1

USE THIS NOW

An Action Book

N

EGOTIATING

C

ONFLICT

:

L

EADERSHIP

I

N

T

IMES

O

F

C

RISIS

By Mark Peysha and Cloé Madanes

Based On the Strategic Interventions

Of Anthony Robbins

A portion of the proceeds from this product will be donated

to the New York Times 9/11 Neediest Cases Fund.

2

FOREWORD

Welcome to this action book for Negotiating Conflict: Leadership In Times Of Crisis.
Here you will find strategies for applying the tools you saw in the film to real-life
challenges you face every day.

When was the last time you were with people when bad news hit? Or someone you know
had an emotional reaction that they couldn’t seem to shake? Or two people got locked
into a disagreement due to lack of trust? Have you ever been with a group of people who
just can’t clarify what they’re after? If so, you will appreciate this powerful strategy for
taking leadership of your group by asking individuals to act on their own highest values.
You will find this strategy in Stage 1: Redefine the Situation: The Mandates of
Leadership (pages 6–10) and Stage 2: Creating Community by Appealing to Higher
Values (pages 11–12).

Have you ever spoken with someone with an amazingly different viewpoint from your
own? Did you have tools and approaches for understanding that difference? Stage 3:
Analyze Individual Reactions will be of interest to therapists, interviewers, and anyone
who wants a fresh perspective on what makes people tick (pages 13–16). Stage 4:
Discuss and Compare World Views contains tips on understanding others’ differences
and features a deeper analysis of Robbins’ intervention style (pages 17–20).

Have you ever seen a partnership, a negotiation, or a business transaction go to the dogs
due to prejudices, different communication styles, or a mere lack of trust? Stage 5:
Indirect Negotiation contains a powerful and unique approach to building mutual
empathy and common goals between members of opposite "teams" (pages 21–27).

The premise for this Intelligent Series of films and action books is the fact that a single
conversation can radically change your life, your career, and your relationships. Are there
conversations in your life that have been waiting to happen, maybe for a long time? Odds
are that if you’re being honest, the answer is yes! Whom would you approach right now,
if you felt you had the ability? What conversation would you have today? Let’s tap the
full resources of your relationships right now.

Warmly,

Mark Peysha and Cloé Madanes

3

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION: WHEN THE NEWS IS BAD ....................................................... 5

STAGE 1: REDEFINE THE SITUATION: THE MANDATES OF LEADERSHIP

Question One: Who needs help?............................................................................. 6

Question Two: What should be done?.................................................................... 6

Question Three: What’s in my control? ................................................................. 7

Question Four: What can I do right now? ............................................................. 7

USE THIS NOW: Understand the Logic of Leadership............................................ 7

STAGE 2: CREATING COMMUNITY BY APPLEAING TO HIGHER VALUES

USE THIS NOW: Create the Emotions of Leadership............................................ 11

STAGE 3: ANALYZE INDIVIDUAL REACTIONS

Model of the World ............................................................................................... 13

The Six Human Needs ........................................................................................... 14

USE THIS NOW: Analyze Individual Reactions.................................................... 15

STAGE 4: DISCUSS AND COMPARE WORLD VIEWS

Three-Step Intervention........................................................................................ 17

Asad and Tony: A Conversation........................................................................... 18

USE THIS NOW: Share and Discuss Reactions..................................................... 20

4

STAGE 5: INDIRECT NEGOTIATION

Seven Steps of Indirect Negotiation ...................................................................... 21

1. Introduce a Meta-frame .................................................................................. 21

USE THIS NOW: Introduce a Meta-frame....................................................... 22

2. Clarify Individual Questions........................................................................... 23

USE THIS NOW: Clarify Individual Questions ............................................... 24

3. Block Direct Communication.......................................................................... 24

4. Individual Internal Negotiation ...................................................................... 24

5. Listening and Taking Notes............................................................................. 26

6. Indirect Agreement.......................................................................................... 26

7. Direct Agreement............................................................................................. 27

VIDEO INDEX ........................................................................................................... 28

5

INTRODUCTION: WHEN THE NEWS IS BAD

When was the last time you received some bad news that sent you into a spin? Not just
disappointing news – the kind of bad news that threatens your security, your
relationships, and even your identity? This could be the news of losing a friend, or a job,
or being forced to relocate away from one’s loved ones. For a family, it could be a
serious illness, a natural disaster, or an accident where somebody gets hurt. In a business,
it could be any of the hundreds of things that can go wrong to threaten a company’s
future – you lose your best account, a key employee leaves, or the warehouse burns
down. It’s a fact of life that unexpected losses happen without being anybody’s fault.
When bad news hits, you can use the methods in this booklet to bring people together to
face the problem in the best possible way – without having to resort to anger, fear, or
disappointment. These methods also apply to situations in which people have conflicting
views and need to resolve their differences, be it in a family, an organization, or a
community.

These methods can also be used in situations in which an individual or a group is
responsible for wrongdoing – for instance; when the executives of a company have
engaged in illegal insider trading or a parent has abused a child. People still have to come
together to face problems in the best possible way, but in addition to the methods
presented here, an apology and reparation are needed. The method for engaging in
apology and reparation will be the subject of another film and action book in the
Intelligent Series.

When the news of the terrorist attacks reached Hawaii on September 11, 2001, many of
the participants of Anthony Robbins’ conference almost didn’t attend that day. Many
people were stunned, and others wanted to stay in their rooms, making phone calls or
watching TV. Factions formed. Some people were physically and verbally attacking
others. At times it seemed unsafe to be out on the hotel grounds where the conference
was held. People suspended their expectations for the day, and it seemed impossible to
believe that the group could meet and create any kind of relevant meaning to the event. In
order to engage the group’s interest, cooperation, and full emotional resources, Robbins
followed certain steps – the Mandates of Leadership – to enlist the full commitment of
every individual and thus build the strongest possible group. In times of crisis, human
reactions follow predictable patterns. A leader’s job is to understand and anticipate those
patterns and to move people in the direction of service. These steps of the Mandates of
Leadership will help you to take an effective leadership position when things go really
wrong – wherever you may be.

6

STAGE 1: REDEFINE THE SITUATION: THE MANDATES OF LEADERSHIP

The basis of the Mandates of Leadership is to empower people to do what they think is
right while also anticipating the reasons, beliefs, and emotions that prevent people from
doing what is right. Robbins enlists the group’s support by asking a series of questions
that pertain to every individual in the room.

Question One: Who needs help?

Following a shock, most people will magnify the pain of what happened. This response is
useful when it prepares a person to prevent future problems, but it is destructive when the
person becomes preoccupied with his or her own emotions. The first step in creating a
leadership situation is to invite each person to find or imagine someone who is more in
need than him– or herself – someone who, in fact, needs help. Reframing the experience
this way is the first step toward bringing various individual emotions under control for a
common purpose. Anthony Robbins (AR) compels the group to ask empowering
questions.

AR

So this is emotional mastery, an opportunity for us to figure out what do
you focus on, what does this mean, and what do you do? From a
leadership perspective, I think the first focus has to be who needs to be
served and cared for. My first focus is: Who is directly affected by this?
There are people in this room who are directly affected by this, and I
think the hearts of everyone here go out to you, and our love is there for
you. But more than just our love, we want to do everything we can to
support you personally.

Question Two: What should be done?

Most people in the room would have liked to have been able to help, and it was obvious
that there was need for help in New York. Robbins takes the stand that action is
necessary. This leaves us with the question: What can we do?

AR

There are all kinds of things to focus on, there are all kinds of meanings
that will create emotions, and there are all kinds of actions. I think as
leaders our responsibility is to 1) focus on who we can help and 2) find
an empowering meaning in anything life gives you. If you don’t find an
empowering meaning, then what you’re really doing is indulging,
especially if it doesn’t affect you directly.

Robbins argues for tolerance for the diversity of reactions. But which of these reactions
are worthwhile in the long run? There are short-term emotional patterns, such as shock,
fear, and anger, which everybody is prone to experience in a crisis situation. On the other
hand, there are long-term emotional patterns that could be strengthened to serve a greater
purpose. While all individuals are welcome to experience their “short term emotions” for
as long as they feel is appropriate, Robbins asks that they take action by investigating the
sources of those emotions.

7

Question Three: What’s in my control?

Now Robbins comes to what he calls utilization: the practice of precisely identifying
your sphere of influence and the resources at your disposal. For many participants, the
fact that they couldn’t help those in New York led to a feeling of helplessness. Like one
New York physician who spoke that day, many participants thought... “If I can’t be in
New York, what good am I?” When people feel that direct action is blocked, they tend to
compensate with an emotional response, such as guilt, fear, or anger. Often, instead of
helping in small, tangible ways, they end up having an emotional breakdown. The
question is: What is the full range of my influence in this situation?

Robbins first identifies pathways of direct action: A blood drive and a special
communications and counseling center will help those directly affected in the short term.
Next, Robbins identifies a pathway of indirect action. After the event is over, the
participants will all go home, where they will find opportunities to act. The purpose of
the day is to prepare for that opportunity. Utilization always begins with right here, right
now. Using this event as a stimulus, what can the participants discover and change about
themselves to bring out their fullest ability to do what’s right?

Question Four: What can I do right now?

The first step in leadership is to see things the way they are, that is, the reality of one’s
reactions. The next step is to create an expanded vision of what one would ideally do in
this situation in order to work for the greater good. The third step is to create whatever
emotion or momentum is necessary to bring the greater good to reality.

AR

I believe that caring needs to be reflected in action. And the way that
action can happen is an empowering meaning. If I think you’re
indulging, I’m going to keep asking you what needs you’re meeting by
doing this. If you’re taking action, you’ll have my total support. We’re
going to change the entire format of this day, and we’re going to use this
as a phenomenal tool for emotional mastery.

USE THIS NOW: Understand the Logic of Leadership

1. Who needs help?

Each person should identify someone who is more in need than he or she
personally is. Those people most directly affected are the focus of care;
everybody else has a duty to serve.

EXERCISE: Imagine yourself in one of the following circumstances. You may
have experienced these in the past or may experience them in the future. Who
would be in need of help? Why? What are they likely to need? What would you
want to know?

8

• Your company is downsizing. You were spared.

•

The patriarch in your family has died. There are disputes about the will.

• Your town has suffered a natural disaster.

2. What should be done?

Focus on your own sphere of influence – your ability to help directly and your
ability to master the meanings you create – in the hope of becoming more skillful
and of greater help in the future.

EXERCISE: What should be done – by someone, if not you – in the following
situations?

• A nearby neighborhood has been suggested as a possible dump site.

• News reports that a hurricane is heading for your town.

• A friend is undergoing sudden financial problems.

3. What’s in my control?

Serving the greater good means not getting excessively sad or mad about things
that are out of your control.

EXERCISE: What lies within your control? Mark this with a “++.” What is out
of your control but within your range of influence? Mark this with “+.” What can
you neither influence nor control? Mark this with a “Z” for zero. There are no
“correct” answers – only what is true for you.

• My emotional reaction

• My motivation in responding to a crisis

• My breathing, language, focus

• What happened before now

• What is happening now

• What will happen to me in the future

• What I will do in the future

9

• What others will do in the future

• What others will do to me

• Circumstances within physical reach

• Circumstances far away

• Other people’s emotional reactions

• Other people’s motivations

• Other people’s appreciation for my efforts

WITHIN MY CONTROL (+ +)
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

WITHIN MY INFLUENCE (+)
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

UNCONTROLLABLE (Z)
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

4. What can I do right now?

•

See things and yourself as they are.

• See things and yourself as better than they are (at their real potential).

• Bring things and yourself to their real potential.

10

EXERCISE: Find the hidden opportunity in the following scenarios. What would
you do? What beliefs do you have that stand in the way of seeing problems as
opportunities?

•

You were unexpectedly laid off.

• Your house burned down.

• Your best friend is getting divorced.

• An airplane has hit the World Trade Center.

What surprised you about your reaction to these scenarios? What beliefs came up?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

11

STAGE 2: CREATING COMMUNITY BY APPEALING TO HIGHER VALUES

In order to move people into the emotions of leadership, it is important to start with a
theme that is familiar and obtainable by everybody and only then to stretch that feeling to
include other people and experiences. Robbins begins with a feeling of gratitude – which
everyone in the room should be able to feel at some level, since they themselves had been
spared – and gradually moves the sense of appreciation to include humanity as a whole.

AR

It’s usually after great pain that people begin to make new choices or
begin to appreciate things they had begun to take for granted, like basic
freedoms. This can truly serve. It’s up to us whether it does or not. You
must create a vision of something greater. See it as it is and see it better
than it is. And make it the way you now see it. That’s what a leader does.
They create a vision for more, and they bring the emotion that is missing.
If you bring the same emotion as everyone else, you’ve done nothing to
lead; you’ve just followed.

Throughout this talk, Robbins gives a variety of reasons for stepping up and taking
responsibility for others, as well as a variety of reasons why it is unsatisfactory to hold
back emotionally.

AR

A real leader is here to serve, not their own needs but the greater good,
and in so doing, their needs are met as well. You can’t give strength to
someone else unless you have it inside you. You can’t give love to someone
else unless you’ve given it to yourself. And you sure can’t create an
exciting life if the only time you can be excited is when there are no
problems. If you’re waiting for a time when there are no problems, there
is no pain, there is no tragedy, and there is no injustice before you
celebrate, then you’re never going to celebrate again as long as you live,
or you’re going to have to focus only on a very small part of the world.
Don’t be selective in your caring. Don’t be selective in your pain. Create
gratitude now – from that place, there will be more of you to give.

USE THIS NOW: Create the Emotions of Leadership

1. Engage the participants’ full emotional capacity by engaging their bodies.

Physical participation – walking, dancing, or playing games – is a great way to
help people process their emotions and thoughts. In other circumstances, team-
building exercises will break down barriers of judgment and propriety.

EXERCISE: What suggestions could you make in the following circumstances
that would help you and others process better by engaging your bodies?

• A business meeting covering the subject of falling profits.

12

• Family members reviewing a will.

• A family having to decide about a business relocation.

• Your boss calling you to his or her office for an unknown reason.

2. Find a common emotional basis.

On 9/11, everyone in the room had been spared and is therefore justified in
feeling gratitude for being alive. This basic appreciation should be stretched to
include others’ well-being and the experiences of all.

EXERCISE: What common emotional basis could you find in the following
circumstances? What are some negative commonalities people might start with?
How could you suggest some more productive common emotions for the group?

• Family members reviewing a will.

• The company having lost its CEO.

• Your cousin’s house is burning.

3. Find and encourage reasons for stepping up to a leadership position.

Also, find and discourage reasons for not stepping up. This can be accomplished
through team-building exercises that encourage participants to give their all.

EXERCISE: Choose one of the following situations. Would you or would you
not step up to a position of responsibility? Think of three possible reasons for
stepping up, three possible reasons for not getting involved, and three critical
questions you would ask in order to make the decision. What emotions came up
for you?

• A friend is filing for bankruptcy because of his divorce.

• Your boss is leaving the company.

• A hurricane is heading for your town.

• Your siblings are in an inheritance dispute.

4. Ask hypothetical questions about each individual’s ability to contribute to

their own future and to that of the group.

Asking a hypothetical question presumes that change is possible.

13

STAGE 3: ANALYZE INDIVIDUAL REACTIONS

Emotional mastery focuses on the individual’s capacity for creating meaning. This does
not mean merely overriding your negative thoughts by means of willpower or “positive
thinking.” Rather, one gains emotional mastery by becoming more aware of the system
one is already using to create meaning. As you come to understand this system, you will
recognize voluntary components, which you will increasingly see as opportunities for
making new choices. This is the first step toward creating empowering emotional
resources that can be directed to serve your own personal development and the good of
the group.

The goal of this section is to describe the tools that you can use to understand your
“model of the world,” your master system for creating meaning. Understanding your
model of the world begins with reexamining a time when you experienced a strong
emotional reaction to a stimulus. That stimulus, in this case, is the first moment in which
you learned about that morning’s news.

AR:

What did you focus on when you first thought about this, when you first
heard it (and you probably had several things)? You focused on one
thing and then another and then another. Is that true? And then as you
focused on it, what meaning did you give to that? And then what did you
decide out of that? Did you decide you have to be more careful? Did you
decide you have more faith? Did you decide to put things in balance?
Did you decide to be more grateful? Did you decide to give some blood?
What did you decide before we talked this morning? I want to know how
you processed initially, what you focused on, what meaning you gave,
what you did in your head, what actions you took?

Each individual’s model of the world follows a particular logic, leading from questions,
to one’s accustomed values and needs, to a meaning, and then to an emotion and action.

MODEL OF THE WORLD

• Stimulus prompts questions

• Questions, values, and needs guide focus

• Focus leads to meaning

• Meaning produces emotional reaction

• Emotional reaction leads to action

14

THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS

Robbins’ Human Needs Psychology is based on the premise that human motivation can
be explained by means of six universal human needs:

1. Certainty

Everybody wants stability when it comes to their basic necessities – food, shelter,
and other material resources. In addition, everyone needs a basic sense of security
about family, finances, work, and relationships, among other things.

2. Uncertainty/Variety

People have a need to change their state, to exercise their body and emotions.
Therefore, they seek variety through a number of means – stimuli, change of
scene, physical activity, mood swings, entertainment, food, etc.

3. Significance

Everybody needs to feel special and important in some way. People will seek
significance through obtaining recognition from others or from themselves. When
people feel insignificant, they may make themselves feel significant by getting
angry. They may also meet their needs paradoxically, by having others recognize
the significance of their insignificance.

4. Connection/Love

Humans need to feel connected with someone or something – a person, an ideal, a
value, a habit, a sense of identity. Connection may take the form of love or merely
of intense engagement – for instance, one can feel connected by engaging in an
aggressive interaction.

5. Growth

Everything in the universe is either growing or dying – there is no third
alternative. People are not spiritually satisfied unless their capacities are
expanding.

15

6. Contribution

Just as people cannot survive without others contributing in some way to their
welfare (no baby grew up on his or her own), they cannot be spiritually fulfilled
unless they are contributing to others as well.

Even though all of us have the same basic human needs, the order of importance varies.
For some, security might be essential, while for others, it’s variety or significance.

The first four of these needs are primary biological drives that must be met in some form,
whether through positive or negative behavior. For instance, one can meet one’s need for
significance (feeling worthy and special) by building something (positive) or by tearing
something or someone down (negative). The human nervous system will interpret both of
these behaviors as sources of significance, even though one is sustainable and good for
the individual and the other is destructive and leads to harm. An individual makes
progress by finding positive ways of meeting personal needs and by moving beyond the
first four needs, which are the needs of the personality, to the last two needs, growth and
contribution, which are a source of spiritual satisfaction.

USE THIS NOW: Analyze Individual Reactions

EXERCISE: Think of a time when you received extremely shocking news that
affected your living situation. What time of day was it? Where were you? Were you
with someone? What had you just been doing and thinking? What had you been
hoping for and expecting to happen in your life? Who else was involved with your
hopes and expectations?

Now ask yourself the following questions, and write a response as quickly as you can.

1. What questions did you ask yourself?

Write five to ten questions first; then circle the one that was most forceful.

2. What did you focus on?

Where did you put your attention? What came up as an issue? What was your
possible action or reaction? Who was in your thoughts?

3. What values and needs were met in that focus?

When was another time you received a similar shock? Did you react differently
then, or was your experience similar? Which of the six needs was most prominent
– Certainty, Uncertainty/Variety, Significance, Connection/Love, Growth,

16

Contribution? Look at your questions again from question 1. Which needs were
you trying to meet by asking them?

4. What meaning did you create?

What thoughts went through your mind, and what did you tell yourself?

5. What emotion was there?

How did you feel? Name five to ten emotions; then circle the two most prominent
ones. Do the emotions “go together,” or were some of them in conflict? If there
was conflict, there was a choice to be made. What was the choice?

6. What did you decide on the basis of this process?

At one moment you gave the shock a single emotional reality; before that the
reality had options. Write four different sentences starting with the phrase “This
could mean that…”

How different are they? What would you have to believe first before coming up
with these?

17

STAGE 4: DISCUSS AND COMPARE WORLD VIEWS

Now that participants have analyzed their personal reactions to the event, Robbins guides
them through an experience of diversity. By describing their own experience to others,
and listening to each other’s descriptions, each person becomes aware that one’s
emotional reaction to the attacks was shaped by one’s exact combination of questions,
values, and needs – each person’s model of the world. Once you recognize that your
emotions were based on decisions you’ve made in the past, you will realize that your
future emotions can be altered by making different decisions today of what to focus on.
This recognition that your emotional reality exists only in yourself prompts a sense of
ownership and responsibility for the meanings you create. Robbins gives specific
instructions on how to experience other people’s models of the world.

AR:

There is no bad or good here. This is about authentically knowing how
you will react to situations. You might look at somebody and be upset
they’re not reacting the way you’re reacting, but no one is going to react
exactly the way you are going to react, except somebody who has your
exact model of the world. If you limit your life to people who share all of
your same beliefs and values and rules, you’d better put yourself on a
tiny little island with very few people. To be part of humanity, you have
to appreciate all of these points of view and then allow some of them to
influence you as we talk about this.

THREE-STEP INTERVENTION

After the group discussion, Robbins engages in one-on-one conversations with audience
members, focusing on their original experience, what they’ve learned, and what they
could still learn in order to perform at their highest level. These conversations follow
three steps:

1. Identify the person’s most highly valued needs, desires, beliefs, and rules.

To influence a person, you must understand what already influences him or her,
and your communication must reflect that understanding. This will become the
basis for helping the person to change in the direction he or she wants to change.

2. Identify the meaning the person associates with a possibility of taking steps

toward change, i.e. the person’s barrier to progress.

Whenever a person fails to act on his or her best knowledge and with their best
ability, it is because he or she fears an emotional consequence. It is essential to
identify this barrier and to understand what the person fears losing.

18

3. Interrupt the old pattern of meaning or emotion and provide a new

alternative that more effectively meets the needs of the individual or the
group.

If a person fails to act on their convictions because they fear losing love, it is
important to find a way that the person will gain even more love by doing what’s
right. If a person fears that he or she will lose comfort by taking action, show how
action will lead to comfort and inaction will lead to discomfort. Ultimately, the
behaviors that are most sustainable lead to growth and contribution and are also
those that satisfy the individual’s needs most completely.

ASAD AND TONY: A CONVERSATION

Asad:

My first reaction was, as a Muslim, hey this is retribution. That was kind
of a feeling. It wasn’t a judgment like, yeah, this is great. It was kind of
like a feeling of maybe camaraderie or understanding. Like someone is
going to understand where Muslims are coming from when they do
things like this wherever they do it in the world. And then the second
thing was, for me it was, I wish I could be there so that, you know,
maybe I could just hold somebody’s hand, or maybe I could sit by
somebody. Whatever level of contribution I could give, I wish I could do
that.

AR:

When you said that people would understand where Muslims are coming
from, help us understand, because I don’t know if people will. I don’t
know if people will look at that and say, “Okay, now I know the pain
they have been through and that’s what is driving them.” Why don’t you
give us your perspective?

Without disagreeing with Asad, Robbins asks him to expand on his thought. This is step
one of the intervention: to identify Asad’s model of the world.

Asad:

Okay. During the Gulf War, it was about nothing except money, oil.
That’s all it was about. It wasn’t about Saddam Hussein; it wasn’t about
any of that. It was about oil. That’s what it was about. And in the
American newspapers, I don’t think anybody ever remembers reading
how many people, innocent people, died in Iraq. They had this thing
where we’ve got smart bombs, and we’ve got smart this and smart that,
but the only people who died, most of the people who died, were
civilians: children, women, old men. And a lot of people who actually
went to fight were civilians in soldiers’ clothes.

AR: How

that

relates to you for this bombing is…? Do you see the diverse

reactions within him? He wants to be there to hold somebody’s hand,
but he also understands why it happens, which means he has conflicting

19

triads within himself in terms of the experience. How many see this?
Now what he has is the courage to express what he really feels in an
environment where it wouldn’t be very popular. So explain to us how
that relates in terms of this bombing for you. You see the injustice
happen there, and so it’s like what comes around goes around kind of
thing? Or karma? Or…what’s the relationship for you? That first
reaction you had?

Robbins asks Asad to relate his general political opinion to his specific emotional
reaction that day. In pointing out a diversity of reactions in Asad – the fact that he is split
between the desire for retribution and the desire to help the victims – Robbins has
identified an emotional obstacle that prevents Asad from following either direction in an
effective way. Identifying Asad’s emotional obstacle to progress is step two in the
intervention. Notice that Robbins will not question Asad’s feelings of compassion.
Instead, Robbins goes for the logical basis of Asad’s belief in the necessity of retribution.

Asad:

My first reaction was simply that somebody else will understand my
feeling of frustration and maybe…

AR:

What’s the feeling of frustration based on? Because I doubt seriously if
many people will understand that frustration because of this. I think
what they will probably do is want to retaliate, just the way you fear. I
doubt seriously that that event will cause people to understand…

Asad:

Absolutely, I agree with that.

AR: I

think that’s why so much violence all over the world has been

perpetrated in the Middle East, in Bosnia, and all these places. It’s
because what people do is they take the pain they have and they decide
the way to get rid of it is to give it back to somebody else.

Asad:

Exactly. That’s exactly what I mean.

By asking Asad to follow his own train of thought, Robbins is able to find a logical gap
between Asad’s sense of retribution and what he wants to accomplish for his people. The
desire for retribution only leads to further violence, as proven throughout history. The
wish for revenge cannot help the disenfranchised in Iraq and Pakistan. Asad accepts this
new belief. This is the beginning of step three of the one-on-one intervention, where
Robbins provides a new sustainable alternative – in this case, a new belief about
violence. Asad has experienced a deconstruction of his belief in violence, though only on
an intellectual level. In the indirect negotiation, Asad will deconstruct this problem belief
on an emotional level. This will lead Asad to relate more and more to his compassionate
impulses.

20

USE THIS NOW: Share and Discuss Reactions

Purpose of Discussion: Having analyzed their emotional patterns, participants:

• Seek out an experience of diversity.

• Observe the relationship between their model of the world and their emotional

reaction.

• Experience different people’s reactions without being judgmental.

• Take full ownership of the meanings they create, since their particular model of

the world is unique.

• Realize that since their immediate reactions are based on decisions they have

made in the past (decisions about what questions to ask, what values and needs to
pursue, etc.), their future reactions will be based on their present decisions.

Three stages of one-on-one intervention

1. Identify the person’s most highly valued needs, desires, beliefs, and rules.

2. Identify the meaning the person associates with the possibility of taking steps

toward change. That meaning is the barrier to progress.

3. Interrupt the old pattern of meaning or emotion, and provide a new alternative that

more effectively meets the needs of the individual or the group.

21

STAGE 5: INDIRECT NEGOTIATION

The purpose of indirect negotiation is to create a platform of mutual empathy between
two people with opposing interests in order to prepare them for a productive interaction.

SEVEN STEPS OF INDIRECT NEGOTIATION

The seven steps of indirect negotiation can be applied to a variety of situations by
modifying one or more steps. The negotiation need not be formal or dramatic but may be
used to help communication problems or bring additional structure to group
conversations and meetings. Uses for indirect negotiation include:

• Brainstorming practical problems and priorities

• Generating empathy and understanding of the different interests at play within an

organization

• Creating consensus within a family or other group in which values and goals are

most important

• Interrupting problem communications between two people in order to develop

common interests

• Integrating two factions or cliques by pointing out individual and common

interests that transcend divisions

• Finding options and integrated decisions for individuals locked in a values

conflict or with limiting beliefs

1. Introduce a Meta-frame

The meta-frame provides an agreed-upon basis for further emotional agreement
between participants. In this case, the fact that both Asad and Bernie go through
identical processes, in the guise of a series of “eternal and universal” archetypes,
forces them to take parallel paths in relation to each other.

ARCHETYPES

• The Warrior – signifies action and strength, an intense direct response to

problems. The Warrior attacks the problem. This archetype serves the purpose of
engaging the participant’s full emotional commitment to solving the problem so
that are fully vested before moving on. Alternative names for the Warrior: the
Fighter, the Soldier, the Protector, the Hero.

22

• The Magician – signifies imagination, intuition, and humor. Once the participant

is fully engaged as the Warrior, moving to the archetype of the Magician
encourages him to break patterns irreverently, even his own pattern of being a
Warrior. Remember: Humor is a shortcut. The Magician tells the untold truth
about the situation and in that way finds options for the solution. Alternative
names for the Magician: the Maverick, the Wise Guy, the Turnaround Expert.

• The Lover – signifies one’s deepest emotional connection with others and with

the world. Although both participants begin the Lover in a sexual mode, both of
them quickly focus on the familiar love that sustained them in their childhood.
This love is the basis of their feelings of conscience and compassion, for the other
and for the group. Alternative names for the Lover: the Caretaker, the Protector,
the Loving One.

• The Sovereign – integrates the prior three into a comprehensive vision about the

participant’s life and purpose. Alternative names for the Sovereign: the President,
the Visionary, the King or Queen, the Prince, the Founder.

USE THIS NOW: Introduce a Meta-frame

A variety of meta-frames can perform the function of engaging the participant with a
number of points of view. When Jungian archetypes are not conducive to a particular
context, one may use other labels. In some cases it may be more useful to utilize points of
view specific to the organization, such as “Marketing, R&D, Accounting, and Executive
Suite.” The facilitator may also prompt a participant to “name” his own archetype by
asking hypothetical questions: When someone is powerful and engaged, taking on any
challenges with his or her full energy, what do you call that person? In response, the
participant will find their own name for the Warrior.

In customizing a meta-frame to a given situation, one has several choices. One can
choose to follow a similar sequence to the Jungian archetypes (the Warrior engages, the
Magician makes it inventive, the Lover brings a sense of conscience, and the Sovereign
consolidates into a vision). One can also use the meta-frame in a simpler way – to get
someone to associate with a set of specific points of view. For instance, “If you were the
CEO, what would you say in this situation? What would you say as the CFO?” One can
also ask the participant to take on specific people’s perspectives, such as “What would
Dad say?” From this viewpoint, the participant can answer, “The CEO says to me…” or
“Dad says to me…”

EXERCISE: Think of some meta-frames that would work in different contexts:

• Business meetings regarding the distribution of duties

• Disputes in your family

• Corporate

retreats

23

2. Clarify individual questions

Indirect negotiation operates on two levels, internally and interpersonally.
Internally, the process begins with the step of clarifying individual questions. The
force that would have been directed toward an opponent is thereby directed
inward toward the clarification of one’s own values and emotional states. In other
words, the negotiation must begin on the inside before it can be directed outward.
The purpose of questions is for each individual to associate fully with his or her
highest needs, which in fact are universal and easy for others to understand.
Questions must:

• Be addressed to oneself.

• Focus on one’s own individual ability and sphere of control.

• Direct oneself to take immediate representative action – to do something now

that is believed in.

• Take responsibility for all meanings constructed (e.g., not “What are they

doing to me?” but “What am I focusing on to make myself feel this way?”).

• Mention specific goals to be achieved, (i.e., “How can I…” and “What can I

do in order to…?”).

Watch how in the following interchange Robbins narrows down Bernie’s general
questions about the Israel-Palestinian conflict to Bernie’s internal emotional conflicts,
which are triggered by the external political situation.

Bernie: The question that I struggle with all the time is: What is the answer to

the situation?

AR:

Okay, and what is the answer to what situation specifically?

Bernie: The escalating cycle of violence on both sides. How do we find a

peaceful resolution that allows both of us to live in our homelands?

AR:

Great. How do we find a peaceful solution that allows both of us to live
in our homelands? That’s a question that he can begin to pursue an
answer to. Now that’s a large question because it involves things he
can’t necessarily what? Control. So now you’ve brought up a great
question, and you can pursue the answer to that question within yourself
first. And then you can pursue it later on with Asad, right? On your own.
But what I now want you to do is to convert that question to why it is
important to you. What is the real question behind that question? There
is a real question relating to you behind that question. So what do you
have to solve in you? What is it you need to resolve?

24

USE THIS NOW: Clarify Individual Questions

EXERCISE: Here are some tips for directing questions to whatever particular
problem you want to solve. Again, the questions work on the premise that when an
individual associates fully to his or her highest needs, these needs appear to others as
universal and easy to understand.

• When the focus is on brainstorming practical problems, the question should aim

to uncover limiting assumptions in dealing with the problem (e.g., “What have I
been focusing on that makes this problem seem unsolvable, and how can I get
myself to a level where a solution appears?”).

• When the focus is on creating consensus and emphasizing common interests

between two individuals or groups, questions should target each individual’s
deepest wishes and the obstacles that block those wishes from coming true (e.g.,
“What have I been focusing on that leads to conflict, what do I really want, and
what can I do today to discover that?”).

• When the focus is on creating an integrated understanding of the various interests

within an organization, questions should target the individual’s needs and the way
those needs are supported by and supportive of the other areas in the organization
(e.g., “What do I need to get my job done?” “What do others need from me in
order to get their jobs done?”).

3. Block direct communication (until the process is complete)

Had Bernie and Asad engaged in a direct negotiation, chances are they would
have regarded each other as opponents and would have quickly reached a
stalemate. By blocking direct communication between them, Robbins sets them
up to speak to each other indirectly. In other words, the only way Bernie can
“speak” to Asad is by expanding his own internal negotiation to include Asad’s
concerns. The only way for Asad to respond is to acknowledge and expand on
Bernie’s output. This puts them in a state of “unconscious collaboration.”

4. Individual internal negotiation

The success of the individual internal negotiation depends partly on the skill of
the facilitator, who will direct questions to the Warrior, Magician, Lover, and
Sovereign. These archetypes “answer” the facilitator by giving directives to the
participant.

AR:

Now, from your Warrior, tell me the answer to this question. What is it
that you believe they have been taking from you that makes you feel

25

less? And what can you do today so that you no longer have to live in
reaction and can become free forever?

Asad:

The Warrior says let’s fight together.

AR:

Who is he speaking of? The Warrior says who should fight together?

Asad:

All of us. Everyone.

This gives the participant a way of speaking to himself in a way that bypasses self-
censoring. Robbins then asks for specificity and clarification in a way that draws superior
insights from the participants. It is critical to ensure that the participants’ answers:

• Clarify the specific meaning of general values. For example, if someone uses the

word “freedom,” ask: Freedom of whom? Freedom from what? What does
freedom mean to you?

• Specify and describe the involvement of any other parties (e.g., Who are “they,”

“we”).

• Specify the “why” and “how” of actions. Ask supplementary questions mildly

challenging the participant’s statements (e.g., “But how is that possible,
considering that…?”).

AR:

The Warrior says let’s fight together in order to what?

Asad:

In order to do something new, to feel something new, to experience
something different.

AR:

The Warrior says we should fight together for what?

Asad:

For freedom.

AR:

Of whom?

Asad:

Of our captured hearts and minds.

26

5. Listening and taking notes

Witnessing is an essential part of indirect negotiation. Robbins’ request that Asad
“write everything down as fast as possible” is a classic technique for helping Asad
to incorporate Bernie’s insights into his own language and bodily experience.

This technique of listening and taking notes is also helpful in less formalized
negotiation and conversation scenarios, whenever it is desirable to encourage
nonjudgmental listening and absorption of another person’s point of view.

6. Indirect agreement

By the time Asad feels that he is truly “in” his Warrior, Magician, and Lover
archetypes, he finds that Bernie has already “been there.” While struggling to
embody the extreme imaginary entity of the archetype, he finds himself arriving
at Bernie’s conclusions – that we can fight communally against what holds us
apart, that we can play volleyball and enjoy each other’s company, and that while
feeling loved we understand each other’s love for family. When the participants
experience emotional parallels with each other, they quickly develop indirect
agreement on an emotional level, which is the basis for empathy.

AR: We

ask your Magician: What is it that I’ve been focusing on so much

that it makes me feel like they are taking it from me and therefore I am
less? What can I focus on, believe, or understand forever now, or do,
that will free me from this so I will never again feel less than, nor will I
have to force someone to know that I am more than? The Magician
says…

Asad:

The Magician says...

AR:

Remember the Magician can see it in a blink of an eye. The Magician is
that part that sees the humor in it. The Magician is impish, fun. The
Magician can make a change in seconds that everyone else has to fight
for.

Asad:

The Magician says you’re not having fun. The Magician says you are
not in love. The Magician says find the passion.

AR:

Mmmm, find the passion.

Asad:

The Magician says smell the flowers. Eat some olives. And volleyball is
cool too. (Bernie and Asad high-five.)

While Bernie is experiencing the extremes of loving and feeling loved, Robbins for the
first time asks him to comment directly on Asad. This is a skillful way of guiding

27

Bernie’s emotional focus to Asad so that Bernie immediately and fully recognizes the
other’s emotional capacity.

Bernie: My Lover says Bernie, Dove, my Hebrew name…

AR:

My Lover says…

Bernie: My Lover says, Bernie, hug your friends. Hug your family. My mother

says tell your mother again that you love her.

AR:

What does your Lover say about Asad?

Bernie: My Lover says Asad has, I’m sure, pretty much the same feelings. My

Lover says Asad has the same kind of Lover, the same kind of..., is being
driven by, the same passions.

Asad has a similar experience. While looking across the stage at Bernie, he suddenly
realizes that Bernie’s love for his family is exactly the same as Asad’s own love for his
father, mother, and sisters.

AR:

The Sovereign says Asad, never forget, always remember.

Asad:

Never forget, always remember. There is a mother and a sister and a
father and a son and a daughter, and they feel the same kind of love and
the same kind of pain as your own mother, as your own sisters, as your
own father, and you’re all family anyway.

Looking at Bernie, Asad experiences a shift in his emotional boundaries. Asad realizes
that because both men love their families in the same way, they are not on opposite sides
but are in fact family to each other. For Asad, being family means never hurting one
another, no matter what the conditions.

7. Direct agreement

By the time that Bernie and Asad first begin speaking directly with each other,
they have consolidated their emotional resources in a profound way. They have
reached agreement on the most difficult elements in a negotiation: that they are
truly equivalent, with the same needs, desires, and rights, and that both are
deserving of protection, care, and representation.

As an Israeli and a Pakistani who have taken leadership positions in their
community, they still have before them a phase of direct negotiation, where terms
are set and agreements are made dividing responsibilities and resources. However,
by helping them find their natural empathy for each other, Robbins has helped
them to remove the emotional obstacles that prevent a fruitful interchange.

28

V

IDEO

I

NDEX

Negotiating Conflict: Leadership In Times Of Crisis
Below please find brief descriptions of each of the video chapters, along with time codes.

Introduction (00:00): Cloé Madanes introduces the circumstances of September 11,
2001, in Hawaii and outlines the steps Anthony Robbins took in order to lead the group.
Robbins gets onstage, defines objectives, and discusses the challenges faced by the group
as a whole.

The Five Stages of Intervention (08:24): Madanes describes that in order to bring
together this group of people with diverse nationalities, political convictions, and
emotional experiences, Robbins follows the “logic of leadership,” in which each
individual, by following his or her own path, contributes to creating the strongest group.
Also included are analytical tools from Robbins’ Human Needs Psychology.

Discuss and Compare World Views (24:06): At this point in the day, individual
participants stood up to discuss their experiences and challenges one-on-one with
Robbins, who intervened to bring about progress for each individual and for the group as
a whole. The first to stand up is Asad, a Pakistani who had feelings of sympathy with the
terrorists responsible for the attacks. A group of New Yorkers, some of whom lost family
members that day, also stood up to speak with Robbins and share their experiences.

Stage Five: Indirect Negotiation (58:35): Robbins invites Asad and Bernie, a New
York Jew, onstage in a process of indirect negotiation. This process serves to resolve
inner conflicts, which naturally leads to resolving interpersonal conflicts as well. By the
end of the negotiation, Bernie and Asad were fast friends.

September 15 (1:46:20): Four days later, it turns out that Bernie and Asad had formed
an organization and an action plan for promoting mutual tolerance between Jews and
Muslims. Bernie and Asad come onstage to describe their ambitions and to say a
common prayer.

Total Running Time: 113 minutes

29

© 2003 by Robbins Research International, Inc. Written and Spoken Narration
© 2003 by Cloé Madanes and Robbins Research International, Inc.

Anthony Robbins and Cloé Madanes continue to work together perfecting new methodologies of
indirect negotiation to foster greater harmony and effectiveness in social systems ranging from
families to corporations and government organizations.

The Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention is dedicated to the solution of
interpersonal conflict, the prevention of violence, and the creation of a more cohesive and civil
community.

For further information and training schedules, please contact:
www.robbinsmadanes.com
800.537.0820 / International: 001.858.713.8232