UntilNovember

AuroraRoseReynolds

Copyright2013AuroraRoseReynolds

EditedbyFinal-Edits.com

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,
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retrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwriting.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’s
imaginationorareusedfactiously,andanyresemblancetoanyactualpersonsorlivingordead,events
orlocalsareentirelycoincidental.

Theauthoracknowledgesthetrademarkstatusandtrademarkownersofvariousproductsreferencedin
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Allrightsreserved.

Contents

Chapter1

Chapter2

Chapter3

Chapter4

Chapter5

Chapter6

Chapter7

Chapter8

Chapter9

Chapter10

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Abouttheauthor

BonusExcerptofUntilTrevor

Chapter1

Walkingintothelobbyofthehotel,thewarmairhitsmeintheface.It’sOctoberandIcanalreadytell
thatwinterisgoingtoberough.Theladybehindthecounterlooksupfromhercomputerwithalookof
shockonherface.Ican’tblameher.IlooklikeIfeelwhichiscrap.

“Oh,honeyareyouokay?”sheasks.Ihatethatquestion.

“I'mfine.”Itrytosmile.“Ineedaroom.Somethingthat’sdogfriendly,ifyouhaveit.”

“Ofcourse,”shesays,lookingbackdownathercomputerandtyping.“Howmanynights?”

“Justone.”Ileanonthecounter,feelingtheexhaustionofthelastfewdayscatchinguptome.

“Room312isdogfriendly.Youjusttaketheelevatortothethirdfloorandtakearight.Itwillbe
seventyforthenightandafiftydollardepositforthedog.”

Ihandovermycard.Waitingforhertofinishcheckingusin,Ilookdownatmynewcompanion.I
can’tbelievethathesavedmylife.

FromwhatIcanremember,Iwasattackedandhecameoutofnowhere,jumpingontheguyattacking
me.Thecopssaidthatifitwasn’tforhim,Iprobablywouldhavebeenkilledorinacoma.Instead,I
justhadaconcussion,twobrokenribsandasprainedwrist.

BeastwasthefirstthingIsawwhenIwokeupinthatalleywiththesmellofgarbageandurineall
aroundme.IthoughtIwasdeaduntilIheardwhiningandfeltawarm,wettonguemoveacrossmy
face.Iopenedmyeyestoseeahugefacelookingdownonmelikesomekindofdoggieangel.He
stayedatmysidewhileIgatheredmystrengthtogetup.Henever,evenwhenIstumbledintothe
apartmenttocallthepolice.Hewasmyownpersonalguardianthrougheverymoment.

“Hereyougo,honey,”shesays,handingmetheroomcard.“Theelevatorisrightdownthathall.”She
pointstotheleft.

“Thanks,”Imumble,readytogetintobed.

“Iknowthatit’snoneofmybusiness,”shesaysandIstoptolookather.“Ihopethatyouwereableto
getinafewlicksbeforeyoulefthisass.”

“It’snotwhatitlookslike.”Ismileandshakemyhead.

“Mmmhumm,honey.Ifyousayso.”

Idon’thaveitinmetoarguewithhersoIjustletitgoandsmile.“Comeon,boy.”IdragBeastalong
withmetowardstheelevatorwhiletryingtocarrymybag.“Youcansmelleverythinginthemorning
whenI'mnotsotired,”Isaythroughayawnwhilepullinghimbehindme.

Whenwefinallyreachourroom,I'moverwhelmedbythesmellofdogurine.Iwonderedwhytheytake
fiftydollarsiftheywereobviouslynotusingittogetthesmelloutofthecarpet.I’mtootiredatthis
pointtocareandjusthappytohaveabed.Wecouldsleepinmycarbutwithallofmystuffstuffedin
it,there’snotalotofroom.ItakeBeast’sleashoffandgotothebathroom,carryingmybagwithme.

Afterbrushingmyteethandwashingmyface,Ilookinthemirrorandcringe.Ilooklikeacow.My
faceisblackandblue,mygreeneyesareredandpuffy,myupperlipiscut,andIhavesomanybruises
thatevenmyhairhurts.Ipulloffmyjeans,sweaterandbrabutkeeponmytanktopandpantiesthen
crawlintobed.Leaningover,Iturnoffthelight.Twosecondslater,IfeelthebedbouncewithBeast’s
hugebodyashecurlsintome.AndthenI'mout.

Thesunisshiningthroughthecrackinthecurtain.Imoanandrollover.Beastislyingonhisbackwith
hislegsstraightupintheair,andhe’ssnoring.HeisthestrangestdogI’veevermet.NotthatIhavea
lotofexperiencewithdogs.I’vealwaystriedtoavoidthem.WhenIwasfour,wewenttovisitoneof
mymom’sfriendsoutintheHamptons.Theyhadadogthatattackedme.Iendedupinthehospital
withstitchesfrommyeyebrowtothecornerofmyeye.Eversincethen,I’vehadadeepfearofdogs.
Includingthesmallonesthateveryonethinksaresocutebecausetheylooklikeyoucouldputthemin
yourpocket.Mydog,Beast,isnotsmall.IGoogleddogphotosafterIfoundhimandfromwhatIcan
tell,he’saGreatDane.Hecomesuptomywaistwhenheisstandingonallfours.I'mfivefourand
whenhestandsonhisbackpaws,hisheadisagoodfourinchesabovemine.Surprisingly,I'mnotafraid
ofhimatall.Actually,Idon’tthinkIwouldhavemadeitthroughthelastcoupledayswithouthim.

“Comeon,buddy,”IsayasIpathisstomach.Herollshisbodytotheside,lookingatmelikeI'mcrazy.
“Yeah,it’stimetowakeupandgetbackontheroadifwewanttomakeittoDad’sbytonight,”Isay
whilegettingoutofbed.Hestilldoesn’tmove.

“Whatever.I'mgoingtoshower,”Itellhimlikehecares.Stumblingmywayintothebathroom,Istart
theshower.Assteamfillsupthesmallroom,Itakeoffmytanktopandpantiesandclimbin.Peeling
thepaperoffthecheaphotelsoap,Iwashmybody.AfterI’vewashedfromheadtotoe,tryingtobe
carefularoundthecutsonmylegsandarms,Ifindtheshampoobutrealizethere’snoconditioner.I
regretnotdiggingthroughthestuffinthecarlastnighttofindallmybathroomsupplies.Gettingout
anddryingoff,ItrytofingercombmyhairenoughthatIwon’tlooktotallycrazywhenwemakeour
waydowntocheckout.Notthatitwillmatter,Ilaughtomyself.

Onelookatmyfaceandnoonewillcarewhatmyhairlookslike.Ifindacleanbraandpantiesand
sweats.Ithrowonahoodieandputmyhairupinamessyknotatthetopofmyheadthenslidemy
sunglassesuptorestonmyheadtillwegetdownstairs.Walkingoutofthebathroom,Beastissittingon
thebed,lookinglikehehasbeenwaitingformeforever.Typicalmale.

“Comeon,boy.Let’sroll.”Ipatmylegandhejumpsdownfromthebedtowalkovertome.Sittingat
myfeet,hewaitsformetoattachhisleash.“Okay,sweetboy,I’llfeedyououtside,”Isaywhile
double-checkingthebathroomtomakesureIdidn’tleaveanything.Walkingtotheelevator,withbeast
intow,Islowdownsohecansmelleverythingthathemissedlastnight.

TheelevatoropensupandthepersonsteppingoutalmoststumblesatthesightofBeast.Imean,heis
bigbutheisnotthatscarylooking.Hisfurisdarkgraywithblackspots,hisnoseispinkwithblack
spotsandhiseyesarealmostblue.He’sactuallyreallybeautiful.Igivetheguyalookandapologize.

“Maybemyfaceiswhatscaredhim,”IsaytoBeastwhentheelevatordoorcloses.Hetiltshisheadin
agreement.Onceonthefirstfloorwiththeelevatordooropen,there’senoughlighttoputonmy
sunglassessoIslidethemdownmyface.

Walkingtothecheckout,Inoticethereisanewdeskclerk.I’mprayingwedon’thavetohaveanother
uncomfortableconversation.That’swhenIspotakeycarddropboxandmakemywaytoitwithouta
secondlookatthefrontdesk.

OnceIdropmykeyinside,thesmellofcoffeehitsme.Myfeetmovewithoutmycommandtothe
sourceofmyweakness.Ilovecoffee.Idrinksomuchcoffeeeverydaythatmycoffeeconsumption
alonecouldsupportasmallcountry.Coffeeinhandandabagelhangingoutofmymouth,wemakeour
wayouttomycar.Outside,thecoldairhitsmylungsanditfeelsamazing.Iwalktomyotherbaby,my
lightblueconvertibleVWbug.IpopthetrunkanddropmybaginsidethendigoutBeast'sfoodand
waterbowlandsetthemdownontheground.Leaningagainstmycar,IwatchBeastscarfdownhis
foodwhileIenjoymine.Oncehe’sdone,Iputhisbowlsbackinthecarandtakehimtothegrassyarea
neartheparkinglottotakecareofhisbusiness.Ilaydowninthecoldgrass,lookingupintotheskyand
allIcanthinkisinajustfewhours,mylifeisgoingtobesodifferent.

********

Drivingisnotfun.Okay,let’sbeclear,drivingin“my”carwithagiantbeastofadog,goingfromNew
YorktoTennesseeisnotfun.Mycarissmallandwithallmystuffpackedinthetrunkandtheback
seat,thereisnoroomforBeast.Ifeelbadforhimbeingstuckupherewithnoplacetoliedown.ButI
havetosay,heisprettyinventive.Atonepoint,hisbuttwasontheseatwhiletheupperpartofhisbody
waslyingonthefloorboard.Itdidn’tlookcomfortabletome,butapparentlyhedidn’tmindbecause
withinafewminutesoffindingthatposition,hewassnoring.Whoknewdogscouldsnoresoloud?

We’vebeenstoppingeverycouplehourstousetherestroomandstretchourlegs.Westillhaven’tmade
itoutofVirginia.Tobehonest,I’mjustgladtheroadsareclear.Youneverknowwhatkindofweather
you’regoingtorunintoduringthistimeofyear.Octoberisoneofthosetrickymonths.Somedaysare
beautifulandsunnywithfallintheairandotherdaysarefreezingandallyouwanttodoisgohibernate
forthewinter.

Ihatethecold.MaybeafterIgetsettledwithmydad,I’lltakeatriptoabeachsomewhere.Theonly
goodthingaboutwinterisbeingabletowearcutesweatersandboots.ButIdomissmydressesduring
thewinter.Iwearadresseverydayduringthesummer.I’vetakensewingclassesjustsoIcouldmake
myownsummerdresses.There’snothinglikegettingupinthemorning,takingashowerandslipping
onadressandacutepairofsandals.There’snoworkinvolved.Youcanaddacutejacketorextra
jewelrybutyoudon’thaveto.Adressissimple.Duringthewinter,notonlydoyouhavetowearpants
andbootsbutyouhavetomakesurethatyourshoesgowithyourtopandjacket.Yep,Ihatethecold.

MyphoneblastingBreathebyAnnaNalickstartlesmeoutofmydaydreamaboutsummeranddresses.
Lookingatthescreen,Iseeit’sDadcalling.

“Hi,Daddy.”

“Hi,babygirl.Justcheckingtoseehowfaryougot.”

LookingatmyGPS,Isay,“We'restillinVirginiaandhaveaboutsixhoursleft.I’vebeenstoppingalot
forBeast.”

"Oh,yeah.Forgotyou’rebringingthatthingyoucalladogwithyou.”Hechucklesunderhisbreath.“I
hopeyouknowtheonlyreasonI'mlettingyoubringhimintomyhouseisbecausehesavedyourlife.”

IsenthimapictureofBeastwhenItoldhimhewascomingwithme.Dadwasshocked.Hetoldme
thatgirlsweresupposedtohavelittlecutedogsforpets,notthingsthatlookedliketheywouldeatyou.

“Iknow,Dad,buthe’sareallygooddog.”Asifheknowswe'retalkingabouthim,Beastliftshishead
andbarks.“Iknow,sweetboy,”Icooathim.

"Yeah,Iguessit'snotsuchabadthingthathecanhelpmescareoffalltheguyswhostartsniffing
around."

“Haha,Dad!”

"Well,babygirl,I’llcallyouinafewhourstocheckonyou."

“Okay,Dad.Talktoyouthen.”

Hangingupwithmydad,Ihaveasmileonmyface.Iwonderhowdifferentmylifewouldbeifmy
momwouldhaveleftmewithhimratherthantakemewithher.Ialsowonderwhyshetookmetobegin
with.Mymommetmydadatagraduationpartywhenshewaseighteen.Theyhadonenightof
drunken,unprotectedsexandIwasbornninemonthslater.Twoweeksafterthat,mymomtookoffwith
metolivewithhercousininNewYork.Growingup,mymomwasn’tinvolvedatall.Ihadananny
fromasfarbackasIcanremember.HernamewasMrs.B.Shelivedintheapartmentnexttous.She
wasthepersonIalwayscountedon.Ifsomethinghappened,Iwouldgotoher.Shewouldbandageme
uportellmethatIshouldn’tcryoverboysbecausetheywereallstupid.Shewastheonlyparental
figureI’veeverreallyknownandwhenshepassedaway,Ifeltlikemyworldcrumbledaroundme.My
dadfoundmenotlongafterMrs.B’spassing.

Atfirst,Iwasangryandrefusedtoreplytoanyofthelettershesent.Thenoneday,Ireceivedahuge
boxstuffedfullofcardsfrombirthdays,Christmas,Halloweenandeveryholidayinbetween.Some
lookedoldandsomelookednewbuttheyallsaidthesamething.“Dreamingofwhenwewillspend
thisdaytogether.”Sincethen,wetalkeverydayandhehasbecomeoneofmybestfriend’s.

“Okay,boy,weregonnagotakeabreak.Whatdoyousay?”Yes,talkingtomydogisnowbecominga
habit.Mostlikely,abadone.IneedtomakesurethatnooneisaroundwhenIdoitorI'mgoingtoend
uplookinglikeoneofthecrazypeoplewhothinktheiranimalissendingthemmessagesfromtheother
side.Thatwouldnotbeagoodthing.Ihaveenoughproblemswithoutaddinginsanityintothemix.

Ipulloffatthenextreststopandparkclosetotheareadesignatedfordogs.IletBeastoutandhe
shakeshiscoatandstretcheshislegsinfrontofhim.WewalkovertothegrassandIhearanother
vehiclepullin.Iturnaroundtoseeifthepersongettingouthasadogaswell.Idon’twanttobreakup
adogfight,andIhavenoideahowBeastwillreacttootherdogs.Inoticethatthecarthatpulledinis
stillrunningandnooneisgettingout.

ThecarisasilverFordEdgewithNewYorkplates.Thewindowsaretintedsodarkthatyoucan’tsee
anythinginside.Somethingbuzzesacrossmyskin.Beastmustfeelittoobecausehestartstogrowl.
Tryingtoactcasually,westartwalkingbacktowardsmycar.Iseethebackpassenger-sidedooronthe
Edgeopen.That’swhenIrunwithBeastrunningrightalongbesideme.Igetmydooropenandhe
jumpsacrossmyseat.

I'mjustabletogetthedoorclosedwhenIseeaguywalkinginmydirection.He’swearingablack
hoodieandblackjeans.ThehoodieisupsoIcan’tmakeoutanydetailsofhisface,butIknowhe’s
whitebecausehishandsarerestingonhiships.Withoutasecondlook,Iputmycarinreverseandpress
thegaspedal.BoxesgoslidingasIturnmycartogetoutoftherestarea.Islamthecarintodriveand
startspeedingaway.Idon’tseetheFordEdgeinmyrearviewmirror.Myheartisgoingamillionmiles
aminuteandIkeepcheckingforanysignsoftheEdge.Fortunately,it’snowhereinsight.

Istartthinkingaboutthewholesituationandrealizethatmyimaginationisgoingalittlecrazyafter
beingattacked.Imean,really,whatarethechancesthatsomeonefromNewYorkwouldfollowmejust
totryandhurtmeagain.Afewhourslater,there’snosignoftheEdgewhenIcheckmyGPS.Ihave
lessthantwohoursuntilwegettomydad’s.Lookingdownatmygasgauge,IseethatIhavetostop
soontofillup.Withthatthought,myoncecalmheartstartstospeedupagain.

It’saftersevenatnightandtheinterstateisquietwithjustafewcarstravelingbuttherearelotsofsemis
ontheroad.ThenextexitofferseverykindoffastfoodavailablesoI'mhopingtherewillbealotof
peoplethere.No,notjustpeople.I'mhopingforthescarytruckertypeofpeople.Iexittheinterstateand
pullintothemostwelllitgasstationaround.ThereareafewothercarsgettinggassoIgetoutandgo
insidetopay.ThereisaDunkin’Donutsand,likeaparchedmaninadesert,Ifindmyselfstandingin
frontoftheircounter.Aftergettingmycoffee,payingforgas,andgettinganotherbottleofwaterfor
Beast,Istepoutintotheparkinglot.Lookingaround,Iwalkquicklytomycar.

“That’sabeautifuldogyouhavethere.”

Screamingandsteppingback,Ialmostfalloverthehosethatisgoingfromthepumpintomycar.
“SorryIscaredyou,honey.Ijustsawyourdogandhe’sabeaute.”

“Oh,thanks,”Isaywhileholdingmychest.Gettingalookattheguy,helooksharmless.He’sdresseda
lotlikeSantaClaus,includingthesuspenderswitharedandblackplaidshirttuckedintohisjeansand
blackboots.Ican’thelpthesmilethatcomestomyface.Hesmilesback.

“Russ,”hesays,stickingouthishand.

“November,”Isay,shakinghisback.

“Whatkindofdogishe?”

“GreatDane,Ithink.I'mnotsure.IonlylookeduppicturesonlineafterIfoundhim.Hisnameis
Beast.”

“YoufoundhimandnamedhimBeast,”helaughs.

“Well,actually,it’salongstorybutIguesshekindoffoundme.”

“ThatIbelieve!”hesayswithasadlookonhisface.“Youtakecareofhimandhe’lltakecareofyou,
honey.Iusedtohaveadoglikethatandhetraveledeverywherewithme.Eventookmybackacouple
timeswhenIgotintoajam.Theyreallyareman’sbestfriend.”Helookssolosttalkingabouthisdog
thatIwantedtosaysomethingbutdidn’tknowwhat.Ireachmyhandoutandsqueezehis.Hesqueezes
minebackthenIdropminetomysideandgavehimasmallsmile.

“Welp,gottahittheroad.HavealoadtodropoffinNashville.Youdrivesafe.”

“Youtoo,”Isayashewalkstoasemiwiththewordyellowwrittenonthebackandclimbsinside.
Then,withoutthinking,Iliftmyfistupintheairandpulldown.Withthat,heblowshishornandison
hisway.Ican’thelpthesmilethathitsmyface.

*******************

MyGPSannouncesthatwehavereachedourdestinationasI'mdrivingupalongprivateroad.Inthe
distance,Iseelargebluehousewithawhitewraparoundporch.Sittinginthedarkinarockingchairis
mydad.Islowdowntotakehimin.Hehashisbarefeetstretchedoutinfrontofhimwithacupinhis
lefthand.He’swearingjeanswithaV-neckbluelongsleeveT-shirt.Hisdarkhairbarelytouchesthe
collarofhisshirtandispushedbackfromhisface.Hisskinlookstan,likehespendsalotoftimeoutin
thesun,butaroundhiseyesislighter.Heprobablywearssunglasseswhenhe’soutenjoyingthesun.

Ipullupashestandsandstartsdownthestairs.Itrytoopenmydoorbuthe’salreadythere,pullingmy
dooropen.Gettingoutofthecar,myhandsstarttoshakeandallofthestressandworryfromthelast
fewdayscomestothesurface.IknowthatnowthatI'mhere,mydadwilltakecareofeverything.Heis
mybiggestsupporterandthepersonIcanalwayscountontohavemyback.Hepullsmeintoagiant
hug,shakingmearound.Whenhefinallysetsmeinfrontofhim,helooksdownatmeandhishandsgo
tomyface.

“YoulookmorebeautifulthanthelasttimeIsawyou,babygirl.Evenwithallthebruises,”hesays,
holdingmyfacegentlyinhishands.Hisfacechangesandhisjawgetstight.“IfIeverseethefucking
guywhodidthistoyou,he’sgoingtowishhewasneverborn.Ihopetheycatchthatfuckingcoward,”
hesays,lettinggoofmyfaceandhuggingmeintohischestwhilekissingthetopofmyhead.
“Welcomehome,babygirl.”

ThatwasallIneededtohearformywholebodytorelaxintohis.Welcomehome.Iactuallyhadahome
anditfeltbeautiful.“Itfeelsgoodtobehome,”Isaywithasmile.Justthen,Beastpusheshisway
betweenus.Dadbendsdowntoshowhimsomelove.Hescratcheshisheadand,inreturn,Beastlicks
hisface.“Hey,now.Noneofthat,”hesayswhilestanding.“So,babygirl,areyoureadytoseeyour
newplaceandgetalayofthelandordoyouwanttojustseeyourroomandpassout?”

Laughing,Isay,“I’lljustseetheroomandpassout.Itwasalongdrive.”

“Iknowthatyouwantedtogetherequicklybutyoushouldhavestayedanothernightinahotel.”

Ididn’ttellmydadaboutthereststopbecauseIdidn’twanthimtoworry.AndIthinkIwasjustbeing
paranoid.Butafterthathappened,allIwantedwastogettomydad’shouseandputasmanymilesasI
couldbetweenmeandNewYork.

“Iknow,Dad,butIjustwantedtogethere.”

“I'mgladyoumadeitheresafely.Let’sgetyouinsidesoyoucangetsettledandgetsomesleep."He
putshisarmaroundmyshoulder,takingmewithhim.

Walkingintothehouse,Iwasasurprisedthateverythinglookedlikeitwasoutofamagazine.Bythe
frontdoorwasalong,blacktablewithabowlfilledwithkeysandcoins.Thewoodfloorsweresodark,
theyalmostlookedblack.Walkingdownthehallway,weenteraroomwiththetallestceilingsI’veever
seen.Thebeamsgoingacrosstheroomwerethesamecolorasthewoodfloors.Therewasawallof
windowsfromonesideoftheroomtotheother.Thekitchenwasopentothelivingroomwithanisland
inthecenterthatwasasbigasadiningtablewithfivestoolsinfrontofit.Theappliancesinthekitchen
alllookednewandunused.Thecountertopsarealightgranitewithbrownandredstreamingthrough
them.Inlivingroom,there'saleathercouchthatlooksmorelikeabedwithalowback.The
entertainmentcenterisbuiltintothewallandtwoleatherreclinerssitoneithersideofthelowcouch.
Thethrowpillowsandblanketsonthebackofthecouchmatchthegraniteinthekitchen.Allthecolors
intheroomblendperfectlytogether.Iseecaramel,darkbrown,andredeverywhereIturn.

“Wow,Dad,thisisbeautiful.”

“Thanks,baby.Yourgrandmotherdecoratedit."

“Grandmother?”Iask.

"Yeah.Shecan'twaittomeetyou.Iknowwehaven'ttalkedaboutmyfamilymuchbuttheyallknow
aboutyouandareexcitedtogettoknowyou."

“Awesome,”Iwhisper,stillinshockthatmymomtookmewhenIababy.Shenevertalkedaboutmy
dadatall.IneverevenknewwhohewasuntilIturnedeighteenandhetrackedmedown.Everytimehe
hascometoNewYorktovisit,henevertalkedabouthisfamilyandIneverasked.Ifiguredhisstory
wasthesameasmymom’s.HerparentsdiedbeforeIcouldmeetthemandshedidn'thaveanybrothers
orsisters.Mymomhasalwaysbeenaloner,unlessyouhavesomethingshewants.Then,shewillattach
herselftoyoulikealife-suckingparasite.

"Everyonewillbehereforbreakfast.TheywantedtocometonightbutIthoughtyoumightget
overwhelmedonyourfirstnighthome.Also,weneedtotalkaboutyoudoingthebooksfortheclub.
Yourdegreewillhelpmegettheofficestraightenedout.Idon’thavealotoftimetomanagethatpartof
thebusiness.LynnmovedawaywithherhusbandandIhaven’thadachancetoreplaceher.”

“WhendoIstart?”Isay,smiling.

“Well,tonightIwantyoutorest.”Hesqueezesmyshoulder.“Andfortherestoftheweek,Iwantyou
torecover.Afteryou’refeelinguptoit,I’lltakeyoudowntotheclubandshowyoutheoffice.
Hopefully,youcansetsomethingupsoyoucanworkfromhome.”

“Soundsgoodtome.”Walkingthroughthekitchen,there’sasetofstairsgoingdowntothebasement.
“Wow,Dad,Ithoughtyoulovedmeandnowyou’retakingmetothedungeon.”

Laughing,heshakeshishead.“No.There’sabasementapartment.Yourgrandmaandeveryoneelse
cameoverandworkedonitalldayyesterday.Theyrushedoverassoonastheyfoundoutyou’dbe

stayingwithme.Italsohasitsownentrancesoyoucanhavesomeprivacy.”Heflipsonthelight.

“It'sperfect.”There’sasmalllivingroomandkitchenwhenyoufirstwalkin.Heleadsmedownashort
hallandopensadoor.Thebedroomishugeandthere’salsoanattachedbathroomwithastand-up
showerandapedestalsink.I’msooverwhelmedthatIstartcrying.

“It’sokay,”Dadsayswhiledraggingmeintohisbodyforahug.“Wejustwantyoutobehappyhere.”

“Thisissonice.Ican’teventellyouhowhappyI’m,”Isayintohisshirt,givinghimasqueeze.It’sthe
truth.Ihaveneverseenamoreperfectspace.It’samazingthatthisissomeplacetocallmyown.

“Well,I'mgonnagounpackyourcarwhileyougetsomesleep,”hesays,kissingmeonmyforehead.
Heturnstoleavethenstopsandlooksatmeoverhisshoulder.“I’mreallyhappyyou’rehere,
November.Ican’teventellyouhowhappyyouthismakesme.”Withthat,he’sgone.Leavingmeto
thinkabouthowdifferentmylifecouldhavebeen.

Wakingupinthemorningtothesmellofcoffeeandthesoundofvoicesaboveme,Iclimboutofbed.
AfterIshower,Iputonapairofmyfavoritejeans.Theyaresodark,they’realmostblackandlook
goodwithanoff-the-shoulderlavendersweateranddarkbrownridingboots.Iblowoutmyhairandtie
itintoaponytailthathitsthemiddleofmyback.Iputonsomemakeuptotryandconcealthebruises
thatarenowstartingtoturngreen.Withalittlemascara,somebronzer,andblush,Imakemyway
upstairs.Beastissittingattheislandnexttoawomanwiththesamehairasmydad.Whensheseesme,
shejumpsoffthestoolandrunstome,pullingmeintoatighthug.

“Oh,sweetgirl,you’refinallyhere,”shesayswhileholdingmeawayfromherbodyandputtingher
handstomyface.“YoulooksomuchlikeyourgreatgrandmaEllie.Shewasabeautyandyouhave
yourdaddy’seyesandhair.”Pullingmebackintoherchest,Iwanttocryforthelittlegirlwhomissed
outonthis.

“Thankyou,”Isay,tryingtocontrolthetearsIfeelcoming.

“Oh,honey,youdon’thavetothankme.ThatisagiftgivenbyGodandgoodgenes.Lord,I'mjustso
happythatyou’rehereandIcanseeformyselfhowbeautifulyouare.Yourdaddyhasshowedusall
picturesfromhiscellphonebutthat’snotthesame.Heisveryproudofyou.”Thatdoesit.Istarttocry
likeababy.Idon’tthinkI’veevercriedsomuchinmylife.Thewholesituationissurreal.Ifeelboth
luckyandscared,wonderingifIamgoingtodisappointthem.

“Okay,okay,”Dadsays,cuttingin.“Enoughofthesadstuff.Let’sintroduceyoutoeveryone,kiddo.”

Meetingallofmyfamilyisalittleterrifying.Mydad’sbrother,UncleJoe,isalittlebittallerthanmy
dadbuthasthesamebodytype.Youcantellthathetakescareofhimselflikemydaddoesthey.They
bothhavebulkymusclesmyuncles.Myuncle’sdarkhairisstartingtograyandhelookslikehecould
modelforacoolbikermagazinewithhisgoateeandtattoos.Hebroughtmycousinstoo.Histwinsons
arethecompleteoppositeofeachother.ChrisandNickaretwenty-fiveyearsold.Chrislookslikea
surferwithdirtyblondhairandagoldentan.Nicklookslikearockstarwithdarkbrownhairandlight
skincoveredwithtattoos.Mydad’scousin,Maddy,herhusband,Mark,andtheirtwo-year-olddaughter,
Alyssa,arealsohere.Theyevenhaveafewotherfamilyfriendsovertomeetme.

BreakfastisdeliciousandIamreallyenjoyinggettingtoknoweveryone.Theyallseemedgenuinely
nice.WeweretalkingaboutwhatIplanondoingaftergettingsettled.Iexplainabouthavingadegreein
businessmanagementandthatI’mplanningonhelpingmydadattheclub.That’swhenthevibe
changesandallhellbreaksloose.

“You’rewhat?”UncleJoeasked,yellingsoloudhisfaceturnedred.

“Um,I'mgoingtohelpmydad?”Isay,myanswersoundinglikeaquestion.Ilookaround,wondering
whatImissedandwhyhe’ssoupset.

“Watchit,Joe,”mydadgrowls.

“Nonieceofmineisgoingtoworkatthestripclub…thatweowntogether,Imightadd.”

“Stripclub?”Iaskincompleteshock.

“Sheisnotgoingtobeworkingintheclub.She’sgoingtobedoingthebooksandmanagingtheoffice.
Shewon’tbethereduringclubhoursandwillneverbeinthefrontofthehouse.”

“Idon’tcareifshe’sworkinginthefrontorinthefuckingalley,she’snotworkingthere.”

“LasttimeIchecked,sheismydaughterandIownhalfthatclub.Youhavenosayinwhatshedoesor
doesn’tdo.Iwanthertoworkformeand,likeIsaidbefore,shewillneverseethefrontofthefucking
club.”

“Doyouwanttoworkthere?”myuncleasksme.IfeelputonthespotandIreallydon’twanttoanswer
him.

“Um…I…ugh.”Itakeadeepbreathbeforetryingtorespond.“Ididn’tknowthatitwasthatkindof
club,”Isayinawhisper.NotthatIhadanythingagainststripclubs.Imean,toeachtheirown,right?

“Okay,Joe,”Grandmacutsin.“IfNovemberwantstoworkthere,that’sherchoice.And,Mike,ifshe
doesn’twanttoworkthereafterfindingoutwhatkindofclubitis,that’salsoherchoice.Nowyou
knowthatIdon’tlovethatclubbutIdoloveyoubothandIsupportedyouinyourdecisiontoopenit.
But,asforNovember,itwillbeherchoiceandherchoicealoneifshewantstohelpyououtonthe
businesssideoftheclub.I'mnothappyaboutthelookonherfacerightnowandI'mtellingyouboth
thatyouwilllethermakeherowndecision.”

AfterGrandmasaidherpeace,everythingwentbacktonormal,butIcouldstillfeelthetensionbetween
mydadanduncle.IwantedtoworkwithmydadbutIalsodidn’twanttocauseaproblembetweenhim
andhisbrother.Icouldn’twrapmymindaroundthefactthatmydadownedastripclub.WhenI
imaginedastripclubowner,Ipicturedanevil,fatoldguywithbeadyeyes,tackysuitsandabadcomb
over.Notsomeonelikemydad.He’sakind,handsome,put-together,forty-five-year-oldman.After
ponderingthisforafewminutes,IrealizedthatIwasproud.Knowingmydadandthekindofmanhe
is,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkofthewomenwhoworkforhimandhowluckytheyare.I'msureinthe
stripperindustry,respectishardtocomeby.ButonethingIknowforsure,herespectsthewomenwho
workforhim.I'msurethat’snotalwaysthecaseinstripclubs.So,withthosethoughtsfloatinginmy
head,Iturnandsmileatmydad.Hesmilesbackevenbigger.

***************

Aftertwoweeksofgettingsettledinandhealing,itwastimetostartlivingintherealworldagain.The
worldwhereyouneededthingslikeajobandmoneytosurvive.Meandmydadaregoingtotheclubto
meetsomeofhismainemployees.TosayI'mnervousisanunderstatement.Ittookmelongerthan
normaltogetready.Imeanreally!Whatdoyouweartothestripclubthatyourdadowns?After
settlingonmygray,empirewaistsweaterdresswithblackleggingandblackboots,Icurlmyhairin
largewavesdownmyback.Iputonlightmakeup.Lookingatmyselfinthemirror,I’mhappytoseeall
thebruisingisgoneandIlooklikemyselfagain.IgoupstairstogiveBeastsomelovebeforemeand
Dadtakeoff.IknowthatBeastishappyhere.HehasalargebackyardandroomtorunandItakehim
onawalkeverynight.

“Okay,Dad,I'mready,”IyellintothelivingroomwhilescratchingBeastbehindhisears.

“Wow,youlookbeautiful,”hesays,kissingmycheek.“Let’sgetthisshitoverwith.”Ismileathim,
knowingthathe’snervous.Ithinkatthispoint,he’smorenervousthanme.

“Dad,it’sgoingtobeokay.”Goingwithmydadtohisclubiscompletelynerverackingforme.Imean,
mydadownsastripclubwherenakedgirlswork.I'mfreakingoutontheinsidebuttryingtoactcool.I
don'twanthimtofeelanymoreuncomfortablethanIknowhealreadydoes.

"Justsoyouknow,babygirl,thewomenwhoworkformearenotyourfriends.Thereisnothingwrong
withwhattheydobutyouarenotgoingtobehangingwiththem."

Iraisemyeyebrowsathimandheshakeshishead.“Iknowthatyouwon'tbethereduringclubhours
butIwanttomakeitperfectlyclear—thereisnoreasonforyoutoeverbeinthefrontofthehouse
whenyou’reinthebuilding.Youcancomein,sortshitoutintheoffice,buttherewillbenodrinkingat
thebarandnosocializingwiththeemployees.TheonlyreasonI'mbringingyouheretonightisbecause
IwantthepeopleItrusttomeetyou.Thatway,youwillalwayshavesomeonetogotoincaseI'mnot
around."

“Dad,don’tworrysomuch.You’regivingyourselfgreyhairandsoonyou’regoingtolooklikeUncle
Joe.”

“Veryfunny!”hesays,smiling.

TheclubisprettymuchhowIpicturedit.NotthatI'vebeeninastripclubbutwhatdoyoureallythink
ofwhenyouimagineastripclub.There'salongbaronthebackwallwithstoolsinfrontofit.Offtothe
side,there'sastagewithtwopolesandagirldancing.Alongthestage,therearefourtableswithguysof
everyagewatchingtheshow.Inthebackoftheroom,thelightingissodimthatyoucanbarelymake
outthecouches.Behindthemisawallofmirrors.Lookingaround,everythinglooksnewandmodern.

"Okay,babygirl.”Mydadsnapsmeoutofmyperusal.“ThisisRex.”Hepointstotheguybehindthe
bar."Rex,thisismydaughter,November.She'sgoingtobedoingthebooksandhelpingmeoutfrom
behindthescenes.Youwon'tseehermuchbutIwantedyoutomeethersothatifI'mnotaround,she
knowswhototalkto."

“Hey,girl,”Rexsays,wipinghishandsonatowel.“Nicetofinallymeetyou.”

“Youtoo,”Isayasmydadpullsmeintohisside.

"Wow,Mike,didn'tthinkthatwithyouruglymugyoucouldmakesuchaprettygirl,"RexsaysandI
feelmyselfturnred.

Mydadlooksdownatmewithsomuchpride.“Yeah,Ididgood,"hesays,smiling.

“Oh,geeze,Daddy,stop,”Isaywhilesqueezinghismiddleandrollingmyeyes.That'swhenIfeellike
someone’swatchingme.Ilookaroundbutdon'tseeanyone.

"I'mgonnatakehertotheofficeandshowhermymess,"Dadsays.

"Okay,man,butwhenyou’redone,weneedtotalkabouttheshitSkittlespulledtheothernight."

“OnceNovemberleaves,I’llbeonthefloor,"mydadsays,pullingmewithhim.

Aftermeetingacoupleotherpeople,wegointohisoffice.Hewasnotjoking—theplaceisamess.It's
goingtotakemeweeksjusttogeteverythingorganized.Therearepapers,booksandfileseverywhere
andthecomputerlookslikethefirstoneeverinvented."Well,hereyouare.Youcanstarttomorrow
morning.Justtrytobeoutofherebythree.Onceyougetstufffiguredout,youcanalwaysmoveyour
officetothehouseifyoufeellikethatworksbetter.”

“Okay,I'llstarttomorrow.It'sgonnatakesometimejusttogetthingssorted.Afterthat,Ishouldbeable
todoitfromhomemostofthetime.”

"Soundsgood,"Dadsays,lookingaround.Justthen,thephoneringsonthedesk.Hemovessome
papersaround.Whenhefinallyfindsthehandset,heputsittohisear."Yeah,okay.I’llbeout.Ihaveto
go,babygirl.There'saproblemoutfront."

“That’sfine,Dad,”Isaytohisbackasherunsfromtheoffice.Lookingaroundforafewminutes,Isee
thatIhavemyworkcutoutforme.IdecidetogohomeandgetsomesleepsothatI’llhaveallmybrain
cellsinthemorningwhenIcomebacktothisdisaster.

IwalkoutintothecoolNovemberair.IpulloutmyphoneandtextDadthatI’llseehimtomorrow.The
musicisnowjustbackgroundnoise,butIcanstillsmellthealcohol,perfumeandbeerthatlingerson
myclothesfrombeinginsidetheclub.I'malmosttomycar,thinkingabouttakingBeastforawalk.I
wanttogobeforeit’stoolateandwehaveanotherskunkincidentlikewedidtheothernight."Yo,"I
hearshoutedfrombehindme.Ijumpandendupdroppingmypurseandkeystotheground.Ipickthem
upthenlookaround.Alltheairispushedoutofmylungs.ThemostbeautifulmanIhaveeverseenis
standingafewfeetfromme.Heismorethanafoottallerthanmyfivefeetfourinchframe.Hisdark
brownhairiscutsoshortthatIcanseehisscalp.Hisjawissosquarethatitlookslikeitwascutfrom
glass.Hehasacoupledaysofstubbleonitthatmakesmewanttorubmycheekacrossittoseehowit
feels.Hisnoselookslikeitmayhavebeenbrokenbutitdoesnothingtotakeawayfromthebeautyof
hisface.

Withonlythelightfromthestreetlampaboveus,Ican’ttellhisexacteyecolorbuttheylookblueor
lightgray.Hislipshaveaperfectcupid’sbowatthetopandbottom.They’resofull,theywouldmake
mymom,thequeenoflipinjections,jealous.

Takinginhisface,I’mcompletelycaughtoffguardbytheangerIseeinhiseyes.Heisaboutthree
timesmysize.Hisarmsaresolargehecouldsquashmelikeabug.Icanmakeoutthedefinitionof
almosteverymuscleinhistorso.Hisbodyisasimpressiveashisfaceandthethermalshirthe’s
wearingdoesnothingtohideitfromme…oranyonewitheyes.Hislegsareplantedshoulder-length
apart.Hisjeanshanglowonhishipsandwiththewayhestands,Idon'teventhinkatornadocould
movehim.Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischestwhilelookingdownatme.

ItakeastepbacktowardsmycarandremindmyselfthatIneedtobreathe.Iadjustmykeysinthepalm
ofmyhandsotheybecomeaweapon.Hedoesn’tmissthismove,judgingbytheflashofsurpriseIsee
crosshisface.

“Hi,”Isqueakout.

"Yeah,hi,”hesaysbackinamockingtonethatcatchesmeoffguard.“Youneedtohaveanescortto
yourcaranytimeyouleavetheclub.”He’spracticallygrowlingatme.

“Wh…Wha.What?”Iask,stuttering.

“You,”hesaysslowly,likeI'mstupid,“needanescortanytimeyouleavefrominsidetheclubtoyour
car.Allthegirlsknowthisshit."

“Um…okay?”Isay,stillnotunderstanding.

"It’smyboy’sjobtomakesureyourassissafefromthebuildingtoyourcar.Sodon’tpissmeoffby
notdoingwhatyou’retold.Andtrustme,sweetheart,Idon’tgiveafuckifyou’refuckingBigMike.
Nexttime,waitforoneoftheguystowalkyououthere.”

“Who’sBigMike?”Iask.I’veonlybeenintownashortwhile.Howcanrumorsofmeandsomeguy
alreadybegoingaround?

"BigMike,theguyyouwerehangingonandcalling’Daddy!’”hesayswithdistaste.“Idon'tgivea
fuckifyou’resleepingwiththeboss.Heshouldhavetoldyouthisshithimselforhadthedecencyto
walkyourassoutheretoyourcar."

OhmyGod!Ewwww…NowIgetit.HethinksI'msleepingwithmydad.Gross!Andhe'sbeingtotally
rude.

“Excuseme?”Iask,narrowingmyeyes,hopingthathegetsthemessagethatheshouldchoosehisnext
wordswisely.

"Whatpartdon'tyouunderstand,sweetheart?”hesays,mockingme.I'msureatthispoint,myeyesare
buggingoutofmyheadandsteamiscomingoutofmyears.

Ijerkmyhandoutangrilyinhisdirection.“I'mnot‘sweetheart,’I’mNovember.I'malsoBigMi—”

"Don'tgiveafuckwhoyouare.”Hecutsmeoff.

“Wow,youaresoflippingrude,buddy.”

"Don'tcarethatyouthinkthatshiteither."

“Whothehelldoyouthinkyouare?”Iaskhim,handsonmyhips,myvoicebringingmyNewYork
attitudeoutinfullforce.

"Theguythat’swaitingforyoutogetinyourcarandleavesoIcangodomyjobinsteadofstanding
outherewithyou.”

“Uggggg,youaresuchajerk.”Igrowl,feelinglikeIshouldkickhim.

"November?”Ihearmydadcallme.Ismileontheinside.Thisisgoingtobegood.

“Yeah,Daddy,overhere,”Iyellback,exaggeratingthedaddypart.Ilookattheguyinfrontofme,
daringhimwithmyeyestosaysomething.Hedoesn’t,buthiseyesnarrow.

Mydadwalkstowardsusthenseesbigjerkfacestandingacrossfromme.Hepatshimontheback
whilesmiling."Hey,Asher,”mydadsays.

OhmyGod,seriously?Asher.Whydidthisguyhavetohaveahotguyname?Whycouldn’thisname
beUrkelorPoindexter.Imeanreally,something’sjustwerenotfair.

“Iseeyoualreadymetmydaughter."Ican'thelpthesmallgigglethatclimbsupmythroatfromthe
lookofpureshockonthebigjerk’sface.Okay,it’ssafetosaythathislookmademefeelsomewhat
better.Mydadlooksdownatme,smiling,notunderstandingwhathasgoneonforthelastfewminutes.

“Um,yeah,Dad.HewasjusttellingmethatIneedanescortwhenleavingtheclub,”Isaythroughmy
laugh.

"Oh,"mydadsays,scratchinghishead.“Yeah,Ididn'tthinkaboutitbecauseyou’renot…Ugh,you
don’tworkhere…Imean,youworkherebutnotreallyinhere.”

“Dad,it’sokay.Asherdidn’tknowandjustwantedtomakesureIwassafe.”

"Yeah,okay,”hesays,lookingalittlesheepish.“Anyways,Asher,thisismybabygirl,November,”he
says,pullingmeintohisside.“Shejustmovedhere.”

Ilookfrommydad’ssmilingfacetoAsherandhestilllooksstunnedbutthere'salsosomethingelse
workingbehindhiseyes.

“Hi,”Isay,stickingoutmyhandwithabigsmileonmyface.Whenheputshishandtomine,Ifeela
joltgofromourconnectionstraightthroughmybody.Whattheheckisthat?

"November,”hesayssoftly,lookingdownatourhandsanditmakesmewonderifhefeltittoo.Then,
withoutanotherwordorlook,heturnsaroundandwalksbacktowardstheclub.Well,alrightythen.He
mightbehotbuthe’sdefinitelystrange.Ilookatmydadandhe’swatchinghimgo.

"Um…Hey,Dad,I'mgonnago,”Isay,regaininghisattention.

"What?”hesays,lookingatme.

“I'mleaving.”

“Oh,yeah.Ofcourse,honey.I’llseeyoutomorrowathome."Hebends,kissingmyforehead.WhenI
pulloutoftheparkinglot,Icanseeatallfigureleaningagainstthedoorthatleadsintotheclub,
watchingmycarleave.Mypulsestartstorace,wonderingifthat’sAsher.Then,Iremindmyselfthat
he’sajerkandnottothinkabouthimanymore.Sadly,Idon’tstopthinkingabouthimuntilmyheadhits
mypillowandI'mdeadtotheworld.

Chapter2

“I'mcoming,I'mcoming.Geez,youhavetoslowdown,boy.Mybootsaretoohighforrunning,”Isay,
followingBeasttomycar.

TheminuteIaskedhimifhewantedtogoforaride,hewasrunningoutofthehouse,draggingme
behindhim.Todayisthedaywevisitthenursinghome,andIswearheknowsexactlywherewe’re
going.Wehavebeendoingthiseveryweeksincewecametotown.

BeastlovestheattentionandtheelderlyloveBeast.It'sbeensixdays—notthatI’mcounting—sinceI
lastsawAsher.IwantedtoaskmydadabouthimbutIchickenedout.Really,Ijustwanttoseehim
again.Idon’treallywanttotalktohimbecause,truthfully,he’sajerk.ButIdowanttolookathim.He
hasmademeconsidertakinganartclass.Maybesomethinglikebodysculptingorpainting.It’snot
normalforaguytobethatbeautiful.NowIsoundlikeaweirdstalker.Likethatmoviewheretheguy
putsthegirlsintheholeandforcesthemtoeatsohecanweartheirskin.Okay,I'mnotthatcreepy,
thankGod.Ineedtostop.Maybehebrainwashedme.Ineedahobby.

Thelastfewdayshavebeenuneventful.Monday,meandGrandmawentuptoNashvilleandgotnew
computers.Oneisformydad’shomeofficeandoneisfortheclub.Tuesday,Iwenttotheclubatseven
inthemorningsoIwouldhaveplentyoftimetogetthecomputersetupandtostartorganizingthe
office.

Idon'tknowwhatIthoughtIwouldfind,buttherewerenolapdancespreadsheetsorpoledancing
tables.Itwasallnormalofficepaperwork.Spendingreports,payroll,andorderingsheets.Ifinishedas
muchasIcouldbeforeIhadtoleaveatthree.Thenextfewdayswentthesame.Iwasattheofficetill
three,makingdinnerwithmydadbeforehewenttowork,walkingBeastintheevening,thensettingup
mydad’shomeofficebeforeIwenttobedatnight.

Iamgettingsettled.IfeelmoreathomehereinTennesseethanIeverfeltinNewYork.Everyonein
townwasnice.Theyalwayshaveasmileforyou.ThethingIhadtogetusedtowaseveryonewaving
atyouwhenyoupassthemontheroad.Atfirst,itcaughtmeoffguard.ThenIaskedmydadaboutit
andhesaidit’sjustwhattheydo.NoweverytimeIpasssomeone,Imakesuretowave.Okay,okay,my
wavemaybealittledramaticbutIlikeitanditmakesmesmile.

“Alright,boy.Let’sgoinside,”IsayasIturnoffthecar.Thenursinghomewevisitisalongbrick
building.Thefrontsitsonahillofgreengrasswithlargepinetreesthatgiveshadetosittingareas
locatedallaroundthebuilding.

"Hi,Beth,"Isayquietlywhilegiggling.Bethisinchargeofgreetingpeopleastheycomeintothe
building.Atleastsheshouldbegreetingpeoplebutshe'salwaysasleepinherwheelchairwithherchin
tuckedtoherchestandherbluehairistheonlythingyoucansee.

“Damn.”Isightomyself.NowIwantsomecottoncandy.EverytimeIseeherhair,Igetacravingfor
thestuff.IlookdownatBeastandhisheadcomesup.“Lookslikewe'regonnabemakingastopatthe

storeonourwayhome,boy.”IshouldhaveboughtmorethanonepackofcottoncandythelasttimeI
wasthere.Helooksatmeandtiltshishead.

“Okay,boy.FirststopisMaxsoyoubetterbeonyourbestbehavior,”Itellhim,walkingintoMax’s
room.BillieHolidayisplayingonanoldrecordplayerandMaxissittinginhischairwiththe
newspaperinfrontofhim.

“Hi,Max.IbroughtBeastheretoseeyou,”Isayloudly,knowingthatheneverrememberstoputinhis
hearingaid.

"Well,hellothere,prettylady.Howareyoutoday?"heshoutsatme.

“I'mgood.Howareyou?”Iask,bendingtogivehiswrinkledcheekakiss.Ifindhishearingaidina
smallbowlbyhisbedandhandittohim.Heshakeshisheadandputsitin.

"Well,gottasaythatmydayjustgotbetter.”Hesmiles.“Hey,Beast.Howareyou,boy?”heasksas
Beastplaceshisheadinhislapforarub.“Betsywasinhereearlierbuggingmeaboutgoingtothe
dancetonight.IkeeptellingherthatI'mnotinterestedbutshewon'tleavemealone.She’salready
stoppedbyfourtimes,"hegrumbles.

Ilaugh.BetsyisoneoftheolderladieshereandhasmoreenergythanIdo.She’salwaysonthehuntfor
anewman.“Aw,Max,youshouldgo.Youmighthavefun.Ihearthebandthat'scomingisreally
good.”

"Nope,Iain'tgoing.Youcouldn'tpaymeenoughtogotoadance."

“Well,youdon’thavetodance.Youcouldjustgolistentomusic.”

“Nothappening,darlin’,andwe’renottalkingaboutitagain.”

Igiggle.Maxissetinhisways.Iknowtherewillbenoconvincinghim.Wevisitforawhilelonger
untilIlookattheclockandseehowlateitis.

“Oh,crude,Max.MeandBeastbettergo.Wehaveafewpeopletovisitbeforedinner.”

"Alright,darlin’.Seeyouinafewdays,”hesayswhilestillpettingBeast.“Andseeyoutoo,boy."

Walkingdownthehall,thesmellofcleaningsuppliesisoverwhelminguntilwereachtheassistedliving
units.Then,it’slikewalkingintoacountryclub.Thefloorsarebeautifulprintedcarpet.Therearefresh
flowersonalltablesalongthewall.Thewholeplacelookswarmandinvitingwithsittingareasand
cozynookstoread.Ican'thelpbutfeelbadforthepeoplewhocan'taffordtoliveonthissideofthe
building.

“Alright,boy.Onemorestop.Remember,begood,”Isay,lookingdown.Hejustlooksatmethenback
towardsthedirectionarewalking.Iwasjustdismissedbymydog.

WalkingintoMs.Alice'sroomalwaysmakesmehappy.Shehasphotosandthingsfromalloverthe
worldonshelvesandbookcases.Herhusbandwasinthemilitaryandtheytraveledalot.Whenhe
retired,theymovedtotownandopenedahardwarestore.Theyweremarriedforsixty-twoyearsand

whenherhusbandpassedaway,sherefusedtomoveinwithherfamily.Shemovedherewhenshecould
nolongerbeonherown.Butstill,theroomfeelslikeahome.

“Hi,Ms.Alice.Howareyou?”Iask,leaningdownandkissinghercheek.

“Oh,November.I'mwonderful.Iwasjusttalkingtomygrandson.He'sonhiswaytovisittoo."

“That'snice.Wewon'tstaylong,then.IjustwantedtobringBeastbyandsayhi,”Itellher,sitting
down.

"Hey,youhandsomeboy.Comehereandgivemesomesugar,”shesays,pattingherleg.Beastwalksto
herandputshisheadinherlap.“Youaresuchasweetthingjustlikeyourmama,"shesays,makingme
smile.

Beastislikemychild.Ifeedhim,lovehim,andmakesureheiscaredfor.ButIhopeonedayIfind
someonetohavearealfamilywith.Idon’twanttobesinglefortherestofmylifeandbecomeknown
asthecrazydoglady.SinceI'mallergictocats,Ican’tevenbethenormandhaveamillioncats.Well,I
couldbutthenI’djustwalkaroundwithpuffyeyesandarunnynose.

“Ihopemygrandsongetsheresoon.Iwouldloveyoutoomeethim.He'sveryhandsome,”shetellsme
withabigsmileonherface.Icanseehermindracingwithwaystohookusup.“Ikeeptellinghimhe
needstosettledown.Hehasneverbroughtagirlhomeandhe'sgettingtoooldforallthatplaying
aroundbusinessthatmenthesedaysdo.IwantgreatgrandbabiesbeforeIleavethisearth.Backinmy
day,itwasnormaltogetmarriedyoung.IwaseighteenwhenIgotmarriedandIstayedmarrieduntilI
lostmyJames.Imisshimeverydayandstilllovehim.Iwantthatformygrandsons."

“Well,Ihopetheyallfindthekindofloveyouhad,Ms.Alice.Itsoundsbeautiful,”Itellhertruthfully.
Icanseethelovethatshestillcarriesforherhusbandwhenevershetalksabouthim.

"Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?"IjumpandBeastbarksatthesoundofthevoice.Islowlyturn
around,prayingI'mwrong.

"AsherJamesMayson,youwatchyourmouth.Don'ttalktomyguestlikethat,"Ms.Alicescoldshim.I
canfeelallthecolordrainoutofmyfaceandmystomachdropstomytoes.OhmyGod,he'smore
beautifulthanIrememberinhisdarkgreenthermalwiththesleevespusheduptohiselbowsandthe
colorfultattoosonhisarmsaresobrightthatevenhistandoesnothingtotakeawayfromtheirbeauty.
Hisjeansarelightblueoverwashedandhughimperfectly.Hislightbrownbootsaresodirtythatyou
wouldthinkhespentthedayplayinginthemud.Great!Justflippinggreat.He'sMs.Alice'sgrandson.
Canmylifegetanyworse?

“Hi,”Isay,tryingtosmilebutIknowthatIprobablylooklikeI'minpain.Istandup,readytobolt.
“ComeonBeast,Ms.Alicehasaguestandweneedtogotothestore.”Yes,nowI'mtalkingtomydog
outloudinfrontofhotjerkface.Ugh,I'msuchaloser.“Well,Ms.Alice,I’llseeyouinafewdays,”I
say,leaningdowntokisshercheek.

“Okay,sweetgirl,"shesaysquietly.Shelookslikeshewantstosaysomethingbutshecloseshermouth
thenglaresathergrandson.I'msureifshecouldhavemadehimcatchfire,shewouldhave.IfIcould
makehimcatchfire,IknowIwould.Iturnandstartwalkingdowntheshorthalltowardstheexitwhen

Ifeelpressureonmyelbow.

"I'mgonnawalkNovemberout.I’llberightback,Gran,"Ashersaysfrombehindme.

Crap,crap,crap.“Umm…No…No,that'sokay,”Isay,tryingtopullmyarmfreefromhistouch.Ican
alreadyfeelhisfingersburningintome.

"No,I’llwalkyou,"hewhispersnearmyear,causinggoosebumpstobreakoutacrossmyskin.

“Fine,”ImutterbecauseIdon'twanttocauseasceneinfrontofMs.Alice.I'msureshelikesmebut
notsosureshewouldlikemeruiningthechancesofherhavinggreatgrandchildrenwhenI‘accidently’
kickhiminthenuts.Shedoesn'tsayanythingasweleave.Shejustwavesgoodbyewithafacesplitting
smile.Oh,ifsheonlyknew.

“Comeon,Beast.Asheriswalkingusout,”Isaythenbitemytongue.Ireallyneedtoworkonnot
talkingtomydoginfrontofpeople.Onceoutthedoor,Ipullmyelbowfromhisgrip.“Look,I'm
sorry.Ihadnoideathatsheisyourgrandma.IjustbringBeastheretoseeanyonewhowantsthe
company.IwatchedashowonTVaboutanimalsvisitingwithpeopleinhospitalsandnursinghomes
andhowmuchjoyitbroughtthem.SoIfigured,I’dgiveitatry.Ihaveabeautifuldogwholoves
attention,sowhynot,youknow.”

Asher'snotsayinganythingandIrealizeI'mrambling.Crap.“Sowe'rejustgonnago.”Iturntoleave
buthegrabsmyhand,pullingmeback.

"Hey,notsofast.Youcaughtjustsurprisedme.Ididn’texpectIwouldseeyouhere."

“Well,IreallylikeyourgrandmaandshelikesBeastsoifyoujusttellmethedaysyou’regonnacome,
I’llmakesurenottoshowupthen.”

"That'snotgonnaworkforme.”

“Okay,”Isay,feelingmyshouldersslump.“Well,haveagoodday.”Anddon’tfalloffacliff.Isayit
undermybreathasIturntowalkoffagain.

“Meetmetonight,"hesaysandIknowthatImusthaveheardhimwrong.Hisroughvoiceandhis
southernaccentaremakingithardtoconcentrateonwhatheissaying.IswearIheardhimwrong.I
lookovermyshoulder.

“What?”Iask,scrunchingmynose.

"You,me,tonight,beer,agameofpool?"

“Um…"Nope,didn’thearhimwrong.Ilookaroundtomakesurethatit’sstilljustmeandhiminthe
parkinglot.

“It'sjustabeer,”hesays,smiling.

“You’rekindofajerk,”Itellhim.It’ssomethingheprobablyhearsallthetime.

"Icanbebutit'sstilljustabeer,November.”Thewayhesaysmynamemakesmethinkthatthisisalot

morethanjustabeerandagameofpool.Plus,whenaguyadmitsthattheyareajerk,isthatreallya
goodthing?“JustmeetmeattheStumbleInatseven,”hesays,takingastepclosertome.Allofthe
sudden,Icanfeeltheheatfromhisbody,smellthescentofhiscologneandIcanfinallymakeoutthe
colorofhiseyes.

“Lightbluewithgoldflecks,”Imumbletomyself.Mylipspartandmyeyesglazeover.Allmysenses
areonoverload.

“Pardon?”heasksandIrealizethatIjustsaidthatoutloud.

“Nothing,”Imumble,stillstaringathim.IrealizethatIprobablylooklikeanidiotsoItakeastepback.
Hesmiles,revealingoneperfectdimpleandIknowinthatmomentthatIamsoscrewed.Crap!

“Meetmeatseven,”herepeats,takingastepclosertome.Hishandcomesup,movingmyhairto
behindmyear,andI'mtotallylost.Justfloatingawayinahotguyfog.

“Um…”Iblink,tryingtopullmyselftogether.“Okay,seven,”Isay,wonderingwhattheheckjust
happened.ThewordsareoutandIneedtogetawayfromhimandhisJedimindtricks.Iturntogobut
gettuggedback.IalmostfallonmybuttwhenIturnmyheadandseeAshersquatdowntopetBeast.

“Alright,babe.Seven.Seeyouthen."Hissmilegetsbigger,likeheknowssomethingIdon’t.Hestands
fromhissquattingpositionandwinks.IturnaroundbecauseIneedtogo,go,gobeforeIthrowmyself
athimandaskhimtohelpmegiveMs.Alicegreatgrandbabies.

“Comeon,Beast.”ItugonhisleashbuthewantstostaywithAsher.“Iknowthefeeling,boy,”I
whisper.

*****************

Walkingintomydad’shouse,I'massaultedbythesmellofgarlicandbutter.IstopinmytrackswhenI
realizethathe’shome.“Crap,”Iwhispertomyself.Dad’shome.Ofcourse,he'shome.Wehavedinner
togethereverynight.ItrytoactnormalasIwalkintothekitchen.Mydadisstandinginfrontofthe
stove,wearinganapronthatlookslikeagirlinabikini.Istartlaughing."Hey,now.What'ssofunny?"
heasks,smiling.

“Nothing,Daddy,”Isay,giggling.

"I'llhaveyouknowthatyourunclegotthisforme."

“I'msureUncleJoedid,”Isay,smirking.UncleJoeisafunnyguy.

“Well,Ilikeit.Ilookhot,"hesays,holdinghishandsouttohissides.

“Thatyoudo,”Iagree,shakingmyhead.“Sowhatarewehaving?”Iask,hoppinguponthecounter.

“ShrimpAlfredo,garlicbreadandsalad."

“Yum.Soundsgood.I'mleavingatsixthirtytoheadtotheStumbleIn,”Isay,gladthatitsoundscasual.

"TheStumbleIn?WhyareyougoingtothebaronaThursday.I'mnotdrivingyoutodrinkalready,am

I?"

“Um…No,I'mmeetingsomeonethere?”Isay,askingratherthantellinghim.Pleasedon’taskwho,I
pray.

“Isthataquestionorareyoumeetingsomeone?”

“Well,Ium…ranintoAsheratthenursinghomewhenIwasvisitinghisgrandmotherandheaskedme
tomeethim.”

“You’remeetingAsheratthebar?"heaskswithalookonhisfacethatdoesn’tbodewellforme.

“Yeah,it'sjustabeer,Dad,”Isay,usingAsher'swords.

"Idon'tknowhowIfeelaboutthis.Iknowyou’renotakidbutAsherisnotthekindofguyIexpected
youtodate.Don'tgetmewrong,he'sagoodman.”Heshakeshishead.“Justpromisemeyou’llbe
careful.Idon’twanttoseeyouhurt.”

“Promise,Dad,”Isayquietly.ThelastthingIneedistogetmyhearttrampledonagain.Beenthere,
donethat.AndAsher’sbootslookliketheywoulddoalotmoredamagethanmyex’s.“Besides,Dad,
heknowsI'mnewintownandfeelsbadformeorsomething.”

“Orsomething,”hesaysunderhisbreathandIignorehim.

DinnerwasawesomeandDadquicklydroppedtheuncomfortableconversationaboutAsher.Thank
God.SonowIamstandinginfrontofmycloset,tryingtopickoutwhattowear.Whatdoyouweartoa
bartohaveabeerwithahotguythatyoudon’twanttolike?

Ihaven’teverreallydatedrandomguys.TheoneseriousrelationshipIhadincollegewentbadaftermy
momsleptwithhim.Icaughtthemtogetherathisapartmentafterhesentmeatextsayingthathewas
goinghomeafterclassbecausehewasn’tfeelingwell.Me,thelovingfiancéthatIwas,showedupout
ofthebluetocheckonhim.WhenIletmyselfin,theplacefeltstrange.Iwantedtoturnaroundandrun
outbutIstayed,walkedtohisbedroomandwhenIgotthere,allIheardwashimmoaning.Itsounded
likehewasinalotofpainsoIopenedthedoortofindmymomontopofhim.Icouldn’tevenspeak.I
shutthedoorsilentlybehindmeandsenthimatexttellinghimthatIstoppedbytocheckonhimbut
sawformyselfthathewasfeelingmuchbetter.Hecalledamilliontimesafterthatandsentflowers,
cards,texts,butIdidn’tcare.Iignoredallofit.Icuthimoutofmylife,mailedhimbackeverything
thatIhadofhis—includingtheringhehadgivenme—alongwithanotetellinghimtostopcallingorI
wouldpresschargesforstalking.Afterthat,Ineverheardfromhimagain.

“Whatdoyouthink,Beast?RedsweaterdressorT-shirtandjeans,”Iask,holdingtheitemsupfor
Beasttolookat.Hedoesn’tevenlifthishead.Hisbigbodyislyingacrossmybedwithhisheadonhis
paws.

“You’reright.Thedressistoomuch.”Itakeoffmyboots,dress,andleggings.Iputonmytight,
straightleg,darkbluejeanswithholesalloverthem.

Withmyjeanson,Idecidetogocasualandpulloutmyconversesneakersthataregoldwithglitter.I
putonalongsleeve,scoopneck,whiteT-shirtandablack,zipfronthoodie.

“Now,hairupordown?”IaskBeast,whostillhasn’tmoved.

“Okay,Iagree.I'mjustgoingtoleaveitdown,”Itellhim,puttingonsomelipgloss.Ilookattheclock
andI'mrunninglate.Onceoutthedoorandinmycar,mynervesstarttogetthebetterofme.

“Calmdown,calmdown,calmdown,”Ichantoutloudtomyself.It’snothelpingsoIturnonmusic
andstartsingingalong.Okay,notsinging,I’mrapping.Ilovelisteningtorapmusic.Yes,someofthe
stufftheysayisalittle,um,questionable,butitmakesmehappy.

So,withmusicthumpingandmerapping,IpullupinfrontofStumbleIn.Therearealotofcarsparked
outfront.ItseemsthisistheplacetobeonaThursdaynight.Icheckmyfaceintherearviewmirror
andaddmorelipgloss.Igetoutandstartwalkingtowardsthebuilding.MyhandsstarttosweatandI
feelslightlysick.

OnceIopenthedoor,allthoughtsleavemyhead.Asherissittingatatablewiththreeotherguyswho
alllooksimilartohim.Thethingthatgivesmepauseisthegirlstandingnexttohim.Sheissoclose
thathergiantboobsaresquishingoutofherwhitetanktop.Icanalsoseethatshe’swearingaredbra.I
mean,really.Whodoesthat?IwanttopukeorrunawaybutallIcandoisstareathim.Then,shebends
herheadtothesidewithherblondehairhidingwhatshe’swhisperingintohisear.

“Hi.”Ijumpatthesoundandturnmyhead.“Youmustbenew.I'mNick.”Theguystandingnexttome
saysandItakeasteptowardshimsoI'mnotblockingthedoor.He’sverycuteinthatboynextdoor
kindofway.He’salldirtyblondhairandblueeyes.He’swearingabutton-upshirtthat’sperfectly
pressedandkhakis.He’salsotheonlyguythatI’vemetherethatwasn’twearingjeans.

“Um,yeah.Hi,I'mNovember,”Isay,puttingmyhandout.That’swhenI'mpulledbymywaist.I
screambecauseI'mstartledthenIlookup.Asherisstandingbehindme,holdingmeagainsthim.

“Nothappening,baby,”hewhispersinmyear.Ican’thelptheshiverthatslidesdownmyspine.

“What?”Iask,completelyconfused.

“Later,Nick,”AshergrowlsandIrealizewhathe’sdoing.

Heckno!IwalkedinandhehasagirlpracticallysittingonhislapbutIcan’tevenintroducemyselfto
Nick.Ipullmyselfaway,ortrytobecausehisarmjustgetstighter.Screwit.Istickoutmyhandin
Nick’sdirection.“Hi,Nick.I'mNovember.ItwasnicetomeetyoubutIjustrealizedthatIforgotto
washmyhairandneedtogohomeanddothat.So,maybeI’llseeyouaround?”Itellhim.

“Ugh,yeahsure,”hesays,lookingbetweenmeandAsherwhilerunninghishanddownthebackofhis
neck.Withthat,IpullmyselfoutofAsher’sgraspandwalkoutthedoorthatIwalkedthroughlessthan
threeminutesago.

“Hey,whatthefuck?Slowdown.”

Ispinaround,almostrunningintohim.I’msopissedthatIcanfeelmybloodheating.“Lookhere,
buddy,”Iyellwhilepokinghischest.“Idon’tknowwhatyourproblemisbutyoujustembarrassedme.
God!”Ishout.“WhythehelldidIevencome?”

“Hewasgoingtohitonyouandthat’snothappening,especiallynotrightinfrontofmyface.”

“Really,youbigjerk.I'mshockedthatyounoticedbecauseyouhadbigboobedBarbiebasicallysitting
onyourlapwhenIwalkedin.”Ipokehiminthechestagain.“And,foryourinformation,allNickwas
goingtodowasshakemyhand.”

“BigboobedBarbie?”HelaughsandIwanttokickhim.“Areyoujealous?”heasks,smirking.

“I'mnotjealous.I'membarrassedandpissedoff.”EventhoughIwasjealous,thereisnowayIwould
tellhimthat.Itseemstomethatheprobablyalreadyhadtroublewalkingintobuildingswiththesizeof
hisbigfathead.

“Okay,I’lltrynottoembarrassyouanymore.Now,willyoupleasecomeinsidewithme?”heasks,
givingmepuppydogeyes.“Mybrothersareherebuttheyhavetoleaveinacouplehoursandwewant
togetafewgamesofpoolinbeforethat.”

IreallymusthavelostalotofbraincellswhenIwasattackedbecauseallIcansayis,“Fine.”Istart
walkingbacktowardthebarwithhimwhenheputshisarmaroundme.“God,Imustbecrazy,”Isay
undermybreath.

“Justsoyouknow,youlookbeautifultonight,”hesaysinmyear.“Butifanymotherfuckertouches
you,Iwillnotbehappy.”

“Canyoupleasetrynottobeajerkandpissmeoffforthenexthour?”Iask,lookingupathim.

“I’lltry,”hesays,bringingmeclosertohisbody.Itrytopullawaybuthejustholdsmeeventighter.
So,Idowhatanywomandoeswhenshedoesn’tgetherway.Icrossmyarmsovermychesttolethim
knowthatI'minnowaycooperating.Ihearhimchuckle.Ilookupandglareathimbutallitdoesis
makehimsmilebigger.Gettinginside,wewalkuptothetablehewassittingatearlier.Thegirlisgone
buttheotherthreeguysarestillsittingthere.Andtheyareallgorgeous.

“November,thesearemybrothers.Trevor,NicoandCash.Guys,thisisNovember,BigMike’s
daughter.”AlltheguysaresittingsoIcan’ttellhowtalltheyarebuttheylookbigandgorgeous.

TrevorhasdarkbrownhairthatiscutshortlikeAsher’s.HehasbrowneyeswiththelongestlashesI
haveeverseen,hisjawissquarewithacoupledays’worthofstubbleonitandhehasanamazingsmile
butnodimple.

Nicohasdarkblondhairthatneedstobecut.Helookslikethebabyofallofthemwithdarkerblue
eyesthanAsher’sandhisfaceismoreroundthansquare.Hehashislefteyebrowpiercedandgauges
inhisears.IfIhadtouseonewordtodescribehim,itwouldbe’trouble’butthegoodkindthatyou
sneakoutofyourbedroomwindowinthemiddleofthenighttogolookfor.

CashlooksthemostlikeAsherwithlightblueeyes,darkbrownhairandasquarejawbuthissmileis
sweetandhewasblessedwithtwodimplesratherthanone.IfeellikeIjusthitthehotguymotherlode.
Ifmybestfriend,Tia,washere,shewouldbefreakingout.

“Shutthefuckup,”Nicosays,makingmecomeoutofmyhotguydaze.

“Ididn’tknowthatBigMikehadadaughter,letaloneadaughterwholookslikeyou.Whatdidhedo,
hideyouawayallthistime?”CashasksandIlaugh.

“Um,no,”Isay,feelingheathitmycheeks.“I’vebeenlivinginNewYorkwithmymom.”

“Whydidyoumovehere?”Nicoasks.

“Ijustdidn’tfeelsafestayinginthecityanymoresoImoveddownhere.Iwasalreadyplanningto
movetoTennesseeinafewmonthsbutwithwhathappened,Ijustcameearlier.”IcouldfeelAsher’s
armaroundmywaisttightensomuchthatIcouldmakeouteachofhisfingers.

“Whathappened?”

“Justawrongplacewrongtimething,”Isay,notwantingtotalkaboutit.

“Well,I'mgladyou’reokay,”Nicosays.”Yeah,”theyallagreed.

“Yo,bro,youmaywanttoloosenyourgripbeforeyourhandfuseswithherwaist,”Cashsays,
laughing.ThewholesituationstartstofeeluncomfortableandIneedtoputsomespacebetweenmeand
Asher.

“Well,Icameheretohaveabeerandplayagameofpoolsothat’swhatI’mgonnado,”Isayandtryto
walkawaytowardsthebarbutquicklyfeelanarmgoaroundmychest.

“Wheredoyouthinkyou’regoing?”Asherwhispersinmyear.Icanfeelthewarmthfromhisbreath
againstmyskinandIhadtofightmyselffromleaningintohim.

“Togetabeer?”Itellhim.

“Whatkindofbeerdoyouwant?I’llgetitforyouwhileyousitwithmybrothers.”

“Areyoualwaysthisbossy?”Iask,tryingtotugfree.

“Nope,justwithyou,baby.”Hechuckles.

“Oh,joy,”Isay,sarcastically.Icanfeelhisbodyshakewithlaughter.

“Sowhatdoyouwanttodrink?”heasks.

“Coronawithlime,”Itellhim,debatingonwhethertotakeofftheminutehisbackisturned.Hemust
seemyintentionbecausehepullsoutastool,picksmeup,andsitsmeonit.

“Sithere.I’llberightback.”Helooksathisbrothers.“Watchher,”hesaysandtheyalllookathimlike
he’sgonecrazy.I'mgladtoknowthatI'mnottheonlyonewhothinksso.

“Sohowdidyoumeetourbrother?”Trevorasks,lookingacrossthebaratAsherwhohasturnedaround
andiswatchingme.

“Istartedworkingformydadand—”

“What?”theyallcutmeoff.“Shit,whendoyougoon?I'msogonnabethere,”Nicosayswithareally

goofysmileonhisface.ThenIrealizewhatIjustsaid.

“What?”Ishriek.“No,ImeanIworkforhimdoingthebooks,”Isay,laughingandshakingmyhead.
“Sorry,no.I'mnotastripper.”

“Damn,that’sashame,”Cashsays,smilingandIlaughharder.

“What’sashame?”AsheraskswhilewalkinguptothetablewithtwoCoronas,handingmeone.

“ThatNovemberisnotastripper,”Cashsaysandtheyalllaugh.Icanfeelmyfacegettingred.

IlookatAsherandseehisjawtighten.“Anyways,”Isay,cuttingin,“yourbrotherthoughtIwasa
stripper.Hemadebigdealaboutmegoingtomycarwithoutanescort.”Thinkingbackonit,thewhole
thingisprettyfunny.“HeeventhoughtIwassleepingwithmydadbecauseIcalledhim‘Daddy.’I
mean,ewwww,”Isay,scrunchingupmynose.“Thelookonhisfacewaspricelesswhenmydadcame
overandintroducedmeashisdaughter.”Everyonestartedlaughing,evenAsher.“SoIworkformydad
doingthebooksfortheclub.ItshouldtakemeaboutamonthtogetorganizedandthenIwon’teven
needtobethere.”

“That’scool,”Trevorsaysandtheyallnodtheirheadsinagreement.

“Doyouwanttoplaypool?”Nicoasks,lookingoveratthenowemptypooltable.

“Sure.”Ishrugandgetoffthestool.Itakeoffmyhoodieandwrapitaroundmypurse.Trevorgrabsit
andputsitinthebooththenIstartwalkingtowardsthepooltableswiththeboysfollowingbehindme.I
canfeelAsher’shandonmylowerback,guidingmethroughthebar.We’reafewstepsfromthetable
whenbigboobedBarbiestepsinfrontofourgroup.Isteparoundherandleavethemtodealwithher.

“Whereareyougoing?”Ihearherwhine.Whywomendothat,Iwillneverknow.Dotheynotknow
thatit’sannoying?

“We’regonnaplaypool,”IhearAshertellher.“What?Wait,”shesays.Iturnaroundandseeher
grabbingontohisarm.“I’vebeenwaitingallnightforyoutogethereandyou’regoingtoditchme?”

“Youcan’tditchsomeoneyou’renotwith,”Cashmumblesfrombesideme.

Iturnaroundandstartsettingupthetable.Ihavenointerestinwatchingherthrowherselfathim.
“Okay,guys.Who’sgonnabreak?”Ilookupbuttheyalllookconfused.“Arewegonnaplayorwhat?”
Iask,lookingateachofthem.

“I’llbreak,”Nicosays,walkingtopickastickfromthewall.

Standingnearthetable,Ifeelheatatmyback.“Youkeepwalkingawayfromme,”AshersaysandI
almostlaughbecausehesoundsupset.

“Oh,I'msorry.Ididn’trealizethatIwassupposedtostandtherewhileyougotridofbigboobed
Barbie.”

“Youcouldhavetakenmewithyouwhenyouwent.”

“I’lltrytorememberthatnexttime,”Isay,shakingmyhead.

Nico,standingnexttous,startslaughing.“Wow.Thefirstonewhoisimmune.Ismellarecipefor
disasterbrewing,”hesays.Ashersmilesdownatmelikehe’shappyaboutsomething.

“Whatever.”Igivehimmymostsarcasticsmile.Playingpoolwiththeguysisfun.MeandAsherare
laughingandhavingagoodtime.TheguysaretellingmefunnystoriesaboutpeopleintownandAsher
introducesmetosomepeoplewhoknowmydad.

Therehavebeenatonofpeopledroppingbythetable,talkingtohisbrothers,orjustintroducing
themselvestome.Afteranhour,Istarttonoticethattherewerealotofwomengatheringaroundus.
WheneverItrytomakeeyecontactwiththem,theygivemeadirtylook.IthoughtthiswasoddandI
hadnoideawhoanyofthemwere.Then,moreandmorewomenstartedcomingaroundthetable.There
weresomanythatitwashardtoshootwithoutrammingthestickintooneofthem.

Asherwasstandingnearmewhenaveryprettywomanwithaperfectbody,deepredhairandmilky
whiteskincameuptous.ShewaswearinganoutfitsimilartobigboobedBarbieexceptherbrawas
black.Iwasstartingtowonderifthiswassomekindofdresscodebecausetheyweren’ttheonlytwo
womenwearingsomethingsimilar.

“Hi,Asher,”shepurred,placingherselfbetweenmeandhimwhilepressingherboobsintohischest.

“Jen,”herepliedwithoutreallylookingather.Thenshestagedwhisperedinhisearsothatwecouldall
hearher.

“Areyoucomingtomyhousetonight?”

“Whywouldyouaskthatshit?Ihaven’tbeentoyourhouseforoverayear,”hesays,crossinghisarms
overhischest.Shewasalmostastallashim.Irealizedthattheywouldmakeabeautifulcoupleand
wouldgiveMs.Aliceamazinglookinggrandbabies.That’swhenIknewIneededtoleave.

Yeah,hewashotbutitwasclearthathewasaplayer.Notonlythat,butIwouldsaythatwedidn’tfitat
all.I'mcutebutnotbeautiful.I'malsonotskinny.Ihaveatummy,bigboobsandabiggerbuttand,on
topofallthat,I'mshort.Itwouldneverwork.NotwhenIcouldseethewomenthathenormallywent
after.Theyallwereperfectlyskinnywomenwholookedlikemodels.

Ikepttellingmyselfthatthiswasn’tadateandthatIdidn’twanthimlikethat,buthonestly,nowoman
intheirrightmindwouldlookataguylikehimandnotgettheirhopesup.And,afterhangingoutwith
himandgettingtoknowhimsome,Ifoundoutthathewaskindofsweetandreallyfunny.ButnowI
wasdone.Dateornot,havingwomencomeupandrubthemselvesalloverhimwithlooksthatsaid
theyknewexactlywhattoexpectifhetookoneofthemhomewastoomuch.IknewIneededto
bounceasinB-O-U-N-C-Eonoutofthere.

Ididn’twanttomakeitobviousthatIwasleavingbecauseofthewomenthatwerehangingaroundsoI
wasbidingmytimeandtalkingtoNico.ThensomegirlnamedBeckycameoverandIhadenough.I
couldn’tholditinanylongerandIknewthatifIdidn’tleave,Iwasgoingtoaskallthewomen
standingaroundhowthehelltheymadeitintothegirl’sclub.I'mprettysurethereisaruleaboutacting
desperatewrittenonthefirstpage.

“Okay,guys,”Isay,lookingatmywatch,orwhereIwouldhaveoneifIeverworeawatch.“Igottago.
Ineedtotakemydogforawalkbeforeitgetstoolate.”Alltheguysturntolookatme.

“You’releavingtowalkyourdog?”Cashaskedinatonethatsaidhedidn’tbelieveme.ButIdidn’t
careanymore.Ijustneededtoleave—quickly.

“Yeah,Iwalkhimeverynight.So,IguessI’llseeyouguysaroundsometime.Itwasnicemeetingyou
all.”

Iwalktothebooththathadallofourcoatsanddugmineoutfromthebottomofthepile,alongwithmy
purse.Turningaround,Ibumpedintoasolidwall.

“Sorry!”Isay.Asherwasglaringdownatmewithalookofdisbeliefandwhatappearedtobealotlike
angeronhisveryhandsomeface.Iwantedtolaugh.Whatdidhereallyexpect?Hebroughtmetoa
placewhereeveryfiveminutes,he’sgettinghiton.Itwastotallyrude!Hehassomanyfemalesvying
forhisattention,Iwassurehewouldn’tevennoticeIwasgone.Plus,I’velivedwithawomanwhohad
tobethecenterofattentionandIrefusetodatesomeonewhohadthesameproblem.Notthatthiswasa
date…I'mjustsaying,Iwouldn’tdothattomyself.

“Excuseme,”Isay,tryingtowalkaroundhim.Hegrabsmyhandandstartspullingmeoutthedoor
behindhim.

“Later,November.”Ihearfrombehindmealongwithalotoflaughter.

“Yeah,later,guys,”Iyellback,tryingtopullmyhandfreewithoutmakingascene.

“Canyouslowdown,buddy?Yourlegsarealotlongerthanmine,”IsaytoAsher’sback.Hedoesn’t
sayanythingbuthedoesslowdown.Whatever.Ijustneedtogethomeandforgetthisdayever
happened.OnceI’matmycar,Ipullmyhandfreeandstartsearchingformykeys.

“Well,thanksforthebeer,”Isay,lookinginmybag.“Itwasum…fun.Ah…thereyouare,yousneaky
littlebuggers,”IsaywhenIfindmykeys.Igotounlockmydoorandmykeysaresnatchedoutofmy
hand.

“Hey,Ineedthose,”Iyell,tryingtoreachforthekeysthatarenowinAsher’shand.

“Youcanhavethembackafteryoutellmewhythefuckyou’releaving?”

“What?IalreadytoldyouIhavetowalkBeast.He’slookingforwardtoit,”Isay,crossingmyarms
overmychest.Hewatchesmecrossmyarmsandhislipsgointoaflatline.

“Yeah,yousaidthataboutyourdog.ButIknowthat’snottherealreasonsotellmywhythefuck
you’rereallyleaving.”

Iputmyhandsonmyhips,realizingthatI'mpissedoffonceagain.“Listen,buddy,Ihavetogowalk
mydog.I’vetoldyouthreetimesnow.”Ishowhimthreefingersjusttomakesuremypointismade.

“Whatthefuck?Wewerehavingagoodtimethenallthesuddenyourfacelookedlikesomeonestole
youricecreamandyouhadtoleave.”

“You’resoannoying!Can’tIjustwanttogohometomydog?”Iask.

“Iknowthattherewerealotofpeopleinthereand—”

“Alotofpeopleinthere?”Iask,completelyshocked.Didhenotnoticetheharemofwomengathered
aroundus?Yes,hisbrotherswerethereandtheyarejustashotashim,buttheydidn’taskmetocome
here.Asherdid.

“Ijustthoughtyouwouldliketomeetsomepeople.Iknowthatyou’renewtotown.”

Well,atleastnowIknowforsurethatthiswasinnowayadate.Hejustwantedtobeniceand
introducemetopeople.Wow,I'msuchaloser.NowI’mpissedoffthatImademyselfbelievethat
maybehelikedme.AndIwasevenmorepissedoffthatmostofthepeopleheintroducedmetowere
womenthathehadsleptwith.Imean,really.Washerecruiting?

“Well,buddy,Ididhaveagoodtime.Maybewhenwedoitagain,youcantellallthechicksthatyou’re
sleepingwith,orhavesleptwith,tocomebyandwe’llallhangout.Theyseemedsoexcitedtomeet
me.Howdoesthatsoundtoyou?”Hismouthwashangingopenandhelookedshocked.“CanIhave
mykeysnow?”Iask,holdingoutmyhand.Ifeellikeanidiotforsayingthat,butIknowthereisno
waytoshovethewordsbackdownmythroat.

“It’sbeenalongtimesinceIsleptwithanyofthem.”

“I'msure!”Isay,holdingoutmyhand.“Now,mykeys?”

“It’sthetruth,”hesaysandIseeaticinhisjaw.

“Okay,”Isay,notbelievingforonesecondthecrapthat’scomingoutofhismouth.“CanIhavemy
keys?”

“No.We’retakingmyjeep.”

“What?”IcanactuallyfeelmyeyespoppingoutofmyheadlikeI'msomecrazycartooncharacter.

“We’retakingmyjeeptogetyourdogandtakehimforawalk.”

“No,we’renotdoinganything.I'mgettinginmycarandgoinghometowalkmydog,”Isay,pointing
atmyself.“Youcandowhateveritisthatyoudo.”

Chapter3

WhythehellamIsittinginhiscar?Oh,yeah,Iremember.Hepickedmeupandcarriedme—kicking
andscreaming—overhisshouldertohisjeep.Then,hedroppedmeinthedriver’ssideandforcedme
overtothepassenger’sseatwhileholdingmyhandsoIcouldn'tescape.

“You’reajerk,youknowthat,right?”Isaywithmyarmscrossedovermychest.

"Youalreadysaidthat,babe.”Iswear,Icanseeasmileonhisface.“Butifyouwouldhavejustagreed
togetinmyjeep,wewouldnotbehavingthisconversation.”

“Whydoyouevenwanttocome?”Iaskinahuff.

"I'mnotreadytohaveyououtofmysight."

“Why?”

“BecauseI'minterested.”

“I'msure.”Irollmyeyes.“Soifyouinterested,thenwhynotaskmeoutlikeanormalguyinsteadof
basicallykidnappingme?”

"Why?IfIaskedyouout,youwouldhaveblownmeoffandavoidedme.Thisway,youdon'thavea
choice.Ihaveyourkeysandyourphone."

“Youhavemyphone?”Iscreech,openingmybagtoseeifhe’stellingthetruth.“Howdidyougetmy
phone?OhmyGod,you’reinsane.I’mdrivingdownadarkroadwithaninsanepersonwhokidnapped
me.”

IhearhimlaughingandIlookovertomakesurethatI'mnotimaginingthings.Hehasareallygreat
laugh.Ugh...Whycouldn’thehaveacrappylaugh?Ishakemyheadindisgust.

“Relax,Ijustwanttospendmoretimewithyou.Yourdadtrustsmesoyou’resafe.Tellmeaboutyour
mom,”hesays,completelyignoringmyquestionaboutmyphoneandthefactthathekidnappedme.

Geez…

"We'renottalkingaboutmymom.Andmydadmightlikeyoubuthedoesn’ttrustyou.Hesaysyou’re
aplayer.AndaftertheperformanceIsawtonight,Iwouldagreewithhim.”

“I'mnosaint,butIhavebeenhonestwitheverywomanthathashitmysheets.Theyknowthescore
beforeanythinggoesdown.”Asmuchasitmakesmystomachknottothinkabouthimwithallthose
women,Ihavenorighttojudgehim.

“You’reright.I'msorry,”Iwhisper.IheardhimletoutabreathandIswearIfeelhiswholebodyrelax
fromacrossthecabofhisjeep.

“So,tellmeaboutyourmom.”

“We’renottalkingaboutmymom.”

"Whynot?"

“Becausemymomstressesmeout.Talkingabouthergetsmeupsetevenwhenshe'sthousandsofmiles
away.”

“Well,mymomisawesome.Sheworksformeandmybrothersdoingofficeworkatourconstruction
company.Shebakesuscookiesatleastacoupletimesaweekandmakessureweeatlunch.”

Istartgiggling,thinkingabouthimandhisbrothers,whoareallbuiltlikeredwoodtrees,havingtheir
mombakethemcookiesandremindthemtoeatlunch.

"Shesoundssweet,”Isay,laughingbecauseitreallyisnice.IhopeonedayIcanbethatkindofmom
tomykids.“Whatdoesyourdaddo?”Iaskstupidly.

“Dad’sthesheriff.He’sbeenacopforever.Momneverworkedtillwegraduatedhighschool.”

“You’rereallylucky.Mymomwasneverreallyaround,”Isay,leaningmyheadbackagainsttheseat
andclosingmyeyes.Icanactuallyfeelthesadnessinmyownwords.Hereachesoverandsqueezesmy
knee.Ican’tdealwithanyonefeelingsorryforme,especiallynothim,soIchangethesubject.

“Soyourbrothersworkconstructionwithyou?Andyouworkformydad?”Iask,confused.

"Weallworktogether.IstartedthebusinessafterIgotoutoftheMarineCorps.Then,wheneachof
themgraduatedfromcollege,theyboughtintothecompany.Idon’tworkforyourdad.Mycousinowns
abusinessthatsuppliessecurityandbodyguardstobusinesseslikeyourdads.Thosethataren’tthe
norm.Everyonceinawhile,he’llcallmeinandaskmetocheckononeofhismen.

"It’sgreatthatyougettoworkwithyourbrothers,”Isay,thinkingit’sgoodthathedoesn’tworkatthe
stripclub.Idon’tknowhowIwouldfeelaboutdatingaguyinthatlineofwork.Notthatwe’redating,
Iremindmyself.“Yourfamilyseemsreallynice.Well,yourgrandmaandbrothers,doanyways.”

"We'reallclose.It’snotalwayseasyworkingtogetherbutattheendoftheday,weknowthatwe’re
family.Doyouhaveanybrothersorsisters?"

“No.Mymomhadbiggerdreamsthanhavingafamily,”Isayaswepullupinfrontofmyhouse.

Thehouseiscompletelydark.TheonlylightaroundiscomingfromtheheadlightsofAsher’sjeep.
“Whatthehell”Imumble,startingtofeelnervousaboutgoinginside.NotbecauseAsheriswithme
andwe’realone.Thisismoreofascaredfeeling,likewhenIhaveabaddreamandthefrightstays
stucktoyouforawhileafteryouwakeup.

"Whydidn'tMikeleavealightonforyou?"Asherasks,lookingoveratme.

“Uh…Idon'tknow.I'malwayshomewaybeforeheleaves.Maybehejustforgot,”Isay,startingtoget
outofthejeep.Istopwhenheopensthegloveboxandpullsoutagun.“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskin
shock.

“Safety.”That’sallhesaysbeforeheopenshisdoor.Ifollow,openingmine.BeforeIevenmakeitto
thefrontofhisjeep,he’snexttome,grabbingmyhand.ThewarmthfromhistouchissoothingandI
swearIcanfeelhimrubbinghisthumbbackandforthagainstmyskin.Westarttowalkuptheporch
whenhestopsme."Isthereanotherwaytogetinthehouse?"heasks,turningtowardsme.

“Myapartmentisinthebasementandhasitsownentrance,"Itellhim,lookingaround.

“Stayclose,”hesayssoftly.Iholdontothebackofhisshirt,walkingsoclosethatIdon’tthinkyou
couldslipapieceofpaperbetweenus.Icanhardlyseeinthedarkness.Theonlysourceoflightis
comingfromthemoon,cuttingthroughtheclouds.Walkingaroundthesideofthehouse,myheart
startspounding.Itfeelslikeit’sgoingtojumpoutofmychest.MybreathingstartstopickupwhenI
thinkaboutwhathappenedthelasttimeIwenthomeafterdark.

ThenightthatIwasattacked,Ihadbeenwalkingtomyapartmentfromthesubway.Ipassedthealley
nexttomybuildingandaguygrabbedmefrombehind,coveredmymouththendraggedmedowninto
theshadowsnexttoadumpster.That’swhereheproceededtobeatme.IfoughtasmuchasIcouldand
wasfeelingdizzybythetimehestoodoverme,grabbingmyhead.Iknewhewasgoingtobashmy
headintotheconcretesoIclosedmyeyesandstartedtopray.Then,hewasgoneandIcouldvaguely
seeBeastattackinghim.

Ashermustnoticemeshakingbecausehestopsandpullsmeintohisbig,warmbody.Hisarmsgo
aroundmeandIfeelhislipstouchmyhair.Hesmellslikespicy,warmmananditmakesmewantto
crawlintohisskin.Hepullsmyfaceoutofhischestandbringshisfacetowardsmine.

“It’sokay,baby,”hewhispers,puttinghisforeheadtomine.“Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.Iwant
youtobreathedeeplyforme,okay."IamsocaughtupinhowcloseheisthatIcan’tthinkabout
anythingbutleaninginandtouchingmymouthtohis.Ishakemyhead,tryingtoclearit,andtakea
deepbreath.Iwonderifhecanreadmymindbecauseeveninthedarkness,Icanseethewhiteofhis
smile.

“Youready?”heasks.IfeelhisbreathagainstmylipssoIpullmyfaceawayandnod,nottrusting
myselftospeak.Myapartmentdoorisdownashortsetofstairs.Asher'sinfrontofmeandheopensthe
door.“StayhereuntilIcomeandgetyou,”hesays,enteringmydarkapartment.

"Okay,”Isayasmyhandsstarttoshake.Afterafewminutes,Beastcomesrunningout.Ibenddownto
pethimbuthisfurfeelswet.Whattheheck?Holdingmyhandsclosetomyface,theylookreallydark.
ThenthelightcomesonandIscream.Myhandsarecoveredinblood.“OhmyGod!Whathappened?”
Isay,runningmyhandsoverBeast’sbody.He'sredalsobutIcan'tfeelanykindofcutsorholeson
him.I'mshakingsobadlythatIhavetositontheground.Beastimmediatelycrawlsintomylap.

"Fuck,"Asherclips,comingoutside.HepushesBeastoffmeandpullsmeintohisarms.“Baby,it’s
okay.Calmdown.”

Itho…I…IthoughtBeastwashurtbutIcouldn’tfindanythingwrongwithhim.Whyishecoveredin
blood?”Isobwhileherubsmybackandpullsmetighterintohim.

“Beastisfinebutweneedtocallthepolice.Someonebrokeintothehouseandusedsomethingredto
writeonthewalls.Somehow,Beastgotitonhimbeforetheylockedhimupstairs.”Beforehecanfinish

whathe’ssaying,Irunintomyapartment.Thelivingroomistrashed.Onthewall,inredlettersthat
lookslikeblood,isamessage.

Nosun-nomoon!

Nomorn-nonoon-

Nodawn-nodusk-nopropertimeofday.

Nowarmth,nocheerfulness,nohealthfulease,

Nocomfortablefeelinanymember-

Noshade,noshine,nobutterflies,nobees,

Nofruits,noflowers,noleaves,nobirds!-

November!

“Whatthehell?”IwhisperasAsherpicksmeupandcarriesmebackoutside.

“Iknowthatpoem.It’sNovemberbyThomasHood.Whywouldsomeonewritethatonmywall?”I
ask,tryingtofigureoutwhatthewordsmean.

“I'mnotsure,”hesays.I’msureIfeelhimkissthesideofmyhead.

“Icanwalk,youknow,”Igrumble.Hedoesn’tanswermeorputmedownuntilhedropsmeinthe
passengersideofhisjeep.Withmyfeetoutthedoor,hestandsbetweenmylegs.Hisarmswraparound
mybodyandoneofhishandsreachesinhisbackpocketforhisphone.

“Hey,Dad.Gottaproblem.I'matBigMike’shousewithhisdaughter,November.Herapartmentwas
brokeninto.Yeah,Mike’sdaughter.We’renotgonnatalkaboutthatshitrightnow.Yeah,seeya."
Closingthephone,hetossesitbehindmeonthedriver’sseat.I'mlookingdownatmyhands.They’re
coveredinredgunkandsoaremyjeans.AllIcanwonderiswhowoulddothisandwhy.

“Lookatme,baby!”Iliftmyeyestohisandtheyarewarmandconcerned.“Iwillmakesurethatyou
aresafe.Ipromise.”

Lookingintohiseyeswiththejeep’sinteriorlightreflectingoffthem,Icanseehe’sworriedsoItell
himaboutNewYorkandbeingattackedbeforeIleft.Helistensthewholetime.Hiseyesturndarker
andhisjawisgettingtighterwitheveryword.HeshakeshisheadwhenIfinish,pullingmeinforahug
thatIthinkismoreforhimthanforme.

"Thankyouforhelpingme,"Isay.

“You,”hesays,kissingmyhead,“neverhavetothankmefordoingsomethingIwanttodo."

“Well,I'mgladyouwerehere.”Andthat’snotalie.Ican’timaginewhatwouldhavehappenedifIhad
comehomebymyself.

"Fuck,baby,metoo,”hesays,lettingoutalongbreath.

IlookdownatBeast,whoissittingatourfeet,lookingupatusandwaitingtoseeifwe’restillgoing
forawalkorifImighthaveatreat.HisheadtiltswhenIstarttalkingtohim.“Lookslikeyou’regonna
getabath,boy.”Hetiltshisheadtheotherdirection.“Andwhenyou’redone,Ineedtakeonetoo,”I
saythenrealizedthatIwas,onceagain,talkingtomydog.IlookupatAsherandhe’ssmiling.Isaid
thefirstthingthatpoppedintomyhead.

"DoIlooklikeCarrie?”Heburstoutlaughingthenkissedmyforehead.

“Yeah,you’recoveredfromhavingthatdamndogsitonyouwhileyouhuggedhim.Whenmydadgets
hereandcheckseverythingout,youcanshower.”

“OhmyGod,”Iwhisper,horrifiedwhenIrememberthathisdadisthesheriff.“Yourdad’scoming?”

“Yeah,baby.He'sthesheriff.”

“OhmyGod,yourdad’scoming,”Irepeat.Withoutthinking,Istickmyhandsupthefrontofhisshirt
anduseittowipemyface."Isthatbetter?”Iask.

"Ican'tbelieveyoujustdidthat,”hesays,soundingcompletelyshocked.

“Oh,God.Yourdad’sgoingtomeetmelookinglikeCarrie,”Icryout.Istillhavemyhandsuphisshirt
soIrepeattheprocessofwipingmyface.ThenIusetheinsidetowipemyhands.Ilookupbecause
he'snotsayinganything.

"Ican'tbelieveyoujustdidthat.”

“Okay!So,ismostoftheredoffmyface?”Iask.

“Youowemeanewshirt,”hetellsme.

"Fine,whatever.Butistheredgone?”

“Yeah,baby.TheredismostlygonebutnowIdon'tknowifIshouldkissyouorspankyouforthat
shit."

“Whatever,"Iwhisperandpressmyforeheadagainsthischesttohidemyhugesmile.Mybellywas
doingacrobaticsatthethoughtofhimkissingme.Twominuteslater,redandbluelightsflashupthe
drivewayandtwopolicecarspullinnexttoAsher’sjeep.LookingaroundAsher'sbigbody,Iseeavery
tallmanwithgreyhairmixedwithdirtyblondwalkingtowardsus.Thismustbehisdad.

“Dad,thisisNovember,”Ashersays,takingastepback.Then,hepullsmefromtheseat.Whenmyfeet
hittheground,heputshisarmaroundme,draggingmeintohisbody.Hisdadissmilingwhenhewalks
towardsus.

“Hi,November.I’veheardalotaboutyouvisitingmymamawiththatdogofyours.She’sbeen
braggingaboutyouforafewweeksnow.ButIdidn’tknowthatyouwereBigMike’sdaughter.Idon’t
thinkanyoneevenknewhehadadaughter,”hesayswithakindsmileonhisface.

“Yourmomisaverynicelady,Mr.Mayson.And,notalotofpeopleknowaboutme,”Itellhimasif
hedoesn’talreadyknowit.

“PleasecallmeJames.Mr.Maysonmakesmefeelold.”

“Okay,”Isay,laughing.

“Sowhathappenedtonight?Yousaidsomeonebrokein?”

AshertoldhisdadabouttheredwritinginmylivingroomandBeastbeingcoveredinthesameliquid
thatwasusedonthewalls.Andhowallthelightswereoffinthehousewhenwegotthere.

“Okay,darlin’,doyouknowofanyonewhowouldwanttohurtyou?”heasks,lookingatme.

“No,butthereasonImovedhereisbecauseIwasattackedinNewYork.Then,onthewayhere,I
pulledintoareststoptoletBeastoutandacarwithNewYorkplatespulledupacoupleminuteslater.
ThestrangethingwasthatIwasparkedintheareafordogsandtheynevergotoutwithadog.Igot
spookedandranbacktomycarbutdidn’tseethemagain.SoIdon’tknowifitwasjustmyimagination
orifIwasreallyindanger.”

“There’snotelling,”hesays,lookingmoreconcerned.“Didyoueverreceivegiftsoranythingunusual
beforeyouwereattacked?”

“No,nothinglikethat.Why?DoyouthinkIhaveastalkerorsomething?”Iask,achillslidingdown
myspine.

“Don’tknow.I'mgonnadosomecheckingaroundandseeifwecanfindanything.Canyoustaywith
someoneelseforthenight?Idon’tthinkyoushouldbealone?”

“Um…Iugh…havetocallmydad.I'msurethatIcanstayatmygrandma’soruncle’s.”

“You’restayingwithme!”Ashersays,makingmyheartpound.

“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea,”Isay,lookingupathim.

“Well,Idon’tgiveafuck.You’renotleavingmysightandIdon’tthinkyourgrandmaorunclewant
mestayingateitheroftheirhouseswithyou.Soyou’restayingwithme.”

RollingmyeyesatAsher,Iseehisdadwatchingus.Helookssmugforsomereason.

“Yoursonisveryannoyingandbossy,”Itellhim.

“I'msurewithyouheis,darling.”Helaughs.“Buthe’saMaysonsoIalsoknowthathisbossysideis
comingfromisaverysafeplace,”hesays,lookingatme.Hissmileissowarmthatmystomachdoesa
flip.“WhatdidItellyou,son?”hesays,lookingatAsher.“Whenithappens—BOOM!”Hemakesa
motionwithhishandsofanexplosion.

“Whenwhathappens?”Iask.

“Nothing,”theysayatthesametime.

“Alrighty,then,”Isay,lookingbackatAsher.“Ineedtocallmydad.”Aftercallinghimandexplaining
everythingthathappened,Dadwantedtocomehome.IexplainedthatAsherandhisdadwerewithme

andthathedidn'tneedtoworry.Iknewtheclubwasbusybecauseeveryfewminutes,someonewas
askinghimaquestionwhilewewereonthephone.ItoldhimthatmeandBeastweregoingtostaywith
Asherforthenight.

Tosaymydaddidn'tlikethatideawasanunderstatement.IttooktenminutestoassurehimthatI
wouldn'tdoanythingstupidbuthestillmademeputAsheronthephonetoreiteratehispointtohim.
TheonlythingAshersaidwas,"She'ssafewithme,Mike,"thenhehandedmebackmyphone.Sonow
me,ahosedoffBeastandmyovernightbagareonourwaytoAsher'splace.Wedriveoutintothe
country.Allalongtheroadsareopenfields."Soyouliveouthere?"Iask,lookingathisprofileinthe
lightsofthedashboard.

"Yeah,IboughtthelandIliveonwhenIfirststartedmybusinessandstartedbuildingmyhousenot
longafter."

“Wow,that’simpressive.Howoldwereyouwhenyoustartedyourcompany?”Iask,wantingtoknow
hisagebuttryingtobesneakyaboutit.

“Iwastwenty-twowhenIfirststarted.”

“Oh.Howlongagowasthat?”IhearhimchuckleandIlookoverathim.“What’ssofunny?”

“I'mtwenty-seven,babe.Nothingisevereasywithyou,isit?”heasksandIhearamusementinhis
voice.

“Cool,”Isay,feelinglikeanidiotthathefiguredmeout.Wepassalargeredbarnthenturndownadirt
road.Ican’tseeanythingaheadofusuntilwegooverasmallhill.MybreathcatchesandI'mstunned.I
don’tknowwhatIexpectedbutIdidn’texpecttoseealarge,twostoryloghousewithawraparound
porchonthesecondlevel.Beamsareholdingitupandspaceforparkingisbelow.Iseeacarandfour
wheelerparkedunderit.

“Youbuiltthis?”IaskandeventomyselfIsoundbreathy.

“Yeah.IttookmefouryearstogetitfinishedbecauseIwasworkingonitbetweenjobs.”

“It’sbeautiful,”Isaybecause…wow,it’sjustamazing.

Wegetoutofthejeepandstartwalkinguptothefrontporch.Beastiswalkingbehindusandit’sso
quietoutherethatIcanhearhistailcuttingthroughtheair.He'ssoexcitedtoseethisnewplaceand
explore.AsherletusinsideandIamcompletelystunnedbywhatIsee.It’shuge.Youcanseethelogs.
Therearenowhitewalls.It’sallwarmwoodandopen.Therearegiantwindowsthatjutoutandmake
thespacealmostseemlarger.Thereisasunkenlivingroomwithalong,darkbluecouchinthecenter
oftheroom.Itlookslikeitneedstobereplacedbutitalsolooksreallycomfortable.Onthewall,there
isahugeentertainmentcenterandofftothesideisafloortoceilingfireplacemadeoutofdifferent
typesofrocks.Therearenopicturesorthrowpillowsofanykind.Actually,lookingaround,Irealize
thattherearenodecorationsanywhere.Weturnacornerandenteragiantkitchenwithstainlesssteel
appliances,granitecountertops,andalargeislandinthemiddlewiththestovebuiltintoit.Itlookslike
achef'sdreambutitalsolooksunused.

“Doyoucook?”Iask.That’stheonlyreasonIcanthinksomeonewouldwantakitchenthislarge.

“Some,”hesayswithalookonhisfacethatIcan’tread.Whattheheck?Thisisatopoftheline
kitchen.Iwouldlovetospendhoursinthiskitchenbakingorjustsittingattheislandanddrinking
coffee.

“Oh,well,it’sareallynicekitchen.”Imean,whatelseIcouldsay?

“Gladyoulikeit,”hesaysinawaythatmakesmethinkhe’sreallygladthatIlikeit.Ifollowhimdown
ahallthatrunsbesidethekitchen.IlookforBeastbutdon’tseehimsoIturnaroundtosearchhimout.
WhenIwalkbackthroughthekitchen,Istop.Beastislyingonthecouchonhisbackwithhislegs
straightupintheair.IfeelanarmslidearoundmywaistandAsherspeaksclosetomyear.“Lookslike
hemadehimselfathome.”AshiverrunsacrossmyskinandIknowthathecanfeelitwhenhisarm
goestighter.

“ShouldItellhimtogetdown?”Iask.

“No,baby.He’sfine,”hesaysinhisdeepdrawl.Ilovethathecallsmebaby,andatthesametime,it
scaresmethatIloveit.“Letmeshowyouthebedroom,”hemumbles.Athiswords,Igetanother
shiver.Thisone’sinacompletelydifferentplace.

Wewalkpasttworoomswiththedoorsopen.Oneisanofficeandtheotherisaworkoutroom.Across
thehallfrombothisabathroom.Attheendofthehall,heopensthedoor.Ifollowbehindhimand
realizethatthisishisbedroom.Thereisaplatformbedthat’ssobig,everyoneIknowcouldsleeponit
andnoonewouldeventouch.Thesheetsandblanketsareamessandthereareclothesscatteredallover
thefloor.

Nexttothebedisawallofwindowsandtheshadesareslightlyopen.Icanseeadeckoffhisroomas
well.Besidethebedarenightstandsbuiltintothewall.Thereisalong,blackdresserinthesamecolor
ofthebedandsidetables.Therearetwodoors.OneisopenandIcantellthatit’smydreamcloset.It’s
thesizeofmyapartmentbackinNewYork.Iwalktowardsitwithoutthinkingandturnonthelight.I
couldfitachairandatableinthespaceandstillhaveroomtoaddakingsizebed.

Thereareshelvesonbothsidesthathaveafewpairsofshoesandbootsonthemandalongthewalls
thereisplentyofspacetohangclothes.Thereareafewpiecesofclothinghangingbutmostofitisin
pilesonthefloor.

“OhmyGod,I'minlove.”IhearAsherlaughingbehindmesoIturntolookovermyshoulder.

“Youhavecommittedahugecrime,”Itellhimwithacompletelystraightface.He’sstilllaughing.“No,
seriously,thisclosetshouldbetakencareofandshouldneverhavestuffdefacingthefloor.”Hethrows
hisheadbackandislaughingsohardthatthetendonsinhisneckareout.Icatchmyselfwantingtorun
mytonguealongthem.Idoubleblinkatthatthought.Whenhiseyescomebacktomine,he’sstill
chuckling.

“Idon’tevenlikedoinglaundry.I'mnotabigfanofhangingshitup,”hetellsme.

“Oh,ofcourse,”Iwhisper.Geez,I'msuchadork.He’saguy.Theydon’tcareaboutdreamclosetsand
havingthespacetoshowofalltheirfashiontreasures.Istepoutoftheclosetandcrossmyarmsunder
mybreasts.HiseyesdroptomycleavagesoIquicklyuncrossmyarms.Then,IrealizethatI'm

standinginhisbedroomandI'msleepinginhishousewhilehe’sthere.

Ilookatthebedthenbackathim.He’swatchingmethewholetime.Whenwemakeeyecontactagain,
thereissomethingworkingbehindhisbeautifulblueeyesthatmakesmeholdmybreath.Hebreakseye
contactandrunshishandoverhishead.Iclenchmyhandsintofist.Iwanttoknowifhishairwillfeel
pricklyagainstmypalms.“Um…”Isay,tryingtoclearmybrainnowthatitseemstohavegoneintoan
Asherfog.Helooksupandsmiles.Iseehisdimpleandthatdoesn’thelp.NowIwanttolickhischeek
andtastehisdimple.HissmilewidensandIswearthathecanreadmymind.Crap,crap,crap.

“Here,letmeshowyouthebathroomandyoucanchangeandgetreadyforbed,”hesays.

ThankGodforsmallfavors,Ithinktomyselfuntilwewalkintothebathroom.Thereisalargewalkin
showerthat’smadeoutofrockwithaglassdoorthatmakesitlooklikeanopencave.Nexttothe
showerisabathtubthatdreamsaremadeof.Well,atleastgirldreams.Ican’tpictureAsherfillingit
withbubblesandhavingasoak.Then,I'mbombardedwiththoughtsofAshernakedandinthebathtub.
I'mstaringatthetubwhenIhearhimmovingbehindmesoIturnaround.Hehasmybaginhishand
andissettingitonthesink.

“Feelfreetotakeabathandgetintobed.Igottamakeafewcalls.”Iwouldlovetotakeabathinhis
tub.Well,IwouldlovetotakeabathinhistubwithhimbutIpushthatthoughtaway.

“Uh,thanks,”Isay,feelingstrange.Hesmilesandleaves,closingthedoorbehindhim.Istandtherefor
afewmoreminutes,tryingtofigureoutwhattheheckishappening.ThenIrealizethatI’vebeen
standingtherestaringatthetubsoIjerkoutofmyAshertubfogandgotothesink.Itookashower
beforeIleftmyhousesoIjustdigthroughmybagandfindmypajamas.They’rewhite,cotton,sleep
shortswithayellowdrawstringthatmatchesayellowtanktop.Itiemyhairinaknotatthetopofmy
headandwashmyface.Then,Idigthroughmybagandfindmytoothbrushandtoothpaste.

AfterI'mdone,Iputonsomenighttimeskincream.Thatisonethingmymomtaughtme.Itwasgood
advicetonevergotobedwithoutnightcream.Shewouldsay,‘Nomanwantsawomanwithwrinkles.’
Howshewouldknow,thisIdon’tknow.ShehasbeengettingBotoxsinceshewastwentyandthat’s
probablythelasttimeherfaceshowedanexpressionthatwasn’tsurprise.

Iopenthedoortothebedroomandtheroomisdarkexceptforoneofthebedsidelights.Irealizethat
AshermadethebedwhileIwaschangingandforsomereasonthatmakesmesmile.Ithinkaboutgoing
outandgettingBeastbuthewon’tmoveifhe’sasleepunlessIcarryhimandthat’snotgoingtohappen.
IwonderwhereAsherissleeping.ThenIrealizethatI'mtiredanddon’tcare.Ilookattheclockonthe
sidetableandseethatit’saftertwointhemorning.Withoutthinking,Icrawlintobed.Itsmellslikehim
soIpullthecoversovermeandI'm,onceagain,deadtotheworld.

******************************

Iwakeupfeelingwarmandcozy.IttakesmeaminutetorealizethatitisnotBeastbehindme.Beast
doesn’thavearms.Ikeepmyeyesclosedandholdmybreath,tryingtofigureoutwhathashappened?
Then,Ihearthedooropen.

“Ohmy,”Ihearawoman’svoicesayandmyeyespopopen,andI'mlookingintotheeyesofa
beautiful,olderwomanandshe'slookingbackatme.Asher'sarmgoestightaroundmeandIlookover

myshoulder.“Morning,baby,”herumblesintomyear.I'msohumiliatedthatIblurtoutthefirstthing
thatpopsintomyheadwhenIturnbacktolookatthewoman.

“Wedidn’thavesex!”Ibasicallyyellthisather.

TheladylooksatmeagainandsmilessobigthatIcanseeallofherteeth.“I'lljustbeinthekitchen,”
shesaysandAsherstartslaughingasshe’sclosingthedoorbehindher.IswearIhearhergiggle.As
soonasIknowthedoorisclosed,IturntoAsher.I'mreallygoingtokillhim.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask.

“Thisismybed,”hesays,smiling.Grrrrrrr.Iwanttochokehim.

“Ithoughtyouweresleepingonthecouchor,like,inanotherroomorsomething,”Isayandwonder
whyhethinksthisissofunny.

“WhywouldIdothat?Mybedisbig.Plus,yourdogwastakingupthewholecouch.”

“Youshouldhavewokenmeup.Iwould'vesleptonthecouchwithBeast,”Itellhim,tryingtoshove
hisarmoffme.

“Mybedisbigenoughforbothofus.Wedidn'tevenhavetotouch,buttheminuteIgotintobed,you
werealloverme,”hesays,huggingmetighter.

“OhmyGod,you'resofullofit.Iwasasleep.Ididn'tevenknowyouwerehere.HowcouldIbeall
overyou?”Iyellathimknowingfullwellthatmyfaceisturningred.

“WhenIclimbedintobed,youwrappedyourselfaroundme,”hesays,watchingmyface.Icanfeelit
gettingredderbythesecond.

“Ididn’t,”Isay,eventhoughImostlikelydid.Ihavealwayslikedtocuddle.

“Youdid,”hesays,smiling.

“Whatever,”Imumble,tryingtohidemyface.

“Atleasttellmethat’snotyourmother,”Isay,coveringmyfacewithmyhands.Hestartslaughingand
pullsmedowninthebedsoI'mbasicallylyingunderhim.Feelinghisskinagainstmine,Iuncovermy
eyesandseethathe’snotwearingashirt.HowImissedthat,Ihavenoidea.Hischestisawesome.It’s
wideandyoucanseethedefinitionofallofthemuscles.Hedoesn’thavealotofchesthair,justenough
thatyoucouldfeelitagainstyourchestashemovesinsideofyou.Histattoosstartunderhiscollarbone
andgoaroundhisshouldersanddownhisarms.Theylooklikefirebutit’salltribal.Runninginandout
oftheflamesarenamesandapairofmilitarytypeboots.Thenthesamedesigngoesdownhisother
armbutwithagunandamilitarytypehat.It’sshadedinblackandhasbrightcolorsrunningthrough.
It’strulyapieceofart.

“Yes,that’smyma.Sheprobablycametomakesureyouwereokay.I'msureDadtoldherwhat
happenedlastnight,”hesays,startlingmeoutoftheperusalIwasmakingofhisbodyandtattoos.I
lookupintohissmilingface,wonderingwhathethinksissofunnyabouthismomfindingmeinhis

bed.

“Thisissoembarrassing.SheprobablythinksI'maslut,”Isay,wonderingifthisisnormalforhim.

“Shedoesn’tthinkanythingexceptthatyouslepthereafteryourapartmentwasbrokeninto.Nowwe
needtogetupbutfirst,youneedtokissme,”hetellsmewithastraightface.

“What?”Iwhisper.

“Youneedtokissme.Allnightyousleptcuddledintome.Youcan’tdothattoamanwithoutatleast
kissinghim.”Hisfacewasclosetomineandhiseyeswerewarm.Myeyesdroptohismouth.Icouldn’t
helpit,hehasanicemouth.

“Kissme,”hewhispershismouthbrushingmine.

“No,”Iwhisperback,watchinghiseyesdarken.

“Okay,then.I'mgoingtokissyou,”hesaysagainstmylips.Mybrainisscreaming,‘Yes,yes.yes.’
ThenIfeelhislipstouchminesoftly.Myhandmovestohisbiceptoholdon.Whenhismouthmoves
awayfrommine,Iwanttopullhimback.Thenhelickstheseamofmymouthandtheminutehis
tonguetouchesme,mylipspart.

Ikisshimback,firstsoftlythenwildly.MyotherhandreachesforhishairandIrunmypalmagainstit,
feelingitpricklemyskin,happytoknowitfeelsasgoodasIthoughtitwould.Whenhishandwentto
myhair,Icouldfeelhimpulloutmyhairtieandgrabafistfullofhairatthebackofmyhead.Thebite
ofpainfeltsogoodthatImoanedintohismouth.Hebitmylipsoftlythensuckedmytongueintohis
mouth.Ifollowedhim,doingthesame.HegrowlsandhisotherhandtravelsalongmysideuntilIfeel
hisfingersnearmybreast.Ipressmyselfintohishandandhegrowlsagain.Myotherhandgoesfrom
hisbiceptohisback.Itissosmoothandhardatthesametime.I’mmesmerizedbythesensationofhis
thumbtravelingacrossmynipple,Iwhimper,archingintohim.Hepullshismouthawayfrommine,
shovingmyfaceintohisneck.“Fuck!”IwassoturnedonthatIdidn’trealizewhatwashappeninguntil
Iheardhismomfromthekitchen.

“I'mmakingcoffee,kiddos.Whereisthedogfood?”sheaskedthroughthedoor.

“OhmyGod,”IwhisperintohisneckandIcanfeelhisbodystarttoshake.“Thisisnotfunny,”Itell
himandhelaughsharder.

“You’reright.Thisshitisnotfunny.I'mharderthanI’veeverbeeninmylifeandIknowMa’snot
gonnaleaveuntilsheseeforherselfthatyou’reokay.”Ididn’twanttothinktoomuchaboutitbutthe
thoughtofmeturninghimonandmakinghimharderthanhe’severbeenmakesmesmileandIcan’t
helpbutgiggle.

“Areyoulaughingatme,baby?”hewhispersinmyear.Istartlaughinglouder.Thenhestartstickling
me.“Don’tlaughatme,baby.”IwaslaughingsohardthatIthoughtImightpeemypantssoIstarted
begginghimtostop.“Please,Iwon’tlaughatyouanymore.Ipromise,Ipromise,”Isaythroughmy
laughter.Hestopsandlooksdownatmeandbothofhishandscupmyface.

“Jesus,you’resofuckingbeautiful.”Thewayhesaidit,andthewayheislookingatme,makesme

believethathereallythinksI’mbeautiful.Icanfeelmyfacegosoftathiswords.Hebendshisheadand
kissesmeagain.Thistime,it’ssoftandsweet.Whenhismouthleavesmine,wearebothbreathing
heavily.

“You’retheonewho’s,beautiful,”Itellhimsoftly,runningmyfingersdownhisjaw.Hisfacegoessoft
andhiseyeswarm.Hismouthiscomingtowardmineagain.

“Alright,kids,coffee’sonandIstillcan’tfindthedogfood.”

“Ma,Jesus!We’llbeoutinaminutetofeedthedog,”Asheryells.

“AsherJamesMayson,youwatchyourtoneanddon’tusethelord’snameinvain,”hismomsays.

IhavetobitemylipbutwhenIcan’tholditandstartlaughing,Ihavetocovermymouthsohismom
doesn’thearme.

Withoutwarning,heknifesupandpullsmeupwithhim.Wearesuddenlystandingnexttothebed.He
bendstokissmynosethenturnsandwalkstowardsthebathroom.I’mstuckinplace,lookingathis
backmusclesashemoves.IwasstillstandinginthesameplacewhenIheardthetoiletflushandhe
walksout.ThenIwasinacompleteAsherfogbecausehewasstillshirtlessandthetattoosonhisarms
andchestwereonfulldisplay,alongwithhiseightpackabsandthesexyvleadingintohisloose
sweats.

“YougonnafeedBeastordoyouwanttostandthereandstareatmesomemore?”heasks.Ilookinto
hisfaceandseeaveryarrogantsmilewithhisdimpleout.

“Whatever,”ImutteredandhearhimchuckleasIwalkaroundthebedwithmyeyestomyfeet.

Onceinthebathroom,Ishutthedoorandlookatmyselfinthemirror.Mygreeneyeslookbrighter,my
lipsareswollenfromkissing,mycheeksarepinkandmyhairiswild.IrememberhowIendedup
lookinglikethisandsmilethenquicklyfrown.AsherishotbutI’mnotthekindofgirlthatsleepswith,
thenmakesoutwith,aguyafteronedate.Plus,weweren’tevenonanactualdate.Thenagain,Ididn’t
knowthatweweregoingtosleeptogether.

Shakingmyheadatmyowncrazythoughts,IdecidethatI’mjustgoingtobehonestandtellhimthatI
don’tdocasual.I'msurethatwillscarehimoff.Ibrushmyteethandpulloutabraandzipup
sweatshirtfrommybag.Afterputtingbothon,Iheadoutoftheroomtothekitchen.WhenIgetthere,
Asherissittingonabarstool,stillshirtless,withacupofcoffeeinfrontofhim.Oncehenoticesme,he
doesafullbodysweep.Igetasmileoutofhimbutit’sasmallsmile.Thistime,thereisnodimple.
Hummm.

“Hi,I'mSusan,Asher’smom.”Atthesoundofhervoice,Ijump.I’msocaughtupinAsher’smissing
dimplethatIforgethismomishere.Shecomesaroundtheislandandtakesmyhandinhers.

“I'mNovember,”Isay,smilingbackather.Sheisverypretty.Shehasshort,darkbrownhairthatiscut
intoacutemombob.HereyesarethesamecolorasAsher’s.She’swearingawhitebutton-upshirtwith
alargeturquoisenecklace,darkbluejeansandbrowncowboyboots.Shelooksverycountychicand
I’minstantlyinlovewithher.Thenshegrabsmeintoatighthug.Theinstantthatherarmswraparound
meinamotherlyhug,Iwanttocry.

“It’snicetofinallymeetyou,November,”shewhispersintomyhair.Ihughertighter,closingmyeyes
againstthetearsthatwanttoescape.Shestepsbackandhold’smeatarm’slength.“Well,youareas
beautifulaseveryonesaidyouwere.”Iwastakenoffguardbyhercomment.Imean,mydadcallsme
beautifulandAshertoldmethatthismorning,butthatwasintheheatofthemoment.I’mnotuglybut
I’vealwaysjustbeencute.Evenmyex-boyfriendshaveonlyeversaidthatIwascuteandmymom
neveronceinmylifehascalledmebeautiful.

“Thanks,”Imutter,feelingawkward.Icanfeelheatriseupmycheeks.Shesmilesbrighterandturns
towardsAsher.TheybothshareasmileandIfeellikeI’mintrudingonaprivatemoment.

“Doyoulikecoffee?”sheasks,walkingbackintothekitchen.

“LikeisnotthewordIwoulduseforhowIfeelaboutcoffee,”Isay.Shetiltsherheadtotheside,
givingmeaquestioninglook.

“Um…Ilovecoffee,”Isay,feelinglikeadork.“I'mprettysurethatmycoffeeconsumptionaloneis
helpingtogettheUnitedStatesoutofdebt.”I’mramblingandbothsheandAsherlaugh.Ihear
scratchingandlooktotheside.Beasthashisbigpawontheglassdoor,wantingin.Iwalktothedoor
andwhenIopenit,Beastcomesinwithsuchforcethatheknocksmeonmybuttandstartslickingme
likehehasn’tseenmeinweeks.I’mlaughingwhenIlookupandseeAsherandhismomwatchingme
withthesamesmileontheirfaces.

“Alright,letherup,”Ashersays,pushingBeastaway.Hestandsovermewithhislegsoneithersideof
mybody,lookingdown.“You’retoomuch,”hemumbles.Hishandstakeminetoliftmeofftheground.
Hiswordshitmehardforsomereason.MymomusedtotellmethatIwastoomuch,buteverytime
shesaidit,shewouldgetalookonherfacethatsaidshedidn’tknowwhysheevenbotheredwithme.I
didn’twanttolookatAsherandseethesamelookonhisfacesoletgoofhishands,avoidinghiseyes.
Iwalktotheislandwherehismomhasacupofcoffeewaitingforme.Ipourinsomemilkandaddtwo
scoopsofsugar.SheandAsherarebothwatchingme.IneedtogetawaysoIcanpullmyselftogether.

“Thankyouforthecoffee,”Isay,lookingatAsher’smomwithtearscloggingmythroat.“I’llberight
back.IjustneedtogetBeast’sfoodoutofmybag.”Walkingoutofthekitchenanddownthehall,Ifeel
likeanidiot.Mymomisn’tevenhereandsheismakingmefeellikecrap.I’matthedoorofAsher’s
roomwhenIfeelanarmaroundmywaistandI’mflyingthroughtheair.Iletoutagirlyscreamthen
landinthebedwithAsherontopofme.

“Wh…Wha…Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,stutteringandtryingtoshovehimoffme.

“Whathappenedbackthere?”heasks,holdingmedown.Ican’ttellhimthatmymomhasmademea
totalnutcasesoIjustpressmylipstogether,tryinghardertoshovehimoff.Ididn’twanthismomto
hearmescreamathimthatitwasnoneofhisbusiness.“Youwerelaughingoncesecondandthenyou
closedup.Whathappened?”

“Nothing.IjustneedtogetBeast’sfood.Nowgetoffme,”Isay,shovingathim.

“Tellmewhathappened.DidIhurtyou?”Hereallylooksworried.

“What?”

“WhenIpulledyouup,didIhurtyou?”heasksagain,makingmefeelevenworse.

“No,youdidn’thurtme.I'mfinenow.CanyoupleasemovesoIcanfeedmydog?”Iask,shovinghim
again.

“Sowhatwasitthen?Oneminuteyouwererollingaroundonthefloorwithyourdog,laughing.Then
youlookedlikesomeonesmackedyou.I'mnotlettingyouupuntilyoutellmewhathappened.”Ifeel
tearsandIdon’twanttocryinfrontofhim.Howcanyoutellsomeonethathadanamazingmomthat
yourstotallymessedupyourhead.

“Youwouldn’tunderstand,”Isaybecausehereallywouldn’t.Noonecouldunderstandhowitfeelsto
havethepersonwhoissupposedtoprotectandguideyouthroughlifemakesyoufeelcompletely
worthless.

“Tryme,”hewhispers.Hishandmovesfromwherehewasholdingmedowntoglidethroughthehair
atmytemple.IfeeltearsstarttofallandItrytolookawaybuthe’sholdingmyfaceinhishandsand
bendsovertokisseacheye.“Pleasetellme,baby,”hewhisper.Ican’thelpit.Hisvoiceissosoftand
hiswarmthisallaroundmeandIfeelsafeinthatmoment.MaybesaferthanI’veeverfelt.

“Mymom’snotlikeyours.She’snotsweet,shedoesn’thug,shedoesn’ttellpeoplethatthey’re
beautiful,shewouldnevermakeanyonecoffee.”TearsarefallingharderandIfeellikeIhavesandin
mythroat.“Iknowthatit’sstupid,butmywholelifeshehasmademefeelbadaboutmyself.Mymom
isabusive.Notphysically,butverballyandemotionally.Shehascutmedownmywholelife.Ittookme
alongtimetorealizethatwhatshehasdrilledintomyheadwasn’ttruebutthosewoundsarestillthere
andtheyrunsodeepthattherearetimesIcanstillfeeltheminsideme.Evenwhensomeonemakesa
passingcommentthatanyoneelsewouldlaughat,tome,itfeelslikeacut.”IrealizethatIhavemy
eyesclosedsoIopenthemandseethatAsherlookspissed.Hiswholebodyistightandhisteethare
clenched.Istartedtogetscaredandhemusthavereadmyface.HelooksintomyeyesandIfeelhis
wholebodyrelax.Hisjawunclenchesandhisthumbtravelsovermybottomlip.

“ItwaswhatIsaidaboutyoubeing‘toomuch.’”Hedidn’task,itwasjustastatement.Inodmyhead
becauseIcan’ttalk.“You’rebeautifulwhenyoulaugh.Nottoomanywomenwouldgettackledtothe
groundbyadog,eventheirown,andlaughaboutit,definitelynotinfrontofaman.That’swhyIsaid
youweretoomuch.Ilovethatyoudon’tcarewhatpeoplethinkandthatyouactlikeyourselfaround
me.I'msorrythatyourmomisabitch.Ibetthatshe’sjealousofyousoshecutyoudown,hopingyou
wouldalwaysfeelinfertoher.Hopefully,wecanworkonfillingallthemarkssheleft,”hesayssoftly.
Hisfingerswipeawaymytears.Ifeelitdowntomysoul.ThewordsthathesaidfeeltruebutthenI
rememberthatIcan’ttrustitorbelievehim.

“Ican’tdocasual,”Iblurtout.Iwantedtocovermyfaceorgohideinthebathroom.Instead,Iclosemy
eyes.HisbodyisshakingsoIopenmyeyesandhe’slaughing.“What’sfunny?”Iask,irritated.

“DoyouthinkIwouldtrythatwithyou,knowingthatyourdad,uncle,andcousinswouldcometokick
myassifIwantedsomethingcasual?”heasks,searchingmyface.

“Ugh…”Thatnevercrossedmymind.

“Thisisn’tcasual.Christ!”Hegrowled.“You’vemetmybrothers,mom,dad,andgrandma.Nowoman

I’veeverdatedhasmetmywholefamily.I’vewantedyoufromthemomentIsawyouintheclub,
hangingonyourdad.That’swhyIwaspissedwhenIcaughtyououtside.ThenwhenIsawyouwith
mygrandmother,IknewIwasfucked.She’dbeentalkingaboutyouforweeks,tellingmethatIneedto
meetthisgirlthat’ssobeautifulandsweet.ShetoldmethatshejustmovedintotownandIshouldask
heroutbeforesomeoneelsedid.Shewasright.IrealizedyesterdaythatIneededtostakemyclaim
beforesomestupidfuckgottoyou.That’swhyIdidwhatyoucalled‘kidnapping.’Iliketocallthat
‘securingmyfuture.’We’regoingtoseewherethisgoes,November,andwhilewe’redoingthat,it’snot
goingtobecasual.”

“Okay,”Isay,feelingexcitedandalittlescaredfromthetoneofhisvoiceandthelookinhiseyes.Ican
tellhe’sdeadserious.

“Okay.”Hekissesmesoftly.“Andjustsoyouknow,ifyourmotherevercomestovisit,Iwon’tbe
nice.”

“Idon’tthinkmymotherwillevercometotown.”I’mlookingoverhisshoulderatthesametimeas
I’mprayingthatI’mright.Itrulyhopemymothernevershowsherfaceinthistown.Mydadwouldflip
andmygrandmotherwouldprobablyshoother.

“Alright,nowweneedtogetupbeforeMacomesinhere.She’sworriedaboutyouafterwhathappened
lastnightandthelookonyourfacewhenyouwalkedoutofthekitchen.Let’sgohavebreakfastthengo
meetyourdadatyourhouse.”AsifAshersummoneditfromthinair,myphonestartedplaying
HighwaytoHell,mydad’sringtone.Asherstands,bringingmewithhim,thenwalkstohisjeansonthe
floorandpullsmycelloutofhispocketandhandsittome.Iturnaroundandputmyphonetomyear.

“Hi,Dad.”

“Hey,babygirl.Howareyoufeeling?”

“Um,I'mgood.I'mgettingreadytofeedBeastandthenI'mgoingtoeatbreakfastwithAsherandhis
mom.”

“Hismomisthere?”hesays,soundingsurprised.

“Yeah,shecamebythismorning.Mr.MaysontoldheraboutwhathappenedlastnightandIguessshe
wantedtomakesureIwasalright.”

“Hum,”Ihearmydadsaythenhe’squiet.

“Dad,youstillthere?”

“Yeah,I'mhere,babygirl.Sowhattimeareyougoingtobehome?”

IturnandseeAsherleaningagainstthedoor,watchingme.“Whattimedoyouthinkwe’llbeatmy
dad’s?”Iaskhim.

“Inaboutanhourandahalf,baby,”hesayssoftly.Ifeelasmallsmiletouchmymouthattheword
baby.

“Ashersaysaboutanhourandahalf.”

“Iheardhim,babygirl.Canyouputhimonthephoneforme?”

“Um,sure.Holdon.Dadwantstotalktoyou,”IsaytoAsher,holdingoutmyphone.Heslidesitfrom
myhandandkissesmeonmynosethentakesastepback,puttingthephonetohisear.

“Mike,”Ihearhimsay.“Yeah,we’lltalkwhenIgetthere.”

Thenhehandsthephonebacktome.“Dad,”Isay,hopingthatwiththetoneI'musing,heunderstands
thatI'mnotbeingstupid.

“Seeyouwhenyougethere,babygirl.Loveyou.”HehangsupbeforeIcantellhimIlovehimtoo.
Asheriswatchingme.

“Iseverythingokay?”Iask,lookingatthephone.

“It’sallgood,baby.Let’seat.”

“Okay,”Isay,feelingdreadcreepupmyspine.IknewDadwasgoingtosaysomethingtoAsherwhen
wegottothehouseandIwassuddenlynervousaboutgoinghome.Wewalkbackintothekitchenand
Mrs.Maysonisstandingatthestove.

“Doyoulikegrits?”sheaskswithasmile.Ihavenoideawhatgritsareandshemusthavereadthelook
onmyface.

“Okay,howaboutsomeeggsandtoast?”

“That’sfine.Thankyou,Mrs.Mayson.”

“CallmeSusan,beautiful.Mrs.Maysonmakesmefeelold.”

“Okay.DoyouhaveabowlIcanusetoputBeast’sfoodin?”IaskAsher.Hegetsupandwalksaround
theislandtopulloutahugebowl.Thekindthatyouwouldusetomakecookiesorbreadin.Hefillsthe
bowltothetop.Iwatchedthisinhorror,toostunnedtostophim.Ialwaysmeasuredhisfoodsohe
doesn’teattoomuch.Ireadonlinethatyouhavetobecarefulwithbigdogsandtheirdiets.

“Whatareyoudoing?”IaskasAshersetsthebowldownontheground.

“Feedingthedog,”hesayswithaneyebrowraised.

“Youcan’tfeedhimthatmuch.”

“Whynot?”heaskswithhiseyebrowsraised.

“BecauseIGoogleditandtheysaytomeasureit.”

“Babe,he’sadog.Heknowswhentostopeating.”He’slookingatmelikehethinkssomethingis
funny.

“Howdoyouknowthat?”Iask,tiltingmyhead.

“I’vehaddogsmywholelife.”

“Oh…”ThatwasallIcouldsay.BeastwasmyfirstdogandalltheinformationIhadcamefrom
Google.HechuckledandIkindofwantedtopunchhiminthearmforlaughingatme.

“Whatever,”Isay,shakingmyhead.Hisarmgoestothebackofmyheadandhekissesme.Icanhear
hismomlaughing.OhmyGod,howembarrassing.

“Youcan’tkissmeinfrontofyourmom,”Iwhisperwhenhepullsaway.

“Justdidanditwon’tbethelasttime.”IhearhismomlaughagainandIlookather,smilingdownat
thestove.Herheadcomesupandshelookshappyforsomereason.

“Ilovethis,honey.Asherandhiswomen,well,allmysonsandtheirwomen.Noneofthemevercame
around.Atfirst,Ithoughtmaybetheywereembarrassedofmeandtheirdad.Then,meandJameswere
outonenightandwesawCashwiththisgirl.Letmetellyou…afterthat,Iwasgladtheyneverbrought
anyonearoundifthatwaswhattheywouldbringhome.”

“IwasluckyenoughtomeetsomeofthosewomenfirsthandlastnightwhenAshertookmetothebar.”

“Hedidn’t?”HismomlookedoveratAsherwithnarroweyes.

“Hetotallydid.”IsmileandlookoveratAsherwholookslikehe’sreadytostrangleme.

“AsherJamesMayson,IthoughtItaughtyoubetterthanthat?”

“Ma,wemettheboy’stheretoplaypool.Idon’thaveanycontroloverwhogoestothebar.”

“Ican’tbelieveyoutookhertoplaypoolforafirstdate.”Shelooksatme.“IswearIraisedhimbetter
thanthat.”

“Itwasn’tadate,”Ireassureher.

“Jesus,Ma,”Ashergrumbles.Helooksatmeandhiseyesnarrow.“Itwasadate.”AllIcandoisshake
myheadandsmile.

“Youknow,evenwhenAsherwasmarried,wenevermetthegirl.Allweknewwasthattheymetwhen
hewasstationedinTexasandgotmarriedatacourthouse.Weweren’teveninvited.”Ifeelmyheart
dropintomystomachatthethoughtofhimmarried.Stupid,Iknow.Imean,Iwasengagedandthought
thatIwouldspendtherestofmylifewiththedouchebag.

“Ma,Jesus!Whatthefuck!”

“Watchyourmouth,AsherJames.”Sheglaredathimthenlookedatme.“Sorry,Ithoughtyouknew.”

“Um,no.That’sokay.Imean,wejustmetandweallhaveapast.Someofitbeautifulandsomeugly,”I
toldher.Thereweresomethingsinmypastthatwereuglytoo.LiketheguythatIwasgoingtomarry
beforehesleptwithmymother.Howmuchmoreuglycouldyouget?Hereyesweresoftandshegave
measadsmile.

“Sowhatareyoukidsplanningfortheday?”sheasked,thankfullychangingthesubject.

“GoinghomethenIneedtohavemydadtakemetogetmycar.”Iwasstandingatthecornerofthe
island.Asherpulledmyhand,draggingmeinbetweenhislegs.HehadahandonmyhipandIlooked
himintheeyeandgavehimadeathglare.Heranhisfingersdownthesideofmyfaceandsmiled.

“I'mgonnagiveMathekeytoyourcar.ShecanhaveNicoorCashbringyourcarhomeforyou.Then
youneedtopackupsomestuffandbringitover.I’llbeoutforawhile,IgottagouptoNashvilleto
checkonthejobsiteandmakesurethefireinspectordoesn’tshutusdown.I’llgiveyouakeysojust
comeinandmakeyourselfathome.”

IknowIhavean‘areyoucrazy’lookonmyfacebuthewastellingmetostaythenightagain.What?

“I'mnotstayinghere,”Itoldhim.

“Youarestayinghere.Yourdadworkstheclubatnightanddoesn’tgethometillafterfourinthe
morning.”

“I'mnot!I’lljuststaywithmygrandma,”Itellhim,eventhoughIdon’twanttostaywithher.Shehas
threecatsandeverytimeIwalkintoherhouse,myeyesgetsoswollenthatIcan’tblink.

“Ifyoutrytogotoyourgrandma’s,IwillgothereanddragyoubackheresoIsuggestthatyoujust
comehereandsaveusboththetrouble.”

“Areyoucrazy?”Iask,thinkingthatIknowtheanswerisyes.“I'mnotgoingtostayhere.”

“We’lltalkaboutitlater.”Ihaveafeelingthatwearenotgoingtotalkaboutitlaterandthatheisgoing
totrytobossmeintodoingwhathewantsmetodo.Iglareathimagainandhehasthenervetolaugh.
Thenhismomslidessomeeggsandtoastinfrontofusandthencomesaroundtheislandandsitsdown.
ImoveoutfrombetweenAsher’slegsandsitonthestoolbetweenhimandhismom.Iturntowardsher,
completelydismissinghimandheknowswhatIdoingbecausehe’sstillchuckling.Hegrabsmyneck
andkissesmeagain.

“Stopdoingthat,”Itellhim,glaring.

“Nope.”It’sallhesaidbeforeheletmegoandstartedeating.

“So,November,haveyoubeentoNashville?”hismomasks.

“Yeah,butonlyonce.Meandmygrandmawentuptheretogoshoppingforanewcomputer.”

“Oh,no,honey.Imeanrealshopping?”shesaysandIstartlaughing.

“Mygrandma’snotabigshopper.Weonlywenttoonestorebutbeforeweleft,shemademecallto
makesurethatthestuffIneededwasthereandthenhadmeputitonholdsoallwehadtodowaswalk
inandpickitup.”

“Thatsoundslikeher.”Shelaughs.“Meandyouneedtodoagirl’sday.We’llleaveearlyandhitthe
shopsthengogetamanipedi.”

“Really?”Ibreathe.Iwentallthetimewithmybestfriend,Tia,togetmanipedis.Iwouldalwaysget
jealousofthegirlswhoweretherewiththeirmoms.Ialwayswantedtodothat.

“Really,”shesays,touchingmyface.“HowaboutSunday?”sheasks.

“Yeah,thatwouldbegreat.”

“It’sadate.”Sheissmilingagain.“Ineverhadadaughter.Ikepttryingforagirlandendedupwith
fourboys.Afterthat,Igaveup.Sothisisgoingtobealotoffun.”Ihadamom,butmymomnever
askedmetogoshoppingwithherletalonegoshoppingandgetournailsdone.Suddenly,tearsstartto
stingmynoseandshepullsmeinforahug.“I’mreallylookingforwardtoit.”

“Yeah,”Isay,huggingherback.WefinishbreakfastthenIletBeastoutsideasAsherwalkshismomto
hercar.Whenhecomesbackin,hejustlooksatmeandsays,“Gottamakeacall.”

Igotohisbathroomtogetready.Iputonblackleggingsandanoversizedoff-the-shouldersweatshirtin
asoftpeachcolor.Itmatchesmyballetflatsperfectly.ThenIbraidmyhairtothesideanditfallsover
mybreast.Iputonsomeblush,mascara,andlipglossthenIfinishwithpeachbodyspray.

Ishoveeverythingbackintomybagandcarryitwithmetothelivingroom.WhenIgotthere,Asher
isn’tthere,orinthekitchen,soIlookouttheslidingglassdoor.Heisstandingintheyardinapairof
wornoutbluejeans,hislightbrownworkboots,andadarkgraythermalthatfitslikeasecondskin.
Justlookingathimmakesmymouthgodry.IwatchasBeastcomesrunningathimwithastickinhis
mouth.AsherwrestlesitawayfromhimandthrowsitasBeasttakesoff.Helookssobeautiful,playing
withmydog.ThenIrememberwhathesaidearlier.IfI’mnotmistaken,heiskindofmyboyfriend.
Withthatthought,Iwanttodosomekindofacrobatics…ormaybeacheer.Hekissedmeand
introducedmetohismom.Well,technicallyshejustshowedup,butthathadtocount,right?

Plus,hesaidthiswasn’tcasualeventhoughdeepdown,Idon’tcompletelytrustwhathewassaying.
But,I’vedecidedthatI’mgoingtogivehimthebenefitofthedoubtuntilheprovesthathedoesn’t
deserveit.Hemustfeelmewatchinghimbecauseheturnsaroundandsmilesatmeandmybreathis
stuckinmylungs.HecallsBeastandtheybothcomeupthestairsatthesametimeandwalkintothe
house.Withoutstoppingtoclosetheslidingdoor,hecomesrighttome,picksmeupandkissesme.
Whenhebreaksaway,I’minanotherAsherkissfog.

“Youready?”heasksandallIcandoisnod.Heslidesmedownhisbodyandkissesmynose.Mylegs
arejellysoIholdontohisT-shirttokeepmefromfallingonmyface.Hesmileslikeheknowswhat
he’sdoingtome.Iglareathimbecausenogirlwantsaguytothinkthathe’sgotitgoingonevenifhe
does.“Okay,babe,getyourasstothejeep.”Hestepsawayandclosesthedoor.

IwatchhimmovethenrealizethatI’mjuststandingtherewatchinghim.I’mfinallyabletobreakoutof
thefogandgrabmypurseandovernightbag.IwalktothedoorwithBeastatmyside,sayingovermy
shoulder,“Don’ttellmetogetmyassinyourcar.It’srude!”Then,Iopenthedoorandwalkouttohis
jeep.Hislaughterfollowsme.

Chapter4

Wepulluptomydad’shouseandheisstandingoutside.IstarttoopenmydoorwhenAsherstopsme.

“WaittillIcomearoundandopenyourdoor.”Thisconfusesme.

“Why.”

“Doyoualwayshavetoaskquestions?”IthinkaboutitforaminutethenrealizethatIdoalwayshave
toaskquestions.SometimesIaskquestionsthatmakenosenseorquestionsthatIknowtheanswersto,
butIstillliketoaskthem.Asheriswatchingmeandthenhestartslaughing.

“What’sfunny?”

“Nothing,baby.JustwaittillIcomearoundtoopenyourdoor.Willyoudothatforme?”Becausehe
asksnicelyandisn’tbeingbossy,plushecalledmebabyandI’mreallystartingtolovethat,Inodmy
headinagreement.

“Good,”hesaysthenkissesmesoftlyandrunshisnoseacrossmine.I’minsuchafogthatIdon’teven
realizethathe’sgottenoutofthecaruntilmydooropensandhe’sholdingahandouttome.Hisjeepis
oneofthecooloneswithgianttiresthatweremadefortakingintothehillstogomudding.Iwondered
ifheeverdoesthat.

“Doyougomudding?”Iask,lookingupathimand,notforthefirsttime,realizinghowtallheis
comparedtome.Icomeuptothemiddleofhischestandmyheadhastogowaybacktomakeeye
contact.ThegoodthingisIneverhavetoworrythatmyheelswillbetoohigh.Myexneverlikedme
wearingheelsbecausehedidn’twantmetobetallerthanhim.

“Mudding?”heasks,bringingmebacktotopic.

“Yeah,youknow,whereyoudriveatruckthroughmudand…Idon’tknowwhatelseyoudowhenyou
gomudding.”HestartslaughingagainandIhavenoideawhatissofunnysoIjustwaittillhegets
controlofhimself.

“Ihaven’tgonemuddingsinceIwasseventeen.”

“Oh,”Isaywithdisappointment.Ikindawantedtogo.NotthatIknewmuchaboutit,butIsawavideo
onceanditlookedlikefun.

“Ifyouwant,wecantakemyfourwheeleroutanddrivethroughsomepuddlesduringthenextstorm.”

“Really?”Iask.Thatsoundslikefun.

“Thisiswhyyou’retoomuch.Nottoomanywomengofromtalkingaboutgettingmanicuresand
shoppingtowantingtogetmuddy.”

“I'mversatile.”

“Yeah.”Hekissesmethenandjustwhenitstartsgettinggood,mydadyellsatme.

“November!”Crap,Iforgotwhereweare.IputmyfaceinAsher’schestandgiggle.Mydadismad.
I’venevermademydadmadbefore.

“November,”mydadcallsagain.

“Oh,lord,”Isay,lookingupatAsher.Heissmilingdownatme.IturnmyheadandmydadandUncle
Joearestandingontheporch.Bothofthemhavetheirarmscrossedandfeetplantedapart.Idon’tthink
thisisgoingtogowell.Ashergrabsmyhandandstartswalking.Iamdraggingmyfeetbehindhim,
tryingtoavoidtheconfrontationthatiscoming.

“Hi,Daddy.Hi,UncleJoe,”Isayinmysweetestvoice.Mydadknowsmygamebecausehe’sglaringat
meandUncleJoeisshakinghisheadbuthislipsaretwitching.ThenIhearAsherchuckleandboth
UncleJoeandmydadlookathimlikehehasadeathsentence.

“Oh,geez,”Isay,leaningmyheadbackinexasperation.“I'mgoingtobetwenty-fivesoonsoI'mway
pastthestageofmydadtryingtorunmenoff.”Ipinmydadwithaglareofmyown.

“You’renevertoooldformetolookoutforyouandtomakesurethateveryguyknowsthatifhetries
toscrewyouover,Iwillshoothim.”

“Okay,”Isay,lookingupatAsher.“Ifyouscrewmeover,mydadwillshootyou.”Asherlooksdownat
meandIcanseethathewantstosmilebuthe’sfightingit.

“Goinsideandpack,baby,”hesays,runninghisknucklesdownmyjaw.Iglareathim.

“I'mnotstayingwithyou.”Geez,whatissohardtounderstand?Wehadonesemidate.It’swaytoo
soontostartnightlysleepovers.

“Youare,”hesaysinatonethatI'msurewouldworkonsomeonebutthatsomeoneisnotme.

“I'mnot,”Isay,myvoicegettinglouder.IlookatmydadforsupportbutIseethatheisnowfightinga
smile.Then,IlooktoUncleJoeandhe’sstraightoutsmiling.Whattheheck?

“Babygirl,”mydadcallsandIlookathim.“Ithinkitwouldbebestifyoustayedsomewhereatnight
untilIcangetasecuritysystemputin.ButIagreethatmaybeAsherisn’tthebestbet.Whatifyouwent
tostaywithyouruncletonight?”NowIknowI'mgoingtoendupatAsher’s.Myuncleisahardcore
bikerandalwayshassomebikerbabestayingathisplace.Meandmygrandmastoppedbyhishouse
onedayandthereweretworandomwomen,bothbasicallynaked,wanderingaroundhishouse.

Besides,hedoesn’treallyhaveroomforme.Hissonsarebotholdersoheturnedoneoftheirrooms
intoaworkoutspaceandtheotherroomintoanoffice.HehasacouchbutIwouldrathernotsleepon
itknowingthatsomewomancouldcomeoutofhisroomatanypoint.

UncleJoewasmarriedforeighteenyears.Fromthetimehefoundoutthatthewomanwaspregnanttill
hisboysgraduatedhighschool.InevermettheladybutfromthestoriesIwastold,shewasamajor

bitchtohimandhissons.

Atthetime,hefelthewasdoingtherightthingbykeepinghisfamilytogether.Butassoonasmy
cousinswenttocollege,henolongerfelttheneedtopretendwhohewas.Iguessunderthesuitsthathe
usedtoweartoworkhewassecretlyabadassbiker.

“I'mstayingwithAsher.Nooffense,UncleJoe,”Isay,lookingathimwithasmileandhopinghewon’t
bemad.HesmilesbackatmeandIknowhedoesn’tmind.

“Whataboutyourgrandmother?”mydadasks.

“IwouldstaywithherbutI'mafraidImightdiefromallergies.”Mydadlookslikeheistryingtocome
upwithsomewhere—anywhere—formetostay.Themoon,aconvent,prison,perhaps?Idon’tthinkhe
caresaslongasAsherisnotthere.

“Baby,”Ashersaysgettingmyattention.“IneedtotalkwithyourdadanduncleforaminutebutI’llbe
intosaygoodbyebeforeIleave,”hesays,lookingdownatmeandthenhiseyesgotomydad.

“Alrighty,then,”Isay.Ilookatmydadandgivehimthelookthatsaysbenice.ThenIstarttowalk
awaybutI'mpulledbackbymysweatshirt.IlookovermyshoulderatAsherandseehe’sholdingonto
me.

“Youforgetsomething?”heasks.

“Ugh…no,”Isay,turningaroundtolookathimandwonderingwhatIcouldhaveforgotten.

“Kissme,”hesays,withacompletelyseriousexpression.Ican’tbelievehejustsaidthatinfrontofmy
dad.

“I'mnotkissingyouinfrontofmydadanduncle,”Ihissathimandhehasthenervetosmile.

“YoukissmeorI’llkissyou.Makeupyourmind,andmakeitquick.Ineedtotalktoyourdadthen
I’vegotshittodo.”Icrossmyarmsovermychestandglareathim.Hecannotbeserious.

“Don’ttellmetokissyouinfro—”I'mcutoffwhenAsherpullsmetohimandkissesme.It’sclosed
mouthedandendsbeforeitreallystarts,butI'mspeechlessthathejustdidthatinfrontofmydad.Itry
topullmyselftogetherbutI'mcompletelystunnedbywhatjusthappened.Then,Ihearmydadlaughing
andIlookathimjusttomakesureI'mnotimaginingthings.

“Shouldn’tyoubegettingyourgunorsomething?”Isay,lookingatmydadwhilethrowingmyhand
outinAsher’sdirection.

“Nope,”hesays,smiling.“NowIseewhatJameswastalkingaboutwhenhecalledmethismorning.”
Mydadrecrosseshisarmsoverhischestandleansbackontheheelsofhisboots.

“Great!Justfrickin’great,”Imuttertotheground,rubbingmytemples.IlookupandglareatAsher.
“Seriously,stopkissingmeinfrontofourparents,”Isay,pointingathim.ThenIturnaroundandstomp
allthewayupthestairsandintothehouse.IslamthedoorforgoodmeasurebeforeIrealizethatIleft
Beastoutside.IopenthedoorandcallBeastbutallthreeheadsturntowatchme.Iglareatallofthem

thenslamthedooragain.

Thistime,Icanhearlaughterfromtheotherside.“Whatever,”ImumbleasImakemywaydowntomy
apartment.

********************

SittingonAsher’sbackdeckwithmykindleinmyhand,myfeetupontherailing,myheadtiltedback
andenjoyingthesunonmyface,ispracticallyparadise.IcanhearBeastrunningbackandforthinthe
yard,chasingsomething.Iletmymindwandertothoughtsaboutmyday.

Aftermytantrum,Iwentdowntomyapartmentandlookedaround.Itwasobviousthatmyuncleand
Dadhadbeenbusy.Theredwasgoneandtherewerethreefullgarbagebags.Iwalkedaroundtoseeif
anythingwasmissingbutcouldn’tfindanythingoutofplace.Thechairandcouchwerenowgarbage
becausethecushionshadbeenslashed.Iwalkedintomybedroomtomakesurethateverythingwasin
itsplaceanditlookedperfect.Therewereevenyellowrosessittingonmysidetable.Iwalkedtothem
andnoticedthecard.

Youdeservebeauty.Whyareyouforcingmetobecomeugly.

“Whattheheck?”Iwhispered.Thesewerefromthepersonwhobrokeintomyapartment.Myhand
startedtoshakeandIwantedtocry.Iknewthatmyfamilyhadworkedhardtomakethatspacespecial
formeandnowIdidn’tevenwanttobedownthere.Isatontherippedcouchandhadmyfaceinmy
hands,thinkingabouthowIwasgoingtofixthis.IsmelledAsherandhepulledmyhandsawayfrom
myface.Hewascrouchedinfrontofmeandlookedworried.

“Iseverythingokay?”Iasked,thinkingthatheandmydadgotintoit.

“IthinkIshouldaskyouthat,”hesaidpullingmeupthensittingonthecouchwithmeinhislap.

“Whoeverdidthisleftmeflowers.”IfeltAsherfreezeunderneathmeasIhandedhimthecard.

“Whatthefuck,”hewhispered.

“HowamIgoingtofixthis?”Iasked.“Everyoneworkedsohardformetofeelwelcomeandnowthis
ishappeningandIdon’tevenknowwhy.”HestartedrubbingmybacksoIcuddledintohischestwith
myheadunderhischin.

“I'mgoingtogivethistomydad.Therestisjuststuff,baby.Yourfamilyisjustgladthatnothing
happenedtoyou.”HeranhisfingersalongmyjawthenkissedthetopofmyheadandIcan’thelpbut
tosigh.Iwantedtocloseeverythingoffandpretendthatthiswasn’thappening.

“I'mgladthatIwasn’therewhenithappened,”Isaid,cuddlingcloser.

“November,”mydadcalledfromthetopofthestairs.“NickStevensonisonthephone.Hesayshe
needstotalktoyou.”IfeltAsher’sbodygotightundermeagain.Iliftedmyheadtolookathimandhe
waspissed.

“Nickwho?”Icalledupthestairs.

“NickStevenson.Hisdadisalawyerintown.”

“Whatthefuck?”Asherclippedthenhestood,takingmewithhim.Hedraggedmeuptothekitchen
wheremydadleftthephoneonthecounter.IwatchedinhorrorasAsheransweredthephone.Well,if
youunderstandcavemantalk,heansweredthephone.

“IknowthatImademyselfclearyesterdaysowhythefuckareyoucalling?”Ashergrowledintothe
phone.

“OhmyGod,Asher.Givemethephone,”IyelledasIreachedaroundhim,tryingtograbthephone
fromhishandbuthe’ssodamntallthatitwasuseless.

“Holdon,”Ashersaid,handingmethephone.Iwantedtokickhimbuthewrappedhisarmsaroundme,
holdingmeclose.Iwascountinginmyhead,tryingtokeepcalmanditwasn’tworking.

“Nick,I'msorry,”Isaid,apologizingforAsher’srudenesswhileshovingAsherbuthedidn’teven
move.

”Um,it’sokay,November.I'mcallingtosetupatimeforyoutomeetwithmyfather.Herepresented
JohnandEllenArmstedbeforetheypassedawayandheneedstogooverafewthingswithyou
regardingtheirwill.CanyoucomeintotheofficeonMondayataroundeleven?”

“I'msorry,Nick,butIhavenoideawhoJohnorEllenare.”Iwascompletelyconfused.Armstedismy
lastnamebutJohnorEllendidn’tringanybells.

“JohnandEllenArmstedwereyourgrandparentsonyourmother’sside.”

“Oh…WhydoIneedtoseeyourdad?”

“Itseemsthatyourgrandparentshadyouintheirwillbeforetheypassedawayandmyfatherneedsto
meetwithyoutotalkaboutit.Idon’tknowwhatitsaysbutifyoucanmeethereonMonday,hewill
discussitwithyou.”

“Um…sure.Mondayateleven,”Isaidintothephone.

“Okay,November,seeyouthen.”

“Yeah,seeyouthen,”Isaid,confusedabouttheconversation.IheardthephonecutoffandfeltAsher’s
armsgivemeasqueeze.

“Iseverythingokay?”IrememberedwhathedidandI'mpissedathim.Iturnedinhisarmsandstood
onmytiptoessoIcouldgetinhisface.

“Ican’tbelievethatyouansweredthephoneandworse,youwererudetoNick.Hedidn’tdoanything
toyou.”

“Babe,hewantsinyourpants.”IcanfeelmyheadgettingreadytoexplodeandIknowthatmyeyesare
buggingout.

“Hedoesn’t.”

“Hedoesandthatshit’snothappening.”

“OhmyGod,you’reinsane.Hejustintroducedhimselftomeatabar.HenoticedthatIwasnew.That’s
allitwas.ThenhecallstotellmethatIneedtomeetwithhisdadbecausemygrandparentsputmein
theirwillandyougoallcavemanonhimfornoreason.”Ipushathischest.

“AmIaman?”heasked.

“Yes,”Isnapped,notknowingwhytheheckheaskedthatstupidquestion.

“ThenIthinkIknowwhatthefuckI'mtalkingabout.”
“Whatever,”Isaidwithclenchedteeth.“Idon’thavetimetoarguewithyou.Ihavestufftodoandyou
needtogotowork.”

“Don’tbepissed,babe.It’sdone.NowheknowsthatIwasseriousyesterday.Hopefullyhespreadsthat
shitwidesoIdon’thavetodealwithanyoneelse.”

“Youdorealizethatit’s2013,right?”Iglaredathim.

“Areyoumine?”HenuzzledmyneckthenIfelthistongueandIforgotthatIwasmadandthathewas
rudeandthat,onceagain,heembarrassedme.

“Yes,”Isay,eventhoughIwasquestioningmysanity.Ijustcan’thelpitwhenhismouthisonmy
neck.Then,withoutwarning,hepickedmeup.Isquealedandmylegsautomaticallywentaroundhis
waistsothatIwouldn’tflyback.Myhandgoestohisshoulder,theothertohishair,feelingitprickle
undermypalm.Oneofhishandsisatmyass,theothergoesupmybackandintomyhair.Thenhe
tuggedmyhairtotiltmyheadwhilehiswenttheotherway.Thekisswashotandwild.Hestarted
walkingandIfeltthewallatmybackandhisheathitmycenter.AsImoanedintohismouth,hewas
grindingintome.Hepulledhismouthawayandsethisforeheadtomine.

“Ifuckingloveyourmouth,baby,”hesaidagainstmylips.

“Ikindoflikeyourstoo,”Itoldhimandlaughedwhenhegrowledatme,grindinghishipsintomine,
makingmewhimperevenmore.

“Well,goodthingI’vegotallnighttomakeyouloveit.”Oh,crap.Witheverythingthathashappened,I
forgotthatI'mgoingtobesleepingathishouseagain.

“Weneedtotalkabouttonight,”Iblurtedoutthenbitemybottomlip.Imean,I'mokaywithmakingout
butsex…Iwasn’tsureaboutthat.

“Listen,”hesaid,grabbingmyfacewhileholdingmeupbyhiswaistandthewall.“Wedon’thaveto
doanything.Wecangoslow.”

“Okay,”Iwhispered,feelingthetensionleavemybody.

“Okay,”hewhisperedbackthenkissedmesoftlyonmylipsthenmynose.Myhandswenttohis
shouldersandhistomyassthenheslidmedownandsmiled.“I’llseeyouatmyhouse.Thekeywillbe
onyourcarkeyringandI’llbringpizzabackfordinner.”HekissedmequicklyandwasgonebeforeI

couldgetoutofmyAsherfogandrememberthathe’sacavemanandIshouldreallyquestionwhythe
heckthatturnsmeon.

Therestofmydaywasquiet.Ipackedabagwithenoughstuffforacoupledays.Meandmydadhung
aroundandItoldhimaboutthelawyer.HeofferedtotakemeifIwantedhimto.Iaskedhimhowhe
feltaboutmeandAsherandhesaidthathetrustedhim.Itmademefeelbetterthatmydadapproved.I
wasjustgoingtohavetotryandtakethingsslowly.

Ispenttherestoftimebegginghimtoteachmehowtorideamotorcycle.Onceheagreed,hehadtogo
tobedsoIdecidedtogointotown.Iwantedtolookaroundatsomeoftheantiqueshopstoseeifthey
hadanythinginteresting.

Ifoundasmallsidetablethathadalargeroundtopwiththreelegsthatcurvedupandin.Icouldn’twait
togettheoldwhitepaintoffitandtoseewhatkindofwoodwasunderneath.

AfterIstowedthetableinmycar,Iwanderedintoasmallboutiqueonthesquareinthecenteroftown.
Thewindowdisplayiswhatcaughtmyeye.Theyhadacoolmetalmannequinthatwouldlookperfect
inmydreamcloset.WhenIwalkedinthestore,therewasanolderladybehindthecountertalkingon
thephone.

Assoonasshesawmecomein,shegavemeasmileandawavethenwentbacktoherconversation.
Lookingaround,theyhadlargeandsmallmannequinstands.Theyalsohadallkindsofcoolhandbags,
scarves,socks,jewelryandotheroddsandendsthatwomendon’treallyneedbutwantanyways.Iwas
inthebackofthestorelookingatamannequinstand.Itwasametalframepaintedpinkwithnoheador
arms.Itwasjustthetorsointheshapeofadresswithalongpoleoutthebottomandthreelegslikea
Christmastreestand.Ilovedit.Icouldpictureitinmydreamclosetorevenjustthecornerofmy
bedroom.

“CanIhelpyou,”Iheardasmallvoiceask.Iturnedmyheadandawomanmyagewasstandingnextto
me.Shewasaboutmyheight.Herlong,blondehairwaspulledawayfromherfacewithaclipandshe
wasverypretty,evenwithfacelessmakeup.Shehadonapairofdarkjeansandagreenwrapshirtand
cowboyboots.

“Yeah,howmuchforthisstand?”Iaskedher,smiling.

“Thisisonehundredandtwentyfive,”shemumbledlikeshedidn’twanttoactuallytalktomebutwas
forcedtobecauseofherjob.

“Really?Wow,Iloveit.Don’tyouloveit?”Herheadflewupandshelookedmeintheeyeforthefirst
time.Theywerelightgreenwitharingofdarkgreen.ShehadthemostbeautifuleyesIhadeverseen
besidesAsher’s.

“Yeah,it’snice,”shesaidsoquietlythatIalmostdidn’thearher.

“I'mNovember,”Isaid,stickingoutmyhand.Shehesitantlyshookit.

Shelookedalittlesurprisedbeforesheanswered.“I'mLiz,areyouMike’sdaughter?”

“Yeah.Youknowmydad?”

“Heandmydadwerebestfriends,”shesaysquietly.IseethelookofsadnesscrossherfaceandI
realizethatshesaidwereandnotare.

“Well,it’snicetomeetyou,Liz.Thisisanamazingstore.Icanseewheremypaycheckswillbe
going,”Isay,tryingtochangethesubjectandhatingthatshelookssolost.Shelaughedandthesadness
wasreplacedwithprideandherwholefacebecamestunning.

“Meandmymomownit.Wejustopenedafewweeksago.Igrewuparoundheresoifyoueverwant
metoshowyouaround,letmeknow,”shesaid.Thenshefrozewhenweheardlaughingfrombehind
us.Twowomenwerethere.OneIrecognizedfromthebar.

“Oh,howcute.Lizistryingtomakeafriend,”thetallerofthetwogirlssaid.

“Somepeoplenevergrowup,”Imumbledundermybreath,shakingmyhead.Havingdealtwithmy
mother,whowasjustlikethesewomen,IdidwhatIalwaysdid.Iignoredthem.“Idon’tknowmany
peopleintown.Weshouldgettogetherandhavecoffeesometime.”

Shelookedalittlesurprisedbutrecoveredquickly.Forsomereason,Iwasproudofher.Igotthefeeling
thatsheusuallyletwhatpeoplesaygettoher.

“Um…sure.Thatwouldbenice.I’llgiveyoumyphonenumberwhenyoufinishshopping,”shesaid,
turningandgoingthroughacurtainintothebackroomofthestore.Ilookedaroundforafewmore
minutesandthegirlswerestillinthestore.IheardthemwhisperingandcouldmakeoutAsher’snamea
fewtimesbutIcouldn’tbebotheredwiththemsoIwenttocheckout.Ifoundaveryprettyscarfthat
hadaboldpaisleyprintinlotsofbrightcolorsandIalsofoundapairofwidesilverhoopswithacool
designetchedintothem.Isetmystuffonthecounterandthewomanlookeduptome.

“Didyoufindeverythingokay,dear?”

“YesandIwouldalsoliketobuythatstandintheback.Thepinkone,”Itoldherwithasmile,thinking
aboutmynewtreasures.

“Sure.I’llhaveLizpullitoutforyou.”

“Thanks.”ShegavememytotalandwhenLizcamebackout,weexchangednumbers.ItoldherthatI
wouldcall.Iwenttomydad’sanddroppedoffmynewstuffandpackedupBeast.Iquicklyleftmydad
anotetellinghimtocallmelateranddrovetoAsher’s.

NowIamenjoyingthesunthatisslowlysetting.ThereisaslightchillintheairbutIputonmyknithat
andgiantwoolsweatersoIfeelniceandtoasty.Myhairslidesacrossmyneckandthenlipskissthe
sensitiveskinundermyear.IopenmyeyestoseeAshersmilingdownatme.

“Hey,baby.I’vebeenlookingforyou,”hewhispers.

“Hi.”Istretch,sittingupandlookingaround.“IguessIfellasleep,”Isayquietly,realizingthatI'mstill
sittingoutsidebutit’sduskandreallycold.

“Yeah,IgotworriedwhenIcouldn’tfindyouinthehouse.Whereisyourphone?YourdadandItried
callingyou?”

“Oh,crap.Ithinkit’sstillinmybag.Iwasn’tplanningonbeingoutheresolong.”

“Let’sgetyouinside,”hesays,pickingmeup.MyarmsgoaroundhisshouldersandIlaymyheadon
hischest.Hisbodyissowarmandhesmellssogood.

“Icanwalk,”Imumbleintohischest.

“Ilikecarryingyou.You’resotiny,”hesaysandIfeelhimkissmyforehead.

“Ha!Onlytoyoucauseyou’reagiant.”HelaughsandIcanfeelitrumbleagainstmycheekashe
carriesmeintothelivingroomandsitswithmeinhislap.Icurlintohimforafewminutesjust
absorbinghiswarmthandthefeelofhissteadybreathing.Itshouldfeelawkwardtobewithhimlike
thisbutitfeelscompletelynormal.Howcreepyisthat?

“Whatdoyouwantonthepizza,baby?”heasks,rubbingmyback.IfeellikeIcouldfallbackasleep.

“Um,mushrooms,peppers,olives,andpepperoni,unlessyouwantsomethingelse.”

“Nope,soundsgood.”Ifeelhimlifthishipsandhishandleavesmyback.Icanhearthebeepingofhis
phonebeforeheplacesourorder.Afterdisconnectthecall,Ihearthephonehitthecoffeetable.

“Didyouhaveagoodday?”Iaskintohischest.

“No.ThefireinspectorwantedtoclosethesiteandCashhadtogotothehospitaltogetstitches.”The
minutethatthewordsareoutofhismouth,I'mup,tryingtopulloutofhisarms.

“OhmyGod!Whatareyoudoing?Youshouldbewithhim.Isheokay?Who’stakingcareofhim?”I
yell,tryinghardtopullaway.

“He’sfine.Mom’swithhim.Hejustcuthishand.Calmdown.”

“Howmanystitchesdidheneed?”

“Justthree.Whyareyousoworried?”heasks,narrowinghiseyes.Suddenly,helooksangry.

“Hewashurtandhe’syourbrother,”Isayslowly.“Whatdoyoumean,whyamIworried?”Iask,
confused.Hedoesn’tsayanything.HejuststaresatmethenIrealizewhyhe’saskingthatquestionand
Iwanttokickhim.“Seriously?Yourownbrother?”Iaskhim,shakingmyheadindisbeliefandagain
tryingtopullaway.

“Letmeup,”Isaybuthisarmsonlytighten.“I'mserious,Asher.Letmeuprightnow.Icannotbelieve
thatyouwouldeventhinkthatIwouldbesittingherewithyouifIwasevenalittleinterestedinyour
brother.Imean,obviouslywedon’tknoweachotherverywellbutifyouwanttogettoknowme,
you’regoingtohavetotrustme.Otherwise,don’twastemytime.”Ipullawayandamfinallyableto
stand.Ileavehimsittingonthecouchandgointothebathroomandhopuponthecounter,wondering
whatthehelliswrongwithhim.FirstNick,nowhisbrother.Iwanttoscreamatthetopofmylungs.
ThedooropensandIlookup.He’sjuststandingthere,lookingatme,notsayinganything.I'mstarting
tofeellikeIshouldn’tbehereanymoreandshouldriskrespiratoryfailureandstaywithmygrandma.

“IthinkIshouldgostaywithmygrandma,”Isayquietly.

Hestilldoesn’tsayanythingandIstarttosquirmonthecounterunderhisstare.ThenIseehimtakea
deepbreathandhelungesatmeandhismouthcrashesintomine.Hishandsgotomyass,pullingmeto
theedgeofthecounter.

I'mcaughtoffguardbutmybodytakesoverandmyhandgoestohisback.Myotherhanddigsintohis
hairashebitesmybottomlip,thenlightlybitesmychinandthencomesbacktomymouthwherehe
devoursme.Histongueisinmymouthandplayingwithmine,nippingandbitingmylips.Ifeeloneof
hishandsleavemyassandtravelaroundandupthefrontofmyshirt,cuppingmybreastthroughmy
bra.Iwhimperintohismouthandtrytopresscloser,knowingmypantiesaresoaked.Idon’tthinkI’ve
everbeensoturnedoninmylife.Thenpullsaway,kissingmesofterandsettinghisforeheadtomine.

“You’renotgoinganywhere,”herumblesandIfeelthevibrationsofhiswordsstraightbetweenmy
legs.

“Idon’twanttogoanywhere,”Itellhimtruthfully,knowingthatIshouldleavebecausethissituation
hasheartachewrittenalloverit.

Hepresseshisforeheadtomineandtakesabreath.“AlmosteverywomanthatI’vefuckedhasalso
fuckedoneormoreofmybrothers,”hesaysquietly.Icanfeelbilecrawlingupmythroatandahorrible
painhitmychestathiswords.HewasactuallyopeninguptomebutIwasn’tsureIwantedtoknow
this.

Idon’tknowwhy,butIfeellikeIneedtosharesomethingaboutmetomakeuseven,tomakehim
understandthatheisn’ttheonlyonewithbaggage.

“Iwasengagedandfoundoutthatmymotherhadbeensleepingwithmyfiancéduringthewholetime
weweretogether,”IblurtandimmediatelywonderwhythehellIsaiditlikethat.WhyIcouldn’tjust
keepmydamnmouthshut.“I'msorry.Ishouldn’thavetoldyoulikethat.It’sjust…Iknowhowyou
feel.Well,notthatIhavesistersthathavehadsexwiththesameguysasmebutifIdid,Iwouldtell
themthatit’sreallygross.Whodoesthat?”

IfeelhisbodystartshakingandIwonderwhatthehellcouldbefunnyaboutthisconversation.“Are
youlaughing?”Ifeelhisbodystillandhetakeshisfaceoutofmyneckandholdsitinhishands,
runninghisnosealongmine.

“I'mnotlettingyougo,November.”HiseyebrowspulltogetherandIcanseesomethingworking
behindhiseyes.ItlookslikehopebutIdon’tknowhimwellenoughtobesure.

“Justtryandtrustme,okay,”Isay,watchingmyfingertravelacrosshisbottomlip.Heplaceshis
foreheadagainstmineagainanddoesn’tsayanythingforalongtime.Whatishethinking?

“I'mgonnatry,”hesayssoftly,takingadeepbreath.

“I'mgoingtotrytoo,youknow?”Isay,tryingtolightenthemood.“IfeellikeIhavealotof
competitiontodealwith.Allthosewomenconstantlythrowingthemselvesatyou.”Heopenshiseyes
andlooksatmeseriously.

“Ipromisethatit’syou,onlyyou,foraslongasthislasts.Now,weneedtopickupthepizzasogetyour
assinthejeep.”Andjustlikethat,theconversation’soverandhe’spullingmeoffthesinkandontomy

feet.Hekissesmynoseandwalksoutofthebathroom,leavingmetherewithhiswordsreplayinginmy
head.

It’syou,onlyyou.

Ismiletomyselfinthemirrorandwalkouttothelivingroom.Igrabmybagthengetmyassinhis
jeep.

************************

IwakeupwrappedaroundAsher.Mythighisoverhis,myarmisacrosshiswaistandhisarmis
holdingmeclose.Lastnight,afterwegotthepizza,wecamebacktohishouse,putinamovieand
loungedonthecouchwhileweate.Thenhemovedthepizzabox,gotusbothanotherbeer,and
stretchedoutwithhisbarefeetuponthecoffeetableanddraggingmebythehanduntilIwaspressed
intohissidewithmylegwrappedoverhisthighandmyarmaroundhiswaist,holdingmybeerandmy
headonhischest.Afterthemovie,wegotupandAsherpushedmetowardthebedroom,tellingmeto
getreadyforbedandthathewouldletBeastout.

Ididmynormalnightlyroutine,brushedmyteeth,moisturized,tookmyhairdownandbrusheditout.I
dugoutmypajamas.Thistimeitwasanightgownwithslimstrapsandabuilt-inbra.Thecotton
materialgatheredunderthebreastandwenttoabovetheknee.Itwascuteandnottoosexyforsleeping
withanewboyfriend.Well,IthoughtsoanywaysuntilAsherwalkedin.“Jesus,”hemumbledandI
watchedinfascinationashiseyesgotdark.

Withoutsayinganythingelse,ortouchingmeatall,hepulledoutsomethingfromhisdresserthenwent
intothebathroomandclosedthedoor.Assoonasthedoorclosedbehindhim,Irantothebedand
jumpedin,pullingtheblanketsuparoundmywaist.ThenIreachedovertoturnonthelamp.Whenhe
camebackout,hewasshirtlessandwearingapairofflannelpajamapantsthatlookedhotonhim.They
hunglow,showingthevofhishipsandIcouldIfeelmymouthwaterjustwatchinghim.

Heturnedoffthebedroomlightthenwalkedtotheoppositesideofthebedandgotin.Isattherefora
secondthenleanedoverandturnedoffthelightnexttome.Ilaydownandpulledthecoversupover
myshoulder.ThenextthingIknew,Iwasbeingpulledacrossthebed,mybacktoAsher’sfront,his
armaroundmywaistandhislegsbentintomine.Hemovedmyhairoffmyshouldergently.

“Night,baby,”hewhisperedthenkissedmewheremyneckandshouldermet.

“Night,”Iwhispered,cuddlingcloserandlisteningtohisbreathingevenout.Ifelthisbodyrelaxafew
minuteslaterandIquicklyfollowedhimtosleep.

Iplacemynoseagainsthisribsandtakeadeepbreath,absorbinghissmell.It’searthyandspicyandall
Asher.Ifeelhishandflexonmyhipwherehe’sholdingmeandIscootcloser.Suddenly,I'monmy
back,lookingupathisface.Rumpledwithsleep,he’sstillbeautiful.

“Morning.”Hisvoiceisscratchyandroughanddoesseriousstufftomyinsides.Hiseyesarewarmas
heleansdownandkissesmesoftly.Movinghisfaceaway,heholdsmyfaceinhishands.

“Morning.”Ibreathedeeply,lookingupathimandwonderingwhathe’sthinking.“Areyouokay?”

“Ilikewakinguptoyou.”Idon’tsayanythingbackbutIcanfeelmyfacegetsoft.Ilikewakingupto
himtoo.“Sowhatdoyouwanttodotoday?”heasksashenuzzlesmyneck.Iwrapmylegaroundhis
hipandmyarmonhisback,feelingthehardnessofhismusclesandthesmoothnessofhisskin.

“Willyoutakemeoutonyourfourwheeler?”Iask.Heliftshisheadandsmilesdownatme.

“Howaboutweload’emup.MomandDadhavetwohundredacresandafewpondsontheirproperty.
I’llcalltheguysandseeiftheywanttogofourwheeling.”

“OhmyGod,yes!”IscreamexcitedlythenIrollhimover,straddlinghiships.Ibenddownandkiss
himquicklythengotojumpoffhimandthebedbutI'mhelddownbyhishandsatmyhips.Ilookat
hisfaceandseehiseyesaredarkandhooded.IknowI'mintroublewhenhishandsslidefrommyhips,
downmythighs,andupundermynightgown.

Ifeelthelengthofhimpressedtomycoreandbecomeinstantlywetashishandstravelovermyribs.
Histhumbsmoveoverthesensitiveskinundermybreastandmybreathingbecomeserratic.Mynipples
goinstantlyhard.Hesitsupandkissesmeasoneofhishandsmovestomyassandtheothergrabsmy
hair,tiltingmyhead.Hetastessogoodthatmyhandsgotohishead,holdinghimclose.Hebendsme
backsoI'munderhim.Mylegsgoaroundhiswaistandhekissesmedeeplythensitsback,looking
downatme.

WearebothbreathingheavilyandIwanthismouthback.IwhimperasIfeelhisfingersatmyhip,
runningupmythigh.He’swatchingittravelovermyskin.Whenhiseyeslockwithmine,hebendshis
headandtakesmymouthagain.Histongueisagainstminethenonmyneck,lickingandbiting.His
handtravelsupmysidetomybreastandIfeeltheairagainstmynipplejustbeforehismouthisonme,
suckinghard.MybackbowsoffthebedandIholdhisheadagainstme,tryingtopullhimcloser.I’m
shockedwhenIfeellikeImightorgasmjustfromthis.Imoanandhegrowls,releasingmybreastthen
attackingmyothernipplewhilehisfingersrollandpulltheonehejustleft.Myhipsliftintohisandthe
frictionhitsmejustright.Ishatterintoamillionpieces,moaninghisnameasmylegstightenaround
him.MyfingersaregrippinghisheadwhileIcomebackslowly.

Openingmyeyes,Iseethathe’slookingdownatme.“Fuckingbeautiful,”hesays,kissingmeagain.
Thistimeit’smuchharder.Ikisshimbackwhilemyhandgoestohisstomach.Icanfeelhismuscles
tenseundermyfingersandIdragmynailsalonghisskin.Thenmynightgownisgone,overmyhead,
andAsher’sbodyiscoveringmine.Hischestisagainstmine,hismouthisdevouringmineandIroll
himoverandstraddlehiships.HishipsriseupasminegodownandImoan.Myheadfliesbackand
thenhismouthisonmynipple.Herollsmebackoverandhisfingersgoinsidemypantiesandpressin.
“Fuckingsoaked.”Hegrowlsandthatjustmakesmewetter.“Jesus,Ican’twaittotasteyou.”His
fingersswirlovermyclitandIgrabontohisbicep,myheadflyingbackforanotherswirl.Hisfingers
fillmesoperfectlythatmyhipsliftoffthebed.Ipullhisheaddowntomineandkisshimdeeply.
“Please,”Ibegged.Ineededmore.

“I'mnotlettingyoucomeagainuntilIcantasteyoudoingit,baby.”Ihaveaminiorgasmfromhis
wordsandhestartsslidingmypantiesdownmylegs.

“Yo!Getyourlazyassoutofbed.”Myheadjerksup.“Whatthefuck,”thepersonsaysthenIhear
barkingandgrowlingcomingfromBeast.

“Whatthefuck?”Ashergrowlsthenthealarmstartsgoingoff.“JesusChrist,”hemutters,rollsoffthe
bedandIsitup,tryingtofindmynightgown.Heputsanarmoneachsideonmywaistthenkissesme
likemydogisnotabouttokillsomeoneandthealarmisnotgoingoff.It’swetanddeepandI'm
breathingheavilywhenhepullsaway.“Cometothekitchen,baby,”hesays,puttingashirtonand
walkingoutoftheroom.ThealarmstopsandIjumpoffthebed,pullmynightgowndownovermy
head,thenruntothebathroomtodomybusiness.

Ibrushmyteeth,digthroughmybagtofindahoodieandputitonovermynightgownthengotothe
kitchen.Asherisstandingnearthecoffeepotandthereisaguysittingattheisland.He’sslimbutyou
cantellthathe’salsomuscular.Hisdarkbrownhairismessyandhisfaceismodelperfectwithlong
lashes,darkeyes,andfulllips.

He’slookingatmestrangelythenhiseyesdroptomylegs.IfeelsouncomfortablethatIknowI'mnot
goingtobeabletostandinthesameroomashimwearingwhatIhaveonsoIturnandrunbacktothe
bedroom.Ifindmysweatsandtankandputthemonquickly.WhenIgobackout,theguyissmirking
atmebutAsher’sjustsmiling.“Comehere,baby,”hesaysquietly,liftinghisarmasIwalktohimand
myfacegoesintohischest.Ifeelhislipsatmyhairline.”November,thisisSven.Sven,November.”

“Hi.Nicetomeetyou,”Isayandhe’slookingbetweenAsherandme.Icantellthatheisguardedand
that’sokay.Ifeelthesame.

“Youtoo,November.”IsmileathimthenlookaroundforBeast.IhearhispawonthedoorsoIleave
Asher’ssideandslidethedooropen.

Onceagain,I'mtrampledbymydog.Ifallonmybuttandhe’slickingmeandstandingoverme.Itryto
pushhimoffbuthe’stooexcitedandI'mlaughingsohardthattearsstarttofallfrommyeyes.Then
BeastispushedawayandAsher’stheresmilingdownatme.

“Baby,weneedtogetyouasmallerdog,”hesays,pickingmeupoffthefloor.

“Hejustgetsalittleexcited.”IlaughandAsherrunshisnosealongmine.

“Beautiful,”hewhispersthenkissesmesoftlyandputsmebackunderhisarm.Hewalksmeback
aroundtheislandintothekitchenandI'minsuchafogthatIforgetforasecondthatsomeoneelseis
herewithus.

IlookupatAsherandsmilebig,bitingmylipandrealizingthatIcouldfallinlovewithhim.Ilookat
Svenandhesmilesandwinkslikehe’sreadingmymind.Ismileback.

“Coffee?”Asherasks,givingmeasqueeze.

“Yes,please.CanI,um,makebreakfast?”Iask,unsureifthatmightcrossaline.

“Ifyouwant.”Heshrugshisshoulders.

“Okay,”IsayandgoaboutgettingeverythingreadyforFrenchtoast.Onceit’sdone,Islidesomeona
plateofSven,Asherandmyself.Ifindsyrupandbutterandputthemoutonthecounterinfrontofthe
guysthengrabthecoffeepotandfilltheircups.EverythinghasgonesilentsoIlookupandbothof
themarestaringatmelikeI'mcrazy.“Um…”

“Yougonnaeat,baby?”Inodmyhead.“Comehere,November.”IwalktowardshimeventhoughI
wanttorunandhideinthebathroom.OnceI'minfrontofhim,hepullsmeontohislapandpullsmy
platetowardussomineandhisarenexttoeachotherthenhehandsmemyfork.

“Icansitontheotherstool,”Isayquietly.

Ifeelhislipsundermyear.“Iwantyouclose.”Hekissesmyneckandgoesabouteatingandtalkingto
Sven.“I'mtakingNovembertoMomandDad’stogofourwheeling.I'llcalltheboysandseeifthey
wanttomeetthere.Youwannago?”heasksSven.Svenjustlooksatme.

“Youwanttogofourwheeling?”Svenaskswithalookofshockwrittenalloverhishandsomeface.

“Yes!I'msoexcited.”Isquealandclap,whichmakeshimandAsherchuckle.“Hey,canIinviteLiz?”I
turn,lookingovermyshoulderatAsher.

“Who’sLiz?”heasks.

“Imetheryesterday.Sheownsastoreonthesquarewithhermom.She’sreallysweet.Someofyour
haremweretheregivingherahardtime.”IrollmyeyesandIhearSvenchuckle.

“Harem?”Asherquestionswithhiseyebrowraised.

“Thegirlsfromthebarthatwereallgatheredaroundthepooltablewaitingtobechosenlikeabad
episodeofthebachelor,”Isay,gigglingwhenAsherstartsticklingmysides.

“Well,IchoseyousoIguessyougetmypoolstick.”

“Didyouseriouslyjustsaythat?”Iask,scrunchingupmynose,laughing.IlookatSvenwhoisalso
crackingup.

“Callyourfriend.Justhavehermeetusthere.I’llgiveyoutheaddress.”Hesmilesandkissesmyneck.

“Cool,”Isay,smilingback.

Afterbreakfast,AsherandSvenleavetoloadupthefourwheelerswhileIcleanupthekitchenand
jumpintheshower.I’mstandinginAsher’sbedroom,wrappedinatowel,whenhewalksintothe
room.Iautomaticallyfeellikepreytoaverylarge,veryhungrypredator.

“Jesus,IfeellikeI'mlivingafuckingnightmare.”

“What?”Iwhisper,feelinguncomfortableallofthesudden,wonderingifIreadhisexpressionwrong.

“Havingyouwrappedaroundmeallnight,feelingyoucomingaroundmyfingers,nowwrappedina
towelandknowingwhat’sunderthatshitandnotbeingabletodoadamnthingaboutitismyworst
fuckingnightmare.”

OhmyGod,mynipplesgohardandmybreathhitchesathiswords.Iwanthimtodosomethingabout
itandIamdebatingrunningacrosstheroom.WhenhelungesbeforeIcanmakeamove,Iaminhis
armswithhismouthonmine.IgointoaninstantAsherfog.Hebreaksaway,shovinghisfaceinmy
neck.

“Tonight,”hegrowls,bitingmyneckthenlettingmego.Hegoesstraightintothebathroom,closingthe
doorbehindhim.Icanheartheshowerturnon.Iruntomybagandpulloutjeans,aplainredT-shirt
andaredlacebraandmatchinglacecheekypanties.IdressfastandambraidingmyhairwhenAsher
comesoutwithatowelwrappedaroundhiswaistandwaterdrippingdownthecontoursofhisbody.I
amcompletelylostandknowwhathewastalkingaboutwhenhesaidhewaslivinganightmare.Partof
mewantsnothingmorethantothrowmyselfathimbuttheotherpartofmeisafraidthatoncewehave
sex,hewillgetboredandloseinterest.

“I'mgonnagetdressed,baby,sounlessyouwanttowatch,youshouldgowaitinthekitchen.”

“I’llbeinthekitchen,”Isqueakthenwalkquicklyoutoftheroom.

Chapter5

Iwaslyingontheground,laughingsohardthatIthoughtImightpeemyselfaftercallingLizand
askinghertocomefourwheeling.Shewasworkingathershopandcouldn’tmakeitsowemadeplans
tomeetupMondayaftermymeetingwiththelawyer.

Asherdroveusouttohisparents’house.Everyonewasstandingoutsideahuge,steelbuildingwhenwe
arrived.Theyweregassingupthefourwheelersandbikes.

I’veneverriddenbeforesoAshershowedmewhattodo.Ireallyonlyheardhalfofwhathesaid
becausemyexcitementwastakingover.Wetookoffonthetrailsaroundhisparents’placeandrodefor
acouplehours.

Eventually,theguysstartedracingsoSvensaidhewouldteachmehowtoridehisdirtbikewhileAsher
wasracinghisdad.IwaspracticingmybalancewhenAshercamearoundthecornerandsawmeonthe
dirtbike.IwatchedAsherwalkoverandshoveSventhenheslunghishandoutinmydirection.Icould
seehismouthmovingbutIhadahelmetonsoIcouldn’thearwhatwasbeingsaid.

IstoppedthebikeandCashhelditupwhileIgotoff.IwalkedtowardsAsher.Hismomanddadwere
standingtothesidewhileheyelledathisfriendabouthowinthehellheletmegetonhisbike.Hearing
whathewassayingpissedmeoff.Iwasn’tsomehelplesschildwhoneededconstantsupervision.

“Iseverythingokay?”Iasked,crossingmyarmsovermychest.Ilookedaroundandnoticedeveryone
waswatching.

“Whatthehellareyouthinking?”Asherglaredatme.“Thatbikeistoobigforyou.Doyourealizeyou
couldbeseriouslyhurt?”

“Areyouserious?”Iaskedlookingathimlikehegrewathirdeye.Icouldheartheguyschuckling
behindus.

“Deadlyfuckingserious.”Hegrowled.

“Youlistentome,Asher.Youarenotthebossofme.I'mgoingtolearnhowtorideamotorcycleand
thenI'mgoingtobuyonesoIcanrideitwheneverIwantandthereisnotadamnthingyoucando
aboutit,”Isaid,pokinghiminthechest.

“Fuck,no,you’renot.”

“Mydad’steachingmeonhisnextdayoff,”Isaid,smilingsweetly.

“Baby,I'mtellingyourightnow,ifyouthinkthatI'mgoingtoletyouride,you’recrazy.”

“And,baby,”Isaidsarcastically.“I'mtellingyouthatIdon’tneedyourpermissiontodoanything.”

“We’llsee.”Hegrowledthenpulledmeintohischestandkissedmehard—withtongue—while

everyonewatched.Whenhebrokethekiss,IwasinsuchafogthatIdidn’tevenyellathimforkissing
meinfrontofhisparents.Heputhisarmaroundmyshoulderandpulledmeintohisside.Ilooked
aroundandeveryonewassmiling.Iwaswonderingwhatthehelljusthappened.Wewerearguingthen
weweren’t…isthatnormal?

“Alright,kiddos.Let’sgoeat,”Asher’smomcalledloudly.IstartedgigglingandAsherjustlooked
downonme,smiling.

“What?”Ishruggedmyshoulders.“ShemakesmefeellikeI'mfiveyearsold.”

Asher’smommadeamazingBBQpulledporkinhercrockpotthentoastedgiantpotatoesbunsand
loadedthemwithmeat.Sheevenmadesweetpotatoesfriesandhomemadecoleslaw.Itwasdelicious.

Wesataroundalargefirepit,drinkingandeating,thenshebroughtoutmarshmallows,grahamcrackers
andchocolatebarssowecouldmakes’mores.Itwasperfect.

IwastuckedclosetoAsherwithmybellyfullandmyfavoritehardappleciderinmyhand.Life
couldn’tgetanybetterthanthat.Theguysstartedtellingstoriesabouttrickstheyplayedoneachother
whentheywereyoungerandotherstupidthingstheydid.

“SoAsherandmeusedtoskateboardwhenwewereinhighschool,”Svensaidstartinghisstory.“One
timewewereoutridingaroundwhenAsherfellwhiletryingtodoatrickoffasetofstairsnearthe
library.Well,hemissedhislandingandendedupdoingthesplitsdownthestairs,hurtinghisgroin
muscle.Wewentbacktomyhousesohecouldputsomeiceonit.Iwasinthekitchengettingiceout
forhimwhenIheardhimscreamingfromthebathroomlikeadamngirl.Irantowardsthebathroomto
figureoutwhathappened.Ibangonthedoorandhedidn’tanswer.AllIcouldhearwasmoaningand
crying.So,Isayfuckitandwalkintoascenethat,tothisday,isstillburnedintothebackofmy
eyelids.Yourman,”hesaid,lookingatmeandlaughing,“waslayingonthefloorinthebathroomwith
ajaroficy/hot.Hedecidedtoputthatshitonhisgroin,thinkingthatwouldhelp.Hegotthatshitonhis
ballsandalmostpassedoutfromthepain.”

Iwaslaughingsohard,Ifellbackwardsoffthelogthatweweresittingon.Ihadn’thadthismuchfun
everandIwasdirtierthanIhadeverbeeninmylife.Ihadmudinmyhair,onmyfaceandallovermy
clothes.I'msureIlookedlikeahomelesspersonbuteveryoneelsewasjustasdirty.EvenAsher’smom
wascoveredindirt.IlovedallofthemandIlovedTennessee.Thelaidbacklifestyleandthefriendly
peopleweresodifferentfromNewYorkers.Irealized,lyingonthegroundinthedirt,thatIwashappy.
Really,reallyhappyforthefirsttimeinmylife.Asherleanedoverandhelpedmebackuponthelog.
Heputmebackunderhisarmandkissedmynose,smiling.

“I'mstealingyourgirl,”Svensaiddeadpan.

“Fuck,no,”Ashersaid,smilingathim.Theguyswentbacktotalkingaboutthejobsiteandthingsthey
hadtogetdonebeforethenextinspection.MeandSusanweretalkingaboutourtriptoNashville
tomorrow.

“SoI’llpickyouuparoundnine,”shetoldme.

“Okay,soundsgood.”

“Twelve,Mom.Noearlier,”Ashersaid,breakingintoourconversation.

“Nine,”hismomsaid,lookingathim,daringhimtodisagree.

“Twelve.TomorrowisSundayandwe’resleepingin.”

“Ni—“

“Susan,”Mr.Jamessaidinawarningtonetohiswifethenhepulledherintohislapandwhisperedin
herear.Shemeltedagainsthimthenlookedoveratme.

“I’llbethereattwelve.”Inoddedmyheadinagreementthengiggledwhenshelaughed.Apparently,
Ashertookafterhisdad.

IcrawledintoAsher’slapandcuddledintohimwhileeveryonesataroundtalking.Imusthavefallen
asleepbecausethenextthingIknew,IwasbeingputintothefrontseatofAsher’sjeep.

“We’llbehomesoon,baby,”hewhisperedandIfelthislipsatmyforehead.Iwasbackasleepbeforehe
shutmydoor.

IfeltthecarcometoastopandIliftedmyheadfromAsher’sshoulderwhereithadfallen.

“Hey,sleepyhead,”hesaid,lookingoveratme.

“Thiswasthebestdayever,”Isaid,smiling.Igrabbedhisfaceandkissedhimhard.

“Yeah,”hesaidwithhiseyesrunningovermyface.Hekissedmynoseandopenedhisdoorandlet
Beastoutonhisside.Imethiminfrontofthejeepandwewalkedintothehousewithmeleaninginto
hisside.Ididn’tpullawayuntilwewereinthelivingroom.

“I'mgoingtoshower,”Itoldhimandstumbledmywaytothebathroom.Iwasstandinginmyclothes.I
hadalreadytakenoffmydirtyshoesandsocksandwaswaitingforthewatertogethotbeforeI
undressed.

IturnedontheshowerandfeltwarmthhitmybackandAsher’shandslidealongmybelly.Iturnedmy
headtoaskwhathewasdoingwhenIcaughtthelookinhiseyes.Heusedhishandstoturnmebymy
waist,hisfingersattheedgeofmyshirtasashiverrandownmyspineandheatfloodedmycenter.He
liftedtheedgeofmyshirtandpulleditupovermyhead.Hiseyeswereonmyredlacebraandhis
fingertracedtheedgeofit.Iputmyhandsupthefrontofhisshirt,feelinghissmoothskin.Hetookhis
handsawayfrommeandputthemonthewallbehindhishead.Dragginghisshirtupandover,his
handsthencametothebuttonofmyjeans.Mystomachmusclescontractedathistouch.Mybreaths
werebecomingerraticfromhavinghimthisclosetome,touchinghim.Ashertouchingme.Iprayed
thatnooneinterruptedusthistimeandquicklymovedmyhandstothefrontofhisjeans.

Withoutwarning,hecapturedmyhandsandpulledthemawayfromhisskin.Startled,Ilookedupat
him.Hismouthcrashedintomine,histongueswepttheseamofmymouthandmineopenedunderhis.
Myhandsgrabbedhishead,holdinghimcloser,deepeningthekiss.Hishandssliddownmywaistto
myassandhepickedmeup.Myjeansfelltothefloorandmylegscircledhiships.Hewalkedfive
stepstosetmedownonthebasinofthesink.Hishandwenttomyhairandhetugsoutmyhairtie.My

hairfelldownaroundmeandhewrappedhisfistinit,tuggingmyheadtothesidesohecouldkissme
harder.

Mybodywasonfireandmypantiesweresoaked.Itightenedmylegsaroundhim,tryingtogetsome
frictiontorelievetheachethathecreated.Hegrowledandpulledhislowerbodyslightlyawayfrom
me.Iwhimperedandmyheadfellbackagainstthemirror.Hislipstraileddownmyneck,breathing
heavily.Mythighsstartedshakingashekisseddownmyneck,overmycollarbone,totheedgeofmy
lacebra.Thenhismouthwassuckingmynipplethroughthelace.Thefrictionwasintense.“Asher,”I
whimpered.

“Iknow,baby.”ThenhesuckedharderandIcouldfeelhisteethscrapeagainstmysensitiveflesh.His
handtraveleddownmysidetotheedgeofmypanties.Nearmyhip,Ifelthisfingerslidingunderthe
edgeandtravelingalongtheinsideofmythigh.HewasapproachingmycoreandIstartedpanting.His
handsandmouthfeltamazingonmebutIneededmore.

Bitingmylip,Ilookeddownathim.ItwasthemosteroticthingI’veeverseen.Hishandpulleddown
thecupsofmybrathenhismouthlatchedbackon.Hishandwenttomyothernipple,pullingand
rollingitbetweenhisfingers.Myheadtrashedthenhismouthwasbackonmine.Myhandstraveled
downhisback,aroundtothefrontofhisjeanssoIcouldgethisbuttonundone.

IusedmytoestoshovehisjeansandboxersdownhishipsthenIwatchedashesprangfree.Hiscockis
asbeautifulasheis.Longandthick,IjustwanttowrapmymoutharounditbutI'mpinnedtothe
counter.Iwrappedmyhandaroundhimandpumpedonce.

“Shit!”Ashergrowledandpulledawayfrommygrasp.Hismouthwastrailingdownmybody,licking
andbiting.Hishandwenttomypantiesandhegrabbedthematerialatmycoreandrippedthemaway.
“You’resoaked,baby.Doyouwantmymouthormycock?”Thiswassuchacomplicatedquestion.

IwantedbothbutallIcouldsaywas,“Please.”Thenhishotmouthwasonmesucking,licking,and
consumingmelikehewasstarving.Hishandswenttomyass,pullingmecloser.Myhandswenttohis
head,holdinghimtome.HisfingersslidinandIshattered,screamingouthisname.Mybodywas
shaking.NeverhaveIfeltthatwayinmylife.Itwasoneofthosemindblowing,bodyshakingorgasms
thateveryonetalksabout.Ifloatedslowlybacktoearth.

WhenIopenedmyeyes,Asherwasleaningoverme.“Pleasetellmethatyou’reonbirthcontrol.”

“Yes,”Icried,feelingthelengthofhimagainstme.Thenheslammedintome.Iscreamedhisnameand
hisforeheaddroppedtomychestandhestilledhismovements.Irolledmyhips,tryingtogethimto
givemewhatIneeded.

Hisheadcameup.“Don’tmove,baby,”hewhispered.Iwatchedashetookadeepbreaththenhepulled
outandslidbackin.

Mybackbowed.“Please,Asher,”Icried,diggingmynailsintohisback.

“Holdontome,baby.”

Igrabbedontohimandwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Hecarriedmetothebed.Oncehelaidme
down,hegrabbedmyhipsandslammedintomeoverandover.Myheadwentbackandmyeyesclosed.

Hewashittingtheperfectspotandhisfingerswerediggingintomyhips.ThepainandpleasurethatI
wasfeelingwasmakingmecryoutwitheachthrust.

“Lookatme.”Hegrowled.Myheadtippeddownandhekissedmedeeply.Itoremymouthawayand
myheadflewagainstthemattressasIfeltmyselfstarttocome.“Lookatme,November.”Hegrowled
againandmyeyescametohis.

“Youdon’tcomeuntilIcomewithyou,”hesaid,poundingintome.

“I'mgoingtocomenow,”Itoldhim,feelingmyinsidestighten.

“Notyet.Holdit.”OhGod,Ididn’tknowifIcouldholdit.Mybodywasonfire.Ibitdownonhis
shoulder,tryingtocontrolmyorgasm.

“Fuck,comenow,”heroaredandIfelthimswellasmybodyexplodedaroundhim.

Iwasfloatingwithamillioncolorsdancingaroundme.Myfacewentintohisneck,myarmsandlegs
tightenedaroundhim,holdinghimclose.Westayedlikethatforalongtime,justholdingeachother
closely.Ourbreathingevenedoutandheliftedhishead.Ipulledmyfaceoutofhisneck.

“Areyouokay,baby?”heasked,hiseyessearchingmyface.

“Amazing,”Isaid,leaninginandkissinghimsoftly.

“Fuck,yourpussyisasbeautifulasyouare.”Hetightenedhisarmsaroundme.“Andassweetasyour
mouth.”Ihadneverhadaguygodownonmebefore.Ithoughtitwouldbeuncomfortablebutitwas
amazing.AllIcoulddowassmile.“What’sthatlook?”heasked.

“Um,I’veneverdonethatbefore.Imean,I’vedoneitbutneverhadaguydothattome.”Hestarted
chuckling.HisbodywasstillsurroundingmeandIcouldstillfeelhiminsideme.

“You’rekidding,right?”heasked.Ifeltembarrassedandmybodywenttight.Ilookedoverhis
shoulder,wonderingwhyIhadnofilterwithhim.Itwaslikewhateverwasonmymindcameoutlike
wordvomit.

“Weshould,um,turnofftheshower,”Itoldhisshoulder.Thatwasn’talie.Therewassteamrollingout
ofthebathroom.

“Baby,lookatme.”

“I’mjustsayingwedon’twanttorunoutofhotwater.”

“November,lookatme.”Athistone,myeyeswenttohis.Hecuppedmycheekinhisbigpalmand
kissedmesoftly.“Youneverhavetobeembarrassed.Trustme,I'mfuckingthankfulthatI'mtheonly
onewhohasgottentoseeyoulikethat.”IfeltmynosestingandIshovedmyfaceinhisneck.

“Okay,”Iwhispered.Hemademefeelbeautifulandspecial,likeIhadknownhimforeverratherthan
justafewdays.

“Now,let’shaveashower,”hesaid,pickingmeup.MylegswerestillaroundhimandIcouldfeelhim

insideme.Themovementcausedmetomoan.“You’regoingtogetsoapyandplaywithyourselfwhile
Iwatch.”

“What?”Iwhispered,feelingnervousandexcited.

“Youheardme,”hesaid,nippingmyneck.Hestoodmeupintheshowerandhandedmeabottleof
bodywashandasponge.Asdirected,Igotsoapyandplayedwithmyself.Then,heplayedwithme.
Then,Iplayedwithhim.

Whenwegotoutanddriedoff,hecarriedmetobedwithoutbotheringwithclothes.Hewrappedhis
bodyaroundmineandwefellasleep.Itwasdefinitelythebestdayofmylife.

*********************

SomaybeI'mmorelikemygrandmotherthanIthought.ImeanIloveshoppingasmuchasthenext
womanbutseriously,it’salmosttenatnightandwe’rejustnowheadinghomefromourgirls’dayout.

ThedaystartedwithAsherwakingmewithhismouthandfingersthenhehadmegetontopandride
himuntilwebothcollapsedbackintobedbreathingheavily.Wemadebreakfastanddrankcoffeeouton
thedeckwhilewatchingBeastchasewildturkeysaroundtheyard.

Asher’smomshowedupateleventhirtywhenIwasstillinthebathroomputtingonmakeup.Ijusthad
toputmyclothesonsoIchoseapairofdarkjeansandanempirewaistfloraltanktopandamintgreen
cardiganoveritwithkneehighbrownboots.Theyhavealowheelsothey’recomfortableforwalking.

IwalkedintothekitchenandAsherwasstandingnearthesinkinjeans,barefeetandablackthermal
longsleeveshirtthathadbuttonsattheneckthatwereundone.Hisfacewasextrascruffysohelooked
exceptionallysexy.Iwantedtosendhismomhomeanddraghimbacktobedfortheday.Hiseyes
cametomeandhedidaheadtotoeinspectionandgavemeasweetsmile.HiseyeswerewarmandasI
bitmylip,theydroppedtomymouthandIgotthedimple.

“Areyoureadytogo,beautifulgirl?”hismomasked,makingmejump.Ifeltheathitmycheeks
becauseIforgotthatshewastheretheminuteIsawAsher.

“Um,yeah.Canwestopatmydad’ssoIcandropoffBeast?”Iasked,lookingather.

“Beastisgoingwithme,baby.I'mmeetingTrevortohelphimwithsomeshitathishouse.”

“Areyousure?”Iasked.

“Yeah,nowcomekissbeforeyouleave.”

“Asher,”Isaidinawarningtone.

“Baby,getyourassoverhere.IfIhavetocometoyou,you’renotgoingtolikeit.”Ifeelmynipples
tightenathistone.Iwasn’tsosurethatIdidn’twanttoseewhathewoulddo.

“Youdoknowthatyou’renotthebossofme,right?”Iasked,crossingmyarmsovermychesttohide
howturnedonIwas.Hedidn’tmissthegestureandasmugsmileslidacrosshisface.“Whatever,”I
mutteredandgrabbedmybagofftheisland.

LookingatAsher’smom,Iasked,“Ready?”

BeforeIcouldmakeitfivesteps,IwasspunaroundandAsher’smouthwasonmine.Itriedtofight
himbuthishandtwistedintothehairatthebackofmyhead.Igaspedthenhistonguewasinmy
mouth.Icouldn’thelpbuttokisshimback.

Whenhetearshismouthfrommine,hemoveshislipsnearmyearandwhispers,“You’remine.Every
inchofyoubelongstome.FromyoursweetmouthtoyourevensweeterpussyandwhenIwantit,you
bettergiveittome.”

Hebitesmyearlobethenkissesmynose.IwasinacompleteAsherfogwhenIheardSusancallmy
name.Ilookedatherandshewassmiling.IlookupatAsherandhekissesmynoseagain.“Havefun,
baby.”

Inarrowedmyeyesonhim,prayingformagicalpowersthatwouldcausehimtolightonfire.This
didn’thappenandIrolledmyeyes.SusanmovedtostandinfrontofAsher.

“Havefun,Ma,andtakecareofmygirl,”hesaid,bendingdowntokisshercheek.Hewalkedustothe
door.HismomwalkedoutbeforemesoIslowedmystepsandturnedaround.

Standingonmytiptoes,IkissedAsherandquicklyduckedmyheadbeforehecouldgethisarmsaround
me.Iranoutthedoortohismom’struck.“Bye,honey.Haveagoodday,”Iyelled,lookingovermy
shoulderandlaughing.Asherwasstandingontheporchwitharmscrossedandfeetplantedapart.His
dimpleisout.Ihoppedupinthetruckandshutthedoor.IheardAshercallBeastwhoranovertohim
andsatathisfeet.Iwavedaswebackedoutofthedriveway.Asherdidn’twavebutIdidgetachinlift
sothat’sprettymuchthesamething.

“IneverthoughtIwouldhaveafrontrowseattomyeldestsonfallinginlove,”SusansaidandIlooked
overatherdumbfounded.

“What?Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid,lookingoutthewindowandtryingtofightmysmile.

“Oh,yes,honey.Iknowso.Youknow,Jamesgrewupinthistown.Imovedhereaftercollegetowork
inthehospital.WhenIgottotown,IwaswarnedbydozensofwomenaboutJames.Theyallsaidhe
wassogoodlookingthathehadadifferentwomaninhisbedeverynight.Well,Imadeitmymissionto
stayawayfromhim.WhywouldIwantamanwhoobviouslywasn’tfaithfulandneverwantedtosettle
down?Thenonenight,Igotaflattireonmywayhome.Averyhandsomemanpulledupandhelped
megetthespareonmycar.Ihadnoideawhohewasuntilafterhefinishedandintroducedhimself.
Whenhesaidhisname,Igotoutofthereasfastaspossible.Thenextday,Iranintohimintownandhe
askedmeout.Isaidnoandhewalkedaway.Ithoughtthatwasit.Buttheneverydayhewouldbe
somewherethatIwas.HewouldaskmeoutIwouldsayno.Thiswentonforabouttwomonths.Then
oneday,Ifinallysaidyesbutmadehimpromisetoneveraskmeoutagain.Heagreedsowewentout
ononedate.NextthingIknew,Iwasstayingathishouse,heputaringonmyfinger,andIwas
planningawedding.Allofthathappenedinjustafewmonths.Andifyoutalktohismom,shewilltell
youasimilarstoryaboutherandJamesSr.IthinktheMaysonmendon’tbothergettingseriousuntil
theyseesomeonethattheycan’tlivewithout.”

“Um,Asherwasalreadymarried,”Iremindedher.IlikedAsheralotbutIwasnotgoingtogetmy

hopesbuiltonfalsedreams.

“Hewasforaboutthreemonths.Inevermetthegirlanddidn’tevenknowsheexisteduntilacouple
weeksaftertheyweremarriedwhensheansweredthephoneatAsher’sapartment.I'mnotamanbutI
wouldthinkthatifIfoundawomanIwasgoingtospendtherestofmylifewith,Iwouldwantmy
familytoknowabouther.”

“Canwetalkaboutsomethingelse?”Iasked,tryingnottosoundrudebutwantingtochangethetopic.
ThethoughtofAsherinlovewithsomeoneenoughtomarryhermademystomachturn.

“Sure,beautiful,”shesaid,grabbingmyhandandgivingitasqueeze.

“Thanks,”Iwhispered,squeezingherhandback.

WestoppedforcoffeeonourwayoutoftownthenheadedtoNashvilleforadayofshoppingand
manicures.

*********************

Asher

WatchingNovemberpullawaywithmyma,Igetthatfeelinginmychest,thesameoneIgeteverytime
Novembersmilesatme.It’sliketakingashotofwhiskey.Aftertheburn,you’releftwiththewarmth.I
waittillIcan’tseethetruckanymoreanddragmyhandsdownmyface.Beastbarks,gettingmy
attention.

“Comeon.Wegotshittodo,”Itellhim,walkingintothehouse.FuckmeifI'mnotstartingtosound
likeher.She’salwayscarryingononesidedconversationswiththedoglikesheexpectshimtotalk
back.

Iwalkintothebedroomandseethatshemadethebedwhileshewasinheregettingready.Sheleftthe
bathroomlightonsoIgototurnitoff.Thereisgirlyshitalloverthecounter.IwaittoseeifIfeel
panic,andnonecomes.NotthatIactuallyexpecteditto.Shit,whenshetoldmethatshecouldn’tdo
casual,Ihadtolaugh.

IfIcouldputaringonherfingerrightnow,Iwould,butIdon’tthinkshewouldconsiderthattobe
slow.Grabbingmybootsandsocks,IheadouttothelivingroomandcallMike.

AfterwhatNovembertoldmelastnightaboutherchildhood,Iwasdone.Ididn'tcareifhermomdied,
didn’tcarewhatIhadtodobutshewasmineandIwouldneverletherfeelsecondbestagain.

Rememberingthetoneinhervoicewhensheopenedupaboutherchildhood—theneglectandthe
verbalabuse—hadmeinsucharagethatIhadtoremindedmyselfthatshewastherewithmeandit
woulddoneitherofusanygoodifIgotsenttoprisonsomurder.WewereinbedandNovemberwas
lyingontopofmeasIplayedwithherhairwhenIfinalaskedthequestionIthathadbeennaggingme.

"Tellmeaboutyourmom."Isaidfeelingherwholebodygotightmakingmystomachclenchknowing
thatwhateveritwasthatshewasabouttosaywasbadsobadthatshewasnotbreathingandhernails
wherenowdiggingintotheskinonmyarms

"Mymomwasanillusion,"Shewhisperedherbodygettingcloserlikeshewastryingtopressherway
insideofhim."Shewasonepersontotheworldandthenwithme,shewassomeonecompletely
different."Isqueezedhertoletherknowtokeepgoing.

"WhenIwasaroundseven,IhadaschoolshowcomingupandwassoexcitedbecauseIhadgottenthe
mainpart.Iranhometotellmymom,hopingthiswassomethingthatwecouldshare.Shelivedtobe
onstageandwasalwaysawayfollowingherdreamsoIcouldn'tstopthinkingthatshewouldfinallybe
proud.ShewouldfinallyseethatIexistasmorethanjustsomekindofobligation.WhenIgothome,
shehadalreadygoneoutsoIwenttoMiss.BlikeIalwaysdid.IwassoexcitedaboutthepartIthatI
spentallnightmakingsureIkneweveryline,wordforword,sothatwhenmymomgothomeshecould
seehowhardI’dworked.Laterthatnight,mymomcalledMiss.Bandtoldhershewasgoingoutafter
herperformanceandtojustputmetobed.So,likealways,shetookmeacrossthehallandputmeto
bedinmyownroom.ItwasthemiddleofthenightwhenIwaswokenupbeingbeatenwithabroom.
Atfirst,Ithoughtthatsomeonehadbrokeninandwastryingtokillmeuntilmymomstartedyelling
aboutmenotdoingmychores.Shekepthittingmeoverandoveragain.Irememberbeggingherto
stop.Finally,afterwhatseemedlikehours,shemademegetoutofbedandcleanthehousefromtopto
bottom."

Shetookabreathandpushedclosertome."WhenItoldherwhyIhadforgottenaboutdoingmy
chores,shetoldmethatIwasn'tallowedtodotheplaybecauseIwastooirresponsible.Then,shemade
mekneelondryriceforanhourwhileapologizingforbeingsostupidandunappreciative.Thenightof
theschoolplay,mymom,whohadnevergonetoaschoolfunction,mademegowithherandwatch
anothergirlplaytherolethatIhadbeenchosenfor.Whentheplaywasover,mymomdraggedme
backstageandgaveflowerstothegirl,huggingherandtellingherhowamazingshewas."Icouldfeel
hertearswettingmyskin.“Mywholelifeshedidthingslikethat.”Shewhisperedherlastword’sso
softlythatIalmostdidn’thear.

"Whydidn'tyoulivewithyourdad?"Iask,pullinghercloser.

"Shetoldmehedidn'twantmeeither."Icouldn’thandleanymoreabouthermomsoIpulledher
closer,rubbingherbackuntilherbreathingevenedout.

“Asher?Where’smydaughter?”IhearMikeaskonthethirdring.WhenImetNovemberatthestrip
club,Iwasonlytheretomakesurethenewguywehiredwasdoingagoodjob.IsawherwithMikeat
thebarandwantedtowalkoverandtakeherfromhim.ThenJustin,anewbouncer,caughtsightofher
walkingouttohercaraloneandwasgoingtotellherabouttherules,butItoldhimIwouldtakecareof
it.Iwaspissedatmyselfforwantingheranddisgustedwithherfordatingsomeoneoldenoughtobe
herfather.

Obviously,thejokewasonme.WhenIwalkeduptoherandsheturnedherkeysoverinherhandto
usethemasaweapon,Iwasinstantlyproud.Shewassosmallthatitwouldn’ttakemuchtohurther,
butshedidn’tbackdown.ThenshearguedwithmeandIsawhercheeksflush.Ittookeverythinginme
nottowrapherhairaroundmyfist,pressheragainstthecar,andkissher.

WhenMikecalledfromtheothersideoftheparkinglot,shesaid,“Overhere,Daddy,”inawaythat
hadmebitingtheinsideofmycheektoavoidaskingherwhatthefuckshewasdoingwithsomeoneas
oldasMike.

ThenMikecameoverandpattedmeonthebackandintroducedNovemberashisdaughter.Youcould
havepushedmeoverwithafeather.One,I’dknownMikemywholelifeandheneversaidhehada
daughter.Two,shewasthemostbeautifulwomanIhadeverseen.Whenshelaughedatme,IswearI
feltthatshitinmysoul.Thensheshookmyhandandelectricitywentthroughme,andIknewIhadto
getoutofthere.Isaidhername,turnedaround,andwalkedoff.Then,aweeklater,IgotovisitGran
andIseeherthere.Iwasinshock,andadick,asusual.SowhatdoIdo?Forcehertowalkoutwithme
thencrowdheruntilsheagreestogooutwithme.

IknewshewasasattractedmeasIwastoher.WhenIwasstandinginfrontofherandhereyesglazed
overandherlipsparted,Iknewshewasmine.

“Asher?”Shit,Ispacedout.

“She’soutwithMa.Theywenttospendagirls’dayinNashville.Yougetanywordonthebreak-inor
haveanyideawhomayhavedoneit?”Iasked,puttingonmyboots.

“No.ImadeanappointmenttohaveasecuritysystemputinonMonday.Ihavenoideawhoshecould
havemadeanenemyoutof,andwhowouldhateherenoughtofollowhertoTennesseefromNew
York.Thatshitdoesn’tmakesense.Shehasn’tdatedmuch.Hermomkeptherunderherthumb.She
gotfreewhenshewenttocollege.That’swhenshegotengaged.Ithinkthatsituationfuckedwithher
headsoshestoppeddatingalltogether.”Iknowit’sirrational,buteverytimeit’smentionedthatshe’s
beenengaged,Iwanttofindthefuckerandslaughterhim.

“Yeah,shementionedhim.Doyouthinkhemaybetryingtofindawaytogetherback?”

“Notsure.AllIknowistheywereengagedandshecalleditoffnotlongafterheproposed.Shenever
toldmewhyitdidn’tworkout,justthatheagreedwithher.”Hewasfuckinghermomandgotcaught.
I'msurehedidn’thavemuchchoicebuttoagree.NotthatIcouldtellMikethatshit.

“Well,IcalledabuddyofminewhowaspartofF.A.S.T.withmeinthecorps.HeworksinNewJersey
nowandisintheDEA.HehasafewfriendsontheforceinNewYorkhe’sgoingtocheckwithabout
hercaseandseeiftherewereanyothercrimesthathappenedinthesameareathatmatchwhat
happenedtoher.”

“Good.Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingon,butIfeellikeI'mmissingsomething.”Yeah,Iknewthefeeling.
BeingbeateninNewYork,thenthestrangecarattherestarea,andnowthebreak-inhere.Something
wasgoingon.

“I'mgoingtobringoutsomemotionlightsandsetthemuparoundyourplaceanddothesameatmine.
Idon’tlikeherstayingatyourhousealoneatnightwhileyou’reattheclub,soI'mgoingtokeepher
herewithme.Iwouldappreciateyouragreement.ShethemoststubbornwomanIhaveevermet,sothe
onlywayshe’sgoingtoagreeisifyoutellherthatshecan’tstaythereunlessyou’rehome.”

“Really?Theonlyreasonyouwantherstayingwithyouisbecauseyoudon’twantherhereatnightby
herself?”IhearMikechucklethroughthephone.It’snottheonlyreasonIwantherhere.Ilikeherin
mybed,wrappedaroundme.ShehasthesweetestpussythatI’veevertasted.ShegetswildtheminuteI
touchher,andIlikeknowingshe’sinmyspace,butonceagain,I'mnotgoingtotellhimthatshit.

“NeverthoughtIwouldchooseyouformybabygirl,butfuckmeifI'mnotgladaboutthisshitnow.”

Iknowthateveryonejudgedmylifestylebefore,butJesus,Iwassingle,andeverywomanIfucked
knewthatIwasgoingtostaythatway.Now,Novemberisdifferent.Sheisn’ttryingtoimpressmeor
getmymoney.Shelaughsatherselfandhasagoodtimenomatterwhatwe’redoing.That’swhyI
knowshe’sitforme.

WhenImarriedJoan,IfeltlikeIwasdoingtherightthingwhensheclaimedtobepregnant.Iwas
goingtobeinvolvedinmychild’slife,regardlessofhowIfeltaboutthebaby’smother.Ithelpedthat
shewashotandhadamouthlikeafuckingcyclone.Then,Iwasonmywayhomefromanassignment,
amanIconsideredabrother,stoppedmebeforeIwenthomeandbrokedown.

First,IthoughtsomeoneweknewdiedbutthenhetoldmethathesleptwithJoan.WhenIwenthome
thatnight,Ikickedherassoutandtoldhermylawyerwouldbeintouch.

Aweeklater,shecametomecrying,sayingthatshemiscarriedthebaby.Iknewrightthenthatshe
playedme.WhenIaskedherforpaperworkfromthehospital,shecouldn’tgivemeany.Fuckingcunt.

“AndI’llletherknowthatshecan’tstayhereunlessI'mhere,”Mikesaid,bringingmymindbackin
focus.

“Thanks,Mike.I’llhityouuplaterthisweekifIhearanythingfromNewYork.”

“Surething,bud.Talktoyouthen.”IhungupwithMikethengrabbedmykeysandawaterbottlefrom
thefridge.

“Jeep,Beast.”IseehimwaitingatthefrontdoorwhenIgetaroundthecorner.IneverthoughtIwould
wantadogagain,butIlikehavinghimhere.AndIknowhowloyalheistoNovember.Wejustneedto
workonhimknockingherdowneverytimesheletshiminside.Thatshitwouldnotbefunnyifshe
werepregnant.AnimageofNovember,roundwithmychild,filtersthroughmyheadandIstumbleinto
thewall.

“Holyshit,”Isayoutloud,leaningintothewallandtryingtopullmyselftogether.Itakeafewdeep
breathsthenpushawayandwalktothedoor,stumblingouttomyjeep.IopenthedoorforBeastto
jumpin.Istandoutsideforafewminutes,lettingthecoolairhelpcalmme.Thefuckeduppartisthat
I'mnotevenafraid.

“Shit,”Isay,shakingmyhead.Partofmewantstomakeherthatwayassoonaspossible.Scrubbing
myhandsdownmyface.

****************

“Trevor,”IyellasIwalkintomybrother’shouse.Igointothekitchenandgrababeerandtakeadrink
whenJenwalksin.NowIknowwhatthefuckmybrother’sbeendoing.

“Hi,Asher,”Jensays,runningherhandalongmyarm.Iturnaroundandholdherwrist.

“Don’t.”Idropherhand,takingastepback.

“So,therumorsaretrue?NeverthoughtI’dseethedaythatAsherMaysonwaspussywhipped.
Though,forthelifeofme,Idon’tsee—”

“Timeforyoutogo,Jen,”Trevorsays,cuttingheroffwhileputtingonhisshirt.

“What?Ithoughtthatwecouldhangoutforawhile.Youknow,watchamovieorsomething…”she
saysinawhine.Ialmostfeelbadforthisbitch.ThenIrememberthatshe’sabitchandwillneverbe
morethananeasyfuck.Thesamethingshewastome.

“Whenhaveweeverwatchedamovie?”Heshakeshishead.“Youdroveoutheretofuck.Igaveyou
whatyouwantedandnowyouneedtoleave.”

Shit,mybrotherwasharsh,butthenagain,Ineverhadtodealwithkickingchicksoutofmyhouse.
ThatwasalessonIlearnedearlyon.Unlessyouwantthemshowingupatyourhouseallhoursofthe
dayandnightneverinvitethemthere.

“Okay.Willyouwalkmeout?”sheasksandIseemybrother’sfacechange,andIknowexactlywhat
he’sthinking.

“Look,Jen.YouandIknowthiswillneverbeanythingmore,”Trevorsayssoftly.Iseeherfacego
hard.

“You’reafuckingjoke,”shesays,pokinghiminthechest.“Ihadtofakeiteverytimewewere
together,”sheyells,hervoicegettinglouder.

“That’swhyyoukeptcomingback?Look,Idon’thavetimeforthisshit.Nowgetthefuckoutofmy
houseanddon’tcomeback.”Iwatchasmybrothercrosseshisarmsoverhischestandglaresdownat
her.Then,sheturnsandlooksatme,andIknowI'mnextonhertirade.

“Ihopeyouknowthatyourbitchisgoingtofindoutthewayyouguystreatwomen,”shesays,glaring
atme.“Andwhensheleavesyourass,Iwillbetherecheeringheron.”

“SheknowshowItreatbitches,andtrustme,Jen,youwereoneofthebiggest.Now,Isuggestyouget
thefuckoutofherelikeTrevoraskedyouto,orIwillcallthesheriffandhaveyouremoved.”Iwatch
herstomptothecounterandgrabherbag,andhearherstompdownthehall.ThenIhearthedoorslam.

“Jesus,she’sapainintheass,”Trevorsaysashescrubshishandsdownhisface.“Youdoknowthatthe
womenintownareinafuckingtizzybecauseofyourass,right?”heasksandIraisemyeyebrowat
him.“Seriously,theythinkthatnowthatyou’vesettleddown,we’reallgoingtofollowinyour
footstepsandstarthandingoutrings.I'mmean,ifIhadaNovemberofmyown,Imightconsiderit,but
there’sonlyoneofherandIdon’tseeyoubeingdonewithheranytimesoon,sothatdoesn’tgiveme
muchhope.”

“I'mnevergoingtobedonewithher.Andifbysomechancethisshitdoesn’tworkout,she’soff
limits,”Isay,beingonehundredpercentserious.IhavenevercaredifmybrotherswentafterachickI
fucked.ButifoneofthemeventhoughtaboutgettingwithNovember,Iwouldkillthem,brotherornot.

“Ifuckingknewit.”Heclappedhishands.“SotheMaysoncurseisreal.Fallinloveonsightandall
thatbullshit.”Iwantedtolaugh.FromthetimeIwasyoung,myfatherandgrandfathertoldmeandmy

brothersthatwewerecursed.Theysaidthatwewouldonlyfindonelove.Whenwemetthewoman
whowasours,itwouldbelikeanexplosion.Nothingelsewouldmatterbuther.Weallthoughtitwas
bullshit.NowIwasn’tsosure.

“ThemomentImether,Iknewthatshewastheone,ascheesyasthatshitsounds,”Isay,takingaslug
frommybeer.

“Wow,”Trevorsays,lookingstunned.“Idon’tblameyou,man.She’sfuckinghotandfunny.”There
werealotofthingsthatNovemberwas.Hotandfunnywereonlyacouple.Shewasalsoagoodperson
andthatwashardtofindinawomanthesedays.

“So,areyoureadytogetthisshitdone,ordidyoucallmeoutheretogossipwithyou?”Iask,done
talkingabouther.PartofmewishedIwastheonlypersonwhoknewher.Ididn’twanttoshareherwith
anyone.

“Letmegetmybootsandwecango.Thetruckisinthegarage.Itshouldn’ttakelongtopullthe
engine.”

Itakeaswigofmybeerandwatchmybrotherleavetheroom.Icouldn’twaitforthisdaytobeover.

Chapter6

Iwaketoaringingoffindistance.Iknowit’sthealarm.I'msilentlyprayingthatAsherturnsitoff
beforeI'msoawakethatIcan’tfallbackasleep.Icuddledeeper.He’spressedintomyback.Hisarm
leavesmywaist,andfinally,beautifulsilence.Hisarmcomesbackaroundme,pullingmeevendeeper
underhim,andIfeelhisbreathonthebackonmyneck.

Thegoosebumpshe’scausingarebringingmetothesurfaceofconsciousness.It’sMonday,theday
aftershoppingwithhismom.Igotbacktohishouseataroundeleven.HeandBeastwerewaitingout
ontheporchformewhenwepulledup.Hekissedhismomthenhelpedmecarryallmynewstuffinto
thehouse,wherehethrewthemintohiscloset.Yes,threw,notsetthemdownnicely.Heswunghisarm
backandthrewthemthroughtheopenclosetdoor.Whenheturnedaround,Icouldtellthathemissed
measmuchasImissedhim.

ThenextthingIknew,myclothesweregone.Hepickedmeup,threwmeontothebed,andmadeslow
lovetome.Itwassobeautifulthatitbroughttearstomyeyes.Iwasgladthatthedarknesshidthem
fromhim.Afterwards,hepulledmecloseanddraggedtheblanketoverus.Ihadmyheadinthecrook
ofhisarmandhisfingerswereatmyhip.

Webothtalkedaboutourday.HetoldmethathehelpedTrevorpullanenginefromatruckhewas
rebuilding.Ineverknewthatyoucouldpullanenginefromacar,ortruck,forthatmatter,andIreally
hadnoideawhyyouwouldeverdothat.Ourconversationwentsomethinglikethis:

“DidyouhavefunwithTrevor?”Iasked,runningmyfingersalongtheridgesofhisabs.

“No,butwedidgettheenginepulledfromhistruck.”

“Whywouldyoutaketheengineout?Doesn’tacarneedthattorun?”Yes,I'mstupid,Iknow,buthey,
I'maNewYorker.Wehardlydrive.Wetakethesubwayorataxitomostplaces,andifmycarneedsa
mechanic,ItakeittoJuanandleaveitwithhim.Idon’thangaroundtoseewhathe’sdoingwhilemy
carisintheshop,whichisprobablywhymybillatthemechanicisalwaysalot…hmm.Icouldfeel
himlaughingsilentlythenhecouldn’tholditandburstoutinaloudlaugh,andIstartedtogetoffended.

“Yeah,yourcarneedsanenginetorun.Hejustwantstoputastrongeroneinhistruck.”Thisfascinated
me.Imean,whoknewthatyoucouldchangeyourengineandgetafasterone?

“Cool,”Iwhispered,thinkingthatIshouldgetafasterengineformybug.

“Notgonnahappen,”hesaid,lookingdownatme.Thenhekissedthetopofmyhead.Igrinnedintohis
chest,thinkingitwasfunnythathethoughthecouldbossmearound.Iseriouslycouldn’twaittopull
uptomeethimridingamotorcycle.

“HowwasitshoppingwithMa?”

“Um,let’sjustsaythatIwillonlybegoingshoppingwithhereveryfewmonths.IfeltlikeIshould

havepreparedbetter.MayberanaroundTargetafewtimes,orevenwenttothestripmallandmarched
intoeachofthestoresafewtimes.She’saseriousshopper,andiftheyhadacompetition,I'msureshe
wouldcomeinfirstplace.”

“Yeah,that’sMa,”hesaidthroughhislaughter.Then,Iwrappedmyselftighteraroundhim,listeningto
hisheartbeatandfeelinghimrunhisfingersthroughmyhair.Ifellasleepfeelinglikethiswasexactly
whereIwassupposedtobe.

Idozedoffagain,onlytobewokenbythesoundofthealarmgoingoffagain.Ifelthislipskissmy
shoulder,andhistonguerunupmyneckjustbelowmyear,wherehekissedmeagain.Thenhe
squeezedmetohim.HiswarmthleftmeandIfeltthecoolairrushinbehindme,andheardthealarm
gooff.IrolledoveruntilIwaslyingwherehehadbeen,andpulledhispillowdownandwrapped
myselfaroundit.Icouldheartheshower,andIopenedoneeyeandlookedatthetime.Itwasduskout,
andthealarmsaiditwasfivethirty.Icouldn’tbelievethathehadtogetupsoearly.Ihadtogetupby
ninesoIcouldgetreadyandgotothelawyer.IsawtheclosetlightcomeonandIliftedmyhead.

Asherwaswearingatowel,andIwatchedinfascinationashepulleditoffandpulledonapairofblack
boxersthatmoldedtohisthighsandass.HeseriouslyhadthemostamazingbodyofanyoneIhadever
seen.Hemusthavefeltmelookingbecauseheturnedaround,smiled,andshookhishead.

“Gobacktosleep,baby.It’stooearlyforyoutobeup.”

“Doyoualwayswakeupsoearly?”Iasked,cuddlingbackdownintothebed.

“Dependsonthejob.”

“Hmm,”wasallIwasabletogetoutbeforeIfellbackasleep.Ifeltmyhairslideoffmyneckandlips
justbelowmyear.

“I’llbehomearoundsix,andI’llcallyouwhenItakelunch,baby.”Ifelthimkissmeagain,butIwas
toofargonetogetanywordsout,soIgruntedmyagreement.Iheardhimchucklethenhekissedme
againbeforeheleft.

************************

StandingwithmyhiprestingagainstthesideofAsher’skitchensink,drinkingcoffeewhilewatching
Beasteat.Morespecifically,IwaswatchingBeasteatoutofaverynicedogbowlthatwasnexttoa
verynicewaterdish,neitherofwhichIbought.Theywerethelargeonesthatheldanendlesssupplyof
foodandwatersoyourdogcouldenjoyfoodandcleanwaterwhenevertheywanted.

IhadnoideawhenAsherboughtthem.AllIknewwasthathemusthavedoneityesterday.ThenI
watchedasBeastfinishedeatingandwalkedtotheslidingglassdoor.Helaydowninagiantdogbed,
thatwasalsonew,andproceededtochewonaverylargedogbone.Ismiledandletthefeelingof
warmthrunthroughme.Heobviouslylikedmydog,andplannedonusbeingherewithhimenough
thatBeastwouldneedfoodandwaterdishesandabedforwhenwecametovisit.Iwasn’treadytostart
stayingoverallthetime.Imean,Iwas,butatthesametime,Ididn’twanttooverstaymywelcome.I
knewDadhadpeoplecomingouttoputinasecuritysystemtoday,soIwouldbesleepingathome
tonightwithoutAsher.

Onthatthought,Iwenttohisroomandmadethebed,cleanedupthebathroomwhereallmystuffhad
gatheredthenIcollectedallofmyclothingfromhisclosetandpackedup.Then,IgatheredBeastand
wewenttomydad’splacesothathecouldgowithmetothelawyer.

*************************

Iwasstunned.Imean,thiskindofthingdidn’thappentopeopleeveryday.Iwassittingacrossfrom
Mr.StevensonandIcouldn’tfindmyvoice.MymouthwasmovingandI'msureIlookedlikeafishout
ofwater.

Hesatforwardinhischair.“Areyouokay,darlin’?”Mr.Stevensonasked.Ithadtobeatrickquestion.
Imean,Iwasamillionaire.Thatwasgood,right?Everyonewantedtoberich.Ijustdidn’tknowwhat
tothinkaboutbeingtoldthatIwouldbeonemillionfivehundredandthirty-sixthousanddollarsricher
bytheendofthemonth.PartofmewantedtotellhimthatIcouldn’ttakeitthenthebiggerpartofme
realizedhowmanypeopleIcouldhelpwiththatmoney.

“Um,I—Ijustneedaminutetoprocessthis,”Itoldhimhonestly.

“Takeyourtime.”

Ilookedathimthenoveratmydad.Hewasholdingmyhandandhisfacelookedshockedaswell.

“CanIaskaquestion?”

“Ofcourse,”hesaid,sittingbackinhischair.Helookedlikehebelongedinanoldmovie.Hehadon
blackslackswithabuttonupshirtbutinsteadofatie,hehadoneofthosesilverpendantsthathadtwo
piecesofleatherhangingfromit.Onhisfeet,hehadcowboyboots,andIknewthatheworeacowboy
hatbecauseitwassittingonhisdesk.

“Whydidtheyleaveittomeandnotmymom?”WhywouldtheyleavemeanythingwhenIdidn’teven
knowthem?

“I'mnotsureoftheirreasoning.Afewweeksbeforethecaraccident,theycameinandchangedtheir
willsothatyouwouldbethesolebeneficiaryoftheestateattheageoftwenty-eight.Now,yourmother
contactedmeabouttheirestateshortlyafterthedeathofherparentsandIexplainedthesituationtoher.
Shewasupset,butsaidsheunderstoodwhyherparentslefttheirestatetoyou.I'msurprisedthatshe
nevertoldyouaboutthis.”

Iwasn’tsurprisedthatshedidn’ttellme.Weweren’tcloseandshenevertalkedaboutherparents.
Maybeshedidn’ttalkaboutthembecausetheyleftmethemoney.Thatmightalsobewhyshetreated
mesopoorlygrowingup.ShefeltthatItooksomethingawaythatshouldhavebeenhers.IdecidedI
wasgoingtocallherlaterandtellherthatIwasgivingherhalfofthemoney.Theywereherparents
andI'msuretheywouldwanthertohavesomeofit.

“Areyouokay,babygirl?”Iturntowardsmydad.Hiseyesareconcerned,andI'msoluckytohave
him.Hisloveisunconditional.Nostrings,nostipulations.Hejustlovesme.Hedoesn’tevencarethatI
nowhavemoney.AndIknowthatifmymomwassittingwhereheis,shewouldbementallyspending
everypenny.

“Yeah,Dad.IthinkIneedtocallMomlaterandtalktoheraboutthis.”Isqueezehishand.Icouldtell
bythelookonhisfacethathewantedtosaysomething.

“I'mnotsurethat’sagoodidea,babygirl.”

“Dad,IwanttotellherthatI'mgoingtogiveherhalfthemoney.”

“No,that’syourmoney.Youaregoingtokeepeveryfuckingpenny.Thatbitchisnotgettingonecentof
thatmoney.”

“Dad,”Iwhispered.“Theywereherparents.Nomatterhowyoufeelabouther,theygaveherlife.Ifeel
liketheywouldhavewantedhertohavesomethingfromthem.”

“Fuck,no.Theyleftittoyou,nother,andtheydidthatshitforareason.”

“Dad—”

“Babygirl,Iwantyoutothinkaboutthisforaweek.Sevendays.Then,youdecidewhattodoaboutit.
Butdon’tcallheryet.Waitaweekandseehowyoufeel.”IfelttearsstingmyeyesandIknewthatmy
dadhatedmymomforwhatshetookawayfromhim.Ialsoknewhewantedmetomakeagood
decision.

“Okay,aweek,”Iagreed,andhepulledmeintohisarmsandhuggedmeclose.

“Iloveyou,babygirl.Neverforgetthat.”

“Iknow,Daddy.”Ihuggedhimtighter.

“Okay,November,”Mr.Stevensonsaid,bringingmyattentionbacktohim.“Sincethatisalloutofthe
way,I'mgoingtohaveNickcallyouinafewdays,onceIgotallthepapersreadytobesigned.Once
that’sdone,wecantalkabouttheaccountsandIcanhelpyougetthingssorted,sothatit’smore
manageableforyoutohandleonyourown.”

“Thatwouldbegreat,”Itoldhim.Hestood,andDadandIfollowed.Mr.Stevensoncamearoundhis
deskandshookmyhand.

“We’llbeintouch,”hesaid,walkingusouttothefrontoftheofficewhereNickwassittingbehinda
desk,typingawayatacomputer.

“Son,”Mr.Stevensoncalledtohissonandhisheadlifted.“I'mgoingtoneedyoutopullallthepapers
fortheArmstedestatethengatherallthetransferpapers.”

“Noproblem.Howareyou,November?”Nickasked.Hehadonasuittoday,andhelookedgoodinit.
Healsohadonapairofblackrimmedreadingglassesthatmadehiseyesstandout.Hishairwasalittle
shaggierthanthelasttimeIsawhim,anditfithimwell.

“I'mgood.Howareyou?”Iasked,startingtogetuncomfortableaboutthewayhewaslookingatme.
Today,Ihadonapairofblackleggingsandacreamscoopnecksweater.Ialsoworeblackkneehigh
wedgeheelsandthescarfIgotfromLiz’sstore.

“Good.Iwasjustgettingreadytohavelunch.Doyouwanttojoinme?”Hisdadtookastepback,andI
feltawkwardthathewasaskingmeoutinfrontofhisfather.Plus,heknewthatIwasseeingAsher,
whohadmadeitperfectlyclearthatIwasn’tavailable.

“I'msorry,butI'mmeetingLizforcoffee.”HisfacefellandIfeltsobad.I’veneverlikedhurting
people’sfeelings.“ButI'msureshewouldn’tmindifyoujoinedus.”

EventhoughIwassurethatshewouldmind.Shedidn’tseemlikeapeopleperson.Iwasactually
surprisedthatsheevenagreedtohavecoffeewithme.Thenanideaformedinmyhead.Nickwascute
andLizwaspretty.Maybetheycouldgettogether.

“Sure.”Hesmiledandstood.Hetookoffhisglassesandlaidthemdownthengrabbedafileandhanded
ittohisfather,wholookedshocked.

“I’llbebackinanhour.DoyouwantmetogetanythingforyouwhileI'mout?”heaskedhisdad.

“Coffee,”hisdadtoldhim.Mr.Stevensonturnedtowardsme.“Itwasnicemeetingyou,November.See
younextweek,”hesaid,smilingbig.EEEKKKK!!

“Nicetomeetyoutoo,”Isaid,walkingoutthedoor.“Um,dad.I’llseeyouathome,Iguess,”Isaid,
almostwantingmydadtooffertostay.Ididn’twantNicktogetthewrongideathatthiswasadateor
anythingclosetoadate.

“Sure,babygirl.Seeyouathome.”Wewereallstandingoutsideonthesidewalkacoupleblocksaway
fromLiz’sstore.Iwatchedmydadwalktohiscar.Hisheadwasbenttowardshisboots,andhewas
shakinghishead.

“Um,wecanjustwalktogetLiz,andthengotothecoffeeshopnexttoherstore,ifthat’sokaywith
you?”Isaid,lookingupatNick.

“Sure,leadtheway.”HesmiledandIsmiledback,andthenIpulledoutmyphone.Idebatedabout
callingAsher.IfeltguiltyandIdidn’twanthimtofindoutthatNickwaswithmebysomeoneelse,but
atthesametime,Ididn’twanttocallhiminfrontofNick,andhavehimfreakoutandgetintoan
argumentwithhimwhileonthephone.

“So,areyoustillseeingAsher?”heaskedandIputmyphoneaway,decidingIwouldjustcallhimlater.

“Yeah,”Isaid,smiling.

“Oh.”Hiseyebrowsshoottogetherinsurprise,andworrycrossedhisface.“Look,November,Iknow
you’renewbutyoushouldknow—”

Icuthimoffbeforehecouldmakememad.“What?Thathehasbaggedalmosteverygirlintown?Tell
mesomethingIdon’tknow.DoIlikeknowingthat?”Iasked,lookingupathim.“No,butitiswhatit
is,andI'mgivinghimachance.Heissweettome,andiftherecomesatimewhenheisnotsweetto
me,Iwilldealwithit.Gotit?”Iasked,narrowingmyeyes.

“Gotit,”hesaid,hislipstwitching.IwasstilllookingathimwhenIwasgrabbedfrombehindand
pulledofftheground.Iscreamedandstartkicking,tryingtothrowapunch.Icouldhearsomeone

tellingmetocalmdown,butIcouldn’tstopfighting.Iwon’tletmyselfbedraggeddownanalleyand
beatenagain.Ikicked,scratched,screamed,thenarmswrappedaroundme,andIwasbeingrocked
backandforth.Someonewaswhisperingtomethatitwasgoingtobeokay.Istartedpullingmyself
together.

IopenedmyeyesandsawNickstandingfurtherdownthesidewalkwithCashblockinghim.Itooka
breathandrealizedthatI'msittingontheground.Notonlythat,butIwasinsomeone’slap.Iheldmy
breathandliftedmyhead.Yep,it’sNico,andhehasabloodynoseandamarkunderhiseye.

“I'msorry,”Iwhispered.Iswallowedhardandshookmyhead.“Idon’tknowwhathappened.”Ishook
myheadagain,tryingtocleartheadrenaline.

“Donotapologize,”hesaid,framingmyface,andIcouldfeelthetearsslidingdownmycheeks.

“Jesus,Asher’sgoingtokickmyass.”Heleanedinandkissedmyforeheadthenpulledmyfaceback
intohisneck.Ilethimholdmeforaminute,andfeltsoembarrassedaboutwhatjusthappened.

“I'mokaynow,”Itoldhim,wipingmyfaceonhisshirt.

“Didyoujustwipeyourfaceonme?”

“Nope,”Isaid,smilingintohisshirt,rememberingAsherandthefakeblood.

“Justchecking,”hemumbled.Ilooktoseehislipstwitching.Hiseyesscanmyfaceandhisthumb
sweptmycheek.“Haveyoutalkedtoanyoneaboutwhathappened?”Ican’ttalk.Ijustshakemyhead.

“Babe,youneedtotalktosomeone.”Iswallowedandlookeddown.Ifelttearspoolinginmyeyes
again.“Ahfuck.”Hegrowledandhuggedmetightertohim.Thenhestoodandpulledmewithhim,
andCashwastherehuggingme.

“Hey,sis,youscaredthefuckoutofme.”

“Sorry,”ImumbledwhileItriedtosmile.Ilikedthathecalledmesis.HepulledbackandNickstepped
closer.NicosteppedinfrontofhimthenIsawthedamageIcaused.Hisshirtwasripped,hisnosewas
bloody,andafewbruisesunderhiseye.

“OhmyGod,”Iwhispered.IwalkedtoNicoandgrabbedhishand.“Comeon,wehavetogotothe
bathroom.”

“What?”Hestoppedandpulledhishandaway.HelookedatmelikeIwascrazy.

“Wehavetogotothebathroom,”Isaidslowly.

“Thismayhaveescapedyou,butIhaveadick.TheonlytimeIgointothebathroomwithachickisfor
aquickfuck,andthat’snothappening,sono,wedon’thavetogotothebathroom.”

“Yes,wedo,”Iyelled.Igrabbedhishandagainanddraggedhimdownthesidewalk.Whenwegotto
thecafé,IsawLiz.Wemadeeyecontactandhereyesalmostpoppedoutofherhead.

“Hey,honey,I'mgoingtotakeNicotothebathroom.I’llberightback.Canyouordermeacoffeeanda

cinnamonroll?”

“TakeNicotothebathroom?WhatamI,five?”Iheardhimmumblebesideme,andIgiggled.

“Um,sure,”shesaid,hereyeslargefromshockthenIheardhergaspandlookedbehindme.Cashand
Nickwerewalkingin.

“Ohcrap,Liz.Nico,”Isaid,pullinghishandup,whichIwasstillholding.“CashandNick,thisisLiz.
Wewillberightback.IdraggedNicowithmedownthehallandpulledhimintothebathroom.Isaw
Lizgiveaslightwavetotheguysandcouldtellthatshewantedtobolt.

“Stayhere,”Imumbled,standinghiminfrontofthemirror.Iwentintothestalltogettoiletpaper.

“WehavetomakethisfastbeforeLizbailsonme.”

“Areyouthisbossywithmybrother?”Nicoasked,hislipstwitching.Ismiledandshruggedmy
shoulders.Helaughed.

“So,howdoyouknowLiz,”heaskedasIwetthepapertowelandstartedwipingthebloodfromhis
face.

“Idon’treallyknowher.IjustmethertheotherdaywhenIwentintoherstore.Sheseemedsweetand
someoftheMaysonboys’haremwasthere,”Isaid,glaringathim.

“Wedon’thaveaharem.”Hesmirked,soIshookmyhead.

“Yes,youguysdobutanyway,theywererudetoher,soIfiguredthatiftheydidn’tlikeher,Imost
likelywould,nooffense.”

“Nonetaken.”HechuckledandIfinishedcleaninghimup.Then,Iturnedtowardthemirrorandwiped
themascaraoffmyface.

“You’regoingtoneediceforyoureye,”Isaidtohimthroughthemirrorthenturnedtothrowthe
garbageaway.Heignoredmycommentandopenedthedoor.

“Youneedice,”Irepeatedandhejustshookhishead.

“I’llbefine,”hesaidandmyphonestartedringing,savinghimfromalecture.Ipulleditoutofmybag
andsawAshercalling.Crap!

“Hey,”Ianswered.

“Areyouokay,baby?”

“Um,yeah.Ijustfreakedandbeatupyourbrother,”Iwhisperedintothephone.

“I'mgoingtokickhisass.Whatthefuckwashethinking,doingthatshit?”

“It’sfine.HewasjustjokingaroundandIdon’tthinkhewilleverdoitagain.”

“Yeah,Iheard.So,howwasthemeetingwiththelawyer?”

“Oh…um…itwasokay.”

“Well,whatdidhesay?”

“Oh,youknow,thisandthat,typicallawyerstuff.”Icrossedmyfingers,prayingthathedidn’taskme
anymoreaboutit.Iwantedtotellhimbutmoneyalwayschangespeople.

“Whatthefuck?”

“I’drathernottalkaboutthisoverthephone.”

“Okay.Youcantellmetonight.Shouldwedotakeout?”

“I'mstayingatmydad’stonight.”

“November,you’renotstayingthere.It’snotsafe.”

“I’llsleepintheguestroomupstairs.Mydadwillbeinthenextroom.”

“HavedinnerwithMikethenIwantyouinmybedtonight.”

“Idon’tknowifthat’sagoodidea.”

“Whythefucknot?”

“Don’tyouthinkweshouldhaveabreak?Imean,wehavebeentogetherallweekend.”

“Abreak?”heyelledandIknewthatwasthewrongthingtosay.“Carefulhowyouwordshit.Right
now,November,I'malreadypissedoffaboutyoubeingoutwithNickthenyousayyouneedabreak.I
mightgetthewrongidea.”

ThisiswhenIrememberedthathecanbeatotaljerk.“Areyouseriousrightnow?Wait,don’tanswer
that.Iknowyouare,”Iyellback.“Ialsotoldyouthatyouhavetotrustme.Thatisnotoptional,
Asher,”Iwhisperedintothephone,knowingmytemperwasgoingalittlecrazy.“Liziswaitingforme.
I’lltalktoyoulater.”Ihungupandturnedmyphonetosilent.IwalkedtowhereLizwassittingwith
Nick.Herheadwasbent,studyingthecoffeecupinfrontofherlikeitheldthesecretstotheuniverse.I
feltguiltyforleavingheroutthereforsolong.ShelookedupasIsatdownacrossfromher.

“I'msosorry,”Itoldherhonestly.IfeltbadthatImadeplanswithherandtheygotcompletelymessed
up.

“It’sfine.”ShesmiledandlookedoverhershoulderatCashandNico,andIknewthatshewasinhot
guyheaven.Ilaughedandshestartedlaughingtoo.Yep,weweregoingtobegreatfriends.

IlookedupfromhertoseeNicoandCashwalkingtowardsus.Bothwerecarryingcoffeecups.

“Alright,sis,”Cashsaid,lookingdownatme.“Wegottago.We’llseeyouthisweekend,right?”His
phonestartedringingandhepickedupwitha,“Yo,yeah,holdon.”

HepushedthephoneinmydirectionandIknewitwasAsher.Ilookedatitinhishandandfeltlikeit
wasgoingtouncoilandstrikeoutatme.Then,heshoveditcloserandIhadnochoicebuttotakeit

fromhim.

“Hello.”

“Don’teverfuckinghanguponme.”

“I—”

“Seeyouatseven.”Thenthelinewasdead.

“Crap,”Iwhispered.

“Iseverythingokay?”Cashasked.

“Iguesswe’llsee,”Itoldhimtruthfully,bitingmylowerlip.Forthefirsttime,Iwasn’tlooking
forwardtoseeingAsher.

Aftertheguyssaidgoodbye,IdebatedontellingLizIhadaheadache.Inolongerfeltlikevisiting.I
wantedtogohomeandcrawlintobedandcuddlewithBeast.ButIstayed.Nickwasreallynice,no
flirting,justchatting.Lizwaswatchinghimclosely.Theyhadgonetohighschooltogetherbutdidn’t
knoweachotherwell.

Afterawhile,weallsaidgoodbye,andItoldLiztocallmesowecouldmeetuplaterintheweek.I
toldNickthatIwouldtalktohimwhenhegotthestuffreadyformefromhisdad.Then,Igotinmycar
anddrovehome.

*************************

Ifeltfree.Itwasamazing.ThelandscapepassedbyquicklyasIdrovedownalongstretchofcountry
road.WhenIgothome,mydadandunclecameoutonthefrontporchandhadmefollowthemaround
thesideofthehousetothegarage.Whenwegotthere,Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingonuntilthey
pulledthetarpoffashinyblackmotorcycle.

Theyexplainedthatitwasa2011Ninja250r.Itwassmall—perfectformyheightandweight.Italso
didn’thaveasmuchpowerasabiggerbike,sotherewaslessofachanceofmedoingdamagetomyself
orsomeoneelse.Ionlyhalflistenedtothem.Imean,Ihadamotorcycle.Howflippingawesomewas
that?

UncleJoetoldmethatoneofhisboysboughtitforhissonwhenhewantedtolearntoride.Nowhe
wasupgradingtoaHarleysohewasreadytosellit.Ididn’tcare.Ilovedit.Healsogotmeawhite
helmetwithhotpinkandblackairbrushwritingthatsaysbabygirlontheback.

Ijumpedupanddownwhenhehandedittome.Theyshowedmehowtorideforoverthreehoursafter
Ichangedintojeans,bootsandaleatherjacket.Then,theyfinallyletmegooutontheroad.Inthe
country,therewasnotraffic.Youmightcomeacrossatruckortwo,butnormally,youwouldbethe
onlycarontheroadformilesatatime.Itwasperfect.IwasinloveandknewthatIwouldbedoingthis
oftenjusttoclearmyhead.

WhenIstartedupmydad’sdriveway,IsawAsher’sjeepandmygoodmoodleftjustasquicklyasit

came.“Great,”Iwhisperedtomyself.Ipulledupinfrontofthegarage.Igotoffthebike,tookoffmy
helmetandshookoutmyhair.AsherwalkedupwithBeastfollowingbehindhim.Hewaswearingared
thermalandapairofdarkjeansalongwithhisbrownboots.Healsoworeawhitebaseballhatwith
blackwriting.Ihadneverseenhiminahatbeforeandhelookedhot.Well,hotterthannormal.

“Hey,”Isaidandstartedpushingthebikeintothegarage.Hetookoverandpusheditallthewayin
thentookthecoverfrommeandtosseditoverthebike.

“So,IguessthisisonemorethingthatIhavetoworryabout?”heasked,andeventhoughIknewwhat
hewastalkingabout,Istillasked.

“Sorry?”

“Thebike,”hesaid,crossinghisarmsoverhischestandnarrowinghiseyesonme.

“Mydadandunclegotitforme.IlikeridingitandI'mgoingtokeepit.”Icrossedmyarmsovermy
chest,copyinghisstanceanddaringhimtosaysomethingstupidlike,“Youcan’tkeepit.”ThenIwould
haveinformedhimthathewasgoingtobetheonlythingnotkeptifhethoughthecouldtellmethatI
couldn’thavemybike.

“Justpromisethatwhenyou’reonthisshit,you’llalwayswearahelmet,jeans,boots,andajacket.”

“Promise.”Ismiledandhiseyesnarrowedonmymouth.

“NowtellmewhyyouwereoutwithNick.”

“Iwasn’toutwithhim,”Isaid,completelyexasperated.“Iwenttohisdad’sfirm,heaskedmetolunch
andIsaidnothankyouandthatIhadplans.Ifeltbad,soIaskedhimifhewantedtogowithmeand
Lizforcoffee.”

“Uhhum,”hesaid,pullingoneofthebeltloopsofmyjeans,forcingmetotakeastepinhisdirection.

“Uhhum?”Irepeatedwitharaisedeyebrow.

“Whereareyousleepingtonight?”heasked,pullingmecloseranddippinghisheadtowardsmyneck.

“Inbed,”IansweredbutmybrainwasbeingdraggedintoanAsherfogwiththewayhekissedtheskin
belowmyear.

“Whatbed?”hewhisperedashebitmyneck.

“WhatbedamIsupposedtosleepin?”Ibreatheddeeplyashestartednippingonmyearlobe.

“Mine.”

“Hmm.”Imoanedashepressedintome.

“So,whereareyousleeping,November?”Hegrowledandhishandfistedintothebackofmyhead,his
mouthhoveringovermine.Myeyesflutteredopen.“Whereareyousleeping,baby?”heaskedagainst
mymouth.

“Withyou,”Iwhispered,feelingpowerlessagainsthim.

“That’sright.Alwayswithme.”MybrainregistershiswordsbutbeforeIcanmakehimclarifywhathe
means,hismouthisonmineandmybraingoesdeeperintoanAsherfog.Hiskissfeelsdesperate,like
he’sbrandingmewithit.Whenhepulledaway,hepressedhisforeheadagainstmine.Iranmyhand
alonghisjawandhiseyesopenedatmytouch.

“Areyouokay?”Iask.

“Better,”hesaysandIseehiscockygrin.Hethinksthathe’sjustgottenhisway.Iwanttotellhimthat
Ihavenoproblemsleepingwithhim.TheonlythingthatworriesmeisthatIcanbealittleclingy.My
momandmyextoldmethesamething.TheymayhavetoldmethatsoIwouldn’tnagthemabout
wheretheyweregoingorhowlongtheywouldbegone.ButIknowI'mapeopleperson,andifIknow
someoneisaround,Iwanttobewheretheyare.IworrythatImightbewhatmymomandexsaidI
was,andIneverwantedAshertofeellikeIwascrowdinghim.

“Willyoupromisemesomething?”Iask.

“What?”

“Justpromisethat,whenyoustartfeelinglikeI'maroundtoomuch,youwillletmeknow.”

“That’snotgoingtohappen,”hesays,cuppingmycheek.Histhumbslidesacrossmylowerlip.

“Justpromise,okay?”Isay,feelingdesperateforhimtounderstandhowmuchthismeanstome.

“Promise,baby.”

“Thanks.”Igrinandhekissesmynose.

“Now,doyouwanttoeathereordoyouwanttopickupsomethingonthewaybacktomyplace?”I
bitemylip,thinkingaboutit,andhiseyesdroptomymouth.

“Nevermind.We’repickingsomethingup.”Hebendsdownandmybellygoesintohisshoulderandhe
carriesmeoutofthegarage.

“Um,Ihavetogoinsideandgetsomestuff,”Isayfrommyupsidedownposition.

“Youhaveshitatmyplace.”

“Ipackedeverything.”Hestopsandmyfeethittheground.Luckily,hisarmscametomyshouldersorI
wouldhavefallenonmyass.

“Youpackedeverything?”Hegrowls.

“Ididn’twantyoutofeellikeIwassuffocatingyou,”Isaidinahuff.

“Don’tdothatshit.”Hishandsgotomyneck,histhumbssweepundermyjawthenhisfacegetscloser
tomine.“UnlessItellyouthatIwantspace,don’treadintonon-existingshitandcreateproblems.I
swear,”hesays,lookingintothesky,“ifIdon’twantyouaround,Iwilltellyouthatshitstraightout.

Nogames,nobullshit.”

“Okay,”Iwhisper,neverwantingtohearthosewordsfromhim.

“Okay,nowgopackyourshit,”hesaysandIglareathim.

“Don’ttellmetopackmyshit.It’srude.”

“It’srude?”heasks,tiltinghisheadtotheside.“Baby,IpromiseyouwhenIgetyouinmybed,I’ll
showyouhowmuchyoulikemebeingrude.”Thatmademetingleinacoupledifferentspots.I
definitelywantedhimtoshowmehowrudehecouldbe.“Justforthatlookrightthere,I'mgoingto
makeyoubegmetoberudetoyou.”

OhmyGod,Ijusthadanorgasmstandingoutsidemydad’shouseinthedaytime.Ilookaround,hoping
noonesawmehaveaminiorgasm.IknewthatIhadtoplaythisoff,soIdidwhatanywomanwould
do,

“Whatever.”Irolledmyeyesthenranintomydad’shouseasquicklyasIcouldwithhislaughter
followingmethewholeway.

*************************

Asher

IwatchNovemberpullupinfrontoftheclubonthatdamnbike.Ilookoverandseeagroupofguys
watchingthesamethingasme.Sheputsthekickstanddowntakesthehelmetoffandshakesouther
hair.Shelookslikeafuckingwetdreamsittingonthatbike.Herlegsarecoveredintightdenimwith
blackbootslaceduptomid-calf.Shehasaleatherjacketonandit’szippeduphalfway,showingoffa
goodamountofcleavage.Ihearoneoftheguywhistlesandherheadcomesup,spottingme.

“Hey,babe,”shecallsandtheguygoestostepinherdirection.HernosescrunchesandIshakemyhead
athim,walkingtowardmygirl.

“Youjusthadtoridethebike,didn’tyou?”Iask,notatallsurprised.

Shesmiles,shakingherhead.“UncleJoewouldbedisappointedifIdidn’trideit,”shesays,liftingher
legovertheseatandputtingherhelmetunderherarm.Ilookatherandknowshe’sright.Joeloveshis
boys,butneitherofthemride.Nowthathisniecehasshownaninterestinriding,hefeelslikehehas
someonetoshareitwithbesidesMike.

“Didyouridewithhimtoday?”Iask,takingthehelmetfromher.

“Yeah,wewentouttotheparkandstoppedforlunch.”

“Good,”Isayandkisshernose.Wewalkinsidetheclubpastthegroupofguysstandingnearthedoor.
Itusedtobugtheshitoutofmewhenmenopenlycheckedheroutbutnotanymore.Shenevereven
notices.IspotNicoandCash.Theyalreadyhaveatablewaitingforus.

“Hey,guys,”NovembersaystoCashandNico.Theybothstandtohugher.“Where’sTrevor?”she

asks,lookingaround.

“He’spickingupLiz,”Itellherandhereyeslightup.Ishakemyhead.Ihavenoideawhat’sgoingon
withLizandTrevor.Iknowhelikesher,butIthinkherinnocentvibeisthrowinghimoff.Hedoesn’t
knowhowtodealwithagirlthathasnoexperience.Whenhefoundoutsheneededaride,hequickly
volunteeredtopickherup.Maybetheyjustneedsometimetogettoknoweachother.

“Liziscoming?”Cashasks,rubbinghishandstogether.He’sbeenfuckingwithTrevoreverychancehe
gets.AnytimeLizisaroundandanyguyevenlooksather,Trevorlooksreadytosnap.

“Benice,guys,”Novembersaysquietly,takingoffherjacketandrevealingthelowcutshirtthatshe’s
wearingunderit.Ifeelmypulsespeedupandlookaround.

“You’renotcold,baby?”Ihintforhertoputthecoatbackon.IknowifItellhertoputthecoaton,
she’sgoingtotellmewheretoshoveit.

“Nah,I'mgood.”Shesmilessweetly.HereyesgoovermyshoulderandIseeherbodygetstiff.Iturnto
seeBeckymakingherwayovertous.

“Fuck,”Imumble,pullingoutastool,tryingtogetNovembertositdown.

“Asher!”Beckysqueals,throwingherselfatme.Iremoveherarmsandholdherback.

“Wherehaveyoubeen?”sheasks,lookingaroundthetable.HereyeslandonNovemberandherface
goeshard.“Oh,nevermind.Seeyou’restillroamingthestreetswiththepussypeddler.”

“Excuseme?”IfeelNovemberstandbesideme.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”sheasks,tryingtogetaround
me.

“Youneedtoleave,Becky,”Isay,blockingNovember.CashandNicoarenowstandingoneitherside
ofNovember,showingwheretheirloyaltylies.

“Yourdaddysellspussy.”Beckysnarls.

“No,mydadsellsentertainment.”

“Youknowthatsomeofthegirlstheresellpussytotheircustomerswhennoone’slooking,”Becky
says,glaringatNovember.

“What’syourlastname?”NovemberasksandBeckyputsherhandsonherhips.

“Hudson,”Cashsays.NovemberlooksathimthenbackatBecky.

“So,youwereoneofthosegirlswhowassellingpussywhilenoonewaslooking,weren’tyou,Becky
Hudson?”NovembersmirksandBeckytakesastepback.“Mydad’sclubiscleanunlesstrashlikeyou
comesintodirtyitup.Butthen,youknowwhathappenstotrash,don’tyou,Becky?Italwaysgets
thrownout.Don’ttalkaboutmydad’sclubagain.Youworkedforhimuntilyoutriedtomakemoney
ontheside,andhethrewyououtlikethetrashyouare.”Afterlandingherfinalblow,Novemberwalks
tothebar.

“Ican’tbelieveyou’rewithagirllikeher,”Beckysays,shakingherhead.

“Youneedtogoanddon’tcomeback,”Isay,turningtothebar.WhenIreachNovember’sside,she’s
alreadygotherCorona.

“Ihatewomenlikethat,”shesays,shakingherheadandnotlookingupfromherbeer.

“Yeah,”Iagree,thinkingthatIwastedalotoftimeonwomenlikethat.“Youokay?”Iask,pullingher
intomysideandtiltingherheadbacktokissher.

“IwillbewhenIfinishthisCoronaandcanorderanotherone,”shemumblesagainstmylipsandI
smileagainsthers.IwanttotellhersobadlythatIloveher,butIkeeptellingmyselftolethersetthe
pace.“Let’sgobacktothetableandenjoytherestofthenight.”

Chapter7

ItisChristmasEveandI’mstandinginthebathroomtryingtofinishgettingreadytogotoAsher’s
parents’.It’sbeenamonthsinceIfoundoutthatIwasamillionaire.Theonlypersonwhoknowsabout
myinheritanceismydad.IfinallyagreedwithhimthatIwasn’tgoingtogivemymomhalfthemoney.
Shehasn’tevencalledsinceI’vebeeninTennessee.Itriedtocallherandevenleftacouplemessages
butsheneverreturnedmycalls.I'msureifIwouldhavementionedthemoney,Iwouldhavegottena
callback,butIdidn’twantthattobethereasonshereachedouttome.

MyotherdilemmaistryingtofindawaytotellAsheraboutthemoney.EverytimeIamgoingtobring
itup,Iwonderifitwillchangeourrelationship.Idon’tthinkitwill,butyouneverreallyknow.

We’vebeentogetherforoveramonthandIstillsleepinhisbedeverynight,notthatIhaveanychoice
inthematter.AnytimeImentionstayingatmydad’s,hegetsalookthattellsmeifItried,hewould
dragmebacktohishousecavemanstyle.Butreally,Idon’tmind.Ilovegoingtosleepwithhimevery
nightandwakinguptohimeverymorning.

“Hey,baby.Youokay?”Asherasks,comingtostandbehindme,hishandsgoingtomywaistandhis
mouthatmyneck.Myhandsarerollingmyhotrollersintomyhair.Ihaven’tevengottendressedyet.I
stillhaveonmytanktopandsleepshorts.Wegotupearlyandhadbreakfast,andthencrawledback
intobed.

“Yeah,”Iwhisperasthescrufffromhisjawrunsdownmynecktomyshoulder.“Um,actually.Ineed
totellyousomething.”Ibreathedeeply,hopingthatI’mdoingtherightthing.

“Tellme.”Hebitmyearlobe,distractingme.

“I,uh…um.”

“Babe,uhandumisn’tsayingmuch.”

“You’redistractingme.Ican’tthinkwhenyourmouthisonme.”Hisheadcomesupandwemakeeye
contactinthemirror.Hisdimpleisoutandhehasacockygrininplace.

“Youlikemedistractingyouwithmymouth.”HeremindsmeofsomethingthatIdidn’tneedtobe
remindedofrightnow.NotwhenI’mtryingtotellhimsomethingserious.Iglareathiminthemirror
andhechuckles.“Okay,baby.Tellme,”hesays,puttinghischinonthetopofmyhead.

“I'mamillionaire.”Okay,Ididn’tmeantoblurtitoutquitelikethat,butnowitwasoutintheopen.I
feelhisbodytightenaroundmine.

“What?”heasks.Iswallowedandbitemylip.Therewasnogoingback.Iturnedinhisarmsandput
myhandsonhischest.

“Mymom’sparentsleftmetheirestateandit’soveramilliondollars.”

“Whendidyoufindthisout?”Ireallydidn’twanttoanswerthisquestion.Ilookedoverhisshoulder
towardsthedoor.

“Eyesonme.”Ilookedintohiseyesagain.“Whendidyoufindoutaboutthis?”

“Um…I…”Ibitemylipandlookawayagain.

“Eyes!”Hegrowledthistime.“Whendidyoufindoutaboutthis?”Ilookintohisbeautifuleyesandsee
sadnessthereandmyhearthurt.

“WhenIwenttothelawyer,”Iwhisper.

“Whydidn’tyoutellmethen?”heasksashestepsback,takinghiswarmthwithhim.

“Ididn’twantittochangeus,”Iwhisperagain,lookingdownatthetiledfloorofhisbathroom.

“HaveIevergivenyouthatidea?”heasks.Ifeltlikeahorriblepersonfornottellinghimfromthestart
aboutthemoney.Itwasstupidtohideit.

“No,”Isay,lookingupathim.Icantellthathe’shurt.

“You’reright.Ihaven’t,andIhavetosayI'mfuckingpissedthatyouwouldeventhinkforoneminute
thatmoneywouldchangehowIfeelaboutyou.”

“Iknowitwasstupid.Ijustwantedtomakesure.”HiseyesnarrowandIknowthatisthewrongthing
tosay.

“Makesureofwhat?ThatIwasn’twithyouforyourmoney?Jesus,whatthefuck?Idon’tunderstand
whatgoesoninthatheadofyourssometimes.”Thatkindofhurts,butIknowhe’sright.“I’venever
askedyoutopayforshit.Ineverwantyoutopayforshit.”

That’strue.AnytimeI’vetriedtopayforsomething,IwouldgetthelookthatpromisedIwouldn’tlike
whathappenedifIdidn’tputmymoneyaway.

“You’reright.Iknow.Ishouldhavetoldyou.”

“Youshouldhave.Iunderstandwhyyoudidn’t.Itdoesn’tmakemehappy,butIunderstand.”

“Thanks,”Isay,wrappingmyarmsaroundhiswaistandlayingmyheadonhischest.

“Justdon’tkeepshitfromme.Idon’tlikeknowingthatyouhavekeptthatsecretforoveramonth.”
Crap,Ineverthoughtaboutitlikethat.

“I'msorry,”Iwhisperintohischest,feelinglikeatotaldork.

“Whenyoumovein,we’lltalkaboutyourmoney.”

“What?”MyheadjerkedbacksoIcouldlookintohiseyes.

“Youheardme,andknowthatshitwillbesoon.Idon’tlikeyouhavingtotraveltoyourdad’severy
fewdaystogogetclothesandshit.”

“Asher,”Isay,glaringathimandputtingmyhandsonmyhipsforthefulleffect.“Youarenotgoingto
bossmeintomovinginwithyou.”

“Therewillbenobossing,baby.Youwanttomovein.Don’tyoulovefeedingmebreakfastinbed
everymorning?”heasksandIshiver.Everymorning,hehasmeforbreakfastbeforehegetsoutofbed,
andyes,Idolovefeedinghim.“Don’tyoulikelazingonthecouch,watchingmoviesatnight?”Idid
lovethat,orjustlyingonhimwhilehewatchesagame.“Don’tyoulovecookinginmykitchen?”Yes,I
lovedhiskitchen.Itwasmyfavoriteroominthehouse.Ilovedbakinginthere,orjustsittingatthe
counterwithmykindlereading.“Don’tyoulovemefuckingyouwheneveryouneedtobefucked?”
Um,yes!Ibitemylipandlookoverhisshoulder.

“ThosearejustafewofthereasonswhyIwon’thavetobossyoutomoveinwithme.”Hehadapoint.
Hewouldn’tneedtobossmeintoit.Itwasjusttoosoon.Maybeinafewmonths,butrightnow,Ilike
knowingthatIstillhavemydad’shousetoruntoifIneededit.

“Canwenottalkaboutthisrightnow?Ineedtogetreadytogotoyourparents’house.”

“Yeah,wecanwaittotalkaboutit,butwewillbetalkingaboutit.”

“Great.”Irollmyeyes.“Somethingtolookforwardto.”Hekissesmynoseandgivesmehisdimple
smilethenleavesmetowatchhimwalkaway.Ishakemyhead.He’ssuchajerkbutIlovehim.Wait,
what?Ilovehim?OhmyGod,Ilovehim.Ohno,Ilovehim.Crap!OhmyGod,doesheloveme?I
turntolookinthemirror.“Sowhat,youlovehim.Hedoesn’thavetoloveyouback,”Iwhisperto
myself.

“What,baby?”

“Shit!”IjumpandlookthroughthemirrortoseeAsherwatchingme.“Um,nothing.Ijust,um,burnt
myself.”

“Areyouokay?”heasks,smirking,andIwonderifheheardmeadmittomyselfthatIlovehim.

“Yeah,I'mfine,great,justfine.”Great,nowI'mblubberinglikeanidiot.Hetiltshisheadandsmiles.
Myheartstartsthumpingdoubletime.

“Uhhum.IthoughtIheardyousaysomething?”hesays,takingastepclosertome.

“Nope,notme.Ididn’tsayanything.MaybeyouheardtheTVorsomething.”Icrossmyarmsovermy
chest.

“TheTVsareoff.”

“Hmm,that’sstrange.Maybeyouhaveaghost,”Isay,tiltingmyhead.

“Thishouseisbuiltonanoldgraveyard,soIwouldn’tbesurprisedifthereareghosts.”

“What?”Iwhisper,inshock.Ihateghosts.NotthatI’vemetany,butIdon’tliketheideaofthem.I
watchedthefirstParanormalActivitymovieandgotsoscaredthatIhadtosleepwiththelightsonfora
month.Let’sjustsaymycollegeroommatewasnothappyaboutthat.“Wecan’tstayhere,”Iyell.“We

havetohireaghostbusterpersontocomegetridofit.Then,wehavetoblessthehouse,andifthe
ghostdoesn’tleave,weneedtomove.”IwaspantingandAsher’slipsweretwitching.“OhmyGod!
Thisisnotfunny.Wecouldendupdead,don’tyouknowthat?Haven’tyoueverseentheexorcist?”I
wasyelling.

Hethrewhisheadbacklaughing.“Baby,thereisnoghost.Iwaskidding.Thehouseisnotbuiltona
graveyard.”

Ismackhiminthearm.“That’snotfunny.Whywouldyousaysomethinglikethat?”

“Youwannaadmitwhatyousaidwhenyouwereinheretalkingtoyourself?”

“Iwasn’ttalkingtomyself,”Isnappedathim.“IwastalkingtoBeast.”I'magenius.Iforgotabout
Beast.He’stheperfectcoverup.

Hiseyesnarrowed.“So,whatwereyousayingtoBeastthen?”

“Nothing.JustthatIlovehimandhe’sagooddog,evenifhedoesn’tloveme.”

“Trustme,helovesyou.Eventhoughhethinksyou’rewhacked.”DoesthatmeanAsherlovesme?
Wait,whatthehell?

“I'mnotwhacked.”Igrowlathim.

“Doyouloveme,baby?”

“W…wh…what?”Istutterout,shakingmyhead.Then,heiscrowdingmeagainstthecounter.

“Don’tpissmeoff,baby.”Hegrowls.Ibitemyliptokeepmyselfquiet.Hiseyesdroptomymouthand
narrow.“Tellmethatyouloveme.”Istartshakingmyheadandheholdsmyfacebetweenhishands.
“TellmeyoulovemesoIcansayitback.”

“What?”Iwhisperinshock,searchinghisfacetomakesurehe’stellingthetruth.

“Tellme,baby.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat.“Sayit,baby.”Helayshisforeheadagainstmine.

Squeezingmyeyesclosed,Iwhisper,“Iloveyou.”Myheartfeelslikeitmightbeatoutofmychest.I
hearhissharpintakeofbreaththenhishandsfistintothehairatthesidesofmyhead.

“Openyoureyes.”Iswallowthenopenmyeyes.“Iloveyoutoo,baby.Jesus,I’velovedyousinceI
sawyourbeautifulfacestandingatthebarinyourdad’sclub.Iknewthenthatyouwereitforme.”

“Youwereajerk,”Iremindhim,smiling.

“Yeah.”Hesmirks.“IwaspissedthatIwasgonnahavetobeatupMike.”

“What?”Isaythroughmylaugh.

“Iwasgoingtohaveyouonewayoranother,”hesays,bitingmybottomlip.“Ifthatmeantbeatingup
Mike,Iwaswillingtodowhateverwasnecessarytostakemyclaim.”

“You’reserious?”Igiggleandshakemyheadindisbelief.

“You’reworthit,”hewhispers.Ifeelmynosestarttostingandatearslidedownmycheek.Histhumb
catchesit.Hekissesmesoftlyandlayshisforeheadbackagainstmine.“NowIwishIhadtimetoshow
youhowmuchIloveyou.ButifIdidthat,wewouldbelateandIdon’twanttopissMaoffon
ChristmasEve.”

Igottinglyandmynipplesgothard.Iwanthimtoshowmehowmuchhelovesme.Hekissesme
again,thistimealittledeeper,butnotenough.Whenhepullshismouthaway,Iwantmore.“Wecanbe
afewminuteslate.I’lltaketheblame,”IsaybreathlesslyasIscrapemynailsoverhisabs,watchinghis
eyesgrowdarkatmytouch.Ileanforwardandtouchmymouthtohischest,runningmytongueupto
hiscollarbone.OneofhishandsfistsinmyhairandtheotherpullsmeclosertohimsoI’montheedge
ofthecounter.Thehardlengthofhimispressedtomycenter.Hetakesmymouthinahard,deepkiss,
thenhismouthleavesmine,travelingdownmyneck.Iwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist,pullinghim
closer.Heputsmyarmsaroundhisshouldersthenpicksmeup,carryingmeoutofthebathroom.Ifly
throughtheairthenmybodyhitsthebedsohard,Ibouncetwice.Ihearmyhotrollershittingthe
hardwoodfloors.Thenmyshortsandpantiesareoff.Hishandstravelupmythighs,mylegsfalling
open.“Ilovethispussy,baby.Sopink,wet,andmine.”Hegrowlsthewordsagainstmyclit,making
mypulserace.Helicksmefromtoptobottom.“Jesus,sofuckingsweet,”hesays,lickingmeagain.
Thistime,histonguecirclesmyclit,notmakingcontact.Iwhimper.

“Hush,baby.”Helicksmeagain,pullingmyclitintohismouth.Myhipsshootoffthebedandmy
handsholdhisheadwhilemyheelspressintothemattress.Hegrowlsthenthrowsbothmylegsover
hisshouldersandliftingmyass.Hismouthiseatingmelikehe’sstarving.Myhipscircle,pressinghim
deeper.Iamclose,soclose.

“Asher.”Imoan.“Please.”Mybackbowsoffthebedandmyeyesshuttight.Myhandsfistthesheets
atmysides.Iamsearchingforit.Iamclose.Ifeelitstartthenhismouthisgone.Iwhimperandhe
slamsintome.

“Yes,”Iscream.

Asherlooksdownatme.“Givemeyourmouth,baby.”Myheadisrightedandhismouthisonmine.I
cantastethesaltysweetnessofmyselfinthekiss.Iwrapmylegsaroundhiships,runningmyhandsup
hisback,feelingthemusclescontractashe’spoundingintome.“I'mgoingtocome,”Isay,shovingmy
faceintohisneckandbitingdown.Mylimbsgotightaroundhim.“Notyet.Together,”hesays,lifting
myhipshigher.“Asher,”Icry.“Fuck!”heshouts,poundingharder.Myheadfliesback.“Sofucking
beautiful.”Hiswordsmakemehotter.Ibitemylip,tryingtokeepfromcomingwithouthim.Hishands
leavemyhipsandtraveldowntomybreast,pinchingmynipples.I'msocloseandtryinghardtohold
offmyorgasmthatIcantastebloodfromwhereI'mbitingmylip.

“Now.”Hiswordsarelikeatrigger.Igooff,feelingmyselfbreakintoamillionpieces.Twomore
stokesandhefollowsbehindme,hismouthfindingmineasheswallowsmyscream.Icanfeelmyself
convulsingaroundhim.Itightenmylimbs,holdinghimcloser.“Pleasedon’tleaveme.”Ibreathe,not
readytobeseparatedfromhim.“Never,baby,”hesays,andIknowthattheemotionbehindhiswords
meansmorethanjustrightnow.Hespendstimekissingmyjaw,neckandlips.Afterafewminutes,he
slidesoutandIfeelthelossofhimrightaway.

“Wehavetogetready,baby,”hewhispers,hislipsclosetomine.

Ipoutoutmybottomlip.“Idon’twanna.”

Hegrinsandbitesmylip.“Sorry.Mawouldkickmyassifwedidn’tshow.”

“Fine.”IcontinuepoutingthenIrealizethatmyhairisgoingtotakeforevertofix.Plus,Ihavetofind
alltherollersandclipsthatflewoutofmyhair.“Youruinedmyhair,soI’mnotlongertakingtheblame
forbeinglate.”

“Youloveme,baby?”

“Yes,”Iwhisper,meltingunderhim.

“Good,”hemumbles.Hekissesmynosethenslidesoffthebed,pullingmeupwithhim.“Youneedto
hurryyourassup,baby,don’twannapissMaoff,”hesays,smackingsaidass.

“Whatever,”Imumble,walkingintothebathroom.Myboyfriendishot,helovesme,andIjusthada
reallygreatorgasm.Evenhecan’tpissmeoffrightnow

********************

IlookuptoseeAsherwatchingme.I'msittingonthefloorwithhiscousin’sbabygirl,Emma,holding
herlittlehandsasshebouncesonmythighs.Sheissoperfect.Hercheeksarechubbyandherlittlelips
aresokissable.Holdinghermakesmewantababyofmyown.IwonderifAsherevenwantskids.He
wouldbeagreatdad.I’veseenhimwithhisfamily’skidsandtheylovehim.Ilookaway,notwanting
himtoreadmyface.Emmagigglesandgrabsmyhair,tryingtopullitintohermouth.

“No,sweetgirl.Youdon’twanttoeatthat.”Iuntanglemyhairfromherhandthentickleher,making
herlaughlouder.Thereisnothingbetterthanhearingababylaugh.Thereissomethingsopureand
beautifulaboutit.

“You’rereallygoodwithher.”Theroughvoicestartlesme,andIlookuptoseeaguyI’venevermet
beforestandingoverme.

“Um,thanks,”Isay,wonderingwhoheis.He’saboutastallasAsherbutmorebulky.Hisblackhairis
alittlelong,butitworksforhim,wispingoutaroundhisfaceinamessyIdon’tgiveacrapkindof
way.Histanskinmakesthegoldencolorofhiseyesstandoutmore.Hehasfulllipsandafewdays’
worthofstubbleonhisjawthatisangledperfectly.He’snotdresseduplikemostofthepeoplehere.He
hasonapairoflightjeansandaplaidshirt.IlookawayfromhimandbackdowntoEmma,whois
staringupatthisguy,completelyfascinatedbyhim.Idon’tblameher.Heisverygood-looking.Buthe
alsohasavibeabouthimthatseemsalmostdangerous.

“Kenton,”theguysays.

“Sorry?”Isay,lookingbackupathim.

“Name’sKenton.”

“Oh,nicetomeetyou.I'mNovember.”

“Prettyname.Neverseenyoubefore.”

“I'm—”

“She’smine,”Ashersays,walkingup,holdingabeer.

“Shit,man.Ididn’tknowyouwerehere.Howareyou?”TheydoamanhugandIstand,bringing
Emmawithme.WhenIgettomyfeet,Asherpullsmetohim,tuckingmeunderhisarm.

“I'mgood.MawouldhavemyballsifItriedtoskipoutonChristmasEve.”

“True.”Kentonchuckles,lookingbetweenmeandAsher.“So,thisisyourgirl?”heasksindisbelief
andIgiggle.EveryoneisalwayssosurprisedthatAsherhasagirlfriend.

Asherlooksdownatmeandsmiles.Then,hekissesthetopofmyhead.“Yeah,she’smine.”

“Doyouknowhowmanyheartsarebreaking?”heasks,lookingatme.

“Trustme,Iknow.”Irollmyeyesathim.Ihavebecomepublicenemynumberonearoundhere.You
wouldthinkIwenttothehomesofallthesechicksandpersonallystoletheirmosttreasured
possessions.

“So,whatareyoudoingintown?Lasttimewespoke,youwereheadingouttoMexicoonacase?”
Asherasks.

“Igotbackyesterday.Thetrailwentcold.IcamehomeforChristmasandtoseeifIcanfindanynew
leads.IfIcan’tfindanything,I’llleaveagainafterthenewyear.”

“Ineedyourhelpwithsomethingwhileyou’reintown.I’llsetupatimethisnextweekwhenwecan
meetup.”

“Iseverythingokay?IsitJoan?”Kentonasks.AtthenameJoan,Asher’sarmtightens.Ilookupand
seethathisjawislocked,andIwonderwhoJoanis.ButbeforeIcanask,Emmastartscrying.

“Um…I'mgoingtofindhermom,”Isay,lookingupatAsher.

“Sure,baby.Comebacktomewhenyou’redone.”

“Okay,”Iwhisperashekissesmytemple.

“Itwasnicemeetingyou,Kenton,”Isay,smiling.

He’slookingatmecloselyandshakeshishead,smiling,thensays,“Yeah,youtoo.I’llseeyouaround,
I'msure.”

“Yeah,”Imumble,feelinguncomfortableandwonderingwhoJoanisandwhythatnamewouldmake
Asherupset.IfindEmma’smomandwetalkforafewminutesandexchangenumbers.Shelivesa
coupletownsoverandisaroundmyage.Ilikeherrightawayandwouldlovetospendmoretimewith
Emma.IwalkbackthroughthecrowdandseeAsherstilltalkingtoKenton.Itlooksserious,soImake
mywaytothekitchentofindSusan.

“Hey,doyouneedanyhelp?”IaskSusanafterIfindherinthepantry.She’sstandingonaladderandit
lookslikeitmightfallover.

“Oh,thankGod.”Sheturns,lookingdownatme.“Ineedhelpgettingsomeplattersmadeupandset
out.Areyourdadandgrandmahereyet?”sheasks,goingbacktolookingontheshelf.

“Notyet.Hesaidtheywererunninglatebutthey’dbeheresoon.”

“Good.Here,grabthese.”Shehandsmethreetrays.“Youcanhelpmeuntiltheyshowup.”Shesmiles,
steppingdownfromtheladder.Wewalkintothekitchen.Theirkitchenisagalleystyle.It’slongand
updated,butclosedofffromtherestofthehousesoyoucan’tseeanyoneunlesstheywalkintoit.

“CanIaskyouaquestion?”Iask,settingthetraysdownonthecounter.

“Sure,youknowyoudon’tevenhavetoask.I'malwayshereanytimeyouneedme.”

“Thanks,”Isay.Myvoiceiscloggedfromthelumpinmythroat.“Um,whoisJoan?”Herfacefreezes
andI'mnotsurewhatthatmeans.

“ShewasAsher’swife.”Well,crap.That’snotwhatIexpectedatall.

“Oh,”Iwhisper,havingnothingelsetosay.

“Whydoyouask?”

“Oh,um,Kentonmentionedher,”Isay,cuttingwedgesofcheeseandplacingthemontheplatter.Susan
comestostandnexttome,movingmyhairoffmyshoulder.Ilookoveratherandshesmiles.

“Youhavenothingtoworryabout.”

“Okay.”IsmileandIknowthatitdoesn’treachmyeyes,butI'mprayingthatshedoesn’tsayanything
else.Ireallydon’twanttocry.

“TalktoAsheraboutitifit’sbotheringyou.”

“Iwill,”Ipromiseher,knowingthatit’stimewetalkabouthisex-wifeandwhyhegotdivorced.It’s
completelyirrationalthatitbothersme,knowingthathelovesme,butpartofmewisheshedidn’thave
apast.Well,atleastonethathewasmarriedin.Stupid,Iknow.Iwasengaged,butIlovehimmorethan
Ieverthoughtpossible.AndnowthatIfeelthiskindoflove,IrealizethatIdidn’tlovemyex.Hewasa
crutch.IwantedhimsothatIcouldstartalifeonmyown,onewheremymotherdidn’thaveany
control.I'mgladthatitdidn’tworkout.I'mnotgladthathesleptwithmymom,butourrelationship
wouldn’thavebeenfairtohiminthelongrun.

“Hey,babygirl.”Iturnandseemydadwalkingintothekitchen,mygrandmafollowingclosebehind
him.

“Daddy.”Itaketwostepsandhisarmsarearoundme.Hetiltsmyfacebackwithhishandsonmy
cheeks.

“Areyouokay?Youlooksad.”

“I'mfine.JusthelpingSusan.”Ismile.Idon’twanthimworriedaboutme.Hiseyesnarrow,butbefore
hecanquestionme,Asherwalksintothekitchen.

“Mike.”Hepatsmydadontheback.Helooksatmeandhiseyesnarrow.“What’swrong?”

“Nothing.I'mjusthappy.”Irollmyeyes.

“Youdon’tlookfuckinghappy.Youlooksad.”

“Geez,dideitherofyoustoptothinkthatIhaven’thadthisbefore,andI'mjustsadthatImissedouton
itforsolong?”

“Shit,”Ashermumbles,rubbinghishandsdownhisface.Mydad’seyesturnangry.Onceagain,Iput
myfootinmymouth.

“Whatdidyoudoonholidays?”Dadasks.Crap,crap,crap.Meandmydamnfoot.WhenwillIlearnto
keepitoutofmymouth?

“Iwenttoafriend’s.Canwepleasenottalkaboutthisandjustenjoytonight?”Iasksoftly.

Mydadtakesadeepbreathwhilepullingmyheadtochest,kissingmyhair.Iliftmyheadandsmileat
himandseemygrandmaandSusanwatchingmeclosely.

“I'mgoingtohelpSusanfinishtheseplatters,”Isay,pullingawayfrommydadandsteppinginfrontof
theplatterIwasmaking.

“Okay,babygirl.I'mgoingtogogetadrink.Wecanvisitwhenyou’redone.”Crisisaverted.Yay!

Smiling,Ilookoverathim.“I’llfindyou,”Mydadsmilesthenandsauntersoutofthekitchen.IfIhad
onewish,itwouldbeformydadtofindagoodwomantolove.Hedeserveshappinessmorethan
anyoneIknow.Plus,mydadisgood-looking.Itconfusesmethathehasn’thadarelationshipsincemy
mom.

“Yousureyou’reokay,baby?”Asherasks,pullingmybacktohisfront.

“I'mfine,”Isay,leaningagainsthim.

“I'mgonnafinishtalkingtoKenton.Igotworriedthatsomeoneelsewastryingtostealyouawaywhen
youdidn’tcomebacktome.”

“Gotalktohim.I'mokayinhere.Whenweredone,I’llfindyou,”Isay,butIwantedtoaskrightthen
whyhedivorcedJoanandwhyKentonwouldaskifheneededtotalkabouther.Butwewouldhave
plentyoftimelatertotalkabouther,anditwasChristmasEve.Ireallydidn’twanthimtobeupset.

“Okay,loveyou,”hesaysagainstmyearandgoosebumpsspreadacrossmyskin.Hesqueezesmethen
IfeelhispresenceleavethekitchenbeforeIcantellhimthatIlovehimtoo.

“Nicesave,”Susansays,makingmejump.

“Um,”Imumbled,andshestartedlaughing.

“JustpromisethatyouwilltalktohimaboutJoan.Iknowthathishistorywithherisbotheringyou.”

“Promise,”Isay,smiling.

“Who’sJoan?”Crap!Ofcourse,Iforgotthatmygrandmotherishere.She’slikeadamnninja.She’s
constantlysneakinguponyouwhenyouleastexpectit,orsheissoquietthatyouforgetshe’sthereand
saycrapthatisn’tmeanttobeheardbyher.

“Asher’sex-wife,”Susanshares,andIwatchmygrandma’seyespopoutofherhead.

“Well,shit.That’snotwhatIthoughtyouweregoingtosay.”

“Grandma,”Iscoldher.Shehasthemouthofasailor.

“Don’ttakethattonewithme.I’veheardyoupullupinthatcarofyourswiththatmusicyoulistento,
talkingaboutbitchesthisandbitchesthat.AndIknowthatyourmancussesmoreinonesentencethanI
doinaday.”

Well,shehadmethere.Rapmusicdidtendtousethewordbitchalittletoooften,andAshercould
curseevenwhentherewasnothingtocurseabout.

“Pointtaken,”Imumble.

“Whywouldyoubeupsetthathehadalifebeforeyou?Ihatetoremindyou,butyouwereengaged.”

“Youwereengaged?”Susangasps.Geez,thisdaystartedoutsoperfectly,andeverytimeIturnaround,
someoneistalkingaboutsomethingthatIdon’twanttotalkabout.

“Iwas,andthenIfoundoutthattheguywasatotaljerkandbrokeitoff.”Ilookoveratmygrandma.
“I'mnotupset.Ijustwanttounderstandwhytheysplitup.”Grandmanoddedherheadin
understanding.

“Whatdidhedo?Imean,whydidyoucalloffyourengagement?”Susanasks.

“Hecheated,”Isayandhearmygrandmotherinhale.InevertoldmyfatherwhyIcalledoffthe
engagement,sohewasneverabletotellher,andsinceI’vebeenhome,shehasneverasked.

Besidestheideaoftellingthemthathecheatedonmewithmymomdidn’tsoundlikeaconversationI
wantedtohave.

“Well,Ithinkthatyoushouldtalktohimaboutit,”mygrandmothersayslikeshejustsolvedallofmy
problemsandIsmile,shakingmyhead.

“I'mgoingtotalktohim,justnotonChristmasEve.Weshouldbehavingagoodtimevisitingwith
friendsandfamily.”

“Suchasmartgirl,”shesays,pinchingmycheeklikeI'mfive.

“Thanks.”Ismile.

“Okay,letmeandyourgrandmafinishtheseandyougovisitwitheveryone,”Susansays,takingthe

knifeandcheeseawayfromme.

***************************

“Doyoulikeit?”Asherwhisperedintomyear.ItwasChristmasmorning.Bothourfamilieswereover
andmostwerestillwearingpajamas.Somehow,everyonedecidedwhiletheyweredrunkthatwe
shouldallhavebreakfastandopengiftsatAsher’shouse.

Makingearlymorningplanswhiledrinkingisnotsmart.Imadethecoffeeextrastrongandputout
aspirinasanappetizerbeforebreakfast.Thefirstpersonshowedupateight.Asherkissedmeandgot
outofbed.Ihidunderthecovers,hopingthateveryonewouldforgetIwaseveninthehouse.Thisonly
lastedaboutfiveminutes.Ashercamebackintotheroomanddraggedmeacrossthebedthentriedto
standmeup,butIwasplayingdeadandslumpedintohim,notevenopeningmyeyes.

“Baby,wegottamakebreakfast.”Helaughed.

“No,allIwantforChristmasistosleep,”Isaid,tryingtocuddleintohischest.

“Youcansleeplater,”hesaidwhilerubbingmyback,butthatwasmakingmesleepier.

“I’llbeyourbestestfriendeverifyouletmesleep.”Hestartedlaughingharder.

“AsmuchasIwantyoutobemybestfriend,Ineedhelpmakingbreakfastforeveryone.I'mprettysure
thatlastnightyouwerejumpingupanddownwhileclapping,sayinghowmuchfunifwasgoingtobe
toopengiftswitheveryonethismorning.”Crap,Ididdothat,butthatwasalsoafterhavingfourcups
ofeggnog,soIcan’tbeheldaccountableformyactions.

“Iwasdrunk.Itdoesn’tcount.”

“Hmm,soallthedirtythingsyousaidyouwantedmetodotoyoulastnightdon’tcount,”hesaid,andI
shovedmyfacedeeperintohischest,hopingtoblockhimout.Idonotwanttoeventhinkaboutwhata
drunkmewouldsaytoAsher.

“Don’tworry,baby.TonightI’ll—”

Icuthimoff.Ididn’twanttoknowwhatdrunkmesaid.“I'mawake,”Iblurtedout.Irantothe
bathroomandslammedthedoorbeforehecouldsayanythingelse.

ImadebakedFrenchtoastandbacon.AshermadescrambledeggsthatIswearcouldwinawards.He
useswholecreamandcheddarcheese.Theymeltinyourmouthandeachbiteislikeheaven.Afterwe
allate,everyonewasgatheredaroundthetree.Asherpulledmeintohislapsowecouldopengifts.

IhadahardtimefindinghimsomethingforChristmas,butsincehewasalwaysonhisphoneatthejob
site,goingthroughemailsandputtingtogetherorders,Idecidedtogethimanipadmini.Thatway,he
couldhaveabiggerscreenandwouldn’tbegoingblindfromlookingatthesmallscreenonhisphone.
Plus,Igothimacasethathasabuiltinkeyboard,hopingthatitwouldmakehislifeeasierwhen
sendingemailandplacingorders.IalsogothimafewshirtsandaNewYorkYankeesbaseballhat,not
thathelovedtheYankees,butIlovedhiminhatsandI'maNewYorker,soitwasnecessary.

Aftereveryonefinishedopeninggifts,ittookmeaminutetorealizethatAsherdidn’tgetmeanything.I
triednottoletthishurtmyfeelingsbutitdid.Helovedtheipadandwasstillplayingwithitaspeople
startedleavingthelivingroom.

“I'mgoingtogocleanupbreakfast,”ImumbledtomyselfsinceAsherhadn’ttakenhiseyesoffhisnew
toysinceheopenedit.IpulledmyselfupfromwhereIwassittingbetweenhisspreadlegs.

“Canyouthrowthatshitintheclosetforme,baby?”heasked,notlookingupfromthestupidipad.I
wasstartingtowonderifitwaswaterresistant.

“Sure,”Igrumbled.IpickedupthestuffthatIgothim,alongwiththegiftsthatIgotfromourfamilies,
totakebacktothebedroom.Isetmystuffonthebedthencarriedhiscraptothecloset.Idebatedjust
throwingitinthere,butIdidn’twanttomessitup.

AfterabouttwoweeksofmebeingatAsher’shouse,Icleanedouthiscloset,putallofhislaundry
away,foldedhisT-shirtsandhunganythingthatneededtobehung.Ialsoorganizedallofhisshoes.I
lovedhiscloset.Iturnedonthelightwithouteventhinking.IsethisnewshirtsonhisshelfwhenI
noticedmymetalframedmannequininthecorner.Ididadoubletakethensawahugedressingtablein
themiddleoftheroomwithallmyoddsandendsonit,includingacooljewelrystandandastanding
mirrorwithswirlylegsthatlookedawesome.

Lookingaround,Inoticedallmyclothesandshoeswereinhisclosetandtherewasaverycoolchaise
loungechairinthecornerwithasmallgiftboxsittingontopofit.MyhandsstartedshakingandI
lookedaround,realizingthatthiswasmyChristmasgiftanditwasthemostawesomegiftthathecould
haveevergivenme.

“Doyoulikeit?”Iheardhimwhisperashisarmscircledmywaist,pullingmebackagainsthim.

Icouldn’ttalk.AllIcoulddowasnodmyhead.Iwasspeechless.WhenIfoundmyvoice,Iaskedhim,
“Whendidyoudothis?Howdidyoudothis?”

“Myguysgothereafewminutesafterweleftyesterday.Theyputupthenewshelves,broughtinthe
dressingislandandthechair.Yourdadandgrandmabroughtoverallyourstuffandsetitupbefore
headingtoMa’sforthepartylastnight.”

“Iloveit,”Iwhispered.Itwasperfect.Adreamcloset.“Didyoupickoutthejewelrystandandmirror?”

Ifelthissilentlaughteragainstmyback.“Lizpickedthemoutforyou.WhenItoldherwhatIwas
doing,shetalkedmyearoffaboutclosetsthewholetimeIwasinherstore.Iwilltellyou,Idon’tknow
whatitiswithwomenandclosets,butifthestomachisthewaytoaman’sheart,aclosetisthewaytoa
woman’s.”

Ismiledandmelteddeeperintohim.Lizhadbecomeagreatfriendandwasslowlybecomingmore
openwithus.ExceptwhenTrevorwasaround,butIthinkthat’sbecausehe’salwaysgrowlingather.
Whensheignoreshim,itpisseshimoff.Whenshetalkstohim,itpisseshimoff,butwhenanotherguy
triestotalktoher,thatpisseshimoffevenmore.Henormallyendsupstormingoff,leavingLizlooking
completelybaffledandmelaughingtomyself.Withthewayhelookedather,Iknewhewasseriously
intoher.Itwaslikewatchingaromanceinthemaking,justwaitingtoseewho’sgoingtobreakfirst.

“Ilovethiscloset.IlovedthisclosetbeforeIevenreallylikedyou,”Itoldhim
truthfully.

Helaughed,turningmeinhisarms.“Nowyouloveme.”

“Maybe,ormaybeI'musingyouforyourcloset.Didyoueverthinkofthat?”Iasked,smirkingupat
him.Hepickedmeupsuddenly,makingmesqueal.ThenIwasonthechaiseloungewithhimlyingon
topofme.“Whatareyoudoing?”Ibreathedashishandfoundmybreastandtheotherwenttotheback
ofmythigh.

“I'mgoingtoprovethatyou’renotusingmeforthecloset,”hesays,hisfingerstracingthebackofmy
thighandaroundthefrontofmysleepshorts,andunderneaththeedge.Thenheslowlytracedmyseam
withhisfinger.Myhipsliftedautomatically,tryingtogetmorecontact.

“Peoplearehere.”Imoaned.

“Thenyoubetterbequiet,baby,”hewhisperedintomyear,hisfingersrunningovermyclit,circling
twicethendippingdown,fillingme.Ibitdownonhisshoulder,onehandgoingunderhisshirttohis
backandtheothertohisbicep,holdingon.“You’resowet.Jesus,IwishIcouldtasteyourightnow.”

“Please,”Ibegged,myfacecomingoutofhisneck.Ilovehismouth.Iwantedhismouthonme.

“Mygreedygirl.YouknowIloveyourpussy,baby,butIcan’t.TheminuteIgetmymouthonyou,I’m
goingtowanttofuckyouandIcan’tdothatknowingyourdad’sinthenextroom.”

Iwhimpered.Hiswordswereturningmeonevenmore.Hisfingersslidslowlyinandoutthenhis
thumbmovedovermyclitandIfeltmyselfbegintofallapart,hismouthcatchingmymoan.Ipulled
himcloser,wrappingmyselftighteraroundhim.MyeyesweresqueezedshutandIcouldstillfeel
myselfspasmingaroundhisfingers.

“OhmyGod,”Iwhispered,openingmyeyes.IwatchedinfascinationasAsherbroughthisfingersto
hismouthandlickedthemclean.Thatcausedanotherspasm.Thenhismouthwasonmine,kissingme
deepandwet.Whenhepulledhismouthaway,wewerebothtryingtocatchourbreath.“MaybeI'm
usingyouforamazingorgasms,”Isaidquietly.

“Yeah,maybe.”Hechuckledandkissedmynose.Ifeltmyfacegosoft.

“No,I'mdefinitelyinlovewithyou.”Iwhisperedmyconfession.Itstillamazedmethatthisguy,who
seemedsorougharoundtheedges,wasalwayssoftwithme.

“Iloveyou,baby.”

“Iloveyoutoo.”TearsstungmynoseandItookadeepbreath.

Asherpickedupthewrappedboxonthechairandhandedittome.“What’sthis?”Iasked.

“Yourothergift.”HesmiledhiscockygrinandIcouldn’thelpbuttorollmyeyes.Islowlyunwrapped
thesilverpaperandliftedthelidonthesmalljewelrybox.Myheartfeltlikeitwasgoingtojumpoutof
mychestwiththeanticipation.

“Wow,”Iwhispered,staringdownatthemostbeautifulnecklaceIhadeverseen.Twosilverhearts
intertwined,becomingone,similartoaneternitysymbol.Itookitoutoftheboxandhelditinmyhand,
notsureifheevenknewthesignificanceofthedesign.“It’sbeautiful,”Isaid,stillwhispering.Ilooked
upandhewaswatchingmeclosely.

“Willyouputitonme?”Iasked,handingittohim.MyhairwasalreadyupsoIturnedmybacktohim
andheplacedthenecklacearoundmyneckthenclaspedit.Ifelthislipsonthebackofmyneck.My
handwenttotheheartsandIpulleditawayfrommychest,lookingdownatit.Hepulledmearoundto
facehimagain.

“Beautiful,”hesaidandIstartedcrying.HepulledmeintohislapandIshovedmyfaceintohisneck,
absorbinghissmell.“Baby,whyareyoucrying?”That’sagoodquestion.IhadnoideawhyIwas
crying.Ijustfeltreallyemotional.

“I'msorry.”Isniffled,wipingmyfaceonhisshirt.

“Didyoujustwipeyoursnotonme?”

Istartedgiggling.“No,justtears.Ipromise.”

“Uhhum,”hemumbledandkissedthetopofmyhead.Ipulledmyfaceawayfromhischestandlooked
intohisbeautifuleyes.I’msolucky.“So,nowthatyouhaveyourstuffhere,baby,youknowthatmeans
you’reofficiallymovedin,right?”

I'mincompleteshock.Hetotallytrickedmeintomovingin.Actually,cometothinkofit,hetrickedmy
dad.Hegothiswaywithouthavingtofightwithmeaboutit.Ilovedstayingthere,butIlikedhavinga
backupplan.

“OhmyGod.Youbossedmeandgotyourway,andIdidn’tevennoticeyouweredoingit.”

“Ididn’tbossyou,baby.Itoldyouthatyouwouldwanttolivewithme.”Hewasright,asmadasit
mademe.Iwantedtobethereasbadlyashewantedmeto.

“Youdon’tthinkthisistoosoon?”Imumbled,shakingmyhead.

“Fuck,no.”

Okay.Hewassureaboutthis.Me,ontheotherhand,Iwasnotsosure.“Idon’twantthistogobad
becausewe’resonew.Ifeellikethisismovingsofast.I'mworriedthatit’sjustbecauseit’snewtoyou
andyoudon’treallyknowwhatyou’reasking.Likeyou’regoingtoloseinterestsoonerorlaterandI’ll
beheartbroken,andstuckmovingoutofahousethatIlovewhenIknewitwastoosoontomoveintoit
inthefirstplace.”

Hishandsmovedtomyneck,histhumbswereundermyjaw,tiltingmyheadbacksohehadfulleye
contact.“You’repissingmeoff.”Eeek!Helookedpissed.Crap.“I'magrownman.IknowwhatIwant
outoflife.IknowwhoIwantinmylife.You’renotinmyhead,youdon’tknowhowIfeel,sostop
tryingtomakechoicesforme,”hesays,shakingmyheadgently.“I'mtryingtoslowdownforyou.For
me,goingfastwouldbeyouwearingaringinsteadofanecklace.Trustme,I'mtakingitslow,asslow
asIcan.”

Forsomereason,Iknewthathewastellingthetruth.Thethingthathedidn’tknowwasthat,ifheasked
metomarryhim,Iwouldsayyes,noquestionsasked.FromthemomentIsawhim,Iwantedhim.
Granted,Ithoughthewasabigjerkafterhespoke,butIstillwantedhim.Whenmyapartmentwas
brokenintoandhewastherewithme,takingcareofmeandmakingsureIwassafe,Iknewthenhe
wasreallyagoodman.Thenthewayhetalkstomeandlooksatme,well,thatsealedthedeal.

“Iloveyou.You’reitforme.IknewfromthemomentImetyouthatIwasdonefor.Ilikehavingyou
hereandIdon’tseethatchanging,unlessyoudon’tfeelthesameasIdo?Thenyouneedtotellmethat
soIcanconvinceyouthatyoudo,”hesays,smirkingatme.Iwonderedifhefeltthesameabouthisex.
Didheloveher?

“Didyouloveyourex-wife?”Iblurtedout,feelinghisbodystiffenunderme.“Nevermind,I'msorry.I
shouldn’thaveaskedyouthat.”Itriedtoescapeoffhislap.

Hiseyesnarrowedandhetookadeepbreath.“Youcanalwaysaskmeanything,”hesays,pullingme
deeperintohimandpressingmyheadintohiswarmchest.“Ineverlovedher.IthoughtIwasdoingthe
rightthing.WehadbeensleepingtogetherforaboutayearandIknewthatIdidn’twantanything
seriouswithher.Shealwayshintedatmore,butIknewshewasn’ttheone.Ididcareabouther,butI
wasn’tinlovewithher.IhadbeengoneforamonthandwhenIgotback,shewaswaitingforme
outsidemyapartment.Shetoldmeshewaspregnantandthatitwasmine.IknewthatIhadtodothe
rightthing.IneverwantedmykidtogrowupinahousewhereIdidn’thaveaccesstohimorher
twenty-fourseven,soIdidwhatIthoughtwasrightatthetime.Itoldherthatitwouldworkoutandwe
wouldgetmarried.Thatway,shewouldhaveinsuranceforallthemedicalbills,andIwouldhavefull
accesstomychild,andmaybeIwouldgrowtoloveher.Sheclaimedtobearoundthreemonths.When
Iwasleavingtogooutwithmysquad,Iwasgonefortwoweeks,giveortake.Wehadbeenmarriedfor
amonthandshemovedinrightaway.WhenIcamebackfromanassignment,afriendofminestopped
mebeforeIcouldgohome.Hetoldmethatshehadsleptwithhimandthathewassorry.Iwenthome
andconfrontedheraboutwhatshehaddone.Shedidn’tdenyit.Shesaidshewastryingtogetme
jealoustomakemerealizethatIlovedher.Itdidn’twork.Ikickedheroutandtoldherthatmylawyer
wouldbeintouch.Acoupledayslater,shecamebyandtoldmethatshehadlostthebaby.Iaskedfor
proofandshenevershowedmeany.Tothisday,shetriestocontactmeeveryonceinawhile.Idon’t
takehercalls,butshehasbeenknowntoshowupoutoftheblue.Kentonknowsaboutheraftershe
claimedtohavelostthebaby,hedidsomediggingforme.Hefoundoutthatsheneverwenttothe
doctorforanykindoftreatmentduringthetimesheclaimedtobepregnant.IguessshethoughtIwould
knockherupafterwegotmarriedandIwouldneverbethewiser.Shedidn’tcountonmestaying
wrappedupevenaftersheclaimedtobepregnantandIhadaringonherfinger.Somethingintheback
ofmyheaddidn’tfeelright.IneverfuckedherwithoutprotectionandI'mthankfultothisdaythatI
listenedtomygut.”

Icouldn’tbelievethatsomeonewoulddothat.Claimingtobepregnantjusttomanipulatesomeoneelse
wasdisgusting.“I'msorrythatshedidthattoyou,”Iwhispered,runningmyfingersalongtheunderside
ofhisjaw.

“Iamtoo.”

“So,whatdoesshewantwhenshetracksyoudown?”

“Don’tknow.Idon’tgiveafuckandIdon’ttakehercalls.IwantnothingtodowithherIhaveKenton
keeptrackofherandwhatshe’supto.Somepeopleareunstableshe’soneofthem.Plusafewyears
agosheshowedupintownandstartedtakingshitIlostagoodfriendbecauseofher.”Well,Iwasno
longerworriedabouthowhefeltabouthisex.Ihatedherandwhatshedidtohim,andifIeversawher,
Imightbeatthecrapoutofher.

“I’msorrythatyouhadtogothroughthat.”

“Evenshitlikethatcanteachyouthebestlessons.”

“Whatlessondidyoulearn?”

“Let’sjustsaytheroadtohellispavedwithgoodintentions.”

Ismiledathim.“Goodlesson?”Myheadcameupwhenmyphonestartedringingfromthebedroom.“I
shouldgetthat.ItmightbeTia.”Ikissedhimandclimbedoffhislaptoanswerit.BeingChristmas,I
knewthatIcouldexpectafewphonecallsfrommyfriendsinNewYork.WhenIfinallygottomy
phone,ithadstoppedringingsoIflippeditopentoseewhothecallwasfrom.ItwasaNewYork
numberthatIdidn’trecognize,butthepersonleftavoicemail.Iputmyphonetomyeartolistenand
hadtofighttheurgetothrowitacrosstheroomwhenIheardmyex-fiancé’svoice.

“Hey,I…um,justwantedtowishyouaMerryChristmas.Iknowit’sbeenawhile,butIwantedtotell
youthatIloveyouandmissyou,November.IknowImessedup.”TherewasalongpauseandI
thoughthehungupthenIheardadeepbreath.“Ihopeyoucanforgiveme.Imissyou.Pleasecallme
back.”Myfacemusthavesaiditall.NextthingIknew,myphonewasoutofmyhandandAsherhadit
tohisear.Hetookitawayandlookedatit,andthenpressedabuttonandputitbacktohisear.Iknew
hewaslisteningtothevoicemailIjustheard.IwatchedinfascinationashisjawclenchedandIcould
hearmyphonecrackinginhishand.

“Easywithmyphone,Hulk.”HelookeddownatmeandIsmiled.Heignoredmygrin,tookthephone
awayfromhisearthenthrewitontothebed.Heusedhisotherhandtopulloutmyhairtieandthrew
thatbehindhim,andthenwrappedmyhairaroundhisfist.

“Youarenotcallingthatpieceofshitback.”

“I'mnotcallinghimback,”Irepeated.Ineverplannedonit.Actually,Iwantedtoknowhowhegotmy
numberandwhyhewascallingmeatall.TheonlythingIcouldthinkwasthathecalledmymomand
askedherformynumber.

“Whythefuckishecallingyou?”

“That’sagoodquestion,”Isaid,lookingoverhisshoulderandwonderingtheexactsamething.He
tuggedmyhairandIlookedbackathim.“Ihavenoidea.Ihaven’teventalkedtohimintwoyears.
AfterIfoundoutwhathedid,IchangedmynumberandavoidedhimliketheEbolavirus.”Iwatched
hiseyesgosoftandhislipstwitch.

“Whydidn’tyouavoidyourmom?”Itookabreathandtoldthetruth.

“Iwantedtoforgiveher.Iwantedamomwholovedme.IfeltlikeifIforgaveherforwhatshehad

done,maybeshecouldforgivemeforwhateveritwasthatIhaddonetomakeherhatemesomuch.”

“Youdidn’tdoanythingtoher.Shewasselfishanddoesn’tdeservetohaveadaughterthatisaskind
andforgivingasyou.”

“Idon’tknow,”Iwhispered.“Shehasalwayshatedme.Iwasnevergoodenough.Idon’tknowwhy
sheisthewaysheisbutitdoesn’tmeanthatIdon’tcraveherattentionorlove.It’snoteasygrowingup
havingyouronlycomfortprovidedbypeoplewhoarepaidtotakecareofyou.AllIwantedmywhole
lifewastofeelwanted.UntilImetmydadwhenIturnedeighteen,IneverfeltlikeIbelongedto
anyone.”

“Youbelongnow.Notonlydoyoubelongtoyourdadandhisfamily,youbelongtomeandmine.And
oneday,youwillbelongtoourkids.”

“Kids?”Iasked,shocked.

“Kids.Itoldyou,I'mgoingslowforyou.Butyou’regoingtobemywife,andassoonaswesignthe
marriagelicense,I'mworkingongettingyouknockedup.”

Irollmyeyesathim.“Youhavethisallplanned,huh?”

“Fuck,yeah.”Hesmiles.Ismileback.Hishappinessiscontagious.“Ican’twaittoseeyouwaddling
around,knowingthatIgotyouthatway.”Myeyesnarrow.Hesmiles.“Thatyouaremylife,andthat
you’recarryingalifethatwecreatedinsideofyou.”Ifeltfaint.EventhoughhesaidIwouldwaddle,
andnowomanwantstoeverhearthattheywaddleoraregoingtowaddle,itwasstillthemostbeautiful
thinganyonehadeversaidtome.

“Howmanykidsdoyouhaveinmind?”Iaskedsoftly,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck.Hishands
slidtomywaistandundermyshirt.Histhumbsrunningalongmysides,causinggoosebumpstobreak
out.

“Twoboysandthreegirls.Theboysneedtocomefirstsotheycanprotecttheirsisters,especiallyif
theylooklikeyou.”

“Whathappensifwehaveagirlfirst?”

“ThenI'mgoingtobuyafewmoreguns.”

Istartedgiggling.“Youdoknowhowhotyouare,right?Imean,ifwehaveboys,I'mgoingtohaveto
buystockinTrojanjusttomakesurethattheyarealwaysprotected.Eitherthat,orinvestmymoney
intoamedicalcompanysothattheycaninventmen’sbirthcontrol.”Hestartedshakinghishead,
chuckling.

“Ilikethatyoukeepsayingwe,”hesaidsoftly,hiseyeswarm.“NowIknowyouseeafuturewithme.”
HesmiledhiscockysmileandIlaughed.

“Youknow,you’reverybossyandcompletelycocky.”Hislipstwitched,butwhathedidn’tdowas
disagreewithme.Ihadtoadmit,itwasatotalturnonthathewassosureaboutus.Itputmymindat
ease.Ididn’tworrythatIwasthinkingthingsweremoreseriousthanhethoughttheywere.Hekissed

mynosethenmylipssoftly.

“I'mgoingtoseeifManeedshelp.I’llmakesurethateveryoneisgoingtobereadytogotoyourdad’s
soon.”

“Thanks.”Istoodonmytiptoesandkissedhimquicklythenwalkedintothebathroomandshutthe
door.IlistenedtoAsherleavethebedroom.OnceIknewthecoastwasclear,Ipulledatoweldown
fromtheshelf,shovedmyfaceintoit,andscreamedatthetopofmylungswhilejumpingupanddown.
Icouldn’tbelievethatIwasgettingeverythingthatIhadeverwanted.Ihadamanthatlovedme,a
greatjob,andagiantfamily.IknewthatIwaslucky.

IrememberspendingChristmasinNewYork,watchingtheMacy’sparadethengoingtoTia’sfamily’s
housefortheday.Iftheyweren’taround,Iwouldmakedinnerformyselfandcampoutinbedwitha
goodbookwhilemymomwaswithherfriendsorwhateverguyshewasseeingatthetime.NowIhad
friendsandfamilywhowouldalwaysbearoundtospendholidayswith.

Chapter8

ThedoorbellisringingandBeast’sbarkingwokemesuddenly.Irolltotheclockandseethatit’sjust
afterteninthemorning.Ican’tthinkofanyonewhowouldbeherethisearly,unlessit’sthepostman
andhe’sdroppingoffapackage.

IcrawloutofbedandfindAsher’sshirtthathetookofflastnight.Islipitovermyheadandfindmy
sleepshortslyingonthefloor.Ipullthemupquickly,noticingthatthey’regettingalottighter.I'mstill
halfasleepbecauseIgothomelateyesterday.

IhadbeenoutonanotheralldayshoppingadventurewithSusan.Thistripwasmuchbetterthanthe
last,onlybecauseIneededtogetstuffforanEasteregghuntthatIwasgoingtobeputtingonatthe
nursinghome.Hearingkidslaughingandhavingagoodtimemakesmehappy,soIwantparentsto
bringtheirkidsandletthemgointothepatients’roomsandgetaneggandsomecandy.

WithAshergoneonjobsitesmoreoften,Iamstartingtofeelbored.IworkformydadandLiz,plusI
tookonafewothersmallclientsintown.ButevenwiththeextraworkIamdoing,Istillhaveplentyof
freetime.

First,Istartedgoingtothegym.IwasworkingoutsomuchthatIhaddefinitionwhereIneverthoughtI
wouldandIwaslosingtonsofweight.Then,onedayAsherlookedatmeandactuallycomplained.

“Babe,Ilovedyourbody.Ilovedhavingsomethingtograbonto.Ilovedhowsoftyouwere.Iknow
thatyouwanttobehealthy,butImissthesoftness.”

Hisvoicewassoftandthelookinhiseyessaidthathelovedmenomatterwhat,butthathemissedthe
wayIlooked.AndIdon’tknowanywomanwhowouldnotwanttheirmantotellhimthatthey
shouldn’tloseweight.Ireallydidn’tcare.Iwasn’tworkingouttoloseweight.Iwasdoingitoutof
boredom,butIwashappytohearthathelikedmybodythewayitwas.

Thatnight,Imayhavegoneaweebitoverboard.Ihadn’tbeenonadiet,butIhadbeenwatchingwhatI
waseating.So,thatnight,ImadehomemadechickenAlfredowithgarlicbreadandasparagus.For
dessert,Imadeapplecobblerwithvanillaice-cream.Thereweremorethanthreedays’worthofcalories
inthatmeal,butitwassoworthit.Inthemiddleofeating,Asherstartedlaughingatme.

“What?”

“Yousoundlikeyou’rereallyenjoyingyourfood,”hesaid,watchingmetakeabiteofapplecobbler.

“It’syummy.”

“Yeah,”hesaid,leaningovertogivemeaverysweetvanillaapplekiss.

Afterdinner,IwassprawledoutontopofAsher,himstillinsideofmehishandsrunningalongmy
back.OurbreathingreturnedtonormalandIbroachedthesubjectofmoney.“SinceI'mlivinghere

now,weshouldtalkabouthowwe’regoingtodividethebillsforthehouse.”

“You’remine.Itakecareofyou.Youuseyourmoneytobuyclothesorgroceriesforthehouse,unless
I'mwithyou.Then,I’llpay.Also,you’regoingtoneedanewridesoon.Thatthingyoucallacarisnot
safe.Therearetoomanydeeraroundhere.Ifonerunsinfrontofyou,yourcarwillbetotaled.IfI'm
lucky,Iwilljustbevisitingyouinthehospital.IfI'mnot,I’llbevisitingyouatthecemetery.Idon’t
wantthatshit,soweneedtogotothedealerthatIgotmyjeepfromandwecanpickyouout
something.”

Iliftedmyheadfromhischest,lookingdownathim.Therewereafewthingsthatpissedmeoff,soI
wasdecidingwhatpissedmeoffthemostbeforeIopenedmymouth.Iwassated,Ihadthreeorgasms
andIwasinachillmood,soIwastryingreallyhardnottoflipout.

Iwatchedhiseyesroamovermyface.“Thisisnon-negotiable.”

Myeyesnarrowedathiswordsandmytemperflared.“Really?SohowIspendmoneyandwhatcarI
driveisnon-negotiable?”Iasked,justtomakesurethatwewereonthesamepage.

“Yep,wemightaswellgetallthisshitoutoftheway,”hesaid,rollingsoIwasunderhim.Ifelthim
slideoutofmeandIcouldn’thelpthemewlsoundthatImadeatthelossofhim.Hekissedmynose
andbitmybottomlip.ThekissstartedtogetgoodwhenIpulledaway.

“Whatshit?”IaskedbeforehehadachancetoputmeinanAsherfog,whereIunknowinglyagreeto
everythinghesays.

“Youdon’tneedthemoneythatyourgrandparentsleftyou.Whenwehavekids,youcanputitina
collegeaccountforthem,butImakeenoughmoneytotakecareofyou,me,andanykidswehave.”

Itookadeepbreath,calmingmyselfbeforeIstartedtoyellatthetopofmylungs.“Iloveyou,butyou
arenotpayingmyway.Ihavetakencareofmyselfforalongtime.Weneedtocometoanagreement
thatwecanbothlivewith,”IsaidinatonethatwasalotcalmerthanIfelt.

“We'restartingalifetogether.Ifyounevergotthatmoney,wewouldstillbelivingthesamewaywedo
now.I'mnotsellingmylandorbuildinganewhousesomewhereelse.Thiswasmydream.Iknew
whenIbuiltthishousethatthewomanwhoIfellinlovewithwouldliveherewithme,andmykids
wouldgrowuphereonthisproperty.Idon’tneedmore.Ihaveagoodcar,toysinmygarage,and
moneyinthebank.IwasplanningforyoubeforeIevenknewwhoyouwere.Ineverwantedtobe
millionaire.Moneydoesshittopeople’sheads.Ilikeyourheadthewayitis.Wedon’tneedit.”Well,
hehadagoodpoint.Moneydidmesswithpeople.WewerehappyandIhadnevereventouchedthe
moneyfrommyinheritance.ButIknewthemoneycoulddosomegood.Iwantedaswimmingpool
badly.Ialsowouldn’tmindgettinganewcarwiththemoney,andmaybeaboat.Ihavealwaysloved
thewaterandhavewantedtotryskiing.TheonlythingwiththatwasifIsuckedatwaterskiing,we
wouldbestuckwithaboatwedidn’tuse.

“IhavefewrequestsbeforeIputthemoneyawayforourfuturechildren,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.

Hegavemeacrookedsmileandkissedmynoseagain.“Goforit.”

“First,I'mpayingformyowncar,ifIdecidetogetanewone.”Hestartedtotalk,butIcoveredhis

mouthwithmyhand.Henarrowedhiseyes,butIcarriedonlikeIdidn’tnotice.

“Second,Iwouldlikeaswimmingpool,andthird,”Isaidloudlybeforehecouldcutmeoffortalkover
me.“Iwouldlikeaboat,butonlyifitcanbereturnedifIendupnotlikingit.”

“First,you’regettinganewcarwhetheryouwantoneornot.”

“If—”Istarted,buthecutmeoffwithaquickkiss.

“Second,wecanhaveapoolputin,aslongasit’schildproof.Andwhenwehavekids,theyhaveto
takeswimminglessons.Andthird,Ihaveaboatsoyoudon’tneedtothinkaboutborrowingsomeone’s
boattotestitout.”

Isqueal,doingahappydance.”Wow,thatwaseasierthanIthought,”Isaid,smiling.“ButIwantto
confirmthatI'mpayingformynewcarwhenIdecidetogetone,andtheswimmingpoolwhenit’sput
in.”

“We’llfigureitout.”

“Hellno!”Isaid,rollinghimtohisback.Iwaslookingdownonhim,makingsureIhadhisfull
attention.“Iwillpayforthatstuff,Asher,orI’llbuyyouagifteveryweek,andIwillmakesurethey
areextravagantandexpensive.Trustme,youdon’twanttotestme.I'mthinkingalongthelinesofa
unicorn.”

“Youdon’tgetit.Thisismyland,myhouse.Ipayforthepool.AndIhopetoGodthatyouknowthat
unicornsaren’treal.”

Okay,thathurt.“So,I'mjustaguest.I'mnotlivingherewithyou?I'mnotthewomanthatyouplanon
havingafamilywith?Ifthat’sthecase,letmeknowsoIcanpackmystuff.Idon’twanttobeinthe
waywhentheoneyouplanonsharingyourlifewithshowsup.Andwhoknows?Moneyispower.I'm
sureIcanconvincesomeonesomewherethatunicornsexist,andthattheyshouldlocateoneforme.”

Iwatchedashisfacebecamehardandhisjawstartedtotic.“YouknowIdon’tmeanitthatway.You’re
mywoman.Itakecareofyou.”

“IfI'myourwoman,asyouputit,thenyou’remyman.Relationshipsworkbothways.Theygiveand
take.It’scalledcompromise.IneedtofeellikeI'mdoingsomethingforyou.Iwon’tbehappythinking
thatIliveherewithyouforfree.Youtakecareofme,makemefeelsafe,givemeahomeand
unconditionallove,andIdon’tdoanythingforyou?Iwon’tliveherefeelinglikeI'mnotbringing
anythingtothetable.That’snotme.IneedtofeellikeI'mpullingmyweight.”

“Baby,don’tyouseeit’stheotherwayaround?”heaskswithbothhishandsholdingmyface.“AllI
havetoofferyouisstabilityandlove.Ihavenothingelse.Ifyouleftmetomorrow,someotherguy
wouldbetheregivingyouthesamethingIdo.You’rebeautiful,funny,smart,kind.Andthesex,fuck
me,sexwithyouisoffthecharts.Ifyouleftme—Christ!”Heclosedhiseyes,shakinghishead.“Ifyou
leftme,Iwouldneverbeabletofindanotheryou.Someonewhofillsmylifewiththebeautythatonly
yougiveme.”

Okay,Icouldn’thelpit.Istartedbawlinglikeagiantbaby.Ilaidmyheadonhischest,wrapping

myselfaroundhim.TryingtogetascloseasIcouldwithoutcrawlinginsideofhim.Inolongercared
aboutthepoolorthecaroranythingelsetodowithmoney.

“Ifeelthesame,”Isaidthroughasob.“Youareanamazingman,AsherJamesMayson,andyoubetter
noteverforgetit.”

“Iloveyou,baby,”hewhisperedandIfelthislipsatthetopofmyhead.Hisarmswerearoundme,
holdingmetightlyagainsthim.IwassocomfortablethatIknewIcouldeasilyfallasleepthatway.“I
onlywantyoutobehappy.”

“Iam.”Myheartwasfull.Therewasnoroominitforsadnessoranger.Ifelthappyandloved.Even
whenIwasarguingwithhim,Ifeltunconditionallove.

ItwasinthatmomentthatIdecidedtodosomethingwiththemoneymygrandparentsleftme.Ilove
theplacethatInowcalledhome.AndIwantedtodosomethingthatwouldbenefitothers.Somethingto
sharethelovethatIfelt.Andhopefullygivesomeoneelseapieceofthatloveandhappiness.Iknew
thattherewerepeoplewholivedintheareathatwerestruggling.Ialsoknewthattheytookdonations
eachyearforcommunityprojectsandchildoutreachprograms.Ineededtofindthingstofillmytime
with.Thespringandsummermonthswerehisbusyseasons.Thedayswerelonger,theweatherwas
nicer,andIknewAsherwouldbeworkinglongerhours.Heandhisteamjustwonthebidonanew
development,sotheywereallexcitedaboutthatandtheamountofmoneyitwouldbringin.ButIknew
thatcomeJune,hewouldbealotbusier,soIneededtokeepmyselfoccupied.

Thepoundingstartedtogetlouder,takingmeoutofmyheadandbringingmebacktoreality.

“I'mcoming!I'mcoming!Holdyourhorses!”IshoutwhileIrunningtothefrontdoor.IpushBeastout
ofthewaysoIcouldgettothepeephole.WhenIlookout,Iseeayoungguyholdingflowers.”What
theheck?”Imuttertomyself.Iopenthedoorandthemanstandingtheresmilesandholdsouta
bouquetofroses.

“Hi,”Isay,myeyebrowscomingtogetherinquestion.Asherhasgivenmeflowersinthepast,buthe
hasnevergivenmeroses.Hehasalwaysbroughtthemhometome.I’veneverreceivedadelivery.

“ThisisadeliveryforNovember,”theguysays,lookingupatmefromwherehisheadwasbent,
readingoverthepaperinhishand.

“That’sme,”Isay,andbeforeIcangetanythingelseout,heshovesaclipboardintomyhand.

“YouneedtosignwheretheXsare.”

IsignedbythetwoXs.WhenIlookup,hesmilesandtakestheclipboard,puttingitunderhisarm.He
handedmetheflowersthenwalkedoff.Isettheflowersontheislandandlookforacardbutcan’tfind
one.IknowtheflowersarefromAsherbecauseheistheonlypersonwhowouldsendmeflowers.I
walkbacktothebedroomtofindmyphone.

OnceIhavemycellphone,IsendAsheraquicktext.

Me:Thanksfortheflowers.

Thereisnoreplyrightaway,soIsetthephonedownandjumpintheshower.Iamblowdryingmyhair
anddrinkingcoffeewithIhearmyphonesignalamessage.

Asher:Didn’tsendanything 

Me:Oh?Maybemydadsentthem.

“Hey,babygirl.”Heansweredonthefirstring.

“Hi,Dad.Um,Iwaswonderingifyousentmeflowers?”

“No?Why?”

“IgotadeliverythismorningofrosesandAsherdidn’tsendthem.”

“Ididn’tsendanything.”

MybreathingstartedtopickupandIknewmydadhearditthroughthephone.“I'msuretheyarefrom
someoneyouknow,”hesaysquietly.I'mnotassureasheis.Ifeelparanoid,butaftertherosesthat
someoneleftmeatmydad’shouse,thereisalwaysanagginginthebackofmyheadtellingmethat
somethingbadisgoingtohappentomeagain.

“Icantellyou’reworried.Don’tworrysomuch.Nothinghashappenedsincethebreak-in.”

“You’reright.I'mactingcrazy,”Itellhim.Flowersarenotabigdeal.

“Ifyoufeelunsafe,justtellmeandIwillbeoverthere.”

“No,Dad.You’reright.I'mfine.”

“Okay,babygirl.I'mgoingtogotosleep.Myphoneisonifyouneedme.”

“Thanks,Dad.Loveyou,”Iwhisper,feelinglikeanidiot.

“Loveyoutoo,babygirl.”HehungupandIcalledeveryoneelseIknewwhomightsendmeflowers.
Noonedid.

Asher:Wasityourdad???

Me:Hesaidno.Icalledaroundandnooneelsesentthem.

Lessthanasecondlater,Igetaresponse.

Asher:I'mcallingDadnow.

Me:Idon’tthinkthat’snecessary.

Asher:Dadwillbetherein5.I'monmyway.Stayinsideandlockthedoor.

Me:I'mfine.Stopworrying.Itsmakingmefreak.

Asher:Ratheryoubeparanoid.

IhearthecarpullupandIjumpoffthecouchfromwheremeandBeastarecuddling,andruntothe
frontdoor.IlookoutthepeepholejustasAsher’sdadisgettingoutofthepolicecruiser.Iopenthe
frontdoorandstepoutontotheporch,andheardthecrinkleofpaperundermybarefoot.Ibendand
pickitup.Itisaplaincard-sizeenvelope.Icanfeeltheweightofthecardinside.Istarttoopenitwhen
itissnatchedoutofmyhand.

Ijumpandletoutastartledyelp.Ihadbeensocaughtupintheenvelope,IforgotaboutAsher’sdad.
“Crap,youscaredme,”Isay,lookingupatMr.James.

Hechuckles.“Igotthatwhenyouscreamed.”

“Ididn’tscream,”Idefendedmyself.IhadbecomeclosewithallofAsher’sfamily.Hisparentshad
takenmeinasoneoftheirown.AndhisbrotherstreatedmelikeIwasthelittlesistertheyhadmissed
outonhaving.Nowtheymadeupforlosttimebypickingonmeandtorturingmeonaregularbasis.
SometimesAshergotannoyedwiththem,butmostofthetime,hewouldjoininonthefunofpissing
meoff.

Mr.JamessmiledlikehethoughtIwasfunnythenlookeddownattheenvelope.Thesmilelefthisface
quicklyandhiseyescametome.“Ihopeyoumadesuretolookoutthepeepholebeforeyoucame
outside.”Histonebecameserious.

“Imadesure,”Imumbled,hopingthatthiswasnothingserious.Ididn’twanttostartlivingmylife
lookingovermyshoulder.

“Let’sgoinandyoucanshowmewhatyougotandtellmeaboutthepersonwhodroppedthemoff.”

“Areyougoingtoopenthat?”Iask,pointingattheletter.

“Whenwegetinside.”

WewalkintothehouseandIcloseandlockthedoorbehindusasweturntogointothekitchen.Mr.
Jamesisstandingatthekitchenislandinfrontoftheflowers.Inoticethathenowhasonapairof
gloves.Hisheadisbentandheislookingattheopencard.

“Whatdoesitsay?”Iask.

Heholdsitupformetosee.OnthefrontofthecardwasapictureofManhattanatnight.Whenhe
opensit,Istumblebackandmystomachdrops.Iamlookingatthewordswritteninbrightredink.

Comingeventscasttheirshadowsbefore

Ihadavisioninthesummerlight—

Sorrowwasinit,andmyinwardsight

Achedwithsadimages.Thetouchoftears

Gusheddownmycheekshefiguredwoesofyears

Castingtheirshadowsacrosssunnyhours.

Oh,therewasnothingsorrowfulinflowers.

“Holycrap.”IcovermymouthandruntothehallbathroomtothrowupthepieceoftoastthatIhadfor
breakfastandthecoffeethatIdrank.Ifeelacoolragonmyneckandahandrubbingmyback.

“Areyouokay?”Mr.JamesasksandIcanheartheangerinhisvoice.

“Yeah,”Isay,flushingthetoilet.Itaketheragoffmyneckandwipemymouthwithit.Ilookupinto
hiseyesandcantellheispissedoff.Ijusthopeheisn’tmadatmeforbringingthiskindoftroubleto
hisson’sfrontdoor.“I'msosorry,”Isay,puttingmyfaceintomyhands.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhythis
washappeningtome.Ifelthimpullmeinforahug.

“Wewillfigureitout.Wewon’tletanythinghappentoyou.”

“Idon’tunderstandwhysomeone’sdoingthistome,”Icriedintohisshirt.IhateitmorethatAsheris
dealingwithtoo.Ifsomethinghappenedtohimbecauseofme,Idon’tknowwhatIwoulddo.“Canyou
givemeaminute?”Iask,pullingoutofhishugandwipingmyeyes.

“Sure,darling.”

Ishutthebathroomdoor,turnaroundtothevanity,andlookatmyself.Myeyesarebloodshot.Itiemy
hairupquicklyandturnonthecoldwaterthenstartsplashingmyface.Ineedtobrushmyteeth,butI'm
notreadytoleavethesafetyofthesefourwalls.IknowonceIwalkoutthatdoor,I'mgoingtobeasked
morequestionsthatIdon’thavetheanswersto.Irinsemymouthafewtimesthenjumpuponthe
counterandtrytothinkofanyonewhowoulddothistome.Ican’tthinkofanyonethatIwrongedor
anyonethatdislikesmeenoughtotryandkillme,orstalkmetoanotherstateandharassme.ThenI
starttowonderwheretheyhavebeenduringthelastfewmonths.Nothinghashappenedsinceaweek
beforeThanksgiving.NotthatImissedthem,butwhydidtheygoaway,andwhyaretheybacknow?

“November!”Asherbellowsfromthefrontdoor.Ihopoffthecounterandstarttoopenthebathroom
doorwhenitisshovedopenandhitsmeinthehead.

“Shit!”Icry,myhandgoingtomyforeheadwherethedoorhitme.

“JesusChrist!Baby,areyouokay?”Ididn’tknowifIwasalright.Iknewmyheadhurtalot.Whothe
heckopensadoorwiththatmuchforce?“Letmesee,”hesays,pullingmyhandsawayfrommyface.
“Fuck!”heshoutsandIknowfromthelookonhisfacethatIdon’twanttoseeit.Inowhavea
headacheontopofalltheothercrap.“I'msorry,baby.I'msofuckingsorry.”Helooksreallyupset.Jeez,
ithurt,butitwasn’tbleeding.Howbadcoulditbe?Iturntothemirrorandwanttolaugh.Ihavea
brightredandpurplemarkinthecenterofmyforehead.IlooklikeHarryPotter.Istarttogiggleand
Asher’seyesnarrow.“Thisshit’snotfunny.Icouldhavereallyhurtyou.”

“Iknowthat,”Isnap.“Whattheheckareyou?Theincrediblehulkorsomething?Seriously,whoopens
adoortoabathroomlikethat?”

“Dadpointedoutthatyouwereinhere.Ididn’teventhink.Ijusthadtomakesureyouwereokay.”

NowIfeelbad.“Sorry,itjusthurts,”Isaysoftly,feelinglikeatotalbitch.Healwaysworries.Even
whenI'msafe,heworries,sonowthatI'mindangerImightaswellhandcuffmyselftohim.

Hekissesthemark.“So,whywereyoulaughing?”heasks,wrappingmeinhug.

“IwaslaughingbecauseIlooklikeHarryPotter.”Hiseyescomebacktomyfaceandhislipstwitch.I
glareathim.“NowI’mgoingtohavetogivemyselfbangstohideitsoIdon’thavetolistentoyour
stupidbrothersandthejokesthey’llmakeaboutit,”Isay,pointingtomyforehead.

“Theyloveyou.”Theydid,Iknewtheydid.Wehadbecomegreatfriends.IknewifAsherwasn’t
around,Icouldcountonanyofthemtohelpmeoutwithwhateverwaswrong.Andtheywerenot
perverted,justbrotherly.Forthat,Iwasthankful.NowSven,hewasadifferentstory.Hemademe
uncomfortable.Iwasn’tsureifitwasbecausehewashandsome,orifitwasjusthimasaperson.
Sometimesthewayhelooksatmeorthewordsheusesmakesitseemlikeheiscomingontome.ButI
sawhiminactionwhenmeandAshermethimandtheguysatthebar.Iknowthatwhenhecomeson
toagirl,hedoesn’tholdanythingback.Heisover-the-topaggressiveandwomenstillswarmhimlikea
hivetohoney.Oneday,whenhemeetsagirlhe’sseriousabout,she’sgoingtohavetobereallystrong
inordertodealwithhispersonality.

“Iknowtheyloveme,”Igrumble.

“Iseverythingokay?”Mr.Jamesasksfromoutsidethedoor.IstepawayfromAsherandopenthedoor
andMr.Jameslooksdownatme.“Whatthefuck?”heasks,lookingupatAsher.

“It’sfine.Ijustneedtoputsomeiceonitandtakesomeaspirin,”Isay,steppingaroundhim.

“Howdidithappen?”

“It’seitherbecauseyoursonistheincrediblehulkorhehasathingforHarryPotter,”Isayovermy
shoulder.IlaughwhenIhearAshergroan.

“It’smyfault,”Ashersays,pickingmeupandsettingmeonthecounter,removingmefromwhereI
wasstandinginfrontofthefridge.“ThedoorhitherwhenIshoveditopentogettoher.”Iwatchhim
gothedrawerandgrababaggiethenbacktothefridge.Hefillsitwithicethenwrapsitinakitchen
towelandbringsittomeandpressesittomyhead.

“Thanks,honey,”Imumble.

“You’rewelcome,baby.I'msorryyourdaysucks.”

“Metoo.”Hekissesmytemplethenlooksovertohisdad,buthiseyesstopontherosesthataresitting
onthecounter.

“Someguydeliveredthose?”heasks.IswallowandlookatAsher’sdad.Hehadn’ttoldhimaboutthe
card.Mr.JameslookedatmethenatAsher.“Whataren’tyoutellingme?”Asheraskshisdad.

“WhenIpulledup,Novembercameoutsideandfoundacard.”

“Whereisit?”AsherasksandIcanseehisbodyexpanding,musclesbunchingunderhisshirt.Mr.
JameshandsAsherthecardthatisnowinsideofagallonzipperbag.Thecardisopensoyoucansee
theinsideandoutsideofit.Asherlooksatthefrontforthesecondandseesthatit’sapictureofNew
YorkthenheflipsthebagoverandIcantellthathe’susingallofhiscontroltonotripthethinginhalf.

“Whatdoesthismean?”Ashergruntsout.Hesoundswildandnothinglikehimself.

IpullmyphoneoutandGooglethewordsthatarewritteninthecard.“Thepoetwhowroteonmy
livingroomwallalsowrotethispoem,”ItellAsherandMr.James.

“WeknowtheotherpoemiscalledNovember.Whatisthisonecalled?”Asherasks.

“Anticipation,”ItellthemandgetashiverdownmyspinewhenIreadthemthepoem.

'Comingeventscasttheirshadowbefore.'
Ihadavisioninthesummerlight—
Sorrowwasinit,andmyinwardsight
Achedwithsadimages.Thetouchoftears
Gusheddownmycheeks:—thefiguredwoesofyears
Castingtheirshadowsacrosssunnyhours.
Oh,therewasnothingsorrowfulinflowers
WooingtheglancesofanAprilsun,
Orappleblossomsopeningonebyone
Theircrimsonbosoms—orthetwitteredwords
Andwarbledsentencesofmerrybirds;—
Orthesmallglitterandthehummingwings
Ofgoldenfliesandmanycoloredthings—
Oh,thesewerenothingsad—nortoseeHer,
Sittingbeneaththecomfortablestir
Ofearlyleaves—castingtheplayfulgrace
Ofmovingshadowsinsofairaface—
Norinherbrowserene—norinthelove
Ofhermildeyesdrinkingthelightabove
Withalongthirst—norinhergentlesmile—
Norinherhandthatshoneblood-redthewhile
Sheraiseditinthesun.Alltheseweredear
Toheartandeye—butaninvisiblefear
Shookinthetreesandchilledupontheair,
Andifonespotwaslaughingbrightest—there
Mysoulmostsankanddarkenedindespair!—
Asiftheshadowsofacurtainedroom
Hauntedmeinthesun—asifthebloom
Ofearlyflow'retshadnosweetsforme,
Norappleblossomsanyblushtosee—
Asifthehourhadbroughttoobrightaday—
Andlittlebirdswerealltoogay!—toogay!—
AsifthebeautyofthatLovelyOne
Wereallafable.—Fullbeforethesun
StoodDeathandcastashadowlongbefore,
Likeadarkpallenshroudingherallo'er,
Tilleyes,andlips,andsmiles,wereallnomore!

“Thatsoundsalotmorethreateningthanthelastpoemheleft,”Ashersays,lookingathisdad.Ilook
towardMr.Jamesandnoticethathisfaceisblank.“Whatdowedo?”

“IneedNovembertotellmeaboutthedeliveryandanythingthatshecanrememberfromwhenshewas
attackedinNewYork.Ialsoneedtoknowifeitherofyouhavenoticedanyoneoutofplaceorsomeone
whomadeyouuncomfortable.”IlookfromAsher’sdadtohimandseethathisbodyisstillreadyfor
attack.Ileanforwardonthecounterandgrabhisshirtatthebackanddraghimtowardme.Oncehe’s
close,Iwrapmyarmsaroundhismiddleandlaymyheadonhisback.Ifeelhishandsrestontopof
minethenhetakesadeepbreathandhisbodyrelaxes.

“Ineedtogoouttothecarandgetmynotebook.WhenIcomebackin,wecantalk.”

Asherturns,facingmeandpullsmeclosertohim.“I'mreallysorryaboutthis,”Imumbleintohischest,
lettinghissmellrelaxme.

“Don’tapologizeaboutthis.Itisn’tyourfault.”

“MaybeIshouldlea—”

Thewordsarenotevenoutofmymouthbeforehecutsmeoff.“Don’tevenfuckingthinkaboutleaving
me.”Hisarmsgosupertightaroundmelikeheisexpectingmetovanishintothinair.“Iwilltrackyour
assdownanddragyoubackhere.Iwantyoutolistentome.”Hishandsholdmyface,andhislips
comeclosertomine.“Dadisonthis.I'monthisandnowI'mputtingKentononthis.Wewillfindout
what’sgoingonandwhoisdoingthis.Andwhilewe’redoingthat,youwillbesafe.”

“Iwoulddieifsomethinghappenedtoyoubecauseofme,”Iwhispermybiggestfearandthendoaface
plantintohisshirt.

“Baby,”hesays,runninghishanddownmyback.“Theworstthingthatcouldhappenisifyouleftme
andIhadnowayofknowingthatyouwereokay.Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyouandIwillmake
surethatnothinghappenstomeeither.DoyouthinkthatIwouldletsomethinghappentomyself,
knowingthatthereareaboutsixguysthatIknowwaitingtotakemyplace?”

“Youknowyou’recrazy,right?”Iaskinallseriousness.Onlyhewouldsayoneofthereasonshewas
stayingsafeissorandom,non-existingguysdon’ttrytotakemeaway.

“No,I'mselfish.Iknowwhatsleepsnexttomeeverynight.Youaremine,November.Untilthedayyou
leavethisearth,youaremine.AndItakemyresponsibilityveryseriously.”WhatcouldIsaytothat?
BeforeIsayanything,hisdadcomesinthefrontdoorcarryinganotebookandafile.

“Alright,let’sgetstarted,”Mr.Jamessays,settinghisstuffdownontheislandandpullingoutthestool
totakeaseat.Asherkissesmyforeheadthenjumpsupnexttomeonthecounter,grabbingmyhand.

Itellthemaboutthedeliverythenabouttheattack.ThenIremembertherosesthathadbeenoutsidethe
apartmentdoorwhenIgothomefromthehospital.Ihadnevergottenflowers,andmymomwouldget
themallthetimefromwhatevermanshewasseeing,soIassumedtheywereforher.Itooktheminto
theapartmentandleftthemonthecounter.Inevereventhoughtaboutthemagainuntilthatmoment.

“Whiteroses,”Iwhispertomyself.

“Pardon?”Mr.Jamesasks.

“WhiteroseswereleftoutsidemyapartmentdoorafterIwasattacked.ButIdon’tthinktheywerefor
mymom.”

“Whydoyousaythat?”Mr.Jamesasks,andIremembermymom’sshockedfacewhensheopenedthe
card.

“Thecardsaid,‘I'msorry.’Webothassumedtheywerefromtheguyshewasseeing,theonethattook
metothehospital.Thathewassorryforwhathappenedtome.ButIremembersheseemedshockedby
theapology.Like,Idon’tknow,thathewouldn’tdothat,youknow?Likehewouldn’tapologize.When
Iwaspackingmycarlaterthatevening,thesameboyfriendwhoIthoughttheflowerswerefrom
stoppedbytodropoffBeast.HehadkepthimwhileIwasinthehospital.Hedidn’twanthimtoendup
attheshelter.HemademepinkypromisehimthatifIwasgoingtogiveBeastaway,hegotfirstdibs.I
rememberthinkingthathewasareallygoodguyandhopingthatitwouldworkoutforhimandmy
mom.Hehuggedmethengotinhiscarandleft.Ithoughtthatmaybehewasbusy.Ileftafewminutes
afterhedid,soI'mnotsurewhathappenedwithhimandmymom.”

“I'mgonnaneedyourmom’snumber,andthecontactinformationforthedetectiveinNewYorkwho
wasworkingonyourcase,”Mr.Jamessays,andInodmyheadinagreement.

“Ihaveafriendwho’sbeenlookingintothings,”Ashersays,andIlookoveratAsher.Ineverknew
this.Wetalkedaboutwhathappenedtome,buthenevertoldmeanythingaboutsomeonelookinginto
it.

“Youdo?”Iask,wonderingwhenhehadaskedsomeonetolookintoit.

“Yeah.”Thatwasallhesaidwhilepullingmeclosersohecouldkissmyforehead.

“Okay,”Isayslowly.“Whenwereyougoingtotellmeaboutthat?”

“Rightnow.”

“Don’tyouthinkthatIshouldknowaboutthingslikethat?”

“Youknownow.”Inarrowmyeyesandhebringsmyhandtohismouth,kissingmyfingersthatare
wrappedaroundhis.“Nothinghashappenedinthelastfewmonths.Wewerenotevensureifthebreak
inhadanythingtodowithwhathappenedinNewYork.”Thatisagoodpoint.Wedidn’tknow
anything.Idon’tevenknowwhyIcared.Iwasgratefulthathewaslookingintoit.

“Havetheycomeupwithanything?”Iask,hopingthatsomedetectivewasusinghisskillssoIdidn’t
havetolivemydaysworriedaboutmylifebeingindanger,orworse,havingAsheroreitherofour
familiesindanger.

“Nothingnew.Theyknowitwasanisolatedincident.”

“So,dotheyhaveanyideawhythisishappening?”

“No,baby.”

“Doyouthinksomeoneisstalkingme?”Iask,lookingatAsherthenhisdad.

“I'mnotsurewhat’sgoingon.AndbeforeIjumptoanyconclusions,Ineedtotalktothefloristwho
deliveredtheflowersandaskaboutthepersonwhoplacedtheorder.ThenIneedtocontactyourmother
andfindoutwhatsheremembersfromthenightofyourattack.Ialsoneedtocontacttheofficerwho
washandlingyourcaseandseeifthereareanycasesaresimilartoyours.”

“Asheralreadyfoundthatout.Theysaiditwasisolated.”

“Yes,theydid,buthewastalkingabouttheattack.I'mtalkingabouttheflowersandthemessages,”Mr.
Jamessays.

“Smart.”Ismiledathimandheshookhishead,chuckling.

“Inthemeantime,Iwantyoutobeextracautiouswhenyou’reout.Ialsoneedyoutomakealistof
peoplethatyouhavedated.Theremightbesomeonewhowasn’treadyforyourrelationshiptobe
over.”

“That’ssimple.IdatedmyexfiancéandAsher.”

“Imeananyoneyouwentoutwith,evenifitwasn’tserious.”

“Iknow,anditwasonlymyexandAsher.Ineverdatedinhighschool.Mymotherwantedmetowork,
andifIwasn’tworking,Ihadtobehome.ImetmyexduringmysophomoreyearofcollegeandI
datedhimuntilIcaughthimwithmymother.AfterIbrokeitoffwithhim,IneededtimeandIwas
neverreallyinterestedinanyone,soIdidn’tdate.Beforetheattackhappened,mybossmademesign
upforadatingservice,soIdidthat,butIhaven’tevencheckedtheactivityofthataccount.”

“Doyouhavetheaccountinformation?”AsherasksandIcanseehisjawtightening.

“Yeah,it’sinmyphonebook.”

“So,youdidn’tthinkaboutclosingtheaccountsincewemet?”

Irolledmyeyesandlookedathim,wantingtodetermineifhewasbeingserious.

“Ihaven’teventhoughtaboutit.”Hiseyesnarrowed.“What?You’vebeenkeepingmebusy,”Ishout,
throwingmyhandsintheair.“I'msorryifIhaven’tthoughtaboutadatingsitethatIdidn’tevenwant
tobeamemberof.”

IhearMr.JameslaughfromacrossthekitchenandIlookupatthesametimeasAsher.Mr.Jamesput
hishandsinfrontofhiminastaybackgestureandlaughsharder.Ilaugh,andAsher’seyescometome.

“Youthinkthisisfunny?”

“Um…no?”Myanswersoundedlikeaquestion,andIstartlaughinglouder.

“WhatdidItellyouaboutlaughingatme,baby?”heasks.Iseethelookinhiseyes,soIjumpoffthe
counterandstarttoruntogetawayfromhim.Sadly,hislegsarelongerandhisspeedfaster,soIdidn’t
haveachancetoescapebeforeIwaslyingonthefloorandhisbigbodywaspinningmedown,tickling

me.

Myheadisthrashingbackandforth.IambegginghimtostopandthenBeastcomesover,nottohelp
me,buttoassistAsherinhistorture.HeislickingmyfacewhileAsherticklesmyribs.

“Areyougoingtoclosetheaccount?”

Hekeepsupthetickling.”YES!”Iscreechmyagreementaboutthedatingsite.“Pleasestop.I'mgoing
topee.”Iwasfinallyabletosayafullsentence.Hestoppedimmediately.Ijumpedupandrantothe
bathroomwithoutlookingback.WhenIamwalkingbacktowardthekitchen,IhearAsherandhisdad
talking.

“Iwantthisshitdone.”

“CallKentonandaskhimtomakeNovemberapriority.Youcanalwayssendhertohimtokeepsafe.”
Hmm,that’sinteresting.I’vebeenwonderingwhatKentondid,buteverytimeIaskaboutit,Igetthe
runaround.

Hislaughheldnohumor.Thenheanswered,“HemetNovemberattheChristmaspartyandwasgetting
readytogoinfortheKentonkillwhenItoldhimshewasmine.”

“Hewouldnevercrossthatlineandyouknowit.”

“TheonlythingIknowisthatIwantthisshitdone.”Hegrowled.“I'mtooselfishtosendheraway.I
wouldn’tbeabletofunctionknowingshewasstayingwithKenton.”Iheardhimtakeabreath.“If
thingsescalate,I’lltakehertothecabin.”

“Yourcousinisagoodman.He’salsooneofthebestatwhathedoes.”

“Idon’tgiveafuck.Youwerenotthere.Youdidn’tseethewayhelookedather.IknowKentonbetter
thananyone.Andunlesssomethingelsehappens,shestaysherewithme.”

“Yourjealousycouldendupgettingherhurt,”Hisdadwhispersandmyheartstartsbeatingdouble
time.

“Iwouldneverletanythinghappentoher.Ihavemyfuckingreasonsfornottrustinganyonewithher.”
Ineededtoquiteavesdropping,butitwaslikeIwasgluedinplace.“Wedon’tevenknowwhat’sgoing
on.TheonlythingweknowisshewasattackedinNewYork.Thatmaynothaveanythingtodowith
what’shappeninghere.

“ThecardshowstheNewYorkCityskyline.IthinkwhoeverisdoingthisknowsherfromNewYork.
Wedon’tknowiftheattackandthethingshappeninghereareconnected,butsinceshe’sbeenin
Tennessee,shehashadtwoseparateinstanceswhereshehasbeenleftpoetry.Thethingismessy.We
justneedtocleanitupandputthepiecestogether.I'mgoingintotowntotheflorist.I’llcallandletyou
knowifIfindoutanythingfromthem.

IcouldhearthefrustrationinAsher’svoice.Inthemeantime,I'mgonnatalktomyfriendinJerseyand
tellhimaboutwhathappenedtoday.”

IwalkedoutofmyhidingplaceinthehalljustasMr.Jameswasopeningthefrontdoor.Hetippedhis
headinmydirection,hiseyessoftonme.“Iwantyoutobeextracareful.”Icouldtellthathistonewas
notthatofthesheriff,butasamanwhocaredaboutmelikeadaughter.“Ifyou’reout,youneedto
watchwho’saroundyou.Ifanyonemakesyoufeeleventheslightestbitofunease,yougosomewhere
wheretherearealotofpeopleandcallmeoroneofmyboys.AsItoldAsher,thiswholesituationisa
mess.IjustneedtoseeifIcandiganythingupthatwillstraighteneverythingout.Inthemeantime,stay
safe.”

“Thanksforeverything.”Iwalktohimandhughimaroundthewaist.Hegivesmeaone-armedhug,
hisotherarmfullwithhisnotebook,hisplasticbagwiththecardinside,andacoffeecup.

“I'msureSusanisgoingtobestoppingbysoonandwillwanttoseeforherselfthatyou’resafe.”He
wasnotwrong.Susanwasamommabearandveryprotectiveofhercubs.Sincebeingbroughtintothe
family,shehastakenmeunderhercareandmadeitknownfarandwidethatifyoumessedwithme,
youwouldhavetodealwithher.

“Okay,”Imurmured.Myrealmothermightnotwantme,butSusanlovesmeandsheisbetterthan
anythingIcouldeveraskforinamother.Asher’sbrothersarealwaysgivingmeahardtime,tellingme
Iamasuckup.Idon’tcare.Asherhooksmearoundmywaist,pullingmybacktohisfront.

“Talktoyousoon,Dad,”Ashersays,shufflingustothedoorashisdadcloseditbehindhim.Helocks
itandturnsmearound,hishandsframingmyface.“Youokay?”Icanseetheworryinhiseyes.

“I'mfine.Ijustwanttoknowwhoisdoingthisandwhy.”

“Metoo,baby,”hesays,layinghisforeheadagainstmine.

“Isitme,oristhatpoemtotallycreepy?”Iwhisper.

“It’snotjustyou.”

“Whatdoyouthinkitmeans?”

“Idon’tknow,baby,”hesaidquietly.Iwrapmyarmstighteraroundhimandholdon.Icantellhehates
thismorethanIdo.

Chapter9

“Bye,”IcallovermyshoulderasIwalkedoutofTemptations.

“Bye,honey,”Lizcallsthroughtheopendoorofhershop.IgotupearlytomeetLizforcoffeeandto
explaintoheraboutwhathappenedyesterday.SheknewIreceivedflowersyesterdaybecauseIhad
calledher,andeveryoneelseIknew,toseewhosentthem.She,likeeveryoneelse,saiddidn’tsend
anythingandaskedwhy.Icouldn’texplainthesituationtoatthetime.Pluswitheachphonecall,Igot
moreandmorescaredandwastoofreakedouttotellanyoneaboutwhathappened.ThenMr.James
showedupandwefoundthecard.So,Iknewitwasmorethanjustanicegesturefromafriend.

AfterMr.Jamesleft,Asherdraggedmeintotheoffice,satmeatthedesk,gotmyphonebookandhad
melogontotheonlinedatingsite.Hedraggedmeoutofthechair,satdown,andpulledmeintohislap.
IpokedaroundonthewebsiteandlookedatanycommunicationsthatIhadreceivedfromguys.I
clickedonmyprofileandthepicturethatIhadused.Igruntedafewtimeswhilereadingsomeofthe
informationIposted.Wewenttothesectionwherepeoplewhocontactedmeleftmessages.Iwas
surprisedbytheamountofinquiresIreceived.Somewerenormal,othersdisturbing.Thenormalones
werejust,wouldyouliketohavedinnerwithmequestions.Otherswere,wouldyouliketomeettohave
sex?Thosesurprisedme.Ineverknewpeopleusedtheinternetforonenightstandtypeofsituations.

Oncehewassatisfiedthatnoonefromthewebsitewasstalkingme,hecanceledmyaccount.Isat
quietlyinhislapthewholetimewhilehewasclickingawayonthecomputer,fightingthelaughterthat
wasgettingreadytoexplodeoutofme.WhenhewasdoneandthecomputerwasshuttingdownI
turnedtolookathim.“Allmine.”HegruntedandIcouldnolongerholditin.Istartedlaughing.

“You’resuchacaveman,”Isaidkissinghim.

***************************

“OhmyGod.I'msosorry,”IapologizedtothepersonIbumpedinto.

Thewomanmumbledandherbodybenttopickupafile.“Youneedtowatchwhereyou’regoing.”I
knewthatvoice.Mybodyfroze.

“Mom?”Iwhisperincompleteshockasherheadcameup.Herhairwasdifferent,alittlelonger.Icould
seeafewwrinklesaroundhereyes.SheprobablyhadtocutbackonherBotoxtreatmentsnowthatI
wasn’ttheretohelpherwithmoney.

“November,”shesaidandgaveacurtnod,butdidn’tsayanythingelse.Shewaswearingherusualgear.
Black,widelegslacks,alavenderblousethatIknewwasrealsilk,andshinyblackdominatrixshoes.
Well,that’swhatIcalledthem.Theheellookedlikeitcouldbeusedasaweapon.Ialsoknewthatthose

shoeshadaredbottom.

Oneofherex-boyfriendsboughtthemforherbeforehiswifefoundoutthathewaskeepingawoman
ontheside.Shetoldhimthatifhecontinuedonwiththeaffair,shewasgoingtotakehimtothe
cleaners.Thatwasthelastgifthegavemymotherandtheonlythingshekept.Allthejewelryand
expensivehandbagsheboughtforhergotpawned.Well,anyjewelryorhandbagsthatanyonebought
forherwenttothepawnshop.Sheneverkeptanythingexceptclothingunlessithadthetags.Then,she
wouldeithergetthemoneybackorgetastorecreditfortheitemandfindsomethingelsethatsheliked
more.

“Mom,whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask,startingtofreakout.Idon’twantmydadtoseeherandIreally
don’twantmygrandmothertoseeher.IlookaroundtoseeifthereisanyoneoutthatIknow,andlucky
forme,thestreetsarequiet.

“Well,it’sgoodtoseeyoutoo,”shesnaps.Hertonesaysthatitisn’tgoodtoseemetoo.

“Sorry,I'mjustsurprised.Imean,Itriedtocallyouandyouhaven’treturnedanyofmyphonecalls.”

“Youabandonedmeforyourfather.Hewantednothingtodowithyouandyoustillleftmeforhim.”
Great,nowhowdoIdealwiththis?Mydaddidn’tabandonme.Mymotherkeptmefromhim,butI
reallydon’twanttogetintoanargumentwithherinthemiddleofthetownsquare.Wordtravelsfastin
thistownandIdon’twantmyfamilytoknowthatshehadevenbeeninthecity.

“Mom,please.Ididn’tabandonyou.Youknowwhathappenedtome.Icouldn’tstayinNewYork
anymore.”

Iwatchherrollhereyes,completelydisregardingmyattack.“Thatkindofthinghappenseverydayin
thecity,November.Don’tbesuchadramaqueen.”

OhmyGod.Iwanttoscreaminherface.Iknowthatbadthingshappenedinthecity.Ilivedtheremy
wholelife.Iwatchedthenews,andreadthepaper.Butitdidn’thappentosomeoneelse.Ithappenedto
me,herdaughter,someonethatshewassupposedtoloveandlookafter.“Mom,Icouldhavedied.I
couldhavebeenraped.Youheardwhatthepolicesaid.Andtrustme,Iknowthatbadthingshappen,
butIdidn’tfeelsafethereanymore.”Itakeadeepbreath.“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion.Whyare
youintown?Iseverythingokay?”

Sheshakesherheadandpressesherlipsintoaflatlinebeforeansweringme.“Everythingisfine.Ihad
toseethelawyerintownforsomethingthatdoesn’tconcernyou.”Iamkindofcuriousabouther
meetingwiththelawyer,butI’mnotgoingtoaskheraboutit.Iwanthertoleavebeforeanyonesees
her.

Itakeabreath,hopingthattheanswertomynextquestionisabigno.“Areyouintownforlong?”

Shelooksaroundandscrunchesupherfaceindisgust.“No,itwasaonedaytrip.Myflightleavesina
fewhours.”Well,thankGodforsmallfavors.

“Okay,”ThatwasallIcouldsay.Iwasn’tsadthatshewasleaving.

“Youlooklikeyoufitinherewiththesepeople,”shesays,lookingdownhernoseatme.Thewords

“thesepeople”wassaidliketheywere,infact,notpeopleatall,butasecretalienracetryingtotake
overtheworld.Shetakesastepawayfromme,pullingherbagclosertoherbodylikeI’mplanningon
rippingitoutofherhandsandtakingoffdownthestreetwithit.Ialmostlaugh.IlookdownatwhatI
amwearingandIdofitinhere.Ihaveonapairofdarkjeansandlongsleeveblackshirtwithapuffy
pinkvestoverit.Andonmyfeet,Ihaveapairofplainblackboots.Ilooknormal.NotNewYorkupper
westsidenormal,butTennesseenormal.

“Thanks.”Ismile.

Shehuffsoutabreaththenlooksaround.Obviously,Ididn’tgivehertheresponseshewants.“Ineedto
go,”shesaysandIfeeltearsstingmynose.Stupid,Iknow,butsheistheonlymotherIhaveandIhate
thatwearen’tclose.Formywholelife,Iwishedforhertoactlikeshecaredaboutme.Itkilledmeeach
timesheprovedthatsheneverwould.

“Okay,haveasafefight,”Imumble,realizingthatI’mnotakidanymore.Idon’thavetoexplainto
peoplewhymymotherwasneveraroundlikealltheotherkid’smoms.RealizingthatIhavefamilyand
friendshere,peoplewholoveme,givesmestrength.Shehasnopartinmylife.Idon’tneedher.With
thatthoughtinmyhead,Iwalkaroundher,downthesidewalktomycar,getinandcallAsher.

“Hey,baby.I'minthemiddleofsomething.CanIcallyouback?”

“No.Uh…um…that’snotnecessary.IjustwantedtotellyouIloveyou.”

“Areyouokay?Yousoundfreaked.”

“I'mgreat,actually.Really,reallygreat,”Itellhimtruthfully.Iknowhappinessbecauseofhim,his
family,andmine.

HeisquietandIhearhimtakeabreath.“Loveyoutoo,baby.”Hisvoicesoundsgruff.

“Good,”Iwhisper,closingmyeyes.

“Good,”hewhispersback.Heisquietaminutethenhetellsme,“I’llseeyouathome.”

“Okay,”Iwhisperagain.

“Later.”Hechuckledandthatmademegiggle.

“Yeah,later.”IhangupbeforeIamanevenbiggerdork.Ilookinmyrearviewmirrorandseemy
smile.Iamgoinghome.Home.ToahomeIhavewithAsherandBeast.Iputmycarinreverseand
drive.

***************************

“No,”IwhinetoAsher,whoisbehindmeinbed.It’sSaturdayandhe’sbeentryingtogetmeupforthe
pasthour.I'mreadytostranglehim.

“Baby.”Helaughs,shovinghisfaceinmyneck.

“Asher,I'mtellingyourightnow,ifyoudon’tleavemealone,I'mgoingtokillyou.”

“That’snotverynice.”Hechuckles.

“Idon’tcare.Goaway.Geez,youhavethreebrothersandaboatloadoffriends.Can’tyoufind
someoneelsetobother?”

“I'mnotgoingtoaskoneofthemtoshowerwithme.”

“OhmyGod!”Iyell.“Goaway.I'msleeping.”Ishovemyheadundermypillow,tryingtoblockhim
out.

“Yousoundawaketome.”IhearhismuffledreplyandIcantellhe’ssmilingjustbythetoneofhis
voice.

“That’sit.”Irolloverandstraddlehim.Hisfacelightsupandhesmiles.Ismilebackthengrabmy
pillowandholditoverhisbig,stupidface.Hishandsrunupmysidesandstartticklingme.WhenI
finallycallmercy,we’rebothbreathingheavily.

“Now,areyougoingtoshowerwithme?”heasks,hiseyesshiningwithlaughter.

“Youareseriouslyrelentless,youknowthat,don’tyou?”

“Ilikeshoweringwithyou.”Heshrugs.

Ishakemyheadandstartlaughing.“No,youdon’t.Youlikegettingoffintheshower.”

HisfacegoesseriousandIholdmybreath.“No!”Hisvoiceisalow.“Iliketakingcareofyou.Ican
fuckyouanytime.I'mnotalwaysabletotakecareofyou.”

Ifeelmyfacegosoft.Iswallowagainstthelumpinmythroatthenliftmyhead,pressingmymouthto
his.“Let’sgoshower,”Iwhisperagainsthislips.

Hecarriesmetothebathroomandtakeshistimetakingcareofme.Then,Itakecareofhim.It’s
beautiful.

Standingatthekitchencounter,IwatchBeasteatwhileIfinishmycoffee.Asherwalksaroundthe
cornerwearinghisoverwashedjeansthathanglowonhiships,nosocks,andtheT-shirthe’sgoingto
putonisinhishand.Mymouthgoesdry.Isqueezemyhandintoafistatmysidetoavoidreachingout
andrunningitdownhischestandabs.HeshakeshisheadandIknowheknowswhatI'mthinking.Itis
reallyunfair.Nooneshouldhavethatmuchpoweroveranotherperson.

Oncehereachesme,hebendsoverandkissesmesoftly.Then,hekissesmynoseandgrabsamugfrom
behindmetomakehimselfacupofcoffeewhilecrowdingmeagainstthecounter.Hisjawhasafew
daysofstubblethatmakeshisfacelookmorerugged,andsomethingaboutthatlookmakesmytummy
melt.Ican’thelpmyself,soIrunmyfingersfromhishair,downthesideofhisface,feelingitprickle
againstmyfingers.Irememberhowitfeelswhenitrubsbetweenmythighs.Isqueezemylegstogether
anddropmyhand.

“Youokay,baby?”Inodmyhead,butdon’tsayanything.I'mhappy,morethanhappy.Somedays,I
wakeupandwonderhowIspentthefirsttwenty-fiveyearsofmylife.Ihadnocluewhatrealhappiness

was.Ormaybethatwashappiness,andnowI'mlivinginbliss.“Youlooklikeyou’rereallyinyour
head.What’sgoingon?”heasks,takingabiteofabagel.

“Nothing.”Igrin.“So,whatarewedoingtoday?Canwegoriding?”Iaskexcitedly.

“No,someone’scomingoverinanhour,”hesays,wipinghismouth.

“O…kay,”Isayslowly,waitingforhimtotellmewhoiscomingover.Hedoesn’tsayanything,just
smiles.“So,whoisit?”Iaskafterhestilldoesn’tsayanything.

“You’llsee.”Heshrugs.

“So,you’renotgoingtotellmewhoitis?”

“Nope,”hesays,puttinghiscupandplateintothesinkwithoutrinsingit.Hestartstowalkaway,soI
clearmythroattogethisattention.Whenhelooksatme,Inodmyheadinthedirectionofthesinkand
heraiseshiseyebrows.So,Inodmyheadinthedirectionofthesinkagain.“Doyouhaveatic,baby?”
heasks,hismouthtwitching.

Inarrowedmyeyes.“I'mnotyourmaid,Asher.”Hestraightoutsmiles,givingmethedimple,then
walkstothesink,takeshisplateandcupout,stillwithoutrinsingthem,andplacestheminthe
dishwasher.“Youhavetorinseitbeforeyouputitinthedishwasher,”Itellhim,feelingandsounding
likeatotalnag.

“It’sadishwasher,”hesaysslowly,walkingtowardsme.

“Ye—”BeforeIcangetthewordsout,hismouthisonmine.Thekissisdeep,wet,andsoyummy,that
whenhepullshismouthaway,myhandsarewrappedaroundhisneckandmylegsarearoundhiships.
I'minanAsherfogsodeepthathecouldtellmethatit’snotadishwasher,butamicrowave,andI
wouldagreewithhimcompletely.

Myeyesflutteropen.He’slookingdownatmewithacockysmileandmumbles,“That’sbetter.”Then,
hesqueezesmyassinhishands,setsmeonthecounterandleavesthekitchen,puttingonhisshirtashe
goes.

“Holycrap,”Iwhisper.Beastlooksatme,grunts,thenwalkstohisdogbedandlaysdown,completely
disappointedinmylackofwillpower.“It’snotmyfault,”Imumbletomydog.Heletsoutabreathand
shutshiseyes,completelydismissingme.“It’snot,”Isay,stillmumbling.Ihopoffthecounter,take
Asher’sdishesfromthedishwasher,rinseoffthecreamcheesesoitdoesn’thardenontotheplate,rinse
outthecupthenplacethembothbackinthedishwasher.Thewholetime,I'msmiling.

Igotothebedroomtogetdressed.Ipullonapairofleggingsandchoosealoose,off-the-shoulder
creamshirt,andthrowablackopenfront,oversizedsweateronoverit.IknowAshersayshelovesmy
body,butIneedtostopeatingeverythingthatisplacedinfrontofmebeforeIneedawholenew
wardrobe.

Yesterday,Ihadtoliedowntobuttonmyjeans,andlet’sjustsaywalkingaroundalldayandhavingmy
toestinglefromlackofcirculationisahazardtomyselfandthosearoundme.Iflopdownonthebed,
exhaustedfromgettingdressed.I'msotiredthatIfeellikeIcouldsleepforthenextweek.Iclosemy

eyesjusttogivethemarest.Ifeelafeatherlighttouchrundownmycheek.MyeyesopenslowlyandI
seeAsher’sface.

“Timetogetup,sleepyhead.Ourguestishere.”

Itakeadeepbreathandstretch.“Okay,whoisit?”Igrumble,thinkingthatthisguestbetterbe
awesomeenoughformysleepinterruption.

“You’llsee.”Hesmilesandpullsmeoutofbed.Hetucksmeunderhisarmandwalksusouttothe
livingroomwherethereisaguyaboutAsher’sage.He’swearingjeansandablackshirtwiththe
words,CrystalClearPoolsandSpaswritteninwhiteonthebreastofhisshirt.

“OhmyGod!”Iscreechandstartjumpingupanddown.Mytirednessisalongforgottenmemory.The
guytakesastepbackandlooksnervouslytoAsherforhelp.

Asherstartslaughing.“Don’tmindher,Jack.Shedoesthiswhenshegetsexcited.”IlookathimandI
canseehe’sthinkingaboutwhenhetoldmehewastakingmefour-wheeling.IbitemylipwhenIsee
hiseyesturnhungry.

Jackclearshisthroat.“Nicetomeetyou,November.”HesticksouthishandandIplacemineinhis.

“Nicetomeetyou,Jack,”Isaythentakeastepback.“Sorryaboutscaringyou.I’mjustsoexcited,”I
mumble,slightlyembarrassedbymyoutburst.

Asherpullsmebackintohimandhisarmswraparoundme,hischinrestingontopofmyhead.Ifeel
hisbodyshakingwithsilentlaughterbehindme.“Ithinkhegotthat,baby.”

“Whatever,”Isayquietly,wonderingifitwouldberudetoelbowhiminhisribsinfrontofaguest.I
giveJackabigsmileafterIseehimshakinghishead.

“So,doyouguysknowthetypeofsetupyouwant?”Jackasks,lookingbetweenus.

“Um,ithastobechildproof,”Isay,rememberingAsher’spoolrequirement.

Jackseyebrowsshootup.“Youhavin’ababy,man?”heasksandIwonderifit’snormalinTennesseeto
askastrangerthatyou’regoingtobeworkingforsuchapersonalquestion.InNewYork,thatquestion
wouldsurelygetyoufired,maybeevenshot.

Ashermustfeelmegostill,becausehestartstalking.“MeandJackhavebeenfriendssincehighschool,
baby.Heusedtospendeverysummerbreakwithmyfamilyupatthecabin.Nowheownsthepooland
spacompanywithhisoldmananddoesjobsforuswhenwehaveaclientwhowantsapoolputinon
theirproperty.”

Inodmyhead,thinkingsomeoneshouldshootme.Asher’sfriend,andnotsomestranger,sawme
jumpingupanddownbeingadork.

“So,areyouhavin’ababy?”Jackasksagain.

“Notyet,”Ashersays,squeezingme.Idon’tknowifhiswordsorthelackofoxygenisresponsiblefor
thedizzinessI'mfeeling.

Jacknodshishead.“Alright,sotheonlyrequestyouhaveischildsafety?”heasks,lookingatme.

“Um…”Iknownothingaboutpoolsexcepthowtoswiminone.Thisisn’tasfunasIthoughtitwould
be.

“YouwantaJacuzzi,agrotto,adeepend?”heasks,lookingatmeexpectantly.

“Um,”Irepeat,feelinglikeanidiot.

“Yougotanybooksorpicturesofworkyou’vedonethatwecanlookatforideas?”AsherasksandI'm
thankfulthathe’ssmart.Isagintohimwithreliefandhekissesthetopofmyhead.

“Yeah,ofcourse.Let’sgotothetable.”

“Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink?”Iaskaswemakeourwayintothekitchen.

“Coffeewouldbegood,ifyougotit.”

“Ofcourse.”IpourhimacupofcoffeeandgetoneformeandAsheraswell.Isetoutsugarandcream
onthecounterthentakeaseatbetweenAsherandJack.

“Sothesearesomeofthepooldesignswedidlastyear.”Hepullsoutthreepictures.Thefirstonelooks
likeatropicalparadise.Ithastonsofflowersandplantsaroundit.Thepoolwasbrightbluewithsand
colorcementsurroundingit.Thesecondisaplain,beanshapedpoolwithanareaforchairsandatable.
Thethirdislargeandhastwoareasforsunbathing.IthadaJacuzzithatyoucouldgettofrominsidethe
poolbywalkingupasetofstairs,oryoucouldgettoitfromoutsidethepoolarea.Italsohadashallow
endthatyoucouldlayinandthewaterwouldonlybeaboutfiveinchesdeep.Ifyouhadkids,youcould
staywiththeminthatarea.

“Ilovethis.”Ipointtothethirdpicture.

“Ilikethis,”Ashersays,indicatingatthefirstpicture.

“Well,wecanincorporatewhatyoubothlikeintoyourpool.”

“Awesome,”Iwhisper.

“So,whencanyoustart?”Asherasks,andIturnmyheadsofastthatI'msurpriseditdoesn’tflyacross
thekitchen.

“Don’tyouthinkweshoulddiscussprice?”Iask.

“Youlikeit?”

“Uhyeah,”Isayinaduhtone.

“Sowe’regettingit.”

“Ilikethepool,babe,butIalsolikediamonds.Istillwouldn’tbuyonewithoutknowingtheprice,”I
sayquietly.

“Iwould,”Ashersayswithacompletelystraightface,causingmetodoadoubletake.

“Iguaranteethepriceiscompetitive,”Jackcutsin.“Andyou’regettingthefamilydiscount.”

“Oh...oh.”It’sallIcansay.

“So,whencanyoustart?”AsherasksagainandIshakemyhead.Idon’tthinkthatit’snormaltomake
thiskindofdecisioninlessthantwentyminutes.ThepricesofpoolinstallationsthatIsawinmy
researchonlineweretwentythousandormore.Thatseemslikealotofmoneytospendinjustby
lookingatthreepictures.

“Itshouldtakeaweekorsotogetthepermitthenwecanbreakground.Afterwestarttodig,itshould
takeaboutsixtoeightweekstofinish.Youguysshouldbeswimmingbythetimetheweatherreally
changes.”

“Wow,that’ssofast,”Isay,smilingatJack.Hesmilesandshakeshishead,lookingovermyshoulderat
Asher.

“Yougetit?”Jacksays,lookingatAsher.IlookatAsher,wonderingwhattheheckhe’stalkingabout.
Hepullsmecloseandkissesmytemple.

“Alright,man.Sendmetheblueprints,”Ashersays,standing.“Letmeknowwhenyougetthepermit
andaregonnabreakground.”

“I’llcallyoulaterthisweek,”Jacksays,puttingallofhisstuffbackinhisfolder.

“NextweekendisGran’sbirthday.Everyonewillbeexpectingyou.”Asherchangesthesubjectand
remindsJackoftheupcomingcelebration.

“I'mdrivingtoAtlantawithMegthisweek,butweshouldbebackintimeforthepartyunlessher
familyconvinceshertostickaroundthroughtheweekend.”

“Bringher.”

“What?”Jackasks,shovinghisfolderunderhisarmandwalkingtowardsthefrontdoor.

“BringMeg.”

“BringMeg?”Jackrepeats.

“Yeah,whynot?”Ashershrugslikeit’snobigdeal.

“YouhateMeg,”Jacksays,lookingatme.Ishrug.IhavenoideawhoMegisorwhatherhistoryis.

“No,IhatedthatMegwasafriendandshebelievedthebullshitthatbitchfedherabouthavingmy
child.Then,IwaspissedthatsheconfrontedmeinfrontofpeopleintownaboutabandoningJoanafter
Iknockedherupwithouteveraskingmeaboutitfirst.Totopitoff,shetoldJoanwhereIlived,so
whenIgothomefromapublicblowoutwithMegintown,IgottodealwithJoansittingonmyfront
porchwaitingforme.”Wow,Ididn’tlikeMegverymuchrightnoweither.Howcouldyouclaimthat
someoneisyourfriendthenbelieveastrangeroverthem?

“So,you’retellin’meyou’reoverthatshit?”Jackasks,lookinglikeheunderstandswhyAsherwas
mad.IthinkanyonewouldunderstandwhyAsherwasmad.

“No,I'mtellin’youthatIknowit’snoteasytochoosesides,andthatI'mwillingtoworkonmy
relationshipwithMegsoyoudon’thavetochoose.”

Jacklookedrelieved.Icouldunderstandthat.I'msureit’snoteasylovingtwopeoplewhodon’tget
along.“Okay.We’llbetherefortheparty,”hesays,openingthefrontdoor.“Itwasnicemeetingyou,
November.”

“Youtoo,”Isayasthedoorclosesbehindhim.

OnceAsherlocksthedoor,Iyell,“We’regettingapool!”AndIlaunchmyselfathim.

“No,I'mgettingsummersfullofyouinnothingbutabikini,”hesays,givingmethedimple.

“Ugh.”Iscrunchupmynose.“Ihaveneverwornabikini.”

“Well,you’renotgettinginthepoolwithoutone.”Helooksattheceiling,smilesthenlooksbackdown
atme.“Iwillmakeanexceptionforyouifyou’reinyourbirthdaysuit.”

“Ofcourse,youwill,”Isaysarcastically.“Howgenerousofyou.”Ishakemyhead.“Hey,whatareyou
doing?”Iscreechfrommynowupsidedownposition.

“I'mgoingtomakesureyourbirthdaysuitstillfits,baby.”

“Oh.”Ismileashecarriesmetothebedroomandshowsmehisbirthdaysuit.Let’sjustsaythathisfits
himperfectly.Ididn’taskhowminefit,butIdidnotethathewasn’tcomplaining.

Chapter10

Icouldn’tbelieveit.Ilookedatthecalendaragain,thinkingthatsomethinghadtobeseriouslywrong.
ButeverytimeIcounted,Icameupwiththesamething.Iwasnotonlylate,IwasL-A-T-E,asinthree
monthsofnoperiod.Iknewthatmypantswerefittingtighter,butIhadalsobeeneatinglikeapig.
NowIknewthereasonwhyIhadbeeneatinglikeapigandthereasonformytighteningclothes.IfI
wascorrect,Iwasthreemonthspregnant.

“Holyshit,”Iwhisperedintothetopofthedeskwheremyheadhadlandedwithaloudthud.Iwason
theshot.IhadbeenontheshotsinceIwassixteenandmymotherforcedmetogetonbirthcontrol.She
quicklyfoundoutIwasn’tveryresponsiblewithtakingthepill,soshemademynannytakemetothe
hospitalwheretheyofferedmedifferentformsofbirthcontrol.IchosetheshotonlybecauseInever
hadtothinkofitagainafterIgotit.Obviously,Ididn’tthinkaboutanything.Ididn’tthinkaboutthe
factthatIhadn’thadaperiodinthreemonths.Ididn’tthinkaboutmyclothesbecomingtighter.Ididn’t
thinkaboutfeelingtired.Ithoughtaboutnothing.IfIhadn’tbeenplanningongettingmyshot
prescriptionrefilled,Iwouldn’tofthoughtaboutthefactthatIhadn’thadmyperiod.Iwouldhave
endeduponthatshowwherethegirlsays,“Ididn’tknowIwaspregnantuntilIfeltthebabycoming
outofmyvagina.”Nowomanwantstothinkthatshe’ssooutoftunewithherbodythatshedoesn’t
realizethatanotherhumanisgrowinginsideofit.Istartedtolaugh,andthenasobcameout.

WhatwasAshergoingtothink?Seriously,wehadonlybeentogetherforafewmonths.Ineededtobuy
atest.Ineededproof.Iletmyheadthudonthedeskafewmoretimes,hopingthatitwouldputmy
braincellsbackinorder.IcalledAsherandtoldhimthatIwasleavingtheclub,gotinmycar,and
beganthemissionofgettingproof.

IcalledLiztogowithmetoTarget.Herjobwastoprovideadistractionifwecameacrossanyonethat
weknewwhileinthestore.Lordknows,ifanyonefromtownsawmebuyingapregnancytest,they
wouldassumethatIhadgottenknockeduponpurposeandrumorswouldrunrampant.

“So,you’relate?”Lizasks,lookingoveratme.

“Lateisanunderstatement,”Itellheraswewalkdowntheaisleofthestore.It’sironicthattampons
andpregnancytestsarelocatedinthesamesection.

“So,whatareyougoingtodoifit’spositive?”Sheholdsupabox,readingtheback.

“Idon’tknow,”Isayquietly.

“Well,youknowhelovesyousoI'msureeverythingwillbeokay.”Shegivesmeareassuringsmile.I
smilebackandpickoutatest.Ithoughtaboutputtingitinmypurseuntilwereachedcheckout,butI
reallydidn’twanttogetarrestedforshoplifting,soIputitundermyarm,tryingtohideit.Going
towardsthefrontofthestore,myworstfearisrealized.Trevorwalksaroundthecorner.

“Hey,sis,”hesays,tryingtogivemeahug,butthetestisstillundermyarmandIdon’twantittofall

out,soIhalfpathisback.“Liz,”hesays,smiling,andIwatchherfaceturnpink.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask,lookingaround,tryingtocomeupwithaplantoabortthemission.

“IcamewithCash.He’spickingupacableforhisTV.”HelooksbetweenmeandLiz.“Whatareyou
doinghere?”heasksandIlookatLiz,hopingthatshewouldthinkofsomethingsincemymindhas
goneblank.

“Tampons,”Lizblurts,andInoticeafewpeoplestopandlookatusasshecovershermouth.Trevor
seemstakenabackforasecondthenhelaughs,shakinghishead.

“Well,I’llletyouguysgetbacktothat.”Hebendsover,kissingmycheek,thenreachedoverandtugsa
pieceofLiz’shair.Withoutanotherlook,heturnsaroundandwalksaway.

“Tampons,”IhearLizwhispertoherself.Istartgiggling.“Youowemehugeforthis,”shesays,
groaning.AfterTrevorisoutofsight,IruntocheckoutwithLizfollowingbehindme.

“YouguardthedoorwhileItakethetest,”ItellLizwalkingintothesmallstall.

“Letmeknowifyouneedme,”shesaysfromtheotherside.

“Holyshit,”Iwhispered.Thereitis.TheproofIwantedisrightthereinblackandwhite.Okay,white
andpink,butitisthereinmyface,provingthatI'manidiot.I’vetakenfourtests,alldifferentbrands,
soIknowtheycouldn’tallbewrong.WhenIboughtthefirstoneanditcameoutwithagiantplussign,
IleftthestallthatIhadbeenholdingupin.WithLizfollowingbehindme,wewentandboughtwater
fromthecoffeeshopandafewmoretests.Nowallthetestshavebeentakenandtheyallsaythesame
thing.Ihadmyproof.Ishovetheboxesandallexceptoneofthetestsintothelittlegarbagecanthat
hangsonthewallinthebathroomstall.

“You’repregnant!”Lizsquealedwithexcitement.Iwanttobehappy,butI’mafraidaboutAsher’s
reaction.“Ihopeit’sagirl.Theyalwayshavesomanycutegirlthings.So,whatnow?”sheasks,
lookingatmeexpectantly.

“I…um,needtomakeadoctor’sappointment.Ineedtohavethemconfirmit.”

“I'mprettysurethatthefourtestsyou’vetakenconfirmit.”

“Iknow.Imean,Ineedthemtotellmethateverythingisokay,andthatIhaven’tharmedthebabyover
thelastfewmonths.”

Lizmusthavereadthelookonmyfacebecauseshepulledmeintoahug.“Hey,everythingisgoingto
workout,”shesaidquietly.

WedecidedtowanderaroundTarget.Ineededtimetothink.IneededtofigureoutwhattheheckIwas
goingtosaytoAsher.TherewasnowayIcouldkeepthisfromhim.Ididn’twanttokeepthisfrom
him.Iwantedhissupport.Ineededhimtotellmeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.

Bythetimewegottocheckout,thecartwasoverflowing.IknewhowIwasgoingtotellAsherthatI
waspregnant.Evenifwedidn’tplanthis,Iwantedittobespecial.Ialsoboughtafewpairsof

pregnancypantswiththestretchymaterialatthewaist.MyjeanswerebecomingsotightthatIhadto
liedowntobuttonthem.Ihadbeenavoidingbuyingabiggersize.Ididn’twanttoadmittogaining
weight.NowIknewIhadtowearsomethingbigger.Itcouldn’tbehealthyforthebabytobesquashed
insideofmelikethat.LizandIwalkedaroundthebabyaisleslookingatclothes,bedding,andtoys.
ThereweresomanycutethingsandLiz’sexcitementstartedtoruboffonme.

***************************

IwassittingattheislandinthekitchenwhenIheardAsher’sjeeppullup.Ihadbeentryingtoread,but
mymindwassobusygoingoveralltheoutcomesofthenewsIwasgettingreadytoannounce,thatI
endedupreadingthesamepageaboutfivetimesalready.TheminutethatAsherwalkedthroughthe
door,Iwantedtothrowup.Thathadneverhappenedbefore.Normallywhenhewalkedthroughthe
door,Iwantedthrowmyselfathim.Mystomachwasinknots,andIwashavingdifficulttime
breathing.

“Hey,baby,”hesaidashewalkedtome,kissingmyforehead.“What’swrong?”heasked,andIstarted
totellhim,butthenIsmellednothingbutthepaintthatwassplatteredonhisclothes.Irantothe
bathroom.Apparently,thebabydidn’tlikethatsmell.Myhairwasliftedoutofmyfaceandoffmy
neckandthenacoldclothwaslaidthere.“Feelbetter?”

Inodded,eventhoughIdidn’tfeelbetter.Mynerveswereshot.“Comeshowerwithme.”Hedidn’t
givemeachoice.Hepickedmeup,myheadlayingonhisshoulderandmyarmsgoingaroundhis
neck.Hesatmeonthevanityinourbathroomthenstartedtheshower.Ihoppedoffthecounterand
startedbrushingmyteeth,watchinghiminthemirrorashegotundressed.IknewIneededtodothis
nowbeforeIcompletelychickenedout,orendedupinanAsherfogwhereIwouldforgeteverything.

“I’llberightback,”Itoldhimandtookoffoutofthebathroombeforehecouldstopme.Iwenttothe
kitchenandpickeduptheboxthatIhadwrapped.Ishovedthetestthatwasinmypurseintheback
pocketofmyjeans.OnceIwasbackinthebathroom,heonlyhadonhisboxersandwasstandingin
frontofthemirror,soIhoppedbackuponthevanityandhandedhimthebox.

“What’sthis?”heasked,lookingattheboxthatwaswrappedinyellowpaper.

“Justopenit,”Isaidwithmystomachinmythroat.

Heunwrappeditthensetitdownonthecountertoopenthelid.Iwatchedhiseyebrowscometogether
inconfusion.Unlessherememberedtheconversationwehadaboutkids,hewouldn’tknowwhythere
wasaboxofTrojancondomsandalittlekid’spinkguninthebox.Hestaredintotheboxforwhat
seemedlikeaneternitythenhisheadcameupandhiseyeslookedwet.

“DoesthismeanwhatIthinkitmeans?”

Inoddedmyhead.Heswallowedandshookhishead.Ileanedforward,takingthetestoutofmyback
pocketandhandingittohim.Hishandcameup,hisfingerswrappingaroundit.Hisheadbentandthere
wasnowayforhimtomisinterpretthewordspregnantthatwereonthescreenofthetest.“Fuckme,”
hewhisperedandIcouldn’ttellwhathewasthinking.Hiseyeswerestilllockedonthetestinhishand.

“I'msorry,”Iwhisperedafterhestilldidn’tsayanything.“I'monbirthcontrol.Idon’tevenknowhow
thishappened.”Iwatchedhimdropthetestintotheboxandclosethelid.Iwasbecomingmore
nervous.Hedidn’tlookatme.Hehadn’tsaidanything.Hepickeduptheboxandleftthebathroom.I
knewitwastoosoon.Iknewit.Iknewit.OhGod,whatwasIgoingtodo?Iputmyheadinmyhands
andtriedtocontrolthetearsthatIknewwerecoming.Weneededtotalkaboutthis.Then,Ineededto
figureoutwhattodowithmyself.

Abortionwasoutofthequestion,andIcouldn’tlivemylifeknowingthatmychildwasoutintheworld
beingtakencareofbysomeoneelse.Ithadtobeokay.Wehadtobeokay.Thethoughtofbeingwithout
himmademesick.Ineededtopullupmybiggirlpantiesandtalktohimaboutthis.Ipulledmyhead
awayfrommyhandsandstartedtogetoffthecountertogotrackhimdown.Iwasstartingtoget
pissed.Hemarriedsomeonehedidn’tlovebecauseshesaidshewaspregnantwithhischild.Hetoldher
thatitwouldbeokay.Hewassupposedtoloveme.Heneededtotellmerightnowthatitwouldbe
okay,orIwasgoingtowalkaway,regardlessofhowbrokenmyheartwouldbe.

IjumpedbackwhenAsherwalkedbackintothebathroom.Hishandswenttomyshirtandthenitwas
gone.IwassosurprisedthatIcouldn’tformwords.Then,myjeanswerecomingdownandIwas
standinginmybraandpanties.

“Weneedtotalk,”Iwhispered,notknowingwhatthehellwasgoingonwithhim.Hisfacewasblank,
hiseyesdetermined.Then,mypantiesweregonealongwithmybra.Iwassittingbackonthevanity
beforeIevenhadtimetothink.“Whattheheckareyoudoing?”Ipushedathischest.Hegrabbedmy
hand,holdingitbetweenus.

“Seriously,youneedtostop.Weneedtotalkaboutthis.”Myvoicewasgettinglouder.Itriedtoshove
himagain.Hedidn’tmove.Myheartwasracing,mybreathingescalated.Inoticedthathewasn’teven
lookingatme.Hiseyeswereonmyhandthathewasholding.Ilookeddownandmybreathcaughtin
mythroat.Onmyleftringfingerwasabeautifuldiamondring.Thecenterstonewasroundand
surroundedbytonsofsmallerdiamondsthattraveleddownandaroundtheband.Myhandflexedinhis
andhefinallylookedatme.

Hisvoicewasgruffwhenhespoke.“I’vewantedtoseeyouwearingnothingbutmyringsinceIbought
itforyou.Knowingthat,liketheringIputonyourfinger,I'mtheonlyone.Theonlyonewhowillever
seeyouinnothingbutmyring.Theonlyonewhowillwakeuptoyourbeautifulfaceeverydayforthe
restofmylife.Theonlyonewhowillmakelovetoyou.Theonlyonewhowillmakebabieswithyou.”
Iwatchedhiseyesgetwet.“Ican’ttellyouhowhappyIamthatyouarecarryingmychild.”

Hisfacecameclosertomine.“Iknowthatit’sfast,butthisisright.Weareright.Youaretheonlyone
forme.”Hekissedmedeeply.Whenhepulledaway,helaidhisforeheadagainstmine.“Tellmethat
you’llmarryme,”hewhisperedagainstmymouth.

Tearsstartedtofallfrommyeyes.Icouldn’taskforamoreperfectproposal.“Yes.”Ishovedmyface
intohisthroat,wrappingmyselfaroundhim.“Yes,I’llmarryyou.”Hepickedmeup,carryingmeinto
theshower.Heputmeunderthespray,takinghistimetowashmyhair.Then,hetookhistimewashing
mefromheadtotoe,payingspecialattentiontowherehischildwasnowgrowing.Ihelpedhimwash,
andthenwegotout.Hewrappedmeinatowelandtiedonearoundhiswaist.Hepickedmeupagain,
carryingmetothebedwherehesatmeontheedge,myfeethangingovertheside.Hedroppedtohis

kneesinfrontofme.Heopenedmytowel,hisfingerstravelingdownthesidesofmybreastalongmy
ribsdowntomywaist.Hisfingersrestingonmysides,histhumbsmovingovermylowerstomach.His
eyesmetmineandthelookofpurelovethatIsawshiningmademeholdmybreath.

“Itamazing,”hewhispered,“toknowthatmypurposeinlifeissittinginfrontofme.”Hishandsmoved
toholdmyface.Holycrap,Ican’tbelievethathejustsaidthat.BeforeIcouldeventellhimIloved
him,hislipstouchedmine,traveledalongmyjawanddownmyneck.

Myhandsgotohisheadandminefallsback.Hishandsarealongmysides,tomythighsfirstup,then
down.Heatwaspoolingbetweenmythighswitheverytouch.Iwhimperedwhenhismouthfoundmy
nippleandhegaveitafirmtug.Thenhesuckeddeep.MybackarchedandImoanedloudly.Hishands
traveledupmyinnerthighs,hisfingersfindingmycenter.“Soaked.”Hisfingersmovingthroughthe
wetnesshewascreating,passingovermyclit.Ifelttheheatbuilding,butitwasn’tenough.

“Asher.”Iwhimpered.Hismouthleftmybreastandhepulledmyfacetohis.Hesuckedmybottomlip
intohismouth,draggingitthroughhisteeth.Mymouthopenedunderhis.Hisfingerswerestillslowly
slidingthroughmywetness.Twofingerswerefillingme.Myheadflewbackandmynailsdugintohis
scalp.

“Yes.”Hisfingersweresuddenlygone.MyheadcameupandIwatchedashepulledmyothernipple
intohismouth,bitdown,andthendraggeditthroughhisteeththesamewayhedidmylip.Hekissed
thetipofmynipple.Then,hisfingerswereagainmovingthroughthewetness.IknewIwasdrenched.
Helickeddownmystomacharoundmynavel.Finally,Icouldfeelhisbreathagainstmyclit.Ispread
mylegswider,notcaringthatIwasbecomingdesperate.

“Asher.”ImoanedasIwatchedhistonguelickingmefrombottomtotopthencirclingmyclit.Iwason
theedge.Iknewthatoncehismouthfocusedonthatonespot,Iwasgoingtoexplode.

“Jesus,isitpossiblethatyoutastesweeter?”Hegroaned,lickingmeagainandcirclingmyclit.Then,
hefilledmeagainwithtwofingersatthesametime.Helatchedontomyclit.Mywholebodycameoff
thebedwiththeforceofmyorgasm.Icouldfeelthewallsofmypussycontracting,suckinghisfingers
deeperashesuckedmyclit.Isawstars.Mythighstightenedaroundhisshoulders.Myhandswere
holdingontohishead.Hekissedmyinnerthigh,abovemypubicbone,alongmystomach,uptoeach
breast.Hishandsmovedundermyarms,pullingmedeeperontothebed.Oneofmylegswasstraight,
theotherbent,restingonthebackofhisthigh.Myhandswenttohisjaw.Hishandwrappedaroundhis
cockandhefilledme.

“Yes!”Imoaned,lovingthesensationofhimfillingme.Iopenedmyeyestoseehiswereclosedtight.I
circledmyhipsandhiseyesflewopen.

“Don’t.”Hisvoicewasfirm.Hegrabbedmyhips,stoppingmymovement.Hekissedmesoftlyand
pulledoutjustaninchandslidbackin.Ibitmyliptokeepmyselfstill.Hishandsmovedtomythighs
spreadingmylegswider.Hepulledoutsojustthetipwasstillin,andslammedinsohardthatmy
breathhitched.Then,heslidoutandstartedaslowpacewhilekissingme.Hishandswerepinchingmy
nipplesthentravelingdown,pressingagainstmyclit.Myhandsweretravelinguphisback,mymouth
andtonguekissingandlickingwhateverIcouldreach.ThenIfeltitstart.ItwasslowanddeepandI
knewthatIcouldn’tholdback.MymouthfoundhisandIheldhisfaceclosetomine.

Imoanedagainsthismouth.Mythighswrappedtighteraroundhim.“Pleasedon’tstop.”Hedidn’t.His
paceincreased,hisstrokesdeeper,andIfelthimgrow.Iknewhewasclosetoo.

“Comewithme,baby.”Hegrunted,onehandfistingintomyhairwhilehisotherwastravelingbetween
us,pinchingmyclitandsettingmeoff.Mywholebodytightenedaroundhim,pullinghimdeeperinside
ofme.Imoanedintohismouthashegroanedintomine.Icouldfeelhisstrokesstarttoslowandturn
lazy.Hekissedmeallovermyfaceanddownmyneck.“Igetthisforalifetime,”hewhisperedintothe
skinbelowmyear.

Itightenedmyarmsandlegsaroundhim.“Loveyou,babe,”Iwhisperagainsthisshoulder.Herollsto
theside,takingmewithhim.

“Loveyou,baby,”hesaysagainstmyhair.Closingmyeyes,Icuddledeeperintohischestandfall
asleep.Mystomachgrowlssoloudthatitwakesmefrommydoze.IcanfeelAsher’ssilentlaughter
againstmycheek.“Soundslikebothmybabiesarehungry.”

“Yeah,”Imumble.IknowIneedtoeat,butseeingtheexpanseofhischestinfrontofme,Ican’thelp
butwantsomethingelsethathasnothingtodowithfood.

I'mrolledtomybackandAsherishoveringoverme.Hiseyesarewatchinghishandtraveldownmy
throatbetweenmybreasts.“I'mexcitedforthesetogetbigger,”hesays,palmingbothmybreasts.

HesmilesupatmeandIshakemyheadandgiggle.Then,hishandstartstomoveagainandhestops
gentlyonmystomach,whichhasbecomeslightlyrounderoverthelastfewmonths.

“I'mgoingtobeadad.”Heshakeshisheadindisbelief.Hiseyesfocusonhishandsashegentlyrubs
mybelly.Then,hekissesmerightbelowmynavel.HiseyesmeetmineandIseenothingbutthesame
happinessIfeelreflectingbackatme.Themoodiscompletelybrokenwhenmystomachgivesanother
loudgrowl.Webothstartlaughing.

“Alright,Daddy’sgoingtofeedyou,”hesaysintomystomach.WegetoutofbedandIpullononeof
hisshirtsandapairofpanties.Hepullsonapairofbaggysweatsthathanglowandgivethemost
amazingviewofhisabs.Ihearhimclearhisthroat.Ilookupandhe’ssmiling.

“I'mgoingtowaddleandyou’regoingtowalkaroundlookinglikethat?”Myhandmovesupanddown,
indicatingeverythingthatishim.

“You’recarryingthelifewemadetogetherinsideofyou.Yourbodygrowingtotakecareofourchildis
amazing.Ican’twaittoseeyouwithabigbelly,”hesays.

“Iloveyou,”Iblurtout.“Imean,youalreadyknowthat,butI'mgladthatyou’rehappyaboutthis.”

“HappyisnotthewordIwouldusetodescribehowIfeel,baby.”

“Iknow,”Iwhisper.“Thisisbliss.”

“Yeah,”hesays,walkingtowardsme.“Thisisbliss.”Hishandsframemyfaceandhesoftlykissesmy
nosethenmylips.

***************************

Iwakeupfeelingthesunwarmtheskinofmyback.Lastnight,afterAsherfedmeatoastedpeanut
butterandjellysandwich,welayinbedandtalkedaboutthesexofthebaby.IsaidIwantedagirl.
Asherwasstillstuckonhavingaboyfirst.Really,Idon’tcarewhatIhaveaslongasheorsheis
healthy.Ismileintomypillow,thinkingabouttheringonmyfinger,thechildgrowinginsideofme,
andthemanwhoputbothofthemthere.Ipullmyhandoutfromundermypillowandholditupin
frontofmyface,watchingthelightreflectoffthegems.ThediamondsareshiningsobrightthatIcould
goblindbylookingatthem.

“Youawake,baby?”Iscreamandalmostfalloutofbedfromflippingoveratthesoundofhisvoice.
“Jesus,whatthefuck?”

“Youscaredthecrapoutofme.”Isay,holdingthesheettomychest.“Ithoughtyouwereworking
today?”Ilookattheclockandseethatit’stenthirty.

“Tookthedayoffsowecouldgotothedoctor.”

“Doctor?”Iask,confused.

“You’repregnantandneedtogetcheckedout.Yourappointmentisatone.”

“Oh…yeah,ofcourse.”Yikes,IknewIneededtogotothedoctor,buthadn’teventhoughtabout
callingtosetupanappointment.“Youjustbeatmetoit,”Isay,playingitoffandgrabbingtheshirtat
theendofthebed.

“Cometothekitchen.Imadeyousometea.”

“Tea?”Iaskindisgust.I'msuremyfaceshowshowrevoltedIamattheideaoftea.“Ionlydrinkteaif
I'msick,”Isay,shakingmyheadathim.

“Baby,you’repregnant.”

“Iknowthat.Itookfourtestsyesterdaytoproveit,”Isnap.First,heoffersmeteathenheremindsme
thatI'mpregnant.Seriously?

“Youcan’tdrinkcoffeewhenyou’repregnant,”hesayssoftly,andIrealizethatIjustsoundedlikea
totalbitch.Itmustbethehormones.

“That’snotfunny,Asher.”

“Baby,”hestartslaughing,“it’sthetruth.Nocoffeewhenyou’repregnant.”

“Isthatarule?Wheredidyouseethis?”Iask,startingtopanic.Thiscan’tbetrue.WhatwasIgoingto
doifIcouldn’tdrinkcoffee?

“It’sinthatbookthatyoubroughthomeyesterday.”

“DidyoucheckGoogle?”

“Baby,”hesaysagain,shakinghishead,andIcantellhe’sfightingasmile.“Wecanaskthedoctor
todayandseewhathesaysaboutit.Butfornow,comeeatsomethingsowecanshowerandgetready
togo.”

“Fine,”Igrumble,gettingoutofbed.OnceIatebreakfastandshoweredweheadedouttothedoctor’s
office.

“Well,thereyougo,”thedoctorsays,pointingatthescreenbesidemyhead.Wehadbeenatthe
doctor’sofficeforawhile.First,theyranaurinetesttoconfirmwhatIalreadyknew.Then,wehadto
waitfortheultrasoundmachinetofreeup.Now,Iamlookingandlisteningtoourbaby.Tearsstartto
poolinmyeyesfromtheoverwhelmingemotionsI’mfeeling.Icanseelittlearmsandlegsandthe
heartbeatissoloudinthebackground,itdrownsoutalltheothernoise.Asherissqueezingmyhandso
hardthatIlostthefeelinginmyfingers.Hehasalookofamazementonhisface.Hebendshishead
andkissesmynose,smiling.Thedoctortypessomeinformationintothecomputerthenclicksseveral
timesonthescreen.

“Fromthemeasurements,Iwouldsayyou’reaboutfifteenweeksalong,”hesays,lookingatme.I
immediatelyfeelguiltyfornotknowingsoonerthatIwaspregnant.

“Iseverythingokay?Imean,ishehealthy?”Asherasks.

“Everythinglooksperfect.”

“IwasontheshotandhadnoideaIwaspregnant,”Iblurt,notwantinghimtothinkthatI'mgoingtobe
ahorribleparent.

“YouwouldbeamazedatthenumberoftimesI’veheardthatstory.It’snotasuncommonassome
mightthink.”

“Really?”IwassogladIwasn’ttheonlyonethishadhappenedto.

“Really!”Hechuckles.

“You’refarenoughalongtoknowthesex,ifyouwouldliketofindout?”hesays,lookingbackatthe
screen.

“Um.”IbitemylipandlookatAsher.Henodshishead,soItakethatasayes.

“Yes,please.”

“Okay,let’shavealook,”thedoctorsays,movingthewandaroundabit.“Ihopeyoulikethecolor
pink.”Hesmiles.

“OhmyGod,”Iwhisper,lookingupatAsher’spaleface.“Babe,areyouokay?Youlooksick,”Isay,
tryingtositup.Ididn’texpectthisfromhim.Heseemedsoexcited.

Heswallowsandshakeshishead.“I'mhavingadaughter.”

“Yeah,”Isayslowly,hopingthatheisn’tgoingtostartfreakingout.Ineedhimtobetogether.Ididn’t
evenrememberthatIneededtomakeanappointment.Ididn’tknowthatIcouldn’tdrinkcoffeeuntilhe

toldme.Hehadtobetheonetoholdittogether.

“Lookatyou.”Hishandframesmyface,hiseyesroamalloverme.“Jesus,Godisfuckingplayinga
jokeonme.”

“What?”Iwhisper.

“You’resobeautiful.Iwasnotagoodguybeforeyou.Godisgettingeven.”

Ican’thelpit,Istartlaughing.Igrabhisfaceandlookintohisworriedeyes.“Honey,you’regoingto
beabletopickoutthebadboysfromamileaway.Shewillbeatotaldaddy’sgirl,andyouwillkeepher
safe.Iloveyou,okay?”

Hetakesadeepbreathandkissesme,bringinghishandtomystomachwhereweknowourdaughteris.
Hiseyescomebacktome.“Ikeepthinkingthatthisisallajoke,thatnooneshouldeverbethishappy.”

“Iknow.”Ilaugh,shakingmyhead.Itfeelsunreal.

“So,Ireadinthatbookthatyoushouldwaittotellpeopleuntilyou’retwelveweeks.We’repastthatso
whodowewanttotellfirst?”heaskswithasmile.

“Ms.Alice,”Isayrightaway.ShehasbeensohappysincemeandAshergottogether.Iknowthatshe
willbeexcitedtohearthatwe’rehavingababy.

AshersmilesandIknowthatIchosetherightperson.

**********************

Iwasstandinginfrontofthebarbecue.Ihadthelighterinmyhandandwasgettingreadytosetthe
stupidpregnancybookonfire.It’sbeenfourweekssincewewenttothedoctorandconfirmedthatI
waspregnant.Everyonehasbeensoexcited.WhenwetoldMs.Alicethatwewerehavingagirl,I
thoughtshewashavingaseizure.Shestartedjumpingaroundinherchair,clappingandmumbling
incoherently.ThenshetoldmethatIneededtogotoheroldhouseandpickupallthestuffforthe
baby’sroom.IlookedatAsherandheshruggedhisshoulders.

AfterweleftMs.Alice,wewenttomydad’shouseandtoldhimthathewasgoingtobeagrandfather.I
thinkhealmostfainted.Thenhecalledmygrandmother,uncles,andcousins,andhadeveryonecome
oversowecouldsharethenews.ForAsher’smom,Isentheradozenpinkballoonsandacardtelling
herthatshewasgoingtohaveagranddaughter.Whenshecalledmescreamingintothephone,Iknew
thatshewashappy.ShemadeuspromisenottotellJamesorherboysuntilthateveningatdinner.
WhenAsherstoodupatthetableandannouncedthathehad,ashesaid,knockedmeup,IthoughtI
wouldbebruisedfromtheamountofhugsIgotfromeveryone.Afterthat,thebookstartedtomake
appearanceslikeChucky.Twodaysafterdinnerwithhisfamily,wewenttoMs.Alice’shousetosee
whatshewastalkingabout.Wefoundabeautifulantiquebabybed,dresserandchangingtablethatshe
hadputupintheattic.Theyallneededtoberefinishedbutevenwiththepaintchippingandpeeling,I

couldtelltheywouldbebeautiful.ItoldAsherthatIwantedtorepaintthembuthe’dreadinthebook
thatstrongchemicalfumesweren’tgoodforthebaby.Buthepromisedtogethisbrotherstohelphim
refinishthemintime,soIagreedwithoutafight.Aweeklater,whenallofAsher’sextendedfamily
cameoverforabigbarbecuetocelebrateournews,Ihadbeengettingreadytodigintoadelicious
lookingtunasteak,whenitwastakenfromrightoutundermyfork.AshertoldmethatIwasn’tallowed
toeatitduetothemercuryinthemeat.Again,Iwasn’thappyaboutthis,butIwasn’tgoingtorisk
anythinghappeningtoourbaby,soIhadapieceofchickeninstead.

Lastweek,Ihadbeenoutsidelookingaroundtheareawheretheystarteddiggingforthepool,when
Asherranoutsidelikethehousewasonfire.Istumbledandalmostfellintotheholewhenhecaughtme
andmademegobackinside,sayingthattheyhadsprayedsomekindofchemicalintheareaandI
couldn’tbeinthebackyard.Onceagain,Iagreed,butwasnoticingthatthelistofthingsIcouldn’tdo
wasbecomingquitelong.Then,thismorning,Iwasonthephonewiththesalonintown,makingan
appointmenttogetmyhighlightstouchedupandtohaveamanicureandpedicure,whenthephonewas
yankedoutofmyhandandAsherproceededtotellthesalonthatIhadtowaituntilafterIhadthebaby
togetmyhairdone,butthatIcouldgetamanipedi.Thenhekissedmesenseless,andlefttheroom
beforeIcouldclearthefogandyellathim.Nowhewasoutsomewhereontheproperty,andIwason
thebackporchinfrontofthegrillwithalighterandthebookthatseemedtobetherootofallmy
problems.Iwasreadytokillhim.Ilovedhim,Iwasoverthemoonthathewashappyaboutthisbaby
andIknewthathemeantwell,butIswear,hewouldn’tbehappyunlessthedoctorputmeonbedrest
fortherestofmypregnancy.ThedoorbellchimesandIlookdownatthebook.Isighandput
everythingdown,planningoncomingbacktoitassoonasIgetridofwhoeverisatthedoor.

“Stay,”ItellBeastasIgointothehousethroughtheslidingdoor.Iwalkthroughthelivingroomand
lookedoutthepeephole.Ican’tbelievemyeyes.Howtheheckdidshefindme?Ilookedoutthepeep
holeagain,justtomakesurethatI’mnotseeingthings.Nope,notseeingthings.Mymotherisstanding
ontheothersideofthedoor.Igetoffmytiptoesandtakeastepawayfromthedoor.

"Who'satthedoor,baby?"Asherasksloudlyfrombehindme.Ijumpandspinaround,puttingafinger
tomylipsandusingtheuniversalsymbolfor‘bequiet.’

“Whoisit?”heasksagain.Thistime,hiseyesarenarrowed.Thedoorbellringsagainandmymom
yellsthroughthecloseddoor.

"Icanhearyouinthere."

"Crap,"Ihiss,glaringatAsherforblowingmycover.HewalkstothedoorandunlocksitbeforeIhave
achancetoblockitortacklehimtotheground.

"CanIhelp—"Asherstartstoaskbutmymomcutshimoff.

"Where’sNovember?"mymomsnaps.

Crap!Crap!Crap!

“Youare?”Asherasksinalowgrowl.

"Hermother."TheairchangesandIcanfeeltheangryenergybeatingagainstmyskinanditisall

comingfromAsher.

"Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?”heasksandIknowthisisgoingtogobadly.Ibendmyheadunder
Asher’sarmthatisholdingthedooropen.

"Mom,whatareyoudoinghere?"Isayandhereyescometome.

“I’vebeencallingyouandyouhaven’tanswered.”

“YoucametoTennesseebecauseIhaven'tansweredmyphone?”Iaskindisbelief.

“No,Icameherebecauseyourfiancé’sinthehospital,”shesaysandmyeyesnarrow.

“Herfiancéisstandingrightinfrontofyou.”Ashergrowled,takinghishandoffthedoorandpulling
meintohisside.

“HowdidyoufindoutwhereIlived?”Iask,completelyignoringthefactthatshesaidmyexwasinthe
hospital.Ihopethatheisn’tgoingtodieoranything,butI’mnotgoingtogotoNewYorktositathis
bedside.

“Theboyfromthelawyer’sofficetoldme.”

ShelookedupatAsherwhenhisvoicerumbled.“Nick?”Mymomnodded.“I'mgoingtofuckingkill
him.”Asherwaspissed.

“I'mhermother.Whywouldn’thetellmewhereshelived?”shesnaps,lookingatAsherthenbackat
me.“Whyhaven’tyoureturnedanyofmycalls?”

“ThelasttimeIsawyou,Mom,youmadeitclearthatyouwerenotinterestedinhavingarelationship
withme.”

“You’remydaughter.”

“Yes,andyouhaveneveractedlikemymother.”Whattheheckisgoingon?IfeellikeI’minthe
twilightzonewhenIseetearsforminhereyes.

“I’vebeenworried.”Myeyesnarrow.

“What’sreallygoingon?”Justthen,mycellphoneringsinthekitchen.IlookupatAsherinasilent
pleaforhimtonotletherin.HenodsandIhopethatweareonthesamewavelength.Iwalktothe
kitchenandpickupmyphone,seeingthatitisMr.Stevenson.

“Hello,”Ianswer.

“November,thisisTomStevenson.”

“Hi,Mr.Stevenson.Howareyou?”

“Couldbebetter,darlin’.”

“Um,sorrytohearthat,”Imumble,lookingtowardthefrontdoortomakesureAsherhasn’tletmy

momin.

“Sorrytodothis,butsomethingjustcameupandI'mleavingmyofficeintwentyminutes.Ifyoucan
comenow,Iwillputthroughthetransfer.Ifnot,we’regoingtohavetoreschedulefortomorrow.”

“I'msorry,butIhavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isay,confused.

“LikeIexplainedtoyourmotherthismorning,Iknowthatyoursignatureisonthetransferpapers,butI
oranotarypublichastowitnessyousigningthedocuments.”

“What?”Iwhisper.

“Theyhaveyoursignature,butfromyourtone,Itakeitthatyoudidn’tknow.”

“No,”Iwhisperagain,movingdownthehallsoIcantalkwithoutmymotherknowing.“Yousaidthey
havemysignature?”Iask,makingsureIheardhimcorrectly.

“Yes.”HepausesandIcanhearpapersshufflinginthebackground.“IdoublecheckedwhenIgotthe
papers.”

“OhmyGod,”Imumbleintothephone,realizingwhymymotherisreallyhere.“She’shererightnow,”
Isayquietly,moretomyselfthantoMr.Stevenson.

“She’satyourhouse?”

“Yes,”Iwhisper.

“I'mcallingJames.Keepherthere,”hesays,hangingup.

“Okay,”Isaytodeadaironthephone.Ilookdownthehall,tryingtocomeupwithaplantokeepmy
momhereuntilAsher’sdadarrives.Iconsidergoingoutsideandslashinghertires,butfigurethatmight
bealittleextreme.Then,IthoughtaboutsickingBeastonher,butifshehurtmydog,Iwouldbereally
upset.So,afterafewmorenonoptionspassedthroughmyhead,Idecidetojustinviteherinandask
herifshewouldlikesomethingtodrink.Ileavethehallway.

WhenIreachthekitchen,IcanseeovertheIslandthatAsherissittingonthecouchwithhishands
restingontopofhishead.Mymomissittingonthecoffeetableinfrontofhim.“Iguessweweren’ton
thesamewavelengthafterall,”Imumbletomyself.Asher’seyescometomeassoonasmyfeethitthe
tilefloorinthekitchen.Heshakeshishead.Inarrowmyeyes.Mymomlooksatme,smiles,andIsee
shehasaguninherhandpointedatAsher.

“Whatareyoudoing?”IscreamasIstartrunningintothelivingroom.

“Don’tcomeanycloserorI’llshoothim,”shesaysandIstopattheedgeofthelivingroom.Myheart
ispoundingasifit’sgoingtojumpoutofmychest.IlookatAsher.Hiseyesareonmeandhelooks
worried.Hiseyesdroptomystomachandtheyclose,butnotbeforeIseepainflashacrossthem.

“AsIwastellingyourboyfriendhere—”

“Fiancé.”Ashergrowls,glaringatmymom.Ialmostlaugh.Onlyhewouldstopacrazypersonwitha

guntoclarifyourrelationshipstatus.

“AsIwastellingyourfiancé,”mymomsays,glaringbackatAsher.ThenshelookstowhereI'm
standing.“Youneedtocomewithme.”

“Where?”IaskeventhoughIknowwhereshewantsustogo.Ijustneedtostallfortime.

“You’llsee,”shesays,standing.“Beforewegothough,youneedtotiehimup.Idon’tneedhim
comingafterus.”Shepullssomeropeoutofherbag.“Thiswasforyou,butitlookslikewe’regoingto
useitonhiminstead,”shesays,throwingtheropeatme.IcatchitmidairandlookatAsher,tryingto
findawaytogetoutofthis.“Comeon,comeon.Wedon’thaveallday.”Shemotionstohimwithher
gun.IwalkslowlytowardsAsher.Idon’twanttodothis.Tearsstarttofillmyeyes.Ican’ttiehimup.

Ishakemyhead.“Ican’t.”Isobbed,stoppingafewfeetfromwherehe’ssitting.

“EitheryoutiehimuporI’llshoothim.”

Istartedsobbing.Mybreathhitches.“Baby,”Asherwhispers,hishandsstarttocometowardsme.The
gungoesoff.“KeepyourhandswhereIcanseethem,”mymomyellsasIscream.Asherplacedhis
handsbackonhisheadwithalookofpurerageonhisface.

“Tiehishandsbehindhisbackandtohisankles.DoitnoworIshoothim.”

“I'msosorry,”IcryasAsherplaceshishandsbehindhisback.

“Bestrong,baby,forbothofus,”hewhispers,andIknowhe’stalkingaboutourdaughter.

“Iwill,Ipromise,”Iwhisper.Idon’twanthertoknowthatI'mpregnant.ThedayIstartedwearingthe
pregnancypantsIboughtfromTarget,mybabybumpshowedup.Normally,Iwouldwearsomething
moreformfittingtoshowitoff.Thankfully,todayIhaveonanoversizedteeandleggingsbecausewe
wereloungingaroundthehouse.Iworkedontyinghisarmsbehindhisbackthenhelaywithhischest
tothecouchandItiedhishandstohisankles.Iamgladthathehasonsweatsandalongsleeveshirtso
theropedoesn’trubhisskin.WhenIfinish,mymomwalksovertothecouchandteststheknotItied.

“Let’sgo,”shesays,wavingtheguninthedirectionofthedoor.Mybrainstartstopanic.Asher’shouse
isinthecountry.Whoknowswherehisdadisoranyoftheotherofficersthatworkinthearea.Ihave
noideahowlongitwouldtakeuntilsomeoneshowsup,butIcanhearBeastscratchingattheback
door,tryingtogetin.IwishthatIwouldn’thavelockedhimoutthere.“Comeon.Weneedtogo.You
alreadyheldmeupbynotrunningtothecarwhenItoldyouChriswasinthehospital.”

“Ineedshoes,”Itellher,hopingthatitwillbuymesometime.

“Isawflip-flopsoutsidethefrontdoor.Youcanwearthose.”

“Whatarewegoingtobedoing?”

“I'mnotgoingtotellyouagain.Getinthecar.”

“Okay,”Isaycalmly.Icouldtellthatshewasstartingtopanic.WewalkoutsideandBeastrunsaround
thecornerofthehouse.Hejumpsthroughtheair,landingrightinthemiddleofmymom’schest.The

guninherhandwentoffrightbeforeitflewthroughtheair.

“Holycrap,”Iyell,runningforthegun.MymomisyellingforBeasttogetoffher.Ifalltotheground,
landingonmyhip.Ifeelpainshootupmyside.I’vegotmyfingeraroundthetriggerofthegunjustin
timetoseemymomgrabaholdofBeast’smouthandstarttopullhisjawapart.“Letgoofmyfucking
dog!”Iscreamatthetopofmylungswhiletryingtostand.Iaimawarningshotnearwheresheislying
ontheground.Herhandsflyaboveherhead.Beaststandsaboveher,growlingdownintoherface.

“November!”Asheryellsfrominsidethehouse.IcanheartheworryinhisvoiceandIknowthathe
wantsmeinthere,butIcan’tleavemymomaloneuntilAsher’sdadshowsup.

“I'mokay!We’reokay!”Iyellback,takingashakybreath.Thesoundofacarcomingupthedriveis
musictomyears.IwatchedMr.Jamespulloverthehillinhispolicecruiser,andforthefirsttimesince
mymomshowedup,Icanfeelthatknotinmystomachdisappear.

“No,No,No,No,”shestartschanting,herheadthrashingbackandforthontheground.Icanhear
AsheryellingfrominsidethehouseandknowthatIneedtogotohim.

“Areyouokay?”Mr.Jamesasks,runningupwithhisgundrawnandpointedatmymom.

“Yeah,”Isayshakily.“Asher’sinside.He’stiedup.Shemademetiehimup,”Icry.Theguninmy
handstartsshaking.Itfeelslikeitweighsahundredpounds.

Mr.James’faceissoftandfullofworrywhenheholdsouthishandtome.“Givemethegun,darlin’,
andgountiemyboy,”hesaysquietly.Ihandhimthegunandstartstumblingmywayintothehouse.
MyhipiskillingmefromwhereIfellonit.IopenthedoorandseeAsheronhisknees.Hehasgotten
theropeoffofoneofhisankles.Hiseyescometomeandhefallsbackwardsontothefloor.

“Fuck,”heroarsandIrunovertohim.IrealizeitwouldbeeasiertountiehimifIhadaknife,soI
stumbleintothekitchenthenbacktohim.HerollstohissideandIcuttheropearoundhiswrist.Before
Icandoanythingelse,hisarmsarearoundme.Ididn’tevenrealizethatI’mcryinguntilhestarts
wipingawaythetearsrunningdownmyface.“Breathe,baby,”hewhispers,rockingmebackandforth.
Onehandisonthebackofmyhead,holdingmetohischest,andtheotherisonmystomachwhereour
daughteris.

“I—was—s-s-soscared.”Isob.“Be...Beeasstsavedmeagain.”

“Shhhh,it’sokay.You’resafe.”Herepeatsthosewordsoverandoverintomyear.

ItakemyfaceoutofAsher’schestasMr.Jameswalksinwithanotherofficer.“Wehaveherinth—”
Helooksdownatusandhisfacepales.“Callafuckingambulance!”heshoutsoverhisshoulder.Ilook
downandseethatAsher’ssweatshavebloodonthem.

“OhmyGod!”Icry.“You’rebleeding.”Itrytogetup.Asher’sfaceisaswhiteasaghostandhestarts
shakinghishead,pullingmecloser.“Letmego.Wehavetoseewhereyou’rehurt.”

“Notme,it’snotme.”Hisfaceisetchedinworry.HepicksmeupandIstarttosquirm.ThenIrealizeI
feelwetbetweenmylegs.

“No,”Iwhisper,lookingatAsher.“No,”Irepeat,begginghimtotellmethatthisisnothappening.That
I'mnotbleeding.

“I'mtakinghertothehospital.ItwillbefasterifIdriveher,”hesaystohisdad,butitfeelslikea
dream.Thiscannotbehappening.

“I'mdriving.Getherinthecruiser,”Mr.Jamessaysquietly.IfeelusmovingbutI'mnumb.Notears,
nothing.Idon’tevenknowifI'mbreathing.AllIcanthinkaboutisourdaughter.

Ihearthesoundofbeeping.Myeyesflutteropen.Icanseethewhiteofthehospitalceilingand
everythingthathappenedyesterdaycomesbacktome.WhenIgothere,mydadandgrandmother
arrivedtenminuteslater.Hewasreadytogodowntothelocaljailandkillmymother.Mycousinsand
unclehadtophysicallyrestrainhimsohedidn’tgetarrested.Thepolicestillhadtocomeintotakeour
statements,butfromwhatIunderstandfromAsher’sdad,mymomhadbeentryingtofindawaytoget
themoneymygrandparentsleftforaverylongtime.Myex-fiancéwasherboytoylongbeforeImet
him.Shesaidtheyhadbeensleepingtogetherfortwoyearswhenshecameupwiththeplanthathe
woulddateme,getmetofallinlovewithhim,askmetomarryhim,thensomethingelse.Shedidn’t
saywhatthatsomethingwas,butitwouldhappentome.Hewouldgetthemoneyandtheywouldstart
alifetogether.Unfortunatelyforher,thatplanfellthroughwhenIfoundouttheyweresleeping
together.

Apparently,mygrandparentsleftstrictinstructionsthat,ifIwastodiebeforeIhadanyheirs,the
moneywastobedonatedtodifferentcharitableorganizations.Mymotherhadbeenschemingforalong
timetryingtogetmeoutoftheway.Iguessshewasonarollduringherquestioning,andtoldthe
policethatshesetuptheattackthathappenedtomeinNewYorkwiththehopesthatIwouldbeleftin
acomawhenitcametimeformetoreceivemyinheritance.

ShefiguredthatifIwasinacoma,shewouldautomaticallybegrantedpowerofattorneyandwould
haveaccesstothemoneywhenitbecameavailable.Thenshecouldtransferittoherself.Shealso
admittedthatshesenttheflowerstomeandpaidthekidwhodroppedthemoffafewhundreddollarsto
getmysignatureonthetransferpapersthatshetooktothelawyer.

ImovemyheadtothesideandlookovertowhereAsherisasleep.Healwayslookspeacefulinhis
sleep.Hismombroughthimanotherpairofsweatsyesterdaywhensheshowedup,sohecouldgetout
oftheone’sthatwerecoveredinmyblood.Hisankleiscrossedoverhisfleececoveredknee.Hehason
ablackthermalthatissotight,Icanmakeouteverydetailofhischest.Hishandsareintertwinedand
layingonhisabs.Hissleevesarepushedup,thetattoosonhisarmonfulldisplay.Hisjawisdarker
thannormal.Henevershavesovertheweekends.Heworkedfromhomeyesterday,sohe’sextra
scruffy.

Overthelastfewweeks,hisskinhasturnedthecolorofcaramelfromworkingoutinthesun.Ibetalot
ofwomendrivebyhisjobsitesjusttoseehimwithouthisshirton.Iknowhetakesitofftowork,at
least,occasionally.Histaniseverywhere.He’salwaysbeautiful,butasleep,he’sstunning.IwonderifI
willevergettiredoflookingathim.

Myhandabsentlymovestomystomach.WhenIfeelaslightflutter,Isayasilentprayerthatmy
daughterisokay.TheywereworriedyesterdaywhentheysawhowmuchbloodIlost.Afterlotsof

tests,thedoctorfoundoutthatmycervixwasbleedingduetothewayIfellwhenIwentforthegun.
WhenIcontinuedtobleed,theydecidedtokeepmeovernightformonitoringandputmeonbedrestfor
afewweeks.Thismorningwhentheycametocheckonme,thebleedinghadstoppedandherheartbeat
wasstronger.ThenightdoctorsaidthateverythingshouldbefineaslongasIdon’tpushit.Healsotold
methatIcouldbereleasedassoonasmydoctorshoweduptosignmeout.

“Youawake?”AsheraskssoftlyandIsmile.

“Yeah,”Isay,lookingoverathim.Hiseyeshavedarkcirclesunderthemfrombeingawakemostofthe
night,harassinganyonewhocameintotheroomwithamillionandonequestions.

“Howareyoufeeling?”heasks,sittingupandplacinghishandovermine.

“Better.Tired,butmuchbetter.”

“Good.”Hesmilesandkissesmyhand.

“Whydon’tyougogetacoffee?”Iaskhim.

“Nah,I'mgood.”

“Babe,seriously,youlookexhausted.Gogetacoffee,walkaround,andseeifyoucantrackdownmy
doctor.ThisbedisreallyuncomfortableandIwouldliketogohome.”

“Idon’tknow.Wedon’thavethatmachineatthehouse,”hesays,pointingatthemonitorforour
daughter’sheartbeat.Ilookoveratthemachineandwatchasherheartbeatthumpsaway.Then,Ilook
backathimandcantellthathe’sstillworried.

“Thedoctorwon’tletmeleaveifhethinksit’stoorisky,”Itellhimsoftly.

“Iknow,baby,”hesays,bringingmyhandtohismouthandholdingitthereafterkissingmyfingers.“I
couldhavelostyoubothyesterday,”hesayssoquietlythatIalmostdon’thearhim.

“Youdidn’t.We’rehereandwe’resafe.”

“WhenIheardthatgungooffoutside,Ithoughtthatmylifehadended.IthoughtIwasnevergoingto
seeyourfaceagain,orbeabletoseeourdaughtertakeherfirstbreath.AndIknewIwouldn’tbeable
tosurvivewithoutyouherewithme.Iwouldtakemylifeinordertogowhereveryouwere.”

“Don’tsaythat.”Iwhimpered,shakingmyhead.“Don’teversaythat.”

“It’sthetruth.”

“No,it’sselfish,”Icry.“Otherpeopleloveyouandcountonyou,notjustme.Nomatterwhathappens
tome,promisethatyouwillnevergiveuponlife.Thatyouwillalwaysfighttobehappy.I'mnotyour
onlyhappiness.”

“No,you’remybliss,”hesays,smiling,butIcan’tsmileback.Thisistooserious.

“Promisemethatyouwillnevergiveuponlife,nomatterwhat,Asher.Promisemerightnow,because

wehaveadaughterthatisgoingtoneedyounomatterwhathappenstome.”Hiseyeslooksolost,butI
won’tlethimsaystupidthingslikethat.Iwouldn’tbehappywithouthimeither,butIwouldstillfight
tolivebecauseIknowhewouldwantthatforme.“Wouldyouwantmetofollowyou?”Iaskquietly,
knowingtheanswer.

“No.”

“Sodon’tsaythingslikethat,”Ibeg.

“I'msorry,baby,”hesays,pullingmeintohisarms.“Ijustdon’tknowwhatIwoulddo.”

“Youdon’thavetoworryaboutit.We’rehereandwe’resafe.Justpromisethatnomatterwhat,you
won’tleaveourdaughterbehindifsomethinghappenstome.”Istarttocryuncontrollably.

“Ipromise,”hefinallysays,andIcurlintohissideandfallasleep.

I'msittinginmyhospitalbedwaitingformydoctortoshowupanddischargemeafterhedecidedto
keepmeforonemorenight.AsherwenttothehousetogetmesomethingtowearandtodropoffBeast.
Ihearthedooropenandlookup.

“November?”Chrisisstandingatthedoorofmyhospitalroom.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask,scootingbackinthebed.

“Iheardyouwereinthehospital.Iwantedtocheckonyou.”

“WhotoldyouIwasinthehospital?”Hedoesn’tanswer,butwalksintotheroom,shuttingthedoor
behindhim.Ipressthecallbuttonforthenurse.

“Youweresupposedtocomebacktome,”hesays,lookingsad.

“Yousleptwithmymom.”Iwillneverforgetthat.Seeingthemtogetherwasburnedintomybrain
forever.

“Yes,andI'msorryaboutthat,butonceIstartedtofallinlovewithyou,Ileftyoucluessothatyou
wouldcatchus.”

“What?”

“Iwantedtohaveacleanstartwithyou.Ijustdidn’tknowthatafteryoucaughtus,youwouldignore
mecompletely.”

“Irepeat:Yousleptwithmymom.That’snotsomethingthatiseasytoforget.”

“Iknow,”hewhispers,lookingathisshoes.

“Thepolicearelookingforyou,”Itellhimandpraythatoneofthenursescomesinsoon.

“Ididn’tknowabouttheattackinNewYork.Ididn’tknowshewasgoingtodothattoyou,”hesaysthe
wordsquickly.

“Okay,”Isay.Mypulsespeedsupwhenhelooksatmeagain.

“I’vebeenwatchingher.”Helooksaround.“She’sbeenintownforawhilenow.Iwantedtowarnyou.
ItriedtoscareyouintogoingbacktoNewYork,butinsteadyoudecidedtostayherewiththatguy.”

“Howdidyoutrytoscareme?”

“Brokeintoyourapartmentandleftyounotes.”

“Thepoetry?”Iask,justtoclarify.

Henods,lookingaroundagain.“Weneedtoleavesoon.”

“No,youneedtoleave.”

“Ican’tleavewithoutyou.”

“Ithinkthatyouneedhelp,”Isay,asIseeKentonlookingthroughthecrackinthedoor.

“Iloveyou.Weweregettingmarried.”

“Pleasejustleave.I'mhappy.Can’tyoubehappyforme?”

“Weren’twehappy?”heasks.

Ishakemyhead.“Chris,”Isaysoftly,“wewerealiethatyouandmymothercookedup.Youweremy
firsteverything,anditwasallaliesoyoubothcouldcollectmoneythatIdidn’tevenknowIwasgoing
toreceive.”

Hiseyescloselikehe’sinpain,hisheadtiltstowardtheceiling.Iwatchoutofthecornerofmyeyeas
Kentonstepsintotheroom,gundrawn.

“Ilovedyouthough.”

“Loveisn’tlikethat,Chris.I'msorry.Ihopeyougethelpsothatonedayyouwillknowwhatloveis
butthatisn’tlove.”

HiseyesmeetmineandIcanseethesadnessinthem.

“Iwantyoutoputyourhandsonyourheadandturnaroundslowly,”Kentonsays.Chris’sheadswings
inhisdirection.WhenheregisterstheguninChris’shand,Kenton’shandsgotohishead.Thenhis
gazecomesbacktome.

“I'msorry.”

InodmyheadandwatchKentonpullcuffsoutofhispocketandattachthemtoChris’swrist.

“Whatthefuck?”Asher’svoicecracksthroughtheroomlikethunder.Helooksmeoverthentakesa
steptowardsChris.Kentonblockshim.

“Seetoyourgirl,”Kentonsaysquietly.Icantellthathe’shavingahardtimenotbeatingthecrapoutof

someone.Ithinkanyonewoulddoforhimrightnowaftereverythingthathappenedyesterday.Me
beingindangertodayisplayinghavocwithhim.

“Areyouokay,baby?”heasks,takingasteptowardsme.

“Yeah.”Inodmyheadashepullsmeintohisarms.“It’sover,”Iwhisperintohischest.

“Yeah,”heagrees.

Epilogue

“Again,again!”EmmascreamsasAsherpicksherupagain,tossingherthroughtheairandintothe
pool.He’sbeendoingthesamethingforthelasttenminutes.Ilookaroundforsomeonetohelpmeat
eightandahalfmonthspregnant.It’shardtogetmyassoutofourloungechairsunlessIrollout,geton
myhandsandkneesthenstand.Therearetoomanypeoplearoundformetodothattodaywithout
reallyembarrassingmyself.

“Needsomehelp?”IlookuptoseeKentonstandingoverme.

“God,yes.”Imoan.“Iswear,thislittlegirlisgoingtobeadancer,”Itellhimandwatchashesmiles.

“Thepoolturnedoutawesome,”hesaysoncehepullsmeup.Ilookaround.Heisnotwrong.Thepool
isamazing.Ithasahottubthatisconnectedtoit,alongwithsomanyflowersandplantsthatyouwould
thinkwewereinthejungle.

“Yeah,Jackdidanamazingjob,”Isayandlookoverathim.“So,whereisChristenorTinaorLisaor
—”

“Veryfunny,”hesays,cuttingmeoff.

IstarttogiggleandfeelmybellybouncingwithmylaughterthenIfeelakickthat’ssohard,Istop
immediatelyandgrabKenton’shandandpullittowardsmybelly.

“What?”hestarted.Then,hiseyesgetbiganddroptomystomach.“Holyshit!”

“Yeah,nowimaginethatonyourbladder.”Ilaugh.

“That’ssoamazing,”hesaysandhishandstartstorubmybelly.

“Now,Iknowthatit’sobviousbythehugeringonherfingerthatshe’staken,butifyouhappenedto
missthat,youdefinitelycan’tmissthefactthatshe’sobviouslypregnant.”

IlaughandseeKentonlookingatAsherwithsomethingthatlooksalotlikeenvyinhiseyes.Iknowhe
doesn’twantme,butIthinkdeepdownhewantshisownfamily.

“Yeah,boththosearehardtomiss,”hesays,smiling.

“How’sitgoing,man?”Asheraskshimwhilepullingmeintohim.

“Good.Busy.I'mseeingsomeoneandthingsaregood.”

“Justonesomeone?”Iask,knowinghishistory.SinceI’vebeenaround,therehasbeensomeone
differentateachevent.

“Yeah,justone.”Hesmilesandshakeshishead.

“That’sgreat,”Iwhisper,layingmyheadonAsher’schest.Hedoesn’tlooklikesomeoneinlove
though,soIwonderifhe’sjusttryingtosettledownbecauseheislonely.“Youshouldinvitehernext
timeweallgettogether.”

“Baby,leavethemanalone.Hejustsaidhe’sseeingsomeone,notthatheispickingoutaring.”

Iscrunchupmynoseatmyhusband.“Fine,”Igrumble.Hiseyesgosoftandheputshismouthtomine.
Thekississweetandsoft.“I'mgoinginsidethenI'mgoingtovisitMs.Alice,”Iwhisper,bitinghis
lowerlip.

Once,I'mdoneinthebathroom,ItrackdownMs.Alice.She’ssittinginthebaby’sroom.Itwas
finishedyesterdaywiththehelpofNico,CashandTrevor.Theywereovermostofthenight,laying
carpetandtouchingupthewalls.Ilookaroundandcanseeallthelovethatwentintomakingthisroom
specialforourdaughter.Iknowthatshe’sgoingtohavemorelovethanshewillknowwhattodowith.

“It’ssobeautiful,”Ms.AlicesaysandIagree.Itisbeautiful.Thewallsareaverylightbluewith
flowersthatshootupfromthebasewithcloudsandbutterflies.MegandLizspentaweekcomingover
everydaywhentheygotoffworktopainteveryflowerandbutterflyonthewalls.Asherandhis
brotherssandeddowneverypieceoffurniturethatwepickedupfromMs.Aliceandstainedthewooda
darkbrown.Thebeddingisaquiltwithpinkandwhitecheckers.Itlookslikeafairytalebabyroom.I
think,whatreallymeansthemostisthateveryonehelpedmakeitbeautiful.“YouknowthatIneverhad
agirlandAsher’smamadidn’thaveagirleither.”

“Iknow,”Isaysoftly.

“I'mexcitedthatthishouseisgoingtohavealittlegirlinit.Ithinkallthoseboysneededthis.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Oh,sweetgirl.They’veneverreallybeenaroundlittlegirlstoknowhowprecioustheyare.Ithink
whenthislittleonecomes,she’sgoingtoturntheirlivesupsidedown,andtheyallneedit.Eachoneof
themneedstoseethatallwomenwereoncepreciouslittlegirls.”

“You’reright,”Iagreequietly.“ButIthinktheyallknowhowpreciouswomenarefromyouandSusan.
They’rejustwaitingfortherightwomantocomealongandshowthemhowprecioustheyare.”

Shesmilesandpatsmycheek.“Smartgirl.”Ilaugh.

“Well,”Isay,kissinghercheek,“I'mgoingtogofindmyhusband.”

“Areyouevergoingtohavearealwedding?”

“Idon’tknow.”Ihonestyhaven’tthoughtaboutit.AfterIgotoutofthehospital,meandAsherwent
righttothecourthouseandgotamarriagelicense.Iwaswearingsweatsandsneakersandsowas
Asher.Wejustwantedtobemarried.Theweddingdidn’tmattertome.“Maybe,afterthebabygets
here,wecanhaveasmallceremony.”

“Thatwouldbenice.Shecanbetheflowergirl.”

“YeahandBeastcanbetheringbearer,”Isay,laughing.“Maybemeandyoucanstartplanning
somethingsmall.I'msureMamaSusanwouldliketohelp.”

“Iknowshethinksofyouasadaughterandwouldlovetohelpyou.Shoot,ifyoulether,shewould
probablytakeoverthewholethingforyou.”

“Imightjustletherdothat.”Ilaugh.

“Alright,gofindyourhusbandbeforehestartsrunningaroundthehouse,yellingforyouandscaringall
theguests.”

“I’llcomebackandcheckonyousoon.Doyouwantapieceofthebabyshowercake?”

“No,thanks.I'monadiet.”

“Oh,lord.”Irollmyeyes.

“Hey,there’sanewguythat’skindofcute.Ineedtowatchmygirlishfigure.”

“I'mleaving,”Isay,laughingandwalkingoutthedoor,tryingtogettheimageofMs.Aliceandaman,
anyman,outofmyhead.

“Hey,sis,you’releaking,”NicosaysandIlookdownatthewaterpitcherinmyhand.Idon’tseeit
leaking,butIdoseewaterrunningdownmylegsandontotheflooratmyfeet.Ilookbackatthe
pitcherthenbackatmyfeet,andthenIrealizethatit’stime.

“I...I'm,well,Ithinkmywaterbroke,”Itellhimandhelookslikehemayfallover.

“Yourwaterbroke?”Hestumblesback.

“Ohcrap!”Imumble.

“What’sgoingon?”Cashasks.

“MywaterbrokeandNicoisfreakingout,”Itellhim,wavingahandinfrontofNico’sface.ThenI
lookatCashandhelooksthesameashisbrother.“Comeon.Youcan’tbeserious?”Igroan.

“Iseverythingokay?”TrevorasksandIdon’teventellhim.What’sthepoint?He’sjustgoingtofreak
andIdon’thavetimetodealwiththem.

“Yourwaterbroke?”TrevorsaysfrombehindmeandInoticethathesoundsnormal,soIstopandlook
athim.

“Yes,andIneedtofindyourbrother.Willyouhelpmewithoutgoingcomatose?”

“Sure.”Heshrugslikeit’snobigdeal,andhisothertwobrothersaren’tstandingfourfeetawaystaring
intospace.Hegrabsmearoundthewaistthenslideshisarmundermythigh,liftingme.Iscreamand
holdontohisneckfordearlife.

“Icouldhavewalked,”Itellhim,diggingmynailsintohisback.

“Thiswouldbeeasierifyouwouldretractyourclawsthere,kitten.”

“Oh,sorry,”Imumble.

“Whatareyoudoing?Putherdown,”Ashersayswhenheseesuscomethroughthebackdoor.

“Herwaterbroke.I'mtakinghertothecar.”

“Yourwaterbroke?”heasksinthesametoneasNicoandCash.

“AsherJamesMayson,ifyoufreak,we’regoingtohavesomanyproblems,especiallyafteryoushoved
thatdamnbabybookdownmythroateverydayforthelastninemonths.Youknoweverythingthatis
goingtohappen.Youcannotbesurprisedbyanyofthis.”

“Youtriedtoburnit,”heremindsmeofmyfailure.Whenwefinallygothomefromthehospitalandthe
guyscameoverfordinnerthatweekend,theydecidedtogrillsteaksandfoundthebabybookstill
insidethegrill,safeandsound,notevenslightlydamagedbythehorriblerainsthatwehadfortwodays
before.Hebroughtthebookinside,setitattheisland,thenwentbackouttothegrill,neversayinga
wordaboutit.

“ThatbookislikethedamnChuckydoll,”IcomplainanddigmynailsintoTrevor’sneckagainwhen
thefirstcontractionhits.

“HolymotherofGod,thathurt!”Isay,breathingdeepandlookingatAsher.

“Gogetherstuff.I’lltakehertothecar,”Trevortellshim.

“Putmedown.”

“I'mtakingyoutothecar.”

“Putmedownrightnow!”Iyellandhesetsmeonthefloor.

“What’sgoingon?”Susanasks,walkingaroundthecornertothelivingroom.

“Mywaterbrokeandallofyoursons,exceptTrevor,turnedcomatoseatthementionofit.Ineedtoget
mybagandgettothehospital.”

“Howfarapartareyourcontractions?”

“Ijusthadmyfirstone,soIdon’treallyknow.Ihaven’ttimedthem.”

“Itwasoneminuteandfifty-sixsecondsago,”Trevorsays.Asherglaresathim.

IwalktothecouchandsitwhenIfeelanothercontractioncomingon.

“Well,they’relessthanthreeminutesapart.Wereallyneedtogettothehospital,”TrevorsaysandI'm
wonderingwhatthehellisgoingon.

Ilookupathimandheshrugs.“Thatbookhasbeenaroundalot,”hesays,pointingtoAsher.“He
carriesitwithhimeverywhere,eventojobsites.WhenIwasboredafewtimes,Ireadit.”

“Lord,saveme,”Isay,lookinguptotheceilingthenbacktoAsher,who’sstilljuststandingthere.

“Asher,unlessyouwantyourbrothertotakeoverforyou,pullittogether,”Itellhim,waddlingoutto
thecar.

Ninegruelinghourslater,JulyHeavenMayson,cameintothisworldscreaming.

Iwalkintothelivingroomandlookatthecouch.AsherislyingonhisbackwithJulylyinginjusta
diaperagainsthisbarechest.Oneofhisbighandsinholdingherbottom,theotherisonthebackofher
head.She’sfacingme,herhandrestingagainstherchin.Hereyesarethesamecolorasherfather’s.His
eyesareclosed.IwalktowardsthemandAsher’seyesopenandthesmilethatcomesacrosshisfaceis
devastating.It’salookofpurebliss,thelookofsomeonewhoisrightwheretheyaresupposedtobein
lifeandissooverwhelmedwithhappinessthatitcomesthrougheverytimetheysmile.

“Hey,baby,”hesays.“Howwasyournap?”

“Good.”Ismile.“Wasshefussywhenyoutriedtogiveherthebottle?”Iask,knowingmydaughteris
pickyandonlywantsthebreast.

“No.”Heshakeshishead,smiling.“Trevorcameoverforlunchandhegothertodrinkfromit.”

“Wow,superTrevorsavesthedayagain,huh?”

“Yeah,LizcamewithhimsoIthinkhewasshowingoff.”HelaughsandIknowhe’sright.Lizslipped
afewdaysafterJulywasbornandsaidsomethinghappened,butneversaidwhatitwas.WhenItriedto
pressheraboutit,sheclosedupandturnedasredasabeet.Sincethen,theyhadkindofbeenavoiding
eachother.Afewweeksago,somethingelsehappened,andnowthereisnoTrevorwithoutLiz.

“I'msure,”Isay,rollingmyeyes.“Butifyourbrothersaretryingtouseourdaughtertopickup
women,Iwillkicktheirasses.”

“I’llkicktheirasses,”hesays,pattingherbottomandhe’snotlying.He’sonescarydaddybear.The
otherday,somewomancameuptousandstartedtoputherhandnearJuly,andhefreakedoutabout
germsandhandsanitizer.Theladystoodthereinshockthewholetime.Thenhewalkedaway,shaking
hishead,likeshewasthecrazyone.

“So,shouldwegetreadytotakehertoGrandma’s?”Iask,excitedaboutadatewithmyhusband.Since
Julycamehometwomonthsago,wehaven’thadanytimealone,andIwasverymuchlookingforward
toit.NotthatIwantedtobewithoutmydaughter,butIwasreadytohavemommyanddaddytime.

“Ialreadypackedeverythingup,”hesays,smirking,andIlaugh.

“Well,I'mgoingtogoshower.”

“Shower,huh?”hesays,andhiseyesturnhungry.

“Yes,shower.Youhavetowatchourdaughtersoyoucan’tjoinme.Ibendoverandkissherheadof
darkhair,andthenkissmyhusbandandwhisperagainsthislips,“Loveyou.”

“Loveyoumore,baby,”hesaysback.

“DoyouwanttogotoNashvilleandhavedinner?”Asherasksfromthedriver’sseat.Wejustdropped
offJulytohismomanddad.We’rekidfreeforafewhours.

“Haveyougoneskinnydipping?”Iblurt.

Iwatchashisdimpleappears.“Youwannagoskinnydipping,baby?”

“Maybe,”Isaysoftly.Ihavealwayswantedtotryit,butsincethepoolwasfinishedandJulywasborn,
therehasn’tbeentimeoropportunity.

Wepullintoourdrivewayfifteenminuteslater,andbeforeAshercanevengethisdooropen,I’minthe
house,runningacrossthelivingroomandpullingmydressovermyhead.ThenIdiveintothepoolin
mybraandpanties.IsurfaceandwatchasAshertakesoffhisshoesthenjeans.He’sgoingkindofslow,
soIdecidedtohurryhimalong.Iunclaspmybraandtossitinhisdirection.Hejumpsintothepool
withhisboxersstillon.

Whenhesurfaces,he’srightinfrontonme,pullingmetohimundermyarms.“Ifwe’reskinny
dipping,thesearekindofintheway,”hesays,runninghishandsdownmywaisttothetopofmylacy
bootypanties.

“Hmm.”Ismile.

Thenhishandsfistthesides,rippingthemoffandtossingthemoutofthepool.“That’sbetter.”His
mouthmeetsmineandhishandgoesbetweenmylegs,hisfingershittingtheperfectspot.Mylegswrap
aroundhiships,myarmsaroundhisneck,andmyheadfallsbackfromthestimulationofhisfingers.
Hislipsrunalongmyneck,lickingandbitingtheirwaydowntothetopsofmybreast.Hestopsandhis
handfistsmyhair,pullingmymouthbacktohim.

“Youhavetoomanyclotheson,”Itellhim,tryingtoshovedownhisboxers.Ifinallygetthemoffhim,
wrappingmyfistaroundhimandstroking.Ibitemylipwhentwofingersfillme.

“Yes.”Imoan.MyheadfallsforwardintohisshoulderthenI'moutofthepool,sittingontheedge.His
handsareatmyinnerthighs,spreadingmylegswide,thenhismouthisattackingme.“OhmyGod,”I
whisper,holdinghisheadtome.RightwhenIknowI'mgoingtocome,hestopsandpullsmebackinto
thewater,impalingmeonhim.“Asher!”Iscreaminshock.Ifeelmyselfconvulsearoundhim.

“Iloveyourpussy,baby,”hesaysagainstmyear.Iwhimperasheuseshishandsonmyasstoslamme
downontohim.Myhandspullhismouthtomine.ThekississohungrythatwhenIfeelhisteethbite
intomylowerlip,Iloseit.

“I'mgoingtocome,”Isayagainsthismouth,andjustasIfeelmyselfstartingtofallapart,heliftsme
offhimandturnsmearoundsoIhavetograbontothesideofthepool.Heslamsintomefrombehind,
holdingontomyhipsusingtheweightlessnessofthewatertoliftmeeffortlessly.Hishandsslidefrom
mywaisttomychest,andhisfingersrollandpinchmynipples.Hismouthtravelsfromthebackofmy
neckuptomyear.

“You’regonnamakemecome,baby.Yourtight,wetpussyissqueezingmeandgoingtomakeme

come.AndwhenIcome,Iwantyoutocomewithme,soIneedyoutotouchyourselfforme.”

Inodmyhead.Idon’thavethestrengthtosayanything.Whenmyfingersrollovermyclit,myhead
fallsbackonhisshoulder,mymouthfindshis,andthenIexplode.Mybodyistinglingfromheadto
toe.Myfingersdigintothewallattheedgeofthepool.MyorgasmissohugethatIseestarsandcan’t
breathe.IhearAshergroanbehindmeandIknowthathefollowedmewithhisownorgasm.“Idon’t
knowhow,butIswearyourpussygetssweetereverytimeIfuckyou,”hesaysinahuskywhisperright
nexttomyear.

We’reoutofthepoollyingononeofourloungers,mesprawledoutontopofAsher,hishand’srunning
upanddownmyback.

“Iwantanother,baby,”Ashersayssoftlytothetopofmyhead.Hishandsslowingmoveupanddown.

“Already?”Iask,notthatI’msurprised.Helovesourdaughterandisamazingwithher,butshe’sonly
twomonthsoldandIwanttoenjoyherforalittlewhilelonger.

“Iwantourkidstobecloselikemeandmybrothers.AndIalsomissyoubeingpregnant.”

“Youmissmecomplainingabouteverything,latenightstoreruns,footmassagesandmyweightgain?”
Iask.

“Inevercomplained,andyoualreadyknowhowIfeltaboutyourbelly.Somethingaboutyouwaddling
aroundwithmybabyinsideyouwasfuckingsexy.”

“You’reastrangeone,AsherJames.”

“So,whatdoyousay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay,”hesays,pullingmeuphisbody.“You’regoingtogivemeanotherbaby?”

“Yes,I'mgoingtogiveyouanotherbaby.”

“Well,then.”Hesmiles,givingmethedimple.“Let’sgetstarted,”hesaysagainstmymouthandwe
didgetstarted.Ittookafewtries,buttwomonthslater,IfoundoutIwaspregnant.Afewmonthsafter
that,wefoundoutwewerehavingagirl.Fivegirlslater,Ashergaveuponhisdreamofaboy.

Seventeenyearslater

“Youlistentome,younglady,”IhearAshersay.“Youarenotgoingonadate.You’reonlysixteen.”

“Daddy,”Ihearourdaughtercry,andIknowthatshe’sgivinghimthepuppydogeyes.Eachofourfive
girlshadperfectedthepuppydogeyesbythetimetheywereoldenoughtotalk.Ishovemyfaceinto
mypillowsotheycan’thearmelaughingthroughtheopendoor.Ikeeplistening,butallIcanhearnow

ismumbling.Thislastsawhile.ThenAsherwalksintoourroom,closingthedoorbehindhim.Hisface
isblankashesitsdownonthebed,takesoffhisshoes,thenstands,andtakeshisshirtoff.After
seventeenyears,hisbodyisstillamazing.HelooksatmeandIseesomuchloveinhiseyesthatit
makesithardtobreathe.Thepillowisstillagainstmyfacewithmyeyespeekingoutoverthetopofit.

So,whatdidyousay?”Iaskinamuffledvoice.

“She’sgoingonadateonFriday,”hegrumblesandIfallbackinbed,laughingsohardthattearsare
streamingdownmyface.

Yes,thisisbliss,Ithinktomyself.

Acknowledgements

FistIwanttothankGod.NextIneedtothankmyhusbandforbeingmybiggestfanandsupporter.Your
loveandencouragementmeanstheworldtomeandwithoutyouthisbookwouldnothavebeendone.
TomycookieforalwayskeepingmyheadinplaceIloveyoulikeasisterandI’mthankfuleveryday
thatGodbroughtyouintomylifeandI'mabletowatchyougrowintothebeautifulwomanyouare
becoming.Aspecialthankstomyeditor,KrisKendall,fortakingonthetaskofthemessIcalledUntil
November.You’reawesomeandIappreciateallyourhardwork.Ineedtogiveaspecialthankstoall
myfamily—adoptiveandreal—yoursupportmeanssomuch.Tomymom,you’rethefirstonewho
readUntilNovember(evenwiththesex)andyousaidIhadsomething,loveyou.Tomommyfortelling
methatIcandoanythingthatIputmymindto.Toeverybookblogwhotookachanceonanunknown
authoryouareallamazing.Toeveryreaderouttherewhohasbeenwillingtogiveanewauthora
chance,thankyousoverymuchfromthebottomofmyheart.LastbutnotleastmyBetaReaders
Jessica,Carrie,MartaandLaura.Thankyousomuchforallyourinvolvementinthe“Until”Series.

XOXOXOXOXO

Abouttheauthor

AuroraRoseReynoldsisanavybratwhosehusbandservedintheUnitedStatesNavy.Shehaslivedall
overthecountrybutnowresidesinNewYorkCitywithherhusbandandpetfish.She'smarriedtoan
alphamalethatlovesherasmuchasthemeninherbookslovetheirwomen.Hegivesheroverthetop
inspirationeveryday.Inherfreetime,shereads,writesandenjoysgoingtothemovieswithher
husbandandcookie.Shealsoenjoystakingminiweekendvacationstonowhere,orspendstimeat
homewithfriendsandfamily.Lastbutnotleast,sheappreciateseverydayandadmiresitsbeauty.

Formoreinformationonbooksthatareintheworksorjusttosayhello,followmeonFacebook

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ANOTETOMYREADERS

IhopeyouenjoyedUntilNovember.PleasetakeamomenttoleaveareviewonAmazon.Thenext
bookinthe“Until”serieswillbeUntilTrevor.Enjoythefirstchapterbelow.

BonusExcerptofUntilTrevor

Trevor

"You’rereallyfuckingtight!"Isay,slidingthroughherwetness,feelingherwraptightlyaroundone
finger."Howlonghasitbeen?"Iaskherwhilebitingdownonherearlobe.Damn,Ilovethesoundshe
makes.

"Never,"shewhimpers,raisingherhipsuptomeetmyhand.


Joltingawake,Ilookatthetimeandseethatit’sjustaftertwointhemorning."Thisshitisgetting
ridiculous,"Isay,scrubbingmyhandsdownmyface.EversincethenightthatIhadmyhanddown
Liz’spants,thisshithasbeenplaguingme.

Thesecondtheword"never"cameoutofhergorgeousmouth,everythingstopped.Icouldn’tfucka
virgin.EspeciallyonethatwasassweetasLiz.


"You’reawake?"AnnaorAmber,maybeit’sAngie,saysfromtheothersideofthebed.

"Yeah,timeforyoutogo,sugar,"Isay,sittingupandwonderingwhythefuckIkeepdoingthisto
myself.

Fuckingtheseotherwomenislikewalkingwithabottleofsaltwaterthroughadesert.Youknowit
mightlookthesamebutitstillwon’tfulfilltheneedyouhave.

"Can’tIstay?"shewhines,runningherfingersdownmyback.

"Nope,"IsaystandingandpullingupapairofgreyAEsweats.

"Soyou’rejustgoingtokickmeout?"

"Nope,I'mtellingyouit’stimeforyoutogo.Kickingyououtwouldbebadmanners."

"Whencanwemeetupagain?"sheasks,puttingonhertightbluedress.Thewayitresists,I’m
wonderinghowthehellsheslippedoutofitsodamnfastlastnight.

"I’llcallyou.Justleaveyournumber,"Isaywalkingintothebathroom.IknowthatbythetimeIget
out,shewillbenothingbutamemory.


"Yo,T!"Cashsays,slidingintheboothacrossfromme.Ismirk.Heusesthatwordatleastahundred
timesaday."Whatareyoudoinghere?"

IraiseaneyebrowandshoveanotherpieceofFrenchtoastintomymouth,answeringwithoutspeaking.

"You’regoingtoMomandDads’thisweekend,right?AsherisfinallyliftingthebanonaccesstoJuly
soMom’shavingabigparty,"hesays,lookingexcited.

"DoesheknowthatMom’shavingaparty?"Iask,thinkingthatifhedoesn’tknowanythingaboutthis,
he’sgoingtoflipthefuckout.Yep,I’veonlyseenmyniecetwiceandonlyheldheronceafter
NovemberforcedAshertogiveherover.

Cashshrugslookingovermyshoulder."Yo,"hecalls,wavinghishand.IseeLizstandingnearthefront
door,herlong,blondehairisoveroneshoulderinsomekindofmessybraidandherstraplesssummer
dressisfittedaroundherperfectbreastsreachingthefloor.Shewaves.Hercheeksturnaprettypink
thenIseeredwhensomeguypullsherinforahug.

"Andwhothefuckisthat?"Igrowl,knowingthatmybrothersareusedtomyLizissues.

Cashshrugsagain."Don’tknow,"hemumbles,watchingthem."Yo,Liz,comehereforasecond,"he
callsherover.Theguyshe’swithwalkstoadifferentboothandsitsfacingus.

"Hi,guys,"shesays,hervoiceassoftasthecurvesofherbody.SinceIknowexactlywhatshefeels
likeandsmellslike,itfuckswithmyhead.

"You’regoingtoMomandDads’forthepartythisweekend?"Cashasks.

Shelooksatme,herfaceclosingoffbeforesheanswers."I'mummnotsure."

"Who’stheguy?"Iask.Shelooksstartledbythequestionforasecond.

"Justafriend,"shesays,wringingherhandstogether.

"What’shisname?"Iask,lookingoverattheguywhohashiseyespointedrightatherass.He’s
youngerthanmebyafewyears.Hisdarkblondhairisamessandhelookslikeafuckingbanktellerin
hischeapasssuit.

"Bill,"shesays,lookingatCash."I'mgoingtogonow.ImightseeyouguysthisweekendI’ll,umm,let
yourmomknow."SheturnsandwalkstowardscheapasssuitBillwho’swatchingeachstepshetakes.I
havetoholdmyselfbackfromgoingoverandsmashinghisfaceintothetopofthewoodtable.

"Whenareyougoingtostopfuckingaround?"Cashasks.

“She’sfuckinginnocent,man,”Imumble,shovingmyplateaway.

"Sowhat?Becauseshe’snotafuckingslutbaglikethebitchesyounormallyfuck,youaren’t
interested?"heasks.DeepdownIknowhe’sright.ShewasminefromthefirsttimeIlaideyesonherat
myparents’house.Shewassittingoutside,laughingwithmymom.Rightthenandthere,Iknewthat
shewasmine.Thenwebecamesomewhatfriends,onethingledtoanotherthenightmyniecewasborn.

Ifinallyhadherundermeandsherockedmyworldwiththenewsthatshewasavirgin.Eversincethat
day,I’vetriedtoavoidher.

"Gottago,"Isay,gettingupIthrowsomemoneyonthetable.IlookatLizonelasttime.Great!The
guyreachesacrosstoputherhairbehindherear.ItmakesmybloodboilandIknowIneedtogetover
itorstepuptotheplate.Eitherway,Ineedtomakeamove.

Theguylooksoverinmydirection,hischinliftsinwarning."Gameon,motherfucker,"Isay,heading
outthedoor.


Liz

Igettothefrontdooroftheclubandshoveitopen.Mystomachisfullofbutterflies.InallthetimeI
livedhere,I’veneverbeeninsidethisclub.IneverthoughtIwouldevenvisit,letalonecomeseeking
employmenthere.Theinsidewasdarkwiththeonlylightcomingfromthebar.

"CanIhelpyou?"averyprettyolderladyasks.Shewasstandingbehindthebar,wipingoutaglass.

"I,um,needtoseeMike,"Isay,takinganothersmallstepinside.

"Sure,honey,comewithme,"shesayswalkingmedownalonghallwheresheopensthelastdoor.

"Shannon,givemeaminute,"Mikesayswithoutlookingupfromhiscomputer."Novemberadded
somenewprogramonthisdamnthingandnowIcan’tfindmye-mail,"hegrumblesandIsmile.Iwalk
aroundthedesk,takethemousefromhim,andclickonthee-mailicon.Hechuckles.

"Hey,darlin’,howareyou?"heasksinthefatherlytonethatI’vecometolove.Mikeandmydadwere
bestfriendsuntilmydadpassedawaytenyearsago.Afterhispassing,Mikehelpedmymomoutwith
meandmybrotherwheneversheneededahand.IusedtopraythatMikeandmymomwouldget
marriedbuttheywereneveranythingmorethanfriends.

"Couldbebetter,"Isayfeelingthetearsstarttoclimbupmythroatagain.

"What’swrong?"Mikeasks,standingfromthedeskandpullingmeovertothecouch.

"Well,Ineedajob."

"Okay,"hesaysandIcantellhedoesn’tknowwhattothink."What’sgoingonwiththestore?"

Icannolongercontrolthetears.

"TimstoleallourmoneyandIcan’ttellmymom,"Icry,doingafaceplantintohischest.Idon’tknow
whathappenedtothebrotherthatIusedtoknow,theonewhowouldcomehomeatnighttocheckon
meafterourfatherpassedaway.Weusedtobeclosebutthenhemovedawaytoschoolandeverything
changed.WhenIgraduatedfromhighschool,Iworkedatalocalfactoryforeightyearsbeforeitclosed
downduetotheeconomy.

EveryweekwhenIgotpaid,Iwouldputmoneyawayforsavings.Ihavealwayslovedtoshopand
therewereneveranystoresintownthatcarriedanythingIwouldbuysoImadeaplan,savedmy
money,andfinallymydreamswererealizedand"Temptations"wasopened.

IsatupandlookedoverMike’sshoulder."Threemonthsago,whenTimcametovisit,heaskedtohelp
meoutinthestore.IhadbeenworkingsomanyhoursandwasexhaustedsoIagreed.Ididn’tknow
thattherealreasonhewantedtohelpwassothathecouldrobmeblind.Nowhe’sgoneandsoisallof
thestore’smoneyandmine.Ican’ttellmymomwhathappened,andshe’sgettingmarriedinafew
weeksanddoesn’tneedtheaddedstressfromthissituation.

“IhaveaprivateinvestigatorlookingintofindingTimandthetwenty-threethousanddollarshestole
butwhoknowshowlongthatcouldtake.I’vealreadylostmyapartmentandhadtoputeverythingI
owninstoragewhileIstayinthebackroomofthestore.IthoughtIwasdoingokayuntilIgotanotice
twodaysagosayingthatIwaslatepayingtherentforthestore.Ican’taffordtolosemydream,"I
whisper,myvoicehoarsefromcrying.

"Shhhhh,darlin’,it’sokay.Everythingwillbealright.Novemberisnotusingherapartmentanymoreso
youcanstaythere,andIcangiveyouthemoney."

Ishakemyheadbackandforth."Ican’ttakeyourmoney.Itwouldn’tfeelright."

"Ican’thaveyouworkforme,Liz,"hesaysasheplaceshisrighthandonmycheek.Ifeelbadpulling
outthebiggunsbutIknowIneedmoneyandIcan’ttakeitwithoutearningit.

"Canyourecommendanotherclub?"Iask,pullingoutmycellphoneandlookinglikeI'mgoingtotake
downwhateverphonenumberhegivesme.

"You’renotgoingtoworkatanotherclub,"hesays,runninghishandsdownhisface."Jesus,Idon’t
knowwhatthefuckI'mthinkingdoingthisshit."Whenhiseyescomebacktome,Icantellthathe’s
reallytorn."Look,youcanservedrinksbutyoucan’tworkonstage."

"Okay,"Iagreeimmediately.Ineverwantedtoworkonstage.IwouldifIhadto,buttheideaoftaking
offmyclothesandtryingtoappearsexyjustseemedlikealotofwork.

"What’sTrevorgoingtosayaboutthis?"MikeasksandIturnaway.Trevorlikedtoscareawayany
manwhoshowedtheleastbitofinterestinme.IwasprettysurethatIwashalfwayinlovewithhim
alreadybutIknewforafactthosefeelingswerenotmutual.

Forawhile,IthoughtofhimasoneofmybestfriendsuntilthedayJulywasborn.Weendedupathis
house,celebratingoverabottleofvodka.Thingsendedupgettinghotandheavy.Hehadhishanddown
mypantsandIwassocaughtupinthemomentthatwhenheaskedmehowlongithadbeen,Itoldhim
never.Ididn’tmeanthatIneverhadsex.ImeantthatIhadneverfeltthatkindoffirelikemywhole
bodywaslitfromtheinsideout.

AssoonasIsaidtheword‘never,’hestoppedimmediately.ItriedtotellhimthatIdidn’tmeanitlike
thatbuthecompletelyignoredme.Hehandedmemyshirtfromthefloor,andlefttheroom.He’sbeen

avoidingmeeversince.That’sbeenagoodthingbecauseI’veneverbeenmorehumiliatedinmylife.

"TrevorhasnosayinwhatIdo.Wedon’teventalkanymore,"Isay,hearingthesadnessinmyown
voice.

"Yeah,alright,"Mikesays,runninghishandthroughhishair."Youcanstarttomorrow.Justask
Shannontogetyouauniform."

"Thanksalot,"Isayquietly,lookingatthehandsinmylap.

"Don’tthankmeyet,honey."

"Thismeansalottome.Iknowthisisn’teasyforyou."

"Okay,darlin’."Hesighs,pullingmeinforanotherhug."I’llseeyoutomorrow.Yourshiftstartsatnine
butcomearoundeight.I’llhaveoneofthegirlsshowyouwhereeverythingisandwhatyouneedto
do."

Hestands,takingasetofkeysoutofhispocket."Thesearefortheapartment.Youcangetinthrough
thebasementdoorthat’saroundthebackofthehouse.Justletyourselfin.Tomorrow,I’llhelpyouget
yourstufffromstorageandgetyoumovedin."

Iswallowedhard,tryingtocontroltheemotionsthatarerunningrampantinsideme."Everythingis
goingtobeokay,Liz,"Mikesaysagain,pullingmeinforanotherhug."Nowgogetyouruniformand
I’llseeyoutomorrow."

"Okay,"Iwhisper,takingastepaway."Thanksagain,Mike.Seeyoutomorrow."Ileavetheofficeto
findShannonbackbehindthebar.Shegivesmewhatissupposedtobeauniformbutfeelslikeafew
piecesofsilkandsendsmeonmyway.

"Hey,girl,"Beth,betterknownasBambi,says,walkingintothedressingroom.WhenIfirstmether,I
wasalittleintimidated.She’saboutfive-nine,alllegs,longbrownhairandperfect,sunkissedskinwith
goldeneyes.ShecametoTennesseefromMontanaaroundayearagoandhasbeenworkingatTeasers
eversince.

Shetaughtmetowaittables,pushdrinks,andsmileforadecenttip,ifany.Iaskedherwhyshedidn’t
workthestage.Imean,Iknewforafactthatshewouldmakealotofmoneyupthere.Butshesaidshe
waswaytooclumsyandthatthenameBambiwasn’tgiventoherwhenshestartedworkingherebut
whenshewaslittle.Herparentssaidshecouldnevercontrolherlegs.Itwasliketheyweren’tattached
toherbodysotheystartedcallingherBambi.

"Isitbusyoutthere?"Iask,puttingonlightpinklipgloss.

"Notreally.There’sabachelorpartycominginateleven.Theybookedtheprivateroom.Rexsaidyou
couldhelpmewiththem.Thetipsshouldbegood,"shesays,walkingtothelockersacrosstheroom.I
lookinthemirroratmyrefectionandforgetwhoIamforasecond.Mylightgreeneyeslookbrighter
withthesmokeyshadowIhaveon.Mylongblondehaircascadesovermyshoulders,downjustbelow

mybreaststhatarestrainingthetopoftheblackcorsetthatcinchesinmywaist,causingmyhipsto
flareatthebottomofthefishnetstockingsandblacksilkpantiesmakemelooklikeIshouldbegoingto
theplayboymansion.Ittookmeafewdaysofwalkingaroundinhighheelstogetusedtothemenough
tofeellikeIwasn’tgoingtofallonmyfaceeverytimeItookastep.It’sbeenthreeweekssinceI
startedworkinghere.Thetipsareawesome,thehoursareokay,andhavingabedtosleepinatnight
rocks.TheonlydownfallisthatIhavebeentiredalot.Workingtwojobsisnoteasy,especiallywhen
oneofthejobsyou’reworkingisasecret.

ImetwithBilltwodaysagoandhegavemeanupdateonmybrother.HefoundoutTimhadbeenin
Alabamabutmovedonsincethen.Billhasyettotrackhimdownagain.IwasstartingtofeellikeI
shouldcontactthepolicebutthethoughtofmybrotherinjaildidn’tsitwellwithme.

"Okay,girl,I'mjustgoingtochangemyshoesandwecango.Now,keepinmindthatbachelorparties
dotendtogetalittlecrazy,"shesays,steppingintoapairofplatformstilettos.

"Whatdoyoumeancrazy?"Iask,feelingnervous.Therehadbeenafewtimeswhenaguywouldgeta
littlehandsybutthebouncersalwaysmadesuretocutinbeforeitcouldgetoutofcontrol.

"Well,theytendtodrinkalotmoreandalotoftimesthatmakesthemdumberthannormal."IgiggledI
couldn’thelpit.Bambiwasonehundredpercentlesbianandthoughtallmenwerestupid.Atfirst,
knowingthatshewasattractedtowomenmadeitalittleuncomfortable.Then,Irealizedshehadatype
andIwasnotit.Shesmiledandshookherhead."Ifyouhaveaproblem,justtellmeandI’llstepin."

"I'msuretheywon’tbethatbad,"Isay,wonderinghowmanypeoplesaidthatastheirfinalwords.


Trevor

"Yeah,"Ianswerthephone,lookingattheclockandseeingitwasjustaftertwelve.

"Yo,T,youneedtocometoTeasers,"CashsaysandIsitupinbed.

"It’safterfuckingmidnight.I'mnotgettingoutofbedtositwithyouatafuckingstripclub."

"Trustme,T.Seeyousoon,"hesays,hangingupbeforeIcantellhimtofuckoff.

"Thisbetterbegood,"Igrumbletothewall.Gettingup,Ipullonapairofjeansandateeandheadout
tomytruck.WhenIpulluptothefrontoftheclub,InoticethatevenforaWednesdaynight,thelotis
fullofcars.IspotCashstandingbythedoorandtalkingtooneofthebouncers.

"Yo,"hegreetsinhisnormaltone.Helooksaroundthenpullsmetothesideofthebuilding.

"Whatthefuck?"Iask,lookingaround,wonderingifhe’sinsomekindoftrouble.

"Whenyougoin,thereyouneedtoplayitcool,okay?"hesaysandInoticehelookspanicked.

"What’sgoingon?"Iask,becomingconcerned.

"WhenIsawher,IfoundMikeandaskedhimwhatthefuckwasgoingon.Hetoldmethatsheneeded
themoney,butwouldn’ttakeitfromhimandthreatenedtogotoadifferentclubifhedidn’tgivehera
job."

"Atanypointareyougoingtotellmewhothefuckyou’retalkingabout,bro?"Iask,crossingmyarms
overmychestandtryingnottoreachoutandshakehim.

"Liz,"hesaysthrowinguphisarms."WhatotherwomanwouldIbetalkingabout?"

"You’retellingmeLizisintherestripping?"Iaskthroughclenchedteeth,thinkingofherinthere,on
stage,halfnakedwithmenlookingather.NowI’mseeingred.

"ThisisyourfuckingfaultT,”Cashshoutsashepokesmeinthechest.

"Youtellmehow’sthismyfault.”

"WhenshecametoMikeforthejob,Mikeaskedherwhatyouweregoingtothinkaboutthisandshe
saidthatyoudon’tgetasayinwhatshedoes."

Well,thatshitburned.Technically,shewasright—Ididn’thaveasayinwhatshedidbutshewasmine
andIwasn’tsharingherwithanyone.

"Look,allI'msayingisbecoolwhenyougointhere.Ed’sonthedoortonightandsaidthatLizhas
beenworkingabachelorparty."

"Jesus,thisshitjustkeepsgettingbetterandbetter,"Imumble,runningmyhandsovermyhead.

"Alright,I'mgoingtotalktoEd.Yougointhereandpullheraside,butdonotcauseascene."


Liz

Oh,lord,Ithinktomyself.Nomoneyintheworldisworthdealingwithmenlikethis.Forthelastthree
hours,I’vehavebeenblockinghandsrightandleft.NomatterhowmanytimesItelltheguysatthe
bachelorparty,notouching,theydon’tgetit.Iswear,thenexttimeoneofthemgrabsmyass,I’mgoing
tokickthem.

"CanIgettwomorebottles,Rex?"Isigh,lookingaroundthebar.IseeEd,thenewbouncer,nearthe
door.Isquintmyeyesalittletryingtoseewhohe’stalkingto.Damn!ItlookslikeCashbutthatwould
becrazy.Whywouldhebehere?Stupidcontacts.Iblinkafewtimesandstillcan’tseeclearly.

"Cash,"Ihearwhinedfrombehindmeandmyheartclimbsupmythroat.Ilookovermyshoulderto
seeSkittlesrunninginthedirectionofthedoor.

"Ohmygod!"Iwhisperwhileduckingmyhead.Iturnandstartwalkingbacktowardstheprivateroom
whenmyluckcrumblesaroundme.Skittlesplowsmeover,hergiantfakeboobsinmyface.

"Sorry,"shesaysinherfakewhineyvoice.She’sliftedbeforeIcandieofsuffocation.OnceI'mfree,I
rolltomystomachandstartcrawlingonmyhandsandkneestowardstheprivateroomdoors,hoping
thatCashisnotanywherenearme.ImakeithalfwaytherewhenIseeapairofbrownworkbootsin
frontofme.

"Excuseme,"Isaywithoutlookingup.Istarttocrawlaroundtheownerofthebootswhentheyblock
mywayagain.Iblowmyhairoutofmyface,frustratedbythepersoninfrontofme.Can’ttheyseeI'm
tryingtogetaway?ThepersonsquatsdownandIseejeancoveredkneesandthenfingersareundermy
chin,liftingmyface.

"Crap,"IwhisperwhenIseeTrevor’sbrowneyeslookingintomine.

"Weneedtotalk,"hesaysquietly.Icanseebythelookinhiseyesthathe’spissed.

"No,wedon’tneedtotalk,"Isay,tryingtostand.Whoknewthatgettingupoffthegroundwhenyou’re
inhighheelswassomuchwork?Ifallforward,myhandslandingonhischestandhisgotomywaistto
steadyme.

"Thanks,"Imumble.ItwasnotthefirsttimeIwishedIknewmagicsoIcouldcastaspelltostop
whateverpoweritwasthathehadoverme.Ihatedthatmybodycraveshistouch.Ihatedevenmore
thatIcraveitevenknowingthathe’sabigjerk.AsIsteadymyself,Idon’tlookathisfaceagainbefore
Itakeasteparoundhim.

"Weneedtotalk,"herepeats.IpretendIdon’thearhimandcontinuewalkingtowardstheprivateroom
whereIknowkickassBambithemanhateris."I'mnotgoingtotellyouagain,baby,"hesays,coming
upbehindmeandpullingmybacktohisfront.

"Letmego,Trevor,"Isayquietly,tryingnottocauseascene.Hedoesn’tsayanything,justwrapshis
armsaroundmywaist,walkingmedownthehalltowardsMike’soffice.Istarttostruggletogetaway
whenIseethedoorgettingcloser.

Idon’twanttotalktohim.WhenIhadwantedtotalk,hedidn’twanttolisten.Isquirmandalmost
makeitfreeofhimwhenhegetsMike’sofficedooropen,shovesmeinside,andslamsthedoorbehind
him."Great.Justgreat,"Igrumbletomyself.Iputmyhandsonmyhips,readytogivehimsomemajor
attitudewhenhetakesmybreathaway.

"Jesus,youlookbeautiful!"hesays,walkingtowardsmewithalookofhungerinhiseyes.Istart
walkingbackwards,caughtoffguard.

"Um…thanks,"Isay,lookingovermyshoulderandnoticingthatI'mheadingtowardsthecouch.I
knowIdon’twanttobenearanyverticalsurfacesandTrevoratthesametimesoIstartmakingmyway
towardsthedesk,hopingthatIcanputitbetweenus.

"Stop,"Isay,holdingoutmyhandwhenIseehowcloseheistome.HestopsandIrollthedeskchair
betweenustoblockhisway."Okay."Ibreatheandheraiseshiseyebrowsandcrosseshisarmsoverhis
chest.Iwishhewasn’tsogoodlooking.Hisdarkbrownhairiscutlowtohisscalp,andhisbrowneyes

aremademorebeautifulwiththelonglashesthatframethem.Hisjawissquareand,likealways,it
lookslikeheneedstoshaveandthedarkgrowtharoundhismouthmakeshisfulllipsstandouteven
more.

He’salottallerthanmyfive-fiveandahalf.EveninthefourinchheelsI'mwearingnow,hetowers
overme.

Hiseyesrakeovermeandhismouthgoesintoaflatline."Whatareyoudoing,Liz?"

IlookaroundMike’soffice,avoidinghisquestion.InoticethatI'mnottoofarfromthedoorandI
mightbeabletomakeittherebeforehimifIkickoffmyshoes.

"TryitandI’llspankyou."Okay,really?I’mignoringthatcommentasIslidemyfootoutofoneheel
butdon’tputmyfootdown.Idon’twanthimtonoticewhatI'mdoinguntilthelastpossiblesecond.
"Talktome."HegrowlsandIglareathim.

"You’reworkingatafuckingstripclubforgod’ssakes.Whatthefuckisgoingon?"heroars,leaning
towardsme.

"It’snoneofyourbusiness,"Isay,crossingmyarmsovermychest.

"What!Noneofmybusiness?"heasks.

"Letmeclarifythat,"Isay,pausingtoputmyhandsonmyhips,tryingtobalanceinmyoneshoe."It’s
noneofyourdamnbusiness."

"I’vehadmyhandsdownyourpants.Iknowwhatyousoundlikewhenyou’regoingtocome."

"Well,Mister,youdon’t."Ilooktowardsthedooragain.

"Don’twhat?"heasks,smirking.

"KnowwhatIsoundlike,"Isay,gettingtiredofthisgamehe’splaying.

"Wecantakecareofthatrightnow,"hesaysandIlookathimlikehe’scrazyandshakemyhead.

"Um,nothanks,"Isay,lookingtowardsthedoorandwonderingwherethehellsomeone,anyone,is.
Don’ttheyrealizethatI'mmissing?Shouldn’ttheybelookingforme?

"Look,I'msorrybutIjustcouldn’tdoit.You’retoosweet.That’swhyyoushouldn’tbeworkinghere."

"Well,toobad.IneedthisjobandI'mkeepingit."

"You’reinnocent,Liz.Afuckingvirginandyouwanttoworkatastripclub?"Hegrowls.

"Firstofall,it’snoneofyourbusinessbutI'mactuallynotavirgin.Secondofall,therewasnotone
questiononmyapplicationforthisplaceaboutmysexualhistory,"Isay,pissedoff.

"Whothefuckhaveyoubeenwithsinceweweretogether?"heasks.Icanseehisfaceturningred.

"Noone.GeezLouise."Iwavemyhandinfrontofme.


"Howexactlydoyougofromyouhavenever,tonow?"heasks,lookingasconfusedashisquestion
sounds.

"IneversaidIwasavirgin,"Isnap."Youchosetohearthatandthenyouwalkedaway,completely
ignoringmewhenItriedtoexplainittoyou.Which,bytheway,wasprettydamnembarrassing."I
crossmyarmsovermychest,feelingalmostasembarrassedasIdidthenightweweretogether.

"Fuckme,"hewhispers,runninghishandsdownhisface.

"Look,Ireallyneedtogo.I'msureBambiisfreakingout.Ileftherwithabachelorparty."Ilook
towardsthedooragainreadytorunforit.

"We’releaving,"hesays,takingastepinmydirection.

Istopandlookathim."No.I'mworkingsowe’renotgoinganywhere."

"Youjustresigned.It’stimeforyoutogohome."

"Wow,you’vegotthiswholecavemanactdownpat,don’tyou?"Isay,slippingbackintomyshoes.
ThereisnowayI'mgoingtolethimintimidateme.

"YoucomewithmeorItellyourmomwhatyou’redoingduringyourfreetime,"hesaysandIfeelall
thecolordrainoutofmyface.MymomcanbeprettycoolbutifhetoldherIwasworkinghere,I
wouldhavetoexplainwhyIneededasecondjob.Ican’tseeherbeingveryunderstandingaboutthat.

"IneverthoughtthatIcouldhateyoubutyoujustprovedmewrong,"Isayquietlyastearsstarttofill
myeyes.MyshouldersslumpandIstartwalkingtowardsthedoor.

"Whereareyougoing?"heasksasIopenthedoor.Idon’teventurnaroundtoanswerhim.

"Gettingmystuffandgoinghome,Trevor.Justlikeyouwantedmeto."

IseeBambiinthedressingroomwhenIgetthere.She’sinfrontofthemirroraddingmorelipgloss.

"Hey!EdsaidyouweretalkingtosomeonewhenIwenttolookforyou.Iseverythingokay?"

"Um,notreally.I'mleaving,"Isay,pullingmypinkgymbagoutandshovingeverythingthat’smine
intoitwhiletryingtoavoidlookingatBambi.

"You’releaving?"sheasksandIcanfeelherasshecomestostandnexttome.

"SomethingcameupandIneedtogo.I'msorryforleavingyouwiththoseguys.I’lltalktoMikeonmy
wayoutsohecansendsomeoneelsetohelpyou,"Isay,pullingmyVicky’shoodieonovermytopand
steppingoutofmyheelsandintoapairofblackhightopConverse.

"Idon’tcareaboutthat.I'mworriedaboutyouandwhyyou’releaving,"shesays,huggingme.

"Ready?"Trevorasks,stickinghisheadintheroom.Webothturnourheadsinhisdirectionatthe
soundofhisvoice.

"Whatthefuck,dickwad?"Bambiyells."Getthefuckoutofhere.Can’tyouread?Thisisawomens’
onlyareaandunlessyouwantmetogiveyouavagina,youneedtoshutthefuckingdoor."Shewalks
over,slammingthedoorinastunnedTrevor’sface.Igiggle.Nomatterhowbadthisisrightnow,she
madeitworthit."Areyouleavingwiththatdouche?"sheasks,walkingbacktowardsme.

"No.Hejustcametotellmesomething,"Isay,walkingtowardsthedoor.

"Callmeandletmeknowyou’reokay,"shesaysanditmakesmewanttocry.Shehasmadeworking
herefunandhasbecomeaprettygoodfriend.

"I’llcallyoutomorrow,"Isay,openingthedoorandwalkingrightpastTrevor,CashandMike.

"Youokay,darlin’?"Mikeasks,puttinghisarmaroundmyshoulder.

"Yeah.I'mjustgonnagohome.I’llseeyoutomorrowforbreakfastandthanksfortheinternship."

"I’llseeyouthenandwecantalk,"hesaysquietly,squeezingmetohisside.

"Great,"Imutter,walkingoutintotheparkinglottomyCharger.Iopenmydoorandthrowmybag
acrossintothepassengerseat.

"Hey,weneedtotalk,"Trevorsays,turningmearoundwithhishandonmywaist.

"No,Trevor,wedon’tneedtotalk."

"We’refriends,Liz.Thisisn’tyou.Ijustwantwhat’sbestforyou,"hesays,tryingtopullmeintohim.I
takeastepback,getinmycar,andslamthedoor,engagingthelocksbeforehecanstopmeoropenit.
Turningonthecar,Irevtheenginethenrolldownmywindowaninch.

"Justsoyoulearnalessonfromtonight,I'mgoingtoclueyouin,youknow,sincewe’refriendsand
all,"Isaysarcastically."First,FRIENDSaskeachotherabouttheirlives.Second,aFRIENDwould
wonderwhatcircumstanceswouldcausesomeonetoworksomewherethattheyneverwouldhave
before.Andlastbutnotfuckingleast,AFRIENDwouldneverthreatenanotherFRIEND."

Withmypartingwords,Irevmyengineandletthegravelflybehindme.MycarfishtailsrightbeforeI
gettothestopsign.IturnupNickelback’s"Animals"onmycarstereo,stickmyhandoutmywindow,
andflipTrevoroff.

AssoonasIrollupmywindow,tearsstartslidingdownmycheeksfromthesadnessandangerI'm
feeling.ItrustedTrevoratonepoint,andjustlikemybrother,thattrustwasnotearnedandnowI'm
morestuckthanIwasbefore.Ihavetofindawaytoearnthemoneytosavemybusinesswithout
gettingmymominvolvedormybrotherdoingtime.


Trevor

"Well,Ihavetosaythatwentwell,don’tyouthink,FRIEND?"Cashaskswhilepattingmychestbefore
hewalksoff.I'mcompletelystunned,stuckinplace,wonderingwhatthefuckjusthappened.

"Yo!T,areyoucomingorwhat?"Cashshoutsfromacrosstheparkinglot,snappingmeoutofmy
stupor.Ileanmyheadbackandlookupatthenightsky.Seeingashootingstar,Imakeawish.Iclose
myeyes,letoutabreath,andwalktomytruck,knowingtomorrowisadifferentday.