ONTHELINE

AnOutofLineNovel

JENMCLAUGHLIN

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Thisonegoesouttomygrandfather,whosufferedfromdementiainhislastyear.There

isn’tadaywedon’tmissyou,Pee-Paw.

Contents

10.

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12.

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14.

15.

16.

17.

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20.

21.

22.

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24.

25.

26.

27.

28.

29.

30.

31.

ONE

Sarah

he bloated, distorted features of the woman’s face were almost
unrecognizable. The sun shone off the waters of the bay, casting a cheery

glowupontheotherwisedismalscene.Birdssanginthedistanceasaseagullsatonthe
hotsandstaringatme,almostasifitknewthatIfeltasunqualifiedforthisjobastheman
whohaddrovedrunkandputthiswomanintothebaytwonightsago.

Swallowinghard,Iglancedatthepictureinmyhand,thenbackatthepale,swollen

face that had already become a meal for some hungry fish. Though it was almost
impossibletodistinguishonefeaturefromthenext,Ihadnodoubtastowholayonthe
shore.“It’sdefinitelyMaryHendricks.”

Behindme,mymalepartner(whotooktheroleofoverbearingalphamaletoawhole

newlevel)shiftedhisweightontotheballsofhisfeetandscoffed.“Justlikethat?”

“Justlikethat,”Isaid,tiltingmyheadbacktostareatthemanwhoCaptainhadpaired

mewith—morethanlikely,onpurpose.Justtotortureme.“Isthereaproblem,Rollins?”

“Yeah.Idon’tknowhowyoudiditinNorthCarolina,butinCalifornia?Weusually

waitforDNAordentalrecordstostatewhoourvictimsare.”

IfIheardthatphraseonemoretime,Iwasgoingtoexplode.

Ever since I’d come back to California, everyone had been throwing my abrupt

departureforcollegeinmyface,asifithadbeenabadthingtospreadmywingsandgo
elsewhereforafewyears.Everyonemightnotknowit,butIhadaprettygoodreasonfor
doingso,andifanyoneshouldknowthatreason…itwasmypartner.I’dhadadamngood
reasonforfleeing,andheknewit.JustlikeIhadadamngoodreasonforcomingback,
afterallthistime.

“WedidthesameinNorthCarolina,butinthiscase?”Igesturedatthevictim’sarm,

pointingatthetattoothatsaidGirlPower.“IwaswithMarywhenshegotthistattoo,as
wellastheonebelowit.”Thistime,IpointedatthetattoothathadMLHinfancyscrawl.
“Whichliterallyhasherinitialsonit,so,yeah,I’mgoingtogoaheadandsaythatthisis
MaryHendricks.”

Rollinsflexedhisjaw,staringdownatme.“Still,noofficialwordwillbespreaduntil

wegettheresultsbackfromforensics.”

“Obviously,”Isaiddryly,standingandswipingmyfreehandonmypencilskirt.I’d

worn a light khaki colored one today, along with a checkered blouse. Every day when I
dressed,IspentwaytoolongagonizingoverwhatoutfitwouldrepresentthewomanIwas
now—strong, empowered, independent, responsible—as opposed to the girl I’d been—
irresponsible, reckless, wild. The girl who had gotten her heart broken, and run away
insteadoffacingthepain.

Iwasn’tthatgirlanymore.

Toobadnooneelsecouldseethat.

RollinsgesturedtoCSI.“It’sallyours.”

“Thankyou,”Isaid,smilingatthem.

Noneofthemmetmyeyes.Typical.

Rollins started toward our waiting car without waiting for me. I followed him,

studying his broad biceps and even broader arms. Once upon a time, I’d clung to those
shouldersashekissedmesweetlyandtoldmehelovedme,butthathadbeenyearsago,
when I’d been another person. I wasn’t that naive girl anymore, no matter what anyone
elsethought.

Slidingintothepassengerseat,IopenedthefileI’dplacedonholdandsetthephotos

insideit,scribblingmythoughtsdownonthelegalpad.AsIwrote,IcouldfeelRollins’
eyesonme.

“What?”Iasked,notliftingmyhead.

“Whyareyouwritingonpaper?You’lljusthavetodoitagainlater.”

“BecauseIdon’twanttoforgetanything.”

Hestartedthecar,shakinghishead.“Okay.”

Ibitmytongue,refusingtorisetothebait.He’dbeentryingtogetundermyskinfrom

the moment we’d been assigned as partners, and I wasn’t about to let him succeed. “I
rememberthingsbetterwhenthey’refreshinmymind.”

“AsIrecallit,youneverforgetanything.”

The sarcasm in his tone was impossible to miss. “I don’t forget things that are

importanttome,no.”

“So,yourjobisn’t?”heimmediatelyshotback.

“I didn’t say that.” I set the pen down and looked at him. “Don’t put words in my

mouth,Rollins.”

Herolledhiseyesatmyuseofhislastname.Inmyopinion,justbecausewe’dseen

eachothernakedyearsagodidn’tmeanweneededtobeonafirstnamebasisonthejob.
Nottomentionthathadbeenalifetimeago,andI’dnevermakethatmistakeagain.“AsI
recall,youhateitwhenIdothat,too.”

“Thendon’tdoit.”

Heshrugged.“Whatwouldbethefuninthat?”

The sun gleamed through his driver’s window, shining off his blond hair and almost

blindingme.Hisjawwashard,chiseledfromstone,andhepressedhismouthintoatight
line,likeheusuallydidaroundme.Hisgreeneyescurrentlyhidbehindshades,butmore
thanlikelyhe’dnarrowedthemontheroadashegrippedthesteeringwheelsotighthis
knucklesshowedwhite.Heworeablacksuitwithawhitebuttonupshirtandasensible
tie,likeusual.

Itannoyedmehowhandsomehewas,mostlybecauseheannoyedmesomuch.

“Doyougetoffonpickingonme?”Iasked,unabletohelpmyself.

Somuchfornottakingthebait.

Hislipsquirkedintoasmirk.“Youknowwhatgetsmeoff.”

“No,Idon’t.”

The smirk widened. “Oh, right. That’s one of the reasons we broke up—you never

gaveadamnaboutwhatIwantedoutoflife.”

Andjustlikethat,Ilostmycool.Damnhim.“AsIrecallit,webrokeupbecauseyou

—”Icutmyselfoff.Notdoingthis.Notfightingwithmyex.Nope.

He slammed his breaks at the red light, swiveling to face me with flared nostrils.

“BecauseIdidwhat,Sarah?”

“Light’sgreen,”Isaiddryly,archingmybrows,refusingtoanswerhim.

Heknewwhathedid.HejustthoughtIdidn’tknow.

Hemutteredafewchoicewordsandsteppedonthegas,hisknuckleseventighteron

thewheelthanbefore.Itwasamiracleitdidn’tbreakunderpressure.“Thisisahorrible
idea.”

“Whatis?”

“Us,togetheragain.”Heglancedatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.“Youneedtoask

forreassignment.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Youcanaskforreassignment.”

“Whyme?”hedemanded.

“Whyme?”

He pulled into the parking spot and slammed the car into park. “Because you’re the

onewhowaltzedbackintotown,thrustingyourselfintomylifeuninvited,and—”

“Ididn’tthrustintoanythingofyours.”

Yankinghiskeysoutoftheignition,hepressedhislipstogether.“Iknow.Iremember

that,too.”

I closed my eyes and counted to three. It did nothing to calm me down. “I swear to

God,Rollins—”

“What?”Heblinkedatmeinnocently.“Toomuch?”

Iglaredathim,sayingnothing.

“There’saneasyfixtothis.”

Grippingthedoorhandle,Iunbuckledandhuggedmyfiletomychest.Myheartbeat

hardagainstit,fasterthanusual.Probablybecauseofhim,whichonlymademeangrier.
Hetookhisshadesoff,andtheforceofhiseyeslockingonminealmostmademeholdmy
breath.Almost.

“Ohyeah?Andwhat’sthat?”Imanagedtoask.

“Do what you do best. Give up and walk away.” With that, he took his own advice,

openedhiscardoor,andwalkedaway.

Ifonlyitwasaseasyformetodo.

TWO

“I

Ben

t isn’t working,” I said slowly, staring at my empty beer with my jaw clenched.
EversinceSarahhadcomebackintotown,myjawhadbeeninapermanentstate

oftension.NowIspentmostofmynightstossingandturning,tornbetweenfantasizing
abouthersoftlipsandevensofterhair,andwantingtoscreamathertogetthehelloutof
mytownlikeshehadtenyearsago.

“Well, duh,” my best friend, and old partner, said. “I could have told you that.” He

paused,tappinghischin.“Oh,wait,Ididtellyouthat.”

“ItoldCaptainthesamething,buthesaidthathewaspissedthecommissionermade

himtakeheron,sothebestwaytoscareheroffwastopairherwiththeonlypersonshe
hatesmorethanhim.”

Hernandezsnorted.“You.”

“Yep,me.”

“Yeah,well,yourdad’sanasshole,”Hernandezsaid,grinning.

“Yep.”

“Andsoareyou,”mybestfriendaddedhelpfully.

Ishrugged.“Probably.”Afteramomentofsilence,Iadded,“Youknow,shehasyetto

usemyrealname.InsistsoncallingmeRollins.”

“Wealluselastnames,”Hernandezsaid,frowning.“Hell,nooneusesmyrealname.”

Oneofourfriends,andHernandez’soldcombatbuddy,FinnCoram,slidintotheseat

nexttous.Hedidn’tdrink,sohewassippingonacokeinsteadofabeer.“Carriedoes.”

“Carrie’s the only exception,” Hernandez said. “How is she, anyway? And how’s

Cory?”

“Great,andgreat.He’swalking,”Finnsaid,grinningwithpride.CarrieandFinnhad

beenmarriedforalmosttenyears,andwerequitehappilytheparentsoftwochildren,one
ofwhichwasalittleoverayearold.“Andadorableashell.”

“Ofcourse,”Hernandezagreed.

Inodded,too.“Obviously.”

“Sowhatarewetalkingabout?”Finnasked,settlingin.

“Ben’sex,andhowshecallshimRollinsinsteadofBen.”

Finnfrowned.“Don’tallcopsdothat?”

“Yeah,butwehaven’tallfuckedoneanother,havewe?”Ishotback.

“I don’t know,” Hernandez said his lip quirking up in a smile. “There was that one

timewherewewokeupinthatbed—”

“Shutthefuckup,”Igrowled.

Hernandezlaughed,butdidindeedshutthefuckup.

Finnarchedabrow.“Man,I’dlovetohearthatstory.”

“Didsheevertellyouwhysheran?”Hernandezasked.

“No,andIdon’tgiveadamn,”Imuttered.Itwasalie.Igaveadamn.HowcouldI

not?We’dbeenhappy,andthehighschool’sITcouple.Everyoneenviedus,hatedus,or
wantedtobeus.Thenonedayshejustdecidestostoptalkingtome,asksforspace,and
then moves to North Carolina for college after telling me she was done, with tears
streamingdownherface?Yeah.Icared.“Itwasforeverago.”

“You totally sound like a guy who doesn’t give a damn,” Hernandez said dryly. His

darkbrownhairwasasperfectlycombedbackasalways,andhisdeepbrowneyeswere
shining with amusement—again, as always. Despite his time in the Marines, and all the
shit he’d seen overseas, there was nothing that my best friend couldn’t find humor in…
includingmycurrentplightofbeingpartneredwiththeonewomanwhohadmanagedto
breakmyheart.

Iflippedhimoff.

Finnpointedatme,staringmedown.“Youtotallywanttoknow.Don’tbullshitus.”

Isaidnothing.

Thebartendercameoverwithourrefills.ThankGod.“Thanks,Molly.”

Shewinkedatme.“Anythingforyou,Officer.”

“Detective,”Hernandezsuppliedhelpfully.

Sheshrugged.“Whatever.”

Hernandezopenedhismouth,losinghislaughing-at-the-worldlook,butFinnelbowed

him.“Letherbe,”hewhispered.

“Shejustsaid—”Hernandezstarted,gesturingatherangrily.

“Iknow.”Ipickedupmybeer.“Letitgo.”

“Whatever,” he echoed. Hernandez huffily picked up his Guinness, scowling at her

back.“You’renotallowedtofuckher.”

Ichokedonmybeer,coughing.

Finn burst into laughter. Half the feminine eyes turned toward him with interest, but

theywerewastingtheirtime.Finnonlyhadeyesforhiswife.“Jesus,Hernandez.”

“What?” Hernandez said innocently. “She’s been eyeing him for years. It’s no secret

shewantsit.”

“Notinterested,”Imuttered.

Infact,theonlywomanI’dbeeninterestedinlatelywasmyreluctantpartner.Toobad

I’d already had her once, and she’d broken my heart. Why had she come back to
Somerton?Itwasbadenoughshe’drunawayinthefirstplace,butthenshehadthegallto
pretendithadbeenmyfaultthatshedecidedshedidn’tlovemeanymore?Oneday,we’d
been happy and planning to attend college together. The next, she was asking for space,
and then telling me she’d changed her mind, accepted a spot at Duke, and then she was
gone.

Justlikethat.

Shehadn’teventoldmewhy.

Four years of dating, dreams, and plans in high school—and I didn’t even get a

fuckingexplanation?AndyetIwasthebadguy?

“You have a thing for her still.” Finn said, breaking the silence. He gestured at

Hernandez.“JustlikethisoneandMarie.”

“Fuckyou,”Hernandezsaid,scowling,losinghisjovialairforthefirsttimethatnight.

“Ineverhadathingforher,andstilldon’t.”

“Yeah,okay,”Finnagreed,rollinghisbrightblueeyes.

“Shehastogo,”Icutin,interruptingwhatwouldsurelyturnintoafightI’dalready

heard a million times before. It was an ongoing argument between the two friends, and
hadbeenforaslongasI’dknownthem.

Finnshrugged.“Sogetridofher.”

“Ican’t.”Iranmyhanddownmyface.“Itoldhertorequestatransfer.Sherefused.”

Finnliftedabrow.“Thenyouaskforone.”

“Idid.”Ifrowned.“Dadsaidno.”

Youknow,Ididn’tevenknowwhyshedecidedtobecomeacop.LastI’dspokento

her,she’dbeenplanningonacareerinPsychology.Then,allofasudden,she’sbackand
she’s my partner? How did that even happen? Why’d she change her mind? Oh. Right.
That’swhatshedid.Changedhermindwithoutwarning.

Itwasherthing.

Hernandezsethisbeerdown,hiseyesshininginthatwaythatcouldonlyhintthathe

wasabouttocomeupwithadeviousplan.LasttimeIhadseenthatlook,thelocalhigh
schoolmascothadendedupontheschoolroof—andno,wehadn’tbeeninhighschoolat
thetime.Captainhadbeenpissed.“So,makeithappen.”

“How?”Iaskedcautiously.

“Youtwohavehistory.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Noshit,Sherlock.”

“Well,useit.”

“That’sfuckedup,man,”Finnsaid,whistlingthroughhisteeth.

Istiffened,catchingontowhathewassaying.“Noway.”

“Whynot?”Hernandezshiftedcloser,hiseyesshining.

“Becausehe’snotanasshole,”Finnansweredforme.

IpointedatFinn.“Whathesaid.”

“If Captain finds out you two are fucking, which goes against his policy, then he’ll

have no choice but to reassign one—or both—of you. Or he may even terminate her
employment.”Hernandezshrugged.“MaybeI’llevengetmypartnerback.”

Finnshookhishead,clearlynotlikingthisplan.

NeitherdidI.“Idomissbeingyourpartner…Butstill,Ican’tdoit.Noteventoher.”

“Suityourself,”Hernandezsaid.

“Besides,shewouldn’tevenwantto.Sheseemstoblamemeforwhateverledtoher

leavingallthoseyearsago—whichmakesnosense.”

Hernandez snorted. “Not at all. She’s the one who screwed you over—not the other

wayaround.Shedeserveswhateveryouthrowather,ifyouaskme.”

“Shedidn’tscrewmeover.”Ifrownedatmybeer.“Shejustleft.Peopleleave.”

Finn shook his head, surveying the crowd around them. He never chilled and just

enjoyedhistime.Hewasalwaysonalert.Alwayswatching.Guessthatcamewithbeing
theson-in-lawofahigh-profilepresidentialcandidate,though.“Notlikethat.”

“Exactly.” Hernandez picked up his beer. “Did you tell her you cried after she left

you?”

Isnorted.“No.”

“Maybeyoushould,”Hernandezsaid.

“Yeah.That’llscareheroff,”Finnadded.

Thistime,heearnedmymiddlefinger.

“I’mtellingyou,myplanisflawless.Notonlydoesitallowforalittlebitofrevenge,

but it also gets rid of her. Because we all know what’ll happen if you two get back
togetheragain,”Hernandezsaidcryptically.

Iliftedabrow.“Besidesusgettingreassigned?”

“Yep.”

Sighing,Itookthebaitagainstmybetterjudgementandasked,“What?”

“Well…”Hernandezgrinned.“She’llrunoffonyouagain,ofcourse.”

“Fuckyou,”Igrowled.

THREE

Sarah

walked into my kitchen, rubbing the back of my neck, grimacing at all the
knots that had developed since coming back to this town. Since my return,
everyonehadtriedtobelittleme,andmakemequit.SoI’dhadtoworktwice

ashardasmycoworkerstoprovemyself…includingmypartner.

PartofthatwasbecauseIwasawoman,butmostofitwasbecauseIwaswhoIwas—

thegirlwhohadleft,andthencamebacktotownwithmytailbetweenmylegs.Ifithad
beenuptome,Ineverwouldhavesetfootbackhereagain,butithadn’tbeenuptome,
hadit?Plasteringasmileonmyface,Icalledout,“Grace?”

Grace came out, wearing blue scrubs today, and a weary look on her face. “Hey.

You’reback.”

“Yes,sorryI’mlate,Ihadtoworkonacase.”Isetmypurseonthetablenexttothe

millionsofprescriptionbottles.“Howisshetoday?”

“Nottoogreat,”Gracesaidslowly.We’dbeenfriends,onceuponatime,sowhenit

came time to find a full-time nurse for my mom, it only made sense to go to a familiar
face.IthadtobesomeoneIcouldtrust,andprivacywasanumberonepriorityforme.No
one needed to know about my mom’s health issues. I didn’t need even more people
doubtingmycommitmenttothejob,andmyabilitiestofocuswhenonthecase.They’d
useanythingtogetridofme.

OfthatIhadnodoubt.

Especiallymypartner.

“Wassheupset?”Iasked.

“Foralittlewhile.Afterthesunwentdown,likeusual.”Shesatdown,lettingouta

longsigh.“Withdementia,that’snormal.TheycallitSundownersSyndrome.Herdisease
is progressing, and unfortunately it’ll probably be downhill from here, especially in the
evenings.”Shepaused.“I’mnotgoingtosugarcoatitforyou.Thisisn’tgoingtobeeasy.”

Iswallowedhard.“Itneveris,isit?”

Graceshookherhead.“I’mwillingtobeherefulltime,youknowthat,butultimately,

you might end up having to place her in a home. Sometimes that’s the safest option for
dementiapatientswhorequirearoundtheclockcare.”

“No.”Irubbedmytemples,myheartwrenchingattheideaofputtingmymotherina

facility.“Icandothis.Icantakecareofher.”

Grace nodded, reaching down to her bag and pulling out a stack of papers and

catalogs.“Okay.Here’sthestuffIwastellingyouabout.Also,Iincludedsomecatalogs.
It’sagoodideatochangethelocksystemsoshecan’tgetoutinthemiddleofthenight
whileyou’resleeping.”

I swallowed past my aching throat. This was too much. The idea of my mother

slipping outside unattended while I slept… God, could I do this? Could I oversee my
mom’ssafety?CouldI…?Yes,Icould.Ihadnochoice.Thiswasmymother.Onewayor
another,I’ddowhatIhadtodo.

“Th-Thankyou,”Imanagedtosay.

Grace eyed me sympathetically, reaching out and squeezing my hand. “I’m here for

you,anythingyouneed,I’mhere.DidyoutellBenaboutyourmom?”

“No, absolutely not.” I pulled free. “No one can know what I’m dealing with.

Knowing them, they’d somehow use it against me, and try to say I’m unfit for the job.
Captaindidn’tevenwanttoletmein,andmyoldbosshadtopullsomemajorfavorsfor
me.They’djumpatanyopportunitytogetridofme,soI’mnotgivingthemone.What
happensinmyhouseismybusiness,andonlymine.”

Graceshookherhead.“Idon’tthinkBenwoulddothat.He’sagoodguy.”

Yeah, so good he’d cheated on me, and then acted like I’d been the bad guy for

runningawaybecauseithurttoomuch.“Yeah.He’sgreat.”Iswallowed,studyingGrace’s
flushedcheeks.“Didyoutwo…Areyoutwo…?”

“No.”Graceshookherhead.“Wehadathing,onenight,yearsago,buthe’salways

beennothingbutkindtome.Ithinkhe’dsurpriseyou,despiteyourpast.”

I shrugged, not liking the idea of Ben’s hands on my former best friend. We might

haveendedthingsyearsago,butitstillhurt.OutofallthegirlsinSomerton,he’dhadto
goafterGrace?“Maybe,maybenot.Iwon’tbefindingout.”

Ididn’ttrustBen,notonelittlebit.

Gracestood,smilingandtuckingherhairbehindherears.“Well,IguessI’llbegoing

homenow.Seveninthemorningagain?”

“Yes,please.”Istoodtoo.“Thankyou.”

“Anytime.”

Grace left, closing the door behind her. I took a second to cover my face, take a

shudderingbreath,andfeelsorryformyself—andmymom.

ButthatwasallIgavemyself.Onesecond.

ThenIputmybiggirlpantieson,asmymotherusedtoalwayssay,andmademyway

intothebackofthehouse,tomymom’sroom.“Goodevening.”

AsIentered,Ibracedmyselfforthemomentwhenmymotherlookedatme…andhad

no clue who I was. My mom, whose brown eyes had once held warmth and pride

whenevertheylookedatme,wereflatandlifelessastheystudiedmenow.Therewasno
warmth.Nopride.Justconfusion.“Areyouthenightnursetonight?”

“Yes.I’mthenightnurse.Areyouhungry?”

Shehesitated.“Alittle.”

“Whatwouldyoulike?”

Momfrowned.“Pudding.I’dlikechocolatepudding,withrainbowsprinkles.Don’tbe

cheapwiththesprinkles,they’remyfavoritepart.”

“Iknow,”Imanagedtosay,keepingthesmileonmyfacedespitetheloomingtears.

“I’llgiveyouextraextrasprinkles.Ipromise.”

“Andcheckonmybaby.Iheardhercryingearlier.”

Swallowingpastthepain,Inodded,goingalongwithmymother’swordseventhough

it hurt more than I could ever possibly describe. In my mom’s world, I was still a baby,
andshewasstillayoungsinglemotherfightingtomakeendsmeet.I’dneverknownjust
howmuchshestruggleduntilshe’dforgottenwhoIwas,andtalkedtomeasacolleague,
instead of her child. A tear escaped down my cheek, but I angrily swiped it away. “I’ll
checkonSarah,don’tworry.”

Mom relaxed against the pillow. “Good. That child… Honestly, she never stops

crying.Thegirl’sgoingtohavetotoughenup.”

“I’vegother,”Ipromised,bitingdownonmylipsohardithurt.“I’lltellher.”

AsIwalkedout,Iswipedthetearsoffmycheeksandstraightenedmyspine,mentally

tellingmyselftoknockitoff,andpullittogether.Imissedmymom.Missedhavingher
armsaroundme,huggingme,andtellingmeeverythingwouldbeallright,becauseGod,I
neededsomeonetotellmeeverythingwasgoingtobeokayrightaboutnow.

FOUR

Ben

he next morning, I walked over to Sarah’s desk slowly, studying her as I
drew closer. She typed furiously, her forehead slightly scrunched in

concentrationlikesheusedtodobackinhighschool.Shewasbitingherbottomlipasher
fingersflewoverthekeys.Herfacelookedalittlepaletoday,andshehadbagsunderher
eyes,asifshehadn’tsleptwellthenightbefore.

Whyhadn’tshesleptwellthenightbefore?

Had she been with someone? That, of course, was none of my damn business. Not

anymore.Andyet…Icouldn’tstopthejealousyrollinginmygutatthethoughtofsome
othermankeepingheruplateatnight.Onceuponatime,thathadbeenmyjob.I’dbeen
goodatit.

Thathadn’tstoppedherfromleaving,though.

Herlongbrownhairwaspulledbackinasensiblebuntoday,butIknewfrommemory

howsoftitfeltagainstmyfingers,andhowlongitwaswhensheletitfalldownherback
inthickwaves.Hermediumskinwassofterthanthefinestsilks,andherdarkbrowneyes,
when they weren’t glaring at me in frustration, would shine with life and thought. She
mightonlybefive-foot-two,butwhenshewaspissedatme(whichwasoften)shegave
offtheappearanceofamuchlargerwoman.Iknewthatfromexperience,too.

Alltoowell.

Asifshesensedmyapproach,sheliftedherhead.Shedidindeedhavebagsunderher

eyes,soI’dbeenrightaboutthenotsleepingpart.“Latenight?”Iaskeddryly,unableto
stopmyself.

Shefrowned.“Whywouldyouaskmethat?”

“Bags.”Ipointedatmyeyes.“Fordays.”

Sheliftedherfingerstohercheeks,flushingslightly.“Oh.”

“Gooutdancing?”

Herlushredlipspressedintoathinline.“No.Ididn’tgooutdancing.”

“Oh.Ahotdate?”

Sheslammedherglassesdown.“No.”

“Whyareyousoangry?”Iasked,holdingmyhandsupinsurrender.“AsIrecall,you

lovehittingtheclubs,dancingwithstrangers,andgetting—”

“ThatwaswhenIwasateenager,”shesnapped,settingherhandsintoherlaptokeep

mefromseeinghowirritatedshewas.Itdidn’twork.Isaw.Ialwayssaw…andIknewall
hertricks.“Ihaven’tgonedancinginaclubsincemysecondyearatcollege.”

Iliftedabrow,shiftingthefileIwasholdingtomylefthand.“Whynot?”

“Because—” She stopped talking, narrowing her eyes. Ah, there it was. The cool

disdainshealwaysshowedme.“Doyouneedsomething,Rollins?”

IfshecalledmeRollinsonemoretime…Islappedthefileonmyopenpalm,forcinga

smileIdidn’tfeel.“Yeah,wehaveacase.Let’sgo.”

“ButI’mstillworkingon—”

“And now you’re working on another.” I challenged her with my stare. “Unless you

can’thandlethat?Areyouincapableofmultitasking?”

Stiffening,shestood.Sheworeaplaidshirttuckedintoapairofblacktrousers,witha

blackblazerontop.Itwasprofessional.Prim.Proper.Istillcouldn’ttakemyeyesoffher.
“Iamperfectlycapable.”

“Well,then?”Isaidcockily,gesturingforthedoor.

Saying nothing, she brushed past me, her arm barely touching my abs—yet I felt it.

Fuck,didIfeelit.Beingaroundherwastorturous.Itmighthavebeenyearssinceshe’d
beenmine,butI’dnevergottenoverher.Notcompletely.Forme,ithadalwaysbeenher.

SometimesIfeareditwouldalwaysbeher,too.

I followed her, doing my best to keep my gaze transfixed on the back of her head,

instead of dipping down to her swinging hips. She’d always had a way of walking that
kindofmadeitlooklikeshefloated,andthegracefulnesswithwhichshemoveddefied
gravityitself.Andthewaythosepantshuggedherass?Agiftfromheavenitself.

Halfway toward the door, someone grabbed my arm. Hernandez stepped in front of

me.“Dude.”

“What?”Iasked,blinking,snappingoutofit.

“Iwasjustkidding,youknow.”

NowIwasreallyconfused—andbehind.Sarahwasalreadyoutside.Ishiftedmyfeet

restlessly.“Aboutwhat?”

“Seducing her.” Hernandez glanced over his shoulder and shuffled closer. “I didn’t

meanit.That’splayingdirty,man.”

Iblinkedagain.“I’mnotseducingher.”

“So,you’rejuststaringatherlikeyou’restarvingandshe’sasteakforfun,then?”

Shit.HadIbeenstaring?

“Ohhhh.”Hernandeznodded,eyeingmeup.“Oh.Isee.”

“Youseewhat?”Iaskedbetweenclenchedteeth.

“Why this isn’t going to work.” He stepped back, rubbing his jaw. “You still have a

thingforher.”

“Idonot.”

Hernandezsnorted.“Yeah.Okay.”

The door opened, and Sarah stuck her head in, her Ray Bans lowered on her nose.

“Rollins?Youcoming?”

Hernandezsnorted.

Ielbowedhim.“Yeah,I’mcoming.”

“No,you’renot,”Hernandezmuttered.

Iwalkedaway,ignoringmybestfriend.AsIapproached,Sarahheldthedoorforme

politely.Forsomereason,thispissedmeoffevenmore.“Thanks,”Isaidundermybreath.

Sheeyedme.“What’swrong?”

“Nothing.”

Shefellintostepbesideme.“Ifyousayso.”

“Ido.”Itookthekeysouttomycar,unlockingit.“I’mdriving.”

Sighing,shewalkedtothepassengersideofmyblackCharger.“Youalwaysdrive.”

“Isawyourdrivingrecord.”

Hercheeksflushedassheslidintoherseat.“Youdidabackgroundcheckonme?”

“OfcourseIdid.IalwaysdowhenIgetanewpartner.”Istartedthecarandslidmy

shadesintoplace.“WanttotellmeaboutwhathappenedinthatclubinNorthCarolina?”

Hercheekswentevenredder.“Nope.”

“Fine.”Ishrugged.“Itwon’tbeatwhatI’veimaginedanyway,I’msure.”

Herjawfell.“Howcouldyoupossiblythinksomethingdirtyhappenedthatnight?You

readthereport.”

“It’smyspecialtytofinddirtinessineverything.”

“Itwasnothinglikethat,”Isnapped.

“Thenwhatwasit?”

“Itwasnoneofyourdamnbusiness,”shesaidimmediately,smilingsweetlyatme.

How did she manage to look like an angel, with the promise of death blazing in her

eyes?“Suityourself.”

“WanttotellmeaboutDecembertwoyearsago?”sheshotback.

Ibackedoutofmyspot.“Nope.”

“That’swhatIthought.”

I gritted my teeth and pulled out onto the road. “Actually, you know what? I will. I

went to the bar, and there was an asshole there picking on a group of out of towners,
throwing racial slurs left and right. So I stood up, asked him to leave, and he refused.
Whenherefused?”Ishruggedashoulder.“Ishowedhimthewayoutpersonally.”

“Withyourfist,”shesaidsoftly.

“Amongotherthings.”

Shenodded,staringoutthewindow.“Good.”

“Itoldyoumine,nowyoutellmeyours.”

Sighing,shetracedaninvisiblepathonthedoor.“Iwasseeingaguywhowasn’tso

nice.Hegotmadatmefortalkingtomystudypartner—acuteguy—andpunchedhim.
WhenItriedtostophim,hedraggedmeawayandhitme—”

Igrowledundermybreath.

“And broke my nose.” She touched her nose as if it was visible. It wasn’t. “He

threatenedtokillmeifItoldthemhedidit,soItoldthemIgotpunchedbysomegirlina
barfightoveraguy.”

Iswallowedhard.“Didhehityoubeforethat?”

“He…”Shestiffened.“Doesitmatter?”

“Sarah…”

Sighing,shefidgetedwithherseatbelt.“It’sdone.He’sgone.Itdoesn’tmatter.”

Sonofabitch.“Justtellmeonething.Isheinjail?”

Sheliftedashoulder.“HewaswhenIleft.”

Hebetterbeinjail.Ifhewasn’t,Imighthavetopayhimavisit.Thenagain…maybe

it would be better if he wasn’t. Clearly, the man needed someone to remind him how to
properlytreatalady.

AndIknewjustthewaytodoso.

FIVE

Sarah

shouldn’thavetoldhimthat.Itwasnoneofhisbusinesswhatkindofbadlife
choicesIhadmadeafterI’dleftSomerset.Justlikeitwasnoneofminewhat
had happened that night he’d gotten himself locked up for a bar fight. But

whenhe’dtoldmeabouthissecret,ithadjustseemedrighttodothesame.

Sighing,Ieyedhimcarefully.Hestaredoutthewindshield,focusedontheroad,andit

tookallmywillpowernottostareathim.Hisjawwassohardandhisstubblebeggedfor
myfingerstotouchit.ToseeifitwasascrispasIimagined.Myfingerstwitchedinmy
lap,butinsteadoffindingout,Ipickedupthefilehe’dsetbetweenusinstead.

AsIopenedit,hespoke.

“Domesticviolencecall.”

Myheartsank,andmypalmsstartedtosweat.Outofallthecasestoget…

No.Icoulddothis.

“The husband has a history of abuse, and no one has heard from the wife for three

days. No show for work. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing.” Ben flexed his jaw, his
grip on the steering wheel tight. “Her mother called it in, concerned he might have hurt
heragain.”

NoonehadknownwhatVinniehaddonetome.He’dscaredmeintosilence,andhad

threatenedtotakeeverythingawayfrommeifIopenedmymouth.I’dbelievedhimfor
toolong.

Pushingmyownthoughtsaside,Ifrownedatthefile.Therewerecountlessreportsof

abuse,andarrests.Iglancedatthefamilyprofile,relievedtoseetherewerenochildrenin
thehome.“Wedon’tusuallymakehousecalls.Whythisone?”

He didn’t bother to deny this was a special exception. “Captain is friends with the

mother.”

“Ah.”Iglancedatthename,recognizingitinstantly.“Shit.Liz?”

Henodded,hisjawstilltight.

I remembered Liz. She’d always been quiet, shy. Even back then, she’d cowered

behind her football playing boyfriend, never speaking out of turn. Guess they’d stayed
together,andgottenmarried.Toobadshehadn’tlefttownforcollege,andtriedtofinda

guywhowouldn’ttreatherhorribly.“Shemarriedhim?”

Henoddedagain.

Istaredatthereportsofabuse,feelingsicktomystomach.“Sheshould’velefttown.

Tried to find somewhere else where she wasn’t stuck standing behind him, keeping his
shadowcompany.”

He looked at me slowly, his shades hiding his eyes. “Not everyone can just pack up

their shit and go, Sarah. Sometimes, people stay. Sometimes they don’t have a choice.
You’reluckythatyouwereabletoleaveyoursituation,butnoteveryonecan.”

Tensing,Istareddownatthefile.Thiswasn’taboutme.Itwasaboutawomanwho

mayormaynotbeokay,allbecauseofanassholewhodidn’tknowhowtotreatawoman
right.

Weweresilenttherestoftheride.

After a few minutes, he pulled up to a one-story, brick home. Someone mowed the

lawn recently. Pruned flowers filled the flowerbeds, and the porch held no clutter. Just
some wicker furniture, a table, and a wind chime adorned it. Everything had been
carefullyarranged,pristine.Toopristine.

Benfrowned.“Idon’tlikethis.Ihaveabadfeeling.”

Iswallowedhard.Ashiverwentupmyspine.“Metoo.”

“Approachwithcaution,”hesaid,openinghisdoor.

I did the same, my hand on my Glock. “Together, or do you want to go around the

back?”

“Together.”Hesurveyedthehouse,frowning.“Idon’twantoneofusbeingtakenoff

guard.”

I nodded, not speaking, watching his back and surveying the surrounding trees.

Nothingmoved.Nothingmadeasound.Itwasquiet.Tooquiet.Thehairsroseontheback
ofmyneck,andIcreptclosertoBen.Imightnotlikeit,buthewasmypartner,andI’dbe
damnedifsomethinghappenedtohimonmywatch.Ashewentupthestairstotheporch,
InoticedsomethingIhadn’tseenfromthedriveway.

Astackofmailonthetablebesidethedoor.

Packages,flyers,letters.Alluntouched.

Thehaironthebackofmyneckrosehigher,andIstoppedwalking.“Ben.”

Heglancedbackatme,hiseyesslightlywide.Itwasn’tuntilhiswideeyesregistered

withminethatIrealizedI’dusedhisfirstnameforthefirsttimesincewe’dbeenpaired
up.“Yeah?”

“Holdup.”Isteppedcloser.“Weshouldcallforbackup.”

“Why?”heasked,frowning.

“Ihaveafeeling.Abadone.”

Ihalfexpectedhimtomakefunofme,orsaysomethingabouthowaroundhere,they

didn’t work on feelings, but facts. Instead, he surprised me. “I do, too. Unfortunately, I
don’tthinkweneedbackup.”

“But…”Iblinked.“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Breathedeeply.”

Frowning,Ididastold.Roses.Grass.Trees.Andthen…Oh,God.Andthen,Ismelled

it.“No.”

“Shit,” Ben muttered, walking closer and approaching the door carefully. “Think it’s

oneofthem,orboth?”

“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,breathingthroughmymouth,insteadofmynose,butitdidn’t

help.NowthatI’dsmelledit,therewasnounsmellingit.“Shouldwecallforbackupjust
incase?”

Heshookhishead,hisgazeonthefrontwindowasheremovedhishandfromthebutt

ofhispistol.“Noneed.”

Even though it was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do, I approached, looking

through the window, also. There they were—two bodies in varying stages of
decomposition.Therewasnomistakingthefactthattheywerebothdead.Verydead.Liz
lay to the left of her husband, her shirt covered with dried up blood on her chest. There
wasalineofbloodacrossthefloor,asifshemighthavetriedtocrawlawaybutultimately
failed.Whileherhusbandhadacleanshottohislefttemple,withnosignsofhavinglived
longenoughtohitthefloor.

Thatwasn’tfair.

Hedeservedfarworsethaninstantdeath.

My stomach rebelled, and I gasped a breath, turning around and bending over to

breathe slowly, steadily, through my mouth. In. Out. In. Out. As I focused on my
breathing,Bencalledthestation,informingtheCaptainthattheywerebothD.O.A.Itwas
notthenewseitheroneofushadhopedtoshare,butthatwaspartofthejob.Havingto
sharetheworstpossiblenews…

Attheworstpossibletime.

I glanced over my shoulder again, breathing heavily, my eyes locked on the couple

insidethehome.Thiscasehitwaytooclosetohome—especiallyconsideringwhatwe’d
beentalkingaboutontheridehere.AllIcouldthink,besidesthefactthatthisnever,ever
shouldhavehappened,was…

Thatcouldhavebeenme.

SIX

Ben

had no idea what the fuck I was doing right now. Sarah, in no way shape or
form,evergavemesomuchasacluethatshewasn’tokay,orthatshewanted
metoshowuponherdoortocheckonher.YethereIwas,atherdoor,with

everyintentionofcheckingonher.Therehadbeensomethinginhereyesaswesaidour
goodbyesthiseveningthathadstuckwithme.

Somethinghaunting.

Seeing Liz like that had been scarring, but I was kind of used to the horrible things

peopledidtooneanotherbynow.I’dseentoomuchshit.Arrestedtoomanymonsters.

In a way, I was numb to the horrors I witnessed every day—I had to be to move on

withmyday.IfIletthehorrorsoftheworldaffectme,Iwouldn’tbeabletodomyjob
calmlyandefficiently.Ineverlostmycool,wouldneverhesitatetotakeashotifIhadto,
andnevertookashotwhenIdidn’t.Inanysituation,Iknewwhattodo,andwhentodoit.

Itookprideinthat.

ButseeingthatlookinSarah’seyes…ithadsetmestraightonmyass.Therehadbeen

something there, something hidden in those deep brown depths, that I’d been unable to
ignore.

So.HereIwas.

ShiftingthesixpackIcarriedintomyotherhand,Iknockedsoftlythreetimes.Itwas

early still, only eight at night, but most of the lights were off in the house. Was she
sleepingalready?Footstepssounded,andIfeltherpresenceontheothersideofthedoor.

Yes,that’sright.Felt.

AftersuchalongpausethatIwassureshewasgoingtopretendshehadn’theardme

knock, the door unlocked with a click, and she opened it. “Rollins? What are you doing
here?Issomethingwrong?”

Guess it had been too much to hope that her slip up with my first name would be

permanent.“No,nothing’swrong.Ijust…”

When I didn’t continue, she cocked her head adorably. She wore a pair of pajama

pants with ducks on them, pink socks, and a strappy tank top that matched the yellow
ducks.“Youjustwhat?”

Something told me if I admitted that I was worried that the case from earlier might

havemadeheruneasy,duetoherpastwithherex,shewouldfreezeupandpushmeout.I
knewheraswellasIknewmyself,despitetheyearswe’dbeenapart,soIdidn’twantto
saythat.Instead,Isettledforadifferentversionofthetruth.“Westartedoffonthewrong
foot.”

She crossed her arms and leaned on the door jamb, watching me from under her

loweredlids.Jesus,herlasheswerethatlongwithoutmakeup?“Youmean,likewhenyou
said, and I quote, ‘Hell no, I’m not being her partner. Pick someone else.’ Is that what
you’rereferringto?”

Wincing,Inodded.“Yes.That.”

“Forgiven.”

Itwasmyturntocockmyhead.“Justlikethat?”

“Justlikethat.”

Isnorted.“Yeah.Okay.”

“Thiswasfun,thanksforstoppingby.”Shesteppedbackintothehouseandstartedto

closethedoorinmyface.“Buh-bye—”

“Wait.”

Sheblewoutabreathandpushedherdarkbrown,almostblack,hairoffhershoulder.

“What?”

“Ibroughtyoubeer.”Iliftedmyhand.“Andtakeout.”

Shefrowned,staringatme.“Why…?”

Thewayshelookedatmyhand,asifsheexpectedthefoodtojumpoutandpounceon

her,mademestiffen.HadIbeenthatmuchofapricktoherthatshedidn’teventrusta
meal coming from me? “Like I said, we started off on the wrong foot. I’d like to step
forwardontherightonethistime.MayI?”

She stared at me for so long I was starting to wonder if she’d been frozen in time.

Afterwhatfeltlikeamillionyears,shesaid,“Whyareyoudoingthis?”

“DoIhavetohaveareason?”Iaskedquietly,knowingdamnwellIdid.

After all, I’d made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with her from the moment

she’dsteppedfootinmyprecinct.

She stepped back outside and crossed her arms. “Yeah. Start with why you’re acting

likeI’mtheonewhomessedupallthoseyearsago.”

“Youleftmewithouttellingme—”Istarted,exasperationtakingoveranyattemptsI

hadatremainingcalmanddetached.Icutmyselfoff,swallowinghard.Yes,she’dleftme
behindwithoutanexplanation,andyes,I’dlovedhermuchmorethanshe’dlovedme,but
that didn’t change anything about here and now. She was my partner, for better or for
worse, and it was time we both accepted it. End of story. “I mean, we both know what
happenedbackthen.That’snotwhatmatters,whatmattersishereandnow.”

“Yes,wedoknowwhathappened.”Sheglancedbehindher,noddedonce,closedthe

door, then faced me. She squared her shoulders and pressed her mouth into a thin line,
lookingatmelikeshewasreadytodobattle.Shewantedtofight?Fine,we’dfight.ButI
hadnointentionoflosing.Notthistime.“Youcheatedonme.”

Myjawdropped,thenIsteppedcloser.OutofallthethingsIexpectedhertosay,it

wasn’tablatantlielikethat.“Ididwhat?”

“You.”Shepokedmychest,voluntarilytouchingmeforthefirsttimesinceshecame

backtotown.“Cheated.”Asmallpush.IplantedmyfeetsoIdidn’tbudge,whichonly
seemedtoannoyhermore.“On.”Anotherpoketothechest,harderthistime.“Me.”

Snarlingundermybreath,Icaughtherwrist.AndIdidn’tletgo.“ThehellIdid.”

“Don’tdenyit.”Shetriedtotugfree,butIdidn’tbudge.“Isawyou.”

“You saw nothing,” I snarled, stepping closer, towering over her with my six-foot-

three frame. She drew in a breath and held it as her nostrils flared slightly. “Because I
nevercheatedonyou.WhywouldIhave?IhadeverythingIwanted.”

She tried to pull free again. It didn’t work. “No one ever has everything they ever

wanted.”

“Yes,theydo.”Isteppedevencloser.Soclose,thatIcouldsmellherperfume.Shestill

worethesamedamnscentshe’dwornwhenshehadbeenmine.Itwaslikeaslaptothe
face,consideringwhatshewasaccusingmeof.“Idid.”

She shook her head and stepped back, only to hit the front door, so it didn’t do her

much good. “Why are you denying it? It was years ago. It’s not like we’re ever getting
togetheragain.”

“I’mdenyingitbecauseIdidn’tfuckingdoit.”Itriedmybesttokeepmyvoicedown.

Butitwashard.Thefactthatshebelievedherlies…

Itwasinfuriating.

For the first time since she started accusing me of this horrible thing, she looked

confused.Uncertain.“IsawyouinbedwithTiffanyThorne.”

I laughed. Straight up laughed. She was a fool. An utter, complete, beautiful, naïve

fool.“Tiffany?”

“Yes.Tiffany.”

Shakingmyhead,Iclosedthedistancebetweenus,notgivingadamnaboutpersonal

space.“YoumeanTiffany,who’sgay,andhasliterallynointerestinmen?ThatTiffany?”

Herjawfellopen,closed,andopenedagain.“What?”

“Yeah.She’sgay.She’dbemorelikelytobecaughtinbedwithyou.”

“Iwouldhaveknown,”sheprotested.

“No,youwouldn’thave.Nooneknewbutme.Shetrustedmewithhersecret,andwe

used to hang out a lot at parties because girls would leave me alone when she was with
me,andIneverhadtoworryaboutherfallingforme,orgettingthewrongidea.Because

allIwantedwasyou.”Iflexedmyjaw.“Thatnight,youwereworking,andsheneededa
wingman,soIwent.Shemetupwithsomeoneatthepartywewentto,gotlucky,andI
gavehermybedtouse,becauseshereallylikedher.”

“So,then,yourbed…”

“Wasn’tminethatnight.”Iswallowedhard,lockingeyeswithher.“Youwalkedaway

frommewithoutawordfornothing,andthat’swhyIblameyou.”

Shesaidnothing.

Good.Therewasnothingtosay.

SEVEN

Sarah

o.Therewasnowaythathadn’tbeenhiminthatbed.Hishair.Thewayhe’d
been holding onto Tiffany. The way the sunlight had played with the darker

pieces…

Ithadtobehim.Right?

Heletgoofmywrist,restingbothhishandsoneithersideofmyhead,butdidn’tback

off,orgivememorebreathingroom.Iwastoodistraughttoreallycare.Howcouldthat
nothavebeenhim?HowcouldIhavebeensowrong?

“So. Let me get this straight. You saw me in bed with her, and you didn’t think that

maybe,justmaybe,weshouldhavetalkeditout?”Hisjawflexed.“Youdon’tthinkthat
maybe,justfuckingmaybe,afteryearsofbeingtogether,youshouldhavetriedtofigure
outwhatthehellwasgoingon?Beforeyou,Idon’tknow,justupandleftforcollegeall
thewayacrossthedamncountrywithouttellingmewhy?”

“Whenyoucheatedonme?”Ipressedmylipstogether.“No.Ididn’t.”

“Ididn’tcheatonyou,”hesaidbetweenclenchedteeth.

Ishookmyhead,stubbornlyrefusingtobelievehim.“Isawyou.Yourhair…”

“Shehasathingforgirlswithshorthair.”Heshrugged,staringdownintomyeyes.I

couldn’t look away from his. They were warm. Angry. Passionate. Addictive. “Bigger
girls.Sportyones.Maybeshehadasimilarbuildtome.Maybeshewastall.Idon’tknow.
Butitwasn’tme.Ineverwouldhavedonethattoyou.Ever.”

Istaredathim,breathingheavily,forthefirsttimenotsocertainofwhatI’dseenin

that bed. If he hadn’t cheated on me, if he hadn’t done the unforgivable…then he had
everyrighttohatemeasmuchashedid.Iwastheoneinthewrong,nothim.I’dbeenthe
onetoruinwhatwe’dhad,andbrokenhisheartintheprocess,aswellasmyown.

Thatknowledgewasn’taneasypilltoswallow.

OhGod,whatdidIdo?

“I…”

WhatwasIsupposedtosay?ThatIwassorry?ThatI’dmadeahugemistake?Thatit

wastoolatetofixitnow,butifIcouldgobackintimetochangewhatI’ddone,Iwould.
But…would I? Aside from Vinnie, I’d been happy in North Carolina. I’d made lifelong

friends, gotten an amazing degree, and had become the woman I was today while there.
WouldIchangeallthatifIcould?WouldIgobackintimeandchoosehiminstead?

WhenIremainedsilent,heshookhishead,lettingoutalaugh.“Sothat’swhyyouleft

me.BecauseI‘cheated’onyou.”

Inodded,stillsayingnothing.

I’dbeensoyoung.Sohurt.I’djust…ran.Wasthatsobad?Didthatmakemeabad

person,thatmyfightorflightinstincthadkickedin,andI’dchosenflight?

At my continued silence, he locked eyes with me again, staring down at me

challengingly. If he was waiting for me to apologize, he’d be waiting a long time. I’d
apologizeifandwhenIdeemedIshould,andnotasecondbefore.Afterall,I’ddonewhat
I’ddonebecauseIthoughthe’dcheatedonme.Nowhewassayingitwasn’ttrue,butwho
saidthatwasthetruth?

Maybehewasstillcoveringhisass.

He’dneverlikedbeingthebadguy.

Laughingagain,heshookhisheadslightlyashebackedoff.“Guessitreallydoesn’t

matteranymorewhywebrokeup,huh?It’snotlikewe’regoingtopickupwhereweleft
off.”

I snorted. I couldn’t help it. Despite my attraction to him, and any lingering feelings

thatIwoulddenyuntilIturnedblueinthefaceifaskedabout,he’dbeenacompleteand
utterassholetomefromthesecondIsteppedfootintheprecinct.I’dsoonerkissafrog
thanhim.

OrsoIkepttellingmyself,anyway.

Hestiffened,stoppinghisretreat.Hehoveredovermenow,hisarmshalfbent,hisface

levelwithminesohisbreathfannedovermycheeks.Hisbreathsmelledlikewhiskyand
gum.Therewassomethinginthewayhepressedagainstme,hisshoulderstomineand
his hands on either side of my head, that screamed of dominance. Despite my earlier
thoughtsaboutnotwantingtokisshimanymore,somethinginmystomachtwisted,andI
heldmybreathbecauseohmyGod,Iwantedtokisshim.Righthere.Rightnow.Wouldhe
tasteasgoodasIremembered?

No.Probablyevenbetter.

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”heaskedslowly.

Hisvoicewasdeep.Sodeepitliterallysentshiversdownmyspine.

Craaaaap.

Ishouldbackdown.Talkhimoutofwhatevertheheckwashappening.Makesurethat

we didn’t cross any lines, because there were about a million reasons why those lines
shouldn’t be crossed. But he was looking at me as if he’d been waiting years for this
moment,andifIwasalittlehonestwithmyself,sohadI.Itwastimetocleartheair.

Then,maybe,wecouldfinallymoveon…

Andbepartners.

So,Iopenedmymouth,andspokewithoutcaution…Godhelpusboth.“Itmeansthat

you’reright,andthere’snowayinhellIwouldwanttopickupwhereweleftoff.”

Helaughedagain,onlyitwasn’treallyalaugh.Itwasmoreofa…challenge.“Isthat

so?”

“Yeah.That’sso.”Irestedmyhandsonhischest,layingthemonhishard(veryhard)

pecs.Clearly,somethingshadchangedabouthim.I’dbewillingtobetheneverskippeda
day at the gym, whereas as a teen, he’d been more apt to never skip a day at his Xbox.
“You’renotexactlymytype,Rollins.”

Hestiffenedevenmorebeneathmyfingers.“I’mnot…”hebrokeoff,laughingagain,

and leaned in even closer. So close it would take little to no effort from me to close the
distance between us and find out if he was still the best I’d ever had. “Your tastes have
changedthatmuch,huh?”

My heart thudded against my ribs, stealing the breath right out of my lungs, making

mylegstremblewithweakness.Orhadhebeentheonetodothattome?

Moaning,mystomachtightened,andeverynerveinmybodydemandedIriseonmy

tiptoestotastehislips.Instead,Ifistedmyhandsinhisshirt,methisstare,andsaid:“No,
you’retheonewho’schangedthatmuch.You’reanassholenow.”

“Andyou’reabitchnow,”heshotback,histonehard.

Ishrugged.“I’mokaywiththat.”

“So am I.” And just like that, whatever spell he’d been holding over both of us

snapped, and he pushed off the wall with both hands. “But, hey. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Enjoyyourdinner,it’syourfavorite…providedthathasn’tchanged,too.”

IletoutabreathasIwatchedhimgo,andsaggedagainstmyhouse,breathingheavily.

Asheleft,allIcouldthinkwas:Damnit,Ishouldhavekissedhim.

EIGHT

Ben

shouldn’thavegonetoSarah’slastnight.

Ever since she told me she’d thought I cheated on her, I’d had a ball of

rageroiledupinmychest,pushingmetoconfronthereverychanceIgotsoIcouldshow
herjusthowmuchofanassholeIreallywas.Afterall,she’dcalledmeone,andsheloved
toberight.

I’doncelovedtomakeherhappy.

Whenwe’dbeentogether,I’dbeenthemostloyal,loving,dedicatedboyfriendinthis

wholefuckingworld.Anythingshewanted?Igaveher.Anythingsheneeded?Ifound.I’d
goneoutofmywaytotakecareofher,andtoshowhersheneverhadtodoubtmeormy
love.Never,notonce,hadIgivenherevenatinyreasontothinkthatImightruinthatby
cheatingonher.

Not.Fucking.Once.

Sotohearthatshehad“seen”mewithanothergirl,andthenpackedherbagsandleft

withouttellingmewhyshe’dneeded“space”to“think”foraweek—somethingI’dgiven
herdespitemyconfusion,because,again,Igaveherwhateverthehellshe wanted—was
likeablowtotheballswiththosehigh-heeledshoesofhersshelovedtoweardespitehow
impractical they were in the office. To call me pissed off was the understatement of the
century.

Iwaslivid.

Typing quickly, I documented the details of Liz’s gruesome murder, and the entire

crimescene,pausingonlywhenIsensedsomeonecomeuptomydesk.SinceIcouldn’t
sleep, I’d come in early to get some work done. I’d been one of the only people in the
officeuntilnow.Liftingmyhead,Ifrownedatmybestfriend.“Whatareyoudoinghere
soearly?”

Hernandezscratchedhishead,lookingatmeweirdly.“It’snotthatearly.It’seight.”

“What?”Iglancedatmyphone,lightingupthescreen.Sureenough,hewasright.I’d

beenherefortwohoursalready,andIhadn’tevennoticedtheroomslowlyfillingupwith
people.Ontheirownaccord,myeyestravelledtoSarah’sdesk.Herchairwasempty.“I
didn’tnotice.”

“Icouldtell.Youdidn’thearmecallingyourname,askingifyouwantedcoffee.”He

setacuponmydesk,andslidittowardme.“So,Itookthattobeayes.”

“Hell,yes.”Ipickeditup,kickedbackinmychair,andgrinnedupatthemanwho’d

beenthereformeforlongerthanIcouldremember.“Thanks,man.”

“Anytime.”Heperchedontheedgeofmydesk.“What’sup?”

“Nothing,justcatchinguponsomepaperwork.”

Hernandezflinched.“Themurdercase?”

“Yeah.”

Hernandez readjusted himself on the desk, smoothing his khakis. He wore a plaid

button up shirt and a tie, with his brownish-black hair spiked and looking a little wild.
“How’d your new partner handle her first violent case? We don’t get many of those
aroundhere.”

I set my pen down a little too hard, immediately cursing myself. I was showing too

much.Givingtoomuchaway.Itwasnoone’sbusinesshowIfeltabouther—notevenmy
bestfriend’s.“Fine.She’sprettytough.”

That,atleast,wasthetruth.

“Good.”Heglancedtowardthedoor,runninghisfingersthroughhishair.“Speakof

thedevil…”

I looked up with way too much enthusiasm for my liking. Today she wore a tight-

fitting grey dress that hugged every curve of her body. One I’d tried so damn hard to
forget.Herlongbrownhairfelloverhershouldersinthickwaves,andshe’dpaintedher
lips a dark red today. Her medium skin shone with what could only be magical powers,
andshewalkedwithagracethatputeveryotherwomanouttheretoshame.

Icouldn’tlookaway.

“Fuckme,”Imuttered.

Hernandezgruntedinagreement.“Shelooksgood.today”

Ididn’tagree.Ididn’tneedto.“Yougotanyhotcases?”

“Nah.”HernandezlookedawayfromSarah.Good.I’dbeenthisclosetopunchingthe

manwhohadbeenatmysidemywholelifebecausehe’dpracticallybeendroolingover
her.“Wegotacaseyesterday,butitwasadud.Nothingonthebooksfornow.”

“How’sThomasdoing?”

Hernandezwinced.“Enthusiasticallyoptimistic,asalways.”

Samuel Thomas was a young recruit who told anyone and everyone he met that he

intendedtochangetheworld.Hisoptimismwascute,ifnotannoying.Hewasfreshoutta
school,andreadytotakeontheworld.Inmyopinion,heandSarahwouldhavemadea
muchbetterpairingthansplittingupmeandHernandezlikethecaptainhad.

Sarahcameover,eyeingmecautiously.Afterourfightlastnight,guessitwasn’ttoo

weirdshemightbenervousaroundme.“Hey,Hernandez.”

Hernandez nodded at her, shooting me a look out of the corner of his eye. “Good

morning,Lopez.Howareyoudoing?”

“Great,”shesaid,flatly.Sheglancedatmeagain,thedarkcirclesunderhereyeseven

moreprominentthanyesterday.“Anycallsthismorning?”

“Notyet,I’vejustbeentypingupmyreportonLiz’scase.”

Shenoddedonce.“I’lldothesame,then.”

“Okay.”Ihesitated,mygriponthecoffeemugflexing.“Sarah?”

Shestiffened,andturnedaroundslowly.“Yes?”

“ImeantwhatIsaidlastnight.”

Bitingherlip,shedartedaquicklookatHernandez,thennoddedjerkily.“Okay.”

Andwiththat,shewalkedaway.

Again,Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffher.

Itwasbecominganannoyinghabit.

“Whatdidyousaylastnight?”Hernandezaskedinastagewhisper.

“ThatIwantedtostartover.”Ileanedbackinmychair,sighing.“We’repartnersnow,

forbetterorworse,andIchoosetotrytomakeitbetter.Tomovepastthe…past.”

Hernandezpursedhislips.“Notabadchoice.”

“Ialsofoundoutwhysheleft.I’llfillyouinwhenthere’snoearsaround.”

Afterglancingaroundtheoffice,Hernandezstood.“Garyowen’s,atnine?”

“Deal.”

Once I was alone again, I glanced at Sarah. She sat at her desk, waiting for her

computertoload.Asshewaited,shetappedherfingersonherthigh.She’dpaintedthem
maroon.Forsomereason,Icouldn’tlookawayfromherfingersastheytapped.WhenI
finallydid,Ilockedeyeswithher,andgotcaughtdead-assstaringatmyex.

Sheblinkedatme,confusion—orperhapsanotheremotionIcouldn’tname—coloring

hercheeks.Iliftedabrowathercockily,tryingtoplayitoff,andturnedbacktomyown
computer.

Ineededtopullmyshittogether.

NINE

Sarah

hiswholethingwasahorribleidea.

WhenI’dgottenhomefromalong,tensionfilled,awkwarddayatwork

thatstartedwithBenmakingeyesatme,GracehadbeentherewithMomlikeusual.

What hadn’t been usual, though, was Grace insisting I shower, change, and go on a

blind date with this great guy that “You would just love.” Though I tried to protest, and
insist that I would rather stay home with my mom, like usual, Grace had said she could
waitforthelocksguytocome—I’dcustomorderedlockstokeepMomfromwondering
offinthemiddleofthenight—andhadallbutbootedmeoutofmyownhouse.

So. Here I was. Waiting for some dude I didn’t know to show up…or not. Knowing

myluck,thedudewouldstandmeup.Thenagain,ifhenevershowed,Icouldgohome.

Ugh.

What if the locksmith had an issue installing the locks? What if my mother had

anotherepisodelikeshe’dhadinthemiddleofthenightlastnight?Sleephadbeenhardto
come by lately, and so had peace of mind, so the last thing I needed was to be here,
waitingforsomeguytoshowupsoIcouldfindouthewasjustasdisappointinglyselfish
asalltheothermenI’ddated.ButGracehadasked,andshewasdoingalotforme,soI
went.

My phone buzzed, and I glanced down. It was a call from an unknown number.

Grimacing,Ipickedup.“Hello?”

“Hello,Sarah.”Thevoiceontheotherendwascracklyandbrokeup,soIcouldbarely

hearhim.

I pressed my hand to my free ear, leaning down a bit to hear better. “Yes, is this

Derek?”

“No.”Ashortlaugh.“Don’tyourecognizemyvoice,babe?”

Ifroze.Mywholeworld,everything,froze.Thatlaugh.Thatcold,carelesstone…No.

This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not after I’d finally gotten away from him. My
heartunfroze,comingtolifewithpainfulacceleration.“Howdidyougetthisnumber?”

“WhothefuckisDerek?”Vinnieasked,angerseepingfromeveryword.

I ignored his question. “You’re not supposed to call me. You’re breaking the

Protection from Abuse Order I filed against you, and if you think I won’t report it to
Judge—”

“Goahead.I’mnotscared.”Helaughedagain.“Butyoushouldbe,andsoshouldthis

Derekguy.Youbelongtome,andIdon’tsharewhat’smine.Youknowthat.”

My stomach dropped. So many memories of him “punishing” me because some guy

hadcheckedmeoutcameoverme.Familiar,chillingandallunwelcome.“I’mnotyours.”

“Ibetyoulookreallyprettytonight.Areyouwearingadress?”

I shivered, glancing around the restaurant. Was he here? Could he see me now? I

ignoredhisquestionsagain.Hewasjusttryingtogetariseoutofme.Itwouldn’twork.
Henolongerheldanypoweroverme,anditwastimeforhimtorealizeit.“Howdidyou
getoutofjail?”

Helaughed,notansweringme.

Afteraperiodofsilence,Ibrokeit.“Don’tcallmeagain.”

“Seeyousoon.”

Itightenedmygriponthephone.“Thenyou’llgotojail.”

“Maybe.Maybenot.”Helaughedagain.Thatsound,thathorriblesound,sentashiver

downmyspine.“Youshouldn’thavegonehome.Itwastooeasytofindyou.But,hey,for
whatit’sworth?Thatcolorofpurplelooksamazingonyou,babe.”

OhmyGod.Hewashere.Hewasactuallyhere.

Hangingup,Istood,trembling.Spinninginacircle,Iscannedthecrowd,lookingfor

him.Washeinthisroom?Watching?Planning?Plotting?Despitemyself,andthestrength
I’drecentlyfoundafterleavinghim…Istartedtopanic.Picturinghisfaceoneveryman’s
faceinthisrestaurant,surehewasabouttocomeoutandtakeme.“OhGod.”

“Sarah?”

I swung around, my hand on my purse, which held my holstered pistol. I fully

intendedtoaimitatVinnie,ifhewasstupidenoughtocomeatmeinpublic,butitwasn’t
him.Itwassomeoneelsewhohauntedme,butinanentirelydifferentway.Igrabbedhis
suitjacket,hangingontightly.“Hecalledme,Ben.”

“Who called—?” Ben started to ask, but then he broke off and stepped closer. “You

mean,him?”

Inoddedfrantically,swallowinghard“Hefoundme.He’sgoingtocomeforme,and

thistime,hewon’tstopuntilI’mdead.Hepromisedmeonedayhe’dfindmeandkillme,
andnowhehas.He’sgoingtokillme.”

Ben rested his hands on my shoulders. They were big. Warm. “I won’t let that

happen.”

“You can’t stop him. No one can.” I held onto him tighter, panic taking over me. I

couldn’tbreathe.Couldn’tthink.Couldn’tprocess.Couldn’t—justcouldn’t.“I’mgoingto
die,justlikeLiz.He’sgoingtofindme,andkillme,andthenyou’llfilethereport.”

“Never.”Benletoutagrowl,pulledmeintohisarms,andhuggedmeclose.Iknewit

wasbadtodothis,toleanonhimlikethis,buttherewasnowayinhellIwaslettinggoof
him right now. I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I…I needed help. “I won’t let him. I
sweartoyou,Iwillprotectyoufromhim,andI’llhaveyourback.”

Ipulledback,staringintohisdarkgreeneyes.Thewayhewatchedme,withhisarms

aroundmetight,almostmademebelievehecouldkeepmesafe.Thathewantedtokeep
me safe, when I’d done nothing but be standoffish to him since we became partners.
“Ben…”

Heshiftedcloser,hisgriponmechangingeversoslightly.“Yeah?”

“I—”

“Sarah?”anunfamiliarmalevoicesaidfrombehindus.

I spun and stared at him, breathing heavily. There were so many emotions swirling

insidemethatIcouldn’ttelloneapartfromtheother.LonglostfeelingsforBen.Fearof
Vinnie.Uncertaintyabouthowtoproceedfromhereonout.“D-Derek?”

Bensteppedinfrontofmeprotectively,hishandonhispistol.“Whothehellisthis?”

“It’snothim,”Isaidquickly,restingahandonhisarm.

Benimmediatelywentatease.

“Notwho?”Derekhesitated.“Issomethingwrong?”

“N-Nothing.” I stepped around Ben, trying to smile at the poor guy and failing

horribly.“Thisismypartner,DetectiveRollins.”

Theyshookhands.

AsBenpulledback,Iforcedasmile.“I’msorry,Derek,butcanwegetaraincheck?

Somethingwith…work…cameup.That’swhyhe’shere.”

Derekshiftedhisweightonhisfeet.“Ofcourse.Sure.I’llcallyou?”

“Yeah.Thanks.”

“Nicetomeetyou,man.”Benwrappedanarmaroundmyshoulder,noddingonceat

Derekasheledmetowardthedoor.

Ishouldshrug free,pullloose ofhishold…but Ididn’t wantto.Forjustasecond,I

wantedtofeelsafe,likesomeonehadmyback.Forjustasecond,Ididn’twanttofeelso
aloneinthisfightagainstVinnie…andthenafterthatsecondpassed,I’dgobacktobeing
thestrong,independentwomanI’dbecome.

Theonewhodidn’twantorneedamantosaveme.

TEN

Ben

eeingSarahlikethis—shaking,terrified,nervous—scaredthefuckoutofme. I
wasn’ttoomanlytoadmitwhenIwasscared,andthiswasoneofthosetimes.

Sarahwasstrong.Shebroughtnewmeaningtothewordindependent,andshehadnever
beenhesitanttotellmetoscrewoffwhenIdeservedit.She’dcomehome,ignoredallthe
doubtfromtheguysattheprecinct,andevenworkedthroughthefactthathercaptainhad
pairedherwithherextotrytoscareheroff.

She’dstayed.She’dfought.She’dwon.

Butnow,withonephonecallfromaguywhowouldbebetteroffbehindbarsthenout

onthestreets,shewassoterrifiedshecouldn’tstopshaking.

Yeah,thatscaredme.Howbadwasthisguy?

IfIwasgoingtohelpkeephersafe,ifIwasgoingtoguardherback,thenIneededto

knowexactlywhatIwasdealingwith.Iledhertowardmycar,butshebalked.“Idrove
here.”

“We’llgetyourcartomorrow.”

Hereyeswidened.“Tomorrow?”

“You’respendingthenightwithmeatmyhouse.”

“No.”Shepulledfree,shakingherhead.“Ican’t.”

“Notlikethat.Ijust—”

“No.” She crossed her arms. She was steadier on her feet now. “I can’t just not go

home.Ihavetogoback.”

Clearly,I’doversteppedmyboundaries.Ihadn’tbeencomingontoher,though.Just

trying to help by making sure she wasn’t alone tonight. “Okay, fine. Then you’ll go
home.”

Shehuggedherself,staringatmewithpinchedlips.

“CouldImaybefollowyouhome?”Ihesitated.“Justtomakesureyou’resafe.Iknow

youcantakecareofyourself,but—”

Shenoddedjerkily.“I’dlikethat,actually.I’mnotbeingabitch,Ijust…Ihavetogo

home,isall.”

Ihadn’texpectedherquickagreement,orherwords.Whywasitsoimportantshego

home?“Okay,I’llwalkyoutoyourcar,thenfollowyou.”

She headed toward her Ford, but pulled up short. “Wait, were you meeting someone

here?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter.”

“Butifyouhadadate—”

“I didn’t.” I tried not to focus on the fact that she had. She wasn’t mine, and hadn’t

been mine for years, yet I couldn’t deny the hint of jealousy I felt that she’d been at
Garyowen to meet another dude tonight. “It was just Hernandez. I’ll let him know
somethingcameup.”

“Don’ttellhimaboutthis.”Shebitherlowerlip,nibblingitlikeshealwaysdidwhen

shewasnervous.“Idon’twanteveryoneknowingaboutVinnie.”

Vinnie.Thatwashisname.Thatwassuchadouchename.“I’llonlytellpeopleifyou

askmeto,butthemknowingisn’tabadthing.Themorepeopleyouhavelookingoutfor
you,thebetter.”

Sheshookherhead.“No.”

I didn’t say anything. Just waited for her to unlock her car, then opened the driver’s

doorforherafteritbeepedtwice.Icheckedinsidehercartomakesureitwassafebefore
movingaside.“I’llfollowyou.Givemeaminutetogettomycar,andlockyourdoors.”

“I will.” She slid inside, shooting me a look under her lashes. “Believe it or not, I

knowhowtoprotectmyself,Rollins.”

My cheeks heated. “Yeah. I know.” I walked toward my car, but only made it a few

stepsbeforeIheardmyname.

“Ben?”

Istiffened.“Yeah?”

“Thankyou,”shesaid,hervoicequiet.

SheshutthecardoorbeforeIcouldreply,buttherewasreallynothingtosay.Ifshe

neededme,Iwasthere.Ifsheneededhelp,I’dbethefirsttoofferit.Everytime.

Guesssomethingsneverchanged,huh?

AsIpulledoutofmyspot,Sarahpassedme,andwenoddedatoneanother.Ifollowed

herhomeclosely,watchingforanyhintofatailonus.Ifthatfuckereventhoughtabout
harmingsomuchasahaironherhead…hewasadeadman.Endofstory.

Surelythedouchewastoosmarttoshowuphere,andgoafteradetectiveonherown

turf.Thenagain,guyswhobeatonwomenweren’tusuallysmart…orrational.

AsIpulledintoherdriveway,Icranedmyneckandglancedatthehouse.Lightswere

on,andtherewasmovementinside.Islammedthecarintoparkandhoppedoutwithmy
handonmypistol,callingouttoher,“Someone’sinsideyourhouse.Staythere.”

Shefidgeted,closingherdoor.“Iknow.”

“Oh.” I approached more slowly, something she said making more sense now. “You

havearoommate?”

“Somethinglikethat.”Shehesitated,nibblingonherlowerlip.“Mymother,actually.”

Iblinked.“Youlivewithyourmother?”

“Morelikesheliveswithme.”

“Okay.”Atleastshewasn’talone,then.Notthathermotherwasmuchbiggerthanher

oranything,butIwasn’tonetounderestimateanangryMamaBear.Iglancedatherhouse
again,onlynownoticingweweren’taloneouthere.Menworkedonherfrontdoor,drills
buzzing,voiceslow.“Areyougettingnewlocksinstalled?”

“Yeah.Deadbolts.”

Ifrowned.“Onthetopofyourdoors?”

“Yeah…”

Whenshesaidnothingelse,Iclearedmythroat.Maybethatwasmycuetogetthehell

outofhere.Clearly,shedidn’twantmehangingaround.“Well,ifyou’re—”

“Mymomhasdementia.”Shefidgetedwithherkeys,notlookingmeintheeye.“It’s

pretty bad. I have a full-time nurse with her all day, Grace, and then I take care of her
myself at night. The locks are to help keep her in at night, in case she tries to leave.
They’repasswordprotected,soshecan’tslipoutwithoutmeknowing.”

Istoodthere,feelinglikeacompleteandutterass.I’dteasedheraboutlookingtired,

aboutbeingouttoolatepartying,andshe’dbeenlosingsleepoverherailingmother.I’m
suchafuckingasshole.“Shit,I’m—”

“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”shesaidsharply.

Ihesitated.“Likewhat?”

“Like you pity me. I don’t need your pity. She’s my mom, she needs my help, so I

came.”Sheflippedherhairoverhershoulder.“You’ddothesameforyourmom.”

Iswallowed.“Howdoesnooneknowaboutthis?”

“Gracehelpedmekeepitquiet.”

Ofcourseshedid.“Why?Peoplecouldhelpyou.”

“Idon’tneedhelp,”shesaidstubbornly.

“Everyoneneedshelp,”Iargued,mytonelow.“It’snotasignofweaknesstoaskfor

it,Sarah.It’sasignofstrength.”

Shesaidnothing.Justswallowed.

“Isshewhyyoucamebacktotown?”

Nodding,shetuckedherhairbehindherear.“Shemightnotremembermuch,butshe

knowsthishome,andIdon’twanttotakeherfromit.”

Damnit.Thisonlymadeoldfeelingsforherstirupmore.Shewassonoble,kind,and

valiant, and she didn’t even see it. Didn’t even try. She just was. “She’s lucky to have

you.”

Sheshrugged,avertingherface.“I’mtheluckyone.”

Isaidnothing.

Afterafewmomentsofsilence,shelookedoverhershoulder,thenturnedbacktome.

“Nowthatmysecret’sout,doyouwanttocomein?”

“Doyouwantmetocomein?”

“Graceisthere.Wouldthatbeweird?”Shebitherlipagain.“Iunderstandyouguys

hadathingonce.”

“I…”Shit.Sheknewaboutthat?“Itwasalongtimeago.Onenight.Meaninglesson

bothsides.”

Sheshruggedagain.“Whatever.”

Forsomereason,IfeltlikeIshouldapologize,whichwascrazy,sinceshe’dbeenlong

gonewhenwe’dhookedupoutofanightoflonelinessandlust.We’dbothknownwhatit
was—a scratch to an itch. Me and Grace had remained friends since, and neither of us
wantedmorethanwhatwe’dhad.So,therewasabsolutelynothingtoapologizefor.

IfItoldmyselfthatenoughtimes,maybeI’dbelieveit.

Sheheadedforthedoor.“Youcoming?”

Withoutreplying,Ifellintostepbehindher,followingherjustlikeIalwayshad.She

couldinvitemeintohell,andifshewasleadingtheway…

I’dberightthere,trailingbehindher.

LikethelovesickfoolIwas.

ELEVEN

Sarah

handedthechecktothelocksmith,smilingathim.IcouldsenseBenhovering
behindme,watchingbutsayingnothing.He’dbeenstonilyquieteversincehe
cameinside,andGraceleft.Momwassleeping,sothathadmadeforalotof

awkwardsilence.“Thankyou.”

Themannoddedandinclinedhishead.“Haveanicenight,ma’am.”Heleft,thelastof

histoolsandthefaintscentofhiscolognetrailingbehindhim.

Thedoorclickedshut,andItookadeepbreath,notturningaroundjustyet.Whathad

I been thinking, inviting him inside like this? What happened now that we were alone?
What was I supposed to say? Thank you for coming home with me? Please don’t tell
anyoneaboutthis?Whydidn’tyoucallmeafterIleft?

Noneofthoseseemedright,soIsettledfortheeasiestthingIcouldthinkof.“Would

youlikeadrink?”

Hestood,swipinghishandsonhisthighs,hesitating.Icouldpracticallyseethewheels

turninginhishead,calculatingtheprosandconsofacceptingmyoffer.Whatdidhethink
Iwasgoingtodo?Jumphim?Hestudiedme,hisgazeintenseandhismouthpursed.After
whatfeltlikeages,henodded.“Yeah,I’dloveadrink.”

“Ifyou’drathergo—”

Hefrowned.“Sarah.”

“Yeah?”

“IsaidI’dloveadrink,andImeantit.”

“Okay.” Not saying anything else, I headed for the kitchen, my cheeks hot. There I

went,overthinkingeverythingagain.“Beerorwhiskey?”

“Whatkindofbeer?”heaskedfromwaytooclosebehindme.

“Guinness.”Iglancedathimovermyshoulder.“Thatstillyourfavorite?”

“Youremembermyfavoritebeer?”heaskedslowly,narrowinghiseyes.

“OfcourseIdo.”Iopenedthefridge,takingoneoutandofferingittohim.Itfeltcool

againstmyfingers,awelcomechangefromtheconsumingheatinsidemethatthreatened
toeatmealivebecausehisfingerswereabouttotouchmine.“Backthenweweren’told

enoughtodrinkityet,butwewon’ttalkaboutthat.”

“Weweren’toldenoughforalotofthethingswedid.”Hetookthebottlefromme,his

fingersindeedbrushingmine,justlikeI’dthoughttheymight.

Mystomachclenchedintoatightfist,andIjerkedbackabruptly.“True.”

Hecockedhisheadatme.“Yeah.”

After he cracked open the beer, he handed it to me, then reached past me into the

fridgetograbanotherforhimself.Ashedidso,hisshoulderbrushedagainstmystomach,
andittookeveryounceofself-controlnottolurchbacktoensureitdidn’thappenagain.
Everytimehetouchedme,heawokememoriesbestleftfordead.

“Speakingofthingsthatweshouldn’thavedone,rememberthatnightatthebaseball

field?”heaskedoutofnowhere.

Igroanedandtookasipofthebeerhe’dgivenme.“HowcouldIforget?”

“Ican’tbelieveyouactuallydidit,”heteased,grinning.Whenhesmiledlikethat,his

eyeslitup,andIinstinctivelymovedclosertothatbrightness.Tothatwarmth.

Whenwewerestillkids,he’ddaredmetorunthebasesnaked,andI’ddoneit.Afew

Guinness’shadbeeninvolvedinthatdecision,butwhenhe’dlaughed,strippeddown,and
joinedinthefun,I’dneverfeltmorealive.Andwhenhe’dbackedmeagainstthebatting
cageandpressedhisopenmouthtomine,I’dbeensuremyheartwasgoingtoburstinto
pieces.We’dbeenyoung,stupid,andinlove.ThathadbeenamonthbeforeI’d“found”
himinbedwithanothergirl.

Staringatmybeerbottle,Isaid,“Ididn’twanttobackdownfromachallenge.”

“Areyoustillthatgirl?”

“The one who runs bases naked?” I shook my head. “No. I follow the law now. It’s

kindofmyjob.”

Heleanedonthecounter,crossinghisankles.Hemadesuchasimplepositionlookso

damnsexy.Itjustwasn’tfair.“When’sthelasttimeyoubrokeit?”

“Uh…”Ibitmybottomlip,thinkinghard.“Incollege,Itriedpotonce.”

Hechokedonalaugh.“Once?”

“Yep,once.”Ituckedmyhairbehindmyear,refusingtobeashamedforbeingalaw-

abidingcitizen.“You?”

“Itrieditmorethanonceincollege.”Hislipstwitched.“ButneversinceIdecidedto

becomeacop.”

“Whatmadeyouwanttobeone?”Iaskedhesitantly.WhenI’dtoldhimIwantedto

go to college for Criminal Justice, he’d rolled his eyes so hard I’d teased him about
permanent damage. Last I remembered, he’d sworn to never become a stick-up-his-ass
detectivelikehisfather,andyetherehewas.Withastickuphisasslikehisdad.“Why
didyouchangeyourmind?”

“Idon’treallyknow,”hesaidwithwhatstruckmeascompletehonesty.“Oneday,I’m

goingtoSomertonUniversityforBusiness,andthenext,I’mchangingmajorstoCriminal
Justice. I just thought about it, and realized that’s what I wanted to be.” He shrugged.
“GuessIgrewup,andstoppedtryingtobedifferentfrommyfather.”

“Guessso.”

Hetappedhisfingersonhisbottle.“Ithoughtyouweregoingtogotolawschool?”

“When I applied to Duke, I still wanted to be a cop, so I got in under that major. I

wantedtogo,so…”Ibrokeoff,notlookingathim.

“Youwantedtogosobadly,youwerewillingtochangemajors?”hefinishedforme.

Inodded,notsayinganything.Therewasnothingtosay.

“So.”Hestaredoffintothedistance.“Howlonghasyourmombeensick?”

“It started getting really bad last year. I noticed little things, like she’d call me,

confused about the day, or even the time. Then over the months, it got steadily worse.
WhenIcamehometovisitlasttime,sheaskedmewhoIwas.Iimmediatelycontacteda
doctor,andtheytoldmeshewasdevelopingdementia,andthatitwouldnevergoaway.
Asofnow,thereisnocure.”

Heflexedhisjaw.“Jesus.”

“Shedoesn’tevenrecognizemehalfthetime.ShethinksI’manurse.Thedoctorssaid

torollwithit,sinceitupsetsherifItrytocorrecther,sowhensheasksmetocheckon
myself—you see, in her head I’m still a child—I tell her I’m fine, and that I’m in bed
sleepingwithMr.Annie,myfavoritestuffedanimal.”Ishruggedmyshoulder.“Itcalms
herdown.I’lldoanythingtotakecareofher,tomakeherfeelbetter,soIpretendnottobe
me.”

Hesteppedcloser.“Butwhataboutyou?”

“What about me?” I asked, my heart picking up speed because he’d stepped even

closertome.

“Whoisgoingtotakecareofyou?”heaskedsoftly.

Istiffened,alarmbellsgoingoffinmyhead.“Me.”

“Allbyyourself,withnohelp.”Anotherstepcloser.

“Y-Yes.”Iforcedmyfeettostandstill.“Itoldyou,Idon’tneedhelp.”

“Everyone needs help,” he repeated. Another step had him directly in front of me. I

hadalittlebitofroomlefttoretreat,butIforcedmyselftostaystill.“Wereyougoingon
adatetonight?”

“Yes,”Isaid,confusedatthesuddenchangeintopic.“Gracesetmeupwithhim,I’d

nevermethimbefore.”

“Isnowthebesttimeforblinddates?”

Iblinked.“Um…Whywouldn’titbe?”

“Pleasetellmeyou’renotonTinder,oranythingstupidlikethat.”

Now I frowned. What the hell business was it of his if I was? “Why do you care

whetherI’monTinder?”

“I care because your ex could make a fake profile, or somehow fool someone who

doesn’tknowhimintosettingupadatewithyou.”Hesnappedhisfingers.“Justlikethat,
he’dhaveyou.”

Well,crap.Ihadn’teventhoughtofthat.GracehadnocluewhatVinnielookedlike,

sosheeasilycouldhavemadefriendswithhim,andthensetmeuponadate.Farfetched?
Sure.ButI’dsolvedenoughcrimestoknowitwasn’tanimpossiblescenario.Icouldhave
easilywalkedintoatraptonight,andnoonewouldhavebeenabletosaveme.

Notevenmyself.

TWELVE

“Y

Ben

ou’re right, I shouldn’t have done it. It’s just…” She shifted on her feet, not
backing off from me, but not exactly looking comfortable with our proximity,

either. “I’m just lonely. Ever since coming back, people have been standoffish. I think
mostofthemblamemeforwhathappenedbetweenus,andthey’relettingmeknowit.”

Iclenchedmyteeth.Ihadn’texactlymadeitanyeasieronherwhenshecameback,

either,soIgotit.Iunderstoodherdesiretomeetsomeone.Butstill.Somethinginsideme
twistedattheideaofherseeinganotherman,butItriedmybesttoshoveitdown.“I’m
sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She shrugged. She stared at her beer bottle, picking at the label. “You

stayed, I left. Naturally, they’d side with you.” She paused. “And, if what you said is
true—”

“Itis,”Isaidstiffly.

“—thenIamtheonetoblame,”shefinishedfaintly.

Well, she wasn’t wrong there. The anger I’d felt earlier today had faded, and I no

longerwantedtoscreamather,butwhenyouemptiedthebucketoutandstareddownat
the dirty bottom, the truth was there to see. She’d jumped to assumptions instead of
trustingme,andshe’drunawaywithoutgivingmeachancetoexplain,ordefendmyself.
Thathadbeenshitty,sure.

Butithadalsobeenalongtimeago.

Itwastimetomoveon,forbothofoursakes.

“It’swhatever.Weweredifferentpeoplethen.”

Sheliftedherchin.“Yeah,wewerekids.”

“Babies,practically.”Ireachedoutandrestedahandonhershoulder.Shewassofrail,

sotiny,andyetsheheldontoaquietstrengthinsideherthatrivaledmyown.She’dnever
beenonetoletlifepushherdown,andIcouldn’thelpbutadmirethatabouther.“I’dlike
tothinknow,aspartners,wewouldgiveoneanotherthebenefitofthedoubt,though.”

Sheswallowedhard.Herbrowneyesweredarkanddeepwithworryandpain,andI

had the insane urge to pull her into my arms and hold her close. To never let go. “We
would.Iwould.”Shehesitated,thenadded.“I’msorryforrunningawayfromyou.”

Iswallowedhard.“I’msorryforlettingyou.”

She closed her eyes for a second, but not before I saw the sadness lurking in their

depths.“DidIreallygiveyouachoice?”

“We always have a choice, Sarah.” I cupped her cheek, my heart racing because her

skin was as soft as I remembered. Would she still taste the same? Suddenly, it seemed
incrediblyimportantIfindout.Iloweredmyhead,unabletostopmyselfbecauseshewas
lookingupatmelikenothinghadeverchangedbetweenus,andlikeI’dneverlostherall
thoseyearsago.

Christ,IwishedI’dneverlostherallthoseyearsago.

Shelickedherlipsandswayedcloser.“Ben…”

Hearingherusemynamesnappedmeoutofit.Iwaspressingmyluck,andthelast

thing either of us needed right now was to cross that line, and risk our jobs and
partnership.Sheneededthisjob,andIneededtobeherpartnersoIcouldkeephersafe.

Droppingmyhand,Isteppedbackandletoutalongbreath.“I’msorry.Idon’tknow

whatcameoverme.”

Sheblinked,thenseemedtocometohersenses,too,becauseshecoveredhermouth

andsteppedevenfurtherawayfromme.“Yeah.Metoo.Sorry.”

“Wecan’t…”Igesturedbetweenus.“Youknow.”

“Iknow.Idon’twantto.”

Westaredatoneanother,breathingheavily.Afteramomentofsilence,Idownedmy

beerandsteppedbackevenmore.Itwasn’tenough,though.Icouldstillfeelthatinvisible
electrical current urging us closer together. “Want me to sleep on the couch, in case he
showsup?’

“Youdon’thavetodothat,”shesaidimmediately,hercheeksflushed.

“IknowIdon’thaveto.”Icrossedmyarms.“Iwantto.”

Openinghermouth,shestartedtospeak,butcutherselfoff.Shedidthisafewtimes

beforesettlingon,“Why?”

“BecauseIcareaboutyou.”

Herjawworked.“You…care…aboutme?”

“OfcourseIdo.”Icockedmyhead.“Imean,you’remypartner.”

Shenodded,hergriptightonhermostlyfullbeer.“R-Right.”

“AndIrefusetoletsomeassholecomehereandhurtyou.Notonmywatch.”

Shesaidnothing,juststaredatme,facepale.

“Unlessyoudon’twantmehere.”

“It’snotthat.”Sheclearedherthroat.“Whatifpeopletalk?”

“Noonewilltalk.Noonewillknow.”

“InSomerton?”Sherolledhereyes.“Everyonealwaysknows.”

“Fairenough,”Iadmitted.“I’lltellthechiefwhat’sup,then.”Whensheopenedher

mouthtoargue,Iheldahandup,silencingher.“Iwillswearhimtosecrecy.It’sthebest
waytoensurethatnoonegetsthewrongideaattheoffice.Besides,he’sgoingtoneedto
knowaboutthis.Asyoursupervisor,it’shisjobtoknowifsomeoneisthreateningoneof
hisdetectives.”

Shedidn’tlookhappy,butsheeventuallynodded.“Fine.”

“Wouldyoulikemetospendthenight,Sarah?”

Shehuggedherself,glancingatthebackdoor.“You’resureyoudon’tmind?”

“Never.”

Shivering, she shuffled closer to the kitchen entrance. “Then, yes, please spend the

night.Notmuchscaresme,buttheideaofhimouttheresomewhere,watchingme…”

“I’llstay.”

Shestartedforthekitchendoor.“I’llgetpillowsandablanket.”

I watched her go, rolling my hands into fists as I made my way to the back door,

doublecheckingthelocks.Ipeeredoutside,lookingforanythingthatlookedoutofplace
intheshadows.

Nothing.

Icouldn’tshakethelookoffearinhereyeswhenshe’dtoldmeaboutherex,andthat

hemightbebackintown.Whathadthatmonsterdonetoher?IfIevergotachancetoget
my hands on him, I’d show him exactly what happened when you picked on females.
ThenI’dshowhimexactlywhatIthoughtofa“man”whowasokaywithhurtingwomen,
andscaringthemintosubmission.IfIevergotthechancetomeetthissonofabitch…

Myfacewouldbethelastthinghe’deversee.

THIRTEEN

Sarah

en looked so peaceful when he slept. I stood beside him, a cup of French
vanilla coffee in my hand with two sugars and cream, and watched as he
dreamt.Thatusedtobeoneofmyfavoritethingstodowheneverwemanaged

tolietoourparentswellenoughthatwecouldsneakinasleepovertogether—I’dalways
wake up before him so I could watch him at his calmest. When awake, he was like a
hurricane tearing through the Atlantic. Asleep, he had a quiet calmness about him that
pulledmein,anddidn’tletgo.Ofcourse,hedidthattomeawake,too,butwhatever.

Wewouldn’ttalkaboutthat.

He’dtakenhisshirtoffsometimethroughthenight,andtheblanketwaslowenough

toshowthathe’ddevelopedquitethesixpackovertheyears.Hewasrockhard,toned,
andhadasparsespatteringofblondechesthairoverhispecs,thattapedoffintoathinline
thatledallthewaydownhisabsandundertheblankettohis—

Hestirred,hiseyesliftingslightly.

Heart pounding, I quickly held the coffee out, trying my best to not appear as if I’d

beenstaringathimlikeastarvedwoman.“Goodmorning!Coffee?”Iasked,soundinga
littletooperky.

Blinking,hesatupanddraggedhishandsdownhisface.Bythetimeheloweredthem,

helookedfullyalertandawake.Justlikethat.Itusuallytookmeacupandahalfofcoffee
todothat.“Yeah,sure,thanks.”Hetookitandsetitdownonthetable.“Whattimeisit?”

“Seven.”

Nodding,hestood.Hisabsflexed,anddespitemybestresolve,mygazedippedlow.

God,werethereeightofthem?“MindifIusethebathroom?”

“Ofcoursenot.”Igestureddownthehall,forcingmyeyesbacktohisface.“Iputa

toothbrushinthereforyou.Ihadaspare.”

Hegrinned,rubbinghisabs.“Thankyou.”

“Sure,”Imumbled.

Hewalkedaway,andmuchtomychagrin,thebackviewwasjustasniceasthefront.

Mutteringundermybreath,Iquicklyfoldedtheblanketshe’dusedthenightbefore,piling
themonthesidetablenicelyandrearrangingthepillows.Ithadbeenniceofhimtospend

thenightwithme,butinthelightofthenewday,I’dfoundmyselffeelingalittlestronger.
SinceIcouldn’tsleeplastnight,I’dusedthetimespentinmybedwisely.Icameupwith
a game plan. First step? Install a security system. Second? Change my phone number.
Third?Contactthelocalmagistratetogivehimaheadsup.Fourth?Contactthejudgein
NorthCarolina,too,tolethimknowVinniewasbreakinghisPFArules.Fifth?Watchmy
backincessantly.

Gotowork.Comehome.Lockthedoors.

Nomoreblinddates.Nomoregoingout.

Sure,Imightgetlonely,butuntilhewascaughtandthesituationwastakencareof,it

washowithadtobe.Beinglonelywasbetterthanbeingdead,right?Afterall,whowould
takecareofMomifhegothishandsonme?

Bencamebackout,stillshirtless,stretching.“Thanksforthat.”

“Thankyouforstaying.”Icrossedmyarmsandwatchedasheshruggedintohisdress

shirt,notbuttoningit.“Idon’tnormallyneedreassurance,butlastnight…”Iswallowed.
Washeevergoingtobuttonhisdamnshirt?“…Ineededit.”

“Anytime.”Hegrabbedhiscoffeeandcameovertome.“Icanstayaslongasyou’d

like.Yourcouchissurprisinglycomfortable.”

“Thatwon’tbenecessary.”Iliftedmychin.“I’mgood.”

“You’regood.”Hefrowned.“Thatcanonlymeanonething.Youhaveaplan?”

Heknewmesowell.“Ihaveaplan.”

“Good.Butmyofferstillstands.”Hereachedoutandcaughtmychin,steppingcloser.

“And you and me are gonna get this town to straighten their shit out. What happened
betweenuswasyearsago,andeveryoneneedstogetthefuckoverit.Wedid,longago.”

Iswallowed.“Yeah.Totally.”

“Ishouldhavesaidsomethingearlier,butifIseeanyonegivingyouthecoldshoulder,

I’ll give them shit.” He ran his thumb over the curve of my jaw. “I’ve got your back,
partner.”

ItwasonthetipofmytonguetotellhimIhadmyownback,anddidn’tneedhishelp,

sinceitcamewaytoolate,butI’drealizedlastnightthathewasright.Ihadtostoptrying
todoeverythingalone.Iwasonlyoneperson.“AndI’vegotyours.”

Our eyes locked, and something invisible charged between us, sparking to life. My

tonguesweptovermydrylips,andIshiftedcloserwithoutevenrealizingit.Hisgripon
me shifted, as he moved his head slightly, dipping down to my level, but then he froze
withhismouthmereinchesawayfrommine.

Frustrationhitmehard.

IfIroseonmytiptoes…

“Shit,”hegrowled.

“Sorry,”Imuttered,steppingback,mycheeksred.

That’s twice I almost kissed him, and twice that he’d come to his senses before me,

and rejected me. I needed to pull myself together. Despite our past together, he was my
partner.

Andpartnersdidn’tkiss.

He didn’t let go of me, so I wasn’t able to retreat far. “If you weren’t my partner,

nothing—andImeannothing—wouldstopmefromkissingyou,righthere,rightnow.I’d
backyouupagainstthatwall,pickyouup,wrapyourlegsaroundmywaist,andfindout
ifyou’restillthebestkisserIeverhad.”Hedidexactlythat.Backedmeagainstthewall
nexttotheentranceofthehallway.Toobadhedidn’tfollowthroughwiththerestofthat
mental image he’d given me. “I’d kiss you, run my hands over every delicious curve of
yourbodythatteasesmeeverydamnday,andbythetimeIfinishedwithyou,you’dnever
wantmetoleave.I’dmakesureofit.”

Mystomachclenchedtight.Mylegstrembled.Myheartraced.And,God,Icouldn’t

helpit.Iwantedhimtodoallthosethings,andmore.“Isthatso?”

“Yes, that’s so. Because, damn, Sarah. These dresses you wear…” He slid his hand

overmyribs,downmyhip,andtrailedoffonmyupperthigh.“…theyfuckingkillme.”

Ishivered,grippinghisopenshirt.

“Butthethingis,Ifiguremydadputustogetherforareason,right?”Hegrittedhis

teethandretreated,notbackingoffcompletelybutnotquitecloseenoughtokissanymore,
either.“Mythinkingisthathe’shopingweslipup,andthenhewouldhavegroundsfor
removingyoufromtheforce.Hewaspissedthathehadtotakeyouonbecausehewanted
tohirehisbuddy’ssoninstead,soifhehasareasontogetridofyou…”

Iblinked.“He’dgetridofmeifwekissed?”

“Maybe.Maybenot.”

“That’stakingitabitfar.”Ipursedmylips.“Wouldn’thejust,Idon’tknow,reassign

metoanewpartner?”

“I honestly don’t know. He can be pretty petty when he wants to be.” He shrugged,

steppingback.“Idon’tknowaboutyou,butit’snotariskI’mwillingtotake.”

Icockedmyhead.“Wouldhefireyou?”

“Hisson?”heaskedhollowly.“Doubtful.Butthenewgirlnoonewantedtohire…?”

Ifrowned.“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”Herubbedhisjaw,stillstaring.“Ouch.”

As we silently weighed one another, the doorbell rang. After another moment of

silence,Isaid,“That’llbeGrace.”

“Weshouldprobablyletherin,”hesaidhollowly.

Ifinallybrokeeyecontactwithhim,andasIwalkedtowardthedoor,Icouldn’thelp

but feel that whatever was going on between us was far from over. There was this pull
betweenus,thisanimalisticattraction,thathadneverdied.Iwasstartingtothinkitnever
would,andsoonerorlater,thisanimalisticnaturewasgoingtowinitsbattlewithmyself-

control.Onceitdid?

Iwasgoingtobetheonetolose.

FOURTEEN

Ben

couldn’tgetheroffmymind.Itdidn’thelpthatshewasmypartner,andthat
nomatterwhatwedidwewerestuckwithoneanother,butthatwasn’twhatI
couldn’t stop thinking about. It was those almost kisses that kept getting to

me.I’dneverthoughtinamillionyearsthatshewouldcomebacktotown,andlookupat
melikeIwastheonethingsheregrettedlosingmost.

Sure,Idreamtaboutityearsago,whenshe’dfirstleft.

But those dreams had turned into reality eventually, then I’d realized she was never

coming back, and she would certainly never want to kiss me again even if she did. Yet
here she was, back in my life, in my arms, and I couldn’t take what I’d waited years to
get—

Mysecondchancewithher.

I glanced over at her desk. She hunched over it, biting her lower lip, typing on her

keyboardquickly.Herbrownhairfelloverhercheek,hidingherfacefrommyview,but
whatIsawofherprofilewasasbreathtakingasalways.ShewaseverythingIeverwanted
andmore,andIcouldn’thaveher.Itwasenoughtoalmostmakemewishshehadnever
comeback.

Almost.

Standing, I walked right past her, nodding her way once as I made my way to the

Captain—Dad’s—office.Iknockedtwice,thenwaited.

“Comein,”myfathercalledgruffly.

Iturnedtheknobandwentinside,closingthedoorbehindme.

Dadglancedup,sawitwasme,andgrunted.“Son.”

“Hey.”Icrossedtheroomandplacedafileonhisdesk.“Here’sLiz’sfile.”

“Thanks.”Hetookitandplaceditontheleftsideofhisdesk.“I’mstillpissedoffthat

itwentdownlikethat.Weshouldhavegottentheresooner.”

“Wegotthereassoonaswecould.MeandDetectiveLopezwentassoonasyougave

theorders.”

Dadgruntedagain.“How’dshehandleherselfoutthere?”

“Excellent,sir.”Ihesitated,slippingoutoffather/sonmodeandintodetective/captain

mode easily. We had this whole dynamic down to perfection at this point in our lives.
“SpeakingofLopez…”

“She’syourpartner,”hesaidimmediately.“I’mnotchangingitback.”

“That’snotit,sir.”

Captainfrownedandgesturedforthechairinfrontofhisdesk.“Thenwhat?”

“Confidentially, I found out why she came back.” I cleared my throat and sat. “She

wasfleeinganabusiveex,sir.”Ikeptmumonhermother’scondition,asrequested.

Dadleanedbackinhischair.“Seriously?”

“Yes,sir.Lastnighttheex-boyfriendcalledher,freakedherout,andItookherhome

andspentthenightonhercouch.”Iheldahandup.“Nothinghappened,butIfeltsafer
watchingovertheplace.Havingmypartner’sback.”

TheCaptainnodded.“Goodcall.Howbadisthisguy?”

“Shedidn’ttellmemuch,butknowingherandthewayshewasactingwhenhecalled

her?”Iletoutabreath.“Prettydamnbad,sir.”

“I may not have wanted to hire her, but I certainly won’t allow her to get hurt.” He

pulledoutapen.“Noonehurtsoneofours.What’shisname?”

“Ionlygotafirstnameoutofhersofar.Vinnie.HelivedinNorthCarolina,andshe

hasaPFAagainsthim,soI’massumingit’sonthebookssomewhere.”

“I’llseewhatIcanfind.”

Istood.“Thankyou,sir.”

“We’ll place people on her house. Keep an eye on her until we find this guy and

remindhimhe’ssupposedtostayaway.”

I hesitated. “I don’t think she’ll agree to that, sir. She’s kind of independent, and

doesn’twanteveryoneknowingherbusiness.”

“Thenwhytellme?”heaskedbriskly.

“Soyouwouldn’tthinkanythingwasgoingonwithus,seeingasIspentthenightat

herhouse,sir.”Irubbedmyjaw.“Andbecausewetrustyourdiscretion.”

“Ican’tallowhertobeunprotected.Ifsherefusestolettheprecinctknow,thenyou’ll

havetobethemanonherhouseeverynightuntilwefindthisguy.Sleepinacar,inside
onthecouch,tellherordon’ttellher,Idon’treallygiveadamn.She’syourpartner,you
decideonthebestcourseofaction,aslongasshe’sprotected.”WhenIopenedmymouth
toargue,hequicklyadded,“That’sanorder.”

He knew I didn’t disobey orders, damn it. It wasn’t in my DNA. Swallowing my

protests,Isalutedhim.“Yes,sir.”

“Andson?”DadaddedasImademywaytowardthedoor.

“Yes?”Iasked,notmoving.

“Keepyourhandstoyourself.”Hesethispendownandsteepledhisfingers,staringat

me with shrewd eyes. “We have a no-fraternization rule for a reason. Break it, and you
willfacesuspensionandpossibletermination.Justbecauseyou’remysondoesn’tmeanI
willletyougetawaywithbreakingtherules.Ifanything,Ineedtobetougheronyouto
avoidaccusationsofnepotism.”

“Whydidyoupartnerusup?”Iasked,unabletohelpmyself.“Whyputherwithme?”

“Becauseshebrokeyourheart,andcamebackherelikeitwasnothing,demandinga

job.”Hehesitated,andIinexplicablyknewthiswasmydadspeakingnow,notmyboss.
“Shedoesn’tgettohaveyouagain,notafterwhatshedid.Thiswasmywaytoensureshe
didn’tgetyou.”

Irolledmyhandsintofists.I’dbeenamessaftersheleft,sure,butI’dalsobeenakid,

andithadbeenalongtimeago.“I’mfine,Dad.Whathappenedbetweenuswasahuge
misunderstanding, and we have talked it out. She wasn’t in the wrong any more than I
was.I’moverit,andeveryoneelse—”

“Yeah,well,I’mnot,Detective.”Hegloweredatme.So,thebosswasback.Allright,

then.“Keepyourdamnhandstoyourself,orpaytheprice,Detective.”

Isalutedagain,bitingbackmyanger.“Yes,sir.”

FIFTEEN

Sarah

wonightslater,Iparkedatthelocalgasstationbymyplaceandgotoutof
my car, my steps brisk and short, matching my rapidly beating heart. No

matterhowfastIwalked,orhowmanytimesIcircledaroundtheblock,Icouldn’tshake
thefeelingthatsomeonewasfollowingme.And,ofcourse,ifsomeonewasfollowingme,
thenmybrainautomaticallywenttotheonlylogicalplace.

IthadtobeVinnie.

AsIwalkedintothegasstation,Isurveyedmysurroundings.Nooneelsewasinside

besidestheteenagedworkerbehindthecounterwearingayellowshirtandagreenvest.I
walkedthroughtheaisles,pretendingtolookatthingswhilereallywatchingtheparking
lot and entrance for any familiar vehicles I might have seen during my drive. I hadn’t
spottedatail,andyetIcouldn’tshakemyintuitionthatsomeonewasfollowingme.That
sameintuitionhadyettofailme,soIwasn’tgoingtoignoreitthistime.

Hesitating, I pulled my phone out and clicked on Ben’s name in my contacts. My

fingerhoveredoverthephoneicononthescreen.EventhoughIknewIcouldn’tdothis
alone,Istilldidn’tlikegoingtohimforhelp,buthe’dassuredmehewasmypartner,and
thathewashereforanythingIneeded.Thepasttwonights,Ihadn’tneededanything,soI
hadn’tcalledortexted.Butnow,inthedarkatasmallgasstation…didIneedhim?

Iscannedtheparkinglotagain.Nothing.Sighing,Ituckedmyphoneawayandshook

myheadatmyself.Vinniewaswinning.MyownshadowscaredmenowthatIknewhe
waswatchingme.I’dtakenallthestandardpoliceprotocolproceduresforensuringnoone
followedme,andhadnoreasontobelievesomeonewas.I’dgiveitanotherminutetobe
safe,buysomething,headouttomycar,andthengodirectlyhometoensureIwassafely
inside.

LastnightI’dgottenasecuritysysteminstalled,anditwasfullyfunctioning,soIwas

finallygettingsomesleepagain.ThankGodforsmallfavors.

Ben and I had come to an understanding, too. He’d told me that his father was

investigatingVinniediscreetly,anditwaseasyenoughtoadmitIwasgratefulforthehelp,
andtheonlyreasonIhadthathelpwasbecauseI’dfinallytalkedtomypartner.Givenour
history,thathadn’tbeenaneasythingtodo,butithadbeentherightcall.Now,wewere
ongoodterms,andwe’dpromisedtobehonestwithoneanotherfromhereonout.

Despiteeverything,Iwasgratefulforhim.

NeverthoughtI’dsaythatagain.

AftergrabbingabagofSourPatchKids,Ipaidandmademywaytomycar,scanning

theperimeterforanysignsofmaliceasIpoppedaredoneinmymouth.Thosewerethe
best ones, so I always ate them first, followed by the green. Ben liked the yellow and
orangeones,sohe’dalwaystakenthose.Outofhabit,Ipickedaroundthose,leavingthem
untouched.

AsImunchedagreenone,Iglancedovermyshoulder.Nothingmoved.Allwasquiet

inSomerton,Californiatonight.Theridehomewasuneventful,andIalmostmadeithome
withoutincidentwhenmyphonerangovertheBluetooth,jarringmyalreadyfriednerves.
IjumpedhardenoughtolosearedSourPatchKid.Glaringdownatthedarkfloorbymy
feet where the fallen little guy lay, I hit the answer button on my steering wheel.
“DetectiveLopez.”

Staticsounded,butnoonespoke.

“Hello?”IcheckedmysignalasIdrovethroughthewoodedareathatledtomyhouse,

frowningwhenInoticedIstillhadthreebars.“Canyouhearme?”

Acrackle,andwhatcouldhavebeenaword.

Thehaironthebackofmyneckrose,butItriedtostifleit.I’dchangedmynumber.It

wasn’tsearchableontheInternet.Theonlypeoplethathaditweretheprecinctpersonnel,
Ben, Captain, and Grace. There’s no way he could have gotten my information twice in
one week. This wasn’t a horror movie, it was real life. This couldn’t be happening. Not
again.

Pressingmylipsintoathinline,Ihungup.

Nottoday,Satan.

Istoppedatthestopsigndowntheroadfrommyhouse,neverfeelingsoisolatedasI

was now, in the woods, with not even a hint of the moon in the sky. I glanced in the
rearviewmirrorforanysignsofheadlights,thenturnedleft.Imissedsummer,whenthe
skydidn’tdarkenuntilnine.Now,inthebeginningoffall,Iwasluckytostillseethesun
atseven.

As I pulled up my driveway, my phone rang again. Unknown number. Stiffening, I

clicked the answer button on my steering wheel. “Detective Lopez,” I said, my voice
sharp.

This time, there was no mistaking the sound of the stereotypical heavy breathing on

theotherend.Itwasn’tstatic,orevenbadsignal.Itwasaman.Breathing.Intothephone.

Whenhadmylifebecomethis?WhenhadIbecometrappedinthisnightmare?

“Stopcallingme.”

Nothing.Justbreathing.

I hung up again, trembling, and got out of my car, my hand on my gun. Walking

quickly,Icametomydoorstepandfroze.There,lyingontheporch,wasasingleredrose.

Nonote.Nowrapping.Justarose.

I’dneverseenanythingmoreterrifyinginmylife.

Rushing past it, I stepped on it, unlocked the door, and rushed inside, ignoring the

flowerthatVinniehadalwaysgivenmewhenhe“messedup”and“letmemakehimmad
likethat.”

AsIclosedthedoorbehindme,Icalledout,“Grace?”

Gracecameoutimmediately,smiling.“Hey,howwaswork?”

“Good,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmyvoicesteady.

I hadn’t told Grace about Vinnie, or his reappearance in my life, but maybe it was

time.WhenVinniehadcomeintomylife,ruiningitandeverythinginsideit,Ihadbecome
closedofftotheworld.Allourmutualcolleagueshadtakenhisside,andhadn’tbelieved
my accusations. They’d made my life a living hell as I tried to navigate out of the
nightmareI’dbeenin.

Outofnecessity,I’dstoppedopeninguptopeople,andhadtrustednoone.Butmaybe

Benwasright.Maybeitwastimetochange.“Canwetalk?”

Gracefrowned,lookingworried.“What’swrong?”

“Nothing. I just need to tell you something about why I left California.” I sat at the

kitchentableandmotionedforGracetodothesame.

“Okay,butIhavetotellyousomethingfirst.”Gracehesitated.“Idon’tknowhowlong

it’lllast,sinceit’sevening,butyourmotherhashermemorytonight.Youmightwantto
goinwhileyoucan,andseeifsheremembersyou.”

Istood,trembling,theworldspinningaroundme.“Seriously?”

“Yeah.Whateveryouneedtosaycanwait.I’llberighthere.”

Legsshaking,IrantowardtoMom’sroom,hopeburstinginmychestforthefirsttime

since I’d come home. Over the last two months, my mother hadn’t recognized me. Not
evenonce.

So,iftonightwasthenight…

Wasthisactuallyhappening?

Irushedintotheroom,slowingmystepsasIcameinside,makingsurenottostartle

her.Mom’seyeslandedonme,andIhesitated,notsurehowtoproceed.Momhadclearly
showered,andsheworeherfavoritesweaterandthenecklaceDadhadgivenherforher
fortiethbirthday.

Shewasknitting,likeusual,butshe’dstartedanewprojectbesidesthebabyhatsshe

usually made for baby me. Her eyes dipped down, then up, then down again, taking in
everydetailaboutme.Hereyeswatered,andsheopenedherarms,smiling.“Sarah, my
baby.”

Choking on a sob, I didn’t hesitate to run to my Mom. I flung myself into her frail

arms and held on tight. She smelled just like I remembered. Flowers and perfume.
Betweenmyscareonthewayhome,thestressofmymove,andnowVinniefindingmeI
justcouldn’tholdbackanymore.Whenherarmswentaroundme,holdingmetight,there

wasnoholdingbackmybig,solid,loudsobsasmyshouldersheavedwitheachone.

Therewasnostoppingthem.

Sheheldmetightthewholetime,brushingmyhairoffmyforehead,shhingmelike

sheusedtodowhenIwasachildandI’dcomehomecryingbecauseMaggieMatthews
hadbeenmeantomeatrecessagain.Eventually,thesobsstopped,andIforcedmyselfto
pull it together and not waste a single second of this time I’d been granted. The doctors
hadtoldmetherewouldbedayswhereMomwaslucid,andtonotgetmyhopesupwhen
theyoccurred,butthiswasthefirsttimeshe’dactuallyhadone.

Iwasn’tgoingtowasteitcryingonhershoulder.

Swipingmyhandsovermycheeks,Isettledinontheedgeofherbed.Mom’swords

fromtheothernightechoedinmyhead,andIcouldn’thelpbutfeellikeI’dletherdown.
“I’msorryforcryingalloveryou.”

“Nothingtobesorryfor.”Shecuppedmycheeks,smilingatmewithherownwatery

eyes.“Suchabeautifulwomanyou’vebecome.Idon’tknowhowlongwehavetogether
likethis,sotellmeeverything.Idon’twanttomissathing.”

So…I did. I told my mother everything. I told her about California, and how I’d

movedbackheretobewithher—butnotmentioningtoomuchaboutVinnie,besidesthat
I’dhadaboyfriendbackthere,who’dturnedouttobeajerk.ThenItoldheraboutbeing
partneredwithBen,andhowwe’dmadeuprecently.

I also told her that I was taking care of her, and swore I’d never leave her side, to

which Mom had objected. “Grace told me how it’s been. You shouldn’t have to give up
yourlifetocareforme,Sarah.”

“I’mnot.”Ishookmyhead.“Ihavehelp.IhaveGrace.”

“Youcouldputmeinahome.Visitmethere—”

I held up a hand, cutting her off immediately. “No way. Absolutely not. I have you,

andI’mnotgivingyouup.Ever.”

“But if it gets worse, if I become a danger to myself…” She squeezed my hand,

smilingsadly.“IfIbecomeadangertoyou?Pleasedon’thesitatetoputmeinasafeplace.
Ifit’sforthebest,thensobeit.Youcanstillcomevisitme.”

“Mom…”

“Promise me you’ll do it, if it comes to that.” She squeezed my hand, her grip

surprisinglystrong.“Ineedyourword.”

Ihesitated,butfinallynodded,givingherwhatsheseemedtowant.“ButIpromiseI

won’tletanythinghappentoyou.”

Afterawhile,andmorecatchingup,Momhadfadedoffandfellasleep,andIleftthe

roomemotionallyexhausted.Grace,truetoherword,stillsatatthetable,abookinher
handsandherfeetuponthechairoppositeher.Whensheheardmeapproach,shelifted
herheadandsmiled.“Itakeitshewasstilllucid?”

“Yeah.”Igottwobeersoutandcrossedthekitchen,offeringheronesilently.

Grace took it, twisting the top off. “I’m glad you got to see her like that, but

tomorrow…”

“She’llbebacktoaskingmeifI’manurse.”Isatheavily.“Iknow.”

Gracetookasipofbeer.“I’msorry,Sarah.”

“Iknow.”

Afterafewmomentsofsilence,Graceclearedherthroat.“So…Yousaidyouwanted

totalktome?”

“Yeah.”

Gracesetherbeerdownandswipedherhandsonherscrubs.“What’sup?”

I hesitated, rested my elbows on the table, and locked gazes with my former best

friend.ThegirlIusedtotrustwithallmysecrets.CouldItrusthernow?Guesstherewas
onlyonewaytofindout.“YouneedtoknowwhyIcamebackhere,besidesformymom,
andwhatI’mrunningawayfrom.It’stimeItoldyoueverythingaboutwhathappenedin
NorthCarolina.”

Gracesettledbackinherchair.“Okay.I’mlistening.”

SIXTEEN

“Y

Ben

ou’rekiddingme,right?”Iasked,mygriponmyiPhonetight.

Dadsighed.“WhendoIeverkidaboutthistypeofthing,son?”

I glared at Sarah’s house, staring at the only light that was still on—the one in her

livingroom.Gracehadleftanhourago,andIwasinmycustomarypositionoutsidethe
housewhereIcouldwatchoverherwithoutherknowing.I’ddecidedtokeepmydistance
asIwatchedoverher,becauseifItoldherthetruth,she’dinsistIleave,andI’drefuse.
We’dfightaboutitaftermyrefusal,ofcourse,butIwasstubbornashell,andeventually
she’dseeIwasn’tgoinganywhere.Oncesheacceptedthat,she’dinvitemetosleeponthe
couch.ButifIsleptonthecouch,I’dbeclosetoher,andifIwasclosetoher,thenI’d
wanttotalktoher.IfItalkedtoher,I’dwanttotouchher.AndifItouchedher,I’dwant
tokissher.IfIkissedher…weallknewwhatcamenext.

Yeah.Neitherofuscouldaffordthatmistake.

“Sheshouldhavetoldus.”

Hesighed.“Ithinkit’stimeyoupressherformoreinformation.Themorewehave,

thebetterequippedwe’llbetoprotecther.Areyoutherenow?”

“Yes,inmycar.”

“Knockandpretendyoustoppedby.Tellherwhatweknow,andpolitelyrequestfor

thefullstorythistime.Weneedtoknowexactlywhatwe’reupagainsthere,andtheonly
waytoknowthatisthetruth.FromwhatIcantell,theydroppedthecharges,andaccused
heroffabricatingthewholestory,whichmeanssheliedabouthimbeinginjailinthefirst
place.Iwanttoknowwhyshelied.”

Igrittedhisteeth.“Yeah.Okay.”

“Findout,orIwill.”

I nodded once, recognizing that tone for what it was—an order from my boss. “Yes,

sir.”

Wehungup,andIsighed,shovingthephoneinmypocket.Withoutwastingtimeona

gameplan,Igotoutofmycarandmademywayuptothedoor,scanningtheperimeteras
Iwent.Nothingmoved,ormadeasoundoutoftheordinary,butIfeltlikesomeonewas
outthere,watching.Ididn’tlikethatfeelingatall.AsIclimbedthesteps,Ifrownedatthe

trampledredroseontheporch.HadSarahdroppeditonherwayinside?

Bending down, I picked it up, walked to the door, and knocked three times, sharply.

Silence greeted me, then after a while I heard the lock unlatch, and she peered at me
throughthecrackofthedoor.Sheworeapairofduckpajamas,herhairwasloosearound
her shoulders, and slightly damp as if she’d showered recently. Heart pounding because
shelookedsofuckingadorableinthosestupidpajamas,Iheldtheroseout.“Hey.I—”

“Whatareyoudoing?”shesaidatthesametime.

As her gaze fell to my hands, her eyes narrowed. She reached through the door,

snatchedtheroseoutofmygrip,andtosseditintothebushes.

“Whatthehell—?”Istarted.

“Whywereyouholdingthat?”shesnapped,interruptingme.

“Ifounditonyourporch,andpickeditup.”Ilookedovermyshoulderatthebushthat

nowhidtherose,confused.“Whydidyouthrowit?”

“Because I don’t want it.” She stepped aside, and gestured for me to come in,

searchingtheshadowsmuchlikeIjusthad.Didshesenseapresence,too?“Whatareyou
doinghere?”

“What’swiththeflower?”IaskedagainasIpassedher,watchingassheshutthedoor

and immediately locked it, then punched in the code for her security system. It beeped
twice.

“Idon’tlikeroses.”

Iblinked.“Sincewhen?”

“Since Vinnie used to give them to me after hitting me,” she answered without

hesitation.

“Shit.”Istiffened,lookingatthedoor.“Isitfromhim?”

“Idon’tknow.I’mtryingtotellmyselfitisn’t.”Shehuggedherself.“Whyelsewould

arandomrosebeonmyporch,though?”

“Youshouldhavecalledme,”Isaid,mytonehard.

“Iwasbusy.”

Busy.Riiiight.

Walking inside, I headed toward the couch where I’d slept the other night. Guess it

wouldbemybedagaintonight.NowayinhellI’dbeleavingheraloneafterhearingher
exmayormaynothaveputaroseonherporch.“Isyourmomasleep?”

“Yes,hasbeenforhours.”Shehuggedherselfharder.“Why?”

“Becauseweneedtotalk.”

“Sayswho?”sheasked,trailingbehindme.

“Me.”Ihesitated.“AndtheCaptain.”

Shecrossedherarms,eyeingmecautiously.“Why?”

“Youdidn’ttellusthewholestory,Sarah.”

“Itoldyoueverythingyouneededtoknow,”shesaidslowly,edgingclosertothewall.

Sheleanedagainstit,herarmsstillcrossed,butIcouldn’tshakethefeelingthatshewas
secondsfromfleeingmeandmyquestions.“Idatedhim.Heseemedlikeaniceguy.After
a while, he started hitting me. Threatened my life and my job if I told anyone. Almost
killedme.Ifinallylefthim,gotaPFA,andthenIcamehome.”

Iapproachedhercautiously.“Butyouleftoutonetinylittledetailabouthimthatwas

kindofimportant.”

Sheliftedherchin,hereyesflashingdefiantly.“What’sthat?”

“Thathe’safuckingcop.”Istoppedjustshortoftouchingher.“Andthatyouturned

himin,whichmadethedepartmenteagertoberidofyou,whichhelpedyougetthejob
here.Oh,andyoualsolied,becausehe’snotinjaillikeyousaid.”

“Therewasnolie.”Shepushedoffthewall.“Clearlyhegotout.”

“No.”Ibackedheragainstitbymovingcloser.Shewasn’tgoinganywhereuntilIhad

someanswers.“Henevergotin.”

Hernostrilsflared.“What?”

“Hewasneverinjail,”Isaidrigidly.“Youlied.”

Shepushedoffthewall,duckedundermyarm,andstartedpacingfuriously.“Ididn’t

lie.Don’tyoudareaccusemeoflying.”

Thewayshesaidthat,hertonebroken,remindedmeofsomethingmyfatherhadsaid.

Noonehadbelievedher,andshe’dbeenallaloneaftershetoldthetruthaboutherpartner.
Clearly,inmyanger,I’dstruckachord—somethingIdidn’tintendtodo.“Sarah…hewas
neverinjail.”

“You’vegottobekiddingme?”shecried,herfaceflushedwithanger.“You’retelling

methesecondIleft,theyjustlethimoffthehook?Theyjustlethimgo?Theyassuredme
ifIleft,ifIwentacrossthecountry—”

“Soyouactuallythoughthewasinjail?”Iinterrupted.

“OfcourseIdid.”Shestoopedpacingandspunonme.“WhywouldIlieaboutthat?”

“Idon’tknow.Whywouldyoulieabouthimbeingacop?”

She poked me in the chest. “I didn’t lie. I just didn’t mention it. His profession is

irrelevanttothesituation.”

“Thehellitis.”Icaughtherarm.“Hewasyourpartner.”

“So?Wedidn’thaveano-fraternizationrulelikeyourfather.”Shetriedtoyankfree,

butIdidn’tletgo.“Ididnothingwrong,Ben.”

“Ineversaidyoudid.”

“And yet you’re looking at me like that,” she spat, trying to pull free again. “With

judgey eyes. Or is it that you don’t believe me anymore? Are you like them? Are you

goingtoaccusemeofmakingitallupforattention?”

Anger hit me in the chest for more reasons than one. I backed her against the wall,

releasingher,butnotsettingherfree.Instead,Ipinnedherinwithmybody—whichwas
probablyahugefuckingmistake.“Areyouseriouslyaskingmethat?”

“Areyouseriouslylookingatmelikethat?”

Igrowledundermybreath.“Likewhat?”

“LikeIdidsomethingwrong.”Sheslammedherhandsagainstmychest,leavingthem

there. “They all looked at me like that when I reported him to the bureau. What was I
supposedtodo?Keepquiet?Lethimkillme,because,hey,atleastIwasn’tturninginmy
partner,right?AtleastIwasn’tturningonafellowcoplikeatraitor?”Shetossedherhair
overhershoulder,staringupatmewithfireinhereyes.“That’swhyyou’relookingatme
likethat,right?”

Shakingmyhead,Ibitmytongue,tryingtokeepthewordsfromcomingout.IfItold

herwhyIwaslookingatherlikethat,therewouldbenogoingback.

“Thenwhy?”shepersisted,clearlynotawareofhowcloseIwastosayingtheworst

thingIcouldpossiblysayrightnow,consideringherbodypressedagainstmineinallthe
rightplaces,andallIwantedwastopullherintomyarms,kissher,andswearI’dnever
letanyassholehurtheragain.

“I’mnotlookingatyoulikeanything,”Igrittedout.

Sheshookmeslightly,hergriponmyshirttight.“Yes,youare.Why?Tellme!”

Something inside me snapped, giving way to the need to be one hundred percent

honest with her, no matter the consequences. “Because you should have been with me,
damnit.Nothim.Youshouldhavebeenmine,youshouldstillbemine,andIneverwould
havehurtyoulikethat.That’swhyI’mlookingatyoulikethat—becauseIwantyoutobe
withme.Iwanttokeepyousafe,andIwishlikehellwecouldgobackintime,anddoit
alloveragainsoyouneverleftme.”

ThesecondIfinishedthatsentence,IknewI’dmadeahugemistake.Buttherewasno

takingthembacknow.I’dsaidthem.I’dmeantthem.Therewasnothingtodoaboutit.

BeforeIcouldevenattempttocleanuptheshitstormI’djustunleashedonusboth,she

did the unthinkable. She rose on her tiptoes, closed the distance between us, and kissed
me.

And I, selfish dumbass that I was, matched her unthinkable action with one of my

own. Instead of pushing her away and ending it before things went too far, I closed my
armsaroundher,hauledheragainstmychest,slammedheragainstthewall,and…

Ikissedherback.

SEVENTEEN

Sarah

ebackedmeagainstthewall,hisunyieldingmouthclaimingmineinaway
no other man had ever managed to claim me since I’d walked away from

himallthoseyearsago.Hishardbodypressedagainstminepushedmeovertheedgeof
controlandlogic.Therewasnolongeranythoughtprocess,orhesitation.I’dwantedhim
fromthemomentIlaideyesonhimagain,andtherewasnochangingthat—especiallynot
whenhismouthwasonmine.

Hishandsroameddownmycurves,overmyhips,andcuppedmybuttasheliftedme

and backed me firmly against the wall. I moaned into his mouth, grabbing his shirt and
yankingitup.Idesperatelyneededtofeelhisskinundermyfingers,torelearnwhatitfelt
liketohavehim.Heobliginglybrokethekissofflongenoughformetoremovetheshirt,
andtookadvantageoftheopportunitytohaulmineovermyhead,too,withouthesitation.

Nocomplaintsaboutthatonmyend.

Hefrozeashedroppedtheshirt,andforasecondIthoughthe’dcometohissenses,

but then he slowly trailed his fingers up my ribcage, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
“You’resofuckingbeautiful,Sarah.”

Iswallowedhard,notsurewhattosay,butluckily,Ididn’thavetothinkofanything.

Hemeldedhismouthtomineagain,andIranmytremblinghandsoverhishardbiceps.
Everyinchofhisbodyhadbeenchiseledtoperfection,anditwashardnottobealittle
self-conscious about the fact that I hadn’t been wearing a bra under my shirt, and that I
wasnowtoplessinfrontofamanwhobyallaccountsandpurposeshadn’tskippedaday
atthegymforyears.

Why’dIeatallthatchickenatdinner?

But all those lingering thoughts went away as he closed his palms over my breasts,

running the sides of his thumbs across my hard nipples. I dug my nails into his skin,
openingmymouthtohis.Assoonasmylipsparted,heslidhistongueinside,tastingme
withoutanysignsofthedoubtthathadplaguedme.Andjustlikethat?

Idoubtednomore.

Instead, I relearned his body as his tongue and fingers drove me to heights I hadn’t

seenbefore.EverywhereItouchedwasrockhardandincrediblyaddictive,andIcouldn’t
getenoughofthewayhiscrispchesthairfeltundermyfingertips.Ieagerlyfollowedthe

trailofhairdownhischest,overhisabs,andtohiswaist.WhenIhithisbelt,Ihesitated,
notsurewhethertoundoit,orwaittoseeifhecametohissenses…

As if he heard my thoughts, he ended the kiss, dropped me down on my own feet

again,andsteppedbackonceIwassteady.Hekickedhisblackshoestothesideandundid
hisbeltwithouttakinghiseyesoffme,pausingonlytoremoveacondomfromhispocket
beforelettinghispantshitthefloor.Clothedonlyinapairofboxers,heflexedhisjaw,his
handsfistedathissides.“I’llonlyaskthisonetime,Sarah.Areyousureyouwanttodo
this?”

Iswallowedhard,takingineverydetailabouthim.Hisbroadshoulders.Thehardpecs

withacoatingofblondchesthair.Hisnarrowwaist,andthehappytrailthatbeggedmeto
keepfollowingit,nomatterwhatmighthappenifIdid.Butmorethanallthat,Icouldn’t
lookawayfromthelookinhiseyes.HelookedatmeasifhemightdieifIchangedmy
mindandwalked,buthe’dstillpulledbacklongenoughtogivemetheopportunitytodo
so.

Becausethat’sthekindofguyhewas.

Smiling, I tugged my pajama pants down until I, too, stood in nothing but my

underwear.“I’veneverbeenmoresureofanythinginmylife,Ben.”

Heswallowedhard,hisjawflexing.BeforeIcouldsomuchasblink,hewasonme.

His mouth collided with mine, shooting off sparks, and he trapped me between the cool
wall and his hard, hot flesh. The contrast was downright tantalizing. He cupped my
breasts,squeezingthemwiththeperfectamountofpressureashemovedhishipsagainst
me, brushing against me in all the right places. I scratched my nails down his back,
skimmingoverhisshouldersandspine,notstoppinguntilIreachedthetopofhisboxer
briefs.

Once there, I hesitated only a fraction of a second this time before sliding over his

hips,tohisstomach,downthehappytrail,andinsidehisboxers.Iclosedmyfistoverhis
cock,squeezingtheheadandtugginggently.Hegroanedandthrustintomyhand,hisown
slippinglowerdownmybodytoreciprocatemysofttouches.Whenheteasedmyflesh,
circling over where I needed him most without touching me with enough pressure to
relievemyneed,Imoanedintohismouth,tuggingonhimharder.

“Ben…”Iwhimperedintohismouth,needinghimtogivememore,like,yesterday.

Thatseemedtobealltheencouragementheneeded.Breakingoffthekiss,hedropped

to his knees, putting him face level with my belly. He yanked my underwear down my
legs,liftedmyrightknee,tosseditoverhisshoulder,andburiedhisfaceinbetweenmy
thighs,sendingmestraighttoheavenwithoutawarning.

His tongue moved over me with a perfect rhythm that sent me soaring higher with

eachstroke,whilehishandsskimmedovermybareskineverywherehecouldreach.My
thighs.Waist.Breasts.Mybutt.Nothingwassafefromhistorment.

Everystroke,everygraze,setmynervesonfireevenmore.Everymuscleinmybody

tensedandstroveforrelease,beggingforhimtogivemewhatonlyhecould.Istrainedto
get closer to him, pumping my hips slowly as I grasped for the unreachable until it was
suddenlythere,inmygrasp,andlightsburstintomyvisionasIcamehard.

I pressed against his mouth, riding out the wave, and then sagged against the wall,

breathingheavily.AsItriedtoseestraightagain,herolledacondomontohisengorged
cock,takingcareoftheprotectionaspectofwhatwewereabouttodo.Iswallowedhard,
myheartpoundingaloudstaccatoagainstmyribs.Itwouldn’tslowdown.Wouldn’tcalm.

Sure,I’dbeenwithhimbefore,butwe’dbeenlittlemorethanchildren.Clearly,he’d

learned some tricks over the years since I’d been gone. I tried not to let that bother me,
becauseI’dlearnedafewtricksofmyown,butjealousycreptupanyway.Itwasmyfault
he’dlearnedthisstuffwithoutme,andthatwassomethingI’dneverforgivemyselffor.

He picked me up, backed me against the wall, kissing me just as frantically as he’d

done before he sent me shooting into the sky. Then he drove inside of me, filling me
completely,andIclungtohimtightly,withnointentionofeverlettinggoagain…

EventhoughwebothknewfullwellI’dhaveto.

EIGHTEEN

Ben

avingSarahinmyarmsagainwaslikerealizingI’dbeenasleepforthepast
tenyears,andwhatIthoughthadbeenrealitywasinfactadream.ButnowI

wasawakeandIrememberedwhatitfeltliketobetrulyaliveagain.Tobreatheandlaugh
andfeel.NowthatI’dfoundthatfeelingagain,nowthatI’dwokenup,Ididn’twanttofall
backasleep.Therewereamillionreasonswhyweshouldn’tbedoingthis,andamillion
and one reasons why it would never work…but there was also one huge reason why I
didn’tgiveadamn.

ItwasSarah.ItwasalwaysSarah.

Ithrustinsideher,holdingontohertightlyasIkissedherwitheveryounceofneedI’d

been feeling since the moment she walked back into my life, hating me because she
thought I could have cheated on her. Her body closed around me, squeezing me, and I
moved inside her at a steady rhythm, letting instinct take over. Every muscle inside me
tensed,demandingrelease,butIrefusedtogetthereuntilIbroughthertoorgasmatleast
onemoretime.

As I moved inside her, I slipped my hand between us, rolling my fingers over her.

Memoriesofherfuckingmymouthwithwildabandonhitme,doingnothingtocalmmy
demandingbodydown,buttherewasnoshuttingthoseimagesdownevenifIwantedto
—whichI,ofcourse,didn’t.I’dbereplayingthatmemoryinmymindfortherestofmy
life.

IdeepenedthekissasIthrustinsideheragain,groaningwhenshewrithedagainstme,

her walls clenching down on me even tighter than before. She tasted as good as I
remembered.Likehappinessandheaven,allmixedintoone.Thatdidn’tmakeanysense,
butIdidn’tgiveadamn.

Asmyfingersmovedoverherwetskin,shecriedmynameintomymouth,digging

hernailsintomybacksohardithurt,justthewayIlikedit.Herbodyclosedaroundmine,
squeezingmeinalltherightplaces,bringingmedangerouslycloseasshetumbledhead
over heels down the edge of pleasure. Growling, I finally let myself go, fucking her
withoutahintofself-controlorcalmness.Ithrustinsidehersweetbody—faster,harder—
andshecriedoutagain,herbodytensingaroundmineasshestrainedtoreachorgasmone
moretime.Whenshegottooloud,Isilencedhercrieswithmymouth,holdingmyown
pleasurebackuntilshecameagain.

Pressingmyfingersagainstheralreadysensitivecore,Ithrustinsideheronce,twice

—bam,shecame.Thistime,Iwasrighttherewithher,blacknesswashingovermeasI
camesohardIforgotwhoIwasandwhereIwasforabriefsecond,butneverwhoIwas
with.

Sarah.MySarah.

Restingmyforeheadonhers,Ikissedhersweetlyonemoretimebeforepullingback

tosurveyherface.I’dgottenalittleroughattheendthere,andcouldn’thelpbutwonder
ifI’dbeenalittletoo rough. I searched her face for any signs of pain or regret, but her
darkbrowneyeswereglowingwithhappiness,andherskinflushedwithpleasure.

PleasureI’dputthere.

“Wow,”shebreathed,smilingshylyatme,whichwasalittleabsurdconsideringIwas

stillburiedinsideherbody,butwhatever.“Thatwasamazing.”

“Agreed,” I managed to say, my voice still raspy. I touched her cheek, pushing her

dampenedhairoffhersweatyskin.Thatsimplemovement,andthewaysheleanedinto
mytouchwithhereyesshut,hitmychestlikeafist.Itsomehowfeltevenmoreintimate
thanwhatwe’djustdone.“Iknowthisisamessofcomplicationswedidn’tneed,butI
don’tregretadamnsecondofit.Irefusetopretendotherwise.”

“Me,too.”Herlidsdriftedup.“Idon’tregretiteither.”

Ihesitatedtoruinthemood,butshithadtobesaid.“Butwe—”

“Iknow.Noonecanknow.”

Iswallowedhard.“Ican’tloseyouasapartner.Notnow.”

“Idon’twanttoloseyou,either,”shepracticallywhispered,notmeetingmyeyes.

Tobehonest,Iwasn’tsurewhattosay.Wecouldn’tbetogether,butwedidn’twantto

beapart.Therewasnohappyendingtothis.Noeasyout.Noobviousanswers.Whatthe
hell were we supposed to do? “I need to be with you to watch your back. I don’t trust
anyoneelse.”

“Iknow.This…Itwon’thappeneveragain.”Shelickedherlips.“Itcanbeaone-time

thing,agoodbyeofsorts.”

Hesitating, I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened it again, shifting my weight

slightlyasIdebatedmyresponseverycarefully.Ididn’twantthistobeaone-timething,
not at all, but aside from sneaking around behind everyone’s back at the precinct,
includingmyfather’s,wastherereallyanotheroption?“Isthatwhatyouwantthistobe?
Agoodbye?”Iasked,mythroatthick.

Shebitherlip.“Don’taskmethat.”

“Whynot?”

“Becauseyouwon’tliketheanswer,”shesaid,holdingontomybiceps.“Icareabout

you, Ben. I do. But I’ve been down this road before, and your dad kind of has it right.
Datingyourpartnerisneveragoodidea.It…complicatesthings.”

I swallowed back my protests about not liking her answer, and focused on the one I

shouldvoiceoutloud.“I’mnothim.Don’tfuckingcomparemetohim.”

“I’mnot,”sheassuredmequickly.“Ineverwould.”

Isaidnothing,becauseitsureashellsoundedlikeshejusthad.

“But despite how much we like one another, despite our past feelings, we can’t risk

everything,right?”Shestudiedmeclosely.Tooclosely.“Wecan’tloseourjobsbecause
weusedtohavefeelingsforoneanother,onceuponatime.”

WhatelsewasIsupposedtosaytothat?ThatIstillhadfeelingsforher?ThatI’dgive

up anything for her, if she gave me the slightest clue that she wanted me to? It didn’t
matterifthatwastrue,becauseforustowork,sheneededtowantmeasbadlyasIwanted
her,andthatjustwasn’tgoingtohappen.Ifitwas,shewouldn’tbepushingmeawayright
now.“Right.”

Forasecond,shelookedupset.Asifmaybeshewantedmetogoaheadandlayitall

on the line, but she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and anything I may or may not
haveseenwasgonewhenshelookedatmeagain.ForallIknew,ithadbeenafigmentof
myimagination.Morethanlikely,itwas.“So,then,thisisgoodbye.”

“Well,notcompletely.We’restillpar—”

“But it is.” She framed my cheeks with her hands, locking gazes with me, and my

heart twisted in my chest painfully. “This is the moment when we move from what we
were,whatwecouldhavebeenallthoseyearsagoifthingshadbeendifferent,andnow
wehavetobecome…partnerswhohaveoneanother’sbacks,nomatterwhat.”

Ifthatwaswhatshewanted,ifthatwaswhatsheneededfromme,thenI’dgiveitto

her.I’dsworntomyself,andtoher,onthatfootballfieldinjunioryear,thatanythingshe
needed,I’dgivetoher.She’dneededspacetothink,andgotocollegeacrossthecountry?
I’dgivenittoher.She’dneededapartnerwhenshecameback,runningfromacrazyex,
andcaringforhermother?I’dgivenherthat,too.Closure?Sure,I’dtakemyclothesoff
andgiveherthat.

Now…shewasaskingmetogiveherapartner,andnothingelse,soguesswhat?I’d

makesureshegotwhatsheneeded.It’swhatIdid.Tookcareofher.

Swallowing hard, I stepped back from her, pulling out of her body for the last time.

Guessitwasmyturntowalkawaynow.TodenymyselfoftheonlythingI’deverwanted
inmylife—her.Holdingmyhandout,IforcedacalmsmileIdidn’tfeelaswestoodin
herlivingroom,nakedandcoveredinoneanother’ssweat.“Tobeingplatonicpartners?”

Sheeyedmyhand,thenslidhersintoit.“Tobeingpartners.”

Godhelpusboth.

NINETEEN

Sarah

henextafternoon,wesatinCaptain’soffice,staringathimashereadmy
file,tryingnottostareatoneanotherashedidso.LastnightwithBenhad

been…yeah, it had been incredible. The things dreams were made of. I’d never felt the
way he made me feel—alive, vibrant, wanted—with any other man, and I had begun to
suspectIimaginedthewholething.Thatallthosememoriesofcomingtolifeinhisarms
hadbeenthechildishfantasiesofagirlwho’dlovedaboywithallherheart,andthatthe
realityofthesubjecthadbeenfardullerthanremembered.

Onenightinhisarmshadrobbedmeofthatnotion.

BeingwithBenwaslikechasingaviolentstorm.Iknewitmighthurtme,andthere

wasachanceI’dendupsuckedintoanendlessvoid,butIdiditanywaybecauseguess
what?

Theriskswereworththereward.

Ifhe’dwantedmorethanaone-timething,ifhe’dwantedtokeeponseeingeachother

in secret, I had a feeling I would have done it, despite the consequences. I would have
givenitallupforhim,butinallhonesty,Iwashappyhehadn’taskedmetodoso.Torisk
everythingwastoputmyabilitytocareformymotherinjeopardy,andIcouldn’tdothat.
Icouldriskitallformyself,butnotmyailingmother.Itwasbetterthisway…

OrsoIkepttellingmyself.

But having him at my side, dressed in his usual suit and button up shirt, was killing

thatthoughtprocessinmyhead,becausehelookedgoodenoughtolick.He’dslickedhis
blondhairslickedbackandslightlytotheside,thewayIlikedit,andthosearmsthathad
heldmeupashebroughtmetopleasurerepeatedlywerebulgingagainsthissuitjacket,
beggingtobesetfree.

Icouldn’tstopstaring.

One taste of what things had been like with Ben wasn’t enough. It would never be

enough.Andyet…ithadtobeenough.Icouldn’trisklosingmyjob,andhavingtomove
my mother out of her home. I couldn’t just get a job in another town, since it was
imperative I remain close to my mother in case of emergencies. There was no way this
worked out happily for us, yet I knew instinctively that if we did this, if we ignored
cautionandgaveusatry,we’dbehappy.Trulyhappy.

Lifewasn’tfair.

IglancedatBenagain,unabletohelpmyself.

He’dbeenstaringatme,butwhenIlookedathim,hejerkedhimselfslightlyasifhe

realizedhe’dbeenstaring,satupstraighter,andwinkedcockilyatme.

Iforcedacalmsmileinreturn.

Captainliftedhischin.“Didnoonestandbyyoursideafterthiswentdown?”

“No,sir.”Igrippedmyknees.“Noone.”

“Andyourpartner?”heasked,staringatmeasifhehadn’twatchedmegrowup,and

asifIhadn’tsatathistableeverySundaynightfordinner.“Hewenttojail?”

“Iwastoldhewould,sir,”Isaidslowly,glancingatBen.“ButthenDetectiveRollins

informedmethatneverhappened,andhewasfreetostalkmeashechose.”

Benflexedhisjaw.“Afreedomheisclearlytakingadvantageof,sir.Therewasarose

on her porch yesterday, something he used to give her after…after…beating her. And
there’sbeenphonecalls,too.”

Iside-eyedhim.I’dtoldhimthatinconfidencelastnightbeforehe’dleft,butCaptain

had requested full details, so I guess it was time to give them. “I don’t have any proof
eitherofthosethingswerehim,though,besidesmyinstinct.”

“Theywerehim,”Bensaidwithoutahintofdoubt.

Hiscertaintymatchedmyownfeelingsonthematter.

“I’vegotsomemorebadnews,”Captainsaidslowly.

I hesitated, glancing at Ben for any hints of what might be coming. He looked as

interestedinthisinformationasme,soIguessthiswasnewstohim,too.Hadhefound
outaboutwhathappenedlastnightalready?WasIabouttogetfired?Therewasonlyone
waytofindout.“Andwhatmightthatbe,sir?”

“HegotthePFAthrownoutongroundsofslanderandlibel.”Hehesitated.“Afteryou

left, he proceeded to plead his case with the judge, who, from what I hear, is in his
pocket.”

I stiffened, my heart tearing. “He is. But I never thought…” I broke off, taking a

secondtogathermyself.“So,whatyou’resayingisthere’snothingstoppinghim,legally,
fromshowinguponmydoorstep.”

Benstoodup.“Sonofabitch—”

“Sitdown,Detective,”Captainordered.

Bensatimmediately.

Ididn’tmove,toonumbtoeventry.

“Youarecorrect,DetectiveLopez.There’snothingstoppinghim.”

No wonder Vinnie had sounded so cocky on the phone when I threatened to call the

judge.Heck,Ihadcalledhim.NosurprisethatJudgeRobertshadfailedtoinformmeof

thefacthe’dlethisdrinkingbuddyoffthehookwithoutsomuchasaspeckonhisrecord.

“Hecangetme,”Isaidhollowly.

Captainnodded,hiseyesshowingsympathyforthefirsttime.“ButI’lldomybestto

makesurethatdoesn’thappen.Wouldyouthinkitwisetoconsideratransfertoanother
state?Somewherethathewon’tbeabletofindyou?”

Ishookmyhead.“No.”

“But—”

“She’sinthesystemasadetective.Nomatterwhereshegoes,hecanfindher,”Ben

argued,hisfistsclenchedtight.“Withallduerespect,that’snotasolution…sir.”

Hehesitated.“Newcareer?”

Isaidnothing.Juststared.

Bencursedunderhisbreath.

“Ifyouinsistonstayingwhereheknowshowtofindyou—”

Igrippedmykneesevenharder,ignoringthefightorflightinstinctthatwaskicking

in.I’dranoncebefore,backhome,butthathadbeenforareason.Mymother.Ifitcame
tofightorflightagain,Ihadonlyoncechoice.Fight.“I’mnotrunning,sir.”

“Youdiditbefore.”Forasecond,Ithoughthewasreferringtomeleavinghissonall

those years ago, and was about to point out the impropriety of mentioning that in a
Captain/Detectivesetting,butthenheadded:“Whenyoucamebackhereandtookajob,
youranfromhim.Whynotdoitagain?”

“BecauseIneedtostayhere.”

Benadded,“She’snotrunning.It’llsolvenothing.Allrunninggivesherisnooneto

watchherback.Shegrewuphere,hasfamilyandfriendshere.Apartnerwhocaresabout
herandwillensurethisneverhappenstoheragain.Thisiswhereshebelongs—withus.”

“I wouldn’t go that far, Detective,” his father said, frowning. “There’s a bit of

animosityinthisofficeforher,aswell.She’dbebetteroffwithacleanslateinadifferent
state,ifyouaskme.”

Tears blurred my vision, but I blinked them back. Now was not the time. At home

alone,inmybed,withthedoorshut,wasthetimeformetofeelsorryformyself.“I’mnot
leaving.”

“Allright,Iguessit’smyjobtokeepyousafe,then,isn’tit?”hesaid,histonetinged

withresentmentoverthatsmallfact.

Ilickedmylips.“Sir,I—”

“It’sourdutyandourprivilegetocallherours,sir,”Bencutinangrily.“Andyes,it’s

ourjobtohelpprotectoneofourown.We’ddoitforanyonewhoworksinthesewalls,or
wearsabadge,andyoucanbedamnedsureI’lldoitforthegirlIoncelovedwithallmy
heart.”

“Weagreeonsomeofthat,Detective,”hesaidcarefully.Thenheturnedbacktome.

“Butformetoprotectyou,Ineedtoaskyousomequestions.Somepersonalquestions.”
Heglancedathissonbriefly.“Wouldyouratherbealonefortheseinquiries?”

Benstartedtostand,clearlythinkingheknewmyansweralready.Irestedahandon

his arm briefly, stopping him. He glanced at me in surprise, our gazes colliding with a
forcethatshookme.“Youcanstay.Likeyousaid,you’remypartner,right?”

“Right,”hesaid.

Ibroketheeyecontactfirst,takingmyhandbackandfacingmybossbeforehestarted

toquestionjusthowclosewe’dgottenlastnightbeforeBenhadtoldmethat.“Askaway,
sir.”

“Okay.”Captainclearedhisthroat,lookinguncomfortableforthefirsttime.“Inoticed

therearenohospitalreportsonfile.”

Isaidnothing,shakingmyhead.

“When you say he beat you, I’m just curious what level of violence we’re talking

abouthere,sowecanbetterinformthelocaljudgeshere.”Hehesitatedagain,hischeeks
reddening.“Slaps?Closedfists?Threats?”

“All of those,” I said, regaining my hold on my knees. They were the only thing

keeping me grounded right now. “He…hit me, slapped me, choked me, punched me,
kickedme,forcedhimselfonmesexuallywhenItriedtorefusehim.”

Ben cursed under his breath, reaching over and resting a hand on mine, which still

clungtomyknee.“Youdon’thavetodothis.”

“Yes,Ido,”Isaidhollowly.

Captainkeptwriting,notlookingup.

Whenhestoppedandliftedhishead,Iswallowedhard,mystomachhollowingoutasI

relived the drama of my own personal hell. My previous Captain hadn’t asked me for
details, but clearly that had been because he had no intention of ever actually filing the
charges against Vinnie. “The night I finally had enough, he threw me down, climbed on
topofme,andchokedmeuntilIblackedout.IthoughtIwasgoingtodie.WhenIdidn’t,
I woke up, crawled toward the door, and reported the abuse. He told me he’d kill me.
WhenIleft,Ithoughthe’dbeoutofmylifeforgood.But…he’snot.He’shere,andhe’s
goingtokillme,justlikehepromised.”

TWENTY

Ben

wasgoingtokillthesonofabitch.

Some way, somehow, I was going to find him, rip him apart piece by

piece, feed him to the ocean, put him back together, and then do it all over again. The
thingshe’ddonetoSarah,theatrocitieshe’dputherthrough,deservednothingless.What
killedmeevenmorethanthepainshe’dsufferedwasthewaysherecountedit.

He’shere,andhe’sgoingtokillme,justlikehepromised.

The way she said it, with no hint of emotion or doubt, sent a chill right down my

fuckingspine.Itwasasifsheacceptedthatthiswashowitwasgoingtoend,andthere
wasnothingshecoulddotoavoidit.Well,toughshit.Shemightthinkthatwastheonly
way this ended, but I didn’t agree. I would protect her with my life. Nothing was
happeningtoSarahLopez.

Notonmywatch.

“I’msorrytoputyouthroughthis,”Captainsaid,settinghispendown.Heswallowed

and added, “But we’re here for you, and from here on out, I want you guarded at all
times.”

She stiffened. “That’s not necessary, sir. I don’t wish to push undue attention on

myself,orapplyanyunduepressureonmycolleagues—whomyouyourselfhavepointed
outaren’tallthatfondofmeinthefirstplace.”

“Well, I don’t wish to have unwanted attention on my precinct when one of my

Detectives is killed by a psycho cop from North Carolina.” He leaned forward, his face
determined. “If you want to allow your partner into your home to help guard your back
whenyou’rethere,thenthat’sfine.Itrusthim.ButI’mstillgoingtoplacearotationof
officers outside your home in an unmarked car on a twenty-four-hour basis. Detective
Rollinscan’tliveinhiscar,andcontinuetocarrythatloadonhisownanymore.”

Shelookedatmeslowly,hereyeswide.

Well,shit.Waytoblowmycover,Dad.

“You’vebeensleepingoutsidemyhouse?”

Ihesitated,thennodded.“OnCaptain’sorders,yes.”

“Butclearlythiswillbealongordeal,untilwecanA:findthisguy,andB:catchhim

doingsomethingwrongthatwecanarresthimfor,sincehisrecordhasbeenexpunged.”
Captainstood.“Youcan’tbetheonlyoneoutsideherhouseanymore.Youneedtosleep,
and I’d rather you be inside the home, anyway, with someone outside, as well.
Understood?”

Inodded,standingalso.“Yes,sir.”

Sarahfidgetedassherosetoherfeet.“Withallduerespect,sir,isn’tthatoverkill?I’m

perfectlycapableoftakingcare—”

“No,it’snot.Youcamehere,tomyprecinct,withthismonsterchasingafteryou,so

it’smymonsternow,too,todealwithasIseefit.”Hetookonadefensivestance.“Your
partnerwillhelpguardtheinside,andI’llhaveanofficeroutsideyourhomeatalltimes.
That’sanorder.Isthatunderstood,Lopez?”

Sarahstiffened,butnodded,salutinghim.“Yes,sir.”

“You’reexcused.”

Sarah headed for the door, and I followed her. The second it closed behind us, she

spunonmewithangerinhereyes.“You’vebeensleepinginacaroutsidemyhouse?”

“Yes,”Isaid,keepingmyvoicedown.“Captain’sorders.”

“Whynotjustcomeinside?”Shecrossedherarms.“Orwasthatagainstorders?”

“I was given the option of being inside or outside, until now.” I cocked a brow. “I

chosethelatter,clearly.”

Shepressedhermouthintoaline.“Why?”

“BecauseIknewifIwentinside,whathappenedlastnightwouldhappen,andIwas

tryingtoavoidit,andthecomplicationsthatitwouldbring.”Assoonasthewordswere
outofmymouth,Irealizedhowitsounded,andwantedtotakethemback.“Imean—”

“Wow.”Shebackedup.Heroutwardangerdidnothingtohidethepainmywordshad

causedher,though.Isawitthere,inherdeepbrowneyes.“Well,sorrytoruinyourplans
ofkeepingyourselffreeofmeandmymessycomplications.”

Ireachedforherhand.“That’snotwhatImeant—”

“Save it. It doesn’t matter.” She pulled free. “I hope you like my couch. Looks like

you’llbespendingalotoftimeonit.”

Okay.Sheclearlywasn’thappywithme.“Icansleepoutsideifyouprefer.Theofficer

canbeinside.”

She snorted. “And have you defy direct orders? I wouldn’t dream of putting you in

thatposition.”

“Whyareyousopissed?”Iasked,glancingovermyshoulder.Hernandezwatchedus,

frowning.SodidMatthews…andhispartner,Rogers.“IsitbecauseIsleptoutsidewithout
tellingyou,orbecauseyou’reupsetImadeyoutellCaptainthetruthaboutwhathappened
withVinnie?”

“Both,”shehissed.“Everyone’sgoingtoknownow.”

“Whocares?Itwasn’tyourfault.Itwashis.”

“TellthattoeveryoneinNorthCarolinawhoturnedonme,”sheshotback,hervoice

trembling.“Tellthattomyformerfriendswhoturnedonme,andcalledmealyingwhore
that was only seeking attention. You have no idea what it’s like to be in this position.
None.”

Myheartfistedpainfullyattheshitshe’dgonethrough.“Sarah—”

“WhenIcamehere,Iwantedtogetacleanslate,awayfromthemanwhoturnedme

intosomethingIneverwanttobeagain,andawayfromthejudgingeyesofpeoplewho
daredtoaccusemeoftellingthetruthforattention.Asifsomeonewouldwantthatkind
ofattentiononthem.”Sheswallowedhard.“ButnowI’mrightbackinit,andifyouthink
at least half of those people out there won’t judge me and think I’m guilty of lies, then
you’refoolingyourself.”

Isearchedmymindfortherightthingtosay,butthetruthwasIhadnocluewhatthat

was.Itwaseasyformetosithereandsaythatwouldneverhappen,thatthepeopleinthis
precinct would never turn on her like that, but who the hell was I to make promises I
couldn’tkeep?Icouldn’tspeakforthem,anymorethanIcouldspeakforher.Itwasmy
hopethatnoonewoulddothat,sure,butIwasn’tnaïveenoughtobelievethathopescame
true.

Theydidn’t.

“Ifanyonepullsthatshitonyou,thenthey’llanswertome,”Igrowled.

She swallowed and swiped her hands down her face. She met my eyes, her own

resignedanddull.“Iappreciatethat,Ben.Ireallydo.Butthatdoesn’tchangethefactthat
if I didn’t tell anyone, if I had never opened my mouth and told you the truth, that I
wouldn’tbehererightnow,stuckinthissituation…again.”

More eyes were on us now, as we whispered back and forth in the hallway outside

Captain’soffice.Iknewweshouldendthisconversation,andfinishitlaterintheprivacy
ofherhome,butI’dupsether,andIwasn’tabouttowalkaway.“No,you’reright.You’d
bedeadinstead,becausenoonewouldhaveyourfuckingback.”

“Hatetobreakittoyou,butguesswhat?”sheshotback.“I’llprobablybedeadwhen

this is over anyway. You guys can’t follow me around for the rest of my life, and he’s
certainlynotgoingtobargein,andgethimselfcaught.He’stoosmartforthat.Allthese
precautions are a waste of time and department resources. He’ll wait it out until your
father gives up, and gets comfortable enough to remove the guards, and then when I’m
alone, he’ll come after me. Putting guys outside my house isn’t going to stop him—it’ll
justdelayhim.”

“ThenIguessI’mneverleavingyourhouse.Iwon’tgiveup.Iwon’tgetcomfortable.”

Iflexedmyjaw.“I’mnotleavingyouuntilhe’sgoneforgood.”

Shelaughed,butitwasn’tareallaugh.“Yeah.Sure.Okay.Movein.Livewithmefor

therestofyourlife,andgiveupanychancesofevergettingmarried,andlivinghappily.
Dedicateyourlifetokeepingmealive,andprotectingmeatallcosts.”

“Gladly,”Isnapped.“Ilookforwardtoit.”

“Fine,”sheshotbacksarcastically.“Can’twait.”

WhenIdidn’tsayanythingelse,sheshiftedonherfeet,lookingaroundnervously.It

was then that she must’ve noticed our audience, because she blanched and stepped back
evenfurtherfromme.“Peoplearewatching.”

“Noshit,”Ishotback.“We’vebeenarguingforfiveminutes.”

Sheforcedasmileforourcrowd,thensaid,“I’mdonehere.”

“Metoo.”

Withoutanotherword,shestormedoff,andIlether,watchinghergo.Asshewalked,

Ifollowedthegazesofeveryoneelse,andcouldn’thelpbutwonderifshewasright.

Wouldtheyturnonher,oncetheyfoundoutthetruth?

TWENTY-ONE

Sarah

tossedpillows,ablanket,andaflatsheetonBen’slap,notmeetinghiseyes.
“Hereyougo.Youcanjustleavethemouthere.I’llwashthemwhenIdomy
ownsheets.”

Hetookthem,settingthemaside.“Youdon’thavetowashmysheets.Icandothem

myself.”

“My sheets. My laundry. My house.” I glanced at his carry-on suitcase, which he’d

placedinthecornerofthelivingroom.“What’sinthere?”

“Towels,acoupleofsetsofclothes,underwear,socks.”Heturnedbacktome.“Why?

Isthataproblem?”

Ihuggedmyself,emotionallydrainedfromeverythingthathadgoneontoday.Captain

had held a meeting with the people assigned to my case, telling only a select few the
details of my life and about the man trying to kill me. He’d told them all to keep the
detailsofmycasetothemselves,andtotellnoone…whichmeantbynow,everyoneinthe
precinctknewthewholestory.

Couldn’twaitforworktomorrow.

The truth would come out about who believed me, and who would hate on me for

turningonanothercop.“No.It’snotaproblem.Feelfreetohangyourstuffinthecloset
overtheresoitdoesn’twrinkle.”Itippedmyheadtowardthecoatcloset.“Washer’satthe
endofthehalltotheleft,andsoistheguestbathroom…whichyoualreadyknow.There’s
ashowerintherethatyoucanhavetoyourself.Theotherbedroomismymother’s,which
is the last door on the right. Don’t go in there. She’s sleeping and if you wake her up,
you’llconfuseandupsether.”

Henodded.“Okay.”

“Ifyou’rehungry,youknowwherethekitchenis.Helpyourselftowhateveryouwant.

Ifyouemptysomething,pleaseaddittothelistsoIcangetitwhenIgoshopping.”

“Whenwegoshopping.”

Ipaused,confused.“Excuseme?”

“Ifyougoshopping,Igo,too.You’renotgoingalone.CaptainwasveryclearI’mto

bebyyoursideatalltimes.”

Icrossedmyarmsagain,angeratthiswholesituationtakingovermylifeagain.Good.

It was better than the fear and helplessness that had been nagging me like a long-lost
friend I’d hoped to never see again. “Oh. Right. Should I bring you in the ladies’ room
withme,andtheshower,too,tomakesureI’msafeintherewhileI’mwashingmyhair?”

Hislipstwitchedatthelastpart.“Well,actually—”

“Oh,shutup,”Isnapped.

Heheldhishandsup,smilingfullynowasheapproachedme.“Youkindofaskedfor

thatsortofreply,giventhecircumstances.”

“JustlikeIaskedforyoutobehere,withme,thenightafterwehadsexanddecidedit

wouldneverhappenagain?”ItippedmyheadbacksoIcouldstarehimdowndespitethe
heightdifference.“Yeah,thatsoundslikeanexcellentideatome.”

Heflexedhisjaw.“ItoldyouIcouldbetheoneoutside.”

“Areyouthatscaredtobeclosetome?”Itaunted,unabletohelpmyself.

After all, he’d frigging slept outside my house without telling me to avoid me. That

wasn’texactlythebestformyself-esteem,thankyouverymuch.

“I’mnotscaredofyou,”hemumbledgruffly.

“Are you sure?” I poked at his chest. “I mean, you wouldn’t want to catch my

complications.They’recontagious—oh,wait. Too late. I touched you. You caught them,
andlookatyounow.Stuckherewiththegirlyoujusthadaone-nightstandwith.”

“Stopit,”hesnapped,catchingmyfinger.

“Why?Don’tlikeit?”Iaskedinnocently.

“No,Idon’tfuckinglikeit.Ishouldn’thavesaidwhatIsaid,howIsaidit,butIslept

outsidebecauseIdidn’twanttoputyouinthepositionofbeingstuckwithapartneryou
didn’twant,whoyou’dsleptwith,andIdidn’twanttoputyouatriskforlosingyourjob.”
He pulled me close. “Those are the complications I meant, not your ex, and protecting
you. I’d do that even if we never fucked. I’d do that for a stranger. It’s my job to keep
peoplesafe,Sarah.”

I knew that, just like I knew he’d lay his life down for someone he didn’t know,

without hesitation. It’s part of what made him such a great guy. And now here he was,
stuckwithme,unabletogohome,andtherewasnothingwecoulddotochangeitbecause
I’dopenedmybigfatmouthandtoldthetruthaboutVinnie…again.

Sometimes,lateatnight,Iwonderedifthiswasallmyfault.IfI’dinvitedVinnieto

takeadvantageofmesomehow,andifIcouldhaveavoideditifI’djustkeptmymouth
shut,whichwasridiculous.Iwasn’tatfault,Vinniewas.Hewasasickmanwhoneeded
help,andIcouldn’tbetheonetogiveittohim.Iknewallthis.Butlateatnight,alonein
mybed,mymindwentthere.

Italwayswentthere.

“Iknowitsucks,andIknowyou’rescared,justlikeIknowyou’renotreallyangryat

me,butmoreattheworldformakingthishappentoyou,”Bensaid,histonesofteningas

heloosenedhisgriponmeandpulledmeintohisarmsforahug.“Butpleaseknowthat
beinghereisnotacomplicationforme.You’renotacomplication.Iamhereforyou,for
whatever you need. Always have been. Always will be. That’ll never change, no matter
how much you take your anger at the world out on me. If you need me to be your
punchingbag,I’llbeyourpunchingbag.Ifyouneedmetobeyourenemy,I’llbethat.If
youneedmetobeyourfriend,Ialreadyam.Justask,andwhateveryourequireisyours.
Youknowthat.”

Hewasright.Idid.

And just like that, the emotions I’d managed to hold back came flooding to the

surface.Theybrokeme,andIcurledmyfaceintohischest,clingingtohim.Ididn’tcry,
butthatdidn’tmeanthatIdidn’tmournallthethingsthatshouldhavebeen,andallthe
things that I could have avoided if I’d stayed and fought all those years ago, instead of
fleeing.

Afterall,ifI’ddonethat,ifI’djusttalkedtohiminsteadofleavinglikeIhad,Inever

would have gone to Duke, and I never would have met Vinnie, and I never would have
gonethroughhelllikethat.

Thiswasmypunishmentforbreakinghisheart.Ideservedtobemiserableandalone,

unable to be with the man that I loved, because I was a horrible person. Part of me was
sure this was my penance, that I’d suffer for the rest of my life because I’d jumped to
assumptions,andleftinsteadofgivingthemanwho’dalwaysgivenmeeverythingIasked
forachancetoexplainhimself.Ishouldhavegivenhimachancetoexplainhimself.

“I’msorry,”Iwhisperedintohisshirt.“I’msofuckingsorry.”

“Sh.”Hecradledthebackofmyhead,smoothingmyhairandhuggingmeclose.“I

know,babe.Iknow.Metoo.”

Andthenhesaidnothingelse.Justheldme.

Ilookedupathim,andhehesitatedbeforeloweringhislipstomineandkissingme.It

wasundemanding,nostringsattached.Justasimple,sweetkiss.Whenhepulledback,he
wipedmytearsoffmycheeks,pressedmyfaceagainsthischestagain,andheldme.

Itwasperfect…

Justlikehim.

TWENTY-TWO

Ben

hesunshonethroughtheblinds,andthesoundofsomeonemovingaround
inthekitchenawokemeslowly,butthenIstartledawakebecausewhothe

hell was in my kitchen? It took me a few seconds of blinking around the room in
confusiontorememberwhereIwas,andwhyIheardsomeonemovingaround.Iwason
Sarah’scouch,anditmustbehermovingaround,becauseshelivedhere.Yawning,Isat
upslowlyandrubbedmyeyes.

Asif she sensedme waking up,she popped her headout of thekitchen. She wore a

greypencilskirt,abuttonupblouse,andshe’dknottedherhairatthebackofherneck.

Fuckingperfection,likeusual.

“Howdoyoulikeyoureggs?”sheasked.

“Huh?”Imumbled,stillgroggy.

“Eggs.Scrambled?Fried?”

“Youdon’thavetocookforme,”Isaidslowly.

She waved the black plastic spatula around. For all intents and purposes, she looked

muchcalmerthanthenightbefore.Anyhintsofvulnerabilityandfearweregone,andher
mouth was relaxed instead of pinched together tightly. “I’m making them for Mom
anyway.She’shungry.”

“Whatkindisshehaving?”

“Scrambled,”sherepliedrightaway.

“Thenscrambleditis.”

Shenodded.“Gowashupandgetready.It’llbeafewminutes.”

Andthenshewasgoneasquicklyasshe’dcame.

Iyawnedagain,thenstood,stretching.I’dsleptinapairofsweatsandalooseT-shirt

insteadofmyboxerbriefs,sinceIfiguredmewalkingaroundthehouseinmyunderwear
wasn’t a good idea for either of us. As I made my way barefoot toward the bathroom, I
passedhermother’sroom.

Thedoorwasopen,andshewassittingup.

Ihadn’tseenherinyears—ten,tobeexact.SomertonwasasmalltownbyCalifornia

standards,sure,butthatstillmadeitprettydamnbig,andIrarelyranintopeoplesinceI
usuallyspentmostofmyhoursattheprecinct.

Her hair was grayer than I remembered, and someone had brushed it smoothly over

hershoulders,morethanlikelySarah.Sheworeanightgownwithflowersonit,andwas
tuckedincozilywithknittingonherlap.I’dreadastudyoncethatAlzheimer’spatients
retained memories of activities that required hand eye coordination, even though they
couldn’t remember the year, or their names. Guess that held true, since she was knitting
something.

As if she sensed me standing there, she lifted her head and looked at me. Frowning,

shecockedherhead.“Who’sthere?”

Istartedtobackup,rememberingquitewellthatSarahorderedmetoleaveheralone

soIdidn’tupsether.

Butthensheordered,“Comein,youngman.”

Hesitating,Iglancedovermyshoulder,thensteppedforward.Itwasn’tinmyDNAto

disobeyadirectorder,especiallynotfromasickoldwoman.“Yes,Mrs.Lopez?”

“Whoareyou?”Shestudiedme.Istoodalittlestraighter.“Areyounewhere?Idon’t

rememberseeingyoubefore,andyet…youremindmeofsomeone.”

I stepped closer, smiling. “I’m new, but I’ve been here a few times. How are you

feelingtoday,Mrs.Lopez?”

“Tired.”Sheyawned.“Theothernurseismakingmeeggs.Aretheyalmostready?”

The other nurse… Sarah? She didn’t know who her own daughter was? Well, shit. I

mean,yeah,Ikindofknewthat,butseeingitfirsthandwasdifferent.“They’llbeready
soon.”

“Excellent.”Shewinced.“Canyouadjustmypillows?Mybackhurts.”

“Of course.” I went inside the room, my steps slow. Should I fix them, or let Sarah

handleit?Wasthereaproperwaytodoso?Iwaswayouttamyleaguehere,andIknewit.
“Didyousleepwelllastnight,Mrs.Lopez?”

“Idid.”Shesatup,sayingnothingmore.

Ireachedaroundhergingerly,hesitated,thensqueezedthepillowdirectlybehindher,

fluffingitup.Afterdoingthesametotherestofthem,Ismiledandsaid,“Allset.”

Sheleanedback,sighing.“Perfect,thankyou.”Sheglancedatthewindow.“Canwe

goforawalktoday?Thesunisshining.”

I glanced outside, too. It was, indeed, shining…but I wasn’t sure if she could go on

walks.Herbrainwasn’tfunctioningproperly,sure,butwhatabouttherestofher?Wasshe
allowedoutsidewithsupervision?ImadeamentalnotetoaskSarahformoreinformation
onhermother,soifthishappenedagainI’dfeellesslikeafishoutofwater.“I’llhaveto
asktheothernurse.I’mtoonewtoanswerthat.”

“Allright,”shesaid,hertonedismissive.

Ibackedtowardthedoor.“Ifthat’sall—”

“Canyoufindmyyarn?”

Iswallowedhard,glancingovermyshoulder.WherethehellwasSarah?“Youryarn?”

“Yes,it’sred.I’mmakingmybabyahat.”

“Your…baby?”Isaidslowly,walkingtowardher.“YoumeanSarah?”

Shelitup.“Yes.You’veseenher?Isn’tsheadorable?”

“She is.” I swallowed hard and lifted the red yarn and needles off her lap. It was,

indeed,whatlookedtobeababyhat.Myheartwrenched,bothforthewomaninthebed
andforSarah.“Thecutest.”

Mrs.Lopeztooktheyarn.“Shetakesafterme.”

“Ofcourse.”

“Doyouknowhowtoknit?”sheaskedme.

“Actually,yes,Ido.”Iperchedontheedgeofthebed.“MymothertaughtmewhenI

waseleven.Ineverstopped,andstilloccasionallypickuptheneedlestorelax.It’sbeen
toolongsinceIheldsomeyarn,though.I’llhavetostartaproject.”

“Howlong?”

“Months,”Iadmitted.“Almostayear.”

Shebeamed.“Nooneshouldgothatlongwithoutknittingintheirlives.Wanttodoa

fewstitchesformybaby?”

“I…”Ihesitated.“Areyousure?It’syourproject.”

“I’msure.”Shehelditoutagain.“Goon.”

Itookit,positioningtheballofyarninmylap.Istudiedthepattern.Standardribbing:

purltwo,knittwo.“Thislooksgreat.”

“Thankyou.”

Islidtheneedleinsidetheyarn.“Howoldisyourbaby?”

“Six months.” She lit up even more. “She rolls over, and is almost crawling already.

She’ssoterriblyclever.”

“Indeed.”Islidthestitchtotheotherneedle.“I’mahugefanofyourdaughter’s.”

Mrs.Lopezstudiedhim.“Areyou?”

“Iam.”

Shetouchedhishand.“Don’tforgettoswitchtotheknitstitch.”

“Iwon’t.”Ididastold.

“Doyousing?”

Iblinked.“Excuseme?”

“Doyousing?Yourvoice…”Shefadedoff,staringintothedistance.

After a period of silence, I swallowed. “I sing in the car, and the shower, when I’m

alone.”

“Canyousingforme?”

Well,shit.I’dneversunginfrontofsomeonebefore.“Whatsong?”

“Anything.”

IrackedmybrainforasongIcouldsing,andsettledonasongI’dheardontheradio

yesterday by Ed Sheeran. I sang to her, low and soft, as I knit. She laid back on the
pillows, closing her eyes and smiling. I watched her as I knit and sang to her, my heart
wrenching painfully in my chest. This woman, this vibrant woman, had lost so much in
herlife…

ButsohadSarah.

She’dcomebackhere,despitetheriskstoherself,tocareforamotherwhonolonger

rememberedwhoshewas.Itwasahorriblerealitytohavetofacedaily—allalone.Ikept
singing, keeping my voice soft as I started a new row. She’d closed her eyes, and she
lookedatpeace,soIdidn’twanttostop.

“Your eggs are ready, Mrs.—” Sarah came into the room, breaking off midsentence.

Shestaredatmewithwideeyes,herfacegoingpale,andhergazedippedtotheknithatin
myhands.“Whatareyoudoing?”

Istoppedsingingimmediately,standingwithapoundingheart.“I…uh…”

“Sitagain,please,”Mrs.Lopezsaid,catchingmyhand.“Keepsingingtome.”

Sarahstaredevenhardernow,hergriponthetrayoffoodtight.“Singing?”

“Sheaskedmetosingtoherandknit,”Isaidgently,standingupdespitehermother’s

pleas.“SoIdid.”

Shesaidnothing.Juststared.

Turningmybackonher,Isettheknittingdowninhermother’slap.Smiling,Ileaned

down to her level and touched her cheek gently. “I’ll sing to you again later, okay? Eat
youreggsnow.”

Hermothernodded.“Iamhungry.”

Sarahpulledherselftogetherandpassedhimwiththetray.“They’reniceandhot,just

thewayyoulikethem.”

“Didyoumakesomeformybaby?”

Sarahforcedasmileasshesetthetraydown.IknewIshouldgo,butIfeltlikeshe

neededsomeonetherewithher.“Yes,she’seatingnow.”

Grace came in, wearing a pair of green scrubs. “Sorry I’m late. I hit traffic, but I’m

herenow.Gogetready,I’llstayinherewithher.”

“It’sokay.”Sarahdidn’tlookhisway.“Comeon,Ben.Breakfastisready.”

Aswewalkedaway,IheardMrs.Lopezask,“CanyousingtomewhileIeat?That

othernursehadsuchanicevoice.”

I swallowed and closed the door behind us. The second we were alone, I started

talking.KnowingSarah,shewaspissedashellatmeforintrudingonherpersonallifelike
that.“Iwaswalkingby,andshespottedme.IswearthatIdidn’tupsether,Ijustfollowed
her—”

Whatever I’d been about to say got cut off as Sarah pushed me against the wall,

slammedherbodyagainstmine,andkissedme.Itwasthefirsttimeshe’dwillinglydone
sosincewe’dbeenthrownbacktogether,andtherewassomethingbehindit—anemotion
Icouldn’tname—thattookmydamnbreathaway.

Groaning,Icaughtthebackofhershirtatthebaseofherspine,fistingitandpulling

heragainstmychest.Hermouthopened,andItookfulladvantageofthat,sweepingmy
tongue into her mouth without even a hint of hesitation even though this shouldn’t be
happeningrightnow.

IfCaptainfoundout…

Hatingmyselfforcaring,Ipulledbackandendedthekissbeforethingswenttoofar.

She immediately went in for another kiss, making a protesting sound as she buried her
handsinmyhairandtuggedmedown.

Iresisted.“Sarah…”

Shefrozeatthesoundofmyvoice.Shelookedupatme—confusion,need,andpainin

those deep dark brown depths of hers—not moving. I could see it. The desire to keep
going,despitetheconsequences.IwishIcouldfeelthesame,butIcouldn’tdothattoher.

Therewastoomuchontheline.

“Iwantthis.Iwantyou.”Iswallowed.“Butwecan’t.Ifwegetcaughtby—”

Shepushedoffme,pushingherhairoutofherface.“Iknow.”

“Sarah—”

Sheheldashakinghandup.“Iknow.”

Withoutanotherword,sheheadedforthekitchen.Ifollowedher,mybodyachingto

stop her, spin her in my arms, and take her against the wall until we both forgot every
singlereasonweshouldn’tbetogether…

Nomatterthecost.

TWENTY-THREE

“E

Sarah

xcuse me, are you Sarah?” an unfamiliar masculine voice said from behind me. It

wasshortlyafterlunch,andthepolicestationwasbuzzingwithactivity.Peopletalkedall
aroundme,thelowmurmurofvoicessomehowbecomingacalmingsoundtomystrung-
outnerves.

I turned on my heel, exhaustion taking over me and making my reflexes slower.

KnowingthatVinniewasouttheresomewherewatchingmedidn’texactlyhelpmegeta
goodnight’srest…andneitherdidhavingmyonlyotherexundermyroof.“Yes?”

“Delivery.”Themessengerheldoutahandhelddevice.“Signhere,please?”

“Whofrom?”Iasked,carefullyexaminingthesmallenvelopeinhishand.

“Itsays…”Hesquinted.“Anonymous.”

Vinnie.Mystomachfisted.“DoIhavetoacceptit?”

“Well,no…”

I sensed who was behind me before he even spoke. “What’s this?” Ben asked,

stoppingjustshortofpressinghisshouldertomine.

“Ananonymousdelivery,”Isaid,notbotheringtotellhimtomindhisownbusiness.

Fornow,hewasallupinmine,andtherewasnothingIcoulddotochangethat.

Thismorning…withmymother…

He’dgottenpastdefensesI’dhadinplacefortenyearsnow,andbecausehehad,there

wasnowayIwasgoingtobeabletoputthembackinplace.He’dknockeddownwalls,
andtheyweren’tgoingbackup.Ifhehadn’tstoppedthatkissthismorning,nothingwould
have stopped me from bringing him in my room to find out if he was as good as I
rememberedornot.

Noteventhethreatoflosingmyjob.

“Signforit.”

Sighing,Ididashesaid,andtooktheenvelope.

“Comeon,”hesaid,headingforhisfather’soffice.

Ifollowedhimsilently,notwantingtoseewhatwasinside,yetknowingIhadto.He

heldthedooropenforme,andIwalkedinside.Heshutitbehindbothofus,andhisfather
wasthere,waitingbehindhisdesk.“Sir,Sarahgotananonymousdelivery.”

Thecaptainsatupstraighter,pickeduphisphone,andcalledsomeone.“Hello,send

Thomasin.Ihavesomethingheneedstocheck.”Hehungupandmotionedusforward.
“Forensicsisonitsway.Bringithere.”

Benwalkedforward.IstayedwhereIwas.

“Isitfromhim?”

Ishrugged.“Ihaven’topenedit,sir.”

“Well, let’s do so.” He pulled a pair of latex gloves out of the box behind him, and

openeditgingerly.Icreptforward,myheartpoundinghard.Asheslidthesinglepieceof
paperout,Iheldmybreath.“Itsays…‘I’mcoming.’”

“What?”Iasked,lettingoutthebreath.

“That’sit.‘I’mcoming.’”

SoundedlikeVinnie.Helikedtokeephisthreatslow-key.

Moreeffectivethatway.

Bensnarled.“Asshole.”

“We’ll dust it for fingerprints.” He carefully slid it back in the envelope, then set it

down.“Anyactivityatthehouselastnight?”

IavoidedBen’seyes.“No,sir.”

“Ididn’thearanything,”Benagreed.“Neitherdidtheuniformoutsidethehouse.”

“Wereyouinside?”heasked.

“Yes.”

Iadded,“Onthecouch,sir.”

Heeyedme.“Ifigured.”

“Justmakingsure.I’dhatetolosemyjob.”

“You’reawareofwhatwouldhappenifyoucrossedthatline.”Heturnedtohisson.

“Youbothare.Itrustyoutofollowtherules,andnotrisktermination.”

“Sir—”Benstartedstiffly.

“We’renotdiscussingtherulesthatyoubothagreedtowhenyouacceptedajobinthis

office.Yousignedthecontract,andtherulesstand.”Herestedhishandsonthetopofhis
desk. “We are discussing Detective Lopez’s safety. Will you continue to sleep in the
house,oristhereaproblemwiththat?”

“There’snoproblem,”Bengrittedout.

“Thenkeeponasyouhave.We’lldustthisforfingerprints,butI’msurehecovered

histracks.He’sacop,afterall.”

Bennoddedandheadedforthedoor.

“Ihaveaquestion,sir,”Isaidquietly.

Hisfathernodded.“Allright.Goon.”

IglancedatBen,whohadstoppedwalking.“I’dliketoaskit…alone.”

Ben’sshouldersstiffened.

“You’redismissed,Detective,”Captainsaid.

Benwalkedout,sayingnothing.

Assoonasthedoorshut,Captainfrownedatme.“What’sup?”

“Iwaswonderingifitmightbepossibleformetogetreassignedtoanewpartner?”

Hecrossedhisarms.“HasDetectiveRollinsdonesomethingwrong?”

“No,he’sagreatpartner.”

Hecockedabrow.Helookedsomuchlikehissoninthatmomentthatitwasalmost

freaky.“Thenwhygetanewone?”

“Youknowwhy,sir.”

Hesnorted.“Thepairingstays.”

“Iunderstandyoudon’tlikeme,sir,andI’mnottryingtochangethat,but—”

“But nothing. I paired the two of you up because the rookie cop you spoke of who

needed an established detective to learn from. You did, too. It had nothing to do with
whetherIlikedyouornot.”

Isteppedcloser.“You’resettingusupforfailure,sir.”

“Ifyoufail,youhavenoonetoblamebutyourselves.You’renotchildren.Youknow

therules,andIexpectyoutofollowthem.”

Iopenedmymouth.“Andifwedon’t?”

“Thenyou’llbothbelookingforanewjob.”

Hedidthisonpurpose.Putustogethersohedidn’thavetoworryaboutmecatching

his son in my grasp again. He knew it. Ben knew it. So did I. But there was no way to
proveit,sounlessIwantedtogotowarwithmynewboss,therewasn’tanythingIcould
doaboutit.Ineededthisjob,andthemedicalinsurance,soguesswhat?Ikeptmymouth
shut.

I headed for the door. When my hand was on the knob, he called out, “Detective

Lopez?”

“Yes,sir?”Iaskedwithoutturningaround.

“You’re right. I don’t like you very much. When you left my son behind, you broke

him in ways I’ve never seen. I don’t trust you. I didn’t want to hire you.” He let out a
breath.“ButIdid,andIamgoingtoprotectyou.Playitsafe,anddon’tforcemetodo
somethingIhavenointentionofdoing.Ihappentolikeyourmotherverymuch.”

Istiffened,facinghim.“Whatdoesmymotherhavetodowiththis?”

“She’sadependentonyourpaperwork.I’mawareyou’recaringforher,andbelieveit

ornot,afteryoulefttown,wekeptintouch.I’mfullyawareofhermedicalcondition,and
it was the only reason I allowed the precinct to force you upon us.” He flexed his jaw.
“Don’tjeopardizehercareforalittlebitofrebellionwithmysonforoldtime’ssake.It’s
notworthit.”

Iswallowedhard.“Yes,sir.”

Withoutsayinganythingelse,Ilefthisoffice.AsIsteppedintothehallway,Benwas

there,leaningagainstthewallwithhisanklescrossedastightlyashisarms.“Good?”

Inodded,notmeetinghisgaze.“Yep.”

“Letmeguess.Youaskedforanewpartner,andgotdenied.”

“Doesitmatter?”Ishotback.

Iwalkedpasthim,buthecaughtmyarm,haltingme.

“Kindof.”Hisgriponmeshifted.“Ithoughtweweregettingalong.”

“That’spreciselytheproblem,nowisn’tit?”Ilockedgazeswithhim.“We’regetting

alongalittletoowell,andeventhoughIkeeptellingmyselftokeepmydistance,tonot
pushmyluck,Iknow,deepdownthatifyouletme,I’dloseitallforyou,andIcan’tdo
thattomymother.”

Heswallowedhard,hisgriponmeloosening.“Sarah…”

“Don’t.Justdon’t.”

Letting go of me, he swallowed and stepped back. He’d put the distance between us

thatIdidn’thavethestrengthtofind.“Iwouldneverletyouloseitall.”

“Iknow,becauseyou’rethatgoodofaguy,whichonlymakesitworse.Thiswouldbe

somucheasierifyouweretheassholeIspenttheselasttenyearsthinkingyouwere.”I
closedmyeyesforasecond,thenaddedwithbrutalhonesty,“Iwishyou’dcheatedonme.
IwishyouwereeveryinchthebastardIthoughtyouwere,becausethiswouldbesomuch
easier.”

Andwiththat?

Iwalkedaway.

TWENTY-FOUR

Ben

woke up to the sound of something hitting wood. What kind of wood, what
kind of object, I had no fucking clue. But it had woke me up, and I wasn’t
abouttoignoretheinstinctthattoldmesomethingwasgoingon.Rollingoff

the couch in one smooth motion, I grabbed my gun and tiptoed toward the front door,
barefoot and only wearing a pair of sweats. The hair on the back of my neck rose, and
everynerveinmybodyheightenedwithawareness.

Ifthatassholewasoutthere,lurkinginSarah’sbushes,Ididn’tcareifwewerelacking

proofofhistreachery—he’dbeadeadmanwithoutthatproof.Hewasn’tgoingtotoucha
damnhaironSarah’shead.

As I crept closer to the door, Sarah moaned in her room, followed by that same

thunkingnoiseagainstwood.Switchingdirection,Ihurriedtowardherroomasquietlyas
Icould.Ifhewasinherroom…

Iturnedtheknobslowly,makingsuretokeepitsilent.Asituationlikethiscalledfor

silent stealth—not forced entry. That knocking sound happened again, as I slid the door
open and crept inside. I searched for signs of another man, for an intruder, but came up
empty.

Shemoanedagain,andmyattentionslammedintoheronthebed,writhing…withher

hand between her legs. Her eyes were closed, and she bit her lip to keep quiet, but it
wasn’tworking.Iheardeverysoundshemade.

Every.Fucking.Sound.

Itoldmyselfnottomove.Toldmyselftoturnaround,closethatdoor,andpretendI

hadn’tjustwitnessedthemosteroticthingI’veeverseeninmylife.Toldmyselftoforget
it ever happened, because I was a good guy, and good guys didn’t take advantage of
womenwhentheyweren’tsupposedto.Ieventookastepbackward,intothehallway,but
then…thenshesaidtheonewordguaranteedtomakemestopdeadinmytracks.

Onesimpleword.

“Ben…”

Myattentionsnappedtoherface.Atfirst,Ithoughtshesawme,buthereyeshadn’t

opened, and her hand was moving faster now. Harder. Her breath came faster, and her
breastsroseandfellasshewrithedonthebed,lettingherlegsopenmore,andI’mgoing

to be honest here. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, would have stopped me from doing what
camenext.

Growling,Ishutthedoor,lockedit,andlaidmygunonherdresser.Istalkedacross

the room, no longer bothering to be quiet. Her eyes flew open, and she stared at me,
cheeksflushedinthemoonlight,herhandstillbetweenherthighs.Seeingherfingerson
herself,overthatsexystripofsatinshecalledpanties,wasenoughtomakemeforgetall
aboutbeingagoodguy.

I climbed on top of her, laid my body on hers, and kissed her with all the pent-up

frustration I’d been feeling since the last time we’d slipped. Her smooth skin touched
mine,andIranmyhandsoverherbody,touchingeverywhereIcouldfind.Herhips.Her
ass.Herthighs.

WhenIslidmyhandbetweenus,coveringherfingersbutnotactuallytouchingher,

shegaspedintomymouthandstartedmovingherhandagain.Shecircledherclit,rubbing
hard,herbreathcomingfastashertongueswirledaroundmine.Everystroke,everytouch,
brought her higher until her whole body stiffened beneath mine, and she came with my
nameonherlips.“Ben.”

Without waiting a second more, I rolled onto my back and slid my hands down my

sweats,closing my fistover my hardcock. She got onher knees, eyeswide as I jerked,
staringatherasmyhandslidupanddownmyshaft.Shebitherlipandletoutthesexiest
moanI’deverheard,climbedontopofme,androdemeasmyhandmovedovermyself,
giving me the sexiest lap dance I’d ever had. Her ass brushed the tip of my cock as I
jerkedoff,thesatinpanties,sweatsandshredofself-controltheonlythingthatkeptme
fromrollingheroverandfuckingherproperly.

Shekissedme,hersoftlipsonmineassheslidhercoreagainstme,teasingmeand

driving me closer to the edge with every thrust. When she trailed her fingers down my
chestandovermyabs,Ithrustintomyhand,socloseIcouldtasteitalmostasclearlyasI
tasted her. She slipped her hand inside my sweats, covering my hand with hers like I’d
donetoher,andheldon.

Her fingers on my skin as I touched myself was exactly what I needed to come. I

threaded my hand through her hair, deepened the kiss, and came in an explosion of
fireworks.

That’sright.Motherfuckingfireworks.

Icollapsedonherpillows,tryingtocatchmybreath,andsherolledoffme,hugging

herself as she knelt there, staring at me. We studied one another, neither of us daring to
speak because we’d crossed the line again, and we both knew it. We might not have
fucked,butwemightaswellhave.

Still.Wehadn’t.

Herlipstwitchedslightly,andhersmilebrokethesilence.“Youalwaysweregoodat

findingwaysaroundtherules.”

Irubbedmyfacewithbothhands,staringattheceilingfanwhirringoverheadwitha

softbuzzingsound.“Iknow.I’msorry.Ijust…Ithoughtyouwereintrouble,heardsome

banging.”

Shesnorted.

“Jesus,”Igrunted,smilingdespitemyself.“Growup.”

“Never,”shevowed.

“Anyway.”Ireachedoutandtuggedonapieceofherhairplayfully,becausewhothe

hellwasIkidding?I’dnevergrownup,either,andhadnointentionofeverdoingso.“I
heardnoises,andthoughtyouwereunderattack,soIcameinwithmygun—”

Herjawdropped.

“—butyouwerealone,andthenyousaidmyname…”

Hercheeksflushed,andsheslammedhermouthshut.“Oh,God.Idid?”

“Youdid.”

Shefloppedontoherbackdramatically.“Getthatgun,andshootmenow.”

“Never.”Irolledontomyside,proppingmyselfuponmyelbow.Ireachedoutslowly

andtouchedhersoftcheek,brushingmyknucklesagainstittenderly.“I’llneverhurtyou,
Sarah,andthat’swhyI’mgoingtowalkoutthatdoor,andasfarasI’mconcerned,that
wasahotdreamIhad.Thisneverhappened,andwedidn’ttoethelinetonight.”

Sheswallowed.“Wecan’tkeepdoingthis.”

“Iknow.There’stoomuchonthelinerightnow.”Ipulledmytouchaway.“Itwon’t

happenagain.”

Wincing,shelookedatmewithanhonestyinhereyesthatwasimpossibletoignore.

“Iknow,andthat’swhatscaresmethemost.Iwish…”

“Iknow.”IforcedasmileasIstood.“Metoo.”

“Didyoueveraskforanewpartner?”

“Repeatedly. He refused.” I stood and rubbed the back of my neck. My sweats were

sticking to me, and I needed a shower and a change of clothes before they dried to my
skin.“Hewantsustogethersowecan’tbetogether.”

Sheswallowed.“Ifigured.I’msorryhethrewyouinwithmejusttokeepyouaway

fromme.”

“There’snothingtobesorryfor.”

She shook her head. “Sure there is. You’re forced to stay here, and not go home, all

becausemyex—”

“Haven’t you learned by now, Sarah?” I smiled again, leaning down and kissing her

sweaty forehead. “I’m not forced into doing shit when it comes to you, because I’d do
anythingforyou.”

Thatwasthetruth.

Iheadedforthedoor,notlookingback,becauseifIlookedback,Iwouldn’tleaveher

in that bed alone. I’d crawl back inside it, climb on top of her, and show her just how

much I’d do for her, if given the chance. Instead, I grabbed my gun, tiptoed past her
mother’sdoor,andwentintothebathroom.AsIturnedthewateron,Isteppedoutofmy
dirtysweatsandclimbedintotheshowernaked.Mybodywasstillhummingwithdesire
anditwasinnowaysatisfiedwithmyhand.Istillneededher,butIcouldn’thaveher.

Resting my forehead on the cool tile, I closed my fist over my cock and closed my

eyes,picturingherlyingonherbedwithherhandbetweenherthighsandmynameonher
lips,pleasuredeepeninghervoiceasshecriedouttome.Myhandtightened,andIjerked
harder,refusingtostopuntilIcameagain,sinceIwouldn’tbesleepinguntilIdid.Ibitmy
tongue,refusingtocryoutincasesheheardme,andIputusbackintothesituationwe’d
beeninmomentsbefore.

MyabsflexedasIclosedmyeyes,picturinghernakedbodyinmymind,andtheway

thegoosebumpsroseoverherfleshbeforeshecame.Inmyhead,hernippleswerehard,
beggingformytouch,andasherhandslidbetweenherthighs,mymouthwasrightthere,
ready and willing to help in ways I hadn’t let myself help earlier. As my mouth closed
over her, she cried out and writhed beneath me, closing her thighs on either side of my
head.Inmyhead,weweretogether,andshebroughtmetoheightsI’dneverseenbefore.

Myhandmovedfaster,andinmymind’seyeitwasherhandonme,notmyown.She

closedhermouthoverme,takingmeinbetweenherlushlips,andIwasagoner.Icame
withhernameonmytongue,bitingitbacksoIdidn’tmakeasound,thecooltileagainst
myblazingskintheonlyreminderthatwhathadjusthappenedwasn’treal.

Ithadallbeenafantasy.

Butinmymind,inthatfantasy,nothingstoodinthewayofmehavingher.Shewas

mine.Iwashers.Havingthatfeelinginsideme—realornot—onlyshowedmethatIwas
right.Onewayoranother,afterthiswasallover,Ihadtofindawaytomakethisfantasy
intoareality.

Shehadtobemineagain.

TWENTY-FIVE

Sarah

satatthetable,blinkingastheconversationcarriedonaroundmewithease.
Ben had dragged me out for dinner with his friends, one of which was
Hernandez—who I clearly knew very well, since we worked together. The

others—Carrie,Finn,Riley, andNoelle—I’dnever metbefore,but theyseemedfriendly
enough. The four I’d just met were all married, and very happily so, from what I could
tell.NoelleandRileyhadbeenstealingkissesallnight,andCarrieandFinnwerejustas
enthusiasticallyhangingononeanother.

Thatleftme,Ben,andHernandezastheoddmenout.

Finn, a man with tattoos up his arms and sandy blond hair, leaned closer to me and

said,“How’sitfeel,comingbackhomeafterbeingontheeastcoast?”

“Weird,”Iadmitted.“Californiansaresodifferentfromthepeopleoverthere.”

Henodded.“Iknow.They’reactuallypoliteontheeastcoast.”

Ichokedonalaugh.“Areyoufromthereoriginally?”

“Kinda.”Heshrugged.“IwasakidinCali,butthenmydadgotajobonsecurityfor

Carrie’s father in DC, so I spent most of my life there, until she moved out here for
college.”

“Andyoutwowenttothesameschool?”

“Notexactly,”hesaiddryly.

Riley piped in from across the table. Clearly, he’d been listening in on our

conversation. “He was her secret guard. He watched over her without her knowing it.
They ended up falling in love, and then she found out the truth and told him to kiss her
ass.”

Myeyeswentwide.“Seriously?”

Carrie,abeautifulredheadwithbrightblueeyes,crossedherarms.“Seriously.”

“Clearly, we worked through it.” Finn threw his arm around her shoulders. “Right,

babe?”

Shepursedherlips,snugglingagainsthimdespiteher:“Hmph.”

“Andyoutwo?”Iasked,smilingatNoelle,whowasthequietestofthemall.“What’s

yourstory?”

“We met in a hotel bar, and she brought my drunk ass to her room out of pity since

theywereallbookedup.”Rileygrinned.“SomethingItookfulladvantageof.”

Shepushedherhusbandplayfully.“Hush,you.”

“Soundsprettynormal,”Isaid,pickingupmydrinkandtakingaswig.

“It was…until I left her money on the dresser, and she thought I thought she was a

hooker,anditallwentcrazyfromthereonout.”

Ichokedonmybeer.

Finnburstintolaughter.

Carriesmackedhisarm.

“Ow,”hesaid,glaringather.

Hernandezgrinned.“Irememberthat.”

“Wealldo,”Noelleshotback,scowlingatherhusband.

IlookedatHernandez.“Andyou?”

“Uh…”Heraisedabrow.“Whataboutme?”

“Howdoyoufitintothislittlegroup?”

“I was in the military with Finn. When he went overseas, I took over his bodyguard

dutieswithCarrie.Then,laterwhenIdecidedonacareerchangeIwenttocollege,met
Ben—andtherestishistory.”

“But…”Igesturedattheotherpeople.“Nogreatlovestoriesliketheirs?”

Hernandezstiffened.“Nope.”

“Actually—”Carriestarted.

“Isaidnope.”

Finnrolledhiseyes.“Whatever,man.”

“Whoisshe?”Iasked,focusingonBensincehewasthemostlikelytospillhisguts.

Bensighed.“Carrie’soldroommate.Marie.”

Hernandezshotthemiddlefingerhisway.

“Theyhadathingforoneanother,butnothingeverhappened,”Carrieexplained.“Just

lots of tension and awkward silences that still continue to this day when they see one
another.”

Ifrowned.“Isshemarried?”

“No.”

“Datingsomeoneseriously?”Iaskedagain.

Finnshookhishead.“Notrightnow,anyway.”

IlookedatHernandez.“Sowhyisshejustastory,andnotsittingherewithus?”

“Because she isn’t a story, or anything else. She’s just an old acquaintance,”

Hernandezsaid,hismouthpinchedtight.“Theseguysjustwanttopairusofftocomplete
thecircle.”

Benliftedhisbeer.“Bullshit.”

“It’snotbullshit.There’snothingbetweenmeandMarie.Neverhasbeen.”Hernandez

turnedhisattentiononBen,andIstiffened,knowingwhatwascomingnext.“Speakingof
which…whydon’tyoutellthemyourstory?”

“Fuckoff,”Benshotback.

Finnleanedforward.“Dotell.Thegirlswouldlovetohearit.”

“Thegirlscanspeakforthemselves,”Carriemutteredtohim.

“Iknow.Butweknowyouwanttoknow,”Finnargued.

“Iwould,”Carriesaid.“Butstill.”

Noelleperkedupforthefirsttimethatnight.“There’sastory?”

“There’salwaysastory,”Rileysaid,grinning.

Benflexedhisjaw,staringstraightahead.

Ifoundmynapkinsuddenlyveryinteresting.

“Theyusedtobehighschoolsweethearts,”Hernandezsaid,sinceweweren’taboutto.

“Werehappyascouldbe,untilonedaySarahdecidedtoupandmoveacrossthecountry
withouttellinghimwhy.”

“Ohshit,thisisher?”Finnasked.

“Shh,”Rileyhissed.

OhGod,they’dtalkedaboutme?

NoellelookedfromBen,tome,andbackagain.“But…Why?”

“Yeah,why?”Hernandezsaid,grinningatme.

“BecauseI’manasshole,”Isaid.

Atthesametime,Bensaid,“Shethoughtshesawmeinmybedwithanothergirl.”

“What?”Hernandezsaid.

Carrie’seyeswidened.

“Ben,”Ihissed.

“Wemightaswelltellthemthetruth,”hesaid,shrugging.“They’renotgoingtogive

upuntilwedo.Besides,wehavenothingtohide.”

Isaggedinmychair.

He continued: “I let a buddy use my bed, and when she went in and saw who she

thoughtwasmeinthebedwithsomeoneelse,shelostit,packedup,andacceptedanoffer

atDuke.Therestwashistory,tillshecamebackandourcaptainpartneredusup.”

Finnwhistledthroughhisteeth.“So,allthistime,youthoughthecheatedonyou…”

“And you thought she left you for no reason,” Noelle said with wonder. “I need to

writethisdown.Givemeapen,Riley.”

Iblinkedather.“Excuseme?”

“Sorry.”ShetookthepenfromRiley.“Iwriteromance.”

“AndRileywritesmysteries,”Carrieadded,smiling.

“O-Oh.Cool.”

Shewiggleditintheair.“Doyoumind?”

Ishookmyhead.

Benwavedahandather.“Dowhatyoumust.”

“So,what’sitlikenow?”Carrieasked,watchingherclosely.Tooclosely.“Howisit

workingtogetherwithallthathistory?”

“It’sgood,”Bensaid.

“Fine,”Iadded.

Welookedatoneanother.

Finnclearedhisthroat.“Wow.”

“Yeah.”Benturnedawayfirst.“Wow.”

Noellefinishedwriting,andbitherlip.“Whydidhepartnerthetwoofyouupinthe

firstplace?Justbadluck?”

“Somethinglikethat.”

Bensnorted.

“Sohehatesyouboth?”Carrieasked.

“Somethinglikethat,”Imutteredagain.“Though,really,justme.”

“TheircaptainisBen’sfather,remember?”FinnsaidtoCarrie.

“Ooooh,that’sright.”

Noelle lifted her head and gasped. “Let me guess, there’s a strict anti-fraternization

ruleintheprecinct?”

Benpointedather.“Correct.”

Noellepickedupherpenandstartedwritingagain.

Igroaned.Mylifewasabouttobecometheplotofhernextbestseller.Insidethepages

ofNoelle’sbook,herstorywouldendhappily.Icouldn’thelpbutwonder…wouldmine?

“Changeofsubject?”Beninterjected,shootingmeanapologeticgrin.“HowisMarie,

Carrie?”

“She’sgreat.Sheaskedaboutyoutheotherday.”

Istiffened.

Hernandezglowered.

“Ohyeah?”Benasked,seeminglyunawareofboththosethings.“Whatshesay?”

“Actually, she asked if you were still single.” She shrugged, side-eying Hernandez.

“Shehasathingforcops.”

Ben grinned and rubbed his stomach. “Hell yeah, she does. Last time we saw one

anotheratyourHalloweenparty—”

“I’mgettingadrink.Anyonewantone?”Hernandezshotingruffly.

Iraisedahand.“Me.”

“Metoo,”Bensaid.

“Fuckoff,”hisbestfriendshotback.

Carriegasped.

Finnlaughed.

Hernandezwalkedaway.

Bensigheddramatically.

“Whydoyoudothattohim?”Rileyasked.

“Because I’m sick of them both being stupid and stubborn.” She leaned back in the

chairandtookasipofherCoke.“Theyneedtojusthookupalready,andputallofusout
ofourmisery.”

“Iknow,”Benagreed.

Istillsatstiffly.

“NothinghappenedbetweenmeandMarie,”Bensaidunderhisbreath.

“Whatever.”

Carrie glanced at me and smiled. “She didn’t really ask if he was single, Sarah.

Relax.”

“Iamrelaxed,”Isaidimmediately.“Whywouldn’tIberelaxed?”

Finnsnorted.

Carrieelbowedhim.

Noellekeptwriting.

Rileyrubbedherbackandwatchedasshewrote.

“Welcometothegroup,Sarah,”Bensaiddryly.

Theyallsmiledatme,evenNoelle,andIcouldn’thelpbutthink…

WhathadIgottenmyselfinto?

TWENTY-SIX

Ben

arahwassmiling.Actuallysmiling.IthadbeenawhilesinceI’dseenherlook
happy, or carefree, and I had to admit it…if that had anything to do with me,

then I was going to smile, too. She’d balked at the idea of going out with me and my
friends,butintheend,we’dallgottenalongsplendidly,justasI’dsuspectedwewould.
Afterall,Sarahwasincredible.

Justasamazingasmyfriends.

Therewasnodenyingthattherewerefeelingsstilltherebetweenus—real,undeniable,

strong ones. But in our current situation, no matter how much I might wish it were
different,Iwasn’tfreetopursuethosefeelings.Thepunishmentwasn’tworththerisk.I
wouldn’tbethereasonSarahLopezlostherjob…

Orherabilitytocareforhermother.

Sheunlockedthedoorandsmiledoverhershoulderatme.Herbrownhairfellinsoft

wavesdownherback,andshehadononeofthoseskirtsthathuggedherassandbegged
for me to—no, I was going to stop that thought right there. Nothing about her body
beggedformetodoanything.“Guesswhat?”

Isnappedoutofmythoughts.“What?”

“Ihadfuntonight.ThanksforinsistingIgoout.It’sbeenawhilesinceIhungoutwith

agroupoffriendslikethat.”

“Howlong?”Iaskedoutofcuriosity,holdingthescreendooropenforher.

“SincebeforeVinnie.Hedidn’tlikemegoingout…orhavingfriends.”

Iswallowedhard.“Asshole.”

“Yeah.” She walked inside, and I followed her. “Being home, with you, it’s brought

outa side ofme that Ithought had died. Thekind that actuallyknows how to socialize,
andlaugh…”

I closed the door and forced my hands to stay at my side, even though my fingers

itchedtoreachoutandtouchhersoftcheek.Tocomforther.“I’msorrythathappenedto
you,andevensorrierIwasn’ttheretohelp.”

“Ileftyou,remember?”shesaidquietly.“IfIhadn’t—”

“Don’tgothere.”

Shebitherlowerlip.“HowcanInot?”

“Sarah…”Isaid,steppingclosertoher,myarmoutstretched.

Someoneclearedtheirthroatbehindus,andshejumpedslightly.

Myhanddroppedbacktomysidewhereitbelonged.

“Howwasdinner?”Graceasked,watchinguswithanexpressionlessexpression.

“Great,”Sarahsaid,tuckingherhairbehindherear.“How’sMom?”

“She’sstillawake.Shetoldmeshewaswaitingupforthe‘malenursewhosingsand

knits’tocomein.”Graceglancedatme.“I’massumingthat’syou?”

“Y-Yeah,”Isaidslowly.

“Sheremembershim?”

Iknewimmediatelywhatshewasthinking.

Herownmotherhadforgottenher,butsherememberedsomeguywhovisitedherthe

other morning and never came back in? Little did she know, though, I had. I’d made a
habit of visiting Mrs. Lopez every day. She liked when I knitted her hats, and sang Ed
Sheeransongstoher,soIdiditdaily.Myvoicecalmedher,andsheoftenfellasleepwhile
Isang.ItseemedlikeitwastheleastIcoulddowhilelivingunderSarah’sroof.

“Apparently,”Gracesaid.

Sarahswallowed.

Somethingtwistedinmychest.“Sarah—”

“It’sfine.It’sgood.I’mhappyshelikesyou.”Shewrappedherarmsaroundherself.

“Doyoumind—?”

“Ofcoursenot,”Isaidimmediately.“I’llgoinnow.”

ShecaughtmyhandasIpassed.“Ben?”

“Yes?”

“Thankyou.”

Isqueezedherhand.“Nothingtothankmefor,Sar.”

Sheletmego,andImademywaybacktohermom’sroom,myheartpoundinghard

formorereasonsthanone.Ihadn’tcalledherbyhernicknamesincewe’dbeentogether,
andithadfelt…right.Ihadn’treallyknownwherewemightgoafterwetookcareofthis
whole ex-boyfriend thing, but I had a vision in my head now—and it didn’t include us
beingplatonicpartners.Afterweputthatassholebehindbarswherehebelonged?

Itwouldbetimetogetmygirlback.

IfIhadtoleavemyfather’sprecincttomakeithappen,thensobeit.I’dlivedalife

without Sarah, and I’d lived a life with her at my side, and I could tell you, without a
doubt,thatIpreferredthelatter.Ifshefeltthesamewayasme,I’ddoanything,sacrifice

anything,tohaveheragain.

Walkingintotheroom,Ipastedasmileon.“Mrs.Lopez.Youshouldn’thavewaited

upforme.It’slate.”

“Nottoolateforme,”shesaid,smilingatme.Shefumbledinherlapforherknitting,

whichwaswhereitalwayswas,andhandeditofftome.“Doyoumind?”

She sounded so much like her daughter in that moment that it physically hurt. “Of

coursenot.”

“Youstartedanewone?”

Sheflushed.“Idid.Pinkthistime.Sarahlovespink.”

Sarahhatedpink.“Yes,shedoes.”

Sarahslidinsidetheroom,archingabrowatme.Iknewwhatsheasked.Shewanted

toknowifitwasokayifshestayed.Ineversanginfrontofherbefore,andtobehonest,
thatmademealittlenervous,butatthesametime,itfeltlikesomethingsheshouldsee.
Hermotherateaselikethis.Inoddedather,thenfocusedonhermother,pretendingshe
wasn’tthere.

Itwasbestthatway.

“Didyoubindofftheotherhat?”Iasked.

“Idid.”Shesmiled.“It’sthere.”

Shemotionedtotheright.Therewasapileofbabyhats.IwonderedidlywhatSarah

didwiththemall.“Nice.”

“Singtome?”Sheyawned,coveringhermouth.Despiteherbravado,itwaslate,and

shewastired.Bytheendofthesong,she’dmorethanlikelybeasleep.

“Anyrequests?”Iaskedteasingly,knitting.

“Theoneabouthimlovingthegirltillthey’reold.”

That could be a handful of Ed Sheeran songs, but I went with the one that fit best.

Swallowinghard,IglancedatSarah,wholeanedagainstthecornerwatchingme,andthen
focusedonhermotheragain.She’snotthere.Notlistening.

IsangtoMrs.Lopez,keepingmyvoicepleasantlylow,workingmywaythroughthe

wholesong.Hereyesstartedtodriftshut,soIstartedover,knowingfromexperienceifI
changedsongsitwouldjarherawake.Asherbreathingevenedout,andherfacerelaxed,I
tuckedherin,knowingshewassoundasleepandwouldremainthatwayfortheevening.

Then,andonlythen,IglancedatSarah.

Shewatchedme,herhandpressedtohermouth,tearsrunningdownhercheeks.She

lookedsobeautifulstandingthere,overcomewithemotion,andtryasImight,Icouldn’t
breakeyecontact.Icontinuedsinging,butatsomepoint,mysongstoppedbeingforher
mother,andbecameasongforher.ApromisetothegirlIusedtolove,andthewoman
she’dbecome.

Setting the knitting aside, I crossed the room, singing the last words as I closed the

distancebetweenus.AsIfinished,shetookashudderingbreath,droppingherhandfrom
hermouth.Trembling,sheofferedittome,andItookitwithouthesitation.Sheledmeout
inthehallway,andIquietlyclosedthedoorbehindus.Allthelightsinthehousewereoff,
soIcouldonlyassumewewerealone.“Grace?”Iasked.

“Gone,”shesaid.Westoodinthehallway,silenceanddarknesssurroundingus.“Do

youdothatoften?Singhertosleep?”sheasked,hervoicethickwithemotion.

Inodded,thenrememberedshecouldn’tseeme.“Yes.Ihopeyoudon’tmind.”

“Idon’t.”Abriefsilence.“Andtheknitting?”

“Yeah,that,too.”

“I donate the hats to Somerton Hospital. They give them to babies and sick kids…”

Sheshiftedclosertome.Icouldn’tseeher,butIcouldsenseit.“Shejustkeepsknitting
themfornoone.”

“Not no one.” I reached through the darkness, searching out and finding her cheek.

“You.”

“Babyme.Notme.”Sheswallowedandleanedintomyhand.“Shelikesyou.”

“Ilikeher,too.”

Silence,andthen:“Ilikeyou.”

“I…”MyheartspedupandIflexedmyjaw.“Ilikeyou,too.”

Withoutwarning,sheclosedthedistancebetweenus,roseonhertiptoes,andpressed

hermouthtomine.IknewIshouldstop.Knewthiswasbad.Yet…Icouldnosoonerstop
breathing.

Gripping her hips, I kissed her back, my heart thudding against my ribs. Something

broke through my subconscious—a bang, or a creak of the house—and I jerked away.
“Sarah—”

“Iknowweshouldn’t,andIknowwecan’tbetogether,butseeingyouwithmymom

like that…” She swallowed and tightened her grip on me. “I don’t care anymore. About
anyofit.Righthere,rightnow,inthedark…Ineedyou,Ben.Ihavemadeahabittonot
needanyone,toneverneedanyoneagain,butI’mtellingyou…Ineedyou.”

TWENTY-SEVEN

Sarah

ismouthcoveredmine,andhespunmesomybackpressedagainstthewall
ashehauledmeintohisarms.Iinstinctivelywrappedmybodyaroundhis,

holdingtightandrefusingtoletgo.BeingwithBenallowedmetofeelalive.Now,more
thanever,IwishIcouldgobackintime,slapmyselfacrosstheface,andmakemyselfsee
that Ben hadn’t cheated on me. If I’d never left, we could have been together all these
years,andweneverwouldhavebeenapart.

IneverwouldhavemetVinnie.Ineverwouldhavespentmonthsterrifiedofhim,and

whathe’ddotome.Ineverwouldhavelostmyself,orgivenitalltohim.Iwouldn’tfear
for my life right now. But, then again, each road we took in life led us somewhere.
Sometimes the destination was nice, sometimes it wasn’t, and in this case, I might have
gottenVinnieonthatroad…butI’dalsofoundastrengthinsidemyselfwhenIdecidedto
walkaway.

I’dgrownstronger.

That mistake, that road, had made me who I was today. Could I really regret that?

Maybe,justmaybe,ifIhadstayedhere,wewouldhavebrokenup,andwewouldn’tbe
togethernow.

Lifewascrazylikethat.

Youneverknewwhatyouweregoingtoget.

His hand slid down my hip and grabbed my butt, holding me in place as he thrust

against me. I groaned, pressing even closer to him despite the clothes in our way. His
fingersghostedovermycore,teasingme,butnotfullytouching.

HewaseverythingIeverwanted.EverythingIeverneeded—andIneededhimnow.

Noforeplay.Nogentletouches.Justhim,insideofme,makingmefeelalive.“Ben.Now.”

Nodding, he fumbled with his pants, undoing his belt. They hit the floor, as did his

boxers.Asheslidmypantiesoutoftheway,hetouchedme,spreadingthewetnessover
mycore.WhenImoaned,hediditagain,andagain,urgingmetoletgoandallowhimto
bringmetopleasure.Thefasterhisfingersmoved,themoreIwrithedagainsthimandthe
wall,graspingforsomethingIknewonlyhecouldgiveme.WhenIcame,starsburstingin
frontofmyeyes,Igasped,ridinghisthumbasIcamedownfromheaven.

“Sofuckinghot,”hegrowled.Herolledacondomonandpressedthetipofhiscock

againstme.Hismouthmeldedtomine,andhethrustinsidemewithonesmoothmotion.I
criedout,threadingmyhandsthroughhishairashewithdrew,paused,andpushedinside
me again. My stomach fisted, tightening into a ball, and I clung to him as each thrust
brought me closer to that pinnacle I had just reached moments before. When I came, he
wasrighttherewithme,moaningmynameasherestedhisforeheadagainstmine.

We stayed there like that for an unknown amount of time. Neither of us breaking

contact,orthesilence.Hewasthefirsttoshiftaway.Itwastoodarktosee,butIfelthis
eyesonme.“Youokay?”

Inodded.“Betterthanokay.Great.”

Hetouchedmycheek.“Metoo.”

Ihesitated.“But…”

“Webothknowwhatthebutis.”

Nodding,Iclosedmyeyes.“Don’tworry,wewon’ttellanyone.Noonewillknow.”

“That’llonlyworkforsolong,”hesaid,histonelow.“Youknowthat,right?”

Isuckedinabreath.“Ido.”

“Eventually,someonewillnotice.They’llseethewayIlookatyou,orhowmyeyes

alwaysfollowyouaroundaroom.Theydo,youknow.Ialwayswatchyou,evenwhenI
trynotto.”Hisknucklesbrushedmymouth.“Whenyou’renear,Ineedtolookatyou.I
can’thelpit.”

Iswallowedhard,sayingnothing.Truthis,Iwasn’tsurewhattosay.

“Sarah…?”

Iopenedmyeyes.“Yeah?”

“Whatwehavebetweenus…it’sreal.Thisisn’tjustmefuckingaround,orhavinga

fling.Forme?It’syou.It’salwaysbeenyou.”

Wewereenteringdangerousterritoryhere,butwithhimburiedinsideofme,andthe

darkness surrounding us, I couldn’t help but be honest. “It’s always been you, too, for
me.”

He let out a small laugh, and pressed his mouth to mine. I clung to him, happiness

taking over me, and for the first time since coming back…hope, too. I was hopeful that
thiscouldendhappy,thatwecouldfindawayoutofbeingpartners,andbetogether.That
aspartners,wecouldcatchVinnie,andthethreatofhimharmingmewouldbeover.

ThatI’dfinallybeabletobreatheagain.

Therewasacreakofafloorboard,awhiffofcologne,andeveryounceofthathopeI

hadwentaway.Becausethatcologne?Thatriseofgoosebumpsandfearthataccompanied
it?

Theywerealltoofamiliar,andtheybelongedtoonlyoneperson.

Vinnie.

BeforeIcouldevenopenmymouthtowarnBen,therewasasickeningcrunch,and

hisbodyfelllifelesslytothefloor.Iwentdown,too,asheunintentionallytookmedown
withhimsincewewerestillentwinedwithoneanotherintimately.

Aswehit,Ilandedonmyleftarmpainfully.Icriedout,gaspingforairbecausehis

lifelessbodyontopofminewastoomuch.Istruggledtobreathe,topushhimoffme,but
one hand wasn’t enough. I was trapped under my lover’s body, who may or may not be
dead.

Ben.

Sobbing,Itriedtolookathisface,butallIcouldseeisthetrailofbloodcomingout

ofhishair.Shuteyes,laxmouth.Strugglingtobreathe,Ifocusedonhisnostrils,looking
foranysignofmovement.

Thereitwas.Hewasbreathing.

ThankGod.

Knowinghewasalive,IsearchedtheshadowsforVinnie.Ididn’thavetosearchfar.

Heflickedthehallwaylightonandkneltbesideme,wearingallblack.Hispaleskinstood
out against the dark clothes. His glowering eyes reflected the hate in his heart. “Hello,
Sarah.”

Istillcouldn’tbreathe,soItriedtopushBenoffmeagain,butitwasuseless.Withmy

armcaughtunderme,possiblybroken,therewasnowayIwasfreeingmyself.Wasthis
howIdied,trappedunderBenwhilehelaylifelesslyontopofme?Ifso,atleastVinnie
didn’tgettotouchmeagain.

AtleastIcoulddenyhimthat.

“Letmeguess,thisisyourmother’sroom?”Hetsked,tappingsomethinghardagainst

thewood.OhGod,didhehaveagun?“Andyoufuckedsomeassholerightoutsideofit?”

“Gotohell,”Igasped.

“Isthatanywaytotalktothemanwhocouldsaveyourliferightnow?”herestedthe

tipofhisgunagainstBen’shead.“Nottomentionyourmother’s,andhis…”

“Don’t,”Igasped.

Hecockedhishead.“Whynot?Hetookwhatwasmine.”

The way he said that, all calm and almost emotionless, was what made him so

dangerous.Hewasn’tlikeacrazyguyyou’dseeinamovie,wholaughedmanicallyashe
killedpeopleforfun.No,hisinsanitywasasilentkind,thedangerouskind,andhetruly
thoughtIwasstillhis.Thatwhatwe’doncehadwasnormal.Thathewasnormal.

That’swhatmadehimsuchathreat.

Iknewhowtohandlehim.KnewwhatIneededtosaytosaveBen’slife.Seeingthe

gunpressedagainsthistempletoldmesomethingI’dalreadysensedbuthadn’tadmitted
tomyself.

IlovedBen.

Alwayshad.Alwayswould.

Icouldn’tlethimdieforme.Couldn’tlosehim.

WhileImightnotwanttoleaveherewithVinnie,ifthat’swhatIhadtodotosaveBen

andmymom,thenIwouldinasecond,withouthesitation.So,Iswallowedmyhatredand
saidwhatVinniewantedtohear.“I’msorry,babe.”

“Yeah, sure you are.” He stood, leaving me beneath Ben. The room was starting to

spinnow.“Letmeguess?Youwantmetolethimlive?”

Inodded,tryingtosayyes,butfailingbecauseIwaslosingconsciousness.

Concerncoloredhisgaze,andhekneltbesidemeagain.Effortlessly,hepushedBen

off me, scowling when he saw his state of undress, and my bunched-up skirt. I tried to
push it down with my good hand, but he caught it. “Leave it. Show me who you really
are.”

Iswallowedhard,tearsblurringmyvision.“Myarm…”

Heglancedatit,completelyunconcernedagain.“Isitbroken?”

“Idon’tknow.I…Ican’tmoveit.”

Hepursedhislips.“Servesyouright.”

His gaze went back to Ben, who was beginning to stir. His fingers twitched on the

trigger,andheaimeditathishead.Isatup,cradlingmyhurtarminfrontofme,putting
myselfbetweenBenandabullet.“No!”

Vinniescowled.“Getoutofmyway,orI’llshootyou,too.”

“Youcan’tdothat.He’sacop.”

Hehesitated.“Youclearlyhaveatype.”

“Ifyoukillhim,they’llhuntyoudown.They’llneverstop.He’sthecaptain’sson,”I

saidfrantically.

Vinnieloweredthegunslightly.“Idon’tgiveadamn.”

“But I do. If you kill him…” I struggled to my knees, right where he liked me best,

licking my dry lips. My heart ached, and I felt like I was going to vomit. The pain…
havingtodothisagain…itwastoomuch.“Ifyoukillhim,wecan’tescape.”

Thatgothisattention.“We?”

IglancedatBenonelasttime,closedmyeyes,andsaidthelastthingIwantedtosay.

“Yes. If…if you help me stand, if you let him live, then I’ll go with you. We’ll run off
togetheragain,andI’llbeyours,andnooneelsewillevertouchmeagain.Butweshould
go.Rightnow.”

Henarrowedhiseyes.“Why?”

“There’sacopoutside—”

Hescoffed.“Notawake.”

“Thenwhenhedoesn’tanswer,morewillcome.”Iswallowedpastmyachingthroat,

ignoring the tears rolling down my cheeks. “If we don’t go soon, then we won’t escape
beforetheycomeforyou.”

Hedidn’tevenquestionthefactthatIwantedtoleavewithhim.Justaccepteditfor

whatitwas.“You’llpayforwhatyou’vedone,”hepromised.

Inodded,trembling.“Iknow.”

After what felt like a lifetime of hesitation, he lowered the gun, finally taking it off

Ben.Instead,hefocuseditonmychest,aimingformyheart.Hehadabetterchanceof
hittingitwhenhe’dhelditonBen.“Standup.”

Silently,Istruggledtomyfeet,stumblingabitwhenIstraightenedbecauseIhadone

heelon,andoneheeloff.AsIbenttoputtheotheron,Vinniecaughtmyhairandforced
mebackup.Igasped,tearsburninginmyeyes.“Leaveitoff.Youdon’tgettoweartwo
shoes.”

Hedraggedmealongbythehair,andIgotonelastlookatBenbeforeIwasoutthe

door, in his car, and we were speeding down the road. His hand was on my thigh,
dangerouslyclosetowhereBenhadtouchedmejustminutesago,andhegrippedmeso
tight I knew I would bruise come morning. As I sat there, staring numbly out the
windshield,Iknewonethingwithoutasingledoubt.

IfIwasgoingtodietonight,IwasgoingtobringVinniedownwithme.

TWENTY-EIGHT

“W

Ben

hatthehell?”Imuttered.

I opened my eyes, squinting against the pain. Why was I on the floor in a hallway,

alonewithmypantstwistedaroundmythighs?Isatupslowly,blinkingasItriedtoclear
my head. It took me a few seconds of surveying to figure shit out. Sarah’s hallway.
Makingloveagainstthewall.Hersoftkisses.

Andthen…pain.

“Shit.” I scrambled to my feet despite the darkness threatening to overcome me.

“Sarah!”

Noanswer.

Ofcourse,therewasnofuckinganswer.

Ifsomeoneknockedmeout,therewasonelogicalpersonwhowouldhavedonethat,

andifhe’dcomehere,shewouldbewithhim.IknewSarah,andVinniehadmorethan
likelythreatenedmylife,andhermother’s,ifshedidn’tcooperate.

Hermother.

IstruggledtokeepconsciousnessasIopenedhermother’sbedroomdoor,makingsure

shewasunharmed.OnceIensuredshewas…Iwasgoingtofindthem,andIwasgoingto
killhim.Irefusedtoevenentertainanyotheroutcome.Knowingthatshewasalonewith
thatabusiveasshole—no,Irefusedtogodownthatroad.I’dfindthem.I’dsaveher.

I’dkillhim.

Her mother was in bed, still tucked in and sound asleep. Creeping out, I closed the

doorquietlyandrealizedI’dneverpulledmypantsup.AsIyankedthemup,Iliftedmy
head—and locked eyes with my father. He stared at me, pale, and I froze, because he’d
caughtmeinSarah’shousewithmypantsaroundmyanklesandmydickhangingout.

Iswallowed,ignoringthegiantelephantintheroom.“Hetookher.”

“Ifigured.”Dadnodded,loweringhisgun.“Areyouokay?”

“Yeah.”Isecuredthebuttonofmypants,andletgoofmybelt,leavingitundone.“He

hitmefrombehindwhileIwasdistracted.”

Heflexedhisjaw.“Obviously.”

“Dad—”

“Nothere.”Heleaneddownandpushedthebuttononhisradio.“Theperptookher.

Get a bolo out on a late model red Jaguar. Bollins said that’s what the suspect was
driving.”

Afterhefinished,Ileanedagainstthewall,catchingmyequilibrium.Theworldwas

stillspinning.Iprobablyhadaconcussion.Ididn’tcare.“Isheokay?”

“Yes. From what we can tell, he knocked Bollins out, and disabled the radio so he

couldn’tcallforhelp.Thencameinhere.”Hesquaredhisjaw.“Toyoutwo.”

Isaidnothing.

“Maybeifyouweredoingyourjob—”

Thatbrokemysilence.“Iwasdoingmyjob.”

“Bullshit!”heroared,turningredintheface.

Again,Isaidnothing.

“Makesuresomeonestayswithhermother.Ihavetogo.”

“You’renotgoinganywhere,”heshoutedatme.

Iblinked.I’dneverseenhimsoangry.

“Youbroketherules,Detective.”

Shakingmyhead,Isimplysaid,“Iknow.”

“Therewillbeconsequences,”hesnarled.

“I’mtheonewhoinitiatedthis.It’sonme,nother.”

Dadscoffed.“Thereyougo,protectingher,throwingyourselfunderthebusforagirl

whodoesn’tdeserveit.”

Iflexedmyjaw.We’dshiftedfromourjobs,andintothepersonalsidesofourlives.

“That’snotfair,Dad.”

“Shebrokeyourheartonce,she’lldoitagain.”

Igrittedmyteeth.“Wewerekidsbackthen.We’renotthesamepeople.”

“Yes,youare.”

Fistingmyhands,Ilookedathim.“Iloveher.”

Hemadeanangrysound.“Yourconfusingoldfeelingswiththeconnectiononegets

withtheirpartner—”

“No,I’mnot.”Ilockedeyeswithhim.“Iloveher.I’vealwayslovedher.Ialwayswill

loveher.Evenifshenevercameback,I’dstillloveher.Nothingwillstopme.Nothing.”

Westaredatoneanother,neitherofustalking.

Hischestroseandfell,andIsensedhewassecondsfromimploding.Lasttimehewas

thisangrywaswhenI’dbeentenandI’dclimbedtothetopofabuildingandperchedon

theedgeoftheroofbecausesomekiddaredmeto.He’dgroundedmeforayearthattime.
Ihadafeelingthepunishmentwouldbemuchworsethistimearound.

“Dad…”Istarted.

“Don’t.”Medicscamein,andtheyheadedtowardme.Dadtookadeepbreath,turning

hisbackonme.“Takehiminandcheckhim.Clearly,he’sbeenhittoohard.”

“No.”

Hespunonme.“Excuseme?”

“Isaid…”Ipushedoffthewallandforcedmyselftostandstill.“No.I’mnotgoingin.

I’mgoingafterSarah.”

“YouarenotgoingafterSarah.Youaregoingtothehospital.”Hewalkedrightupto

me,facetoface,eitherignoringthefactthatIwastallerthanhimbytwoinches,ornot
givingadamn.“That’sanorder,Detective.”

Ineverdisobeyedanorder.Neverdisrespectedauthority.Neverchallengedmyfather

intheoffice.Butthistime…thistimewasdifferent.Sarahwasindanger,andnothing—
motherfuckingnothing—wouldstopmefromfindingher.I’dsworntokeephersafe,andI
wouldn’tbebreakingmypromisetoherforasecondtime.“Iamgoingafterher.”

Withthat,Istartedforthedoor.

“Ifyouwalkoutthatdoor,you’resuspendedfromactiveduty,”hecalledout,histone

final.

Freezing,Iflexedmyjaw.Withouthesitation,Iremovedmybadgeandgun,leaving

thembesidethetableatthedoor.“Thenconsidermesuspended.”

As I walked outside, I heard him let loose a string of curses, but I didn’t hesitate. I

headedtowardmycar,blinkingawaythefogginess.Ihadnoideawheretostartlooking
forher,butI’dbedamnedifIwasgoingtositaroundanddonothingwhenshewasout
therealone.Thiswasonme.IfIhadn’tbeendistractedwhilemakinglovetoher,Icould
havekepthersafe.

Ishouldhavekepthersafe.

Leaning against my car, I pulled up our messages and checked her location. We’d

decided to share our locations with one another in case something like this happened. It
tookforevertoload,andIshookitangrily.“Comeon.”Itloaded,andthelocationshown
was…

Herfuckinghouse.

“Sonofabitch,”Isnarled,throwingthephoneinsidemycar.

Restingmyhandsontheroof,Ibreathedheavily,theworldstillspinningaroundme.

Acarpulledupbehindmeandstopped.

Awindowrolleddown,andHernandezcalledout,“Getin.”

“I’mnotgoingtothehospital—”Istarted.

“Dude.Iknow.”Herevvedhisengine.“Ihaveatiponherlocation.Iheardyourdad

ontheradio.”

“Where?”Iasked,spinningonhim.

Heswallowed.“Getin.”

“I’mgoingalone.”

Helaughed.Hard.Short.“No,you’renot.”

“Look, man, I’m suspended for disobeying orders. If you go with me, you’ll get in

trouble—”

“As if I give a damn about any of that,” he snarled, angry. “I’m your best friend,

asshole.You’realwaysthereforme,nomattertheconsequences,andI’malwaystherefor
you.Hehityou,andyou’reprobablyconcussed,plusyoudon’thaveaweapon.Youneed
help,andI’myourhelp.Getinthefuckingcar.”

Hewasright,aboutallofit.So,Igotin,closingthedoorbehindme.Hespedaway

fromthecurb,cuttingoffatruck.“WordistheywerespottedatareststopoffI-5.It’sa
halfhourfromhere,andthetipjustcamein.”

I leaned against the seat, touching my head gingerly. It hurt like a bitch. “That’s too

muchtime.Iwasouttoolong.We’llnevercatchup.”

“We’ve got a full tank of gas and the police on our side. They’ll be taking it slow,

tryingtostayundertheradar,butwecangoasfastaswewant.”Asifprovinghispoint,
heturnedontotheonrampandsteppedonthegas.“We’llgether.”

Isaidnothing.Ishouldbewithherrightnow.

“Thisisn’tyourfault,”Hernandezsaid,readingmymindlikeusual.

“Yes,itis.”

Heshookhishead.“No—”

“Whenhetookmedown,Iwasinsideher,tellingherIwasseriousaboutus,kissing

herlikeanidiot.Iwasn’twatchingherback,ormine,andIwasn’tdoingmyfuckingjob.”
I swallowed hard. “So, yes, this is my fault. If I’d kept my pants on, and my head on
straight,thiswouldn’thavehappened.Iwouldhaveseenhimcomingfromamileaway.”

Hernandezstaredstraightahead,cuttingbetweentwocarstogettothecarpoollane.

“Youguysfucked?”

“Yes,wefucked.”Iclosedmyeyes.“Severaltimes.Morethanthat,Dadknows,andI

mayhavecostusbothourjobs.”

Hewhistledthroughhisteeth.“Shit.”

“Yeah.Shit.”

Afteramomentofsilence,Hernandezsaid,“Why’dyouriskit?”

“BecauseIloveher,”Isaidhonestly.“Ineverstopped,buthavingherbackhere,with

me,onlycementeditinmybrain.Iloveher,andifIdon’tfindher…”

“Wewill.”Hernandezside-eyedme.“We’llfindher.Nooneknowsyou’rewithme,

soI’llgettheintel.”

Iswallowed.Theworldwasstartingtoclearabit.“Idon’twantyoutogetintrouble

forhelpingme.Whenwegetthere,youcandropmeoffand—”

“Idon’tgiveadamnifIdo,andI’minsultedthatyouthinkIwouldleaveyouonyour

own,withoutbackup.Wemightnotbepartnersanymore,butthatdoesn’tchangethatfact
thatwe’repartnersineveryothersenseoftheword.Iftheroleswerereversed,andIwas
goingafterthewomanIloved,you’dberighttherewithme.”

Hewasright.Iwould.“Doyouhaveanothergun?”

“Glovebox.”

Ipulleditout,checkingthechamberandthemag.Fullyloadedandclear.Isetiton

mylap,staringoutsideaswespedpastmovingvehiclessofastitlookedliketheywere
parked. We had to find her, as soon as possible. There was no other choice. No other
option.Ifsomethingbadhappenedtoher,ifhehurtonehaironherhead,thatwasonme.
Itwouldbemyfault.

Howcouldsheeverforgivemeforfailingher?

Hernandez’s phone rang, and he hit the button on his steering wheel. “Officer

Hernandez.” Silence, and then: “I’m approximately fifteen minutes from there, sir.” A
headnod.“Yes,sir.”

Hehungup,andIasked:“Whatdidhesay?”

“They’re at a motel frequented by hookers and drug dealers. Maybe he’s getting his

fix?Orhewantedaplacehecouldpaycashwithoutquestionsorrecords?”

“Orhecouldn’twaittogethishandsonher,andhe’sthrowinglogictothewind.”

“Don’t think like that, man,” Hernandez said, flexing his jaw. “He’s probably just

comingupwithaplan.Maybehe’stryingtosellhiscarortradeitforadifferentone.He’s
gottaknowwe’relookingforhim.”

Isaidnothing.

“I’vebeenorderedtoscopeitout,andthenstanddowntowaitforbackup.”

Iletoutahardlaugh.“I’mnotwaitingforbackup.”

“Ifigured.”Hernandeztightenedhisgriponthewheel.“Youloveher?Like,loveher,

loveher?”

Inodded.

Heletoutasigh.“Well,then,let’sgetthissonofabitch,andputanendtoallthisshit

forthelasttime.”

Icouldn’tagreemore.

TWENTY-NINE

Sarah

inniewascrazy.

Onehundredpercentcertifiablycrazy.

Sometimebetweenmeleavinghim,andhimfindingme,he’dlostit.Hehadthiscrazy

coldlookinhiseyesthatsentchillsupmyspine.Itwasalmostasiflosingmehadpushed
him over the edge—not because he loved me or anything like that…but because he’d
neverlostbefore.

GuyslikeVinniedidn’tknowhowtolose.

Wesatinadarkmotelroom,withnolightsorTVon.Tobehonest,Ipreferreditthat

way,becauseifIcouldseetheconditionofthebedhe’dtiedmeupon,IthinkI’drather
heshootmenowandgetitoverwith.Thiswasthetypeofestablishmentthatchargedby
thehalfhour,andIhadnodoubtifasked,they’dbealltooreadytocleanupanunwanted
deadbodyortwo…

Foraprice,ofcourse.

Vinniehadn’tspokenawordtomesincewe’dgottenhere.Thatwasn’tunusual.When

hewasangrywithme,hegavemethesilenttreatmentasapunishment.Thatdidn’tbother
me. But what came next…yeah, that hurt. After he tired of ignoring me, the real
punishmentwouldbegin.

Whenhestartedtalkingtome,I’dbeintrouble.

“Idon’tcare,man.Justsomethingthatisn’ttheoneIhave.”Hepacedbackandforth,

hisburnerphoneonhisear.“I’dthinkaJaguarcouldgetmesomethingnicerthanaJetta,
though.”

Clearly,then,hecared.

“Yeah,allright.Ineeditnow.”

Guesstheysettledonasuitabletrade.Itwassmartofhimtochangecars,butitwould

have been even smarter of him to put more distance between himself and Ben. He was
countingonthemassuminghe’ddoexactlythat,butthethingis,hedidn’tknowBen.Ben
never assumed anything, and it was my hope that he continued that trend tonight, and
foundusbeforeitwastoolate.

I’dliketosayIcouldbemyownhero,andsavetheday,butwithmyhandsandfeet

tiedsotightthatIhadlongagolostfeelinginthem…

Therewasn’tmuchhopeofthathappeninganytimesoon.

And my arm—my possibly broken one—was like an anchor weighing me down. At

leastwithoutcirculationinit,thethrobbinghadceased.Iwiggledalittlebit,tryingtofree
myfeet,butitwasuseless.

Vinnieknewhowtotieagirldown.

“Yeah,okay.Ifyoushaveahalfhouroffthatestimate,I’llthrowinsomecash.”

He hung up, and I stiffened. If his attention was off his car issue, there would be

nothingstoppingitfromswingingbacktowardme.Hewalkedtothewindow,pullingthe
curtainbackandpeeringout.Ashestoodthere,silhouettedinthemoonlight,itwashard
tobelievethatthemanI’donceloved,theonewhohadmademelaughsohardI’dalmost
peedmyselfonce,hadturnedintothismonsterwhothoughtnothingofbeatingmewithin
aninchofmylife,andlayingclaimonme.

HowcouldIhavethoughtIlovedhim?

Whathappenedtomakehimbecomesocold?

He dropped the curtain, eliminating any hint of light. Though I couldn’t see him, I

couldfeelhiseyesonme.Myheartpickedupspeed,andIwriggledmyfeetmore.Again,
the ties didn’t budge. He was going to come for me while he had me trapped like a
helplessanimalinasnare.

Ihatedthis.

The feeling of absolute powerlessness that he always brought out in me. It was a

feeling I’d lost when I stood up to him and reported his abuse to the police, but
unfortunatelythatfeelinghadn’tlastedlongenoughbecausetheyhadn’tpunishedhimfor
whathe’ddone.

“Sarah…”hesaid,histonequietandslow,likehehadallthetimeintheworldwhen

webothknewhedidn’t.“Whydidyoudoit?”

Iswallowed,notsurewhatithewasspeakingof.

Turninghimin?Leavinghim?SleepingwithBen?

Backinthehouse,I’dhadtobecomplacenttosaveBenandmymother,butnowthat

wewerealone,andIwasonlyfightingformylife,itwasalothardertoplaytherolehe
expected.

“Sarah.”

“How did you get my number?” I asked, my throat swelling with an unnamed

emotion.

Helaughed.“Iknowpeople.”

“Andmycode?”Ilickedmylips.“Mysecuritysystem?”

“Islippedinwhenyournurseleftthedooropentotakethetrashout.”Hesighed.“She

shouldreallybemorecareful.”

Iclosedmyeyes.

“Yourturntoanswerquestions.”Headvancedonme.“Whydidyoudoit?”

“Why are you wasting time?” I asked, my voice hollow. “You promised me months

agothatthenexttimeyousawmewouldbethelast,sowhatareyouwaitingfor?”

“Stopstalling,andanswermyquestion.”

Istilldidn’thaveananswer.“Idon’tknow.”

“Notgoodenough.”Hisvoicewasevenclosernow.“Tryagain.”

Ilickedmylips.Theyweresodryithurt.“Gotohell—”

He backhanded me. I hadn’t even seen it coming, which only made it hurt worse

becauseIhadn’thadtimetobracemyselffortheimpact.Starsswaminthedarkness,and
Igaspedforair.Hedidn’tusuallystartoutwithhitstotheface.Hesavedthoseforlast.
ThismorevolatileversionofVinniewasunknowntome.Itwasn’tagoodfeeling.“Isaid,
tryagain.”

Ibitmytonguetokeepfromcryingout.He’dlikethattoomuch.“I’msorry.”

“Better.” He sat beside me and touched my cheek with the backs of his knuckles,

tracingthepointofimpactasifhewasproudofhiswork.“Keepgoing.”

“I’msorrythatIforgot—”

Heranhisfingerupmyleg,slidingbetweenmythighs.“Youforgotwhat?Thatyou

weremine?Thatyoubelongedtome,nomatterwhereyouranorwhoyoufucked?”He
slid his hand out of my skirt. “I can still smell him on you. I should have shot him for
touchingmyproperty.”

Something inside me snapped, and all those good intentions of trying to keep him

calm,tobuymyselfsometimesothecopscouldfindus,flewoutthewindow.Yearsof
suppressionandpaincamefloodingback,andIrefusedtodoit.Refusedtocowertohim
likenothinghadchanged.Ithad.Ihad.Iwasn’tthesamegirlheusedtoterrify.Morethan
that?

Ididn’twanttobe.

He was either going to kill me, or he wasn’t, but I’d be damned if I died under his

terms.IfIwasgoingtodie,thenIwantedhimtoknowhehadn’twon.Hedidn’tscareme.

Notanymore.

“No,I’msorrythatIforgothowmuchofascaredlittlepussyyouwere,”Isaid,slowly

andclearly.

“I’mnotscared,”hesaidimmediately.“Orapussy.”

IshruggedasbestasIcouldwhiletiedup.“Ifyousayso.”

Hecaughtmychin,squeezinghard.“Admitit.Admityou’remine,andwecanmove

onfromthisafteryourpunishment.I’llevenletyoulive.”

“I’mnotyours,”Isaiddefiantly,spittinginhisface.

Helaughed.Justlaughed.Hedidn’tevenbothertowipethespitoff.“Oh,Sarah…”

“Justdoit.Killme,”Idemanded.

“IfIkillyou,I’lldoitonmyowntime.”Hecrawledontopofme,straddlingme,and

therewasnothingIcoulddotostophim.Notwithmyhandsandlegstied.Heskimmed
hishanddownmyneck,andovermybreast.“Beforethat,though,youneedareminderof
justhowmineyouare.Itappearsyou’veforgottenhowthisworksbetweenus.Iownyou.
Youbowtome.”

“No.”

Hestiffened.“Don’ttellmeno.YouknowIdon’tlikeit.”

“Fuckyou,”Isaid,breathingheavily.

Hefroze.“Excuseme?”

“Isaid,”Iliftedmyhead,eventhoughhecouldn’tseeme,andgloweredathim.“Fuck

you,asshole.”

He grabbed my hair, wrapping it around his fist. “You’ve gotten mouthy since I lost

you.”

“I’vegottenlotsofthings.Thingsyoucouldnevergiveme.”

He yanked so hard my eyes watered, and I literally felt the strands snap out of my

scalp.“Shutup.”

“What’swrong?”Igasped,laughing.“Don’tlikethetruth?Can’thandleit?”

“You’retheonewhocan’thandlethetruth.”

I laughed again, and it sounded maniacal. Not too surprising, considering the

circumstances.“Oh,Iknowthetruth.You’reascaredlittleboywhocan’tkeepagirlat
hissidewithouthurtingher.Itworkedforyouinthepast.Youterrifiedgirlsintostaying
untilyoutiredofthem,andtoldthemtheyweren’tgoodenoughanymore.ButI’mthegirl
wholeftbeforeyoufinishedwithher.I’mtheoneyoucouldn’tkeep,andI’veneverbeen
happierthanI’vebeensinceleavingyou,withBenatmyside.Hedoesn’thavetohitme
togetmetostay.”

Hesaidnothing.IthinkI’dstunnedhim.

Afterall,Ididn’tusuallytalkback.

Icontinuedinarush,takingadvantageofhisshockbeforehestartedhittingme.“You

know, it’s funny. When you walked in on us, I was about to tell him I loved him. I’ve
alwayslovedhim.EvenwhenIwaswithyou,Ilovedhim.IneverlovedyoulikeIloved
him—”

Heclosedhishandsaroundmythroatandsqueezed,cuttingoffmywords.“Shutup!”

I’ddoneit.I’dmadehimlosehiscool.

He never did that when he was “punishing” me, so I guess it was a victory in my

column.Ilaughed,butnosoundcameout,becausehewasliterallycuttingoffmyoxygen.
Lasttimehe’ddonethis,healmostkilledme.Thistime,hejustmightsucceed.Atleast

mywordswouldechoinhisheadfortherestofhislife,andhe’dknowhefailedtoown
melikehewanted.Thatfailurewouldhaunthiminhisjailcell.

“You’remine,”hespat,hissalivasprayingmyface.

Ben’sfaceflashedbeforeme,andIknewwithoutadoubtthatifIwassadoflosing

anythinginthisfight,itwashim.I’dlosthimallthoseyearsago,andnowwewouldn’t
getachancetodoitrightthistime.Ithoughtaboutmymother,andwhatwouldhappento
her,butBenwouldtakecareofher,andsowouldhisfather.Hemighthateme,butheand
mymotherhadalwaysbeenclose.They’dseetohercare.Ihadtobelievethat.

I only wished that Ben and I had more time together. That I could have told him I

lovedhim,andthatI’dalwayslovedhim.

Iwished…Iwishedsomuch.

Iloveyou,Ben.

Vinniesqueezedevenharder.“You’vealwaysbeenmine.You’llalwaysbemine.”

Ishookmyhead,defyinghimevenwhenIstartedtofadeintoblessedblackness.

The world faded away, and I stopped fighting unconsciousness. I tried to be happy

withthesmallvictoryI’dclaimed.TriedtotellmyselfI’dwon,eventhoughIwasabout
todie.Iwasn’this.Iwasn’tanyone’sbutmyown—andifIwasgoingtohavetogo,at
leastIwentoutfightinghimtheonlywayIcould.Withmywords.TheywereallIhad
left…

Though,he’devenmanagedtotakethosefrommeintheend.

THIRTY

Ben

gesturedtoHernandezwithmylefthand,noddingmyheadtowardtheclosed
door in front of me. We’d crept up on it as quickly as we dared, and so far,
there seemed to be no sign of detection, but we couldn’t afford to act too

quicklyandmakemistakes.

Toomuchwasontheline.

He nodded back, adjusting his grip on his pistol. I did the same, took a deep breath,

andquietlycheckedtheknob.Itwas,ofcourse,locked.

Ibackedup,Glockpointedatthedoor,andnoddedatHernandezagain.Heholstered

hisgun,pickeduphisbatteringram,andpositionedhimselfatthedoor.Heartpounding,I
took my spot to the right of him, ready to breach the doorway as soon as the coast was
clear.

Hernandezmouthed:Three,two,one—bam.

WhatIsawwhenthatdooropenedwassomethingthatwouldhauntmefortherestof

my goddamned life. Vinnie had bound Sarah to the bed, and he was on top of her,
straddlingher,squeezingthelifeoutofheraswewatched.Rage,purefuckingrage,took
overme,andalmostmademeforgetyearsofpolicetrainingandprotocol.

But if I lost sight of the rules, if I broke them, that made me no better than him. I

pointed my gun at him, locking eyes with the man who was trying to kill the woman I
loved.Shewasn’tmovingbeneathhimandallIcouldthinkwasI’mtoolate.“Getoffher,
rightnow.”

Hedidn’tmove.

Iscannedtheroomforaweapon,anyfuckingexcusetotakehimout,butheappeared

tobeunarmed.Slowly,heturnedhisheadtowardme,angerburninginhiseyesandhis
musclesbulgingwithpentuprage.“Ishouldhavekilledyou.”

“Yeah, you should have.” I kept my eyes on him, not letting myself worry about

whetherSarahwasconscious.Oneslipup,onemistake,andwecouldlosethechancewe
hadatsavingher.“Getoffher,andkeepyourhandswhereIcanseethem.”

Hishandsdidn’tleaveherneck.“No.”

Myfingertwitchedonthetrigger.

“I’dlistentohimifIwereyou,”Hernandezwarnedfrombehindme.

Helaughed.Hesoundedcrazy.“Whybother?Webothknowyou’regoingtohaveto

shootme.Ifyouputmebehindbars,I’llbeoutinhours,justlikethelasttime.”

Myfingertwitchedagain.“Get.Off.Her.”

“Whybother?”Heletgoofherthroatandcaressedhercheekashestareddownather,

ignoringthegunspointedathim.“Shewouldn’tadmitshewasmine,soIremindedher.”

“She’snotyours,”Igrowled.

“Yeah, well, she’s not yours anymore, either.” He cocked his head. “She’s not

anyone’s,becauseshe’sdead.Ikeptmypromisetoher.”

Ragecoloredmyvisionred,andIroaredasIthrewmyselfathim.Hernandezcursed

behindme,andIhitthefuckerfullforce.Wehittheground,andstruggledfordominance.
As we rolled on the ground, Hernandez crept closer, his gun aimed at us as he watched
withafurrowedbrow.Itriedtokeephimdownsohecouldgetaclearshot,butVinnie
was bigger than me, and he fought with a madness that outweighed my own. In our
scuffle,hegottohisfeet,kickedmeintheribs,andItriedtogettomyownbeforehegot
toHernandez,too.

Ialmostdidn’tseeituntiltoolate.

Vinniefoundagunandaimeditatme.

Irolledtotheleftashesqueezedthetrigger.Theboomechoedinthesmallroom,as

did the answering one from Hernandez’s gun. I froze, breathing heavily, and slowly
lookedatVinnie.Hestillstood,despitethesprayofbloodbehindhisheadonthewall.He
openedhismouth,bloodspurtingout,andthenhehitthefloor.

Iwastednotime.Lurchingtomyfeet,IrushedtowardSarahasHernandezadvanced

onVinnietoinsurethethreathadbeenneutralized.Sirenssoundedinthebackground.

Ourbackupwashere.

Toolittle,toolate.

Crawling onto the bed, I reached for her, my hands trembling. I hesitated before

touchingher.Shelookedso…so…lifeless.“Sarah.”

Herskinwaspale,alreadybruisingaroundhereye.Herlipwasbloodyandsplit.Her

eyeswereshut,hermouthparted,andsheheldadeathlystillnesstoherthatstruckmeto
myverysoul.Itouchedherskin,terrifieditwouldfeelcoldtothetouch,butitretaineda
warmththatspurredmeintoaction.Itouchedherthroat,searchingforapulse.

Nothing.

“No,Sar,no.”Icradledherface,tearsblurringmyvisionaspaintwistedinmychest

so sharp that for a second I thought I had been hit by that bullet after all. “I love you,
Sarah.Don’tleaveme.Ican’tloseyouagain.”

“Ben…”Hernandezsaid,hisvoicecracking.

All these images flashed before me. Sarah the night of our senior prom, wearing a

purpledressthatmadeherlooklikeaprincess.Thetearsonherfacewhenshetoldmeshe
was leaving for college, and that we weren’t together anymore. The way she’d stared at
mewhenshecamebacktotownandfoundoutwe’dbeenassignedaspartners.Herface
afterIkissedher.ThetearsonhercheeksasIsangtohermother.Allofitwasthere,for
metosee.

Shecouldn’tbegone.

Couldn’tbedead.

NotmySarah.

Wehadtoomuchtodotogether,herandI.Hell,Ihadn’tevengottentotellherIloved

her.Chokingonanunshedsob,Ipressedmymouthtohers,kissingher.

“Iloveyou,”Iwhisperedagainstherlips.

Asmymouthwasonhers,shegaspedforair,coughing.

I’dneverbeensohappytohavesomeonecoughinmyface.Ipulledback,eyeswide,

andsearchedforapulseagain.Itwasthere.Faint,butthere.Peoplerushedintotheroom,
andchaoserupted.

Ididn’tpayitanymind.

MyeyeswereonthewomanIloved.“Sarah?Canyouhearme?”

Her lashes fluttered open, and she stared up at me. After a moment of silence, she

openedhermouth,tryingtospeak,butnothingcameout.

“Shh.”Icuppedhercheeks.“It’sokay.He’sgone.He’llneverhurtyouagain,Iswear

it.”

“Let’suntieher,”someonesaidfrombehindme.Ittookmeasecondtorealizewhoit

was. My father. We were out of our jurisdiction, so I hadn’t expected him to come
personally.“I’llgetherlegs.”

Inoddedandclimbedoffher.Gently,werolledhertohersideasthelightsflickedon.

She blinked and moaned, squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of light. As I
reached for her ties, I noticed the misshapen bend to her arm. The bruising and slight
bulgehintedatabreak.

My throat ached, but I swallowed past the pain. “Careful. Her arm’s broken—

somethingmightbeinjuredonherleg,too.”

Dad hesitated, then touched her legs, searching for any signs of further injury. “I…I

don’tthinkso.”Helockedeyeswithme.“Ben…”

Ifocusedonherwrists,undoingtheknots.

Myhandsshooktoomuchtogripthem,soittookmelongerthanitshouldhave,butI

finallysucceeded.Shegaspedforairasshescannedtheroom.AshergazefellonVinnie’s
lifeless body, she started trembling. I quickly undid her wrists the rest of the way, and
lookedatthedoor.

Paramedicsapproached.

“They’realmosthere.They’llhelpyoufeelbetter.”

Shebreathedheavily,tryingtospeakagain.Nothingcameout.Ileanedcloser,sensing

shehadsomethingshehadtosay.“What?”

Her mouth moved, but nothing came out. I locked eyes with her, my chest tight and

my throat even tighter. Jesus, she couldn’t even speak. I almost wished the guy on the
floorwasn’tdeadsoIcouldkillhimagain.

Andagain.Andagain.

“Ben?”Hernandezsaid.

Iblinked.“Yeah?”

“Timetogetcheckedoutforthatconcussion.”

I shook my head, closing my hand on Sarah’s. The one not currently attached to a

possiblybrokenarm.Iwasn’tsurewhoheldontowhomoretightly—herorme.“No.I’m
notleavingher.”

“Youdon’thaveto.Youcangointogether.”

Dadclearedhisthroat,thengesturedtotheclosestparamedic.“Canyoupleaseensure

theyrideinthesameambulance?”

“There’sonlyonegurney.”

“Icanridesittingup.”Ilookedattheman.“I’mnotleavingher.”

“She’shispartner,”Hernandezsaid.“Comeon.”

Theparamedichesitated,thensaid,“Fine.Butifyoupassout,it’sonyou.”

Sheclungtome,worryinhereyes.“I’mfine.They’rejustworryingneedlesslyabout

me.Youknowhowhardmyheadis.”

Shetriedtospeakandfailed…again.

“Shh.I’mhere.”Ileaneddownandkissedherforehead,eventhoughtheroomspun

whenIdidso.

“Your mom is okay,” Dad added. “I left men in charge of her. She’s sleeping,

peacefullyunawareofwhathappened.”

Sarahsaggedagainstthebed,closinghereyes,tearstricklingdownherface.

Iwipedthemaway.

“Sir,weneedtogetin.”

Inoddedandletgoofher.Myhandimmediatelyfeltthelossofherskinonmine.I

watched them work over her, talking amongst themselves as they loaded her up on a
gurney.Behindus,acopcoveredVinnie’sbodywithatarp,butnotbeforeIcaughtSarah
staringatit.

Theywheeledherout,andIstartedtofollow.Dadcaughtmyarm.“Son?”

Istiffened.“IknowIdisobeyedorders,butIdon’tgiveadamn.Firemeifyoumust,

butdon’tpunishHernandez.Hehadnothingtodowithit.”

As if he sensed my words, Hernandez glanced over his shoulder at me from outside

theroom.Hewasbriefingtheothersonwhatwentdown,morethanlikely.

“Iwasn’tgoingtochastiseyou,”hesaidquietly.“Iwasgoingtotellyoutotakethe

weekofftocareforyourpartner.”

Istaredathim.“Shewon’tbemypartnermuchlonger.Ihavenointentionoflosing

heragain.Notafterthis.Neveragain.”

Myfathernodded,loweringhishead.“Iknow.Youguysarebeingreassignedpartners

becauseIchosetodoso,notbecauseofanywrongdoing.Therewillbenorepercussions
foryou,orher.Ithinkweallsufferedenoughtonight.”

“Dad…”

“It’sdone.”Heshovedhishandsinhispockets.“Gotakecareofyourpartner.That’s

anorder.”

Inodded,sayingnothingelse.

Truthbetold,Iwasn’tsureifIcould.

THIRTY-ONE

Sarah

openedmyeyesslowly,blinkingagainstthebrightlightsoverhead.Myhead
throbbed, and my arm felt torn in two. My eye swelled shut, and my throat
burned.Iswallowedcautiously,wincingwhenithurtevenmorethanmyarm.

Awhimperescapedme.

Therewasimmediatemovementbesideme.“I’mhere,”Bensaid,hisvoicedeepwith

exhaustion.“I’mrighthere,Sar.”

Hishandtouchedmine,andIturnedtowardhim,myeyesburningwithunshedtears.

Hestaredatme,hisfacepaleandhiseyesshadowedwithdarkness.WhenI’dwokenup
inthatmotelroomandseenhimsittingaboveme,I’dtriedtoaskhimifIwasdead.

Nothinghadcameout.

Now,herewewere,hourslaterinahospitalroom,andIcouldonlyassumeIwasn’t,

indeed,dead.Benmust’vearrivedintimetosavemylife.Ilickedmylips,andhehurried
toreachfortheStyrofoamcuponmybedsidetable.

“Docsaidyoucoulddrinkifyouwant.”Hepressedthestrawtomylips.“So,drinkif

youwant.”

Itookacautioussip.Itburnedgoingdown,butitalsocooledthefire,soItookone

morebeforesaggingagainstthepillowsagain.Itriedtospeak,butonlyacroakcameout.

“Shh.Docsaidyouwon’tbeabletotalkrightaway.”Hesetthecupdownandheld

myhandagain.“Butyourvoicewillcomeback.You’llbeyellingatmeagaininnotime,
don’tworry.”

TherewassomuchIwantedtosay.

SomuchIneededtosay.

Not being able to voice those thoughts out loud was frustrating, and that familiar

feelingofhelplessnesswashedoverme.Itwasasunwantedasitwasinfuriating.

Hisfacetwistedwithworry,andhestoodup,leaningdowntokissmyhead.“Don’t

cry.He’sdead.Hernandezshothim.Hesavedusboth.Thatassholewillneverhurtyou
again.”

ThankGod.

“Dad knows we were together when it happened, but isn’t going to punish us. He’ll

reassignpartners,sure,butthenwecanbetogether,ifyouwant.Andifyoudon’twant,
that’sokay,too.”Heforcedasmile.“You’vebeenthroughalot,andyoumightwanttobe
alone.Youmightnotwanttobewithsomeonerightnow,andifthat’sthecase,thenI’ll
wait.I’llwaitforeverforyou,ifthat’swhatittakes,becausethere’snooneelseIwantto
bewithbesidesyou.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I opened my mouth to speak, but again, nothing

cameout.Ifistedmygoodhandinanger.IwantedtotellhimhowIfelt.

“Iknow.Itsucks.”Heforcedanothersmileandpushedmyhairbehindmyear.“But

youcantellmeeverythinglater.I’mnotgoinganywhere.I’llberighthere,waiting.”

Igrippedhiswristtight,nodding.

“I’msosorryIwasn’tabletostophimfromhurtingyou,andI’msosorryIwastoo

late to get him before he hurt you even more. If you can forgive me…” He trailed off,
lowering his head. “If you can forgive me, I swear I’ll make it up to you. Someway,
somehow,Iwill.”

Ishookmyhead.Hewasn’ttoblame.Thiswasn’tonhim,orme.

ItwasonVinnie.

“Butifthere’sonethingthistragedyhasshownme,it’sthatIneverwanttoloseyou

again.Whetheryou’reatmysideasmyfriend,mypartner,mylover,ormyeverything…”
He swallowed hard and studied my face. “…I never want to lose you again. I’ll take
whateveryou’rewillingtogiveme,howeveryou’rewillingtogiveit,butintheinterestof
fullhonesty,Iloveyou.I’vealwayslovedyou.I’llalwaysloveyou.Nothingyousay,do,
ordon’tdowilleverchangethat—it’sjustnotpossibletokillthekindofloveIhavefor
you.”

Tearsrolleddownmycheeks.

“Because the love I have for you, Sar?” He reached out, smiled, and smoothed his

rough,callousedhandsovermyskin.“Itdoesn’tdie,orcrackunderpressure.Itjustgrows
stronger.”

I clung to his wrist even harder, nodding because the words, no matter how much I

mightwishotherwise,wouldn’tcome.Insteadoftryingtospeak,Isettledforawhisper.

Onewayortheother,IwasgoingtosaytheonlythingIneededtorightnow.Theonly

thingthatmattered,inthefaceofallthisothercrap.Pullingback,Ilookedhimstraightin
theeyes,smileddespitemytears,andwhispered,“Iloveyou,too.”

He blinked, staring at me, and then a joyous smile broke out over his perfect,

charming,unforgettableface.“Youdo?”

Inodded,notbotheringtoattempttospeakagain.

Helaughed,cradledmyface,andkissedmegently.Ashepulledback,herestedhis

foreheadonmine,andswore,“Iwillneverloseyouagain.Isweartoyou,fromthisday
on,toalwaysbethereforyou.I’llneverfailyou,ormakeyoudoubtmeagain.Iloveyou,
Sarah.”

Nodding,Isqueezedhiswristandkissedhimagain.

I might not be able to say the pretty words back, but he knew I felt the same way. I

couldseeitinhiseyes,inhissmile,inthewayhewatchedmewiththatwarmglowthat
healwayshadwhenhestaredatmewhenhethoughtIwasn’tlooking.Thistime,Iwas
looking,buthedidn’tcare.

Therewasnothingtohideanymore.

“A

Epilogue

Ben

reyousure?”Iasked,smilingatthewomanonthebedwithme.

Shenodded,smilingback.“I’msure.She’lldefinitelywantthepurple.”

“Ithoughtshelovedpink,”Iteased,holdingupthetinybabyhatandstaringatitasif

Iwasuncertain.

Mrs.Lopezshookherheadatme,clearlydismissingmeforalostcause.“Shedoes,

buteverygirllikesalittlebitofvarietyinherlifenowandthen.”

“Truth,”Isaid,stillsmiling.Icheckedthetimeandstood,knowingIneededtogetout

inthelivingroomwithSarah,orwe’dbelateforwork.“Allright,I’llgiveittoherbefore
Igo,okay?”

Shepouted.“Doyouhavetoleave?”

“Yes,butstartanotherhat.I’llbebacklater,andit’sgettingcoldoutsideatnight.”

Shepickeduptheballofredyarn.“Allright.”

Ibent,kissedherhead,andlefttheroom,passingGraceasIwent.Wenoddedatone

another,andIcameintothelivingroom,scanningtheroomfortheloveofmylife.She
stoodthere,waitingbythedoor,twocupsofcoffeeinherhand.Herlefthandglintedin
the sunlight where the engagement ring I’d put on her finger a week ago caught the
sunlight.

Istillcouldn’tbelieveshewasgoingtobemywife.

TherewasnodoubtthatIwastheluckiestguyalive.

“Isshegood?”sheaskedsoftly.

“Yeah, she’s good.” I smiled at her and kissed her, the baby hat still in my hands.

“Howwasshewithyouthismorning?”

Wetookturnssittingwithhereverymorningwhiletheothershoweredandgotready

for work. Then, when we were both ready, we met in the living room, and Grace took
over.Onweekends,wehadlazymorningswhereIknittedandsangtohermother,andshe
joinedus,sometimessingingwithme.I’dneverbeenhappierthanI’dbeenthesepastsix
months,livingwithSarah,inloveandnotafraidtoshowit.

Everyone teased us at the precinct, and made gagging noises when we sometimes

forgotwehadanaudienceandkissed,butwedidn’tgiveadamn.

We’dlosttoomuchtimewithoneanother.

Therewouldn’tbeanothersecondwastedeveragain.

“ShelookedlikesherememberedwhoIwasforasecond…”Shestaredoffintothe

distance.“Butthenthelightinhereyeswentaway,soIguessitwasmyimagination.”

“Iwouldn’tbesosure.”Ihuggedher,despiteherfullhands.“Ithinkshegetsmoments

ofclarity,hereandthere.”

“Yeah…”Shepursedherlips.“Maybe.”

“Weshouldgetgoing.”Ifakedascowl.“Yourpartneriswaitingforyou.”

Sherolledhereyes.“Stopbeingjealous.”

“Ican’thelpit.Iwassupposedtogethim,notyou.”

Sheshrugged.“Well,he’smine,dealwithit.”

“Whatever.”Iteasedher,butIwashappyHernandezwasherpartnernow.AtleastI

didn’t have to worry about whether her new partner would have her back. Hernandez
woulddietokeephersafe.“IguessI’mokaywithMichaels.”

“He’sagoodguy.”

Hewas.Ilikedhim.Buthewasn’tSarah,orHernandez.“Iknow.”Iglanceddownat

myhand.“Oh,yeah.Wehaveanotherbabyhattodonate.Purple,thistime.”

Shestaredatit,openinghermouth,thenclosingit.

“What?What’swrong?”

“It’snothing…it’sjust…”Shelickedherlips.“Ilikepurple.”

“Iknow,”Isaid,holdingitup.“ButIthinkit’stoosmallforyou.”

“Iknow…”

“I’llmakeyouyourown.”Ikissedheragain.“Withthosefancycablesyoulike.”

“Ben…”Shesetthecoffeesdownandcaughtmyhands.“Ithinkweshouldkeepit.”

Ifrowned.“Keepit?Why?”

“Because.”Sherolledhereyesandsighed.“BecauseI’mlate,dummy.”

Istaredatherforasecond,completelyconfused.

“Jesus,Ben.”Shestompedherfootplayfully.“Sometimesyou’rereallyobtuse.”

“Butit’sonlyeightthirty—ohshit.You’relate?”

Shenodded,asmilebreakingoutonherface.“Yes.”

Ipickedherupandswungherinmyarms,kissingheraswewhirledinacircle.She

clung to me, and laughed against my mouth as I showed her just how happy that news
mademe.Wehadn’tbeentryingforababy,butwehadn’texactlybeennottrying,either.

Asherfeethitthefloor,Ihuggedhereventighter,laughing.“IsweartoGod,woman,

everytimeIthinkit’simpossibletobehappierthanIam,yougoandprovemewrong.”

“Iknow.”

Sherestedherhandsonmychest,smilingupatmewiththemostbeautifullyperfect

smileI’deverseeninmylife.Ihopedourchildgothersmile.Andherhair.Andhereyes.
Andherpassionforsuccess.Andhersenseof—

“Youdothesamethingtome,”shewhispered.

“AndI’llneverstop.”Irestedmyforeheadonhers.“Iloveyou,Sarah.”

“Iloveyou,too,”shewhisperedback.

Wekissed,anddespiteknowingshe’dprovemewrong,repeatedly,Iwentaheadand

thoughtitanyway:TherewasnowayinhellI’deverbehappierthanrighthere,rightnow.

Icouldn’twaittobewrongagain.

AbouttheAuthor

JenMcLaughlinistheNewYorkTimesandUSATODAYbestsellingauthorofsexybookswithPenguinRandomHouse.
Under her pen name, Diane Alberts, she is also a USA TODAY bestselling author of Contemporary Romance with
EntangledPublishing.HerfirstreleaseasJenMcLaughlin,OutofLine,hittheNewYorkTimes,USATODAYandWall
StreetJournallists.ShewasmentionedinForbesalongsideE.L.Jamesasoneofthebreakoutindependentauthorsto
dominatethebestsellinglists.SheisrepresentedbyLouiseFuryatTheBentAgency.

Thoughshelivesinthemountains,shereallywishesshewassurroundedbyahot,sunnybeachwithcrystal-clearwater.
ShelivesinNortheastPennsylvaniawithherfourkids,ahusband,aschnauzermutt,andfourcats.Hergoalistowrite
somanywell-craftedromancebooksthatevenanon-romancereaderwillknowhername.

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