MR.RIGHT

J.S.COOPER

Contents

Mr.Right

J.S.Cooper

THANKYOUFORPURCHASINGAJ.S.COOPERBOOK.

PLEASEJOINMY

MAILINGLISTHERE

NewStandaloneBookfromNewYorkTimesBestsellingAuthorJ.S.Cooper.

Somenightsaremeanttoremainasecret.Somenightsaremeanttobeforfun.Somenightsare

meanttolastjustonenight.Itwasneversupposedtohappen.But,wecouldn’tstopourselves.

Onenightbecametoomany.HewastheonemanIwasn’tsupposedtowant.TheonemanIwasn’t

supposedtohave.TheonemanthatcouldneverpossiblybemyMr.Right.Howeverhe’stheoneman

Ican’tgetoutofmymind.He’stheonemanthat’sgoingtochangeeverything.

Onlyhehasasecretthat’sbiggerthaneverythingelse.Hehasasecretthatcouldruineverything.

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,oractualeventsis

entirelycoincidental.Names,characters,businesses,organizations,places,events,andincidentsare

theproductoftheauthor ’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.

EditingbyLoreleiLogsdon

ProofreadingbyProofingstyle

ThisbookisdedicatedtoallthewomenthatarelookingfortheirMr.Right’s.Nevergiveuphopethat

heisoutthere.

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

Mr.Rightisabookthatwaswrittenfrommyheart.Iwouldliketothankthefollowingpeopleforall

oftheirhelpasIwrotethisbook.ThanksgoouttoKatrinaJaekley,TanyaKaySkaggs,StacyHahn,

LaciKeenzel,ChantealJustice,PamSnell,CiliciaWhite,BarbaraGoodwin,KristinaHammock,

KathyShreve,AshleyHedden,KristineRoller,Jean,ReganBrown,KarenGonzalez,CarrieRenteria,

ElizabethHe,theSFWritersintheir20’sand30’smeet-upgroup,andGod.

P R O L O G U E

herearetenthingsyoushouldknowaboutme:

I’

NOT

BAD

GUY

IwasattractedtoherthemomentIsawher.

Ilovetoteaseher.

IknewIwasplayingwithfire.

Iknewshedidn’tknowthetruth.

Ididn’tcare.

Apartofmewasexcitedbythedanger.

Iknewthesexwouldbeamazing.

Ididn’twanttobeherMr.Right.

Ikneweverythingwouldendinfireworks.

HAVE

SECRET

.Abigsecret.Abiggersecretthansheinitiallythinks.It’ssobigthatIthinkI’mgoing

tohavetotakebackthefirstthingyouknowaboutme.TheI’mnotabadguycomment.I’mnotso

surethat’strue.MaybeI’malittlebad.OrmaybeI’malotbad.MaybeIjustdon’tknowanymore.

There’sapartofmethatwishesIcouldchangeeverything.Iknowshelovesmebecauseshethinks

I’mperfect.IknowIloveherbecauseIknowshe’simperfect.I’mjustnotsurewhat’sgoingto

happenwhenshefindsoutthetruth.I’mnotsurewhat’sgoingtohappenwhensherealizesexactly

howtwistedthisallreallyis.

I N T R O D U C T I O N

ARTI

C H A P T E R 1

ess

DAMN

,there’sawarmbodypressingintomefrombehind.And—whoa—Ithinkthatwhoever ’s

behindmeisveryhappyI’mawake,ifthehardnesspushingintomybuttisanyindication.Shit,my

eyesareblinkingrapidlyasIthinkbacktothepreviousnight.Toomanycocktails.Andthenthose

glassesofwine.Andthetwobeers.WhatwasIthinking?Oh,shit.Ifrozeasmymindimmediately

rememberedhimslidingintome,deepandhard.Icanpicturehisintenseeyes,hisloudgrowlsas

he’dslammedintome.Oh,fuck,whathadIdone?

“M

ORNING

,Jess,”hewhisperedintomyearashishandslidaroundtograbmybreast.“Readyfor

roundtwo?”HepinchedmynippleandImoanedandclosedmyeyes.Iwasahorribleperson.I

couldn’tbelieveIwashereinbedwithhim.Icouldn’tbelievewe’dhadsex.Shit,Icouldn’tbelieve

weweregoingtohavesexagain.Iwasabad,badgirlforhavingsleptwithhim.Butfuckit,whatwas

thepointofresistingroundtwowhentherehadalreadybeenaroundone?I’dpayformysinslater.

Whatwasdonewasdone.We’dalreadycrossedthelineofnoreturn.

NEED

tostartatthebeginning.I’mnotabadperson.ThoughI’mnotagoodpersoneither,obviously.

Imean,lookwhoIsleptwith?I’mnotgoingtotellyouyet.Idon’twantyoutojudgemeandthink

I’mhorrible.I’mnothorrible.Really?I’mprettynice.Imean,IthinkI’mevenprettycool,ina“I

sleptwithsomeoneIshouldn’thaveandkindofregretit”way.I’vegotmostofmyshittogether.I’m

agoodfriend.I’mahardworker.Itryandhelppoorpeople.Thatshouldn’tallbeinvalidatedbecause

Ididonebadthing,right?Soyeah,sueme,IsleptwithsomeoneIshouldn’thave.Butreally,how

couldIsayno?He’shot,sexy,oversixfoot,chiseledchest,sexydimples,lushdarkhairandhehas

handsthatseemtoknowmybodybetterthanIdo.Butsorry,I’mgettingdistracted.IsaidI’dstartat

thebeginning.SoIwill.Maybeyou’llunderstandhowharditwasformetosaynoonceyou

understandthesituationIwasin.Imeandamn,I’mnotsuremanywomenwouldhavebeenableto

resist.Howdoyousaynotothesexiestmanalive?ButlikeIsaid,I’llstartatthebeginning.

MynameisJess.JustJessiswhatmyfriendscallme.I’mnotsurewhy.It’snotlikeitsays

anythingaboutme.Well,nothingexciting.IguessitdoessaythatI’mjustaregulareasy-goinggirl,

becausethatiswhatIam.Idon’thaveawholeheapofthrills.I’mnotdrama-filled.Idon’thookup

withdifferentguyseverynightoftheweek.NotthatI’vehadtheopportunity,tobehonest.Who

knowsifIwouldhaveifdifferenthottieswerethrowingthemselvesatmeeverynightoftheweek.

I’mtwenty-three.Ijustgraduatedfromcollegelastyear.Iworkasasecretaryatalargeaccounting

firm.Yes,thejobisboring.Andno,mybossisnothot.Ilivewithmybestfriend,Alyssa,inadumpy

apartmentinSanFrancisco.Andno,I’mnotexaggerating.Itisdumpy,butIloveit.NotasmuchasI

wouldlovelivinginNewYorkCity,butagirlcan’thaveeverything.IlovemylifeeventhoughI’m

notsuperrichandIdon’thavethejobofmydreams.Ihavemyinsecuritieslikeeveryoneelse,butI

thinkI’mprettylevelheaded.AtleastIwasuntilIgotintothiscrazymess.

Thisstorystartslikemostcrazystoriesstart:atabarwithtwocrazygirls,lookingforafunnight

outandsomeattention.Don’tgetdistractedthough,thisisthebeginning,notthemiddleanddefinitely

nottheend.Bearwithme,you’reabouttogoonacrazy-assridethatyouandIwillneverforget.

Pictureit:SanFrancisco,March,2016.AlyssaandIaresittingaroundinthelivingroomwhen

shehasthebest—andwhenIsaybest,Imeankindoftheworst—ideaever.Andonlyworstbecauseit

endedupwithmefeelinglikethestarofsometitillatingLifetimemovie.

“Let’sgotoacluborabar,areallyniceoneandjustletloose,”Alyssasaidthatnight,hereyes

eagerandwatchingmecarefully.

“Wecan’taffordtogotoareallynicebarorclub,”Iresponded,becauseI’mthepracticaloneand

Iknewthatneitherofushadmuchmoneyinthebank.

“Wecan’taffordtogotoabadbar,either,ifwe’rebeinghonest.”Icontinuedthinkingaboutour

limitedfundsandtriednottocringe.

“Yes,wecan.”Alyssarolledhereyes.“Ihaveacreditcard,youhaveacreditcard.”Alyssahadthe

mentalitythatitdidn’tmatterhowyougotthemoney;ifitwasavailable,itwasabletobespent.Iwas

honestlyquitesurprisedthatshe’dnevertakenajobasanescortorsomething.Though,Isuppose

that’sanunfairstatementtomake.She’snoteasy,justaspendthrift.

“Alyssa,Ihavetwohundredandsixtydollarsinthebank.Youhaveeighty.Wecannotaffordtogo

anywhere.”Ishookmyheadather.

“Ihavetwograndonmycreditcard.Thanks,CapitalOne.”ShegrinnedatmeandIcouldn’tstop

myselffromlaughing,evenasIshookmyhead.

“Dude,wecannotgoout.WeshouldjustwatchNetflixandeatRamen.Youmighthavetwogrand

inavailablecredit,butyou’llstillhavetopayitback.”

“Idon’twannaeatanymoreRamen.”Shegroaned.“And,sorry,Idon’twanttowatchmore

GilmoreGirls.Iwanttogoout.Iwanttomeethotguys.Iwantastrangeguytokissme,feelmeup,

makemefeellikeI’msomehotyoungthing,livinginthecity,livingmylife.AndIhavethirtydays

topayitback.We’lljusttryanddosomeovertimeorsomething.”

“Youareayounghotthing,livinginthecity,livingyourlife.”Igrinnedatherandtriednotto

laughatthepitifullookonherface.“AndIknowplentyofstrangeguysintheTenderlointhatwould

bewillingtokissyou.”

“Yeah,homelessdudeswithbadbreath.Mintybreathisamusthave.”Shegrinnedandthenwinked

atme.“Andtheabilitytotakemeoutforafancydinner,soIdon’thavetoeatRameneverynight.

AndsoIdon’thavetorunupmycreditcardbill.IneedthesortofguyI’dmeetatahotclub.Notona

hotstreetcorner.”

“Hey,whataboutme?”Ipouted.“Idon’twanttoeatRameneverynighteither.”

“I’llbringleftoversforyou,don’tworryaboutit.I’llhookyouup.”Shegiggled.

“Wow,I’msolucky.”Iwinkedather.“Iguess,then,wemustgoouttonight.Let’smaxoutour

creditcardssoyoucanstartbringinghomethoselobsterandsteakmeals.”IshookmyheadasI

spoke,butshecouldtellfrommyvoicethatIhadalreadyrelented.Imean,Iknewitwasabadideato

gooutandusemycreditcardtofundthefun,butifIsaidnotoeverybadideaAlyssaorIhadever

had,thenI’dbesomesortofsaint.Andasaint,I’mnot.Asyou’reabouttofindout.

“Soundslikeaplantome.Whereshallwego?”

“Youtellme,RichieRich’sfuturewife.”Irolledmyeyes.

“Yougotthatright.I’dbeTrump’swifeifitmeantI’dbelivinginthelapofluxury.”Shegrinned.

“LetmehavealookonYelpandseewhat’shot.”

“Yelp?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Anyclubsworthgoingintodebtforarenotgoingtobelisted

onYelp.”Icouldfeelmystomachchurning.“Andreally,you’dwanttobeMr.Comb-over ’sfourth

wife?”

“Notreally.I’drathermarryLeonardoDiCaprio.”ShelickedherlipsandIjustshookmyheadat

her.“Alsopraytell,Jess,howarewegoingtofindagreatexclusiveclubwithoutYelp?’Alyssa

lookedatmepointedly.“DoyouhavesomeinsiderknowledgeIdon’tknowabout?”

“Ohyeah,Ihavesomuchinsiderknowledge,it’snotevenfunny.Alltheclubswantmethere

everynighttodanceonthetablesandbringinallthehandsomemen.”Ipulledmyphoneoutofmy

pocket.“Letmeseewhichclubswantmetheretonight.”

“Youcanbringsomehandsomemenbackhere,ifyouwant.”Alyssalaughed.“Afteryoupimp

yourselfoutatthegentlemanbars.”

“Iwant,youwant,buttheydon’twant.”Ilaughed.“Theyneverwant.EvenwhenIpimpmyself

out.”

“Theywant,butthey’rejusttooscaredtotalktoyou.”Alyssalaughedagain.“Theyknowyou’re

tooexpensiveforthem.Menareweaklingsinside.”

“Hmm,Idon’tknowaboutthat?”Imadeaface.“IthinkIcouldbegivingitawayforfreeandstill

getturneddown.”Alyssajustrolledhereyesatmeinresponse.WebothknewthatifIgaveitaway

forfree,I’dhaveplentyoftakers.

“WanttobuynewoutfitsatMacy’sandgetfreemakeoversinthecosmeticsdepartment?”She

grinnedatmeencouragingly.“Wecankeepthetagsonthedressesandreturnthemtomorrowornext

weekorsomething.”

“That’sawful.Youknowthat,right?We’dessentiallybestealing.”

“Yousaytomato,Isaytomaahto,tomato,tomaahto,”AlyssasangandIrolledmyeyes.

“Fine,butonlybecauseIhadashittyweekatworkandwebothneedsomefun.”Itoldyou,it

doesn’ttakemelongtogodownthewrongroad.Notsureifthatmakesmegoodorbad.Orjust

somewherein-betweenlikemosthumanbeings.Thoughmosthumanbeingswouldn’thavedonewhat

Idid.

“Andwe’rebothpooranddeservetowearcutedresses.Poorgirlsneednicethingstoo.”Alyssa

startedsinginganddancingaroundtheroomandIfoundmyselfsmilingathercontagious

enthusiasm.

“Oh,God,wesuck.”Igroanedandcollapsedontothedumpysecondhanddenimcouchthatwe’d

pickedupatasecond-handstoreforfiftydollars.

“Butatleastwe’renotdoingitforcash.”Shefelldownonthecouchnexttome,giggling.

“Doingwhatforcash?”

“Sucking.”Shewinkedatmeandwebothburstoutlaughing.Andthatwashowitbegan.So

innocently.Well,notexactlyinnocently,butyouknowwhatImean.Itwasn’tevenmyideatogotothe

club,soreallyIcan’tbeblamedforeverythingthathappenedbecauseIwenttotheclubthatnight.I’m

notabadgirl.Well,Ididn’tusedtobe.NowIdon’tknowifIcanreallyclaimthatanymore.The

innocentgirlIwasthatnightisnolongerthegirlIam.Idothingsnowthatwouldmakeyoureyes

popopen,thingsthatwouldmakeyougasp,thingsyouwouldn’tevenbelieve.ThingsIwouldn’ttell

myparentsabout.I’mevenashamedtotalkaboutitwithAlyssasometimes,butIcan’tnottalktoher

aboutit.IfIdidn’thaveher,Iwouldn’thaveanyone.Andtrustme,thesituationI’min,it’snota

situationthatIcanjustnottalkaboutwithanyone.Forone,it’stoojuicyandtoocrazy.Andasmuch

asIhatemyselfforwhatI’mdoing,Ialsocan’tstop.

GOT

intotheritzyclubquiteeasilythatnight.Welookedhot,butthat’swhatfreshmakeoversat

Macy’sandtightshortdresseswilldoforyouwhenyou’reyoungandwillingtowearanything,

whichwewere.IwaswearingashorttightblackLycrapiecethatmademelookasthoughIwason

themake,whichIkindawas,thoughnotreally.Iwasoneofthosegirlsthatlikedtheattention,but

wasn’tlookingtohookup.I’mnotaone-nightstandkindofgirl.Idon’twantaguygropingmeor

rubbinguponme,ortryingtotakemehome.I’mmoreofaromantic.Iwantaguytolookatmeasif

I’mhotstuffand,yeah,hiseyescantellmehewantstosleepwithme,butIwanthimtohavemore

restraint.Ifeellikeaguywithrestraintisaguythatisseeingyouaslong-termpotential.Idon’tknow

ifthat’srightornot,butit’sjustthewaythatIfeel.Imean,itcouldalsomeanthattheguyisgayor

thathe’sjustnotintome.That’showAlyssainterpretsthefactthataguydoesn’twanttosleepwith

herrightaway.Shesaysthatifaguyisintoyou,whetherornothewantsyouformorethanone

night,hewantstosleepwithyou.Ithinkthatdoesn’tmeanhehastoactuponit,butthat’swherewe

differ.

Notthateitheroneofusjudgedtheotherone,andthatwaswhatreallymattered.Alyssahadhad

moreone-nightstandsthanIcouldcountonbothhands,andyetitworkedforherbecauseshenever

gotemotionallyattachedandneverfeltusedthenextmorning.I’dhadsexwithoneguyaftergoing

onaboutfivedateswithhimandwhenhenevercalledmeback,I’dbeendevastated,cryingintomy

pillow,wonderingwhatwaswrongwithme,feelingused,abusedandcheap.SometimesIthinkI’m

tooemotional,tooinvestedinwhatsexmeansinarelationship.SometimesIthinkIshouldbelike

Alyssa,butthenIalwayssecond-guessmyself.ThoughIsupposeeverythingchangedthatnight.That

wasthenightthatImetPierce.Pierce,Pierce,Pierce.Heturnedmyworldupsidedownandput

everythinginitonedge.NothinghasbeenthesamesinceImetPierce.

Electrifying—that’sthewordIwouldusetodescribethefirsttimemyeyesmetPierce’s.Hehada

smolderinglookabouthim.Hehadoneofthosehardfacesthatgrewhandsomewhenhesmiled,and

—oh,boy—whenhesmiled,hewasmagnetic.Almostboyish.Though,Iguessit’shardtolookhard

andboyish.ButifyousawPierce,you’dunderstandwhatImean.Nooneintheclubcouldtaketheir

eyesoffofhim,eveniftheywantedto.Hehadjet-blackhair,straight,silky—thekindofhairyou

wishedyouhad,andwantedtoplaywith.Hiseyeswereskyblue,andwarm,directandinteresting

whenhegazedatyou.HiseyesseemedtobesearchingintoyoursoulwhenhegazedatyouandI

almosthadthefeelingthathecouldreadmymindwhenhelookedatme,thoughIknewthatwas

impossible.Becauseifhe’dreadmymind,thingswouldhavebeenalotlesscomplicatedandI

wouldn’thavegottenmyselfintothismess.

IwaswithAlyssastandingattheedgeofthedancefloorwhenImethimforthefirsttime.Atfirst

IthoughthewaslookingatherandIwasgiddywithexcitementforher.Imean,thegoalhadbeenfor

oneofustomeetaniceguy,and,well,Alyssawantedrichaswellandhelookedasifhehadmoney,

ifhisexpensivesuitwasanythingtogoby.Ihonestlywouldn’thavebeenupsetifhe’dtriedtopickup

Alyssaandnotme.Maybethatwouldhavebeenthebestthingthatcouldhavehappened.Butlifenever

goesasitshould.

“Don’tlooknow,butthere’sahotguycheckingyououtatteno’clock,”IwhisperedtoAlyssaas

subtlyaspossible,whichwasverynon-subtle,asI’mthesortofpersonwhodoesn’tdosubtlewell,at

all.I’malwaystooloudandalwayslookatthepersonI’msupposedtobeignoringorpretendingI

don’tsee.Well,that’sthewayIusedtobe.I’mplentysubtlenow.

“Teno’clockp.m.ora.m.?”Alyssaaskedmeeagerly,herfacelightingup.

“Areyoukidding?”Iaskedher,myjawdroppingasitsometimesdidwhenAlyssamadeoneof

hermoreridiculouscomments.NeitherAlyssanorIwerethesmartestgirlsintown,butshe

sometimessurprisedmewithhowdumbsomeofherquestionswere.

“Kiddingaboutwhat?”Shefrowned.“I’maskingyouaquestion.”

“Tena.m.ortenp.m.?”Ilookedatheragain,waitingfortheballtodropinherhead.

“Thatwasthequestion,”shesaidandrolledhereyesatmeandIjustshookmyheadather.

“Alyssa,praytellwhat’sthedifferencebetweentena.m.andtenp.m.ontheclock?”Iraisedan

eyebrowather.

“Thedifference?”Shepaused,lookedmeintheeyesforafewsecondsandthengiggled.“Oh

yeah,oops.”

“Yeah,haha.Idiot,”Isaidlovinglyandlaughedwithher.“Nowcheckouttheguyatteno’clock

p.m.andtellmeifyouthinkhe’scute.Actually,youdon’tneedtotellmeifyouthinkhe’scute.I

alreadyknowthatyou’llthinkhe’scute,sojusttellmeifyou’regoingtogohomewithhimtonight.”

“Jess,whatsortofgirldoyouthinkIam?”Shegiggledassheturnedtolookattheguy.Iwatched

ashereyeswidenedandshestartedplayingwithherhair.ThatwasatelltalesignthatAlyssawasinto

aguy.Shealwaysplayedwithherhairwhenshewastryingtoflirtwithsomeone.IgrinnedasI

watchedherbattinghereyelidsandwonderedifIshouldgohomesoshewouldn’tfeelconflicted

aboutleavingwiththeguy.“Jess,Idon’tknowwhatsortofvisionyouhave,butMr.McHottieisnot

checkingmeout,”shesaidfinallyasshelookedbackatme.

“What?Isawhimstaringoverhere.”Ifrowned.WasIcompletelyoutofit?

“He’scheckingyouout.”Shelookedoveratmeandwinked.“AsmuchasIwouldlovetosnag

himformyself,he’stotallyintoyou.”

“Youthinkso?”Ilookedoveragainandstaredrightathim.Itoldyou,Ihavenogame.ThistimeI

lookedathimforatleastaminute,andAlyssawasright.Hewastotallycheckingmeout.Normally,I

wouldhavelookedawaybecauseI’mactuallyquiteshy,buttherewassomethingabouthisgazethat

haltedmefromlookingaway.Itoldyouitwaselectrifying,andmagnetizingandcrazyallatthesame

time.Andhedidn’tstoplookingatmeeither.I’veneverhadthatbefore—thatmomentwhenyou

shareamomentwithsomeoneyoudon’treallyknowandfeellost.Ifeltlikeweweretheonlytwo

peopleinthebarinthatmoment.EvenAlyssa,whoIknewwasstandingthere,suddenlyfellaway

frommyperipheralvision.Itfeltlikesomespecialmoviemoment,onlyitwasreallyhappening.And

tome.Andthenhestartedwalkingtowardsme,whilestillmakingeyecontact.AndIthoughtIwas

goingtolosemymind.Myheartstartedracing,myfingersstartedtrembling,mystomachwasin

knotsandthethoughtsinmybrainwereracingatahundredmilesaminute.Eachsecondandstepthat

hetookonlyseemedtoincreasemyanxietyandawarenessofhim.

“Oh,myGod,Jess,”Alyssasaidloudly.“McHottieiswalkingtowardsus.Oh,myGod.”

“Iknow,”Isaid,snappingoutofmyreverie.“WhatshouldIdo?”Itriednottosquealbecause

that’stotallyuncool,butI’mnotsureIwasabletoholditback.

“Justbecool.We’recool.Actcool.Ignorehimandplayhardtoget.”

“Okay.”Inodded.“Hardtoget.That’swhatI’lldo.”Ilookedatherandthensnuckapeekbackat

McHottieandhewasstillwalkingtowardsmeandwasonlyafewyardsaway.IthoughtIwasgoing

tofaint.IlookedbackatAlyssaandtriedtothinkofsomethingtosay.“Saysomething,”Iwhispered

atherurgently.“Idon’twanthimtojustshowupandwe’restandinghere,justsittingandnotsaying

anything.”

“WhatshouldIsay?”sheasked,obviouslytryingtothinkhard.

“Idon’tknow.Anything.Askmeaboutworkoranythingyouwant.”

“Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttotalkaboutworkrightnow?”Shemadeaface.“Ithoughtyousaid

yesterdaythatyourbosswasgettingonyournervesandyouwereworriedthatyoumightgetlaidoff

soon.”

“Ididn’tsaythatImightgetlaidoffsoon.Isaidthattheremightbelayoffssoonbecausemyboss

isajackasswhodoesn’tliketodoherworkandshe’salwaystryingto…”MyvoicetrailedoffasI

felthispresencebehindme.Hehadn’tsaidanythingyet,butIknewhewasthere.Iknewthathewas

rightbehindmebecausemyentirebodyfeltlikeitwasonfire.

“Hello,canIbuyyouladiesadrink?”adeep,smooth,sexyvoicesaidfrombehindme.How

coulditbepossiblethatthisguywasevenmoreperfectthanjusthislooks?Itdidn’tseemright.How

couldhelookandsoundsexy?Ofcourse,atthatpoint,Ihadnothingtocomparehimto.Ididn’tknow

thathewasjustthebeginningofthesexytrain.

“Yes,thanks,”AlyssasaideagerlyinresponsetoMcHottie,andIwantedtogroan.Thatwasnot

playingitcool.Iturnedaroundtolookathimandmyjawdroppedonceagainatthenextwordsout

ofhismouth.

“Youguyswantablowjob?”hesaidwithawickedgrinandmyfaceflushed.Hadhemeanttoask

usifwewantedtogivehimablowjob?Whatapervert!

“We’rewomen.”Igavehimalookandhiseyessparkledashelookeddownatmychest.

“Ifigured.”Hewinkedashelookedbackupatmyfaceandintomyeyes.

“Sowedon’tneedblowjobs,”Icontinued,givinghimalook.Yes,Iwasbeingabitch,yes,Iwas

stilltryingtoflirtandyes,IreallyhadnoideawhatIwasdoing.

“That’sthenameoftheshot.”Hegrinned.“Ifiguredyouguyswouldenjoythem.”

“Why?”Iaskedhimcuriously.Thiswasnotacome-onlineI’deverheardbefore.

“Becauseyoulooklikeyouenjoysweetandcreamythings.”Hewinkedagainandmyjaw

dropped.Hewasnotgoingthere,washe?

“Wedo.”Alyssagiggledwhilepokingmeinthesiderealquick,tryingtotellmetostopbeingso

bitchyandtostartbeingalittlenicertoMcHottie.She’smybestfriend,sheknowsmyflirtingis

slightlyoffandthatIcanbeabitpricklywhenitcomestoguys,evenguysthatIlike.Butman,didI

reallywanttoflirtwithamanwhowasalludingtothefactthatIlikedsweetandcreamythings?

“Soshotsallaround,then?”HelookedatAlyssaforasecondandthenbackatme.“Orwouldyou

prefersomethingelse?”

“No,ablowjobisfine,”Irespondedwithasmallsmile.“Justaslongasyouaren’texpectingone

inreturn.”

“Areyousayingthatyou’renotwillingtogivemeablowjob?”Hestaredintomyeyesintently

andIcouldn’ttellifhewasbeingseriousornot.

“That’sexactlywhatI’msaying.”Inoddedandgavehimasmallsmile.“I’mnotthatkindofgirl.”

“Really?”HiseyesglitteredasifI’djustgivenhimsomesortofchallenge.“Iguesswecansee.”

“Seewhat?”Itiltedmyheadandgavehimahalf-smile.

“IfIcanmakeyouthatkindofgirl.”Hewinkedyetagainandthenlaughed,hiseyescrinklingas

hisfacetransformed.HelookedoveratAlyssaagainandsmiled.“So,sixshots?”

“Ifyouwant.”Sheshrugged,thesmilefixedonherface.Shewasgettingbored.Alyssahadcome

tofindherownman.Shedidn’twanttowastehertimeflirtingandstandingaroundwithamanwho

washereflirtingwithme;especiallyasthatwasn’tthepurposeoftheevening.Ifithadbeen“findJess

amannight”thenshewouldhavebeenmorethanhappytospendherhourswithme,makingsureI

hookedupwiththebestmanpossible.Maybewe’dgofrombartobarandgetfreedrinksandflirtthe

nightaway,dancingandmovingaroundlikebutterflies,skittishandpretty,drawingattentionto

ourselves,butalwaysflyingawayatthelastmoment.However,thiswasn’tgetJessamannight,this

wasafun,possiblenightofdebaucheryforoneofus,andtheonewhowasmostlikelytogetdown

anddirtywastheonewhohadn’tfoundaguytotalktoasyet.

“Soyou’regoingtogiveyourselfablowjob?”Iaskedtheguywithasmallsmile,tryingtoget

myflirtgamebackontrack.

“IwishIcould,thoughIdon’tknowhowgoodIwouldbe.Iprefertoreceivefromsomeonewho

knowswhatthey’redoing.”

“Okay,we’redefinitelynottalkingaboutthedrinksnow,”Isaid,slightlysurprisedthathewas

driftingfromthejokealready.Hewashotandsexy,butthefactthathewastalkingaboutactual

blowjobsrightawaywasabitoff-putting.

“Wereweever?”HewinkedatmeagainandIstartedtowonderifhehadaneyetwitch.ThenIfelt

hishandonmyshoulder.

“Yeah,Iwastalkingaboutthedrinksthewholetime,”Isaid,thoughI’mnotsurethatwas

technicallytrue,butwhocared,right?Hewasoutofmyleague,Iwasactinglikeanidiot,andIalso

didn’tevenknowhowIfeltaboutthewholesituation.Hewassuperhotandsexy,buttherewas

somethingabouthimthathadthepotentialtobeprettydouche-likeandIwasn’treallyinto

douchebags.I’dratherbesinglethandateadouchebag.Orevenflirtwithadouchebag.Ifhis

approachwastotalkaboutblowjobs,thenIknewthatwemightnotbeamatchmadeinheaven,but

youknowhowitiswhenyou’reattractedtosomeoneandreallylikethem,allsenseofrational

thoughtgoesoutthewindow.EventhoughIhadbellsinmyheadtellingmethatperhapsthisguy

wasn’tgoingtobeMr.PrinceCharming,Iwasstillengagingwithhim.That’swhathappenswhen

you’rearoundasuper-hotguy,allyoucanthinkaboutarehisgleamingeyes,hissilkyhairandhis

hardbody.AndI’mnotevenagirlwhodoestheone-nightstandthing.Butman,thatnight,I’mnot

surewhatitwas;Iwasreadyforachange.

“Yougirlswanttocometothebarwithmetograbthedrinks?”heasked,thoughhewaslooking

directlyatme.

“IactuallythinkI’mgoingtogoanddance,”Alyssasaidwithasmallwinkatme.“Iwanttoletmy

freakflagflytonight.”

“Butdon’tyouwantablowjob?”Iaskedher,givingheralookthatwasessentiallyaskinghernot

togoanywhere.

“Nah,Ithinkyouguyscanhandletheblowjobs,”shesaidandwiththatsheflouncedontothe

dancefloorwithoutevenglancingbackatmetoseeifIwaspissed.ShealreadyknewthatIwasgoing

tobepissed,ofthatIwassure.

“Seemslikeyourfriendwasboredofyourcompanytonight.”Mr.Hottieleanedinclosertome

andsmiled,hishandonthesmallofmyback.NormallyIhatesuchanintimatemovefromamanI

don’tknowsoquickly,butasyoualreadyknowthisnightwasnotliketheothers.Notatall.

“Yeah,ormaybeshewasboredofyou,”Isnappedbackathimandgavehimalittlewinktoshow

thatIwasteasing.ItoldyouthatI’mnotalwaysthesmoothestwhenitcomestoflirting.

“Perhaps.”HishandslidfartherandIfelthimgivingmyassaslighttap.Yes,hetappedmyass.I

nearlyjumped.Inearlypulledawayfromhim.Inearlypushedhimaway,butIdidn’t.Ididn’tbecause

ithadbeenanicesensualtouchandmaybeithadjustbeentoolong,butIkindofdidn’tmindit.Ikind

oflikedit.Ikindofthoughtaboutwhatelsehemighttrytodo.WhatelseImightlethimdo.Istarted

tothinkabouthowfarhewouldtrytogoandatwhatpointwouldItellhimtostop.“Unlikely,

though.”

“Whyunlikely?”

“Mostwomendon’tgetboredofmethisquickly.”Heleaneddownsothathislipswerecloseto

mine.“Mostwomendon’tgetboredofmeever.”

“Shouldn’tthatbe,mostwomendon’teverboreofme?”Isaidsweetly,andhelaughed.

“You’vegotasmartmouth.Ilikethat.”

“That’snottheonlythingyoulike,isit?”Iraisedaneyebrowathim.

“What?Yourmouth?”Hegrinneddownatme.“Whywouldyouthinkthat?”

“Whydoyouthink?”Iaskedhimwithaflirtatiousglance.Ireallywassteppingupmygame.

“BecauseItoldyouIwanttofeelyousuckingmycock,”hesaidsimplyandmyeyeswidenedas

mybodystiffenedinshock.Ihadnotjustimaginedthosewordscomingfromhismouth.Icouldn’t

believewhathe’djustsaid.Icouldn’tbelievethatIwashere,stillstanding,staringathim,engagingin

thisconversation.WasIabsolutelycrazy?Iwasnotthesortofgirlwhojustallowedaguytotellme

suchthings.Ithoughtitwasscandalous.Absolutelyscandalous,butyouwouldn’thavethoughtso

basedonmyresponsethatnight.I’mnotevensurewhereitcamefrom.

“You’dbetterbeabletomakemecomewithyourmouthforatleasttenminutesbeforeexpecting

anysortofmouthactionfromme,”Irespondedwithasmallsmile,shockingbothmyselfandhim

withmywords.MyheartwasthuddingasIcrossedintouncharteredterritory.Wherehadthisbad,

naughtysideofmecomefrom?Ididn’tevenknow.IhavetoadmitIwaskindofproudofmyself.I’d

neverbeenadirtygirl,butsomehowthisguywasbringingitoutinme.Alyssawouldhavebeen

absolutelyshockedifshehadheardwhatI’dsaid.

“WhatifItoldyoufifteenminutes?”Hislipspressedagainstminethen.“Fifteenminutesofpure

unadulteratedcoming,rightonmymouth.”Hebitdownonmylowerlipandsuckeditforasecond,

shockingmewithhisboldness.“Howwouldyoulikethat?”hesaidashepulledaway,andIwasn’t

sureifhewastalkingabouthisinvasionofmymouthorhisfifteenminutescomment.Eitherway,I

wasfeelingbuzzed,warmandtinglyinside.I’dneverhadafeelingofanticipationjustfromwords

before,butIsupposeI’vejustnotbeenwiththerightguys.

“I’mstillwaitingonmydrink,”Isaidwithasmallsmile,tryingtoseeifIcouldshiftthemood

backslightly.Ididn’twanttoendupsleepingwiththisguyrighthereonthedancefloor.Imean,Iwas

downforchangingstuffup,butnotthatmuch.Ididn’twanttogofromnuntoslutintwopointfour

seconds.Iwasn’treadytogetitonandhaveawholeclubwitnessingmyentranceintodebauchery.

“Stillwantablowjoborwouldyouprefersomethingelse?”

“It’suptoyou,”Isaidwithashrug,reallyhavingnoideawhatIwassayingordoing,butjust

knowingthatIwasenjoyingbeinginPierce’scompany.Hewasanintoxicatingpresence.I’dnever

beenaroundsomeonelikehimbefore,someonewhocompletelymademelosemyselfinthe

moment.It’saweirdfeelingtobethatattractedtosomeoneatfirstsight.Andit’snotthesamethingas

fallinginloveatfirstsight.Itwasn’tthatsortofheart-stopping,“oh,myGod,Ithinkhe’stheone”

moment.Iknow,becauseI’vefeltthosebefore.Obviously,theydidn’tturnouttobetrue,becauseI’ve

stillnotfoundtheone,butI’vehadthosemomentswheretheearthhasstoodstillandmystomachhas

flippedandmyhearthasthuddedwiththebeatofathousanddrumsandI’vethoughttomyselfthat

thisistheone,thisisthemoment,thisisthetime:I’vemettheoneforme.That’snotwhatIfeltwith

Pierce.WithPierce,Ifeltsomethingalotmoreprimal.WithPierce,Ifeltastirringinmybellyanda

wetnessinmypantiesthatmademefeelthingsI’dnotfeltoutsideofabedroombeforeandespecially

notwithastranger.Andespeciallyhavingnotevenbeentouched.Ididn’tevenknowthatyoucouldbe

soturnedonbysomeonejustfromwords.Imean,Iknewpeoplehadphonesexandallthatjazz,butI

thoughttheturn-onwasfromtheself-play,asopposedtotheactualwords.NotthatI’deverdonethat.

Iusedtobeaprude.Notthatyou’dknowthatrightnow.

“Well,ifit’suptome,IknowwhatIwanttodo.”

“Whatyouwanttodo?”Ifrowned.“Don’tyoumeanwhatdrinkyouwanttobuyme?”

“I’llbuyyouallthedrinksinSanFrancisco,ifyou’lldowhatIwantyouto.”

“I’msureyouwould.”Igavehimaquestioninglook.“Whatisityouwantmetodo?”

“Doyoureallywanttoknow?”Hislipsturnedupatthesideandhiseyesdarkenedasheglanced

atme.

“Iwouldn’thaveaskedifIdidn’twanttoknow,”Isaid,myvoicetremblingslightly.Ihadnoclue

whatIwasdoing.Thiswasunfamiliarterritory,butIthinkthat’swhatmadeitsoexciting.Ialmost

wonderedifI’dbeendruggedorsomething,butPiercehadn’tgottenmeadrinkyet,soitwouldhave

hadtohavebeensomesortofimmaculatedruggingandIwasn’tquitesurethatwaspossible.Okay,

let’sbereal.Iknewitwasn’tpossible.ButIfeltlikesomethinginmehadchangedalmost

instantaneouslyuponlookingatPierceandIwishIknewexactlywhatitwasthatmadeeverything

changeasitdid.Thatwasthenight,themoment,whereeverythinginmylifestartedtogocrazy.Istill

lookbacknowandIcan’texplainexactlywhathappened.Whatwasthecatalyst?Whatmademe

decidetoindulgePierceandhisfantasies?Whatmademewanttoshareinhisfantasies?Ihadnoidea,

andIstilldon’t,butthatwasthemomentthatIbecameawomanIdidn’trecognize.Awomanwhowas

goingtoembracetheworldandhersexualityinallitsglorywithoutfeelingsuperguiltyaboutit.

“Iwantyoutocomehomewithmetonight,”hesaidsoftly.“AndIwanttotakeyouona

rollercoasterrideofpleasurethatyou’veneverexperiencedbefore.”

“HowdoyouknowI’veneverexperienceditbefore?”

“Icantellbythelookonyourfacethatyou’veneverhadamantakeyoutotheheightsIcantake

youto,”hesaidnonchalantly.“Icanalsotellthatyou’renotthesortofgirlwhomeetsguysinbars

andhooksup,soyou’reprobablystrugglingwithhowtorespondtomerightnow.”

“IfyouthinkI’mnotthatkindofgirl,thenwhywouldyouevenapproachmewithsuchathing?”I

askedhimhesitantly,feelingslightlygiddyandunsure.

“BecauseIlikeachallengeandIlikebeingateacher.”

“Ateacher?”

“Yes,ateacher.TherearemanythingsIcanteachyou.”

“I’mnotevengoingtoaskyouwhat.”

“That’swhyIlikeyou.”Hesmirked.“Yourmindprobablycan’teventhinkuphalfofthethingsI

wanttoteachyou.”

“Oh?”

“Oh,yes.”Helaughed.“I’mbeingtooforwardandperverseandI’msorry.Youjustmakeme

excited.”

“Imakeyouexcited?”

“Inmorethanoneway.”Henodded.“AssoonasIsawyouacrosstheroom,IknewIhadtotalkto

youandwehadtomeet.”

“IthoughtyouwerelookingatAlyssa,”Iadmittedwithasmallsmile.

“AtfirstIwas.”Henodded.“Butthen,well,myeyessawyouandthatwasthat.”

“Thatwaswhat?”Iaskedhimcuriously.

“ThatwaswhenIknewthatIcouldn’tcarelessabouther.Iwantedtotalktoyou.Iwantedtokiss

you.Iwantedtotouchyou.”

“Okay.”Ifeltslightlydisappointedbyhiswords.Imean,Iknewitwasasexthing,buthecould

haveatleasttriedtoromanticizeit.

“IknewIwantedtogettoknowyoubetter.Findoutwhatmakesyoutick,inandoutofthe

bedroom.”

“Really?”Iscoffedathim.“YouwanttoknowwhatI’mlikeoutsideofthebedroom?”

“Itmightnotseemlikeit,basedonourcurrentconversation,butIaminterestedingettingto

knowallofyou.Inbecomingfamiliarwitheveryaspectofyourbeing.IhopeI’mnotsoundingtoo

intense,butIfeltwehadsomesortofconnection-attractionassoonasIsawyou.”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”Igavehimashysmile.Thisdidn’tseemlikereallifeinanyway.In

fact,apartofmewonderedifIwasdreamingthisallup.Itallfelttoosurrealandtotallynota

situationthatIwouldeverbein.

“Saythatyoufeelthesameway.Tellmethatyouwanttogettoknowmeaswell.”

“Ifeellikegettingtoknowyoucouldcauseproblemsforme.”

“Whatsortofproblems?”

“Idon’tknowwhatsort.IfIknew,Iwouldmostlikelyhaveleftbynow.”

“Leftandgonewhere?”

“Idon’tknow.”Ishrugged.“TothedancefloorwithAlyssa.”

“Wecangoontothedancefloorbyourselves.IcandotoyouallthethingsIwanttodotoyou.”

“Yeah,butwhatifallthethingsyouwanttodotomearen’tthethingsIwantyoutodotome?”

“Iguesswecanjustwaitandsee,right?”HesmiledatmelasciviouslyandIwonderedwhathe

wasthinking.WhatsortofgirldidhethinkIwas?Imean,hehadtoknowthatIwasn’tthatkindof

girl,right?ButthenIalmostslappedmyself.WhyonearthwouldhethinkIwasn’tthatsortofgirl?

Heknewnothingaboutme.ExceptforthefactthatIwasengaginginthisridiculousconversationwith

himandlettinghimthinkthatwemightactuallydosomethingtonight.

“Idon’tknow.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip,nervesallofasuddenhittingme.Thiswasn’tthe

situationIwantedtobein.Allofasudden,Ifeltveryself-consciousandunsureofwhatIwasdoing

inthissituation.Thiswasn’tme,andnomatterhowgoodlookinghewas,Ididn’twanttobeinthis

situation.“Actually,IthinkI’llpassonthedrink.”Igavehimasmallsmile.“IthinkIneedtogoand

seeifAlyssaisokay.”Ilookedintohiseyesandhisfacelookeddisappointed.“Itwasnicemeeting

you,though.”

“You’renotseriouslyleavingmeherebymyself,areyou?”Hefrownedatme.“Ididn’tmeanto

offendyou.”

“Youdidn’toffendme,”Isaidwithasmallshrug.“IjustcameoutonagirlsnightandIthinkI

shouldn’tabandonmyfriendanymoretoday.”

“Sheleftyou,youdidn’tleaveher,”hesaid.“I’msureshe’sokay.”

“Ijustfeelbad,though.”Ilookedathimwithashyglance,wonderingwhyhewasmakingthisso

difficult.Itwaskindofflatteringthatthishottiewantedtospendmoretimewithme,butslightly

disconcertingthathewasseemingsoupset.Whatdidhereallycare?

“Feelbadforleavingme?”Hegavemeateasingsmile.“AfterIgrewtheballsandthecourageto

comeandtalktoyou?Nowyou’regoingtoleavemeandmakemefeeldejected?”

“I’msureyou’renotgoingtofeeldejected,”Isaidwithasmallsmile.“Thereareplentyofother

womenheretonightwhowouldbehappytotalktoyou.”

“ButIdon’twanttotalktothem.”Healmostwhined.

“Buttheywanttotalktoyou.”Igrinnedathim.“I’msurehalfthewomeninherewanttotalkto

you.”

“Onlyhalf?”Helaughed.“Thoseoddsaren’tgood.EspeciallyafterIcameuptotheonegirlI

wantedtotalktoandIthoughtthingsweregoingwell,butthenshedecidedtoditchme.”

“Ididn’tditchyouyet,”Isaidwithalaugh.“I’mstillheretalkingtoyou.”

“Somycharmisstillworkingalittlebit.”Hegrinned.“Ijustneedtogetyoutostaytalkingtome

allnightandthenmyeveningwillbemade.”

“Haha,Isayyou’vegotplentyofcharm.Idoubtthat’saproblemthatyouhave.”

“Perhapsnot.”Helaughed.“However,ifyouditchme,thenyou’llhavemequestioningmyself

andeverythingIthoughtIknew.”

“Everythingyouthoughtyouknewaboutwhat?”

“EverythingIthoughtIknewaboutyouwhenIfirstglancedatyou.”

“Whatdidyouthinkyouknew?”Iaskedhimcuriously.

“IthoughtIknewthatyouwerespecial.ThatyouwereagirlthatIwantedtogettoknow.That

perhapsweweredestinedtomeettonight.”

“You’rejoking,right?”Istartedlaughingandhelookedatmewithawrysmile.

“Toomuch?”

“Waytoomuch.”Inodded,stillgiggling.“Imeanit’sanicethoughtandall,butit’swaytoomuch.

Romanticandperfectforarom-commoviestarringKateHudsonorsomething,butforthissituation,

notquite.”Ilaughedsomemore.“Notafteryouofferedmeablowjobshotandbasicallysolicitedme

forsex.”

“Ididn’tsolicityouforsex.”Helaughed.“IjustletyouknowthatIwouldn’tbeopposedtosome

funtimeswithyou,ifyousowished.”

“Uhhuh.”Inodded.“Sure,sure.”

“That’snotallI’minterestedin,though,”hesaidseriously,hisexpressionchanging.“Ihopeyou

don’tthinkI’mthatsortofguy.”

“Ihopeyoudon’tthinkI’mthatsortofgirl.”

“Iknowyou’renotthatsortofgirl.”Helaughed.“We’dbeinthebackalleybynow,ifyouwere.”

“Excuseme?”Iaskedhim,notreallyunderstandingwhathewassaying.Well,Ihadanidea,butI

wantedhimtoexplainhimself.

“We’dbesomewhereenjoyingeachother ’sbodiesrightnowalready,ifyouwerethesortofgirl

whowasupforaquickfling.”

“Isee.”Ipursedmylips.

“Butyou’renotthatkindofgirlandI’mokaywiththat.”Hegrinnedatme.“Actually,Ikindof

likethefactthatyou’renotthatkindofgirl.”

“Butyouwouldn’thavemindedifIwasthatkindofgirl,though,right?”

“Noguywouldmindthat.”Helaughed.“Andanyguywhosayshewouldmindisnotthekindof

guyyouwanttobewithbecausethatsortofguywouldbealiar.”

“Isee.Soyou’resayingthatbasicallyeveryguyisaslutormalewhore.”

“I’msayingthatnoguyturnsdownsex.It’sthewayoftheland.Thelawofnature.”Heshrugged.

“Ifit’sonoffer,mostguysaregoingtotakeit.”Helookedmeintheeyes.“Someofus,though,some

ofushavemorediscernment.Someofuspreferqualityoverquantity.Andwedon’tneedthegirlwho

isreadyandwillingrightaway.”

“I’mthequality?”Iraisedaneyebrowathim,wonderingifhewasjustsayingallofthissoI

wouldn’twalkaway.Whichwasastupidthoughtbecauseitwasobviousthatwaswhyhewassaying

everythinghewassaying.Hewouldn’tdoafull-circleinconversationoutoffun.Hediditbecause

I’dthreatenedtoleave.Iwasprobablyachallengetohimnow.Iknewthatguyslovedachase.And

nowthatI’dsaidIwasgoingtogoandfindAlyssaandditchhim,Iwassomethingtobeconquered.

“Oh,yeah,you’rethequality.”Heleanedcloseandbrushedapieceofhairawayfrommyeyes.

“You’retheonlygirlI’velookedatformorethantensecondstonight.You’reashiningstarinthis

roomofbrightlights.You’retheNorthernLights.You’rethesonginmyheartcallingmeover.

You’rethenervesinmystomachthatarehopingthatI’mnotbeingtoocheesy.Iwanttospendthe

nightwithyou,doingwhateveryouwanttodo.Ijustwanttobewithyou.IjustfeellikeIjustneedto

bearoundyou.Idon’tknowifthatmakessense.Idon’tknowifI’mcomingontoostrong.”

“No.”Ishookmyhead,feelinglikeIwantedtoswoon.Iwasn’treallysurewhatwasgoingon,but

Iknewthatwhateveritwas,itwasn’tgoingtoendnow,becauseIwantedtogettoknowPiercebetter

aswell.Theonlyproblemwas,mygettingtoknowPiercewasnotreallyaboutgettingtoknow

Pierce.MymeetingwithPiercewasallaboutmyjourneytoEvan.

C H A P T E R 2

ess

FIRST

TIME

ImetEvanwasonaSundayafternoon.Iknow,Iknow,you’rewonderingwhothehell

EvanisandwhathappenedtoPierce?Trustme,I’mgoingtotellyou.Eventually.Thisisa

complicatedstory.Idon’twantyoutojudgeme.Atleast,notwithoutknowingthefullstory.Youhave

toknowthefullstory.

Now,backtoEvan.Iknow,Iknow,youwanttohearaboutPierceandwhathappenedwhenweleft

theclub,butIcan’tnottalkaboutEvanfirst.Evanisthereasonforallthetrouble.WhoknewwhenI

metPiercethatnightthattherewasgoingtobeanEvaninthepicture?Notme.Notatall,butman,

Evanisthemanofallmen.Hotdamn,EvanEvanEvan.ThefirsttimeIsawhim,Ithoughtmypanties

weregoingtofalloff.Andtheynearlydid.I’dgoneovertomeetPierceathisapartmentforanearly

dinnerandwhenI’dranghisintercom,he’dbuzzedmeinandletmeknowthathewasn’tactually

homeyet.HesaidthatIcouldgoupandthatthefrontdoorwouldbeopen.He’dsaidtojustletmyself

inandwaitforhim.Hehadn’tsaidanythingabouttherebeinganothermanintheapartment.He

hadn’tsaidhe’dhadcompany.Hehadn’tsaidanyofthosethings.Soyoucanimaginemysurprise

whenIwalkedinandIrealizedthatIwasn’talone.Andbynotalone,ImeanIwasaccompaniedbyan

extremelyattractiveman.

HewasstandinginthekitchenatPierce’sapartmentandhewaswearingapairoffadedbluejeans

andawhiteT-shirt.HisbackwastomeandIcheckedouthisassinthewaythatwomencheckoutthe

bodiesofmentheyfindphysicallyattractive.ItmighthavebeenalittlecreepybecauseIdidn’tsay

anythingforagoodminuteorsoasIstoodthereadmiringhimandthenheturnedaroundandgave

meahugegrin.

“Enjoyingtheview?”hesaidwithasmallnodandatwinkleinhisdeepgreeneyes.Myface

flushedasIstaredathim,wonderinghowI’dnevermethimbeforeandhowhe’dknownthatIwas

there.Ifhe’dheardmecomingthroughthefrontdoor,whyhadn’thedonethepolitethingandcome

outtogreetme?IshouldhaveknownfromthatmomentthatEvanwassomethingdifferent.Hedidn’t

evenhavetheinitialpolitenessthatmostpeoplehave.MaybethatwaswhyIwassodrawntohim.

ThoughIthinkIwoulduseanyexcusenow.

Evanstaredatmelikehewaschallengingmetosaysomethingsnarkyinresponsetohisview

comment.Imean,whatsortofmanaskedyouthatwhenhefirstmetyou?Howcockycouldoneman

be?IhavetoadmitthatoneofthefirstthoughtsinmymindasIstaredathimwastowonderifhewas

single,thoughthatwasmoreforAlyssa’ssakethanitwasformine.Imean,I’mnotgreedy.Ididn’t

needtwohotmenfightingoverme.NotthatIhadanyhotmenfightingoverme,butyouknowwhatI

mean.Anditwasn’tasifIwantedEvan.Notatall.NotwhenIwasinthebeginningstagesofdating

Pierce.Iknow,Iknow,youwanttoknowmore.I’llgettoPierce,thoughhe’snotasimportant.Not

anymore.

“Whatview?”Iasked,feigningconfusionasIglancedathim,tryingnottostareathimtoohard.

Hewasabsolutelygorgeous,inoneofthoseoldHollywoodways:debonairanddashing.Strikingly

handsome.Hedidn’thavethatbaby-boyedgethatPiercehadabouthimbuthewasequallyasalluring.

Letmebehonest,hewasevenmorealluring.MaybethatwaswhyPiercehadn’tintroducedusyet.

Maybeheonlywantedmetomeethisunattractivefriends.NotthatI’dreallymetanyofhisfriends.It

wasreallytoosoonforthat.ButifIhadmetmore,IhadafeelingEvanwouldn’thavebeenoneofthe

firstonestobeintroduced.Heseemedlikethesortofguywhocouldn’tbetrusted.Imean,ifAlyssa

hadn’tbeenwithmeonthenightthatI’dmetPierce,I’mnotsurethatIwouldhaveintroducedthem—

andwewerebestfriends.Anditwasn’tbecauseIdidn’ttrusther,ItrustedAlyssaimplicitly.Iknew

withoutadoubtthatshewouldneverdoanythingshadywithanyonethatIwasdating.ButwhatifI’d

onlygoneononeortwodateswiththeguybeforetheymetandwhatiftheyclickedandweremore

attractedtoeachotherthanheandIwere?Wouldthatbefairtotrytostopthem,justbecauseI’dmet

theguyfirst?Also,IknewthatAlyssawashot.Inallfairness,shewasprobablyalothotterthanme.

Shehadalookthateveryguyseemedtogofor.Shewaspetite,blonde,bigboobsandditzy.Tobe

honest,thatwaswhyI’dautomaticallyassumedthatPiercehadbeenstaringatherthenightwe’dmet.

Guysnormallywentforherfirst.NotthatI’dminded,butitwassomethingIalwayshadinthebackof

mymind.

WhichwaswhyIwascuriousifthatwaswhyIhadn’tmetEvanyet.MaybePierceknewthatEvan

wasoneofthoseguyswhocouldmostlikelygetanygirland,well,PierceandIhadonlyjustrecently

met.AndIwasn’tevenreallysurewhatwasgoingonorwhatIwantedtobegoingon.

Istoppedmyselffromcontinuingmythoughts.Iwasn’tsurewhyIwasgettingcaughtupthinking

aboutsomeguyI’djustmet.Iwasactingcrazy.I’donlyknownPierceforoneweek,soitwasn’tasif

I’dexpectedtohavemethiswholefamilyandallhisfriendsbynow.IfIwasbeinghonestwith

myself,Ihadn’treallymetanyoneinhislife,saveforsomeonewhomayormaynothavebeenaco-

workerorex-loveratthecoffeeshopbyaccidentoneday.Iwasstillconfusedbyhisexplanationfor

howhe’dknownher.He’dmumbledsomethingandshe’dlookedathimwithslantedflirtyeyesanda

partofmehadwonderedexactlywhatthestorywas,butIcouldn’task.Thatwouldhavebeenwaytoo

crazy.Icouldn’tbenoseyandslightlyjealouswhenwe’dbarelymet.

“Y

WERE

CHECKING

OUT

,right?”Evangrinnedagain.“Fromthebackandnowfromthefront.”

“I’mnotcheckingyouout.”Ifrownedathim.“WhywouldIbecheckingyouout?”

“Idon’tknow,whywereyoucheckingmeout?”Heraisedhiseyebrowsatme.

“Iwasn’tcheckingyouout.”Iglaredathim.Thisguywascockyandabittoodirectforme.

Couldn’thepretendthathehadn’trealizedthatI’dbeencheckinghimout?Wasn’tthatwhatmost

politemendid?Thoughheobviouslywasn’tpolite.Healsolookedlikehewasafewyearsolderthan

Pierce,soIwonderedifhewasabadinfluence.MaybethatwaswhyPiercehadstartedgetting

annoyingalready.Maybehewaslisteningtothisassholeonhowtobeanarrogantprickandbe

annoyingtogirlsveryquickly.Iimmediatelyfeltguiltyatmythoughts,butPierce’spick-upatthe

clubhadbeenslightlyoffatsomepointsandhis“game”wasalittlebittooconfidentandself-

assured.Itwasannoying.

IfrownedtomyselfatmythoughtsasIstaredatEvan.Ineededtostopbeingsonegative.Pierce

wasn’tthatannoying.Iwasjustabitch,awhinybitch.Imean,itwasn’thisfaultthathe’dtakenmeto

EthiopianrestaurantsonbothofourdateswhenI’dtoldhimexplicitlythatIdidn’tlikeEthiopian

food.Imean,hewasn’texpectedtoremembereverythingaboutme.He’djustmetme.And,well,it

hadn’tbeensobad.Ihadn’tdied.Andhehadapologizedbothtimes.Evenifhisapologyhadseemed

kindaweak.Maybeitwassomesortofdoucheymovethathe’dlearnedfromEvan.Thatwouldmake

sensetome.ThisguylookedlikeadouchebagwithacapitalD.

“Sure,okay.”Evanwinkedandwalkedtowardsme.“Youcanfeelthemifyouwant,”hesaidashe

stoppedinfrontofme.

“Feelwhat?”Isaid,gazingupathim.Hehadstoppedandwasstandingwaytooclosetome.I

knewhewastryingtomakemeuncomfortablesoIdidn’tstepbackfromhim.ThoughIreallywanted

to.Mybodywasstartingtofeelhotjustbeingthisclosetohim.IwasscaredthatIwasgoingto

explodeintoaballoffire.

“Mymuscles.”Heflexedhisarm.“Icanseeyou’vebeencheckingthemout.”

“Iwasn’tcheckingoutyourmuscles.”Ishookmyhead,thoughmyeyesdidfalltohisarmsthen.I

watchedasheflexedthemagainandIwatchedashisbicepswentup.Boy,hewasmuscular.He

definitelyhadadifferentphysiquethanPierce.HewasalotmorebuiltandInormallydidn’tlikeguys

whoweresupermuscular,butthisguywasonthecuspofperfect.Hehadaridiculouslyhardandbuilt

body,buthe’dstillbegoodtocuddleinbed.ThoughIwasn’tsurewhyIwasthinkingaboutcuddling

withhiminbedorspooning.Oh,shit,whywasIthinkingofspooning?Oh,shit,myeyeswerenow

movingdownwards.Oh,whyohwhyweremyeyesmovingtohiscrotcharea?Iwascheckingtosee

ifhehadabulgeand,ifhedid,howbigitwas.Onceagainmymindwenttothespooning.What

woulditfeellikeifhewerebehindme,pressingintome,hisstrongarmswrappedaroundmybody?

Oh,God,I’mhorrible.Ishouldn’tbehavingthesethoughtsaboutPierce’sfriend.Ishouldn’tbe

havingthesethoughtsaboutanyone.I’magoodgirl.MaybeifIrepeatedthattomyselfenoughtimes

thenthatwouldbetrueagain.Itoldyouthatsomethingchangedthatnightatthebar.I’mnotsure

what,butallofasuddenmymindhadgonecrazy.AllofasuddenIwaslikesomesortofpervert,

thinkingabouthotmen,hotbodies,touching,one-nightstands,allthosethingsthatgoodgirlsdon’t

thinkabout.Atleastgoodgirlslikeme,thoughIsupposeI’mnotreallyagoodgirl.Notanymore.

Well,technicallyIstillam.Ihadn’tsleptwithPierce.Yeah,we’ddonestuff,butstuffdidn’tmeanI

wasaslut.Stuffjustmeantstuff.Everyonedidstuff.Though,Isupposeeveryonedidn’tmeetoneguy

oneweekandthenstartfantasizingaboutthatguy’sfriendtheminutetheymetthem.Eveniftheguy

wasashotasEvan.

“Pennyforthem?”Theguylookedatmeandhiseyeslookedall-knowing,likeheknewexactly

whatsortofpervertwasstandinginfrontofhim.

“Pennyforwhat?”Isaid,feelingflustered.WherethehellwasPierce?Andwhowasthisguywho

wasflirtingwithmesodangerously,makingmewanttobothhithimandkisshimatthesametime?

“Youknow.”HewinkedatmeandmyfaceflushedasIresistedtheurgetohithim.

“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isaidinmymosthaughtytone.DidheknowthatI

thoughthislipswereluscious?Aslusciousashisasswas?

“Youhavenoideaaboutwhat?”Hetiltedhisheadandlookedatmyfacewithasexysmile.His

eyesfelltomychestandstayedthereforatleastthirtyseconds.

“Excuseme,”Isaidfinally,myfacehot.Icouldn’tbelievethathewasblatantlystaringatmy

chest.Whatsortofassholewashe?

“Excuseyouwhat?”

“Canyoustopstaringatmychest?That’ssorude.”

“I’mrude?”Helaughed,adeepchucklethatreverberatedthroughthewholeroomasheglanced

atmewithanamazedlook.

“Youdon’tthinkso?”Istaredbackathimwithnarrowedeyes,myheartracing.Shit,buthewas

sexy.

“Idon’tthinkI’mrude.Atleast,notifyoudon’tthinkyouwererude.”

“HowwasIrude?”

“Youwerestaringatmyass.”Heshrugged.“Iwasstaringatyourchest.”

“Soyouadmitit.Ha!”

“Itwouldbehardtodeny,right?Thosebeautiesarerightthere.”Hewinkedatmeagainandshock

ranthroughmybodyathiswords.Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.

“Oh,myGod,didyoujustsaythat?”Myjawdroppedopen.“Idon’tbelieveyou.”Ishookmy

head.“You’reabsolutelydisgusting.”

“Really?”Helookedperplexed.“I’mdisgustingbecauseIadmittedtoenjoyingstaringatyour

chest?Orforcallingthembeauties?WouldyouratherI’dhavesaidthattheywereugly?”

“I’dratheryou’dhavesaidnothing.”Iglaredathim.“I’mherewaitingonPierce.”

“Iknowhim.”Henodded.“Verywell.”Hesmirked.

“How?”Iquestionedhim,wantingtoknowexactlyhowtheywereconnected.Iwasn’tsurewhy.

“Ifhewantedyoutoknow,Ithinkyou’dknow.”HelickedhislipsandIwatchedthetipofhispink

tongueasitglidedbackandforth,myheartracingfast.Iwasn’tsurewhythisguyaffectedmeso

much,butIjustcouldn’tstopmyselffromfeelingattractedtohim.

“Whatever.”Ilookedawayfromhim,feelingfrustrated.“I’mgoingtogoandwaitintheliving

room.”

“Asyouwish.”Heshrugged,hisexpressionshowingthathedidn’tcareifIlefthimornot.

Iturnedaroundquickly,feelingflusteredonceagain,notreallysurewhyIwaslettingthisman

affectmeasmuchashewas.Whatwashisproblem?Whatwasmyproblem?WasIreallylettingmy

briefattractiontohimmakemethink/feelsomethingforhimthatIshouldn’tbe?Whatwasmy

problem?

“I’mEvan,bytheway.”Hesaidhisnamesilkily,sexily,andIfeltsomethinginmystomach

rumblingashestoodbehindme.Waytooclose.

“Jess,”Isaidandgavehimaquicklook.“I’mJess.”

“Nicetomeetyou,Jess,”hesaid.ThistimehismouthwasclosertomyearandIcouldfeela

thrillofexcitementrunthroughmeasIfelthiswarmbreathagainstmyskin.Ishouldhaveknownin

thatmomentthatEvanwasdanger.IshouldhaveknownthatIwasplayingwithfirebyjustspeaking

tohim.Justbeingaroundhimwasn’tgoodformybody.There’ssomethingaboutmenwith

confidence.Somethingaboutmenwhohavecharisma.There’ssomethingaboutoldermen.They

don’tplaygamesandtheyaren’thesitant.Theygoafterwhattheywantandsometimestheydon’tcare

whatorwhoisintheway.CertainlyEvandidn’t.Hedidn’tcareatall.Andultimately,Ididn’tcare

either.Ididn’tcarethatIwasjumpinghead-firstoffofagiantcliff.Ididn’trealizeitthatnight.I

mean,yeah,IknewI’dfoundhimattractive,buttherearealotofattractivemenintheworld.Iknew

hewasobnoxious,buttherearealotofobnoxiousmenintheworld.IknewIwantedhimandthat

there—thatthereshouldhavetoldmewhatIneededtoknow,butsometimeswe’redumb.Sometimes

wedon’tlistentoourownvoices.Ididn’tlistentomyinnervoiceandthat’showIendedupinthe

mosttantalizingscenarioofmylife.AndwhenIsaytantalizing,Imeaninthemostscandaloussense

oftheword.

C H A P T E R 3

ess

IERCE

LIVER

.He’sthekindofguythateverygirlwantstobewith.Charmingdoesn’tevenbeginto

describehim.But,Imean,youknowthat,fromourfirstmeetingatthebar.Hehascharmand

confidenceand,well,lotsofothergoodqualities.Andhe’scut.Hischestislikeaworkofart.Six-

packalert.Hothothot.MaybenotashotasEvan,butmoreclassicallyhandsome.Notthatthat

matters,anyways.Iwasn’tevensurewhyIwascomparingPiercetoEvan.Evanwasnothingtome.

HewasjustanarrogantprickfriendofPierce’sthatIdidn’tevenreallyknow.Backtothesix-pack.

Pierce’ssix-pack,notEvan’s.Honestly,I’veneverdatedaguywithasix-packbefore.Notthatwe’re

dating.We’regoingonourfirst“official”datetomorrownight.I’mexcited,ofcourseIam.I’mjust

hopingthatwewon’thavemoreEthiopianfood.Imean,ifhetakesmeoutforEthiopianagainthen

therewillnotbeanotherdate.Therewillbenomakingout.Therewillbenogroping.Nodry-

humping.Nosecretwhispersandtugs.Nochanceofpossiblenookyforeitherofus.Which,ifI’m

honest,I’msurprisedhehasn’tbeenpressingalittleharderfor.Iwasn’tevenreallysurePierce

wouldcallafterourfirstcoupleofmeetupsafterthenightwemetattheclub.We’dmadeoutabitand

Iknewhewantedmore,butI’mjustnotthatkindofgirl.Iwouldn’tmindbeingthatkindofgirl,but

forsomereasonIjustcan’tdocasualsex.AtleastnotwithPierce.It’sallthoseyearsofSunday

school.Andmymomtellingmethatgoodgirlsdon’thavesexonthefirstdate.Icouldn’tcareless

aboutbeingagoodgirl,butpicturingmymom’ssternfacestillmakesmepanic.IthoughtI’dblown

itwithPierce,honestly.Imean,thewaywe’dbeengoingonattheclub,I’msurehe’dthoughtI’dbea

surething.I’deventhoughtIwasgoingtobeasurethingthatnightandI’mnotthatsortofgirl.Ithad

reallysurprisedmethathewantedtoseemeagain,especiallyasI’dthoughtthatheonlywantedsex

and,well,hehadn’tgottenthatfromme.Butturnsoutnosexdidn’tmeannomoredates.

IthinkI’machallengetohim.Menlovechallenges.Especiallyfromgirlswhoseemlikethey

mightbeasurething,asIhadintheclub.I’manenigmatohim,Ithink.I’dlefttheclubwithhim

quiteeasilythatfirstnight;I’devensurprisedmyselfathoweagerI’dbeenaswe’dfumbledoutthe

doorswhilekissing.I’dhadafewdrinksandwe’ddancedtoacoupleofsongsandI’dletmyselfget

carriedaway.He’dpulledmeintothealleynexttotheclubandI’dlethimpressmebackupagainst

thecoldbrickwallandstartkissingmyneck.Hislipshadbeenwarmashe’dsuckedonmyskinand

hishandshadrunupanddownmybodyinahaphazardway.Tobehonest,I’dbeensurprisedbyhis

lackoffinesse.Hehadn’treallyexcitedmeinthatcarnallyexplicitwayI’dexpected.Hisfingershad

runovermybreastsandI’dalmostbeennonchalant.Imean,yeahitwashot,butnotashotasI’d

thoughtitwouldbe.Nothotlikeinthosemovies.Orpornos.NotthatIwantedtobeinaporno,but

youknowwhatImean.Iwasexpectingheatfactormultipliedbytwenty.Whenyou’reinthekindof

situationwhereyouareleavingaclubwithahotman,youshouldn’tbethinkingaboutwhatsortof

pantiesyouhaveonandifthebouncersmightpossiblycatchyouintheactandcallthepolice.When

you’reinthattypeofsituation,allyoushouldbethinkingaboutishowmuchyouwanttobetakenand

howyoucan’twaittogetyourlegsupandwrappedaroundhiswaistsohecanfuckyouashardas

possible.Ican’tsaythatIwasthinkingthatandthatisprobablywhyhewasn’tabletosealthedeal.

Instead,we’dleftthealleyandwenttogetsomecheappizzaandIendedupgoingbackwithhimto

hisapartment,wherewewatchedsomecrappymovieonNetflixwhileIlethimrunhishandsupand

downmythighsbeforeIfellasleeponhischest,myhandrestingonhissemi-hardnessbeforeIfell

offintooblivion.Soyeah,Iwassurprisedthathe’daskedmeoutagain.Iwasalsosurprisedthathe

seemedtobesotakenwithmesoquickly.Ididn’tthinkthatwashowthesethingsnormallywent.

Guysashotashimgenerallydidn’twastetimewithgirlslikemewhodidn’tevenreallyknowwhat

wewanted.Butthat’salwayshowlifegoes,right?Wealwaysgettheguyswedon’treallycareabout

thatmuch,andtheoneswereallywantcan’tevenbebotheredwithus.Atleastthat’showmylife

alwaysgoes.JustforonceIwantedtobeinasituationwhereIfeltalittlebitofexcitementforand

fromaguyIreally,reallywantedtobewith.

PiercearrivedhomeabouttwentyminutesafterI’dleftEvaninthekitchenbyhimself.Ihaveno

ideawhatEvanhadbeendoinginthekitchenduringthattime,butIknowthathedidn’tcomeoutto

thelivingroomtocheckonme.

“Hey,you,”Piercesaidasheenteredtheapartmentandgavemeahugesmile.“SorryI’mlate.”

“That’sokay.”Isatonhiscouchawkwardly,wonderingifIshouldstandupandifitwas

appropriatetotryandhugandkisshim,asifIhadn’tjustbeenpartiallyoglinghisfriend.“Where

wereyouandhowwereyouabletobuzzmeintothebuilding?”

“ThebuzzerisconnectedtomycellphonesoI’mabletobuzzanyoneinfromanywhere.”He

shrugged.“Youshouldbehappyaboutthat,right?Atleastyoudidn’thavetowaitoutsideforme.”

“I’mnotcomplaining,wasjustcurious.”Ishruggedandstoodupasheheadedtowardsme.Igave

himanawkwardhugandhewentforakissonmylipsbutgotmycheekinsteadasIturnedmyfaceat

thelastmoment.

“Didyoumissme,then?”heasked,notseemingtorealizethatsomethingwasoff.

“Yeah,”Iliedandlookedathimwithanawkwardsmile.WhatthehellwasIdoinginthis

situation?FeelinguncomfortableandweirdwiththisguyIthoughtwasattractive,butalittleoff.

“Wedon’thavetogoouttoeatifyoudon’twant.”Hishandfelltothesmallofmyback.“Wecan

justeathere.”

“Oh?”Isaid,wonderingifhewasgoingtocookforme.Thatcouldberomantic.“Whatwould

youmake?”

“Iwouldn’tmakeanything.”Helookedconfused.“Mybodyisalreadyhereandsoisyours.”

“Huh?”Ifrowned,lookingconfused.“Whatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”

“Wecaneathereorinmybedroom.”Hewinked.

“Oh.”Ijuststaredathim.Thiswasalmostworsethanifhe’dtakenmeforEthiopianfood.Didhe

reallythinkthiswason?Invitingmetodinner,gettingmeexcitedforfreefood,makingmewait

twenty-plusminutes,subjectingmetohishotfriendandthenbasicallycheapeningoutandsayinghe

wantedsex?Andnotevenaftersomefood.Whatthehellwasgoingonhere?

“Idon’tthinkJessisdownforthatplan.”AdeepvoiceenteredtheroomandIfroze.Evanwas

back.Notthathe’dgoneanywhere,buthewasbackinthesameroomasme.

“Oh,you’vemetJess?”PierceturnedaroundandlookedatEvan.

“Yeah,wejustmet.Whileyouwereout.”Evannoddedandwalkedtowardsus,hiseyesglittering

ashestaredatme.“Shewassurprisedtoseeme.”

“Yeah,Iforgottotellheryouwerehere.”Piercenodded.“Well,Ididn’trealizeyou’dstillbe

here.Ithoughtyouhadabusinessdinner?”

“Itgotcancelled.”Evanshrugged.“FiguredI’dstickaroundthecityforthenight,butmaybeI’ve

overstayedmywelcome.”

“Ofcoursenot.”Pierceshookhishead.“Wannajoinusfordinner?”

“Inyourbedroom?”EvanraisedaneyebrowandlookedatPierceandwinkedbeforehestarted

laughing.

“Haha,yeahright.”PiercelaughedaswellandtheybothlookedatmewithanimatedfacesasI

stoodthereuncomfortably,wonderingifthiswassomesortoftest.MaybePiercehaddeliberatelyput

meinthispositiontotestme.MaybeEvanhadbeenwaitinginthekitchenonpurpose.Been

deliberatelyprovocative.Maybetheywerehopingforsomesortofkinkythreesome.Icouldfeelmy

skinwarmingasIstaredatthetwohandsomemeninfrontofme.

“Youhavethewronggirl,fellas,”Isaid,myvoiceindignant.

“Sorry,what?”Piercelookedatmeinconfusion,butIcouldseethatEvan’seyeswerealightwith

mischief.HeknewexactlywhatIwastalkingabout.

“I’mnotthatsortofgirl,”IsaidlouderthistimeasItookastepbackfromPierce.“I’mnot

interestedinthatsortofthing.”

“Whatsortofthing?”Pierceaskedme,scratchinghishead.

“Aménageàtrois.”Iglaredathim.“Youmusthavethoughtyou’dgottenagoodoneattheclub

theothernight,butIamnotthatsortofgirl.I’mshockedyouhaven’trealizedthatyet.Actually,I’m

notshocked.”Ishookmyhead.

“Whyareyounotshocked?”Piercelookedevenmoreconfusedashestudiedmyface.

“BecauseyoutookmeoutforEthiopianfoodtwotimesinarow.”

“So?”Hepursedhislipsandlookedevenmoreconfused.“DidyouwantEthiopianagaintonight?

Isthatwhatthisisallabout?Wecangoout.Don’tgetyourknickersinatwist,Iwasjustteasingyou.”

“No,Idon’twantanyhorribleEthiopianfood.”Iglaredathim.“ThisiswhatImean.I’vetoldyou

twotimesnow,Idon’tlikeit.Idon’twantit.Ever.”

“Oh,okay.”Heshrugged.“Wedon’thavetogetit.Ionlysuggesteditbecauseyoubroughtitup.”

“IbroughtitupbecauseIwastryingtomakeapoint.”Isighedloudly,feelingfrustratedand

annoyed.EvanwasstaringatmewithahugegrinonhisfaceandIcouldtellthathewastryingnotto

laugh,whichwasevenmoreannoyingtome.

“Whatpoint?”heaskeddumblyandIstartedtowonderwhatI’dseeninhim.

“ThepointaboutwhyIwouldn’tbeshockedifyouthoughtIwasthesortofgirlwhowouldwant

athreesomewithyouandthinkI’dbedown,eventhoughitwasclearfromallofmysignsthatIwas

notinterestedinthatsortofthingatall.Imean,wehaven’tevenhadsexyet,soIdon’tknowwhy

you’dthinkI’dbedownforanythingmorethanthat.I’mnotdownforrandom-asssex.And

especiallynotaménageàtrois.Iwouldneverbedownforthat.”Iwasn’tsurewhyI’dmentionedwe

hadn’thadsexyet.MaybeasubconsciouspartofmewantedEvantoknowthat.Itoldyou,I’m

certifiablycrazy.

“DidIaskyouforaménageàtrois?”Piercelookedatmeandblinked.Thenhelookedoverat

Evan.“AmImissingsomethinghere?”

“Ithinkit’sJessthat’smissingsomething,”Evansaidwithastraightface.Iglaredathimashe

tappedtwofingersnexttothetopofhishead.Iglaredathimevenharderandhestartedgrinningat

me,enjoyingthefactthathewasmakingmeangry.

“You’resorude,”Isaid,myjawdroppingashespunhisfingerinacirclenexttohishead,

blatantlytryingtoprovokemebycallingmecrazy.

“Sorry,what?”Evansaid,hisfaceamaskofinnocence.

“You’renotsorry.”

“IneversaidIwassorry.Isaid,‘sorry,what?’”Hepausedandthenstartedspeakingslowly.“Iwas

saying‘sorry,what?’toindicatethatIhadnoideawhyyouwerecallingmerudeandwouldyoubeso

kindastoexplaintomewhatthatreasonwas?”

“YoureallyhavenoideaastowhyIthinkyou’rerude?”Ishookmyheadathim.“Yeah,right?”I

lookedoveratPiercetoseewhathewasgoingtosay,buthedidn’tsayordoanything.

“Nope.”Evanclearedhisthroat.“Butifyouclarify,thenImighthaveanidea.”

“It’sfine.”Ipursedmylips,feelinglikeIwasevenmoreconfusedmyselfnow.Iwasn’tevensure

whatwewerearguingaboutanymore.Hewastalkingincirclesandthesparkleinhiseyeswas

makingmeforgetmyownname.IknewthatheknewexactlywhathewasdoingandIwasprettysure

thatIwasmakingmyselflooklikeanidiotinthesituation,butIcouldn’thelpit.“It’sfine.Maybewe

justhadamisunderstanding.”

“Yeah,Ifeellikeseveralwiresgotcrossedhere,”Piercesaidwithasmallsmile.“Maybewe’reall

justhungry.”

“Yeah,maybethat’sit,”Isaidwithasmallfrown,wantingtorollmyeyes,butknowingthatwould

bechildish.IwishedthatAlyssaweretheresoshecouldseehowridiculousthesituationwas.How

couldPiercenotseehowrudeEvanwas?Maybeheknew,buthedidn’tcareormaybehewasjust

oblivioustoitnow.Maybehe’ddealtwithEvan’sinappropriatecommentssomanytimesbeforethat

hefeltitwasnormal.Idon’tknowwhatthatsaidabouthim,butIknewthatIshouldgivehimthe

benefitofthedoubt.Itwasn’thisfaultthathehadadoucheyfriend.AndEvandefinitelylookedolder

thanPierce,soheshouldknowbetter.Muchbetter.IlookedoveratEvanandhestillhadaslight

smirkonhisfaceandIknewhewasaninstigator.Heknewexactlywhathewasdoing.Iwondernow

ifhe’dknownfromthebeginning.Ifhe’dhadaplanfromthestartand,ifnot,whentheplancame

intoplace.Iftherewasaplan,ofcourse.Whoknows?SometimesIwonderifitwasallme.

SometimesIwonderifIwastheinstigator,thefire-starter.Maybeapartofmehadbeenfedupofmy

staidandboringlife.Maybeapartofmewantedsomethingexcitingtohappen.Though,I’mnotsure

thatIwouldhavewantedittochangethatmuch.Iwasn’tcrazy.OratleastI’dneverthoughtthatIwas

crazybefore.

“Shallweallgoandgrababite,then?”Evanaskedwithasmallsmile.“Mytreat,asIseemtobe

partofthereasonforallthisconfusionanddrama.”

“Iwon’tsaynotoafreemeal.”PiercegrinnedandIjuststaredathim.WhathadhappenedtoMr.

confidentandgenerousfromtheclub?Wherewasthemanwhojustwantedtospendtimealonewith

me?Couldn’theseethatEvanwastrouble?Couldn’theseethesparksflying?Couldn’theseethat

thiswasabadidea?Obviouslynot.

“Good.Iknowagreatplace.”Evannoddedwithasatisfiedsmileandhegavemeasmallwink.

“Thefoodisgood,buttheviewsareevenbetter.Iknowyou’llappreciatethat,Jess.”

“Yeah,you’resothoughtful.”Ijuststaredathimwithnarrowedeyes.Iwasn’tgoingtorisetothe

baitanymore.Iwasnotgoingtolethimrilemeup.Atleastthat’swhatItoldmyself.Aww,thelieswe

tellourselvesinthehopesthattheywillturnouttobetrue.

C H A P T E R 4

ess

FIRST

TOUCH

shouldhavealertedmetothefactthatEvanwasn’tjustalltalk.Imean,thereare

accidentaltouchesandthenthereareaccidentaltouches.Aquickkneegrabisnotanaccidentaltouch

byanystretchoftheimagination.Akneegraze,maybe,butakneesqueeze,noway.Especiallynot

onethatlastsforoverfiveseconds.Fivesecondsdoesn’tsoundlikealotoftime,buttrycountingit

out.One.Two.Three.Four.Five.That’salotoftimeforahand—astrangehand—tobeonyourknee,

squeezingit.

Whoevensqueezesaknee?Itseemssoweird.It’snotlikekneesareknowntobehugely

erogenouszones.AtleastIdidn’tthinkthattheywereknowntobe,butaswealreadyknowI’mnot

exactlythesexexpert.

AndperhapsEvanis.Hemostdefinitelyseemstobeifthethrillthatranthroughmybodywhenhe

touchedmykneewasanythingtogoby.WhenItellyouIthoughtmykneewasgoingtocatchonfire,

I’mnotexaggerating.Atfirst,IthoughtitwasPierce’shandonmykneeandIwasgoingtopluckit

away.Iwasalreadyannoyedwithhim.Imean,howcouldhethinkthatitwasokaytoturnourdate

intoathree-waydinner?Itwasn’treallyagreatsignwhenthepersonyouwereinterestedinwantedto

bringsomeoneelseonthedate.Theonlyconsolationwasthatitwasn’tanothergirl.Thatwouldhave

beenfriggingridiculous.Butyeah,backtotheknee-grab.IknewafteraboutasecondthatitwasEvan

andnotPiercegrabbingmyknee,justfromthewaythatEvan’shandsqueezedsowarmlyand

intimately.Itwaslikemybodyknew,heythisissomeoneelse.Someonesuper-hot.Someonethat

wouldbegreatinbed,anditreactedimmediatelytothatthought.Iknowthatsoundscrazy.Itsounds

crazyinmyownheadaswell,butthat’stheonlywaytoexplainthewayIfelt.Assoonashetouched

me,IfeltasifIweregoingtointernallycombust.Anditwaslikeheknewit,ifthesmileonhisface

wasanyindication.IdecidednottochastisehimforthekneesqueezebecausereallywhatcouldIsay?

HewouldprobablyclaimthatithadbeenanaccidentandI’dlooklikeanidiotifItriedtoobjectto

that.EspeciallyafterhowcoolI’dbeenearlierintheapartmentandsoIsaidnothing.Whichmost

likelyisthereasonwhyhebelievedthathecouldbeevenmoredaringwhenwewereordering

dessert.

Themealhadgonefairlywellupuntilthatpoint.Ihadn’tsaidmuch.AndEvanandPiercehadn’t

caredtotrytoincludemeintheconversationmuch.Thatnormallywouldhavebotheredme,sinceI

wantedtobeincluded,butIwasalreadyfeelingconfusedsoIdidn’treallymindthatmuch.Isatthere

listeningtothemandIwonderedtomyselfexactlyhowtheykneweachother.IwantedtoaskbutI

didn’t.I’daskPiercelater.Ididn’twantEvantothinkthatIcaredaboutanythingtodowithhim.

Thesecondtouchwasmuchmoreofathrillandmademejump.InfactIalmostknockedovermy

glassofwineasIjumpedoutofmyseat.ThistimeEvanwasn’tjustgoingforakneesqueeze.This

timeEvanwasgoingforathighsqueezeand,yeah,thatshockedme.WhenIfelthisfingersonmy

thigh,Ifroze.Thenhisfingerssqueezedand,foronecrazysecond,Ithoughtthathewasgoingtotry

todosomethingevenmoreoutrageous.Ithoughthewasgoingtomovehisfingershigher.Thatwas

whyIjumped.Icouldn’tbelievewhathewasdoingandofcoursePiercewasoblivious.Ididn’tknow

howsomeonewhohadseemedsowithitinthebeginningcouldbesodumb,orifthiswaspartofhis

planortheirplan.Ihadn’tcompletelydisownedthefactthatperhapstheywereinonsomecraziness

together.Partofmethoughtthatwastheonlythingthatmadesense.WhyelsewouldEvanbesocrazy

anddaring?Didn’thethinkIorPiercewouldgetupsetathisactions?Itseemedtomethathewas

takingabigriskforacoupleofcheapthrills.

ThesadpartwasthatIdidn’thateit.Imean,ofcourseIwasaghast.I’mnotacompleteheathen.I

mean,yes,eventhoughIwasshockedandtakenaback,Ikindoflikedit,thethrill.Thedangerous

excitementthathesparkedinmewithhistouchwasintoxicating.Itbothscaredandexcitedme.Iwas

prettysureifPiercehadattemptedthesamethingIwouldhavedismissedhimrightaway.Iwould

haveslappedhishandawayandtoldhimwheretogetoff.AsmuchasIlikedhim,Ididn’tlethimget

awaywiththatsortofcrap.HehadtriedhardthatfirstnightbutIhadn’tfeltthisknee-jerkreactionto

him.Imeanthat’skindofunfairtosay.Ihadthoughthewassuperattractive,Imean,howcould

anyonenotthinkthat?Hehadananimalmagnetismthatmostmendidn’tpossess,butunfortunately

forPierce,Evanwasevenmoremagnetic.Hehadasparkthatwasevenmoreelectrifying.Itwas

somethingIcouldn’texplainandIthinkheknewit.That’swhyhewaspushinghishand,inmore

waysthanone.Heenjoyedplayingwithmeandgettingariseoutofme,thoughIwasn’tsurewhy.

Whatdidhehavetogainfromflirtingwithmeandtryingtopushhiswill?Allitdidwasshowthathe

wasn’tagoodfriendtoPierce.Hewasn’tagoodfriendatall,unlesstheywerebothtryingtotestme

insomeway.WhichIwasprettysurewasn’ttrue.Pierceseemedprettyoblivioustoeverythingthat

wasgoingonandIdidn’tthinkhewasthatgoodofanactor.Notatall.Itseemedtomethatifheknew

whathewasdoinghewouldhavebeengivingmeknowinglooksandprobablysmallsmirksand

winks.Hewasn’tthesubtlesort.Notatall.Hewasblatantinwhathewantedandwhilethatwaseasier

tounderstand,itwassomethingalittlenicetonotknowandtobeontheedgeofattraction.

Iwouldneveradmitthatoutloud.Imean,whatwomanreallywantedtoadmitthatconfusioncan

beanaphrodisiac?Whatwomanwantstoadmitthatwecanbelikeboysaswell?Thechase,thenot

exactlyknowingwherewestandcanmaketheeventualconquestalotsweeter.NotthatIwasahunter

andnotthatIwantedtobepreyeither.Hellno,Ididn’treallywanttobeeither.Itwasaweirdthingto

bedating.Itwasaweirdthingtodecidewhoyouwantedtomakeloveto.Iknewwhyguyswere

alwayssoconfusedbygirls.Itwasbecausewewereconfusedourselves.Justafewweeksago,I

wouldhavebeenhappytohavemetahotguylikePierce;yeah,maybeweweren’tamatchmadein

heaven,buthewasagoodegoboostfornow.

Now,itseemsPiercewasn’tgoodenough.NotthatIwantedEvan.Icertainlydidn’twantEvan.

Notatall.Justbecausehewashotandsexyandjustwouldn’tseemtodisappearfrommymind,even

thoughI’djustmethim.Ireallydidn’tunderstandwhyhewasoveratPierce’sapartmentandseemed

socomfortabletalkingtomehoweverhewanted.Ihadn’taskedPiercebecauseIdidn’twanthimto

thinkthatIwasinterestedinEvan.Ididn’twanttoletanythingslip.Hecouldn’tknowIwasattracted

tohisfriend.Hecouldn’tknowthathisfriendhadplayedwithmykneeandranhisfingersupmyleg

underthetableandthatI’denjoyedit.TherewasnowayIcouldtellhimthat.Andtherewascertainly

nowayIwantedhimtosuspecttherewaspossiblyanyinterestonmyside,whichhemightthinkifI

broughtupEvan.I’dbescaredhe’dsenseitinmyvoiceandquestionmeastowhyIwantedtoknow

anything.Imean,Ididn’tthinkitwouldbecrazyformetohavesomequestions,butIwasscaredthat

Iwouldn’tbeabletostopmyself.Thequestionsmightstartwith,“HowdoyouknowEvan?”and

“HowoldisEvan?Heseemsolderthanyou.”ThenImightstartgoingcrazy.WhatifIaskedifhe

wassingle?Ugh,thatwouldbeterrible.Piercewouldsurelyknowthenbytheeagerlookonmyface

asIwaitedonhisanswerthatImighthaveamorevestedinterestinhisanswers,andIsurelydidn’t

wanthimtothinkthat.Notatall,sothat’swhyIdidn’taskanything.Itwastoomuchofarisk,too

muchofaslipperyslopeandIsureashelldidn’tneedtoruinwhateverwasgoingonwithPierceand

Ijustforsomestupidnon-flirtationwithEvan.Arrogantprick.Heprobablydidthiswithevery

womanhemetbecauseheknewhecould.Mostprobablygotoffonsomepowertrip,seeinghowfar

hecouldgetwomentogo.Iknewtherewereguyslikethat,guyswhodidn’treallywantrelationships.

Didn’tevencareaboutthewomentheywereflirtingwith.Itwasallaboutwhattheycouldgetthe

womentodo.Howfartheycouldgethertogo,andifshewereinarelationshipwithsomeoneelse,it

wasevenmoreofathrill.

Iwishnow,ofcourse,thatI’dasked.IwishnowthatI’dsuckeditup.ThatIhadn’tbeensoscared

andstupid.IfIhadasked,maybeIwouldhaveavoidedalotofembarrassment.MaybethenIwouldn’t

havegonedownthesameroad.MaybethenIwouldhavedonethingsdifferently.Actually,whoamI

kidding?Iwouldn’thavedoneanythingdifferently.Ihadn’treallyhadthatmuchofasayinthe

matter.

C H A P T E R 5

ess

’

MOST

PROBABLY

WONDERING

whyIcontinuedtodatePiercewhenitwasfairlyobviousthatwhile

we’dhadagreatinitialmeeting,oursubsequentdateshadn’tbeenallthat.Ontopofthat,it’squite

obviousIwasattractedtoEvan.ThefactisIwaslonely.Piercewasattractiveandhelikedmeandhe

wasgoodfunwhenhewantedtobe.Hedidn’tpushmeforsex,whichIreallyliked.Iwasn’tsurehow

longhe’dbecoolwiththeno-sexthing,butAlyssathoughtthathe’dalreadyshownremarkable

constraintgiventhecircumstancesunderwhichwe’dmet.AndIhadtoagreewithher.

“Jess,thatguymusthaveblueballsthatgoontotheendofdays,”Alyssahadjokedoneevening

whenwe’dstayedhometowatchrerunsofGilmoregirlsonNetflix.

“Blueballsfordays?”I’dburstoutlaughingathercomment.

“Notjustfordays,”Alyssasaidwithasmirk.“Blueballsuntiltheendofdays.”

“Endofdays,huh?”Ishookmyheadather.“That’salongtimetohavethem.”

“Yeah,itis.That’swhatyou’vedonetohim.”

“Ihaven’tdoneanythingtohim,”IsaidandallIcouldthinkaboutwasEvan.Iknow.I’mahot

mess.

“He’sagoodguy,Jess,”Alyssasaidslightlyenviously.

“He’snotbad.He’snotexactlyinlinetobeapopeoranything.Idon’tthinkSt.Peter ’saboutto

givehimanykeys.”

“Who?”Alyssaaskedblankly.

“Noone,”Isaidwithasmallsmileandshakeofmyhead.

“Sodoyouthinkyou’llsleepwithhimsoon?Puthimoutofhismisery?”

“Idon’tknow,”Isaidhonestly.Ireallydidn’tknowwhatIwasgoingtodowithPierce.Imean,a

partofmethoughtIshouldjustgetitoutoftheway.Itwasn’tlikeIdidn’tlikesex.Itwasn’tlikeI

didn’tcravethatintimacy.Ijustdidn’tknowifIcraveditwithPierce.Eventhoughhewasprettyhot

andclearlywantedme,whichwasahugeegoboost,wasanegoboostenoughforalasting

relationship?Ididn’tknow.Iwassoconfusedabouteverything.So,soconfused.

“I’dlovetomeetaguylikePierce,”Alyssacontinuedwistfully.“You’resolucky.Hemustreally

loveyou.”

“What?”Ialmostchokedatherwords.“Love?Webarelyknoweachother.Alyssa,hedoesn’t

loveme.Hebarelyknowsme.Whywouldyoueventhinkorsaythat?Areyoucrazy?”

“Girl,hehastoloveyou,”shesaidseriously.“Idon’tknowmanyguyswhowouldputupwithno

sex.AndI’mtalkinguglyguysandwebothknowthatPiercedoesn’tqualifyasugly.He’shotashell.

Hecanhavemodelsinhisbedeverynightoftheweekifhewants,yethe’sbeingcalmandpatient

withyou,waitingaroundforwhoknowswhat.”

“It’sbecauseI’machallenge.”Ifrowned.“Butthanks,Alyssa,you’resuremakingmefeelbetter

aboutmyself.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Shesatupandlookedatme.

“Imean,I’mgladhecouldhaveahotmodelinhisbedeverynight,buthe’ssettlingforme.”

“Ididn’tsayhe’ssettlingforyou.”Shesighed.“Andyou’rehottoo,youknowthat.”

“Uhhuh.Let’snotcomparemetosomeVictoria’sSecretmodelthough,whichweknowhecan

get.”

“Oh,Jess.”Alyssagotupfromhercouchandwalkedovertome.“That’snotwhatImeantand

youknowthat.That’snotwhatImeantatall.Iwasjustsayingthatyouhaveagoodguywhoreally

likesyouandthatshouldmakeyouhappy.Thatshouldmakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.Idon’t

knowwhyyouaren’thappier.”

“What’stheretobehappyabout?”

Ilookedatherwithasmallfrown.“IfanythingI’mnotlivinguptomyendofthebargain.I’mnot

givinghimwhathedeserves—whatother,morebeautiful,womenwouldgivehim.”

“Jess,whatisgoingonwithyou?Whereareyougettingthatfrom?”Alyssatouchedmyshoulder.

“Areyouokay?”Ifeellikeyou’renotactinglikeyou’resuperhappyforsomeonewho’sinthis

situation.”

“Whatsituation,Alyssa?WhatsituationamIinthatshouldmakemesohappy?”Iturnedtoher

andfrowned.“Imetahotguyinaclub.Welefttheclub,madeout.Hewashopingforsex,didn’tget

it.We’vebeenonacoupleofdates—well,morethanacouple,andI’msurehe’sstillhopingforsex

andmaybethat’swhyhe’skeepingmearound.Therehavebeennodeclarationsofloveoranything

closetothat.Noflowers,nojewelry.Nonothingofsubstance.Idon’tevenknowifhereallylikesme

orifhe’sjustwaitingtogetlaid.Andhonestly,I’mnotsurehowIfeelabouthim,orifIwantto

possiblyhookupwithhishotfriend,Evan,becauseIsuck.”

“Wait,what?’Alyssagaspedloudly.“WhothefuckisEvan?Andwhyhaven’tIheardofhim

before?”

“Evanisthebigproblem.”Isighedandleanedbackonthecouch,groaning.“Oh,myGod,

Alyssa,Ihaven’tbeenabletotalkaboutitbecauseI’msoembarrassedandashamedbutthisguy

Evan…Argh.”IgroanedloudlyandclosedmyeyesforafewsecondsasIpicturedhisface.“Oh,my

God,Ihaven’tbeenabletogethimoutofmymind.He’sthereasonwhyIhaven’tbeenabletosleep

withPierceyet.Youdon’tknowhowthisguyhasgottenundermyskinalready.It’scrazy.Idon’teven

knowhim.Barelymethimonceortwice.Barelyhadaconversationwithhimandtheconversations

wehavehadhaveshownmethathe’sanarrogantasshole.Arealbastard.Idon’tevenknowwhat’s

wrongwithme.He’sabsolutelyhorrible.Cocky,fullofhimself.Arealjerk.Andheeventouchedme.

Albeititwasonmykneeandkindaonmythigh,butstill—howrude,right?Buteventhoughhe’s

everythingwehateinaguythere’ssomethingabouthimthat’sgottenundermyskinandIjustdon’t

knowwhy.IjustdonotunderstandwhyIcan’tstopthinkingabouthim.I’mahorrible,horrible

person,Alyssa.IknowIam.Ifeelabsolutelyhorrible,butIjustcan’thelpmyself.And,man,he’sso,

sococky—Isaidthat,right?What’sworseisthatheseemstobereallyclosetoPierce,soheseemsto

alwaysbearound.It’slikethisweirdkindoftorture.”Ifinallystoppedtalkingandlookedoverat

AlyssatoseeherexpressiontowhatI’djustconfessedtoher.Iwassurprisedtoseeahugesmileon

herface.“What’ssofunny?Iaskedherwithnarrowedeyes.

“You.”Shegiggled.“IneverthoughtI’dseethisday.”

“Whatday?”Ifrowned.

“Thedaythatyoubecameaplayer.”

“I’mnotaplayer.”Ipoutedmylips.“I’mfarfromaplayer.”

“Youaresoaplayer.”Alyssaalmostcackledingleeasshebouncedupanddownonthecouch.

“Whowouldhavethunkit?”

“Alyssa,I’mnotaplayer.Youhavetobedatingmultipleguystobeaplayer.I’mnotdoingthat.

I’mbarelydatingoneguy.”

“Yeah,butyouarekindaintohisfriendandfromwhatyou’resaying,italsoseemslikehe’sinto

youaswell.”Shesmiledatmeinglee.“Imean,ifhe’stouchingyou,itsoundslikehehasaninterest

inyouaswell.”

“Alyssa,ugh.Don’t.He’stheplayer.He’snotintome.He’sjusttryingtoplayme.”Imadeaface.

“Imagineifyoustartdatingbothofthematthesametime.”Hereyeswidenedandsheclappedher

handsexcitedlylikealittlechild.“Oh,myGod,Ican’tbelieveyou,Jess.Thisissoexciting!”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”IglancedatherbutIcouldn’tstopasmallsmilefromcrossingmy

face.“Thisishardlyexciting.”

“Yes,itis.I’minshock.”Alyssajumpedup.“Thiscallsforsomemusicandasmalldanceparty.”

“Danceparty?”Igaveheralook.“Really?Adanceparty?Whydoesthiscallforadanceparty?”

“Becausedancingisfunandyou’refinallybecomingawoman!”

“Huh?”Igaveheraconfusedlook.“Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”

“You’refinallyhittingyourstrideinyoursexuality.”Shegrinned.

“Iam?”

“Surelookslikeittome.”Shenoddedandreachedoutherhandstome.“PauseLoreleiandRory

andlet’sgetsomePitbullupinhere.”

“Alyssa,youmakemelaugh.”Ishookmyheadather.“HereIamfeelinglikeshitaboutmyself,

yetyou’reactinglikeIjusttoldyouIwonthelottery—andnotadollarscratch-offeither.You’re

actinglikeItoldyouthatIjustwonamillionbucksorsomething.Thisisnotsomethingdeservingof

adancepartyanddefinitelynotPitbull.Nextthingyou’llbesayingisthatweneedsomeNickiMinaj

aswellandyouknowthatthatisjustnoton.”

“Oh,Jess,comeon,let’shavesomefun.Stopbeingsorepressed.Ownit.Shit,fuckPierceand

Evan.Whocares?Ifyouwanttodoit,doit.Justmakesureyouuseprotection.Wedon’tneedany

babiesupinhereandwesureashelldon’twanttobeonMaury.”

“Maury?”Iaskedherinconfusion.

“Howelsewouldweknowwhothebabydaddyis?”Alyssaaskedwithawink.

“Alyssa,”Ishoutedatherandlaughed.“You’reabsolutelyhorrible.Iamnotaslut.”

“Well,maybeyoushouldbe.”Shewinkedagain.

“Dude,youwerejustsayingPiercehasblueballs.Idon’tgofromgivingoneguyblueballsto

notgivingtwoguysblueballs.”

“Doesthatsentenceevenmakesense,Jess?”AlyssawalkedovertoherBoseSpeaker.“Ithink

not.”Shepluggedherphoneintothespeakerandpressedplay.TaylorSwifteruptedintotheroom

tellingusto“shakeitoff”andwebothstartedlaughing.Ijumpedupoffofthecouchandwalkedover

toAlyssaandwestarteddancinginthemiddleoftheroomasifneitherofushadacareintheworld.

MyworriesaboutPierceandEvanweregoneandhersadnessofhavingnoonewasgonewaswell,

losttothemusicasweletourselvesletgoofallourconcerns.

“DidItellyouthatPierceadoptedadog?”IsaidasIdancedaroundtheroomwithAlyssa.“His

nameisSquirrel.”

“Squirrel?”Alyssagavemeanastonishedlookandwebothjuststartedgigglinguncontrollably.

MaybeIneededtonottakethissituationsoseriously.MaybeAlyssawasright.Ijustneededtogowith

it.Besides,whateverwasgoingtohappenwasgoingtohappenregardlessofhowmuchIanalyzedor

thoughtaboutit.

C H A P T E R 6

ess

AVE

youevergoneintoasituationknowingthatitwasn’tgoingtobewhatyouexpected?Like,you

knewthingswouldbedifferent,yetyoustillwentintoit,notreallycaringorevenhopingforthe

outcometobedifferent?

IknewthenightthatIdecidedtogoovertoPierce’splacetolookafterhisdogwhilehewasout

oftownwasgoingtobeoneofthosesituations.I’mnotsurehoworwhy.Itwasn’tasifIknewthat

Evanwouldbethere.Imean,I’dhopedthathewouldbe.I’dhopedthatwe’dgettobanterbackand

forthagainandI’dgettomakesarcasticjabsathimwhileadmiringhimfromafar.Imean,hewasa

jerkandIcouldn’tstandhim.Hewasjustfartoococky.Especiallyforamanhisage.Whodidhe

thinkhewas?Ididn’tthinkitwasappropriateforhimtoflirtwithmeinthewayhehadknowingthatI

waskindofdatingPierce.Itseemed—forgetseemed,itwascompletelyinappropriate.Yet,therewas

somethinginhisactionsthatmadethesituationevenmoreexcitingandsexy.Dangerous,even.How

farcouldwepushit?Howmuchcouldhesay?HowrudecouldIbebacktohim?Atwhatpointwould

wereachthelinethatshouldn’tbecrossed?Maybenever,maybewe’djustcontinuelikethis?But

then,howcouldthiscontinue?WhatwouldPiercethink?Wouldhefinditstrange?Ofcourse,he’d

finditstrange.ButIdidn’tcare.Iwasn’tthinkingaboutanyofthat.Iwasn’tthinkingabouttheifs,

ands,orbuts.Iwasonlythinkingabouttheexcitement.Iwasonlythinkingaboutthebanter.Andso

that’swhyIeagerlywenttopet-sitthatnight.That’swhyIagreedtodosomethingIknewcould

potentiallyleadtosomethingprettycrazy.It’sasifIwantedtogodownCrazyStreet.

IarrivedatPierce’saroundsix.Hisdog“Squirrel”—astupiddognameifeverIheardone—ran

uptome,histailwaggingasIenteredtheapartment.IgroanedwhenIrealizedthathe’dalreadyhad

anaccidentonthefloor.I’dthoughtPiercehadsaidthedogwashouse-trainedwhenhe’dadopted

him.IconsideredleavingthepeeonthefloorandpretendingthathehaddoneitafterI’dleftbutthenI

realizedthathemostlikelywoulddoitagain.Andseveralpuddlesofpeeinthelivingroomwouldn’t

beexplainedaslastminuteanditwouldprobablystinkintheapartment.Itwasalreadystartingto

smellalittlebadandhe’donlydoneonepeesofar.

“Hey,Squirrel.”Ireacheddowntoscratchhimbetweentheearsandheeagerlylickedmyhand,

leavingalargeamountofslobberonmyskinthatIimmediatelywipedawayonmyjeans.Gross!

Yeah,soifyoudidn’tknowbynow,I’mnotexactlyadogperson.Notreally.Whichiswhyitmakesit

evenshadierthatI’dagreedtodog-sit.IneverwouldhavedoneitifIhadn’tthoughtthattherewould

beapossibilitythatEvanwouldbethere.Yeah,Itoldyou,Ilikeplayingwithfire.

“Squirrel,doyouwanttogoonawalk?”Iaskedthedog,stupidlywaitingforananswer,asifI

thoughthe’drespond.HedidwaghistailandIknewthathewaseagerforawalk.Igroanedinwardly,

sinceIdidn’treallywanttowalkhim.Ihadnocluehowtoproperlywalkadogandespeciallynoton

thestreetsofSanFranciscowherethereweresomanyhills.Iwasn’tinbadshape,butthethoughtof

walkingapoopingandpeeingSquirrelupanddownhillswasn’tanexcitingprospectforme.

“Okay,okay,where’syourleash?”Ilookedaroundtheroomandsighed,knowingthatI’dhaveto

tidyupthemessthathealreadymadeintheapartmentaswell.ItamazedmethatPiercehadadopteda

dog.Hewasjustsoputtogetherandsuave.Hejustwasn’tthesortofguywhoyou’dthinkwouldown

anoverweightbassethoundthatseemedtohavetoiletissues.Andhecertainlydidn’tseemtobethe

sortofguytonamesaiddogSquirrel.Like,whatthehell?Hadhebeenhighwhenhenamedhisdog?

Ormaybe—andIwassurprisedthatatwingeofjealousyhadn’thitmeatthethought—anex-

girlfriendhadnamedapreviousdogthathe’downedSquirrelandshe’dkeptthedogwhenthey

brokeup.Maybetheexhadevenlivedwithhim.Ilookedaroundthelivingroom,considering.Was

thisthesortofroomaguywouldhavechosenthefurniturefor?Everythingseemedtomatchsowell.

ItalmostlookedlikeaphotofromaPotteryBarnorRestorationHardwarecatalog.Hmm,maybe

Piercehadevenbeenengagedbefore?Maybehewasstillinlovewithher.Iwaitedtofeelthe

inevitablechurninginmystomachatthethoughtofhimtrulylovingsomeoneelse,butitneverhit

me.Iwassurprised.WasmylackofjealousyrelatedtothefactthatIdidn’tcareenough,orwasit

relatedtothefactthatIfeltthatconfidentinour“relationship”?We’donlymetacoupleofweeksago

andmadeoutacoupleoftimes.Wehadn’tevenhadsexyet.AfactthatIthinksurprisedbothofusfor

differentreasons.Partofmethoughtthatthereasonhestillkeptmearoundwasrelatedtothefactthat

I’dbecomeachallengetohim.Maybehewasonlyspendingtimewithmebecausehewantedtoget

meintobed.Maybethatwashisendgameandoncehehadmeitwouldallbedone.Imean,Iknew

howguyswere.Iknewthatsexwasabigthingandtheylikedachase.MaybehethoughtIwasplaying

games.MaybehethoughtthatIwasoneofthosegirlswhowasusingsexasagatewayintoamore

seriousrelationship.Iwasn’tsurewhathewasthinkingandIwasn’tsurewhyIhadn’tsleptwithhim

yet.Itwasn’tbecauseIdidn’tfancyhim;Ithoughthewashotashell.AndIwasphysicallyattractedto

him.Mybodydidwanthim,yetsomethingalwaysstoppedmefromgoingalltheway.Maybeitwas

becauseIwasn’tsureI’dbeabletokeepupwithhiminbed.MaybeitwasbecauseIwasscaredhe’d

getmetodoallsortsofkinkythingsthatIwasn’tdownfor.I’mnotonehundredpercentsurebutallI

knewwasthatIwasinthisquasi-relationshipwiththishotguy,dog-sittingforhiscrazydogand

hopingtoseehissemi-rude,veryhotfriend.

“Squirrel,whereisyourleash?”IspoketothedogagainasIlookedaroundtheroom.HowwasI

goingtowalkthedogifIcouldn’tfindhisleash?Squirrelstartedwhininginresponseandranupto

thefrontdoor,liftinghispawsuptoscratchagainstthewood.

“Nothelpful,Squirrel.”Igroaned.“Nothelpfulatall.”Iwalkedtothekitchenandlookedfora

leashoranythingthatIcouldpossiblytiearoundhisneckandwalkhimwith.Iwantedtocryas

Squirrelkeptwhiningandshakinghisass.IthoughtIheardasoundthatsoundedsuspiciouslycloseto

afart,butonlyreallytooknoticewhenahorriblewaftgotpastmynose.Squirrelhadfartedand,by

thesmellofit,hewasdangerouslyclosetopooping.AndIsureashelldidn’twanttocleanuphis

stinkypooandpeefromthefloor.

“Squirrel,please,pleasedonotpoopinthehouse.“ImoanedoutloudandhurriedtoPierce’s

bedroomtoseeifsomehowhe’dlefttheleashinthere.Iwalkedintoseethathisbedwasunmadeand

hehadclothesalloverthefloor.IhadtoadmitIwassurprised.Ihadn’tthoughtthatPiercewouldbe

sountidy.Imean,youjustdon’texpectasexy,suavemantoendupbeingaslob.Ibentdowntopick

upsomeofhisclothesandthrowthemonthebedandthenthoughtInoticedsomethingthatlooked

likealeashinthecornerofhisroom,besidehischestofdrawers.IcouldhearSquirrelstillwhining

andIhopedthathehadn’tpoopedyet.Ibentdownandgrabbedtheleatherstrapthatwasonthe

groundandpulledonit.ItwascaughtbehindthedresserandsoIpulledharder.IpausedasIthoughtI

heardanoise,butIknewthatIhadtobeimaginingit.PiercewasinMiamisoIknewhewasn’there.It

wasprobablyjustSquirreldartingaroundtheroom,probablyplayinginhispeeandmakingabigger

messformetocleanup.

Ipulledtheleatherstrapagain,tuggingashardasIcould,willingittocomeout.Itdidn’teven

occurtomethatthiswouldbeaweirdplaceforSquirrel’sleashtogetcaught.Ikeptpullingandfell

backslightlyasitcameloose.

“Ooh,”IthoughttomyselfandthenIexclaimedoutloud.“Whatthehell?”asIrealizedthatwhatI

washoldingwasnotaleashatallbutsomesortofleatherstrapthatwasintendedforsomesortof

sexualplay,ifthefeathersandspikesontheotherendwereanyindication.

“Sowhat’sgoingonhere,then?”ThedeepvoicebehindmemademejumpandIturnedaround

bothinsurpriseandexcitement.

“Whatdoyouthinkisgoingon?”Iaskedsnarkily,asIglancedatEvan,whowasstandingthere

withasmuglookonhisfaceasheglanceddownatmeasifIweresomepeasantgirlonhisfarmand

heweredeigningtotalktome.

“Itlookslikeyou’replayingwithasextoy,allbyyourself,”hesaidwithaself-satisfiedsmile.

“Andit’snotgoingwell.Thereareschoolsthatcanteachyouthings,youknow.AndYouTube

videos.”

“Teachmethings?”Ilookedupathimwithafrown.“Whatthings?”IgroanedasIrealizedhow

stupidmyquestionwas.WhatsortofthingsdidIthinkhewasgoingtotalkabout?

“Thingsthatwouldensurethatyouwereawomanwhoknowswhatsheisdoing.”Heraisedan

eyebrowatme.“Andfromthelookofthings,you’renotcurrentlythatwoman.”

“Whatever.”Irolledmyeyesathimandstoodup.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“WhatamIdoinghere?”HegavemealookthatindicatedthathethoughtIwasstupid,andI

wantedtojumpupandsmackthesmirkoffhisface.

“That’swhatIaskedyou,”Isaid,tryingtogivehimmymostindignantlook.“Doyouhave

troubleunderstandingEnglish?”

“Doyouhavetroublebeingpolite?”

“That’srichcomingfromyou.”

“Excuseme?”hesaidwithasmirkonhisface.

“You’reoneofthemostimpolitemenI’veevermet.”Iglaredathim.

“Andyou’veknownmanymen,then?”Heraisedaneyebrowatme.“Surprising.”

“Excuseme?Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Ifrownedathim.

“Imean,youdon’tseemtobethatexperienced,soI’msurprisedthatyou’vebeenaroundtown.”

“Beenaroundtown?”

“Beenaroundtheblock.”Hepausedandgavemeanotheroneofhis“areyoudumb?”looks.

“Whatthehellareyoutryingtosay?”

“I’mnotsayinganything.I’mjusttryingtoclarifywhatyoujusttoldme.”

“Ididn’tjusttellyouanything.”Iglaredathim.“You’redeliberatelytryingtobeconfusing.”

“Idon’tdeliberatelytrytobeanything.Ifyoufindmeconfusingthat’sbecauseyoucan’tkeepup.”

“Idon’tknowthatIwanttokeepupwithyou,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelinglikeIhadmadeahuge

mistakecomingheretonight.Staringathimmademefeelweirdinside.Itstruckmeunawares,but

somethingabouthimmademebelievethathehadthepowertohurtme.Thiswasallfunandgames,

untilsomeonecrossedthelineandthingsgotawkward.Anditwasstartingtofeellikeitcouldget

awkwardreallyquickly.

“Yousureaboutthat?”heaskedmesoftly,histonechangingandbecomingmoreserious.He

watchedmeasIwatchedhim,carefully,oureyestakingineverydetailofeachother'sappearance.

Hislipswerecracked.Minewerepinkish-redfrombothmylip-glossandthestrawberrylollipopI'd

beensuckingbeforeI’darrived.Heprobablywantedtoknowwhymylipswerebrightpinkandredat

thesametimejustasbadlyasIwantedtoknowwhyhiswerecracked.Morethanlikely,bothofus

werewonderinghowfarwecouldpushitandifthisflirtationwasasinnocentasitseemed,ifwe

werebothjustplayinggameswitheachother,orifperhapstherewassomeoneelseineitherofour

lives.NotPierce,obviously.Pierce,webothknewabout.Hewasnotimportantinthisequation.But

anotherparty,anotherpartyoneitherofoursides,wasmoredangerous.Couldbeacausefor

jealousy.Craziness,right?Howcouldyoubejealousofsomeoneyouhadnothingwith?

Idon’tknowhowtoexplainmyattractiontoEvan.It’sjustoneofthosethings.EverytimeIsaw

himmystomachflippedandmyheartbeaterratically.Hishairwascropped,lowtothebaseofhis

head,sexyinaMarine-styleway.Helookedlikehe’dhadahaircutfromthelasttimeI’dseenhim.I

wonderedwhathewoulddoifIstrokedhishair,ranmyfingersalonghishead.Histresseslooked

liketheywouldfeelsilkyagainstmyfingers,evenifslightlyspikey.Iplayedwithmyhairhastily,

tryingtosmoothitout.Minewasmessy,unkempt,myravenlocksdisheveled.Notexactlythefemme

fatalelook.Iwonderedwhathe'ddoifIchangedtherules.Wonderwhathe’dsayifIleanedinand

toldhim,“Comeon,then,bigboy,showmewhatyougot.Stopwiththetalk.Let’sjustdothis.”I

knewthatwouldlikelyshockhim,takehimaback.Hewouldneverexpectit.Neverinamillionyears.

Guyslikehimdidn’tthinkgirlslikemewouldactuallystartplayingthegameback.Apartofme

wantedtochangetherulesonhim.Makehimfeeluncomfortable,butIknewIdidn’thaveitinme.I

wastooscared.Tooscaredthathe’dacceptandthenI’dbetheonewhocouldn’tbackout.

“I’mnotsurewhatyou’redoinghere,butI’mheretowalkSquirrel.Nothingmoreandnothing

less.Andtobehonest,Idon’tevenknowwhyIhadtocome?Imean,ifyou’rehere,whydoIhaveto

walkSquirrel?”

“Youvolunteered,didn’tyou?”Evanlookedatmewithasmirk.“Thatwasyourmistake.”

“Ididn’tvolunteertowalkhim.”Imadeaface.“I’mnotreallyintocleaninguppoopandpee.”

“Idon’tthinkyouhavetocleanupthepee.”Evanlaughed.“Unlessyouwanttomopitup.”

“Well,it’snotlikeI’mgoingtoleaveitonthegroundtostainthefloors.”

“Yougoingtomopitupfromthegrassaswell?”

“Mopitupfromthegrass?”Ilookedathimwithconfusioninmyeyes.

“Yeah.Thegrass.Hewouldn’tbepissingonthegroundifyouweretogethimoutsideintime.”

“WhywouldIbemoppinguppissfromthegrass?”Iglaredathim.

“Idon’tknow.”Heshrugged.“That’swhyIwasaskingyou.”

“You’reinsufferable.”Inarrowedmyeyesathim.“You’reoneofthemostannoyingmenIthink

I’veevermetinmylife.”

“Youhaven’tmetmanymeninyourlife,then?”Helaughed.

“Grrr.”Ijustshookmyheadandturnedaway.“Squirrel,”Ishouted.“Whereareyou?Squirrel,

comeon,let’sgo.”IwalkedtowardsthedoorandSquirrelcamebarrelingintomeinexcitement,

tonguewaggingandfartingalltheway.IturnedmynoseupatthesmellandprayedtoGodthathe

hadn’tletapoopoutinthelivingroom.

“Icantellyoureallylovedogs,”EvansaidasheglancedatmestaringatSquirrel’sbuttin

disgust.

“I’mjusttryingtoseeifSquirrelwenttothetoilet.”Ididn’tseeanydiscoloringfromSquirrel’s

butt,soIwashopefulthatIdidn’thavetotendtoanybuttemergencies.

“Ifyou’rethatworriedthatSquirrelneedstogothatbadly,maybeyoushouldtakehimoutnow,

insteadofsittinghereflirtingwithme.”

“Flirtingwithyou?”MyjawdroppedandIglancedathim.“Areyoufriggingkiddingmeright

now?”Istaredatthetwinkleinhiseyesandthenlookedawayquickly.Ijustcouldn’twiththisguy.He

wastoomuch.Heknewexactlyhowtogetmegoing,inmorewaysthanone.HewastroubleifeverI

sawtrouble.“DoyouknowwhereSquirrel’sleashis?”Ipinchedmylipstogether,knowingthatIhad

toaskhimifIeverwantedtogetSquirreloutofthehouse.

“Inhisdoggybox,withallhisotherstuff,Ipresume,”Evansaidmatter-of-factlyandIwantedto

punchhim.

“Andwhereisthat?”Iaskedthroughpursedlips.

“Inthekitchen,bythepantry,whereithasalwaysbeen.”

“Okay.”Iwalkedoutofthebedroomandhurriedtothekitchen,stoppingmyselffromsaying

anythingelse.Evanwassuchadouchebagandsocondescending.Ijustdidn’tknowhowPierceor

anyoneelseputupwithhim.Nowonderhewassingle.Well,Ididn’tknowthathewassingleforsure,

butIcouldonlyassume.Orsecretlyhope.Iwasn’tsurewhichstatementwasmoreaccurate.DidI

assumeorhope?Iwasn’tsureandIdidn’treallywanttofindout.

“IfIwantedyou,Icouldhaveyourightnow.”Hiswordswereteasingandtormentingashe

followedmeoutoftheroomandIturnedaroundandstaredathiminshock.

“Excuseme?”Isaid,afterallowingmyshocktosubsidealittle.“Whodoyouthinkyou’retalking

to?”

“Doyouseeanyoneelseintheroom?”Helookedaroundandgavemean“Areyouallrightin

thehead?”look.

“No,butIknowyoucan’tbetalkingtomelikethat.”Ishookmyheadathimandtookastepback.

“You’resoinappropriate.”

“Iam?”Helaughedandtookastepclosertome.“Ifyouthinkthisisinappropriatethenyouain’t

seennothingyet.”

“Idon’twanttoseeanything.”Iturnedbackaroundandstartedopeningcupboarddoors,

forgettingwhichonewasthepantry.Iwasstartingtopanic.EvanwasalotmorebrazenthanI’d

thoughthewasgoingtobe.Imean,therewasflirtingandbeingobnoxiousandthentherewasbeing

absolutelycrazy.Hewasabsolutelycrazy.Imean,thiswasridiculous.Howcouldhebetellingmehe

couldhavemerightnow?EspeciallyknowingIwasdatinghisfriend.Hewasabsolutelycrazyand

thesickpartofmewasthatIlovedit.Ilovedthathewassoinappropriate.Iwasalotsickerinthe

headthanIthoughtIwas,obviously.“Hereweare.”IcouldhearthereliefinmyvoiceasIfounda

boxofdogtoys,whichalsocontaineddogfoodandSquirrel’selusiveleash.“Squirrel,come,”I

shoutedandSquirrelcamerunningintothekitchen,probablyhopingforsomesortofjuicytreat,but

Iwasn’tabouttoriskanythinggettinghisstomachgoingbeforeweexitedtheapartment.“Sit,boy,

sit,”Isaidashestoppedinfrontofme,butthestupiddogdidn’tseemtoknowwhatthatmeant.

Insteadhejumpedupandtriedtogetintohisdogboxandsnatchabagoftreatshimself.“Squirrel,

sit,”Isaidloudlyandpushedhisbuttdown.Heignoredmeandthengrabbedabagfromtheboxand

wentoffrunning.“No,Squirrel,no.”Igroaned,andignoredEvanashestartedlaughing.Hewasso

notagentleman.AgentlemanwouldhavehelpedmegetSquirrelonhisleash.“Squirrel…”Igrabbed

theleashandwentchasingafterthedog.IwasstartingtofeelreallyfrustratedandknewthatIwould

neverbedumbenoughtotakeonaresponsibilitylikethisagain.NotunlessIwasbeingcompensated

orgettingsomethingreallygoodfromit.IfeltlikeIwasbeingpunishedbecauseIhadagreedtohelp

Piercewithslightlybadintentionsinmymind.IhadkindofhopedthatIwouldseeEvanhere,evenif

allofmedidn’twanttotrulybelievethat.Imean,whoadmitstothemselvesthattheywanttoput

themselfinareallystupidposition?It’snotliketherewasanygoodreasonformetoseeEvan,none

atall.TherewereonlybadreasonswhyIwouldwanttobeengagingwithhim.Reasonsthathad

nothingtodowithhelpingSquirrelorPierce.Iwassobad.

“Squirrel,stop.”IgroanedasIwatchedthemuttpullingaparthistreatbagandstuffingtreats

downhisface.“No,badboy.”Isighedashejustlookedupatmeandcontinuedeating.

“Squirrel,come,boy.”Evanhadfollowedmeintotheroomandcalledouttothedog.Squirrel

listenedtohimimmediately,droppedthebagandranovertohim.“Sit,”Evansaidcalmlyandmyjaw

droppedasSquirrelsatforhimlikeagoodboy.“Handmetheleash,”Evansaidandputhishandout

tome.IhandedittohimsilentlyandwatchedashereacheddownandclippedtheleashonSquirrel’s

collar.“Here.”Hehandedtheleashbacktome.“Youshouldtakehimoutnowbeforehehasan

accident.”

“Yeah.”InoddedandbecauseIdidn’tknowwhatelsetosayIjustgavehimasmallgratefulsmile

andpulledonSquirrel’sleashandheadedtowardsthefrontdoorquickly.“Comeon,Squirrel,”Isaid

softly,gratefulthatthedogwasactuallycomingalongthistime.Thedogfollowedmethroughthe

frontdooranddownthestairsanditwasn’tamomenttoosoonasheletoutaloadassoonaswe

madeittothepavement.IjuststaredashedidhisbusinessrightoutsidethefrontdoorandIwondered

tomyselfwhatwouldhavehappenedifEvanhadn’thelpedmeattheverylastmoment.Thathadbeen

niceofhim.Andithadbeenimpressive.Hisvoicehadbeensocommanding,sostrong,soassertive.

Squirrelhadlistenedandobeyedrightaway.ItwasalittleinfuriatingthatSquirrelhadlistenedtohim

andnottome,butIwasjustgladthatSquirrelhadlistenedtosomeonebeforeithadbeentoolate.I

wasn’tsurewhatIwouldhavedoneifEvanhadn’tbeentheretotakechargerightattheend.Ialso

wasn’tsurewhatIwouldhavedoneifEvanhadpushedmebackagainstthewallandpushedhimself

intomeandtoldmethathewasreadytotakemethenandthere.Apartofmewasn’tsurethatI’dhave

beenabletosayno.Apartofmekindawishedhewouldhavetried.

C H A P T E R 7

ess

“J

ESS

,Iwantyoutoknowhowspecialyouaretome.”Piercegazedatmewithanintensityinhiseyes

thatIhadn’tseenbefore.“ItmeanssomuchtomethatyoutookcareofSquirrelformewhileIwas

outoftown.”

“Noworries,”Isaidandgavehimasmallsmile.Iwasn’tabouttotellhimthatitwasunlikelyto

happenagain.Squirrelhadgivenmeaworkoutthatmylegsdidn’tappreciate,andmyfingernails

didn’tappreciatehavingtopickupsomuchdirt,debrisandpoop.

“Itreallymeansalottome.Manygirlswouldn’thavedonethatfortheirboyfriends.”

“Uh,yeah.”Myeyeswidenedathiswords.Didhejustcallhimselfmyboyfriend?Whatwas

goingon?Insteadoffeelingjubilationandexcitementathiswords,Iwasstartingtofeelpanicked.

“You’rereallyspecialtome,Jess.”

“Yeah,youjustsaidthat.”Ilookeddownatmysaladawkwardly.Oh,God,hewasn’tgoingto

propose,washe?Oh,myGod,thatwouldjustbemyluck.I’dalwayshopedinmyheadsomething

crazy,wackyandromanticlikethiswouldhappentome,butthiswasn’twhatI’dhopedfor.Imean,

shit,anyproposalwouldbenice,andhewashot,butthisdidn’tfeelasgoodasIthoughtitwouldfeel.

“IjustwantedyoutoknowI’mreallyhappyImetyou.”Helookedalittlenervous.“AndIjust

wanted...”Hefrownedandpausedashelookedme.“Areyouokay?Youlookalittlesick.”

“I’mfine.”Igulped.Oh,God,whatwasIgoingtotellAlyssa?Gettingengagedafteramonthof

datingandnosexwasreallyfast.Iwasn’tsureifshewouldbepleasedformeorsadforherself.

“IjustwantedtosayIknowthatwhenwemet,IwaskindapushingforasexualrelationshipandI

madeitclearthatIwantedtoknowyouonanintimatelevel,”hecontinued.“Andnormallythatismy

numberoneconcern,butthisisdifferent.You’redifferent.”Hepaused.

Hereitcomes,Ithoughttomyself.Yeah,Icanbeabitdelusional.I’mnotreallysurewhyI

thoughthewasgoingtopropose.MaybebecauseIreallyhavenocluewhenitcomestomenand

relationships.MaybebecauseI’mwhatmyfriendscall“extra.”Ialwaysseemtothinkthatthemost

extraordinarythingisgoingtohappeninallsituations.Isupposethatitwasquiteappropriatethat

eventuallythatendedupbeingtrue.Butthiswasnotoneofthosesituations.Piercewasnotaboutto

propose,asI’msureyoumostlikelyalreadyguessed.OnlyIcouldhavethoughtthatPiercewas

goingtoproposeinthatmomentbecauseI’dcleanedupsomeofhisdog’spoopforaweek.

“I’msurprisedthatyou’restilldatingme.”Ihalf-laughed.

“Why?”heaskedcuriously.

“BecauseIhaven’tsleptwithyouasyet.”Ishruggedandhesmiledwidely.

“That’sbecauseyou’respecial.”Hereachedoverandtouchedmyhand.

“BecauseIlookedafterSquirrel?”

“Notjustbecauseofthat.”Heshookhishead.“Ican’texplainit.Youjustmakemethinkabout

differentthings.”

“Oh?”Pleasedon’tsayhavingafamily.I’mnotreadyforthatrightnow.Notwithyou,atleast,I

thoughtguiltily.NotthatIwascrazyenoughtobethinkingofhavingafamilywithEvan.AllIwanted

wastoseewhatitwouldfeelliketokisshim.Yeah,Icanadmitit.Iwantedtokisshim.Iwantedtofeel

hisbodynexttomine.Youknowhowbadthatfeelstorealizethatyouwanttokissyourboyfriend’s

friendasyou’resittingtherethinkinghewantstoproposetoyou?Notthatgreat.

“Yeah.I’mgladthatIdidn’tjustgetpissedoffthatfirstnightafteryouplayedthosegameswith

me.”

“Huh?”Ifrowned.“Whatgames?”

“Thepullandtuggames.”

“Whatpullandtuggames?”Myvoicerose.

“The‘Iwantyoutofuckme,butI’mgoingtopretendIdon’t,’”hesaidknowingly.

“Excuseme?”MyvoiceroseagainasIglancedathim.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Weleftthatclubbothknowingweweregoingtogetdownanddirty.”Heshrugged.“The

condomsinmywalletwereexcitedthattheywereabouttogetused.”

“Isee.”Ipursedmylipsandinthatmomentallthoughtsandworriesthathewasgoingtopropose

tomefledoutthewindow.

“Imean,webothknewthat,right?”

“Uhm,no,Ididn’tknowthatyourcondomswereexcitedbecausetheythoughtthattheywere

goingtogetused.”

“That’snotwhatI’msaying.I’msayingthatIthinkthatwebothhadtheunderstandingthatwe

weregoingtobegettingtoknoweachotherintimatelythatnight.”

“Youmeaninthebackalleybehindtheclub?”Iaskedhim,oneeyebrowraised.

“Thatwouldhavebeenhot,right?”HewinkedatmeandItriednottomakeafaceathim.Now,if

I’mbeinghonest,Ishouldhavegottenupandleftrightthenandthere.Iknewinthatmomentthat

PierceandIwerenotamatchmadeinheaven.HowcouldInot?ButIdidn’tgetup.Ididn’tleave.I

didn’tleavebecauseIknewthatifIdid,itwouldbeunlikelythatIwouldgettoseeEvanagainand

thatwassomethingthatIreallywanted.Iknow,Iknow,I’mahorribleperson.Youdon’thaveto

remindmeofthat.

“Idon’tknowaboutthat.”Ishookmyhead.

“Anyways,we’regettingsidetracked.”Heshookhisheadaswell.“It’snotevenaboutwhatcould

havehappened.I’mgladitdidn’thappen.Youmeanmoretomethanthat.”

“Ido?”Ilookedathim,tryingtounderstandwhathewastalkingabout.Imean,I’mallfor

romanticgestures.I’mallforguysdeclaringtheirundyinglove,especiallytome,butevenIhadto

admitthatwedidn’thavemuchofahistoryorthatmuchofaconnectionforhimtobemakingthese

declarations.I’msureIwouldhavethoughtdifferentlyaboutitifheweresomeonethatIwasreally

andtrulyinterestedin.

“Doyoulikeme,Jess?”Hecockedhisheadtotheside.“Sometimes,Ican’treallytell.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iblinkedathim,panicfillingmeandnotbecauseIthoughthewasgoingto

propose.DidheknowthatIlikedEvan?

“Idon’tknow.SometimesIcan’ttellifyouwanttobemygirlfriendornot?”

“Oh.”Ilickedmylipsnervously.WhatdidIsaytothat?

“You’reanenigma.”Heleanedforward.“Ithinkthat’spartofthereasonwhyIlikeyousomuch.”

Forafewseconds,Istaredathiminshock,thinkingthathe’djustsaidthathelovedme,butthenI

calmeddownandreplayedwhathe’dsaidinmyhead.Like,notlove,like.Muchbetter.Ifhe’dsaid

love,I’mnotsurewhatIwouldhavedone.

“Oh,interesting,”IsaidandgiggledwhileIplayedwithmysalad.WhyhadIgottenasalad?I

didn’tevenlikesalads.Ishouldhavegottenthelobsterrollandfries.Iwouldhavemuchpreferred

that.Iwasannoyedatmyself.Iwonderedifitwastoolatetoordersomefries.Friesandsaladdidn’t

reallygo,though.IwonderedifhewouldthinkIwasweirdifIorderedsomefriesnow?

“Sowhatdoyouthink?”Pierce’svoiceinterruptedmythoughts.

“Thinkaboutwhat?”Isaid,wonderingifhecouldreadmymind.WasheaskingifIthoughtI

shouldorderthefriesornot?

“Aboutbeingmygirlfriend.”Hesqueezedmyhand.“Areyouhappy?IknowthatIkindajust

assumedweweretogetherlikethat.”

“Uhm,Idon’tmind,”Imumbled.

“Somymomwantstothrowabirthdaypartyformenextweekandwedon’twantittobe

awkward.”

“Awkward?”Iglancedathimcuriously.

“Whywoulditbeawkward?”

“Well,youknow,Evan.”HeshruggedandgavemealookasifIshouldknowexactlywhathewas

talkingabout.WhichofcourseIdidn’t.WashesayingthatheandhismomknewthatEvanhadbeen

inappropriatewithme?OrwashesayingthatheknewthatIhadaslightinterest?

“Ohyeah,yeah.Imean,Idon’tthinkitwouldbeawkward,right?”Igavehimaslowsmileand

hopedforthebest.

“Yeah,Ithinkitwillbefine.Especiallybecauseyou’llbethere.Mymomisexcitedtomeetmy

newgirlfriend.”

“Sheis?”Isaidfaintly,mystomachdropping,wonderingwhatI’dgottenmyselfinto.What

exactlyhadhetoldhismomaboutme?Forasecond,Ifeltslightlypanicked,worriedthatperhapshe

wasgoingtoproposeattheparty.Thatwouldsuck,butIletmyselftakeafewdeepbreathsbeforeI

startedpanickingagain.StopbeinganidiotJess,Ilecturedmyself.Piercewasnotabouttopropose

anytimesoon.Iwasn’tsurewhythatthoughtkeptpoppingupinmymind.Itwassoentirely

ridiculous.

“Yeah,tobehonest,you’llbethefirstgirlfriendthatshe’smet.”Hegrinnedatme.“Nopressure.”

“Haha,yeah,nopressure.”Oh,God,Ithoughttomyself.Thiswasalmostasbadashim

proposing.Thiswasalmostasbad.Andthiswasn’tjustinmyhead.Thiswasforreal.IknewthatI

shouldhavejustlefttherestaurantandneverlookedback.IknewthatIshouldhavejustcutmylosses.

Imean,whatgoodwasgoingtocomefromthissituation?Whatgoodwasgoingtocomefrom

pretendingIwasfarmoreinterestedinhimthanIwas?Imean,yeah,Ilikedhim,andyeah,thefirst

timeImethim,Ithoughtthatperhapswehadaconnection.Therehadbeenaphysicalattraction.AndI

thinkinthatmomentI’ddecidedtogoalongwithit.Figuredmaybeitcouldbebetter.MaybeIjust

hadtogiveitabitmoretime.Figuredmaybeeverythingwouldworkoutwell,regardlessofthefact

thateverythingwasmuddledinmymind.

C H A P T E R 8

ess

INVITATION

CAME

VIA

.Itwasn’tcompletelyunexpected,yetitwasmuchmoreformalthanI

wouldhaveexpectedforabirthdayinvite.

EAR

ESS

YouarecordiallyinvitedtothethirtiethbirthdaypartyofPierceJohnsonon

SaturdayJuly15

.PleaseRSVPbyMondaythe10

LindaJohnson

P.S.I’msoveryexcitedtomeetyou,Jess.Piercehastoldmesomuchaboutyou.I’msureyoumustbe

averyspecialpersoninhislife.

READ

theemailandmystomachdropped.Ihadn’texpectedforhertoincludeapersonalmessagein

theemail.ExactlywhathadPiercetoldhisparentsaboutme?Ididn’tevenknowmuchabouthim,let

alonehisparents.

IstartedtofeelnervousthinkingaboutwhatPierce’sparents’expectationsweregoingtobewhen

wemet.IwasalsoworriedthatEvanwasgoingtobethere.Andwhatifhewasuptohisoldtricks?

Whatifhetriedtoteasemeortouchmeanddiditinfrontoftheparents?WhatiftheynoticedthatI

wasmorereceptivetoitthanIshouldhavebeen?WhatiftheythoughtIwasflirtingback?They’d

thinkIwasahorriblegirlfriend.MightevenmakeasceneandsaythatIwasacheaterorsomething.

WhattheniftheytoldPiercethatI’dbeenflirtingwithhisfriend?WhatifPiercewentuptoEvanand

startedanargumentwithhim?Whatiftheygotintoafight?Ahugebustup,fistsflying,blackeyes

mightbegiven—shit,oneofthemmightbreakahand,oranarmoraleg,orsomething.Thatwould

beabsolutelycrazy.Thatwouldruintheparty.Imean,itwouldbekindacooltohavetwoguys

fightingoverme.Itwouldbethefirsttimeanditwouldbekindofcool.Itwouldbenicetohavetwo

hotguysfightingoverme.Thoughmaybenotinthissituation.MaybenotatPierce’sbirthday.Infront

ofhisparentsandfriends.EspeciallyafterPierce’smomhadsentmesuchanicepersonalmessage

alongwithmyinvitation.Thewayshewasgoingonmademethinkshethoughttherewaspotential

forhertobemymother-in-law.Ididn’twanttobreakherheartthefirsttimeshemetme.Thatcould

happenlateron.Shit,hopefullyIwasn’tgoingtohavetomeetheragain.MaybeI’dhavetohavea

conversationwithPiercesoonerratherthanlater.Ididn’twanthimtellinghisparentsanythingabout

me,makingthemthinkthiswassomethingitwasn’t.Iwasmostlysurprisedtobeinsucha

relationship.IneverwouldhaveexpectedPiercetobelikethis.Itjustboggledmymindthatsucha

good-lookingguywouldbeactingthiscrazy.Itmademewonderwhathe’dsayifIweretodothe

samething.Whatifmymomwerecontactinghim,askinghimquestionsthatmadeitseemlikeI

thoughtwehadsomesortofseriousrelationship?Iwassurethathe’dbefreakingout.MaybeI

shoulddothesamething.MaybeIshouldrampitup.ThatwayIwouldn’tbethebadguyinthe

situation.IfIstartedtogetcrazymaybehewouldhavedoubtsaboutmeandthatwouldmakeitalot

easier.AtleastthenIwouldn’tfeellikethebadpersoninthesituation.EveniftechnicallyIwas

alreadythebadpersoninthesituation.Well,notinactualitybutinmyheadforsure.

Iwasn’tsureifIshouldgetdressedupfortheparty.Piercewantedmetohostthepartywithhim,

butIthoughtthatwasweird.Thiswasn’tthesortofthingthatweneededtohosttogether.Itwasn’t

evenappropriate.Notforourlevelofrelationship.Imean,itevenfeltweirdsaying“relationship”for

whatwehad.Istillcouldn’tbelievethatwewereboyfriendandgirlfriend.Basedonwhat,exactly,I

didn’tknow.ItwasalmostasifwewereintheTwilightZoneandIwaswatchingfromtheliving

room,unabletolookawayfromthecrazinessthatwasmylife.

“Youlookhot,Jess.”Alyssagrinnedasshetookinmyshortblackdressandbroughtmelipstick.

“WhatanicebirthdaypresentforPierce.”

“What’sanicebirthdaypresentforPierce?”Iaskedhercuriously.

“You,ofcourse.”Shegrinnedasshewinkedatme.“Tonightisgoingtobehot,right?”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Ifrownedather.

“Youarewearingyoursexyunderwear.”Shewinkedatmeagain.

“What?”

“Girl,you’rewearingathong.”Shelaughed.“Youonlywearthatwhenyou’regoingtogetlaid.”

“That’snottrue.”Ishookmyhead,thoughthatwasalie.Ineverworethongs.Ihatedthefeeling.I

onlyworethemtofeelsexy.IonlyworethemifIthoughtthattherewasaprobabilitythatIwasgoing

togetlaid.ThoughIhadnoplanstosleepwithPiercethatevening,oranyoneelsereally.Imean,it’s

notlikeIcouldsleepwithanyoneelsethenightofPierce’sbirthdayparty.NotthatIhadanyonein

mind,ofcourse.

“Jess,whodoyouthinkyou’relyingto?”Alyssagrinnedatme.“Iknowmythongsfrommy

grannypanties;I’mnotaguy.”

“Alyssa.”Irolledmyeyesandthenlookeddownatherinherreddress.“Areyouwearingany

panties?”Iaskedherincredulously.

“Haha,youhavetoask?”Shestartedlaughing.“Amateur.”

“Whyareyouwearingnopanties,Alyssa?”Iaskedher,notsurewhyIwasfeelingshocked.

“BecauseI’mhopingtonightisgoingtobealuckynightforme.”

“Aluckynight?”Irepeated.

“Whoknows,right?Imean,youneverknow.Pierceishotandyou’vealreadysaidthathisone

friendishot,right?”

“Evan?”Mystomachstartedchurning.WasshegoingtotryandhookupwithEvan?

“Yeah,soifhehasonehotfriend,I’msurehe’sgotothers.Hotguysruninposses.”Shestuckher

tongueoutatmeandmystomachsank.Wasshereallytalkingaboutotherguysorwasshethinkingof

Evan?HadIplayedhimuptoomuch?Oh,myGod,whatwasIgoingtodoifAlyssaandEvan

hookedup?Icouldfeelthejealousyinmystomachalready.Iwasn’tsurewhyIwasfeelingso

uncomfortablealready.Itwasn’tlikeEvanandIhadanything.AndIknewhewouldn’tturndown

Alyssa.Imean,whatguywould?Shewasgorgeous.Andshewasn’twearinganypanties.Shedidn’t

playgames.Ifaguywantedtogetlaid,shewouldbedown.AndIknewshewouldbedownforEvan.

Whowouldn’tbedownforEvan?Hewashotashell.

“Uhm,sure,”Isaidweakly,wonderingifithadbeensuchagoodideatoinviteAlyssaafterall.

IfsheendeduphookingupwithEvan,Iwasgoingtobeveryupset.Upsetandpissed.Iwasn’tsure

I’dbesoupsetifshehookedupwithPierce,andIwasn’tsurewhatthatsaidaboutme.Ihadafeeling

thatthenightwasgoingtobeahotmessandIwasn’tsurehowIwasgoingtopreventthatfrom

happening.

“Youdon’tmindifIhookupwithoneofhisfriends,doyou?Thatwon’tbeawkward,willit?”

“Youcandowhatyouwant,Alyssa.”Ishrugged.“You’reyourownwoman.”

“Jess.”Shepausedandgrabbedmyshoulders.“What’sgoingon?Yourfacelookslikeyouwant

tokillme.”

“Idon’twanttokillyou.”Iglaredather.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Jess.Iknowyoubetterthanyouknowyourself.You’remybestfriend.”Alyssasighed.“And

rightnow,Icantellthatyou’renothappy.”

“I’mfine.”

“Jess,tellmewhat’sgoingon.”

“Nothingisgoingon.”

“We’renotleavingthishouseuntilyoutellmewhat’sgoingon.”Shegrabbedmyhandandpulled

metothecouch.“What’swrong?”

“Alyssa,there’snothingwrong.”IsighedasIsatdownandclosedmyeyes.“Nothing.”

“Thatsuredidn’tsoundlikenothing.”Hervoicewassoft.“Talktome,Jess.”

“Alyssa,Ijustdon’tknowwhattothinkorfeelanymore.IfeellikeI’mobsessedorbewitchedor

somethinganditmakesnosense.”

“Bewitchedbywhat?”Shefrowned.

“Evan,”Isaidsoftly,notwantingtoadmitittoher,notevenwantingtoadmitittomyself.

“Pierce’sfriend?”Sheblinkedatme.“Youreallylikehim,huh?”

“Idon’tknowhimwellenoughtosayIlikehim.”Isighed.“Idon’tknowwhatitis,Idon’tknow

whyIfeelthisway.Ijustcan’tstopthinkingabouthimandwonderingwhatitwouldbeliketobewith

him.”

“Bewithhim?”Hereyeswidened.“Asinasexualnature?”

“Yes,Alyssa.”Ilaughed.“Asinasexualnature.”Igroaned.“Oh,myGod,Isuck.What’smy

problem?”

“Ithinkyoucan’thelpwhoyou’reinterestedinandthisEvanseemslikequitetheguy.”

“Ugh,he’snotagoodguy.Heseemslikeaplayer.”Igroaned.“AndIjustdon’tknowwhyI’mso

attractedtohim.It’snotasifPierceisn’tattractiveaswell.”

“Butifyou’renotasattractedtohim…”

“Ugh,Idon’tevenknow.WhatthehellamIdoing?”Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands.“Ireallysuck.

Thisreallysucks.Idon’tevenwanttogotonight.Youknowhismomisgoingtobethereandseems

tothinkwehavesomesortofseriousrelationship.Andwhatifhisdadisthereaswell?Whatifthey

thinkwe’rereallytightandthentheyseemewithEvan,andhetriestoflirtortouchmeor

something?”

“DoyouwantmetoflirtwithEvan,then?Distracthim?”

“No,”Ialmostshouted,andhereyeswidened.

“Oh,shit,you’rereallyintothisEvan,aren’tyou?”

“It’samess.”Inoddedandgroanedagain.“WhatamIgoingtodo?”

“Ignorehimasbestasyoucan.”Shelaughed.“AndIwilldothesame.”

“Oh,Alyssa,whatamIdoing?AndhowdidIgetsoluckytogetabestfriendlikeyou?”

“Youhaveabestfriendlikemebecauseyou’reawesome.”

“Iknow.”Igrinnedather.“Butyou’reevenmoreawesome.”

“Istheresuchathing?”Shewinkedatmeandwebothstartedlaughing.

“Idon’tknow.Perhaps?”Igiggledandgrabbedherhands.“Thanksformakingmefeelbetter

aboutallofthis.IfeellikeafoolforbeingjealousofyoupossiblyflirtingwithEvan.What’swrong

withme?”

“There’snothingwrongwithyou,”shesaid,andwebothknewthatwasonlypartiallytrue.Ihave

toadmitthatI’mnotquiteasinnocentasIwouldleadyoutobelieve.Iammeaninreallife—Iam.It’s

hardnottobeifyou’reasshyandinsecureasIam.Alyssadoesn’talwaysbelievemewhenIsayI

feeluncomfortableinthosetypesofsituations.Ithinkit’sbecauseontheoutsideIpretendI’mmore

confidentthanIam.Icanfakeitquitewell.That’sbecauseIdon’twanttobeasadcase.Myparents

raisedmetobestrong.MydadwasintheArmyandsohewasprettyclosedoff,andmymom…well,

shejustwasn’tverygoodwithexpressingfeelings.SoIgrewupkeepingeverythinginside.Andwhen

Isayeverything,Imeaneverything:feelings,emotions,wants,needs.SomemightsayI’msexually

repressed.I’vealwayshadfantasiesandthoughtsaboutdifferentthingsandscenariosI’dliketobein,

butI’veneveractedonthem.Icertainlyneverthoughtanyofthemwouldcometrue.AndIcan’tsay

thatI’veeverwantedtosleepwithaboyfriend’sfriendbefore.EspeciallyonelikeEvan.Ithink

though,thatEvanwastheonlysortofguyIwouldeverreallyfindmyselfinsuchasituationwith.

ThethingsIdespisedabouthimwerethethingsthatdrewmetohim.Hewascondescending,rude,

egotistical,narcissistic—everythingIdidn’twantinaman.Anditwasn’tasifhewantedmefor

anythingreal.Buttherewassomethingabouthimthatdrewmetohimanditwasn’tjusthislooks.I

can’tevenreallyexplainit.Butitwastheverythingsthatturnedmeoffofhimthatdrewmetohim.

I’dalwaysfoundmyselfattractedtotheguysthatIshouldn’thaveorwant.Therewassomething

aboutgettingattentionfrombadboysthatmademefeelmorealivethanatothertimes.Itwaslikemy

bodycravedtheunknown,thedark,thedevious.Ican’tevenexplainit.It’snotwhatIwantina

relationship.It’snotwhatIwantinaromance,yetIcan’tstopmyself.

“WebothknowI’vegotissues.”

“We’veallgotissues.”Shelookedmeintheeyes.“Don’tthinkthatyourissuesdefineyouorthat

youcan’tgetoverthem.”

“Ijustdon’twanttobethisperson,Alyssa.Idon’twanttokeepseekingouttheseguyswhoaren’t

goodforme.It’snothealthyandIjustdon’twanttokeepgoingdownthisroad.”

“Jess…”Alyssagavemeasmallsmile.“Let’sberealhere.Youdidn’tseekoutEvan.Infact,

you’renotevendatingEvan.Iwouldn’tbesodownonyourself.”

“Youdon’tthinkI’mcrazyforfeelingjealousthatyoumighthookupwithhimtonightata

birthdaypartyforadifferentguyI’mmeanttobedating?”

“Howdoyouwantmetoanswerthat?”Shelaughed.“Yes?No?Idon’tknowthisEvan,butIknow

whatit’sliketobeirrationallyjealous.Maybenotthisexactsituation,butI’vebeeninsimilar

situationsthatarecrazy.”

“ShouldIbreakupwithPierce?”Iaskedher,wantinghertotellmewhattodo.ThenIgroaned.

“IsitcrazythatIdon’tevenfeellikeI’mactuallydatinghim?”

“Well,I’veneverheardofaboyfriendandagirlfriendnothavingsex.”Alyssagrinnedatme

wickedly.“ButwhatdoIknow?”

“Nothing.”Ilaughed.“Absolutelynothing.”

“Exactly.”Shelaughed.“Let’sgoandhavefun.AndifyouendupbreakingupwithPiercetonight,

thenwhocares?Life’stooshorttobewithsomeoneyoudon’twanttobewith.”Herexpression

changedandshelookedatmeseriously.Shegrabbedmyhandsandthentookadeepbreath.“Okay,

I’mgoingtobeserioushereforafewseconds.”

“Uh-oh.”Imadeafaceandgiggled,butherexpressiondidn’tchange.

“Iwanttotellyousomething,”shesaidandcontinuedlookingintomyeyes.“Seriouslynow.”

“Serious?”Mystomachchurned.“AmIgoingtocry?”

“You’dbetternot.”Sheshookherheadandtookadeepbreath.“We’vebeenbestfriendsfora

longtime,Jess.AndIknowyoubetterthanIthinkanyonedoes,andyouknowmebetterthanIthink

anyonedoes,andwe’realwayshereforeachother.Iknow—andletmespeakbeforeyoutryand

interruptme—Iknowthatyourdadhaskindamessedwithhowyoureactanddealwithmen.Iknow

becausemydadwasunemotionaltooandthathasaffectedmeaswell,butinadifferentway.Iknow

wehaveourissues,emotional,andsensitiveandhardtounderstand.ButIwantyoutoknowhow

specialyouareandhowyou’reoneofthebestpeopleIknow.You’reseriouslyoneofthebestpeople

IknowandIhatetoseeyouinsuchself-doubt.Youthinkaboutotherssomuchandalwaysbefore

yourself,butsometimesyouneedtothinkofyourselffirst.Seriously,youcan’talwaysavoidhurting

someoneinlife.That’sjusthowlifegoes.Andguys…well,guysarecomplicated.Lifeis

complicated.Loveiscomplicated.That’sjusthowitgoes.Andit’scomplicatedforallofus.Don’t

beatyourselfup.Nomatterwhathappens.You’regreatandnomatterwhathappens,Iwillalwaysbe

hereforyou.Iwillalwayshaveyourback.Youdowhatyouneedtodo.Idon’tcareifit’ssomething

crazy,somethingscandalous,somethingthatyou’lllookbackonintenyearsandsay‘oh,myGod.’I

willalwaysbehereforyou.I’myourrideordie.Iwillalwaysloveyou.Iwillalwayshaveyourback.

Youcanalwaystellmeanything.Anything.Ifyoufuckingkillsomeone,youcantellme.Iwillalways

behereforyou.Throughboyfriends,husbands,kids,grandkids,throughfriggingdeath,youhear

me?Iwillalwaysbeyourbestfriend.Youcanalwaystellmeanything.”Shesqueezedmyhands.

“Don’teverdoubtyourselforworryaboutwhatyou’rethinkingorfeeling.Oreverdoubtyoucan

tellmeanything.Youhearme?”Shetookadeepbreath.“Wow,thatwasalot.”Shelookedmeinthe

eyes.“ButIhopeitallcamethrough.”

“Iloveyou,Alyssa.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“Youknowwhattosaytomakemefeelbetter,

everysingletime.Howdoyouknowhowtodothat?”

“’CauseI’myourplatonicsoulmate.”Shegavemeasmallsmile.“Andyou’vebeenthereforme

somanytimesinthepast.Andyou’vealwaysknownhowtomakemefeelbetter.Iwantyoutoknow

thatyoudon’talwayshavetobetherock.Icanbetherockaswell.Icanbeyourrock.I’myour

rock.”

“Iknow,girl.You’remyrock.”

“I’msolidasarock.”Shelaughed.

“Solidasarock,”Isangandshesangalongwithme.“Solidasarock.”

“Let’sdothis,”Isaidandjumpedup.“Let’sgoandgetdrunkandjusthaveagreatnight.Wegot

this.”

“Yousure?Wedon’thavetogo.”

“Don’tyouwanttoseeEvan?Theguywhohasmeinknots?WhoIbarelyevenknow?”

“Areyoujoking?”Shelaughed.“I’vebeendyingtoseeEvansinceyoustartedtalkingabouthim.”

“Haha,Ibet.Let’shavesomeshotsbeforewego.IthinkIneedtoshowupalittlebuzzed.”

“Ithoughtyou’dneversuggestthem.”Shegrinned.“Vodkaortequila?”

“Both.”Igrinnedbackather.“Weneedtogetsuperdrunk.Well,notsuperdrunk,butIcan’tshow

upsober.”

“Meeither.”Shelaughed.“Iwon’tbeontopofmygameifI’msober.”

“You’realwaysontopofyourgame.”Ilaughed.

“That’strue.”Shenodded.“That’soneofmytalents.Ihadtohaveone.”

“Youhavemorethanone.”

“Yeah,true.Theotheroneismakingbadassshots,”shesaidasshepouredahealthydoseof

alcoholintotworegularglasses.”

“Alyssa,thosearenotshotglasses.”

“Oops,”shesaidwithagiggleandpassedmeaglass.“Let’sgetdrunk,baby.”

“Here’stobaddecisions.”IgiggledtooasIsippedthevodka.“Oh,myGod,whatamIsaying?”

“Whatwe’reboththinking,”shesaidwithasmile.“Baddecisionsandregretsinthemorning.”

“Idon’twantanyregretsinthemorning,”Isaidandthenwinkedather.“Well,there’soneregretI

wouldn’tmind.”

“Oh,Jess.”Shelaughed.“Tonightisgoingtobeinteresting.”

“Yeah,itwillbe.”Ilaughed.“Oh,myGod,whatamIsaying?”

“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyousay,it’sallaboutwhatyoudo.Orwhoyoudo.”Shesippedhervodka.

“AndIhaveafeelingyou’llbedoingsomeonetonight.”

“Alyssa!”Igasped.

“What?”Shesaidwithawink.

“There’snoway,”Isaid.Butofcourseshewasright.Alyssawasalwaysright.Imean,itwasn’t

likeIdidn’tkindofseeitcoming.IknewIhadtomakeadecision.Ijustdidn’tthinkitwouldgo

downasitdid.Imean,whoreallyexpectsforcrazytobethatcrazy?Icertainlydidn’texpectmy

crazytobesocrazy.Imean,there’scrazyandthenthereiscrazywithacapitalC.Ididn’texpectmy

crazytobeGuinnessWorldRecordscrazy.Ishouldhaveknown,though.Myguttoldmethatthere

wassomethingslightlyoffinthewholesituation.Ijustcouldn’thaveknownhowoffeverythingwas.

C H A P T E R 9

ess

HERE

’

amomentinlifethat’sthepivotalmoment.Somemightsaythattherearemanypivotal

moments.Somemaysaythat,butIbelievethatthereisonepivotalmomentthat’smoreimportantthan

alltheothermoments.Onemomentthatwillimpactyourlifeforever.Itsoundskindofcrazy,ifyou

thinkaboutit.Onemomentthatcanchangeeverythinginyourlife.Onemomentthatcanmeanyour

lifeisgoingtogoinonedirectionoranother.Thecraziestpartisthatyouneverknowwhenyou’re

goingtohavethatmoment.Therearemanymomentsthatseemliketheymightbethatmoment.There

aremomentsthatseemliketheymightbebiginthegrandschemeofthings,butthentheyhappenand

theyjustaren’tasbigasyouthoughttheyweregoingtobe.However,thismoment,thismomentin

mylifeiscrazybigandnotinthewayyouwouldhaveimagined.

AlyssaandIarrivedatPierce’splaceaboutanhourafterthepartyhadstarted.Ithinkthathe’d

beenslightlyupsetthatIwasn’ttherewhenthepartyhadstarted,butIreallyhadn’twantedtobethere

rightatthebeginning.Ididn’twanttobegreetinghisfriendsandfamilylikeweweresomething

reallyspecial.Imean,IknewIhadtobeagoodgirlfriend,butIalsocouldn'tpretendwewereina

placethatweweren’tin.Normallyitwasthegirlwhowastryingtopushthingstoofast,butitseemed

tomethatPiercewasactinglikethegirl,andithadunnervedme.Iwasn’tsurewhyhe’dgrownso

attachedtomesoquickly.AndpartofmecouldonlyassumeitwasbecauseofthechallengeI

presentedtohim.Theno-sexthingwasobviouslygettingtohim.ThefunnypartwasthatIwasn’t

holdingoutonhimbecauseIwantedhimtobemoreseriousaboutme.Thiswasn’tagame.Apartof

methoughtIshouldjustsleepwithhimandthenseewhathappened.Iwasprettysurethathe’dbe

donewithmefasterthanIcouldblinkifIsleptwithhimand,surprisingly,thatdidn’thaveme

worriedorconcerned.

“Mom,IwantyoutomeetJess,”Piercesaid,introducingmetohismotherconfidently,andher

adoringlookathimandthebenevolentlookatmetoldmeallIneededtoknow.Piercewasa

momma’sboy,whichIwouldn’thaveguessed,atleastbasedonourfirstmeeting.Actually,Inever

wouldhaveguessedatanyfacetsofhispersonalitybasedonourfirstmeeting.Iguessfirst

impressionsaren’talwayswhattheyseem.

“Sonicetomeetyou,Jess.”Hismomgazedatmewithahugesmileandthenwentinforahug,

whichIwasn’texpecting.Igaveherasmallhugbackandshejustlookedmeover.

“You’reevenprettierinpersonthanIthoughtyou’dbe.”Shegavemeanapprovingnodandthen

lookedatPierce.“Iknewyou’dmakeagooddecisionwhenyoufinallydecidedonaserious

girlfriend.”

Ihavetoadmitthatmyheartstartedthuddingthenandnotinagoodway.TheonlyreasonwhyI

didn’tjuststraightupleavethepartythenwasbecause:1.Iwasalreadydrunk;2.ItlookedlikeAlyssa

washavingfun;and3.IwasstillhopingtoseeEvan.Andyes,Iwascasuallylookingaroundthe

apartmenttoseeifIcouldseehim,evenasPierce’smomwasgrinningatme.Yes,Isuck.Idon’tdeny

that.Ireallyandtrulysuck.Piercedeservedsomeonebetterthanme;thoughifI’mhonest,our

relationshipwasn’treallybuiltonanything.Technically,wedidn’tevenreallyhaveareal

relationship.Idon’tknowifI’mjusttryingtomakeexcusesorwhat,butIseriouslydon’tthinkwe

arethatserious.Especiallyforthewayhismomwasgoingon.Itjustseemedkindofofftome.But,

yeah,Iknewthatsomethingwasoffbeforetheparty,soIshouldhavesaidsomethingbeforeitall

wentdown.ButwebothknowthatIdidn’tsayanything,sothefalloutthatcamewasreallyallmy

fault.

IknewassoonasEvanenteredtheapartment.TheairchangedandIcouldfeelthehairsonthe

backofmyneckrising.Ihadn’tevenseenhim,orheardhim.Ijustknewhewasthere.Itwassome

sortofsixthsense.IguessyoucouldcallitmyEvan-sense.MyEvan-sensewasinfullswingthat

night.And,boy,wasitanight.Itwasthenightthatchangedeverything.

C H A P T E R 1 0

van

FIRST

THING

IdidwhenIwalkedintotheapartmentwaslookforJess.I'dtimedmyarrivaltothe

partytoensureshe'dbetherefirst.MyheartstilledasIsawherstandingtherenexttoPierceand

Linda,lookingsexyashellinhershortblackdress.Iwasn’tsureifshehaddressedupforme,butall

Icouldthinkaboutwashowhotshe’dlookifsheweren’twearingthedress.Iwasn’tevenreallysure

whyI’dcomeorwhatIwashopingtoaccomplishbybeinghere.IknewIwasplayingwithfire.Jess

wasPierce’sgirlandbyallaccounts,hewasfairlyseriousabouther.Muchmoreseriousthanhe’d

everbeenaboutanygirlbefore.Itsurprisedme,asJesswasn’tthesortofgirlthatIwouldhave

thoughthe’dwanttobewith.Shewasn’thisusualtype.Heusuallywentfortallskinnyblondes,and

thatwasn’tJess.Shewasaboutfivefootsix,curvywithlongdarkhairandbigbrowneyesthat

flashedfirewhenshewasupset.Whichshewasfrequentlyatme.WhichIliked.Justthinkingabout

whataspitfireshewasturnedmeon.Iwonderedifshehadsuchextremereactionsinthebedroomas

well.

IknewthesecondthatJessrealizedIwastherebecauseIsawherturnaroundandhereyesfound

mine.Shegazedatmeforabriefsecondandalmostgavemeasmallsmilebeforesheturnedaway

abruptly.Iresistedtheurgetogostraighttoher.Ihadtotakeitcool.Itwouldn’tdoifIshowedmy

handsosoonintheevening.Ireallyshouldn’tshowmyhandatall,thoughIwasn’tsurethatIwould

beabletoresist.NotifIwasaroundherfortoolong.

IneverexpectedtofallforJess.Withhersmartmouthandawkwardsmile,shewasn'tthegirlI

thoughtshewasatfirst.Hereyes,whenshelookedatme,castheruncertaintyoutintotheroomandI

alwaysfeltmyselfpausingforafewsecondsbeforecontinuingtoteaseher.Icouldn'tstopmyself.I

lovedtowatchherreactionstowhatIsaid,lovedtoseehereyesnarrowingassheglared,andtheway

shenervouslylickedherlipswhenshethoughtIwasn'tlooking.JesswasacomplicationIhadn't

countedon.Atfirstithadbeenagame,butveryquicklyithadturnedintosomethingdifferent.I

couldn'tgetheroffmymind.IaskedPierceallthetime—thoughverycasually—ifshewasgoingto

becomingaround,andIknewIwasplayingwithfire.Butheneversuspectedanything.Whywould

he?Hewouldneverexpecttobebetrayedlikethat.Especiallyfromme.

“Evan,howyoudoing,man?”Braydon,oneofPierce’sbestfriendsapproachedmeandgaveme

ahug.

“Howareyou,Braydon?”Iaskedhimwithasmallsmile,havingtoneglectmythoughtsofJess

forafewminutes.

“Good.Ihaven’tseenyouinawhile.Piercetoldmeyouwereintown.Thinkingofmoving

here?”

“Yeah,I’mthinkingofmovingback.”Inodded.“Howareyou?Howareyourparents?”

“They’regood.Ithinkthey’regoingtomovetoFlorida.”Hemadeaface.“SunshineStateandall

that.”

“Sure.”Inoddedagain.“Goodforthem.Yourdadcangolfalldaythen.”

“Yeah,somethinglikethat.”Helaughedandturnedaround.“I’msurprisedyoucame,withLinda

here.”

“Really?”IlaughedandthoughtquicklyofsomethingelsetosayasIwantedtochangethesubject.

“HaveyoumetJess?”Iaskedhim,almostgroaning.ShewasthelastpersonIwantedtobetalking

about.

“Jess?”Braydonpausedandthenshookhishead.“Oh.That’sPierce’snewgirlfriend,right?”

“Yeah.”Inodded,wonderingexactlywhatPiercewastellingeveryoneaboutJessandexactlyhow

serioushewasabouther.Icouldn’timaginehewassuperseriousabouther,seeingastheyhadjust

starteddating,butyouneverknewwithPierce.HewasoneofthemostunpredictablepeopleIknew

andhadalwaysbeenthatway.Hewasacontrarycharacter,thoughnotalotofpeoplerealizedthat.

“She’sverynice.”

“Yeah,that’swhathesaid.”Braydonnoddedandlookedoverather.“Hemetherinsome

nightclub,Ithink.Ibetshemustbegoodinbed.”

“Idon’tknowthatthey’veslepttogether,”Isaid,annoyedathisassumption,andwonderedwhatI

woulddoifIfoundoutthattheyhadandhowirrationalthatwouldbeofmetobeupsetifIfoundout

thatPiercehadsleptwithhisgirlfriend.Iwastoooldforthisshit.

“Oh,ofcoursethey’vebanged.”Braydongavemealook.“ThisisPiercewe’retalkingabout.

There’snowaythathewouldn’thavesleptwithherasyet.They’vebeendatingforawhileandshe’s

allupbyhissideonhisbirthday.Piercewouldneverhavethathappeningifhewasn’thittingthat.”

“Isee.”IlookedintoBraydon’ssparklingblueeyesandstaredathishugegrinandwondered

whatitwasaboutyoungguysandbeingcrude.

“Yeah,man.Whataboutyou?Gotanynicechicas?”

“Nochicashere.”Ishookmyhead.“You?”

“Youknow.”Helaughed.“I’vegotafewhereandafewthere.”Hewiggledhiseyebrowsatme.

“ButI’malwaysdownformore.”

“Yeah,I’msureyouare.”Ilaughedalongwithhim,wantingtoturnaroundandlookatJessand

seewhatshewasdoing,butnotwantingtocallattentiontomyself,orthefactthatIwasinterestedin

whatshewasdoing.

“Sowhatelseisgood,man?”Braydonspoketome,butIcouldseehiseyesonablondewhowas

dancingbyherselfinthecorneroftheroomwithaglassofsomethinginherhands.

“Notmuch.Sameold,sameold,”Isaidandlookedatthegirl,whoseemedtobeveryintoxicated

asshedancedaround.

“Jess,”shecalledoutloudly,andIfroze.“Jess,comeanddancewithme.”ShelookedovertoJess

andIrealizedthatthismustbeherfriendAlyssathatshe’dmentionedseveraltimes.

“Justasec,”JessrespondedandIsawhergivingPiercealookandaquicktouchontheback

beforeheadingovertoherfriend.Iwantedtogooverandjointhem.WantedtopullJessintomy

arms,askherifshepreferreditroughorgentleandifshecouldgoallnightlong.Iwantedtoseeher

facegoingred.Iwantedtomakehersquirm.Iwantedtohearhercallingmedirtyorobnoxiousor

annoyinginthatwaythattoldmethatasmuchasshehatedit,sheloveditaswell.Isobadlywantedto

touchher.Iwasn’tsurewhyIfeltthisattractiontoher,wasn’tsurewhatitwasthatmademewantto

playwithfiresomuch.IknewthatwhatIwasdoingwaswrong.Iknewthattherewasserious

potentialforeverythingtoblowupinmyface.AndIknewthatifthathappened,itwouldbeallmy

fault.IknewthatJesswouldcomeoffbadlyaswell,butnotasbadlyasme.AndallIcouldthinkwas,

woulditbeworthit?Foreitherofus?That,Ididn’tknow.Washotsexworthit?I’dfoundinmylife

thatsexitselfwasn’tworthanydrama,butthisseemedlikeitwasmorethansex.Itseemedlikethis

hadpotentialtobemore.Iwasn’tsureexactlywhatmore,butIwasinterestedinfindingout.Ijust

wasn’tsurethatI’deverhaveachance.

“Shit,thatblondchickissexyashell,”Braydonsaid,hiseyesalmostbuggingoutofhisheadas

hecontinuedtowatchAlyssadancing,herbodymovinginsensualrhythmtothemusicthatwas

poundingthroughouttheapartment.IcouldtellbythewayshewasdancingthatAlyssaknewexactly

whatshewasdoingandthatshewashopingforasmuchmaleattentionasshecouldget.Thelookon

herfaceandthewayherlipswerecurveduptoldmethatsheknewthateverysingle—andnotsingle

—guywaswatchingherassheflittedaround.Well,allthesingleguysbutme.MyeyeswereonJess

andonlyJess.Sexy,beautifulJess.

“Whydon’tyougooverandtalktoher?”Iaskedhimwithasmallsmile.“I’llcomewithyouif

youneedawingman.”

“YouthinkIshould?”heasked,notreallyneedingtobeconvinced.

“Yeah,man.Ithinkshe’sbeenlookingatyou,”Ilied.“She’sprobablywaitingforyoutocome

overrightnow.”

“ThenIshouldn’tdisappointher.”Hetooksomelargegulpsofhisbeerandthenputthebottle

downontheground.“Okay,I’mready.Letmeshowblondiewho’stheboss.”

“Yeah,youdothat,Braydon,”Isaidandgavehimasmallnod,tryingnottorollmyeyes.

“Let’sgo.”Hegavemeanassertivelookandheadedtowardsthecorner,whereAlyssaandJess

weregyratingtothemusic.Ifollowedbehindhim,tryingtoactnonchalantasweapproachedthetwo

girls.“Hey,wassup,”BraydonsaidashestoppednexttoAlyssaandItriedagainnottorollmyeyes.

Hehadabsolutelynogame.Butthatwasn’tmyproblem.

“Hello.”AlyssalookedhimoverandIcouldtellfromtheexpressiononherfacethatshewas

pleasedwithwhatshesaw.Obviouslyshehadnodiscerningtaste.NotthatIcared.

“Hello,I’mEvan,”Isaid,reachingmyhandouttointroducemyselftoher.

“Hello,Evan,”shesaidandIsawhergivingJessaquicklookbeforelookingbackatme.

Interesting,Ithoughttomyself.ItseemedthatJesshadmentionedmetoAlyssa,ifthatlookwas

anythingtogoby.“I’mAlyssa.”

“Nicetomeetyou,Alyssa,”IsaidasIshookherhand.IlookedoveratJessandgaveheranod.

“Jess,goodtoseeyouagain.”

“Uhhuh,”shesaid,hereyesnarrowed.

“IsthatallIgetinresponse?”Iaskedherwithasmallsmile.“No‘nicetoseeyouagaintoo,

Evan’?”

“Idon’tliketolie.”

“Really?Youcan’tevenfakeitforme?”

“WhywouldIwanttodothat?”Shecockedherheadtothesideandgavemeasmallsmileasshe

swayedbackandforth.

“Noreason.”Iwantedtowipethatsmileoffherfacebyshockingherwithahugekissor

somethingequallydecadent,butIknewIcouldn’tdothatandcallitoffasajoke.Noonewouldbe

coolwithmesmoochingJessatthismoment.AndIcouldn’triskgettingthrownoutoftheparty,not

yet.TherewasnogoodexplanationformegettingclosetoherandIknewit.Thatdidn’tmeanI

didn’twanttoattemptsomethingwithher.Verybadly.

“So,hadanyfundateswithSquirrelrecently?”Iaskedherwithasmallsmile.“Anycleanup

duty?”

“No.”Hereyesnarrowedatme.“Whataboutyou?Youseemlikeyou’dbegoodwiththeshit.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”

“Maybebecauseyou’refullofit,”shesaidunderherbreathandhereyesflashedatmebriefly.I

gaveherahugesmileinreturnandsheflushed.IlookedoveratBraydonandwassurprisedtosee

thathewasdancingwithAlyssaandshehadherarmswrappedaroundhisneck.

“Yourfriendisn’tshy,isshe?”IsaidtoJess,andshelookedoveratAlyssa.Isawhereyes

widening,butshedidn’tlookshocked.Interesting.

“Doyoucare?”Shepausedasshelookedbackatme.“Sadyoumissedout?”

“Who,me?Nah.”Ilookeddownather.“IknowwhatIwant.”

“Isee.”Shelickedherlipsnervouslyandlookedawayfromme.

“What’swrong,Jess?”Iaskedhersoftly.

“Nothing.”Shefrowned.“Whydoyouthinksomethingiswrong?”

“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“Youjustlookoutofsorts.”Herfingersstartedplayingwithherlongdark

hairthenandIwatchedasshepacedbackandforthnervously.“Idon’tmakeyouuncomfortable,doI,

Jess?”

“No.”SheswallowedandIsawherlookingawayagain.Igrinned.Thiswasliketakingcandy

fromababy.Shewassointome,itwasn’tfunny.Andwhileapartofmewasexcitedaboutthefact

thatIwasprettyconfidentshewasintome,Ifeltalittlehesitant.IknewthatbypursuingherIwas

goingtobemakingeverythingawkwardforallofus.AndIwasn’tsureIwantedtodothat.What

wouldhappenifIhadmywickedwaywithher?Wouldshehatemeafterwards?Andwhatwouldthat

meantomyrelationshipwithPierce?We’donlyrecentlyreconnectedandIwasn’tsurethiswasthe

rightwaytomakesurethateverythingwasgoingtobekosher.However,Iwasn’tsureIcould

continuefightingmyattractiontoJess.Therewasjustsomethingaboutherthatfeltsocompelling

andattractive.Anditwasn’tjustaboutherbeauty.Ithadtodowiththefurtiveglancesshegaveme

whenshethoughtIwasn’tlooking.Ithadtodowiththewaysheranthetipofhertonguealongher

lipsnervously,wettingthem.Thewaysheappliedherlip-glossslowly,delicately,carefully,making

mewishitwasmeglidingacrossherlips.Ithadtodowiththewayhereyesflashedatmewhenshe

wasmad.Thewaythewordstrippedoffherlipsinamad,annoyedway,yettheyweresocarefully

chosen.Therewassomethingaboutherenergy.Somethinginthewayshemoved.Somethingthat

captivatedmemorethanI’deverbeencaptivatedbefore.Apartofmewasscaredbythatfact,butthe

otherpartofmewantedtopursueit,wantedtoseewhereitcouldgo.Iwantedtobewithher.Iwanted

tobeinher.Iwantedher.

“Thereyouare.”IheardPierce’svoicebehindmeandIfrozeforasecond.“Jess,Ihavesome

friendsI’dlikeyoutomeet.”

“IwasjustdancingwithAlyssaandthenEvancameandjoinedme,”Jessexplainedquickly,

soundingguilty,thoughIwasn’tsurewhyshedid.Itwasn’tlikewe’ddoneanything.

“Oh,hey.”Piercereachedoverandhuggedme.“Ididn’tevenseeyoucomein.Sohappythatyou

madeit.”

“Wouldn’thavemisseditfortheworld,”Irepliedanditwasmyturntofeelguilty.Whatsortof

personwasI?“HappyBirthday.”

“Momishereandshe’sgoingcrazy,stilltryingtoplaneverything.”Piercerolledhiseyes.“Itold

herthepartyisalreadyhalfover,what’sworkingisalreadyworkingandwhat’sgoingtofailcan’tbe

stoppedrightnow.”

“Yeah.”Inoddedandlaughed.“I’msureshedidn’tlisten,though.Youknowyourmom.”

“Yeah.”Helaughedagain.“She’sstillrunningaround,tryingtofixthingsthatdon’tneedtobe

fixed.”HeturnedtoJessthenandrubbedherback.“Shereallylikesyou,though.”Hegaveherahuge

grin.“Shethinksyou’reagreatgirl.”

“Oh,thanks,”Jesssaidsoftly,andIcouldtellfromherresponsethatshewasn’tasenthusiasticas

Piercewasbythatfact.

“Yeah,Itoldherthatwecouldgotobrunchtomorrow.That’scool,right?”

“Iguessso.”Shenodded.

“IwasthinkingEthiopianfood,”hecontinued,andIsawhereyesdartingtohisfacewitha

shockedlook.

“You’rejoking,right?”Shegavehimahalfsmile,aworriedlookonherface.

“No,whywouldIbejoking?”Helookedatherinconfusion.

“Ethiopian?”shesaidwithafrown.

“Yeah?”HecockedhisheadandIwantedtolaugh.EvenIknewbythispointthatJesshated

Ethiopianfood.ItwassadthatPiercestilldidn’tremember,butIthinkitwaspartofthereasonwhyI

feltitwasokaytocontinuemypursuitofJess.Iwasn’tsurewhatgamehewasplayingwithher,but

somethingwasoffinthissituation.Itdidn’tseemtomethathewasreallyinterestedinher.He

couldn’thavebeenthatinterestedifhedidn’tevenrememberthatshehatedEthiopianfood.

“Nothing.”Shesighedandjustlookedaway.“Itdoesn’tevenmatter.”

“Okay.”Heshrugged.“Youwannacomewithustoo,Evan?”

“I’mnotsurethatthatwouldbeagoodidea.”Ishookmyhead.Thatsoundedliketorturetome.

No,thankyou.

“Jess,comewithme.”Hegrabbedherhandandgavemeaquicklook.“Excuseus,Iwantherto

meetsomemoreofmyfriends,”hesaidandIwatchedastheyhurriedacrosstotheothersideofthe

roomandtowardsagroupofguysandgirlswholookedslightlyfamiliar.Icouldseeoneredheadin

particularwhowasglaringatthembothandsomethingaboutthewayPiercewaslookingathermade

methinkthatthiswomanmightbeanotherclueinthepuzzlethatwasJessandPierce’srelationship.

TheredheadtouchedhisarmsoftlyandInoticedthatshewaslookingathimcoylyandgivingJess

smallglares,whichJessdidn’tseemtorecognize.Itmademewonderwhatrelationshiptheredhead

andPiercehadhadinthepast.Itwasobviouslysomethingmorethanplatonic.AndifthewayPierce

wasstandingclosetoboththeredheadandJesswasanyindication,itseemedtomethatPiercewas

tryingtoplaysomesortofgamewithbothofthesewomen,whichmademefeelawholelot

differentlyabouthowguiltyIwouldfeelaboutpursuingJessformyself.Ifhewasbeingshadyand

didn’thavegoodintentionstowardsJess,thiswasaverydifferentsituation.

IleftAlyssaandBraydonandwalkedovertothesideoftheroomtogetadrinkandtothink.Ihad

somedecisionstomakeaboutwhatIwasgoingtodo.Tonightwasthenightformetomakeahuge

moveorjustwalkawayandleteverythinggo.Itookashotofbourbon,andthenasecondoneand

lookedbackoveratJessandPierceandthewayhisarmwasaroundherwaistpossessively.Iknewin

thatinstantthatIalreadyknewwhatdecisionIwasgoingtomake.Notthattherehadreallybeenany

otheroption.NotwiththewayIwascurrentlyfeeling.Ijusthadtomakeithappen.

C H A P T E R 1 1

van

WAS

midnightandIcouldhearsomeonewalkingaroundthelivingroom.NormallyIwouldn’thave

paidmuchattention,butcuriositygotthebetterofme.IwantedtoknowifitwasJess,andifitwas,

whatshewasdoingup.IwonderedifshewasthinkingofmeandifshewasasrestlessasIwas.I

couldn’tsleepatall.Iwasinvadedwiththoughtsofherandtheconstantflirtingwe’ddoneallnight.

AllIcouldthinkaboutwasherandifshewasascuriousaboutwhatIwasthinkingasIwas.Didshe

wonderwhatwouldhavehappenedbetweenusifshehadn’tmetPiercefirst?IknewIcertainly

thoughtaboutit.ButIdidn’tknowifshewouldhaveevenpaidattentiontomeifshe’dmetmeina

differentsetting.Shelikelywouldn’thaveevengivenmethetimeofdayifI’dapproachedheratthe

club.ThoughI’mnotsurethatwouldhavestoppedme.ShewassomeoneI’dhavetakenachancewith

ifI’dhadtheopportunity.Though,itwouldhavebeenamuchdifferentsituation.Thesituationwe

wereinnow,thoughnotideal,somehowmadeitevenmoreexciting.Eventhoughitshouldn’thave.I

knewthatitwaskindofsick,thisgameIwasplaying,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.

Ijumpedoutofmybedandheadedtowardsthekitchen,withthepretenseofneedingtogetaglass

ofwater,whichwasn’texactlyalie,basedonallthealcoholI’dconsumedattheparty.Ilookeddown

atmyboxersanddebatedputtingonaT-shirt,butdecidedagainstit.Iwalkedtothekitchenquickly,

myheartracing,wonderingwhoIwasgoingtosee.IfeltthegrincrossingmyfaceasIsawJess’s

figureinthekitchenwithherbacktome.Iwalkedupbehindhersoftly,wantingtosurpriseherand

seehowshewasgoingtoreact.Istoppedbehindherandgrabbedheraroundthewaistandpushed

myselfintoher.Sheyelpedslightlyatmytouch.

“Hey,honey,”Isaidsoftlyandwhisperedintoherear.ThiswasthemomentI’dbeenwaitingfor.I

hadn’tbeenabletosaymuchelsetoheratthepartyandithaddrivenmecrazy.I’dbeenhopingall

nightthatIwouldbeabletoseeheraloneandthatI’dgettoteaseherandtormenther.Ihadn’tbeen

giventheopportunityattheparty,butIwasbeinggiventheopportunitynow.

“Evan.”Shegasped,notmovingawayfromme.

“Yes,Jess,”Isaid,runningmyfingersgentlyacrossherstomachandfeelingmyselfgrowing

hardagainstherass.Ipushedmyselfintoheralittlefirmersoshecouldseeexactlyhowshewas

affectingme.Iwasn’tgoingtoholdanythingbackinthismoment.SheneededtoknowexactlyhowI

felt.AndIneededtoknowifthiswasgoingtobemorethanagameornot.Hadshegottenuptogeta

glassofwaterbecauseshewantedthismomenttohappen,orwasthismerelyacoincidence?Every

partofmebelievedthatthiswasbecauseshewantedtobewithmeandthiswashowshewasmaking

hermove,butIneededtofindoutifthatwastrueornot.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Shegaspedagain,yetshedidn’tmove.

“Exactlywhatyouwantmetodo,”Imuttered,voicedeepwithraw,unbridledpassion.Ijust

wantedtobendheroverandtakeher,butIknewthatwouldbewaytoomuchrightnow.Thougha

partofmethoughtthatshewouldenjoyit.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”shesaidandIcouldfeelherbodytremblingagainstme.Imoved

myfingersfartherupherstomachandpausedthemrightunderneathherbreasts.

“Whatdoyouthink,sexy?”Igroanedagainsther.“Iwanttofuckyou.”

“Evan.”Shesoundedshockedanditwasatthatpointthatshepushedawayfrommeandsteppedto

theside.

“Whatthehelldoyouthinkyou’redoing?”Shegasped,hereyesflashingatmefuriously.

“Ialreadytoldyou,”Isaidwithagrin,lickingmylips.“Doyouhaveaproblemwiththat?”

“OfcourseIhaveaproblemwiththat.Howdareyoutalktomelikethat?”

“Talktoyoulikewhat?”Ipretendedtolookconfused,butIcouldn’tstopmyselffromsmilingasI

lookedatherhardnipplesprotrudingfromhernightgown.

“You’reapig.”Sheshookherheadandmadetomovepastme.

“Whereareyougoing?”Iasked,feelingdisappointedthatshewasgoingtoleavethekitchen.

“I’mgoingbacktobed.”Sheshookherheadatme,uncertaintyinhervoice.“Piercewillbe

wonderingwhereIam.”

“He’sfastasleep.”Itriednottosoundaggravated.Ididn’twanttohearaboutPiercerightnow.I

didn’twanttofeelguiltyandIdidn’twanthertobethinkingofhimeither.Theonegoodthingwas

thatIwasprettyconfidentthattheyhadn’thadsexbecausehe’dbeenreadytopassoutbeforetheparty

hadevenended.Notthatthatshouldhavebeenagoodthingforme.IwasgoingtohellandIknewit.I

figuredImightaswellenjoytheridethere.

“Whatdoyouwantfromme,Evan?”ShebitdownonherlowerlipandIwantedtoleanoverand

kissher.

“YouknowwhatIwant.”

“No,Idon’t”

“Yes,youdo.”Istaredatherandstoppedsmiling.“YouknowwhatIwantbecauseyouwantit

too.”

“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”Shemadeafaceatme.

“Yes,youdo,andyouknowhowIknow?”

“How?”SherolledhereyesbutIcouldseeherstartingtolooknervouslyatmeasshefidgeted.

“Iknowbecauseyou’restillherewithme,”Isaidmatter-of-factly.“Ifyouhadabsolutelyno

interest,youwouldhavefledfromthekitchenassoonasIenteredandputmyarmsaroundyour

waist.”

“Evan,Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.”ShelookedatmychestforafewsecondsandI

winkedatherwhenshelookedbackupintomyeyes.

“Justsayyou’reasintriguedbymeasIambyyou.”Imovedclosertoherandstoppedright

beforeIwastouchingheragain.

“Idon’tknowwhatyou’rethinking.”Shemadeaface.

“YouknowwhatI’mthinking.YouknowwhatIwant.”

“ButI’mdatingyourfriend.”Shealmostmoaned,turningmeonevenmore.Iwonderedhow

loudlyshewouldscreamwhenIslammedintoher.

“Myfriend?”Irepeatedafterherandalmostlaughedatherwords.Soherhesitancywasn’t

becausesheknewthetruth.Interesting.Iknewnowwasnotthetimetotellhereverythingshedidn’t

know.

“Ithinkyou’renotsuchagoodfriendtoPierceforcomingontomesomuch.”Shepushedher

handsagainstmychestasifshewantedtopushmeaway,buttherewasnoforcetohermovement.I

almostlaughed,butthiswastooseriousofamoment.Iwantedtoknowwhatwasgoingthroughher

head.Iwantedtoknowexactlywhatshewasthinkingandwhatherhesitancieswere.Didshecraveme

asmuchasIwascravingher?

“IguessI’mnot.”Itookastepclosertoherandthistimeourbodieswerebrushingagainsteach

other.“Ithinkwebothknowthatalready.”Igrabbedherhandsandpulledthemtotheside,entwining

themwithmine.

“Sowhyareyoustillhere?”shesaid,hereyeswideningasIpushedmyfaceclosertohers.

“Becausewebothknowwhatwewant,”Isaid,mylipspressingdownonherssoftly.Herlips

trembledbeneathmine,butshekissedmeback,eventhoughitwasalittlehesitantly.Ideepenedthe

kissandpulledherintome,hard.Herarmscreptaroundmyneckandshestartedplayingwithmy

hair.Itookthatasaninvitationtodeepenthekissfurtherandpushedmytongueintohermouthand

immediatelystartedsuckingonhertongue.Shetastedsweetandfaintlyofvodka.Herbodywaswarm

againstmineandherbreastsfeltsoftagainstthehardnessofmychest.Herfingersranacrossmy

headandscratchedagainstmyshornheadandIreacheddownandgrabbedherass,squeezedandthen

pushedherinevenfarthertowardsme,soshecouldseeexactlywhatshewasdoingtome.

ShegaspedloudlyasIgyratedmyhardnessagainsther.

“Wrapyourlegsaroundmywaist,”Iurgedher,wantingtofeelherclosertome,wantingtobe

insideofherasintimatelyaspossible.

“No.”Sheshookherhead,thoughshedidn’tpullawayfromme.

“Ineedtobeinsideofyou,Jess.”

“Evan…”shemumbledagainstmylips.Herfingerswerenowonmyback,runningupanddown,

drivingmecrazy.

“Jess,please.”

“Wecan’tdothis,Evan.”

“Youknowyouwantme.Youdon’twantPierce.Let’sbereal.”

“Evan,thisisn’tright.”Shegroanedasmyrighthandcreptuptoherbreastandsqueezed,my

fingertipsrunningacrosshernipple,pinchinggentlyandthenalittlerougher.Ienjoyedthewayshe

moanedandreactedtomytouch.Herbodyarchedtowardsmeasherbreastpushedintomyhand,

wantingtobecaressedfurther.

“Ifitisn’tright,whydoesitfeelsogood?”ImumbledasIkissedherneckandcollarbone.She

moanedinpleasure,andapartofmewantedtoreachdowntoseeifshewaswet,butIdidn’twantto

scareherandmovetoofast.Thoughittookeverythinginmenottoreachdownandtouchher,rub

her,enterherwithmyfingers.

“Evan,weshouldn’t.”Shesighedasherfingersdugintomyback.“WhatifPiercewakesup?”

“Hewon’t,”Isaid,allreasonandrationalthoughtgonefrommymind.

“Thisjustdoesn’tseemsafe,”shesaidwithasigh,andIlookedupatherface.

“Doyouwantmetostop?”Iaskedher,pullingherincloser.

“Yes.No.”Shemoaned.“Idon’tevenknow.”

“Youdon’tknow?”Isteppedbackfromher,disappointed.Iwantedhertocometomeincertainty,

evenifshewasworriedaboutPierce.WecouldworryaboutPiercelater.Rightnow,Ineededtoknow

shewantedme.Andifshewantedme,shehadtobeonehundredpercentconfidentinthatfact.Iwas

allaboutgamesandteasing,butifweweregoingtobeintimate,itwasgoingtomeansomething

reallyspecial.Oratleast,ifitdidn’tmeansomethingreallyspecial,itwasgoingtobesomethingthat

webothdidwithnoregrets.

“Idon’tknow,”shesaidsoftly,bitingdownonherlowerlipnervously.

“Liar,”Isaidwithamutter.Ineededhertoadmitshewantedthis—me—asbadlyasIwantedher.I

neededhertoadmitit.Iwasn’tsurewhyitmatteredsomuchtome.Iwasn’tsurewhatIwasdoing.

AllIknewwasIreallywantedher.AllIknewwasthatthismomentmattered.Thiswasthemakeand

breakmomentforme.Forus.Hellbedamned.IwantedJess.AndIneededtoknowthatshewanted

measwell.Ineededtoknowthiswasforreal.Ineededtoknowwehadsomesortofconnectionhere.

Iwasn’tsurewhyitwassoimportanttome.Itjustwas.

“Whatdoyouwantfromme,Evan?”Shegroanedandlookedintomyeyes,herslooking

confusedandfulloflust.“Idon’tevenunderstandwhatisgoingonhere.”

“Doestherehavetobeanythinggoingonhere?”Iaskedherwithafrown.“Whatdoyouwantme

tosay?”

“Idon’tknowwhatIwantyoutosay.Ijustdon’tthinkthisisagoodidea.”

“Whenisanythingagoodidea?”Ilookedather,tryingtofigureoutexactlywhatitwasshe

wantedmetosay.Whatdidsheexpectfromme?

“Ijustthinkifwedothis,we’llbecomplicitinsomethingreallyshady.”Shebitherlowerlip

againandIleanedoverandsuckedonit.

“Atleastwewillhavebeencomplicitinsomethingreallygood,”IsaidasIkissedherdeeplyand

pulledherintome.

“Evan…”Shegroaned,kissingmebackhard,herfingernailsdiggingintomyback.

“Jess,”Imutteredasmytongueenteredhermouthandshesuckedoniteagerly,pushingher

breastsintomychest,nolongerholdingback.“Oh,Jess,”Isaidasshewantonlyranherhandsdown

mybackandtomyassandsqueezed.“Youdowantme,don’tyou?”

“Stoptalking.”ShemoanedandItookthatasmyopeningtocontinueandacceleratethepace

betweenus.Iliftedherupandplacedheronthecountertop,spreadingherlegsandleaninginand

thenpullingherforwardsoherlegswerewrappedaroundmywaist.Ikissedhernoseandthenher

foreheadbeforeheadingbackdowntoherlipsandkissingthemgently.NowthatIknewshe

definitelywantedme,Iwantedtogoslowly,Iwantedtoconcentrateonherpleasure,makesurethis

wasamomentsheneverforgot.Iwantedtomakesuresheknewthismomentwasspecialandnot

sordid.IhadtomakeitaperfectmomentbecauseIknewtheaftermathwasgoingtobecrazy.

Absolutelycrazy.

“Letmetakeyoutomyroom.”IgroanedasIfeltmyselfabouttolosecontrol.IfIwasn’tcareful,

I’dbetakingherhereinthekitchenandIcertainlydidn’twanttodothat.NotthatIwouldn’tloveto

takeherrighthereandnow.Itdidseemlikeanappropriateplace,seeingasthefirsttimeI’dseenher

wasinthisveryroom.I’dlovetostriphernakedandtakeherrightnow,butIcouldn’triskit.Not

hereandnow.

“Shouldwebedoingthis?”ShemoanedasIpickedherupandcarriedherinmyarms,walkingas

quicklyasIcouldbeforeshecouldchangehermind.

“Tellmenow,wouldyouratherthisbemeorPierce?”Iaskedherhuskily,alreadyknowingin

myheartwhatshewasgoingtosay.

“Youknowtheanswertothat,”shesaidassheheldontome.

“Tellme,”IsaidasIcarriedherintothebedroom.“Tellmethatyouwantme.”

“Iwantyou.Iwantyoumorethanyouknow.”ShegroanedasIdroppedherontothebedandthen

shutthedoorbeforereturningtoher.

“Good,”Igrunted.“Now,Icanteachyouallthethingsyou’vewantedtolearnbutneverwereable

to.”

“Excuseme?”Sheblinkedupatme,herbodyshakingasshewrithedaroundonthebed.

“You’reexcused.”IgrinnedasIpulledoffmyboxershortsandstoodtherenakedinfrontofher.I

watchedasshelookeddownatmyhardnessandgasped,hereyeswideningasshetookinthesizeof

mymember.Ihidasmile,knowingshewasimpressedbyit.Shewasgoingtobeevenmore

impressedwhenIenteredher.Icouldn’twaittohearherscreamsandgaspsassheorgasmed,butshe

wasgoingtohavetobequietaswecouldn’taffordtowakeupPierceorLinda.

“You’reabadboy,Evan.”

“I’mbadtothebone.”IgrowledasIgotdownonthebednexttoherandstartedkissingherneck.

“I’msobadthatI’mgoingtodevouryourightnow,”Isaid,myhandsgrabbinghernightieand

pullingituptoripitoffherbody.IstareddownathernakednessandfeltmyselfgrowingharderasI

glancedatherbodytremblingbeneathmytouch.

“Evan,Idon’tknowifweshould...”HervoicetrailedoffandshegaspedasIbentdownandkissed

alongherthighs.

“Youdon’tknowifweshouldwhat?”Ilookedupatherandgrinned.

“What?”Hereyesflutteredasshelookeddownatme.HerbreastswereheavingandIreachedup

andplayedwithhernipples,enjoyingthewayhereyesdilatedandherbreathinggrewheavierasI

teasedher.

“Youdon’tknowifweshouldwhat?”Isaidagain,andbentdownandlickedmytonguebetween

herlegsandlightlysuckedonherbud.

“Evan…”ShemoanedandIcouldfeelhergrowingwetter.

“That’smyname.”Ilickedagainandthenmovedaway.“Yes?”

“Evan,stopplayingaround.”ShemoanedagainandIcouldseehereyesbeggingmetocontinue

playingwithher.

“Stopplayingaround?”Ifrowned.“Ithoughtyoujustsaidyoudon’tknowifweshould—”

“Oh,shutup.”Shegroanedandpushedmyheadbackdownbetweenherlegs.

“Oh,sonowyouwantme.”Ilaughed,lovinghowaggressiveshewasbeing.Iknewshehaditin

her.

“Youwantme.”ShemoanedandIheardherwhimperingasIstuckmytongueinsideofherand

startedpleasuringher.HerbodyconvulsedbeneathmeasIfuckedherwithmytongueandIheldthe

sidesofherhipsasIwentasdeepasIcould.MycockgrewharderandharderandallIwantedwasto

enterherandfeelherontopofme,ridingtheshitoutofme.Iwantedtowatchherbreastsbouncing

upanddownandthenI’dreachupandsuckonhernipplesandpullherhairandwatchherfacego

wideinsurpriseasIgaveherthebiggestandbestorgasmofherlife.

“Youknowit,”ImutteredasIfelthercomingonmyface.IlappedupherjuiceseagerlyandthenI

reachedovertothenightstandandgrabbedacondomfromthedrawer,rippedoffthewrapper

quicklyandsliditontomycock.Iloweredmyselfdown,lookedintoJess’seagerface.Shegavemea

quicksmileandnodandIenteredherswiftly,lovingthefeelingofherpussyasittightenedaround

mycock.ShemoanedandwiggledbeneathmeasIslidinandoutofherandIgroanedasshe

tightenedherlegsaroundmywaist.Hotdamn,thisgirlknewexactlyhowtogetmegoing.Ileaned

downandkissedherasIcontinuedthrustingintoher,mytongueenteringhermouthaseagerlyasmy

cockwasenteringher.Sheranherfingersdownmyback,hernailsscratchingasshedugintomy

skin.Iwelcomedtherawpassionofourbodiesmeetingandbecomingintimate.Itonlyseemedto

makesensethatwewouldbeprimalandsearchinginourfirstunion.Ipulledoutofherandflipped

heroverontoherkneessoIcouldslideintoherdoggy-styleandfuckherfastandfurious.Ifeltlike

I’dbeenwaitingforforevertohaveherandasshescreamedintothepillow,herassuphigh,Ifelt

myselfcomingintoherhardandfastwithnootherthoughtsonmymindaboutwhatwasgoingto

happennext.IcertainlyhadnoguiltaboutbetrayingPierce.Thatshouldhavetoldmethenandthere

thatIwasabadpersonandthatthiswasabadsituationtobein,butallIcouldthinkaboutwashow

Jess’sbodyfeltasgoodasIthoughtitwouldandthatshewasadrugIwouldlovetooverdoseon.

C H A P T E R 1 2

ess

DAMN

,there'sawarmbodypressingintomefrombehind.And—whoa—Ithinkthatwhoever ’s

behindmeisveryhappyI'mawake,ifthehardnesspushingintomybuttisanyindication.Shit,my

eyesareblinkingrapidlyasIthinkbacktothepreviousnight.Toomanycocktails.Andthenthose

glassesofwine.Andthetwobeers.WhatwasIthinking?Oh,shit.Ifrozeasmymindimmediately

rememberedhimslidingintome,deepandhard.Icanpicturehisintenseeyes,hisloudgrowlsashe'd

slammedintome.Oh,fuck,whathadIdone?

"Morning,Jess,"hewhisperedintomyearashishandslidaroundtograbmybreast."Readyfor

roundtwo?"HepinchedmynippleandImoanedandclosedmyeyes.Iwasahorribleperson.I

couldn'tbelieveIwashereinbedwithhim.Icouldn'tbelievewe'dhadsex.Shit,Icouldn'tbelievewe

weregoingtohavesexagain.Iwasabad,badgirlforhavingsleptwithhim.Butfuckit,whatwasthe

pointofresistingroundtwowhentherehadalreadybeenaroundone?I'dpayformysinslater.What

wasdonewasdone.We'dalreadycrossedthelineofnoreturn.

“Isaidgoodmorning,Jess,”hesaidashenibbledonmyearlobe,andIsquealedslightlyasI

turnedtolookathim.

“Morning,Evan,”Isaidwithasmallandslightlyembarrassedsmile.“Andit’snotreallyagood

morning,isit?IfI’minyourbed,PiercemustbewonderingwhereIam.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip

asIthoughtaboutPierce.“Oh,myGod,whatdidwedo?”

“Youmeanyouforgotalready?”Hisfingersslidbetweenmylegsasheteasedme.

“No,”ImoanedasIstartedtogrowwet.“Evan,”ImoanedhisnameoutloudasIclosedmyeyes

andthenstartedtoshiftawayfromhim.“Weneedtostop.Ineedtoleavethisbednowbeforeyougo

anyfurther.”

“ButIwanttogoalotfurther.”Hegrunted.“Ihavemanymorethingstoshowyou.”

“Evan.”IgroanedandthenfrozeasIheardanoiseoutsidethedoor.Forsomereasonmygut

instinctkickedinandIsliddownunderthecoversquicklyasIheardthedooropening.

“Evan?”IheardLinda’svoiceinthedoorwayandIwonderedwhatshewasdoingthereandifshe

wastryingtohookupwithherson’sfriend.WaseveryonePierceknewshady?

“Morning,Linda,”hesaidwithwhatsoundedlikeanexasperatedvoice.“HowcanIhelpyou?”

“IthoughtIheardsomenoises,”shesaidsuspiciously.“Ijustwantedtomakesureyouwere

okay.”

“I’mfine,”hesaidstiffly.“I’mstillinbed.”

“That,Icansee.SoisPierce,”shesaidsoftly.“I’mgladyouguysaregettingalongagain.”

“Yes,soamI,”Evansaid,andmyheadstartedspinning.Whyhadtheyfallenoutpreviously?Had

EvansleptwithanotheroneofPierce’sgirlfriends?OrhadPiercemaybesleptwithoneofEvan’s

girlfriends?Wasthisrevenge?WasthatwhyEvanhadcomeafterme?Icouldfeelmynakedbody

startingtoshakeasIthoughtofthatpossibility.

“He’smissedhisdad.”

“Iknow,”Evansaid.AndIfrowned,wonderingwhatthathadtodowithEvan.WherewasPierce’s

dadandwhywashemissinghim?Iwasgenuinelycurious,butwasn’tsureI’deverfindoutthe

answertothatquestion,seeingasIwasplanningonbreakingupwithPierceassoonaspossible.I

didn’twantPiercetothinkthatwehadanythingspecialoranythingthatwasgoingtolastpastthis

moment.IfelttremendouslyguiltyforhavingsleptwithEvan,butIthinkwehadbothknownlast

nightthatwewantedeachotherandboyhaditbeenworthit.He’dbeendynamiteinbed.Iwasn’tsure

whatwasgoingtohappenbetweenusnow,butIalmostdidn’tcare.Iwaswillingtogowiththeflow

andseewhathappened.

“I’vemissedyoutoo,”Lindasaid,andIfroze.Whatwasshetalkingabout?Evanhadsleptwith

Pierce’smomaswell?Whatwasgoingonhere?

“Linda,let’snotgetintothis.Youknowweweren’trightforeachother.”

“Shouldn’tPiercehavehisparentstogetheragain?”Hisparents?What?MyheartstoppedandI

couldfeelmylipstrembling.Oh,myGod,whatwasgoingon?EvanwasPierce’s...

“Hey,what’sgoingon,Mom?”Pierce’svoicereverberatedintotheroomandIcouldfeelmy

bodyshakingevenmore.Icouldfeelmyfaceflushingandmywholebodygrowinghot.

“Justtalking.”

“Morning,Evan,”Piercesaid,andIfrowned.

“Whydoyouinsistoncallinghim,Evan?”Lindasaidwithanannoyedtone.“Whycan’tyoujust

callhimDad?”

“It’sfine,”EvansaiddrylyandIcouldfeelmyeyeswellingupwithtearsasmybodygreweven

hotter.Whatthehellwasgoingonhere?EvanwasPierce’sdad?Thismadethewholethingeven

morefuckedup.

Itoldyouthatitwasgoingtogetcrazy.ItoldyouthatIdidsomethingbad.Youjustdidn’tknow

howbaditwas,didyou?Whosleepswiththeirboyfriend’sdad?Thenightoftheirbirthdayparty?

Whohidesinbedwithsaiddadastheboyfriendandmomhaveaconversationwithhim?Iwasgoing

tohellonaone-wayticketandthefirewasalreadysingingmyskin.ThenIfeltEvan’shandreaching

downtotouchmeandIknewhewasgoingonthatsametrainridetohell.Ibitdownonmylowerlip

tostopmyselffromgasping.ThiswastheabsoluteworstpositionIhadeverbeenininmylifeandI

wasn’tsurehowIwasgoingtogetoveritoroutofit.

“Mom,youknowI’vebeencallinghimEvansinceIwasaboutthirteenyearsold.”Piercesounded

slightlyexasperated.“You’veneverthoughtitwasabigdealbefore.”

“Well,IjustthinkthatnowyoushouldcallhimDad.”Lindasoundedannoyed.“It’sweirdforyou

tocallyourdadbyhisfirstname.Icertainlywouldn’tallowforyoutocallmeLinda.”

“Idon’tdothatthough,doI,Mom?”PierceteasedhismomandIbitdownonmylowerlip,

hopingtheywouldleavetheroomsoon.Thiscouldreallyturnintoabiggermessthanitalreadywas

andIwasn’tsurewhatwouldhappeniftheyrealizedIwasinbedwithEvanandthatwewerenaked.

MybodystartedtotingleasIrememberedwhatithadfeltliketofeelhiminsideofme.Oh,mygosh,

I’dneverhadsexthatgoodbeforeinmylife.Hiscockhadbeenlikemagic,seemingtohitmyG-spot

everysingletimeheenteredmeandhe’dknownjustwhentorubmyclit,sothatIcamewithsuch

forcethatIthoughtmywholebodywasgoingtoexplodeinorgasm.Iwasshiveringjustthinking

aboutit.I’mnotsurewhatcameovermeinthatinstant,butIreachedmyhanddowntograbhiscock

andsqueeze.IfelthisbodystiffeningatmytouchandIalmostlaughedashegruntedslightly.Ibethe

wasn’tthinkingeverythingwassofunnynow.ImovedmyhandsupanddownhisshaftandIfelthis

handgrabbingontomywristtightly,tryingtostopme.Iwantedsobadlytopushhishandoffme,but

Iknewthatwouldn’tbesmart.I’dprobablyendupfallingoutofthebedandthenI’dprobablybe

kickedoutoftheapartment.Nakedandembarrassed.Myfacewasgrowinghotjustthinkingaboutit.

Thatwouldbethewalkofshametoendallwalksofshame.Oh,God,whathadIdone?Suddenlythe

fullrealizationofwhatI’dparticipatedinduringthenight(well,reallythemorningbefore)came

thunderingdownonmelikeatonofbricks.AndIknewthatIwasgoingtopayforitinonewayor

another.

C H A P T E R 1 3

ess

NOW

YOU

knowmydirtylittlesecret.Youmightormightnotbejudgingmerightnow.Youmight

evenbethinkingit’snotabigdeal.Imean,it’snotlikeIwasthatintoPierceandit’snotlikehewasa

PrinceCharming,right?Wedidn’tevenreallyhaveagreatrelationship.Anditwasn’treallymyfault

thatIsleptwithhisdad.Ididn’tevenknowthatwashisdadatthetime.Imean,upuntilthatpoint,I

wasprettymuchaninnocent.Okay,maybethat’sabitofastretch.MaybeIwasn’texactlyaninnocent.

MaybeIwasstillprettybad.Andunfortunately,Igotworse.Canyoubelievethat?Maybenot.Maybe

yes.I’msureyouwanttoknowhowitcouldhavegottenworse.IshouldhavejustleftPierce’splace

thatdayandneverlookedback.

Iknowwhatyou’rethinking.Iknowyou’rejudgingme.Thinkingthisdidn’thavetogetworse.

ThinkingthatIshouldhavejustleft.Imean,whydidn’tI?Ihonestlydon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhat

cameoverme.Ihavenogoodreasonfornotleavingrightaway.Maybeit’sbecauseIwantedtomake

surethatthiswasn’tjustabooty-callforEvan.MaybeIwantedtomakesurehefeltasnaughtyand

guiltyasIdid?I’mnotreallysure.Idon’thaveagoodanswer.WhenIlookbackateverything,I

reallythinkthatIshouldhavejustdartedoutofthebedandoutoftheroomasquicklyaspossible.

That’swhatasmartgirlwouldhavedone.Butyeah,I’mnotsmart.I’mnotsmartatall.I’m

embarrassedtoadmitthatafterLindaandPierceclosedthedoorthatmorning,IhadsexwithEvan

onceagain.Yes,andhehadtokeephishandovermymouthtostopmefromscreamingloudly

becauseheknewaswellasIdidthatthenoisesIwasmakingwereboundtobringpeoplerunningto

theroomasquicklyaspossible.

IsnuckoutofEvan’sroomandintothebathroomatabout9a.m.andrantheshowerrightaway.

Hedidn’tevenstopme,whichmademefeelslightlyupset,butItoldmyselfthatheknewthattime

wasoftheessenceandwedidn’treallyhavetimetotalkaboutwhathadhappened.Ihoppedintothe

showerandscrubbedmybodyhard.ItwasmyhopethatPiercewouldthinkIhadbeenintheshower

theentiremorning,thoughIknewitwasalongshot.Ifhepusheditandasked,Iwouldtellhimthat

I’dbeenscaredIwasgoingtothrowup,soIhadsatbythetoiletbowl.Gross,Iknow,butthatwas

reallyoneofmyonlyoptionsinregardstowhatIcouldhopehewouldbelieve.It’snotlikeIcould

tellhimI’dbeenhookingupwithhisdad.Oh,yeah,thatwouldgodownwell.Inallhonesty,itworked

outwellforme.Icameoutoftheshowerasheandhismomweretalkingaboutbreakfastandneither

oneofthemlookedsuspiciousorweirdedout.

“Morning,Jess.Sleepwell?”PiercecameforwardandgavemeakissonthecheekandIjust

noddedathim,relieffillingmethathedidn’tseemsuspiciousofmeandwhereI’dbeenallmorning.

“Oh,yeah,great.”InoddedwithasmallsmileandlookedatLindatoseeifshewaslookingatme

funny.However,shewasbeamingatmeandIcouldtellbytheexpressioninhereyesthatshestill

lovedmeasmuchasshehadthedaybefore.“Whataboutthetwoofyou?”

“Yeah,Isleptgreat.SorryIcrashedlastnight.”Hemadeaface.“Seemslikeitwouldhavebeena

reallyspecialnight.”

“Don’tworryaboutit,”Isaidwithasmallsmile,thankingGodhehadconkedoutrightaway.“I

justhopeyouhadagreatnightandenjoyedyourbirthdayparty.”

“Oh,yeah,itwasgreat.”Henodded.“DidAlyssahavefun?”heaskedmeandwinked,andIsmiled

backathimweakly.

“Yeah,Ithinkso.”Inodded.“Actually,IthinkIneedtogohomenowandcheckonher.”I

pretendedtolooksad,thoughIwashopinghewouldbuymyexcusetoleave.

“Oh,no.”Hemadeaface.“IwashopingwecouldgotobreakfastwithMomandDad.”

“Yousaid‘Dad.’”Ilookedathiminsurpriseandannoyance.Whywasthisthefirsttimehewould

choosetocallEvan‘Dad’?

“Yeah,MomprefersmetocallhimDadandnotEvan.”Helaughed.“SoI’mtryingtorespecther

wishes,atleastfornow.”

“That’swhyyou’remyfavoriteson.”Lindabeamedathiminapproval.

“That’sbecauseI’myouronlyson.”Helaughedandleanedoverandgaveherakissonthecheek.

“Areyousureyoucan’tcometobreakfastwithusthismorning?”Helookedatmeandpouted.I

lookedbackathimnervously,wonderingifhewouldbeabletotellthatI’dhadsexthatmorningjust

bylookingatme.

“IreallywishIcould,”Isaid,tryingtopretendIwasreallyupset.ThoughIwasjustcounting

downtheminutesinmyheaduntilIcouldleavetheapartment.

“Youreallywishyoucouldwhat?”Evanwalkedoutofthebedroomandlookedrightatmeand

gavemeawinkashelookedmybodyupanddown.Icouldfeeltheheatrisingupmybodyashe

staredatmeasifhewantedtoeatme.AndIhopedthathecouldsensethatIwantedtobeeatinghimas

well.Itfeltoddlytantalizingjusttobestandingherewithhimandtheothers,inbroaddaylight,

knowingwhatwe’djustbeendoingacoupleofminutesago.

“GotobrunchwithPierceandLinda,”Isaid,wonderingifhewouldgetjealousorupset.Hoping

hewouldlookpissed.

“Oh,awesome.I’mhungrymyself.”HegrinnedatmeandthenlookedatPierceandLinda.

“Whereareyouguysthinkingofgoing?”

Myjawnearlydroppedopenathiswords.Hewasseriouslyaskingthemwheretheyweregoing?

Withoutacareintheworld.Didhereallythinkthatwascool?Didhenotcarethatwehadjustslept

togetherandnearlybeencaught?

“Sadyoucan’tmakeit,Jess,butmaybelater.”

“Maybelater,what?”Iaskedhimwithafrown.

“Maybewe’llseeyoulater.Ifyouwanttocome...”HisvoicetrailedoffandIstaredathimwitha

shockedexpression.Icouldn’tbelievehehadjustsaidthattome,infrontofeveryone.Whatwasup

withtheinnuendos?Didhewanteveryonetoknow?Didhefeelnoshame?Whatsoever?

“Comewhere?”Iaskedhimwithpursedlips.

“Whereveryouwant.”HelaughedandIcouldseePierceandLindalookingatuscuriously.My

faceflushedredandIwassureitwasobviouswehadslepttogetherandhadsomethinggoingon.

“Well,youguyscanletmeknowwhatyou’reuptolaterthisevening,”Isaidwithasmallsmile

andthenIlookedatPierceandgavehimahugesmile.“Ihopeyouhadagreatbirthdayparty.”

“Itwasfantastic.”Henodded.“Ihadareallygreattime.Iwassogladthatyouwereherewithme.

Itmeantalottome.”

“I’msoglad.”Ireachedoverandgavehimakissonthecheek.“YoudeservedagreatdayandI

thinkthatyourmomisawesome.”IlookedoveratLinda.“Thanksforbeingsoawesome.”

“No,thankyou.”Shebeamedatme.“You’vebeenwonderful.Anabsolutedelight.Perfectionina

bottle.”

“Well,thanks,”Isaidwithasmallsmile,wonderingwhyshewaslayingitonsostrong.Itwasn’t

likeshereallyknewmethatwellanditwasn’tlikePierceandIwerethatclose.Orthatwehadbeen

datingforasuperlongtime.It’snotlikewehadanysortoflongrelationship.Everythingaboutthis

familywasalittleoffandIjustcouldn’tunderstandwhytheyallseemedtohavetheseweirdreactions

tothingsthatweresosmall.Imean,comeonnow,PierceandIbarelyhadanything.Whywas

everyoneactinglikeweweresoulmatesorsomething?ItcouldhavebeenflatteringifIwasreally

interestedinhimlikethat,butIjustwasn’t.AndsleepingwithEvanhadreallycomplicated

everything;well,notreally.Iwasn’tevensureifithadmeantanythingtohimorifhewantedtosee

meagain.Orifweweregoingtogoonarealdateorifhecaredaboutmeinanyway.Myheart

thuddedslightlyasIthoughtabouthimandIwonderedwhatI’ddone.Iwasaskank,thatIknew,but

hadIbeenaskankforagoodreason?WhatwasIgoingtogetfromthisandwasthereareasonwhy

everythingseemedsoweird?Ididn’thavetheanswersthen.Obviously.IfIhadknownexactlywhat

wasgoingonIwouldhaverunawayasquicklyaspossible.Atleastthat’swhatItellmyself.IfI’d

knownexactlywhatwasbeingplanned.IfI’dknownthewholetruthabouttheentiresituation,I’dlike

tothinkIwouldhavedonethesmartthingandjustbackedthehellawayfromthewholebunchof

them,butwhoreallyknows?IthinkI’vealreadyproventhatI’mnotthesmartesttoolinthetoolbox

oratleastIwaswillingtopretendthatIdidn’tseethingsclearly.I’mnotsurewhoIthoughtIwas

fooling.I’mnotsurewhyIthoughtIwasgoingtogetawayscot-freewithnoremorseandno

heartache.Lifeneverworkslikethatanditcertainlydidn’tworklikethatforme.

C H A P T E R 1 4

ess

“Sowhathappenedlastnight?”AlyssapracticallyjumpedonmeasIwalkedthroughthe

frontdoor,ahugegrinonherface.

“Howdoyouknowsomethinghappened?”Iaskedhercuriously,wonderingifsomehowword

hadgottenaroundtownthatIwastheslutwhohadsleptwithmyboyfriend’sfatherathisbirthday

party.

“BecauseIjustknow.”Alyssagrinnedatmeandgrabbedmyhands.“Nowtellmeeverything.”

“There’snothingtotell,”Isaidwithanembarrassedlookonmyface.“Honestly.”

“Yeah,right.Yousmellofsex.”

“What?”Ialmostscreamed.“Areyoujoking?”

“DoIlooklikeI’mjoking?”Shelaughedandthenwinked.“But,no,youdon’tsmellofsex,Jess.

ButI’mguessingyoudidgetlaid.”

“You’rehorrible.”Igroaned.“IhadashowerthismorningsoIknewitwasunlikelythatIsmelled

likesex.”

“Didyoushowerwithanyone?”

“No,why?”Ilookedathercuriouslyandsheslappedherhandagainsthermouth.

“What?”Iaskedher,myeyesnarrowed.

“YoutotallysleptwithEvan,didn’tyou?”Hereyeswerewide.

“Howdoyouknowthat?”

“BecauseifithadbeenPierce,youguyswouldhaveshoweredtogetheranditwouldn’thavebeen

abigdealformetohaveaskedyouthatquestion.”

“Uhm,smart,”Isaid,andgrinnedather.“Butyes,IdidsleepwithEvananditwasprettydarn

amazing.”

“Howamazingisamazing?”sheaskedwithawink.

“Holdup.”Ilookedathercuriously.“Iwanttoknowwhatwentdownwithyoufirst.”

“Whatdoyouthink?”Shewinkedatme.

“Youguyshadsex?”

“Duh.”Shelaughed.“Inthekitchen,onthecouch,inthelivingroom,intheshower.”

“Whoa,what?”Igasped.“Pleasedon’tsayonmybedaswell.”

“Iwouldneverdoitinyourbed,Jess.”Shelaughed.“Unlessyouexpresslyaskedmeto.”

“Iwouldneverexpresslyaskyoutodothat.”Irolledmyeyesather.

“Thenyouneverhavetoworry.”Shelaughedagain.“Now,enoughaboutme,tellmewhatwent

downwithyouandEvan.”Sheshookherhead.“You’resobad.Ican’tbelieveyousleptwithPierce’s

friend.”

Igroanedatherwords.“Oh,shit,youdon’tevenknowthehalfofit,”Isaidandmadeafaceather

beforeburrowingmyfaceinmyhands.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Shenarrowedhereyes.

“EvanisnotjustPierce’sfriend.”

“Oh,myGod,”sheshouted.“Theyweren’tlovers,werethey?”

“What?”Iblinkedather.“No,thatwouldbegross.”

“Youneedtobemoreopen-minded,Jess.”AlyssawinkedatmeandIgroanedagain.

“Listen,you’renotevengoingtobelievethis.”Ipausedfordramaticeffect.

“Oh,thissoundslikeit’sgoingtobejuicy.”Sheclappedherhandsexcitedly.“Tellme,tellme.”

“So,PierceandEvanaremorethanfriends.”Ipauseddramaticallyagain.

“Yeah,yousaidthat.”Shenodded.“Continue.”

“Evanis….”Istoppedandpretendedtocollapseontothefloor.

“Notawoman?”Alyssa’seyeswidened.“Donottellmethatthatsexybeastofamanisreallya

woman.”

“Alyssa…”Irolledmyeyesather.“Really?YouthinkthatEvanusedtobeawoman?Areyou

freakingjoking?”

“Idon’tknow.”Sheshruggedandlaughed.“I’mnotamindreader.Youshouldjusttellme.”

“I’mtryingto,”Isaid,feelingexasperatedandoverlydramatic.

“Sojustdoit,then.”

“EvanisPierce'sdad,”IsaidandstaredatAlyssa’sface.ItwouldhavebeencomicalifIwasn’tso

investedinthesituation.

“He’swhat?”Alyssa’sjawdroppedandhereyespoppedopen.“He’swhat?”

“Youheardmecorrectly,”Isaidandlaughed.“EvanisPierce’sdad.”

“Oh,myGod,yousleptwithyourboyfriend’sdad?”Hervoicewasinawe.“Youreallyarea

slut.”

“Alyssa…”

“Jess?”shemimickedme.“That’scrazy.Absolutelycrazy.Ican’tbelieveit.”

“Areyoujudgingme?”Iaskedherindisbelief,myheartsinking.IfAlyssawasjudgingmeand

thinkingIwascrazyandshocking,thenIreallyhadoversteppedtheline.EventhoughIalreadyknew

that.IguessI’dkindabeenhopingthatAlyssawouldbetheonepersonwhowouldn’tjudgeme.IfI

couldn’tcountonhertomakemefeelbetter,Icouldn’tcountonanyone.

“Ofcoursenot.”Shestartedlaughing.“You’remybloodyheroandit’snotasifyouknewthat

washisdad.”

“Ihadnoclue.Notuntilthismorning,”Isaidandgroaned.“I’mgoingtogotohell.”

“Nah,it’snotlikehe’syourhusband.YoubarelyknowPierce.”Alyssashookherhead.“You’re

fine.”

“I’msonotfine.I’mahorrible,creepy,weirdo.”

“Nah,it’snotlikeyou’vebeenwithbothofthemandevenifyouhad,that’snotevenabigdeal.

Evanistheonlydouchebaginthissituation.”

“Imean,that’strue.”Isighed.Hereallywasadouchebag.Agoodlover,butanawfulguy.Imean,

whosleptwiththeirson’sgirlfriend?Thatwassoshady.Hehadn’tcaredatall.He’dbeen

inappropriatefromthebeginning,whichmademewonderwhyhehadbeeninappropriatefromthe

beginning.Itmadenosensetome.Whathadhebeentryingtoaccomplish?Andwhyhadhe

continuedtopursueandplaywithme?Whathadhewantedfromme?Hadhebeentestingme?Andif

so,whatwasthetest?Obviously,I’dfailedit,butwheredidwegofromhere?

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”Alyssatouchedmyarm.“Youtotallyjustspacedout.”

“I’mwonderingwhatI’mgoingtodonow?DoIseeEvanagain?Ishegoingtowanttoseemeor

wasIjustabootycall?”Imadeaface.“AndwhataboutPierce?”

“Whatabouthim?”

“DoItellhimthetruth?”

“Areyoujoking?”AlyssalookedatmelikeIwascrazy.“Whywouldyoutellhimanything?Just

ignorehim.”

“So…”Ilookedatherguiltilyandmyvoicetrailedoff.

“Sowhat?”Shefrownedatme.“Oh,myGod,Jess,whatdidyoudo?”

“Stopsayingthelord'snameinvain.”Imadeafaceather.

“Okay.”Sherolledhereyes.“Stopchangingthesubjectandtellmewhatyoudid.”

“WhosaidIdidanything”

“Jess,Iknowyoubetterthanyouknowyourself.Iknowyoudidsomething.Tellme.”

“Grr,”Irespondedandmadeaface.

“What’sgrr?”shesaid.

“Justgrr.”

“Justgrr?”

“ItoldhimI’dgotodinnerwithhim.”Imoaned.

“I’mguessingthatthe‘him’you’retalkingaboutisnotEvanbecauseIthinkyou’dbesmiling.”

Alyssalookedatmeexpectantly.

“Thatiscorrect.”Imadeaface.

“Letmegetthisstraight,”shesaidwithaslightfrown.“YousleptwithEvan,youfancyEvan,yet

youacceptedadinnerdatewithPierce.”

“Yeah.”Iwrinkledmynose.

“Areyououtofyourmind?”Shegavemeanotherlook,butthistimeshewasn’tsmiling.“Whyin

hellwouldyouacceptanotherdatewithPierce,whenyoudon’tevenlikehim?”

“BecauseIdidn’tknowwhattosay.”

“That’snotagoodreasontosayyes,Jess.”Shelookedannoyedwithme.“Whatthehellareyou

thinking?Youknowthiscanonlygobadlyforyou.”

“Well,Iwasputonthespot.”Imadeaface.“IfIsaidnoitwould’velookedsuspicious.Andhis

momwasthere.HowwasIgoingtodeclinehisinvitationinfrontofhismom?”

“Youcould’vesaidyouwerebusyandthatyou’dcallhimorsomething.Youcould’vesaid

anythingbutyes.”

“Yeah,Iknow.”Ijuststaredather.“Isuck.”

“Youdon’tsuck.”Sheshookherhead.“Youcanstillcancelthedate.Tellhimsomethingcame

up.”

“Yeah,Icandothat.”Ipaused.

“What’sthehesitancy,Jess?”

“Well,Idon’tknowwhenI’mgoingtoseeEvanagain.Wehaven’tmadeanyplansand,well—”

“Oh,mygosh.”Alyssacutmeoff.“You’reworriedyouwon’tseeEvanagainifyoudon’t

continuetodatePierce.”

“Well,kinda.”Imadeaface.Iknewitwashorrible.IfEvandidn’twanttoseemeagain,thenit

wasdegradingformetobechasinghim,andquitehurtfultoPiercetobegoingafterhim,knowing

thatIwasonlyinterestedincontinuingtoseehimbecauseIwantedtoseeEvan.

“Thatsoundshorrible,doesn’tit?”

“Jess,honestly,ifEvandoesn’twanttoseeyouagain,he’sanass.”Shepausedandgavemea

hesitantlook.

“What?”Iaskedexpectantly.

“Honestly,heseemslikehe’skindaanassanyway.”Shegavemealookandpaused.“Heknew

youweredatingPierceandhestillsleptwithyouandheknewthatPiercewashisson.Imean,what

sortofshittyfatherdoesthat?”

“Whatareyousaying?”

“I’msaying…”Andshelookedseriousforafewmoments.“Jess,I’msayingthatwhileI’mglad

youhadfunandagoodnight,I’mnotsureIwouldbewastingmytimetryingtoinvestinthis

friendshiporinanythingwithhim.”

“Why?”Ifelthurtatherwords.

“BecauseIdon’tthinkhehasanyplanstoinvestanythingwithyou.Imeanthisseemslikethisis

allfunandgamestohim.”Shemadeaface.“Inthissituation,howcouldanythingreallyprosperor

getbetter?”Shelookedserious.“Imean,he’sneveraskedyouonadate.He’sneverimpliedhewants

arelationshipwithyou.Hedidn’teventellyouhewasPierce’sdad.Seemstomehe’saselfishjerk

whowantedsexandthat’saboutallhewanted.”

“Soyouthinkit’sawasteoftimeformetotrytogettoknowhimbetter?”AsIsaidthewords,I

knewIwasbeingstupid.Itwasn’tasifEvanwaseventryingtogettoknowmebetter.Thatwasone

thingIhatedaboutbeingawoman:alwaysthinkingaboutsituationsandoutcomesthathavenothing

todowithrealityandwhat’sactuallygoingon.Imean,whydidIcareifIthoughtitwasawasteof

timetogettoknowhimbetterornot?Itwasn’tasifitwasevenanoptionatthismoment.Evanwasn’t

tryingtogettoknowmebetter.Iknewthat.Heknewthat.Yet,mybrain,heartandbodyweretryingto

convincemyselfofsomethingdifferent.Itoldyou,I’mnotinmyrightmind.Notatall.

“Jess,hasheaskedyouout?”sheaskedmeseriously.“Hashecaredaboutanythinginyourlife

asidefromteasingyouandmakingsexjokes?”

“Youknowtheanswertothat.”Istartedtofeelahollownessinsideofmeasmyheartfell.

Therealityofthesituationwashittingmelikeatonofbricks.Alyssawascorrect.Therewas

absolutelynothingthathadoccurredbetweenusthatwouldleadmetobelievethatEvanwas

interestedinabsolutelyanythingwithme.EvenwhenI’dleftthismorninghehadn’tsaidanything,

hadn’ttriedtosnatchmeawaytotalkandseewherewestood.Ifitwasn’tformesayingyesto

Pierce’sdinnerdate,therewasapossibilitythatI’dneverseeanyofthemagain.IswallowedhardasI

realizedI’dsleptwithamanwhoreallydidn’tgivearat’sassaboutme.Ithadseemedallfunand

exciting,inthemorning,buttherealityofthefactwasthatI’dbeennothingbutabootycalltoEvan.

Sometwo-bittrampwhohadopenedherlegseasilyandlethimtakewhathewantedwithouteven

havingbeentakenonadate.IwasanidiotandthefactthatIwasstillhopingEvanwouldbeinterested

insomethingmorethanI’dalreadygottenconfirmedthat.Hehadneverevenbeensupernicetome.

Somerudeconversationsdidn’tmeanmuchattheendoftheday.

C H A P T E R 1 5

ess

“S

WAS

THINKING

MAYBE

wecouldgoonarealdate?”Ispokeintothemirrorandmadeafaceatmy

reflection.Isoundedpathetic.“SoIwasthinkingthatperhapswecouldgoout,maybeonadate?”I

saidagainandtriedtogivemyselfasexysmile.Ugh,whywouldEvanwanttotakemeonadateafter

everythingthathadgonedownbetweenus?WhywasItryingtomakethissomethingthatitwasn’t?

“Somaybebeforewehavesexagain,youcouldactuallyspendsomemoneyonme?”Igroanedatthe

wordsandwalkedovertomybedandthenfelldownonthemattress.“Yousuck,Jess.”Imoanedout

loudandstaredattheceiling.AndIsuckedformultiplereasons.One,becauseIwashopinghewould

takemeonarealdate,andtwo,becauseIthoughtwe’dactuallyhavesexagain.Andthenthree,

becauseIhadadatewithPierceplannedforthatevening.

“Talkingtoyourselfagain?”Alyssawalkedpastmybedroomandlookedintomyroom,giving

measmallsmile.

“Again?”Imadeafaceather.“AreyoutryingtosayyouthinkI’mgoingcrazy?”

“You’velongbeencrazy,Jess.”Alyssawalkedintotheroomandsatdownnexttome.“Whatare

youmumblingonabout?”

“I’mjusttryingtothinkofawaytoconvinceEvantogoonadatewithme.”

“What?”AlyssasighedandIcouldtellshewastryingtostopherselffromsayingsomethingelse.

“Iknow,it’sstupid.I’mstupid.”Imadeafaceather.

“You’renotstupid.”Shepursedherlips.“Youjusthavebadtasteinmen.That’snotuniquetoyou.

Wealldo.”

“Yeah,thatmakesmefeelalotbetter.”Irolledmyeyesather.“Itjustsucks.”

“Yeah,itdoessuck,butyoucangetoverit,ifyoufocusandjustconcentrateonmovingon.”

“That’seasiersaidthandone,Alyssa.”Isighed.“IwouldifIcould.”

“Maybeyouneedtotryalittleharder.Idon’treallyfeellikeyou’vedonemuchtogetoverthis

situationandmoveon.”

“Whatwouldyouhavemedo?”Iwhined.“Wejusthadsexlastnight.Ilikehim.Iwanttoseehim

again.Iwanttoseeifperhapshemightlikeme.”Imadeaface,knowinghowstupidIsounded.Why

wouldhelikeme?Hedidn’tevenknowmeandIdidn’tthinkIwasthatgoodinthesack.

“Stoptalkingtotheasshole.”Hervoicegrewlouder.“Stoptalkingtohim.Stopsleepingwithhim.

Stopseeinghim.That’stheonlywaytomoveon.Youguyshookeduponce.It’snotlikehepromised

youthemoonoranything.Justdon’ttryandmakethissomethingthatitisn’t.”

“Iknow.Iknow.I’mtrying.”

“You’renottryingveryhard.”

“Alyssa,givemesomecredit,please.”Istaredather,paininmyeyes.“Thisisnoteasyforme.”

“Iknowit’snoteasy,butit’snotgoingtogeteasier.It’sonlygoingtogetharder.Andit’sonly

goingtogetmorepainful.Andthelongeryouwaittogetoutofthissituationtheharderitisgoingto

be.”

“That’swhatshesaid,”Ijoked,butAlyssadidn’tlaugh.“Ithoughtthatwasfunny,”Isaidandgave

herawrysmile.“Youdon’tagree?”

“Ifyou’reafifteen-year-oldboy,it’sfunny,otherwiseit’snot.”

“Haveasenseofhumor.”Imadeafaceather.

“Jess,Idon’twantyoutogetcaughtupinthisguy.”

“I’mnotcaughtup,”Iprotestedandthenmadeafaceatheragain.“AndIthoughtyouwerethe

onewhothoughtitwasexcitingformetobedatingEvan?”

“No,Ithoughtitwasexcitingthatyouwereflirtingwithtwodifferenthotguys.Ithoughtitwas

exhilaratingand,yeah,maybeIthoughtitwouldbecoolifyouhookedupwithoneofthem.AndI

didn’tcarewhichone,butnowIknowthatEvanisPierce’sdad.Itkindamakesitallalittleickier.I

mean,whatguysleepswithhisson’sgirlfriend?It’sjustshady.Andwhatareyoutalkingabout?

You’renotdatinghim.Youhadsexwithhim.That’sabigdifference.”

“Wedon’tknowhisreasons,though.”Iignoredmostofhercomments.“Maybeheforgothewas

Pierce’sdadorsomething…”Myvoicetrailedoff.“Maybehehadagoodreason...”

“Isthereanypossiblegoodreasonforhimtohookupwithyou?”Shegavemealook.“Imean,

let’sbereal,whatgoodreasoncouldhehave?”

“Idunno.”Isighed.“It’snotsomethingI’vebeenthinkingaboutalot.Ijustwanthimtolikeme.”

“Iknowyouwanthimtolikeyou,butmaybe,justmaybe,he’snotthesortofguythatyoushould

wanttobewith,evenifhedidlikeyou.”

“Sonowyou’resayingthatit’sawasteoftimeformetowanthimtolikeme?”

“Yes.”

“Whoa.”Ilookedatherfacecarefully.“Youreallydon’tlikehim?”

“Ithinkhe’sbadnewsandbadnewsmeansabrokenheartandhe’snotworthabrokenheart.”She

madeaface.“Trustme,he’snotworththetearshewillbring.”

“Whydoyousaythat?MaybeIjustwantsomefunaswell.”

“Maybe.”Shesighed.“Butwebothknowyou’renotthatkindofgirl.Youdon’twantfun.That’s

notwhatyou’reaboutinrelationships.”

“Notinrelationships,butthisisn’tarelationship.Asyoujustsaid,”Isaidandtriedtosmile,butI

couldn’tquitemakeit.IlookedatAlyssaandsighedmyself.

“Oh,myGod,whatamIdoing?Thisisalreadyahotmess.Ishouldjustmoveonwithmylifeand

pretendlikeInevermetEvanorPierce.”

“Iagree,”Alyssasaidwithanod.“Forgetthemboth.”

“I’mgoingtodoit.”Inodded.“Next!”

“Next!”Shereachedovertohugme.“Wannagoouttonight?Maybewecangoclubbing?Meet

somehotties?”

“Alyssa…”Ijuststaredather.“Really?That’swhatgotusinthispredicamentinthefirstplace.

Well,me,anyways.Idon’tsupposeyouhaveanyissuewithBraydon?”

“Yougotthatright.”Shelaughed.“Braydonisgoodforanightortwo,butI’mnotinterestedin

anythingmorethanthat.”

“Well,goodforyou.I’mgladyou’reabletomoveonsoquickly.”

“Iwouldn’tcallitmovingonsinceweneverhadanythinginthefirstplace.”

“Iknowwhatyou’regoingtosaynext.”Icouldfeelmystomachlurching.

“WhatamIgoingtosaynext?”Sheraisedaneyebrowatme.

“You’regoingtosayIdon’treallyhavemuchmovingontodo,either,becauseEvanandInever

hadanything.”Iblinked,tryingtoignorethewarmheatrisingthroughmystomach.Iwasstartingto

feelsickandmyskinwasfeelingclammy.IhadnoideawhyIwasfeelingsopoorlyoverthis.Itwas

truewhatIsaid.EvanandIdidn’thaveanysortofrelationship.We’dmetandflirtedandargued.I’d

calledhimanassandhe’dteasedmeand,yes,nowwe’dalsohadsex,butthatdidn’treallymean

anything.Itdidn’tmeanwewereconnectedinanyway.Itdidn’tmeanweweremeanttobetogetheror

thathelikedme.GuyshadsexeasilyandI’dlethim.Imean,itwasn’tlikeIhadn’twantedit,butreally

itdidn’tmeananything.Iwasprettysurehewasn’tforecastinganysortoffuturewithmeand,really,

whyshouldhe?Iwasnoonetohim.Infact,anysortofrelationshipwouldlikelybedoomedbasedon

howwekneweachother.Whatwouldwesayifweevergotmarried?‘Oh,Jesswasdatingmyson

whenwemetandwehookedupthenightofhisbirthdayparty.’Hiphiphooray.Threecheersforthe

brideandgroom?Yearight,thatwasunlikelytohappen.Very,veryunlikely.AndwouldIevenwant

thattohappen,evenifitwereapossibility?AndwasIcrazyforeventhinkingthesethoughtsinthe

firstplace?Yes,yes,ofcourseIwas.Thatwasn’tmyfirstsignthatIwascrazy.Imean,let’sbereal,I

sleptwithmyboyfriend’sdad.Youknowyoualreadyhavetobecrazyifyou’redoingsomethinglike

that.Ijustdidn’trealizehowbonkersIreallywas.MaylightningstrikemedownifIcontinueonthis

crazytrain.Sometimes,Ijustdon’tunderstandwhyIalwaysseemtofindmyselfinthesesituations.I

canneverjustmeetthenormal,niceandsweetguyandstickwithhim.Therealwaysseemstohaveto

besomedrama.AndI’msooverdrama.Notthatyouwouldknowthatfrommyhistoryorcurrent

day.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout,Jess?”Alyssasoundedconcerned.

“I’mthinkingthatI’mafool,maybeahugefool.”AndIcouldn’tevenlietomyselfandsaythatI

wasn’t.

“Whyareyouahugefool?”Shelookedconcernedatmymelodramatictone.Eitherconcernedor

annoyed.Icouldn’tquitetell.

“BecauseIcareaboutthisguyandIdon’tthinkIcanjustignorehimthateasily.”Ibitdownonmy

lowerlip.“Idon’tknowthatIcanjustmoveonandnotfeelanything.”

“Oh,Jess.”Alyssarubbedmyshoulder.“Don’ttellmeyou’vefallenforhim.”

“Okay,Iwon’ttellyouthen.”Imadeafaceatherandthengroanedloudly.“Whydoesthisalways

happentome?”

“Justignorehim,babe.It’llbeokay.”

“Idon’tknowhowtoignorehim.”Istaredintohereyes.

“Well,hashecontactedyouyet?”sheaskedcuriously,andIshookmyhead.

“So,yeah,let’sworryaboutyouignoringhimafterhekeepstryingtoblowyouup.”

“Youdon’tthinkhe’sgoingtocall,doyou?”ImadeafaceatherandmyheartsankbecauseI

didn’tthinkhewasgoingtocallortext,either,whichjustmadethewholethingevensadder.HereI

waspracticallycryingmyheartoutandhehadn’tevencalled.Iwasprettysureheprobablywasn’t

eventhinkingaboutme,period.Sad.

“Imean,hemight.”Shelookedlikeshewastryingnottohurtmyfeelings.IknewitbecauseI

knowshedidn’treallythinkhemightcallortext.Iknewshedidn’tthinkhewouldbecauseIcertainly

didn’tthinkhewould.Imean,whywouldhe?I’djustbeacomplicationinhislifeandwhywouldhe

wantacomplicationlikeme?WhatpositiveswasIbringingthatwouldoutweighallthenegativesthat

wouldcomealongwithhimwantingtoseemeagain?Therewerenorealpositivesthatwouldcome

fromusbeingtogetherandnoreasonswhyhewouldwanttopursueit,either.Whybuythebiggest

bitchofacowwhenyou’dalreadygottenthemilkforfree?

“Webothknowhe’snotgoingtocallmeortextme,”Isaidandsighed.“Thebiggerissueis

obviouslyme.AmIgoingtotextorcallhim?AmIgoingtobetheweaklink?”

“Jess,youcan’tthinkaboutitlikethat.”Alyssapausedandthencontinued.“ThoughIwould

recommendyoudon’ttextorcallhim.Whyputyourselfouttheretobehurt?Honestly,he’snota

goodguy.Astandupguywouldneverhaveputyouinthatpositioninthefirstplace.Hewould’ve

toldyouwhohewas,would’vetriedtomakethingsrightbeforeyouguyshookedup.He’snotastand

upguy,trustmeonthat,sothere’sabsolutelynopointontryingtogettoknowhimbetterorgiving

himachance.Nopointwhatsoever.”

“Wow,youreallydon’tlikehim.”

“Iknowthesesortsofguys.Theyaren’tworthit.He’llneverbeworthit.”

“Whydoesitalreadyfeellikeit’sgoingtohurt,though?”IcouldfeelmyheartachingasI

thoughtaboutneverseeingEvanagain.Whydideverythingfeelsomelodramaticalready?WhydidI

feellikemyheartwasgoingtobebroken?WhydidIfeelliketherewasnothingIcoulddotostopthe

painthatIknewwascoming?

“Oh,Jess,you’veinvestedinhimemotionallyandphysically.”Alyssalookedworried.“You

knowyou’renotthesortofgirlwhocansleepwithaguyandnotfeelsomethingforhim.That’sjust

yourpersonality.”

“Idon’twantthattobemypersonality.Idon’twanttothinkabouthimorcareabouthim.Idon’t

wanttobefeelinghurtalready.Idon’tevenknowthisguy.Idon’twanttofeellikehe’sconsuming

mylife.”

“Jess,theonlythingIcantellyouisthatyouneedtojustnotcontinueonwithhim.Gettingout

andmeetingnewguyscouldhelpwiththat.”

“Alyssa,Idon’twanttogoclubbing.Idon’twanttomeetnewguys.Ican’tmoveonthatquickly.

That’snothowIwork.IalreadyfeellikeshitabouteverythingandnowIfeellikemyheartisgoing

tobebrokenforbeingsomeheathenslut.”

“Jess,STOP,STOP,STOP.Youaretotallyoverreactingabouteverything.Youcangetoverthis

quiteeasilyifyoujustlistentomyadvice.”

“I’mlistening.”

“You’relistening,butI’mnotsureyou’rereallypayingattention.I’mnotsureyou’regoingto

listentomeandfollowmyadvice.”

“He’snotcalling,soIdon’tthinkwehaveaproblemrightnow,doyou?”Ipursedmylips.“Don’t

worry,I’mnotgoingtoaskhimifhewantstotakemeonarealdate.”

“Youshouldn’tevenhavetoaskhimthat,Jess.Ifhewasreallyinterestedinthat,hewould’ve

askedyoualready.Let’sbereal,ifhe’sinterestedinagenuineway,hewillbeaskingyoualotmore

thancanItakeyouonadate.He’dbewooingyou,hopinghecouldtakeyouonmanydates.He’dbe

hopingthathecandowhateverhecantomakeyoufeelbetteraboutthissituation.He’dbelettingyou

knowhowmuchhelikesyouandhe’dbehopingthatyoufeelthesameway.He’dbetalkingabout

howhe’ssorryfornottellingyouthetruth—which,bytheway,whatdidhesayaboutthat?”

“Nothing,”Imumbled,feelingdumb.

“What?”Shescrewedherfaceup.“Whatdoyoumeanbynothing?”

“Imeanhesaidnothing.”Igroaned.“IwasinbedwithhimwhenIfoundout.AndwhenIsayin

bed,ImeanthatPiercehadkindaenteredtheroomandthat’showIfoundout.AndthenIrushedtothe

showerandtheneveryonewasthereandthenbasicallyweallchattedandIsaidIcouldn’tmake

brunchbecauseyouneededmeandthenPierceaskedifIwantedtododinnerinsteadandIsaidyes

andthenIleft.”

“Oh,myGod.”Alyssashookherhead.“CallPierceandtellhimthatyoudon’twanttododinner.

Tellhimyoucan’tseehimanymore.Tellhimthateverythinghasbeenmovingtooquicklyforyou

andthatyouneedsometimetothink.”

“Really?”Imadeafaceandmyheartlurched.“Won’tthatlooksuspicious?”

“Whobloodycares?”Alyssasoundedannoyed.“Justdoit.YouowenothingtoPierceortoEvan.

Absolutelynothing.Youjustneedtogetoverthemboth.Andthebestwaytodothatisnottosee

eitherofthemagain.”

“Oh,myGod,”Isaid.“I’mnotsureIcandothat.”Mystomachsank.“Ireallylikehim.Ijustcan’t

notseehimagain.”

“Yes,youcan.”Alyssalookedannoyednow.“It’stheonlywaytomakesurethisdoesn’tblowup

inyourface.”

“Itwon’tblowupinmyface.”Ibitdownonmylowerlip.“I’llbegood.”

“It’snotyouI’mworriedabout,Jess.You’replayingwithfireandIsweartoGod,you’retheonly

onewho’sgoingtogetburnedinthissituation.”

“Why?”Iburiedmyfaceinmyhands.“Oh,God,why…”

“Justlistentome,Jess.JustcallPiercenowandcalloffthedinnerdate.”

“Okay.”Inoddedandsighed.“I’lldoit.”Ipeekedatherthroughmyfingers.“I’lldoit.”Ijumped

upandthencollapsedbackdownonthemattressandgroaned.“Whyme?Whyohwhy?”

C H A P T E R 1 6

ess

EVER

TELL

yourselfthatyou’redoingsomethingforonereasonwhenyou’rereallydoingitfor

quiteadifferentreason?That’ssomethingthatIdoallofthetime.That’ssomethingIdidwhenI

decidedtogoovertoPierce’sapartmenttopickupadressandcardiganthatI’dleftthereatsome

point.EventhoughIhadcancelleddinnerwithPierceandtoldhimthatIwasn’tfeelingwelland

neededtimealone,IstillconvincedmyselfitwasagoodideatogoovertohisplaceandthatIreally

neededmydressandcardiganbecause,well,youknow,itwasobviouslyamatteroflifeanddeath.

ThesadpartwasthatEvanhadn’treachedouttomeatallinthethreedayssinceI’dsleptwithhim.

Andthathadkilledme.Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouthim,wonderingwhathewasthinking.Telling

myselfthathewasn’tcontactingmebecausehewasn’tsurehowIfeltandifIwouldbecoolwithhim

afterwhathadhappened.MaybehewasworriedI’dfeellikehehadtakenadvantageofme.Maybe

he’dthinkIdidn’twanttoseehimagain.Ididn’tknow.Iknewinmyheartofheartsthatallofthose

thoughtswerelikelyuntrue.Iknewhemostlikelywasn’teventhinkingaboutme.IknewthatIwas

probablynothingtohim,butthatdidn’tstopmefromwishingthattherealitywassomethingdifferent.

Imean,don’tweallwishthattherealityissomethingdifferent?Sothat’swhyIfoundmyselfheaded

overtoPierce’sapartmentonaThursdayafternoonwhenthelastthingIshouldhavebeendoingwas

headingovertohisplace.

Irangthedoorbellandheldmybreath,wonderingwhowasgoingtoanswerandbuzzmeup,if

anyone.

“Hello?”Evan’sdeepvoicespokethroughtheintercom,andmyheartstopped.“Hello,”hesaida

fewsecondslater,asI’dbeenunabletospeak.

“It’sme.It’sJess,”Isaidfinally.Silence.Ifeltmyfacegrowingred.Whywasn’thesaying

anything?Oh,myGod,I’dmadeamistake.

“Jess?”hesaidafterwhatseemedlikeadecade.

“Ileftsomethingintheapartment.Icametogetit.”

“Okay,”hesaid,hisvoicesoundinghesitant,andIjustwantedtorunaway.

“CanIcomeup?”

“Ofcourse.”HebuzzedmeupandthedoorcrackedopenasIpusheditandheadedtowardsthe

stairs.MyheartwasracingasImademywayupthestairs,wonderingwhathewasthinkingandifI’d

madeahugemistakecominghere.Hehadn’tsoundedlikehe’dmissedmeorbeenthinkingaboutme

atall.

C H A P T E R 1 7

van

HREE

DAYS

.ThatwashowlongithadtakenforJesstocomeover.Iwassurprisedithadtakenthis

long.Infact,itmademedoubtmyownskillsinbed.Thefactthatshehadn’tevencontactedmeor

triedtoseemebeforethispointwassurprisingandI’dfeltabitputout.Normallyawomansleptwith

meanditwaslikeshe’dbeenconsumedwithavirus.Normallytheycouldn’tgetenoughofme.

ObviouslyJesshadn’tfeltthatway.Thoughshehadeventuallyshoweduptoday,threedayslater.

Hmm,I’dhavetoshowherthatthatwasn’tacceptable.Threedayswastoolong.I’dbeencravingher

sincethemomentshe’dleftmybedtheothermorning.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasthewayshe’dfelt

nexttomeandhowshe’dtouchedmeandI’dfeltwholeinsideofher.Ithadfeltlikeheavenonearth.

AndwhileI’dfeltguiltyaboutwhathadoccurred,Icouldn’tstopthinkingthatthiswasoneofthe

hottestmomentsinmylife.Oh,Jesshadbeensoeager,sowilling,sotempting,andshehadloved

everypartofitjustasIhad.

Butdamn,threebloodydays.Howcouldshehavegonethatlongwithoutseeingmeorwantingto

bewithme?Ididn’tunderstandit.

IheardthelightknockingonthedoorandIwalkedovertoitinexcitement.Icouldn’twaittosee

herfaceorherbody.Icouldn’twaittotouchher.Ifsheletme.Ididn’twanttoplaygameswithher.I

couldn’twaittoseeherlipstremblingasItouchedher.Icouldn’twaittobewithher.Ijusthopedshe

feltthesamewayandthatshecouldn’twaittobewithme.IwashopingIhadbeenonhermindas

muchasshe’dbeenonmine.

Iopenedthedoorandremovedthesmilefrommyface.Ididn’twanthertothinkIwastooeager.I

didn’twanthertothinkI’dbeencountingdownthehourstothismoment;thatI’dbeenanxioustosee

heragain.Ididn’twanthertothinkIcaredasmuchasIdid.Therewasnothinggoodthatwouldcome

ofthat.

“Hello,Jess,”Isaid,takinginherappearanceeagerly.Herhairhunglongdownpasther

shouldersandshewaswearingapairofshort-shortsandatighttanktopthattoldmesecretsofher

bodythatIwantedtoremember—oh,howIwantedtoremember.

“Hi.”Shedidn’tsmileasshelookedatmeandIcouldtellshewaspissedoff.

“Wanttocomein?”

“That’swhyI’mhere.”SherolledhereyesatmeandallIwantedtodowaspullherinforakiss.

“Then,comein.”Iwalkedawayfromthedoor.Iwasn’tgoingtomakethiseasieronher.

“Whatareyouherefor?”

“I’mheretocollectmystuff,”shesaidstiffly.

“Yourstuff?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Whatstuff?Yoursextoys?”

“Mywhat?”Sheglaredatme.

“WasInotloudenough?”Ispokeuplouder.“Isaidyoursextoys?”

“Idon’thaveanysextoys,”shesaidindignantly.

“Atallorjusthere?”Isaidwithalaugh.“Youshouldreallyhaveadildoathomeforthelonely

nights.”

“You’reajerk.”Shegasped,andIlaughed.

“Original.”Iheadedtowardsthekitchen.“Wantadrink?”

“No.”Shedidn’tfollowbehindme.

“Wantsomethingtoeat?”Isaid.

“No.”

“Wantaquickfuck?”

“No,”shescreeched.

“Wantalongfuck,then?”

“No,ohmygod,you’resuchapervert.”Shesoundedexacerbated,andthistimeIdidturnaround

andlookather.

“Really?You’rethatshocked?”Ilookedatherbody.“Isn’tthatwhyyoucameoverthis

afternoon?”

“Excuseme?”Sheglaredatme.

“Youwantedanotherpieceofme.”

“Iwantnopieceofyou,”shesaid,herlipsquivering,andIalmostlaughed.Itwassoobviousto

methatshewantedmeasbadlyasIwantedherbutIwasgoingtokeepplayingthisgamewithher.

Thatwouldteachhertoleavemewantingforthreedays.Threedaysindeed.Didn’tsherealizeIhad

needs?Didn’tsherealizeshewasluckyenoughtohavegottenanightwithme?Thatwasn’t

somethingthathappenedtoalotofwomenandsheshouldbethankfulforthat.I’dhavetoteachhera

lesson.I’dhavetoteachheralessonshewouldn’tforget.

“You’realiar,”Isaidwithasmirk.

“You’restillanass.”

“Anassyouenjoyedtheothernight.”

“Isthatallyouthinkabout?”

“Doyouthinkaboutanythingelse?”Iaskedherandleanedovertowhisperintoherear.

“Haveyouthoughtaboutanythingelsesincethatnight?”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Shetriedtotakeastepback,butIgrabbedaholdofherarmand

pulledherclosertome.

“Haveyouthoughtaboutanythingotherthanmebeinginsideofyou,makingyoumine?”

“You’reapervert.”

“Isn’tthatwhatyoulikedsomuchaboutme?”Ilaughed.“Didn’tyoulikemypervertedself

slidingupinsideofyou,whileyourfingernailsdugintomyshouldersandback?Didn’tyouenjoy

thewayImadeyouscreamandcome?Isn’tthatwhyyoucameback?”

“Icamebackformydressandmycardigan.”Shegasped,herbreathcomingquicklynow.“Idon’t

wantyou.You’resofullofyourself.”

“Youwantmerightnow.Youwanttorideme,andIthinkI’mgoingtoletyoudoit.”

“No,Idon’t.”HereyeswidenedandIlaughedasshelickedherlipsnervously.“OrIcantakeyou

frombehind.Iseemtorememberyoulikedthataswell.Ireallyseemedtohitthespot,didn’tI?”

“Icameformydressandcardigan,”sheprotested,eyeswide.

“Liar.”Ipushedmyerectionintoher.“Youcametocome.”

“You’resuchapervert.”

“Andthat’swhatyouloveaboutme.”

“Idon’tloveanythingaboutyou,”sheprotested.“Allyoucareaboutissex.”

“That’snottrue.”

“You’veneveraskedmeoutonadate.”

“Youwanttogoonadate?”Ileanedforwardandtookherlowerlipinmymouth.“Thatcanbe

arranged.”

“Idon’twanttogoonadate.I’mjustsayingthatyou’renotastandupguy.Youhaven’tevenasked

meonadate,yetyoulovetotalkaboutsexallthetime.Ithinkyou’redisgusting.”

“YouthinkI’mdisgusting?”

“Yes.”

“Uhhuh.”Isteppedbackandhadagrinatherbereftexpression.“Okaythen,let’sfindyourdress

andcardiganandthenyoucanleave.”

“What?”Shefrownedinconfusion.

“Idon’twantyoutothinkI’mheretokeepyouagainstyourwill.”Ishrugged.“Obviously,Iread

thesignsincorrectly.Let’sgetyourstuffandthenyoucango.”

“Oh,okay.”Shestilllookedconfused.“Uh,whataboutPierce?”

“Whatabouthim?”Isaidsoftly,waitingtoseeifshe’dcrack.

“Nothing.”Sheshookherhead.“Absolutelynothing.”Shelookedlostforafewsecondsanda

partofmefeltsorryforher.Shehadabsolutelynoideashewasplayingaroundwithamastermind.

Andhowwouldshe?ShewasoutofherleagueandthatwaspartofwhyIfoundthegamesomuch

fun.Shehadabsolutelynoideahowtokeepupwithme.

Ifeltalittlehesitationassheglancedupatmethroughherlonglashes.Apartofmefeltguilty.

MaybeIshouldn’tplaythisgamewithher.MaybeIshouldjustletitgo.Maybe,justmaybe,Ishould

letJessbetheonewhodidn’tgetcaughtupinthetrap.

Ishouldbethemanthatdidn’tletJessgetcaughtupinthetrapbut,forselfishreasons,Ididn’t

wanttobethatman.Forselfishreasons,IwantedtobethemanthatletJessgettrappedupinallofmy

tangledanddeviouswebs.IwantedtoseehowfarIcouldtakeeverything.IwonderedhowfarIcould

pushit,howfarshewaswillingtogo.IwassurprisedshehadevenbroughtPierceup.ThoughIwas

sureshewasprobablystillshockedaboutwhathadgoneon.Whowouldn’tbe?

“Sodoyouknowwhereyouleftit,then?”Iaskedher,feigningnonchalance.IfshethoughtI

wantedhertoleave,thenshewouldlikelynotwanttoleave.Thatwasthepsychologyofhowthese

thingswenteverysingletime.

“Leftwhat?”Shelookedmoreconfusedthaneverandshestartedplayingwithherhair.Iwanted

toreachoverandrunmyfingersthroughitandpullitalittle.Iwantedtowatchhereyeswidenin

surpriseandshockandmaybealittleindesire,wonderingwhatIwasgoingtodonext,butIdidn’t.A

partofmewasstartingtofeelguilty.ShewassoverynaïveandgullibleandIcouldn’tquitebelieve

she’dfallenforeverything.Icouldn’tbelieveit,yetIwashappyshewashere.Ijusthadnoideahow

muchfurtherthingswouldgoandifI’dbeokaywiththat.

“Thestuffyoucametocollect,”Isaidsoftly.“Isn’tthatwhyyou’rehere,afterall?”

“Ofcourseitis.WhyelsewouldIbehere?”

“Maybeforme?”Ilaughedassheblushed.“Maybetorideme?”

“You’resuchapervert.”

“Isn’tthatwhatmakeseverythingfun?”Iwinkedather.“Isn’tthatwhyyou’vebeenattractedtome

thiswholetime?”Istaredather,wonderingwhyandhowshedidn’tgetit.Didnothingseemoffto

her?

“Ican’tbelieveyou.”Sheshookherheadindisgustatme.“You’reahorribledadtoPierce.Ican’t

believeyouwoulddothattoyourownson.”

“Ifyou’resoconcerned,whydon’tyougoonadatewithhim,then,andmakeituptohim?”Her

wordsannoyedme.Shehadnoideawhatshewastalkingabout.Iwonderedhowshecouldjusttake

everythingatfacevalue.Didn’tshequestionanything?Iwantedtotellhertojustslowdownandthink

abouteverythingproperly.Iwantedtotellherthatsheshouldhavemorefaithinme.Thatmaybe

Piercewasn’tthegoodguyshethoughthewas.IwantedtotellherthatIthoughtmaybebothofushad

beenplayed,butIknewitdidn’tmatter.Itdidn’tmatterbecauseIknewthetruth,thewholetruth,the

fulltruth,thesickeningtruth.Andwhile,inthebeginning,ithadseemedlikeharmlessfun,itwas

startingtomakemefeelguilty.AndthatwasafeelingIdidn’tunderstandorwanttounderstand.I

didn’twanttodevelopaconscience,notnow.Notwheneverythingwassoupintheairandso

complicated.Thiswasmeanttobefun.Ithadalwaysbeenfun.Icouldn’tletthatchangenow.

“MaybeIwill.MaybeI’lljuststickwithhim.Heseemslikehe’sabetterguythanyou.”

“Youthink?”SomethinginmystomachgrowledandIcouldfeelmyselfgrowingangry.Didshe

reallythinkthat?AndwhatdidIcareifshedid?Ishouldhaveknownfromthebeginningthatthiswas

goingtobeoverlycomplicated.Ijustshouldhaveknown.

“Well,it’snotlikeyoutoldmeanything.Orexplained.Ortriedtocallme.Ortext.Oranything.”

ShepursedherlipsandIcouldseeshewasupset.“Butwhatever,itdoesn’tmatter.”

“Okaythen,”Iresponded,notreallysurewhattosay.Orhowtofeel.

“Okaythen?That’sallyouhavetosay?”

“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.”Ijustwantedtotouchandkissher.Ididn’twanttothink

aboutanythingelse.

“Typical.”Herbrowneyeslookedsad,andIfeltsomethinginsideofmecringing.I’dhurther.I

didn’twanttohurther.Ididn’twanttofeellikeIwasresponsibleformakingherfeelbad.

“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”Iaskedher,thoughmyinsideswererebellingagainstthe

words.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutanythingtoodeep.

“Nothing.”Shebitdownonherlowerlip.“It’sobvioustomethatyoudon’tcare,sowhyshould

I?”

“Stopplayingthesegames.Ifyouwanttotalkaboutsomething,justtellme.Idon’thavetimefor

this.”

“Whatdoyouhavetimefor,Evan?”shesnappedandhereyesflashedatme.

“Somelovemaking.”Iwinkedather,hopingtomakeherlaugh,butshejustshookherhead.

“You’reanasshole.”

“Youwantmetodowhatwithyourasshole?”MyeyeswidenedasIcrackedajokeandshejust

lookedatmeandrolledhereyes.

“Ican’tbelieveyou’reanyone’sdad,”shesaid,shakingherhead,andIwantedtorespondwith,

well,whydoyouthen?butIkeptmymouthshut.“Stillnoresponse?”Shelookedannoyed.“Allyou

doiscrackjokesormakecommentariesaboutsex.Doyouhavenofeelings?”

“Whatdoyouwantfromme,Jess?”Iaskedherquietly,suddenlyfeelingoverwhelmedandsadat

thesituation.Andratherconfused.Ijustdidn’tknowwhattothinkorfeelanymoreandIhatedfeeling

likeIwasinthispositionofpowerlessnessandoutofcontrol.AndIwasstartingtofeellikeajerk.

AndIneverfeltlikeajerk.It’saweirdfeelingtohavethewindknockedoutofyou.Andthat’swhat

thatmomentdidtome.Itmademethinkandlookateverythingdifferently.Itmademelookat

everythingthroughJess’seyes.Ifevenforafewbriefseconds.Andthatstrucksomethinginme.

SomethingIdidn’twanttoacknowledge.

“Idon’twantanything.Ibarelyknowyou.”Sheshruggedandlookedaway.“MaybeIshouldjust

go.”Shesteppedtowardsthedoor,andIcouldfeelmyselfpanicking.

“Okay,go,”Isaid,hatingmyselfforbeingsocruel,wonderingwhatwaswrongwithme.Maybe

nothing.Maybeeverything.Ididn’treallywanttothinkaboutit.

“Youjustdon’tcare,doyou?”Shesoundedexasperated,andasIstaredatherfaceIcouldseeshe

wasn’tgoingtostartlaughingandtellmethatshewasn’treallyupset.Ididn’treallyknowwhatshe

wantedfromme,whatshecouldpossiblybeexpecting.Itmadenosensetome.Howcouldshewant

somethingmorethanwhatwasrealistic?

“Idon’treallyknowwhatyouwantmetosay.”

“Justsayanything.”

“IfIhadsomethingtosay,Iwouldsayit.”Isighedandthentookadeepbreath.“Look,Jess,I

didn’tmeantohurtyou.Ididn’tmeantomakeyoufeelbad.I’msorryabouthoweverythinghasgone

down.”

“Areyou?Areyoureally?”

“Yes,Iam.”Itookadeepbreath.“MaybeIcantakeyoutolunchorsomething.Getyoutoforgive

meforbeinganass.”

“Youwanttotakemetolunch?”ShelookedupatmeandIsworeIcouldseeeagernessinher

eyes.Iwasn’tsureifI’dmadeamistake.Maybethiswasn’tagoodidea.Itwasdeviatingfromthe

plan.Ididn’twanttogiveherafalseexpectationofwhatwasgoingtohappennext.Ididn’twantto

givemyselfafalseexpectationeither.Thiswasn’tgoingtogoanywhere.Notleastbecauseshehadno

clueexactlywhatwasgoingonandwhensheknewthefulltruthaboutthesituation,Iwasprettysure

shewouldnevertalktomeagain.AdullthudpoundedinmyheartasIthoughtaboutherhatingme

morethanshehatedmenow.

“Ifyou’llletme.”Ismiledathergently.“Wehadfuntheothernight.Ithoughtwewerestartingto

geton.Ithoughtwehadaconnection.Ididn’trealizewe’dleftthingssopoorly.Ididn’trealizethat

thenexttimeIsawyou,itwouldbethisawkward.I’msorry.”

“Youdidn’tcall.Youdidn’ttext.”

“Neitherdidyou,”Isaidsimply.

“But…”Shesighed.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”

“Justsayyou’llgotolunchwithme.”

“Fine.I’llgo.”

“Doyouwanttogo?”Iaskedherwithasmallsmile.

“Yes.”Shenoddedandlookedmedirectlyintheeyes.“MaybeI’mcrazy,butyes,yesIdo.”

“Good.”Iwalkedovertoher,grabbedherarmsandpulledhertowardsme.“MaybeI’mcrazy

too.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”sheaskedasshelookedupintomyeyes,herlashesbattinginnocentlyas

shestaredatme,searchingforanswerstoquestionsshewasn’tasking.

“Becausethiswholesituationjustfeelslikeadream.”

“Itdoes,doesn’tit?”ShelaughedandIcouldn’tstopmyselffromleaningdowntokissherhard.

HerlipsweresoftandsweetbeneathmineandIbreathedinheressence.Oh,howI’dmissedherinthe

lastfewdays.ItscaredmethatI’dmissedher.ItscaredmethatIcared,evenalittlebit.Ididn’twantto

care.Notatall.EverythingwasgoingtoshitandIhadnoideawhatIwasgoingtodo.Noideaatall.

ART

Evan

There’ssomethingyoushouldknow.SomethingIshouldtellyou,lestyouhatemeforever.I’m

notPierce’sdad.Iknow,Iknow,whatthehellamIsaying?HowcouldInotbePierce’sdad,after

everythingthat’sgonedown?YoumightevenbethinkingI’mabiggerjerkthanyou’dpreviously

thought.Thoughthatmightnotbehard.I’mnotgoingtomakeapunabouthowhardIcanget.That

wouldn’tbeappropriateandyoudon’tknowmewellenoughforthatyet.

SoletmegobacktowhatIwassaying.I’mnotPierce’sdad.Iknow,yourmindisallflummoxed.

AndIknowyou’rethinkingwhatthehellisgoingonhere?Maybeyou’renotthinkingthat.Maybe

youdon’tswearorthinkthingslikehell.Ifyou’reoneofthoseperfectpeople,thencongrats.I’m

prettyconfidentI’llneverchangeyourmindintothinkingI’manalrightsortofguymostofthetime.

Totherestofyou,theoneswhoarehuman,andnotperfect,letmepleadmycasebeforewecontinue

withthestory.Ineedtopleadmycasenow,becauseIdon’twantyoutohateme.Idon’twantyouto

thinkI’mnotgoodenoughforJess.EventhoughI’mnotreallygoodenough.

PierceandIarefratbrothers.I’molderthanhim.Byagoodsevenyears.Iwashishousebrother

whenhewasinthefrathouse.I’dbeenworkingonmyPhDandtookthejobsoIcouldhaveafree

placetolive.Ourfratwascrazy,asaremostfrats,andwewereimmature,asaremostguysin

college.Okay,weweremaybemoreimmatureandweneverreallygrewoutofthatmentality.Pierce

andIandacoupleotherbrothersusedtoplayagamewherewewouldgotoaclub,seeagirl,and

guesswhowethoughtshe’dhookupwith,orwhenwecouldgetherinbed,orwhatlieswecould

convinceherweretrue.LikeIsaid,wewereimmatureanddumb.Andstillare.Ouranticshavegrown

bolderovertheyearsandI’mashamedtosay,we’vepulledsomereallyshadyshit.LikewithJess.

Piercehasthisthingwherehethinkshecangetanygirl.IhavethisthingwhereIthinkIcangetany

girlthatPiercethinkshecanget.Sowemadeabet.Andtomakeitmoreinterestingwedecidedto

twistitup.Wedecidedtopickagirlwethoughtlookedlikemoreofaninnocent,sothatitwouldn’t

beinhernaturetojust‘cheat’orflirtwithme.AndthenPiercehadthecrazyideathatweshould

pretendIwashisbrotherorhisdad.Wejokinglydecidedupondad,becauseIhavegreyhair,butI

neverinabillionyearswouldhavethoughtanyonewouldhaveboughtthatstory.Imean,itstill

bogglesmymindthatJessactuallythinksI’mPierce’sdad.

Sohere’sthepartwhereIshouldtellyouwhyI’mexplainingeverythingtoyounow.I’mina

quandary.IlikeJess.AndI’mstartingtothinkPierceisanasshole.Imean,we’rebothassholes,but

I’mstartingtothinkPiercewasdeliberatelyplayingwithJess’sfeelingstogetanothergirljealous.

And,well,thatpissesmeoff.Okay,IknowIhavenoreasontobepissedoff.Ihavenoreasontofeel

likeI’mbetterthanPierce.Webothgotintothisshittogether.I’mtheonewhoplayedher.I’mtheone

whoteasedandtormentedherwhenshewascomingoverforPierce.IknowI’mnotthegoodguy

here.IknowI’vedoneandsaidthingsIshouldn’thave.ThingsIcan’ttakeback.Yet,Idofeelbad

aboutmyactions.Idofeelbadaboutthelies.Youshouldknowthat.YoushouldknowifIhadtodoit

allagain,I’dhavedonealotofthingsdifferently.IwishIcouldtellyouthatIwasagoodguy,thatI

owneduptomymistakesrightaway.ThatItriedtomakethingsbetter.ThatIdidn’thurtJess.

Unfortunately,Ican’tsaythat.However,youshouldknowbeforewegoanyfurtherthatIdohave

feelingsforJess.IdidhavefeelingsforJess,evenbeforeeverythingwentdown.It’strueIdidn’t

knowexactlywhatthefeelingsmeant.It’strueIwascaughtupinthegame.Iwasn’tthebestguy.A

partofmelikedplayingwithher.Apartofmeenjoyedthebackandforth.Itmadeeverythingreally

exciting.I’dneverhadarelationshipwithsomeonelikeIhadwithJess.Thedynamicwas

exhilarating:shehadthespecialblendofbeingnaïve,sexy,andwinsome.Ijustcouldn’tquitefollow

herandIenjoyedthatchallenge.Ienjoyednotknowingexactlywhatshewasthinking,yetseeingin

hereyesthatshewasfeelingsomethingspecial.IwantedtoletyouknowI’mnotabadguy,nomatter

whatyoumightthink.Iwantedtoletyouknowbeforewecontinued.Iknowmywordsmightnotbe

enoughtomakeyouthinkbetterofme.Iknowmywordsmightnotmakeyoulikeme,butIhaveto

try.Ihavetohavesomeoneinmycorner.AndIfeeltheneedtohaveyouknowthetruthbeforeI

continue.YouneedtoknowwhereI’mcomingfrom.ButIdigress,intheendnothingreallymatters

asidefromwhatJessthinks.AndwhatJesswants.AndwhatJessfeels.Andthat’sanyone’sguess.I

mayhavereallyandtrulyfuckeditallup.AndIdon’tknowifIcanlivewithmyselfifthat’swhat’s

happened.

C H A P T E R 1 8

van

“Y

’

GOING

outwithJess?”Pierce’seyesnarrowedashegazedatmewithafrown.“Why?”

“IthoughtIwouldtakeheroutforlunch.Seehowshe’sdoing?”

“Why?”Hesoundedconfused.“Ijustdon’tunderstandwhy.”

“IthoughtIshouldgettoknowher,aftereverythingthat’shappened.”

“Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidea?”

“Idon’tthinkit’sabadidea.”

“Evan…”Hislipsthinned.“Wecan’tchangetheplannow.Don’tbeanidiot.”

“Thisdoesn’tseemright.”Ipursedmylips.“She’snotliketheothers.”

“SoyouthinkweshouldhavegonewithAlyssa?”

“Ithinkweshouldn’thavedoneit.”Iwasn’tsurewhyallofasuddenIfeltbadaboutourplan.

We’dpickedupgirlsatbarsbeforeandI’dneverhadthesesameconcerns,butsomehowitfelt

differentwithJess.Itfeltnastier,meanerinaway.

“Dude,it’sjustforfun.It’snotlikewe’vedoneanythingtrulywrong.”Piercegavemealookthat

showedthathethoughtIwasbeinganidiot.

“Pierce,”Isaidwithasigh,“itdoesn’tseemright.”Ipursedmylipsandstoppedmyselffrom

continuing.IwasthelastpersontobepreachingtoPierce.EspeciallysinceIhadbeentheonewho

hadintroducedhimtothegamesincollege.I’dbeentheonewhohadoriginallycomeupwithallthe

crazywaystotrickwomenand‘testthem’.

“Evan,sincewhenhaveyoucaredaboutwhat’sright?”

“We’renotincollegeanymore.”Isighed,notsurehowtoexplainwhatIwasthinkingandgoing

throughinside.Ididn’tevenreallyknowmyself.

“Wewereneverincollegeatthesametime.”Isighedagain.“Thisisashitshow.”

“Imean,she’stheonewhobelievesyou’remydad.She’stheonewhohookedupwithyou.She’s

theonewhoisstillgoingtogoonadatewithyou.”

“Wehaven’tbeenfairtoher.”Iknewmywordssoundedweak.

“Dude,whocares?”Piercegavemealook.AndIshruggedandshookmyhead.WhywasI

bothering?IknewPiercedidn’tcare.Andwhyshouldhe?Thiswasjustagametohim.Justlikeithad

alwaysbeenagametomeaswell.

“Who’stheredhead?”Ichangedthesubject.“Seemstomethatyouhaven’tbeencompletely

honestyourself.Seemstomethatyoumighthavehadulteriormotivesyourself.”

“Idon’thaveanyulteriormotives.”Heblinkedatme.“Dude,thishasbeenatraditionforSigmas

foryears.We’rejustcontinuingthetradition.”

“Aren’twetoooldforthis?”

“Maybeyouare.”

“I’mnotthatmucholderthanyou,Pierce.”Irolledmyeyesathim.

“Jessthinksyou’reoldenoughtobemydad.”Hestartedlaughing.“Ihonestlyneverthought

she’dbelievethat.”

“IguessIlookgoodformyage.”Igrinnedathimandthenshookmyhead.“Wesuck.Youknow

that,right?Wereallysuck.”

“Nah,yousuckalotmorethanme.”PierceshookhisheadatmeandbentdowntostrokeSquirrel

betweentheears.“You’retheonewhotookher.”

“Tookher?”

“Sleptwithher.”Heputahanduptohigh-fivemeandIignoredhim.“I’mshockedshedecidedon

youoverme.”

“Dude,whatdidyouthinkafteryouinvitedhertoeatEthiopianfood,like,tentimesinarow,

knowingshehatedit?”

“Allpartoftheplan,right?Howmuchwouldshetake?Whatwouldshedo?”

“Yeah,Isuppose.Justseemswrong.”

“Imean,webothknowit’snotlikesheremainedforme.Shewasn’tstickingaroundforme,she

wasstickingaroundforyou.Thatshouldmakeyoufeelgood.”Hemadeaface.“Everydinnershe

couldbarelykeephereyesoffofyou.I’mnotsurewhoshethoughtshewasfooling.”

“Itdoesn’tmakemefeelgoodthatwe’vebeenlyingtothisgirl.AndIfeellikeyoutriedtomake

herfeellikeyoureallycaredaboutherandIfeellikeyouwerejustusinghertomakethatredhead

jealous.”

“WouldIdothat?”Piercelaughed.

“Yes.”Isighed,annoyed.“That’swrong.”

“I’mnotanymorewrongthanyouare,dude.Ifanything,youweremorefuckedupthanme.

You’retheonewhoactuallybaggedher.”

“Enough.”Isighedagain.“IjustwantedyoutoknowthatI’mgoingtobetakinghertolunchina

fewdays.”

“Andthepointofthisis?”Hisexpressionchangedandhelookedannoyed.“Whatareyouhoping

isgoingtohappen?”

“Ijustwanttomakesureshefeelsbetterabouteverythinggoingforward.Idon’twanthertofeel

used.”

“Uhhuh.Sure.That’swhatyouwant.”

“ThatiswhatIwant.”

Ididn’tnormallytryandmakeitbetterwiththewomenPierceandItricked.Iftrickedwasthe

rightword.Ididn’tknowwhyIwasmessingwithournormalprogram.Maybebecausethistime,it

didn’tseemright.Jesswasn’tliketheothergirls.Sheseemedlikedshewasreallyinvestedinme.

Muchmoreinvestedthananyoneelsehadbeen.Shehadbeenreallyupset.Reallysad.Really

emotional.Ihadabadfeelingshewasreallyfallingforme.AndthatwassomethingIdidn’twantto

happen.Somethingthatwouldmakeeverythingalotmorecomplicated.Asifitwasn’talready.I

shouldhaveknownfromthemomentshe’denteredtheapartmentthatdayandhadgivenmetitfortat

thatshewasdifferent.I’mnotsurewhyI’dsleptwithher.I’mnotsurewhyI’dgonealongwiththe

wholefarce.PierceandIweretoooldforthisshitnow.Istillcouldn’tquitebelieveshe’dbelieved

thatwewererelated.Wedidn’tevenlookalike.AndIwasnowhereoldenoughtobePierce’sdad.I

wasonlysevenyearsolderthanhim.GrantedIhadafewgreyhairs,butdamn.Whatwasshe

thinking?Ijusthadnoclue.Itwasalmosttooeasy.Liketakingcandyfromachild.Orrather,like

givingcandytoachildinaparkandleadingthemoffintoavan.That’swhatitmademefeellike:

dirty,manipulativeandevil.Ihatedfeelingthisway.I’dneverfeltthiswaybefore.Idon’tknowifthis

meantIwasgrowingaconsciencethatI’dneverhadbefore.Idon’tknowifthismeantIwas

becomingamanwithfeelings.Thatmademecringe.Iwantedneitherofthosethings.

“What’reyougoingtodoifsheasksaboutLinda?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iblinkedathim.

“I’mnothiringheragain.”Pierceshookhishead.“Thatshitcostmefivehundredbucks.”

“Fivehundred?”Iwasshockedhe’dpaidthatmuchjusttohaveafakemomattheparty.

“Shechargedmeextraforsleepingover.Eventhoughtherewasnosex.”

“You’retheonewhowantedtohiresomeonetoplaytheroleofyourmom.”

“Dude,itwasclassic.”Piercestartedlaughing.“IjustwishIcouldhaveseenJess’sfacewhenshe

heardthatLindawasyourex-wifeandIwasyourson.”

“Ididn’tgettoseeiteither.”Ishookmyhead,thoughIhadasmallsmirkonmyface.“Itwould

havebeenpriceless,I’msure.”

“Youknowit.Shit,weshouldhavehadavideocamera.”

“Thatshitwould’vebeensuperinvasive.”Ishookmyhead.“Ineverwould’veagreedtothat.”Ilet

outahugesighandstaredatPierceandthehugesmileonhisface.Itmademefeelsadanddepressed.

HadIreallybeenasbadashim?

“StopactinglikethePope,dude.”Piercesoundedannoyed.“Yougotthegoodies.Justmoveon.

Why’reyoudealingwiththischickanymore?”

“Pierce,”Isnappedathim,“enough.I’mnotgoingtoexplainmyselftoyouanymore.I’mjust

tellingyouthatI’mtakingJessoutandI’mgoingtotryandmakethisright.Whatwedidwaswrong.”

“Waawaa.”Piercerolledhiseyes.“Whatever,dude.Thatmusthavebeensomegoodpussy.”

“You’reapig,”Igrowled.

“Yeah,Imightbe,butthensoareyou,daaaad.”HestartedlaughingandIjustwalkedawayfrom

him,knowingIwasnevergoingtogetthroughtohim.Ididn’tevenknowwhyIwasevenbothering.

Ididn’tknowwhereJessandIweregoingtogofromhereandIdidn’tthinkIcouldevertellher

therealtruth.Ididn’tthinkshe’deverforgivemeforhavingtrickedherthisbadly.

“S

THIS

NICE

PLACE

,right?”Iaskedherwithasmallsmileaswesatdownatourcosycornertable,

thecandlelightmakingeverythingseemalotmoreromanticthanI’danticipated.

“Yeah,it’sverynice.”Jessadjustedhertightreddressasshesatdownandlookedupatmewith

beguilingeyes.“Ithoughtyouwantedtodolunchandnotdinner?”

“Well,youknow.Thisseemedtoworkoutbetter,”Isaidsmoothly,notwantingtobeexplicitthatI

thoughtIhadabetterchanceofgettingherbacktomybedifwediddinner.NotthatIwasallabout

sex,butlet’sbereal.I’mstillaman.

“Ifyousayso.”Shelaughedandlickedherlipsnervously.“Youjustwanttotakemetobed

again.”

“Wouldthatbesuchabadthing?”Igrinnedather,gladshewasn’tnaïveenoughtonotknowthat.

Andgladshewasboldenoughtocallmeoutforit.

“Idon’tknow.”Shestaredatme.“Alyssa,myroommate,wouldthinkso.”

“IknowwhoAlyssais,butwhywouldshethinkthat?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Shedoesn’t

likeme?”

“Shethinksthiswholesituationissuperweird.”

“It’snotsuperweird,”Ilied,wonderingwhatAlyssawouldthinkifsheknewtherealtruth.She’d

probablykidnapJessandneverletherseemeagain.

“Yes,itis.”Shesighedandshuffledaroundinherseat.“Itissuperduperweird.Idon’tevenknow

whyIagreedtocomewithyoutonight.Imustbecrazy.”

“Didn’tweagreethatwe’rebothcrazytogether?”

“Yeah,butIthinkI’mcrazier.”

“Yousaidthat,notme,rememberthat.”Igrinnedather,happytobeherewithherandtoputmy

talkwithPiercetotheside.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutanythingelse,otherthanthismoment.Ijust

wantedtoenjoywhatwehadandliveforthefunwecouldhavenow.Imean,apartofmewishedI

couldtellJessthetruth.Tellhereverythingthathadhappenedfromthebeginning.Explaintoherthat

I’dbeenplayingthesegamesforalongtime.TellherthatIusedtobeastupidimmaturefratguy.

ThatmyfratbrothersandIhadplayedstupidgamesformany,manyyearsandwe’dneverreallyseen

aproblemwithit.Ijustneverthoughtitwasaproblem.Neverhadaguiltyconscienceaboutitbefore.

Butnow,noweverythingfeltdifferent.Everythingfeltsomuchmoretwisted.HowcouldItellher

thatI’dbeenintheclubthatnight?HowcouldItellherthatI’dbeenwithPiercewhenhe’dselected

hertobethegirlhewentovertothatnight?HowcouldItellherthatI’dtoldhimtogoforAlyssa,

buthe’dthoughtJesswouldbemoreofachallenge?HowcouldItellallofthetwistedtruthaboutthe

gameswe’dbeenplayingwithher?Ijustdidn’tknow.Ijustdidn’tknowwhattosay.HowcouldIbe

honestabouteverything?She’dnevertalktome.AndIguessIdidn’treallydeserveforhertotalkto

me.Imean,whatwe’ddonewashorrible.Irealizedthatnow.MaybethebestthingIcoulddoforher

andformewastogethertostoplikingme.MaybeIneededtostopbeingsoselfish.Iwantedto

continuetoseeher,howbadlyIwantedtoseeherandtalktoherandwatchhersmilingandlistento

herlaughing.HowbadlyIwantedtokissherandholdherclosetome.HowbadlyIwantedtotakeher

tomybed.Only,thistime,IwantedittobesoftandgentleandthenroughandhardandIwantedto

makeherscream.Iwantedtohearherpanting,cryingoutmyname.Iwantedtomakeherbegmeto

keepgoingallnightlong.Iwantedforeverythingtobeperfect.Onlyitwasnevergoingtobeperfect.

Andifitwas,itwouldneverlast.Itwouldneverlastbecausetherewerealreadytoomanylies.So

maybeitwasbetterformetojustgethertohateme.Iknewshewasfallingforme.IknewIwas

fallingforher.ButI’dalreadygoneandfuckeditup.I’dalreadygoneandmadethingsshitty.This

wasnofairytalebeginningandtherewouldcertainlybenofairytaleending.IfIreallycaredforher,

I’dbeanasstokeepthischaradegoing.IfIreallycaredforher,thebestthingIcoulddowouldbeto

gethertohateme.I’dgethertonotwanttobewithme.Itwasn’tfairtoherforhertofalldeeperfor

meandIwasn’tsureitwasfairformetodumpher,either.Itjustdidn’tseemright.Itshouldbeher

decision.Thatwouldempowerher.Thatwouldallowhertomoveonwithoutfeelingliketherewas

somethingwrongwithher.

“You’resupposedtosaythatI’mnotcrazy,”shesaidandlaughed,hereyeslightingupasshe

gazedatmealmostadoringly.IknewIwasoverreacting,butsomethingaboutherglancemademe

panic.Shewasalreadyinfartoodeep.Icouldalreadytellshehadfeelings.Ididn’twanthertohave

feelings.Ididn’twanttobreakherheart.Ididn’twanttoberesponsibleforthat.

“You’renotcrazy.”Ismiledatherandthen,becauseIdidn’tknowwhatelsetodo,Ilooked

around.IwatchedastwowomenwalkedpastusandIsmiledwidelyattheblonde,whowasshaking

herhipsbackandforthandgivingmeawinningsmile.Iwinkedatherandsheplayedwithherhair

andthenIturnedbacktoJess,whowaslookingatmewithanuncertainsmileandaslightlyjealous

glare.“Atleastthat’swhatIhavetosay,right?”

“Whatever.”ShelookedawayfrommeandwhileIfeltlikeshit,IknewIwasdoingtheright

thing.IfshewantedtothinkIwasapigandblatantenoughtostareatotherwomen,maybeshe’dfall

outoflustwithme.Orwhateveritwasshewasthinkingandfeeling.Ididn’tknow.Ididn’tcare.I

didn’twanttoknow.Infact,Ididn’tevenwanttobeinthisposition.HowhadIfuckedthisupso

royally?

“It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vefeltthiswayaboutsomeone,”Isaidsoftly,andlookedatJess,

wonderingwhatshewasthinking,wantinghertohateme,butnotreallywantingherto.Itwasareally

complicatedsituationandIwasn’tsurehowtonavigateit.

“Uhhuh.”Jessgavemeaglance.“Ifeellikethat’ssomethingyousaytoeveryone.”

“Everyone?”Iraisedaneyebrowather.“Really?”

“HowamIsupposedtoknow?”Sheglaredatme.“Idon’treallyknowyou,doI?”

“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”Ileanedforward.“Youcanaskmeanything.”

“Likewhydidn’tyoutellmethatyouwerePierce’sdad?”Sherolledhereyes.“Orthatyou’ve

beenlyingtomeforalongtimeandplayingme.”

“Iwasn’tplayingyou.Whatwouldyouhavedoneifyouwereme,Jess?HowwasIgoingtobring

thatup?”

“Youshouldn’thaveflirtedwithmeandwhenyousawIwasreciprocatingyoushouldhavetold

methetruth.”

“Wouldyouhavestillwantedtogettoknowmeifyouwould’veknownthetruth?”Iaskedsoftly.

“Like,really?Wouldyouhavewantedtoknow?”

“WhatcanIsay?”Shesighed.“Yes,no,Idon’tknow.Ijustfeellikehonestyisthebestpolicy.”

“Iagreeit’sthebestpolicy.”Isighedtooandwonderedifthiswasthetimeformetocomeout

withthefulltruthabouteverything.Wouldshereallywanttoknowthetruth?Wouldsheevertalkto

meagain?Wouldshebeforgiving?Ialreadyknewtheanswertothat.Iknewshewouldn’twantto

haveanythingtodowithmeifsheknew.Andthatmademefeelsicktomystomach.Iknewthiswould

beit.AndIjustcouldn’thavethat.Notyet.Notnow.Icouldn’tdealwithlosingher.NotwhenI’d

barelyhadher.Iknewitwasselfishofmeanditwasn’tfairanditdidn’tmakesense.

“Whydidyouinvitemetothisdinner?”Shelookedatmeexpectantly,andIwasn’treallysure

whattosay.

“I’mnotreallysure,”Iansweredhonestly.“Iwantedtoseeyou,Isuppose.Iwantedtomakesure

youwereokay.”

“Isupposethat’sniceofyou.”Shemadeafaceandwejuststaredateachotherforafewmoments,

bothofuswonderingexactlywhatweweredoingthere.Iknewthatthatwasn’ttheanswershewanted

tohear.Iknewthatbothofusreallydidn’tknowwhatweweredoingthere,whatwewantedto

happen,whatwethoughtcouldhappen.AndatthatpointIdidn’tcare.AtthatpointallIwantedwas

anotheropportunitytogetherintomybed.

“Yeah,everyoneknowsI’maniceguy,”Isaidwithasmalllaughandthenreachedunderthetable

andranmyhandupherleganddidn’tstopuntilIreachedthetopofherthigh.Isawhereyes

wideningasIranmyfingersdownthemiddleofherlegsandshegaspedasIrubbedgently.

“Wouldn’tyouagree?”Isaidwithawinkandlickedmylipsslowlyasshegazedatmewithdesirein

hereyesandshemovedherbodybackandforthslowly.

“W

HERE

ARE

GOING

?”Jessgiggledtipsilyaswewalkedoutoftherestaurant,feelinglighthearted

fromcopiousamountsofwineandgoodfood.

“It’sasurprise.”

“Asurprise,huh?”Sheturnedherheadtolookatmeandgavemeasweetsmile.Therewasa

sparkleinhereyesthatmademesmilebackwidelyatherandIwonderedwhatIwasdoing.Wasn’tI

supposedtobeturningheroffofme?Notmakingherfallformeharder.

“Yes,asurprise.Don’tyoulikesurprises?”

“Ilovesurprises,”shesaidagainandshereachedoverandgrabbedmyhandbeforepullingit

awayquickly.“Oops,sorry.”

“Don’tbesorry,”Isaid,myheartthudding.Ihadn’theldhandswithagirlinyearsanditmademe

feeluncomfortable.“Come,let’scrossthestreetbeforethelightschange,”Isaidandstartedjogging

acrossthestreet.Iwatchedassheraninherheelsslightlyclumsilyandshegaspedwhenshemetme

overontheotherside.

“Wecould’vewaitedforthelightstochangeagain,”shesaidasshestaredatme,andIlooked

downatherlegsforafewsecondsbeforeresponding.

“Wecouldhave,butwedidn’t,”Isaidwithasmallsmile.“Now,comeon,let’sgo.”

“Idon’tevenknowwherewe’regoing,”shesaid,pursingherlipsandmumblingsomething

underherbreath.

“Whatareyoumumbling?”Iaskedher,andsheshookherhead.

“Nothing.”

“Uhhuh.”Ilickedmylips.“Don’tmakemespanktheansweroutofyou.”

“Spanktheansweroutofme?”Shegavemealookandstartedlaughing.“Youwish.”

“DoIreally?”Iaskedherandstareddownatherass.

“Yes.”ShegiggledandIreachedoverandgrabbedherandpulledhertowardsmeforalong,

deepkiss.“Oh,Evan.”Shesighedasshewrappedherarmsaroundmyneck.Myhandsfelltoherass

andsqueezedslightlyandherbodymeltedintomine.Icouldfeelmyselfgrowinghardatthefeelof

herbodyagainstmineandallIwantedhertodowasliftherdressupandpullherpantiestotheside

soIcouldtakeher.Ididn’tevencarethatwewerestillinthestreet.Ididn’tcarethatitwouldbe

entirelyinappropriateofmetodoanything.Inappropriateandselfish.

“Whatareyoudoing,Evan?”ShewiggledagainstmybodyandIheldherclosertome.“Wasthis

thesurprise?”

“Doyouwantthistobethesurprise?”Iwhisperedagainstherlips,breathingherin.“Doyouwant

metotakeyourightnow?”

“We’reinthestreet.”Hereyeswidened.

“So?”Ibitdownonherlowerlip.“HowhotwoulditbeifIfuckedyourighthereandnow,

quickly,soquicklythatnoonewouldevenknow?Onlyus.”

“I’mnotanexhibitionist.”Shetriedtostepback,andIwatchedassheswallowedhard.“Iwould

neverdothat.”

“I’msuretherearemanythingsyousaidyou’dneverdobefore.”Igazedintohereyes.

“Likesleepwithmykinda-boyfriend’sdad?”

“Yeah,likethat.”Myheartdropped.Ireallydidn’twanttokeepthatliegoinganymore,butI

didn’tknowhowtoletherknowthetruth.

“Idon’twanttokeepdoingthingsIdon’tthinkIshouldbedoing.”Shelickedherlipsnervously.

“Whynot?”Myhandsslidupherwaistandtowardsherbreasts.

“Becausethat’snotwhoIam.”

“That’snotwhoIameither.”

“You’reaplayer,”shesaidsoftly.“You’replayinggameswithme.”

“You’replayinggameswithmeaswell.”

“Idon’tknowwhatwe’redoinghere.”ShesighedandIcouldseeshewasstartingtothinktoo

much.

“NeitherdoI,butmaybewedon’thavetoknow.”

“Yeah,maybewedon’thavetoknow.”Shemadeaface.“WhatamIdoing?”Shemadeamoaning

noiseandlookedupatme.“IthinkImightbecrazy.Likecertifiablycrazy.”

“Why?”

“BecauseI’mherewithyouandIhavenoideawhatwe’redoingorwhatI’mdoingandIjust

don’tknow.”Shegroanedandlickedherlipsnervouslyagain.“Idon’tevenknowwhyI’mtelling

youthis.”

“I’mgladyou’retellingme.I’mgladyou’reopenwithme,”Itoldherhonestly.

“Why?”sheasked,battinghereyelashesupatme.

“Idon’tknow.”Isighedandthenpulledaway.Ireacheddownandgrabbedherhand.“Comewith

me,though.Iwanttotakeyousomewhere.”HerhandfeltsmallandwarminmineandIheldittighter

asIledhertooneofmyfavoriteplacesinthecity.

“Wherearewegoing?”

“You’llsee,”Isaidaswewalked.WegottotheparkentranceandIsawtheconfusedlookonher

faceasIescortedherthroughthegates.

“We’regoingtothepark?”sheaskedmeasshewalkedquickly.

“Don’tyoulikefeedingducks?”Iteased.

“Whatarewegoingtofeedtheducks?”shesaidslowly.“Andaretheyevenawakerightnow?”

“Hmm,that’sagoodpoint,”Isaidwithalaugh.“Iwasgoingtofeedyoutotheducks,butmaybe

they’resleepingrightnow.”

“Youweregoingtofeedmetotheducks?”shesaidbreathlessly.

“Yeah,butIdecidedIwantedtohaveyoualltomyself.”

“Soyou’regoingtofeedmetoyourself?”shesaidslowlyandthenlaughed.“Doesthatsentence

evenmakesense?”

“Ifyou’reaskingifI’dliketoeatyou,thentheanswerisyes,andyesitmakessense.”

“Oh,”shesaidbreathlessly,andIlaughed.

“Don’tworry,that’snotwhat’sgoingtohappenrightnow,though.We’renotabouttogoandhave

orgasmsinthegrass,thoughIthinkthatwouldbeamazingfun.”

“Evan,”shegroaned.

“That’smyname.Nexttimeyousayit,you’llbescreaming.”

“Evan,”shesaidagainsoftlyandgiggled.“Sorry,notscreaming.”

“Funny.”Ilaughed.“Let’sseeifyou’llbegigglinglater.”

“Why,what’sgoingtobehappeninglater?”

“You’llsee,”Isaidandthenstoppedsuddenly.“Okay,closeyoureyesnow.”

“Closemyeyes?”Shelookedatmewithwideeyes.“Why?”

“Because…”

“Becausewhy?”

“BecauseIsaidso.”

“That’snotagoodenoughreasonformetoclosemyeyes.”

“Stopbeingdifficult,Jess.”

“I’mnotbeingdifficult.”Shemadeafaceatme.“You’rethedifficultone.TellmewhyI’m

closingmyeyesandthenI’lldecideifIwanttodoit.”

“Justtrustme.”

“WhyshouldItrustyou?”

“BecauseI’maskingyouto,quitenicelyaswell.”

“Andthat’sagoodenoughreason?”

“Ithinkso?Don’tyou?”

“You’vealreadyliedtomeonce.”Shemadeafaceatme,andIalmostlaughedatthecute

expressionshewasmaking.Iwouldhavelaughedifthetruthofthematterwasn’tthatI’dactuallylied

tohermorethanonceandthatthebiggestliewasstilloutstanding.HowcouldItellherthat?Ijust

couldn’ttellherthat.

“Jess,please?”

“Fine.Fine.Fine.”Sheputherhandsonherhipsandglaredatme.“Ifyoudumpmeinanywater,I

willscreamandnevertalktoyouagain.”

“WhywouldIdumpyouinanywater?”

“Idon’tknow.”Shepursedherlips.“ButIknowyouguys.Youalwaysdodumbthings.”

“I’vedoneplentyofdumbthingsinmylife,yes.ButIpromiseyouthatIwillnotbedumpingyou

inanywatertonight.”

“Okay,good,”shesaidandthenslowlyclosedhereyes.“Oh,myGod,”shemumbledasIgrabbed

herhandsandstartedguidingherslowly.“IhopeIwon’tregretthis.”

“Youwon’t,”IsaidandthenstartedhummingFrankSinatra’ssong,“StrangersintheNight”.Ifelt

quitecalmandhappy,andoddlyexcited.Iwasn’tsurewhy,butIwasenjoyingmyself.Iwasenjoying

beinginthismoment.Andithadnothingtodowithmysexualattractiontoher.Ithadnothingtodo

withmewantingher.ItwasjustthatIenjoyedhercompany.Shewasagirl.AndIwasaboy.Andwe

hadthisweirdconnection.Andwhileitwasdefinitelyweird,itwasuniqueandspecialandIdidn’t

wanttoquestionit.Orher.Ijustwantedtobeinthismomentandenjoymyself.Ididn’twanttothink

aboutwhatwasgoingtohappenifandwhenshefoundoutthetruth.IknewIwasgoingbackand

forthonwhatIshouldexpectfromherandhowIshouldtreather,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.WhileI

knewthebestthingforherwouldbetoforgetme,IalsoknewIdidn’twanttojustgiveherupthat

easily.Itwastoohard.Itwasn’tsomethingIwantedtodo.Ijustdidn’tknowhowtocontinueinthis

situation.Ididn’twanttobeselfishandhurther,butIalsojustcouldn’tgiveherup.Shewaslikea

drugtome.ShewassomethingIwasalreadycraving.Ineededforhertobesomepartofmylife.In

thismoment.JustuntilI’dhadenoughofher.OnceI’dhadenoughofher,thenIcouldgiveherup

andeverythingwouldbeokay.Ijustwasn’tsureifthatmeantbothofuswouldbedevastatedbythe

end.IknewIwasahorribleman.Iknewthatineveryfiberofmybeing.However,Ijustdidn’tknow

howtonotbethatman.I’dbeenhimforallofmylife.

“Youcanopenyoureyesnow,”Isaidaswereachedtheswingsthatoverlookedoneoftheponds

inthepark.

“Icanbarelysee,”shesaidassheblinkedandhereyesadjustedtothedarkness.“Oh,theswings?”

“Yeah,doyoulikeswings?”Iasked,notsurewhatshewouldthinkaboutthem.

“Yeah,swingsarefun.”Shelookedatmeandgavemeasmallsmile.“AlyssaandIactuallyliketo

goswinginglateatnightforfun.”

“Really?”Isaidwithasmallsmile.

“Yeah,it’sfun.Exhilarating.There’saswinginEcuador,whereyou’reactuallyswingingoverthe

city.We’dlovetogothereoneday.”

“IthinkI’veheardofit.”Inoddedaswegotontotheswings.

“Yeah,itlookssuperscary,butreallycoolaswell,”shesaidasshestartedgainingmomentum

andmovingbackandforthfaster,herhairandskirtflyinginthewindasshestartedmovinghigher

andhigher.

“Yeah,thatwouldbesupercool.”

“Didyouknowthereareeightthousandstarsintheskyrightnow?”Jesssaidbreathlesslyasshe

swungbackandforthontheswing.

“Exactlyeightthousand?”IsaidteasinglyasIglancedoverather.

“Yes,exactlyeightthousand.”Shelaughed.

“Howdoyouknowthereareexactlyeightthousandstars?”

“BecauseIcountedthemall.”Shegiggled,thesoundmakingmefeelwarminside.

“That’salotofcounting,”Isaidwithasmirk.

“DidyouthinkIcouldn’tcountthathigh?”

“Idon’tknowwhattothink.”Ilaughedasshescrunchedupherfaceinthemoonlight.

“You’remean,”shesaidasshecontinuedswinginghigherandhigherandlaughed.“IfeellikeI’m

flyingrightnow.”

“Soyou’rehavingfun?”Isaidhopefully,wonderingifshewasreallyenjoyingthesimple

pleasureofswingingontheswing.

“Yes,”shesaidsimply.“Iam.”

“I’mglad,”IsaidasIkickedmylegsoutandstaredatthestarsinthesky,whileweswungin

companionablesilenceandsynchronization.IstaredupatthemoonandwonderedifNeilArmstrong

hadgazeddownatEarthandwonderedwhatthebillionsofhumanbeingsweredoingandthinkingas

hewalkedonthemoon.

“YouknowwhatIthinkaboutsometimes?”Jessinterruptedmythoughts,hervoicesoftasher

hairflappedinthewind.

“No,whatdoyouthinkaboutsometimes?”Iaskedhercuriously.

“Iwonderifthere’saGodandifhe’slookingatmeandwonderingwhatI’mdoingwithmylife.”

“Whatdoyouthinktheansweris?”Iaskedhercuriously.

“Imean,Idon’treallyknow,”shesaid.“ButI’dliketothinkthatthereis.I’dliketothinkthathe’s

watchingoverme,guardingme,protectingme.”

“Yeah,that’sanicethoughttohave.”

“You’renotabeliever?”Sheglancedoveratmeassheswayedbackandforth,hervoicecarrying

inthewind.

“Idon’tknowifIbelieve,”Isaidhonestly.“Ihavemanydifferentthoughtsinmymind.”

“Goodthoughtsorbadthoughts?”

“Both.”

“Isee,”shesaid,andIwatchedasshestartedslowingherselfontheswing.

“Youseeandknowalottonight.”

“WhatcanIsay?I’manaturallyinquisitiveperson.”

“Suresoundslikeyouare,”Isaidandstartedtoslowmyswingdownaswell.“That’sreally

good,”Icontinued.“Ilikepeoplewhoquestionlife.”

“Thanks,pops,”shesaidandthenlookedatme.“Oops,that’skindofawkward.”

“Onlyifyouwantittobeawkward,”Isaidwithasmallsmile.IfonlysheknewthatIwasalot

closerinagetoherthanshethought.

“Idon’twantitbeawkward.”Shegroaned.“Ithinkyou’retheonewhomadeitawkwardbybeing

Pierce’sdad.”

“Youcanalwayscallmebigdaddyifyouwant.”

“Evan,that’sgross.”

“Oh,justdaddy.”Ilaughed.“Youcouldscreamout‘go,daddy,go’.”

“You’resick,youknowthat,right?”Hervoicesoundedshocked.“That’snotevenfunny.”

“Notevenalittlebit?”Ilaughed,knowingthatsheprobablythoughtIwassomesortofpervert

withallthedaddyjokes;especiallybecauseshethoughtIwasactuallythedaddy.Iwasdefinitely

goingtogotohellandtherewasgoingtobenoreturnticketback.

“Notevenalittlebit.”

“Fuckmeharder,daddy.Oh,yeah.Oh,yeah,”Isaidloudly,andshescreamed.“You’resucha

pervert,Evan.Thatisabsolutelydisgusting.”

“Aww,man,areyoucallingmeapervert?”Iputonasadvoice.

“Whatdoyouthink?Ithinkyourcommentsarehighlyinappropriate.”Jessdidn’tsoundpleased.

“Iwasjoking,”IsaidandeventhoughIwantedtomakeanotherdaddyjoke,Ikeptitinside,

knowingshereallywouldn’tappreciateit.

“Uhhuh,”shesaid.

“Imean,youcancallmewhateveryouwantinthebedroom.Iwon’tjudgeyou.”

“Evan,”Shegroaned.

“That’smynameandyoucan’twearitout.”

“You’resoimmature.SometimesIfinditreallyhardtobelievethatyou’readad.”

“Oh,yeah?”Isaidsoftly.That’sbecauseI’mnot,Ithoughtinmyhead,wishingIcouldtellher.

Wishingshewouldjustfigureitout.Wishingwecouldjokeaboutit,likesomesortofprolonged

reallybadAprilFooljoke.

“Yeah,”shesighed.“ButIguessI’mtheidiotfornotfiguringitout.”

“You’renotanidiot,”Isaidsoftlyandlookedbackatthesky,wonderinghowwewereevergoing

togetoutofthissituation.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”Jessaskedmequietlyafterafewminutesofsilence.

“Shouldn’tIbeaskingyouthatquestion?”Irespondedtoher,notwantingtotellherthatIwas

thinkingabouther.

“Don’tdeflect,”shesaid.“Youdothatalot,ortryandmakeajokeoutofasituationortryand

teaseme.”

“Youdon’tlikemeteasingyou?”Iasked.“WouldyoupreferthatItickleyouinstead?”

“Evan,”shesighed.

“Jess,”Isighed,mimickingher.

“Evan,comeon.”

“Jess,comeon.”

“Evan!”

“Jess!”

“Stopit.”

“Stopit,”Irespondedandlaughed.

“You’resuchachild.”Shehuffed.

“You’resuchachild.”Ihuffedbackandwatchedasshejumpedoffofherswing.“Whereareyou

going?”Ijumpedoffofmyswingandfollowedbehindher.

“I’mgoinghome.Ifyou’renotgoingtohaveaproperconversationwithme,thenwhyshouldI

bothersittinghere,playingthesegames?”

“Whatgames?”

“Evan,Ithoughtthewholepointofusgettingtogethertonightwastodiscusswhatwasgoingon

andseewherethiscouldgo?”Hervoicetrailedoff.“Well,notwherethiscouldgo,butexactlywhat

wehavebetweenus.Notthatwehaveanything,butyouknowwhatImean.”

“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”Iaskedherseriously,standinginfrontofher,myheartbeating

quickly.Ididn’twanttohurther.Ireallydidn’twanttohurther.That’sallIknew.Evenifthatmeant

hurtingmyself.Evenifitmeanthurtingheralittlebit.Ididn’twanttobreakherheart.Ididn’twant

hertofallformemorethanshealreadyhad.Ididn’twanttocauseheartache.Ineededtoremember

that.IneededtorememberthatasmuchasIwantedher.Andneededher.Andwantedtoseewherethis

couldgo,Ineededtothinkofherfirst.I’dalreadyplayedhertoomuch.Ididn’twanttobethereason

forheartacheandtears.Icouldn’tbe.Ididn’twanttobe.Itwasn’tfair.Myheartwouldn’tallowthat.

Notwhenshewasstandinghere,bigwidebrowneyesinfrontofme,lookingdeepintomysoul,

wantinganswerstoquestionsshewastooafraidtoask.Herlipswerequiveringslightly,waitingtobe

kissed.Herfingersweretrembling,waitingtobeheld.Shewaslookingupatmewithhopeinher

eyes,andIcouldfeelmyheartdroppingintomystomach.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Ijustdidn’tknow

whattodo.Iwasalreadyintoodeep.Wewerebothintoodeep.Therewasgoingtobenowaywe

couldextricateourselvesfromthismomentwithoutanypain.Itwasalreadytoolateforthat.

“W

CAN

’

BACK

toPierce’s,”Jesssaidbreathlesslyaswewalkedalongtheemptystreets,hand-in-

hand.

“Whynot?”Isaid.“He’soutoftown.”

“Itjustdoesn’tseemright.”

“Well,wecantalkthere.Ithoughtyouwantedtotalk.Unlessyouwanttogobacktoyourplace.”

“No,weshouldn’tgobacktomyplace,”shesaidquickly.“Alyssaishome.”

“Andshedoesn’tlikeme,huh?”Isighed.

“No,shedoesn’t…well,Idon’tknowthatshedoesn’tlikeyou,perse,”shesaidquickly.

“Shedoesn’tlikeme.”Ilaughedandshookmyhead.“Ican’tblameher.”

“Fine,wecangobacktoPierce’s.Itjustfeelsweird.”Shemadeaface,andIsqueezedherhand.

“It’sokay.IdothinkyoushouldbreakthingsoffwithPierce,though.”

“Imean,asfarasIwasconcerneditwasalreadyover,”shesaid.“NotthatIfeltwereallyhad

much.Gosh,youmustthinkI’mahorribleperson.”

“IthinkI’mnotreallythepersonwhocouldthinkthat,right?”Isaidsoftly.

“SoexactlywhatarewegoingtotalkaboutwhenwegettoPierce’s?”sheaskedandglancedover

atme.

“Whateveryouwant,”Isaid,thoughmyplanwasn’treallytodomuchtalking.

“Okay,”shesaid,andIcouldtellthatthatwasn’ttheanswershe’dbeenexpecting.Itwasn’treally

theanswerI’dbeenthinkingIwasgoingtogive,either,butIwasallovertheplaceandIdidn’treally

knowwhattodoorsayinthisinstance.Ididn’tknowhowtoactorwhattosaytomakeeverything

betterforbothofus.

“I

JUST

WANT

tokissyou,”Isaidaswesatonthecouch,beersinhand.

“Okay.”Sheglancedatme.

“CanI?”Ilookedatherlips.

“I’msurprisedyou’reasking,”shesaidasshetookaswigofherbeer.“Youdon’tnormallyask.”

“Well,IthoughtI’dbeagentlemantoday.”

“Wow,Ididn’tknowyouhadthatinyou,”shesaidwithagiggleasshelookedupatmeunderher

lashes.

“Ididn’tknowIhaditinmeeither,”Isaidandtookaswigofmybeer.“Iguessfortheright

woman,anymancanbeagentleman.”

“Oh.”Sheglancedatme.“AmItherightwoman?”

“Idon’tknow,areyou?”Isaidwithasmallsmile.

“Whoknows?”ShetookanotherswigofbeerandIreachedoverandgrabbeditfromherand

placeditonthecoffeetableinfrontofus.ThenItookmybeerandplaceditonthetableaswell.

“Iguessneitheroneofus,”IsaidsoftlyasIleanedforwardtokissher.“Butthat’saworryfor

anothertime.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,”Isaidsoftly.“RightnowIjustwanttofeelyoursoftlipsonmine.”

“Oh?”shesaidandgazedatme.

“Yeah.”Ileanedbackandwinkedather.“Orsomewhereelse.Yourpick.”

“Mypick?”Sheglancedatmewithasmallfrown.“Whatdoyoumeansomewhereelse?”She

staredatmeforafewsecondsandthenshookherhead.“You’reapervert.”

“Thankyou.”Igrinnedatherandadjustedmygrowingpackage.“WhatcanIsay?Youmakeme

feelgood—or‘hard’mightbeabetterword.”

“Evan.”

“Jess.”

“Oh,mygosh,you’renotgoingtostartthatagain,areyou?”

“Startwhatagain?”Ilookedatherwithablankface.

“Nothing.”SheshookherheadandIcouldseetheuncertaintyinhereyes.Ileanedforwardand

pressedmylipshardagainstherandpushedmytongueintohermouth.Sheranherhandsthroughmy

hairandpulledslightlyonmylocks,andIranmyhandstoherbreastsandpinchedhernipples

lightly.“Oh,Evan.”

“Youcansayitalittlelouderifyouwantto.”

“Idon’twantto.”Shesquealedasmyfingersreacheddowntoherthighsandupinsideherdress

andtowardsherpanties.

“Iwantyouto,”Igrowledagainstherlips.“Iwantyoutobeasloudasyoucanbe.”

“I’mnotloud.”Shemoanedasmyfingersslippedinsideofherpanties,andsheshiftedonthe

couch.“Evan.”Shesighedandgrippedherlegstogether.

“Yes,Jess?”Imovedmylipstowardsherneckandbitdownandsucked.“Whatdoyouwantmeto

do,Jess?”

“Evan.”Sheclosedhereyesandrestedherheadback,herhandsnowonmyback,fingersdigging

intomyskin.

“Tellmewhatyouwantmetodo,Jess?”

“Don’tstop.”ShemoanedasIstartedtomovemyfingersaway.“Justdon’tstop.”

“Don’tworry,Ihavenoplansonstopping,”Isaid,movingmylipstowardherearandblowing

intoitsoftlybeforeputtingmytongueinherearandthennibblingonherearlobes.“I’mnotgoingto

stopuntilyouscreammynameoutinecstasy.”

“You’dstopthen?”Shelookedconfused.

“No,that’sjustwhenI’llreallygetstarted.”Ilaughedandmovedbackslightly.“Nowstandup,

quickly,Iwanttotakeyourdressoff.”

“Sobossy,”shesaidasshestoodup.

“Isn’tthatwhatyouloveaboutme?”Ipaused.“Notlove-love,ofcourse,butsexy-love.”

“Sexy-love?”ShestaredatmeasIpulledherdressoffofherandundidherbra.

“YouknowwhatImean,”IsaidasIpulledmyshirtoffandthrewitontothefloor.”

“Notreally,”shesaidandsighed.“Wedidn’teventalkyet.”

“Wecanstopandtalkfirstifyouwant.”

“Youknowthat’snotwhatIwantrightnow.”ShegavemeasmallshylookasIplayedwithher

breasts.“Youthinkyou’resoclever,don’tyou?”

“Idon’tknowthatIthinkI’mclever.”Ilaughed.“Iknowit.”

“Witholdagecomeswisdom,huh?”Shelaughed.

“Youshouldknow.Whatdoyouthink?”

“Ithinkyouneedtostoptalkingandstartdoing.”

“Youdon’thavetosaythattometwice,”IsaidasIunbuckledmypantsandpulledthemdown.

“Youwanttotakemyboxersoff?”IgrinnedatherasIstoodthereinfrontofus,bothofusjustin

ourunderwear.Istaredatherbreasts,wantingtoreachoverandsuckonthembutnotwantingtorush

thenight.Iwantedtogoslowly.Iwantedtotantalizeherbody.Iwantedtohavehereverynerve

endingwantingandwaitingtoseewhatIwasgoingtodonext.Iwantedhertobegmetofinallytake

her.Iwantedhertohavethebestorgasmofherlife.Iwantedthistobethenightofherlife.Iwanted

tobeingrainedinherbrainandbodyforever.

“Doyouwantmetotakeyourboxersoff?”sheaskedmewithashysmile.

“Verymuchso,”Isaidandsteppedtowardsher.

“Okaythen,”shesaid,andIwatchedasshesteppedforwardandstoppedrightinfrontofme,

lookingupatmewithasmallsmileasherhandsfelltothetopofmyboxersandgrippedtheelastic.

“I’mgoingtodoit.”

“Good,doit.I’mwaiting.”Iheldmybreathinanticipation.

“I’mdoingit,”shesaid.AndthenIfelthertuggingmyboxersdownquickly.Iliftedupmyright

legandthenmyleftlegandsteppedoutofthemquickly,mycockstandingtoattention.“Someoneis

happytoseeme.”

“Veryhappy.Wouldbeevenhappiertotouchyou.”

“Orformetotouchit,I’mbetting?”sheaskedmewithasmallsmile.

“Well,ifyouwantto.”

“Dependsonwhatyouwant.”

“Iwantitall,”IsaidasIgazedatherbody.“Iwantallofyou.”

“AndI,wantallofyou,”shesaidandthenshedroppedtoherkneesandtookmeintohermouth,

andIfeltlikeIhadbeentransportedtoheaven.IknewIshouldn’tbeinthismomentasmuchasIwas,

butIjustcouldn’tstopmyself.Notwhenitfeltthisgoodbeingwithher.

C H A P T E R 1 9

ess

"Weneedtocometoanunderstanding,"hesaidashegotreadytocatchacab.Ithadbeen

twoweekssinceourdinnerandwe’djusthadanicelunchtogether,andeventhoughIdidn’treally

knowwhereanythingwasgoingbetweenus,Iwasstillfairlycontentinthatheseemedinterestedin

seeingme.Evenif‘seeingme’meantthathemainlyjustwantedtohavesex.Iwasn’tsurehowIfelt

aboutthat,butIknewIjusthadtoacceptwhathewaswillingtogivemeatthispointintime.I

couldn’tmakeitsomethingitwasn’t,nomatterhowbadlyIwantedtodoso.Nomatterthatattheback

ofmymind,IsomehowstillfeltlikeIwasbeingused.

"Anunderstanding?"Iglancedathimandhiscockysmile,andfrowned."Anunderstandingabout

what?"MyheartthuddedasIgazedathim,wonderingwhathewasgoingtosay.CouldhetellIwas

developingfeelingsforhim?CouldhetellIwashopingforsomethingmore?

"Anunderstandingaboutwhatthisisandwhatthisisn't."

"Uhm,okay?"Itriednottorollmyeyesathim.Itriedtoignorethesinkingfeelinginmyheart

andthesuddenheavinessinmystomachandeyesasIlookedathim.

"Idon'twantyougettingthewrongidea."

"WhosaidIhadanyideasinmyheadinthefirstplace?"Ilied,mythroatswellingupandmyface

startingtofeelwarm.Ifeltasiftearswerewellingupinmyeyes.IfeltasifIwantedtojustcrawl

awayfromhim.MybackstartedtoacheontherightsideandIlookedawayfromhim.Iwasn’tsureI

wasgoingtobeabletokeepittogether.

"Idon'twantyoufallinginlovewithme,"hesaid,hisvoicestiffandhiseyesseriousandintense.

Onceagain,Ifeltmyheartdropping.

"Fallinginlovewithyou?"Iscoffedandstaredathislips,myheartpoundinglikeitwasgoingto

jumpoutofmychest.Ididn’twanttofeelthiswayandIdidn’twanttocry.Ijustwantedtocall

Alyssa,butIknewshewouldhavenosympathyforme.Howcouldshe?She’dalreadywarnedmeto

stayawayfromhim.AndIhadn’tlistened.I’dmademybedandnowIwaslyinginit.Iwasinthe

exactsortofsituationthatI’dneverwantedtofindmyselfin.

"I'mnotthesortofguyyoushouldfallinlovewith."Hiseyesnarrowedandhislipsthinned.I

didn’tunderstandwhyhewastellingmethisnow.We’djusthadagreatlunch.We’dbeenhavinga

greatweek.Well,kindof.Itwasn’teverythingI’dhopeditwouldbe.Itstillfeltslightlyawkward.

"Igatheredthatalready,trustme."

"Oh,really?"Hepaused,hisfacestillingashegazedintomyeyesintently."Howdidyougather

that?"

"Whatdoyoucare?"Ishruggedandlookedawayfromhim.Hisblueeyesweremakingmyheart

racetooerraticallyandIcouldfeelmybodygrowingwarm.

"Iwasjustcurious."HesteppedclosertomeandIcouldfeelhisbodyheatbouncingoffofme.

Anditmademejustwanttohavethegroundswallowupanddie.Ortouchhim.Ijustwantedtoreach

outtotouchhim.Iwantedhimtograbme,pullmeintohisarmsandtellmethathewasjustjoking.I

wantedhimtotellmehelovedme.IwantedhimtotellmethathewasjustjokingandthathehopedI

wasfallinginlovewithhimaswell.Iwantedhimtotellmethatfromthefirstmomenthe’dmetme,

he’dknownIwastheone.IwantedthefairytaleandIdidn’tevenknowwhyIwantedthat.OrwhyI

thoughthecouldgiveittome.Ididn’tknowwhyIcaredsomuch.Didn’tknowwhyI’dletmyselffall

inlovewithamanwhowaseverythingIshouldn’twantinaman.Whathadheshownmeordonefor

methatmademethinkhecouldbethekeeperofmyheart?Iwasadumbass.Arealdumbass.Andit

mademehatemyself.Really,reallyhatemyself.

"Curiositykilledthecat,"Isaid,stoppingmyselffrommovingbackandawayfromhim.Ididn't

wanttolethimseehowmuchheaffectedme.Howmuchhemademewanttoretreat.Howmuchhe

washurtingmyfeelingsrightnow.Ididn’twanthimtoseehowbadlyIwantedtocry.

"Ijustwanttomakesureyoudon'tfalltoohardforme,"hesaid,staringatmylips,andI

swallowed.Pleasedon’tcry,Jess,pleasedon’tcry.That’sallIcouldthinktomyself.Pleasedon’tcry.

"Myconcernisthatyoudon'tfalltoohardforme,"Isaidsoquietlythatitwasalmostawhisper.

Whycan’tyoufeelthesamethingformethatIfeelforyou?Howwasitpossibleformetofeelso

muchsoquickly,andforhimtoseeminglyfeelnothing?Howwasitpossibleformetofeelsucha

connection?Ididn’tunderstandhowhecouldstareintomyeyesandintomysoulandyetnotfeelthe

samepangsofloveandadorationthatIfelt.Howwasitpossibleforhimtobeinmymindallthe

time?Howwasitpossibleformetowanttospendeverysecondwithhim?Howwasitpossiblethat

heneverwantedtospendthatmuchtimewithme?

"Oh?"Hefrowned.

"Yeah,Idon'twantyoutofallinlovewithme,"Ilied."Idon'twantyoutogethurt."Iwantyouto

beashurtasIamrightnow.IwantyoutofeelthepaininyoursoulthatIfeelinmine.Iknewthatwas

wrongofme.ButIjustwantedhimtofeel.Ijustwantedhimtoknowthathewasputtingmethrough

hell.AndIdidn’tevenknowthatheknewwhatthatfeltlike.Ididn’tevenknowifheknewwhatitfelt

liketothinkofsomeoneallthetime.ApartofmefeltlikeIwaspossessedbythoughtsofhim.Apart

ofmefeltlikehewasapartofmybody.Apartofmefeltlikehewasinmysoulinmymind.AndI

hatedit.IhatedfeelinglikehewasallIcouldthinkabout.IhatedthinkingIwouldnevergethimout

ofmysystem.Becausehewasapartofmysoulandbody,andjustbeingaroundhimmademefeel

happy.Justbeingaroundhimmademefeellikeeverythingwasgoingtoberightintheworld.He

mademethinkeverythinginlifewasgoingtobefine.NomatterhowsadorupsetIwas.Nomatter

howbadlymydayhadgone.Justseeinghissmilemademefeellikeeverythingwasgreat.Isawbirds

inthesky,Isawbutterfliesflying.Isawthesunshiningongreydays.Everythingwasgood.And

whenhewasn’taround,Ifeltdeep,dark,soulless.AndIcried.IcriedsomanytearsthatIthoughtI

wasgoingtodie.AndIknewitdidn’tmakesense.Iknewitdidn’tmakesensethatnotbeingwithhim

mademefeelsuchwithdrawal.AnditpainedmetothinkofadaywhenIwouldn’tbewithhim.We

weren’tanofficialcouple.Andhehadnevertoldmehelikedmealotorlovedmeorthathewanted

anythingfromme.We’dnevermentionedbeingacouple.HereIwasdreamingofadaywhenwe

wouldbetogetherforever,andherehewastellingmenottogettooclosetohim.Itwaskillingme

inside.LiterallykillingmeandIhadnoideawhattodo.IhadnoideahowtofeelandIwasscaredI

neverwouldbeabletogetoverhim.AndIhadnoonetotalktoaboutit.Noonewhowould

understandjusthowmuchIlovedhim.HowcouldIloveamansomuchwhohadnevergivenme

anything?HowcouldIloveamanwhodidn’twantmeasIwantedhim?Ijustdidn’tunderstandit.

"Hurt?"HelickedhislipsslowlyandIcouldtellhewastakenabackbymywords.

"Yeah,whenyourealizeyoucan'tlivewithoutme."Ipaused."I'dhatetobreakyourheartwhenI

walkaway."Whichwasalie.Ididwanttobreakhisheart.IwantedhimtorealizeIwasthebestthing

thathadeverhappenedtohim.IwantedhimtoknowI’dhadtowalkawaybecausehehadmademe.I

wantedhimtoregreteverything.Iwantedhimtowishhe’dneverhadthisconversationwithme.How

couldhebringupthesewordstome?Howcouldhehurtmelikethisandlooksononchalantashedid

it?Howcouldhelookatotherwomen?Howcouldhetalktootherwomen?Howcouldheflirtwith

otherwomen?Withmethere?Washetryingtohurtme?Didhenotcareaboutmyfeelings?Ijust

didn’tunderstandwhyIwasn’tenough.Ididn’tunderstandwhatIhadtodo.Ididn’tunderstandwhy

hecouldn’tfeelthesamewayasme.I’drecentlystartedprayingagain.I’dstartedprayingthathe’d

wakeuponedayandrealizehewasbeingafool.Iprayedwitheverythinginmypowerthathecould

justlovemeasmuchasIlovedhim.Andsomedays,somedays,whenhiseyeslitupwhenhesawme,

Ireallythoughthefeltthesameway.Ireallythoughttodaywasgoingtobetheday.Ireallythought

thatsomehowithadclickedinhim.Howcouldhenotfeelwhatwehadbetweenuswasreal?How

couldhenotknow?IstoodthereinfrontofhimandIfeltlikeIjustwantedtofallontotheground

andcry.Iwantedtograbhislegs.Iwantedtoholdhimsohecouldn’tgoaway.Iwantedtotellhim,to

beghim,topleaseloveme.Toaskhimwhyhedidn’t.Iknewitwaspitiful.IknewIwaspitiful.Iknew

everythingIwasfeelinginsidemademealoser.AndIhatedthataboutmyself.BecauseIknewwhat

Alyssahadsaidwasright:hedidn’tcareaboutme,notinthatway.Heneverwasgoingtocareabout

meinthatway.AndallIhadwasmoreheartachecoming.WitheverydaythatIhadhope,allIwas

doingwaslettingmoreheartachein,lettingmorepainin.

"Walkaway?"HisfingerstouchedmychinandpushedmyfaceupsothatIwasstaringintohis

eyesagain."Whywouldyouwalkaway?"Hisfacelookeduncertain,notasconfidentandarrogantas

before,andmystomachflippedasIgazedintohiseyes,myfacehotandnerveswhirlinginmy

stomach.

"Whydoyouthink?"Ilickedmylipsnervously.Pleasetellmeyouloveme.Pleasetellmeyou

don’twantmetowalkaway.Please.Please.IfthereisaGod.IfthereisaGod,hewillloveme.Hewill

tellmenow.Hewillprofesshislovetomeandeverythingwillbeokay.Wewillbeokay.Iwillbeokay.

Iwilllaughaboutthis.Abouteverything.Itwillbeastorytotellourkids.Itwillhavebeenworthit.It

wouldallhavebeenworthit.

"Becauseyoulovemetoomuch?"Healmostgrunted,andIstartedlaughing.NotbecauseI

thoughthewasfunnyorbecauseIthoughtitwasfunny,butbecauseitwassoclosetothetruthandI

didn'twanthimtoknow.Ididn'twanthimtoknowthatthisconversationwasalreadytoolate.Ididn't

wanthimtoknowthatIlovedhim.Ididn'twanthimtoknowIalreadyknewthatwheneverwhatever

wehadwasendedIwasgoingtobeheartbroken.Hecouldn'tknow.Iwastooproudforthat.Istarted

laughingsothatIwouldn’tstartcrying.BecauseIknewifIstartedcrying,itwouldbealloverandhe

wouldthinkIwasapsychopath.Orjustcrazyinthehead.WhichIwasalreadystartingtothinkwas

true.

"That'sfunny."Ishookmyheadandsmiledwidely,pretendinganonchalanceIdidn'tfeel."We

don'tneedtocometoanunderstandingbecausethereisnoworryaboutmefallingforyouand

expectingtoomuch."Ireachedoverandtouchedhischest."Ifanyoneshouldbeworried,it'syou.

BecausewhenIwalkaway,you'regoingtorealizethatIwasthebestthingyoueverhad."Hegrabbed

myhandandheldittohischestforafewsecondsandthensighedlightly.

"Don'tplaywithfire,Jess."Heleanedforwardandwhisperedinmyear."Oneofusisgoingtoget

burnedanditsureashellisn'tgoingtobeme."

"It'snotgoingtobeme,either,"IsaidemphaticallyasIpulledawayfromhimandlookedintohis

eyes."I'mnotgoingtofallinlovewithyou."

"Good,"hesaidashestaredatmeandeverythinginhisfacetoldmethathedidn'treallyfeelthat

way.Everythinginhisfacetoldmethathewashurtandthatjustconfusedmeevenmore.Itconfused

mebecauseIdidn’tknowwhattodo.Ididn’tknowhowIwasgoingtocontinuelikethis.Ifhewasmy

Mr.Right,itshouldn’tbethishard.Shouldit?

“S

LYSSA

WON

’

BACK

forafewdays,”Isaidaswesatonthecouchinmylivingroom.“Youcan

stayoverifyouwant.”

“Thanks,”hesaid,notlookingupfromhisphone.Isatnexttohim,willingmyselftonotlook

downathisphone.Ididn’twanttobenoseyandIdidn’twanttomakemyselfupset,buthehadbeen

textingforthelasthourwithsomeoneandbarelylookingatme,anditwasdrivingmecrazy.

“Soareyougoingtostayover?”Iaskedfeebly.“Ithoughtmaybewecouldgotothiscoolbrunch

placeinthemorning.Thisplacecalled‘Mama’sonWashington’.”

“Eh,don’tthinkIcanstayover.”Helookedupatmeandshrugged.“Butthanks.”

“Oh,okay,”Isaid,feelingdisappointed,andIglanceddownathisphonescreen.Myheart

droppedasIsawaphotoonthescreenofsomebeautifulwomanandabunchoftextsbackandforth

betweenthetwoofthem.Itriedtolookawayfromthescreen,butIcouldn’tstopmyselffromreading

hislastmessagetoher.“Beautifulphoto,thanksforsharing.”Myheartsank.AndIcouldfeelthe

stirringsofjealousyinmysoul.Ilookedawayfromthephone,wantingtomakeacommenttohim

butnotknowingwhattosay.WhatcouldIsay?DidIhavearighttosayanything?Ilookedbackdown

atthescreenandreadsomeoftheothermessages.“Busytonight,butmaybetomorrow?”Wasthe

messagebeforethephoto?“Maybethiswillmakeyouchangeyourmind,”wasthemessagethat

accompaniedthephotoshe’dsenthim.Itriednottostareatherfaceandherbody.Shewasyoungand

beautiful.Really,reallybeautiful.Icouldn’tstopmyselffromstaring.Icouldn’tstopmyselffrom

feelinginadequate.Maybethiswaswhyhedidn’tloveme.Iwasn’tprettyenough.Iwasn’tenough.I

wasnevergoingtobeenough.NomatterwhatIdid.NomatterwhatIsaid.Itwasobvioustomein

thatmomentthatnothingwasgoingtochange.Ever.Hewasn’tgoingtowakeupandtellhimselfhe

wasinlovewithme.Thatwasnevergoingtohappen.Itwasn’tsuddenlygoingtohithim,likeitdid

inthemovies.Themoviesweren’treality.Hejustwasn’tthatintome.Hedidn’tcare.Hedidn’tcareat

all.Hedidn’tloveme.Heneverwould.He’dbeensittingherewithme,laughingandtextingbackand

forthwithsomehotgirl.Basicallyflauntingitinmyface.Likehedidn’tcareatall.Hedidn’tcareifI

saw.Maybehewasdoingitonpurpose.MaybehewantedtomakeitcleartomethatIknewhedidn’t

care.HewantedtomakesureIdidn’tfallinlovewithhim.HewantedtomakesureIknewhecould

dobetterandhewasandthatImeantnothingtohim.Isatbackinthecouchandclosedmyeyes,

tryingtobreathedeeplyandnotcry.AllIcouldseewasthegirl’sfaceinmymind.AllIcouldthink

aboutwasthemkissing.Himtouchingher.Himwantingher.Himthinkingabouther.Himstaringat

herinwonder.Himtellingherhelovedher.Himthinkingshewaseverything.Himjustthinkingshe

waseverythingIwasn’t.BecauseobviouslyshewaseverythingIwasn’t.Shewastheonehewanted.

Shewastheonehecaredabout.Andwhywouldn’the?Shewasgorgeous.Shelookedsexyashell.I

betshedidn’thaveanyinsecurities.Imean,anygirlwhocouldsendaphotolikethatofherselfdidn’t

haveanyinsecurities.Shewaseverythingamancouldwant.Unlikeme.

“Hey,what’swrong?”EvantouchedmelightlyontheshoulderandIlookedoverathim.

“Nothing,why?”

“Youwentquiet.”Hiseyeslookeddownatmyfaceandhelookedconcerned.

“I’mfine.”Ishrugged.“Ididn’thavemuchtosay.Youwerebusytexting.”

“I’msorryIcan’tstayovertonight.Ihavethingstodo.”

“Yeah,I’msure.”

“Sorry,I’mabusyguy.”Helookedannoyed.“Ican’tbewithyouallthetime.”

“Idon’texpectyoutobewithmeallthetime.Ibarelyseeyou.”

“Iseeyoualot.IprobablyseeyoumorethanIseemostotherpeople.”

“Cool,”Isaidandlookedawayfromhim.

“Itoldyounottogettooinvestedinme,Jess.”Hesighed.“IgiveyouasmuchasIcan.”

“IknowandI’mnot.”Ijumpedupoffofthecouch.“Doyouwantadrink?I’mgoingtothe

kitchennow.”

“No,I’mgood.”HeshookhisheadandIcouldfeelhiseyesonmeasIwalkedoutoftheroom.

ItriednottocryasIreachedthekitchen.Itriednottobreakdown.ItwasmyownfaultthatIwas

hurt.Itwasn’tlikewe’dhadagreatstart.I’dneverthoughthewassomegreatguy.Ishouldhave

knownthateverythingwasgoingtobecomplicated.Imean,yes,ithadbeenfunforabit,butreally

whatdidthatmean?Ishouldhaveknownnothingfunandexcitinglastsforlong.Imean,whywould

it?Thisislifeandmylifehasnevergonesmoothly.Andit’snotEvan’sfaultIhadfallenforhim

hook,line,andsinker.Itwasn’thisfaulthewasallIcouldthinkabout.Itwasn’thisfaultInownoticed

allofthewomenthathehitoneverytimewewereout.Itwaslikebloodyclockwork.Everytimea

girlwalkedby,hiseyeswouldrushtothemsohecouldcheckthemout.Everysingletime.Itdidn’t

matterwhatthegirllookedlike,buttheprettiertheywerethelongerhiseyeswouldremainonthem,

andthenhewouldlookbackatmelikeitwasnothing,likehewasn’trippingmyheart.LikeIwasn’t

jealousofeverysinglegirlthathecheckedout.Ipretendeditdidn’tmakemefeelinferior.I

pretendedjealousydidn’tstrikethroughmyhearteverysingletime.Itwasmyownfault.Ideservedto

bejealousandupsetandinsecureafterwhatI’ddone.I’dsleptwithmyboyfriend’sdad.Imean,it

wasn’tlikeI’dknownatthetime.Itwasn’tlikeI’dknownanything.Butthatdidn’texcuseit.BecauseI

hadthoughtthatEvanwasPierce’sfriendandsoevenifIhadn’tknowntheirexactrelationship,Idid

knowtheykneweachother.Andeveniftheyhadn’tknowneachother,itstillwouldhavebeenshady.I

meantechnicallyIcheatedonmyboyfriend,eventhoughI’dneverpersonallycaredforPierceinthat

wayandhadn’treallyconsideredhimmyboyfriend.Imeantechnicallythatdidn’tcountbecauseI’d

neveralertedPiercetothatfact.AndnowhereIwas,scornedbyPierceanddatingamanwhodrove

mecrazyandIcouldn’tevensayanythingbecauseIdidn’twanthimtothinkIwascrazy.Hehadn’t

promisedmeanything.Infactourwholedynamichadbeenbuiltuponadangerousflirtation.Maybe

hewasn’teveninterestednowthathehadmeandthatdangerwasgone.Thoughitsurprisedmethat

he’dbeenwillingtogothroughallofthisjustforsomesex.Imean,I’dbeenhisson’sgirlfriend.In

realityhewasreallytheshadyone.ThoughinrealityhewastheoneIwanted.Badly.IthinkIknow

theexactmomentIlosttheupperhandintherelationship.IknowtheexactmomentIrealizedthat

perhapsIwasn’tgoingtohaveafairytaleending.Itwasreallyasimplething.Itshouldn’thavemeant

anything,butitdid.ItwaswhenIsawhimusinganewhandkerchief.I’dnoticedthathe’dbeenusing

theonehe’dtakenfrommeinourfirstmeetingconsistently.EverysingletimeIsawhim,hehadthat

handkerchief.Itsymbolizedsomethingtome,mademethinkthatperhapsIwassomeonespecial.And

then,thenonedayInoticedhimusingadifferenthandkerchief,onethathadhisinitials

monogrammedinnavyblueinthecorners.AndwhenIsawthat,myheartdropped.Itdroppedinto

mystomachandIknewthenthatIwasmuchmoreinvestedinthiswholethingthanhewas.Iknew

thenthathemeantsomethingreallyspecialtome.Whoknewthatahandkerchiefcouldmakemefeel

somuch?ItwassohardformetounderstandwhyhehadstoppedusingthehandkerchiefI’dgiven

him.ButnowIrealizedthatithadn’tmeantanythinginthefirstplace.Muchlikeeverythingelse.Ihad

builtitallupinmyhead.Allinmyhead.AndnowIwasdrivingmyselfcrazy.BecauseIwascrazy.I

wasanidiot.AndnowIwaspayingtheprice.

“T

HANKS

FOR

MAKING

DINNER

.It’sdelicious.”Evan’sfacelookedrelaxedasheatethelasagnaI’dmade.I

wonderedifhe’sjustcountingdownthehoursuntilhecanleaveandgoandbewiththeotherwoman.

Iwantedtoaskhimwhyhe’shere.Whathewantsfromme.Whyhe’splayingme.ButIdon’t.

“Gladyoulikeit.”

“It’sgreat.Maybeoneofthebestlasagna’sI’veeverhad.”

“Thatsoundslikealie.”Ilaughed,thoughthecommentwarmedme.Iwishnowthatthesaying

aboutfoodbeingthewaytoaman’sheartwastrue.

“WouldIlie?”Hesaysashestuffsanotherforkfulintohismouth.“Actuallydon’tanswerthat.”I

stareatforafewsecondswantingtoaskhimwhathewantsfromme.Andwhathewantsmetosay?

Whatdoeshewantfromusspendingtimetogether?ButIdon’t.I’mscaredoftheanswer.I’mscared

thatit’llconfirmtomethatIshouldwalkaway.AndI’mscaredbecauseIdon’tthinkthatIcan.

“Whatnoanswer?”hesaidandthenIwatchedasheputhisforkdownonhisplateandclearedhis

throat.Istaredathim,withmyeyesburningintohis.Mystomachstartedtodoflip-flopsandIcould

feelmyselfgrowingcold.ColderthanI’deverbeenbeforeinmylife.There’sacoldbeforetheheat.

There’saheatbeforetheburning.Andthenitallgoescoldagain.Mybodychangestemperaturesand

Ifeelnumb.He’ssittingacrossthetablefrommeandallIcanthinkaboutisthefactthathedoesn’t

lovemelikeIlovehim.Infact,hedoesn’tcareatall.Iknowhedoesn’tcare.Iknowhewillnever

care.IknowthatmyheartisdestinedtoremainbrokenforeverandIjustdon’tknowwhattodo.I

don’tknowhowtofixit.Idon’tknowhowI’llevergetoverthisfeeling.Idon’tfeelliketherewill

everbeabrighterday.IfeelasifI’mgoingtobeforeverbrokenandIdon’tknowhowtogetoverit.

He’stheloveofmylife.WhenIlookintohiseyes,Ifeelathome,Ifeelasenseofkinship.Ifeel

somethingthatI’veneverfeltbefore.Yet,somehowhedoesn’tseemtofeelit.Hedoesn’tgetit.Or

me.HewillnevergetmeorlovemethewayIlovehimandthatmakesmedoubtabsolutely

everythingaboutmyself.TherearedaysIwakeupandIjustwanttodie.TherearedaysthatIfeelI

willneverbeabletolivethelifeIwantifhecan’treciprocatemyfeelings.Ijustdon’tunderstandwhy

hedoesn’t.Itdoesn’tmakesensetome.He’sallI’veeverprayedfor.He’sallI’veeverwanted,and

yet,it’snotenough.I’mnotenough.Sittingacrossthetablefromhim,pretendingthatI’mokay,is

killer.Itmakesmewanttocry.Itmakesmewanttoshedsomanytears.Itmakesmewanttobeghim,

pleadwithhim,grabhim.Ijustwanttoknowwhy?Ijustwanttounderstand.IknowtheonlywayI’m

goingtogetoverthisandhimistocuthimoutofmylifecompletely.Iknowtheonlywaymyheart

willhealwillbeifIneverseehimagain.Ican’tseehim.Ican’ttouchhim.Ican’tsmellhim.Ican’t

talktohim.It’salltoomuch.It’stoohard.Idon’tknowhowI’lleverbeabletosurvivewithouthimin

mylife,butIdon’tknowifIcankeeponlivinglikethis,withhimdictatingeveryemotioninmy

body.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”HiswordsinterruptmythoughtsandIlookupathimwithasmall

smile.

“Notmuch,you?”Isaid,hopingmyvoicewasn’tgoingtocrack.“Justwaitingtoseewhatyou

weregoingtosay.”

“JustthinkingabouthowI’dlovetotakeatripsomewhere.”

“Oh?”Isaid,wonderingifhewasgoingtomentiontakingmeonthetripwithhim.Icouldfeel

myheartstartingtorise.Maybethiswasit.Maybethiswasthemoment.

“Yeah,IfeellikeIneedabreak.”Henodded.“Someplaceformetojustrelax.”Hegrinned.“A

relaxationvacation.”

“Aww,Isee.Soundsnice.”Myheartdroppedagain.Itdidn’tseemlikehewasmakinga

suggestionforthebothofus.

“Yeah.”Henoddedagain.“Youshouldtryitsometime.Youmightfindyoulikeitaswell.Might

makeyoufeellessstressedout.”

“Yeah,Iwill,”Isaid,tryingtolooknormal.“I’mnotstressedout,bytheway.”

“Well,youseemtobestressedout.”Hegavemealook.“Maybeavacationwilldoyougood.”

“Yeah,”Isnapped,“Iwillthinkaboutit.”Iwasstartingtofeelangry,atbothhimandmyselffor

lettinghimputmethroughthis.

“Hey,noneedtosnapmyheadoff.”

“I’mnot.It’sfine.I’mjusttired.Maybeyoushouldgosoon.”

“Areyouaskingmetoleave?”

“Yeah,Ikindaam,”Isaid,lookingawayfromhim,startingtofeelcoldagain.Ididn’twanttofeel

thisfeeling.Ididn’twanttofeelthishurt.Ididn’twanttofeelthisemptiness.Iwassittingherewith

him,butIfeltlikeIwasalone.IfeltlikeIwasthemostaloneI’deverbeeninmylife.So,soalone.I

justwantedhimtoleavesoIcouldgotomyroom,lockthedoor,andcrymyeyesout.Ihadtonot

seehimanymore.Ihadtocuthimoutofmylifeforgood.Ifeltastabbinginmygutatthethought.

HowwasIgoingtodothis?Itwouldbelikerippingapieceofmyselfout.Ididn’tknowifIcoulddo

it.Ididn’tknowifIcould,butIknewIhadto.Icouldn’tlivelikethisanymore.Icouldn’tcontinue

staringintohisbigblueeyesandwishinghewouldfeelsomethingdifferentforme.Itwasnever

goingtochange.AndIwasfoolforthinkingitwould.IwasafoolforthinkingIwouldevermean

anythingrealtohim.

“Areyouupsetwithme?”

“No,whywouldIbeupset?”Ijuststaredathimblankly.

“Ifthisisn’tworkingoutforyou…”Hisvoicetrailedoffandhelookedatmeuncomfortably.

“Isitworkingoutforyou?”

“DoyouregretdumpingPierceforme?”

“Whatdoyouthink?”Isnapped,annoyed,wonderingifitwasalwaysgoingtocomebackto

Pierce.

“Idon’tknow.”Heshrugged.“Butyouseemunhappywithme.”

“MybeingunhappyhasnothingtodowithPierce.”Isighed,myvoicegettinglouder.Washe

beingdeliberatelyobtuse?

“Dowehaveanunderlyingissuehere?”Hepursedhislipsandhiseyesnarrowedashelookedat

me.Icouldfeelmybodyalternatingbetweenhotandcold.Didhereallynotgetit?“Ifwedo,maybe

weneedtochangesomething,”hecontinued.

“Changewhat?”Icouldheartheslightpanicinmyvoice.

“Idon’tknow.”Heshrugged.“Butyouwantmetoleave?”

“Idon’tgetyou,Evan.Idon’tknowwhatyouwantfromme.Idon’tknowhowyoufeel.Idon’t

knowwhatthisis.”

“DoyouthinkI’mleadingyouon?”hesaid,hiseyesboringintomineinacoldway.“Doyou

thinkI’mplayingwithyourfeelings?”

“No.”Myfacewentbrightredandfeltincrediblyhot.

“BecauseIdon’twantyoutothinkthat.YouknowwhereI’mcomingfrom.”Hisvoicesounded

coldandmean,andIwasstartingtofeelhatetowardshim.

“Iknowwhereyou’recomingfromandIknowwhereI’mcomingfrom,”Isaid.“Thisisjustfor

fun,Iknowthat.”

“Doyoureally,though?”Hiseyessearchedmineandhisfacelookedslightlyred.

“Yes.”Ibitdownonmylowerlipandlookedawayforafewseconds.Ididn’tunderstandhowwe

couldgofromlovingtocontentiousinmerehours.Ididn’tunderstandthegamehewasplayingwith

me.

“Look,Ihavetogo.”Helookedathiswatch.“Ihaveplanstonight.”

“Sureyoudo.”Istoodupandwalkedtowardsthedoorway.“Bye.”

“Really,Jess?”Hewalkedovertomeandstopped.“It’sgoingtobelikethis?”

“Justgo,”IsaidasIwalkedtothefrontdoor.Icouldhearhimwalkingbehindme,buthedidn’t

sayanything.“Justtellmeonething,”IsaidtohimasIopenedthefrontdoor.

“Yes?”Hisfacelookedsad,andIwasn’tsureIwasgoingtobeabletoholdmytearsbackfor

anothersecond.

“Haveyoubeengoingondateswhileyou’vebeenseeingme?”Iaskedsoftly.“Andareyougoing

onadatetonight?”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”heasked,soundingannoyed.

“Ilookedatyourphonewhenyouweretextingtoday.Isawthescreen.Isawthephoto.Isawthe

text.”Ishrugged.

“Youinvadedmyprivacy?”

“Notonpurpose.”Ishookmyhead.

“Youwereinmypersonalspaceandyoureadmypersonaltextmessages?”hesnapped.

“Itwasn’tlikethat.”Ishookmyhead.“You’retwistingit.”

“Idon’tappreciateyouinmyspaceandbusiness,Jess.”Hesoundedangry.

“Really?You’regoingtotwistthisonmeandmakethismyfault?”Myjawfellopen.“Areyou

joking?”

“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”

“Answermyquestion,”Isnapped.“Areyoudatingotherwomen?”

“We’renotdating,Jess,”hesaidinanangryvoice.“IcandowhatIwant.Buttoansweryour

question,yes,Ihavebeenondates.”

“Isee.”Istaredathim,allblooddrainingfrommyface,allemotionleavingmyheartandIfelt

likeIjustwantedtodie.Havingitallconfirmedmademefeelsicktomystomach.Itrulywasafool.

“Youshouldbedatingaswell,”hesaidashelookedatme.“Goonlotsandlotsofdates.”

“I’mgoingto.I’mgoingtogoonplentyofdatesandIhopetomeetaniceguy,”Isaid,myheart

breaking.“Bye.”Istaredathimandthenthedoorway.

“Bye,”hesaidslowlyashewalkedthroughthedoor.Islammeditbehindhimandrantomy

bedroom,fellonmybedandstartedcryingimmediately.Icouldn’tbelievethewordshehadsaidto

meandhowshittyhehadmademefeel.Worsethanthatwasthefactthathedidn’tevenseemtocare

thathe’dbeencuttingandhurtful.Hedidn’tseemtocarethathewasbreakingmyheart.Howcouldhe

sononchalantlytellmetodateotherguys?Ihatedhim.Absolutelyhatedhim.Iwhippedoutmyphone

andsenthimalongtextmessage.Ihateyou.Ineverwanttoseeyouagain.Idon’tconsideryoua

goodfriend.Orapossibleboyfriend.Youdon’tdeservetobeinmylife.I’moverthisbullshit.

I’vewastedmyenergyinvestinginthissituation.I’vebeenanidiot.Ihateyousomuch.I’mdone.

Ipressedsendandthencriedintomypillowsomemore.Ikeptpressingmyphonetoseeifhe’d

responded,buttherewasnoreply.ThatmademeangrierandevenmorehurtandIthrewmyphone

acrosstheroomandhearditslamintothewallbeforeitcrashedtothefloor.Igrabbedmypillowto

myfaceandsobbedharder,feelinglikemyheartwasbeingwrenchedoutofmychest.Iheardabeep

frommyphoneandjumpedupoffthebed,myheartracingasIwenttocheckmymessages,praying

itwasfromhim.Prayingthatmymessageshadscaredhimtohissenses.Prayingthatnowhewould

sayhewassorry.Thathedidn’twanttodateanyone.Thatheonlywantedtobewithme.Iprayedthat

hewasgoingtoask,goingtobeg,ifhecouldcomebackandtalktome.Ipickedupthephoneandmy

heartsankwhenIsawthetextfrommycreditcardcompanytellingmethatmypaymenthadgone

through.TherewasnotextmessagefromEvan.IlookedbackatmymessagetomakesureIhadhit

send.Ihad.Ipoweredthephoneonandoff,justincase,andthenstaredatitasitpoweredbackon,

hopinganewbeepwouldcome.Nothing.Absolutelynothing.Iwalkedbacktomybedslowly,feeling

depressedandsad,andfellbackonthebedandstaredupattheceiling,myhandonmyphone.I

checkedthescreenincessantly,waitingforhisresponse,yetnothingcame.

Imusthavefallenasleepbecauseabeepingat4a.m.mademewakeup.MyeyesflewopenandI

glancedatmyphone.IsawEvan’snameandIlookedawayfromthephoneforafewsecondsasmy

heartracedandIfeltnervous.Whatwashegoingtosaytomytext?WashegoingtosaywhatI

wantedhimtosay?Itookadeepbreathandopenedthetextandmyheartsankathisreply:Ok.Ithink

that’sforthebest.Thatwasit.Thatwasbloodyit.Hedidn’tcareatall.Notoneiota.Hedidn’tcare.

Thetearsstartedupagain.AndIthrewmyphoneagain,notcaringifitbrokeornot.“Ihateyou,”I

screamedintothenightairofmyroom.“Ihateyou.”ThetearsstreameddownmyfaceandIpunched

mypillow,wantingtohurtsomethingorsomeoneasbadlyasIwasfeelinghurtinside.Evan’sface

flashedintomymindandsadnessfilledme.“Whycouldn’tyoujustloveme?”Iwhisperedtomyself

andthenfearoverwhelmedme.Myfeelingsweresoextreme.Iwasactingcrazyanditscaredme.

WhywasIfeelingso,sohurt?Whywasthisaffectingmesomuch?Wassomethingwrongwithme?

Wasitnormaltolovesomeonethismuch,eventhoughwe’dneverreallyhadarelationship?Itscared

methatIwassoupsetandhurt.ButIcouldn’tignoretheemptinessinmyheart.Icouldn’tignorethe

factthatIfeltlikethingsinmylifewerenevergoingtoberightagain.Icouldn’tignorethefeeling

thatIlovedEvanwitheverythingthatIhad,andknowinghedidn’tfeelthesamemademewanttosink

intoaholeanddisappear.

C H A P T E R 2 0

ess

Hi,Imissyou.Iwanttotalktoyou.Iwanttocallyou.Iwanttotextyou,butIcan't.Ican't

becauseI'mweakandIneedtoletyougo,butit'shardbecauseIloveyou.AndIdon'tknowhowto

stop.It'skillingmeinside.AllIthinkaboutisyou.Youhaveeverypartofmyheart.Youhaveevery

partofme.Idon'tknowhowtoletyougo.Idon'tknowhowtostopthepain.Ijustwanttoclosemy

eyesandimagineyouherewithme.IthinkI'mgoingtodrivemyselfcrazy.IthinkI'vealreadydriven

myselfcrazy.Myheartfeelsweak.Myeyesaredryfromcryingsomanytears.Ifeelemptywithout

youandIcan'teventellyou.

Hi,Iwroteyoualettertoday.Iwroteyoualettertogetitallout.Ithoughtitwouldhelp.Ithought

itwouldmakemefeelbetter.Ithoughtitwouldletmefeellikeeverythingisgoingtobeokay.Butit

didn’t.Itdidn’tatall.Itmademefeelcrazier.WhydoIloveyousomuch?Itdoesn’tmakesense.It

doesn’tmakesensethatIwouldfeelsobetrayed.Sosad.Soangry.Soundeniablyconfusedandlost.

Doyoueventhinkofme?DoIcrossyourmind,ever?

Hi,apartofmefeelslikeyou’remysoulmate.ApartofmefeelslikethereasonwhyIfellfor

youfromthebeginningisbecauseweweremadeforeachother.ButthenIthinkaboutwhatyousaid

tome.AndIthinkabouttheliesyoutoldmeandIthinkI’mwrong.Idon’tknowwhyyoudidn’tcare

enough.Idon’tknowwhyyoudidn’tloveme.Idon’tthinkwecaneverreallyknow?Idon’tknow.I

justdon’tunderstandwhyIcanyouloveyousomuchandyoucanfeelnothing.Imissyou.

Hi,I’msomadatyou.Youhaven’tcalledme.Youhaven’ttextedme.Howcanyoutreatmelike

this?HowcanImeansolittletoyou?Iwanttosendthesemessagessobadly.Iwanttoseeyou.Iwant

youtowanttoseeme.Whydon’tyouwanttoseeme?Whydon’tyouwanttotalktome?DidImean

solittletoyou?HowcouldImeansolittletoyou?Idon’tunderstand.Ijustdon’tunderstand.

Hi,Ithoughtaboutyoutoday.IwonderedifyouhatedmebecauseImadeyouhateyourself

becauseofwhatyoudidtoPierce.Weallmakemistakes.Neitheroneofuswasintheright.Iwish

youwouldcallme.Imissyou.Thisfeelslikeit’ssomeoneelse’slife.Icanbarelygotenminutes

withoutthinkingofyouandtryingtocallyou.Whywon’tyoucontactme?Please.

Hi,Ihaven’tsentanyofthesemessagesandI’mnotgoingtosendthem.I’mtryingtobestrong.

I’mtryingnottocryeverymorningandeverynight.I’mtryingtogetoveritandyou.Ijoineda

datingapp.Ihateit.Ihatemakingsmalltalk,butIknowIneedtogetoutthere.Ineedtomeetaguy.I

needtomeetsomeonethatwillgetmymindoffofyou.It’snotlikewehadanything,butitmakesme

feelguilty.ItmakesmefeellikewewilldefinitelyneverbetogetherifIstartdating,butthenIthink

aboutwhatyousaid.Youwantmetodate.Youwanttodate.Youdon’tcare.Andifyoudon’tcare,

whyshouldI?

Hi,it’sbeenthreeweeksandstillnowordfromyou.Ican’tbelievethatIeverthoughtyouwere

theone.Ican’tbelievethatIthoughtthatIlovedyou.Obviouslythisisn’ttruelove.Thisisnothing.

Nothing.Nothing.I’mdone.I’moveryou.Imissyou.Andyouwillneverknow.You’llneverknow

becauseyoudon’tcare.

HiEvan,

Iwantedtoseehowyou’redoing.Iwroteyouabunchofmessages,butIdidn’tsendthem.Ihope

thisfindsyouwell.Ijustwantedtoreachoutandsaythattherearenohardfeelings.Ijustwantedtobe

honestaboutwhereIwascomingfrom.Youreallyhurtme.Youmademefeellikewehadsomething

specialandultimately,Iendedupfeelingusedandlikeyoudidn’tcare.Iknowweweren’tina

relationship,butstillIfeltlikeyoucouldhavebeenmorerespectfulofmyfeelings.Iputalotintomy

timewithyouandIjustfeltlikeyoudidn’tcare.Ijustneededtogetthisout.Ineededtoletyouknow.

I’msorryifIactedcrazy.I’msorryifyoufeltlikeIinvadedyourprivacythedayIglancedatyour

phone.Ididn’tmeantodothat.Ijustlookeddownandsawit.Anyway,IjustwantedtosaythatI’m

sorryitcametothis.AndI’mkindofupsetthatIhadtobetheonetoreachout.IreallythoughtI

wouldhaveheardfromyoubynow.YoureallyhurtmyfeelingsandI’mnotsurehowyoucoulddo

thatandbeokaywiththat.ButI’mnottryingtomakeyoufeelbad.Ijustwantedtobehonest.

Jess

Ihitsendandimmediatelyregrettedit.IthadbeenamonthofnocontactandIhatedthatIwasthe

weakone.HatedthatIcouldn’tjustmoveon.HatedthatI’dsentanemailthatmademelookpitiful.

HatedthathewouldknowhowmuchIcared.Ihatedit,yet,Iwasstillhopeful.Iwashopefulthathe’d

respond.Iwashopefulthathe’dapologize.Feelbad.Something.

Aftertwodaysofnoresponse.AllhopeleftmeonceagainandIdeletedhisnumberfrommy

phoneandtriednottojumpeverytimeamessagecamethrough.

C H A P T E R 2 1

van

HERE

’

somethingIwishshewouldunderstand.IwishshewouldunderstandthatInevermeantto

hurther.Ineverintendedforhertofallforme.Ineverintendedforhertofallinlovewithme.I

neverwantedthat.Ididn’tseemyselfinarelationship.Ididn’tseemyselfinarelationshipwithher,

especially.Notwithhowourrelationshiphadstarted.Ihadn’tcountedonherfallingformywitand

charmasdeeplyasshehad.Nootherwomanhadbeenabletoputupwithmeandallofmyquirks

before;notthatIhadcared.Iwasstuckinmyways.ThatwaswhyPierceandIhadbeensoimmature

forsolong.Iwasapompousarrogantjerk.That’swhatmostwomensaidaboutme,andtheyweren’t

wrong.Ididn’tcarethatIcameacrossthatway.Ididn’tgenerallycareifwomenbecametooinvested,

butthiswasdifferent.Shewasdifferent.Ididn’twanttohurther.Ihadn’twantedtobreakherheart.I

didn’twanthertobecomeinvestedinmeatall.Iwishedshewouldunderstandthat.Iwishedshe

wouldrealizethatthoughthisstartedasagametome,Ididn’tthinkofitasagame.Ithadjustall

gottenoutofhand.Andfeelingswerehurt.IalmostwishIcouldgobacktothebeginning.IfIcould

goback,thereweremany,manythingsIwouldchange.ManythingsI’dtrytomakeright.Many

thingsI’ddodifferently.Buthindsightisfifty-fiftyandlifeneverseemstogoaccordingtoplan.

IknewIhadscreweduproyallywhenJesskickedmeoutofherapartmentthatday.Ihad

deliberatelybeenflirtingandtextingwithotherwomeninfrontofher.Ihadwantedhertoconfront

me.Ihadwantedhertogetridofme.I’dknownthatwouldbetheeasiestthing.Thebestwayto

extricatemyselffromthesituationwithouthavingtotellherthetruth.Iwasn’tsurewhyI’dthought

thatwouldbethebestway.Iwasn’tsurewhyIhadn’tjusttoldheraboutthelies.IguessI’dbeentoo

scared.Scaredofherreactionandthenscaredofwhatwouldhappennext.Iwasn’treallysurewhat

I’dwantedtohappenbetweenus.

ItriedtocallJessexactlyonceandshehadn’tpickedupthephone,soIknewshewasreallyupset.

SoI’ddecidedtowaitforhertotextmeoremailme.Butshehadn’t.Shehadn’tcalledortexted.

BeingignoredbyJessinfuriatedmeandalmostmademegocrazy.Iwasn’tsurewhyitaffectedme

sobadly.Iwasn’tsurewhatshewantedfromme.ShehadexpectationsthatIwasn’tsureIcouldfulfil.

EverythinghadgottenoutofhandandIknewthathadbeenmyfault.IhadgivenherthetalkthatI

normallygavewomenwhenIthoughttheywerefallingforme.IwouldletthemknowIwasn’t

lookingforanythingserious.Ineverwantedtofindmyselfconfinedtoarelationshiporanother

person.Ididn’tneedthatintimacyorbondtoexist.Didn’tneedit.Didn’tcraveit.Andcertainlydidn’t

wantit.Ididn’twantanyonerelyingonmeforemotionalstabilityorsupport.IknewIwasn’tableto

giveawomantheattentionshewouldwant.IthadneverworkedinthepastandIknewitwasunlikely

toworkinthefuture.Nopartofmehadchangedthatmuchandnopartofmewantedtochange.Itwas

justhowitwas.GrantedI’dnevermetanyonelikeJessbefore.Neverhadsomeonemademefeel

trulyguiltyandworriedabouttheirfeelingsandiftheyweremadatme.Iknewshewassomething

special,someonespecial,butIdidn’tknowexactlywhatthatmeantinasituationlikethis.Whatcould

Ihavesaidtoherthatwouldn’tseemlikeafalsepromiseortoomuchhope?Iwasn’treallysure.I

wantedhertoknowIcaredforher.Ireallyandtrulydid,butIhadn’tknownifIhadanydeeper

feelingsforherandIhadn’tknownifIwantedtohavedeeperfeelings,either.Shewasn’tthesortof

womanIwouldhavechosenformyself.Icertainlydidn’twanttofallintoherspell.Ididn’twantto

fallinlove.Lovewasafoolishman’sgame.AndIwasnofool.Ididn’tloveherandIdidn’twanther

tofallinlovewithme,either.IfeltlikeIhadnorealsolutionstothequandaryIwasin.Iwasannoyed

thatshewasignoringme.Imissedher.Iwantedtoknowwhatshewasdoing,butIdidn’twantto

reachoutbecauseIdidn’twanthertoseethatasanindicationthatIwaswillingtogivehermorethan

Icould.ItpainedmyphysicallytothinkthatIwashurtingher,thatinsomeway,herheartacheddueto

whatI’ddonetoher,butitscaredmemoretothinkabouthavingtocommittoher.Havingtospend

therestofmylifewithher,tryingtomakeherhappy.Itmademewanttothrowup.ItwassomethingI

couldn’tdo.Icouldn’tbethatmaninherlife.Iwasn’ttheguytogiveherthehappilyeverafter.I

wasn’ttheguytogiveherpromisesofsunsetsandrainbowsandblackstallionsridingoffdownthe

beach.AndIdidn’twanthertothinkthatIcouldbethatguyforher.Ididn’twanthertothinkthatI

couldbeherMr.Right.IwasdefinitelynotaMr.Right.IwasaMr.Wrong.Wrongforher.Wrongfor

alifetime.Wrongformanyreasons.Ididn’twantherlikethat.Andyet…yetsometimesIcouldn’t

think,couldn’tsleep,couldn’tevenmusteruptheenergytowatchTVorreadabookbecausemy

mindwasfocusedonherandwhatshe’sbeendoingandwhatshe’sthinkingandwhereshe’sbeen.

SometimesI’msooverwhelmedbythoughtsofherthatitscaresme.ItscaresmethatIcaresomuch.

ItscaresmethatIthinkabouthersooften.Ihonestlydon’tunderstandwhy.Idon’tknowwhyshe’sin

myhead.SometimesIfeellikeshe’sbewitchedme.Iknowmybestbetistofindanotherwoman,bed

another,maybemultipleothers,andhavethemtakeoverthatspotinmymind.Iknowthatmost

womenknewthescore.AndIalsoknewthatmostwomendidn’taffectmelikethis.Ididn’tlikenot

beingincontrol.Ididn’tlikefeelinglikemyheadwasgoingtoplacesthatIdidn’twantittogoto.I

didn’tlikegoingtobedthinkingofherandwakingupthinkingofheranddreamingofher.Ididn’t

wantherinmylifelikethat.Ididn’twantanyoneinmylifelikethat.Iwastooold,toojaded,too

comfortableinmyowninertiatohavesomeonethatdeeplyinmylife.Ididn’twantanyoneinmylife

whowasgoingtoconsumeme.Ididn’twantanyoneinmylifewhowasgoingtomakemeforget

whereIendedandtheybegan.Lovewasayoungman'sgame.Anditwasn’tforme.Iknewthatitwas

bestformetojustletJessgo.IknewthatIcouldgoonandshecouldgoonandwe’dbothsurvive.

She’dprobablyfindtruelove,aguywhowouldloveherandadoreherandshe’dforgetme.Andthat

stung.Itstunghard.ItmademefeellikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Worsestill,itmademefeellikeIdidn’t

wanttobreathe.LikeIdidn’twanttogoon.Andtherewasnothingworsethanthat.Ididn’tevenlike

tothinkofherwithsomeoneelse.Didn’tliketothinkofhersmiling,ortouchinganotherman.It

mademewanttokillsomethingorsomeone.Iknewthatwasn’tagoodsign.Iknewthatthatlikely

meantIwasalreadyindeeperthanIthoughtandwouldhavehoped,butthatwaswhyIwasstaying

away.AslongasIdidn’tfallanydeeper.Ithadstartedoffsolightheartedandfun.Wehadbothknown

thescore.Thiswasnevermeanttobeanything,butsomekinkyfun.Eventhoughourattractionhad

beenimmediate,ithadn’tbeenanythingseriousorachinglydeep.

IhadwantedJesstostopignoringme.UntilI’dgottenhermessage.Hermessagereekedofher

hurtandpainandithurtmeeverytimeIreadit.AndI’dreaditatleasttwentytimesnow.NotthatI’d

respondedyet.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Ididn’tknowhowtorespond.Ijustwantedtotalktoher.See

her.Touchher.Ijustwantedtobewithheronmyterms,butIknewshewasn’treallyinterestedinthat.

Iknewshe’dbeenignoringmebecauseshewasupsetwithme.Iknewtheonlywaytostopherfrom

beingupsetwastouttersomesortofdeclarationofloveorcommitmentthatIdidn’treallywantto

expressatthistime,orever.Ididn’twanttoleadheron.Eventhoughmyheartachedforher.Even

thoughapartofmewantedtotellherthatIwantedtoreachupandpulldowneverystarforher.ThatI

wantedtonameeveryflowerafterher.ThatIwantedtosingsongsandplayriffsanddedicatepoems

toher.Iwantedtotellherthatshewasalwaysinmythoughts,evenwhenIdidn’twanthertobe.Even

whenIwastryinghardtothinkofsomethingorsomeoneelse.Shewasalwaysthere,inthebackof

mymind.Shewaseverythingtome,yetshewasnothing.Shehadtobenothing.Ifshebecamemore,I

wasn’tsurewhatI’ddo.Iwasn’tsurehowI’dfunctionifIbecametotallyconsumedbyandwithher.I

didn’twanthertobeinmythoughtsallofthetime.Iwantedtoregaincontrol.Ididn’twantherto

consumeeveryaspectofmylife.Icouldn’taffordtobeheartbrokenandincomplete.Notagain.I

couldn’triskbeingbrokenbecauseIwasn’tsureI’devergetoverthepainoflosingsomeonelikeher

onceI’dcompletelypossessedher.Iwasn’tsurethatI’deverbeabletoliveifshewasnolongerin

mylifeinsomeway.

IwasscaredinawaythatI’dneverbeenbefore.Ididn’twanttorespondtoher.Ididn’twanttotell

herthetruth.Yet,IknewthatIhadto.Icouldn’tleaveeverythinglikethis.Icouldn’tleaveherinthis

pain.Ihadtobehonestwithher.Evenifthatmeantshewasgoingtohatemeevenmore.Ijustneeded

toseeheronemoretime.Iwasn’tsureifIwasmakingamistake,butIhadtoreachouttoher.Iknew

Ihadtodoit.

DearJess,

Ithinkweshouldmeetupandtalkinperson,ifyou’reupforit.Ihopeyou’vebeenwell.I’vebeen

thinkingofyou.Letmeknowifyou’refreethisweekend.Icanbeavailableatanytimeofthedayon

eitherSaturdayorSunday.

Evan

Ipressedsendandwaited,hopingthatshewouldrespondandwouldwanttoseemesoon.

Though,IhadnoideawhatIwasgoingtosay.Absolutelynoideaatall.

C H A P T E R 2 2

van

Ineverknewthatwaitingforsomeonetoarrivecouldbesonerve-wracking.IneverknewthatI

couldfeelsuchexcitementandfearatthesametime.I’dneverconsideredmyselfananxiousperson.

NeverthoughtthatIcouldbesomeonewhowouldhavemyfeelingsdictatedbysomeoneelse,but

waitingforJesstoarriveattheparksothatwecouldtalkmademefeelnervousasheck.Iwasn’tsure

whatshewasexpecting.Iwasn’tsurewhatshewasgoingtosay.Ifshestillhatedme.Ifshenever

wantedtoseemeagainaftertoday.Maybeshehatedmealready.Ithadtakenheroveraweekto

respondtomymessage.AweekthathadleftmefeelinglikeIdidn’tknowwhatIwasgoingtodowith

mylifeifshedidn’twanttorespond.Ifeltguttedinside,guttedandnervousandguiltyasheck.Ihad

noideawhatshewasgoingtosayorhowshewasgoingtoreact.Ihadnoideawhatshewasgoingto

think.IhadnoideawhatIevenwanted.Imean,inmyheartofhearts,Iknew,butIdidn’twanttoadmit

ittomyself.HowcouldIadmitittomyself?HowcouldIwantsomethingwithheraftereverything

I’ddone?Italsowasn’tinmynaturetowantarelationship.Iwasn’tsureIwasthesortofguywho

couldbeagoodboyfriend.Iwasn’tsurethatIwasthesortofguywhocouldmakeherhappy,atthe

endoftheday.Iwasn’tsureshe’deverreallytrustme.Andwhywouldshe?Iwasn’tagoodguy.I

wasn’tsomeonethatI’dwanthertodate.ThoughIdidn’twanthertodateanyoneelse.Itkilledmeto

thinkthatperhapsshewasdatingsomeoneelse.Itkilledmethatmaybeshe’dkissedsomeoneelse.I

couldn’teventhinkabouthersleepingwithsomeoneelse.I’dkillhim.Isighed.Mystomachwasin

knotsasIstoodthere.IwasannoyedatmyselfthatI’dplayedthegameswithher.KilledmethatI’d

hurtherbysayingIwasdatingothergirlsandtextingotherwomenasifshedidn’tmatter.Thefactof

thematterwasthatIhadn’tseenanyoneelsesinceI’dmether.Hadn’twantedtoseeanyone.Hadn’t

wantedtokissanotherwoman.Hadn’teventhoughtofanotherwomanlikethat.Butshewasn’tto

knowthat.Icouldbarelybelieveitmyself,andIknewthatPiercewasdisgustedwithme.Butmuchin

thewaythatIwasdisgustedwithhim.Icouldn’tbelievethatwe’dbeenfriendsforsuchalongtime.I

couldn’tbelievethatwe’dbeensuchassholes.NowthatIwasfinallyoverthosegames,Irealizedhow

immatureandhurtfulwe’dreallybeen.IfeltashamedofmyselfandIfeltashamedthatI’dtaughtmy

fraternitybrothersthosetricksaswell.WeweredisrespectfultowomenandIcouldn’tbelievethatI

actuallybelievedthatnow.Iknewthatnooneelsewantedtohearaboutit.IknewthatPiercethoughtI

wasafoolandhedidn’tevenknowhowbadlyIhadfallenforJess.Hedidn’tevenknowthatapartof

methoughtthatImightbeinlovewithher,butthatwasbecauseapartofmedidn’tevenwantto

recognizethatasapossibility.HowcouldIhavefalleninlovewiththiswomanthatIbarelyknew?It

waslikeapunishmentforbeingsuchahorriblehumanbeing.

“Hi.”Hervoice,soft,wasrightinfrontofme.Ilookedupandstaredintoherbigbrowneyes.

“Hi,”Isaidbacktoher,feelingawashofemotionsinmystomachthatIhadneverfeltbefore.

“Howareyou?”Iaskedher,staringintohereyes,wonderingwhatshewasfeeling,feelingmore

insecureaboutmeetingwithawomanthanI’deverfeltinmylife.

“I’mgood.Howareyou?”Shegavemeasmallsmile,theemotionnotquitereachinghereyes,

whichInoticedlookedbloodshotandred.

“Prettygood,”Ilied,wantingtoteaseherandsaysomethingtomakethesituationlessawkward

butnotknowingwhattosay.WhatcouldIsayinthissituationtomakeitbetter?

“Good.”Shenoddedherheadandlookedaway.ShewasplayingwithhershirtandIcouldtellshe

wasnervous.IwonderedifshecouldtellhownervousIwasaswell.WonderedifsheknewthatI’d

spentthelastmonthfeelinglikeshitandwonderinghowshewasdoing.

“You’relookingwell,”IsaidtoherasIlookedoverherbody,mybodyfeelingwarmandmy

mindwantingtoknowifanothermanhadtouchedhersinceshe’dlastbeenwithme.

“Thanks,youtoo,”shesaidassheglancedatmeagainandlookedmeover.“Yougotahaircut?”

“Yeah.”Inodded.

“Itmakesyoulookyounger,”shesaidandgavemeasmallsmile.“Noonewouldeverguessyou

wereoldenoughtobePierce’sdad,ever.”Shelaughedasshegazedatmeandshookherhead.“I

honestlywouldneverhaveguessed.”

“Yeah,”IsaidandItookadeepbreath.“Ineedtotalktoyouaboutthat.”

“Oh?”Shecockedherheadtothesideandlookedatmecuriously.“Whatdidyouwanttotalk

about?NotPierceagain?”

“No,well,kinda.”Imadeafaceandshelookedannoyed.Iputmyhandupandsighed.“It’snot

whatyouthink.Ineedtotellyousomestuff.”

“Oh?”Shelickedherlipsnervously.“Whatdoyouneedtotellme??”

“Thisisgoingtobehard,”Isaidandletoutadeepbreath.“Shallwetakeawalk?”

“Iguess.”Sheshrugged,lookingconfused.“Ifthat’swhatyouwant?”

“Yeah.”Inodded.“Itmightcomeouteasier.”

“Okay,”shesaidandwestartedwalkinginsilence.Istaredatthepebblesinfrontofmeand

wonderedwhyitwassohardformetobringeverythingup.Ijustneededtogetitout.

“Firstoff,Ineedtoapologizeforourlastmeeting.I’msorryIhurtyou.I’msorryaboutthe

wordsthatIsaid.IwasmeanandIhatethatIwasthatpersontoyou.”

“It’sokay,”shesaidsoftly,andIshookmyhead.

“No,itwasn’t.Ireadyouremail.I’msorryIhurtyou.I’msorrythatImadeyoufeellikeyou

didn’tmatter.I’msorrythatImadeyoufeellikeIdidn’tcare.I’msorrythatIputyouinthatmental

state.”

“It’sfine.”Sheshrugged.“Itwasmyownfault.Youwereright.Ineededtojuststartdating.I

neededtoputmyselfoutthere.Iwastooreliantonyouandbeingwithyouandthatwasn’tfairtoyou.

Thatwasn’tfairtohavethoseexpectationsofyou.I’msorryforwantingmorefromyouthanyou

werewillingtogive.”

“I’msorrythatIcouldn’tbethatmanforyou,”Isaid,startingtofeelannoyed.“Soareyoudating

someonenow?”

“I’mgoingondates,yes,”shesaidsoftly,andIfeltmyheartdropandIcouldfeelmystomach

churning.

“Oh?”ThatwasnottheanswerthatI’dwantedtohear.Iwantedtoaskwhatsortofdatesandhow

serious.Andwhatthey’ddoneandifshecaredaboutthem.Iwantedtoknowifshethoughtofme

whenshekissedthem,butIdidn’twanttoask.Ididn’twanttoaskbecauseIdidn’treallywanttoknow

theanswers.Ididn’twanttohearthatshewaskissingthemandnotthinkingofthem.Ididn’twantto

hearthatshewasinterestedinsomeoneelse.Ididn’twanttoknow.Notiftheanswerwassomething

thatwouldmakemefeellikeshit.

“That’snotwhyyouwantedtomeetthough?”Shelickedherlipsnervously,andItookadeep

breath.

“No,it’snot.Wanttosit?”Ipointedtoapatchofgrasstotherightofusandthenlookedoverat

her.

“Sure.”Shenoddedandwewalkedovertothegrassandsatdownandfacedeachother.

“So…”Isaid,andmyvoicedriftedoff.

“So…”shesaid,staringatme,herfaceamask.

“It’sbeenawhilesinceI’veseenyou,”Istartedagainandthenstartedtolaugh.Myfratbrothers

wouldnotbelievetheguysittinghereonthegrasswithJess.Thiswasn’tme.Iwasn’tunsureof

myself.Iwasn’tuncomfortable.Iwasneveratalossforwords.Especiallynotwithwomen.Iwasthe

kingwithwomen.Ihadthegiftofgab.Iknewexactlywhattosayandwhen.Iknewexactlywhatthey

wanted.Myfratbrothersusedtocometomewhentheywantedhelpbaggingagirl.Iwastheman.I

hadnoideawhennowIcouldn’tgetthewordsoutatall.IhadnoideawhyIfeltlikeIwasgoingto

messeverythingupifIsaidthewrongwords.

“Yeah,ithas.”Shenoddedandlookedawayfromme.

“So,Ineedtotellyousomethingreallyimportant,”Istartedagain.“Somethingthatmightmake

youhatemeevenmorethanyoualreadyhateme.SomethingthatmightmakeyouthinkI’majerk.Or

abastard.Orwhatever.Andyouwouldn’tbewrongforhavingthosefeelings.Ijustwantyoutoknow

thatI’mashamedofmyself.BeforeIevensayanything,beforeItellyoueverything,Iwantyouto

knowthatI’mashamedofmyself.Iregreteverything,andifIcouldtakeitbackIwould.Itruly

would.”

“You’rescaringme,Evan.”ShelookedworriedandIsawherplayingwithherfingersagain.

“Whatdoyouhavetotellme?Areyoudying?”

“No,I’mnotdying.”Iclosedmyeyesforafewsecondsandthentookadeepbreathandlookedat

her.“Jess,I’mnotPierce’sdad.I’mnothisrealdad.I’mnothisstepdad.I’mnotrelatedtohimatall.

I’mnotevenoldenoughtobehisdad.”

“What?”Hereyeswidenedasshegazedatme.“Whatareyousaying?”Hermouthfellopenand

shelookedlikeshewasabouttohaveaheartattack.

“PierceandIwerefraternitybrothers.Iwasafewyearsaheadofhim.”Ilookedatherandmadea

face.“Wewerethetypicalimmaturedrunkfratboysandweplayedalotofgameswithalotofgirls

withwomenandpulledalotoftricksandpranksandwell…”Myvoicetrailedoff.Iwasn’tsurehow

tocontinue.Ididn’twanttosaythewordsoutloud.Ididn’twanttotellherandweprankedyou.

“Well,what?”SheblinkedatmeandIcouldseeherthinkinghard.

“Jess,”Isaidandsighed,“Idon’tknowwhat…”Myvoicetrailedoffagain.

“Sothiswasagametoyou?”Shefrowned.“Allofthis?Everythinghasbeenagamefromthe

beginning?”Sheranherhandsacrosshereyebrowsandrubbedherforehead.“Fromthevery

beginning?Soyou’veneverbeenPierce’sdad?Youbeingintheapartmentthatday?Flirtingwith

me?Wasthatpartofthesetup?Wasthatwhenitstarted?”

“Thatwaspartofthesetup.”Inodded.“Thatwasn’twhenitstarted,though.”

“Thatwasn’twhenitstarted?”Hervoicetrailedoff.“What?Whendiditstart,then?”Hereyes

widened.“Itstartedattheclub,didn’tit?Whenhecameovertome?”

“Yeah.”Inoddedandpursedmylips.“I’msorry.”

“ButLinda…”Hervoicetrailedoff.“Howdidyougethismomtopretendyouwerethedadas

well?”

“Lindawasapaidactress,”Isaidsoftly.“I’msorry,Jess.”

“Thiswholethingwasasickjoke.Thiswholething.Oh,myGod.”Shelookedatmewithahurt

expression.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthistome.Ican’tbelievethiswholethinghasbeenalie.This

wholetime.Howcouldyoudothistome?IthoughtIwasinlovewithyou.Ithoughtyoucouldbethe

one.Youhadmequestioningeverythingaboutmyself.YouhadmethinkingIwasgoingcrazy.You

hadmeintears.YouhadmethinkingthatIwasareallybadperson.Howcouldyoudothattome?

Howcouldyoudothattoanyhumanbeing?Howcouldyoujustnotcare?”

“Idocareaboutyou,Jess.Itkilledmeinside,butIjustdidn’tknowwhattosay.Ididn’tknowhow

totellyouthatwe’dlied.Itjustallfeltlikeitwastoomuchandthatitwastoolate.Ididn’twantyouto

hateme.Ididn’twantyoutothinkIwasahorribleman.IknewIwasplayingwithfireandItold

myselfthatitwasokay.Itoldmyselfthatwebothknewthescore.Andifwewerebothonthesame

page,itwouldbeokay.Itoldmyselfthatwecouldhavefunandneitheroneofuswouldgethurt.”

“ButIdidgethurt.Youcrushedme,Evan.Youmademefeellikeshit.YoumademefeellikeI

almostruinedafamily.Youmademefeellikesomesortofsicko.Andthenyoujustditchedmeand

mademefeellikeitwasallmyfault.Howcouldyoudothattome?”

“I’msosorry,Jess.Idon’tknowwhattosay.Itwasallfuckedfromthebeginning.Imessedup.

I’manasshole.Iknowthat.I’majerk.Ideservetobehated.Ididn’twantforyoutofallforme.I

knewIwasn’tgoodenoughforyoufromthebeginning.Iknewthat.IknewthatIcouldneverbethe

manthatyouwantedmetobe.Iwantedtomakesurethatyouleftme.Iwantedittobeonyourterms.I

wantedyoutofeelempowered.ButIthinkIendeduphurtingyoumore.AndI’msorryforthat.I’m

sorrythatIplayedthosegames.I’msorrythatImadeyouthinkIwasseeingotherwomen.Inever

metanotherwoman.Ineverdatedanotherwoman.Iwasdoingthatsoyouwouldgetmadandhate

me.Iwantedyoutohateme.Ineededyoutohateme.IneededforyoutowalkawaybecauseIwas

scared.”

“Scaredofwhat?”Hervoicewastingedwithsarcasmandhurt.

“Iwasscaredofgettinghurt.”

“Hurtbywho?”Shewasgettingangrier.“Allyoucaredaboutwasgettinglaidandtrickingme.

Ugh,whenIthinkofallthebullshityouputmethrough.Allthoseconversations?Howcouldyou?I

justdon’tgetit.Howcouldyou?”

“Jess.”Imovedclosertoher.“Idon’tknowwhattosay,butIwantyoutoknowthatIneverwanted

tohurtyou.Ineverwantedtomakeyoufeelbadinanyway.Youhavetoknowthat.Yes,inthe

beginning,Ididn’tcare.Ididn’tknowyou.Iwasn’tthinkingaboutanyofthat.Iwasjustplayinga

gamewithmyfriend.Agamewealwaysplayed.Thatwasmylife.Youhavetounderstandthat.Itwas

neverpersonaltoyou.AndthenIgottoknowyouandIrealizedyouwerespecial.Reallyspecial.

AndIdidn’twanttohurtyou.I’msorry.I’msorry.”

“Okay.”Sheshrugged.“Isthatit?Anyotherliesyouwanttotellmeabout,orcanIgo?”

“Youwanttogo?”

“Whatelsedowehavetosay,Evan?”Sheshruggedagain.“Alyssawasrightaboutyou.You’re

justanasshole.”

“I’dliketothinkIcouldchangehermindaboutthat,”Itriedtojoke,butJessdidn’tlaugh.

“Whatelsedoyouwant,Evan?”Sheglaredatme.

“I’dliketothinkthatwecouldmovepastthis?”

“Youwanttobemyfriend?”Sheburstoutlaughinghysterically.“Areyoufuckingkidding?Do

youreallythinkthatIwanttobefriendswithyou?Doyouthinkthatthat’severgoingtohappen?You

playedme.Youmakemefeelsicktomystomach.Iwantnothingtodowithyou.”

“Jess.”Igrabbedaholdofherhand,myheartbeatingfast,andIknewthatIhadneverfeltmore

worriedorscaredinmylife.“I’msorry.I’msosorry.”

“Yeah,yeah,Igetthat.”Shepulledherhandawayfromme.“Hopefullyyouwon’tdothisto

anothergirlinthefuture.”

“Jess,Iloveyou,”Isaidsoftly,almosttomyself.“Iloveyou,Jess.”Ilookedoverandintoher

eyes,andshelookedshocked.MaybeasshockedasIfeltathavingsaidthewordsoutloud.“Say

something,”IsaidtoherasIlookedather,waitingforaresponse.

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”Hervoicewasbreathless.“Idon’tevenknowwhyyou’resayingthat.I

don’tevenknowwhattobelieve.Idon’tevenfeellikeIknowyou,Evan.”

“IguessIdeservethat,”Isaid,feelingreallydisappointed.Apartofmehadbeenhopingshe

wouldtellmethatshelovedmeaswell.Apartofmehadhopedshewouldlaughandfallintomy

armsandwe’dstartkissingandwe’dmakeloveonthegrasswithwildabandon.Yeah,mythoughts

andhopesweren’talwaysrealistic.

“I’mgoingtogo.”ShetriedtogetupagainandIgrabbedaholdofherhand.

“Youstillwanttogo?”EvenafterIjusttoldyouIloveyou?”

“Thatdoesn’tmeananythingtome,Evan.Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.”Sheshrugged,

herbrowneyeslookingatmewithuncertainty.“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”

“Howdoyoufeelaboutme?”Iaskedher,almosthesitantly.“Whatareyourfeelings?”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”Shepursedherlips.“WhatcanIsay?”

“Idon’tknow.”Isighedandleanedback.“TherearethingsIwanttotellyou.Thingsinside.

ThingsthatIfindithardtoshare.Thisishardforme.IknowI’vehurtyou.Iknowyoumightfindit

hardtotrustme.Iknowthat.I’mgoingtotrymybesttobeopenandhonest,though.Willyouatleast

listentome?”

“I’lllisten.”Shechewedonherlowerlipandnodded.

“I’veonlyhadoneseriousrelationshipinmylife.Myfirstyearofcollege.Shebrokemyheart.I

nearlyfailedmyclassesthatsemesterandflunkedout.Ithoughtmylifewasover.I’dneverbeen

throughanythinglikethatbefore.I’dneverfeltdespair.I’dneverknownwhatitwastonotbeableto

function.AfterthatIvowedthatIwouldn’tletanothergirlgetcloseenoughtometohurtmethatway.

SoIjoinedthefratandI’vesleptaroundandplayedgamesandneverreallycared.AndIwascontent

withmylife.Happy,even.Toanextent.AndthenImetyou.Andsomethingaboutyoudidsomething

tome.Somethingaboutyouchangedsomethinginme.AndIcouldfeelmyselfbeingdrawntoyou.I

lovedteasingyou.AndIlovedyourreactionstomeandIlovedtouchingyouandtalkingtoyouand

kissingyouandtalkingtoyou.Anditwasallgoodfun,untilIrealizedthatitwassomethingIwas

lookingforwardtoeveryday.UntilIrealizedthatyouweregrowingonmeinwaysthatmadeno

sense.WhenIrealizedthatIcaredaboutyourfeelings.Whenthesadlookonyourfacemademefeel

worried.Mademescared.WhenIstartedtofeelwhatyouwerefeeling.That’swhenIrealizedIwas

gettingintoodeepandIknewIcouldn’thavethat.IknewthatIcouldn’tfallforyou,fortworeasons:

Ididn’twantyoutohatemeforthelies,andIdidn’twantyoutofallformebecauseIdidn’tthinkI

wastheguyforyou.Ididn’tthinkIwasgoodenough.AndfranklyIwasscared.Iwasscaredtofallin

loveagain.Ididn’twanttobetiedtosomeoneelse.Ididn’twantyoutocontrolmyfeelings.Ididn’t

wanttobetiedtosomeoneelse.Ididn’twanttobeyourMr.Right.Iwasscaredaboutbeing

someone’sforevermate.Ididn’twantyoutogettoknowmeandthendropme.Iknewthatbeing

droppedbyyouwouldbemuchworsethanitwasincollege.IknewthatifIopenedmyselfuptoyou

andallowedmyselftoloveyou,itwouldkillmeifyoudidn’twantme.AndIwasright.”Ipausedand

lookedatherandIcouldseetearsinhereyes.“Jess?”Iaskedhersoftly.“Areyouokay?”

ShenoddedatmeandIgrabbedherhandandwaspleasedwhenshedidn’tpullawaythistime.“So

I’msureyou’rewonderingwhatallthismeansnow.Well,inthislastmonth,I’verealizedI’vebeena

bigfool,becauseIcouldn’tstopmyselffromhavingfeelingsforyou.Icouldn’tstopthefactthatI’d

falleninlovewithyou.AndIrealizedthatI’mafool.AndIdeserveallthehateyouhaveforme.I

deserveforyoutonevertalktomeagain.Ideserveforyoutogetupandwalkawayandneverwant

toseemeagain.”Isqueezedherfingersandthenlookedinhereyes.“Ideservethat,butI’mtelling

younowthatI’mnotgoingtowalkawayagain.Ijustwanttobewithyou.Iwillwaitforhowever

longittakes.EventhoughIdidn’twanttobeyourMr.Right,Iam.Iamthemanwhowillwaitforever

tobewithyou.Iwilldowhateveryouwantmetodo.Iwillwaitfortherestofmylifeforyouto

forgiveme.IloveyouwithallofmyheartandI’mnotscaredanymore.I’mnotscaredtoloseyou.

I’mnotscaredtonothaveyou.I’monlyscaredthatIwouldnothavetheopportunitytoshowyou

howmuchIloveyou.Iwilldowhateveryouwantmetodo.Iwillwaitaslongasyouwantmeto

wait.Iwillbehereforyou,wheneveryouneedme.Wheneveryouwantme.Iwillalwaysbeherefor

you.Iwillneverwalkaway.Iwanttoprovemyselftoyou.Iwanttoloveyouwithallmyheart.Ijust

needtoknowthatthat’sokaywithyou.Ijustneedtoknowthatmaybeonedayyoucanforgiveme.

Maybeonedayyoucangivemeachance?Doyouthinkthatyoucan?Doyouthinkthatyouwillever

beabletoforgiveme?Doyouthinkthatyoucaneverloveme?FeelwhatIfeelforyou?”

“Oh,Evan.”Hervoicecrackedasshegazedatmewithahugesmile.“Iloveyousomuch.Ilove

youmorethanwordscansay.Idon’tevenknowhowtotellyouwhatyourwordsmeantome.Idon’t

evenknowhowtotellyouhowmuchIloveyou.It’sbeenkillingmetokeepitinside.Ifeellikewe

weremadeforeachother.Doesthatmakemecrazy?”

“Notanycrazierthanme.”Ireachedoverandpulledhertowardsme,myfaceahugegrin.“ButI

likethatyou’reascrazyasme.Wecanbecrazyinlovetogether.”

“IfeellikeI’minadreamrightnow,”shesaid,rubbinghereyesbeforereachingovertokissme.

“Ican’tbelievethatthisishappening.”

“Ican’tbelievethatthisishappeningeither.Iloveyouwithallmyheartandsoul.Ineverwantto

loseyouagain.PleaseletmebeyourMr.Rightfortherestofyourlife.”

“Ofcourse.”Shesighedincontentment.“You’llalwaysbetheoneforme.I’mjustgladthatyou

finallycametoyoursenses.”

“SoamI,mydear.SoamI.”

THEEND

ThankyouforpurchasingaJ.S.Cooperbook.Ihopeyouenjoyedit.Please

joinmymailinglisthere

tobenotifiedofallnewreleasesandtobenotifiedifIwriteafreeepiloguetoMr.Right.Youcan

emailmeat

jscooperauthor@gmail.com

withanyquestionsorcomments.

Document Outline

Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Untitled
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Prologue
Introduction
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22

Wyszukiwarka

Podobne podstrony:
Come Undone 3 1 Seducing Mr Right Katee Robert
Amber Kell Dangerous Lovers 1 Catching Mr Right
Escaping Mr Right Avril Tremayne
chasing mr right
Amber Kell Catching Mr Right
Walk on the Wild Side 2 Avoiding Mr Right
J S Cooper and Helen Cooper Four Week Fiance 2 (ang)
Alice Cooper No More Mr Nice Guy
Hydrocephalus(ang)
Wstrzasy ang ppt
Glikoliza prezentacja (ang)
MR prezentacja
08 BIOCHEMIA mechanizmy adaptac mikroor ANG 2id 7389 ppt
cooperation
3Kocioł ang
MR wymagania 1
ns EiT 1 2st ang 2008
2010 ang

więcej podobnych podstron

J S Cooper Mr Right (ang)

Document Outline