at
http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/5638609
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Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
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Relationship:
James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
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Alternate Universe - Modern Setting
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Published: 2016-01-04 Words: 8005
To Reach the Soul
Summary
When Remus Lupin is invited to attend a Deaf Dance Academy for part of his BSL level,
he doesn't expect to meet someone like Sirius Black. But the moment he does, his entire
world is turned upside down.
Notes
So the prompt came from emeliadoyle who linked me to an amazing youtube video about
Deaf dancers. I'd had an idea about this before, so I decided to take this one on as my last
fic before my short hiatus. Also I really needed some happy ending in a fic, so this was
necessary. x It's a bit choppy honestly, maybe not as well written as I'm used to only
because I started this yesterday and it was a really bad day--then I had to sort of scramble
to get it done today in between meetings and work. So if it's crap I really am sorry. But I
couldn't leave it unfinished.
At the back of the class, Remus took several deep breaths and pressed the side of his head to the
wall. It was winding down, the students all chattering now in voice instead of sign as the new
teacher finished his short lecture. The Level Two BSL class had started out with an older, red-
faced man who disappeared one day. The sign on the door said class would resume in a week,
and when Remus arrived at the new date, it was being conducted by a man around his age with
dark skin, wild black hair, and square-framed glasses.
His signs were efficient, but casual as though he’d been using them most of his life. He introduced
himself as James Potter, offered his sign name to everyone, then took over like he was meant to be
there.
Remus liked him. A lot. He was taking the class to help with his degree, and had finished the
Level One with some ease. The problem was, he suffered from severe social anxiety. Even with
the medications, it only took the edge off, allowing him to participate so long as he was able to sit
in the back, against the wall, facing the door, and no one bothered him unless he was working on
a partnered project.
James Potter was very different from the first teacher. When he spoke, his tone was kind and soft,
almost soothing in a way which Remus found allowed him to breathe easier when he was being
addressed. He was also patient—an endless well it seemed—even with the few students in the
class who seemed to be taking it simply for a laugh.
The class was a month away from being finished, which then of course would continue on to his
level threes.
“Before you go,” James called out in his quiet tone, getting the attention of the people who were
heading straight for the door, “I’d like to remind you of the upcoming assignment. You’ll need to
find and participate in one Deaf event this week. You can look up events online, or check with the
Deaf schools to see what they have available. At least two separate interviews of Deaf or Hard of
Hearing participants, and do your best to conduct the entire thing in sign. Any questions and you
can email me.”
Remus felt a familiar wave of panic rushing through him, paralyzing him. His limbs refused to
budge, and his head was spinning. The ringing in his ears is what alerted him to the fact that he
was having an anxiety attack right there at the end of class, and there was nothing to be done but
wait it out. He forced himself to breathe, to count, and though he felt for several moments he was
floating outside of his body, he returned to himself.
Unfortunately more time than he realised had passed, and he was alone there with only James
stood at the front of the room. The teacher was looking at him carefully, the faint traces of a smile
on his lips, and it widened when he realised Remus had come back to himself.
Bracing himself for the inevitable questions, Remus began to pack up his things.
“Mr Lupin?”
Remus looked up, attempting to wet his lips, though his whole mouth had gone dry. “Sorry about
that I…”
“Would you like a cup of tea? It’s been a long day for me and I wouldn’t mind the company. I’ve
an office right round the corner.”
Remus blinked in surprise, then said, “Yeah, alright,” because honestly it sounded like the best
thing at the moment. “Have you got herbal?”
“Absolutely. Mint, actually. No caffeine if that’s what you’re after.”
Remus felt something unknot in his chest, and he even managed a smile as he sorted his things
and followed James out of the room.
Locking up, James led the way down the corridor to a small office. It was barely bigger than a
broom cupboard, the desk taking up most of the space, but there were two chairs, and Remus sank
into one as James flicked on the kettle perched at the edge of the wooden top. He pulled two mugs
from a drawer, inspected the bottoms of them, then pulled out two boxes of tea.
“Sorry, I know this is a bit unorthodox,” James said softly as he offered Remus a mug and box of
mint herbal. “But you looked a little frayed round the edges.”
Remus rubbed his face, then shook his head. “I have...it’s just a bit of…” He stopped, fiddling
with the tea bag.
“Well it looked a bit like you were having a panic attack,” James said carefully. When Remus’
gaze snapped up, James gave him a soft smile. “My very best mate used to have them several
times a day. He still does from time to time, though less frequently now. But I recognised the
signs, and a bit of tea always helped him get back to centre.”
Remus let out another trembling breath. “Thanks. Really I…it’s severe social anxiety. I have
medication for it, you know? But talking of the Deaf event…” Remus stopped, then quickly
added, “Not because it’s a Deaf event but…”
“Right,” James said easily. “It’s the event part. Talking with strangers.” Sitting back, the kettle
clicked off, and he poured the water into both mugs, mashing his own tea bag with the side of a
spoon as he furrowed his brow in thought. “Mr Lupin…”
“Oh Remus, please. You’re my teacher, that’s weird.”
“Only if you call me James,” he said with a grin. “We’re nearly the same age, yeah?”
“Twenty-six,” Remus offered.
“Twenty-seven in March,” James replied.
With a laugh, Remus nodded. “Same for me. That’s incredible.”
“Well then, Remus, would it help if I offered to find something for you? And maybe introduced
you to a few people so it wouldn’t put you on the spot or force you into a situation you couldn’t
handle?”
Remus’ eyes widened, not sure if James was being serious. After all, he’d been a teacher there for
all of three days and didn’t actually know Remus at all. “I…well that would be…could you do
something like that?” Remus fumbled.
James chuckled and binned his tea bag, taking a long drink of the dark brew. “That best mate I
mentioned? He’s Hard of Hearing, and he and his brother run a small dance troupe full of Deaf
and Hard of Hearing dancers. They perform a few times a month, and I could very easily get him
to sit down with you.”
Remus’ eyes widened, realising that might just be perfect. It wouldn’t be a social event, so he
wouldn’t be asked to converse or meet strangers. And if James could arrange the meeting, Remus
wouldn’t feel like he was being put on the spot. “Is that how you know sign? From your mate?”
James laughed. “No, actually. I’m a CODA, so I grew up speaking sign. My parents moved here
from India because it’s incredibly oralist over there, and there wasn’t really a strong Deaf
community for them. They’re back there now, trying to work against the way Deaf schools are
handled but…” James stopped and laughed. “Sorry I’m rambling. I do that.”
Remus smiled tentatively. “No honestly, it’s alright. I’m really happy you took over the class,
actually. You’re more patient than the last teacher.”
James snorted. “Might be because I’ve a three year old and it’s my default. It’s either patience or
run mad with his current stage of defiance. At least here people I’m being paid to instruct,
although half the class it seems doesn’t care how dear the lessons are.”
Remus shrugged one shoulder. “Their loss, really. So long as they’re not interfering with my
learning, anyway.”
“Well you’re a natural at it,” James said.
Remus scoffed a bit, relaxing into the chair as he took a drink. “My speed is so slow. I feel like
I’m never going to get up to proper signing speed.”
James gave him a careful look, then set his cup down to sign. ‘I think you’re better than you
believe you are.’
‘I’m not sure about that,’ Remus replied after setting his mug down.
James laughed, his head tilting back a little. “I signed that at Deaf speed and you didn’t miss a
beat. Give yourself some credit, Remus. You’re going to do just fine.” He quickly grabbed a biro
and jotted down his number. “Here, put this in your mobile and text me. I’ll find out from Sirius
when his next event is and we can make it a plan. I think it’s some day this week if you’ve free
time.”
“I can make it work,” Remus said, punching the numbers into his mobile. He quickly sent off a
text, and from somewhere under the desk, he heard James’ buzz with the notification.
The pair sat a little longer, Remus learning a bit more about James’ wife—Lily—and their son.
Learnt a bit more about Sirius and his brother Regulus and the dance troupe, and a little more
about James’ experience growing up CODA.
When it was over, the anxiety was ebbing away to the point of a dull ache, and he was no longer
shaking. He said his goodnights to James, and headed for the last bus home, feeling much lighter
than he had in ages.
***
He got the text the next morning about the dance performance. James offered to pick him up,
which Remus would have refused only it was halfway across London and he didn’t fancy having
to navigate public transport late in the night, or risk triggering his anxiety if the tube or busses
were overcrowded. Accepting his offer, Remus sent back his address, and James said he’d be
there the following night to collect his student.
It was completely unconventional, which made Remus feel decidedly nervous, but far less than he
would be if he had to wander into an event where he knew no one, and was expected to make
conversation with complete strangers.
Getting ready, Remus took a moment to think back and wondered—as he often did—when it all
started. He’d grown up poorly, an immune system compromised by a host of illnesses he’d
contracted as a baby. He’d eventually outgrown them, for the most part—though he fell poorly
more often than most. But it meant he was home schooled by his mum until age eleven when he
was suddenly thrust into a world he didn’t understand. Socialising was a concept beyond him,
having never made a friend before, and he didn’t until University.
By then he was a mess of nerves, on three different kinds of medication just to get him through the
day, and by the end of his work shift he was often a trembling mess, needing to lock himself away
in his flat for hours to compose himself.
Needless to say, it made dating a near impossibility—especially since anyone who had attempted a
relationship with him assumed it was something he would just get over. When they realised the
anxiety and need to be completely by himself for a few hours a day wasn’t just a phase, wasn’t
something he’d just get over, they were well-shot of him.
He was still young, he knew, but had resigned himself to being alone the rest of his life. It was a
lonely existence, but preferable to being chucked every few months by the one person he plucked
up the courage to ask on a date on his rare nights out.
He felt pathetic, but he knew there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
Pulling himself together, Remus hurried to change into jeans and a jumper—grateful the weather
permitted for the warmer clothes. They were almost all he owned, but he tired of the strange looks
he got during the summer when he was bundled up. And when he tried to explain that wearing
heavy clothing was a way for him to cope with anxiety—soothed by the weight of the fabric—
people laughed. Or scoffed.
He spent a short amount of time in front of the mirror, giving his teeth a quick brush, running his
hands through his curls which were still a little bit wet, but would be dried by the time James
arrived. He ran the pads of his fingers under his eyes, wishing he could do something about his
dark circles, but with the anxiety came frequent bouts of insomnia and the bruised skin had now
become a permanent fixture on his face.
He felt like a right mess.
And honestly it felt strange when James arrived, that his teacher actually looked pleased to see
him. “Alright, Remus?”
Nodding, he swung the door wide to let James in. “Sorry it’s not much,” he said, used to
apologising for his lack of well…everything.
James, however, was frowning. “It’s very you, Remus. I like it.” He clapped Remus on the
shoulder carefully, and his smile was so warm and friendly, Remus had no room to wonder if
James was only trying to be nice. “Also I got you these.” Digging in his pocket, James pulled out
a pair of squashy, orange bits and handed them over.
“Er…”
“Ear plugs. It’s going to be very loud for us hearies.” James chuckled and clapped Remus on the
shoulder again.
Pocketing them, Remus quickly grabbed his coat and keys, then followed James to the kerb. He
drove a modest car, nothing over the top showy, but it was clear by his clothes, his accent, and the
way he carried himself, he was rather posh. But he was unassuming, hadn’t for a second judged
Remus by where he lived, and Remus wondered if there were more people like James Potter in
the world.
The conversation was short as they made the drive, Remus mostly dealing with his nerves, but
James kept everything light and easy. They arrived at the small studio, parking a short distance,
and they made the walk in just a few moments.
People were already gathering outside, and Remus could see a flurry of hands moving in sign. To
his delight, the conversations came easy to him, and he could feel his mind shifting from English
to sign the closer they got. James seemed to recognise a few people as they approached, and made
quick introductions.
‘This is REMUS,’ he signed to a taller woman with dark skin, bright eyes, wearing a long sleeved
dance leotard and a tightly fitted hijab. “REMUS, this is DORCAS. She’s dancing tonight as
well.’
‘Pleased to meet you,’ Remus said, his fingers shaking from nerves.
James grinned, nudging Remus a little. ‘His first Deaf event. He’s in my sign class.’
Dorca’s eyes widened and she gave Remus a bright grin. ‘Good teacher? Or total rubbish? I think
rubbish.’
Remus laughed, shaking his head. ‘Very good. I learnt a lot in just three days.’
‘Did you bribe him to say that?’ Dorcas challenged, and James rolled his eyes, giving her a slight
shove.
‘Never. You know I’m wonderful. Good luck tonight. Sirius here yet?’
‘Warming up,’ Dorcas said. ‘Get good seats.’
James nodded, then ushered Remus inside the small auditorium which had a smattering of seats.
The floor had some give, a thin sort of wood panelling which Remus knew would offer the most
conduct for vibrations. It was very clever, he noticed.
James hurried him toward the front where they’d get the best view, and they sat near a group of
people who were all waving at James and signing their hellos from across the distance.
‘Alright?’ James asked.
Remus, who was fiddling with the ear plugs, nodded. ‘Better than I thought. Thanks for bringing
me.’
James was grinning widely. ‘I told Sirius about you. He’s excited to meet you later.’
Remus mimicked the sign James used and asked, ‘Is that the sign name for Sirius?’
Nodding, James also offered the one for Regulus. ‘We’ll go backstage after, and you can chat
with them. I’ll keep out of your way, but if you need anything, I’ll be near.’
Remus let out a breath. ‘Why are you helping me?’
James looked momentarily startled, and he put one hand on Remus’ shoulder, switching to
English. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well I’m…I’m not…” Remus took a breath. “I’m just your student. You could have very well
told me to just get over it and do the assignment like everyone else.”
James’ frown deepened. “Remus…who says something like that? It’s not like you can help it.”
“Well nearly everyone, I suppose. Even therapists.” Remus flushed and shrugged. “I’m not saying
it for pity, James. Honestly I can take care of myself. But I just…”
“The world is shite. I grew up watching the world be shitty to my parents—I grew up watching
the world be shitty to my very best friend. But I hope you don’t think I’m part of that. I like you.
You’re a good student, you’re trying. You don’t think sign language is used for a laugh or a way
to carry on secret conversations to insult people who don’t know it. You’re a good person.”
Not sure how to take the compliments, Remus ducked his head and muttered a thanks before
shoving the earplugs into his ears. The world faded into a muffled hum, and he barely heard
James’ chuckle as the bespectacled man did the same, and they settled into their seats.
Soon enough, the lights dimmed, and the stage lights went up. Music started, a dull thrum under
their feet, and Remus could feel it directly in the centre of his chest as the bass began to grow. He
looked up when James nudged him, and the teacher was pointing to a curtain where a face was
poking out, a hand waving.
‘Sirius,’ James signed, then waved back.
Remus couldn’t get a proper look, but grinned at the enthusiasm of James’ best friend. Sirius had
to be wonderful, if James loved him that much, and he found himself looking forward to meeting
the dancer when it was all finished.
The show began almost immediately. The intro speaker kept it short, and the entire audience
seemed abuzz with excitement. The curtain dropped and the lights on the stage went out. Then a
moment later, a heavy beat began. As the curtains rose again, Dorcas and another woman were on
the stage. The beat began, heavy and rhythmic as they began to dance, twisting their bodies along
to it, moving almost stilted and mechanical.
It was entrancing, to be honest. It was like they were made of the vibrations as they moved across
the stage, carefully moving round each other, purposefully out of rhythm from one another, and it
worked. Remus had never seen anything like it.
When it was over, he waved his hands with the crowd, giving the two of them a standing ovation
as they took their bows.
The second, third, and fourth acts were done by younger children. James explained that Sirius and
Regulus taught the youth classes, and they were a mixture of modern hip hop and ballet—
something Remus would see shortly in a blend which was a rare sight for classically trained
dancers.
‘Sirius was classically trained?’ Remus asked.
James nodded. ‘His parents were hearing, insisted he and Regulus learn the steps, though they
never performed. When they had a falling out with their family, the brothers decided to open the
school together. I’m really proud of them.’
Remus was beaming for James’ friend without even knowing him, and in the excitement and
wonder of the night, Remus barely felt a twitch of anxiety. His eyes strayed back to the stage
where the kids were finishing up their last number, and after a huge praise from the audience, the
lights went low again.
‘Sirius and Regulus,’ James said, his face taking on a brand new expression. ‘You’re going to like
this.’
James wasn’t wrong. Sirius didn’t know what to expect when the lights went up and the curtain
was drawn, but his breath immediately caught in his throat. Both brothers were gorgeous, there
was no denying that. They were almost too similar looking, though the one James pointed out as
Sirius was an inch or so taller. They both had long black hair, swept back away from their faces,
and both wore stark black leotards which cut off just below the elbow, and pointe shoes.
Their bodies were definitely dancer bodies. Lean, a curve to their hips, and broad, flat chests.
Their muscles were well defined, highlighted by the lights on the stage, and both wore identical,
serene smiles as they took their positions.
The music started, and beyond the plugs, Remus could just make out a tune. Fur Elise, but it was
to a techno beat.
Sirius began to dance first. Going immediately onto his toes, then back down again. His arm
curved up in a graceful arc as he spun on one foot, his head whipping round with the turn, and his
back arched so low Remus wondered how a human body could bend that way.
He snapped up suddenly as the beat picked up, and on his toes again, he stretched one leg behind
him, his hand out to Regulus who began his own moves.
The brothers moved so in sync, it was almost like they were a single unit. Bodies curving and
twisting, moving first like water flowed—without interruption, smooth and steady. Then the beat
would change and their bodies would go stiff. But never once did they step out of sync.
Watching them dance across stage, leap, twirl, catch each other into low spins where heads would
almost touch the floor in the back bend, Remus felt his breath catch. He had eyes on Sirius the
entire time, and he couldn’t help but feel a burning desire growing in the pit of his stomach.
He wanted to know him, even if it was just for one night. Just for one conversation. He was the
most beautiful thing Remus had ever seen in his life.
The dance was over far too quick, and Remus was immediately on his feet, waving his hands
without sparing a second for the people round him. The curtain closed, then opened again as all of
the dancers stood to take their bows.
When they were gone for the last time, James pulled the plugs from his ears and Remus did the
same.
“That was…” Remus didn’t have words or signs for it, and James laughed.
“I told you.”
“He’s beautiful,” Remus breathed, then flushed hard. “Sorry I…”
“You’re not wrong,” James said, grabbing Remus by the elbow to pull him along to the stage
door. “And don’t worry, he knows it. I’m really pleased you enjoyed it though.”
Remus shook his head. “How can I not? How could anyone not be…entranced?”
“You’d be surprised,” James said with a sigh. “But that’s not important. We can go and say hi
now, but there’s bound to be a crowd so if you want to wait…”
“I don’t want to keep them,” Remus said in a rush. “I mean, they have to be tired after all that.”
James laughed as he reached for the door. “I don’t think they’ll mind but…” He stopped as he was
suddenly met with an armful of Sirius, jumping on him and clinging his legs round his waist.
Sirius grinned as he kissed James full on the mouth, then nuzzled his cheek before sliding down
and looking between James and Remus expectantly.
Remus was startled by the whole thing, and took a quick step back as James rolled his eyes.
‘Sirius, this is REMUS. The student I told you about.’
Sirius nodded, raising his hand to sign something, but let out a sharp cry and cradled his wrist.
James immediately grabbed his arm, prodding the wrist with his thumb. Sirius sucked in air
through his teeth. “I missed a landing,” he said. His voice was deeper, and a slight Deaf accent.
“Not sure if it’s broken.”
Remus waved to get Sirius’ attention. ‘Can I look?’
Raising a brow, Sirius nodded and held his hand out. Running his thumb lightly along the bone,
Remus could feel the swelling, but when he moved the wrist slightly, he could tell there was no
break. ‘SPRAIN,’ he spelt.
“You a doctor?” Sirius asked aloud, cradling his wrist to his chest.
Flushing, Remus shook his head. ‘No, but I trained in FIRST AID one summer. You might want
to have it looked at later.’
Sirius snorted, then nodded his head for James and Remus to follow him through the stage doors.
“I’ve got a splint, so I’ll go sort this out. James’ new mate, you want to come with me and chat?”
Remus looked at James who nodded. ‘Go on,’ James signed. ‘I told him you’re there to
interview.’
Remus flushed, but Sirius sensed his hesitation and grabbed his wrist, pulling him past dancers
through a small corridor and into a dressing room. It was bright, a bit chilly, but there was a small
sofa, a huge vanity table with a mirror, and several different dancing outfits strung about the room
on hangers.
“Get comfortable. Let me get my ears on, then see if we’ve got something in here to wrap my
damned wrist in.” Sirius wasn’t looking at Remus, so he had no other choice but to sit and be
patient.
Sirius made quick work of his hearing aids, which Remus noticed were incredibly sparkly with
glitter, glinting in the soft light as he put them into his ears and switched them on. Sirius grimaced
for a second, then let out a breath as he banged round the cabinets until he came out with a hard
split and a bandage to wrap it tight.
‘You want me to?’ Remus asked, his signs careful.
Sirius raised a brow. “Go on then. You know what you’re doing though, right?” Remus tried to
sign whilst holding the bandages and split, but Sirius rolled his eyes. “You can speak. I can hear
you just fine in this room. I only have real trouble if we’re out in a crowd.”
“Alright,” Remus said, then cleared his throat as he pulled Sirius to sit. “And yes, I know what
I’m doing. Just hold your wrist as straight as you can.”
Sirius did as Remus asked, and very carefully, Remus pressed the hard split against the underside
of Sirius’ wrist. Holding it tight, he wrapped the bandage with only a little bit of give,
immobilising the hand, but leaving the fingers free. When it was done, Sirius pulled away, then
inspected it.
“This is going to fuck with my signing.”
“Yeah, sorry,” Remus said. “Will you be okay? I can try to adjust it.”
Sirius smiled at him, so sunny and bright it made Remus’ stomach flutter. “I’m okay.” He shifted
onto the sofa, pulling his feet onto the cushion between him and Remus, and carefully began to
undo his pointe shoes. “Did you enjoy the show?”
Remus, who was trying desperately not to watch Sirius’ long fingers pulling at the ribbons criss-
crossing over his calves, cleared his throat and looked up at Sirius’ face. It was hard not to stare at
everything though. He was one of the most attractive people Remus had ever met in his life, and it
was doing funny things to his insides.
He realised after a moment he hadn’t answered, and his cheeks flushed. “I did. It was fantastic. It
was…” He stopped and realised part of his assignment was to be conducting the conversation in
sign. ‘I was very impressed.’
“It’s alright to speak,” Sirius repeated, cocking his head to the side.
“I know,” Remus said. “But I was supposed to be using sign for James’…”
“Ah. Well…whatever makes you happy, love.”
Remus tried not to flush again, but failed. ‘I feel stupid. Not sure what to ask.’
Sirius blinked at him as he eased the second shoe off, then let out a long sigh of satisfaction as he
wriggled his toes inside the tights. “Ask anything you want. I’m an open book.” He winked then,
making Remus wish James was with him because he had long-since lost the ability to tell if he
was being flirted with.
‘Do you enjoy dancing?’ Remus asked, then shook his head. ‘No, that was a stupid question. Of
course you do.’
Sirius shrugged and carefully stretched his feet out, placing them on Remus’ lap. “Don’t mind, do
you?”
“No,” Remus blurted, then cleared his throat. ‘No. It’s fine. Do your feet hurt?’
Sirius nodded, but was smiling. “Always. But it’s that good, deep-down ache. Right into the
calves. And to answer your question, no I don’t enjoy dancing. I live for it. It’s in my blood. My
parents were furious when the found out Reg and I started this school. They wanted us classically
trained, but they didn’t want us flaunting our ‘disability’.” He used air quotes, which made
Remus’ stomach go hot with rage.
‘I’m sorry.’
Sirius waved his uninjured hand. “Nah don’t worry about it. James’ parents took over for my shite
ones and they were really decent. And Reg and I don’t regret what we did.”
‘Good. The entire show was…amazing,’ Remus finished with a slight flourish. He noticed that
although Sirius wasn’t signing back, he was feeling more and more comfortable and he was
moving his hands faster. ‘Do you like teaching?’
Sirius pulled a face. “I’m supposed to say yes, but I’ve never been overly fond of kids. Except
Harry, of course.”
Remus blinked. ‘James’ son?’
Sirius grinned and nodded, and Remus loved how even though Sirius was verbalising, his face
was just as expressive as though he were signing. “My godson. Have you met him?”
Remus shook his head. ‘I only met James through the class. We had tea once.’
Sirius looked almost startled by that. “Well he sure thinks highly of you for not knowing you well.
You must be a good sort.” When Remus looked disbelieving, Sirius leant forward and curled his
long fingers round Remus’ shoulder, sending white-hot tingles though Remus’ skin. “Trust me,
he’s a good judge of character. Except maybe me.” He grinned, his tongue poking out just a bit
between his teeth, and Remus let out a puff of air.
‘I’m not…’ He stopped, deciding that arguing over his character with Sirius would be pointless.
With a small laugh, Sirius reached up absently, fiddling with his hearing aid a bit. “Ruddy
fucking…” he swore. “Sorry, I think this one’s about to go. Been giving me problems all week.”
Remus was leaning forward without realising it, then snapped himself back when he came to
himself. ‘They’re very pretty. Do they come that way?’
Sirius frowned, then lit up when he realised what Remus was talking about. “Oh no. I do them
myself. Honestly there’s no way I’m going to walk round in something plain. Could you imagine
me plain?”
“No,” Remus said aloud without meaning to. He blushed again—which seemed like it was
becoming his permanent state—but it only made Sirius grin wider. ‘They’re nice. I like them.’
Licking his lips, Sirius wriggled his feet on Remus’ lap a bit, then swung them down to the
ground. Remus felt the loss, but didn’t say anything as Sirius offered him a hand up. “Let’s go
find my brother. You can get this interview portion out of the way, then maybe we can all go out
and get a drink or a coffee?”
Remus blinked. “Oh. Erm. Alright?”
Sirius frowned, pulling back a bit. “Unless you don’t want…”
“No,” Remus said in a rush. “That would be great. I mean…fine. I mean…”
Sirius’ laugh interrupted him, as did the hand curling round his arm and tugging him closer.
“You’re pretty adorable, you know that?”
The words stunned him completely silent, and he was dragged into the corridor, down to another
dressing room which was empty. Letting out a scoff, Sirius continued hunting until he found
James and Regulus on the stage, sat on the ground chatting away in the quiet of the empty
auditorium.
When James spotted the pair, his eyes went bright and he rose, beckoning Remus over. ‘All
done?’
Sirius put out his splinted hand with a massive pout on his lips, pulling Remus even closer.
Freeing his arm, he signed with one hand, ‘Not broken.’
Regulus was eyeing both Remus and Sirius with a slightly unamused expression. Remus noticed
straight away that Regulus lacked the free-spirited nature of his brother. It was apparent in
expression and the way he held himself, and even in the more sharpness of his features. But he
approached Remus, giving him a friendly head-nod.
‘Hello, James said you’re from the BSL class.’
Remus nodded, trying to pull away from Sirius a little to have signing space, but Sirius was
unrelenting as he kept his side pressed to Remus’. ‘Yes. I really loved your show and I’d love to
do a quick interview if you have time.’
Regulus’ eyes were narrowed at the signs, but when he saw that Remus could carry on just fine,
he gave a sharp nod and indicated they could head over to a couple of chairs. James gave Remus
an encouraging nod as he dragged Sirius away, muttering something about tea.
Remus wasn’t sure what to make of all that, but he followed Regulus to the chairs, and quickly
began to formulate his questions. He asked the younger brother much the same as he had Sirius,
and the answers are also the same—though Regulus insisted he enjoyed teaching children.
‘They want to learn. They’re tired of having opportunities denied them because they’re Deaf,’ he
signed, his fingers sharp and his face expressive. His frustration was evident in the small huffs and
hums he made as he continued on. ‘I’m sure Sirius mentioned my parents.’
‘Yes,’ Remus said. ‘Just a little.’
Regulus rolled his eyes. ‘Too many hearing parents think their children incapable. We want to
show we are more than capable. Better, even.’
Remus couldn’t help his laugh, and quickly clarified when Regulus’ expression fell. ‘Better isn’t
the right word. I have never seen movement like that. I was stunned.’
Regulus looked instantly pleased. ‘We work hard. I’m glad James brought you here. Other Deaf
events are fine, but they’re social. This is more.’
Remus couldn’t help but agree. They chatted a bit more, Regulus even being a bit complimentary
about Remus’ signing, and by the time James and Sirius returned, Remus realised that he hadn’t
even thought about the fact that he was chatting to total strangers.
Of course the panic made a comeback when he stood up to face Sirius and James again, but when
he was given his personal space for the time being, he let his shoulders relax a bit. Sirius was
eyeing him carefully, and Remus had to wonder if maybe James said something. The fond look
was still in the grey eyes, though, and for a moment Remus allowed himself to believe this
gorgeous dancer could be interested in someone like him.
‘We were talking about Sunday lunch,’ James said. ‘This Sunday at mine. Remus, you want to
join us?’
Remus’ eyes went wide. ‘Me?’
Sirius barked a laugh. “Of course you.” He half-signed with his good hand, and rolled his eyes to
Regulus who nodded his approval.
‘It will just be me, Lily, these two, Dorcas and possibly Mary if she’s not working.’
Remus, having no idea who half the name-signs belonged to, shrugged. It wasn’t a lot of people,
but it was still an unfamiliar situation and he wasn’t sure how he’d ever be able to look at James in
the face again if he panicked and had to leave.
‘Can I check my schedule?’
James laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Of course. But it won’t be the same without
you.’
***
Remus had tea with James after every class that week. They spoke in mixture of English and sign,
and by Thursday Remus was catching on to James’ subtle hints about Sirius. Feeling comfortable
with him now, even thinking about his teacher as a friend, Remus finally cracked.
“Does he fancy me?”
James had just finished talking about Sirius mentioning Remus’ handiwork with the split for the
fifth time, and the bespectacled man stopped, then threw his head back and laughed. “Was I really
being that obvious?”
“Well erm…” Remus was red in the face, and his stomach twisting with fear, but he shrugged
anyway. “I guess. I don’t know. People don’t really fancy me a lot but you keep bringing him
up.”
James’ laugh died down and his brows dipped. “People don’t fancy you? Are you taking the
piss?”
Shaking his head, Remus clutched hard to his tea, trying to keep himself grounded. “No. Believe
me, people and I do not get on.”
“Well lucky for you, Sirius barely counts as people. He’s like a species into himself, but…in a
good way.”
“Right,” Remus said, and James laughed again.
“Remus, you’re a good man. A really good man. I like you, and Sirius was taken with you almost
instantly. He doesn’t really date a lot, either.”
Remus stared in surprise. “Sirius? The gorgeous, lithe, fit dancer doesn’t date a lot?”
James snorted. “Well I can assume you fancy him back after that description.”
Remus mentally cursed, but it was too late by this point anyway. “It’s just hard to imagine. He’s
so…just…I’m not even sure there are words.”
“There aren’t,” James said. “I’ve looked in multiple languages. But it’s true. He doesn’t trust
people very often and even though he’s firmly rooted in the Deaf community, we still live in an
audist world.”
“But I’m hearing,” Remus pointed out. “I’m not involved in the community. It’s not…I don’t…”
“That’s alright,” James said, reaching over to give Remus’ knee a pat. “It takes all sorts you
know? I’m forever on the outside of both worlds. Growing up knowing what it was like to be
Deaf but never having the experiences. I’ll always have hearing privilege, but I’ll never fit in with
hearing culture. But Sirius was never fussed about it. Never made me feel othered, mostly because
he knows what it’s like. And you know, he understands what you go through too.”
Remus licked his lips, letting out a slow breath in an attempt to quell the panic building in his
stomach. “Maybe…I…I’ll think about it. About him.”
James brightened. “Good. And I really hope you’ll come over on Sunday. There are plenty of
places to escape if it gets overwhelming, and I’ll understand if you say no but…”
“I’ll go,” Remus blurted, then covered his face and shook his head. “Are we friends, James?”
James looked momentarily startled. “Remus, do you see me inviting any of the other students to
my office for tea? Or trying to set them up with my best friend in the world? Yes, we’re fucking
friends. Sunday lunches are a standing invite and I will miss you any time you don’t show up.”
Remus cleared his throat, and met James’ gaze. “Good.”
***
Remus did show up to the Potter’s for Sunday lunch. He took the bus out to Godric’s Hollow,
getting off on an earlier stop so he could use a long walk to compose himself. He’d brought some
emergency meds with him if it became too much, but he was feeling good about himself. His
therapist had once mentioned finding a group of friends that accepted him as he was, for who he
was, would make a difference and he hadn’t believe it until now.
The anxiety hadn’t left him, but he wasn’t afraid to feel it around James and the others.
Though maybe Sirius a little—because there was no telling how Sirius could cope with something
like Remus’ social anxiety. But he was hopeful, for the first time in a long time.
Approaching the door, Remus took a breath and pushed the buzzer. There was a light pinging
sound, and he also noticed the lamps in the window flashed. A moment later, a curvy red-head
opened the door, a small boy who was the spit of James, peering round her legs, answered.
“You must be Remus,” she said with a wide grin. “I’m Lily. Come on in. Haz, move back love.
Let Remus through.”
Harry backed up, grinning at Remus with his head cocked to the side. ‘You Deaf?’
Remus shook his head. ‘No I’m hearing.’
“Oh. Me too,” Harry said with a shrug. “My Uncle Sirius and Uncle Regulus are Deaf though.
And Mary and Dori. But you sign so it’s okay, you can come in.”
“Thank you, Prince Harry, for your permission,” Lily said dryly.
Remus couldn’t help his laugh as Harry merely gave a princely nod before rushing off. “Cute.”
“Mm, just don’t let him think it. He’s too much like his dad and I’m trying to avoid an over-
inflated ego.”
Remus had trouble imagining James being full of himself or smarmy, but he supposed he could
see it back when he was younger. Especially with a best friend like Sirius who seemed to thrive
off attention.
Lily quickly showed Remus through the kitchen, to the back garden where a massive table was set
up under a cloth canopy. He recognised Dorcas at once, the dancer wearing a floral hijab, smiling
at whatever the curly-haired woman was signing next to her.
James and Sirius were stood at the base of a tree, looking up at a massive treehouse, and when
Remus stepped down further, he could see Regulus at the top of the ladder, hammering
something.
“The boys decided today would be the best day to finish off Harry’s treehouse,” Lily explained.
They started walking toward the canopy. “Do you know everyone here?”
“Nearly,” Remus said.
Lily made quick introductions, her signs efficient and fast. ‘This is REMUS.’
The second woman introduced herself as Mary, and then Remus said hello to Dorcas before he
was unceremoniously dragged across the grass by James to where Sirius was standing. Remus
tried not to stare, but the dancer looked amazing in tight, ripped jeans, an off-the-shoulder black t-
shirt, and his long hair falling round his shoulders in waves. He gave Remus a shy smile, waving
his hand in greeting as Remus walked up.
‘How are you?’ Sirius signed.
‘Good.’ Remus offered him a tentative smile. ‘Wrist better?’
Sirius looked down, then laughed. ‘Yes, thank you. My hero.’
Remus felt his throat go tight, and he looked up at Regulus for a second who gave Remus a quick
head nod before getting back to work. ‘Looks good,’ Remus signed. ‘How much work did you
do?’
Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘A lot. I’m very helpful.’
Remus laughed and nodded. ‘I believe you.’
Sirius leant in toward Remus. “Sarcasm suits you. You want to go inside with me and get a
drink?”
Remus flushed, but nodded and let Sirius take his hand, pulling him along. Just before he was out
of sight, he caught James’ grin and hated—but also very much didn’t hate—how right the teacher
had been.
***
The rest of the afternoon passed with a flurry of food and conversation. Remus was following
along the signs better than he expected, and at times forgot about speaking completely. After the
food, the party moved inside where it was a little more cramped, and after a short while, Remus
started to feel the twinges of sensory overload.
He felt his concentration slipping as he attempted to chat with Mary, and several times James had
to tap his shoulder to get his attention. He signed repeated apologies, but it was only getting
worse. The buzzing in his ears began, and even the smallest sounds of Harry playing with his lego
were piercing.
It was just before he completely slipped that Sirius’ hand took his. It was warm and careful, and
eased him up off the sofa and down the hall. Without asking, Remus followed Sirius into a dimly
lit, warm room with a wide sofa, a telly mounted on the wall, and several bookshelves stuffed to
the brim with novels.
“Breathe,” Sirius instructed. He was stepping back away from Remus, giving him space.
Remus nodded, letting himself take careful breaths. His heart was hammering, but the low light
and pressing quiet were enough to settle his pulse a bit, and his hands stopped shaking. Once he
was composed, he looked up and gave Sirius a sheepish smile.
‘Sorry.’
Sirius walked over and took Remus by the shoulders. “You okay?”
Remus looked down at his feet. “Yeah. I’ve been better…but…” His words were cut off when
Sirius grabbed him by the chin and turned his face up.
“I’ve only one working aid right now, and it’s my bad ear. Just need to see your lips, okay love?”
Remus blushed. “Shit, sorry.” He raised his hands. ‘Signing better?’
Sirius laughed. ‘Yes, but if you’re too anxious…’
‘I’m fine. Better,’ Remus insisted. ‘Thank you, this helped.’
Sirius raised his hand, his eyebrows up. “May I? Or is touch overwhelming?”
Remus nodded, and his eyes closed a bit when Sirius’ soft palm pressed to his cheek. His thumb
stroked along his cheekbone, over toward his ear, then down to press against his jaw.
“You’re lovely,” Sirius breathed.
Remus’ eyes opened, and he stared at Sirius’ face. ‘Why? Why me?’
Sirius barked a laugh, still holding Remus tight. “Why not you? You’re bloody gorgeous. I’ve
wanted to kiss you since the second I met you.”
Remus swallowed thickly. ‘I’m a mess.’
Sirius shook his head. “You’re amazing. There’s nothing wrong with what you are.”
His throat tight, body humming with desire, Remus took another step closer to Sirius and reached
out with bold hands, drawing his thumb under Sirius’ bottom lip. He trailed it down his jaw,
cupping round the back of his neck, then bending his head low. “You still want to kiss me?”
Sirius startled a bit. “I really hope I heard that right, Remus. Because fuck. I want to kiss you.”
Remus nodded, giving tacit permission, then closed half the distance between them. It was all
Sirius needed. Their mouths met, tongues carefully sliding against one another, and arms wrapped
around each other, holding tight and close. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. Remus felt safe and
wanted for the first time in a long time, and he never wanted it to end.
When the kiss broke, Sirius pulled back and cupped Remus’ cheek again. “I want to see you. For
a date. For…for everything. Will you go out with me?”
Remus laughed, pressing his forehead against Sirius for a moment before pulling back to sign,
‘Yes. I will go on a date with you.’
***
Six Months Later
Remus was waiting with open arms, expectantly as Sirius rushed off stage and jumping on his
boyfriend. Long, muscular legs wrapped round Remus’ waist, holding tight as Sirius pushed their
mouths together, slipping his tongue into Remus’ hot and demanding.
They broke apart when there was a scoff beside them, and Remus turned his head to see Regulus
rolling his eyes, though he was grinning lightly. ‘Gross.’
‘Fuck off,’ Sirius managed to sign whilst still in Remus’ grasp. ‘You’re gross. Your face is gross.’
‘Why don’t you take your PDA into your dressing room you twat.’
Sirius looked back at Remus with a feral grin. “Mm, best idea all night. What do you say, love?”
Remus carefully eased Sirius down and pressed one swift kiss to his lips. ‘I say yes. Because I
have a surprise for you that means me slowly stripping off your leotard.’
Sirius let out a groan and pulled Remus close, whispering against kiss-swollen lips, “Remus
Lupin, I love you so much.”
Remus pulled back and carefully signed, ‘I love you too, Sirius. Forever.’
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