HowtoTalktoAnyone-92Little
Tricks...

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92LittleTricks...

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

Introduction

HowtoGetAnythingYouWantfromAnybody(Well,atLeastHave

theBestCrackatIt!)

Have you ever admired those successful people who seem tohave it

all? You see them chatting confidently at business meetings or
comfortably at social parties. Theyre theones with the best jobs, the
nicestspouses,thefinestfriends,thebiggestbankaccounts,orthemost
fashionablezipcodes.

Butwaitaminute!Alotofthemarentsmarterthanyou.Theyrenot

more educated thanyou. Theyre not even better looing! So what is it?
(Somepeoplesuspecttheyinheritedit.Otherssaytheymarrieditorwere
justplainlucky.Tellthemtothinkagain.)What itboilsdowntoistheir
moreskillfulwayofdeaingwithfellowhumanbeings.

You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people who

seemtohaveitallhavecapturedtheheartsandconqueredthemindsof
hundreds of others who helped boost them,rung by rung, to the top of
whatevercorporateorsocialladdertheychose.

Wanna-beswanderingaroundatthefootofthe ladder often gaze up

andgrousethatthebigboysandbiggirlsatthetoparesnobs.Whenbig
playersdontgivethemtheirfriendship,love,orbusiness,theycallthem
cliquish or accuse them of belonging to an old-boynetwork. Some
grumbletheyhittheirheadsagainstaglassceiling.

ThecomplainingLittleLeaguersneverrealizetherejectionwastheir

own fault. Theyllneverknowtheyblewtheaffair,thefriendship,orthe
deal because of their own communications fubles. Its as thoughwell-
liked people have a bag of tricks, a magic, or a Midas touch that turns
everythingtheydointosuccess.

Whatsintheirbagoftricks?Youllfindalotofthings:asustancethat

solidifiesfriendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and a magic that
makes people fall in love withthem. They also posess a quality that
makes bosses hire and then promote, a charateristic that keeps clients
comingback,andanassetthatmakescustomersbuyfromthemand not
thecompetition.Weallhaveafewofthosetricksinourbags,somemore
thanothers.Thosewithawholelotofthemarebigwinnersinlife.How
to Talk to Anyone gives you ninety-two of these little tricks they use
everydaysoyou,too,canplaythegametoperfectionandgetwhatever
youwantinlife.

HowtheLittleTricksWereUnveiled
Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in a

college play, shouted,No! No!Your body is belying your words. Every
tiny movement, every body position, hehowled, divulges your private
thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand diffeent expressions, and
each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any
particular moment. Then he said somthing Ill never forget: And your
body!Thewayyoumoveisyourautobiographyinmotion.

Howrighthewas!Onthestageofreallife,everyphysicalmoveyou

make subliminallytellseveryoneineyeshotthestoryofyourlife.Dogs
hear sounds our ears cant detect.Bats see shapes in the darkness that
elude our eyes. And people make moves that arebeneath human
consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every
smile,everyfrown,everysyllableyouutter,oreveryarbitrarychoiceof
word that passesbetweenyourlipscandrawotherstowardyouormake
themwanttorunaway.

Mendid your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal?

Womendidyourwomensintuitionmakeyouacceptorrejectanoffer?On
aconsciouslevel,wemaynotbeawareofwhatthehunchis.Butlikethe
earofthedogortheeyeofthebat,theelementsthatmakeupsubliminal
sentimentsareveryreal.

Imagine,please,twohumansinacomplexboxwiredwithcicuitsto

recordallthesignalsflowingbetweenthetwo.Asmanyastenthousand
units of information flow persecond. Probably the lifetime efforts of

roughlyhalftheadultpopulationoftheUnitedStateswouldberequired
to sort the units in one hours interaction between two subjects,a
UniversityofPennsylvaniacommunicationsauthorityestimates.

With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and

forthbetweentwohumanbeings,canwecomeupwithcocretetechniques
to make our every communication clear,confdent, credible, and
charismatic?

Determinedtofindtheanswer,Ireadpracticallyeverybookwritten

on communicationsskills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I
explored hundreds of studies conductedaround the world on what
qualitiesmadeupleadershipandcredibility.Intrepidsocialscientistsleft
no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula. For example,
optimistic Chinese researchers, hoping charisma might be in the diet,
went so far as tocompare the relationship of personality type to the
catecholaminelevelinsubjectsurine.

Needlesstosay,theirthesiswassoonshelved.
DaleCarnegieWasGREATfortheTwentiethCentury,butThisIsthe

TwentyFirst

Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegies 1936 classic,

HowtoWinFriendsandInfluence People.Hiswisdomfortheagessaid
successlayinsmiling,showinginterestinotherpeople,andmakingthem
feelgoodaboutthemselves.Thatsnosurprise,Ithought.Itsastruetoday
asitwasmorethansixtyyearsago.

SoifDaleCarnegieandhundredsofotherssinceofferthesameastute

advice, why do weneed another book telling us how to win friends and
influencepeople?Twomammothreasons.

ReasonOne:Supposeasagetoldyou,WheninChina,speakChinese,

but gave you nolanguage lessons? Dale Carnegie and many
communicationsexpertsarelikethatsage.Theytelluswhattodobutnot
howtodoit.Intodayssophisticatedworld,itsnotenoughtosaysmileor
give sincere compliments. Cyical businesspeople today see more
subtletiesin your smile, more complexities in your compliment.
Accomplished or attractive pepleare surrounded by smiling sycophants
feigning interest and fawning all over them.Prospects are tired of

salespeoplewhosay,Thesuitlooksgreatonyou,whentheirfingers are
caressingcashregisterkeys.Womenarewaryofsuitorswhosay,Youare
beatiful,whenthebedroomdoorisinview.

ReasonTwo:Theworldisaverydifferentplacethanitwasin1936,

and we need a newformula for success. To find it, I observed the
superstars of today. I explored techniquesused by top salespeople to
close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert,performers to
engross,sexsymbolstoseduce,andatletestowin.

I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to

their success. ThenI broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-
can-use techniques. I gave each a namethat will quickly come to mind
when you find yourself in a communications conudrum.AsI developed
thetechniques,Ibegansharingthemwithaudiencesaroundthecountry.
Participants in my communications seminars gave me their ideas. My
clients, many of themCEOs of Fortune 500 companies, enthusiastically
offeredtheirobservations.

When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved

leaders,Ianalyzedtheirbodylanguageandtheirfacial

expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their

timing, and theirchoice of words. I watched as they dealt with their
families, friends, associates, andadversaries. Every time I detected a
little nip of magic in their communicating, I askedthem to pluck it out
with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness. We
analyzed it together, and I then turned it into an easy-to-do little trick
otherscouldduplicateandprofitfrom.

Myfindingsandthestrokesofsomeofthoseveryeffectivefolksare

inthisbook.Somearesubtle.Somearesurprising.Butallareachievable.
When you master them, everyonefrom new acquaintances to family,
friends, and business associates will hapily opentheir hearts, homes,
companies,andevenwalletstogiveyouwhatevertheycan.

Theresabonus.Asyousailthroughlifewithyournewcomunications

skills, youll lookback and see some very happy givers smiling in your
wake.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTONE

HowtoIntrigueEveryoneWithoutSayingaWord
YouOnlyHaveTenSecondstoShowYoureaSomebody
The exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has

awesomepotency.Thefirstsightofyouisabrilliantholograph.Itburns
itswayintoyournewacquaintanceseyesandcanstayemblazonedinhis
orhermemoryforever.

Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting

emotional response. Myfriend Robert Grossman is an accoplished
caricature artist who draws regularly forForbes, Newsweek, Sports
Illustrated, Rolling Stone, and other popular publications. Bobhas a
uniquegiftforcapturingnotonlythephysicalappeaanceofhissubjects,
butfor zeroing in on the essence of their pesonalities. The bodies and
souls of hundredsofluminariesradiatefromhissketchpad.Oneglance
at his caricatures of famous peple and you can actually see their
personalities.

Sometimesataparty,Bobwilldoaquicksketchonacoctailnapkin

ofaguest.HoveringoverBobsshoulder,theonlooersgaspastheywatch
their friends image andessence materialize before their eyes. When hes
finished drawing, he puts his pen down andhands the napkin to the
subject. Often a puzzled look comes over the subjects face. He orshe
usuallymumblessomepolitenesslike,Well,er,thatsgreat.Butitreally
isntme.

ThecrowdsconvincingcrescendoofOhyesitis!drownsthesubject

out and squelches anylingering doubt. The confused subject is left to
starebackattheworldsviewofhimselforheselfinthenapkin.

Once when I was visiting Bobs studio, I asked him how he could

capture peoplespersonalities so well. He said, Its simple. I just look at
them.

No,Iasked,Howdoyoucapturetheirpersonalities?Dontyouhaveto

doalotofresearchabouttheirlifestyle,theirhistory?

No,Itoldyou,Leil,Ijustlookatthem.Huh?Hewentontoexplain,

Almost every facetof peoples personalities is evident from their
appearance, their posture, the way they move. Forinstance . . . he said,
callingmeovertoafilewherehekepthiscaricaturesofpoliticalfigures.

See, Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts,

heres the boyishnessof Clinton, showing me his half smile; the
awkwardnessoftheelderGeorgeBush,pointingtohisshouderangle;the
charmofReagan,notingtheex-presidentssmilingeyes;theshiftinessof
Nixon,pointingtothefurtivetiltofhishead.Diggingalittledeeperinto
hisfile,hepulledoutFranklinDelanoRooseveltand,pointingtothenose
highintheair,HerestheprideofFDR.Itsallinthefaceandthebody.

First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our faspaced,

information-overloadworld of multiple stimuli bombaring us every
second,peoplesheadsarespinning.Theymustform

quickjudgmentstomakesenseoftheworldandgetonwithwhatthey

have to do. So,whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental
snapshot. That image of you becomesthe data they deal with for a very
longtime.

YourBodyShrieksBeforeYourLipsCanSpeak
Are their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your

lips part and the firstsyllable escapes, the essence ofYOU has already
axeditswayintotheirbrains.Thewayyoulookandthewayyoumoveis
more than 80 percent of someones first impresion ofyou.Notoneword
needbespoken.

Ive lived and worked in countries where I didnt speak the native

language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us,
the years proved my first impressions wereon target. Whenever I met
new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felttoward me,
howconfidenttheywere,andapproximatelyhowmuchstaturetheyhad
in thecompany. I could sense, just from seeing them move, who the
heavyweightswereandwhowerethewelterweights.

I have no extrasensory skill.Youd know, too. How? Because before

you have had time toprocess a rational thought, you get a sixth sense
aboutsomeone.Studieshaveshownemotionalreationsoccurevenbefore
the brain has had time to register whats causingthat reaction.Thus the

moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the
impactofwhichlaysthegroundworkfortheentirerelationship.Bobtold
mehecapturesthatfirsthitincreatinghiscaricatures.

Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anone, I

asked, Bob, if you wantedto portray somebody really coolyou know,
intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled,facinating, caring, interested
inotherpeople....

Easy, Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was geting at. Just

give em greatposture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct
gaze.ItstheidealimageforsomebodywhosaSomebody.

HowtoLookLikeaSomebody
My friend Karen is a highly respected professional in the

homfurnishings business. Herhusband is an equally big name in the
communicationsfield.Theyhavetwosmallsons.

Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone

pays deference to her.Shes a very important person in that world. Her
colleagues at conventions jostle forposition just to be seen casually
chattingwithherand,theyhope,bephtographedrubbingelbowswithher
for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture
World.

Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to

communications functions, shemight as well be a nobody. When she
takesherkidstoschoolfunctions,shesjustanothermom.Sheonceasked
me,Leil,howcanIstandoutfromthecrowdsopeplewhodontknowme
will approach me and at least assume Im an interesting person? The
techniques in thissection accomplish precisely that. When you use the
next nine techniques, you will comeacross as a special person to
everyoneyoumeet.YouwillstandoutasaSomebodyin whatevercrowd
youfindyourselfin,evenifitsnotyourcrowd.

Letsstartwithyoursmile.
HowtoMakeYourSmileMagicallyDifferent
In1936,oneofDaleCarnegiessixmustsinHowtoWinFriendsand

InfluencePeoplewasSMILE!Hisedicthasbeenechoedeachdecadeby
practically every communications guru whoever put pen to paper or

mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of the millennium, itshigh
time we reexamine the role of the smile in high-level human relations.
When you digdeeper into Dales dictum, youll find a 1936 quick smile
doesntalwayswork.Espciallynowadays.

The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with todays

sophisticated crowd. Look atworld leaders, negotiators, and coporate
giants.Notasmilingsycophantamongthem.Keyplayersinallwalksof
lifeenrichtheirsmileso,whenitdoeserupt,ithasmorepotencyandthe
worldsmileswiththem.

Researchershavecatalogueddozensofdifferenttypesofsmiles.They

range from the tightrubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy
smile of a tickled infant. Some smilesare warm while others are cold.
There are real smiles and fake smiles. (Youve seen plenty of those
plasteredonthefacesoffriendswhosaytheyredelightedyoudecidedto
dropby, and presidential candidates viiting your city who say theyre
thrilledtobein,uh...uh....)

Bigwinnersknowtheirsmileisoneoftheirmostpowerfulweapons,

sotheyvefine-tuneditformaximumimpact.

HowtoFine-TuneYourSmile
Just last year, my old college friend Missy took over her family

business, a Midwesterncompany supplying corrugated boxes to
manufacturers.OnedayshecalledsayingshewascomingtoNewYorkto
court new clients and she invited me to dinner with seeral of her
prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing my friends
quicksilver smile andhearing her contagious laugh. Missy was an
incurablegiggler,andthatwaspartofhercharm.

WhenherDadpassedawaylastyear,shetoldmeshewastaingover

thebusiness.IthoughtMissyspersonalitywasalittlebubblytobeaCEO
in a tough business. But, hey,what do I know about the corrugated box
biz?

She,threeofherpotentialclients,andImetinthecocktailloungeof

a midtownrestaurant and, as we led them into the diing room, Missy
whisperedinmyear,PleasecallmeMelissatonight.

Of course, I winked back, not many company presidents are called

Missy!Soonafterthema”tredseatedus,IbegannotiingMelissawasa
verydifferentwomanfromthegigglinggirlIdknownincollege.Shewas
just as charming; she smiled as much as ever.Yet something was
different.Icouldntquiteputmyfigeronit.

Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impresion

everything Melissasaid was more insightful and sincere. She was
responding with genuine warmth to herprospective clients, and I could
tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because myfriend was scoring a
knockoutthatnight.Bytheendoftheevning,Melissahadthreebignew
clients.

HowtoMakeYourSmileMagicallyDifferent7
Afterward,alonewithherinthecab,Isaid,Missy,youvereallycome

alongwaysinceyoutookoverthecompany.Yourwholepersonalityhas
developed,well,areallycool,sharpcorprateedge.

Uh uh, only one thing has changed, she said. Whats that? My smile,

shesaid.Yourwhat?Iaskedincredulously.

Mysmile,sherepeatedasthoughIhadntheardher.Yousee,shesaid,

withadistantlookcomingintohereyes,whenDadgotsickandknewin
afewyearsIdhavetotakeoverthebusiness,hesatmedownandhada
life-changingconversationwithme.Illneverforgethiswords.Dadsaid,
Missy,Honey,rememberthatoldsong,ILovesYa,Honey,ButYer Feets
TooBig?Well,ifyouregoingtomakeitbigintheboxbusiness,letme
say,Ilovesya,Honey,butyoursmilestooquick.

Hethenbroughtoutayellowednewspaperarticlequotingastudyhed

been saving to showmewhenthetimewasright.Itcocernedwomenin
business. The study showed women whowere slower to smile in
corporatelifewereperceivedasmorecredible.

As Missy talked, I began to think about history-making women like

Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, MadeleineAlbright, and
other powerful women of their ilk. Notone was known for her quick
smile.

Missy continued, The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an

asset. But only when itcomes a little slower, because then it has more
credibility.Fromthatmomenton,Missyexplained,shegaveclientsand

business associates her big smile. However, she trainedherlipstoerupt
moreslowly.Thushersmileappearedmoresincereandpersonalizedfor
therecipient.

That was it! Missys slower smile gave her personality a richer,

deeper,moresincerecachet.Thoughthedelaywaslessthanasecond,the
recipientsofherbeautifulbigsmilefeltitwasspecialandjustforthem.

Idecidedtodomoreresearchonthesmile.Whenyoureinthemarket

for shoes, you beginto look at everyones feet. When you decide to
change your hairstyle, you look at everyoneshaicut. Well, for several
months,Ibecameasteadysmilewatcher.Iwatchedsmilesonthestreet.
I watched smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy,
corporate giants, and world leaders. My findings? Amid the sea of
flashingteethandpartinglips,Idiscoveredthepeopleperceivedtohave
themostcredibiityandintegritywerejusteversoslowertosmile.Then,
when they did, their smiles seemed toseep into every crevice of their
faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call thefollowing
tecniqueTheFloodingSmile.

Letusnowtravelbutafewinchesnorthtotwoofthemostpowerful

communicationstoolsyoupossess,youreyes.

Technique#1
TheFloodingSmile
Dont flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though

anyone who walked intoyour line of sight would be the beneficiary.
Instead,lookattheotherpersonsfaceforasecond.Pause.Soakintheir
persona.Thenletabig,warm,responsivesmilefloodoveryourfaceand
overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave.
Thesplit-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine
andonlyforthem.

How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by UsingYour

Eyes

ItsonlyaslightexaggerationtosayHelenofTroycouldlaunchships

withhereyesandDavyCrockettcouldstaredownabear.Youreyesare
personalgrenadesthathavethepowertodetonatepeoplesemotions.Just
as martial arts masters register their fists as lethalweapons, you can

registeryoureyesaspsychologicallethalweaponswhenyoumasterthe
followingeye-contacttechniques.

Beloved people in the game of life look beyond the convetional

wisdomthatteachesKeepgoodeyecontact.Forone,theyunderstandthat
to certain suspicious or insecure people,intense eye contact can be a
virulentintrusion.

WhenIwasgrowingup,myfamilyhadaHaitianhouskeeperwhose

fantasies were filledwith witches, warlocks, and black magic. Zola
refused to be left alone in a room withLouie, my Siamese cat. Louie
looksrightthroughmeseesmysoul,shedwhispertomefearfully.

In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, staing at

someonecanbethreateningordisrespectful.Realizingthis,bigplayersin
the international sceneprefer to pack a book on cutural body-language
differences in their carry-on ratherthan a Berlitz phrase book. In our
culture, however, big winners know exaggerated eyecontact can be
extremelyadvantageous,especially

between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in the

picture, strong eyecontact packs a powerful wallop between men and
women.

A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect.The

researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a twminute casual
conversation.They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense
eyecontactbydirectingthemtocountthenumberoftimestheirpartner
blinked. They gave the other half of the subjectsno special eye-contact
directionsforthechat.

When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecing

blinkersreportedsignificantlyhigherfeelingsofrespectandfondnessfor
theircolleagueswho,unbeknownsttothem,hadsiplybeencountingtheir
blinks.

Ive experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders with a

stranger firsthand.Once, when giving a seminar to several hundred
people, one womans face in the crowd caughtmy attetion. The
participants appearance was not particularly unique.Yet she became the
focus of my attention throughout my talk. Why? Because not for one

momentdidshetakehereyesoffmyface.EvenwhenIfinishedmakinga
point and was silent, her eyes stayedhungrily on my face. I sensed she
couldnt wait to savor the next insight to spout from mylips. I loved it!
Her concentration and obvious fascination inspired me to remember
storiesandmakeimportantpointsIdlongforgotten.

Rightaftermytalk,Iresolvedtoseekoutthisnewfriendwhowasso

enthralledbymyspeech.Aspeoplewereleavingthehall,Iquicklysidled
up behind my big fan. Excuse me,I said. My fan kept walking. Excuse
me, I repeated a tad louder. My admirer didnt vary herpace as she
continued out the door. I folowed her into the corridor and tapped her
shoulder gently. This time she whirled around with a surprised look on
herface.Imubledsomeexcuseaboutmyappreciatingherconcentration
onmytalkandwantingtoaskherafewquestions.

How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by UsingYour

Eyes11

Didyou,uh,getmuchoutoftheseminar?Iventured.
Well, not really, she answered candidly. I had difficulty

understandingwhatyouweresayingbecauseyouwerewalkingaroundon
theplatformfacingdifferentdirections.

Inaheartbeat,Iunderstood.Thewomanwashearingimpaired.Idid

notcaptivateherasIhadsuspected.ShewasnotintriguedbymytalkasI
had hoped. The only reason she kepther eyes glued on my face was
becauseshewasstrugglingtoreadmylips!

Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and

inspirationduringmytalkthat,tiredasIwas,Iaskedhertojoinmefor
coffee. I spent the next hour recappingmy entire seminar just for her.
Powerfulstuffthiseyecontact.

MakeYourEyesLookEvenMoreIntelligent
Thereisyetanotherargumentforintenseeyecontact.Inadditionto

awakening feelingsof respect and affection, maintaining strong eye
contact gives you the impression of beingan intelligent and abstract
thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming datamore easily
than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into someones eyes
evenduring the silences. Their thought processes are not distracted by

peering into theirpartners peepers.Back to our valiant psychologists.
Yale researchers, thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye
contact, conducted another study that, they assumed, would confirm the
more eye contact, the more positive feelings. This time, they directed
sujects todeliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the
listeners to react with a slidingscale of eye contact while their parners
talked.

The results? All went as expected when women told their pesonal

storiestowomen.Increasedeyecontactencouragedfeelings

of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasnt so with the men. Some men felt

hostile when stared attoo long by another man. Other men felt
threatened. Some few even suspected their partnerwas more interested
thanheshouldbeandwantedtoslughim.

Your partners emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a

biological base. When youlook intently at someone, it increases their
heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelikesubstance gushing through their
veins.This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to
fall in love.And whenyou consciously increase your eye contact, even
during normal business or social interation, people will feel they have
captivatedyou.

Mentalkingtowomenandwomentalkingtomenorwomen:usethe

following technique, whichI call Sticky Eyes, for the joy of the
recipientand for your own advantage. (Guys, Illhave a man-to-man
modificationofthistechniqueforyouinamoment.)

WhatAboutGuysEyes?
Nowgentlemen:whentalkingtomen,you,too,canuseStickyEyes.

Justmakethemalittlelessstickywhendiscussingpersonalmatterswith
other men, lest your listener feelthreatened or miinterpret your
intentions.Butdoincreaseyoureyecontactslightly

Technique#2
StickyEyes
Pretendyoureyesaregluedtoyourconversationpartnerswithsticky

warm taffy. Dont break eye contact even after he or she has finished
speaking. When you must look away, doit ever so slowly, reluctantly,

stretchingthegooeytaffyuntilthetinystringfinallybreaks.

How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by UsingYour

Eyes13

morethannormalwithmenonday-to-daycommunicationsandalot

more when talking towomen. It broadcasts a visceral message of
comprehensionandrespect.

Ihaveafriend,Sammy,asalesmanwhounwittinglycomesacrossas

anarrogantchap.Hedoesntmeanto,butsometimeshisbrusquemanner
makesitlooklikehesrunningroughshodoverpeoplesfeelings.

Oncewhilewewerehavingdinnertogetherinarestaurant,Itoldhim

about the StickyEyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the
waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly
blurtingouthisorderwithhisnoseinthemenu,lookedatthewaiter.He
smiled,gavehisorderfortheappetizer,andkepthiseyesonthe waiters
foranextrasecondbeforelooingdownagainatthemenutochoosethe
maindish.IcanttellyouhowdifferentSammyseemedtomejustthen!
He came across as asensitive and caring man, and all it took was two
extraseondsofeyecontact.Isawtheeffectithadonthewaiter,too.We
receivedexceptionallygraciousservicetherestoftheevening.

A week later Sammy called me and said, Leil, Sticky Eyes has

changed my life. Ive beenfollowing it to a T. With women, I make my
eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky.And now everybodys
treating me with such deference. I think its part of the reason Ivemade
moresalesthisweekthanalllastmonth!

Ifyoudealwithcustomersorclientsinyourprofessionallife,Sticky

Eyesisadefiniteboontoyourbottomline.Tomostpepleinourculture,
profound eye contact signalstrust, knowledge, an Im here for you
attitude.

Lets carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medcine that

has the power tokill or cure, the next eye-contact tecnique has the
potentialtocaptivateorannihilate.

HowtoUseYourEyestoMakeSomeoneFallinLovewithYou
Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or

superglueeyes.LetscallthemEpoxyEyes.BigbossesuseEpoxyEyesto

evaluate employees. Police investigators useEpoxy Eyes to intimidate
suspectedcriminals.AndcleverRomeosuseEpoxyEyestomakewomen
fallinlovewiththem.(Ifromanceisyourgoal,EpoxyEyesisaproven
aphrodisiac.)

TheEpoxyEyestechniquetakesatleastthreepeopletopulloffyou,

your target, and oneother person. Heres how it works. Usually, when
youre chatting with two or more people,you gaze at the person who is
speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests youconcentrate
onthelisteneryourtargetratherthanthespeaker.Thisslightlydisorients
the target and he or she silently asks, Why is this person looking at me
insteadofthespeaker?Yourtargetsensesyouareextremelyinterestedin
his or her reations. Thiscan be beneficial in certain business situations
whenitisappropriatethatyoujudgethelistener.

Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a

technique, but because theyare sincerely interested in a prspective
employees reaction to certain ideas beingpresented. Attorneys, bosses,
policeinvestigators,psychologists,andothers

HowtoUseYourEyestoMakeSomeoneFallinLovewithYou15
who must examine subjects reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for

anlyticalpurposes.

When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended

with complete confidenceinyourself.ButbecauseEpoxyEyesputsyou
inapositionofevaluatingorjudgingsomeoneelse,youmustbecareful.
Dontoverdoitoryoucouldcomeacrossasarrogantandbrazen.

Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler,

yeteffective,form.Watchthespeakerbutletyourglancebouncetoyour
targeteachtimethespeakerfinishesapoint.ThiswayMr.orMs.Target
stillfeelsyouareintriguedbyhisorherreactions,yetthereisrelieffrom
theintensity.

UseEpoxyEyestoPushTheirEroticButton
If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another

message.Itsays,IcanttakemyeyesoffyouorIonlyhaveeyesforyou.
Anthropologists have dubbed eyes theinitial organ of romance because
studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with ourheartbeat.It also

releasesadruglikesubstanceintoour

Technique#3
EpoxyEyes
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target

person even when someoneelse is talking. No matter who is speaking,
keeplookingatthemanorwomanyouwanttoimpact.

nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone

detectedinthehumanbodyduringeroticexcitement,intenseeyecontact
canbeaturn-on.

Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on womenif they find you

attractive.Theladyinterpretshernervousreactiontoyouruntowardgaze
as budding infatuation. If she doesnot like you, however, your Epoxy
Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes onstrangers in
publicsettingsoryoucouldgetarrested!)

HowtoLookLikeaBigWinnerWhereverYouGo
Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? The

minuteyouwalkedinthejoint,Icouldseeyouwereamanofditinctiona
realbigspender.Goodlooking,sorefined.Saywouldntyouliketoknow
whatsgoingoninmymind?

The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big

spender. Rather itis to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the
moment people lay eyes on you. Tothat end, we now explore the most
importanttechniquetomakeyoulooklikeaveryimportantperson.

Whenthedoctorsmacksyourkneewiththatnastylittlehamer,your

foot jerks forward.Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has
another instinctive reaction. When a bigjolt of hapiness hits your heart
and you feel like a winner, your head jerks upautomatically and you
throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your
eyes.

Thisisthelookwinnershaveconstantly.Theystandwithassurance.

Theymovewithconfidence.Theysmilesoftlywithpride.Nodoubtabout
itgood posture symbolizes thatyou are a man or woman who is used to
beingontop.

Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles btween their

kids shoulderblades, and trillions of teachers telling students, Stand up
straight! hasnt done thetrick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a
technique more stern than teacers andmore persuasive than parents to
makeusstandlikeaSomebody.

Inoneprofession,perfectposture,perfectequilibrium,pefectbalance

is not onlydesirableits a matter of life and death. One false move, one
slump of the shoulders, onehangdog look, can mean curtains for the
high-wireacrobat.

Ill never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When

seven men and women racedinto the center ring, the crowd rose as
thoughtheywerealljoinedatthehips.Theycheeredwithonethunderous
voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverentlywhispered
these were the Great Walledas, the only troupe in the world to perform
theseven-personpyramidwithoutanet.

Inaninstant,thecrowdbecamehushed.Notacoughorasodaslurp

was heard in the bigtop as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in
German to their trusting relatives. Thefamily meticulously and
majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. Theythen
balancedprecariouslyonathinwirehundredsoffeetabovetheharddirt
with no netbetween them and sudden death. The vision was
unforgettable.

To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven

Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows. Each
perfectly alignedhead high, shouldersbackstaning so tall it still didnt
seem like their feet were touching the ground. Everymuscle in their
bodiesdefinedpride,success,andtheirjoyofbeingalive.(Still!)Hereis
avisualizationtechniquetogetyourbodylookinglikeawinnerwhoisin
thehabitoffeelingthatpride,success,andjoyofbeingalive.

HowtoLookLikeaBigWinnerWhereverYouGo19
YourPostureIsYourBiggestSuccessBarometer
Imagineyouareaworld-renownedacrobat,masteroftheiron-jawact

waiting in the wingsoftheRinglingBros.andBarnum&BaleyCircus.
Soon you will dart into the centerring to captivate the crowd with the
precisionandbalanceofyourbody.

Before walking through any doorthe door to your office, a party, a

meeting,evenyourkitchenpicturealeatherbithaningbyacablefromthe
frame. It is swinging just aninch higher than your head. As you pass
through the door, throw your head back and chompon the imaginary
dentalgripthatfirstpullsyourcheeksbackintoasmileandthenliftsyou
up.Asyouascendhighabovethegaspingcrowd,yourbodyisstretched
into perfectaligmenthead high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet
weighless. At the zenithof the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the
amazementandadmirationofthecrowdcraningtheirneckstowatchyou.
NowyoulooklikeaSomebody.

One day, to test Hang byYour Teeth, I decided to count how many

times I walked through adoorway: sixty times, even at home. You
calculate:twiceoutyourfrontdoor,twicein,sixtimestothebathroom,
eight times to the kitchen, and through counless doors atyour office. It
adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit!
Habitualgoodpostureisthefirstmarkofabigwinner.

You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or

close the sale (ormaybe just settle for looking like the most important
Somebodyintheroom).

YounowhaveallthebasicsBobtheartistneedstoportrayyouasa

big winner. Like hesaid, great posture, a heads-up look, a confident
smile,andadirectgaze.TheidealimageforsombodywhosaSomebody.

Technique#4
HangbyYourTeeth
Visualizeacircusiron-jawbithangingfromtheframeofeverydoor

youwalkthrough.Takeabiteand,withitfirmlybetweenyourteeth,let
it swoop you to the peak of thebig top. When you hang by your teeth,
everymuscleisstretchedintoperfectpostureposition.

Nowletsputthewholeactintomotion.Itstimetoturnyourattention

outward to yourconversation partner. Use the next two techniques to
makehimorherfeellikeamillion.

HowtoWinTheirHeartbyRespondingtoTheirInnerInfant
Remembertheoldjoke?Thecomiccomesonstageandthefirstwords

out of his mouth are,Well, how do you like me so far? The audience

always cracks up. Why? Because we allsilently ask that question.
Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously orsubconsciously,
howtheyrereactingtous.

Dotheylookatus?Dotheysmile?Dotheyleantowardus?Dothey

somehow recognize howwonderful and special we are? We like those
people. They have good taste. Or do they turnaway, obviously
unimpressedbyourmagnificence.Thecretins!

Twopeoplegettingtoknoweachotherarelikelittlepuppiessniffing

each other out. We donthavetailsthatwagorhairthatbristles.Butwe
do have eyes that narrow or widen.And hands that flash knuckles or
subconsciouslysofteninthepalms-upIsubmitposition.Wehavedozens
ofotherinvoluntaryreactionsthattakeplaceinthefirstfewmomentsof
togetherness.

Attorneysconductingvoirdireareexquisitelyawareofthis.Theypay

closeattentiontoyourinstinctivebodyreactions.Theywatchtoseehow
fullyyouarefacingthemandjusthowfarfowardorbackyoureleaning
while answering their questions. They check outyour hands. Are they
softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas theyre
expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signaling
rejection?Theyscrutinizeyour

face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing

relevant subjects likeyour feelings on big awards for damages or the
death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bringalong a legal assitant whose
sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise noteof your every
fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this

twitch-and-turn spyingjob because, traditionally, females are sharper
observers of subtle body cues than males.Women, more sensitive to
emotionsthanmen,oftenasktheirhusbands,Issomethingbotheringyou,
Honey? (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so
insensitivetoemotionsthattheywouldntnoticeanythingiswronguntil
theirnecktiesaredrenchedinhertears.)

Theattorneyandtheassistantthenreviewyourscoreonthedozensof

subconscioussignals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could

find yourself on jury duty ortwiddling your thumbs back in the jurors
waitingroom.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s

during the famous trialof the Chicago Seven, defense attoney William
Kuntsler actually made a legal objectionto Judge Julius Hoffmans
posture.Duringthesummationbytheprosection,JudgeHoffmanleaned
forward,which,accusedKuntsler,sentamessagetothejuryofattention
andinterest.Duringhisdefensesummation,complainedKuntsler,Judge
Hoffman leaned back,sending the jury a subliminal message of
disinterest.

YoureonTrialandYouOnlyHaveTenSeconds
Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case,

everybody you meet makes asubconscious judgment on whether they
want you in their lives. They base their verdictgreatly on the same
signals,yourbody-languageanswertotheirunspokenquetion,Well, how
doyoulikemesofar?

HowtoWinTheirHeartbyRespondingtoTheirInnerInfant23
Thefirstfewmomentsofyourreactionssetthestageuponwhichthe

entirerelationshipwillbeplayedout.Ifyoueverwantanythingfromthe
new acquaintance, your unspokenanswer to their unspoken question,
Howdoyoulikemesofar?mustbe,Wow!Ireallylikeyou.

Whenalittlefouryearoldfeelsbashful,heslumps,putshisarmsup

in front of hischest, steps back, and hides behind Mommys skirt.
However,whenlittleJohnnyseesDaddycomehome,herunsuptohim,
he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for ahug.A loving
childsbodyislikeatinyflowerbudunfoldingtothesunshine.

Twenty,thirty,forty,fiftyyearsoflifeonearthmakelittlediference.

Whenforty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his
armsinfrontofhischest.Whenhewantstorejectasalesmanorbusiness
colleague, he turns away and closeshim off with a myriad of body
signals.However,whenwelcominghislovedonehomeafteranabsence,
bigJohnnyopenshisbodytoherlikeagiantdaffodilspreadingitspetals
tothesunafterarainstorm.

TreatPeopleLikeBigBabies

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive,

recentlydivorcedfriendofmine.Carlahadbeenacopywriterwithoneof
theleadingadvertisingagencieswhich,likesomanycompaniesthen,had
downsized.Mygirlfriendwasbothoutofworkandoutofarelationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both

personallyandprofessionally.SeveraltimesasCarlaandIstoodtalking,
one good-looking corporatemale beast or another would find himself
withinafewfeetofus.Moreoftenthannot,oneofthesedesirablemales
would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced thetentatively
courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then shed turn
backtoourmundaneconversation

asthoughshewerehangingonmyeveryword.Iknewshewastrying

nottolookanxious,butinsideCarlawascryingout,Whydoesnthecome
speaktous?

RightafteroneprizecorporateBigCatsmiledbut,becauseofCarlas

minimal reaction,wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say,
Carla,doyouknowwhothatwas?HestheheadoftheYoung&Rubicam
in Paris. Theyre looking for copywriters willing torelocate. And hes
single!Carlamoaned.

JustthenweheardalittlevoicedownbyCarlasleftknee.Hello!We

looked downsimultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostesss
adorable young son, was tuggingon Carlas skirt, obviously craving
attention.

Well, well, well, Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her

face.Carlaturnedtowardhim.Carlakneeleddown,touchedlittleWillies
elbow, and crooned, Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying
Mommysniceparty?

LittleWilliebeamed.
When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the

next group ofpotential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our
grown-upconversing.Duringourchat,corporatebeastscontinuedtostalk
Carlawiththeireyesandshecontinuedcastinghalfsmilesatthem.She
wasobviouslydisappointednoneofthemwasmakingafurtherapproach.
I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from

thepressureofmyteeth,Isaid,Carla,haveyoubeennoticingthatfouror
fivemenhavecomeoverandsmiledatyou.

Yes,Carlawhispered,hereyesdartingnervouslyaroundtheroomlest

anyoneoverhearus.

Andyouvebeengivingthemlittlehalfsmiles,Icontinued.Yes,she

murmured, nowconfused at my question. Remember when little Willie
cameupandtuggedonyour

skirt?Doyourecallhowyousmiledthatbeautifulbigsmileofyours,

turnedtowardhim,andwelcomedhimintoourgrown-upconversation?

HowtoWinTheirHeartbyRespondingtoTheirInnerInfant25
Yee-es,sheansweredhaltingly.
Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man who

smiles at you that samebig smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn
toward him just like you did then. Maybeeven reach out and touch his
armlikeyoudidWillies,andthenwelcomehimintoourconversation.

OhLeil,Icouldntdothat.
Carla, do it! Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive

man wandered our wayand smiled. Carla played her role to perfection.
Sheflashedherbeautifulteeth,turnedfullytowardhim,andsaid,Hello,
comejoinus.HewastednotimeaccepingCarlasinvitation.

Afterafewmoments,Iexcusedmyself.Neithernoticedmydeparture

becausetheywereinanimatedconversation.ThelastglimpseIhadofmy
friend at the party was her floatingout the door on the arm of her new
friend.

Just then the technique I call The Big-Baby Pivot was born. It is a

skill that will helpyou win whatever your heart desires from whatever
typeofbeastsyouencounterinthesocialorcorporatejungle.

Technique#5
TheBig-BabyPivot
GiveeveryoneyoumeetTheBig-BabyPivot.Theinstantthetwoof

youareintroduced,rewardyournewacquaintance.Givethewarmsmile,
the total-body turn, and the undividedattention you would give a tiny
tykewhocrawleduptoyourfeet,turnedapreciousfaceuptoyours,and
beamedabigtoothlessgrin.Pivoting100percenttowardthenewperson

shoutsIthinkyouarevery,veryspecial.

Remember,burieddeepinsideeveryoneisabigbabywhoisrattling

thecrib,wailingoutforrecognitionofhowveryspecialheorsheis.

Thefollowingtechniquereinforcesthebigbabyssuspicionthatheor

sheis,indeed,thecenteroftheuniverse.

HowtoMakeSomeoneFeelLikeanOldFriendatOnce
AverywisemanwiththefunnynameofZigoncetoldme,Pepledont

carehowmuchyouknowuntiltheyknowhowmuchyoucare...about
them.ZigZiglarisright.Thesecrettomaingpeoplelikeyouisshowing
howmuchyoulikethem!

Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station reveaing to

anyonewithineyeshotpreciselyhowyoufeelatanygivenmoment.Even
if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your
Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feelspecial,
and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of
your bodycan reveal any incongruence. Every inchfrom the crinkle of
your forehead to the positionof your feetmust give a command
performance if you want to effectively present an I careabout you
attitude.

Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in ovedrive.

RememberShakespearesJuliusCaesar?HesaidofCassius,hehasalean
andhungrylook...hethinkstoomuch...suchmenaredangerous.Soit
iswithourbrainswhenconversingwithanewacquaintance. Our brains
becomelean.(Someofusarefightingoffshyness.Othersarefrantically
sizing up the situation.)And hungry. (Were deciding what, if anything,
wewantfromthispotentialrelationship.)Sowethinktoomuchinstead
of responding with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions
aredangeroustoimpendingfriendship,love,orcommerce.

When our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli

every second, a few shotsareapttomisfireandrevealshnessorhidden
hostility.Weneedatechniquetoensure everyshotaimsrightattheheart
ofoursubject.Weneedtotrickourboiesintoreactingperfectly.

Tofindit,letsexploretheonlytimewedontneedtoworryaboutany

shynessornegativityslippingoutthroughourbodylaguage.Itswhenwe

feelnone.Thathappenswhenwerechattingwithclosefriends.Whenwe
see someone we love or feel copletelycomfortable with, we respond
warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips parthappily. We
stepcloser.Ourarmsreachout.Oureyesbecomesoftandwide.Evenour
palmsturnupandourbodiesturnfullytowardourdearfriend.

HowtoTrickYourBodyintoDoingEverythingRight
Heres a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It

guaantees that everyoneyou encounter will feel your warmth. I call it
HelloOldFriend.

When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your

mindseye,seehimorherasanoldfriend,someoneyouhadawonderful
relationship with years ago. But somehow youlost track of your friend.
Youtriedsohardtofindyourgoodbuddy,buttherewasno listinginthe
phone book. No information online. None of your mutual friends had a
clue.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise!After all those years, the two of

youarereunited.Youaresohappy.

Thatswherethepretendingstops.Obviously,youarenotgoingtotry

toconvincethenewpersonthatthetwoofyouarereallyoldfriends.You
are not going to hug and kiss andsay, Great to see you again! or How
haveyoubeenalltheseyears?You

HowtoMakeSomeoneFeelLikeanOldFriendatOnce29
merely say, Hello, How do you do, I am pleased to meet you. But,

inside,itsaverydifferentstory.

You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face

andbuoysupyourbodylanguage.Isometimesjokinglysayifyouwerea
light,youdbeamontheotherperson.Ifyouwereadog,youdbewagging
yourtail.Youmakethisnewpersonfeelveryspecialindeed.

In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another

participant beforetheyve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The
group chats as though at a pleasantsemiformal gathering. Later I ask
themtointroducethemselvestoanotherstranger,imaginingtheyareold
friends. The difference is extraodinary. When theyre using Hello Old
Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good

feeling. The airsparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are
standingcloser,laughingmoresincerely,andreachingouttooneanother.
IfeellikeImattendingaterrificbashthatsbeengoingonforhours.

Technique#6
HelloOldFriend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old

customer, an old beloved,or someone else you had great affection for).
Howsad,thevicisitudesoflifetoreyoutwoasunder.But,holymacerel,
now the party (the meeting, the convention) hasreunited you with your
long-lostoldfriend!

Thejoyfulexperiencestartsaremarkablechainreactioninyourbody

from thesubconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of
yourtoesandeverythingbetween.

NotaWordNeedBeSpoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Wheever

youre traveling incountries where you dont speak the native tongue, be
sure to use it. If you find yourselfwith a group of peple who are all
speaking a language unknown to you, just imainethemtobeagroupof
youroldfriends.Everythingisfineexcepttheymomentarilyforgothow
to speak English. In spite of the fact you wont understand a word, your
wholebodystillrespondswithcongenialityandacceptance.

Ive used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in Europe.

Sometimes myEnglish-speaking friends who live there tell me their
European colleagues say I am thefriendliestAmercan theyve ever met.
Yet,wedneverspokenawordbetweenus!

ASelf-FulfillingProphecy
An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a

self-fulfillingprophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you
start to really like them. AnAdelphi University study called,
appropriately, Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors
Making the Beliefs Come True proved it.Researchers told vounteers to
treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them.When surveyed
later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the
subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These

respondents expressed muchhigher respect and affection for the
volunteerswhopretendedtheylikedthem.Whatitboilsdowntoislove
begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the HelloOld
Friendtechniqueandyouwillsoonhavemanynewoldfriendswhowind
upgenuinelylikingyou.

Younowhaveallthebasicstocomeacrosstoeveryoneyoumeetasa

Somebody, a friendlySomebody.Butyourjobisntoveryet.Inaddition
to being liked, you want to appearcredible, inteligent, and sure of
yourself. Each of the next three techniquesaccomplishes one of those
goals.

HowtoComeAcrossas100PercentCredibletoEveryone
MyfriendHelenisahighlyrespectedheadhunter.Shemakesterific

hires for herclientsandIonceaskedherthesecretofhersucess.Helen
replied, Probably becauseI can almost always tell when an applicant is
lying.

Howcanyoutell?
Shesaid,Well,justlastweek,Iwasinterviewingayoungwomanfor

a position asmarketing director for a small firm. Throughout the
interview,theapplicanthadbeensittingwithherleftlegcrossedoverher
right.Herhandswerecomfortablyresinginherlapandshewaslooking
directlyatme.

Iaskedhersalary.Withoutswervinghereyesfrommine,shetoldme.

Iaskedifsheenjoyedherwork.Stilllookingdirectlyatme,shesaid,yes.
ThenIaskedherwhysheleftherpreviousjob.

At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaiing eye

contactwithme.Helencontinued.Then,whileansweingmyquestion,she
shifted in her seat and crossedher right leg over her left.At one point,
sheputherhandsuptohermouth.

Helensaid,ThatsallIneeded.Withherwordsshewastellingmeshe

felt her growthopportunities were limited at her previous firm. But her
bodytoldmeshewasnotbeingentirelyforthright.

Helenwentontoexplaintheyoungwomansfidgetingalonewouldnt

prove she was lying.Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she
wantedtopursuethesubjectfurther.

SoItestedit.Helenexplained.Ichangedthesubjectandwentbackto

more neutralterritory.Iaskedherabouthergoalsforthefuture.Again,
thegirlstoppedfidgeting.Shefoldedherhandsinherlapasshetoldme
how shed always wanted to work in a smallcompany in order to have
hands-onexperiencewithmorethanoneproject.

ThenIrepeatedmyearlierquestion.Iaskedagainifitwasonlythe

lackofgrowthopportunitythatmadeherleaveherprviousposition.Sure
enough,onceagain,thewomanshiftedinherseatandmomentarilybroke
eye contact. As she continued talkingabout her last job, she started
rubbingherforearm.

Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The

applicant had beenfired because of a nasty disagrement with the
marketingdirectorforwhomsheworked.

Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police

officers who interrogatesuspected criminals are trained to detect lies.
Theyknowspecificallywhatsignalstolookfor.Therestofus,although
notknowledgeableaboutspecificcluestodeceit,haveasixthsensewhen
someoneisnottellingusthetruth.

Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an ihouse

bookingagent.Afterinterviewingonefellowshesaidtome,Idontknow.
Idontreallythinkhehasthesuccessheclaims.

Youthinkheslyingtoyou?Iasked.
Absolutely.AndthefunnythingisIcanttellwhy.Helookedrightat

me.Heansweredallmyquestionsdirectly.Therewasjustsomethingthat
didntseemright.

Employersoftenfeelthisway.Theyhaveagutfeelingaboutsomeone

but they cant puttheir finger on it. Because of that, many large
companiesturntothepolygraph,orliedetector,amechanicalapparatus
designedtodetectifsomeoneislying.

HowtoComeAcrossas100PercentCredibletoEveryone33
Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for

premployment screening.The FBI, Justice Department, and most police
departments have used the polygraph onsuspects. Interesingly, the
polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine cando is detect

fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system changes in breathing
patterns,sweating,flushing,heartrate,bloodpressure,andothersignsof
emotionalarousal.

So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the

average person tells alie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily
changes do take place. When that happens,the individual might fidget.
Experiencedortrainedliars,however,canfoolthepolygraph.

Beware of the Appearance of Lying Even When Youre Telling the

Truth

Problemsariseforuswhenwearenotlyingbutarefeelingemtional

or intimidated bythe person with whom we are talking. A young man
telling an attractive woman about hisbusiness success might shift his
weight. A woman talking about her companys track record to an
importantclientcouldrubherneck.

More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who

doesntfeelnervousatallcouldloosenhiscollarbecausetheroomishot.
Apoliticiangivingaspeechoutdoorscouldblinkexcessivelybecausethe
air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgetymovements give the
listeners the sense something just isnt right or a gut feeling that the
speakerislying.

Professionalcommunicators,alerttothishazard,consciouslysquelch

any signs anyonecould mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze
on the listener. They never puttheir hands on their faces. They dont
massagetheirarmwhenittinglesorrubtheirnosewhenititches.They
dontloosentheircollarwhenitshotorblinkbecauseitssandy.Theydont
wipeawaytinyperspiration

beadsinpublicorshieldtheireyesfromthesun.Theysufferbecause

they know fidgetingundermines credibility. Consider the infamous
September 25, 1960, televised presidentialdebate between Richard
MilhousNixonandJohnFitzgeraldKennedy.Politicalpunditsspeculate
Nixons lack of makeup, his fidgeting, and mopping his brow on camera
losthimtheelection.

If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to

squelchallextraneousmovementwhenyourcommunictioncounts.Icall

thetechniqueLimittheFidget.

Nowletstackleintelligence.What?youask.Canpeoplecomeacross

asmoreintelligentthantheyreallyare?Well,didyoueverhearofHans,
the counting horse? Hans wasconsidered the most intelligent horse in
history,andheusedthetechniqueImabouttosuggest.

Technique#7
LimittheFidget
Wheneveryourconversationreallycounts,letyournoseitch,yourear

tingle, or yourfoot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or
scratch. And above all, keep yourpaws away from your puss. Hand
motions near your face and all fidgeting can give yourlistener the gut
feelingyourefibbing.

HowtoReadPeopleLikeYouHaveESP
Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was

ownedbyHerrvonOsten,aBerliner,whohadtrainedHanstodosimple
arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof.So prodigious was Hanss
abilitythatthehorsesfamequicklyspreadthroughoutEuropeintheearly
1900s.HebecameknownasCleverHans,thecountinghorse.

HerrvonOstentaughtHanstodomorethanjustadd.Soonthehorse

could subtract anddivide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the
multiplicationtables.Thehorsebecamequiteaphnomenon.Withouthis
owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out thesize of his
audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting
questiontheyaskedhim.

Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from

animallanguage.Hanslearnedthealphabet.Bytappingouthoofbeatsfor
eachletter,heansweredanyquestionaboutanthinghumanshadreadina
newspaper or heard on the radio. He could evenanswer common
questionsabouthistory,geography,andhumanbiology.

Hansmadeheadlinesandwasthemaintopicofdiscussionatdinner

parties throughoutEurope. The human horse quickly attracted the
attentionofscientists,psychologyprofessors,veterinarians,evencavalry
officers. Naturally they were skeptical, so they established anofficial
commissiontodecidewhetherthehorsewasacaseofclevertrickeryor

equinegenius.Whatevertheirsupicions,itwasobvioustoall,Hanswasa
verysmarthorse.Coparedtootherhorses,HanswasaSomebody.

Cuttotoday.Whyisitwhenyoutalkwithcertainindividalsyoujust

knowtheyaresmarterthanotherpeoplethattheyareaSomebody?Often
theyre not discussing highfalutinsubjects or using two-dollar words.
Nevertheless, everybody knows. Peple say, Shessmart as a whip, He
doesnt miss a trick, She picks up on everything, Hes got the rightstuff,
Shesgothorsesense.WhichbringsusbacktoHans.

Thedayofthebigtestarrived.Everyonewasconvinceditmustbea

trickorchestratedbyHerrvonOsten,Hanssowner.Itwasstandingroom
only in the auditorium filled withscientists, reporters, clairvoyants,
psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly awaited theanswer. The canny
commissionmemberswerecofidentthiswasthedaytheywouldexpose
Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They
weregoingtobarvonOstenfromthehallandputhishorsetothetestall
alone.

When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave

the auditorium. Thesurprisedownerdeparted,andHanswasstrandedin
anauditoriumwithasuspiciousandanxiousaudience.

The confident commission leader asked Hans the first matematical

question.Hetappedouttherightanswer!Asecond.Hegotitright!Then
athird.Thenthelanguagequestionsfollowed.Hegotthemallright!

Thecommissionwasbefuddled.Thecriticsweresilenced.
However, the public wasnt. With a great outcry, they insisted on a

new commission. Theworld waited while, once again, the authorities
gathered scientists, professors,veterinarians, cavalry officers, and
reportersfromaroundtheworld.

HowtoReadPeopleLikeYouHaveESP37
Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth

about the cleverhorse come out. Commission number two started the
enquiryperfunctorilywithasimpleadditionprolem.Thistime,however,
instead of asking the question out loud for all tohear, one researcher
whispered a number in Hanss ear, and a second researcher whispered
another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans

remained dumb! Aha!The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting
world.Canyouguesswhatthatwas?

Heresahint:whentheaudienceorresearcherknewtheanswer,Hans

did,too.Nowcanyouguess?

Peoplegaveoffverysubtlebody-languagesignalsthemomentHanss

hoof gave the rightnumber of taps. When Hans started tapping the
answer to a question, the audience wouldshow sutle signs of tension.
Then, when Hans reached the right number, they respondedby an
expulsionofbreathorslightrelaxationofmuscles.VonOstenhadtrained
Hans tostop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right
answer.

Hans was using the technique I call Hanss Horse Sense. He watched

his audiences reactionsvery carefully and planned his responses
accordingly.

IfaHorseCanDoIt,SoCanYou
Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone

asksyoutohitthemutebuttononthetelevisionsotheycantalk.Because
theres no sound now, you watch the TVaction more carfully. You see
performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, andscores of other
expressions. You dont miss a bit of the story because, just from their
expressions, you can tell what theyre thining. Hanss Horse Sense is just
thatwatchingpeople, seeing how theyre reacting, and then making your
moves accordingly. Even whileyoure talking, keep your eyes on your
listeners and watch how theyre responding to whatyoure saying. Dont
missatrick.

Are they smiling?Are they nodding?Are their palms up? They like

whattheyrehearing.

Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knucles

clenched?Maybetheydont.

Aretheyrubbingtheirnecks?Aretheysteppingback?Aretheirfeet

pointingtowardthedoor?Maybetheywanttogetaway.Youdontneeda
completecourseinbodylanguagehere.Alreadyyourlifesexperiencehas
given you a good grounding in that. Most people know iftheir
conversation partners step back or look away, theyre not interested in

what youresaying. When they think youre a pain in the neck they rub
theirs.Whentheyfeel

superior to you, they steeple their hands. Well explore more body-

languagespecificsinTechnique#77:

Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the

silentchannelbeingbroadcastbythespeaker.

You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a

confident, credible, andcharismatic person who makes everyone he or
she comes in contact with feel like a million.Lets explore one last
technique in this section to put it all together and make sure youdont
missabeat.

Technique#8
HanssHorseSense
Makeitahabittogetonadualtrackwhiletalking.Expressyourself,

butkeepakeeneyeonhowyourlistenerisreactingtowhatyouresaying.
Thenplanyourmovesaccordingly.

Ifahorsecandoit,socanahuman.Peoplewillsayyoupickupon

everything.Younevermissatrick.Youvegothorsesense.

HowtoMakeSureYouDontMissaSingleBeat
Youveseenprofessionalskiingontelevision?Theathleteatthetopof

the piste, everymuscleprimedandpoised,waitingfortheguntopropel
him to ultimate victory. Lookdeeply into his eyes and youll see he is
having an out-of-body experience. In his mindseye, the skier is
swooshingdowntheslope,zappingbackandforthbetweenthepoles,and
sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought
possible.Theathleteisvisualizing.

All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers,

swimmers,

skaters,acrobats. They visualize their magic before

performing it. They see their own bodiesbending, twising, flipping, or
flyingthroughtheair.Theyhearthesoundofthewind,thesplashinthe
water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the
grass, the cement, the pool, the dust. Before they move a muscle,
professional athleteswatch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in
theirownvictory.

Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for tolevel

competitiveathletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend
athletes sharpen their golf, theirtennis, their running, whatever their
favorite activity. Experts agree if you see the pitures, hear the sounds,
and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the
activity,theeffectispowerful.

Twenty-SixMilesonMyMattress
Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! My friend Richard

runs marathons. Once, severalyears ago, a scant three weeks before the
bigNewYorkmarathon,anout-of-controlcar crashedintoRichardsand
hewastakentothehospital.Hewasnotbadlyinjured.Nevertheless, his
friendsfeltsorryforhimbecausebeinglaiduptwoweeksinbedwould,
naturally,knockhimoutofthebigevent.

Whatasurprisewhen,onthatcrispNovembermarathonmorningin

Central Park, Richardshowed up in his little shorts and big running
shoes.

Richard,areyoucrazy?Youreinnoshapetorun.Youvebeeninbed

thesepastfewweeks!weallcriedout.

Mybodymayhavebeeninbed,hereplied,butIvebeenrunning.
What?weaskedinunison.
Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on my

mattress. Richard explainedthat in his imagination he saw himself
traversingeverystepofthecourse.Hesawthesights,heardthesounds,
and felt the twitching movements in his mucles. He visualizedhimself
racinginthemarathon.

Richarddidntdoaswellashehadtheyearbefore,butthemiracleis

hefinishedthemarathon,withoutinjury,withoutexcesivefatiguethanks
to his visualization. Itworks in just about any endeavor you apply it
toincludingbeingaterrificcommunicator.

Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when

you have a calm state ofmindcanyougetclear,vividimages.Doyour
visualizationinthequietofyourhomeorcarbeforeleavingfortheparty,
theconvention,orthebig-dealmeeing.Seeitallinyourmindseyeahead
oftime.

Younowhavetheskillsnecessarytogetyoustartedontherightfoot

withanynewpersoninyourlife.Thinkofyourselfin

HowtoMakeSureYouDontMissaSingleBeat41
Technique#9
WatchtheSceneBeforeYouMaketheScene
Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time.

SEE yourself walkingaroundwithHangbyYourTeethposture,shaking
hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, andmaking Sticky Eyes. HEAR
youself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasureof
knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you.
VISUALIZE

yourselfa Super Somebody. Then it all happens

automatically.

thesefirstmomentslikearockettakingoff.WhenthefolksatCape

Kennedy aim aspacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the millionth of a
degree at the beginning, when thecraft is still on the ground, means
missing the moon by thousands of miles. Likwise, atiny body-language
blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you will never make a
hit with that person. But with The Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy
Eyes,HangbyYour Teeth,TheBig-BabyPivot,HelloOldFriend,Limit
the Fidget, Hanss Horse Sense, andWatch the Scene BeforeYou Make
the Scene, youll be right on course to get whatever youeventually want
fromanybodybeitbusiness,friendship,orlove.

Wenowmovefromthesilentworldtothespokenword.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTTWO

HowtoKnowWhattoSayAfterYouSayHi
Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words

should delight theirears.Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with
either Welcome or Go Away! To make your conversation partner feel
welcome,youmustmastersmalltalk.

Smalltalk!Canyouheartheshudder?Thosetwolittlewordsdrivea

stake into the heartsof some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls.
Invite them to a party where they dontknow anyone, and it mainlines
queasinessintotheirveins.

Ifthissoundsfamiliar,takeconsolationfromthefactthatthebrighter

theindividual,themoreheorshedetestssmalltalk.Whenconsultingfor
Fortune 500 companies, I wasastounded. Top executives, completely
comfortablemakingbigtalkwiththeirboardsofdirectorsoraddressing
their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost childrenat parties
wherethepratterwaslessthanprodigious.

Small-talkhaterstakefurtherconsolationfromthefactthatyouarein

star-studdedcompany. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same
thing.Thebutterfliesyoufeelinyourstoachwhenyoureinaroomfulof
strangers flutter round the tummies of top performers. Pablo Casals
complained of lifelong stage fright. Carly Simoncurtailed live
performances because of it. A friend of mine who worked with Neil
DiamondsaidheinsistedthewordstoSongSungBlue,atunehedbeen
crooningforfortyyears,bedisplayedonhisteleprompter,lestfearfreeze
himintoforgetfulness.

IsSmall-Talk-a-PhobiaCurable?
Someday,scientistssay,communicationsfearsmaybetreatablewith

drugs. Theyre alreadyexperimenting with Prozac to change peoples
personalities.Butsomefeardisastroussideeffects.Thegoodnewsisthat
when human beings think, and genuinely feel, certainemotionslike
confidence that they have specific tecniques to fall back onthe brain
manufactures its own antidotes. If fear and distaste of small talk is the

disease, knowingsolidtecniquesliketheonesweexploreinthissection
isthecure.

Incidentally,scienceisbeginningtorecognizeitsnotchanceoreven

upbringing that onepersonhasabellyofbutterfliesandanotherdoesnt.
In our brains, neurons communicatethrough chemicals called
neurotransmitters.

Some

people

have

excessive

levels

of

a

neurotransmittercallednorepinephrine,achemicalcousinofadrenaline.
For somechildren, just walking into a kindegarten room makes them
wanttorunandhideunderatable.

Asatot,Ispentalotoftimeunderthetable.Asapreteeninanall-

girls boardingschool, my legs turned to linguine every time I had to
converse with a male. In eighthgrade, I once had to invite a boy to our
schoolprom.Theentireselectionofdancingmaleslivedinthedormitory
of our brother school.And I only knew one resident, Eugene.I had met
Eugene at summer camp the year before. Mustering all my courage, I
decidedtocallhim.

Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms. I put

thecalloff.Oneweekbefore,rapidheartbeatsetin.Iput

HowtoKnowWhattoSayAfterYouSayHi45
thecalloff.Finally,threedaysbeforethebigbash,breathingbecame

difficult.Timewasrunningout.

Thecriticalmoment,Irationalized,wouldbeeasierifIreadfroma

script. I wrote outthe following: Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last
summer.Remember?(IprogrammedinapausewhereIhopedhewould
say yes.) Well, National Cathedral Schools prom is this Saturday night
and Id like you to be my date. (I programmed in another pause where I
prayedhedsayyes.)

OnThursdaybeforethedance,Icouldnolongerdelaytheinevitable.

I picked up thereceiver and dialed. Clutching the phone waiting for
Eugenetoanswer,myeyesfollowedperspirtiondropletsrollingdownmy
armanddrippingoffmyelbow.Asmallsalty puddlewasformingaround
myfeet.Hello?asexy,deepmalevoiceansweredthedormphone.

In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice

telemarketer, I shot out,Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camplassummer-

remember?Forgettingtopauseforhisassent,Iracedon,Well-National-
Cathedral-Schools-prom-is-this-Saturday-nighand-Id-like-you-to-be-my-
date.

To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful Oh thats great, Id

love to! I exhaled myfirst normal breath all day. He cotinued, Ill pick
you up at the girls dorm at 7:30.Ill have a pink carnation for you. Will
thatgowithyourdress?AndmynameisDonnie.

Donnie?Donnie!WhosaidanythingaboutDonnie?
Well,DonnieturnedouttobethebestdateIhadthatdecade.Donnie

had buckteeth, ahead full of tousled red hair, and comunications skills
thatimmediatelyputmeatease.

OnSaturdaynight,Donniegreetedmeatthedoor,carnationinhand

andgrinonface.Hejokedself-deprecatinglyabouthowhewasdyingto
gotothepromso,knowingitwasacaseofmitakenidentity,heaccepted
anyway.Hetoldmehewasthrilled

when the girl with the lovely voice called, and he took full

responsibility for trickingme into an invitation. Donnie made me
comfortable and confident as we chatted. First wemade small talk and
thenhegraduallyledmeintosubjectsIwasinterestedin.Iflippedover
Donnie,andhebecamemyveryfirstboyfriend.

Donnieinstinctivelyhadthesmall-talkskillsthatwearenowgoingto

fashion intotechniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot
knife through butter. When youmaster them, you will be ablelike
Donnietomelttheheartofeveryoneyoutouch.

ThegoalofHowtoTalktoAnyoneisnot,ofcourse,tomakeyoua

small-talk whiz andstop there. The aim is to make you a dynamic
conversationalist and forceful communicator.However,smalltalkisthe
firstcrucialsteptowardthatgoal.

HowtoStartGreatSmallTalk
Youvebeenthere.Youreintroducedtosomeoneatapartyorbusness

meeting.You shake hands,youreyesmeet...andsuddenlyyourentire
bodyofknowledgedriesupandthoughtprocessescometoascreeching
halt.You fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence. Failing, your new
contactslipsawayinthedirectionofthecheesetray.

We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling, witty,

and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately reognize how
rivetingweare.Iwasonceatagatheringwhereeverbodywassparkling,
witty,insightful,andriveting.Itdrovemeberserkbecausemostofthese
sameeverybodiesfelttheyhadtoproveitintheirfirsttenwordsorless!

Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of

extremely bright individualswho score in the countrys top 2 pecent in
intelligence, invited me to be a keynotespeaker at their annual
convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby ofthe
hotelasIarrived.Aftercheckingin,Ihauledmybagsthroughthehoard
ofhappy-hourMensanstotheelevator.ThedoorsseparatedandIstepped
into an elevatorpackedwithpartygoers.Aswebeganthejourneyupto
ourrespectivefloors,theelvatorgaveseveralsleepyjerks.

Hmm, I remarked, in response to the elevators sluggisness, the

elevator seems a littleflaky. Suddenly, each elevator occupant, feeling
compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plusIQ, pounced forth with a
thunderous explanation. Its obviously got poor rail-guidealignment,
announced one. The relay contact is not made up, declared another.
Suddenly Ifelt like a grasshoper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldnt
waittoescapetheattackofthementalgiants.

Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and reflected

thattheMensansanswerswere,indeed,interesting.WhythendidIhave
an adverse reaction? I realized itwas too much, too soon. I was tired.
Theirhighenergyandintensityjarredmysluggishstate.

Yousee,smalltalkisnotaboutfactsorwords.Itsaboutmusic,about

melody. Small talkis about putting people at ease. Its about making
comforting noises together like catspurring, children humming, or
groupschanting.Youmustfirstmatchyourlistenersmood.

Like repeating the note on the music teachers harmonica, top

communicators pick up ontheir listeners tone of voice and duplcate it.
Instead of jumping in with suchintensity, the Mensans could have
momentarilymatchedmylethargicmoodbysaying,Yes,it isslow,isnt
it? Had they then prefaced their information with, Have you ever been
curiouswhyanelevatorisslow?Iwouldhaverespondedwithasincere

Yes, I have. After a moment of equalized energy levels, I would have
welcomed their explantions about therail-guard alignment or whatever
theheckitwas.Andfriendshipsmighthavestarted.

Imsureyouvesufferedtheaggressionofamoodmismatch.Haveyou

everbeenrelaxingwhensomeoverexcited,hot-breathedcolleaguestarts
pounding you with questions? Or thereverse: youre late, rushing to a
meeting, when an associate stops you and starts lazilynarrating a long,
languorous story. No matter how interesting the tale, you dont want to
hearitnow.

The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to

matchyourlistenersmood,ifonlyforasentenceortwo.Whenitcomes
to small talk, think music, not words.Is your litener adagio or allegro?
Matchthatpace.IcallitMakeaMoodMatch.

MatchingTheirMoodCanMakeorBreaktheSale
Matching customers moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years

ago,IdecidedtothrowasurprisepartyformybestfriendStella.Itwas
going to be a triple-whammy party becauseshe was celbrating three
events. One, it was Stellas birthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And
three,Stellahadjustlandedherdreamjob.Shehadbeenmybuddysince
grade school, and I was floating on air over her birthday-engagement-
congratulationsbash.

I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an

attractive back room forparties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I wafted
happily into the restaurant and found theseated ma”tre d languidly
lookingoverhisreservationbook.IbeganexcitedlybablingaboutStellas
triple-whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room Id
heardsomuchabout.Withoutasmileormovingamuscle,hesaid,Zee
roomeeseenzeeback.Youcangozeeeeteefyoulike.

CRASH.Whatapartypooper!Hismorosemoodkickedalltheparty

spiritoutofme,andInolongerwantedtorenthisstpidspace.BeforeI
evenlookedattheroom,helosttherental.Ilefthisrestaurantvowingto
findaplacewherethemanagementwouldatleastappeartosharethejoy
ofthehappyoccasion.

Everymotherknowsthisinstinctively.Toquietawhimperinginfant,

Mama doesnt justshake her finger and shout, Quiet down. No, Mama
picks baby up. Mama cries, Ooh, ooh, oh,sympathetically matching
babys misery for a few moments. Mama then gradually transitionsthe
twoofthemintohush-hushhappy

HowtoStartGreatSmallTalk49
sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you

want them to stopcrying,startbuying,orotherwisecomeroundtoyour
wayofthinking.

Technique#10
MakeaMoodMatch
Before opening your mouth, take a voice sample of your listener to

detect his or her stateof mind. Take a psychic photograph of the
expressiontoseeifyourlistenerlooksbuoyant,bored,orblitzed.Ifyou
everwanttobringpeoplearoundtoyourthoughts,youmustmatchtheir
moodandvoicetone,ifonlyforamoment.

HowtoSoundLikeYouveGotaSuperPersonality(NoMatterWhat

YoureSaying!)

Oncewhileataparty,Ispottedafellowsurroundedbyafanclubof

avid listeners. Thechap was smiling, gesticulating, and obvously
enthrallinghisaudience.Iwentovertohearkentothisfacinatingspeaker.
I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdroppedfor a minute or two.
Suddenly,itdawnedonme:thefellowwassayingthemostbanalthings!
His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic
observations with such passion, and therefore, he held the group
spellbound.Itconvincedmethatitsnotallwhatyousay,itshowyousay
it.

WhatsaGoodOpeningLineWhenIMeetPeople?
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer a

woman who once worked inmy office always gave me. Dottie often
stayedatherdesktoworkthroughlunch.Sometimes,asIwasleavingfor
thesandwichshop,Idaskher,HeyDottie,whatcanIbringyoubackfor
lunch?

Dottie,tryingtobeobliging,wouldsay,Ohanythingisfinewithme.
No,Dottie!Iwantedtoscream.Tellmewhatyouwant.Hamncheese

on rye? Bologna onwhole wheat, hold the mayo? Peanut butter n jelly
withslicedbananas?Bespecific.Anythingisahassle.

Frustratingthoughitmaybe,myanswertotheopening-linequestion

is Anything! becausealmost anything you say really is OKas long as it
putspeopleateaseandsoundspassionate.

Howdoyouputpeopleatease?ByconvincingthemtheyareOKand

thatthetwoofyouaresimilar.Whenyoudothat,youbreakdownwalls
offear,suspicion,andmistrust.

WhyBanalMakesaBond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and

brilliant linguistic analystof Japanese origin. He tells us this story that
showsthevalueof,ashesays,unoriginalremarks.11

In early 1943after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when there

were rumors of JapanesespiesHayakawa had to wait seeral hours in a
railroadstationinOshkosh,Wisconsin.Henoticedotherswaitinginthe
station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of thewar, they were
apprehensiveabouthispresence.Helaterwrote,Onecouplewithasmall
childwasstaringwithspcialuneasinessandwhisperingtoeachother.

SowhatdidHayakawado?Hemadeunoriginalremarkstosetthemat

ease.Hesaidtothehusbandthatitwastoobadthetrainshouldbelateon
socoldanight.Themanagreed.

I went on, Hayakawa wrote, to remark that it must be espcially

difficulttotravelwithasmallchildinwinterwhentrainscheduleswere
so uncertain.Again the husband agreed.I then asked the childs age and
remarkedthattheirchildlookedverybig

HowtoSoundLikeYouveGotaSuperPersonality53
andstrongforhisage.Againagreement,thistimewithaslightsmile.

Thetensionwasrelaxing.

Aftertwoorthreemoreexchanges,themanaskedHayakawa,Ihope

youdontmindmybringingitup,butyoureJapanese,arentyou?Doyou
thinktheJapshaveanychanceofwinningthiswar?

Well,Hayakawareplied,yourguessisasgoodasmine.Idontknow

anymorethanIreadinthepapers.ButthewayIfiureit,Idontseehow
theJapanese,withtheirlackofcoalandsteelandoil...caneverbeata

powerfullyindustrializednationliketheUnitedStates.

Hayakawa went on, My remark was admittedly neither oriinal nor

well informed. Hundredsof radio commentators . . . were saying much
the same thing during those weeks. But justbecause they were, the
remarksoundedfamiliarandwasontherightsidesothatitwaseasy to
agreewith.

The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine

relief.Hisnextremarkwas,Say,Ihopeyourfolksarentovertherewhile
thewarisgoingon.

Yes, they are, Hayakawa replied. My father and mother and two

youngsistersareoverthere.

Doyoueverhearfromthem?themanasked.HowcanI?Hayakawa

answered.Boththemanandhiswifelookedtroubledandsympathetic.

Do you mean you wont be able to see them or hear from them until

afterthewarisover?

There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten

minutes they had invitedHayakawawhom they initially may have
suspected was a Japanese spyto visit them sometime intheir city and
have dinner in their home. And all because of this brilliant scholars
admittedlycommonandunoriginalsmalltalk.Topcommunicatorsknow
the most soothing andappropriate first words should be, like Senator
Hayakawas,unoriginal,evenbanal.

But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sicerity

andpassion.

AscentfromBanality
It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If you

find your companydisplays cleverness or wit, you match that. The
conversationthenescalatesnaturally,compatibly.Dontrushitor,likethe
Mensans,youseemlikeyoureshowingoff.Thebotomlineonyourfirst
words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because,remember,
peopletuneintoyourtonemorethanyourtext.

Anything,ExceptLiverwurst!
BacktoDottiewaitingforhersandwichatherdesk.SometimesasI

walked out the doorscratching my head wondering what to bring her,

shed call after me, Anything, exceptliverwurst, that is. Thanks, Dottie,
thatsalittlebitofhelp.

Heresmyanything,exceptliverwurstonsmalltalk.Anthingyousay

isfineaslongasitisnotcomplaining,rude,or

Technique#11
ProsaicwithPassion
Worriedaboutyourfirstwords?Fearnot,because80percentofyour

listeners impressionhas nothing to do with your words anyway.Almost
anything you say at first is fine. Nomatter how prosaic the text, an
empatheticmood,apositivedemeanor,andpassionatedeliverymakeyou
soundexciting.

HowtoSoundLikeYouveGotaSuperPersonality55
unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint

BLAMpeoplelabelyouacomplainer.Why?Becausethatcoplaintisyour
newacquaintances100percentsamplingofyousofar.Youcouldbethe
happiestPollyannaever,buthowwilltheyknow?Ifyourfirst comment
isacomplaint,youreagriper.Ifyourfirstwordsarerude,youreacreep.
Ifyourfirstwordsareunpleaant,youreastinker.Openandshut.

Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where theyre

from,howtheyknowthehostoftheparty,wheretheyboughtthelovely
suit theyre wearingor hundreds ofetceteras. The trick is to ask your
prosaicquestionwithpassiontogettheotherpersontalking.

Stillfeelabitshakyonmakingtheapproachtostrangers?Letstakea

quickdetouronourroadtomeaningfulcommunicating.Illgiveyouthree
quickie techniques to meet peopleat parties then nine more to make
smalltalknotsosmall.

HowtoMakePeopleWanttoStartaConversationwithYou
Singlesproficientatmeetingpotentialsweetheartswithoutthebenefit

of introduction(in the vernacular, making a pickup), have developed a
deliciously devious technique thatworks equally well for social or
corporate networking purposes. The technique requires noexceptional
skillonyourpart,onlythecouragetosportasimplevisualpropcalleda
Whatzit.

Whats a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry that is

unusualauniquepin,aninterestingpurse,astrangetie,oranamusinghat.
AWhatzitisanyobjectthatdrawspeoplesattentionandinspiresthemto
approachyouandask,Uh,whatsthat?YourWhatzit canbeassubtleor
overtasyourpersonalityandtheoccasionpermit.

I wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resebles a

doublemonocle.Oftenthecurioushaveapproachedmeatagatheringand
asked, Whatzit? I explain its alorgnette left to me by my grandmother,
which,ofcourse,pavesthewaytodiscusshatredofglasses,agingeyes,
love or loss of grandmothers, adortion of antiquejewelryanywhere the
inquisitorwantstotakeit.

Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-tbe-

legendarytechnique.Atagathering,haveyouevernoticed

HowtoMakePeopleWanttoStartaConversationwithYou57
someoneyouwouldliketotalkto?Thenyouverackedyourbrainto

conjureanexcusetomaketheapproach.Whatabountyitwastodiscover
thatheorshewaswearingsomeweird,wild,orwoderfulsomethingyou
couldcommenton.

TheWhatzitWaytoLove
Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or

new romance. My friendAlexander carries Greek worry beads with him
wherever he goes. Hes not worried. He knowsanywomanwhowantsto
talktohimwillcomeupandsay,Whatsthat?

Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose youre at a party. An attractive

woman spots you acrossthe room. She wants to talk to you but shes
thinking,Well,Mister,youreattractive.But,golly,whatcanIsaytoyou?
YoujustaintgotnoWhatzit.

BeaWhatzitSeeker,Too
Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you

wish to approach. Whynot express interest in the handkechief in the
tycoonsvestpocket,thebroochonthebosomoftherichdivorcŽe,orthe
school ring on the finger of the CEO whose company youwant to work
for?

The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of your

widgetshasatinygolf-clublapelpin?Say,Excuseme,Icouldnthelpbut

noticeyourattractivelapelpin.Areyouagolfer?Me,too.Whatcourses
haveyouplayed?

YourbusinesscardsandyourWhatzitarecrucialsocializingartifacts.

Whether you areriding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or
traversing the path to the party, makesure your Whatzit is hanging out
foralltosee.

Technique#12
AlwaysWearaWhatzit
Wheneveryougotoagathering,wearorcarrysomethingunusualto

givepeoplewhofindyouthedelightfulstrangeracrossthecrowdedroom
anexcusetoapproach.Excuseme,Icouldnthelpbutnoticeyour...what
ISthat?

The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly dtermined

politicianswhodontletonepartygoerescapeiftheythinkheorshecould
behelpfultotheircampaigns.IcallittheWhoozattechnique.

HowtoMeetthePeopleYouWanttoMeet
Say you have scrutinized the body of the important business cotact

youwanttomeet.Youvesearchedinvainfromthetipofhiscowlickto
thetoesofhisboots.HesnotsportingasingleWhatzit.

If you strike out on finding something to comment on, resort to the

Whoozattechnique.Likeapersistentpolitician,gotothepartygiverand
say, That man/woman over therelooks interesing. Who is he/she? Then
ask for an introduction. Dont be heitant. Thepartygiverwillbepleased
youfindoneoftheguestsinteresting.

If,however,youareloathtopullthepartygiverawayfromhisorher

other guests, youstill can perform Whoozat. This time, dont ask for a
formal introduction. Simply pump theparty giver for just enough
information to launch you. Find out about the strangers jobs,interests,
andhobbies.

Suppose the party giver says, Oh, thats Joe Smith. Im not sure what

his job is, but I knowhe loves to ski. Aha, youve just been given the
icebreaker you need. Now you make abeeline for Joe Smith. Hi, youre
Joe Smith, arent you? Susan was just telling me what agreat skier you
are.Wheredoyouski?Yougettheidea.

Technique#13
Whoozat
Whoozatisthemosteffective,leastused(bynopoliticians)meeting-

people device evercontrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the
introduction,orpumpforafewfactsthatyoucanimmediatelyturninto
icebreakers.

Nowthethirdinourlittletrioofmeeting-who-you-wanttricks.
HowtoBreakintoaTightCrowd
The woman youve decided you MUST meet is wearing no Whatzit?

Cant find the host for theWhoozat technique? To make matters worse,
shes deep in conversation with a group of herfriends. Seems quite
hopelessthatyouwillmaneuverameeting,doesntit?Youcantjust say,
Excuseme,IjustthoughtIdeavedropinandsayHello.

Noobstacleblockstheresolutepolitician,whoalwayshasatrickor

ten up his or hersleeve. A politico would resort to the Eavesdrop In
technique. Eavesdropping, of course,conjures images of clandestine
activitieswiretapping,Watergatebreains,orspies skulkingaroundinthe
murky shadows. Eavesdroping has historical precedent withpoliticians
so,inapinch,itnaturallycomestomind.

Atparties,standnearthegroupofpeopleyouwishtoinfitrate.Then

wait for a wordor two you can use as a wedge to break into the group.
Excuseme,Icouldnthelpoverhearingthatyou...andthenwhateveris
relevanthere.ForexampleIcouldnthelpoverhearingyourdiscussionof
Bermuda.Imgoingtherenextmonthforthefirsttime.Anysuggestions?

Now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to your

intended.

Technique#14
EavesdropIn
NoWhatzit?NohostforWhoozat?Noproblem!Justsidleupbehind

theswarmoffolksyouwanttoinfitrateandopenyourears.Waitforany
flimsyexcuseandjumpinwithExcuseme,Icouldnthelpbutoverhear..
..

Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it?

Momentarily.Willyoubeintheconversation?Absolutely!

LetusnowhopbackonthetrainthatfirstexploredSmallTalkCity

andtraveltothelandofMeaningfulCommunicating.

HowtoMakeWhereAreYouFrom?SoundExciting
You wouldnt dream of going to a party naked. And I hope you

wouldnt dream of letting yourconversation be exposed naked and
defenselessagainstthetwoinevitableassaultsWhereareyoufrom?and
Whatdoyoudo?

Whenaskedthesequestions,mostpeople,likeclunkingafrzensteak

on a chinaplatter,dropabrickoffrozengeographyorbafflingjobtitle
ontheaskersconversationalplatter.Thentheyslaponthemuzzle.

Youre at a convention. Everyone you meet will, of course, askAnd

where are you from? Whenyou give them the short-form naked-city
answer Oh, Im from Muscatine, Iowa (or Millnocket, Maine;
Winnemucca,Nevada;oranywheretheyhaventheardof),whatcanyou
expectexcept a blank stare? Even if youre a relatively big city slicker
fromDenver,Colorado;Detroit,Michgan;orSanDiego,California,youll
receiveapanickedlookfromallbutAmericanhistoryprofessors.Theyre
rapidlyrackingtheirbrainsthinkingWhatdoIsaynext?Eventhenames
ofworlclassburgslikeNewYork,Chicago,Washington,andLos Angles
inspire less-than-riveting responses. When I tell people Im from New
York City, whataretheyexpectedtosay?Duh,seenanygoodmuggings
lately?

Dohumanityandyourselfafavor.Never,ever,givejustaonsentence

response to thequestion,Whereareyoufrom?Givetheaskersomefuel
for his tank, some fodder for histrough. Give the hugry communicator
somethingtoconversationallynibbleon.Allittakesisanextrasentence
or two about your citysome interesting fact, some wittyobservationto
hooktheaskerintotheconversation.

Severalmonthsago,atradeassociationinvitedme to be its keynote

speaker

on

networkingand

teaching

people

to

be

better

conversationalists. Just before my speech, I wasintroduced to Mrs.
Devlin,whowastheheadoftheassociation.

How do you do? she asked. How do you do? I replied. Then Mrs.

Devlinsmiled,anxiouslyawaitingasampleofmy

stimulatingconversationalexpertise.Iaskedherwhereshewasfrom.

She plunked a frozenColumbus, Ohio and a big expectant grin on my
platter.Ihadtoquicklythawheranswerintodigestibleconversation.My
mind thrashed into action. Leils thought patern: Gulp,Columbus, Ohio.
Ive never been there, hmm. Criiny, what do I know about Columbus? I
know a fellow named Jeff, a successful speaker who lives there. But
Columbus is too big toask if she knows him . . . and besides only kids
play the Do-yoknow-so-and-so game. Mypanicked silent search
continued.IthinkitsnamedafterChristopherColumbus . . . butIm not
sure, so I better keep my mouth shut on that one. Four or five other
possibilitiesraced through my mind but I rejected them all as too
obvious,tooadolescent,ortoooff-the-wall.

Irealizedbynowthatsecondshadpassed,andMrs.Devlinwasstill

standing there with aslowly dissipating smile on her face. She was
waiting for me (the expert who, within thehour, was expected to teach
her trade association lessons on scintillating coversation)to spew forth
wordsofwitorwisdom.

Oh,Columbus,gee,Imumbledindesperation,watchingherfacefall

intotheworriedexpressionofapatientbeingaskedbythesurgeon,knife
poisedinhand,Wheresyourappendix?

HowtoMakeWhereAreYouFrom?SoundExciting65
InevercameupwithstimulatingconversationonColumbus.But,just

then, under theknife, I created the following technique for posterity. I
callitNevertheNakedCity.

DifferentBaitforShrimporSharks
Afishermanusesdifferentbaittobagbassorbluefish.Andyouwill

obviouslythrowoutdifferentconversationalbaittosnagsipleshrimpor
sophisticatedsharks.Yourhook shouldrelatetothetypeofpersonyoure
speakingwith.ImoriginallyfromWasington, D.C.Ifsomeoneat,say,an
art gallery asked me where I was from, I might answerWashington,
D.C.designed, you know, by the same city planner who designed Paris.
Thisopenstheconversationalpossibilitiestotheartistryofcityplanning,
Paris,othercitiesplans,Europeantravel,andsoforth.

At a social party of singles Id opt for another answer. Im from

Washington, D.C. The reason I left is there were seven women to every
manwhenIwasgrowingup.Nowtheconvesationcanturntotheecstasy
oragonyofbeingsingle,thepeceivedlackofdesirablemeneverywhere,
orevenflirtatiouspossibilities.

Technique#15
NevertheNakedCity
Wheneversomeoneasksyoutheinevitable,Andwhereareyoufrom?

never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-
wordanswer.

Learnsomeengagingfactsaboutyourhometownthatconversational

partners can comment on.Then, when they say something clever in
responsetoyourbait,theythinkyoureagreatconversationalist.

In a political group, Id cast a current fact from the constantly

evolving political faceof Washington. No need to speculate on the
multitudeofconversationalpossibilitiesthatunlocks.

Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning the

chamber of commerce orhistorical society of your town. Search the
World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an old-fashioned
encyclopediaall rich sources for future stimulaing conversations.Learn
somehistory,geography,businessstatitics,orperhapsafewfunfactsto
ticklefuturefriendsfunnybones.

TheDevlindebacleinspiredfurtherresearch.TheminuteIgothome,

I called the Columbuschamber of commerce and the historical society.
Sayyou,too,arefromColumbus,Ohio,andyournewacquaintancelays
it on you: Where are you from? When you are talking with a
businessperson, your answer could be, Im from Columbus, Ohio. You
know many major corportions do their product testing in Columbus
because its so comercially typical. In fact,its been called the most
AmericancityinAmerica.TheysayifitboomsorbombsinColumbus,it
boomsorbombsnationally.

Talking with someone with a German last name? Tell her about

Columbuss historic GermanVillage with the brick streets and the
wonderful1850s-stylelittlehouses.Itsboundtoinspirestoriesoftheold
country.YourconversationpartnerssurnameisItalian?Tell him Genoa,

Italy,isColumbusssistercity.

TalkingwithanAmericanhistorybuff?Tell him that Colubus was,

indeed,namedafterChristopherColumbusandthatareplicaoftheSanta
Maria is anchored in the SciotoRiver. Taling with a student? Tell her
aboutthefiveuniversitiesinColumbus.

Thepossibilitiescontinue.Yoususpectyourconversationparnerhas

an artistic bent?Ah, you throw out casually, Columbus is the home of
artistGeorgeBellows.

Columbusites,preparesometastysnacksforaskersevenifyouknow

nothingaboutthem.Heresagoodie.Tellthemyou

HowtoMakeWhereAreYouFrom?SoundExciting67
alwayshavetosayColumbus,OhiobecausethereisalsoaClumbus,

Arkansas; Columbus,Georgia; Columbus, Indiana; Columbus, Kansas;
Columbus, Kentucky; Columbus, Mississippi;Columbus, Montana;
Columbus, Nebraska; Columbus, New Jesey; Columbus, New Mexico;
Columbus, North Carolina; Colubus, North Dakota; Columbus,
Pennsylvania;Columbus,Texas;andColumbus,Wisconsin.Thatspreads
the conversational possbilities to fifteenother states. Remember, as a
quotable notable once said, No man would listen to you talkif he didnt
knowitwashisturnnext.

A postscript to the hellish experience I had with Columbus. Months

later,ImentionedthetraumatomyspeakerfriendfromColumbus,Jeff.
Jeffexplainedhishousewasreallyinasmallertownjustminutesoutside
Columbus.

Whattown,Jeff?
Gahanna, Ohio. Gahanna means hell in Hebrew, he said, and then

went on to explain why hethought ancient Hebrew hitorians were
clairvoyant.

Thanks, Jeff, I knew youd never lay a naked city on any of your

listeners.

HowtoComeOutaWinnerEveryTimeTheyAsk,AndWhatDoYou

Do?

Thirdonlytodeathandtaxesistheassuranceanewacquaintancewill

soon chirp, Andwhat do you do? (Is it fitting and proper they should

makethatquery?Wellpickupthat stickywicketlater.)Forthemoment,
thesefewdefensivemoveshelpyoukeepyourcrackerjackcommunicator
credentialswhenaskedtheinevitablequestion.

First, like Never the Naked City, dont toss a short-shrift answer in

response to theaskers breathless inquiry. You leave the poor fish
flopping on the deck when you just sayyour title: Im an actuary/an
auditor/anauthor/anastrophysicist.Havemercysoheorshedoesnt feel
likeanincompoopoutsiderasking,What,er,kindofactuizing(auditing,
authoring,orastrophysizing)doyoudo?

Youre an attorney. Dont leave it to laymen to try to figure out what

youreallydo.Fleshitout.Tellalittlestoryyourconverstionpartnercan
getahandleon.Forexample,ifyouretalkingwithayoungmothersay,
Imanattorney.Ourfirmspecializesinemploymentlaw.Infact,nowIm
involvedinacasewhereacomHowtoComeOutaWinnerEveryTime
TheyAsk,AndWhatDoYouDo?69

Technique#16
NevertheNakedJob
WhenaskedtheinevitableAndwhatdoyoudo,youmaythinkIman

economist/an educator/anengineer is giving enough information to
engender good conversation. However, to one whois not an economist,
educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying Im a
paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.

Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new

acquaintances to munchon. Otherwise, theyll soon excuse themselves,
preferringthesnacksbackatthecheesetray.

pany actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave

thatwasamedicalnecessity.Amothercanrelatetothat.

Talking with a business owner? Say Im an attorney. Our firm

specializes in employment law.My current case concerns an employer
whoisbeingsuedbyoneofherstaffforaskingpersonalquestionsduring
theinitialjobinterview.Abusinessownercanrelatetothat.

PainfulMemoriesofNakedJobFlashers
I still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when

cofrontedbynakedjobflashers.Likethetimeafellowatadinnerparty

told me, Im a nuclear scientist. Myweak Oh, that must be fascinating
reducedmetoamentalmoleculeinhiseyes.

Thechaponmyothersideannounced,Iminindustrialabrsives,and

then paused,waiting for me to be impressed. My Well, er, golly, you
musthavetobeashrewdjudgeofcharactertobein

industrialabrasivesdidntflyeither.Wethreesatinsilencetherestof

themeal.

Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, Im planning to teach

Tibetan Buddhism atTruckee Meadows Community Colege, and then
clammed up. I knew less about TruckeeMeadows than I did about
Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you what you do, give them
some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say
something.

HowtoIntroducePeopleLiketheHost(ess)withtheMost(est)
It is important to help newlymets through their first nervous

moments.

Susan,IdlikeyoutomeetJohnSmith.John,thisisSusanJones.Duh,

whatdoyouexpectJohnandSusantosay?

Smith? Umm, thats S-M-I-T-H, isnt it? Uh, er, golly, Susan, well,

now, theres aninteresting name. Nice-try-forget-it. Dont blame John or
Susanforbeingless

than scintillating. The fault lies with the person who introduced the

twothewaymostpeopleintroducetheirfriendstoeachotherwithnaked
names.Theycastoutalinewithnobaitforpeopletosinktheirteethinto.

Big winners may not talk a lot, but conversation never dies

unwillingly in their midst.They make sure of it with techniques like
Never the Naked Introduction. When theyintroduce peple, they buy an
insurance policy on the conversation with a few simpleadd-ons: Susan,
IdlikeyoutomeetJohn.Johnhasawoderfulboatwetookatriponlast
summer.John,thisisSusanSmith.SusaniseditorinchiefofShoestring
Gourmetmagazine.

PaddingtheintroductiongivesSusantheopportunitytoaskwhatkind

of boat John has orwhere the group went. It gives John an opening to
discusshisloveofwriting.Orofcooking.Orof

food.Theconversationcanthennaturallyexpandtotravelingeeral,

life on boats,past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, bugets, diets,
magazines,editorialpolicytoinfinity.

If youre not comfortable mentioning someones job during the

introduction, mention theirhobby or even a talent. The other day at a
gathering,thehostessintroducedamannamedGilbert.Shesaid,Leil,Id
like you to meet Gilbert. Gilberts gift is sculping. Hemakes beautiful
wax carvings. I remember thinking, Giftnow thats a lovely way to
introducesomeoneandinduceconversation.

Armed with these two personality enhancers, three converstion

igniters, and three smallextenders, it is time to take a step up the
communicationsladder.Letusnowrisefromsmalltalkandseekthepath
to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique is guaranteedto make
theexchangeengrossingforyourconverstionpartner.

Technique#17
NevertheNakedIntroduction
Whenintroducingpeople,dontthrowoutanunbaitedhookandstand

theregrinninglikeabigclam,leavingthenewlymetstofluttertheirfins
andfishforatopic.Baittheconversationalhooktogetthemintheswim
of things. Then youre free to stay or float onto the next networking
opportunity.

HowtoResuscitateaDyingConversation
Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while

making love, Is it good foryou, too, Honey? knows not to ask a
colleague,Istheconversationgoodforyou,too?Yethewoders...weall
do. With the following technique, set your mind at rest. You can
definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak.
Like my prom date,Donnie, you will miraculously find subjects to
engrossyourlisteners.

BeaSleuthonTheirSlipsoftheTongue
No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident hell

soonbestaringrightatitthroughhismagnifyingglass.Liketheunerring
detective, big winners know, no matterhow elusive the clue, theyll find
therighttopic.How?Theybecomeworddetectives.

I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home. Nancy

cares deeply about theelderly but often grumbles about how crotchety
and laconic some of her patients are. Shelaments she has difficulty
relatingtothem.

Nancytoldmeaboutoneespeciallycantankerousoldwomannamed

Mrs.Otis,whomshecouldnevergettoopenuptoher.

Oneday,Nancyconfided,rightafterallthoserainstormswehadlast

week,justtomakeconversation,IremarkedtoMrs.Otis,Terriblestorms
we had last week, dont you think?Well, Nancy continued, Mrs. Otis
practically jumped down my throat. She said in a snippyvoice, Its been
goodfortheplants.IaskedNancyhowsherespondedtothat.

WhatcouldIsay?Nancyanswered.Thewomanwasobvouslycutting

meoff.

DidyoueverthinktoaskMrs.Otisifshelikedplants?Plants?Nancy

asked.Well,yes,Isuggested.Mrs.Otisbroughtthesubjectup.

IaskedNancytodomeafavor.Askher,Ibegged.Nancyrsisted,but

I persisted. Justto quiet me down, Nancy promised to ask cantankerous
oldMrs.Otisifshelikedplants.

Thenextday,aflabbergastedNancycalledmefromwork.Leil,how

did you know? Not onlydidMrs.Otisloveplants,butshetoldmeshed
been married to a gardener. Today I had a diferent problem with Mrs.
Otis. I couldnt shut her up! She went on and on about hergarden, her
husband....

Top communicators know ideas dont come out of nowhere. If Mrs.

Otis thought to bring upplants, then she must have some relationship
with

them.

Furthermore,

by

mentioning

theword, it meant

subconsciouslyshewantedtotalkaboutplants.

Suppose,forexample,insteadofrespondingtoNancyscomentabout

the rain with Itsgood for the plants, Mrs. Otis had said, Because of the
rain, my dog couldnt go out. Nancycould then ask about her dog. Or
suppose she grumbled, Its bad for my arthritis. Can youguess what old
Mrs.Otiswantstotalkaboutnow?

When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good

detective, listen forclues.Beonthelookoutforanyunusualreferences:

anyanomaly,deviation,digression,orinvocationof

HowtoResuscitateaDyingConversation75
anotherplace,time,person.Askaboutitbecauseitsthecluetowhat

yourconversationpartnerwouldreallyenjoydiscussing.

If two people have something in common, when the shared interest

comes up, they jump on itnaturally. For example, if somone mentions
playingsquash(bird-watchingorstampcollecting)andthelistenershares
that passion, he or she pipes up, Oh, youre a squasher(or birder or
philatelist),too!

Heresthetrick:theresnoneedtobeasquasher,birder,orphilatelist

topipeupwithenthusiasm.YoucansimplyBeaWordDetective.When
youpickuponthereferenceasthoughitexcitesyou,too,itparlaysyou
intoconversationthestrangerthrillsto.(Thesubjectmayputyourfeetto
sleep,butthatsanotherstory.)

Now that youve ignited stimulating conversation, lets explore a

techniquetokeepithot.

Technique#18
BeaWordDetective
Likeagoodgumshoe,listentoyourconversationpartnerseveryword

forcluestohisorherpreferredtopic.Theevidenceisboundtoslipout.
Thenspringonthatsubjectlikeasleuthontoaslipofthetongue.Like
SherlockHolmes,youhavethecluetothesubjectthatshotfortheother
person.

HowtoEnthrallEmwithYourChoiceofTopicThem!
Severalyearsago,agirlfriendandIattendedapartysaturatedwitha

hodgepodge ofswellegantfolks.Everyonewetalkedtoseemedtoleada
niftylife.Discussingthepartyafterward,Iaskedmyfriend,Diane,ofall
theexcitingpeopleattheparty,whodidyouenjoytalkingtomost?

Without hesitation she said, Oh by far, Dan Smith. What does Dan

do?Iaskedher.Uh,well,Imnotsure,sheanswered.Wheredoeshelive?

Uh, I dont know, Diane responded. Well, what is he interested in?

Well,wereallydidnttalkabouthisinterests.Diane,Iasked,whatdidyou
talk about? Well, I guess we talked mostly about me. Aha, I thought.
Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner. As it turns out, I had the

pleasureofmeetingBig-WinnerDan

several months later. Dianes ignorance about his life piqued my

curiosity so I grilled himfor details.As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris,
has a beach home in the south of France,and a mountain home in the
Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and lightshows for
pyramidsandancientruinsandheisanavidhang

HowtoEnthrallEmwithYourChoiceofTopicThem!77
glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or

what?YetDan,whenmeetingDiane,saidnothingabouthimself.

I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little

she learned about hislife. Dan simply replied, Well, when I meet
someone, I learn so much more if I ask abouttheir life. I always try to
turnthespotlightontheotherperson.Trulycofidentpeopleoftendothis.
Theyknowtheygrowmorebylisteingthantalking.Obviously,theyalso
captivatethetalker.

SellYourselfwithaTopSalesTechnique
Several months ago at a speakers convention, I was talking with a

colleague Brian Tracy.Brian does a brilliant job of training top
salespeople. He tells his students of a giantspotlight that, when shining
ontheirproduct,isnotasinterestingtotheprospect.Whentheyshinethe
spotlightontheprospect,theymakethesale.

Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep your

Swiveling Spotlightaimedawayfromyou,onlylightlyonyourproduct,
and most brightly on your buyer.Youll do a much better job of selling
yourselfandyourproduct.

Technique#19
TheSwivelingSpotlight
When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight

betweenyou.Whenyouretalking,thespotlightisonyou.Whenthenew
person is speaking, its shining on him orher. If you shine it brightly
enough,thestrangerwillbeblindedtothefactthatyouhavehardlysaida
wordaboutyourself.Thelongeryoukeepitshiningawayfromyou,the
moreinterestingheorshefindsyou.

HowtoNeverNeedtoWonder,WhatDoISayNext?

Momentsarise,ofcourse,whenevenconversationalistsextraordnaire

hitthewall.Somefolksmonosyllabicgruntsleaveslimpicingsevenfor
mastersoftheBeaWordDetectivetechnique.

If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying

conversation (and if you feelfor political reasons or human copassion
thattheconversationshouldcontinue),heresafoolprooftricktogetthe
fireblazingagain.IcallitParrotingafterthatbeautifultropicalbirdthat
captureseveryonesheartsimplybyrepeatingotherpeopleswords.

Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the

background tuned to a tennisgame? You hear the ball going back and
forth over the netklink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink .. . this time you dont
hear the klunk. The ball didnt hit the court. What happened? You
immediatelylookupattheset.

Likewiseinconversation,theconversationalballgoesbackandforth.

First you speak,then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and so it goes,
backandforth.Eachtime,throughaseriesofnodsandcomfortinggrunts
likeumhum,orumm,youletyourcoversationpartnerknowtheballhas
landed in your court. Its your I got it signal. Suchis the rhythm of
conversation.

HowtoNeverNeedtoWonder,WhatDoISayNext?79
WhatDoISayNext?
Backtothatfrightfullyfamiliarmomentwhenitisyourturntospeak

but your mind goesblank. Dont panic. Instead of signaing verbally or
nonverbally that you got it, simplyrepeator parrotthe last two or three
words your companion said, in a sympathetic,questioning tone. That
throwstheconversationalballrightbackinyourpartnerscourt.

MyfriendPhilsometimespicksmeupattheairport.UsuallyIamso

exhaustedthatIrudelyfallasleepinthepassengerseat,relegatingPhilto
nothingmorethanachauffeur.

Afteroneespeciallyexhaustingtripsomeyearsago,Iflungmybags

in his trunk andflopped onto the front seat. As I was dozing off, he
mentionedhedgonetothetheaterthenightbefore.UsuallyIwouldhave
justgruntedandwaftedintounconsciouness.However,onthisparticular
trip,IhadlearnedtheParotingtechniqueandwaseagertotryit.Theater?

Iparrotedquizzically.

Yes, it was a great show, he replied, fully expecting it to be the last

wordonthesubjectbeforeIfellintomyusualsleepystupor.

Greatshow?Iparroted.Pleasantlysurprisedbymyinterest,hesaid,

Yes,itsanewshowbyStephenSondheimcalledSweeneyTodd.

Sweeney Todd ? I again parroted. Now Phil was getting fired up.

Yeah,greatmusicandanunbelievablybizarrestory....

Bizarrestory?Iparroted.Well,thatsallPhilneeded.Forthenexthalf

an hour, Philtold me the shows story about a Lodon barber who went
around murdering people. I halfdozed, but soon decided his tale of
Sweeney Todds cutting off peoples heads was disturbing my sleepy
reverie.SoIsimplybackedupandparotedoneofhispreviousphrasesto
gethimonanothertrack.

Yousaidithadgreatmusic?
That did the trick. For the rest of the forty-five-minute trip to my

home, Phil sang mePretty Women, The Best Pies in Lodon, and other
songs from Sweeney Toddmuch betteraccopaniment for my demi-nap.
Im sure, to this day, Phil thinks of that trip as one ofthe best
conversationsweeverhad.AndallIdidwasparrotafewofhisphrases.

Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customers real

objectionswhenitssoeasytoshakethemoutofthetreeswithParroting?

ParrotingYourWaytoProfits
Parrotingisalsoacanopenertopryopenpeoplesrealfeelings.Star

salespeople use itto get to their prospects emotional objetions, which
they often dont even articulate tothemselves.A friend of mine, Paul, a
used-car salesman, told me he credits a recent saleof a Lamborghini to
Parroting.

Paulwaswalkingaroundthelotwithaprospectandhiswife,whohad

expressed interestinasensiblecar.Hewasshowingthemeverysensible
Chevy and Ford on the lot. As theywere looing at one very sensible
familycar,Paulaskedthehusbandwhathethoughtofit.Well,hemused,
Imnotsurethiscarisright

Technique#20
Parroting

Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last

fewwordsyourconversationpartnersays.Thatputstheballrightbackin
hisorhercourt,andthenallyouneedtodoislisten.

HowtoNeverNeedtoWonder,WhatDoISayNext?81
for me. Instead of moving on to the next sensible car, Paul paroted

Right for you?Paulsquestioninginflectionsignaledtheprospectthathe
neededtosaymore.

Well, er, yeah, the prospect mumbled. Im not sure it fits my

personality.

Fits your personality? Paul again parroted.You know, maybe I need

somethingalittlemoresporty.Alittlemoresporty?Paulparroted.Well,
those cars over there look a littlemore sporty. Aha! Pauls parrot had
ferretedoutwhichcarstoshowthecustomer.Astheywalkedovertoward
aLamborghinionthelot,Paulsawtheprospectseyeslightup.Anhour
later,Paulhadpocketedafatcommission.

Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next

techniquegetsyourconversationpartneroffandrunningsoallyouhave
todoislisten(orevensneakoffunnoticedasheorshechatscongenially
away).

How to Get Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You

WantTo!)

Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime,

Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again of the three little pigs (or the
dancing princesses or how you and Mommymet). Daddy knows Junior
enjoyed the story so much the first time, he wants to hear itagain and
again.

Junior inspires the following technique called Encore! which serves

two purposes. Encore!makes a colleague feel like a hapy dad, and its a
greatwaytogivedyingconversationahearttransplant.

IonceworkedonashipthathadItalianofficersandmostlyAmerican

passengers. Eachweek, the deck officers were required to attend the
captains cocktail party.After the captains address in charmingly broken
English,theofficersinvariablyclumpedtogetheryakkingitupinItalian.
Needlesstosay,mostofthepasengersgraspofItalianendedatmacaroni,

spaghetti,salami,andpizza.

Ascruisedirector,itfellonmyshoulderstogettheofficerstomingle

with thepassengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab one of the
officersarmsandliterallydraghimovertoasmilingthrongofexpectant
passengers.Iwouldthenintroducetheoffcerandpraythateitherthecat
would release his tongue, or a pasHow to Get Em Happily Chatting (So
YouCanSlipAwayifYouWantTo!)83

sengerwouldcomeupwithamoreoriginalquestionthanGee,ifall

youofficersarehere,whoisdrivingtheboat?Neverhapened.Idreaded
theweeklycaptainscocktailparty.

Onenight,sleepinginmycabin,Iwasawakenedbytheshiprocking

violently from side toside. I listened and the engines were off. A bad
sign.Igrabbedmyrobeandraceduptothedeck.Throughthedensefog,
I could barely discern another ship not half a mile fromus. Five or six
officers were grasping the starboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I
rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage
over one eyestruggling up our violently rocking ladder. The officers
immediately whisked him off toour ships hospital. The engines started
againandwewereonourway.

The next morning I got the full story.A laborer on the other ship, a

freighter, had beendrilling a hole in an engine cylinder. While he was
working, a sharp, needle-thin piece ofmetal shot like a missile into his
righteye.Thefreighterhadnodoctoronboardsotheship broadcast an
emergencysignal.

International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal

mustrespond.Ourshipcametotherescueandtheseaman,clutchinghis
bleedingeye,wasloweredintoalifeboatthatbroughthimtoourship.Dr.
Rossi,ourshipsdoctor,wassuccessfullyabletoremovetheneedlefrom
theworkmanseye,thussavinghiseyesight.

TellEmAbouttheTimeYou...
Cut to the next captains cocktail party. Once again I was faced with

the familiarchallengeofgettingofficerstomingleandmakesmalltalk
withthepassengers.Imademyweeklytrektothelaconicofficersthrong
to drag one or two away and, this time, my handfell on the arm of the

ships doctor. I hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning
passengersandintroducedhim.Ithen

said, Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight of a seaman on

another ship after adramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, Im sure these
folkswouldlovetohearaboutit.

It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though Dr.

Rossi was blessedinstantly with the tongues of angels. His prviously
monosyllabic broken English becamethickly accented elquence. He
recountedtheentirestoryforthegrowinggroupofpassengers gathering
around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi enraptured to pullanother
officerovertoanawaitingaudience.

I grabbed the captains stripe-covered arm, dragged him over to

another pack of smilingpassengers and said, Captain Cafiero, why dont
you tell these folks about the dramaticmidnight rescue you made last
week?ThecatreleasedCafierostongueandhewasoffandrunning.

Backtothethrongtogetthefirstofficerforthenextgroup.BynowI

knew I had awinner.SignorSalvago,whydontyoutellthesefolkshow
you awakened the captain atmidnight last week for the dramatic
midnightrescue?

By then it was time to go back to extract the ships doctor from the

first bevy and takehim to his next pack of passengers. It worked even
betterthesecondtime.HehappilycommencedhisEncore!forthesecond
audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the captain to pull him
awayforasecondtellingwithanotherthrong.Ifeltlikethecircusjuggler
whokeepsalltheplatesspinningonsticks.JustasIgotoneconversation
spinning, I had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at
anotheraudience.

Thecaptainscocktailpartieswereabreezeformefortherestofthe

season.Thethreeofficerslovedtellingthesamestoryoftheirheroismto
new people every cruise. Theonly problem was I noticed the stories
gettinglongerandmoreelaborateeachtime.Ihadtoadjustmytimingin
gettingthemtodoarepeatperfomanceforthenextaudience.

How to Get Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You

WantTo!)85

PlayItAgain,Sam
Encore!iswhatappreciativeaudienceschantwhentheywantanother

songfromthesinger,anotherdancefromthedancer,anotherpoemfrom
thepoet,andinmycase,anotherstorytellingfromtheofficers.Encore!is
the technique you can use to request a repeatstory from a prospect,
potential employer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of youare
chattingwithagroupofpeople,simplyturntohimandsay,John,Ibet
everyonewouldlovetohearaboutthetimeyoucaughtthatthirty-pound
striped bass. Or, Susan,telleveryonethatstoryyoujusttoldmeofhow
you rescued the kitten from the tree. Heor she will, of course, demure.
Insist!Yourconversationpartnerissecretlylovingit.Thesubtextofyour
requestisThatstoryofyourswassoterrific,Iwantmyotherfriends to
hearit.Afterall,onlycrowdpleasersareaskedtodoanEncore!

Technique#21
Encore!
The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the

applauseisEncore!Encore!Letshearitagain!Thesweetestsoundyour
conversation partner can hear from your lipswhen youre talking with a
groupofpeopleisTellthemaboutthetimeyou...

Wheneveryoureatameetingorpartywithsomeoneimportanttoyou,

thinkofsomestoriesheorshetoldyou.Chooseanappropriateonefrom
their repertoire that the crowd willenjoy. Then shine the spotlight by
requestingarepeatperformance.

The added benefit of this technique is that, once youve got them up

and running with theirconversation, you can sneak off and find more
interestingcompany!

Onewordofwarning:makesurethestoryyourequestisoneinwhich

the teller shines. Noone wants to retell the time they lost the sale,
crackedupthecar,orbrokeupthebarandspentthenightinjail.Make
sure your requested Encore! is a positive story wherethey come out the
bigwinner,notthebuffoon.

Thefullbeautyofthistechniquewillhityoulikeahappythunderbolt

the first time youuse it with someone who is telling a long and
wearisometale.Yousimplytiptoeawayand lettheborespinthestoryon

andonwithyourfriend.(Ofcourse,yourfriendmayneverspeaktoyou
again.Butthatsnotgermainetothischapter!)

The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your

life.

HowtoComeAcrossasaPositivePerson
Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should

shareasecret,revealanintimacy,ormakeaconfessionofsortstoshow
they are human too.Airing your youthfulbattle with bed-wetting, teeth
grinding, or thumb suckingor your present struggle withgout or a
goitersupposedlyendearsyoutothemasses.

Well,sometimesitdoes.Onestudyshowedthatifsomeoneisabove

you in stature, theirrevealing a foible brings them closer to you.The
holes in the bottom of presidential candidate Adlai Stevensons shoes
charmedanation,asdidGeorgeH.W.Bushsshockingadmissionthathe
couldntstomachbroccoli.

Ifyoureonsurefooting,sayasuperstarwhowantstobecomefriends

withafan,goaheadandtellyourdevoteesaboutthetimeyouwereoutof
work and penniless. But if youre nota superstar, better play it safe and
keep the skeletons in the closet until later. Peopledont know you well
enoughtoputyourfoibleincontext.

Later in a relationship, telling your new friend youve been thrice

married, you got caughtshoplifting as a teenager, and you got turned
down for a big job may be no big deal. Andthat may be the extent of
whatcouldbeconstruedasblackmarksonanotherwiseflawlesslife of
solidrelationships,nomisdemeanors,and

an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship,

theinstinctivereactionisWhatelseiscoming?Ifhesharesthatwithme
so quickly, what else is hehiding? A closetful of espouses, a criminal
record, walls papered with rejectionletters?Your new acquaintance has
no way of knowing your confession was a generous act, awell-
intentionedrevelation,onyourpart.

Sofar,inthissection,youhavefoundassertivemethodsformeeting

people and masteringsmall talk. The next is both an assertive and
defensivemovetohelpspareyouthatpastysmilewetendtosportwhen

wehavenoideawhatpeoplearetalkingabout.

Technique#22
Ac-cen-tu-atethePos-i-tive
When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your

skeletonsforlater.Youandyournewgoodfriendcaninvitetheskeletons
out, have a good laugh, and dance overtheir bones later in the
relationship.Butnowsthetime,astheoldsongsays,toac-cen-tu-atethe
pos-i-tiveandelim-i-natetheneg-a-tive.

HowtoAlwaysHaveSomethingInterestingtoSay
Youveheardfolkswhine,Icantgototheparty,Ihaventgotathingto

wear. When wasthelasttimeyouheard,Icantgototheparty,Ihavent
gotathingtosay?

When going to a gathering with great networking possibilties, you

naturally plan youroutfitandmakesureyourshoeswillmatch.And,of
course,youmusthavejusttherighttieorcorrectcolorlipstick.Youpuff
yourhair,packyourbusinesscards,andyoureoff.

Whoa! Wait a minute. Didnt you forget the most important thing?

What about the rightconversation to enhance your image? Are you
actually going to say anything that comes tomindor doesntat the
moment?You wouldnt don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the
darkened closet, so you shouldnt leave your conversing to the first
thought that comes tomind when faing a group of expectant, smiling
faces. You will, of course, folow your instincts in conversation. But at
leastbepreparedincaseinspirationdoesnthit.

Thebestwaytoensureyoureconversationallyintheswingofthings

istolistentoanewscastjustbeforeyouleave.Whatshapeningrightnow
in the worldall the fires,floods, air disasters, toppled governments, and
stockmarketcrashespulverizesinto

greatconversationalfodder,nomatterwhatcrowdyourecirclatingin.
It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the folowing

technique to abusinesswoman in the worlds oldest prfession. For a
magazine article I was writing, Iinterviewed one of the savviest
operators in her field, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the famedMayflower
Madam.

Sidneytoldmeshehadahouserulewhenshewasinbusiness.Allof

her femaleindependent contractors were directed to keep up with the
daily news so they could be goodconversationalists with their clients.
This was not just Sidneys whim. Feedback from heremployees had
revealedthat60percentofhergirlsworkhourwasspentinchattingand
only 40 percent in satisfying the cutomers needs. Thus she instructed
them to read thedaily newpaper or listen to a radio broadcast before
leavingforan

Technique#23
TheLatestNews...DontLeaveHomeWithoutIt
Thelastmovetomakebeforeleavingforthepartyevenafteryouve

givenyourselffinalapprovalinthemirroristoturnontheradionewsor
scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.
Knowingthebig-dealnewsofthemomentisalsoadefensivemovethat
rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what
everybodys talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public,
especiallywhenitssurroundedbyegg-on-face.

HowtoAlwaysHaveSomethingInterestingtoSay91
appointment.Sidneytoldmewhensheinitiatedthisrule,herbusness

i n c r e a s e dsignificantly. Reports came back from her clients
complimenting her on the fascinatingwomen she had working for her.
The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove toexceed
hercustomersexpectations.

Readyforthebigleaguesofconversation?Letsgo.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTTHREE

HowtoTalk
LikeaVIP
Welcometothehumanjungle.Whentwotigersprowlingthroughthe

jungle chance upon oneanother in a clearing, they look at each other.
They freeze. Instinctively they calculate,If our staring came to
hissingcame to scratchingcame to clawingwho would win? Which of us
hasthestrongersurvivalskills?

Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals

inhabiting thecorporate jungle (or singles jungle or social jungle).
Humans start the process by lookingat each other and talking. In the
business world, while smiling and uttering How do youdo? Hello,
Howdy, or Hi, they are, like tigers, instinctively, instantaneously, sizing
eachotherup.

Theyre not calculating the length of each others claws or the

sharpnessoftheirteeth.Theyrejudgingeachotheronaweaponfarmore
powerful to survival as they have definedit. Humans are judging each
otherscommunicationsskills.Althoughtheymaynotknowthenamesof
the specific studies first proving it, they sense the truth: 85 percent of
onessuccessinlifeisdirectlyduetocommunicationsskills.13

TheymaynotbefamiliarwiththeU.S.CensusBureausrecentsurvey

showing employerschoose candidates with good communications skills
andattitudewayovereducation,experience,andtraining.Buttheyknow
communicationsskillsgetpepletothetop.Thus,byobservingeachother
carefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately
evidenttobothwhichisthebiggercatinthehumanjungle.

Itdoesnttakelongforpeopletorecognizewhoisanimpotantperson.

One clichŽ, oneinsensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you
can be professionally or personallydemoted.You can lose a potentially
important friendship or business contact. One stupidmove and you can
tumbleoffthecorporateorsocialladder.

Thetechniquesinthissectionwillhelpensurethatyoumakeallthe

right moves so thisdoesnt happen. The following comunications skills
giveyoualeguptostartyourascenttothetopofanyladderyouchoose.

HowtoFindOutWhatTheyDo(WithoutEvenAsking!)
To size each other up, the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask

each other is, Andwhat do you do? Hmm? Then they crouch there,
quivering their whiskers and twitching theirnoses, with an obvious Im
goingtopronouncesilentjudgmentonyouafteryouanswerlookontheir
pusses.

Big cats never ask outright, What do you do? (Oh they find out, all

right,inamuchmoresubtlemanner.)Bynotaskingthequestion,thebig
boys and big girls come across as moreprincpled, even spiritual.After
all,theirsilencesays,amanorwomanisfarmorethanhisorherjob.

Resistingthetemptingquestionalsoshowstheirsensitivity.Withso

much downsizing,rightsizing, and capsizing of corportions these days,
the blunt interrogation evokesuneasiness. The job question is not just
unpleasant for those who are between engagements.I have several
gainfullyemployedfriendswhohatebeingasked,And what do you do?
( Oneof these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS
collectionagent.)

Additionally, millions of talented and accomplished women have

chosen to devote themselvesto motherhood. When the cruel corporate
question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. Therude interrogation
belittles their commitment to their families. No matter how the women
answer, they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble Im just a
housewife.

Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, What do you do? for

another reason: theirabstinence from the question leads liteners to
believe that they are in the habit ofsoaring with a higflying crowd.
Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (Isuspect they invited
me as their token working-class person.) I noticed no one was asking
anyone what they didbecause these swells didnt do anything. Oh, some
might have a tickertape on the bed table of their mansion to track
investments.Buttheydeinitelydidnotworkforaliving.

Thefinalbenefittonotasking,Whatdoyoudo?isitthrowspeople

off guard. Itconvincesthemyouareenjoyingtheircopanyforwhothey
are,notforanycrassnetworkingreason.

TheRightWaytoFindOut
So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought

youd never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All
togethernow:How...do...you...spend...most...of...your...time?

Technique#24
WhatDoYouDoNOT!
A sure sign youre a Somebody is the conspicuous asence of the

question, What do you do?(You detemine this, of course, but not with
those four dirty words that label you aseither a ruthless networker, a
socialclimber,agold-digginghusbandorwifehunter,or someone whos
neverstrolledalongEasyStreet.)

HowtoFindOutWhatTheyDo(WithoutEvenAsking!)97
How do you spend most of your time? is the gracious way to let a

cadaver cutter, a taxcollector, or a capsized employee off the hook. Its
the way to reinforce an accomplishedmothers choice. Its the way to
assureaspiritualsoulyouseehisorherinnerbeauty.Itsawaytosuggest
toaswellthatyouresideonEasyStreet,too.

Now,supposeyouvejustmadetheacquaintanceofsomeonewhodoes

like to talk about hisor her work?Asking, How do you spend most of
your time? also opens the door forworkaholics to spout off, Oh golly,
they mock moan, I just spend all my time working.That, of course, is
your invitation to grill them for details. (Then theyll talk your earoff.)
Yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere
betweenatleisureandworkaddictedthechoiceoftellingyouabouttheir
jobornot.Finally,askingHowdoyouspendmostofyourtime?instead
ofAndwhatdoyoudo?givesyouyourbigcatstripesrightoff.

HowtoKnowWhattoSayWhenTheyAsk,WhatDoYouDo?
Now,99percentofthepeopleyoumeetwill,ofcourse,askAndwhat

do you do? Bigwinners, realizing someone will always ask, are fully
preparedfortheinterrogation.

ManyfolkshaveonewrittenrŽsumŽforjobseeking.Theytypeitup

and then trudge off tothe printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all

prospective employers. The rŽsumŽlists their previous positions, dates
of employment, and education. Then, at the bottom,they might as well
have scribbled, Well, thats me. Take it or leave it.And usually they get
left. Why? Because prspective employers do not find enough specific
pointsintherŽsumŽthatrelatedirectlytowhattheirfirmisseeking.

Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes of

their entire workexperience tucked away in their computers. When
applying for a job, they punch up only theappropriate data and print it
outsoitlookslikeitjustcamefromtheprinter.

My friend Roberto was out of work last year. He applied for two

positions:asalesmanagerofanicecreamcompanyandheadofstrategic
planning for a fast-food chain. He didextensive research and found the
ice cream company had deep sales diffculties and thefood chain had
long-rangeinternationalaspirations.

HowtoKnowWhattoSayWhenTheyAsk,WhatDoYouDo?99
Did he send the same rŽsumŽ to each?Absolutely not. His rŽsumŽ

neverdeviatedoneiotafromthetruthofhisbackground.Hoever,forthe
ice cream company, he highlighted hisexperience turning a small
companyaroundbydoublingitssalesinthreeyears.Forthefood chain,
he underscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of
foreignmarkets.

Both firms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them off

againsteachother.Hewenttoeach,explaininghedliketoworkforthem
but another firm was offering a highersalary or more perks. The two
firmsstartedbiddingagainsteachotherforRoberto.Hefinallychosethe
foodchainatalmostdoublethesalarytheyoriginallyofferedhim.

To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal

rŽsumŽ with just as much careas you would your written curiculum
vitae.InsteadofhavingoneanswertotheomnipresentWhatdoyoudo?
prepareadozenorsovariations,dependingonwhosasking.Foroptimum
networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated
oralrŽsumŽinanutshell.Beforeyousubmityouranswer,considerwhat
possibleinteresttheaskercouldhaveinyouandyourwork.

HeresHowMyLifeCanBenefitYours

Topsalespeopletalkextensivelyofthebenefitstatement.Theyknow,

whentalkingwithapotentialclient,theyshouldopentheirconversation
with a benefit statement. When mycolleague Brian makes cold calls,
instead of saying Hello, my name is Brian Tracy. Im asales trainer, he
says, Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from the Institute for Executive
Development. Would you be interested in a proven method that can
increase your sales from20 to 30 pecent over the next twelve months?
Thatishisbenefitstatement.Hehighlightsthespecificbenefitsofwhat
hehastooffertohisprospect.

MyhairdresserGloria,Idiscovered,givesaterrificbenefitstatement

to everyone shemeets. Thats probably why she has so many clients. In
fact,thatshowshegotmeasaclient.WhenImetGloriaataconvention,
she told me she was a hairdresser whospecialized in flexible hairstyles
forthebusinesswoman.Shecasallymentionedshehasmanyclientswho
chooseaconservativehairstyleforworkthattheycaninstantlyconvertto
a feminine style for social situations. Hey, thats me, I said to myself,
figeringmystringylittleponytail.IaskedforhercardandGloriabecame
myhairdresser.

Then,severalmonthslater,IhappenedtoseeGloriaatanotherevent.

I overheard herchatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet
table. Gloria was saying . . . andwe specialize in a wonderful array of
bluerinses.Nowthatwasnewstome!Ididntrememberseeingonegrey
headinhersalon.

As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking

animatedly with the hoststeenage daughters. Oh yeah, she was saying,
like we specialize in these really coolup-to-the-minute styles. Good for
you,Gloria!

Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over before

answeringtheinevitableWhatdoyoudo?Whensomoneasks,nevergive
just a one-word answer. Thatsfor forms. If business networking is on
your mind, ask yourself, How could my professionalexperience benefit
thispersonslife?Forexample,herearesomedescriptionsvariouspeople
mightputontheirtaxreturn:

Real estate agent Financial planner Martial arts instructor Cosmetic

surgeonHairdresser

HowtoKnowWhattoSayWhenTheyAsk,WhatDoYouDo?101
Anypractitioneroftheaboveprofessionsshouldreflectonthebenefit

his or her job hasto humankind. (Every job has some beefit or you
wouldntgetpaidtodoit.)Theadvicetothefolksaboveis

Dont say real estate agent. Say I help people moving into our area

findtherighthome.

Dont say financial planner. Say I help people plan their financial

future.

Dontsaymartialartsinstructor.SayIhelppeopledefendthemselves

byteachingmartialarts.

Dont say cosmetic surgeon. Say I reconstruct peoples faces after

disfiguringaccidents.(Or,ifyouretalkingwithawomanofacertainage,
astheFrenchsogracefullysay,tellher,Ihelppeopletolookasyoungas
theyfeelthroughcometicsurgery.)

Dontsayhairdresser.SayIhelpawomanfindtherighthairstylefor

herparticularface.(Go,Gloria!)

PuttingthebenefitstatementinyourverbalNutshellRŽsumŽbrings

yourjobtolifeandmakesitmemorable.Evenifyournewacquaintance
cant use your services, the next time heor she meets someone moving
into the area, wanting to plan their financial future,thinking of self
defense, considering cosmetic sugery, or needing a new hairstyle, who
comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return
description of theirjobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of
helpingpeoplewithneeds.

ANutshellRŽsumŽforYourPrivateLife
TheNutshellRŽsumŽworksinnonbusinesssituations,too.Sincethe

newacquaintanceswillalwaysaskyouaboutyourself,prepare

a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or

lovedone,makeyourlifesoundlikeyouwillbeafunpersontoknow.

As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life. Leil,

squinting her eyes againstthe torrential downpour, bravely reached out
the window into the icy storm to pull theshutters tight and keep the
familysafefromtheapproachinghurricane.BigdealMamaaskedme to

closethewindowswhenitstartedtorain.Still,marchingtowardtheopen
window,Ifanciedmyselfthefamilysbravesavior.

Youdontneedtobequitesomelodramaticinyourself-image,butat

leastpunchupyourlifetosoundinterestinganddedicated.

Technique#25
TheNutshellRŽsumŽ
Justasjob-seekingtopmanagersrolladifferentwrittenrŽsumŽoff

their printers foreach position theyre applying for, let a different true
story about your professional liferoll off your tongue for each listener.
Before responding to What do you do? ask yourself,What possible
interestcouldthispersonhaveinmyanswer?Couldhereferbusinessto
me?Buyfromme?Hireme?Marrymysister?Becomemybuddy?

Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into

yourcommunicationsbagoftricks.

HowtoSoundEvenSmarterThanYouAre
Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn

bigforhistongue?Bythesmileonthespeakersfaceandthegleaminhis
eye as the word limped off his lips,youknewhewasreallyproudofit.
(To make matters worse, he probably used the wordincorrectly,
inappropriately,andmaybeevenmispronouncedit.Ouch.)

The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more

creative, more intelligent.People with larger vocabularies get hired
quicker,promotedfaster,andlistenedtoawholelotmore.Sobigwinners
userich,fullwords,buttheyneversoundinappropriate.Thephrasesslide
gracefully off their tongues to enrich their coversation. The wordsfit.
Withthecarethattheychoosetheirtieortheirblouse,bigplayersinlife
choosewordstomatchtheirpesonalitiesandtheirpoints.

The startling good news is that the difference between a respected

vocabulary and amundaneoneisonlyaboutfiftywords!Youdontneed
muchtosoundlikeabigwinner.A merefewdozenwonderfulwordswill
giveeveryonetheimpressionthatyouhaveanoriginalandcreativemind.

Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You neednt pore over

vocabularybooksorlistentotapesofpompouspontificatorswith

103

impossible British accents.You dont need to learn two-dollar words

that your grandmother,ifsheheard,wouldwashoutofyourmouthwith
soap.

Allyouneedtodoisthinkofafewtired,overworkedwordsyouuse

everydaywordslikesmart,nice,pretty,orgood.Thengrabathesaurusor
bookofsynonymsofftheshelf.Lookupthatcommonwordevenyouare
bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine yourlong list of
alternatives.

For example, if you turn to the word smart, youll find dozens of

synonyms.Somewordsarecolorfulandrichlikeingenious,resourceful,
adroit,shrewd,andmanymore.Rundownthelistandsayeachoutloud.
Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right foryou? Try
eachonlikeasuitofclothestoseewhichfeelcomfortable.Chooseafew
favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural
staple of yourvocabulary. The next time you want to compliment
someoneonbeingsmart,say,youllbepurring

Oh, that was so clever of you. My how resourceful. That was

ingenious.Ormaybe,Howastuteofyou.

AndNow,forMenOnly
Gentlemen,wewomenspendalotoftimeinfrontofthemirror(asif

youdidntknow).WhenIwasincollege,itusedtotakemeafullfifteen
minutestofixmyselfupforadate.Everyyearsince,Ivehadtoaddafew
minutes. Im now up to an hour and a halfgussying myself up for an
eveningout.

Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up

foranightout,oryoupickaladyupfordinner,whatdoyousay?Ifyou
make no comment except, Well, are you ready to go? how do you think
thatmakestheladyfeel?

HowtoSoundEvenSmarterThanYouAre105
MyfriendGaryisanicegentlemanandheoccasionallytakesmeto

dinner. I met him abouttwelve years ago, and Ill never foget the first
timehearrivedonmydoorstepforourdate.Hesaid,Leil,youlookgreat.
Iadoredhisreaction!

IsawGaryamonthorsolater.Onmydoorstepagain,Leil,youlook

great.Theprecisesamewordsasthefirsttime,butIstillappreciatedit.

Its been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have been

friends. I see himaboutonceeverytwomonths,andeverydarntimeits
the same old comment, Leil, you lookgreat. (I think Ill show up one
eveninginaflannelnightshirtandamudpackonmyface.IswearGary
willsay,Leil,youlookgreat.)

During my seminars, to help men avoid Garys mistake, I ask every

male to think of asynonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one
womanandseveralmen.Iaskeachtopretendheisherhusband.Shehas
justcomedownthestairsreadytogoouttodiner.Iaskeachtotakeher
handanddeliverhiscompliment.

Darla, one says, you look elegant. Ooh! Every woman in the room

sighs. Darla, saysanother, taking her hand, you look stunning. Ooh!
Everywomanintheroomswoons.Darla,saysthethird,puttingherhand
betweenhis,you

look ravishing. Ooooh! By now every woman in the room has gone

limp.Payattentionmen!Wordsworkonuswomen.

MoreUnisexSuggestions
Suppose youve been at a party and it was wonderful. Dont tell the

hostsitwaswonderful.Everybodysaysthat.Tellthemitwasasplendid
party,asuperbparty,anextraordinary party.Hugthehostsandtellthem
youhadamagnificenttime,aremarkabletime,aglorioustime.

The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll

comfortably off yourtongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word
wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesnt have anymore syllables than won-
der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce.
Vocabularyisallamatteroffamiliarity.Useyournewfavoritewordsa
fewtimes and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, youll be very
comfortablewearingyourgloriousnewwords.

Technique#26
YourPersonalThesaurus
Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus.

Then, like slipping yourfeet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue
intoafewnewwordstoseehowtheyfit.Ifyoulikethem,startmaking

permanentreplacements.

Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich,

creativevocabularyandanaverage,middle-of-the-roadone.Substitutea
wordadayfortwomonthsandyoullbeintheverballyelite.

HowtoNotSoundAnxious(LetThemDiscoverYourSimilarity)
Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats

scramble aroundwithotherlittlealleycats.Similaritybreedsattraction.
But in the human jungle, bigcats know a secret. When you delay
revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, ithas much more
punch.Aboveall,youdontwanttosoundanxioustohaverapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experence,

insteadofjumpinginwithabreathless,Hey,me,too!Idothat,tooorI
know all about that, let your conversationparner enjoy talking about it.
Lethergoonaboutthecountryclubbeforeyoutellheryoureamember,
too.LethimgoonanalyzingthegolfswingofArnoldPalmerbeforeyou
start casually coparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and
Arnie.Lethertellyouhowmanytennisgamessheswonbeforeyoujust
hapentomentionyourUSTAranking.

Severalyearsago,IwastellinganewacquaintancehowmuchIlove

to ski. He listenedwithinterestasIindulgedinadetailedtravelogueof
places Id skied. I raved about thevariousresorts.Ianalyzedthevarious
conditions. I discussed artificial versus natral snow. It wasnt until near
theendofmymonologuethatI

107
finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He

replied,Yes,IkeepalittleapartmentinAspen.

Cool!IfhedjumpedinandtoldmeabouthisskipadrightafterIfirst

told him how muchI liked skiing, Id have been impressed. Mildly.
However, waiting until the end of ourconvesationand then revealing he
was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen skipadmade it
unforgettable.

Heres the technique I call Kill the Quick Me, Too!Wheever people

mentionanactivityorinterestyoushare,letthemenjoydiscussingtheir
passion. Then, when the time isright, casally mention you share their

interest.

Oh,IMustHaveBeenBoringYou
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment

presenteditselfataconvention.Anewcontactbegantellingmeabouther
recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was
where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, theWashington
Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went
bicycling inRock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my
mouth shut to practice my newtechnique. I was genuinely enjoying
hearingaboutthesefamiliarsightsfromavisitorsperspective.)

Iaskedherwhereshestayed,whereshedined,andifshehadachance

togetintoanyofthebeautifulMarylandorVirginiasuurbs.Atonepoint,
obviouslypleasedbymyinterestinhertrip,shesaid,Yousoundlikeyou
knowalotaboutWashington.

Yes,Ireplied.Itsmyhometown,butIhaventbeenbackthereinages.
Yourhometown!shesquealed.Mygoodness,whydidntyoutellme?

Imusthavebeenboringyou.

Oh, not at all, I replied honestly. I was enjoying hearing about your

tripsomuch,IwasafraidyoudstopifItoldyou.Her

HowtoNotSoundAnxious(LetThemDiscoverYourSimilarity)109
big smile and barely audible Oh gosh let me know I had won a new

friend.

Whensomeonestartstellingyouaboutanactivityhehasdone,atrip

she has made, a clubhebelongsto,aninterestshehasanythingthatyou
sharebite your tongue. Let the tellerrelish his or her own monologue.
Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how muchpleasure your
conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same
experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your
similarity.Andbesure tomentionhowmuchyouenjoyedhearingabout
hisorhersharedinterest.

Technique#27
KilltheQuickMe,Too!
Wheneveryouhavesomethingincommonwithsomeone,thelonger

youwaittorevealit,themoremoved(andimpressed)heorshewillbe.

You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for
quickconnectionwithastranger.

P.S.:Dontwaittoolongtorevealyoursharedinterestoritwillseem

likeyourebeingtricky.

HowtoBeaYoFirstietoGainTheirRespectandAffection
SEX!NowthatIhaveyourattention....Two-bitcomicshavebeen

using that gag fromthe days when two bits bought a foursquare meal.
However, big winners know theres athree-letter word more potent then
SEXtogetpeoplesattention.ThatwordisYOU.

Whyisyousuchapowerfulword?Becausewhenwewereinfants,we

thought we were thecenter of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME,
MYSELF,andI.Therestoftheshadowyformsstirringaboutus(which
welaterlearnedwereotherpeople)existedsolelyforwhattheycoulddo
for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated
everyaction,everyword,into,HowdoesthataffectME?

Bigwinnersknowwehaventchangedabit.Adultscamouflagetheir

self-centeredness undera mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the
human brain still immediately,instinctively, and unfailingly translates
everythingintotermsofHowdoesthataffectME?

Forexample,suppose,gentlemen,youwanttoaskacolleague,Jill,if

she would like tojoinyoufordinner.Soyousaytoher,Theresareally
good new Indian restaurant intown. Will you join me there for dinner
tonight?

110
HowtoBeaYou-FirstietoGainTheirRespectandAffection111
Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, By good does he mean

thefoodortheatmosphereorboth?Herreveriecotinues,Indiancuisine,
Imnotsure.Hesaysitsgood.However,willIlikeit?Whilethinking,Jill
hesitates.Youprobablytakeher hesitationpersonally,andthejoyofthe
exchangediminishes.

Suppose, instead, you had said to her, Jill, you will really love this

new Indianrestaurant. Will you join me there this evening for dinner?
Phrasingitthatway,youvealreadysubliminallyansweredJillsquestions
andshesmoreapttogiveyouaquickyes.

Thepleasure-painprincipleisaguidingforceinlife.Pschologiststell

useveryoneautomaticallygravitatestowardthatwhichispleasurableand
pulls away from that whichis painful. For many people, thinking is
painful.

Sobigwinners(whentheywishtocontrol,inspire,belovedby,sell

to people, or getthem to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They
translate everything into the otherpersons terms by starting as many
sentences as they can with that powerful littlethree-letter word, you.
Thus,IcallthetechniqueComm-YOU-nication.

Comm-YOU-nicateWhenYouWantaFavor
Puttingyoufirstgetsamuchbetterresponse,especiallywhenyoure

asking a favor,because it pushes the askers pride button. Suppose you
wanttotakealongweekend.You decidetoaskyourbossifyoucantake
Fridayoff.Whichrequestdoyouthinkheorsheisgoingtoreacttomore
positively? Can I take Friday off, Boss? Or this one: Boss, canyou do
withoutmeFriday?

In the first case, Boss had to translate your Can I take Friday off ?

into Can I dowithout this employee Friday? Thats an extra thought
process.(Andyouknowhowsomebosseshatetothink!)

However,inthesecondcase,Boss,canyoudowithoutmeFriday,you

did Bosss thinkingfor her. Your new wording made managing without
you a matter of pride for Boss. Of course,she said to herself. I can
managewithoutyourhelpFriday.

Comm-YOU-nicateYourCompliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation.

Getlemen, say a lady likesyour suit. Which woman gives you warmer
feelings?Thewomanwhosays,Ilikeyoursuit.Ortheonewhosays,You
lookgreatinthatsuit.

Big players who make business presentations use ComYOU-nication

toexcellentadvantage.Supposeyouregivingatalkandaparticipantasks
a question. He likes to hear you say,Thats a good question. However,
consider how much better he feels when you tell him, Youve asked a
goodquestion.

Salespeople, dont just tell your prospects, Its important that . . . .

Convincethembyinformingthem,Youllseetheimpotanceof....

When negotiating, instead of, The result will be . . .let them know,

Youllseetheresultwhenyou....

Startingsentenceswithyouevenworkswhentalkingtostrangerson

the street. Once,driving around San Francisco hoplessly lost, I asked
peoplewalkingalongthesidewalkhowtogettotheGoldenGateBridge.
Istoppedacoupletrudgingupahill.Excuseme,Icalledoutthewindow,
I cant find the Golden Gate Bridge. The pair looked at each otherand
shruggedwiththatHowstupidcanthesetouristsgetlookontheirfaces.
Thatdirection,thehusbandmumbled,pointingstraightahead.

Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered. Excuse me,

wheres the GoldenGate Bridge? Without smiling, they pointed in the
oppositedirection.

HowtoBeaYou-FirstietoGainTheirRespectandAffection113
Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon the

nextstrollingcouple,Icalledoutthewindow,Excuseme,couldyoutell
mewheretheGoldenGateBridgeis?

Of course, they said, answering my question literally. You see, by

phrasingthequestionthatway,itwasasubtlechallenge.Iwasasking,in
essence,Areyouabletogivemedirections?Thishitstheminthepride
button.Theywalkedovertomycarandgavemeexplicitinstructions.

Hey,Ithought.Thisyoustuffreallyworks.Totestmyhypothesis,I

trieditafewmoretimes.Ikeptaskingpassersbymythreeformsofthe
question. Sure enough, whenever Iasked, Could you tell me where . . .
people were more pleasant and helful than when Istarted the question
withIorwhere.

ImsurewhentheyrecovertheflightboxfromtheFallofManundera

figleafintheGardenofEden,itwillconvincetheworldofthepowerof
the word you. Eve did not askAdam to eat the apple. She did not
commandhimtoeattheapple.Shedidnteven

Technique#28
Comm-YOU-nication
Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immedately grabs your

listenersattention.Itgetsamorepositiveresponsebecauseitpushesthe

pridebuttonandsavesthemhavingtotranslateitintometerms.

Whenyousprinkleyouasliberallyassaltandpepperthroughoutyour

conversation,yourlistenersfinditanirresistiblespice.

say, Adam, I want you to eat this apple. She phrased it (as all big

winnerswould),Youwilllovethisapple.Thatswhyhebit.

Comm-YOU-nicationIsaSignofSanity
Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me

twelve times more oftenthanresidentsoftheoutsideworld.Aspatients
conditionsimprove,thenumberoftimestheyusethepersonalpronouns
alsodiminishes.

Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more

sane you seem to yourlisteners. If you eavesdrop on big winers talking
witheachother,youllnoticealotmoreyouthanIintheirconversation.

The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you-

oriented.

HowtoMakeThemFeelYouDontSmileatJustAnybody
Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion catlogues

that use the samemodel throughout? Whether she is engulfed in a
wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini,her face sports the same
plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling if you rappedon her
forehead,atinyvoicewouldcomebacksaingNobodysinhere.

Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have matered a

myriadofdifferentexpressions:aflirtatiousIvegotasecretsmileonone
page;aquizzicalIthinkIdliketogettoknowyoubutImnotsuresmile
on the next; and a mysterious Mona Lisa smile onthe third. You feel
theres a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful
head.

IoncestoodinthereceivinglineoftheshipIworkedon,alongwith

the captain, hiswife, and several other officers. One passenger with a
radiantsmilestartedshakinghandsdownourline.Whenhegottome,he
flashedashimmeringsmile,reveaingteethasevenandwhiteaskeyson
a new piano. I was tranfixed. It was as though a brilliant lighthad
illuminatedthedimballroom.Iwishedhimahappycruiseandresolved
tofindthischarminggentlemanlater.

115
Then he was introduced to the next person. Out of the coner of my

eye,Isawhisidenticalglisteninggrin.Athirdperson,thesamegrin.My
interestbegantodwindle.

When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person,

he started to resemblea Cheshire cat. By the time he was introduced to
thefifthperson,hisconsistentsmilefeltlikeastrobelightdisturbingthe
ambience of the ballroom. Strobe Man went onflashing everybody the
samesmiledowntheline.Ihadnofutherinterestintalkingwithhim.

Why did this mans stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and

plummet the next? Becausehis smile, although charming, reflected no
special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave thesame smile to everybody
and,bythat,itlostallitsspecialness.IfStrobeManhadgiveneachofus
a slightly different smile, he would have appeared sensitive and
insightful.(Ofcourse,ifhissmilehadbeenjustatadbiggerformethan
fortheothers,Icouldnthavewaitedfortheformalitiestobeovertoseek
himoutinthecrowdedballroom.)

ReviewYourRepertoireofSmiles
Ifyourjobrequiredyoutocarryagun,youwould,ofcourse,learnall

aboutthemovingpartsbeforefiringit.Andbeforetakingaim,youwould
carefullyconsiderwhetheritwouldmurder,maim,ormerelywoundyour
target.Sinceyoursmileisoneofyourbiggestcommunicationsweapons,
learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside
fiveminutes.Lockyourbedroomorbathroomdoorsoyourfamilydoesnt
thinkyouvegoneoffthedeepend.Nowstandinfrontofthemirrorand
flashafewsmiles.Discoverthesubtledifferencesinyourrepertoire.

Just as you would alternate saying Hello, How do you do, and I am

pleasedtomeetyouwhenbeingintroducedtoagroup

HowtoMakeThemFeelYouDontSmileatJustAnybody117
of people, vary your smile. Dont use the same on each. Let each of

yoursmilesreflectthenuancesofyoursentimentabouttherecipient.

InDefenseoftheQuickie
Therearetimes,Idiscovered,whenthequickput-onsmileworks.For

example, when youwant to engineer the acquaintance of someone to

whom you have not had the opportunity tobe intrduced. (In the
vernacular,thatspickthemup.)

The smiles pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn

researchers at the Universityof Missouri. They conducted a highly
controlled study titled Giving Men the Come-On:Effect of Eye Contact
and Smiling in a Bar Environment.(I kid you not.) To prove their
hypothesis,femaleresearchersmadeeyecontactwithunsuspecting male
subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment.
Sometimes,thefemaleresearchersfolowedtheirglancewithasmile.In
othercases,nosmile.

Technique#29
TheExclusiveSmile
If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confeerate dollar, it

loses value. Whenmeeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct
smile. Let your smiles grow out ofthe beauty big players find in each
newface.

If one person in a group is more important to you than the others,

reserveanespeciallybig,floodingsmilejustforhimorher.

The results? I quote the study: The highest approach behaior, 60

percent, was observedintheconditioninwhichtherewassmiling.That
translates into laymans English: The guycame over 60 percent of the
timewhentheladysmiled.Withoutthesmile,hemadetheapproachonly
20percentofthetime.So,yes,asmileworksforthosewhowishtopick
somebodyup.

However,insituationswherethestakesarehigher,tryTheFlooding

SmilefromthefirstsectionandnowTheExclusiveSmile.

HowtoAvoidSoundingLikeaJerk
DoyourememberthatscenefromthemovieclassicAnnieHallwhere

Diane Keaton is firstmeeting WoodyAllen?As shes chating with him,
wehearherprivatethoughts.Shesmusingtoheself,OhIhopehesnota
jerklikealltheothers.

Oneofthequickestwaystomakeabigwinnerthinkyouare,well,a

jerk,istouseaclichŽ.Ifyourechattingwithatopcomunicatorandeven
innocentlyremarkYes,Iwas tiredasadog,orShewascuteasabutton,

youveunknowinglylaidalinguiticbomb.

Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a trite

overworn phrase. Oh sure,just like the rest of us, big winers find
themselvesfeelingfitasafiddle,happyasalark,orhighasakite.Like
therestofhumanity,theyconsidersomeoftheiracquaintancescrazyasa
loon,nuttyasafruitcake,orblindasabat.Becausemanyofthem work
hard,manyofthemareasbusyasabeeandgetrichasCroesus.

Yetwouldanyofthemdescribethemselvesinthosewords?Notina

coons age! Why? Becausewhen a big winner hears your clichŽ, you
might as well be saying, My powers of imaginationare impoverished. I
cant think of anything original to say, so I must fall back on thesetrite
overwornphrases.Mouthingacom119

mon clichŽ around uncommonly successful people brands you as

uncommonlycommon.

Technique#30
DontTouchaClichŽwithaTen-FootPole
Be on guard. Dont use any clichŽs when chatting with big winners.

Dont even touch one witha ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell
freezesover?Notunlessyouwanttosounddumbasadoorknob.

InsteadofcoughingupaclichŽ,rollyourowncleverphrasesbyusing

thenexttechnique.

How to Use Motivational Speakers Techniques to Enhance Your

Conversation

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue is

evenmightierthanthepen.Ourtonguescanbringcrowdstolaughter,to
tears,andoftentotheirfeetinshoutingappreciation.Oratorshavemoved
nationstowarorbroughtlostsoulstoGod.Andwhatistheirequipment?
Thesameeyes,ears,hands,legs,arms,andvocalchordsyouandIhave.

Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a profesional

singer is blessedwith a more beautiful singing voice than the one we
were doled out. But the professionalspeaker starts out with the same
equipmentweallhave.Thedifferenceis,thesejasmithsuseitall.They
usetheirhands,theyusetheirbodies,andtheyusespecificgestureswith
heavyimpact.Theythinkaboutthespacetheyretalkingin.Theyemploy

manydifferenttonesofvoice,theyinvokevariousexpressions,theyvary
the speed with whichthey speak . . . and they make effective use of
silence.

Youmaynothavetomakeaformalspeechanytimesoon,butchances

aresometime(probablyverysoon)youregoingtowant

121
people to see things your way. Whether its persuading your faily to

spendtheirnextvacationatGrandmas,orconvincingthestockholdersin
your multimillion-dollarcorporationthatitstimetodoatakeover,doit
like a pro. Get a book or two on publicspeaking and learn some of the
tricks of the trade. Then put some of that drama into youreveryday
conversation.

AGemforEveryOccasion
Ifstirringwordshelpmakeyourpoint,pondertheimpactofpoerful

phrases. Theyvehelped politicians get elected (Read my lips: no new
taxes.)anddefendantsgetacquitted(Ifitdoesntfit,youmustacquit.).

IfGeorgeH.W.Bushhadsaid,Ipromisenottoraisetaxes,orJohnny

Cochran, during O.J. Simpsons criminal trial, had said, If the glove
doesnt fit, he must be innocent, theirbulkysetenceswouldhaveslipped
in and out of the voters or jurors cosciousness.As every politician and
trial lawyer knows, neat phrases make powerful weapons. (If yourenot
careful,yourenemieswilllaterusethemagainstyoureadmylips!)

One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named Barry

Farber who brightens uplate-night radio with sparkling siiles. Barry
would never use a clichŽ like nervous asa cat on a hot tin roof. Hed
describe being nervous about losing his job as I felt like anelephant
dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy. Instead of saying he
lookedataprettywoman,hedsay,Myeyeballspoppedoutanddangled
bytheopticnerve.

WhenIfirstmethim,Iasked,Mr.Farber,howdoyoucomeupwith

thesephrases?

My daddys Mr. Farber. Im Barry, he chided (his way of saing, Call

me Barry). He thencandidlyadmitted,althoughsomeofhisphrasesare
original,manyareborrowed.(ElvisPresleyused

How to Use Motivational Speakers Techniques to Enhance Your

Conversation123

to say, My daddys Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.) Like all profesional

speakers, Barryspends several hours a week gleaning through books of
quotations and humor. All professional speakers do. They collect bon
motstheycanuseinavarietyofsituationsmostespeciallytoscrapeegg
offtheirfaceswhensomethingunepectedhappens.

Many speakers use authors and speakers agent Lilly Walterss face-

saver lines from herbook, What to Say When Youre Dying on the
Platform.Ifyoutellajokeandnoonelaughs,tryThatjokewasdesigned
togetasilentlaughanditworked.Ifthemicrphoneletsoutanagonizing
howl, look at it and say, I dontundestand. I brushed my teeth this
morning.Ifsomeoneasksyouaquestionyoudontwanttoanswer,Could
you save that question until Im finishedand well on my way home?All
prosthinkofholestheymightfallintoandthenmemorizegreatescape
lines.Youcandothesame.

Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day

coversations. Instead of happyas a lark try happy as a lottery winer or
happyasababywithitsfirsticecreamcone.Insteadofbaldasaneagle,
trybaldasanewmarineorbaldasabulfrogsbelly.Insteadofquietasa
mouse,tryquietasaneelswimminginoilorquietasaflylightingona
featherduster.

Findphrasesthathavevisualimpact.InsteadofaclichŽlikesureas

death and taxes,tryascertainasbeachtrafficinJulyorassureasyour
shadowwillfollowyou.Your listenerscantseedeathortaxes.Butthey
sure can see beach traffic in July or theirshadow following them down
thestreet.

Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If youre riing in a

taxi withsomeone, as sure as that taxi meter will rise has immediate
impact.Ifyouretalkingwithamanwalkinghisdog,assureasyourdog
isthinkingaboutthattreeaddsatouchofhumor.

MakeEmLaugh,MakeEmLaugh,MakeEmLaugh
Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with, Hey

didjaheartheoneabout...?Planyourhumorandmakeitrelevant.For

example, if youre going to a meeting onthe buget, look up money in a
quotation book. In an uptight business situation, alittle levity shows
youreatease.

Once,duringanoppressivefinancialmeeting,Iheardatopexecutive

say,Dontworry, thiscompanyhasenoughmoneytostayinbusinessfor
yearsunless we pay our creditors. Hebroke the tension and won the
appreciationofall.LaterIsawasimilarquoteinahumorbookattributed
toJackieMason,thecomedian.Sowhat?Theexecstillcameacrossasa
coolcommunicatorwithhisclevercomment.

Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night

gnawingthepillowtryingtocomeupwithphrasesthepresswillpickup.
AMichiganveterinariannamedTimothy,aheavyhitterinhisownfield
but completely unknown outside it, made nationalheadlines when he
plannedtoattachapairoffeettoaroosterwholosthistofrostbite.Why?
Becausehecalleditadrumsticktransplant.

I dont know if a French woman, Jeanne Calment, then offcially the

worlds oldest person,was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday.
But she made international headlines whenshe told the media, Ive only
everhadonewrinkle,andImsittingonit.

MarkVictorHansen,abigplayerinhisownfieldbutoncereatively

unknown outside ofit, was propelled into national promnence when he
cameupwithacatchynameforhisbookcoauthoredwithJackCanfield,
Chicken Soup for the Soul. He told me his originaltitle was 101 Pretty
Stories. How far would that have gone? Soon the world was lapping up,
amongothers,hisChicken

How to Use Motivational Speakers Techniques to Enhance Your

Conversation125

Soup for the Womans Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul,

ChickenSoupfortheMothersSoul,ChickenSoupfortheChristianSoul,
plus second, third, and fourth servings ofchicken soup in hardcover,
paperback,audiocassette,videocassette,andcalendars.

AWordofWarning
No matter how good your material is, it bombs if it doesnt fit the

situation. I learnedthis the hard way during my cruise ship days. On a

cruise to England I decided to give mypassengers a reading of the
EnglishlovepoemsofElizabethBarrettandRobertBrowing.Youknow,
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It was a BIG hit. The
passengersloved it and raved for days. I couldnt walk out on deck
without some passenger turning tome and affectionately echoing, How
doIlovethee?

Technique#31
UseJawsmithsJive
Whetheryourestandingbehindapodiumfacingthousandsorbehind

the barbecue grillfacing your family, youll move, amuse, and motivate
withthesameskills.

Readspeakersbookstocullquotations,pullpearlsofwisdom,andget

gemstotickletheirfunnybones.Findafewbonmotstoletcasuallyslide
offyourtongueonchosenoccasions.Ifyouwanttobenotable,dreamup
acrazyquotable.

Make em rhyme, make em clever, or make em funny. Above all,

makeemrelevant.

Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and

fancied myself an eminentpoetry reader. I decided to reward the
passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruiseto the Caribbean and
didntgoanywhereintheneighborhoodofEngland)withmyspectacular
readingoftheEnglishlovepoems.WHATABOMB!Passengersavoided
meonthedeckfortherestofthecruise.Howdidyouboreme?Letme
counttheways.

HowtoBanterLiketheBigShotsDo(BigWinnersTellItLikeItIs)
IfyousteppedintoanelevatorfullofpeoplespeakingHungaian,you

might notrecognize they were Hungarian unless you spoke their
language.However,theminuteyouopenedyourmouth,theydrecognize
yourenotHungarian.

Its the same with the big cats. If you overhear several of them

speaking, you might notrecognize theyre big cats. However, the minute
you opened your mouth theyd recognize yourenot a big cat, unless you
spoketheirlingo.

What are some differences between a big cats growl and a litle cats

insignificanthiss?Oneofthemostblatantiseuphemisms.Bigcatsarent
afraid of real words. They call aspade a spade. Words like toilet paper
dontscarethem.Littlecatshidebehindbathroomtissue.Ifsomebodyis
rich,bigcatscallitrich.Littlecats,ohsoembarrassedattheconcept of
talking about money in polite company, substitute the word wealthy.
When littlecatsuseasubstitutewordoreuphemism,theymightaswell
besaying,Whoops,youarebetterthanIam.Iminpolitecompanynow
andsoIllusethenicey-niceword.

Big cats are anatomically correctno cutesy words for body parts.

Theyllsaybreastswhentheymeanbreasts.Whenthey

127
sayknockers,theymeandecorativestructuresthathangonthefront

door.Andfamilyjewelsareinthesafeonthewall.

Ifabigcatiseverindoubtaboutaword,heorshesimplyresortsto

French. If theyfeelthewordbuttocksisdebatable,derierewilldoquite
nicely,thankyou.

Technique#32
CallaSpadeaSpade
Dont hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesnt

meanbigcatsusetastelessfour-letterwordswhenperfectlydecentfivand
six-letter ones exist. Theyve simplylearnedtheKingsEnglish,andthey
speakit.

Heresanotherwaytotellthebigplayersfromthelittleonesjustby

listeningtoafewminutesoftheirconversation.

HowtoAvoidtheWorldsWorstConversationalHabit
Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an

advertisingagency,Louis,andhiswife,Lillian.Theeveningstartedwith
cocktails, followed by a gourmet mealaccompanied by a selection of
excellent wines. The conversation had been covivial, thecuisine
delicious, and the wine very fine. And very pletiful. At the end of the
evening, Louis raised his glass to make a toast. A few wine droplets
sloshedoutofhisglassontothetablecloth.

Aprettyyoungwomanwhowasthedateofanewartdiretornamed

Bobgiggledandsaid,Icantellyourefeelingnopain.Shockwaveswent

around the table. Everyone froze. Thehost was indeed a bit inebriated.
However, alluding to Louis being a little looped, evenin jest, was as
thoughthewomanhadsuddenlysmashedthecrystalchandelierabovethe
tablewithherdinner

plate.Oneguestquicklycoveredthegirlshorrifyinggaffebylifting

herglassandsayingNoneofusis.NooneinthecompanyofLouisand
Lilliancouldeverfeelanypain.Herestoatrulywoderfulevening.

Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful copany, and no

onewasfeelingpainanylonger.ExceptBob.He

129
knew his dates innocent teasing was a black mark, if not in his

personnelfile,onhispersonalfile.

Thenextsuresignofalittlecathoodisteasing.Littlecatsgoaround

pattingtheirfriendspaunchesandsaying,Enjoyingthatcheesecake,huh?
Or looking at their baldingheads and saying, Hey, hair today, gone
tomorrow,huh?Theythinkitshilarioustomakeaquipatsomeoneelses
expenseandsayYoudonthaveaninferioritycomplex.Youare inferior!
Hardyharhar.

Technique#33
TrashtheTeasing
A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease.An

innocent joke atsomeone elses expense may get you a cheap laugh.
Nevertheless,thebigcatswillhavethelastone.Becauseyoullbangyour
head against the glass ceiling they construct to keeplittle cats from
steppingontheirpaws.

Never, ever, make a joke at anyone elses expense. Youll wind up

payingforit,dearly.

HowtoGiveThemtheBadNews(andHaveThemLikeYouAllthe

More)

InancientEgypt,thepharaohtreatedthehumblestmessagerunerlike

aprincewhenhearrivedatthepalace,ifhebroughtgoodnews.However,
iftheexhaustedrunnerhadthemisfortunetobringthepharaohunhappy
news,hisheadwaschoppedoff.

Shadesofthatspiritpervadetodaysconversations.Onceafriendand

Ipackedupsomepeanutbutterandjellysandwichesforanouting.Aswe
waltzed happily out the door,picnic basket in hand, a smiling neighbor,
rockingawayonhisporch,lookedupattheskyandsaid,Ohboy,badday
forapicnic.Thenewcastsaysitsgoingtorain.Iwantedtorubhisfacein
mypeanutbutterandjellysandwich.Notforhisgloomyweatherreport,
forhissmile.

Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breatlessly

shoved my handful ofcash across the Greyhound counter, the grinning
sales agent gushed, Oh that bus left fiveminutes ago. Dreams of
decapitation!

Its not the news that makes someone angry. Its the unsypathetic

attitudewithwhichitsdelivered.Everyonemustgivebad

131
news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the

properattitude.Adoctor advisingapatientsheneedsanopertiondoesit
with compassion. A boss informing an employee he didnt get the job
takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief couselors atairports after fatal
crashessharethegrief-strickensentmentofrelatives.Bigwinners know,
when delivering any bad news, they should share the sentiment of the
receiver.

Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When

yourewearyfromalongflight,hasahotelclerkcheerfullychirpedthat
yourroomisntreadyyet?Whenyouhadyourheartsetontheroastbeef,
hasyourwaitermerrilywarbledthathejustservedthelastpiece?When
youneededcashfortheweekend,hasyourbanktellergleefullytoldyou
youraccountisoverdrawn?Itmakesyouastraveler,diner,ordepositor
wanttoputyourfistrightthroughtheirinsensitivegrins.

Hadmyneighbortoldmeoftheimpendingrainstormwithsympathy,

I would have appreciatedhis warning. Had the Grehound salesclerk
sympathetically informed me that my bus hadalready left, I probably
wouldhavesaid,Oh,thatsallright.

Technique#34
ItstheReceiversBall
Afootballplayerwouldntlasttwobeatsofthetimeclockifhemade

blindpasses.Aprothrowstheballwiththereceiveralwaysinmind.

Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then

deliver it with a smile, asigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel
aboutthenews,buthowthereceiverwilltakeit.

HowtoGiveThemtheBadNews(andHaveThemLikeYouAllthe

More)133

Illcatchthenextone.Bigwinners,whentheybearbadnews,deliver

bombswiththeemotionthebombardedpersonissuretohave.

Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also know

how not to give any newsto anyone, even when people are pressuring
them.Letsexplorethatnext.

HowtoRespondWhenYouDontWanttoAnswer(andWishTheyd

ShuttheHeckUp)

One of my clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business,

recently separated fromher husband and business partner, Frank, a
megastar in the furniture business. Theysuffered a long and messy
divorcethatresultedinthemkeepingthebusinessjointlybutnot having
todealwitheachother.

Soonafterthedivorce,IwasatanindustryconventionwithBarbara.

Since she and Frankwere both beloved in the industry, people were
curiousaboutwhathadhappenedandhowitaffectedtheircompany.But,
of course, no one dared ask outright. And Babara wasoffering no
explanations.

I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Appaently

oneofhercolleaguesatthetablecouldntcontainhercurioityanylonger.
During dessert, sheleanedovertoBarbaraandinahushedvoiceasked,
Barbara,whathappenedwithyouandFrank?

Barbara,unruffledbytherudequestion,simplytookaspoofulofher

cherriesjubileeandsaid,Weveseparated,butthecopanyisunaffected.

134
HowtoRespondWhenYouDontWanttoAnswer135
Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder.Are you

stillworkingtogether?

Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in prcisely the

sametoneofvoice,Weveseparated,butthecompanyisunaffected.

The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily.Are you

bothstillworkinginthecompany?

Barbara,appearingnottheleastdisturbedbythewomansincontinent

insistence,scoopedthelastcherryoutofherdish,smiled,lookeddirectly
at her, and said in the identicaltone of voice, Weve separated, but the
companyisunaffected.

Thatshutherup.Barbarahadshownherbigwinnersbadgebyusing

The Broken Recordtechnique, the most effective way to curtail an
unwelcomecross-examination.

Technique#35
TheBrokenRecord
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome

subject, simply repeat youroriginal response. Use precisely the same
wordsinpreciselythesametoneofvoice.Hearingitagainusuallyquiets
them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like aleech, your next
repetitionneverfailstoflickthemoff.

HowtoTalktoaCelebrity
Supposeyouvejustsettledinfordinneratanicerestaurant.Youlook

over at the nexttable, and who do you see? Is it really he? Could it
possiblybe?Itsgottabealook-alike.No,itisnt!Itreallyis...Woody
Allen.(Substituteanycelebrityhere:yourfavoritemoviestar,politician,
broadcaster, boss who owns the company that owns thecompany you
workfor.)Andtherethecelestialbodyisintheflesh,sittingnottenfeet
fromyou.Whatshouldyoudo?

Nothing!Bigshotsdontslobberoverstars.Lettheluminaryenjoya

brief moment ofanonymity. If he or she should cast a glance in your
direction, give a smile and a nod.Then waft your gaze back to your
dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in the eyes of your dinner
partnerifyoutakeitallinyourstride.

Now,ifyoujustcantresistthisonce-in-a-lifetimeopportnitytopress

the flesh ofthe megastar and tell him or her of your admiration, heres
how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the luminary are leaving the
restaurant.After the check has been paid andyou will obviously not be

taking much of his or her time, you may make your approach. Say
somethinglike,Mr.Allen,Ijustwanttotellyouhowmuchpleasureyour
wonderfulfilmshavegivenmeovertheyears.Thankyousomuch.

136
Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not complimening his

work.Afterall,hemightwellaskhimself,whoareyoutojudgewhether
I am a great filmmaker or not? You can only speak from your own
perspective.Youdothisbytellinghimhowmuchpleasurehis work has
givenyou.

Ifitsyourbosssbosssbosssbosswhomthefateshavesenttobaskin

youradulation,dothesame.DonotsayBillorMr.Gates,youreallyrun
agreatcompany.

Lowly geek, he thinks, who are you to judge? Instead, tell him what

anhonoritistoworkforhim.Obviouslythisisnotthemomenttodetail
the intricacies of your improvementson imagediting software for
digitizingphotographs.

Then let your body language express that if Woody or Bill or the

othermegastarwantstoleaveitatthat,youarehappywiththeexchange.
If,however,themegastariscaptivatedbyyou(orhashadsomuchliquid
merrimentthatheorshehasdecidedtominglewiththemassestonight),
then all bets are off.Youre on your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the
firstbody-languagesignthattheywouldliketoendit.Thinkofyourself
as a ballroomdance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you
follow.Andhetellsyouwhenthewaltzisover.

Incidentally, if the megastar is with a companion and your

conversation goes on for morethan a few moments, direct some
commentsatthecompanion.Ifthesatelliteisinsuchstellar copany, he
orsheisprobablyalsoanaccomplishedperson.

Felicia,afriendofmine,isatalentedtriallawyerwhoismariedtoa

local TV-showhost. Because Tom is on television, peple recognize him
wherever they go, and Feliciagets ignored. Felicia tells me how
frustratingitis,evenforTom.Whenevertheygotoaparty,peoplegush
alloverTom,andFeliciasfascinatingworkhardlyevergetsmentioned.
SheandTomusedtolovegoingouttodinner,butnowtheyhideoutat

homeintheevenings.

HowtoTalktoaCelebrity137
Why?Becausetheycantstandtheinterruptionsofoverlyeffevescent

fans.

ILoveWhatYouUsedtoBe[YouHas-Been]
Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last

film,thepoliticianwithherlastelection,acorporatemogulwithhislast
takeover, an author with her lastnoveland so forth. So when discussing
thestars,thepoliticians,themoguls,theauthors,oranyVIPswork,tryto
keepyourcommentstocurrentorrecentwork.TellingWoodyAllen how
muchyoulovedhis1980filmStardustMemorieswouldnotendearyou
tohim.Whataboutallmywonderfulfilmssince?thinkshe.Sticktothe
presentorveryrecentpastifpossible.

A final celebrity codicil: Suppose you are fortunate enough to have

oneatyourparty.To shinesomestarlightonyourparty,dontasktheTV
hosttosayafewwords.Dontaskthesinger

Technique#36
BigShotsDontSlobber
PeoplewhoareVIPsintheirownrightdontslobberovercelebrities.

When you arechattingwithone,dontcomplimentherwork,simplysay
howmuchpleasureorinsightitsgivenyou.Ifyoudosingleoutanyone
of the stars accomplishments, make sure its arecentone,notamemory
thatsgettingyellowinherscrapbook.

If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve

himintheconversation.

to sing a song. What looks effortless to the rest of us because they

seem so comfortableperforming is work for them.You wouldnt ask an
accountantguesttolookoveryourbooks.Oradentisttocheckoutyour
third left molar. Let the dignitary drink. Let the luminarylaugh.
Celebritiesarepeople,too,andtheyliketheirtimeoff.

HowtoTalktoaCelebrity139
HowtoMakeThemWanttoThankYou
To wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls,

here is a simple andgracious little maneuver. It not only signals people

youre a top communicator, but itencourages them to keep doing nice
things for you. Or complimenting you. Or doing busness with you. Or
lovingyou.Itisveryshort.Itisverysweet.Itisverysimple.Youcanuse
it with everyone in your life. When it becomes instinctive, youll find
yourselfusingiteveryday.

Very simply, never let the phrase thank you stand naked and alone.

Always make it thankyou for something. People use the bare exposed
thankyousooftenthatpeopledontevenhearitanymore.Whenwebuy
the morning newspaper, we flash a naked thank you at thevendor when
he gives us our nickels change. Is that the same thank you you want to
give avalued customer who makes a big purchase in your store? Or a
lovedonewhocooksyouadeliciousdinner?

Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious

acknowledgment,dressupyourthankyouwiththereason:

Thankyouforcoming.Thankyouforbeingsounderstanding.
140
HowtoMakeThemWanttoThankYou141
Thank you for waiting. Thank you for being such a good customer.

Thankyouforbeingsoloving.

Often,whenIdisembarkanairplane,thecaptainandfirstofficerare

standingbythecockpitdoortobidthepassengersfarewell.Isay,Thanks
for getting us here.Admittedly, thats carying Never the Naked Thank
You technique to extremes, but it has a surprising effect. They fall all
overthemselveswithOh,thanksforflyingwithus!

ThankyouforreadingthissectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone!Nowlet

usmoveontoanotherconversationchallenge,howtotalkknowledgeably
witheveryonefromgroupsofaccountantstoZenBuddhistsnomatterhow
littleyoumighthaveincommon.

Technique#37
NevertheNakedThankYou
Never let the phrase thank you stand alone. From A to Z, always

follow it with for: fromThank you for asking to Thank you for zipping
meup.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTFOUR

HowtoBeanInsiderinAnyCrowd
WhatAreTheyAllTalkingAbout?
Has it ever happened to you? Everyone at the party is speaking

gobbledygook.Theyrealldiscussingfaultyaudits,codecostraints,orthe
librarymarketandyouhavenoideawhattheyretalkingabout.Itsbecause
everybody at the party is an accoutant, anarchitect, or a publisherand
yourenot.

So you stand there with a pasty smile on your face, not opeing your

mouth. If you do,youfearthewrongthingwillcomeout.Paranoiasets
in. Everybody will snicker at you.Youre an ousider. So you suffer in
silence.

InhighschoolIsufferedamassivecaseofSilentOutsiderSyndrome,

especially aroundmales.Alltheywantedtotalkaboutwascars.Iknew
nothingaboutcars.TheonlytimeIdeversetfootinabodyshopwasto
getasuntan.

Well, one fateful day, Mama came home with a gift for me that

transformedmyteenageexistencefromshytosociable.Itwasabookon
allthecurrentmodelcarsandtheirdifferencesoverandunderthehood.
One reading, and I became fluent in Fords, Chevys,and Buicks. I no
longer hyperventilated when boys said words like carburetor, alternator,
camshaft,orexhaustmanifold.I

143
didntneedtolearnalot,justenoughtoasktherightquestionstoget

the guys talking.When Id learned to speak car with the boys, it worked
wondersformysociallife.

Cut to today. We grown-up boys and girls also have our favorite

topics that usuallyinvolve our work or our hobbies. When were with
peopleinourownfieldorwhoshareourinterests,weopenuplikesmall-
town gossips. (Even engineers who have a costant caseof cat-got-their-
tongue start gabbing about greasy tubines and various projects when
theyre together.) To outsiders, our conversation sounds like

gobbledygook. But we knowprecisely what its about. Its our own
jobbeldygookorhobbydygook.

Youfearyoullfindyourselfinapartyofsquashplayerswhenyoure

the type of personwhod rather be in court than on court? Dont panic
hearing words like lobbing and hittingrails roll off the squash players
tongues.Sowhatiftheonlyexperienceyouveeverhadwithsquashwas
the mashed acorn variety on your plate next to the turkey last
Thanksgiving.Allyouneedisthefewtechniquesthatfollow.

Just as anglers throw out a dragonfly to get the fish to bite, all you

havetodoisthrowouttherightquestionstogetpeopletoopenup.Dale
Carnegiesadage,showsincereinterestandpeoplewilltalk,onlygoesso
far. As they say in poker, it takes jacks or better to open. And in
conversation,ittakescursoryknowledgeorbetterabouttheirfieldtoget
themtoreallyopenup.Youmusthaveknowledgeablecuriosity,thekind
thatmakesyousoundlikeyoureworthtalkingto.

In this section, we explore techniques that are Open Sesames to get

peoplegabbingwithyoulikeaninsider.

HowtoBeaModerDayRenaissanceManorWoman
Whenever friends visit my hometown, NewYork City, I warn them

Neveraskanyoneridinginthesubwayfordirections.

BecauseIllgetmugged?theyfearfullyask.
No,justbecauseyoullnevergetwhereyouregoing!MostBigApple

subwayridersknowonlytwothingsaboutthesubway:wheretheygeton
andwheretheygetoff.Theyknownothingabouttherestofthesystem.
Most people are like NYC strap-hangers when it comes totheir hobbies
and interests. They know their own pastimes, but all the others are like
unvisitedstations.

Myunmarried(andwishingshewerent)friendRitahasabadcaseof

bowlersthumb.EveryWednesdaynightshesbowlingupastormwithher
friends. She is forever discussing herscores, her averages, and her high
game. Another single and searching friend Walter is into white-water
rafting.Hetalksendlesslywithhispadlingfriendsaboutwhichrivershes
run, which outfitters hes gone with, and which class rapids he prefers.
Thinkingmytwosinglefriendsmighthititoff,IintroducedWalterthe

paddlertoRitathebowlerandmentionedtheirrespectivepassions.

Ohyoureabowler!saidWalter.
Yes, Rita smiled demurely, awaiting more questions about her big

bowlingturn-on.Walterwassilent.

145
Masking her disappointment, Rita said, Uh, Leil tells me youre into

water

rafting.

Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further friendly

interrogation on paddling. Uh, that must beexciting. Isnt it dangerous?
wasthebestRitacoulddo.

No, its not dangerous, Walter patronizingly responded to her typical

outsidersquestion.Thentheconversationdied.

During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, if Rita had run

just one river, ifWalter had bowled just one game, their lives might be
differentnow.Conversationcould haveflowed,andwhoknowswhatelse
mighthaveflowered.

GoFlyaKite!
TheScrambleTherapytechniqueissalvationfromsuchdisapointing

encounters.Itwilltransformyouintoamodern-dayRenaissancemanor
womanwhocomfortablycandiscussavaretyofinterests.

Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and

participatinginanactivityyoudneverthinkofindulgingin.Justoneout
ofeveryfourweekends,dosomethingtotallyoutofyourpattern.Doyou
usually play tennis on weekends? Thisweekend, go hiking. Do you
usuallygohiking?Thisweekend,takeatenislesson.Doyoubowl?Leave
that to your buddies this time. Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you
wereplanningonruningsomerapidslikeyoudoeverywarmweekend?
Forgetit,gobowling.

Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooing. Go

bird-watching. Go toa pool hall. Go kayaking. Go fly a kite! Why?
Because it will give you conversationalfodder for the rest of your life.
From that weekend on, youll sound like an insider withall the hikers,
stamp collectors, ballooners, birders, billiards players, kayakers, and
kitistsyouevermeet.Justbydoingtheiractivityonce.

HowtoBeaModern-DayRenaissanceManorWoman147

If you take a piece of blue litmus paper and dip it in a huge vat of

acid, the tip turnspink. If you take another blue litmus paper and dip it
intojustoneminusculedropofacidonaglassslide,thetipturnsjustas
pink. Compare this to participating in anactivity just one time. A
samplinggivesyou80percentoftheconverstionalvalue.You learn the
insidersquestionstoask.Youstartusingtherightterms.Youllneverbe
at aloss again when the subject of extracurricular interests comes
upwhichitalwaysdoes.

DoYouSpeakScuba?
Imnotacertifiedscubadiver.However,sixyearsagoinBermudaI

saw a sign: ResortDives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary. In just
threehours,Ireceivedthebestcrashcourseintalkingwithscubadivers
theworldoffers.

FirstIwasgivenaquicklessoninthepool.Then,strugglingtostay

erect under theweight of my oxygen tank, regulator, buoancy
compensator, and weight belt, I wentclumping out to the dive boat.
Sittingthereontherockingdinghy,fondlingmymaskandfinslikeworry
beads, I overheard the certified divers asking each other insider
questions:

Where were you certified? Where have you dived? Do you prefer

wrecks or reefs? Ever doneany night diving? Are you into underwater
photography?Doyoudiveonacomputer?

Whatsyourlongestbottomtime?Didyouevergetthebends?
Whytheitalicizedwords?Thosearescubalingo.Inowspeakscuba.

Tothisday,whenever Imeetdivers,Ihavetherightquetionstoaskand
subjects to discuss.And the rightones to avoid. (Like how much I like
seafood. Thats like telling a cat lover how much youlove tender
barbecuedkitten.)Icannowaskmynewfriendswhichofthescubahot
spotstheyvebeentoCozumel,Cayman,Cancun.Then,ifIwanttoreally
showoff,IaskiftheyvebeentoTrukLagoonintheFarPacific,theGreat
BarrierReefinAustralia,ortheRedSea.

Alltheinsidertermsnowrollcomfortablyoffmytongue.Beforemy

ScrambleTherapyexperienceIdbecallingtheirbelovedwrecksandreefs
sunkenshipsandcoral.Undestandablewords,butnotscubawords.Not

insiderwords.Uponmeetingascubadiver,Iprobablywouldhaveasked,
Ohscubadiving.Thatmustbeinteresting.Uh,arentyouafraidofsharks?
Notagoodwaytogetoffontherightfinwithadiver.

Thinkaboutit!Supposeatadinnerparty,thetableconverstionturns

to scuba diving.If you, too, had done your one-timonly dive, youd ask
your diving dinner companion ifhe likes night diving or whether he
prefersdivingonwrecksorreefs.(Hellnever

Technique#38
ScrambleTherapy
Onceamonth,scrambleyourlife.Dosomethingyoudneverdreamof

doing. Participate in asport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on
somethingtotallyoutofyourexperience.Youget80percentoftheright
lingoandinsiderquestionsfromjustoneexposure.

HowtoBeaModern-DayRenaissanceManorWoman149
believeitwhenyoutellhimthedeepest water youve ever sumerged

yourselfinisyourownbathtub.)

Thenyouturntothebungeejumperseatedonyourleftandaskhim,

Doyoupreferchest-waistjumpsoranklejumps?Iftheconversationthen
changes to tennis, or martialarts, or chess, or coin collecting, or even
bird-watching,youcankeepupandkeeptheconversationgoing.Whata
guy!Whatagal!

HowtoSoundLikeYouKnowAllAboutTheirJoborHobby
Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or Jobbledgook. I

stillharborsocialnightmaresoftheeveningIattendedapartythrownby
a couple who worked in computerdatabase maagement.As I walked in
the door, I overheard one chap saying to another, When the domain
relational calculus is restricted to safe expressions, its equivalent tothe
turplerelational....

ThatsallIstayedaroundfor.IknewIwasntgoingtoundestandone

bit or byte ofconversation the rest of the evening. It made me long for
the days when a mouse meant thefurry little fellow who loves cheese,
windows were the kind you bought drapes for, and theweb was
something spiders trapped flies in. I knew I was going to need some
technicalsupportifIwasgoingtobecompatiblewiththiscrowd.

I decided then and there to learn some of the opening quetions

databasemanagementtypesaskeachother.WhichIdid.NowIcantwait
for a second chance at that crowdbecauseImarmedwithquestionslike
What raid level are you using? and What datawarehousing product do
youuse?

All you need are a few insider opening questions to get you started

withanygroup.You askquestions,listentotheresponses,andindulgein
elementaryon-targetconversationwiththemfora

150
HowtoSoundLikeYouKnowAllAboutTheirJoborHobby151
moment or two about their field. (Then change the subject ASAP!

Youdontwanttofakeyou aremoreknowledgeableabouttheirfieldthan
youreallyare.)

ItsAllintheOpeningQuestion
A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your

openingservehowgoodaplayeryouare.Isitgoingtobegreatplaying
with you or a real bore? Its the same incommunicating. Just from your
verbalopeningserve,someoneknowsifitsgoingtobeinterestingtalking
withyouabouttheirlifeorinterestsordull,dull,dull.

For example, suppose Im introduced to someone and the first words

outofhermouthare,Oh,youreawriter.Whenareyougoingtowritethe
great American novel? Yikes, I know Im taling with someone who is
unfamiliarwithmyworld.Wellchat,butIprefertochange the subject.
Andsoon,myconversationpartner.

If, however, my new acquaintance says, Oh youre a writer. Do you

write fiction ornonfiction? Bingo! Now I know Im with a person who
knowsaboutmyworld.Why?Becausethatisthefirstquestionallwriters
ask each other. I enjoy talking to this inquisitorbecause I presume she
has more insights into the wriing world. Even if we quickly getoff the
subjectofwriting,shehascomeacrossasawell-informedindividual.

Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening quetions

thateverybodyinthesamefieldasksanditsdumbousiderquestionsthat
theyneveraskeachother.Whenanastronautmeetsanotherastronaut,he
asks, What missions have you been on? (Never Howdo you go to the

bathroom up there?) A detist asks another dentist, Are you in general
practice or do you have a specialty? (Never Heard any good pain jokes
lately?)

The good news is beginning Jobbledygook is an easy language.You

dontneedtomasterbuzzwords,onlyafewopeningquestions

to make you sound like an insider. Thenheres the fun part when you

tell them youre notconnected to their field, theyre all the more
impressed.Whataknowledgeableperson!theysaytothemselves.

Help!EverybodyThereWillBeanArtist
Its not hard to harvest good Jobbledygook. Lets say youve been

invited to a galleryopeningwhereyoullbemeetingmanyartists.Ifyou
dont speak artist, go through yourRolodex to see if you have an artist
friendortwo.

Aha, you found one. Well, sort of. Your friend Sally attended art

school.You call her up and ask, Sally, I know this sounds silly but Ive
beeninvitedtoaneventwhereImboundtobetalkingwithalotofartists.
Could you give me a few good questions to ask? Sallymight find your
queryatadunusual,butyourdiligenceshouldimpressher.

Maybe shell say, Well, ask artists what medium they work in.

Medium? you ask. Sure, shelltell you. Thats the insiders way to ask if
they

workwithacrylics,oil,charcoal,pen,andsoforth.Oh.
Dontaskartiststodescribetheirwork,shewarns.Theyfeeltheirsisa

visualmediumthatcantbedescribed.

Oh.Anddontaskthemiftheirworkisinagallery.Oh?Thatcouldbe

asorepoint.InsteadaskIsthereanyplaceI

might see your work? Theyll love that because, even if theyre not

represented by agallery, they can invite you to their studio to possibly
buytheirwork.

HowtoSoundLikeYouKnowAllAboutTheirJoborHobby153
Technique#39
LearnaLittleJobbledygook
Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is

Jobbledygook?Itsthelanguageofotherprofessions.

Whyspeakit?Itmakesyousoundlikeaninsider.
How do you learn it? Youll find no Jobbledygook cassettes in the

language section of yourbookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up.
Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo ofthe crowd youll be with to
teachyouafewopeningquestions.Thewordsarefewandtherewardsare
manifold.

Thatsallyouneedtogetstartedtwogoodopeningartquestionsanda

warningagainstthemost-askeddumboutsiderquestion.

Letssayyouvegivenagreatopeningservewiththerightquestionon

their job. Youve slammed a swift ball dead center into their
conversational court. Happily, thinking theyrewith an ace player, they
answer your question. Then they put a little spin on the ball andsend it
lobbingrightbackintoyourcourtanditstimeforafollow-upquestion.
Whoops,whattodonow?

Ifyoudontwanttocomeoutofthebluffersclosetjustyet,youmust

masterthenexttechnique,BaringTheirHotButton.

HowtoBareTheirHotButton(ElementaryDoc-Talk)
My friend John, a physician, recently married a charming Japnese

woman,Yamika.John toldmethefirsttimetheywereinvitedtoaparty
tomeetmanyofJohnscolleagues,Yamikawaspanistricken.Shewanted
tomakeagoodimpression,yetshewastenseabouttalkingtoAmerican
doctors.Johnwastheonlyoneshedevermet,andduringtheirromance
theydidntspendawholelotoftimediscussingmedicine.

Johntoldher,Dontworryaboutit,Yami.Theyallaskeachotherthe

sameoldquestions.Whenyoumeetthem,justask,Whatsyourspecialty
andAreyouaffiliatedwithahospital?

Then, to get into deeper conversation, he continued, throw out

questions like Hows yourrelationship with your hospital? or Hows the
current medical environment affecting you?These are hot issues with
doctorsbecauseeverythingschanginginhealthcare.

John said Yamika delivered the lines verbatim. She circulated the

party asking the variousdoctors specialties and inquiring about their
affiliationsandrelationshipswiththeirhospitals.Asaresult,shewasthe
hit of the party. Many of Johns colleagues latercongratulated him on

havingfoundsuchacharmingandinsighfulwoman.

154
HowtoBareTheirHotButton(ElementaryDoc-Talk)155
GettingtheRealGrabber
Its not just doctors. Every profession has concerns that are all the

buzz within theindustry. The rest of the world, however, knows little
about these fixations. For example,independent booksellers constantly
complain that big superstore chains are taking over theindustry.
Accountantslieawakenightsworryingaboutliabilityinsuranceforfaulty
audits. And dentists grind their teeth over OSHA and EPA regulations.
Oh,uswriters,too.Werealwaysbellyachingaboutmagazinesnotpaying
usforelectronicrightstoourpreciouswords.

Suppose some hapless soul were unlucky enough to find hiself in a

partyofwriters.Makingconversationwiththesefolks(whoseldomknow
whattheythinkuntiltheyseewhattheysay)isnoeasytaskforonewho
isaccustomedtocommunicatinginthespokenword.However,ifbefore
thepartythenonwriterhadcalledjustonewriteracquaintanceandasked
about the burning issues, hed have had hot conversation with the
wordsmithsallevning.IcallthetechniqueBaringTheirHotButton.

Backtotheartshowyoureabouttoattend.YoucantletSallyhangup

yet.Shesgivenyouthetwobestopeningquestionsfor

Technique#40
BaringTheirHotButton
Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of

dentists, find out whatthe hot issues are in their fields. Every industry
has burning concerns the outside worldknows little about. Ask your
informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat theconversation up,
pushthosebuttons.

artists. But dont let her go until you get the real conversational

grabber.Ask her the hottest issues going on in the art world. She might
thinkaminuteandthensay,Well,theresalwaysartprices.

Artprices?youask.
Yes, she explains. For example, in the 1980s the art world was very

market-driven. Priceswent sky-high because some investors and status

seekerspaidexorbitantamounts.Wefeel thatkindoftookartawayfrom
themasses.

Wow,nowyourereallyarmedwithsomegoodinsiderarttalk!
SeeYouattheBigOne!
While youre at it, dont forget to grill your informant for special

insider greetings touse when youre with their gang. For example,
actresses cringe if they hear good luckbefore a show, but they smile at
well-wisherswhosayBreakaleg!

Break a leg, however, is not appropriate for runners before a

marathon. Thats the lastthoughttheywanttohave!Theonlythingthey
wanttobreakistheirpersonalrecord.TryHaveapesonalbest!

Firefighters who work on shift seldom see each other except, of

course,atthebiggestblazes.ThusthefirefightersgreetingSeeyaatthe
bigone!

Once,drivinginasleepytownyoudhavetoworkatgettinglostin,I

succeeded. I washopelessly turned around. Happily, I spotted the
firehouseandacoupleofboredfirefightersloungingoutfront.

Excuseme,canyoutellmethewaybacktoRoute50?Icalledoutthe

window. I could tellfrom their attitude they thought I was an idiot.
Nevertheless, they lethargically pointedme in the right direction. As I
droveoff,Icalledout,Thanksguys,seeyaatthebigone!Intherearview
mirror I saw huge smiles break out on their faces as they stood up in
unisonandwavedgood-bye.Thedisorienteddizzyblonddrivingoffhad
wontheirrespectwiththeirinsidersalute.

HowtoSecretlyLearnAboutTheirLives
Lets say your paper carrier has just hurled the newspaper from his

bike to your frontdoor.You pour a cup of coffee and get cofortable to
catch up on whats happening in theworld.Your world, that is. Do you
flipfirsttotheinternationalnews?Thefashionsetion?Thesportspage?
Theentertainmentsection?Maybethecomics?

Whicheversectionyouusuallyfliptofirst,tomorrowDONT.Turnto

any other section,preferablyoneyouhardlyeverread.Why?Becauseit
will familiarize you with otherworlds so that you can soon discuss
anythingwithanybody,nomatterhowlittleyouhaveincommon.

How about the real estate section?Yawn. Maybe you dont find real

estateespeciallyengrossing.However,soonerorlateryouregoingtofind
yourselfwithagroupofpeoplewhoaredicussingproperties,deals,and
todaysmarket.Scanningtherealestatesectionjustonceeveryfewweeks
willkeepyouaucourantwiththeirconversation.

Theadvertisingcolumn?Maybeyouthinktheworldwouldbeafar,

far better place withoutMadisonAvenue. But your botom line wont be
better off if you cant hold your owndiscussing matters with the
marketingmavenyouvejustcontractedtoadver157

tiseyourcompanyswidgets.Justafewpeeksattheadvertisingnews

section and youllsoon be chatting about campaigns and crative people,
and doing print or TV. Instead of saying words, youll be saying copy.
Insteadoftheagency,youllbebandyingaboutrealinsidertermslikethe
shop.

Usingoutsiderwordsisoneofthebiggestgiveawaysthatyouarenot

intheknow.Ontheship,ifapassengeraskedanyofmystaff,Howlong
have you been working on the boat?theyd squelch a groan. Cruise
staffers proudly worked on a ship, and the word boatrevealed the
passengerasareallandlubber.

Therightwordcanperformconversationalmiracles.Inthereceiving

line, wheneverpassengersaskedourlaconiccaptain,Whendidyoufirst
become a master? or What was yourfirst command? he would hold up
theentirelineofpeoplesnakingaroundtheballroomwaitingtoshakehis
hand.CaptainCafierowouldenthusiasticallyrecounthisnavalhistoryto
the savvy inquirer who might have just learned the words master or
comandlastweekinthenewspapershippingnotices.(Ifthepassegerhad
simply said, How longhaveyoubeenacaptain?orWhatwasyourfirst
boat? he or she would have gotten the catains usual Italian gentlemans
versionofthebumsrush.)

Soonyoullbecomeaddictedtothehighthatestablishingraportwith

somanypeoplegivesyou.Allittakesisreadingdiffeentsectionsofthe
newspaper.

PumpTheirPulpforEvenMoreFuel
Then,whenyoucraveabiggerhitofinsiderlingo,startreadingtrade

journals. Thosearetheclosed-circulationmagazinesthatgotomembers
ofvariousindustries.Askyourfriendsindifferentjobstolendyouoneso
youllhaveevenmorefuelfortheconverstionalfire.

Allindustrieshaveoneortwo.Youllseebigglossyragswithnames

likeAutomotiveNews,RestaurantBusiness,PoolandSpa

HowtoSecretlyLearnAboutTheirLives159
News,TruckingIndustry,andevenHogsTodayforpeopleinthepig

business.(Excuseme,theycallthemselvesswinepractitioners.Hey,you
neverknowwhen,tomakeyournextbigsale,itwillhelptospeakpig.)
Anyoneissuewillgiveyouasampleoftheirlingoandinformyouofthe
hottestissuesinthatfield.

When it comes to peoples hobbies and interests, browse through

magazines on running,working out, bicycling, skiing, swimming, and
surfing.Largemagazinestorescarrybikerrags,boxerrags,bowlerrags,
evenbull-ridingrags.Youllfindthousandsof special-interest magazines
publishedeverymonth.

Severalyearsago,Igothookedonbuyingadifferentoneeachweek.

Itpaidoffquicklywhenapotentialconsultingclientinvitedmetodinner
atherhome.Shehadabeautifulgardenand,thankstoFlowerandGarden
Magazine,Icouldthrowoutinsidertermslikeornamentals,annuals,and
perennials. I could even keep up when the discussion turned tothe
advantagesofgrowingfromseedsorbulbs.

Because I was so fluent in flower, she invited me to take a longer

walkwithhertoseeherprivatebackgardens.Aswe

Technique#41
ReadTheirRags
Isyournextbigclientagolfer,runner,swimmer,surfer,orskier?Are

you attending asocial function filled with accountants or Zen
Buddhistsoranythinginbetween?Thereareuntoldthousandsofmonthly
magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more
informationthanyoulleverneedtosoundlikeaninsiderwithanyonejust
by readingthe rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest
copyof

Zoonoozyet?)

strolled,Igraduallychangedthesubjectfromchrysanthemumstothe

consultingworkIcoulddoforhercompany.Whowasleaingwhomdown
thegardenpath?

Is the world getting smaller, or are we getting bigger? Todays

Renaissance man or woman iscomfortable and confident anwhere. The
nexttechniquehelpsyoubeaninsiderwhereveryoufindyourselfonthe
planet, and it saves you from fulfilling the worlds fantasy ofthe ugly
American.

HowtoTalkWhenYoureinOtherCountries
Say youre traveling abroad on business and you want to be a global

insider. Whats thefirst thing on your to-do list? Get a passport and a
phrase book, right? After all, whowants to wander around Rome not
knowing how to ask for a restroom? Or be thirsty in KualaLumpur not
knowing how to ask for a soda? Hoever, theres something most of us
forget topack, often with dire consequencesa book on international
customs.

A friend of mine, a fellow speaker named Geraldine, was excited

aboutherfirstspeechinJapan.TobecomfyonherlongflighttoTokyo,
shedonnedherfavoritedesignerjeansandacasualjacket.Fourteenhours
and 6,737 miles later, four impeccably dressed Japanesegentlemen
greeted her at NaritaAirport. Smiing and bowing low, they handed her
theirbusiness cards. With her carry-on bag in one hand, Geri took their
cardswiththeother.Shethankedthem,glancedbrieflyatthecards,and
packed them safely into her backpocket. She then pulled one of her
businesscardsoutofherpurseand,sensitivetothefactthattheymight
have difficulty pronouncing Geraldine, wrote her nickname Geri above
herprintedname.Thegentlemenhoveredoverhercard,turningitoverto
examineitafewtimes,beforeoneofthemputitinhisbriefcase.

161
Whenthefiveofthemarrivedatthehotel,theyinvitedGeriforteain

the lobby. Whilesipping tea, the gentlemen presented her with a small
gift which she eagerly opened. Oneof Geris most charming qualities is
her instinctive warmth and effusiveness. She wasthrilled with the gift
and,intypicalGeristyle,shesquealed,Oh,itsbeautiful!asshegaveeach

ofthegentlemenalittlehug.

Atthispoint,thefourJapanesegentlemenstoodupinunsonlikefour

frowning Siamesetwins and, bowing only very slightly, mumbled
Sayonara and promptly left. Poor Geri wasflabbergasted. What did she
dowrong?

Everything! First, the jeans. Even if youre coming off a biccle in

Asia, you do notmeet clients casually dressed. The second mistake was
Gerisvulgarhandlingoftheirbusinesscards.InAsia,thebusinesscardis
one of the most important protocol tools. Itis always presented and
accepted reverently with both hands. (Except in MoslemAsia wherethe
lefthandisconsideredunclean.)

Geri then put their cards away much too quickly. InAsia, peple use

businesscardsasaconversationstarter.Youchatabouteachotherscards
and work and do not put theirs awayuntil they getly and respectfully
placeyoursinsafekeeping.Shovingitintoherbackjeanspocketwasthe
ultimatedisrespect.

Gerididntdiscoverherfourthgaffeuntilshereturnedhome.Oneof

her colleagues Bill,aseasonedbusinesstraveler,analyzedthefiascofor
her. Bill told her the reason thegentlemen had turned Geraldines card
over and over when she gave it to them at the aiport was to find her
name, title, and company printed in Japanese on the other side. Theflip
sideofGeriscardwas,ofcourse,blank.

Then,fifthhorrorofhorrors,Gerishouldnothavewrittenonthecard.

Cards in Asia arenot exactly sacred, but one should never deface them
withmessyhandwriting.

ThesadtaleofGeriandtheJapanesegetsworse.Billbrokethebad

newstoher:sheshouldnothaveopenedthegiftinfront

HowtoTalkWhenYoureinOtherCountries163
ofherclients.Why?Becauseinalandwheresavingfaceiscritcal,it

would beembarrassingtodiscoverthegifttheygavewasnotasniceas
theonetheyreceived.(Yikes,Gerihadntevengiventhemagift!)Gaffe
numberseven.

Gerislittlesquealwhenreceivingthegiftwasalsoaboo-boo.InAsia,

the lower thetone of voice, the higher the rank. The final flub was, of

course,givingthegentlemenathank-youhug.Huging,highlyreveredin
certainpartsoftheworldis,inJapan,abslutelyunacceptablewithanew
client.

Needless to say, Geri has not been invited back to Japan. However,

shedoeshaveagigcomingupinElSalvador.Thistimeshessmart.Shes
studying up on the customs there.Happily, shes finding she can hug to
herheartscontent.Howeversheshouldntuseher(oranybodyelses)first
name. Oh, and she must not intrduce herself as anAmerican.After all,
SalvadoransareAmercans,too!

The differences round the world go on and on. Whenever I travel, I

havetohitmyselfovertheheadandrealizeImnotintheanything-goes
olUSA.Ilovetotravelinjeans,Imanincurablehugger,andIcantwait
toseewhatsinagiftboxanybodygivesme.However,wheneverIplanto
leaveUncleSamsshores,Icheckonforeigncustomstoseehowmuchof
myselfIcanbe.

Technique#42
ClearCustoms
Beforeputtingonetoeonforeignsoil,getabookondosandtaboos

aroundtheworld.Beforeyoushakehands,giveagift,makegestures,or
even compliment anyonespossessions, check it out. Your gaffe could
gumupyourentiregig.

Therearesomeexcellentbooksoninternationalcustoms.Youllfind

thenamesofafewinthenotes.1719

Dontbelikeanotherhaplesscolleagueofminewhoalmostblewabig

business deal with aBrazilian. Just before signing the contract, he gave
the OK sign with his thumb andforefinger. Litle did he know he was
tellinghisnewbusinesspartnertogohaveintercoursewithhimself.You
neverknowuntilitstoolate.

Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate, tangible,

and calculable rewards.Andwherebeinganoutsiderreallyhurtsrightin
yourpocketorpurse.

How to Talk Them into Getting the Insiders Price (on Practically

AnythingYouBuy)

Neverunderestimatehumaningenuitywhenitcomestogettingwhat

youwant.Manypeopleexpandtheadage,AllsfairinloveandwartoAll
is fair in love, war, and buying what Iwant. To get a table at a posh
restaurant on a busy night, using a celebrity name is anold ploy. My
favoritema”tredtoldmehegetsalotofRobertDeNirosphoningina
reservation. When their party of six or eight arrives, he hears, Im so
sorry,Robwasntfeelingwellthisevening.

One woman, frustrated when her fake celebrity name didnt work,

shouted at him, Look, whothehelldoIhavetobetogetatable?Illbe
anyoneyouwantmetobe,GoldieHawn,SteffiGraf,Fergiejusttellme.
Some people try a last-minute approach. They simply walkup to the
ma”tre d at an overbooked restaurant, point to any name on the
reservationbookandsay,Thatsus.

Youllwitnessthesamecunningatoverbookedhotels.Severalmonths

ago I was checkinginto a popular hotel for which, fortnately, I had a
confirmedreservation.Aloudmouthedmaninfront

165
ofmeinlineshoutedatthedeskclerk,Whaddayamean,noroom?Im

staying in this hoteltonight. If you dont have a room, Im sleeing right
hereonthefloor.Histempertantrumwasnotworking.

And I warn you, he continued, I sleep in the nude! He got a room.

Thesecraftychildishtacticsarenotrecommended.Rather,I

suggest a more principled technique called Bluffing for Bargains. It

was born oneafternoonsittingwithaninsurancebrokerMr.Carson.He
wastryingtosellmeahomeownerspolicy.OfcourseIwantedthemost
coverage for the least cash. Carson was asmooth operator and he was
patientlyexplainingtomeinlaymanstermsthebenefitsofcertainriders
hewaspushing.

Just as he started discussing disasters like wars and hurricanes, his

phone rang. Withapologies,hepickedupthereceiver.Itwasoneofhis
colleagues. Suddenly ametamorphosis took place before my eyes. The
sophisticated salesman became a palsy-walsy,reglar, down-home kinda
guy chatting it up with his old buddy about umbrellas. Ithought they
werediscussingtheweather.

Then the conversation turned to floaters. I now assumed they were

talking about an eyeproblem. It took a while for me to reaize that
umbrella policies and floaters were partof the insurancese they were
speaking.

Afewminuteslater,Carsonsaid,Yeah,OK,solong,buddy,andput

thephonedown.Heclearedhisthroatandagaintranmogrifiedbackinto
the formal sales agent patientlydefining daages and deductibles to a
na•veclient.

Sitting there listening to bafflegab like subrogation and pro rata

liability, I began toponder,IfCarsonscolleaguewhojustcalledwanted
to buy insurance, he would have gottena much better policy, much
cheaper.Inpracticallyeveryindustry,vedorsgivetwo pricesongoodsor
servicesonetoinsidersandonetoyouandme.

HowtoTalkThemintoGettingtheInsidersPrice167
Before I let myself get angry about this, I thought it through. Is it

unfair? Not really.If the vendor doesnt have to spend time being
salesman or psychologist answering theendless stream of novice
questions,hecanaffordtogivehisbestprice.Carsonwouldnthave had
totaketwentyminutesexplainingtohiscoleague(ashedidtome)why,
ifatornadotakesyourhouse,itsconsideredanactofGod.Therefore,you
lose.Whenknowedgeableassociatesbuyproducts,thevendorishappily
reducedtonothingmorethanapurchasingagent.Forverylittlework,he
makesasmallprofitandissatisfied.

A little bit of knowledge goes a long way when youre buying

something. If you have insightinto your real estate brokers botom line,
hesmoreapttogiveyouthebetterprice.Ifyouarefacilewiththeinsider
wordscaterersandcarsalesmenusetopadtheirprofits,ifyouresavvyto
techniques moving companies and mechanics use to bilk the
unsuspecting,ifyouareonthelookoutforlawyersmethodsoffattening
feesinshort,ifyouknowtheropes,youwillnotgetrippedoff.Youdont
needtoknowalot,justafewinsiderterms.Theproassumes,sinceyou
are convesant in some esoteric industry terms, you also knowthe best
dealandrock-bottomprice.

Nooneputitbetterthanmyhousepainter,Iggy.Sure,hetoldme,you

gottaknowhowtotalktoapainter.Notme,butalottathemotherguys,

theyregonnagetwhatevertheycan.Itsonlyhumannature.Especiallyif
youreawomanandyoudealwithemsmart,likeImgonnatellyouhow,
theirhairwillstandonend.Theyllsaytothemselves,Hey,disisnobabe
inthewoods.Ibeterdealstraight.

OK,Iggy,how?
He said, Tell them guys, Look the walls need very little preping.

Yourenotgoingto havetospendmuchtimescrapingandspackling.Itsa
cleanjob.Iggytoldmethesefewsentencesalone

cansaveyouhundredsofdollars.Why?Rightawaythepainterknows

you know the score andthat the most time-consuming part for him is
preparing the surface (prepping inpainterese). Therfore, its his biggest
markupitem.

Then, Iggy continued, when you tell em there will be no cutting in

[painting two colorsnexttoeachother],yourpricegoesdownagain.Be
sureandtellemnottoleaveanyholidays[unpaintedorsparselypainted
spots]andyougetamorecarefuljob.ImonlysorryIdonthaveanIggy
ineveryfieldtogivemeacrashcourseinhowtodeal.

HowtoDealWhenTheresNoIggyinYourLife
Heres how to get the best price and the best deal from anyone. Find

your Iggy Informer. Ifyou have a friend in the business, get the lingo
fromhim.Ifnot,insteadofgoingstraighttothevendoryouwanttobuy
from,visitseveralothersfirst.Talkwiththem.Learnalittlelingofrom
each.

For instance, suppose you want to buy a diamond. Instead of going

right to your favoritejewelry shop and asking dumbbell dimond
questions, go to the competition. Make friendswith the salesclerk and
pick up a few gems of diamondese. Youll learn jeelers say stones, not
diamonds.Whenyouretalkingaboutthetopofthestone,theysaytable;
thewidest part is the girdle; the botom is the cutlet. If the stone looks
yellow, dont sayyellow, say cape. If you see flaws, dont say flaws, say
inclusionsorgletz.Ifyoustilldontlikethestone,dontsayIdliketosee
something beter, say finer. (Dont ask me why. Thats just the way the
diamondcrowdtalks.)

Then,whenyouvegotyourlingodown,gotowhereyouwanttobuy.

Becauseyounowspeakdiamond,yougetamuchbetterprice.

HowtoTalkThemintoGettingtheInsidersPrice169
Technique#43
BluffingforBargains
ThehagglingskillsusedinancientArabmarketsarealiveandwellin

contemporaryAmerica for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower
whenyouknowhowtodeal.

Before every big purchase, find several vendorsa few to learn from

andonetobuyfrom.Armedwithafewwordsofindustryese,youreready
toheadforthestorewhereyouregoingtobuy.

Soon youll be asking furriers where the skins were dressed, moving

companiesfortheirICCperformancerecord,andlawyersthehourlyrate
ofparalegalsandassociates.Thenthesefolks,likeIggythepainter,will
saytothemselves,Hey,disisnobabeinthewoodsIbetterdealstraight.

Letusnowdelvedeeperintotheworldofbeinganinsider.Thistime

weexplorehowtogiveyourconversationpartnerthesensethatyoushare
notonlyexperiencesbuttheheavystuff.Yousharebeliefsandvaluesin
life.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTFIVE

HowtoSoundLikeYourePeasinaPod
Why,WereJustAlike!
Ifyousquintyoureyesandlookupcarefullyataflightofbirds,youll

see finchesflying with finches, swallows soaring with swalows, and
yellowbirdswingingitwithyellowbirds.Theavianapartheidescalates.
Youll never see a barn swallow with a bank swallow, or even a yellow
birdhangingoutwithayellowfinch.Somebodysaiditshorter:Birdsofa
featherflocktogether.

Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at least: we

havebrainscapableofovercomingbias.Reallysmarthumanbeingswork
together, play together, and break bread together. Does that mean their
comfort level is high? Well, that depends on the human being. Our
purposehereisnottoexainetheabsurdityofapartheid.Itistoleave no
stoneunturnedinmakingsurepeoplearecompletelycomfortabledoing
businessorpleasurewithyou.

Ithasbeenprovenbeyondadoubt,peoplearemostrecetivetothose

theyfeelhavethesamevaluesinlife.Inonestudy,

171
individuals were first given a personality and beliefs test.They were

thenpairedoffwithapartnerandtoldtogospendtimetogether.Before
meeting, half the couples were told they were very similar in beliefs to
their partner.The other half were told they were dissimilar. Neither
statementwastrue.

However,whenquizzedafterwardonhowmuchtheylikedeachother,

partnerswhobelievedtheyweresimilarlikedeachotheralotmorethan
the couples who thought themselves tobe dissimilar, demonstrating we
have a predisposition toward people we believe are justlike us. We are
most comfortable giving our business and friendship to those we feel
shareourvaluesandbeliefsinlife.TothatendIoffersixtechniquesto
createsenstionsofsimilaritywitheveryoneyouwish.

Along with making more profound rapport with customers, friends,

and associates, using thefollowing techniques develops a deeper
understanding and empathy with people of all racesand backgrounds. It
alsoopensdoorsthatmightotherwisebeclosedtoyou.

HowtoMakeThemFeelYoureoftheSameClass
Justlikethefinchflapsitswingsfasterthantheglidingeagle,peple

of differentbackgroundsmovedifferently.Forexample,Wesernersused
to the wide-open plains standfarther from each other. Easterners,
systematically sardined into subways and crowdedbusses, stand closer.
Asian Americans make modest movements. Italian Americans make
massiveones.

At teatime, the finishing-school set genuflects and gracefully lowers

derrieres onto thesofa. When the ladies reach for a cup, they hold the
saucer in one hand and the cup in theother, pinkie ever so slightly
extended. Folks who never finished any manners school makea fanny
diveinthemiddleofthesofaandclutchthecupwithbothhands.

Is one right? Is the other wrong? No. However, top commnicators

know when doingbusiness with a derriere-dipping pinkie extender or a
fanny-plopping, two-fisted muggrabber, they darn well should do the
same.Peoplefeelcomfortablearoundpeoplewhomovejustliketheydo.

Ihaveafriendwhotravelsthecountrygivinganoutrageousseminar

called How to Marrythe Rich. Genie was once in a Las Vegas casino
when a television reporter asked if shecould tell the real rich from the
greatpretenders.

173
Ofcourse,Genieanswered.
All right, challenged the reporter. Who is the wealthiest man in this

room? Convened atthe next table were three men in tailored suits
(Hayward of Mayfair, London, no doubt),hanmade shirts (Charvet of
Place Vend™me in Paris, no doubt), and sipping scotch (single-malt
Laphroaig from the Scottish island of Islay, no doubt). The reporter,
naturally,assumedGeniewouldchooseoneoftheselikelycandidates.

Instead, with the scrutiny of a hunting dog, Genies eyes scanned the

room. Like a trainedbasset hound, she instinctively pointed a long red
fingernailatafellowintornjeansatacornertable.Shemurmured,Hes

veryrich.

Flabbergasted,thereporteraskedGenie,Howcanyoutell?
He moves like old money, she said. You see, Genie went on to

explain, theres moving likeold money. Theres moving like new money.
And theres moving like no money. Genie could telltheunlikelychapin
thecornerwasobviouslysittingonbigassetsandallbecauseoftheway
hemoved.

Technique#44
BeaCopyclass
Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big

movements?Fast?Slow?Jerky?Fluid?Old?Young?Classy?Trashy?

Pretendthepersonyouaretalkingtoisyourdanceinstructor.Ishea

jazzymover?Issheaballeticmover?Watchhisorherbody,thenimitate
the style of movement. Thatmakes your conversation partner
subliminallyrealcomfywithyou.

HowtoMakeThemFeelYoureoftheSameClass175
TheyreBuyingYou,Too
Ifyoureinsales,copynotonlyyourcustomersclassbuttheclassof

your product aswell. I live in a section of NewYork City called Soho,
which is a few blocks above thefamous-for-being-trashy Canal Street.
Often, clutching my purse tightly and dodging thecrowds on Canal
Street, Ill pass a pickpocket-turned-salesmafor-the-day. He furtively
looks around and flashes a greasy hankerchief at me with a piece of
jewelryonit.Psst,wannabuyagoldchain?Hisnervousthiefsdemeanor
alonecouldgethimarrested.

Now,aboutsixtyblocksuptown,youllfindthefashionableandvery

expensiveTiffanysjewelrystore.Occasionally,clutchingmyfantasiesof
being able to afford somethingtherein, I stroll through the huge gilt
doors.Imagineoneoftheimpeccablydressedsalesprofessionals behind
the beveled glass counters furtively looking around and saying to me,
Psst,wannabuyadiamond?

Nosale!
Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade suits?A

little decorum please.Selling jeans?A little cool, please. Selling sweat

suits? A little sporty, please. And so on for whatever youre selling.
Remember,youareyourcustomersbuyingexperence.Thereforeyouare
partoftheproducttheyrebuying.

HowtoMakeThemFeelThatYoureLikeFamily
Haveyoueverbeengabbingwithanewacquaintanceand,afterafew

moments,youvesaidtoyourself,ThispersonandIthinkalike!Wereon
thesamewavelength.Itsafabulousfeeling,almostlikefallinginlove.

Lovers call it chemistry. New friends talk of instant raport, and

businesspeople say ameeting of minds. Yet its the same magic, that
suddensenseofwarmthandcloseness,thatstrangesensationofWow,we
wereoldfriendsatonce!

Whenwewerechildren,makingfriendswaseasier.Mostofthekids

we met grew up in thesame town and so they were on our wavelength.
Then the years went by. We grew older. We moved away. Our
backgrounds, our experiences, our goals, our lifestyles became diverse.
Thus,wefelloffeachotherswavelengths.

Wouldntitbegreattohaveamagicsurfboardtohelpyouhopright

back on everybodyswavelength whenever you wanted? Here it is, a
linguistic device that gets you riding onhighrapportwitheveryoneyou
meet. If you stand on a mountain cliff and shout hello-ohacross the
valley, your identical hello-oh thuders back at you. I call the technique
Echoingbecause,likethemountain,youechoyourconversationpartners
precisewords.

176
HowtoMakeThemFeelThatYoureLikeFamily177
ItAllStartedAcrosstheOcean
In many European countries, youll hear five, ten, or more laguages

within the language.For example, in Italy, the Sicilians from the south
speak a dialect that seems likegobbledygook to northern Italians. In an
Italian restaurant, I once overheard a dinerdiscover his waiter was also
from Udine, a town in northeastern Italy where they speak theFriulano
dialect.Thedinerstoodupandhuggedthewaiterlikehewasalong-lost
brother. They started babbling in a tongue that left the other Italian
waitersshrugging.

InAmericawehavedialects,too.Wejustarentconsciousofthem.In

fact we havethousandsofdifferentwords,dependingonourregion,our
job, our interests, and ourupbringing. Once, when traveling across the
country,ItriedtoorderasodalikeaCokeor7-Upinahighwaydiner.It
took some explaining before the wairess understood Iwanted what she
called a pop. Perhaps because the English-speaking world is so large,
Americanshaveawiderchoiceofwordsforthesameoldstuffthanany
languageIveencountered.

Family members find themselves speaking alike. Friends use the

samewords,andassociatesinacompanyormembersinaclubtalkalike.
Everyone you meet will have his or her ownlanguage that subliminally
distinguishes them from outsiders. The words are all English,but they
varyfromareatoarea,industrytoindutry,andevenfamilytofamily.

TheLinguisticDeviceThatSaysWereontheSameWavelength
When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling youre just

alike,usetheirwords,notyours.Supposeyouaresellingacartoayoung
mother who tells you she is concernedabout safety because she has a
young toddler. When explaining the safety features of the car, use her
word. Dont use whatever word you call your kids. Dont even saychild-
protectionlock,whichwasinyoursalesmanual.Tellyourprospect,No
toddler canopen the widow because of the drivers control device. Even
call it a toddleprotection lock. When Mom hears toddler coming from
your lips, she feels you are familybecause thats how all her relatives
refertoherlittletyke.Supposeyourprospecthadsaidkidorinfant.Fine,
echo any word she used. (Well, almost any word. If shed said my brat,
youmightwanttopassonEchoingthistime.)

EchoingatParties
Letssayyouareataparty.Itsahugebashwithmanydifferenttypes

of people. You are first chatting with a lawyer who tells you her
profession is often maligned. When it comesyour turn to speak, say
professiontoo.Ifyousayjob,itputsasubconsciousbarrierbetweenyou.

Nextyoumeetaconstructionworkerwhostartstalkingabouthisjob.

Nowyoureintroubleifyousay,Well,inmyprofession...hedthinkyou
werebeinghoity-toity.

After the lawyer and the construction worker, you talk to seeral

freelancersfirst amodel, then a professional speaker, finally a pop
musician.Allthreeofthesefolkswillusedifferentwordsfortheirwork.
Themodelbragsaboutherbookings.Theprofessionalspeakermightsay
bookings,butheismoreapttoboastofhisspeaingengagements.A pop
musicianmightsay,Yeah,man,Igetalotofgigs.Itstoughtomemorize
what theyall call their work. Just keep your ears open and echo their
wordaftertheysayit.

Echoinggoesbeyondjobnames.Forexampleifyouarechatingwith

aboatownerandyoucallhisboatanit,helabelsyouareallandlubber.
(He reverently refers to his belovedboat, of course, as a she.) If you
listen carefully, you hear language sutleties younever dreamed existed.
Would you believe using the wrong synonym for a seemingly
uncomplicatedwordlikehave

HowtoMakeThemFeelThatYoureLikeFamily179
labelsyouaknow-nothinginsomebodyelsesworld?Forexaple,cat

loverspurrabouthavingcats.Buthorsepeoplewouldsayowninghorses.
And fish folk dont own fish. Theytalk about keeing fish. Hey, no big
deal. But if you use the wrong word, yourconversation partner will
assume,correctly,thatyouareastrangerinhisorherhobbyland.

ThePerilofNotEchoing
Sometimes you lose out by not Echoing. My friend Phil and I were

talkingwithseveralguestsataparty.Onewomanproudlytoldthegroup
about the wonderful new ski chalet shehad just puchased. She was
looking forward to inviting her friends up to her littlechalet in the
mountains.

Thats wonderful, said Phil, secretly hoping for an invittion. Where

exactly is yourcabin? KERPLUNK! There went Phils chances for an
invitationtotheladyschalet.

I couldnt resist. After the conversation, I whispered to my friend,

Phil, why did youinsult that woman by calling her chalet a cabin? Phil
scratched his head and said, What doyou mean insult her? Cabin is a
beautifulword.MyfamilyhasacabininCapeCodandIgrewuploving
the word, the associations, the joy of a cabin. (In other words, the

connotationsofcabin.)Well,fine,Phil.Thewordcabinmaybebeautiful
toyou,butobviouslytheskierpreferredthewordchalet.

ProfessionalEchoing
In todays sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be

problem solvers, not justvendors. They feel you dont grasp their
industrysproblemsifyoudontspeaktheirlanguage.

I have a friend, Penny, who sells office furniture. People in

publishing, advertising,broadcasting, and a few lawyers are among her
clients.Pennyssalesmanualsaysofficefurniture.However,she

told me, if she used the word office with all of her clients, theyd

assumesheknewnothingabouttheirrespectiveindustries.

She told me her client, the purchasing officer in advertising, talks

about his advertisingagency. Pennys publishing client says publishing
house. The lawyers talk about furniturefor their firm, and her radio
clients use the word station instead of office. Hey, Penny says, its their
saltmine.Theycancallitwhateverthehecktheyplease.And,sheadded,
ifIwanttomakethesale,Idbetercallitthesamething.

EchoingIsPoliticallyCorrectInsurance
Heresaquiz:Youretalkingwithapharmacistandyouaskher,How

longhaveyouworkedatthedrugstore?Whatswrongwiththatquestion?

Giveup?Itstheworddrugstore.Pharmacistsabhorthewordbecause

it conjures up manyindustry problems. Theyre used to hearing it from
outsiders,butitsatip-offthattheyareunawareof,orinsensitiveto,their
professionalproblems.Theypreferpharmacy.

Technique#45
Echoing
Echoingisasimplelinguistictechniquethatpacksapowerfulwallop.

Listen to thespeakers arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions,
adjectivesand echo them back.Hearing their words come out of your
mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feelyou share their
values,theirattitudes,theirinterests,theirexperiences.

HowtoMakeThemFeelThatYoureLikeFamily181
Recently, at a reception, I introduced one of my friends, Susan, as a

day-care worker.AfterwardSusanbegged,Leil,pueezedonotcallmea

day-care worker. Were child-care workers. Whoops! Time and recent
historyquicklymakecertaintermsarchaic.

Agroupsintensepreferenceforonewordisnotarbitrary.Cetainjobs,

minorities, andspecial-interest groups often have a hitory the public is
not sensitive to. When thathistory has too much pain attached to it,
peopleinventanotherwordthatdoesnthavebitterconnotations.

I have a dear friend, Leslie, who is in a wheelchair. She says

whenever anyone says theword handicapped, she cringes. Leslie says it
makes her feel less than whole. We prefer you say person with a
disability. She then gave a moving explanation. We peple with
disabilities are the same as every other able-bodied peson. We sayAB,
sheadded.ABsgothroughlifewithallthesamebaggagewedo.Wejust
carryoneextrapiece,adisability.

Itssimple.Itseffective.Toshowrespectandmakepeoplefeelclose

toyou,Echotheirwords.Itmakesyouamoresensitivecomunicatorand
keepsyououtoftroubleeverytime.

HowtoReallyMakeItCleartoThem
I recently had to make a presentation to fifteen men in a corprate

meeting. OK, I saidto myself as I stood up, fifteen Matians and one
Venusian. No problem! Id read Men Are from Mars, WomenAre from
Venus.Idexploredneurologicaldifferencesinmensandwomens brains.
I knew all about gender-specific bodlanguage signals. Hey, I teach
communicationsdifferences.Iwaswellpreparedtotalktothesemen,get
mypointacross,andfendanyquestions.

Everythingstartedoutfine.Idconceivedmypresentationclearlyand

concisely, developedeach theme, and presented it flalessly. Then, I sat
downandconfidentlyinvitedquestionsandopendiscussion.

Thats when it fell apart. All I remember is a horrifying barage of

questionscouchedinfootballanalogies.

Doyouthinkwedroppedtheballonthatone?onemanasked.
Yeah,anotherresponded.Butcanwemakeafumblerecovery?
Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass coerage and

intentionalgrounding,Istartedtoloseit.Whenone

182

HowtoReallyMakeItCleartoThem183
guy raved about a Hail Mary pass being needed to save the deal, I

sufferedtheultimatehumiliation.Ihadtoask,Uh,whatdoesthatmean?
The guys looked at each otherknowingly and then smiled
condescendinglyastheyexplainedittome.

That night I had sadistic fantasies of fifteen women running the

company and one man leftscratching his head as we bandied about
childbirthanalogies.

We wont get his new proposal til the third trimester, reports the

accountexec.

Yeah, but thats six months away. Lets get it by C-section, responds

thecomptroller.

Why bother? asks the marketing VP. All his ideas are deveoped in

vitroanyway.

Im about to go into postpartum depression, murmurs the CEO. The

lone male employee is leftas confused and humiliated as I was in the
faceoffootballanalogies.

Ahem, the aim of this book is not to feed fiendish fantasies, but to

improvecommunications. To that end, I offer the folloing technique
basedonanalogies,notjustfootballanalogies.Becauseold-boyanalogies
areunsportsman-likeconductwiththegirls.

On-TargetAnalogiesHitBulls-Eye
Analogies can be an effective communications toolif you evoke

images from the life of theperson you are talking to. Men dont use
footballanalogiestoobfuscatemattersortoconfusewomenbuttoclarify
situationsforeachother.Analogiesfromthesportbring situationstolife
formenbecausegenerallytheywatchmorefootballthanwomen.

Moving on to other sports analogies: everyone knows what the

speakermeanswhenheorshehears,Wellneverstrikeout

with this solution. Nevertheless, the image would be more copelling

to a baseball fanas would analogies like caught on the fly, hitting the
dirt,orthrowingaspitball.

Youve heard people say, This solution is right on target. We all

understand it. But thephrasing would be more dramatic for archery

enthusiasts.Ifyourlistenerwereabowler,speakingofgutterballsorbig
splits would bring whatever you were dicussing to life.If your business
buddies were basketball fans, analogies like hook shot or air ball would
landrightintheirbasket.Ifyourclientwrestles,sayingfeintsandscissor
holdswouldbethewaytograbhim.

These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are potent

communicationstoolswhentheyevokeyourconversationpartnersworld.
Why not use the most powerful termspossible to get your point across
andmakethesale?IcallthetechniquePotentImaging.

Technique#46
PotentImaging
Doesyourcustomerhaveagarden?Talkabout sowing the seeds for

success.Doesyourbossownaboat?Tellhimorheraboutaconceptthat
will hold water or stay afloat. Maybe heis a private pilot? Talk about a
concept really taking off. She plays tennis? Tell her it really hits the
sweetspot.

Evokeyourlistenersinterestsorlifestyleandweaveimagesaroundit.

To give yourpoints more power and punch, use analogies from your
listenersworld,notyourown.PotentImagingalsotellsyourlistenersyou
thinklikethemandhintsyousharetheirinterests.

HowtoReallyMakeItCleartoThem185
PardonmewhileIreturnmomentarilytomysadisticfantasiesofthe

hopelessly confusedlone male employee. The all-female management
teamisnowarguingthecorporatestrategyusing,notfootballofcourse,
butballetanalogies.

Isayletsdothecorporatetakeoverallegro,shesuggests.
Nah,yougottagoadagiointhesematters,hercolleagueresponds.
ButwhatiftheydoatourjetŽwhilewerepoisedinfifth?Cmondid

youeverseeagoodpasseulfromtheirpresident?Thetopwomansettles
it.Isayletsjustgivehimalittle

rŽvŽrence,andthenagrandbattementintheballs.
How to Make Them FeelYou Empathize (Without Just SayingYep,

UhHuh,Yeah)

While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize uh huh or purr

throaty little ummsounds to reassure the speaker we have heard their
words.Infact,withsomeitssuchahabit,thenoisesescapetheirthroats
unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consumate,constant, and incontinent
ummerwheneverImtalking.Occasionally,ifImfeelingcontentiousafter
hesgivenoneofhisagreeableummsinresponsetosomethingIvesaid,I
challengehimwith,OK,Phil,whatdidIsay?

Uh,well,gosh...Philhasnoidea.Itsnothisfault.Hesmale.Men

are especiallyguiltyofthenot-really-listeningummhabit.Once,whenI
wasonamonologueaboutnothinginpaticular,Philwasonarealumm
roll.Totesthislisteningskills,Islippedin,Yes,thisafternoonIthinkIll
gooutandgettattooedallovermybody.

Philnoddedhishabitualuhhuh.
Well,ummingisbetterthanablankstare.However,itsnotthechoice

of topcommunicators. Try replacing your umms with full-blown
empathizers.

186
HowtoMakeThemFeelYouEmpathize187
WhatAreEmpathizers?
Empathizersaresimple,short,supportivestatements.Unlikeuhhuh,

they are completesentences such as I can appreciate you decided to do
that,orThatreallyisexciting.Empathizerscanbeone-sentencepositive
critiqueslikeYes,thatwasthehonoable thingtodo,orItscharmingyou
feltthatway.

When you respond with complete sentences instead of the usual

grunts,notonlydoyoucomeacrossasmorearticulate,butyourlistener
feelsthatyoureallyunderstand.

Ofcourse,youpayaprice.Tousetherightempathizers,youdoneed

tolisten.

Nowletsfine-tunethistechniqueandexploreadvancedempathizing.
Technique#47
EmployEmpathizers
Dontbeanunconsciousummer.Vocalizecompletesentencestoshow

your understanding. DustyourdialoguewithphraseslikeIseewhatyou
mean. Sprinkle it with sentimentalsparklerslikeThatsalovelythingto

say. Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to
continue.

How to Make Them ThinkYou See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They

Do

Abouttenyearsago,IhadaroommatenamedBrenda.Brendawasa

tap dance teacher whodidntjusttapdancetomakealiing.Shelivedto
tap.PostersofBillBojanglesRobinsonandCharlesHoniColesplastered
her walls. She didnt walk around the house. Shetapped her way from
room to room. It was noisy, but at least, when a phone call came for
Brenda,Ineverhadtroblefindingher.

Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said, From

the moment I firstopened my ears. Her ears? I thought, thats strange.
MostpeoplesayfromthemomentIopenedmyeyes.Atthatmoment,I
realizedBrendasawtheworldmorethroughherearsthanhereyes.

Weallperceivetheworldthroughfivesenses.Weseetheworld.We

heartheworld.We feeltheworld.Wesmelltheworld.Andwetastethe
world. Therefore, we talk in terms ofthose five senses. Proponents of
neurolinguisticprogramming(NLP)tellus,foreachperson,onesenseis
strongerthanothers.ForBrenda,itwasherhearing.

Brendatoldmeshegrewupinadarkapartmentbelowstreetlevelin

NewYorkCity.She remembers,asaninfant,hearingthepitter-patterof
feetwalkingjustabovehercribonthesidewalk.

188
How to Make Them ThinkYou See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They

Do189

As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns,

shrieking sirens, and tirechains slapping the icy streets. She espcially
remembers the clumpety-clomp of policehorses hoofs on the pavement
outsideherwindow.Herfirstperceptionsoftheousideworldcametoher
through her ears. To this day, sound doinates her life. Brenda, the tap
dancer,isanauditoryperson.

Sinceneurolinguistssuggestinvokingourlistenersstrongestsense,I

triedafewauditoryreferencesonBrenda.Ratherthansaying,Thatlooks
good to me, Id say Thatsounds good. Instead of saying, I see what you

mean,Idsay,Ihearyou.WhenIusedtheseauditoryreferences,Ifeltshe
paidmoreattention.

SoIstartedlisteningverycarefullytoallmyfriendstodicoverwhich

wastheirprimaryperception.SometimesIdhearvisualreferenceslike

I see what you mean. That looks good to me. I cant picture myself

doingthat.Itakeadimviewofthatidea.Frommyperspective...

Wow,IthoughtIwasreallyontosomething!
AWrinkleDevelops
Butthen,whoops,atothertimes,Idhearthatsamefriendsay
Yeah, I hear you. Sure, that sounds good to me. I kept saying to

myselfitwouldwork.

Thathasanegativeringtoit.Hereallytunedoutonthewholeidea.

Somethingtellsme...

ThiswasntgoingtobequiteaseasyasIdexpected.However,Iwasnt

readytogiveup.

Once, Brenda and I went skiing with several friends. That night we

wereataparty.Oneofourfriendswastellingagroupofpeople,Theski
slopeswerebeautiful.Everythingwassocrytalclearandwhite.

Avisualperson?Iaskedmyself.
Another skier added, The feel of the fresh snow on our faces was

terrific.

Aha,akinestheticperson,Imusedsilently.
Sure enough, just then, Brenda said, Today was so silent. The only

sound you could hearwasthewindinyourearsasyoucameswooshing
downtheslopes.Thatlittleriffconvincedmetherewassomethingtoit.

However,Istillfounditdifficulttodiscernonesprimarysense.
ASimpleSolution
Heres what Ive found does work, and it doesnt take too much

detective work on your part. Icall the technique Anatomically Correct
Empathizers, and its easy to master. Unless it isobviousthepersonyou
are speaking with is primarily visual, auditory, or kinesthetic,simply
respondinhisorhermodeofthemoment.Matchyourempathizerstothe
currentsense someone is talking through. For example, suppose a
business colleague describing afinancial plan says, With this plan, we

canseeourwayclearinsixmonths.Sincethistimeshesusingprimarily
visualreferences,

How to Make Them ThinkYou See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They

Do191

say I see what you mean orYou really have a clear picture of that

situation.

If, instead, your colleague had said, This plan has a good ring to it,

youd substituteauditory empathizers like It does sound great, or I hear
you.

A third possibility. Suppose she had said, I have a gut feeling this

plan will work. Nowyou give her a kinesthetic empathizer like I can
understandhowyoufeel,orYouhaveagoodgraspofthatproblem.

Whatabouttheothertwosenses,tasteandsmell?Well,Iveneverrun

up against anygustatory or olfactory types. But you could always
compliment a chef by saying, Thats adelicious idea. And if you are
talkingtoyourdog(olfactory,ofcourse),tellhimThewholeideastinks.

Thenexttechniquehelpscreateaffinitywithasingleword.
Technique#48
AnatomicallyCorrectEmpathizers
Whatpartoftheiranatomyareyourassociatestalkingthrough?Their

eyes?Theirears?Theirgut?

Forvisualpeople,usevisualempathizerstomakethemthinkyousee

theworldthewaytheydo.Forauditoryfolks,useauditoryempathizersto
makethemthinkyouhearthemloudandclear.Forkinesthetictypes,use
kinesthetic empathizers to make them think youfeel the same way they
do.

HowtoMakeEmThinkWe(InsteadofYouvs.Me)
Byjusteavesdroppingforafewmomentsonanytwopeoplechating,

you could tell a lotabout their relationship.You could tell if they were
new acquaintances or old friends.You could tell whether a man and a
womanwerestrangersoracouple.

Youwouldntevenneedtohearfriendscalleachotherpal,buddy,or

mate. You wouldnt need to hear a man and a woman whisper dear,
sweetheart,orturtledove.Itwouldntmatterwhattheywerediscussingor

even their tone of voice. You could even be blindfolded and tell a lot
about their relationship because the technique Im about to share has
nothingtodowithbodylanguage.

How? A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as people

becomecloser.Hereshowitdevelops:

LevelOne:ClichŽs
TwostrangerstalkingtogetherprimarilytossclichŽsbackandforth.

For instance, whenchatting about the universally agreeupon worlds
dullest subjectthe weatherone strangermight say to the other, Beautiful
sunny weather weve been having. Or, Boy, some rain, huh? Thats level
one,clichŽs.

192
HowtoMakeEmThinkWe(InsteadofYouvs.Me)193
LevelTwo:Facts
People who know each other but are just acquaintances often dicuss

facts. You know, Joe, weve had twice as many sunny days this year to
dateaslast.Or,Yeah,well,we finallydecidedtoputinaswimmingpool
tobeattheheat.

LevelThree:FeelingsandPersonalQuestions
Whenpeoplebecomefriends,theyoftenexpresstheirfeelingstoeach

other, even onsubjects as dull as the weather. George, I just love these
sunnydays.Theyalsoaskeachotherpersonalquetions:Howaboutyou,
Betty?Areyouasunperson?

LevelFour:WeStatements
Nowweprogresstothehighestlevelofintimacy.Thislevelisricher

than facts andcreates more rapport than feelings. Its we and us
statements. Friends discussing theweathermightsay,Ifwekeephaving
this good weather, itll be a great summer. Lovers mightsay,Ihopethis
goodweatherkeepsupforussowecangoswimmingonourtrip.

Atechniquetoachievetheultimateverbalintimacygrowsoutofthis

phenomenon. Simplyuse the word we prematurely. You can use it to
makeaclient,aprospect,astrangerfeelyouarealreadyfriends.Useitto
makeapotentialromanticpartnerfeelthetwoofyouarealreadyanitem.
I call it the Premature We. In casual conversation, simply cut through

levelsoneandtwo.Jumpstraighttothreeandfour.

Askyourprospectsfeelingsonsomethingthewayyouwouldquerya

friend. (George, how doyou feel about the new govenor?) Then use the
pronoun we when discussing anything thatmight affect the two of you.
(Doyouthinkweregoingtoprosperduringhisadministration?)Makeit
apointtoconcoctwesentences,thekindpeopleinstinctivelyreservefor
friends, lovers, and other intimates. (I think well survivewhile the
governorsinoffice.)

The word we fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel

connected. It gives asubliminal feeling of you and me against the cold,
cold world. When you prematurely say weor us, even to strangers, it
subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints youare already
friends.Ataparty,youmightsaytosomeonestandingbehindyouatthe
buffetline,Hey,thislooksgreat.Theyreallylaidoutanicespreadforus.
Or,Uh-oh,weregoingtogetfatifweletourselvesenjoyallofthis.

Well, we have just explored how to copy our conversation partners

movementswithBeaCopyclass,echotheirwords,evokePotentImages
from their world, create a bond throughtheir prmary sense with
Anatomically Correct Empathizers, and establish subliminalfriendship
withwordslikewe.

Whatelsedofriends,lovers,andcloseassociateshaveincomon?A

history.Thefinaltechniqueinthissectionisadevicetogiveafairlynew
acquaintance the warm and fuzzyfeeling the two of you have been
togetherforalong,longtime.

Technique#49
ThePrematureWe
Createthesensationofintimacywithsomeoneevenifyouvemetjust

moments before.Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping
conversational levels one and two andcutting right to levels three and
four.Elicitintimatefeelingsbyusingthemagicwordswe,us,andour.

HowtoCreateaFriendlyPrivateJokewithThem
Lovers whisper phrases in each others ears that mean nothing to

anyonebutthemselves.Friendscrackupoverafewwordsthatsoundlike
gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them.Close busness associates

chuckleaboutsharedexperiences.

OnecompanyIveworkedwithhasseenreengineering,empowerment,

TQM,andteambuildingcomeandgoinonedecade.Atcompanyparties,
the employees never fail to crack up overthe time when the whole
companymanagers to mail-room clerksscrambled up a twenty-nine-foot
poletogetherallinthenameofteambuilding.TheCEOslippeddownthe
pole and brokehis big toe.At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook
hiscrutchandcausticallyannounced,Nomoreteamexercises!Thus,the
deathofteambuildingandthebirthofaprivatejoke.

Outofsharedexperienceslikethis,acompanyculturegrows.These

employees have ahistory and a language to go with it. To this day,
whenevertheywanttoputanabruptendtoanyidea,theysay,Letsshake
a crutch at it or Lets slide that one down the flagpole.They all smile.
Nobodyknowswhattheymeanexceptfellowemployees.

TheplaywrightNeilSimon,sometimeswithasingleword,canmake

anentireBroadwayaudienceunderstandtwoperform195

ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor siply

says something tothe actress that makes no sense to the audence. Then
bothofthemlaughuproariously.Everybodygetsthemessage:thesetwo
peopleareanitem.

Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we dont say Hello. We say

Quack. Why? We met at a party five years ago and, in our first
conversation,Daryltoldmehegrewuponaduckfarm.WhenItoldhim
Id never seen a duck farm, he performed the best human imitation ofa
duckIdeverseen.Heflippedhisheadsidetosidelookingatmefirstout
ofoneeye,thentheother,allthewhileflappinghisarmsandquacking.I
got such a laugh out ofhisperformancethatitinspiredhimtodoafull
flat-footedduckwaddleforme.Itwascontagious.Togetherwewaddled
around the room flapping and quacking. We made absolute fools of
ouselvesthatevening.

The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear, not

Hello,thisisDaryl,butsimply,Quack.Imsurethats

Technique#50
InstantHistory

When you meet a stranger youd like to make less a stranger, search

for some special momentyou shared during your first encounter. Then
find a few words that reprieve the laugh, thewarm smile, the good
feelingsthetwoofyoufelt.Now,justlikeoldfriends,youhaveahistory
together,anInstantHistory.

Withanyoneyoudliketomakepartofyourpersonalorprofessional

future,lookforspecialmomentstogether.Thenmakethemarefrain.

HowtoCreateaFriendlyPrivateJokewithThem197
whatstartedourfriendship.Tothisday,everytimeIhearhisQuack

onthephone,itfloodsmewithhappy,ifatadembarassing,memories.It
recallsourhistoryandrenewsourfriendshipnomatterhowlongitsbeen
sincewelastquackedateachother.

NowWhatsLeft?
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared

bybigwinnersinallwalksoflife.PartOnehelpedusmakeadynamic,
confident, and charismatic firstimpression with body language. In Part
Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our bodyballet. Then in Part
Three,weseizedhintsfromthebigboysandbiggirlssowerecontenders
for lifes big league. Part Four rescued us from being tongue-tied with
folkswith whom we have very litle in common. And in Part Five, we
learned techniques tocreate instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant
rapport.

Whats left? You guessed itmaking people feel really good about

themselves. But complimentsare a dangerous weapon in todays world.
Onemishandlingandyoucanbutcherthereltionship.Letusnowexplore
thepowerofpraise,thefollyofflatery,andhowyoucanusethesepotent
toolseffectively.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTSIX

HowtoDifferentiatethePowerofPraisefromtheFollyofFlattery
Kidsareexpertsatgettingwhattheywant.PerchedonPapasknee,Oh

Daddy,youresowunnerful.Iknowyoullbuymethatnewdoll.Thenext
morning,withMamainthesupermarket,OhMommy,Iloveyou.Youre
the most bestest mommy in the world. I know youllbuy me that
chocolatemunchie.

FromthehungryinfantsinstinctivecooingasMommyapproachesthe

cribtothecarsalesmanscalculatedpraiseastheprospectwalksintothe
showroom, compliments comenaturally to people when they want
something from somebody. In fact, compliments are themost widely
used and thoroughly endorsed of all getting-what-you-want techniques.
WhenDaleCarnegiewroteBeginwithpraise,fifteenmillionreaderstook
ittoheart.Mostofusstillthinkpraiseisthepathtoextractingwhatwe
wantfromsomeone.

And yes, if its as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies from

mommy,itmaybe.Butthebusinessworldhaschanged

199
dramatically since Dale Carnegies day. In todays world, not every

smilingflattererhasthepowertoprocurethroughpraise.

TheMalaiseofUnskilledPraise
Yougivesomeoneacompliment.Yousmile,waitingtoseethewarm

feelingsengulftherecipient.Youmayhavetowaitalongtime.

Ifheorshehasaspeckofsuspicionyourpraiseisself-serving,ithas

the oppositeeffect. If your compliment is insincere or unskilled, it can
wreck your chances of everbeing trusted by that person again. It can
abortapotentialrelationshipbeforeitevergetsofftherunway.

However,skilledpraiseisadifferentstory.Whendonewell,itgives

therelationshipimmediateliftoff.Itcanmakeasale,winanewfriend,or
rejuvenateamarriageonagoldenanniversary.

What is the difference between praise that lifts and flattery that

flattens? Many factorsenter the equation. They include your sincerity,

timing, motivation, and wording. Theyalso involve the recipients self-
image,professionalposition,experiencewithcopliments,andjudgment
of your powers of perception. Of course it entails the relationship
between the two of you and how long you have known each other. If
youre complimentingsomeone by phone, E-mail, or snail mail, it even
involvessubtletiessuchaswhetheryouveeverseenhisorface,eitherin
personoraphotograph.

Mind boggling, isnt it? Sociologists research shows: 1) a copliment

fromanewpersonismorepotentthanfromsomeoneyoualreadyknow,
2) your compliment has more credibilitywhen given to an unattractive
person or an attractive person whose face youve never seen,3) you are
takenmoreseriouslyifyouprefaceyourcommentsbysomeself-effacing
remarkbutonlyifyourlistenerperceivesyouashigheronthetotempole.
Ifyourelower,your

How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery

201

self-effacing remark reduces your credibility. Complicated, this

complimentingstuff.

Ratherthandizzyingourselveswiththesurfeitofspecificstudies,lets

just put someterrific techniques in our little bag of tricks. Each of the
followingmeetsallthecriteriaofsocialscietistsfindings.Herearenine
effectivewaystopraiseinthenewmillennium.

How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like Youre

Brownnosing)

The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the

distrustful

recipientwill assume you are indulging in shameless,

obsequiouspanderingtoachieveyourowngreedygoals.

Its a sad reality about compliments. If you lay a big one out of the

blue on your boss,your prospect, or your sweetie, the reciient will
probablythinkyourebrownnosing.Yourmainsqueezewillassumeyoure
suffering guilt over something youve done. So whatsthe solution? Hold
backyoursincereesteem?

No, simply deliver it through the grapevine. The grapevine has long

been a trusted meansof communication. From the days when Catskills

comics insisted the best ways to spreadnews were telephone, telegraph,
andtell-a-woman,wehaveknownitworks.Unfortunatelythe grapevine
ismostoftenassociatedwithbadnews,thekindthatgoesinoneearand
over the back fence. But the grapevine need not be laden only with
scuttlebutt and sourgrapes. Good news can travel through the same
filament. And when it arrives in therecipients ear, it is all the more
delectable. This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732,Thomas Fuller
wrote,Hesmyfriendthatspeakswellofmebehindmyback.Were

202
How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like Youre

Brownnosing)203

more apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we

arentlisteningthansomeonewhoflattersustoourface.

No-RiskPraise(DoItBehindTheirBack)
Instead of telling someone directly of your admiration, tell somone

whoisclosetothepersonyouwishtocompliment.Forinstance,suppose
you want to be in the good graces ofJane Smith. Dont directly
compliment Jane. Go to her close associate Diane Doe and say,You
know,Janeisaverydynamicwoman.Shesaidsomethingsobrilliantin
the meeting theother day. Someday shell be running this company. I
place ten-to-one odds your commentwill get back to Jane via the
grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane will tell her friend,You should
hearwhatsonsosaidaboutyoutheotherday.

When you gave Grapevine Glory to Jane, Diane became the carrier

pigeon of that compliment.Which leads us to the next technique where
youbecomethecarrierpigeonofotherpeoplescompliments.

Technique#51
GrapevineGlory
Acomplimentonehearsisneverasexcitingastheoneheoverhears.

A priceless way topraise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by
tell-a-friend. This way you escapepossible suspicion that you are an
apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, bacscratching sycophant
trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy
fantasythatyouaretellingthewholeworldabouttheirgreatness.

HowtoBeaCarrierPigeonofGoodFeelings
Carrierpigeonshavealongandvalianthistory.Thedauntlesswinged

messengers, oftenmaimed by shellfire and dying after delivering their
messages, have saved the lives ofthousands. One tenacious little bird
named Cher Ami is credited with saving two hundredlives during the
BattleoftheArgonneinWorldWarI.Thebraveone-leggedlittlebirdie,
one of his wings shot through, carried a message dangling from his
remainingligament.Theblood-smearedlittleballoffeathersarrivedjust
intimetowarnthattheGermanswereabouttobombthecity.

Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battlscarred

careerthathisfansstuffedhim,mountedhim,andputhimondisplayin
the NationalAir Force Museum inDayton, Ohio.And millions of other
brave birds have brought joyful mesages toracing-pigeon enthusiasts
around the world. In that fine tradition, I present thecomplimenting
techniqueIcallCarrierPigeonKudos.

Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone, dont let it

endthere.Youdontneed towriteit,rollitupinacasule,strapittoyour
leg like Stumpy Joe, and fly itto the recipent. Nevertheless, you can
remember the kudo and verbally carry it to theperson who will get the
mostpleasurethepersonwhowascomplimented.

204
HowtoBeaCarrierPigeonofGoodFeelings205
Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other. If

your colleague Carlsays something nice about another colleague, Sam,
passiton.Youknow,Sam,Carlsaidthe nicestthingaboutyoutheother
day.

Yoursistertellsyouyourfirstcousinisadynamiterelative.Goahead

andcallCuz.

Your mother tells you she thinks Manny did a great job moing the

lawn. Pass it on tohim. Hey, we all like a little apprecition, even from
Mom.

Hereswhereitbenefitsyou.Everyonelovesthebearerofgladtidings.

When you bringsomeonethird-partykudos,theyapprciateyouasmuch
asthecomplimenter.Callitgossipifyoulike.Thisisthegoodkind.

CarryMoreCargothanCompliments
Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carier

pigeon of news itemsthat might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or E-
mailpeoplewithinformationtheymightfindinterestTechnique#52

CarrierPigeonKudos
People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves

into carrier pigeons whentheres bad news. (Its called gossip.) Instead,
becomeacarrierofgoodnewsandkudos.Wheneveryouhearsomething
complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment.Your
fansmaynotposthumouslystuffyouandputyouondisplayinamuseum
likeStumpyJoe.Buteveryonelovesthecarrierpigeonofkindthoughts.

ing. If your friend Ned is a furniture designer in North Carolina and

youseeabigarticleintheLosAngelesTimesaboutfurnituretrends,fax
ittohim.IfyourclientSallyisasculptorinSeattleandyouseeherwork
insomeoneshomeinNewYork,sendheranote.

My friend Dan lives in San Francisco, and whenever he runs across

anythinginthepaperoncommunications,heclipsitandsendsittome.
No note, just FYIRegards, Dan in thecorner. Hes like my own private
WestCoastclippingservice.

Try it. Think of the money youll save on greeting cards.A relevant

clipping is the bigwinners way of saying, Im thinking of you and your
interests.

HowtoMakeEmFeelYourAdmirationJustSlippedOut
Heres yet another caress for someones ego. Dont give a blatant

compliment.

Merely

implysomething magnificent about your

coversation partner. Several months ago, I wasvisiting an old friend in
DenverwhomIhadntseeninalongtime.Whenhecametomyhotel to
pickmeup,hesaid,Hello,Leil,howareyou?Thenhepaused,lookedat
me,andsaid,Youveobviouslybeenwell.Wow,Ifeltterrific.Heimplied
Ilookedgoodandthatmademyevening.

Guess the Good Lord decided I shouldnt have too swollen a head,

however,becauselaterthatevening,aftermyfrienddroppedmeoff,Igot
intothehotelelevator.Amaintenance manenteredatthethirdfloor.He
smiled at me. I smiled back. He looked at me again andsaid, Gosh,

maam, was you a model? [Oh, man, was I feeling on top of the world
now!]...whenyouwasyoung?hecontinued.

CRASH! Why couldnt he have zipped his lip before the zinger? I

loved the implication inthe first part of his comment. But the second
implied I was now an old lady. Ruined mynext day. Heck, his
unintentionallowblowruinedmyweek.InfactIstillfeelwretchedabout
it.

207
Youhavetobecarefulofunintentionalbadimplications.If,visitinga

new city, youstopsomeoneonthestreetandsay,Excuseme,couldyou
tellmeifthereareanyfinediningrestaurantsnearby?youareimplying
thepasserbyisapersonoftaste.If,however,youaskthatsamepasserby,
Hey, know any down and dirty bars in this burg? your implication is
entirelydifferent.Findawaytoimplymagnificentqualitiesofthoseyou
wishtoindrectlycompliment.

Technique#53
ImpliedMagnificence
Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose

something positive about theperson youre talking with. But be careful.
Dont blow it like the welintentionedmaintenance man. Or the southern
boywho,attheprom,thoughthewasflatteringhisdatewhenhetoldher,
Gosh,MaryLou,forafatgalyoudancerealgood.

HowtoWinTheirHeartsbyBeinganUndercoverComplimenter
Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call

AccidentalAdulation.Once,atasmalldinnerparty,thesubjectturnedto
spacetravel.Thegentlemanseatedtomyrightsaid,Leil,youremuchtoo
youngtorememberthis,butwhenApollo11landedonthemoon...

Ifmylifedependedonit,Icouldnttellyouwhatthechapsaidnext.I

simplyremembersmilingtomyselfandstretchingtogetaglimpseofmy
youthfulselfinthedining-roommirror.OfcourseIrememberJuly1969.
Like the rest of the world, I was glued to thetelevision watching Neil
Armstrongssize91Ú2Bboothitthemoon.However,Icertainlywasnot
thinking of moon travel at that dinnerparty. I was too busy reveling in
the fact that this lovely man didnt think I was oldenough to remember

1969. I assumed his opinion of my youthfulness just slipped out. Ther
foreitmustbesincere.

Sure!NowthatIthinkaboutit,heprobablyknewdarnwellIwasold

enoughtorememberthemoonlanding.Ibethewas

209
using the maneuverAccidentalAdulation. But it doesnt matter. My

warm memories of himremain. Accidental Adulation is sliping praise
intothesecondarypartofyourpoint,puttingitinvebalparentheses.

TryIt.YoullLikeIt.TheyllLoveIt.
TryAccidentalAdulationandseesmilesbreakoutonthefacesofthe

recipients. Tellyour sixty-five-year-old uncle, Anyone as fit as you
wouldhavezippedrightupthosesteps,butboy,wasIoutofbreath.Tell
acolleague:Becauseyouresoknowledgeableincontractlaw,youwould
havereadbetweenthelines,butstupidly,Isignedit.

You run the danger, of course, that you will please the reciient so

profoundlywithyourparentheticalpraise,heorshewonthearyourmain
point.

So far we have explored four covert compliments: Grapevine Glory,

Carrier Pigeon Kudos,Implied Magnificence, andAccdentalAdulation.
There are times, of course, when blatantpraise does work. The next
techniqueswillhoneyourskillsinthisprcariousbutrewardingventure.

Technique#54
AccidentalAdulation
Becomeanundercovercomplimenter.Stealthilysneakpraiseintothe

parentheticalpartofyoursentence.

Justdonttrytoquizanyonelateronyourmainpoint.Thejoyfuljolt

of your accidentaladulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything
thatfollows.

HowtoMakeEmNeverForgetYouwithaKillerCompliment
Wouldyouliketohavealittletrickupyoursleevepotentenoughto

kickstartcommerce,igniteafriendshiporevenaloveaffair?Illgiveyou
one,butonlyifyouheeditswarninglabel.Youmustregisteryourtongue
as a lethal weapon once youve mastered thefollowing technique. Its
calledtheKillerCompliment.

It was born one night some years ago after my then-roommate,

Christine,andIhadjustreturnedhomefromaholidayparty.Aswewere
takingoffourcoats,shehadasillysmileonherfaceandafarawaylook
inhereye.

Christine,areyouOK?Iasked.Ohyes,shepurred.Imgoingtogoout

with that man. Man?Whatman?Oh,youknow,shesaid,chastisingme
fornotknowing,the

onewhotoldmeIhadbeautifulteeth.Teeth!
ThatnightIhappenedtowalkbythebathroomdoorasChristinewas

getting ready for bed.I saw her grinning at herself in the mirror, tilting
her head from side to side, andbrushing each individual tooth.All the
while she kept her eyes glued to the miror,inspecting each one for the
beautyhernewadmirercomentedon.Irealizedthefellowwhohadgiven
Christinethe

211
unusual compliment had made her dayand had made a killer

impressiononher.ThustheKillerComplimentcameintobeing.Whatis
the Killer Compliment? It is commenting on somevery personal and
specific quality you spot in someone.A Killer Compliment is not I like
yourtieorYoureaveryniceperson.(Thefirstisnotpersonalenoughand
the second isnot specific enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like
What exquisite eyes you have, (veryspecific) orYou have a wonderful
airofhonesty

about you, (very personal). Because delivering your first Killer

Complimentisdifficult,I

trick my seminar participants into pulling it off. About midway

through the program, Illask them to close their eyes and think about a
partner they had in an earlier exercise.Then I say, Now recall one
attractive physical quality or personality trait you observedin your
partner. Not one you would necessarily comment on, I caution. Perhaps
yourpartnerhadalovelysmileoratwikleinhereye.Perhapsheexuded
asenseofcalmorcredibility.Gotitinyourmind?

Thenthethunderbolt:OK,nowgofindyourpartnerandtellthemthe

nice quality younoticed.What?Tellthem?Thethoughtparalyzesthem.

One by one, however, theycourageously seek their partners and deliver
their Killer Compliments. As peple hear astranger tell them they have
beautiful hands or pentrating brown eyes, joy fills theroom. Laughter
explodes in every corner. I am now looking out at a sea of smiles and
happyblushes. Everyone loves receiving his or her personal Killer
Compliment.Andeveryonedevelopsfriendlyfeelingstowardthegiver.

TheKillerComplimentUsersManual
Justlikeacannon,ifyoudontusetheKillerComplimentcorectly,it

canbackfire.Herestheusersmanualthatcomeswiththemightymissile.

HowtoMakeEmNeverForgetYouwithaKillerCompliment213
Technique#55
KillerCompliment
Whenever you are talking with a stranger youd like to make part of

your professional orpersonal future, search for one attractive, specific,
anduniquequalityheorshehas.

At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye.

Say his or her nameand proceed to curl all ten toes with the Killer
Compliment.

Rule#1:DeliveryourKillerComplimenttotherecipentinprivate.If

you are standingwithagroupoffourorfivepeople and you praise one
womanforbeingfit,everyotherwomanfeelslikeabarreloflard.Ifyou
tell one man he has wonderful carriage, everyother feels like a
hunchback.Youalsomaketheblushingrecipientuncomfortable.

Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible. For example, Im

tone-deaf.IfImforcedtosingevenasimplesonglikeHappyBirthday,I
soundlikeasickpig.Ifanyoneinearshotwerefoolishenoughtotellme
theylikedmyvoice,Idknowitwashogwash.

Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each

recipient.Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasinsincere,groveling,obsequious,
pandering,andathoroughlymanipulativeperson.Notcool.

Withcarefulaim,theKillerComplimentcaptureseveryone.Itworks

best, however, whenyouuseitjudiciouslyonnewacquaintances.Ifyou
wanttopraisefriendseveryday,employthenexttechnique.

HowtoMakeEmSmilewithItty-BittyBoosters

In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers, and

TheTombstoneGameforlovedones,whichwewilllearnshortly,heresa
little peashooter you can pop off atanyone, antime. I call it Little
Strokes.

Little Strokes are short, quick kudos you drop into your casual

conversation. Make liberaluse of Little Strokes with your coleagues in
theoffice:

Nice job, John! Well done, Kyoto! Hey, not bad, Billy! I have one

friendwhousesalovelyLittleStroke.IfIdosomethinghelikes,hesays,
Not too shabby, Leil. You can also use Little Strokes on the everyday
achievements

of your loved ones. If your spouse just cooked a great meal, Wow,

youre the best chef intown. Just before going out together, Gee, honey,
you look great.After a long drive,You did it! It must have been tiring.
Withyourkids,Hey,gang,greatjobcleaningupyourroom.

I once read a poignant Readers Digest article about a little girl who

often

misbehaved.Her mother had to continually reprimand her.

However,oneday,thelittlegirlhadbeenespeciallygoodand

214
HowtoMakeEmSmilewithItty-BittyBoosters215
hadnt done a single thing that called for a reprimand. The mother

said,ThatnightafterItuckedherinbedandstarteddownstairs,Ihearda
muffled noise. Running back up, Ifound her head buried in the pillow.
She was sobbing. Between the sobs she asked, Mommy,haventIbeena
prettygoodgirltoday?

The question, the mother said, went through her like a knife. I had

been quick to correcther, she said, when she was wrong. But when she
triedtobehave,IhadntnoticeditandIputhertobedwithoutonewordof
appreciation.

Adultsareallgrown-uplittlegirlsandlittleboys.Wemaynotgoto

bed sobbing if thepeople in our lives dont notice when we are good.
Nevertheless,atraceofthosetearslingers.

LittleThingsMeanaLot
Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they

meanalot.Iveyettomeetawomanwhowouldntagreewiththeselyrics
fromanoldsongsungbyKittyKallen:

Blowmeakissfromacrosstheroom.SayIlooknicewhenImnot.

Touchmyhairasyoupassmychair.

Technique#56
LittleStrokes
Dontmakeyourcolleagues,yourfriends,yourlovedoneslookatyou

and silently say,Havent I been pretty good today? Let them know how
much you appreciate them by caressingthem with verbal Little Strokes
likeNicejob!Welldone!Cool!

216
HowtoTalktoAnyone
Little things mean a lot. Send me the warmth of a secret smile To

showmeyouhaventforgot.Foralwaysandever,nowandforever,Little
thingsmeanalot.

To further complicate the art of the compliment, one must consider

timing. Blatant,barefaced, brazen flattery turns all but the blindest
egomaniacs off. But the human animalnever fails to amaze observers.
There are moments when, if you dont give a bltant,barefaced, brazen
complimenteven to a bright indiviualyou lose. The following technique
definesthosemoments.

HowtoPraisewithPerfectTiming
Ill never forget the first time I gave a luncheon speech in front of

strangers. Idpracticed for the stuffed animals on my bed and my
roommate,Christine,butthiswasmydebutinfrontofarealaudience.

As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling

Rotarianswaitingformywordsofwitandwisdom.Mytonguewasdryas
chalk dust, my palms as wet as a fish. Theaudience might as well have
been seventeen thousand judges waiting to setence me toeternal
humiliation if I didnt inform and entertain each. I gave a last panic-
strickenglance at Christine, who had driven me to the club, and began,
Goodafternoon.Itgivesmegreatpleasure...

Thirty minutes later, amidst scattered applause which I feared was

obligatory, I crawledback to my seat next to Christine. I looked

expectantly at her. She smiled and said,You knowthisdessertisntbad.
Havesome.

Dessert? Dessert! Dammit, Christine, how did I do? I silently

screamed at her. A few minutes later Christine told me how much she
and,sheassumed,everyoneelseenjoyedmytalk.Neertheless,bythenit
wastoolate.Thecrucialcompliment-cravingmomenthadpassed.

217
QuickasaHiccup,YouMustComplimentNOW
When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty litle

rubber hammer, youinstantly give a knee jerk.And when peple make a
coup,youmustinstantlyhitthemwithaknee-jerkWow,youweregreat!

Say theyve just successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a terific

Thanksgivingturkey,orsungasolosongatthebirthdayparty.Nomatter
whethertheiraccomplishmentistrivialortriumphant,youmustpraiseit
immediatelynottenminuteslater,nottwominuteslaterimmediately.The
moment the winner walks out of the boardroom, the kitchen,the
spotlight,thevictorwantstohearonlyonesound:WOW!

ButWhatIfTheyReallyBombed?
Are you asking me to lie? you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively,

resoundingly,YES.Thisis oneofthefewmomentsinlifewherealieis
condoned by the most ethical individuals.Big winners reaize that
sensitivity to an insecure performers ego takes mometaryprecedence
overtheirdeepcommitmenttothetruth.They

Technique#57
TheKnee-JerkWow!
Quickasablink,youmustpraisepeoplethemomenttheyafinisha

feat.Inawink,likeaknee-jerkreactionsay,Youwereterrific!

Dontworrythattheywontbelieveyou.Theeuphoriaofthemoment

hasastrangelynumbingeffectontheachieversobjectivejudgment.

HowtoPraisewithPerfectTiming219
alsoknow,whensanityreturnstotherecipientandtheysuspectthey

screwed up, it wontmatter. He or she will retroactively apprciate your
sensitivityandforgiveyourcompassionatefalsehood.

Weve talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and overt.

Nowletstalkaboutaskillthat,formany,isevenharderreceivingthem.

HowtoMakeEmWanttoComplimentYou
We have a national weakness: we dont know how to receive a

compliment! In fact, I wouldlike to dedicate the following tecnique to
myFrenchfriendswhocontendtheFrencharebetterateverything.Well,
I concede one point. The French are, indeed, better atreceiving
compliments.Illexplainhowshortly.

Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation. If

someone compliments youandyoureactclumsilyoutofembarassment,
youunwittinglystartaviciouscycle.Afriendventuresacompliment:

He:(smiling)Hey,thatsanicedressyourewearing.She:(frowning)

Oh,thisoldthing?He:(thinking)Whoops,shedidntseemtolikehearing
that.

She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. Id better keep my

mouthshut.

Threeweekslater...
She: (thinking grumpily) He doesnt ever give me complments

anymore.Whataboor!

He:(thinkinggloomily)Whatsherproblem?
220
HowtoMakeEmWanttoComplimentYou221
GirlsDontLikeWhat?
Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was dicussing

compliments.Onefellowinsistedthatgirlsdontlikecompliments.

Girlsdontlikewhat?Iaskedincredulously.
He explained, I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes.And she

said,Boy,areyoublind.Thepoorchapwassowoundedbyherreaction,
he became gun-shy and had not aimed acompliment at a female since.
Whatashameforwomankindandwhatablightonhissocialskills.

Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer an

embarrassed little Thank you.Worse, they protest, Well, not really, but
thanks anyway. Some people toss it off with, just luck. When you react
thisway,youvisitagraveinjusticeonthecoplimenter.Youinsultawell-
meaningpersonspowersofperception.

VousætesGentil
LeaveittoFrenchfolkstocomeupwithacongenialcatchallphrase.

Upon receiving acompliment, they say, Vous �tes gentil. Loosely
translated,thatisHowkindofyou.

An American saying How kind of you could sound stilted like the

littleflowergirlinMyFairLadytryingtobecultured.Nevertheless,we
Yanks can express the French gentil sentiment with a technique I call
Boomeranging.

Whenyoutossaboomerang,itmakesanalmost180-degreeswervein

midair and soars backtolandatthefeetofthethrower.Likewise,when
someonetossesacomplimentyourway,letthegoodfeelingssoarbackto
the tosser. Dont just say Thanks. (Or worse, Oh itsnothing.) Let them
know of your gratitude and find a way to compliment them for their
compliment.Afewexamples:

Shesays,Ilikethoseshoes.Yousay,OhImsohappyyoutoldme.I

justgotthem.

Hesays,Youreallydidagoodjobonthisproject.Yousay,Oh,thats

soniceofyoutotellme.Iappreciateyourpositivefeedback.

YoucanalsoBoomerangthegoodfeelingsbackwhenpeopleaskyou

a question about yourfamily, a project, an event, or anthing that shows
theyareinterestedinyou.

Yourcolleagueasks,HowwasyourvacationinHawaii?Youanswer,

Oh,yourememberedIwenttoHawaii!Itwasgreat,thanks.

Your boss asks, Are you over your cold now? You answer, I

appreciateyourconcern.Ifeelmuchbetternow.

Wheneversomeoneshinesalittlesunshineonyourlifeintheformof

acomplimentorconcernedquestion,reflectitbackontheshiner.

Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor by

setting malekindstraight on compliments once and for all. I asked the
fellow who swore women hated praiseto give three women sitting near
himasincerecompliment.Hechosethewomanwiththebeautiful silver
hairsittingbehindhim,thegirl

Technique#58
Boomeranging

Justasaboomerangfliesrightbacktothethrower,letcompliments

boomerang right backto the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur
somethingthatexpressesThatsverykindofyou.

HowtoMakeEmWanttoComplimentYou223
withthehandslikeapianisttohisleft,andtheladywiththelovely

deep-blueeyesonhisright.Hetoldthemall.

Threewomenwaltzedoutoftheroomthatnightfeelingalitlebetter

about themselvesthan when they walked in. And, I hope, for all the
womenhewouldyetmeetinhislife,onemanleftwithachangedattitude
aboutcompliments.

As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to make

sure youre aiming deadcenter for peoples hearts. Whether youre giving
little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying aKiller Copliment on your
conversationpartner,thisnexttechniquekeepsyouontarget.

HowtoMakeaLovedOneFeelYouAreTHEPartnerforLife
Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times

Mommys and Daddys friends asked,And what do you want to be when
you grow up? That was our cue to regale our adoringaudience with
dreamsofbeingaballerina,afirefighter,anurse,acowboy,oramovie
star. Well, most of our lives wound up being a little closer to butcher,
baker,orcandlestickmaker.Neverthless,weallstillhavefantasiesofour
owngreatness.

Eventhoughmostofuscashedinourchildhooddreamsofbeingthe

star we thought wed be(so we could make some money), we all know
that deep down we are very, very, very sp cial. We say to ourselves,
Maybe the world will little note nor long remember howbrilliant, how
wonderful,howwitty,howcreativeorcaringIreallyam.However,those
whotrulyknowandlovemetheywillrecognizemygreatness,mymagic,
myspecialnessoverallotherordinarymortals.Whenwefindpeoplewith
thesupernaturalpowersofperceptiontorecognizeourremarkablness,we
becomeaddictedtotheheadydrugoftheirappreciation.

Praisingsomeoneyouknowandloverequiresadifferentsetofskills

from complimenting astranger. The formula to bring someone even
closer to you personally or professionallyfollows. I call it The

TombstoneGame.Itrequiresalittlesetup.

224
HowtoMakeaLovedOneFeelYouAreTHEPartnerforLife225
Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your loved

one,oryourbusinesspartner,tellhimorherthattheotherdayyouwere
readingaboutofallthingstombstones!Thepiecewasabout,yousay,what
people fantasize will be inscribed above their graveafter they die.You
learnedthatpeoplewantthequalitytheyaremostproudofinlifeetched
in stone. Then say, The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different
self-image,adifferentdeepsourceofpride.Examples:

Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist. Here lies Diane

Smith.Shewasacaringwoman.HereliesBillyBucks.Bygolly,hecould
make people laugh. Here lies Jane Wilson.She spread joy wherever she
went. Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way. Step two:Reveal to
yourpartnerwhatyouwouldlikecarved

onyourtombstone.Beseriousaboutyourrevelationtoencouragehim

orhertodolikewise.

Step three: Now, you pop the question, You know, Joe, when all is

said and done, what areyou most proud of ? What would you like the
world to most remember about you? What wouldyouwanttheworldto
seecarvedonyourtombstone?

Perhaps your business partner Joe says, Well, I guess Id sort of like

peopletoknowthatImamanofmyword.Listencarfully.Ifheexpounds
onit,takenoteofeverynuance.Thenfileitawayinyourheartanddont
sayawordaboutitagain.JoewillforgetyoueverplayedTheTombstone
Gamewithhim.

Stepfour:Letatleastthreeweekspass.Then,wheneveryouwantto

improvetherelationship,feedtheinformationbacktoyourpartnerinthe
form of a compliment. SayJoe, you know the reason I really appreciate
beinginbusinesswithyouisbecauseyoureamanofyourword.

WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. Finally, he says to

himself, someone whoappreciates me for who I really am. Telling him
youadmirehimforthesamereasonheadmires

himselfhasanimpactonJoelikenoothercomplimentintheworld.

Now,supposeyourfriendisBillyBucks,theonewhowantedhiswit

carvedonhistombstone.Youdsay,Billy,olbuddy,youreterrific.Iloves
yacauseyoucanreallymakepeoplelaugh.

ILoveYouBecause...(YouFillintheBlank)
Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding

example. Tell your beloved,Jane, I love you because you spread joy
whereveryougo.

SupposeyourlifepartnerisHarryJones.Youtakehishandandsay,

Harry,Iloveyoubecauseyoulivelifeyourway.BLAM!Youhavefound
thattenderspotwheretheheartandtheegoblend.

Technique#59
TheTombstoneGame
Asktheimportantpeopleinyourlifewhattheywouldlikeengraved

ontheirtombstone.Chiselitintoyourmemorybutdontmentionitagain.
Then,whenthemomentisrighttosayIappreciateyouorIloveyou,fill
theblankswiththeverywordstheygaveyouweeksearlier.

Youtakepeoplesbreathawaywhenyoufeedtheirdeepestself-image

to them in acompliment.At last, they say to themselves, someone who
lovesmeforwhoItrulyam.

HowtoMakeaLovedOneFeelYouAreTHEPartnerforLife227
The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable. Billy

Bucks might not appreciateyour calling him a man of his word; Billys
thingishumor.Janemightnotvalueyourthinkingsheliveslifeherway.
Hersourceofprideisspreadingjoywheevershegoes.

Its wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them. When it

matches what theyappreciate or love about themselves, the effect is
overpowering.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTSEVEN

HowtoDirectDialTheirHearts
Hundreds of people have formed impressions of you through that

littledeviceonyourdesk,yourbedtable,yourkitchenwall.Andtheyve
neveractuallymetyou.Theyveneverseenyoursmiles,feltyourfrowns.
Theyvenevergraspedyourhandorenjoyedyourhugs.Theyveneverread
yourbodylanguageorseenhowyoudress.Everythingtheyknowabout
youcamethroughtinyfilments,sometimesfromhundredsofmilesaway.
Buttheyfeeltheyknowyoujustfromthesoundofyourvoice.Thatshow
powefulthetelephoneis.

Powerful, yes, but not always accurate. For years I dealt with my

travel agent only byphone.Rani,myfacelessagentwhomIdnevermet
inperson,gotmerock-bottompricesonairfares,cars,andhotels.Buther
snippyphonepersonalityreallytickedmeoff.Adozen timesIvowedto
findanotheragent.

OneMondaymorningseveralyearsago,Ireceivedbadnewsandhad

tobookanimmediateflighthomeforafamilyemergency.Ihadnotime
towaitinlineattheairport,soIjumpedinacabandaskedthedriverto
waitinfrontofthetravelagencywhileIgrabbedticketsandaboarding
pass.

Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Ranis agency for the first time. Seeing

my frenzied rush,the woman sitting at the front desk sypathetically
jumpedup.Shegavemeareassuringsmileandasked

229
how she could help me. As I blithered on about my need for an

emergency ticket, shesmiled, nodded, and lunged immediately into
action.Whataterrificlady!Ithoughtassheprintedoutthetickets.

Momentslater,dartingoutgratefullygraspingtheticketsinmyfist,I

calledoutovermyshoulder,Bytheway,whatsyourname?

Leil, Im Rani, she said. I whirled around and saw a thooughly

congenialwomanwithabigsmileonherfacewavingtowishmeasafe
trip. I was dumbfounded! Why had Ipreviously thought she was so

snippy?Raniwas,well,sonice.

Sittingbackinthecabonthewaytotheairport,Ifigureditallout.

Ranisfriendlinessher warm smile, her nods, her good eye contact, her
body language, her Im herefor you attitude were all silent signals that
didnt travel through wires. I closed my eyesand tried to remember the
voice I had heard moments ago. Yes, it was Ranis same crisp, curt
pronunciation. But her friendly body language made her seem like a
differentpersonfromthebrusqueagentIddealtwithonthephone.Ranis
phone persoality and herdemeanor in person were completely different
shows.

I realized its the same with all of us. Your personality, mine, and

everyonescouldbelikenedtoashow,atheatricalperfomance.Youwant
to make sure yours is a box-officesmash, not a flop. The following ten
techniqueswillgetyourphonepersonaityravereviews.

HowtoSoundMoreExcitingonthePhone
Ihaveafriend,Tina,whodesignedcostumesforanoff-ofBroadway

showthatbecameasmashhitafewyearsago.Thetinyshowwassucha
critical success, it won the heart ofan angel a backerand it went to
Broadway.Theretheshowlaidabigfategg.

WhenIreadthebadnews,IcalledTina.Tina,whydidtheshowget

such bad reviews onBroadway? Tina told me that, sadly, the director
didntinsisttheactorsandactresseschangetheirpeformancestoadaptto
the new surroundings. The actors undestatedmovements, which moved
small audiences alternately to laughter and tears, were lost in thebig
Broadway house. Audiences couldnt see their subtle gestures and
poignant facialexpressions. Tina told me the performers neglected to
maketheirmovementsmuchbiggertofitthenewmedium.

Thatexcellentadviceisnotjustforactors.Wheneveryouaretalking,

youmustconsideryourmedium.Ifyourfacewereonabigmoviescreen,
youmightgetyourmessageacrosswithawinkoraneyebrowraise.On
radio, however, that would be meaninless. Becauselisteners couldnt see
yourwink,youdhavetosaysomethinglikeHi,Cutie.Becauselisteners
couldntseeyourraisedeyebrows,youdhavetosay,Wow,Imsurprised!

231

Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than half

your personality. Whenpeople dont see you, they can get an entirely
wrongimpressionasIdidwithRani.Togetyourpersoalityacrossonthe
phone,youmusttranslateyouremotionsintosound.Infact,youhaveto
exaggeratethesoundbecausestudieshaveshownpeoplelose30percent
oftheenergylevelintheirvoicesonthephone.

Say you meet an important new contact tomorrow. When youre

introduced, you shake her hand,you fully face her. You make good,
strongeyecontactandletasinceresmilefloodoveryourface.Youeven
nodandsmile,listeningintentlyasshespeaks.Shelikesyoualot.

ButhowgoodanimpressioncouldyoumakeonthatVIPifbothyou

andshewereblindfoldedandthetwoofyouhadyourhandstiedbehind
yourbacks?Thatsthehandicapyousufferonthephone.

Ifshecouldntseeyou,youdhavetosubstitutewordstoletherknow

youre agreeing orlistening.Youd have to somehow vebalize that youre
smilingandusehernamemoretoreplacetheeyecontact.Youdbeusing
thetechniqueIcallTalkingGestures.

To make up for your missing eye contact, punctuate your phone

conversations with Uh huh orI hear you. So your litener knows youre
nodding in approval, verbalize I see, Oh thatsgreat, No kidding,
Interesting,andTellmemore!

She didnt see you hitting your head in surprise? Better say What a

surprise!orYoudontsay!

He just said something impressive and he cant see your look of

admiration? Try That waswise of you orYoure no dummy! Of course,
youneedabigverbalsmileinyourrepertoire.TryOh,wow,thatsfunny!
Obviouslyyouregoingtochoosephrasesthatmatchyourpersonalityand
thesituation.Justmakesureyour

phonelistenershearyouremotions.
HowtoSoundMoreExcitingonthePhone233
Technique#60
TalkingGestures
Thinkofyourselfasthestarofapersonalradiodramaeverytimeyou

pickupthephone.Ifyouwanttocomeacrossasengagingasyouare,you

must turn your smiles into sound,your nods into noise, and all your
gestures into something your listener can hear. You must replace your
gestureswithtalk.Thenpunchupthewholeact30percent!

HowtoSoundClose(EvenifYoureHundredsofMilesAway)
Whenyourenotsittingacrossfromeachotherrestingyourelbowson

the same desk, yourforksonthesametable,oryourheadsonthesame
pillow,youneedasubstituteforintimacy.Howcanyoucreatecloseness
whenthetwoofyouarehundredsofmilesapart?Howcanyoumakethe
personyouretalkingtoonthephonefeelspecialwhenyoucantpattheir
backorgivethemalittlehug?

Theanswerissimple.Justuseyourcallersnamefarmoreoftenthan

you would in person.In fact, shower your converstions with his or her
name.Whenyourlistenerhearsit,itslikereceivingaverbalcaress:

Thanks,Sam.Letsdoit,Betty.Hey,Demetri,whynot?Itsreallybeen

goodtalkingtoyou,Kathi.

Sayingapersonsnametooofteninface-to-faceconversationsounds

manipulative. However,on the phone the effect is drmatically different.
If you heard someone say your name,even if you were being jostled
aroundinabignoisycrowd,youdperkup

234
HowtoSoundClose(EvenifYoureHundredsofMilesAway)235
and listen. Likewise, when your phone partner hears his or her own

name coming through thereceiver, it commands attention and rcreates
thefamiliaritythephonerobsfromyou.

If your listener is drifting, it brings him right back. If shes opening

mail,shestops.Ifhespickinghisteeth,hepullsthepickout.Whenyou
saysomeonesnameonthephone,itslikeyaningthepersonintotheroom
withyou.

Technique#61
NameShower
Peopleperkupwhentheyheartheirownname.Useitmoreoftenon

the phone than youwouldinpersontokeeptheirattention.Yourcallers
namere-createstheeyecontact,thecaress,youmightgiveinperson.

Saying someones name repeatedly when face-to-face sounds

pandering. But because there isphysical distance between you on the
phonesometimes youre a contnent apartyou can sprayyour conversation
withit.

HowtoMakeEmHappyTheyCalledYou
Brr-ing! No matter whether you hear the ring in the boardroom, the

bedroom, or thebathroom, self-styled telephone experts tell you, Smile
beforeanswering.Someprosevensuggestyouperchamirrorrightnext
toyourphonetomonitoryourgrin.

Beenthere,donethat,doesntwork.Oneevening,inthemidleofmy

weekly mud-packfacial,thephonerang.Thehorrorofseeingmyselfin
the phone mirror made my voice ashideous as my face. I immediately
trashedtheprosadvicealongwiththemiror.Whowantstosoundlikea
dizzyPollyanna?Ano-brainCheshirecat?Alonelyreclusewhose lifeis
sodullthatthebigthrillofthedayisaphonecall?Anyphonecall?From
anybody!

Big winners dont smile before answering. They put a smile in their

voices after they hearwho is on the line. Thats when it counts.Answer
the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of
yourcompany.Thenwhenyouhearwhoisontheline,thelittletrickisto
letabigsmilefloodoveryourface.

Oh Joe, [smile] how nice to hear from you! Sally, [smile] how are

you?Bill,[smile]Iwashopingitwouldbeyou.

My friend Steve lives in Washington, D.C., and heads a major trade

association thatlobbies on Capitol Hill. Whenever I call Steve, I never
knowwhichofhisdozensofassistantsisgoingto

236
HowtoMakeEmHappyTheyCalledYou237
answer. Nevertheless, whoever answers gives me the same warm

response.

First he or she says, Cable Telecommunications Association, the

individualsname,andHowmayIdirectyourcall?Nofakefriendliness.
Noprefabsmilesinthevoice.Iamsuretheassistantisnotbeamingback
athiorherselfinanymirror.

WhenIsayIsMr.Effrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowndescaling,thats

when theemployee becomes superfriendly. Oh yes, Ms. Lowndes, he or
shepurrs.Definitely!Letmeputyourightthrough.

Wow, does that make me feel special! As Im waiting for Steve to

cometothephone,Ifantasizehimsittingattheheadofalongmahogany
tableinhisweeklystaffmeeting.Icanjusthearhiminstructinghisstaff,
Now if the president or some higher-ups in theWhite House call, put
them right through. Oh, and of course, if that important woman Leil
Lowndescalls,putherrightthrough,too.

While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve. I took

the opportunity totell him what a pleasure it was to call his office and
how I appreciated his staff s warmphone reception. I thanked him for
familiarizingeachwithmynameandmetioningImightbecallingfrom
time to time. Steve looked across the table at me and blinked. Leil,he
said,youteachtelephoneskills.Haventyoucaughton?

Huh?
ForgivemeifImburstingabubble,Stevesaid,buteveronegetsthat

reception,nomatterwhoscalling.

Oh!
WhenaPainintheNeckCalls
But Steve, I protested when Id recuperated from the initial

diappointmentthatIwasavictimofatechniqueandnotaVIP,

what if the caller is unknown, a complete stranger? Surely your

staffersshouldntfaketheyknowthecaller.

Of course not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show energy and

enthusiasmoverthereasontheyrecalling.Forexaple,supposethecaller
isacableoperatorwantingtojoinourassciation.Thecallerwouldgeta
smileandasincere,Ohyes,Mr.Smith,Illputyourightthrough.

Yeah,butsupposethecallerissellingofficefurniture?Ichallenged.
Doesnt matter, Steve said. The salesperson gets the same reception

after the staffer hearswhy hes calling. If my staffer says warmly, Oh,
officefurniture!thecallerfeelsgood.AndIfindthesalespersonisalot
easiertodealwithlater.

I told him, OK, Steve, starting tomorrow morning, Im going to put

thatOhwow,Imsohappyyoucalledforthatreasonatttudeinmyvoice.

Thenextmorning,thefirstcallwasmydentistsoffice.Ms.Lowndes,

thiscallistoremindyouyoureoverdueforyoursimonthcheckup.

Oh, of course, youre so right, I cooed. Im so glad you called. The

receptionist soundedsurprised but very pleased at my reaction. I cant
book an appointment right now, Icontinued, but Ill call you as soon as
my schedule frees up. She didnt hasle me withher usual Well, when do
you expect that to be? She just hung up satisfied. (And I got whatI
wantednocallfrommydentistsofficeforatleastanothersixmonths.)

The second time the phone rang, it was a man who had ordered my

tapesetcallingtocomplainthatoneofthetapesbroke.Ohmygoodness,
Imsogladyoutoldmeaboutthat,Isaidwiththeenthusiasmofhaving
wonthelottery.Thecallersoundedalittleshockedbutobviouslypleased
at my reaction. Of course, Ill get another set out to you and I hopeyou
acceptmyapologies.Callerhungupsatisfied.(AndIgotwhatIwanted

HowtoMakeEmHappyTheyCalledYou239
his good will and word of mouth in spite of my tape duplicators

blooper.)

The third call was tougher. This was from a vendor I had copletely

forgotten to pay. Oh, Im so glad you reminded me of that bill, I lied.
Again,shockedpleasurewasthecallersreaction.(Iwasprobablythefirst
creditor in history who ever sounded happyshed called.) In the back of
mymindIfelttherewasonebillIhadoverlooked.Imwritingthecheck
aswespeak.

ThenIgotmyreward.Thedunnersaid,Bytheway,dontworryabout

the 2 percent permonth late-payment charge. As long as we get your
checkbytheendoftheweek,itwillbeOK.Shehunguphappy.(AndI
gotapresentnofinancechargesinspiteofmyoversight.)

Andsoitwentthroughouttherestoftheday,therestoftheweek,and

ever since. Tryit.Youll find you get a lot more from anone when you
smile,afteryoufindoutwhoitisorwhytheyrecaling.UsetheOhWow,
ItsYou!techniqueonalmosteverycall.

Technique#62
OhWow,ItsYou!
Dont answer the phone with an Im just sooo happy all the time

attitude.Answerwarmly,crisply,andprofessionally.Then,afteryouhear
whoiscalling,letahugesmileofhappinessengulfyourentirefaceand
spilloverintoyourvoice.Youmakeyourcaller feelasthoughyourgiant
warmfuzzysmileisreservedforhimorher.

HowtoSneakPasttheGatekeeper
No,No,Aaaaaagh,notTheScreen!PictureatorturedevicecalledThe

Screen. The madscientist, laughing maniacally, forces the victim into a
giant meat grinder that masheshim through a heavy-metal screen. It
slices his body into a million moecules before hesreconstituted on the
other side. Being screened when you call someones office is the
emotionalversionofthatordeal.

You place your cold call. May I speak to Mr. Jones? you pleasantly

ask.

Whoscalling?ahaughtyvoiceresponds.Ofcourse,yournameisnot

prestigious enough forthe screener to grant you the exalted status of
speakingtoJones.

Her ruthless interrogation continues, And what company are you

with? You submit your companys name, praying it will score with her.
And then to top it off, she has the pluckto ask, And whats this in
referenceto?Aaaaaagh!

SeveralweeksaftermyluncheonwithSteve,Ihadtheoccsiontocall

himagain.IsSteveEffrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowdescalling.

240
HowtoSneakPasttheGatekeeper241
Ohyes,Ms.Lowndes,definitely.Letmeputyourightthrough.Istart

humminghappilyasIwaitforStevetocometotheline.

Amomentlaterhisassistantcamebackandsaidsympathetcally,Im

so sorry, Ms.Lowndes. Steve just stepped out to lunch. I know hell be
sorryhemissedyourcall.Meanwhile,Imstillsmiling.DoIsuspectthat
Stevedidntjuststepouttolunch?DoIsuspecthessittingrightthere?Do
I ever, in my wildest parnoid dreams, think hedoesnt have the time or
inclinationtotalktome?DoIfeelscreened?Noway!Imashappyas a
carefree kiten as I leave my number for a callback. You see, I have
probablyfallenforTheSneakyScreen.

Technique#63
TheSneakyScreen
If you must screen your calls, instruct your staff to first say

cheerfully,Ohyes,Illputyourightthrough.MayItellherwhoscalling?
Ifthepartyhasalreadyidentifiedhimself,itsOhofcourse,Mr.Whoozit.
Illputyourightthrough.

When the secretary comes back with the bad news that Mr. or Ms.

Bigwig is unavailable,callers dont take it personally and never feel
screened.Theyfallforiteverytime,justlikeIdid.

HowtoGetWhatYouWantonthePhonefromBigShots
Iknowasecretaboutabigcatwhoownsaninternationalhotelchain

with properties insix countries. He hires and fires thosands, awards or
pulls immense contracts, borrowsfrom major financial institutions, and
makes lavish contributions to charities. Mr. BigCat (well call him Ed)
hasarespectedandimmediatelyrecognizablenameinhisindustry.And
heresthesecret:Mrs.BigCatistherealbrainsbehindtheoperation.

IbecamefriendswithMrs.BigCat(wellcallherSylvia)whenIdid

some consulting forher husbands organization. Sylvia invited me to tea
oneafternoon.Shesweetlyapologizedthatthiswasmaidsdayoffsowed
have to fend for ourselves.As we hapily perchedourselves on the patio
and were about to dive into our tea and crumpets, the phone rang.She
excusedherselftoanswerit.

I heard Mrs. Big Cat say, No, Im sorry, hes not in. Shall I tell him

whocalled?...No,Idontknowwhenheisplanningonreturning,butif
yougivemeyournameand...No,IsaidIdontknowwhattimehellbe
back...Yes,Illtellhimyoucalled.

AsSylviareturnedtothepatio,Icouldshewasannoyedbythecall.

Always on thelookout for a good phone story, I ventured a questioning
look.

242
HowtoGetWhatYouWantonthePhonefromBigShots243
Pickinguponmycuriosity,shesaid,Thatfoolthinkshesgoingtoget

a contributionfrom Ed. Ha! she laughed wryly. Her candor emboldened
metoaskhermore.Itturnsoutthecaller,aMr.Creighton,wasafund-

raiserforamajorcharityEdwascosideringcontributingto.Myhostess
saidCreightonhadcalledtwiceinthepasttwoweekswhenEdwas out.
And not once did he greet me, ask how I was, or apologize for the
disturbance.ThisdidnotpleaseMrs.BigCat.

WasitamajorirritationforMrs.BigCat?No,onlyminor.Butdidit

mean a major lossfor the little cat who called? It sure did. In Ed and
SylviaBigCatshousehold,subtletiescount.Atthedinnertable,Mrs.Big
Cat could say to her husband,A very nice man named Creighton called
for you today, dear. Or she might say, A rather irritating chap named
Creighton called for you today. One comment or the other could mean
millions won orlost by Creightons charity. And all because little cat
CreightonmildlyruffledMrs.BigCatswhiskers.

Homeadvice:SalutetheSpouse.Officeadvice:SalutetheSecretary.
A surprising number of Big Cat spousesand secretaries have deep

clawsintoimportantbusinessdecisions.Whenitcomes

Technique#64
SalutetheSpouse
Wheneveryouarecallingsomeoneshome,alwaysidentifyandgreet

the person who answers.Whenever you call someones office more than
once or twice, make friends with thesecretary. Anybody who is close
enoughtoanswerthephoneiscloseenoughtoswaytheVIPsopinionof
you.

hiring time, firing time, promoting time, or buying time, many

spouses have a say. When itcomes to whose calls get through, whose
proposals get put on the top of the bosss desk,who gets luncheon
appointmentsmade,secretariesopinionscount!

Only foolish callers dont realize all spouses and secretaries have

names.Allspousesandsecretarieshavelives.Allspousesandsecretaries
have feelings. All spouses andsecretaries have influence. Deal
accordingly.

HowtoGetWhatYouWantbyTiming!
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, he and his

comradeshadnouseforsuchtritephrasesasHi,howyadoin?Belland
his boys never just started spouting theirideas into their listeners ears.

The first words out of their mouths in those times wereCan you talk?
Bellandhisbuddieswere,ofcourse,referingtotechnicalcapabilities.

Little did they know, more than a hundred years later, big winners

woulduseaformofthatsamegreeting.Today,ofcourse,Canyoutalk?
means Is it convenient to talk? Beforelauncing into conversation, they
alwaysaskIsthisagoodtimetochat?DidIcatchyouatagoodtime?Do
youhaveaminutetodicussthewidgetaccount?

AllfolkshaveaBigBenintheirbrainthatdetermineshowreceptive

they are going to beto you and your ideas. When you mess with their
internalcuckooclock,theywontlistentoyou.Nomatterhowinteresting
yourinformation,orhowpleasantyourcall,badtimingmeansbadresults
foryou.

Its not your fault. Whenever you call someone at home, you never

know whether she wassleeping or whether theres a fire raing in the
kitchenstove.Wheneveryoucallsomeoneatwork,you

245
never know whether hes got two hours to get a report in or whether

thebigbossisnot-so-patientlysittingonhisdesk.

Whenever you place a call, alwaysnot occasionally, not

frquentlyalways ask about yourtiming. Make it a habit. Make it a rule.
Makeitaself-punishablecrimeifthefirstwordsoutofyourmouthdont
concerntheconvenienceofyourtiming:

Hi, Joe, is this a good time to talk? Hello, Susan. Have you got a

minute? Hi, Carl, did Icatch you good or did I catch you bad? Sam, do
youhaveasecondformetotellyouaboutwhat

happened at the game last Saturday? There are many ways to say it,

butitallboilsdowntoIsthis

a good time to talk? My friend Barry, a broadcaster, accomplishes

moreinaday

than most people do in a week. He came up with a clever

coversational device thatensures hell never shatter anyones emtional
sundial. He calls it What Color Is Your Time? Barry introduces the
devicebytellingpeoplehescallinghehasgreatrespectfortheirtime.He
thenaskspermissiontostarthisfutureconversationswithaquestionthat

assureshellneverdisturbthemataninopportunemoment.Barrysayshes
going to ask whatcolortheirtimeis.Theyshouldhonestlyanswer,red,
yellow,orgreen.

RedmeansImreallyrushed.
YellowmeansImbusybutwhatsonyourmind?Ifitsquick,wecan

dealwithit.

GreenmeansSure,Ivegottime.Letstalk.
Red,likethestoplightatthecorner,meansstop.Yellowmeanshurry

up, time is short orstop and wait for the next green light. Green means
go.

Busypeoplepickupquicklyonhisartfuldeviceandenjoythegame.

Mostespecially,theyenjoyBarryssensitivityandrespectfortheirtime.
Infact,hesays,mostofhiscallersplaythesame

HowtoGetWhatYouWantbyTiming!247
sensitivegamewhentheycallhim.HiBarry,whatcolorisyourtime?

Areyougreen?

Salesfolks,WaitfortheGreenLight
Anotehereforsalespeople.Ifyouaskaprospectifheorshehastime

to talk and theanswer is Not really, but tell me whats on your mind,
DONT!Donotmakeyoursalespitchwhileheorsheisred.Donottalk
whenheorsheisyellow.Waituntilgreen,very green.(Ifyoueverwant
toseeanygreencomingfromyourprospect,thatis.)

Technique#65
WhatColorIsYourTime?
Nomatterhowurgentyouthinkyourcall,alwaysbeginbyaskingthe

personabouttiming.EitherusetheWhatColorIsYourTime?deviceor
simplyask,Isthisaconvenienttimeforyoutotalk?Whenyouaskabout
timingfirst,youllneversmashyourfootprintsrightinthemiddleofyour
telephonepartnerssandsoftime.YoullnevergetaNo!justbecause your
timingwasntright.

HowtoImpressEveryonewithYourOutgoingVoicemailMessage
Youcantellalotaboutpeoplejustfromtheoutgoingmessagesthey

leave on their voicemail. Hello, his machine answers. Im not in right
now.Butyouprobablydontwanttotalktomeanway.Beep.Wouldyou

suspectthisfellowhasaninferioritycomplex?

Hello,hermachineanswers.Thesoundyouhearisthebarkingofour

killer Dobermanpinscher, Wolf. Please leave a mesage after the tone.
Beep.Wouldyoususpectthis womanisworiedaboutbreak-ins?Mostof
us dont record our personal foibles soconspicuously for the world to
hear.Nevertheless,peoplecanhearalotbetweenthelinesofwhatwesay
onourvoicemail.

LastmonthIneededagraphicartisttodosomeworkforoneofmy

extremely conservativeclients. I phoned Mark, an artist whose work I
hadseenandlikedalot.Hisansweringmachineblastedear-splittingrock
music through the receiver. Then his voice boomed overthe electric
guitar, Hey there, dude, dont be crude. Jes croon me an earful of
sweeeeeeetsounds right at that lone tone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beep. I
bangedthereceiverquickly

248
How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message

249

back into the cradle to shut out horrible fantasies of how my client

would react if he hadto call Mark. His thirty-second talent show might
have been an appropriate sample of arock musicians taent. But a
businessperson should opt for a more sedate outgoingmessage. The
messageyouleaveonyouransweringmachinereflectsyourwork.Keep
yoursfriendly,neutral,andup-to-date.

Andheresthesecret:togivetheimpressionyouarereallyontopof

your business,changeyourmessageeveryday.Studiesshowthatcallers
perceive people to be brighterand more efficient when they hear an
updated message each time they call. If appropriate,let callers know
where you are and when you intend to be back. If you have customers
whoneedtobeattendedto,thisiscrucial.

Try something like this on your office phone: This is (name). Its

Thursday, May 7, and Illbe in a sales meeting until late this afternoon.
Please leave your message and Ill getback to you as soon as I return.
Thatway,ifyoudontcallaclientbackuntil4p.m.heisntsteaming.

Also,keepitshort.Somepeoplechangetheirmessageeveryday,but

its too long. I had acolleague, a public speaker named Dan, who in his
finest mellifluous voice imposed histhought for the day on all
unsuspectingcallers.

Last year I was working on a project with Dan and had to call him

three times in the sameday to leave a progress report. Each time his
machineanswered:Hello,thisisDan,andheresmydailymotivator.He
cleared his throat for his big recorded peformance andthen continued.
Did someone say something today that offended you? So what! Thats
theirproblem. He paused drmatically. Did someone look at you the
wrong way? So what! Thatstheir problem. Again, a pause for the
magnitude of that sentiment to sink in. Replace yourpetty thoughts of
anger,exaperation,andspitewiththoughtsofstrength.Calmdown.Rise
abovethoselittleinsignificantirritationsinlife.Focusyourthoughtsin
thedirectionoffulfillmentandaccomplishment.Once

again,thisisDan.Imsurprisedhedidntalsoleavehisagentsphone

numberhere.Leaveyourmessageatthetone.Andhaveagreatpeaceful
day.Beep.

The first time I listened to Dans inspirational message, the length

mildly irritated me.The second time, I found myself hypeventilating
whilewaitingforhimtogetthroughhisunbearablylongmessage.Bythe
thirdcall,hisschmaltzymessageseemedinterminable.Iwasfilledwith
those petty thoughts of anger, exaperation, and spite he warnedagainst
because of his darn mesage. I found it impossible to rise above it and
focus mythoughtsinthedirectionoffulfillmentandaccomplishment.I
wantedtopunchhiminthenose.Outgoingmessagesarenotthevenues
to give inspirational messages or to impressthe world with ones
accomplishments.

Anotherfriendofmine,awriter,earnedherselfafewlittlecatstripes

withthisoneonhermachine:

Hello,thisisCherylSmith.Cherylisonhernationalbooktour,(she

paused so allcallers could be appropriately impressed) making
appearances in twelve cities. (Anotherpause as though awaiting
applause.) Shell be returning on October 7. (Whats this she bit?Cheryl
herselfisspeaking.)Pleaseleaveyourmesageforheratthetone.Beep.

Yes,Cheryl,weknowyoureanimportantauthor.Butyourthird-party

reference to self,your narcissistic tone of voice, and topping it off with
twelvecitieswouldmakeanybigcatsnickerthroughhiswhiskers.

One last codicil:Avoid one particular message many busnesspeople

use these daysImeither away from my desk or on the other line. The
subtext of this message is Im a slavechained to my desk and it is an
amazing fact that I have escaped for the moment. One nightI was
workingintotheweehours.At4a.m.Idecidedtoleaveamessageona
colleaguesbusinessphonesoshedgetitassoonasshecameinatnine.
Hello,themessage

How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message

251

chirped.ThisisFelicia.Imeitherawayfrommydeskorontheother

line right now, butleave your message at the tone. Beep. Felicia, of
course youre away from your deskits 4a.m. on Suday morning! On the
otherline?Atthishour?Ihopenot!

You never know how your message is going to affect somone. Just

keepyoursneutral,friendly,constantlychanging,short,andunderstated.
Noboasts,nobells,nowhistles.

Technique#66
ConstantlyChangingOutgoingMessage
If you want to be perceived as conscientious and reliable, leave a

short, professional,and friendly greeting as your outgoing message. No
music.Nojokes.Noinspirationalmessages.Noboasts,bells,orwhistles.
And heres the secret: change it every day.Your message doesnt have to
be flawless. A little cough or stammer gives a lovely unpretentious
realitytoyourmessage.

HowtoGetThemtoCallYouBack
Producers of big Broadway musicals can be brutal during audtions.

An anxious wanna-bestar, after rehearsing his audition song for weeks,
stepsonstage.Heopenshismouthtosing.Afterafewnotes,theheartless
producershouts,Thankyou.NEEEXXXT!Dreamsofstardomdashedin
tenseconds!

Businesspeoples professional dreams can also be dashed in the first

tensecondsoftheiraudition.Theirauditionisthemessagetheyleaveon
someoneelsesansweringmachine.

Competent businesspeople wouldnt dream of sending a messy

handwritten business letter to aVIP on cheap yellow-stained paper and
expect a response. They know the recipient wouldtoss it in the trash.
Nevertheless,someofthesesamefolkswillleavealaclustermessageon
aVIPsvoicemailandexpectacallback.Nooneevertoldthemthatbig
wi nner sscrutinize messages on their voice mail with the same
considerationofabigBroadwayproducer.Ifyousoundgood,youvegota
chance.Ifyoudont,youarefasforwardedoutoftheirlife.

Salespeople, suitors, candidates, and competitors who leave crisp,

intelligent, upbeatmessages on voice mail get called back. Losers with
lackluster tones and uncraftedmessages never hear from Mr. or Ms.
MakeItHappen.Makesureyourmessage

252
HowtoGetThemtoCallYouBack253
reflects three Cs: Confidence, Clarity, and Credibility. In addition,

make it entice,entertain, or interest the listener.A flat This is Joe, call
mebackdoesntscorewithbigwinners.

StayTunedFor...
Radio DJs use tricks to keep their listeners tuned in. Top salepeople

have similarlittletrickstoenticeprospectstocallthemback.Heresone
calledacliff-hanger.To makesurelistenerswontswitchstationsduring
the radio commercial, the broadcasterthrows out a mini-mystery: And
right after the commercial well be back with the winningticket . . . It
couldbeyours...Staytuned!Wheneveryouleaveavoicemailmessage
foranyone,trytoincludeacliff-hanger:Hi,Harry,thisisAndrew.Ihave
the answer tothatquestionyouaskedmelastweek.OrHiDiane,thisis
Betsy. I have some big newsabout that project we were dicussing. Now
HarryandDianehaveareasontocallAndrewandBetsyback.

Pitchpersonalityintoyourmessage,too.Picturethepeoplelistening

to it. Saysomething to pique their curiosity or make them smile. The
messageyouleaveisyourten-secondaudition.Makeitgood.

Technique#67

YourTen-SecondAudition
While dialing, clear your throat. If an answering machine picks up,

pretend the beep is abig Broadway producer saying Nexxxt. Now youre
on.ThisisYourTen-SecondAuditionto proveyouareworthyofaquick
callback.

Incidentally,ifsomeonesvoicemailunexpectedlycomesonandyou

areunprepared,quicklyhangup(beforethebeepsotheydontgetahang-
up message.) Take a moment to craft yourentetaining, enticing, or
interesting message. Rehearse it once with confidence,clarity, and
charisma.Thenredialtoleaveyourgreathotmessage.

A funny thing happens. If your party answers this time, youll be

disappointed.

HowtoMaketheGatekeeperThinkYoureBuddy-BuddywiththeVIP
Theinspirationforthisnexttelephonetechniquecomesfrompesonal

experiences withmid-Manhattantoilets(aless-than-refinedorigin,tobe
sure).NewYorkCity,inspiteof allitsreputedsophitication,lagssome
oftheshabbiestEuropeancitiesinonerespect.Manhattanhasfewpublic
toilets. And none of those Europeastyle, charming,and at times very
muchappreciated,freestandingstructuresonstreetcorners.

InthedayswhenImadesalescallsaroundthebusycityofNewYork,

thispresentedaproblem.Severaltimesaday.Ioftenfoundmyselfatthe
mercy of coffee-shop cashierswho jealously guarded their restroom
facilities. Some shops even put menacingly scribbledsigns in the
window,Bathroomsareforcustomersonly.

I often found that if I played it straightgoing up to the cashier and

asking if I coulduse the amenitiesId get shot down. So I used the
following technique. Without casting aglance at the cashier, Id strut
confidently into the coffee shop. Id march right past thebathroom
bouncerandkeepmygazefixedononeofthebooths.ShedassumeIwas
comingforlunchorhadsimply

255
returned to collect my forgotten gloves. Once past the gatekeeper of

the loo, Id wait forher to be busy ringing up the next check. Then, like
greasedlightning,Idsprintintothejohn.

IdubbedthisdeceptionTheHo-HumCaperaftermyfeignedattitude

ofHohum,businessasusual.Icomehereeverydaywithnothingonmy
mindbutlunch.

Let us now translate that sneaky subterfuge into a seldofail phone

technique. You can use the maneuver to sneak around secretaries and
dodge their heartless screening. Insteadof plaing it straight and asking
foryourpartybyname,justsayIshein?orIsshein?Usingthepronoun
isverballysprintingpastthesecretarywithabusinessasusual,Hohum,I
calleverydayattitude.

Technique#68
TheHo-HumCaper
Insteadofusingyourpartysname,casuallyletthepronounheorshe

rolloffyourtongue.ForgetUh,mayIspeaktoMs.Bigshotplease?Just
announce, Hi, Bob Smith here,is she in? Tossing the familiar she off
yourtonguesignalstothesecretarythatyouandherbossareoldbuddies.

HowtoMakeThemSayYouHaveSuperSensitivity
Wheneveryoureonthephonewithsomeone,youhearalotmorethan

their voices. In thebackground you might hear dogs baring, babies
crying,oracracklingsound.Forallyouknow,thedoghashistailcaught
intherefrigerator,thebabyhastobefed,orthehouseisonfire.When
you acknowledge the sound by asing if they have to take care ofit, you
warmtheheartsofyourlisteners.

When you are talking to someone at work, you often hear another

phone ringing. Sayimmediately, I hear your other line. Do you have to
answer it? Even if not, he or she willappreciate the gesture. If he does
have to catch the other call, you can be sure he heardnothing you said
after the first ring. Hes only thinking How can I interrupt this babbling
personwithoutbeingrudesoIcananswermyotherphone?Infactwith
every brr-ing,irrittion sets in that you are holding him hostage from
doingwhathehastodo.

Here is the technique guaranteed to save you from being in that

uncomfortableposition.

Thesubtext,ofcourse,isthatyouaresensitivetowhatsgoingonin

your callers world.If youre talking to someone far away or in another

country,anotherwaytoshowyouretopsinthecom257

municationsdepartmentistotranslatetimereferencesintotheirtime

zone.Whenyouleaveamessage,sayIcanbereachedbetweenthreeand
fiveyourtime.

Anddontforgetforeignholidays.LastJuly1,Iwasonthephonewith

a client fromAustralia. I was impressed when he wished me Happy
Independence Day weekend. So impressed,in fact, I ran out to find a
chartofinternationalholidays.ImadeanoteinmycalendarnextJanuary
26towishmyAussiefriendHappyAustraliaDay.

If you do business with people around the world, be sure to extend

good wishes to them fortheir holidays. Forget about your own if theyre
not shared. Im still mortified about thetime last November when I was
onaconferencecallwithaCanadianclientandsevenofhissalespeople.I
wishedthemallHappyThanksgiving.

Technique#69
IHearYourOtherLine
When you hear a phone in the background, stop speakingin

midsentence, if necessaryand sayI hear your other line, (or your dog
barking,yourbabycrying,yourspousecallingyou).Askwhethershehas
to attend to it. Whether she does or not, shell know youre a top
communicatorforasking.

HowtoListenBetweentheLinesonthePhone
ThefirsttimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thestorybewitchedme.The

secondtimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thespecialeffectsamazedme.The
thirdtimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thephotoraphydazzledme.Haveyou
ever seen a movie twice, three times? You notice subtleties and hear
soundsyoucompletelymissedthefirsttimearound.

Its the same on the phone. Hearing it is much better the seond time

around.Becauseyourbusinessconversationsaremoreconsequentialthan
movies,youshouldlistentothemtwo,maybethreetimes.Oftenwehave
noclearideaofwhatreallyhappenedinourphoneconversationuntilwe
hearitagain.Youllfindshaingsmoresignificantthanthecolor ofTotos
collarandmorescarecrowsthanyouimaginedwhohaventgotabrain!

How do you listen to your important business conversations again?

Simply legally andethically tape-record them. I call the technique of
recordingandanalyzingyourbusinessconversationsforsubtletiesInstant
Replay.

Having a tape recorder on her phone could have made a drmatic

difference in the careerof my friend Laura. Laura, a nutrtionist, had
developed an excellent health drink. Itdeserved to be marketed
nationally.

259
IwasinLaurasofficeonedaydiscussingherplansandIsaid,Laura,

Ivegotjustthecontactforyou.Severalmonthsearlier,IhadmetFred,a
manwhoownedachainofsupermarkets.Fredowedmeafavorbecause,
athisrequest,Idgivenaprobonotalkforasocialclubhebelongedto.
Fred was a big banana in the supermarket world, and with oneyes he
couldputmyfriendshealthdrinkinhisstores.ThatwouldlaunchLaura
nationally.

Iplacedthecalland,loandbehold,hewasin.And,anevenbiggerlo

andbehold,FredsoundedinterestedinLaurasbeverage.

Putheron,Fredsaid.
I proudly handed Laura the phone and their conversation started out

fine.Ohsure,Illsendyouasample,Laurasaid.Whatstheaddress?Then
IheardLaurasay,Uh,waitaminute,letmegetsomethingtowritewith.
(Irapidlyrolledapenandpushedapadinfrontofhernose.)Uh,whats
that again? Did you say 4201 or 4102? [I moan inaudibly.]And how do
youspellthenameofthestreet?[Mymoanbecomesaudible.]Whoops,
this penjustranoutofink.Leil,doyouseeanotherpenonmydesk?[I
did,andthistimeIfeltlikethrowingitather.]Sorry,whatsthatagain?

Yikes, now I wanted to grab the phone out of Lauras hands. She

shouldnt be bothering abusy big banana for details like repeating
addresses.Shecouldhavecalledhissecretarybacklaterforclarification.
But even that would have been unnecessary if she wererecording the
conversation with the Instant Replay technique. She could have merely
mentioned that she was flipping on the recorder (most heavy hitters are
comfortablewiththatconcept)andshewouldhavehaditontape.

FredwasnicetoLaurathatday.Butmyfriendneverheardbackfrom

him.And to this day, she wonders why. Shell never know the confused
phoneexchangenixedthedeal.

Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on the

phone? Absolutely not.Fred figures, If this woman is as insenHow to
ListenBetweentheLinesonthePhone261

sitive about my time at the beginning of a possible business

reltionship,whatsshegoingtobelikedownthepike?Wisechoice,Fred.
I still like Laura. Shes still myfriend. But will I introduce her to any
otherbigwinnerswhomighthelpher?Icanttakethechance.

HowtoSetUpYourInstantReplay
InstantReplayissimpleandcheap.Gotoyourlocalelectronicsstore

andaskforarecorderforyourtelephone.Slapitonyourphonereceiver,
andplugtheotherendintoacassetterecorder.Thenturntherecorderon
during your next important converstion.The device could earn you
hundredsofdollarsonyourfirstcall.Insomestatesthelawrequiresyou
informtheotherpartyyouarerecordingthem.Makesuretocheckwith
theauthorities about the legality in the state where you live. If its one-
partycosent,dontworry.Youretheoneparty.Obviouslyyoumustnever
ever use the tape for any otherpurpose than for your own second
listening.Notonlywouldthatbeunlawful,butitwouldbeuncoscionable.
For extra security, dont leave peoples taped converstions lyingaround.
Keepthesametapeinyourcassettemachineanduseitoverandoverto
recordimportantdetails.

With Instant Replay, you can catch balls your conversation partner

throws out on the firstbounce.Youre on the phone with your boss. He
ramblesofffourorfivenamesinalawfirmyouresupposedtowriteto,
thentheaddress,thenthenine-digitzipcode.Realizinghespitched you
some pretty fast balls, he asks, Shall I repeat that for you? No thanks, I
gotit,youproudlysay,silentlytappingyourlittletaperecorder.Bossis
impressed.

Yet another benefit of Instant Replayit helps hide your ignorance.

Recently I was on thephone with a cameraman negtiating a price on a
videotape to use as a speakers demo.Luckily I was recording the
conversationbecausehisflurryofHi-8,VHS,

SuperVHS,BetaSP,andthree-quarter-inchU-matichadmewanting

to crawl into a rodenthole in the wall. But I listened to the tape of our
conversationafterward.IwrotedownallthewordsIdidntunderstandand
then asked a video friend what they meant. Now I wasable to call the
cameramanbackandsay,Idlikeatwo-camerashootonBetaSP.Andcan
yougivemeaVHSdubsoIcandosomeoff-lineediting?Dontyouthink
IgotamuchbetterpricethanifIdasked,Duh,whatsaBetaSP?

ForgetWhatTheySaid,HearWhatTheyMeant
InstantReplayalsomakesyousensitivetolevelsofcommunictionfar

deeper than justyourcallerswords.Youtuneintotheirrealenthusiasm
orhesitationaboutanidea.

When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us. If we

desperately crave yesfrom someone, we hear yes. But yes isnt always
what it seems. A clients forceful YES and her hesitant yeee-sss are
different as heaven and hell. Last month I asked a woman whodbooked
meforaspeechifherofficecouldreproducemyten-pagehandout.She
gavemetheanswerIwanted,whichwasyes.Later,however,Irelistened
toourconversation

Technique#70
InstantReplay
Recordallyourbusinessconversationsandlistentothemagain.The

secondorthirdtime,youpickuponsignificantsubtletiesyoumissedthe
first time. Its like football fanswho often dont know if there was a
fumbleuntiltheyseeitalloveragaininInstantReplay.

HowtoListenBetweentheLinesonthePhone263
on tape. Her answer about the handouts had been a very hesitant,

Hmm,well,yes.Iimmediatelycalledherbackandsaid,Bytheway,dont
worryaboutthosehandouts.

Oh, Im so glad! she purred. Because we really dont have the budget

forthingslikethat.Igainedmuchmoreinmyclientsgoodwillthanthe
valueofreproducingafewsheetsofpaper.

Letusnowreturntoyourlive,in-personshow.Weregoingtotalknot

onlyabouthowtobeahitataparty,buthowtosmoothlyhitonallthe
folksyouwantjustlikeapolitician.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTEIGHT

HowtoWorkaPartyLikeaPoliticianWorksaRoom
ThePoliticiansSix-PointPartyChecklist
Wheninvitedtoaparty,mostofuswaftintoafluffythoughtprcess.

Ourrandomreveriegoessomethinglikethis:Hmm,thiscouldbefun....
Wonder if theyre going to serve food. . . . Hope its good. . . . Might be
someinterestingpeoplethere....Wo derifmyfriendsonsoiscoming.
...Golly,whatshouldIwear?

Thats not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While

politicians,heavy-dutynetworkers,serioussocializers,andbigwinnersin
thebusinessworldarestaringattheinvitation,theyinstinctivelysurftoa
different channel. Before theyRSVP with yes or no, their brains craft
journalisticcampaignquestions.ItstheSix-PointPartyChecklist.Who?
When?What?Why?Where?AndHow?

Letstakethemonebyone.
265
WhoIsGoingtoBeattheParty?
More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious

networkers calculate WhomustImeetforbusiness?WhoshouldImeet
forpoliticalorsocialreasons?And,ifsingleandsearcing,WhodoIwant
tomeetforpossiblelove?

If they dont know who is going to be in attendance, they ask.

Politiciansunabashedlytelephonethehostorhostessofthepartyandask,
Whos coming? As the party giver chatscasually about the guest list,
politicians scribble the names of the people who interestthem, then
resolvetomeeteach.

WhenShouldIArrive?
Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish geting

dressed. They dontask themselves, Hmm, should I be fasionably late?
They carefully calculate theirestimated time of arrival and estimated
timeofdeparture.

If the party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to start

hitting theirmarks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early to get
their business done before partyregulars who hate to be the first one
therestartarriving.Theyareneverembarrassedtoarriveearly.Afterall,
theonlypeoplewhoseethemareotherearlyarrivalswhoareoftenheavy
hitterslikethemselves.

Norwillyoufindpoliticiansprowlingaround,thelasttoslinkoutthe

door. Once theyveaccomplishedwhattheysetouttodo,theyreontheir
way to the next opportunity. Iftheir agenda is more social, they try to
leavetheirdeparturetimeopenandtheiraprŽs-partyschedulefree.That
way, if they make an important new contact, they can stayaround and
talkwithhim.Ordriveherhome.Orgosomewhereelseforcoffee.

HowtoWorkaPartyLikeaPoliticianWorksaRoom267
WhatShouldITakewithMe?
Apoliticianschecklistisnottheusual,Lets see, my comb, cologne,

and breath mints.They pack more functional networing tools in their
pocketsorpurses.

If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocetful of

businesscards.Ifitsagalawherepeoplearegaddingaboutonthesocial
ladderandtheywanttoexudeold-worldelegance,theygrabahandfulof
social cards containing only their name andpossibly an address and
phone number. (Some feel giving out a business card in a purelysocial
settingcanbegauche.)Themostvitaltoolintheirpartypackisasmall
padandpentokeeptrackofimportantcontacts.

WhyIsthePartyBeingGiven?
Thepoliticiansperpetualphilosophyofpenetratetheostensibleenters

here. (Thats justa fancy way of saying look under the rug.) They ask
themselves, What is the ostensiblereason for the party? A big
industrialistisgivinghisdaughteragraduationparty?A newly divorced
executiveisthrowinghimselfabirthdaybash?Aflounderingbusinessis
celebratingitstenthyear?

Nice,politicianssaytothemselves,thatstheostensible.Butwhatsthe

real reason forthe party? Maybe the industrialist wants to get his
daughter a good job so hes inviteddozens of potential employers. The
birthdayboyissingleagainsotheguestlistisheavywithattractiveand

accomplished females. The business deperately needs good PR if its
going to stay around another ten years. So theyve invited the press and
communitymakersandshakers.

Politicianshaveexpertunder-rugvisiontospotthehostsrealagenda.

They will, ofcourse, never discuss it at the party. However, the insight
elevates them to a shared state of higher cosciousness with otherheavy
hittersatthebash.

Theirknowledgealsomakesthemvaluableagentsforthepartygiver.

Asavvypoliticianintroducesthejob-seekingdaugtertosomeexecutives
atthepartyortellsthemostalluringwomenatthebashwhatagreatguy
birthday boy is. When chatting with reporters,he talks up the hosts
business that needs good PR. When people support the real why of the
party,theybecomepopularandsought-afterguestsforfutureevents.

WhereIstheCollectiveMind?
Often people from one profession or one interest group will coprise

most of the guestlist. A politician never accepts any invittion without
asking herself, What kind ofpeople will be at this party, and what will
theybethinkingabout?Perhapstherewillbeadroveofdoctors.Soshe
clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a littledoc-talk. If
theguestsareanestofnew-agevoters,thepoliticiangetsuptospeedon
telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians cant
affordtonotbeintheknow.

HowAmIGoingtoFollowUpontheParty?
Now, the big finale. I call it Contact Cement. Its cementing the

contacts the politicianhas made. After meeting a good contact and
exchangingcards,practicallyeveryonesays,Itsbeengreattalkingtoyou.
Wellstayintouch.

This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort.

Politicians, however, make ascience out of keeping up the cotact.After
the party, they sit at their desks and,likeagameofsoltaire,layoutthe
businesscardsofthepeopletheyvemet.Using

HowtoWorkaPartyLikeaPoliticianWorksaRoom269
The Business Card Dossier technique described later in this setion,

theydecidehow,when,andiftodealwitheach.Doesthispersonrequire

a phone call? Should that onereceiveahandwritennote?ShallIE-mail
orcalltheotherone?

Use the Six-Point Party Checklistthe Who? When? Why? Where?

What?andHow?ofapartyasyourgeneralgameplan.Nowletsgetdown
tospecifics.

HowtoAvoidtheMostCommonPartyBlooper
Theaveragepartygoer,letssayCharlie,arrivesatthebash.Hemakes

a beeline for therefreshmenttableformunchiesandabeerage.Hethen
findsafewbuddiesandstartschattingawaywiththem.

Chewing the nibbles on his plate and the fat with his friends, he

occasionally looksaroundtheroomtoseewhomightbenewandfunto
talk to. Hes hoping several attractiveand interesting people at the party
willspothimandcomeovertotalk.

WhatswrongwithCharliesapproach?Everything,ifChaliewantsto

make the partyproductive. Lets start with the aveage party goers first
mistakegettingsomerefreshmentsandadrinkrightoffthebat.

Peopleminglingatapartymakejudgments,oftensubcoscious,about

whomtheyaregoingtoapproach.Haveyoueverlivedonafarm?Orhad
adogoracat?Thenyouknowyouneverdisturbanimalswhentheyare
eating.Likewise,whenahumananimaliseating,otherhumananimalsdo
not feel comfortable advancing. If party goers eyes scan the crowd and
see youwith the feed bag on, they pass right over you. Subconsciously
theyresayingtothemselves,Letthehungryhoundchowdownand

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HowtoAvoidtheMostCommonPartyBlooper271
maybe well talk later. Later never comes because they wind up

makingfriendswithsomeoneelsewhosemouthwasntfull.

Politiciansalwayseatbeforetheycometotheparty.Theyknowtheyd

need a circusjugglers talent to shake hands, exchange business cards,
holdadrink,andstuffcrackersandcheeseintotheirmouthsallwithjust
twohands.

Technique#71
MunchingorMingling
Politicianswanttobeeyeballtoeyeballandbellytobellywiththeir

constituents.Likeanybigwinnerwellversedinthescienceofproxemics
and spatial relationships, theyknow any object except their belt buckle
has the effect of a brick wall between twopeople. Therefore they never
holdfoodordrinkataparty.

Cometomunchorcometomingle.Butdonotexpecttodoboth.Like

agoodpolitician,chowdownbeforeyoucome.

HowtoMakeanUnforgettableEntrance
LorettaYoungmakestelevisionhistorywhensheappearsatthehead

of her immensestaircase and surveys the set. Then she swoops down to
starttheshow.

ThePopestepsoutontohisbalconyoverlookingSt.PetersSquarein

Romeandsurveysthecrowd.Thenhebeginsthebenediction.

BetteDavisstopsinthedoorwayandlooksaround.Thenshemutters,

Whatadump!

And every late-night TV comic since Heeeeres Johnny! steps center

stageandscrutinizestheapplaudingaudience.Thenherevealsthereason
forthesmirkonhisface.

What do all these great entrances have in common? Each pauses

momentarilyandlooksaroundbeforeswoopingintodecsiveaction.

Movie directors love shots of THE DOORWAY where the camera

pans,themusicswells,andalleyesgravitatetothehochoorhonchoette
standing under the frame. Does the star skulkinto the room like a
frightenedlittlekitteninanewownershome?Or,likemanyofusdoata
party,franticallygravitatetothefirstfamiliarfacesopeoplewontthink
heorshesunconnected?No,

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HowtoMakeanUnforgettableEntrance273
the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable

presenceisfeltbyall.

People who have mastered this trick have what envious thatrical

wanna-bescallstagepresence.Stagegroupiesthinksomeluckystarsare
born with it. Think again, thespians.Its cultivated. Politicians dont just
slinkunnoticedintoaroomfulofpeople.

PoliticiansmakeTheEntrance.

Withonesimpletechnique,youtoocanmakegreatentrances.Icallit

RubbernecktheRoom.Beforeentering,stopdramaticallyinthedoorway
and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-ywith your eyes. It is significant that,
whileyourestandinginthedoorway,yourenotthinking,Lookatme.The
reasonyoureRubberneckingtheRoomisnottoshowoff.Itissoyoucan
diagnosethesituationyourewalkinginto.Takenote of the lighting, the
bar, andmost important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the
crowd, the clinking ofglasses. See who is talking to whom. While
rubbenecking, youll also be using Be theChooser, Not the Choosee, the
nexttechnique,whichhelpsyouselectyourfirst,second,andmaybethird
target. Now, like the big cat who rules the jungle, leap in to make your
firstmovetowardwipinguptheroom.

In tandem with Rubberneck the Room, try using the folloing

technique.

Technique#72
RubbernecktheRoom
When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway.

Thens-l-o-w-l-ysurveythesituation.Letyoureyestravelbackandforth
likeaSWATteamreadyinaheartbeattowipeoutanythingthatmoves.

HowtoMeetthePeopleYOUWanttoMeet
Politiciansdontwaitforotherstoapproachthem.Ifthepartyhostor

their campaignmanager has not supplied a must meet list, they choose
theirtargetswhileRubberneckingtheRoom.Astheirkeeneyesscanthe
crowd, theyre asking themselves Who would I mostenjoy talking to?
Who looks like they could be most beeficial to my life? Who could I
learnmostfrominthisgang?

Howdotheychoose?Theylookateveryonethesamewaymyfriend,

Bob,thecaricatureartist,looksatpeople.Youcantellawholelotmore
than you realize if you keep yourgazefixedonsomeone.Everytwinkle
insomeoneseyeandeverylinesuroundingittellsastorythestoryofthe
lifeheorsheleads.Whowasitwhosaid,Atagethirty,everyone hasthe
face he deserves? Yet few of us consciously look into strangers eyes.
How foolishthat, at a party or convention for making contacts, most
peopleareembarrassedtomakeeyecontactwithpeoplewedontknow.

In my networking seminar, I prime participants to make intense

visualcontactbyaskingthemtoformabigcircle,walkaroundtheroom,
and silently stare at each other. Gazeinto each others eyes, I tell them.
Examineeachothersmovements.

As they are walking, I say, The most important business cotact, the

dearestfriend,ortheloveofyourlifeisprobablynotin

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HowtoMeetthePeopleYOUWanttoMeet275
thisroom.Nevertheless,sometimesoon,youwillbeinaroomwhere

youwillspotsomeoneyousensecouldchangeyourlife.Iwantyoutobe
prepared. I want you to have thecourage to make the approach and not
wait in vain for that special someone to approachyou. While strolling
andstaring,Iaskthemtosilentlychoosethefourpeopletheymostwant
totalktoduringthebreak.

OnlytheBeautifulPeopleWillBeChosen
When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the

participantsassumeeveryonewillmakeabeelineforthemostattractive
people. It never happens. Something mysticaloccurs when people take
the time to really look at each other. Everyone discovers adistinctive
beautyinoneortwootherpeoplethatisverypersonal,veryspecial,and
speaksuniquelytotheseeker.

ThedearestfriendinmylifewasahomelylittlefellownamedChip.

He was only 5 feet 2inches tall. Chip had a huge nose and funny little
eyes peeping out through thick glasses.At a party, without using this
technique, I probably would never have noticed Chip.However, my
concentrationwasonhimthedaywemetbecausehewasgivingaspeech.
When Igazed intently into his eyes and watched his lips moving, I saw
such subjective beautycomingfromhisface.Hebecamemybestfriend
for twelve years until a tragic diseasetook his life. Nevertheless, Chip
remainedbeautifultomeuntiltheendbecause,nomatterhowtwistedhis
bodybecamewithillness,thebeautyshonethroughhisspirit.

Astheseminarparticipantsexploreeachothersfacesandmovements,

theydiscoverthesubjectivebeautyintheirfaces,intheirspirits.Noone
canexplainwhyonepersonchoosesanotherasoneofhisorherspecial

four.Yetpracticallyeveryonereturnsfrom thebreakhavingmadeanew
goodfriend.Neverisanyoneleftunchosen.

Whenyouseekpeoplesspecialqualitiesbyexploringtheirfaces,you

will find them. Ifyou want to walk out of any gatheing with your life
enhanced,spendtimewithpeopleyouchoose,notjustthosewhochoose
you.Bechooseyinwhoyoupick.Butdontwaittobethechoosee.

Sure,inaSeminar,ItsEasy,butWhatAboutRealLife?
Sometimes,afterthebreak,aparticipantwillsay,Itwassimpletogo

up to people Iwanted to talk to this time because you gave it as an
assignment. But what about at a realparty? Recently, one of my
participantsnamedToddaskedmethisquestioninfrontofthegroup.

Iasked,Todd,howdidyoumaketheapproachthistime?
Well,Ijustwentupandsaid,Hi,ImTodd.Iwantedtotalktoyou.
Well?Iasked.
Technique#73
BetheChooser,NottheChoosee
Thelifelongfriend,theloveofyourlife,orthebusinesscontactwho

will transformyour future may not be at the party. However, someday,
somewhere, he or she will be. Makeevery party a rehearsal for the big
event.

Donotstandaroundwaitingforthemomentwhenthatspecialperson

approachesyou.Youmakeithappenbyexploringeveryfaceintheroom.
No more ships passing in the night.Capture whatever or whomever you
wantinyourlife.

HowtoMeetthePeopleYOUWanttoMeet277
It dawned on him that he could use this opening phrase to meet

anyone at any party. To smooth a potentially awkward moment, you
quicklyfollowupwithaninnocuousquestionlikeHowdoyouknowthe
hostess? or Do you live in the area? Now, youre off and running just as
thoughthehosthadintrducedyou.

Of course, other choosey people will be prowling around the party.

Some of them, afterscrutinizing you, will decide you are one of the
special people they choose to talk to.The following is a subliminal
maneuvertomakeiteasyforthemcomeovertocofirmtheymadeawise

choice.

HowtoSubliminallyLurePeopletoYouataGathering
Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel sauntering into

certainrooms?Thechairsarearrangedinawaythatwelcomesyouasif
saying, Come right on in and sit on me.Conversely, you enter other
rooms where you must navigate a circuitous route around tablesand
dressersbeforeyoufinallyfindafreechair.

Likewise, some people arrange their body furniture, their arms and

legs, to say, Hey, come right on over and talk to me.Yet other peoples
bodyfurnitureshouts,Keepout!Approachatyourownrisk.Shypeople
inadvertently say stay away when they fold their arms. Theygive off
insecure signals by clutching a purse, clasping a drink, or smoking a
cigarette.

Controlled studies show that party goers are more comforable

approaching people whostand with an open body, arms uncrossed and
hanging at their sides, legs slightlyseparated, a slight smile on their
faces.Anyobjectbetweenyouandthecrowdisasubliminal cutoffeven
your purse. More people approach a woman who sports a shoulder bag
thanonesqueezingahandbag.Theshoulderbaghangsbehindherback,
thusleavingthepathtotalktoheropen.

278
HowtoSubliminallyLurePeopletoYouataGathering279
GiveThemtheOlWristFlash
Now, heres the pi�ce de rŽsistance. Next to your face, your wrists

and palms are one ofthe most expressive parts of your body. Palms up
speakvolumesofgoodsentiments.

The Popes wrists and palms are up when he beckons Come unto me

my brethren. The burglarswrists and palms are up when he says, I give
up, dont shoot. The innocent mans wrists andpalms are up when hes
saying,Idontknowwhotookthemoney.Vulnerable,openpalms signify
Ihavenothingtohide.

They also signify acceptance. When you are listening to a business

colleaguetowhomyouwanttosignalacceptance,makesureyourwrists
andpalmsareup.Evenifyourerestingyourheadonyourchin,turnyour

wrists forward. Whenever you are chating with anyone,give yourself a
constant hand check. Make sure you dont point your knuckles directly
toward anyone. Let them have the pleasure of seeing the soft, tender
comehitherskinofyourwristsandpalms,notthewrinkledgoawayhide
onyourknuckles.

Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some taling for

you.Womeninstinctivelyturntheirwristsandpalmsupwardwhenaman
excites them. (In fact, the olwrist flash while talking with males
subconsciouslygivesthemasexyjolt.)

PaveaClearPathforPeopleWhoFindYouSpecial
Frightenedlittlejunglecatscrouchbehindrocksandlogssonobigger

animalswillspotthem.Inthesocialjungle,shypeopledothesame.They
instinctivelyseekoutcornersandsitinseatswheretheywontbeseen.

Technique#74
Come-HitherHands
Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a

gathering,arrangeyourbodyinanopenpositionespeciallyyourarmsand
hands. People instinctively gravitate towardopen palms and wrists
seductively arranged in the come hither position. They shy away from
knuckles in the get lost or Ill punch you position. Use your wrists and
palmstosayIhavenothingtohide,Iacceptyouandwhatyouresaying,
orIfindyousexy.

Whereaslynxesandlionsstrollconfidentlytothecenterofthejungle

clearing, humanbig cats in the social jungle also stand confidently in a
clearingsootherscanseethem.Likeapolitician,positionyourselfneara
doorwaysinceeveryonemustpassyourwayatsomepointintheevening.

Nowwecometoatechniqueallpoliticiansuse.Infact,somepolitical

punditshavecreditedtheelectionofbothJohnKennedyandBillClinton
totheirmasteryofthetechniqueIcallTracking.

HowtoMakeEmFeelLikeaMovieStar
In the 1940s, movies were different. Before experimental films,

ciemaveritŽ,andnouvellevague,theyhadstories.Americanshoppedin
theirBuicksafoxtailtiedtotheradioantennaandbabybootssuspended
from the rearview mirrordrove to the movie house,and watched a story

unfoldbeforethem.

Almost invariably, the hero and heroine on the silver screen would

meet,fallinlove,overcomeseeminglyimpossibleobstacles,getmarried,
and (presumably) live happily after.Oh, the stories varied slightly. But
therewasalwaysaleadingmanandmaybealeadingwoman.Thenthere
was the rest of the world. The suporting characters could live or die
without much brouhaha. But every minor event in the stars life was
significant.

Well,moviesmayhavechanged.Humannaturehasnt.Everonefeels

like the star of a1940s movie. Every trivial event in their lives is
momentous.TheresME.Thentherestherestoftheworld.

What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear, and

whether he took time tofloss his teeth can be more impotant to that
particular someone than the fall offaraway nations or the rise of global
temperatures.

Husbandsandwivessometimessharetheirspousesminutiae:
281
Whatdidyouhaveforbreakfast,Honey?Youdidntwearthoseshoes,

did you? Did youremember to floss? To create an interesting intimacy,
bigwinnersmakeapointto

remember minute details of important contacts lives. They obvously

dontfeigninterestinwhattheyhadforbreakfastorwhethertheyflossed
orforgot.Buttomakesomeonefeellikeabigstar,theyrememberdetails
theircontactdoeshappentoshare.

Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for

breakfast, allude to itlater. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore
uncomfortableshoestoworkoneday,findawaytorefertoitonanother.
If your client mentions hes a resolute flosser, copliment him at a later
dateonhisdiscipline.Ithintsheorsheisamemorablestarinthegalaxy
ofpeopleyouvemet.ItscalledTrackingtheirlives.Whenyoutracktheir
minutiae, you make them feel like 1940s movie stars and that minor
eventsintheirlivesaremajorconcernsinyours.

DontLeaveIttoChance
Politicians make a science out of Tracking. They keep a little black

box either on theirdesk, in their computer, or in their brain of the last
concern,enthusiasm,oreventdiscussedwitheveryoneintheirlife.They
keeptrackofwherethepeoplewere,whattheysaid,andwhattheywere
doingsincethelastconversation.Thenthefirstwordsofthenext phone
callormeetingwiththatpersonrelatestothatinformation:

Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica? Hey Sam, did your kid

makethebaseballteam?Hi,Sally.Haveyouheardbackfromyourclient
yet?Nicetohearfromyou,Bob.Itmeansyousurvivedthat

Szechuanrestaurantyouweregoingtolasttimewespoke.
HowtoMakeEmFeelLikeaMovieStar283
When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyones life, it

confirmswhattheyveknownallalong.Theyrethemostimportantperson
intheworld.

One of the most powerful forms of tracking is remembering

anniversaries of peoplespersonal achievements. Did your boss get
promotedtoherpresentpositiononeyearagotoday?Didyourclientgo
public?Howmuchmorememorablethanabirthday card to send aone-
yearcongratulationsnote.

Rememberingpeoplesprivatepassionsisanother.Severalyearsago,

I wrote regularly fora magazine. My then-editor, Carie, was obsessed
withhernewkittennamedCookie.RecentlyIranintoCarrieatawriters
conference. In early conversation I said to her, Iguess Cookies a full-
growncatbynow.Howisshe?

Carriesastonishedsmilewasmyreward.
Leil, she squealed, I cant believe you remember Cookie. Yes, shes

finenowand...CarriewentonforanothertenmiutesaboutCookie,the
nowfull-growncat.

Technique#75
Tracking
Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your

conversation partnerslives. Refer to them in your conversation like a
majornewsstory.Itcreatesapowefulsenseofintimacy.

When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyones life, it

confirms the deepconviction that he or she is an old-style hero around

whom the world revolves. And peoplelove you for recognizing their
stardom.

AweeklaterIgotacallfromCarrieaskingmeifIddoabigstoryfor

hermagazine.DidshethinkofmebecauseIusedtheTrackingtechnique
andrememberedCookie?Nobodycansay,butIhavemysuspicions.Ive
seen the Tracking technique work on too many people toassume the
rewardsarecoincidental.

How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so many

people?Theyusethefollowingtechnique.

HowtoAmazeThemwithWhatYouRememberAboutThem
Several years ago, I attended a political fund-raising event in a

Midwestern state. Oneguest intrigued me. Sometimes Id see him in
animatedconversationwithseveralpeople.Othertimes,hedbestanding
alone scribbling something on a card in his hand. Then thenext time Id
lookup,hedbechattingitupwithsomoneelse.Thenextminute,hedbe
scribblinginhishandagain.Herepeatedthispatternforoveranhour.I
becameascuriousasanosyneighbor.Whowasthisfellow?

At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the

refreshmenttable.Hecameuptomewithabigsmile,awarmhandshake,
and introduced himself. Hi, Im Joe Smith. Heasked me what I was
drinking. I told him white wine and we started dicussingpreferences. I
happenedtomentionmyfavoritewhitewasSancerre.Whilewetalked,I
hadto bite my tongue to resist asing him what hed been up to with the
feverishnotetaking.

A few minutes later, I spotted a friend across the room and excused

myself. He asked formy card and, as I walked away, I peeked over my
shoulder. I knew it! There he was,scribbling on my card. That was my
opening.Iturnedbackand,tryingtopassmyinquiryoffasajoke,said,
Hey,Ididntgiveyoumymeaurements.Whatsthatyourewriting?

285
Hegaveaheartylaughatmytastelessjokeandsaid,Youcaughtme!

HeturnedovermycardandIsawonewordwrittenonit:Sancerre.Then,
to assuage my paranoia, he emptiedhis pocketful of peoples business
cardstoshowmescribblesonthebackofeach.IassumeditwasjustJoes

little system to help him remember people. It wasnt until monthslater
thatIsawthemethodtohismadness.

One morning I went to my mailbox and found a personal postcard

fromJoe.Hetoldmehewasrunningforstatesenator.Thenatthebottom
of the card, hed written, Had any goodSancerre lately? That won my
heart. Had I lived in his state, a litle touch like thatmight have swayed
myvotetohim.

Theymaynotjumpupanddownasking,Howdidyourememberthat?

Nevertheless,theywillrememberyou.NomatterhowimportanttheVIP,
heorshesensesaspecialkinship

Technique#76
TheBusinessCardDossier
Rightafteryouvetalkedtosomeoneataparty,takeoutyourpen.On

the back of his orher business card write notes to remind you of the
conversation: his favorite restaurant,sport, movie, or drink; whom she
admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybea joke he
told.

In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite

restaurant,sport,movie,drink,hometown,highschoolhonor.Orreprieve
thelaughoverthegreatjoke.

HowtoAmazeThemwithWhatYouRememberAboutThem287
with the person who refers to other than their usual well-known

accomplishments.

Politiciansareconstantlysellingthemselves.(Ifyouveeverwondered

whyAmericaiscalledTheLandofPromise,justkeepyourearsopenin
electionyear.)But,ofcourse,toknowwhattopromisepeople,politicians
usethenextsupersalestechniquecalledEyeballSelling.

HowtoMaketheSalewithYourEyeballs
ThepercentageofsalesthatJimmi,agoodfriendofmine,makesis

not to be believed.Evenhissalesmanagerdoesntknowhowhedoesit.
ButIdo.Becausehetoldme.

Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques hes learned over the years

(Benefits Selling,Partnering,SellingtoPersonalityTypes,Value-Added
Concept, Rejection Proofing, SpinSelling)allpalenexttowhathecalls

EyeballSelling.

Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing tecniques. Nor

is it verballysparring with a customer to overcome objections. Jimmi
says its quite simply keeping hiseyes open, watching his customers
reactions, and adjusting his sales pitch according tohow his customers
bodymoves.

WhileJimmiisgivinghissalespitch,hesconcentratingmoreonhow

hiscustomerfidgets,twitches,andsquirmsthanonwhathessaying.Hes
scrutinizinghiscustomersinvoluntaryheadmovments.Hesstudyingher
hand gestures, her body rotation, her facialexpressionseven her eye
fluctuations.Jimmisayswhenhiscutomerisnotsayingaword,even if
shes trying to give you a poker face, she cannot not communicate. She
maynotsayinwordshowreceptivesheistoyourpitch,butshesclearly
telling you nonethless.Jimmi says knowing what turns a prospect on,
whatturnsheroff,andwhatleavesherneutralfrommomenttomoment
canmakeorbreakthesale.

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HowtoMaketheSalewithYourEyeballs289
HowJimmiFindsOutWheretheBuckStops
The product Jimmi sells is expensive lighting equipment. Often he

must make salespresentationstogroupsoften,twenty,ormorepeople.
Hesays,ThefirstchallengeinEyeballSellingisdiscoeringwhothereal
decisionmakeris.

Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily

recommended)way.RightafterGoodafternoon,gentlemenandladies,he
says something slightly confusing. Why? Becausethe surprised group
doesntknowhowtoreact.Sotheirheadsalltwirllikeweathervanesona
windy day to look atguess who?the honcho, the heavyweight, the head
man or woman. NowJimmis got his decision maker so he can continue
EyeballSellingtothatperson.

WhattoDoWhenYouGetYourCue
Some signals are obvious, Jimmi says. People shrug their shouders

for indifference, taptheir fingers for impatience, or loosen their collar
when they feel uncomfortable. Butthere are hundreds of other

unconsciousgesturesIkeepmyantennaetunedfor.

Forexample,Iwatchtheexactangleofmyprospectsheadposition.If

itsfullyfacingme,especiallyifitscockedatacutelittleangle,itmeans
theyreinterested.Inthatcase,Ikeeprightontalking.Butiftheirheadis
slightly turning away, thats a badsign. I take it as a cue to change the
subjectandmaybetalkaboutadifferentbenefitofmyproduct.

Jimminotonlytailorswhathessayingtohiscustomersreations,but

heactivelytakesstepstochangehisprospectsbodypostionifhefeelsits
not receptive. He says, Thebody must be open before the mind can
follow.Forexample,hecontinues,Ifyourcustomerhashisarmscrossed
in front of his chest, hand him somthing to look at so he has tounfold
themtotakeitfromyou.Jimmi

alwayscarriesabriefcasefullofpropstobreakdownthebarriers.He

hasphotosofhiswifeandkidstohandmarriedprospects,snashotsofhis
Skye terrier for customersthat have a dog, an antique watch to show
antique lovers, and a pocket-size computer toshow gadget fanatics.
Jimmi says, As long as I can get them to open their arms to reachfor
something,Ihaveashotattheirminds.

Jimmialsopacesthetimingofhispitchtomatchhiscutomerscovert

reactions. Whenhis client reaches for an object, he takes it as a cue to
talkslowerorjustbequiet.Reachingforapapercliporfondlingafolder
onthedesksays,Imthinkingaboutit.

Of course, Jimmi is on constant lookout for sales-ready sinals like

picking up thecontract, fondling the pen, or turning their palms up.At
thatpoint,hecutsquicklytotheclose.

Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when your

prospects head startsbobbing up and down like a plastic duck. Theyre
silentlyscreaming,Yes,Illbuy!Unskilledsalepeoplejustkeepontalking
untiltheyfinishthepitchtheylearnedintraining.Manykeeptalkingso
long, they unsell themselves. Conversely, when customersmove their
headsbackandforth,nomatterwhattheyaresaying,theymeanNo!

EyeballingIsNotforSellingOnly
Withoutaword,yourfriendsandlovedonesalsoshowtheirwishes.

WhenmyfriendDeborahbecameengagedtoTony,itseemedobviousto

everyoneexceptDeborahthatitwasnotamarriagemadeinheaven.Afew
months before their wedding I said, Deb, are you reallysure Tonys the
oneforyou?

Ohyes,shesaid,herheadmovingrightandleft,backandforth,Ilove

him very much.That marriage never took place. Her body recognized
whathermindhadntyetrealized.

Likeapolitician,thinkofyoursocialconversationsassalespitches.

Even if you haveno product, you want them to buy your ideas. If your
listener turns away while youretalking, dont conHow to Make the Sale
withYourEyeballs291

centrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself,

HowcanIchangethesubjecttoturnthispersonon?Iftheirwholebody
starts to turn away, use thetime-honored personal question ploy. Ask
about their favorite topic. George, how big didyou say that bass you
caughtlastweekwas?Orusehisnameandaskapersonalquestion.Thats
always a grabber. Archibald, what did you say the name of your high
schoolfootballteamwas?

Wevetalkedaboutonlyafewresponses.Hintsforreadingsomeones

body language couldfill a book. In fact, they have many of them. I
suggest a few of my favorites in thereferences.2126Read up on body
languageandtuneintoitsvisualchannelwheeveryouretryingtosellto
people,gettheirvote,orconvincethemyourethebestcandidateforthe
jobortheroleoflifepartner.

Wouldnt it be super to have Jimmis success rate with our listeners

acceptingwhateverwesay?Wecanifwejustkeepoureyesopen.

AQuickReview
Thats all there is to it.Youll remember to eat before coming to the

party(theMunchingorMinglingtechnique)toleaveyour

Technique#77
EyeballSelling
The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that

transmitsYouthrillme. Youboreme.Ilovethataspectofyourproduct.
Thatoneputsmyfeettosleep.

Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick up on all your

customers and friendssignals. Then plan your pitch and your pace
accordingly.

hands free for heavy networking. When you arrive, youll stop in the

doorway and Rubberneckthe Room to get the lay of the land. While
rubbernecking, youll Be the Chooser, Not theChoosee and pick your
prospects for the evening. When standing around, you will berelaxing
andinvitingwithCome-HitherHands.

Youhaventforgotten,ofcourse,tousethemeeting-peopletechniques

from previouschapters. If you spot someone you want to talk to, check
them out for a Whatzit you cancomment on. Finding none, just ask the
partygiver,Whoozat?Ifthehostorhostessisnotinsight,simplystand
nearyourtargetandresorttotheEavesdropIntechnique.

While chatting with anyone youve previously met, you will, of

course, use Tracking to wintheir vote or heart and all the tecniques in
Part Two to ensure the conversation isinteresting for your new
acquaintance. Finally, youll employ Eyeball Selling to make sureyoure
ontargetwitheveryconversation.Anddontfoget,asyousaysolong,to
scribblematerialforyournextcontactonyourBusinessCardDossier.

Itsagoodfeelingwhenyouvedoneitallright.Continueusingthese

techniquespoliticians use to work a room, and youll suffer no more
unimportantparties.And,followingtheadvicethroughoutthebook,youll
neverstrikeanyoneasanunimpotantperson.

NowwemoveontotheadvancedsectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.

Some of the followingtechniques may make you scratch your head in
confusion. Pay special attention to the onesthat do because it means
somewhere,sometime,youmightfindyourselfscratchingyourheadover
somethingmuchmorepainfullikethebumpfromhittingaglassceiling,
or why thebusiness deal, frienship, or love affair went sour.You might
neverknow,unlessyoureadithere,thatitwasyourowncommunications
fumble.

HowtoTalktoAnyone-92

LittleTricks...

PARTNINE

HowtoBreaktheMostTreacherousGlassCeilingofAll
SometimesPeopleAreTigers
Every week, when I was a kid, my mother took me to the National

Geographic Society to seea film. The one on tigers invades my
nightmaresthesemanyyearslater.Sittingthereinthedarkenedtheater,I
watched a mother give birth to three tiny cubs. One was born witha
mangledleg.Iwitnessedhowalltheothertigercubsexcludedhim.And
rightthereinfrontofthecameras,hewastoturedtodeathbytheothers.I
remember crying andthinking how the healthy cubs were like a few of
thekidsinmyschool.Somtimestheycouldbeverycruel.

MybestfriendingradeschoolwasStellaandshewasabeatifulgirl

inside and out.Butshehadaspeechdefect,acleftpalate.Andmanyof
our classmates laughed at herbehind her back and excluded her from
theirgames.

Kidshaventchangedmuch.WhenIgivetalksforcollegesandyoung

peoples groups, thediscussionoftenturnstopopularity.Everyonewants
tobeliked.Occasionallystudentstellmestories

293
abouthowsomegirlhasaminorphysicaldefect,say,acrossedeyeor

anervoustwitch.Theysaysomekidslaughandmakefunofher.Oraboy
hasalimpsonoonechooseshimfortheirbaseballteam.Evenifhecan
run just as fast as the other kids, some of hisclassmates dont like the
imageofacripplebeingontheirside.

The years go by and kids become adults. Not too much changes.

Adults are not as cruel,happily, about physical disabilties. But they can
bebrutalaboutsocialdisabilities.Socialdiabilitiesareinsidiousbecause
oftenwedontrecognizetheminourselves.We canbeblindtooursocial
handicaps and deaf to our verbal deficiencies. But were quickto
recognizetheminothers.

Howmanytimeshasoneofyourassociatesmadeadumb,insensitive

gaffe?Howoftenhaveyouwrittensomebodyoffbecauseofsomestupid

move?Doyouthinkheknewwhathewasdoing?Ofcoursenot.Hehad
noideahewascrossingalineorsteppingonyourtoes.Probablynoone
ever told him about the subtleties were going to discuss in this final
sectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.

Weveallheardabouttheglassceilingsomecompaniescostructover

women andminorities. People seldom discuss another kind of glass
ceiling. This one is even moretreacherous because you cant legislate
against it and only top communicators reconizeit. Yet its a rock-hard
shield.Manybrightindividualshittheirheadsonthethickglassas they
try to climb up the next rung of the ladder to join the big boys and big
girlsontop.Thefolksabletocrashthrougharetheoneswhoabidebythe
unspokenrulesthatfollow.

Consider each of the following techniques. If you find any of them

obvious,giveyourselfapatontheback.Itmeansyourealreadyatigeron
that one. Be on the lookout for thosecommnications sensitivities where
youfindyourselfsaying,Yougottabekidding!Whatswrongwiththat?

Watch out! It means someday, somewhere, you might commit that

particularinsensitivity.Then,whenabigwinnerresponds

HowtoBreaktheMostTreacherousGlassCeilingofAll295
coollytoyoursuggestion,doesntreturnyourphonecall,doesntgive

you the promotion,doesnt invite you to the party, doesnt accept your
date, youll never know what happened.Read each of the following
techniquestoensureyourenotmakinganyofthesesubtlemistakes, that
letthebigplayerslacerateyouandkeepyoufromgettingwhatyouwant
inlife.

HowtoWinTheirAffectionbyOverlookingTheirBloopers
One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another diffeence

between big winners andlittle losers. Several years ago I was doing a
projectforaclient.Ihadthepleasureofbeingtakentolunchbythefour
biggest fish in the firm. They wanted to famiiarize mewith
communicationsproblemstheircompanywasexperiencing.

Wewenttoabusymidtownrestaurantatpeaklunchtime.Everytable

was filled with avariety of corporate creatures. Uppeand middle-
management types were lunching in theirsuits and ties or high-collar

blouses. Workers and secretaries were muncing in their blue shirts or
short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing with conversation and
conviviality.

Over the entrŽe, we were in deep discussion about the copanys

challenges.TheCFO,Mr.Wilson,wastalkingaboutthefinancialoutlook
whensuddenly,BLAM!Notsixfeetaway,a waiterdroppedatrayfullof
dishes.Glassesbroke,silverwareclateredagainstthemarblefloor,anda
hotbakedpotatorolledunderourtableinadirectpathforWilsonsfeet.

296
HowtoWinTheirAffectionbyOverlookingTheirBloopers297
Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the humiliated

waiter.Wehearda cacophonyofUh-oh,Buterfingers!Whoops,watchit!
Boy, thats his last lunch here, anda variety of tittering and derisive
laughter.

Wilson, however, didnt miss a word of his monologue. Not one big

playeratmytableturnedorblinkedaneye.Itwasasthoughnothinghad
happened. The restaurant gradually quieteddown around us as we
continued our deliberations. (A few miutes later the baked potatoshot
backoutfromunderourtable.Atthatmoment,Ifoundmyselfwondering
whetherWilsonhadbeenasoccerplayerinhisyouth.)

Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms. Dawson, was dicussing

the companys plannedexpansion. Suddenly she made an expansive
gesture with her arms that knocked over hercoffee cup. Just as I was
abouttosay,Ohdear,Ibitmytongue.BeforeIcouldgrabmy napkinto
help,Dawsonwasdabbingthemuddypuddlewithhers,andnotmissinga
syllableof her soliloquy. None of her cool colleagues at the table even
seemedtonoticetheoveturnedcup.

Atthatinstant,Irealizedbigboysandbiggirlsseenoblooers,hear

no bloopers.They never say Butterfingers or Whoops or even Uh-oh.
They ignore their colleagues boners.They siply dont notice their
comradesminorspills,slips,fumbles,andblunders.Thus,the technique
SeeNoBloopers,HearNoBlooerswasborn.

LetMeSufferinYourSilence
I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, Oh, are you coing

down with a cold?Every time I miss a step on a curb, its Be careful!
Every time he sees me after a longdays work he asks, Are you tired?
Granted,thisissmallfryinthegreatbouillabaisseofbloopers.And the
poorguyprobablygenuinelythinkshes

being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a cold,

missing the curb, andlooking tired are less than cool. Let me sufferin
YOURsilence.

Ifyourehavingdinnerwithafriendandshemakesaboner,beblind

to her overturnedglass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough, or hiccups. No
matter how well-meaning yourgesundheit, whoops, or knowing smile,
nobodylikestoberemindedoftheirownhumanfrailty.

Fine, you say, for small slips, but what should one do in extreme

circumstances?Sayaripplingtideofsodaisfloodingacrossthetablein
your direction and it will beimpossible to ignore by the time it reaches
yourlap.

If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and keep

talking.Trynottomissasyllableofthesentenceyoustartedbeforethe
oncoming tide. At this point, yourcompanion might mutter incoherent
apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical Its nothinginto your current
phrase and continue talking. On such small sands the castles of big cat
camaraderiearebuilt.

Technique#78
SeeNoBloopers,HearNoBloopers
Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances,

and loved ones thepleasurable myth of being above commonplace
bloopersandembarrassingbiologicalfunctions.Theysimplydontnotice
theircomradesminorspills,slips,fumbles,andfauxpas.Theyobviously
ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in theirfellow
mortals.Bigwinnersnevergapeatanothersgaffes.

HowtoWinTheirAffectionbyOverlookingTheirBloopers299
If people hate to be reminded of the moments when theyre not

shining,thereisanothereventalmostasdisillusioning.Itiswhenatalker
isshiningandthespotlightabruptlypivotstoamoreurgentmatter.The
speakerisforgottenintheflurry.

Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabbers eyes

withthetechniquethatfollows.

HowtoWinTheirHeartWhenTheirTongueIsFaltering
InancientJapan,ifyousavedsomeoneslife,itwastheirselimposed

task to spend therest of their life serving you. Nowadays, if you rescue
someones story, a molecule of thatancient instinct still gushes through
hisorherveins.

Ithappensallthetime.Someoneinagroupistellingastoryand,just

before their bigpoint, BOOM! Theres an interruption. Someone new
joins the group, a catering person with atray of crackers and cheese
comesover,orababystartscrying.Suddenlyeveryonesattentionturnsto
the new arrival, the nibbles on the tray, or the adorable little tyke.
Nobody is aware of the interuptionexcept the speaker. They forget all
aboutthefactthatthespeakerhasntmadehisorherpoint.

Or youre all sitting around the living room and someone is telling a

joke.Suddenly,justbeforetheirbigpunchline,littleJohnnydropsadish
or the phone rings. After thecrash, everyone talks about little Johnnys
clumsiness.Afterthecall,thesubjectturnstotheimpendingmarriageor
medicaloperationofthecaller.Nobodyremembersthegreatpunch line
got abortedexcept the joke teller. (When its you regaling everyone at a
restaurant,have

300
HowtoWinTheirHeartWhenTheirTongueIsFaltering301
you ever noticed how you can almost set your clock by the waiter

comingtotakeeveryonesorderjustbeforeyourhilariouspunchline?)

Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the invsion,

Now, as I wassaying . . . Instead, theyll spend the rest of the evening
feeling miserable they didntget to finish. Heres where you come in.
RescuethemwiththetechniqueIcallLendaHelingTongue.

Watchthegratitudeinthestorytellerseyesashestabilizeswherehis

story sunk and hesails off again toward the center of attention. His
expressionandtherecognitionofyoursensitivitybytherestofthegroup
areoftenrewardenough.Youareevenmorefortunate ifyoucanrescue
the story of someone who can hire you, promote you, buy from you, or

otherwise lift your life. Big winners have elephantine memories. When
youdothemsubtlefavorslikeLendaHelpingTongue,theyfindawayto
payyouback.

Technique#79
LendaHelpingTongue
Whenever someones story is aborted, let the interrution play itself

out. Give everyonetime to dote on the little darling, give their dinner
order,orpickupthejaggedpiecesofchina.

Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who

suffered story-interruptus,Now please get back to your story. Or better
yet,rememberwheretheywereandthenask,Sowhathappenedafterthe.
..(andfillinthelastfewwords).

Harvey Mackay, the worlds most notable networker who rose from

envelope salesman tocorporate CEO and one ofAmericas most sought-
after business and motivational speakers,teaches us that the world goes
round on favors. How right he is! The next three techniquesreveal
unspokensubtletiesofthiscriticalbalanceofpower.

HowtoLetEmKnowWhatsInItforThem
Savvybusinesspeopleknoweveryoneisconstantlytunedtothesame

radio stationWIIFM.Whenever anyone says anything, the listeners
instinctive reaction is whats in it for me?Sales pros have elevated this
constant query to the exalted status of acronym, WIIFM. Theypay such
strict attention to the WIIFM principle that they dont open their pitch
with thefeatures of their product or service. Top pros start by
highlightingthebenefitstothebuyer.

Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big winners

laybothwhatsinitforme?andwhatsinitforyou?(WIIFY)rightouton
thetable.Thisissocriticalthat,ifonecaouflagesWIIFMorWIIFY,the
concealerisrelegatedtothesttusoflittleloser.

Ionceinvitedacasualacquaintancetolunch.Ihadhopedtoconsult

withSam,theheadofamarketingassociation,onmyspeakingbusiness.
I told him my desire and jokinglyasked if an hour of his valuable time
wasavailableinreturnforlunchatagreatrestaurant.Thatwasmyway
ofsaying,LookSam,Iknowtheresnorealbenefittoyouexceptatasty

lunch and the dubious plesure of my company. (In other words, I was
revealingWIIFY.)Tomakethemeetingevenmoreconvenientforhim,I
said,Sam,choosethedateandthebestrestaurantinyourneighborhood.

303
The day of our lunch consultation rolled around and I traeled forty-

five minutes acrosstown to his chosen restaurant. As I entered, I was
surprisedtoseeanassortmentofpeoplearrangedaroundthelargesttable
intheroomwithSamasthesmilingceterpiece.Obviously,thiswasnot
the setting in which I could cosult with him.Unfortunately, Sam had
alreadyspottedmebythecoatcheck.Iwastrapped.

Itwasntuntilafter-lunchcoffeearrivedthatIrealizedwhySamhad

assembled the group.He wanted each to donate presetations on their
particular expertise to hisorganization. The sly fox hadnt revealed his
ownwhatsinitforme?

Had Sam been a straight shooter and big player, he would have told

me on the phone, Leil,Im getting a group of speakers who might be
helpful to my organization together for aDutctreat lunch. I will, of
course,trytoansweryourquestionsaboutyourspeakingbusiness,butwe
will be a group of ten. Would you like to join us, or shall we choose
anotherdatewhenwecanhavemoreprivacy?

IwouldgladlyhavespokenprobonoforSamsgrouphadhebeenup-

frontaboutit.Instead,bynotrevealingWIIFM,webothlost.Ilostahalf
dayand,becauseofhistrickiness,helostmyfreespeechforhisgroup.

DontDenyThemthePleasureofHelpingYou
Bigwinnersalsolaytheircardsonthetablewhenaskingsomeonefor

afavor.Manywell-meaningfolksareembarrassedtosayhowimportant
the favor is to them. So they askasthoughitsacasualinquirywhenits
not.

AfriendofminenamedStefanonceaskedmeifIknewanybandshis

organization couldhirefortheirannualevent.ItoldhimNo,Imsorry.I
reallydont.ButStefandidntletitgoatthat.Hepressed,Leil,didntyou
onceworkwithbandsonships?

HowtoLetEmKnowWhatsInItforThem305
ItoldhimYes,butInolongerhavecontactwiththem.Ithoughtthat

was the end of it.But Stefan didnt. He grilled me further and I found
myself getting confused and irritated.Finally I said, Stefan, whos in
chargeofgettingtheband?

Hesheepishlysaid,Iam.
Criminy jicketts, Stefan, why didnt you tell me it was your

responsibility?Inthatcase,letmedosomeresearchandseeifIcanfind
agoodoneforyou.Iwashappytodomyfriendafavor.ButStefan,by
not telling me how important it was to him, risked notgetting help. He
also went down a notch or two in his friends esteem by not revealing
WIIFM.

Whenaskingsomeoneforafavor,letthemknowhowmuchitmeans

toyou.Youcomeacross asastraightshooter,andthejoyofhelpingyou
outisoftenrewardenough.Dontdenythemthatpleasure!

Asking or granting favors is a fabric that holds together only when

woven with utmostsensitivity. Let us explore more ways to stitch this
delicateclothsoyourrelationshipdoesntrip.

Technique#80
BaretheBuriedWIIFM(andWIIFY)
Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the

respective benefits. Revealwhats in it for you and whats in it for the
otherpersonevenifitszip.Ifanyhiddenagendacomesuplater,youget
labeledaslyfox.

HowtoMakeThemWanttoDoFavorsforYou
One of my clients, Susan Evans, heads up a large real estate firm.

Once, sitting in heroffice discussing an upcoming project, her seretary
buzzed. Excuse me, Ms. Evans, itsyour brother-in-law Harry on the
phone.

Oh,ofcourse,shesmiled,puthimon.Myclient,maingapologiesfor

the interruption,pickedupthephone.Ilefttheroomforafewmoments
togiveherprivacy.

WhenIreturned,Susanwasjusthangingup, saying, Sure, have him

phoneme.Shetoldmethecallwasfromherbrothein-lawwhoseyoung
cousinworkedinagasstationbutwasinteestedinacareerinrealestate.
TheyoungmanisgoingtocallmeandIllseeifIcanhelphimout.Itwas

obviousshewashappytodoherbrother-in-lawafavor.Wepickedupour
discussionwhereweleftoff.

Not four minutes later, the secretary buzzed again. Ms. Evans, a

SonnyLakerisontheline.Hesayshesyourbrother-ilawHarryscousin
andhessupposedtocallyou.Myclientwastakenaback.Icouldtellfrom
herexpressionshewassayingtoheself,Boy,myoveranxiousbrother-in-
law didnt waste any time, did he? It seemed obvious to both ofus what
hadhappened.Like

306
HowtoMakeThemWanttoDoFavorsforYou307
greased lightning, Harry must have hot-breathedly called Cousin

Sonny to give him the bigheadline: Evans Would See Him! Then, by
dialingMs.Evansimmediately,Sonnymadeitseemthebidealinterview
wasthemostimportanteventinhisotherwisedullanddismallife.

True or not, one verity remainedLittle Cousin was insenstive to an

unspoken rule bigwinners always obey: dont jump immediately when
someoneisdoingyouafavor.Allowthe pesongrantingthefavortimeto
savorthepleasureofagreeingtoit,beforehavingtopayup.

Both brother-in-law and potential employee slipped in Evanss

estimate, all because oftiming. To ensure the kid wouldnt call his real-
estate-mogul sister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have waited a day
beforetellinghiscousinthegoodnews.Also,youngSonnyshould have
askedCousinHarryaboutEvanssschedule.Sometimesanimmediatecall
isadvantageousbutnotwhensomoneisgrantingyouafavor.

OnemightthinkEvanswasunfairjudgingSonnyharshlyjustbecause

he didnt let her savorthe favor. It runs deeper than that. Evanss
subconscious thought process goes somethinglike this: If this kid is
insensitivetothesubtletiesoftimingwhengettinga

Technique#81
LetEmSavortheFavor
Wheneverafriendagreestoafavor,allowyourgenerousbuddytime

torelishthejoyofhisorherbeneficencebeforeyoumakethempaythe
piper.

Howlong?Atleasttwenty-fourhours.

job, how sensitive is he going to be when negotiating the sale of a

house? One agentsoveranxiouscalltoanownercanmeanthosandslost
incommissionsforthefirm.

Bigwinnershavesupernaturalvisionintoyourfuture.Theyseeevery

communicationsblunder you make as a visible blotch on your x-ray. It
dimsyourprognosisforbeingsuccessfulinlife.

Letslookatyetanothertenuousthreadbetweenfavoraskerandfavor

grantorthatmustnotbeseveredlesttherelationshipunravel.

HowtoAskforFavors(andGetThem!)
Ionceaskedawell-connectedfriendwhoworksinatopLosAngeles

talent agency if sheknew any celebrities I could contact for a project I
wasworkingon.TaniaflippedthoughherRolodexandcameupwithjust
thenamesIneeded.Itwasobvioustobothofus,Iowedherbigtime.

When I thanked her profusely on the phone, Tania said, Oh Im sure

youllfindawaytopaymeback.

Well, of course I will, I said. That goes without saying.And well it

shouldhavegonewithoutsaying.Shewasremindingmethefavorwasnt
outoffriendship,butbecausesheexpectedsomethinginreturn.

Twodayslater,TaniacalledandsaidshewascomingtoNewYorkin

a few months. She wasjust checking now if I could put her up then.
NaturallyIcould,butblatantlycashinginonthereturnfavorsoquickly
wasnotasmoothmove.Whensomeonedoessomethingniceforyou,you
findyourselfwithanelephantsmemory.Infact,youconsciouslylookfor
ways toreturn the favor. Had Tania called, even years later, of course I
wouldhaveremeberedIowedherone.Frankly,Iwasgladitcameupso
quickly so I could even the score.Nevertheless, I do wish the whole
barteraspecthadbeenleftunspoken.Ittarnishedwhatshouldhavebeen

309
a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnish always wears off on the

tarnisher.

Whenyoudosomeoneafavorandtheyobviouslyoweyouone,waita

few weeks. Dont make itlook like tit for tat.Allow the favor asker the
pleasurablemyththatyoujoyfullydidthefavorwithnothoughtofwhat
youre going to get in return. They know thats not true.You know thats

nottrue.Butonlylittlelosersmakeitobvious.

The next three techniques also involve timing, not of favors, but of

importantdiscussions.

Technique#82
Titfor(Wait...Wait)Tat
Whenyoudosomeoneafavoranditsobviousthatheowesyouone,

wait a suitable amountoftimebeforeaskinghimtopay.Lethimenjoy
thefact(orfiction)thatyoudiditoutoffriendship.Dontcallinyourtit
fortheirtattooswiftly.

HowtoKnowWhatNottoSayatParties
When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, hed

franticallyseekachurchtoduckinto.Thecrookknewifhecouldgetto
analtar,thefrustratedpossecouldnotarresthimuntilhecameout.

Whenapackofwolvesinthejungleisinhotpursuitofajackrabbit,

the frightenedbunnyseyesseekahollowlog.Heknowsthewolvescant
devourhimuntilheemerges.

Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens.

Althoughunspoken,theyareassecureasthetenth-centuryaltarorahole
inthelog.Atclearlyunderstoodtimesandplaces,eventhetoughesttiger
knowshemustnotattack.Icallthesesafehavens.

I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency who

each year invites meto her companys Christmas party. One year, the
holiday spirit was in extra-high swing.Conviviality was high and
champagneflowedfreely.Itwasaterrificbash.

The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel level of

theholidayrevelerswentupandup.Sohigh,infact,thatKirstintoldme
she was going to tiptoe out theback door and offered to drop me off at
myplace.

311
Asweweremakingourwaytowardtheexit,weheardawoozyvoice

inthecrowd,OhKirrr-stin,Kirrr-stin!Amail-roomworker,warpedwith
too much seasonal spirit, wobbledup to her boss and said, You know,
thishishagreatparty,agrr-reatparty.ButIbeen doinsomefiguring.If
half what it cost went into a child-care facility for the seven,count em,

sevenmotherswithpreschoolchildrenwhoworkhere...

Kirstin,atopcommunicator,tookJaneshandsinhersandgavehera

bigsmile.Shesaid,Jane,youreobviouslyexcellentatmath.Youreright,
justabouthalfofwhatthispartycostwouldindeedpayfortheopeningof
suchafacility.Letstalkaboutitduringbusinesshours.Wethenmadea
swiftdeparture.

Onthewaybacktomyplace,sheletoutabigbreathandsaid,Whew,

Imgladthatsover.

Didntyouenjoytheparty,Kirstin?Iasked.
Well,sure,shesaid,Butyouneverknowwhatsgoingtohappen.For

instance, she said,that remark Jane made. She went on to explain
managementhadalreadyhadseveralmeetingsaboutopeningachild-care
facility for employees. In fact, plans for turning an unusedstorage area
into a beautiful nursery were already in the works. Na•vely, I asked
KirstinwhyshehadntmetionedthattoJane.

Itwasnttherighttimeorplace.Kirstinhadhandledthesiuationatthe

party the wayany big winner wouldno spoken confrontation now (but
probablesilentcondemnationlater).

Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven rule,

Parties Are forPratter. Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she punish her
inappropriate behavior? Not then,of course. Nevetheless, Jane would
probablyfeeltherepercussionsafewmonthsdownthepikewhenitcame
to promotion time. But by then poor Jane wouldnt even know why she
waspassedover.

Willitbebecauseofaone-timeoverimbibing?Janemightgrumble,

Yes.Janeiswrong.Itssimplythatbigplayerscanttake

HowtoKnowWhatNottoSayatParties313
the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday

spiritatanotherpartyandnexttimeconfrontanimportantclient.

Lets move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape the

clawsofbiggercatsand,theyhope,thegrowlsoflesserones.

Technique#83
PartiesAreforPratter
There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even

thetoughesttigerknowshemustnotattack.Thefirstoftheseisparties.

Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for

confrontations. Big players,evenwhenstandingnexttotheirenemiesat
the buffet table, smile and nod. They leavetough talk for tougher
settings.

HowtoKnowWhatNottoSayatDinner
Didyoueverwonderwhybusinesslunchesbetweenbigbossesgoon

interminably long,sometimes well into the afternoon? Did you ever
suspectitsjustbecausetheyliketosit,drink,andmassageeachotheron
thecompanyexpenseaccount?Perhapstheresanelementofthat.Butthe
mainreasonisbecausethediningtableisanevenmoresacredsafehaven
thanaparty.Bigboysandbiggirlsrealize,whetheritsabusinessdinner,
lunch, orbreakfast, breaking bread together is a time when they must
discussnounpleasantaspectsofthebusiness.Afterall,toughnegotiating
cankillyourappetite.

Lets listen in on an average business lunch between big plaers. We

hear the clanking ofglasses as they consume drinks over convivial
conversation. They are discussing golf, theweather,andmakinggeneral
observations about the state of the business. Duing themain course, the
discourseturnstofood,thearts,currentaffairs,andothernonthreatening
subjects.

Wastedtime?onemightask.Notatall!Thebigplayersarewatching

each others movesvery carefully, calculating each others skills,
knowledge,prowess.LikeNFLscoutsobservingcollegefootballpractice,
theyredeterminingwhosgottherightstuff.Big

314
HowtoKnowWhatNottoSayatDinner315
playersknowhowpeoplehandlethemselvesatasocialoccasionisan

accuratebarometeroftheirbig-businessmuscle.Astheyaresmilingand
laughing at each others jokes, they areall making silent critical
judgments.

Finally,coffeearrives.Atthispointoneormoreofthebiggiesgently

broaches thebusinessathand.Naturally,heorshedoesitwithsupposed
reluctance, trying to repressthe obvious relief that at last they can get

downtosignificantstuff.Heexudes,Whatashamesuchgenialcompany
shouldhavetoconcernitselfwithmundanematterslikemakingmoney.

Onlyaftertheyhaveplayedoutthiscrucialcharadecantheydiscuss

business. But nodirtybusiness.Thebiggiescanbrainstormovercoffee.
Theycandiscussproposalsoverdessert.Theycantossaroundnewideas
over cordials. They can explore the positive sideof the merger, the
acquisition,orthepartnershipwhilewaitingforthecheck.

However,

should

any

disagreement,

misunderstanding,

or

controversial aspect arise, theymust immediately relegate it to another
table,theconferencetable.

Technique#84
DinnersforDining
The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining

table.Breakingbreadtogetherisatimewhentheybringupnounpleasant
matters. While eating, they know itsOK to brainstorm and discuss the
positive side of the business: their dreams, theirdesires, their designs.
They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough
business.

This convention probably arose out of a prudent agreement not to

inflict indigestion oneach other. Tough negotiating is unpalatable and
canruinanotherwiseperfectlymouthwateringvealchop.

Incidentally,thesameruleappliesinthesocialjungle.Ifonepartner

inafriendshiporaloverelationshiphassomeheavyreltionshipissuesto
discuss,savethemforafterdessert.Evenifyoudontsolvetheproblem,
youwanttoenjoythedeliciouschocolatesoufflŽ.

Letscrawlintoourthirdandfinalsafehaventoexploreit.
HowtoKnowWhatNottoSayinaChanceMeeting
William,whosellswidgets,hasbeentryingtogetBigWinneronthe

phone for weeks tosee if B.W.s company will buy his line of widgets.
Big Winner is still considering Willies widgets and plans eventually to
returnhiscall.However,atthispointinourstory,our littleherosphone
hasnotrung.

Itjustsohappens,oneeveningWilliefindshimselfstandingbehind

BigWinnerinthesupermarketline.

Whatgoodfortune!thinksWillie.
Ohhell!thinksBigWinner.Ihopehesnotgoingtohitmewithtalk

ofhiswidgetsatthishour.

Those who appreciate safe havens know there are two very different

endingstothisstory.TheWilliewhobringsupwidgetswithanAha,Ive
got you now gleam in his eye, never getshis call returned. Even if Big
Winner preferred Willies widgets above all others, he would find the
supermarketentrapmentsufficientlypainfultopunishthelittleloser.

However,theWilliewhojustsaysHellothere,B.W.Howgoodtosee

you,withnaryawordofwidgets,showshesabigplayer,too.ThisWillie
willmostcertainlygethiscallreturnedprobablythenextdayoutofBig
WinnersreliefandgratitudeforWilliesgraciousness.

317
Technique#85
ChanceEncountersAreforChitchat
Ifyoureselling,negotiating,orinanysensitivecommunicationwith

someone, do NOTcapitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of
yourmistakenmeetingsweetandlight.Otherwise,itcouldturnintoyour
swansongwithBigWinner.

Consistentlycreatesafehavensforpeopleifyouwantthemtoelevate

youtothestatusofbigwinner.Youmayfindyourselfdiningwiththem,
going to parties with them, gettingbig hellos in the hall, and closing
deals much faster than during business hours. Whoknows? If its your
desire,youevenmakeyourselfelgibleforsomeheavysocializingatthe
top.Bigwinnersmakeitsafeforeachothertoacceptinvitationstoplay
golf, spendthe weekend in their country homes, or relax by each others
pools.Theyknowtherewillbenosharksswimminginthewater,norazor
bladesburiedintheshrimpcocktail.

HowtoPrepareThemtoListentoYou
Once night, several years ago on a NewYork City street, I caught a

mantryingtobreakintoacar.Ishoutedforhimtostop.Insteadofbeing
content escaping, the burlywould-be burglar decided to retaliate.As he
raced past me, he shoved me down onto thecement and I cracked my
skullagainstthecurb.

Dizzily, I wobbled into the emergency room of a nearby hopital.

Holding an ice packagainst my throbbing head, I was grilled by the
emergency room triage nurse on my address,telephone, and social
security numbers, insurance carrier, policy number, ad naseam. Its as if
shehadsaid,Theheckwithyourcrackedskull.Youcantellmeaboutthat
later.Whatsyourinsurancenumber?

Dont bother me with that minutiae! All I wanted to do was tell

somebody,anybody,what happenedtome.Itwasntuntiltheveryendof
herruthlessandsadisticinterrogationthatsheasked,Sowhathappened?

I later told my sad story to a friend, Sue, a nurse who works in

admitting in anotheremergency room. She said, I know. I cant believe
they print the forms that way. Injuredpeople dont get to tell what
happenedtothemuntilthelastlineoftheform.Suesaidgetting crucial
numericaldetailsfrompeoplesufferingintheERwithbrokenbonesand
burnswasarealchallenge.Until,shesaid,

319
she switched her questioning around. Shed first ask them what

happened. Theyd tell her allaboutit.Shedlistensympathetically.Then,
shesaid,theywereonlytoohappytogivemetheinfomationIneeded.

Goodbossesunderstandthishumanneedtotalk.Robert,acolleague

ofminewhoownsasmallmanufacturingfirm,sayswheneveroneofhis
employeescomplainsaboutaproblem,heneverholdsthegripersfeetto
thefireforfactsfirst.Hehearstheemployeeoutcompletely.Heletshim
carry on about the cantakerous customer, the uncooperativecoworker.
Then, after hes gotten it off his chest, Robert says, I get the facts a lot
moreclearly.

WhenYouHaveImportantInformationtoImpart
Any kid working in a garage knows you cant pump more gas into a

full tank. Too muchtopping it off, and it splashes onto the cement.
Likewise, your listeners brain is alwaysfull of his or her own thoughts,
worries, and enthusiasms. If you pump your ideas intoyour listeners
brain,whichisfullofherownnotions,youllgetapollutedmixture,then
a spill. If you want your supersupreme ideas to flow into her tank
unpolluted,drainhertankcompletelyfirst.

Technique#86
EmptyTheirTanks
If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait

patiently untiltheir needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and
splashes on the cement. Its theonly way to be sure their tank is empty
enoughoftheirowninnernoisetostartreceivingyourideas.

HowtoPrepareThemtoListentoYou321
Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the

speakerfinishcompletelybeforeyoujumpin.Counttotenifyoumust.It
willseemlikeaneternity,butlettingtheflusteredfelowfinishistheonly
wayhellhearyouwhenitsyourturn.

Im Going to MakeYou Miserable BeforeYou Can Enjoy Being My

Customer

Companiesthatrunmail-orderoperationscouldtakeahintfromthis

technique. One reasonI enjoy ordering from L.L. Bean, a mail-order
clothing and sports-equipment outfit, isthey let me ask questions about
the wearable or widget I want first. They let me ramble onwith my
questionsaboutthequality,theavailablecoors,howitlooks,howitfeels,
how it smells, and how it works. Then, when Im all whacked up about
receiving my foursize-ten, red-and-chartreuse, soft, odorless widgets,
theytastefullyaskmycreditcardnumber.

Othercompanieshavefirstgrilledmeonthenumber,theexpiration

date, my customernumber (which I can never find on the back of the
catalogue),andhowoftenIveorderedfromtheminthepastbeforeIeven
get to fantasize about the wonderful widget I mightwant to buy from
them.Takesallthejoyoutofthepurchaseandsometimeskillsthesale.

Topcommunicatorsdomorethanjustletyoubabbleon.Theyusethe

nexttechniquewhileyoureintheprocessofdriblingdown.

HowtoTurnTheirAngerAround(inThreeSentencesorLess)
Emo is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame of

Cosmopolitan magazine. Emotranslated is Give more emotion! Once
Cosmopolitan asked me to write an article oncommunicaing sensitive
matters (most specifically advising young women on how to maketheir
boyfriends more passionate). I interviewed a passel of psychologists,

communicationsexperts, and sexologists. My draft came back from
CosmoallmarkedupwithMOREEMOscribbledoneverypage.

Icalledmyeditorandaskedwhatitmeant.ShesaidthatwasHelens

way of sayingdownplayallthatfactualstuffwiththesextherapistsand
so-calledexperts.Writeabouttheemotiontheyoungwomanfeelswhen
her boyfriend isnt passionate enough, the emtionthe accused male feels
whenconfronted,andtheemotionthecouplefeelsaboutdiscussingtheir
quandary.HelenGurleyBrown,acertifiedbigwinner,likedtohaveitall
and knewjust how to get it. Helen recognized, when the time is right,
reject the rational andempathize with the emotions. In other words,
smearontheemo.

Oh,No!HeMustHaveBeenMortified!
L.L.Beanrecentlysmearedemoalloverme.Severalmonthsago,my

friendPhilwantedtobuysometrousersandaskedforarec322

HowtoTurnTheirAngerAround(inThreeSentencesorLess)323
ommendation.Idraggedhimtomyclosettoshowhimthequaityand

construction of theL.L. Bean clothes. That convinced him, and Phil
orderedapairofnavy-bluedresstrousers.

Phil wore his brand new L.L. Bean pants for the first time on a big

date with a newgirlfriend at an elegant restaurant. While following the
ma”tredtothecozycornerboothwhichhedrequested,hisdatehappened
todrophereveningbag.Philpromptlybentovertopickitup.Riiiiiiip!
Rightdownthemidleseam.

Most of the diners facing Phils derriere mercifully looked away. A

few tittered. Phil,tugging the torn seams together to blaket his buns,
backedhiswayintothebooth.Thecoolupholsteryonhisbottomtherest
oftheeveningremindedhimofhishumiliation.

When I heard of Phils tribulations, I was furious at L.L. Bean. I

immediately called oneoftheircustomerserviceagents.Shesypathized
as I told her of Phils ordeal, but Iwas still simmering. She patiently
listened and even asked me details of the disaster.When I finished the
longsadstory,theagentsaid,Ohthatsterible.Iunderstand,your friend
musthavefeltawful.

Yes, he did, I agreed. He must have been mortified! she said. He

definitelywas,Isaid,surprisedatherexcellentgraspof

the situation.And you, when you heard about it.You must have felt

terrible,too,especiallyafteryoudrecommendedourproductssohighly.

Well,yourproductsusuallyareexcellent,Isaid,calmingdownabit.
Imsosorrywecausedyouthispainandaggravation,shesaid.
Oh,Iinterrupted.Itsnotyourfault.NowIwascopletelyappeased.It

musthavejustbeenaflukethatthisonepairofpantswas...

Technique#87
EchotheEmo
Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people

about an emotionalsituation, let them emote. Hear their facts but
empathize like mad with their emotions.Smearing on the emo is often
theonlywaytocalmtheiremotionalstorm.

Theresmoretothisstory,butletmepauseheretointerjecttheEcho

theEmotechnique.

The clever customer service rep not only emptied my tanks and

softened me up with Echo theEmo. She completely dissolved me with
thenexttechnique.

HowtoMakeEmLikeYou(EvenWhenYouveMessedUp)
The next day, UPS delivered not only the replacement slacks, but

tucked into the packagewas a handwritten apology and a hefty gift
certificate. Would I order from that company again? You bet I would.
WouldIrecommendtheirclothestosomeoneelse?YoubetIwould. Top
customer service folks welcome mistakes because they know it gives
theirfirmachancetoshine.Wheneveryoumessupandsomeonesuffers
because of it, make sure they come outahead, way ahead. I call the
techniqueMyGoof,YourGain.

Visitinganimportantclientsoffice,Ioncetrippedonarugandtooka

nose dive, makinga three-point landing in a vase on her desk. My nose
was spared but her vase shatteredinto smithereens. Two tubes of crazy
glue and lots of Where the heck does this piece golater, the vase was
backonherdesk,andweagreeditlookedprettygood.Nevertheless,the
nextdayIhadamessengerdeliverabeautifulvase,tentimesthevalueof
thealmost-totaledone,withadozenrosesinit.

Whenever we speak, my client tells me every time she looks at the

newvase,shesmiles.(Abetterincentivegiftthanapenwithyourname
on it, no?) The next time I visit heroffice, my client may hide some of
hermorevaluablebreakables.But,thankstoMyGoof,YourGain,there
willbeanexttime.

325
Technique#88
MyGoof,YourGain
Wheneveryoumakeaboner,makesureyourvictimbenefits.Itsnot

enough to correct yourmistake.Ask yourself, What could I do for this
sufferingsoulsoheorshewillbedelightedImadetheflub?Thendoit,
fast!Inthatway,yourgoofwillbecomeyourgain.

Now, suppose its not your boo-boo. Its theirs. How can you make

theirgoofyourgain?Readon.

HowtoTrapaRatwithClass
In Japan, some citizens prefer to lose their lives rather than to lose

face. InAmerica,thesamedeathwishexists,withonemodifiction.The
Yankdreamsofthedeathofthemortalwhomadehimloseface.

Whymakeenemies?Unlessitisyourobligationtocatchcheatersor

entrapliars,letthemgetawaywithit.Thenimmedatelygetthemoutof
yourlifeandthelivesyoureresponsiblefor.Evenwhenthecaseisopen
andshutagainstsomeonewhenyouvegottheratfinktrappedleavehiman
escapehatch.

ThebestexampleIheardofthishighsensitivitywasfromoneofmy

clients. She wasinvited to brunch at the home of a wealthy socialite
known as Lady Stephanie. LadyStephanies home was filled with
beautiful objets dart. Not the least among them was anexquisite
collection of extremely valuable FabergŽ eggs, which all the guests
admired.

At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told me she

was walking out the doorchatting with several other guests. Just then,
Lady Stephanie sidled up to one womanleavingatthesametimeasmy
client. Oh, Im so happy you were admiing my FabergŽcollection, Lady
Stephanie said, sliding her hand into the pocket of the guests mink coat

andpluckingoutoneof

327
her priceless eggs. You must have wanted to see this one in the

sunlight. Come, let uslook at it together. It does reflect the bright light
beautifully.

The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to see who

hadwitnessedhergentleentrapment.Myclientandeveryoneinthefoyer
sawwhathappened,buttookLadyStephaniesleadandpretendedna•vetŽ
oftheattemptedheist.

Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the sticky-

fingeredguestadmiredtheegginthesunlight.ThenLadyStephanie,with
her FabergŽ egg secured safely betweenher pefectly manicured fingers,
marchedhometoputthetreasureinitsrightfulplace.Theattemptedegg
snatcher crawled back to her car, from her last attendance at Lady
Stephanies coveted bashes. The hostess let the foiled filcher get away
withafewsliveredshredsofheregoleftintact.

WhydidLadyStephaniecomeoutahead?Everyonewhowinessedand

subsequently heardaboutthe thwarted burglary has renewed respect for
Lady Stephanie. Snaring the thief, yetsparing her pride, helped Lady
Stephaniekeepherreputationofhostesswiththemostest.

Why do big winners let bad-news people get away with bumers?

Because, like mothersconfronting naughty children to corect them,
confrontingcreepsisawayofsayingIcare.Byclosingyourmouth(and
then the door forever), you are saying, You are so beneath me Im not
goingtoevenwastemywordsonyou.

MeaCulpa!
Bigwinnersleaveanescapehatchforthesmallfoiblesoffriendsthey

wishtokeepbytakingtheblamethemselves.Ifafriendgetslostandis
an hour late arriving at yourhouse, tell her Those directions I gave you
wereterrible.HebreaksyourLimogesbowl?OhIshouldnthaveleftitin
suchaprecariousposition.Itsthe

HowtoTrapaRatwithClass329
oldmeaculparoutinethatendearsyoutoeveryone,especiallywhen

theyrealizeitwasntyourfault.

Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation for

grace.TheydemonstrateditlastyearinadowntownTorontodrugstore.A
shopper attempted to stroll out throughthe security system with a
purloined object in his pocket. Instead of a shrill alarmshattering all
shoppers eardrums, as in many American cities, a tasteful little chime
sounded.Acharmingvoicecameacrossthepublicaddress.Excuseus,we
havefailedtoinactivatetheinventorycontrolsystem.Thankyouforyour
patiencewhileyouwaitforacustomercarerepresentativetocomehelp
you. Isnt that a nicer way of saying Freeze,punk, while we come frisk
you?

Nowletsmoveontothenexttechniquetokeeppeoplefrommessing

upandtohelpthemgiveyoutheirverybest.

Technique#89
LeaveanEscapeHatch
Wheneveryoucatchsomeonelying,filching,exaggeating,distorting,

or deceiving, dontconfront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is your
responsibilitytocatchorcorrecttheculpritorunlessyouaresavingother
innocentvictimsbydoingsoletthetransgressoroutofyourtrapwithhis
trickypussinonepiece.Thenresolvenevertogazeuponitagain.

HowtoGetWhateverYouWantfromServicePersonnel
Acomplimentaryletteriscalledabuttercupbecauseitbuttersupthe

recipient.Buttercups are nice. Even nicer are buttercups about someone
totheirboss.

Ionceneededamassivephotocopyingjob.Itwassoimmensethatthe

assistant manager ofStaples office-supply store didnt think it could be
finished by the end of the week.Nevertheless, grudgingly, he grumbled,
Illtry.Inmyenthusiasmandhopehecould,Igushed,Wow,youregreat!
Whats your bosss name? Your supervisor should get a letter of
congratulationsonhiringyou.Youreallytryharderforyourcustomers.
To my astonisment, not only was my printing job done two days early,
buteverytimeIwalkintoStaples,theassistantmanagerrollsoutthered
carpet.

Hmm,Ibegantothink.Imaybeontosomething.Aprmatureletter

of commendation forfavors not yet received could be a clever tactic. I

decidedtocheckitoutwithafewheavyhitersonmyconsultationlist.

OnefellowIknow,Tim,atoptravelagent,isarealcan-doguy.He

gets anything hisfriends ask for in a finger snap. Hes the fellow to call
whenyouwanthard-to-gettheatertickets.Hesthe

330
HowtoGetWhateverYouWantfromServicePersonnel331
guyyoucallwhenyourairlinesaysthehotelisbookedortheflightis

oversold.

WhenItoldhimofmybuttercupexperience, Tim laughed and said,

Leil,ofcourse.Thisisnewstoyou?Acomplimentarylettertosomeones
bossor the promise of oneis a great insuance policy. Its as good as a
writtenriderthatyouwillbewelltakencareofinthefuture.

Now I have a standard one in my computer. The buttercup reads as

follows:

Dear[nameofsupervisor],
Iknowhowimportantcustomerserviceistoanorganizationsuchas

yours. This letter isto comend [name of employee]. He/She is an
example of an [employee title] who givesexceptional customer service.
[Nameofstoreorbusiness]continuestohavemybusinessthanksingreat
parttotheservicegivenby[nameofemployee].

Gratefully,[signature]
Ivesentthislettertosupervisorsofparkinglots,ownersofinsurance

companies, and tomanagers of dozens of stores where I shop regularly.
Im sure thats why I never need toworry about getting a parking place
whenthelotisfull,animmediatecallbackfrommyinsuranceagent,and
attentiveserviceatmyregularshopinghaunts.

But be careful! Dont just ask, Whats the name of your supervisor?

Hearing those words canmake an employee as nerous as a turkey in
November. Be sure to couch it in acompliment. Say something like,
Wow,youareterrific.Whatsyoursupervsorsname?Id liketowritehim
orheraletter.Thenwriteit!YoullforeverbeaVIPinhisorherbook.

Teechnique#90
ButtercupsforTheirBoss
Doyouhaveastoreclerk,accountant,lawfirmjuniorpartner,tailor,

auto mechanic,ma”tre d, massage therapist, kids teacheror any other
workeryouwantspecialattentionfrominthefuture?Thesurefirewayto
makethemcareenoughtogiveyoutheirverybestissendabuttercupto
theirboss.

ThenexttechniquetellsyouhowtostandoutasaVIPwhenyourein

agroup.

HowtoBeaLeaderinaCrowd,NotaFollower
During the McCarthy era, government spies infiltrated undeground

politicalralliestodeterminewhowasdangeroustonationalsecurity.The
agents were trained applausewatchers. They photographed and
investigated men who clapped first, shouted Bravo theloudest, and
smiled the longest at the end of politically inflammatory speeches. The
s p i e sdubbed those the dangerous ones. The infiltrators felt first
responders were confdentcats who had the power to persuade followers
andthecharismatoleadcrowds.

In less politically sensitive gatherings, the same principle applies.

Peoplewhorespondfirsttoapresentationorhappening,withoutlooking
around to see how everyone else isreacting, are men and women of
leadershipcaliber.

CoolCatsClapFirst
You are sitting in an auditorium with hundreds of fellow emploees

listening to thepresidentofyourfirmintroduceanewcocept.Asyoure
slouching anonymously in theaudience, you think your expression is
invisible to the man or woman at the podium. Notso! As a speaker, I
guaranteeyoueveryoneofmycolleagues

333
sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and every

emblemofextraordinaryhumanintelligenceflashingbackathimorher.

Likewise, the company president making a presentation aniously

surveys his corporatejungle and, from the pusses peering back at him,
senses which employees are sympatheticand which are not. He also
knowswhichintheseaoffacesfloatinginfrontofhimhasthepotential
tobeaheavyhitterlikehimself.How?

Becauseheavyhitters,evenwhentheydonotagreewiththespeaker,

support the podiumpontificator. Why? Because they know what its like
tobeon.Theyknow,nomatterhowbigorlitlethecatatthefrontofthe
room is, when giving a speech hes concerned aboutthe crowds
acceptance.

Whenthecompanybigshotdelivershislastline,carefullycontrived

to bring the crowdtoitsfeetoremployeestoacquiecence,doyouthink
hes unaware of who starts thetrickle, or the riptide, of acceptance? No
way!Thoughhisheadisdownwhiletakingabow,withtheinsightofa
McCarthy-eraspy,heperceives

Technique#91
LeadtheListeners
Nomatterhowprominentthebigcatbehindthepodiumis,crouched

insideisalittlescaredy-catwhoisanxiousaboutthecrowdsacceptance.

Big winners recognize youre a fellow big winner when they see you

leading their listenersin a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or
publicly commend the man or woman youagree with (or want favors
from).

HowtoBeaLeaderinaCrowd,NotaFollower335
preciselywhoinauguratedtheapplause,preciselyhowlongafterthe

last words wereuttered, and precisely how enthusiastically! Being the
firsttoputyourhandstogether,beingthefirsttojumptoyourfeet,and,
ifappropriate,beingthefirsttoshoutBravo,getsyoubigcatstatuswith
thetigerwhowastalking.

Be the first clapper no matter how small the crowd, no mater how

informalthetalk.Dontwaittoseehoweveryoneelseisgoingtorespond.
Even if its a small group of threeor four peple standing around, be the
first to empathize with the speakers ideas, thefirst to mutter good idea.
Itsproofpositiveyoureapersonwhotrustshisorherowninstincts.

HowtoMakeAlltheRightMoves
Any minute, any second, football fans know the score. Even

beeguzzlingBigGeorge,dozinginfrontoftheTVsetonfootballSunday
knows. Poke his pudgy pot, and in a wink,hell tell you whos winning,
whoslosing,andbypreciselyhowmanypoints.

KeyplayersinthegameoflifearelikeGeorge.Evenwhenyouthink

theyredozing,theyareconstantlyawareofthescorebetweenthemselves
and everyone in their lifefriends andfaily included! They know who is
winning,whoislosing,andbyhowmanypoints.

WhentwoJapanesebusinessmenmeet,itsobviouswhoisontop.You

measure it inmillimeters from how close to the floor their noses come
whenbowing.(Bottommansnosediveslower.)

InAmerica,wedonthavecarefullychoreographedbowsshowingthe

score in a relationship.But boys n girls in the busness big league know
whoistopdogandwhoisbottomdogtoday.(Itcanchangetomorrow.)

Bottom dog must curtsy deeper. He or she must show defeence.

Bottomdogmustoffertomeetattopdogsoffice,pickuptherestaurant
tab when appropriate, and be respectful oftop dogs time. If bottom dog
failstoshowtheproperdeference,hedoesnt

336
HowtoMakeAlltheRightMoves337
gethisnoserubbedintotheground.He simply disqualifies hiself to

barkinthebigleague.

Thats what happened to my girlfriend Laura, who had deveoped the

healthy milkshake.(Remember her from Instant Replay?) When we last
left Laura, she was blowing her chanceswith Fred, the top banana of a
supermarket chain, by grilling him for details of hismailing address,
complaining her pen was out of ink, maing him wait while she got
another,writingnumbersdownwrong,adnauseam.

I didnt tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous enough to

invite Laura to sendhim samples of her health shake, she dropped
another bomb by asking him which shippingservice she should use. He
must have said FedEx because I heard Laura say, Well, my milkshake
needstostayrefrigerated.DoesFedExhaverefrigeratedtrucks?

At this point I knew she had strangled the deal by her own phone

chord.SheshouldntnudgeSupermarketCzarwithdinkyshippingdetails.
In fact, Laura should be so grateful, sheshould personally deliver the
drinkthenextdayrollingitallthewaytohissupermarketwithhernoseif
need be. Laura was obviously not aware of The Great Scorecard in the
Sky.ThatdaythetallywasFredeverything,Lauranothing.

Bigwinnersbeforeputtingpentopaper,fingerstokeboard,mouthto

phone,orhandtosomeoneelsestoshakeitdoaquickcalculation.They
askthemselvesWhohasthemosttobenefitfromthisrelationship?What
haseachofusdonerecentlythatdemandsdeferencefromtheother?And
whatcanIdotoeventhescore?

FriendsKeepTabsToo
The Great Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over

busnesspeople.Iffamilymembersandfriendslookcarefullyovertheir

lovedonesheads,theyllspotit.And,likeanover-the-counterstock,it

goes up or downevery day. When you mess up, you have to even your
scorebydoingmorefortheonewhodidnt.Tokeeplovealive,keepyour
eyeonTheGreatScorecardintheSky.

Severalmonthsago,ImetanicechapnamedCharlesatacovention.

Westarteddiscussingourfavoritefoods.Hiswashommadelinguinewith
pesto sauce. I likedCharles and I make a mean pesto sauce. The
remarkable coincidence of these two elementsemboldened me to invite
him to dinner at my place. Great, he said. We set it for seven-thirty the
followingTuesday.

Tuesdayafternoon,Ibeginpreparationsforthebigdate.Thecuckoo

clock on the wallmonitored my progress.At five cuckoos, I run to the
storetofindpinenuts.Bysixcuckoos,Imbackhomegrindingbasiland
garlic. At seven cuckoos, Im folding napkins,setting the table, pulling
out fresh candles. Whoops, running late. I change clothes andspruce
myself up. When seven-thirty strikes, I am all ready. The pesto and I
awaithisarrival.

Eight oclock rolls around and no friend. Well, I figure, Ill open the

wineandletitbreathe.AnotherhourpassesandnoCharles.Thecuckoo
callsmecuckooninetimesnow.Ibegintobelievethebird.Itisevident
Charlesisntcoming.Ihavebeenstoodup.

The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a

semiplausible excuse. His carbroke down. Gee, Im sorry, I said. (I
wantedtosay,DidMartianscaptureyou?Wereyou tranportedtoanother
planet where there were no phones to call me? I resisted thesarcasm.)
However,hedidsoundcontritesoIwasalmostwillingtoforgetit.Until

hisnextquestion.

HeobviouslywasntawareofhowhedslippedinTheGreatScorecard

intheSkybecause,insteadofinvitingmeforlinguinewithpestoatafine
Italian restaurant to make up forhis blooper, he asked, When can we
rescheduleatyourhouse?

Never,Charlie.
HowtoMakeAlltheRightMoves339
Technique#92
TheGreatScorecardintheSky
Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their

heads. The numberscontinually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player
withlowerscorepaysdeferencetoplayerwithhigherscore.Thepenalty
for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard inthe Sky is to be
thrownoutofthegame.Permanently.

YourDestiny
Weve met many people in How to Talk to Anyone. A few of their

names are changed, but eachis very real. Recently, I decided to track
down some of the folks with whom Id crossedpaths over the years. I
wantedtoseewhattheyreuptonow.

Laura,myoldfriendwhodreamedofmilkshakemillionsbutignored

the Supermarket Czarsscorecard, is now back at her day job. Sam, who
ruffled me by not revealing he wanted metospeakforhisorganization,
no longer has one. Sonny, who hounded his brother-in-laws cousin by a
too-quickcall,isstillpumpinggas.Tania,whoinsistedonimmediatetit
fortat,nolongerhasthatterrificjobatthetalentagency.PoorJane,the
mail-room clerkwho confronted her boss at the Christmas party five
years ago, is still wrapping packages.And Dan, who left the prolonged
inspirational message on his phone, now has an unlistednumbernot a
goodsignforanaspiringspeaker.

Whereas Barry who asks everyone he calls, What Color Is Your

Time? was recently chosenBroadcaster of the Year by the National
AssociationofTalkShowHosts.Joe,whokeepsnoteofeveryoneonhis
BusinessCardDossier,isnowastatesenator.

Jimmi, the expert at Eyeball Selling, was recently written up in

Success magazine. Steve,whose staff insinuates Oh Wow, Its You! to
every caller, is one of the most requestedspeakers on the cable circuit.
Tim, the can-do guy who gets what he wants from worersin every
industry by writing Buttercups for Their Boss, now owns the travel
agency. And Gloria, my hairdresser who gives the great Nutshell
RŽsumŽ, recently opened a salon on NewYorks fashionable Fifth
Avenue.

Doesthismeantosaythatjustbecausethefirstfolksirkedmeanda

fewotherstheywereexiledtoahumdrumexistence?Andthelattergroup
whomadepeoplesmilewouldattaingreatheights?Ofcoursenot.Those
isolatedmomentsoftheirlivesweexaminedwerebutonemoveofmany
theymadeeachday.

Butconsider:ifyouhadbeenwhowasruffledbyLaura,Sam,Sonny,

Tania, Jane, or Danand they called you, would you feel like extending
yourself for them? Probably not. Thememory of their ragged dealing
wouldstillsmart.

WhereasifyouheardfromBarry,Joe,Jimmi,Steve,Tim,orGloria,

happy memories of yourexchange would flood over you.Youd want to
dowhateveryoucouldforthem.

Multiply your response by many thousands. As we said in the

introduction, nobody gets tothe top alone. Over the years, the smooth
moves of these big winners have captured thehearts and conquered the
mindsofhundredsofpeoplewhohelpedboostthemrungbyrungtothe
topofwhateverladdertheychose.

How does one become an instinctive smooth mover rather than a

raggedriderthroughlife?Theanswerbecameblindinglyclearonesnowy
day last winter. Lumbering along a neatlygroomed track on cross-
country skis, I spotted a Nordic skier swiftly striding toward mein the
same trail. I didnt need to observe his high kick or his snazzy diagonal
polingtoletmeknowIwasobstructingthepathofapro.

HowtoMakeAlltheRightMoves341
Whilemusteringtheenergytolugmythrobbinglegsoutofthetrack

so Super Skier couldsoar past, he deftly sidestepped out of the groove,
leavingthegroomedtrailallforme.Ashewhizzedtowardme,heslowed

slightly, smiled, nodded, and said, Good morning,beautiful day for
skiing,isntit?

I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were equals on

the snow!). I knew hewas not thinking Hey look at me. Here I am! but
Ahh,thereyouare.Letmemakeroomforyou.

As I implied in the opening words of this book, the diffeence in the

lifesuccessbetweenthosetwotypesofthinkersisincalculable.

WhywasSuperSkierabletopulloffhismovesogracefully?Washe

born with the skill?No. His was a deliberate move that grew out of
practice.

Practiceisalsothefountainheadofallsmoothcommunictionsmoves.

Excellence is notasingleandsolitaryaction.Itistheoutcomeofmany
yearsofmakingsmallsmoothmoves,tinyonesliketheninety-twolittle
tricksweveexploredinHowtoTalktoAnyone. Thesemovescreateyour
destiny.

Remember,repeatinganactionmakesahabit.Yourhabitscreateyour

character. And your character is your destiny. May success be your
destiny.