TherewasnowayIwasgoingback

tosleep,soIshoweredandchangedbeforeIworkedupthenervetoleavemybedroom.Istoodinfrontof
Cam’sdoor,likeatotalcreeper.Iwonderedwhathe’ddoifIwokehim?Climbintobed—

IstoppedmyselfbeforeIfinishedthattrainwreckofathought.IfItriedtoactuallydothat,I’d

probablyenduphurtingmyselfintheprocessoftryingtobeseductiveorflirty.

Pushingawayfromhisdoor,Iheadeddownstairs,hopingIdidn’twakeanyone.Itseemedlikeevery

stepcreakedobnoxiously.AssoonasIreachedthefoyer,Icaughtthescentofcoffeeandknewsomeone
hadtobeup.

Ihoveredatthebottomofthestairs,handstwistingtogetherasIdebatedbetweengoingbackupstairs

ormakingmypresenceknown.IthoughtaboutallthosetimesI’dwokeninthemiddleofthenight,usually
fromanightmare,andwouldgodownstairs,catchingmymomsneakingdrinks.

Shehadsonotbeenahappycamperwhenthatoccurred.
Ihonestlyshouldn’tberoamingaroundsomeone’shouse.Seemedlikethatwasbreakingsomeguest

rule.IstartedtoturntogobackupstairswhenMrs.Hamiltonstuckherheadoutofthekitchen.

Ohshit.
Awarmsmileappearedonherface.“Ididn’twakeyou,didI?I’manearlyriser,evenmoresoon

Thanksgiving.”Shewavedadishtowel.“Makingstuffing.”

“Youdidn’twakeme.”Iinchedcloser,sortoffascinatedbythefactshewasupthisearlymaking

stuffing.“Doyouneedhelp?”

“Icouldalwaysuseahandinthekitchen,”shereplied,motioningmeforward.“AndIhavefresh

coffee.”

Theallureofcoffeewastoomuchtoresist.Ifollowedherintothekitchen,myeyeswideningatallthe

foodspreadacrossthekitchenisland.Aturkeysatonaplatter,waitingtogetstuffshovedupitscavity.

“Sugarandcream,right?”sheasked.
Ismiledalittle.“Youremembered.”
“Ithinkthekeytothestartofanygoodrelationshipistorememberhowtheotherpersonlikestheir

coffee.”

“Camdoesn’treallylikecoffee.”Themomentthosewordsleftmymouth,Iflushed.
Hismompretendednottonoticemyredface.“No,he’snotbigoncoffee.Milk,ontheotherhand…”
“HedrinksmilkwhileeatingChinese.”Ishuddered.“It’ssogross.”
Shelaughedasshehandedmethecoffee.“Heget’sthatfromhisfather.Teresaisthesameway.

Speakingofwhich,youwillbemeetingherwithinthenextcoupleofhours.”

Knotsformedinmystomach.Meetinghissistermademeanxious.
“Haveyoumadestuffingbefore?”sheasked,movingovertotheisland.
“No.”Ijoinedherontheotherside,eyeingtheloavesofbread,onions,milk,andeggs.
“Mydaughterusuallyhelpsmeinthemorning,”shesaid,placingthedishtowelonthecounter.“It’snot

difficultatall,soyou’remorethanwelcometohelporkeepmecompany.”

“Icanhelp.WhatcanIdo.”

Mrs.Hamilton’ssmilewaswide.“Ifyoucouldstartwiththebread,thatwouldbeperfect.Allyou

needtodoisbreakthemupinthisbowl.”Shepointedtoalargeblueone.“Whenyou’vefinishedthe
loaf,we’llmoveontothenextstep.”

“Okay.”Ipulledmyhairupintoaponytailandrolledupmysleeves,thenwashedmyhandsquickly.
“That’saprettybracelet,”shecommentedasshestartedchoppingtheonionintosmallchunks.
“Thankyou.”Itoreapartthebread,probablyalittleharderthannecessary.“Camtoldmethathis

sisterwasatadancerecital?”

“InPittsburg,”shesaid,pridepouringintohervoice.“Itwasaninvitationonlyrecital.RichardandI

would’vegone,butwewantedtobehomeforCameron.Teresaunderstandsthough.Werarelymissanyof
herdances.”

Ifinishedtheloaf.“What’snext?”
“Onions,butter,milk,andseasoning.Yougettomushitallwithyourhands.”
Iwaitedforhertodumpintheingredients.Asshedidso,shetoldmehowmuchshethoughtshouldgo

inandthenIsunkmyhandsintothegooeymess.Grinning,Ilaughed.“Okay,thisfeelskindofweird.”

“Itdoes.Atleastyou’renoteatingit.”
“Raw?”
“Yep,CameronandTeresabothwouldtrytoeatitraw.”
ImadeafaceasIsmushedeverythingtogethersothatthemilkandbutterwouldevenlydistributed

throughthebread.Afterwipingmyhandsclean,Imovedontothesecondloafofbread.“Iusedtodance,”
Iadmitted.

“Cameronmentionedthat.”
Myhandsstilledaroundthebread.He’dtoldhisparentsthat?Iwasn’tsurewhattomakeofit.
“Iwould’veknownifhehadn’tsaidanything,”shecommentedasshedroppedsomeoftheonionsin

mybowl.“Youstillmovelikeadancer.”Shesmiled.“IdancedandwatchingTeresaovertheyears,you
cometobeabletorecognizethatinothers.”

“It’snicetohearthat.Imean,Idon’tfeellikeIstilldo.”
“Youdo.”
IwasbacktothemushingpartagainandIdecidedthatwasmyfavorite.Iwasweird.
“Younevermadestuffingwithyourmom?”Cam’smotherasked.
Itwasaninnocentquestion,butitcausedadeepachetosliceacrossmychest.MymomandIhadn’t

beentheclosesttwopeopleintheworldbeforetheincident,butafterward,ourrelationshipwas
nonexistent.“Idon’tthinkmymomknowshowtocook,”Isaidfinally.

“Youdon’tthink?”
Ishookmyhead.“Myparentsaren’tintocookingdinners.”
Therewasapause.“Cameronsaidtheytravelalotduringtheholidays?”
“Yeah,andtheykindoflikedoingtheirownthing,youknow,daughterfree.”Iforcedoutalaugh,

shruggingitoff.“Imean,I’mokaywiththat.Ican’tskitosavemylifeandbeingstuckonashipinthe
middleofanoceanisn’tsomethingI’minto.”

Mrs.HamiltonwassilentasweaddedthelastoftheingredientsandIdugmyfingersintoit,likingthe

wayitslidthroughmyfingers.“Sowhatdoyounormallydowhenyou’rehome?”sheasked.

Ishrugged.“Iwouldn’tbebymyselfthewholetime.Theyhaveamaidthatusuallycooksdinnerfor

mebeforeshegoeshome.It’sreallyniceofherbecauseshe’snotrequiredtoworkduringtheholidays.”

“WhataboutChristmas?”
“Thesame,”Iadmitted,surprisingmyself.Iglancedupandfoundherwatchingme.“It’snotreallya

bigdeal.Myfamilyisn’tverycloseandsoit’sprobablybetterthisway.”Aftersayingthat,Ifiguredit

probablywasn’tthebestthingtosay.“Anyway,I’mdone.What’sthenextstep?”

“Itgoesintheturkey.”Shesmiled,butitseemedalittleoff.“Wanttodothehonors?”
“Sure.”IwaitedforhertoturnthebirdaroundandthenIcompletedthesomewhatgrosstaskofgetting

allintheturkey’spersonalspace.

WhenIwasdone,Iheadedovertothedoublesinkwhileshewrappedtheturkeyinfoilandplacedit

inaroaster.

“Thankyouforhelpingme,Avery.”
“Noproblem,”Isaid.“I’mhappytohavehelped.”AndIreallywas.“Itwasfun.”
Mrs.Hamiltonsmiledatme,thoughhereyesweresad.“Well,honey,you’realwayswelcomedhere

fortheholidays.There’sneverenoughhandswhenitcomestomakingfood.”

Imurmuredthankyouandfinishedwashingmyhands.AsIturned,IcaughtsightofCamstandingjust

outsidethekitchen.Ihadnoideahowlonghe’dbeenstandingthereorhowmuchoftheconversationhe
overheard,butthesoftlookonhissleepyfacetoldmehe’dheardenough.

Chapter19

AnyonewithtwoeyescouldtellthatTeresaandCamwerecloseandtheyreallydidcareabouteach

other.Thetwoofthemwereinsanetogether,constantlypickingononeanotherandcausinggeneral
troublewherevertheywent.

TeresawasafemaleversionofCam—tall,strikinglybeautifulwithraven-coloredhairandbrightblue

eyes.Shehadthebodyofwell-disciplineddancerandwaspracticallybubblingoverwithenergy.

Muchtomyrelief,Teresawasasweetheart.I’dbeenafraidthatshewouldn’tlikemeforsomereason

oranother,butshehuggedme.

TheHamiltonfamilywereabunchofhuggingfolks.
IhungoutwiththeminthebasementuntilTeresaandIwentupstairstohelphermomgetthesides

readyfordinner,whichseemedliketheperfectmomenttogetaway,becauseCamandhisfatherstarted
talkingabouthuntingandmyskinwasbeginningtocrawl.

Seeingmotheranddaughterworkingtogetherandlaughinghadastrangeeffectonme.Theywere

almostlikestrangecreaturestome;thekindoffamilyyousawoneveningsitcoms.Iwasenviousofthat
relationship,butinthesamerespectIsortofacceptedthatthiswouldneverbemymomandI.

Whilewegotthedinnerready,Teresawasgluedtohercellphone,constantlytextingsomeone,which

carriedovertothedinnertable.

“Whodoyoukeeptexting?”Camdemandedashesloppedasecondheapingofyamsonhisplate.
Teresasmirked.“That’snoneofyourbusiness.”
“I’myourbrother,it’smybusiness.”
Uh-oh.IglancedatthemandsawCam’seyesnarrowedonhisyoungersisterasshetextedsomeone.
“Mom,youshouldtellyourdaughterit’srudetotextatthetable.”
Mrs.Hamiltonarchedabrow.“It’snothurtinganyone.”
Camnudgedmewithhiskneeunderthetable,somethinghe’dbeendoingeveryfiveminutessincewe

satdown.“It’shurtingmysoul.”

IrolledmyeyesasIknockedhimback.
“That’ssad,”hissistercommented,droppinghercellinherlap.“So,Avery,howdidyouendupin

WestVirginia.”

“Iwantedtogosomeplacedifferent,”Isaid,diggingintothemashedpotatoes.“Myfamilyis

originallyfromOhio,soWestVirginiaseemedlikeagoodplacetogo.”

“Ihavetobehonest,Iwould’vepickedNewYorkorFloridaorVirginiaorMarylandor—”Her

phonechirped,drawingherattentionlikesomeonewithADDandashinyobject.Shegrabbedhercell
andanimmediatesmilespreadacrossherlips.

Camknockedmykneeashiseyesnarrowedevenfurther.Hereachedformoreturkey,butsuddenly

veeredoff,snatchingthecellfromhissister’sfingers.

“Hey!”sheshouted.“Giveitback!”
Camstretchedintome,avoidinghissister’sflailingarms.Hescowled.“Who’sMurphy?”
Mr.Hamiltonshookhishead.
“It’snoneofyourbusiness!God,”Teresasnapped.“Givemebackmyphone.”
“I’llgiveitbackwhenyoutellmewhoMurphyis?Aboyfriend?”
Hercheeksflushed,andIfiguredCamwasabitoftheoverprotectivetype.Heheldthephoneaway

fromheruntilshesatback,crossingherarms.“Mom.”

“Cam,giveherbackthephone.”WhenCamstillheldit,hismothersmiled.“We’vemetMurphy.He’s

areallygoodboy.”

Camdidn’tlookconvinced,andIsuddenlywonderediftherewasmoretothis.IlookedoveratTeresa

andhereyeswerestartingtoshine.Iturnedmyattentionbacktomyplatequickly.

“He’sreallyniceandIlikehim,”shesaidinaquietvoice.
Camsnorted.“That’snotaringing—”
“He’snotJeremy,”Mr.Hamiltonsaid,suddenlyveryseriousandsomber.“Giveherbackthephone.”
Helookedlikehewasgoingtoholdontothatphonefortherestofhislifeandwheretherehadn’tbeen

anytensioninthehousesinceIarrived,itwasnowverymuchinthisroom.Ireachedunderthetableand
grabbedhisupperthigh,startlinghimenoughthatheloosenedhisgriponherphone.Iswipeditaway
fromhim.

“Hey!”Hiseyesnarrowed.“Thatwassonotfair.”
IgrinnedasIstretchedbehindhim,handingthephonetohissister.“Sorry.”
“Thankyou,”Teresasaid,andIwassureImadeafriendforlifewiththatmove.
Cam’slooksaidthere’dbepaybacklaterbeforeheturnedtohissister.“IwanttomeetthisMurphy.”
Teresaletoutaloudsigh.“Okay.Letmeknowwhen.”
Shockflickeredthroughme.Iwouldnothaveexpectedhertorelentthateasilytohisdemand.Mygaze

shiftedbetweenthemtwoandwhileCamseemedtorelax,therewasatensioninhisjawthathadn’tbeen
therebefore.Conversationpickedbackup,butthereseemedtobesomethingsimmeringbehindit.

Oritcouldjustbemyparanoia.
Afterthefeast,CamandIwerealoneinthediningroom,stackingthedishes.“Iseverythingokaywith

yoursister?”Iasked.

Camlaughed,butitdidn’treachhiseyes.“Everythingiskosher.Let’splay,”hesaid,catchingmy

handsandpullingmetowardthestairsleadingtothebasement.“Ibetyoucanbeatmeatpool.”

“Idon’tknowaboutthat.”ButIlethimledmeaway.
“Oh,Isuckassatpool.”
Ilaughed.“Whataboutthedishesand—”
Camstoppedwithoutanywarning,causingmetocrashintohischest.Hishandsfelltomyhipsashe

loweredhisforeheadtomine.“Forgetthedishes.Comeplaywithme,sweetheart.”

Crap.Hehadmeasweetheart.

#

I’djustchangedintomypajamasandslidmylegsunderthecoverswhentherewasasoftknockonthe

bedroomdoor.Iroseontomyelbows.MyheartjumpedasCamopenedthedoorhalfway.

“Hey,”hesaid,aslightgrinonhisface.
“Hi.”Theonewordcameoutahalfwhisper,halfcroak.
Thatlopsidedgrinspreadaninch.“Iwantedtosaygoodnight.”
Afluttertookupresidencydeepinsidemychestandmylowerstomach.Myhandclenchedtheedgeof

thedowncomforter.“Youalreadytoldmegoodnight.”

“Idid.”Hesteppedintotheroomandmygazeslippeddownthelengthofhim.Cammadeagrayshirt

andflannelpajamabottomslookgood.“ButIdidn’t.NotinthewayIwanttosaygoodnight.”

Ohdearsweetmercyme…
Camquietlyshutthedoorbehindhim.Theclickofthelatchcatchingcausedmyhearttopoundwith

himbeinginhere,whileIwasinbedinnothingmorethanathin,longsleeveshirtandcottonshorts.That
wasall.

IheldmybreathasIwatchedhimmakehiswaytothebed.Hesatbesideme,hishiprestingagainst

myleg.Inthedimlightoftheroom,hiseyesshonelikedarkjewelsastheymovedovermyfaceand
down,tomychest.Underhisintensegaze,mynipplesimmediatelypuckeredagainstmyshirt.

Hisgazeflickeduptomyface,andIsuckedinasoftbreath.Thenestofbutterflieswerebackinmy

stomach,tryingtomaketheirwayout.“I’mgladyoudecidedtocomehere,”hesaid,voicegruff.

Ishivered.“Iam,too.”
“Really?”Camplantedahandontheothersideofmyhip.“Didyoujustadmitthat?”
“Yeah,Isortofdid.”
Heleanedinsothathisupperbodyhoveredovermine.“IwishIhadmyphonetorecordthis

moment.”

Mygazedippedtohismouth.Awittyretortslippedoutofmygrasp.Iwettedmylowerlipandhis

parted.MychestrosesharplyasIforcedmyeyesuptomeethis.“I’ve…hadawonderfultime.”

“SohaveI.”Thelookinhiseyessoftenedjustabit,buttherewasstillaheatededgetohisstare.“So

whatdoyouthinkyou’regoingtodoforwinterbreak?”

Knowingthathe’doverheardtheconversationIhadwithhismom,Ididn’tlie.“Idon’tknow.Ithought

abouttakingoffforD.C.oneofthedays.IwanttoseetheSmithsonianandtheNationalMall.I’venever
been.”

“Hmm,thatcouldbefun.Icouldbeyourtourguide.”
Asmallgrinpulledatmylips.“That…thatwouldbefun.”
“Itwouldbe,”hesaid,hisvoicewarmonmycheek.“Pickadate.”
“Now?”
“Now.”
“Januarythesecond,”Isaidimmediately,andthenflushed.“Willyoubeavailablethen?”
“I’llbeavailablewheneveryouwantmetobe.”
Thatdelightedmetonoendandmygrinspread.
“Guesswhat,Avery?”
“What?”Iwonderedifhecouldseehowfastmyheartwasbeatingbeneathmyshirt.
“Rememberhowyoujustsaidyouwerehavingagoodtime?”Camloweredhisheadsothatour

mouthswerescantinchesapart.“It’sabouttogetbetter.”

“Isit?”
Heshiftedhisheadandhisnosegrazedmine.“Oh,yeah.”
“Areyounotgoingtokissmeagain?”
Hislipstippedup.“That’sexactlywhatI’mgoingtodo.”
Warmthslidthroughmyveinsasmybodytensedinawelcomed,deliciousway.Myeyesflutteredshut

ashislipsbrushedmineonceandthentwice,asifhewasgettingreacquaintedwiththefeelofthem.The
slight,barelytheretouchwasnerveracking.

Camshiftedhisweightontohisleftarmandwithhisotherhand,hespreadhisfingersalongmycheek.

Heplacedakisstothecornerofmylipsandtheothersidebeforeslidinghishandbackaroundthenape
ofmyneck.Hislipsmovedalongmyjaw,trailingafierypathtomyear.Ashiverdancedalongmyskin,
elicitingadeep,huskychucklefromhim.Hislipspressedagainstthesensitivespotundermyear,anda
moancrawledupmythroat.

“Goodnight,Avery.”
Andthenhekissedme—kissedmelikehe’dhadrightbeforehe’dleftthenightofourdate.Kissedme

likehewasamanstarvingforoxygenandIwastheonlyairheneededtobreathe.Thehandaroundmy
neckheldmethere,raiseduponmyelbowsashismouthdevouredmine.AndthatwastheonlywordI
couldusetoaccuratelyexplainedhowhekissedme.

Camdevouredme.
Mylipsopened,needingalmostnocoaxing,andhistongueslippedin,teasingmineashishand

tightenedbehindmyneck.Hetastedliketoothpasteandithadmysensesspinning.Asoundrumbledfrom
deepinsidehischestashepushedback,slidinghishandoutfromunderme.

Themomentmyheadhitthepillow,atinyburstofpanickickedtheairoutofmylungs.Wherewasthis

heading?Ithoughtabouthissisterbeingdownthehallandhisparentssleepingonthefloorabove,but
thenhekissedmeagain,asweettenderkissashecuppedmycheek.Thepaniceasedoff,thethoughts
slippedaway.

CamhoveredabovemeandIwantedtofeelhimonme,ourbodiespressedtogether.Oncethatneed

tookroot,warringemotionsroseinsideme.Wasthistoomuch?Notenough?Hecaughtmylowerlip
betweenhisteeth,andamoanescapedme.

Iwasgoingtogowithnotenough.
Inanactofsupremebraveryfueledbydesire,Ireacheddownandslidmyhandsunderthehemofhis

shirt.Camjerkedasmyfingersgrazedhisbare,tautskin.Hestilledforamomentandthenhepulled
away.Ialmostdemandedtoknowwhy,becauseI’dcomethisfartoactuallytouchhimandhewasleaving
me?Whatintheholyhellwasupwiththat?

Camreacheddownandpulledhisshirtoff,overhishead.
Oh.
Oh.
MybreathhitchedasIsoakedhimin.Cam’sbodywasgorgeous.Allsmooth,tightskinstretchedover

rockhardmuscle.Iwantedtoaskaboutthetattooandifitsymbolizedsomethingtohim,butcouldn’t
forcethewordsfrommymouth.

Heyankedthecomforterdown,andmyheartjumped.Immediately,IthoughtaboutwhatIhaddonein

thebed.OurgazeslockedandIcouldn’tmoveorbreathe.Heclimbedoverme,hisarmscagingmein,
surroundingmeinawaythatmademefeelsmall…andsafe.Myhandswenttohisstomach,flattening
againsthisskin.Themusclesofhisabsspasmed.

Camdroppedhisforeheadtomine.“Youhavenoideawhatyoudotome.”
Ididn’t,butasheloweredhimselfontome,Istartedtogetagoodidea.Icouldfeelhimagainstmy

stomach,throughourclothes,hardandthick.Ithoughtthatwouldpullmeoutoftheheadyhazeofdesire,
butitdidn’t.Heatflaredbetweenmythighs,mypulsepoundedthroughoutmybody.Ishiftedunderhim,
bringinghimclosertowhereIachedforhim.

“Fuck,”hegrowled,hislargebodyshaking.
Hecapturedmylipsinasearingkissashesettledbetweenmylegs,mufflingthepleasantgroanthat

hadworkeditswayupmythroat.Hishipsrolledintomine,andmynerveendingsweresuddenlyonfire.
Thethinmaterialofmypajamaswerenothingbetweenthehard,hotskinofhischestandmine.Hiships
madeanotherslowthrustthathadmytoescurlingasIgrippedhissides.Hiskissturneddeeper,more
urgentasheslidhishandfrommycheek,downmyneck.Hishandbrushedtheswellofmybreast,so
closetothesensitivebudbeforefollowingthecurveofmystomachtotheflareofmyhips.Hecurvedhis
handaroundmythigh,liftingmylegaroundhiship.Hesettleddeeper,pressingagainstmysexinaway
thatthrilledmeatthesametimeitstirredaconflictingemotion.Whenhishipsrockedagain,Iwhimpered
againsthislips.

“Ilikethatsound,”hesaid,movinghiships.Imadeitagain,flushing.“Correction.Ilovethatfucking

sound.”

Sensationsracedacrossmyskin,buildingintoanacheinmycore.Itwaslikethenightinmybedbut

muchstronger,moreintenseandsoveryreal.Hishandwasonthemoveagain,trailingupmyside,
jumpingtomyhand.Hisfingerstangledwithmineforasecondandthendriftedup,undermysleevesas
histonguedancedwithmine.

Suddenly,hestilledabovemeandliftedhishead.IforcedmyeyesopenasIdraggedinadeepbreath.

Thelookonhisface;Ididn’tunderstandit.

“Cam?”
Withoutsayingaword,heliftedmyarmandturneditover.Myheartdropped.No.No.Itwaslike

slowmotion.Hisfingersmoved,thumbslidingoverthelengthofthedeepscarthatcutacrossmyvein.

Helooked.
Ifollowedhisgaze.
Disbeliefexploded,suffocatingallthewonderfulfeelingsthathadbeenbuildinginme.Histhumb

movedagain,asifhewastryingtowipethescarawayandthenwhenitremained,heshiftedhisgazeto
mine.Therewasnomistakingit.Heknew—heknewwhatthescarwas.

“Avery…?”hewhispered,browsfurrowedandfacetaut.“Oh,Avery,whatisthis?”
Horrorsweptthedisbeliefaway,likearollingtide.Thepainedexpressionetchedintohisstrikingface

reacheddownintome,sinkingdeepwithrazorsharpclawsandtoremeapart.Thelookonhisface,it…
itdestroyedmeinawaynothingelsecouldsincethatnightonHalloween.

Thescar—Ineverwantedanyonetoeverseeit,towitnessjusthowweakI’dbeenonceuponatime.It

wentbeyondhumiliation.

Tearingmyarmfree,Iscrambledoutfromunderneathhim.MybodyflashedbetweenhotandcoldasI

yankedthesleevedownovermybarewrist.

“Avery…”Hereachedforme.
“Please,”Isaid,pushingmyselftotheedgeofthebed.“Pleaseleave.”
Campulledhishandback.“Avery,talktome.”
Ishookmyhead,liptrembling.
Amuscleworkedinhisjaw.“Avery—”
“Leave!”Ijumpedfromthebed,stumblingbackastep.“Justleave.”
Camfrozeforasecond,asifhewasabouttosaysomethingelse,butthenhepushedoffthebed.He

backedtowardthedoorasadeepshudderstartedworkingitswaythroughmybody.Withhishandonthe
doorknob,hestopped.

“Avery,wecantalk—”
“Leave.”Myvoicebroke.“Please.”
HisshouldersstiffenedandthenhedidasIasked.Camleft,closingthedoorquietlybehindhim.

Chapter20

Ididn’tgotoastronomyclassonMondayorTuesday.Ijustcouldn’tbringmyselftofaceCam.Not

afterI’dseenthelookonhisfacewhenherealizedwhatthescaronmywristwasfrom.Notafterhaving
topretendlikeeverythingwasokayinfrontofhismomanddadbeforeweleft.EventhoughI’donly
knownthemforashortperiod,IthoughttheywerewonderfulandhatedthefactthatIwasleaving
knowingthelikelihoodofeverseeingthemagainwaslow.Notafterthetense,never-endingridehome
FridaymorningorwhenCamhadfollowedmeuptomyapartmentandtriedtotalktome.

AnddefinitelynotafterhetriedtocomeoverSundaymorningwitheggsandIdidn’tanswerthedoor.
Ispentmostoftheweekendinbed,myeyesachingsobadlyfromthenonstopsob-festthatIdidn’t

thinkwastrulyover.I’davoidedmyphone.Brittexted.Jacobtexted.

Camhadtexted.
CamhadalsotriedtostopbySundaynight,MondaynightandTuesdaynight.Everytimehediditwas

likeapunchtothestomach.

Ijustcouldn’tfacehim,becausethatlookonhisfacehadbeenasbadastheoneonmymother’s.
IthadbeenaroundfivemonthsaftertheHalloweenpartywhenIhaddecidedIcouldn’ttakeit

anymore.Theonslaughtofemails,texts,phonecalls,andFacebookmessageshadbeenbad,butatschool,
inreallife?Inthehallways,thebathrooms,thecafeteria,andtheclassrooms,peopledidn’tjustwhisper
aboutwhattheyheardhappenedwhenBlaineandIwentintohisbedroom.Theyopenlytalkedaboutitin
frontofme.Calledmeeverycombinationoflyingwhoreyoucouldcomeupwith.Theteachersdidn’t
stopit,neitherdidthestaff.

Someandthatpictureframethatusedtoholdthephotoofmeandmybestfriend—thesamegirlwho’d

calledmeaslutthatverydayinthecrowdedhallatschool—hadgottenfriendly.

MyparentscouldbarelylookatmebeforeIcutmywristbutafter?Inthehospitalroom,Momhadlost

it.Forthefirsttimein,likeforever,shehadlostit.

Shehadstormedintotheprivateroom,Dadtrailingbehindher.Hersharpgazeshotfrommyfaceto

mybandagedwrist.

Strickenpanichadcrossedhertooperfectfeatures,andIthoughtthatfinally,shewasgoingtopullme

intoherarmsandtellmethateverythingwasgoingtobeokay,thatwe’dgetthroughthistogether.

Thatlookofpainhadgivenwaytodisappointment,topity,andtoanger.
“Howdareyoushameyourselfandyourfamilylikethis,Avery.WhatamIsupposedtotellpeople

whentheyfindoutaboutthis?”Momhadsaidandhervoicehadshookasshestruggledtokeepquietin
thehospitalroom,butshelostcontrol.Thenextwordswereshrieked.“Aftereverythingelse,yougoand
dothis?Haven’tyouputusthroughenough?Whatiswrongwithyou,Avery?WhatisGod’snameis
wrongwithyou?”

ThenurseshaddraggedMomoutoftheroom.
Strangely,whatIrememberedfromthatnighthadbeenthatbrieflookofpaniconherfaceandhowI

hadmistakenlybelievedithadbeenthereoutofconcernforme.

ThatstrickenlookhadbeenonCam’sface,andIwantedtobesomebodyelse,becauseIknewthat

strickenlookwouldeventuallyturnintosomethingelse,intodisappointment,intopity,andintoanger.

AndIcouldn’tbeartoseethathappenwithCam.
Iwoulddoanythingtoavoidthat,evenifitmeanttakingdrasticsteps.SomewherebetweenTuesday

nightandWednesdaymorning,I’dmadeupmymindaboutthecurrentstateofmylife.

This…thisstuffwithCamhadbeendoomedforfailurefromthebeginning.Couldaguyandagirlwho

wereattractedtoeachotherreallybefriends?Ididn’tthinkso.Thingswouldgettoocomplicated.They’d

eitheractonthosefeelingsorstayawayfromeachother.Wehadtriedtoactonthosefeelingsforahot
second.Wekissedacoupleoftimes.Thatwasall.Andinreality,itwouldn’thavegonefurther.

Iwasn’tsurethatIcould’vegonefurther.Well,especiallynowIdidn’tthinkso.Camwouldeventually

moveonandIwouldhaveanabsolutelyobliteratedheart.Notbroken,butcompletelydestroyed,because
Cam…hewasfalling-in-love-withmaterial.AndIcouldn’tletthathappened.

Maybeyoualreadyhad,whisperedanevil,terrible,bitchyvoice.
SoonWednesdaymorningIwenttomyadvisorandmadeupsomeexcuseabouttherebeingtoomuch

schoolworkandthatIwasgettingbehind.Thelastdayforcompletewithdrawalfromaclasshadbeenat
theendofOctober,sotogetoutofastronomyIwouldhavetotakeanincomplete.

AnincompletewouldtotallybitchslapmyGPA,butthetruthwasIwasdoinggoodenoughintherest

ofmyclassesthatitwouldn’tkillmyoverall.

Therewasadecisiontomake.
FaceCamanddealwiththeinevitablebrokenheartortaketheincomplete.
Itooktheincomplete.
AndasIleftmyadvisor’soffice,IknewwhatI’ddonewasn’tsomuchmakingadecision.Iwas

running.Afterall,wasn’tthatwhatIwasgoodat?Running?

#

BritandJacobattemptedtostageaninterventionthefollowingweekend.Bothshowedupatmy

apartmentandifIhadn’tletthemin,Iwasconfidentthey’dbeatdownmydoor,orworse,involveCam.

Isatinmymoonchair,staringupatthem.“Guys,really…?”
Britfoldedherarms,chinraisedstubbornly.“Weareyourfriendsandobviouslyyou’refacingacrisis

ofsomesort,sowearehere,andyoucan’tgetridofusthateasily.”

“I’mnothavingorfacingacrisis.”God,hadCamtoldthemwhathe’dseen?Mystomachdropped,but

Itoldmyselfhewouldn’thavedonethat.AtleastIdidn’tthinkso.

“Really?”Jacobsaid,returningfromthekitchen.“Sinceyou’vecomebackfromThanksgivingbreak,

you’vebeenwalkingaroundlikeazombieandnotthecool,fastbrain-eatingkind.Youlookedlikeyou’ve
beencryingyoureyesout,you’vebeenavoidingCamandalltalkofhim,andthereisnothinggoodtoeat
inyourkitchen.”

Iraisedmybrowatthelaststatement.“Ihaven’tbeenavoidingCam.”
“Bullshit,”Britreplied.“ItalkedtoCamyesterday.Hesaidyouwon’ttalktohim,answerhisphone

callsoryourdoorwhenit’shim,andyouhaven’tbeentoastronomy.”

Asharppainslicedacrossmychest.Ialmostaskedifshehadapproachedhim,butfigureditdidn’t

matter.ThelessIthoughtabouthimthebetter.Notsayinghisnamehelped.

Havingmytwofriendsgivemethethirddegreeabouthimwasn’thelping.
“Didyouguysgetintoafight?”Jacobploppeddownonthecouch.
Hadwe?Notreally.Ishookmyhead.“It’snothing,guys.Wedidn’tgetinafight.Ijusthaven’tbeenin

themoodtotalktohim.”

Sheshotmeablandlook.“Avery,that’sbullshit,too.”
Iraisedmyhandshelplessly.
“Whyhaven’tyoubeengoingtoastronomy?”sheasked.
“Idroppedtheclass.”
Shegaped.“You’vedroppedtheclass?Avery,thelastdaytodropwas—oh,myGod,you’retakingan

incomplete?”

“It’snotabigdeal.”
Britstaredatme,sodidJacob.“Haveyou’velostyourfuckingmind,Avery?”

Iwinced.“No.”
Takingadeepbreath,BritglancedbetweenJacobandme.“Jacob,canyougetbacktothedormby

yourself?”

Hisbrowsknitted.“Uhyeah,it’snotthatfarofawalk,but—”
“Good,”shechirped.Leaningforward,shekissedhimonthecheek.“Seeyoulater.”
Jacobsatthereforamomentandthenshookhishead.Hegavemeaquickhugbeforeheleft.“Whydid

youkickhimout?”Iasked.

“Becauseweneedtotalkgirltogirl,”shereplied.
Ohdear.
Sheleanedforward,clenchingherknees.“Whathappenedbetweenyoutwo?”
IstruggledtocomeupwithagoodexcuseforwhyIwasavoidingCam.“It’sjustthatIdon’tthink

pursuingarelationshipwithhimistherightthing?”

“Okay.You’reentitledtodecidethat,butnofriendship?Tothepointyoucan’tbeinthesameclassas

him?”

“Wecan’tbefriends,”Isaidafterafewmoments,alreadywearywiththisconversation.“That’sjust

it,okay?Ireallydon’twanttotalkaboutthis.I’mnottryingtoberude,butthere’snothingtosay.Idon’t
wanttoseehim.Endofstory.”

Idon’twanttoseehim.Thethingaboutthatwasthatitwasonlypartiallytrue.Iwastooembarrassed

andashamedtoseehim,butImissedhim.Ithadonlybeenaweek,butImissedhissmartasscomments,
hiswitandcharm,and—Istoppedmyselfwithashakeofmyhead.

Britpushedherhairoffherforehead.“Alright,butIwanttoaskonequestionandIwantafucking

honestanswer,okay?”

Myeyeswidened.“Okay.”
“Didhetrysomething?”
“What?”Ishrieked.
Shemetmystare.“Didhehurtyouorsomething?”
“Oh,myGod,no.”Istood,runningmyhandsdownmyhips.“Camdidn’tdoanything.Ipromiseyou.

Hedidn’tdoanythingwrong.It’sme.Okay.Pleasedon’tthinkthatabouthim.”

Britnoddedslowly.“Ididn’tthinkhewould’ve,butIhadtoask.Ihadtoknow.”
Shestayedforalittlewhilelonger,switchingtheconversationtoherlatesthookupwithJimmie,and

forawhileIforgotaboutCamandthewholemess.

Whensheleft,shestoppedatthedoorandturnedbacktome.“Justincaseyou’rewondering,whenI

talkedtoCam,hewasreallyworriedaboutyou.Hewasupset.Whateverwentdownbetweenyoutwo,I
hopeyouguyscanworkitout,because…”

“Becausewhat?”
Shepressedherlipstogether,exhalingthroughhernose.“BecauseIthinktheguyreallydoescare

aboutyou,Avery.AndIthinkyoureallycareabouthim.Itwouldbeafuckingshameifyouguyscouldn’t
fixthisorworkthisoutoversomebullshit.”

#

Withthesemesterwindingdown,Ithrewmyselfintofinals.Withtheincompleteinastronomy,I

neededtoaceallmyexamstojusttomakemyselffeelsomewhatbetteraftermakingsuchacrazy
decision.Morethanonceoverthelastweekorso,Iwantedtopuntkickmyselfinthefacefortakingan
incomplete.Inthoseveryrarelogicalmoments,IcursedmyselfeverywhichwayfromSunday.Itwasa
stupid,stupiddecision,especiallyoveraboy,buttherewasnothingIcoulddonow.I’dmissedthelast
twoweeksofclassandtherewasnowayIcouldmakeupforthat.

AsIfinishedupmylastfinalofthesemester—music—Iheadedtothetrainstationwheremycarwas

parked.Facingthebrutalwindthatseemedtoblowstraightinmyeyes,Ipulledoutmycell.Therewerea
coupleofunreadtextsfromCamoverthelastweek,onefromtheUNKNOWNCALLERwhoapparently
gottiredofcallingmeawhoreovervoicemailandmovedontotextingit.JustlikeIavoidedmycousin’s
emails,IdidthesamewithCam’stexts.

Ididn’tdeletethemthough.I’mnotsurewhy.Ijustcouldn’tdoit.
TherewasamissedcallfromBrit.Shewantedtogettogetherbeforesheheadedhomeforwinter

break.NeitherhernorJacobbroughtupthestuffwithCamagain,butithungbetweenuseverytimewe
weretogether.Afterleavingcampus,Iheadedtothegrocerystoreforthelongoverduetrip.Imilled
throughtheaisles,notreallyfindinganythingappetizing,butmoreofjustthrowingstuffinmycart.

Onthewayout,IspottedOllieheadingintothepizzajointattheendofthestripmall.Wewereless

thanamilefromtheapartments,soitwasn’tasurprisetoseehimthere,butIstoppedinthemiddleofthe
parkinglot,myheartpounding.Hedidn’tlookovermyway,probablydidn’tevenseeme,butIsawhim
andIthoughtofthatstupidtortoise.

AlumpappearedinmythroatandIinhaledsharply.TearsburnedthebackofmyeyesasIforced

myselftothebackofmycar.Iunloadedthegroceries,focusingonthemundanetaskuntilIfeltthemessy
ballofemotionslidbackdown.

TheinevitablehappenedasIluggedupthelastofmygroceries.
IheardCam’sdooropenandIknewitcouldn’tbeOllie.MyheartstutteredandItriedtogetthedoor

openandgetthegroceriesinbeforehesawme,exceptthatwasn’tpossible.Dismissingtheidioticidea
ofleavingthegroceriesinthehall,Ibentover,grabbingasmanybagsaspossible.

“Avery.”
Squeezingmyeyesshut,Ifroze,threebagsofgroceriesdanglingprecariouslyfrommyachingfingers.

MythroatclosedupasIfelthimcomecloser.Itwasasifmybodywasawareofhimonsomekindof
subconsciouslevel.

“Letmehelpyou.”
Hisdeepvoicewoveitswaythroughmychest,workingashiverfromme.Iopenedmyeyes,butkept

mygazegluedtowhatIcouldseeofmyapartment.“Igotit.”

“Doesn’tlookthatway,”hereplied.“Yourfingersareturningpurple.”
Theywere.“It’sfine.”Istartedintomyapartment,butCammovedquickly.HeslidaroundmeandallI

sawwashismidsection.ThankGodhewaswearingasweater.Hishandcameintoviewandheextracted
thebagsfrommyfingers,brushingovermineintheprocess.Ijerkedback,causingoneofthebagstohit
thefloor.“Shit.”

Istoopeddown,grabbingmyhairconditionerbeforeitrolleddownthesteps.Camknelt,pickingup

therestofmyspilleditems.Inhishandsweremyshampoo,toothpaste,andtampons.Nice.Cursingunder
mybreath,Iforcedmygazeup.

Cam’sjawwasclampedshut,andIhadtolookawayquickly,becauseseeinghimwasn’tgood.
“Ifyoulaugh,Iwillpunchyouinthestomach,”Isaid,grabbingtherestofthegroceries.
“Iwouldn’tdarethinkoflaughing.”Ahintofamusementfilledhistone.
Hefollowedmeintomyapartment,movingpastmeandputtingthebagsonthecounter.Ididthesame,

myheartpumpingwithhiminmykitchen.“Youdidn’thavetohelp,butthankyou,”Isaid,handsshaking
asIpulledthemilkoutofoneofthebags.Hewasstillinthekitchen,standinginfrontofthedoor.“I
reallyneedto—”

“Doyoureallythinkyou’regoingtogetridofmethateasilynowthatI’minhere?”heasked.
Ishovedthemilkintothefridgeandwenttothefrozenstuff.“Icouldonlyhope.”

“Ha.Funny.Weneedtotalk.”
Stackingthefrozendinnersintoapile,Icarriedthemtothefreezer.“Wedon’tneedtotalk.”
“Yes,wedo.”
“No,wedon’t.AndI’mbusy.Asyoucansee,IhavegroceriestoputawayandI—”
“Okay,Icanhelp.”Camstrolledforward,headingtothecounter.“AndwecantalkwhileIhelpyou.”
“Idon’tneedyourhelp.”
“Yeah,Ithinkyoukindofdo.”
Iwhippedaround,leavingthefreezerdooropen.Coldairblewacrossthebackofmyneck,butI

barelyfeltitoverthepanicandangerofhavingtofacehim.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”

“Itdoesn’tmeanwhatyouthinkitdoes,Avery.Jesus.”Hethrustahandthroughhismessyhair.“AllI

wanttodoistalktoyou.That’sallI’vebeentryingtodo.”

“ObviouslyIdon’twanttotalktoyou.”Istormedovertothecounter,swipingthepackofhamburger

meatoffthecounter.Tossingitintothefreezer,Islammedthedoorshut.Severalitemsrattledinsideand
ontopofthefridge.“Andyou’restillhere.”

Camtookadeepbreathasthemusclealonghisjawstartedthrumming.“Look,Igetthatyou’renot

happywithme,butyouhavetofillmeinonwhatIdidtopissyouoffsobadlythatyouweren’ttalktome
oreven—”

“Youdidn’tdoanything,Cam!Ijustdon’twanttotalktoyou.”Pivotingonmyheel,Ileftthekitchen

andheadedforthefrontdoor.“Okay?”

“No,it’snotokay.”Hefollowedmeintothelivingroom,butstoppedbehindthecouch.“Thisisnot

howpeopleact,Avery.Theydon’tjustupanddropapersonorhidefromthem.Ifthere’s—”

“Youwanttoknowhowpeopledon’tact?”Stungbythetruthinhiswords,Ilashedout.“Peoplealso

don’tconstantlycallandharasspeoplewhoobviouslydon’twanttoseethem!Howaboutthat?”

“Harassyou?IsthatwhatI’vebeendoing?”Camletoutalaugh,butitcameoutharsh.“Areyou

fuckingkiddingme?Mebeingconcernedaboutyouisharassing?”

Iopenedmymouth,butthatmessyballhadreturned,almoststranglingme.“Ishouldn’thavesaidthat.

You’renotharassingme.Ijust…”Itrailedoff,runningbothmyhandsthroughmyhair.“Idon’tknow.”

Cam’slipsthinnedashestaredatme.Heshookhishead.“ThisisaboutwhatIsaw,isn’tit?”He

gesturedatmyarm,andItensed.“Avery,youcan—”

“No,”Isaid,holdingmyhand.“It’snotaboutthat.It’snotaboutanything.Ijustdon’twanttodothis.”
“Dowhat?”
“This!”Iclosedmyeyesbriefly,dragginginadeepbreath.“Idon’twanttodothis.”
“GoodGod,woman,allI’mtryingtodoistalktoyou!”
Hiswordstuggedatmyheart,butIshookmyheadasImethisgaze.“There’snothingtotalkabout,

Cam.”

“Avery,comeon…”Camsuckedinhisbottomlip,drawingmyattentionlikehe’ddangleda

cheeseburgerinthefaceofastarvingfratboy.“Okay,youknowwhat?I’mnotgoingtorakemyselfover
fuckinghotcoalsforthis.Fuckit.”

IflinchedasItookasteptotheside.Totallydeservedthat,butithurt—itsliceddeep.
Hebrushedpastme,reachingthedoor.“Look,I’mheadinghomeforwinterbreak.I’llbebackand

forth,soifyouneedanything…”Helaughedagain,thesoundhumorlessashethrusthisfingersthrough
hishair.“Yeah,youdon’tneedanything.”

AnachepouredintomychestasIwatchedhimpullopenthedoor.Cammadeitoutintothehallway

andthenheturnedaround.“You’restayinghere,allbreakbyyourself,aren’tyou?EvenChristmas?”

Silent,Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmychest.

Helookedaway,jawclenching.“Whatever.HaveagoodChristmas,Avery.”
CamstalkedtowardhisapartmentandIexpectedtohearthedoorslam,butdidn’tandsomehowthat

wasmuchworse.Iclosedmydoor,myeyesalreadyblurry.Thiswastherightthingtohappen.Ikept
tellingmyselfasIbackedupfromthedoor.Brithadbeenwrong.Therewasn’tanythingtoworkoutor
fix.Itwasbetterthisway.Ithadtobe.

Exceptitdidn’tfeelthatwayatall.

Chapter21

TwothingshappenedonChristmasDay.Myfathertextedmetowishmea“MerryXmas.”Xmas.

Couldn’teventypeoutChristmas.Sopersonal.Loveyoutoo,Dad.

Anditsnowedthatevening.
Ihadn’teverseenitsnowonChristmas.
Cavingintothetinytrillofexcitement,Ipulledonmyjacketandapairofthickbootsandthenslipped

outofmyapartment.EventhoughIknewnoonewashomeintheirapartment,notevenOllie,Iglancedat
theirdoorasIreachedthestairs.IwonderedwhowastakingcareofRaphael.

AheavyfeelingsettledinmychestasIforcedmyselfdownthestepsandoutfromundertheawningof

theapartmentbuilding.Stringsofmulti-coloredlightshungfromthewindowsofsomeoftheapartments.
Christmastreelightsshonefromothers.Ihadn’tputupanydecorations.Didn’tseemlikeitmadesenseto
gothroughallofthat,butIhadorderedmyselfaChristmaspresent.

Anewmessengerbag—distressedleather.Anewbagforanewsemester.
Idon’tknowwhereIwasheading,butIfoundmyselfinthelittlepatchoffieldontheothersideofthe

lastbuilding.Fluffywhiteflakesalreadydustedthegroundandwerefallingthickly.

Shovingmyhandsintothepocketsofmyjacket,Itippedmyheadbackandclosedmyeyes.Tinyflakes

droppedontomycheeksandlips.Eachlittlesliverwascoldandwet.Istoodtherelongenoughthatif
anyonelookedoutthewindow,they’dthinkI’dlostmydamnmind,butIdidn’tcare.

Camhadn’tcontactedmesincethedaywiththegroceries.
NotthatIhadexpectedhimto,buttherewasaknotinmychestwheneverIcheckedmyphoneand

therewasnothingfromhim.Howtwistedwasthat?ItoldhimthatIdidn’twanttotalktohim,sohe
stopped.ThatwaswhatIwanted,wasn’tit?

Adifferentkindofdampnesscoveredmycheeks,minglingwiththemistysnow,andIsighed.Opening

myeyes,IwatchedthesnowfallforafewmoresecondsandthenIheadedbackinside.

AsIstoodoutsidemydoor,IlookedoveratCam’sandwhispered,“MerryChristmas.”

#

ThedayafterNewYear’s,IhadenoughofmysolitaryconfinementanddidwhatIwantedtodo.On

thecoldandblusteryday,IpulledupGooglemapsanddroveintothenation’scapitalandvisitedthe
museums.

IwasproudofmyselfbythetimeIfoundaplacetopark.Ididn’ttakeoutafamilyoffourdrivingin

thecity,butgrowingupnearHoustonsortofpreparedmefortheinsanityofthesekindsofroads.

Themuseumswerepackedwithmostlyfamilies,andIwasn’tsureifthatwasnormalforadayaftera

holiday.IspentmostofmytimeintheEternalLifeofAncientEgyptportionoftheSmithsonian.Truly
amazingtoseetheartifactsfromthousandsofyearsago.

Andthemummywasprettydamnawesometoo.
ThehistorynerdinmewasallkindsofexcitedasIroamedthewidecorridors,eventhoughIwas

aloneandeverysomanyminutes,nomatterhowmanytimesItoldmyselftostop,Ithoughtabouthow
Camhadseemedlikehehadwantedtodothiswithme.Granted,thathadbeenrightbeforehe’dkissed
me,sohemighthavebeendownforjustaboutanythingatthatpoint.

Icouldn’tevenfoolmyselfintothinkinghewasstillbackhome,becausewhenIleftthismorning,I

spottedhissilvertruckparkedatthebackoftheparkinglot.Camwashome.

Istoppedinfrontofadisplayofpottery.Thinkingabouthimkissingsodidnothelp.Itmadeallofthis

worse.Iturned,spyingateenagecouplemoreinterestedinthefeelofeachother’smouthsthanallthe
wonderofhistorylaidoutbeforethem.

Apanghitmychest.
Okay,maybecomingherewasn’tthesmartestofallideas,butIcouldn’tstayhometoday.
Notwhenitwasmybirthday.
Thebig2-0.
Ihadn’theardfrommyparentsyet,butIfiguredthey’dtextorsomething,butbythetimeIleftthe

capitalalittlebeforefourintheafternoon,Ihadn’theardanythingfromthem.

Yeah,thatcarriedajellyfishtypeofsting.
IstoppedattheDairyQueennearmyapartmentandpickeduponeofthoseicecreamcakes.Iwasn’ta

hugefanoficecream,butwhatevermadeupthatcrunchystuffinthemiddlewasabsolutelydivine.

Withmylittlesliceofcake,Icurleduponthecouchandmadeitthroughhalfthefirstseasonof

Supernaturalbeforepassingoutatanembarrassinglyearlyhour.

Iwokeupsomewherebetweenfourandfiveinthemorning,feelinglikefoghadinvadedmybrain.

Pushingmyselfintoasittingposition,Iwincedattheviciousthrobbinginmytemples.Thinkingitwas
fromsleepingonthecouchinanawkwardposition,Istood.

“Whoa.”Ipressedmypalmtomyforeheadastheroomdidatilt-a-whirl.Myskinfelthot.WasI

sweating?

Istartedtowardmybedroomtochange,butonlymadeithalfwaybeforeIveeredofftothebathroom.
“OhGod,”Igaspedout.
CrampsseizedmystomachandIdroppedtomyknees,liftingthelidonthetoilet.Theicecreamcake

andeverythingelseIatethatdaycameup,quickandfast.Itwasimpressiveanditdidn’tstopforhours.
Assoonasitseemedlikeithadeasedout,Ileanedbackagainstthetub,restingmycheekonthecool
surface.Thatfeltgood,butthecalmfeelingdidn’tlastlong.MytummyclenchedandI’dbarelyreached
thetoiletintime.

Itwasofficial.
Godhaddonethewhole‘Ismitethee’bystrikingmedownwasanastycaseoftheinfluenzavirus.

HowhadIcaughtit?Didthatmatter?Hellno.NothingmatteredasIlayonthecooltilefloor,mycheek
smashedandmostlylikelynowcarryingthepatternofthefloor.Therewasnoconceptofhowmuchtime
hadpassed.IknewIneededmedicine,somethingfromthestore.Yes,thestorewouldbeagoodidea.
Chickensoup.TheraFlu.Pepto…

Stumblingtomyfeet,Ishuffledbackintothelivingroom.Thewallsseemedfunnytome,fuzzyanda

littlewarped,liketheywerewavingtome.Afteraminoradventure,Ifoundmypurseandkeysandmade
ittothefrontdoor.JustasIunlockedit,Ifelttheominousstirringinmystomach.

Idroppedmypurseandkeysandspun.Thewallsdanced.Notgood.Imadeitacoupleofstepsandmy

legsdidthestrangestthing.Theyjuststoppedworking.Done.Nothing.Icrackedthemoffthefloor,but
reallydidn’tfeelit.Crawlingtowardthekitchen,becauseIhadenoughsenselefttonotwanttodothison
thecarpet,Imadeittothesink.Ihauledmyselfupandleaningoverthesink,mystomachheaveduntil
tearsleakeddownmycheeks.

Ohman,thissucked.
Finally,whenthestormseemedtohavepassed,Isliddown,leaningbackagainstthecabinetsunder

thesink.Okay.Thestorewasoutofthequestion.Sowasbed.I’mnotsureifIstretchedoutorsortoffell
over,butIwasbackagainstthecoolflooragain.Atleastthekitchenfloorhadmorespace.

Adeepachesettledintomymusclesandbones.Myheadthrobbedsobadlyithurttoopenmyeyesor

toconcentrateonanythingotherthanthefactithurt.Itfeltlikesomeonehadshovedawoolbrushdown
mythroat.Mybrainfeltlikeitwastryingtorunthroughmuddywaters.Nothingreallymadesensetome.I
heardthephonechirpingfromsomewhereandthensometimelater,itrangandrang…anditrang.I

wonderedifitwasmyparents.Maybetheyrememberedthatyesterdaywasmybirthday.

IthinkImight’vefallenasleep,becausetherewasabangingthatsoundedfar,faraway.AndIthoughtI

heardmylivingroomdooropen.IwastothepointthatIdidn’tcareifitwasamassmurderer.I’d
welcomeanyonewillingtoputmeoutofmymisery.

“Avery?”Therewasapauseandthena,“Oh,myGod.”
Themurdererknewmynameandwastheprayingtype?Lovely.
Coolhandstouchedmyforehead.“Avery,ohmyGod,areyouokay?”
ThemurderersortofsoundedlikeBrit,soitwasobviouslynotamurderer.Iforcedmyeyesopeninto

thinslits.Herfaceblurredtogetherforasecond.Worryetchedintoherfeaturesandthenherface
warbled.

“Flu,”Imumbled.“Ihavetheflu…”
“Sothat’swhyitsmellsliketherewasavomitpartyinhere.”
Iwinced.“Ugh.”
“Yes,ugh,allofthisisugh.”
Iheardsomethingdroponthefloorandthenthecoolhandsweregone.Myfridgedooropenedand

wonderful,beautiful,coldairwashedoverthefloorandme.Iwasinheaven,freakingheaven.

ThedoorshutandBritreturned,waterinhand.“Youneedtodrinkwater.Comeon,helpmehelpyou

situp.”

Mumblingundermybreath,Igotmyhandsonthefloorbutmyarmsfelttooweak.Shegotanarm

aroundmeandhadmeleaningagainstthecabinet.Awaterbottleappearedbymydrylips.

“No.”Itriedtoknockheraway,butIcouldn’tliftmyarms.“You…get…flu…”
“Igottheflushot,sono.Drinkthiswater,Avery.Drinkit.”Sheputittomymouthagain,andthewater

ekedin,scorchingmythroat.“Itprobablyhurts,huh?Ifyoudrinkthiswater,I’llgotothestoreandget
yousomestuff,okay?Ithinkyouhaveafever.”Herhandpressedagainstmyforehead.“Yep,youhavea
fever.”

IthinkIdrankthewaterandthenIthinkIfaceplantedthefloorafterward.Everythingblurred.Brit

wastalkingtomeandIthinkIresponded.Noideawhatwascomingoutofmymouth.Sheleftmeonthe
flooratsomepointandthenIheardheragain,outinthelivingroom,speakinginalowvoice.Thepainin
myheadwastoomuchtoopenmyeyes.

ArmsslippedundermeandforasecondIwasfloating.ThenIshifted,restingagainstsomethingwarm

andhard.Imoaned,turningmyheadtowardit.Therewasafamiliar,soothingscentthattuggedatme,
lulledmeunderuntilIwaslyingonsomethingmuchmorecomfortableandtherewassomethingcooland
damppressedtomyforehead.

Isleptonandoff,wakingeverysooftentorealizeIwasn’talone.Someonesatbesidemeonthebed,

holdingaclothtomycheeks.Imurmuredsomethingbeforefallingbackasleep.I’mnotsurehowlongthis
lasted,butfinallymyeyesopened,anditwaslikecomingoutofacoma.Thelightfilteringthroughthe
windowwastooharshandthethrobbingwasstillinmyheadbutdullerthanbefore.

Iopenedmymouth,butimmediatelystartedhacking.
FootstepspoundedfromthehallandsuddenlyBritwasinmybedroomdoorway,aglassofwaterin

onehandandamugintheother.“You’realive!ThankGod,IwasbeginningtothinkIaccidentallykilled
youbyforcingmedsdownyourthroat.”

Ilookedatherdumbly.“Itookmedicine?”
“Yep.”Shebouncedovertomeandsatonthebed.“You’vetakenmedicinetwiceandyou’reaboutto

takeitagain.Youneedtodrinkallofthiswater.Andthenyouneedtodrinkthis—moremedicine.My
mom,who’sanursebytheway,saidthatsinceitseemslikeyourfeverbrokelastnight,youshouldbe

fine.Well,youshouldbebetter.”

“Lastnight?”Coveringmymouthwithmyhand,IstartedhackingagainasItookthewaterfromher.

Wehadtowaitforthattopass.“What…timeisit?”

Britsatontheedgeofthebed,holdingthesteamingmug.Icouldalreadysmellthelemon.“Time?

Honey,daywouldprobablybethebetterquestion.It’sSaturday.”

Ialmostchokedonmywater.“I’vebeen…outofitfor…afullday?”
“Afulldayandahalf,”shesaid,sympathetic.“WhenItextedandcalledyouandyoudidn’tanswer,I

gotworried.That’swhyIcameover.Youwereprettybad.Momsaiditwasprobablyfromdehydration.”

MullingthatoverwhileIfinishedoffthewater,Iplacedtheglassonthenightstandandtookthemug

fromher.AnothercoughingfithitmeandonlybysomemiracledidInotspillitonmyself.“Didyou…
stayherethewholetime?”

“Nottheentiretime.Ihadhelp.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Really,thankyou.I’dstilllayingon…thefloorifitweren’t…foryouand

Jacob.”

Sheshookherhead.
Suddenly,somethingveryimportantoccurredtome.Iglanceddownatmyself.Iwaswearingalong

sleevesleepshirt.MybrawasstillonandIwasinpajamabottoms—ohmyGod—mybraceletwasoff.
Myheadjerkedupwaytofast,causingtheachetospreadacrossmyface.Thebraceletsatonthe
nightstand.“Didyou…?”

“Yesandno,”shesaid,messingwiththeshortponytailatthetopofherhead.“Ihelpedyougetintothe

bottoms.”

“Thenwho…?”AsinkingfeelinghadmethinkingIwasgoingtohavetorunforthebathroomagain.

“Oh,myGod…”

Britwinced.“Don’thateme,Avery,butIdidn’tknowwhatelsetodo.Icouldn’tgetyouoffthefloor.

Forsomeonewhoissolittle,youweighatonandIhavemoremusclesthanJacob.Camwasrightacross
thehallanditseemedlikethequickestsolution.”

OhmyGod,Icouldn’tevenwrapmysickbrainaroundthislittlepieceofnews.IfBrithadn’tstripped

mefrommysweatsoakedsweater,ithadtohavebeenCam,whichmeanthewastheonewhoplacedthe
braceletonthenightstand.

Iclosedmyeyes.
“Areyoufeelinglikeyou’regoingtohurlagain?”
“No,”Isaidhoarsely.“So…soCamwashere?”
“HecarriedyoutothebedandstayedwithyouwhileIrantothestore,”shesaid,crossingherlegs.

“WhenIcameback,he’dchangedyourshirtandhesworehedidn’tpeekatyourgoodies.Though,Iwas
staringathisgoodies.Hewasshirtlesstheentiretime.EventhoughIhadeverywindowinthishouse
opentoairoutallyourfunk.”

Allmyfunk.Camwasallupinmyfunk.
“Hewasliketheperfectnurse.Hadadampclothtoyourface,keepingyoucool.”Britsigheda

dreamysound.“HeevenstayedwithyouwhileIcleanedupyourmess.”

“Thankyou,”Isaidagain,finishingoffthemug.“Imeanit,thankyousomuch.Ioweyou.”
“Youdo.”Sheflashedaquickgrin.“YoualsooweCam.”
Icollapsedbackagainstthebed,closingmyeyes.“Ibetyouhadtobeghimtocomeover.”
“No,”shereplied,pokingmyleguntilIlookedather.“Ididn’thavetoaskhimtwice.Hedropped

whathewasdoingandcamerightovertohelpyou.”

Chapter22

Thesicknesshadlingeredandturnedintoadisgusting,hackingcoldthatItreatedobsessivelywith

everyoverthecountermedicineknowntoman.Bythefirstdayofspringsemester,Iwasstillcoughing,
butIfeltwellenoughtogotoclass.

Onthewaydownstairs,IgrewsomeladyballsandwentovertoCam’sapartment.Ineededtothank

him,facetofaceandnotovertext.WithmyheartpoundinglikeI’drunupanddownthestairs,Iknocked
onhisdoor.

Heavyfootstepssoundedontheothersideofthedoorsecondsbeforeitflungopen,revealingOlliein

allhismessyglory.Asleepysmilecrossedhislips.“Heythere,gladtoseeyouupandwalkingaround.”

“Thanks.”Ifeltmycheekswarm.“IsCamup?”
“Yeah,letmecheck.Holdonasec.”Heleftthedooropenacrackashedisappearedbackinthe

apartment.Afewmoments—momentsthatfeltlikeforever—hereturned,alittlelessrumpled.“Actually,
he,umleftalreadyforclass.”

“Oh.”Ismiledtohidemydisappointment.“Well,I’ll…seeyouaround.”
“Yeah.”Ollienoddedasheranahandthroughhisshoulderlengthhair.“Hey,Avery,Ihopeyou’re

feelingbetter.”

“Iam.Thanks.”
Givinghimalittlewave,IreadjustedthestrapofmynewbagandthenpulledoutmyglovesasI

headeddownthestairsandoutintothebright,freezingmorning.Istoppedafewspacesbehindmycar,
myhearttumbling.

Thereitwas—Cam’struck.
Hehadn’tleftforclass.He’dbeenintheapartment.Thetruthwasascoldastheweather.Olliehad

gonebacktohim,andCamhadn’twantedtoseeme.

#

IsawCamaroundcampusalotoverthenextfewweeks.Itseemedwehadaschedulethatplacedus

neareachotherandeverytimeIsawhim,hewaswithJaseor,likethedaybefore,withSteph.

WheneverIsawhimwithher,therewasanastylittlefeelingthatsettledinmystomach.Ihadnoright

tothatfeeling.Iknewthat,butitdidn’tstopmefromwantingtotakeoffandkarate-chopStephintonext
week.

Butthatwasn’ttheworsepartofspottinghim.Mosttimeshewouldseeme,andifourgazescollided,

healwayslookedaway.Itwaslikewehadn’tbeenfriendsforalmostfivemonthsorthatwehadn’t
sharedanyintimatemoments.Itwaslikewedidn’tevenknoweachother.

ItremindedmeofhowthingshadbecomewithmyfriendsinhighschoolaftertheHalloweenparty.

Asifourtimetogetherhadbeenerased.

OnFriday,asmallopeningoccurred.Camwasalone,crossingthemainstreet,headingtowardKnutti,

hisheaddownandhandsshovedintothepocketsofhishoodie.

“Cam!”Iyelledhisnamesosuddenlythatitcausedaratherpatheticsoundingcoughingfitthatwas

leftoverfrommycold.

Hestopped,liftinghischin.Wispsofdarkhaircurledoutfromundertheknitcaphewore.
Istruggleduptherestofthehill,chestandlegsaching.Outofbreath,Istoppedinfrontofhim.

“Sorry,”Icroakedout,takingseveraldeepbreaths.“Needasecond.”

Hisbrowsknitted.“Yousoundterrible.”
“Yeah,it’stheBlackDeathanditnevergoesaway.”Iclearedmythroat,forcingmyeyestomeethis.

Foramoment,asIstaredintothosecrystallineeyes,IforgotwhyIhadforcedhimtostop.

Somethingcrossedhisfaceandthenheavertedhisgaze,amusclethumpinginhisjaw.“I’vegottoget

toclass,so…?”

Caminahurrytogettoclass?Theapocalypsewasabouttooccur.Ifoughttheurgetojustwalkaway

atthatpoint,becauseitwaspainfullyobvioushehadnointerestinthisconversation,butIstoodmy
ground.Iowedittohim.

“IjustwantedtosaythankyouforhelpingBritoutwhenIwassick.”
Hislipspursedashefocusedonsomethingbeyondme.“It’snotabigdeal.”
“Itwastome,”Isaidquietly,wishinghe’dlookatme.“Sothankyou.”
Camnoddedcurtlyandthentookadeepbreath.Hisgazeflickeredbacktomeandthenaway.His

shoulderstensed.“You’rewelcome.”

“Well…”Iranoutofsomethingtosaybecauseeverythingthatcametomindshouldn’tbespoken.Like

I’msorryforbeingsuchabitch.AndIwishyouhadn’tseenthescar.

“I’vegottogo,”hesaidfinally,backingtowardthesideentranceofthebuilding,whereseveral

studentssmoked.“I’llseeyouaround.”

“I’msorry,”Iblurtedout,myheartstuttering.
Camturnedaround,eyesnarrowedanditwaslikehewaswaitingforsomething,butthenheshookhis

head.“Metoo.”

Ididn’tstophimagain.
TearsburnedthebackofmythroatandsomehowImadeittoEnglish102,whichwasinthesame

buildingashim.ThemorningwasanumbblurandwhenImetwithJacobandBritinthedenforlunch,I
barelyfollowedtheirconversationasIpickedatmysandwich.Ithinktheywereusedtoitthough,
becauseneitherofthempointeditout.

AsBritandIwalkedtoWhitehallforeconomics,ItoldheraboutmyruninwithCam.“Hedidn’twant

anythingtodowithme.”

“Idon’tthinkthat’sthecase,Avery.”
“Oh,itis.Hewasinahurrytogetthehellawayfromme.Actuallysaidhecouldn’tbelateforclass,

andcomeon,Camnevercaresaboutthat.”

Brittuggedhercapdownoverherearsaswestoppednearthepavilioninfrontofthesocialsciences

building.“CanIberealwithyou?”

“Yes.”
Sheclaspedherglovecoveredhandstogether.“YouknowIloveyou,right?SoI’mjustgoingtoput

thisoutthere.YouavoidedCamsinceThanksgiving,andtome,tohim,andbabyJesus,itseemslikethat
waswhatyouwanted.Forhimtojustgoaway.”

Iopenedmymouth,butwhatcouldIsay.ThatwaswhatIwanted.
“Andsohehasgoneaway.Youcan’tblamehimforthat.Theguyisonlygoingtoputupwithsomuch,

youknow?”Shepursedherlips.“Andafterignoringhimforthatlong,he’sprobablynotgoingtobe
thrilledtalkingtoyou.”

“Iknow,”Iadmitted.“It’sjust…”
“You’vefinallypulledyourheadoutofyourassandyou’reworriedit’stoolate?”
Wasthatit?Iwasn’tsure,butIhopednot,becauseatleastwithmyheadinmyass,itwasalittleless

depressing.

“Giveitsometime,”shesaid,droppingherarmaroundmyshoulders.“Ifhedoesn’tcomearound,then

fuckhim.”

“Fuckhim,”Irepeated,butIreallydidn’tfeelit.
Britsqueezedmeanyway.“That’smygirl.”

#

Fridaynight,Istaredatmyeconhomework,convinceditwasatotallydifferentlanguagedesignedto

confusethehelloutofpeople.Concentratingwasprovingdifficultforseveralreasons.SeveraltimesI
foundmyselfstaringattheTVscreen,notreallyseeingwhatwasonthetelevision,myheadgoingin
differentdirections,mostofthemleadingbacktoCam.

Iwasgettingsickofmyself.
Myphonesuddenlywentoff,ringingfromdeepinsidemybag.Diggingitout,IgroanedwhenIsawthe

caller’sname.Mycousin.Iwasabitsurprisedthathewasactuallycallingmeafterthedozensofemails
I’dignored.

Butthefactthathewascallingmeiswhatmademebitethebulletandanswer.
“Hello,”Isaid,myvoicemonotone.
Therewasasilentmomentandthen,“Youansweredthephone?”
“Whywouldn’tI?”Yeah,thatsoundedridiculouseventome.“What’sup,David?”
“Haveyou’vereadanyofmyemails?”Theuppitynessthatwasnormallyinhistonewasabsent.

Shocking.

“Ah,Ireadoneortwo,butI’vebeenbusy,withcollegeandall.”Istoodandnudgedmybagunderthe

coffeetable.“So…”

David’ssighwasquiteaudible.“Youdon’tknowanything?Haveyourparentstriedtocontactyou?”
Isnorted.“Um,no.Theyforgotmybirthday.”
“Sorryaboutthat,”hereplied,andIcouldpracticallyseehiscringe.“Ithoughtthattheymighthave

triedtotellyouaboutwhat’sbeengoingonhere.Itsortofhastodowithyou.”

Walkingintothekitchen,IfrownedasIgrabbedasodaoutofthefridge.“Howdoesanythingback

therehaveanythingtodowithme?”

Therewasapauseandthebombofallbombswasdropped.“It’saboutBlaineFitzgerald.He’sbeen

arrested.”

Thecanofsodaskippedfrommyfingersandclangedoffthefloor.Itrolledunderthetable.Istood

there,staringatthefridge.“What?”

“He’sbeenarrested,Avery.That’swhyI’vebeentryingtogetaholdofyou.Ithought…Idon’tknow,

Ithoughtyouwouldliketoknow.”

Mylegsfeltweak,soIturnedandclutchedthecounterwithonehand.TheroomtiltedlikeIwassick

again.

“Avery,areyouthere?”
“Yes,”Isaid,swallowing.“Whathappened?”
“Itwasatthestartofsummer,butitwaskeptquietuntilaboutthemiddleofAugust,whenhewas

arrested.Therewasapartybeingthrown.SomeyoungerkidsweretherefromwhatIheard,”he
explained,andIclosedmyeyes.“Itwasagirlyouwenttoschoolwith.Ithinkshewasayearyounger
thanyou—MollySimmons.”

Irememberedseeinghernameinoneofhisemailsandassumingsomethingtotallydifferent.“What…

didhedo?”

Daviddidn’tanswerimmediately.“Hewaschargedwithsexualassaultandseveralotheroffenses.He

goestotrialinJune,buthasbeenoutonbail.It’snotlookinggoodforhim.There’salotofevidence.The
onlyreasonIknowanyofthisisbecausehisfathercametominetorepresenthiscase.Myfatherturned
thecasedown.Iwantyoutoknowthat.”

Ididn’tknowwhattosaytothat.Thankyoufornotrepresentingtheasshole?Ididn’tknowwhattosay

atall.Iwasstunned.I’dalwayswonderedifBlainehaddonewhathe’ddonetometosomeoneelseand

ifmysilencewouldenablehimtodoitagain.Ihadhopednot—I’dprayedthatwouldn’tbethecase.

“Thegirlhe…rapedcontactedyourfamily.”
Ididn’tknowwhatIwasmoreshockedabout:thefactthatthisgirlcontactedmyfamilyorthatDavid

hadactuallysaidrape.“What?Why?Ihaven’tsaidanything.I’vekeptmy—”

“Iknow,Avery.Iknowyoudidn’tsayanything,butshewenttothesamehighschoolasyou.Sheheard

therumorsaboutyouandBlaine,andwell,sheputtwoandtwotogether.Shewenttoyourparentsfirst
andI’msureyouknowhowwellthatwent.”

IneededtositdownbeforeIfelldown.
“Whentheyrefusedtoevenspeaktoher,shecametome.”Davidpaused.“Ididn’ttellheranything,

Avery.That’snotmyplace,butIthinkshe’sbeentryingtogetaholdofyou.Idon’tknowhowshegot
yourinformation.”

“Idon’tthinkshehas.”Iploppeddownonthecouch.Thenagain,IdeletedalmosteveryemailIdidn’t

recognize.“Thegirl?Isshe…okay?Imean,didsheseemlikeshewasokay?”

Davidclearedhisthroat.“Honestly?No.”
Rubbingmybrow,Iletoutalowbreath.“Ofcourseshe’snot.Thatwasastupidquestion.”
“Youmightwantto,uh,checkyouremailorsomething.Shereallyseemedlikesheneededtotalkto

youandthatwasbackinAugust.”

“Ican’tsayanythingtoher.IfIdoanditgetsout,hisfamilywillsuemeandmyfamilyformillions.”

Bileroseinmythroat.“It’sapartofmynondisclosure.”

“Iknow,”Davidsaid.“ButlikeIsaid,Ithoughtyou’dliketoknowwhatishappening.”
MyheadwasfullofsomuchIcouldbarelypickonequestiontoask.“Andthecharges?Youthink

they’regoingtostick?That’she’sgoingtogotojail?”

“FromwhatFatherhasseen,thechargesaregoingtostick.He’sgoingtogotoprison,Avery,atleast

forseveralyears.”

Myeyesflutteredopen.Reliefswampedme,sopotent,sopowerfulthatitwaslikehavingatonof

bricksremovedfrommychest.NeverinmywildesthopeshadIexpectedthis.Blainewasn’tgoingtojail
becauseofwhathehaddonetome,butjusticewasbeingserved.Finally.Ijusthatedthatthishadto
happentoanothergirl—agirlwhoprobablyfacedaterribleamountofcensureforcomingforward,but
hadstucktoit.Abitofthereliefturnedintoguiltandshame.WhatifIhadtoldmyparentsno?WhatifI
hadheldmyground?ThismightnothavehappenedtoMolly.AndonlyGodknowshowmanyothergirls
thiscould’vehappentothatwe’dneverknowabout.Mystomachroiledatthethought.

“Anyway,”Daviddrewthewordout.“Ijustwantedtoletyouknow.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid,meaningit.“I’msorryaboutnotresponding.Ithought…well,itdoesn’tmatter

whatIthought.”

“Iknowwhatyouthought.Ihaven’treallygivenyouareasontothinkanythingotherthanthat.”He

paused,andmyeyeswidened.“Look,IwanttotellyouthatI’msorry.”

“What?”
“Alltheseyears,well,Ineverknewwhatreallyhappened,butIshould’vedonesomething,”hesaid.

“I’msorry.I’msorryyouhadtogothroughwhatyoudid.”

Emotioncrawledupmythroat.Nothingshortofamazinghappened.NotonlywasDavidremovedfrom

myfantasy‘shitlist,’thosetwowords,suchsimplewords,werelikeabrightbeaconinthemiddleofthe
night.Myfingerstrembledaroundthephone.Isqueezedmyeyesshut,butatearsnuckout.

“Thankyou,”Iwhisperedhoarsely.“Thankyou.”

Chapter23

IwasstillinastateofshockmostofSaturday,somuchsothatwhenImetwithJacobandBritforour

studydatewithcoffee,Icouldn’tevenrememberwhatthehellIhaddonewiththemandthenaftereating
aquickdinnerofmacncheese,IrealizedthatIleftmybaginmycar,alongwithmyphone.

Toodistractedandalittlebitlazy,Ididn’tevenputshoesonasIyankedopenmydoorandsteppedout

intothehallway,drawingupshortwhenIspottedOlliecomingupthestairswithacaseofbeerinhis
hands.

“Hey!”Hesmiled.“Whatareyoudoingouthere…inyoursocks?”
“Uh,Iwasrunningtomycartogetmybag.”Ishiftedmyweight.“Thirsty?”
Ollielaughed.“WhileI’malwaysthirsty,thisisnotforme.There’safighttonightandwe’vegotafew

peopleover.”

“Soundslikefun.”
“Yeah…”Heglancedathisdoor,switchingthecasetohisotherarm.“Whydon’tyoucomeover?”
Myheartjumped.“Oh,Idon’tknowaboutthat.Maybeanother—”
“Comeon,themainfighthasn’tevenstartedyet,soyouhaven’tmissedanything.”
Ihesitated.“Idon’tknow…”
Olliestuckouthislowerlip,anditwassoridiculous,thatIlaughed.“Camwillbehappytoseeyou.”
“Yeah,Idon’tthink—”
“Soundslikeaplanrightthere,”heinterrupted.“Don’tthinkaboutit.Comeover.Justforalittle

while,okay?MaybewecantakeRaphaelforawalk.”

Ilaughedagain,thinkingofOllieandthepoortortoiseasIglancedbackattheirapartment.Why

shouldn’tIstopby?ItwouldbeanormalthingtodoandOllielivedthere.Hecouldinviteme.AndifI
washonestwithmyself,IwantedtoseeCam.

I…Imissedhim.
Takingadeepbreath,Inodded.“Okay.Justforalittlewhile.”
“Great!”Ollieloopedhisfreearmthroughmine,andbeforeIcouldchangemymind,heledmedown

thehall.

“Wait!Idon’thaveshoeson.”
“Whocares?”Hegavemeagoofygrinaswecrossedtheshortdistance.“Shoesareoverrated.”
MyheartratekickedupasOllienudgedthedooropen.Immediatelythesoundoflaughterandfighting

amplifieduntilforamoment,Iwaslittleoverwhelmed.EveryonewasfocusedontheTV.Ollieletgoof
myarmandsetthecaseinthefridge.Hepickeduptwoshotglassesoffthecounterinthekitchen.Whatin
thehellwasIdoinghere?

“Josewelcomesyou,”heofferedmeoneofthetinyglasses.
MyhandshookalittleasItookit.Thevoiceinmyheadtoldmeno,butGoddamnit,Iwastiredof

thatvoice.ItwasthesamevoicethathadtoldmetotellCamtogoaway.Thesamevoicethattoldmeto
listentomyparents.ThesamevoicethattoldmetoletBlainetakemeintothatroom.Thatvoicehaddone
nothingbutfuckmeover.Idownedtheshotandimmediatelymyeyeswateredastheliquidscorchedmy
throat.

“Holysmokes,”Imuttered,blinkingrapidly.
Ollielaughedashereplacedtheshotwithabottleofbeerandthenhegrabbedmyarm,pullingback

intothelivingroom.“LookwhoIfound!”heshouted.

Severalheadsturned,andmyfingerstightenedaroundtheneckofthebeer.Ididn’tseeanyoneexcept

himandthemomentIlaideyesonCam,Iknewthiswasabad,badidea.

ItseemedlikemonthssinceIlastsawhim.
Camsatonthecouch,baseballcaponbackward.Hewasleaningforward,yellingatthetwoguyson

theTVthatwerebeatingthecrapoutofeachother.Theburgundyhoodiewasunzipped,revealingawhite
shirtunderneath.BesidehimonthecouchwasSteph.

Itookahealthydrinkofthebeer.
Shelookedperfect,asusual.Hairaglossybrunette,thetightblackturtleneckstretchedoverher

breasts.Shemust’vesaidsomething,becauseCamfinallylookedover,anditwaslikebeingpunchedin
thechest.

Surpriseflickeredacrosshisstrikingfaceandthenhisgazedroppedtowhatwasinmyhand.His

browsshotupandthenoureyeslocked.Myheartseemedtoskipabeat.Tome,itseemedlikeeveryone
stoppedtalkingandstartedstaring,butinreality,onlysecondspassedandnooneprobablyevennoticed
anything.

Onesideofhislipscurvedup.“Hey.”
“Hey,”Irepliedlamely.
Hecontinuedwatchingmeforafewmoremomentsandthenturnedbacktothescreen,shoulders

straightandtense.Hedidn’twantmehere.Itwaswrittenalloverhim,andbesides,Stephwasbeside
him.

Istartedforthedoor,butsomehowOllieendedupbehindmeandthenextthingIknew,hehadme

sittinginanemptyrecliner,facingtheTV.Twoshirtlessguysinspandexshirtswerepunchingeachother
intheface.

Hmm.
Tensed,IdrankthebeerfasterthanIprobablyshould’ve.Steph’shuskychucklecrawledintomy

stomachandstartedclawingatmyinsides.Overthecourseofminutes,shewaspracticallyinCam’slap
now,onehandwrappedaroundhisbicep.Sheleanedinandwhisperedinhisear.Camshookhishead,
andthemostperfectpoutfilledoutherlips.Whathadshesaid?

Someone—Ollie,maybe?—handedmeanothershotofJosethatwarmedmystomachandwashedaway

Steph’sclaws.

“Likethesocks.”
Glancingup,IsawoneofCam’sfriends.Ididn’tknowhisnameorreallyrecognizehisface,buthe

hadanicesmile.Istretchedmylegsout,wigglingmytoesinmyrainbowcoloredsocks.“Thanks.”

Heranahandovertheclose-cutbrownhairandclaspedthebackofhisneck.“Soyounormallywatch

UFCfights?”

Ilookedatthescreen.Aguywaskickedbackintothecage.“ThisisthefirsttimeI’vewatchedoneof

these.”

“Youdon’tsoundlikeyou’llbewatchingoneoftheseagain.”
Openingmymouth,Iwassurprisedtohearagigglecomeout.“Yeah,Idon’tknowifthiswillbe

somethingIwatchregularly.”

“Well,that’sadamnshame,”theguysaidwithaslightgrin.“Camordersthiseverymonthandyou

comingwouldbesomethingelsetolookforwardto.”

Ididn’tsayanythingtothatandturnedbacktotheTV,runningmyhandovermyknee.Theshotsand

beerweremakingmymuscleswarmandmythoughtsfuzzy.TheguyaskedifIwantedanotherdrinkandI
realizedmybottlewasempty.

“Sure.”Thesmilethatcrossedmyfacefeltoverlywideandbright.
Returningwithacoldone,hesatonthearmofmychair,andbeyondhim,IsawCamlookupandhis

eyesnarrow.“Hereyougo.”

“Thanks.”Itookadrink,nowtothepointwhereIcouldeasilyignorethenastyaftertastethatfilledmy

mouth.MygazecollidedwithCam’sforasecondandIforcedmyselftolookaway.Iendedupstaringup
attheguybesideme.“I’msorry.Ididn’tcatchyourname.”

Theguynudgedmyshoulder.“Idon’tthinkwe’vemeantbefore.I’mHenry.”
“Avery,”Isaid.
Herepeatedmynamewithasmile.“Likeit.It’sdifferent.”
“Likemysocks?”
Henrylaughedasheglancedatthescreen.“Yeah,likeyoursocks.Soyougoingtocollege,Avery?”
Inodded.“Youdon’t?”
“Nope.Graduatedacoupleofyearsago.IknowCamfrom…well,fromthisthingwedo.”Hetooka

swigfromhisbeerasItriedtofigureoutwhatthatmeant.Helookeddownatme,browsfurrowed.“Are
youoldenoughtobedrinking.”

Igiggled.“Nope.”
“Didn’tthinkso.Youlookprettyyoung.”
“I’mnotthatyoung.Ijustturnedtwenty.”
“ThankGodyou’relegal,”hesaid,shakinghisheadashisbrowsrose.“Ijustwon’ttellanyoneabout

thebeerinyourhand.”

Cockingmyheadtotheside,Itriedtofigureouthisage.“Howoldareyou?”
Heglanceddownatme.“Oldenoughtoknowbetter.”
BeforeIcouldgethimtoelaborateonthat,Camyelledout.“HeyHenry,comehereasecond.”
Henrypushedoffthearmofthereclinerandmadehiswayaroundacoupleoftheotherguys.Stephsat

backandcrossedherarmsasCammotionedHenrytoleandown.IhadnohopeofhearingwhatCamhad
saidtohim,butHenrybackedawayandheadedovertowhereJasewasleaningagainstthebarestretchof
wall.

Morethancurioustowhatwasgoingonoverthere,Ifeltthestrongurgetodosomeinvestigation.I

openedmymouth,becausewhythehellnot,butStephhadaholdofCam’sarm,andIwasdistracted.He
waswhisperingtoher.Shejerkedherhandbackandshotmewhatcouldonlybedescribedasa‘bitch’
look.Frankly,itwasafuckingworkofartandIwassortofjealousofthatlevelofmastery.

IglancedoveratHenry,andhelookedup.Hewinked,andIsmiledinreturned,feelingsortofgiddy.

MyskinprickledalongmyneckandIturnedtowhereCamsat.Hewasstaringatme,andIstartedto
smileathim,too,butthenheglancedtowardHenry.

Cammutteredsomething,andStephshottoherfeet,stalkingbacktowardthehallbathroom,yanking

thedooropen.ThenCamwasup,comingtowardme,andmygiddinesswasallconsuming.Abig,stupid
smilebrokeoutacrossmyface.Ithadbeensolongsincewetalked,andImissedhim,Ireallydid.

Camwas…hewasspecial…tome,andIwantedtogobackintime,toThanksgiving,andnothave

overreacted.IwantedtotakebackdroppingastronomyandIwishedIhadn’tavoidedhim.Iwantedto
notbethatgirlwhodidstupid,stupidthingslikethat.IwantedCamtosmileatmelikeheusedto.

Hewasn’tsmilingnow,that’sforsure.“Comewithmeforasec?”
I’dgoanywherewithhim.
Jumpingup,Iswayedastheroomseemedtotilttotheside.“Whoa.”
Hisjawclenchedashecaughtmyarm.“Youokaytowalk?”
“Yes.Ofcourse.”ItookastepandbumpedintoCam.Igiggledatthedoubtfullookthatcrossedhis

face.“I’mokay.”

CamshotOllieadarkglareasheledmeintothebrightlylitkitchen,backingmeupagainstthecounter.

Hestoodbetweenmeandthedoorway,armsfoldedoverhischest.“Whatareyoudoing,Avery?”he

askedinalowvoice.

Iheldupmybottle.“Drinking.Whatareyoudoing?”
Hisicyblueeyesnarrowed.“That’snotwhatI’mgettingatandyouknowthat.Whatareyoudoing?”
Damn.Helloattitude.ItriedtogiveCamthebitchlookStephhadmastered,screwingmyfaceupuntil

I’msureIlookedlikeIwashavingaseizure.Isighedandgaveup.“I’mnotdoinganything,Cam.”

“You’renot?”Heraisedhisbrows.“You’redrunk.”
“Amnot!”
Hegavemeablandlook.“Adrunk’sfamouslastwordsbeforetheyfallflatontheirface.”
“Thathasnothappened…yet.”
Camshookhisheadandthenhegrabbedmyarm,pullingmebackintothelivingroom.Ithoughthe

wasgoingtomakemesitbesidehimorsomething,likeIwasinatimeout,butheopenedthefrontdoor
andledmeoutintothechillystairwell.

“Um…”NotwhatIwasexpecting.
“Youneedtogohome,Avery.”HeletgoofmyarmandpointedatmyapartmentdoorlikeIhadno

ideawhereIlived.

MymouthdroppedopenasIclenchedthebottletomychest.“Areyouserious?”
“Yes.I’mfuckingserious.You’redrunkandthatshitisnotgoingdowninfrontofme.”
“Whatshit?”Itookastepback,bewildered.“I’msorry.Ollieinvitedme—”
“Yeah,andI’mgoingtokickhisasslater.”Jawsetinahardline,heranhishandthroughhishair.“Just

gohome,Avery.I’lltalktoyoulater.”

Thebackofmythroatburned.AthousandthoughtsracedthroughmyheadasIstaredathim.“You’re

madatme—”

“I’mnotmadatyou,Avery.”
Sureashelldidn’tseemthatway.Ishuffledsidetoside.“Idon’twanttogohome.There’snoone

thereandI…”Itrailedoffastheburninmythroatgrew.

Camdrewinadeepbreath,closinghiseyes.“I’llcomeoverlaterandwe’lltalk,okay?Butgohome.

Pleasejustgohome.”

Chapter24

Iopenedmymouth,buttherewasnothingIcouldsay.Camactuallykickedmeoutofhisapartment.He

wasbeggingthatIgohome.Theburnencompassedmylungsnowandred-hottearsprickedthebackof
myeyes.

“Okay,”Imumbled.
“Avery…”
“It’stotallyokay.”Turningaway,Istumbledbackupthehallandtomydoor.Iheardhisopenand

closebeforeIcouldevenopenmine.Pressingmyforeheadagainstmydoor,Isqueezedmyeyesshut,but
atearsnuckout,runningdownmyflushedcheek.

Camhadkickedmeout,andmyapartmentwasempty.Iwasempty.Everythingwasempty.Itwouldbe

justmeandmystupidbeerbottle.

Okay.MaybeIwasslightlydrunk.
Imovedawayfrommydoor,notsurewhereIwasgoing,butIcouldn’tgoinsidemyapartment.Byan

actofGod,Imadeitdownthefiveflightsofstepsandoutontothesidewalkwithoutbreakingmyneck.

Thecoldpavementseepedthroughmythicksocks,numbingmyfeetasIstumbledalong,takinganother

drink.Ifoundavacantparkingspotandploppedmyassdownonthecurb.Tiltingmyheadback,Istared
upattheskyriddledwithstars.Hey,therewastheCoronaBorealis.

Stilldidn’tlooklikeafuckingcrown.
Ormaybeitwasn’ttheCoronaBorealis.HowthefuckwouldIknow?
Thestars…theywerepretty,though,andsofarawayandreallyblurry.Tearsbuiltinmyeyes,coating

thebackofmythroat.Myarmsfellbetweenmylegs,bottledanglingfrommyfingers.

Itwasofficial.IreallywasSeñoritaFucktard.AndI’dfuckedeverythingupwithCam—the‘what

was’and‘whatcould’vebeen.’Becausetherecould’vebeensomethingthere,andIwasjustsofucking
stupid.Worseofall,I’dslaughteredourfriendshipandhehadbeensuchagoodfriend.IntheshorttimeI
knewhim,he’dbecomethebestfriendI’deverhad.Seriously.

Wipingmycheekonmyshoulder,Itookanotherdrink.Acoolwindwhippedaroundme,tossingmy

hairacrossmyfaceasIloweredmyhead.Iwasn’tcold,though,whichprobablymeantIwaspretty
drunk.

Iwassuchalightweight.
AndwhywasIsittingonthecurb?Ihonestlydidn’tknow,butitwasbetterthanbeinginsidemy

apartment,allalone.Andyeah,Iwasaloneouthere,butitdidn’tfeelthatway.Iwasprettysurethere
wasasquirreloverbythetree,sothatcountedforsomething,right?

Ilaughedandthewindseemedtopickupthesound,tossingitupinthebarebranches,wherethey

rattledlikedrybones.

Liftingthebottletotakeanotherdrink,Irealizeditwasempty.“Well,shitonme…”Still,Isatthere,

staringoutacrosstheparkinglot,notreallyseeinganything.Idon’tknowhowlongitwas,butwhenI
glancedup,Icouldn’tseeanyofthestarsbehindthethick,darkcloudsandmyfacefeltnumb.I
wonderedwhatMollywasdoingrightnow.Didshefeelanydifferentthanmebecauseshehaddonethe
rightthing?Anybetterorworse?

“Avery!”
Ijumpedatthesoundofmynameanddroppedmyemptybeerbottle.Itclankedofftheasphaltand

rolledundersomeone’scar.Whoops.

Camstalkedacrossthesidewalktowardme,thewindtossingstrandsofwavyhairacrosshis

forehead.Whathappenedtothecap?Ilikedthecap.Thelookonhisfacetwistedupmyinsides.“Whatin

thefuckareyoudoingouthere?”

“I…I’mlookingatthestars.”
“What?”Hestoppedbesidemeandkneltdown.“Avery,it’slikethirtydegreesoutside.You’regoing

togetsickagain.”

Ishruggedandlookedaway.“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”
“Iwaslookingforyou,youlittledumbass.”
Myheadswunginhisdirectionandmyeyesnarrowed.Itmayonlybethirtydegreesoutside,butthe

liquorwaswarminmytummyanditfueledmytemper.“Excuseme?You’reouthere,soyou’rea
dumbass,too,youdumbass.”

Hislipstwitchedasifhewastryingnottosmile.“ItoldyouIwascomingovertotalktoyou.I

checkedyourapartmentfirst.Iknockedandyoudidn’tanswer.ThedoorwasunlockedandIwent
inside.”

“Youwentinsidemyapartment?That’skindofrude.”
Helookedunbotheredbythat.“Yeah,Isawyousittingupherefromyourwindow.”
Itwastakingmyheadalittlelongerthannormaltoprocesseverything.“Isthefightover?”
Sittingdownbesideme,wewereshouldertoshoulder.“No.Themainfightjustbegan.”
“You’remissingit.”
Camdidn’trespondimmediately.Hethrusthishandthroughhishair,causingtheendstostandup

betweenhisfingers.“God,Avery…”

Isquirmed,andtheliquorsloshedinmystomach.
AmuscleinhisjawworkedashefocusedonthecarsIwasstaringatearlier.“Seeingyoutonight?I

wasfuckingsurprised.”

“BecauseofSteph?”Iblurtedout,andblamedthealcoholforthat.
“What?”Heshotmealook.“No.Jaseinvitedher.”
“Lookslikeshewasthereforyou.”
Heshruggedoneshoulder.“Maybeshewas,butIdon’tgiveafuck.”Thenheturnedtome,headtilted

totheside,handsnowonhisknee.“Avery,Ihaven’tmessedaroundwithStephsinceImetyou.Ihave
messedaroundwithanyonesinceImetyou.”

Myheartthumpedinmychest.“Okay.”
“Okay?”Hegavealittleshakeofhishead.“See,youdon’tgetit.Youneverfuckinggotit.You’ve

avoidedmesinceThanksgivingbreak.DroppedtheGoddamnclassandIknowthatwasbecauseofme,
andeverytimeItriedtotalktoyou,youfuckingranfromme.”

“Youdidn’twanttotalktomethedayIthankedyouforhelpingmeout,”Ipointedout.
“Gee,Idon’tknowwhy?Maybebecauseyoumadeitpainfullyclearyoudidn’twantanythingtodo

withme.Andthenyoujustshowuptonight?Outofthefuckingblueandgetdrunk?Youdon’tgetit.”

Iwetmycold,drylips.Everythinghesaidwastrue.“I’msorry.Iamdrunk,alittle,andIamsorry,

becauseyou’rerightand…I’mrambling.”

Hestaredatmeamomentandthenbarkedoutashortlaugh.“Alright,it’snotthetimeforthat

conversationobviously.Look,Ididn’tmeantobesuchadickinsidethere,makingyouleave,but—”

“It’sokay.I’musedtopeoplenotwantingmeattheirparties.”Ipushedtomyfeet.Thestarsseemedto

twirlabitwiththemovement.“Nobigdeal.”

Camstood,watchingmecarefully.“It’snotthatIdidn’twantyouthere,Avery.”
“Um…really?”Ilaughedanditsoundedhoarse.“Youaskedmetoleave.”
“I—”
“Correction.”Iheldupmyhandandmyfingersblurredabit.“Youtoldmetoleave.”

“Idid.Itwasadickheadmove,butit’sthefirsttimeyou’reatmyplace,youcomeinthere,start

drinkingandthen…”Hetookadeepbreath,lettingoutslowly.“Henrywasalloverandyou’regiggling
—”

“I’mnotinterestedinhim!”
“Itdidn’tlookthatway,Avery.You’redrunkandIdidn’twantyoudoingsomethingyou’dregret,”he

said.“Idon’tknowwhatthehellgoesoninyourheadhalfthetimeandIhadnoideawhatyouwere
doingheretonight,butI’veneverseenyoudrinkandIdidn’tknowwhatyouweregoingtodo.Ididn’t
wantsomeonetakingadvantageofyou.”

“Beenthere,donethat,”Itossedoutrecklessly,andthenclampedmymouthshut.OhmyGod,Iwas

neverdrinkingagain.Ever.

Heraisedhishandsandthenstoppedhalfway.Hejuststaredatme,aterribleunderstandingcrossing

hisface.“What?”

I’dmadeabigmistake—abig,bigmistake.Flightorfightresponsekickedin,andofcourse,Ididthe

flightthing.Istartedaroundhim.

“Oh,hellno.”Camwasrightinfrontofme,handsonmyshoulders.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
Damagecontrolmodetookover.“Idon’tknowwhatIsaid.Okay?I’mdrunk,Cam.Duh.Whothefuck

knowswhat’scomingoutofmymouth.Idon’t.Ireallydon’tknowwhatI’mevendoingouthere.”

“Shit.”Hiseyeswereadark,midnightblueashestaredintomine.“Avery…”Apainedlookcrossed

hisfaceandhisfingerstightenedonmyshoulders.“Whatareyounottellingme?Whathaven’tyoutold
me?”

Mythroatconstricted.“Nothing!Iswear.Ipromiseyou.I’mjustrunningmymouth,okay?Sostop

lookingatmelikethere’ssomethingwrongwithme.”

“I’mnotstaringatyoulikethat,sweetheart.”Hisbrowsslammeddownashesearchedmyface.
Iwantedtoknowwhathewasthinking,becauseIknewhehadtobelying.Thatonelittleslipofthe

tonguehadmedesperatelytryingtocomeupwithawaytoeraseit.IcouldlieandtellhimIjustgot
reallydrunkonceandembarrassedmyself.Soundedbelievable,butIhadabsolutelynocontrolofmy
mouthapparently.

ThenCamdidtheonethingthatsentmythoughtsspinning.
Hepulledmeagainsthim,wrappinghisarmsaroundme.IfrozeforonlyasecondortwoandthenI

placedmyhandsonhissides.Iclosedmyeyesandpressedmycheekagainsthischest.

Iinhaledhisscent,surroundingmyselfinit.“I’vemissedyou.”
Hishandmovedupmyback,buryingdeepinmywindblownhair.“I’vemissedyou,sweetheart.”He

leanedbackandliftedmeagoodcoupleofinchesoffmyfeetandthensatbebackdown.Slidinghis
handstomycheeks,helaughed.“Youfeellikealittleicecube.”

“Ifeelhot.”Andthatwastrue.Myskinwasnumb,butIfelthishugandIfelthishandsslidingover

me.Iraisedmylashesandoureyesmet.“Youreyesarereallybeautiful,youknowthat?”

“Ithinkthat’stheshotsoftequilatalking,”hereplied,grinning.“Comeon,let’sgetyouinsidebefore

youfreeze.”

Camsteppedbackandletgoofmyshoulders.Iwasalittletipsyonmyfeet,andwhenhereached

downandthreadedhisfingersthroughmine,thebiggest,stupidestgrinlitupmyface.Itwaslikehehadn’t
askedmetoleavehisapartmentandIhadn’tbeensittingoutsideforGodknowshowlonglikealoser.

Mighthavebeenthetequilaandbeer,butIwantedtorunaroundlikealunatic.
LuckilyIdidn’tattemptthat,becausethestairsprovedtobeatrickybeast.Ithinkthedepthbetween

eachstepkeptchangingonme.Backinmytootoastyapartment,Camshutthedoorbehindus.Hestill
heldmyhandtightlyinhisasheturnedtome.Hedidn’tsayanything,andanervousanticipationswelled

insideme.

“You’remissingthefight,”Isaidagain.
“SoIam.”Hetuggedmearoundthecouchandthendown,soIwassittingbesidehim.Onlythendidhe

letgoofmyhand.“Howareyoufeeling?”

“Okay.”Ismoothedmydamppalmsalongmyjeans.“Yourfriendsareprobablywonderingwhereyou

are.”

Camleanedbackagainstthecushion,throwinghisarmalongthebackofthecouch.“Idon’tcare.”
“Youdon’t?”
“Nope.”
Isatforwardandlookedovermyshoulderathim.Heappearedtobewaitingforsomething.Unableto

sit,Ijumpedupandnearlyface-plantedthecoffeetable.WouldhaveifCamhadn’tcaughtmyarm.

“Maybeyoushouldsitdown,Avery.”
“I’mokay.”Wigglingfree,Imovedaroundthetablecarefully,justincaseitdecidedtomoveonme.

Thenervousenergybuzzedalongwiththealcohol.Ituggedmysweateroffmyskin,feelinghot.“So…
whatdidyouwanttodo?Ican,um,turnontheTVorputamoviein,butIdon’thaveanymovies.Iguess
Icanorderonefrom—”

“Avery,justsitdownforalittlewhile.”
Insteadofdoingthat,Ipickedupafallenpillowandplaceditonthecouch.Straighteningwasalittle

difficult,butIflittedovertothemoonchair.“Youdon’tthinkit’shotinhere?”

Amusementfilledhisblueeyes.“Howmuchdidyoudrink?”
“Um…”Ihadtoreallythinkaboutthat.“Notmuch—maybeliketwoorthreeshotsoftequilaaaand

twobeers?Ithink.”

“Ohwow.”Camleanedforward,hislipstippingintoagrin.“When’sthelasttimeyou’vereally

drank?”

“Halloweennight,”Iblurted.
Helookedconfused.“Ididn’tseeyoudrinkHalloweennight.”
“NotthispastHalloweennight.”Istood,tuggingonmysleevesandmyfingersbrushedthebracelet.“It

was…fiveyearsago.”

“Whoa.That’salongtime.”Hescootedforwardandthenstood.“Yougotwaterinhere?Bottled?”
“Inthekitchen,”Isaid,wettingmylips.
Hedisappearedandreappearedprettyquickly,handingabottleover.“Youshoulddrinkthis.”
Itookit,butwasn’tthirsty.
“Sothatmadeyou,what?Fourteen?Fifteen?”Hesatbackdownontheedgeofthecouch.
“Fourteen,”Iwhispered,mygazedroppingtowherehishandshungbetweenhisknees.
“That’sreallyyoungtobedrinking.”
Sweatdottedmyforehead.Sittingthebottledown,Ipickedupahairtiefromthecoffeetableand

pulledmyhairupintoamessybun.“Yeah,youdidn’tdrinkwhenyouwerefourteen?”

Alittlegrinappeared.“Isnuckabeerortwoatfourteen,butIthoughtyourparentswerestrict?”
IsnortedasIdroppedintothemoonchair.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutthemordrinkingorHalloween.”
“Okay.”
Feelingsweaty,Ituggedmysweaterup.Itgotstuckaroundmyheadforasecondandthenfinally,Igot

theitchymaterialoff.Knockingtheloosestrandsofhairoutofmyface,IglancedoveratCam.You’d
thinkIdidn’thaveatanktoponunderneathbythewayhewasstaringatme,butitwasmorethanthat.

Istoodoncemore,wantingtobefarawayfromthatconversation,becauseCamwaslookingatme

againlikehewasseeingmorethanIwasshowing.Ithoughtabouthowhe’dlookedwhenhesawthescar

onmywristandoutsideminutesbefore.

Itwasthesamelook.
Likehewaspiecingtogetherapuzzleandthepieceswerestartingtofit.Forsomereason,throughmy

disorganizedthoughts,IthoughtaboutTeresaandhowhewaswhenhe’drealizedshewastalkingtoa
guy.He’dtakenprotectiveolderbrothertoawholenewlevel.Hadshe…?

Ishookmyheadandpushedthosethoughtsaway,becauseitmademethinkofhowtherehadn’tbeen

anyonelookingoutforme.

ButIdidn’twanthimlookingatmelikethat.Ididn’tneedhimtowatchoutforme,toworryabout

whatIwasdoingorwhatwouldhappen.Ineededhimto…

Lookatmethewayhehadthefirstnighthe’dkissedmeandthenagaininthebedathisparentshouse.

Iwantedhimtoseemelikethat.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
Istoppedin-betweenthekitchenandhallway.Myfingerswerecurledaroundtheedgesofmytanktop,

andtherewasadifferentkindofinterestinhisstare,akeenwariness.Myheartwasracingandmy
thoughtswerecrashingintooneanother.IlikedCam—alot.Evenifitwascrazyanddoomedfor
heartbreak.Myheartalreadyhurt.AndI’dmissedhimandhemissedmeandhewasherenowwhenhe
couldbewithhisfriends,withSteph.

Partofmestoppedthinkingcompletely.Theotherparttoldmetodowhatwasexpected,what

someonelikeCamwouldwantandneed,becausewasn’tthatwhyhewashere?Becauseweweren’t
talkingandIwantedtobethatgirlfrombefore.

Itookoffmytanktopbeforemybraincaughtupwitheverything.Oddly,thatpartwasn’thard.Coolair

washedovermyflushedskin,spreadingtinybumps.ThehardpartwaslookingupwhenIheardCam
inhale.

“Avery.”
Myheartwasthumpingsofastandmypulsepounded.Bloodrushedtomyface,butIlookedup.
Hewasstaringatme,thewarinessinthetenselineofhisjawwasovershadowedbythewayhischest

roselikehewasbreathingjustasfastasIwas.

Slightlydizzy,Ileanedagainstthewall,lettingmyarmsfalltomysides.Camstoodafewfeetaway,

andIhadn’tseenhimmovearoundthecouch.Hewasn’tjuststaringatme.Ohno,itwasmuch,much
morethanthat.Ifeltdevouredbyhisstare,likeIhadfeltwhenhe’dkissedme,asifhewascommitting
everydetailtohismemory.Warmthtraveleddownmythroat,acrossmychest,andtothelacyedgesofmy
blackbra.Hislipsparted,andIbitdownonmine.Whenhedraggedhisgazebackup,anintensefeeling
builtlowinmystomach.Heatpouredintohiscrystallineeyes,deepeningthebrillianthue.

Therewasatwingeofuncertaintyblossominginmychest,underthedelicioustensing,andmythroat

dried.Ididn’twanttofeelthat.Iwantedjustthewarmthandthebreathlessfeeling.

“Cam?”
Heshookhishead,handsclosingintofistsathissides.“Don’t.”
“Don’twhat?”Iasked.
Hiseyessqueezedshut.“This—don’tdothis,sweetheart.”
“Isn’tthatwhatyouwant?”Iswallowed.
Cam’seyesflew.“Idon’texpectthat,Avery.”
Myconfidencewaveredlikeathintreeinastormandthencompletelycollapsed.Isuckedinabreath

anditgotstuckinmythroat.“Youdon’twantme.”

Camwasinfrontofmewithinasecond,sofastIhadn’tevenseenhimmove.Hishandswereplanted

oneithersideofmyheadandheleaneddown,hisfaceinchesfrommine.Tensionrolledoffhisbodyin

waves.Airfledmylungsasmybodywentrigid.

“Fuck,Avery.YouthinkIdon’twantyou?”Hisvoicecameoutlow,almostagrowl.“There’snota

singlepartofyouthatIdon’twant,youunderstand?Iwanttobeonyouandinsideofyou.Iwantyou
againstthewall,onthecouch,inyourbed,inmybed,andeveryfuckingplaceIcanpossiblythinkof,and
trustme,Ihaveavastimaginationwhenitcomestothesekindsofthings.Don’teverdoubtthatIwant
you.Thatisnotwhatthisisabout.”

Myeyeswidenedasconfusionswirledthroughme,muddlingmythoughtsfurther,whichatthispoint,

seemedimpossible.

Heleanedin,restinghisforeheadagainstmine.Thecontactsentmypulsepounding.“Butnotlikethis

—neverlikethis.You’redrunk,Avery,andwhenwegettogether—becausewewillgettogether,you’re
goingtobefullyawareofeverythingthatIdotoyou.”

Ittookafewmoments,butwhathesaidfinallysunkinthroughtheliquorhazeandconfusionandmade

sense.Closingmyeyes,Iturnedmyheadtotheside,feelingthewayhisskinslidalongsidemine.“You’re
agoodguy,Cam.”

“No,I’mnot.”Heexhaleddeeplyandhisbreathwaswarmagainstmycheek.“I’monlygoodwith

you.”

Chapter25

WhatCamhadbeenwaitingforhappenedshortlyafterItookmyshirtoffandshowedhimmybra.

He’dgottenmetositdownandwrappedaquiltaroundmyshoulders,coveringmeup.Wewerewatching
ahorrificallybadsciencefictionmoviewhenallthatliquordecideditdidn’twanttomeinmybelly
anyone.

Tearingoffthequilt,IscrambledoverCam’slegsandlap.“OhGod…”
“What?You’resick.”Camwasonhisfeet.
Irushedtowardthebathroomandslammedthedoorbehindme.Droppingtomyknees,Iliftedthelid

andstartedheaving.Everymuscleinmybodywentthroughthemotion.Tearsstreameddownmyfaceas
mybodyshuddered.Itseemedwrongtobegoingthroughthisafterhavingtheflu.

OveralltheretchednoiseIwasmaking,Ihadn’theardCamcomein,buthewasthere,kneelingbeside

me.Hishandsmoothedthelengthofmyspine,acontinuous,endlesssoothingstrokeashescoopedthe
hairthathadescapedmybunoutofmyface.Hestayed,murmuringunintelligiblewordstomethatdid
wonders,eventhroughtheviolentdryheavingstage.

Whenitwasalldone,hehelpedmeleanagainstthebathtubwhilehegrabbedasmalltowelandranit

underthewater.Hekneltdown,wipingthesoftmaterialacrossmyface,likehehadthenightofthe
HalloweenpartyandwhenI’dbeensick.“Feelbetter?”heasked.

“Kinda,”Imurmured,closingmyeyesagainstthebrightness.“OhGod,thisissoembarrassing.”
Hechuckled.“It’snothing,sweetheart.”
“Thisiswhyyoustayed,right?”Imoaned,feelinglikeagiantidiot.“YouknewIwasgoingtobesick

andhereIwas,takingoffmyclothes.”

“Shh,”hesaid,tuckingtheloosestrandsofmyhairback.“Ascharmingasitwastowatchyouvomit

upyourguts,that’snotwhyIstayedandyouknowit.”

Iclosedmyeyesagain,feelingabitfloaty.“Becauseyouwantme,butnotwhenI’mdrunkandpuking

allovertheplace?”

Camburstintolaughter.“Yeah,youknow,thatsoundsaboutright.”
“Justmakingsurewe’reonthesamepage,”Imurmured.ItkindofstruckmethenthatIwasstilljustin

myjeansandbra,butIhonestlydidn’tcare.Tomorrowwouldmostdefinitelybeadifferentstory.

“We’renot.”
Ipriedoneeyeopen.“Ha.”
“Thoughtyou’dlikethat.”Heswipedthecool,dampclothalongmychin.
“You’revery…goodatthis.”
“Hadalotofpractice.”Camtossedthetowelaside,grabbedanewoneandrepeatedthesteps.“Been

whereyouarequiteafewtimes.”Heranitdownmyneck,overmybrastrapsandthenthelengthofmy
arms.“Wanttogetreadyforbed?”

Myothereyeflewopen.
Heshookhisheadandthedimpleappearedinhisleftcheek.“Getyourmindoutofthegutter.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,oh,”hesaid,standing.Withhisbacktome,herummagedaroundthesink.Afaucetturnedon.

Hewasbackinfrontofmeagain,holdingaloadedtoothbrush.“Thoughtyou’dwanttogetthetasteoutof
yourmouth.”

Myfingersmadegrabbymotions.“Youarewonderful.”
“Iknow.”HehandeditoverandthenreplacedthetoothbrushwithoneofthosepapercupsInever

used.WhenIwasalldone,hekneltagainandrockedbackonhisheels.Heunzippedhishoodieand

shruggeditoff.“I’vebeentryingtogetyoutosayI’mwonderfulfromthefirsttimeyouplowedintome.If
I’dknownthatallitwouldtakewashandingyouatoothbrush,Iwouldhavedonethatalongtimeago.My
loss.”

“No.Itwasmy…”Ipushedmyselfupalittle,watchingashereacheddownandpulledtheshirtoffhis

head.“Myloss—whatareyoudoing?”

“Idon’tknowwhereyourclothesare.”
“Uh-huh.”MygazedroppedandIthinkIneededthedamptowelagain.
“AndIfiguredyou’dwanttogetoutofyourclothes.”
Inthebrightlight,IsawthedetailonthesuntattoolikeIneverhadbefore.Therehadtobeathousand

littlemarksinsidethesun,givingitsucharealistic,fierydetail.“Yeah…”

“Sotheeasiestthingwouldbetoletyouborrowmyshirt.”
Myeyeswentevenlower,overtheduskynippleandthendown,tracingeachrippleofhisstomach

muscles.“Okay.”

“Thenyou’dbemorecomfortable.”
Therewasafinedustingofdarkhairtheappearedunderhisnavelandtraveledsouth,belowtheband

onhisjeans.Itlookslikesomeoneplacedtheirfingersoneithersideofhiships,indentingtheskinthere.
“Sure,”Imurmured.Howdidsomeonegetmusclesthere?Likewhatkindofstomachexercisesdidyou
havetosubjectyourselfto?

“Youhaven’tbeenlisteningtoasinglethingI’vesaid.”
Idraggedmygazeup.“Nuh-uh.”
TherewasthatdimpleagainasheclaspedmyhipsandhelpedmeupsoIwassittingontheedgeofthe

tub.“Don’tliftyourarmsyet,okay.”

Sittingstill,Igrippedtheedgesofthetubashepulledtheopeningofhisshirtovermyhead.
“Keepyourarmsdown.”Heletgooftheshirtandslippedhisarmsaroundme.Asecondlater,his

agilefingerunclaspedmybra.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Mystomachdropped,andboy,afterwhatjustwentoninhere,thatwasnota

goodfeeling.

Helaughedasthestrapssliddownmyarms,makingmeshiver.“LikeIsaidbefore,getyourmindout

ofthegutter.Yourvirtueissafewithme.”

“Myvirtue?”Iwasn’tsureifIwantedittobesafewithhim.
Hepeekedup.“Fornow.”
“Fornow?”Iwhispered.
Camnodded.“Putyourarmsthrough.”
IdidasIwastoldandthenhemadeashowofrollingupthesleevesbeforeslidinghishanddownmy

leftarm,stoppingabovemybracelet.

“Don’t—”Panicshotthroughmeasheunhookedthebracelet.Itriedtoyankmyarmback,butCam

lookedup,tighteninghisgrip.

“I’vealreadyseenit,Avery.”
Pressureclampeddownonmychest.“Please,don’t.It’sembarrassingandIcan’ttakebackthatyou

sawthis.IwishIcould,butIcan’t.”

Hewrappedbothhishandsaroundthebraceletandwristashemetmygazewithhissteadyone.“It’s

becauseofthis,isn’tit?Whyyoufreakedoutonme?Wouldn’ttalktome?Droppedtheclass?”

AlumprosesoquicklyinmythroatthatIcouldn’tspeak.
“Oh,sweetheart.”Softnesscreptintovoiceandhisstare.“We’vealldonestuffwearen’tproudof.If

youknew…”Heshookhishead.“Thepointis,Idon’tknowwhyyoudidthis.Ijusthopethatwhatever

thereasonwas,it’ssomethingthatyou’vecometotermswith.Idon’tthinkanylessofyoubecauseofit.I
neverdid.”

“Butyoulookedso…”Myvoicewastoohoarse.
Thebraceletslippedoff,buthisonehandstillcoveredmywristasheputthebraceletontheedgeof

thesink.“IwasjustsurprisedandIwasconcerned.Ididn’tknowwhenyougotthisandI’mnotgoingto
ask.Notrightnow,okay?Justknowthatyoudon’thavetohideitaroundme.Alright?”

AllIcoulddowasnod,becauseIwasalwaystryingtohideit.
Camloweredhisheadasheliftedmywrist,turningmyarmover,somypalmwasfacingup.He

pressedhislipstothescar,andthebreathcaughtinmythroat.Ilookedaway,squeezingmyeyesshut.
Somethingcrackedinsideme,aproverbialwallI’dbuiltaroundme.

“I’djustturnedsixteen,”Isaid,myvoicehoarseasIblurtedoutthewordsbeforeIlostmynerve.

“That’swhenIdidit.Idon’tknowifIreallymeanttodoitorifIjustwantedsomeoneto…”Ishookmy
head.“It’ssomethingIregreteveryday.”

“Sixteen?”Histonewasdevoidofjudgment.
Inodded.“Iwouldneverdoanythinglikethatagain.Iswear.I’mnotthesamepersonIwasthen.”
“Iknow.”Severalmomentspassedandthenheplacedmyarmonmyleg.“Nowit’stimetotakeyour

pantsoff.”

Theabruptchangeinsubjectcausedmetolaugh.“Nice.”
Whenhehelpedmestand,theshirtalmostreachedmykneesandmybra,itlayonthefloorbetweenus

likeasad,lonelything.Whenhereachedforthebuttonsonmyjeans,Ismackedhishandaway.“IthinkI
candothat.”

“Areyousure?”Abrowarchedup.“BecauseI’mhereatyourserviceandtakingyourjeansoffis

somethingIfeelI’dbeexceptionallywonderfulat.”

“I’msureyouwouldbe.Putyourhoodiebackon.”
Hetookastepbackandleanedagainstthesink.Allthatmalefleshcompletelyondisplay.“Ilikewhen

youlook.”

“Iremember,”Igrumbled,turningaway.Itwaslikemybracelethadn’tevencomeoff,butIfeltmore

nakedwithoutitonthanIwouldifIworenoclothesatall.Withalittleshimmy,Isteppedoutofmyjeans.
WhenIfacedhim,hewasstillallkindsofhalf-naked.

Camswipedhishoodieoffthefloorandthentookmyhand.“Youthinkyou’llbegoodoutofthe

bathroom?”

“Ihopeso.”
Weheadedbackintothelivingroom,andIthoughthewasgoingtoleavethen,asitwaswellaftertwo

a.m.,buthefoundmesomeaspirins,mademedrinkabottleofwater,andthensatonmycouch.Hegave
myarmalittletug.“Sitwithme.”

Istartedtomovearoundhislegs,buthestoppedme.
“No.Sitwithme.”
Havingnoideawherehewasgoingwiththis,Ishookmyhead.Camleanedbackandthentuggedon

myarmalittleharder.Iwentwithit,lettinghimpullmeintohislap.Mysideagainsthisfront,legs
stretchedoutonthecushionsbesideus.Heyankedthequiltupovermylegsandoncehehadmesituated
thewayhewanted,hewrappedhisarmsaroundmywaist.

“Youshouldtrytogotosleep,”hesaid,hisvoicebarelyaudibleoverthehumoftheTV.“It’llhelpin

themorning.”

Irelaxedagainsthim,fasterthanIthoughtpossible.Snugglingcloser,Irestedmyheadagainsthis

chest.“You’renotleaving?”

“Nope.”
“Atall?”Iclosedmyeyes.
Hischingrazedthetopofmyheadandthenhislipsbrushedacrossmyforehead.Asighleakedout

frombetweenmylips.“I’mnotgoinganywhere,”hesaid.“I’llberightherewhenyouwakeup,
sweetheart.Ipromise.”

#

Ittookacoupleofmomentstorealizetheblindinglightwasfromthesunshiningthroughmyliving

roomwindowandthatIwasstillinCam’slap.Myheadwasagainsthisshoulderandhischinwas
restingatopmine.HisarmsweresecuredaroundmelikehethoughtI’dwakeupandrunoff.

Inmychest,myheartgotalittleworkout.
Memoriesfromlastnightwerealittledisjointedatfirst,butwhentheystartedtomakesense,I

alternatedbetweenbeingthrilled,embarrassed,shocked,andthenthrilledagain.

Camwasstillhereandlastnighthe’dsaidthathewantedme,thatwewouldbetogether,evenafterhe

knewwhatIhaddonetomyselfandafterI’dbeenatotalbitchtohim.

Ialmostcouldn’tbelieveit.MaybeIwasdreaming,becauseIdidn’tfeellikeIdeservedthis.
Placingmyhandonhischest,Ifelthisheartbeatsteadyandstrongundermypalm.Hisskinwasbare,

warm,andreal.Ineededtoseehisfacetofullybelievethatthiswashappening.Ishiftedinhislap.

Camgroanedadeep,richsound.
Eyesgoingwide,Istilled.Holymoley,Icouldfeelhisarousalagainstmyhip.Hisarmstightened

aroundmywaistandIfelthisheartkickaroundthesametimeminedid.

“Sorry,”hesaid,hisvoicethickandgruff.“It’smorningandyou’resittingonme.That’sacombination

meanttobringanymandown.”

Warmthswampedmycheeks,butheatracedthroughmyveinsandIwasremindedofhowhefeltwhen

hehadrockedagainstmebefore.Notthebestthoughttobehavingrightnow.Hisgriponmywaist
loosenedandhishanddroppedtomyhip.Throughthethinshirt—hisshirt—myskintingled.

Okay.Maybeitwastheperfectthoughttobehavingrightnow.
“Doyouwantmetogetoffyou?”Iasked.
“Hellno.”Hisotherhandtraveledupmyback,hisfingerstanglingintheendsofmyhair.“Absolutely

fuckingnot.”

Mylipscrackedagrin.“Okay.”
“Finally,Ithinkwe’reactuallyagreeingonsomething.”
Ileanedbackalittle,soIcouldseehim.Disheveledfromsleepandwiththefainttraceofstubbleon

hisjaw,helookedabsolutelystunning.“Didlastnightreallyhappen?”

Onesideofhislipstippedup,andmychestswelled.I’dmissedthatsmile.“Dependsonwhatyou

thinkhappened.”

“Itookmyshirtoffforyou?”
Hiseyesdeepened.“Yes.Lovelymoment.”
“Andyouturnedmedown?”
Thehandonmyhipslidlower.“Onlybecauseourfirsttimetogetherisn’tgoingtobewhenyou’re

drunk.”

“Ourfirsttimetogether?”
“Uh-huh.”
Musclesinmystomachtightened.“You’rereallyconfidentabouttherebeingafirstbetweenus.”
“Iam.”Hetippedbackagainstthecushion.
Ineededtofocus.“Wetalked,right?”Mygazefelltomybareleftwrist.“ItoldyouwhenIdidthis?”

“Yes.”
Ipeekedathim.“Andyoudon’tthinkI’maravingbitch?”
“Well…”
Cockingmyheadtotheside,Ipinnedhimwithalook.
Cam’sgrinspreadashishandslidfurtherupmyback,reachingthenapeofmyneck.“Youwantto

knowwhatIthink?”

“Depends.”
Heguidedmyheaddownsothatourmouthswereinchesapart.“Ithinkweneedtotalk.”
“Wedo.”Iagreedeventhoughitmademenervous,ofcourse,butresolvereplacedmyapprehension.
Camsuddenlygrippedmyhipsandliftedmeoffhim,placingmeonthecouchbesidehim.Imissedhis

warmthimmediately.Confusionroseashestood.“Ithoughtweneededtotalk,”Isaid.

“Wedo.I’llberightback.”
Ihadnocluewhathewasupto.
“Juststaythere,okay?”hesaid,backingtowardthedoor.“Don’tmovefromthatspot.Don’tthink

aboutanything.JustsitthereandI’llberightback.”

Iwatchedhimcuriously.“Okay.”
Alopsidedgrinappeared.“Imeanit,don’tthinkaboutanything.Notthelastcoupleofminutesorlast

night.Notthelastmonth.Orwhat’scomingnext.Justsitthere.”

“Alright,”Iwhispered.“Ipromise.”
Hiseyesmetmineforasecondlonger,andthenheleft,andofcourseIthoughtabouteverythingin

thosefiveminuteshewasgone.Bythetimehereturned,I’dalmostbeenconvincedthathewasn’tcoming
back.

Excepthedid.
Itwistedaround,peeringoverthebackofthecouchandonceIsawwhathehadinhishands,Ismiled

widely.“Eggs—youbroughteggs.”

“Andmyskillet.”Henudgedthedoorshutwithhiship.“AndIbrushedmyteeth.”
“Youdidn’tputashirton.”
Hecastmealookasheheadedintomykitchen.“Iknowitwouldbreakyourheartnottobeabletosee

meshirtless.”

Ashedisappearedthroughthedoor,Idroppedmyheadtothebackofthecouchandletoutagirlie

soundthatIhopedwasmuffled.

“Avery,whatinthehellareyoudoing?”
Iliftedmyhead.“Nothing.”
“Thengetyourassinhere.”
Grinning,Iscamperedoffthecouchandstartedtowardmybedroom.
“Anddon’tyoudarechange.”
Istopped,makingaface.
“BecauseIreallylikeseeingyouinmyclothes,”headded.
“Well,whenyouputitlikethat…”Iturnedaroundandmademywaybacktothekitchen.Lingeringin

thedoorway,IwatchedhimdosomethingIseenhimdoatleastadozentimes.

Helookedoverhisshoulderatme.“What?Youmissedmyeggsthatbadly?”
Iblinkedmymistyeyesclear.“Ididn’tthinkI’dhaveyouinmykitchenmakingeggsagain.”
Thethickbandsofmuscleacrosshisshouldersflexed,andIcouldn’thelpbutadmirethesensual

valley.Theycurveddeepintohisskinasheleanedforward,adjustingthecontrolsonthestove.“You
missedmethatmuch?”

ForonceIdidn’thesitate.“Yes.”
Camfacedme.“I’vemissedyou.”
Itookadeepbreath.“IwanttosayI’msorryforhowIactedwhenyou…well,whenyousawmyscar.

I’veneverletanyoneseeit.”Isuckedmylowerlipinandtookastepforward.“Iknowthat’snotan
excuse,becauseIwasaterriblebitch,but…”

“I’llacceptyourapologyononecondition.”Hefoldedhisarmsacrosshischest.
“Anything?”
“Youtrustme.”
Icockedmyheadtotheside.“Itrustyou,Cam.”
“No,youdon’t.”Hewalkedovertomysmalltableandpulledoutachair.“Haveaseat.”
Sittingdown,Ituggedthehemofhisshirtdownasheheadedbacktothestove,puttingthetinyskillet

overtheburner.

“Ifyoutrustedme,youwouldn’thavereactedthewayyoudid,”hesimplysaid,crackinganegg.“And

that’snotmejudgingyouoranyofthatkindofshit.YougottotrustmethatI’mnotgoingtobeanassor
freakoutoverthatkindofstuff.YouhavetotrustthatIcareenoughaboutyou.”

Mybreathstalled.
Heturned,hiseyesasclearasglass.“There’salotIdon’tknowaboutyouandIhopewefixthat.I’m

notgoingtopushyou,butyoucan’tshutmeout.Okay.Youhavetotrustme.”

Therewerealotofthingshedidn’tknow,butIdidn’twantthosethingstointerfere.Notnow.Not

ever.“Itrustyou.Iwilltrustyou.”

Cammetmygaze.“Iacceptyourapology.”
Thenheturnedbacktothestove,scramblingmyeggs.NextcametheOJ.Wereallydidn’tsayanything

untilhesatdownwithhisfourboiledeggs.“Sowheredowegofromhere?”heasked.“Tellmewhatyou
want.”

Istopped,myforkfullofegg.Mygazeflickedupandhewasholdingoneoftheeggs.“WhatIwant?”
“Fromme.”Hebitintotheegg,chewingslowly.“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”
Placingmyforkdown,Isatbackandstaredathim.Itsuddenlyoccurredtomethathewasgoingto

makemesayitand…andIneededtosayit.IthoughtaboutMollyandwhatshehadtosayahundred
times.Thiswaseasycomparedtothat.“You.”

“Me?”
“Iwantyou.”MycheekswereburningbutIpressedforward.“Obviously,I’veneverbeenina

relationshipandIdon’tevenknowifthat’swhatyouwant.Maybeit’snot—”

“Itis.”Hefinishedofftheegg.
Mychesttightened.“Itis?”
Hechuckled.“Yousoundsosurprised,likeyoucan’tbelieveit.”Hepickedupanotheregg.“It’sreally

kindofadorable.Pleasecontinue.”

“Pleasecontinue…?”Ishookmyhead,flustered.“Iwanttobewithyou.”
Camfinishedoffthesecondegg.“That’sthesecondthingwe’reinagreementonthismorning.”
“Youwanttobewithme?”
“I’vewantedtobewithyousincethefirsttimeyouturnedmedown.I’vejustbeenwaitingforyouto

comearound.”Hislipscurvedup.“So,ifwe’regoingtodothis,therearesomegroundrules.”

He’dbeenwaitingforme?“Rules?”
Henoddedashepeeledthethirdegg.“There’snotthatmany.Noshuttingmeout.It’sjustyouandme

andnooneelse.”Hepaused,andmyheartwasjumping.“Andfinally,youkeeplookingdamnsexyinmy
shirts.”

Alaughburstfromme.“Ithinkallofthemaredoable.”
“Good.”
IwatchedhimfinishoffhiseggsandashappyasIwas,thenervesgotthebestofme.“I’veneverdone

ofanyofthisbefore,Cam.AndI’mnoteasytogetalongwithallthetime.Iknowthat.Ican’tpromisethis
willbeeasyforyou.”

“Nothingfuninlifeiseasy.”Heemptiedhisglassofmilkandthenstood,comingtomyside.Hetook

myhandandpulledmetomyfeet.Hisarmswentaroundmywaistashetiltedhisheaddownandwhenhe
spoke,hislipsbrushedmycheek.“I’mseriousaboutyou,Avery.Ifyouwantmeforreal,youhaveme.”

Closingmyeyes,Iplacedmyhandsonhischest.“Iwantyouforreal.”
“Goodtoknow,”hemurmured,tiltinghisheadtothesideandhislipsgrazedmine.Anticipation

swelledlikeabubble.“Becauseifnot,thiswouldgetawholelotawkward.”

Istartedtolaugh,butthenhismouthwasonmine,quietingme.Thekisswassoftatfirst.Atender

explorationofmylips,butithadbeentoolongsincehe’dkissedmelast.AndithadbeentoolongsinceI
everfeltlikethis.Iwantedmore.

Slidingmyhandsuphischestandthenthesidesofhisslightlyroughcheeks,Ithrustmyfingersdeep

intohismessy,softhair.ThatwasalltheencouragementCamneeded.Hedeepenedthekiss,partingmy
lipsashistongueslippedin.Hishandsslidtomyhipsandthenuptomywaist.Hetuggedmeagainsthim
andthekisswentfrominnocentandsweettodownrightsexyinamatterofseconds.

Camliftedme,wringingastartledgaspfrommethatwasquicklylostinhim.InstincttookoverandI

wrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Inonepowerfullunge,hemovedforwardandmybackwasagainstthe
wallandhischestwasflushagainstmine.Mybodysoftened,dampenedbetweenmythighsasIfelthim
there,evidenceofhowbadlyhewantedme.Everyinchofmybodytightenedasheatpouredintome.

Forthefirsttime,therewasn’tasmidgenofpanic.Nothingbutwonderfulsensationsthatmademefeel

alive,andforonce,Iwascompletelyincontrol.TherewasafreedominthatIneverexperiencedbefore
andIthrewmyselfintothatkiss.Hemadethatterriblysexysoundthatrumbledthroughhischestandthen
mine.

Itseemedlikeforeverbeforeheliftedhismouth.“Ineedtogo.”
Iletoutashakybreath.“You’releavingnow?”
“I’mnotasaint,sweetheart,”heallbutgrowled.“SoifIdon’tleavenow,Iwon’tbeleavingforsome

time.”

Apulsewentfromthetipsofmybreaststomycore.“WhatifIdon’twantyoutoleave?”
“Fuck,”hesaid,slidinghishandsdowntomythighs.“You’remakingthisveryhardtobethegoodguy

yousaidIwaslastnight.”

“I’mnotdrunk.”
Hepressedhisforeheadtomine,chucklingsoftly.“Yeah,Icanseethatandwhiletheideaoftaking

yourightnow,againstthewall,isenoughtomakemelosecontrol,IwantyoutoknowthatI’mserious.
You’renotahookup.You’renotafriendwithbenefits.You’remorethanthattome.”

Iclosedmyeyes,breathingheavily.“Well,thatwas…reallysortofperfect.”
“I’mreallysortofperfect,”hereplied,gentlyuntanglingmylegs.HesatmeonthefloorandI

would’vefallenrightoverifhehadn’theldon.“Everyoneelseknowsthat.You’rejustalittleslowonthe
uptake.”

Ilaughed.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“Takeacoldshower.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”

Ilaughedagain.“Youcomingbackover?”
“Always,”hesaid,kissingmequickly.
“Okay.”Iopenedmyeyes,smiling.“I’llwaitforyou.”

Chapter26

Mylifechangedinverylittlewaysinsuchashortperiodoftimethatitalladdeduptothis

monumentaldeal,atleasttome.CamhadspentalldaySundaywithmeandI’dwokenupthismorningto
agoodmorningtextfromhim.

BeforeIevenhadachancetobreakthenewstoBritandJacobaboutthestatuschangebetweenCam

andI,theysawitfirsthandwhilewewaitedoutsideforBrittofinishhercigarettebeforeheadinginto
WhitehallonMonday.

Camcameoutofnowhere,slippingupbehindmeandwrappinghisarmsaroundmywaist.Istiffened

forafractionofasecondbeforeforcingmyselftorelax.Hepressedhislipstomycheek,andtheshiver
hadnothingtodowiththecoldair.“Heythere.”

ThecigarettefelloutofBrit’smouth.
Jacobblinkedonce,thentwice,andthenagain.“Whatthe…?”
IgrippedCam’sforearmsashetrailedhislipstomyear,blazingapathacrossmyskin.“Ithink

Brittany’sgoingtocatchhershoeonfire.”

MygazedroppedandIbrokefreefromhishold.“Oh,myGod,Brit,yourshoe!”
Sheglanceddownandgavealittleshriek.Kickingthelitcigaretteoffhershoe,shejumpedback.“I

almostburnedtodeath.Anditwould’vebeenyourfault!”

“Myfault?”
“Yes.Becauseyoudidn’ttellmeaboutthis.”ShegesturedwildlyatagrinningCam.“That!”
“Areyoutwo,youknow?”Jacobpointedatus.“Together?Together?”
Ididn’tgetachancetoanswer.Camspunmearoundandkissedme,righttherebetweenthetwo

buildings.Itwasnofriendlypeckonthelips.Whenourtonguestouched,mybagslippedoffmyarmand
hitthefrostedground.

“Holycrap,”Jacobmuttered.“Ithinkthey’regoingtomakebabies.”
Cheeksflaming,Ipulledback.Camlookedabsolutelyshamelessashepressedakisstomyforehead.

Overhisshoulder,IsawStephandherfriend,gapingatus.Guessshedidn’tgetthememoeither.

“Igottocatchupwiththeprofessorbeforeclassbegins,soI’vegottorun,”hesaid,backingup.“See

youafterclass?”

“Yes.”Mylipstingled,alongwithvariousotherpartsofmybody.“Seeyouthen.”
WhenIturnedbacktomyfriends,bothofthemstaredatmelikeIjustflashedthemmygoods.Bending

down,Ipickedupmybag.“Okay,beforebothofyoustartyellingatme,itjusthappened,likeyesterday
andIhadn’thadthetimetosayanything.”

Britfoldedherarms.“Youhaven’thadasecondtocall,orIdon’tknow,sendatextmessage?”
“Wesortofhungoutalldayyesterday,wenttodinnerandthen—”
“Didyouguyshavesex?”Jacobgraspedmyshoulders,givingmealittleshake.“OhmyGod,girl,

details—Ineededdetails.Whatisthesizeofhis—?”

“Wedidn’thavesex.”Ismackedhishandsaway.“Geez,wejustgottogetheryesterday.Givemesome

timeforthat.”

“Iwould’vebeenscrewinghimsinceAugust,”Jacobadvised.
Ishothimablandlook.
TheydrilledmeonwhathappenedasweheadedintoWhitehallandthroughthebeginningofclass.By

thetimeIleftthemtowaitforCamoutside,IwassureI’dsmoothedovermyfriendfail.

Istoodjustoutsideoftheawning,leaningagainstoneofthepillars.Iprobablylookedweird,because

ofthebeamingsmileplasteredacrossmyface,butIhadn’treallystoppedsmilingsinceyesterday

morning.

MysmileslippedaninchwhenIsawCamcomingoutofthedoors,Stephattachedtohisside.The

onlythingthatkeptmefromactinglikeatigerandpouncingonherwasthefactthatCamdidn’tlooktoo
thrilled.

Stephtossedherglossymaneofhairoveroneshoulderastheyapproachedme.“Hi,”shesaidwithI

thoughtwasawholebuttloadoffalsecheer.

“Hey,”Ireplied,holdinghergaze.
Camslippeduptomyside,threadinghisfingersthroughmine.“Yourclassletoutearly?”
Inodded.“Justafewminutesago.”
Stephwasglaringdaggersthroughourjoinedhands.“AreyougoingtobeatJase’spartynextSaturday,

Cam?”

Therewasaparty?Asstupidasitwas,IsodidnotliketheideaofCamgoingtoapartywhereSteph

wouldbe.Wrong.Wrong.ButanuglyfeelingsnakedthroughmewheneverIthoughtofthosetwohooking
upinthepast.

“Idon’tknowyet.”Camsqueezedmyhand.“DependsonifAverywantstogo.”
Herperfectmouthdroppedopen,andIthinkIlovedCam.“IfAverywantsto…?Whatever.”She

stalkedoff,joiningthegirlI’dseenherwithattheHalloweenparty.

IlookedupatCam.“Well,shedidn’tseemtoohappyaboutthat.”
Heshrugged.
Westartedupthehill,towardKnutti.“Soyouguysweren’tmorethanjustfriendswithbenefits?”
Camsentmeasidelongglance.“Wehookedupeveryonceinawhile,butlikeItoldyouthisweekend,

Ihaven’tbeenwithanyonesinceImetyou.”

“Iknow.Itjustseemslikeshewantedmore.”
“Wouldn’tyou?”
“Geez,wereallyneedtoworkonyourconfidence.”
Camchuckledashepulledmetohisside.Wehuddledagainstthewindwhippingdownthehill.“Ican

thinkofafewotherthingswecanworkon.”

“Perv,”Imumbledeventhoughmymindwasrighttherewithhim.
Hepressedhislipstomytemple.“Guiltyascharged,sweetheart.”

#

Camdidn’tgotothepartyatJase’sSaturdaynight.Hehadn’tevenbroughtitupandIwasn’tsureifI

shouldhave.Ifeltalittleguiltyabouthimnotgoing,becauseIdidn’twanttointerferewithhisfriends,
buthedidn’tseemedbotheredbythefactthathewasmissingoutonanepicgameofbeerpong.

Wewentouttodinnerinanearbytownandthencamebacktomyplace.IfIhadanydoubtsaboutthe

seriousnessofourrelationship,therewerevanquishedthatevening.

CamhadbroughtRaphaelovertomyapartment.
Nothinggotmoreseriousthanallowingatortoisetocrawlacrossyourkitchenfloor.
“Heneedstogethisexercise,”Camsaid,sittinginfrontofmyfridge,legsspread.“Ifnot,hejustgets

fatandlazy,sittinginhisshell.”

“PoorRaphael.”Ipickedhimupandturnedhimbackaround,sohewasheadingtowardCam.“Ithas

tobeboringintheaquarium.”

“It’saterrarium,”Camcorrected.“Andhehasarockingterrarium.Gothimanewoneforhis

birthday.”

“Youknowwhenhisbirthdayis?”
“Yep.July26

th

.”Hepaused,eyeingme.“Whenisyourbirthday?”

Icrossedmyankles.“Uh,youhaveawhileuntilyouhavetoworryaboutthat.When’syours?”
“June15

th

.Whenisyours,Avery?”

Thiswasabouttogetawkward.“ItwasJanuary2

nd

.”

Camleanedforward,hisbrowraising.Severalsecondspassedashestaredatme.“Imissedyour

birthday.”

“It’snotabigdeal,”Isaid,wavingitoff.“IwenttotheSmithsonianandthenIgotsick,soit’s

probablyagoodthingyouweren’taround.”

Hisexpressiontensed.“Aw,man,that’swhyyousaidyouwantedtogothereonthesecond.Youwere

alone?Shit.Isofeel—”

“Don’t.”Iheldupmyhand.“Youdon’tneedtofeelterrible.Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong.”
Camwatchedmeforafewmoremoments,expressionsheltered.Finally,hesaid,“Well,there’s

alwaysnextyear.”

Ismiledatthat.Nextyear.Wow.Thinkingthatfarinadvancewasalittlescaryandexciting.
Afteralittlewhile,Camscoopedtheturtleupandstood.“Berightback.”
WhileCamtookhispetbacktohisapartment,Irushedintothebathroomandquicklybrushedmyteeth.

Iwasdonesecondsbeforehecameback.Hepulledthewoolsweateroff,drapingitoverthebackofthe
couch.Thegrayshirtthathadbeenonunderneathstretchedoverhisbroadchestandwhenhestretched
beforehesatdown,theshirtrose,exposingaspanoftautskin.

MyheartratekickedupasIwatchedhimfromthehallway.CamandIkissed—alot—andhelikedto

cuddle,soinaweek,I’dgrownusetohimhavinghisarmsaroundmeandhislipsonmine,butwehadn’t
doneanythinglikewehadThanksgivingnight,eventhoughIimaginedthathewantedto.Sotherewas
manynightsIwenttobed,thinkingabouthim,andwhileIcouldgetsomerelieffromwhatwasturning
intoaconstantlowsimmeringache,itwasn’tenough.

Hewantedme.
Iwantedhim.
Weweretogether.
AndItrustedhim.
Bitingdownonmylip,ItoyedwiththeedgeofthesweaterdressIwore.I’dtakenoffthebootsand

tightswhenwe’dgottenbackandnowtinybumpsspreadacrossmybarelegs.

Washewaitingformetomakethefirstmove?Heseemedso…carefulwithme,asifhewasworried

thatI’drunawayfromhim.Iwantedtoruntohim.Camglancedoveratme,browraised.Theroomwas
darkwiththeexceptionoftheglowfromtheTV.“Yougoingtocomeoverhereorstareatmetherestof
theevening?”

MycheeksflushedasIpushedawayfromthedoor.Icoulddothis.Ididn’tneedtowaitonhimto

makeamove.

Gatheringmycourage,Iwalkedovertohim.Hestaredupatmewiththoseextraordinaryeyesashe

liftedahand.Iplacedmineinhis,butinsteadofsittingbesidehim,Iclimbedintohislap,straddlinghim.

Camimmediatelystraightened,hishandsflyingtomyhips.“Heythere,sweetheart.”
“Hey,”Ireplied,heartpoundingsofasttherewasagoodchanceIwasgoingtohaveaheartattack.
Hisgazedipped,thicklashesshieldinghiseyes.“Didyoumissmethismuch?Iwasonlygoneafew

minutes?”

“Maybe.”IplacedmyhandsonhisshouldersasIloweredmyselfdown.MygriptightenedasIfelthis

arousalpressingagainstthesoftestpartofme.

Hishandstraveledupmysidesslowly,soslowlythatIthoughtIwoulddiebythetimehecuppedmy

cheeks.“Whatareyoudoing?”

Iwettedmylipsandhislasheslifted,revealingadeepershadeofblue.“Whatdoesitlooklike?”
“Icanthinkofafewthings.”Histhumbsmovedovermycheeks.“Allofthemhavemeextremely

interested.”

“Interested?”Mybreathswerecomingoutfastandshort.“That’sgood.”
Then,becauseitseemedlikehewaslettingmetaketheleadonthis,Ibroughtmyheaddowntohis.

Ourlipsbrushedonce,twice,andthenIpressedminetohismorefirmly.Hefollowedme,ourkisses
becomingdeeper,slower,andinfinitelymoreashistonguetorturedmineinawaythathadmeshakingand
wantingsoverymuchmore.

Hishandsslidbackdowninaslow,languidpace,causingmybacktoarchintothemovement.Even

thoughtheonlyexperienceIhadwiththiswaswhatwe’ddoneThanksgivingnight,itseemedlikemy
bodyknewwhattodo.Irockedmyhipsandhishandstightenedonmywaist.Ashudderworkeditsway
downhislargebody,anditwasbothabitfrighteningandalotexhilarating.

Oneofhishandsballedinthematerialofmydress,inchingitupmythighs.Theotherdriftedbackup,

overmyfrontandthenacrossmybreast.Hecuppedme,histhumbsmoothingoverthetip,teasingthe
hardeningpeakthroughtheclothing.Amoanrushedmeanditcameout,asoundthatseemedtothrill
Cam.

“Youlikedthat?”heasked,hislipsbrushingmine.
Didhereallyneedconfirmation?“Yes.”
Histhumbmovedinaslow,tortuouscircleovermytip.Itriedtocatchmybreathashislipsleftmine.

Henippedatmychinandthendownmyneck.Mybackarchedfurther,pushingmybreastfurtherintohis
handasmyhipsrolledagain.Thesexiestsoundrumbledfromhischestasheleanedbackandlookedat
me.

“Tellmewhatyouwant,sweetheart.”Hishandmovedtomyotherbreast.“Anything.AndI’lldoit.”
TherewasonethingIneededfromhim.“Touchme.”
Camshudderedagain,andtheactionmademehot.“MayI?”
Inodded,havingnoideawhatIwasagreeingto,butItrustedhim.Bothofhishandswereonmy

shoulders,slidingunderthewidenecklineofmydress.Istilledasheslippedthematerialdownmy
shoulders,exposingmybra.Hekeptloweringthedress,untilIcouldpullmyarmsfreeandthematerial
bunchedaroundmywaist.

“Beautiful,”hemurmured,trailinghisfingersalongthelacyedgesofmybra.“Lookatthatblush.So

fuckingbeautiful.”

Myresponsewaslostasheloweredhishead,closinghismouthoverthetipofmybreast.Throughthe

thinsatinofmybra,hismouthworkedmeashegrippedmyhips,pullingmeagainsthimharder.My
senseswereoverwhelmedfromeachhotpullofhismouthandthefeelofhimthere,pressingagainstmy
core.Myhandsflutteredtohisheadasminekickedback.Hemovedtomyothernippleandateasingbite
hadmecryingout.

Iwaslostinhim,surroundingtothefeelingshewasstirringinsideme.Ialreadyfeltclosetotoppling

overtheedgeandwhenhishandsdroppedtomythighs,runningupunderthehemofmyskirt,Itensedin
themostwonderfulway.

Hislipsscorchedapathupmyneck,teasingmylowerlip.“Tellmesomething,sweetheart.”Hishand

movedtotheinsideofmythigh,makingtinycirclesthatcameclosetomycore.“Haveyoucomebefore?”

MyentirebodyflushedandwhenIdidn’tanswer,hishandmovedfurtherdownmythigh,awayfrom

whereIwantedhim.Damnhim.“Yes,”Iwhispered.“Ihave.”

“Byyourself?”heasked,movinghishandbackupmythigh.
Iwiggledcloser,andhegroaned.Droppingmyforeheadtohis,Iclosedmyeyes.“Yes.”

Asarewardforansweringhisquestion,onelongfingerskimmedoverthecenterofmypantiesandmy

entirebodyjerkedinresponse.Theknotinmybellytightenedandhisfingertrailedbackandforthina
featherlighttouchthatdrovemecrazy.

Desirecloudedmythoughts,andIknewIwantedtomakehimfeelwhatIwas.Iwasn’tcompletely

obliviousontothehowto.Islidmyhanddownhischest,overhisflatstomach.Ihesitatedatthebandon
hisjeans.

Camstilledandthennippedatmylip.“Whatdoyouwant,Avery?”
“Iwantto…Iwanttotouchyou,”Iadmitted,surprisingmyself.“ButIdon’tknowwhatyoulike.”
Hemadethatsoundagainthathadmetremblingasheplacedhisotherhandovermine.“Sweetheart,

anythingyoudoissomethingI’mgoingtolike.”

“Really?”
“Hellyeah,”hesaid,shiftingbacksothattherewasspacebetweenus.“Whateveryouwanttodoto

me,I’mgoingtoloveit.Youdon’thavetoworryaboutthat.”

Emboldenbythatstatement,Iflickedthebuttonofhisjeansopenandthenpulleddownhiszipper.

Holycrap.Igaspedatthesightofhard,pinkflesh.Noboxers.Nothing.Camwentcommando.

Camchuckledatmydiscovery.“Easyaccess.”Andthenhereacheddown,easinghimselfout.
Icouldn’thelpbutstareandIfeltlikeagooberfordoingso,buttherewassomethingentirelyhotabout

seeinghimlikethis,knowingthathewantedmeandIwelcomedhim.Ihesitatedthoughandwhilehesaid
Icoulddoanythingandhewouldenjoyit,IdoubtedthatandIwantedtopleasehim.Iwantedtomakehim
feelgood.

Iwatchedhishandwraparoundthebaseandstrokeup.“I’vethoughtaboutyou,”Iwhispered.
Hishandstilled.“How?”
“WhenI…touchedmyself,Ithoughtofyou.”
“Holyfuck,”Camgrowled.“ThatisthehottestthingI’veeverheard.”
Camkissedmethen,harderandrougherthanbefore.Itdidn’tscareme.Ifanything,itexcitedmemore.

HeguidedmyhandtohimandIwrappedmyfingersaroundhisthickness.Hejumpedagainstmypalmand
hischestrosesharply.

HesaidsomethingagainstmymouththatIcouldn’tmakeoutandthenhemovedmyhandupthelength

ofhimandthenbackdown,establishingarhythmthatIkeptupafterheletgoofmywrist.Withhishand
freenow,itclaspedthebackofmyneckashisotherreturnedtothecenterofmythighs.Bothofuswere
breathingfastwhenhecuppedmethroughmypanties.Hispalmpressedagainstthebundleofnervesas
hisfingerspushedintomyheat,andIwaslost.AshekissedmedeeplyandasIstrokedhim,Irodehis
hand.Hethrustintomine,themovementssmallbutforceful.HisbodyshookasIfeltthefamiliar
tighteninginmycore.Theknotunraveled,spiralingoutthroughme.Icamehard,hisnameaharsh
whisper.Hishandstayedthere,rubbingmeslowlythroughmypantiesastremorsrockedmybody.And
thenhefollowed,hisbodythrustingupandspasming.

ForeverseemedtopassbeforeCamgentlypulledmyhandaway.Iwaslimpandsatedashetuckedme

againsthischest,holdingmeclose,hisheartpoundingasfastasmine.Hedroppedakissonthelidsofmy
eyesandthenonmypartedlips.Wedidn’tspeakintheaftermathandIlearnedthatsometimeswords
weren’tnecessary.

Butinthebackofmyhead,IknewtherewerewordsIneededtosay.Truthsthatshouldbespoken

beforewewentanyfurther.ThingsIneededtodealwith.

“Hey,”Camsaid,hisvoicesoft.I’dtensedwithoutrealizingit.“Youokay.Ididn’t—”
“Itwasperfect.”Ikissedhisjaw,wishingIhadaswitchonmybrain.“Thisisperfect.”
Ijusthopeditlasted.

Chapter27

EconomicsbecameinfinitelymoreinterestingwhenIusedthetimeinclasstoreplayeverythingthat

CamandIhaddoneafterhisfriendshadleftandOlliehadgonetobedthenightbefore.

He’dtakenmebacktohisbedroom,quietlyclosingthedoorbehindhim.Nervousenergyhadbuiltin

mystomachashe’dstalkedtowardmeandcuppedmycheeks.Sincethenightonmycouch,we’dkissed
andtouchedalot,butitseemeddifferentinhisbedroom,moreintimate,withmorepossibilities.

Itriednottothinkaboutactualsex,becauseIwasn’tsureIcouldactuallygothroughtheact.Ifit

wouldfeelgoodformeorifitwouldremindmeofwhathappened.Iknewitwouldhurt,becauseIwas
stillverymuchavirgin,butwouldthepainbecomesomethingdeeper?

Hehadn’twantedmorethatnightandIwonderedifbysomeway,heknew.
Camhadtakenmysweateroff,buthe’dleftmybraandjeanson.Hisshirthadjoinedmydiscarded

clothes,andwhenhe’dkissedmehishandshadtangledinmyhair.We’dfallenontohisbedandhe’dslid
hislegbetweenmine.Ashiskisseshadtraileddownmythroatandcenteredovermylace-covered
breasts,he’ddroppedhishandstomyhips,urgingmetomoveagainsthim.He’ddrawnmyhardened
nippleintohismouthasIrockedagainsthim,myheadkickedbackandmouthclampedshuttokeepquiet.
He’dbroughtmetoanorgasmlikethat,nohandsonme,throughmyjeansandpanties.AndwhenIslidmy
handsintohisloosesweats,palmingthehard,heavylength,hethrustagainstmyhand,verymuchlikeI
imaginedhewouldinsideme.

Ihadstayedforawhile,cuddledupagainsthim.We’dtalkedabouteverythingandnothing,longinto

thenight.I’dleftwhenhestartedtodozeoffandhe’dbeenawakeenoughtotrytocoaxmebackintohis
bed.He’dgottenupthoughandhadwalkedmetomyapartmentdoor.Camhadgivenmethesweetestkiss
goodnight.

TherewasagoodchancethatI’dfalleninlove.
Okay.I’dprobablyalreadyhadmonthsago,butnowitseemedmorereal,itwasattainable,and—oh,

God—Iactuallyknewwhatlovefeltlike—bubblywarmth.WhenIwasaroundhimorthoughtabouthim,
IimaginedIfeltlikethebubblesinchampagnedid,constantlyfloatingtothetop.DidIjustthinkthat?

Abiggoofysmileappearedonmylips.
Britcaughtmyeyeandmadeaface.
Flushing,IdecidedIshouldpayattentionforthelasttenminutesofclass.Theprofessorwastalking

aboutgaspumplinesintheearlyeighties.Somethingtodowithsupplyanddemand.Iwassogoingto
havetoreadthatchapter.

“God,youhaveitsobad,”Britsaidtomeafterclass,aswewalkedoutofWhitehall.“It’sallover

yourface.”

Igrinned.“Ido.”
Britloopedherarmthroughmineaswesteppedoutside.Flurriesfloatedtothegroundandtheclouds

werethick.“I’mgladyouguysworkeditout.Youtwoaresodamncutetogetherit’salmostdisgusting.”

“He’s…”Ishookmyhead.“I’mlucky.”
“He’slucky,”shecorrected,nudgingmeaswetrudgedupthehill.“Sowhatareyougettinghimfor

Valentine’sDay?”

“Valentine’sDay?”Istoppedsuddenly.Severalpeoplebehindsusgrumbledastheywalkedaround

BritandI.“Ohshit,that’snextweek.”Iturnedtoher,eyeswide.“Ihavenoidea.”

Britgiggledasshetuggedonmyarm.Istartedwalkingagain.“Youshouldseeyourface,”shesaid.

“It’slikeyoujustrealizedthattheworldisendingnextweekinsteadofbeingastupid,man-made
holiday.”

Iignoredthat.“Ihavenoideawhattogethim.”
“Whathaveyougottenpreviousboyfriends?”
“Nothing,”Ireplied,toopanickedtocareaboutwhatIwasadmitting.“I’veneverhadaboyfriend

before.”

NowitwasBrit’sturntostopandbackuptraffic.“What?Likenever?Holycrap,Iknewyouwerea

little,umsheltered,butcomeon.IthinkAmishkidshavemoreexperiencethanyou.”

Ishotheradirtylook.“You’renothelpingandI’mseriouslyfreakingouthere.”
“Okay.Okay.Makefunofyoulater.Gotit.”Shewrinkleduphernose.“We’llgoshoppingafter

class.”

Laterthatafternoon,thesnowwasstillcomingdown,buttheroadswereclearforthedriveinto

Martinsburg.Atthemall,Iwasstillseriouslyataloss,staringatthelittleredheartsdanglingfromthe
ceilingatthedepartmentstore.

Britpickedupapairofblacksatinboxerswithredheartsonthem.“Uh…”
“No,”Isaid.BesidesthefactthatwasthecorniestshitI’deverseen,Camdidn’talwayswear

underwear.

Shepursedherlips.“Well,there’salwaysthestandardgifts.Youcangethimsomecologne,awallet,a

tie,orashirt.”

“That’sreallylame.”
“Ididn’tsaytheyweregoodideas.”
Ipoutedasweheadedintoanotherstore.ThetripwasatotalbustwiththeexceptionofBrittryingout

everybodylotion.Bythetimeweleft,shesmelledlikesheworkedinaBathandBodyWorks
sweatshop.

Backatmyapartment,IscouredtheInternetforagoodgift.Iwantedittobespecial,becausewith

Cam,IfeltlikeIwaswakingup.Isawthingsdifferently,moreclearly.Iwasn’tsureifitwashimorhow
IwaswithhimorifIwasfinallychanging.Eitherway,CamplayedaroleinthisandIwantedtogethim
agiftthatmattered.

Afteraboutanhour,Idecidedthatshoppingforaguysucked.
Irackedmybrain.IfIcouldgethimalifetimesupplyofeggs,he’dbedownforthat.
Groaninginfrustration,Igotupandpeekedoutthewindow.Snowwascomingdownthickandfast,

blanketingthegroundandthecars.Thenewshadsaidthere’dbeaccumulation,butIdoubtedthecampus
wouldclose.

Pullingmyhairupinamessyponytail,Iheadedtowardthekitchenwhenitsuddenlystruckme.

SomethingthatCamhadmentionedafewtimes.

He’dtalkedaboutwantingtocatchaD.C.Unitedgame.
Squealing,Iracedbacktomylaptopandcheckedouttheirwebsite.Clickingontheirschedule,I

orderedtwoticketsforanearlyAprilgame,thinkingthattheweatherwouldbealotmorestablethen.

Iclosedmylaptop,feelinggoodaboutmypurchase.Hecouldtakemeorifhewantedto,oneofhis

friends.IwasokaywiththataslongashewashappywithwhatIgot.

Lessthananhourlater,Camshowedup,dampfromthesnow.“Pizzanight?”
“Soundsgoodtome.”IkissedhischeekasItooktheboxfromhim.“Howaretheroads?”
“Theysuck.”Hegrabbedtwocansofsodasoutofthefridge.“Whichbringsmetothisbrilliantidea

I’vehad.”

Igrinned.“Yourideascanbeabitscary.”
“Myideasareneverscaryorbad.”

“Well…”

“Nameone,”hechallenged.
Ididn’thavetothinkhard.“HowaboutwhenyoutiedastringaroundRaphael’sshellandcalledita

leash?”

“Thatwasaninnovativeidea!”
“Thepoorthingjuststoodthereandputitsheadinitsshell.”
Camscuffed.“That’sreallynodifferentthananyotherday.”
Ilaughed.“True.”
“Thisideaisgreat.”Slappingslicesofpizzaontwopaperplates,hewinkedatme.“They’resaying

thatit’ssupposedtosnowthroughtomorrowmorning.”

Iwascaughtbetweengleeandannoyance.Snowwasgreat.Walkingoncampuswithsnoworiceon

thegroundwasnot.

“AndIseriouslydoubtthatanyoftheclasseswillbecancelledtomorrow,”hecontinuedaswewalked

intomylivingroom.“Butalotofpeoplewillbeoutandtheteacherswillexpectthat.”

“Okay.”Isatonthecouch,scootingoverforhim.
“SoIwasthinkingweshouldskiptomorrow,stayrighthereandwatchshittymoviesallday.”
MyfirstresponsewastosayIcouldn’tskipawholeday’sworthofclasses,butasImetCam’s

mischievousgaze,Isaidscrewit.“Thatisabrilliantidea.”

“Iknow,right?”Hetappedhishead.“I’mfullofgreatshit.”
“Yeah,you’redefinitelyfullofit…”
“Ha.”
IgiggledasIbitintothecheesygoodness.CamatehalfofthepizzaandwhenOlliestoppedby,he

finisheditoff.Itamazedmehowthetwoguyscouldeatsomuchandbeinsuchdrool-worthyshape.Iate
twoslicesandgainedanextraass.

Sittingbetweenthetwoboys,Idozedoffwhiletheywatchedamini-marathonofarealityshowabout

moonshining.WhenIwokeup,OlliewasgoneandalthoughIwaslyingagainstCam,hisbodywas
unnaturallytense.

Isatup,yawningasIpushedmyhairoutofmyface.“Sorry.Ididn’tmeantofallasleeponyou.”
Helookedatme,expressionunreadable.Uneasestirredlikeapitofvipersinmystomach.Hisjaw

wassotightthatIwonderedifhewasgoingtocrackhismolars.

“Iseverythingokay?”Iasked.
Camexhaledsoftlyasheglancedatthecoffeetable.“Yougotamessagewhileyouweresleeping.”
Mygazefollowedhis,landingonmycellphone.AtfirstIdidn’tseewhatthebigdealwas,butthen

anxietyroselikeafast-movingstorm.Wide-awake,Ishotforwardandgrabbedthecellphone.Tapping
thescreen,myheartjumped.

You’realyingwhore.Howcanyoulivewithyourself?
Idraggedinabreath,butitgotstuck.Istaredatthemessage,wishingitwouldsimplyvanishfrom

existence.

“Itflashedacrossyourscreenwhenitcamethrough,”hesaid.
Handsshaking,Ideletedthemessageandsatthephonedown.Hurtandawaveofirrationalanger

rolledthroughme.Thosetwoemotionsfeltbetterthanthethreateningpanic.“Youlookedatthetext?”

“It’snotlikeIdiditonpurpose.”Heleanedforward,handssplayedoverhisknees.“Itwasrightthere,

sittingonyourscreen.”

“Butyoudidn’thavetolook!”Iaccused,backingoffthecouch.
Cam’seyesnarrowed.“Avery,Iwasn’tsneakingthroughyourstuff.Thedamntextcamethrough.I

lookedbeforeIcouldstopmyself.Maybethatwaswrong.”

“Itwaswrong!”
“Okay.Itwaswrong.I’msorry.”Hedrewinadeepbreath.“Butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthatIsaw

thattext.”

Iwasfrozen,standinginthemiddleofmylivingroom.Thiswasprettydamnclosetomyworstfear

comingtrue.Himfindingoutwhathappenedheldthefirstspot,butthiswasaclosesecondandjustas
horrifying.

“Avery,”hesaidinalow,carefulvoice.Inthatmoment,Irealizedhewasn’tmadatme.Notinthe

slightestandnotevenafterIyelledathimforlookingatthewretchedtext.Somehowthatwasworsethan
himbeingangrywithme.“Whywouldyougetatextlikethat?”

Myheartthrewitselfagainstmyribspainfully.“Idon’tknow.”
Adubiouslookcrossedhisface.
“Idon’tknow,”Isaidagain,latchingontotheliewitheverythingIhadinme.“EverysooftenIgeta

textlikethis,butIdon’tknowwhy.Ithinkit’sawrongnumberkindofthing.”

Camstaredatme.“Youdon’tknowwhothat’sfrom?”
“No.”Andthatwasthetruth.“Itsaysunknowncaller.Yousawthat.”
Hisshoulderstensedatthatandthenheclenchedhisknees.Severalsecondspassedwhilemypulse

pounded.

“I’msorryforfreakingoutonyou,”Iaddedinarush.“Itjustsurprisedme.IwasasleepandIwakeup

andIcouldtellsomethingwaswrong.ThenIthought…Idon’tknowwhatIthought,butI’msorry.”

“Stopapologizing,Avery.”Hescootedtotheedgeofthecouch.“Idon’tneedtohearthatyou’resorry.

Iwantyoutobehonestwithme,sweetheart.That’sallIwant.Ifyou’regettingmessageslikethat,Ineed
toknowaboutthat.”

“Why?”
Hisdarkbrowsknitted.“BecauseI’myourboyfriendandIcareifsomeoneiscallingyouawhore!”
Iflinched.
Camlookedaway,chestrising.“Honestly?Itpissesmeoff,evenifit’sanaccidentaltext.Noone

shouldbesendingyoushitlikethat.”Hisgazesettledonmeagain.Aneternitystretchedoutbetweenus.
“Youknowyoucantellmeanything,right?I’mnotgoingtojudgeyouorgetmad.”

“Iknow.”MyvoicesoundedsmalltomyownearsandIhatedthat.Isaidlouder,“Iknow.”
Hiseyesmetmine.“Andyoutrustme,right?”
“Yes.OfcourseIdo.”Ididn’twaver.
Again,therewasapregnantpausethathadmeassumingtheworse.“Shit,”heallbutgrowled,andmy

heartsunk.Didheknow?Whatwashethinking?Thetruth—everything—rosetothetipofmytongue,and
thenheclosedhiseyes.“Ihaven’tbeenentirelyhonestwithyou.”

“What?”ThatwasthelastthingIexpectedhimtosay.
Herubbedhispalmalonghisjaw.“Itellyouthatyoushouldtrustmeandthatyoucantellmeanything,

butI’mnotdoingthesamething.Andeventuallyyou’regoingtofindout.”

Whoa.Forgetthetextmessage.Forgetsayinganything.Whatthehellwasgoingon?Almostnumb,I

hurriedaroundthecoffeetableandsatafewfeetawayfromhimonthecouch.“Whatareyoutalking
about,Cam?”

Liftinghishead,hepiercedmesuchatorturedstarethatitmademychestache.“YouknowhowItold

youweallhavedoneshitinourpastwearen’tproudof?”

“Yes.”
“Icansaythatfromfirsthandexperience.Onlyafewpeopleknowaboutthis,”hesaid,andIsuddenly

thoughtofthedayhe’dgottenupsetwithOllieandthenatthepartywhenhe’dgoneafterthatguy.There

seemedtobesomethingthatJasehadbeentellinghimwithoutreallysayingit.“Andit’sthelastthingI
wanttotellyou.”

“Youcantellme,”Iassuredhim,andyeah,IfeltlikeatwatconsideringallthatIwasn’ttellinghim.I

pushedthosethoughtsaway,focusingonCam.“Seriously,youcantalktome.Please.”

Hehesitated.“Ishouldbegraduatingthisyear,alongwithOllie,butI’mnot.”
“Irememberyoutellingmeyouhadtotakesometimeoff.”
Camnodded.“Itwassophomoreyear.Ihadn’tbeenhomealotduringthesummerbecauseIwas

helpingcoachasoccercampinMaryland,butwheneverIdidgohome,mysister…shewasacting
different.Icouldn’tputmyfingeronit,butshewassuperjumpyandwhenshewashome,shespentall
hertimeinherbedroom.Andapparentlyshewasrarelyhomeaccordingtomyparents.”

MystomachsunkasIcrossedmylegs.IhopedIwaswrongandIdidn’tknowwherethiswasheading.
“Mysister,she’salwaysbeenthisbleedingheart,youknow.Pickingupstrayanimalsandpeople,

especiallystrayguys.Evenwhenshewasatinything,shealwaysbuddiedupwiththemostunpopularkid
intheclass.”Hislipsquirkedupatthecorners.“Shemetthisguy.Hewasayearortwoolderthanher
andIguesstheirrelationshipwasserious—asseriousastheycanbewhenyou’resixteen.Metthekid
once.Didn’tlikehim.Andithadnothingtodowiththefacthewastryingtogetwithmylittlesister.
Therewasjustsomethingabouthimthatrubbedmethewrongway.”

Camslidhishandsdownshischeeksandthendroppedthembetweenhisknees.“Iwashomeover

ThanksgivingbreakandIwasinthekitchen.Teresawasinthereandweweremessingaround.She
pushedmeandIpushedherback,onherarm.NotevenhardandshecriedoutlikeI’dseriouslyhurther.
AtfirstIthoughtshewasjustbeingdumb,butthereweretearsinhereyes.SheplayeditoffandIforgot
aboutitforthatnight,butonThanksgivingmorning,Momhadwalkedinonherinatowelandshesawit.”

Iheldmybreath.
“Mysister…shewascoveredinbruises.Upanddownherarms,onherlegs.”Hishandsclosedinto

fists.“Shesaiditwasfromdancing,butweallknewyoucouldn’tgetbruiseslikethatfromdancing.It
tookalmostallmorningtogetthetruthoutofher.”

“Itwasherboyfriend?”IrememberedtheconversationatthetableandCam’ssuddeninterestinwho

shewastalkingtomadesense.

Amusclepoppedinhisjawashenodded.“Thelittlefuckhadbeenhittingher.Hewassmartaboutit,

doingitinplacesthatweren’tsoeasilynoticeable.Shestayedwithhim.Ididn’tknowwhyatfirst.Come
tofindoutthatshewastooscaredofhimtobreakup.”

Camstoodsuddenly,andmygazefollowedhim.Hewenttothewindow,partingthecurtains.“Who

knowshowlongitwould’vecontinuedifMomhadn’twalkedinwhenshedid.WouldTeresahavefinally
toldsomeone?Orwouldthatbastardjustkepthittingheronenightandkilledher?”

EmotioncrawledupmythroatasIsuckedmylowerlipbetweenmyteeth.
“God,Iwassopissed,Avery.Iwantedtokillthefuck.Hewasbeatingupmysisterandmydad

wantedtocallthepolice,butwhatweretheyreallygoingtodo?Bothofthemwereminors.He’dgethis
handsslappedandgetcounseling,whatever.Andthat’sbullshit.Iwasn’tokaywiththat.Ileft
ThanksgivingnightandIfoundhim.Didn’ttakemuch,fuckingsmalltownandall.Iknockedonhisdoor
andhecamerightout.Itoldhimhecouldn’tcomearoundmysisteranymoreandyouknowwhatthatlittle
punkdid?”

“What?”Iwhispered.
“Hegotallupinmyface,puffinghisfuckingchestatme.Toldmehewoulddowhateverthefuckhe

wanted.”Cambarkedoutaquick,harshlaugh.“Ilostit.Angryisn’teventhewordtouse.Iwasenraged.
IhithimandIdidn’tstop.”Heturnedaround,buthewasn’treallyseeingme.“Ididn’tstophittinghim.

Notwhenhisparentscameoutorhismomstartingscreaming.Ittooktwopoliceofficerstogetmeoff
him.”

OhmyGod,Ididn’tknowwhattosay.AsIwatchedhimsitinthemoonchair,Icouldn’timaginehim

hittingsomeoneandnotstopping.Notevenafterseeinghowangryhe’dbeenattheguyatJase’sparty.

Camrubbedhischeeksagain.“Iendedupinjailandheendedupinacoma.”
MymouthdroppedopenbeforeIcouldstopmyreaction.
Helookedaway,loweringhischin.“I’dbeeninfightsbefore—normalshit.Butnothinglikethat.My

knuckleswerebustedwideopenandIdidn’tevenfeelit.”Heshookhishead.“Mydad…heworkedhis
magic.Ishould’vegoneawayforalongtimeforthat,butIdidn’t.Guessithelpedthatthekidwokeupa
fewdayslater.”

Witheverypassingsecond,mymuscleslockedup,oneafteranother.
“Igotoffeasy—notevenanightinjail.”Camsmiled,buttherewasnowarmthtoit.“ButIcouldn’t

leavehomeforseveralmonthswhileitgotworkedout.Iendedupwithayear’sworthofcommunity
serviceatthelocalboys’clubandthenanotheryear’sworthofangermanagement.That’swhatIdoevery
Friday.Mylastsessionisinthefall.Myfamilyhadtopayrestitutionandyoudon’tevenwanttoknow
howmuchthatcost.Ihadtostopplayingsoccerbecauseofthecommunityservicegig,but…likeIsaid,I
gotoffeasy.”

Hehadgottenoffeasy.
JustlikeBlainehadgottenoffeasy.
No.Istoppedmyselfrightthere.Theseweretwodifferentsituations—BlainewasarapistandCam

hadbeatentheguywho’dbeathissister.WhatCamhaddonewaswrong.Violenceshouldneverbethe
answertoviolence,buttheguyhadhurthissister.

“Iunderstand,”Isaid,andIrealizedthateventhoughtheirsituationwassimilarinaway,itwasvastly

different.AndIwasshockedmyself.Theoldme—allshewould’vebeenabletothinkaboutwashow
bothhadgottenoffbecauseofwhotheywere,whotheirparentswere,andmoney.ButIwasn’ther
anymore.Andsometimesgoodpeopledidbadthings.

Hisheadswungtome.“What?”
“Iunderstandwhyyoudidit.”
Camstood.“Avery—”
“Idon’tknowwhatitsaysaboutme,butyouweredefendingyoursisterandbeatingthecrapout

someoneisn’ttheanswer,butshe’syoursisterand…”AndifIhadabrotherandhe’dreactedthatway
afterwhathappenedtome?Well,hewouldhavebeenmyhero,asterribleasthatwas.“Therearesome
peoplewhodeserveanasskicking.”

Hestaredatme.
Iunfoldedmylegs.“Andthereareprobablysomepeoplewhodon’tevendeservetobreathe.It’sa

sickandsadthingtosay,butit’strue.Theguycould’vekilledyoursister.Hell,hecouldhavebeaten
someothergirltodeath.”

CamcontinuedtostareatmelikeI’dsproutedasecondnose.“Ideservetobeinjail,Avery.Ialmost

killedhim.”

“Butyoudidn’t.”
Hedidn’tsayanything.
“Letmeaskyouaquestion.Wouldyoudoitagain?”
Severalsecondspassedandthenhesaid,“Istillwould’vedrovetohishouseandIwould’vehithim.

Maybenotasbadly,buthonestly,Idon’tthinkitwould’vechangedanything.Thebastardbeatmysister.”

Itookadeepbreath.“Idon’tblameyou.”

“You’re…”
Ishrugged.“Twisted?”
“No.”Arealsmilebrokethetensioninhisface.“You’reremarkable.”
“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.”
“Seriously,”hesaid,comingtothecouch.Hesatbesideme.“Ithoughtyouwouldbedisgustedor

angryifyouknew.”

Ishookmyhead.
Camdroppedhisforeheadtomineandheclaspedmycheeksgently.Hiseyessearchedmine.“Itfeels

goodgettingthatoffmychest.Idon’twanttheretobesecretsbetweenus.”

Ismiledasheleanedforward,kissingthecornerofmylips,butIbarelyfeltthetouch.Camsettled

back,pullingmeagainsthischest.Isnuggledcloser,butcoldnessstillseepeddeepintomybones.He’d
sharedthismajorsecretwithme,eventhoughhe’dfearedIwouldjudgehimsomehow,andIhad
remainedquiet,keepingmysecretsclosetomyheart.Thatwasn’tfair,andIcouldn’tshakethisterrible
premonitionthatitwouldsomehowcomebackaround.

Howcanyoulivewithyourself?
Camkissedthetopofmyhead,andmybreathcaught
Iwasn’tsurehowIdid.

######

Chapter28

Ihadn’treallynoticedittillthen,buttherehadbeenastressthatCamcarriedwithhim;theweightof

keepingasecrethethoughtwoulddestroysomethinghecaredabout.HowIhadn’trecognizeditbefore
wasbeyondme.

Butitwasgoodnow…mostly.
Partofmesuspectedthatoneofthereasonswhyhe’dfinallytoldmewasbecausehedidn’tbelieve

whatIsaidaboutthetext.ThatmaybehehopedbyopeningupwithmethatI’ddothesame.

Iwishedthatwasthecase,butmysecretwoulddestroywhatIcherishedmost.
Us.
ButsinceitwasValentine’sDay,Irefusedtothinkaboutit.IwashavingthemostperfectdayandI

wasn’tgoingtoruinit.

Camhadshownupatmydoorinthemorningwithasingleredroseandwithoneaftereverysingleone

ofmyclasses.Bytheafternoon,Ihadhalfadozen,whichturnedintotwodozenwhenhearrivedatmy
apartmentthatevening.Ihadn’tbeensureofourplans,soIwasrelievedtoseehiminjeansanda
sweaterandnothingfancy.Itwaslate,afternine,sinceValentine’sfellonaFriday,andIwasn’tsureif
wewereevengoingout.

Thankinghisfortherose,Itookthemintothekitchenandaddedthemtothevase.Heremainedbythe

door.“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked.

Hisgrinwasmischievous.“Stayrightwhereyouareandcloseyoureyes.”
“Ihavetoclosemyeyes?”
“Yep.”
IarchedabrowasItriedtohidemyburgeoningexcitement.“Soit’sasurprise?”
“Ofcourseitis.Socloseyoureyes.”
Mylipstwitched.“Yoursurprisesarejustasscaryasyourideas.”
“Myideasandmysurprisesarebrilliant.”
“Rememberwhenyouthoughtitwouldbeagoodideato—”
“Closeyoureyes,Avery.”
Grinning,Idutifullyclosedmyeyes.Iheardhimwalkawayandthenacoupleofmomentslaterhe

reenteredmyapartment.“Don’tpeek.”

Notpeekingwaslikeputtingasliceofcakeinfrontofmealongwithaforkandtellingmenottoeatit.

Ishiftedmyweight.“Cam…”

“Acouplemoreseconds,”hesaid,andIheardsomethingheavyrollinside.
Whatthe?Morethancurious,itwasastruggletonotopenmyeyes.Ihonestlyhadnoideawhathewas

uptoandwithCam,anythingwaspossible.

Hishandwrappedaroundmine.“Keepyoureyesclosed,okay?”
“They’reclosed.”Ilethimleadmeoutofthekitchenandintomylivingroom.
Camletgoofmyhandandslidhisarmaroundmefrombehind,pressinghischeekagainstme.Months

agoIhatedwhenanyonestoodbehindme,butIloveditwhenhedid.Thefeelofhisarms,thestrengthof
hisembrace,theintimacybehindit.

“Youcanopenyoureyesnow.”Hislipsbrushedmycheek,sendingshiversacrossmyskin.“Oryou

canstandtherewithyoureyesclosed.Ilikethat,too.”

IlaughedasIplacedmyhandsabovewherehisrestonmystomachandopenedmyeyes.Myjawhit

thefloor.“OhmyGod,Cam…”

Beforeme,sittingonastand,inafiftygallonterrariumcompletelydeckedoutwithsandandrock

bedding,leafyfoliageandahidey-hole,wasatortoisealmostthesizeofmyhand.

Hechuckled.“Youlike?”
“Like?”Stunned,InoddedasIpulledfree,placingmyhandsontheglass.Thelittleguyinsidepulled

hisheadback.“I…Iloveit.”

“Good.”Hestoodbesideme.“IthoughtRaphaelcoulduseaplaydate.”
Ilaughedagain,blinkingbacktears.“Youshouldn’thavedoneallofthis,Cam.Thisis…toomuch.”
“It’snotthatmuchandeveryoneneedsapetturtle.”Hebenthishead,kissingmycheek.“Happy

Valentine’sDay.”

Spinningaround,Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhimandkissedhimliketherewasnotomorrow.WhenI

pulledback,hiseyeswerepoolsofbluefire.“Thankyou.”

Hekissedmeagain,softandachinglytender.“You’rewelcome.”
Slidingmyarmstohiswaist,Ileanedagainsthischest.“Isitaboyoragirl?”
“Youknow,Ireallydon’tknow.Supposedlyyoucantellbytheshapeoftheirshell,buthellifIknow.”
Igrinned.“Well,boyorgirl,I’mgoingtonamehimMichelangelo.”
Camtippedhisheadbackandlaughed.“Perfect.”
“Wejustneedtwomore.”
“Sotrue.”
Wigglingfree,smiledupathim.“Berightback.”IrushedintomybedroomandgrabbedthecardI’d

stucktheticketsin.WhenIgotbacktothelivingroom,Camwasadjustingtheheatlampontheterrarium.
Heturned,smilingsoftly.“HappyValentine’sDay,”Isaid,allbutshovingthecardinhishands.My
cheeksflushed.“It’snotascoolasyourgift,butIhopeyoulikeit.”

“I’msureIwill.”Lipscurvedupononesaid,hecarefullyopenedtheenvelopeandpulledthecard

out.Ihadn’twrittenmuchinthecard,becauseIhadnoideawhattowrite.I’dsettledonaquickmessage
andmyname.

Iheldmybreathasheopenedthecard.Thehalfgrinspreadintoafullsmileasheslidthetwotickets

betweenhisfingers.Hepeeredupthroughhislashes.“Thisisanabsolutelyamazinggift,sweetheart.”

“Really?”Iclaspedmyhandstogether,pleased.“Ihopedyou’dlikeit.Imean,Iknownotplaying

soccersucksandIhopethisdoesn’tmakeyousadgoingtothegameandyoudon’thavetotakeme—”

Camclaimedmymouthlikeamanhalf-starved.Therewasnothingslowaboutthekiss;itwasawhole

differentlevelofseduction.“OfcourseI’mtakingyou.Thegiftisperfect,”hesaid,nippingatmylower
lipinawaythatcausedheattosweepoverme,leavingmeneedy.“You’reperfect.”

Aninsidiousvoicecreptin.IfheonlyknewhowfarfromperfectIreallyme.Ipushedthatthought

away,lettingmyselffallintohiskiss.Thatwasn’thard.Notwhenhedrankfrommeasifhe’dbeen
deprivedoftheactforfartoolong.

Hishandsdroppedtomyhipsandhepulledmetohim.Againstmybelly,Ifelthisarousal.Camwas

a…sexualman,soitcameasnosurprisehewasthathardthatquickly,butitalwaysamazedmehow
badlyhedidwantmebutneverpushedforwhatIknewhe’dbeoh-sodownfor.

Whenhisgriponmyhipstightened,Iloopedmyarmsaroundhisneck.Weseemedtobeonsome

unconsciousagreement,becauseheliftedmeasIwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Imoanedashe
pressedagainstmeandhistonguesweptacrossmine.

Hestartedwalking,andmybloodthunderedinmyveins.Iknewwherehewasheadingandexcitement

andnervousnesswarredinsideme.HelaidmeonthebedandIleanedback,downthecenter.Pausing
longenoughtotughissweateroffoverhishead,hethenplacedhishandsoneithersideofmyhead.The
powerandstrengthinhisarmsandbodywasoverwhelmingbutnotfrightening.

Reachingup,Itracedmyfingerovertheflamessurroundingthesunontheleftsideofhischest.“Ilove

thistattoo,”Iadmitted.“Whydidyougetit?”

Ahalf-grinappeared.“Youreallywanttoknow?”
“Yes.”
“It’sprettylame.”
Ifollowedthesunaroundhispec.“I’llbethejudgeofthat.”
“Igotitafterthefight.”Camshiftedsohiskneeswereagainstmyouterthighsandslidhishandsunder

myshirt.Iliftedup,helpinghimtakeitoff.Ihavenocluewhereitendedup.Hesortofjusttossedit
behindhim.“Iwaskindofmessedupforawhile.Couldn’tgobacktoschool,wasstuckinmyhome,and
I’ddonethattomyself.IwasworriedthattherehadbeensomethingwrongwithmetoloseitlikeIdid.”

Myhandsfelltomysidesasheplacedoneofhisonmybarestomach.Thetipsofhisfingersreached

theunderwireofmybraandthefrontclosure.

“Iwasdepressed,”headmitted.Hishairtumbledforward,fallingoverhisforeheadasheplacedhis

otherhandbesidemyhead.“Iwaspissedoffatmyselfandtheworldandallthatbullshit.”Pausing,he
ranhishanddownmybellyandthenbackup,causingmetowiggle.Thatslightsmilewasback.“IthinkI
drankjustabouteveryliquormydadhadinhisbaroverthecourseofacoupleofweeks.Iknewmy
parentswereworried,but…”

Camtrailedoffasheloweredhishead,kissingthespacebetweenmybreasts.Isuckedinasharp

breathandhediditagain.“Jasecametovisitmeoften.SodidOllie.Iprobablywould’velostmyfucking
mindwithoutthem.MayI?”Helookedup,eyesfilledwithintent,hisfingersontheclaspofmybra.”

Myheartjumped.Thiswasafirstforus.Mouthdry,Inodded.
“Thankyou,”hesaid,andIthoughtthatwasastrangethingtobethankfulfor.Hisgazeloweredagain,

andmybreathcaught.Heunhookedthedelicateclasp,butdidn’tpartthecups.“ItwassomethingJasehad
saidtomewhileIwasdrunkoffmyass.Don’tknowwhy,butitstuckwithme.”

Idrewinaraggedbreathashetrailedafingerdownthecenterofmychest.“Whatdid…whatdidhe

say?”

Camglancedupthroughthicklashes.“Hesaidsomethinglikethingscan’tbethatbadifthesunisout

andshining.LikeIsaid,thatstuckwithme.Maybebecauseit’sthetruth.Aslongasthesun’sshining,shit
can’tbethatbad.Sothat’swhyIgotatattooofthesun.Sortofareminder.”

“That’snotlame,”Isaid.
“Hmm…”Hepluckeduptheedgeofmybraandgentlypushedittothesideandthenrepeatedthesame

motionontheothercup.Coolairteasedthetipsofmyalreadyhardbreasts.Iwascompletelybarefor
himfromthewaistup.“God,you’rebeautiful,Avery.”

IthinkIsaidthankyou,butIwasn’tsureifthewordswerecoherentornot.Heranhishandsovermy

breastsandmybackarchedoffthebedatthecontactofhisfleshagainstmine.Hesaidsomethingtoolow
formetounderstandashesmoothedhisthumbovermynipple.Besidemyhead,hisarmflexed.

Camlookedup,meetingmygazeasheloweredhishandtothebuttononmyjeans.Therewasa

questioninhiseyes,andInodded,wantingtoknowwhathewasgoingtodomorethanIwasafraid.

Hetuggedmyjeansoff,thenmysocks.Hecommentedontheskullandbonesdesign,butthepounding

inmybodymadeithardtopayattention.Hethenslidthebraoffcompletelyandwhenhehadmejustin
mypanties,hisslowperusalofmybodywaslikesteppingoutintheflamingAugustsunofTexas.

Ourlipstouchedasheeasedhisweightontohisside.Thekisseswereslowanddeepashishand

traveledovermychest.Histouchwasteasingandpracticedashiskissestrailedovermychin,downmy
throat.Itensedinthatsecondbeforehishotmouthclosedonthetipofmybreast.He’ddonethisbefore
throughmybra,butnothingcouldcomparetothefeelingoftherebeingnothingbetweenus.Myblood
turnedtomoltenlavaandmyhipsmovedrestlesslyintinycircles.Ashesuckeddeep,hisotherhand

traveleddown,skimmingmyskinandthenslidingundermypanties.

Mytoescurledashisfingerbrushedthenub.New,strongersensationspulsedthroughoutme.Myhead

fellbackasheslowlyworkedhisheaddown,hisfingersfollowingthelengthofme.

Heraisedhishead,hiseyesboringintomineasheslippedthetipofhisfingerinsideme.Igaspedout,

myfingersdiggingintohisarms.

“Isthisokay?”heasked,voicedeepandsmoothlikeagedwhiskey.
Drawinginabreath,Inoddedagain.“Yes.”
Asmall,intimatesmiletuggedathislipsaspushedalittleharder.Mybodywasaflameashestarteda

pace,hiseyeslockedwithmine.Myentirebodywasshaking.Theknotthatformedwheneverhetouched
mewasmuchdeeperandintense.

“You’resotight,”hemurmured,andthenhiskissconsumedme.
Myhipsweremovingfasterandhetwistedhispalm,pressingdownonthesensitivenumb.Thefeelof

hisbarechestrubbingagainstmine,hishandinmypanties,hisfingerinsideme—allofitwastoomuch.I
clenchedaroundhishand,mythighssqueezing,andbrokethekiss,cryingouthisnameasrelease
thunderedthroughmybody.

Cammadeadeepsoundashenippedatmythroat.“Ilovehowyousaymyname.”
Icouldbarelybreathe,letalonespeakashecontinuedtomoveinsideme,workingouteverylast

spasm.Whenthetremorsfinallysubsided,heeasedhishandawayandIwasflushalloverandheady.I
wantedtogivehimmorethanwhatI’dbeendoing.Nervousandexcited,Ipressedmyhandstohischest
lightlyandherolledontohisback.Takingadeepbreath,IstraddledhimandbeforeIlostmynerve,Islid
downhimandunbuttonedhisjeans,tuggingthemdownhislegs.

CamcaughtonthemomentIwrappedmyfingersaroundhimandmywarmbreathblewacrosshistip.

Hishandsimmediatefistedinmycomforter.

“Ohshit,”hegrowled.
IsmiledatthetorturedsoundofhisvoiceandthenIclosedmymouthoverhim.Hisentirebodyjerked

andhisbackbowed.Ireallydidn’thaveacluewhenitcametodoingthis,butIfigureditdidn’ttake
much.

Anditdidn’t.
CamenclosedonehandaroundmineasItookhimandhisotherhandrestedonthebackofmyneck

withtheslightestpressure,guidingmylessthanskilledmovements.Iwasn’tembarrassedorworried
aboutdoingitwrong.Ifhisbodyanddeepgroanswereanyindication,Iwasdoingenoughrightforhimto
beenjoyingthis.

Hepulledmeawaybeforehisreleaseshudderedthroughhim,sittinguphalfwayandcapturingmy

mouthashecame.Ilovedthewayhisbodyshook,butmostofall,IlovedthatIfeltsafeandsecure
enoughtodothis.TiredIbrokeaway,easingontomybackashedidthesame,hischestrisingandfalling
sharply.“ThiswasthebestfuckingValentine’sDayever.”

Adeep,throatylaughescapedme.“Ihavetoagree.”
Hishandfoundminebetweenourbodiesandsqueezed.“Youhungry?”
“No.”Ismotheredayawn.“Areyou?”
“Notyet,”hereplied.
Ihadnoideawhattimeitwas,butIfeltbonelessanditwouldtakeanactofGodtogetmeoutofthis

bed.Orchocolate.OnethingIdidknowwasthatIdidn’twanthimtoleave.Iworkedupthenervetoask
forwhatIwanted.“Staywithme?Thenight?”

Cam’shandtrailedovermybareshoulder.“Youdon’thavetoasktwice.”Hekissedtheedgeofthe

shoulder.“Berightback.”

Irolledontomysideasheleft,pullingthecoversupoverme.Iheardwaterrunninginthebathroom

andthenhewasback,slidinginbehindme.Withhisarmsaroundmywaistandthelengthofhisbody
pressedagainstmine,Ismiledsleepilyandthoughtaboutthesun.

Everythingwasperfect.

Chapter29

ThesunwasshiningallofFebruaryandthroughMarch.Ispenthalfofspringbreakhangingoutwith

CamandOllieathomeandthenthelaterpartbackathisparents’houseandweevengottohangoutwith
Britwhileshewashome.

IfounditstrangethatBritdidn’tseemtoknowwhathappenedbetweenCamandhissister’sex-

boyfriend,butIdidn’tbringitup.WhatCamhadtoldmehadbeenpersonalandnomattermycuriosity
overwhetherornotsheknew,Iwasn’tgoingtoviolatethattrustbetweenus.

Especiallywhenthere’dbeensomanyopportunitiesformetoopenuptohim.Itwassomethingthat,

nomatterhowmanytimesItoldmyselfIwoulddoit,Icouldn’tgetthewordspastmytongue.Theideaof
confidinginCamterrifiedme.Itwouldn’tbeeasyandIreallydidn’tevenknowwheretobegin.

InsteadIwentoutofmywaytomakesuremyphonewasneverunsupervisedaroundCam.Iwasstill

receivingthetextsandphonecalls,atleasttwotimesaweek,andIshiedawayfrommyemail.Several
timesoverthelasttwomonths,Ialmostrespondedtothetext.OrIalmostpulledupmyemailand
respondedtooneofthemessages.

JustlikewithCam,Iratherpretenditwasn’thappeningthandealwithit.Ihatedthatpartofme,

loatheditreally,becauseIwasstillrunninginsteadoffacinganything.

Aswinterlooseneditsholdonthetinyspeckofthestateandthegroundbegantothaw,Camwas

decidingonifheshouldpayavisithomeoverthemid-Aprilweekendorhangouthereandbelazywhile
JacobspentlunchtryingtoconvinceBrittoaccompanyhimtosomekindofvolunteergardenplanting
adventure.

Britswirledherfryinaglobofmayo.Olliewatchedher,handsomefacetwistedinawed-disgust.She

wascompletelyoblivious.“I’mnotgoingtospendmylastfourdayweekendofthesemesterplanting
daisies.”

“It’snotdaises.”Jacobsighed.“It’sabotanicalgardenofwonderandlove.”
Camwassittingatthetable,facingme.Hedroppedhisheadonmyshoulder,hidinghissnicker.Iwent

withtheoldhandoverthemouthmethod.

“Thatjustsoundsstupid.”Britpoppedthemayo-coveredfryinhermouth,andOlliegroaned.“I’m

goingtospendthefourdaysbeingaveg.”

“Wouldyouratherspendyourtimebeingacucumberormakingyoursoulfeelhappy?”
Cam’sshouldersstartedtoshake.
“IthinkIwillgowithbeingapieceofbroccoli,”Britreplied.
AcrossfromusOlliefinallydraggedhisgazeawayfromBrit’splaceandlookedatJacob.“Areyou

serious?”

“Yes!”Hesmackedhishandsdown.“Whynotpainttheworldinbeautifulflowersofalldifferent

colors?”

Istaredathim.“Areyouhigh?”
Jacoblookedaffronted…formaybetwoseconds.“Maybealittle.”
Laughing,IglancedatBrit.“Youshouldhelphimbuildhishappygarden.”
Shesnorted.“Youcanhelphim.”
“Oh,no.”Camliftedhisheadashescootedtowardme,slippinghishandovermyleg,justabovemy

knee.“She’sallminethisweekend.Nogardenoflove.”

“Unlessshe’splantinginyourgardenoflove?”Jacobqueried.
Irolledmyeyes.“Cute.”
“Soundinglikeshewasdoingsomeplantinglastnight.”Olliemovedthetinypapercupofmayofurther

awayfromBrit.“Atleastfromthenoisescomingfromyourbedroom.”

Mymouthdroppedopen.“Whatever!”
“Didyouhaveyourearplasteredtomybedroomdoor?”Camhandinchedup,andmycheekswere

suddenlyburningforawholedifferentreason.

Ollieshrugged.“WhatelseamIsupposedtodo?”
“Freak,”Camtossedback.
Thethreeofthemlaunchedintoadiscussionaboutvegetables,leavingCamandIontheoutsideofthe

bizarroconversation,whichwasokaywithme.Iwasn’tafanofvegetables.

“Ihaveanothergreatidea.”Camproppedhischinonmyshoulder,voicelow.
Iturnedmyheadjusttheslightesttowardhim.“Ohdear…”
“You’regoingtoloveit.”
WarmthbubbledupmychestandIwantedtosayIloveyou,butsittingintheDen,whileourfriends

werediscussingtheprosandconsofasparagusdidn’tseemlikethebestmomenttoblurtthatout.SoI
settledwitha,“What’syouridea?”

“Taketherestofthedayoffandchillwithme.”
Thatsoundedlikeanexcellentidea.“Ihaveclass.”
“Youhaveart.Thatdoesn’treallycountasaclass.”
“Howso?”
Heliftedhishead,pressinghislipstothespacebesidemyear.“Youtoldmeyoualmostfellasleepon

Monday.”

“Almost,”Ireiterated.
Camnowkissedthespotundermyear,andIshivered.“Trustme.WhatIwanttodoissomuchbetter

thanart.”

Mymindwentstraighttoonething.Sex.Likerealsexwithrealpenetration.
OhmyGod,Icouldn’tbelieveIjustthoughtthat.WasthereafakepenetrationIwasunawareof?

Actually,sortof.We’ddoneeverythingexceptsex.We’vetouched,groped,he’dgonedownonmeandI
onhim,butsex?Therehadbeennoneoftheactualact,butthelasttime,whatOlliewasclaiminghe
heard,ithadseemedlikewewereheadingthere.Therehadbeenacertainintent

I’dpanickedandbasicallywentdownonCam.Notthathewascomplaining,butIcouldn’tkeepdoing

that.Wehadtotakeourrelationshiptothenextlevel.Besides,Iwasprobablytheonlytwenty-year-old
virginoncampusandhowlongwouldCamwaitformetobeready?We’dbeentogetherforfourmonths
andguytimewaslikedogyearssothatwaslikefouryears.

Anticipationtingledthroughoutme,butundertheexcitement,uneaseformedlikeaballoficeinmy

chest.

Camcircledhisarmsaroundmywaist,pullingmeoutofmychairandintohislap.Thepeopleatour

tablebasicallyignoredus,buttheonesatthetablesaroundus,werestartingtostare.

Hewastotallyunfazedbytheattentionashetippedhisheadback,grinningwidely.“Sowhatdoyou

say?”

“Youtwoaresosicklysweetit’sactuallycute,”Jacobsaid,interruptingus.Welookedathim.“Ifyou

don’tskipartandrunoffwithhim,I’mgoingtokickyourass.”

“Wellthen,howcanIsayno?”
Ijusthopedthatwhenitcamedowntoit,Icouldsayyes.

#

Camreallywasextraordinary.
AndIdon’tknowhowhemanagedtocontinuouslysurprisemewithhisthoughtfulnessorhowitwas

evenpossibleforhimtobesowonderful.Orwhyittookmesolongtopullmyheadoutofmyassandto
seethat.

Whenwe’dleftthecampus,hemetmeaboutmycarandusheredmeovertohistruck.“Whatarewe

doing?”

“You’llsee.”
Thesecretivehalfsmilehadmeonedge.Itwasn’tuntilwehitI70andIsawthesigndidIknowwhere

weweregoing.Itwistedtowardhimandinmyexcitement,Ialmostchokedmyselfwiththeseatbelt.

Camlaughed.
“We’regoingtoD.C.?Aren’twe?”Iexclaimed,practicallybouncinginmyseat.
Heslidmeaslysidelook.“Maybe.”
“Andwe’regoingtotheSmithsonian,right?”
“Quitepossibly.”
Iflippedforward,claspingmyhandstogether.“Why?”Iblurtedout.“Imean,Iknowhistorybores

you,sowhy?”

“Why?”Helaughedagainashemessedwithhisbaseballcap.“ItoldyouthatI’dgotothe

SmithsonianwithyouandIdidn’tgettodoitwithyouonyourbirthday,soIthoughtwhynottoday?”

Whynottoday?ThatwasoneofthethingsIlovedmostaboutCam.Hisabilitytodothingsonthespur

ofthemoment,nothoughtorplanbehindthem.Heliterallylivedbythemomentandnothingheldhim
back,noteventhetroublehe’dgotteninto,becausehehadmovedpastthat.

MainlybecauseIknewhe’dacceptedwhathe’ddoneandtheconsequencesofhisactions.Itmayhave

takenhimafewweeksafterithappened,buthe’dcometotermswithit.

Iadmiredthatinhim.
Wespenttherestoftheafternoonandmostoftheeveninggoingfromexhibittoexhibit.Camseemed

moreinterestedintouchingmeandstealingkissesthanwhatwewerelookingatandIwasokaywiththat.
IthoughtofthecouplesI’dwatchedlasttimeandrealizedIhadbecomeoneofthem.Itwassonormal,so
perfect.TherewasnothingdifferentbetweenusandthemandIreveledinthat.

ItwaslatewhenwegothomeandsincetherewerenoclassesonThursday,wehadthewholenight.

Buzzingfromoutimpromptutrip,Idroppedsomeofthestinkytortoisebitesontoalittlebowlandslipped
itintoMichelangelo’shome.

AsIclosedthelidontheterrarium,Camcameupbehindme,placinghishandsonmyhips.Heturned

mearound,andIstretchedup,placingakissonhislips.

“Thankyoufortoday,”Isaid,loopingmyarmsaroundhisneck.“Ihadalotoffun.”
“Itoldyouthatmyideawasgreat.”
“Theyusuallyare.”
“Holyshit.”Hiseyeswidenedinexaggeratedsurprise.“Didyoujustadmitthat?”
Igrinned.“MaybeIdid.”
“Uh-huh,you’vealwaysknownmyideashitaten.”
“Onascaleof1to100,yes.”
“Ha.Ha.”Hisslidhishandsupuntiltheyrestedonmyribcage.“Guesswhat.Gotanotheridea.”
“Doesitinvolveeggs?”
AdeeplaughburstfromCamandthenhetuggedmyhipsagainsthis.“Itdoesn’tinvolveeggs.”
Ihadagoodideaofwhatitinvolved.Mystomachdipped.“Itdoesn’t?”
Heshookhishead.“Butitdoesinvolvesomethingequallytasty.”
MycheeksheatedasIturnedmyheadtotheside.
Hislipsfollowedthemovement,tracingmycheekbone.“Anditinvolvesyou,me,abed,andvery

little,ifany,clothing.”

Tinglesshotdownmyspine.“Doesitnow?”
“Yes.”Camslidhishanddown,underthebandofmyjeanssothathisfingersrestedovertheswellof

myrear.Hebrushedhislipsovermybrow.“Whatdoyouthink?”

Iwasn’tthinking.Tippingmyheadback,Camobligedmysilentinvitation.Hislipsweremineandthen

hishandswereundermyshirt.Hebrokeawaylongenoughtotugmyshirtoffandthenhis.Lipsmelded
together,westartedwalking,ourhipsbumpingintothecouchandhelosthisbalance.Hefellbackward,
halfonthecouchandhalfoff.Gigglesbrokefreebetweenourkissesandourlaughterdiedoffasour
handsgotmoreinvolved.Withaskillbeyondme,CammanagedtogetmyjeansoffwhileIsprawledon
topofhimandthenhedisplayedawholedifferentkindoftalent.

Hishandstravelednorthward,crestingovermybreasts,findingthenipplescoveredbysatin.Iarched

againsthishands,bitingbackamoanasCammadethatsexysoundashishipspushedupagainstmine.A
rushofheatfloodedmycoreasonehandleftmybreastandslippeddownthecurveofmystomach.His
handslidundermypanties.Hepalmedme,rubbinghisthumbinjusttherightplacethatIcriedout.The
desire—theneedtolosemyselfinnothingbutsensation,evenforjustafewmoments,tookover.Myskin
wasonfireasIputmyweightonmykneesandreacheddown,unzippinghisfly.

“Avery,”Camgroaned,thrustingintomypalm.
Uponhearingmynameonhislips,tensionbuiltdeepinsideme.Ourbodiesrockedtogether,butstill

apart.Thenthetensionwasspiraling,breakingapartandshattering.Ithrewmyheadback,bitingdownon
mylip.Blisswashedoverme.

CamshiftedundermeandthenextthingIknow,hewasstandingandIwaswrappedaroundhimlikea

littlemonkey.MybodywasstilltremblingwhenIhitthebed.Inaheateddaze,Iwatchedhimstrip.
Completely.

MyGod,hewasbeautiful.
HehookedhisfingersundermypantiesandIliftedmyhipssohecouldpullthemdown.Itwasn’tthe

firsttimethathe’dstrippedmebare,butitwasthefirsttimethatwebothweresonaked.Therewere
differentstagesofnakednessI’velearnedoverthepastfourmonths.Thiswasthefinalstage.Mystomach
fluttered.

Camhoveredoverme,hislipstrailingapathacrossmybody.Myfingerswereinhissofthairashe

camebackup,claimingmymouth.HeshiftedabovemeandIfelthimonmythigh.

Myheartstutteredandthenspedup.
Atremorcoursedoverhisbodyormaybeitwasminecausinghistodothat,becauseIthinkIwas

shaking.Ididn’tknowifitwasfromexcitementorsomethingelse.Myhandsfoundhischestandthey
flattenedthere.

“Doyouwantthis?”heasked,hisvoicestrainedasheheldhimselfback.“Yes,”Isaid,andItold

myselfthatIdid.AndIdidwantthis.IwantedtocrossthatfinallinewithCam.

Hiseyesmetmineforamomentandthenhebenthishead,kissingmeasheloweredhisbodyupon

mine.Ifelthimthere,thetipofhimslippingthroughmywetness,andIdon’tknowwhathappened.Maybe
itwastheweightofhimontopofmeorthefeelofhimbetweenmythighs.Forafrighteningsecond,I
wasn’tinmybedroomorunderCam.Iwasbackonthecouch,mycheekpressedroughlyintothecoarse
fabric.Coldairrushedovermyexposedlowerbody,followedbyarough,demandinghand.Itriedto
pushthememoryoutofmyheadandfocusonwhatwasreallyhappening,butonceitcreptin,Icouldn’t
getitoutofmyhead.

Everymuscleinmybodylockedupandtheknotofuneasefromearlierinthedayreturnedwitha

vengeance.Itwaslikebeinghitwithanarcticblast.Iwentcoldontheoutsideandinside.Panicdugin

withrazorsharpclaws.

Itwistedmyheadtotheside,breakingthekissasIpushedagainsthischest.“No.Stop.Pleasestop.”
Camfrozeaboveme,hischestrisingandfallingdeeply.“Avery?Whatthe—?”
“Getoff.”Myskinwascrawlingaspressureclampeddownonmychest.“Getoff.Please.Getoff

me.”

Herolledoffmeinaninstant,andIscrambledacrossthebed,grabbingthecomforterandtuggingitup

overme.Ishottomyfeet,backingupuntilIhitthedresser.Bottlesoflotionrattled.Thesoftthudofthem
hittingthefloorsnappedmeoutofit.MyheartwasracingsofastIthoughtI’dbesick.

“OhGod,”Iwhisperedhoarsely.TherewasagoodchanceIwasgoingtohurlthebakedpretzelwe’d

sharedearlier.

LightfromthehallwaycaststrangeshadowsoverhalfofCam’spaleface.Hiseyeswereasbigasthe

moon.Hestaredatme,browspinchedwithconcern.“DidIhurtyou?Ididn’t—”

“No.No!”Isqueezedmyeyesshut.“Youdidn’thurtme.Youdidn’teven…Idon’tknow.I’msorry…”

Itrailedoff,havingnoideawhattosay.

Camtookseveraldeepbreaths,plantinghishandsonthebed.“Talktome,Avery.Whatjust

happened?”

“Nothing.”Myvoicecracked.“Nothinghappened.Ijustthought—”
“Youthoughtwhat?”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow.It’snotabigdeal—”
“Notabigdeal?”Hisbrowsflewup.“Avery,youjustscaredtheshitoutofme.Youstartedpanicking

likeIwashurtingyouor—orlikeIwasforcingyoutodothis.”

Horrified,Ifeltmystomachdrop.“Youweren’tforcingme,Cam.Ilikedwhatyouweredoing.”
Severalsecondspassedandthenhesaid,“YouknowIwouldneverhurtyou,right?”
“Yes.”Tearscloggedmythroat.
“AndIwouldneverforceyoutodoanythingyoudidn’twanttodo.”Hespokeslowly,eachword

precise.“Youunderstandthat,right?Ifyou’renotready,I’mokaywiththat,butyouhavetotalktome.
Youhavetoletmeknowbeforeitgetstothatpoint.”

Clenchingtheblanket,Inodded.
Therewasanothergapofsilenceandhisstarepiercedmine.Acertainlevelofcomprehensionflashed

acrosshisfeatures,andIbitdownonmylip.Iwantedtoknowwhathewasthinkingandthenagain,I
didn’t.

“Whatareyounottellingme?”heasked,likehe’ddonethenightoutintheparkinglot.
Icouldn’tsayanything.
Hisjawclenched.“Whathappenedtoyou?”
“Nothing!”Thewordburstfrommelikeacannon.“There’snothingtotalkabout,dammit.Justfucking

dropit.”

“You’relying.”
There.Hesaidit.Hecalledmeonit.
Camtookadeep,longbreath.“You’relyingtome.Somethinghappened,becausethat?”Hegesturedat

wherewe’dbeentwinedtogethermomentsbefore.“Thatwasn’taboutnotbeingready.Thatwasabout
somethingelse,becauseyouknow—youknow—Iwouldwaitforyou,Avery.Iswear,butyouhavetotell
mewhat’sgoingoninyourhead.”

Mychestachedathiswords,butIcouldn’tsayanything.
“I’mbeggingyou,Avery.You’vegottobeupfrontandhonestwithme.Yousaidthatyoutrustedme.

You’vegottoproveit,becauseIknowthereismoretothis.I’mnotstupidandI’mnotblind.Iremember

howyouactedwhenwefirstmetandIsureashellrememberwhatyousaidthatnightyouweredrunk.”

OhGod.Thefloorshiftedundermyfeet.
Hewasonaroll.“Andthattextmessageyougot?Areyoutellingmethathasnothingtodowiththis?

Ifyoutrustme,youwillfinallytellmewhatthehellisgoingon.”

“Idotrustyou.”Thetearsreachedmyeyes,blurringhim.
Camwatchedmeforasecondandthenstood,grabbinghisjeansoffthefloor.Hetuggedthemon,

zippingthemupbutnotbuttoningthem.Hefacedme,expressiontense.“Idon’tknowwhatelsetodowith
you,Avery.I’vetoldyoushitthatI’mnotproudof.Stuffthathardlyanyoneinthisworldknowsandyet
youkeepshitfromme.Youkeepeverythingfromme.Youdon’ttrustme.”

“No—Ido.”IstartedforwardbutstoppedwhenIsawthelookonhisface.“Itrustyouwithmylife.”
“Butnotwiththetruth?That’ssuchbullshit,Avery.Youdon’ttrustme.”Hestalkedpastme,heading

outtothelivingroom.

Ifollowedhim,myhandsshaking.“Cam—”
“Stopit.”Hegrabbedhissweateroffthefloorandfacedme.“Idon’tknowwhatelsetodoandIknow

Idon’tknoweverythingintheworld,butIdoknowthatrelationshipsdon’tworkthisway.”

Fearpunchedmeinthechest.“Whatareyousaying?”
“WhatdoyouthinkI’msaying,Avery?Therearesomeobviousissueswithyouandno,don’tfucking

lookatmelikeIkickedyourpuppy.DoyouthinkI’dbreakupwithyoubecauseofwhateverthehellwent
onwithyou?JustlikeyouthoughtI’dthinkdifferentlyofyouwhenIsawthescaronyourwrist?Iknow
youthinkthatandthat’sbullshit.”Sorrowandrawangerfloodedhisvoice.“Howcantherebeanyfuture
forusifyoucan’tbehonestwithme?Ifyoucan’treallytrustthathowIfeelaboutyouisstrongenough,
thenwehavenothing.Thisistheshitthatendsrelationships.Notthepast,Avery,butthepresent.”

Mybreathcaught.“Cam,please—”
“Nomore,Avery.Itoldyoubefore.AllIaskedfromyouwastotrustmeandnotshutmeout.”He

turnedtothedoor.“Andyoudon’ttrustmeandyoushutmeoutagain.”

Andthenhewasgone,thedoorslammingshutbehindhim.Imadeittothecouchbeforemylegsgave

out.Sittingdown,Ipressedmykneestomychest.Therewasacrackinginmychest,myheart,andthe
painwassoveryreal.

Mymouthopened,butIdidn’tmakeasound.
Inevermadeasound.

Chapter30

IstayedinbedandsleptmostofThursdayandFriday.Athickandsuffocatingfeelinglaidovermelike

atoo-heavyblanket.I’dscrewedup.Royally.Thatwastheself-pityingmantrathatIrepeatedoverand
over.ItwasthetruthanditwasallIcouldthinkabout.

NothowIplannedonkickingoffmyspringrecess.
Buryingmyheadintothepillow,Istayedawayfrommyphone,becauseifIcheckeditandCamhadn’t

calledthenI’dfeelworse.PointlessthingwasIknewhewouldn’tcall.

AndtherewasnodoubtinmymindthatIwasinlovewithhim.Therewasadifferencebetween

lovingsomeoneandbeinginloveandIhadletitslipthroughmyfingers.

Camhadenough.
He’dtrustedme,andinaway,I’dthrownthattrustbackinhisface.Ifhe’dknowneverything,things

could’vegonedowndifferentlybetweenusWednesdaynight.ButIhadremainedsilent,likeIhadall
theseyears.

AtsomepointduringSaturday,thedeepcuttingsorrowgavewaytosomethingelse.Ithrewoffthe

blanketandstoodinthemiddleoftheroom,breathinginraggedly.Spinningaround,Ipickedupabottle
oflotionandthrewitacrosstheroom.Thebottlehittheclosetdoorandthenthuddedoffthefloor.

Notsatisfied,Igrabbedanotherbottleandthrewitharder.Thatonehitthewall,crackingtheplaster.

Therewentmysecuritydeposit.

Ididn’tcare.
Angerrosearoundmelikeahotsteam.Iwhirled,pullingthecomforterandsheetsoffthebed.
ThenIattackedmycloset.
Ihatedtheboringsweaters,theturtlenecks,thecardigans,andtheill-fittingshirts.Ihatedeverything,

butmostofall,Ihatedmyselffordoingthis.Cryingout,Iyankedthemdown.Hangersrockedandfellto
thefloor.TearsblurredmyeyesasIturned,seekingsomethingelsetodestroy,buttherereallywasn’t
anything.Nopicturestothrow.Nopaintingstoripfromthewalls.Therewasnothing.Iwassopissed—
pissedatmyself.

Movingtothehallway,Ileanedagainstthewall,squeezingmyeyesshut.Breathingheavily,Ikicked

myheadbackandbitbackascream.

Thesilencewaskillingme.
Andthat’sallthereeverwas.Silence.ItwasallIknew.Keepquiet.Pretendnothinghadhappened,

thatnothingwaswrong.Andlookhowwellthatwasturningout.

Isliddownthewallandopenedmyeyes.TheywereasdryasIfeltontheinside,brittle.
WhodidIhavetoblameforthat?Blaine?Hisparents?Mine?Diditmatter?NeveroncedidIstandup

tomyparentsandtellthemwhatIthought.Ijustshutupandtookit—tookituntilIcouldrunaway.

Problemwas,runningawaywasn’tworkinganymore.Itneverworkedinthefirstplaceandhowlong

didittakemetofigurethatout?Fiveyears,almostsix?Andhowmanymiles?Thousands?

Andthen,likefuckingclockwork,Iheardmyphoneringfromthelivingroom.
Shovingtomyfeet,Istalkedoutthere,thebackofmyskulltinglingasIsawUNKNOWNCALLER

flashacrossthescreen.Igrabbedthephoneandpressedtheanswerbutton.

“What?”Isaid,myvoiceshaking.
Nothing.Morefuckingsilence.
“Whatthefuckdoyouwantfromme?”Idemanded.“What?Youhavenothingtosay?You’veonly

beencallingandtextingforninemonths?I’dthinkyou’dhaveashittontosay.”

Therewasanotherpregnantpauseandthen,“Ican’tbelieveyouanswered.”

Myeyeswidened.Holyshit,thevoicebelongedtoagirl.Thepersonwhowascallingmeandmost

likelyemailingmewasagirl.

Agirl.
WhoknowswhatIexpected,butIsureashelldidn’texpectagirl.
Icouldonlysayoneword.“Why?”
“Why?”Thegirlcoughedoutadrylaugh.“Youhavenoideawhoyou’retalkingto,doyou?Youdidn’t

evenreadasingleemailIsentyou?Notone?”

Shewasquestioningme?“Well,whenIsawthecontentinacoupleofthem,Idecidedtonottorture

myself.”

“I’vebeenemailingyousinceJune,tryingtotalktoyou.Therewasnothingwrongwiththefirstcouple

ofemailsIsentyou.Ifyoujustreadoneofthem,youwould’veseenthat.Thenagain,whyshouldIeven
believethatyoudidn’treadthemsinceyouhavesuchaninfamousbackgroundoftellingthetruth.”

Ploppingdown,Ifrowned.“Whoareyou?”
“God,thisisfuckingunbelievable.MynameisMollySimmons.”
Myeyeswidened.“Molly?”
“Yousoundlikeyourecognizemyname.Iguessyoudidreadtheemails.”
“No—mycousintoldmeaboutyou.”Iwasonmyfeetagain,pacing.“Ididn’treadyouremails.I’m

notlyingaboutthat.”

“Well,thatwouldbethefirsttimeyoutoldthetruthifthat’sthecase,”shesaid,andIheardadoor

slam.

Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Shell-shocked—Iwasabsolutelydumbfounded.“Idon’tknow…God,I’m

sosorryforwhatyou—”

“Don’tyoudareapologize,”shecutin,hervoicerazorsharp.“I’msorrymeansabsolutelyfucking

nothingtome.”

MymouthhungopenasIshookmyhead,whichwasstupid,becauseitwasn’tlikeshecouldseeanyof

that.

“You’reafuckinglyingwhore.Becauseofyou—”
“Hey!Seriously.You’recallingmeawhore?Youhavetoseehowmessedupthatis.”Myhand

tightenedaroundthephone.“Honestly,everysingledisgustingmessageyouhavesentmeismessedup.
AndIdon’tevenunderstandwhyyou’ddothis.”

“Why?”Hervoiceturnedshrill.“Areyoufuckingserious?”
“Yes!”
Therewasanaudiblebreath.“Tellmeonthing.Whatwastrue?Whatyoutoldthepoliceorwhat

Blainetoldeveryone?”

Isuckedinabreath.
“Whichisit,Avery?Becauseifitwastrue,whydidyoudropthechargesknowingwhathewas

capableof?Becauseyouhadtoknowthattherewassomethingwrongwithhimandthathe’ddoitagain.”

MyshoulderscavedinandIwhispered,“Youdon’tunderstand.”
“Oh,Iunderstandcompletely.Eitherway,you’realiar.”Molly’sbreathcrackledoverthephone.“Do

youknowwhyIwantedtogetincontactwithyou?BecauseIneededtotalktosomeonewho’dbeen
throughwhatIhadbeenthroughandIthought—”Hervoicecracked.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatIthoughtor
whyIdid.Youdidn’teventakethetimetoreadasingle,fuckingemail.Theleastyoucoulddoistotell
methetruth.”

Iclosedmyeyes,restingmyforeheadonmypalm.Myheadwasstillspinningfromwhathappened

withCamandthisblewmymind.TherehadbeensomanyemailsfromaccountsIdidn’trecognize.Many

withmynameasthesubjectorBlaine’s.AndIhadn’topenedthembecauseIhadn’twantedtodealwith
it,butIneverthoughtitwasher.

Thenagain,wouldthatreallyhavechangedanything?WouldIhaveopenedthemandreachedoutto

her?Legalaspectsofthenon-disclosureaside,wouldI?

I’dbelyingifIsaidIthoughtIwould.
“Areyouthere?”Mollydemanded.
“Yes.”Iclearedmythroat,liftingmyhead.Theballinmychestunraveledalittle.“Ididn’tlie.”
“Soitwastrue?”Hervoicesoundedclosertothephone.“Andyoudroppedthecharges.”
Mybodytensedlikeacoiledrope.“Yes,butyou—”
“Whywouldyoudothat?”Hervoicewasraw.“Howcouldyou?Howcouldstaysilentthislong?”
“I—”
“You’reacoward.Youclingtoyoursilencebecauseyou’reacoward!You’restillthesamescared,

fourteenyearoldgirlpretendingtobeoverityearslater!”sheshouted,andmyearpopped.“This
happenedtomebecauseyoudidn’ttellthetruth.Youcantellyourselfwhateveryouwant,butthat’sthe
truth.Andwebothknowit.”

Mollyhungonme.
Isatthere,staringatmyphone.Angerstillboiledinsideme,butsomeofwhatshehadsaidhadsunken

throughtheredhazeanditmadesense.

“Youclingtoyoursilencebecauseyou’reacoward!You’restillthesamescared,fourteenyearold

girlpretendingtobeoverityearslater!”

Shewasright.
God,shewassoright.AlltheseyearsandIhadneverutteredthewordssincethatnight.Iwastoo

scaredtotellanyone,toeventellCam.Andthatwaswhyhe’dwalkedoutofhere,becausehehadalso
beenright.Ihadn’tletgoofthepastandtherewasnofutureunlessIdidso.AllI’dbeendoingthisentire
timewaspretending—pretendingtobeokay,tobecompletelyhappy,tobeasurvivor.

AndIwasn’tasurvivor.Fortoomanyyears,I’dbeennothingmorethanavictimontheroad.
Mollydidn’tknowthewholestory.Probablywouldn’tchangeanythingifshedid,butsurvivingand

beingasurvivorweretwodifferentthings.That’swhatI’dbeendoingthiswholetime.Justsurviving,
waitingforthedaywhenwhatBlainehaddonetomewouldnottarnisheverythingthatwasgoodinmy
life.

Idroppedmyheadintomyhands.Tearswelledupinmyeyes.
Instead,therewerethingsIcould’vedonedifferently.Icouldn’tchangewhathadhappenedtome,butI

could’vechangedthewayIreacted,especiallynowwhenIwassofarawayfromthosewhohadhindered
anyattemptstoovercomeit.Buttobehonest,itwasmorethanthat.IthadalwaysbeenmorethanBlaine.
Ithadbeenmyparents—ithadbeenme.

TheonlywayIcouldtrulymoveonwastoconfrontwhathadhappened,todosomethingIhadbeen

punishedfordoinginthefirstplace.

Itwasn’tthepastthatwascomingbetweenus.
Itwasthepresent.
Camhadbeenright.
Suddenly,Ishottomyfeet.IwasmovingbeforeIknewwhatIwasdoing.ItwaswhenIstoodinfront

ofCam’sapartmentdoorthatmyheartleaptinmythroat.Itwasprobablytoolateforus,butifItoldhim
—ifIcouldexplainmyself—thenthatwasastart.Eitherway,IowedittoCam.

Iowedittomyself.
Iknockedandheardfootstepsafewsecondslater.Thedoorswungopen,revealingCam.Hiseyes

immediatelyclosedandhismouthopened,andIknewhewasgoingtotellmetoleave.

“Canwetalk?”Iasked,voicecrackinghalfwaythrough.“Please,Cam.Iwon’ttakeupmuchofyour

time.Ijust—”

Cam’seyesflewopenandthennarrowedonme.“Areyouokay,Avery?”
“Yes.No.Idon’tknow.”Partofmewantedtoturnandgobacktomyapartment,butIrefusedtoallow

myselftorun.Notanymore.“Ijustneedtotalktoyou.”

Takingadeepbreath,hesteppedaside.“Ollie’snothere.”
Relievedthathehadn’tshutthedoorinmyface,Ifollowedhimintothelivingroom.Campickedup

theremote,mutingtheTVashesatonthecouch.“What’sgoingon,Avery?”heasked,andhistone
suggestedthathedidn’texpectmetoanswertruthfully,andthathurt.

Ithurtbecausehehadnoreasontoexpectmetobeupfrontaboutanything.
Isatontheedgeoftherecliner,unsureofwheretostart.“Everything.”AndthatwasallIcouldsayat

first.“Everything.”

Camscootedforward,twistingthecapheworebackward.Anadorablehabitthatsaidhewaspaying

attention.“Avery,what’sgoingon?”

“Ihaven’tbeenhonestwithyouandI’msorry.”MylowerlipstartedtotrembleandIknewIwas

secondsfromlosingit.“I’msosorry,andyouprobablydon’thavetimefor—”

“Ihavetimeforyou,Avery.”Hemetmygazewithasteadyone.“Youwanttotalktome,I’mhere.I’ve

beenhere.AndI’mlistening.”

Asheheldmygaze,fightorflightkicked.Instinct.Run.Don’tdealwithit.ButCamkeptholdingmy

gazeandsomethingunlockedinsideme.Itwasn’teasy,butthewordsweretumblingup.Iwouldn’trun.

CalmnesssettledovermeandwhenItookabreath,itcameoutslowly.“WhenIwasfourteen,Iwent

tothispartyonHalloween,”Iheardmyselfsaying,soundingasifIwereinatunnel.“Iwastherewithmy
friends.Wewerealldressedupandtherewasthisguythere.Itwashishouseand…andhewasthree
yearsolderthanmeandfriendswithmycousin.”

Itookanotherdeepbreath,mygazedroppingtomyhands.“Hewasreallypopular.SowasI.”Adry,

humorlesslaughcameout.“Thatmightnotseemimportant,butitwas.Ineverthoughtsomeonelikehim
coulddo—couldbelikehewas.Andmaybethatwasstupidofme,likeafatalflaworsomething.Idon’t
know.”IgavealittleshakeofmyheadasIlookedup.“IwastalkingtohimandIwasdrinking,butI
wasn’tdrunk.Isweartoyou,Iwasn’tdrunk.”

“Ibelieveyou,Avery.”Camclosedhiseyesbrieflyashesteepledhisfingersunderhischin.“What

happened?”

“Wewereflirtinganditwasfun.Youknow,Ididn’tthinkanythingofit.Hewasagoodguyandhewas

agood-lookingguy.Atonepoint,hepulledmeintohislapandsomeonetookourpicture.Wewerehaving
fun.”Ilaughedagain,anotherharshsound.“Whenhegotupandpulledmeintooneoftheemptyguest
roomsthatwasonthegroundfloor,Ididn’tthinkanythingofit.Wesatonthecouchandtalkedforalittle
while.Thenheputhisarmsaroundme.”Irubbedmyhandstogethercontinuously,hopingtoeasetheknots
forminginmystomach.“AtfirstIdidn’tmind,buthestarteddoingthingsIdidn’twanthimto.Itoldhim
tostopandhelaugheditoff.IstartedcryingandItriedtogetawayfromhim,buthewasstrongerthanme,
andoncehegotmeonmystomach,Icouldn’tdoanythingreally,buttotellhimtostop.”

Camhadgoneverystill.TheonlywayIcouldtellhewasbreathingwasbecauseofthesteady

thrummingofthemusclealonghisjaw.“Didhestop?”

“Hedidn’t,”Isaidquietly.“HeneverstoppednomatterwhatIdid.”
AmomentpassedandCamstraightened.Helookedlikehewantedtostandbutchangedhismind.“He

rapedyou?”

Closingmyeyes,Inodded.Talkingaboutit,itwasalmostlikeIcouldfeelBlaine’shands.“Iamstilla

virgin.”Iforcedmyeyesopen.“Hedidn’ttouchmethere.That’snothowhe…rapedme.”

Camstaredatme,andIsawthemomentheunderstood.Comprehensionflaredinhiseyes.Hishands

closedintofistsinhislap.Themuscleisjawspedup.“Sonofabitch,”hesaid,lipsthin.“Youwere
fourteenandhedidthattoyou?”

“Yeah.”Theknotsinmystomachgrew.
AnothermomentpassedandCamthrusthishandthroughhishair.“Shit.Avery.Isuspectedsomething.I

thoughtthatsomethinglikethatmighthavehappenedtoyou.”

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmywaist.“Youdid?”
Henodded.“Itwasthewayyouactedsometimes.Howjumpyyoucouldbe,butI’djusthopeditdidn’t

gothatfar.Andwhenyoutoldmeyouwerestillavirgin,Ithoughtthatwasthecase.”

Thatwasanunderstandableassumption.
“Avery,I’mso,sosorry.Youshouldhaveneverhadtogothroughsomethinglikethat,especiallyat

thatage…”Hisjawclencheddownandhelookedlikehewasgoingtostandagainbutstopped.“Please
tellmethatmotherfuckerisinjailforthis.”

“Heisnow.”IfocusedonthemutedTV.“It’salongstory.”
“Ihavetime.”WhenIdidn’tsayanything,hisspokeagainandhisvoicesoundedstrained.“Whatelse,

Avery?Pleasetalktome,becauseI’msecondsawayfrombookingaflighttoTexasandkillingamother
fucker.”

Irockedback,pullingmykneestomychest.KnowingthatIowedhimeverything,Itookanotherdeep

breath.“Afterhestopped,Ireallydon’tthinkhehadacluethathe’ddoneanythingwrong.Hejustleftme
thereonthiscouchandwhenIcouldgetup,IknewIneededtotellsomeone.IknewIneededtogotothe
hospital.Iwasinsomuch…”Isqueezedmyeyesshutasashudderrockedthroughme.Thefollowing
minutesafterBlainehadleftmehadbeenashorrifyingastheattacked.“Icouldn’tfindmyfriends,butI
foundmypurse,andIendedupwalkingoutofthehouseandIkeptwalkinguntilIrememberedIhadmy
phonewithme.Icalled911.”

Unabletositanylonger,Idroppedmyfeettothefloorandstood.“Iendedupatthehospitalandthey

didanexam.ThepoliceshowedupandItoldthemwhathappenedanditwasthetruth.”

“Ofcourseitwasthetruth,”hesaid,hisgazefollowingme.
“Bythetimethepoliceleftthehospital,thepartywasover,butBlainewasathishouse.Theyarrested

himandtookhimin.IwenthomeandIstayedoutofschoolforthenexttwodays,buteveryonefoundout
thathe’dbeenarrestedforwhathe’ddone.”IstoppedinfrontoftheTV.“Andthenhisparentsshowed
up.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
Istartedpacingagain.“Hisparentsandminewere—are—countryclubbuddies.Myparentsandhis—

alltheyeverycaredaboutwasimage.Mymomanddadhavemoremoneythantheycouldeverwant,
but…”Athicknesscoatedmythroatandmyvisionblurred.“TheFitzgeraldsofferedmyparentsadeal.
ThatifIdroppedthechargesandremainedquietaboutwhathappened,theywouldpaymeandtheman
ungodlysumofmoney.”

Cam’snostrilsflared.“Andyourparentstoldthemtogofuckthemselves,right?”
Ilaughed,butitcameoutmoreofasob.“TheyshowedmyparentsthepicturethatwastakenofBlaine

andmeatthepartyandtheysaidthatifthiswenttocourt,noonewouldbelievethegirlinthe‘slutty
costumesittinginhislap.’Andmyparents,theydidn’twanttodealwiththescandal.Theyratheritallgo
away,sotheyagreed.”

“Holyshit,”Camwhisperedhoarsely.

“Ithappenedsofast.Icouldn’tbelievewhatmyparentsweretellingmetodo.Theyhadn’treally

talkedtomeaboutitbefore,butthey…theyhadbeensoworriedaboutwhateveryonewouldthinkifthe
wholethingwentpublic—thepicturesandthefactthatIhadbeendrinking.Iwasjustsoscaredand
confusedandyouknow,I’mnotevensuretheybelievedme.”Ituggedmyhairback,hatingwhatIwas
abouttoadmit.“SoIsignedthepapers.”

Camsaidnothing.
“Iagreedtotakethemoney,halfofwhichwentintomyaccountsothatwhenIturnedeighteen,Ihad

accesstoit,andIagreedtopullthechargesandtonotspeakaboutitagain.”Idroppedmyhandstomy
sides.“Thatmakesmeaterribleperson,doesn’tit?”

“What?”Cam’sbrowsflewup.“You’renotaterribleperson,Avery.JesusChrist,youwerefourteen

andyourparentsshould’vetoldthemtofuckoff.Ifanyoneistoblame,besidethefuckerwhodidthatto
you,it’sthem.Youdon’thaveanyfaultinthis.”

InoddedslowlyasIsatontherecliner.“Withindays,everyoneatschoolturnedonme.Apparently,

therewasnothingintheagreementaboutBlainekeepinghismouthshut.HetoldpeoplethatIhadlied.
ThatIhaddoneallthosethingswithhimwillinglyandthenfalselyaccusedhim.Everyonebelievedhim.
Whywouldn’tthey?Idroppedthecharges.Iwouldn’ttalkaboutit.Schoolwas…itwasterribleafter
that.Ilostallmyfriends.”

Camranahandoverhisjaw.“Thisiswhyyoustoppeddancing?”
“Yes,”Iwhispered.“Icouldn’tstandpeoplelookingatmeandwhisperingaboutwhatthey’dheardor

talkingopenlyaboutitinfrontofmyface.AndIdidthis...”Iraisedmyleftarm.“Mymomwasso
pissed.”

Hestaredatme,asifhecouldn’tcomprehendthelastthingIhadsaid.“Shewasmadbecauseyou…”

Trailingoff,heshookhishead.“Nowonderyoudon’tgohometoseethem.”

“It’swhyIpickedhere,youknow.Itwasfarenoughtojustgetawayfromallofit.Ithoughtthatwas

allIneededtodo—todistancemyself.”

“ThatmessageIsaw?Itwassomeonewhoknewaboutwhathappened?
Inoddedagain.“Whoevercameupwiththesayingyoucan’tescapeyourpastreallyknewwhatthey

weretalkingabout.”

ThemusclepoppedfasterinCam’sjaw.“Whatelsehasbeengoingon,Avery?YousaidthisBlaine,”

hespatthenameout,“wasinjail?Butwho’sbeenmessagingyou?”

Leaningforward,Ipressedmyforeheadintomyopenhands.Myhairslidforward,shieldingmyface.

“I’vebeengettingthesemessagessinceAugust.Ijustthoughtitwassomeassholeandignoredit.Andmy
cousinhasbeentryingtoreachme,butIignoredhimtoobecause…well,forobviousreasons.Ifinally
talkedtomycousinoverwinterbreak,thenightbeforeIcameovertoyourapartment.”

“Thenightofthefight?”
“Yeah,”Isaid.“HewastryingtogetintouchwithmetotellmethatBlainehadbeenarrestedfor

doingthesamethingtoanothergirlatthestartofsummer.Heactuallyapologized.Thatmeantalottome,
but…Ididn’tknowthatthisgirlhadbeentheonewhosebeencontactingmethisentiretime.”Takinga
deepbreath,ItoldhimhowitallcameaboutwithMolly.

WhenIwasdone,Camwasshakinghishead.“WhathappenedtoherisfuckingterribleandI’mglad

thatbastard’sassisgoingtojail.Betteryet,heshouldbefuckingcastrated,butwhathappenedtoherisn’t
yourfault,sweetheart.Youdidn’tmakehimdothattoyouorher.”

“Butbymenottellinganyoneallowedhimtodoitagain.”
“No.”Camstood,hiseyesfulloffire.“Don’tfuckingtellyourselfthat.Nooneknowswhatwould’ve

happenedifyoudidn’tdropthecharges.Youwerefourteen,Avery.Youdidthebestyoucouldinthe

situation.Yousurvived.”

Iliftedmyheadthen.“Butthat’sit,youknow?AllI’vebeendoingissurviving.Ihaven’tbeenliving.

LookatwhatI’vedonetous.Andyes,I’vedonethis!Ipushedyouawayagain.”

Hisexpressionsoftened.“Butyou’retellingmenow.”
“I’veletwhathappenedtomefiveyearsagostillaffectme!Whenwealmosthadsex?Iwasn’tafraid

ofyouorifthere’dbepain.Itwasn’tthat.Iwasafraidthatoncewestarted,thatwhatBlainehaddone
wouldruinitformeorthatIwouldruinitformyself.Iamcoward—Iwasacoward.”Comingtomyfeet,
Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmywaist.“Butit’stoolate,isn’tit?Ishould’vebeenhonestwithyoumonthsago
soyouknewwhatyouweregettingintoandI’msosorrythatIwasn’t.”

“Avery…”
Thebackofmythroatburnedastearsfloodedmyeyes.“I’msosorry,Cam.Iknowtellingyounow

doesn’tchangeanything,butIneededtotellyouthatyoudidn’tdoanythingwrong.Youwereperfect
—perfectforme—andIloveyou.”Myvoicebrokeagain.“AndIknowyoucan’tlookatmethesame
now.Iunderstand.”

Camarmshadfallentohissides.Helookedshellshocked.“Avery,”hebrokein,voicesoft,andhe

wassuddenlyinfrontofme,cuppingmycheeks.“Whatdidyousay?”

“Thatyoucan’tlookatmethesame?”
“Notthat.Beforethat.”
Isniffed.“Iloveyou?”
“Youloveme?”Hiseyessearchedmineintensely.
“Yes,but—”
“Stop.”Heshookhishead.“DoyouthinkIlookatyoudifferently?ItoldyouIalwayssuspectedthat

somethinghappened—”

“Butyouhadhopethatitwasn’tthat!”Itriedtopullaway,butCam’shandsdroppedtomyupperarms,

notallowingmetorun.“Youlookedatmebeforewithhopeandyoudon’thavethatanymore.”

“Isthatwhatyoureallythink?Hasthatbeenwhathasbeenstoppingyouthiswholetimefromtelling

me?”

“Everyonelooksatmedifferentlyoncetheyknow.”
“I’mnoteveryone,Avery!Nottoyou,notwithyou.”Ourgazeslocked.“DoyouthinkIstilldon’thave

hope?Hopethatyouwilleventuallygetpastthis?Thatitwon’thauntyoufivemoreyearsfromnow?”

Ididn’tknowwhattosay,butmyheartwasracingasheslidhishandsdowntomine.Heplacedthem

onhischest,rightabovehisheart.“Ihavehope,”hesaid,hisgazeneverleavingmine.“Ihavehope
becauseIloveyou—I’vebeeninlovewithyou,Avery.ProbablybeforeIevenrealizedthatIwas.”

“Youlovedme?”
Camdroppedhisforeheadtomineandhischestrosesharplyundermyhands.“Iloveyou.”
Myheartstuttered.“Youloveme?”
“Yes,sweetheart.”
Therewasastrengthinthosewords,buttherewasapowerinthetruth.Somethingbrokewideopen

insideme,likeafoundationonagreat,thickwallfinallygivingundertheweight.Ahailstormofemotion
whirledinsideme,seekingawayout.Icouldn’tstopit.Ididn’teventry.Tearsstreameddownmyface,
sofastthatIcouldn’tseeCam’sfacethroughthem.

Asoundfromthebackofhisthroatcameandhepulledmetohischest,circlinghisarmsaroundme

tightly.Heheldme,whisperingsoothing,nonsensicalwords.Atsomepoint,heliftedmeintohisarmsand
carriedmebacktohisbedroom.Helaidmedownonhisbedandclimbedinbesideme,cradlingmeto
hischest.Oncethetearscame,theydidn’tstop.Theywerethebig,uglykindofsobsyoucouldn’tspeak

orbreathearound.Therewasalsosomethingrenewinginthosetears,asifeachtearthatfellsomehow
symbolizedthatIwasfinallylettinggo.

IcriedforMollyandallthatshehadtogothrough.IcriedforCamandeverythingIhadputhim

through.Icried,becauseintheend,hestilllovedme.Mostofall,IcriedforeverythingthatIhadlostand
foreverythingIknewIcouldnowgain.

Chapter31

Lyingbesidemeonmybed,Camreachedoverandpickedupastrandofmyhair.Hetwirledthe

reddishbrownlockaroundhisfingersandthensmackeditacrossmynose.“Sowhatdoesitfeelliketo
finallybeasophomoreincollege?”

Icaughthishandanduntangledbyhair,grinning.“I’mnotofficiallyasophomore.Notuntilschool

startsagaininthefall.”

“Ideemyouasophomorenow.”Hepluckedupmyhairagain,thistimetrailingitacrossmycheek.

“WhatIsaygoes.”

“Thenhowdoesitfeelfinallybeingasenior.Nextyearisyourlast.”
“Amazing,”hereplied,tracingmylowerlipwiththeendsofmyhair.“Itfeelsamazing.”
Wigglingclosertohim,Iwrappedmyfingersinthecollarofhisshirt.“Itfeelsprettydamngoodtobe

asophomore.”

“Wouldbebetterifyoudidn’tsignupforsummerclasses.”
“True.”Iwastakingbiooverthesummertogetitoutoftheway.Anditwouldworkout.Camwas

helpingoutwithasummersoccercampforkids,sohe’dbeheremostofthetime.IwasgoingtomissBrit
andJacobthough.They’dalreadyheadedhome.

Smilingsoftly,Imanagedtogetcloser.CamspreadhisarmsandIplacedmyheadonhisshoulder,

throwinganarmandalegoverhim.

“Closeenough?”heasked.
“No.”
Hechuckledashisfingerstrailedupanddownmyspine.Mybodyrelaxedunderthesoftministrations.

HislipsbrushedmyforeheadandIsmiled.

ThingsweredifferentbetweenussinceI’dtoldhimthetruth.Ithadbeenroughandawkward

immediatelyafterward.RatherCamadmittedit,hehadn’tbeensureonhowtoproceedforwardwithour
relationship.Likewhatheshouldsayordoanditwasn’tlikeamiraculouschangeoccurredovernight.
Threeweekshadpassedbeforeanythingsexualhappenedbetweenus.Itwasn’tthathehadn’twantedto,
butIknewhehadn’twantedtopushme.Ittookmetakingcontrolandbasicallyattackinghimforhimto
getthemessage.Ofcourse,wehadn’thadsex,yet,buttheonetimehadregainedhowfarwe’dcomein
thataspect.

Inasmallwayhedidlookatmedifferently,butitwasn’tasIfeared.Heknewthewholestorynow

andthatdidchangeus.

Forthebetter.
Iwasmoreofmyself,thewayIwasbefore.IevenwenttoapartythrownatJase’slastweekend.

There’dbeenmomentsofuneasethere,butCamhadbeentheretohelpmethroughitinsteadofdealing
withitonmyown.IhaddancedwithCam.

He’dreallyenjoyedthat.
Thereweren’tanysecretsbetweenusandwehadthewholesummeraheadofustoexplore,butthere

werethingsonmymind.ResolvingtheissueswithCamhadbeenimportantandamuchneededstep,but
therewerestillthingsIneededtoface,stillneededtotakecareofandtheywerebigthings.

RollingontopofCam,Istraddledhiships.“Hey.”
Hiseyesgotthatheavy,sensuallooktothemasheplacedhishandsonmywaist.“Heythere.”
“SoI’vebeendoingsomethinking.”
“OhGod.”
“Shutup.”Ilaughedandthenloweredmyhead,kissinghislips.“Actually,I’vebeendoingalotof

thinking.There’ssomethingIwanttodo.”

“What?”Hishandssliddownovermyshortsandrestedonmythighs.
Ibitmylip.“Iwanttogohome.”
Cam’sbrowsshotup.“LikebacktoTexas?”
“Yes.”
“Forhowlong?”
Placingmyhandsonhisstomach,Isatback.AflickeroftensionricochetedacrosshisfaceasI

presseddownonhim.Partofitwasonpurpose.“You’renotgettingridofmethateasy.Forjustadayor
two.”

Hisgriptightened.“Damn.Theregoesmymasterplanofspendingthesummerlikeasex-crazed

bachelor.”

Irolledmyeyes.
“Whatdoyouwanttodoifyougobackthere?”heasked,smoothinghishandsovermythighs.
“Iwanttoseemyparents,”Iadmitted.“Ineedtotalktothem.”
“Aboutwhathappened?”
“I’venevertalkedtothemaboutwhathappened,notsincethatnight.”Itappedmyfingersalonghis

chest.“Ineedtotalktothem.Iknowthissoundslikeitbeingabitchfest,butIneedtotellthemthatwhat
theydidwaswrong.”

Camletgoofmythighsandplacedhishandsovermine.“Itdoesn’tsoundlikeabitchfest,butdoyou

thinkit’swise?Imean,doyouthinkit’sgoingtohelpyouandnot…”

“Hurtme?”Ismiledsoftly.“There’sreallynothingmoremyparentscandothatwillhurtme,butIfeel

likeIneedtoconfrontthem.Doesthatmakemeabadperson?”

“No.”
“Ineedtodothis.”Itookadeepbreath.“IalsoneedtotalktoMolly.”
“What?”
“IneedtotalktoherandtrytoexplainwhyIdidwhatIdid.Iknowit’sriskyandifitcomesbackand

bitesmeintheasswiththenon-disclosure,thenitdoes,butifIcangethertounderstandjustalittleabit,
thenmaybeitwillhelpherandshe’llstopcontactingme.”Andthatwouldbeahellofanicechange.
Sincewetalked,shestillsentmemessages.Sporadicones,soIguessthatwasanimprovement,butI
wantedthemtoend.

Iwantedtomoveoncompletely.
Cameyesmetmine.“Idon’tknowaboutthat.Thegirlseemslikeshe’snotthemoststablepersonout

there.”

“She’snotcrazy.She’sjustmadandshehasareasontobe.”
“Andyou’renotthereasonwhyithappenedtoher.Youknowthat,right?You’renotresponsible.”
Ididn’tsayanything,becauseIwasn’tsureifthatwasthetruth.IfIhadn’tdroppedthecharges,Blaine

wouldn’thavegottenawaywithwhathe’ddoneandthatmayhavebeenenoughtostophimfromdoingit
again.Ornot.Thatwouldbeagreatunknown.

“IneedtodothisformyselfandforMolly,”Isaidfinally.Itwasn’tgoingtobepretty.“Idon’twantto

runanymore,Cam.AndIknowIcanneverreallyputthisbehindme.Whathappened…well,itwill
alwaysbeapartofme,butitwon’tbeme.Notanymore.”

Camwassilentforamoment.“YouknowwhatIthink?”
“I’mawesome?”
“Besidesthat.”
“What?”

“Ithinkyou’vealreadymadeitthatfar,Avery.Ithinkyouhaveaccepteditwillbepartofyou,butit’s

notyou.Youjusthaven’trealizedthat.”Hishandsmovedtomyhips.“Butifyouwanttodothis,then
you’lldothisandI’llbetherewithyou.”

“Youwanttogowith—”IsquealedasCamrolledsuddenlyandIwasonmybackandhewasabove

me.

“You’renotdoingthisbyyourself.Helltothemotherfuckingno,”hesaid,restinghisweightonhis

arm.“I’mgoingwithyou.Andyou’renottalkingmeoutofit.Whendoyouwanttodothis?”

“Gotanyplansthisweekend?”
Asilentlaughshookhisshoulders.“Jesus.”
“Ineedtodothis.”
Hedroppedakisstothetipofmynose.“Idon’tthinkyoudo,sweetheart,butifyouthinkyoudo,then

that’swhatmatters.”

Ilovedhisbeliefinme.Itwasbeautiful.“Youreallywanttocomewithme?”
“That’sastupidquestion,Avery.Andyes,thereissuchathingasstupidquestions.Thatwasoneof

them.OfcourseI’mgoingtobetherewithyou.”

Mylipsspreadinasmile.“Iloveyou.”
“Iknow.”
“Cocky.”
“Confident,”hereplied,loweringhisheadtomine.Hekissedmesoftly,butmybodystirredtolife.“I

loveyou,sweetheart.”

Istartedtowrapmyarmsaroundhim,butherockedoffmeandgrabbedmyhand.“Hey!Getback

here.”

“Nope.Wegotstufftodo.”Hehauledmeoffthebed.“Andifyoustartfeelingmeup,wearen’tgoing

togetanythingdone.”

“Whatarewedoingit?”
Dippingdownsuddenly,hepickedmeupoveroneshoulderandspuntowardthedoor.“Wegotsome

ticketstobook.”

#

ItseemedabsolutelyinsanethatwewereTexastwodayslater,butherewewere,checkingintoahotel

nottoofarfrommyparents’house.NotwantingtodelaywhatIneededtodotoday,assoonaswe
droppedoffourluggage,wehittheroad.Ididn’ttellmyparentsIwascomingtoTexas,soIhadnoidea
ifthey’dactuallybehome.

Camletoutalowwhistleashefollowedthewindingroadaroundthebendandmyparents’estate

cameintoview.“GoodLord,that’sahouse.”

“It’sreallynot,”Isaidasmygazecrawledoverthemanicured,barelawnandthenthemassivebrick

structure.“Yourparentshaveahome.Thisisjustareallybigshell.”

Heparkedtherentalinthecenterofthecirculardriveway,nearthemarblefountainthatbubbledwith

water.Eyeingit,hesmiledslightly.“Idon’tthinkI’veactuallyseenahousewithafountaininfrontofitin
reallife.”

Itookadeepbreath,nervousbutdetermined.“Icandothis.”
“Youcan.”Hesqueezedmykneegently.“Yousureyoudon’twantmetocomeinside?”
“Yes.”Ilookedathim,smiling.OfcourseIwantedhimintherewithme.“Ineedtodothisbymyself.”
Hesettledbackintheseat.“Ifyouchangeyourmind,textmeandI’llberightthere.”
Ileanedover,kissinghimsoftly.“You’reamazing.”
Hislipscurvedagainstmine.“Soareyou.”

Kissinghimoncemore,Ithenopenedthedoorandclimbedout.IfIstayedamomentlonger,Iwould

changemymind.AsIshutthedoor,Camstoppedme.

“Justrememberthatwhatevertheysaydoesn’tchangethefactthatyou’reabeautifullystrongwoman

andnothingthathappenedwasyourfault.”

Tearsfilledmyeyesandasteelyresolvefortifiedmyspine.“Thankyou.”
Camwinked.“Nowgodogoodthings.”
Givinghimawaterysmile,Iturnedandheadedupthewidestairsandacrosstheporch.Afaninthe

ceilingstirredhotairandliftedafewstrandsofmyhair.Iraisedmyhandtoknockandthenshookmy
head.Ireachedintomypocketandpulledoutthekey.Ididn’tneedtoknock.

ThelockgaveandwithonemoreglancebackatwhereCamwaited,Isteppedinsidemyparents’

house.

Nothinghadchanged.ThatwasmyfirstimpressionasIquietlyshutthedoorbehindme.Everything

wascleanandshiny.Therewasnosmellorsounds.Nothingwelcomingaboutthecoldfoyer.

Iwalkedunderthegoldenchandelierandenteredtheformersittingroom.“Dad?Mom?”
Silence.
IsighedasIpassedwhitefurnituremymomwouldhaveashitfitoverifanyonedaredtositin.I

checkedthediningroomandthenthelivingroom.Finally,aftercheckingoutthestudyandthenthe
kitchen,Iheadedupstairs.

Thestepsmadenosound.
Onthesecondfloor,Iheadedtowardtheendofthehall,tothelastdoorandpusheditopen.
Itwasmybedroom—keywordbeingwas.
“Holyshit,”Iwhispered.
Allmystuffwasgone—mybooks,mydesk,thepostersandotherlittleoddsandendsI’dleftbehind.

Notthatitreallymattered,butgeez,nothingaboutthisroomwouldmakeanyonethinkIusedtoliveinit.

“Wepackedyourstuffup.”
Ijumpedandspunaround.Shestoodinthedoorwaytowhatusedtobemybedroom,dressedinbeige,

linenslacksandawhiteblousetuckedin.Herstrawberry-blondehairwascoifed,herfacevoidofany
lineorphysicalimperfection.

“Mom.”
Adelicateeyebrowarched.“Yourstuffisintheatticifthatiswhatyou’reherefor.Wehadthehelp

moveitupthereafterIspokewithyouinthefall.”

“Youforgotmybirthday,”Iblurtedout.
Shetiltedherheadtothesideinasmooth,elegantmovement.“Wedid?”
IstaredatheramomentandallIcouldthinkwaswhatabitch.Angerrose,butIpusheditdown.

AngergotyounowherewithMrs.Morgansten.Youhadtobeatheratherowngame—staycalm,stay
collected.“I’mnothereformystuff.”

“Areyouheretomovebackin?”sheasked,andshedidn’tsoundhopeful.Shesoundedlikenothing.I

wonderedifshegotplasticsurgeryforhervoice.Itwasasexpressiveasherface.

“No.”Ialmostsnorted.“I’mheretotalktoyouandDad.Ishehome?”
Shedidn’tanswerimmediately.“He’soutontheveranda.”
Mostfolkwouldcallthatacoveredporch,butnotMom.“Well,let’sgo.”
Notwaitingforananswer,Ibrushedpastherandheadeddownstairs.ShetrailedslightlybehindandI

couldfeelhereyesboringintothebackofme.Istartedcounting.Imadeittofiveandthebottomstep
beforesheopenedhermouth.

“Haveyou’vegottenahaircutrecently?”

“No.”
Therewasaslighthuff.“Icantell.”
Isighed.“Thenwhydidyouask?”
Momdidn’tresponduntilwereachedthedenthatledouttotheporch.“Whatareyouwearingbythe

way?”

“Thriftstoreshit,”Ireplied,eventhoughthatwasn’ttrue.
Shetaskedsoftly.“Verynice,Avery.”
IrolledmyeyesasIpushedopenthedoor,halftemptedtoracebackthroughthehouseandstartrolling

aroundonallthewhitefurniture.Dadwassittingononeofthechaiselounges,readinganewspaper.
BeforeIcouldopenmymouth,Momdid.

“Lookwhodecidedtopayusavisit.”
Dadloweredthenewspaperashelookedup.Surprisedflickeredacrosshisface.“Avery.”
“Hey,Dad.”
Sittingup,hefoldedthenewspaperandplaceditaside.“Weweren’texpectingyou.”
No‘howhaveyou’vebeen’or‘happytoseeyou.’Isatinoneofthewickerchairs.“Iknow.I’mnot

goingtobehereforlong.”

“Shewantstotalktous.”Momremainedstanding.“Icannotfathomwhatitcouldbeabout,butthereis

arentalinthedrivewayandthere’saboyinthecar.”

Iignoredthatcomment.“Thishasnothingtodowiththerentalorwhoisinthecar.”
“I’dsurelyhopeyoudidn’tcomeallthiswaytotalkaboutthat,”shereplied.
Itookalong,deepbreath.“IspoketoDavid.”Myfatherstiffened,andMomwassurprisinglyquiet.

Goodsigns.“HetoldmeaboutMollySimmonsandBlaineFitzgeraldandwhathappenedlastsummer—
whatwillhappenthissummer.”

“Avery…”
“No,”Isaid,cuttingMomoffbeforeshecouldsayanythingelsethatwouldsurelypissmeoff.“I

haven’tbrokentheagreement.I’vekeptmymouthshutalltheseyears.I’vedoneexactlywhatyoutwo
toldmeIshoulddo.”

Momdrewherselfup.“Davidhadnorighttocallyou—”
“Whynot?”Idemanded.“IsitagainstthelawtoletmeknowthatBlainerapedanothergirl,justlike

hehadrapedme?”

Dadsuckedinashrillbreath,butMom,shegotwhiterifthatwaspossible.“Thereisnoreasontoput

thatouttheresocrudely,”shesaid,crossingherarms.“Weknowwhatyousaid—”

“WhatItoldyouthatnightatthehospitalisthesamethingItoldthepolice.Blainehadrapedme.It

wasyoutwothatdecidedIshoulddropthecharges,whichmadeeveryonethinkthatIhadlied.”

“Avery,”myfatherbegan.
Ididn’tlethimgetanyfurther.“ThereasonwhyIevencamehereisbecauseIneedtoletgoofwhat

happenedtomeandtheonlywayIcandothatisbytellingyoutwowhatIshould’vesaidthen.”Itooka
breath,oneIdidn’tneed.“Youtwowerewrong.Youweresounbelievablywronginwhatyoudecided.”

Momsteppedforward.“Excuseme?”
“Youheardme.”Istood,myhandsballingintofists.“Youshould’vetoldhisparentstogofuck

themselves.Youshould’vetoldthemtogetthehelloutofyourhouse.Youshould’vegonetothepolice
andtoldthenwhathisparentsweretryingtodo,whichwastobribeyourdaughterintosilence.Andfor
what?Soyouwouldn’thavetogotocourt?Sothatnoonewouldaskquestions?Andyouallcouldstill
gototheclubandthingswouldn’tbeawkward?Meanwhile,Iwaslabeledalyingwhorebyeveryone?
AndBlainewasfreetodoitagaintoanotherperson?Howculpablearewe?Youshould’vestoodbeside

meandbelievedme!Youshould’vegottenmehelp.I’myourdaughter.Youshould’vebeenthinkingabout
me.”

Dadlookedaway,andIcouldunderstandwhy.Maybehe’dalwayssuspectedthetruth.Iwouldbe

ashamed,too.

“Thingshaven’tturnedoutthatbadforyour,Avery.”Momletoutanoisybreath.“Afterall,lookat

whatyou’vebeenabletodowiththatmoney.Gotocollege.Furnishyourownapartment.”Herlipcurled.
“Youmakeitsoundlikewedidnothingforyou.”

“Nancy,”myfathersaid,liftinghishead.
“What?”Shetippedherchinup.“Neveroncedidshethinkthiswashardonus.”
Istaredatmymom,butIwasn’tsurprised.PartofmewishedIwereandIwasn’tthathurtbyher

words.“Youknow,that’stheproblem,Mom.You’veonlyeverbeenconcernedabouthoweverythingis
sodifficultforyou.”IshookmyheadasIglancedatmyDad.“I’mdoingbetter.Incaseyouguysactually
care.I’mdoinggoodatschool.IhavefriendsandI’vemetawonderfulmanwhoknowswhathappenedto
me.Sothosearethethingsthathaven’tturnedoutbad.IhopeonedayIcansaythesamethingaboutus.”

Myfatherpressedhislipstothebackofhisfingers,stillstaringoutintothegarden.Itookonemore

lookatthemandturnedtomymom.Shemetmystarewithasteadyone,butfinelinesstartedtoshowat
thecornersofherlips.Nomatterhowunaffectedshelooked,IknewIhadnettledher.

“Ididn’tcomeheretomakeyoutwofeelbad,”Isaid,swallowing.“Thatisn’twhatthisisabout.I

neededtosaysomething,finally.AndIneedyouguystoknowthatIforgiveyou,butdon’teverexpectthat
youcantellmewhattodowithmylifeeveragain.”

Sheheldmygazeamomentlongerandthenlookedaway,herjawlinetight.Igavethembothafew

secondstosaysomething,butsilencecreptbetweenus.Sobeit.

Iwalkedtowardthedoor,mybackstraightandmyheadhigh.Itwasn’tforced.Itwasreal.Another

weightliftedoffmychest,leavingonlyonethinglefttodo.Butthatwastomorrowandtoday—todaywas
agoodday.

Smilingslightly,Iwalkedthroughtheformalsittingroom.Onmywayout,Igrabbedathrowpillow

thatprobablycostamonthofrentandtosseditontothefloor.Childish?Yes.Diditmakemefeelgood?
Ohyeah.

AsIsteppedoutontotheporch,IsawthatCamwasoutsideofthecar,hisbaseballcappulledlowas

heinspectedthewaterfountain.MysmilewidenedasIsawhimrunhishandthroughthewater.

Heturnedandwhenhespottedme,hejoggedaroundthecarandmetmehalfway.“How’ditgo?”
“Ah…”Istretchedup,tiltingmyheadtothesidesothatIcouldmoveinunderhiscap.Ikissedhim.

“Itwentasexpected.”

Hishandsimmediatelylandedonmyhips,asuresignthatthequickkisshadaffectedhim,even

standinginfrontofmyparents’house.“Wanttotellmeaboutit?”

“Overdinner?”Isteppedback,andhecaughtmyhand.“I’mgoingtotakeyoutoChuy’s—”
“Avery?”
Camstiffened,hisgriponmyhandtighteningasIturnedtowardthesoundofmydad’svoice.Hewas

halfwayacrosstheporch,comingstraightforus.

“Ifhesayssomethingignorant,IcannotpromiseIwillnotlayhimoutrighthere,rightnow,”Cam

warnedinalowvoice.

Isqueezedhishand.“Hopefullythatwon’tbecomeanissue.”
“Justsaying,”hemuttered.
Wewaitedformydadtoreachus.HetookinCamandwhereourhandswerejoined.
“ThisisCameronHamilton,”Iintroduced,becauseitseemedrudenotto.“Cam,thisismyfather.”

Camextendedhisfreehand,buthisjawwastightandhiseyeswereanicyblue.“Hi.”
Myfathershookhishand.“Nicetomeetyou.”
Camsaidnothing.
“What’sup,Dad?”Iasked.
Hiseyesmetmineforasecondandthenflickeredaway.Upcloselikethis,intheharshsunlightofthe

Texassun,Isawhowmuchmyfatherhadaged.Inthatmoment,Irealizedthatwhathadhappenedhad
takenitstollonhim.He,unlikemymom,hadn’tcovereditthroughnumerousproceduresandmakeup.

Mydadtookadeepbreathandthensaid,“YouknowwhatI’vemissedmostofall?Imisswatching

youdance.”

Chapter32

Overdinner,IfilledCaminontheconversationIhadwithmyparents.Ithoughthemightlaunchhis

steakknifeintoawallwhenItoldhimaboutmymom’sattitude.

“Really,”Isaid.“I’mnotsurprised.She’salwaysbeen…coldanditjustgotworseovertheyears.”
Cam’sjawflexed.“You’renicerthanme.”
Ishrugged.Hewouldn’tthinkthatifhewaspartytomyinternaldialogue.“I’mgladItalkedtothem.

AndDad?Thewholedancethingwashiswayofshowingsomelevelofregret.AtleasthegotwhatIwas
saying,youknow?”

Henodded.“Sohowdoyoufeelaboutit?”
Goodquestion.Isatback.“Idon’treallyfeelanything.Imean,likeIsaid,I’mgladIdidit,butIdon’t

know.It’slikehavingtogotothedentist.Youdon’twanttodo,butyouknowyouhaveto,andafterward,
you’rejustgladyoudidit.”

Reachingoverthetable,hespreadhishandovermine.“YoustillwanttoseeMollytomorrow?”
“Yes.”I’dgonethroughmyemailafterwe’dbookedourticketsandfoundonefromher.Wasn’thard.

Therehadbeenmany.IsentheraquicknoteexplainingthatI’dbeintownandIwantedtoseeher.I’d
beenpartlysurprisedwhensherespondedwithinthehoursayingyes.“Istillwanttoseeher.”

Camlookedaway,jawtight.Hewasn’tbigontheidea,buthewassupportingmenonetheless.This

wasoneofthemomentsthatIrealizedhowluckyIwastohaverunintohiminthehallwayoutsideof
astronomy.Ineededtorealizethatmoreoften.

AndIneededhim,likeneededhim.
Ididn’twanttotalkaboutmyparentsormyimpendingvisitwithMollyanylonger.Iwantedtoshow

CamhowmuchIdidlovehim.NotbecauseitwaswhatIthoughtwasexpectedofme,butbecauseitwas
whatIwanted.

“Readytoheadback?”Iasked,myheartratepickingupspeed.
Wepaidthecheckandtraveledtheshortdistancebacktothehotel.Itwasstillearlyandbeingsoclose

toHouston,therewasalottoshowCam,butIwasfeelingstingywithmytimewithhim.Ididn’twantto
share.

Camsatontheedgeofthebed,hisbaseballcapslidbackwardashethumbedthroughthebuttonson

theremote.Curtainsweredrawnonthelargewindowacrosstheroomandonlyabitoffadingsunlight
slippedin.

“I’mgoingtotakeaquickshower.”Igatheredupmytoiletriesandstartedbackingtowardthe

bathroom.

Heslidmealonglook,openedhismouth,andthennodded.Acertainlighthadfilledhiseyes,making

meshiverwithawareness.Ismiledandthendartedintothebathroom.Closingthedoorbehindme,I
dumbedmybagonthesinkcounter.Ihadn’tbroughtanyclothesinwithmeandIwonderedifCamhad
noticedthat.

Andifhehad,whatwashethinking?
WasitthesamethingIwas?
Itookaquickshower,gettingtheinevitableairplanefunkoffme.Itookthetimetoclearmythoughtsof

theconversationwithmyparents.Itdidn’ttakemuch.Mypulsewasalreadythrummingandmyentire
beingwasfocusedonhim.

Steppingoutoftheshower,Iwrappedathicktowelaroundmychestandcombedthetanglesoutofmy

hair.MystomachkeptdippinglikeIwasonarollercoaster.Ibrushedmyteethandthentherewasnothing
leftformetoprocrastinatewith.

Openingthedoor,IfoundCamwhereIlefthim,excepthewaslyingonhisback,hislegsdangling

overtheedgeofthebed.Thecaprestedbesidehimandtheremotelayonhisflatstomach.

Istoppedatthedoor.
Camturnedhisheadandimmediatelysatup.Locksofdarkhairtumbledoverhisforehead,brushing

hisbrows.Beneaththethicklashes,hiseyeswereavibrantshadeofblue.

Skintinglingwithathousandtinypinpricks,Iwalkedovertowherehesat.Hetippedhisheadback,

histhroatworkingasIstoppedinfrontofhim,myfingerscurledaroundwherethetowelwasknotted.

Hislashessweptdownandhislipsparted.“Avery.”
Placingonehandonhisshoulder,Iclimbedupontothebed,mykneesoneithersideofhisthighs.His

handslandedonmytowel-coveredhips.“Cam?”

Hislipstippeduponthesideandthedimplebegantoappearinhisleftcheek.“Whatareyouupto?”
“Nothing,”Isaid,recognizingthebreathlessnessinmyvoice.“Everything.”
“Thosearetwooppositethings.”
“Iknow.”Iloweredmyselfdownontohislap,shudderingwhenIfelthisarousalthroughhisjeans,

pressingagainstmyheat.“Kissme?”

Ididn’twaitforhisanswer.Ibentmyheaddownandbrushedmylipsoverhisonce,twice,andthen

again,slippingthetipofmytongueoverhislowerlipandtheninside.Hisgriponmyhipstightened,butI
wastotallyincontrolasIcoaxedhismouthopen,deepeningthekiss.Hislipsmovedagainstmine,
followingmylead.IwassureIwouldmeltintohim,intothebed.

“Touchme?”Mylipsbrushedhis.“Please.”
Camobliged.
Heslippedhishandsunderthehemofthetowel.Bothwereonmythighs,slidingupanddownslowly.

EachpassbroughthisfingersclosertowhereIwantedhimdesperately.Onestoppedalongthebackofmy
thighwhiletheothercametantalizingclosetomycore.

“Now,”Isaid,liftingmyhead.
Camchuckledashisfingersinchedbackup.Hisknucklesbrushedmydampnessandthenretreated.A

groanoffrustrationescapedme.“Whatdoyouwant?”heasked,thoselasheshidinghiseyes.

“Iwantyoutotouchme.”
Anotherclosecallashisknucklesbrushedmeoncemoreandthenhishandslidbackdownmyleg.“I

amtouchingyou,sweetheart.”

“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Idon’t.”
“Please.”Idroppedmyheadtohis.“Pleasetouchme,Cam.”
Camtippedhisheadbackagain.Ournosesbrushedandthenourlips.“Well,whenyousayitlike,I

thinkIgetwhatyoumean.”

“Finally,”Igroaned.
Helaughedagainandthennippedatmychinashishanddrifteduptheinsideofmythigh.Ijerkedas

hecuppedmefully.“Likethis?”

“Yes.”
Hislipspresseddownonthecenterofmythroatashisfingerslippedinside.“Andthis?”
Myeyesclosedasmybackarched.“Uh-huh.”
Camshiftedhishandandhisthumbpresseddownonthenubofnerves.Igaspedasheworkedanother

fingerinsidemeandhisbodytensedbeneathmine.“Whataboutthis?”

Itippedmyhipsforward,moaningasmybodyheated.“Oh,yeah.Definitelythat.”
“Definitelythat,”hemurmured,hisfingerspumping.

Anothermoanescapedme,butIwantedmore.Iwantedtofeelhiminsideme,neededhimtobe.A

wilddesirebornfromlustandsomethingfar,farstronger.Openingmyeyes,minelockedwithhis.
Slowly,Iunraveledtheknotonmytowelandletisslipdownmyback,fallingontothefloor.

Cam’shandstilledandhisbreathingquickened.Hereachedupwithhisfreehand,cuppingmybreast.

“Fuck,Avery…”

Iplacedmyhandoverhis,myheartpounding.“Don’tstop.”
Histhumbmovedovermyhardenednippleandhegrowled,“Iwasn’tplanningonit.”
“NotwhatImeant,”Iwhispered.Reachingdownwithmyotherhand,Ifoundthezipperonhisjeans.

“Iwantyou,Cam.”

“Youhaveme,”hegroaned.“Yousofuckinghaveme.”
AdelightedsmileappearedasIwrappedmyfingersaroundhiswrist.WithalevelofcontrolIdidn’t

realizeIhad,Ipulledhishandoutfrombetweenmythighs.“Ireallywantyou.”Iflickedopenthebutton
onhisjeansandpulledhiszipperdown.Myfingersskimmedhishardnessandheshuddered.“Don’tyou
wantme?”

“Morethanyouknow,”hesaid,lashesloweringasIpalmedthelengthofhim.Hegroaned.“Avery…”
Iletgoofhim,longenoughtotughisshirtoffandtossitaside.Hewasallgoldenskinandsleek

muscles.“Iwantthis,Cam.”

Hegrabbedmyhips,hischestrisingsharply.“Areyousure,Avery?Becauseifyou’renot,wedon’t

have—”

Silencinghimwithakiss,Islidmyhandsoverhischest.“I’msure.”
Hishandsflexedonmyhipsandtheninonepowerfulmovement,hehadmeonmybackandhewas

aboveme,hiseyesbrightandintense.Heswoopeddown,claimingmylipsinafeverishkisswithso
muchpowerandpassion.Thenhestood,pinningmewithamoltenstareasheshuckedoffhisjeans.My
gazetraveledoverhischest,thetattoo,themagnificentabs,andthenlower.Camwashugeandanawfully
naivepartofmewonderedhowthiswasgoingtowork.

Cam’sheatedgazedrifteddownmybareskin.Myheartflutteredunsteadily,mystomachwasfullof

anticipation.“Icouldstareatyouforalifetime.Itwouldnevergrowold.”

“EvenwhenI’mold?”
“Eventhen.”
Thenheloweredhimself,trailinghislipsovermylegsandstomach.Hereachedmybreast,suckling

andnippinguntilmybreastsfeltheavyandswollen.Camtookhistime,slowlymovingoverme,licking
everyinchofmyskinlikehesoughttomemorizemybodyorclaimit.Ididn’tcare.Hecoulddoitfor
eternity.Intenseheatbuiltinmystomachandspreadlower,turningintoagloriousache.Forthefirsttime,
Iwasn’tafraidorunsureoftheawakeningdesire.Iwantedtoexploreit.IwantedCamtoexploreit.

Mybodyarchedagainsthis,achingandtenseashedrewouteverybreath,everymoanandwhimper.

Desire,rifeandpowerful,spreadthroughme.Ihadneverfeltthiswaybefore.

Cambroughthislipsbacktomine,supportinghimselfwithhisarm,continuingtodelveintomymouth

whilehegentlyworkedonefingerintomeandthentwo.Soonhehadmebucklingunderhim.Thenhe
liftedhisheadandtherewassomethingintoxicatinginhisgaze—wild.ItmirroredwhatIfeltinsideme.
Heworkedmetotheedgeandthenslowlywithdrewhisfingers.

Iwhimpered,“Cam.”
Hechuckledashesliddownmybodyandthenhismouthwasonme,histonguemovinguntilmyhead

wasthrashingandmyhipsrollingwithabandoned.Ifeltallovertheplace,halfcrazedwithneed,and
whenherolledhisfingersoverthebundleofnerves,Icame,cryingouthisname.

Camroseswiftly,hisgazefixedonmineasmybodytrembled.Henudgedmythighsapartandthere

wasatwingeofunease,ofcoldnessanddarkness,butIpusheditaway.Iwasready.Hiserectionrested
againstmeandthenheslippedin,maybeaninch.

“Iloveyou,”Camsaidsoftly,onehandflatagainstmycheek.“Iloveyousoverymuch.”
Iwrappedanarmaroundhis.“Iloveyou.”
Hekissedmedeeplyashedroppedahandtomyhipandthenhishipsthrustintomine.Sharp,stinging

painshotthroughme.TearsofsurpriseprickedmyeyesandIfrozeattheincrediblepressureoffullness.

“Areyouokay?”hebreathed,stilling.
Inoddedandthensaid,“Yes.”
Cam’seyessearchedmineashisarmshookaroundmine.Heremainedstill,burieddeepinsidemeas

heloweredhismouthtomine.Hekissedmeslowly,tenderly,andsodeeplythatIfeltadifferentkindof
tearsrisetomyeyes.Mychestswelledwithloveandthen,finally,thedullachefadedandthepressure
insidemestartedtofeelgood.Itentativelyraisedmyhips.

Hegroaned.“Av…”
Ididitagain,rockingagainsthim.Hecradledmyhips,thrustingforward,wringingacryofpleasure

fromme.IgrippedhisshouldersasIwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist,bringinghimdeeper.Hemoved
overme,inme,theintensityincreasinguntilitbecameafeverishpace.Myheadspunwiththebliss
buildinginsideme.Hemovedfasterandhistouchwaseverywhere,hismouthonmybreasts,piercingme.
Hipsgrinding,Camslippedahandbetweenusanditwastoomuch.Ithrewmyheadback,shuddering
aroundhim.Themomentwasincredible.Thespasmsrockedmybodyintight,sensualwaves.

“Avery,”hegruntedmyname,buryinghisheadinmyshoulder.Twoquickthrustsandhecameasthe

lastofthetremorsrippledthroughme.

Ourheartspoundedtogether,ourskinslickwithmoisture.Minuteswentby,maybehours.Idon’tknow.

Whenhepulledoutslowly,carefully,hekissedmeinawayIdon’tthinkheeverhadbefore.

“Thatwas…therearenowords.”Heshookhishead,eyesbrilliant.“Youokay?”
“Perfect,”Itoldhim,spreadingmyhandsoverthesidesofhisface.“Youwereperfect.”
Camdippedhismouthtomine.“OnlybecauseIwaswithyou.”

Chapter33

Steppingintotheshowerthefollowingmorning,thehotwaterpelteddeliciouslysoremuscles.Iturned

intothespray,lettingitwashovermyupturnedface.Lastnight…allnight….Abigsmilepulledatmy
lips.Ithadbeenamazing.Notjustthesex—andthesexhadbeenawesomelywonderful—buteverything
thathadcomeafterward.Wewerecloserthanwewerebeforeandithadn’tbeentheactofsexbringingus
together.

Ithadbeentheactofcompletetrustineachother.
Hearingthesoftslidoftheshowerdoor,IopenedmyeyesandturnedasCamsteppedinbehindme.

Completelynaked.Mygazedipped.Andhard.

MycheeksflushedasIfoldedshyarmsacrossmybreasts.Yeah,wewerecloser,butthatdidn’tmean

standinginthebrightlightofthebathroombuckassnakedwasn’tintimidating.

“You’rebeautiful.”Camsmirkedalittleasheeasedmyarmsaway.“Andyouwanttohideyourself?”
“Notallofusareblessedwithyourconfidence.”
“Uh-huh.”Heranhisthumbovermypebblednippleandthenhekissedthecornerofmylipashis

handsslidupmyarms.Watercourseddownmyback.“Igotlonelyoutthere.ThoughtI’djoinyou.”

“Youwerelonely?”Isteppedclosertohim.
“Yes.”Camlethisarmsfalltomywaist.Heclosedtherestofthedistancebetweenus.Ourslickskin

pressedtogetherandpartsofmybodygotallhappyaboutthat.“Iorderedbreakfast.Wehaveabout
twentyminutes.”

“Twentyminutestogetfreshandclean?”
“Weonlyneedacoupleofminutesforthat.”
“Andwhatabouttherestofthoseminutes?”
Camdidn’ttellmehowhewantedtospendthosemoments.Heshowedme…ingreatdetail.Kissing

meoncebeforelatchinghismouthontomybreast.Aballoflavaformedinmybellyasheturnedme
sideways,thewatersprayingdownonus.Dazed,myhandflutteredtothestrandsofwethair.Theysifted
throughmyfingerslikesilk.Heslippedhishandbetweenmythighsashedraggedhismouthtomine.He
knewexactlyhowtotouchme,howtomakecometothebrinkofcontrol.

“Holdon,”heordered.
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneck,lettingoutashortbreathasheliftedmeup,pressingmyback

againstthewettileashesettledbetweenmylegs.Hebroughtustogetherwithaslow,torturousthrust.My
moansfilledthebathroomashishipspumped.Myheartwasthundering,aflutterdeepinmychestand
stomach.

Somehowweendedupoutoftheshower,mybackagainstthecoolfloorandCamoverme,hisbody

rockingwithmine,mythighssqueezinghimastheshowerstillran.Onehandwasonmybreast,theother
burieddeepinmysoakedhair.Hismouthwashotanddemanding,consuming.

“Cam!”Icriedout,mybackarchingasmyreleasepoweredthoughme,explosiveandcrashing.His

armswentaroundmeasheliftedmeup,seatingmeinhislap.Mykneesskidoverthenowwetfloor.
Lightningzingedthroughmyveins.Hisbodyshookasheheldmetohimtightly,thrustingoncemore,
grindingmyhipsagainsthisashecame.

Forawhile,theonlysoundwasourraggedbreathing.Wewerelimpineachother’sarms,myheadon

hisshoulders,myhandrestingabovewherehisheartwaspounding.

“You—”
“I’mokay,”Icuthimoff,giggling.“I’mnotgoingtobreak.”
“Idon’tknow.”Hebrushedmyhairbackfrommyface.“You—”Aknockonourhoteldoorcuthim

off.“Shit.Thefood’shere.”

Iwiggledoffhislapandheclimbedtohisfeet,slippinginthepuddleswe’dleftonthefloorand

almostwipingout.Hemadeittothedoorinonepiece.“Cam!”

“What?”Helookedoverhisshoulder.
Throwinghimatowel,Igiggled.“You’reabouttoanswerthedoorwithyourjunkhangingout.”
“Goodcall.”Hewrappedthetowelaroundhishipsashecastmeawickedgrin.“Althoughthemasses

wouldlovetoseemyjunk.”

IlaughedasIdippedbackunderthelukewarmspray.Hisjunkwasratherimpressive.

#

Molly’shousewasinadecentpartoftown.Middleincome,neatandclean.Westoppedinfrontofa

onestoryrancherandIscannedthenumbersonmyphonetomakesurewehadtherighthouse.

“Thisisit.”
Camparkedthecaralongthecurb,aslightfrownonhisface.“Areyousureyouneedtodothis?”
“Yes.Ioweittoher.”
Heturnedthecaroff.“Youdon’toweheranything.”
Ilookedathim.“Ido.It’snotthatIblamemyselfforwhathappenedtoher,butifIdon’ttalktoher,

she’snevergoingtounderstandwhyIdidn’tsayanything.AndIneedherto.”BecauseIreallywouldlike
togooneweekwithoutgettinganastymessagefromher.

Drawinginashallowbreath,hepulledhishandsoffthesteeringwheel.“Andofcourseyouwantme

tostayouthere?”

Inodded.
Hesighed.“Idon’tlikethis.”
Leaningover,Ikissedhischeek.“Butyoulikeme.”
“Iloveyou.”Heturnedhisheadtowardme.Slidinghishandaroundthebackofmyneck,hebrought

hismouthtomine.“Doesn’tmeanI’mhappyaboutsittingoutherewhileyougointosomerandom,
possiblypsychochick’shouse.”

“She’snotpsycho.”
“Saysyou.”
“Saysme.”
Hislipscurvedupononeside.“Ifyou’renotoutinfiveminutes,I’mcomingin,gunsblazing.”
“Youdon’thaveagun.”
“Shedoesn’tknowthat.”
Ilaughedsoftly.“I’llneedmorethanfiveminutes.”
“Six.”
“More,”Ireplied.
“Youdon’tneedthis,sweetheart.”WhenIsaidnothing,hegroaned.“Seven.”
“You’rebeingridiculous.I’llbeokay.”
Camsighedagain.“Okay.Pleasebecareful.”
“Iwill.”
BeforeIcouldslideoutfromhisgrasp,hetightenedhisgripandcapturedmymouth.Thekissstarted

offsoftly,turningdeeperandhotterashistongueslippedinside,movinginwaysthatremindedmeof
whathe’ddonelastnightandthismorning.Imoanedintothekiss,andwhenhepulledaway,Iwas
panting.

Awickedglintfilledhisblueeyes.“Thefasteryouareinthere,thefasteryougetmoreofthat.”
“Thatissowrong.”Islippedaway,butIwasgrinning.

“Iloveyou.”
Iwouldnevergettiredofhearingthat.“Iloveyoutoo.”
Pullingmyselffromthatcarwasalmostimpossible,butIdidit.Mysandalssmackedoffthecracked

pavementasIhurriedtothefrontdoor.I’dbeenoutinthelatemorningsunforonlyafewsecondsand
sweatalreadydottedmybrow.

Iraisedmyhandtoknock,buttheinteriordoorflewopen,revealingashort,skinnygirlwithblackhair

andlargegrayeyes—waryeyes.Theyshiftedtomeandthenovermyshoulder.Shewasaprettygirl,one
thatlookedbone-tiredandweary.

“Who’sthat?”shedemanded.
Irecognizedhervoiceimmediately.“That’sCam.Myboyfriend.”
Herfacepuckeredasifshetastedsomethingsour.“Hecan’tcomeinhere.”
“Iknow.”Iwasquicktoreassureher.“That’swhyhe’sstayinginthecar.”
Molly’sexpressionslippedintoascowl,butshesteppedaside.Openingthescreendoor,Ifollowed

herinsidethedarklivingroom.

“Isthisyourparents’house?”Myeyesscannedthemanypicturesliningthewallsandthewell-worn

furniture.

“Yes.”Shestalkedintothelivingroomandpickeduparemote.TurningtheTVoff,shetossedthe

remoteontothecouchbesideher.“They’reatwork.”

“It’snice.”
Shesmirked.“Saysthegirlwho’sfromRedHill.”
Thejabatthestretchofroadmyparentslivedonwasn’tmissed.Isatinachair,crossingmyankles.

“Okay.I’mgladyouwantedtoseeme.”

Mollydidn’tsit,butstoodonlyafewfeetfromme.“Areyoureally?”
“Yes.”
Shelaughedharshly.“Isomehowdoubtthatconsideringourlastconversationandthefactyou’vespent

agoodninemonthsorsoignoringme.”

Okay.Thiswasnotgoingtobeeasy.“I’mnotabigfanofreadingemailsfrompeopleIdon’tknow

afterbeinginhighschoolandgettingbombardedwithhatemail.Andthere’sthefactthatyousentmea
tonofnottoopleasantmessages.”

Crossingherarms,sheliftedherchin.“YouknowwhyIsentyouthosemessages.”
“BecauseIdidn’trespondinthebeginningandbecauseyoublameme.”Whenshedidn’tsayanything,

Ileanedforward.“Iwasn’tlyingwhenIsaidIknewnothingaboutyouuntilIspoketomycousinin
Januaryofthisyear.Ididn’tcheckthefirstemails.That’sthetruth.”

Shepressedherlipstogether.“Soyou’restillstickingwiththe‘notalyingwhore’story?”
IexhaledthroughmynoseasIstaredupather.Angerprickedatmyskin,butlikewithmymotherthe

daybefore,Ikeptmycool.“LikeItoldyouonthephone,Ihadn’tliedtothepolice.”

“Thenwhydidyoudropthecharges?”shedemanded.
“It’salongstory.”
Shespreadherarmsout.“ObviouslyIhavetime.Tellme.”
Herdemandingtonewasmakingitastrugglenottobebitchyback.Keepingmyvoicelevel,Itold

MollyeverythingaboutthatHalloweennightandthedaysafterward.Forthemostpart,herexpression
remainedunyieldingandasunforgivingasaseasonedcop.TheonlycrackintheexteriorwaswhenItold
herwhatBlainehaddone.Ididn’thavetoaskhertoknowthatitwasthesame.WhenIwasfinished,she
turnedaway,shouldersbowedbutspinestraight.

“I’mnotallowedtotellanyonethis,butIneededtotellyou.”

“Didyoutellyourboyfriend?”
“Yes.”
Shekeptherbacktome,silent.
“Iwishmyparentswouldn’thaveagreedandIwishIhadn’teither.IwishIwasasstrongasyouare

andthatI—”

“Youdon’tknowanythingaboutme.”Shespunaround,eyesaflintygray.
Iheldupmyhands.“ButIdoknowyouarestrong—strongerthanme.YoudidtherightthingandI

knowitcouldn’thavebeeneasy.”

“Itwasn’teasy.”
“Iknow.”Ithinkthischickjustwantedtobeargumentative.
Hersharpchinjuttedout.“Nothingaboutthiswaseasy.Talkingtothepolice—thedetectivesandthen

thelawyers.Havingtokeepgoingovereveryfuckingthinghedidtome?Indetail?Wasn’teasy.AndI
wouldn’thavetohavegonethroughanyofthatifyouhadstuckwiththetruth!”

“I’msorry—”
ShemovedsofastandIwassounpreparedforitthatIjustsatthere.
Mollysmackedme,snappingmyheadtotheside.Tearsofpainandsurpriseprickedmyeyes.
Shehadsmackedmerightacrosstheface.
Ialmostcouldn’tbelieveit.Theentiresideofmyfaceburnedred-hot,stinging.Damn.Forsomeoneso

skinnyshecoulddeliveronehellofagoodbitchslap.

Furystampeddowntheshockandmyhandsitchedtoreplaythefavor.ButIgotMolly’sanger.Her

painwasstillsofreshanditwascuttingtoodeep.I’dbeeninhershoes,wasstillthereeverysooften.
Theangerneverreallyleft.Maybeitneverwould.SoIgotwhyshewassofurious.

ThatwasoneofthereasonswhyIwasn’tcurrentlyintroducingmyfisttoherface.
“Youdeservedthat,”shesaid,voiceshaking.
MycheekstungasIstood.“MaybeIdid.ButIdidn’tdeservewhatBlainedidtomeandIdon’t

deservealltheshityou’regivingmeforsomethingIdecidedwhenIwasfourteenandhadverylittle
choicein.”

“Yourparentsdidn’tputaguntoyourheadandmakeyousignthosepapers,didthey?”
Ishookmyhead.“Whatwouldyouhavedoneifyouwerefourteenandyourparentsdemandedthatyou

dothat?”

Hermouthopened.
“Don’tevenanswerthat,becauseitdoesn’tmatter.Iamsorry—butifyouhitmeagain,Iwillhitback

—I’msorrythatthishappenedtoyou.AndI’msorrythatyouhavetogothroughatrialandallofthat.And
trustme,thebiggestthingthatI’msorryaboutissigningthosefuckingpapersandagreeing.ButIcan’t
changethat.AllIcandoisletitgo.”

“Well,youhavefunlettingitgothen.”
Standinghere,staringatthegirlthatIsharedaterriblecommonalitywith,Ifelt…empty.Therewere

noharkingangelsorgoldenlightofrevelation.IfeltthesamewayIdidwalkingoutofmyparents’house.
Nothing.Inasuddeninstance,IknewCamwasright.Ididn’tneedtodothistomoveon.Ihadn’treally
evenneededtoconfrontmyparents.Althoughthathadfeltterrific.

IhadbeguntomoveonthemomentIhadtoldCamthetruth.
Itjusthadn’thappenedovernight.Lettinggohadbeenaslowprocessthattookabitchslapintheface

tofigureout.

Ididn’tneedtobehere.
Ineededtobeoutthere,withCam,andbackhome,inWestVirginia,withmyfriends.Ineededto

continuelettingitallgo.

Istartedforthedoor.
“Whereareyougoing?”Herbonyfingersdugintomyarm,stoppingme.“Avery?”
Removingherhandfrommyarm,Ikeptmyvoiceeven.“I’mleaving,Molly.I’mgoingbackoutthere

toamanwholovesmenomatterwhathappenedinmypastorwhatstupiddecisionsI’vemade.I’mgoing
home,whichisn’tthehouseonRedHill,andI’mgoingtogoseemyfriends.That’swhereI’mgoing.”

Molly’sthroatworked,butshesaidnothingasIwalkedtothedoor.Istoppedandturnedbacktoher.

“Look,ifyouwanttocallmetojusttalkorsomething,youobviouslyhavemynumber.Callanytimeyou
want,butI’velearnedfrommymistakes.Ifyousendmeanymoremessagesthatpissmeoffeventhe
tiniestbit,IwillcallthepoliceandIwillpresschargesagainstyou.”

Sheclampedhermouthshutandtookastepback.
“Iwishyouthebest.Iseriouslydo.Goodbye,Molly.”
Shedidn’tstopmeasIleftanddidn’tcomeoutsidelikemyfatherhad.Islidintothecooledexteriorof

thecarandletoutaraggedbreath.

“How’dthat—whyisyourfacesored?”Camcaughtmychinandgentlyturnedmetowardhim.“Did

shehityou?”

“Yeah.”Iwincedathisexplosivecurse.“ButIthinkitmadeherfeelbetteraftershegotitalloutof

hersystem.”

Hiseyesnarrowed.“Thatdoesnotmakeitfuckingokay.”
“Iknow.”Iwrappedmyhandaroundhisandpressedittomysorecheek.“Butit’sover.I’vesaidwhat

IneedtoandIdon’tthinkI’llbehearingfromheragain.”

Camopenedhishand,gentlypalmingmycheek.“Avery…”
“Youwereright.Ididn’treallyneedtodothis,butI’mgladIdid.I’mokaywithit.”Closingmyeyes,I

turnedmyhead,pressingakisstohispalm.“Takemehome,Cam.That’swhereIneedtobe.”

Chapter34

Theonlyproblemwithsummeronceyougrewupwasthatitwasoverbeforeitfeltlikeitgotstarted.

Orthatcouldhavesomethingtodowithtakingsummerclasses,whichseemedtosuckthesummerright
outoflife.

Pryingoneeyeopen,Igroaned.FirstIsawmybracelet—notthesilverone.Camhadreplaceditwith

severalloopsofropethatcarriedaninfinitecharm.ThenIsawthetime.WhyhadIsettheclockforthis
early?Ididn’thaveclassuntilnine.

Thebedshiftedbesideme.
AndCamdidn’thaveclassuntilten.Itwasgoingtobealightsemesterforhimashewaswinding

downonhiscollegecareer.

AsleepysmilepulledatmylipsasIrolledontomystomach,stretchingmylegsoutandpointingmy

toes.Thesheetsslippedovermybareskinandendedupsomewhereatthefootofmybed.Therewas
eitherapervertedghostinmybedroomorCamwaswideawake.

Lipspresseddownbetweenmyshoulderbladesasahandflattenedonthebaseofmyspine.Fingers

trailedup,causingawaveoflittlebumpstoraceacrossmyskin.

“Goodmorning,sweetheart.”Cam’svoicewasthickwithsleep.
Ah,thiswaswhyIsetthealarmforsoearly,whichwassodifferentfromayearago.Ihadbeen

worriedaboutbeinglate,annoyinglyanalaboutitinfact.NowIsettheclockanhourearlyforalittlebit
ofoneononetime.

“Morning,”Imumbled,closingmyeyesasheranhishandupanddown,stoppingatthecleftofmy

cheeksandgoingstraighttothenapeofmyneck.

Hekissedthecenterofmybackandthenhislipswereontheflareofmyhip.Warmbreathdanced

overmylowerbackandthenhekissedmyrightcheek.

Igiggled,wiggling.
“Youknowwhattheysayaboutaguywhokissesagirl’sass?Literally?”
“Heknowshisplace?”
“Ha.Ha.”Hesweptmyhairoffmyneckandkissedmethere.“He’sabsolutelyinlovewiththegirl.”
“Isthatso?”
“So,”hemurmured,graspingmyhipwithonehand.
“Wheredidyoulearnthat?”
“OntheInternet.”
“Classy.”
“YouknowwhatelseI’velearned?”Heliftedmeupandslippedhisarmunderme.“Thatwomen’s

breastsareattheirperkiestinthemorning.”

“What?”Ilaughed.
“Yep,”hereplied,cuppingmyrightbreast.“Ihavetocheckoutthattheory.”Hesqueezedgentlyand

mynippletightened.Hemovedontomyotherbreastanddidthesamething.“IthinkwhatI’vereadis
right.Yourbreastsareexceptionallyperkythismorning.”

Breakingintoafitoflaughter,Ismackedhishandsaway,butmylaughterquicklydiedoffwhenhis

handreturnedwithalotmorepurpose.Hisfingersworkedtheirmagiconthetipsanditwasn’tlong
beforemyhipsweremovinginrestlesscirclesagainstthesheet.

“Ilovehowyourmindworks,”Camsaid,shiftingbehindme.
Ilookedovermyshoulder.“Huh?”
Henoddedattheclock.“Settingitearly.You,mydear,arebrilliant.”

“Iknow.”Ismiled,andthenrestedmycheekonmypillow.Myheartwasalreadyracing,mybody

ready.Iwasready.“Soyougoingtodosomethingwiththeextratimeorwowmewithyourknowledgeof
theseediersideoftheInternet.”

“Bossy.”Hislipsbrushedmyshoulderandhishandswentbacktomyhips.“AndIwouldsendyou

screamingtocampuswithmyknowledgeoftheseediersideoftheInternet.”

“Goodtoknow.”
Camliftedmeagain.“Canwe?”
Healwayshesitatedandaskedbeforewediditlikethis.Somethingaboutthatalwayswarmedme;the

thoughtfulnessofitallandthefacthewasawarethattherewerestillmomentswhenIwasawkwardas
allhellwhenitcametointimacyorwhenIjustdidn’twanttobetouched.Thosemomentswerefewand
farbetween,butstillexisted,andhewatchedforthemandadapted.

Webothhadadapted.
Duringthesummer,IhadstartedmeetingwithoneofthecampuscounselorsonceaweekandIwould

continueuntilitwasnolongerneededandmaybeoneday,Icouldhelpsomeonewithmystoryand
experiences.

“Yes,”Isaid,andforextraeffort,justincasehewasconfused,Ipushedmyrumpagainsthim.Cam

growleddeepinhisthroat.Mysmilespread.

HesettledbetweenmylegsandIdrewmyarmsuptomyshoulders,puttinghisweightontothem.

Liftingupslightly,Iturnedmyheadandhislipsimmediatelyfoundmine.Ilovedthewayhekissedme,
likehewasdrinkinginmyveryessence.OnekissfromhimandIwasmeltinginhishands.That’show
goodtheywere.

Cambrokethekissasheshiftedhishipsforward,slippingintomefrombehind.Thepacewasslow

andunhurriedandyetstillsoabsolutelyshatteringwitheachstroke.Idroppedmyforeheadtothepillow,
mybreathingraggedasIrockedbackagainsthim.Hishandslandedonmine,threadingthroughmyfingers
ashispacepickedup.

“Iloveyou,”hisvoicewasabeautiful,hoarsewhisperinmyearthatsentmeovertheedge.Release

tookusboth,secondsapart.

Itwasmywhisperinhisearthattookusbothwhenwefinallymadeittheshower.
Iendedupfourminuteslateforclass,butIwalkedinanyway,shottheprofessorasheepishgrinand

tookmyseat.

#

Theweatherwaspleasantandnotswelteringhot,soourlittlegrouptookourlunchoutside,sitting

undertheshadeofoneofthethickoaksnearthelibrary.

Jacobtippedhisbowlerhatup,theonefromlastyear’sHalloweenpartyashefrownedatthedozenor

sostyrofoamcupsinfrontofhim.Hewasbuildingapyramid.Ididn’task.

IpoppedmystrawthroughmycupasIkickedoffmyflipflops.BritreachedformytoesandIshother

anevillook.“Youtouchmyfeet,youdie.”

“She’sserious.”Camnudgedme.“Itouchedherpinkytoeonceandalmostlostafinger.”
“That’snottheonlythingyoualmostlost.”
“Oh,thatsoundsserious.”Britglancedathertubofmayoandthenherfries.Shesighed.“ImissOllie.

Ilovedgrossinghimoutwithmyfries.”

“Well,youhaveallofustogrossout.”Jacob’slipcurled.“Whichyouaredoingrightnow.”
“It’snotthesame.”Shepouted.“Olliewashot.”
“Excuseme?”Jacobalmostknockedoverhispyramidofawesome.“I’mhot.”
Camfrowned.“SoIam.”

Ielbowedhiminthestomach.
“Well,sinceImustexplaintheobvious.”Britploppedherfryinthemayowithflourish.“Jacob,you

don’tlikegirls.Cam,you’rehopelesslydevotedtoAvery,andthatleftOllie.”

Igrinned.
Jacoblookedup,hislipsslippingintoasmallgrin.“Well,thereisonemore.”
Twistingatthewaist,Ifollowedhisgaze.Jasewasacrosstheroad,headingforus.
Britsighed.“Yeah,Icouldn’thandlehim.”
“Whynot?”Iasked,eyeingCam’sfriend.
Shemadeanoncommittalsound.“He’snottherelationshipkindorsohear.”
“Anddoyouwantarelationship?”Iaskedher.
“No.”Shelaughed,dabbingherfry.“ButIhaveafeelingwithsomeonelikehim,yougetonetasteand

youwillalwayswantmore.”

“Sortoflikecrack?”Jacobsuggested.
“OrCheetos,”Britsupplied.
Cammadeafaceasheswipedsomeofmyfries.IsenthimadeathglarethatIruinedwhenIkissedhis

cheek.

Jasedroppeddownbesideus,stretchingouthislonglegs.Helookedalittleoff,hisnearperfect

featurespale.“Okay.AmIhallucinatingordidIjustseeyoursisterwalkingintoKnutti?”

“You’renothallucinating,”Camreplied.“Yousawher.Sheenrolledherelate.”
“Oh.”Jase’seyes’narrowedashestaredoffintothedistance.“That’s…that’sgood.”
IcaughtCam’seyesandheshrugged.Withhisgazestillfocusedonsomethingnooneelsesaw,Jase

reachedoverCamandhijackedahandfulofmyfries.

“Whatthehell?”Iexclaimed.
Camlaughed.“Yourfriesarenotsafe.”
“Obviously,”Imuttered,eyeingthemboth.
JasewinkedatmeandhewasasridiculouslyattractiveasCamdoingit.“Youallcomingtotheluau

thisweekend?”

Inoddedanditstruckmeagainhowmuchdifferenceayearmade.Thistimelastyear,Iwouldn’teven

consideredaparty,especiallyonebeingthrownbyafrat.IsmiledtomyselfasIfinishedofftherestof
myfriesbeforetheboysdevouredthem.

“Areyouguysreallyhavingapig?”Britasked.“Becauselastyear,thatwasn’tapig.Itwasawild

turkeyandthatwasgross.”

Jaselaughed.“We’llhaveapigthistime.”
Besideme,mysidepocketofmymessengerbagvibrated.Curioustowhoitcouldbe,because

everyonewhocontactedmewassittinghere,Iflippedopenthepocketandpulledoutmyphone.

Itwasatext—atextfromanormaltelephonenumber.ATexasareacode.
It’sMolly.Canwetalkwhenuhavethetime?Please.
AlittletremorwentdownmyarmasIstaredatthemessage.Mollyhadn’tcontactedmesinceIleft

Texas.Nothingfromherandthetextsbeforethatwereneverthisfriendly,eventhoughthisdidn’tscream
bestfriendsforeva.

Iimmediatelytextedback.Yes.Callyouthisevening.
SeveralminutespassedasIstaredatthephone.Mollyhadtextedbackwithanokay,andIwasstill

stunned.

“Everythingokay?”Camasked,placinghishandonmylowerback.Concernpinchedhisbrows.
“Yes.”Idroppedmycellbackintomybag.Everythingwasokay.Maybenotperfect,butlifewasn’t

meanttobeperfect.Itwasmessyandsometimesitwasadisaster,buttherewasbeautyinthemessiness
andtherecouldbepeaceinthedisaster.

Idon’tknowwhatmylifewould’vebeenlikeifIhadn’tdecidedtouprootmylifeandbreakfreefrom

mypast.Iknewitwouldn’tbelikethis.AndIalsoknewifIhadn’tmetCam,Iwouldn’tbesittinghere
rightnow.MaybeIwould’vecomearoundeventuallyonmyown,butIwaswomanenoughtoadmitthatI
hadhelp.

AndIwaswomanenoughthatwheneverIlookedupatthenightskiesandsawtheCoronaBorealis—

orsomethingthatvaguelyresembledit—Ithankedit.

LeaningbackagainstCam’schest,ItippedmyheadbackasIreachedup,cuppinghischeek.Idrewhis

mouthtomineandkissedhimsoftly.“Thankyou.”

Hislipscurvedupononeside.“Forwhat?”
“Forwaitingforme.”

Acknowledgements

Writingacknowledgementsnevergetseasy,nomatterhowmanyofthemI’vewritten.Iwanttofirst

thankMollyMcAdamsandCoraCarmackfortheirequallyawesomeblurbandsupport.Sarah—your
coverartisamazingandIfellinlovewiththecoverfromthemomentIsawit.TomyagentKevanLyon,a
hugethankyouforbeingthemostsupportiveagentinthebusiness.ThankyoutoMarieRomerofor
workinghercopy-editingmagiconmytypos,andtoValerieforalwaysbeingwillingtoorganizeabook
tourformelastminuteanddoinganamazingjob.Noneofthiswould’vebeenpossiblewithoutyou,the
readers.Icannotthankyouguysenoughforreadingmybooks.Tothisdayitstillamazesmethatanyone
does.Lastbutnotleast,abigthankyoutoStaceyMorgan.ShewasthefirstpersontohearaboutWaitfor
You—anideaIcameupwithwhileintheshower—andwaswithmefromdayoneonthisbook.THANK
YOU.

AbouttheAuthor

JenniferL.Armentrout,alsoknownasJ.Lynn,istheUSATODAYBestsellingauthoroftheLuxand

GambleBrothersseries.Sheisalsotheauthoroftheaward-winningCovenantSeries.Shewritesyoung
adultfictionforSpencerHillPress,EntangledPublishing,andDisney/Hyperionandadultfictionfor
EntangledPublishing.Whenshe’snotbusywriting,whichisalmostnexttonever,shecanbefound
procrastinatingonTwitterormessingwithherdogLoki.SheliveswithherhusbandinWestVirginiaand
isaddictedto5HourEnergyDrinks.

TableofContents

Copyright
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Acknowledgements
AbouttheAuthor