Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,

businesses,places,eventsandincidentsareeitherthe

productsoftheauthor’simaginationorusedinafictitious

manner.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,

oractualeventsispurelycoincidental.

Thisbookisdedicatedtomyheterosexuallifemate

Jess’ca.Sheismyverybestfriendandhasbeenapartofmy

lifeforover20years.We’vebeenthroughliterally

everythingtwopeoplecangothroughtogether;she’soneof

myfavoritepeopleintheentireworld.Nomatterhowfar

awayshe’smovedorhowlongshewasgone,nomatterwhat

fightordramathatensued,allittookwasonephonecall

andafewdrinkslaterandwewereasgoodasnew.I’dbe

backtodrivinghercrazywithmycontinuous“onesongon

repeat”nightsandreminiscingaboutthetimeinourliveswe

thoughtit’dbeagoodideaandmarriedbrothers!You’ll

foreverbemybestie,thankyouforreadingallmybooksin

onenightandnottellingmethatyouhatethemlolandhey,

westillneedthatdrunkenYouTubechannel,we’dmake

millions!#BestieGoals

Chapter1

Alvin

I’mout.

TheysayI’mnotfittoserveanymore.

The things I’ve seen over there, the people I’ve hurt; none of that shit matters to

them. As long as I’m pissed at the right people, as long as I take it out on the right
motherfuckers;theyletmestay.Theyshipmeoffandtheyletmerageattheenemy.AndI
do-I did. But now, on the plane home to attend the funeral of my entire family; my
beautiful mother, who clung to me and cried the first through the fourth time I got sent
overseas;sentmeandmyteamcarepackagesandlettersfromhomeeverychanceshegot.
Myfather,whotoldmehewasproudofme,literallyeverytimehesawme,eventhoughI

knew he was scared to death every time I left that I’d never come home. And my twin,
nine year old sisters; Alexis and Alecia, who were my parents later in life surprise and
lovesofmylife.Allofthemarelosttomenow.I’mcominghometoburyallofthemand
Ican’tmusterthegumptiontogiveafuckthatmycareerisover.

I’lladmit,whenmycommandingofficercalledmeoutofatacticaltrainingexercise

todeliverthenewsthatmyentirefamilyhadbeenkilledinanautoaccident,Ijustsatin
shock. They’d been in a two vehicle collision; my family in one car, who all lost their
lives and the drunk driver of an SUV who stumbled away with a broken wrist and a
concussion.

BecauseI’dtalkedtomymotherjustthatmorningandI’dreceivedlettersfromhome

justthreedaysbefore,thatincludedtheschoolpicturesofthegirlsandlettersfrombothof
them;Iwasconvincedtheyhadthewrongperson;thewrongfamily.Itwasn’tuntilIwent
back to my bunk and tried unsuccessfully to call them all, that reality slowly sunk in. I
calledourneighborsandfamilyfriendsofmyparentsandtheyallsaiddifferentvariations
of the same thing; “We’re sorry”, “We’re thinking of you”, “At least they were all
together.”Yeah,peopletriedtofindthesilverlininginthedeathoftheonlyfourpeopleI
gave a shit about in this world. I guess if you had to live with the knowledge that your
entirefamilyleftthisearthatthesametime;thenyeah,maybeit’salessmorbidwayto
think about it. Ya know, like maybe they were all holding hands and not afraid because
theyweretogether.Whothefuckknows,Iwasn’treadytohearit.Isatonmybedforan
hourtryingtothinkofanyandeveryscenariotorefutewhatIdidn’twanttobelieve.

It wasn’t until my bunkie, Josh came in and noticed I was “slackin’” –his words;

since he knew I was supposed to be at tac-training. He tapped my foot as he walked by
and said “Yo man, who died?” I know it was just an expression because I didn’t
acknowledgehimlikeInormallydidwhenhecamein;apparentlyIalsolookedmoroseor
something.Ididn’tgivehimtimetomakeitjustthefewstepstohisbedbeforeIwasoff
ofmineandrippingaparteverythingIcameincontactwith,himincluded.I’mprettysure
Idrewblood,lotsofit,andItrashedourbunk.Idon’tremembermuchafterthatexcept
for being thrown down, detained, sedated and waking up in the infirmary. I had an
extensivealldaysessionwithatherapistthatreallypissedmeoffmorethanhelpedme;it
pissedmeoffbecausewhydidn’tanyoneseethatIneededtogethometomyfamily.They
made me sign papers for emergency leave and are trying to get me a dependency or
hardshipdischarge.Tobecompletelyhonest,I’msickoftheshitanyway.I’veseenmore
deathanddestructiontokeepmeupandnightandhauntmynightmaresontheoffchance
that I do get to sleep to last twelve lifetimes. You know all of those statistics you hear
aboutuscominghomewithlonglastingmentalhealthissues?Yeah,thoseareveryreal.I
haven’tclosedmyeyesoncein11yearsthatIdidn’tseesomethingterribleflashbehind
myeyelidsorhearthescreamsofwoundedwomenandchildren.I’mpassedworeout.I
won’tfightit.I’mreadytobebackhome.

Asmyplanetouchesdownlatethatnight,Iputtogetheramentalchecklistoftheshit

Ineedtogetdonebeforetheviewingandburialtomorrow.Myfamilywillallbeburied
together, my parents on the outside of their plot and my sisters will be buried between

them;justthesamewaytheyusedtosleepwhenthegirlswouldgetscaredandsneaktheir
wayintoourparentsroomatnight.Safeinthearmsofmyparentsbutsomehow,they’d
wakeupsnuggleduptogether.They’dbecurledontotheirsides,facingeachother,hand
inhand,foreheadtoforehead,kneestoknees.Itwassweet,howmuchmysistersloved
each other. Being identical twins, they shared an incredible bond; only letting one other
personintotheirlittlecircleofadorationandthatwastheirbigbrother,Alvie.That’sme;
AlvinHarrisJr.

Iwasabigmotherfucker;ItrainedhardtobeafighterfortheUnitedStatesMarine

Corps.Yes,I’vekilledandI’vetorturedbutI’vealsosavedandI’vesacrificed;allforthe
sakeofmycountryandmybrothersandsistersinarms.Ican’tsayIregretitbecauseI
knowI’vemadeadifference.

I’vealwaysknownIwantedtobeafighter.IwasscarynowthatIwasolder.People

movedoutofmywaywhenIwalkedby,peoplestooddownwhenfacedwithme.Iusedit
to my advantage when I had to and maybe even sometimes when I didn’t. To my little
sistersthough,Iwasn’tscaryatall.IwasjusttheirAlvie.I’dknownfromtheminuteall
thekidsatschoolsaidtheywantedtobedoctors,astronautsandpolicemen.Iwantedto
beaserviceman.Iwouldsitonmygranddadslapandlistentohimtellmestoriesofhis
timeintheNavyandIcouldn’twaituntilIwasoldenoughtoenlist.Thattimecamefour
monthsafterIlostmygranddadandIturned18.

I make my way to the rental car place and luckily there is no line. I don’t feel like

fuckingaroundtheairportforthenextfewhourstryingtogetaridehome.I’veneverhad
to do this before, usually when I come home; my family is waiting for me. I’m struck
againbytherealnessofmysituation,I’maloneherenow.Theoverweight,pinchedfaced
ladytryingtohelpmeactslikeshewantstobeanywherebutherebutguesswhatlady….I
don’t want to fucking be here either. After a solid twenty minutes of back and forth
attitude,shefinallygivesmethekeysandthepapersIjustsignedaboutthedosanddon’ts
ofrentingandI’monmyway.

I’llbepurchasingacarjustassoonaseverythinggetssettled;I’massumingI’mstill

inheriting the house. Mom and Dad had a living will; in the event something should
happentothem,thehousewouldbelefttometoraisemysisters.Mygrandparentshad
diedalongtimeago,myMom’sparentsbeforemysisterswereborn.Dad’smompassed
whenIwas14,I’donlymetherahandfuloftimes;thenmyGranddadwhenIwas17,and
helivedwithussoIwasclosesttohim.Iwouldhavebeenalltheyhadlefthadmysisters
survived.Now,at29yearsold,I’mallIhaveleft.

Pulling into the little driveway of my parents fifteen hundred square feet, three

bedroom house; I’m hit with the nostalgia of my entire childhood. I learned to ride my
bike down this very street; from stop sign to stop sign as I wasn’t allowed to go any
furtherthanourblock.Mydadsetupthebasketballhoophangingfromourwhite,2-car
garagebecauseI’dtoldhimwhenfootballwasn’tinseason,Iwantedtoplaybasketball.
Weonlyhadasmalldriveway,butitwasenoughtopracticeonwithmyfriends.Getting
out of the car, I walk to the front door and remember sitting on these three little steps
leading to the porch; I’d waited for the ice-cream truck to pass by every Friday evening

after dinner. I wonder if he still came around. When I made my way inside, I was
bombardedwiththesmellofhome.Momwasalwayscookingsomethinginthekitchen,
that’s not being sexist it’s just the way it was. My mom’s perfume, laundry soap, Dad’s
cologne;IswearIcansmellitall.There’snooneheretogreetmeatthedoorthistime,no
onetobitchatmefortrackingmudthroughthehouseliketheydidwhenIwasakid,or
holler at me to come in when the street lights would pop on. What was I going to do
withoutmyparents?

Ipickupthecordlesshousephonetoseeifanyonehasleftanymessagesaboutthe

service tomorrow, I hadn’t talked to anyone since I’d first found out and informed Mrs.
JennyIwascominghome.ThefirstmessageisfromMrs.Jenny;she’scallingfromthe
churchtoinformmethatshe’salreadytakentheclothesmyfamilywillbeburiedinandif
Iwanttogoearly,Icanmakesurethey’reokay.SheendswithGodBlessandsaysIcan
callifIneedanything.Mrs.Jennyistheepitomeofeveryone’sgrandma;she’sincredibly
sweetandusedtobabysitmeaswellasmysistersafterschoolwhenneeded.Mymother
was extremely close to her. The next is from the funerals owner Mr. Garrett, telling me
he’llbeinaftersevenandIcancomeinanytimeinthemorning,theviewingisn’tuntil
nine.Tohearthesavedmessage,pressone.IdoandimmediatelywishedIhadn’t;ithits
me like a bullet to the gut; (and I know what one of those feels like, it happened my
secondtourinKabul)it’samessagetomyDadfrommyfamily.

Itsoundslikethey’recallingfromthecar,It’sAlecia;she’ssmilingIcantell;“Hey

Daddy,we’recomingbackfromdance,youbetterbereadyorwe’regoingtodinneranda
moviewithoutyou!”IhearhergigglewhileinthebackgroundIhearAlexis“Daddy,be
ready, we’re starving!” followed again by Alecia; “Mommy’s driving so she’s letting us
callandremindyoutobeready!”,IhearmymomgigglerightbeforeIhearmydadpick
up the phone, the machine stays recording as it does when you pick up a phone from
anotherroom.“Darlingdaughters,Iwasalmostreadybutyourcallismakingmelate.”He
feignsafrustratedtonebutIcanhearhissmiletoo,thegirlsjustgiggle.There’salumpin
my throat that’s impossible to swallow around and my breaths are shallow and coming
muchfasterthannormal.Icanfeelthebloodrushingthroughmybrainandmyheartis
poundingtoofastinmychest.IfeellikeImaypassout.Ihearthembickerforanother30
secondsorsobeforetheyalltelleachothertheyloveeachotherandDadsayshewillsee
theminafewminutes;thentheyhangup.Itakethephonefrommyearandlookatthe
numbers,carefullypushingtheseventosavethemessagerightbeforeIplayitoveragain,
thenagain,thenagainandthenagain.IlosecounthowmanytimesIreplaythemessage
but my chest hurts and my face is wet. I play the message until I feel like my legs are
aboutto give out,then I carefullymake sure it’s savedand place thephone back on the
base. I need to get my bags from the car and go to my room but suddenly I’m too
exhaustedtogofartherthanmylittleroom.Yes,I’m29yearsoldbutIhavebeencareer
military;when I’m homeon leave, Icome home. My momstill has myroom set up for
me; not the childhood me, luckily my room grew with me. I thought that eventually the
girlswouldmovemeoutofmyroomsothattheycouldeachhavetheirownspace,but
theynevergottothepointwheretheydidn’twanttosharearoomtogether.They’dstay
uplategigglingaboutboysorsharingacloset;andnowtheyneverwould.

Ihavejustenoughenergytostripoffmyclothesandfallintobed.Iamnotlooking

forwardtotomorrow.

Sleepisalmostaspainfulasbeingawake.ItossandturnwhileIdream;thistimeit

isn’taboutinsurgentsblowingthemselvesuporkidscarryingguns;thistimeIdreamI’m
inthecarwithmyparentsandsisters.We’reallsingingalongtosomeboy-bandsongon
the radio that I’m ashamed I know the words to. I’ve spent countless hours at home
listening to my sisters sings them; they’re bound to get stuck. Right before the drunk
driverslidesintoourlane,Ihearoneofthetwinsscream;mymomscreamandeventually,
whenthecarisstopped;there’snomorescreaming,nomorecrunchingmetal;Ihearmy
dadscream.IfeellikeIseeithappeningallfrominsidethecarbutIcan’treachanyof
them,IcanseethemallbloodyandbrokenbutIcan’treachoutandhelp.Onlymyeyes
arethere,likeit’samovieI’mwatchingandnomatterwhatIdo,Ican’tjustreachouta
handtohelpthem.Itdoesn’ttakeapsychologisttounderstandwhy,it’sbecauseIwasn’t
here. I wasn’t here when they needed someone to help them. I’ve pulled dozens of
strangerstosafetyincountlessmissions,I’vestoppedbrothersfrombleedingout,andI’ve
stoppedaHumveefromdrivingoveranIEDthatnooneelsesaw,butthis….Icouldn’t
savemyfamilyfromthis.

IdecideafterthesecondtimeIwakeupwithsweatsoakingmyclothestojustgetup

andfacemyday.Istandundertheshoweruntilallthehotwaterrunsout;Ibrushmyteeth
andthrowsomegelinmyhair,it’sjustabitlongerthanregulationallowsbutIdon’twant
ittolooklikeI’vejustrolledoutofbed.Isitatthetablenotingtheplacesthatmyfamily
usedtosit;dadatthehead,mombesidehimandthegirlsontheirownside,Iwouldsitat
thefootwhenIwashome.Weneverchanged,I’mnotsurewhy.

IpickupthephoneandlistentothesavedvoicemailasIdidyesterday.Iwonderhow

longit’lltakebeforeitdoesn’thurtsobadtoheartheirvoices.Ican’teatbreakfast,my
stomachisinknots.It’sonlyalittleafterfivesoI’vegotacouplehoursbeforeIcango
see my family. I swear if I close my eyes and listen hard enough, I can hear my sisters
arguingwithmyfatheraboutbeingoldenoughtowearmake-up;thatwastheargumenthe
wasdealingwiththelasttimeIwashomeeightmonthsago,Icanhearmymomgiggling
at my father’s serious anxiety attack from just the idea of it. I remember my mental
calculationsofbeingabletocomebacktokicktheassofanyonewhohurtseitheroneof
them once their old enough for that make-up, which they were not at the time. Now,
they’llreachanageacceptableformymomtoteachthemhowtoapplymakeupwithouta
heavyhandsothey’lllooknaturalandrespectable.Mydadwon’thaveaheartattackorgo
prematurelygrayworryingaboutit.Fuck,somuchthey’reallgoingtomissouton.Idon’t
understandwhybadthingshavetohappentogoodpeople.Myfamilydidn’tdeservethis.
I’msurethemanwhochosetodrivedrunk;hisfamilydidn’tdeservetodealwiththeshit
stormthathisactionscausedeither.Idon’tknowhim,Iwasnevertoldhisname;whichis
probably a good thing, I’m trained to kill and I think given the opportunity, I wouldn’t
mind another black strike on my soul if it meant making him feel just a fraction of the
hurtI’mgoingtofeeleverydayfortherestofmylife.

BeforeIcangetanydeeperintothosekindsofthoughts,Igettomyroomtoputon

thesuitI’dpickedoutfortoday.Luckilywe’rehavingaviewing,thenthefuneralatthe
cemetery. I know some people have separate gatherings but I just can’t do it. I can’t be
forced to have a memorial and make small talk with people who want to say things to
makethemselvesfeelbetter.It’llbeatmyexpenseandIcan’thandleitrightnow.Iopted
out of it with Mrs. Jenny and she completely understood. They’re having a memorial at
the Sunday service at their church so I don’t feel too guilty about it; it was however
somethingmymotherwouldhavedone.Shewouldhavethrowntogetheramemorialfora
belovedmemberofourneighborhoodortheircongregation.Shewasoneofthosetypesof
people,justallabouthelpingoutwhenevershecouldhowevershecould.MaybeIshould
trytobealittlemorelikethat.IhavenocluewhatI’mgoingtodowithmyselfonceI’m
letgofromtheCorps.IalsoneedtofigureoutwhatI’mgoingtodowiththishouse.I’m
not sure I can continue living in it, being surrounded by all their things, the girls’
bedroomsstillpinkandpurple,myparent’sclothesstillintheclosetandmydad’struckin
thegarage.I’mgoingtoseeabouttakingoverpaymentsonit,it’llkilltwobirdswithone
stone, I won’t need to search for a car once I’m settled and I’ll have a piece of my dad
withmeallthetime.Ican’tletthemrepoit,it’dbelikesomeonetakingsomethingaway
fromhimanditisn’thisfaultheisn’thereanymore.He’dpayonitifhecould.I’mbeing
ridiculousandIknowit,butit’sapartofmydadandIwantit.

Goingthroughthedeskinmydad’shomeoffice,Ifindthenumberstopeoplefrom

the bank, legal papers about assets and what not; everyone’s life insurance, (including
mine)birthcertificatesandthingslikethat.AlltheimportantstuffthatIthinkI’llneedin
thecomingdays.

It close enough to seven that I grab everything and take it to the car. Pulling out, I

watchthehousefadeawayintherearviewmirror;fromhereIcanalmostpretendthatI’m
justgoingonaquickerrandandeveryonewillbetherewhenIgetback.Instead,mybrain
keeps me firmly in-the-now. I’m going to bury my family and that house will be even
emptierwhenIreturn.

Chapter2:

Carter

Making my way to the double doors of the funeral home, I’m awed by how many

peopleturnedup.Thefamilyweareallcomingtopayourrespectstohavebeenpillarsof
ourcommunityforsomanyyears.LaureenHarriswasahouse-wife,amother,Sunday-
schoolteacher,volunteerfortheBigBrother/BigSisterProgram,PTAVicePresidentand
anallaroundbeautifulsoul.I’dknownherwellsincebothofherdaughtersattendedthe
elementaryschoolinwhichItaught.Ifshesawsomeonewhoneededhelp,nomatterwhat
orwhoitwas,shewasthebestpersontohaveinyourcorner.I’dseenherdoitmoretimes
thanIcouldcountandtheworldisapoorerplacewithouther.

Alicia and Alexis Harris were complete opposites; no one had any trouble telling

them apart even though they were identical twins; because their personalities were both
incredibly big but incredibly different. They were funny and sarcastic; they both had a
flairthatjustdemandedyourattentioninthemostgraciousway.Theywerebeautifuland
caringandnotlikemostalmosttenyearoldswhowereselfinvolvedanddramatic,these
girlswereturningouttobejustliketheirmother.Aliciawasallgirl,fromtoptotoe.She
lovedboybandsandjewelry,hairbowsandfingernailpolish.Shewasalsointhedrama
club and a really good singer. Alexis was into sports and flannel shirts. She didn’t care
about hair bows or finger nail polish, but I have a feeling she too was a fan of the boy
bands.ShewasalsoaverytalentedwriterandIspokeoftenwithherparentstoencourage
hertokeepupwiththat.Sadly,neitherwouldgetthechancetocontinuetheirtalentsand
individuality.Theworldwillbeadimmerplacewithoutthem.

AlvinHarrisSr.washilarious;hewasnicetoeveryone,always.Heneverhadabad

wordtosayaboutanyoneandwasawellrespectedfire-fighter,afatherandafriend.He
toovolunteeredfortheBigBrother/BigSisterProgramandwasalsoabeautifulsoul.I’d
seenhimahandfuloftimesbecausehisdaughterswereinmyclassthisyear.Thereason
Mr. Harris holds a special place in my heart though is one I haven’t shared with many
people.Yousee,weareaverysmallcommunity,onlyaboutthreethousandpeopleinour
wholetown.Igrewuphere;mywholelifehasbeenhereinthistown.WhenIcameoutat
fifteen, no one was that surprised. I’m small; only 5’8, I’d always worn my hair a bit
shaggy, (very Bieber-esq; before Bieber was a thing though) although thankfully since I
started teaching five years ago, I’ve since established a grownups hair cut. I have light
green,almondshapedeyesthatmymotheralwayssaidwerewaytooprettytobeonaboy.
That’s how people described me; pretty. I’m not flamboyant per se, I don’t flash my
rainbowflagsandwearmakeup,(althoughthereisnothingwrongwiththat)it’sjustnot
hardtotellthatI’mbattingforthehometeam.Callmestereotypicalifyoumust,butI’m
justme,Idon’ttrytobeonewayoranother,IamwhoIam,IlikewhatIlikeandsome
people sadly can’t handle that. My freshman year of college, I’d come home for the
weekend,mycollegewasonlyaboutthirtymilesfromhereinthenexttownover;itwas
closertothebigcity.Iwaswalkingtothelibrarybecausemyparentshadmyauntsand
cousins over for dinner and I couldn’t concentrate on a test I was studying for, for the
following Monday. Of course, as cliché as it was, after I’d left the library, I was being
followedhomebyacoupleofjocksfromthehigh-school.Iknow,Iknow,Iwasolderand
tried not to engage them but bullies do not often like to be ignored. Then names were
beingthrownoutlike“fag”and“queer”;howoriginalright?Theycontinuedtopushme
aroundanddoyourtypicalafter-schoolspecialbullyingme.Theytookmybookbagand
pushed me around some but before either of them could do much more than that, Mr.
Harris rounded a corner and laid into both of them. I’m pretty sure he took them both
homeandtoldtheirparentsabouttheiractions.Laterthatevening,hecalledmymother’s
house where I was staying for the weekend and asked to speak with me. He didn’t tell
anyoneelse,didn’tembarrassme,justaskedifIwasokayandtoldmethathe’dtakencare
of those bullies and not only were they getting an ear full from their mothers tonight,
they’d also be volunteering at the Big Brother/Big Sister place for the summer to teach
themhowtotreatpeople.Karmaright?

Heapologizedonbehalfofpeoplebeingassholesandtoldmethathissonwasalso

gayandhewouldn’ttolerate“intolerantbigots.”Hesaidmostpeoplewerejustafraidof
what they didn’t understand and those boys were probably taught by their fathers who
weretaughtbytheirfathersthatbeinggaywaswrong.Hewantedtoletmeknowthatit
wasn’tandifIeverneededanyonetotalkto,IhadhisnumberandIcouldcallanytime.I
lostmydadwhenIwassixteenofaheartattack;itwasahardtimeforourfamilysure;
butheandIweren’tthatclose.Ithinkthathe’dthoughthefailedinsomewaybecauseI
turned out the way I did. He never seemed overly impressed with me, not mean just…
moreresignedtothepersonIwasbutnotparticularlyhappyaboutitIguess.Ilovedmy
father, absolutely, but nobody had ever told me that who I was, was okay. I may have
resentedhimjustalittlebitforit.Ifeltguiltyforthatbut,itwasalsosomethingIcould
talktoMr.Harrisaboutanddidfrequentlyovertheyears.Mr.Harriscomingtomyrescue
whenhedidatatimeIneededalittlesaving,well;IappreciateditmorethanIcouldsay.I
calledhimoftenthroughoutmycollegeyearsashecalledtocheckonmetoo.Hissonhad
enlistedassoonashewasofageandIbelieveMr.Harriscalledmewhenhewasworried
abouthisownsonandcouldn’tjustpickupthephoneandcall.Heneversaidthat,butit’s
whatIoftenthought.I’mgladIcouldgivehimthat.

Being from our town my whole life and I assume both the Harris’ were as well, I

grew up in the same small town as their son Alvin Jr. I remember him well; he was
gorgeous,alwaystallerthaneveryoneinourgradeheseemedtogrowfasterthantherest
ofus.Whenwewereinmiddleschoolheusedtoplayfootballandtookweight-liftingasa
formofP.E.(youcoulddothathere.)Iwasnowherenearthelevelofcoolhewas,Iwas
alwayssmallandquiet.IwasnerdyinthewaythatIlovedbooksandIalwayswantedto
dosomethingtohelppeople,likebecomeadoctororevenanurse.Unfortunately,exposed
bloodandmecannotbeinthesameroomtogetherorCarterhitsthedeck.So,Idecidedin
high-schooltobeateacher.Thosewhocan’tdo,teachright?

In one big room, there were Mr. and Mrs. Harris. They were in closed caskets

thankfully; I don’t understand anyone’s need to display their loved one for the world to
see.SomepeoplefindclosureinthatbutIdonot.Iwalkedin,signedtheguestbookand
leftasmallmessageofappreciationthatIhadforthiswonderfulfamilyandwenttofinda
seat.Inthenextroom,thewallseparatingthetworoomswasonlyalargeslidingdoor;it
opened up to the two girls on the other side. Big pictures stood beside each casket,
complete with flowers and a slew of picture collages of the whole family. People were
milling about, speaking in whispered tones, some crying, and some were just silently
rememberingthem.AfterIwalkedinandtookaseat,Ilookedaroundforfamiliarfaces,
mymotherandsistershouldbeheresomewhere,hellthewholecommunitywas.Ididn’t
see them anywhere, but there, in the front row, directly in front of his father was Alvin
HarrisJr.

He looked lost; sitting by himself just staring straight ahead. No one was engaging

himandifI’mhonest,Ican’treallyblamethem;helookedveryintimidatingsittingthere.
He’s massive; when you think of a U.S. Marine, you get an ideal imagine of their body
type. Alvin is that. He’s even more gorgeous than I ever remembered; I had the biggest
crush on him growing up. He was always smiling and having a good time; he was

impossible not to be attracted to. I know I wasn’t the only guy who was and I couldn’t
even imagine the girls. He always had a smile for everyone, everyone he passed in the
halls at school; he’d nod and smile at, high five, or stop for a chat. He had a way of
making you think that just with a smile you were friends, even if you’d never talked to
him before. Like me, the most he’d ever said to me was “Excuse me, are you in line
here?”thathappenedonceinthecafeteriain8

th

grade.“Thankyou”afterhedroppedhis

pencil in high-school and because I sat behind him, it rolled next to my foot. My hands
wereshakyasIpickeditupandhandeditbacktohim.He’dlookedmerightintheeye
withaselfdeprecatingsmileandeyerollandsaidhisthanksquicklybeforeturningback
around. And “Sorry” was when I was coming out of the restroom our senior year as he
wasgoingin;itwascompletelymyfaultthatI’dranintohimbecauseIwaslookingdown
at my shirt where I’d splashed water while washing my hands. He grabbed me by the
shoulderstosteadymeandlaughedhis“sorry”whilelookingmeovertomakesureIwas
alright. I was, just embarrassed and somewhat disappointed that he walked right passed
meafterhe’dseenIwasnoworseforwear,hewalkedpassedme,stillsmilingandI’dnot
had the courage to say anything at all to him. Yep, I remembered every encounter we’d
everhad.Sadhuh?HewasthestarofeveryfantasyI’deverhadgrowingup.

Butnow,sittinghereinthisdimlylitroomwiththesadnessofwhywewereallhere,

hedidn’thaveasmileforanyoneorevenanodofacknowledgement.

It was very noticeable that he was trying hard to hold himself together; it was

breakingmyhearttosee.IwishIwasthekindofpersonwhocouldwalkuptohimand
comforthiminsomeway.MaybeifIjustgoandsitnexttohim,Ithoughttomyself,at
leasthewouldn’tbealone.Maybehewantstobealonethough.I’matalossofwhatto
do.HisfatherhelpedmeoutsomuchatatimeIneededhelp,I’dhatetonotdohimback
the favor and help out his son when he needed it. And if ever there was a time for
someonetoneedsomeone,nowwouldbeit.Decidingtodojustthat,Iwalkedaroundthe
rowofchairsandjustsatdowninthechairbesidehim.Nottooclose,butcloseenoughto
lethimknowIwasthere.Ifelthisbodyleanslightlytomyside,notcloseenoughtotouch
butenoughformetoknow,thatheknewIwasthereforhim.Itdidn’ttakelongforMrs.
Jenny; honorary Grandmother to our entire community to take the small podium at the
faceoftheroomwhereshespokealittlebitabouteachpersonwewereheretomournand
say goodbye to. I noticed the more she spoke, the stiffer Alvin’s body became. He was
strung so tight that I could imagine at any second his whole body could just fly apart.
When Mrs. Jenny got to the girls and was showing pictures from neighborhood picnics
andschoolplays,Iheardachokedsobfrombesideme.Iimmediatelyreachedmyhand
outandgrabbedthehandhehadfistedinhislap.Hegrabbedbacktightly,ithurt.Notas
badasIsuspectedhewashurtingthoughsoIheldonwithstrengthIdidn’tknowIhad.
Forhim,rightnow,I’dendureit.

Wesatthatwayforthenexthalfanhourwhilebeautifulthingswerebeingsaidabout

thisbeautifulfamily.Finally,whenitwasover,alineofpallbearerslineduptotakeeach
member of this man’s family to the cemetery where Mrs. Jenny’s husband, Reverend
Lelandwould lay themin their finalresting place. We stoodup to makeour way to our
cars but Alvin’s hold on my hand was tight as ever. I looked up to him to maybe ask a

question,butthelookofpleadingonhisfacestoppedanywordsforleavingmymouth.
Heneededmeinthatmoment;thatmuchwasclear.Iwalkedhimtohiscar,whichwas
rightbehindtwoblackhearses,onecarryinghismotherandfather,theothercarryinghis
sisters.Insteadofwalkinghimtothedriver’ssidewhichheprobablyexpected,Iopened
thepassengersideandslidhimin.Hedidn’tprotestandactuallylookedrelieved.Imade
mywayaroundtothedriversideandnoticedthathiseyesfollowedmeuntilIgotin.Isat
inthelineandwaitedforeveryonetotakeoff,tofollowthesepeopletothecemetery.The
closerwegottheheavierandlouderAlvin’sbreathingbecame;thiswasgoingtobeHell
for him, I already knew. We parked behind everyone and waited until they were all put
where they needed to be, Alvin with his eyes closed the entire time; not watching, just
fightingforbreathandshaking.Hiswholebodywastremblingsohardthatitwasvisible.

Igrabbedholdofhiscold,clammyhandandsqueezedgentlyuntilhelookedatme.

“Hey”Iwhispered.“You’reokay,it’salmostoverokay?”Itrytoassurehim.Heonly

nods.Hisearsarebrightredandhiseyesarewet.Heopenshismouthtosaysomething
butclosesittwicebeforegivingup;hecloseshiseyesandtakesadeepbreath.

“Idon’tthinkIcandoit.”Hecroaks“Iknowwhenthisisover;I’mgoingtohaveto

walkawayandleavethemallhere.HowdoIdothat?”Heblurtsquicklybeforeasofter
“HowdoIleavethembehind?”

Ittakeseverythinginmenottoreachoutandpullhimtome.Idon’tthinkhewould

likethat,soIsettlewithsomethingsimple;“Youdon’tleavethembehindAlvin,that’snot
them,theyaren’tinthere.Youtakewithyouthememoriesandtheloveyouhaveforthem
and you remember them always. They aren’t in those boxes honey, that’s what they left
behind.” I say hoping it’s enough. Again, after a couple of calming breaths, he nods his
okay.

Wegetthroughtheburialwithoutincident;heseemstohavedetachedhimselffrom

thehereandnowwhichIguessisokay.I’veneverbeeninthissituationbeforesoI’mnot
surehowtohandleit;Ijuststandherenexttohim,silentlylettinghimknowthatI’mright
here.Itwasn’tuntiltheystartedloweringeachoneintothegroundthathishandflewout
and grabbed mine again. I scooted closer and wrapped my other hand around his arm.
*Hisvery big, verysolid arm, I’lladd.* With his handtight in mineand my other hand
wrappedaroundthearmofthehandI’mholding,heleansheavilyintome.Ilookupand
seethesilenttearsfallingfrombehindhissunglasses;again,it’sbreakingmyhearttosee.
Wedon’tdally;assoonasit’soverwemakeabreakforthecarandpeopleseemtoknow
heneedstheescapebecausenoonetriestostophim.

He’shyperventilatingassoonaswegettothecar;tryingunsuccessfullytoripoffhis

tie,he’sinapanic.Islamthedoorshutandturntohim;Igrabhisfaceandmakehimlook
atme.“Hey”Isaysternly“Alvin,hey,lookatme.”Iwaituntilhedoes.“Breathe.You’re
okay.”Itellhimfirmly.WherethistakechargeattitudeI’vegotiscomingfromIhaveno
idea, but he takes a deep breath with me and he starts to calm down. Taking my hands
from his face, I slowly loosen his tie; he calms considerably after that. “Better?” I ask
quietlyandwaitforthenodbeforeIbuckleup,startthecarandbackupslightlytomove
aroundthefuneralcarssoIcanmakeourwayoutofhere.Whileonthesmallroadleading

home,he’sleaninghisheadagainsttheheadrestofhisseatwithhiseyesclosed.Helooks
abouttenyearsolderandabouttofallasleepsoIdon’tevenquestion,Ijustpointthecar
towards his house where I learned from my mom it’s where he’s staying while he’s in
town.Idon’tknowhowlonghe’sstayingorwhathe’sgoingtodobutfornow,heneeds
torest.

Hestilldoesn’tprotestasIwalkaroundthecarandopenhisdooroncewegetthere,

waitingforhimtostepout.HehandsmehiskeystothehouseandIwalkhimwithmeto
thedoor.Ittakesmeacoupletriestofindtherightkeybutitonlytakesaminutetounlock
itandhandthembacktohim.Iaskandmakesurehe’sgoingtobeokaywhilethinking
aboutcallingsomeonetocomegetmenowthatIknowhe’shomesafe.Hedoesn’tanswer
though.Hopefully,nowthatallthisisoverwith,he’llsleep.

“I’mgoingtocallsomeonetocomeandgetmesinceI’veleftmycarbehind,Iwant

youtogoinandgetsomerestokay?Trytosleepsome,youlookexhausted.”Itellhim
honestly. He’s not saying anything, he just stares at me. His eyes are intense but so
beautiful.EvenatthisshittytimeIcanappreciatethemandwishinadifferentlifeorata
differenttimetheycouldlookatmeinawaythatisn’thowhe’slookingatmerightnow.
“Doyouneedanything?Willyoubeokayhere?”Iaskagainhesitantly,buthedoesn’tsay
anything,hejuststares.Ijustnodandstarttowalkdownthestepsoftheporch;I’llcheck
back on him tomorrow, I’m sure my mom has his house number. Before I can make it
downthethreelittlesteps,hissoft,scratchyvoicestopsme.

“Don’tleave.”Hesaysquietly.AtfirstI’mconfusedastoifIreallyhearditorifmy

inappropriatelytimedbrainismakingmewishIheardit.Ilookbackovermyshoulderat
himanyway,tobesure.Assoonasoureyesmeethesaysagain,“Pleasedon’tleaveyet,I
can’t….. I can’t be here alone right now.” And that’s all it takes for me to walk back to
him,takehishandandleadhiminside.

Chapter3:

Alvin

MyheadispoundingwhenIopenmyeyes,mybrainisfoggyandtheroomisdark.

I’mconfusedandalittledisoriented.Theclockbesidemereads5:45am.Ittakesmeafew
minutesoflyingherebeforeIrememberthedayIhadyesterdayandwhyI’mhere.The
manfromthefuneral;Idon’tthinkIevergothisname.Helooksfamiliarbutonlyinthe
wayofIknowI’veseenhimbefore,it’sasmalltownafterall;butIdon’tthinkIknow
him. He saved me yesterday though, there is no way I would have gotten through
everythingwithoutlettingmyanger,sadnessandgriefoutatthepeoplewhoshowedupto
saygoodbyetomyfamily.I’mgratefulforhim.

When we got back to the house, he moved me to the hallway and told me to go

shower and get into comfortable clothes. I asked him again not to leave, I had to make
sure.Thankfullynooneelsewasaroundtoseemefallingapartlikehewas;Iwouldhave
beenembarrassedforbeingsoweak.Hedidn’tseemtomindthough.WhenIgotoutof
the shower and into a long sleeved t-shirt and pajama pants that were already in my

bedroomdresser,ImademywaybacktothekitchenwhereIheardhimputteringaround.
Itwasareliefbecausebeingaloneinthishouserightnowwouldhavebeentoomuchfor
me.Hesatmedownatthetableandsatasandwichandabowlofsoupinfrontofme.I
couldonlylookathim;withallthethoughtsandemotionsIhadgoingoninmyheadall
day,Iwasn’tsurewhatwouldcomeoutifIopenedmymouth,ifanythingatall.Hedidn’t
seemtomindthough.

“Trytoeatsomethingokay?Idoubtyou’vehadanythingtodayhaveyou?”Heasks

softly.Icouldonlyshakemyhead.Idon’trememberthelasttimeI’deatenanythingand
didn’t realize how hungry I actually was until the spices in this chicken soup hit my
tongue and exploded. It was the best soup I’d ever tasted. He sits beside me and eats
quietly. I want to say something so bad but I can’t think of anything that would sound
right.SoIsettlelamelywith“Thankyou.”Iseemtohavestartledhimbutheonlysmiles
andnods.Afterweeat,hesuggestsIliedownandtrytotakeanap,Idon’tthinkIcanso
wesettleonwatchingamovie.Ihaveat.v.inmyroomsowhenhefollowedmeinhereso
Icouldgivehimsomeclothestoloungein;wejuststayedinhere.ThepantsIgavehim
are huge but luckily they tie; and the t-shirt was one I’d had since Jr. High. I have a
fleetingthoughtthathelooksgoodinmyclothes,butbeforeIhaveachancetolatchonto
athoughtlikethat,myjawpopsasIyawnandittakesmeoutofmythoughts.Weprop
ourselves up in my bed and turn on a movie. I have no idea what it is, it looks like an
action movie but my mind was anywhere but on the t.v. I was just so tired. Before
anythingexcitinghappened,Iwasdeadtotheworld.Ivaguelyrememberfeelingthebed
moveandablanketbeingpulledupovermyshoulders;thelightwentoffandIheardthe
snickofthedoorclosingbeforeeverythingwentquiet.Isleptthenext16hourswithout
dreaming.It’sthefirsttimeinelevenyearsthatthat’shappened.ItwasthebestsleepI’d
hadinlongerthanIcanremember.

Afterusingthebathroom,washingthesleepfrommyeyesandbrushingmyteethI

finallyfeelalittlelesslikezombieAlvinandmorelikemyself.

“Hey.”IsayasIturnthecornerandseehimatthestove.Helookssleeprumpledand

cutemakingbreakfast.

“Hey”hesaysback.“Youlooklikeyou’refeelingbetter.”Hesmilesshylyatme.He

looks a bit unsure and I feel bad instantly. I know I wasn’t fit company yesterday and I
hijacked his entire afternoon and then practically begged him to stay with me. I noticed
thecouchhadfoldedblanketsandapillowonitandIfeelhorribleforaskinghimtostay
andthenhimsleepingonthecouch.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday, it was a fucked up day for me. I appreciate you

staying;andsorryforthecouch;IguessIkindofleftyoutofendforyourselfwhenIwent
tosleep.Iwouldn’thavebeenoffendedifyou’dhavetakenoff.”IsayallatoncebeforeI
realized that, that sounded a bit like a brush off and I hadn’t intended it to. It was also
more than I’d said in days; “I mean, I’m glad you didn’t take off, but I wouldn’t have
blamedyouifyoudid.”Itrytoexplain.Idon’tevenknowthisguy’sname.He’dstopped
cookingwhileIwastalkingandbeganstudyingme.

“It’sokay;Ididn’twantyoutowakeupalone.”Hebeginswhileturningbacktothe

pancakes he’s making. “When my dad passed away, I was angry and confused and just
fuckedupemotionallybecausewe’dbeeninafightearlierthatday.”Heshakeshishead
ashe’srecountingit.“Ifeltguiltyandpissedthatthelastthingswesaidtoeachotherwere
harsh and stupid. I never got a chance to apologize and realized I never would. I didn’t
knowhowtohandlethat.”Hegoesonwhilestackingpancakeafterpancakeonourplates.
“So,becauseIdidn’tknowwhattosayorwhotosayittoo,Ijustlockedmyselfinmy
head, replaying our last conversation over and over again, bordering on an emotional
breakdown…itwasn’tuntilaneighborhoodkidcametositwithme,hewasgorgeousby
theway”hesaysonasmallsmile“anyway,hesatwithmeanddidn’texpectmetotalkor
explainmyfeelingsordomuchofanythingbutjustbe.”Hefinallylooksatmewhilewe
sitdownatthetable.“Ireallyappreciatedhimforthat,stilldo.”Helooksathisplatethen
backatme,hesitantandmaybealittleembarrassed“Ijustmean,Iunderstandtheplace
youwereatandIwantedtobehereforyou,that’sallImeant.”Hesaysbeforeshovinga
giantslabofsyrupsoakedpancakeinhismouth.Hiseyesarewideanditmakesmecrack
thefirstsmileI’vecrackedindays,heseemedtoshovelitintoshuthimselfup.Ithought
itwasadorable.

“Yeahwell,yesterdaywasn’tmybestdayandIdoappreciateyoubeinghereforit,

notleavingmealoneforit.”Itellhimsincerely.

“Noproblem.”Heshrugs.“Sowhatareyourplansnow?”heasksandI’mnotsureif

hemeansfortodayoringeneralnowthateveryoneisgoneandI’mallalone.

“I’mnotsure,onedayatatimeIguess.Ineedtocalllawyersandseewhatneeds

doingaroundhere.Timedidn’tstopforanyoneelsesoIhavetojustkeepgoingIguess.”I
say,resignedtothefactthatthisisnowmylife.

“Well”heseemshesitantagain,I’mnotsurewheretheconfident,takechargeguyis

fromyesterday.“I’llleaveyoumynumber;I’monvacationuntiltheendofthemonth.”
HepausesatthefaceIassumeI’mmakingbecauseitmakeshimsmile.“I’mateacher”he
explains. “It’s summer break. I’ll leave you my number and any time you need help or
someonetotalkto,orjustanythingreally”Hestopsandshakeshishead,Ithinkrealizing
he’s doing that cute rambling thing again….. “Well, I’ll leave you my number just in
case.”Hesaysagainbeforetakingabigbreathandreleasingit,hisfaceisbloodredandI
can’thelpbutchuckleathim.DidImentionhe’sfuckingadorable?

“Thank you, that’d be really nice.” I say and realize I actually mean it. I take the

numberhe’swrittenonapieceofpaperandgotoaddittomyphone“Carter?”Ireadbut
it comes out like a question. His eyes pop open and he looks confused for a second but
then looks down right sick all of the sudden. “Yeah, sorry; I’m Carter Jensen.” He’s not
lookingatmenowandIcan’tfigureoutwhatI’vedonetoupsethim.

“Wellit’snicetomeetyouandagain,Ireallyappreciateyouhelpingmeyesterday.”

ItcomesoutmuchquieterbecauseIcan’tforthelifeofmeunderstandwhat’sgoingon
hereandwhyhe’srefusingtolookatme.Hetakeshisdishestothesinkandstartslooking
around for his shoes and keys, he seems guarded and closed off, maybe a little bit
embarrassed.Nottheguywhospentthelastdayandahalftakingcareofme,that’sfor
sure.

“Well,I’vegotto’run,I’vegotalottodotoday,likeIsaidpleasedon’thesitateif

youneedanything.”Hesaysalmostclinicalnow.I’mconfused.

He’soutthedoorbeforeIcansayanythingelse.

Chapter4:

Carter

Okay,soI’membarrassed.

I’d hardly had any sleep the night before because I kept thinking that Alvin would

wakeupinthemiddleofthenightorsomething,plusIwassleepingonacouch.Itwas
ridiculous to stay there the whole time he was asleep but every time I thought about
leavingIwouldimaginehimgettingupandbeingaloneorupset.Iknowhe’sagrownass
manandeverythingbutcomeon,he’dhadareallyshittylastfewdaysandthewayhewas
allday….Itdidnotseemagoodideatoleavethatsomeonealoneforthetimebeing.So,I
cleanedupsomeandIreadfrommykindleonmyphone,luckilyhisphonechargeralso
chargedmyphoneandI’dfounditbesidethecouchinthelivingroom.AfterI’dtoldhim
toshower,getcomfortableandeatsomething,wewenttohisroomandwatchedamovie.
Hewasasleepinminutes,didn’tsomuchasstirthewholetimeIstudiedhissleepingface
orthearmsthatseemedtowanttoexplodeoutofhisshirt.Hedidn’tseemasintimidating
inhissleep,Imeanofcoursehewouldn’t,hewasasleep!Therewasjustsomethingabout
him though, something that made me wish I could do this every day, be something that
someone needed I mean. I felt good to take care of someone. He looked so serene and
peaceful, it was a beautiful contrast to the weary, hard, heartbreaking look he’d had all
day.

I’d had a serious boyfriend in college; we were together his last two years there,

whichseemslikealife-timeatthatage.Collegeissupposedtobeaboutfiguringoutwho
youareandwhereyou’regoingtogoinlife;sowhenhegotofferedajobinDenver,he
didn’thesitatetotakeit.Hetalkedtomeaboutit;notaskingmetogobecauseheknew
thatI wouldn’t, buthe didn’t wantthings to end onbad terms. Isuppose I’m lucky that
way,hecouldhavejustupandleft;insteadheatleasttalkedmethroughourbreakupand
weendedthingsamicably.Iwouldn’thavewantedhimtomissoutonanopportunityfor
me, because just as much as I didn’t want to leave my little coastal tourist spot of
Edgartown,Massachusetts;hehadnoreasontostay.Eveninthatrelationship,Ididn’tfeel
likeImatteredany,likenothingIdidwasbeneficialtoourrelationship.Itwasjustfunand
light.Nothinglikethelast18hourshadbeen;mebeingsomethingthatsomeoneneeded.
It felt good to be needed; and here I thought, this incredibly attractive guy would
somehowriseupfromthefogofgriefandrealizethatthelittlenerdykidhe’dgrownup
withwassomebodythathemightneedinhisliferomantically.Instead,thedisappointing
reality was that he didn’t even know me. He didn’t remember any of those handfuls of

momentswherewe’dranintoeachotherorthathe’dtalkedtome.Itstung.

IwasusedtoflyingunderradarbecauselikeImentionedbefore;Iwasquiet,nerdy

andnotonethatpeoplenoticedunlessitwastopickonmeorneededatutor.But,thisisa
smalltown;Ifiguredhe’datleastknowwhoIwas.Isn’titsoclichétohavetheperson
you’vecrushedonyourwholelifetonotknowyouevenexist?Ifeltlikeanidiot.Notthat
I’dregrettedbeingthereforhimyesterday,Iwasgladtohavebeensomethingheneeded
when he needed it. Now though, now that I was back at my apartment and had time to
unscramble my overly sensitive emotions, I’d decided that if he did call; I’d simply
apologizeforbeingabasketcaseandbeokaywithmaybebeingafriendtohim.Iknew
that coming back here wasn’t going to be easy for him since his family was no longer
here.Iknewfrommymotherthathedidn’tkeepintouchwithanyonefromtownthatshe
hadknownaboutsochancesare,hewouldn’thaveanyonetoreachouttoifhedidneed
anything; I knew that it was a really shit time for him and it was selfish of me to be
thinkinganythinglikethisbecauseseriously?Themanjustlosthisfamily;hewasn’tout
scopingforaboyfriend.Ifeltlikeagiganticass.Itwastheepitomeofbadtimingonmy
partandIhadnoreasontohavemyfeelingshurtthathedidn’tknowme.Ialsoknewthat
IwasseriouslykiddingmyselfifIthoughtbeingfriendswithhimwouldbeanythingbut
disastroustomymentalandemotionalhealth.DidImentionhehadadimple?Justonone
sidethatIcouldtell,butwhenhesmiledatmyramblingearlier,Icaughtaglimpseofthe
deepestlittle dimple righton the leftside of his cheek.How? How doyou just ignore a
dimpleonafacelikethat?It’simpossible!ThatwastheonlyexcuseIhadformyidiocy.

Ifeltbadforpervingonhimatatimelikethis;heprobablythoughtIwasweirdor

something;gettingupandcookinghimbreakfastaftersittingaloneinhishouseallnight?
WhatthefuckCarter?Whodoesthat?Ispenttherestofthedayaloneinmyapartment
cringingeverytimeIletmyselfthinkabouthowridiculousitallwas.

The next couple days are uneventful for me; other than helping out my newly

divorced sister by watching her son Maddox a few days a week; I’m a pretty boring
person. Of course, I have friends I spend time with; very close friends, Ellie and Sarah
who are married now with a son, Duncan, and Patrick and Eddie. Patrick and Eddie are
friends I like to go out with and have a good time; dancing or to the big city to a club.
EllieandSaraharefriendsIliketositaroundandtalkboyswith;abottleofwineorgoto
dinnerwithfriends.WhileIloveallofthemandadoretheirfriendship,it’salsoabummer
tobeathirdwheeltohappyandcommittedcouplesallthetime,sotoday,MaddoxandI
wenttothepark,thenforicecreamandweendedupatmymom’sforavisitbeforeLiz
cametogethim.

I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly close to anyone in my family, I love them all,

don’t get me wrong but I don’t feel I ever connected with any of them. My mother has
alwayshadafullplate,especiallyaftermydadpassedaway.Ihaveonebrotherandone
sister; both are older than me. My sister Liz is 33, and as I mentioned, divorced with
Maddox.MybrotherDaniel,is35,married,butwithnokids.I’mtheyoungestat28.I’ve
hadoneseriousrelationshipinmylifeandwhiletheyacceptmy“life-style”astheycallit,
I’m positive they don’t understand it; they don’t understand me. They act as though it’s

something I chose in order to stand out or to be different on purpose. If only being gay
was a choice; it would have saved me a lot of pain and strife over the years. I’m not
ashamed though, albeit a little lonely sometimes, I’m happy with the life I’ve built. Of
course,Ithinkabouthavingapartner,someonetocomehometoatnight.WhenIdareto
dream about it, I always imagine it’s someone like me; small, quiet, probably average
lookingandsafe.NeverwouldIconsiderthatAlvinwasapossibilityforme.Andwasn’t
thatjustdepressing?

LaterthatnightwithaglassofwineandAdeleplayingthroughthesurroundsoundin

mylivingroom,Ihearmyphoneringingfromsomewhereinmyroom;racingtograbit,
incaseit’sLizormymom,I’msurprisedtofindit’sanunknownnumber.

“Hello?”Iaskhesitantly

“Carter?”thedeepvoiceasks

“Yes,itis.”Ianswerback.

“It’sAlvin.”Hesays;thennothing.

“Oh,hey”Isayafteragood25secondsofsilence.Ihonestlydidn’texpecttohear

fromhimagain.“Howareyou?”IenquirebecauseIhaven’tacluewhatelsetosayand
he’snotsayinganythingeither.

“Better, thanks. Listen, I just wanted to apologize about the other day. I’ve been

tryingtothinkofwhathappenedthatmayhavepissedyouoffandI’mdrawingablank.I
reallywantedtothankyouforstayingwithmeandIdunno,maybenotmakingabigdeal
outofmyfucked-upness.”Hesaysonarush,allofitrunningtogetherIdon’tknowhow
torespondwithoutsoundingstupid.AsclosetohonestyasIcan,Iguess.

“Hey,itwasnoproblem,likeIsaid;IhadsomeonehelpmeoutwhenIneededitand

then,Iwasfriendsofasortwithyourdad,healsohelpedmewhenIneededitso;Iwas
onlydoingwhathedidforme.”Iexplain.

“You were friends with my dad?” he asks curiously like he was trying to think if I

wasmentionedbeforeorsomething.

“Yeah,severalyearsagowhenIcamehomefromschoolfortheweekendIraninto

sometroubleandhehelpedmeout.”IexplainaslittleasIcan.

“Whatkindoftrouble?”Hepracticallybarksatme.

“Hewasjustthereforme,itwasunexpectedbutappreciatedandwekeptintouch,

it’sasmalltown;soIlikedthatIcouldreturnthefavor.”Ifindmyselfexplainingagain.

“Heneversaid,Iwouldhaverememberedyou.”Hesaysrathergrumbly.

“WellImean…wedidn’thangoutoranything.”Isaiddumbly,notreallyevensure

whyIfeltIneededtoexplain.

“Okay, I’m getting off topic here, sorry. I was wondering if you were busy later; I

wasgoingtocookandthoughtyoumightliketostopby.”Whatthefuck?

“It’safter10Alvin.”Itellhimsoftly,knowingnowsomethingisn’tright.

“Oh, you’re right; how about tomorrow then?” He asks, sounding weary all of the

sudden.

“Haveyoueatentoday?”Iaskhim

“YesterdayIhadpancakes,Ithink.Ihaven’tbeenhungry.”Hesays

“Thepancakesyouatewithme?”Iwonderaloud

“Yes.”Heresponds.

“I’llbeoverinafewminutesokay?”IsayasIgetmyselfupandstartputtingonmy

shoes.Igetmykeysandpocketmyphoneandwalletandgetonmyway.Hereallydoes
needsomeonetotakecareofhim;eatingpancakeswithme,thatwasdaysago.I’mathis
house in just a few minutes; luckily he doesn’t live far; only about 3 miles away. He
answers the door only seconds after I knock. I suck in a deep breath at his appearance,
althoughstillextremelysexy;he’sgotbig,darkcirclesaroundhiseyes,hishairisgetting
longer and has that “I’ve been running my hands through it all day” look. He looks
exhausted.Hedoesn’tsayanything,soIgentlypushhimbacktoletmein,whichhedoes
withouthesitation.Ipointhiminthedirectionofthekitchenandsithimatthetable;Itry
tosithimintheheadchairbuthesidestepsitandmakeshiswaytotheotherside.Idon’t
mention it; I just rummage through the cabinets and fridge contemplating what to make
him.Idon’tthinkhe’sbeentothestoresincethelasttimeIwashere,butnothinglooks
touched.

Isettleonanomeletsincethereareeggs,cheeseandham.Hisclothesarewrinkled

andhistieisonlyhangingon.

“Alvin?” I whisper to him once I’ve walked up beside him and I don’t think he’s

noticedme.WhenItouchhisshoulderheflinchesandlooksupatme.

“Whydon’tyougotakeashowerandI’llmakeussomethingtoeat,thenwecanlay

downforabit,yeah?Liketheotherday?Maybeit’llhelpyourelax.”Isaytohimquietly.
Heonlynodsandisonhiswaytothebathroom.Iseeanothersleeplessnightonthesofa
againinmyverynearfuturebutit’llbeworthit.Helookslikehehasn’tsleptatallsinceI
left,Icanimaginehowharditmustbebeinghere,IwanttoeasethatinsomewayifIcan.
Right as I’m done making him two really big omelets, he comes out in sleep clothes
lookingmoretiredandwearythathedidbefore.Afterheeats,hefollowsmetohisroom,
whereIlayhimdownonceagainandsitbesidehim,I’mabouttoturnamovieonsince
thatputhimrighttosleeplasttime;buthestopsme.

“Will you lay down with me until I fall asleep?” he asks with his eyes closed. I’m

wonderingifheevenrealizeshe’ssaidthatorifhe’sclosinghiseyesbecausehe’safraid
I’llsayno.Iwouldn’tdaresayno,evenifIdidn’tfindhiminsanelygood-looking.This
isn’t sexual, he’s alone and lost. It hurts to witness. I kick off my shoes and slip off my
jacket,luckilyIhadonbasketballshortsthatIsleepinathomeandalongsleevedt-shirt;
Icouldlaywithhimforawhileandstillbecomfortable.Ilayfacinghimbutarespectable
distanceapart;hescootsclosertomeandfinallyopenshiseyes;Iseeatearleakfromone

eyeashewhispersaconfessionI’mgladIwashereforbutstillshattersmyheart.

“Iwannadietoo.”

Chapter4:

Alvin

I’msofuckingtired.

I’velostmyentirefamily.NomatterhowmanytimesIsaythat,itstilldoesn’tseem

realtome.Theonlythingsthatletsmeknowit’sreal,arethetwodaysI’vespentsigning
papers and erasing them from things like the house, the car payments; I’m taking over
dads truck so it’s mine now, which was a big fucking headache to change over but I’m
gladI’vegotthispieceofhim.I’vehadtocancelmailandsubscriptionsandanswerthe
fucking phone when people didn’t know about them and tell them that, no sorry they
aren’t here right now, they’re fucking dead, all of them; it’s exhausting. No matter how
manytimesIsayit,ithurtsmyentirebody.Ihaven’tsleptatallsinceCarterleft,Idon’t
know what it is about that little man that made me relax enough to sleep but I’ve tried
everything.I’vetriedsleepingpills;I’vetriedwarmmilk,hottea,wearingmyselfoutthe
localgymintownuntilIfeelreadytodrop;butsleepnevercomes.Ithoughtforsurethat
I’deatwhenIgothungrytoobuthungryneverhappenedeither.Iwassurprisedwhenhe’d
askedmewhenI’dlasteatenbecauseIhonestlycouldn’tremember.Ireallyhadtothink
aboutitthenitflooredmethatithadbeendays.ThedaysallruntogetherbecauseI’mjust
sofuckingtired!Finally,aftersittinginthedarkstaringatthewallforthelastfourhours
tryingtoimaginemyfamilyhereandnothearingevenanechooftheirmemoryanymore,
Ipulloutmyphonetocallsomeone,anyone;Iwasabouttoloseit.Theonlyproblemwas,
thepeopleI’dnormallycallwhenmyheadwouldn’tturnoff,weren’thereanymore.

I’mpissed,I’msadandI’mangryallforvariousreasonsofthesamething.ThenI

feelguiltybecauseI’mmadatthemtoo;myparents.I’mmadatthemfornotbeinghere;
I’mmadatthemfortakingthemselvesandmysistersawayfromme,I’mmadatthemfor

leavingmeinthisfuckingworldallalone;knowingIhavenooneelse.ThenIfeelguilty
againbecauseIknowitisn’ttheirfault,butI’mjustsofuckingmadandthere’snooneto
bemadat.Ilovethemandtheyaren’tfuckinghereanymore!Lookingdownatmyphone
thatsaysI’mcallingCarterbeforeIevenrealizedI’dfoundhisnumberandhit“send”,I
can hear his voice saying “Hello.” Talking to him feels like I’m in a daze, his voice is
soothing,comforting,IjustwanttohearhimtalkbutIdon’tthinkIsayanything.Ijustsat
therewaitingonhimtotalkbecauseinmymind,heknewwhatIneededhimtodo,tojust
talk. He done me one better though, he showed up and fed me again; he took charge of
me,mademeshowerandputmebacktobed.IgotscaredwhenIthoughthewasgoingto
walkoutofhereagain;Iwashonestlyafraid,Ifuckingpanicked.

Nowhe’slyingherewithmeandmyeyescloseimmediately,nottightjustrelaxed.

It’s amazing the effect he has one me, just his presence. I feel like a boulder has been
rolledoffofmychestandIcanbreatheagain,finally.Idon’tknowifit’sactuallybecause
ofhimorifit’sjustknowingthatI’mnotalonehere.MymouthjustsaysthewordsI’ve
repeatedinmyheadforthelastthreedays.

“I wanna die too.” I whisper; glad to have finally just said it out loud. He gasps

loudlyandgrabsmyface;muchlikehedidthedayoftheburialwhenheneededtogetmy
attention;itgroundedmethentoo.

“Don’t say stuff like that Alvin.” He looks pained. “Yes, things are really fucking

shittyrightnow,Ican’tevenimaginehowitfeelsforyourightnow;buthowwouldyour
parentsfeeliftheyheardyoutalkinglikethat?Allthatyou’vesurvivedjusttoenditnow
and for what?” he says fiercely, eyes like fire, flashing his anger at me for saying
somethinglikethat.Ihavetoadmit,it’snicetohavesomeonecare;thenIfeelguiltyyet
a-fucking-ginforeventhinkingitbecausemyfamilydidn’tchosetoleaveandhereIam
talkingaboutwantingtodoitvoluntarily.Iwouldn’teverdoit,Idon’tthink;itjustfeels
likeIwantto.Ithinkofhowtheywouldfeeliftheyheardmesaythat;howdisappointed
they’dbeinmeforwantingtogiveupandthat’senoughtocrackopenthisfuckingshell
I’ve had holding me together the last few days. Now, in the dark, lying with Carter, he
feelssafetomeandIjustletgo.I’mnotsureifIletgoasmuchasmymindandbodyjust
sayfuckitandbreaksdownanyway,whetherIwantedittoornot.SoIcry.Ifinallycryin
gut wrenching, body wracking sobs. Nobody; and I mean nobody has seen me like this.
Not my team; not my family, not even any of my brothers or sisters I’ve served with.
Nobody has ever seen me fall apart; hell I’m not sure I’ve ever even fell apart like this
before;andnowCarter,he’shereforasecondtimetryingtopiecemebacktogether.

Heletsmecryforhoursitseemslike,untilIliterallycan’tcryanymore.Ifeellikeit

neededtohappen,itwascatharticinaway;Ifeellighterandfinallywornoutenoughto
sleep.Hehadgentlyturnedmetomyotherside,facingtheoppositeway;mybacktohis
chestwhenIbroke.AtthetimeIwasgratefulhewasn’tgettinganupcloseandpersonal
viewofmydespair,butnowitfeelsstrangelyintimateandIwonderwhatitfeelsliketo
him.Hewrapshisarmsaroundme;he’shesitantaboutitandIcan’timaginewhy,Ijust
sobbed to him for the last hour like a little bitch. We lay in the silence for a while; my
bodyisdrainedandIfeellikemyarms,legsandheadweighahalfaton,Icouldn’tmove

ifIwantedto;luckily,Idon’twantto.Lyinghereinhisarms;withhisbreathonmyneck
and his hand across my chest holding my hand tight against me, I fall into a dreamless
sleepforonlythesecondtimeinyearsandIhopesohardthatagain,hedoesn’tleaveme
alone.

Hedidn’t;whenIwokeupandlookedattheclockitwasalittleafterfivea.m…I

feellike an assholeagain because hecame right over lastnight, what ifhe had plans or
I’m taking him away from something with my neediness? I’ve never been needy in my
life, but right now I can admit that I need him. Somehow during the night, I’d turned
towards him but he’s still holding me as tight as he was last night. It’s hard to believe,
given how small he is. Don’t get me wrong he’s built really nice, like a runner or
something,he’sslimandtiny;he’sgottobeafootshorterthanmeatleastandagood80
lbssmaller.Headorable;notinthewaythatpuppiesareadorableorthatyouseeacute
baby; but adorable in the way that when he blushes or bites his lip when he’s nervous I
want to grab his face and devour him. I’ve never felt that before, that need to just do it
withoutthought.The11yearsI’vespentintheUSMC,onlyaveryselectfewknewmy
sexual orientation. Not that I was hiding it per se, but because it wasn’t anybody’s
business.IknewalotofMarinesthatdidn’tletanyoneknowtheirhomelife,itwassafer
that way. The only people who know about me were my commanding officers and the
head of my division. I had to make sure it wasn’t going to be a problem; we’ve come a
long way; sure, but in the thick of some shit where my life is on the line is not where I
wanthomophobicprickspoppingupoutofthewoodworkwheremyasscouldgetkilled.I
trustmyteam,wholeheartedly,Ibelievetheyhavemybackwhenwe’reatworkbutsome
thingsjustneedtostayprivateandtheyhave.

Don’tgetmewrong,therearetimeswhenIwasoffonaweekendorhadanightto

myselfthatI’dfindcompanyforthenight;neveranylongerthanthat.It’snotbeenabad
deal for me. I never considered settling down until I got out anyway. I see families torn
apartbylongdeployments,someofusnevercominghomeandsomeofuscominghome
muchdifferentthanwhenweleft.Ididn’twanttodothattoanyone,itwouldn’tbefairto
them.Iknowsomepeoplemakeitwork,alotofthemdo.Ijustdidn’thaveitinmeand
thatwasokaywithme.However,layingherebesidethissmall,strongmanthat’sheldme
togethertwicenow,Irecognizehowlonelyit’sbeen.

As for Carter, twice now he’s dropped everything and been there for me. I wonder

why?

Hisfacewhenhe’ssleepingisrelaxedandbeautiful.He’snotdroolingorsnoringand

he’s got just a hint of a pout with his pink, full lips. I take my finger and rub it softly
acrossthemcausinghimtosmilejustslightly.WhenIrunmyfingeralonghisbottomlip,
hishandcomesupandgrabsmine;atfirstIthinkhe’sawake,buthejustbringsmyhand
tohischestandholdsittohim.He’swarmandIcanfeelhisheartbeatingsteadilyunder
hisshirt.Ineedtothinkofawaytothankhimforeverythinghe’sdoneforme.I’vebeen
suchamesslately,IknowI’mnotgoodcompany,yethestayedwithmethewholetime.
ThelasttimeIwasasleepforafullnightandhalfthenextdayandstill,hestayed.Idon’t
even think I’ve said anything to him the majority of the time I’ve been around him, not

anything of substance anyway; and “thank you” doesn’t quite express how much I
appreciatehimatthisshittytimeinmylife.Istudyhimmore,imaginingwhatitmightbe
liketohavehimaroundmoreoftenthanjustwhenI’mlosingmyshit.I’dkindofliketo
see how he is when he isn’t dropping everything to come save me. Resolved in the
decisionthattomorrow,I’lltrymakinghimbreakfastforachangeandmaybewecanhave
acoherentconversation.We’llseewhathappensfromthere.Iturnmybacktohimonce
againandtheminuteIscootbackjustalittle,hisarmcomesbackaroundmeandtugsme
backtohim.Ifindmyselfsmilinginthedark,it’sforeignbutIlikeit.Ilikeallofit.

Chapter5:

Carter

Coffeeandbacon;that’swhatIsmellbeforemyeyesevenopen.

IttakesmeasolidtensecondstorememberI’mnotatmymother’shouseandI’m

actuallyinthebedofamanIhadacrushonallthroughmyadolescentyears.Who’dhave
thought that would ever happen? My teenage self dreamed it loads of times but my
grownupself is quitepleased by thenight I’d had holdinghim to me.It’s got me rather
disappointedIdidn’twakeupthesameway.LookingattheclockIrealizeit’safter9and
thisislaterthanI’veslept-in,inalongtime.Teachershavetogetupbeforetherestofthe
worldandroutinehasturnedmeintoamorningperson,muchtomydismay.Rubbingthe
sleepfrommyeyes,Igetupandmovetothebathroom,hopingthetoothbrushI’dfound
thelasttimeIwasherewasstillinthemedicinecabinetintheopenedpackagewhereI’d
placedit.Itwas,thankfully.

Afterbrushingmyteethwiththecinnamontoothpasteandrunningmyhandsthrough

myawkwardlooking,bedruffledhair,Igoinsearchofthecoffeethathasmesalivating.I
wasnot,however,preparedtoturnthecornertoashirtlessAlvinHarriswithlowhanging,
bluecheckeredsleeppantsandaspatulainhishand.Tattoos;hischest,armsandbackwas
covered with them. Some dark and shaded nicely, some colorful and sporadic, some not
seemingto have anyrhyme or reason.I’m sure there werestories for allof them and at
thatverymomentIwascatalogingthemincaseIdidn’tgetachancetoinspecteachone
properlyatalaterdate,withmytonguepreferably.Imusthavemadesomesortofnoise
becauseofcourse,whywouldn’tIhave?Ihearasmallchucklebeforemyeyessnaptohis
and I realize he’s watched me stop dead in the middle of a room and oogle him like a
crazyman.AmIdrooling?

“Morning.”Hesayslightlyamused.

“Goodmorning.”Itrytosaynonchalantly,butitcomesoutquietandIcanactually

feelmyfaceinflames.

“Coffee?”Heasksholdinganemptycupinquestion.

“Please.”Ipracticallybeg.

I try to keep my eyes averted, but let me ask you this. If you had a half naked

gorgeousmanmakingyoucoffee,wouldyounotstare…..andmaybedroolalittle?Irest
mycase.

“Ihopeyoudon’tmind.”Hestartswhilesettingthetablewithmoundsofbreakfast

foods;hamandeggs,hashbrowns,baconandtoast.I’llneverbeabletoeatthismountain
he’slaidbeforeme.“Itookyourcarthismorning.”Helooksatmethenlooksbacktothe
toasthe’sbuttering.IknowI’mstaringagainbutI’mtryingtofigureoutifI’veactually
wokenupyetorifthisisthebeginningpartofafantasy.Iwaittosee.“Ineededtogoget
afewthings,includingthisamazingbreakfastI’veprepared.”Hesaysonasmile,looking
backatmeagain.“Yourcarwasparkedbehindme,blockingmeinsoIjusttookyours.I
onlywenttoKings,so…notfar.”HefinisheslookingalittlenervoussinceI’mstilljust
sittingherestaringathim.I’vereallygottopullmyselftogether.

“Noit’sfine.”Ishakemyselfoutofmyawkwardness.“Sorry,I’llbenormalonceI

havecoffee;I’mabitofazombieinthemorning.”Itellhim,peekingovermycoffeecup
as I take my first drink. His smile is back and I’m thankful I said something halfway
normal.

“So.” He starts then stops, seeming to think about what he’s getting ready to say.

“I’m going to try not to piss you off this time, but I really, truly want to thank you for
beinghere.IknowI’vebeenabasketcasethelastfewdaysandIreallyappreciateyou
helpingmeoutthewayyouhave.”HesaysandIrealizethatthelasttimehetriedtothank
me,Ibookeditbecauseagain…I’mawkward.

“I’mgladIcouldbehereforyou,honestly.”Itellhimsincerely,makingsuretomake

eyecontactthistime;Iwanthimtoseemyseriousness.Lastnightwhenhesaidhewanted
todietoo,Ididn’tactuallythinkhemeanthewantedtokillhimself,hewasjusthurting.
Hurting so badly that literally dying would be better than feeling so much pain. I
understooditandIwantedmorethananythingtotakeitaway.

“Yeah,well.Ifeelbettertoday,alittlebit.Imean;betterthanIhavesinceallthisshit

happened.Itfeelsalittleeasiertoday.”HesaysandI’lladmit;helooksbetterthanhehas
sincethedayIsawhimatthefuneral.

“Good,I’mglad.”Itellhimwithasmile,hopingthatdoesn’tsoundcondescending

orsomethingImeanthemanissupposedtogrieve;Idon’twantittoseemlikeIthinkhe
shouldjustbeoveritjustbecausehefeelsastepbetterthanhedidyesterday.

“It’lltaketime;therewillbedayswhensomethinghitsyouandyou’llfeelitallover

again.Thatpartnevergoesaway,butovertime,it’llgeteasiertorememberthegoodand
not how you feel right now.” I try again. He nods in agreement while scooping his
breakfastanddrinkinghisjuice.

“I’msorryifI’vekeptyoufromanything,you’vekindofdroppedeverythingwhen

I’vecalledtorushover.”Hesayssheepishlyintohisplate.

“Hey.”Icalltohimtolookatme.“I’mgladyoucalled;bothtimes.Iwantyoutocall

me any time you want to; you don’t have to be embarrassed about that.” I lay it out for
himbecauseIDOwanthimtocallmewhenhedoesn’twanttobealone,I’llcomeevery
time.Heseemsembarrassedaboutnotwantingtobealoneorneedingcompany.Iwantto
be that person for him, even if it’s just to sit in the silence together or he needs to feel
someone when he’s falling asleep. Whatever reason it is, I want to be the one he calls.
HowelsecanIsaythattohimwithoutfreakinghimout?

“Well thanks…. again.” He says on another small laugh, less nervous this time

though.“Doyouhaveplanstoday?”Heasksme,changingthesubject.

“Not really, I was going to do laundry and clean my place up a bit. I watch my

nephew Maddox a couple times a week during the summer and he’ll be over tomorrow.
I’m not sure why I clean when I know he’ll only mess it up again but, it gives me
somethingtodo.”IsmilethinkingaboutMaddox.

“Howoldishe?”Heasks,curious.

“He’sfive,goingonfifteen.”Ilaughthistime.“He’sincrediblysmart;heusedtobe

this really energetic, wild child but his mom and dad; my sister and her husband are
separated, going through an ugly divorce and he seems to be caught in the middle of it.
He’s more somber now, I hate it. But he’s amazing; I was thinking about going out to
MillsCreekandtakinghimfishingtomorrow,wouldyouwannagowithus?”Iaskbefore
mymindcatchesupwithmeandIrememberthathe’sgorgeousandIlikehimandI’m
awkward.SomehowIforgottobeawkwardjustnow.Nice.

He doesn’t even think about it; “Yes.” he breathes relieved. “I’ve been so busy the

lastcoupledaystryingtosortallmyfamilies’affairs,andthencominghometothisbig
emptyhouse.Iwouldlovetojustgoanddosomethingsimplelikefishing.”

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouwent?”Iask,smilingathim.I’mcurioustoknowany

andeverythingIcanabouthimbutIknowhe’sbeengoneforawhile.

“Fuck, it’s been years; I was probably 16, with my dad and granddad.” He says,

smilingback.Thatsmile,I’mgladtoseeit,it’scomingmoreoftenI’venoticedandIlike
thatIhadalittletodowithit.Thenhegoesontotellmestoriesoffishingwiththetwo
meninhislifehelookeduptosomuch.BeforeIknowit,we’vebeensittingheretalking
fortwohours.AsmuchasIhatetobecauseIgenuinelyenjoyspendingtimewithhim,I
don’t want to wear out my welcome. We’ve all had those people who wake up at your
house when the whole morning you’re just silently thinking “Ugh, why won’t they just
leave.”Granted,Alvinhasn’tactedlikethat,he’sbeenveryengagingandchattybutstill;
I’mgoingtobewithhimagaintomorrowandIdon’twanthimtogettiredofmealready.
Afterwashingthedishessincehecookedthisamazingbreakfast,IfeellikeIneedanap
already.Hecookedenoughtosendmeintoafoodcoma,Iknowthenit’stimeformeto
trekbackovertomyapartmentandobsessuntiltomorrow.

“Well, I should probably get back to my place, find some regular clothes and get

some chores done.” I laugh and gather my things from his room and the kitchen where
he’d left my keys. He shuffled behind me to the door in silence, seeming to have
somethingtosay.IturnedtohimwhenIslidmyshoesonandreallywantedtohughim.

“It was nice talking to you this morning.” I smile “You want me to pick you up so

you can go with us or do you want to meet us there?” I ask, trying to prolong my exit
becauseIjustdidn’twanttoleave.

“Oh,whattime?Icanmeetyouatyourplaceifthat’sokay?Idon’twantyoutohave

todriveoverherewhenwe’llbegoingtheoppositeway.”Hesuggests.

“Iselevenokay?Icanpackusalunchandwe’llgettherebynoon.”Iask

“Soundsgoodtome.”Hereachesforthedoortoopenitforme,Iwalkout.”Thanks

againCarter,really,foreverything.”Hesaystomydepartingback.Ijustturnmyheadand
smilebrightlyathim,“Anytime.”Itellhimwithoutstopping.Gettinginmycar,hewaits
until I’m in and buckled before he goes back in and closes the door. I drive back to my
place; shower, clean, do laundry, check in with Liz and make sure she still needs me
tomorrow and ask if it’s okay to take Maddox fishing, of course she says yes, she loves
thatIdothingslikethatwithhim;heneedsagoodmaleinfluencerightnowsincehisdad
is the epitome of a spineless, deadbeat dick, then I crawl into bed and realize that
throughoutthisentiredaysinceI’veleftAlvin,mysmilehasbeenconstant.I’mexcited
fortomorrow,Iknowrealisticallyitisn’tadateoranything;butIlikejustspendingtime
withhim.Wesurprisinglyhaveseveralthingsincommon;music,moviesandapparently
fishing.Ididn’thavethehearttotellhimhowterribleIamatitbuthe’llseeforhimself
tomorrow.ClosingmyeyesIreplaythenightbefore,onlyinthisvisionhe’sbehindme,
holdingontometightly.Ihavetosay,Ilikeit.Ilikeallofit.

Chapter6:

Alvin

Iwokeupwithsomethingtolookforwardto.

That’s been a rarity for me this week. Normally, I dread going to sleep and then I

dreadwakingup.Todayhowever,I’mgoingfishing.Whatamundanetask,justsomething
sosimpletodo.Bonus;I’mgoingwithCarterandhisnephew.Yesterday,whenCartergot
readytoleave,Ialmost,ALMOSTaskedhimtostayagain.Ididn’tlikebeingalone,sure;
butmorethanthat,Ijustwasn’tdonetalkingtohim.Iwasn’tdonegettingtoknowhim.
Hewasfunny,wittyandsmart.Imean,ofcoursehe’ssmart,he’sateacher.Itwasmore
thanthatthough,hehasexperiencewithdeathandgrievingandhedidn’traindownthe
“I’msorry’s”andtheobligatorypromisespeoplemakethatthingshappenforareasonand
it’llgetbetterwithtime.Hedidn’tpityme;hewasjustthereforme,sympathetic,sure,
butnopity.ItwascomfortingandIenjoyedtalkingtohim.

Ialmosttextedhimlastnight,justbecauseIwasthinkingabouthim;totellyouthe

truth, I’d thought about little else. However, I didn’t want to come off needier than I
alreadywas.Needinessisnotattractiveandhe’sthefirstpersonmaybeeverthatIactually
foundmyselfthinkingaboutmorethanjustaone-offorafriends-with-benefitssituation.I
mean,hewasadorable;I’vesaidthatbeforeIknow,andIabsolutelywouldfuckhimif
giveneventheslightestopportunity,noquestionaboutit.ButIalsowantedtospendtime
with him, get to know him better; I wanted to hear him laugh again or joke with me.
That’sneverhappenedtomebefore.Iknowatthemomentthough,Iwouldn’tknowhow
to be useful to anyone. At the moment, I feel like more trouble than I’m worth. What
couldIpossiblyhavetooffersomeonerightnow?It’sasobering,sadthought.

Iwakeuptooearlyagainandwalkthroughthehouse;IknoweventuallyI’llneedto

decide what to do about it. I don’t think I can sell it, I grew up in this house; no matter
whereI’vebeenorhowlongIwasgone,it’salwaysbeenhometome.Rightnow,itstill
feels like my parents house and if I’m going to keep it for myself, I know I’ll need to
changesomethings.Asitisrightnow,it’slikethey’vejustwentonvacationorsomething
andthey’regoingtobecomingbackhome.IknowI’minnoplacetogetridofthingsand
gothroughthings,butthemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreIrealizeIshouldprobablydoit
soonerratherthanlater.It’llbehardeitherway,whynotgetallthehurtoverwithatonce
ratherthanhealsomewhatfromitthenripitwideopenagain?Doesthatmakesense?

Iwalkfromroomtoroomtryingtoimagineitanyotherwaythanwhatit’sbeenmy

whole life. I wonder if there’s such a company to have someone just come in and do a
completeoverhaul,soIwouldn’thavetodoit.Imakemywaytothekitchenandfryup
some eggs. I’m still not hungry, but I remember how worried Carter was that I hadn’t
eatenyesterdaysoItrytomakemyselfremember.Aftercleaningupandgettingashower,
I find some old cargo shorts and a t-shirt to slip on. It’s supposed to be hot and sunny
todaysoIgrabahatfromthewallwheremymomhungalltheonesI’dleftbehindand
sendCarteraquicktext.Iwasgoingtobealittleearly,butsittingaroundthehouseforthe
nexthourstaringattheclockaboutdidmyheadin.

I was surprised he lived so close; it literally took me only minutes to get here. His

apartmentbuildingwasnice;itlookedlikeagoodlittleneighborhood,therewerekidsand
animals in the small yard in front and there was a playground off to the side of the
buildinganditlookedasiftherewasabigbackyardthatallthebuildingssharedaswell.
WhenIgottothedoorwithhisnumberonit,Icouldheargigglingrightaway.Iknocked
quietlyandheard“I’llgetitUncleCarter”screamedrightbeforeIheard“Holdit,wise-
guy, we don’t answer it until we know who it is.” It made me smile, I don’t know how
manytimesthegirlsrushedtoanswerthedoororthephone,nomatterhowmanytimes
myparentstoldthemnottowithoutpermission.Thejustalwaysthoughtthatwhoeverit
wasontheotherendwassurelythereforthem.WhenCarteropenedthedoorhewasall
smiles, so was the little mini-me standing behind him. “Well, ya gonna let em in Uncle
Carter?” the kid I assumed was Maddox asked excitedly making us both laugh. I hadn’t
realizedwewerejuststandingherestaringateachother.

“Comeonin,Iwasjustputtingtogetherlunchforustotake.”Cartersaysashelets

mein.Hisapartmentisreallynice;alittlebitsmallbutreallyhomeyandclean.Notlike
the bachelor pad I was expecting. It’s homey with dark tones, brown and tan walls with
woodframes;hisfurniturelooksnewmodern,itsuitshim.Ifollowhimintothekitchen
withMaddoxrightbesideme.HisartworkdonsthefridgeandtherearepicturesofwhatI
assumeishisfamilyscatteredinthetworoomsI’veseenthusfar.

“Haveaseat;Maddoxwasjusthelpingmedecidewhatgoesonoursandwiches.We

haveturkeyandhambothsowe’remakingseveraleach.”Hesays.

“Soundsgood,canIhelp?”Iask.Ifeellikehe’salwaysfeedingme.

“Nah,we’reaboutfinishedaren’twekid?”HeasksMaddox.

“Yep,UncleCartersaysIcanhaveicecreamsandwicheswhenwegetbackbutthey

won’tstaycoldinthecooler.”Maddoxsaysseriously.

“Probablynot,it’ssupposedtobereallyhottoday.”ItellthembothsinceI’dwatched

theweatherthismorningtopassalittlebitoftime.

“Maybe we can go swimming then too! Can we Uncle Carter?” Maddox asks

excitedly.

“Maybe,ifyou’rereally,reallygood.Gogetyourswimtrunksjustincase.”Carter

tellshimonaneyerollthatMaddoxdoesn’tcatch;hewasrunningtofindhisswimshorts
before Carter even finished his sentence. After Carter gets the cooler packed and lathers
Maddox with sun block, we’re on our way to Mills Creek in Carters SUV. Maddox was
surprisingly quiet in the back with an electronic game of some sort and Carter has the
radioonquietlyforbackgroundnoise.Thetreesarebeautifuloutsidemywindow;Iforgot
howprettymyhometownis.WhenIwasstationedinArizonaandthenshippedoverseas,
it’sallbrownanddirtylooking,buthereit’sallgreenandlively.Itfeelsgoodtogetout
andenjoyanicesunnyday.

OncewegetthereandsetupfoldablechairsthatCarterhadbrought,wepulloutour

polesandworms.MaddoxhasalittleSpongeBobpoleandhe’scastinghisoutfirst,not
waitingonusforasecond.I’mnotevensurehehasbaitonitbuthe’scontenttojustcast
itoutandreelitbackin.Youcantellhe’sdonethisbeforeandhelovesit.

“Doyoubringhimhereoften?”IaskCarterwhilehe’sfixingthestringandhookon

his own pole. I’m just looking for bait for mine. It was my dad’s pole I’d found in the
garage last night, it’s hard to say how long it’s been in there but it was in pretty good
shape.

“Wetrytocomeeverycoupleweeksorsointhesummer,evenifit’sjustforacouple

hours.”Hesays.“MysisterLizworksalotnowthatherhusbandisgoneso;Itrytoget
himoutanddostuffwithhim.”

“That’sniceofyou,heseemstohaveagoodtimewithhisUncleCarter”IsayasI

bumpagainsthisshoulderwithmine.

“Yeah”hesmilesoveratme.“Hisdadhadbeenhavinganaffairwithhissecretary,

how cliché right?” He rolls his gorgeous eyes. “My sister decided to take him to the

cleaners;tospiteher,he’stakingitoutonnotonlyherbutMaddoxtoo.Heknowsthat’s
whathurtshermost.He’sthatkindofperson.”Cartersayssadly,shakinghishead.

“Ican’timaginesomeonebeingthatvindictive,he’sprobablybetteroffwithouthim

thenwouldn’tyousay?”Iwonderoutloud.

“Yeah,probably.”HesayssullenlyandIimmediatelyfeelbadforruiningthegood

moodhewasinwhenwegothere.I’mnotsurewhattosayandIdon’twanttomakeit
worse,soIgetupandsitbesideMaddoxandcastmylinein,withinminutesCarterison
theothersideofme.

Overthenexthour,noneofushavecaughtanythingorgottensomuchasabite.It

probablyhassomethingtodowithMaddox’sincessantneedtoquestioneverythingevery
few seconds. He’s such a funny kid, curious about everything and always ready to talk.
Carterhasendlesspatiencewithhim;heanswerseveryquestionnotwithjustananswer
but with an explanation. I can understand his need to teach, he does it naturally. After
anotherhour,webreaktoeatthelunchCarterpackedthendecidetocooloffinthewater.
It’salittlebitbiggerthanacreekbutnotsodeepthatwehavetoworryaboutMaddox.
SittingbesideCarter,watchingMaddoxplaywithapuppythatsomeonehadletofftheir
leash,Ican’timagineabetterdaythanI’vehadtoday.It’sbeensostress-freeandfun.The
skyfeelssomuchbluertoday,thegrasssomuchgreener.TheheavinessI’vefeltforthe
lastweekandahalfisgone.

“Thiswasagoodidea,thankyouforinvitingme;it’sbeenalotoffun.”Itellhim

honestly.

“I’mgladyoucouldcome.”Hesmilessincerely.“It’sgoodtogetawayeveryoncein

awhileandjustdonothing.”Hegoesontosayonasmalllaugh.

“Yeah,I’vestillgotsomuchtodo;Idon’tknowwheretostartorwhattodofirst.”I

explain,thinkingaboutallIhaveyettodostill.

“Yeah?Likewhat?”Heaskscuriously,keepinghisattentiononMaddoxwho’sstill

splashing in the shallow water with the little puppy. This is something the girls would
havehadfundoingIthinktomyself,itfeelsgoodbecauseIcansmilethistimewhenI
imagineit.

“Well,Iwasthinkingthismorning…”Istarttosaybuttrailoff,notknowinghowto

saywhatImean.“Thehouse;it’sbeenlefttome.It’spaidoff;myparentsjustpaidtheir
lastrefinancealittleovertwoyearsago.“

“Well,that’sgoodisn’tit?Areyougoingtostayhereor…Imean,itgivesyousome

timetothinkonitatleastright?”Heasks,lookingatmenow.

“Yeah,thishasalwaysbeenhome.”Imurmur,notsureifheheardme.

“Okay then?” He questions, turning his whole body towards me now. I have his

completeattention.Thisiswhyit’ssoeasytotalktoCarter.

“Well….Itshome,but…itstillfeelslikemyparentshouseyouknow?It’shardtobe

there every day without them when I have so many reminders that they aren’t coming

back,youknow?It’snotmyhouse,it’stheirhouse,thegirls’houseandwhileIwantto
keep their memory alive; while I want have memories of their life there; it’s hard to be
surroundedbyeverythingthatwasthemyouknow?”Iwordvomitathim.

“That’sunderstandableAlvin.Itwouldbehardforanyone.”Hesayssoftly,putting

hishandonmyarminunderstanding.Itbringsmerightbackdowntoearthlikeitdoes
every time he touches me. It calms my racing heart, it stops my overactive brain. He
makesmefeelgrounded.

“So, what do I do? It feels too soon to just up and change everything and I don’t

know that I’m able to do it. When I think of getting rid of their things…..” I trail off,
trying to shake the thoughts from my head. “But then living with them; with the girls’
postersonthewall,thelaundrystillinthedryerthatIcan’tseemtomovebecausethen
I’lleitherhavetofolditupandputitaway,orI’llhavetothrowitout.Mydad’sfavorite
jacket is hanging right beside the door, how do I get rid of it? It won’t fit me, so why
wouldIkeepit?WhatwouldIdowithmymom’smakeuportheshoesfromhercloset?
Mymomhasgirlyshitinthebathroom,picturesandshampooforwomen…whatdoIdo
withallofthat,Carter?”I’mborderingonhystericalnowIdon’tevennoticehe’staken
bothofmyhandsinhis.

“Hey,hey….Let’sjustworryaboutonethingatatimeokay?”Hesayssternly.Take

chargeCarterisbackandI’mgratefulforit,Iswearhe’stheonlythingthatpullsmefrom
myfreak-outs.

“Ithurtstobearounditall.”Iconfessquietly.

“Icanimagineitwould.Whataboutdonatingsomethings,justlittlethingstostart

off?” He asks softly. “Mrs. Jenny is always saying the church could use things like
shampoo and girl shit.” He finishes on a snicker, trying to catch my eyes so I’ll see his
jokingsmileatthewayIwordedit.WhenIfeelhimsqueezemyhandsforareaction,I
can’thelpbutlookathim.HiseyesaresosincereandIknowhe’stryingtobecautious
andhelpfulwhilelighteningthemood.

“Andtheirclothescouldbedonated;Ibelievethat’ssomethingbothofyourparents

wouldhavedone,don’tyou?Theywerealwayshelpingandvolunteering.Anditdoesn’t
havetobetoday,whynotjustboxsomeuphereandthereandyoucankeepthemforas
long as you’d like. Keep them until you’re okay with dropping them off. Or, you could
give them to me; I’ll take them to Mrs. Jenny. You don’t have to do it alone Alvin, I’ll
helpyouifyouwant.”Hesaysandjustlikethat,itdoesn’tsoundsohard.

“Why are you guys holding hands?” I hear chirped beside me, causing me to jump

back from Carter and his sincere eyes and warm hands. “I was hollering at you guys to
watch me and you weren’t even paying attention!” He says in little kid outrage. I can’t
helpbutsmile.

“Sorry buddy, Your Uncle Carter was helping me because I was feeling sad for a

minute.”Itellhimhonestly.

“You’reSad?Howcome?”HeasksandIshouldhaveknown.Thiskidhasspentthe

entireafternoonquestioningeverythoughtinhishead.It’scute;maybenotforhismother
whohastoendureitdaily,butforme,today?It’shelpedtremendouslytakemymindoff
ofshit.

“He’s sad because we didn’t catch any fish and he really wanted to.” Carter says

withoutmissingabeat,lookingsodisappointedfortheatrics,italmostmakesmelaugh.

“Oh, don’t be sad Alvie” He sits beside me and puts his little hand on my knee.

Alvie,Ilovedthathecalledmethat;Ididn’tthinkI’dhearanyonecallmethatagain.I’d
thoughtI’dhatedit,buthearingit;IrealizehowmuchImissedit.“UncleCartersayswe
don’talwayscatchem’andthat’sokay.It’saboutthemantimewespendtogetheraway
fromthewomen.Itgivesusachancetohavesecretsodaandburpoutloudandnothave
tosayS’cuseme!”Hesaysexcitedly,lettingmeinonhisandCarterssecretfishingdays.
“We don’t even get in trouble, do we Uncle Carter? Cause’ there’s no moms or dads
aroundtotellustosayit!”HetellsmesoseriouslyithasbothCarterandmelaughingat
hisexuberance.

“You’re right buddy; that makes me not sad anymore. How bout’” I whisper

conspiratorially“sinceyouandUncleCarterletmebeapartofyoursecretfishingday.I
takeyoubothoutforpizzaandrootbeerfloatsatJohnny’sZonetonight,I’llbettheylet
usburpthereandwewon’thavetosayexcuseme.”ItellhimthenlookatCarter,hoping
he’llsayyes.IcanfeelMaddoxbouncinginexcitementbesideme.

Carterlaughsatourpuppydogeyesandwewaitforhimtoagree.“Okay,we’llhave

togohomefirstsowecanallchangeintoproper,dryclothes.Shallwecallyourmomfirst
and ask her if its okay Mad Man?” Carter asks Maddox. “Yes!” Maddox says while
reachingbothhandsoutwaitingonthephoneCarterisdiggingoutofhispocket.

“Hereyougosir,youdial.”Cartersaysafterhandinghimthephone.“Ilethimdothe

dialing;ithelpstopracticerememberinghisphonenumberincaseofanemergency.”He
explains.Iwouldhaveneverthoughtofdoingsomethinglikethatwithsomeonehisage.
It’sasmartthingtodo.Mymomhadmadeourphonenumberandaddressasongwitha
catchytune,soifaskedwe’drememberit.

“Mom!”MaddoxsaysexcitedlyagainwhenI’massuminghismomanswers.“Alvie

wantstotakemeandUncleCarteroutforpizzafordinner,isthatokaymom?Pleeeease
mom?!”He’sbouncingagain.

“Alvie mom; he’s Uncle Carter’s friend and he was sad today that we didn’t catch

anyfishsoUncleCarterwasholdinghishands,isn’tthatrightUncleCarter?Imadehim
laughthoughbecause,well….ProbablybecauseI’mfunnybutthenhesayswecangoto
get pizza and root beer floats mom. Root beer floats! Can I?” He begs and I wonder if
wordvomitisjustintheairtoday,therewasalottogooverthere.Carterjustlaughs.

“MayIspeaktoherplease?”CarterasksMaddoxthenwhisperswithawink“I’lltalk

her into it buddy; you go get your shoes and shirt where you left them.” And he’s off,
runningbacktowherehewasplaying.

“Hi Liz” Carter says on a laugh. “Yes, we’ve only been here for a few hours but I

figuredI’dtakehimhome,gethimcleanedupandwecouldgoeatwithAlvin,sincehe’s
asked.” He tells her and winks at me this time. I’m not afraid to say that seeing that
directedatmemademystomachtightenandmycocktwitch.HaveImentionedyet,how
adorableheis?

“Yes,youcouldjoinusatJohnny’sZoneoryougohomeandrelaxforawhile,kid

freeandI’llbringhimhomelater.Ifyou’reveryniceafewslicesofpizzamightfindtheir
waytoyouaswell.”Hetellsherenticingly.“Fine,asaladthen.”Hedeadpansandthen
laughswithaneyeroll.“Okay,I’llhavemyphoneonmeincaseyoushouldneedus;if
not, I’ll drop him off later.” He tells her, then quietly adds “It’s okay to enjoy time to
yourselfLiz;crackopensomewine,takealongbath,takeoffyourmomhatforacouple
hours,IgottheMadMan.”Theysaytheirgoodbyesandbothstarttogatherourthings.
Maddoxhelpscarrytheicechestandhispoleandwegrabtherest,listeningtohimchatter
thewholetime.

BackatCarter’sit’sonlyalittleafter5,Ithankthembothforlettingmecomewith

themtodayandwemakeplansforusalltogogetcleanedupandpresentablefordinner.
AsIdriveawaywiththepromisetobebacksoon,Ifindmyselfsmilingagain;thatseems
to

be

a

common

occurrence

when

it

comes

to

Carter.

Chapter7:

Carter

AfterMaddoxandIgotcleanedupandplayedacouplegamesofMarioKart,Alvin

cametopickusup.HeinsistedhedrivesinceIhaddrivenearlierintheday.Itwasafun
afternoon, followed by a fun evening; we had pizza and root beer floats and much to
Maddox’sdelightwedidindeedgettoburpallwewanted.Therewasn’tthatmanyladies
in the sports side we were sitting in at Johnny’s, so we didn’t feel too bad being rude.
Luckily,theguysatourneighboringtablejoinedinwithus,obviouslymakingMaddox’s
day.Johnny’sisalocalpizzaplace,independentlyownedandit’stheultimatemanzone
ononeside,afamilyandarcadeontheother.AlvinloadedupMaddoxwithtokensafter
we’deatenforthegamesandwesenthimofftoplayinthegiantarcade,completewith
junglegymsandarockwall.Itwasachild’sdreamcometrue.AlvinandIalsopartookin
somefriendlybettinginskee-ballandairhockey;thentriedourhandatsomeslotstowin
ticketsforMaddox.I’dnotseenAlvinlooksocarefreeandhappysincehe’dbeenback.It
waslikethecloudofgrieflefthimforafewhoursandIwasso,sohappyIcouldbeapart
of that. After a couple hours and a very worn out but heavily prized, Maddox, he again

insistedondroppingMaddoxoffonourwaysoIwouldn’thavetogetbackoutonceI’d
gottenbackhome.Isensedhedidn’twanttogohomeandbealoneandIwasmorethan
happy to spend more time with him. We took Maddox back to his mom, I gave Liz her
saladandchattedforafewminutesaboutourday,shethankedmeprofuselyforgivingher
theeveningtorelaxandIpromisedI’dgiveAlvinherthanksaswell.

Now,we’repullingintomyapartmentcomplexandit’sonlyalittleafter8.

“Doyouhaveplanstonight?”Iblurtout,stupidly.

“No.” He answers, looking at me. Now what do I say? Why am I nervous all the

sudden,we’vebeentogetherallday.Now,withoutthebufferofa5yearoldchatterbox,
but this isn’t our first time alone together for fuck sake, and we’re only friends. Get it
togetherJensen.

“It’searly-ish”Ismileathim.“Youwanttocomeupandwatchamovieorhavea

drinkorsomething?”

“Yes”hebreathesrelieved“I’dreallylikethat.”

We make our way into my little apartment, him following close behind me, my

stomach is in knots and I feel like a teenager coming home from a date, which is
ridiculous,wespentthedaywithachild.

“You want a beer or something?” I ask on my way to the kitchen, him still close

behindme.

“Yeah,thatsoundsgood.”Hesayssoftly.Ihandittohimandhejustholdsitinhis

hand, staring at me with a smile. “I feel like I’m thanking you a lot lately, but I really
appreciate you letting me come on your man day today. It was a lot of fun.” He finally
pullshishandback,takingthebeerfromme.

“Itwasalotoffun;you’reabighitwithMaddox.”Itellhimashefollowsmetothe

couchinmysmalllivingroom.

“Nintendo64?”Heasksaswesit,noticingthegamesystemIdidn’tputbackwhen

MaddoxandIplayedearlier.IlaughasIgetuptoputitallaway.

“Ihaveaplaystation4,butallmygamesforit…notsokidfriendly;soIbreakthis

bad boy out when I know he’ll be here. We play Mario and Donkey Kong.” I laugh
“You’dthinkasmuchasIplayedthesewhenIwaslittle,I’dwhoophim,buthe’sactually
waybetteratitthanme.”

I sit back down with him, a little closer than I did before. I don’t realize just how

closeuntilIleanbackaftergrabbingmybeerfromthetable.

“Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize I was that close.” I start to move but he stops me with a

handonmythigh.

“Noit’sgood.You’refine.”Hesaysandkeepshishandthere.Hesmellsgoodand

cleananddark;thenervesIhadearlierarebackten-foldandIdon’tnoticethatI’mstaring
athislipsuntilheletshistongueouttoswipehisbottomone.

“Are you seeing anyone right now?” He asks on a smirk, snapping me from my

blatanteyefuckofhismouth.

“No.”Itrytosaybutitonlycomesoutasawhisper.

“So,itwouldbeokayifIkissedyourightnow?”Hewhispersback.

“Yes.”IwhisperedhopefullyrightbeforemyeyesclosedandIfelthislipsonmine.

Itwassoftandsweet.NotanythingatalllikeIpicturedit.He’ssobigandintimidating;I
thought for sure he’d manhandle me in the best way. I thought he’d bruise my lips with
littlebitesandsucks.Notbeingabletogetenoughofme.This,forrightnowthough;this
isbetter.Whenhepullsbackjustslightlyandopenshislips,Ican’thelpbutbreathehim
in.Icantastethebeerhe’sjustdrankbutit’ssomethingmoreaswellandIloveit.Ireach
up and grab his head and bring his lips back to mine, parting them without hesitation. I
needtotastemoreofhim.Hisbig,rough,callousedhandsareframingmyface,squeezing
metighterandpullingmeclosereachtimeImoanintohismouth,whichIdo;everytime
hesqueezesmeclosertohim.He’saddicting,Idon’twanttolosethetasteofhim,andI
don’twanttolosethesoft,yetroughwayhislipstakemine.He’sbeautiful.

“Fuck” he curses as he pulls back and leans his forehead against mine. “I’ve been

thinkingaboutdoingthat,allday.”Hesmilesandpullsbackabitmore,lettingmyfacego
butgrabbingmyhand.

“It’dbealieifIsayIdidn’tthinkaboutittoo.”Ilaughandtakealongchugofmy

beer,needingthecoolnessofittocoolmyoverheatedbody.

“You’ve been so great lately; I don’t think I would have made it through the last

coupleweekswithoutyou.Doyouthink…”hetrailedoffthenletoutahuffofbreathand
a nervous laugh. “Would you want to go out with me sometime, next week sometime
maybe?I’vegottogobacktoArizonatomorrowtofinishupsomeshit,closeoutmylife
there,butI’dreallyliketoseeyouwhenIgetback.”

“Okay”Iagreereadily.I’dlovetospendmoretimewithhim,especiallykissinghim,

hopefullymorethankissinghim.

“Yeah?”heasksonasmile.Hissmilesarebecomingmorefrequentandthedimple.

Fuckme,thedimple.

“Yeah,Iwantthat.”Itellhim,again,staringathismouth.

“I’mnotsurehowlongI’llbegone;hopefullyonlyafewdays.”Hesays,lookingat

my lips now. I smile, pulling him from my lips to my eyes. He smiles back then grabs
behindmyneckandpullsmetohim.

“YoumakemefeelbetterCarter.”Hewhispersagainstmyopenmouth.“Youmake

mefeelgood.”

Idon’tknowwhattodowiththatbutIloveit.He’sgotmepulledsoclosetohim;

I’mpracticallystraddlinghislap.Ithrowonelegoverhimandmakemyselfcomfortable
on his lap. Is this too forward? Probably. Do I care? Nope. He was pulling me to him
anyway,itwaspracticallymyonlyoptionImentallyconvincemyself.Ifeelhisarmswrap

aroundmywaistashepullsmedowntowhereI’mgrindingagainsthishardness.Itmakes
memywholebodyshudder,thethoughtofwhatI’dlikeforhimtodotomerightnow;
andwhatI’dliketodotohim.

“Iwanttomakeyoufeelbetter.”Itellhimhonestly,boldlygrindingmyassontohim

while sliding my tongue into his mouth. “I want to make you feel good.” I whisper
causinghimtogroanandclutchmyhipstighter.Heripshismouthoffmineandleanshis
head back against the couch, both of us trying in vain to catch our breath. His eyes, the
waythey’rerightnowlookingatmemakesmewanttoriphisclothesoff.Ileanforward
andgrabhisbottomlipwithmyteeth;thensuckonitgently.Iusemyhandsinhishairto
gently pull him back so I’ll have access t his neck. I bite and suck on his neck while
running my hands down his rock hard chest and stomach. His groans and curses every
time I nip him is enough to drive me crazy. I get my hands on the button of his pants,
quickly reaching in and pulling him out. He’s solid as a rock and much bigger than I
wouldhavethought.IsqueezehiminmyfistasIthinkaboutallthefunthingsIcando
withthis.

“FuckCarter,whatareyoudoing?”hegroansatme.I’dhavethoughtitwasobvious

butI’mprettysureit’sarhetoricalquestionanyway.

“I told you, I wanna make you feel good. Don’t you want that?” I ask him while

slowlystrokinghiminmyfist.HisfingersaredigginghardintomyhipsandI’mhoping
I’llwearhisbruisestomorrow.Itmakesmeharderthinkingofhimmarkingmyskin.

I slide my way to the floor, on my knees between his legs. I feel powerful when I

lookathim,thewayhe’slookingatme.I’mneeded,rightinthismoment,heneedsmeto
dosomething,anythingprobablyandhiseyesaresilentlybeggingmetodosomething.I
takemytongueandslideitfromhisballstohistipwherehe’sleakingforme.Iwrapmy
lipsaroundhimandswallowhiminonedipofmyhead.Hishandsgofromthecouchto
thebackofmyhead.Notpushing,justholdingme.Hishandsarefistsinmyhairandit
hurtsjustenoughtomakemyowncockthrob.

“Carter”hemoansmynamewhileIswallowaroundtheheadofhisdick.“Hmmm”I

moanaroundhim,pullinganothergroanfromhim,thistimeunintelligible.

“I’mgonnacumifyoukeepthatup.”Hetellsmeunnecessarily.It’swhatI’mhoping

for.Iwanttotastehim.Isuckhimlikeit’sthelastthingI’lleverdo.

“Stop”hesaysafterafewminutes,notknowingifheactuallywantsmetostoporif

he’sgettingcloseandfeelslikeheshouldstopmebeforehecomesinmymouth.

“Carterstopforasecond.”HesayswhenIlookupathim.Islowlyslidehimfrom

mymouthashepullsmebackontopofhim.Helookslikehewantstosaysomethingbut
insteadhestandsusupandkissesme,hard.Hethrustshistongueinmymouthandchases
histastearoundmytongue,likehecan’tgetenoughofthetaste.

“Where’syourroom?”Heasksagainstmylipsoncehepullsawayforbreath.Itake

his hand after he pulls off his pants the rest of the way and lead him down the little
hallwaytomyroom.Whenweenter,hedoesn’ttaketimetolookaround;hejustslideshis

armsaroundmeandkeepsuswalkingtomybed.

“I want you inside me.” He growls into my neck. It shocks me enough for me to

freezemeinmyplace.Ithoughtforsurehe’dwanttotakeme.Thisbig,powerfulman,I
realizeit’sstereotypicalofmetothinkit,butIwouldhaveneverdreamedhe’dbottomfor
anyone,letalonesomeonelikeme.

“What?”Iask,needingtobesure.“Areyousure?”Iaskagainforgoodmeasure.He

smilesshylyatmenowandkissesmesoftly.

“Please” he whispers and it’s all I need. I turn us and push him softly to my bed,

dragginghisshirtuphisbodytheminutehesitsdown.ReachingbehindmeIpullmine
offaswellwhilehishandsreachforthebuttonsonmypants.Ifeelliketheslightesttouch
will have me going off before I’m ready so I take a few seconds to take a few deep
breaths.

“Carter, are you okay?” he asks, sounding so unsure. Why, I don’t know. I can’t

imagineanyoneeverturninghimdown.Idon’tanswer,insteadcrawlingontopofhimso
thatourbodiesareperfectlyaligned.Hiskissesaresoftandsweetandhisbodyisshaking.
Ican’ttellifit’sbecausehe’snervousorsomeotherreason.Ireachintosidetabledrawer
andgetoutacondomandthelubeIkeepinthere.Idon’twanttothinkabouthowlong
either of them has been in there. I haven’t needed them in a very…. very long time.
“Fuck”Ihearhimwhispertohimself.

“Areyouokay?”Iaskhimthistime.

“Yeah,it’sjust.It’sbeenalongtimeforme,Inotusuallyonthisendofthings.”His

nervous laughter gives way to the tension in the room. I lay myself on top of him and
framehisfacewithmyhands.

“Areyousureyouwantthis?Wecangotheotherway.Iwantthistobegoodforyou

andto be honest;I totally thoughtyou’d want to fuckme.” I askthen tell him honestly.
Hisholdonmeisstrongbuthiseyesarevulnerable.

“Ilikethewaytotakecareofme.”Hewhisperstomeinthedark.“Idon’thaveto

thinkwithyou,Idon’thavetobeincontrolofeverythinglikeI’vehadtobelately.With
you, I feel safe to let go of everything and just let you handle me.” His voice is barely
aboveawhisperandIcantellit’shardforhimtosaythat.“Doesthatmakesense?”He
asks.

“Yes.”Ikisshimsoftly.“I’lltakecareofyou.”Itellhimbeforekissinghimharder;I

kissdownhisbody,runningmytongueandteethdownhisneckandchest.Istopandnip
at each one of his nipples, licking and sucking on his skin. I run my hands down his
stomach as I run my tongue around all his ridges and bite his muscles that are jumping
underneathmyattention.ImakemywaytohishipswhereIlickthedeliciouslinesthat
outline his gorgeous length. I take him in my mouth and slowly tongue him until he’s
writhing under me. I hear him gasping my name and groaning words like “fuck” and
“more”.

HishandsarefistingtheblanketsbeneathhimandhislegsaretwitchingeverytimeI

swallowhim.Clickingopenthelube,Islickupmyfingersandgentlyrubaroundhishole.
Islowdownmysuctionbecausehe’ssoundingcloserandclosertotheedge.Ikeepthetip
of him in my mouth, running my tongue around his slit as I slide the tip of my finger
inside him. He’s tight. Fuck he’s tight, and so hot. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be
like to feel him squeezing me from the inside. It’s almost enough to have me exploding
withthethoughtalone.WhenIfeelhimloosenupenoughtoaddanotherfinger,Itake
mymouthfromhiscockandpullhisballsintomymouth.Slidinganotherfingerin,the
wayhesaysmynameistorture.It’salmostawhimperandso,soneedy.

“I got you, baby.” I tell him and I realize, I’ve never called anyone that in my life.

NotevenMaddoxwhenhewasababy.Ilikeitthough,itdoesn’tsoundcheesyorstupid.
It felt right and that whimper again. There’s something extremely erotic about seeing a
big, strong man falling apart for me while I call him baby. He was going to ruin me, I
alreadyknew.ForgettheboyIhadacrushonallthoseyearsago,hewasamannow,a
big, scary, muscled, trained Marine, and I had him falling apart under my hands. He
neededmetotakecontrolandnotonlyamItakingcontrol;I’mowningit.

“Please,Carter.”HebegsmeafterI’veslidinthethirdfinger.IturnmywristsoIcan

seekoutthatbundleofnervesIknowwilldrivehimcrazy.“Carter!”hescreamsashis
backarchesoffthebed.“Carter,please;”hebegssosweet.“Ineedyou.”

NowaycouldIdenyhimafterthat,Islidemyfingersoutofhimandripthecondom

openroughly.IslideitoninsecondsandI’mreadytogo.Thereisnoturningbacknow,I
knowonceI’minsidehim,that’sitforme.Therewillbenolettinghimgo.

Chapter8:

Alvin

I expect him to slam inside me and I’m almost disappointed when he doesn’t. I’ve

neverinmylifefeltthiskindoffreedom.Nobody’severtakensuchcareofmebefore,I
feellikemybodyisabouttosplitopen,likemyheadisgoingtoexplodeifhedoesn’tget
insidemerightthissecond.Ifeelsooutofcontrol.Atleast,untilheclimbsbackupon
me;hegrabsmyface,likehe’sdonebefore;ofcourseithasthesameeffect.Thewayhe’s
lookingatme,theemotionsIseeinhiseyes;itwouldscaremeifIthinkforsurethatthe
wayIlookedathimwasthesame.

“I’ve thought about this for a really long time.” He says softly. He must see the

confusiononmyfacebecausehejustsmilesandkissesmeoncemore.“I’lltellyoulater.”
Hesaysonalaugh.Hesobersquicklythough“ThankyoufortrustingmeAlvin.”Hesays
rightbeforeIfeelhimbreachme.Ifeelthefamiliarburnofhimstretchingme.I’veonly
letoneotherpersondothisandIwastoodrunktoknowitwasaterribleidea.WithCarter
though,hetakeshistime;letsmybodyadjust.Iknowit’sgottobecostinghimendless
control.Hedoesn’trushit;hejustinchesinslowlyuntilIcanfeelhimrestingagainstme.

Itakeacoupledeepbreathsandopenmyeyes.Ididn’trealizetheywerecloseduntilI’m
lookingupathim.Hiseyesarewet,hisfaceisdrippingsweatandthemusclesinhisarms
andchestarestraininghard.He’sbeautiful,notjustadorable;butfuckingbeautifulinthe
waythathetakescareofme.He’sselflessandamazing.I’mprettysurehe’sgoingtoruin
meforanyoneelse.Ipullhimdownsohe’sflatonmychest.HisskinfeelsamazingandI
feelconnectedtohimbeyondourbodies.

“Youokay?”heasksvoiceasstrainedashisbody.

“Sogood.”Itellhimhonestly.“Pleasemove.”Isay,andhedoes.

“Fuck” I growl at him when he slides out and pushes back in. Not so eloquent I

know,but…fuck.

“Youfeelsogoodwrappedaroundme,Alvin.”Hesaysashewrapsmylegsaround

hissmallwaist,Ican’timaginehowwelooktogether,himtakingmybody.Hesitsback
onhishaunches,withhisarmstraightout,stretchedonmychest.Herunshishandupto
the base of my throat where he squeezes just enough to let me now he’s there. I want it
harder;Iwanthimtosqueezemeharderandfuckmeevenharder.SoItellhim.

“Harder”Igrabhiswristandsqueeze,lettinghimknowitsokay.Hedoes,hegrabs

mythroatandstartstopoundme.He’shittingmyprostateeverytimeheslidesoutthen
glidesbackin.I’mgoingfuckingcrazyunderneathhim,Icanhardlybreathe.

“Ungh.Carter.”Ipantloudly.

“Yeah,baby.”Hegroansbackatme,it’sfuckinghothearinghimcallmethat.I’ve

neverbeenoneforpetnamesandI’vealwaysthoughttheysoundedridiculous,butCarter,
callingme“baby.”Fuck,Idon’twanthimtocallmeanythingelse.Hegrabsmystraining,
drippingcockwiththehandthat’snotaroundmythroatanditslamsmyorgasmrightto
thesurface.

“I’mgonnacome.”Iwarnhim.“Fuck,Carter.I’mgonnacome.”Itellhimurgently,

makinghimsomehowgoimpossiblyfaster,unbelievablyharder…Mybreathleavesmeall
atonceandmywholebodyfreezessecondsbeforejetsandjetsofthick,whitefluiderupts
fromme.IhearCartergrowlloudly.ApropergrowlIwassurprisedcamefromhim.He
letsgoofmyspasmingcockandlaysbackontopofme,handsgrippingmyhairhekeeps
myheadstraight,myeyesopenandlookingnowherebuthim.Heopenshismouthina
silentcrybutquicklydropshisheadtominewhilehisbodystillsinsideme,deep,deep
insidemeandhegroansmyname.Thenoiseshemakes;it’salmostenoughtomakeme
wanthimalloveragain.

Hepullshisheadfrommyneckandlowersmylegsfromaroundhim.Hekissesme

sosweetlyIalmostcan’tlookathim.Heclimbsfromthebedandgoestothebathroom,
gettingridofthecondomandgrabbingarag,hecomesbackandwipesoffmychestand
stomach.He’sagain,takingcareofme.Ican’timaginewhynobodyhassnatchedhimup
yetbutIconsidermyselfluckythatI’mgettingthechancetospendtimewithhim.Itry
not to think about what it means or where we’ll go from here. I want to just enjoy this
rightnow.Heclimbsbackinhisbedwithmeandpullsthecoversoverusboth.Iturnto

mysidetofacehimandhelooksnervous.

“Hi”Ismileathim.

“Hey.”Hesmilesbackshyly.

“Why do you look so shy right now?” I run my fingers across his cheek, over his

bottomlip.It’ssosoft.

“Idon’tknow,youlookedlikeyouwerethinkingprettyhardwhenIcamebackin.”

heconfesses.

“Iwas,Iguess.”Itellhimhonestly.

“Wasthatokay?”Heasks.“Imean,youdon’tregretitalreadydoyou?”He’sunsure

andit’ssounlikehim.He’susuallythetakechargeone.Itmakesmesmilethough,Ilike
knowingI’mnottheonlyoneoutoftheirdepthhere.

“It was perfect.” I say honestly, leaning forward to kiss him quickly. The smile he

givesmeoneofreliefandtriumph.

“Yeah”Heagrees.I’mgladitwasgoodforhimtoo.“Doyouwanttostaywithme

tonight?” he asks quietly. “I mean… you don’t have to; don’t think I expect you too or
anything,orthatI’llbeoffendedifyoudon’t.Ijustthought,maybeyoumightwantto.Or
thatifyouwanttoyoucan.”He’sramblingagainbuthehasnopancakestoshuthimself
up.Itmakesmelaugh,he’sadorable.

“Iwouldliketostaywithyou.IhavetoleavetomorrowsoIwanttoenjoythiswith

you.”Itellhim.He’ssoeasytospendtimewith;wewrapourselvesaroundeachotherand
talkwellintothenight.Havingsomeonetoliewithlikethis,it’sdifferent.Idon’tthink
aboutthemanynightsinthedessert;fightingformylife.Idon’tthinkaboutthescreams
andgunfireI’vewitnessedforyears.Idon’tthinkaboutthefactthatI’mallaloneinthis
worldnowthateverybodyIloveisinthegroundsevenmilesaway.Idon’tthinkaboutmy
careerbeingoveronceIgetbacktoArizonaandIdon’tthinkaboutwhatitmeansthatI
don’twanttoleavethisguyorthatImightmisshimwhenI’monlygoingtobegonefora
fewdays.Ithinkofnoneofthat.Ijustwraphimupinmyarmsforachangeandenjoy
howwonderfulitfeelstoholdhim.

Oncewefinallyfellasleeplastnightaftercuddlingandkissing,Ididn’tdreamortoss

orturn.AsusualwithCarter,Isleptpeacefully.Iwokeupwaytooearly,thankfulthatI
didbecauseIhadn’tpackedoranythingformytripbacktoArizona.They’dgottenmea
flightbacksoIdidn’thavetoworryaboutthat,butIalsowantedtoreturnmyrentalcar
whileIwasattheairport.Ihadn’tneededitsinceI’dbeenusingdad’struck.Islippedout
ofbedandslowlygotdressedastonotdisturbCarter.Helookedsopeacefulandserene
layingthere.RightafterIpulledmyshirtonandrememberedmypantswereintheliving
roombythecouchwhereI’dtakenthemoff;Iwantedtokisshimgoodbye.Afterleaning
downandrunningmyfingersacrosshisbeautifulface,Ikissedhisforeheadandtriedto
makemyselfleave.He’dreachedoutthesecondIgotup;searchingformeinhissleep.
Hegrabbedmypillowandtuggedittochest.Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.

After I found my pants and got dressed, left him a note and told him I’d call him

later.Ihopethisdidn’tchangethingsforus;orifitdid,Ihopeditchangedthingsforthe
better. If nothing else, he’d become a good friend to me over the last week and I didn’t
want to lose that. I didn’t know many people in town anymore; or if I knew them, they
wereonlyacquaintancesthatI’dknownadecadeago.NobodyIwouldcall“friend”now.

I got home and packed, jumped in the rental and made my way to the airport with

plenty of time to spare. After checking in and sitting at my gate for a while, deliciously
soreandIrealizeit’sstilltooearlytocallortextCarter,insteadIfindmyselfwishingI
wouldhavetakenapictureorsomethingsoIcouldlookatitwheneverIwanted.That’s
suchagirlthingtodo,ifIsawoneofmybuddiesdoingsomethinglikethis,I’dcallthem
apussy.ThejokewouldbeonmethoughbecauseI’donlybesayingthatbecauseIdidn’t
know what it was like to miss somebody. Only my parents and my sisters, but that’s
different.IwonderhowmytourswouldhavegoneifI’dhadsomeonelikeCarterwaiting
formewhenIgothome.WouldIhavestayedinsolong?I’mnotreallysure.Iknowfor
now,I’mnotevengoneyetandIalreadycan’twaittogetbacktohim.

I know it’s fast and I don’t even know if he feels the same way about me, but I’m

hopingIcanconvincehimtomaybetrysomethingwithmewhenIgetback.

Castingmymindbacktolastnight,Ican’thelpbutsmileatthethoughtofCarter’s

facewhenItoldhimIwantedhim.I’mnotsureifhe’severtoppedbeforebutifhehadn’t,
hewasanatural.Itwasn’tanormalthingformetobottombutsincethedayhe’dgrabbed
myhandatthefuneral,I’dwantedhimtofillme.Iwasn’tlyingwhenIsaidthathetakes
careofme;hedoes.Hetakescareofmeinawaythat,Idon’tknowhowI’velivedthe
last29yearswithouthim.WhenI’msadorlostoralone,heridesinlikemyownpersonal
saviorandtakescharge.Idon’thavetobeokayaslongasCarteriswithme.Hemakesit
okayforme.Iwanttobethatforhimtoodon’tgetmewrong,itjustsohappensthatatthe
moment, I was the one who needed it. He seems so put together and in control of
everythingIcan’timaginehimeverneedingsomeonelikethat;butifhedoes,Iwanttobe
thatforhim.

Finally after 45 minutes of playing a stupid game on my phone and e-mailing my

BunkieJosh,I’montheplanetoArizona.Ie-mailhimlettinghimnowthatI’mokayand
thatI’mcomingback.Istillneedtoapologizealthoughhesaysitswaterunderthebridge,
oncethey’dtoldhimwhatwasgoingonwithme,hecouldn’tholditagainstme;whichI
wasgratefulfor.He’sbeeninmyunitthelast4years;he’stheclosestthingIhavetoa
brother or a best friend. He’s a little bit younger than me, he’s 26 and he’d enlisted the
secondhecouldaswell.Hewasrunningfromfostercareandwenttomilitaryschoolthen
basic as soon as he was old enough. I realize as I’m writing everything I don’t want to
havetosayoutloudtohimwhenIseehim;thatwe’rebothalonenow.Wehavethatin
common,itmakesmefeelbadforattackinghimthewayIdidthelasttimeIsawhim.He
probablywouldhaveunderstoodhadIjustbeenabletousemywordsandfuckingtalkto
him.ToolatenowIguess,butIhopewecankeepintouchwhenI’mout.FiguringIhave
abouta4hourflightandIdidn’tsleepforverylong,Iaskleanmyheadbackandtryto
sleep.Itisn’tuntilIthinkofCarterandimaginehimbesidemebeforeIcanfallasleep.

Chapter9:

Carter

IwokeupaloneyesterdayandIknewthatAlvinhadtogotoArizona,butI’dhoped

thathe’dhavewokenmeuptosaygoodbyeoratleastcalledmewhenhegotthere;buthe
didn’t. I didn’t want to be one of those people who bugged someone after a great night
together,whenthey’dbewishingtheotherpersonwouldjustgetthehintandleavethem
alone.SoIdidn’ttextorcall.Ifiguredifheneededme,heknewmynumber.Ispentthe
day busying myself with errands and grocery shopping; I tried not to think things about
Alvinwithouttalkingtohim;likemaybehedidn’tenjoyhimselformaybeIwasn’tthat
goodatwhatwedone,sohewasn’tgoingtocall.Ithadmealittleparanoid,Ididn’thave
good luck when it came to relationships and none of the ones I had were even half as
meaningfulasthisoneweekthingIhadgoingwithAlvin.

Maddox had called me twice already today asking me when we could go fishing

again and if Alvin was going to come the next time. I told him I didn’t know that we’d
have to see. Then he’d wanted to talk about the arcade that we went to if next time he
cameoverifwecouldmakeourownrootbeerfloats.Italkedtohimforasolidtwohours
offandontodaysowhenmyphonechimedIthoughtitwashimwithanotherquestion.If
IknowMaddoxatall,thekidalwayshadaquestion.Ididn’tansweritrightaway;opting
togetintotheshowerandgetcomfortableclotheson;I’dstoppedatthevideostoreand
rented a movie, I was going to veg tonight. It wasn’t until I was popping popcorn and
makingsweetteathatmyphonerang.Ipickeditupwithoutlookingatthename,figuring
againthatitwasMaddox.

“Hello?”I’dsung,knowingit’dmakeMaddoxlaugh.

“Wellhello.”Alvinsaidback.“Happytohearfromme,Isee.”Helaughed.

“IthoughtyouwereMaddox.”Isaidembarrassedforasecondandthenlaughedat

howridiculousIknowIsounded.

“Ah, did you guys “man day” today?” Alvin asked, seeming genuinely curious and

fullofhumor.

“No,buthe’scalledacoupletimes.”Ilaughback.

“I’msorryI’mjustgettingaroundtocalling,it’sbeenreallyhecticsinceIgothere

andIhaven’thadmuchtimetodoanything.”HesaysandIfeelbetterimmediatelyand
kindofridiculousthatIwasteenagegirlangst’ingallovertheplacetoday.

“It’sokay.Howarethingsgoing?”Iknowhesaidhewasprobablyretiringnowbut

hewasn’tsurehowitwasgoingtogo.Ihearhimletoutabigsighbeforeheexplainsa

little.

“It’salotofpaperworkandevaluationsandtalkingtodifferentpeople.It’sbeena

headache.”Hesays,hesoundstired;likehedidwhenhefirstgothome.

“Is there anything that I can do to help?” I ask, not wanting to overstep but; I like

makingthingseasieronhim.

“Nobaby,IthinkIgoteverythingcoveredhere.”He’ssmilingnow,Icanhearit;and

hisvoiceisgonesoftandIgetapanginmygutbecauseImisshim.How,inonlyaweek
hashegrowntomeansomethingtome?

“Okay.”Isayquietly.

“Thankyouforaskingthough.”Hesaysjustasquiet.

“Hmm.”Isallthatcomesout,Ilikethisquietvoicehe’susing.

“Imissyou,Carter,thatcrazy?”Hewonders,nowI’mtheonesmiling.

“No;it’snotcrazy.Imissyoutoo.”ItellhimhonestlybecauseIdo.Iwishhewas

threemilesaway;I’dbeabletojustgetinmycarandgoseehim.

“Good.” He laughs. “What are you doing tonight?” He asks sounding like he’s

gettingcomfortable;Ihearshifting,clothesrustling.

“Iwasjustgettingreadytowatchamovieandvegonthecouch.”Isay,curlingupon

saidcouch,forgettingthemoviethat’squeuedupintheDVDplayerandthepopcornin
themicrowave.

“Ohyeah?”Heasks,hisvoicemuchsexierthanitwasasecondago.

“Yeah.”Ialmostmoan,thinkingaboutwhatwedidlastnightonthisverycouchand

whatitledto.

“IwishIwastherewithyourightnow.”Hemoansthelastbitbeforetakingadeep

breathin and lettingit out. Iwent from curled upthis couch, enjoyinghis voice to rock
hardandneedingtohearmoreofhisvoiceinasolidsecond.

“Metoo.”Igroan,grabbingmycocktostopitfromthrobbing.

“What are you doing, baby?” He asks seductively. “What’s making you sound like

thathmm?”Heasks,knowingdamngoodandwellit’sallhim.

“You.”Ibreathe.

“Me?”Healmostgrowls.“Whataboutme?”

“Justhearingyou.”Itellhim.“Yousoundgoodonthephone.”

“DoI?”Heasks“YouwannahearmoreofmeCarter?”Hisvoiceissofuckingsexy.

“Yes.” I whimper, it’s not manly at all. I hear him groan at the sound though so I

figurehemustlikeit.I’vegotmycockoutnow,strokingittothesoundofhisvoice.Ifeel
likeateenagerhavingphonesexforthefirsttime.It’ssexyandexhilaratingandIloveit
becauseit’swithAlvin.

“YougoingtoletmeinsideyounexttimeCarter?”Hebreathesheavilyintomyear.

“Yes!” I call out, louder than I have been; he’d asked that right at the moment I’d

squeezedandrotatedmyhand,rightatthehead.

“Ican’twaittofeelyou,baby.Imissedyounexttomelastnight;Ididn’tthinkI’d

evergettosleep.”Heconfesses.WhatareyoudoingtomeCarter?”Hesaysandassexy
ashimtellingmehecan’twaittofeelis;itmakesmesomuchhottertellingmehowmuch
heneedsme.

“Youneedme,Alvin?”Iaskhimbreathlessly.

“Yeahbaby,Ineedyou.”Hesaysandit’sallittakesformetoshootmyload,allover

my shirt and my hand. Hearing me come for him, he lets out a growl that pulls another
shotfromme.Himandhisgrowls,Iswearhesoundslikeagorillaorsomething.He’sso
big and his voice is so deep, every time it does it, it goes right through me. I think he
knowsittoo.

“Whenareyoucomingback?”Iaskhimonasigh.Iknowit’scrazy,Iknowitmight

turnhimofftoknowhowbadlyIwishhewashere;butIcouldn’tkeepthequestionin,I
hadtoknow.

“Shouldn’tbetoomuchlonger;Ishouldfinishthingsuptomorrow,I’vegottopack

uphereandgeteverythingokayedtoshiphome.Ittechnicallytakesupto30daystoput
inmyretirementpapersandittobeapproved;soI’lltechnicallystillbeemployedjustnot
active.I’llbefreetocomehomeaftertomorrowIhope.”Heexplains.It’shorribleofme
tosaythatI’mgladhe’sretiring;Iknowhelovedhisjobandhemadeadifference,we’ve
talked about it a couple times. But, if he were to have to leave now, going off to do
dangerousthingsindangerousplaces;I’dworrymyselfsickoverhim.

“Youknow,thefirehouseishiringuptothreefire-fighters.Iknowyouweretrained

EMTthereandyoumentionedtheothernightnotknowingwhattodoforwork.Justan
idea if you were interested. Mr. Fletcher was talking about it to Suzanne Lemons at the
grocery today.” I tell him; still a dangerous job but in a town our size, nothing too
dangerousevergetsoutofhand.

“Really?Imighthavetotalktohimaboutit.Ican’tnotwork,I’lldrivemyselfcrazy.

AndIknowhowmuchdadloveditthere.”Hesayssadly.

“I’msorryhoney,Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.It’stoosoontoevenworryabout

stuff like that; I just thought I’d let you know since we were talking about it the other
night.” I tell him, hoping I didn’t completely ruin the conversation by reminding him of
hisdad.

“No,it’sokay;I’vejusttalkedabouthimalottoday.Allofthem,it’smadeitahard

day.Talkingtoyouhelpsthough.”HesaysandIcan’texplainwhatitdoestomyheartto
hearhimsaythat.

“Good.”Itwasmyturntosay.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to your movie; I’m going to try to get some shut eye

tonightsoIcanhopefullybeonmywaybacksometimetomorrow.Plus,I’vegottoclean
up,I’mallsticky.”Heendsonalaugh;IamtoobutI’dlayhereuntilitturnedtostoneif
itmeantI’dkeeptalkingtohim.

“Ok. You’ll call if you need anything, even if it’s just to talk okay?” I form it in a

questionbutmytonesaysnoargument.

“Yes,sir.”He’ssmilingagain.“Night,baby.”

“Goodnight.”IwhisperbeforeIhangup.

Chapter10:

Alvin

It’stakenacouplemoredaysthanI’danticipated;themilitarydoesthingsonitsown

time and it won’t be rushed for anyone. I’ve kept in contact with Carter the whole time
I’vebeengone,allforthefirstdayIgothere.HehadMaddoxyesterdayalldaysohewas
onlyabletotextoffandon,thenbeforebedwe’dtalkeverynight.HethinksI’mnotdue
backuntiltomorrowbutIgotalateflightout;gettingmehomearound2am.Iknowhe
doesn’thaveanythingplannedtomorrowsoIdon’tfeelbadaboutgettingintotownand
showingupathisplace.

I’m trying not to think too hard about how he’s come to mean something to me in

suchashorttime;Itoldhimtheothernightandit’sthetruth,Idon’tsleepforshitwhen
he’snotaround.Idon’tknowwhattodowiththatsofornow,I’mtakingitonedayata
time.Afterafourandahalfhourflight,I’mfinallyhome;Icallacab,sadlyweonlyhave
twoinourwholetownandtheyworkoncallafterhours;Ifeelbadforwakingsomeone
upthislate,butwedon’thavecarservicesyoucangetfromanapplikethebigcitiesdo.I
know it’s going to take a good half hour for them to get here; then a half hour to get to
Carters,sothesecondIland,Icallforit;knowingI’llbeabittogetoffhereandfindmy
luggage.Igetoutsideandonlywaitforabout10minutesbeforeLillyAnnStevenspulls
up;shewasagradebelowme,butIknewherquitewell.

“AlvinHarrisJr.Whatareyoudoingoutsolate?”sheasksasshehelpsmeputmy

thingsinthecar.ItriedtotellherIhaditbutsheignoredme.Ionlyhadonebagandone
carryonsoitonlytookasecond.

“Just getting in; why are you out so late? Your brother should be out picking up

strangers.” I tell her honestly. Although our town is really small, picking people up at
airportstheycouldbeanyonecomingfromanywhere.

“Ah, don’t be sexist Mr. Harris. Nobody messes with me; plus, I’ve got mace up

here.”Shesaysonagiggle.“Hey,Iwasrealsorrytohearaboutyourparentsandsisters;I
wasgoingtocomeandsayhiattheburialbutyoudidn’tlooklikeyouwantedcompany.
FiguredI’dcatchyasometimelateron.”Shesaysquietly.ThatwasoneofthereasonsI

optedoutofamemorial;Icouldn’thearthatoverandoveragain.

“Thank you.” I say as I don’t know what else to say. “I wouldn’t have been good

companyatthetimeanyway.”

“Yeah,IsawyouwiththatJensenboy.Ithoughtitrealoddthathe’dhadsuchacrush

onyoubackinthedayandheuseditasawaytogetclosetoyouatsuchahardtime.I
hopehehasn’ttakenadvantageoranything.”Shesaysinacattyway.Ididn’tunderstand
her reaction for two reasons, one because why would she have such a nasty reaction to
Carterandtwo,whosaidhehadacrushonme,ever?

“Hewhat?”Iaskherdisbelievingly

“Wellyouknow;whenpeoplearevulnerable,peoplesometimestakeadvantageofa

situation.Youdidn’tlooklikeyouwereinanywaytofightoffanyadvancesoranything.”
Sheshruggedlikesheknewwhatthefuckshewastalkingabout.Ididn’tcareaboutthat
part; she was fucking stupid if she thought that little 5’8 Carter Jensen could overpower
metotakeadvantageofme.Idiot.

“Notthatpart;hehadacrushonme?”Iasked,stillreelingaboutitandcuriousifit

weretrue.

“Ohmygoodnessdoll;don’ttellmeyoudidn’tknow;thewayhe’dstareatyouin

third period Literature, junior year. He got in trouble for it several times, if I remember
correctly.”Shetellsmelikeit’snobigdeal.“ThenwhenhesawyoudancingwithCagney
RobertsatPrombecausehisdatewhowashisstraightbestfriendblewhimoffandmade
funofhimforwantinghimtodance;youdancedwithhiminfrontofGodandeverybody.
Didn’tcarewhatanybodywassayingabouttwoboysdancingtoaslowsong.Carterhad
been keeping an eye on you all night, probably mustering up the courage to ask you to
dance;thenyouwentoffwithCagney,Iswearitaboutbrokethekidsheart.”Shesayson
alaugh;likehurtingsomeonelikeCarterisacceptable,intentionallyornot.

“Ididn’tknowhefeltthatway;Ihardlyrememberedhim.”Isaytomyselfmorethan

her;hisreactionthemorningafterthefuneralmakesmoresensenowthatIknowthat.

“Oh, honey; I think everyone knew except you. Even Brad Thomas kicked his ass

afterthefootballgameagainstSheltonHighbecauseheheardCartercheeringforyouand
hethoughtitwasgross.”Shesaidlikeitwasallthelatestgossip.Inoticedthatwewere
drivinginthedirectionofmyhouseandI’dnoteventhoughttotellherIdidn’twanttogo
there.

“TakemetoCarterswillyouLillyAnn?I’mnotgoinghome.”Itellher;pissedall

thesuddenthatIdidn’tknowanyofthisshit.HowstuckupmyownasscouldIhavebeen
thatnotonlydidn’tIrecognizesuchawonderfulpersonbutIalsodidn’tknowhe’dhad
feelings for me; ones that had gotten him hurt or that had hurt his feelings, even if just
once.

“YouwanttogotoCarters?”Shesaidaccusingly.

“Ido,isthataproblem?”Igrowledatherattitude.

“No.” She’d changed her tune real quick at my reaction. What the fuck was wrong

withpeople?Ihadthoughtabouttippinghergoodsinceshe’dgottenoutlatetogetme;
nowIdidn’twanttogivehershitforallthemouthrunningshedid.Ididn’tsayawordto
herasshepulledupatCarters,Igotmybagsandpaidherplusafivedollartipandturned
andwalkedaway.

Making my way up to Carter’s apartment; I find myself knocking louder than I

probablyshouldhaveatsuchanhour.Icouldn’thelpitthough;Iwantedtoseehimmore
nowthanever.NotonlyhadImissedhim;butIfeltlikeanassholeforalltheyearsthatI
didn’tnoticehim.Aweekortwoornot;Iwasn’tlettingthathappenagain,hewasallI
noticed.

Chapter11:

Carter

IaboutjumpoutofmyskinwhenIhearabangingonmydoor;lookingattheclockI

realizeit’sonlyafter3am.Knowingithastobesomekindofemergency;becausenothing
good happens when someone calls or bangs on your door after midnight. I jump up and
racetothedoor;withoutevenlooking,Iswingthedooropenandcomefacetofacewith
Alvin. A more gorgeous than ever but worried looking Alvin; I open my mouth to ask
whathe’sdoinghereorwhat’swrongbuthedropsthebagsIdidn’tnoticehewascarrying
and crashes his mouth to mine. It takes me a minute to catch up because I’m not sure
what’sgoingon.Decidingtosayfuckit,Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandkisshim
backwitheverythingIhave.

“What’sgoingon?What’swrong?”IsayonceI’mabletotearmylipsfromhis.

“What?”heasks,stillhangingontome.

“I thought you weren’t getting back until later tomorrow?” I ask; still reeling from

himbeinghere.

“Iwasgoingtobut,Iwantedtogetback;Icouldn’tsleepanyway.ThenIdidn’twant

togotomyhousebecauseIwantedtoseeyouandIdidn’twanttowaituntiltomorrow
when I was so close to you anyway.” He rambles and then kisses me again. “I missed
you.”Hefinallysaysagainstmylips.IlovewhenhesayssomethingagainstmylipsandI
canfeelitvibratethroughmywholebody.

“Imissedyoutoo.”Isay,hugginghimclosertome.

“I’m so tired; I know it’s late, can I come to bed with you?” He asks the world’s

dumbestquestion.Idon’tevenanswer;Ijustgrabhishandandpullhimwithmetomy
room.Iclimbbackinbedandwatchhimundress;assexyasitiswatchinghimtakehis
clothesoff,hereallylooksexhausted.Heclimbsintobedwithmeandrollstofaceme.

“Hi.”Hesmilesatme;hishandsonmyface.

“Hey.”Ismileback;lovingthathe’shere,inmybed.

“I’m glad you’re here.” I tell him, why hide it; I’m pretty sure the perma-grin I’m

wearingisn’tfoolinghimabit.

“I’m glad I’m here too.” He whispers and kisses me; it’s soft and sweet, if I didn’t

have previous experience with it; I’d swear he wouldn’t be capable of something so
gentle.

“CanIaskyousomething?”Heasksme,lookingseriousandabittroubled.

“Course.”Itellhim,hecanaskmeanything.

“Lilly Ann Stevens picked me up from the airport just now and she seems to think

youhadathingformebackinhigh-school.”Helooksnervous.Ican’timaginewhy;I’d
thinkawholelotofpeoplehadathingforhimbackinhigh-school.Ismileanyway.

“Yeah,Idid.”Itellhimhonestly;nosenseinhidingitnow.“Icouldtellyouevery

encounterweeverhad,everwordyoueverspoketomeandeverytimeIwantedyouto
notice me. I figure a lot of folks felt that way about you in high-school, you were
impossiblenottolike.”Idon’tembellish.It’sthetruth,allofit.Hestilllookstroubled.I
mean, it’s not creepy or anything; it’s not like I had a shrine of him in my room or
something.“What’swiththeface?”Iask.

“Like, was it a crush, crush or something more than that?” Well shit, I wasn’t

expectingthat.

“Imean;itwentonforalongtimebutIwasn’tcreepyaboutitoranything.”Itell

him,gettingembarrassedaboutitnow.

“No,Imean;didIeverhurtyourfeelingsorgetyouhurtbecauseofit?”Hepalms

myface,keepinghiseyesonmyface.

“No more than any openly gay kid in high-school I guess, there were some people

whodidn’tlikeitbut;itwasn’tawful.ItshowIbecameclosewithyourdadactually.”I
tellhim;thentellhimthestoryofhowhecaughtthoseboysfollowingmehomefromthe
library.HesmiledalotwhenI’dtalkabouttheconversationshisdadandmehad;howhe
madethoseboysvolunteerforthesummerandhowIoneofthemendedupbeingmybest
friend Patrick who apologized when he came out and was later able to meet his partner
Eddie.Somepeople;youjustneverknewwhotheywereorwhattheywerehidingbehind
beingabully.It’swhytheBigBrother/BigSisterprogramhassuchprogramsforbullying
andbullies.

“Ijustdidn’twanttomesomeonewhohurtyou,intentionalornot.I’msorryIdidn’t

recognizeyou;ItriedtobenicetoeveryoneinschoolthenIgotsocaughtupinsportsand
working myself up to enlist. I didn’t have a lot of time to notice guys or anything. But
you”hestartstosay.“IwishI’dhavenoticedyou,I’msorryIdidn’t.”Hewhispersand
kissesmeagain.Idon’tevenknowwhattosaytothatbecauseononehandI’mgladhe
didn’t.Itwouldhaveeitherbrokemyheartwhennothingcameofit;orkilledmewhenhe
left.Itwouldhavemademyteenageyearsprettygreatthough.Insteadofsayinganything
inreturnIjustrestmyselfonhischest;hisarmswraparoundmeandwelaythereinthe

dark.

After several minutes of silence he asks: “Will you help me do something

tomorrow?”

“Absolutely,whatarewedoing?”Iturntolookathim.

“Iwanttocleanoutthehouse.Iwanttoboxupthingstodonateandworkonmaking

itmyhouse.Itshome,Iwanttomakeitmyhome;youknow?”Hesayssadly.

“Yeah, we can do that.” I cuddle back into him. “Why don’t you sleep for a while,

you’resleepy.”Ikisshisshirtlesschestandlookupathimandrealizehe’salreadyasleep.
Arms still around me, holding me tightly to him but sound asleep. Smiling to myself, it
onlytakesmeminutestofollowhimintosleep.

We both sleep until half passed 10 in the morning. We’re lazy and slow getting up

andmoving.Showeringtogetherandmakingasmallbreakfast;wemakeourwayoverto
hishousearound11:30.Hedecidestostartinhisparents’room;sinceitwouldbethe
hardest, we stopped and got boxes from the department store, they always have some
they’rethrowingoutandAlvinhadaskedthemafewdaysagotoholdsomeforhim.He
toldthemhe’dpayforthembutIthinktheyknewwhatheneededthemfor;sotheygive
himtohimfreeofcharge.Miss.Delaneyevenhuggedhimbeforehewalkedout.While
Alvin is in his parents room; I tackle the laundry room, just folding up the clothes and
putting them in boxes, he can look through them and see if there are any favorites he
wantstokeep.EverytimeIfindalittleshirtorsockofthegirls;itmakesmewanttocry.I
can’timaginehowAlvinwouldhavehandledit.

“Baby, can you come here?” I hear Alvin holler from his parents’ room. I run,

thinkingsomething’swrong.WhenIgettotheroom;he’sstandingbythedresserandhis
eyeslookalittlepuffybutnotwetatthemoment.

“What’swrong?”Isay,lookingaroundasifsomethingintheroomcantellmewhy

he’scalledme.IlookbackathimandIcan’tnametheemotiononhisface.Helooksa
little bit like he wants to laugh; but a little like he might throw up. “Honey, what is it?”
I’manxious,he’snotsayinganything.

“Canyou…handlethesetwodrawershereformeplease?”Hesayspointingtothe

two side drawers. “They’re my moms, and…. I can’t.” He waits for my nod and walks
away.Iknewthiswouldbehardonhim,Ihatethatheevenhastodoitatall.Iopenthe
topdrawerandit’sfilledwithbrasandpanties.Notjustanybraandpanties;sexybrasand
panties.Abubbledupsurprisedlaughbellowsoutofme;Ithoughtthiswasgoingtobe
toosadforhimtodoitandinstead,hejustdidn’twanttotouchhismom’sladystuff.I’m
prettysureI’minlovewithhim.

Chapter12:

Alvin

Boxing up my parent’s lives was torture. I wouldn’t have gotten through it without

Carter.Iwouldn’thavegottenthroughanythingthismonthwithoutCarter.Ittookusthree
soliddays to boxeverything up andtake it to thecorrect places. Wehad to stop several
times,becausementallyandemotionallyIcouldn’thandleit.Thegirls’bedroombeinga
big one; I’d found letters to me when I was deployed. Journals that they’d both had. I
didn’t read them but I did keep them; Carter said I might want to read them some day.
They’d had pictures and Alexis had short stories she’d written. I wasn’t ready to go
throughallofitjustyet,butIpackedthemupandputthemintheattictokeepsafe,same
with keepsakes I wanted to keep of my parents’. Some I left around the house, pictures
and such that had significant meaning to me. I was going to convert the girls’ and my
roomintoguestrooms;eventuallyI’dtakemyparentsroom,itwasthemasterbedroom
andhaditsownbath.MakessenseI’dtakeitifitwasonlygoingtobemeherenow.That
wouldtakesometimethough;I’dworkuptothat.

SchoolstartsforCarterintwoweeksandI’vejustgottenajobatthefirehouse.I’m

anEMTatthemomentsinceIwasalreadycertifiedforit,butI’mgoingtobetrainingto
become a fire-fighter like my dad was. It’s something I can be proud of and I’d like to
think he’d be happy that I was doing what he did. Because each fire-house requires an
emergency responder ambulance truck, that’s what I got hired on as for now. The last
monthhasbeenamazing;hardgettingusedtolivingalifewithoutmyfamilybutI’mnot
alone.I’vehadCarter.I’vemethismotherandspentsometimewithLizwhenwe’vehad
Maddox.Liz,Icanhandle,she’sniceeven;Carter’smomhowever,Idon’tthinkshe’sa
fanofmine.ShethinksI’musingCarterasacrutchandthatwhenI’mdonemourningI’ll
get over my co-dependency and not need him anymore. Carter thinks it’s because when
hisdadpassedaway,shedealtwithitonherownandshebelievesitmadeherstronger.
She’s me as weak, I guess because I make no excuses at all; I know I wouldn’t have
surviveditwithouthim.Especiallythefirstcoupleweeks.

I don’t think it makes me weak at all, I think it makes me lucky. I’ve never met

anyonelikeCarter;he’samazing,smart,charming,sweet,gorgeousandmine.I’dalsomet
his friends Ellie and Sarah, they don’t get together much anymore because they have a
smallbabyandbothhavefulltimejobs.Wewenttotheirhouseoncethoughandtheyboth
lovedme;evenmorethanthat,theylovedmeforCarter.

Speaking of, I’m supposed to be meeting him for dinner tonight in about an hour;

he’s been preparing things for his classroom little bit, by little bit so we’ve both been
prettybusylately.Seeinghimlightupwhenhetalksabouthisstudents;it’shardtopicture
himeverdoinganythingelse.Hewasborntobeateacher.He’spatientandunderstanding;
everyonewhoknowshimloveshim,especiallyhisstudents.Justgettingoffshift,Ihear
my phone ringing in my bag. I bring extra clothes because going home smelling like
smokeisnotsomethingIwanttomakeahabitof.Diggingitout,IfindJoshcalling;my
oldbunkie.

“Hello.”Ianswerquickly,afraidIdidn’tgettoitintime.

“Hey buddy, how’s civilian life treatin’ you?” He asks cheekily. One thing about

Josh,thekidneverendsanythingwith“ing”,thegisalwaysmissin.Iusedtomakefunof
himforit;butitsuitshim,it’sjustthewayhetalks.

“I like it; I don’t have to worry about blowing my ass up every day.” I tell him

honestly.

“I hear that man, what are you doing with yourself now days? Sitting on a beach

somewherelikearetiredoldman?”Helaughsagain.

“Nah, I’m back in my home town, working for the firehouse like my dad did.

Trainingtobecomeafire-fighter.”Isay.

“What?” He says unbelievably, “You get out of one fire-fight to join another one?

What’swrongwithyou?”Hejokes.

“Yeahwell,youknowme….Can’tbestillfortoolong,I’llgetboredwithmyself.”I

tellhim.

“Youareprettyboring.”Hedeadpans.

“That’snotwhatyourmomsays.”Ilaughathim;mature,Iknow.

“Fuckthat.I’dbeoffendedifyou’ddoanythingwithmymomotherthanbakeapie

or some shit. We all know you don’t swing that way… and if you did, it sure as fuck
wouldn’tbewithmymom.”Hecacklesbackatme.

“Yeahwell…yourdadthen.”IsaytryingtokeeptheoneupIthoughtIhad.Itdidn’t

work,hejustlaughsgood-naturedly.

“So, what’s up with you man? What’s got you calling me in the middle of a

Tuesday?”Iaskcuriously.

“Hell,I’mgettingsentback;9monthsthistime;thenthisisit.Justwantedtomake

sureyouweredoin’goodandtellyouthatifIdon’tmakeitbackIgotsomeshitcomin’to
you.”Heinformsme.Wealwaysdonethis;ifsomethin’weretohappentome,he’dhave
stufftobringtomyfamilyandviceversa.

“Damnman,sucksIwon’tbetheretohaveyourback.Youbettercomebackinone

piece.” I tell him, honestly a little bummed that I won’t be there with him. We’d been
throughthelastfouryearstogether;twotoursandarescuemission.“Youbettercallme
theminuteyougethome,youhearme?”Ihalfwaydemand.

“Yeahbuddy,Ipromise;you’llbeoneofthefirstwhenIland.”Hesaysquietly.It’s

alwaysascarypossibilitythatthis’llbethelasttimeItalktohim.Everytimeyougoout,
itcouldbethelasttimeyouseesomeoneandthesepeoplebecomeyourfamily.

“Alrightman,youtakeiteasyandwatchyourback.”Iwanttodemandagain.“When

yougetback;youshouldcomespendafewweekswithme.I’llshowyouhowusregular
folkslive.”

HelaughsandthemoodisslightlylighterbutIreallyhopeIgetthechanceto.“Sure

thingpal,I’lltalktoyousoonalright?”Hesays.

“Yeah,youbetter.I’lltalktoyalaterJosh.”Isaybeforehangingup.Idon’tthinkI

couldhandlehimsayinggoodbye,soIendedthecallbeforehegotthechance.

Carter,beingCartercanalwaystellwhensomethingisbotheringme,Itellhimabout

myphonecallwithJoshsoagain,CarterbeingCarterhespenthiswholenighttakingcare
ofme.Thereisnothingthismanwouldn’tdoforme,I’mprettyfuckingsureI’minlove
withhim.

Over the next couple months we’ve settled into a sort of routine; I take a slew of

hour’sworthoffire-fightingtraining,IdothefirescienceclasseswhileI’mnotatwork
andthenwhenIamatworkIgetfulltimetrainingthereaswell.Itfeelsgoodtobedoing
something useful. I’m completely and officially retired from the United States Marine
Corps;and I’ve beengoing over itin my head aboutasking Carter tomove in with me.
OtherthanthetimeIhadtogobacktoArizona,therehaven’tbeenawholelotoftimes
thathespentthenightawayfromme;we’reeitheralwaysathishouseoralwaysatmine.
We’ve never officially declared ourselves a couple come to think of it; we’ve just never
wantedorneededtospendtimeawayfromeachother.Istilldon’tsleepwellwithouthim
andhedoesn’tseemtowanttosleepwithoutme.So,thisshouldbethenextstepright?
I’mabsoluteshitatdoinganythingromanticbutIthinkcookinghimhisfavoritedinner;
which is shrimp fettuccine, and I’ll ask him over dinner. Thinking maybe I should get
some candles and maybe some flowers; I want this to be a somewhat big occasion.
Decidingtogotothemarketandaflorist,Itextmymantoseewhenhe’llbedonetonight.

Me:Heybaby,how’syourdaysofar?

It takes a while, as I knew it would. He doesn’t text me back unless the kids are

occupiedoratlunchorsomething.Luckilythestoreisn’tpackedsoI’mabletogetinand
get what I need fairly quickly, It’s going on 3 now, so, depending on what he has to do
afterclass,Idon’thaveawholelotoftimetopullthistogether.I’mjustwalkingintothe
floristwhenIgethistextback.

Carter:Looooong,Ican’twaittobehome.

Idon’tknowwhichhomehemeans,myhomeorhis.

Me:Dinneratmine?I’llcookyousomethingfancy<3

Yes;Iuseemoji’s,haveyouevertriedtogetatextfromsomeonewhodidn’tuseone.

It almost seems rude. You can’t gage someone’s emotions by a text message. “See you
later”soundssoboring,butwhenyouaddanemoji,like“Seeyoulater;)”itjustworks
better.Don’tjudgeme.

Carter:Nowthat’sadeal.I’llseeyouaround4:30-ish

Me:Perfect,seeyouthenx

KnowingIhavealittletimebeforehegetshome,I’mnotinsucharush.Iwantto

makethisperfect;itreallymakesmewishmydadwasaroundsoIcouldaskhimforsome

advice on it. I could really use a pep talk right about now too. The lady florist who is
tellingmethemeaningbehindallthesetypesofflowerstellsmeIshouldgetpinklily’s
withafewsoftpinkrosesthrownintothebouquettoberomanticandIhavetosay;they
arereallypretty;forflowers.

I finally make it home after a lengthy 25 minute conversation on the meaning of

flowers, which I had to cut short because what about me looks like I need a lesson on
fuckingflowers?Now,pressedfortime,Iboilthenoodlesandstartpreppingthesaladand
shrimp.LuckilyItookashowerbeforeleavingthestationorI’dhavehadnotimetodoit.
Mynervesareshot,I’mfeelingreallyanxiousallthesuddenthatthismightbetoosoonor
thathemightsayno.WhatifHEthinksit’stoosoon?I’vereallygotmyselfworkedup
overitbythetimeIhearhimpullin;watchinghimwalkinthedoorthough,thesurprise
onhisfacewhenheseestheflowersonthetableandafewcandleslitaroundthedining
room. I’m blanketed with a calm that I only get when I’m with Carter, and I know
immediatelythatit’snottoosoonandhebetternotsayno.

“Hey, what’s all this?” he asks as he makes his way to the kitchen to kiss me. The

way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me. Have I mentioned before that this man is
fuckingadorable?

“ItoldyouIwasgoingtocooksomethingfancy.”Itellhimbeforeleaningdownto

kisshissurprisedface.

“Theseflowersarebeautiful,what’stheoccasion?”heasksandthengoestothetable

tocloserinspecttheflowers.

“How about, you go take a shower, get comfy clothes on, we’re staying in tonight

andbythetimeyougetback,dinnershouldbedone.Soundlikeaplan?”Ilookupfrom
thestoveandseehimtakingeverythingin;he’seasytopleasejudgingbythelookonhis
face.Ishoulddothingslikethisforhimmoreoften.He’sdonesomuchforme,showing
himalittleappreciationnowandthenistheleastIcoulddo.

“K”hewhispersbeforewalkingdownthehalltothebathroom.He’sgotclothesin

my closet just the same as I’ve got clothes in his. I do like seeing him in my clothes
though.Aftereverythingisdone,Itoogotomyroomandchangeintomorecomfortable
clothes.BythetimeImakeittothediningroom,he’soutoftheshowerlookingwarmand
homey.Seeinghimhererightnow,hebelongshere.

“Thislooksamazing;myfavorite,thankyoufordoingthis,honey,it’ssosweet.”He

leans over and kisses me quickly before we both go about making our plates. We make
smalltalkaboutourdaysandthemoreIthinkabouthowtodoit,themoreanxiousIam
tojustblurtitout.Idon’tknowwhyI’mmakingitsuchabigdeal,butitisabigdealto
me.Iwanthimtowantalifewithmeandthisisjustthestartofit.It’sabigstep.

“Baby.”Isay,noticingthatI’vecuthimoffwithoutmeaningto;hewasinthemiddle

oftellingmesomethingbutIcan’tholditinanymore.

“Sorry,Ineedtoaskyousomething.”Isaylamely.

“Okay.” He says hesitantly. “Is everything okay?” he reaches for my hand, looking

concerned.

“Ineedyoutomoveinwithme….Here…..Iwantyoutomovein.”Isputterlikethe

idiotthatIam.I’vealwayssaidhisramblingiscutebutthis?Thiscannotbeattractive.

“What?”heaskssurprised.

“Okay,thatcouldhavegonebetter.”Isaystupidlyagain;Ishouldhaveplannedthis

outmorecarefully.“WhatImeanis,Ilikeyouhere,inmyhouse.Ilikewakinguptoyou;
you know I don’t sleep well without you beside me.” I tell him sincerely, thinking that
honestyisalwaysgoodsowhynotgowiththat.IfIthoughthewassurprisedbefore,it’s
gotnothingonhimnow.Itakehisotherhandinmineandgoforbroke.“I’mprettysure
I’minlovewithyou,Idon’twanttobewithoutyou.Willyoujustmovein?”There,that
wasalrightwasn’tit?Hiseyebrowsareuptohishairlineandhismouthishangingopen;
maybeitwasn’t.

“You”….Hestartsbutshakeshishead,ishethinkingaboutitortellingmeno?I’m

unsure.“Youwantmetomoveinhere?”Heasksquietly,likemaybeheheardmewrong
orsomething.

“Yes,Iwantthatverymuch.”Isayagain,honestly.“Ifyoudon’twanttoorthinkit’s

toosoon;that’sokaytoo.ThisisjustsomethingIwant,ifyouaren’treadyorwhatever,it
doesn’t change anything okay? It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.” I back
peddlealittle,hopingandprayingatthemomenthedoesn’tsayno.

“Youthinkyou’reinlovewithme?”Hesqueaksout.Fuck,Ididsaythatdidn’tI?I

wasn’tgoingtothrowthatoutthereyet.Mightaswellownit,Idoactuallymeanit.

“Yeah, baby. I do.” I tell him softly, wiping the one tear that he’s let escape. I’ve

eitherdonereallywell,orhe’sabouttoturnmedown.Again,Ican’tbecertain.Idon’t
wanttorushhimbutI’mdyingforayesoranorightnow.Preferablyayes.“Sooooo….
Whatdoyousay?”Iasknervously,he’shonestlygivingmenothingtogoonhere.

“Yes.”Hewhispersso,sosoftly.“Yes,I’llmoveinwithyou.Iloveithere.”Hesays

afterwhatfeelslikedays.Isaginreliefbeforepullinghimtomeandspearingmytongue
inhismouth.Thattookayearoffmyfuckinglife,Iswear.

“DidyouthinkI’dsayno?”Heaskswithhishandsstillonmyface.He’slaughingat

me,Iknowit.

“I wasn’t sure, I hoped not.” I tell him honestly and he laughs outright now, not

worriedaboutholdingitinanymore.Ican’tevenbemad,hesaidyes!Pullinghimtome
again,I’mexcitedforthewayournightisgoingtogo;Ithinkit’stimetocelebrate.

Justasourkissisgoingfromsweetandexcitedtodirtyandexcited,myphonerings

from the kitchen. I would have just let it go to voicemail but while I’m training at the
station,I’mtobeoncallincaseofanemergency.“Sorrybaby,Ihavetogetit;itcouldbe
work.”Itellhimwhilegettinguptoanswer,Ihearhimgrumblesomethingbutitwasto
quiettohear.Iknowhedoesn’tmeanit;he’sveryencouragingandsupportiveofallthe
extrahoursIhavetocompletetogetcertified.Whileanemergencycallwouldabsolutely
ruinthemoodrightnow,whendutycalls,dutycalls.

“Hello?”Ianswertheunknown,notlocalnumberflashingonmyscreen.

“Mr.Harris?”averyformalspeakingwomansays.

“Yes, ma’am.” I say back just as formal. I feel like I’ve got lead in my gut, by the

toneandthetemperamentinjusthersayingmyname,Iknowthiscallisn’tgoodnews.

“I’mcallinginregardstoCorporalJoshuaDiaz.”Shesaysandjustlikethat;myfeet

can’tholdmeupandIslidedownthewallinthekitchenwhileshetellsmethatJoshand
hisunitwasambushedandfiredon.It’sallIhear.

Chapter13:

Carter

Ican’tbelievehe’saskedmetomovein.Helookedworriedwhenhefirstaskedme,

likeI’dsayno.Healsojusttoldmehewasinlovewithme.IfIcouldgobackandtell
teenagemethis,he’dneverbelieveme.IhearAlvinmurmuringinthekitchen,Ihopehe
doesn’thavetogointoworktonightbecauseIdidn’tevengetachancetotellhimIlove
himback.Iwasreelingfromhisquestionthenhisconfessionittookmeafewminutesto
actuallysayanything;thenhelookedreadytopassoutIhadtosayyesbeforeanything
else.Whenhehadn’tcomebacktothediningroomafteracoupleofminutes,Iwentto
investigate.Walkingintothekitchen,Iseehimonthefloor;headinhishandsrestingon
hisknees,helooksupatmeandI’mhitwithinstantdread.Hisfacehaslostallitscolor,
his eyes are wet and he looks completely and utterly heartbroken. I’ve seen this look
before,whenhefirstcamehome.

“What happened?” I ask immediately, going to my knees as well. I grab his hands

andforcehimtolookatme.“Alvin,whathappened?”Iaskagain.

“It’sJosh.”Hewhispersbrokenly.He’stoldmeendlessstoriesofJoshandtheother

guysinhisunit.Joshwaswithhimthelongestandwhenhecalledacouplemonthsagoto
tell Alvin he was getting sent back overseas for a while; it took Alvin days to stop the
constantworryandgetbacktobeinghimselfagain.Ican’timaginethatlife;howstrong
and brave these men and women are who fight for our freedom. They do it willingly,
knowingtherisksandstillsacrificingnotonlytheirtime;manyaregoneformonthsand
yearsatatime,awayfromtheirfamilies,butsomesacrificetheirlives.Waytoomany,in
myopinion.

“What’sJosh?Whathappened?”Ibeghimtotellme.Hedoesn’tseemtohearme;

he’sstaringrightthroughme.

“He got ambushed, he’s badly hurt. They had to amputate his leg in the field.” He

can’tseemtospeakaboveawhisper.

“Well,ishegoingtobeokay?Whereishenow?”Iquestion,hopingtheygavehim

enoughinformationtoatleastholdhimoveruntilhecantalktohim;Godwilling.

“They’rebringinghimhomeassoonashe’sfitenoughtotravel.Shesaid…thelady

saidshe’dhavehimtocallmeassoonashewasable.Ineedtotalktohimbaby;Ihaveto
knowhe’sokay.”Hesays,finallylookingatme.

“Youwill;he’llcallyouassoonashecan,youknowhewill.”Itellhimsoftly“Let’s

getoffthefloor,whydon’tyoucometothekitchenwithmeandwe’lltalkwhileIdothe
dishes. You cooked, I’ll clean.” I help him up off the floor, he’s giant so I’m not really
helping but he makes me think I am. “Thank you for surprising me with dinner, it was
verynice.”Itellhimandthenstandonthetipsofmytoestokisshim.Heisn’tsaying
muchofanythingwhileIdothedishes;hejustsitsatthetable,thinking.Iknowhe’slost
inhisheadbecausethemoreItalkthemoreseemstonothearme.WhenIstopthough,he
tiltshisheadtowardsmelikehe’sstrainingtohearwhetherornotI’vestopped.

ItrytogivehimasmuchspaceasIcan;IwanthimtoknowthatI’mhereifheneeds

me but I don’t want to smother him either. We sit together in the living room after I’ve
gotten my notes and papers I need to grade from this week and he stretches out on the
couchwhileIsitonthefloorinfrontofhim,usingthecoffeetableasamakeshiftdesk.
Hestillisn’tsayingmuchbuteveryonceinawhileI’llfeelhimreachoverandtouchmy
hairorthebackofmyneck.Finally,afteracouplehoursofgradingandputtingtogethera
lesson plan for tomorrow, I pull him up off the couch and lead him to our room.
Technically,it’sourroomsinceI’veagreedtomovein.Wemovedallofhisstuffintohis
parents’oldroomoncewerepaintedandmadeitmore“Alvin”,becauseIwasheretohelp
though,Iputmyownstamponthingsaswell.I’mgladIdidthat.Afterquietlyundressing
and meeting each other in bed; he grabs my wrist and pulls it across his middle. I love
whenhemakesmewraphimuplikethis.Insteadofjustaskingmetoholdontohim,he
justputsmewherehewantsme.

“Would it be okay if I ask Josh to do his recouping here when he gets out of the

hospital?”hewhispersinthedarkofourcool,airconditionedroom.“Hegrewupinfoster
care and although he has a sister, I don’t think her husband and him get along.” He
explains. I don’t know much about Josh personally, only the stories about their time
servingtogether

“Ofcoursehecan.”Iwhisperback.

“Youreallywouldn’tcare?”Hepullsbacktolookatme.

“Ifyouwanthimherehoney,Iwouldn’tmindabit.I’llhelpinanywaythatIcan.”I

tell him honestly. I know that he’s the closest thing to a best friend that Alvin has. Of
course,I’dwanttohelphim.

“Thank you.” He whispers against my lips as he rolls me onto my back. The first

timeAlvinandIweretogether,heneededmeinadifferentway.Sincethen,he’sstrictly
beenatop,whichisgoodformebecauseI’mnormallystrictlyabottom.Ilovethewayhe
feels inside me; I love the way he holds me down and takes me and I love the way he
makeslove to me.Depending on hismood he can fuckme hard, fastand rough; he can
make me see stars, or he can love soft and slow and drive me crazy until I he has me

screamingforhim.Tonight,he’slovingme.

Thewayheframesmyfacewhileheexploresmymouth,thewayhishandsmapmy

body, I can’t get enough of him. He takes his time with me making sure everything is
perfect for me. I guess I should have known the first time he made love to me this way
that he loved me, because even though he didn’t tell me; every second of it was him
showingme;andjustliketonight,he’sdoingitalloveragain.Bythetimehefinallyfalls
asleep,satedandspent;Icantellit’sgoingtobearestlessnightforhim.NotevenIcan
calmhimthistime.TheonlythingIcandoisbehereforhimwhenheneedsme.Ifear
thiswillbehowthingsareforhimuntilhe’sabletotalktohisfriend.BeforeIfallasleep,
IrealizethatearlierwhenhetoldmehelovedmeIdidn’thaveachancetotellhimback
beforethephonerang;andjustnowwhilewewerewrappedupineachother,Ishowed
himwithmybodyoverandoverbutIneversaidthewords.Idon’twanttowakehimup
justtotellhimbutnowI’mfeelingunsettled,lookslikeit’llbearestlessnightformeas
well.

Thenextmorningistense;IquietlygetreadyforworkandeventhoughIknowhis

moodhasgotnothingtodowithme,Ihaveabadfeelinginside.Fromthebeginninghe’s
neededmeclose,heleanedonme.Thequietwayhe’sbeingnow,itmakesmenervous.I
worryabouthimthroughoutthemorning,sendinghimlittletextsjusttolethimknowI’m
thinkingofhim,howIlovehimandhowmuchIenjoyedlastnight.Heneveranswersme
back. I wish I’d have told him this morning. By lunch time, I try to call. I know he’s at
workbynow,butunlesshe’sonanemergencycall,hehasquiteabitofdowntimeatthe
stationmakinghimabletocallmeback.Itdoesn’tusuallytakehimlongtoansweratext.
I’m going to have to talk to him tonight about pushing me away; I hope that isn’t what
he’sdoing.Ican’timaginehowawfulitwouldbetoloseyourentirefamilyandthenthe
sameyear,onlymonthslateralmostloseyourbestfriend.Ifitweremeinthatsituation
I’d be hesitant to get close to anybody else for fear of losing them as well. It’s a self
preservation to protect yourself from getting hurt, I can understand that. But he doesn’t
needtodothatwithme.It’senoughtocontinuetoworrymethroughouttheday.

Aroundtwoo’clockwhenmystudentsarehavingamathquiz,PrincipleTurnercalls

mefromtheroom.Immediately,Igoonalert;herfaceisunreadableandthewomanlives
withasmileonherface.She’sanamazingprincipleandanamazingperson,thewayher
eyebrowsaresetisunsettling.

“Mr. Jensen, can you come with me please?” she asks formally; another indication

somethingiswrong.Iagreereadilyandasktheteacher’saidefromnextdoortocomesit
with my class until I return. I follow her to the office and see Alvin’s shift leader and
AssistantChief,CarlBradshaw.Heshakesmyhandandasksmetositbut,Ican’t.Ineed
to know what he’s about to tell me before I jump in my car and go to him. I know
something is wrong with Alvin, I’ve felt off all day, I just thought it was something
different.

“Tellme.”Idemandsoftly;knowingwhateverhesayshasthepowertobreakme.

“Therewasanaccidenttoday.Wegotcalledtoastructurefire,butnooneoccupied

theresidence.Oncewedeclaredthehouseclearandempty,Alvinwasdirectedtostayby

the rig in case any of our team members needed assistance. Smoke inhalation or burns,
he’stheretomakesurethey’retreatedassoonaspossible.However,eventhoughhewas
at a safe distance, a fallen piece of debris clipped him from behind and knocked him
down. When he went down, because he wasn’t wearing his gear, his head was
unprotected.Hewasknockedunconsciousandwasunresponsivebleedingtotheheadand
back. Our chief was with him during transport to the hospital but I’m afraid that’s all I
know as of yet. I wanted to come tell you as soon as I could. You’re his emergency
contact.”Heexplainedinahurrybutnotquickenough.Thatexplanationfeltlikeittook
days.

“Ihavetogo.”ItellPrincipleTurnerrightbeforeIturntoruntomycar.

“Yes, of course.” I think I hear her say behind me, but I don’t stop to confirm.

Luckily we only have one hospital in our very small town and it takes me less than 10
minutestogetthere.RunninginthroughemergencyIaskthefirstnurseIsee.

“AlvinHarrisJr.Hewasbroughtinwiththefiredepartment.”Ipracticallyyell.

“Okay sir, come with me.” She’s no nonsense and I’m grateful she asks no further

questionsshejusttakesmetothedeskwhereshe’sclickingaroundI’massumingtryingto
findoutwhereheis.

“Oksir,areyoufamily?”Sheasksafteronlyacouplesecondsofclicking.

“No. I mean, not really no; he’s my boyfriend.” I inform her knowing that if she

deniesme,I’llcomeacrossthisdesk.

“I’msorrysir,Ican’treleaseanyinformationtoanyonebutfamily.”ShesaysandI

wanttoscreamatherthathehasnofamily.ThatIamhisfamily!Ithinkshecantellthat
I’mabouttogoapeshitbecauseinamuchdifferenttone;sheplacesahandonmyarm.

“Sir,howabouttotakeaseatinourwaitingareaandI’llcomeandgetyouassoonas

the doctor has something to report.” I can’t tell if she’s placating me or if she’ll really
throwmeafuckingbone.

“Yeah,okaythanks.Canyoutellmeifhe’sawakeatleast?”Iaskdesperately.Dying

toknowjustanythingshecantellme.Ispenttheentiredrivehereprayingforhimtobe
okay.Ican’timaginemylifewithouthimnowthatI’vehadhim.I’llhatemyselfforeverif
Idon’tgetthechancetotellhimIlovehim.Ipraythatheknows;thatwherehe’satinthis
placeheknowsI’mhere,readytoseehimandtheonlythingIwantistotellhimIlove
him.

“I’mnotsure.AssoonasIseethedoctor,I’llcheckokay?That’sthebestIcando.If

youcangetintouchwithanyofhisfamily,itwouldhelptheprocessalongmuchquicker.
Maybetheycouldgetyouraccesstohismedicalinformation.”Shetriesagaintoplacate
me.

“Hehasnofamily,they’realldead.”Isayandwalkawayfromhershockedface.I

shouldn’thavesaidthat,itwasincrediblyrudeandtactlessbutcomethefuckon.Whydo
theydenypeopletherighttoknowhowsomeoneis?Icouldunderstandifitwasacaseof
domesticorchildabuseorassaultorsomethinglikethat.Butaregularguywhojustgot

hurt on the job, why can’t they tell his boyfriend? I may not be his blood family or his
husband but we live together; how is that not enough to know his medical condition? I
findaseatinthebusywaitingroomandwait.Mymindgoesovereverypossibilitythat
could happen. If he has a brain injury he could be brain dead. He could never wake up.
What if he has memory loss and doesn’t remember me? What if he’s paralyzed and not
abletoworkagain?He’dgocrazynothavinganythingtodo.Hehelpspeople,it’swhathe
does.Whatwillhedoifhecan’tbeapersontohelppeople?He’dbemiserable.

I realize that all the negativity probably isn’t helping; not helping my mood

especially.SoinsteadIpray.Iprayforhimtobeokayandoncewegetoutofherewe’ll
befreetoliveourlivestogetherwithoutanymorecrappilingonus.

“Carter?” I hear from beside me, I didn’t realize I’d had my eyes closed to pray. I

lookupandfindthefirehouseChief.Ijumpupfrommyseat,unabletositstill.

“Howishe?”Ipracticallyyellthequestion.

“Hewasn’tawakewhenwebroughthimin;I’mstillwaitingonthedoctor.Doyou

care if I sit and wait with you? I was told the doctor would find me as soon as they
assessedhim.”HeexplainsbeforetakingtheseatnexttotheoneIwasin.Iknowtheysay
thatnonewsisgoodnewswhenitcomesfromadoctor,butasIsitherewaiting,every
singleminuteI’mleftwaitingherewithnoanswer,it’sanotherpieceofmyheartthatI’m
losing.

Chapter14:

Alvin

ThefirstthingIrealizewhenIcometoismyheadisfuckingpounding.Ihearnoise

andvoicesbutIcan’tdistinguishanyofthem.ThelastthingIrememberisgettingacall
outearlierforastructurefire.Irememberdrivingtoitandtherestisblank.WhenItryto
pry open my eyes the light is so bright it shoots a sharp pain through the back of my
eyelids. I must have made a noise of some kind because I feel someone grab my wrist;
checkingmypulse?

“Mr.Harris,yougavealotofpeopleascare.Canyouopenyoureyesforme?”She

asksalotlouderthansheneedstobe.

“WhereamI?”Iraspout.

“St.Thomas,Mr.Harris.Canyouopenyoureyesforme?”Sheasksagain.I’minthe

hospital?MakessenseIguess;myfuckingheadfeelslikeitexploded.

“Whydoesmyheadhurt?”Iaskcuriously,I’dlikeforhertodosomethingtomakeit

stop.

“YouhityourheadprettyhardMr.Harris.You’vebeenoutofitallday.I’mgoingto

turnthelightdownandIneedyoutotrytoopenyoureyesformeokay?”Sheasks,still

loudasfuck.WhenIstarttoopenmyeyesI’mgratefulthelightsareoffandthere’sonlya
dimlylitlampsittingbesidemybed.WhenIrealizethatshe’stoldmethatI’vebeenout
ofitallday;Icanfeelmyheartstartingtopickupwithpanic.

“Where’sCarter?”Iaskher.

“I’msorry,Idon’tknow.IsCartersomeoneyouwantmetocallforyou?”Shegrabs

apenfromherpocketlikeshe’sgoingtowritedownhisnumber.

“HowlonghaveIbeenhere?HasnobodytoldCarter?He’sgottobeworriedsick.”I

rumble out all at once. I don’t notice how hooked up I am to so many things until I’m
reachingnexttomeforthephone.

“Sir,Ineedtoyoulaybackdownuntilthedoctorcancomeinandtalktoyou.”She

sayshaughtily.

“I need to call Carter.” I say, ignoring her hand on my shoulder trying to push me

backdown.

“Sir,laydownandI’lltrytogetaholdofhim.Ineedyoutogivemehisnumber.”

She’s getting angry now but this bitch hasn’t seen angry. If I’ve been here all day and
nobody’s thought to call Carter, I’m going to be pissed. He’s my emergency contact at
work,surelysomeonecalledhim.

“He’sprobablyhere;canyoufindhim?”Itellher,givinguponthephone.It’stoofar

awaytoeachit.

“Yes, sir. I’ll go look but I need you to calm down until the doctor gets here.” She

tellsmeagain.

“I’ll stay here and not move a muscle if you go out and find my boyfriend. He’s

goingtobeworriedandhe’sgoingtowanttoseeme.Pleasegofindhim.”Itellherwith
barelycontainedattitude.Irealizeshe’sjustdoingherjob,butIwanttoseehim.Justas
she’sreadytoagreeordisagree,thedoctorcomesinwithTheChief.

“Mr. Harris, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” He asks while bringing himself

andaverybrightlighttoshineinmyeyes.

“I’mfine.MyheadhurtsbutIwanttoseemyboyfriend.Chief,didyoucallCarter?”

Iaddressthemboth,cuttingtothechase.

“IhadBradshawgotellhimatwork;he’sbeenheresincebutthey’venotletanyone

intoseeyousincehe’snotfamily.”Hesnapsthatlastbitatthedoctor.

“Ineedhiminhere.”Itellthembothnotcaringwhichonegoestogethimaslongas

someonedoes.TheChiefturnstothedoctorandtellshim“You’vehearditstraightfrom
hismouth,likewe’vetoldyou,youwould.”Thenheturnstome“I’llgogethim.”Isigh
inrelief,Ican’timaginewhathe’sbeenthroughsittingoutthere,notknowinganything.

“Let me get you something for the pain and we’ll go over your injuries, how does

thatsound?”Heaskswhilewritingnotesinhisgiantyellowfolder.

“Fine.”Hepressesthenursescallbuttonandasksforhertobringthemedicine,she’s

thereinseconds.Ifeeltheeffectsimmediately;Iknowthisisgoingtomakemesleep.I’m
goingtofightmyeyestostayopenuntilIseeCarterthough.

“Mr.Harris,whenyoucameinyouwereunconscious,youhadadeepcontusionon

therightsideofthebackofyourhead.Itdidn’tdodamagetoyourskull,thankfullybutit
was dirty and I was worried about infection. During surgery we cleaned you up and
you’vegot5staplesbacktherenow.They’llbetenderandnotalotoffunforawhilebut
scarringshouldbeminimalandyourhairwillcovermostofit.”HeexplainsandIcanfeel
thepainthesecondhesaysit.“You’vealsogotacoupleofbruisedribsontherightsideof
your back, those are going to be uncomfortable as well, but there isn’t much we can do
aboutthose.ThemainthingI’mworriedaboutisinfection;youhaddirtywateranddirt
fromthedebrisfloatingaroundinyourheadwoundandI’dliketotakeacoupledaysto
keepyouwithI.V.antibiotic.Justtomakesureyoudon’tstartrunningafeverorgetting
nauseous.If all iswell by thistime tomorrow and youhave someone tokeep an eye on
you,I’llletyougotomorrow.

“That’s fine.” I slur, it’s hard to keep my eyes open. The door slams open just as I

take an extra long blink and I hear my boy sob. He’s standing by the door and I don’t
understandwhyheisn’tcomingtome.

“Come‘erebaby.”Ireachaheavyhandforhim.That’sallittakesandhe’sbymy

side;holdingmyhandtighttohisheadashebendstomeandcries.

“Baby,it’sokay.I’mokay.”Iwhispersleepily.He’sfoldedhimselfintohishandsand

laidhisheaddownonmybed.Islidemyhandinhishairandholdhishead.It’sasclose
asIcangettohimrightnow.

He takes a deep breath and looks at me. He looks so scared as he checks me over.

Seeming happy with what he sees, he brings his lips to mine. It’s soft; his lips are just
barely touching mine. “I love you.” He whispers to me. “I love you so fucking much, I
wasgoingcrazyoutthere.”HekissesmeagainandIcantastethetearsfallinginstreams
fromhiseyes.“AllIthoughtwasthatifIdidn’tgettoseeyouagain,Ididn’tgettotell
you I love you. Even after last night, after you told me; I still didn’t say it back.” He’s
sobbing into my neck now. My hand is on the back of his head, holding him to me.
Sometimeswhenhe’shadahecticdayorheneedstofindhiscalm,heburieshisnosein
the crook of my neck and breathes me in. He says it calms him. That’s what he’s doing
now;Ididn’trealizehowmuchIloveditwhenitdidthatuntilrightnow.Usuallywe’rein
bedorloungingonthecouchwhenitdoesit.ButIloveitandI’mgladIcanbethatfor
him.

“Iloveyoutoobaby.”Iwhisperagain,barelyholdingontoconsciousness.

“Gotosleephoney,I’llbeherewhenyouwakeupokay?”Hewhispersbackbutmy

eyes are already closed. I can only hum my acknowledgement. I feel better now that I
haveCarterwithme,Icanfeelhishandonmyfaceandlikeeveryothertime,itcalmsme
immediately.

The next time I wake up, Carter is lying in bed with me. I can’t help but smile; I

wonder how many people he pissed off breaking that rule. There’s an unused cot beside

thewindowandthesunisshiningbrightlythroughit.

“You were tossing and turning all night, you only stopped when I got up here with

you.TheytoldmenottobutItoldthemIhadto.”IhearCartermumblenexttome.

“CourseIwas,Idon’tsleepgoodwithoutmybaby.Youknowthat.”Isayandkiss

hishead.

“Thedoctorwasinearlier,hesaidaslongasyoucangetupwithoutdizzinessand

your temperature is normal at five, we can go home.” He tells me without opening his
eyes.

I look at the clock and it’s only a few minutes passed noon. I cuddle back into my

boyandthankGodI’mokay.I’mthankfulthatnotonlyamIokaybutthatwhenIleave
here,I’mgoinghome;tomyhomewithCarter.

Epilogue:Alvin

It’sbeenfourmonthssincetheaccidentIhadatwork.Carterwasreluctantformeto

goback,butwhileItookamonthoffandcompletedtherestofmycourses,onceIwas
backIwasabletotakethetestandpassed.Now,Iamafire-fighterwithEMTtraining.
Not only did I get a raise but I’m also working less hours and have more free time to
spendwithCarter.We’vegothimallmovedinandhelethisapartmentgo;tolivewith
CarterwasmorethanIthoughtitwouldbe.It’snotallsunshineandrosesandwehadour
first fight the first weekend we let Maddox spend the night, which we liked to do every
fewweekstogivehismomabreakandsohecanspendtimewithmeandCarter.Ihave
beenupgradedtoUncleAlvie.Idon’tknowifCarterwilleverhavekids,Idoknowthat
he’sreallygoodwiththembutfornowwe’recontentwithhangingoutwithMaddoxand
thensendinghimhometohismotherwhenwe’rereadyforalonetime.Carterhasrulesfor
himandisveryresponsible,IwasthecoolUnclewithnoruleswhofedhimjunkfoodand
candyuntilCartergothome,heendedupsickinthemiddleofthenightandwhineyfor
the rest of the weekend. We were both on edge after he’d went home, both tired and
grouchyandweendedupgoingateachotherforasolidhourbeforewegaveinandended
ourargumentinbed.CarterlikesitwhenweangryfuckandIholdhimdownandtakeit.
Thattimewasgoodforit.

IalsotalktoJosheveryfewdays,hisrehabishardandhishe’ssufferingfromPTSD

anddepression.He’slearningtowalkwithaprostheticsincehislegwasamputatedjust
belowtheknee.Assoonashe’sdonewithhisrehabandtherapy;he’sgoingtocomeand
staywithmeandCarterforawhile.Ithinklifeinasmalltownwillbegoodforhim.Not
to mention, I’ll like having him around. It’ll still be a couple months, but we’ve got the
guestroommadeupforhimandwe’vemadesomeaccommodationstothehousesohe’ll
have an easier time getting around and stuff; we’ll be ready when he gets here and I’m
gladhe’scomingtobecomeapartofourfamily.IbetevenMaddoxwillbeabighelpfor
him.

Now, it’s been less than a year but I stopped at the same florist with a different

occasion in mind. I got all the fixin’s to make Carter his favorite shrimp fettuccine and
he’s due home any minute. If I thought my anxiety was crazy the last question I had to
ask,ithasnothingonthisone.Iknowforafactifhesaysnotothisone,I’llhavetofind
thenearestcliffandflingmyselfoffofit.I’mreally,reallyhopinghewon’tsayno.

Carter….

When I get home tonight I notice the house is dark, I can see the flicker of candle

lightcomingfromthediningroomandtherearethebouquetofpinkandwhitelily’sas
wellaslightpinkroses;thesameasthelasttimeAlvinwantedtosurprisemewithdinner
andtoaskmetomoveinwithhim.

My heart kicks off the second I see him standing beside the table, the beautifully

decoratedtable,withflowersandcandlesallaroundtheroom.He’sgotabuttonup,navy
blue dress shirt on and his hair is freshly cut. He has the table laid out with a delicious
lookingmealanditlookspipinghot,heplannedthisperfectly.

“Well,well,well…what’stheoccasionthistime?”IteaseasIputmythingsdown

andjoinhim.

“Iloveyou.”HestopsmebeforeIgettohim.

“Iloveyoutoo.”Itellhimback.

“I love you in a way that I know I’ll always love you.” His voice is strong and

confident.It’sjuststruckmethatthismightbewhatIthinkitis.Holyshit,thismightbe
whatIthinkitis.Ihavenowittyretorttosaytothat,Ijuststareathim,hoping….hoping
sobadlythisiswhatIthinkitis.

“WhenIcamehomeCarter,Ithoughtmylifewasover.IthoughtIwouldexistuntilI

died.Ididn’tthinkI’deverhaveanyonetocareaboutortohaveanyonetocareaboutme.
Allofthemweretakenfromme.”Hegetsalittlebitchokedupthinkingabouthisfamily.
Iwishtheycouldbehereforthis.WevisitthemoftenandAlvintalkstothemwhenhe
needsthem.Itmakeshimfeelbetter.

“Ilostthem,butIgotyou.NobodytakescareofmelikeyoudoCarter.I’msolucky

tohaveyou.”Hewhispers.I’mcryingnow,Icanfeelthewetrollingdownmyface.

“Ineedyoutomarryme.”Hisvoiceisstrongagain.“It’snotsomethingIwant,likeI

asked you to move in with me; this is something I need. I don’t want to go another day
without knowing that sooner than later, you’re going to be my husband.” He says and
startswalkingtowardsme.

“Ineedtogotosleepnexttoeverysinglenightandwakeuptheexactsameway;I

need to wrap myself around you every night so I can sleep peacefully and know it’s
becauseyou’rebesideme.AndIneedtomakesurethatifanythinghappenstomeonor
offthejob,thatyou’rethefirstthingIseewhenIopenmyeyes.Ineedthislifewithyou
Carter, and I need it as your husband.” He finishes, or at least I hope he was finished

because the second he says husband I’ve launched myself into his arms. We can worry
aboutdinnerlater,Ineedtoshowmyman,myYES!

TheEnd….Fornow

The next story in this series will be Josh’s! After he comes to stay with Alvin and

Carter,we’llseehimstrugglewithPTSDandlifeasadisabledcivilian.Itwillalsobea
m/m.Followmeon,Facebook,AmazonorGoodreadstokeepuptodateonnewreleases!

©March22,2016

ThankstoCanvaforthehottieonthecover!