HONOR

BlackstoneSeries

J.L.Drake

HONOR

Copyright©2015byJ.L.Drake.
Allrightsreserved.
FirstPrintEdition:January2016

LimitlessPublishing,LLC
Kailua,HI96734

www.limitlesspublishing.com

Formatting:LimitlessPublishing

ISBN-13:978-1-68058-454-7
ISBN-10:1-68058-454-5

Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,scanned,ordistributedinanyprintedorelectronicformwithout
permission.Pleasedonotparticipateinorencouragepiracyofcopyrightedmaterialsinviolationofthe
author’srights.Thankyouforrespectingthehardworkofthisauthor.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’s
imaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetolocales,events,businessestablishments,or
actualpersons—livingordead—isentirelycoincidental.

DEDICATION

Dedicatedtomystreetteam,“TheBlackstoneGirls,”whohavefalleninlovewithMarkandhavestood

patientlybymysidewhileIhibernatedinmycavetofinishhisstory.Ithankyou.

TABLEOFCONTENTS

PROLOGUE

CHAPTERONE

CHAPTERTWO

CHAPTERTHREE

CHAPTERFOUR

CHAPTERFIVE

CHAPTERSIX

CHAPTERSEVEN

CHAPTEREIGHT

CHAPTERNINE

CHAPTERTEN

CHAPTERELEVEN

CHAPTERTWELVE

CASTOFCHARACTERS

Savannah: Held in Tijuana, Mexico for seven months. Saved by Blackstone, fell in love with Cole

Logan.NowlivesatShadows.

Cole: Owner of the safe house in Montana called Shadows. Fell in love with a picture of a victim.

Found,saved,andmarriedher.LeaderoftheBlackstonespecialopsteam.

Olivia:SavannahandCole’sdaughter.

Mark:BestfriendtoColeLogan,Blackstonemember.Useshumortoescapethepainfromhispast.

Keith:NewestmemberofBlackstone.Savannah’s“bigbrother.”

Paul:Blackstonemember.

John:Blackstonemember.

Abigail: Mark’s adopted mother, Cole’s childhood nanny, and now house aide. Dating the house

doctor.

DoctorRoberts:Housedoctor,kindsoul,andinlovewithAbigail.

June:Abigail’syoungersister.

Mike:AgentatShadows.Scary-lookingteddybear,coveredheadtotoeintattoos.

Dell:AgentatShadows.

Davie:AgentatShadows.

Molly: Nurse at North Dakota Hospital. Signed NDA to work with the Blackstone men when they

comein.

Mia:NurseatNorthDakotaHospital.

Scoot:Moodyhousecat.Hasnoshame.

PROLOGUE

MarkLopez,7YearsOld

Herbodylaysprawledintheusualspot,sunkintothedirtyyellowcouchthatsmelledofpee.Her

dress was covered in vomit, and her breaths were shallow. Most kids would have been scared to see
theirmotherlikethat,butnotme.Ireallypreferreditthisway;Icouldn’thearherscream,couldn’t
feel her hateful stare, and most of all, I couldn’t feel her fists when they landed on my slight, bony
frame.

Mybellyhurt,though.Italwaysdid.Wedidn’tbothertogointothekitcheninthemornings.There

wasnopoint,asMomnevergotupbeforetwelve.Thetruthwastheworldwouldbebetterwithouther
init.Istucktwofingersintothesidepocketofmybookbag,pulledoutasmallpieceofHubbaBubba,
andpoppeditinmymouth,hopingIcouldtrickmybellyintothinkingitwasfull.

Thiswasthesad,sick,twistedrealityofmychildhood…mylife.
Itookonelastlookatherandclosedthedoorbehindme.AtleastIhadaboutfivehoursofpeace

beforebeingsubjectedtomymother’susualhangover.

CHAPTERONE

Location:Mexico

Coordinates:Classified

Mark

IranasfastasIcould.Thebulletsweregettingcloser,onewhippingbymyhead.Myfeetpoundedthe

dirt,makingasmalldusttrailthatgaveupmylocation.IdoveintoagullywhereIhastilyreloadedand
movedmyselfintoabetterposition.Thesunwasblinding.Ipulledoutatubeofpaintandranasmudge
undereachofmyeyestorelievetheglare.

“RavenOnetoRavenTwo,whatisyourlocation?”Cole’svoicecommandedovertheradio.
Ipushedthetinybuttononmyneck.“RavenTwotoRavenOne,northwest,threeyardsfromthebarn.”
“Copythat,RavenTwo.FoxOneisheadingtoyou.Coverhim.”
“Copythat,RavenOne,coverFoxOne.”
IscannedthehorizonthenclickedmyradiotoletPaulknowallwasclear.Paulpoppedupseemingly

outofnowhereandranlowacrossthefield,weaponheldtohiseyeincaseofathreat.

Then I saw it—the flash from the barrel of a gun. I knew from its location it was not a Blackstone

member.Itwasoneofthem.Ilickedmylipsandpulledthetrigger,sprayingbulletsinthedirectionofthe
flash.Theman’sbodyplowedbackwardthenfelloutofsight.

Pauldovetotheground,tuckingintoaballasherolledtomyfeetandsmiledhisthanksupatme.
“Nice.RavenTwo,movetonextlocation,”Coleinstructed.
“10-4,RavenOne.”InoddedforPaultogofirst.
Paul checked his gun before he jumped up and ran the rest of the way to the barn. Once John sent a

click over the radio indicating all was safe, I took a quick look around, then moved into position and
startedtorun.

Mymindcleared.Nothingmatteredwhenyouwereinthissituation.Live,ordietryin’.
I knew the moment it hit. Sadly, no amount of gear would stop these bullets. On the street, they’re

called“copkillers.”Theypiercethroughanyarmor,includingthetypeIwore.Ifeltthebulletasittore
intomyflesh,landingrightaroundmykidney.Itburroweddeepandlodgedintothemuscle.

TherewasnothingIcoulddobuttrytoturnoffthepainandrunforcover.IheardCole’sgunfireinthe

directionoftheshooter.

Thebuzzovertheradiodidn’tregisterinmybrain.Iwasalmostthere,butnowhereclosetowherethe

chopperwas.Run,justrun.

Paul was waiting, and he grabbed me when I got close enough. Cole must have told him what

happened.

“Whereyouhit?”Paulhelpedmetotheground,rollingmeontomyside.“Shit!”
Itookapainfulgaspofair.“NotwhatIwanttohear,man.”
AtinysmilebrokeoverPaul’slips.“Well,then,don’tgetshot.”
“I’llkeepthatinmind,”Ihuffed.
Paulstartedtopullsuppliesoutofhisvest.“Thisisgoingtotickle.”
“Fuckoff.”Ilaughedthengruntedashepouredpowderovertheopenwound.Paulstartedtotapemy

back,allthewhilemutteringaboutwhatapussyIwas.Hehelpedmetomyfeet,aswewastedenough
timeasitwas.

“Canyourun?”
“Yeah,man,it’sjustascratch.”Sweatpooledintomygearaswemovedtothebackofthebarn.We

exitedandranasfastaswecouldtothetreeline.

Every step, every breath, every blink became an effort. My eyes watered with the deep burn that

traveledupmyspine.Ivomitedmid-stridebutkeptmoving,thoughitcausedmetoslowmypace.Paul
glancedbackthennoddedbehindme.Amomentlater,Irealizedwhy.Keithgrabbedmyvestandhauled
mewithalongwithhimuntilweweredeepenoughintotheforestthatwecouldstop.

I dropped to my knees, unable to stand. I could normally block out pain, but this was too much.

Somethingwasn’tright.

“Staywithme,brother,”Colesaid.
ImagesflashedinfrontofmeasIstaredupatthedarkeningsky.
Thisisnotgood.Shit,whereamI?OnemomentI’minTijuanathenextI’makidcrouchingunder

thekitchentable.

“Mark!” His voice sent a chill to my fingertips. “Mark!” Cole slapped my cheek as he brought me

back.Hisfacesaidalot;Iwasintrouble.

“He’shere,”Iwhispered,confusedastowhereIwas.
Coledidn’thavetoask.Hecouldreadmytone.“No,”heshookhishead,“no,he’snot.Staywithme,

brother.”

“Heis.Icanhearhim.”Mygriptightenedonhisarm.“Cole.”
ColeloweredhisheadandwhisperedasIclosedmyeyesandgaveintothereliefoflettinggoofthe

pain.

***

Mia

“Comeon,Mia.”Dr.EvanshandedmeacoffeeasIfilledoutapatient’schart.
I didn’t bother to look up. His puppy dog eyes wouldn’t work on me. “Like I told you last week,

yesterday,andtoday,Idonothavetimetodate.”

“Youwork,yougohome,andyouwork,Mia.”Hesighed.“Atsomepoint,you’regoingtowakeup

andseeyou’vewastedyourlifehereinthishospitaldoing…what?”

Mypenstoppedmid-stroke,andIglancedup.“Savinglives.”
“You’reanurse,notadoctor.Thoughyou’resmartenoughtobeone.”Dr.Evansslidthechartoutfrom

undermyhandsandsatinitsspot.

“Pardonme?”Thenerveofthisass!Ifelttheveinonmynecktwitch.
He waved off my anger. “Look, all I’m saying is have some fun. When was the last time you were

out?”

I folded my arms to resist the urge to throw a punch and break his nose. “Last night, at the Thirsty

Duck.”

“Imeanadate.Imean—”
Thedoorsburstopen,andinranTruck59paramedicspushingagurneywithagunshotvictim.Three

firemenfollowed,withtwomenwholookedliketheyjustcamefromawar.

“Ineedhelphere,”Wyatt,theparamedic,shouted.Whenhesawme,hestartedinonadetailedreport.

“Male,agethirty,gunshotwoundtothelowerback.”

I glanced around and wondered where he came from. Where were the police? They were normally

herewhentherehadbeenashooting.ThenIsawhisdogtagsasMolly,theothernurse,shiftedtheman
ontohisside.IreachedforthetagsandsawhewasSpecialForces.MajorMarkLopez.

MollyhadmentionedaspecialunitoftheArmycamethroughhere,ifneeded,beforetheyheadedto

theirsafehouse.Ilookedather,andshenoddedasifIhadaskedher,thensheshookherhead,reminding
menottoaskanyquestions.

“All right,” I said after a good look at his wound. “Bed four is open.” I pointed then glanced at the

othermen,whowereagainstthewall,outoftheway.

Iheadedover,buttookmytimeandtriedtofindtherightwords.Thesemenlookedlikethey’dbeen

throughhellandbackalreadytoday.

Onelargemansteppedforwardandextendedahand.“Nurse?”
“Harper,MiaHarper.”Ireturnedtheshake.
“ColonelLogan.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Theshothappenedoverthreehoursago.Wegotambushed,

andLopeztookoneintheback.Hedidn’tthinkithithiskidney,buthementionedhisspinewasburning.
Wepackeditasbestwecould,buthelostalotofblood.”

“Allright.” The otherman took astep toward me. Hisnametag said AgentKeith. “He’ll be heading

directlytotheOR.I’llbeintherewithyourMajorLopez,Colonel,andI’llgiveyouanupdateassoonas
Ican.”

“Thanks,Mia,”Logansaidwithasighthenhepulledoutacellphoneandmadeacall.
“You’renew?”AgentKeithdrewmyattentiontohim.
“I am,” I confirmed. “I’ll take good care of your friend. Join together, retire together, right?” Logan

turnedtolookatme,asAgentKeithnarrowedhisgaze.Iknewonlyaselectfewknewtheirunit’smotto.I
turnedonmyheelandhopeditwouldgivethemsomecomfort.

***

Thedoorflewopen,andIgulpedabreathoffreshair.AlaundrybasketheldmyweightasItooka

momenttogathermyself.GoodLord,I’dneverhadapatientwakeuplikethatduringsurgery.

“Mia, the sponge, please,” Dr. Evans asked with a little gleam in his eye. “So, have you thought

any more about what I asked?” The room was full of nurses concentrating on their jobs, but I knew
theywerelisteningtoourconversation.

Ishookmyheadandcheckedthepatient’soxygenlevels.Molly’seyeswerelittleslits,andIknew

she found the doctor’s persistence funny. “No, Dr. Evans, I have been busy dealing with a gunshot
victim.”

“He’sstable,he’sgotoneofthebestteamsaroundhim,so—”
Thepatient’shandshotforwardandhisfingerssnappedaroundmywrist.Ilookeddownandfound

hisdarkbrowneyeslatchedsolidlyontomine.

“Hi,there,Mark.”MyvoiceremainedcalmasIreachedoverandheldontohishandtightly.His

body suddenly registered pain, and his neck muscles strained. “You’re a fighter, big fella, that’s for

sure. Most people are out cold with this stuff.” I smiled and glanced up at Molly, who was ready to
givehimanotherdose.Marktriedtospeak,butthetubedownhisthroatmadehimgag.“Iknow.”I
pulledastooloversoIcouldsit.“We’realmostdone,butMollyisgoingtoputyoubackundersoyou
don’thurt.”Heshookhishead.Icouldn’thelpit,andIbrushedmyhandthroughhismessyhair.Ihad
neverbeenintimatewithapatientbefore,buthewassuchabigmanandwassovulnerable.Therewas
somethingaboutthesituationthatdrewoutmyprotectiveinstincts.

Hiseyessoftened,thenclosed,butnotbeforehegavemeaslightnod.“I’llbeherethewholetime,”

I whispered, looking over at Molly as she started to feed the medicine into the line. In a matter of
secondshewasbackout.Hisgriploosened,butIdidn’tpullawayimmediately,notuntilIwassurehe
wascompletelyrelaxed.

“Jesus,”Ihuffedandletmyshoulderssag.Dr.Evanshadastrangelookonhisface.
Mollybrokethesilence.“Yikes.Thatwasatadscary.”

Afterafewdeepbreaths,IpushedMark’slookoutofmyheadandthenstood.Lettinggoofthelaundry

basket,Imovedontocompletemyrounds.

Afterahotshowerandacleansetofscrubs,IremovedabookfrommybagandheadedtotheERand

satinthecorner.Ienjoyedwatchingpeopleastheycamein.Youcouldalwaystellwhowasreallyhurt
andwhowasn’t.Iratedthemfromonetoten.Itwasagoodskilltohaveworkinginthisfield.

“Mia?”Mollyhandedmeacoffeeandtookaseatnexttome.“Howareyou?”
Ishruggedandranafingerthroughthehotsteamabovemycup.“Fine,Iguess.”
“Youwanttotalkaboutanything?”
I nodded when I realized she was thinking about it too. “I’ve seen worse, Molly. The gunshot was

nothing.”

“Ididn’tmeanthat.Imeantyoudidwellwhenhewokeup.Youwereabletocalmhim.Mark’sabig

guy.I’msurprisedhedidn’ttakeyououtandrunforthedoor.”

“Hmm…”Ithoughtforamoment.“So,doesBlackstonecomehereoften?”
“Blackstone?”Molly’sfacetwisted.“Howdoyouknowtheirname?”
“IoverheardLoganspeaking.”
“Oh.”Icouldtellshedidn’treallybelieveme,butsheletitgo.“IoncehadsuchacrushonLogan,but

he’smarriedwithachild.Shame.”Shelaughedasshesippedhercoffee.“Thenthere’sMark.Lord,that
mansendssparksdirectlytomywell.”Shegaveawink.

Ileanedmyheadbackandcrackedup.Mollyhadapoint.
“So,” she settled into the chair next to me, “care to share something about yourself? You’ve been

workingherefortwomonths,andIdon’tevenknowwhereyou’refromorwhereyouworkedlast.”

“Ah,let’ssee.”IdugupsomethinginahurrythatIcouldsharefromonesideoftherealstory.The

other was better left untold. “I was born and raised in Arizona, later moving to California because I
wanted to be near the water, then went to college there, then I moved around some. My mother always
saidIwasabitofgypsy.”

“Areyouclosewithyourparents?”
IglancedattheclockonthewallandrealizedIneededtogetbacktowork.IheldupmycoffeeasI

got to my feet. “Thanks for the coffee, Molly. I’ll get yours next time.” I started to walk away, but she
calledoutafterme.

“Mia.” I turned to see her squinting at me. “Just so you know, they never mention anything about

themselveswhenthey’rehere.”

Ishrugged.“Luckyguess,Isuppose.”IwavedovermyheadasIdisappeareddownthelonghallway.

***

Mark

“You’rehungry?”Shesneeredasshechuckedapieceofstalebreadatmyhead.“Youungrateful

pieceofshit.”

“Butmytummyhurts,Momma.”IcriedasIreachedforthebreadthatwasnowbeneaththecouch.

Anythingwasbetterthantheinternalachethatconsumedmyeverythought.

“Go,beglikeagoodlittledog.”Sheflickedherfingertowardthedoor.
Mychinquivered.Iknewwhatshewantedmetodo.Ic-c-can’t,Iw-w-won’t.Itwasembarrassing.
“DidIstutter,boy?”shescreamedasshetookanotherswigfromthevodkabottle.
Shoot.
Igrabbedmyshoes,whichwerewornouttothepointthatIfelteveryrockandcrack,thenpulled

onmyhoodie.Whatwasthepoint?Itwaspouringrainout.I’dbefrozeninafewminutesanyway.

“Don’tcomebackunlessyouhavesomethingtoshare.”
Iheardhisfootsteps,anditmadememovefaster.Igrabbedaplasticbagandhurriedoutintothe

darknight.

Iknockedonmyneighbor’sdoor,onlytogetasmacktotheheadforbeggingforfood.Itrudgedon.

Myshoessqueaked,andmyfeetwerenumbasthenightdraggedon.Idecidedtotakeanewdirection
andheadedsouthintothewealthierneighborhood,knowingIwastakingabiggerrisk.

Iwalkedforalongtime.ItwasgettingdarkwhenIfoundsomeone’sgatewideopen.Ilookedahead

to a red door, and I remembered a story I heard from my teacher that a red door meant welcome. I
slippedmybodythroughandhurrieddownthedriveway.

IraisedmycoldknucklestothedoorandknockedashardasIcould,hopingitwasn’ttoolateto

askforfood.

Thedooropened,andtherestoodasweetlysmilingladyholdingateacupandsaucer.
“Sweetheart.” Her voice nearly brought me to tears. “What on earth are you doing out here so

late?”

“I-I…” I couldn’t even think. This lady just called me sweetheart. No one had ever called me

anythingbutboy.“Iwaswonderingifyoucouldsparesomefood?”

Hereyeswidenedasmywordssankin.
“Please,I’msohungry,andifIgobackwithoutfood,mymommawillhitme.”
Shedidn’tmissabeatasshewrappedherwarmarmsaroundmeandpulledmeintothecomfortof

thebighouse.“Comein,andI’llwarmupsomesoupforyou.”

“Really?”Inearlytrippedovermyownfeet.Ohmy,thehousewashugeandwarm.Theymusthave

paidalotforheat,becauseMommaalwayssaiditwastooexpensivetoheatoursmallplace.

“Sue!”shecalledaswepassedbythestaircase.“Couldyoupleasecomedownhere?”
Thekitchenhadafireplace!Icouldhardlybelievemyeyes,andIheadedovertoseekitswarmth.

Mybonessoonthawed,butIstillshiveredinmydampclothes.

“Here.” The sweet lady handed me some clothes. She pointed to a restroom and urged me to go

change.

Thepersoninthemirrordidn’tlooklikeme.Ilookedlikeeveryoneelse.Justakidinnormalclean

clothes. I loved how they felt. I rubbed the dirt from my face and ran my fingers through my soaked
hairsoitlayflat.

Iheadedbackouttothekitchenwheremygrowlingtummyledmetoayummysmell.Theladywas

stirringahugepotofsoup.

“Comeandsit,dear.”Shepointedtoastoolattheisland.Iclimbedupasshesetasteamingbowl

ofsoupnexttomeandthenplacedarollwithbutternexttoit.Ohmy,evenbutter!Wow!Ibowedmy
headandgavethanks.Weneverprayedathome,butthissurewassomethingtoprayover.

“Whatisyourname?”sheaskedassheeasedontothestoolacrossfromme.
“Mark,ma’am,”Imutteredthroughabiteoftheroll.Ohmy,itwassogood!
“Nicetomeetyou,Mark.MynameisAbigail.”Shegavemeawarmsmile.“Theclothesfitwell,as

Ithoughttheywould.He’saboutyoursize.”

“He?”Iwonderedwhohewas.
Sherefilledmymilkglass.“Yes,thelittleboywholiveshereisaboutyourage.Whatareyou,seven

oreight?”

“Seven,ma’am.”
“That’sagoodage.”Shehandedmeanotherroll.“Wheredoyoulive?”
Iswallowedalargepieceofbreadandtriedtoremembermymanners.“Iliveinthetrailerparkon

SixthRow.”

Herfacesoftened,andIknewsheknewexactlywhereIlived.
“You’reoutlate.”
“Nah,Mommadoesn’tlikemehomewhenshe’sdrinking.Shesendsmeoutlookin’forfoodwhen

shedoesn’twanttotakemetothesoupkitchen.”IplacedmysoupdownandrememberedIcouldn’tgo
homeempty-handedorI’dgetanotherbeating.

“Thanks, miss, for the food and clothes. Do you think it would be okay to take a roll with me?

Mommadoesn’tlikemetocomewithnothin’forher.”

Sheplacedherwarmhandovermine.“Youeat,Mark.I’llmakeyousomethingtotakehometoyour

momma.”

Really?“’Kay.”IstartedtoeatthesoupasfastasIcouldjustassomeonecameintothekitchen.
“Sue,”Abigailwhispered,“wehavealatenightvisitor.”
“Oh,”sheeyedmeandbrokeintoalargesmile,“areyouafriendofmyson’s?”
“Umm,no,miss.”Idranktheentireglassofmilk,andassoonasIputitdown,Abigailrefilledit.

“Thankyou.”

“Of course. Boys like you need lots of milk to grow big and strong. Do you drink much milk?” I

shookmyhead.IthoughtIhadmilkonce.Ittastedreallygood.

Aftershepackedmeaboxoffood,sheledmeouttoagarage.
Abigail drove me home, and the car started on the first try! The seats were warm as I sank into

them.Wow,theyhadalotofmoney.Iwantedtoknowwhatitfeltliketodriveinacar,especiallyone
thathadtheheatworking.

“Umm,thankyouforeverything,”Inervouslysaidaswegotclosetoourtrailer.“Mommamight

getmad…”Ididn’twanttotalkabouthowshebeatmefornoreason.Iopenedthedoor,andbeforeI
steppedoutintotherain,Iturnedtoher.“Thankyouforthefood.I’llreturntheclothestomorrow.”

Abigailplacedherhandonmyshoulder.“Whydon’tyoukeeptheclothesandcomebackfordinner

tomorrow?”

Mystomachtightenedatthis.“Really?Ah,okay,thankyou.”
LittledidIknowthosecleanclotheswouldearnmethebeatingofalifetime.

***

The warm sun beat against my sore eyelids. A shadow crossed over me and my senses kicked in. I

reachedformygun,butitwasn’tthere.Ohshit!WhereamI?Mymemoryracedback,butitwasfuzzy.
SomeonetouchedmyarmandIgrabbedthehandandpulledthemdown.

“Oh!”afemalevoicegasped.
Iopenedmytiredeyesandsawapairofdeepgreeneyesstaringbackatme.
“It’s okay,” she whispered as her long brown hair moved about her midsection. “I’m a nurse, and

you’reatNorthDakotaHospital.Iwasjustgoingtocheckyourtemperature.”

IrecalledthefewmemoriesIhadbeforeIblackedout.Iloosenedmygrip,butshedidn’tremoveher

handrightaway.

“Canyouanswerafewquestions?”Hervoicewascalmandsoothingandseemedtoeasethepounding

headachebehindmyeyes.Igaveacarefulnodasthepainstartedtosurface.“Doyouknowyourname?”

Inodded.
Shesmiled.
“Doyouknowwhatyearitis?”
Inodded.
Shesmiledwider,whichmadeherfacelightup.Damn,shewaspretty.
“Whatcoloraremyeyes?”
Istartedtonod,butstoppedwhenIsawherangle.Shewantedanactualanswer.Icouldn’thelpbut

grin.

“Well,thatwasworththewait.”Shelaughedgently.Wait?“You’vebeenoutforadayandahalf.”She

startedtofiddlewithmyIVbag.“Butthat’snormal,consideringwhatyouhavebeenthrough.Youknow
youwereshot?”

Okay,shemusthavebeenunderthesamecontractasMolly.
Sheglancedatherbrightredwatch.“Myshiftendsintwenty,soAlvinwillbeyournurseforthenext

twelvehours.”Alvin?

My stomach sank. She was a hot little thing. I watched her as she busied herself with her tasks and

wroteonherclipboard.Sexygreeneyes,tightass,andlongbrownhairwithaslightwavethroughit.The
black scrubs showed off her Converse sneakers that made me smile, considering most nurses wore
practicalshoes.IthoughtofthosehorribleCrocssomepeopleinsistedon,eventothepointofsticking
decorationsintheholes.

Shecontinuedtoscribbleonherchart,thenflippeditclosed.“CanIgetyouanything?”
Istaredatherforamoment.Shedidn’tshiftlikeshewasuncomfortableassomewomendidwhenthey

werearoundmenlikeme.Shejuststaredbackwithafaintsmirk.

Iclearedmythroatandmanagedtogruntout,“Water.”
“Surething.”Sheopenedasmallfridgeandreturnedwithayellowcupandstraw.Sheheldthestraw

tomymouthandwaitedformetotakeit.Ifeltlikeafool,soIraisedmyhand,butshebatteditaway.“I
had to sponge bathe a sixty-year-old man earlier. You can handle me taking care of you for a few
moments.”Igrinned,feelingsorryforher,andopenedmylipsanddownedtheinchandahalfofwater
shegaveme.

“More,”Icroakedthroughasandpaperthroat.
Sheshookherheadwithasadface.“Sorry,that’sall,Major.”
Iplacedmyhandonherstomakeherstop.“Please.”
“Youcouldvomitanddodamagetoyourstitches.Youhadalotofmedication—”
“Iwon’t,Ipromise.”Myhandflexed.Ineededwatersobadly.“Promise.”
Hereyesclosedandsheletoutasigh.“Justatinybitmore.”Herlaughmademehappy.Icouldsee

shewasbreakingherownrules,andIlovedit.

Likebefore,Idownedtheentirethinginsecondsbutdidn’tpushmyluck.
“Notaword.”Shepointedherfingeratmeasshesteppedback.“Iknowwhereyoulive.”Shelaughed

andmovedherhandsintheairtooutlinetheroom.“Room2203.”Hernosescrunchedassheopenedthe
door.“Getsomesleep,MajorLopez.”

I gave her a salute, and she moved out into the bright hallway. That chick was funny. With the pain

clickerinhand,Isoondozedofftoaheavysleep.

***

Manuel

My fat lip made it hard to drink from the glass. I drooled as I popped three Advils. What a fucking

night.Ispatbloodofftothesideandranmytonguealongmybackteeth.Shit.Themolarwascracked,and
halfofitwasgone.

“Youlooklikeshit,”Billymutteredashewalkedoutofthelockerroom.
IwaitedforhimtoleavebeforeIchangedmyshirtandtuckedmyguninitsholster.Mycellvibrated,

andIcursedwhenIreadthetext.

Noah:Fivedaysbeforefirstpayment.

I swiped my thumb to open the phone and scrolled the page down to refresh the email. Nothing.

Motherfuckerwasgoingtogetmekilled.

Icaughtmyreflectioninthelockermirrorthathungonthedoor.Rageburnedfrommygutrightthrough

tomyskin.Ihatedthatweevenlookedsimilar.Isqueezedmyeyesshut,tryingtoblockoutthememoryI
knewwascoming.

“Heythere,bigfella,what’syourname?”Hissmilewassleazy,andIknewwhatthismanwanted.I

knewbecausethiswasn’tthefirsttimeithadhappened.Mark’sredjacketcaughtmyattentionthrough
thewindow,andmyangergrewasherantohisfreedomwhileIhadtostayinthisfuckinghell.

Fuck it. I glanced around and saw I was alone. Spinning the top, I opened the Snapple bottle and

downedhalfofit.Thevodkawasstrong.Igaveupmeasuringitlongago.Thesedaysitwasjustasplash
ofjuice,andtherestwaswhateverliquorIcouldgetmyhandson.

Withthat,IslammedmylockerandwenttotakewhatIneeded.

CHAPTERTWO

Mark

The next forty-eight hours were rough. Nurse Alvin was a complete ass who couldn’t even read my

damnchart.ThentherewasNurseDawn.Shethoughtshewasatafuckingquiltingclass,stickingmewith
herflippin’needles.Wherethehelldidthesepeoplegettheirdegrees?

Myheadhurt,mysidehurt,andthisgoddamnplacewouldn’tgivemeanyfood.
Thesheetsneededtobeburned,thewallswereinsanelybright,andtheyneededsomefuckingfood!I

can’t wait until they deliver my Jell-O. Really Jell-O? That shouldn’t ever be considered food. They
broughtitin,andtheytookitbackout.Getthefuckingpoint!IhateJell-O!

“What-up,sunshine?”Colesmirkedfromthedoorway,andbythelookofit,hehadbeenwatchingme.
“Goaway.”
“Stillmilkingit?”
“Screwoff.”
“Aw,someoneseemspissy.What,theynotfeedingyou?”Iflinched,buthesawit.Hishandflewtohis

chest.“Ah,brother,Iwishyouweretherelastnight.Abbymadeonehugeribeye,withthissaucethatwas
—”

“You’redeadtome.”
Helaughedashejumpedforward,movingoutofthewayfor…thereshewas.
“Hey,guys.”ShebeamedassheheadedformyIV.“Now,youlookmuchbetter.”Shegavemeawink.
Coleshotmealookashecheckedherout.
“Savannah,”Imouthedback,gettingamiddlefinger.
Sheopenedmychartbeforesheasked,“Howareyou,Colonel?”
“Quitewell,thanks,”heglancedatme,“Mia.”
Really,asshole,firstnamebasis?
“Good.”Shelookedathim,andIflippedhimthefingerback.“Gladtohearit.”
Cole’sphonewentoff,andheexcusedhimselffromtheroom.
Yes,leave.
Miatookamomenttofinishthepaperwork,swipingherlongbangsoutofherlineofsight.
“Deepgreen.”Myvoicewasgruff.
Shelookedup.“Pardon?”
“Thecolorofyoureyes.They’redeepgreen.”
Thecornersofthosegreeneyescrinkledashercheekspinkedup,turningthemafewshadesdarker.
“Good.”Therewasalightnesstohervoice.Sheslidthechartintothesleeveontheendofthebed.

“Whatdayistoday?”

“Wednesday.”
“What’syourname,Major?”
“MajorMarkLopez,withtheUnitedStatesArmy.”
“Good.”
“Myturn,”Istated.“What’syourname?”
“Huh.” She chuckled as she crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Mia Harper. I’m a nurse for

NorthDakotaHospital.”

“Hownewareyou?”
“How…?”shetrailedoff.
“ThelasttwojackassnursesIhaddidn’tknowwhoyouwere.”
“Youwerecheckinguponme?”
Shit.“No,I—”
“Whywereyoucheckinguponme?”
“Wait.How,”Itossedmyhandsintheair,“howdidIlosecontrolhere?”
Shechuckledandpouredmesomewater.
“Oww,”Ihissed,leaningwayovertotheside,“Shitthathurts.”
“Oh,God.”Sherushedtomyside,puttingherhandsonmyshoulderstokeepmefromfalling.“Easy,

now.”

“Yousmellnice.”Igaveheradevilishgrin.
She closed her eyes then reached for a button to call for help. “You’re going to be trouble for me,

aren’tyou,Mark?”

“Me?Never.”
Shepushedthebuttonandwaitedforsomeonetoanswer.“Alvin,couldyoupleasegivepatientMark

Lopezaspongebath?”Myfacedropped.“Heseemstobebouncingbackratherquickly.”

“Surething,Mia.”Alvinsoundedalittletooeagerforme.
“Nooneisgoingtowashme.”Ifoldedmyarmswithawince.“Iamagrown-assman,beenthrough

worsethanthis.Givemethesoap,andI’llgladlywashmyself.”

Sheleanedmebackandtuckedinmyblanket.“Now,Mark,wehaverules.”
Alvincameinwhistlingatune.
“Out!”Ishouted,butMia’sfacemademechuckle.
Alvinlookedatherforhelp.“Mia?”
“Okay,Mr.Lopez.”Adoctorcamein,butstoppedwhenhesawmyfuckeduproomparty.“Sothisis

wheremystaffishangingout.”HemadeapointtolookatMia,whoshrugged,butwinkedatmewhenshe
pattedAlvinontheshoulder.

Alvinwalkedout,butasMiaturned,thedoctorcalledherback.
“Stay,Icouldusethecompany.”Hegaveherasmile,andshereturnedit,butIcouldn’ttellifitwas

becausehewasherboss.

“MynameisDr.Evans.”Hedidn’tlookupfromhischart.Iwasafirmbelieverineyecontact,andit

rubbedthewrongwayhewouldn’tgiveittome,thepatient.“Mark,howareyoufeelingtoday?”

“Well,Doc,IfeellikeI’vebeenshot.”Miacouldn’thideheramusementatmycomment.
“Soit’spainful?”
“Yes,gunshotsarenormallyprettypainful.”
“Onewouldthinkso.”Henoddedwhileheflippedthroughmychart.“I’msurprisedIhaven’truninto

youbefore,consideringthishasbeenyourthirdgunshotinthepastfiveyears.Jesus.”Hestoppedwhen
herealizedwhathesaid.

“Well,it’snotsomethingIhaveaimedfor,”Imuttered,feelingsoreandcranky.Heobviouslydidn’t

even get my intended pun. I didn’t like how quiet Mia was now that the doctor arrived. It led me to

believetheyhadahistory.

Dr.Evanscametomyside,pulledbacktheblanket,andfeltaroundtheexitwound.“You’reeitherona

lotofpainmedication,oryou’renotinthatmuchpain.”

“You learn quickly to internalize pain in my line of work, Doc,” I answered, feeling tired. “Five,” I

sighed.“Mypainonthescale.”

Hesmiledwithanod.“Youhavebeendownthisroutebefore.”
“Yup.”
Miahandedmeaglassofcoldwater.Apagehadherleaninghereartohershoulderasshelistened.

“Excuseme.”

Dr.Evanspushedthebuttonontheintercom.“Alvin,youcancomebackinandgiveMr.Lopezhisbath

now.”

“I’llpass.”
“Trustme,Mark,thisisnotforyou.”Hesnappedthechartclosed.“Youhaveagoodday.”
“Oh,yeah,youtoo,Doc.”Isnickeredasheleft.
Alvincameinwithagrin.“Youready,Mark?”
“Ihopeyoudieaslowpainfuldeathforthis.”

***

Mia

Twelvehours,twosurgeries,andaneardeathlater,Iwasprettydamntired.Theweekhadgoneby

fast,andtherewasalotofbuzzabouttheupcomingFridaynightdownatTheGrid.Itsoundedkindoffun.
However,theweightofpeople’sproblemsneverleftmewhentheshiftended.Ineededtimetoprocess.
Socializingwithstaffwasn’tsomethingthatinterestedme.

“Lopezisaskingforanotherdinner.”Oneofthenursesshookherhead.Markwasstartingtogrowon

thestaffthisweek.Hewasaterribleflirtwiththeolderladies,andheseemedtohavecaughttheeyeof
Alvintoo.

Iheldupahand,grabbedmybagandbookfrombehindthestation,andhurriedintohisroom.
“IknewifIcomplainedenoughthey’dsendyouin.”Heflashedasexysmirk.Christ,hiseyeslooked

rightintome.Sometimeshemademefeelvulnerable.

“Myshiftisover,Major.IstheresomethingIcangetforyou?”
“Please, something that wasn’t made inside a sweat factory.” He pushed his beef and gravy away.

“I’ve eaten worse, but I can’t handle it anymore. Not when I can see a Marie Callender’s from my
window.That’skindofmean,don’tyouthink?”

IlaughedbeforeIopenedmybagandpulledoutmyshepherd’spie.“Here.”
His eyes lit up as he peeked under the lid. “Well, fuck me sideways.” I had to look away when he

grinned.ThefeelinghegavemewasdifferentthanIwasusedto.“Didyoumakethis?”Igaveaquicknod
beforeIclosedmybagandheadedforthedoor.

“Whereareyougoing?”
“Home.”
“Why?”
“I’mtired.”
“But I’m bored.” I saw his playful grin when I turned around and crossed my arms. “I have gossip.

Girlslikethat,right?”

“Ihaven’tbeenherelongenoughtoknowwhomostofthenursesevenare.”

Hisfacescrunched,andIcouldseehewasgoingtotryanotherangle.“Iheardyouliketoread.”
Thisthrewme.“Howdidyou—”Iclosedmyeyes.“WhyareyouandMollytalkingaboutme?”
“Iwantedtoknowwhatyouliked.”
“Why?”
Heignoredmyquestionashetossedthelidoftheshepherd’spiecontaineronhislapthengrabbeda

plasticspoonfromhistrayanddugin.

“Mia.”Dr.Evansstuckhisheadinthedoor,thenstoppedandlookedatbothofus.“Youheadingout?”
Iwantedtosigh,butIhelditback.InoticedMarkwaswatchingmecarefully.
“No,IthinkI’mgoingtogohome.”
“Caseinpoint.”Heshruggedasheclosedthedoor.Iknow,Iknow,I’maloner.
With a fake smile, I turned to Mark. “I should get going. See you later.” Just as I gripped the door

handle,hespokeup.

“Thanksforthedinner.It’sreallydelicious.Adefiniteimprovementonthebeef.”
“Noproblem.”
Iheadeddownthehallwayandhopednoonewouldspotme.Ijustwantedtogohome.

***

Knockknock.Myfistmetthedoorofmydownstairsneighbor,whogreetedmewithhisnormalgummy

smile.

“Shift?”
“Long,butgood.”
Heleanedhisshoulderintothedoorway.“Youlookdifferent.”Hiseyesnarrowedinonme.“You’re

nottellingmesomething.”

Iheldoutmyhand.Hewhistled,andamomentlaterButters,ourSiberianhusky,camerunningtoward

me,jumpeduponmychest,andnearlyknockedmedown.Hewasamassivedogandweighedjustalittle
lessthanIdid.Awhileback,ourneighborwhohadlivedinthebuildingforovertwentyyearspassed
away. Somehow the dog was left with all of us, so we took turns looking after him. Butters seemed to
haveasmallattachmenttome.Hisgiantpinktonguelickedtheentirelengthofmyface.

“Ijustneedsleep.”IcalledforButterstofollow.“Seeyoulater,Ed.”
The heavy elevator door shut, and I soon stepped into my art-studio style apartment. Kyle, my best

friend,andIrentedthisplace.Hefinallyconvincedmetomoveheretwomonthsago.Hereceivedword
onemonthagothathewonaspotatamajorartgallerytoshowoffhiswork.TosayIwasheartbroken
whenheleftwasanunderstatement.

NowIhadthismassiveapartment,floortoceilingwindowsaboutthirtyfeettall,andnoonetoshareit

with.

Igrabbedlastnight’spizza,droppeditonaplate,hookedabottleofwaterfromthefridge,andheaded

tothecouch.Buttersfollowedandsettledinnexttome.Normally,I’dcook,buttheseshiftsweregetting
tome.Ididn’ttakeabreakwhenIwassupposedto,andIalsovolunteeredatthelocalmedicalcenter.
Badmistake.IdroppedmyChuckstothefloor,drewmykneesup,andclickedontheTV.

Iwasn’tsurewhattimeIheadedtobed.Itwasdark,andthemoonshoneenoughthatIdidn’tneedto

usealight.OnceIwastuckedinbetweentheblankets,Ipattedthebed,andButtersslammedhimselfto
myfront.Myarmslidaroundhischest,andIburiedmyheadnexttohis.

“Loveyou,boy.”Ikissedhisheadandclosedmyeyes.

***

Manuel

Fouracesrestedbetweenmyfingers,somychanceswereprettygood.BigJoe,whohadbeencleaning

up,satnexttome,lookinglikehemightkeeloveratanytimefromaheartattack.IwishedIhadsatacross
fromhimsoIcouldreadhisface,butnosuchluck.Instead,Ineededtobluffmyhand.

Myneckwasitchywithsweatthathadbeensteadilyrunningdownmyback.Ineededtowinthishand

orNoahwasgoingtocaveinmyfaceagain.

“Fold,”theskinnyguyacrossfrommesaidandtossedhiscardsintothecenterofthetable.
The light bulb that hung from the ceiling on a single wire flickered and made us all look up. The

warehouse was a meat market and stunk of flesh, even here, way in the back where they held these
tournaments.

MychairsqueakedasIshifted,tryingtowaitoutthenextman’smove.
“Fold.”Hesighedbeforehegotupandheadedforthebar.
The blonde woman who I’d seen around a few times flipped a red chip over and over between her

fingersasshethought.

“Iraiseathousand.”Sheslidablackchipintothepile.
Withouthesitating,Iplacedmychips.“Iseeyourthousandandraiseyoutwothousand.”
“Call.”BigJoefollowedwithhischipsandwaitedtoseewhatwouldhappennext.

***

Theicefeltgoodonmyforehead,butbedsoundedevenbetter.
“Whatthehellhappenedtoyou?”Oneofthegirlsfromthebookingdepartmentstuckherheadinmy

cubicle.

“Wrongplace,wrongtime,”Iliedandpushedtheimagesofhisfistsmashingintomyheadasfaraway

asIcould.Icouldstillconjureupthesoundofthepipecrackingmyskull.Memoriesofthecardgame
werefuzzy.

“Youmaywanttogetthatlookedat.Jeez,areyougoingtopresscharges?”
Inearlylaughed.MylifewassofuckeduprightnowthatthelastthingIneededwasmorepeoplein

myshit.

“Nah,notworththepaperwork.”
IwaiteduntilsheleftbeforeIopenedmyemail.Nothing.Areyoufuckingkiddingme?

***

Mark

IthadbeentwodayssinceI’dseenMia.TheystuckwithmeNurseAlvinandsomeotherladywhohad

thepersonalityofadoorknob.BoredomwasnotsomethingIdidwell.ColeandAbigailwantedtovisit,
butItoldthemtostayhome.Therewasnothingtheycoulddo,andtheywereneededatthehouse.

WithaquickjerkoftheIV,Ifreedmyselffromthegoddamnbed.Ididn’tlikebeingtoldwhentoeat,

whentosleep,whentotakemymeds.Iwasagrown-assman,andIneededtogetbacktomyroutine.

“Ahh,”ImoanedasIswungmylegsovertheedgeofthebed.Withmyfeetplantedontheground,I

easedmyselftoastandingposition.Pushingbackthedullache,Imovedtowardthedoor.RightbeforeI
headedout,Icaughtsightofmyselfinthemirror.Therewasmybareasshangingoutfortheworldtosee.

Huh.

Thehallwaywasbusy,lotsgoingon.Thiswasperfect.MyfeetfeltlikeleadasImovedtoanopen

chairacrossfrommyroom.Tuckingmyridiculousgownundermylegs,Isatbackandwatchedaspeople
buzzedbyme.

MyfreedomlastedanhourandahalfbeforeNurseVikkiTaylorfoundme.
Herarmswerefoldedoverherlargechest,herscrubswereabrightlimegreen,andher—yup—Crocs

hadlittledecalsthroughthetoes.Nocomment.

“Mr.Lopez,”hereyesnarrowedinonme,“whatonearthareyoudoingoutofbed?”
“Iwantedtoseeyouagain.”Iflashedherakillersmile.“Doyoufeelthat?”
“What?”sheasked.
“That.”Icarefullyreachedforherhandandsawherblushassheglancedattheotherladieswatching.

“The connection we have.” She rolled her eyes, but I could tell I had her. “Oh, Nurse Taylor, what is
goingoninsidethatbeautifulheadofyours?”

“Mr.Lopez.”Shescowledbutdidn’tremoveherhandfrommine.
“Areyouthinkinginappropriatethoughtsaboutme?”
“No!”Hervoicewentup,butshelovedthis.
“You are a dirty little nurse, aren’t you?” I rose to my unsteady feet. “Look, now you’re making the

otherladiesblush.”Ilaughed,butthenIsawMiawalkingnexttoDr.Evans,whowavedgoodbyebefore
shespottedme.

“Mr.Lopez,bed,now!”NurseTaylorflickedherwristtowardmydoor.“Moveitalong.”
“Okay, okay.” I raised my hand then turned and heard them gasp at my bare ass. “Just something to

remembermeby,ladies.”

Someonelaughed.“Oh,he’sterrible!”
“I’dbiteit!”someoneelsechimedin.
Iwavedovermyshoulderandshutthedoortothecellbehindme.
NurseTaylorcameinandputmyIVbackin,andthewholetimeshelaughedandblushed.Shepushed

apainkillerintotheneedleandwarnedmenottoleaveagain.

Needlesstosay,Ifellasleepprettyquicklyaftermyjourneyoutinthehallway.Plus,themedication

didn’ttakelongtokickin.

***

Ihatedschool;Ididn’tfitin.FightingwashowIkeptthebulliesatbay.Kidsweremean,andthey

pickedonmeforhavingadrunkforamother,whereIlived,whatIwore.Ididn’tfitinanywhere,it
seemed. Tears only made the situation worse, and fear seemed to be the only trick that worked with
them.

“Oh,look,Iwonderifthereissomeboozeinthatbagforhismom.Nowonderhedoesn’thavea

father.Heprobablykilledhimselftogetawayfromhisdrunkoldlady!”ItwasthatlittleshitTommy,
wholovedtomakemylifealivinghell.

“Screwoff.”Ihadwaytoomuchofamouthforaseven-year-old.
Fourmoreboysappearedoutofnowhere,andTommy’ssmirkgrewwider.Idroppedmybookbag

andgotintopositiontogetmyasskicked.

“Let’sjustgetthisoverwith.”Myfistscameuptoprotectmyface.
The biggest kid stepped forward and tossed a punch, but I ducked and flew around him. I would

neverthrowthefirstpunch.Ididhavesomemorals.

BeforeIknewit,alltheboysformedacirclearoundme,andtheystartedchanting.

“Trailertrash,drunkentrash…let’sallkickhimintheass.”
Someoneturnedoneoftheboysaroundandkickedhimintheballs.Huh?Apunchtomystomach

broughtmebacktoreality.Iswung,kneed,andkickedblindly,doingwhateverittooktogetthesejerks
offmyback.

Oncethekidsgottheirasseskicked,Ileanedovertocatchmybreath.Mybloodynosedrippedonto

myshirt.Thekidwhohelpedmecameoverandpattedmyshoulder.

“Youokay?”
“Yeah,thanks.”
“I’mCole.”
“Mark.”
“Iknow.”Henoddedandwipedhisbloodybrow.“YoumetmynannyAbigailtheothernight.”
IbitdownonmylipandwishedIcouldhavebeatenhimup.IwassoembarrassedthatheknewI

beggedathishouse.

“Youhungry?”Hehandedmemybackpacklikehedidn’tcareaboutit.
“Yeah,Icouldeat,”Iansweredaftersomehesitation.Westarteddowntheroad.“Thanksforthat.”
“Sure,they’reassholes.”
Ilaughed.ItseemedIwasn’ttheonlyonewhocursedlikeasailor.
WealmostmadeittoCole’sroadwhenIsawthegreenpickuptruckplowingdowntheroadtoward

us.Iknewitwashistruck.

Shit.
Cole sensed my mood change and suggested we take a shortcut. We made it a few yards into the

woods before the truck slowed and its window rolled down. Cole pulled me behind a rock to hide
ourselves.

“Who’sthat?”

***

Ishotforward,gulpinginahugebreath.IwasdrenchedinsweatandfeltasthoughIwasabouttoburst

ifIdidn’tgetoutofthere.

“Getout,getout!”Ismackedthesideofmytemple.
Withanotheryank,Ifreedmyselfandstumbledovertothecloset.Droppingmybagatmyfeet,Ibent

andtwistedasIpulledmyclotheson,whichhurtlikehell,butIhardlynoticed.

Myjeanswereon,andIfumbledwiththebuttonswhenthedooropenedandMiastoppeddeadinher

tracks.Hereyesdroppedtomybarestomach,thenmyopenjeans.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Shetossedherchartonthetable.
“Ineedtogetoutofhere.”Itriedtoraisemyarmsovermyhead,butitwasn’thappening.
“No,Mark.”Sheplacedherhandsonmyshoulderstostopme.“Whathappened?”
Mymindwasspinning.“Ineedtoleave.”
“No,youcan’tleave.”Herhandmovedtomychestovermywildheartbeat.“Youaregoingamilea

minute,here,Mark.Pleasetakeamomentandcalmdown.”

Hergreeneyesheldmineasiftochallenge,andItunedintothecoolnessthatcamefromherpalm.We

wereskintoskin.Shetwitchedandbegantoremoveit,buttomysurprise,myhandlandedontopofhers.

“Notyet,”Iwhispered.
Hereyesneverbrokecontact.“Okay.”
There were two feet between us, but her fresh vanilla smell found me and helped calm the storm

inside.Imentallylitamatchtochasethememoriesaway.IfIwasn’taggressivewiththem,they’dreturn

andhauntmeagainwithinthehour.

Isteppedawayanddroppedmyhead.Ithadbeenalongtimesincethatthoughtsurfaced.
“Nomorepainmeds,okay?Itseemstokindamesswithmyheadsome.”Itriedforasmileandgota

smalloneback.

“Afewmoredaysandyou’llbesprungfromhereandyoucangohome.”Sheturnedawayandgrabbed

her chart. “I’ll get the doctor to come in and see what we can change. Some people have different
reactionsto—”

“No,nomore,please,Mia.I’dratherdomytrippin’onmyowntwofeet,notinmyhead.”
“Okay.”Shesmiled.“Igetit,butputsomeclothesonbeforeIgetAlvintowashthatsweatoffyou.I

haveroundstodo.”Ireachedtogiveheraswat,butshelaughedandbattedmyhandaway.

“Behaveyourself.”Shelefttheroom,chuckling.
Ireturnedtothebed,reassuredbyMia’svisit.
I woke when something soft touched my face. I was too tired to care. I had spent most of the night

staringatthewall,notwantingtogobacktosleep.Again,itbrushedovermycheek.Myeyesfluttered
open,andtherewasKeithgrinningatme.

Great…
“Morning,sunshine.”
“Wholetyouinhere?”IpushedthebuttononthebedsoIcouldsitupright.
Hesnorted.“Aww,someoneiscranky.Theynotfeedingyouenough?”
“Speaking of which, tell me you came to bring me something—” Keith held up a Wendy’s bag.

“Wendy’s?”Igrunted.Iusuallyhatedfastfood,butatthispointIcouldeatthegumunderhischair,Iwas
sohungry.“Gimme!”Isnatchedthebagfromhishandandpulledouttwoburgersandanextra-largefries.

“How’s the tear to your muscle?” Keith kicked his feet up on my bed as he took a huge bite of his

burger.

“Betterthantheknifetotheknee.”
“Ortheglassintheear.”
“Ohhh,yeah!”Icringed.“Thatwasaroughfewweeks.”
Thedoorswungopen,andinwalkedDr.EvansandMia.
“Iseeyouhaveyourappetiteback.”Dr.Evansmadeafaceindisgust.
“Itneverleft.”Ijammedmoreoftheburgerintomymouth.Keithlaughedatmytruestatement.
“A greasy burger wouldn’t be my first food of choice after I’d been shot.” Dr. Evans thought for a

moment,thenlookedpurposefullyatMia.“Iwouldwantafiletmignon,rare,withasparagusandbaked
potato.”Miarolledhereyeswhenheturnedaway.Huh.Thatmademesmirk.

“Tell ya what, Doc, when you get shot, we’ll see if a burger sounds good to you or not.” Dr. Evans

gave me a strange look before he started writing on his chart. “Looks like you’re cleared to go home
tomorrow.”

“Well, a certain little lady will be happy.” Keith balled up his trash and started in on his second

burger.“Livyissuregettingnaughty.”

“SheispartSavi.”Igrinned.Imissedmylittlesidekick.Savannahdidn’tgetawholelotoftimewith

Cole,soKeithandItriedtohelpoutwhereverwecould.

“WhencanIgetclearedforwork,Doc?”
“Afewmoreweeks—”
“We’reneededinthefield.”IcuthimoffandglancedatKeith.
“Gonnabeanepictrip.”Keith’slevelofexcitementhadmyskinampedup.
“Mark,youwereshot—”
“Where’sDr.Flynn?”IhatedthatIsoundedlikeadick,butknewhewouldclearmeearly.Ihealed

quicklyanddealtwithpainbetterthantheaverageperson.Iwouldnotmissthistrip.

Thedoctor’slipscurledoverhisteeth;hedidn’tlikemeover-steppinghim.However,Icouldseehe

wasweighinghisdecisioncarefully.

“Fine,ifthisishowitworkswithyoumen.IguessIhavenochoicebuttoclearyou.”
Mia’sgazesnappeduptohis.“Dr.Evans,Idon’tthinkthat’sa—”
“Notlookingforasecondopinion,Mia.”Withahuff,helefttheroomwhileMiastoodtherewitha

strangeexpressiononherface.

Keithpulledouthisphoneandstartedtotext.ProbablyCole.
Mia sank into the open chair next to Keith. “Mark, if you tear your internal stitches, it can go really

bad,reallyquick.”

“I’llbefine.I’vebeenthroughworse.”
“Itisreallyworthit?”
Ipushedmytrashaway.“Worthittotakedownsomeonewhohaskidnappedandtorturedchildrenfor

sport?Yeah,itis.”

Keith’sheadsnappedup,nodoubtbecauseIwasjustveryopenwithher.Yes,theysignedanNDA,

butstill.

Sheleanedover,grabbedafry,andstartedtonibbleontheend.Keithgrinnedatthebothofus.
“ThelastgirlwhostolefoodfromMarkhadtobakehimcookies.”
Ilaughedatthat.Savannahdidhaveballs,andso,itseemed,didMia.
“Heatemyshepherd’spie,sowe’reeven.”Shewinkedatme.
“So,Mia,what’syourstory?”Keithaskedashetuckedhisphoneaway.
“Don’thavemuchofone.”Shestoodasapagecameoverherradio.
“Mia,patientinroom334isaskingforyou…weneedyourhelp,”thewomanontheradiosaidina

panic.

Herfacefell,worryspreadingacrossherfeatures.“TellKennyI’monmyway.Don’ttouchhisarm.”

Shelookedatus.“Igottago.”

“Seeyouaround,”Keithcalledassheracedoutthedoor.Hetookhistimetoturnhisheadbacktome.

“Youlethereatyourfry.”

“Screwoff.”
Helaughedwhilehereachedfortheremote.
“Oh,you’restaying?”Sarcasmwasthere,butheknewIwantedhimto.

***

Mia

“Noooo!Don’ttouchme!”KennyscreamedasNurseTaylortriedtostickhimwithanotherneedle.“I

wanttodie!”

“Kenny!Youneedtocalmdown.Weareheretomakeyoubetter—”
“Iwillnotbeyourguineapig.”
IpushedthroughtheseaofnursesandmadesurehecouldseeIwasthere.Itookhisrighthandand

gaveitatightsqueeze.Hiswildeyesfoundmine,andIcouldseethey’dpushedhimtoofarbeforethey
calledme.

“Iamherenow.Lookatme.”IloweredmyvoiceandcautiouslymovedtositonthesideofthebedI

knewhewouldaccept.“Nooneelsebutyouandme.”

Hisgripwastightashebroughthimselfoffhisledge.
“Wherewereyou?Ilostyou.”Ipushedbackthetearsthatalwaysthreatenedwhenhesaidthat.

“Alwayshere,Kenny,alwayshere.”Ikissedthebackofhishand.
“I’mscared,”heconfessed,thenhislipstartedtoquiver.“Ijustwanttogohome.”
“Iknow,”mythroatcontracted,“butweneedtogiveyouyourmeds.Okay?”HegaveajerkynodasI

tooktheneedlefromVikkiTaylor.

Kenny’smusclessoonwentlax,andhiseyesgrewheavy.Ifoughttheemotionsclawingtothesurface.

Fatehadascrewedupwayofshowingitwasincontrol.

“Wow,okay,goodjob,everyone.”Dr.Evansappearedatthedoor.“Let’sgetbacktoourrounds.”
Afewofthenursespattedmyshoulderastheyleft.ItuckedKenny’sblanketsaroundhisarmstokeep

himwarm.

“Areyouokay?”Dr.Evansaskedashecameintotheroom.
“Yes.”IkeptmybacktohimasIstood.
“Mia,youcan’tgetattached.”
“I’mnot,”Ishotback.
“I’mhappyyouhaveabondwithKenny,buthistimeisalmostup.”
“Don’t.”Iwhirledaroundonmytoes.“Don’tyoudaretalkaboutsomeoneasiftheyweren’there.”
Evansleanedbackagainstthewallwithaconfusedexpression.Hewouldneverunderstandhowmuch

myjobmeanttome.

“Kenny’sbrainisshuttingdown.Hethinksyou’rehismother.”
“He’sfifteenyearsold.IsitsobadthatIcanbringhimsomedegreeofcomfort?”
“No,” he shrugged, “I’m just nervous you won’t be able to come back after this. It can be any day

now.”

“Ihavetogo.”Ibrushedbyhim.
EversinceIcametothishospital,KennybegantothinkIwashismother.Hehadnoonewhocaredfor

him.Yes,Iwasattached,butforagoodreason.Besides,hewasachild.

IreachedoutforthecounterasItooksomedeepbreaths.AllIwantedtodowaskickandscreamat

theworld.

Dr.Evansappearedandmovedtowardme,soIturnedtheoppositedirectionandhurrieddownaquiet

hallway.

Iletmyselfsinkdownontothecoolfloor,leaningmyheadback.Icouldn’tholdbackafewtearsthat

sliddownmycheeks.

MycellphonerangandIpulleditfree.IhitignorewhenIsawthecallerID.
Withmyeyessqueezedshut,Iletsomepainreleasefrommychest.Itrippedthroughmeandmybody

jerked with a sob. Life was so unfair sometimes. I exhaled a controlled sigh so I wouldn’t lose myself
completely,atoolI’dusedtimeandtimeagain.Noonewantedtoseeanurseupset.Itmadepeoplelose
hope.

“Is this hallway taken?” Mark stood in front of me, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I quickly dried my

cheeks,butitwasnouse,asmoretearsfell.

“Whyaren’tyouinbed?”Myvoicewasoff.
“Oh,youknow,justwantedtogetsomeofthatfreshhospitalair.”Hewavedhishandsoverhisfaceas

ifhetookadeepbreath.Ichuckled.Hewasfunny.“Youlookbeat.”

“Beatdoesn’tdescribehowIamfeeling.”
Hemovedcarefullytositnexttome.
“Yikes,Mark,pleasebecareful.”
“Oh,please,I’mokay.”Heblewoffmyconcern.“Ionlyfakethepainsotheladieswillvisitme.”He

flashedmeaplayfullook.

“You’reterrible.”Withasigh,Itriedtopushtheacheaway.“Soyouleavetomorrow?”
“Looksthatway.”Hestretchedoutthelegclosesttome.

“Whenisyournextassignment?”
Heglancedoveratmeasiftoreadmyface.“Fewdays.”
“Afewdays?”Ishookmyheadathim.“Wow,doyouthinkyou’rereadyforthat?”
Hegrinned,andIcouldseehewas…mentally.
“Isitprettydangerous?”Icouldn’thelpbutask.
Hegaveashrug;Iguessedhegotaskedthatalot.“Italwaysis.”
“Doesn’titscareyou?”
“Nah,it’smoreofarush.”
“Yeah,bulletsflyingbysoundslikearush.”Iraisedmyeyebrow,butIknewIwasoutofmyelement

withthistopic.Kenny’sconditionwasreallypreyingonmetoday.

Hechuckled.“Nottomentionthestabbings,hostages,druglords,bombs,andlandmines.”
MyheadfloppedbackandIclosedmyeyes.“Jesus.Whydoyoudoit?”
Hedidn’tanswer,andIopenedmyeyesandsawhimstaringatthewall.
“I’msorry,Isteppedoverthelinethere.”
“No,notreally.It’sallIknow.It’sbeenmylifesinceIwasseventeen.”
“Doyouhaveafamily?”Thewordsslippedoffmytongue.
“Ido.”Mystomachsank.Whatonearthwasthat?
Markturnedtolookatme.“Ihavemybrothersandmyadoptedmother.Mylifeisdifferentthanmost,

andwomensoonfindtheydon’tlikewhenIdisappearwithoutanyexplanation.It’sabattleallofusguys
fight.Prettyhardtohavearelationship.”

“Thatmustbedifficult.”Istaredintohiseyes;theyseemedtohaveacrazyholdonme.Hisfeatures

werestrongandwell-definedwithasoftundertone.Heexudedconfidence.

“Itcangetlonely,”headmitted.“Whenthegirlfriendstartstoasktoomanyquestions,well,let’sjust

say when we hit that point, you usually have to end it.” Once in a while it can work, though, I told
myself,thinkingofColeandSavi.

“Sorrytohearthat.”
“Mm,”hegrunted,hiseyessearchedforsomething,butIwasn’tsurewhat.
“Ishouldgetyoutoyourroom.”
“Areyouworkingtomorrow?”Hisquestionthrewme.
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Hehobbledtohisfeetinoneswiftmoveandofferedmeahand.Itookit,andhenearlyliftedmeright

offthefloor.Hisbrowneyeslatchedontomine,andhecaughtatearwiththebackofhisfinger.Ihadto
fightthetemptationnottoturnintohistouch.

“It hurts to see such a pretty girl cry,” he whispered near my ear. His breath smelled like a red

Starburst,andmymouthnearlywateredwithwant.

Hisgazeheldminebeforehisfaceslippedbackintoaplayfulmood.Heofferedtolinkarmswithme.

Igavehimasmile.

“What?”heteased.“Imightfall,Mia.Youwantmetofall?”
“Oh,right.”Ibattedhishandbutdidlinkarmswithhim.Holyhell,hisarmswerehugeandashardas

concrete.“Hey,you’reprettywarm,Mark.”Istoppedhimandmovedmyhandtofeelhisforehead.

“Really,here,Mia?”hejoked.“You’reopenlyflirtingwithmeatyourwork?”
“Oh,stop.”Irolledmyeyes,buthedidfeelverywarm.Inoticedhiseyesfoughtnottocloseatmy

touch.

“NurseTaylorisnotgoingtolikethis.”Hiseyeslitupwithadramaticsigh.“Dowhatyoumust.”His

armsspreadopenasiftoletmefeelallaroundhisbody.

Ihadtolaugh.“Howdoyoufeel?Really?”

“WhenIamaroundyou?Oringeneral?”
Mycheekswentwarm.“Doyouflirtwithallthewomeninyourlife?”
“Mostofthewomeninmylifearemyauntsormysister-in–law,sono,notoverly.”
Itriednottosmile,butsomethingaboutbeingaroundMarkwasinfectious.
Hestartedustowardhisroom.“However,thereisLivy.Thatbeautyhasmewrappedaroundherlittle

pinky.She’smybabyniecewhorunstheshipbackhome.”

“Livyisasweetname.”Ilovedthathespokeaboutherthatway.Itshowedalotabouthischaracter.
Hisarmmuscleflexedwhenhesteppedwrong,butheignoreditandstartedrightbackupagain.
“Don’tlethersweetnesstrickyou.Shehashermother’sfeistinessandherfather’sstubbornness.The

threeofthemareadeadlycombo.”

“Soundslikeyou’reallclose.”Ihelpedhimbackintohisbed.
“Well,we’refamily,soyouknow.”
Igavealittlenodandpushedawayyetanotherpainfulfeeling.
“Whataboutyou?”
“Me?”
“Yes,you.”HesmiledasItuckedthecoversaroundhim.
“Bothofmyparentsaretogether,andnosiblings.”
“Youclose?”
“CloseasIwanttobe,”Iansweredtruthfully.Itookhistemperature,butitwasfine.
“JustnaturallyrunhotwhenI’mnearyou,Iguess.”
“IwishIdid.I’malwayscold.”Iplacedmyhandonhisarm.“See?”
Hishandfellonmine.“AndI’malwayswarm.See,we’reagreatmatch.”
Iturnedtoleave,buthecaughtmyhandlikelasttime.“Willyousaygoodbyetometomorrow?”
“Yes.”IwaitedfortheunexpectedlumptoslidedownmywindpipebeforeIfinishedanswering.“Of

course.”

***

Homedidn’tfeelsogreatuntilIhitmybedfullyclothedandwassoonoutcold.

“I just don’t understand why you only want to be a nurse, Mia,” Mom complained from my

doorway.

“IlovewhatIdo.Doesn’tthatcountforsomething?”
“No,notwhenyou’rewastingyourtalent.”Thesoundofmyfathercominginhadmereachingfor

thehandle.

“Mylife,myway.”Iclosedthedoorinherface,gentlysoastonotbedisrespectful,buttomakemy

point.Itwasmylife,andthelastthingIneededwasmyfatherbringinghisopiniontoo.

Hot,stinkybreathfilledmynoseandwokemefrommyusualnightlyloop.Twoiceblueeyesstared

backatme,thenhistonguelickedtheentirelengthofmyface.Thisseemedtobehisnewthing.

Gross.
“Morning,boy.”Irubbedrightbehindhisear.“Youmustbehungry.”
Hebarkedandjumpedoffthebed,takingsomeoftheblanketswithhim.Igroanedandflippedoverto

seethetime.Ohshit!

Thirty minutes later I ran through the front door of the hospital with a bagel stuck in my mouth. My

Chuckswereuntied,andmyjeansandasweaterwerebarelydrysinceIsnaggedthemdirectlyfromthe

dryer.

“Iknow,Iknow.”IwavedatDr.Evans,whopointedtohiswatch.Mylockerwasbythedoor,and

aftertwotriesIfreedthelock.Itossedmystuffinsideandstruggledintoapairofdarkbluescrubs.

IcheckedinonKennyfirst,butheseemedtobestableatthemoment,thoughtodayhelookedpaler

thannormal.IwonderedwhatkindofGodwouldbringsuchalovelyboytothisplanet,onlytostriphim
ofeverythinghelovedthenofferhimaslowdeath.

ItuckedthelollipopIpickedupforhimyesterdayinhispocketlikehismotherusedto,andgavehima

quickkissonthehead.

“Mia.” Nurse Taylor called out my name, but I held up a finger as I opened Mark’s door. I stopped

whenIsawhisroomwascompletelyclearedout.

What?
“Iwantedtotellyouhegotclearedtodayandhadtoleave.”
“Howlongago?”Ifeltaheavybeltcincharoundmychest.
“Anhourandahalf.Guesstheygotcalledouttoworkorsomething.”
Isankontothebedthathadalreadybeenchanged.
“I’msorry.Iknowhewasafriendofyours.”
“Yeah,hewas.”IsighedasVikkihandedmeanenvelope.“Heleftthisforyou.”
IwaitedforhertoleavebeforeIopenedit.Myfingerranalongthesealandbrokeitopen.

Iwantedtosaygoodbyeinperson.So,we’lljusthavetoputitonhold.Fornow,I’llsay,
Seeyoulater,Mia.
Mark.

My stomach twisted. I’d known this man for two weeks. Did I really care that he left me a note? I

tuckeditinsidemypocketandheadedouttoworktherestofmyshift.

CHAPTERTHREE

Location:Mexico

Coordinates:Classified

Mark

“Here.”Colehandedmeacoffeeashetookaseatnexttome.Weweresettohitahouseinten,butI

neededamomenttogetmyheadonstraight.

It had been three weeks since I left the hospital in North Dakota. I hated that I left without saying

goodbye.

“What’s going on with you? Are you sure you are up to this? I was afraid it might be too soon,” he

askedashecheckedhisgunclip.

“I’mgood,it’snothing,”Ihuffed,onlytogetapointedlookfromhim.“Justthinkingaboutthings.”
“Like?”
“Likepersonalthings.”
“Yeah,and…”Colepoppedapieceofhisnasty-assguminhismouth.“It’sthegirlfromthehospital,

isn’tit?Magg—”

“Mia,”Icorrected,butstoppedwhenIrealizedhe’dtrappedme.
“Didyougethernumber?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Why?What’sthepoint?”Ifinishedmycoffeewhileawaveofmiserysweptoverme.“Alwaysends

thesameway.”

“Well,she’shot,I’llgiveherthat.”
“She’smorethanthat,though.”
Cole took a moment to twist his absent wedding band around his finger before he answered. We

weren’tsupposedtowearanythingpersonalincasewewerecaptured.“OnethingI’velearnedfromSavi
isthatourjobisn’teverything.”Helookedup.“You’vebeenthroughenoughshitinyourlife,Mark.Ifyou
really like this girl, then go for it. If it’s just a physical thing, then get her out of your system. No one
wouldfaultyouforfallinginlove.They’dfaultyoufornot.”

“Loveisastrongwordtouseforonlyknowingthegirljustoveramonth.”
“Maybe,butlookatSavi.Ifellforapictureandwasluckyenoughtogetthegirl.”
“Yeah,”Ilaughed,“someonetokeepyouinline.”
“Fuckoff.Let’sgogettheseassholes.”
Weallhadabadfeelingwhenweenteredthehouse.Somethingwasoff.Thedoorcreakedandshook

asitopened.Sunlightshonethroughtheblackbarsonthewindows.Cigarettesmokewaspungent,andI
forcedbackthememorythatracedupmyspine.

We moved inside with caution, one behind the other. A leaky faucet and a sink full of half-washed

dishesprovedwewerenotalone.Amomentlater,wefiguredoutwhy.

“Move!” Cole screamed when a grenade bounced then rolled at our feet. All I could hear was my

heartbeataswebothranaroundthecorneranddovebehindacouch.

There was a moment between when you actually registered the threat and felt the danger. It was a

momentintimewhenyousawallthechipslaidoutinfrontofyou,andyouwonderedifthiswouldbethe
lasttimeyouwouldtakeabreath.WillIlivetoseeanotherdaywithallmylimbsintact?

Thesoundtraveledthroughtheair,hittingmyearsrightbeforeIwasliftedandslammedintoawall.I

landedonmysidehard,butwasonmyfeetamomentlater.Stumblingaroundlikeadisorienteddrunk,I
blinkedtoclearmyvison.Thehousewasfilledwithdustanddebris,andthewoodenmantelwasblown
toshit.Withmygunraised,IretracedmystepstowhereIhadlastseenCole.

Ifoundhimunderacollapsedtable,outcold.Shit.
Withashakyhand,Ipressedthebuttononmyneck.“RavenTwotoFoxOne.”
“FoxOnetoRavenTwo,whatthehellishappeninginthere?”Paulbarkedovertheradio.
“Raven One is down. Repeat, Raven One is down.” Just as I heard someone behind me, a rifle butt

was swung, going for my windpipe. Slamming my body weight forward, I managed to buck the fucker
away from me. I pulled back fast and popped two into his chest. I was about to turn when something
crashedintomyhead,andmybodydroppedlikearock,mybrainseeingstars.Iheardashot.

Keith’sfaceappearedasmyattackerfelltothegroundnexttome.Hiswide-openeyesstillcarrieda

shockedexpression.

“Good?” Keith helped me to my feet, holding me firmly. My head felt light and I had vertigo, but I

noddedforhimtoletgo.WebothgrabbedColeandcarriedhimoutofthehouse.Hisfeetleftatrailinthe
dirt,sowehadtotakethelongwayaroundthroughtheshrubs.Noneedtoadvertiseourdirection.

PaulandJohnracedtohelpustotheRover.Myvisionwasblurryandmyheadpounded,butnothing

matteredwithColelyingunconsciousontheseat.

Thehelicopterridewaspainful,butCole,strappedtighttoabackbrace,wasstartingtostir,andthat

wasagoodsign.

Like many times before, we were met with an EMT squad on the tarmac and raced to the hospital

elevators.KeithandIstayedbyhissidethewholeway,andJohnandPauldiddamagecontrolbackatthe
house.SomeonewasgoingtoneedtotameSavannahtokeepherfromchargingoverhere.

Mollywasthefirsttogreetus,andshestartedtobarkoutorderstotheothersastheypagedDr.Flynn.
“Whathappened?”Mollyshoutedoverthechatter.IsawMiaraceover.
“Grenade.”
Mianearlyfrozewhensheheardme.Sheshookherhead,thenorderedthemtotakeColetobedsix.
Shehurriedtostandinfrontofme.Herhandswenttomyface,thenretractedwhensherealizedwhat

shedid.“Areyouokay?”

Ilookeddownatmyblackgear,twogunsstrappedtomyhip,aknifeonmythigh,andIlookedlikeI

was…well,likeIwasnearlyblownupbyagrenade.

“Yeah,I’mokay.”
Shereachedupandgentlytouchedmyhead.Hercoldfingersimmediatelycomfortedme.“Youneeda

CTandstitches.”

“Stitches,”Icountered,“butonlyifyouaretheseamstress,”Ijoked.
Herchestfellasshehuffedinfrustration.“Fine,comeon.”
She led me to a quiet room where she told me to sit on the bed and carefully cleaned my cut. The

feelingintheroomchanged.Isensedshewasupsetbythewayherbreathinghadchanged.

Itriedtolightenthemood.“Wehavetostopmeetinglikethis.”
“I’mguessingthatgrenadewasn’tfriendlyfire?”
“Friendlyfire?”Ilaughedatherchoiceofwords.
“I work in a place where I hear lots of terms. You would be surprised what comes through those

doubledoors.”Herheadloweredandsheletoutasigh.

“Hey,”Itippedherchinsoshe’dlookatme,“what’swrong?”
Hermouthtuggedupononeside,butIcouldtellshewasn’thernormalplayfulself.“Justbeenalong

coupleofweeks.”Withashakeofherhead,sheforcedasmile.“Sodidyoucatchthebadguys?”

Isatstraighter,mybody’snaturalreactionwhenIthoughtofthemenwe’dkilled.Iwasn’tproudofthe

number of deaths I’d been part of, but I wasn’t bothered by them either. The men we killed had done
terriblethingstogoodpeople.

“Yeah,youcouldsaythat.”
Shemovedinfrontofme,betweenmylegs,andheldmyheadsoIlookeddownather.“How’syour

vision?”

Shelickedherbottomlip.Isilentlybeggedtoknowhowshetasted.
“Nocomplaintshere.”
Her smile touched her eyes and made them sparkle. Her nose had the perfect downward slope that

madeherpinklipspop.Herlong,shinyhairsmelledfreshlywashed,andasoft,sweetscentlingeredon
herskin.ShewasquitepossiblythemostbeautifulwomanI’deverseen.Itmademewanttotouchher…

“Iwishyou’dletmebookyouaCTscan,”shesaid,interruptingmythoughts.
“I’mfine.”ItriedtodecidewhichplaceIwouldkissfirst.
“Whatifyou’renot?”Sheletgoandsteppedback.
“Wouldyoucare?”
“Yes,” she blurted, then tried to fix her outburst. “I mean, of course, you’re my patient. And I care

aboutallthosepeople.”

“Thosepeople?”Igrinned,lovingthismoment.
“Youknowwhat,onsecondthought,I’msureyou’refine.”Shemoved,andsodidI.
“Ahh…”Fuck,myside.
“That’sit.Takeoffyourscary-lookinggear.”
“Really,it’s—”
“Mark,please,”shenearlybegged,“letmedomyjob.”
Istood,mychestalmosttouchinghers,andcarefullystartedremovingmyvest.Myt-shirtwassoaked

with sweat, and some blood soaked through over my shoulder. She helped me peel the fabric from my
soretorso.Herlonghairbrushedbymystomach,andIswalloweddownamoan.Itfeltsosoft.

Againhereyesgrazedovermybody,andeverywheretheywent,Ifeltaslightpulltowardher.
“WhyamIalwaysnakedaroundyou?”
“Perksofthejob,”sheteased,andIcouldseeshewascomingaround.
“Thatperkcouldgosouthrealquickwiththatoldguyacrossthehallway.”
Shelaughedandfeltaroundmystomach.
“So,amIgonnalive?”
“Today,Ithinkyouare.Liftyourarmsaboveyourhead.”
“Yes,ma’am.”
She peeked up at me from below her long bangs. Her cool, soft hands slid all around. “Hurt

anywhere?”

“Notwhileyou’redoingthat.”Igaveahuffathertouch.Iwantedtobedoingthesametoher.
“Ithinkyouhavetwofracturedribs,and…”herfingerswalkedalongmyside,“someprettyintense

bruising along your side here. Let me go grab you some tape. I’ll check on how your friend is doing,

okay?”

“Nopainmeds.”
Shestoppedtolookbackatme.“Iremember.”
After Mia left, Nurse Alvin came in and taped me up, under Dr. Evans’ orders. I saw I had a little

competition.AfterIgottouchedatadmorethanIneededto,Idressedandheadedbackintothewaiting
roomwheretherestoftheteamwaited.

NurseTaylorcameoverandgaveusanupdate.
“Mr. Logan had a pretty good hit to the head. He’s stable and will be released within forty-eight

hours.”Sheglancedatmewithashysmile.

“Areyouundressingmewithyoureyesagain,NurseTaylor?”Sheblushedandlaughedasshewalked

away.

“Okay,I’mheadingout.”Keithroseandflickedhisheadtowardtheotherguys.“Markseemsathome

here,sohecanbabysit.”

Iwavedastheyheadedforthetruck.Afteranhourofstaringatthewall,Idecidedtowanderabit.It

didn’ttakelongtofindher,andIhungbackandlistenedfromthedoorway.

Shehadherbackturnedtomeassheheldontoakid’shand.Theyseemedclose.Shesmiledandran

herhandsthroughhishairafewtimes.

“Youaresospecial,Kenny.”Shekissedtheirhands.
“Iloveyou,Mom.”Mystomachsank.What?
“AndIloveyou.Timeforanap,okay?”
Henoddedandclosedhiseyes.Miastartedtosing“Sittin’ontheDockoftheBay”byOtisRedding.I

couldn’thelpbutleaninandlistentohervoice.WithSavannah’spianoskillsandMia’svoice,wecould
haveabandsoon.

I smirked at the thought, mainly because I had never thought about a woman like that. Melanie was

great,but…Ipushedasidethatdarkcloud.Ilovedmyjob,butitcouldbeabitdepressingthinkingabout
thefuture.

I was lost in her words when she suddenly stopped singing. I snapped out of my fog and saw her

staringatme.Herfacewaspaleandhereyesglazedover.

Shestood,tuckedintheboy,thenwhiskedpastmeandouttothenurse’sstation.
“Hey,Mia.”Iranafterher.“Whoisthat?”
“Apatient.”
“Isheyourson?”
“What?”
“Iheardwhathesaidtoyou.”
“Thatwasprivate.”Tearsrimmedhereyes.
“Mia!” Dr. Evans’ voice sliced through the tension. “I could use your help, if you could spare a

moment.”Helookedoveratme.“Yourfriendisinroom346.”Igotthepoint.

“Excuseme,”Miamadeherwayover,herheaddownandhershouldersslumpedforward.
“Becareful,Mark.”NurseTaylorpretendedtoorganizeherpaperwork.“That’satouchysubjectfor

her.”

“Isheherson?”
“No.”Sheturnedawaywhenanotherdoctorcameupandhandedherastackofcharts.
“Mr. Lopez,” Dr. Evans appeared at my side, “I understand you are here for your friend, but he’s in

room346.”

“Soyou’vementioned.”Icouldtellhewasannoyedwithme.
“Ineedyoutoleavemystaffalone.”
“YoumeanMia?”Isquaredmyshoulders.Wewereaboutthesameheight,butIhadapproximatelya

hundredpoundsonhim.

NurseTaylorrolledhereyesathim.Itookitthey’ddealtwithhimbefore.
“Imeaneveryone.”
Withawink,Islappedhisshoulder.“YouknowtheLogansinvestalotoffundsinthishospital.We

spendagreatdealoftimehere.”

“Yourpoint,Mr.Lopez?”
“Mypointisyouwillbeseeingalotofmeandmymen.”Igavehimagrin.“Andit’sMajorLopez.”
Movingpasthim,ImademywaytowardCole’sroom.
“There’smysunshine.”
“Die.”ColestaredatthegreenJell-OthatwiggledasIproppedmyfeetuponhisbed.
“Donefakingityet?”Ipulledoutaproteinbar,knowingColelovedthem.
“Iwantsome.”
“Nah,”myeyesrolledbackinmyhead,“notenoughtoshare.”
“Fuckyou.”
“Aw,issomeonecranky?Theynotfeedingyouenough?”IenjoyedmyselfasItossedhiswordsback

athim.

HepushedtheJell-Ooutofhissight.“WhencanIgetoutofthisplace?”
“Forty-eight.”
“Fuckme.”Hisheadfellback.
“It’sfuckmesideways,”Imumbledthroughamouthfuloffood.Colegavemeanannoyedlook.
“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tcall—”
“TheMrs.”Iinterrupted.“Yeah,Ikindofliketokeepmyballswheretheyare,thanks.”
Colelaughed,thensquintedwhenthepainkickedup.“God,Ilovethatwoman.”
“Andweareallthankfulforthat,butifyoutwocouldstopactinglikerabbitsinyouroffice,thatwould

benicetoo.”

Heshruggedshamelessly.Coledidn’tcareheandSavannahwerealwaysstarvedforoneanother.
“Speakingofhotandheavy,youfindyoursexynurse?Maya?”
“Mia?”
“Yeah,”hesmirkedwhenIcorrectedhernameagain,“Mia.”
“IseemtohavesomecompetitioninDr.Evans.”
“Theprettydoctor?”Colelaughed.“Ithinkhegetshiseyebrowswaxed.”
Imadeafaceathiscomment.“ThedayyoucatchmeinaspaisthedayIdie.”
“Amentothat,brother.”
IentertainedColeuntilhepassedoutaroundsix,thenIwatchedTheKillinguntilIfollowedhimin

sleep.

Thenastygreenvinylchairnearlykilledmearoundfoura.m.Iwasentirelytoobigforsuchatinyseat.

MyattemptatbeingquietfailedmiserablyasIknockedintothetableandtheglassSnapplebottletipped
andcrashedtothefloor.

“Door,now!”Colepointedwithoutopeninghiseyes.
“I’mfine,thanksforasking.YoucanpayformytherapywhenItellyouwhatthatarmrestdidtome

earlier.”Isaunteredoutoftheroomwithagrin.

Thehallwaywasdim,andonlytwonurseswereatthestation.Idecidedtowanderaroundinsearchof

somecoffeeormaybeanopenbed.

I’dwatchedenoughTVtoknowtherewasanon-callroomthenursesusedwhentheywereonbreak.
Three hallways and twelve doors later, I found an open room for the staff. With a glance over my

shoulder,Islippedinside.

“Oh,yes,”Icooedandcurledupontheratherlargecotandpassedoutinamatterofseconds.

***

Mia

Thelastsurgerywenthorribly.Iwatchedaten-year-oldgirlfightforherlife,onlytohaveitslipaway

when we were closing. She had been in the front seat when she and her mother were hit by an empty
schoolbus.Hermotherdiedonimpact,butthedaughterhadasixtypercentchance.I’dlostfourkids—
well, now five—since I started working as a nurse, and nine adults. It didn’t matter how detached you
werefromthem.Toloseachildpatientleftyoufeelinglikenothinganyonecouldexplain.

Iflickedonthelightandjumped.Markwasinmyon-callbed.Withaquickpeekdownthehallway,I

moved to close the door behind me. I was so tired, and this bed was so comfy with its pillow-top
mattress.

Isatontheedgeofthebedandcarefullyshookhisshoulder.
“Mark,”Iwhispered.“Mark?”
Hiseyesopenedandhesquintedatme.“Oh,shit,I’msorry.”Hestartedtomove,butIstoppedhim.

“Hey,”hishandcameupandtouchedmycheek,“you’vebeencrying?”

MychindippedandIlookedaway.“Roughnight.SomenurseIam,cryingovereverypatient.”
“Soundslikeyouneedthismorethanme.”
“No,”Itriedtosmile,“it’sokay.Idon’tthinkIcansleepanyway.”
Hemovedtoleanhisbackagainstthewallandpattednexttohisleg.“Whydon’tyoujustsitwithme

forabit?”

IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’dallowedmyselfsomecompany.Iguesseditwouldn’thurt.
Withatwist,Isettledinnexttohim.Hisbodywasmuchlargerthanmine,andtheheatthatradiatedoff

himwascomforting.

“You’refreezing.”Hepulledtheblanketovermylapinacaringway.Iwasn’tsurewhyIlethimdo

that,butsomethingabouthowmuchheseemedtoliketotakecareofmewas…nice.

“Icanneverseemtogetwarm.”IyawnedandcoveredmymouthwhenIrealizedImighthavecome

offrude.“Sorry.”

Hegrantedmeasexysmile.“Forwhat?”
“Foryawning.It’sbeenaday.”
“Soyoumentioned.”
Inoddedasmyeyesgrewintenselyheavy.“Lostalittlegirltoday.”
“I’msorry,Mia.”Hewrappedanarmaroundmyshouldersandgavemeahug.“Ifithelpsany,Ido

knowhowthatfeels.”Heremovedhisarm,andIfeltasuddenchill.

“Itdoes,thanks.”Ishiveredandmovedcloser.Hemovedhisarmsoitcoveredmoreofme.
Ididn’tremembermuchmorethanthat,butIdidknowthatwasthefirsttimeinalongtimeIwentto

bedwarm.

I opened my eyes at the sound of the door clicking open. It was the cleaning crew, who backed out

whentheysawtheroomwasn’tempty.Iwasverycomfortable,andittookmybrainaboutthirtyseconds
to realize I wasn’t alone. I scrambled to a sitting position and looked over at Mark propped up in the
corner,andIapparentlywasusinghisshoulderasapillow.

Oh my God! I wondered who else saw us this way. This was not okay. People could get fired for

sleepingwithapatient.Thefleetingthoughtthathewasn’tactuallyapatient,perse,wasbrushedasideas
I slipped quickly off the bed. What was I thinking? With a glance over my shoulder, I saw he was still
passedout.Therewasapartofmethatwantedtosnugglebackdownandsleepforanothertwelvehours.

IstraightenedmyhairasbestIcouldandglancedatmywatch.

Shit!Iwaslatetoprepareformynextsurgery.Dr.Evanswantedmeoneveryoneofhisoperations.

Hesaidwewereagoodteam,butIthoughthejustwantedtogetinmypants.Hewasniceenough,but
likemostdoctors,prettyfullofhimself,andhewassimplynotmytype.

AsmuchasIdidn’treallywantto,IshookMark’sshoulderuntilhiseyesflutteredopened.Alazygrin

appeared,andmykneesnearlyfailedme.

“Youneedtoleave.Theotherstaffwillbeinheresoon.”
“Okay.”Hesprangupandrubbedhisface.“Didyousleep?”
“Likearock.However,Icoulduseanothertwenty-four.”
“Whendoyougetoff?”
Istoppedfixingmyscrubs.“Umm,fivehours.”Henodded.“Igottago.Ihavesurgery.”RightbeforeI

openedthedoor,Iturnedtohim.“Whendoyougoback?”

“Tomorrow,Ithink.”Hecaughtmyexpression,butIrecoveredquickly.
“I guess I’ll see you around.” I left because I didn’t like the knot that formed in my stomach when I

thoughtabouthimleaving.

***

“Greatjobinthere.”Dr.EvanscameupbehindmeasIhurriedtowardthenurse’sstation.“Wemakea

greatteam.”

“Yeah,”wasallIcouldthinkoftosayback.Foursurgeriesinoneshift,andIwasaboutdone.
“Mia.”NurseTaylor—Vikki—poppedoutfrombehindthestation.“Thiswasleftforyou.”Shegave

measmile,thenscowledatDr.Evans’shadowbehindme.

“What is it?” I peeked in the bag just as she set a steamy cup of coffee in front of me. My mouth

wateredasshehandedmeanote.

Eatsomething,you’llfeelbetter.Mark.

IgrinnedasIpulledoutabreakfastsandwichandtookahugebite.
“Ohh,sogood,”Imoaned,forgettingpeoplewerethere.Normally,Ionlyateonce,sometimestwice

throughoutmyshift.Ineverseemedtostop.

“Who’sthisfrom?”Dr.Evansaskedashepeeredovermyshouldertoseethenote.
“Afriend.”IsnatchedmycoffeeandhurrieddownthehallwaytoCole’sroom,whereIhopedtofind

Mark.

BytimeIhittheroom,mybodywasalreadyrecoveringwiththeprotein.Thecoffeewastheicingon

thecake.IopenedthedoorandcaughtsightofagorgeouswomanleaningoverCole’sbed.

“Goodmorning.”IpulledCole’scharttoseehowhisnightwent.
“Oh,Mia,”Colepulledmyattention,“thisismywife,Savannah.”
“Nicetomeetyou.”Savannahofferedherhandforashake,andIreturnedit,butnotbeforeshegavea

funnylook.

“Nicetomeetyoutoo.”
ShesmiledatCole,whoshookhishead.Whatwasgoingon?
“So,Mia…”Savannahcameovertomyside.Shewasstunninginapairofblackleggings,aswoop

necksweater,goldearrings,andbangles.MyfeetwereenviouswhenItookinherblackheels.“Tellme
something,Mia.Areyousingle?”

Inearlychokedonmycoffee.“Idon’tdothreesomes.Nooffense.”
“Oh,shit.”Colesputteredashelaughedintohispillow.

“Nonetaken.”Savannahdismissedmylastcommentcheerfully.“No,Iwasjustaskingforcuriosity’s

sake.”

Thedoorflewopen.“NurseTaylorisonedirty—”Markstoppedwhenhesawme.“Iseeyougotmy

gift.”

“Idid,thankyou.”IsmiledbuthadtolookawaywhenIfeltmycheeksheat.“Ifeelalotbetter.”
“Goodtohear.Howwasyoursurgery?”
“Better than yesterday’s.” I caught his grin, and his teeth looked sparkling white against his dark

complexion.

“I’mhappytohearthat.”
“So,Mia,whencanIgetthisguyhome?Wehavesomecatchinguptodo.”SavannahheldontoCole’s

handasshesatnexttohim.Thelovepouringoffofthemwaspalpable.

“Ahh…”Ihadtoforcemygazeaway.“IwillgograbDr.Evans,butIthinkhe’llreleaseyoulatetoday

ortomorrowmorning.”

“Okay.”SavannahleaneddownandgaveColealongkiss.
Markwaswatchingme.
“I’llleaveyouthreebe.”
“Yeah,thanks.”Marksnickered.“Wait.”Heopenedthedoorformeandcloseditbehindhim.Hehad

changedintogreenarmypantsandablackt-shirt.Jesus,hewassolideverywhere.

“CanItakeyoutodinnertonight?”IpausedwhenIsawDr.Evansroundthecorner.“Justsoyouknow,

Idon’ttakerejectionwell.”

Thismademelaugh.“That,Icansee.”
“So?”
“Mia,”Dr.Evanscalledoutandstartedwalkingourway.
“Didhechipyou?”Markasked,annoyed.
“Huh?Um,whattime?”
Hegrinnedandthoughtforamoment.“Six.Here,”hehandedmeacard,“textmeyouraddress,andI’ll

pickyouup.”

“Okay.”
“Mia!”Dr.Evansshoutedmyname,andafewofthenursesstoppedandstared.“Ihavebeenpaging

you.”

“I’msorry.Ididn’tgetany…”Icheckedmypager,andtherewasn’tonefromhim.
Dr.EvanslookedatMarkthenbackatme.“Youneedtoremember,Miathatyouworkhere.It’snota

hangout.”

“Wow,”Markhissed.
“Sorry,itwon’thappenagain.”Itriedtocalmthestormthatmighttouchdownheresoon.“Ishouldget

going.”IturnedtoMarkandhelduphiscardsoheknewIwasstillinfortonight.

***

My entire closet was piled on my bed while I picked something to wear. Butters watched,

unimpressed,whilesprawledontopofmypillows.Hesensedtherewasn’tgoingtobeanysharedpizza
tonight.

Ifinallybrokedownandtookoutmyphonefromundertheheapofclothes.

Mia:Hi,attheriskofsoundinglikeachick,whatdoIweartonight?

Amomentlatermyphonebuzzed.

Mark:WehavereservationsatTheToastyTies.Myapologies.Saviisnowgivingmeshitfor

nottellingyouearlier.

Iburstoutlaughing.SomethingtoldmeSavannahandIwouldgetalongreallywell.

Mia: Not a problem. (I say that because Savannah is giving you shit, and I don’t have to.)

Thanks.:-)

AfterIGoogledtherestaurantandtriedonthreemoreoutfits,Idecidedonablackwrap-arounddress

thathitjustabovetheknee.Iwasgoingforsexy,butnottryingtoohard.Withmyred-bottomheelsandmy
hair long and in waves, I stared at myself in the mirror. His face appeared, and I closed my eyes. I
couldn’tgothereyet.

Itidiedup,gaveButterswater,andtookamomenttobreathe.Wow,Iwasreallynervous.Ithadbeena

longtimesinceI’dbeenonadate-date.

BzzzzzzzBzzzzzz.Myintercomwentoff.Ihurriedoverandpushedthelittlesquarebutton.
“Hello?”
“Hey,there,prettylady.”Hisvoicehadasmallrasptoit,whichmadehimevensexier.
Shit,ithitme—didIaskhimup?OrdidIjustgodown?Shit,shit,shit!Iglancedattheclockandsaw

thereservationswhereinthirty.Iwentwithmygut.

“I’ll be right down.” I closed my eyes and hoped he was okay with that. I pressed the button to say

something when I heard him talking to someone. Screw it. I gave Butters a kiss, ignored his pathetic
expression,andhurriedtotheelevator.

IstoppedintheentrywaywhenIcaughtsightofhim.Mystomachtwistedasmygazedroppeddown

thelengthoftheman.Hisdarkbluedressshirtwastuckedneatlyintoablackpairofdresspants.Hishair
wasstyledalittleinthefront,andhisskinlookedflawless.Oh,myGod,wasIgoingtobeabletodo
this?Onlytwoscrapeswerevisiblefromhisencounterwiththegrenade,rightathishairline.

Ialmostchickenedoutwhenheturnedandsawme.Thatamazing,deep,sexygrinofhisspreadacross

hislips,andhishandslappedhischestasifImadehisheartjump.Hestoodstraighterashereachedfor
thehandle.

“Hey,”heheldthedoorforme,“youlook…amazing.”
“Thankyou.”
Heledmeovertohisrentalcarandopenedthedoor,andIeasedmyselfontotheleatherseats,going

forgraceful.Inoticedhehadturnedontheheatedseatforme.Lightmusicflowedfromthespeakersashe
pulledontotheroad.

“Prettyneatplaceyouhavethere.”
“Thanks,”wasallIcouldcomeupwith.Idiot.“How’sCole?”
Hechuckled.“Savannahmadehimbehonest,andnowtheyareforsurekeepinghimovernight.”
“Ilikeher.”
Heeyedmefromtheside.“Yeah,she’sapistol,thatone.”
I wanted to ask about the safe house, but that would only lead to more questions, so I left that topic

alone.

“Howwastherestofyourshift?”
“Well,”Igavehalfagrin,“exceptforanotherass-chewingfromDr.Evans,itcouldhavebeenworse.”
“Whathisdeal,anyway?”
“Idon’tknow.”AndIreallycouldn’tcareless.

Oncewewereseatedoutontherestaurant’spatio,Ibegantorelax.Weorderedwineandfishtacos.

Theplacewasneat,fancybutcasual.Conversationflowedeveneasierafterthesecondglassofwine.I
reallydidenjoyhiscompany;hehadagreatsenseofhumor.Thewayhelookedatmemademefeellike
weweretheonlyonesthere.

“Whatareyouthinking?”heasked,andIrealizedIhadbeenstaringathim.Heleanedforward.“Ican

tellwhenyou’relying.”Hewinked.“Perksofmyjob.”

“Well,that’sabitunfair,don’tyouthink?”
“Hardly.”
“ButI’matadisadvantage,here.”
Heleanedback.“No,you’rereallynot.”
Istoppedandthoughtaboutwhathewastellingme.Iclearedmythroat.“Ihaven’tdatedalot.It’sjust

surprisingmehowmuchI’menjoyingyourcompany.”

“Why?”
Ishruggedandtookasipofwine.“You’resoeasytobearound.”
“No,”hechuckled,“Imeant,whyhaven’tyoudatedmuch?”
Oh,yeah.Mycheeksheatedtothepointofpain.Hegrinnedbutdidn’tpointitout.
“Justhaven’thadthetime.”
“That’sacop-out.”
My mouth twisted, and I knew he could see I was lying. “My last relationship was rough. I think he

likedmyparentsmorethanme.”

“And?”heaskedboldly,buttherewasasinceritytohisquestion.
“AndwhenIfoundhiminbedwithourneighbor,Iendedit.”
“Ouch,I’msorry.”
“Thanks,butinsomewaysIwasalmostrelieved.Iwasn’thappy.Heknewthat,butdidn’tcare.”
“Whywereyourelieved?”
Inspiteofhowpersonalthequestionswere,itactuallyfeltgoodtotalkaboutit.“Iwasn’tinlove,and

I didn’t know how to deal with it all. His cheating did hurt me, but in some ways I understood why it
happened.Iworkalot,andhewasstillinschool.Heworkeddays,Iworkedalotofnights.Squarepeg
inaroundholekindathing.”IstoppedwhenIrealizedwereallyweretheonlyonesleftintherestaurant.
“I’msorry,thiscan’tbeveryfunforyou.”

“ButIasked.”
“AndIrambled.”
“Ilikedthat.”
“Why?”Itwashisturntoshare.
“BecauseIlikeyou,Mia.”Ismiledathimashestudiedme.
Insertbigoldknotinmythroat.
This is a bad move, Mia. Either be honest, or let him go. My internal warning meant nothing,

apparently,asIstartedtospeak.

“Ilikeyoutoo,Mark.”
He stood and offered me a hand. Once I was on my feet, he threaded his fingers through mine. I

couldn’thelpbutnoticehowniceitfelt.

“Walkwithme?”
“Sure.”
Myfeetweresoreaftermybusyweek,butIpushedpastit.Wewalkeddownthemainroad,andasthe

sundisappeared,sodidallitswarmth.Markstoppedatthecarandwrappedhissuitjacketaroundmy
shoulders.

“Thankyou.”

Hesmileddownatmeashetookmyhandagain.Itfeltsonaturalwalkingnexttohim.Hewasstilla

strangertome,butIfoundmyselfwantingtoputmyselfentirelyinhishands.

Music poured out of a small pub, its tin roof amplifying the sound. Mark looked down at me, and I

nodded,knowingwhathewasabouttoask.Weheadedin.

***

Manuel

Mynoselookedtwosizesbiggerandbledlikeasieve.Theiceinmyglassmadetheringonthetable

growasIstaredatit.Paindancedaroundinsidemynasalcavity,remindingmeofwhatwentdownan
hourago.Ileanedback,restedthebagofpeasovermyface,andclearedaspaceonthetableformyfeet.
Mygunsat,loaded,onmythighincaseanyonehadfollowedme.

Iflickedmyeyesopentomakesurethemoneywasstillthere.Nineteenthousandinfivestacksonmy

livingroomtable.Itwasdirtymoney,takenfromapimpinManhattan.Itsatinthelockerforthreemonths
until I was sure it was documented. I logged into the evidence locker to check a weapon for a case. I
knewtherookiecop’sschedule.Hewaspredictable,tookasmokebreakeverytwohoursonthedot.I
waitedforhimtoleavebeforeIstolehiskeyandopenedthebackcage.Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’dbeen
backthere,andIknewtherisks,butwhatchoicedidIhave?

Ituckedthebagbetweenmychestandvest,butitwasreallythickandnoticeable.Ileanedbacktosee

if the coast was clear. Tearing the evidence seal, I dumped the money on the table and started tucking
stacksofbillsintomydressshirt.Thewholetime,myearsweretunedforanyechoofsound.

AsIshovedthelaststackofbillsinandbuttonedmyshirt,Irealizedthestackswereshort.Thesumof

currencywasnoticeablydifferentthanwhatweactuallybustedthepimpfor.

Whatthefuck?
Thebuzzoftherookie’spasscardmademyheartpoundasIjammedthebagintomypocket.Iforced

myselftomoveatanormalpaceandclosedthedoorbehindme.AsIbegantoturn,Iheardhim.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
Ipulledoutmypen-sizedflashlightasIcircledthecountertobewhereIwassupposedto.“Sorry.”I

noddedattheflashlight.“Droppeditonmywayout,anditrolledbackthere.”

Hegavemeastrangelookashenoddedandmovedbehindthedesk.Thekeytothelockerburnedinto

myhand.Fuck,Ineedtoreturnit.

“Youplayinghoopstonight?”Ileanedmybodyoverthecounterinalazymanner.
“Nah, the sergeant has me on a double shift down here. Don’t know what I did to burn his ass.” He

checkedhisphone,butdidn’tturnaround.

“Shittydeal.”That’swhenIsawhisbottleofCoke.“Oh,what’sthat?”Ipurposelyreachedoverand

knockedhisdrinkwithmyarm.Ittippedanddrainedontohispaperwork.

“Damnit!”Hejumpedforapapertowel,andthemomenthedid,Ihookedthekeybackunderthelipof

thedesk.

“Sorry,man.”Ileftinahurry.
Once outside, I texted Noah and got the address for the next game. My hands nearly shook with

excitement.

***

Mia

Iwaspositivelygloating.
“Oh!Major,youreallymissedthatshot?”Ilaughedoverthemusicthatblared“OldTimeRockand

Roll”byBobSegerandtheSilverBulletBand.

Wehadbeenplayingpoolforthepasthour,andIwaskickinghisass.
“You’realittledistracting.”Hepointedtomychest.
IpurposelyleanedoverateenybitmoreasIwenttotakemynextshot.“Leftpocket.”Itappedthecue

ballandgingerlyplacedmysecondtolastballinthepocket.Iroseandgavehimaplayfulsmirk.“You’re
up.”

He raised an eyebrow in a way that made my last comment into a dirty one. I rolled my eyes and

laughed.

“Quitstalling.It’syourloss.”
“Mmm.”Heleaneddown,andImirroredhimacrosstheway.“You’readirtyplayer.”
“Why,Mark,areyouscaredImightactuallywinthisgame?”
“Whydon’twemakethismorefun?”Hechalkedtheendofhispoolcue.“Ifyouwin,Iwillcarryyou

backtothecar.”Hepointedtomyheels,knowingtheywerekillingme.

“Andifyouwin?”
Hemovedinfrontofme.“Youletmekissyougoodnight.”
Deal.
“Idon’tknow,Mark.”Igrinnedplayfullyandheldmycomposuretogethersomehow.“Canyoukissas

wellasyouplay?’Causeifthat’sanyindication—”

He leaned off to the side and sank two balls into two different pockets. He continued to sink every

singleballinamatterofminutes.Whenhewentfortheeightball,hestaredrightintomyeyesandsankit
withouthesitation.

I felt an invisible tug in his direction. I had never wanted to rip my clothes off and take someone in

publicmorethanIdidrightthenandthere.

He strolled in my direction until we were chest to chest. I couldn’t help but press into him a little

more.

“Iwin.”Hiseyesflashedsomethingelsethatnearlyleftmespeechless.
“Shame.”
Hissmilereturnedasheremovedthepoolcuefrommyhand.“Ithinkweshouldgo.”
Icouldn’tagreemore.
Heslippedhisjacketoffthechair,tookmyhand,andhurriedustothefrontofthebar.
Itwaspouringrainwhenwesteppedoutside.Markcoveredmewithhisjacketandrushedusdownthe

walkway.Wehopped,skipped,andjumpedaroundpuddles.Whenwewaitedforthelight,atruckcame
byandsoakedus.

Ithrewmyheadbackandlaughedintotherain.MarklookedatmelikeIwasnuts,butthenjoinedin.

Therewasnouse;weweresoakedheadtofoot.Wemightaswellembraceit.

Wecrossedthestreetandhurriedunderasmallbistroawningforabreak.
Mark’sshirtclungtohissolidbody,whichmadeithardtofocus.
“Cold?”heaskedashecamecloser.Hemovedmydamphairoffmyface.“You’refreezing.”
“I’mallright.”
Heleaneddownandscoopedmeup.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Carryingyou.”
“Icanseethat,butwhy?”
Therainbeatdownonusashemadeittohiscar.“Youhavebeenonyourfeetallday.”

“Really,Mark,I’mfine.”
“MaybeIwantedtoholdyou.”
Thatshutmeup.Hecouldbesoboldandsweetatthesametime.Ipressedmycoldcheektohiswarm

shoulderandlethisheatwarmmyface.

I felt like ice on the way home. Mark turned up the heat, but it was no use. His hand held mine, but

whenIresteditonmythigh,healmostjumpedathowcoldIwas.Heshookhishandandplaceditonmy
bareskin.

“Jesus,Mia.”Hemovedhishandbackandforth,tryingtomakefriction.
Sweetmotheroflust,hefeltamazing.Mysouthernregionswerebeggingmetodothesametohim.
Hepulledupinfrontofmybuildinginrecordtime.ThankGod,becauseIwasamess.
Onceinsidetheelevator,thesexualvibeheightened.MyhandsshookasItriedtounlockmydoor.It

wasalovelymixoflustandcold.

“Wow,”Marksaidashesteppedintomyapartment.“Theviewisamazing.”Hemovedtolookover

thecityastherainbeatthewindows,sendingadrumsoundthroughoutmyplace.

“Can I offer you a drink?” I opened my fridge. Thankfully, my neighbor had dropped off some

grocerieslikehenormallydid.

“No,notadrink,”hesaidfrombehindme.Hisfrontpushedintomyback.Heclosedthefridgeand

spunmearound,andhishandscuppedmyfaceashestaredintomyeyes.

“Iwanttokissyou.”Inoddedashetookhistimetolowerhismouthtomine.Assoonasourlipsmade

contact,Iwaslost.

Hisbodypressedagainstme,makingthecontainersontopofthefridgerattletogether.Heliftedmeoff

thegroundandgentlyplacedmeontopofthecounter.Staringintomyeyes,hepushedmywetdressup
andmovedbetweenmybarelegs.

Hepulledawaywithapant.“Sorry,Ican’tseemtocontrolmyselfaroundyou.”
Ipulledatthetieandopenedmydress.“Seemswe’rebothonthesamepage.”
“Idon’thavesexonthefirstdate,Mia.”Hiswordswerestrained.“Idon’tdoonenightstandseither.”
Myarmhookedaroundhisneck,andIwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.“Meeither,butit’seither

youormyvibrator.”Yeah,thatwasblunt.

“Damn.”Hisbreathflowedacrossmyface.“Iknewkissingyouwouldbeadangerousslope.”
Iwassurehemeantthatasacompliment,butIfeltlikeIwasbegging,andthatwasgross.Ireleased

hiswaistandcoveredmyselfup.

“Maybeyoushouldgo.”
WhatthehellamIdoing?
Hepulledmeoffthecounter,walkedmeacrosstheroom,andplacedmeinfrontofthewindow.The

nightmadethecitysparklebelowus.

“Lookatyourself.”Hestoodbehindme,hisarmswrappedaroundmymiddle.“You’resoakingwet,

yourdressisclingingtoyourskin,andyourhairsmellslikevanilla.”Heleaneddownandsoftlykissed
my neck. “You’re beautiful, Mia.” His fingers ran down my jaw. “Not just here,” he pointed to our
reflection, “but here.” His strong hand covered my heart. “If I slept with you tonight and then left, how
wouldthatmakeyoufeel?”

Mystomachsank.Hewasright.Itwouldn’tfeelright,notwithhim.
“Don’tyouthinkwedeservebetterthanthat?Betterthanaonenightstand?”Histeethnippedatmy

ear. “When we make love, I want to wake up with you in my arms, and kiss you right here.” His lips
dragged down the slope of my neck and stopped where it joined the shoulder then pressed with more
pressure.

Iswallowedhardandfoughttheurgetomoan.
“Ilikethat,”hewhispered.

Everythingwasjumbled.“What?”
“That I can make that look appear in your eyes.” I glanced in the window. “Like hunger mixed with

heat.”Hesuckedaspotonmyshoulderanddrewmyskininward.“Ilikeyou.”

Istartedtospeak,buthisfingerhookedmychinandurgedmetolookathim.
“Ilikeyou,Mia.That’sthethirdtimeI’vesaidittonight.I’moldschool.Abigailraisedmeright,andI

don’twanttoruinthegreatthingwehavehere.”Hiseyesnarrowedinonmine.“Butdon’tbemistaken.I
wantthisasmuchasyoudo,ifnotmore.”

His lips dove down and smothered mine. I couldn’t think; I could barely stand. I hadn’t had anyone

speaktomelikethatbefore.Somanyemotionsweresurfacing.AllIcoulddowasholdonuntilmylegs
grewweakandIbegantosink.Hescoopedmeupandplacedmeinbed.Hecarefullyhelpedremovemy
dress,leavingmeinmybraandpanties.

Heremovedhisclothes,everythingbuthisblackbriefs,andcrawledinnexttome.Hishotbodywas

heavennexttomine.

“Iwanttofeelyouagainstme.”
Hissmoothchestmovedtomyback,andhewrappedmeinhisstrongarmsandbreathedmein.
“Perfect,”hemutteredbeforehislipstouchedthenapeofmyneck.“Justperfect.”
ThatwasallIrememberedbeforeIpassedoutinawebofwonderfulwarmth.

***

Mark

What?Thehell?Whatthehellisthatsmell?Iwasexhaustedbutsomehowfoundthewilltoopenmy

eyesandfoundasetofbrightblueonesstaringbackatme.

Ohshit!
Mymindracedbacktolastnight.Nope,nodogswerepresent.
Onemomenthewasstaringatme,andthenexthisbigpinktonguelickedfrommychintomyhair.
“Morning…”Hisgreentagdangledinmyface.IsmirkedattheSouthParkreference.“Butters.”
ButtershadsomehowjammedhimselfinbetweenmeandMia.Great,afuzzycockblocker.Hisface

tippedtoonesidelikehewaswonderingwhythehellIwasinhisbed.Irubbedhissoftfur.

“Nicetomeetyou.I’mMark.”Helickedmyhandandgroanedashesettledbackdown.
Myphonebuzzedinmypants,andImimickedhisgroan.
“Butters,”Iwhispered,“gogetmyphone.”
HeyawnedandlaidhisheadonMia’sshoulder.
“Idon’tblameyou.”ItossedthecoversasideandscrambledarounduntilIfreedthephone.
Really?
“Thisbetterbegood,Cole,”IhissedasImovedtowardthekitchen.
“Youneedtocomehome.”
“Why?”
Silence.
“Cole?”
“Hewantstotalktoyou.”
“Who?”
Thenithitme.Angerburnedthroughmyveins,whichinturnmademehurttobeinmyownskin.Not

again.IglancedatMia,whowasnowwearingaButtersfurscarf.

“HowmuchtimedoIhave?”

“None.I’mdownstairs.”Colehungup.
Fuck!
Ihurriedbacktothebedroomanddroppedtothefloortobeeyelevelwithher.
“Mia?”Ishookhershoulder.Hereyesopened,butIcouldtellshewasn’tthere.“Ineedtogo.”
“Ah-huh,”shegroaned.
Igrabbedmyclothesandwroteheraquicknote.

Welcometomylife.Mark.

Withthat,Ileft.
Noonesaidawordaswedrovetothehelipad,flewtoShadows,andhurrieddowntothehouse.
ColemotionedformetofollowhimintohisofficeasSavannahracedtogofindOlivia.
“Here’stheemail.”Hehandedittome.“Iguessitcamethroughthedaybeforeyesterday.”
Quicklyscanningthewords,Ifeltthatfamiliarrocklandrightinthecenterofmystomach.Iusedto

haveitlodgedinmygutallthetimewhenIwasachild.

Mark,
Iamintrouble.Ifyoudon’trespondsoon,Iwillhavetofindyoumyself.
Manuel.

“Okay.”Ishrugged.Ididn’twanttodealwiththisintheleast.“Isayweignoreit.”
“He’salreadycontactedFrank.”
“What?”Ishotoutofmychair.“How?”
“He’sgotconnections.Youknowthat.”
“Damn!”Myfistpoundedhisdesk.“Ican’tdeal.Iwon’tfallintothispitagain,Cole.”
Cole leaned back in his chair and let out a long sigh. “I’ll get Frank here, and we’ll discuss this

further.”

“Everygoddamntime!”Iclawedattherootsofmyhair.Ihatedthis.“Ineedtorunorsomething,work

outthisshit.”Ilefttheroom.Halfwaydownthehall,IranintoSavannah.

“Hey, Uncle Mark.” She held Olivia up to see me. “She missed you. So did you ever find out who

Keith’sdatewasatmywedding?”

Inoneswoop,thatlittlespitfirewasinmyarmsforasnuggle.Shesmiledandblewmeaspitbubble.

“Nope,UncleKeithdoesn’tdopersonalstuff.”Ipuffedmycheeksoutandmademyeyeswide—aface
shelovedtobatat.“Youareoneluckylittlegirl,Livy.”Savannah’sfacefell.

“What’swrong?Areyouokay?”
“No,”Isaidthroughasmile.IrubbedmynoseoverLivy’sassheopen-mouthdrooledontomychest.
“Youknow,Ireallyhateitwhenyouguyskeepthingsfromme.”Herchinrose,andIknewshehadher

backup.

“Sameoldcrap,differentday.”Igaveherawink,butIcouldtellshewasupset.
“Isthatso?”Shebrushedbymeandswungopentheofficedoor.
“Hey,babe.”
“Don’tbabeme.WhatisgoingonwithMark?”Sheplantedherhandsonherhips.Icameupbehind

her.Livystartedtowigglewhenshesawherdaddy.

Coletooktwopillsbeforehestood.“Manuelislookingforhim.”
Savannahwhirledaroundtolookatme,andherhandscoveredhermouth.
“There’smygirl.”ColetookLivyandkissedhertuftofhair.“Daddymissedyou.”
“Mark,”Savannahtouchedmyshoulder,“whatdoyouthinkhewants?”

Ishookmyhead.“Myguessishegothimselfintroubleagain.”
“Buthe’sapoliceofficer.Can’thegetsomeoneelsetofixhismesses?”
“Whywouldheriskhisjob,whenhehasme?”Ismiledather.“Look,don’tworry,Savi.Icanhandle

him.”Iranmytonguealongmyteeth.Mymouthfeltdry.“Idoneedtogoburnoffsomesteam,though.”

“Marioishere.”Savanahmadeafacewhensherealizedwhatshejustsaid.
“And how would you know that?” Cole’s tone didn’t match his expression. We all tried to keep the

stressoutofLivy’slifethebestwecould.

“Inpassing.”Shemadeaguiltyface.
“Mark,taketheafternoonoff,”Coleordered,thenturnedtoSavannah.“IthinkMommyandIneedto

talk,littleone.UncleMarkwilltakeyoutoAbigailforabit.”

Livy and I hurried out of the room before their fight and make-up session got in full swing. “Who

knows,Livy,theymightgiveyoualittlebrotherifMommykeepsgettingcaughtinthatboxingring.”She
gavemeagummysmileandlaughedwhenshepulledatthecollarofmysweater.

“You’rehome!”Abigailwrappedmeinherarmsandgavemeoneofherlovinghugs.Livypulledat

herhairandscreamedindelight.Littlecrap.“I have dinner on, but there is a quiche in the fridge, and
Savannahmadecookiesbeforeshejoinedyouatthehospital.”

PlacingLivyinherbouncychair,Isankontothestoolandleanedovertheisland.
“Problem,honey?”
“Hewantstoseeme,”Iwhispered.
Shestartedtopourmesomemilk.“Who?”
WhenIdidn’tanswer,shefroze,andthemilkpouredovertherimoftheglassandflowedacrossthe

countertop.Ireachedoutandtookthecartonfromher.

“Waa...”Sheclearedherthroat.“Whydoeshewanttoseeyou?”
“Notsure.”
Shesankontotheseatnexttome.“Okay,okay,wewilldealwiththis.Justlikelasttime.”
MyheadhitthecounterandIsqueezedmyeyesshut.
“Whydon’tyougogetsomesleep?”
“Yeah.”Ipeeledmytiredbodyoffthestoolandheadedupstairs,whereIpassedoutuntilmorning.
I threw myself into early morning training, working harder than normal. If my muscles weren’t

screamingatme,Manuelwas.That’showIspentthenexttwelvedays.

Workout.
Eatatonofcarbs.
Sleep.
Repeat.

***

Manuel

The man in front of me at the bank had the worst smell. I tried to occupy myself by identifying the

stench.Itwaslikeahomelessmancoveredintomatosauceafterbeingsprayedbyaskunk.Iwasn’tthe
onlyoneaffectedbyhisodor.Theladybehindmekeptclearingherthroatandlookingpointedlyathim.

Iglanceddownatthepaperinmyhand.Wejustarrestedanidiotforfilingafalsecomplaintagainsta

customerwhopissedhimoffatthecornermarket.IdecidedtohelpmyselftohischeckbooksinceIwas
inneedofsomefastcash,andbecausehehadpissedmeoff.

“Next,”theclerksaidfrombehindtheglass.Thepieceofhumantrashmovedaway,andIwasfinally

abletotakeadeepbreathoffreshair.

Iwatchedasthetellerscounted,gaveout,andreceiveddifferentamountsofmoney.Itmademegiddy

seeingallthatcashtransferringhands.MaybeIneededtothinkaboutrobbingabank.

I cashed the check I had made out for five hundred and followed the offensively stinking man to the

parkinglot.IwaiteduntilhewasbehindatruckbeforeIpulledoutmybadge.

“Money,now,”Idemandedwithmyhandrestingonmyweapon.
“What?”
“Givemeyourmoney.”Isaiditslowersohewouldn’tquestionmeagain.Ihatedstupidpeople.Don’t

allowtimetothink;that’showyougetyourselfkilled.

Hecarefullyreachedforhiswallet,butthenheleapedforwardandchargedatme.Ielbowedhimin

thehead,andhefellatmyfeet.

“Really?”Ishookmyhead.“ForChrist’ssake,takeadamnbath.Yousmelllikeafuckingtrashbin!”I

spat at him as I plucked the cash from his wallet. I dropped it by his head and hurried off, thinking he
damnwelldeservedtoberobbed.

***

Mark

Frankhadbeenawaythepastfewdays,soIkeptbusy.Colecheckedinoften.Iknewthehousewas

worriedaboutme,butIwasfineaslongasIstucktomyschedule.IcravedanotherassignmenttoMexico
whereIcouldletoffsomesteamwithoutgettingintotrouble.

My morning run up the mountain felt great, but nothing could shake the dread that stemmed from my

past.Weallhadsecrets,andminewererooteddeep.Itdidn’thelpthatManuelwastheonlyonetherethat
day.

“Stop,”Imuttered.“Don’tgothererightnow.”
Itookaseatonacoolrockandlookedoverthelakeandtriedtoclearmyhead.Imunchedonaprotein

barandsippedmywater.Ithoughtaboutmylifeandhowgoodithadbeen.Whydidhehavetoshowup
againandruinit?Ineededadistraction.

Mark:Hi,thingshavebeenabitrougharoundhere.Justwantedtocheckin.

Afewmomentswentbybeforeitvibratedinmyhand.

Mia:Crazyheretoo.SorryImissedyourlasttwocalls.I’vebeenthinkingaboutyou.

Ifeltthecornerofmymouthtugupward.

Mark:Soyoumissme?

Mia:Kinda.ThoughIthinkIforgetwhatyoulooklike.

Ismirked,thenpulledatwelve-year-oldgirlmoveandtookaselfie.Iattachedittothetext.

Mark:Iwantthismountedaboveyourbed,inabrownframetomatchmyeyes.

Mia:Damn,you’vebulkedup.ImaynotrecognizeyouthenexttimeIseeyou.

Amomentlater,apicturecamethroughofherinherbluescrubsinthenurse’slounge.Herhairwas

sweptupintoamessybun,andhersmilemademebeam…IwasgladIwasalone.

Myphonealertedmetoanothertext.Iopenedittoseewhatshehadtosaywhenmystomachdropped.

Cole:Frank,thirtyminutes,conferenceroom.

Mark:10-4.

IswitchedbacktoMia’scontactinformation.

Mark:Sorry,havetorun.I’lltrytocallyoulater.

Mia:Noproblem,besafe.

ItippedmywaterandletitflowdownthebackofmythroatbeforeIracedbackdownthehillwith

Miaonmymind.Ireallymissedher.

“Wow,Lopez,you’vebeenworkingoutextrahard.”Franktookinmysize.Ihadbulkedupabit,butI

didn’tthinkitwasthatnoticeable.

“Ha!Someonehastokeepinshapearoundhere.Howareyou,Frank?”
WealltookourseatsatthelongwoodentablewhileSavannahplacedcoffeeandcookiesinfrontof

us.Shegavemyshoulderasqueezebeforesheleft.

“Okay,” Frank opened a file and cut right to it like normal, “Manuel got hold of me two weeks ago

lookingforyournumber,Mark.”Ishiftedinmyseat.“Noworries,Ididn’tgiveittohim,butIdidpass
alongyouremailsinceIknewhealreadyhadit.Whenhedidn’thearbackfromyou,hetriedmeagain.
Saiditwasahugeemergency.”HetossedaPost-Itacrossthetable.“Let’sgiveOfficerLopezacalland
seewhathewants.”

Colegavemeanod,thenbrushedhisfingeroverhislips—ourcodethathehadmyback,nomatter

what.

Withaswipetomyjeanstoclearthesweatfrommyhands,Idialedonthespeakerphone.Threerings

later,hisvoicebarkedovertheline.

“Manuel!”heofferedasagreeting.
“Beenawhile.”
Adoorshutonhisend,andhisfootstepsechoedloudly.
“Tookyoulongenough.”
“Beenbusy,Manuel.”
“Howhaveyoubeen?”
“Heardyou’vebeenharassingmycommander.Youhavemyattentionnow.Whatdoyouwant?”
“TypicalMarine,aren’tyou?Nothingfriendly,allbusiness.Can’ttakesometimeforme?”
Mytemperwasabouttoshowitself.“Threeminutes.”
“Look,I—ah,gotmyselfintoalittletrouble.”
“Shocking…”
“I’vehadtoskimoutoftheevidencelocker.Adealthatwentwrong.”
“Poker?”
“Yeah.”
Frankreachedforapenandstartedtowriteonapadofpaper.

Howmuch?
“Howmuch?”
“Fifty-fivethousand.”
Fuckme!
Ipreparedtospeak,buthecutmeoff.
“Thatwasjustthefirsttime.”Myeyesshut.“Itbecameabitofaproblem.Anyway,Ididn’tknowthe

sergeantsuspectedsomething,andnowtheyhavemeontape.”

“AndhowamIsupposedtohelp?”
“Mark,”hisvoicechangedtotheoneIrememberedfromourdarkdays,“rememberIsaweverything.I

helpedyougetoutofthere—youoweme.”

“It’sbeentwenty-fouryears,Manuel.Youcan’tjustfuckupandexpectmetocleanupyourmesses.

Thatcloudyouholdovermecoversyoutoo.”

Manuelclearedhisthroat.“Ihaveyouonvideo.”
“Allthatcouldshowisatraumatizedlittlekidtotallyoutofhismind.Notlikethey’regoingtotryme

foritnow.”

“Perhaps, but do you really want the truth getting out? Besides, you’re not the only one who has

connections.”

“Thenuseyours.”
Frankwarnedmetorelax.
“YoumakinganymoretripstoNorthDakota?”
ColelungedforwardandmutedthelineintimeasIjumpedoutofmyseat,yelling.
“I’llfuckingkillyouifyoutouchher!”
“Okay,” Cole held up his hands, “this is a game changer, Mark.” He looked at Frank. “What do you

suggest?”

“Idon’twanttoknowwhoisinNorthDakota.Tellhimyou’llseewhatyoucandojusttobuyussome

time.”

Iunmutedthelineandtookadeepbreath.“Givemesometime,andI’llseewhatIcando.”
“Thereheis.”Manuellaughed,andmyhandcurledintoaball.“She’sverypretty.”
I lowered my head to the speaker and leveled out my voice. “If you touch her, kiss our arrangement

goodbye.”

***

Mia

“Whydon’tyouplanatriptovisit,dear?”
“Idon’thavethetimetotakeoffrightnow,Mom.”Ipacedaquietroominthehospital.
“Youalwayssaythat.”
“Becauseit’strue.Ihavepatientswhoneedme.”
“Sweetheart,you’reanurse,notadoctor.Youcantakeaweekendoffandvisityourfamily.Wemiss

you.”Ipressedmyheadtothewall.“EversinceyoumovedtoMinnesota,youhaven’tvisitedusonce.
Maybeweshouldcomethere.”

“No.”Icutheroff,hatingthatIliedtomyparentsaboutwhichjobIactuallytook.“Look,I’llseeabout

gettingatickettocomeoutthisweekend.”

“Splendid.”
WillDadbetherethisweekend?

“IsDadthere?”
“No, sweetie, Dad is away right now. Some hunting thing. Lord knows with him. But if he knows

you’recoming,youknowhe’llworkhistimearoundyou.”

Mypagerstartedtovibrate.“Hey,holdonasecond,Mom.”Ihitthebuttononmyradioandspokeinto

themic.“Goahead.”

“Mia,weneedyourhelpwithKenny.”
“I’llberightthere.”Ispokebackintothephone.“Mom—”
“Iknow,youhavetogo.Loveyou,Mia.”
“Loveyoutoo,Mom.”Iraceddownthehallway.
“Kenny!”Dr.Evansnearlyshouted.“Youneedtocalmdown,andyouneedtotakeyourmedication.”
“Getout!”Kennyscreamedthroughhistears.“Don’tfuckingtouchme!”
Iwantedtorunintheoppositedirection.Kennywasgettingworse.Ihatedthateveryonewasright.I

wasblindedbymyloveforthekid.

“Where’sMia?”NurseTaylorcalledout.
“Wepagedher!”anothervoicesaid.
Mytearswerealreadyonthesurface.HowmuchlongercouldIdothis?
“No, you have poison on your hands.” Kenny kicked the tray on the table, and I heard everything go

flying.“Where’smymom?”

Shit.Isteppedaroundthecornerandrushedtohisside.
“Kenny,”Igrabbedhishead,“lookatme.I’mhere,rightherebyyourside.”
Hiseyesdartedashesearchedhisbrainuntilhemadeourconnection.
“Mom?”Hischestheavedwhilehelookedaround.“Theytriedtokillme.”
“No,”Ikeptmyeyeslockedonhis,“theyneedtogiveyouyourmedicinesoyoucangetbetter.Don’t

youwanttogooutsidesoonandplaylacrosse?”Ipointedoutsidetowherethesunwashoveringoverthe
mountains.“TheonlywayyoucangetoutofhereisifyoulistentoDr.Evansanddoasthenursessay.”

Hisgriponmyarmssoonrelaxedandheleanedbacktostareattheceilinglikehenormallydidwhen

heknewIwasright.

Dr.EvansgavemeanannoyedlookashepushedtheneedleintotheIV.Ididn’tstickaroundtofindout

why.

Iburstthroughtherooftopdoorsinneedoffreshair.Whenmyhandslandedonthecoolmetalrailing,I

letouttheloudestscreamIcouldmuster.Itjustwasn’tfair!Ididn’tknowhowmuchlongerIcouldhandle
this.Iclosedmyeyesandthoughtofhersweetface.

“Imissyousomuch,Kiley.”

***

IwaspleasedIwasabletogetawindowseat.MyearphoneswereonimmediatelysoIcouldtunethe

worldout.Hozierfoundmystressandhelpedcalmme.

Myphonevibratedonmylap.

Mom:Whatisyourflightnumber?

Mia:IhadtoflyintoND.AA768

Mom:Travelsafe.Xo

Oncewetoucheddown,Igrabbedmyluggageandhurriedtothedoors.
“Mia!” Mom shouted with arms wide open. I raced toward her and nearly knocked her over. “Oh,

sweetie,youlooksogood!”

“Hi,Mom.”IburiedmyheadintoherhairandsmelledthecomfortIlongedfor.
Shepulledbacktolookatme.“Areyouallright?”
No,butIwasn’tabouttodampenourmood.
Ilinkedmyarmthroughhers.“Yes,justtired.Let’sgetoutofhere.”
HomewasexactlyhowIrememberedit,wideopenwithaseasaltbreeze.Thelasttimeweallmetup,

wewereatourcottageinNewYork,andbeforethat,itwasArizona.

I opened the patio doors and leaned over the rail. The ocean sparkled, reminding me how much I

missedit.

“Mia,”Momcalledfrommydoorway,“youwanttogoforawalkorgrabsomethingtoeat?”
“Where’sDad?”
Herfacefellslightly.“HehopestobebackSunday.”
Ofcourse.Probablyforthebestanyway.
“Awalksoundsnice.”
Followingourfootprintsbacktothehouseawhilelater,wedecidedtositforabit.Wecaughtupon

everyone, and I learned my cousin Gab married one of my best friends in high school. That wasn’t
surprising,consideringhehadalifelongcrushonthegirl.

“So,”Mom’sshoulderbumpedmine,“whenwereyougoingtotellusthatyoutookthejobinNorth

Dakota?”

Iduckedmyhead.“Howlonghaveyouknown?”
“Iwantedtosendyouflowers,andwhenIcalledthehospital’sflowershop,theysaidnoonebythat

name worked there. So, after some more calls, I heard my only daughter failed to mention she took the
otheroffer.”

“I’msorryforlying,Mom,butIhadtotakethatjob.”
Sheshrugged.“Iguess.I’mjustworried.Eitherway,it’snotgoingtoendwell.”
“Iknowthat.”Mytoesburiedfurtherintothesand.“It’sjustsomethingIneedtodo.”
“You’renothismother,Mia.”
“But I’m all he’s got. I might as well be. Mom, you’re like his grandmother. You could visit him

sometime.”

Momclearedherthroat.“Hedoesn’tknowmeanymore.”
Idismissedhercomment.IknewKenny’sconditionhurteveryone,butthatdidn’tmeanweshouldgive

uponhim.

“Maybenot,butIbringhimcomfort.”Iblinkedthetearsback.“Besides,itlookslikeitmayonlybea

matterofweeks.”

Momreachedoutandtookmyhand.“Lifecanbeunfairalotofthetime.”
“DoesDadknowItookthejob?”
“No,Ifiguredyouwouldtelluswhenyouwereready.”
Ileanedmyheadonhershoulder.“Thanks.”
Wespenttherestofthedayrelaxingandcatchingup.Iusedtobeveryclosetomyparents,butonceI

decidedtogotonursingschool,myfatherdidn’tunderstandwhyIdidn’twanttobecomeadoctor.There
wereafewthingsmyfatherandIdidn’tseeeyetoeyeon.

“You’vebeencheckingyourphonealot,”Momobservedasshesetthesalmononthetable.Idoveinto

herfamousgardensaladfromhergreenhouse.“Youwaitingonacall?”Ipouredsomewine,whichmade
herlaugh.“Oh,aboy?”

Mygringrewbigger.“Boy?”

“Sorry…man.”
“No.Imean,Ididmeetsomeone,butit’snothing.”
“Ha!”Sheraisedaneyebrow.“Youthinkyou’regoingtogetawaywiththat?Spillit,lady.”
“Okay,okay.He’snice,sweet,hissmilemakesmeblushonthespot.”MyhairfellforwardasIshook

myhead.“Healmostletmewinatpool.”Momlaughed.“Hejustmakesmefeelgood,youknow?LikeI
don’thavetotry,andeverythingjustcomesnaturally.”

“Wow,sweetie,that’sprettyspecial.”
“Yeah,it kinda is, but his job makeshim come and go a lot. So I’mnot sure how easy it will be, if

thereisevenawillleft.”

“Whydoyousaythat?Didsomethinghappen?”
“It’sbeenamonthsinceI’veseenhim.”
“Amonth?Whatdoeshedo?”
Umm…
Ireachedfortheranchdressing,butshemoveditoutofmyreach.
“Mia?”
“Military.” Her face didn’t fall, but it didn’t light up either. “I know, Mom, please spare me the

militarylifeadvice.But…”

“No,sweetie,”shetouchedmyhand,“you’remisreadingmyreaction.IthinkI’mmoreprocessingthe

factthatyouletsomeonein.Afterwhatyouwentthroughwith—”

“Iknow.Ididn’tthinkIwouldeverbeinterestedinsomeonelikethatagain.It’sjustMark,is—”
“Ohhh,onesyllable.”Shewinked.
“Oh,God,no,notthebedroomtalkagain.”Ismackedmyhead,laughing.Mymothercouldgiveabit

toomuchdetailwhenitcametohersexlife.Ihatedthatmyfatherhadaonesyllablename.

“I’monlysayingit’seasytoscream—”
“La-la-la…” I covered my ears like a child. “Mom, please, we have a delicious meal here. Let me

keepitdown,okay?”

“Fine.”Shesippedherwine.“Sowhatdoeshelooklike?”
Ihatedthatmyfacegavesomuchaway.“He’stall,brownhair,perfectteeth,abodythatcouldputany

trainertoshame.”

Momstartedtofanherself.“SweetLordinheaven,myladybitsareonhighalert.”
“Yeah,minetoo,”Imutteredintomyglass.
“So,”Momsaid,changingthesubject,“haveyouspokentoyourbrothermuch?”
Isetmyforkdown.MybrotherandIwerelikeoilandwater.“Nope.”
“Mia,he’sbeenbackforthreeweeks.Youshouldgivehimacall.”
“Phoneworksbothways,Mom.”NicetoknowhesurvivedAfghanistan.
“Hehurthisback,sotheysenthimhomeearly.”
Ipokedatapeppercorn.“Luckybreak.”MybrotherRaywastentimesworsethanmyfatherwithhis

viewsonthings.Wehadn’tgottenalongsincewewereten.

Thetripwasamazing.Ireallyneededmoreoneononewithmymother.Itbotheredmethatshewas

theresooftenonherown.Dadworkedentirelytoomuch,butinfairnesstohim,hedidwarnherbefore
theygotmarried.

MyreturnflightwasontimeandlandedinNorthDakotaatfourthirtya.m.,whichgavemeexactlytwo

andhalfhoursbeforeIstartedmyshift.

Bed called my name, but I had to trudge on back, shower, change, and head to the hospital before I

couldeventhinkoflettingmymindturnoff.

***

“Mia.”Myheadbouncedoffsomethinghard.“Mia,youneedtowakeup.”MyeyesopenedtoMolly.

“Dr.Evansislookingforyou.”

Mysurroundingskickedin,andIswiftlymovedtomyfeetoffthebenchintheER.
“Okay.”Myheadpleadedwithmetogobacktosleep,butIdeclined,notwantingtolosemyjob.I

switchedtoautopilot,knowingIhadtogettowork.

“He’sbeenpagingyoufor,like,tenminutes.”Shelookedannoyed.
ShemovedwhenIdidandstayedcloseasIheadedtothestation.
“You’regettingabitofareputationaroundhere,Mia.”
“What?”Imumbledovermyshoulder.“Forwhat?”
“Forflirtingwiththepatients.”
Ishookmyhead,notevensureIheardherright.Shecontinuedonmyheels,huffingateverycorner.
“And…that you screw in the on call room…” My heels drove into the squeaky floor, and I spun

around.Assoonasshesawmyface,herhandslappedoverhermouth.“Oh,Mia,”shesqueaked,“I’m
sorry.”

“Wow.”Ithreadedmyfingersthroughthetopofmyhairandballeditinmypalm.Iwaswaybeyond

pissed,butIkeptmycomposure.Withasteptowardher,Iwhispered,“MarkandIneverslepttogether.”
Nicetoknowthestaffthoughtwedid.IsworeIheardhersighwithrelief.“Notthatit’sanyone’sbusiness
whoIsleepwith.”

Shegaveaslightnod,butIdidn’ttrusther,whichfeltprettyshitty.IlikedMolly.
I thought I should leave in case she had anything else to say, and if that was the case, I might toss a

punch,andtherewentmycareer.Wow,thatwouldbetwotimesinoneday.EvansandMolly.Fatewas
testingmebigtime.

Avoidingapissedoffdoctorinahospitalwaslikeavoidinganelephantinatinyroom.Itain’tgoingto

lastlong.

Ifeltlike acompletefool infrontof thestaff,and everytime Isawa whitecoat,I duckedtoavoid

meetingDr.Evans.OncewhenIthoughtIheardhisvoiceinthecafeteria,Iranoutintothehalllikean
idiot.

Itwasn’tuntilIwaswalkingoutthedoorthatIcamefacetofacewiththedoctor.
“Mia.Wherehaveyoubeen?”
Ishiftedmybagovermyshoulder.“Rounds,andhelpingoutattheER.”
“Wehadahearttransplant,andIwantedyoutobethere.”
So…youweren’tupsetthatIfellasleepatwork?
“Oh,wow.”
“Yeah,”heshrugged,“Iknowhowmuchyouwantedtobeapartofoneand…anyway.”
“I’msorry,Ijust…”
Hecheckedhisphone.“Well,Mia,Ihavetogo.MysisterandIhavedinnerplans.”
“Yeah,yes,ofcourse.”Isteppedback,notsurewhattodowithmyself.Thatwassounlikehisusual

behavior.“Ahh,”Idecidedtogoforhisfirstname,“Francis.”Heturnedtolookatme.“Thanks.”

Withtightsmile,henoddedandhurriedonhisway.Icontemplatedhisbehaviorthewholewayhome.

Dr. Evans had always been flirty and seemed to have no boundaries when it came to my personal life
choices.However,thiswasanoddsideofhim;thiswasdifferent.Iwouldn’tgoanyfurther.

Ifeltalotbetterafteraten-hournap,ahotshower,andadecentmeal.Icurleduponmycouchwith

Butters,andwewatchedHomelanduntilmyphonevibratednexttome.

Dr.Evans:WillIseeyoutoday?OrwillyouhideawayintheERagain?

“Ididn’tknowwetextedeachother,”Igrumbled,notsurewhattothink.

Mia:Ithinkyou’llseeme.

Dr.Evans:Good.

“Good,”Irepeatedconfidently.“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”

CHAPTERFOUR

MycoffeewarmedmyhandasIwalkedupthehospitalsteps.Thebiteintheairwasthefirstsignof

fall.Itwasmyfavoritetimebecauseitmeantholidays,andthatmeantwine,meals,andpie.Nomatter
whatmorondidn’tbringthemashedpotatoesorcarrots,therewasalwayspie.

“Someone brought bagels.” Vikki Taylor pointed to the room. Before I could nab one, Dr. Evans

steppedinmyway.

“Good morning. You almost missed out.” He held up an extra bagel. I started to reach for it, but he

pulleditback.“Willyouansweryourpages?”

Icrossedmyarms.“Yes.”
“Okay.”Hehandedittome.
“Okay?”
“Yeah,okay.”
“Okay…”
“Youalreadysaidthat.”
Irolledmyeyesbutraisedthewarmpastryintheairinthanks.

***

Thatwashowthenexttwodayswent—hewasfriendlyandalwaysaround.
Ipushedopenthedoorandplasteredawarmsmileonmyface.
“Hey,Kenny.”Irubbedhiswristgently.“Howdoyoufeel?”
“Hurt.”Histongueranalonghispalelips.“IsawDadtoday.Hesaidhemissedyou.”
“Yeah?That’snice.”
Hisgazedartedaroundtheroom.“Mom?”
“Yes,Kenny?”
“Ineedtoclosemyeyes.”
“Ofcourse.”Ituggedtheblanketuptohischinandslippedoutside.Ipushedawaytheheavycloudthat

hunglowoverthatroom.

“You okay?” Dr. Evans asked from the opposite wall, his hands in his pockets and a worried

expressiononhisface.

“Yeah.”
“Okay,doyouwanttoassistwithafracturedpatellaattwo-thirty?”
“Countmein.”
“ORFour,don’tbelate.”

NurseAlvinracedtomysidewithhispalmupandhisotherfistinthecenter.
“Onthree,forroom33.”
“Clever.”Iglancedoverhisshoulder.
“Stats?”
“Hot,eyesfordays,hugeboobs,andoneofthemburst.It’slikeAmericanHorrorStoryupinthere.”
“I’mpickingscissors.”Sarcasmdrippedfrommytongue.
Hegrinned.“Ithoughtyou’dbemyfavorite.IguessIwasright.”
AndIthoughtyouweregay,sowe’llcalliteven.
I turned around and came to a halt. There was Mark on his phone. He looked over and found me

instantly.Igaveawave,thenIfeltstrange.Whathappenedifhedidn’tlikemeanymore?Ihadn’theard
fromhimmuch.

RemovingthefirstchartIcouldgetmyhandson,Imovedintothatroom.
“Whatisgoingontoday?”Iquicklyscannedhischart,andjustasIsawthelittlereddotthatindicated

whohewas,thedooropenedbehindme.

“Paulisfine,”Markannouncedbehindme.
“Allright.”
“Mia,canwe—?”
Paullookedatme,thenatMark.“FelloutoftheLandRover,dislocatedmyshoulder,andIfuckedup

myspine.”

“Allright,letmegetyourvitalsbeforewestartanythingelse.”
Threading the cuff up over his huge arm, I secured it in place. “Lord, sweetheart, your hands are

freezing,”Paulsaidwithalaugh.

“Sorry,Icanhardlyevergetwarm.”
“Lucky.”
“Notwhenyoulivewherethere’ssnow.Iseemtobealostcause.”
Ilistenedandrecordedhisbloodpressure.“What’syourpainlevelonascaleofonetoten?”
“Onepointfive.”
“He’sfine,”MarkhuffedagainashewenttoPaul’ssideandgrabbedhisshoulderandarm.“Takea

deepbreath.”

“Mark!”Igasped,panicked.
JerkingPaul’selbowupwithatwist,hesnappedhisshoulderbackintoplace.Icuppedmymouthand

waitedforhisreaction.

“Thanks,man.”Paulleanedbackandsighedbeforelookingatme.“I’mbetternow.”
“Um…”Iwaslostforwords.“Youcouldhavedamagedhisspinefurther,Mark!”
“No,thatwasafib.”Paulgrinned.“Myboy,here,hasbeentryingtogetushurtsohehadanexcuseto

seeyou.”

Oh?Don’tgrin,don’tgrin.
“Thanks,man,”Markmuttered.
“Surething.”Paulsettledintothebed.“CanIgetsomeofthatgreenJell-O?Youknow,inthelittlecup

withtheminispoon.”Hemimedeating.“It’smyfavorite.”

Iwasstillstunned.“I’mgoingtogofindthedoctor.”

***

Mark

PaulpointedafterMia,andIranoutafterher.
“Hey,”Icaughtherarm,“what’swrong?”Shestartedtosaysomethingbutstoppedherself.“What?”
“Howhaveyoubeen?”Hervoicedidn’tmatchherface.
“Busy,stressed.You?”
Shelookedaroundasifshedidn’twanttobeseentalkingwithme.“Same.”
“Willyouhavedinnerwithmetonight?”
Hergazeshottomine.“Umm,Ihaveplans.”
“Oh.”Mystomachdropped.“Canyoucancelthem?”
“Mark,Ididn’tknowwhenI’dseeyounext,sono,Ican’t.”
“IguessIdeservedthat.”
“Didyougetmytext?”
Shit, she did text me a few days ago, but I forgot to respond. “Yeah, but I’ve been dealing with

somethingkinda—”

Shesteppedbackapace.“Igetit.Secretopstuff.Anyway,Ineedtograbthedoctor.”
Mollywalkedby.“Hey,Mark.”Shebeamedupatme.“You’relookingbiggerthanthelasttimeIsaw

you.”

Miaturnedandstartedwalkingaway.
“Wait.”IbrushedbyMolly.“Wait,areyoumadatmefornotcalling?”
Mialetoutadeepsighwhilesheflippedherlong,shinyhairoutofherface.
“Look,Mark,trustmewhenItellyouIunderstandyourjobneedstobehush-hush.Ican’tevenimagine

whatyourlifemustbelike.”SheloweredhervoicesoMollycouldn’thear.“Youtellmeyoulikeme,but
Ibarelyheardfromyou.IguessIthoughtmaybeyoumovedon.”

“No,God,no.”Istartedtotakeasteptowardher,butshemovedbackwithaglanceatMollywatching

usfromthenurse’sstation.“I’msorry.I’mdealingwithsomethingpersonal.”

“Mia?”Dr.Evanscameupholdingachart.Whenhecaughtsightofme,hiseyebrowspinchedtogether.

“Mark,Iwasn’tawareyouwerebackatthehospital.”

“Buddygothurt.”
HeignoredmeandlookedatMia.“Westillonfortonight?”
Youhavegottobeshittingme!Sheswallowedhardthengavehimanod.
“Great,seeyouateight.”
Onceheleft,shewasabouttoleave,butIstoppedher.“Really?Thedoctor?”
“He’safriend.”
“Does he know that’s what he is to you?” The look on her face told me I stepped over a line. “I’m

sorry.”

“No.”Sheshookherhead.“Peopleseemtohavealottosaytometoday.”
“WhencanIseeyounext?”
“Idon’tknow.”Sheturnedandleft.
Fuck.
“Youfuckedup,”PaulmumbledaroundamouthfulofnastygreenJell-O.“Sofixit.”
“How?”
Helaughed.“You’reaskingme?”
“Youhaveasister.”
“Wedon’tdiscussthosethings.AskJuneorAbby.”
IpulledoutmyphoneandmadeaquickcalltoJune.
“Hello,Marcus.Howareyou,dear?”Withintenminutes,aplanwasborn,andIhadthedirty little

NurseVikkiTayloronboard.IhurrieddowntothelobbytoseewhatIcouldfind.

Iwaitedoutofsightofthenurse’sstationandwatchedasVikkicalledMiaover.

“Hey,sweetie,thesecameforyou.”
Miasmiled.“Really?”Shetouchedthepetalofoneoftheroses.“Whosentthem?”
“Notsure,butthere’sacard.”
She pulled the card free and read my note. “Where is he?” Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the

hallways.

“Who?”NurseTaylorshookherheadatMia,whomadeaface.“It’ssweet,though.”
“Mmmhmm.”Shetuckedthenoteinherpocketandtouchedtheflowersonemoretimebeforesheleft.
NurseTaylorturnedtomeandshrugged.

***

Manuel

MylegbouncedwildlyunderthetableasIwaitedimpatientlyforthesergeanttocallmein.Iwanteda

smoke, but I wasn’t about to leave and have him hunt me down. Instead, I twirled the long Marlboro
betweenmyfingerslikeadrummerwithhisstick.

My partner was told to wait in another room. Why we were separated was beyond me. Finally, the

dooropened,andinwalkedthesergeantandtwopeopleIdidn’trecognize.IfIweretoguess,I’dsaythey
werecorporate.

“Mr.Lopez,mynameisConnieWilson.I’mwithInternalAffairs.”Atall,broad-shoulderedwoman

tookaseatacrossfromme.Herpantsuitlookedasifitweretailoredforaman.“Doyouknowwhywe
calledyouintoday?”

Ishookmyhead.“Nope.”
“Doyoulivelocally,Mr.Lopez?”Ididn’trespond.Iknewshewouldhavereadmyfile.Shepulled

outapairofsquareframedglassesandplacedthemonthebridgeofhernosewhileshereadadocument.
“You’ve been on the force for how long?” I held my ground and stayed silent. “Would you say your
partnerandyouareclose?”Withasigh,sheunbuttonedherjacketandleanedbacktostudyme.“Okay.”

Sheglancedatthemannexttoher,andhegaveheratersenod.Sheopenedthefileandhandedmea

photo.

Fuckmeupright,thiswasnothappening.
“Youcaretocomment?”
Ihandedherbackthephotoandscratchedatthetwo-day-oldbeardIwassporting.“Iwantalawyer.”
Agrinalmostslippedasshepushedtoherfeet.“Thatmightbeawiseidea.”

***

Mark

Iwaitedinthesamespotandwatched,readyforattemptnumbertwo.Mymorningeffortwasabitofa

failure,butthisafternoonIwasready.

Miacamearoundthecorner,lookingtired.Shespottedtheredboxandeyeditcarefully.
“NurseTaylor?”shecalledout.
“Itarrivedtenminutesago.”
Sheopenedthecardwithasigh.Thefirmlineofherlipssoftenedintothebeginningofasmile.Her

fingerranunderthecoverandopenedtheboxofGodivachocolates.

“Whereishe?”sheaskedagain.ThistimeIsteppedaroundthecornerandshesawme.“Youneedto

stopsendingmegifts.”

“Why?”
Sheglancedaroundbeforeshetuckedaloosestrandofhairbehindherear.
“Becausepeoplethinkweslepttogether.”
“Okay?”Ididn’tgetthebigdeal.
Shetookmyhandandledmearoundthecornertoanemptyhallway.“Mark,wewentononedate.”
“Iremember.”
“Wedidn’tevensleeptogether—”
“No.” I stepped closer so her back pressed flat against the wall. “Seems to me, my lips were busy

doingotherthings.”Sheblinkedafewtimesasifshewereremembering.Istoodstraighter.Sheneededto
knowIwasn’tplayingaround.“I’msorry,Mia,Ireallyam.Willyoupleasegivemeanotherchance?”

Sheplacedherhandonmychesttokeepmeback.“You’regoingtogetmeintotrouble,Mark.”
“Thenhavedinnerwithmetonight.”Myfingersmovedtoplaywithapieceofhersilkyhair.“Come

on,Mia,youknowthere’ssomethingbetweenus.”

“Honestly,Idon’twanttobejustsomeoneyouplaywithwhileyou’rehere.”
Myheadsnappedbackatheraccusation.“Youthinkthat’swhatI’mdoing?”
“Yeah,Ido.”
“Oh,Mia.”Itiltedmyhead,alittlethrownoffbythethoughtIwouldtreatherthatway.“That’sso,so

farfromthetruth.”

“Look,Ihavetoshowuptonight.It’sastaffthing.”Shesighed.“ButI’llcallyouwhenI’mdone.”
“Thank you.” I leaned down and kissed her cheek softly. My phone rang in my pocket, so I stepped

backtolethergo.Shegavemeatentativesmilebeforeshehurriedaroundthecorner.

“Lopez,”ImutteredintomyphonewhileIwatchedherwalkaway.Shehadagorgeousswaytoher

hips.

“Heisnowonsuspension.Theygotatipfromanothercopthathewasuptosomething,whichmade

themcheckthetapes.Sureenough…”Frankrambledinhisnormalmanner.“Youknowwhatthatmeans.”

Mythroatgrewthick.“Yeah.”Ihungupandpressednumberoneonmyspeeddial.
“Cole,IneedtogetatailonManuel.”
“Considerateitdone.Whenwillyoubeback?”
“Notsureyet.”
“Dowhatyougottado.”
“Thanks,man.”
MollywasvisitingPaulwhenIcamebackintotheroom.IshookmyheadatPaulnottomentionMia.
“Hey,Mark.”Mollysmiledaroundaplasticspoon.“Youwant?”SheheldupsomeJell-O.
“No,God,no.”Imadeafaceandtriednottowatchitjiggleinherhand.
“Themandoesn’tstopeating,ever,butyoushowhimJell-Oandhewantsnothingtodowithit.”
“That’sbecauseitisn’teveninthefoodgroups.”Isankintothechair.Mystresswashigh,andIwasn’t

surehowtodealwithit.

“Youhaveplanstonight?”MollypoppedthelastspoonfulofJell-Oinhermouth.
“Notuntillater.”
“We’reallmeetingupatTheBlueRoomateightthirty.Youshouldcome.”
Agrinbrokeacrossmyface.“Youknowwhat,thatmightbefun.”
Shebeamed.“Really?”
“Yeah.”IglancedatPaulmeaningfully.“Youwannagoouttonight?”
“Ijustgotcleared,soyeah,Icoulduseadrink.”
Paul and I met in the hotel lobby at nine. We took a cab to The Blue Room and walked through the

doorsaround9:15.

Mia was next to Dr. Evans, and they seemed to be hitting it off. She was laughing, and his arm was

behindherchair.

“Hey,boys!”Mollyyelled,wavingasshejumpedtoherfeet.
Miaturned,andherjawnearlyhitthetable.
“You may have to run interference,” I muttered to Paul, who knew Molly had a crush on both of us.

Really,shewasn’tparticularlypicky.ShejustwantedanyoneoftheBlackstonemembers.Shewasgreat,
butfarfrommytype.

“Hey,I’mMark.”IintroducedmyselftoafewpeopleIdidn’trecognize.IgaveNurseTaylorawink.

“Now,areyougoingtobehavetonight?”

“Oh,Mark,”shesaid,blushing,“you’resobad.”
“Molly,Ididn’tknowyouinvitedguests,”Dr.Evansmutteredintohisbeer.
“Theywereintownandhadnothingtodo,soIinvitedthemalong.”
Miaglancedatme,andhergazedroppeddownmyfront.Ididthesametoher,lettingmyfocusrun

downherredhalter,stoppingathercleavage.Oh,howImissedthatcleavage.

“Mia,youlooknicetonight.”Ismiled,notcaringthattheprettydoctorglaredatme.
“Sodoyou.”
“I heard what you did today,” Dr. Evans said, interrupting our little moment. “It was extremely

dangerous.Ifthatpatienthadaspinalinjury,youcouldhavedonesomerealdamage.”

“Buthedidn’t.”
Hiseyeswentwide.Itookitnotmanytalkedbacktohim.“Andyouknowthathow,exactly?”
Paulsmirked.
“Wheredidyougotoschool?”Iasked.
Dr.EvansglancedatMiabeforeheanswered.“Boston.”
“Ever have to determine whether or not to remove someone’s leg, while being fired at from three

differentdirections?Ortuckinyourbuddy’sorgansandhopethestitchjobyoudidwilllastuntilyouhit
thechopper?”

Hedidn’tanswer.
“ImaynothavegonetoBoston,butI’vedonemyshareofpatchingup.Paul’sspinewasinline,no

swelling,noslippeddiscs,justadislocatedshoulder.”

“Youcouldhavebeenwrong,”hechallengedpathetically.
“Notlikely,”Pauladded,“becausehewastheonewhopoppeditout.”
“What?” Mia looked confused. “On purpose?” Paul smiled as he took a drink from his beer. “Why

wouldyoudosuchathing?”

Ilookeddirectlyather.“Youknowwhy.”
“That’sinsane!”Dr.Evansblurtedout.
“Nah,”Paulchuckled,“we’reactuallyeven.”
Ileanedoverandclickedhisbottletomine.
“Idon’tthinkIwanttoknowtherestofthatstory.”Sheheldupherhands,andasmallsmileplayed

withthecornersofhermouth.“Comeon,Francis,whydon’tyoubuymeadrink?”Miawalkedtoward
thebarwiththedoctor,notmissingthesmirkthatpassedbetweenmeandPaul.

Francis!
Nurse Taylor started to share a few ER stories, so I decided to mingle with some of the other staff.

Theyallseemedprettyfriendly.

After a bit of time, I could see the girls were tuning into the music. It was only a matter of time

before…

“Whowantstodance?”NurseTaylorclappedherhandstogether.
“Iwantto!”Mollychimedin.

Dr. Evans whispered in Mia’s ear, and she shook her head as he stood and headed for the bar once

again.

“Oh,Ilovethissong,”Mollysquealed.“Comeon,Mia,dancewithme.”
Mia’sfacefell.“Oh,Idon’treally—”
“Now,that’saflat-outlie.”NurseTaylornearlyliftedheroutofherchair.“Weallknowyoucanshake

it.”

I twisted in my seat so I could see the dance floor better. Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body”

boomedthroughthespeakers.

She started to move to the beat. Nurse Taylor pointed to the screen where the video was streaming.

JustasIwonderedwhy,MiastartedtomimicJT’sdancemoves.Paullaughedandslappedmyshoulder
asshemovedherhipsinawayyou’donlyseeonthevideo.Icouldn’thidemyamusement.

“Whereiseveryone?”Dr.Evansaskedoneoftheothergirls.
“Dancing.”
“Oh,shootmenow,”hemutteredbeforetakingashotoftequila.
Paullookedlessthanimpressedhimself.
“What’sthematter,Francis,youdon’tdance?”Iasked.Hedidn’tanswer,andIthrewbackmydrink

andstood.

Thecrowdwasthick,butImovedeasilyacrossthefloor.Mollyspottedmefirstandyelled.
MybodywasrightupbehindMia’swhenthesongchangedto“ImmaBe”byTheBlackEyedPeas.I

watchedtoseewhatspeedherhipswouldgoandmatcheditbeforeIslidmyhandaroundherstomach.

“Mark,”Mollymouthedtoherwithastrangeexpression.
She reached back and grabbed my thigh as she ground her behind into my nearly painful erection. I

couldn’t help but watch the skin that peeked out on her lower back when she leaned forward. My hand
roamedaroundherstomach,occasionallydippinglow.Herheadleanedagainstmyshoulder,butassoon
asthesongpickedup,shemovedawayandstarteddancing,thenpointedatmetoshowmymoves.

Oh,Mia,Ialwayslovedachallenge.
IpulledoutthebestmovesIhadandpoppedmybodytothemusic.Ispunonmytoesanddroppedto

thefloor,allmyweightbalancedonmywrist,thenbouncedtomyfeet.WhenIbentbackdown,Isenta
wavethroughmybody.IcameupdirectlyinfrontofMia.Shehadonasexysmileasshelookedatupat
me.

“I’mimpressed,”shesaid,laughing.
Myarmhookedherwaist,mykneewedgedbetweenherlegs,andwestartedtodirtydance.
ThemusicmorphedintoToveLo,“TalkingBody.”Whenthechoruscameon,Igrippedhertighter.
Itwasn’tuntilthesongendedthatwerealizedeveryoneelsehadgonebacktothetable.
“Drink?”Ipointedtothebar.Shenodded,andItookherhandandledhertothecounter.Ihadtomove

herinfrontofmesincetherewasonlyenoughroomforone.Ilockedmyarmsoneithersideofherand
pressedmysweatyfronttoherback.

“Beer?”Shelookedoverhershoulder.Ileaneddownandnearlybrushedmylipsoverhers.
“LongBoard.”Ihandedthebartendermycreditcard.
Shelookedaway.“LongBoard,”shecalledout,buttheguycouldn’thear.Shehoppedupandleaned

herbodyoverthecounter.

I had to blink back the dirty thoughts and force my hands to stay down. When she went to move, I

helpedhertoherfeet,spunheraround,andleanedintoherear.

“Iwanttogetoutofhere.Idon’tknowhowmuchlongerIcanbehaveinpublic.”
Theexcitementinhereyestoldmeshefeltthesame.
“Let’sfinishourdrinks,thenwe’llleaveseparately.”
Ishookmyhead.“Together.”

“Mark,”herhandswenttoherhips,“Iworkwiththesepeople.Theyalreadyknowtoomuchaboutme.

Idon’twanttobeonFrancis’sshitlist.”

“Thatmightbetoolate.”Iflickedmyheadtowardwherethemaninquestionstaredatus.
“Shit.”Hereyesclosed.
Thiswasridiculous.Iranmyhandsthroughherhairandloweredmylipstohers.Iwaitedforherto

meetmehalfway.Iwouldneverforcemyselfonher.

“Kissme,Mia,”Imutteredacrossherlips.Myheartbeatlikeadrum.IwantedtofeelthewayIdid

before.

Herhandsbracedonmystomachasshesteppeduponhertoesandmetmewiththesameintensitythat

wascoursingthroughme.

Ifelthermoantraveloverhertongueandvibrateagainstmine.JesusChrist,thisgirlwasgoingtokill

me.Myhandmovedunderhershirtandswipedalonghersmoothskin.Shepulledaway.“Weshouldgo.”

Ipaidthebill,andwehurriedovertothetable.
“Wherewereyou?”Paulgrinned.IgavehimthefingerbutmadesureMiadidn’tseeit.
“I’mgoingtogo.”MiagrabbedherjacketfromherchairnexttoDr.Evans.
Heputhishandoverhers.“CanIspeakwithyouforamoment?”Sheglancedatmebeforeshegavea

quicknod.

***

Mia

IwassoincrediblypumpeduponlustthatIcouldbarelywalk.Mythighspracticallyscreamedtobe

spreadopen,butinsteadIhadtotrytoactnormalandincontrolwhileIspokewithoneofmysuperiors.

Westeppedoutsidethebuildingandintothechillynightair.
Dr.Evansstoppedinfrontofmeandturnedwithastrangeexpression.
“Callmecrazy,Mia,butIthoughtwehadsomethinggoingonhere.”
“Oh!I…”Ifeltmyfaceheatup.Whywasit,whenawomanfoundamaletobefriendswith,oneof

themhadtoscrewitupwithemotion?Whenwouldwelearn?Iguessedwecouldneverbefriendsnow.

“Maybe I need to be blunt.” His lips twisted to one side. “I like you, Mia. I think you’re funny and

smart.Idothinkyou’rewastingyourskillsjustbeinganurse—”

…andthereitwas…
Istoppedhischatter.“Dr.Evans,ah,Francis.Forlackofabetterexpression,I’mflattered,andifwe

rewoundtoafewmonthsago,maybesomemorecouldhavehappened.Butwhereourbiggestproblem
liesisthatIlovebeingjustanurse.”

“But—”
“Please let me finish.” He nodded and closed his mouth. “And I also met Mark, and we are really

hittingitoff.”

He waited a beat before he spoke. “What kind of a future are you going to have with someone who

disappears days—no, months—on end with no explanation? How do you know he doesn’t have lots of
youindifferentcountries?”

Ouch.Ihatedoubt.
“I don’t,” I shrugged, “but that’s something we’re going to have to work out if this continues into

something.”

“Well,”hesighed,“Iguessthere’snothingelsetotalkabout.”
“I’msorry,Francis,Ireallyam.”

“Metoo.Ireallyhopeyoudon’tgethurt,Mia.”Heleaneddown,kissedmycheek,thenleft.
Isaggedagainstthewindowandwhispered,“Metoo.”
“Hey,”Markcalledoutsoftly.Ilookedoverandsawhehadhishandsinhispockets.“Youokay?”
“Yeah.”Ipushedofftheglass.“Let’sgo.”
Throughthewholecabtripandelevatorride,weremainedquiet.Dr.Evans’wordsbouncedaroundin

myhead,makingmequestionsthingsIdidn’twantto.

Markhadmyhand,andafewtimesIcaughthimstudyingme.
Ilockedthedoorbehindusandtossedmypurseonthetable.“Youwantanything?”
“Water,please.”Hesatonthestoolandrestedhiselbowsonthecounter,watchingasImovedabout.

“Youknow,Icanspeakfivelanguagesfluently,readlips,andIcanbringagrownmantohiskneesjustby
tappinghimhardonthesideoftheneck.”Hepausedforamoment.“Butforthelifeofme,Ican’tfigure
outwhyyou’veshutdownonmetonight.”Hetookthebottleofwaterfrommyhand.

“Sorry,I—”
“I’mnotlookingforanapology.”
Iclearedmyhead.Truthorlie?“IguessDr.Evansjustpointedoutafewthingsthatmightmakethis

hardforme…orus.”

“Suchas?”
“Youleavingwithnowordformonths.”
Heunscrewedhisbottleofwaterandtookalongsip.NowIwishIcouldreadhismind.
“Iwon’tdisappearformonthsonend,butmaybeaweekhereandthere.Iamsorryforbeingsoquiet

lasttime.Therearesomethingsgoingonthatneedmyattention.Iwon’tlie,Mia,beingwithmewouldn’t
beeasy.Ihaven’tfigureditalloutyeteither,butIknowIlikebeingwithyou.Can’tweatleasttry?”

Try?IanalyzedmyfeelingstoseeifthatwassomethingIcoulddo.
“Ithink—”Aknocksoundedatmydoor,andIheldupafinger.
“Sorry,Mia.”MyneighborEdhadhissecurityuniformon.“Iwouldn’thavecomeby,butIheardyou

comein.Igotcalledtocoverashift.”

Buttersshovedpasthislegs,andhishuge,furrypawslandedonmychest.Ihadtotakeastepbackto

absorbhisweight.“Hey,boy.”

“He’sbeenclawingatmydoorsinceyougothome.”
“No problem. I don’t work tomorrow, so we can hang out. Oh, and thanks for the groceries. Let me

knowwhatIoweyou.”

“Okay.”Helookedovermyshoulder.“Hey,I’msorry.”HegaveMarkawave.“I’llcallyoulater.”
“Surething.”Itooktheleashfromhim.“Comeonin.”
TheleashwasyankedoutofmyhandasButtersrantoMark,whoopenedhisarmstogreethim.
“Hey,Butters.”Hescratchedhisears.
“Youtwoknoweachother?”Ipickeduphisbottlecapandfiddledwithitbetweenmyfingers.
“Yes,”Markbentdownandkissedhishead,“Iwoketohotbreathinmyfaceandaratherlonglicklast

timeIwashere.Italmostmademedecidetostay!”Heraisedhiseyebrowsatme.

“Oh,really.”IlaughedasIleanedoverthecounter.“He’sthebuilding’sdog.Wealltaketurnslooking

afterhim.ThoughIseemtogethimthemost.”

“That’sbecausehe’ssweetonyou.IcanseeIwillhavecompetition.”
Hiscommentmademesmile.Hecouldbesosweetwithouteventrying.Afteranotherearscratch,he

glancedoveratme,thenreachedformyhandtopullmearoundthecounterandinfrontofhim.

“Youweresayingsomething.”
Islidmyhandsoverhisstrongshouldersasheclosedhiseyes.Myfingersdippedandroseoverhis

muscles.

“I’d like to try,” I whispered, and his eyes popped open, but instead of a smile, his eyes almost

darkened.

Hestood,andhisgazeheldmineashishandsslidaroundmyneck.Hedippeddownandgavemea

closedlipkiss.Itwassoftbuthadalotbehindit,almostasifhewassealingmydecisiontohis.

My chest heaved against his, and the friction gave me temporary relief. His fingers inched around

beforemystrapstomyhalterfellforward.Isteppedbackandremovedmyshirtandtosseditonthefloor.

“Wow.”Hisgazeroamedoverme,butinawaythatmademefeelcherished.Markhadanincredible

wayofmakingmefeelthatIbelongedtohim,andIwasallrightwiththis.

Hedeliberatelyremovedhisshirtanddroppeditontopofmine.Withastepforward,Iraisedmyhand

andhovereditoveroneofhisscars.Iflickedmyeyesuptoseeifitwasallright.Hegaveaquicknod
then flinched at my cold fingertip, but he soon relaxed. The raised skin was mostly smooth, but a few
bumpswerevisible.

“Didtheyhurt?”Iwhispered,studyinghisbodyfurther.Itwaslikeahumancanvasofhislife;every

markcarriedastory.

“Somedid,yes.”
Myfingersslidaroundhissideandstoppedatadeepgroove.Hishandslappedontopofmine,andI

caughthisexpressionbeforehegavemeagrin.

“Ticklish,”hemuttered,butIcouldseeitwasmorethanthat.Heraisedmyfingersandkissedthem

gently.“Comeon.”Henoddedtowardmybed.

Once at the foot of my bed, he brushed my hair up off my bare chest so it was exposed. He ran his

fingersalongthecurveofmybreasts,stoppingtofeeltheweightofone.Hispacewasintoxicating.His
slowmovementsnearlydrovememad,butImanagedtoremainstill.Icouldn’trecalleverbeingtouched
likethis.Hetenderlyrolledmynipplebetweenhisthumbandknuckle.

Hisfreehandsliddownthefrontofmybellyandfreedthebuttononmyjeans.Withalighttugthey

pooledaroundmyfeetandwerekickedofftothesideasIsteppedawayfromthem.

Ifelthischestheave,butIwastooexcitedtoseewhatwaswaitingformeunderhisjeans.Withquick

work,Ididthesametohim.

Thentherewewere,bothnaked,standinginthedarknesswithonlyalittlelightpeekingthroughfrom

thecitybelow.

NormallyI’dbecoveringmyselfup,wantingtocrawlunderthecoverstohidefrommyinsecurities,

butnotwithhim.Markmademefeel…sexyandconfident.

Hesteppedintome,wrappedhishandsaroundmyface,andkissedmesohardIforgotwhoIwas.
One hand slipped under my legs as he lifted me and carefully placed me on the bed. He slipped a

condom on all the while he kept his eyes on me. His body hovered over me, and he smiled. His eyes
sparkledinthelittlelightwehad.

“How?”Hiswordswerebarelyawhisper.
Myeyebrowsknittogether.
Hebrushedmyhairoffmyneck,thencontinuedtotravelalongmycollarbone.
“HowhaveIgonethislongwithoutknowingyou?”Hekissedthecornerofmyeye.“Withoutknowing

yourtouch?”Hethreadedhisfingersthroughmine.“Withoutknowingyourheartbeat?”Hislipsskimmed
mychest.Hepositionedhishipsbeforehepushedforward.“Withoutknowingwhatyoufeellikeinside?”
Mybackarchedasheeasedhiswayinsideme,andheletoutapuffofaironcehewasfullyin.

Withhisjawstrained,heforcedhiseyesopen.“Areyouallright?”
InoddedbuthadtobitemybottomlipinfearI’dburst.Hiswordsstillloopedinmyhead.Howcould

someonemakeyousowarminside?

Heleanedhisweightononearmbeforehestartedtomove.Hewatchedhimselfslipinandout.Iwas

lost in his body; the way his muscles moved was mesmerizing. I closed my eyes and let the euphoria
spread right down to my toes. The coil inside started to tighten, and instead of overthinking the way I

normallydid,Igavemyselfovertohim.

Marknuzzledrightbehindmyear.“YoumakemeforgetwhenI’mwithyou.”Iwantedtoaskwhathe

meant,butheheldmestillandkissedmeashepickedupthepace.Hehadtakenoverallofme,mind,
body,andheart.Ipushedallfearaway,openedmyarms,andlettherushtakemeover.

Colors—allIsawwasaspectacularseaofcolorsfloatingbyme.
Hisbodyfloppeddownnexttome,andwebothfoughttocatchourbreath.Hisarmcurledaroundmy

middleandpulledmetohischest.Hekissedmyhairwithadeepsigh.

“Mia.”Hekisseddownmyshoulder.
I kissed his arm and felt my eyes grow heavy. I vaguely remembered him going into the washroom

beforeIdriftedofftoaverypleasantsleep.

CHAPTERFIVE

Sunlightburstthroughmywindows,andIrolledovertoanemptybed.Myeyesflutteredopenaslast

nightcameracingbacktome.Iswiftlychangedintoapairofpantiesandashirtbeforesteppingaround
thepartitionandstoppingwithagrin.

Mark and Butters were on the couch watching the news. Mark was talking to him about something

whileheateabowlofcereal.

Igrabbedmycameraandsnappedaquickpicture.Thetwoofthemturnedaroundatthesoundofthe

shutter.

Mark’sexpressionwasenoughtosendmerunningbacktobedforroundtwo.
“Morning.”Hisvoicehadaslightrasptoit.“Hopeyoudon’tmind.Wewerehungry.”Heheldupthe

bowl.

“Not at all.” I was pleased he felt comfortable enough to help himself. “Come on, Butters, let’s go

outside.”

Buttersdidn’tmove.
“Wealreadywentout.”Markrubbedthebigdog’shead.
“Oh,”Igrinned,“thankyou.”
“Sure.” He watched me pour some coffee, then his warm arms were around me. “You know, you’re

quiteresponsivewhenyou’resleeping.”

“AmI?”Ileanedbackandkissedhim.
“Yes,itwasalmosttorture.”
Iturnedinhishold.“Well,youhavemypermissiontowakemeifthatfeelingcomesback.”
Hebentdown,liftedmeoverhisshoulder,andheadedbacktothebed.
“Mark!”Ishrieked,butallitgainedmewasaslaptothebutt.
Hisphonerang,bringingusbacktorealitywithnewsthatheneededtoleavearoundfour.
HeshoweredandchangedwhileIwatchedfromthebed.Ididn’twanttoshowIwasdisappointedhe

hadtogo.Iknewthiswashowitwasgoingtobe.

Icrawledtotheedgeofthemattresswhenheslippedhisshoeson.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneck

andkissedhischeek.Myhairfellaroundmeandinhisface.

“Callmewhenyoucan.”
Hetwisted,tookholdofme,andbroughtmeontohislapsoIstraddledhim.Hishandcuppedmybutt

andgaveitasqueeze.

“IcanhonestlysaythisisthehardesttimeI’veeverhadleavingsomeone.”Herubbedthebackofhis

fingersacrossmycheek.“Iwanttotakeyouwithme.”

Ismiled.“Doyouhaveanyideawhenyou’llbeback?”
That’swhenIsawit,theflinchinhisface.Whydidn’tIkeepmymouthshut?Beforehecouldanswer,

Imovedoffhislapandtriedtothinkofsomethingelsetosay.Iopenedasmallsilverboxonmydresser.

“Well,wheneveritis,”IhelduptwokeysbeforeItossedthemathim,“youknowwheretofindme.”
“Keys?”Hesmiledasheexaminedthem.“Luckyme.”
I got dressed since Butters started to whine by the door. Mark held my hand while we were in the

elevatorandoutside.

“Well.”Isighedinwardly.“Seeyalater.”
Hestudiedmyfacebrieflybeforehepulledmeinforakiss.
“I’llcallwhenIgetthere.Trytokeepwarmwithoutme.”Thenhereconsideredhiswordsandsmiled

anevilsmile.“Cancelthat,you’lljusthavetobechilly!”Hekissedmeonelasttimebeforehegotinhis
carandleft.

Iwasaleftwithanemptyfeeling,butIpusheditaside.Ididagreetothis.
Butterspulledonthelead.Iopenedthegatetotheprivateyardforourbuildingandlethimrun.
“Hi.”Amanwavedfromabenchbehindme.“Beautifulafternoon,isn’tit?”Hisheavyknitsweater

stretched over his chest when he leaned back, and his well-worn boots were stuck way out as he
straightenedhisknees.

Ismiledbackandlookedupattheskyandsawthedarkgreycloudsthatthreatenedtorollin.“Itis

now,butitlookslikewemightgetastorm.”

“Then I guess you could say it’s the calm before the storm.” He smiled, but somehow it made me

uneasy.Plushestaredtoolongformyliking.

“Perhaps.”IglancedatButters,whohadfoundapuddletodrinkfrom.
“I’m Chris.” The man offered a hand, and I noticed an upside down cross tattoo that bled into his

fingers.“Ijustmovedin.”

“Nicetomeetyou,”Isaidovermyshoulder,pretendingIdidn’tnoticehisgestureforahandshake.
“I’mtakingoverLarry’sjobforabit.”
What?Iturnedtohim.“Larry,asinthemanger?”
“Yup,somefamilything.”Hescratchedabovehisearquickly.“What’syourname?”
Withasigh,Iturnedtofacemynewneighbor.“Mia.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Mia.3D,right?”
IgaveashortnodbeforeIcalledButtersover.Thismanhadastrangewayoflookingatsomeone,like

hewassearchingforsomething.Butterswasatmysideinaflash.

“Prettydog.”ChrisdroppedhishandforButterstocomesmellhim,buthedidn’tgo.Ididn’tblame

him.

Araindrophitmycheekwithasplat,thenanother,andanother.
“Ishouldgo.Comeon,Butters.”
“Seeyouaround.”ChrisstayedputasIraninside.

***

Mark

I’d been home four days, and I kept missing Mia’s calls. Between our hectic schedules, it had been

hardtostayintouch.

WhenIactuallydidstop,mybodyhummedtobewithher.WhenIclosedmyeyesatnight,Icouldsee

herunderme.Thelookonherfacerightbeforeshegaveherselfovertomemademystomachtighten.

“Hey,man.”Colecameintomyroomandjumpeduponmydesk.“Youready?”
“Yeah.”Ifoldedapairofcamopantsintomybagandzippeditclosed.

“How’sMia?”
“Good.”Hernamemademyinsidestwitch.
“Isyourheadinthis?”
Iturnedaroundtofindhimwithanoddexpression.“Ofcourse.”
“Allright.”Hehoppeddownandleft.IstoppedandthoughtifColewassensingsomething,Imustnot

beright.

Getyourshittogether.
ThetriptoNewYorkgavemetimetoclearmyheadandfocusonwhatIhadahead.
Theminutewelanded,ItextedMia.

Mark:Beoutofreachforabit,callyoulater.

Iwaitedamoment,thenwentwithwhatwasreallyonmymind.

Mark:Ineedtoseeyou.

Itwasjustaftersixwhereshewas.Shewasprobablyinthemiddleofherrounds.
“Ready?”Keithunclippedhisseatbeltandreachedforhisdufflebag.
Keith and Cole decided to come along to New York to help Frank and me deal with this situation.

Manuelwantedtomeetup,andweneededtohandleitcarefully.

WetookacabtothehotelwherewemetupwithFrankandusedhisroomasanoffice.
Frankgreetedusatthedoor.“Men.”Hewasalwaysamanoffewwords.“Comein.”
Wesatatatable,andtomysurprise,heofferedusabeer.EvenColeshotmeaconfusedlook.This

wasnotFrankbehavior.

“So,tellmewhatyoufound.”Helookedaroundatus.
I stopped Cole from talking; this was my issue. “After Manuel joined the police force, he started

gamblinghereinNewYorkattheDarkHorseCasinountilhewasbannedforcountingcards.”Iopeneda
filewithallhisinformation.Othersmighthavefoundthisstrange,butnotme.Iwasusedtoit.“Twoyears
later, he started playing at an underground group. That’s when he started skimming money out of the
evidencelocker.”

“Howmuch?”Frankturnedhispentoextendthetip.
“Atfirstitwassmallamounts,fivehundredtoathousand.Thenhegotindeeper,anditchangedtofifty

toahundredthousandacoupleoftimesamonth.”Iscannedthepaperandflippedthepage.“Guesshis
partnersuspectedsomething,mentionedittotheirsergeant,andtheysetupsomecameras.Sureenough,
therehewas,stuffingitintothewaistbandofhispants.”

Franksighedthenglancedoutatthewindowwhilehethoughtaboutsomething.
“Okay,” he cleared his throat, “Lopez, have you ever spoken to anyone about what happened back

then?”

Mystomachchurned.“No.”
“Whataboutduringtheinvestigation?”
“No.”Isnappedmynecktorelievesometension.Thiswasn’tatopicIspokeaboutoften.“Notmuch

evidencewasfound.”

“Right.” Frank scribbled on his yellow pad, and I appreciated that he didn’t question my answers.

“Good.”

Keith’sphonerang,andwhenhepulleditfree,hisfacedropped.“Shit.Igottatakethis.”Heglancedat

Colethenlefttheroom.

IsquintedatCole,wonderingwhatwasup,buthejustgaveaquickshakeoftheheadtostayontask.

KeithandIhadbecomeclosernowthathewaswithBlackstone,butthereseemedtobeanothersideof
himthathekeptfromus…well,maybejustfromme.Colekneweverything.Mythroatcontractedatthat
thought.Coledidknoweverything—evenmysecret—andheneverjudged.Ever.

“All right,” Frank looked at me, “you’re meeting Manuel in thirty in Central Park. Will you wear a

wire?”

“No,he’llcheck.”
Frankgavemeacurtnod.“Leaveyourphoneon,then.”
“I’dreallyprefertogoinclean,”Iadmitted.WiresandbugswerenotsomethingIwantedonmewhen

Ihadn’tseenhiminalmostfiveyears.Hewasaloosecannon,andIdidn’ttrustwhatcouldcomeoutof
hismonth.

Cole spoke up. “I’m fine with that.” He always had my back. “We’ll maintain a visual. I agree with

Lopez.Manuelwillsuspectit.Iknowhimwellenoughtosayhe’llbewaitingforthis.”

“Fine,”Frankassented,butIcouldtellhe’dratherlistenin.“Askthequestionswepromptedyouon,

andifyouneedhelp,pulloutyourcellandbringittoyourrightear.”

“Mark.”Colepulledmeoutontothebalconywhereheproducedashinyblackbox.“Ah,Igotthesefor

the team for Christmas, but I want you to wear yours now.” He held the box up like he was about to
propose.

“I’mkindaintochicks,man.”Ilaughedasheshovedtheboxinmyhand.
“You’renotmytype.”
“Thathurtsrealdeep.”
Herolledhiseyes.“You’llgetoverit.”
Ipoppedopenthelidwithmythumb,mycuriositypiqued.
“Damn,dude.”Ipulledtheblackwatchfreetostudyitbetter.
“It’smadebyacoupleImetafewyearsbackinL.A.It’sthefirstwatchlinethey’veeverdesigned.I

thoughtitwouldworkwellforBlackstone.”

Ireadthenameofthewatch.“Joogii.”Theblackleatherstrapflowedrightintotheblackface.The

handsremindedmeofatuxedowithitsblackarmsandwhitetips,butthelong,skinnysecondhandwas
whatdrewmyeye.Itwasabrightyellow.Everythingaboutthiswatchwascrisp,clean,andattractive.

“Check this out.” Cole turned the watch over and pointed to a tiny pin stuck in the stitching. “Army

approvedtrackingdevice.Frankgotmeenoughforallourfieldagents.Afterwhathappenedtome…”He
clearedhisthroat.Iknewsomuchofwhathappenedlastyearstillpreyedonhim.“Well,atleasttheseare
undetectable.”

“Thanks.”Iwrappeditaroundmywristandfastenedinplace.“Ireallyshouldwearwatchesmore.”
Coleshookhisheadbeforehewentbackintothehotelroom.“Let’sgetmoving.”
Ienteredtheparkat85thStreetandMuseumMileandheadeddowntothewater.Rightunderahuge

oaktreewasaredbench,withchildren’shandprintsalloverit.Isatandwaited;Iknewhe’dbelate.He
wasmostlikelywatchingmetoseeifIwouldsignaltomyteam.Imadesurenottodoanythingbutsit
verystill.

Atwigsnappedbehindme,andIcouldalmostfeelthewindchange.Iknewitwashim.
“You’relate.”
“Isthatanywaytogreetyourbrother?”Heopenedhisarmsforahug,butIjustwaitedforhimtosit.

“Damn,boy,you’vebeenworkingout.”

“Yeah,youmightwanttotryit.”Itookinthehaggardlookonhisface.
“Hey,”helitacigaretteandtookalongdrag,“I’msevenyearsolderanddidn’thavetheluxuriesthe

U.S.Armygaveyou.”

“Thatwasyourchoice.”
Hisdullgreeneyessquintedashesuckedbacksomemoresmoke.Thereitwas.Thatwasthelookthat

hauntedmewhenIwasatmyworst.“Hardly.”Hisvoicedroppedlowandwaslacedwithasharpedge.
However,thistimeIwouldn’tletitgettome—notwhenheincludedMiainhisthreat.“So,areyougonna
helpmeornot?”

“Whatdoyouexpectmetodo,here,Manuel?Youwerecaughtontape.”
Heleanedforward,elbowsonhisknees,beforehelookedback.“IwantyoutotellthemIdiditfor

you.”

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”
Hethrewhiscigaretteontothegroundandstompedonit.“No.”Helitanothercigaretteandgothimself

undercontrol.“RememberwhatIdidforyou,Mark.”

“How can I forget? Every time I think you’re probably dead in a ditch somewhere, you pop your

goddamnheadupfromthegravetoremindme.”

Heflinchedbeforehetookalongdrag.“Armygrewyousomeballs.”
“Yeah,andwhatasetIhave.”Iheldhisstare.“Yougotyourselfinthisshit,getyourselfoutofit.”
“You’renotgoingtohelpme?”
“Fuckyou,Manuel!”Istoodandtuckedmyhandsintothepocketsofmylongjacket.
“Thegirl.She’spretty.”Hesmirked,hiscigarettedanglingfromhislip.
Ifiguredhe’dgothere,soIwasready.
“Yeah,sheis.”Iturnedonmyheelandwalkedbacktowardtheparkinglot.Eachsteptookeffort.I

wasn’tsureifIhadmadetherightdecisionyet.Onlytimewouldtell.

Frank’sblackEscaladepulledupandthedoorswungopen.Ihoppedinside,andColeletoutalong

breath.

“Good?”Hehelduphisfist,andIbumped.
“Yeah.”
Whenwefinallygotbacktoourhotel,Iskippeddrinksatthebarandheadedtomyroom.Iwantedto

bealone.No,whatIwantedwastobewithMia.

Ipluggedinmyphone,asithaddiedonthewayhome,andheadedforashower.
Mybodyhitthemattresswithaheavythud.Iwastootiredtochange,soIjustwrappedmyselfina

towel.Ireachedformyphone,wonderingwhenthePenguinswereplayingtonight.

IjerkeduponmyelbowwhenIsawabunchofmissedtextsfromMia.

Mia:Heyyou,Iwantyoutobeheretoo.

Mia:Somethingtohelp;)

Therewerethreepictures.Itappedtodownloadthetext,sincetheWi-Fisuckedhere.Myheartnearly

frozewhenIsawshehadtakenaselfieofherselfintherain.Thenextonewasheratthehospital,making
anunhappyfaceatalltheworkshehadtodo.However,thethirdonehadmesmilingintomypillowlikeI
wasseventeenandinlove.Shewasinbed,lyingdown,lookingatthecamerawithasleepysmile.There
wasatextattachedtothatone.

Mia:Goodnight,sweetdreams.

Iturnedmycameraatmyfaceanddidmyversionofherlastpicture.

Mark:Goodnight,Mia.Sweetdreams.

IflickedontheTVandstartedtoflip.Myphonerang,andIdreadedtoseewhoitwas.Ijustclosed

myeyesandanswered.

“Lopez,”Imuttered,figuringitwasprobablyFrank.
“Hey.”Hervoicewaslowandwentrighttomychest.
“Wow,”Ilaughedlightly,“Ireallydidneedtohearyourvoice.”
Iheardhermoveabout.“Iseverythingallright?”
“Yeah,justworkstuff.”
“Oh.”Sheyawned.
“Howisworkgoing?”
“Interesting.”
“IsthemanicuredDocFrancisbotheringyou?”Strange.Ididn’tgetjealous,butwithherIwasabit.It

botheredmethathegottoseehereveryday,andIcouldn’t.Shepausedsomewhattoolongformyliking.
“Mia?”

“No,he’sbeenprettygood.”
“Didsomethinghappen?”
“No!God,no,Mark.”Sheclearedherthroat.“Iwouldnever.”
“Imean,itwouldmakesense.Heisthereeveryday.”
“Mark!”
Ifeltlikeadick.“Sorry.”Ineededtopullittogether.“It’sbeenaday.”
Therewassilence.
“Mia,Iamsorry.Iwasjustbeingadick.”
“CanIaskyousomething,withoutyougettingupset?”
Mystomachtwisted;Iwasn’tsureIwantedtohearthis.“Sure.”
Shesighedintothephone.“WhenamIgoingtoseeyounext?”
Myheartlightened,happytoknowshewantedmelikeIwantedher.
“I’mnotsureyet.Soon,Ihope.”
“Metoo.”Sheyawnedagain.
“Look, you go get some sleep, and I’ll talk to you later.” I heard Butters groan into the phone. “You

takecareofherwhileI’mgone,boy.”

“Hedoes,don’tyou,boy?Okay,callmelaterifyoucan.”
“Iwill.Bye,hon.”
“Bye.”

***

Thenextweek,Iranmydrillswiththeteam.Iworkedout,playedwithLivy,andwaited.Twomore

dayswentby,andstillnowordfromManuel.

“Hey,”Keithdroppedhisbagatmydoor,“youready?”
“Yeah.”Igrabbedmyjacketanddidonelastcheckbeforeweleft.
Keithlookedathisphonerightbeforeitrang.“Carlos.”Hisvoicewascompletelydifferent.Heturned

tolookatme,andheheldhisfingertohismouthtokeepmequiet.“Oh,shit,thisweekend?No,man,I
can’t,butI’lltrytomakethenextmeeting.”Hewaitedforaminute.“Yeah,brother,I’llbethere.”Hehung
upandkepthisfastpacedownthestairs.

“Goodluck,guys.”Savannahsmiledfromthedoorway.“Besafe.”ShestoppedKeith.“What?”
“He has other friends, besides us,” I joked and hurried up the path to the chopper. We needed to be

acrossthebordersoonifweweregoingtonabournexthouseguest.

“Allgood.”IheardKeithkisshercheekbeforehefollowedbehindme.“Hey,Lopez,”hecalledout.

“Youheardnothing,okay?”

“Heardwhat?”
Hegavemeaslightnod.“Thanks.”
I waited for the moment the chopper left the ground. It always made my adrenaline kick up a few

notches.

***

Location:Mexico

Coordinates:Classified

“I’dneverlivehere.”Coleranhisfingeralongtheinsideofhisshirt.“Toofuckinghot.”
“Yup.”We’dbeeninthisdugoutforfourandhalfhours,withnomovementfromthehousebelow.
“Whyaren’tyouentertainingme?”Coleopenedhiswater.“Hello.”
“Thinking.”
“’Bout?”
“Manuel.”
“And?”
Irolledmyeyes.“AndMia.”
Heshiftedtoleanonhisothershoulder.“Youseemdifferentwiththisgirl.”
“Yeah.”Hewaitedformetogoon.“Shedoesn’tmindmedisappearing.Imean,shedoesn’tlikeit,but

sheseemstounderstandhowitworks.IguesssinceshesignedtheNDA,shewouldhavehadanidea.”

“Okay.”
“Okay.”Iknewtherewasmorecoming.
“IguessIwanttoknowwhereyourheadis,ifyoutwoaregettingserious.”
Therewasthatheavyfeelingthatcrawledacrossmychestwheneverthiscameup.
“Honestly,Ihavenoidea,butI’dwelcomeanysuggestions.”
Colerubbedhisheadashethought.“Well,Ican’tloseyou,soleaveitwithme,andI’llseewhatIcan

comeupwith.”

“Soundsgood.”Wewentbacktosilence,thenIsmirked.“YoucantellSavannahI’mokay.”
Helaughedsoftlyandshookhishead.Savannahwasalwayslookingoutforus,andnowusedColeto

doherwork.Itwassweetshecared.

“Hey,what’supwithKeith,anyway?”
Colefloppedhisheadbackagainstthedirt.“Personalstuff.”
“Well,sinceKeithtoldusnothingabouthimself,thatisn’thelpful.Everythingokay?”
“Heneedstomakesomebigdecisions.Hispastiscatchingup.”
“Ihearthat!”
“Yeah.” I knew better than to push Cole. He kept everyone’s secrets. Everything was on a need to

knowbasiswithhim.Which,Lordknew,Iappreciated.

Gunshotssoundedinthedistance,andwegotonourkneesandintoposition.
“Visual?”IaskedColeasIrestedthesideofmycheekonthehotsteelandlinedupmysightswiththe

frontdoor.Withmybreathingsteady,Iscannedthefrontofthehouse.

“Negative.”
Myfingerflexedagainstthetrigger;Ilovedthispart.Theunknown.Whichwaywouldthissituation

go?

“Eastgate,”Colemutteredashecockedhisweapon.

IspatoutthedetailstotherestoftheteambeforeColestartedtofire.Innineseconds,fivecartelwere

down.

Let’smove.”Hescrambledtohisfeet.
We ran down the hill, across a field, where we hunched behind a small wall. Cole got the team in

placebeforewestormedthehouse.

With my back against the house, I took a quick peek inside the window, but something blocked my

view.

I joined Cole as he prepared to clear the front door. Paul rolled a smoke bomb inside before we

entered.Afterthepop,weformedalineandmovedforward.

Smoke,heat,andahorriblesmellfoundusinamatterofseconds.
“Everyonegetdown!”Ishoutedthroughtheblindinghaze.Itrippedoversomethingheavyandbounced

offsomethingrubbery.Myhandswentoutandlandedagainst…

“Shit!”IshoutedjustasKeithrippedtheblindoffthewindow.
Piles and piles of dead bodies lay in all directions on the floor. My hand was on top of a woman’s

lifelessface.IjerkedbackasifI’dbeenburned.

“Whatthefuck?”Johnwasalmostgreenbutmanagedtoholdittogether.Keithofferedmeanarmupso

Iwouldn’thavetotouchanymoreofthem.

Colesteppedouttocallitin.
“Howmany?”Johncoveredhismouth.
“Mustbeeighty,”Keithshookhishead,“justinthisroom.”
“There’smore?”Johncoughedatthesmell,wavinghisarmaroundtoshoothefliesaway.
Keithpointedupthestairs,wheremorebodieslitteredthefloor.
“Let’sgetthisoverwith.”IwipedmyhandovermypantsbeforeIpulledonrubbergloves.
We started at one end and shifted through body after body to see if our target was included in the

massacre.

Johnstruggled,soItoldhimtodolookout.Weallhadourstrengths.Thiswasn’this,andthatwasfine.
Itbecamejustajobafteraboutthetwelfthbody.Iturnedoffmyemotionsanddidmything.Itwasn’t

untilIcameacrossthebodyofayoungboywhohadbeenshotinthestomachandtheeyethatIneededa
moment.

Fuckit.
I pulled the boy free, cradled him in my arms, and carried him outside, where I laid him by some

shrubs.Hisremainingeyestaredupatthesky.

Ibentdownandfixedhist-shirt,andwhenItuggeditdown,atinytincarfellfromhispocket.
“Fuck,”Igrunted,aknotinmychest.Iscoopeditupandexaminedit.Yellowdoorswithablackstripe

acrossthetop.Itwashomemade,withthenameFelipeonthebumper.Icurleditinmyfistandhelditto
mymouthtokeepthesobback.Thiswasn’tright.Wefoughteverygoddamndayinanendlesswar.Sadly,
at this rate, by the time we found peace, what would be left? Nothing but destruction. “For what it’s
worth,littleguy,”Iwhispered,“I’mreallysorry.”Iimmediatelystoodandcheckedmyself.Detached.I
turnedandfoundtheguyswatchingme.

Coleshiftedintomypath.“Yougood?”
Ibrushedbyhim.“No.”
Thatwashowitwent.Wheneveroneofusfoundachildthisway,wewouldremovethesmallbody

fromthesite,placeitoutsideunderthesky,andthentheyweregivenamomentofourtime.Wedidn’tsay
muchtowhoeverfoundthebody.Mostly,wejusttouchedtheirarmandletthemcontinuewiththatsmall
gestureofcomfort.ThiswastheworsttripI’dhadyet.

Three hours later, we counted and checked sixty-three adults and seventeen children. The Mexican

policearrivedandstartedtotakeover.

“Logan.”Keithstoodatthetopofthestairs.“Foundourtarget.”
“And?”
“Dead.”
“How?”
“Hungfromtheceiling,cuttothestomach.Bledtodeath.”
“Fuck!”

***

Mia

“Oh,here,letmehelp.”Chris,thenewmanager,openedtheapartmentdoorforme.
Itriedtobalancemygroceriesinmyarms.“Thanks.”
Heracedforwardandhitthecallbuttonfortheelevator.“Youneedsomehelp?”
“Ah,no,IthinkIgotit.”
“Okay.”Heactuallygavemeafriendlysmilebeforehesteppedbacktoletthedoorclosebetweenus.
Christ, he was an odd guy. I shook off the bad vibe. I couldn’t wait to open my vodka and sip on a

strongcosmo.

MykeyswerestuckbetweenmyfingersasIjammedthemintothelittleholeandopenedthedoorto

myapartment.Thenmyheartjumped.

Markwasslumpedforward,headinhishands,onmycomfychair.
“Hey.”Iwantedtobeexcited,buthisbodylanguagemademenervous.Isetmybagsontheisland.I

didn’tthinkheheardme,butwhenIstartedtospeak,heabruptlystoodandwalkedrightovertome.He
crushedhisbodytominewithahugesigh.“Oh!”

Heleanedback,tookmyfaceinhishands,andstaredintomyeyesbeforeheleaneddownandkissed

me.Icouldtellthiswaswhatheneeded,soIwentalongandkeptmyquestionstomyself.

I stepped back and removed my shirt. He did the same, and then his hands were all over my body.

Cupping,kneading,rubbing—hewassomuchmoreintensethannormal.

Webarelymadeittothebedbeforeherolledacondomon.
“Ineedyounow.”Helaidmebackbeforehecrawledontop.Hiseyesshowedhisinternalstruggle,

and when I cupped his cheek, he turned into it. “Mia,” he nearly whimpered, “I need you to help me
forget.”

I knew his head was somewhere else, and I knew he needed me to bring him back. Even though his

mindwasn’tallinthepresent,hewasstillsosweetandcareful.Idraggedmynailsdownhisback,but
stoppedatthenowfamiliardeepgrooveonhisside.Slowlybutfirmly,heremovedmyhand.

Itookhisfaceinmyhandssohewouldlookatme.“I’mhere,Mark.”Hesqueezedhiseyesshutand

hisneckmusclesstrained.“Hey,”Iranmyfingertipsdownhischeeks,“letmehelp.”

Afterabeat,heletmepushhimtothebed,whereIclimbedupandsankdownoverhislength.His

handslandedonmyhipsandsetthepace.Asmybodymoved,Ileanedforwardandkissedthescarson
hischest,acrosshiscollarbone,andupalonghisneck.

“I’mhere.”Mylipsvibratedagainsthisribs.
His threaded his fingers into my hair and gently raised me to his lips. The moment we touched, he

growled.Thekisswaswild,butnotarace—morelikeahungerthatconsumedtheentirebody.Iclenched
aroundhim.

Onceheletgo,Ileanedback,tookhishandsinmine,andgentlyrockedtoapacethatseemedtorelax

him.Neitherofusspoke;wedidn’tneedto.

Atonepoint,whenIsawhimslip,Istoppedandcuppedhischeekagain.“Hey.”Heclosedhiseyes,

andIrealizedthatwaswhathedidwhenhetriedtosorthisthoughts.Hishandsmovedtomyhipsbefore
his eyes opened. “I saw some things.” His jaw flexed. There weren’t any tears, but the rawness in his
voicewasenoughtomakemefeelhispain.“Ineedyoutobringmeback—tomeagain.”

“Oh,Mark.”IwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandheldhimthebestIcould.Afterabit,hemoved

mesoIlaywithmybodywrappedaroundhimfromtheside.Hishandrubbedlightlyfrommyshoulderto
myelbow.Itwassoothing,butIwastooworriedtorelax.

“Tellmesomethingaboutyou.”Ireallywantedtoknowhim.Noboundaries,justwhohewas.
“Likewhat?”
Ithoughtforamomentandstartedtolaugh.
“What?”Histonewascurious.
“Pleasedon’ttakethisthewrongway,butwhydoyousmelllikeafifteen-year-oldgirlsometimes?”
Hemovedtositup,andhishandswenttohischestverydramatically.“Pardonme?”
“It’s like I keep having this deja vu of when I was seven riding my pink sparkly bike.” I stood and

pickeduphisjeans.

“Oh,that’snotweird.Sure,smellmypants.”Hissarcasmmademesmile,andthenIfeltalong,hard

thing.“Okay,youdon’tneedto—”

“Ohhhh.”Ilaughedatthehalf-emptypackofHubbaBubba.“Oh,thankGod.”Ilaughedharder.“Ihada

lotofthingsflashinfrontofme,there.”

Marksmiled,thenhestartedtolaughtoo.“Guessit’skindofacomfortthing.”
“I think it’s cute.” I grinned as I returned the gum to his pants pocket. “Will you tell me something

else?”

Heincheddownsohewaslyingflatonthebedandturnedtowardme.Ididthesameandwewatched

theglowofthecitybelowfromthemassivewindowsbehindus.Ilovedthisapartment.

“Somethingpersonalthat’saboutwhoyouare.Somethingreal.”
Hislipspressedintoastraightlineashethoughtbeforeanswering.“I’vebeenaloneforsolongthatI

willactuallymessuptheoppositesideofthebed.SowhenIwakethenextmorning,disappointmentisn’t
thefirstthoughtthatpopsinmyhead.”Hegrinnedatme.

Ittookmeamomenttoprocesswhathesaid.“That’s…”Iscrambledfortherightwords.
“Sad, I know,” he shrugged, “but true.” He leaned forward and gave me a gentle kiss before he lay

backdown.“I’vesharedalot,sonowit’syourturn.”

Hisfacepoppedupinfrontofme,butIcouldn’t.Notyet.Thatwouldchangeeverything.
“Umm,” my mind raced to think, “I promised myself I would wait three years before I’d date again

afterwhatwentdownwithmyex.”

“Howlonghasitbeen?”
“Thirteenmonths.”
Hesquintedatme.“Areyousureyou’rereadyforanotherrelationship?”
“Atfirst,Iwasn’tsure—”
“Andnow?”heinterrupted.
Istaredathimforamoment.“WhatifIwasn’t?”
Hehookedhisarmaroundmywaist,pulledmetohim,andhoveredaboveme.
“IguessI’dhavetofindnewandinventivewaystoconvinceyou.”Hislipscaughtmineandhetook

over.Iforgotmyownnamewhenwewerelikethis.

Whenwecameupforair,Iwiggledfreeandheadedtothebathroom.
Iwasbrushingmyteethwhenhecameupbehindme.Heleanedagainstthedoorframeandwatched.
WhenIleaneddowntorinsemymouth,Ifelthimremovethebrushfrommyhand.Icamebackup,and

hewasusingmytoothbrush.Ismirkedathowcomfortablehealreadywaswithme.

Bedfeltgood,butknowinghewasgoingtobenexttomewasevenbetter.Thefloorwascold,soI

hurriedunderthecoversandshivereduntilmybodyheatwarmedupmyspot.

I was almost asleep when he joined me. His hand ran along my hip, over my stomach, and curled

aroundmywaist.Withasmalljerk,hepulledmybacktohischest.

“Imissedyou,”hewhisperedintomyhair.Somethinginhisvoicebotheredmeagain.
Iturnedtoseehisface.“WhydoIfeellikeyou’regoingtotellmeyou’releavingsoon?”
Whenhedidn’tanswer,Iturnedbackaroundandlettheunspeakablebattlefightitselfoutinmyhead.
Icouldn’thelpbutfeellikeIwashisreleasewhenheneededtogetridofsomestressordemons.
Onea.m.
Twoa.m.
Threea.m.
Thenumberstickedby,butIwastoonervoustoclosemyeyesincaseheleft.Aroundthreethirty,I

couldn’ttakeitanymore.Islidoutofbed,wrappedmysilkrobearoundmyself,andheadedtotheliving
room.

Carefully, I climbed up on the window seat. It was my favorite spot. I could lie back and pretend

everythingwasfine,andtherewasnothingbutmeandthestarstohearmythoughts.

Raindrops swirled around in different patterns, and a hint of frost was in the air, which left a white

dustingalongtheedgeofeachwindowpane.

Ipulledmyblanketuptomychinandsettledinfurther.Mymother’svoicefoundme.
“Ifyourbodynaturallysmileswhenyouseethepersonyou’rewith,that’sagoodsign.”
Whathappenedifyoulivedtwodifferentlives?Howdidthatwork?
Ikickedtheblanketoff.Itwasnouse;sleepwasn’tgoingtocome.Ichangedbeforescribblinganote.

Wentintowork.SeeyouwhenIdo.
~Mia

Istaredatitandwonderedifitwastoomuchofajab.Ididn’tmeanittobe.Tossingitinthetrash,I

triedagain.

Wenttowork.Talktoyoulater.
~Mia

Withaglanceovermyshouldertomakesurehewasstillasleep,Iheadedforthehospital.

CHAPTERSIX

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”MollyaskedassheranpasttheERwaitingroomwhereIhadsettledwith

agoodbook.

“Couldn’tsleep.”
“YouaretheonlyoneIknowwhocomestoanemergencyroomtocalmdown.”Shelaughedbefore

shewentonherway.

Aroundten,IwenttovisitKenny,whowasalotworsetoday.Hecouldbarelylifthishead,andhis

eyesseemeddistant.

“Hey,honey.”Isqueezedhisrightarmtolethimknowitwasme.“Whatareyouwatchingtoday?”
Hedidn’tanswer,soIwentoverandopenedtheblinds.
“It’sraining,ourfavoritekindofweather.”
Againnothing.
“Are you cold?” I sighed. When I started to move, I hit his left arm, and his hand shot forward and

wrappedaroundmyneck.

“Don’ttouchme!”hescreamed,crushingmeharder.“Nomoremeds!”Hiseyeswerecold,andIcould

tellhewaslostinhisotherworld.

Itriedtosuckinsomeair,butnothingcouldgetthrough.ThemoreIfought,thetighterhisgripgrew.
Myhandracedaroundandfinallyfoundtheemergencybuttononmypager.Ipushedithard.
“Ahh,”Kennyscreamedagain,“leavemebe!”
Thedoorburstopen,andVikkiboltedtowardus.
“Security!”sheyelleddownthehall.“Ineedhelpnow!”
Spotscloudedmyvisionashisnever-endingholdgraduallytookmylifeaway.
“Kenny!Letgo!”Vikkiprettymuchhadtobreakhisarmtogethimtoreleaseme.
Ifellbackwardoffthebedandhitthefloor.Wheezing,Igaspedandcoughedastheairfloodedback

intomylungs.

Dr.Evanscameinandracedtomyside.“Mia,whathappened?”
VikkihadKennyinaholduntilanothernursesedatedhim.
“Hehadheraroundtheneck,”Vikkicalledout.
Afterhehelpedmetomyfeetandoutoftheroom,Dr.Evanssatmeonachairandsquatteddownin

frontofme.

“I’mfine,”Iwheezed,butthetearsthreatenedtocome.Hereachedformyhand,butIstoodonshaky

legs.“Ijustneedamoment.”

“Mia.”
“Please.”
Eachstepfeltlikelead,andmystomachturnedasIreachedforthedoorhandleofanemptyroom.I

curledupinaballontheendofthebed.Everybreathwaspainful,myheartraced,andmyfeelingswere
so out of whack I didn’t know where to start processing it all. One, two, three, four…I tried to calm
myself,butitwasnouse.TherealityofKenny’sconditioncouldnolongerbedenied,andmyheartbroke
forhim.

I went with what my body wanted, which was to break down. The sobs hit hard; they were mostly

silentbutshookmycoreastheysurfaced.

MyheadwasburiedagainstmykneesasItriedtoblocktheworldout.Igaveinandletallthepain

rushin.

“Whereisshe?”Ibarelyheardtheshoutingthroughmyownpersonalstruggle.
Thedooropenedandasetofwarmhandsfellontopofmine.
“Shit,”Markcursedasheliftedmeandheldmeinhisarms.Hewrappedaroundmybody,holdingme

tight.“It’sokay,Mia,I’mhere.”

Isobbedharder,sobbedforthefactthatKennywasalmostgone,sobbedbecauseIwantedmymother

tobeherewithmetosupporthim,andsobbedbecauseMarkwalkedinandoutofmylifewhenIonly
wantedhimtostaywithme.

Afterawhile,Ifeltsotiredandsore.Marknevermovedorcomplained—hewassimplythere.
“CanIseeyourneck?”
Iunfoldedfromthesafetynethehadmeinandsawhisworriedface.
Hebrushedmyhairaway.Histhumbsdriedmycheeksthengentlytippedmyheadback.
“Ouch,Mia.Kennyisstillprettystrong.”
Iclosedmyeyesandletmoretearsslipout.Iheardhimmove.
“Let’s get you looked at.” He helped me to my feet and onto the bed. I felt like a rock, drained of

everything.Ijustwantedtosleep.

Markmovedtothedoorandflaggedsomeonedown.Vikkicameinfirst.
“Oh,girl,”shecoveredhermouthatmyappearance,“youaredamnluckyyoupushedtheemergency

button.Doesithurt?”

Inodded,butIdidn’tspeak.Ireallydidn’tknowwhattosay.
Markstoodbymysideandrubbedmybackgently.Vikkiglancedathim.
“I don’t know how long he had her like that.” Her voice cracked like she really cared what had

happenedtome.“God,Mark,Icouldn’tgethimtoletgo.Iactuallyhadtofracturehisarm.”

“JesusChrist,”hemuttered,“I’mgladyouwerethere.”
Sheputherhandonmine.“Mia,youshouldtakeafewdaysoff.”
“Iagree,”Dr.Evanssaidfromthedoorway.“Yourshiftdoesn’tevenstartyet.Whatwereyoudoingat

thehospital?”

Ishrugged.Thepainthatpulsedthroughmyneckleftmewithnodesiretospeak.
“Well,let’scheckyouout.”
Markstayedbymysidetheentiretime.Heneversaidmuch,justflinchedwhenIdid.
Thankfully,therewasn’ttoomuchdamagebeyondsomeintensebruising.Iwastoldtotakeaweekoff.

Iwasn’thappyaboutit,butIdidn’tmakethedecisions.Thechiefdid.

TheyalsomadeanewrulethatIwasn’tallowedtobealonewithKennyanymore.Thatwastheworst

part.IknewKennydidn’thavemuchtimeleft.

AfterIwasgivensomepainmeds,theytriedtosendmehome.
IstoppedEvansbeforeheleft.“IwanttoseeKennyfirst.”
“No.”
I glanced at Mark, who struggled to keep his feelings back. I jumped off the table and walked with

unsteadyknees.“Hedidn’tmeanit.Youknowheslipsbetweentwoworlds.”

“Go home, Mia.” Dr. Evans sighed when he saw I wasn’t about to back down. “You can see him

tomorrow,butnottoday.”

“Fine,”IwhisperedjustasMarktookmyhand.Evanslookedovermyshoulder,hismouthtightwith

annoyance.

“Let’sgohome.”Markurgedmeforwardandoutintothehallway.
Heopenedanumbrellaandhelpedmeoverthepuddlesuntilwegottohiscar.
“Youwarmenough?”Heturnedthehotairinmydirectionandpressedthebuttonfortheheatedseat.
“Yeah,”Icroaked.Iwasexhausted.
Oncehome,Istrippedoutofmywetscrubsandintosomeyogapantsandatank.Ilikedtobecomfy

whenIwashome.

MarkfiddledaroundinthekitchenwhileImadeacozynestontheoverstuffedsectionalcouch.
IwentstraighttomyDVRandbroughtupTrueDetective.Iwasobsessedwiththatshow.Thedarker,

thebetter.

Mark set a tray in front of me with chicken soup and warm bread. “You need to eat something with

thosepainmedsinyourstomach.”

“Thanks.”Iwaspleasantlysurprisedhedidthatforme.Hereturnedamomentlaterwithhisowntray

andsettledinnexttome.Istaredathim,confused.

Hesippedhiswater.“What?”
“You’restaying?”
“Yeah.”Hedippedhisbreadintohissoup.
“ButIthoughtlastnightyousaidyouhadtoleave.”
“Idid.Ihaveatrip.”
Therewasthatsinkingfeelingagain.“Sothenwhendoyouleave?”
Mark set his bowl down and brushed the crumbs from his fingers. He leaned back and laid his arm

alongthebackofthecouch.“Ioptednottogo.”

Ishookmyhead,notfollowing.
“Firsttimeever.”Hegrinned.
“Why?”Itsoundedstupid,butIneededhimtosayit.
Heturnedabitmoretofaceme,hisfingersbrushingmyhairoutofmyface.“Awhileback,Savannah

hadarealhardtimewithColeleavingwhenshefoundoutshewaspregnant.”Inodded.“Heknewitand
stayed.Colenevermissedanassignment.I’veseenhimtakeoutmenwithhisbarehandswhilesickwith
pneumonia.Wearetrainedtofightthrougheverything,”hepaused,“everythingbutthis.”

“Butwhat?”
Hesmiled,onethatmademystomachleapintomythroat.“You.”WhenIdidn’tsayanything,hewent

on.“IknewColewasinlove.Weallsawit.Icouldn’tbelieveheskippedthetrip,skippedthechanceto
takeoutsomebadguys.However,whenIwokethismorningandsawyouhadleft,Idecidedtogotothe
hospital to say goodbye. When the nurse told me what had happened, nothing mattered after that except
you.ItextedCole,andyouwanttoknowwhathisresponsewas?”

“What?”barelyslippedpastmylips.
“Hesaid,‘Allright.’”Hesnickered.“GuessitwasmoreobviousthanIthought.”
“Whatwas?”
“Mia…”Hisfingerranalongmyjawandacrossmybottomlip.“I’vehadgirlfriendsbefore,butnot

likeyou.Inormallylikemyspace,myalonetime,seemygirlfriendontheweekendsoronenightaweek
orwhenever.Butwithyou,you’reallIthinkabout.Mylasttripwas,”heclearedhisthroat,“hard.The
onlythingIwantedwastoholdyouandsleepnexttoyou.I’vefallenfast,Mia,andfrankly,itscaresthe
shitoutofme.IthinkImightevenhavelostmysenseofhumor!”

I smiled at his attempt at humor in such a serious moment. Moving my blanket aside, I shifted to

straddlehislap.Iputmyhandsoneithersideofhisfaceandgazedintohischocolatebrowneyes.

“Ileftsoyoudidn’thavetobefirst,”Iadmittedinawhisper.“Iknowthisishowitisgoingtobewith

us,butIhatedthefeelinglasttimeithappenedsobadlythat…”

Hiseyesclosedwhilehischestroseandfell.
“It’sokay,Mark,becausenowthatIknowI’mnotaloneinhowIfeel…”Hiseyesopened.“Itwon’t

hurtasmuch.”

“Areyousayingyoulike-likeme?”Hegrinnedplayfully.
“Yes,”Ileanedforward,“Ilike-likeyou.”Ikissedhislipssoftlywhilehishandsranalongmythighs.

“HowlongdoIgettokeepyou?”

“A week.” He kissed me again before guiding me to the couch. “You need to rest.” He caught me

eyeinghisexcitementandshookhisfingeratme.“Rest.”

With a much lighter chest than before, I rested my head on his lap and fell asleep with his fingers

strokingmyhair.

***

The next two days, I mostly slept off the pain and enjoyed his company. Mark hung out, cooked,

cleaned,andhelpedoutwithButters.Ihadtoadmitsleepandgenerallazingaboutfeltwonderful.Ithad
beenalongtimesinceIhadallowedmyselftosimplyrest.

Aloudcrackofthunderwokeme.Ijoltedforwardjustasalightningflashfilledtheentireapartment.
“Mark?”IcalledoutwhenIrealizedIwasinbedalone.“Ouch.”Mythroatwasstillreallysore.
Thewindowsvibratedeachtimethethundererupted.Thestormwasrightaboveus,anditwasintense.

Click,click.Thebuttononmylampwouldn’tturnon.Damn,thepowerwasouttoo.

Slippingmyrobeon,Isteppedoutintothelivingroom,butitwasempty.Thewindscrapedabranch

alongtheglass,makingthenightfeeleerie.Amomentlater,Iwasstartledbythedoorasitopenedandin
walkedMarkandButters,soakingwet.

“Hey.”HeletButtersofftheleadbeforehecameover.“Howlonghaveyoubeenup?”
“Justafewminutes.”
“Sorry,Buttersneededtodosomebusiness,andboy,thatfellowknowshisstuff!”Hehunghisjacket

overthebackofthechair.“Comeon,let’sgetyoubacktobed.”

Oncewesettledin,heturnedtofacemewithapillowhuggedtohischest.Thecandlelightflickered

overhisface.

“Tellmesomethingelseaboutyou,”Imumbledandmovedmycoldtoestohiswarmcalf.“Wheredid

yougrowup?”

He tucked my hair behind my ear. “I grew up in California. My father was a screen writer, and he

wroteforLoveBoat.”

“Really?”Howinteresting.
“No,notreally,”hesaid,laughing.
“Mark!”Ishovedhisshoulder.
“Fine.Myfamilytraveledalotbecauseofmymother’sjob.”
Inodded,wantinghimtogoon.
“Shewasalesbianstripper.”
Ifloppedonmybackashelaughedharder.“Forgetit.”
“No,no,no.”Herolledmeontomyside.Hetookalongbreathwhilehiseyesclosed.“I’mnotgood

withemotionwhenitcomestomyself.”

“Couldhavefooledme.”Igavehimanannoyedlook.
“Oh,Iseesomeoneelseenjoysalittlesarcasm.”

“Whenit’sneeded,”Ishotback.
“Okay,” he shook his head, “my father left when I was born. I was raised by my mother until I was

seven,andthenCole’snannytookmein.”

“Forreal?”
Hegrinnedatmywords.“Yes,forreal.”
“Goon,then.”
“Ididn’thaveaveryeasystarttomylife,Mia.Itwasn’tpretty.Mymotherdrankandsmokedalotof

pot.Shewouldgodayswithoutfeedingme.Therewasthisoldladywholivedinthetrailernexttous,
andshewasprettynice.Anyway,herhusbandworkedforHubbaBubba.Sheusedtogivemeapacka
weekforatreat.”

“Oh,thatexplainsit.”
Hegavemeshrug,butIcouldtellitmeantsomething.“IlearnedIcouldtrickmyhungrystomachinto

thinkingitwasfullwiththatgum.”Howsad.“Momsoonfiguredoutpeoplelikedme,soshe’dsendme
outtoaskforfood.That’showImettheLogansandAbigail.”

“Abigailworkedforthem,then?”
“Yes,shebecameCole’snannysixmonthsbeforeIcametotheirdoor.Shetookpityonmeandstarted

feedingmeafewtimesaweek.SheevengavemesomeofCole’sclothestowear.”

“HowwasColeaboutallthis?”
“Cole? He was…well, Cole. He became my best friend after he saw me get jumped one day after

school. Turns out we were both pretty good at fighting. Soon after, I started heading there after school
duringtheweek.Mymotherbarelynoticed.AslongasIbroughtfoodhomeafewdayshereandthere,
she’dleavemebe.”

“Anysiblings?”
“Ah,yeahabrother.Heissevenyearsolder.”
“Areyouclose?”
“No.”
“That’stoobad.”
“No,it’snot.”
Imovedtostealmoreofhiswarmth.“Wherewashewhenyouweregrowingup?”
“Ifhewasn’tbeatingonme,hewasgamblinginsomebackalley.Hestillgetshimselfinshitbecause

ofit.He’saddicted.”

“Oh,I’msorry.”
“Itiswhatitis.”Heshrugged.“Manuelisdangerous.”
“Doyouseehimmuchanymore?”
Helickedhislips.“Unfortunately,yes.”
I wanted to ask more, but I decided against it. I didn’t need to push too much on a topic that was

obviouslytouchy.

“Where’syourmomnow?”
“Whataboutyou?”Hedodgedmyquestion.
Oh,boy.
“Umm,bornandraised,well,allovertheU.S.”
“Militaryfamily?”Inodded.“Thatexplainswhyyouusedmyranksomuch.”IsmiledbecauseIdidn’t

evenrealizeIhad.

“Onebrother,buthe’snotaroundrightnow,andI’mnotoverlyclosewithmyparentsanymore.They

weren’texactlyhappythatI‘settledfor’nursingschool.IwantedtobeanurseintheArmy,butmyfather
forbidit.Hesaysit’snoplaceforawoman.”Ishrugged.“Ithinkhe’sscaredatwhatImightsee.Tobe
honest,Iwasterrifiedtojoin.IjustwantedhimtostopcaringwhetherIbecameadoctorornot.Itonly

backfiredonhim.HejustneverunderstoodIwantedtobeanurse.”

Hekissedeachoneofmyfingers.“SowhatbroughtyoutoNorthDakota?”
“Kenny,”Iwhispered.
“Whoishetoyou?”
Iblinkedbackthepainthatcamewiththistopic.Aclapofthunderboomed,andIgrabbedMark’sarm.
“Scarier than it really is.” He kissed my head and tucked me in closer. The rain beat against the

windows, the sound swirling around the room. “Reminds me of a storm a few years back,” he began.
“ColeandIwereinatrenchinMexico.Wehadtowatchthishousethatwasholdingourtarget.Itstarted
pouringaroundsixatnight,andwewereliterallyinapoolofmudafteraboutanhour.Thestormwasso
intensewecouldbarelyhearoneanother,evenwhenweweresidebyside.Couldn’tevenhearthesound
ofourbullets.Wesatthereforninehoursbeforewecouldmakeourmove.”

Igentlykissedhischest.Iknewhewasn’tallowedtosharethings,yethewas.Itmademefeelspecial,

butalsoabitguilty.

“Wasyourtargetokay?”
Hepausedabeat.“Yeah,thatonewas.”
“I’msorryyourlasttripwassoawful.”
Ifelthimswallowhard.“Thatonewillstaywithmeforawhile.”
Buttersjumpedupandlayacrossourfeet.
Markhuggedme.“Thisisnice.”
“Attheriskofpushingyoutoofar,canIaskonemorequestion?”
Hissighwasn’tlostonme.“Okay.”
Ishiftedandpulledbacktheblanket.Heletmerunmyfingersrunalongthedeepgash.
“What—”
Hisfacefell,andthistimehedidn’thideit.“Mymotherhadalotofboyfriends.Iwasfivewhenthe

firstguytriedtomakeamoveonme.”

Istilled.
“Ihadfoundahuntingknifeinthewoodsonetime,andIkeptitbymynightstandforprotection.You

knowthatsaying,ifyouhaveaguninyourhouse,you’remorelikelytogetshotyourself?Well,Ifought
him off the first time, but the second time he came back, he decided to inflict pain instead. With my
defenseagainsthim.”

“Didanyofthemever…”Icouldn’tevenfinishthesentence.
“No,”hehistonewasclipped,thoughhesoundedamillionmilesaway.“Whenthey’dcomeover,I’d

findsomewhereelsetobe.Let’sjustsayAbigaildidmorethanjustsavemefrommymother.”

Irestedmyheadonhischestandheldhimtightly.“I’msosorry,Mark.”
Aftersometime,hewrappedhishandinmine.“Metoo.”

***

Mark

“Getupandgetmoving.”Manuelkickedmyside.Myeyesopened,andIsquintedathimaboveme,

hisarmsfolded.“Gogetfood.”

“I’mtired,”Icomplained,strugglingtogettomyfeet.Mydirtymattressonthefloorwaswearing

down,whichmademybacksore.

“DidIaskhowyouwere?YouhavefiveminutestogetoutbeforeMomwakesandseesyou’restill

here.”

Mybootswerestillwetfrombeingoutinthesnowlastnight.Thissucked.Myjacketwasbarelya

windbreakerandnotmeantforthesnowthatwascomingdownfast.Withmyhandsinmypockets,I
lookedoveratmymotherpassedoutinhernormalspot.

Thesnowdriftswereuptomyknees.Iceformedaroundmyankles,butIdidn’tmind.Itonlyfueled

metokeepmovingfromdoortodoor.

Mymusclesburned,myfingertipswerenumb,andmyearspulsedwithadeepache.
Ididn’thavetoguesswhowasintheblackSUVasthewindowdescended.
“Marcus?”AbigailcalledoutassheleanedoverCole’sbody.“Whatareyoudoingoutonanight

likethis,honey?”

Ishrugged,embarrassedshecaughtmeouthereagain.
Herfacefell.“Hopin.Astormiscoming.”
Abigaildroppedmeoffathomelaterwithfreshclothes,boots,apotfullofhotsoup,androlls.
Thesnowcamedownharder,blindingmyroutebacktoourtrailer.Finally,afterservalminutes,I

tuggedonthehandle,butitwaslocked.

“Momma?”Iknockedonthedoor.“Areyouinthere?”
Nothing.
“Manuel!”Icalledout.“Ihavefood,butthedoorislocked.”
Nothing.
I set the pot down and removed my mittens. “Momma! Manuel!” I cleared the snow away and

peekedthroughtheglass.Momwasn’tonthecouch,andManuel’sdoorwasclosed.

Wadingthroughthesnow,Iworkedmywayovertothebackandcrawledupontothepropanetank.
Inchingforward,IlookedinManuel’sroom.Sureenough,hewaspassedoutonhisbedwithajoint

stuckbetweentwofingers.

Iknockedloudly,buthedidn’tbudge.“Manuel!”
Withapush,Ijumpedintoapileofsnowandworkedmywaybacktothefront.WherewasMom?
The wind picked up, blowing everything around me. I grabbed the hot pot and went under the

trailer.

Withmybodycurledclosetothenowwarmsteel,Iweatheredthestorm.Ihadneverbeencolderor

more alone than in that moment. How could you forget about your own son and leave him out in a
snowstorm?

***

MyhandbrushedoverthecoldsheetsuntilIfoundher.Withahookofmyarm,Islidherovertome.

Shestirredbutdidn’twake.

Anotherhourofsleepfeltgood,andIwoketoherstillnexttome.Ituggedtheblanketsoffasifthis

was the first time I laid eyes on her. Her skin was fair, with only a few freckles along the base of her
neck.Herbackwastome,andIwatchedasthemorninglightcastoverhercurves.

Ilovedthatshesleptnaked;itgavemetimetostudyher.
Withmyhandsplacedatthesmallofherback,Idraggedthemupherspineandoverhershoulders.She

moanedasIstartedmassaginghermuscles.

“Ohh,”shepurred,“you’reneverleaving.”
Ichuckledandworkedmythumbsincircles.“Howsoreareyou?”
Sheshrugged,andIletthetopicbe.“Youtalkinyoursleep.”ShestretchedhernecksoIcouldinchup

further.

“Oh,yeah?”

“Somethingaboutbeingalone.”
Myhandsstopped.Sheturnedtoseemyface.Iproppedupononearmandlookeddownather.
Hereyessoftened.“I’msorry.”
Ishookthedarkfeelingback,butIknewshesawit.Shebrushedherhandovermymorningstubble.
“You’renot alone, Mark.”Her voice waslow, and I couldtell she madesure she treaded carefully.

“Youhaveyourfamily—Cole,Abigail,andSavannah.”

“And?”
Herlipsturnedupononeside.“Andme.”
“DoI?”
Hersmilefadedasshestudiedme.“Yeah,youdo.”
Ileaneddownandcaughtherlips.“Good.”HerlipswerewarmasIdeepenedthekiss.“HaveIever

toldyoumysecret?”

Hereyeslitup.
“I’venevertoldanyonethis.”
“Okay.”
Imovedhersoshewasflatonherbackandgazeddownathersleepyeyes.IwaitedabeatbeforeI

rippedthecoversoffher.

“Mark!”sheshouted,coilingintoatinyball.“You’resomean!”ShebattedmeawayasIblewcoldair

onher.“You’regoingtopayforthis!”

“Bringit,doll!”Icalledoutasshestompedofftotheshower.“You’resosexywhenyou’remad.”
Sheflippedmethebirdassheshutthedoor.Ofcourse,thismademelaughevenharder.
I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. Butters wove in between my legs, his big blue eyes

beggingmetotakehimoutforapee.Theshowerwasstillrunning,soIgrabbedtheleadandhurriedout
totheelevator.

“Come on, man, there’s a perfectly good tree right there.” I pointed to the frosty trunk. “Lift and

release.” The temperature had dropped from yesterday, and I was thankful I brought my heavy sweater.
“Do your business so we can leave.” Butters had his nose stuck on something under the park bench.
“Countdownison,littleman.”

Whenhestilldidn’tlisten,Iwentovertoseewhathewasafter.Ibentdownjustashistonguewentout

tolicktheyellowliquid.

“Wow.”Iliftedhimaroundthewaistsohewouldn’ttouchit.“Whatthehell?”Istuckthespotwithmy

fingerandsmelledit.“Shit.”Therewasnoreasonforantifreezetobeinthisprivatebuilding’slittlepark.
I quickly grabbed the hose and diluted it the best I could. Butters finally went to the bathroom and we
wentbackinside.

“Butters sucker you in for a walk?” Mia asked with her back to me. Her purple panties and braless

tankmademestare.

SheyelpedwhenIranmycoldhandsacrossherbelly.
“Mark!”Shetriedtogetaway,butitwasn’tgonnahappen.
“When you wear this,” my hand moved up under her warm breast, “I am not responsible for my

actions.”Istiffenedandstaredatwhatsheheldinfrontofher.“Wheredidyougetthose?”

“Oh,”shebenttoopentheoven,“mynewneighbor-slash-managerbroughtthemby.Theylookgood,

don’tthey?”

“Idon’twantany.”
Sheturnedtofaceme.“Why?”
MymouthwentdrywhenIsawthechocolatemacaroons.Theywerethesameonesmymotherusedto

make,thesameonesshe“accidentally”lacedwithpotonmybirthday.

“Nothungry.”

Shemadeaface.“Whyareyoulying?”
IclearedmythroatasIleanedbackagainstthecounter.“Bringsbacksomenastymemories.”
“Okay.”Shepickedupthetrayanddumpedthewholecontainerinthetrash.“Nomorebadmemories.”
Itookherhandandbroughthertostandinfrontofme.“Thankyou.”
“Youhungry?”Sheraisedaneyebrowknowingly.
“Starved.”
“Good.”Shelaughedassheheadedforherdresser.“Becauseafterlastnight’sworkout,Ineedsome

carbs.”

“Stockup,honey,”Iwarned.
Wewalkedtoamomandpopshopdowntheroad,whereasmalltableinfrontofthewindowwas

free.InoticedMialeftherscarfonaftersheremovedhercoat.

“Goodmorning,”thewaitressgreetedus.“CanIofferyoucoffeeorjuice?”
“Both,”weansweredatthesametime.
Withaquickglanceoutthewindow,Ihadtoask.“Tellmesomething,doesanyoneworkontheircars

neartheparkatyourbuilding?”

“No,notthatI’veeverseen.”
“Hmm.”Ithankedthewaitressforthecoffee.“WhenIwentoutthismorning,Buttersfoundantifreeze

underthebenchbythetree.”

Herheadshotupfromhermenu.“Didhedrinkany?”
“No,Istoppedhimbeforehedid.”
“Jesus.”Sheflippedherhairoutofherface.“Thatdoesn’tmakeanysense.There’snowaytogetacar

inthere,anyway.”

“Thatwasmythought.I’llspeaktoyourlandlordlater.”
“Okay.” She nodded then looked outside. “Winter is coming in fast.” I noticed her hand went to her

neck.

“YougoingtovisitKennytoday?”
Hereyesmovedtomine.“Notsureyet.”
“Yousuregoaboveandbeyondforyourpatients,Mia.”Shedidn’tsayanything.“Dr.Evansdoesn’t

havetime?Whatiswrongwiththeboy,anyway?Wedidn’tgettothatlastnight.”

Herneckmusclesstrainedasshecoveredhermouth.Itookherhandtoletherknowshecouldtalkto

meaboutit.

“HehasCJD.”
“Oh,shit.”Ihadheardofit.Irubbedmyforeheadwithmyfreehand.Creutzfeldt-JakobDiseasewould

beahorriblewaytogo.Itwasmadcowdiseaseforhumans,makingthebrainlooklikeaspongewhen
thenervesstartedtodie.

“ButCJDmostlyoccursinolderpeople.”
“Hereditary. Turned out his grandfather tested positive for the genetic mutation. Kenny’s case is

extreme.Theysaidthey’veneverseenitinsomeonesoyoungandhaveitattacksofast.”

“Jesus.”
“He’shaditforfivemonths,andhishallucinationshithard.”Shestaredoutthewindowasshespoke.

“Hismother,Kiley,wasmybestfriend.Shediedayearandahalfagofromaheadinjury.Kenny’sfather
never stuck around, and her parents never wanted anything to do with him.” She paused to pick up her
napkinandwipedthecornerofhereye.“Iwasallshehad,andshemademepromisetolookafterhim.
ShewasthebestfriendIhadintheworld.”Herthroatcontracted.“AndIcan’tkeepmypromisetoher.”

“Hey,”Iheldherhandtighter,“youcouldn’thavestoppedhimgettingthatdisease.”
Shenodded,butIcouldseeherguiltweighedherdown.
“Doesn’tmakeiteasier,though.”

“No,itdoesn’t.”Ishookmyheadatthewaitresswhenshemadeeyecontactwithme.“So,that’swhy

hecallsyouMom?”

“He’sseeingher.Welookedalotalike.Wewerebestfriendssinceweweresix,andwespentalotof

timeateachother’shouses.Ilovedherlikeasister.Icouldn’tletherdown.Ifitbringshersonanysmall
bitofhappiness,untiltheend,Iwillputmylifeonholdforhim.”

“Whyisn’thesomewherehecangetpropercare?”
Shegavemeasadsmile.“Idon’thavecustodyofhim.Herbrotherdoes.AllEdisonseesisacash

cowfromthestate.WheneverKennygetsreallybad,hejustdumpshimatthehospital.Oncehe’sstable,
hetakeshimhomeagain,butIdoubthegivesadamnabouthim.Hedoesn’tevenvisit.”

“Isthatwhyyoumovedhere?”
Sheletoutalongbreathandnodded.“Yeah,whenIfoundoutwhereEdisonlived,andtherewasa

positionopennearby,ItookittokeepaneyeonKenny.”

“Whatdoyourparentsthinkofthewholesituation?”
Sheturnedhercupinherhands.“They’veknownKennysincehewasbaby,andtheyknowwhathas

happenedtohim,buttheythinkI’mwastingmylifeworryingabouthim.”Herchinquiveredbeforeshe
cuppedhermouth.“He’sjustaboywholosthismotherandwasrobbedofalife.Howdoyouletthatgo?
Howcanyoujustwalkaway?Ifitwasmeinthatposition,Iwouldn’twantpeopletogiveuponme.I
knowthere’sstillapartofhimthatknowswhat’sgoingon.”ShesawtheexpressionIhadn’trealizedwas
showing.“What?”

“Sorry.”IkissedherhandbeforeIlethergo.“You’rejustareallygoodperson.”
“I’dtradethatinforKennytohavehislifeback.”
“Iknow.”Isignaledthewaitresstobringourcheck.
That evening, after a long walk, we swapped more stories and enjoyed dinner at a hole-in-the-wall

restaurant.

Itwasdark,andthewindswirledthefreshlyfallensnowintoaglitterstorm.WithMia’shandinmine,

we walked down the street toward her apartment. The day had been fun, but I could tell she was tired
now. She finally took her painkillers when I pointed out it was hurting her when she spoke. She joked
about the fact there was pocket fluff on the pills when I handed them to her, but she accepted them and
managedtoswallowthem.

WhenIsawthegatewasstillopenandthestreetwasclear,Ituggedherarmtofollow.
“Wherearewegoing,Mark?”
“Overhere.”Iletherentertheparkfirst.Itwasemptyexceptforamanwithhisdog,andtheywere

leaving.Istoppedwhenwewereafewfeetinsidethewoods.“Lookup.”

Sheleanedherheadbackandsawthefrostedtreetopssparkleunderthelightofthemoon.
“Wow.”Shegrinned.“It’sbeautiful.”
Wrappingmyarmsaroundherwaistandholdingherclose,Ibentdownandwhispered,“Closeyour

eyes.”

“Okay.”Shewiggledagainstme.
Mylipstouchedhercoldcheek.“Doyouhearthat?”
Herheadtwitchedslightly.“No.”
“Exactly,”Isighed.“It’sperfect.”
Herarmscoveredmine,andwestoodthereenjoyingararemomentwhennothingmatteredbutthetwo

ofus.

I rested my cheek against her hair and started to hum my one of my favorite Christmas carols, one

AbigailusedtosingtoColeandmewhenweweretuckedinbed.“Oh,HolyNight.”Mia turned in my
arms,tuckedonearminsidemyjacket,andheldmyhandwiththeother.Shestartedtoswaytothemusic,
herheadfallingtomychestwithahappysigh.

Righthere,rightnow,thiswaswhyIfoughtsohardtokeepthedarknessout.Iwouldnotletmypast

jademe.

Withastepback,Iraisedherhandandgaveheraspin,andthenIdippedherlow.Ipulledherbackup

withease,butstoppedtogiveherakiss.

***

“Doyoulikethesafehouse?”Miaaskedinasleepyvoice.We’dbeeninbedforanhourbynow,and

thiswasthefirsttimewe’dactuallystoppedtouchingeachother.

Ituckedthepillowagainstmychesttolookather.
“Ido.It’sbeenmyhomeforsolongnowit’shardtothinkoflivinganywhereelse.”Mystomachfell

whenIsawherface.Ireachedoverandranmyfingeralongherbrow.

“What’swrong?”Hergazedroppedtomychest.“Hey.”
Shebegantospeakbutthenstoppedherselfandmovedtositup.Shepulledthewhitesheetoverher

chest. “We’ve known each other for, what, roughly three months now?” I nodded, curious to see where
thiswasgoing,butshedidn’tsayanythingelse.

“What?”
Hermouthopenedandclosed.“Nothing.”
“Tellme.”Itriedtopushher,butsheclammedup.Insteadofpushing,Ituckedherundermychinand

webothfellasleep.

***

Mycellrangaroundeleveno’clockthenextnight.Miahadfallenasleepafterwewatchedamovie.

OnceIsawthename,Ihurriedtothehallwayandanswered.

“Howdidyougetthisnumber?”
Manuellaughedhumorlessly.“You’dbesurprisedwhatIcanfindout.”
Ididn’tbite.“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Meetmeatthecarwashdownthestreet.”
“Wait,”myskinprickled,“you’rehere?”
“Tenminutes,littlebro.”Hehungup.
IgaveColeaquickcallandfilledhimin.Hesaidtobecareful,buttogoincaseheshowedupather

apartment.

Shit,shit,shit!
IdrapedablanketoverhersmallshouldersandwroteaquicknotesayingI’dberightback.
Itwasfreezingoutside.Athinlayeroffrostwasalreadyovermywindshield.Slippingmygloveson,I

decidedtowalksinceitwasonlytwoblocks.

I tried not to think about how or why he was here. I was just glad he wanted me to meet him

somewhereawayfromMia.

Onceatthecarwash,Istayedunderthelightsohecouldfindme.Theplacewasdead,justsomeyoung

kidwithearphoneswatchingthecashregister.

“Mark.”Hisvoicecamefromsomewhereatthesideofthelot.Inearlyjumpedwhenheemergedfrom

theshadows.“Youcame.”

“DidIhaveachoice?”
Heshrugged.“Look,Ineedcashnow.”
“And?”

Hesteppedtowardme.“They’regoingtokillme.”
“Youmadeyourbed,nowsleepinit.”
“Youwouldletyourownbrothergetmurderedforthesakeofafewbucks?”
“No.”IstoodstraightersoIcouldproveIwasn’tthelittleboyIoncewas.“Don’tputyourmistakeson

me.”

“Youhaveafewofthose,don’tyou,littlebrother?”
Iraisedmyfist,butstoppedmyself.“Iwasseven,Manuel,inabadplace,withnohelpfromanyof

you.Whathappenedwasanaccident,thatwasall.”

“Youshouldhavegonetojail.”
“Trustme,”Inearlyshouted,“Iam.”

***

Mia

Iwoketoafoulsmell,onethatdraggedmeoffthecouchandtomytrashcan,wonderingwhatthehell

itwas.Iliftedthelidandpeekedinside,butfoundnothingbutwrappersandabananapeel.Isearched
underthetable,inthelaundryroom,inmycloset.Idroppedtomykneesandranmyarmunderthecouch.
That’swhenIfeltit,andIwrappedmyfingersaroundsomethingwetandhard.

“Oh,myGod!”MystomachturnedwhenIsawwhatIwasholding—abloodybonewithsomeflesh

wrappedaroundthetip.Igagged,ranitovertothewastebin,andtosseditinside.Iwashedmyhandsand
tiedthebaginalargeknot.

“Damnyou,Butters,”IcursedasIslippedonmyfurryboots.Ilookeddownatmytightyogapantsand

oversized tank. “Whatever.” I grabbed my keys and headed out into the hallway and to the trash chute
aroundthecorner.

“Youhavegottobekiddingme!”Ituggedonthehandle,butitwouldn’tmove.Myskincrawledatthe

thought of the bone buried under a pile of wrappers. The only thing separating us was a thin layer of
plastic.

Theheavydoorshutbehindme.Ilookeddownthestaircaseandmutteredabouthowmucheffortthis

wasgoingtotake.

Imadeitdownoneflightbeforeashadowabovemecaughtmyattention.Tippingmyheadback,Itried

toseewhoitwas.AbluelightflashedoutovertheedgebutshotbackwhenIsetthetrashbagdown.

“Hello?”Myfingerswrappedaroundtherail,Ileanedovertoseeupward.Ihatedthisoldbuilding.

Everythingwascreepy,rightdowntothesmell.Likeanoldtheater,musty,andtheeverpresenthumfrom
thefluorescentlights.

Well, whoever it was must have left. A door shut, proving my theory. The nasty trash bag dragged

behindmeasIworkedmywaydown.

JustasIhitthebottomfloor,thelightsflickedoff.
“Shit.”Ipulledoutmycellphoneandfumbledwiththescreenbutfinallyturnedonmyflashlight.Iwas

scanningthewallnexttomewhensomethinghardhitmyarmandsentmyphoneflyingacrossthefloor.

“Ahhhh,” I screamed before a hand slapped over my mouth. I jerked and managed to free myself. I

leapedinthedirectionofthestairs,andIgotthreestepsbeforehegrabbedmyankleandbroughtmyfeet
out from under me. My arms flew to protect my head, but my wrists took most of the impact, sending
intensepainuptomyelbows.“Stop!Help,somebody,please!”

Hetriedtopinmewithhisbody,butIbuckedandkicked.SomehowIwiggledfreeandcrawledtomy

phone.JustasIwenttoreachforit,hekickedmyribs,andIfelltomystomachwithacry.Myadrenaline

pushedmeon,butthepainwassobadIwassureoneoftheribswasbroken.Icouldn’tseeathing.Itwas
pitchblack;hecouldbeanywhere.

Hisjeansmadeaflexnoiseashebentdowntothefloor.Hebrushedmywethairoutofmytears.I

squeezedmyeyesshut,terrifiedofwhathewoulddonext.

“Pitytohurttosuchaprettywoman,”hecooedashisfingersslidacrossmysoreneck.“IseeI’mnot

theonlyone.”

“Please,”Isobbedintothedarkness.
Helockedhishandaroundmychin,whichfrozemynervesinplace.Hislipspushedtomine.Itriedto

fighthim,butheslammedmyarmstotheground.WhenIfelthishandmovetomypants,Icheckedout.I
wasn’tmeanymore.

“Anyonedownthere?”someoneyelledfromthetopfloor.Aflashlightmovedabout.
Itriedtoscream,buthishandcoveredmymouth.
“Tellyourboyfriendtopayup.”Hemovedawayfromme.“Apartment5G,”hestatedbeforeIheard

hisfootstepsretreating.Irolledmyheadtofollowhissound.Hesteppedinfrontofmyphonelight,andI
sawblackjeansabovewhiteVanssneakers.

Withthelastofmystrength,Islitheredovertomyphone,andclutchingitwithmytremblingfingers,I

calledmylastdialednumber.

IsobbedwhenIheardhisvoicemailclickin.“You’vereachedMarkLopez.Leaveamessage.”
“Mark,”Ibarelysqueaked,“I—ah…”Idroppedthephonefrommyearandsobbedintomyhands.
“Hello?”theguyyelledfromthetopagain.“Thepowershouldbebackonsoon.”
Ihurriedtomyfeetandracedupthestairswithmyphonelightingtheway.Mysidehurt,butnothing

mattered.Iwantedtobehomeinsidemyapartmentwithalock.Hisflashlightfoundme,illuminatingmy
entirebody.“Hey,miss,areyouokay?”

Hurry,hurry,hurry.Thebloodpoundedthroughmyhead.
Iflungmyselfthroughmyapartmentdoor,slammeditshut,andtwistedthedeadbolt.Becalm.You’re

safe.Hedidn’trapeyou.You.Are.Okay.

“Holyshit.”MyhandshookasIraisedittomyforeheadandsqueezedmytemplesforrelief.Isucked

inasharpbreath.Thisiscrazy.MyshakylegswobbledwhenIreachedoutforthecounter.Ialreadygot
hurtoncethismonth.Whyhasithappenedtwice?Afewmoresteps,andIfoundthecornerandsankto
myknees.IsMarkreallyinvolvedinthis?Theweightofthesituationcrushedme.

Withasigh,Iletmyselfbreak,andsoonfellintoaheavysleeponthefloorwhereIwantedtobelieveI

wassafe.

Hegrippedmyhand,andIwasreadyforhisnextmove.Idodgedhiskiss,buthestillhitmycheek.

“Tellhimtopayup.”Hiswordsrushedtomyear,likeasiren.

Ijoltedawake,butcriedoutinpain.Fuck.Myphoneflashedatme,andIsawIhadmissedtwovoice

messagesandthreetextsfromMark.Withblurryeyes,Iopenedthemessageicon.

Mark:Ididn’tgettherestofyourvoicemessage.Areyouallright?

Tenminuteslater.

Mark:I’mreallysorry,Mia,Ihadtomeetaco-worker.I’llbebackinthemorning,okay?

Threehourslater.

Mark: Having a hard time falling asleep when I haven’t heard from you. Call me, please.

Whenyoucan.Xo.

The phone landed on my bed as I very carefully pulled on my dark grey zip-up hoodie and Chucks.

ThankGodtheywereworninandIdidn’thavetotiethem.MyribswereahugenewpainIcouldn’teven
tapintoyet.

Itookmywalletandphoneandheadedtothehospital.
Deep breath. I inched to my right to glance around the corner then pulled back. Come on. Again, I

leanedforwardandfoundVikkiTaylorspeakingwithMolly.Fuck.Itappedmyfingeragainstmylegand
countedtoten.

“Mia?Isthatyou?”
Hello,Alvin.
“Hey.”Igaveasmallwave.
“Areyouokay?”Helookedaroundthensteppedtowardme.
“Not really.” I flinched when I attempted to stand straighter. He glanced over my shoulder, and I

clearedmythroat.“Youthinkyoucouldhelpmeout?Youknow,quietly?”

Hestaredatmeamomentthennoddedformetofollow.
“Flippin’hell,Mia,youcanseethedentwherehekickedyou.”Heshookhisheadatmyface.Iwas

beyondpissedthathehadverballybeatenthetruthoutofme.“I’dsaysizeelevenboot.”

“Sneaker,”Icorrectedhissarcasm.
“Unfuckingbelievable.”
“Tellthattomyside.”
I could he see was worried, and I was thankful. It was nice to see it in someone I didn’t know that

well.“Areyouokay?”

Ilookeddown.“Ihonestlydon’tknow.”
Heplacedasomewhatawkwardhandonmyshoulder.“YouwantmetocallMarkforyou?”
“No,”Igavehimaweaksmile,“Icalledhim.”
“Okay.”
“Thankyou…though.”
Heflashedasmilebeforehisseriousexpressionreturned.“Weneedtoreportthis.”
Mybloodpressuredropped,alongwithmyabilitytobreathe.“No!”
“Mia,youwereassaultedinyourbuilding.Godknowswhothatmanwas.”
Iwasgoingtobesick.“YouthinkI’ddresslikethisinpublic?Togotomywork?No!Icamehere

hopingafriendwouldhelpmewithoutanyquestions.”

“Mia,”hiseyeswidenedinshockatmyoutburst,“I’monlylookingoutforyou.”
“Iknow.”Islippedoffthetableandtuckedmyjacketagainstmysoreribcage.“ButwhatIneedfrom

youisyourfriendship.”Ihurriedoutanddownthehallway.

Beforetheelevatordoorsevenopened,Icouldheartheyellingfromthebottomfloor.
“Thisisoutrageous!”
Mystomachsankrightasthedoorsopened.IsteppedoutandfoundMarkpacingtheERwaitingroom

likehewasabouttoerupt.

“Mark.”Thereceptionistnoddedinmydirection.
Hisgazesnappedovertome,andhisfacefellandheseemedtoshakeoffatwitch.Inthreestrideshe

wasinfrontofme.Hestartedtotouchmebutstoppedhimself.

“Quesejodamivida!Odioqueestoysiendoperseguidoporunasombracodicioso.”Heshookhis

headatmyblanklook.Ihadnoideawhathejustsaid.

Iopenedmymouthtospeak,butcloseditashesteppedtowardmeandkissedmycheeksoftly.

“Sorry.”Heclosedhiseyes.“HappenswhenIgetthatangry.CanItakeyouhome?”
Inoddedandtookthehandheoffered.
Onceinsidetheelevator,hewrappedhisarmaroundmyhipbutstayedveryquiet.Heactedthesame

wayuntilwewerealmosthome.

“Mia,Ineedtoknowwhathappened.”
Isighedandpulleddownmyhoodie.“Iwenttotakethetrashout,andwhenIwasatthebottom—”
“Bottom?”
“Yes,thebottomfloorhasthetrashcans.”
“Whathappenedtothetrashchute?”
“Itwouldn’topen.”
Hesquintedattheroad.“Okay.”
“Anyway,Ihadtowalktothebottomfloor.”
“Whynottaketheelevator?”heinterrupted.
“AmIawitnesstosomething,here,Mark?What’swiththequestions?”
Heclosedhiseyesbriefly.“Sorry.”
“I skipped the elevator because there were new neighbors moving in and tying up the elevator the

wholeday,keepingitblockedonthetopfloorwhiletheyloadedandunloaded.Onceinsidethestairwell,
Isawsomeone,butcouldonlyseeabitofajacket.Ithoughttheyhadleft,andmaybetheydid,butthenhe
wasjustthere.”Ifeltmyselfslip,butIgotittogether.

“Whatdidhedo?”Hisgriptightenedaroundthewheel.
“Hetriedtoforcehimselfonme,twice.”Iswallowedhard.“Gavemyribsagoodbeating.”Imoved

to find a comfortable position. “He told me to tell you…” He looked over at me with a strange
expression.

“Tellmewhat?Mia?”
“Totellyouthatyouneedtopayup.”
Hedidn’tblink,twitch,orflinch.Hejustlookedbackattheroadandsmoothlypulledoverontothe

shoulder.

“Whatdidhelooklike?”
“Idon’tknow—”
“Howdoyounotknow?”
“Thepowerwentoutrightbeforehe—”Iclearedmythroat.“AllIknowisheworejeansandwhite

Vanssneakers.”

“Accent?Smells?Feelanythingdifferent?”
“I-Idon’tknow.Iwasn’treallytakingnotesashedrovehisfootintomyribsorwhenhetriedtorape

me.”Asoblodgedinmythroatandcutmyvoiceoff.

Markclosedhiseyesandplacedhishandonmine.
“Doyouknowwhoitwas,Mark?”
“I have an idea.” His voice changed as he pulled out his phone and held his it to his ear. “Lopez,

ML536.IneedasecurelinetoColonelLogan.”

Hekepthiseyesstraightahead.
“Cole.”Hisvoicebrokethroughallmyattemptstostaycalm.“Ordermeascotch,neat.IthinkIhave

dinnerplansthatmightrunlong.”

Whatthehellisgoingon?
“Neverbeenmoresure,”hesaid,hiseyescreasingashelistened.“Thanks.”
Hetuckedhisphoneintothesidepocketofhismilitarystylepants.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hetookmyhand,broughtittohismouth,andkissedmyknuckles.“Protectingyou.”

CHAPTERSEVEN

Mark

“Packanything,Mia,justhurry.”Shestoodattheendofherbedandwatchedmefillherdufflebag.
“Ithinkyou’reoverreacting.”Ishookmyheadandgrabbedahandfulofpantiesandpushedthemtothe

bottomcorner.

“Trustme,I’mnot,”Imuttered.
“Ineedtowork.WhataboutKenny?”
“Kennydoesn’tevenknowyou.”AssoonasIsaidit,Ifroze.Oh,myfuck.DidIreallyjustsaythat?I

turnedtofindherglossyeyesgluedtothefloor.Yeah,Idid.

“Oh,Mia,Ididn’tmeanthat.”Itriedtopullhertome,butshejerkedherarmbackwithawinceof

pain.Idroppedmyhead.Suchanasshole.

Shewalkedacrossthelivingroom,tothekitchen,andopenedthefrontdoor.
Myfistswenttomyforehead.Iwantedtohaulherovermyshoulderandracetothesafehouse,butI

couldn’t.

ImovedtostandinfrontofherandIwhispered,“Pleasecomewithme.”
“I’veknownyouforthreemonths.I’veknownKennyforsixteenyears.Don’tmakemepick,because

I’llchosehim.”

“Buthehurtyou.”
“So did you, with all this—” she waved her hand in a circle, “—situation.” She closed her eyes

briefly.

Iwantedtosayouch,becauseshewasright.Idid.Iunderstoodwhatshemeant.
Herhandrattledthedoorknob.“Ithinkyoushouldgo.”
“Arewebreakingup?”Myhandwenttohers.Ineededtobegrounded.
“No,”hereyesmovedtomine,“IthinkIjustneedabreather.Thingsarehappeningtoofastbetween

us,andit’sallabitintense.”

Welcometomylife.
I slipped my hand into my pocket. I felt strange standing in the hallway while her hurt heart pulled

awayfrommine.

“Jesus,Mia,I’mnervous!Youwerejustattacked.I’mnotsurehowtoprotectyouifyouwon’tletme

in.”

“I’llcallyoulater.”Herfacepaledassheshutthesteeldoor.

***

“Yousaidwhat,exactly?”SavannahhadbeentryinghardtounderstandwhathappenedwithMiaand

meforthepastthreedays.I’dremainedquiet,butnowIhadaterriblefeelinginthepitofmystomach,
anditwasscrewingwithmyemotions.SoIfinallygavein,hopingI’dfeelatinybitbetter.Iwaswrong.
“YoureallysaidthataboutKenny?”

“Yeah,’causeColehasn’tfuckedupbefore?”Itossedback.Shehadtrappedmeinthelivingroom.
Shebracedherhandsonherhips.“Yeah,hehas.”
“Whyyoudeflectingontome?”Colehissedfromthechairaroundamouthfulofcookie.Ididn’teven

knowhewasthere.

“Sorry,man.”
“Don’tpointfingers,Mark.Growasetandmanup,”shescolded.
IglancedatKeith,whohaddecidedtojoinus.“Thelady’sright.”
“Ahh.” I jammed my fists against either side of my head. I couldn’t take any more fingers running

throughmyhair.“Okay,Iscrewedup,butcanwepleasefocusonwhatisimportant?IthinkitwasManuel
whoattackedher.”

Colebrushedhisfingersclean.“Well,whydon’twegoandspeakwithhim,then?”
“I’vebeentryingtogetholdofhim,buthe’snotansweringhisphone.”
Colepulledouthisradio.“John,trackManuelLopez’phone.Ineedalocation.”
“10-4.”
“WestillhaveJohnwatchingher.Shejustgoestothehospitalandthenbacktoherplace.Sheislying

prettylow.Onlygoesoutwiththedogandbackin,”Coleassuredme.

“Butyouneedtocallher,Mark.”Savannahhandedmemycellphone.“Justcheckinonher,atleast.”
Ifoundhernameinmycalllogandhitdial.Alineofsweatbrokeacrossmyshouldersasitrang.
“Hi,you’vereachedMiaHarper.”Hercheerfulvoicehitmehard.
“Hey,hon,Ijust…”IletoutalongsighwhenIsawSavannah’sexpression.“Ijustwantedtocheckin

andseehowyouare.”Sheflickedherhandatmetokeeptalking.“Imissyou,Mia,alot.”

Savannahlookedlessthanimpressed.
“What?”
“Nowwhat?”
IlookedatColeforhelp,buthepretendedtoplayonhisphone.IglancedatKeithforanything.
Heshruggedashepoppedacookieinhismouth.“Iwouldhavechippedher,butthat’sjustme.”
Savannahtossedapillowathim,andhecaughtit,laughing.
“Whenisyournextassignment?”SaviaskedCole,wholookedupwhenshespoke.
“ThisFriday.”
“Okay,then.”Shelookedatme.
“What?”
“Men.”Withasigh,shedroppedherarmsandhitherlegswithathud.“Gogether.Winherback,fight

for what you love.” I blinked at her. “Mark,” she moved in front of me, “Cole fought for me, and look
wherewearenow.”Shegavemeherfamoussweetsmilethatletyoufeelhowmuchshecared.“Iwant
youtohavewhatIhave.I’mhappy,andyoushouldbetoo.Iwantmyhappy,cookiestealing,brother-in-
lawback.”

“Butshesaidshewantedspace,and—”
“It’sbeenthreedays.Haveyouspokentoheratall?”
“Yeah,”Isankintoachair,“IreachedoutwhenIarrivedatthehouse.Onceafterthat,butonlytexting,

neveronthephone.”

“Go,gether,then.What’stheworstthatcanhappen—?”
“Shecouldrejectme!”

“So,” her tone made me look over at her, “don’t let her. Prove you two are right for one another.

Convince her it was just your fear that something would happen to her that made you act like such an
idiot!”

“This is all very Gone with the Wind for me,” Keith muttered as he stood, but Savannah whirled

aroundandpointedinhisdirection.“Don’tgofar,Keith.You’renext.”

“Me?”
“Yes,you!”
“Run,man.”ColelaughedasheheldSavannah’schinandgaveheralongkiss.“God,Iloveyou!”He

grinned.“Ihaveworktodo.Mark,gogetMia,butIneedyouFriday.”

Inodded,knowingIcouldn’tmissanotherassignment.Truthfully,Ididn’twantto.Keithslippedout

themomentSavannahwasunderCole’sspell.OnekissfromCole,andshewasdone.

Iwasn’tfarbehindbutdecidedtotakeadetourintothekitchenwhereIsnaggedacoupleofcookies.I

hadjustmadeittothetopofthestairswhenIheardhervoice.

“MarcusCarterLopez.”Abigailstoodinherbedroomdoorway.“What’sthisIhearaboutyouletting

Miago?”

“Ididn’t—”
“Noexcuses,son.”Shesteppedforwardandgavemeahugthenturnedmetowardthedoor.“I’lllet

thechopperknowyou’llbereadyinthirty.”

Well,Iguessthat’sthat.
ThewholewaybacktoNorthDakota,IkeptincontactwithCole.Manuel’sphonesaidhewasstillin

NorthDakota,buthewasn’tanswering.Odd,consideringhewassohardupforcash.

***

WhenIgottothehospital,itwascrazy.Apparently,acitybushitsomeblackiceandendedupina

river.Twodeadatthescene,andninemorewithseriousinjuries.Thecabdriverhadfilledmeinonthe
way.Thenoisewasincredible.

“Hey!”amanyelledasAlvinwenttocheckthecutonhisshoulder.Asmallpolehadbeendriveninto

hismuscle.“Don’ttouchme.I’mnotahomo.”

Alvinheldhishandsup.Helookedbeyondbeat.Iwonderediftheyallhadhadtopulldoubleshifts

becauseofthisaccident.

Ihurriedoverjustastheguymadeanotherloudcomment.Inoticedthepolewasatanoddangleand

mightbeclosetotheguy’sspine.I’dseenenoughcombatinjuriestoknowitwasinabadplace.“This
guybetterbeheadingtotheOR,Alvin,thatpoleisprettynearthespine.”

“Okay.”Alvindidn’tquestionhejustranoff.
“Pervert!”theguycommentedagain,lookingatthedepartingAlvin.“I’mnotintomen!”
Ishookmyheadandleanedovertowarnhimtoshutupwhenthesmellofboozehitme.Hisbeardwas

fullofpuke,andhisbreathstank.

“Luckyforyou,I’mnoteither,”Imuttered.Icheckednoonewaslooking,andcarefullyfeltalonghis

neck.

“Toomanymenwereputtogetherwrong.Theyhavedicksandwanttits.”
Wow.
“Youknow,pal,statisticsshowmenwhoarehomophobicareactuallyhidingfromtheirowntruth.”
Hisfaceflinched,butheshutupforamoment.Ilookeddownandnoticedhisbloodyknuckles.
“Yourunningyourmouthonthebus,buddy?”
Hegavemeadirtylookbutdidn’tdenyit.

Ididnoticetwopoliceofficerswerehangingoutbythedoor.Iscannedtheroomandpickedupona

young man with a pink polo sporting a fat lip and black eye. The pieces of the puzzle immediately
droppedintoplace.

JustasIwasabouttoleave,oneoftheofficerswasatmysidewithcuffs.
“Mr.Tarp,weneedtocuffyoutothebeduntilwehaveallthedetailsofwhathappenedonthatbus.”
“Thehellyouare!”Themanattemptedtomovebutscreamedoutinpain.Theofficercuffedtheman

andstayedbyhisbedasIleft.

Pieceoftrash.
Ifinallymadeitupstairstoherfloor.AfrazzledNurseTaylorwashandlingtwophones,talkingonone

andtextingontheother.

“WhatcanIhelpyouwithtoday?”Shedidn’tlookupasIstoodatthecounter.
“Busydownstairs.”
Herheadsnappedup,buthernormalsmilewasn’tthere.“Hey,Mark,badtiming,hon.”
“What’swrong?”
Shelookedaroundandwasabouttosaymore,butcursedwhenthephonerang.“Thirddooronyour

right.”Shepointedbehindme.

Ididn’tstickaroundtoask.Ijustfollowedherdirections…toadoorthatread‘Chapel.’
Pushingtheheavydooropen,Isteppedintoadarkroomwherecandlespulsedtothehumofthecentral

air.

Ahugewoodencrosstippedforwardfromthebase.Thebacklightmadetheshadowevenlarger.
Iwasn’toverlyreligious,butIdidbelieveourenergyhadtogosomewhere.Ididn’tbelievewewere

meant to live only this life. I thought when this life was up, we just pressed restart and did it again as
someoneorsomethingelse.Ididn’tliketodigtoodeepintothehowandwhyofit.Ifoundmypeacein
otherways.

Asniffofftotheleftindicatedwhereshewas.Miasatlookingsotinyandstaringupattheceiling.
Shejumpedwhenshesawme.Shedriedhercheeksandletoutalongbreath.
“Hi,”shewhisperedasImovedcloser.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Ineededtoseeyou.”
Her eyes filled with fresh tears as she nodded sadly. Then she let out a silent sob, her shoulders

shaking.

“Oh,hon.”Igrabbedhershouldersandpulledhertome.Shesobbedintomyshirt.Iloweredtothe

benchandbroughtherwithme.“I’mhere.”Irubbedherback,keepingmyrhythmwhileshepouredout
herpain.Thechapelwasquietandcoolandpeaceful.

“He’sgone,”shesaidsoftly.
Kenny.IsilentlythankedSaviforthetimingsoIwasabletobehereforherrightnow.
“Oh,Mia,I’msosorryaboutKenny.Iwassuchanidiotbefore.Iknowhowmuchyoulovedhim.I

knowhowmuchyouhurt.Youknowthat,right?”Ikissedherhead.

“Iknow.I’msorrytoo,andsosad,andsotired.”Sheleanedforwardandstaredupatthecross.“Ican

honestlysayI’mnotsurewhattodonow.Ifeelnumbinside.”

“It’stheshock.”Iclearedmythroatandpulledadvicefrommyownhistory.“It’shardtoseethepath

you’lltakethisfarahead.It’shardtobelievethepainwillpass,butitwill,slowly,overtime.You’llfind
yourdirection.”

Shelookedupatmeasatearslippeddownhercheek.“Themomentanyonesteppedinbetweenme

andKennyIputupawall.I’vebeenfightingtobewithhimforsolong,againsteveryone’sadvice.”She
closedhereyesasmoretearsleakedout.“I’msorryIpushedyouaway.”

Ihatedtoseeherhurting.“Whendoesyourshiftend?”
Shecheckedherwatch.“Twohoursago.”

Istoodandofferedherahand,andsheletmehelpherup.Istartedtogiveherakissbutstoppedright

aboveherlips.

“Isthiswhatyouwant?”IneededhertoknowIwouldnotpushher.
Sheslidherhandaroundmyneckandgentlypulledmetoher.Thekisswasslowandsoft.Imovedmy

bodycloserandwrappedmyarmaroundherback,needingtofeelher.

Shepulledbackandrestedherforeheadonmychest.“Canyoutakemehome?”
Myhandfoundhers,andsheslippedherfingersbetweenmineandheldon.
Wemanagedtogetoutofthehospitalbeforeanyonespottedher,althoughAlvindidmoutha‘Thank

you’tomewhenhesawusleaving,whichwasnice.

Oncewewereinthecar,Mialeanedherheadagainstthedoorandclosedhereyes.Poorthingwas

exhausted.

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadagoodnight’ssleep?”Iasked,turningthehotaironher.
Sheyawned.“Fourdaysago.”
Icursedundermybreathandwavedtothesecurityguardwhoraisedthegateaswelefttheproperty

andheadedforherapartment.

Miawrappedherbodyaroundmeaswewaitedinsidetheelevator.
“Youhungry?”Mylipsbrushedherear.Sheshookherhead.
Myphonerang,andIsawitwasCole.
“Lopez.”IgaveMiaasleepylookwhenshegazedupatme.
“His phone says North Dakota, but his sergeant said he was in New York yesterday. We’ll keep

digging.Meanwhile,what’syourplan?”

“Notsureyet.”
“You’rewithMia.”
“Yes.”
“Okay,callmewiththedetails.I’llpullJohnbackin.”
“Copythat.”
Iopenedthedoortolethergoinsidefirst.AnoddfeelinghitmeasIscannedtheapartment.Something

wasoff.

“Istheheatinthebuildingturnedoff?”Iaskedandmovedovertoherthermostat.Itread50

O

F.

“NotthatI’mawareof.”Shewrappedablanketoverhershoulders.“It’sfreezinginhere.”
Ididn’twanttoscareher,soIquietlymovedtoherbedbehindthepartitionandfoundherfireescape

windowwaswedgedopen.Ifollowedthewetpuddlestoherdresserthentohercloset.Thismusthave
been how they got in to plant the bone to lure her out of her apartment before. With a look over my
shoulder,IsawMiafillthekettle.WithadefensivestanceItuggedopenthedoorandflippedonthelight.

“Hey,Mia,canyoucomehere,please?”
Herfootstepsgotlouderthenstoppedwhenshecouldseethemessherclosetwasin.
“Oh,myGod.”Shelookedatme,wide-eyed.
Iturnedtofaceherscaredexpression.“Didyouhavecashhiddenupthere?Oranythingofanyvalue?”
“Ahh,”sheshookherhead,“nocash.Ihavealoosebaseboardforthat.”Shesteppedintothewalk-in

closetandfeltarounduntilshefoundaredlittlebox.“Justthis,myfather’swatch.”

Isteppedbackoutandnoticedherjewelry,crystalvase,andcamerawerestillthere.
“Idon’tthinkthiswasarobbery.”Iwentbacktothewindowandclosediteasily.“Ithinkthiswasa

message.”

“What?”Hervoicematchedherbodylanguage.
“They left everything, left the window open when they could have closed it, and purposely left

footprints.Mia,you’renotsafehere.Willyoupleasecomewithmethistime?Please?”

Herwideeyeslookedaroundherplaceasitallsankin.“Okay.”

“Okay?”IquestionedandhopedIwasrightinmyfeeling.
“Okay,I’llgowhereverwithyou.”
Intwostrides,Iwasinfrontofher.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundherbodyandheldontightly.
Wepacked,checkedinwithherneighbor,andheadeddownstairstomycar.Justaswesteppedintothe

lobby,aguyapproachedus.

“Hi,Mia.”HesmiledandcameabitclosertoherthanIliked.“Areyouoffonatrip?”
Miaglancedatme.“Mark,thisisthenewbuildingmanager,Chris.”
Iofferedmyhandbuthedidn’ttakeit.Okay…
“Yes,”Iansweredforherandpurposelywrappedmyarmaroundherandkissedhercheek.“Amuch

neededvacation.”

“Nice,”hemutteredthenopenedthedoorforus.“Havefunandstaysafe.”
“Thanks.”Shewavedasweheadedouttomycar.Ididnoticehewatchedfromthelobby.
IexplainedtoMiaonthewaytothechopperabitaboutwhattoexpectupahead.Mostpeoplewould

be intimidated about being taken to an unknown destination, but she smiled her trust at me. My heart
swelled,andifIhadn’tbeensoworried,Iwouldhavestoppedthecarandhuggedher.Ashorttimelater,
Ipulledthecaroverandreachedbehindherseatandplacedacontractonherlap.

“Iamsorryforthispart,Mia,but—”
“It’sokay.”Shetookthecontractandstartedtoread.Onceshewasfinished,shesigneditandhanded

itback.“Iunderstand,Mark,anditisokay.Idon’tmindsigning.”

Ismiledatherandgaveherapeckonthesideofthehead.ThenItuckedthepaperworkinmybagand

movedthecarforwardandaroundanoldbuilding.“Well,hon,”Igrinnedather,“hopeyou’renotafraid
ofheights.”

“Why?”Shelookedaroundthenherhandflewtoherstomachwhenshesawthechopper.“Pleasetell

meyouhaveanAtivaninyourbag!”

“Howaboutastiffdrink?”Iopenedmydoor,grabbedherbags,andmovedaroundthecartoherdoor.

“I’llletyouholdmyhand.”

“Youalwaysholdmyhand.”Shesmiledbuttookmyhandinadeathgrip.
“You help ground me.” I shrugged. I didn’t care how I sounded; it was the truth. I tugged her in the

directionofthechopper.Itsblades,truetoitsname,werechoppingtheairintotinybits.

Hergazelockedontothepilot’sseataswetookoff.Ifeltbadforher.Ihadneverexperiencedthekind

offearthatseemedtocripplesomepeople.Fearofflying,fearofheights,fearofthedark,noneofitever
fazedme,andIwasdamngladofit.

Once in the air and on our way, I reached over and unattached the death grip her fingers had on the

frontofherseatandgaveitwhatIhopedwasacomfortingsqueeze.

“Youokay?”Myvoicedcrackledoverthespeakers.
“Askmeagainwhenmyfeetareonsolidground.”Shegrimacedbutwentbacktoherdeepbreathing.
Ileanedover,tiltedherchinsoshe’dlookatme,andkissedhersoftly.
“You deal with gunshot wounds, collapsed lungs, and car wrecks, but heights make you freeze.” I

laughed.

“Everyonehasafear,Mark,”hereyesnarrowedinonmine,“evenyou.”
Withasmirk,Inodded.“Igotyou.”
“Iknow,”shesaid,buthertightsmileandwhitefacesaidotherwise.
Igrinnedather.“YouknowIcantellwhenyou’relying,right?”

CHAPTEREIGHT

Mia

My fingers clawed at the five-point harness that, for the life of me, I could not release. I tugged,

yanked,andshookthedamnthing,butnothinghappened.Mark,ofcourse,slippedoutofhiswithease.He
smiled at my fumbling, kissed me, and commented that he rather enjoyed me when I was pissed. I was
abouttoheadbutthimwhenhebattedmyhandsawayandfinallyreleasedmefromthebeast.

OnceIwasfree,Ithrewmyselfintohisarmsandlethimliftmetothesweetearth.
HishandswenttomyelbowsasIgotmystillshakinglegsfirmedupunderme.
“Nexttime,IthinkI’lldrive,”Imutteredashelaughed.Hismoodseemedtolightensincewetouched

down on his stomping grounds. Which was good, because it just sank in that I was about to meet his
family.

“Come,letmeshowyoumyhome.”Hebeamedwithobviouspride.HeintroducedmetoDell,who

smiledatmeandwinkedashetookourbagsandfollowedusdownaslipperypath.Istoppedwhenwe
cametoaclearing.

“Wow.”Igawkedatthespecularviewofamassivecabininfrontofalake,wedgedinbetweenthe

mountains.Iknewthisplacewouldbenicebutthis…thiswassomethingelse.

“Iknow,hey!”
I’dneverseenhimsobubbly.
“Oh,myword!”Anolderladywiththekindestsmilewasmakingabeelineforus.Herhandswereup

intheairbeforesheevenreachedus,readyforahug.“Wouldyoulookatyou!”

“Mia,thislittlelady,”hehuggedherhardthentuckedherunderhischin,“isthelightofmylifeandthe

womanwhoraisedme,Abigail.”

“Mark,putmedown,boy,andletmeseeher!”sheadmonishedhim,laughing.Icouldseethelovethat

surroundedthem.Ilikedheralready.

“Oh,I’veheardalotaboutyou.”Ismiledandwelcomedthehugshewrappedmein.
“Wearesopleasedyouchosetocome,Mia.Areyouhungry,ormaybeyou’dlikeadrink?”
“Adrink! Please!” Mybody definitely neededhelp to relax. “Ithink I dieda thousand deaths inside

thathunkofsteelonthewayhere.”Ishuddered,lookingbackovermyshoulderatthething.“Pleasetell
mewecandrivehome.”

Abigaillaughedasshelinkedarmswithmeandwalkedmetothehouse.ShewaiteduntilMarkspoke

with Dell, who stood politely waiting next to my bags. “I rode that horrible contraption once, and they
nevergotmeinitagain.”

“Oh,Abby!She’shere!”AwomanwholookedjustlikeAbigailcametowardus,smilingawelcome.
“ThisismysisterJune.Sheliveshereaswell.”

“Nicetomeetyou,June.”
“Oh,Marcus,she’sadoll.”Junewinkedthensheandhersisterwalkedmeintothelivingroom.
“Wow.”Icouldn’tholdbackmyreaction.Thisplacejustkeptgoing.
Somehow I finished one glass of red wine and was on my second, I thought, and trying to take

everythingin.Junewasoneslipperywomanwiththebottle.

Savannah popped down earlier to give me a hug and to welcome me, but had to attend to their

daughter.Severalmencameandwent,andeachonestoppedandwasintroduced.Theyallseemednice,
buttheirnameshadnotstuck.Onlyoneguystoodout—Keith.Irememberedhimbecauseheseemedtobe
a bit on edge and kept glancing at his phone. He must have been waiting for someone. I fleetingly
wonderedifhehadgirlfriendtroubles.IwonderifKeithishisfirstnameorlast?WhenAbigailcalled
himout,hejustshookhisheadanddismissedthequestion.

“Comeon.”Markmotionedformetofollow.Heledmedownstairsandbegantogivemeatour.Iwas

amazedbyalltherooms,particularlytheentertainmentroom,theoffices,andSavannah’spianoroom.I
gotakickoutoftheJollyJumpernexttothebench.Oliviawasaveryluckybaby.Thisplacewouldbea
triptogrowupin.Somanylittleroomsandcubbyholes.Icouldonlyimaginewhatelsetherewashere
thattheycouldn’tevenshowme.

We climbed the stairs to the main floor again. “So we have the kitchen over there,” he continued,

pointingtoahugekitchenthatoverlookedthelake.“Diningroom,livingroom.Thendownthatway,”he
pointedtowardalonghallway,“isCole’sofficeattheend.Thehouseshrinknormallyholdshissessions
in the office next to his.” He took my hand, nearly pulling my arm off in his excitement as we climbed
more stairs. “These are our bedrooms up here. All team Blackstone lives up here, as well as the main
staffandafewotherswhohavemovedupintheirrankssincetheygothere.SoAbby,June,Cole,and
there’s a few open rooms for when we have guests. The rest of the men live in the other wing of the
house.”

Myheadwasspinning.Therewasalottotakein,andMark’senthusiasmmadehimtalksofastIknew

I’dneverrememberitall.Ifollowedashestarteddownthehallway.

“ThisisMike’sroom.He’sreallyscarylooking,buthe’sagiant—”
“Oh, I’m not all that scary,” a deep voice boomed behind me. I nearly leaped onto Mark’s back.

“Sorry,”hesaidwithagrin.Ihadtotiltmyheadbacktogetagoodlookathisappearance.

“Nicetats,”Iblurtedout,mentallysmackingmyselfbutdecidingtobraveitthrough.Hishandswhere

covered in red and black swirls. I stepped forward to get a better look at his sleeve. Black and silver
warriorswerefightingwhileonemanontopofarockstoodandwatched.Interesting.Ibettherewasa
story behind those…wait, now. “Ahh.” I pointed to a small troll doll tattoo nearly hidden down by his
wrist.

“Longstory.”Hesmiled,butafleetingexpressionshowedsomethingIcouldn’tpinpoint.
Marklaughedbehindme.“Morelikeaclosetobsession.”
“Lopez,blowmeabubble.”Mikeshookhishead.“Welcometothehouse,Mia.”
“Thanks.”Iwavedashedisappearedintohisroom.
“Myroom…umm,Imeanourroomisdownhere.”Aswewereabouttogointotheroom,astrange

bell-typesoundcameoveranintercom.“Dinner,”hesaidinanswertomypuzzledlook.“Houseistoobig
toyell.”

Ihadneverseensomuchfoodinmylife.Twohugechickenssatoneitherendofthetable,withevery

possible side dish in between. Large bowls of mashed potatoes, carrots, green beans, broccoli, and
turnipswerehandedabout.Thecranberrysaucewasmadefreshandservedwithsomethingcalledbread
sauce.Itlookedprettystrangebuttastedamazing.AbigailexplaineditwasaBritishtraditionshegrewup
with,andthemealsimplywasn’tcompletewithoutit.

There came a flurry of activity as Savannah entered carrying an adorable little girl who had to be

Olivia,alongwithanoldercoupleIknewmustberelatedtoCole.Themanwasanolderversionofhim.
Theyapologizedforbeinglateastheytooktheirseats.

“You must be Mia.” The older woman offered her hand. It was freezing, so I guessed they’d just

arrived.“I’mSue,Cole’smother,andthisishisfatherDaniel.”

DanielandSue,DanielandSue,Irepeatedtomyself,tryingtokeepeveryone’snamestraight.
“This,” Savannah held up her daughter, who had an itty-bitty pink tutu over her tiny round belly, “is

Olivia.”

“It’slovelytomeetyouall.”IroseandshooktheLogans’handsandwavedtothecutebubbleblower.
ColetookthebabyassoonasSavannahsat.Heplacedheronhisthighandatewithonehand.Dadof

theyear,rightthere.

Iwatchedinaweofeveryone.Theirfamilybondwasjustaslargeasthishouse.Themenwerefunny

andjokedaroundalot.Markhadmyjawdroppingwiththeamountoffoodheinhaled.

Dellleanedoverandwhispered,“He’llstillhaveroomfordesserttoo.”
Mygazewenttohis.“Noway!”
“Five bucks he’ll go for—” Dell leaned behind me to look at the dessert table, “—a quarter of the

applecrisp,threechocolatechipcookies,andAbigailwillgethimandKeithaglassofmilk.”

IsneakedapeekatKeith,whostillhadamountainoffoodtogetthrough.Markwaspolishingoffa

chickenlegbutstillhadlotsonhisplate.Therewasnowaytheycouldpossiblysqueezeindessert.

“You’reon.”Ishookhishandunderthetable.
“So, Mia,” Daniel said, stealing my attention away, “how do you enjoy working at North Dakota

Hospital?”

“It’sagoodjob.”IstoppedtherebecauseKenny’sfacepoppedup.Ididnoticehegavemeastrange

lookbutdidn’tpushitanymore.

“Ihopemyboysbehavewhenthey’rethere,”Suecommentedasshedelicatelyspearedagreenbean

andplaceditinhermouth.“Thathospitalhasbeengoodtousovertheyears.”

“Well,yes.”IcaughtMarkgrinningatme.“Althoughthisonehasallthenursesunderhisspell.”
Daniellaughed.“Icanseethat.”
“Mia,whatdoyouliketodoforfun?”Savannahstirredthebabyfoodandtouchedittoherlipsbefore

shegavethebabysome.

“Ahh,”Inearlylaughed,“I’mnotreallyoneforplayingsports.Iseemtohavetwoleftfeet.Iloveto

read,though.”

“Oh,yeah?”
“Yes,mostlymysteries.”Ifailedtomentionmyloveofdirtybooks,asthatwouldn’texactlybedinner

tableconversation.

“That’slovely.”Juneswirledherwinearoundherglass.“Wehavetwolibrariesinthishouse.I’msure

MarkorSavannahwillgladlygiveyouatour.”

“I’dlikethat,thanks.”
Dell bumped my arm as Mark turned in his chair and picked up a fresh plate. Sure enough, he took

exactlywhatDellsaidhewould.MarkevenservedaplateforKeith.

“Abby,”Keithsmiledather,“wouldyoumind?”
“Ofcourse,sweetie.”Shejumpedupandreturnedwithtwolargeglassesofmilk.
Itriedtocontainmylaughter,butitwasnouse.Ipulledsomesinglesfrommybackpocketandtossed

fiveofthemnexttoDell’splate.

“Whatisthat?”Mark’scuriositywaspiqued.
“Hotdatelater,”Ijokedbeforerealizingitmighthavebeenaninappropriatecomment,consideringI

hadgivenDellstripperones.ButbeforeIcouldcorrectmyself,Danielstartedtolaugh—hereally,really
laughed.Hehadtoputhisforkdowntocoverhismouth.Didn’ttakelongbeforethewholetablebroke

out.

“Oh,you’regonnafitinreallywellhere.”Mikeproclaimed,hisbigvoiceboomingovereveryone.

***

Relaxingafterdinner,IfoundmyselfwatchingSavannahandCole.Talkabouttwopeoplewhowere

meant for one another. He obviously worshiped her, and she couldn’t go even a few moments without
touchinghim. Then therewas little Olivia,who had the entirehouse under herspell. Who could blame
them?Shewasthesweetestlittlegirl,withenormousblackeyes.Sheseemedsohappyandfullofsmiles
allthetime.

“WouldyoumindifIheldher?”IwarmedmyhandsbeforeItookher.They’dchangedherintoafuzzy

purpleOnesie,andshehadlittlebabyUggsonhertinyfeet.“Well,hellothere,sweetheart.”Ibouncedher
gentlyonmyhip.Sheseemedtolikethisandsmiledherdroolysmileupatme.Withadivetowardme,
herfingersgrabbedmynecklace,whichsheimmediatelyputinhermouth.

“Sorry,”Savannahsaidwithachuckle.“Shelovesjewelry,andsheputsabsolutelyeverythinginher

mouth.”Shepulledoutherownnecklacewithasnowflakedanglingfromitandhelditup.“I’vehadto
replacethischainaboutthreetimesnow.”

“Idon’tmind,”Isaidinapseudo-babyvoiceandrestedmyforeheadtohers.“You’resocuteIcould

eatyouupinonebite.”

“Sheisprettyyummy.”Marktookaseatonthecouchandsippedsomethingdarkinacrystalglass.
“No.”Iturnedthebabyoutofhisview.“Youcostmefivedollarswithyourpredictability.”
“AmIthatpredictable?”
“Yes,”Savannahanswered,“youandKeith.Butonlywhenitcomestoyourtummies.”
Markthoughtforamoment.“Idolovefood.”
Colelaughedbutthengroanedasahugecatjumpedupandsatonhislap.Itdidtwocirclesbeforeit

wedgeditselfbetweenhimandSavannahandverycrudelyfloppeditslegsopen.

“Wow,hecertainlymakesanentrance.”Ilaughed.
“This is Scoot,” Cole rubbed the cat’s tummy, “second in command. He keeps the men in line, or at

leastthat’swhathebelieves.”

“Nottooshy,ishe?”Inoddedtowardhislegs.
“Hey,man,”Marksaidtothecat,“let’emhangout.”
Oliviastartedtowiggleforherdad,soIhandedherbacktoCole.Shewentforthecat’sear.Icringed

atthethoughtofwhathewoulddo,buttomysurprise,hejustlaythereandtookit.Herfathercertainly
didn’tseemworried,soIrelaxed.

IcuddledinnexttoMarkandlistenedtoeveryonetalk.Icouldseemyselfbecomingattachedtothis

place.Suchawarmvibewithlotsofpeople,butroomtobealone.

Byten,MarknoticedhowtiredIhadbecomeandwasonlytoohappytostandandsaygoodnightforus

andguideusupthestairstohisroom.

Istoodinsidethedoor,takingitallin.Hissleighbedhadgreysheetswithadarkblueduvetovertop.

Sixpillowsandathrowrestedperfectlyinplace.Therestoftheroommatchedthecolorscheme,andit
flowedintothebathroom.Everythingwassobigandgrand.Nodetailwasleftundone,rightdowntothe
greycurtainsheldinplacebycastironhooksthatmatchedthechandelierinthecenteroftheroom.

Markgavemeahugandapatonthebutttopushmegentlyintotheroom.
“Hon,thisisourroomnow,okay?IneedtogotalktoColeforafewminutes,soyougetsettledin.I

won’tbelong,Ipromise.”Hekissedthetopofmyheadbeforeheleft.

My bags were on top of a bench. I got out my toiletries and headed into the bathroom and tried to

decide,bathorshower?Shower.IwasafraidImightfallasleepinthewarmthofthetub.

Four different knobs stared back at me, then there was the control panel. Good Lord! Finally, after

almostscaldingmyself,Ifiguredouthowtoturnitonandgettherighttemperatureandsteppedgingerly
intothemarblerectangle.

IsmiledwhenIsawthattherewereshampooandladyproductsallreadyforme.Itwasstrange,but

Savannahhadwarnedmeearliertonightnottofeelawkwardwithwhatwasprovidedforme.Itwasjust
partoftheroutineofthehouse,consideringthetypeofworktheydid.

Myfingerranalongthepathofgoldthatthreadedthroughthesolidslabofmarble.Thehotwaterbeat

down on me as steam filled the shower, surrounding me with the warmth my body so badly craved.
Squeezingthelovelyfloralscentedshampoointomyhand,Ilatheredmylonghairfromscalptotips.A
brasshandlestirredmycuriosity,andIdecidedtogiveitacarefultwist,readytojumpoutifneedbe.
Thewaterbeatacompletelydifferentrhythmonmylowerbackandshoulders.Thelightsdimmed,andthe
faintsmelloflavenderfoundme.Ohmy,thiswasperfect!Sorry,Mark,butthesepowerjetskneading
thetensionfrommymusclesmightbecomeyourcompetition.

Only problem with letting your mind wander was unexpected and sometimes unwanted thoughts

intruded.Ifinished,toweldried,andbraidedmyhair.Withaquickswipeofthetowelacrossthemirror,I
staredbackatmyreflection.

“Tellhim!”mysubconsciousadvised.
Ican’t!Isqueezedmyeyesshut.Whatifhe’snotallrightwithit?
“Youhadachance,andeverydaythatgoesbywillonlymakeitworse!”ityelledatmeandcausedmy

headtoache.

Stop.
Iflippedoffthelightandheadedintothebedroom.
The bed was big—really big. I tucked my arm around my head and burrowed down in the puffy

blanket.IgrinnedintomypillowasMark’sscentsurroundedmeininstantcomfort.

Marksaidhe’dbebacksoon,butitdidn’ttakelongformyeyestoclose.

“Tellyourboyfriendtopayup!”

Myeyespoppedopen.Theclockflashedbluenumbersatme—3a.m.Markhadn’tcometobedyet?I

begantofeeloddbeinghere.Sillythoughtsstartedtofloodmybrain.DidImaketherightchoice?Should
Ihavegonebackhome?Idecidedtogetupandgodownstairs.

Ipulledalongsweateronovermyshortsandtanktopandpeekedoutsidethedoor.Ipulledtheelastic

free and let my messy hair fall in front of my face. I flicked it back and stepped onto the cold wooden
floor,movingdownthestairsandintothelivingroom.

Silentlightningfilledtheroom.Isteppedtothewindow,watchingthestreaksofpowerastheydove

towardthelake.

Withmyblanketinhand,Iunlockedthepatiodoorandbreathedinthefreshstormair.Thehumidity

washeavy,andthepromiseofsomethundershowerswasenoughformetotuckintoaballandenjoythe
show.

Alowrumblecreptupthemountain,alittleclosereachtimeitcame.Mythoughtsstartedtoscramble

andmixwithsomedarkones.

Kenny’s lifeless body flashed in front of me, which made the hold on my heart squeeze tighter. It

wasn’tfair;hewassoyoung.IspentsomuchtimereassuringhimhewasgoingtobeokaythatIalmost
believeditmyself.Themindisadangeroustoolsometimes.Myonlypeacewasthathewasnowwithhis
mother.

Ipulleduptheblanketasacoldbreezefromtheopenpatiodoormovedmyhairaround.Aloudclapof

thundersentmymindracinginanotherdirection.

The voice of the man in the basement who stole my courage from me came next. My fingers curled

aroundmyknees.Ineededananchor.MarkhadaskedsomanytimesifIwasokay.Ididn’ttellhim,butI
wasn’t.ThatwaswhyIdidn’tcommunicateallthatmuchwithhimwhenhewasgone.Myattackerleftme
withatasteoffearinmymoutheverytimethelightswentout.Ibecameanxiouswheneverthetrashbin
wasfull,andevenrightbeforetheelevatordoorsclosed.Hewasfaceless.Nothingbutashadow.Ihad
onlythatoneglimpseofhim.Icouldhaverunintohimatthemarketandnotevenknownit.

“Prettyamazing,huh?”Savannah’svoicebrokethroughmythoughts.Shehadateacupinherhand.“I

loveagoodstorm,myself.IoftenwandereddownherewhenIfirstarrivedtowatchtheweather.”She
pointedtothechairnexttome.“MayI?”

“Ofcourse.”
Shecurledupandletoutasleepysigh.“Ilovemybabygirl,butthechilddoesn’tsleepunlessshe’son

topofme.”Shelaughedsoftly.“Colewakesatasnapofatwig,buthisdaughtercouldcrawlalloverhim
andhewouldn’tbudge.”Sheeyedmecarefullyasshespoke.“SoIdrapeheroverhimandsneakoutfor
somemetime.”

“Smart,”Isaid,chuckling.
Shetouchedmyarm.“Alittleoverwhelmed?”
Thestorminterruptedmyreplywithahugedownpourofrain.Savannahlaughedwithpureenjoyment

over what many would curse. I loved that. It was how I felt. Rain was like a shower for my soul; it
allowedmetoreboot.Perhapsbecauseitoftenmeantadayinsidewrappedupwithagoodbook.Either
way,Ilovedit,andapparentlySavannahdidtoo.

Iopenedmyblanketandspreaditoverherlap.Hersmilemademefeelathome.
“IguessIreallyshouldshutthedoor?”
“No,leaveit.It’swonderful.”Shescootedaroundtofaceme.
“Soletmegiveyouthescooponthisplace.”
Iturnedtolookather.“Pleasedo.”
“Theaunts.”
“AbigailandJune?”
“Yes. They’re the sweetest, most loving women you’ll ever find, next to Sue. Cole’s mother is

amazing.Dr.RobertsisAbigail’sboyfriend,andtheyaresocutetogether.Butdon’tbringituptoMark.
He’sabitsensitiveonthetopic.”Shecouldn’thidehergrin.“PaulandJohnarereallycool,andMike,he
hastattoosalloverandlooksscary,buthe’sahugeteddybear.”

“I’ve actually met Mike. He does seem really nice. Though not someone I’d like to meet in a back

alley.”Sheshookherhead,smiling.“WhataboutKeith?What’shisdeal?”

“Ha!Keithislikethebigbadwolfinfluffypajamaswiththeassflaphangingdown.Heactsscary,but

he’sharmless.We’rereallyclose.Hewalkedmedowntheaisle.”Shestoppedandthought.“Whydidyou
ask?”

“HejustseemedabitonedgesinceI’vebeenhere,andhecheckshisphonealot.”
“Yeah,I’venoticedthattoo.”Sheseemedtogetlostinthought,soImovedon.
“WhataboutMark?”
“Markisthefunnyone.Nomatterhowshittyyourdayhasbeen,he’llmakeyoulaughinawaythat

makesyoufeelgoodafterward,notjustduring.He’sprotectiveofourfamily,andIthinkforthelongest
timedidn’tdatebecausehedidn’twanttoleaveAbigailorCole.”Hershouldersroseandfell.“That’s
whatColetoldme.”

“That’sastrongbondtohave.”Mythroattightened.IhatedthatMarkhadahorriblefamilyatfirst.
“Itis.Hedoeslovetogamble,though.Don’teverplaypokerwithhim.”Mystomachsank.Ididn’tlike

the sound of that at all. My mind immediately flew to his brother’s addiction and to my attack. “He

doesn’tlose,”shecontinued.“Idon’tgetit.Colesayshehasahorseshoestuckuphis…”Shelookedover
atmeandshuthermouth.ThenIsawhermaketheconnection.“Oh,no.Mia,he’snotlikehisbrotherat
all.Thisisdifferent.”Whenshesawthesurprisedlookonmyface,shepattedmyarmandsmiled.“Cole
tellsmealot.Ihopethat’sokay?”

“Yeah,it’sokay.”IwasbarelylisteningwhenIansweredher.
“MarkandManuelarepolaropposites,Mia.”Savannah’shandrestedreassuringlyonmyarmagain,

andherexpressionwassincere.“MarkwontwograndwhenalltheguysbetonwhenOliviawouldbe
born.Youknowwhathedidwiththemoney?”Ishookmyhead.“Hestartedaninvestmentaccountforher
forcollege.Markmayhavehadanawfulfamily,buthe’snothingliketheyare.”

“Thankyouforsayingthat.”Ididbelieveher.
The sky lit up and poured down more rain. The lake twisted and churned with the mix of rain and

wind.

Ineededtofocusonsomethingelse.
“WhataboutCole?Anytips?”
Herfacesoftenedandhereyeslitup.“WhattosayabouttheColonel?Hisbarkisbiggerthanhisbite.

However,don’teverbreakthehouserules.Hehasaonestrikepolicy.”

“Goodtoknow.”Ihadheardbitsofthisbefore,soitrangtrue.
“He’sreallykindandwarm.Itjusttakesawhiletobreakdownhiswalls.”Shelookedatme.“Are

youokaywithwhathappenedtoyou?”

Iglancedbackatthewaterandletthatforeignfeelingseepbackin.“Ahh…”Ituckedmyhairbehind

myear.“Notentirelysureyet.”

“Igetthat.”
“I’mprettygoodatblockingthingsout,andafterMarkandIhadour…”Ipausedtosighandpointto

myhead.“Well,Ijustpusheditallasidefornow.I’lldealwithitwhenIcan.”

“Spokenlikesomeonewhohasalottoshed.”Shetouchedmyarmagainanddrewmyattentiontoher.

“Please know that Dr. Roberts is a wonderful man who helped me a lot. He’s often around if you ever
neededsomeadviceorsomeoneelsetotalkto.Youcanalwaysseehim.”

Inodded.“Thanks.”Ipaused,considered,anddecidedtoask.“Savi?”
“Yeah?”
“Doyoumissyourfamily?Markfilledmein.”
Herfacetwistedforamomentbeforeitrelaxed.“Familyisn’taboutblood,Mia.It’saboutwhoyou

surroundyourselfwith,whomakesyoufeellovedandsafe.Ineverhadthatfrommyfather.IthoughtIhad
itwithmybestfriend,Lynn,butthatprovedtobewrong.”Sheblinkedafewtimesthenrubbedherarms.I
couldseethiswasahardtopicforher,soIdidn’tpushfurther.“Idomissmymother,though,verymuch.”
She stood and wrapped her robe around her. “I’ll leave you be, or would you like to walk up to your
roomwithme?”

“I’lltakeafewmoreminutes,thenI’llheadup.”
“Haveagoodnight,Mia.”
“Youtoo.”

***

Mark

ColeandIhadbeentryingtohuntdownManuelallnight.Wefinallygotholdofhisphonerecordsand

sawthelastcelltowerthatpickeduphissignalwasinNorthDakota,justfourstreetsoverfromMia’s

apartment.Whatthehellwashedoingthere?ManuelhadbeenunstableforaslongasIcouldremember,
buttohurtsomeonelikeMia…Ijustcouldn’tbelievehewouldgothatfar.

Wedecidedwhenwereturnedfromournextassignmentwewouldfindhimandconfronthim.Thisshit

hadgonewaytoofar.

Itwasn’tuntilafterfivea.m.thatIcrawledinnexttoMiaandpulledherclosetomychest.Shewasas

coldasnormalandimmediatelymoldedtomeasIsharedmyheat.

“Wherewereyou?”Shewiggledcloser.
“Sorry,Ididn’tmeantobethatlong.”Ikissedthebackofherneck.“Lotsgoingon.”
Sherolledoverandsquintedupatme.“Everythingallright?”
“Notsureyet.Comehere,mylittleicicle,andletmemeltoffsomeofthatsweetness,”Ijoked,tickling

her.Ikissedhernosethenherlips,butshepushedmyshoulderbacksoshecouldlookatme.

“Don’tjokewithmerightnow,Mark.Isthishowitis?Latenightsandfewanswers?”Shesoftened

herwordswithoneswift,hardkiss.

IclosedmyeyesandwishedIwereinlovewithadifferentprofession.“Sometimes,maybe,yes.”She

gavemealookasiftosaydon’tyoudarelie.“Yeah,alotoftimesthisishowitwillbe.”

Shegavemeaslightnodbeforeshemovedtohersideagain.Withasigh,Irolledbackintoposition

and held her tightly. My stomach twisted and I decided to think before I spoke too quickly. Mia was
becomingmyrock,myanchor,myconfidante.Ilovedthewayshemademefeel;evenhersmilemadethe
darkturntogrey.Themereideaofmybrother’shandsonhermademyheartratejump.Wow,I’dfallen
hard.Iglancedattheclockandsawitwaslateorearly,dependinghowyoulookedatit.

Iwasn’tsurewhatmynextfewdayswouldbelike,soIdecidedtogiveherasmuchasIcould.
“IwasleftalonealotwhenIlivedwithmymother,”Iwhispered,releasingmyhauntedpastintothe

chillyair.HerbodybegantorelaxasIspoke.“Morethananychildshouldbe.MybrotherManuelwas
horrible. If he wasn’t high, he was ordering me around or forcing me to go out to find food. It was an
excuse to get rid of me half the time. He much preferred I was gone than to have to deal with me.”
Wincingatthememoriesthatunfoldedinfrontofme,Icontinued,wantingtosharemybiggestburden.

“IstayedoutalldayoveratAbby’shouse.TheLoganswerehavingagamedaybecauseofthesnow

storm.TheyweresowarmandinvitingthatIlosttrackoftimeanddidn’tcomehomeuntilitwasnearly
dark.”Miaturnedtofaceme,herhandwedgedbetweenhercheekandthepillow.Herbigeyesheldonto
mine,hergazeencouragingmetogoon.

“Youknowwhenyourguttellsyousomethingisn’tright?Thewayyourskinpricklesandyourmouth

goesdry?Well,whenIopenedmyfrontdoorthatday,thefeelingthatwashedovermewaslikethat.I
droppedmybookbagandpulledoutapieceofmyHubbaBubbatocalmmyself.IrememberIpoureda
small glass of Kool-Aid from a jug that was on the counter and sat on the stool and waited for the
punishmentIknewhadtocome,butnothinghappened.Icalledoutformymother.Shedidn’tanswer,butI
thoughtIheardanoddnoisefromherbedroom.”

Mia’sfingerstracedoneofmyscarsacrossmyshoulder.Hertouchwassoothing.“WasitManuel?”

sheaskedasshewatchedherhandskateabout.

“Idon’tknow.”
Shelookedup,confused.
“OneminuteIwasstandinginthedoorway,andthenextIwasinthehospital.”
“What?”
“IguessIblackedout.”
“Why?”
Myvisiontiltedmomentarily.“BecauseI…Ikilledmymother.”
Herbodytensed,andshebarelyevenblinkedasitsankin.Iwantedtoplowonandtellhereverything,

butfirstIneededtoknowifshewasokay.

“Mia?”
“Howoldwhereyou?”Hervoicewaslow.
“Sevenyearsandthreemonths.”
Her skin paled and her tongue ran along her lips. “Just a boy.” She seemed to think. “Okay, so you

wereatthehospital…”

Ididn’tmissabeat.IwantedtoshowIwouldnolongerhidethingsfromher.
“Therewasapsychologistsittinginasillylightpinkchair,writingonapadwhenIcameto.Iwasso

confusedanddisoriented,andmyheadhurtalot.Thebrightlightmademeblink,whichgottheladyto
lookover.”

Mia’sfullattentionwasonme.
“IaskedwhatIwasdoingthere,andshetoldmeIhadabreakdown.Iaskedwheremymotherwas,

andshegavemeastrangelook.IaskedwhereManuelwas,andshetoldmehewasinthewaitingroom.
Shepulledupachairandfixedherglassestositupfurtheronhernose.”Everydetailwassovivid.“She
asked me what I remembered. Where I was that day. What my mother was like toward us. The entire
experiencewasodd.NoonewouldansweranythinguntilIgotupset.Finally,Manuelwasallowedtosee
me.Helookedawful,hisshirtwasdirty,andhishairwasamess,likehehadn’tsleptindays.Hetoldme
Ineededtokeepmymouthshut,thatI’ddonesomethingreallybad,andifIsaidanything,they’dtakeme
awayandI’dneverseetheLogansagain.Ididn’tevenknowheknewabouttheLogans.”

Miamovedtositcrossed-legged.Shepulledtheblanketaroundhermiddle,tossedherhairofftoone

side,andwaitedformetocontinue.Itwashardnottostareather.Thefaintlightfromthebathroomcasta
softglowonhalfherface.

“He told me then what happened, that I stabbed her. Some kind of a mental breakdown. I have no

memory,andnothingisleftoverfromit.AllIknewwasshewasdead,andIdidit.”Iswallowedhard
andclearedmythroat.“Manuelcoachedmeonwhattosaytothepolice.Theycameinafterward.Iwas
tooscared,andIdidn’tknowanybetter,soIwentalongwithit.Thepoliceboughteveryword,andno
onewascharged.”

“WherewasManuelduringallthis?”
Iplacedmyhandonherknee,lovingthatshewantedtoknowallthefacts.Itmeantshehadn’tfully

judgedmeyet.

“Manuelhadasidejobforoneofourneighbors,outsidemaintenancestuff.Sohehadasolidalibi.”
“Sothenwhat?”
“Abigail got wind of what happened and showed up at the hospital. Cole’s father stacked up his

lawyers and had me released to her care. The police came back only once to ask more questions. My
printswerealloverthehandle,butthatdidn’tmeanmuchsincewecouldhavetoucheditatsomepoint.I
neverspoketothem,asAbigailkeptmeupstairs.Cole’sfatherdealtwiththem.”

“Whathappenedtoyourbrother?”
“I didn’t see him a lot after that. Except when he needed something from me. He drank and got into

drugsforafewyears,thenaroundtwenty-one,Iguess,hestartedatthecasinos.Hehadalwaysgambled,
butgotintoitbigtimeafterthat.Didn’ttakelongforthemtocatchonthathewascountingcardsandthey
blacklistedhim.Hestartedplayingundergroundpoker,atreallyscaryplaces.Hisdebtsstartedtoclimb,
andsodidhisneedforhislittlebrother.I’vebeenbailinghimoutforthepastnineyears.Hejoinedthe
police force at thirty, and how they let him in is beyond me. He’s trouble, and he doesn’t care who he
bringsdownwithhim.”

Mianodded,butIcouldtellshewasamillionmilesaway.
Itookherhandtogetherattention.“IhavetoliveeverydaywiththefactIkilledmymother.Truthbe

told,Ihatedher.Shewasadrunk,broughthomerandommen,mademebegforfood,andevenmademe
sleep out in the snow when she forgot about me.” I felt my tongue thicken. “I know what I did was

unspeakable,anditscrewswithmethatIcan’tremember,butIswearI’mnotamonster,Mia—”

Sheleanedforwardandcuppedmyface.“Youarenotamonster,Mark.”Shesealedherlipsovermine

before she pulled back. “You were just a child, in a bad situation. She’s gone. Let it go. Free yourself
fromthisdarkness.”

Somanyemotionsranthroughme,butmyhearttookover.Igrabbedherwaist,andinablink,shewas

undermeandmylipswereonhers.Ipushedhershirtupandoverherhead,andherpantieswereoffjust
asquick.

Myfingersfeltgravitatedtowardherheatanddippedinsidetofeelherarousal.Shewashotandwet,

andherslicknesscoatedmyfingers.Herchintiltedbackandasmileracedacrossherlips.

Herbackarched,herbreastspushingintomychest.Skintoskin.“Deeper.”
I eased three fingers deep inside, eliciting a moan from her. With all that was driving through me, I

couldn’t last. I lined up, and as soon as my fingers were out I slid my erection inside. She sucked in a
deepbreathandstilled.

“Okay?”Ibrushedthehairoutofherface.
“Yeah,”shepantedandflexeduntilIwasfullyin.Iwaitedforherbodytoadjusttotheinvasionbefore

Istartedtomovemyhips.

Jesus.
Shefeltsogood,butthenasuddenrealizationcameoverme.
“Idon’thaveacondomon.”
“I’monthepill,andwegettestedyearly.”Iknewsheknewwehadtoaswell.TheArmy—butmostly

Cole—wasstrictwithourhealth.

Shewiggledformetokeepmoving.Istretchedoutandputmyweightonmyforearms.Shehookedher

leg over my hip and reached above to the headboard. The curve of her body snapped me back into the
now.Myhandslidupthelengthofherside,underherbreast,andaroundherneck.

Shewassobeautiful.ShestoletheairfrommylungswhenIwatchedherface.Herwarmbreathshot

inlittleburstsacrossmyarmasshebuiltherselfup.

“Howcansomeonefeelthisgood?”ImutteredasIeasedout.Werockedtogether,holdingtighttoeach

other, eyes locked. Her eyes glazed over and she rode out her orgasm until it peaked along with mine.
Thenweslept.

***

“Youcan’ttellanyonewhatreallyhappened,Mark,”Manuelwarnedmeforthetenthtime.“Just

stickwithyourstory.”

Iswungmybookbagovermyshoulder.IwantedtogetstartedonthewalktoAbigail’shouse.
Manuel ran up beside me. “If you fuck this up, you’ll go to jail. You’ll be known as the kid who

killedhisownmother.”

Istoppedtolookathim.“Ididn’tkillher,Manuel!”Iswallowedbackthepain.“Imean,Idon’t

rememberdoingit.”Hestudiedmeforamomentthenputbothhishandsonmyshoulders.

“Isawyoudoit.”
Ishookmyhead.“How?Youweren’teventhere.”
“Iwas,andIsawyoustabourmotherliketheruthlessanimalyouare.”
“Whydidn’tyoustopme?”Ifeltbetrayedandsick.
“Therewasn’tenoughtime.Lookatyourhands.”
Ilookeddowntofindmyfingernailshadbloodstainsunderthem.“Ahh!”Icriedandwipedthemon

my pants, but more blood welled up from under my nails, dripping onto the snow. “I’m sorry, I’m

sorry!” I raced to a snowbank, dropped to my knees, and started to scrub my hands clean. “I’m so
sorry,Mom!Ididn’tmeanit!”

***

I woke with a jolt, my chest heaving painfully from the nightmare. I took in my surroundings and

realizedIwashome.Myhandswereclean,butmystomachachelingered.Miawasgone.Iglancedatthe
clockandsawitwasninethirty.Irubbedmytiredeyesandforcedmyselfup.

After a long shower, I made my way downstairs and saw Mia and Savannah outside talking, while

SavipulledLivaroundonawoodensleigh.Youcouldhardlyseeherlittlefaceunderhersnowsuithood.
Iwatchedfromthelivingroomwindowwithacoffeeinhand.

“Sheseemslovely,dear.”Suesmiledassheraisedhermugtohermouth.“Colesaidhewastryingto

findherapositionatthehousesoshecanstayuntilwegetthisthingclearedup.”

I shrugged. “I hope so, and there’s always the medical center in town. That’s assuming she wants to

leaveherlifeinNorthDakota.”

“Sheseemstobefittinginjustfine.”Suenoddedatthegirls.Savannahbentdowntoscoopupabitof

newfallensnowandmadeasnowball.“Ohno,”Suesaidwithalaugh.

Iwatchedwithcuriosity.Savannahcouldgetawaywithmurder.Shehadallthemeninthehouseunder

herspellbecauseshewasanamazingpersonwithahugeheart.Sheleanedinandwhisperedsomethingto
Mia.

“KeithorMike?”Sueaskedastheguysroundedthecorner.
“Mike.”
“Youthink?”
“Yeah,sheoweshimone.Mikegothertheotherday.”
Sureenough,SavannahturnedandchuckedthesnowballatMike,nailinghiminthestomach.Then,to

mysurprise,MiatossedherarmbackandhitKeithinthechest.Sueburstoutlaughingasbothmenstood
inshock.

MikeglancedatKeith,whoworehismurderouslook,thenpointedafingeratthegirls.
“Run!”Suelaughed.
Mia grabbed Liv and ran after Savi, heading for the stables. The men hurried around the house, no

doubttocutthemoff.WecouldhearLiv’sshrieksofjoyfromthehouseasherlittleheadbobbedaround
inMia’sarms.

“Gohavesomefun,dear.”Suekissedmycheekandtookthemugoutofmyhand.“Takeyourbrother

withyou.He’sbeenholedupinhisofficeallmorning.”

Igrinned.“Ihaveanidea.”
“Cole.”Istuckmyheadinhisofficedoor.Hewasathisdeskreadingafile.Iknewitwastheonethat

cameinyesterdayaboutthemenwhoslaughteredthathousefullofpeople.

“Yeah?”Hedidn’tlookup.
“Weheadouttomorrow,right?”
Heraisedhishead.“Yes.”
“Comeon.”
“Where?”Herolledhisheadbacktoreleasesometension.
“It’sSavannah.”
Hisfacefellandhehurriedaroundhisdesk.“Issheokay?”
Imaygetmyasskickedforthis.
“Yeah,shejustneedsyourhelp.”

Ifollowedhimdownthehallwayandouttothedoor,wherehestoppedonthefrontdoorstep.
“Now!” Savannah screamed, and four snowballs flew from all directions. The air lit up with tiny

sparkles of snow glistening in the sunlight. Cole turned to me, then back to his wife, who already had
another snowball ready to go. Keith and Mike came up next to Mia, looking mighty pleased with
themselves.

“Really?”Colebrushedthesnowoutofhishairbeforehesteppedpurposefullydownthestairs.
Savannahgrinnedandtossedtheballintotheairandcaughtit.“Lookslikemyaimisgettingbetter.”

ShepointeddownatOliviatuckedintohersleighinfrontofher.Herkittymittensdangledandherfurry
bootspeekedoutfromhersnowpants.“Benice.Youwouldn’twanttoscareyourbabydaughter,now,
wouldyou?”

“Lopez.” Cole nodded at me as I zipped down and scooped the little snow kitten before Savannah

coulduseherasashield.

“Yousee,sweetface,Mommyisusingyouasdefense.Shameonher.”Ikissedhercool,wetcheek.
“Thiswasyouridea!”Savannahchuckedasnowballatmyfeet.“Keith?”Shelookedathimforhelp.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Savi.” Keith reached out and held onto Olivia’s hand.

“Mommyistryingtogetusallintrouble,isn’tshe?”

“Oh,”sheheldupherhand,“it’son.”
ColebentdownandhauledSavioverhisshoulder.Heslappedherass,whichmadehergiggle.She

wasusedtohimmanhandlingher.

“Mia!”shecalledoutasColewalkedhertothehouse.
“Sorry,Savi,”Miamovedinbehindmewithalaugh,“buthescaresmealittle.”
“Wait,”IstoppedCole,“let’sgointotownandhavesomefunbeforewego.”Istoppedtalking,aware

Savannahdidn’tneedthesadreminderthatweweregoing.

Cole set Savannah on her feet and wrapped his arm around her shoulders loosely. “What do you

think?”

Shegrinnedandhereyessparkled.Oh,Iknewthatlook.She’dmakethishappen.ItossedOliviaupin

theairandflewheraroundlikeanairplane.Atinylineofdroolshotdownlikealineonafishingpole
andlandedinmymouth.

“Oh,pla!”IshiftedheronmyhipasIspatontheground.“Howcansomethingsocutebesonasty?”I

wipedmymouthdry.“Well,Icantellyouhadpineapplethismorning.”

“Andbreastmilk,”Savichimedinwitharaisedeyebrow,clearlylovingthismoment.Iguesseditwas

mykarma.“Pla,pla,pla!”

Iranmyhandinfrontofme.“Line.You’recrossingit.”ShelaughedasIhandedOliviaoff.“Here,go

toUncleKeith.”

“Okay.”Coleturnedtous.“Let’sgointotown,maybeamovieanddinneratZack’s.”
“Actually,”Savannahplacedahandonhischest,“Ihaveanotheridea.”

***

“Oh,my.”Miagrippedtheboards.“Don’tIneedahelmetandkneepads?”
Ilaughedandtookhershakyhandsinmine.“Justletmeguideyou.”Shenoddedbutdidn’tmove.“You

havetotrustme.Comewithme,mylittleicicle.”

Herheadmoveduptolookatmestraightintheeye.“Ido.”
Fighting the grin that shot across my face, I urged her forward. She shook and wobbled as I skated

backward,butsoonshegotthehangofitandbecamesteadier.

Mike,Keith,Paul,andJohnwereoffontheotherendoftherinkplayingahockeygame.Abigailheld

Oliviainherarmsasshewhiskedheraroundtheice.Hersilentopen-mouthedlaughhadallofusinfits.
SavannahwaschasingCole,whowhippedbyuslikeapro.Hishandtrailedalongtheicewhenhedipped
downlowandcurledaroundher,droppingherintohisarms.

“Show-off.”Miagiggledwithherdeathgriponmyhands.
“Youwannatryonyourown?”
“Don’t…let…go!”
Isqueezedherhands.“Iwon’t,notuntilyou’reready.”
“Whatif…”Shepaused.
“What,Mia?”
Shelookedupatme,hergreeneyesshowinghervulnerability.“WhatifI’mneverreadyforyoutolet

mego?”

Istoppedmoving,unsureIheardhercorrectly.
“I’msorry,Ididn’t—Imean—”
“Mia,don’t.”Islidcloser.“Don’tsaysomethinglikethatandtakeitback.”
Sheglanceddown,butIraisedherchintolookatme.Myotherhandslidaroundherneck.“Isthisfear

aboutmeleaving?Ordoyoureallylikeme?”

“Woulditbeokaytosayboth?”
Ismiledmyunderstanding.“Yeah,itis.”
“Ireallylikeyou,Mark.”Shestartedtomovebutlostherbalanceandfellintome.Icaughtherinmy

armsandheldhertightly.

“Ireallylikeyoutoo,Mia.”Ourlipsmet,andIdidn’tholdback,andneitherdidshe.Iknewwemore

thanlikedeachother,butIcouldtellshewasnervoustosayit,andthatwasokayfornow.Besides,she
mademefeellikeahighschoolkidagain,whenjustlikingsomeonewasabigdeal.Youdidn’talways
havetofallinloverightaway.Ifeltlovetooktime,anditwasfuntofeelitgrowinsideyou.Aconstant
bubbleofwarmththatexpandedeveryday.

“Hey,nokissingduringthegame!”Keithyelledout,andIflippedhimoff.
“Ahhhhhh.” My feet went everywhere and then straight up in the air, and my arms pinwheeled. I

desperately reached for Mia, and we went down hard together. “Ouch! My butt hurts,” I cried
dramatically.“CanyoufeelifIhurtanythingthere,Mia?”

“Mark,youdidthatonpurpose!”Shelaughed,hereyesbright.Shehitmeontheheadwithhermitten.
“What?Noway!”Itightenedmygriponher.“Tonightyoucancheckoutmybottomtoseethebruises.”

Ikissedher,happilylisteningtoherdelightedlaughter.

Afterwardwechangedoutofourskatesandmadeourwayoutdoorstothefrostyair.
“Seriously?” Paul groaned at the two horse-drawn carriages waiting for us outside. “This will be

humiliating.”

“Don’tbeinsecurewithyourmanhood,Paul.”SavannahpattedthehorsesandletOliviasitononeof

theirbacksforaminute.“Itdoesn’talwayshavetobeabouttheboys.”

“Yeah,”Keithchimedin.HeclimbedupandtookaseatnexttoJohnbeforeproppinghisarmalongthe

backofthecushions.“It’sromantic.”

“So,” Savi said, ignoring them, “Paul and John, you ride together, and Mark and Mia will ride with

us.”

“WhataboutAbby?”Miaaskedme,puzzled.
“She’lldrivethebabyhome—”
“Ha,notyet.Wehaveadatewiththedoctor.”Abby,whowasnowholdingOlivia,passedhertoJohn

whileIclearedmythroatfreeofthecommentabouthowhe’dbetterbegoodtoher.Shesteppedbackand
laughedatthethreeoftheminthecarriage.“Threemenandababy.”

“Savi…”Johnshotheralook,butallshedidwassmileandwaveformetojointhem.

“Beagoodgirlforyouruncles,honey,”shecalledoverhershoulder.
AbbyjumpedintheSUVandwentaheadtotherestaurant.
Miacuddledupcloseasthehorsestartedtomove.Thewindwasquitecold,soIcouldonlyimagine

shewasfreezing.

“There’reblanketsinthetrunkunderyou,”thedriverwiththetophatcalledout.Ipulledaheavyknit

deepgreenblanketfreeandcoveredMiabeforehandingonetoSavi.

“Thankyou,”Miacalledoutandwasgrantedatipoftheman’shat.
Wetookafewsidestreetsbeforeweturnedontoapaththatbroughtusoveralightstonebridge.The

driverstoppedasMiasnappedafewphotos.

“Wow,” she said, beaming, “this place is like a fairy tale.” The dusting of snow sparkled under the

glowofthestreetlamps.Thelakewasn’tcompletelyfrozenyet,sothemovementundertheiceflickered.
Twinklelightsthreadedthroughtheweepingtreesdancedinthequickeningbreeze.Icouldn’tthinkofa
moreromantic spot inthe city. However,the groans from thecarriage behind ussoon stole the moment
fromme.

“Come on!” John called out in the night, making us all stop and turn around. “No one can make that

kindofsmell!”

“Oh,”Keithmadeagaggingsound,“it’sallupherback!”
“I’mcallingataxi,”Paulannounced.
“Pleasekeepmoving,”Savannahcalledtothedriverthenlookedatmebeforeshelosthercomposure.

WealllaughedandbarelystoppeduntilwearrivedatZack’s.

“Takeyourchild,takehersmellyload,I’mout,”Keithhuffed,holdingOlivialikeshemightbitehim.

“I’mofficiallyoffuncledutyuntilshe’scleanagain.”

ColeturnedtoSavannah,whoshothimadon’teventhinkofitlook.
I smacked his shoulder as I breezed on by with Mia. For once, I was thankful I wasn’t holding that

little crapper. Last time Savannah decided it was time for me to learn how to change her diaper. It
wouldn’tbehappeningagainanytimesoon.

“Oh!”Zackspottedusthemomentwesteppedinsidehisbusyrestaurant.“Howwonderfultoseeallof

you.”

Miasteppedforward,andIintroducedhertoZack.“It’sapleasuretomeetyou,Zack.I’veheardgreat

thingsaboutyourplace.”

Zack wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Please come, you must try this new wine I brought in

fromSpain.Youlikewine?”

“Yes.”
“Perfect.”
Ifollowedbehindwithadorkygrin,enjoyinghowsheseemedateasewithalltheimportantpeoplein

mylife.IonlyhopedIdidwithhers.

“Well,hello,there,”Jake,thebartenderandSavannah’sbestfriend,greetedusaswesteppeduptothe

bar.“Zackwantyoutotrythenewwinewejustgot?”

“Ibelieveso.”Sheleanedoverthecounter.“I’mMia.Nicetomeetyou.”
Jakeopenedanewbottle,stuckadecanterinthetop,andpouredheragenerousportion.“Itgoesgreat

withthesalmon.”Hewinkedbeforehehadtomoveontoanewcustomer.

Sheswirledthewinearoundthentookasip.“Oaky,withahintofcranberries?”
Zackglancedatmebeforehenodded.“Welldone.Come,let’sgetyouguyssomethingtoeat.”

***

Mia

“Goodmorning.”Ipattedthefatcat’sheadasIheadedforthecoffeemaker,thinkingitsmelledlikethe

coffeehadbeenspikedwithadashofcinnamon.

Withmycoffeeinhand,Iheadedoutsideanddowntowardthewater.Aredwoodenchairsatatthe

boathouse.Icarefullycarrieditdownandplaceditontheendofthedock.

Withmylegstuckedupononeside,Ileanedbackandletnaturegraduallywakemeup.Iclosedmy

eyesandfocusedonthechillybreezethatbrushedbymycheekandflickeredagainstthemoistpartsofmy
lips.ThetipsofmyhairflutteredwhileIinhaledadeepbreathoffreshair.Perfect.

“Ilovethistimeofday.”
Inearlydroppedmycoffee.“Hi,Daniel.”
“DoyoumindifIjoinyou?”
“Notatall,”Iwaspleasedhedidn’tseemtonoticemystartledexpression.Hepulledupanotherseat

andsettledinnexttome.

Wesatandwatchedahawkswoopdownandeffortlesslypluckafishoutofthewater.Whatwaseven

morespectacularwasthereflectionofthebirdoverthesmoothwaterasitbreezedbyus.

“Ispentlastnighttryingtoplaceyourface.”Danielgavemeaside-glance.“Youlookjustlikehim.”
Mystomachdrewintoatinyball,andIblinkedafewtimes,notsurewhattosay.
“I’lltakeitMarkdoesn’tknow.”
Ishookmyhead.
Hetookalongsipfromhistravelmug.“Markisallabouthonestly,Mia.IfImaysuggest,youshould

tellhimsoon.”

“Willitbeadealbreaker?”Iwhispered.
Danielsquintedashelookedoverthewater,thegroovesaroundhiseyesdeepening.“Thetrustwillbe

thedealbreaker,sweetheart.Itdoesn’tmatterwhoyou’rerelatedto.”

Inodded.Hewasright.Itwasn’tabigdeal,butMarkhadsharedsomuchwithmethatitalmostfelt

likeitmightbetoolate.

“It’snot,”hesaidasifhereadmymind.Hestoodandlookedovermyshoulder.“Ialwaysknewhe

hadadaughter,”hegavemeawarmsmile,“andIknewhewantedtokeepyouawayfromallofthis.”

“Yeah,”Imutteredintomymug.
“He’sseenalot,Mia,thingsthatcanchangeyouroutlookonlife.Hardtopushthosethoughtsaway.”

Hisfreehandslippedintohispocket.“Well,I’llleaveyoutoenjoythisbeautifulmorning.”

***

“Areyousure?”IstoodinfrontofSavannahinanoutfitsheloanedme.Thedarkblueskirtclungtomy

hips,andtheblacksilkblousefitlikeadream.

“Mia, you look beautiful. Mark will be all over you tonight.” She grinned. “I’m actually looking

forwardtoseeingtheshow.”

“Umm…”Iturnedbacktothemirrorandslippedapairofdanglyearringsthroughmyears.Wewere

havingdrinksbeforetheguysleftinthemorning.Apparently,thiswasatraditioninthehouse.Istepped
backandtookinmyappearance,butthentheideaoftheguysleavingtomorrowsankin.

“It’shard,Mia,Iwon’tlie.”Shemovedtostandnexttome.“Wejustneedtokeepbusyandnotthink

aboutittoomuch.”

Inoddedandshookthenervousnessfrommyhands.Therealitythathewasleavingwasbadenough,

butmadeworsebythefactIhadoverheardPaultalkingabouttheweaponsthey’dneed.

“Youlookhot,sogograbhisattentionandgivehimareasontocomehomesafe.”
IstoppedatthebottomofthestairsandwaitedforSavannahtogoinfirst.Coleimmediatelyfoundher

andlockedhisgazeontohers.Shewenttohissideandgavehimanass-grab.Hegrinnedandkissedher
passionately.TheirlovewasintenseandmademeacheforMark.

“Youheadin’in,littlelady,orjustlooking?”Keithgrinnedatme.Hedidn’tseemasintenseasbefore.

“Comeon.”Heofferedhisarm.“Youcan’twastethatoutfitouthere.”

“GuessIfeelalittleoutofplace.”
“Really?Youseemtofitinfine.”
“Thankyou,Keith.”
JohnbumpedMark’sarmandhelookedinmydirection.Hisgazedraggeddownmybodybeforehis

famoussmilefilledhislipsandmademybodydizzilyheadinhisdirection.

“Wow.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek gently and hovered there for moment. “You look

amazing.Mylittleicicleisprettyhottonight!ThoughIdoloveyourscrubsandChucks.”

“Thankyou,andnoted.”Itiltedmychinandrubbedmycheekacrosshis.
“You’reblushing,”heteased.
“Youfillmyheadwithallkindsofthoughts,andsomearenottobeshared.”
Helaughed.“DoI?”Heslippedhishandaroundmywaistandpulledmetohim.
I took a step back as Paul joined us and almost tripped when I ran into someone. Mark grabbed my

sidesoIwouldn’tfall.Daniel’spointedexpressioncaughtmyattentionasIregainedmyfooting.

“Oh,I’msorry…”Istarted,thenturnedandfroze.
“Mia?”
Oh,shit!No…

CHAPTERNINE

“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”
Marklookedatme,thenatFrank—myfather.“Youtwoknoweachother?”
“Doyoutwoknoweachother?”heaskedMark.
Oh,fuck,thisisbad!
“Yes,Miaismygirlfriend.”Markpulledmecloser.
Myfatherreachedoverandtuggedmetohisside.“Yeah?Well,she’smydaughter.”
Therewereaudiblegaspsaroundtheroom.
Mark’sfacedropped.Somuchranacrosshisface,fromshocktopuzzlement,buttheyallendedwith

hurt.

Heshookhishead,steppedback,thenturnedandwalkedaway.Istartedtogoafterhim,butmyfather

caughtmyarm.

“Weneedtospeak.Now,Mia.”
IlookedatSavannahforhelp,butshewastoobusydealingwithCole,wholookedlikehemightflip

hisshitanymoment.

“Mia,”myfatherorderedfromthehallway.“Move,now.”
Withadeepbreath,Ifollowedhimoutside,grabbingmyjacketontheway.IdidhearDanielcallout

toCole.

The air was cold, and a few flurries fell. I wrapped my jacket around me and leaned against the

woodenrail.Myfatherlitacigarandsatinoneofthechairswithhisanklerestingonhisknee.

“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Hisvoicerubbedmethewrongway.
“I’mathirty-year-oldwoman,Dad.I’mherebecauseI’mdatingMark.”
“Thehellyouare.”
Isqueezedmyhandstogetherinfrustration.Iwassotiredofmyfathertryingtorunmylife.
Ishrugged,lostforwordsatthispoint.
“Mia,listentomeforonceinyourlife!ThekindofworkMarkandguyslikehimdoinvolveshorrible

things, things no one wants to know about. Damn it, tomorrow he’s going on a mission that involves
huntingdownthesavageswhokilledseventypeople.Manyofthemwerechildren.Doyouwanttohave
todealwiththefalloutfromthatkindofwork?Whatkindoflifewillyouhave?Isthatwhatyouwantfor
yourself?”

Theblooddraineddowntomytoes,leavingmelightheaded.
Hewenton.“Hemaynotcomehomefromoneofthesemissions.YouknowwhathappenedtoCole?

He was taken and held in captivity. The video they sent of him being beheaded caused Savannah to
miscarry their first child. Did you know that?” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs.
“Do you really want that kind of life? The constant fear, the wondering, never knowing what is really

happeningtohimeveryday?”Hewasrelentless,hiswordsshocking.

Istaredatafloorboard,notsurewhattosay.
“HowinthehelldidColeevenallowyoutocomehere?”
Ifelttheneedtoprotectthehouse.“Iwasattackedatmyapartment.”
“InMinnesota?”
“NorthDakota,”Icorrected,notcaringatthispoint.“Markgotworriedaftermyapartmentwasbroken

intoafterthat,soheandColeworkedoutadeal.IsignedtheNDAandcameheretobesafeuntiltheyfind
outwho’sbehindit.”

Nowitwashisturntolookshocked.“What?Tellmemoreaboutthis.Anyleads?”Histonewasmixed

withconcernandanger.

“Youshouldtalktothem.”IhadnointerestingivingmoreinformationthanIneededto.
He shook his head before he stood. “Lies cause nothing but hurt, baby girl.” He turned and pointed

overhisshoulderatthehouse.“Getyourstuff.We’releaving.”

“No.”IknewIneededtostandmyground.Myfatherwasnotgoingtotakecontrolofmylife.Iwas

finishedwithhisbullyingtactics.

“Thishouseisbuiltontruth,andyoubrokerulenumberonebylyingtoMarkaboutwhoyouare.Ifyou

don’tleavewithme,Colewillsendyoupackinganyway.Saveyourselftheembarrassmentandgetyour
stuffsowecanleavetonight.”

AftermymanyconversationswithSavannahaboutthehouserules,Iknewhewasright,andthatmade

itworse.

Ipushedofftherailandheadedinside,butnotbeforeIheardhimmutter,“Onceagain,I’lltrytoclean

upyourmess.”

Iwhirledonhim,furious.“Ionlystartedlyingwhenyouwouldn’tletmelivemylifemyownway.I

movedtoNorthDakotaforKenny.Who,incaseyoudidn’tknow,passedaway.Ievenmissedhisfuneral
becauseIcamehere.I’venevermeasuredupenoughinyoureyes,Dad,soplease,”Iwipedmyfacefree
oftears,“letmecleanupmyownmesses.”Withthat,Iheadedinside.

Iracedupthestairsandheardshouting.Shit.IslippedintoMark’sroomandtossedmybagsonthe

bed.Ihadn’tbeenherelongenoughtocompletelyunpack,soitdidn’ttakelong.

“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”Markaskedfromthedoorway.Helookedasthoughhewasdrunk.Wow,

thiswasn’ttheMarkIknew.

“Tell you I’m the boss’s daughter? Because you wouldn’t have been yourself with me.” I zipped my

lastbag.

“Itreallyexplainssomuch.”Healmostchuckled.Yes,hewasdefiantlytipsy.HowlongwasItalking

tomyfather?“Youdidsayyoucamefromamilitaryfamily.”

“Ididn’tmeantokeepitfromyou,Mark.Iwantedtotellyousomanytimes,butIdidn’tknowhow.”
“Please,savemethe‘Iwantedto’speech.It’sacop-out.”
“Maybeitis.”Ipickedupmybagsandstoodinfrontofhim.“Frankisn’ttheeasiestmantolike,andI

justwantedyoutoknowmebeforeyouknewtherest.”

“DoIknowyou?”
Ouch.
Iknewbetterthantoanswerthatone,soinsteadIwaitedforhimtomove.Hedidbutonlyalittle.
“Soyou’releaving?”
“Youwantmetostay?”Aglimmerofhopeshoweditself.
“No…Idon’tknow.”Hemadlyrubbedhisheadashesankintoachairagainstthewall.“Youreally

hurtme,Mia.”

Ibitmytongue.Ididn’twanttocry.Itwasn’tmyrightto.“Iknow.”
“Isharedmorewithyouthananyone.Youweremyperson.”

Wow.Iswallowedbackthesobthatwantedtoeruptfrommyheart.
“Youbrokemytrust,Mia,andthat’sunforgiveable.”
Istartedtotakeastepforward,butheloweredhishead,rootingmeinplace.Istoodthereforafew

moments,notsurewhethertogotohimornot.Iwentwithmygut.

Threeshakingstepsforward,andIgentlyrestedmyhandsonhisslumpedshoulders.Hedidn’tlook

up,buthedidn’tflincheither.ItriedtomoistenmydrymouthbeforeIfoundthecouragetospeak.

“I’msosorry,Mark.Youdoknowme.I’myourlittleicicle,theonewho,”aheavybreathpassedmy

lips,“lovesyousoverymuch.Ithinkwejustneedtostepbackand—”

“Youneedtoleave.”Heleanedbackandremovedmyhandsfromhisshoulders.Hestoodandtowered

over me. He wouldn’t make eye contact, but I saw a tear slip before he wiped it away. “You need to
leave,Mia.”

Inearlycrumbledathiswords.Idugmyteethintomybottomliptostopthecry,butitwasn’tworking.

Iwasabouttobreak.

Heopenedthedoorandwaited.AsIgatheredmybags,hemovedoutintothehallway,backagainstthe

wall.IwalkedpasttheonlymanI’deverfalleninlovewith.

“Goodbye,Mark.”
Hegavemeaquicknodwhilehiseyesstayedgluedtothefloor.
Iturnedslowlyandwalkeddownthestairs.IjumpedwhenIsawAbigailinthehallwaywithtearsin

hereyes.Sheunexpectedlyheldherarmsopen.Ididn’tthink;Ijustwalkedrightin,wishingitwasmy
mother.

“I’msosorry,Abby,”Isobbedintohershoulder.“Inevermeanttohurtanyone.”
“Iknow,honey.”Shestrokedmyhairwithonehand.“Iknow.Marcushasneverletanyoneinlikehe

has with you, and he’s hurting. He’ll be better tomorrow morning. Come, let’s get you into a spare
bedroom.”

“No,” my dad hissed behind us, “I’m taking my daughter home. Seems we have a few things to

discuss.”

“Frank,”Abigailpleaded,“atleastletherandMarkmendtheirfencesbeforeyoutakeher.”
“Seemsyourboyaskedhertoleave.She’snotwantedhere.”
AsmuchasIwantedtoremindeveryoneweweregrownadults,forthefirsttimeinmylifeIfeltahint

ofwarmthcomingfrommyfather.

Hemarchedoverandtookmybags.“Let’sgo.”
“Callme.”Abigailkissedmycheek.“Keepincontact,please,honey.”
I nodded and followed him down the stairs. I looked over my shoulder one last time before I left.

SavannahcaughtmyeyeandblewmeaquickkissbeforeColecalledhertohisside.Iwasthankfulhe
didn’tseeme.Iwasatmyworst,sothefeweraround,thebetter.

Onceinsidethedreadedchopper,Iheldonfordearlife.Aswerose,myheartsank.Iwastootiredto

fightit,soIwelcomedmypunishmentandletthepainandthefearhitmelikeanavalanche.

Dad instructed the pilot to take us to the North Dakota airport. We were going to his home. I didn’t

evencareifthedamnmachinecrashedontheway.

***

Mark

Location:Mexico

Coordinates:Classified

ThesteadysoundofthechopperbladesmademymindwanderbacktoaweekagowhenIlaycurled

aroundMia.IhadneverfeltmorecompletethanthatmomentwhenItoldherthepainfultruthofmypast.
Insteadofrunning,shemadelovetome.ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadeverletgoofthepastand
couldactuallyseemyselfwithafuture.Wherehaditallgone?

This was take two of this trip. The first mission was aborted halfway there. I almost drove myself

crazy.Iwassobadlyinneedofsomedistraction.Ihadn’tbeenabletogetMiaoffmymind,anditdidn’t
helpthatSavannahandAbigailwerealwaysrighttheretoremindmeofher.Imissedhersomuch,butI
was still confused and hurt over her lie, and I couldn’t get past it. I knew I’d lost trust in her, and I
questionedmyinabilitytocometotermswithit.Isimplycouldn’tgetmyheadaroundherpretense.

My mind came back to the mission. Thankfully, we were finally able to get confirmation on the

location of their rendezvous spot. We were able to mark their traffic and find a pattern, allowing us to
pinpointit.Iwasitchingforrelief.Ineededaction.

Keith bumped my foot and tossed me a Red Bull, giving me a long look before he went back to

watchingoutthewindow.KeithandIhadneverbeenascloseasColeandI,butIhadalotofrespectfor
him.Hewasagreatsoldier,atruefriend,andhadmybackwithnoquestionsasked.Though,lately,he
seemedtobestrugglingwithsomethingpersonal.Hewouldn’tshare,andIthoughtheeventoldColeonly
asmuchasheneededtoknow.

Colecaughtmyattentionandgavemeasignal,askingifmyheadwasthere.Inoddedandlookedaway.
Arounditwentinmyheadagain…Howcouldshenothavetoldme?WitheverythingIsharedwithher,

shefailedtomentionherfatherwasmyboss.I’dneverhadaproblemwithFrank,butIwouldn’tgooutof
mywaytospendtimewiththeman.Clearly,hekepthispersonallifeprivate.Somuch,infact,wenever
evenknewhisdaughter’sname,onlythathehadone.

I leaned forward and rubbed my face. This was so screwed up. Savannah gave me shit the next

morning.ShehadheardwhatIsaidtoMiaandwassurprisedathowcoldIwastoher.Yes,thehappy
Mark did have a breaking point, and Mia had found it. I wasn’t ready to internally rehash that
conversation.

First,Ineededtogetthroughthismission.Colehadworkedhiscontactsandfoundoutthegroupthat

originallytookoutthehousefullofillegalswaskilledbyasmallbranchofthecartelscalledtheReyes
Mortales.InEnglish,theywerecalledDarkPride.Theywererelativelynew,whichmadethismissiona
bit more intense, since we didn’t know much about them. Our intel said they were little more than
savages,evenmoresothantherestofthecartels,andthatwassayingsomething.

“ETAtenminutes,men,”Colecroakedovertheradio.
John added extra ammo to his vest, while Paul checked his rifle clip. Cole pulled out a photo of

Savannahandgaveitakissbeforetuckingitinsidethepocketinthechopper.Itkilledhimnottotakeher
picture,butafterlasttime,helearnedhislesson.Keith,ontheotherhand,satperfectlystill,staringatthe
wall.Hewouldbeoursniperthismission.Hehadthebestaimandwasthemostpatient.Ipretendednot
tonoticeColewantedmeintheactionthistimearound.HeknewIneededit.

Withtwofingers,IpulledapieceofcherryHubbaBubbafreeandpoppeditinmymouth.Theflavor

ranalongmytastebudsandshotthroughmewithawaveofexcitement.

We’dbarelyhitthegroundbeforewejumpedtoourfeetinsideadustcloud.Movingswiftlytoward

ourcover,wespreadoutandwouldcheckinwitheachotherafterthesunwentdown.

Fortyminutesofstraightrunning,andthirtytomakeourshelter,wentdownwellwithme,butthefour

hoursofwatchingmademeantsy.

Thesunfinallywentdown,whichwasnice,sincemyheadwaspounding.Inevergotheadaches,butI

hadarealbitchofone.

“Here.”Colehandedmeapacket.

CrushedExcedrinwithalightdustingofBenadryl.Colesworebyit.Rippingtheplastic,Iemptiedit

inmymouthandletitdissolveundermytongue.

“Take twenty,” he ordered, shifting so I could rest against the tree trunk. Surprisingly, my eyes felt

heavy,andIwasout.

***

“Mark,” Manuel whispered from somewhere. My PJs were twisted around me. I must have had

anothernightmare.

“Manuel?”Icalledout,unabletoseehim.
“IsawwhatyoudidtoMom.Iknowyoukilledher.”
“I-Idon’trememberdoingit,”Icriedasthepainrippedthroughmychest.“Idon’tremember.”
Iheardhisfootstepsmovetowardme.“Youkilledher,andI’mtheonlyonewhoknows.Nowyou

havetodowhatIsay,orI’lltell.”

“Youwouldtell?”
Imovedthesheetoffandthecoldnessofmyroomsurroundedme.
“Youwereabadlittleboy,Mark.Iwantyoutokillher.”
“Who?”
“Thegirlyoulove.Mia.”

***

Zip!Zip!Zip!
“Lopez!” Cole’s sharp voice cut through my dream. I scrambled to catch up, and he tossed me night

gogglesthatIslippedonquicklytoseethelinesofgreenfromthebullets.

Without hesitation, I lifted my gun and opened fire. Twenty-one bullets later, and the assholes were

down.

“Let’sjusthopetheydidn’tcallitin,”Colehuffedasheopenedaproteinbar.Heofferedmeone,butI

shookmyhead.“Really?”Hismouthhungopen.

“Yourpowderconcoctiontookmyhungeraway.”
Hestilllookedshocked.“Headbetter?”
“Much,thanks.”Isettledintothedugout,openedmycanteen,anddownedmorethanhalfofit.
Iwatchedashemunchedaway.Justbeforehefinishedit,Isnatchedthelastbiteandpoppeditinmy

mouth.

Igrinnedwhileheflippedmeoff.WhowasIkidding?Mybellycouldneverbedenied.
WhatIlikedaboutColewasheknewwhentopushmeandwhennotto.Sowesatinsilenceuntilthe

morning,whenwewoketothesoundofgunfireechoingoffthemountains.

“Confirm!”Colebarkedintotheradio.
Immediately,theteamcheckedinthatitwasn’tus.
“RavenOne,thisisEagleEye.”Keith’svoicewasquietbutsteady.“Wehavecompany.”
“Ineedconfirmationit’sourtarget.”
“Copythat,RavenOne.Standbyforconfirmation.”
Wequicklygatheredourthingsanderasedourtracksfromourhideout.Onourwaydownthemountain,

we stopped to camouflage our faces. The more we blended, the better. Besides, I might have had a
Hispanic last name, but I was only a quarter. My near-white skin was a dead giveaway, and we didn’t
needtostandoutanymorethanwealreadydid.

“There.”Colepointedtothetreeline,whereweduckeddownandscannedthearea.
Myradiowasn’tsittingrightonmyneck.Ithoughtthemixofsweatandpaintwasmessingwiththe

Velcro.Iclickeditafewtimesandgotittosettlebackinplace.

“EagleEyehasconfirmationthattargetsareinsight.Irepeat,targetsareinsight.Fifty-sixdueeast.”
Withmyeyetothescope,Ifollowedhisdirectionsandgotsightofthetargets.
“Copythat,EagleEye,”Coleanswered.“Moveinonmycommand.”
“Copy that, move on command,” John whispered from a distance away. I watched as he and Paul

inchedclosertotheclearing.Theyblendedperfectly,butbecauseIknewwheretheywere,Icouldsee
them.

“Headsup.”Isquintedatamanabouttakeapissjustofftotherightofthem.“Youhavecompanyat

yourthreeo’clock.”

“Copythat,”JohnansweredjustasPaulsteppedfromthebushes,stabbedthemanintheneck,lowered

himtotheground,thenpulledhimbackintotheshrubsasifhehadn’tevenbeenthereatall.

Colegavemethesignal,andwebookedittothesideofthehouse.Inchingourwaytowardthefront,

westoppedwhenweheardthescreendoorshut.Coleremovedhismirrorandtilteditaroundthecorner.
Twofingerswentupandthengaveasilentcountdown.Onone,webothjumpedthemen,coveredtheir
mouths,andsnappedtheirnecks—asilentkill.Rollingtheirbodiesunderthehouse,weglancedthrough
thescreendoorandsawsixmoremendrinkingandsmoking,toobusytopaymuchattentiontowhatwas
happeningoutside.InoddedatthecratefullofAK-47s.Ammunitionwasspreadouteverywhere.

AsIsteppedforward,Ikickedsomethingsoftwithmyboot.Iswoopeddownandcameeyetonose

withasmallorangekitten.Ithadtheaudacitytohissandstrikeatmynosewithitstinypaw.Afteraquick
rubofapologyonthetopofitshead,Iswipedthefluffylittlebodyundertheedgeofthefoundation.This
wasnoplaceforananimal.

Shoutingcamefrominside,andwejumpedtothegroundandoutofsight.Thedooropened,andtwo

muddybootsstoodinfrontofus.Thekittenwounditselfaroundoneoftheguy’sfeet,onlytobekickedto
theside,tumblingoverthegroundwithasqueak.Istartedtomove,butColestoppedme.

Hegavemethesigntofocusonourtask.Withanod,Igotmyheadbackinthegame.Hewasright,of

course;itwasjustreflex.

Thebootsturnedandwentbackinside.
“RavenOne,youmayhavecompanyinten.”Keithsoundedlikehewasonthemove.
“10-4.”Colenoddedandgavetheorderstotheothermentomovein.
JustasIwasabouttoheadinside,Icaughtsightofthekittenagaintakingadvantageoftheopportunity

togetinside.Iscoopeditupandtuckeditintooneofmybigflappedpockets.

Withmygundrawn,myeyetothescope,wemovedin,shootinganythingthatmoved.Weclearedthe

kitchen,twobedrooms,abathroom,andthelivingroombeforewestoppedatthebottomofthestairs.Six
bodieswerelaidout,andbloodcoveredthefloors.Iwasimmunetothistypeofbloodshedafteryearsof
chasingshitslikethiswhokilledtheinnocentfortheirownentertainmentandprofit.IfoundtheoneIwas
lookingfor,theguywhohadkickedthecat.Iwantedtopopanotherinhishead,buthewheezed,soIleft
himtodrownpainfullyinhisownblood.Hatredburnedthroughme.

Colewhistledatmetofollowupstairs.
Ihatedstairs.Nomatterifyouwerecomingorgoing,therewerealwaysblindspotsandnowayto

shieldyourselffromoncomingfire.

Colewentaheadofme,andIgrippedmyguntighterwitheachstep.Myfingerwassnugaroundthe

trigger, and I kept turning my body to watch ahead as well as our rear as we went up. Sweat dripped
downmyspineandsoakedthewaistbandofmypants.

As soon as Cole flinched, I locked onto what he saw, and we fired. Two men fell heavily, and one

cametumblingdownonus.Colemanagedtomove,butIwasfiringwhenhehitmeandknockedthegun

outofmyhands.Hegottangledinmystrapandlandedontopofit.

“Fuck,”Icursedandranbackdownthestairsafterit.Johnwasintheotherroom,watchingfromthe

corner.Heneededtokeepaneyeoutforanyunexpectedcompany.

PaulraceduptojoinColeasItriedtofreemygun.
Twotugslaterthestrapfinallyreleasedfromtheman’sleg.Asoundmademelookupintimetosee

theguywiththemuddybootsrunoutthebackdoor.

“Oh,hell,no!”Ijumpedoverthedeadbody,throughthekitchen,andoutthescreendoor.
Withmyfingerstomyneck,Ipushedthebutton.“Subjectonthemove.”Iwaited,butgotnothing.The

treeswerethickerasIpushedfurtherintothewoods.“EagleEye,doyoucopy?”Nothing.Ijiggledthe
wires,butitonlymadeastrangeclickingnoise.“Fuck!”

Irippeditoffmyneckandletitdangleovermyshoulder.Iwasgaininggroundonhim,andhewas

slowing,soitwasonlyamatteroftime.

Thegrounddropped,andthemandisappearedmomentarily.Iracedforward,feetpounding,whilemy

heartbeatmatchedtheirpace.

Stop,mygutscreamedatme.Allmytrainingtoldmetostop.Icouldn’tseewhatwascoming;Icould

berunningfullspeedintoabullet.

MyheelsduginandIcametoahalt.Droppingtomyknees,Iinchedupoverarocktogetapeekand

sawthecoastwasclear.

I heard gunshots back at the house and looked over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and relied on my

hearing to find him. Filtering out all the natural noises, I honed in on the sound of snapping wood. I
jumpedtomyfeetandracedofftomyleft.Itdidn’ttakemelongtogetagoodvisualonhim.Hisdarkred
shirtstoodoutagainstthemutedtonesoftheforest.Pickingupspeed,Igainedsomedistance.Hedarted
right,andthenitdawnedonmewhatwewerecomingupto.Ibranchedoffandhopedtocuthimoff.My
feetwerelightasIswiftlyjumpedanddodgedbouldersandpits.Justanothertwofeetbefore…

Ijoltedtoastopandraisedmygunatthemanwhohadonepointedatme.
Hismouthwasmoving,mutteringsomething.Wait…
“Amen,”hewhisperedinEnglishbeforehestucktheguninhismouthandfired.Hiseyespoppedopen

beforehetiltedbackwardandfell.

Ihurriedtotheledgeandwatchedashisbodybouncedandspundownthemountain.Iwaiteduntilhe

landedbeforeIleft.Onedown,abilliontogo.

Therunbackgavemetimetoprocesswhathappened,butitalsoallowedmetimetothinkofMia.I

hatedthepainthatcamewithhername.WouldIeverbeabletoforgiveher?WouldIreallybeableto
livewithouther?

IslowedandpulledmyradioovermyshouldertoseeifIcouldfindwhatwaswrongwithit.Oneof

thewireshadwiggledlose.Kneeling,Icarefullyrewiredmyradio.

With it back in place, I turned in on, and I heard, “Man down! I repeat, man down!” Keith’s voice

slicedthroughmybrain.ThewoodsbecameablurasIracedbacktothehouse.Ihardlyrememberedmy
feettouchingtheground,Iwassofocusedontheteam.AssoonasIgottotheclearing,Isawthemenall
huddledaroundastretcher.

“Lopez!”Coleshoutedwhenhecaughtsightofme.“Hurry!”
Ididn’tthinkasIgrabbedahandleandranwiththemtowardthechopperthatwastouchingdownina

fieldacrosstheroad.

“Go!Go!Go!”Colescreamedatthepilot.Withinminutes,wewereintheairenroutetothehospital.
“Whatthehellhappened?”IlookedatKeith,whowastryingtopackthegolfballsizedholeinPaul’s

chestashetalkedcalmlytohim.Colewasyellingintoaradiotoprepthemedicalteamforourarrival,
andJohn,lookinggrim,wasforcinganIVintohisarm.

“Sniper.”

Fuck!
“Paul,buddy,you’regonnabeokay.”Ileanedoversohecouldseeme,buthedidn’tsomuchasblink.

Iremainedcalm—that’swhatweweretaughttodo—butIcouldfeeltheseverityofthesituationsneaking
uponme,andIknewKeithfeltittoo.

“Hey,”Johngrabbedhishandfromtheothersideandsqueezedithard,“don’tyougoanywhere,you

hearme?”

Nothing.
“We’vebeenthroughtoomuch,Paul.Moveyoureyesandlookatme,dammit!”
Nothing.
IglancedatKeith,whogavemeanod.Myfingersincheddowntohiswrist,andIclosedmyeyesas

myheartsank.

When I opened them again, both men were staring at me, and the hope started to drain out of the

chopper.

“No.”Iproppedmyselfuponmykneesandstartedtopressonhischest.Bloodoozedaroundus,and

mypantlegsstartedtofeeldamp.“Shit!”Iwasthrownintotheseats,whereabucklefromabeltslammed
intomyforeheadasthechoppertookadiptotheside.

“Shotsfired!”thepilotannouncedoverourheadsets.Colegotintopositionbehindagunandstartedto

showerthehorizonwithbullets.

Everything went fuzzy as I tried to raise my head. A tug backward, and I found myself looking into

Cole’sface.Heyelledsomething,buttherewasnosound.Herepeatedit,andIblinkedasIreadhislips.

“Youallright?”
Inoddedandlethimhelpmetomyknees.Mystomachturned,butImanagedtofightbackthenausea.
Thatwaswhenrealityslappedmeback.
Paul.

CHAPTERTEN

Mia

My mother held my hand as my father stared at me from the other end of the table. We had been

arguingforfivedays,andIwastiredofit.BetweenthelossofKennyandmybreakupwithMark,Iwas
finishedandknewIhadtomakesomemajordecisionsaboutmylife.

IhadmadesomecallsandwastransferringtoBostonMemorial.Isubmittedmytwoweeks’notice

lastweekandonlyhadtogetthroughsixmoreshiftsbeforeIwasdone.Achangewasneeded,andifI
stayedinNorthDakota,Ihadtodealwithtoomanypainfulmemories.

“IthinkImayneedtohaveatalkwithLoganoverthismess,”myfathermuttered.“FirstSavannah,

nowyou.It’slikeagoddamnfratpartyoverthere.”

“Thereareoverthirtymenwhoworkthere,Dad.Thirtymenwholovewhattheydobecausethey

believeinit,buttheyalsoneedalife.WhatColedidwasallowMarktobehappy.”

“Heallowedacivilianintoasafehousewhenshedidn’tneedtobethere.”
“Colehandleditprofessionally.IsignedtheNDAbeforeIknewanything.IonlyknewwhatIknew

becauseofyou.”Isquaredmyshoulders.“IknowtheBlackstonemotto,knoweachoftheirranks,and
knowabitabouttheirfamiliesbecauseofyou.”

“Youaremydaughter.”Histonewasclipped.
“AndMarkwasmyboyfriend.”
“It’sdifferent.”
Ileanedforward.“Really?Different,likehowyouletMominonyourassignmentsbeforeyouwere

married?”

“Becareful,Mia,”hewarned.
“Orwhat,Dad?You’llpunishme?Sendmetomyroom?Incaseyouforgot,I’mthirty,liveonmy

own,andworkajobIlove.Ajobyou’veneverbeenproudofmefor.Doyouhaveanyideahowmuch
thatbothersme?”

His face dropped. I’d never spoken to him like that. We’d always kept our feelings to ourselves.

Well,notanymore.

“Iamproudofyou,Mia,Ijustwantedmoreforyou,andIdon’twantyouinmyworld.”
“Why?Whatissobadaboutbeinginthemilitaryworld?”
“It’sdangerous,andyou’llalwaysbewonderingifthistimehewon’tbecominghome.It’snolife.”
“But,Dad,it’suptometodecideifIwantthat,notyou.”
Mymotherspokeup.“Shehasapoint,Frank.”Dadshookhisheadthenleftthetable.Thefacthe

didn’targuemorewasn’tlostonme.

Momwaiteduntilhewasgonebeforeshechangedhertone.“Yourfatherhasacontactthatwillbe

watching your building for the next while.” She handed me a folded piece of paper. “Here is his
number.Hesaidforyoutocallatanytime.”

Igladlytookit.WithoutMarkinmylife,allthescarythingsseemedworsethanbefore.

***

“Mia.”Dr.Evansopenedhisofficedoorandwelcomedme.Iunfoldedfromthechairandwalkedin.

“Thankyouforcoming.”

HelookedworriedashegingerlypickedupthecopyoftheemailIhadsenttoHumanResourcesand

scannedit.“CanIaskwhyyou’releaving?”

“I came here because of Kenny, and now that he’s—” I cleared my throat. “I’m not needed here

anymore.”

“Idisagree.You’reverygoodatwhatyoudo.Pleasedon’tleavebecauseofthat.Thishospitalneeds

someonelikeyou.”

“Thankyouforeverything,Dr.Evans,butIhaveroundstodo,andIhavealreadyusedupmylunch

break.”

“Please,Mia,justthinkaboutstaying.”
Iclosedmyeyesandpushedtomyfeet.Mymindhadbeenmadeup.“Ineedtogo.”
Withthat,Iclosedthedoorandletoutalong,heavysigh.Itwasforthebest.Iwasn’toneforstaying

longinplacesanyway.

I stopped at my locker and grabbed an apple. My blood sugar was running low since I barely ate

anything.AsIroundedthenurse’sstation,Vikkiyelledatmefromtheemergencydoors.

“Mia!”Shewavedmeoverjustasawholeseaofpeoplecamerushingin.
TheentireBlackstoneteamwasthere.Theylookedasiftheyhadcomebackfromawar.
“Male, Henry Paul, age thirty-three, gunshot wound to the chest. Unresponsive for nearly forty-five

minutes.”

“Igotit.”MollystartedbarkingoutordersbeforetheyrushedPaultotheOR.
Cole’sheavyhandlandedonmyshoulder.HenoddedtowardMark,whowascoveredinblood.He

lookedabitpale,andthecutabovehiseyesappearedprettydeep.Iwatchedashesteppedoutsideinto
thefreezingnightair.

“I’llgogetanurse.”IwasabouttoturnwhenColestoppedme.
“Itshouldbeyou.”Hisvoicewasflat.“Heneedsyourightnow.”
“Yeah.”InoddedasIcarefullyapproachedmyex.
Thewhitelong-sleevedshirtIworeundermydarkbluescrubsmightaswellhavebeenpaper,itwas

sothin.Ipulledmyhairfreefromitsbandsoitwouldactlikeablanketovermyshoulders.

Mark was on a bench, face in his hands, while his leg bounced. His uniform was all black, and

borderline intimidating. His hands were dirty with mud, and his face had streaks of blood that
disappearedintohisshirt.

“Mark?”Icouldbarelyfindmyvoice.Iwassoscaredhewasgoingtotellmetoleave.Heslowly

lifted his head, and his eyes were haunted. I hated that the first time we saw one another again was
becauseoneofhisteammemberswasclingingtolife.“CanIcheckyour,”Ipointedtomybrow,“cut?”

“I’mfine.”Heturnedtostareatthecarspassingby.
Ifoldedmyarmsandgavehimalook.“Please,Mark,Ineedtocheckyourcut.”
“You’regoingtofreeze,Mia.Gobackinside.”
Myemotionswereallovertheplace,soinsteadofleavingtosortthemout,Itookadeepbreathand

movedtositnexttohim,wincingathowcoldthebenchwas.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Hewaspissed.
“Sitting.”
“Mia,”hewarned.
“Mark,Icanbejustasstubborn,youknow.”
Heleanedbackandletoutalongbreath.Ituckedmybarehandsbetweenmylegsandtriedtokeepmy

shiveringtoalowvibration.

Somethingwiggledinhispocket.Ipulledback,startled,andafurryheadpoppedoutoftheflap.
Markreacheddownandgavehimasoftpatbeforethekittydovebackdownintothewarmth.
Thatwasrandom…
“You’regoingtogetsick,”hefinallysaid.
“I’lllive.”Ihadtofighttheurgetomovecloser.WithadeepbreathIdecidednowwouldbebetter

thannever.“Inevermeanttohurtyou,Mark.I’msosorryIdid.”

Hestoodandgesturedformetofollow.“Let’sdothis.”
Iledhimtoanemptybedandclosedthecurtainssowe’dhavesomeprivacy.Ididn’tsayanythingasI

cleanedhiscut,frozetheareaaroundit,andstartedtostitchhiswound.Hejuststaredovermyshoulder.
WhatIwouldn’tdotoknowwhatwasgoingoninsidehishead.

IturnedmybacktohimasItossedoutthebloodybandages.“Alldone.”BeforeIcouldsayanything

else,hewasonhisfeetandgatheringhisthings.

“Thanks.”Heopenedthecurtainandleft.
“Welcome.”Iwatchedasthecurtainswungclosedbehindhim.
Idecidedtosleepintheon-callroomincaseIwasneeded.Iwassotiredofanalyzingwhathappened

earlierthatwhenIhitthepillowIwasoutcold.

Myalarmfailedtogooff,andanothernursehadtowakemeupsoshecouldsleep.Ishoweredand

changedandheadedouttotheERfloorasfastashumanlypossible.Itwasprettyquiet,withonlyafew
peoplescatteredaroundthewaitingroom.

“Mia,”Vikkiwavedmeover,“theyleft.”
Mystomachsank.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Theyallleftaboutthreehoursago.”
“Oh.”Inodded.Well,then…anyhopeIhadforusflickeredout.
Sheputherhandonmine.“Weshouldtalk.”

***

Mark

Everything inside felt numb as my feet dragged in the soil. Each step took effort; each breath was

painful.Everyheartbeatchippedawayatthedamthatwasholdingmetogether.

Keithwasontheotherside,stone-facedlikeme,andweallkeptoureyesforward.
Snowflakesprickledmyexposedskin.ItwastheonlysignIwasstillalive.
Coleawkwardlyclearedhisthroatbeforehecommandedustomoveinside.
Ihatedthispart,alleyesonus,butatleastitwasonlyasmallgathering.
Mygriponthehandlewastight,andmywhiteglovesflexedovermyknucklesasIsteppedintothe

church.Savannahwasupfrontplaying“AmazingGrace.”

Afterwerestedtheblackcoffinonthestand,weturnedandsalutedoneofourbrothers.
Iremovedmygloveandplacedmyhandtothecoldwood.“Untilwemeetagain,”Iwhispered,“watch

overus.”

Coleplacedhishandnexttomineandwaitedabeatbeforeremovingit.
The service was…hard. I was happy it was over, and even happier when we returned home and all

wentourseparatewaysforthenight.

Afterastiffdrink,Ilayinbedandallowedmyselftofallasleep.

***

TwoWeeksLater

The house was finally getting back to some sense of normalcy. Savannah kept busy decorating for

Christmas.JunekeptaneyeonJohn,whohadsomeprettylowdipsoverhisbestfriend’sdeath.Theyhad
servedtogetherintheArmybeforetheyjoinedShadows,andtheyhadalotofhistory.Keithremainedthe
same.Hisphoneseemedtoringless,andIwasn’tsureifthatwasagoodthingornot.

A loud crash made me jump, and I turned to find Olivia had dropped a big bowl over her head.

Clementinesrolledallovertheplace.

“Mark,couldyoutakehertoAbby,please?”Savannahhadtapeinhermouthwhileshestrunglights

insidethewindow.

“Sure thing.” I stopped when I saw what she was covered in. “Oh, hell, no.” My hands shot up. “I

don’tdosparkles.”

Savihuffed,butIcouldseeIwasherentertainmentrightnow.“Now,UncleMark,canyoureallytell

methatyouwon’tpickupyourlittlesidekick?”

Ilookeddownatthesilver-speckled,dark-eyedbabywhohadjammedasetofherfather’skeysinher

mouth.Shegrinnedandreachedforme,soIpickedherup.

“Where’sKeith?”
“Nope,”hecalledoutfromsomewhereelse.
“Livy,we’vespokenaboutsparklesbefore.Ithoughtwehadanunderstanding,here.”Ireachedover

andpulledtheblanketfree.ShegiggledasIrolledheruplikeaburritoandcarriedhertoAbby.

***

ItookaseatacrossfromCole.
“Yougood?”Heraisedaneyebrowatmeacrossfromhisdesk.
“Howmanytimesareyougoingtoaskmethat?”
“Asmanytimesasittakesforyoutoadmityoumissher.”
We’dbeenoverthistopicatleastninetimes.
Ibegantospeak,butheheldupafinger.“IranintoFrankyesterdayintown.”
“And?”
Hestudiedmeforamoment.“Miagotintoacaraccidentlastnight.”
“What?”Ijumpedtomyfeetasmyheartraced.“Jesus,Ihaveto—”
Heleanedbackwithasmirk.Hefuckinglied!“Thatwasfuckedup,Cole.Shit!”Imovedtothebar

andpouredadoublebrandy.

“Yeah,butIneededtoknowwhereyourheadreallywasonthesubject.”Heletoutalongsigh.“That

feelingyouhave,theonethateatsatyouuntilyouseeherfaceoruntilyou’renearherandcaninhaleher
scent, the scent you need to ground you, won’t go away easily, if ever. Trust me.” His face became
serious.“Apartofyouwillgomad,andtheotherwillhurtsomuchyou’ddoanythingtomakeitgoaway.
Youloveher.”

“Iknow,”Ifinallyadmittedtomyselfandtohim.WhileIhadbeenabletoreleasesomeofthepent-up

pain,whatwasleftstillhungheavyaroundme.

“Mark,I’vebeenwhereyouare.Youneedtofixthisbeforeyougetkilledinthefieldsimplybecause

yourheadisn’tinthegame.”Webothflinchedathiscomment,butwemovedpastit—wehadto.Butwe
wouldn’tforget.

“Yeah,Iknow.”Istaredatthefloor.Hewasright.Fuckme,hewasright.“Ineedtogo.”
“No!”
WeturnedtofindSavannahinthedoorway.
“I’msorry,”herhandswavedintheair,“butasmuchasthisbro-mancewassweettoeavesdropon,

youtworeallyneedafemalewakeupcall.”

“Baby,”Coletriedtocutin,butSavannahgavehimalook,andhebackeddown.Ilovedthatabout

them.Theyknewwhentheotherneededtospeak.

“Miagothurttwicesinceyoucameintoherlife.Youlashedoutonatopicshehelddeartoherheart

the first time, and the second, you let her go without trying to work through it.” I opened my mouth to
argue,butshestoppedme.“It’smyadvice,andyoumaynottakeit,butyou’llhearmeoutbecauseI’m
helpingyougetherback.YouneedtoputthiswholeManuelthingbehindyoubeforeyoueventhinkabout
havingMiabackinyourlife.”

TheleatheronCole’schairsqueakedasheturnedtofaceme.“Iagree.”
“Now,pullthathurtstickoutofthatcutelittleassandmakeshithappen.”Savannahmighthavebeen

smallandpretty,butsheknewhowtogiveittoyoustraight.

“Youthinkmyassiscute?”IwinkedasColerolledhiseyes.Ididusehumortohelpmecope.“Okay,

you’reright.”

“Oh,Iknow.”SheblewColeakissandshutthedoorbehindher.
“AndifIgetherback?”
“We’llworkitout.”Colegavemeanodbeforehemotionedtothechairinfrontofhim.“Canwetalk

aboutManuelnow?”

CHAPTERELEVEN

UnderCole’sadvisement,IhadasessionwithDr.Robertsaboutthemissingpiecesofmymemory.
Irespectedthedoctor,Ireallydid,butIhadahardtimewiththefacthewasdatingAbby.
He asked a lot of questions as I lay with my head on a pillow, staring up at the ceiling fan. Without

reallythinking,Ilethiminandshowedhimaroundthemazeofjumbledmemories,somemoreclearthan
others.

Mostly,Inoticedmybrotherwasalwaysthereinthedistance.Heneversaidordidanything,butstood

andwatchedasIgavethedocatourofmypast.Hewaslikeapictureonawallyou’veseenathousand
times, but unless you were thinking about it, you didn’t pay attention to it. That was Manuel inside my
head.

“I’mgoingtocountbackfromthree,”Doc’svoicewaslowandcalm,“andwhenIdo,youwillwake

fullyrestedandalert.Three,two,one,wakeup,Mark.”

Iblinkedandnoticedthetimeonhiswatch.SomehowImisplacedthelastfortyminutesofoursession.
“Whathappened?”
“Ihypnotizedyou.”
Allthedoorsinsidemyheadslammedshut.“Youwhat?Why?”
“Youaskedmeto.”
“Idid?”Really?
“Giveyourbrainamomenttoprocessit,thenyou’llremember.”Heremovedhisglassesandusedthe

loosepartofhisdressshirttocleanthem.“Youhaveamarvelouswayofblockingthingsout,Mark.I’ve
neverseensomeonestilltrytocontrolthesituationwhentheyaretheonebeinghypnotized.However,you
seemedtobedistractedbysomething.Doyourecallwhatthatwas?”

Rubbingmyhead,Itriedtopullbackthememory.“Mybrother.Hewaswatchingusmoveaboutmy

thoughts.Whenwe’dmoveintooneroom,he’dfollow,justwatching.”

“Hmm.”Docputhisglassesbackinplace,hisexpressionturningthoughtful.“It’sprettyobvioustome

thatyouhaveblockedoutamajorpartofwhathappenedthatday.YourbrainistryingtotellyouManuel
isinvolved.”

MyphonerangandIpulleditfreefrommyjeanpocket.

Cole:Packyourbags,foundManuel.Bereadyinthirty.

Mark:10-4.

“Sorry,Doc.”Iwasheadedforthedoorwhenhespokeup.
“Mark,Iknowwe’vebeenoffonthewrongfootsinceIstarteddatingAbigail.IwantyoutoknowI

reallycareforher.”

Ifeltnervous.“IhopeIdidn’tsayanything—”
“Youdidn’t,Ijustwantedtocleartheair.”
“Okay.”Irespectedthat.“Thanks.”
“Oh,andMark…”Istoppedatthedoor.“CallMia.Sheisthecauseofyourheadaches.”
Igavehimasmallsmile.“Iplanto.”
“Good.”Hewentbacktohisnotes,andIleftfeelingsurprisinglybetterthanIdidgoingin.
Ihurrieddownthehallwayandupthestairstopack.
Twenty minutes later, Cole gave me a rundown as we raced to the chopper. Keith decided to come

along,whileJohnstayedbehind.Colewasn’tsurewhatwewerewalkinginto,andhewantedhimtostay
putbutbereadyincaseweneededhimlater.Plus,weknewhewasn’treallyreadyforfieldworkyet.

We landed in North Dakota and set up surveillance in a hotel with a bird’s eye view of an old

warehousethatwaspresentlyusedasabutchershop.

IpulledtheinvitationfreefromthewhiteenvelopethatwassenttoFrankanonymously.Itwasforan

underground poker tournament. Rumor had it the jackpot was up to seventy-five thousand. It was pretty
clearManuelplannedtomakeanappearance,sowemadesureIwasgoingtobetheretoo.Myfingerran
overthenumberfive;thatwastheroomI’dbein.

“Checkone,two,alpha,beta,delta.”ColewaitedformetogivethesignalthatIcouldhearhim.Igave

himathumbsupfromacrossthedirtyhotelroom.

“Thisplaceisafucking—”Keithslammedhishanddownoveraspider,“—dump.”
Colebentandrestedhiseyetothelipofthescope.Ishruggedasweaterovermyheadandmadesure

mymicwashiddenthroughtheheavyyarn.Icouldn’thelpbutglanceatmyphone.WhatIwouldn’tdoto
hearhervoicejustonce,togroundme.

ColeandKeithseemedtobepreoccupiedwiththepreparation,soIsnatchedmyphoneandslipped

intothebathroom.

“Oh,fuck.”Iretractedmyhandfromthesinkwhereabeetlecrawledoutofthedrain.Iflippedacup

over top of it, scooped it up, and dropped it out on the windowsill. My thumb scrolled through my
contacts and stopped at her name. I brought the phone to my ear and let out a long breath. Of course it
wentstraighttovoicemail.

“You’vereachedMia.Leaveamessage.”
Iglancedinthemirrorandwentwithmygut.“Hey,it’sme,Mark.I…um…I’mjustabouttogofindmy

brother at this underground poker thing.” I paused and wondered why the hell I was telling her this.
“Look,Imissyou,Mia.IknowI’vemessedupwithus,pushedyouawaywhenreallyIwantedtohold
you.Ijustneededyoutoknow.”Mymouthwentdryandmyhandsturnedcold.“I—”

“Pressonetokeepthemessage,orpresstwotorerecord.”
Fuck.Iloweredthephone.Myheaddidthesame.
“Iloveyou.”
“Shakeitandleave,dude.”Keithpoundedonthedoor.“You’reup.”
Withthirtygrandinmypocket,Iwalkeddownthebackalleyandknockedthreetimes,addinganother

quickknockattheend.

Thedooropened,andahugeLatinomanlookedmeupanddownbeforeheaskedifIwascarrying.
“No.”IliftedmyshirttoshowIwasclean.
“Money?”
“Yeah.”Ididn’toffertoshowhim,though.
“Fifthdooronyourright.”
I moved inside the dark room and made sure my shoulder scanned the perimeter since Cole was

recordingallofthis.

Thick smoke burned my lungs as I descended deeper into the warehouse. They definitely made sure

yougottheundergroundfeelwiththisplace.Hardlyanylightingandmoregunsthanthecartelscarried.

When I stood in front of door number five, I wondered if I should knock. I decided against it and

walkedinplayingthefoolinsteadofthecautiousone.

Fivemenwereatatableplayingcards,whileanothertwotalkedinthecorner.
ThemenplayingcardsrosequicklywhenIentered,asdidtheirguns.
Ilookedatthemwithfakesurprise.“You’repointinggunsatme?”
“Weapononthetable,andwhothefuckareyou?”onebarkedout.
“Well, I’m not carrying, but you already know that since no one could get by the sumo out there.

Second,Iwasinvited.”IreachedinmyjacketbutheldmyotherhanduptoshowIdidn’tmeananyharm.
Itossedtheinvitationattheguy’sfeet.

Hereacheddownandexaminedit.
“Cash?”
“Yeah.”Ipattedthelinerofmyjacket.
Hestaredatmeforamomentthennoddedtowardthetable.“Buyinistenthousand.”
“Lovely.Welcometothegame.”IsnickeredtoshowIwasn’tnervous.Itooktheopenseatbetweena

skinnyguywhoIguessedwouldcheatbythewayhewaseyeingmyjacket,andanotherwhomightdieof
aheartattackbythetimehefinishedhisfriesandgravy.Luckyme.

Thedooropenedagain,andinwalkedDell.BeforeIcouldevenprocesshim,Colestartedprattlingin

myear.Dellfrozewhenhesawme,butheregainedhiscomposureashegaveaslightnodtowardthebar
offinthecorner.IwaitedafewbeatsbeforeIclearedmythroat.

“BeforeIbuyin,yougotanybourbon?”Ipointedtothebar,onlytogetagruntfromthefatman.“So

that’sayes?”Istaredathim.“Okay.”Imovedoutofmychairandtothebar,whereDellchuckedalime
intohisrumandCoke.

“Whatthefuck,Dell?”IhissedbeforeIordered.Dellhadn’tevenbeenwithShadowsforayear,and

nowhewashereinthisfuckingwarehouse.Great.Onemorepersontowatchover.

“Thatwasgoingtobemyquestion,”hemumbledashecheckedthetime.
“Youcomehereoften?”Iglancedatthetablewheretheskinnyguyeyedme.
“Thepastsixyears,Ihavebeen.Look,youcan’ttellanyone.Loganwouldforbidit.”
“Fuck,yeah,Ido!”Colecursedinmyear.
“Nothelping,”ImutteredtoCole.Ishiftedsotheycouldn’tseemyface.“YouhappentoknowaNew

YorkcopnamedManuelLopez?”

Dell stopped, his glass at his lips, and peered at me over the rim. “Yes, we’re good friends. He’s a

goodguy.Wh—”Thelightwentoninsidehishead.“Holyshit,isheanyrelationtoyou?”

“Mybrother.”Ilookedaroundtheroom.
“Holyshit,Ididn’tevenknowyouhadabrother!”
“Yeah,well,he’sonlymybrotherthroughblood.Look,Dell,you’vejustwalkedintothemiddleofa

shitstorm.Wedon’tknoweachother,andifManuelshows—”

“He’llbehere.Heinvitedme.”
“Whenhedoesandwhenshitgoesdown,Idon’twanttoseeyou.”
“Copythat.”
“Youguysplanningadate,ordoyouwanttoplaycards?”amanasked,annoyed.
“Becarefulofthatone.”Delldownedhisdrinkandtookhisspotatthetable.
Twogamesin,Ipurposelylost,notwantingtoshowmyhabits.Itwasn’tuntilthethirdgamethatIwon

backwhatIlost.Dellwasuncomfortable,hishandrubbingoverhisbrowmoreoftenthannot.I’dplayed
withhimenoughtimestoknowheplayedbetterthanthis.Icouldtellhewasrattledbymebeingthere.

Just as I piled my winnings in front of me, the door opened, and it took all I had not to lose my

composure.

“SorryI’mlate,Noah.”ManuelremovedhisjacketandhandedittotheguyIspokewithearlier.Holy

shit.Noah,asinNoahBeck?Icouldn’tbelieveit.NoahwasManuel’sbestfriendgrowingup.Ihadn’t
recognizedhim.

Fuckme,Ihatedthatguy!
Manuelsatdownatthetableandlookeddirectlyatme.“Soyougotmyinvite.”
“Idid.”Iwasn’tsureifwewerebrothersatthatpoint,orifIshouldbeplayingalong.
“Abort,”Colemutteredinmyear.
“No,”IhissedwhenMia’sfacepoppedinfrontofme.Thisneededtoendtonight.
ManuelsmirkedrightbeforehenoddedatNoah.“Leftearandchest.”
Noahcameoverandrippedoffthetinyearpieceandcrusheditwithhisboot.Hedidthesamewiththe

wire.AllIhadleftwasacamera,noaudio.

“Youacop?”Theskinnyguyshuffledthecardsashepuffedawayonacigarette.
“Specialops,”Manuelchimedinagain.“Theall-Americanboy.”
“Right,andhe’sacop,sowhatamIdoinghere?”Oddlyenough,Iwasn’tnervous.AllIsawwasred.

Thiswastheshowdownweneeded.

“You,”Noahmovedintomydirectlineofsight,“aregoingtowinwhatyourbrotherowesus.”
“AndifIdon’t?”
Manuelmadeastrangeface,oneIdidn’trecognize.NoahsnappedhisfingersatMr.HeartAttackGuy

next to me. He slid a phone over so I could see the photo that was on its small screen. It was of Mia
readingabookoutsidetheER.ThenthescreenflippedtoanotherpictureofhertalkingtoMollybythe
nurse’sstation.

No,no,no!IglancedoveratManuel,whowatchedmecarefully.
“Wehavesomeonewatchingyourprettyladyatthehospital.Youwouldn’twantanythingtohappento

her,wouldyou?”

Iremainedcalmontheoutside.Gatheringmystrength,Icompressedallmyfearandtuckeditinthe

centerofmystomachandflickedmygazeovertoManuel.Iclearedmythroat.“Youcantellthemtoleave
heralone.”IletmyeyesburnintoNoah’s.“Okay,let’splay.”

“Excellent.”ManuelgrinnedatNoah.“Let’slightthisshitup.”
Noahopenedadifferentdoorofftothesideandgreetedsomenewplayersastheyentered.
“Welcome,welcome.”Heclappedinexcitement.“Ihopeyoubroughtenoughcashformetowin.”The

menchuckledathislamejoke.

Sevennewmenjoinedthetable.Theywereservedadrinkandweretoldtherulesbeforetheskinny

guydealtthecards.

With my head down, I played, and not once did I engage more than I had to. I did only what was

neededandcontinued.

Threegamesinandtwohourslater,Iwonseventy-threethousanddollars.Ididn’tblinkatthecashthat

waspilingupinfrontofme.Therageinsidewasenoughtokeepmefocused.

Itappedthetableoverandover.NoneofthemrealizedIwaslettingColeknowtostanddown.Imade

suremyfingerswereinviewofthetinycameraonmysweater.Nothingcouldfuckthisup.Ineededto
washmyhandscleanofthissituationonceandforall.

Ateightygrand,Itossedmycardsdown.“I’mdone.”
“Ah, no, you’re not.” Noah pulled his gun from his pants. “Your brother’s debt is two hundred

thousand.”

Iglancedatmybrother,wonderinghowwecouldbesodifferentandwhyhisbestfriendwasholding

aguntomyhead.

“Notmyproblem.”Ishrugged.

“Mark,”Manuelwarned,butthistimeIdidn’tcare.“Don’tfuckwiththeseguys.”
Dellshiftedandrubbedhisnose,whichwasasigntonotpushthem.
Noahnoddedattheguynexttome,whoshovedhisphoneinmyfaceagain.
TherewasMia,walkingoutofapatient’sroom.Oh,God,pleasedon’tlethergethurtbecauseofme

again.IknewIhadtocalltheirbluff.

Bluff.Thatwaswhatthiswas.Ithadtobe.TheyhadtoknowI’dneverplayiftheyhurther.“LikeI

said,I’mdone.”

NoahthoughtforamomentasManuelstartedtopanic.
“Fuckingshootthebitch!”Manuelyelledandtossedhisdrinkonthetable.“Hecares,Noah,youjust

havetopushhim.”Hestoodandwavedhisarms.“Takehimintheotherroomandlethimplaywiththe
highrollers.Markcouldbeatthedealerathisowngame.Stopwiththispractice.It’stimetoplayforreal.
Youseehe’sunbeatable.”

NoahlookedatthetwoofusbeforehepointedhisgunatManuelandcalmlyshothimintheknee.
Holyshit!
Manuelscreamedashefelltothefloor.Fiveofthemenpickeduptheircashandheadedoutthedoor.

Theothertwomovedtothewall,butwatched.Thefatguynexttomesuddenlypushedthetableofftothe
sideandleftmeinachairfacingManuelandNoah.Theskinnyguypointedagunatme,thoughitwas
almostcomicalbecausetheweightofthegunseemedtobetoomuchforhimtoholdsteady.

Dellstoodinthecorner,readytointerveneifnecessary.Ishookmyheadforhimtostanddown.This

wasmyfight.

“I’malittleconfused,here.”Ilacedmyfingerstogether.“Aren’tyoutwooldfriends?”
Noahscratchedhisheadwiththetipofhis40cal.Hisgreasyhairstuckinplace.“Wewere,untilyour

brotherlosttwohundredthousandofmymoneyinonesitting.”

IturnedmyeyestoManuel,whorolledaroundonthefloor,hugginghisbloodyleg.
“Heneedstopayup.”Noahstareddownathim.
AgainIheldupmyhandsoColewouldseetostanddown.However,Iwasn’tsurehowlonghe’dlet

medothissolo.

NoahgrabbedManuelbythehairandraisedhimtohisknees.Hischeekspuffedinandoutasthepain

increased.Salivasprayedoutashecried,tryingtocoverhiswoundwithhishand.

“Mark!”Hiseyespleadedwithme,butallIcouldhearwashiscommentaboutMia.Shootthebitch.
“Should’ve known better than to trust a cop,” Noah hissed as he turned toward Manuel. “Any last

wordsbeforeyoupayyourdebt?”

Iclearedmythroat.“Ihaveone.”
Noahlookedatme,surprisedandnodoubtwonderingwhyIwasn’ttryingtostopthis.Hemotioned

formetogoon.

Iletthedarknessconsumeme.IgaveintothehorriblethoughtsIhadtriedsohardtopushaway.With

myheartpoundinglikeadruminmychest,Ikneeleddowntomybrother’slevel.

Somesaidtheeyeswerethewindowtoyoursoul.Isaidtheywerethewindowtothetruth.Something

alwaysbotheredmeaboutthedayourmotherwaskilled.Manuelsaidmyprintswereontheknife.

“Thesemightbethelastfewmomentsweeverhavetogether,brother.”Thewordstuckonmytongue.

“If you want to go out with any kind of honor, tell me the truth.” I swallowed back the pain this topic
broughtme.“DidIreallykillourmother?”

The twitch of his mouth brought all my senses to attention. “You are such an idiot. You had no idea

whatitwaslikelivinginthathouse.”Hiswordswerelikeice—noemotion,onlyemptiness.“Allyouhad
todowasgetfood,keepyourmouthshut,andgotoschool.Iwastheonewhohadtodealwiththem.”

“Them,who?”
“AllMom’sboyfriends.”Hiseyesopenedandclosedwithpain,andhisfaceandneckwerecovered

inathicklayerofsweat.“SomewantedmorethanjustMom.”Hisfistsflexed.“Theywantedmetoo.I
fought,butitdidn’tstopthem.”

“Youweren’ttheonlyone.”Iraisedmysweaterandshowedhimthedeepscar.“Ididn’tknowthey

wereafteryoutoo.”

“Ofcourseyoudidn’t,youwerealwaysrunningofftoyourotherfamily.”
“Becauseofyou!Youmademeleave,evenifitwasafuckingstorm,justtofindyoufood,orsiphon

gasfromcarssoyoucouldgetmorepot.”Ijabbedafingerathischest.“Trustme,Manuel,I’vehadmy
fairshareofpain.Wewerejustkids.Momshouldhavetakenbettercareofus.”

IlookedupatNoah.Hewaslisteningtoourexchangewithinterest.Noonemovedastheystoodback

andwatched,fascinatedasourlittledramaplayedoutaroundthem.

“Momwasawasteofspace,soItookcareofher.”Mybrother’swordspulledmeback.
Sweatbrokeoutacrossmychest.“Youkilledher?”Iwaslostforwords.Manuelwasanasshole,but

tocommitmurderwasanentirelydifferentthing.

“Yeah.”Helaughedthenwipedhismouthdry.“Ikilledher.”
Myheartdroppedintomystomach.“Youfuckingkilledourmom?ButI—”
“Ihatedyou,”hecoughed,“sofuckingmuch.Istilldo.”Hedraggedhisbodytothewallandpropped

himselfup.“Butwhat’sworsethankillingsomeone,huh,Mark?Goingdownforthemurderofsomeone
youlove,eventhatshitofamotherofours.”

“Ididn’tloveher.”Itriedtostandmygroundwhileitcrumbledbeneathme.
“Oh,Marky,”heflexedhisneck,“yes,youdid.Youdon’trememberthatday,doyou?”
“Youcamehome,pouredyourselfadrinkofKool-Aid.”Manuelsneered.“Didittastefunny?”
Thememorycamethen…

“Mom,I’mhome!”Idroppedmybookbagatthedoorandlistened.Allwasquiet.Ipouredmyselfa

glassofcherryKool-Aidfromthejugsittingonthecounter.Itsliddownmythroat.Therewasafunny
aftertastethatleftagrittyfilmovermyteeth.IguessedIshouldhavestirredit.Ipulledmyspelling
testfreefrommyfolder.IwantedtoshowherIgot100.Maybeshe’dactuallybesoberandbeproudof
me.

WhenIwentpastthelivingroom,Istoppedasastrangesmellcaughtmyattention.Slowly,Iturned

myheadandsawmymotheronthecouchwithaknifestickingoutofherstomach.

Ifroze.ThebloodattackedmysensesandIstartedtogetdizzy.
“Mom?”Icalledout,butshedidn’tmove.Mytoesdraggedalongtheshagcarpetandgotentwined

in the loose threads. “Mama, are you okay?” Everything wobbled and spun. I felt my head hit the
carpet.Astrangeringingnoisetraveledfromeartoear,bouncingaroundlikearubberballinsidea
box.

Apairofbootssteppedoverme.Noah?Hisvoicehissedatsomeonetohurry.Manuelbentdown

andshookme.Isawhim,butIcouldn’trespond.Myarmsandlegswereliketheyweren’tconnected.

“Nah,he’sout,”Noahassuredhim.“Theireyesdon’talwaysclose.”
“Fuckingcreepy.”Manuelpulledtheknifeoutofherstomachandwipeditcleanwithmyblanket.

Wilfred!Ilovedthatblanket.ItwasmyonlyfriendwhenIwashere.Heprotectedmefromalltheevil
inthishouse.Manuelwipedthehandlethenwrappedmyfingersaroundit.

Whatwashedoing?
HecarefullyjammedtheknifebackintoherandtossedWilfrednexttome.Iwantedtoreachdown

and hold him to my face. His silky edges made me calm, but now he was full of blood—my mother’s
blood.

Manuelloweredhimselftothefloorandlookeddirectlyatme.“I’veneverhatedsomeoneasmuch

asI’vehatedyou.Nowit’syourturntofeelsomepain.”

Hisfacechangedashepulledouthiscellphoneandmadeadramaticcallto911.
Iwascryingontheinside,butIcouldn’tmove.Painrippedthroughme.Itwasalltoomuch,andI

letthehurtin,letitswallowmewhole.Iletmymindgoandfellintoaseaofdarkness…

Myvisoncamebackintofocus,andmyeyeshonedinonmybrother,myownfleshandblood,knowing

hehadkilledourmother.

Somanyquestionscameatme,buttheonlyonethatmadeitoffmytonguewas,“How?”Ifoughtthe

rage.“Howcouldyoudosuchathing?Iwasseven,justakid.Wesharethesameblood.”

Heshruggedlikeweweretalkingabouttheweather.“Itwaseasy.Theycouldn’tproveanything,andI

knewtheLoganswouldgetyouthebesthotshotlawyer.”

“Wasitworthit?TohavemeblamemyselfmywholelifeforkillingMom?”
He smirked. “It was the icing on the cake. The bitch was gone, I got the trailer, and I had my all-

AmericanbrotherbailmeoutwheneverIneededit.Itwasawin-win!”

Pop!
HalfofManuel’sneckwassplatteredonthewall.Airlodgedinmythroat.Noahloweredhisgunand

watchedasManuel’sbodyslumpedtotheground.

“Now that the drama is over,” Noah pulled a rag from his breast pocket and wiped his mouth, “we

haveadebttosettle,andyou’restillshort.”

Istoodfrozen.Oddlyenough,therewasnoemotionrunningthroughme.Iwasn’tsadthatManuelwas

gone.Itwasahugerelieftoknowthetruth.Truthhasconsequences,andIguessedthiswashis.Nowthere
wasNoah.Inowknewhewaspartofmymother’smurder.Herehewas,tellingmeIhadtopayoffmy
brother’sdebttohim.Thiswastoomuch.

As these thoughts swirled in my brain, Noah’s gaze flicked around the room. “Did you know your

motherhadatattooonherpelvis?”HepattedhimselfinthatgeneralareaasIchanneledallmypaininto
anger.

Sonofabitch.
“WhenManueltoldmeofhisplantogetyoutopaybackhisdebttome,Icouldn’thelpbutplayalong.

Thebestpartformewasplayingcatandmousewithyourprettyladyfriend.”

Theskintightenedaroundmyknuckles,andIglancedatDell,wholookedjustasangry.“Sheshookas

Istoodbehindherinthedark.Icouldhearherbreathingwhenshesensedme.”Noah’seyeslitup.“You
know that feeling, where the hair on your arms stands up, your heartbeat quickens, and your brain is
almosttooscaredtoprocesswhat’sabouttohappen?”Hesmiledlikehewasvisualizingit.“Thenshe
feltme,andIcouldn’thelpmyself.Ineededtohaveher.”

Nothing registered as I hurled myself in his direction and slammed him to the wall. My forearm

crushed into his windpipe as he tried to fight me off. The skinny guy yelped as Dell knocked him
unconscious.

“Ontheground!”Cole’sboomingvoicerippedthroughmymurderousrage.Shotsstartedtofly,andI

grabbedNoah’sheadandcrushedit.Iwasn’tmeanymore.AllIsawwasMiaunderthisassholefighting
togetfree.

Isensedmovementandlookedupasthebartenderpointedashotguninmydirection,butrightbefore

hepulledthetrigger,ItwistedandletNoahtakethehit.Hisbodyjerkedattheimpact,andIstaredinto
hiseyesasthelifedrainedoutofthem.

“Goodluckontheotherside.”
Keithtookoutthebartenderbeforehecouldgetoffanymoreshots.
IdroppedNoahandglancedatmybrotheragain,stillfeelingnoremorseforhisdeath.
“Youallright?”Coleshoutedasheelbowedamanwhocamerunningintoseewhatwasgoingon.

“Wehavetogetoutofhere.Wedon’thavemuchtime.”

Dellwaveredandseemedtostumble.Wait…ohshit…
Iracedtohissideashefell.Icaughthimandloweredhimtotheconcretefloor.
“Dell?”Bloodsoakedthroughhisjacket.Irippeditopenandsawaquicklyspreadingdarkstainon

therightsideofhischest.“No!Noway,notagain!”

Keithdroppedtohisknees,rippedoffhisvestandshirt,andstartedtopackthewound.
Coleturnedandshouted,“Wehavetomove—”Hisfacedroppedwhenhesawus.“Grabhimandlet’s

go.”

“Shit.”IgrabbedDell’sarm,andKeithtooktheother,andwecarriedhimoutoftheroombetweenus.

Coleclearedourpathasweracedtowardthefrontdoor.Shotsfrombehindustoldmewedidn’thave
muchtime.“Fuck,Dell,useyourfeet.”

Ourtrainingkeptusmoving.Youforcedthepainasideuntilyouweresafe.Itwashardtodowhenit

wasoneofyourown.

Keithclosedhiseyesbrieflywhenwestoppedatacorner.Hewasplacinghisanger.Hewasbetterat

itthanIwas.

“Move,”Colewhisperedoverhisshoulder,buthewouldn’tlookatus.Wewerealltooterrifiedwe

werecarryinganothercorpse.

“Lopez,”Keithturnedtolookatme,“focusonMia.Let’sgetoutofhere.That’sitrightnow,nothing

else.”

IgaveaquicknodandremovedDell’sgunfromhiship.WeranwithKeithandDellbetweenus.
Weweremomentsfromthedoor,andthemenbehinduswerecatchingupfast.Theirfootstepswere

close,anditfueleduson.KeithwasasstrongasanoxandmadeDelllooklikeheweighedasmuchasa
ragdoll.

Wepassedsomedeadbodiespiledontopofoneanother.IrecognizedthisasColeandKeith’swork.

Wedidn’twanttogooutthesamewaywecame,sowehadtotakeadetouroutasidedoor.

AsColeburstthrough,weweregreetedbyateamofagentsandanambulance.Colemusthavecalled

thembeforetheycametogetus.

KeithranovertotheparamedicsandplacedDellonastretcher.
“Damn,dude!”Dellhissed.“Gentle.”
Keithshookhishead.“Couldn’thavespokenupbefore?”
“Thenyouwouldn’thavecarriedme.”Helaughed,butthencoughedinpain.
Colemovedtostandoverhim.“Whenyougethome,weneedtotalk.”
“Iknow.”Henoddedbeforetheparamedicswheeledhimoff.
I asked a paramedic if I could use one of the trucks to make a quick call. The truck was warm and

helped with calming my nerves. Mia’s phone went straight to voicemail again. Damn, where are you,
Mia?Withaswipethroughmycontacts,Icalledthenurse’sstationatthehospital.

“NorthDakotaHospital,thisisMolly.”Hercheeryvoicedidn’tmatchmymood.
“Hey,Molly,it’sMark—”
“Oh,myGod,Mark!Howareyou?Whyareyoucallingthisline?”
Isqueezedmyeyesshutatherchatter.“IneedtospeaktoMia.”
Therewasalongpause.
“She’snothere,Mark.ShetookajobinBoston.LeftafewdaysagowithNurseTaylor.Theywent

together.Ijusthungupfromtalkingtoher,andtheyseemtobesettlinginokay.”

What?ThankGod!SoNoahwasbluffing.Miawasn’teveninNorthDakota.Isankdownintheseat;

mybodyfeltlikeputty.

“Mark?Mark,areyoustillthere?I’msorry.Youdidn’tknow?”
“No,Ididn’t.”Irubbedmysoreneck.“Thanks,Molly.”

***

ThreeDaysLater

SavannahhadplantedatreeinthefrontyardinPaul’smemory,sincehisfamilywantedtoburyhim

backeast.Ithoughtitwasgreatidea.Itwaslikeapartofhimwasstillhere.Colehadtohelpbecausethe
groundwasmostlyfrozen,butsheinsistedondoingitnowratherthaninthespring.Shesaidweneededa
placetogotoletthepainout.

“Meow,”thekittensqueakedassheweavedthroughmylegsinthekitchen.Ibentdownandpickedup

my tiny Mexican spitfire. She took a swipe at my nose and then shoved her paw into the milk on my
Cheerios.

“DidScootputyouuptothis?”IglancedoveratScoot,whoseearwasbeingtuggedoffbyOlivia.He

lookedpissed,butIknewhedidn’tcare.Wewereallsuckersforthatlittlemonster.

Loweringthedish,IletLittleLadyhavethewholebowl.
“Well, hello, there.” Dr. Roberts stopped at the island and scooped up Lady. “What’s your nam—”

Ladyquicklybattedhisfaceandcaughthischeekwithherclaws.“Wow,youareafeistykitty.”

I wanted to see what he was going to do. To my surprise, he smiled and examined the moody,

sometimesdownrightnastycat.

“Issheyours?”Hepeeredoverhisshoulder.
“Irescuedher,butshe’snotreallymine.”Ladyswattedathisnoseagainandaddedakitten-sizedhiss.

“Shecoulduseagoodhome.”

“Lady, huh? Not quite the name I’d pick for such a feisty little devil. Poor thing. She just needs

someonewhounderstandsher,don’tyou,sweetie?Perhapsyoushouldcomehomewithme,hey?”Heset
herdownsoshecouldgobacktoeating.Butsheattackedhisshoelacesinstead.Ilaughed.Shewassucha
littleshit.MaybeshewaspissedIthoughtshewasaboyatfirst.“Hey!”Hetriedtomove,butshechased
him,latchingontohisankle.“Ouch!”heyelped.

“She’sallyours,Doc.”
“Thanks,”hemutteredandtriedtofreehimself.
“Goodluckwiththat.”Ichuckledonthewayoutofthekitchenandheadeddownthehallway.
IhadskippedtheservicetheNYPDhadforManuel.I’dnointerestinwatchingmybrotherbelaidto

rest.AsfarasIwasconcerned,thefirstsevenyearsofmylifeneverhappened.Hecouldrotinhellfor
eternity,forallIcared.

“Mark,”Colestoodinthedoorway,“Frankisdownstairsandwantstohaveawordwithyou.”
Shit.Guessit’stime.
Takingtwostepsatatime,Ihurriedtotheconferenceroom.IknockedbeforeIentered.
“Frank,” I addressed him as I stood behind a tall leather chair. “I suppose you want a detailed

summaryofwhatwentdown.”

“Yes,butitcanwait.”Hechewedontheinsideofhismouthwhilehethought.“SorryaboutPaul.He

wasagoodsoldierandagoodman.Howareyouholdingup?”

Iletoutalongbreath.“Hanginginthere.”
“Good.”Henodded.“Look,Mark,I’mamanofafewwords,soI’llcuttoit.MiaandIhavehada

roughgoforthepasttenyears.SinceshemovedtoBostonafewdaysago,wehaven’theardawordfrom
her.”Hestoppedandrubbedhischin.Heseemedlikehewasbattlingwithhimself.“Life’stooshortnot
to have the ones you love around you.” He looked over at me. “I realize now I was wrong in how I
reactedwhenIsawherhereandheardshewasdatingyou.I’vetriedhardtokeepMiaawayfromthis
world.Itmaybe2015,buttheArmyisnottheplaceforsomeoneaskindheartedasMia.She’smybaby,
alwayswillbe.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Istillseeherwithpigtailsjumpingintomyarmsandcallingme

herhero.Hurtsadad’segowhenyouseeherlookingatsomeoneelsethatway.”

ThiswasasideofFrankIneverexpectedtosee.
“Ifitcountsforanything,youhavemyblessing,Mark.”Hestoodandofferedmehishand.“You’rea

goodman,andIknowshecaresalotaboutyou.”

Ittookmeamomenttocatchup.Healwayswasdirect,andthistimewasnodifferent.
“That,ah…thatreallymeansalot,Frank.”Ishookhishand,completelyblownawaybyhishonesty.
“Right,well…”Hestartedforthedoor.“She’sworkingtoday,so…”
“Yeah,allright.”Ileanedagainstthetable.
“IwantthatreportbyMonday.”
“Willdo.”
Colecamein,butleanedbacktomakesureFrankwasgone.“Yougetrippedanewone?”
“No,”Iwasstillinshock,butcheckedmywatch,“Iactuallyjustgothisblessing.”
“What?”SavannahsquealedbehindCole.“Oh,myGod!”SheclappedLivy’shandstogether.Ismiled,

anditfeltnice.It’dbeenawhile.

“Wheredidyoucomefrom?”Colewrappedhisarmaroundhiswife’swaist.Hekissedhercheekthen

didthesametoLivy.

“I’meverywhere.”Shewinked,whichlightenedthemood.“Sowhat’snext?”
Ishrugged.“Evenifshedidtakemeback,howcoulditwork?”
Savannahbeamedatme.“Actually,we’vecomeupwithaplan.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,butfirstyouneedtogogether.”

CHAPTERTWELVE

Mia

Ihateditthere.Thestaffwasn’tnearlyasfriendlyasNorthDakota,andDr.Ricewaswaytoohands

onformyliking.Tomakemattersworse,hewasatleastafewyearsyoungerthanIwas.

Iwashappytoleavemyoldapartment,eventhoughthenewlandlord,Chris,wasnice,andheseemed

genuinely sad to see me go. Not that I really knew the man at all. He was a funny fellow. I wasn’t the
happiest in that old building anyway since my friend moved out, and after the attack in the basement, it
heldtoomanybadmemories.

MyfatherandIwereworkingonrepairingourrelationship.HedidabackgroundcheckonChris,and

hewasharmless,justabitcreepy.Regardless,Iwashappytobeawayfromhim.Ineverdidfindoutwho
lefttheantifreezeinthecourtyard,butifIweretoguess,Iwouldbetitwasthemanwhoattackedme.My
father informed me the man was working with Mark’s brother, but I didn’t need to worry about him
anymore.IpushedbackthepainthatfollowedwheneverIthoughtofanythingtodowithMark.

The only thing keeping me going was that Vikki Taylor transferred here with me, since her son was

nowgoingtoschoolhere.

Withmylegscurledunderme,IopenedmybookandsippedmycoffeewhileItunedinandoutofthe

craziness of the ER. The weathered pages of my novel made me happy. I loved this story. It was one I
alwaysfellbackonwheneverIneededtofeellove.JodiEllenMalpasstolemyheartwithJesseWard.
Whodidn’tlikeagreatlovestory?Especiallyoneyoucouldreadoverandoverandknowthiswasone
storythatwouldalwaysendthesameway—withhappiness.Wasn’tthatwhateveryonewentthroughlife
searchingfor?

They said the moment you stopped looking for love, you’d find it. I thought that was crap. I was

determinedtosticktomybookstofindlove.ThatwayIknewIcouldcry,getthereleaseIneeded,and
stillclosethecoverandfeelhappywiththeending.

“Whatareyoureading?”Dr.Ricestudiedthecover.“ThisMan?Thisman,what?”Irolledmyeyes.

Men.They’llneverunderstandtheromancebookworld.

“SomethingIcanhelpyouwith?”ItuckedmybookinmybagandpickedupmycoffeeasIstood.
“Youlookedlonely,soIthoughtI’dgrantyoumycompany.”Heraisedhiscockyarms.“I’llwalkyou

backtoyourfloor.”

Gee,thanks.Whatisitwithdoctorsalwayshittingonyou?Iguessit’sjustthattheydon’tgetoutof

thehospitalenough.

“So,Mia,youhaveanyplanstonight?”
I’m wide open, I have no life. I have only one friend here. The last week, I’ve spent every night

sobbingintomypillowovermyex.TheworstpartisIcan’tevensmellhimonitanymore!Ihateit

here,andwouldsellmysoultorewindmylifeaboutfivemonths.

“Sorry,Ihaveplans.”Lies,lies,lies.
“Tomorrow?”HestoppedmewhenIstartedtospeak.“Itwouldn’thurtforyoutomakesomefriends.

WherehaveIheardthatbefore?”

True.
“Mia,”Vikkicaughtmyattentionasshepointedbehindme,“thepatientinroom2056isaskingforhis

painmeds.Couldyoupleasehelpmeoutandadministerthemforme?”

“Sure.”Iwashappyfortheout.
“Oh,Mia?”shecalled.
“Yes?”
“Drinkstonightatthewinebar,onBarringtonStreet.”
Ibegantodeclinewhenherhandsmovedtoherhips.“Soundsgood.”Isupposeditcouldn’thurt.
Therestofmyshiftcrawledbyatasnail’space.Myhandsactedindependentlyfrommymind,which

wanderedbackoverthingsIcouldn’tchange,onlybringingmemoreheartache.Aftermyshift,Ichanged,
closedmylocker,andheadedoutside.Idecidedtostoponthewayhometobuyabottleofwine.Imight
needabitofbuzztogetthroughtonight.

MyplacewascoldandemptywhenIreturnedhome.MyonlyjoywasseeingButtersstretchedouton

thecouch.“Well,atleastyou’recomfy.”Ichuckledathim,andhebarelymovedexceptforhisthumping
tail.IwassothankfulEdwasfinewithmebringingButterswithme.IthoughthewasmorethankfulthanI
was;Edwasn’treallyadogperson.

“Hi,buddy.”Ikissedhishead.“Canyouhelpmepickoutsomethingtowear?”
Threeoutfitslater,Idecidedtogowithsomethingprettyversussexy.Ididn’tknowanyone,anyway,

anddidn’twanttomakethewrongimpression.Iranmyfingersoverapurplelong-sleevedlacedress.It
stoppedabovetheknee,andmybootsstoppedjustbelowtheknee.Itseemedlikeagoodchoice.Myhair
hunglong,andIcurleditattheendsforanextrabounce.Ilookedallrightontheoutside.IonlywishedI
feltallrightinside.

BeforeIcouldopenthatwound,mybuzzerrangtoletmeknowthetaxiwashere.Weavingthroughmy

unopenedboxesofcrap,Ihurrieddownthestairsandgavethecabbietheaddress.Theskywasblack,
withangrycloudswhippingbyatagoodpace.Musthavebeenwindyupthere.Itbroughtmecomfort.I
couldrelatetotheweathertonight.Itseemedtoreflectwhatwasbrewinginsideofme.

“LowerDeck,please.”Ileanedbackandfoughttheheavysmellofthecolognethecabbiemusthave

bathedin.Whydidmenwearit?Bodysoapsmelledmuchbetter.

Thebarwasbusy,butIfoundourtableeasily.VikkiwasonthephonewhenIarrived.Shewavedme

overtoanopenchairandhandedmeabeer.

“Youlookgreat.”Sheglanceddownathersweaterandlaughed.“Ilostmyfashionflareatforty-five.”
“Ithinkyoulooklovely.”Itappedherbottletomine.MystomachnearlyrolledwhenIsawDr.Rice

comingtowardus.

“Huh!”shesnorted.“Youknow,IsawhimoutsideofthehospitalonedayandcalledhimMr.Rice,

andhecorrectedme.”Sherolledhereyes.“Igetitthatyouworkeddamnhardtousethetitle‘doctor,’but
youdon’thavetobeadickaboutit.”

Ilaughed.Shewasright;thatwasalittledicky.
“Comeon.”Shetookmyhandandledmeoutonthedancefloor,wherewe—andImeantonlythetwo

ofus—dancedtoHeyBabybyBruceChannel.IthinkImayhavefalleninlovewiththisplace.Atleast
theyhavegoodtasteinmusic.

Thesongended,butVikkireachedformyarmtoholdmeinplace.“Gowithyourheart.”
“What?Whatdoesthat—?”
She pointed, and I started to move but jerked back in place. She nodded at Mark, and he returned it

withasmile.

Musicstartedtoplaysoftly.Ittookmeamomenttorecognizethevoicesingingthesong.Shesangina

bluesy,soulfulvoice,andfromthefirstword,hertonemademewanttoweep.

Savannahsatbehindthebrownpiano,hereyesclosed,playing“Can’tHelpFallingInLove.”
“Whatonearth…”Icouldn’teventhinkstraight.Marksteppedforward,askingformyhand,andwith

aconfusedstepforward,Iacceptedit.Hiswarmhandinstantlymademethinkofbeingathome.Hisfree
armslippedaroundmybackandheldmeclose.

WheredoIlook?AmItoostiff?Athousandthingsranthroughmymind,butmostofall—whywashe

here?Iwentoverthingsinmyminduntilhislipstouchedmyear.Heletoutapainfulsigh,andthatwasit.

Everything just gave…nothing left to hold me up except his arms. My body sagged against his, my

cheekpressedtohischest,andweswayed.

He started to sing about falling in love. His voice had a slight hitch to it, but there was a thread of

confidencethatmadeitincrediblypowerful.

Iknewhefeltmyhesitation.Istartedtopullaway,butheheldmeinplace.Hislipsmovedtotheshell

of my ear. “You were the first girl I opened up to and told my secrets. After you, when I did wake up
alone,Ididn’tmessupthesheetsinthemorningbecauseIwasn’talone.Ihadyou.”Henuzzledmyhair.
“Iunderstandnowwhyyoudidn’ttellme.Youwereright;Iwouldn’thaveletmyguarddownwithyou.
Whichwouldhavebeenashame,becauseIwouldn’thavefallensosoulcrushinglyhardforyou.”

Ipressedoffhischestandlookedintothosedeep,darkeyesthatdaredmetodoubthim.Evenhisjaw

showedconfidence,butIcouldseethevulnerabilitybehindhissmile.

“I’msorryforwhatIsaid.Ilashedoutinanger,andtherewasstillapartofmethatwasupsetyou

pickedKennyoveryourownlife,butthatwasbecauseIcaredalotaboutyou.Kennywasn’ttheonein
danger,butyouwere.”Hegaveaslightshrug.“Heartwonoversensitivity.”

Ihadtolookawayandtakeaminute.Ispentthelasthowmanynightsthinkinghehatedme?ThatIwas

thelastpersononhismind.ThatIwasonlytheafterthoughtofsomethingunpleasant.

“Itookcareofmyproblem,butIlostagoodfriendalongtheway.”Inodded.NurseTaylortoldme

aboutPaul.Iwassosad;Icouldonlyimaginewhatthehousewentthrough.“Ican’tloseyoutoo,Mia.”

Ilickedmylips.“Inevermeanttohurtyou,Mark,butifit’sworthanything,Ifeltthepainofmyliethe

momentafterItoldit,andthatpainneverleftme.”

“Don’t.It’snotworthit,becausethebottomlineisitshowedmehowmuchIaminlovewithyou.”He

blinked like he hadn’t realized what he had said. Then a lazy smile stole across his lips and up to the
cornersofhiseyes.“Ihaveabitofatemperwhenitcomestoyou,butdamn,Mia,Iamsoinlovewith
you.”

IthrewoffhisrhythmwhenIdroppedhishandandleaneduponmytippy-toestopressmylipstohis.

Bothhisarmswrappedaroundmybackandheldmeclose.Histonguecurledaroundminetodeepenhis
kiss.

“Iloveyoutoo,Mark.”

***

ThreeMonthsLater

Mark

“Whereishegoing?”Isippedmycoffee.Keithwalkeddowntothedockafterhereceivedaphone

call.

“Idon’tknow.”Danielgavemeahopefullook.
IknewhethoughtKeithhadagirl,andmaybethatwasit,butsomethingstilldidn’tfeelright.Itfeltoff.
Butters went running after him with a huge stick in his mouth. He jumped and barked until Keith

chuckeditdownthesandthatfollowedthelake,thenwentrunningafterit.

Surprisingly,ScoothadacceptedButtersinthehouseasapart-timevisitor.Althoughnotbeforethey

foughtoverthebedSavannahhadgivenScootlastChristmas.IendeduphavingtobuyButtershisown
bed, only to have Scoot want that one more than his own. Spoiled furball. At least they had finally
declaredatruce,andButterspatientlywaitedforScoottochooseonebedbeforehewouldsettleinthe
onenotchosen.

DellnoddedasheheadedtowardhisJeep.Hehadonemoremonthatthepeakbeforehe’dreturnto

his normal post. I shivered at the thought of my last experience there. As much fun as it was having
Savannahplaypaintball,Iwouldn’tbevolunteeringherforanythingelse.

ColemovedinmylineofvisionashewhistledtogetKeith’sattention.Keithquicklyendedhiscall

andjoggedbackupthelawnwithButtershardonhisheels.

Coleclosedthedoorbehindhim.“Housemeeting,threeminutes,diningroomtable.”
IshruggedatDanielaswetookaseatafewminuteslater.
Onceeveryonegathered,Coleplacedthreeboxesinfrontofus.
“IwasgoingtogivethemoutatChristmas,butIdecidedtowait.”Heslidablack,shinyboxoverto

KeithandonetoJohn.TheyeachopenedtheirsandgrinnedattheirnewBlackstonewatches.“Tracking
devicesinsideareundetectable.Afterwhatwentdownwithme,Ithinkit’simperativewewearthem.”

“Thankyou.”Keithputhisonimmediately.IlookedoveratJohn,whowaslookingattheextrabox—

Paul’sbox.

“Now,”Colelookedaroundtheroom,“noonewantstoadmithowmuchthey’rehurtingrightnow,but

thebestthingwecandoforPaulistomoveforward.Movingforwarddoesn’tmeanwewilleverforget.”
Heglancedatmebeforehewenton.“Ihavereallythoughtaboutthis,andIknowhisseatisstillwarm,
butwehavealotoftripscomingup,andweneedourteamtobefull.So,”hepickedupthebox,“theman
who will be filling Paul’s very large shoes is…” The sadness was mixed with a little excitement,
somethingthehousereallyneededrightnow.Coleleaneddownandslidtheboxrightintoahandcovered
inredandblackswirls.

Theroomwentsilentashepickeditupandadmiredthebox.
Johnleanedoverthetableandreachedhishandoutforashake.“WelcometoBlackstone,Mike.”
“Thankyou,John.”MikeletoutalongsighbeforeDanielstartedtocheerandliftedthemoodbackup.

Hehadalottoliveupto.

“Let’shaveadrink.”Dellshiftedhisarminhissling.“LordknowsIneedone!”
Astheplacestartedtoroarwithhappylaughter,Imovedtothewindowwhereasetofheadlightswas

movingacrossthefrostypattern.

Mikejoinedme,interestedtoseewhatIwaslookingat.Ipointedtothedoorwithmymug.“Hereshe

comes.”

I had convinced Mia to move to Montana. We found her an apartment three blocks from Daniel and

Sue’s,andoneblockfromhernewjobattheRedStoneMedicalCenter.Itwasperfect.Igottoseeher
wheneverIwanted,andsheseemedhappythatshewasabletospendtimewithherfathermoreoften.It
wasnicetoseethemgettingalongbetter.

Cole gave her clearance to the house, but we couldn’t bend any more rules to have her live there.

Everythingworkedoutforthebest.SheandIagreedtotakethingsonedayatatime.Afterall,wehadn’t
evenknowneachotherforayearyet.Shesaidshewaslookingforwardtogoingoutondatenightssoshe
couldcheckoutmydancemoves.Ladieslovedmymoves.

“Hey,you.”Shetuggedherscarffreeandhookeditoverthewoodenpegintheentryway.“Howwas

yourday?”

“Betternow.”Ikissedherfrozennoseandwrappedherinmywarmth.SheknewIlovedher,thoughI

hadn’tsaiditsinceBoston.Ijustwantedtoholdontoherwithallmystrengthandneverletgo,nomatter
whatlifethrewatus.

“Mmm,”herchestvibratedagainstmine,“Ineededthis.”
“Hungry?”Shenoddedbutdidn’tletgo.Ididn’tletgoeither.
“Oh,great!”Savannahbrokeourmoment.“Mia,Ihavesuchastoryforyou!”ShetookMia’shandand

draggedherintothekitchen.

Mialookedoverhershoulderandcastmeasmilethatnearlyknockedmeoffmyfeet.Wow…Iwasso

lucky.

After all I’d been through in life, I refused to look back, and I wouldn’t hold back. I knew that no

matterwhat,Ihadtheperfectwoman.Onewhohelpedmechasethedemonsfrommypast,andonewhoI
knew would stand solidly with me in the future. I could truly hold my head high with honor. I knew,
becauseIwasfinallyfreeofanydoubtthatIwasagoodandhonorableman.

TheEnd

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ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

J.L.DrakewasbornandraisedinNovaScotia,Canada,latermovingtoSouthernCaliforniawhere

shenowliveswithherhusbandandtwochildren.

Whensheisnotwritingshelovestospendtimewithherfamily,travellingorjustenjoyinganightat

home. One thing you might notice in her books is her love of the four seasons. Growing up on the east
coastofCanadathechangeintheseasonsisinherbloodandisoftenmentionedinherwriting.

AnavidreaderofJamesPatterson,J.L.Drakehasoftenfoundherselfinspiredbyhismanystoriesof

mysteryandintrigue.Shehopesyouwillenjoyherbooksasmuchasshehasenjoyedwritingthem.

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