Reviving Heaven

ARoom103Novel

By

DHSidebottom

DedicatedtoeverysingleRoom

103fan.

Thankyoufortakingthisjourney

withme,

andgivingtheboysthestardom

theydeserve.

“Tofreedom.Tofriends.

AndtoGoddamnmotherfucking

ROOM103!”

RevivingHeaven

ARoom103Novel

DHSidebottom

Copyright©2018DHSidebottom

ALLRIGHTSRESERVED.Thisbookcontains

materialprotectedunderInternationaland

FederalCopyrightLawsandTreaties.Any

unauthorisedreprintoruseofthismaterialis

prohibited.Nopartofthisbookmaybe

reproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyany

means,electronicormechanical,including

photocopying,recording,orbyanyinformation

andretrievalsystemwithoutexpresswritten

permissionfromtheAuthor/Publisher.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,

places,andincidentseitheraretheproductof

theauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,

andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingor

dead,businessestablishments,events,orlocales

isentirelycoincidental.

Prologue
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-one

Twenty-two
Twenty-three
Twenty-four
Twenty-five
Twenty-six
Twenty-seven
Twenty-eight
Twenty-nine
Thirty
Thirty-one
Thirty-two
Thirty-three
Thirty-four
Thirty-five
Thirty-six
Thirty-seven
Thirty-eight
Thirty-nine
Forty
Epilogue

Prologue

HARRISON

Rachelshookherhead,pressingafingerto

herlipsassheheldupthreefingers.

Acknowledgingherwithasinglenod,I

flattenedmybackharderagainstthewall.There
wasaslightscentintheair,almostlikeIcould
tastethebloodabouttobespilt.Shadowshung
thelengthofthelong,gloomycorridor,andold
brokentablesandchairswerepiledagainst
somedoubledoorsattheendofthehallway.A
crackedwindowobscuredtheviewintothe
overgrowngardensoutside.Itallresembleda
scenefromSilentHill.

KnowingwhatIwasthinking,Rachelshook

herheadfasterandnarrowedhereyesatme.I
noddedinreturn.“Wecantakethem,”I
mouthedsilently.

“Blareisinthere!”shesignedwithher

fingers.

“I’lltakehim.Youtaketheothertwo.”
“No!”Anothershakeofherhead

accompaniedafirmglare.“Waitforback-up,
Harry.”

“They’lltaketoolong!”Iargued,myhands

racingasmyfingersspokeforme.“Weneedto
dothisnow.We’vebeenafterthisfuckerfor
sixteenmonths.”

“No.”
GivingheraplayfulwinkasItookoutmy

gun,Ipulledthemaskdownfromwhereitsat
onmyheadandyankedtheclipfreefromthe
smokecanister.Shehadnochoicebuttogowith
menow.

“Shit!”shehissedwhenIkickedopenthe

door.

***

“Itwasn’tyourfault,Harry.”
MyeyesloweredtoDean’s,butIdidn’t

answerhim.

SighingwhenIplacedtheitemsinfrontof

him,helookedbackupatmefromwherehesat
behindhisdesk.“Youdon’tneedtodothis.”

“Yeah,”Igrunted.“Yeah,Ido.”
“You’reagoodagent,Harry.Itwasjustabad

call.Weallhavethem.”

“Wealldon’tkillourfuckingpartners!”
Deanheldfirmwhenmyhandshithisdesk,

andIthrustmyfaceclosetohis.Hestaredback
atme,hisexpressionsteadfastasheallowedme
myrage.“Justtakesometimeoff.”Hisvoicewas
calm,empathymakinghimquiet.“Spendsome
timewithPhilly…”

“Iwon’tbeback.”
Closinghiseyes,hefinallyconcededandgave

meanod.Heknewme,knewthatIwouldn’t
backdown.“Whatwillyoudo?”

Myeyesliftedtothewallofphotosbehind

him.EveryagentDeanhadworkedwith
adornedthelargespace,meincluded.Rachel
smiledbackatme,herprettyfacemakingmy
gutache.HerarmswerearoundDeanandmeas
weliftedchampagneflutestothephotographer
atagalaballwe’dattended.Iwantedtopickup
Dean’suglyfuckingglasspaperweightthatsat
onhisdeskandsmashthedamnpictureinto
pieces.

“Mateofmineofferedmeajob–security.”
Dean’sbrowsdrewtogether,buthegaveme

ahesitantnod.“Sure.”Iknewwhathethought,
fuck,Ithoughttheverysamething.After
workingforSISforeightyears,securitywould
beaviceontheballs.EventhoughI’damassed
enoughsavingstolivecomfortablyforawhile,I
knewjustsittingonmyarsedoingnothing
wouldbeworsethanfollowingaroundsome
God-awfulcelebritythattriedtheirbesttoget
themselvesintosomeshitstinkingproblem.

“Just…”Hesighed,relenting.“Takecareof

yourself,Harry.”

Replyingwithashortnod,Iswallowedback

everythingelseIwantedtosayandwalked
away.“Goodbye,Dean.”

Iclosedthedoorbehindme.

AndIneveropeneditagain.

One

LILY

‘Andstraightinatnumbereight…Wehave

thenewrockgroupontheblock,QuantumRock,
withtheirincredibledebutsingle,Dragitout…’

Istood,staringattheguyswhentheywent

wild,jumpingandscreamingastheypulledeach
otherintoahug.Icouldn’tmove,mywholebody
lockeddowninastunnedexcitement.

“Fuck…”ItwasallIcouldmanage,anditwas

quietenoughforonlymyearstohear.

Numbereight.
Holyshit!
“Lily?”
Myeyesmovedslowlyfrommybandmatesto

Boss.ThegrinonhisfacewascomicalifIcould
findthecontroltolaugh.

Numbereight.
Iwassuddenlybeingliftedintheair,my

bodyspinningincircleswhenDadscoopedme
up.“Yourock,kid!”

“Jax!”Mumscolded.“Putherdown!”Her

smilewasmixedwithtearsofjoy.“Youdidit,
baby.”

Inoddedslowly,jerkily.
“Nowyou’vedoneit,”Bulkcutintomy

surrealmoment,“willyoufinallyannounceyour
connectiontoRoom103?”

Inoddedagain.Meandmyband,Quantum

Rock,hadbeenadamantwemadeitintothe
musicworldasaresultofourowntalent,notoff
thebackofmyparents’group,Room103.They’d
beenhugejustovertwentyyearsago.Theystill
didafewcharitygigsbuthadn’treleaseda
singlefortwodecades.

Daddippedhishead,bringinghiseyesinline

withmine.“NowItellyou,Quantumisbackinga
reuniontourfor103.”

MymindracedforamomentasItriedto

figureoutwhathemeant.“What?”

Asmalltiltofhislipsgrabbedmyattention,

thesmirkconfusingmefurther.“Surprise.We
waiteduntilyoumadeit.UKreuniontourfor
yourmother’scharity.Quantumiscomingwith
us.”

“Areyoushittin’me?”Cagebuttin.Parker

West,AKACageonaccountofhiscagefighting
‘hobby’,wasthedrummerinmyband.Histall,
muscularbodypeeredoverbothmydadandme
ashiswideeyesflickedbetweenourfaces.“Say
thatagain,Jax!”

Dadgrinned.“Withus?”
“Fuck,yes!”Cageansweredwithout

hesitation.TurningtoTapandKnight,he
beamed.“Fuck,guys,we’regoingonfucking
tour!”

Tap,DrakeSharp,bassforQuantum,

nicknamedTapafterhowmuchasshetapped,
flickedhiseyestomewarily.“Youokaywith
this,Lil?”AlthoughTapwasawildoneinthe
bedroom,hewasthemoreseriousoftheguysin
theband.Heweighedthingsoverandoveruntil
heknewtheymadesenseandwouldworkout.

Myheadshookfromsidetosideandthenup

anddown.“Uhh…”

Mumsmiled,laughinglightly.“Bitofa

shocker,huh?”

Inoddedagain.“Just…Yeah.”
Finally,Ismiled.AndthenIgrinned.“Oh,my

God.Wedidit.”

“Topten,baby!”Knight,AKASebastian

Knight,leadguitaristforQuantumRock,grinned
backatmeashewrappedmeupandpulledme
againsthischest,droppingachastekissonmy
head.“Welldone,Lily.”IwasclosesttoKnight.
HewaslikethebigbrotherIneverhad.Hewas
veryprotectiveofme,butalongwithmybest
friendsRebecca,KitandHayley,Knightwasthe
onlyoneIconfidedin–andtrusted.

“Welldoneus,”Icorrected.
Ilovedmybandmates.Foroverfouryears

we’ddoneeveryshittygiggoing.We’dbusked,
almostbeggedforattention,andthenKnighthad
writtenDragItOut.Andithadflownon
YouTube.Thehitsandshareshadescalatedat
analarmingrate,andnow,finally,we’ddoneit.

Theguysdeservedthis.AndeventhoughIwas
nervousaboutdoingourfirsttour,Icouldn’t
helpbutshiverwithexcitement.

IsquealedwhenBulkpoppedthecorkona

bottleofchampagneandstartedtofillthe
glassessomeonehadarrangedintoapyramid
onatray.Peoplesuddenlyappearedwith
plattersoffoodandourhitsingle,DragItOut,
unexpectedlyblastedfromthespeakers.

InarrowedmyeyesatMum.“Didyouknow

aboutthis?”

Sheshrugged,asmallsmileliftingher

beautifulface.“Imayhavebeeninformed.Jerry
rangmethismorning.”JerrywasMum’sfriend
whoworkedinthemedia.

“Youshouldhavetoldme.”
Shescoopedupaglassofchampagneand

handedittome.“Andspoilallthis?Youdeserve
this,baby.Youworkedforit.”Sheplanteda
gentlekissonmyforehead.“Youdeservethe
world.AndyouknowI’dgiveittoyouifIcould.”

Inodded,inhalinghersweetscent.Shewas

growingnostalgicagain,thesadnessthatseeped
fromhermakingmyeyespricklewithtears.

“I’mokay,Mum.”Iliftedmyfacetolookat

her.“I’vealwaysbeenokay.”

Sheshookherhead,thetearsthatfilledher

eyesnowspillingdownhercheeks.“Howyou
couldyoube?Howcouldanyoneafterwhat...”

“Babe?”Dadappearedbyherside,thescowl

onhisfaceatMum’sguiltysorrowcompelling
hertowipeawaythetears.“Nottoday,babe.”

Straighteninghershoulders,shetookadeep

breathandforcedasmile.“Sorry.”

“Don’tbe,”Iurged,givingheragenuinesmile

toshowherthatIwasokay.Theguiltandblame
shecarriedaroundwithherweremore
consumingthanthememoriesthathauntedme,
anditwashernever-endingheartachethat
grievedmemorethanmypast.

ShegrinnedwhenTapabruptlypulledonmy

handanddraggedmeacrossthefloortoaspace
someonehadclearedfordancing.“Stopwiththe
gloom,guys.It’saparty!Let’sgetdrunk!”

So,wedid.Wegotdrunk,andwecelebrated.
Andattheendofthenight,Imanagedto

sneakoutanddoseverallinesofbliss.

Two

LILY

SIXMONTHSLATER

ThechillhitmeassoonasIexitedtheplane

andstarteddownthesteps.Winterhadcome
early,andasifitsensedmyexhaustion,itdid
whatitcouldtopenetratethroughtomybones
andsendatremblethroughme.

Ithadbeenagruellingsixmonths.Six

monthsofgigaftergig,interviews,promotions,
andmarketing.ButsixmonthsIhadabsolutely
loved.

Becauseoflivinginthemanyhotelsaround

thecountryforsolong,mybody,andtheneed
thatcontinuouslylivedinsideme,hadbecome
overwhelmingandIcouldn’twaittogethome.

Knight,alwayssensingmyweariness,

wrappedhisarmaroundmywaistandhelped
medownthestairs.“Youokay?”Hisprobing
lookwasquestioningbutknowing.

“Sure,justtired.”
“Andyou’rejustgoingtosleep,huh?”
“Foraboutfouryears,”Ijoked,givinghima

wink,andhopingitdampenedhisworry.

Henodded.“Yeah,it’sbeengreat,butit’llbe

goodtogetbacktohomecomforts.”

Arangeofflashesmadeusbothblink,andmy

feetstumbleddownthelaststep.Tapgroaned
behindus.“IneverthoughtI’dgetsickofthe
paparazzi,butthey’reincessant.”

“Justtryandpretendthey’renotthere,”I

tried,butTapscoffed.

“Howisthatpossiblewhencamerasand

lightsarealwaysblindingyou?”

“Fameissuchahardlife,”Cagesighedbut

grinnedasheplayeduptothecamera,his
naturalextrovertpersonalitymakinghimthe
mediafrontrunnerfortheband.

AswewalkedthroughtheVIParrivals,the

stormcalmed,butonexitingthebuildingtothe
waitingconvoyofcars,alineofreporters
suddenlystartedreelingoffquestionafter
question.Camerasandmicrophoneswerethrust
atusasthesecuritydidtheirbesttoholdthem
allback.

“Keepyourheaddownanddon’tcomment,

MissCooper,”theguardassignedtoescortme
saidsternlyinmyearasheguidedmetomy
designatedcar.

Butwhenonequestionfilteredthroughthe

manyraisedvoices,Knightstumbledtoastopin
frontofme,andIbumpedintohim.

“Lily,caretocommentonthereportthatyou

werekidnappedatfourteen?IsQuantumRock’s
song,Hostage,basedonyourpersonal
experience?”

Knightspunroundaseverymoleculeinmy

bodyfrozeinhorror.AlthoughIhadbeen
expectingtheintrusiononmylife,itstillcame
asastabinthegutwhenitwassopublicly
announced.Therestofthecrowdsilenced
immediately,butthequietsoonturnedtoa
rangeofgapswhenKnightflunghimselfatthe
reporterwhohadsoopenlybroadcastwhatI
hadbeensodesperatetohide.

“Shit!”IhissedasIbrokeawayfrommy

guardandpulledatKnight.

“Fuck!”IheardFrank,ourmanager,grumble

whenKnight’sfistconnectedwiththereporter’s
cheekboneandarangeofflasheslittheearly
afternoondarknessthathadarrivedquickly.

Chaosdescendedastheboysjumpedinto

helpKnight.Cage’sroarofdelightatachanceto
freehispent-upfrustrationmademyteethsnap
togetherindistress.Ithadbeentoolongsince
hehadfought,andhewasfeelingthe
withdrawaloffreedomasmuchasIwas.

Asharpgaspleftmewhenmybodywas

unexpectedlyliftedoversomeone’sshoulder,
andIwasmovingquicklyacrossthecarpark.

Cage’sdesignatedsecurityguardpushedme

intothebackofawaitingcar,andshuttingthe
door,hebangedontherooftoalertthedriverto
move.ThewheelssquealedasIturnedinmy
seattowatchthepandemoniumthatwas

playingout.

Igroaned,floppingbackagainsttheseat

whenweleftthecarparkandpulledintothe
traffic.

“Areyoualright,MissCooper?”mydriver

asked,hiseyesworryingonmethroughthe
mirror.

Inoddedandgrumbledwhenmyphonelit

up.

“Whatthefuckhappened?”
“Hi,Mum.”MyheartplummetedandIclosed

myeyes,bracingmyself.“Theyasked‘the
question’.Knightwentape,andtherestyou
havealreadybeeninformedof.”

“Shit,”shehissed,makingmeflinch.“Thisis

whatIwasscaredof.”

“It’sfine.Weknewitwouldhappen.”
“Yes,butnotthisearlyon.Iwashopingyou

couldatleastsettleinbeforeallthebullshit
started.”

“I’msureFrankwillsortapublicstatement,

orhe’llgettheexpertsonitanyway.”

“That’snotthepoint.I’mworriedaboutyou.”
“Mum,honestly,I'mallright.”
Tearsprickedmyeyesasnauseachurnedthe

sandwichI’dhadontheplane.Iwasgladshe
couldn’tseemydespair,butIalsowanted
nothingmorethantohavemymother’sarms
aroundmeandfeelherlovecomfortthedistress

thatwasforcingitswayupmythroat.

Mydriverglancedatmeinthemirror,

silentlyaskingifIstillwantedtoreturnhomeor
changedirectiontomyparents’place.

“Home,”Imouthed.TheonlyplaceIcould

sortmyselfoutwasinmyownhome.Ihad
missedit,especiallyGerry,mycat.

Givingmeacurtnod,hecontinuedalongthe

sameroad.

“Everythingokay?”Mumasked,sensingthe

shiftinmyattention.

“Uh-huh,”Iconfirmed,althoughIfrowned

whenthedriverturnedrightontoaroadthat
wasn’ten-routetomyhouse.

“Justaquickdetour,MissCopper,”he

explainedwhenhesawtheconfusiononmy
face.“Justincasewe’rebeingfollowed.”

Inodded.Iwasbecomingparanoid–again.

Nathan,mypsychotherapist,toldmeitwas
natural,butitalwaysangeredmewhenitraised
itsuglyhead.Ihatedtheanxietythat
continuouslylivedinme,andwhenitstartedto
interferewithmyemotions,Iknewitwastime
tomakeanappointmentwithNathan.

“We’rejusttakingadetour,panickedmefora

moment,”InotifiedMumwhenshereminded
meshewasstillonthephone.

“Don’tworry,sweetie;allthesecuritymen

havebeenspeciallyvettedandselected.They’re

alllegit.Ipromise,”shestated,appeasingmy
worry.“Now,stickyourearphonesinyourcute
littleearsanddrowninsomemusic.”

Ismiled.Whymymotheralwayscalledmy

earscutewasbeyondme.Theywerejustears
forChrist’ssake.

“Loveyou.”Iendedthecallwiththeusual

words,andtakingMum’sadvice,Iswitchedon
someDaughtry,slippedmyearphonesintomy
‘cute’ears,andforthefirsttimeinmanylong
months,Irelaxed.

***

“MissCooper,we’rehome.”
ThedrivergentlyshookmyshoulderandI

staredupathiminconfusion.Mybrain,atlast,
remindedmewhereIwas,andIpushedupfrom
whereIhadflakedoutonthebackseat.

Thesightofmylittlehousethroughthecar

windowwasthekickIneededtorousemefrom
thegrogginessofmynap,andIsnatchedupmy
things.

“Thankyou.”
Thedriversmiledasheplacedmycasebymy

frontdoor.“Youtakecare,MissCooper.”

Iwatchedhimclimbbackintothecarand,as

Iwalkedupmyneighbour’spath,hewavedto
meandpulledaway.

“Lily!”Rebeccagrinnedatmeassheflung

openherfrontdoorbeforeI’devenreachedthe
endofherpath.

“Ishehere?”Iasked,returningthefirmhug

shegreetedmewith.

Sheshookherhead,“Thestudhasbeenoff

withthefemalecatsfortwodaysnow.”

“Iseriouslyhopeyougavehimsome

condoms!”

Shescoffed,movingasidetoletmeintoher

hallway.“Youknowthetartwon’tusethem,”
sheremarkedasIfollowedherintothekitchen.

Slidingontooneofherhighstoolsatthe

breakfastbar,Idrooledasshemadememy
usualdrinkofraspberryandherbteaandplaced
itinfrontofme.

“So,”sheprobedeagerly.“Iwantallthejuicy

details!Howdiditgo?”

Swallowingthehotsweetliquid,Igrinned.“I

havenowords.Itwascrazy,Bec.”

“Everythingyouthoughtitwouldbe?”
“Andsomuchmore.Theadrenalinekickwas

betterthananythingI’veeverexperienced.”

“Evensex?”
Tutting,Irolledmyeyes.“Trustyou!”
Shescowledatme.“Ididhopeyou’dlet

yourselfgoalittle.Youknowwhattheserock
toursarenotoriousfor.Lotsofrandomsex
hookups!”

“Withmyparentsthere?”Notthatitmattered

iftheywerearoundornot,sexhadnotbeenon
myagendaanyway.

Shegrimaced.“Yeah,that’salittleawkward.”
“Understatement.Anyway,I’mnotreadyyet.

Especiallysexwithastranger.”

Shesighed,watchingmeovertherimofher

cupasshetookadrinkofcoffee.“Iknow,babe.
Maybeit’sagoodthing.Youneedtoallowyour
thoughtssomerestwitheverythinggoingon
rightnow.”

“Themediaalreadyfoundeverythingout.”
Hereyeswidenedonme,theworryinher

calminghazeleyesmakingmyheartsurgewith
anxiousness.“Already?Jesus,thatwasquick.”

“Ihavetobehonest.Ididexpectalittlemore

time.”

“I’msureFrankwillsortitout,”she

reassuredwithasqueezeofmyhand.“Anyway.
Hayley’shennight.Havewecometoanything
yet?”

“Fuck!”Igroaned,rubbingmyeyes.“Ican’t

believeIforgotaboutit.Shit,whatkindoffriend
amI?”

“Abusyone!Stopfretting.Westillhaveafew

weeks,plentyoftimetogetsomethingsorted.”

Finishingmytea,Iplacedmycupinhersink

andnodded.“WellmakesureyoukickmyassifI
leaveitalltoyouandKit.”

Shescoffed,fillingthesinkwithhotwater,

herOCDseeingherwashingmymugbeforeit
hadevencooledfromthetea.“Youknowdamn
wellthatI’llendupdoingitallandyou’lljust
slipmeyourshareofthecash.”

Wincing,Igaveherasidehugandrestedthe

sideofmyfaceonhershoulder.“Itoldyou,I’ma
shitfriend.”

“Notshit…”
“Crap,”Irectifiedforher.
“Yeah,that!”

Closingherfrontdoorbehindme,Istrolled

upmypath,gratefulforthehindsighttohirea
gardenerwhilewehadbeenontourwhen
colourfulflowersandplantslinedmywayhome.

MyguttwistedwhenIslidthekeyintothe

lock,andIpushedopenthedoor.Something
wasn’tright.Somethingwasseriouslywrong.

Ialmostdaren’tmovewhenthedarkhallway

openedupbeforeme.Mypulseracedinmyears,
andmychestfeltsotightthatIrubbeditwith
myknuckles,attemptingtoeasethediscomfort.

“Hello?”
Itwasstupidbutinstinctivetocallout.The

anxietythatalwaysfedonmereareditsugly
headandIplacedmyhandonthewalltosteady
mywobblylegs.

“Hello?”

Flickingonthelight,thescreamthatleftme

hadBecrushingoutofherfrontdoorand
vaultingoverthesmallwallthatseparatedour
houses.

Shepulledmeintohersecurearmsand

forcefullyturnedmyfaceawayfromwhere
Gerryhadbeennailedtothewall,hisblood
spillingoverthewordswrittenbeneathhim,
‘EvenGodcan’tsaveyou.’

JustbeforeIpassedout,Iheardthesoftness

ofmymother’svoicethroughBec’sphoneand
thedistantthrumofasireninmyears.Mymind,
however,wasfullofthehorrificthoughtsof
whatmypreciousbabyhadgonethrough.I
hadn’tbeenthere.Ihadlethimdown.Aswas
usualwithmylife.

Three

LILY

Icouldn’tgetwarm.Dadpulledtheblanket

furtheraroundmewhenhesawthetremblein
mybodyandhandedmeatumblerofwhisky.

Ijustwantedthemalltogo.Iwantedtobe

alone.Ineededthefewlinesofblissthatwould
helpmethroughthis.

“Drink.Itwillhelp,”Mumurgedasshe

wrappedherfingersaroundmycoldonesand
guidedtheglasstomylips.

Myearscaughtthesoundofthecleanersas

theyscrubbedatmyhallway.Thepolicehad
takenhours,sealingoffanybitofevidencethey
couldfind,andthenforensicshadtakenanother
goodfewhourstobaganddocumentanything
found.Notthattherewasmuch,ofcourse.No
onewouldbestupidenoughtoleave
fingerprints.

Ididn’tunderstandit.IknewIwasn’tan

angel,butIhadneverpurposelyhurtanyone.

‘EvenGodcan’tsaveyou.’
Whatthehelldidthatmean?Savemefrom

what?

“Pleasecomeandstaywithus?”Mumtried

again,butIshookmyhead.I’dlostmonthsof
alonetimeanditwasbeginningtosuffocateme.

Icouldn’tcopewithanymore.Ijustwanted
isolationfromeveryone.

“I’mokay.Ipromise.”Ismiled,hopingtoease

herworry.“Ijustneedahotbathandmyown
bed.”

“Fuckthat,babe,”Dadgrumbled,hisbrows

sewntogetherwithworry.

“IhaveBecnextdoor.You’rebothaphone

callaway…”

Hehelduphishand,haltingme,and

narrowedhiseyesatme.“Ain’tgoodenough.I’ll
sortit.”

Ifrowned,puzzledathisstatementwhenhe

pulledouthisphoneanddisappearedintothe
nextroom.

“I’llstaywithhertonight,E,”Knightoffered,

turningtoMum,andgivingheranencouraging
nod.

Givinghimathankfulsmile,hewinkedatme.

Heunderstoodme;hewasmaybetheonlyone
thatdid.AndwithKnightstayingover,IknewI
couldhavethehighIneededandalleviatemy
parents’concernatthesametime.

Theflamesfromthefirelulledmeintoadeep

senseofcalm.Exhaustionpulledatmyheavy
eyelids,andthewhiskyDadhadgivenme
earlierwarmedthechillinmybones.Ifoughtto
stayawake,butthewearinessthathad
consumedmesincesteppingofftheplanefinally

won,andIcurledupagainstthefirmnessof
Knight’schestandallowedsleeptofindme.

***

KnightnarrowedhiseyesintoaglarewhenI

steppedintothekitchenthenextmorningand
tookthecupofsteamingteafromhim.“Iwon’t
askifyouhadagoodsleep.Bloodyhell,Lily,it
needstostopnow.”

Heatflamedmycheeks,andchoosingto

ignorehisscolding,Igrabbedthenewspaper
fromthesideandsettledatthetable.

“Don’tlookatpagefour,”headvised.
Sighing,Iflickedhimaglance.“Thatbad?”
“Dependsonhowyoulookatit.It’s

sympathetictothebreak-in,notsomuchabout
yourpast.Howthefucktheycanblameyour
parentsforwhathappenedisbeyondme.”

“Whatthehell!”ImutteredasIdisregarded

hiswarningandturnedtopagefour.

AngerbubbledinmygutandIbitmylipat

thebullshitwritten.“Howthefuckcanthey
printthisshit?”

“Becauseit’sindicatedtobe‘hearsay’not

‘fact’,”Knightspecified.“Thatwayyoucan’tsue
them.”

Unabletoreadmore,Iclosedthepaperand

slungittowardsthebin.“Remindmenottoread
anyformofnewsfromnowon.”

“Mightbeagoodidea,”heagreedwithanod.

“Haveyouthoughtaboutwhocouldhavebroken

in?”

“Don’tthinkI’vethoughtofmuchelse.

Seriously,Ican’tthinkofanyone.Maybeitwas
justarandombreak-in.”

Heshrugged,slidingsometoastontoaplate,

andplaceditinthecentreofthetablebetween
us.“Perhaps,yetnothinghasbeentaken.It
wasn’tjustasimpleburglary.”

“So,theyjustbrokeintohurtGerry?Who

woulddothat?”Athoughtoccurredtome,andI
lookedatKnight.“Youdon’tthinkBenacrossthe
roadwoulddoit,doyou?”Benwasinhisearly
eighties,andacantankerousprickatthebestof
times.HewasalwaystryingtoshootGerrywith
hisstupidpelletgunwheneverGerrydecidedto
usethegravelinhisgardenasatoilet.Yes,it
waswrongofGerry,andI’dtriedeverythingto
stophim.Buthehadn’tdeservedthat.

“He’sacrankybastard,butheisn’tsick.

WhoeverdidthattoGerryisfuckingeviland
severelydisturbed.”

“Mmm.”
Webothlookedupwhenmydadwalkedin

throughthebackdoor.Myeyesgrewwidewhen
theyfixedonthemanthatfollowedbehindhim.
Hisfacewassombre,hiscoldblueeyes
calculatingastheyslidoverme.Ashiverraced
upmyspineandItensedatthesensation.The
wayheheldhimself,hisbodyunyieldingand

rigidinastrictblacksuit,almosthadme
cowering.Hisimposingstareonmeformeda
lumpinmythroat,andIstruggledtolookaway.

“Lil,thisisHarrisonCole,”Dadfinally

announced,hisvoice,atlast,pullingmefrommy
stunnedgawp.

Shakingmyhead,Ifrownedwhenthewords

stuckinmythroat.

“He’syournewsecurity.”
“Security?”Iwincedatthesoundofmyown

voice,theseveresqueakalmostpainfultomy
ears.

“Yournewsecurity,”herepeated.“Hewill

shadowyouuntilthepolicecatchthisbastard.”

“But…Dad…”Istuttered.“It’smorethan

likelyjustarandomthing.”

“Fuckthat,babe.”
“Dad!”
“No.He’sonyou.Ain’tnothingyoucando

aboutit.Thisismineandyourmother’scall.”

“I’mnotfourteen!”Igrowled,mychair

scrapingonthefloorwhenIshotuprightand
slammedmypalmsonthetable.

“No,you’renot,butain’tnowayamIrisking

that,oryou,again.It’sdone,kid.”

IglaredatHarrisonlikeitwashisfault.“You

cangonow.”

“Nocando,MissCooper.”Thesmallsmirkon

hisfacemademyfistsclench.Arrogantfuck.

Knightsniggeredattheauthorityin

Harrison’stone,andIturnedmyglareonhim,
buthejustgrinnedatme,amused.

“Dad!”
“Kid.”Hetenderlylayhisarmaroundmy

shoulderandkissedmyforehead.“Lifeis
differentnowyou’reinthelimelight.Securityis
apriorityandnecessary.”

“ThenI’msureFrankwillsortsomething.”
IglancedsidewaysatHarrison,tryingto

informmydadthatIwasuncomfortablewith
thechoicehehadmade,buthisscowltoldmeI
wasn’tgoingtowinthisargument.“He’sthe
best.It’sthatsimple.Iwon’tputyouatrisk
again,sugarnut.”

Irolledmyeyesatthenickname.SinceIwas

fourandhadtakenalikingtosugaredalmonds,
DadhadalwayscalledmeSugarNut,evenifit
didaggravatemenow,eighteenyearslater.

ThedoorflungopenandBossquicklyhurried

intothekitchenwithmymother.“Baby,”he
cooed,scuttlingmeintohisarms.“You’resafe
nowUncleBossishere!”

Mydadsnorted,andMumrolledhereyes.
“I’mfine!Iwishpeoplewouldstopbloody

fussing.ImissGerry,butI’mokay.Itwasjusta
randomburglary.”

MybrowsshothighwhenHarrisonshookhis

headfirmlyatme.“I’mafraidnot,MissCooper.

Killingsomeone’spetisn’tjustarandomact.It’s
usually,ifnotalways,apersonalattack.”

Myjawdropped.“Thanksforthatniggleof

doubt,MrCole.”

Quirkinganeyebrowatmytone,the

previoussmirkthatheldhislipstautgrewintoa
smuggrin.

“Seriously,Dad?”Icomplainedlikeafour-

year-old.“You’rereallydumpingmewithMr
Cheerful?Asifmylifecangetanyworse?”

“Stopbeingamartyr,Lil.Ithoughtyousaid

youweren’tfourteen,”Knightdeclaredwithan
amusedexpression.

“Fuckyou!”Imouthedback.
Harrisonjuststoodfirm,regardingmy

tantrumwithaboredlook.

“Well,Idon’thaveanyappointmentsuntil

Thursday,sofeelfreetoleavenow.”Iaddressed
Harrisonwiththesamecontemptashetreated
meto.

“`Fraidnot.I’vebeenpostedbyyourside

permanently.”

“Umm.”Ipointedafingerathim.I’mnot

entirelysurewhy.“Umm.What?”

Hisexpressionwasoneofamusement.Mine

wasoneofathoroughlypissedoffwoman.

“Fromnowon,MissCooper,Iwilleatwith

you,shopwithyou,chillwithyou,andeven
breathewithyou.”

“Andsleepwithme?”ItwasoutbeforeI

couldstopit.Knightkeeledoverinhysterics,
andmydadgaspedinshock.Mumjustshookher
head,exasperated,accustomedtomyrunaway
mouth.“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat!”Iflustered,
givingKnightahardnudgeofmyelbow,and
gloweringathim.

“Ifitwouldmakeyoufeelsafer,”Harrison

statednonchalantly.

“Overmydeadbody!”Dadthundered,

narrowinghiseyesatBosswhenhechuckled.

Iwassuremymother’seyeswouldsoon

disappearentirelyintothebackofherheadwith
theamountofeyerollingshewasdoing.“Jax,
Boss.Home.”

DadglaredatHarrison.Itmademefeel

better–slightly.“Lookaftermybaby.”

“Ofcourse,”Harrisonrepliedwithastiffnod

ofhishead.

Knightfollowedthemoutafteraquickkiss

onmyforehead.

Anawkwardsilencehungintheairwhen

HarrisonandIstoodawkwardlyinthekitchen.I
wassurehewassuckingalltheoxygenoutof
theroom.Hewassoimposingthathismassive
bodymademykitchenappearsmall,andhis
arrogancemademefeeltiny.

“Please,justpretendI’mnothere,”he

announcedsuddenly,makingmejump.

“Right.”
Likethatcouldeverhappen.
And,so,pretendingtherewasn’tahugemass

ofablokeinmykitchenmakingteaandtoast,I
stuckmyheadphonesonmyhead,andI
vacuumedaroundhim.

Four

HARRISON

Shewaspissed.AndIwaspissedoff.
Shewasdoingherbesttoscreenherselffrom

meinthethrongofdancers.Thestrobelights
madeitdifficulttosee,andthemusicwas
bloodydire,theloud,thumpingbeatgivingmy
headacheaheadacheofitsown.

Workingmywaythroughthecrowd,I

positionedmyselfbetter.TheviewofLily’s
swayingarseandtheflowofherlong,auburn
hairwereonlyjustvisible.

I’dbeengluedtoherforsixdays–awhole

onehundredandforty-fourhoursofpurehell.
Shewasstubborn,feisty,andanightmareto
shadow,alwaysvanishingrightfromunderme.
Butitwasherfunnyquirks,herhumourand,I’ll
admit,thefactthatshewaseasyontheeyethat
hadmadethosehoursalmostbearable.

I’dinterceptedafewnastynotesanditwas

nowacertaintythatsomeonehadtakenareal
disliketoLilyCooper.Mostofthelettershad
beenreligiousbabble,condemninghertohell,
butonehadsentacoldshiverupmyspinewith
thevehemencebehindthewords.I’dsentthem
offforexamination,butIdidn’tholdoutmuch
hopeofanyforensics.Thispersonwasn’tan
amateur,farfromit.Thefirstletterhadbeen
sterile,andIknewtheotherswouldbethe

same.

“CanIgetyouadrink,handsome?”
Shakingmyheadandglancingattheblonde

flutteringhereyelashesatmelikeitwould
makemeripherclothesoffandgiveherthe
hardfuckshewasafter,Iturnedmygazebackto
Lily.“Nope.”

Ifelthertensebesideme,mysharptone

offendingher.Nevertheless,itworked;shegot
themessageandteeteredoffonherridiculously
highheelstowardsanotherpoorbloke.

Lilysmirkedanddancedherwaytowards

me,herlegsintertwiningassheswayedacross
thedancefloor.Iwassurprisedshecouldsee
me;herheavy-liddedeyesweren’tactuallyin
focus.“Yousmoothtalker,Harrison.”She
giggledandsupportedherselfwithahandtomy
chestwhenshewobbledsideways.“Youhave
suchawaywithwomen.Although,don’tgetme
wrong,hertonguewaslickingthetipsofyour
shoes,shewassohotforyou.You’remorethan
welcometotakeheruponheroffer.I’llbefine
withtheguysandKitaslongasyoudon’tscrew
heratmyhouse,”sheshoutedinmyearoverthe
louddin.

“Iwon’tbescrewingheranywhere,Miss

Cooper.”

Shesighedandrolledhereyesdramatically,

thealcoholrunningthroughherbloodstream

exaggeratingherexpressions.“Lightenup,
Harrison.You’resuchasticklebrick.”

“Asticklebrick?”
Herstrikingchocolateeyeslookedupatme

asshenoddederratically.“Asticklebrick,”she
repeatedwithaslowslur.“Apricklybrick.”She
laughedloudly,hereyesshiningwithglee.“I’m
surprisedImanagedtosaythatright.”Her
eyebrowsdippedwhensheconcentrated.“DidI
saythatright?”

Shehiccuppedandheldahandtoherchest,

blanchingasshewetherdry,palelipswiththe
tipofhertongue.“Eww,”shemutteredasshe
swallowedhard.

“Areyouokay?”
“Hmm?”Shepressedagainstmeandplaced

hereartomymouth.Hertitssquashedagainst
mychest,unwillinglycausingmydicktostirin
mypants.“Sorry,Icouldn’thearyou.What?”

“Iaskedifyouwerealright.Youseema

little…green.”

Shepokedmeinthechestandnoddedonce.

“Yep.I’malittlevomity,MrCole.”Ididn’tmiss
theglimmeroftearsinhereyes,butsheblinked
harshly,sealingthemawaybeforetheyescaped.

Vomity?Wasthatevenaword?
“Doyouneedsomeair?”
Onceagain,shenoddedandproddedme.

“Soundslikeagoodidea.”

Takingherbythewristwithmythumband

forefinger,shecurledherfingersintomypalm,
andasifimpulsive,Ienclosedhersmallfistin
mylargeone.InotifiedherfriendsthatLily
neededsomeairandwewouldbebackshortly,
andthenIledheroutside.

Sheleanedbackagainstthebrickwalland

suckedinvastamountsofcoldair.

“Doyouusuallygetsoinebriated?”
Herbrowsshothighandshegiggled.

“Inebriated?Whatthehell,Harrison?Howold
areyouexactly?”

“Twenty-eight.”
“Goingoneighty-eight,”shemumbledunder

herbreath,butIcaughtit.

“I’vebeenreadingyourfile,”Istated,

choosingtoignoreherremark.“I’msurprised
yourcasewasneverclosed.”

Shescoffed.“That’sbecausetheyneverfound

them.”

Inodded,surprisedshewassoopen.I’d

understoodfromherparentsthatthesubjectof
Lily’sabductionwasnevertobediscussed.
However,InowwonderedifthatwasforJaxand
EveCooper’sself-preservationandnotLily’s
sanity.

“Isitpossiblethatitcouldbeyourcaptors

thatareonceagaintormentingyou?”

Sheshruggedandleanedforward,grabbing

herkneesassheblewoutlongstabilising
breaths.“Maybe,butIcan’tseewhy.It’sbeen
eightyears.Whynow?”

“Generally,Ifindthepurposeistheleast

plausibleconsideration.”

Shefrownedatmeasshetriedtofigureout

whatIhadjustsaid.Iknewthatsometimesthe
wayIspokebaffledher.LilyCooperwasasayit
likeitwaskindofperson,whereasmy
upbringinggavemeamore‘distinguished’
tongue,evenifmyfosterparentshadtriedto
beatitoutofmeonmanyoccasions.

“Iwillneedtogothrougheverythingyoucan

remember.Itmaydigupsomecorpses,I’m
afraid,butitmaygivemesomethingtowork
with.”

“Sure.”
Aloudsquealfromovermyshoulderhadmy

trainingkickingin,andIquicklymovedLily
behindmesoIcouldshieldher.Spinning
around,Irestedmyhandonthehandleofmy
pieceinpreparationforafight.

“Oh-My-God!”Agirlshreikedasshe

jumpedupanddownwithherfriends.“I’mright,
aren’tI?”Shelookedaroundme,peeringatLily
withwideeyes.“You’reLilyCooperfrom
QuantumRock!”

Lilysoftlyplacedherhandonmyforearm

andsmiledatme.“It’sokay,Harrison.She’sjust

afan.”

Nodding,Imovedasidebutremained

vigilant.

“Pleasecanwehaveapicwithyou?”another

girlasked,herfaceglowingwithexcitement.“I
loveallofyourmusic.”

“CanyoutellCagethatIlovehim!”Another

gushed.

“Ifyou’reeverinclinedtosleepwitha

woman,letmeknow!”Thefirstgirlofferedas
shethrustherphoneatmeandposedfora
photowithLilyandherfriends.

Iscoffedatthatone.Lilylaughedand

promisedshe’dletthegirlknowifsheever
wantedtohavelesbiansex.

“Idon’tthinkI’llevergetusedtothat,”Lily

statedafterthegirlsgottheirphotographand
totteredoffinsidetheclub.

“Itisratherintrusive.”
Settlingonasmallwall,shelookedupatme

andasked,“So,HarrisonCole,what’syour
story?”

“Idon’thaveone.”
“Iverymuchdoubtthat.You’requitea

seriousdude,somethinginlifemadeyou
grumpy.”

Therewasthatrunawaymouthagain.
“Nope.”
“Nope,”sheparroted.

Iscannedthevicinitywhen,instinctively,the

hairsonthebackofmyneckraisedinwarning.
Nothingseemeduntoward.Drinkersmilled
aroundtheplace,laughteranddrunkensinging
fillingtheair.Yet,Icouldn’tsettlethesenseof
beingwatched,theapprehensioninmygut
makingmestepinfrontofLilyonceagain.

“What’swrong?”sheasked,standingupbut

remainingbehindtheprotectionofmybody.

Drawingoutmyphone,IcalledLily’sdriver

andtoldhimtobringthecararound.Ihad
specificallyorderedhimtoparknearby,so
withinminuteshewaspullinginfrontofus.

Guardingher,Iusheredherintothecarand

slidinbehindher.“Callyourfriends,tellthem
you’vegonehome.”

ShedidasIaskedwithoutargument.Anxiety

pouredfromherandIfrownedwhenInoticed
herdiggingherlongnailsdeepintoherinner
thigh.

“Don’tdothat.”
Sheblinked,unawareofwhatshewasdoing.

Followingmygaze,shelookeddownatherleg
andturnedherfacetowardsthewindowtohide
herembarrassment.

“Whathappenedbackthere?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”Shescoffed.“Thenwhybundleme

intothecarandscaretheever-lovingshitoutof

me?”

“Precautions,MissCooper.”
“Jesus!That’sallIget?‘Precautions’,”she

fumed.“AndcanyounotjustcallmeLily?You
makemesoundlikeafriggingschoolteacher!”

Iwasn’tsureifIpreferredherdrunk.The

frustrationthathadsuddenlychangedherhappy
moodhadmenarrowingmyeyesonher.She
waswringingherhandstogether,herleftleg
wastwitching,andthewayshegnawedonher
bottomlipwasacauseforconcern.Shewas
edgyandagitated.

Tryingtoeaseherworry,Igentlyplacedmy

handonherjigglinglegtoholditstill.“Ijusthad
avibe.Justbeingcautiousandbettertobesafe
thansorry.”

Shemumbledsomethingunderherbreath

thatIdidn’tcatchandrefusedtospeaktomeall
thewaybacktoherhouse.

Suitedme.Itwastheonlytimeshe’dshutup

insixdays.

Five

LILY

“Really?I’msureIcanmanagetostaysafeat

myownfather’sbirthdayparty,Harrison!”

Themanwasdrivingmeinsane.Withthe

amountofprivacyheallowedme,Iwas
surprisedhedidn’twanttoguardmewhileI
tookapiss.Iwasgettingdesperatenow.I’d
managedafewlines,butIhadtobesocareful.
Hisconstantinterferencewasbecoming
ridiculous,evendowntothesmallknockonmy
bedroomdooratnighttocheckonme.

Kitstoodbymyside,tryingdesperatelyto

hideherfitsoflaughter.“He'sjustbeing
cautious,”shechuckled,nowusedtoHarrison’s
signaturelineof‘Justbeingcautious,MissCole.’

“Well,yes,butthere’llbeplentyofsecurity.

It’svirtuallyaRoom103concert,justwithme
there.Myparentswon’tallowmeanywherethat
hasn’thadsnifferdogsandthefuckingbomb
squadcheckitoutfirst.”

Kit’shumourdisappearedandsadness

crossedoverherprettyface.“They’rejust
scared,babe.It’sunderstandable.”

Inodded,relenting.Itwasunderstandable,

butithadbeeneightyears.AlthoughIhadn’t
exactlygottenover‘it’,Irefusedtoletitcontrol

mylife.Ivaluedmyfreedomandmy
independence.But,evenifIhadescapedfrom
thepeoplewhohadkidnappedme,myparents
werenowbecomingtheonestoholdme
hostage.

“MissCole?”
Iblinked,pushingawaymythoughtsand

lookedtoHarrison.“Sorry?”

“Willyoupleasewearthistonight?”
Mygazedroppedtohisoutstretchedhand.A

lumpformedinmythroatasIstaredatthethin
platinumbanglehewasholdingouttome.It
wasdelicateandpretty,withthreetinydiamond
studssituatedtothesmallheartinthecentre.
Totallyme,andthatshockedthehelloutofme.
“What?Why?”

“There’satrackingdeviceembeddedintoit.

Itwillallowmetogiveyousomefreedomand
spacetonight.Iknowhowmuchyouvaluetime
withyourfamilyandfriends.So,IthoughtI
couldmeetyouhalfway.”

Okay,thatstunnedme.
Hisbrowpuckeredforamomentandhis

stareonmebecamehard,hiscoldblueeyes
piercingme.Buthistonewassoft.“Pleasedon’t
removeit,Lily.”

Anothershocker.Forthefirsttimeintwo

weeks,HarrisonColecalledmeLily.

Takingthebanglefromhim,Isnappeditinto

placeonmywristandsmiledwidely.Ineeded
himtoknowIwasgratefulforhis
thoughtfulness.“Ipromise.Itwillremainonmy
wristallnight.”

HenoddedstifflyandturnedtoKit.“Please

savemyphonenumbertoyourcontacts.Ifyou
losesightofLily,oranythingfeelswrong,you
ringmestraightaway.”

Histrepidationmadethebeatofmyheart

stutterwithworry.Iknewhewas‘justbeing
cautious’butshit,themanneededtotakeachill
pill.

KitgrabbedmyhandafterdoingasHarrison

orderedandtuggedmetowardsthestairs.
“Comeon,PrincessFiona,let’sgomakeyou
beautiful.Afterall,tonightcouldbethenight
youmeetyourShrek.”

“Idon’tdogreen,Kit.Itdoesn’tsuitme!”
Shelaughed,yankingmeharderwhenI

added,“Unlessit’sincocktailform.”

***

“Ithoughtyoudidn’tdogreen?”Harrison

spokesoftlyinmyearwhenwewalkedintothe
vastroom.Itwasdeckedtotherafterswith
balloonsandallkindsofpartywear.The
atmospherewaselectric,theexcitementand
loveofeachpersonformydadmakingmegrin.

He’dalwaysbeenpopular,andeventhoughhe
wasn’tthemostsociableperson,hewasstilla
damngoodman.Thatwasreflectedinthemany
giftsstackedhighonatableandtheamountof
cheerintheair.

“Sorry?”
“Whenyourfriendsaidaboutfindingyour

Shrek.Yousaidgreendidn’tsuityou.”Hiseyes
unhurriedlyroameddownmybody,theusual
coolblueswirlinglikeadeepocean.“Ithink
greensuitsyouverymuch.”

“Oh.”Igiggled,lookingdownatthefigure-

huggingsilkgreendressIwore.“Thisdresswas
Kit’sidea.It’soneofhersandshewasadamantI
wearittonight.”

“Shewasspoton.”
BeingwithHarrisonwaslikewatchinga

tennismatchthatlastedforweeks.Hisactions,
attitudeandconversationweresobackand
forthandupanddownIfeltlikeIhadwhiplash.
Icouldn’tkeepupwithhismoods,yet,Ialso
foundmyselfwarmingtohimalittle.Hewas
persistent,I’dgivehimthat,butIfeltsafewith
him.Myprotectionwashispriority,andapart
frommyparents,I’dneverfeltthatkindoftotal
dedicationfromanyone.Iknewitwashisjob,
butitstillmademycorefeelwarm.

“Well,thankyou,”Iexpressedwithasmile.
Heheldontomywrist,anactIwasnow

accustomedto,whilehisscrutinisingstare
sweptovertheroom.“Allclear.”

Irolledmyeyes.IknewHarrisonusedtobea

specialagent,andsometimesIwassurehesaw
measoneofhissquad.“Aye,aye,Cap'n.”

Hisheadsnappedlefttowardsmeandhis

angryeyesgloweredatme.“I’mnotafucking
pirate,Lily!”Thescandalousexpressiononhis
facecausedabubbleoflaughtertocreepupmy
throat.

“Alwayssoserious.Takeanightoff,”I

suggested.“Ihavemybangleon.I’msurrounded
bypeoplewholoveme.Gograbadrink–a
strongone-andsocialise!”

“Socialise?”
DearGod.
Blowingoutabreath,Ipattedhimsoftlyon

thecheekandnodded.“Socialise:Tomix
sociallywithothers.Tomingle.Tospendtime
withotherpeople.”

ThefuryIalwaysmanagedtoprovokefrom

himgavemeasenseofsmugness.Hisblazing
blueeyesnarrowedatme.“Iknowwhat
socialisingmeans!However,I’monduty!I’mnot
heretomingleorevendrinkfuckingwhisky!”

Diggingmyteethintomyliptostopmyself

fromlaughing,Inoddedfirmlyanddisciplined
thehilarityonmyfacethatmusthavebeen
mockinghim.“Okay,thengoandfindacornerto

standimposinglyin,andIwillgoandget
absolutelyslaughtered.Youcomeinhandyfor
makingsureIgethomesafe,soImayaswellgo
drinklotsofalcoholandsocialiseforyou.”

Iturnedandwalkedaway,leavinghismouth

gapingopenandhisfierceglarefixedonmy
back.

***

“Ifuckingloveyouall!”Tapdrunkenly

salutedaswedidanotherroundoftequila.

“Andyoulovefuckingall!”Cageremarked

withasmirk.

“Yep,”Hayleygiggled.“EvenKit’shadagoon

that!”

“Doyoumind!”Kitmumbled,adribbleof

tequilarunningdownherchin.“Once.Once!”
Sheheldupafinger,notthatanyonecouldfocus
onit.“Don’tcondemnmeforthat!”

“Whatthefuckisthatsupposedtomean?”

Tapsnapped,apparentlyoffended.

“Well,putitthisway,”Kitstatedwithher

fingernowpointedatTap.“Onenightwithyou
wasmorethanenough!”

TheycontinuedtosquabbleandIclosedmy

mindofftothem.

Thedancefloorwaspacked.Romeo,Zoeand

theirnewpartner,Noel,dancedinacircle.It

alwayswarmedmyhearttowatchthembeso
openabouttheirrelationship.Awhileagothe
mediahadgottenaholdoftheir‘secret’.
However,theyhadbothbeenopenandcandid,
makinganofficialstatementabouttheir
sexualitytothepress.Theirhonestyhadbeen
acceptedandembracedbytheirfans,andthey
werenowambassadorsforanorganisationthat
supportedpeoplestrugglingwiththeir
sexuality.

BossandJenwerestoodwithBulkandSpirit,

laughing,anddoingshotsoftheirown.Butit
wasthesightofmyparentsthatmademysmile
turnintoagrin.Mymotherhadherlegs
wrappedaroundDad’swaist,hertinybodyin
thecocoonofhisstrongarmsastheydanced
slowly.Icouldn’teverexpresshowmuchit
meanttomewhattheyhaddoneformeoverthe
years.Theyhadchosentoadoptme,yetthey
lovedmewitheveryfiercefibreoftheirbodies
andhearts.Mylifecouldhavebeensovery
different,andtheopportunitiesgiventome
fromtheveryfirstdayIbecametheirswould
neverbetakenforgranted.

“CanIgetyouadrink?”
Hisvoicefromovermyshouldermademe

jumpandIspunaround.

Hewashandsome.Hisbroadsmileandthe

hueofhismahoganyeyeswerevaguelyfamiliar,

andintrigued,Ifoundmyselfnoddingmyhead.
“Sure.Thankyou.”

HisgringrewwiderandIcouldn’thelpbut

smileatthesightofit,hisjoycontagious.
“Mark,”heintroducedhimselfwhenwereached
thebar.

“Lily…”
“LilyCooper,”hedeclared,cuttingmeoff.“I

knowwhoyouare.”

Hidingthecringefromhim,Ilockedeyes

withthebarman.Ididn’twanthimtoseethe
disappointmentonmyface.Perhapshewasa
legitimatelygoodguy;however,thislifewasn’t
usuallythateasy.Thenumberofguysthatcame
ontomebecauseIwasthesingerforQuantum
Rockandnotbecausetheygenuinelywantedto
gettoknowmewasdisheartening.

“GreyGoose,neat,please.”
Thebarmannodded,andaftertakingMark’s

requestforabeer,hewanderedoffdownthe
bartofixourdrinks.

“DoIknowyou?”Iaskedafterfindingmyself

staringathimwithadeepfrown;hemusthave
thoughtIwassorude.

Hechuckled.“Maybe.MarkDenver.”
“Oh,myGod!”Iplacedahandonmychest.

“YoumustthinkI’msofullofmyself.You’rethe
leadsingerofDenver!”Denverwasafreshindie
groupthathadstormedthechartsrecently.

Pullingoutmyphone,IfiredupSpotifyand

showedhimthetopplaylistIhadsaved.Itwas
Denver’snewestalbum.“See.”

Helaughedandshowedmethetopalbumon

hisplaylists.ItwasQuantum’slatestreleasetoo.
“IcametothegiginBirminghamwhenyou
backedRoom103.Greatfuckingconcert.”

“Thankyou.Itwasalittleoverwhelming.”
“Icanimagine.”Narrowinghiseyes,he

twistedhislipsandplayfullyscowledatme.
“Althoughyourhit,Takeittothewire,knocked
usoutofthetopten.”

Igrimaced.“Sorryaboutthat.”
Heshookhishead,wavingoffmyapology.“It

mustbeanamazingfeelingtohaveanumber
onehit.”

Nodding,Ismiledatthebarmanwhenhe

placedourdrinksonthebarandtookasip.“I
couldn’tdescribeittoyou.Although,I’msure
onedaysoonyouwon’tbeabletodescribethe
feelingtomeeither.”

Hesnorted.“Idon’tseeDenverreachingthat

milestoneinthenearfuture.”

“Don’tbesonegative.There’slotsofhype

aboutDenveroutthere.I’vereadloadsofblog
postsaboutyourbandandallofthemgush
aboutyou.”

Helaughed,hiseyessparklingonme.“Me

specifically,orthegroup?”

“WoulditmakeyourheadbigifIsaidboth?”
“Absolutelynot,”hesmirked.“I’mquitea

modestguy.”

“Ofcourseyouare!”Ilaughed.
“That’salovelybracelet.”
Ifollowedhisstaretomywrist,surprisedto

findIwasunconsciouslyfiddlingwiththeshiny
pieceofmetal,mythumbstrokinglightlyover
thethreediamonds.

“It’sobviouslyfromsomeonespecial,”he

remarkedasheliftedhispiercingstarebackup
tomyface.

“Notreally.”RemindedofHarrison,I

searchedtheroomwithmyeyes.Hewasstood
toonesideofthedancefloor;hisfirmstarefixed
onMark.Helookedsouncomfortable,hissharp
suitandrigidformstickingoutlikeasorethumb
inthemiddleofthepartygoers.

HisgazemovedfromMarktome,andhis

fierceglaresoftened.Hisstiffshouldersvisibly
relaxedandhisclenchedjawloosened.I
couldn’tlookawayfromhim.Hetrappedmein
theconfinementofhisattention.Itwasonly
whenhelookeddowntomywristandhealso
foundmetwiddlingthebraceletthatIsnapped
myhandawayandfocusedonMarkagain.

“Who’stheguy?”hequeried,flickinghiseyes

toHarrison.“DoIhavecompetition?”

“Competition?”Ilaughed.“No,he’sjustmy

securityguy.”

“Ah.”Henodded.“Sothenyou’refreetogo

foradrinkwithmeonenight?”

Cautionmademepause,butforcingmyselfto

bitethebullet,Ismiled.“Okay.”

“Awesome!”Thrustinghisphoneatme,he

toldmetoputmynumberinhiscontacts.“I’ll
ringyouthen?”

“Sure.”
TheroomswayedslightlyasIwatchedhim

walkaway,hisabruptdeparturequite
astounding.Ihadn’trealisedIhaddrunkso
muchandIsteadiedmyselfwithahandonthe
bar.

“Ithinkyou’vehadenough,LilyCooper,”

Harrisonutteredquietlyinmyearfrombehind
mewhenIorderedanotherdrink.Hishotbreath
onmyskinmademeshiver.Iwasfrozentothe
spot,myeyesclosingaseachofhisheavy
breathsonmycheekmagnetisedmeandI
inclinedbackwardstowardshim.Hewasso
closethatIcouldsmellthedeliciousnessofhis
aftershaveonhisskinandthesweetscentof
orangeonhisbreath.Thestrengthofhisfirm
chestonmybackfelttoogood,andIallowed
myselftorelaxagainsthim.

Warmthstirredinthepitofmystomach

whenoneofhislargehandslightlyrestedonmy
hip,thesubtletouchburningthroughthethin

materialofmydress.

“Harrison.”Iflinched,mortifiedbythesound

ofmybreathyvoice.Heatpouredovermybody
asmyskinflushedwithembarrassmentandI
droppedmyfacetohidethesevereblush.

I’djusthadtoomuchtodrink.However,I

foundmyselfneedinganothertocalmthestorm
thatwastwistingawayinsideme.

“Lily,”HarrisonwarnedwhenIrepeatedmy

ordertothebarman.

“Ineedtogetdrunktonight,Harrison.”Iwas

angryathim,exceptIcouldn’tunderstandwhy.
“Youpromisedtoleavemealone.Sodoit.Leave
mealone.”

Hewassilentforasecond,buteventually,I

felthimmoveaway.

Goddamnit!
Downingthevodkainone,Islammedthe

glassonthebar,wordlesslydemandinganother.
Andanother.Andanother.

Itwasn’tuntilHarrison’sscent,onceagain,

filledmynostrilsandthebulkofhisarms
aroundmewhenhescoopedmeupthatI
realised,toolate,Ihaddrunkwaytoomuch.

“I’vegotyou,”hesaidsoftlyasmyeyesclosed

andIallowedhimto,yetagain,takecareofme.

Six

LILY

Blissrolledoverme.Ileanedbackontheside

ofthebathandallowedthesenseoffreedomto
takemeunder.Myheadthrobbed.The
nightmarethathadplaguedmeinthenight
refusedtoletmymindrestandplayedona
continuousloopinmythoughts.

Now,nothingbuttranquillityflowedthrough

me,buryingtheanxietythathadreareditsugly
headattheparty.

Ilookeddownatmybarelegsandsighed.

AlthoughIwasnowcalm,thesightofmyskin
alwaysdisturbedme,thescarslikeenemiesof
mypastmockingandlaughingatme.

Finallypushingmyselfupright,Iscoopedup

themessandshoveditintoabinbagandthen
startedtofillthetub.Thescentoforange
blossomfilledtheconfinesofthesmall
bathroomandIinhaleddeeply.Mymother
alwaysboughtmeashittonofmyfavouritebath
creameveryChristmasandthevaststash
alwayslasteduntilthefollowingDecember.

Thewaterwasgoodandhot,andalthoughI

wincedharderwitheveryinchofwaterIslid
deeperinto,theserenityinmybodyeasedthe
acheinmyheart.

TheoryofADeadmanblastedthroughmy

earphonesandturningthevolumeuptomaxI
closedmyeyes.MythoughtsdriftedtoHarrison,
ormoreprecisely,howthefeelofhiswarm
breathandthesoundofhisvoicehadmademe
feel.I’dneverfeltanythinglikeit,andalthough
ithadmortifiedme,mybodyhadwantedto
delvedeeperintothosefeelingsandexplorethe
sensationstheycouldbring.

Mybandmatesdidn’tunderstandmewhenI

saidsexdidn’tinterestme,buttheycouldn’t
everempathisewithmyreasonsunlesstheyfelt
them.

Knightwouldbeonmybacktomorrow,

unabletomissthehighthatnowranthroughme
afterthethreelinestonight.ButIknewI
wouldn’tbeabletoperformatmybestwithall
thedisquietthathadbeenpersecutingmymind.
Tomorrow’sgigwasanimportantoneandI
refusedtoletmyfriendsdown.

Aprofoundfeelingofbeingwatched

triggeredmyeyestosnapopen.Harrisonstood
inthedoorwaywithathunderousexpressionon
hisface.

“Umm.”Ipulledmyearphonesout;myvocal

chordsstillnumbwiththeshockoffindinghim
snoopingonme.

“Iwasbangingonthedamndoorforten

fuckingminutes!”Hisfacewasstrict,thefierce
glareofrageinhiseyesmakingmesinkanother

inchunderthebubblesasiftheycouldsaveme
fromhisoppression.“Ithoughtyou’dfucking
drown!”

Itwasthenmyeyesslidtothedoorandthe

brokenhinges.

“Umm.”
“JesusChrist,Lily!Isthatallyoucanmanage?

Umm?”

Iwaggledoneofmyearbudsathim.“Ididn’t

hearyou.”

“Evidently!”
“Sorry.”Ishrankbackatthesoundofthe

squeakthatleftme.

“Oh?You’resorry.Youweresodrunkearlier

thatwhenIputyouintobed,yourolledoverand
fellonthefloorwithsuchathudIthoughtyou’d
haveaconcussion.Thenyoujustcurledupand
passedout.IfIhadn’tputyoubackintobed,
you’dhavewokenupinthebloodymorningstill
inthesameplace!”

“Oh.”
HisgazedroppedtothebinbagI’dstuffedin

thecorneroftheroomandafrownreplacedthe
previousanger.

Ijumpedoutofthebath,shovingpasthim

whenhereachedforitandsnatcheditup
hastily.

Hismouthfellopen.RealisingIwasnaked,I

grabbedthetowelfromtherailandquickly

wrappeditaroundmyself,gratefulforthe
accumulationofbubblesthatcoveredmostof
mydignity–especiallythecriticalparts.

Narrowinghiseyesatme,hetiltedhishead

slightly,suspiciousofmyeagernesstobeathim
toit.“What’sgoingon?”

“Nothing!”
Hereachedforthebag,butIhurriedlymoved

itbehindmeandsquashedmyselfagainstthe
wall.

“Doyoumind!”Ispat,mytemperfrayed.“I

knowyou’resupposedtoprotectme
everywhereIgo,butI’msureI’mquitesafein
myownfuckingbathroom.You’reinvadingmy
space,HarrisonCole.Somethingyoupromised
youwouldn’tdo.”

Heblinked,awarethathe’dsteppedovera

linewithme.Givingmeafirmnod,helowered
hiseyesandretreatedoutoftheroom.“I’llfix
thedoortomorrow,”hecalledout.

“Damnrightyouwill!”
Ididn’thearwhathegrumbled,butI

grumbledsomethingbackallthesame.

***

Tapgrinnedatme.Healwayshadhisown

uniquegrinthatstretchedthewholeofhis
broadface,anditneverfailedtogeneratea

smileofmyown.“Feelinggood,Lil?”

“Uh-huh!I’mfeelinggooood.”
Iwaspumped,theroarofthecrowdalways

firedadrenalineintomybloodstreamandI
bouncedupanddown,eagertoridalittleofthe
pent-upfrustration.

Cagetwiddledhisdrumsticks,hisexcitement

makinghimfidgety.Knightjuststoodrocking
backandforthonhisheels.HarrisonandKnight
weresimilarinsomanyways.Theywereboth
soserious,andsodeterminedtokillanychance
ofalifeIhad.Knightwasjustlookingoutforme
asafriend;Igotthat.However,Harrisononly
protectedmebecausehewasbeingpaidforit.I
didn’tlikehowthatinsightmademychest
tighten.Itdidn’tmatter,butitwaskindofaslap
inthefaceknowingsomeoneonlyspenttime
withyoutoenhancetheirbankbalance.

Harrisonwascurrentlytalkinglikea

madmanintohisheadset.He’dtakencontrolof
allsecurityaspectswherethegigwas
concerned.I’dhadtohidemylaughteratthe
regularsecuritymen’sfaceswhenHarrisonhad
barkedordersatthemliketheywerehisprivate
platoon.Luckily,noonehadtakenittoo
personally,andeverythinghadfallenintoplace.
IunderstoodHarrisonneededeverythingtorun
smoothly,forhisownpeaceofmind,andnotjust
mysafety.Iwashispriorityafterallandtrying

toprotectmefrombehindthescenesasIstood
inthemiddleofanopenstageinfrontof
thousandsofpeoplemustbeanightmare.

“Readyinthree,two,one,”Debbiespokein

myear,andjustasIsteppeduptothestage,a
handcurledaroundmywristandstoppedme.

“Pleasebealert,Lily.”
TheanguishinHarrison’seyesmademy

heartjumpandIblinkedupathim.Unsurewhat
tosay,Imerelynodded.

Henoddedinreturn,gavemywristaquick

squeezeandthenreleasedme.

Shoutsof‘Lily!Lily!Lily!’heraldedmy

entranceontothestage.Usually,myheart
wouldburstwitheverysinglefan’sexcitement.
Somethingelsenowruledeverybeatofmy
heart.Fear.

Takinganotherglancetowardstheedgeof

thestagewhereHarrisonstood,Iwasn’t
surprisedtoseehimasrigidasalways.His
attentionwaseverywhere,inthecrowd,backto
me,tothebackofthestage,totheraftersabove
thestage,backtothemassofpeoplechanting
myname,then,againtome.Allthewhilehislips
movedashecalledordersandmonitoredeach
stationpostthroughhismouthpiece,his
attentionlockedoneveryaspectofthe
enormousarena.

“Hello,Manchester!”Knightshouted.

Aresponseof,“QuantumyouRock!”the

familiargreetingfromourfans,litupthe
darknessaroundusasCageledusintothefirst
trackonthedrumswiththeleadingbeattoTake
ittothewire.

Istaredoutintothedarkness.Silhouettesand

shadowstauntedme,eachoneapotential
personthatwantedtokillmycat.Andme.My
heartbeatspunoutofcontrolandKnight
frownedatmewhenImissedthecuetothefirst
line.Cagestutteredalittlebuttookitbacktothe
beginning,allowingmetosortmyshitout.

MyhandsshookandIgrabbedholdofthe

micstandtosupportmyselfwhenanxiety
trembledinmyknees.Therampantbeatof
apprehensionpulsedinmyearsandmythroat
cloggedwithdryness.Sweatbeadedonmybrow
andIwipeditwithashakyhand.

IglancedatHarrison.Hesmiledwidelyat

me.Thesightwasabsolutelystunning.I’dnever
seenhimsmile,notproperlyanyway.He
nodded,encouragingme,andnotifyingmethat
everythingwasokay.

“Allclear,LilyCooper,”hemouthed.
“Aye,aye,Cap’n,”Imouthedbackasmy

heartbeatresumednormalvelocity.

AndthenIfacedthecrowd,andIrockedthe

ceilingoffthearena.

Seven

HARRISON

Iwatchedher.Itwasgoodtoseeherso

relaxed;herlaughterwasaslyricalashermusic.
Iwasgladthatshehadsomanyfriends,
especiallygoodones.I’dhadtodelveintoher
bandmatesandfriends’lives,everyoneofthem
apotentialsuspect,butthey’dcomeupclear.
Well,allexceptCage,buthisfilejustcontained
juvenilebullshitthatwasn’tassociatedwith
Lily’slife.

Theafterpartywasinfullswing,andafew

fanshadbeeninvitedbackstage.CageandTap
hadgirlsdrippingoffthem,anditwasbecoming
awkwardtokeepaclosewatchoverLily.

“Youfancygoingonsomewhere?”Rebecca,

Lily’sfriend,askedher.

Shepulledafaceandshookherhead.“Not

tonight.Ijustwannacrash.”

Lily’sphonerangandshescoopeditoutof

herbra.Icouldn’thelpbutcheckouttheglimpse
ofcreamysoftskinhiddenbeneathwhitelace.
MydickjerkedandIbitmylip,forcingitto
behave.

ThesmilethatcoveredLily’sfacewhenshe

checkedthecallerIDhadmyguttwisting.Mark.

“Hey,”sheansweredwithamoreprominent

smile.

Rebecca’seyebrowsroseatthesightofLily’s

happygrin.

“Icandothat,”Lilyspoke.“Okay,I’llseeyou

there.”

“Spill,”Kitordered,givingLilyanudgeofher

elbow.

“There’snothingtotell.JusttheguyImetlast

week.”

“Guy?”Jaxgrowled,comingovertojoinLily.

“Cluemein,babe?”

Lilysighedandrolledhereyes.“Justaguy,

Dad.”

“Hmm.”
“Givethekidsomespace,youoverbearing

arsehole,”Bosscutin,placingaprotectivearm
aroundLily.“She’stwenty-two.Iremember
whatyouwereuptoatherage.”

JaxglaredatBoss.“Exactly!”
Kitlaughed,theirbickeringamusingher.“I’m

sureshe’llbefine,Jax.”

Henoddedsharply.“Yep,cos’you’regoing

withher!”

“Thehellsheis!”Lilyspluttered.“Ican’ttake

afriendonadate,Dad.That’sridiculous.”

“I’llgo!”Bossoffered.“You’llbeokaywith

UncleBoss.Wecanhavejellyandice-creamfor
pudding.”

“Thefuck,”Jaxscoffed.“I’llneverrelaxifshe’s

outwithyou.”

ThedistressonLily’sfacemademefeelfor

her,althoughtherewasalittlesatisfaction
insidethatherdatemaynotgoaheadafterall.I
didn’tunderstandwhyIfeltlikethat,butI
wasn’twillingtointerpretthosethoughtsjust
yet.

“Dad,it’sjustadate.”
“Withaguyyou’venoideaabout.Haveyou

forgottensomemaniacistryingtohurtyou?”

“No,but…”
“Howdoyouknowit’snotthisparticular

bloke?”heposedwithafiercescowl.

“Well,Idon’tbut…”
“Harrisonwillgowithyou!”
“No!”Lilyyelled,thetetherthathadbeen

frayingfinallysnapping.“Iamgoingonadate!
AndIamgoingonmyown!I’moldenoughto
date,Dad.It’salsoapossibilitythatitcouldgo
wellbecauseheunderstandsthislife.”Tears
twinkledinherlargeeyes,andsheblinked
quickly,lockingthemaway.“Whydoyoudo
this?”

Jaxsighed,seeingherupset,andpulledher

intoahug.“Sorry,SugarNut.Justworry.”

“Iknow,”shewhispered,embracinghim

harder.“Butplease,I’llbefine.IhaveHarrison’s
bangle.”

Ismiledinwardlyasmyeyesdroppedto

Lily’swrist.Shehadkeptthebraceleton,even
aftertheparty,andbecauseshewasalwaysso

stubborn,ithadbeenbothashockanda
blessing.

“I’llmakesureItrackherallevening,Mr

Cooper,”Ipromised.AndI’dmakesureIdid.I
didn’tliketheideaofhergoingoutonadate
either,therepercussionsfromitcouldbe
catastrophic.However,Lilystillneededtohave
alife,evenwiththismadmanontheloose,andI
triedmybestnottobetoointrusivewithanyof
myclients.

“Ijustwanttogohome,”Lilymurmured

dejectedlytome.

Biddingfarewelltoherfriends,shefollowed

meoutofthebackdoorandslidclosetome
whenamassoffansshoutedhernamefrom
behindtheropedoffareaintherearcarpark.
Securitydidtheirbesttopushtheswarmback,
butthereweresomanypeopleburstingwith
excitementatthesightofLilythattheystarted
toswellforwards.

Shieldingherfromthesidewithmybody,we

quicklyheadedforthecar.

Notquicklyenough.
Thesoundofthegunshotwasdrownedout

bytheroarofthecrowd.

Itwasn’tuntilLilydroppedtothefloor

besidemeandbloodbegantocascadeacross
thegreycementthatIevenrealisedshe’dtaken
abulletinherback.

Eight

LILY

FlowerswerethefirstthingIsawwhenI

openedmyeyes,massesofthem.Anarrayof
colourburstfromvasesandbuckets,someeven
spoutingoutofvariousglassbottles,reducing
theharshnessofthecold,whitewalls.

Painachedeverysinglemuscleinmybody

andIgroanedasItriedtoturnover.

“Lily?”
Islidmyeyestowardsthesoundofmy

mother’sanguishedvoiceandtriedtofocuson
her.Mymouthwassodry,andwhenItriedto
lickmylipssomethingobstructedmytongue.

“Mmm.”Themumblesoundedalientomy

earsandIfrowned.

“It’sokay,sweetheart.Sleep,”Mumurgedas

shetenderlystrokedherhandoverthetopofmy
head.

AmovementbehindherhadmesquintingasI

concentratedmygazethatway.Harrisontilted
hisheadslightly,hisgazeonmeworriedand,ifI
wasn’tmistaken,remorseful.

Ididn’tunderstandwhatwashappening.

Everythingfeltandappearedstrange.Ibegged
forsleeptotakemeawayfromthepainandthe
weirdness.

“Sleep,”Muminsistedsoftly.
Asifshewasmagic,myeyesslidclosedandI

driftedintopeacefulnessonceagain.

***

ThereweremoreflowersthenexttimeI

woke,andballoonsbobbedaboutinevery
corner.Cardsandpictureseclipsedtheprevious
coldwallsandphotographsofpeopleIdidn’t
knowsurroundedamosaicofget-wellwishes
writtenonslipsofpaper.

“Babe.”
Mydad’sfacecameintofocuswhenhe

leanedclosetome.

ThistimeImanagedtosmile;theprior

blockagemiraculouslywasgone.“Dad.”My
throatwasscratchyandIcoughed.

“Howyoudoing,SugarNut?”
Iwasn’tquitesurehowIwasdoing.Ididn’t

evenknowwhatwashappening,sounableto
answer,Ijustshookmyheadalittle.

MybackachedandItriedtoshift.“No,babe,”

Dadadmonishedfirmly.“Notyet,waitforthe
nurse.”

“Nurse?”ItwasonlythenIrealisedIwasina

hospitalroom.“Whathappened?”

“Youjusthadalittleaccident.”Dadsmiledat

melikeIwasfouryearsoldagainandIhad
fallenoffmybike.

“Youwereshot!”Harrison’ssternvoicemade

mejump.Icouldn’tseehim,butIdefinitely
heardhim.

“What?”EverywordIspokehurtmythroat

andIwincedwiththepitchofthatsingle
syllable.

“Inthecarparkaftertheconcert.”Finally,

Harrisonsteppedintomylineofsight.His
stormyblueeyesstaredatmeandIfrownedat
thereservoirofsadnessthatglimmeredinthem.
“I’msorry,Lily.”

“Whyareyousorry?Didyoushootme?”
Hiseyeswidenedandthecornerofhismouth

twitched.

Mydadsplutteredoutalaugh.“Manytimesin

hisimagination,kid.”

Thedooropenedandanursewalkedinwith

mymotherhotonherheels.

“Lily!”
Iwincedwhensherushedtomysideand

tookmyhandinherwarmone.“I’mokay,Mum.”

Shenoddedquicklyandwipedawaythetears

thatrolleddownhercheeks.“Ofcourseyouare,
you’restrong.”

“Likemymum.”
“Hi,Lily,gladtoseeyou’reawake.”Thenurse

smileddownatmeasshecheckedthemonitors
beepingaway.“Doyouhaveanypain?”

“Alittle.”
“Nottoworry,we’llgetyoutoppedup.”After

makingsomeadjustmentstothemassof
concoctionsbeingfedintomethroughvarious
tubes,sheturnedtothepeopleintheroom.
“Couldyougiveusalittleprivacyforamoment,
please.Thecafeteriaisopenifyou’dliketograb
acoffee.”

Mumfrowned,lookingfromthenursetome.

Ijustshrugged.Eventually,shelefttheroom
withDadandHarrison.

“I’mJenny,andI’llbelookingafteryouwhile

you’rehere,”thenurseinformedmeasshe
helpedmeturnontomyside.“Ijustneedto
checkyourwoundandthenwe’llgetyousome
water,youmustbethirsty.”

Inodded,hissingatthepainthatshotthrough

myback.

“I’msorry.Thepainreliefwillkickin

shortly.”Manoeuvringmebackaround,she
settledherselfontheedgeofthebed.“Lily…”
Thelookonherfaceandthesoftnessofher
voice,thesameasIhadseenandheardmany
timesfromvariouspractitioners,hadmycheeks
blushingwhenIknewwhatshewasgoingto
say.

“Iknow,andnothankyou,”Itoldher,not

givingherthechancetoembarrasseitherofus.

“Areyousure?”sheaskedsoftly.Ididn’twant

herpity,nevermindherhelp.“Wecanputyouin
touchwithanamazingtherapygroup.”

“No.”
Shecringedatthetoneofmyvoicebut

nodded.“Okay,mylove.”

JennylefttofetchmesomewaterandIstared

aroundthesmallroom.Selfiephotographsof
countlessfanswithmessagesofloveand
prayersformyswiftrecoveryhadbeenstuckto
thewalls.Notesanddrawnpictureshung
wherevertherewasspace.MyheartsurgedasI
squintedatthem,attemptingtoreadthemfrom
whereIlay.Hundredsofbrightbloomsanda
heapofsofttoysfilledeveryavailablefloor
space.Itwasastonishinghowmuchpeople
caredaboutme.Iwasjustasingerinalittle
band.

“Thisisonlywhatwecouldfitintheroom,”

Knightsaidashewalkedovertome.Ihadn’t
evenheardhimentertheroom.“Youshouldsee
yourhouse;wehadtostoretherestthere.”

“HowlonghaveIbeenhere?”
“Fourdays.”
“Wow!”Ibreathed,stilldazedatthelevelof

support.

“Youscaredtheever-lovingshitoutofme,

Lil.”

Inodded,hisadmissionbeckoningthesob

thatIhadtriedtokeepatbay.Hewas
comfortingmewithinsecondsofthefirsttear
hittingmycheek.

“Whatthehellisgoingon,Knight?”
Hesighed,huggingmeharder.“Idon’tknow.

ButIdoknowHarrisonishotonthisfucker’s
heels.”

Isquintedupathim,pullingoutofhis

embrace.“He’sfoundsomething?”

“I’mnotsure.He’sonesecretivebastard,I

knowthatmuch,buthe’stightenedallsecurity.
Noonecangetwithinahairsbreadthofyou
now.We’vecancelledallupcominggigs…”

“What!?”
Heglaredatme,hiseyesnarrowandhard.

“Wedidn’tevenhavetomakethatdecision;our
fansdiditforus.Everyone,includingthem,are
rightbehindyou,Lil.Theyloveyou.They’ve
beencampingoutsidethehospitalfornewsever
sinceyouwerebroughtin.Youneedtogetwell,
andsafe.Andtheyknowthattoo.”

Inodded.AllIwantedtodowasperform,I

lovedeveryincredibleminuteofit,butputting
myselfoutthereagainwasgoingtobeharder
thanIanticipated.ThemoreanxiousIwas,the
moreterribleitwouldbeforQuantum.I
couldn’tsayIwasn’tdisheartenedthough.We’d
beenfightingforthisforyears,andalready,
withinsevenmonthsofmakingit,itwasmy
faultthatithadallcomecrashingdown.

Nine

HARRISON

“Stopbeingsuchabloodypaininthearse!”
HereyesnarrowedatmeinaglareasI

helpedheroutofthecar.“Whatthehelldidyou
expect?Ijustwanttogohome.”

“Well,tough.Yourhouseisnow

compromised.Itisn’tsafe.”

“Ofcourseit’ssafe!”sheargued.“It’smy

home.”

Ididn’twanttoremindheraboutGerry,her

cat.ShehadbeengrumblingeversinceI’d
pickedherupfromthehospitalandhadtoldher
wewouldnowbegoingtoasafehouse.I
wondered,often,ifshewantedtodie.Shewas
exasperating.She’dbeeninthehospitalforeight
days,andQuantumRock’sfansnevershifted
fromtheirvigiloutside.AsmuchasIunderstood
theirneedforinstantupdatesandtowishLily
well,theywereadamnliability.Securityforthe
hospitalhadbeenuppedtoamaximum,andI
wasjustgladtogetheroutofthere.

Although,atthatmomentIwasn’tsosure.I

wouldbegluedtohersideeverysecondofthe
dayfromnowon,unabletoleaveheruntilthis
cuntwasfound.

Iwasn’tsurewhowouldkillherfirst,himor

me.

“Please,Harrison.”

Bitingmylip,Ihaltedbythefrontdoorofthe

cottageI’dsecuredandspunaround.“Youcan’t!
Iinterceptedapackageyesterday!”

Shestilled,hereyeswideningwithfear.

“Whatkindofpackage?”

“Apackagethatwouldhaveblownyour

prettylittleheadrightintoSanta’slapatthe
northpole.”

Heralreadypalefaceblanchedfurther,and

shelickedherdrylips.“ButIwasn’tevenhome
yesterday.”

“No,youweren’t,butthatdoesn’tmeanthat

everyoneelseknewthat.Themediahadbeen
informedthatyouwerereleasedyesterday
morning.Itwasaforcedactionbymyselfand
thepolicetomakeiteasiertogetyououttoday.
Thereforethefocusfromthehospitalwas
alreadygone.Thebombwasfoundonyourback
doorstepyesterdayafternoon,buriedinthe
bellyofanenormousbrownbear.”

“Jesus.”
ShewasquietasIhelpedherintothesmall

house.I’dusedthisplaceafewtimesandits
locationwassuperb.Itwashiddeninthedepths
ofthecountryside,butopenenoughformeto
keepwatch.Securitywasexcellent;hidden
camerasspannedathousandmetersradiusthat
triggeredanalarmwhenanyactivitywas
determined.

“Sorryit’ssmall,butI’msurewe’llfigureit

out.”

Lookingalittlewithdrawn,shenodded

faintlywhileshestudiedhernewhomefor
howeverlongthisshittook.“I’msure.”

Shewaspale,andafterhelpingherontothe

sofa,Iwentinsearchofakettle.

“Doyouhaveanythingstrongerthantea?”

sheshoutedasIstartedtoscoopcoffeeand
sugarintosomecups.

Ismirked.I’dpre-bookedthehouseknowing

we’dneedsupplies.Luckily,Benjamin,theguy
wholookedaftertheplacewithhiswife,wasa
bitofadrinkeranditwasalwaysanessentialon
hisshoppingorder.

“Yousureyoushoulddrinkonyourmeds?”I

askedasIwalkedbackintotheroomand
openedthecupboardstoringmanybottlesof
variousspirits.

“DoIlooklikeIcarerightnow?”
Shrugging,Iheldahandout,showingherthe

choicesofboozeavailable.Shetwistedherlips
andsaid,“Let’sstartwiththewhisky.”

“Startwith?”
“Mm-hmm.Ihaveafeelingit’sgoingtobea

longassday.”

Laughing,Inoddedinagreement.“Yeah.”
Shestiffened,pullinghershouldersback.

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”

Shakingmyheadinfrustration,Isighed.

“You’vejustsaidit’sgoingtobealongday.I
agreed.HowcomeI’mtheonebeingfunny?”

Shetookthewhiskyfromme,hereyes

blazingwithindignation,butsherefrainedfrom
answeringandknockedbackthefullmeasureof
harshgoldenliquid.

“Jesus.”Shecoughedandpulledafacewhen

thecheapalcoholburntherthroat.“IthinkI’ll
sticktovodka,thatstuffisthesamewhatever
theprice.”

“Notreally,”Idisagreed.
“AreyougoingtobickerabouteverythingI

havetosaytoday?”

Toppingupmyglass,Igaveinandswallowed

anotherretort.Lilyclickedhertongueand
smirked,thinkingshe’dwon.Iwastiredofthe
quarrelling,frustratedwiththesightofhertits
strainingagainstthecottonofhert-shirtand
tensewiththeamountofconcentrationittook
tobealerttoanysoundsorsensesthatmaybe
off.

Icouldn’tdrinktoomuchalcohol,Ineededto

stayvigilant,soIaddedsomeiceandalittle
watertomynextshot.Lilydidn’tseemtohave
thesameoutlookwhensheprisedherselfoffthe
sofaandlimpedacrosstheroomtofillherglass
tothebrimwiththeequallycheapvodka.

Thegrimaceonherfaceaftershetooka

mouthfultoldmeIhadbeenright;notallvodkas
tastethesamewhatevertheirprice.

Noticingmewatchingherwithasmirkonmy

face,Lilyclearedherthroatandtookanother
mouthful.“Mmm,goodstuff,”shelied.

“Uh-huh.”
Shufflingbackovertothesofa,sheeased

herselfdowngentlyandsettledback.

“So,”Iturnedtowardsher.“Weneedtogo

overthekidnapping.”

“I’mnotsureanythingaboutthatwillhelp

withthis,Harrison.”

“Perhapsnot,butit’sstillworthashot.”
Shelookedalittleapprehensive,theprevious

indifferencewheneverIhadmentioneditnow
gone.

“Okay,whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Everything.Startatthebeginning.”Iasked,

tryingtokeepmyvoicesoft.Myphonerangin
mypocket,butIignoredit.Weneededtotalk
aboutthis,andIdidn’twanttoputLilyoffwhile
shewasfinallyrecountingwhathappenedtoher
eightyearsago.

Shetookanothergulpofvodkaandgritted

herteeth.“Mumhadsentacartopickmeup
fromschool,butthecarIgotintowasn’ttheone
she’dsent.”

Shewasvague,butthetrembleinhervoice

toldmewhy.“Haveyouevertalkedaboutit,

Lily?”

“Tothepolice,yes.”
Iobservedhercarefully.Shewasgnawingon

herliplikeitwasherlastsupper.Herhands
shook,causingthevodkatoswisharoundthe
glass,andoneofherlegsjumpedupanddown.

“Iknowthisishardonyou,”Iexpressed

softly,takinghershakinghandinmineand
squeezingtogiveheralittleencouragement.
“Butifithelpscatchthisguythenthepositives
willoutweighthenegatives.”

“Thenegatives?”shehissed,angrywithmy

choiceofwords.“Myemotions,mymemories,
they’renotnegatives!”shesnapped.“They’re
fuckingharrowing.Excruciating.Theycripple
me.Theymakethebloodthatrunsthroughme
corrodeeverysingleveininmybody.Mymind
can’tcope,anditaches,Harrison,itfucking
aches.I’dsaythat’smorethanjustabloody
negative.”

“Iknow,”Iwhispered.Oninstinct,thesightof

thefirsttearthatplungedoffherchinandfell
ontoherchesthadmepullinghergentlyintomy
arms.Sheburiedherfaceinmychest,grabbing
handfulsofmyt-shirtlikeitwouldsaveher
fromthememoriesI’dmadeherthinkabout.

Ilethercry.Ihadafeelingthatshe’dnever

actuallyspokenaboutthisforalongtime,and
especiallynotwithanyonethatsharedherlife.

Talkingtothepoliceisdifferentthanfacingthe
realitiesofwhathappenedwithyourfamily.

“It’sokay;Icangobackoverthepolice

statementsinstead.”

Eachsobthatrippedfromhermademychest

achethatlittlebitmore.Iheldontohertightly,
savingherfromthecliffshewasscaredoffalling
off.

“Themanwasinhislatetwenties,”she

whispered,stillclungtomelikeIcoulddouse
theflamesofthememoriesblisteringherfrom
theinsideout.

Closingmyeyes,Iprayedshe’dstayinthe

momentwithme.“Whatdidhelooklike?”

“Blondehair.Irememberhisnose;itwas

quitebigandcrooked.Hehadascarunderneath
hisrighteye.”Sheshivered.“Andbreaththat
couldhaveknockedarhinoout.”

Ididn’twanttoaskwhyshe’dbeensoclose

sherememberedwhathisbreathsmeltlike,but
Ihadto.“Didhehurtyou,Lily?”

Shetensedinmyarmsandmaskedherface

inthefabricofmyt-shirtbutdivertedpastmy
question.“Hewasthemanthatseemedtogive
alltheorderstothetwoothers.”

“So,therewerethreeofthemintotal?”
Nodding,shehiccupped,yetappearedtobe

muchcalmer.“Yes.Anothermanandawoman.”

“Describethemforme,sweetheart.”

Fromherdescription,Iwonderedifthey

wereRussian,andsheconfirmedmythoughts
whenshesaid,“Fromtheiraccents,I’dguess
theywereallRussian.”

Inoddedtomyself,myinstinctsalwaysspot

on.

“Youwerewiththemfortwoweeksbefore

theysenttheransomtoyourparents,right?”

Herheadremainedburiedinmychestwhen

shenodded,herfacehiddenawayfrommyeyes.
“Yes.”

I’dalreadyreadtheinitialcasenotes,but

theywerequiteclinicalandbasic,asthough
Lily’smemorieshadbeenslightlyrepressedat
thetimeoftheinterview,whichwasoftenthe
casewherechildrenwereinvolved.Shehad
deniedanysexualassault,butIgotthefeeling
shehadfelttooashamedatthetimetodisclose
thatparttoherinterviewer.Ihadfoundit
strangethough,asI’dreadthroughthefile,why
theinterviewingofficerhadn’tpushedharderto
findoutwhatreallyhappened.Lilyhadrefuseda
medicalexamination,andthathadalarmbells
ringinginstantlyforme,sowhynotforthem?

Imadeamentalnotetodigdeeperintothe

caseandthedetectivewhohadinterviewedher.

Forthesecondtime,myphonerang.

Grumblingundermybreathattheintrusion,I
pulleditfrommypocket.

Frowning,IanswereditstraightawaywhenI

sawwhowascalling.“Tammy?”

“Harry.”Shesoundedbreathlessand

distraught,andIsatupstraighter.“It’sPhilly.”

“I’monmyway.”
“We’reatStLuke’s.”
Lily,sensingmyanguish,satupandlookedat

me.“What’swrong?”

Ihisseda“Fuck”undermybreathwhenI

realisedIcouldn’tleaveheralone.“Getyour
coat.Weneedtogo.Now!”

Shedidn’targue.Noddingtome,shemoved

quicklydespitethepainshemusthavebeenin.
Assheslidintothecar,thegroanofpainshe
releasedmademefeellikeacompleteshit.But
shenevercomplainedoraskedwhatwas
happening.Shesenseditwasimportanttome
andthatwasenoughforhertoacceptmyneed
tohurry.

InevershiftedasquicklyasIdidthen.My

heartwouldn’tbeatagainuntilPhilly’shandwas
securelyinmineandherlargeblueeyeswere
lockedonmine.

Ten

LILY

IwishedHarrisonwouldhaveplonkedmein

oneofthewheelchairswhichhadbeenstacked
likesupermarkettrolleysbythefrontdoorsof
thehospital.WhyhehadinsistedthatIcame
alongwasbeyondme.Heranthroughthe
corridorsataspeedIwasstrugglingtokeepup
with.Mybackhurtandmylegsfeltlikejelly,but
Igrittedmyteethandchasedafterhim.

Clearly,thenewshehadreceivedhadn’tbeen

good.Forone,wewereatahospital,sothatwas
badenoughinitself,butthewayhisfacehad
paledwhenhe’dtakenthecallmeantitwas
concerningsomeonesignificanttohim.Iprayed
itwasn’tawife.AlthoughIwasn’tentirelysure
whythatwouldbeanissue.

Enteringaward,hehurriedovertothe

receptionist.“PhillipaCole?”

Cole?Jesus,hewasfuckingmarried!
“Roomfour.Downthecorridorandonthe

left.”

Harrisonnodded,grabbedmyhand,andtook

offagain.Icouldbarelybreathewhenheflung
openthedoorandhurriedinside.

“Tammy,”hegreetedsourly.Hisusualsurly

selfwasnotexclusivetomethen.

Atallwomanstoodfromwhereshesat

besidethebed.Sweepingherlongblondehair

outofherface,sherushedovertoHarrisonand
fellintohisarms.Herheart-wrenchingsobs
swallowedtherhythmicbeepsfromthearrayof
machinesintheroom.

“Howisshe?”
Ifeltawkwardandtookastepbackwhen

theybothturnedtolookatthelittlegirllaidon
thebed,hertinyframeshroudedinathinwhite
sheet.

“Theythinkit’smeningitis.Notagain,Harry!

Notagain.”

MymindracedwithmanythoughtsasI

watchedhusbandandwifecowertothehorror
thatfacedthem.

FromwhatIcouldtell,thegirllookedtobe

aroundnineandwasasblondeasTammy.A
massofyellowtressescascadedoveracrisp
whitepillow.Herlipslookedextrapinkagainst
thebackdropofpaleskinandherlongthick
eyelashesframedeyesthatwerepeacefully
closed.

Harrisondroppedintothechairandtookhis

daughter’shand.Althoughhismouthmoved,he
didn’tspeaktoher.Instead,heopenedherhand
anddrewtinylittlesymbolsoverherpalmashe
spokesilentlytohimself.

“Hi.”
IblinkedwhenTammysmiledsoftlyatme.I

couldtellshesensedmyfeelingofawkwardness

whensheheldoutherhand.“I’mTammy.You
mustbeLily,Harrison’stoldmealotaboutyou.”

“Hehas?”Imumbledstupidly,mygaze

flickingtoHarrisonwhowasstillcompletely
absorbedinhisdaughter.

Tammygrimaced.“Iknowhe’snever

supposedtotellanyoneaboutwhoheworks
with,butI’malwayssoexcitedbyhisjobthatI
bullyhimuntilhegivesinandtellsme.Philly
andIplayagamewheneverHarrygetsanew
client.”Shesmiledsadly.“Phillyalwayswins
andguessesit.It’slikeshehasthissixthsense
whenitcomestoherdad.”Swallowingheavily,
herfacepaledandswellsoftearsfilledhereyes
whenshelookedbackatherdaughter.“Shewas
soexcitedwhenshefoundoutHarrywas
protectingyou.She’sahugeQuantumRockfan,
andshebeggedhimtolethermeetyou.”She
shookherheadquicklyasifshe’dsaid
somethinginappropriate.“Althoughweknow
Harrycouldn’teverdothat.Thatwouldbeso
rude.”

Painandworrypouredfromherin

suffocatingwaves,andmyheartbrokeforher.
Nothingbutdesolationandhopelessness
reflectedfromhereyes,andthewayher
shoulderssaggedwithexhaustionandherlegs
trembledhadmeleadingherovertothebedand
settlingherdownonit.

Harrison,asifnoticingmeforthefirsttime,

lookedupandgroanedwhenhesawmyhandin
Tammy’sassheheldontomelikeIcouldmake
itallbetterforher.“Shit,I’msosorry.Lily,thisis
Tammy,myex-wife.”

Ididn’tunderstandwhyIwassorelievedby

theword‘ex’.Harrison’sprivatelifehadnothing
todowithme.Yet,afterspendingnearlya
monthwithhim,eventhenewthingsIlearned
fromhim,andabouthim,stillsurprisedme.He
wassuchasolitaryman,histhoughtsand
feelingsveryprivate.Thenagain,weallhad
secrets.Hell,Ihadashittonofthem.

Thedooropenedandwhenadoctorwalked

inIofferedtostepoutside,butHarrison
wouldn’thaveanyofit.

“YoustaywhereIcanseeyou,Lily,”he

orderedsternly,hiseyesfixedonmeinwarning.
IwassurehethoughtIwoulddoarunner.Like
thatwouldbewisewithacrazymotherfucker
afterme.And,besides,Icouldn’tbloodyrunfor
toffee.

Tammyattemptedtohidetheamusement

fromherfaceandrolledhereyesatme,
apparentlywellversedwithHarrison’sbarked
commands.

“Wehaveruledoutmeningitis,”thedoctor

announced.

ThereliefthatspiltfromnotonlyHarrison

andTammy’slongexhalationsbutalsotheir
posturesphysicallylightenedthestiflingairin
theroom.

“So,what’swrongwithher?”Harrison

barked.

Thedoctor,seeminglyignoranttoHarrison’s

lackoftact,shookhisheadslowly.“All
indicationsareleadingtoavirus.”

“Isn’tthatwhatyoudoctorsalwayssayfor

‘Wehavenobloodyidea’?”

“Harry!”Tammychastisedwithascowl

beforesheturnedbacktothedoctorandsighed.
“So,she’sgoingtobeokay?”

“Evenifitdoesn’tlooklikeitrightnow,

Phillipaisrespondingwelltotreatment.Her
temperatureisnowatagoodsteadylevel.
Learningfromtheregularobservations,her
bodyappearstobehandlingtheinfectionmuch
betterthanwhenshewasbroughtin.”

“Thankfuck!”Tammysaid,blowingouta

longbreathwhenthedoctorvacatedtheroom.

“Gofreshenupandgetsomefoodinyou,”

Harrisontoldher.“We’llstayforawhile.”

“That’sokay,you’reworking,Harry.”
“Tammy,justforonce,doasyou’retold.”
Shesighedandshookherheadatme.“You

wouldn’tthinkwe’vebeendivorcedforfive
years.”

ShescurriedawaywhenHarrisonbithislip

andscowled.

“Ijustthoughtitwasmethatmadeyousucha

grumpybugger.NowIknowit’sjustthewayyou
are!”Isnorted.

Turningthescowlonme,hecockedhishead.

“Ijustthoughtitwasmethatmadeyousodamn
irritating.But,alas,Ifearyou’rethesamewith
everyone,”hecounteredwiththatbloody
annoyingsmirkofhis.

“Fuckyou,”Imumbledlight-heartedlyasI

slidontothebottomofPhilly’sbed.“Howoldis
she?”

“Eight.”
Heplantedhimselfbackinthechairbeside

her,andthesoftsmilethatliftedhislipswhen
helookedathisdaughterbroughtasmileofmy
own.

“She’sverypretty.Clearly,shetakesafterher

mum.”

Hescoffed.
“But,Itakeitshehasyourstrength,soshe’ll

bejustfine.”

Heshookhisheadbutdidn’tturnhisgaze

fromPhilly.“Nah.I’mnotstrong.Shegetsthat
fromhermothertoo.”

“Howlongwereyoumarriedfor?”Ifelt

intrusive,butIgenuinelywantedtoknowthis
sideofHarrison,apartIwouldneverhave
imaginedcouldexist.

“Threeyears.Phillywasthecreationofa

drunkennight.I’veknownTammyallmylife.
Wewerechildhoodfriends.Onenightshecame
tominewithabottleofwhisky,upsetoverthe
dickheadboyfriendofhersthathadtakenofffor
themillionthtime.Godonlyknowswhat
happenedthatnight,butwewokeupthenext
morningonthefloor,naked.Nextthing,Tammy
waspregnant.”

HisopennessstunnedmeforamomentandI

satstaringathim.

Evidently,hetookmysilenceasscepticism

becauseheadded.“Andyes,she’smine.Wehad
aDNAtestdonetomakesurePhillywasn’tthe
dickhead’s.”

Ishookmyheadquickly.“No,Iwasn’t

thinkingthat.I’mjustalittleshockedhowyou
steppedupandmarriedher.”

Thewayhiseyebrowsliftedtoldmemy

runawaymouthhadonceagainspatwordvomit
everywhere,andIcringed.“Ididn’tmeanthat
likeitsoundedeither.Justthat,umm…”

Ishruggedandshutup.
“Youknownothingaboutme,Lily.Just

becausewespendeverydamnminuteoftheday
togetherdoesn’tmeanIshouldallowyouinmy
fuckinglife!”

Irearedback,woundedbyhisspitefulness.I

hadnoideawhereithadcomefrom,buttheway

Harrisonalsoglaredatmetoldmehehadmeant
everyword.

Hismeannessshouldn’thaveupsetme.I

shouldn’thavecaredwhathethoughtofme,but
Icouldn’thelpit.

Noddingsadly,Ibitmyliptostopmyself

fromcrying.“I’msorryI’mtakingupsomuchof
yourtime.I’llforwardtheremainderofyour
pay.Youknow,theextortionateamountof
moneyyougetfor‘spendingeverydamnminute
oftheday’withme!”

“Lily!”hewarnedwhenIopenedthedoor.

“YouknowIcan’tleavePhilly!Don’tyoufucking
dare!”

Islippedoutoftheroomandintothehustle

ofthebusyhospital.

AndIwenthome.

Eleven

LILY

Icurledalipattheridiculous,ever-

increasingfaredisplayedonthecab’s
dashboard.Bloodyhell,evidently,wereallyhad
beeninthemiddleofnowhere.Eventhetaxi
driverhadtophonemethreetimesbecausehe
couldn’tfindthecottage,andthenthestupid
securitygateswouldn’tallowhimthrough.At
onepoint,asIambleddownthemile-long
driveway,Ihadexpectedatranquilliserdartto
shootatmefromthemassofbushesandgrowth
liningthepath.

HandingoverthecashandwonderingifI

couldclaimitbackonexpenses,thedriver
tippedmeawink.“You’rethatrockbird.”

Rockbird?
Iwasn’tsureifIwasoffendedduetothefact

he’dbeengivingmetheeyethroughhismirror
forthelasttwoandahalfhoursandonlyjust
realisedwhoIwas,ormortifiedthatIcouldn’t
haveaprivatelifeanymore.Iprayedmyjourney
wasn’tfrontpagenews,thehorrorthatI’d
thrownupintoacarrierbaginthepoorman’s
backseatnowbecomingevenmoresickening.I
hatedtravelsickness…Well,itmayhavebeen
thebottleofcheapvodkathatI’dswipedfrom
thecottagesideboardanddrownmysorrowsin
asI’dlimpeddownthegargantuandriveway.

Hopefully,thecabdriverdidn’thaveacamera
phone.Tomorrow’snewspaper,brandishinga
photoofmehobblingdownthedrivewitha
bottleofvodkastuckinmygobandmyeyes
dartingfromlefttorightasI’dwaitedtobe
piercedbyabloodypoisonarrowwouldplease
Frank,myagent,noend!

“Youtakecare,luv,”hedeclaredloudly,

makingmejumpashesnappedmeoutofmy
thoughts.“Ireadthenews,lass,Iknowsome
sickfuckerisafteryou.I’llwaituntilyou’rein
thehouseandhaveturnedthelightsonbeforeI
pullaway.”

Themanearnthimselfatennertipandakiss

onthecheek.

IshiveredwhenIsteppedintothehallway,

thechillthehousehaddevelopedfrombeing
emptyquicklyseepingdeepintomybones.
FlickingonthelighttonotifythedriverIwas
okay,andturningthethermostatuphigh,I
pickedupthemassofpostfromthematand
walkedintothekitchen.

Themailfellfrommyfingersandmyscream

reboundedoffthewallswhenIfounda
gloweringHarrisonsatatthetable.“Whatthe
hell,Harrison!”Howthehellhadhegotbackso
quick?And,Jesus,hecouldhavesavedmea
bloodyshittonontaxifare!

Heremainedtight-lippedasheslowlypushed

hischairbackandstoodup.

Itookastepback.
Hetookasteptowardsme.
Thedoorhandledugintomysorebackwhen

Icoweredbackontoit.

“Itoldyounottoleave!”
Thesalivainmymouthevaporatedwhenhe

pressedhismassive,anger-filledbodyagainst
mineandloomedoverme.

“DidI,ordidInot,tellyounot–to–leave,

Lily?”

“Mm-hmm,”Iansweredwithasingleslow

nod.“Iseemtorecallsomethinglikethat.”

Healsonodded.“Mm-hmm.So,wouldyou

liketotellmewhyyoutookyourlittle,irritating
selfbacktothecottage,packedupyourshit,and
thencamebackhere?”

“Umm.”
“Thereisacrazy,sick,ruthlessbastardtrying

tokillyou,Lily.Doesthatnotpenetrateyour
thickskull?Let’sgetonethingstraight,”he
growled.“Ifyouwanttodie,that’sfine.Nothing
wouldgivemegreaterpleasure.Wecanskipall
thisprotectionbullshitandI’llmurderyou
myself!”

Heseemedangry.Icouldhavebeenmistaken

ofcourse.

“Youhurtme.”Myeyeswidenedatmyown

words.Ihadn’tmeanttosayit;Ididn’twanthim
toknowjusthowmuchheaffectedme.Ididn’t
carewhathethoughtofme.Ididn’t.

“Why?”Hedidn’tappearstunnedbymy

revelation,justcurious,maybe.

Igulpedandshookmyhead.“Itdoesn’t

matter.”

Narrowinghiseyes,hepressedfurtherinto

me.IswearIcouldfeeltheoutlineofhiscock
againstmybelly–anditwasn’tsmall.

“Why?”herepeatedharshly.“Tellmewhy!”
Myeyesstungandasharppainburntmy

throat.Thebloodinmyveinstwitchedandmy
heartbeatstuttered.

“Notnow!”IpleadedundermybreathasI

closedmyeyesandtriedtosortmyselfout.“No.”

“Lily?”
Mymindbecamehazyasfantasyspiders

woveasuffocatingwebaroundmybrain,
trappingmythoughtsintheirstickytrap.Each
breathbecameshallowpoolsoftorment,
tighteningmychest.Strugglingforair,I
thumpedatmybreastbone,labouringwithmy
lungstoreleasetheairstuckinthem.Ahotfever
eruptedasmyporesfoughttoliberatetheswell
ofheatundermyskin,andIflattenedmysweaty
palmsonthedoorbehindme.

HarrisoncaughtmewhenIslowlysliddown

andfainted.

Twelve

HARRISON

SherefusedtolookatmewhenIhandedher

theglassofwater.Herhandsshookalmostas
muchasherlegs,andthegoosepimplesthat
burstacrossherskinsecuredthefocusofmy
gaze.

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”
Shenoddedatthefloorandtookasipof

water.

“Lily?”Icrouchedbeforeherandtookher

chininmyfingerstodirectherfaceupwards.
Thedistressinhereyesmademyguttwist.“I
didn’tmeantoupsetyou.”

“Honestly,I’mfine.Justhungry.”
“Hmm.”
AlthoughIwantedtobelieveher,Ididn’t.I

wassureI’dputthefearofGodintoher.Ihad
alwaysstruggledtocontainmytemper,butwith
Lilyitwasdifferent.Ididn’tknowwhy,or
preciselyhowsheevokedsomanydamn
emotionsinme,butIcouldn’tseemtocontrol
themaroundher.Mythoughtsandfeelingswere
savagewhenitcametoher;everysingle
sensationandreactionseemedintensified
whereLilyfuckingCooperwasconcerned.I
struggledwithhowtohandlethem.So,Itook
myfrustrationoutonher.

Shewasundeniablyembarrassed,oruneasy

aroundme,soIwentinsearchoffood.Her
fridge,understandably,wasempty,butfinding
pastaandvariousingredientsforasauceinher
cupboardIspentthenexthalfanhourrustling
upsomefoodforusboth.

Anincomingcallcutintothemusicblasting

frommyphoneand,turningthesaucedowntoa
simmer,IbegrudginglyansweredwhenIsaw
thenamedisplayed.“Ann.”

Myteethvibratedwiththegratingsoundof

hervoice.AsmuchasIdidn’twanttospeakto
her,IknewIhadto.GlancingintoLily’sfront
room,Iwasrelievedtoseeshehaddisappeared,
presumablytothebathroom.Evenso,Istill
closedthedoorformoreprivacy.

“ItoldyouIwasright,Harrison.Ican’t

believeyoudidn’ttrustme.Thathurtmemore
thananythingelseyou’veeverdone.”

Rubbingmytiredeyes,Isighed.“Yeah.But

thenyou’veneveractuallygivenmeanygood
reasontotrustyou,haveyou?”

“Youcanbeacompletepigattimes;you

knowthat?”

“Yeah,youkeeptellingme,soI’mmorethan

awareofthatfactnow.”

Notevenaminuteintothecallandshewas

alreadypissingmethehelloff.Tryingtozone
outasshewentintoanotheroneofherusual
tirades,mygazefelltothepileofmailonLily’s

table.I’dbeenmonitoringitforsolongitwas
nowsecondnatureforhertoputittooneside
forme.

“Areyouevenfuckinglisteningtome,

Harrison?”Annbellowed.Ishouldhavejust
endedthecallandblockedherfromeverything
wheremylifewasconcerned.ButIwasn’tthat
muchofanarsehole,despitewhatAnn
reckoned.

“Yeah.”
Siftingthroughthevariousletters,asmall

paddedenvelopeacquiredmyattention.
Tuckingthephonebetweenmyearand
shoulder,Islidmyfingerunderthelipand
openedit.SurprisedtofinditcontainedaUSB,I
grabbedmylaptopandinserteditintotheport
asIreadthesmallnotethataccompaniedit.

‘Tomorrow,Iwillforwardinstruction.Ifyou

don’tfollowmycommand,Iwilluploadthisto

YouTube.Inseventy-twohourstheworldwillsee

whatawhoreyoureallyare.

Sinnersareaninfectionthatmustbepurged

fromthisearth.’

“Holy-Fuck!”
“What?”Annfinallyshutupgripingwhenshe

heardtheshockinmyvoice.“Harrison?”

“Gottago.”

ShestutteredsomethingIcouldn’thearasI

endedthecall.

Icouldn’tremovemyeyesfromthescreen.I

wasn’tsurewhoIwasmorefuriousat,the
motherfuckingcuntwhohaddonethis,or
myself.Iclenchedmyjawwhenmycock
strainedatthesightofanakedLily
masturbatinginthebath.Itwasonaloop.I
watchedhercomerepeatedly.Hercreamy
thighswerepartedandherhanddisappeared
underthewater.Thepleasureonherfacehad
mybreathingcominginshort,sharpbursts,the
eroticsightmakingmyballsache.Herback
arched,pushinghersofttitsupwardsasher
headfellbackandhermouthformedaperfect
‘O’.

“Motherfucker!”IfinallyhissedasIforced

myselftoslamthelaptopshut.

ItonlythenoccurredtomethatLilywasn’tin

theroomwhereIlefther.Shewasinthe
bathroom–wheresomefuckerhadsetupa
hiddencamera.

Takingthestairstwoatatime,Iburst

throughthebathroomdoor.Butallthoughtsof
hiddencamerasflewfrommymindwhenthe
scenethatgreetedmemademyheartfalter.

Lilyscrambledupfromwhereshesatonthe

floor.Thehorroronherfaceassheattemptedto
coverherselfandthevariousthingsaroundher

onlyheightenedtheshockthatnumbedevery
partofme.

“GETOUT!”shescreamedassherushedto

shoveeverythingintoabinliner.

Foralongmoment,Icouldn’tmove,eventhe

bloodinmyveinsfrozeinshock.Butthenrage
shovedasidethedisbelief.

Shescrewedherfaceup,forcinghereyes

closedsoshewouldn’thavetolookatmewhenI
grabbedholdofthetopsofherarmsandshook
her.“Whatthehell,Lily?Whatthefuck!Why?”

Hereyessnappedopenandthevehemencein

herglareonlyangeredmefurther.“Thishas
nothingtodowithyou,Harrison.”

“Idon’tfuckingcareifithasanythingtodo

withmeornot!Whatthehelliswrongwith
you?”

Herjawtrembledwithfury,butthepuddles

oftearsinhereyesexhibitedsomuchdespair
thatmyrageinstantlyevaporated.

“Itwasjustacoupleoflines.”
JesusChrist.“Justacoupleoflines?”
Looseningmygriponher,Iflungmyarms

aroundherandpulledherintomybody.She
foughtwithmetobeginwith,hertinyfists
beatingatmychestuntilalltheresentment
dissolvedandnothingbutmiserystreamedfrom
herinthick,rawsobs.

“Ican’tstop,”shewept.“I’vetriedsohard.

ButIcan’t!”

“It’sokay.Shh,”IsoothedasIstrokedmy

handoverherhair.Itwasfarfromokay,butfor
onceLilydidn’tneedmytyrannytosortouther
shit.

MymindracedwiththeimagesofwhatIhad

burstinto,repulsionmakingmystomachcramp.
Tome,itdidn’tmakesense.Except,toLily,it
wasn’tjusthabit;itwasanaddiction.Whatis
more,unlessyouwereequallydependenton
somethingthenyoucouldn’teverexperienceor
understandtheabsoluteneeditbrought.

“I’msorry,”shecriedintomeasthoughshe

beggedformyforgiveness.Butitwasn’tmineto
give.

Sheclungtomeharder,usingmeasan

antidotetothepoisonedthoughtsinsideher
head.Butnoonecouldhealthosewoundsfor
her.ThatwasuptoLily.Although,Ihadafeeling
thatshewasn’treadytogiveuphersickneed.
Notyetanyway.

Thirteen

LILY

Ididn’tknowwheretolook.Myeyesshifted

fromthewalltothemirror,tothebathtub,and
thenbacktowhereHarrisonperchedbetween
myopenthighs.

Theconcentrationonhisfaceashetenderly

workedmadethisalltheharder.Gently,he
wipedthecottonballacrosseachfreshly
scouredlineinmyskin,wipingdelicatelyatthe
bloodasitbubbledtothesurfacebehindeachof
hisswabs.Iknewhewouldn’tunderstand,no
onecould.Butthewayhehadhandledmehad
beenasurprise.Ihadn’texpectedempathy,
especiallynotfromhim,but,yetagainanother
newsidetohimstunnedme.

Ihissedwhentheantisepticstungthedeep

gaugeinmyflesh.Harrison’seyesdartedtomy
face.Hewassilentforalongtime,justquietly
staringatmewithacreasedbrow.Helooked
likehehadtheworriesoftheworldonhis
shouldersand,unconsciously,Ireachedoutand
strokedtheedgeofmythumboverhis
cheekbone.

Thetormentinhisgazesoftenedandhe

exhaledslowlywhenIbroughtmythumbtohis
lipsandstrokedthesoftflesh.“I’msorry.”Ihad
noideawhyIwasapologisingbut,oddly,the
thoughtofdisappointinghimsaddenedme.

“Allclear,LilyCooper?”hewhisperedaround

myfingers.

Thesmoothnessofhisvoicemademesmile

softly.“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

Shakinghimself,hemovedbackandstood

up,droppingthefewsoiledcottonballsintothe
binbag.Perchinghimselfontheedgeofthebath
nexttome,hesighed.“Youneedhelp.”

Lookingawayfromhim,Ishookmyhead.“I

haveitundercontrol.”

Hedidn’tbelieveme.Hell,Ididn’tbelieveme.
“Lily,theremustbeatleastthirtyscarson

yourinnerthighs.IknowIdon’tunderstand,no
onecan,exceptyou.But…”Hedirectedmyface
backtohiswithadelicatetouchofhisfingers
undermychin.“Iwanttounderstand.Iwantto
help.”

“Why?”Iwasgrowingmoreandmore

humiliated,histendernessjustmakingitworse.
Iwantedhimtobeangrywithme,toshoutand
scream.Anythingwouldhavebeenbetterthan
thetotalfeelingofworthlessnesssuckingatmy
soul.

Hedrewinalongbreathandshookhishead

sadly.“BecauseIcare.”

Myeyeswidened,andIrearedbackslightly,

stunnedbyhisrevelation.“Youcare?Howcan
youcare?”

Hehuffed,theearlieraffectionhelookedat

mewithvanishingbeforemyeyes.“Whyisno
oneallowedtocareforyou,Lily?”

“What?”
“You’resuchadamnstubbornwoman!You’re

soclosedoffsometimesIfeellikeIneeda
crowbartoeventalktoyou.Stopusingyour
pastasanexcuseandfaceitheadon!”

Heatfloodedmyface,butwhenItriedtoturn

awayagain,heshookhisheadangrily.“Stop
hidingfromme!Stophidingfromthetruth.Most
ofall,stophidingfromyourself!Acceptit!”

Myheadshook,andItriedtomoveaway,but

hisfirmholdonmyarmsstoppedanychanceof
escape.Tearsswampedmyeyesandwhenthe
scorchofthemburnedmyalreadyhotcheeks,I
hitoutathimandpunchedhiminhischest.

“Stopit!Stopdoingthis!”
“No!”hethundered,makingmeblink.“You

stop!Acceptit,Lily.Acceptwhattheydidtoyou
andstarthealingfromit!”

Stunnedbytheknowledgehehad,Igaspedin

horror.Wordswouldn’tform,myheartwouldn’t
beat,andshamecloggedmythroat.

“Iknowwhattheydidtoyou,Lily.Iknow

theyhurtyou.Shameandblamearen'tevena
factor,butIknowthat’swhatyouthinkyou
shouldfeel.Whathappenedwasn’tyourfault,
Lily.Itwasn’t!”

Isnappedthen,thelasteightyearsof

torturousdegradationbreakingdownthedam
thatIhaderectedtoholdeverythingback.

“Itwasmyfault!ITWAS!”
“Utter–fucking–bullshit!”
“Youdon’tknow!”Isobbed,beatingmyfists

athimwitheverybitofhorrorthatrushedfrom
me.“Igavemyselftothem.Theydidn’ttakeit.I
gaveittothem!”Theagonyofitalltookmy
breath,andIgulpedatairwhentheroomspun
fromunderme.

Harrisontookmywrath.Hestoodstill,

absorbingeverysinglehitthatIraineddownon
him.“Harder.Whatareyou,afuckinggirl?”

Iscreamed.Hewasn’tHarrisonanymore.He

washim.Hewasher.Hewaseverybitofthe
painthathadbrokenme.Hewaseverysingle
ounceofshame,andguiltandmiserythathad
consumedmeforwaytoolong.

“It’snotyourfault,”hewhisperedashelifted

upmyexhaustedbodyandcarriedmethrough
tothebedroom.“It’snotyourfault,LilyCooper.”

Layingmeonthebed,hecurledupbehind

meandwrappedmeinhisfierceembrace.

I’dneverfeltassafeasIdidrightthen.The

layerofarmourthathisembracedrapedover
mysoulgavemeasenseofutterpeace.

Itwastime.Andalthoughmymindconfused

itselfwiththefactthatIwantedtosharemy
storywithHarrison,amanIbarelyknew,my

soulknewitwasvitalifIwastosurvive.

“Theseconddaytheyheldme,”Istarted,

holdingontotoHarrison’sstrongarmsasthey
heldmetighter,“theythreatenedtotakemy
mothertoo.”

Ifelthimstiffen.Heunderstoodexactlywhat

Iwassaying.

“Iwasfourteen,Harrison.Atthetime,Ididn’t

figureoutthattheywerejustplayingme.Fear
obscuresrealitywithdeception.”

Henodded.“Youdon’tneedtovindicateyour

actions,Lily.Everysinglethingyoudidordidn’t
doisjustified.Pleasedon’tapologisefor
anythingthathappened.”

“Ibeggedthemnottohurther.Ipleadedwith

themuntilIcouldn’tbreathe.”Fattearsdropped
ontothepillowandIswipedatthem,angryat
howtheystungmycheeks.“They…TheysaidifI
fuckedthem…”Iclosedmyeyesandshivered,
eachmemoryhauntingmelikeitwasyesterday.
“…andmadeitworththeirwhile,they’dleave
heralone.”

“Iunderstand.”
Myteethchattered,andthepitofmystomach

vaultedwhenmymindrecalledeveryminuteof
thehorrorthathaddamagedme.

“Icame,Harrison,”Isobbedandpulledhis

armsaroundmetighter,needinghisprotection
toshieldmefromtheperversionofmyown

body.“Whothefuckorgasmswhenthey’re
raped?”

“You’dbesurprised,”hesaidsoftly.Turning

meover,soIwasfacinghim,hegentlywipedmy
tears.“Themindisoftenaroused,that’s
primarilythemostvitalpartofmakinglove.
But,”hepaused,makingsurehehadallmy
attention,“thebodyalsoreliesonstimulation
andtouch.Youthinkyourbodybetrayedyou,
but,really,itjustdidwhatitwassupposedtodo,
whatnatureintendedtoprovidefromsex.
Whetherit’ssexthatyouwantornot.”

“But…”
“Nobuts,Lily.Therearenobuts.Theonlybut

thereisiswhatyoutellyourselfoverandover
again.Yet,notoneofthoseisjustified.”Adeep
frowncreasedhisbrowwhenhiseyesfelltomy
mouth.Softly,hestrokedhisthumbacrossmy
lips,dabbingawaythewetnessfrommytears.
“Youhurtyourselfbecauseyouthinkyou
deserveit.Youcutyourselfbecauseyouthink
it’sjusticeforsomethingyouconsiderwrong
anddepraved.”

Histouchlightened,buthisfacehadbecome

soclosetominethatIcouldfeeleachofhis
warmbreathsgrazingmylips.

“Yes.”Itwasasimpleanswer,butitwasthe

rightone.

Thepainreflectedatmefromhiseyestold

methathealsohaddemonsthattuggedathis
conscience,thatmaybehewastalkingtohimself
aswellasme.

“Andwhataboutyou?”Iwhispered.Ididn’t

wanttomove.Iwantedtofeelhisbreathonmy
skinforever,therarepeacethathebreathed
intomemakingmysoulcurlupincontentment.

“Whataboutme?”
Heedgedfurthertowardsmeuntilhislips

werealmosttouchingmine.Eachofmybreaths
cameoutinneedypuffs,raw,undilutedneed
makingeveryfibreofmepulsewithanappetite
Ididn’twant.Yet,Icouldn’tstopit.I’dnever
wantedsomeonetokissmeasmuchasIdid
rightthen.Iwasashungryforhismouthon
mineasIwasgreedyforeachstabofpainI
mutilatedmyselfwith.ItwasacravingIknewI
wouldneverbeabletowithstand.

“Youhurtfromsomething,Harrison.Your

pasthauntsyouasmuchasminedoesme.Ican
seeyourpainlikeit’smyown.Whathappened
toyou?”

Hisfrownhardenedashiseyesnarrowedto

slits.Icouldtellfromthesuddenchangeinhim
thatI’dhitarawspot,awoundthathadnever
healed.Butitwasthewayhequicklyshotoffthe
bedandstormedfromtheroomthatrevealed
hismindwasasdisfiguredasmythighs.

Fourteen

LILY

HarrisonshookhisheadinfrustrationwhenI

glaredathimovermymorningcoffee.He’dhad
meupatthecrackofdawnwhenmyhousehad
beeninvadedbyhistechteamastheysearched
everyinchofmyhouseforhiddencameras.So
far,they’dfoundfourconcealeddevicesin
variousspotsaroundmyhome.

ThefactthatI’dbeenwatchedforsolong,

andthatI’dhadnoideaaboutit,sickenedme.
Whoeverwasdoingthishadsmashedeverybit
ofsecurityI’dhadinmyownhouse.

“Youknowyoucan’tstayhere,Lily!”
“ButIcan’tlivefromhoteltohotel,Harrison.

Ican’t.I’vedonethatforthelastsixmonths;it
nearoffkilledme.”

Hescoffed.“Isthatbecauseyoucouldn’tfuck

yourselfuponawhim?”

“Fuckyou,youarsehole!”
He’dwokenasgrumpyasIhad,andIhada

feelingitwassomethingtowithmyquestionthe
previousnight.Or,maybe,itcouldhavejust
beenthefactthatwhoeveritwasthatwantedto
killmehadjustuppedhisgame.Whateveritwas
thathadupsethim,thebitternessinhimwas
backinfullforce.Iwasn’tsureifIwasglador
saddenedbythat.Thefactthathe’dbecomealot
closerthanIlikedunsettledme.Harrison

seemedtothinkhehadarighttodisciplineme,
totellmewhatIcouldandcouldn’tdo.Myscars
weremine,and,really,theyweretheonlything
Itrulycontrolledinthemadnessofmymind.

Hesatinachairoppositeme,theplateof

toasthe’dpreparedlyingcoldandlimpinthe
middleofthetablebetweenus.Hisposturewas
stiff,andhisexpressionwasstonyashescowled
atme.Icouldn’tunderstandwhatI’ddone
wrong.However,Iwasn’tinthemoodforhis
frostiness,Ihadenoughproblemstodealwith.

“Yourcaptorssentyoubackaftertwo

weeks?”

Hisquestioncaughtmeoff-guardandI

blinkedinsurprise.“Umm,yes.”

“Yourparentspaidtheransom,andtheyjust

sentyouback?”Heappearedstupefiedbythat
factandthatconfusedme.

“Whyareyousurprised?Alltheywanted,in

theend,wasmoney.MumandDadpaidwhat
theyaskedfor,theyblindfoldedmeanddumped
mebyStMayer’shospital.Thepolicenever
foundanythingfurthertogoonafterthat.”

“Bullshit.”Hisvoicewasquiet,asthoughhe

wastalkingtohimself,hisbrowcreasedwith
scepticism.

“I’mnotlyingtoyou,Harrison!”
Shakinghishead,hetwistedhislipsin

thought.“No,Iknow.It’snotthat.”Hereached

outandstartedfiddlingwiththetoast,pickingat
itashisthoughtsranrampant.“EveryangleofSt
Mayer’siscoveredbyCCTV.Thereisnoway
theydidn’tfindanythingfromthesecurity
footage.”

“Youthinkwhoevertookmehassomething

todowithwhatisgoingonnow?”

“Idon’tknow,butit’stheonlythingIhaveto

goonatthemoment.I’mprayingthetechteam
cantracethesignallinkfromthecameras.”

Aclatterfromupstairsmademecringe.I

hatedthethoughtofstrangersgoingthroughmy
stuff.Still,itwasn’tasdisturbingassomeweirdo
doingthesamething.Ashiverrushedthrough
meatthethoughtofwhathe’dtouched,
everythingIownednowinfectedwithfilthand
sickness.

“Ican’tstayhere,Harrison.”
Hesighedheavilyandrolledhiseyes.“I’ve

beentellingyouthatsinceyouweredischarged
fromthehospital,butnowbecauseit’syour
decision,it’sokay.”

“Doyouhavetofightwithmeallthedamn

time?”

“Doyouhavetobeawkwardallthedamn

time?”

“God,”Isnappedthroughclenchedteeth,

“Rightnow,IwishIhadsomearsenicstockedin
thebloodycupboard!”

Hesnorted.“Rightnow,IwishIhadsome

chloroformandaraginmypocket.It’dbea
damnsightquieter!”

Snatchingupasliceoftoast,Itoreatitin

frustrationandreturnedcasually,“Peaceis
over-ratedanyway.”

Herearedbackinsurprise.“Whatthehell?”
Shrugging,Isedatelynibbledmoretoast,not

allowinghimtorilemefurther.“Well,itis.Your
mindplaystricksonyouinthequiet.Yourbody
becomeslazywhenthebrainisuntroubled.”

FromthewayhelookedatmeIcouldtellhe

didn’tconcur.“DoyouknowhowmuchIwould
killforsomepeacerightnow?”

Twistingmylips,Ismirked.“Well,youknow

youcanalwaysbuggeroffwithoutme.Atleast
you’dnothavetocheckyourcuppaforadodgy
smelleverytimeyou’reinthesameroomas
me.”

“Arsenicisodourless,Lily,”heretortedwith

asmuggrin.

Arsehole.
“Iknowthat!”Ifibbed.
“We’redone,Harry,”oneofthetechguys

said,pokinghisheadaroundthekitchendoor
andcuttingoffHarrison’ssmartreply.“Fivein
total.”

“Cheers,Ron.”Harrisonstoodandpulleda

pieceofpaperfromhispocketashewalked

fromtheroom,hisconversationwithRonquiet
andconcealedfrommyears.

MyphonerangandMark’snameonthe

screenmademesmile.“Hey.”

“Jesus,Lily.Ineedtotakesomelessonsfrom

youonhowtomaketheheadlines.”

Ilaughed;hissickhumourmatchedmyown.

“Well,IbelieveIhavecompetitionnowyou
madethetopten,neededtoupmygame.Well
doneonthat,bytheway.”

“Thankyou.But,seriously,areyouokay?”
“I’mfine.Alittleleadinthebellygivesme

fire.”

“Well,I’mpleasedtohearthat.AlthoughI

recallitwasabulletinyourback,notyour
belly,”herepliedwithalaugh.“So,you’re
healthyenoughtotakemeouttodinnerthen.”

Tryingtosuppressthegrinonmyface,I

shookmyheadinamusement.“There’sanoffer
agirlcan’trefuse.Whenwouldyouliketobe
takenoutfordinner,MrDenver?”

“Friday?”
“Sure.IcandoFriday.”
“Makesureyouforwardmethedetails,”he

saidbeforeendingthecall.

“WhatcanyoudoonFriday?”Harrisonasked

frombehindme,makingmejump.

“Jesus!”Igrumbled.“Doyouhavetosneakup

likethat?”

Hesighedandrolledhiseyes.“Ididn’tsneak

anywhere,Ijustwalkedbackintotheroom.”He
staredatme,hisscowlfiercewithirritation.“So,
Friday?”

Turningmybackonhimandclearingthe

table,Iplacedthepotsinthesink.“Ihavea
date.”

Astiflingsilencegreetedmeinsteadofthe

ravingoppositionIexpected,andIturnedback
around.Hisjawwasclenchedastightlyashis
fists,hisbodytenseandrigid.

“I’llmakesureIwearthebracelet,”I

promised.“Iwon’ttakeitoff.”Iwasn’tsurewhy
Ifelttheneedtoeasetheworrythatwas
distinctiveinthewayhestoodandglowered,
butsomethinginsidemecaredwhathethought
andfelt.Hewasalwayssoclosedoff,any
emotionhebaredtomeararity.Wheneverhis
feelingsweresonaked,Iwantedtoreachout
andtouchthemjustsoIcouldexperiencemore
ofthem.

“I’mnotsureit’sagoodidea,Lily.”
“Youwantmetogowithoutit?”
“Notthebracelet!”hesnarled.“Thefucking

date.”

Hisquick-temperstartledme,andIflinched

andsteppedback.

Seeingthealarmonmyface,hebithislipand

closedhiseyestocomposehimself.“Shit!I’m

sorry,Lily.I’mjustconcernedaboutthisdate.I
don’tthinkit’sagoodideaforyoutobealoneat
themoment.”

“I’mnotgoingtobealone,isn’tthatthewhole

pointofbeingonadate!”Icouldn’tkeepthe
angerfrommytone.“AndifI'mperfectlyfucking
honest,I’mnotsurebeingaroundyouisany
saferthanbeingalone!”

Iheardhimhissouta‘fuck’justbeforeI

slammedthedoorclosedbehindme.Jekylland
HydewasmorestablethanHarrisonbloody
Cole,themanneededcommitting.IthoughtI
hadissues,butitwasobviousIwasn’taloneon
thatcount.

Fifteen

HARRISON

Iwatchedthepuzzlementcrossherface

whenshelookedoutthroughtheenormous
windowthatspannedtheentirelengthofmy
denwall.

Squinting,Lilyleanedcloserforabetterlook.

“Isthatapig?”

MyownhomewastheonlyplaceIfeltsecure

enoughtobringLilynow.Allotheravenues
wereriskyandwouldleavebothofus
vulnerable.Shit,she’dbeenundermyprotection
andshe’dstilltakenabullettotheback.The
furyoverthathadbeenasall-encompassingas
theguilt.Sure,I’dmademistakes,andsomehad
paidforthem.Butthistimeithadbeenthatlittle
bittooclosetohome.Memoriesandthe
overwhelmingfeelingoffailurehadeatenme
alive.I’drefusedtoleaveLily’shospitalbedside
untilthedoctorshadconfirmedshewasokay.
Luckily,ithadbeenafleshwound,butjust
anotherfewcentimetrestotheright…

“Harrison?”Lilyqueriedagain,breakingme

frommythoughts.“Youownapig?Seriously?”

“Well,sortof.TrottersbelongstoPhilly.I

havemorespaceherethanTammy’shouse,so
hestayswithme.”

“Trotters?”Shechuckled,shakingherheadin

amazement.“Well,thereitisagain.”

“There’swhatagain?”
“Thewayyouneverceasetosurpriseme.

There’ssomuchofyouthatyoudon’tallow
peopletosee.”Hervoicehadsoftenedasmuch
ashergazeonme.Ididn’tthinkIwasallthat
peculiar,well,notasoddasLily.Everysooften,
therandomshitthatcameoutofhermouth
stupefiedme.Shewassoamazinglysmartand
astute,butthen,withthesnapofafinger,a
morselofherutternonsenseleftmebewildered.
Ihadtoadmit,asmuchassheaggravatedme,
herquipshadawayofendearingmetoher.She
didn’tprovokemeonpurpose,and,ifIwasa
littlehonest,Icouldn’tsaythesame.Ilovedto
windherup,towitnessthatfeistinesslighther
bellywiththeastoundingpassionIknewlived
insideher.Itwasn’toftensheshowedit,but
whenshedid,itneverfailedtomakemycock
stirwithbothaneedtochallengeheranda
thirsttopenherundermeandtastetheinferno
thatblazedwithinher.

Choosingtoignoreherstatement–notoutof

ignorancebutbecauseIhappenedtothinkthe
samethingabouther,Imotionedforherto
followmeupthestairs.Hergreedyeyes
scrutinisedeverythingonthewayuptoher
room.“SurprisedtofindoutI’mhuman,after
all?”

Shesniggered,“No,morethatyou’re…atidy

human.”

Luckily,asshewasbehindme,shecouldn’t

seethegrinonmyface–although,with
hindsight,Ireallyshouldremembertoallowher
toleadupthestairs.Thatwaymyeyescould
havetheirfillofhercutelittlearse.“Youthought
I’dlivelikeatroll?”

“No!Notatall!”sherefuted.“Atramp,yeah;

you’refartoogoodlookingtobeatroll.”

“Thisisyou,”Irevealed,myheadstillshaking

slightlyinamusement,evenifIwassoundly
pleasedshethoughtIwasgoodlooking.

Hersmilewassmall,herfacepinkwith

embarrassmentatheruninhibitedjudgements,
butshenoddedfirmly.“Thankyou.”

“Noproblem.Although,becauseit’squitean

oldhouse,wewillhavetoshareabathroom.But
thereisalockonthedoor.”

“Likethateverstoppedyou,”shemumbled

underherbreath.

Igrimacedinwardly,rememberingthetime

I’dbrokendownherbathroomdoorandfound
herburiedunderamountainofbubbles
perfectlyfine.

Placingherbagonthebed,Ismiledather.

“I’mbringingaguyintoshareyoursecurity.”

Hereyeswidened,andsheblanchedalittle.

“What?”

“Don’tworry.I’msureyou’regrowingtiredof

allmysullennessbynow.”Iknewshewas,she
neverheldbackonwhatshethought.“And,tobe
frank,Lily,Phillyneedsmeatthemoment.”

Thealarmthathadcoveredherface

disappearedunderagenuinesadsmile.“Howis
she?”

“She’sokay.She’sawake,andhopefullywill

bedischargedbytheweekend.”

“Didtheyfindoutwhatwascausinghertobe

soill?”

Shakingmyhead,Isighed.“No,theyguessat

avirus,butshe’sundergoingmoretestsjustto
beonthesafeside.”

Noddingherhead,sheclosedherhand

aroundmyfist.Thetendernessandcompassion
sheexudedinthatsimpletouchslithereddeep
withinmyveins,warmingeveryfibreofmy
body.“I’msoglad.”

Ididn’twanttomovefromtheconnection

betweenus,andforawhile,myfeetrefusedit
also.Eventually,Lilyshiveredanddroppedher
handfrommine.“I’llgrababathifthat’sokay?
It’sbeenalongday.”

“Ofcourse.Please,treattheplaceasyour

home.I’llintroduceyoutoTrotterslater,butI
haveafewthingsIneedtodofirst,soI’llleave
youtoit.”

Thefamiliarsmellofleather,woodand

lemonfurniturepolishdampenedtheanxiety
withinmewhenIenteredmyoffice.Norma,my
housekeeper,hadvisitedthatmorningandthe
recognisablesignofherpresencemademe
smile.IfLilywantedtothinkIkeptmyown
housecleanandtidy,thenwhowasItoruinthat
impression?

FiringupthePC,mystomachalmosttwisted

itselfinsideoutwithapprehensionwhileI
scouredtheinternetforthevideoofLilyinthe
bath.Sofar,hispromisetouploadhadn’tbeen
maintained.Theonlyrecordingsofheracross
theinternetwerealllegit,andnothing
untowardcaughtmyattention.Though,Iwasa
littleperplexedthathe’dsaidhewouldbe
forwardinginstructionand,asyet,Lilyhadn’t
receivedanythingIknewof.

LilywouldbehorrifiedifsheknewIhad

watchedthefootageofherself-pleasuring.Ihad
justtoldherthatathreathadbeenmade,butI
refusedtoletherseewhathehadsent.Iwasn’t
sureifshebelievedme,andIdidn’ttellherwhat
theactualfilmcontained,butIcouldseethe
suspicioninhereyeswhenshehadnarrowed
themonme.

LoggingintotheSISdatabase,Ienteredthe

name‘MarkDenver’–IwassoluckyDean,my
ex-boss,stillallowedmetousetheirdatabase,
everynowandthenitcameinveryhandy.Apart

fromafewjuvenilemisdemeanours,therewas
nothingabouthimthatgrabbedmyattention.I
stillwasn’thappyaboutLilymeetinghim,
although,Iknewthereasonforthosefeelings
weren’tanythingtodowiththeneedtoprotect
her–wellnotinafirst-handwayanyway.

Pickingupmyphone,IdialledthenumberI

hadcalledsomanytimes.“Jim!”DCJimmy
Matherswasmygo-to-manattheMet.Hewasa
goodguy,discreetandtopnotchathisgame.
We’dtrainedandgraduatedtogether,andafterI
lefttheforceandbeganmycareerwiththeSIS,
wehadcontinuedtobegoodfriends.

“Harry!Goodtohearfromyou.Itakeityou

needmyawesomeskillsagain.”

Ismiled.“Alwaysthecop,Jim.Ineedyoufor

acouplethings,actually.”

“Goon.”
“Icoulddowithyouobtainingsomecasefiles

forme,andifyouhaveanyfreetimesoon,I
coulddowithpickingyourbrains.”

Chuckling,hemumbled,“Mm-hmm.Itakeit

thisisconcerningtheQuantumgirlyou’re
currentlyworkingwith.”

“Yeah.”Gettingupfromthedesk,Iclosedthe

doorto.“Itakeityou’veseenthecommotion
overherpast,theabductionandransom?”

“Yep,hardnottowhenit’ssplattered

everywherefromthelargesttabloidtomy

grandma’sbackside!”hegrowled.Thepress,on
occasion,cameinhandy,butthatwasarare
event,andtheirincessantcrapwasenoughto
driveeventhelowestconstableinthepolice
forcecrazy.

“Yeah,well,somethingdoesn’tsitrightwith

hercase.Anynewofficerwouldknowto
questionheraboutcertainstuff,butit’slikethey
couldn’twaittogetridofher.Shewasraped,
Jim,buttheinvestigatingofficerneverpushed
foranyphysicalexamination,orhardly
questionedheraboutanysexualabuse.Shewas
fourteenforfuck’ssake,itwouldbehighlylikely
she’dcoverthatpartupanywaybecauseof
shame.Youknowhowitgoes.”

“Yeah,”heponderedquietly,hisownalarm

bellsalreadykickingoff.

“ShewasdumpedoutsideStMayer’s,yet,

apparently,therearenoCCTVimages.”

“Bollocks!”hescoffed.“Givemethedetails

andI’lldigthephysicalfileoutofthearchive.”

“You’reagem,Jim.”
“Yeah,don’tforgetit.Youowemealarge

whisky.”

“Fuck,Ioweyouabottlebynow.”

Sittingbackinmychair,myeyesslidback

overtothemonitor,andasmallgrowlrumbled
inmychest.MarkDenvergrinnedoutatme,the

pictureheldagainsthisfileshowingjusthow
muchofalookerthemanwas.Ididn’tblame
Lilyforwantingtogettoknowhimbetter,what
womanwouldn’t?Still,thatdidn’tdousethefire
inmyguteverytimeIthoughtaboutLilyeven
smilingatthetwat,andIrejectedanythoughtof
himtouchingher.

ItwastimetoadmittomyselfthatLily

Cooperhadburiedhercutelittleselfundermy
skinandnursedtheacheinsideme.Herdazzling
smile,hermesmerisingeyes,herperfectly
shapedlegs,andherquick-wittedbantercalmed
thestorminsideme.Sheraninmyveinsnow.
However,Icouldn’tgetinvolved.Iwouldn’t.It
wasn’tjustbecauseshewasmyclientandany
feelingsaboutherwouldhindermycapabilityto
protecther.Infact,theyonlyintensifiedthe
needtokeephersafe.ItwasbecauseIwasshit
atrelationships,awfulatthem.Ihurtevery
singlewomanthathadeverlovedme,Tammy
included.

Annbargedherwayintomymind,andI

slammeditshut.Shewastootoxictobeallowed
anywherenearLily,eveninmymind.She
taintedeverything.Herjealousyandselfish
greedwouldannihilateanyhopeofa
relationshipwithLily,notthatLilywastowant
oneanyway.LilyalreadythoughtIwasa
heartlessbastard,andshewasn’twrong.And

thatwasthewholereasonIrefusedtoallowher
in.

WhenRachel’simageslitheredintomy

rampantmind,Igrabbedthebottleofwhisky
fromtheside,shutdownmythoughtsand
knockedbackenoughalcoholtosubduemy
brainfromthinkinganything.Itwastheonly
thingthatkeptmesane.

Sixteen

LILY

“Likebloodylimpetovertherewillallowyou

togotoAmsterdam,”Becgrumbledasshe
flickedaglanceatHarrisonwhowassatbythe
barwatchingusbutgivingusprivacywhile
nursinganorangejuice.

“Wellit’sHayley’shennight,that’swhatgirl

groupsdo!”Iarguedbutknewshewasright.

“WithPoirottaggingalong?He’ssoimposing

andboring,he’dhaveusalltuckedupinbedby
nineo’clock!”Kitmoaned.

“I’msurehecanholdhisown.Hewas

slaughteredlastnightbutstillmanagedtoclimb
thestairs,showerandfindtherightbedroom,”I
revealedwithagiggle,rememberinghowI’d
foundHarrisonclungtothebannisterat3am.
Hisbodywasswayingprecariouslybeforehe’d
stumbledintohisbedroomandclosedthedoor,
oblivioustomypresence.Mymindfilledwith
theimagesofhisnakedbackside,thesightof
himinthedimlightmakingmyheartbeat
quicken.I’dhungback,sohehadn’tknownIwas
spyingonhim,butI’dalsobeenthoroughly
disappointedwhenhedidn’tturnentirelyround.
Although,histightbuttcheekswereenoughfor
metoslitherbackintobedandmasturbateover.

“Another?”
Iblinked,Kit’svoicedissolvingthedivine

imageinmyhead,andthenquirkedaneyebrow
atherinutterdisbeliefassheheldthetopofthe
winebottleovermyemptyglass.“Seriously,you
needtoask?”

Sheshruggedandpouredrighttothetopof

myglasswithcrispChardonnay.Then,after
refillingBec’sglass,shepushedbackherchair
andwenttothebartoorderanotherbottle.

“So,howyoudoing?”Becasked,takingasip

andsearchingmyeyes.

“I’mokay,althoughIneverrealisedhow

muchIwouldmissperforming.”

“It’sinyourblood,it’sboundto.”
“It’snotexactlyinmyblood,Bec.My

biologicalparentsmaybecouldn’tsingfortheir
lives.”

“Well,no,butyou’vebeenbroughtupwith

music,withabeatthathasburieditselfinside
you.Ifnotinyourblood,theninyoursoul.”

True.I’dgrownupwithsomuchloveand

attentionfrommyparents,andeachoftheir
crazyfriends.Ihadsomanymemoriesofmydad
singingtoMum,andviceversa,theirloveopen
andfierce.I’dhadafantasticchildhood,with
incredibleopportunities,andIcouldn’tloveJax
andEveCooperanymorethanwhatIdid.

“So,backtothedrawingboard,”Kitsaidas

sheplacedthenewbottleofwineinthecentre
ofthetableandsatbackdown.“Ifyourman

won’tallowAmsterdam,where…”

Izonedoutwhenmyattentionwasdrawnto

Harrison.Hewaschattingwithablondwoman,
herlongflowinghaircascadinginsilkywaves
downherback.Herlonglegsmademeenvious,
andtheenormousheelsshestoodon
undoubtedlymadeherastuntwoman.

WhenHarrisonsaidsomething,shetipped

herheadback;evenherlaughterwasperfection.
Hissmileonhersummonedthemonstrositythat
livedinsidemetorearitsuglyhead.Ididn’t
wanttofeelit,Ididn’twanttoacknowledgeit.
Yet,themoreIwatchedtheminteract,themore
myveinsvibratedwithangerandresentment.

Adarkclouddriftedintomymoodand

bitternessslitheredundermyskin.Iwantedto
physicallyhurt,turnthefocusawayfromthe
thoughtsandbitterfeelingsthatwere
blackeningmefromtheinside.Ineededthe
deliciousbiteofpaintoengulftheunbearable
feelingofworthlessness,thesufferingofmy
bodyeasiertocontendwiththanthetortureI
feltinmyheartrightthen.

Admittedly,IfeltsomethingforHarrisonthat

Ihadn’teverexpected.Hegotonmygoddamn
titswithhisoverbearingpersonalityandhis
barkedorders.But-andthiswasamassive
unexpectedbut,subconsciouslyIknewIgoaded
himtohavethebeastthathidinhimshowits

beautifulself.Itturnedmeon.Yes,thereitwas,
completehonestywithmyself.Itsickenedmeto
acknowledgethathisdominancemademeflush
withheat,hungryforhiscontroloverme.I
didn’tunderstandhowIcouldpossiblyfeellike
thatafterwhathappenedtome,butnot
perceivingsomethingdidn’tmakeituntrue.

Rageerredontheedgeoffurywhenthe

womanwrotesomethingonapieceofpaperand
Harrisontookitfromher.

“Huh?”KitqueriedwhenImumbled‘bitch’

undermybreath.

Ihadn’trealisedI’dsaiditoutloud.However,

whenHarrisonslidthepaperintohispocket,the
rageslippedawayandhurtcreptin.

“Babe?”Beclookedatmewithapuzzled

expression,hereyesshiftingbetweenHarrison
andme.

Shakingmyhead,Ihatedthefeelofheaton

mycheeksandtryingtohideitIpickedupa
menuandwaftedmyfacewithit.“Don’tthink
thatcurryagreedwithme,girls.”

“Youlookabitflush,”Kitremarkedwitha

worriedfrown.

“I’mgonnacallitanight.”
“Youshould.Gogetsomerest.Anddon’t

forgettorunAmsterdampastSherlockHolmes.”

Inodded,andwhenIstoodup,Harrisonwas

suddenlybehindme,pullingoutmychairfor

me.

“Youokay,Lily?Youlookabitflushed.”
“I’mfine.”
Heflinchedattheangerinmyvoicebut

didn’tcommentonit.“You’restillonantibiotics,
youprobablyshouldn’tbedrinkingonthem.”

“Yes,DrfuckingCole.”
“Okay,”hegrowledquietlyThatheatedstare

thatalwaysturnedmeon,onceagainmademy
thighstremble.“Notquitesurewhatthefuckhas
twistedyourknickersbutI’mpositiveitisn’ton
methistime!”Hisvoicewassogravelly,sorich
withauthority,thatIhadtosinkmyteethinto
myliptostopthemoanfromescaping.

“Don’tthinkthewineagreedwithyou

either,”Kitstated,hercuriousgazeonme
makingmeblushharder.

Bitingbacktheretortthatwasonthetipof

mytongue,Ishookmyheadandtriedto
dispersemyfoulmoodasIstormedfromthe
pubwithaseethingHarrisonhotonmytail.

“Whatthefuckiswrongnow?”hebarkedas

weclimbedintohiscar.

“Nothingiswrong.I’mjusttired.”
“Hmm.”
Wedidn’tspeakagain,theshortcarjourney

toHarrison’shousesuckingatthebreathinmy
lungsuntilIfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Iknew
whatIneeded,mywholebodyknewwhatit

needed,butitwasgoingtobehard.Sharinga
bathroominsomeoneelse’shousewashardin
itself,butwhenyouneededtocutitwas
downrightchallenging.

Theburnstartedinmybloodandrushed

overthetopofmyhead,thefeelingmakingme
turntothewindowtohidethewincefrom
Harrison.MyvisionswamandIclosedmyeyes,
tryingtocalmmyself.Thebilethatsuddenly
surgedmademythroatachewhenIfoughtto
swallowbackthecontentsofmystomach.

“Lily?”
Itwasn’tuntilHarrisondirectedmyfaceto

lookathimwithasofttouchonmychinthatI
realisedwewerealreadysatoutsidehishouse,
theengineoffandthebrightnessofhisdriveway
lampsfillingthecarwithasoftorangeglow

MyhandstrembledandIfoughttospeak.

Worryswampedhiseyes,andopeninghisdoor,
hequicklyclimbedfromthecarandhurriedto
openmydoor.

Hisstrongarmsliftedmeandhecarriedme

intothehousewithaneasethatfranklyterrified
me.

“It’sokay,”hespokegentlyasheloweredme

ontothesofa.“You’rejusthavingapanicattack.
Breatheinthroughyournoseandslowlyoutof
yourmouth.Concentratereligiouslyoneach
breath.”

Hesatonthefloorinfrontofme,holdingmy

judderinghandsashegentlytriedtocomfort
me.

Slowly,mybodytookcontrolback,andmy

mindsettleddown.Myshakinghandscontinued
toshake,althoughIwasn’tsureifthatwas
becauseHarrisonstillhadthemfirmlyclasped
inhisasherhythmicallystrokedhisthumbover
myknuckles.

“Allclear?”heaskedwithasoftsmile.
“Aye,aye,Cap’n,”Ianswered,returninghis

smile.

Icouldn’tmovemygazefromhiseyes,the

vividbluestormthatcontinuallydancedthere
nowalmostovercomebythegentlereprieveof
summerrain.IalwayssaidthatHarrisonwas
closedoff,neveronetoshowhisfeelings.
Except,rightthen,inhiseyes,heshowedmeall
ofhim.

Histhumbdisappearedfrommyhandand

rosetomyfaceas,tenderly,helightlyranitover
mycheekbone.“I’mgoingtokissyounow,Lily
Cooper,”hewhispered.

Mybreathcaught,andunabletoanswer,I

merelynodded.

Thefeelofhismouthonminemassacred

everythoughtofpain,defeatedeveryounceof
theneedfortheblade.Ijustwantedhim,his
kiss,histouch,hiseverythought.Hislipson

minewastheonlythingthatcouldfillmylungs
withair.Onlyhistouchcoulddrivebloodinto
myheartandmakeitbeat.Ineededeachone
liketheyweretheonlywayIcouldeversurvive.
Ihadneverneededanythingmore.

Igaspedwhensuddenlyhebrokeaway,

leavingmebreathlessandstunned.

“Ican’t!”HestoodstaringatmeasthoughI’d

smackedhim.Hiseyeswerefulloffear,andnow
itwashishandsthattrembled.

AsIopenedmymouthtoaskwhatthehell

wasgoingon,hemarchedfromtheroom.It
wasn’tuntilIheardtheengineofhiscarfireup
thatIrealised,forthefirsttime,Harrisonhad
leftmealone.Inmorewaysthanone.

Seventeen

HARRISON

DCJimmyMatherssatoppositemeinthe

cornerofthequietpubwe’ddecidedtomeetat.
Thelookofgenuineperplexityonhisfacehad
meworriedbeforehe’devenopenedhismouth.

“It’sgone,Harry.”
“Whathas?Thefile?”
Henoddedandtookadrinkofhisale.

“Doesn’tmakesense.TheofficerondutywhenI
wentdowntorecordscouldn’tunderstandit
either.Ithasn’tbeenloggedout,oreven
requestedbyadepartment.So,technically,it
shouldstillbethere.”

“Fuck!”
Jimmynodded.Webothknewwhatitmeant,

anditmademyjobahellofalotmoredifficult.

“Ididmanagetofindsomethingoutthough.

DazCarterremembersthecasebecausehe’sa
hugefanof103.And,getthis,Harry.Hefoundit
oddthattheDeputyAssistantCommissioner
tookaspecialinterestinLily’scase.”Heleaned
forwardandloweredhisvoice.“Youneedtoask
Lilyabouttheinterviewhehadwithher.”

Frowning,Itippedmyheadinthought.“But

theonlinefileIaccesseddidn’thavean
interviewwiththeDACrecorded.”

“Nope.There’sabsolutelynorecordofit,but

hecertainlyinterviewedher,andonthesly.Daz

reckonstherewasalotoftalkaboutitaround
theYard,buttheywerealltoldtohushand
leaveit.”

Leaningback,Icrossedmyarmsovermy

chest.“RemindmewhotheDACwasbackthen.”

Jimmylickedhislipsashiseyessparkled

withahintofexcitement.“Noneotherthan
NikolayKuznetsov.”

“Fromtheiraccents,I’dguesstheywereall

Russian.”

MyheartkickedoutanextrabeatwhenLily’s

statementrepeatedinmymind.

“Ithinkthisgoeswaydeeperthanyouthink,

Harry.Youneedtotakeastepbackfromit.”

“Ican’ttakeastepback.Iwon’t.Youknow

me,Jim,ifanythingitjustintriguesmemore.”

Heshookhisheadandtookanotherdrink.“If

itgoesthishighthenyouknowit’sgonnabe
hardertonailsomeone’sassforit.They’llcut
youdownbeforeyoucantakeapissonthem,
youknowthat!Youthinkithassomethingtodo
withthisnutterwho’safterLilynow?”

“Idunno.But,comeon,evidencegoes

missing,includingCCTVfootageandthe
physicalfile,aninterviewisn’trecorded,which
initselfringsgreatbigfuckingalarmbells.And
nowthere’sthedamnconnectionwiththe
fuckingRussians!”

“ConnectionwiththeRussians?”

“Lily’sadamantthetwomenandthewoman

thatheldherwereRussian.Andcomeon,itcan’t
beacoincidencethatKuznetsovtookanextra
interestinLily,andIdoubtitwasbecausehe
wasabloody103faneither.”

“Thisgetsmygutstwisting,Harry.Be

careful.”

“Hmm.”

***

Lilywassatatmykitchentabletalkingto

Liam,thenewguyI’dbroughtintogivemea
handwithprotectingher.Itgalledmehowthey
bothseemedtogetonsoeasilyaftersucha
shortspaceoftime.

IknewLilyhadcutherselflastnightwhenI’d

stormedout,butifIhadn’tthenIwasmorethan
awarethatworsewouldhavehappened.I
neededtotakeastepbackfromLilyCooper,not
theDAC.Iftruthbetold,Lilyscaredmemore
thananyGoddamnshitstormthatwasheading
myway.Icouldn’tseemtocontrolmyself
aroundher.Iwatchedherallthetimejustfora
glimpseofherrarebutbeautifulsmile.Ilistened
withextracarejusttocatchthesoundofher
mesmerisinglaugh,andIhadtokeepmyhands
busytostopmyselffromtouchingher.Itwasall
becomingdebilitating,andithadtostop.

“Don’tmindme,justgrabbingabottleof

waterthenI’mgonnagetsomeworkdoneinthe
office.”

Lilyfollowedmearoundwithhereyes,I

couldfeelthemburningintomyback.“Not
spendingtimewithPhilly?”

Catchingmytonguebetweenmyteeth,I

inwardlyflinchedatthehurtinhervoice.She
knewdamnwellIhadn’tbroughtLiamin
becauseofmyneedtospendtimewithPhilly.
Webothknewitwastoputsomemuch-needed
distancebetweenusbeforeitbecametoohard
formenottotouchher,ortastethatsmileon
herlips,ortodevourthelaughasitlefther
mouth.MyhandsfistedwhenIfoundmy
thoughtslingeringbacktothekisslastnight.
Jesus,ithadconsumedme.Thetasteofherhad
alreadyburieddeepwithinmeandtakenroot,
leavingmegreedyforsomuchmore.

“Later,”wasallIrepliedbeforeIstalkedfrom

theroom.

MymoodhadplummetedsinceI’dmetwith

Jimmyandnowithadbecomeevendarker
knowingI’dupsetLily.But,honestly,Iwasdoing
thissoIdidn’thurther.

BringingupLily’scasefileagain,Imadea

noteoftheinterviewingofficer'snameandthen
obtainedhisdetailsfromthedatabase.Chief
InspectorMikeReynoldsdidn’tappeartohave

anystrikesagainsthiscareerintheforce,but
thatdidn’tmeanhewasn’tbent.Accordingtohis
record,he’dbeenpersonallychosenby
Kuznetsovonmanyoccasionstomanage
numeroustasks,andtheDACcouldn’tpraise
himenoughforthewayhehandledeach
assignment.

ThedaywentfrombadtoworseafterAnn

textedmearrangingtomeet.Iwouldbethe
greatestprickontheplanetifIdeclined,butit
wasn’tbecauseIwantedtoseeher–farfromit.

Afterscouringtheinternetonceagainforthe

videoofLily–theabsenceofittheonlygood
thingsinceI’dwokenwiththeshittiesthangover
ever,Ishutdownthelaptopandreluctantly
mademywaytoseeAnn.

Eighteen

LILY

“He’sstrange,”Hayleyremarkedquietlyin

myear,peeringscepticallyatLiamwhowas
stoodsoundlesslywatchingeveryoneatBulk’s
birthdaybarbeque.

IlikedLiam,hewasreservedbutconsiderate

ofmyneedforprivacy,andIknewundoubtedly
thathewouldbeabletoprotectmeifanything
weretohappen.Nevertheless,Igotwhat
troubledHayleyabouthim.Liamhadawayof
makingyoufeelalittleintimidatedbythecold
andsinisterlookinhiseyes.Thepermanent
aggressionthatinhabitedHarrison’sglarewas
nothingonLiam’sbroodinessandanimosity.It
wasalmostasifhewasdisturbed,like
somethinginsidehimwasn’t‘right’.Yet,Liam
seemedcomfortablewiththatpartofhimself,
andhedidn’thideitfromanyone.Still,hecould
holdagoodconversation,andalthoughhis
senseofhumourwouldbedeemed‘sick’by
some,Ifoundhisdrywithilarious.Atleasthe
hadafunnyside,unlikeHarrison.

“He’sokaywhenyougetchattingwithhim,”I

expressed.

I’dalreadyhadwaytoomuchtodrink,still,

whenKithandedmeanotherGreyGoose,Itook
itfromherwithabiggrin.

“Atleastyougetafreeridehome,”Becsaid,

smilingcoylyatLiamwhenhisdarkgazemoved
herway.Sheshivered,andIraisedaneyebrow
atHayleywhosmirked.“Plus,he’sbloodyhot!”

Snorting,Iplacedahandonherarm.“Goand

talktohim.Honestly,he’sanokayguy.”

Shelookedalittlecautiousbutpluckingup

somecourageanddowningthepinkshotshe
heldinherhand,sheboldlymadeherway
towardshim.

“Sheissodamndrunkshe’dthinkQuasimodo

washot,”Kitchuckled.

“WellIhavenoworriesabouthersafetywith

Liam,”Idivulged,“He’soneofHarrison’smen,
andGodforbidthatmancouldgetitwrong.”

Asilentpauseandafurtivelookbetweenmy

friendshadmesighingandmakingmyway
towardsBossbeforetheycouldcommentonthe
obviousanimosityIfeltwhereHarrisonwas
concerned.

“Babe!”Bossdeclared,drapinghisarmover

myshouldertoguidemeovertoaquietcorner
ofthegarden.“Ithinkweshoulddosome
tequila!Hopefully,youhaven’tinheritedyour
mother’simmunityfromtheeffectsofit.”

ThatwouldbequitehardconsideringIdidn’t

haveEveCooper’sDNAinmybloodstream.Still,
Ididn’tsaythattohim,hehadtroublegrasping
commonsenseasitwas.

Bosssettledatanemptytableandlinedupa

fewshotsoftequila.“Howyoudoing,kid?”he
askedashehandedmethesalt.

“I’mokay.”
Hedownedhisownshot,wincingwhenhe

suckedonthepieceoflime.“Don’tfib.I’ve
knownyouallyourlife,Iknowwhenyou’re
lying.Isyourwoundgivingyousomegrief?”

Shakingmyhead,Idrankdownmyownshot

andshudderedatthebitternessofthecitrus
fruit.“Honestly.”

Hesnortedandleanedforwardacrossthe

tabletotakemyhandandgiveitaquick
squeeze.“Anddoesyourmotherknowyou’re
cuttingyourself?”

Mortificationmadehisfaceblurwhenmy

visionswam.Icouldn’tanswerhim,onlystare
withwideeyesintohissadones.

Takingthesaltfromme,heproceededto

downhisnextshotbeforesayingquietly,“When
yourmotherusedtoself-harm,itbrokeme.I
couldn’thealher.Thatwassomethingshehadto
doherself.Still,itdidn’tmeanIcouldn’thelpher
throughit.But,whenshefinallyovercameher
demonsandgothelp,Iwasn’tthereforher.And
thatfactstillhauntsmetothisday.”

Tearsshimmeredinhiseyes,hisdeeplove

formymothergrantinghimthatextrapieceof
myownheart.

“Iwon’tmakethatmistakeagain,Lily.You

needme,whetherit’stoaccompanyyou
whereverthefuckyouneedtogo,orevenjustto
shoutat,orthrowthingsat,thenI’mhere.”

ThelumpinmythroathurtmychestandI

rubbeditwithmyfist.

“And,”hecontinued,“untilyou’rereadyto

tellyourparents,thenthisremainswithme.”

“Thankyou.”Theoverwhelminggratitude

insidememademyvoicesqueakyandbroken
butgivingmeahugegrin,Bosswinkedand
pouredmoreshots.

“Timetogetpissed,LilyCooper.”
“Worksforme.”

***

IbarelysawherwhenIexitedLiam’scar;

onlyherlegwasvisibleasithungoutofthetaxi
doorbeforeitdisappeared,andthedoorclosed.
Iwouldrecognisethoselegsanywhere–they
belongedtotheblondthatHarrisonhadbeen
talkingtointhepub.

Istoodandwatchedthetaxipulloutofthe

driveway,closelyfollowedbyLiam.Aheaviness
inmychesttuggedatmyheartandIwincedat
thefeeling.I’dneverfeltlikethisbefore.Ididn’t
dojealousy;I’dneverexperienceditbefore,nor
didIeverwanttoagain.

Thelumpinmythroatmadeithardtofillmy

lungsandIforcedmyselftoswallowitaway
beforeIwalkedintothehouse

Thelightsweredimandthedownstairsfloor

appearedtobeempty.Thatwasalmostcertainly
becauseHarrisonwasstillinhisbedroom,laid
nakedonhisbedafterhavingthebestsexofhis
life.Jealousyturnedtohurt,andIchewedmylip,
tryingtopushtheacheaway.

There’dalwaysbeensomethinginthedepths

ofHarrison’seyesthatcalledouttome,a
reflectionofmyownsadness.Somethinghad
happenedtohimthathadmadehimcoldand
distanttoallthosearoundhim.I’doncebeen
likethat.Except,now,IhadtowonderifIwas
finallyreadytostartdating.ThefeelingsIhad
aboutHarrisonandtheacceptanceofMark’s
invitationtogooutonadatewereallnewto
me,yetIhopeditwasbecauseIwasatlast
readytomoveforward.

Iwasslightlydrunk–okay,maybealittle

morethanslightly-andIwobbledintothe
kitchen,holdingontothewalltoholdmyselfup.

Downinganentirepintofwaterfromthetap,

Ifloppedintothekitchenchairanddroppedmy
headback.Closingmyeyestostoptheroom
fromspinningaroundme,Iblewoutalong
breathtoeasethesurgeofnauseathatsuddenly
churnedinmybelly.“Urgh.”

“Lookslikesomeonehadagoodnight.”
Icrackedoneeyeopenandlookedtowards

Harrisonwhowasleantagainstthedoorframe
watchingme.Icouldn’tworkoutifhewasmad
ornot.Thetoneofhisvoicewasharshbutquiet
andhiseyeswerenarrow,althoughhisstare
waswarm.

“Itwasokay.”
Henoddedandmadehiswayovertothe

fridge.Thelighthurtmyeyeswhenheopenedit
andreachedinforthemilk.Iwatched,hisframe
encompassedbyjustthelightofthefridgeashe
gulpeddownthewholecarton.Histhroat
bobbed,andIgrittedmyteethwhenthesightof
himdoingsomethingsosimpleturnedmeon.It
wasthenthatIrealisedhewasfullyclothed.His
remarkablebodywasdressedingreysuit
trousersandafittedcrispwhiteshirt.Anavy
bluethintiewasfastenedtightaroundhisneck
andhungdown.Itwasstrangetoseehimin
somethingotherthanhissharpblacksuit,orthe
lightbluedenimthatIfantasisedaboutpopping
eachbuttonslowlyuntilhiscockwasminefor
thetaking.

Ishivered,riddingthoseillusionsfrommy

mind,andfrowned.“Lookslikeyou’vealsobeen
out.Goodnight?”Ihadtofighttheurgeto
insteadsnap,“Goodshag?”

Undoubtedlycatchingontomyindication

thatIknewhe’dbeenoutwiththebustyblond,
hequirkedaneyebrowatme.“Clearlybetter
thanyoursgoingonyourmood.”

“Oh,fuckyou!”IsnappedasIpushedupand

stormedoutoftheroom.

Hishandcaughtmywristandhespunme

around.Everyfibreofmybodyceasedtoexist
whenhismouthslammedagainstmine,andI
saggedintohim,usinghisbodyforsupport.His
kisswasbrutal,gruelling,leavingmeunableto
breathebeneaththepowerofit.Hisfingers
twistedpainfullyintomyhairashewrappedthe
lengthofitaroundhishandandtuggedmyhead
backtogivehimabetterangletoownthekiss.

Imoanedloudly,mybodyalertwitha

sensationIcouldn’tcontrol.Iwantedhimtobe
asbrutalwithmybodyashewasmymouth.I
wantedhiscockslammingintomeoverand
overuntilallIcouldfeelwashim.Iwantedhis
cruelfingersdiggingintomyfleshuntilallI
couldsensewashim,andIwantedhiskissto
reignovermeuntilallIcouldthinkaboutwas
him.

IneededhimtotouchmemorethanIneeded

tobreathe,andpluckingsomecouragefrom
somewhere,Ireachedupandslidthebuttonsof
myblousethrougheachofitsholes.Pushingthe
materialawayfromme,Ipressedmybreasts
intohischest,thefirmnessofhispecshard

againstmypertnipples.

Hegasped,andIswalloweditwholewhenI

twistedmytonguearoundhis.Hiscockbulged
inhistrousers,thehardnesspushingintomy
stomach.Reachingdown,Iencaseditinmy
palm.Hisloudgroanurgedmeon,makingme
rubharder.

Iwasn’tawareofanythingbuthim.Mybelly

throbbedalmostpainfully,andtheslickheat
betweenmylegswasbecomingtorturously
unbearable.

Fumbling,Ifoundthebeltofhistrousersand

myfingersworkedfuriouslyatthebuckle.
Arousalmademyhandstremble,andIgrowled
whenIcouldn’tsliptheprongthroughthehole.

Iwasn’tsureifHarrisontookmyclumsiness

asasignthatIwasunsurewhetherIwantedto
havesexwithhim,orthatIwassillyand
inexperienced,buteitherway,hesuddenly
shookhimselfandsteppedback.

Growling,hescreweduphisfaceandturned

hisbackonmeasheranhisfingersthroughhis
hairirritably.

Ididn’twanttolookfoolish,ornaive.Ididn’t

wanthimtothinkofmethatway.Iwantedtobe
bold,tomakehimseethatIwantedthismore
thananything.Iknewhewantedme,his
enormouserection,andthewayhehadso
ferociouslykissedmewasproofofthat.ButI

couldn’tunderstandwhyhe,onceagain,refused
toallowthechemistrythatwasevidentbetween
ustakeustothepleasurewebothknewwe
couldgiveeachother.

Unbuttoningthebuttononmyjeans,Ipushed

themdownmylegsandpulledthemfree.

Hearingtheswishofthedenim,Harrison

turnedaround.

Thechillintheroommademeshiver,and

goosebumpsrushedovermyskinasIreached
behindmeandunhookedmybra.Mybreasts
tumbledfreeandmynippleshardenedwiththe
cold.

“Iwantyou,”Iwhispered,theslightquiverin

myvoicenotbecauseofnerves,butduetothe
desirecursingme.“Somuch.”

Harrison’sgazepainstakinglyjourneyed

downmybody,hiscoldblueeyesswirlingwith
ablazeofsilver.Ididn’tmove;Icouldn’tmove.

Hismuscularchestlifted,thecottonofhis

shirttighteningagainsteverycontour
deliciously.Histhroatmovedwitheveryoneof
hisdeepswallows,andhereachedup,loosening
histieashiseyesjourneyedbackuptomyface.

Surprisingly,angerlithiseyesandhis

nostrilsflaredasheliftedhischin.“Iwon’tdo
this.”Hisvoicewashoarse,thegravellytone
makingmybodyshudderwhenhestepped
forwardandheldmyjawinafirmpinch.“You

havenoideawhoIam,LilyCooper.WhatIam.”

Hesitantly,Isteppedforwardandliftedmy

handtohis,coveringhisfingerswithmy
tremblingones.MymouthwassodrythatI
wasn’tsureI’dbeabletosaythewords.“Ido
knowwhoyouare,HarrisonCole.Iseeitevery
timeyoulookatme.Everytimeyoutakea
breath,Iseeyoualittlemore.”

Hiseyesdarkenedashetookanotherstep

towardsme.Hisheatedbreathbrushedacross
myface.HewassoclosethatIcouldpractically
feelhislipstouchingmine.“AndwhatamI?Tell
me.What–am-I?”

Hisfurychokedme,butIswallowedit,lifting

mychindefiantly.“You’rebroken,”Iwhispered.

Hiseyeswidened,andhefrozewhenI

reachedupandtouchedhislipswithmyfingers.

“Letmein,Harrison,”IbeggedasIinclined

forwards,myfingerstheonlythingbetweenour
mouths.“Letmemendyou.”

“Youcan’t.”
Frustrated,Ishookmyheadangrily.“Why

areyousoscaredtoletmeseeyou?”

Hisjawclenchedtightly,beforehegrowled,

“BecauseIdon’twanttoblindyouwiththe
bitternessthatchokesmeeverysecondofevery
day.BecauseIdon’twanttobruiseyoursoul
whentheuglinessthatlivesinsidemechewsit
up.But,mostofall,”hetookalongbreath,“I

refusetoletyouseewhatIdon’twanttosee.”

Istaredathisbackashestormedfromthe

room,andthenthedoorwhenitslammed
closedbehindhim.Hiscrypticwordshung
heavyintheairandmyheart.Thecoldnessin
theroomcouldn’tchillmeasmuchasHarrison’s
wordshad,themarrowofmybonesshuddering,
notwiththetemperaturebutwithsadness.

Dejectedly,Ipickedupmydisgracefrom

whereitlayonthefloorbesidemyfeetwith
Harrison’srejection,alongwithmyclothes,and
wentinsearchofaformofnirvanaIcouldonly
getfromthesliceofablade.

Nineteen

LILY

Harrisonwasalreadygoneandoutofthe

housebeforeIhadevenrisenthenextmorning.
Itdidn’tsurpriseme.I’dembarrassedhim.Shit,
I’dmorethanembarrassedmyself.Ihad
genuinelythoughtthatI’dfeltsomesortof
attractionbetweenus.Thenagain,whowasIto
knowwhatchemistrybetweentwohuman
beingswassupposedtofeellike?MaybeI’djust
mistakenthetensionbetweenusasgenuine
conflictonhispart.

LiamgavemehissombresmilewhenI

walkedintothekitchen.“Morning,poppet.”He
neverfailedtomakemesmile.Hewasso
miserable,buthearinghisendearmentjust
mademechuckletomyself.

“Goodmorning.”
Hequirkedaneyebrowatmyhappygreeting.

“Nooneshouldbethatcheerfulbeforeeight
A.M.Andespeciallynotbeforecoffee.”

Ibitbacktheneedtoaskhimwhy,whenhe

actuallytookhisfirst-morningcoffeeinthe
morning,washewasstillmiserableafterfour
pm.Intheend,Ijustshruggedandsmiledwider.
That’showitwentwithme,themoreIhurt
inside,thebiggerthesmileIplantedonmyface.

“I’malwayshappyme.EspeciallywhenI

knowIgettospendthedaywithsuchabubbly
individuallikeyou.”

Hesnortedandgulpedathiscoffee,ignoring

mysarcasm.“What’syourplansfortheday?”

“ItakeitHarrisonisbusyandyou’re

designatedtomeallday.”

“Mm-hmm.”
Whydidn’tthatsurpriseme?
“Ihavesomeshoppingtodo.Ineedanoutfit

fortonight.”

“Tonight?”
Igrinnedandtookagreedysipoftea,thehot

liquidscoldingmythroatonitswayintomy
tummy.“Ihaveadate.”

Liamappearedstumpedforamoment,his

eyeswideningashetiltedhisheadslightly.
“Harrynevermentionedit.Doesheknow?”

“Yeah.Iwouldn’tthinkitwouldbother

Harrisonanyway.He’sprobablygladtogetrid
ofmeforthenightsohecanbumpuglieswith
MissWorld2017.”

Blinkingatthebittertoneofmyvoice,Liam

twistedhislipsand,wisely,refrainedfrom
commenting.“So,shoppingitis.”Hedidn’tlook
tooenthralled,andwhocouldblamehim.I
hatedshopping,andifitweren'tforthedate
withMarkthatnight,I’dhavecurledupinbed
withchocolateandnursedmywoundedego.

However,perhapsseeingMarkwouldgivemy
confidencetheboostitneededafterHarrison
hadsohorriblyspurnedmylessthanfantastic
firstgoatseduction.

***

Liamscreweduphisfaceandshookhishead.

“Nope.Ipreferthepurpleone,suitsyourfigure
better.”

Liamhadsurprisedme.Hewasquitegoodat

thisshoppinglark.Infact,he’dbeenmore
constructivethanRebecca,HayleyorKitever
hadbeenonpreviousshoppingtrips.Thegirls
usuallypulledeveryitemofclothinginmysize
offtherackandthenpriedmeintoeverysingle
outfit.Liam,however,hadchosenjustafew
piecesformetotryonandthengivenmehis
honestopinionabouteachone,apurplehalter-
neckjumpsuitandsomesilveranklebootsbeing
hisfavourites.

“It’sclassyanddoesn’tshowtoomuchboob

forafirstdate.Anditmakesyourbumlook
smaller,”Liamaddedwithafirmnod.

“Alwaysabonus,shavingalayerofftheass,”I

mumbledasIsteppedbackintothechanging
roomandlefthimbrowsingthesmalldisplayof
cheapcostumejewellerytowardsthebackof
thestore.Still,Ihadtoagreewithhimabouthis

choice,evenifIdidn’ttellhimthat.

Averyfaintnoisecamefromacubicle

towardstheendoftherow,makingmestiffen
andfrown.Ihadn’tbeenawareofanyoneelsein
thesmallroom.I’dbeeninandoutvarioustimes
asI’dchangedintodifferentoutfitsandthen
steppedjustoutsidethedoorforLiam’sopinion.
Ihadn’tseenanyonecomein,oroutforthat
matter,forafullhalfanhour.Forsome
unknownreason,mysenseswentintooverdrive
andashiverracedupmyspine.Goosebumps
prickledeveryinchofmyskinasIstoodstilland
listenedmorevigilantly.

Nothingbutsilencespoketome,andIrolled

myeyes,exasperatedwiththewayI
overreactedtowardseverythinglately.

Pullingthecurtainacrossthechanging

cubicle,Ipeeledmyselfoutoftheoutfitand
reachedupforitshangerfromwhereI’dplaced
itonthesmallhook.

Thescreamthatforceditswayupmythroat

remainedtrappedinmymouthwhenalarge
handcoveredthewholebottomhalfofmyface.

Hewashuge,hissinisterframetowering

overmeasheleereddownatmewitha
malevolentgrin.

“Beagoodgirlandthiswillbesomuch

easier…andquicker,forthebothofus.”

FearfrozeeveryfragmentofmybodyasI

staredupathim,myeyesalreadybulgingwith
thepressurebuildinginmylungs.Ididn’t
recognisehim;Iwouldremembertheevil
exhibitedinhiseyesinaheartbeat.Hishand
stankofsweatandoil,makingmegagonthe
bilethatrushedtospillpastthelumpofterrorin
mythroat.Iwasgoingtodrowninmyown
puke.

Iwhimperedwhenheliftedhisotherhand

andgavemybreastaharshsqueeze.“Mmm,I’m
almosttemptedtofuckyoubeforeIkillyou.”His
grindarkened.“OrmaybeI’llfuckyouafterI’ve
forcedthelastbreathoutofyou.Eitherisgood
withme.I’mnotpicky.”

Icouldn’tmoveunderthestrengthofhim,my

bodysquashedbetweenhimandthewall.My
lungssquealedwhentheairtrappedinthem
slowlystartedtosuffocateme.

“You’vereallyupsetsomepeople,Lily

Cooper.ButIguessbynowyou’vealready
figuredthatout.”

Ishookmyheadasmuchaswaspossible

beneathhishand,fightingtofreemynoseand
huntforeventhetiniestmoleculeofair.Hisface
startedtoblurwhenheslidhishanddownmy
neckandfirmlycompressedmythroatunderhis
stricthold.

Mykneesbuckledwhenmylegsbecame

numb,buthisgraspandthewallatmyback

continuedtoholdmeup.Thetearsthatran
downmycheekswerewarm,andIwonderedif
thewetnesstheyleftbehindonmyskinwould
bethelastthingIeverfelt.

“Imustsay,Iexpectedtheretobemoreofa

struggleinyou.Hesaidyou’dputupafight,that
youwereafeistylittlething,butyouseem
almosteagerfordeath.”

Hewaswrong.Ofcoursehewas.Ineededto

live.Formyparents,formyfriends,forthe
band…

“Naturally,Icanobligewiththat.”
Mythroatached,thepainbecomingas

unbearableastheheavythrumofmypulsein
myhead.Iwassuremybrainwasgoingto
explodeunderthepressure.Myveinsseemedto
swellinmybody,theintolerableburdenonmy
heartbecomingtoomuchforittocopewithasit
startedtodiewithinme.

Ididn’tevenhavethestrengthtoberepulsed

whenheranhistongueuptheedgeofmyneck.
“Nearlythere,sweetheart.Justletgo.”

Justletgo.
Itwouldbesoeasy.Totakethegifthewas

givingmeandobeyhiscommand.Nomore
nightmares.Nomoreshame.Nomorehatred.
Justgrabholdofwhatheofferedme.

Justletgo.
Mymindsubmittedtodeath.Mybody

followed,myeyesslowlyclosingasIshedthe
painandembracedthepeacethathadgradually
becomeall-consuming.

Iwantedtotasteserenity,itwassweetlike

nectaronmytongue,andIcravedit.Ihungered
fortheharmonythatmymindpleadedfor.

AndIletgo.

Twenty

HARRISON

“You’rebeingridiculous,Harry!”
Tammyhadneverlostthatuniqueabilityto

seethingssodifferentlytome.Inthebeginning,
ithadbeenrefreshing.Unlikemostother
womenthathad,inonewayoranother,beena
partofmylife,Tammyhadneveroncebowed
downtome.Mostwouldsomewhatagreewith
methanfacemeoffinanargument.ButTammy
refusedthat.Andthat’swhywehadbecome
friendsfromanearlyage.Iadmiredhergritand
determination,andtheself-confidencethathad
luckilyneverretreated.Now,though,itgoton
mygoddamtits.

“I’mnotbeingridiculous,I’mbeingrealistic.”
Phillyoccasionallyglancedupfromwhere

shesatcolouringattheotherendofthetable.
Shewasonlyhalfinterestedinus.Herfacewas
down,andhertinytonguepokedthroughher
sealedlipswhilesheconcentratedonthe
pictureofagiantelephantshehadpartially
filledwithamassofgreycrayon.

“Weallhavepasts,Harry.I’mpositiveLily

has.Whyshouldyoursbethereasonneitherof
youshouldbehappy?”Shequirkedaneyebrow
andstaredstraightatme.“And,besides,it’s
neverusuallybotheredyoubeforewhere
womenareconcerned.”

“Thisisdifferent.Forone,she’smyclient.I

can’tgothere.And,two,Lily’salreadybeen
throughtoomuch.Shewouldneverhandleme.
YouandIbothknowthatI’deventuallychew
herupuntilshe’sunrecognisableasthewoman
sheisnow.”

Iwasalreadyhalfwaytofuckingherup.The

imageofLily’screstfallenfaceasI’dlefther
stoodnakedandshamedhadplaguedmy
dreams,andI’dwokenlikeabearwithasore
head.IthadbeenmyshifttodetailLily,butIjust
couldn’tfaceher.Or,rather,Ihadn’twantedto
putherthroughmorehumiliationbyhavingto
faceme.So,IleftherwithLiam–again.

Angerpouredthroughmeagainwhen,forthe

hundredthtime,Ipicturedaverydifferent
conclusiontoLily’scome-on.I’dhadtorestrain
myselflikeIneverhadbefore.AllIhadwanted
todowasliftherinmyarms,takehertobed,
andspendhoursexploringherincrediblelittle
body.Hertitswereperky,hernipplesfulland
swollenwithdesire.Ihadsowantedtorunmy
tongueovertheexpanseofhersoftstomach
untilmylipsmetthesweetfleshbetweenher
legs.I’dwantedtohearhercomeapartwhilemy
greedymouthdevouredeverydropofher
orgasm.

“Harry!”
Iblinked,Tammy’svoicebreakingintomy

daydream.

“Yourphone!”
Shakingmyself,Ipulledmyphonefrommy

pocketandstareddownatLiam’snameonthe
screen.IknewbeforeI’devenacceptedhiscall
thatIwasn’tgoingtolikewhathehadtosay.

LittledidIknowthenthathisshortbut

rushedsentencewouldkillthepromiseIhad
madetostayawayfromLilyCooper.The
resolvetoleaveheralonedisintegrated
alongsidemyheart.

Thebearwithasoreheadbecameabullina

chinashopasItoreoutofTammy’shousewitha
wide-eyedPhillythelastthingIsawintherear-
view.

***

“Howisshe?”IaskedquietlywhenIentered

thehospitalroom.IwaspleasedtoseeLilyhad
beenplacedinaprivatesideroomandaguard
putonsentrydutyoutsideherdoor.

Ididn’tneedLiamtoanswermyquestion.I

couldseefromthebruisingaroundhermouth
andneckthatLilywasfarfromokay.Herface
waspale,andlargebagshungbelowhereyes.

“She’llsurvive.”
Iturnedonhim,thevitriolsimmeringaway

insidemeaimeddirectlyathim.“Whatthehell

happened?Youweresupposedtobefucking
gluedtoher!”

“Inthefriggingchangingroom?Yeah,sure

she’dhaveappreciatedthat,Harry!”

Shit,hehadapoint!
“We’reluckytheshopassistantwentinat

thatmoment,or…”Hedidn’tneedtofinishthat
sentence.

“Whereishe?”
Liamsighedandrosefromthechairbeside

Lily’sbed,gesturingformetotakehisplace.
Crackinghisknuckles,hegroanedandthen
stretchedhislongarmsintheair.“Dutyofficer
tookhim.ThepolicewereinformedassoonasI
calledforanambulance.Couldn’tdoitanyother
way,mate.”

Disappointmentandrageblisteredmyveins,

butIbitmylipandforcedmytemperback.“I’ll
ringmymateatTheYardandseeifhecanget
meanin.”Ineededthatfucker’slifeinmyhands,
hisairwayrestrictedundermyfist.Turnthe
tablesonthebastard.

Henodded,focussingbackonLily.“Wanted

tosnaptheprick’sneckbutIknewwe’dneed
himifwe’reevergonnagettotherealfucker.”

“Youthinkhewasjustanorderedhit?”
“Nodoubt,”heconfirmedwithanothernod.

“Fuckerwastoocomplacent.Sloppy.Andwith
minimalregard.ThiscuntwhoisafterLilyis

muchclevererthantoriskhimselfoutinthe
openlikethat.”

Agreeingwithasnort,Imademyselflook

backtoLily.Thesightofsuchseverebruising
mademyfistsclench.Theforceofthepressure
he’dusedtostrangleherwasblindlyvisible.I
wassurprisedhehadn’tsnappedherneckor
dislocatedherjawforthatmatter.

Slowly,Lily’seyesflutteredopen,andwhen

shefocussedonme,shefrowned.“Harrison?”
Hervoicewashusky,herthroatunderstandably
sore.

“Howareyoufeeling?”
Sheblinkedandstretched,assessingher

body.“I’mokay.Justalittlebruised,Ithink.”

Thecalmsheradiateddidn’tshockme.Lily

wasonetoughlittlecookieandIknewshe
wouldn’tletthisfazeherinanyway.LilyCooper
wouldn’tallowanyonetointimidateher.She
wouldbouncebackfromthis.

“Didhesayanything?”
Twistingherlipsinthought,shenodded.“He

saidthathesaidI’dputupafight.”

Liamlookedatmewithhisbrowselevated.

“So,it’sdefinitelyaguythen,”hemused.

“Andsomeonewhoknowshowgutsyyou

are,”Iaddedwithaproudsmile.

Lilynarrowedhereyesatmebutheldback

whatshewasthinking.Whetherthatwas

becauseherthroatwastoosoreorthatshewas
confusedbymycompliment,Iwasn’tsure.

Thedooropenedandweallturnedtolook

whenapolicewomanenteredtheroom.She
smiledopenlyatLily,but,strangely,she
completelyblankedLiamandme.“Good
afternoon,Lily.I’mSuperintendentSally
Greaves.Areyouuptoansweringafew
questions?”Shequicklyflashedherbadgeat
Lily,whowiselymadesureshetookitfromher
andmadeashowofinspectingitthoroughly.

Thiskindofincidentwastypicallyattended

toinitiallybyastandardPoliceConstable.So
whysendsuchahigh-rankingofficeroutfora
routinefirststatement?

Asifshesensedthechangeinmydemeanour,

Lilysqueezedmyhandtwice.Iwasn’teven
awareIhadherhandclaspedtightlyinmine.I
didn’tmarkedlyacknowledgeLily’sindication
thatshehadalsonoticedSally’sweird
behaviour,butIreturnedhertightgrasptolet
herknowIhadunderstood.

Finally,theSuperintendenthadnoother

choicethantoaddressLiamandmewhenshe
askedusforsomeprivacy.

“I’dlikethembothtostay,”Lilytriedbutwas

shotdownalmostimmediately.

“I’mafraidthelineofquestioningissensitive.

I’lltrynottokeepyoulongerthanisnecessary.”

“Howisitsensitive?”Iasked,moresceptical

now.

Onceagain,Iwascompletelyignored.Imay

aswellhavebeendressedasachairandhidden
inashadedcornerforallthenoticeSallytookof
me.

Liamfrownedandtwistedhislips,asaware

asIwasthatsomethingwasn’tquiteright.

However,Lilygavemyhandanothersqueeze

whenshesaid,“It’sfine.I’llbereadyforhome
whenI’vefinishedwithWPCReeves.”

IwantedtohugherwhenSallyvisibly

stiffenedatLily’sincorrectnameandranking
title.

Tryingtocontainhislaughter,Liamfailed

miserablyandsnortedloudly.“We’llberight
outsidethedoor,Lily.”

Lilynodded,givingusbothasmileassheslid

upthebedandsettledbackagainstthe
headboard,adjustinghercoversasiftomake
herselfcomfortable.Ishouldn’thavebeen
worriedaboutleavingLilyalonewiththe
Superintendent;shewasmorethancapableof
puttingthebitchinherplace.

“Whatthefuckisgoingon?”Liamgrumbled

whenweshutthedoorbehindus.

“Ithinkit’ssafetosaythisgoeswayabove

whatweoriginallythought.”

“Noshit,Sherlock.”

Liamwasangry,thatmuchwasobvious.But

whatwasn’tsoclearwasjusthowmuchLily
meanttohim.Liamhadtakenthispersonally,
andIhadtowonderwhy.I’dnoticedtheir
associationhadgonebeyondthatofbodyguard
andclient,thelaidbackrapporttheysharedone
Icouldn’thelpbutbeenviousof.Theyhada
relationship.Whatkindofrelationshipthatwas
wasn’tsodiscernibleyet.

Butitwouldbe.I’dmakesuretofindoutjust

howLiamfeltaboutLily.AndwhetherornotI
wouldneedtoterminateourfriendship.

Twenty-one

LILY

“Yousee,theproblemIhave,Lily.”

SuperintendentSallyGreavesleisurelystalked
thelengthoftheroomandpaused,andIalmost
rolledmyeyesatthewaysheoveremphasised
eachsyllable.

We’dbeensat,amutualdislikeofone

anotherpalpableintheairbetweenus,for
nearlyanhour,andIsworeifIeversawher
againitwouldbewaytoosoon.

Shewastallandlithe,herlong,slenderlegs

pacingtheroomasifeachmeticulousstepshe
tookweremeanttointimidateme–they
probablywere,butitwasn’tworking.Hershort
blondehairwasslickedbacktightonherscalp,
andthefewwrinklesaroundhereyeswere
pulledtautonherface.Sheworeagarishshade
ofcrimsononherlipsandherhighcheekbones,
andherlongeyelasheswereplasteredinatleast
threelayersofblackmascara.Shewouldbe
almostcomicalifsheweren’tsofuckingaustere.

Clickinghertonguebeforecontinuing,she

spunbackonherhighheelsandfacedmeonce
again.“CarlBrixsom,themanyoualleged...”

“Alleged?”Iscoffed.
“Themanyoualleged…”shesnappedwitha

curlofherthinlips,“…attackedyouinthe
changingroomshasquiteadifferentstoryto

yours.”

“Ofcoursehedoes.”Isighed,boredwiththe

waymyaccountofwhathadhappenedwas
beingtwistedintoatyphoonofliesand
innuendos.

Iwasn’tsurewhatthehellwasgoingon,butI

knewattheendofthisthatCarlBrixsomwas
onceagaingoingtobelefttodisturbtheBritish
population.

“AndwhataboutLiam’saccount?”Iasked,

alreadypreparedfortheutterbullshitthatmy
questionwouldencounter.

Isighedindefeatwhenthatsaidbullshit

spewedfromhermouth.“Well,LiamBarnettis
luckythatCarlhasdecidedtodropallcharges
againsthim.”

“Uh-huh.”
Tiltingherhead,oneofherspindlyeyebrows

elevatedsharply,Sallyglaredatme.“Assaultisa
veryseriouscharge,Lily.”

“Itis!”Ibitoutangrily,unabletocontrol

myselfanylonger.“It’sjustashameit’snot
beingbroughtagainstthecorrectperson!Carl
Brixsomassaultedme.Thebruisesonmyneck
areproofofthat.”

Sighing,Sallyloweredherselfontotheedge

ofmybed.Ittookeveryounceofself-restraint
nottokickheroff.“Look,Lily.”Thekindnessin
hervoice,asifshewassuddenlysympathetic

hadascurryofalarmbellsringinginmyhead.I
hadverylittledoubttherewasabsolutelyno
compassionatallinthewoman.“Weallliketo
playattimes,especiallyinthebedroom.You
shouldn’tfeelashamedofyoursexual
preferences…”

“Areyoushittingme?”Iscoffed,mymouth

fallingwideopeninshock.Iwasstrugglingto
breathe,rageturningeachbreathintoglueuntil
mythroatwascloggedwithfury.Clingingtothe
smidgeonofsanityIhadleft,Ishookmyheadin
frustration.“Youreallyaregoingthere?Have
younoshame?”

Herlipstwisted,andIknewshehadme.She

knewittoo.“Imean,”shecontinued,the
sickeningdroneofhervoicemakingmy
stomachrevolt,“awomaninyourposition,
constantlyinthelimelight.Icanunderstandwhy
youwouldn’twanttheruinthiscouldbringto
you.Someofyourfansareteenagegirls.I
wouldn’tliketobeyouragentwhenyour
penchantforkinkysexissplatteredallover
everytabloidinthecountry.”

Icouldn’tspeak.Iwasfurious.Claspingmy

lipstightlyclosed,Ilookedawayandnodded.

“Ithinkthat’swise,Lily.”
Instinctively,myhandcametomythroatand

Iblinkedbackthetears.

QuiettapsofSally’sheelsonthefloorandthe

softclickofthedoorclosingwasfollowedby
loudfootfallsandthedoorslammingclosed.

“Whathappened?”Harrison’svoicewassoft.

Histouchonmychinwasevenmoredelicate
whenhedirectedmyfacearounduntilIwas
lookingathim.

“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
Hefrowned,theusualbrightblueofhiseyes

mutedwithworry.“Lily?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Harrison!”Iyelledathim,

hispresencethescapegoatformyanger.I
wantedtohurthim.Iwantedhimtobethe
outletforalltheshitinmylife.Iwanteditto
stop.EverybitoftheheartacheandpainI’dfelt
sinceIwasalittlegirl.Iwanteditalltostop.
“It’snevermattered!I’venevermattered.It’sall
bullshit.Allofit!”

Finally,unabletoholditback,Iburiedmy

faceinmyhands,andIwept.Everyfibreofme
howleduntilIcouldn’thearanythingbutthe
humofdespairinmyears.Everyfragmentofmy
soulcrieduntilIcouldn’tfeelanythingbutrage
andhatred.Iwantedtohurteveryonearound
me,butmostofall,Iwantedtodestroyevery
elementofmyself.

“Idon’tknowwhat’shappening,Harrison,”I

sobbedintohischestwhenhepulledmeclose
andheldmetight.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”

Hesighed,hisbreathovermyearcalmingme

almostinstantly.Thestrengthofhisfirmhold
gavemethecomfortIhadn’tfeltforaverylong
time.“Idon’tknow,butI’mgoingtofindout,”he
promisedwithawhisper.“Iswearit.”

Leaningbackalittle,Ilookedupathim.

Dropletsoftearsrestingonmyeyelashes
obscuredtheperfectview,buteventhroughthe
blur,Icouldseethedeterminationinhiseyes,
hispromiseavowIknewhewouldn’tever
break.

“Ipromise,”hebreathedashelookeddown

atme.

Histhumbgentlymovedacrossmycheek,

wipingawaythefewtearsthatrefusedto
abandonmyface.Thetendertouchevaporated
allthehateinsideme,andmysoulsighed,
contentedatlast.

Harrisonhadanabilitytocaressthevery

coreofmewitheachofhistouches,mysoul
soothedfromthesoftpressureofhisfingerson
myskin.Thefieryblueofhiseyespenetrated
throughtheiceIhadconstructedtokeepmy
sanityintact,andhemeltedeverybitofmyself-
preservation.

“Allclear,LilyCooper?”hewhispered,his

heatedstarelockedwithmine.

Nodding,Iswallowedresolutely.“Aye,aye,

Cap’n.”

HislipsbrushedminesofaintlyIwasn’tsure

ifI’dimaginedthewarmthofhisbreathovermy
mouth.

Aslavetoeveryinstinctscreamingoutatme,

Iliftedmyhandtothebackofhisheadand
pulledhismouthtomine.Hegroanedquietly
andpartedhislipswhenIlightlyslidthetipof
mytongueacrossthem.Thekisswashotand
passionate,desperateandexciting,andIwas
greedyformore.Mybodycametolife,
electricitydartingthroughmyveinsandmaking
myskinburstwithgoosebumps.Myheartraced,
eachbeatenergisedandswift.

Itwasn’tuntilaloudcoughmademejump

thatIjerkedaway.

Harrisongrinneddownatme,hisbigsmile

fullofhumouratthelookofshockonmyface.I
hadforgottenLiamwasevenintheroomwith
us,butfromtheexpressiononHarrison’sface,
likehewasthecatwhohadgotthecream,I
quicklyrealisedthekisshadjustbeenabig‘fuck
you’toLiam.Hypotheticallyspeaking,Harrison
hadliftedhislegandpissedalloverme.

“You’resuchadick!”
Hismouthdroppedopen,andheblinkedin

shock.“Thefuck,babe?”

Theyalwayssayyoufallforareplicaofyour

father,andthosesimplewordsmademewantto
laughandscreamallatthesametime.

Shakingmyhead,exasperated,Ipushed

Harrisonawayandhoppedoffthebed.Turning
toLiamasIslippedonmyshoes,Ismiled
sweetly.“Canyounipmeback,Liam,please.”

Beforehehadachancetoanswer,Harrison

snatchedholdofmywrist.“Don’tplaygames,
Lily.”

“Me?”Iscoffed.“Whatthehelliswrongwith

everyone?”

Theworldwasclosinginonme,suffocating

measitsqueezedallsenseandnormalityfrom
mylife.Everyonewasoutforthemselves.
Selfishnessmadethemattackothersfor
anythingthatcouldgranttheirlivesenrichment,
ortheveryleastgivethemamorselofself-
indulgence.AllIwantedfromlifewastojust
keepbreathing,andforsomeonetoloveme.I
wasn’tvirtuous,butIwasn’tselfisheither.Yet,
everypersonjustseemedoutforthemselves,
Harrisonincluded.Hedidn’twantmebecause
hefeltsomethingforme,butmerelybecausehe
hadseen,asIhad,thewayLiamlookedatme.
ToHarrison,Iwasjustaconquesttobewon.

Iwasn’tblind,ornaïve,butjustbecauseLiam

likedmethatwaydidn’tmeanwecouldn’t
eventuallybegoodfriends.Ihadalotin
commonwithLiam,andhemademelaugh.I
hadmadesurenottoencouragehiminanyway,
andlately,Iwasconvincedhewasresignedto
thefactthat’sallwewouldeverbe.But,give

himhisdue,hehadn’ttreatedmeanydifferent,
andhehadstillbeenthepersonIhadbecometo
lookatasafriend.Atleasthehadn’tchosento
playsillygameslikeHarrison.

“Lily!”HarrisonwarnedagainwhenIyanked

myhandbackandquicklyscribbledmy
signatureonthedischargeformthenursehad
leftforme.

“IknowIcan’tgohome,butatleastgiveme

somespace.”

Myrequestlookedasthoughithurthim,and

heswallowedroughly,buthenoddedand
turnedtoLiam.“Don’tleaveherfuckingside!”

Liamnoddedinreplyandescortedmewitha

gentlehandonthebaseofmybackoutofthe
room.

“Youokay?”heaskedquietlywhenwe

pushedthroughthemainhospitaldoorsandout
intotheopen.Inoticedhecompletelyshielded
mefromthepaparazziwhenathousandlights
blinkedandshoutedquestionsweredirected
ourway.

Nodding,Ihurriedtothewaitingcarand

breathedasighofreliefwhenourdriverpulled
outintothecitytraffic.

“Bloodyhell,they’reanightmare,”Liam

growled,referringtotherelentlessswarmofthe
media.“Isitalwayslikethis?”

“Prettymuch.AlthoughI’vegrownupwithit,

I’mstillnotusedtobeingthecentreofit.”

“Idoubtyoucouldevergetusedtothat.”
“MumandDadweresteadfastindoingtheir

besttokeepmeoutofthespotlightasachild,
butIsupposeitbecomesinevitablewhenyour
lifetakesitsownroute.”

Nodding,heglancedathisphonewhenaping

announcedatext.“UnlikeHarrison,it’srareI
safeguardacelebrity.”

Laughing,Inudgedhimwithmyelbow.“That

stillsoundsstrange.”

“Whatdoes?”
“Beingreferredtoasacelebrity,”Iclarified.

“Tome,I’mjustme.”

“AndtoHarrison,you’remorethanjustyou,”

hebitout,hisvoicetingedwithahintof
resentment.

Alumpformedinmythroat.Wehadtotalk

aboutLiam’sfeeling,butwhenItried,heshook
hisheadandputhisphonetohisear,abruptly
terminatingourconversation.

Sighing,Isettledbackandwatchedour

surroundingsraceby.ForthefirsttimesinceI’d
beenawareofLiam’sfondnessforme,the
atmospherehadbecomeawkwardbetweenus.I
couldn’thelpbutthinkithadsomethingtodo
withmineandHarrison’skiss.Ifeltlikeabitch.I
hadcompletelyforgottenLiamhadbeeninthe
roomwithus,suchwasmyinfatuationwith

HarrisonCole.

Liamdidn’tsayanotherwordonthejourney,

andassoonaswewerebothbackatHarrison’s
house,Liamdisappearedintotheden.

Thecrushtomychestneededarelease.My

bodyandmindcravedit.So,trappingmyselfin
thebathroom,Isankintoahotbathand
proceededtoturnthebubblesamesmerising
shadeofred.

Twenty-two

LILY

Thecrispairfilledmylungswhenmyselfand

Hayley’shensallspiltoutofAmsterdam’s
Centraalstation.Theblueskyandtheopen
spacewasanimmensewelcomeafterthe
oppressionofairportsandtrainrides.

HayleyhadgrumbledatmewhenI’dshown

upthatmorningwithasupersizedsuitcase,and
asupersizedgloweringHarrisonintow.Icould
seeherpoint,itwasabloodyhenweekend,
bringingalongaguykindofdefeatedtheobject.

I’drangMarkthemomentIhadgotinthe

previousnightandcancelledourdate.Hehadn’t
seemedveryhappyaboutit,butifIwashonest,
hisfeelingswerethelastthingonmymind,andI
mayhavebeenalittlebrusqueandshortly
endedthecall.Laidinbed,thesilenceanddark
awelcomereliefafterthechaoticfewdays,I
hadcometorealisethatamaninmylifewasn’t
doable.Mycareerhadsoared,leavingverylittle
timeformyfriends,ormyselfforthatmatter,
andarelationshipwouldputastrainonmethat
Ididn’tneed.Thatwasbesidethefactalunatic
cameattachedtomelikeadesignerpooch.Who
thehellwouldwanttodatemewiththatfactor
included?

I’dalsodecidedthatIneededtoforgetabout

anyattractiontherewasbetweenHarrisonand

me.Itwasevidenthedidn’twanttoactonthe
chemistrybetweenus,andIhadtoacceptthat
aswell.Iwasn’tthekindofgirlthatcouldjust
hookupforrandomsex,andIknew,deepdown,
asI’msurehedid,that’sallHarrisonwouldbe
abletooffer.Itwouldtakemeawhiletorelax
enoughwithsomeonetobeintimatewiththem,
andHarrisonjustwasn’tthepatienttype.I
imaginedhewouldbeaveteraninthat
department,andsomeonelikeme,timidand
inexperienced,wouldn’tdoitforhim.Iwould
justsaveusboththeembarrassmentofmy
fumblingandleaveourrelationshipstrictly
professional.

“Watchit!”
Mybodyjerkedback,andIgaspedwhenan

obliviouscyclistshotpastme.

Bec’seyeswerewideonme,herfingers

tightlywrappedaroundmyarm.“Youhaveto
watchithere,Lil.Therearecyclistseverywhere
youturn.”

“Sorry,Iwasmilesaway.”
Shakingherheadandsighing,shegrumbled,

“You’vebeendistractedsinceweboardedthe
plane.It’sHayley’shenweekend.Let’snotfocus
onyouallweekend,andmakeherlastdaysof
freedomabouther?Likeitshouldbe.”

Hertoneandthemeaningbehindher

statementhurtalittle,butInodded.Afterall,as

bluntasshesaidit,herlecturewastrue.Mylife
hadcomebetweenusalllately,andBecwas
right,thistripwasaboutHayley.

Inodded,makingamentalnotetoforget

everythinghappeninginmylifeandtoletmy
hairdownforthenextforty-eighthours.

“Googlemapssaysthehotel’sdownhere!”Kit

proclaimed,takingcontrolaswasherusual
thing.Grabbingthehandleofhercase,she
turnedrightandtookoffatspeedinthe
directionthevoiceonherphoneinstructed.

Itmusthavebeenapopularweekendfor

brideandgroomstobe,thefour-hundred-meter
walktoourhotelsawuspassanothertwohen
partiesandastagpartyoftwelverowdymen.I
wassurprisedtofindwinterweddingswere
nowmorepopularthanthey’deverbeen.

Harrisonstrolledclosetomyside;his

awarenessofoursurroundingswasparamount.
ForamomentIcouldn’thelpbutglowerto
myselfwhenIsecretlywishedhepaidasmuch
attentiontomeashedidtoeveryoneand
everythingaroundus.Hewasjustdoinghisjob,
andIshouldhavebeengratefulforthe
protectionheawardedoursmallgroup.
Harrisonhadterriblemanners,butnoonecould
sayhedidn’tgiveonehundredpercentinto
everythinghedeemedimportantinhislife.

“Let’sgetsettledinourroomsandthenwe’ll

hitthebars.Ineedtogethighanddrunk!”
Tracey,oneofHayley’scousins,declared
excitedly.

Ihadtostiflealaughatthelookofalarmon

Harrison’sface.

Leaningintohim,Iloweredmyvoice.“Relax.

ThisisAmsterdam.Whatdidyouexpect?Jelly,
ice-creamandatriptothepark?”

“Theonlytripthesegirlsaregoingtoendup

havingistothehospital!”hegrousedquietlyso
onlyIcouldhearhisobjectiontoTracey’splans.

Isniggeredathissnobbery.“Oh,Ican

guaranteethey’lldefinitelybetrippingbythe
endoftheweekend.”

Herolledhiseyesbutcontinuedtoscowl.

“Pleasetellmeyoudon’tindulge.”

Sighing,IshookmyheadasIsignedmyname

onthecheck-informKitshovedtowardsme.
“It’sonlyabitofpot,Harrison,notgradeA
drugs.”

“Itstillmakesyoulosecontrolofyourself,

Lily!”hegriped.“Andthat’sthelastthingyou
need.Youhavetobealert,nowmorethanever.”

Spinningonmyheels,irritatedatthewayhe

seemedtothinkitwasokaytochastisemelikeI
wasalittlegirl,Iplacedmyhandsonmyhips
andnarrowedmyeyesathim.“Foryour
information,Ihaven’t,norwillIever,smoke
weed.NotbecauseI’majudgyarseholelike

yourself,butbecauseit’ssomethingthat’snever
reallyappealedtome.Plainoldnicotineisgood
enoughforme.”

Liftinghiseyebrowsatme,hesmirked.“A

judgyarsehole?Ithinkyoumean‘judgemental’,
Lily.Isjudgyevenaword?”

“Yes,youfault-findingtwat.You’llfinditin

thedictionaryundertheword,‘Harrison’.
Alongsideitwillbethewords,obnoxious,
hypercritical,andannoying!”

Silencehaddescendedaroundus,andI

stilled,realisingmineandHarrison’sargument
nowhadanaudience.Eventhehotelreception
staffappearedtobethoroughlyengrossedinour
bickering.AlleyeswereonHarrisonasthey
awaitedhiscomebacktomysnipe.

Hecoughed,clearinghisthroat,andrefused

togivethemanymoreentertainmentathis
expense.“IfIcouldhavemykey,”hebarkedat
thepoorgirlsatbehindthereceptiondesk.

Noddingquickly,sheheldoutakeycard,her

poorhandtremblingwithHarrison’sausterity.
“Sir.”

Takingitfromherwithanannoyedhuff,he

stalkedtowardstheelevatorsandstabbedthe
callbuttonwithalongfinger.

Assoonastheliftdoorsclosedbehind

Harrison,aloudsniggertumbledfromBecwhen
shecouldn’tholdontoheramusementany

longer.“Jesus,he’ssuchapartyanimal.Don’t
knowhowwe’regonnakeepupwithhimthis
weekend,girls.”

Hayleystudiedme,hereyebrowsslightly

drawntogetherasifshewaspuzzled.
Eventually,givingmeasoftsmile,shestuckout
herelbowandgesturedformetolatchon.
“Lookslikeit’smeandyousharingaroom.”

Noddingandswallowingbackthelumpof

indignationthathadgrowninmythroat,I
returnedhersmileandslippedmyarmthrough
hers.“Leadtheway.I’mgaspingforadrink.”

“Meetyouinthehotelbarinanhour!”Kit

shoutedafterusjustbeforetheliftdoorsclosed.

“EverythingokaybetweenyouandSherlock

Holmes?”Hayleyaskedassoonaswestartedto
ascendthemanyfloorstoourallocatedone.

“Yeah.”
SheknewIwaslying,butchoosingtoletit

rest,shemerelynoddedandclappedherhands
together.Theloudnoisemademejumpbutas
thoughitwasthestartingpistolonarace,its
soundsignifiedthebeginningofourweekend,
andHayleybouncedupanddownontheheelsof
herfeet.“I’msoexcited.Thisisgonnabethe
bestweekendever!”

Herexcitementwascontagiousandunableto

holdontothesombremoodHarrisonhad
plummetedmein,Igrinnedatherandgaveher

asqueeze.“I’msohappyforyou,Hayley.That
manofyoursisakeeper,andhe’ssoluckyto
haveyoutoo.”

Shebeamedatme.“Thanks,Lil.”
Thedoorsopened,andwesteppedoutonto

thefloorourroomwassituatedon.Afewpeople
milledupanddown,eachpersongluedtotheir
phonesandremindingmetoswitchmydata
roamingon.

“Here!”Hayleycalledbeforesheswipedthe

cardintheslotanddisappearedintoourroom.

Slidingmyphonebackintothepocketofmy

bag,IgroanedwhenIfeltitvibrateoverand
overasitcaughtupandreceivedallthetexts
andmessagesIhadmissedwhileithadbeen
switchedoff.

JustasIreachedourroom,thedoornextto

mineandHayley’sroomopened,andHarrison
steppedout.IwasjustabouttogrumblethatI’d
beenstuckintheadjoiningroomwhenIcaught
hissombreexpression.

“What’swrong?”
Hechewedonhisbottomlip,andIcouldn’t

misshowhistannedskinwaspalerthanusual.

“Weneedtotalk.”
Frowning,Ifollowedhimwhenhesaid

nothingelseandsteppedbackinsidehisroom.It
waslarge,thevastbedthatlaycentralmademe
thinkhowwellhewouldbeabletostarfish.I

shookmyselfwhenmymindwanderedand
otherimagesofwhathemightbedoinginthere
mademyguttwist.Ihadtoletitgo.Amsterdam
wasknownforitslaidbackapproachtosex,and
itwasabouttimeItookonsomeofitsattitude
andstoppedbeensuchafrigidBridgette.

“Youneedtositdown.”
Myskinprickledwithuneaseandonshaking

legs,Iloweredmyselfontotheedgeofhisbed.
“Harrison,what’sgoingon?”

Hetwistedhishandsandexhaledslowly.My

phonewasgoingcrazy,theconstantbuzzinga
distraction.AsIreachedforit,Harrisonhalted
mewithahandonmyarm.

“Don’t,”hesaidquietlywithasmallshakeof

hishead.Takingthephonefromme,heswitched
itbackoff.

“Harrison?Willyoutellmewhatthehellis

goingon!”

Crouchinginfrontofme,hetookbothmy

handsinhisandsighed.“AwhileagoI
interceptedathreatinyourmail.”

Istiffened.“Whatkindofthreat?”
Hepaledfurtheranddroppedhiseyes.“You

rememberwhenIhadyourhousecombedfor
cameras?”Hewaitedformynodbeforehe
continued.“Well,youreceivedafilecontaining
footageofyou…”

Ibracedmyself,swallowingforcefully.

Somethingterriblewascoming,Icouldseeitin
thelookofpitystormingHarrison’susualcool
blueeyes.Thewarmazurethatstaredatme
almostmademyheartstop,andmymouthdried
withapprehension.

“…Footageofyoumasturbatinginthebath.”
Mytongueglueditselftotheroofofmy

mouthandIhaddifficultypeelingitoff.“Sorry,
saythatagain.”

“Apendrivecontainingarecordingofyou

gettingyourselfoffinthebathcamewitha
note.”

Myjawtrembled,andIwasamazedI

managedtoformwordswhenIsucceededto
ask,“Whatdidthenotesay?”

“Hesaid,ifyoudidn’tcomplywithhis

demandthenhewoulduploadtherecordingto
YouTube.”

Myhandswereshakingsohard.Myface

burnedwithembarrassmentandshame
knowingthatHarrisonhadseenmenakedinthe
bath,friggingmyselfoff.Oxygenseemed
restrictedintheairaroundme,andIbeganto
feellightheaded.“Whatdidheaskfor?”

“That’sjustit.”Harrisonshookhishead,

mystified.“Hedidn’taskforanything.I
interceptedeverythingafterthatandtherewere
nocommandsorinstructions.”

“Oh.”Istartedtorelax.“Maybeitwasjusta

flukethen,ortheidiotfinallydecidedIwasn’tas
excitingashe’dhopedandchosetoleaveme
alone.”

Shakinghisheadslowly,Harrison’sgraspon

myhandstightened.“Thevideowasuploadedto
theinternetthismorning,Lily.”

Harrison’sfacebecamelostintheblurthat

rushedatme.Mylungssquealedinprotestwhen
alltheairevaporated,andhorrorbecamea
clamparoundmythroat.Myheartstampededin
mychest,andtheworldtiltedonitsaxisasIslid
sidewaysandpassedout.

Twenty-three

HARRISON

Myheartwentouttoher.Herwide,

frightenedeyeswerescopingtheroom
purposefully–unfalteringlyinhermissionto
lookanywherebutatme.Herembarrassment
wasunmistakableinthestiflingairoftheroom,
eventhoughI’drepeatedlytriedtoeaseher
humiliation.

Shewasnodding,unfallentearsglisteningon

thetipsofhereyelashesasshelistenedtoFrank,
QuantumRock’smanager,onherphone.

MyownphonewasinconstantusetooasI

pulledinallmyresources.Thequickerthat
videowastakendown,thesoonerLilycould
enjoytheweekendshedeservedwithallher
friends.

IhadtowonderifthesickoknewLilywas

awayforthenexttwodays.Itcertainlymadeit
alltheharderforFrankandmetoputourheads
togetherandgetthisshitdealtwithfaster.There
wasonlysomuchIcoulddoviaemailandphone
calls.

“Frank’smanagedtopullit,”Lilysaidquietly

butloudenoughformetohearheroverthe
rattleofHamish,oneofYouTube’ssecurity
advisorsashespokefluentScottishinmyear.
ThankingHamish,Iendedthecallandsmiledat
Lily.

“Well,that’sgood.”
Shescoffed.“Ithadoverthreehundred

thousandhitsbeforeitwasremoved,Harrison.
Everysinglesordidpicturewillbeallover
tomorrow’snewspapers.Iknowit,andsodo
you.”

“Frankwillbeabletoputahaltonallmedia

articles.It’sinvasionofprivacy.”

“Butit’stoofuckinglate!”shecriedout,the

tearsthathadbeenpuddlinginhereyesfinally
breakingfreeandrollingeffortlesslydownher
whitecheeks.“Whythehelldidn’tyoutellme
earlier?”

“Therewasnopointworryingyou.”
“Whatthehell?”ShelookedatmelikeI’d

grownthreeheadsinthelasttenseconds.“No
point?Jesus,Harrison,you’resobloody
frustrating!”

“I’mfrustrating!?”Iscoffedatthat.Lily

CooperwasthemostinfuriatingpersonIhad
evermet.

Shenoddedquickly,herlittlelegseatingup

thedistancebetweenusassheadvancedonme.
Herhandsfistedbyhersideandherjaw
tightenedwithrage.“Threethousandpeople
havejustseenmenakedinthebath,Harry!I’d
saythatwouldgiveyouareasontotellmewhat
thehellisgoingoninmyownlife.Wouldn’t
you?”

“Idon’tfuckingcare!”Iwaslosingit,thecool

Inormallyhandledwellflyingoutofthe
windowwiththismaddening,utterlybeautiful
womanbeforeme.“Believeme,nofuckerelsein
thisworldwilleverseeyounakedagain!”

Hereyeswidened.Ihadconfusedher.Ihad

alsobeenconfusedbymyself.Untilrightthen.
Untileverythingbecamecrystalclear.

“Onlyme,LilyCooper.Onlyme.”
Uncertaintyswirledinthedepthsofher

vibranteyesandshefrowned.“Sorry,what?”

Closingthegapshehadleftbetweenus,Iran

thetipofmyfingerdownhercheek,following
thetracksofhertears.Herbreathingspedupin
rhythmwithmyown,andsheswallowedloudly.
“Harrison?”IsawhermouthmovebutIcouldn’t
focusonwhatshewassaying.Lickingherlips,
shetriedagain.“Harry?”

“Jesus,”IwhisperedasIleanedforward.Her

warmbreathonmylipswhensheexhaled
sharplyhadmestiflingagroan.“Fromthe
momentIlaideyesonyouIknewyou’dbemine.
IknewwithoutadoubtthatIhadtohaveyou.”

Hereyesglistenedasshegazedupatme.We

weresoclosethatIcouldpracticallyfeelher
heartbeatingagainstmyownchest.

“I’veneverwantedtoworshipawoman’s

bodyasmuchasIdoyours.Thewayyoumove,
thewayyoulaugh.Thewayyoufightme.The

wayyoureyeslightupwiththepassionthatyou
keephiddenaway.Iwantallofyou,Lily.Ineed
allofyou.”

“Harrison.”Hervoiceshookasfeartookover

her.

“Don’teverbefrightenedofme,Lily.”
Sheshookherheadslowly,hereyesnowsad

andfullofanguish.“I’mnotscaredofyou.I’m
terrifiedof…of…”

Webothjumpedwhenthedoorflewopen

andKitburstin.“Lily,thereyouare…”She
stoppeddeadinhertracks,hereyesdarting
fromLilytomeandbackagain.Liftingafinger
intheair,shepointedatusbothbeforepressing
itagainstherlips.Shewasaweirdone.“Umm.”

“Youknowthatpieceofwood?That,there,

rightbehindyou,thatsitsinthewoodenframe?
It’scalledadoor,Kit!”Ibarked,quicklystepping
awayfromLily.Icouldfeelthehumiliation
pouringfromherinwavesasherfaceflushed
andshegulpedloudly.“It’sthereforabloody
reason!”

Kitrearedbackatmyoutburstandpouted

sternlyasshenarrowedhereyesatme.“No
needtoberude,Sherlock!”

“Sherlock?”
“Yes.Sherlock,”sherepeated.“Yououghtto

takealeafoutofhisbookandtrysomeofhis
recreationalpursuitswhileyou’rein

Amsterdam.Mightlightenyouupabit!”

Withoutanotherword,shemarchedupto

Lily,hookedherarmthroughherelbowand
draggedheroutoftheroom.

Istoodinstunnedsilence,staringatthedoor

theyabruptlydisappearedthroughasanger
startedtoslitherintomyveins.I’dbeensoclose.
Soveryclosetohavingher.

Asifangryatthefactitwasstillrefusedwhat

itwantedmorethananythingintheworld,my
cocktwitched.Ifrownedatthatthought.‘More
thananythingintheworld’.Yes,IwantedLily,
butitwasjustsexIpursuedherfor.Nothing
more.

Myringingphonesnappedmefromthe

argumentmyheadwashavingwithmyheart
andmydick,andIansweredquicklywhenJim’s
nameflashedup.“Jim?”

“Gothim.”
Myfistsclenchedreflexively,andIexhaledat

length.“Good.I’monmyway.”

HatingwhatIwasabouttodo,butnothaving

anychoiceinthematter,IquicklyrangLiam.“I
needyoutocometoAmsterdamandtakeover?”
Ibarkedassoonasheansweredmycall.

DidIwantLiamandLilyalonein

Amsterdam?No,didIfuck!ButIcouldn’tleave
Lilyalone,norcouldIkeepCarlBrixsom
waiting.

“Findoutwhentheearliestflightoutisand

bookit,”Iorderedthroughclenchedteeth.“Lily
willbefinewithherfriendsfortheafternoon
untilyouarrive.I’llbeonthenextflightback.”

GratefulthatIhadn’thadachancetounpack,

Isnatchedupmysuitcaseandletthedoorbang
onmywayout.

Twenty-four

LILY

HARRISON:HadtogobacktotheUK.Liam

willmeetyouthisPM.

Istaredatthetextlikemyphonewasabout

toblowupinmyhand.Mystomachtwistedwith
hurtandthelumpinmythroatexpandedwith
anger.WhatwasitwithHarrison,thatevery
timeIthoughtweweregettingcloserandthe
chemistrybetweenuswasabouttogiveoff
sparks,didheupsticksandfuckoff!Heseemed
todumpmemorethanGerryusedtodumpin
thegravelonmydriveway.

“Arsehole,”Imutteredundermybreath.
“Eh?”Kitaskedassheslippedherfeetinto

thetiniestshoesIhadeverseen.Strangely,I’d
nevernoticedhowsmallherfeetwerebefore.

“Whatshoesizeareyou?”Iknewitwasan

oddquestion,butmyfriendswereusedtomy
randomnessbynow.

“Three.”Shespunherfootaroundonthe

ginormoussilverheel.“Doyoulikethem?”

“Howthefuckdothosetinyfeetkeepallof

youupright?”

Hermouthfellopenandhereyesgrew

round.“Areyoucallingmefat?”

“What?No!”
IlookedtoHayleyforhelp,butshesniggered

andshrugged.“Itkindadidsoundlikethat,
babe.”

“Well,itwasn’tmeantlikethat,”Iexclaimed.
“Jesus,whopissedonyourpants?”Bec

grumbled.“Thisissupposedtobeaparty!Cheer
thefuckuporshutthefuckup!”

AllheadsturnedtoBec,andweallgawkedat

her,eachofusshockedwithherantagonism
towardsme.

Shrugging,unapologetic,Becglaredatme.

“Well,thisweekendissupposedtobeabout
Hayley,notyou.Andherewegoagain,another
Lilymeltdown.Whythehelldoeseverything
havetobeaboutyou?”

Ontheonehand,Iunderstoodhergrievance

withme,butnotthewayitwassaid.“Doyou
thinkI’menjoyingallthisshitthat’sbeen
happening?”

Shescoffed,shakingherhead.“Whoknows

withyou.Youlovebeingthecentreofattention.
PooroldLily.Everyonehastowalkonfucking
eggshellswhenyou’rearound!AndGodforbid
weevermentionyourpast.”

TearsbubbledinmyeyesandIflinchedwhen

shespat,“Allthisholierthanthoushitdoesn’t
cutitwithme,Lil.Youreckonyou’reall
traumatisedandtroubledbywhathappenedto
you,anditturnedyouintoafuckingnun.God
forbidanyoneshouldtalkaboutsexwithyou

around!”Sheflungherarmsintheairastearsof
ragestreameddownherface.“Andlowand
behold,youDIYit.Ihatefakepeople,and
whoeveruploadedthatshitofyoutoYouTube
deservesafuckingmedalforshowingpeople
whoyoureallyare!”

“Bec.Fuck,that’senough!”Hayleycutin,

comingtostandbymyside.

Icouldn'tspeak,thehatreddirectedatme

leavingmenumb.Therestofmyfriendswereas
quietasme,shockedbythevenomtargetedat
me.Iwasn’tsureexactlywhatI’ddonewrong,
andwhenIfinallyopenedmymouthtoaskher,
shestormedfromtheroom.

“Whatthehellwasthatallabout?”Kitasked

asthedoorslammedbehindmybestfriend.

“Ihavenoidea.Shewasangryatmeearlier,

warningmenottomakethisweekendaboutme,
butshit,Ididn’tthinkshewasthatfuckedoff
withme.”

Hayleygavemeasadsmileandrubbedmy

arm.“Well,Idon’thaveanissuewithyoutaking
awaymylimelight.”Shewinkedatme.“Come
on,girls.I’lltextBecandletherknowwherewe
arewhenwesettleintothefirstpub.”Slipping
intohershoes,shepickedupherbagthen
turnedtous.“TimetoseewhatAmsterdamhas
tooffer.”

“Booze,sexandmarijuana.Andifyou’renot

upforthem,”Traceylaughed,“thenyou’reinthe
wrongplace.”

HayleyshookherheadbrisklywhenTracey

hookedherarmandledtheway.“Ican’tdothe
sex,Trace.I’mgettingmarried!”

“Youmaybegettingmarried,hun,butthat

doesn’tmeanyoucan’twatchsomeoneelse
havesex.”

Igroanedinwardlywhenshehandedmea

sashstatingthatitwasHayley’shenpartyand
pickedupmyclutch.ThelastthingIfanciedwas
somebackstreet,sleazysexclub.But,asIhad
beentold,thisweekendwasn’taboutme.So,I
slappedasmileonmyface,grittedmyteeth,and
joinedtheprocessiontothenearestbar.

***

Hayleyrolledhereyesatme.Theact

currentlyboringustotearsonthestagepulled
anotherlengthofluminousribbonfromherlady
partsand,grossly,stuffeditintohermouth.
JaxsonGamble’s,TasteforGoldwasplaying
loudlyfromvariousspeakerspositionedaround
thesmalltheatre.Itwasn’tfuckinggoldshewas
tasting,thatwasforsure!

“Bloodyhell,”Hayleymumbled,ashudder

accompanyingherspokendistaste.“LikeI’ll
everbeabletoerasethatfrommymind!And,

comeon,she’sgotmorefannyfurthanDavey
Crockett’sfuckinghat!”

“Myeyesarebroken!”Kitexclaimed,

pretendingtovomitintoherhandbag.

Grabbingmybagfromthefloorbymyfeet,I

startedtoshuffletotheendoftherow.“I’llmeet
youinthebarwhenMissMaypole2018has
finishedheract.”

ThegirlsnoddedtomeasIambledalongthe

lineofseats.Gruntsofprotestserenadedmy
evacuationasguysandgirlsalltriedtopeerpast
thecurveofmyfatarsetoseewhatwas
happeningonthestage.

“Notyourcupoftea?”LiamaskedwhenIslid

ontothevacantstoolbesidehimatthebar.

Liamhadarrivedanhourearlier.He’dbeena

goodsport,taggingalongtothemanyplaces
we’dstumbledinto,buthe’dputhisfootdownat
watchingalivesexshowwithagroupof
drunkenhens.Hence,whyhewasnowpropping
upthebarwithhisusualorangejuice.

“Bloodyawful!Ineedadrink?”
“Whatdoyouwant?”heasked,signallingthe

barmanover.

“Alcohol!”
Snorting,henoddedandaskedforaGrey

Goose,neat,noice.Iwassurprisedheeven
rememberedwhatIdrank.“Getthatdownyour

neck,”heurgedashepushedittowardsme.I
didn’tneedtobetoldtwice.

“So,what’sthedealwithHarrison’sswifthop

backtotheUK?”IassumedIwascovertinmy
questioning,butthesidewaysglanceLiamgave
me,andthefrustratedclickofhistongue,told
meIhadguessedwrong.

“Justsomebusinesshehastodealwith.”
Lookingdownathisphonewhenitalerted

himtoatext,hefrownedandcheckedhiswatch.
Helookedlostforamomentandchewedonhis
bottomlip.

“Everythingokay?”
Shakinghimselffromhisthoughts,henodded

andgavemeafakesmile.“Yup.Nothingto
worryabout,poppet.”

Narrowingmyeyesonhim,Ipokedhimin

theribs.“Outwithit.”

Helookedatmeforamoment,asifhewas

weighingmeup,beforehetippedhisphonemy
wayandgesturedformetoreadthetext.

BECCA:WhatdoesshehavethatIdon’t?

It’salwaysher!Whatever,I’mouthavingfun!
Fuckyou!

“Becca?”Ishookmyhead,notunderstanding.
But,then,itclicked,andIstaredatLiamwith

anopenmouth.“YouandBec?Shit,whendid

thishappen?”

Heblewoutalongbreathanddecidingthis

wouldneedmorethanjustorangejuice,he
signalledforthebartenderandaskedfora
vodka.Neat.Mykindaman!

“Aboutaweekago,orso.Butsheseemsto

havethisthing.”Heleanedclosertome.“She
thinksmeandyouhavesomethinggoingon.”

Inoddedslowly.“Uh-huh.”HowcouldIhave

beensowrong?“Tobehonest,Liam,I,uhh,I
kindathoughtthattoo.”Ishookmyhead
quickly,cringing.“Well,thatmaybeyour...Uhh,
feelingsweren’tjustonthefriendscale.Kinda…”
Myvoicefadedoutasheatflamedmycheeks
withmortification.

Hisexpressionwasalmostcomical.Hiswide

eyesfixedonmeandhismouthfellopen.“Eh?
God!No!”

Iwasn’tsureifIwasoffendedbyhisreaction

orifIwantedtogetdownonmykneesand
thankGod.Eitherway,myconsciencerelaxed
whenIrealisedI’dhaditallwrongabouthow
Liamfeltaboutme.

Icringedbutgiggled,“Iwasstartingto

worry.”

Heshookhisheadandfrowned.“DearGod,I

thinktheworldofyou,poppet.But,notlike
that!”

Iblewoutalongbreathandunwoundforthe

firsttimeindays.“So,comeon.YouandBec?”

“Wejusthititofffromthestart.She’ssassy

andsoGoddamsexy.Shit,thewayherhips
movewhenshewalks.Andthatlittlebirthmark
aboveher…”Heclammedupandgavemea
sheepishsmile.“Yeah,anyway.That.”

Inodded,grinning.“Yeah,Iknowtheoneyou

mean.”Inudgedhimandsmirked.“Theoneshe
hasjustaboveherhipbone.”

Heblanched,butthendecidingtogowithit,

henoddedandbeamedatme.“Howhotisthat
fucker?”

Laughing,Itookasipofvodka.“Well,seeing

asthoughI’mnotintomybestfriendlikethat,
I’mnotsureI’dcallitsexy.But,it’sdefinitely
cute.”

“Cute?”Heseemedtoswirlthewordaround

hismouthasifhewasmusingovermyterm.
Eventually,hetwistedhislipsandexhaledat
length.“Nah,definitelysexy.”

IwassohappyforBec.ItwasclearLiamwas

smitten.And,now,herattitudewithmemade
completesense.Shewasfoulwithmebecause
shethoughtLiamfanciedmeandnother.

Howwrongwehadbothbeen!
“Listen,”Isaidtohimafterhe’ddownedthe

entiretyofhisdrink.“Ringherandgofindher.”

Concerncrossedhisfeaturesandheshook

hishead.“No,I’mdetailingyoutonight.”

“Liam!”Isighed,exasperated.“I’minthe

middleofAmsterdamwithsixotherwomenand
aroundathousandothers.Nooneisgonnadrag
meoffinthemiddleofacrowdedRed-Light
district…Well,apartfromsomeofthestranger
womenI’veseeninafewofthedarkerwindows.
Theycouldturnouttobealittlesinister.”I
shiveredattheimageforeverstoredinmy
memorybanksofthehugewomanwhohad
blownmeakissthroughthegrimeofher
specificwindow.Shewasencasedinnothing
elsebutathinstripofblackleather,ormost
probablycheapplastic,whichtightlycoiled
aroundherbodylikeasnakesizingupitsprey.
Herpeculiarblacknipplesanddunesoffatstuck
outthrougheachofthecrisscrosses,andthe
burgerI’deatenearlierdecideditreallydidn’t
likethatsight.Shakingherfrommyheadbefore
IbarfedmyGreyGooseback,Ifocussedbackon
Liam.“Ipromise,assoonasthegirlshave
finishedwatchingtheshow,Iwillgostraight
backtothehotel.”

Worryinghislipwithhisteeth,helooked

conflicted.“Idunno,poppet.”

However,whenhisphonerangandBec’s

nameflashedup,hegulpedbackhis
apprehensionandscowledatme.“Youpromise
nottogoanywhereonyourown?”

“Ipromise.”Iliftedtwofingerstomytemple

andmademysolemnvow.

“Andyou’lltextmeyourwhereaboutsevery

tenminutes?”

Jesus,whatdidthismanwant,myDNAona

tracker?

Asifalightningbolthitme,Iliftedafinger

andgrinnedathim.Takinghisphonefromhim
andansweringit,ItoldBectogivehimfive
minutes.Notquitesurewhatshe’dhavemadeof
that,butLiamwouldputherrightlater.Then,
firinguphisinternet,Isearchedfortheappthat
Harrisonhadshownmeandloadedinthe
details.

Asifbymagic,asmallmappoppedupanda

littleredlightblinkedbrightlyinthemiddleof
Amsterdam’sRed-Lightdistrict.

Turninghisphonetowardshim,Itappedthe

tinyflashingdot.“See,aredlightinthered-light
district.That’sme!”

Herolledhiseyes,exasperatedwithour

stupidity.“Yourbangle.”

“Mybangle,”IechoedasIliftedmyhandand

spanitaroundmywrist.“Youcankeeptrackof
myeverymove!”

Hegrinned,shotoffthechair,anddidn’teven

bothertowavegoodbye.Charming.

Twenty- ive

HARRISON

CarlBrixsomwasfuckingtough.I’dgivehim

that.He’dbeentighterthanameloninapeapod
withinformation.However,Iwastougher,andit
wasabouttimehestartedtorealisethat.

Therewasn’tmuchofhisfaceleft,orhisteeth

andnailscometothat.Iwasjustabouttostart
onthesolesofhisfeetwhenthemotherfucker,
infuriatingly,passedout.

“Fuckme,”Andy,aguyIoccasionallyusedto

givemeahandifIneededit,grumbled.
“Thoughthe’dholdoutbetterthanthat.Justgoes
toshowthatpackingsomeirondoesn’tmake
youformidable.”

Iwantedtohurthimsomemore.Ihad

relishedinhisscreams.Baskedinhistears.
Everysliceofmybladeoverhisfleshandeach
hitIhurthimwithhadcomewithavisionofthe
bruisinghehadmarkedLilywith.

Throwingdownthescalpelontothesmall

table,Imademywayovertothetapthatstuck
outofthewallandstartedtowashtheblood
away.

“YouwantmetostayandseeifIcanbreak

himsomemore?”Andyaskedashepeeledoff
hislatexglovesandthrewthemintothelarge
binlinerthatwouldlaterbeincinerated–along
withthehalf-deadbodyofCarlBrixsom.It

wouldbegoodtohearhisscreamsasthefire
meltedhisheartandblisteredhisbrain.

“Nah.He’snotgonnacrack,Andy.Ifhewas

he’dhavedoneitbynow.Ain’tmuchleftofhim
totorture,tobehonest.”Igrittedmyteethatthe
furyofdefeatthatracedoverme.“I’llgetmy
techguystoseewhattheycanfindoutabout
him.Maybehewassloppywithsome
transactionsoremails.”

Henodded,agreeingwithme.“Mightbe

worthashot.”Slippingonacleanpairofgloves,
hestartedwiththeclean-upregime.Weirdly,
thiswasalwayshisfavouritepart.Eachtotheir
own,Isupposed.“Youwanthimcrematedalive
ordead?”heaskedasheinjectedCarlwitha
paralysingserum,justenoughtodisablehimso
hewouldn’tgiveusgriefonthefinaljourneyhe
wouldtake.

WhenImerelyquirkedaneyebrowathim,

hesmirked.“Aliveitis.I’llhangbackuntilthe
serumdilutes.Justtogivehimamoreepic
goodbye.”

Handinghimanenvelopecontaininghisfee,I

snatchedupmycoatandbidhimgoodbye.

Unabletoresistagain,Iopenedthetracking

appandcheckedLily’slocation.Thereddot
movedthroughthebackstreetsofAmsterdam.I
wasn’tsureIlikedherinthatsketchypartof
town,butIknewLiamwouldhaveherback.

Fromthefastpacetheicontwistedaroundthe
map,Ipresumedshewasinacab.Frowning
whensomethingdidn’tfeelright,Ienlargedthe
location.Shewastravellingawayfromthehotel.
Checkingthetimeandfindingitwasaslateas
3am,IbroughtupLiam’snumber.

Itrangforawhilebeforeheanswered.

“Hmm?”hemumbled.Evidently,Ihadjust
wokenhim.

“Whereareyou?”
“Atthehotel.Why?”
ThebloodinmyveinscurdledandIsuckedin

alongbreath.“Where’sLily?”

“Hotel.Camebackaroundhalfonethis

morning.Why?”Hewasmorealertnow.Aswas
myheartbeat.

“Anychanceshehaslostthebangle?”
“No,itwaswithherearlier.Harry?”
Ignoringhimforamoment,Icheckedthe

map.Herdothadstoppedmoving.Ashadmy
heartbeat.

“Whythefuckissheinthedodgyareaofthe

citycentrethen?”Therewasanedgetomyvoice
thatshiftedLiamfromhisbed,thesoundof
sheetsrustlingandthewhisperofawoman’s
voiceaskinghimwhatwasgoingon,alertingme
tothefacthe’dbeencosyingup.Andnot
detailingLily!

“Fuck!”Ihissed,runningtomycar.Ijust

prayedtherewasanoutgoingflightto
Amsterdamwithinthehour.

***

“HotelsecurityguysaidLilywentoutfora

smokearoundquarterpasttwothismorning.
CCTVconfirmsthatas…”LiamstatedbeforeI
cuthimoff.

“Andhedidn’tthinkitfunnyshedidn’tcome

backin?”Jesus,theywereallmorons!

We’dgonetothelocationthebangle

indicatedandfoundittossedonthesideofthe
road.Thetwinkleofthediamondswassubdued
bythesmearofblood.

Icouldn’tthink,fearmakingmybrainmush.

Myhandsshookfromthesurgeofadrenaline
rushingthroughmybloodstream.

Myphonerang,andIquicklyanswered.

“Harry.Quickupdate.I’vemanagedtoliaise
withDaan,amateofmineintheNationalPolice
Corpsoverthere,”Jimmystated.Luckily,from
theCCTVsituatedatthefrontofthehotel,we’d
managedtogetafaintimageofaguywalkingup
toLilyasshestoodtooneedgeofthehotel
smokingacigarette,andI’dsentthefootage
overtoJim.Thetroublewas,thatbecausethey
werejusttothesideoftheangleofthecamera,
we’donlymanagedtoobtainarearviewofhim

andhalftheregistrationplateofthecarhe
stuffedherinto.Ihadwatchedoveronaloopas
he’dslappedaragoverLily’sfaceandpinned
herdownuntilshestoppedwrithing.

“Goon,”Iurgedhim.
“Possiblefourvehiclesfromthepartialplate

yougot.”Hereeledofftheregistrationdetails,
includingaddressesforeachone,andIsignalled
toKittowritethemdown,repeatingthemout
loudtoher.“Daanhastrafficoverthere
searchingtheirCCTVforsightingsofeachone.
Allportshavebeenalerted,andLilyhasn’tcome
upontheirsystemsinceshelandedatSchiphol
airportonSaturday.So,atleastweknowshe’s
stillthere.Somewhere.Ifanyonetriesusingher
passport,itwillflashupontheirsystem,and
they’llnotifyhimstraightaway.”

“Youhadasnifffromanyoneoverthere?”I

asked,referringtothebullshitwewere
receivingfromallthehierarchyintheMET.

“Notyet.Butdoubtit’llbelongbeforeit

flashesupthatI’veloggedinfromanalternative
locationthanTheYard.Amsterdamareonit,
anyway,Harry,andIhavenoworries
concerningDaan.He’ssolid.Hehasyournumber
tocontactyou,justincaseIgoofftheradar.”

Thankinghim,Iendedthecall.
“Youwannatrytheaddresses?”Liamasked,

butIshookmyheadandgrabbedmylaptop.

“Hewon’tbestupidenoughtokeepherathis

homeaddress.”

LoggingintotheSISdatabase,Iproceededto

inputthedetailsoftheonlyleadswehad.
Somethinghadtoflashupaboutoneofthese
guys.Surely.

LilyCooperwasclose.Iwassureofit.Ijust

prayedthatIfoundherintime.

Twenty-six

LILY

Myheadthumped,makingmewinceatthe

pain.Nausealayheavyinmybelly,andmyeyes
feltblisteredandsore.Groaning,Iopenedthem
andsquintedinthedimness.

IttookmeawhiletorealisewhereIwas.And

thenithitme.

Thescreamthatleftmeshouldhavewoken

thedead,andtheGodsforthatmatter.Buteven
theydidn’tcometosaveme.

Iwaschainedtoaheftyironringwhichwas

embeddedintotheconcretefloor.Myterrified
eyeslookedatmysurroundings.Iwasn’tsureifI
wasinagarageornot,butitwassomething
similar.I’dhaveguessedatitbeingroughly
twentysquaremeters,andthechillfromthe
concretefloorseepedintomybones.Highmetal
wallswerewindowlessandvariousshelves
litteredwithavarietyoftoolshungprecariously
ononeofthewalls.Countlessboxesofassorted
sizeswerestackedinonecorner.Iscreamed
againwhensomethingsmallandfurryscuttled
frombehindalargeroneanddisappeared
througharustyholeatthesideofthedoor.

Thechainssecuredtomyanklesrattled

whenIyankedatthemasItriedinvaintobreak
them.

Asifmyscreamingsummonedhim,themetal

doorslowlypushedopen.Iscamperedbackinto
thecorner,beseechingtheshadowstohideme
fromhim.

Ididn’tknowwhohewasatthattime.
ButIdidwhenhesteppedintothelight.

Thescreamthatwastrappedinmythroat

wasfreedwhenIspewedviolentlyoverthecold
concretebesideme.

Myheadshook,andmyterrifiedbody

trembledinfearasIstaredwide-eyedathim.
Tearsblurredmyvision,distortinghisfeatures.

Butitwasn’tafaceIwouldeverforget.

“Helloagain,Lily.”

Twenty-seven

HARRISON

Thesoundofmyfingershittingthekeyboard

wastheonlysoundintheroom.Myeyesswiftly
scannedeverypieceofinformationthatscrolled
acrossthescreen.

Growingangry,Islammedmyfistonthe

desk.

Liamplacedatakeawaycoffeebesidemy

laptopwithoutsayingawordandturnedbackto
hisown.

“Shecan’tjustdisappearintothinair!”Bec

exclaimedwithworryetchedintoherfeatures.

Lily’sfriendshadallbeenpacingtheentirety

ofthehotelroomfloorforthelastfewhours.Jax
andEveCooper,alongwithBoss,hadarrived
withinthelasthalfanhour.Evewasbeside
herselfwithdread,andthehotelhadsenttheir
on-dutydoctoruptotheroomtogivehera
sedative.Jaxhadburstintotheroomandhad
subsequentlyflooredmewithonepunch.He
blamedme.Fuck,Iblamedme.Needlesstosay,I
hadn’thithimback.Iowedhimabitofpain,that
wasforsure.Ishouldneverhavelefther!Carl
Brixsomcouldhavewaited,butIwaseagerfora
leadandhehadbeenmyonlyhopeatthetime.

Ididn’tblameLiam.Lilyhadbeentuckedup

inbed,andhehadmadesureofthat.Yet,ifI’d
beenhere,Iwouldmostlikelyhavespentthe

nightwithher.Sexualchemistryhadbeen
growingbetweenusforsometime,andweboth
knewwewouldn’tbeabletoholdbackformuch
longer.Iachedforher.Thefeelingwasstrange
tome.I’dneverhankeredforawomanbefore,
andIwaslikeadogwithabone.But,forthefirst
time,thedesireinmewantedtostudyevery
pieceofherpleasureandnotmerelyexploremy
own.IwantedtoseethelookinhereyeswhenI
sankdeepinsideher.Ineededtohearhowshe
wouldsoundasIfuckedherhard.Iwondered
howherskinwouldfeelagainstmyown.Itwas
analienfeeling,andIwasn’tsurehowtocope
withit.

Oneoftheregisteredkeepersonthelistof

vehiclesJimhadsentoverhadbeenarental
company.Daan,Jim’smate,hadwokenthe
manager,andIwaswaitingforaname.Ididn’t
holdoutmuchhope,itwouldturnouttobea
fakeanyway.

AnemailfromDaanflasheduponmyscreen.

Acopyofthelicensethemanhadprovidedto
theleasecompanywasattached,andIentered
hisnameintothedatabase.FrederickMalloy.
Apparently,Fredericklivedinanapartmentin
DamSquare.Iseriouslydoubtedthat.However,
somethingniggledinthebackofmymindwhen
Iscrutinisedtheimageofhimfromthelicense.

Mybraintriedtomakealink,butIcouldn’t
quiteputmyfingeronwhattroubledmeabout
hisface.Enteringhisimageintotheagency’s
facerecognitionprogram,Isatandwaitedfor
verification.

Ittooksecondsforittofindamatch.
“Fuck!”
IsatupstraighterandLiamhurriedly

wheeledhischairacrosstheroomtopeerover
myshoulder.

PadraicFedorov.
Myheartbeatfaster,sendingmybraininto

chaos.

ARussianmotherfucker!
Instantlyclickingonhisfile,Isuddenly

realisedwhothehellhewas.

PadraichadconnectionswiththeBratva,the

Russianmafia,andhadbeenoneoftheSIS’more
problematicfuckstopindown.Hissister,
OdianaYeltsin,alsohadafileaslongasmyarm.

MymindreeledovertheconversationLily

andIhadhadaboutherkidnapping.

“So,therewerethreeofthemintotal?”
Shenoddedandhiccupped.“Yes.Anotherman

andawoman.Themanwasinhislatetwenties,”
shewhispered.

“Whatdidhelooklike?”Iasked.
“Blondehair.Irememberhisnose;itwasquite

bigandcrooked.Hehadascarunderneathhis

righteye.”

MyeyeszeroedinonPadraicFedorov’s

photograph.Thelongscarthatrandownthe
rightsideofhisbig,crookednosecausedthe
bloodinmyveinstofreeze.

QuicklyimputingOdiana’sdetailsintothe

system,Isuckedinabreathanddaredtohope.
“Oneofthenamesassociatedwithhissisterhas
alock-upbehindVondelpark!”Iexclaimed,
makingLiamjump.

Wewereupandoutofthereinamatterof

seconds.

Twenty-eight

LILY

Frozenwithfear,Icouldn’tmovewhenhe

grippedmyfacewithhislargehand.Hisfingers
dugintomycheekspainfully,andIstartedto
chokeontheterrorcaughtinmythroat.

Realityclashedwithmemories,andmybrain

struggledtodistinguishbetweenthenowand
thepast.

Icouldn’tmovemypetrifiedstarefromthe

scaronhisface.Theimagehadneverleftmy
nightmaresandseeingitforrealonceagain
calcifiedeverymuscleinmybody.

“Howyou’vegrown,littlegirl.”Hisaccent

bruisedmymind.IneverthoughtIwouldever
hearhisvoiceagain.

Onceagainfatemockedme.
AwhimperwastheonlyresponseIcould

givewhenherantheflatofhistongueupmy
cheek.Heburiedhisnoseinthehairbehindmy
earandinhaleddeeply.

“Yousmellgood.”
Frightmademybreathcatch,andwhenhe

heardmegasp,hechuckleddarkly.“I’mso
pleasedthatyourememberme,Lily.”

Rememberhim?I’dneverfuckingforgethim!

Hisimagewascarvedintothecavernsofmy
mind,cursingmeeverytimeIclosedmyeyes.
Overandoveragain.Itsrefusaltoleavemenot

onlyhauntedmydreamsbuteverywakinghour.

“Didyoumissme?”
Thehandheheldovertheexpanseofmy

throatslowlyventureddown.Downmychest
andthenovermybreastbone.Comingtorest
uponmybreast.

“Please.”ItwastheonlywordthatImanaged

tochokeout.ItwassoquietIwasn’tevensureif
heheardit.Nevertheless,helaughedoncemore.

“Whatexactlyareyoubeggingmefor,little

girl.Huh?”Herearedbacktolookatme.The
leeronhisfacemademybloodruncold.“You
wantmycockinsideyouagain?Huh?Isthat
whatyouwant?”

Iwhimpered,shufflingbackwards.Themetal

wallatmybackprohibitedmyattemptstoput
distancebetweenusandIpushedagainstit,
prayingforittodisintegratebehindme.His
breathwasrank,asputridasIremembered,and
mystomachrevoltedatthestench.

Inthetimeittookmetoblink,hisfoulmouth

crushedmineandhestabbedhistongue
betweenmylips.Bilefloodedmymouth,andI
foughtagainsthim,beatinghimwithmyhands
asItriedtogethimoffme.Buthewastoo
strong.

Hisfistconnectedwithmycheekboneand

painrupturedacrossmyfacewhenIsankmy
teethintohistongue.Thetasteofcopper

explodedonmytastebuds,andIgaggedwhenI
realisedhisbloodcontaminatedmymouth.

Yankingmyheadbackwhenhegrabbeda

handfulofmyhair,hebroughthisfacewithinan
inchofmyown.Theviciousnessinhissnicker
terrifiedme.“Likeitrough,huh?”

Ikickedoutathim,hittingmygoalwithone

swiftstrike.Hekeeledoverwhenmyfootand
thechainsconnectedwithhisstomach.

Itwasstupid,afoolishthingtodo.
Icriedoutwhenhepunchedmeinthe

stomach.Theforceofhisblowfaroutweighed
thestrengthofmine,andmybodydoubledinon
itselfwithagony.Starsexplodedbehindmyeyes
whenhebroughthisfootdownonthesideofmy
head.

“Playnice!”hespat,takinganothersectionof

myhairanddraggingmeoutofthecorner.
“Otherwisethiswillstarttobecomewaymore
fun.”Helaughed.“Formethatis.Notyou!”

Herippedatmyt-shirt,exposingmybreasts.

Thecoldairfeltintrusiveonmyskinand
goosebumpsflourishedwiththefreezing
temperature.

“I’vewatchedyou,youknow,”hemumbledas

hethrewthematerialtoonesideandstaredat
mychest.Helickedhislipsandgrinned.
“Especiallysinceyourbandhitthespotlight.
Thatwasn’tagoodidea.Thatbatedthebeast,

Lily.Hebecameincensedwithrageatthat
move.Sillygirl.”

Ishookmyheadathismumbling.“Idon’t…I

don’tunderstand.”

“Idon’texpectyouto,notreally.That’s

becauseignorancewarpsthetruth.You’ve
alwaysbeenlostinyourownworld,littlegirl.
Youcan’tseewhat’sinfrontofyou.The
undiscoveredpiecesofyourpastthatcould
becomearevelation,ifonlyyoulookedatit.
Properly.Itdoesn’tmatternow,anyway.Doesit.
Itisover.”

Itisover.
“Getoffme!”Iscreamedandstruggledwhen

hetookmyankleanddraggedmetowardshim.
Hetoreatthebuttonsofmyjeansandyanked
themdownmythighs.Iwantedtobestrong,but
hewastoopowerful.Toofearsome.

Helaughedasheflippedmeoverinone

smoothmove.Mycheekslappedtheharsh
concreteandmyforeheadbounceddown
heavily.Inearlypassedout.IwishIhad.

“No!Please.God,no!”Iwouldn’tsurvivethis

again.Mymindwouldfracturebeneathhis
invasion.Ihadbarelyexistedsincethefirsttime
hehadtakenme.Myhearthadstruggledtobeat
afterhehadsnatchedmyinnocenceasagirl.

Now,itwouldn’teverbeatagain.AndI

prayedforthattobethetruth.

Heavingmeup,soIwasonallfours,he

positionedhimselfbehindme.

Igavein.It’sallIcoulddo.Choicesleftme,

andIabandonedthefight.

Thesobthatleftmewasfaintandserene,a

mereexhalationofafragilebreath.Butitwasn’t
weak.ItwassocompellingthatIfeltmysoul
slipfrommybodywithit.Ibecameaghost
withinalivingform.Avoidshroudedina
costumeofflesh,bone,andblood.

Closingmyeyes,Iwilledmymindto

collapse,beggedittoshatterwithinmyhead
andtakemeonajourneyofinsanitysoI
wouldn’tsufferthisalloveragain.

Mybodyhitthefloorinasplitsecond,the

coldconcretebecomingamattressformy
squashedbreastsandstomach.Theweightof
himontopofmeconfusedmyalreadyobscured
mind,andforamomentIdidn’tunderstand.

Bloodpooledacrossthefloorbymyheadand

Istaredatituntilmymindstartedtosplitin
two.

“Lily!”
Wasitmyblood?WasIdead?
Mylungsguzzledoxygenwhentheweight

crushingmedownliftedfromme.

Iwasmoving,pulledintoarmsthatfelttoo

bigaroundmyfrailbody.Hisscenthitmewhen
myfacewaspressedagainstafirmchest.

“Lily!”Scarcelyawhisper,butIheardit.“It’s

okay.It’sokay.I’vegotyou.”

Didhe?Didhehaveme?
Handsheldmyfaceandslowlydirectedmy

headback.

ThestormywatersofHarrison’seyes

drownedunderariverofmytearswhenbelief
securedmysanity.

“Harrison?”Itwasn’tmyownvoice,the

soundthatleftmeforeigntomyownears.

Henoddedbrisklyandbundledmeupagain,

flatteningmetohisbodyasifhewantedto
absorbme.

“You’reokay,”hereiterated.“It’sover,Lily.

It’sover.”

It’sover.
Thelastthoughtthatenteredmydamaged

mindspunonaloopasthedarknesstookmercy
onmeanddraggedmeintoitsdepths.

It’sover.
It.Is.Over.

Twenty-nine

HARRISON

Lilylookedupatme,givingmeagrateful

smilewhenIhandedherthetumblerfullofGrey
Goose.Neat,noice.She’dneedthealcoholto
numbhermind.Thebruisesonherfacehadme
harshlybitingmylip.Iwantedtokillthefucker
alloveragain.Hurthim,slowlyand
excruciatingly.

WhenI’dburstintothatlockupandsawhim

abouttorapeher,themagnitudeofragethat
camedownovermehadmademybrain
tremble.Thesplit-secondittookmetoshootthe
fuckerrightthroughhisfatskullhadbeentoo
quickforhim.Hedeservedaworldofsuffering.
Amagnitudeofpainandmisery.

“Allclear,Lily?”IaskedsoftlyasIsettledon

thebedbesideherandrestedbackontothe
headboard.

“Aye,aye,Cap’n,”sheansweredinawhisper

assheliftedherlegsandtuckedthemunderher.
Leaningtowardsme,sherestedherheadonmy
shoulder,andIslippedanarmaroundher,
pullinghercloser.Protectingherfromthe
ghosts.

LilyCooperwasonetoughcookie.Shewas

strongenoughtogetoverit,althoughshedidn’t
knowthatherselfyet.

Everyone,includingtheDutchpolice,had

finallyleftandthesilencethatdescendedwasa
welcomerelief.Lilyhadwantedtogobackto
herownhotelroom,butIhadrefusedher.The
nightmaresthatwouldplagueheroncesleep
finallypulledherunderwouldbecrippling,and
Iwastobetheonlyonewhowouldcomforther.
Ineededtoexperiencehernightmareswithher.
Iwasn’tsurewhy,butIneededthemtobemy
burdentoo.

“Isitover?”
Herquietvoicemademyheartclench,the

fearinthosethreesmallwordsasloudasthe
roaringinmychest.

“Yes,”Ianswered.“Yes,itis.”
Shenoddedandtookalargegulpofher

drink.

Butitwasfarfromoverforme,notthatI

wouldletLilyknowthat.TheBratvawouldn’t
takethedeathofoneoftheirownsoeasily.They
wouldretaliate.Alifeforalife.Itwashowit
worked.

Pushingawaythethoughts,Iknockedbacka

mouthfulofwhisky.“You’recold.Doyouwanta
blanket?”

Sheshookherhead.Herhairtickledmyneck,

bringingmeamuch-neededsmile.“Nah.”

Buryingherselfclosertome,Irubbedmy

handupanddownherarm,tryingtodispelthe
chill.

“You’reonebravegirl.Doyouknowthat?”
Hersighwaslongandloud.“AmI?Idon’tfeel

it,Harry.”Forsomestrangereason,thefactthat
she’dshortenedmynamemademychestpurr.
Fuck.Ineededtogrowapair!“Igavein.Doyou
knowthat?”

Tippingherheadbackwithafingerunder

herchin,Ibroughthergazetomine.“Wealldo
whatweneedtodotosurvive,babe.Youdidn’t
givein,youcoped.Yourminddidwhatitneeded
tosurvivewhatitthoughtwascoming.”

Hereyeswatered,andshegulpedhard.“I’m

notsure.Iwon’tallowthememoryyet,but…
but,didhe…manageto…?”

Claspingholdofhercheekswithbothhands,

Iforcedhertolookatthesincerityinmyeyes.
“No.No!Hewasdownbefore.Imadesureof
that.Iwouldn’tallowhimtohurtyouthatway
again,Lily.”

Afattearrolledoverhercheekwhenshe

noddedhard,herheadbobbingupanddown.
Shescrewedupherfaceandburiedintothe
crookofmyneck.And,then,sheletgo.

Hersobswereloud,mighty,andtherapeutic.

Sheclungtome,herlittlefingersdigginginto
myfleshasthoughmybodycouldhelpher
escapethehorrorshe’dbeenthrough.Igaveher
everythingIcouldrightthen.Igavehercomfort.
Igavehermysoul.Itwasthecrutchsheneeded

toholdherup.

“It’sover,Lily.It’sover.Youcanbreathe

again.”

“It’sover,”sherepeated,asthoughsayingthe

wordsoutloudmadeherbelieveit.

Hertearsstopped.Herbreathinglevelledout.

Andsleeptuggedherintoitsshatteringdepths.

***

HerscreamwassoloudthatIboltedupright,

alarmleavingmestunnedforabriefmoment.
Lily’sskinwassoclammythatIhadtopeelher
offme.

“Lily!”
Shakingherwhenshescreamedoutagain,

shefinallysnappedawake.Herwide,terrified
eyesgawkedatmebeforerealityhither.

“Justadream,sweetheart.It’snotreal.He’s

dead.”

Shenodded,gulpingatairasshefoughtto

settleherheartrate.“He’sdead.He’sdead.”

“He’sdead,”Iechoed,confirmingittoher.
Blowingoutalongbreath,shesatupand

rubbedhereyes.Shewincedatthepainwhen
herknuckleskneadedthebruising.“Howlong
haveIbeenasleep?”

“Notlong.Afewhours,that’sall.”
Shenoddedandturnedtome.“Iwanttogo

home,Harrison.”

“Ihaveusflightsbookedtomorrow.You’re

goinghome.”

“Home.”Hereyessaddenedforamoment

beforeshesaid,“Isupposethisisitthen.You
don’tneedtoprotectmeanymore.”

BitingbackwhatIreallywantedtosay,I

nodded.“Yeah.”

Lookingdown,sherubbedherwrist.“I’m

sorryIlostyourbangle.Ican’treturnittoyou
now.”

“Ialreadyhaveit.Wefoundit.Icanonly

presumePadraicthrewitoutofthewindow
whenhetookyou.”Ireachedoverandopened
thedrawerinthesmallbedsidecabinet.
Handingittoher,Ismiled.“It’syours.”

Herbrowsdippedasshefrowned.“Why

wouldyougiveittome?Ithoughtitwouldbe
usedforyournextclient.”

“Itwasmadeforyou,Lily.Nooneelse.”I

knewhowmuchshelikedthebracelet.Iwanted
togivehersomuch,butintheend,asmallpiece
ofjewellerywouldbeallIcouldoffer.Apartof
medelightedinthethoughtthatLilywould
alwaysthinkofmewhenshelookedatit.And,
ondarkerreflection,IrealisedIwouldalways
knowwhereshewas.Didthatmakemea
stalker?Ofcourseitfuckingdid!

ShewatchedasIsliditaroundherwristand

snappedtheclaspshut.Thetouchofherskin
sentshiversthroughmyfingers,andIfoundI
couldn’tletgo.HerhandshookwhenIslowly
ranmythumbupthebackofherhand.

“Harry?”Herbreathingbecameshaky,and,

althoughIwaslookingatherhand,Iknewthat
shewaslickingherlips.

Littlebylittle,Itrailedthebackofmyfingers

upthelengthofherarm,overhershoulderand
alonghercollarbone,andupthecentreofher
throat,comingtorestonherdamplips.

“I’mgoingtomissyou,LilyCooper.”
Hereyesmistedoverandsoftlysheplaceda

delicatekissonmyfingers.“Andyou,Harrison
Cole.”

BitingbackeverythingIwantedtosayand

do,Imademyselfmoveaway.But,whenI
shifted,Lilygrabbedmywristandstoppedme.

“Harry.”Therewassomuchemotioninthe

wayshesaidmynamethatalumpformedinthe
middleofmythroat.

“Allclear,Lily?”
Forthefirsttime,myquestionhadadifferent

response.Sheshookherheadandswallowed
deeply.“I,uhh,Ineedtoaskonelastfavourfrom
you.”

“Anything,”IwhisperedasIslippedanunruly

strandofherlonghairbehindherear.

Sheremainedfrozenforamoment,

deliberatingoverwhatsheneededtoaskofme.
Lookingaway,hercheeksflamed,causingmeto
frown.

“Lily?”
Gulping,shestraightenedhershouldersand

lookedatme.“Wouldyou…”anotherpause,
“Wouldyou…havesexwithme?”Thewords
tumbledfromherasifshe’dpropelledthemup
herthroatandspatthematme.Firepaintedher
faceasshecautiouslystaredstraightatme.

Thelumpinmythroatwasforcedoutina

chokedbreath,andIstumbledforamoment.
“What?”

Wringingherhandstogetherwithnerves,she

chewedonherlipbeforesaying,“I…I’venever,
youknow,doneit.Evenafterwhathappenedto
meIstillseemyselfasavirgin.I’mtwenty
bloodytwoforChrist’ssake,andI’veneverhad
sex.NotlikeI’veeverreallywantedtodoitwith
anyoneanyway.I’mnotsureI’llevenlikeit,
Harry,youknow.And,Imean,comeon,who’d
wantthisdamagedbitch?I’veallongetting
wordsoutnevermind…And,Imean,Itrustyou,
wholly.Ijustthink…”

Ihaltedherramblingwithtwofingerstoher

lips.Silencecoiledaroundus,theonlysoundin
myearstheheavypulsingbeatofmyheart.

Thiswassodangerous.Sofuckingdangerous.
God,IwantedLilyCoopermorethanI’dever

wantedanyonebefore.I’dneverneededthis
kindofconnectionbefore,andasmuchasI
wantedtoactonit,IknewIcouldnevergiveher
anythingmore.

Thatdidn’tmeanIwasstrongenoughto

rebukeherthough.Iwassoweakinsomany
ways.IknewI’dneverbeabletowalkaway
fromthewayshewaslookingatmerightthen.
Theheatinhereyesandthehopeinhergazeas
itlingeredonmewasmoreseductivethanthe
feelofanysilkorlacethatcouldsheathher
body.

Takingherchininmyfingers,Iforcedherto

lookatme,reallylookatme.“IfIcouldgiveyou
theworld,Lily,thenIwould.I’dlovenothing
morethantostealthedarknessfrominsideyou
andthrowitintotheether.Bestowonyou
happinessthatwouldlastalifetime.IfIcould
grantyouathousandlaughsandsmiles,thenI
wouldleavehereahappyman.ButIcan’tgive
youanyofthose.”

Shegrimaced,butIpinchedherchintighter.
“ButIcangiveyouthis.”
HereyeswidenedwhenIslippedmythumb

intohermouth.Shelookedlikeadeercaughtin
theheadlights,andIsmiledsoftly.“Suckit.”

Foramomentshewasstruckdumb,but,

finally,shestartedtosoftlysuckonmythumb.
Hertonguetwisted,andshesuckedharder.

Salivacoatedmyskinandslippingitout
betweenherlipsIsmeareditoverherchinand
downthecentreofherthroat.

HerbreathcaughtwhenItracedtheoutline

ofhernipplethroughthethincottonofhert-
shirt.Itpebbledformeinstantly.Fuck,ifshe
wasalreadythisresponsiveonlyChristknew
whatshe’dbelikewhenshesankdownthe
lengthofmycock.

“Youarenotadamagedbitch,”Iwhispered

whenIleanedintothecrookofherneckandran
mytongueuptoherear.“You’rebeautiful.Sexy.
You’restrong,LilyCooper.Soverystrong.”

Shenoddedjerkily.“Uh-huh.”
“Yes!”Ifortified,pinchinghernippleharshly.

“Sayit.”

Icouldn’thelpbutsmilewhenIfeltthe

tremblebegininherlegsandworkitsway
throughherwholebody.

“Saywhat?”shemumbledassheslidher

handsontomyheadandgraspedatmyhair.

“Whatareyou?”
“Umm,”shegulped.“I’mstrong.”
“Goodgirl.”
Praisinghergoodbehaviour,Imovedmy

handfromherbreastandslippeditbetweenher
thighs.ShegaspedfaintlywhenIstartedrubbing
throughthedenimofherjeans.Hereyesslid
closedandshebegantorockonmyhand.Little

gaspsofairleftherwhenshestartedbreathing
heavier.

“Oh,God.”
Iwatchedherface,thegratificationexhibited

soopenlyinthewayherlipsparted,andshe
moanedloudlywhenthefirstofthemany
orgasmsIwasabouttogiveherwashedover
her.KnowingIwasthefirstmantopleasureher
properlymademycockswellandIbitmylip,
urgingittocalmthehelldown.

ShesquealedwhenIcaughtheranklesand

yankedherdownthebeduntilshewaslaidflat.
ShewatchedasIpoppedthebuttonofherjeans
andpulledthemoffher.

HerlegsweretonedbutpaleandIhadto

wonderifthey’deverseenthesun.Shehidthe
scarssheadornedherthighswithfrom
everyone,andthatsaddenedmesoverymuch.

“Harry?”
ShelookeddownatmewhenIstartedto

voyageupthelengthofherwithmylips,
plantingkissesovereveryinchuntilIreached
theplacemytonguewantedtoexplore.

“Harry?”Sheappearedalarmedandplaced

herhandsoverherself,coveringherpussy.

Glaringather,Itookherhandsandmoved

themaside.“You’rebeautiful,Lily.Evenhere.
Especiallyhere!”

Thesmallscrapofmaterialthatconcealed

hertoreeasilyinmyfingerswhenItuggedat
them.

“Holyshit!”ShecriedoutwhenIburiedmy

facebetweenherlegsanddevouredher
greedily.Herfingersgrabbedmyhairandher
backarched.“Fuck!”

Ipleasuredheroverandover,eagerlytaking

allthatshegaveme.Herbodybuckedwhenthe
thirdorgasmracedthroughherbonesandshe
halfsobbed-halflaughed.Pushingmymouth
awayfromherwhenshecouldn’ttakeanymore,
shescowleddownatme.“Areyoutryingtokill
me?”

“Slowly.Very,veryslowly,”Ianswered,

kissingmywayacrossherbruisedribsandupto
herbreasts.Pushinghert-shirtupandoutofthe
wayIfeastedonherplumpnipples,torturing
herwithlong,slowsucksandquicklittleflicks
ofmytongue.

“Harry!”Ididn’tthinkI’devergrowtiredof

listeningtomyname,drenchedwithsomuch
emotion,fallfromherbreath.Butweonlyhad
thismoment,andalthoughIwouldneverhear
heragain,IknewIwouldalwaysrememberthe
echoofhergravellyvoicefortherestofmy
days.

Shepulledhert-shirtoverherhead,andI

lazilyappraisedhercurvesasIshuffledoutof
myjeansandstrippednaked.Shestudiedme,

hereyesslowlysurveyingeveryinchofme.
Whenhergazefellonmycock,shesatup.
Tentatively,shereachedoutandsmoothly
strokedthebackofherfingernailsdownthe
lengthofmyshaft.

Iwasallforrough,hardsex;theharder,the

betterforme.ButthewayLilytimidly
discoveredwhatwouldsoonbeburieddeep
insideherhadmybreathcominginshort,sharp
bursts.

Mythighstrembledwhenhermouth

replacedherfingers,andshelickedaroundthe
tipwithonedeliciousswirlofhertongue.My
ballsclenchedasIfoughtnottocomeinsideher
mouth.Thegirlhadnogagreflex,takingthe
wholelengthofmedownherthroatbeforeshe
slowlydrewbackup.

Tosayshewassoshy,shewasravenous,

suckingandlickinguntilIhadtodirecther
mouthawaybeforeIcame.

Grabbingacondom,shewatchedasIrolledit

down.

“Allclear?”Iasked,makingsurethiswas

whatshewanted.

Shenodded,staringmedirectlyintheeye.

“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

Liftingherontomylap,Ipositionedmyself

againstherandclenchedmyjawwhenshe
slowlyloweredherselfontome.

Herbrowcreasedasifshewasinpain.“Oh.”
“Youokay?”
Shenodded,herteethburiedinherlipand

obstructinganyvocalreply.

JesusfuckingChrist.Shewassotight.Iwasn’t

sureIcouldcopewithherslow,gentlemoves.
Grippingherhips,Iencouragedhertoquicken,
andsheacceptedmyunspokendemand
perfectly.

Hertitsbouncedthemoresherodeme,and

unabletoresist,Isatupandtookanipple
betweenmyteeth.Almostinstantlyherpussy
clenchedaroundmeandshecamehard.Her
cumdrippeddownmycock,coatingmyballsas
shefuckedmeharder.

“Nowit’smyturn,”Igrowledthrough

clenchedteethasIforcedmyselfdeepinsideher
andcamewithanearth-shatteringintensity.

Shestoppedmovingandburiedherfacein

mychest,pantingheavily.“Bloodyhell!”

Ichuckledandtiltedherheadback.“So?”
Shefrownedandshookherhead,confusedby

myquestion.“So,what?”

“Didyoulikeit?”
Shegrinned,herbeautifulsmileevaporating

theheavinessinmyheartthathaddescended
whenIwonderedhowthehellIwassupposed
towalkawayfromhernow.“Ithinkweboth
knowtheanswertothat.”

“Yeah,”Iansweredwithasmileaslargeas

hers.Except,whensheliftedoffme,diverting
hereyesawayfrommine,andsaid,“Thankyou,”
mysmileturnedtoacringe.Thankyou?What
thefuck?

Asifembarrassedshepulledonherclothes

withaspeedthatleftmestunned.

“Thankyouagain,Harrison.I’ll,uhh,I’llsee

youattheairporttomorrow.”

Iwasleftopen-mouthedwhenthedoor

closedbehindherwithaslam.I’dnoteven
removedthedamncondombeforeshe’d
removedherselffrommylife.

And,shit,Ididn’tlikehowthatmademefeel.

Thirty

LILY

“Doyoueverthinkaboutfindingyourbirth

parents?”Becaskedmeasshetookasipofher
latte.

Ilookedaroundthesmallcafé.Itwasquiet,

thethicklayerofsnowthathadblanketedthe
cityduringthenightkeepingthefrequentcoffee
drinkersaway.“Sometimes,”Ianswered
honestly.“ButIdon’tthinkit’sagoodidea.And
I’msureitwouldhurtMumandDad.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”Kitqueried.
“Well,they’remyparents.Theyalwayshave

beenandalwayswillbe.Ijustthinkitwould
worrythem.They’vebeenthroughenoughwith
myshit,andhopefully,nowtheycansitbackand
stopworrying.There’snopointcreatingdrama
whenthereisnoneedforit.”

“Iwouldn’texactlycallitdrama,Lil.”Hayley

shrugged,andwhenshelookedatmewith
concerninhereyes,Ismiled,showingIwas
okay.Icouldn’texpectthemtounderstandmy
feelings,buttheytookmyopinion.

“So,youreadyforthisweekend?”Kitasked,

bringingthesubjectaroundtotheupcoming
Quantumgig.

Noddingeagerly,Igrinned.“Somuch.It

seemsagessinceweperformed.Ineedthe
adrenalinethatcomeswithit.Thatorastickof

dynamiteupmyarse.Don’tknowwhat’supwith
melately,butI’mjustexhausted.”

“You’vehadaloton,Lil,”Becexpressedwith

asmile.Wewerebacktooureasyfriendship
aftersheapologisedandhuggedmetonear
deathexperience.“AndIknowthatsomethingis
botheringyou,butuntilyouopenuptoyour
besties,thenwecan’thelpyou.”

Iswallowedbacktheachethatcamewith

herwords.SixdayssinceIhadlastseen
Harrison,andIhatedhowmuchImissedhim.I
didn’twanttomisshim.IhadthoughtI’dbeable
tohavesexwithhim,getitoutofmysystemand
thenleaveitthere.Nosuchbloodyluck.The
emotionthathadcomeovermeafterwardshad
neardestroyedme.Icouldn’tallowhimtosee
howmuchI’dfallenforhim,andwhenIhadfelt
thethreatoftears,Iuppedandlefthim.

Igroanedinwardly,rememberingtheway

he’djuststaredatmewhenI’dhurriedlyyanked
onmyclothesandleftlikemyarsewasonfire.
Hehadn’tevencaughtthesameplaneasme
backthenextday.Liamhadnotifiedmethat
Harrisonhadalreadytakenonanewcontract
andhadflownbacktoEnglandinthenight.

Bitingthebullet,Ilookedatmyfriendsand

grimaced.“I,well,IkindasleptwithHarrison.”

Threepairsofeyeswidenedonme;itwas

amusingtolookattheirshockedfaces.

“Well,fuckme!”Becexclaimedwiththe

widestgrinIhadeverseen.“Goodgirl!”

IhuffedloudlywhenBec,HayleyandKitall

high-fivedeachother.“Growup,”Imumbled,
butcouldn’tholdbackthegrineither.

“Well?”Kitasked,scuttlingherchaircloserto

mine.

“Wellwhat?”
“Well,youdumbbroad,wasitgood?”
Mygrinstretchedwider.“Amazing!”
BecsquealedandIsworeIsawatear

glisteningonhereyelashes.“So,areyoutwoa
thingnow?”

Theachewasback.Notmeetingtheirgazes,I

tookasipofmyraspberryteaandshookmy
head.“No.Itwasjustsex,Bec.”

Silencedescended,andIconcentratedon

everyswallowoftea.Thehotliquiddidnothing
towarmthechillthathaddevelopedinsideme
sinceHarrisonhadwalkedoutofmylife.Iknew
hecouldn’toffermeanything,Iwasn’tfoolish.I
justhadtolearntoletgonow.However,words
werealwayseasierthanactions.

“So,youhaven’tseenhimsince?”Hayley

asked.

“No.LikeIsaid,itwasjustsex.Ijustneeded

tofindoutwhatIwasmissing,andItrust
Harrison.Ijustlookatitasanotherservicehe
offeredme.”

Kitspatoutthemouthfulofcoffeeshe’djust

gulpedat.“Bloodyhell,youmakehimsoundlike
agigolo.”

“Hegotpaidenough,”Iutteredbitterly.

“Anyway,I’vegottogo.Ihaveaninterviewwith
theguysforamorningTVprogram.”

“Oh,toberichandfamous,”Hayleysaidwhen

Ireacheddowntogiveherahug.

“Hey,it’snotallmoneyandmusic,hun.

Bloodygruelling,especiallywithmefeelinga
littlerundown.”

“Ifyoudon’tstarttofeelbettersoon,get

yourselftothedocs,”Becinsisted.Shescowled
whenIrolledmyeyesandhuggedher.

“Yes,Mum.”
“Loveya’,hun,”Kitsaidasshekissedme

goodbye.

Slidingintomycoat,Ipickedupmybagand

headedforthedoor.Reachingintomypocket,I
pulledoutmygloveswithonehandasIwentto
openthedoorwiththeother.Myheartjumped
whenthedooropenedbeforeme,andHarrison
stumbledtoastopinfrontofme.

“Lily.”
Hearingmynameinhisroughvoicemademy

bellyflip-floponceagain.Foralongmoment,I
couldonlystandandgawpinstunnedsilenceas
Idrankinhishandsomefeatures.Forcingmy
mouthtomove,Isuddenlydevelopedaspeech

impedimentandstutteredouthisname.
“Harr...rrison.”Coughingtohidemy
embarrassment,Iforcedasmile.“Harrison.
Goodtoseeyou.Howareyou?Youokay?How
funnythatwefrequentthesamecoffeehouse.I
hearyou’vegotanewclient…”

MyawkwardramblingfinallyhaltedwhenI

sawHarrison’sdaughterstaringupatmewith
wideeyes.

“Hello,Philly.”
MyheartswelledinsidemychestwhenIsaw

themirrorimageofHarrison’ssmilelooking
backatmefromherprettyface.

Itwasclearshewasalittlestar-struck,andI

smiledback.“Imustsayyoulookmuchbetter
thanthelasttimeIsawyou.Areyoufeeling
betternow?”

Herbrowspulledtogetherasthoughshewas

concentratinghardonmyface,butleavingmy
questionunanswered,shelookedupat
Harrison.

Theswellinmyheartbecamepainfulwhen

hishandsstartedmoving,andhespoketohis
daughterinsignlanguage.PhillipaColewas
deaf.

“Lilyaskedifyou’refeelingbetter,”Harrison

mouthedslowlyashishandssimultaneously
spokethesamewords.

PinchingPhilly’schin,Iturnedhertofaceme.

Crouchingbeforeher,Iallowedmyhandstotalk
forme.“It’slovelytofinallymeetyou,littlelady.
AndIhavetosay,I’malittleinlovewith
Trotters,”Isigned.

Themostincrediblebeamcoveredherface.

“Daddykeepsthreateningtomakebacon
sandwicheswithTrotterswhenI’vebeen
naughty,”shesignedback.

IscowledplayfullyupatHarrisonwhowas

staringatmeinastonishment,andthenIfaced
Phillyonceagain.“Thenwe’llmakerugsforthe
fireplaceoutofyourdaddybecausehe’sa
grumpybear.”

Shenoddedandgiggled.
“Yourdaddytellsmeyou’reaQuantumRock

fan.”Herheadbobbedupanddowneagerly.
“Well,we’reperformingthisweekendatthe
arena.Ifit’sokaywithyourmummyanddaddy,I
wouldloveitifyoucouldcome.”

Excitementbeamedbackatmeandshe

lookedhopefullyupatHarrison.

Hesmiledandpinchedhercheek.“Sure.”
“Thankyou.Thankyou,”Phillysignedrapidly

tome.

“Mypleasure,littlelady.”
Takingmyhandinhers,shedrewalove

heartovermypalm.Icopiedhersweetgesture
withareplicateheartonherpalm.

“Thankyou,”Harrisonsaidwithasoftsmile.

Hisgazeonmewasjustastender,andmychest
ached.Iwantedtoreachoutandtouchhissmile,
feelhislipsonmyfingers.Instead,Iforced
myselftonod.

“Noproblem.Ifyoubringhertotherear

entrance,shecanwatchfrombackstage.It’s
saferthere,andtheguyswilljustloveher.”

“We’llseeyouthen,Lily.Andthankyou

again,notjustfortheinvitationbutformaking
Philly’sday.Especiallysigningwithher.She
lovestojustwatchyourbandperformontheTV.
Shesaysshefeelsyourmusicinhersoul,evenif
shecan’thearit.IfI’mhonest,Ithinkshe’sa
littleinaweofyou.”

Icouldn’tmove.MyheartachedforPhilly,

andrightatthatmoment,Iwishedfornothing
morethantoallowalittledeafgirlthejoyof
hearingthebeatinherearsandnotjusthersoul.

Harrisongazedatme,morethanawareofthe

sadnessthattightenedmychest.Iwantedto
stareintohiseyesforever.Ialwaysgotlostin
theswirlofblue,thedemonsinsidemepreening
theirselvesinhisgaze.Visionsofourbodies
lockedtogetherassaultedme,andIbitmylip,
myquickeningheartbeatmakingmeslightly
dizzy.

“Allclear,Lily?”Harrisonwhisperedashe

tuckedastrandofmyhairbehindmyear.

Thebreathmylungsexpelledcameoutasa

longsigh,andInoddedjerkily.“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

Givingmehimonelastsmile,Icompelledmy

legstomoveandcarrymeawayfromhim.

Again.

Thirty-one

HARRISON

Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffher.LilyCooper

cametolifeonthestage;thebeattohermusic
becamethebeatinherchest,andshewentfrom
merelyexistingtobeingsotremendouslyalive.

Shewasstunning,incrediblyso,andasI

watchedwithPhillyfromtheedgeoftheset,I
realisedIhadfallensomuchdeeperthanI’d
thoughtpossible.

I’dmissedhersomuchandthepastninedays

hadconsistedofjusttakinganotherbreath.Each
daybecamedarkerwithoutherquirkiness,her
smile,herlaughter,andthebanterwehad
shared.Shewasatinyrockchickwithan
enormousheart.IfLilygaveyouevena
fragmentofherheart,itwouldbeagifttobe
cherished;theloveshehadofeveryoneinher
circlewasproofofthat.ButIknewIwould
shattereventhetiniestmorselshecouldoffer
me.

Phillyjumpedupanddownbesidemewhen

Lilyledhergroupintotheirhitsong,Takeitto
thewire.Sheknewthewordsatheart,andI
watchedinaweasshestartedsigningevery
wordinrhythmwiththesong.Thenumberof
timesI’dcaughtherwatchingQuantumRock’s
videosonline,thelyricsscrollingupthescreen
assheconcentratedoneverystrikeonthedrum,

everystrumoftheguitar,andthepassioninthe
wayLilybeltedouteverysinglenote.Philly
knewwhichQuantumsongswereballadsand
whichwereheaviertracks,evenwhenthe
tempochangedmid-section.

IthoughtbacktothetimeI’dwalkedintomy

studyandI’dfoundherdancing.Adeafgirl
dancing.Everysingleoneofhermoveshadbeen
intimewiththemusic,everytapofherfoot
coordinatedperfectlywiththebeat.Ihadstood
secretlywatchingherletgoandfindthethrill
thatsomanyofustakeforgranted,andIhad
cried.NotbecausePhillyhadlostsomuch,or
thatlifeowedherconsiderably,butthatshehad
suchdeterminationtohurdleeveryobstacleshe
cameupagainst.Evenmusic.JustbecausePhilly
couldn’thearmusicdidn’tmeanshecouldnever
enjoyit.AndIthankedGodeverydayforgiving
meastrong,determined,inspiringperson.I
knewIdidn’tdeserveher,thatwasforsure.But
she’dplantedherselfslapbanginthemiddleof
myheart,andifIonlyfeltmydaughterslovefor
therestofmylife,itwouldbeenough.

Quantumperformedtheirlasthit,andthe

groupallpiledoff-stage.Lilystartedwalking
towardsPhillyandme,butafiguresteppedin
betweenusjustbeforeshereachedus.The
growlinmychestleftmymouthloudly.Mark

Denver.

Lilylookedsurprisedtoseehimbutsmiled

widely.“Hello,Mark.Ididn’trealiseyouwere
heretonight.”

“Iknowthesecurityguyyouhaveattherear

door,soheletmein.Hopeyoudon’tmind.”

Theenormousgrinshegavehimanswered

hisquestionandmyguttwisted.“Ofcoursenot.
It’sgoodtoseeyou.”

“Yourockedupthere!”hestated,flashingher

hissmarmysmile.Iftherehadbeenabucketto
thesideofme,I’dhaverockedupmygutsintoit.

“Thankyou.Ifyou’llexcuseme,there’salittle

someonewaitingforme.”

Asshetriedtosidestephim,hehaltedher

withasoftholdonherarm.Fromthecornerof
myeye,IcouldseeKnighttakeastepforwards.
IthurtalittletoknowthatLily’sprotectionwas
nowtakencareofbyherfriendandnolonger
myresponsibility.

“Ijustwondered,”Markspokeloudly,making

sureweallheardhim.“Nowthatallthatshitis
overifyoufanciedthatdateyoupromisedme?”

EverygazeinthearealockedontoLily,allof

uswonderingifshewouldacceptornot.She
lookedalittletornforamoment,hereyes
flickingtome,buteventually,shesmiledand
nodded.“Whynot!”

Ihadtobitemyliptostopanothergrowl

rippingthroughthesilencethathaddescended.
Lookingtoeachofherfriends,theirsmilestold
methatLily’sacceptancewasagoodthing.My
opinionwasvastlydifferenttotheirs.Butwhy
shouldn’tshebehappy?Icouldn’tgiveher
anything.Yet,Ifoundthethoughtofsomeone
elsehavingherhardtoo.Iwasdoomed.

“Saycheese!”Aphotographerjumpedfrom

outofnowhere,andLilylaughedatmewhenI
flungmyselfinfrontofher.

“Calmdown,Harry.She’sjustfromthe

magazinewhoisdoingapieceonQuantum.”

Ireluctantlymovedaside,myglarestill

turnedonthestupidbitchwiththecamera.

Markside-huddledLily,hisnauseousgrin

towardsthecamera,andIhadtochokebackthe
needtoknockhimthefuckout.

“Great,I’llcallyoutonighttosetsomething

up,”heinformedLilybeforeheturned.The
smugsmirkwhenhelookedatmehadmyhands
clenchingintotightfists.Motherfucker!Ittook
allthatIhadnottotearhimanewarsehole,and
itwasonlybecauseIhadPhillybymysidethatI
didn’t.

LilyscoopedPhillyupwhensherantoher

andhuggedhertoher.Itwasendearingtosee
thembothsoaffectionatewitheachother.When
LilyhadstartedsigningtoPhillyinthecafé,I
hadallonnotdroppingtomykneesandbowing

downtoheringratitude,andmaybeitwasonly
becauseIwasstoodintheopendoorwayandit
wassnowingoutsidethatIdidn’t.

“Timetoparty!”Tapexclaimed,jumpingup

anddown.Theadrenalinethatmustsurge
throughtheirveinswiththehighofa
performancemustbeincredible.I’donlyever
experiencedsomethingsimilaronce,andcasting
aglanceatLily,thememoryofmyballs
shatteringwhenIhadcomeinsidehermademe
stifleagroan.

Anhourlater,Lilywasbusyintroducing

Phillytoallthecrew.Istoodatthebarwatching
them,theeaseoftheirnewrelationship
comforting.

“She’sprettyspecial,huh?”
Ihadn’tnoticedRebecca,Lily’sfriend,join

me,butIsmiled.“Sheis.”

“IamtalkingaboutLily,youknow.”
“SoamI,”Irepliedwithatiltofaneyebrow.
Shenoddedslowlyandthensighed.“Justso

youknow,”shespokecalmly,smilingatthe
barmanwhenhehandedherabeer.“I’llkillyou
ifyouhurther.Iknowyou’respecialforces,
Sherlock,butyouhavenoideatheviolenceofa
bestfriendwhensomeonehurtsoneoftheir
own.”

“Iunderstandyourconcern,Bec.Butyou

don’thavetoworry,thereisnothingbetween
Lilyandme.”

Sheslidoffherstoolandlookedmestraight

intheeyes.“Isn’tthere?”

Ibitthetipofmytongueassheslowly

walkedaway,makingherwayovertowhere
PhillywassatstrummingadrumwithCage.It
wasinspiringhowmuchPhillywasinbeatwith
LilyasshesangherapersonalserenadeofOnly
foolscry,anotherofQuantum’stoptenhits.The
softhumofLily’svoicehadtheentireroom
silentastheywatchedbothherandPhilly,butit
washowLilysignedeverysinglewordtoPhilly
thatmadethebeatofmyheartstill.

Themomentwassoremarkablethatevery

singlepersoninthelargeroomhadstoppedto
watchandlisten.

“DidyouknowLilyvisitsahostelforyoung

deafchildreneveryweekwithoutfail?”

IturnedtoEveCooperwhohadcometo

standbesideme.Hergazewasfixedonher
daughter,alookofimmenseprideinhereyes.

WhenIdidn’treply,shecontinued.“When

shewasseven,Lilymadefriendswithayoung
boyattheparkoneday.TurnsoutBarrywas
deaffromaboutofmeningitis.”

“ThesameasPhilly,”Iconfided.Althoughwe

weretalkingquietly,ourattentionwasstillon
thebeautifulsceneacrosstheroom.

Evenodded.“Thatdidn’tdeterLily.Shetold

methatveryafternoonaftershehadseen
Barry’smothersigningwithhimthatshe
wantedtolearntosignsoshecouldtalktohim
becauseshethoughthewas‘ultra-cool’.”

IsmiledandfixedmystareonLily.
“Barryhungoutatthehosteleveryweek,and

Lilystartedgoingwithhim.That’swhereshe
learnttosign.”

“Ihaven’tseenBarry,”Istated,thinkingback

towhenI’dhadtodelveintoallofLily’sfriends.

Evesighedsadly.“Barrydiedofleukaemiaat

theageofeleven.”

Iclosedmyeyes.“PoorLily.”
Evenodded.“Shewasdevastatedwhenhe

died,butthat’swhenshestartedreadingtoall
thechildrenatthehostel,fluentlysigningthem
eachstory.Shemissedhimsomuch.She’s
articulateinsignlanguagebecauseshemadeit
hermissiontobecomefriendswithBarry.”

Iturnedtolookather,butshekeptherfocus

onLily.

“Andthenshestartedsigningandsingingto

allthekids.Shetaughtthemthejoyofmusic
eventhoughtheycouldneverhearherbeautiful
voice.”Finally,sheturnedtolookatme.“Ittakes
alotforLilytoallowsomeoneapieceofher
heart.She’sscaredofbeinghurtsomuch,of
losingsomethingorsomeoneshecherishes.She

allowedBarrytogetintoherheart,andthat
shatteredwhenhedied.”

Itookabreath,waitingforhertofinish.
“Hersoulisfragile,Harrison.”Hereyes

cloudedoverwithafierceness.“Butasdelicate
asthatspiritinsideheris,it’salsostaggeringly
beautiful.AndifLilyshowsyouhersoulthen
that’saverypreciousgift,andextremelyrare.”

“Whatareyoutryingtosay,Eve?”
Sheheldmewithahardstare.“Oh,Ithink

youknowexactlywhatI’msaying,Harrison.”

Withthat,shesaidnomoreandleftmestood

aloneasshejoinedthethrongofpeoplestill
singingtomydaughter.

Philly’sgazehuntedforme,andspottingme,

shewavedeagerly,thehugebeamonherface
makingmyheartswell.Unabletocontrolmy
eyes,theymovedtoLily.Shewasstoodlooking
atmewithamellowlook,andwhenhereyes
metmine,herrosylipsliftedintoasoftsmile.

“Thankyouforthis,”Isigned.“Itmeansalot

toPhilly…andme.”

Hersmilegrew,andshenodded.“You’re

welcome.She’sagreatkid,”shesignedinreturn.

Takingthebullbythehorns,Imovedmy

handsquickly.“Coffeeshop.Tomorrowat
twelve.”

Sheseemedsurprisedbutswiftlyreplied,

“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

Irespondedtohercorrectanswerwitha

broadsmile.Shechuckled,thelightdancingin
hereyesturningherfrombeautifultoabsolutely
stunning.

Iwasn’tevensureIwasdoingtherightthing,

andIguessedonlytimewouldtell.Ijustprayed
thatIdidn’truintheonlygoodthingthathad
comealonginaverylongtime.

Thirty-two

LILY

Harrisonstoodfromwherehesatacorner

tablewhenIenteredthecoffeehouse.

“Hey,”hewhisperedinmyearasheleanedin

toplantakissonmycheek.Takingmycoatfrom
me,heplaceditonthebackofmychairbefore
pullingitoutforme.Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.

“Why,thankyou,kindsir.”
Hesmirkedatmeashetuckedmeunderthe

tablewithaneasethattoldmehe’ddonethis
plentyoftimes.“Iwentaheadandordered,”he
informedme.

MysmilegrewwiderwhenIspottedthe

raspberryteaandlemonmuffinwaitingforme.
“Thankyou.”

Henoddedandsatopposite.“Phillywasfull

ofityesterday.Thankyousomuchforwhatyou
didforher.”

“She’sagreatkid,Harry.Everyonelovedher.

Youshouldbeproud.”

“Iam.AlthoughIhavetogivemostofthe

credittoTammy.She’sawonderfulmum.”

“Iwaswondering,”Ismileduneasily,

wonderingwhathe’dthinkofmyidea.“Ireadto
afewdeafkids…”

“Iknow,”hecutin,surprisingme.
“Youknow?”
Takingasipofhiscoffee,heregardedme

overtherimofhissteamingcupandnodded.

“Anyway,”Icontinued,“IwonderedifIcould

takePhillyalong?She’dloveit,andallthekids
therewouldadoreher.”

“Thatwouldbegreat.”Hissmileputmeat

easeonceagain.

Ipickedatmymuffin,tryingtoavertmyeyes

whenasilencecoiledaroundus.

“Something’swrong,”Harrisonsaidafter

watchingmeforawhile,hisnarroweyesfixed
onmewithastare.HeknewmebetterthanI
knewmyselfsometimes.

Swallowingthelumpthathadgrowninmy

throatsincethatmorning,Ireachedintomybag
andpulledoutthesmallpieceofpaper.

“Ireceivedthisthismorning.”
Harryfrownedandtookitfromme.“Family

meansnoonegetsleftbehindorforgotten,
DavidOgdenStiers.”Hereadthequoteoutloud
andthenlookedatmewithadeeperfrown.
“Wasithand-delivered?”

Inodded,passinghimtheenvelopeitcame

in.“I’mnottooconcerned,”Idivulged.“Padraic
isdeadnow,andit’shardlyathreat.Ijustdon’t
understand.”

Henoddedandstuffeditintohisinsidejacket

pocket.“I’llhaveittested,seeifanythingcomes
up.”

“Thankyou.”

“It’sprobablyjustafan.Likeyousaid,

Padraicisgonenow,soI’mnotconcernedabout
this.”

Anotherawkwardsilencedevelopedand

sighingloudlyIlookedatHarrisonandbitthe
bullet.“Harry,whatarewedoinghere?”

Settinghiscupdown,heclickedhistongue.“I

can’tstopthinkingaboutyou,Lily.”

Okay,thatsurprisedme,andIcouldn’thide

theastonishmentfrommyfaceasmyeyes
widened.“Whatareyousaying?”Icouldn’tdare
tohope.Harrisonhadtoldmehecouldn’tever
havearelationshipwithme,andI’dhadto
acceptthat.

Hereachedformeandlinkedhisfingers

throughmine.Thewayhesoftlystrokedhis
thumbovermyknucklestookmyattention,and
Igazedathowhislargehandswampedmytiny
one.

“Iwanttodate,Lily.”
MyeyessnappeduptohisandIjerkedin

surprise.“What?ButIthoughtyousaid…”

“IknowwhatIsaid.ButeveryminuteIspend

withoutyouisdrivingmemoreandmore
insane.Ihaven’ttakenarealbreathsinceyou
walkedoutofmyhotelroomtendaysago.You
blewmymindthatnight,Lily.I’veneverfelt
suchaconnectionwithanyonebefore,andI
knowdamnwellIneverwillagain.UnlessI’m

withyou.”ThewordstumbledfromhimandI
wasn’tsureifIwashearinghimcorrectly.HadI
slippedandbangedmyhead?

HegavemyhandasqueezewhenIdidn’t

respond.“Well?”

Leaningtowardshim,Ilickedmylipsand

tookadeepbreath.“I’mnotsurewe’llbeany
goodatthis.Imean,I’veneverhada
relationshipbefore,andyou’re…well…”

“Moody,cantankerous,difficult,”hefinished

formewithasmirk.

Ishruggedslightly.“Well,yes,allofthe

above.Butyou’realsosomethingsthatyou
don’tsee.”

Hisbrowsliftedashewaitedformetofinish.
“You’refiercelyprotective.Anamazing

father.Generous,notwithmonetarythings,but
yourtimeandaffection.You’refunny.”Hestared
meoutonthatone.“Andyou’resupergood-
looking.”

Scrunchinguphisnoseheshookhisheadand

sighed.“Onedayyou’llsaysomethingthatI
actuallyfathom,LilyCooper.So,arewedating
ornot?”

Icouldn’tkeepthegrinoffmyface.“Iguess

weare.”Mycheeksflushedwithheatattheway
hisgazedarkened.

“Good,”hebarked,boltingupright.“Ihave

bettercakeinmyfridge.Comeon.”

Ididn’thaveachancetoarguewhenhe

snatchedupmycoatandpulledmeoutofthe
café.

***

IwatchedwhenHarrisonslideachofmy

blousebuttonsthroughitshole.

“Ithoughtwewerejustdating?”
Mykneeswobbledwhenhecircledaround

me,slippingthesilkovermyshoulders.“Weare.
Butwe’redatingwithorgasms.”

“Datingwithorgasms,huh?”
“Uh-huh.”
Hetrailedthetipofhisfingerdownthe

lengthofmyspine,dippingintothebackofmy
jeansbeforehishandscamearoundthefrontof
me.Heunbuttonedthedenimandpulledthem
downmylegs.

“IthinkIlikethesoundofdatingwith

orgasms.”

“Thoughtyoumight,”hewhisperedwhenhe

droppedtohiskneesbehindme.

Itriedtolookovermyshoulder,butthemore

Ilooked,thefurtherdownhedisappeared.
“Harry!?”Iwasn’tsureifIsaidhisnameasa
statementoraquestion,butwhenhepushedme
forwards,soIwasbentdouble,myassdirectly
inhisface,Ilosttheabilitytosayanything

whatsoever.

Heatfromembarrassmentroaredthrough

myentirebodywhenhehookedhisthumbs
throughtheedgeofmyknickersandslowly
peeledthemdownmylegs.

Tryingtostand,Igrumbledwhenhepressed

hishanddownonthebottomofmyspine,
keepingmeinplace.“Staythere.”

“Harry…”
Oh,dear.JesusChrist.Ihadtoholdontomy

kneeswhenhenuzzledhisentirefacebetween
mylegsandstartedtosuckleonmyclit.Mylegs
shook–fuckthat,mybonesshook!

“Holdon,”HarrymumbledwhenIstartedto

keelforwards.

“Ican’t!...Oh,God.Yeah,that’sgood.Right

there…Don’tstop!OhGod,please–don’t–
stop!”

Hedidn’t.
Icamewithachokedscream,mywholebody

rockingwiththepleasurethatrippedthrough
me.

IsquealedwhenIwaspickedupandthrown

nonetooelegantlyontoHarrison’sbed.Butmy
gigglessubsidedwhenHarrisonslowlystarted
tounclothehimself.

HewascutlikeaGod,allsharplinesand

contours.Hehadtobesuperfittodohisjob,and
Ihadnodoubtthatheworkedoutmercilessly.

Myeyesdroppedtohiscockwhenhe

removedhisshorts,andIsatupontheedgeof
thebed.

Withoutanywords,HarrisonknewwhatI

wanted.Hestrodetowardsme,hisdarkeyes
fixedfirmlyonmine,andcametoarestbetween
mypartedlegs.Hiscockstoodproudlyinfront
ofmyface,andhesitantlyIliftedmyhandand
wrappedmyfingersaroundit.Harryhissed,his
nostrilsflaringasIlookedupathimandstroked
myfistupanddownhimslowly.

“Tasteme,”heordered.Hishandsfistedmy

hairwhenIlightlyranthetipofmytongue
aroundtheheadofhim.“Carryonlikethat,and
there’llbenomoreorgasmsforyou.”

Icuppedhisballsinmyhand,feelingthem

tightenagainstmypalmwhenIsankmymouth
downthelengthofhim.Sweepingthehairfrom
myface,Harrisonheldthelongstrandsbehind
myheadasIstartedanunyieldingrhythmup
anddownhiscock,mytonguepressingagainst
theundersideasIfelthimswellmoreandmore.

Pullinghimselffrommymouth,heliftedme

withahandundereacharmandchangedour
positions,sohewassatonthebed,andthen
lininghimselfupwithme,heloweredmeonto
hiscock.

“Timefororgasmnumbertwo,”hestated

boldly.Iwasn’tgoingtoarguewithhim.

Itriedtogetapaceonhim,butmylegswere

tooshaky.“Mythighsachelikethis,”Igriped.

Hechuckledandspunusaround,pinningme

underneathhim.

“Muchbetter,”Igrinnedupathim.“Youwork

out,you’remuchbetteratthisthanme.”

“Oh,Idunno,”hemurmuredashenibbledmy

neck.“Youseemtobedoingaprettygoodjobso
far.”

“Cheers.”
Heshookhisheadatmybeamingfacebut

whenherammedintomehard,Igasped,and
everybitofhumourevaporated.Iwasn’tsureif
hewastryingtokillmeornot,butthefriction
hewascausingwasshiftingmeacrossthebed,
andwhenmyheadhungofftheedge,Ididn’t
giveaflyingfuck.Ijustneededhimtokeep
going.

“Harder,”Igrowledwhenmyentirebody

hummedwithpleasure.

Iwatchedhisfaceashisownpleasuresaw

himbitinghislip.Hisjawlinewasrigid,his
featuressetinstoneashelockedeyeswithme
andsnarled,“Giveitme!”

Isoaredwhenherolledhishipsandrubbed

hispelvisovermyclit.Myfingernailsduginto
hisbackwheneverynerveendinginmybody
ignitedwithafirethatlickedeveryinchofme.

Therushofhiscuminsidemehadme

clingingtohimashisbodytrembledinecstasy
andhejerkedhard,forcinghiscockdeeper
insidemelikehewantedmetoneverforgetit
hadbeenthere.

“Oh,”Ipanted.“Wow.”
Hedroppedhisforeheadtomyshoulder,his

hardbreathingloudinmyear.“Fuck,”wasallhe
managedtosay.

Inodded,thoroughlyagreeingwithhim.
Rollingover,hecradledmeinoneofhisarms

andpulledmeintohisside.Thesweatonmy
browmixedwiththedampnessonhisskinwhen
Ilaymyheadonhim.Iwatchedthehypnoticlift
andfallofhischest,andmyutterlysatedbody
driftedintothebestsleepofmylife.

Thirty-three

HARRISON

“You’reagoodcook,”Lilymumbledaround

themouthfulofscrambledeggsIwashand
feedingher.“Thisisgood.”

Shelookededibleherself,satcross-leggedon

thekitchenchairinoneofmylongsleeves
shirts.Itburiedher;she’dhadtorollthesleeves
upthreetimes,andhalfherhandsstill
disappearedupinsidethem.

“CanIaskyousomething?”sheasked,andI

regardedherwarily.

“Mm-hmm.”
Takingasipoftea,shewatchedmecarefully

assheasked,“Whydidyouleavetheservice?”

Iknewshe’daskoneday,Ijusthadn’t

expecteditsosoon.Takingadeepbreath,I
placedmyforkdownandsatback.“Imadea
graveerror.”

Shenoddedbutknewtherewasmore

coming,andshewaitedpatiently.

“ImadeacalltoenteranareaIthoughtI’d

gotcovered.Myactionresultedinthedeathof
mypartner.”

“Oh,Harry.”Sheslippedherhandintomine,

thesadnessinhereyesmakingtheeggschurnin
mystomach.“ButI’msureitwasn’tyourfault.”

Inoddedfirmly.“Yes,itreallywas.Rachel

hadbeenmypartnerforsixyears.”Itstillhurt

likefucktotalkaboutit,andluckily,Lily
appreciatingmyreluctancetotalkmore,
changedthesubject.

“Ineedtomakeyoumylambtaginesoon.It’s

theonlythingIcancook,”shelaughed,settling
backintoherchair,andtuckedbackintoher
breakfast.“Although,I’dstillupyourlife
insurancefirst.”

Ilikedhoweasyshewastobearound.Our

sombremoodwasnowgone,Lilyeffortlessly
leadingtheconversationbacktolightand
carefree.

“Whatdoyouhaveplannedfortoday?”I

askedherasshestoleapieceofbaconfrommy
forkandpoppeditquicklybetweenherluscious
lips.

“Rehearsalwiththeguysandthena

photoshootforthemagazine.”

Mystomachsankindisappointment.“Shame,

Ithoughtwecouldspendthedaytogether.”

Shesighedandrestedherhandonmycheek.

“Sorry.”

“Notaproblem,Icoulddowithgettingmy

guystotakealookatthatnoteyoureceived.”

“I’msurethere’snorush,Harry.Don’tchange

yourplansforme.Besides,aren’tyouworking
today?”

Ishookmyhead,finallymanagingtoget

somefoodintomyownmouth.“Liam’sonduty

untilMonday.”

Herfacelitup,andshegrinned.“Oh,soyou’re

freethisweekend?”

Inodded.“Yep.”
“Doyoufancygettingoutofhereforafew

days?Idunno,somewherequietandsecluded.”

Leaningtowardsher,Igrinnedandnuzzled

herear.“Sonoonecanhearyouscreammy
name?”

“Orscreamingeneral,”sheansweredwitha

quiverinhervoice.Shewassoreceptivetome
andIshiveredatthethoughtofallthegreatsex
comingmyway.

Turningherhead,shepressedherlipsto

mine.Herkisswassoft,butthewaymybelly
firedwithheathadmedeepeningit.She
groanedintomymouthwhenIcaughther
tonguewithmyown,andIpulledheracross
ontomylap.Slippingopenthetopbuttonofher
shirt,exposingherbarebreasts,Ipeppered
kissesdownthecentreofherneck.

Shewriggledontopofme,myerection

pressingagainstherheatwhenIsuckedonthe
smoothswellofherbreast.“Hungryformore
thanbacon,huh?”Ismirked.

“Idon’tknowwhatitisthatyoudotome…”

Shewascutoffwhenthekitchendoorflew
open.

AndAnnstoodglaringatus.Fuck!

Lilytuggedtheshirtclosedandjumpedback

ontoherchair.

Ididn’thavetimetorespondwhenAnnflew

forme,herfistsbeatingatmychest.“You
cheatingbastard!Iknewit!”

Igrabbedherhandsandheldherback.“We

havetobedatingformetocheatonyou!”

Hereyesspatasmuchvenomashermouth.

“Sowhat,youjustwantmetoraisethisbabyby
myself,huh?Youreallyareaselfishprick!”

Lily’sgasphadAnnandmebothstillingand

turning.

“Oh,letmeguess!”Annscoffed.“Hedidn’ttell

you!”

MystomachsankatthelookofhurtinLily’s

eyeswhenshestoodmute,merelystaringatme.
Shakingherheadslowly,afattearrolledover
ontohercheek,andwithoutaword,shewalked
fromtheroom.

“See,youhurteverysinglepersonyoucome

intocontactwith,Harry!”Annspat.“Youwere
supposedtomeetmeatthehospitalthis
morning!”

Shit!Ihadcompletelyforgotten.
Sherummagedaroundinherbagandflunga

pieceofpaperatme.“Meetyourdaughter!”

Agirl.
Istaredattheimageofmydaughter,noteven

noticingAnnhadleft.Mychestswelledwith

prideatthefirsteverphotographofmylittle
girl.Phillywouldbeoverjoyed,notthatI’dtold
hershewasgoingtohaveasiblingyet.Iwasn’t
surehowshe’dtakeit,butknowinghow
resilientshewas,Ididn’tforeseeaproblem.

Therewassomeonewhowasn’thappy

though.Iwinced,clenchingmyteethtogetherat
thewayAnnhadblurteditout.Itwasn’tasifI
wasn’tgoingtotellLily,butI’dhavepreferredto
doitlessdramatically.

AsIenteredthehalltotakethestairsupto

Lily,IstoppedshortinsurprisewhenIfoundher
openingthefrontdoor.

“Lily.Letmeexplain.”
Herheadshook,moretearsspillingdownher

face.“There’snothingtoexplain,Harrison.I
don’tdoliesorsecrets.Ithoughtyou’d
understandthat.”

“Ijustdidn’thavetimetotellyou!”Iargued,

approachingher.

Sheheldupherhands,wardingmeoff,and

turnedhereyesawayfromme.“Sureyoudidn’t.
Itdoesn’tmatternow.This,whateveritwas
betweenus,wasnevergoingtowork.AndI
certainlywon’tbeabitontheside,Harrison!”

Istaredatherincredulously.“Youneverwill

be!”

“No,”shefiredback.“Iwon’t!Becausewe’re

finished.”

“We’veonlyjustfuckingstarted!”Ibitout.

“Jesus.Justletmeexplain.”

“Idon’twanttolistentoyourlies.”She

laughedbitterlyandshookherhead.“That’s
whatthatdamnnotewas,wasn’tit?Family
meansnoonegetsleftbehindorforgotten.How
couldIhavebeensostupid!AtleastAnntriedto
warnme,atleastshethoughtIoughttoknow
somethingsoimportant!”

AnythingItriedtosaytoherwouldbea

waste.Sheneededtocalmdown,andreluctantly
Ididn’tfollowherwhensheslammedthedoor
behindher.

Couldn’tanythingeverrunsmoothly?
AndwhenmyphonelitupwithLiam’sname,

Ijustknewitwasabouttogetawholelotworse

Thirty-four

LILY

Knightstillcouldn’tlookmeintheeye.The

feelingwasmutual.

Thenursehandedmesomeleaflets.“Please

makesureyougotoyourfirsttherapy
appointment,Lily.”

Inodded,stuffingthemintomybag.Fuckthat

shit.Andfromthewayshelookedatme
scepticallyandblewoutadisappointedsigh,I
knewshehadreadmymind.But,conceding,she
gavemeonelastsmileandallowedmetoleave.

Knightsimmeredbesidemeaswewalked

throughthehospitalandoutintothecarpark.

“I’msorry,”ItriedwhenIdelicatelyclimbed

intohiscar.

Hepracticallythrewhimselfintothedriver’s

seatandhuffed,buthedidn’totherwise
acknowledgemyapology.

Myheartwasheavyaswetooktheshort

journeytomyhouse,buttheatmosphereinthe
carwasmoreoppressive.IhatedlettingKnight
down,hewasoneofmybestfriends,andIknew
helovedmeasmuchasIlovedhim.And
althoughIunderstoodhisangerwithme,he
couldn’tevercomprehendmyneedtocut.
Except,thistime,I’dfuckedupandnickedthe
mainarteryinmyinnerthigh.Panichadsetin,
andI’ddonetheonlythingIcouldthinkofand

rangKnight,butmyfearhadn’tbeenatenthof
theworryI’dcausedhim.Thehorroronhisface
whenhe’drushedintomybathroomlastnight
wouldstayinmynightmaresforalongtime.

Hefollowedmeintomyhouse,stillangry,

placedmybagdownbythedoor,thenwalked
backout.Okay.

Iflickedonthekettle,hatingthatitwas

morningandseverelyfrowneduponifInecked
backsomevodka.

Thehousewasquiet,tooquiet.Maybeitwas

timetogetanothercat.ImissedGerry.Although
whentheimageofhimbleedingoutinmy
hallwayfilteredforbiddinglyintomymind,I
shudderedanddecidedagainstit.

Decidingtohavemycoffeestrongandblack,

Iwearilymademywayupstairsandshowered.
Thescoldingwaterdidnothingtowashaway
thefilththatstainedmysoul,ashardasI
scrubbedatmyself.Hatrednestleddeepinmy
boneswhenIlookedatthestateofmythighs,
andIcouldn’tholdbackthedeepsobswhen
theyleftmeinwavesofdevastation.Nowonder
Harrisondidn’twantme.Iwasfuckedup,both
physicallyandemotionally.

“So,what,youjustwantmetoraisethisbaby

bymyself,huh?”

Thewoman’swordshitmeoverandover

untilIsliddownthecubiclewallandcurledin
onmyself.HowstupidcouldIget?I’dallowed
Harrisonintomyheart,andIhadtrustedhim.It
didn’tsurprisemehe’dkeptsuchathingas
havinganotherwoman,apregnantwoman
cometothat,secret.IknewhethoughtIwastoo
fragiletohandlethetruth.Maybehehadbeen
scaredthatIwouldcutwhenIfoundout.

AndhereIwasagain.Thescarsonmylegs

proofthatHarrisonwasright,Iwastoofucked
andweaktocopewiththetruth.

Steppingoutoftheshower,Irushedfromthe

bathroomwhenIheardmyphoneringfrommy
bedroom.

IhesitatedwhenIsawMark’snameonthe

screenbutdecidingwhatthehell,Ianswered.
“Hey,Mark.”

“Where’veyoubeenhiding,MissCooper?I’ve

beentryingyourphoneforacoupleofdays.”

Cringing,Iquicklylied,“Sorry,hecticwith

thismagazinearticleandrehearsal.”

“Well,pleasetellmeyou’refreetonight.I’m

actuallystartingtogetacomplexhere.”

Ilaughed.Somethinginsidemetoldmenot

to,butthebigfuckyoutoHarrisonsideofme
answered,“Sure.”

“It’sabouttime!”hechuckled.“Right,I’llpick

youupatseven.”

“Oh,no,don’tbesilly.I’llmeetyou.”
Hegaspeddramatically.“Notsurehowmany

datesyou’vebeenon,Lily,butthat’snotusually
howit’sdone.”

Surrendering,Irolledmyeyes.“Fine.I’llsee

youatseven.”

Isatontheedgeofthebedafterendingthe

call.Ishouldbegrinning.Ihadadate.Yet,allI
couldthinkofwasHarrison,andwhetherthis
wouldhurthim.Thenagain,he’dprobablybe
lovedupwithhisotherwomantonight,andI
wouldn’tevenbeworthathought.

Stubbornly,Iwalkedovertothewardrobe

andpulledoutmybestdress.Fuck,Harrison.
Tonight,Ineededtostartlivingagain,and
boldlypullingoutmysexiestundies,Ilaidthem
onthebedandfinallysmiled.

***

MarkstoodsmilingatmewhenIopenedthe

doortohimbangonseveno’clock.Hiseyes
quicklyappraisedthelengthofmebefore
venturingbacktomyface.“Youlooknice.”

Nice?AlittlepartofmesunkwhenInoticed

hedidn’tlookatmelikeHarrisondid,therewas
noheatinhiseyes,nohungerinhisgaze.Ithad

takenmethreehourstolookthisgood!Damnit!

Shakingitoff,Isnatchedupmybagand

steppedout,frowningwhenheledmetothecar.
“You’redriving?”

Openingmydoorforme,henodded.“Yeah,I

don’tdrink.”

“Oh.”Crap!HewasgoingtothinkIwasalush

therateIknockeditback.

ThefirstthingIdid,asIalwaysdidwhen

gettingintoacar,wastotakeovertheBluetooth
andfireuponeofmyplaylists.Icouldn’thelp
butsmilewhenMarkdidn’tcomplain.Harrison
usedtogrumblelikehellwheneverhehadto
drivemesomewhere,andwe’dalwaysbattle
overthemusicuntilhefinallyforfeited,andI
won.Ofcourse.

Markglancedatmeafterturningdownthe

volumeandpullingaway.“Finally,it’stakenme
agestogetyoutomyself,”heproclaimedwitha
hintofascowltighteninghisbrowline.

“Oh,youknowhowitiswiththisjob,”I

uttered,wincingathistone.Heseemedweird,
butIcouldn’tpinpointpreciselyhow.

“So,Itakeititdidn’tworkoutwithyouand

yourbodyguard.”

Shit.
“I’msorry?”IquestionedasifIhadn’t

understoodwhathewastalkingabout.

Hesmirked,takingaglimpsemywaybefore

turninghisattentionbacktotheroad.“Harrison,
isit?Isawthewayhewaswithyouafteryour
gig.Itwashardnottonoticeactually.”

“Oh,no,therewasnothinginthat.”
Henoddedslowly.“Yetyou’restillwearing

thebracelethegaveyou.”

Damnit,didnothinggetpastthisguy?
“Harrisondidn’tgivemethis,”Ifibbed.
Mark,strangely,justchuckled.“Mm-hmm.”
Thiswasn’tgoingverywell.
Takingalookoutofthewindow,Itriedto

deviatefromthetopicofHarrison.“So,where
areyoutakingme?”

“It’sasurprise.”Finally,heactuallylooked

enthusiastic.

“Well,you’llbehappytoknowthatIlove

surprises.”

Thefirstflickerofexcitementbubbledinmy

bellywhenhegrinnedandwinkedatme.“Good,
becauseyou’regoingtoloveit.”

Cautionslitheredintomyveins,accelerating

myheartratewhenhepulledofftheroadand
ventureddownadarkdirttrack.Myarse
jumpedfromtheseatwhenhehitasizeable
bump,andbranchesscrapedthesidesofhiscar.
“Umm…”

Helaughed.“Don’tworry,I’mnotaserial

killer,Lily.I’mnotgoingtohackyouintopieces
andburyeachpartofyouthroughouttheforest.”

“Wellthat’sgreat,”Ibreathedoutinrelief,

“becauseIcan’trunintheseheels.”

Hislaughdeepenedbutwhenhepulledthe

cartoastop,thebreathinmylungslodgedin
mythroat.

“Oh,wow,”Isaidwithadeepsighand

climbedfromthecar.

Asmallclearingspreadoutbeforeus.Inthe

centre,atartanrugwasspreadout,andapretty
wickerpicnicbasketsattooneedge.Abucketof
icewithabottleproudlyprotrudingfromitheld
downonecorneroftherug.Whatmusthave
beenfiftydifferentcolouredtealightslitupthe
area,castingasoftglow.Tofinishitoff,asmall
campfirewardedoffthechillofthewinterair
andrepelledtheshadowsfromthelooming
overheadtrees.

NowonderMarkhadfrownedatmychoice

ofclothes,thesix-inchheelsIworeposinga
problemintheundergrowth.

“Sorry,Iforgottotellyoutodressdown,”he

whisperedfrombehindme.Hisbreathwas
warmonthenapeofmyneck,andIshivered.

“Thisisstunning.Ican’tbelieveyouwentto

thismuchtrouble.”

“I’vebeenwaitingforthisnightforavery

longtime,Lily.Theoccasiondeserves
somethingspecial.”

Iturnedaround.Hisfacewasbarelyaninch

frommine,andleaningforwardintoakiss,Iwas
leftstunnedwhenhetookastepback.

“Allgoodthingscometothosewhowait,”he

proclaimedwithacheekywink.“AndIcan
guaranteetonightwillbeworthwaitingfor,Lily
Cooper.”

Inodded,realisinghewasright.Whatthe

hellwaswrongwithme;rushinginsoquickly?
Embarrassed,Iturnedawayfromhimand
slippedmyheelsoff.

Therugwasalittleroughundermylegs

whenIsatdown,butIsoonforgotaboutthat
whenMarkpoppedthecorkonabottleof
expensivechampagneandhandedmethesingle
flute.

“Totonight,”hetoasted,clinkinghisglassof

wateragainstmyglass.

“Totonight,”Iechoedwithasmile.
Iwatchedasheproducedseveralyummy

foodsfromthebasketandfilledthespace
betweenuswithitall.Icouldn’thelpbutthink
hewasbuildingawallinthemiddleofus,but
thatwassillybecausehe’dbeenmorethan
enthusiasticabouttakingmeonadate.

RealisingIwasfamished,Idivedstraightin.

“Thisissogood,”Imumbledaroundthefood.
Takingaquicksipofchampagne,Isetitdown
andfishedinmybagformyphonewhenIheard
thefainttextalert.

“Anythingimportant?”Markasked.
“No,justBec.”
ShovingitbackinmybagwhenIrealisedI

wasbeingrude,IsmiledatMarkandreached
formyglass.

“Areyoutryingtogetmedrunk,MrDenver?”

IsmirkedwhenIfoundhe’dtoppedupmyglass.

Tuckingapieceofrunawayhairbehindmy

ear,Iheldabreathwhenhewhispered.“Ohno,I
needyoutobecompletelysentientforwhatI
haveplannedforyoutonight.”

Thatwasmorelikeit.
Bitingintoastrawberry,Ilickedthejuice

frommylipsandwasheditdownwitha
mouthfuloffizz.“Andwhatbettersetting.Thisis
sobeautiful.”

“Aspecialplaceforaspeciallady.”
“Smoothtalker,”Ilaughed,knockingback

morechampagne.Thisstuffwasreallygood.I
wasusedtocheapplonk,andImadeapromise
tomyselftoindulgeinabottleeverypayday
nowthatthebandwasdoingsowell,andmy
bankmanagerlikedmeagain.

“AmIkeepingyouawake?”Marklaughed

whenIyawned.

Stretchingoutontherug,Ipinchedthe

bridgeofmynoseandrubbedmytiredeyes.
“Sorry,longnightlastnight,andtheheatfrom
thefire…”

Iwassocomfortable,andrestingmyheadon

myarm,IgazedataswiftlyblurringMark.“That
cham-pangeis…isstr-ong…”Islurred.Bloody
hell,I’donlyhadtwoglasses;itmustbeone
hundredpercentproof.

“Hmm.”InestledintoMark’shandwhenhe

strokeditacrossmyhairanddownmycheek.

“That’sokay,Lily.Sleep.I’llbeherewhen

you…”

Ididn’theartheendofhissentence.

Thirty- ive

HARRISON

“Harry,takealookatthis.”Jimmymotioned

formetolookatthelaptophewasworkingon
assoonasheletmeintohisapartment.

Somethinghadn’tsatrightwiththenotethat

Lilyhadreceived,andI’daskedJimtoseeifhe
couldfindanythingout.Ididn’ttakeLily’sbelief
thatitwassentbyAnneither.Yes,shewasa
bitch,butshewasalsoathickbitch.Quotes
weren’therthing.So,ifAnnhadn’tsentit,then
whohad,andwhy?

PeeringoverJimmy’sshoulder,Ilookedat

hisscreen.

“Iranthequotethroughthesystem,and

althoughit’smainlyassociatedwithakid’s
movie,justlookatoneoftheresults.”Jimmy
clickedonalink,bringingupastillofoldvideo
footage.

“Isthat…?”
“DACNikolayKuznetsov,yep,”Jimmy

confirmed,peeringoverhisshoulderatme.“But
thisiswhereitgetsinteresting.It’sanewsclip
fromovertwodecadesagobeforehewaseven
intheforce.Kuznetsovwasattheopeningofa
localorphanageinhishometowninRussia.”

“Anorphanage?Kuznetsov?”
“Yeah,wellI’velookedoverthewordedpart

ofthearticleandapparently,hefundedafew

children’shomesbackinthelatenineties,
makingithismissiontofindeachkidafamily.
But,lookatthis…”

Heclickedplay…
“Asanorphanmyself,”Kuznetsovspoketo

thepeoplecongregatedforthegrandopening,“I
knowhowhardthestruggleistofitin,andthe
longingtojustbelong.Iwaslucky,someone
camealongandgavemeachanceatlife.Iwas
givenafamily.Butsomechildrenaren’tthat
lucky.Iknowhowscaryitcanfeelwithoutthe
protectionofafamily.Thisworldisacruelone
andcansometimesbelonelyandisolating,and
havingafamilymeansnoonegetsleftbehindor
forgotten…”

“Fuck!”IbreathedoutwhenJimmypaused

therecording,droppingintothechairbeside
Jimmy.

“Yeah,ourquote.Rightthere!”
“Weneedtofindoutwhoadoptedhim.”
“Aheadofya’,”Jiminformedmewithasmirk.

Thelookhegavemehadmesittingup
straighter.“You’renotgonnabelievethis,
Harry.”

Pullingoveranotherlaptop,heflicked

throughvariousopenscreensandstoppedon
one.

“Areyoushittingme?”IaskedasIpulledthe

screencloserandgawpedattheimagebefore

me.“KirillVolkov,theBratvaBoss,adopted
orphans?”

“Yep.Didn’tbelieveitmyselfuntilIchecked

moredatabases.It’sinblackandwhiteon
numerousdocuments.KirillVolkovadopteda
numberofRussianorphans.”Hepaused.
“IncludingPadraicFedorovandOdianaYeltsin.”

“NowonderKuznetsovinterviewedLilyon

thesly,hewasjustprotectinghisfucking
brother!”

“Mm-hmm.Lookingattherecords,itseems

it’snowatraditionfortheRussianMafiatohelp
outsomepoororphankids.YulianMarkoff,the
bossoftheBratvanow,stilladoptstothisday.
Definitelyafewpalmsgreasedthere,noway
wouldanyjudgeinanylandallowthemobto
takeinhomelesskids.AlthoughI’mquite
positiveit’stobuildhisarmy,Harry,Russians
arebigonfamilyandallthat,somaybehe
actuallyhasaheart.”

Athoughtoccurredtome,andasIopenedmy

mouth,Jimmyhaltedme.“Wayaheadofyou
onceagain,bigguy.IknowLilywasadoptedby
theCoopers,it’snobigsecret,andshit,this
couldn’tbecoincidence,soIdidsomedigging.”

Thistimehedidn’tbringupanypageonhis

laptop.Thistime,heturnedinhisseat,sohewas
facingme.Ibracedmyselfwhenhetookadeep
breath.“LilyCooperwasbornAnastasia

Yaroslav.ShewasborntoaRussianwomanwho
wastakingrefugeintheStateswhenshegave
birthtoLily…andherfraternaltwinbrother.”

Thirty-six

LILY

OhGod,howmuchhadIdrunk?Myheadfelt

thick,mybodyheavy,andIstruggledtoopenmy
eyes.MymouthwassodryIhadtopeelmy
tongueofftheroofofmymouth.

“Welcomeback,sleepyhead.”
Iliftedmyselfupright,theblanketMarkhad

placedovermefallingtomywaist.“Oh,myGod.
I’msosorry.”

Hesmiled.“Noworries.”Heheldupabook,

wavingitatme.“I’vebeencatchingupwithabit
ofShakespeare.”

Snorting,Ireachedforabottleofwater.“I

wouldn’thavehadyoudownforaRomeoand
Julietsortofguy.”

“WhatcanIsay,Ilikebeingmysterious.”
Inoddedandnarrowedmyeyes.“Hmm,you

reallyare.”

“Eat!”hedeclared,forcingapieceofhaminto

mymouth.“Igetthefeelingyou’venotbeen
eatingproperlyforawhile.Nowonderyoufell
asleeponme.”

Hewashurt.Igotthat.Ifmydatehadfallen

asleepwhenI’dgonetosomuchtrouble,I’d
havebeenmiffedtoo.

“I’msorry,Mark.ReallyIam.”
Hesmiled,butitdidn’treachhiseyes.“It’sno

bother.Really.”

“Butyou’rethinkingthishasn’treallygone

thewayyouthought,”Iposed,readinghim
correctly.

Heshrugged.“Idunno,Lily.I’mattractedto

you,don’tgetmewrong.”

“But?”
“But,Ikindofgetthefeelingyou’rehungup

onsomeoneelse.”

Okay.
“Thattransparent,huh?”
Hesmiled,handingmemorefood.“I’mnot

blind,orstupid,Lily.Inoticedthebangleassoon
asyouopenedthedoortomethismorning.”

“Thisthing?”Ipulledthebraceletoffmy

wristandflungitaside.“See,itreallydoesn’t
meanmuchtome,Mark.”Isighedindefeat
whenhelookedatmesceptically.“But,you’re
right.Thereis,orratherhasbeen,something
betweenHarrisonandme.I’mnotevensure
whatitis,but…”

Thesoundofanapproachingvehiclecut

shortmyexplanation,andwhenheadlightslitup
thearea,meandMarkgottoourfeet.

“Liam?”Isquintedatthefigurethatclimbed

fromthecar.

“Hey,sweetheart.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Liam’seyesflickeredtoMark,andthey

narrowed.“Harrysentmetofetchyou.He’s

foundsomethingfromthenote.I’mtotakeyou
backtohisimmediately.”

“Whatthefuck?”Markhissed,takingastep

forward.“Canyounotseewe’reinthemiddleof
somethinghere?”

“Oh,Icansee,alright.Butunfortunately,your

littleplandidn’twork!”

“Whatfuckingplan?”Markraged.“Theonly

planIhadwastogiveLilyandmesomealone
timewithouthavingtowardoffthefucking
paparazzi!”

Liamlaughed,butIgaspedwhenhelifteda

gunandaimeditatMark.

“Liam!Whatthehellareyoudoing?”
“It’sokay,poppet.Harrywillexplain.”
MarkstoodgawpingatLiam,hishandsheld

up.“Jesus,Lily,IknowHarrison’sgotathingfor
you,butthisisabitover-the-top,wouldn’tyou
say?”

IturnedtoMark,myheadshaking.“I’mso

sorryaboutthis.”IwasgoingtokillHarrison
whenIgotmyhandsaroundhisthroat!Walking
overtoLiam,Iputmyhandonhiswrist.“Liam,
there’snoneedforthis.Justputthegundown!”

“Inasecond,”heremarked.
Thescreamthattoreupmythroatand

explodedarounduswhenLiamfiredasingle
shot,thebulletembeddingbangcentralin
Mark’sforehead,hadallthewildlifescurrying

forcover.

Icouldn’tgetanywordsout,shockleaving

mefrozen.EvenmyheartstilledasIwatched
Markslumptotheground,hislifelessbody
bleedingoutontotheplateofcoldmeatsthathe
hadfedmefromnotminutesbefore.

Myphonerangfrominsidemybag,butI

couldn’tgetmylegstomove.

“Sorryyouhadtowitnessthat,Lily,”Liam

saidasheputhisarmaroundmeandliftedmy
tremblingbody.

Myheadshookfromsidetoside,butI

couldn’tseemtomakeanythingwork.My
senseswereoff,andtheonlythingIcould
concentrateonwasmycontinuallyringing
phone.

“Ihavetoanswerthat.”Evenmyownvoice

soundedalien.Theworldhadtiltedonitsaxis,
obscuringeverything,andmakingeven
breathingdreamlike.

“No,youdon’t.It’sokay.Let’sgetyou

somewheresafe.”

Ididn’targueorfightLiamwhenhegently

placedmeinthepassengerseatofhiscar.He
didn’tevencheckonMark;hejustclimbedin
besidemeanddroveaway.

Thirty-seven

HARRISON

“Fuck!”
AlthoughMarkDenverhadaperfectbullet

holeinthemiddleofhisforehead,Jimmystill
pressedtwofingerstothedeadman’sneckto
checkforapulse.“Nothing.”

“Welldoneonpassingyourdetective's

examination,Jim.”

“Hey,”heheldupahand.“Don’ttakethisout

onme.”

Igroaned,droppingtomyhauncheswhenI

spottedLily’sbanglewedgedbeneathMark’s
armandtherug.Wherethefuckwasshe?Lily’s
bagwaslaidbesideapairofheels,andImadea
quickscanoftheareaforanyunderwear.The
settingwasromantic,andIdidn’tlikehowangry
thatmademe.Ifthisprickhadtouchedher,I’d
bringhimbacktolifejustsoIcoulddetachhis
cockfromhisballsandbetheonetowitnesshis
verylastbreath.

WalkingtoMark’scar,Inarrowedmyeyesat

anothersetoftyretracks.Theystoppedshort
beforemorelinesshowedthecarhadreversed
thewayithadcome.

“Gonnahavetocallthisin,Harry,”Jim

informedmewithagrimace.“Can’tcoverthis
oneup.”

Inodded.“Beforeyoudo,Ithinkit’sabout

timewepaidyourSuperintendentavisit.”

Jimmyrolledhiseyesandgroaned.“IfIget

myP45overthis,you’rebuyingmebreakfastfor
therestofmylife!”

“Relax.”Ismirked.“IfyougetfiredIheard

MacDonald’sarelookingforstaff.Allthe
breakfast,lunch,anddinneryoucaneat.”

“Oh,well,that’salrightthen,”hegripedashe

slidintothecarbesideme.“Andwhatabout
him?”heasked,noddinghisheadtowardsthe
picniccarnage.

“Don’treallythinkhe’sgonnabailonus,Jim.

Besides,IsawacopyofRomeoandJuliet
amongsthisthings,leasthe'sgotsomethingto
readwhilehewaits.”

“You’reallheart.”
“Andbrains,Jim.Allheartandbrains.”
“Withwhatwe’reabouttodo,thatremainsto

beseen,”heremarkedasIswungthecararound
andleftMarkDenverinthesafehandsof
WilliamShakespeare.

***

SuperintendentSallyGreavesdidn’teven

attempttohideherfearwhensheopenedher
eyesandfoundmygunwedgedbetweenher
teeth.

“Goodmorning,sleepingbeauty.”

Shemumbledsomething,andImovedthe

gunfromhermouthandpressedittoher
forehead.

“How-Howthehelldidyougetin?”
ShehadaK100aninchfromherbrainand

shewascuriousastohowIinfiltratedherhome.
Shereallywascrazy.

“Please,”Iscoffed.Leaningintoherear,I

pressedthegunharderintoherskull.“They
teachusallsortsintheSIS,youknow.”

“YouthinkI’msupposedtobesurprisedby

that,Cole?”

“Notatall,Iwouldbedisappointedifyou

hadn’tdoneyourhomeworkonme.”

Sheglaredupatme,usinghereyesas

weapons.“Whatdoyouwant?”

“IwanteverythingyouhaveonNikolay

KuznetsovandYulianMarkoff.”

Hereyeswidened,andshehadthegallto

laugh.“TheBratvaboss?You’rekiddingme,
right?”

“DoIlooklikeI’mjoking?”
“Fuckyou!I’dratherdiefromabulletinmy

foreheadthangoagainsttheBratva!”

Itwasmyturntolaughthen.“Oh,whosaidI

wasgoingtokillyou?Nuh-uh.I’mgoingtomake
sureyougodownforavery,verylongtime.
And,”Ismirked,“You’llbeabletobecome
reacquaintedwitheverysinglewomanyou’ve

putinprison,Superintendent.”

“Youcunt!”shehissed.
“Getup!”
“Shootme!”shetaunted,shrugging.
“Ithoughtyou’drefusetoplay,”Imocked,

beforeshoutingovermyshoulder.“Jim!”

Jimmywalkedinwithanopenlaptopinhis

hands.“Morning,SuperintendentGreaves,”he
chirpedashesettledonthebedbesideher.

“I’llhaveyourbadgeforthis,Mathers.”
Jimmylaughed.“Idoubtit.”
SallyfrownedwhenJimmystartedworking

onhislaptop,thenturningthescreentowards
Sally,hewinked.“Welllookatthat,theforce
finallyfoundoutwhokilledPadraicFedorov.”

Sallyshookherhead,distressmakingher

tremblewhenshesawherownnameas
Padraic’sexecutorontheMET’scasefile.Give
Jimmyhisdue,heknewhisstuff.

“Ohdear,”Igrinned.“WhentheBratvafind

outitwasyouwhotookoutoneoftheirown,I
dreadtothinkwhatwillhappen.Iknowthey
haveaccesstoalltherecords,Greaves,andI
knowyou’reontheirpayroll.You’regoingdown
foraverylongtime.”

“Youcan’tdothis,youbastard.”
Clickingmytongue,Ipattedhercheek.“Or,if

youdon’tfancysharingacellwithabrutalbitch,
youcanjustgiveusaname.Ijustneedapointer

intherightdirection,andJimmyherecandelete
alltheevidencewehaveonyou,andthefact
thatyouassassinatedPadraic.”

“Ididn’tkillPadraicFedorov!”sheexclaimed.
Rollingmyeyesdramatically,Inodded.

“Well,weknowthat.ButMarkoffdoesn’t…yet.”

“Ipresumethisisoverthatwhoreofyours,”

shespatwithvenom.ShecriedoutwhenI
struckherwiththebuttofthegun.

“Watchyourmouth!”
Sallyclenchedherjaw,buthershoulders

saggedindefeat.“I’llmeetyouhalfway.”

Narrowingmyeyes,Ilookedather

dubiously.“Goon.”

Shehesitated,andIpressedtheguntoher

cheek.

“Iknowyou’relookingforLily’sbrother,”she

revealed,surprisingme.

Inoddedwithrespect.“Veryastute,

SuperintendentGreaves.”

SheglancedatJimmy.“You’renotascovert

asyouliketothink,Mathers.I’vebeen
monitoringyourloginsforawhilenow.”

“BacktoLily’sbrother.”Itappedthegunon

hertemple.“There’snorecordofhimafterhis
birth.”

“No,thereisn’t.That’sbecausetheBratva

madesuretodeletehimfromeverydocument.”

“Theyforgothisbirthrecord.”

“Hisbirthrecorddoesn’tmakeadifference.It

couldn’teverrevealwhoheis.”

“ButItakeityoudoknowwhoheis?”
Thesmuggrinonherfacehadmestiffening.

“Givemeaname,orIgiveMarkoffyours!”

Shechuckled,herarrogancemakingmy

triggerfingertwitch.“He’sbeenrightunder
yournoseallthistime,Cole.”

“Who!Dammit!”
Shewinkedatme.“Non-identicaltwins,

AnastasiaYaroslavandMaratYaroslavwere
borntoaRussianwoman,AnnaYaroslav,inthe
US.ShewastakingrefugefromtheRussian
Mafiaaftershe’drackedupaheroindebtwith
them.Shemanagedtofleethecountrybefore
theyhelduptheirpromisetotakeherlifeas
payment.Ofcourse,theBratvaboss,whowas
KirillVolkovatthetime,didn’tknowshewas
pregnant,andifhehad,thenhe’dhavecomeup
withamuchmorecreativewayofhurtingher
withoutharmingherbabies.”Shesnorted.“Kirill
wasalwaysasuckerforababy.”

“Getonwithit!”Ihissed,growingmore

frustratedbythesecond.

Sheglaredupatme.“AlthoughAnastasiawas

adoptedatbirth,Maratremainedinhismother’s
careuntilshediedfromanoverdosefouryears
later.”

“Thisisallveryinteresting,but…”

“AnastasiabecameLilyCooper.Andaged

seven,aftermovingfromcarehometocare
homeforthreeyears,Maratwasadoptedby
KirillafterhevisitedAmericatoscourchildren’s
homeformorekidsto‘save’.Itwasinoneof
thosehomesthathenoticedaquiet,withdrawn
littleboywhowascoweredinacornerafter
someoftheotherboyshadbeatenhim.Hewas
thengiventhenewnameofErikBarinov.”

Ifrowned,shakingmyheadatthename.

“Neverheardofhim.”

“Ofcourse,youhaven’t,”shelaughed.“That’s

becauseayearago,afternumerousattemptsto
ruinLily’slifefailed,hetookonanewidentityto
seekoutanddestroyhissisterpersonally.”

Iwasgrowingimpatient,andjustasIwas

abouttoforcethenamefromherwithaholein
herkneecap,sheleanedtowardsmeand
whisperedinmyear,“Erikwasrechristened
LiamBarnett.”

Thirty-eight

LILY

IwasstillinshockwhenLiampulleddowna

quietresidentialstreet.Icouldn’tbelievehow
hehadshotMarksocoldly.Onesplitsecond,
andhe’dtakenalife,withoutcareoreven
remorse.

“Why?”IfinallymanagedtoaskwhenLiam

steeredthecarintoadrivewayandparkedupat
therearofthehouse.“Why?”

Heturnedtomeandgavemeasoftsmile.

“Harrywillexplainitall.Comeon.”

Ipeeredapprehensivelyatthehouse.There

wasn’tanythingpeculiaraboutit,butifHarry
wasinside,thenwhyweren’tthereanylights
on?“Harry’sinthere?”

“Mm-hmm.”Liamnoddedbeforeheopened

thedoorandgotout.

MylegswerestillshakingwithshockwhenI

steppedoutofthecar,andifLiamhadn’tcome
aroundtomeI’dhavecrumbledtothefloor.

“It’sokay,”hesoothed,“It’snatural.There’s

somevodkainside.That’llsetyouright.”

“Afullbottle?”Iaskedinashakybreath.I’d

needalitreofthebloodystuffjusttoerasethe
imageoftheriverofbloodgushingdownMark’s
face.Somuchbloodfromsuchasmallhole.

Liamlaughedbutnodded.“Sure,poppet.”
Hesupportedmytremblingframeandledme

inside.Flickingonthelights,hemanoeuvredme
ontooneofthekitchenchairsandwentstraight
tothefreezer,producingalargebottleofvodka.

“Youthoughtahead,huh?”
Myhandsshookwhenhepassedmeafull

tumbler,andasIguidedittomymouthandtook
aheftyswallow,Ilookedaroundthesmall
kitchen.Itwasquitedatedandhadn’tappeared
toberenovatedsincethelateseventies.The
largebrownflowersonthemustardcoloured
tileswereatestimonytothat.

“Isthisyourgrandparent’shouse?”
Hegrabbedabottleofwhiskyoffthesideand

satdownnexttome,alsopouringhimselfa
largemeasure,andchuckled.“No.It’safriend’s
house.”

Inodded,takinganotherdrink.“Yousaid

Harrywashere.”

“No,Isaidhe’dmeetushere.”
Hewaslying.Notamomentago,outside,

whenIhadaskedifHarrywasinside,he’d
replied,‘Mm-hmm.’

Anotherrecollectionofourconversationat

thepicnicsitewhistledthroughmymind.

“Harrysentmetofetchyou.He’sfound

somethingfromthenote.I’mtotakeyoubackto
hisimmediately.”

Thismostcertainlywasn’tHarry’shouse.
“What’sgoingon,Liam?”

Heblewoutalongbreathandstaredstraight

atme.“Harryfoundwhosentyouthatnote.”

“Buthethoughtitwasjustfromafan,

practicaljokekindathing.”Iwasabouttotake
anotherdrinkofvodkawhensomething
occurredtome.ImademyselfretraceLiam’s
stepswhenwe’dentered.Hehadsatmedown
thenhadpulledthebottlefromthefreezer.I
glancedatthebottle,apartfromthemeasure
he’dpouredme,thebottlewasfull-Yet,Ihadn’t
heardthegratingofthesealbreakingwhenhe
openedit.

Placingmyglassdown,Igulpedbackthe

panicandlevellyasked,“Oh,really?Howlong
beforehegetsheredoyouthink?”

Heshrugged.“Notsure,butIcanpromise

thathe’llbehereveryshortly.”

Inodded.“Howcanyoubesosure?”
Heglancedatme,andthelickofamusement

inhiseyestoldmeheknewI’dcottonedonthat
somethingwasn’tright.“Oh,I’mquitepositive.
See,”hewaggledhiseyebrowsatme.“Ihave
somethingsthatbelongtohim,andIhaveno
doubthe’llwantthemback.”

Mythroatwasstartingtoclosein,andI

forcedthelumpoffearbackdownintomychest.
“Really,what’sthat?”

Surprisingme,hestoodupandheldhishand

outformetotake.“Comeon,I’llshowyou.”

IstumbledonshakylegsasIfollowedhim

alongahallwayandupthestaircase.Myheart
wasgoingcrazyandmakingeachadrenalised
stepItookaneffort.

Liampausedatadoorandturnedtome.“I

thoughtwecouldhaveaparty.”

Ifrowned,unsurewhetherhewasinsaneor

not.

Andwhenheopenedthedoor,Irealised,that

infact,LiamBarnettwasindeedcrazy.

Thirty-nine

LILY

PhillywhimperedwhenIrushedovertoher.

Hertinyfacewastear-streaked,andherlittle
bodytrembled.

“Areyouokay?”IaskedTammywhowas

boundtoachairbyawidthofropearoundher
midriff.Herhandssatinherlap,andshestuck
upathumbandnodded,unabletoverbally
answerduetothegagthatwasstuffedintoher
mouth.

PhillywastiedinthesamewayandIspun

aroundandglaredatLiam.“She’sachild!”

Heshrugged,hisexpressioncoldandfullof

hatred.“Itiseasiertobuildstrongchildrenthan
torepairbrokenmen.”

“Willyouquitwiththefuckingquotes!”
PhillycriedoutwhenLiamsnatchedmeby

thehairanddraggedmeacrosstheroom,
throwingmeagainstthecornerofthewall.
Spittlesprayedmyfacewhenhebroughthis
faceclosetomineandspat,“Fromnowonyou
speakonlywhenIallowit!”

“Fuckyou!”Ibitoutdefiantly.
Overwhelmingpaintorethroughmewhen

hisbootedfootsplinteredoneofmyribs.I
doubledover,wrappingmyselfinmyarmslike
itwouldstoptheagony.

Phillywassobbing,herterrifiedeyesgluedto

me.Movingmyhands,ItoldherIwasokay,but
itdidn’tlessenherloudmuffledcries.

Liamliftedachairandplaceditinfrontof

me.Sittingdown,hecrossedhisanklesandsat
back,regardingme.“Youknow,you’renothing
likeIexpected.”

“When’sHarrygettinghere?”
Hescowledatmyquery,displeasedthatIhad

ignoredhisremark.“WhenI’mgoodandready
tolethimknowwhereyouare.Ithoughtwe
shouldgettoknowoneanotherbeforeI
summonhim.”

“Summonhim?”Iscoffed.“Whothefuckdo

youthinkyouare?God?”Whycouldn’tIjustshut
thehellup?

HisfistconnectedwithmycheekbeforeIhad

thechancetomove.Painrupturedacrossmy
face,andIknewhe’dbrokenmycheekbone.I’d
havenobonesleftatthisrate,soIwiselyshut
up.

“Yes,whenIsummonhim.Ihaveafew

friendswaitingtogivehimanicewarm
welcome.”Hissinistergrinhadthebreathinmy
lungsexplodingoutofmeinachokedcry.

“Liam…No,please!”Terrorforceddread

throughmyveins,andmyheartbeganto
stampede,makingmelightheaded.

“ThenIsuggestyoushutthefuckup.”He

pulledouthisphone,andhittingafewbuttons,

heturnedthescreenmyway.Harry’snamewas
displayed,andIshookmyheadwhenhisfinger
hoveredoverthecallicon.“Allittakesisone
callandIalertmyfriendstoHarry’sarrival.”

“I’llbequiet.Ipromise,”Iassuredhim

quickly.Thepaininmycheekworsenedwith
eachwordIspoke,andIpressedmyhandtomy
facelikeitwouldrelievethethrob.Shuttingup
wasdefinitelythebetteridea,formorethanone
reason.

“Now,”Liamsatbackonceagain.“Where

werewe?”

Iremainedsilent,andseemingtoapproveof

mymutedtongue,Liamgrinnedandnoddedat
me.“Goodgirl.Now,Ithinkit’sanappropriate
timetointroducemyselfproperly.”

Irearedbackwhenhestuckhishandout.

“ErikBarinov.Pleasedtomeetyou,Anastasia.”

Ifrowned,shakingmyhead.“Anastasia?”I

winced,expectinganotherpunchintheface,but
apparently,itwasokaytoconversenow.

“YourrealnameisAnastasiaYaroslav.”
Stunned,Igasped.“I’mRussian?”
Henodded,smiling–itwasquitecreepy.

“Yes.OurmotherwasAnnaYaroslav.”

Icouldn’tmakemymouthmove.Mybrain

frozeinshockashiswordsplayedonrepeatin
myhead.‘Ourmother.’‘Ourmother.’

Hechuckled,liftinghislegandsupportinghis

ankleonhisknee.“That’sright,Anastasia,we’re
siblings.Twinstobemorespecific.Notidentical
ofcourse.”

“But,ifI’myoursisterthenwhyareyou

tryingtohurtme?”

Hestaredatmeincredulously,asifI’dsaid

somethinginsanelyridiculous.Scoffing,he
shookhisheadandleanedforward,restinghis
elbowsonhisknees.Iscurriedbackfurtherinto
thewalllikeitwouldprotectme.

“Haveyouanyideawhatmychildhoodwas

like,Anastasia?”Iwishedhe’dstopcallingme
that!Itseemedthathisquestionwasrhetorical
becausehedidn’twaitformetoanswer.“Up
untiltheageoffour,Iwasbeatenonadaily
basisbyourwhoreofamother’spimps!”

Thecalculatingcoldnessinhiseyesvanished

andstaringbackatmewasatimid,frightened
littleboy.

“I’msorry.”
“Hmm,”hemumbled.“Andwhenshefinally

gotitrightandsucceededinkillingherselfafter
numerousbodgedattempts,Iwasthenshifted
fromonechildren’shometoanother.Seven,in
fact.”

“Liam…”
Phillyscreamedaroundhergag,herbody

thrashingwhenLiam’sfingersencircledmy
throatandhesqueezedhard.“MynameisErik!

Don’tbeabitchandplaynice!”

TheforceonmywindpipewassosevereI

couldfeelmyAdam’sapplecrushunderthe
strengthofhim.

“What’smyname,Anastasia?”Iwantedto

screamathimthatmynamewasLilybut
decidedagainstitwhenheremovedhisholdon
me.Icoughed,splutteringasmylungsgulped
foroxygen.

“Erik,”Irasped,stillstrugglingtocopewith

thesuppressionofmythroat.

Henoddedsharplyandstoodup.“Better!”
Whenhebeganpacingtheroom,Iglancedat

Philly,checkingonheraftershehadquietened
down.ButIdidn’tseeherface.Mygazezeroed
inonalocketthathungaroundherneckfroma
simplesilverchain.Itrestedagainstherchest,
andthethreetinydiamondsinthecentre
sparkledeveninthedimlight.

LiftingmyeyestohersIgainedherattention,

anddeftlymovedmyhands.“Whogaveyouthe
locket,Philly?”

ShewatchedLiamuntilheturnedhisbackon

hertofacemeagain.

“Daddy,”shesignedback.
MyheartratespedupasIdroppedmyeyes

backtothelocket.Surelynot?Yet,Iknew.
Harrisonwasfiercelyprotectiveofhisfamily,
especiallyhisdaughter.

IsnappedmyeyesbacktoLiamwhenhe

droppedtoacrouchbeforeme.“WhenPadraic
tookyou,IwantedyoutofeelsomeofthepainI
wentthroughatsixyearsold,Anastasia!”

“Idon’tunderstand.”
“Ofcourse,youdon’t!Youhaditall,didn’t

you!Afamilythatprotectedyouandlovedyou!
Yoursweetinnocence.Well,therewasnothing
virtuousaboutmychildhood.Innocencewas
rapedfrommetimeandtimeagain.”

Iforcedbackthebile,instinctivelypressing

myhandtomymouthindisgust.“Oh,God.I’m…”
Tearsburnedmyeyes,andalthoughIhatedthis
manwitheverythinginsideme,ashredof
horrormademepityhim.Itwasevidentthat
Liamblamedmeforwhathadhappenedtohim
asachild,andifIwashonest,Icouldunderstand
thebitterhatredinsidehim.Butthatdidn’t
makeitmyfault.Yet,hewassofargonenow
thatheneededtolayhisdemonstorest,andI
wastheonlyoneleftthatcouldallowhimtodo
that,ascrazyasitwas.

Hescoffedandsatbackinthechair.“Yourlife

wassofuckingeasy!Untaintedandperfect.Why
youandnotme,huh?Whythefuckdidn’tsheput
meupforadoption?”

“Idon’t…Idon’tknow!”
“Thestupidbitch.Shefiguredshe’dneed

someonetofeedherfixes,that’swhy!Sheonly

keptmebecauseIwouldbeanassettoherina
wayyounevercouldbe.”HegrinnedatmeandI
begantoworry.“KirillVolkovfoundme.And
finally,Ihadafamily,Anastasia.”

Allheadsturnedwhenthedooropened,and

amanwalkedin.Hewashuge,toweringsohigh
hehadtoduckunderthedoorframewhenhe
entered.

“This,”Liamwenttostandneartheman.“is

YulianMarkoff.”

Ishrugged.IfIwassupposedtoknowwhohe

wasthenLiamwouldbedisappointedinmeyet
again.

“Yulian,”Liamwentontosay,“Istheheadof

theRussianMafia,Anastasia.Myfamily.”

Theroomwhooshedatme.Terrorslidinto

everyfibreofme,andIslumpedbackindefeat.
TherewasnowayHarrisonwouldsurvive
againstthesebastards.TheBratvawas
notoriousforbeingmerciless.

Yulianstrodeacrosstheroomtome,andI

criedoutwhenheyankedmeuprightbymy
hair.Whythehairallthedamntime?“Familyis
everythingtotheBratva,Anastasia,”hespokein
athickaccent,butIunderstoodeveryvicious
wordperfectly.“Familymeansnoonegetsleft
behindorforgotten.LikeyouforgotErik!”

Iwincedwhenhisgriponmyhairtightened

andmyhairfolliclesshrankbackatthepain.

“Everysinglebrotherthatisembracedinto

myfamilybecomeprotectedfromtheworld
itself.Therearenolimitationsontheamountof
provisioneachrequires,includingobtaining
theirrevenge.”

Liamgrinnedhappily.“So,yousee,whose

familyoutweighswhose?”

Hewascrazy,completelyshiftedintothe

realmsofinsanity.

Yulianfinallyreleasedhisgriponmyhair

andIcrumbledtothefloor,buthedidn’tmove
awayfromme,justlookeddownatmeas
thoughIwassomethinghehadtroddenin.

Liamsighedasifcontentandsmirkedatme.

“Howwe’vecomefullcircle,dearsister.”

Forafleetingmoment,Imovedmyeyesfrom

him.Aflashofashadowinthehallwayhadme
stiffening.Yulianhadleftthedooropenand,
althoughthefaintlightthatcamefromasingle
gloomybulbprovidedlittleinthewayofsight,I
knewI’dseenit.

WhenLiammoved,turningtowardsthedoor,

Icriedout,makingsureIgothisfullattention.
“Youdon’tdeserveafamily,Liam!”

ItallhappenedsoquickIwasn’tquitesure

actuallyhowithappened.

Inthetimeittookmetoblink,Harrisonhad

anarmaroundLiam’sneck,hisgunpressedto
histemple,andYulianhadmeupright,securing

mybacktohisfrontwithastrongarmaround
meandabladepressedagainstmyjugular.

“Stalemate,Cole,”Yuliandrawledashe

pressedtheknifedeeperintomythroat,nicking
myskin.“Although,I’mimpressedyoumanaged
togetpastmymen.”

“It’snotonlyyouthathasfriendsinhigh

places,Markoff.”

Harrisoncastmeahastyglance,checkingI

wasokay,beforesecuringhisconcentration
backtomycaptor.

“Hmm,”Yulianmused.“ButI’mcertainthis

littleoneissomewhatimportanttoyou,no?”

Iwhimperedwhenhetrailedthetipofthe

knifedownmythroatandalongmycollarbone,
myskinpartiallysplittingunderthedelicate
drawofhishand.Hestoppedatthespaghetti
strapsofmydressandwithaswiftflickofthe
knife,heseveredthethinribbonsofmaterial,
andmydressfelltomyfeet.

“My,howshe’saprettyone.”Igaggedwhen

hedraggedhistongueupmycheekandpressed
awetkisstomyear.“Itwouldbeashameto
devastatesuchbeauty.”

Harrisontookasidestep,Liamstillunderthe

forceofhisgun.Yulianrespondedthesame,
movingustotheright.

“Well,”Harrisonclickedhistongueand

sighed.“See,there’ssomethingneitherofyouis

uptospeedon.”

IfeltYulianstiffen,buthedidn’totherwise

showanyreactiontoHarrison’sdeclaration.

“Whenmyfriendstartedlookingintothe

quoteyousentLily.Youknowtheone,‘Family
meansnoonegetsleftbehindorforgotten’,he
founditoriginatedwithyourelder,Kirill
Volkov.”

“Kirillwasahugebelieverinfamily,Cole.He

wastheonewhoinstilledintoeverybrotherthe
importanceofbrotherhoodkin.”

“Oh,Iknowthat,”Harrisonvalidatedhis

beliefwithanodashetookanotherstep
sideways,forcingYuliantotakeanother.We
wereslowlymovingtowardstheoppositeside
oftheroom.“Iknowthatfamilyiseverythingto
theBratva,”Harrisoncontinued.“And,well,
whenwehauledthroughthebirthrecordsof
bothLilyandErikwefoundthatyourelderhad
deletedanythingofErik’sexistencefrom
thereonin.”

“Wedothatwithallofournewbrothers,”

Yulianaffirmed,movingusfurtheraroundthe
roomwhenHarrisontookanothersteptowards
us.“Theirpastisnolongerrelevanttothem.It’s
thefuturethatisimportant.”

“Oh,Iknowthataswell,”Harrisonprofessed.

“Butsee,Kirillshouldhavepersonallytakenit
uponhimselftoeraseallErik’srecords,instead

ofdelegatingitto‘TheCreator’.Thatiswhathe’s
called,isn’tit,TheCreator?”

Ididn’tgetwhatHarrisonwasimplying,but

whenhemovedcloser,promptingYuliantotake
anotherstep,Iunderstoodpreciselywhathe
wasdoing.

“Yes.He’sthebrotherwhocreatesnew

documentsanderasesallpreviousones.I’m
unsureastowhereyouareheadedwiththis,
Cole.Dohurryup,Ihaveagirltosliceup,and
I’mgrowingimpatient.”

“Oh,I’mgettingthere,”Harrisonstated,

throwingmeaswift,meaningfullook.

Iglimpsedsideways,checkingourlocationin

theroom,andnoddedsubtly.

“So,”Harrisonclearedhisthroat.“Tothe

point.Yes.SeeifKirillhadpersonallytakenthe
timetoobtainErik’sdocumentationhewould
havetakenadeepinterestinLilyandErik’s
birthmother.”

Onceagain,IfeltYulianstiffen,andLiam

frowned.

“Myguylookedalittlefurtherbackthanthe

birthrecords,Markoff.”Myheartstilledwhen
Harrisonsmirked.“Aroundsevenmonthsbefore
theirbirth,infact.WhenAnnaYaroslavfirst
soughtoutshelterinoneofDetroit’swomen’s
refuges.”

Liamfroze.“Whatareyousaying,Cole?”

“Anna,tobeallowedtoremaininthe

country,hadtogiveanaccountofwhyshe
fearedforherlifeifshewasdeportedbackto
Russia.”Harrisontuttedandscowledalmost
theatricallyatYulian.“Well,yourCreatorshould
havecheckedthoserecordstoobecauseAnna
revealedexactlywhyshecouldn’treturn.”

“Why?”IaskedbeforeIcouldstopmyself.
Harrison’sgazeflickedtome,andhesmiled

softly.“AnnaYaroslavwasthesecretloverof
KirillVolkov.”

“No!”Yulianshookhishead.Hishand

trembledandtheknifevibratedovermyskin.

“Oh,yeah.”Harrisonnodded.“Whenshe

foundoutshewaspregnant,AnnafledRussia.
Sheknewthatherchildren’sliveswere
predestinedtoanexistenceofsufferingand
miseryundertheoppressionKirillcalledfamily.
TheUSembassyconcoctedthestorythatAnna
owedtheBratvaadebtbecauseeventheyknew
thatifKirillweretoeverfindoutabouthis
childrenthathewouldwreakhavocinhis
missiontotakebackhisonlybloodrelatives.
Andalthoughtheembassydidtheirbestto
destroyalldocumentationrelatingtoAnna’s
residency,toprotectherandherunbornbabies,
theyoverlookedtheonethatwasburieddeepin
therefugeAnnafirstfoundshelterin.”

Harrisonmovedagain,coaxingYulianand

mefurthertotheright.

“Family,huh,Markoff,”Harrisonscoffed.

“Youhaveyourknifepressedagainstthethroat
ofthebloodheirtotheBratvaempire!”

Yulianstartedbreathingfunnyandhishand

shookharder.“You’relying!”

Liamseemedtobefrozeninashocked

stupor.IhadmyfullattentiononHarrison,
readyandwaiting.Myheartwasthuddingso
hardIwasunsureastowhynoonehearditin
theacutesilencethathaddescendedlikesmog
aroundus.

Harrisonfinallysnappedhiseyestome.The

darkmagnitudeofblueinthedepthsofhis
penetratingstareconveyedtomeastoryI
alreadyknewtheendingto.“Allclear,Lily?”

Blowingoutaslow,silentbreath,Ilockedhis

gazeandnoddedsharply.“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

WhenHarrisontookhisfinalstepsideways,

forcingYulianandmetotakeonemorestepto
theright,directlyinfrontofthewindow,I
closedmyeyes,andIprayedtoaGodI’dnever
askedanythingofbefore.

Rammingmyelbowbackwards,diggingit

intoYulian’sribsandtakinghimbysurprise,I
droppedtothefloorwhenhisholdonme
loosened.

Hewasdownbesidemewithinasplit-

second,hislarge,deadeyesstaringatme

blankly.Thebulletthathadflowninthroughthe
window,explodingthroughthebackofhisskull
andshatteringhisbrain,exitedthroughhis
foreheadandembeddeditselfintothewall
whereHarrisonhadbeenstoodnotmoments
before.

Theroomwasinstantaneouslyswamped

withamassofarmedmen,theirshoutsand
barkeddirectivesdistortedbythehuminmy
ears.

Theviolentshakestartedinthemarrowof

mybonesandrapidlyextendedthroughevery
singlemuscle,dispersingthroughoutmy
bloodstream,anddetonatingoutofmein
convulsionssointenseIthoughtIwashavinga
seizure.

“I’vegotyou,”Harrisonurgedasheheldonto

mesotightlyIwasjerkingbothofusacrossthe
floor.“I’vegotyou,Lily.It’sover.It’sover,baby.”

“It’sover,”Irepeatedonaloop.“It’sover.It’s

over.It’sover.”

Itwasn’tuntilsomeoneslidasyringeintomy

veinandtookmeawayfrommynightmarethat
Ifinallybelievedit.

Itwasover.

Forty

HARRISON

“Rest,”Iorderedsoftly,lightlypressingLily’s

headback,soitrestedontheheadofthebath.
Steamswirledaroundus,andthegentleflicker
ofthecandlesI’dplacedaroundthebathroom
providedatranquilambience.ExactlywhatLily
needed.

“Whathappensnow?”sheaskedwithout

openinghereyes.

Dippingthespongeunderthelayerof

bubbles,Icollectedmorehotwaterand
proceededtodribbleitoverhershoulders.
Insaneangerbubbledinmygutwhenthetrack
ofYulian’sknifedownthecentreofherthroat
glaredatme.

“Nothing.”
Shepeekedatmethroughoneeye.“The

Bratva,Harry.Theywon’tleavemebenow.”

“Relax,”Ireiterated.“Thereisonlyyouand

me,andmyfriend,whoknowswhoyoureally
are.”

WhenDean’smenhadswarmedthehouse,

Liamhadstupidlydrawnonthem.Hewasdead
beforeheevenraisedhisgun.Althoughthis
meantLily’ssecretwasnowbetweenonlyus,it
stillmademeanxiousforherfuture.Being
involvedwiththeRussianMafiawasn’tanything
tobetakenlightly,especiallyifwhatran

throughyourveinsmadeyoutheBratvaQueen.

“Unlessyoufancydabblinginabitof

organisedcrime,thatis,”Ijoked.

Sheopenedbotheyesandsmirked,“Well,I

figureditmightbefun.Youcanplaythecopand
I’mthebadguy.”

“Hmm,roleplay,huh?Dirtygirl!”
Shegrinnedatme.“AtleastIhaveagenuine

reasonwhyIlovevodkasomuchnow.”

“BeingRussiandoesn’tgiveyouanexcuse,

Lily.”Ilaughedathersillyreasoning.“Butnice
try.”

ShesighedcontentedlywhenIlightlywiped

herfacewithacloth.Thepurplebruiseonher
cheekwouldfade,butIwasn’tsosureaboutthe
scarsinhersoul.

“Youknow,it’sagoodjobPhillydoesn’t

discardherjewelleryattherateyoudo,orI’d
neverhavefoundyou.”

Bitingherlip,shegavemeaguiltylook.“It

wasbecauseofthebanglethatLiamfoundme,
butIamsorry.”

“Youwereprovingapoint,”Iscowled,

frustratedatherdatewithMark.

“Yes,Iwas.Youhurtme,Harry.”
Inoddedandsighed.“Iknow.Butyouhaveto

understand,IamnotinarelationshipwithAnn.
Yes,Ishouldhavetoldyouaboutthepregnancy,
buttherewassomuchgoingoninyourlifethatI

didn’twanttoaddtoit.”

Sheshruggedbutfinallysmiled.“Iknow.Just

nomoresecrets.”

“Nomoresecrets,”Iagreed.
“Youknow,weshoulddothismoreoften.”

SherelaxedbackonceagainwhenIlatheredup
thespongeandranitacrosshershouldersand
overherchest.“Youmakeanexcellentslave,Mr
Cole.”

Grippingherchininmyfingers,Iturnedher

head,soshewasfacingme.“Ithinkyouhave
thisrolereversalthewrongwayaround,Miss
Cooper.”Ifrownedatthetwistinmychestwhen
Icalledherbyhername.Shewassoutterly
beautiful,bothinsideandout.Iknew,inthat
moment,thatIwouldprotectheraslongasI
drewbreath.Iwantedtowrapherincotton
woolandprotectherfromthiscruelworld,butI
knew,thestubbornwomanshewas,thatwould
beimpossible.

“Marryme.”Itwasoutofmymouthbefore

mybrainevenhadachancetoprocessthe
thought.

Webothstaredwide-eyedateachother,both

ofusnotentirelysurewe’dheardthewords
correctly.

“What?”
Shruggingatmyowndoubts,Ichuckled,

unabletoholdbacktheexcitement.“SolongasI

breathe,Iwillshelteryoufromthismerciless
life,Lily.I’llliftyouupwitheveryfuckinghurdle
youhavetoleapover.I’llholdyourhand
throughthebadtimes,andI’llcaressevery
momentofperfectionthisworldcanofferyou.I
wanttocelebratewithyou,Iwanttocrywith
you,andIwanttoshareeverysingleminuteof
thetimeIhaveleftwithyou.”

“Thereitisagain,”shechokedout,her

beautifuleyesglisteninginthesoftlight.

“What?”
“Thesideofyouthatneverceasestoastound

me.”

Sheblewoutabreathandsatup,thesloshing

watertheonlysoundinthesilence.Icouldn’t
daretohopewhenshecuppedherhandonmy
cheek.Hersoftgazeadoredmewiththewayshe
lookedatme,andwhenasmallsmileliftedher
perfectlips,Ifeltmysoulleap.“Yes,MrCole.”

“Yes?”
“Yes.”
Crushinghermouthundermine,shegasped

whenIpulledheroverthesideofthebath,
tumblingusbothtothebathroomfloor.

“Mybloodyribs,youoaf!”shegrumbled

undermykiss.

“Oh,shutup,you’reatoughbird.”
“Howfuckingrude!”Shescowledatme.
Ichuckleddarkly.“Oh,why,dearfiancé,you

havenoideahowfuckingrudeIcanbe.”

Quirkinganeyebrow,shepokedmeinthe

chest.“Thenyouneedtoshowme.”

“Isthatachallenge?”
“Mm-hmm,”shenoddedslowly.
Scoopingherintomyarms,Icarriedher

acrossthehallwaytomybedroomandlaidher
onthebed,mindfulofeverysinglebruisethat
didnothingtomarherexquisitebeauty.

ShewatchedmeasIremovedmyclothes.

Thewayshebitherlipandhereyesblazedwith
greed,hadmehurrying.

Gentlyturningherover,Ipushedather

knees,soshewasonallfours,andbeforeshe
couldfightme,Irimmedherasswithmytongue.
“Ithinkit’sabouttimeIpossessedallofyou,Lily
Cooper.”

“Eh?”
Istifledalaughanddidn’texplainmyself

furtherasIreachedintothebedsidedrawerand
grabbedatubeoflube.

“Oh,fuck!”shemumbledwhenItickledher

clitwiththetipofmytongue.

Sherolledherhips,manoeuvringmymouth

towhereshewanted.Icouldn’thelpbutsmirk
atherbrazenness.She’dlearn.

“Harry!”ShepantedwhenIslowlydippeda

fingerinsideher.ShewassowetIcouldn’tresist
plungingmytongueinsidetotasteher,but,she

joltedwhen,applyingaliberalamountoflubeto
myfinger,Iteasedherarse.“Relax,baby.Iwon’t
hurtyou.”

“Willit…willitfeelgood?”
“Sogood,”Ipromised.
“Okay,”shewhisperedasIturnedheraround

tofaceme.

“Let’sdothistheeasyway.”Layingback,I

smearedmycockwithmorelubeandmotioned
forhertostraddleme.DutifullyshedidasIbid
andrestedeachthigheithersideofme.Locking
hergazewithmine,Ismiledtoencourageher.
“Whateverfeelsright,baby.”

Shenodded,but,grabbingmycock,she

positioneditperfectlyagainstherass.

“Slowly,Lily.”
Lockingmygaze,sheloweredherselfonto

meinchbyinch.“Oh,Jesus.Fuck,”shemuttered
asshesankdown.

Ihadtopiercemylipwithmyteethathow

tightshewas.Iwasn’tgoingtolast,butIhadto
makethisfeelgoodforher,sosittingupright,I
circledhernipplewithmytongue,teasingher
sensessoshecouldfocusonsomethingother
thanthepain.

Graduallyshestartedtomoveonme.Her

featuresweretight,andIwatchedheras
pleasurebegantooverridethepain.

“OhmyGod,”shegrowled,speedingup.She

rodemeharder,chasingherorgasmashernails
dugintomychest.Shewashungryforpleasure,
almostsavageinthewayshetookme.

Theecstasyinhereyeshadmemeetingevery

plungewithanupwardthrust,fillingherand
stretchingherwide.Iknew,aslongasIlived,
thatthiswoman,andthewayshelookedatme
rightnow,wouldbetheaxisofmyworld.She
wouldbebesidemethroughthickandthinand
holdmyhandforeverythinglifethrewatus.

“Harry!”Shecriedoutasherclimaxtook

overeveryfibreofhergloriousbodyandshe
convulsedaroundme.

Clutchingher,Ijoinedhereuphoriaandspilt

intoher,oursynchronisedbreathingjoiningus
togetherinadifferentway.

“Bloodyhell,”shegasped.Shelookedatme

withsomuchemotionthatIwonderedifI’dhurt
her.

“Youokay,Lily?”Iasked,worriedbytheway

shestaredatmeincredulously.

Herfeaturesrelaxed,andshesmiledatme

withsomuchadoration,Isworemysoulgot
downonitskneesandworshippedher.

Runningthetipofherfingerdownthelength

ofmynose,shepressedherforeheadtomine.
Shedidn’thavetosayanything,itwasright
thereinhergaze,butasalways,shereplied,
“Aye,aye,Cap’n.”

Epilogue

LILY

12MONTHSLATER

“Ithinkhelookslikeme,”Bosscommented,

peeringthoughtfullyatJaxJnr,mythree-day-old
son.

“Thefuck?”DadstaredatBosslikehehada

screwloose-strikethat,BossDIDhaveascrew
loose.

“What,”Bulksnorted,gazingoverBoss’

shoulder.“Baldandwrinklywithnoteeth?”

“Hey!”BossstaredatBulk,offended.
“Ignorethem,babe,”MumsaidtoBossasshe

kissedhischeekthentookJaxJnrfromhim,
cradlinghergrandsoninherarms.

“LeastI’mnotagrandad!”Bosssmirkedat

Dad.

“Bestfeelingintheworld,man,”myfather

smiledproudly,takinghisgrandsoninhisarms.

Harrisoncameupbehindme,wrappinghis

armsaroundme.“He’sgorgeous,justlikehis
mother.”

“Smoothtalker,”Ismirkedathimovermy

shoulder.

“Butatruthfulsmoothtalker.”
Myhomewasfilledwithamassofcards,

flowersandgiftsfromQuantumfans,anditwas

difficulttofindaspacetoaccommodatemy
family.Ofcourse,Harrisonhadcheckedevery
parcelforbombs,andalthoughIhadlaughedat
himatthetime,Isecretlylovedhimevenmore
forhisfierceneedtoprotecthisfamily.

AlongsideHarrisonandAnn’sbaby,Alexia,

Phillywasoverfortheweekend,andthehouse
filledwiththehappysoundofherexcited
squealsasRomeoandhispartner,Noel,chased
heraround.

Allinall,lifewasnearlyperfect.Nearly.
Knightsmiledatmeandheldouthishandfor

metotake,“Youready,Lil?”

Takingadeepbreath,Inoddedandslipped

myhandintohis.“It’stime.”

“Iloveyou,”Harrisonwhisperedasheplaced

atenderkissonmyforehead.“andI’msoproud
ofyou.”

“Ihaven’tdoneityet,”Ilaughed.
“Iknow,butyouwill.”
“Iwill,”Ipromisedhim.
Trailingthetipofhisnosedownmine,he

softlyplacedakissagainstmylips.“Allclear,
Lily?”

Framingmyhusband’sfaceinmyhands,I

lookedintotheswirlofbluethattoldmeofhis
loveeverysecondofeveryday,“Aye,aye,
Cap’n.”

Knightledmeout,andIclimbedintohiscar.

Heheldmyhandthroughoutthewholeofthe
shortjourney,occasionallylettinggotochange
gear,andchattedaboutinsignificantthingsas
theworldspedby.

Pullingintoacarpark,hecamearoundand

openedmydoor,makingmelaugh.“I’mokay,
Knight.”

“Doyouwantmetocomein?”
“Thankyou,butno.ThisissomethingIhave

todobymyself.”

Henodded,completelyunderstanding.“I’llbe

rightherewhenyou’redone.”

Ihadnodoubtthathewouldberightthere

formeforaverylongtime.

Takingtheonlyseatleft,Isatdownand

startedtopickatmynails.

“Wouldyouliketostart?”
Ilookedup,andeveryonesatpatiently

waitingforme.

Clearingmythroat,Istoodupandsurveyed

thecircleoftotalstrangersthatwouldsoon
becomemypillarsofsupport.

“MynameisLilyCole,andithasbeen

thirteendayssinceIlastcut….”

THEEND

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