Contents

TWO

THREE

DIRTY

Allrightsreserved.

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyform

orbyanymeans,includingphotocopying,recording,orotherelectronicormechanical

methods,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionoftheauthor,exceptinthecaseofbrief

quotationsembodiedincriticalreviewsandcertainothernoncommercialusespermitted

bycopyrightlaw.Forpermissionrequests,writetotheauthor,addressed“Attention:

PermissionsCoordinator,”atcallie@calliehart.com

Thisisaworkoffiction.Anyresemblancetopeopleseitherlivingordeceasedis

purelycoincidental.Names,placesandcharactersarefigmentsoftheauthor’s

imagination,or,ifreal,usedfictitiously.Theauthorrecognisesthetrademarksand

copyrightsofallregisteredproductsandworksmentionedwithinthiswork.

ONE

LIBERTYFIELDS

SERA

“Ma’am,Idon’tgiveafuckwhatyourGPSistellingyoutodo.Theroad’sclosed.We
havepowerlinesdownalloverthegoddamnplaceandwateruptoournecks.Nowturn
aroundgobackthewayyoucamebeforeIhaveyourcartowed.”

Themanwearingthehighvisibilityvest,leaninginthroughthewindowofmyrental,

lookedlikehewasabouttoburstabloodvessel.HisnamewasOfficerGrunstadt,and
he’deatencurryfordinner;Iknewthisbecausehe’dbeenblastingmewithhisspicy
breathwhileI’dbeenarguingwithhimaboutthestateoftheroadupaheadforthelastten
minutes.Thetwitchinhislefteyewasarecentdisplayofhisfrustration.Therainhad
foggeduphisglasses,andlarge,fatwaterdropletscourseddownhisfaceashe,once
again,pointedbackinthedirectionI’djustcomefrom.“LibertyFieldsisonlythirtymiles
away.Therearetwomotelsthereandabedandbreakfast,thoughIthinkthebedand
breakfastwasalreadyfullybookedthelastIheard.Youcanfigureoutwhatyouwantto
dotomorrow,oncethestorm’sdieddown.”

“Ican’tgobacktoLibertyFields.IhavetogettoFairhope,Alabama,intwodays,or

I’mgoingtomissmysister’swedding.”

“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou,sweetheart.Catchaflight.”

“EveryflightoutofRawlinsandLaramiearecancelleduntilfurthernotice.Ineedto

keepdriving,officer.Youhavetounderstand,I—”

“Idounderstand,miss.Iunderstandperfectlywell.You’reaprettyyoungmillennial

withabadcaseof‘Ialwaysgetmyway.’You’renotusedtobebeingtoldno,andyou
wantmetobreaktherules.Unfortunately,Ihaveatwenty-oneyearolddaughter,andI’m
usedtoallthis…”Hereachesouthishand,gesturingatmyface,“…nonsense,”he
finishes.

Asshole.Rude,smalltownpunkasshole.“Firstly,sir,pleasedonotgesticulateinmy

generaldirectionlikeI’mapieceoftrashyoufoundatthesideoftheroad.Secondly,Iam
notamillennial.I’mtwenty-eightyearsold.I’masuccessfulbusinessowner.Thereason
whyI’msuccessfulisbecauseI’veworkedmyassoff,notbecauseI’vepouted,sulked,or
convincedanyonetobreakrulesforme.Iknowthestorm’sbad,butthewindsarecalming
down,andWazedoessaytheroadisopenandclearjustanothermileupahead.Youhave
noideawhatstressesI’mdealingwith,ortheconsequencesI’llhavetofaceifIdon’t

makeittothisweddingontime.Sojustletmethroughthedamnblockade.”

OfficerGrunstadtgavemeatight-lippedsmileandpointedthroughmycar,outthe

passengerwindow,totheothersideoftheroad,whereanoverweightguyinayellow
plasticrainjacketwaseatingasoddenSubwayfoot-long.“SeeJooverthere?Jogetsfour
hundreddollarsfromthestatetotowcars.That’swhyhecomesandstandsouthereon
nightsliketonight,comehellorhighwater.IfIwaveJooverhere,it’sgon’costyaan
extratwo-fiftyontopofthatfourhundredtogetyourcarouttahislot,andthat’safterthe
twenty-fourhourholdingtimeisup.So,Miss…?”

“Lafferty,”Isaid,sighingheavily.

“So,MissLafferty.Issittinghere,arguingwithmeworthsixhundredandfiftydollars

toyou?Orwouldyouratherjustturnback,getdry,getagoodnight’ssleep,andhopethe
fallenpowerlineshavebeendealtwithbythetimeyouwakeup?”

God,thisguywasarealpieceofwork.Iforgedasmile,diggingmyfingernailsinto

therental’ssteeringwheel,beggingmyselfnottosayanythingthatwouldgetmeinto
trouble.Ithadhappenedbefore.“You’reright,OfficerGrunstadt.Anightinashittymotel
doessoundperfectrightnow.Thankssomuchforyourassistance.”

TheroadbacktoLibertyFieldswasnarrowandwinding,turningbackonitselfa

hundredtimesbeforeIevensawanothercar.Thewholeworldseemeddeserted.I’dtried
toconvinceGrunstadtthewindwasdyingdownalittle,butthetruthwasitbuffetedand
rockedthecarlikecrazyasIdrovethroughthehammeringrain;Ihadtofocustokeepthe
thingfromcareeningofftheroadandintothedarklineoftreesthatborderedeithersideof
thesingle-lanehighway.

“ShouldneverhaveleftSeattle,”Igrumbledtomyself.“Shouldhavejuststayed

homeandwatchedSharkTank,forfuck’ssake.Wyomingistheworst.”

MysisterandIhadalwayswantedtoroadtripacrosscountry.Sixsmith,myfather,

hadforbiddenusfromdoingit,whichmadesense.Sixsmithhadn’twantedusdrivingoff,
becausehe’dknownfullwellwe’dneverhavecomeback.Hewouldhavehadnooneto
tortureandmanipulate.He’dhavehadnoonetocookhismealsandcleanhishouse.He’d
havehadnoonetobeatonwhenhecamehomedrunkandbored.

SoI’dwaited.I’dwaiteduntilAmywaseighteen,alegaladult,beforeI’dpackedup

ourbags,stoleSixsmith’sredChevroletBeretta,andgotusboththefuckoutof
Montmorenci,SouthCarolina,forgood.We’dworkedinbarsandastempsinoffices,
scrapingenoughmoneytogethertogotocommunitycollege.Amyhadstudiedlanguages,
andI’dstudiedbusinessmanagement.Oncewe’dcompletedourdegrees,unbelievably,
AmyhadmovedouttoSouthCarolinawithherboyfriend,Ben,andI’drelocatedto
Seattlewithdreamsofcreatingmyownconsultingfirm.Ithadn’tbeeneasy.There’dbeen
manymonthswhenIcouldn’tmakerent,andmanymonthswhenI’dthoughtaboutgiving
itallup,becomingawaitress,andlivingfrompaychecktopaycheck.I’dthoughtabout
thatalot,butI’dstayedthecourse.Mypersistencehadfinallypaidoffsixyearsago,
whenI’dlandedahugecorporateaccountwithaprivatelender.Afterthat,I’dhadmore
clientsthanIknewwhattodowith.I’dhadtotakeonthreenewmembersofstaffjustto

covertheworkload.

MyH.R.department—namelyaperma-harrassedwomaninherlatefortiescalled

Sandra—hadinsistedItaketimeofftodrivetoAmy’swedding.IfonlyIcouldwrapmy
handsaroundSandra’sneckrightnow,I’dthrottleher.Itwouldhavetakensixhourstofly
toAlabama.MaybeacoupleofhoursinacarontopofthattoreachFairhope.Butnow,
hereIwas,afterthreedaysontheroad,stuckinthemiddleofthebiggestflashflooding
thestateofWyominghadeverwitnessed,insteadofbeingtuckedup,comfortableand
warminafancyhotel.

Goddamnit.

AsIpulledupoutsidetheLibertyFieldsGuestHouseandArtisanArtGallery,I

mournedthefactthattheplacecertainlydidnotappeartobeafancyhotel.Fatlotofgood
myHiltonRewardspointsweregoingtodomeouthere.Theguesthouselookedlikea
derelict,abandonedfarmhouse,perchedonthesideofthehighwayembankmentasI
pulledintothepackedparking.MyteethrattledtogetherasItraveledoveraseriesofgiant
potholes,invisibleinthenearperfectdarkness,andIsworecolorfullyundermybreath.I
didn’twanttobehere.Ididn’twanttobedealingwithanyofthis.Itdidn’tseemtomatter
whatIwanted,though.ThecarrockedfromsidetosideasIslidmyarmsintomythick
winterjacket,preparingmyselftofacetheweather.Throughthewindshield,thetreeson
theothersideoftheparkinglotwerebowed,theirbrancheswavinglikeoutstretchedarms,
reachingforhelp.God,itlookedfuckingmiserableoutthere.

Openingthecardoor,Iswungmylegsout,andmyfeetdisappeareduptomyankles

infrigid,inkyblackwater.“Ffffffff—”Istoppedmyselffromswearing.Thisnightjust
couldn’tgetanybetter.Seriously.

ThereweresomanycarsparkedhaphazardlyinthelotthatIhadtowalkasolid

hundredandfiftyfeettoreachthedimlylitentrancetotheguesthouse.Therainseemedto
comedownharderasIhalfrantowardthebuilding,myteethgrindingtogether.Ihadno
idearaincouldactuallybethiscold.Shit,Ineededtogetinside.Ineededtogetinside.
Therust-fleckedhandleonthefrontdoorofthemotelthreatenedtofallofinmyhandasI
yankedonit.AblastofheathitmeinthefaceasIhurriedthroughtheentranceway,and
strainsofJonnyCash’s‘IWalkTheLine’floodedmyears.Thelefthandsideofthelobby
wallwasfittedoutwithastand—thesamekindofstandyou’dfindinanynormalhotel,
wherelocalbusinessesandtouristattractionsadvertisethemselves—buttheslotsonthis
standwereallnotably,depressinglyempty.LibertyFieldswasablackholeinthecenterof
theStateofWyoming,zipcode:nowhere.

Themotellobbysmelledlikedampandmildew.ApuddlethesizeofLakeMichigan

hadcollectedinfrontofthericketylookingfrontdesk;itwasimpossibletoavoidthevast
bodyofwaterasImademywaytothecountertoringthebrassbell.Notthatitmattered,
ofcourse.Myfeetwerealreadysoakingwet,rightalongwiththerestofme.Ihitthetop
ofthebellforservice,andnothinghappened.Nosound.Nocheerful,inviting,I-need-help
chime.Nothing.

“Forfuck’ssake.”Ilookedaround,searchingforthenightmanager,butnoonewasto

beseen.Ileanedoverthecounter,hunting,hopingandprayingforasaviortocomealong
andtellmetheyhadsecret,exclusiveretreatoutbackthatIhadn’tnoticedonmywayin,
butallIfoundwerestacksofrottingnewspapers,ametaldogbowlwithfoodencrusted
arounditsrim,andamousetrapbuttedupagainstthewall.Veryencouragingindeed.

Ontheothersideofthelobby,Ispiedapublicpayphone.Pullingahandfulofquarters

outofmyjeanspocket,ItookadvantageoftheopportunityandIcalledAmy.

“God,Sera.It’snearlytwointhemorning,”shegroanedwhenshepickedup.

“Iknow,Iknow,I’msorry.Ijust—fuck—I’mstillstuckinthemiddleofnowhere.I

haveanothertwenty-fourhourstodrive,anditlooksliketomorrow’sgoingtobea
completewashout.Idon’tknowifI’mgoingtomakeit.”Inmyexperience,itwasbetter
toriptheBand-Aidoffasquicklyaspossible,especiallywithAmy.Shewashardlyano-
nonsensewoman,butifyoustrungthingsoutwithher,shetendedtogetalittle
hysterical.

“Whatdoyoumean,youdon’tknowifyou’regoingtomake?”Hervoicewasalittle

groggywhenshepickedupasecondago,butnowitwassharpwithaccusationand
worry.

“There’sahugestorm,Amy.Theroadsareallclosed.I’mstrandedinLibertyFields.”

“LibertyFields?WherethefuckisLibertyFields?”

“I—god,Idon’tknow.Itsucks,though.Icantellyouthatmuch.”

Behindme,theguesthousedoorchimed,andaloudgroandrownedoutJohnnyCash

forasecond.Iglancedovermyshoulder,hopefulthatitwasthenightmanagerentering
thebuilding,butwhenIsawtheguywhostoopedthroughthedoorwaytoentertheplace,
Iimmediatelyknowhedidn’tworkhere.

Acreaturelikethatsimplydidn’texistinaplacelikethis.Tall.Squarejaw,linedwith

aswatheofblackstubble.Bright,intelligenteyes—sodamnpale,likequicksilver—
traveledovermeasthenewcomertookinthelobby.Theblacksuitcaseinhishand
appearedtobedesigner.Definitelynotsomethinganightmanagerwouldbecarrying
aroundwithhim.HelookedlikeacharacterrightoutofReservoirDogs.Oureyesmet,
andtherewasabsolutelynothing.Nogreetingsmilefromafellow,wearytraveller.No
reliefatfindingsomeoneelsewaitinginthelobby.Absolutelynoflickerofemotion
whatsoever.

“Sera.Youdoknowwhat’llhappentoyouifyou’renothereonSaturday,right?Iwill

disownyouandneverspeaktoyouagain.”Amy’svoicerattleddownthephone.Iturned
backaround,pressingthereceiverharderagainstmyear.

“Yes,yes.Disowning.Eternalsilence.I’lldoeverythinginmypowertomakeit,I

promise.”

“Don’tpromisemeyou’regoingtotry!Promisemeyou’regoingtobehere!”

“Okay!Ipromise.IfIhavetogetupintwohoursandbreakthroughtheroadcordons,

I’llmakesureIgetthere.How’sBen?”

“Idon’tknow.Drunk?”Amysaidpathetically.“Whohastheirbachelorpartytwo

nightsbeforethewedding?”

“Hmm.I’msurehe’sfine,”Ireplied.Iwasn’treallypayingattention,though.Theguy

who’djustenteredtheguesthousewasstandingatthefrontdesk,andhewasabouttoring
thebell.

“Itdoesn’twork,”Itoldhim.

Hisbackwastome;hedidn’tturnaround.

“Sera,wecanpushtheceremonybacktolaterintheafternoon,butthat’sit.The

weather’snotgoingtoholdintotheevening.Wehavetomakesurewe’reinsidebyfive.”

“Iknow.”Ipinchedmybrows,tryingnottogroan.“Everythingwillbeperfect.Please

don’tstress.”

Irecognizedthemanicedgetomysister’svoice.Theveininhertemplewouldbe

visiblypulsingrightnow.“Oh,okay.Mymaidofhonor’stellingmeshemightnotmake
mywedding,butIshouldn’tgetstressed.I’lljuststartpoppingthoseValiumBen’sdad
pre—”Thelinecrackled,andIcouldn’thearAmyanymore.Staticfloodeddowntheline.

“Amy?Hey,Aim?”Nothing.Thestaticgrewlouder,roaring,drowningoutthe

thunderousrainhammeringagainstthelobbywindows.Ipressedmyforeheadagainstthe
sideofthepayphone,slowlyclosingmyeyes.Perfect.Shewasgone.Nosurprise,with
theweatherbeingwhatitwas.Imusthaveseenfourorfivedownedtelephonepoleson
thewayintoLibertyFields.ItwasamiracleI’devenmanagedtomakethecallinthefirst
place.God…

Shewasgoingtobefreakingoutsohard.

Iturnedawayfromthepayphone,restingmybackagainstthewall.Theguywiththe

suitcasehadmovedawayfromthefrontdeskandwasstabbingathiscelllikehewas
tryingtoforceitintocooperatingbysheerforceofwillalone.“Goodluck,”Imuttered
undermybreath.“IhadserviceuntilIturnedaroundonthehighway,then…poof!Gone.”

Theguyglancedatmesideways,andonceagainIwasstartledbytheintensityofhis

paleblue,silveryeyes.Hismouthliftedupatthecornerintohalfacausticsmile.“You
don’tsay?”Hisvoicewasthesnarlofachainsaw:rumbling,lowandraw.He’dprobably
smokedapackadayforfifteenyearstogetavoicelikethat.

IfIhadn’talreadybeenfrozensolid,Iwouldhavemeltedfromthewaveofheatthat

explodedacrossmycheeks.TurnedoutMr.Black(asI’dnamedhiminmyhead)wasn’t
sofriendly.Heslidhisphoneintohispocket,straightenedhisspine,allowedhisheadto
tipback,andthencrackedhisneck.

Helookedlikehewasabouttosaysomethingelse,thenapparentlythoughtbetterof

it.Herubbedhishandthroughhisdark,wethair,sendingashowerofwaterdropletsup
intotheair.Hewasdressedhead-to-heelinblack,nothingtoooutthereorostentatious,
butitwascleartheplainshirtandtheplainpantswerebrandname.Hisshirtwassoaked
attheshoulders,andhisleathershoesweresplatteredwithmud,butotherthanthathewas

verywellturnedout.Hisfacialstubblewasn’tduetoneglect.Itwastheperfectlength—
nottoolong,andnottooshort.Hisneckandhisthroatweretrimmedneatly,too,showing
thatheobviouslytookcareofhisscruffonadailybasis.

Themeninmylineofbusinesswerealittlemoreshowywiththeirwealth,their

clothing,andtheirpersonalhygiene.Acoupleoftheguysatthelawfirmoppositemy
officeshadevenstartedwearingmakeup,believeitornot.Icertainlyhadnotbelievedit
whenSandratoldmeshe’dfoundaguytouchinguphiseyelinerintheelevatormirrorone
morning.Ithadtakenseeingtheexactsameguy,doingtheexactsamething,acoupleof
weekslaterfortheideatoreallytakerootinmymind.

Mr.Blackdefinitelywasn’twearinganyeyeliner.Hiseyelashesweredarkenough

already,inkyagainstthepalenessofhisskin.Perfect,really.Thekindofeyelashesa
womanwouldlynchasalesrepatSephorafor.Iquicklyglancedawaywhenheturnedto
faceme.Hadhenoticedmelooking?Fuck,Ihopednot.Thatreallywouldhavebeenthe
perfectwaytoendanalreadyshittyday:bustedcheckingoutaparticularlycold,frosty
characterinacrappymotellobby.

“You’reinthedoghouse,then,”theguysaid.Onceagain,hisunique,devastatingly

deepvoicecausedarelayofelectricitytorunupanddownmyspine,lightingupmynerve
endings.

“Ibegyourpardon?”

Hepointedanaccusatoryfingeratthepayphone.

“Oh.Oh,right.Yeah.Mysister.Herbigday’stomorrow.”

“Andyou’restrandedinthemiddleofnowhere,inthemiddleofagiantrainstorm.”

“Yeah.Badluck,Iknow.”

Heshrugged,scratchingathisjaw.“Orbadplanning.”

I’dbeentoldinthepastthatmydeathstarecouldliterallyeviscerateamanattwenty

yards.Mr.Blackdidn’twitheranddieundertheweightofmycoldlook,though.If
anything,heseemedtobeenjoyingtheattention.Ibuttonedmylip,choosingtoignorehis
barb.Yeah,sure,Icouldhavemadebetterarrangements.Icouldhavecheckedtheweather
aheadoftime.Icouldhaveusedcommonsenseandcaughtagoddamnplane,andyada
yadayada.JustbecausehewasrightandIdidlandmyselfinthisparticularpredicament
throughmyownlackofforesight,didn’tmeanhegottochidemelikeIwasacomplete
moron.ButIcouldtakethehighroad.Icouldbethebiggerpersonandnotsinkto
bickeringwithastranger.

“You’reupset,”heoffered.

Iflaredmynostrils,exhalingslowlydownmynose.“I’mfine.Ijustwanttogeta

room,getsomesleep,andgetoutofthisshithole.Justlikeyou,I’msure.”

Mr.Blacklaughedsilently,proppinghisblacksuitcaseupagainstthethreadbare,

heavilystainedcouchthathadbeenpositionedbeneaththelargepicturewindowsbythe
frontdoor.

“Notatall.Iplanthingsverywell,”heinformedme.“I’mrightwhereIneedtobe.”

“Youcamehereonpurpose?”

Iwasmetwithstonysilenceandaflat,indecipherablestare.“LibertyFieldsisan

historicallandmark.Whynot?”

I’dbeenoutofthehabitofrollingmyeyesforwelloveradecade,butIfeltprompted

togiveceilingtilesaonceoverinthisinstance.Thisguywassomethingelse.Hewas
baitingme,beingdifficultonpurpose,anditdidn’tlooklikehewasgoingtoquitanytime
soon.“Allright,buddy.Well,IhopeyouhaveastellarHicksvillevacation.”

“I’mhereforwork,actually.”

Ifthisconversationhadbeenatextmessage,I’dhavegivenhimthebigbluethumbs

upbynow.Beingpassiveaggressivewasanuancedart,andfareasierviaemoji,
especiallywhenyoudidn’tactuallywanttostartafightwithsomeone.Mr.Blackdidn’t
seemtocarethathewasbeingkindofhostile,though,sowhythehellshouldI?“Letme
guess.Playinginanemo80’scoverband?Vampirecovengathering?Tarantinocos-play
convention?”

Mr.Black’ssmilewascoolandunruffled,thoughheseemedtobespittingsparksof

icefromeyes.Hisiriseswerethecolorofwinter.Thecolorofearlymorningskiesin
February.Theyremindedmeofbeingvery,verysmall.Smokeonmybreathandstiff,
unresponsivefingers.Stompingmythickrubbersoledbootsagainsthard-packedsnow,
tryingtoregainfeelinginmytoes.

Itwasamazinghowvisualorauditorycuesaffectedmesometimes.Icouldbewaiting

inlinetobuypopcornatthemovies,andthenthenextsecondIwasbeingdragged
backwardthroughtime,tofifteenyearsearlier,whenmyveryfirstboyfriendtriedtomake
metouchhisdickinthebackofhispick-uptruck.

EverytimeIsawtheoceaninpersonorevenonTV,Iimmediatelysmelledthe

peachy,light,fragrantscentofmymother’sperfume,insteadofthebriny,saltysharpness
ofthewater.Mymindplayedtricksonmeallthetime.

“I’mahitman.Itookajobhereintown,”Mr.Blacksaidnonchalantly.Heducked

down,unzippinghissuitcase,andpulledoutaniPad,whichheturnedon.Thewhiteflare
ofthescreenasitpoweredupbrieflylituphisfacebeforeitdimmed.Ijabbedmy
fingernailintotherubberyseamthatrandownthesideofthepublicpayphone,
consideringhislaststatement.

“Ihearitpayswell.Beingahitman.”

“Itdoes.”Hewasdistracted,notreallypayingattention.

“So,yourolluponadarkandstormynight.Yousecureabaseforyourself.Thenyou

sneakacrosstownwhiletheplaceisinchaos,andyou…”Imadeagunoutofmyhand,
pretendingtotakeaim,“…pullthetrigger.”

“Prettymuch.Somethinglikethat.Though,I’mgoingtowaituntilmorning.Roads

aren’tsaferightnow.Wouldn’twanttoendupbeingresponsibleforanaccidentor

something.”

Thatmademesnort.“Soyou’regoingtokillsomeone,butheavenforbidyoucause

anaccidentwhileyou’reatit.”

“IfI’mgonnakillsomeone,it’sbecauseI’mbeingpaidtodoit.Notbecausetheroads

aretreacherousandIcan’tcontrolmyvehicle.”

Wow.Thisguywasgood.Hedidn’tevenflinchashespokeofmurder.Mostpeople

wouldn’thavebeenabletokeepupthepretense.Theywouldhavelaughed,orwinked,or
pulledaface,butnotthisguy.Heliedasifhewasspeakingthetruth.Lookedlikehe
believeditonehundredpercent.

Thelobbyentrywayopened,andablastofwindhowledthroughthedoor,peltingthe

couchandthesmall,peelingveneercoffeetablewithrainwater.Ashort,rotund,sour
lookingmanwearingacheap,plasticwaterproofponchobustledinside,swayingalittleas
hefoughttogetthedoorclosedbehindhim.Mr.Blackdidn’thelphim,butthenneither
didI.Webothjustwatchedasthestrange,oddlyshapedfigurebeltedthebottomofthe
doorwithhisbootedfoot,slappinghispalmsagainstthedoorframe,asifheweretryingto
reshapethewoodworkwithhisbarehands.

“Stupid…fucking…motherfucking…”

Thedoorclosed,andthemanstoppedswearing.Heturnedaround,panting,hiswide

frameshudderingashelookedfrommetoMr.Blackandbackagain.Hiseyeswerea
wateryblue—inconsistentandweak—andhischeeksweremarkedwithaspiderwebof
rupturedbloodvesselsandthreadveins.“You’reouttaluck,”hesaid,slurringalittle.
Shovingawayfromtheentrancedoor,hepushedhimselfforwardtowardthefrontdesk,as
ifheneededthemomentumtohelpgethimselfthere.“Nomorerooms!”hecried.Instead
ofraisingthehatchinthecounter,walkingthroughandloweringitbehindhimselfagain,
heduckeddownandscurriedunderneathit,growlingunhappilyashestruggledtoheave
himselfuprightontheotherside.Icrossedthelobbyandleanedagainstthedesk,being
verycarefulnottoraisemyvoice.

“I’msorry.Thereareroomsavailable.Yourvacancysign’slitupintheparkinglot.”

“Sowhat?Sign’salwayslitup,nomatterwhat.”Theman,inhislatefiftiesand

reekinglikeastalebarrag,flashedmeayellowsmilerottenenoughtoturnmystomach.
“Besides,Iain’thadnotimetoturnthedamnthingoff.Ibeenrunoffmyfeet,checking
youpeopleinandoutallovertheplace.Don’tknowifyou’recomin’orgoin’,noneof
you.”

Mr.Blackappearedbesidemeandleanedacrossthecounter,takingsomethingfrom

thenightmanager’shand:along,scuffed,brassfobattachedtoadanglingkey.Onthe
brassfob:thenumbertwenty-seven.“Soyoudohavearoom,”Mr.Blacksaid,holdingup
thefob.

Thenightmanagertorethecheapplasticponchooverhishead,exposingabroad

sectionofdimpledbellyfatashisshirtroseup;hegrowledunderhisbreathashewadded
upthewaterproofandtosseditintotheoverflowingtrashcanbehindhim.Abovehisleft

shirtpocket,thename‘Harold’hadbeenstitchedinblackthread.

HaroldstaggeredalittleasheturnedtofaceMr.Black.“Iain’tcheckedthatkeyback

intothesystem.So,no.Itain’tfree.”Helungedtosnatchthekeyback,butdrunkashe
was,heendedupgraspingatthinairandnearlyhittingthecounterface-first.Mr.Black
clearedhisthroat,flippingthekeyoverinhishand.

“Howmuchtoexpeditetheprocessofsecuringthisroomfromyou,Harold?”

“Hey!Iwasherefirst.Ifanyone’sgonnabribehimfortheroom,it’sgoingtobeme.”

IwasfarmoresuccessfulinwrenchingthekeyfromMr.Black’shand.Thehandsome
strangerstandingnexttomedidn’tseemecoming,ormaybehedidn’texpectmetohurl
myselfathim.Eitherway,Iyankedthekeyfromhisgripandshoveditintomypocket,
hurlingaviciouslookathim,justincasehewasthinkingabouttryingtogetitback.

Withthestrangestexpressiononhisface,hewhisperedawordthatmademyblood

runhotandcoldatthesametime.“Hellcat.”Hisentirebodypivotedtooneside,away
fromme,ashecurledafinger,motioningforHaroldtoleaninandspeakwithhim.“I
probablyhavewaymoremoneythanher.What’sitgonnabe,cowboy?”

Harold,clearlyalittlediscombobulated,justfrowned.“Theroom’sforty-nineninety-

nineforthenight.”

Mr.Blacksmirked.“Yeah.Butifyougiveittome,I’llpayyoutwohundred.”

God,whatabastard.“I’llgiveyouthreehundred,Harold.”

Mr.Blackhuffeddownhisnose,hissmirknowafull-blownsmile.“Fivehundred,

Harold.AndaboxofCubancigars.Thegoodkind,notthecheapshityoucanbuyat
customs.”

Harold’seyeshadglazedoverawhileback.Hedidn’tseemtobetakinganyofthis

in.IgrabbedholdofMr.Blackbythearmandtuggedhimforcefullyawayfromthecheck
indesk.“Look.Youheardmeonthephonejustnow.Ihavetogettomysister’swedding
inFairhopebySaturday.IfIletherdown,I’llbreakherdamnedheart.I’mtheonly
memberoffamilyshe’llhaveatthisstupidfuckingceremony.Now,please…Ineedto
driveoutofthisdumpfirstthinginthemorning,andtodothatIneedtofuckingsleep.
Please!Justletmehavethefuckingroom!”

“Youknowyousayfuckalot?”hewhispered,leaningintome,asifimpartinga

pieceofinformationImightnotyetbeawareof.Hissnowstormeyesflashedatme,filled
withamusement.

“Lady,what’syourname?”Tomyleft,Haroldscratchedathistemplewiththe

chewedendofaballpointpen.Oh,thankgod.Theguyhadseenreason.I’dbeenthefirst
personwaitingforaroom,sothereforeIgotit.Fairwasfair.Ibreathedasighofrelief,
releasingmygriponMr.Black’sarm.

“It’sSera.SeraLafferty.

Haroldstuckouthistongue,hisbrowfurrowingashishandweavedtowardwhat

lookedlikeaguestledger.IriskedavictorioussidelongsmirkatMr.Black,butIwasn’t

rewardedbyalookofdismayplasteredacrosshisface.Thebastardwasstillsmirking,
himself.

“Andyou.What…?”Haroldhiccupped.“What’syourname?”

“FelixMarcosa.”

OfcoursehisnamewasfuckingFelixMarcosa.Itsuitedhimdowntotheground.

Whatanasshole.Haroldobviouslyagreedwithme.Hegroaned,shookhishead,andthen
scribbledsomethingsidewaysintheledger.“Ienteredyouintoourstate-of-the-art
databaseasMr.andMrs.…”Hiccup,“…Jones.Twenty-seven’sgottwobeds.Figureit
out.Now…”HesquintedatmeandthenatFelix,narrowinghiseyes.“Whatdidwe
agree?Threehundredfromyou,”hesaid,pointedatme.“Andfivehundredfromyou.
Plus…aboxofCubancigars.”

FelixMarcosawasn’tsmilinganymore.

Butthenagain,neitherwasI.

TWO

HOWPEDESTRIAN

FIX

Aperson’shandstellmostoftheirstories.Youcanlearnalotaboutsomeonebysimply
studyingthewearandteartotheirhands.AsSeraLaffertyluggedherbagdownthe
floodedwalkwaytowardroomnumbertwenty-seven,herknuckleswereblanched.I
noticedthetwodeep,perpendicularscarsthatranacrossthebackofherrighthand,silvery
andsmoothunderthebright,whitesecuritylights.Thescarsweredefensivewounds.
Wouldhavebledalot.Therewaseverychancehertendonshadbeenseveredgiventhe
placementofthescars,whichwouldhavemeantmonthsofexcruciating,timeconsuming
physicaltherapy.She’dbeenluckyshehadn’tcompletelylosttheuseofherhand
altogether.

WhatdidSera’sscarstellmeabouther,otherthanthefactthatshe’dbeenassaultedat

somepoint?Theytoldmeshewasafighter.Theytoldmeshewasfierce.Imadea
numberofdeductionsasIfollowedclosebehindhertowardtheroom,myshoulders
huncheduparoundmyearsagainsttherain.

One:SeraLafferty’sattackerwassomeoneveryclosetoher.Someonesheknewvery,

verywell.

Two:Eversinceshe’dbeenattacked,she’dspiraledoutofcontrol,allowingherselfto

stumbleblindlyfromonedangeroussituationtoanother.

Three:IfIwantedto,Icouldfuckherandslitherthroattonight,andsheprobably

wouldn’tevencare.

NotthatI’ddothat,though.Ididn’trapewomen.

Whenwereachedthegreen-painteddoorwiththegoldtwoandsevenetchedontoit,

Seraslidthekeyintothelockandtossedanirritatedlookatmeoverhershoulder.“Guess
you’renotasgoodatplanningasyouthoughtyouwere,”shesnapped.“You’dhave
bookedaroomaheadoftimeifyouwere.”

“I’mrightwhereI’mmeanttobe,”Isaid,echoingmywordsfrombefore,backinthe

lobby.Ifonlysheknew…

Seradidn’tnoticemyrepetition.Or,ifshedid,shedidn’tsayanythingaboutit.Most

womeninherpositionwouldhavescreamedandpleadedwithHaroldatthefrontdesk,
beggingtobeallocatedtheroomontheirown.Ifthathadn’tworked,otherwomenwould

havecursedmeout,thrownuptheirhandsandgoneandsleptintheircarforthenight.A
carwasasafe,metalbox,studdedwithlocks.Acarwaseasilydefensible.Ithadaloud
alarmandflashinglights.ButSerasimplyscowledatme,shrugged,handedoverthree
hundreddollarstoHarold,thenhurriedouttohercartocollectherbags.

Theinsideofroomtwenty-sevenwasprettygoddamnmiserable.Thereweretwo

beds,justasHaroldhadclaimed,buttheywereclearlyaboutthirtyyearsoldandheavily
sunkeninthemiddle.Bothofthemwereasbadaseachother.Thewallsusedtobewhite
atsomepoint.Ormaybe…peach?Nowtheywereascuzzynicotine-stainedyellow,and
theairbuzzedwiththestenchofoldcigarettes.Inthecorner,anoldtelevisionwithadial
tochangethechannelssatontopofanold,scratcheddresser,thetopdrawerofwhichwas
missing.

Seradidn’tseemtonoticeanyofit.“I’mtakingthebedclosertothedoor,”she

announced.“Ifyoudon’tlikeit,youcangoaskforyourmoneybackandsleeponthat
couchinthelobby.”

“Theotherbed’sfine.”Iheftedmysuitcaseupandslungitontothemattress,

surprisedwhenthewholebeddidn’tcollapseundertheweightofthebag.

“Jesus,whathaveyougotinthere?”Seramumbled.“Bricks?”

“Guns,”Icorrected.“Lotsandlotsofguns.”Beinghonestwasoneofmyfavorite

games.Itwasfarmoreentertainingtotellsomeonethetruthandletthemmakeofit
whatevertheychosethantofabricatesomeboring,fakelife.Sera,likemostpeopleItold
thetruth,thoughtIwasbeingridiculousanddecidedtomockmeforit.

“Oh,right.Becauseyou’reahitman,andyouhavetokillsomeoneintowntomorrow.

Sillyme.HowcouldIforget?”

Shewasbeautiful.Beautifulinanunconventionalwaythatdidn’tmeetanyofmy

usualrequirements.Formetofindawomanattractive,sheusuallyhadtobeshortand
petite.Shehadtohavetohavelonghair,eitherredorblonde,andblueeyes.Shehadtobe
submissiveandprettydamnquiet,too,unlesswewereinbed.Inthatcase,shecouldbeas
loudasshedamnwellpleased.

Serawasabrunette,herhaircroppedintoanedgy,shoulder-lengthstylethatwas

longeratthefrontthanitwasattheback.Hereyesweredark,darkbrown,filledwith
intelligenceandsuspicion.Shewasclosetofive-nine,thoughinherheeledleatherboots,
shenearlystoodastallasmeatsix-one,andasfarasthesubmissivethingwent…Icould
alreadytelltherewasnohopeofthateverhappening.Shewasforgedinthefire,thisone.
Therewouldn’tbeanycoolingherorcalmingherdown.Ifshewereoneofmy
grandfather’shorsesbackonhisfarm,hewouldhaveeyedherforasecondortwo,paced
aroundher,lookingherupanddown,andthendeclaredsheneededcuttingloose.He
wouldn’thaveevenbotheredwastinghistimetryingtotameher.

“I’dappreciateitifyoudidn’tturnthetelevisionon,”shesaid,unzippingherown

bag.“I’malightsleeper.”

“Naturally.AndI’dappreciateitifyoudidn’tgetyourmakeupallovereverysingle

towelinthebathroom.I’mallergictoalltheweirdcraptheyputinthatstuff.”

Serahuffedasshepulledablowdryeroutofherbag,windingthecablearoundits

handle.“Fairenough.Butthere’snoweirdcrapinmakeup.Youdon’tneedtobeanass
justbecauseIaskedyounottodosomething.”

“Birdshit.”

“Whatdidyoujustsay?”

Ipulledbackthesheetsonmybed,inspectingthemforanysuspectstains.Sofar,all

wasclear.“Birdshit.Theyputthatinsomemakeupsandmoisturizers.Aswellassnail
secretions.Andbabyforeskins.”

Seradroppedherblowdryerontoherpillow,roundingonme,handsonherhips.

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”

“Lookitup.Allthosemagicalcreams,powdersandpotionsyousmearontoyouskin

everyday?They’refuckinggross.Butwhocares,solongastheyhidethecracks,right?”

HerfacedarkenedtothepointwhereIcouldalmostseethethundercloudhovering

overherhead.“Idon’thaveany‘cracks.’Andalso,theydonotputbabyforeskinsin
makeup.”

“Allright.Ifyousayso.”Itookashirtoutofmybag,thenremovedmyshoesand

beganpickingatthemudthatwascrustedaroundthesole.Howlongwasitgoingtotake
hertoreact?Threeminutes?Five?‘Allright.Ifyousayso,’wasprobablythemost
incendiarythingamancouldsaytoawoman.Theycouldn’tfuckingstandit.Withher
fierytemper,itwouldn’tbelongnowbeforeSerawasrippingherownshoesfromherfeet
andthrowingthematme.

Instead,asifsheknewwhatIexpectedhertodoandwasdeterminedtoproveme

wrong,shesatslowlyinachairandbeganhummingsoftly.

Igrabbedmywashbag,asetofclean,dryclothes,andheadedintothebathroom.

“Whatareyoudoing?”

Iglancedbackatherovermyshoulder.“Showering.”Ismiledmymostinviting

smile.TheoneIusedtocoercewomenintomybed.Theonethatneverfailedtowork.
“Caretojoinme?”

Serapulledadisgustedface,apparentlyimmunetothesmile,rightalongwiththe

disreputableglintinmyeyes.“I’mnotinthebusinessofshoweringwithperfect
strangers.”

“Thisplaceisprobablyrunningonagenerator.Whoknowswhenthehotwater’s

goingtorunout,”Icountered.

“I’lltakemychances.”

“Suityourself.”Iclosedthebathroomdoorandlockeditbehindme.Ofcourseshe

wasn’tgoingtoshowerwithme.Itwasfunfuckingwithsuchanuptightperson,though.

Seracarriedherselfwithconfidence.Sheknewshewasattractive,andtherewasnothing
wrongwiththat.Firstmeetingswithwomenlikeher,sexualorotherwise,werealwaysa
powerstruggle,however.Shewantedtoassertherdominanceoverme,andIwasdamned
ifIwasgoingtolether.ThemomentIgaveinandboweddowntoher,worshippingher
forthegoddessshewas,she’dnolongerrespectme.Ortheideaofme.Wheneveraman
andawomanmetforthefirsttime,itwashumannatureforbothofthemtoimaginesome
realityinwhichtheywerefucking,regardlessoftheirmaritalstatus,desiresor
inclinations.Ifyoushowedmeapersonwhoclaimedotherwise,I’dshowyoualiar.I
wasn’thavingherimaginingshecoulddominatemeinthebedroom.Sobaitingher,
refusingtobethesimpering,weakgentlemanshe’sprobablyusedto,wasjustparforthe
course.

Iturnedontheshower,wrestlingoutofmywetclothes,andthen,naked,Istudiedmy

faceinthemirror,rubbingmyhandacrossmyjawtoseeifIneededashaveyet.Iusually
avoidedmirrorsatallcosts;Ihadmyfather’seyes—hardtofuckingmiss—andmy
mother’snose.Mymouthwasmyfather’s,too.Whatwouldtheyboththinkofmenow?
ThelifeI’dchosenformyself.Thesteeplyinclined,slipperyasfuckpathI’dbegun
descendingstraightdownintohell.

Thankfully,I’dneverknowtheirshallowopinionofme.Thepriestandhisobedient

homemakerwifewerebothlonggone.St.Petermusthavealertedthemediathemoment
myparentsarrivedatthepearlygates,shortlyafterplowingintothebackofanarticulated
truckonefrosty,darkOctobernightinUpstateNewYork.Ifanyonehadbeenguaranteed
VIPentryintoHeaven,itwasthosetwo.They’dbeenposterchildrenfortheCatholic
Faiththeirentirelives.AndIwastheirbiggestdisappointment.

IscowledatthepiecesofEricandLouisaMarcosastaringbackatmeinthemirror,

defyingthemintheonlywayIstillhadleftavailabletome.Myimageslowly
disappeared,eatenupbythesteamfromthehotshowerthatgraduallyfoggedtheglass,
andtheghostsfledthebathroom,leavingmestandingstrippedbareandverymuchalone.

Ishowered,thinkinghard.Ihadtwojobsonmybooks,andneitheroneofthemwas

goingtobepretty.Tomorrow’sjobwasgonnabereallyshitty.I’dalreadyacceptedthe
payment,soIcouldn’tbackoutofthejob,butthemoreandmoreIthoughtaboutit,the
lessandlessIwantedtodirtymyhandswiththework.

Theguy,FranzHalford,ownedanautomechanics’shopontheothersideofLiberty

Fields—hadinheriteditfromhisgrandfatherabouttwentyyearsago.Nowife.No
children.Justapileofbaddebtandaraciststreakamilewide.Ialwaysmadeapointof
investigatingwhymyclientswantedtheirtargetsdead—duediligencewasimportant.
Crucialinmylineofwork—andthisinstancehadbeennoexception.WhenI’dreviewed
FranzHalford’sfile,goingoverthepaperworkthathadbeensuppliedtome,explaining
whytheworldwouldbeabetterplacewithoutFranzHalfordinit,ithadbeenapretty
clearcutcase,asfarasIcouldsee.Franzhadrapedayoungwoman.Atwenty-year-old
collegestudentbythenameofHollyShoji.Andhehadn’trapedherbecausehethought
shewasattractive(thoughshewas),orbecausesheblewhimoffinabaronenightwhen
hewasdrunkandmakingafoolofhimself.He’ddoneitbecauseshewasJapanese,and

FranzHalforddidn’tlikeJapanesepeople.Hedidn’tlikeanyoneunlesstheywerewhite.

MyownskinwasprettydamnCaucasian,butIhadSpanishheritage.Mygreat-

grandparentsonmyfather’ssidewerebothfromAltea,atinycoastaltowninthesouthof
Spain,butthey’dcomeovertoAmericajustbeforethestartoftheSecondWorldWarin
searchofanewlife.Ridiculously,I’dhadissueswithpeopleinthepast.Whentheyheard
myfamilyname—usuallytheonlycluethatIwasn’tpureasthedrivensnow—they’dcast
aderisiveglanceoverme,lookingforthetell:thesetofmyfeatures,ormyheight,oran
accentthatwouldsetmeapartfromthem,markingmeasdifferent.Idespisedthe
motherfuckerswholookedatmelikethat.Iusuallywantedtocleavetheirheadfromthe
baseoftheirneck,whichwaswhyacceptingaracistasamarkwasahorrificidea.I’d
beenheavilyinvolvedinthislineofworkforthepastfiveyears.TheonlytimeI’dever
comeclosetobeingcaughtbytheauthoritieswasinasituationverysimilartothisone;a
younggirlhadbeenkidnappedbyagroupofClanmembersinthemiddleofbumfuck
nowhere,Tennessee.I’dlaidtheplacetowaste,takingmytimetorturingeachandevery
oneofthosesickpiecesofshitforthebrutalactsthey’dcommittedtothatfifteen-year-old
girl’sbody.I’dbrokenmyownrulesandstayedinthatdingy,dirtyrat-infestedwarehouse
toolong,andwhenIburnedoutofthereinoneoftheirstolencars,I’dbarelymissedthe
fleetofcopcarsthatrolledupontheplaceonlymomentslater.

Godonlyknowswhattheyhadmadeofthechaosanddestructiontheyfoundwhen

theythrewupthoserollershuttersandsawwhatwasinside.Theyprobablystillhad
nightmaresaboutit.

Theshowerwaterwasscalding,butthatdidn’tseemtohavehelpedthetemperature

insidethebathroomwhenIsteppedoutofthetiledcubicle.Theairwasfrigid,bitingat
myskin,andIhurriedtogetdryasquicklyaspossible.Whiletherestofmybodywas
sufferingfromborderlinehypothermia,mydickdidn’tseemtohavenoticedthecold.I
hadaraginghard-onthatwasbecomingdifficulttoignore.Iglanceddownatit,
contemplatingstrokingitforjustasecond,butthenIdecidedagainstit.Therewasno
suchthingasjustasecondwhenitcametojerkingoff—Ieithercompletedthetaskat
hand,orIdidn’tstartitinthefirstplace—andIdidn’thavetimetobetouchingmycock.
NotwithSerasittingontheothersideofthebathroomdoor.ShewasthereasonIhada
fuckingerectioninthefirstplace.Sheseemedsmartaswellasbeautiful,anditwouldn’t
takemuchforhertofigureoutwhatthehellIwasdoinginhereifIdidn’tcomeoutfairly
soon.

Oncedressed,Ileftthebathroom,rubbingatmydamphairwithatowel.Serapursed

herlipsasshelookedupatmeoverthetopofabook.She’dmovedfromthechairand
wasnowlyingonherbed,proppedupagainstastackoflumpylookingpillows.“Your
cellphone’sbeenblowingup,”shesaid,curvingadarkeyebrowatme.“Who,orwhat,is
a‘Fix’?”

Well,well,well.She’dlookedatmyphone?Icurvedaneyebrowrightbackather.

“Naughtygirl.Youmakeahabitofinvadingtheprivacyoftotalstrangers?”

“Ididn’tnosuchthing.Haroldfromfrontdeskcalledtheroomwhileyouwere

primpingandpreeninginthere.Heaskedmetogiveyouamessage.Hesaid,awoman

calledMonicacalled,andsaid…”Seraclearedherthroat,closingherbookandlayingit
ontopofherchest.“‘Fuckyou,Fix.You’realreadylate.Ifyoudon’tcomehomesoon,I’m
comingtofindyou.”

Urgh.Monica.Whatthehellwasshedoing,callingthemotel?I’donlytoldherwhere

Iwassoshe’dquithasslingcallingmeeveryfiveseconds.Nowshehadthenameofthe
placeIwasstaying,I’dsimplygivenheranotheravenuethroughwhichtoharassme,
apparently.AndHaroldshouldn’thavegivenamessagemeantformetoanotherguest,but
thenagainHaroldwasfuckinguselessanddidn’tknowhisassfromhiselbow,so…

Icollectedmycellfromthenightstandbesidemybed,andsureenoughIhadsix

missedcallsfromMonica,alongsideancollectionofcolorfullywordedtextmessagesthat
wouldhavemadeasailorblush.

“Youstillhaven’tansweredmyquestion,”Serasaidloftily.

“Hmm?”

“Fix?”

Ilaughed,slidingmyphoneintomybackpocket.“Felix.Fix.I’mFix.That’swhat

somepeoplecallme.”IftheyknewImurderedpeopleforaliving,that’swhattheycalled
me,anyway.Fiveyearsago,I’dmadeadecision.I’dstoodinahospital,coveredinblood,
handsstickywithit,andI’ddecidedthattherewasnojusticeintheworld.I’ddecidedto
rectifythesituation.I’dsetFelixaside,andI’dbecomeFix.

Sincethatnight,I’dspendeverywakingmomentsearchingforthebastardwho’dhurt

thewomanundermycare.Ihadn’tfoundhimyet,butIhadalongfuckingmemory.I
wasn’tabouttogiveupanytimesoon.

“Averbasanickname.Howpedestrian,”Seramused,liftingaglasstoherlips.Her

tonewasalittlemocking,butIcouldseeshewasintrigued.Sheprobablywantedtoknow
whoMonicawas.SheprobablywantedtoknowwhatIwaseightdayslatefor.ShameI
wasn’tgoingtotellher.TheamberliquidinherglasscaughtthelightasSeratippedit
back,takingahealthyswig.

“That’sahealthypour.Youplanondrivingwithahangovertomorrow?”Isaid.

Shelaughedsoftly,shakingherhead.Theglasswasnowempty.“Ilearnedhowto

throwbacktequilawhenIwasfourteen-years-old.Icandrinkmostpeopleunderthetable.
Haven’thadahangoverinyears.”

God.IfIwereanykindofasshole,whichIwas,thiswasthemomentI’doffertotest

outthattheory.Iwasn’tabouttofulfillwhateverexpectationsshe’dclearlyformedofme,
though.SeraandIwerestillplayingourlittlegameofwho’sincontrolhere?AndIdidn’t
losethatmotherfuckinggame.Ever.

“Icanleavetheroomifyouneedtoreturnallthosephonecalls,”Serasaid.Hervoice

wasinteresting—alittlehuskierthanmostwomen,whichwasanicechange.I’dhad
enoughofnasal,highpitched,whinygirlstolastmealifetime.Thetequilahadprobably
setaroughedgetohertone,butIwasn’tcomplaining;itwassexyasfuck.

“Thanks.I’mgood.”

“Ah.Soyou’reaplayer.You’regoingtokeeplittleMissMonicawaiting.”

Ha!KeepingMonicawaiting?Thatwasafuckingriot.Ismirked,layingdownonmy

bed.“YouwanttoknowifI’mfuckingher.”

AscandalizedlookflashedacrossSera’sface.Shehadafaintscarrunningalongher

jawlinethatIhadn’tnoticedbefore.Thesilverylineofhealedtissuewasnarrow,nowider
thanthebladeofaknife,andmusthavebeenexpertlystitched,becauseitwasbarely
visible.Iprobablywouldn’thavenoticedithadshenotdramaticallyreactedtomy
statement.

“Idon’twanttoknowthat.Idon’twanttoknowanything.I’mmerelymakingan

observation.”

Iassessedherscarsurreptitiously,onlyallowingmyeyestoskateoveritonemore

timebeforeIraisedmygazetohers.Youdidn’tgetascarlikethataccidentally.Itwastoo
longandstraightandperfecttohavebeencausedbyanythingotherthanaweapon.So
Serawasinteresting,afterall.Shewasn’tjustaprissyprincesswithabadattitude.She
hadstoriesofherowntotell.NotthatIwasgoingtoaskhertospill.Thatwouldmake
thingscomplicated.ThatwouldbeapointtoSera,andIwasstillkeepingaweathereye
ontheleaderboard.“You’rejudgingme,”Isaid.“You’retryingtofigureoutwhoIam.”

Alongpausefollowed,asmall,shallowlineformingbetweenSera’sperfectly

manicuredbrows.“And?”Shesoundedfrustrated.“That’swhatpeopledowhentheymeet
otherpeople.Theyformopinionsofthem.Theytryanddecideiftheyliketheother
personornot.”

“Whatdoesitmatterifyoulikemeornot?WhywoulditmatterifIwasthebiggest

assholeonthefaceoftheplanet?We’rehereforonenight.Oncetomorrowmorning
arrives,you’regoingyourwayandI’mgoingmine.You’llneverseemeagain,andyou’ll
havewastedallthatprecioustimemakingdecisionsaboutme.”

Icouldplaythisgameforever.Serastaredatmeforadrawnoutsecond.Allmylife,

I’dbeentoldoverandoveragainhowconfrontingmyeyeswere.Tooblue.Toocold.Too
paralyzing.Toopiercing.WhenSeraturnedherwarm,chocolateeyesonme,Ifinally
begantounderstandwhatpeopleweretalkingabout.Itwasn’tthattheywereoutofthe
ordinary,oreventhatremarkableforthatmatter,buttheintelligencethatexistedinher
eyes,shiningoutfromherintricatelypaintedirises,wasenoughtopinmetothemattress.
Lookingdirectlyatherwaslikelookingdirectlyintotheeyesofatiger.Therewasso
muchhappeningbehindthelook,somuchgoingoninsideherhead,andyetshemanaged
toconcealitallsowell.Still,Iknewshewassizingmeup.Tryingtodecideifshecould
takemeon,onewayoranother.

Inhalingsharply,shesatup,breakingoffourweirdlittlestaringcontest.“You’re

right,”shesaid,reachingforherpurse.“Iwon’twastemytimemakinganymore
decisions.”OutofherbagcameabottleofClaseAzulReposadotequila,whichsheset
downontopofhercomforter,leaningitagainstherlegsoshecouldunscrewthetop.

Anotherconsiderableamountofthegoldenliquidwentintoherglass.Shedidn’taskifI
wantedadrink.Shejustgrabbedtheotherglasssittingonhernightstandandpoured.
“Here.Takeit.ItreallyisunimportantifIlikeyou,butwedohavetospendthenextfew
hoursholedupinthisroomtogether.Wemightaswellattempttomakethemasbearable
aspossible.”

AseriesofpotentialoutcomesflashedbeforemyeyesasIreachedoverandaccepted

theglassoftequila:Idrankwithher,gotwasted,andIwokeuptoanemptymotelroom,
withallmyhardwarestolen;Idrankwithher,gotwasted,wokeupfeelingshitty,andI
allowedFranzHalfordtogetthejumponmewhenIpaidhimavisitathisauto-
mechanics’tomorrow;and,mypersonalfavorite,Idrankwithher,gotwasted,andended
upfuckingSera’sbrainsout.

Thistripwasajob,Iremindedmyself.Iwasheretotakecareofbusiness.Buthow

longhaditbeensinceI’dfuckedanyone?Atleastthreemonths.Iwasanattractiveguy.
No,fuckthat,Iwashot.GirlsstoppedtheirconversationswhenIpassedtheminthe
street.IwasfollowedbydoubletakesandopenstareseverywhereIwent.Iwasabadcall.
Iwasdangerous.Iwasariskthatshouldneverbetaken.Iwasthedevil,andIwasn’teven
indisguise,butitdidn’tstopwomenfromwantingtotakethechance.Iwasselective,
though.Ididn’tjustsinkmydickintothefirstavailableandwilling,wetpussy,just
becauseIcould.

Itookasipofthetequila,relishingtheburnthatspreaddownmythroatandintomy

chest,warmingmefromtheinside.“Thisisnice.Expensive.”Seramighthavelearned
howtodrinkatayoungage,butI’dhadmyfairshareoftequila,too.Thiswasn’tcheap
andnasty;itwastopshelfliquor.

“Itwasagiftformysister,”Serasaid,consideringthecontentsofherownglass.“We

weresupposedtodrinkittomorrownightwhenIarrived,tocelebrateherwedding.But
sinceitlookslikeI’mgoingtobemissingtheceremonyaltogether,Ithoughtfuckit.Bea
shamenottoenjoyit.”

“Soundslikeyoutwoareclose.”

Sheshrugged.Shewastall,herframestrong,buttheactofshruggingmadeherlook

smallandfragile.“Sometimesyouendupclosetosomeonebecauseyouhavenoother
choice.Iusedtotakecareofher,onceuponatime.”

Didshemeanletthesesmallsnippetsofinformationslip?Iwaslearningalotabout

herjustbysittinghere,watchingher,butherwordstoldmeevenmoreaboutherpast.The
scaronherjawwasanactofviolence.Herdefensiveattitudesaidshewasusedto
protectingherself.Andnowshewastellingme,perhapsinadvertently,thatthechildhood
she’dsharedwithhersisterwasfraughtwithdiscord.Itossedbackanothermouthfulof
thetequila,andmyphonebuzzedinmypocketagain.Damnit,Monicawasonamission
tonight.I’dhavetocallhertomorroworshereallywouldsetouttotrackmedown.That
wouldnotendwell,formeorforher.

Sera’smouthturnedupatthecorners,formingahalfamusedsmile.“Youthinkan

awfullotforaprettyboy.”

“Prettyboy?”I’djustmether.Mostgirlsweren’tcomfortableteasingmeaboutmy

looksuntilatleastthefourthorfifthdrink.Thenagain,Ididn’tusuallyfindmyselflocked
insideaseedymotelroomwithmanywomenuntillongafterthat,andlookatwherewe
foundourselvesnow.“AmInotallowedtothink?”

“It’sbeenmyexperiencethatgoodlooksaren’toftenmarriedtointellect,”shesaid.

“Great.We’remakingsweepinggeneralizations.Ifuckinglovethose.Iguessyou

haveanIQoffifty-three,then.Andyou’reawoman,soyou’reprobablyhorribleat
puttingflat-packfurnituretogether.Andyou’reabaddriver.Andyoulovetoshopand
wasteallyourmoneyonmanicuresandfrivolous,sparklyshit.Youprobablyhavea
wardrobefullofpursesandshoes,andyoutakefourhoursinthemorningtoapplyyour
makeupandstraightenyourhair.”

Shescowled.Drank.Scowledsomemore.“Youknownoneofthatistrue.You

wouldn’thavesaiditotherwise.”

“Maybe.”

“You’retheonewiththedesignersuitcase,notme.”

“Istolethatoffadeadman.”

Herscathingexpressionsaidshedidn’tbelievemeforasecond.“Comeon.You’re

probablysomesortofinvestmentbankerorsomething.Oramilitarybrat.Althoughyour
haircut’stoofancyforthat.”

“Thanks.Yourhairlookslikeyou’vehadratsnestinginit.”I’dneverbeentoldI

lookedlikeaninvestmentbankerbefore.SomeoneclaimedIlookedlikeamorticianonce,
andeventhatwaslessoffensivethaninvestmentbanker.IcametoLibertyFieldsstraight
fromanotherjob,onewhereIhadtolookthepart,soIcouldunderstandSeramakinga
fewassumptions.Theoldadage,‘neverjudgeabookbyitscover’,wassopointless.
Peoplealwaysjudgedabookbyitscover,andthecoverSerasawwhenIwalkedintothat
lobbyearliertonightwasapolished,wellturnedout,verystylishcover.Ifshe’dmetme
lastweek,whenIwassportingafullbeardandcoveredindirt,headtotoeincamogear,
shewouldhaveformedaverydifferentopinionofme.SheprobablywouldhavethoughtI
wasasurvivalistnutwithanuclearbunkerfullofsuppliesunderneathmyhouse.She
wouldneverhaveagreedtosharethisroomwithme,thatwasforfuckingsure.

Seracockedherheadtooneside,hereyesnarrowingintoslits.Sheprobablywanted

tocomeacrossasassessingandsevere,butthatwasn’ttheoutcomesheachieved.Instead,
shelookedlikealittlegirlwhocouldn’tmakeuphermind.“I’mgonnagotosleepsoon.
Don’teventhinkabouttryingtoclimbintobedwithme.It’sasurefirewayofgetting
yourselfcastrated.”

“Please.Youknowyouwanttosleepwithme,SeraLafferty.Youwantedtosleep

withmethemomentyouseteyesonme.”

Aslow,franklyunnervingsmilespreadacrossherface.Shewasbeginningtolook

likeawomanwhoreallywouldtearaguy’sdickoffforclimbingintobedwithher.“You
haveaveryhighopinionofyourself,Fix.”

Igrinnedbackather,flashinghermyteeth.“OfcourseIdo.I’mreallyfucking

awesome.”

THREE

BADANGEL

SERA

“Justadmitit.Admitittoyourself.Whatharmwillitdo?Yousawme,youthoughtIwas
hot,andyouwantedtofuckme.”

Wheredidthisguygetoff?Howcouldhebesoarrogantandbrash,withoutevena

glimmerofhumility?HewasprobablythehottestguyI’devercrossedpathswith,hotter
thanmyex,Gareth,bystrides,butwithgreatlookscamegreatresponsibility.Heshould
havebeenhumbleabouthisappearance,butinsteaditseemedasthoughhe’dnevereven
heardoftheterm.

“Oh,comeon.Don’tlooksopissy.Ishootfromthehip,”hesaid,grinning.“There’s

nothingwrongwithtakingwhatyouwanteveryonceinawhile.”

“Iwanttequila,”Itoldhim,heftingthehalf-emptybottleintheair.“Iwantthisstupid

stormtoendsoIcangetoutofhere.Idonotwanttofuckyou.”Iwonderedifthatlittle
speechhadconvincedhim.Iwasfistpumpinginside,becausetomyownearsI’dsounded
likeImeantit.Forallintentsandpurposes,itwastrue.Fairenough,Icouldn’tkeepmy
eyesoffFix.Itwasallfunandgames,imaginingwhathishandswouldfeellikeallover
mybody,butIwasn’tdumbenoughtoactonthosethoughts.Fixgrunted.Kneelingonthe
flooratthefootofmybed,hiselbowsrestingontheedgeofmymattress,helookedlike
hewasabouttoclimbupontothedamnthingandprowltowardmelikeastalking
panther.

“Whereareyoufrom?”heasked.The questionwasoutoftheblue.

“SouthCarolina.AtinyplacecalledMontmorenci.”Itookaswigdirectlyoutofthe

tequilabottle.

“Didyouhateitthere?”heprobed.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Ihitthebottleagain,thenofferedittohim.“Whatdoesitmatter?Iwasbornthere.I

leftthere.NowIliveinSeattle.Whereareyoufrom?”

“UpstateNewYork.IliveinBrooklynnow.”

Forsomeodd,unknownreason,itwasarelieftoknowthatFixlivedjustaboutasfar

awayfrommeashepossiblycould.Hedrank,andIwatchedthemusclesinhisthroat
workasheswallowed.Damn,thatwasdiverting.Ihadnobusinessbeingturnedonby
suchasimpleaction.

Whenheloweredthebottlefromhislips,heasked,“Whatdoyourparentsdo?”

“Ihaven’tspokentomyfatherinnearlytenyears.Mymother’sdead.Sheusedto

workforalittleinsurancecompany.Alittlemom‘n’popplace.Dealtmostlywithlife
insuranceandagriculturalliability.”

“Soundslikeathrillasecond.”

Melancholywashedoverme.Ididn’tthinkaboutMomveryoften.She’ddiedwhenI

waseight,soitseemedthatthefewmemoriesIhadofherfadedmoreandmoreasIgrew
older.ItseemedtomethatonedayI’dwakeupandIwouldn’trememberwhatherface
hadlookedlikeatall.Thateventualitywasthesaddestthingintheworldtome.

Fixdidn’tseemperturbedbymysomberadmission.“How’dshedie?”

“God,youaskalotofpersonalquestions.Whataboutyourparents?Whatdothey

do?”

“Bothdead,”heanswered.“Caraccidentsevenyearsago.Happenedthedaybefore

mythirtiethbirthday.”Notatwinkleofemotion.Itwasweird,asifhewerecompletely
shutofffromwhatmusthavebeenaverytraumaticevent.Eitherthat,orhejustdidn’t
care.

“Fairenough.”Isighed.“Twodeadparentstrumpsonedeadparent.Mymomhadan

aneurism.Shewasfineoneminute,wateringthegarden.Yellingatmeandmysisterto
comeinfordinner.NextthingIknew,she’dkeeledoverinthegrass,dead.Whenthey
completedtheautopsy,thedoctorssaidherswasthelargestaneurismthey’deverseen,the
sizeofTexas.Completelyinoperable.Theysaidshe’dprobablyhaditforyearsandnever
known.Walkingaroundeveryday,oblivious,withahugebombwaitingtogooffinher
head.”

“Betterthatway.”Fixsaidthisasifitwereamatteroffact.“Shelivedherlife

withoutworryingeverytimesheneededtosneeze.”

I’dspentalongtimewonderingifitwasbetterthatshehadn’tknown.WouldMom

havedonethingsalittledifferentlyifshe’dbeenawarehertimewaslimited?Shemight
havepulledusfromschool,takenusonvacation,spentasmuchtimewithmeandAmyas
possible.ShecouldhavesentustolivewithherfriendNatalieinUtah.Sheusedtotalkto
Natalieonthephoneeveryday.Sixsmithlikedtoblamemymother’sdeathforhisraging
alcoholism,buttherealitywashe’dstartedhittingthebottlealittleharderthenheshould
haveacoupleofyearsbeforeMomwent.IlikedtothinkMomwouldhavetakenusaway
fromhimifshe’dknownthetruthofwhatwasgoingoninsideherbrain.

“Hmm.Well,it’sallsaidanddonenow.Thatwasalongtimeago.”Ididn’twantto

thinkaboutMom.Isureasfuckdidn’twanttothinkaboutSixsmith.

Itookanotherdrinkfromthebottle,andmyheadstartedtobuzz.Ineededtobe

careful.Icoulddrinkpeopleunderthetable,butIwasn’timmunetohangovers.Tequila
hangoversweretheabsoluteworst.

Fixdidn’tsayanythingashestoodup,kickedhisshoesoff,andthrewhimselfdown

nexttomeonmybed.Iquirkedaneyebrowathim.“Uh…whatdoyouthinkyou’re
doing?”

“I’msureyoulikeyourguysservileandmeek,Sera,butI’mnotkneelingonthefloor

forever.”

“Thengoandlieonyourbed.”

Heproppedhimselfuponhiselbowandleanedacrossmybody,reachingforthe

tequilabottle—aprettyboldmoveforaguywho’dbeenmorethanalittlefrostytoward
meinthelobbynotthatlongago.“HowarewemeanttopassbackandforthifI’mallthe
wayoverthere?”hesaid.Hisferalsmilemadehimlookparticularlywolfish.Thisclose,I
couldseethefinedetailsofhisface…andtheyreallywerefine.Strongjawline;high
cheekbones;long,curledeyelashes.Hewastheepitomeoftall,darkandhandsome,and
hesmelledheavenly.Iwrackedmybrain,tryingtopindownthescenttoasingleorigin,
butIcouldn’tdoit.Hesmelledlikewintermornings,andwetgrassafterrain,andclean
sheetsdryingonaline.Hisbreathsmelledalittleofthetequilaweweredrinking,but
therewasanunderlyinghintofmint.He’dprobablybrushedhisteethafterhisshower.

“You’restaring,”Fixrumbled.

“Idon’thavemuchchoice.You’rehoveringovermesoclosely,you’refillingmy

entirefieldofvision.”

“Fairpoint.CanIkissyounow?”

“WHAT?”Ifhe’dtriedtokissmewithoutwarning,Iwouldhavekneedhiminthe

ballssohardhe’dneverbeabletohavechildren.Sincehe’dasked,though,Isettledon
sendinghimalooksoscathingthatitwasamiraclehedidn’tfleethemotelroomand
sleeponthatcouchinthelobbyafterall.“WhythehellwouldIletyoukissme?Fromthe
momentwemet,you’vebeenanasshole.We’recompletestrangers.Wehavenothingin
common.You’rejustboredandlookingforawaytopassthetime.I’mnotgoingtobe
yourentertainment,okay?Guyslikeyouareunbelievable.”

“You’venevermetaguylikemebefore,”Fixsaid,tiltinghisheadafractiontothe

left.“I’munique.Andwhosaidanythingaboutmeusingyouformyentertainment?I’d
ratheryouusedmeforyourentertainment.”

Seriously,thisguy.Hewasstriking,therewasnodenyingthat,buthisarrogance

knewnobounds.Unique?Hiseyesmadehimoneofakind,butthefactthathethoughthe
couldhavemeswooningoverhimbecausehegotupcloseandpersonalwithmemade
himjustlikeeveryotherguyI’devermet.“Just…forgetit,FelixMarcosa.I’lldrinkwith
you.I’llsharethisroomwithyou.Butthat’sit.”

Fixsankbackdownontothemattress,sighing.“Mydick’sprettyfucking

phenomenal.Youshouldseeit.Grownwomenhavebeenknowntoweepwhenthey
beholdit.”Hedrankfromthebottle,longanddeep,whichwasablessing.Gavemea
secondtorecovermyselfafterthatdickcomment.Isupposedapartofmewascurious.He
wasagiant.Hishandswerelikeshovels—strong,powerfulandcalloused.Handsthathad
beenusedtobuild,createanddestroy.Whatwouldtheyfeellikeonmybody?Wouldtheir
roughnessbetoomuchformyskin,orwoulditmakemynerveendingssingwith
pleasure.

ThelastpersonI’dsleptwithwasmyex,Gareth,closetosixmonthsagonow.

Gareth’shandshadlookednothinglikeFix’s.They’dbeensoftandwellmanicured—the
handsofapampered,spoiledrichboywho’dneverdoneahardday’sworkinhislife.He
hadn’tknownhowtotouchme.I’dfakedanorgasmnearlyeverytimewegotintobed
together.ThetimesIhadn’tfakeanorgasmwerethenightsI’dsimplybeentootiredto
evenpretend.

“I’msureyourdickismagnificent,”Isaid,groaningundermybreath.“I’msure

womenacrossthecountryhavecarvedwoodenreplicasofitthattheyworshipdaily.It’s
probablythemoststunningcocktohaveevergottenaboner.ButI’mgonnapassthis
time.”

Fixcrackedhisneck;theactionmadethemusclesinhisthroatandinhisleftshoulder

standout.Hisshirtwastightenoughthathischestmuscleswerestrainingagainstthe
material,too.Theguyhadmusclesfuckingeverywhere.Maybehewasaprofessional
athleteorsomething.Afootballorahockeyplayer.Thatwouldexplaintheattitude,ifhe
hadhoardsofadoringfanschasinghimdownthestreettwenty-fourseven.

Hedidn’tseemfazedbythefactthatI’dturneddownhisjunk.Floppingbackdown

besideme,hepressedtherimofthetequilabottletohisoh-so-perfectlips,up-endedit,
anddrank.“Ithinkweshouldshoottherestofthisandkillit.We’realreadyhalfway
through.”

Thiswasreallyirresponsiblebehavior.Thiswasflirtingwithdisasterinthebiggest

way.“Fine.”Itookthebottleandchugged.

Thenexthourpassedbyinablur.Atsomepoint,Istartedfeelinggood.Reallygood.

AndthenIjuststartedtofeeldrunk,andmissedthefeelinggoodpart.

MyconsciencekeptwhisperinginmyearthatIshouldgetsomesleep,thattomorrow

wasgoingtobealongday,butintheendevenshebegantoslurherwordsandsaidwhat
thehell.Inevercutlooseanymore.IwasLittleMissSensible,gettingtosleepata
reasonabletime,workingafterhoursonmyprojects,cookingmyownmeals,andlooking
forwardtoSundays,soIcouldcleanandfoldallmylaundry.

Wherehadfun-lovingSeradisappearedto?She’dgoneoutontheweekendswith

Sadieandgottenrip-roaringdrunk,weavingarm-in-armwithherfriendthroughthestreets
ofSeattle,singingbawdysongsatthetopofherlungs.She’dgoneonadventuresforthe
sheerhellofit.She’dgonekitesurfing.She’dseenaguyshe’dlikedinabarandmade
thefirstmove,becauseshewasconfidentandsexy,andshecouldbeanyoneshewanted

tobe,anddoanythingshewantedtodo.

NowIsearchedmyself,huntinghighandlow,andfoundnotraceofthatSeraleft

behind.She’dvanished,andnoonehadbotheredtoputupmissingpostersortriedtohunt
herdown,leastofallme.“Howoldareyou?”IaskedFix,peeringathimoverthetopof
thepillowIwasnowhuggingtomychest.

“Thirty-seven,”hereplied.“You’re…”Hehalf-closedoneeye,studyingme.“You’re

twenty-eight.”

“Yeah.Wow.Iam.Mostguysguessfourorfiveyearsyoungerthantheyreallythinka

womanis,justtostrokeherego.DoesthatmeanyouthinkIlookthirty-three?”

“No.Youlooktwenty-eight.Idon’tplaystupidgames.”

“Pffftttt.Yeah,right.”

“Idon’t.”

“Whatwasallthatstupid,‘wannaseemycock’bullshit,then?Thatwasagameif

everIsawone.”

“Ibegtodiffer.”

“Youweretryingtoflusterme.Makemeallembarrassedandshyorsomeshit.Guys

thinkwomenfaintwhenevertheymentiontheirdicks.It’shilarious.”

“IsaiditbecauseImeantit.I’llhappilyproveit.”

Iraisedthenearlyemptytequilabottle,tippingitinhisdirection.“Bemyguest.”He

wasn’tgoingtojustwhiphisdickoutrighthereandnow.Evenasmooth-talking,macho,
bigtalkerlikehimwouldn’tjusttakedownhispantsandgethiscockout.Hedidn’ttake
thosepaleeyesoffmeasheunfastenedhisbelt,though.Continuedtostareatmeashe
unzippedhisfly.Andhemaintainedeyecontacteverysecondashepushedhisboxers
downoverhiships,andhiscocksprangfree.

Oh…my…god.

I’daskedforthatone.

Iwasn’tlooking.Hadn’tdaredlookdowntoseewhathewasdoingwithhishands

andhisdick.IjustheldFix’sintimidatinggaze,doingmydamnedestnottoreactlikea
prudishlittleschoolgirl.“You’reanasshole,”Iinformedhim.“Youcanputitawaynow.”

“Butyouhaven’tevenlooked.I’llbeoffendedifyoudon’ttakeaquickpeek.”His

grinwasfiendishtosaytheleast.

“Whatever.”IgrippedontothetequilabottlesotightlythatIsuspectedIwasn’tfar

awayfromshatteringtheglassneck.Ilookeddown,tryingtoactnonchalant,butIfeltmy
cheeksexplodewithcolorthemomentIsawwhatFixwasdoing.Notonlywashebig,but
bothhishandswerewrappedaroundtheshaftofhiscock,andhewasslowlyworking
themupanddown.Hisdickreallywasstunning.Iwassureplentyofwomenhad
swoonedatthesightofit,becauseIwasfeelingratherimpressed,andIdidn’ttypically

carewhataguy’sjunklookedlike,solongasheknewhowtouseit.

Fromthedark,sexualglimmerinFix’seyes,Icouldtellheknewexactlyhowtouse

thatthing.

“Youreallyhavenoshame,doyou?”Isaid,drinkingtohidetheblushthathad

stainedmycheeks.

Fixlookeddownathimself;hesuckedhisbottomlipintohismouthandbitdownon

it,pullingitthroughhisownteeth,groaningalittle.Hesqueezedhisdickinhishands,
thenlethisheadfallbackontothepillows.“Shame?”Helaughed.“Iknowallabout
shame.Iusedtowrestlewiththatbastardeveryhourofthewakingday.NowIdon’thave
thetime.”

“Jerkingofftoomuch?”

Fixhissedoutabreathofamusedlaughter.“Life’sjusttooshortforthatkindof

bullshit.Ilikebeingreal.Ilikebeinghonest,asmuchasIcanbe,especiallywithmyself.
Areyouhonestwithyourself,Sera?”

“Yes.”

“Thentellme…iswatchingmetouchmyselfturningyouon?”

Ibalkedatthequestion.Hereallyhadnorightaskingmepersonalshitlikethat,but

thenagainhedidn’texactlyhavetherighttobestrokinghisdickinfrontofme,either.I’d
prettymuchinvitedhimtodothat.Istoleaglancedown,myheartstallingforacoupleof
beatsasIwatchedFixteasetheendofhiscock.Hewassofuckinghard.Hemusthave
beenhardevenbeforehe’dundonehispantsandgottenhiscockout.Hetwitchedalittle
ashepumpedhishandupanddown,andawallofheatslammedintome,stealingmy
breath.Hewasturningmeon.

Watchinghimdothisfelt…wrong.Dirty.Immoral.ButIcouldn’ttearmyeyesaway

fromhim.Isetmyjaw,channelingadefiantstreakamilewide,asIsaidasevenlyasI
could,“Yeah.It’sturningmeon.Youknowitis.”

Fixmadeanappreciativehummingsound,lowandgruff,asifitoriginatedinhis

boots.Heseemedprettydamnpleasedwithmyresponse.“Areyouwetrightnow?”

Idownedanothermouthfuloftequila,grimacingasthebitterflavorbitateitherside

ofmytongue,searingaburningpathwaydownthebackofmythroat.“Yes.I’mwet.It
doesn’tchangeanything,though.Thingsturnmeonallthetime.Idon’tgiveintoevery
singledesireandwhimthatpresentsitselftome.”

“Slideyourhanddownyourpants,Sera.Touchyourself.Showmehowwetyouare.”

Washeforreal?Imean,therewasnowayIwasgoingtodothat.I’dnevertouched

myselfinfrontofanyonebefore.Never.“Youcanforgetit,Fix.”

“Why?”Iwouldn’thavethoughtitpossible,butlusthadmadethetimbreofhisvoice

evendeeper.Hehadthesexiestvoicewhenhewastalkingnormally.Now,visiblyturned
onandoutofbreath,thebasementregisterofhisvoicemademyheadtiltandspin.IfI

wasn’tcareful,Iwasgoingtotumbleoffthebed.

“We’restrangers,”Isaid,clearingmythroat.“I’mnotsomeoutrageousexhibitionist.

Idon’tjuststartmasturbatinginfrontofaguyIonlymetafewhoursago.”

“Youshouldtryit.It’sfun,”Fixgrowled.“Iwon’ttouchyou,Sera.Notifyoudon’t

wantmeto.Butthatdoesn’tmeanyoushouldn’tdoityourself.Youshouldenjoyyourself.
Youshoulddowhateverthefuckyouwanttodo.”

“Oh,andyougetabsolutelynothingoutofmelyingnexttoyou,fingeringmyself?”I

scoffed.Shit,evensayingthatoutloudmadeheatpoolbetweenmylegs.Iwasbeginning
toacheinawayIhadn’tachedforaverylongtime.Itwasinappropriate.Itwasn’tright
thatmybodyshouldberespondingtohimthewayitwas,butIcouldn’tcontrolit.

“I’dgetalotoutofit,”headmitted.“I’dbenefitimmenselyfromwatchingyouslide

yourfingersoveryourwetpussy.Itwoulddrivemeinsane.Especiallyifyouhitchedyour
shirtupandpulleddownyourbrasoyourtitswereexposed.”

“Haha!You’regettinggreedy.”Ilaughed,butIwasgettingmoreandmoreturned

aroundbythesecond.Fixwasjustusinghisrighthandonhimselfnow,andIwaslosing
mybattlewithimpropriety,strugglingandfailingtolookaway.Fuck,hereallywas
somethingtobehold.Hisshaftwaswellovereightinches,buthewasthick,too.Fix’s
middlefingerandthumbdidn’tmeetaroundthecircumferenceofhishard-onashe
tightenedhisgripandincreasedthespeedwithwhichhemovedhishandupanddown.

Garethhadneverwantedtohavesexwiththelightson,whichwasweirdgiventhe

amountoftimehe’dspendflexingandposinginfrontofthefulllengthmirrorsinmy
bedroom.Fixwasunabashedandunaffectedbywhathewasdoing,whichsomehowmade
thewholethingevenhotter.

“Sera.Beinggreedyisgreat.Begreedy.Bedemanding.Befuckinghungry.Take

whateveryouwant.Ifyouwanttotouchyourpussyandmakeyourselffeelgood,thendo
it.Ifyouwanttotouchme,ifyouwanttostrokemycockandmakemesohardthatI
can’tstopmyselffromfuckingyourhand,thendoit.Ifyouwantmetoholdyoudown
andburymytonguebetweenyourlegs,tolickatyouandteaseyouuntilyou’rebegging
metoletyoucome,thenlet’smakeithappen.Ifallyouwantisformetostopbeingsuch
afuckupandjerkingoffrightnexttoyou,thentellmeandI’llstopimmediately.
Whateveryouwant,justclaimit.Letyourselfgo.Ortellmetofuckoff.Butbehonest.”

“I—”Myfirstinstincthadbeentotellhimtoputhisdickawayandgotosleep,butI

stoppedmyself.Maybe…fuck,maybehewasright.Ihadn’thadasinglesexual
experiencethatI’denjoyedinsolong.WherewastheharmindoingsomethingifIwas
goingtoenjoyit?And…perhapsthefactthatFixandIwerestrangerswasagoodthing.
HelivedinNewYork.IlivedinSeattle.Itwasn’tasthoughIwasgoingtohavetodeal
withseeinghimwalkingthroughmycityeveryothernightoftheweek.He’dgohisway,
andtomorrow,assoonastheroadswereclear,I’dbespeedingtowardAmy’swedding.
Myearswerebuzzingasputdownthebottleoftequila,exhalingadeep,slowbreath.

Iwasgoingtoregretthis.IknewIwas.ButtomorrowwasfutureSera’sproblem,and

rightnow,Iwasdrunk,frustratedand,thankstothefactthatFixhadhisdickinhishand
andwaspumpingitupanddownwithintent,Iwasgettingincreasinglyturnedon.

Ididn’tsayanything.Instead,Iunbuttonedmyjeansandslidthemdownmylegs,

steelingmyself,beggingmyhandsnottoshakeasIranthemuptheinsidesofmythighs.

Itypicallytouchedmyselfeveryday.Itwasjustpartofmyshowerroutine.Being

watchedmadetheprocessfarmoreintense,though.Fix’schestbegantoriseandfalla
littlequicker,hiseyelidslowering,desirepouringoffhimashewatchedmepullmy
pantiestothesideandtentativelyrubmyself.

“Fuck,Sera.Yourpussyisincredible.You’resoakingwet.”Heloosedasoundthat

resembledasavagegrowl,andgoosebumpseruptedallovermyskin.Thiswassoweird.
Itwasstrange,anditwashot,anditwasgoingtomakemewishI’dneverbeenborn
tomorrow,butthelookonFix’sfacemademewanttocontinue.Hewasobservingmelike
Iwasthehottestthinghe’deverseen,anditmademefeellikeIwasdamnwellglowing.

“Showme,Sera,”hewhispered.“Letmelookatyou.”Hegottohisknees,

positioninghimselfattheendofthebed,andabriefmomentofpanicclawedatme.I
didn’tknowthisguy.Hecouldbecapableofanything,andIwastrappedinaroomwith
him,andtherewasastormragingoutside.NoonewouldhearmeifIcriedoutforhelp.
Overthehowlingwindandrain,myvoicewouldbedrownedoutandlost.DidIthinkhe
wasgoingtohurtme,though?IlookedupatFix,wherehewasnowkneelinginbetween
mylegs,andIonlysawdesireonhisface.Hiscockwasstandingproud,andIwantedit.I
finallyadmittedittomyself.Iwantedtofeelitinmyhands.Iwanteditinmymouth.
Andyeah,Iwantedhiminsideme,too.Ijustdidn’tknowifIwasgoingtobebrave
enough…

Isuckedinadeepbreath,andclosedmyeyes,thetipsofmyfingersworkinginsmall

circlesovermyclit.

“Shit,Sera.You’refuckingbeautiful.”

“What…whatdoyouwantmetodo?”Iasked,swallowingdownthelumpthathad

risentomythroat.

“Thisisn’taboutme,”Fixanswered.“Thisisaboutwhatyouwant.Ifyouwantmeto

watchyou,ifyouwantmetofuckyou,ifyouwantmetoleaveyoualone.Justsaythe
word.”

EverytimeIlookedathim,Iwastakenbysurprisealloveragain.Hewasn’tjust

goodlooking.Therewassomethingabouthimthatmademefeelverysmall.Hewasraw,
untappedpower,astormtrappedinsideabottle,andIgotthefeelingherageddayand
night,nomatterwhat.Itfeltunsafebeingsoclosetohim,likeIwasbeingdrawncloser
andcloseragainstmywill,andnomatterhowhardItriedtoresisthim,Ijustcouldn’t.
Movingslowly,Iunclippedmybraatthefront,underneathmyshirt,andthenIslippedthe
remainderofmyclothesovermyhead,tossingthemontothefloorbesideme.

“Fuck,”Fixsnarled.“Yourbreastsarejust…”Heraisedahand,thenimmediately

withdrewit.“They’refuckingphenomenal,Sera.”

“Youwanttotouchthem,”Isaidquietly.

Hedidn’tevenblink.“Yes.ButI’mnotgoingto.Notuntilyoutellmeyouwantme

to.”

“Ido.Wantyouto.Iwantyoutosuckandbiteonmynipples.”Ididn’tknowwhere

thathadcomefrom,butthemomentthewordswereoutofmymouth,Irealizedtheywere
true.Mybreastswereswollenandfull,mynipplesthrobbingalongwiththecrazedtattoo
ofmyheartbeat.Fixremainedabsolutelystillforamoment,asifwaitingformetochange
mymind.WhenIarchedmybackawayfromthebed,allowingmyeyestoshutterclosed,
hesworeviolentlyunderhisbreathandmoved.Hecuppedbothofmybreasts,testingthe
weightandthefullnessofthem,andthenhesqueezedandkneadedmyflesh,apained
groanslippingfreefromhismouth.

“You’dlooksogoodcoveredinmycome.”Hiswordssoundedlikemetalgrindingon

metal.“Yourbodyisfuckingflawless.”

Iknewthatwasn’ttrue.Ihadplentyofscarsandmarksallovermefromyearsof

fieldingSixsmith’sattentions,soIwasfarfromperfect.NoneofthatmatteredwhenFix
soothedme,runninghishandsovermyskin,though.Itwasfreeingtoletsomeonetouch
meandappreciatemethewayhewasdoing.Hedippeddown,andIgaspedashetookmy
leftnippleintohismouth,lightlygrazingitwithhisteethbeforehesucked.

“Iwant…”Istammeredoverthewords,notsurehowtojustspitthemout.“Iwantto

godownonyou.”Iinstantlyregrettedsayingthat,butitwastoolatetotakeitbacknow.
Fixleanedback,tracinghisfingersdownmycheek,overmyjawanddownthelengthof
myneck,hisfingerspausingovermycollarbone.

“Youdon’tsoundsosure.”

“Iam.”

“Youwantmetoslidemydickpastyourlips,downdeepintoyourthroat,Sera?”

“Yes.”

“Youwanttofeelmegettingharderandharderasyousuckonme?Youwanttotaste

me?”

“Yes!”Fuckmesideways.Hewasgoodwithwords.Goodatmakingmewanthim

morethanever,eventhoughIwasshotthroughwithnerves.

Fixleaneddown,sothathismouthwashoveringmereinchesawayfrommine.He

loweredhisvoice,andIcouldn’thelpbutshiverwhenhesaid,“Youwanttotakemy
come,Sera?Youwantitinyourmouth?Youwanttoswallowme?”

“Fuck…yes!”

“Good.Goodgirl.”

IopenedmyeyesasFixshiftedupmybody,kneelingoneithersideofmyhead.His

cockfilledmyvision,whichmademesecond-guessmyselfforamoment.Hewashuge.I
wasgoingtochokeonthatthing,andFixwasgoingtoloveit.Still,mypussywascrazy

wetasIpartedmylipsandFixpushedhimselfintomymouth.Iwasright:Icouldbarely
fithalfofhislengthinside.

Fixmovedslowly,gentlyrockinghimselfinandout,makingstrained,frustrated

soundsandasIsuckedandlickedathiscock.Hetastedkindofsweet—acompletely
unexpected,vaguelypleasantflavorthatwasn’tanywherenearassaltyasI’dimaginedit
wouldbe.Anglinghisbodyforward,Fixplantedhishandsagainstthewalls,supporting
himself,andbegantothrustharder.Icouldn’tevenswallowmyownsalivaaroundthe
girthofhim,butFixdidn’tseemtomind.Ipanteddownmynose,growingbraverand
bravereverytimehepushedhimselfinsidemymouthandIrealizedhowhardhewas
getting.Hewassofuckingturnedon.

“Yourlipslookamazingwrappedaroundmydick,”hegrowled.“I’mgonnabe

havingwetdreamsaboutthisforfuckingyears.”

Iwasn’tgoingtobeforgettingitanytimesooneither.Igraspedholdofthebaseofhis

cock,applyingpressurethere,rubbingmyhandupanddownasIsucked,andFix’sentire
bodyshuddered.“Ifyoukeepdoingthat,you’regoingtomakemecome,Sera.”

Itwasawarninginmorewaysthanone:hewaslettingmeknowtoexpectamouthful

ofcomeanysecondifIcontinueddownthispath,butalsothathewouldn’tbeabletodo
anythingelseifhefinished.DidIwanthimtofuckme?DidIreally,trulywanthiminside
me?Theanswer,despitetheremainingshredofcommonsenseIstillpossessedposthalfa
bottleoftequila,wasyes,Idid.Pushinghimback,Igaspedforbreath,stillrunningmy
handupanddownFix’scock.

“Iwantyouinsideme,”Itoldhim.“Iwantyoutofuckme.Iwantyoutomakeme

come.”

Fixbaredhisteeth,palmingmybreast,pinchingmynipplesohardthatIyelped.

“Howdoyouwantmetofuckyou?Bespecific.”

“Frombehind.Iwantyoutofuckmeashardasyoucan,”Isaid.“Iwantyoutomake

meseestars.”

“Oh,…Icandothat.”Ittooklessthanasecondforhimtoriphisshirtoverhishead,

andthenhewasnaked.Hischestandstomachwere…Iliterallyhadnothingevencloseto
comparethemto.Hewassounbelievablyperfect;helookedlikehehadbeenconjuredout
ofsomeone’sdream,notbornofreality.Hisskinwasalightgoldencolor,asun-kissedtan
thatprobablycamefromweeksspentoutinthesunshine.Iwantedtorunmyhandsover
him,toexploreandappreciateeverycurveanddefinedlineofmuscle,butFixhadother
ideas.

“Getonyourstomachandgetthatassintheair,”hecommandedroughly.“Makesure

you’respreadwideforme.”

Thankgodmybloodwasmostlyalcoholrightnow.I’dhavediedofembarrassmentif

someonespoketomelikethatwhileIwassober.Irolledontomyfrontandobeyedhim,
though,liftingmyassupintheairforhimtoinspect.

Heshowedhisappreciationbyslappingmyasscheek,nothardenoughtohurt,but

hardenoughtoleaveastinginghandprint.

“Ahhh!Shit!”

“Youwanteditrough,”Fixremindedme.“Tellmeifyouchangeyourmind.”The

soundhemadewhenherubbedthetipofhisdickovermypussyandmyasssentshivers
skatingallovermyskin.Hesoundedjustasturnedonasme,ifnotmore.Whenhepushed
himselfinsideme,Istifledamoanintothepillows.

“Fuck.Oh,fuck.That…that’stoomuch!”

Fixcurvedhisbodyoverme,hischesttomyback,andhiswarmbreathdancedover

myskinashewhisperedintomyear.“Breathe.Yourbodywillworkitout.Justgiveita
second.”

SoIbreathed.Threelong,deepbreaths,thenanother,andthenanother.Littlebylittle,

IrealizedFixwasright.Iwasrelaxing,stretchingtoaccommodatehiminsideme,andit
wasbeginningtofeelgood.IwhimperedasFixbeganthrustinghimselfinsideme,
rockinghimselfforward,holdingmebythehipsashegentlypusheddeeper.God,itwas
incrediblehowwetIwas.BythetimeFixreallybegantofuckme,Iwasreadyforhim
andbegginghimsilentlytotakeme.

Mypridewouldn’tallowmetobeghimoutloud,butintheendIdidn’tneedto.Fix

wasintunewithme,readingmybodyandrespondingaccordingly.I’dneverbeenoneof
thosewomenwhoscreamedthehousedownduringsex,butIcouldn’tstopmyselffrom
moaningandcryingouteverytimeFix’scockslammedintomypussy.Itfelt…shit,itfelt
sofuckingamazing.EspeciallywhenFixreachedaroundmybodyandbegantorubmy
clitatthesametime.Hewastalentedwithhisfingers,andhewasdefinitelytalentedwith
hiscock.

“Jesus.You’re…that’sgoingtomakemecome,”Ipanted.

Hedidn’treply.Hegrabbedahandfulofmyhairandpulledbackonitashefucked

mefaster,hissingbetweenhisteeth.

“Fuck.I’m—I’mgoingto—Ican’tstopit.I’m—”Iranoutofwordsandoxygenatthe

sametime,asFixrailedintome,hisfingersdiggingintomyskin.Myclimaxwasa
thousandfireworksignitinginsidemyhead,andIcouldn’tseeormoveorfeelmyway
aroundit.Icouldonlygowithit,allowingthespikesandwavesofpleasuretocourseover
andthroughmeasIcame.Itwasfuckingspectacular.

“Myturnnow,”Fixrumbledintomyear.“Doyouwantmetocome?”

“Yes.”Iexhaledthewordonanexhaustedbreath.

“Wheredoyouwantmetocome?”

“Insideme,”Itoldhim.“I’monbirthcontrol.”Theprospectofhimcominginsideme

turnedmeonmorethananythingeverhad.I’dneverletGarethcomeinsideme,even
thoughIreceivedthecontraceptiveinjectioneverythreemonths.I’djustneverwantedto
bethatintimatewithhim.ButwithFix,amanIdidn’tevenknow,andneverwould,I
wanteditsobadIcouldthinkofnothingelse.

“Allright.I’mgonnaletmyselfloose,”Fixspokeintomyear.“I’mnotgoingtohold

back.Youstillwantthis?”

“Yes!Fuckyes,Fix.Makemecomeagain.”

Frombehind,Fixwoundhishandaroundmybody,hisfingersclosinglightlyaround

mythroat.Hislipsbrushedmyearashespoke.“Oh,Iintendonit.Getready,Angel.”

Andhefuckedme.Herockedagainstme,slamminghimselfhome,makingme

screameverytimehepushedhimselfinsidemeasdeepashecould.Itfeltsogood.More
thangood.Itfeltfuckingamazing.

Whenhecameinsideme,Icalledout,myownorgasmrippingthroughmeatthe

sametime,andFixclungtomybody,holdingmetight,lockingmeinplaceashepumped
mefullofhiscome.Iwasbonetiredandwearywhenhespunmeoverandlaidmeouton
themattress.

“See?Beinggreedyisprettyfuckingawesome,”hesaidquietly.Hishandslipped

down,betweenmylegs,andmyeyesrolledbackintomyheadashedippedhisfingers
intomypussy.Theywerestickyandcoveredinhiscomewhenheheldthemupasecond
later.Iwastootiredtoaskhimwhathewasdoingasheusedhisfingertipstopaintaround
myareolasandthetightenedbudsofmynipples.Hepaintedalinedownmybelly,and
thenproceededtorubhissemenallovertheinsidesofmythighsandmyhips.Hesmirked
likethedevilhimselfwhenherubbedhisfingersagainstmylips,andIusedthetipofmy
tonguetotastehim.

“BadAngel,”hewhispered,smilingasiftohimself.“Closeyoureyesnow.It’stime

togetsomerest.”

FOUR

DEBT

SERA

Howcoulditstillberaining?Waterdropletspeltedatthewindows,thesoundoffingers
insistentlydrummingagainstatabletop,andweak,greyedmorninglightekedthroughthe
yellowednetcurtainsthathadbeenhungfromacheaplengthofplasticcoatedwire,
suspendedhaphazardlyfromhooksscreweddirectlyintotheceiling.Iclosedmyeyes,
groaninginternally.Whattimewasit?I’dbeengettingupearlymywholelife—my
internalbodyclocktypicallywokemeataroundsixinthemorning.Judgingbythesun’s
anemicattemptatdawn,todaywasnodifferent.Ireachedoutformyphone,pattingmy
handagainstthesurfaceofthenightstandbeforelocatingthedeviceanddraggingit
underneaththecoverswithme.Crackingjustoneeye,Iinspectedthescreen,already
preparedtobeangryatwhateverwasdisplayedthere.Theclockreadtwelveminutespast
six.Great.ThereweretwotextmessagesfromAmy,askingmetocallandletherknow
whatwashappeningassoonasIcould,andthreemissedcallsfromBen,whowas
probablyhavinganapoplecticfitbynow.Nomessagesfromtheoffice,though.None
fromColby,mydogsitter,andnonefromSadie.

Ithrewbackthecovers,resistingtheurgetonursemyskull.Itwasmyownfaultthat

myheadwaspounding.That’swhathappenedwhenyousmashedawholebottleof
tequila.Only…

Ohshit.

Ihadn’tfinishedthatbottlealone.I’dshareditwithadirtymouthedingratenamed

Fix,and…ohmygod.I’dfuckedthebastard.

IlaidasstillasIcouldforasecond,figuringoutmyoptions.Themattressnexttome

wascold,whichmeanthehadn’tsleptbesideme.Thatwasarelief.Butitwasearly—he
wasprobablystillcrashedoutintheotherbed.Fuck.

Thiswasso,sotypical.Iwasmyownworstenemy;withoutfail,Iwasblessedwith

theuncannyabilityoftakingabadsituationandmakingitevenfuckingworse.Timeto
getallmycrapbackintotherentalandgetthefuckoutofhere.Andbeforemyasshat
roommatewokeup,too.Only,whenIspunaround,readytosneakintothebathroomto
quicklybrushmyteethbeforeheadingout,Fixwasnowheretobeseen.Hisbedwas
untouched,hissheetsonlyrumpledalittlefromwherehe’dplacedhisbagonitlastnight.
Thebagwhichwasnowgone.Turningover,Isawtheindentioninthepillownexttome,

thecomforterthrownbackontheothersideofthebed,andIgrowledtomyself.Hehad
sleptinthebedwithme.He’djustgottenupanddisappearedalready.Ididn’tknowwhy,
butitirkedmethathe’dmanagedtoleavebeforeme.Itwouldhavebeenfarmore
gratifyingtohavebeentheonetosneakoutonhim,nottheotherwayaround.

Igotdressed,treatedmyselftoatwo-minuteshower,anddashedtothecar,swearing

loudlyatthefactthatIwas,yetagain,gettingdrenchedbyrain.Ittookthirtysecondsto
tossmybagsintothetrunkoftherental.Ihadn’teatenlastnightandmystomachwas
grumblingloudly.TheLibertyFieldsGuestHousesignoutsidethebuildingclaimedthe
motelofferedacontinentalbreakfastbetweenthehoursofsevenandnine,butIwasn’t
goingtohangaroundtocheckoutwhateverpaltryofofferingwasgoingtobelaidoutin
thelobby.Hellno.I’dgrabsomethingontheroad,onceI’dleftLibertyFieldsfarbehind,
andthenightmarishplacehaddisappearedfrommyrearviewmirroraltogether.

Twenty-twohoursandseventeenminutes:theamountoftimeitwasnowgoingto

takemetogettoFairhope,whenIpluggedthelocationofthechurchintothenavigation
apponmyphone.Theceremonywasalateone—twopm—andlastnightAimshadsaid
shecouldpushbacktheceremonyalittletoaccommodatemytardinessifsheneededto.
Sotherewastime.Againstalltheodds,Iwasgoingtomakeit.Thankfuckforthat.

Istartedtheengine,spunthewheel,hittheaccelerator,andaloud,offensivegrinding

soundassaultedmyears.Whatthehellwasthat?Thecarlurchedforward,butitfelt
uneven.Wrong.Oh,no.Oh,no.Thiswasn’thappening.Was.Not.Happening.

Isatverystillforamoment,staringstraightaheadoutofthecar,myhandsgripping

holdofthesteeringwheel,whilemyminddidbackflips.Ididn’tknowathingaboutcars.
Ididn’thaveacluewhatwaswrongwiththevehicle,butitdidn’tsoundgood.Itcertainly
didn’tsoundlikesomethingthatwasgoingtogoawayallonitsown.Theworldoutside
wasablurofgrey,andblueandbrownassheetsofwaterstreameddownthewindshield.I
hadTripleA.Icouldcallthemandsomeonewouldcomeandresolvetheissueformefor
free,buthowlongwouldittakethemtoarrive?Inthisweather,withsomanypeople
strugglingtogetfromAtoB,itwouldbehours,andIdidn’thavehours.

Aknockonmywindowstartledme,disturbingmydownwarddescentintodespair.I

nearlyscreamedwithfrustrationatthedark,distortedfigurestandingnexttomycar,but
insteadIgrowledundermybreath,slappingmypalmagainstthecenterconsoleofthe
rental.AgustofwindblewintothecarwhenIbuzzeddownthewindow,andthefreezing
coldblastofrainwaterhitmesquareintheface.ItwasFix.OfcourseitwasFix.Hewas
wearingablackt-shirtandshorts,andbothitemsofclothingwerewaterlogged,plastered
tohisbody.Hewascoveredinmud,hissneakerssobadlycakedinthestuffthatIcouldn’t
evenseewhatcolortheywere,andhisbarecalveslookedlikethey’dbeensprayeddown
withdirt.Hisfacewasblankasheduckeddown,restinghisforearmsagainstthedriver’s
sidedoorofthecar.

“Whathaveyoubeendoing?”Ihissedathim.

“Whatdoesitlooklike?Iwentforarun.”Hishairwasspikywithwater,thelonger

strandsontopofhisheadslickedbackoutofhisface.Itwasridiculouslyunfair:he’d

beentoosexytoresistlastnight,andnow,lookinglikehe’djustcompletedanassault
course,soakedtotheskin,hewasevensexier.Dark,brooding,anddelicious.Irailed
againstthewaymyheartrattledatthebarsofmyribcage,lettingmeknowexactlywhatit
thoughtaboutFelixMarcosa,postrun.Iwasdoingmybesttomastermyfeaturesintoan
expressionvoidofanyemotion,butIwasgivingtoomuchaway,Icouldtell.

“Whogoesforaruninthiskindof—ugh,nevermind.”Ishookmyhead,slappingmy

palmagainstthesteeringwheel.“Mycar’sbroken.”

“Notyourcar.Yourwheels.Youhaveaflat.”

“Oh.Isthatit?”Thatwasarelief.Aflatwaseasy.AflatwasactuallysomethingI

couldtakecareofmyself.“Ihaveaspareinthetrunk.”

“Oneisn’tgonnacutit,”Fixsaidcasually,tappinghisfingernailagainstthelipofthe

window.“Youhavethreeflats.”

“What?Three?Howcanyoutell?”

Fixlookeddown,aghostofasmileliftingatthecornersofhiswretched,perfect,

talentedmouth.Lord,themanwasdivine.“Well.You’resittingontherims.Butitwasthe
huge,6-inchgashesintherubberthatreallygaveitaway.”

“Thatisnotpossible.”Iunfastenedmyseatbeltandscrambledoutofthecar,gasping

whenIsawthestateofmytires.Theywerecompletelydeflatedonthisside,andjustas
Fixhadsaid,therewerehuge,deeptearsintherubber.“How?”Isquatteddown,sticking
myfingerdirectlyintothetire,throughthegapinghole.“There’snowayarockdidthis.”

Fixleanedhisassagainstthehoodoftherental,foldinghisarmsacrosshischest.

“Yeah.Youcansafelyruleoutaccidentonthisone.”

“Youmeansomeonedidthisonpurpose?”Assoonasthewordsleftmylips,I

rocketedtomyfeet,mymouthhangingopenlikeaVenusflytrap,waitingtocatchits
dinner.“You!”Ijabbedhiminthechestwithmyindexfinger,ragespillingoutofme.
“Youdidthis!”

Fixletoutarumbleoflaughter,hisheadtippingbackasheroared.“Whythefuck

wouldIdothat?Ilikemyballshangingrightherebetweenmylegs,Angel.”

“Gross.Don’ttalkaboutyourballs.”

“Whynot?”Hepracticallypurredthewords.“Youseemedtoappreciatethemplenty

lastnightwhentheywereslappingyourpussyasIfuckedyoufrombehind.”

“Holy…”Hewassuchapig.Ishookmyhead,thencockedittooneside.“Whatthe

fuckiswrongwithyou?Just…stop.Don’tbringuplastnightagain.There’snoneedfor
ustorehashmydrunkenstupidity.”

“ButI’dlovetorehashit.”Hewasleonine.Aconsummatepredator.Ididn’tstanda

chanceagainsthim—notwithhissoakingclothesdisplayingeveryoutrageouscurveand
lineofhismuscularchest.

“Justquitit.You’retheonlypersonherewho’dslashmytires!”Icried.Ithadtobe

him.Ithadtobe.

“Lastnightwasprettyfuckingphenomenal,Sera.Iverymuchappreciatedyour

incrediblebody,nottomentionyourtalentedmouth.Asofrightnow,I’dsayI’mprobably
theonlypersoninLibertyFieldswhowouldn’twanttoslashyourtires.”

Isetmyjaw,glaringathimwiththeforceofathousandvolatilesuns.“Ithoughtwe

justagreedweweren’tgoingtotalkaboutlastnight.”

DropletsofwatercourseddownFix’sface.Helickedhiswetlips,andmymind

transportedmebacktohisnakedformlastnight,andthewayhe’drunhishandupand
downhishard-on,lookinglikehewantedtosinkhisteethintome.Oh,forcryingout
loud…

Hesmirked,asifheknewexactlywhatIwasthinkingabout.“Maybeyoushouldjust

belessrudetopeopleyoumeetinthemiddleofastorm.”

“Thisisn’tfunny,Fix!Mysister’sgoingtokillme.IsworeIwouldn’tletherdown,

andnowI’mgoingtodoexactlythat.I’mtheonlypersonshe’severbeenabletorelyon.
I’mtheonlypersoninherwholeentirelifethathasn’tcontinuallydroppedtheball.And
nowI’mgoingtobreakapromiseImadetoher,andit’sallyourfault.”

Fixheldhishandsaloftintheair,pushingawayfromthecar.“Thishasnothingtodo

withme.Iswearit.Ididnottouchyourcar.”

Theworstpartwasthathereallydidlooklikehewastellingthetruth.Itwouldhave

beenfarmoreconvenientformetoblamehim,becausehewasstandingrightinfrontof
me.Icouldhavetakenmyangerandfrustrationoutonhim,andImighthavefeltalittle
betteratleast.Butwithhimapparentlyinnocentofthecrime…Idraggedmyhandsback
throughmyhair,fightingbacktears.Howmanymorethingscouldpossiblygowrongon
thistrip?Itdidn’tevenbearthinkingabout.

“Allright.”Iscrutinizedhisstupid,handsomefaceoutofthecornerofmyeye.“If

you’resogoodatfixingthings,Felix,fixthis.”Myvoicewassmallandpleading.“Please.
Ireallyneedsomehelprightnow,orI’mgoingtolosemymind.”

ThesmileonFix’sfaceslippedalittle.Hisshouldersdroppedatleastthreeinches,

andastrangelookformedonhisface.Alookthatresembledquietsurprise.“Ihavean
appointmenttokeepthismorning,”heslowly.“AnappointmentIcan’tbreak.”

“Thengo!Takecareofyourappointment,andI’llmeetyouinLibertyFields.Ijust

needaridetothenexttownover.ThenextplaceIcanrentanothercar.Anywhere.Please!
Justgetmebacktocivilization.I’llforeverbeinyourdebt.”

Fixseemedtothinkthisthrough.Forasecond,Iwassurehewasgoingtosayno,and

myeyesbegantostinglikethemiserabletraitorsthattheywere.Eventually,hesaid,“I
gaveyouthebestfuckingofyourlifelastnight,SeraLafferty.You’realreadyinmydebt.
ButI’llgiveyouanotherride,”hesaid,mischiefandarroganceflashinginhiseyes.“And
you’llowemeafavor,toberepaidatalaterdate.Dowehaveanaccord?”

“Yousoundlikeapirate,”Igrumbled.

“Sera…”

“Yes,yes,fine.I’lloweyouafavor.Idon’tseehowyou’regonnacashitinwhenwe

liveonoppositesidesofthecountry,butwhatever.Youhaveyourselfadeal.”

FIVE

ALL-AMERICANSCRAMBLER

FIX

Ifshehadn’tbeensoobviouslydistressedandsorryforherselfintheparkinglot,I
wouldn’thaveagreedtodriveheranywhere.ButwhenSeralookedatmelikeIwasher
onlyhope,andshe’daskedmeforhelp,I’dfuckingcaved.Hopeless.Ishouldn’thavestill
beenhangingaroundLibertyFields.Itwasamiraclethattwojobshadconverged,
miraculouslyrightontopofoneanother.Ishouldhavecompletedbothofthemalready
andbeenonmywaybacktoNewYork,but…

Iwasdistracted.

Serahadthoroughlydistractedme,andIwasn’treadytogiveherupjustyet.That

mademecruel,andwicked,andevil,andathousandotherthingsincludingstupid,butI’d
neverfalteredbefore.I’dneverdroppedtheball.Iwasn’tgoingtonow.Iwasentitledtoa
littlefun,though.

ThatwaswhatItoldmyself.

Alongtimeago,peopleusedtoaskmeforhelpallthelivelongday.Ithadbeenmy

jobtohelppeople,andIusedtolikedoingit.Alothadchangedsincethen.I’dlost
myself,nottomentionmysoul,ontheroadabouttenthousandmilesago,andI’dnever
turnedbacktofindeither.IshouldhavegottenintomytruckanddrivenawayfromSera
andherdestroyedcarjustnow,but…Ijustcouldn’t.I’dlikedthewaymynamesounded
onherlips.Ithadbeenhotterthanfuckhearingherpantingitoverandoverintomyear
lastnight.AndsowhatifIwantedtohearhersayitacouplemoretimesbeforeIended
this?Shewasdifferent.Igotthesneakingsuspicionthatshewasmorethanalittlebroken
inside.She’dobviouslybeenthroughhellatsomepoint,buttheflameshadforgedher,not
burnedhertoash.Inalotofways,sheremindedmeofMonica.

Ihadn’tslashedhertires.Ihadnoideawhothefuckhaddoneit,butIwantedtopat

themonthebackandalsoshoveawhittleddowntoothbrushthrougheachoftheireyeballs
forcreatingthissituation,thatwasalreadyseriouslycomplicatedenough.

I’dchangedoutofmywetrunninggearanddressedinsomethingalittlemore

murder-appropriate—blackpants,blackshirt,blackleatherdrivingglovesandaballcap
—beforeheadingouttoFranzHalford’sautomechanic’sshop.AsIpilotedmyway
throughanetworkofroadsthatboreacloserresemblancetoswampsthanhighways,kind
ofenjoyingthehugespraythatwentupfrombothfronttireswheneverIwentthrougha

particularlydeeppatchofstandingwater,Icountednolessthanthreeoverturnedvehicles,
sittingontheirroofs,waitingtobehauledoutofditchesandawayfromthemedians.

AttheturnoffIneededtotakeinordertoreachtheautoshop,arowofpowerlines

hadcollapsed,andaconfusionofcables,tangledandsparking,werecausinghavocfor
passingdrivers,whocouldn’tquitefigureouthowtocircumnavigatethemwithout
electrocutingthemselvesanddyinghorribly.Alargewomanwithatabbycattuckedunder
herarm,wearingabrightyellowwaterproofjacket,seemedtobetryingtodirectthe
traffic,butshedidn’tseemtoknowwhatshewasdoingeither,soIwheeledaroundher
andthefastgrowinglineofcarsandmadetheturnregardless.

Idiots.

I’dallowedmyphonetogodeadlastnight—therewasnothingmoredistractingthan

aniratewomansendingyouathousandtextmessageswhenyouweretryingtofucking
come—butI’dpluggeditintochargewhenIclimbedintothetruck.Thescreenfinallylit
upasItookaleftandpulledintotheclutteredparkinglotofHalford’sFamilyAutoand
Lube,andIbracedmyselfforalitanyofmessagesfromMonica.Nothingcamethrough,
though.Nothingatall.Thatwasfuckingweird.She’dsaidsheneededmetocallher
immediately,andwhenMonicasaidimmediately,shemeantyesterday.Herpatiencewas
wearingthinwithme,Iknewthat,butfuckmeifshedidn’tmakemylifeharder.Iwas
usedtohavingheraroundnow.Iwasusedtoherpanickedoutbursts,andherneedforme
tocheckineveryday.Ishouldprobablyhavecutherloosebynow,butitwasn’tthateasy.
Ididn’treallyhavetherighttodothattoher,either.

Therusting,spray-paintedrollershuttersthatfrontedHalford’sFamilyAuto&Lube

werestillfirmlyshutandverylocked,andahuge,fat,tarnishedpadlockwasglintingin
theweakearlymorninglight.Didn’tlooklikeFranzwasanearlyriser.Didn’tlooklike
anyonewasattheshopatall,thoughitwasreallyfuckinghardtotellwithallthedecrepit
vehiclesthatweresittingtheparkinglot.Givenallofthedirt,corrosion,smashedglass
andbaldtires,itwashardtoimagineanyofthecarswererunning,butwhofucking
knew…

Acrossthestreet,theneon‘open’signofadingylookingcaféflickeredtolife,

causingaredglowtobereflectedacrossthesurfaceofthefamily-sizedswimmingpool
thathadformedincafé’sparkinglot.HotDonuts!Freshcoffee!AllAmericanScrambler
Breakfast!Ireadthesigninthewindow,notreallypayingmuchattention.Thefoodwould
beshit.Thecoffeewouldbeshit.Theirdonutshadprobablybeengatheringdustandrat
crapsprinklesfordays,butIstillgotoutofthetruck,poppedthecollarofmyjacket,
shovedmyhandsinmypocketsandranacrossthenowemptyroad.Mysockswere
soakedinlessthanasecond.

Frominsidethediner,Ihadaperfectviewoftheautoshop;there’dbenochanceI’d

missthecomingsandgoingsofoneFranzHalfordfromtheboothIselectedrightinthe
window,soIsatmyassdownonthecrackedandpeelingfauxleatherseatandpretended
toreadthestickylaminatedmenuthatwasproppedbetweenthesaltandpeppershakers
onthetableinfrontofme.Thegarish,verybadlytaken,veryunappealingphotosoflimp
toastandrubberyeggsdidnothingtoinspirehungerinme.Committinghomicidewas

usuallysomethingIlikedtodoonanemptystomach—thingshadawayofgettingreally
fuckingmessy,afterall.Peopleshitthemselves.Theyvomited.Theybledalloverthe
goddamnplace.I’dlearnedmylessoninthepast:foodwasneveragoodideawhenthe
potentialforbodilyfluidswassohigh.Iorderedablackcoffeefromapimple-facedwaiter
whenhefinallydecidedtocomeoverandcheckonme,andthatwasit.Thepoorbastard
seemeddisappointed.

Anhourpassed,andthecaffeineinmyveinsbegantomakemeantsy.Normally,

patiencewasoneofmystrongpoints.Imean,thelastjobI’ddonerequiredmetohunker
downforfivehoursinaforest,amongsttheleaflitteranddeadtreebranchesformy
quarrytocomealong,andthathadn’tfazedmeonebit.WaitingforFranzHalfordthis
morningwashellonearth,though,andIknewwhy.Itwasherfault.Sera’s.God,her
mouthreallyhadbeensofuckingperfect,pouting,wrappedaroundmyharddick.And
whenshe’dturnedoverandpresentedherasstome,I’dknownIwasinfuckingtrouble.
Myjobwasnowalmostimpossible,becauseI’dbeenstupidenoughtothinkwithmy
dick.Seraoozedsexappealfromeveryporeofherbeautifullycrafted,stunningfucking
body.Shewelcomedagoodfuckingwitheverysidewaysglanceshesentyou,butshedid
sounintentionally,withoutexpectationoranytrueknowledgethatshewasevendoingit.
Basically,shewasthelivingembodimentofeverythingthatturnedmeon.AndIwasstill
fuckingturnedon.Mydickhadn’tstoppedragingsincelastnight—ithadstillbeenhard
enoughtocrackconcretethismorningwhenI’dwokeup.I’dhadtoruninthepissingrain
justtostopmyselffromslidingmyfingersinsideherwhilesheslept.Evennow,sittingin
thebooth,beinghandedlukewarm,disgustingcoffeeinaverydirtycupbyateenagerwho
lookedlikehemightnotbeallthatcleanhimself,mycockwasthrobbinglikeapulsing
beacon.

Thewayshe’dhesitantlywrappedherhandaroundme…

Thewayhereyeshadflashedwhenshe’dsqueezedandfelthowthickandreadyI

was…

Thewayshe’dinadvertentlywetherbottomlipwiththepinktipofthatdelicatelittle

tongueofhers…

Shit.Ineededtogojerkoffinthebathroom.Thesekindsofthoughtswoulddo

nothingbutclawatmymind,demandingmyattention,distractingmefromthetaskat
hand,andthiswasn’talineofworkyoucouldbumbleyourwaythrough.Ineededtobe
sharp.Focused.Singleminded.SolongasSeraLafferty’sprettypinkpussyfoggingmy
brain,I’dneverbeabletogetanythingdone.

Gettingup,Irearrangedmycockinmypantstoavoidanyembarrassment,andthen

mademywayintotherestrooms.Theywereclean,atleast,andsmelledfaintlylike
lemon.Plentyofpapertowels.Igrabbedacoupleandlockedmyselfintoastall,dropping
mypantsandpressingahandagainstthebackwall.Icouldmakemyselfcomeinlessthan
aminuteifIwantedto.Thememoryoflastnight,ofSeralookingsoperfectandfrankly
fuckingedible,deservedmorerespectthanthat,though.Iworkedmyhandupanddown
theshaftofmycockslowlyatfirst,relishingthepressureandthebuzzofpleasurethat
begantotingleatthebaseofmydick.Fuck,thatfeltgood.NotasgoodasSera’smouth,

butstill…

Istrokedfaster,suckinginadeepbreathandholdingitinsidemychest.Shelookedso

fuckinghotthismorning,herhairdampandcurlingattheends,herdarkeyesflashing
withrageassherealizedwhatsomeonehaddonetohercar.Hershirthadbeentightanda
littlewetfromtherain;theveryfirstthingI’dnoticedwhenshe’dloweredherwindowto
scowlatmewashertightnipples,pokingoutofthematerialatme.I’dtakenthemintomy
mouthlastnight.I’dlickedandI’dsuckedthem.I’dpinchedandrolledthem,knowingall
toowellthatSerawouldenjoythefrissonofpainracingbetweenherbreastsandhercunt.

God,she’dopenedupsonicelyforme.She’dsmelledsofuckinggood.Herpussy

juicehadcoatedmorethanjustmycock;I’dreveledinthesilkyfeelingofherexcitement
betweenthepadofmythumbandmyindexfinger.Nexttime,Iwasgoingtolapather
likeahungrydog,andIwasgoingtogobackforseconds.

Isuckedinafreshlungfulofoxygen,holdingthatoneinmychest,too.Mymind

transportedmebacktothemomentwhenIwasabouttothrustintoSeraforthefirsttime,
andmyballstightened,mycockpulsinginmyhand.Thetipglistenedwithpre-cum,andI
couldn’thelpit.Iimaginedheronherknees,herhandswrappedaroundmyshaft,thetip
ofhertonguedartingbetweenherlipsasshegentlylickedtheclearfluidfromme,andmy
legsthreatenedtobailonme.

Fuck,itwaswrongofme,butIwantedheragain.Lastnightshouldneverhave

happened,butitdid,andnow?Urgh.Iwasnevergoingtostopwantingher.Ishould
completemyworkandgo.IshouldjustdowhatIcameheretodoandgetthefuckoutof
here,butthatwasthingaboutshould,though.Peoplerarelyeverpaidanyheedto
somethingtheyshoulddo.Shouldwasrear-viewmirrorknowledge,arighthandturnthat
youcouldstillseeoveryourshoulderifyouturnedaroundfarenoughtocatchitoutofthe
cornerofyoureye.Theturningwasstillthere.Youcouldstillmakeit,ifyouperformed
anemergencyone-eightyandheadedbackintheoppositedirection.Butsomehowyour
footalwaysstayedonthegas,pressingyoutowarddisaster,andtherewasnothingyou
coulddoaboutit.

Iwasn’tgoingtoleaveSerahereinLibertyFieldstoday.Iwasgoingtocollecther

fromthemotelassoonasmytaskwascomplete,andthenitwasinevitable.Iwasgoingto
fuckheragain.Iwasgoingtocharmtheever-lovingshitoutofher,andshewasgoingto
belaidflatonthebackseatofthetruck,panting,diggingherfingernailsintomybackall
overagain.AndIwasgoingtoloveeverysecondofit.

God,itwassowrong…

Iscrewedmyeyesshut,changingoutmybreathagain,bitingdownontheinsideof

mycheekasIfeltmyselfslippingandslidingtowardoblivion.Myhandwascoatedwith
pre-cumnow,slickwiththeviscousfluid,whichmaderunningmyhandupanddownall
themoreenjoyable.ItwaseasytopretendthatIwasfuckingher.ItwaseasytoimagineI
waspushingmyselfintoherhot,wet,slickpussy.Tooeasy.Itippedmyheadback,
strainingasIteeteredonthebrinkofcoming,holdingitbackforaslongasIcould.

Hereyes,though…

Hermouth.

Herhands.

Herbreasts.

Herspreadthighs,andthefragile,palepinkbetweenherlegs,redderanddarker

whereIslidmyselfinsideofher…

Fuck…

Oh,fuck…

NowayIwasgoingtobeabletoholditback.Iopenedmymouthandblastedoutthe

airinsidemylungs,makingsuretheroarthatescapedmewasasilent,wordlessone.My
cockthrobbedonce,twice,threetimesasIcame,sendingoutjetsofhot,whiteejaculate
thathitthewallbehindthetoilet.Myvisiondanced.I’dcomehardlastnight,I’dexpected
itthen,butnow,jerkingoff?Itshouldn’thavefeltthatfuckinggood.Itshouldn’thavefelt
sofuckingincrediblethatIlostcontrolandblewmyloadalloveramotherfucking
breezeblockwall.Whatthefuckwasthat?

IfeltalittleunsteadyasIwipedmyselfoffandputmydickaway.Mylegswerejelly,

andthebackofmyneckwasburning,hotterthanusual,thetipsofmyearspricklingwith
pinsandneedles.ForasecondIconsideredleavingmycomerunningdownthewall,but
thenIthoughtbetterofit.LeavingconsiderabledepositsofDNAlyingaroundwasone
thing,butwhenyouwereabouttocommitacrimedirectlyacrossthestreet?Yeah,that
wouldn’thavebeenthesmartestmoveonmypart.Tookmeaminutetodoawaywithmy
mess,andanotherthirtysecondstowashmyhands,straightenupmyhairandmyjacket,
andthenIexitedthebathroomandwenttolocatemycoffee.

Sittingoppositemybooth,anothercustomerhadcomeinwhileIwasbusyintheback

cleaningmyrifle.IrecognizedhimthemomentIlaideyesonhim,butmyexpressionand
mybodylanguagedidn’tchange.Theworldhadshifted,buttotheacneriddenserverand
thebalding,overweightguysittingatthebar,squintingatamenu,everythingappeared
completelynormal.

“I’lltakethepancakes,Jason.AndmakesureHerbdoesn’tskimponthesyrupthis

time.LasttimeIordered‘em,theycameoutdrier’nmygrandmammy’scooter.”

Jasonblanchedalittle—probablywasagoodchurch-goingboy.Probablyonlyheard

wordslikecooterandreferencestothembeingdrywhenhewashere,workinginthis
shithole.FranzHalforddidn’tseemtorealizehe’dmadetheboyuncomfortable,though.
Hedroppedthemenudownonthecounterandpulledatinoftobacco,poppingthelidand
thumbingasmallamountofitscontentsunderneathhistoplip.WhywasInotsurprised
theguydipped?Suchagross,nastyhabit.IenjoyedacigarettemoreoftenthatIshould,
butshovingthatshitdirectlyintoyourmouthmademewanttogag.

I’dbeencarefulnottomakeeyecontactwithFranzasIsatdownandsettledmyself

backinthebooth,pickingupmycoffeemugandtakingasip.Iwasafucking
professional,forgod’ssake.I’dgivenhimabsolutelynoreasontotalktomewhatsoever,
butwhenJason,theserver,turnedaroundandwenttohandinFranz’sordertothekitchen,

themiserablefuckerturnedaroundonhisstoolandgrinnedatme,aflashofbrownliquid
runningoverhisteethashedidso.

“Howyouenjoyin’thishereweather?”heasked.ThenhedidsomethingIjustcould

notfathom.Heturnedhisheadandhespatonthefloor.I’djustbeenflingingmycome
aroundinthebathroomlikeaderangedmonkeythatcouldn’tstoptouchingitsownjunk,
butthiswasfar,farworse.Thiswasfuckingunforgiveable.

Ihidmydisdain.Ihidmyviolence—theviolencethatlivedundermyskinatall

times,beggingtobeunleashed.IhidthefactthatIwantedtopulloutthegunIhadresting
inaholsterinthesmallofmybackatthatverysamemomentwesatthere.Iplastereda
broadsmileonmyfacethatsaid,Hey!I’mutterlyenamoredbyyourauthenticSouthern
charmandIamabso-fucking-lutelythrilledthatyoudecidedtotalktome,kindsir.“We
sureashelldon’tgetrainlikethiswhereI’mfrom,”Iannounced.Toatrainedear,the
laughterIforcedoutofmenextmightpossiblyhavesoundedalittlemanicandunhinged,
butFranzdidn’tbataneyelid.Hepointedtothebenchoppositemeinthebooth,waggling
hisbushyeyebrowsupanddown.

“Youwantsomecompanywhileyouhaveyourmornin’Joe,oryouwannabeleft

alone?Idon’tmindeitherway.Ijustthoughtyoumightliketoenjoysomeofthelocal
color,seein’ashowy’ain’tfrom‘roundhereandall.”

Igesturedtotheseatoppositeandshruggedashoulder,shakingmyhead.“Please.Be

myguest.”

Halfordslidfromhisstool,hikinghisbaggy,stainedjeansupononeside,thoughthe

actionwaspointless.HisbellywasstickingoutfrombeneaththehemofhisBudweisert-
shirt,andhangingoverhiswaistbandatthesametime—nomatterhowmanytimeshe
pulledhispantsup,therewasnowayhisconsiderablebellywasgoingtoallowthemto
stayup.Themangruntedlikeawalrusasheloweredhimselfdownintotheseat,then
removedhissweat-rimmedbaseballcapandwipedhisforeheadwiththebackofhishand,
beforereturningthecaptothecrownofhishead.

“Igottasay,peopletellmeI’mprettygoodatfigurin’wherepeoplearefrom,sir.I

canidentifyanaccentfromtheothersideofacrowdedroom,andI’mprettysureIgot
youpegged.I’dbewillingtobetgoodmoneythatyou’refromMinnesotaorthelike.”
Franz’seyebrowsweremorethanbushy.Theywerelikefurrycaterpillarsthathad
crawledupontohisforeheadandhadthemisfortunetogetstuckthere.Icouldn’tstop
staringatthem—mostlygrey,withastripeofgingerinthecenterofeach.Weird.

“IamfromMinnesota!That’sreallydamnimpressive,”Itoldhim,takinganother

mouthfulofcoffee.Fuckknowswho’dsaidhewasgoodwithaccents,buttheyweredead
fuckingwrong.TheMinnesotanaccentboreabsolutelynoresemblancetothethick
ChicagoaccentIwasputtingonjustforhim.Screwit.Lethimbelievewhathewantedto
believe.FromthepowerfulwavesofJackDanielsthatwerewaftingacrossthetable,and
theloose,waterygrinonFranz’sface,therewasahighprobabilitythattheguywasstill
drunkfromlastnight.Itwasbestnottoantagonizehalf-drunkpeoplebydisagreeingwith
them.

“Youwereinthearmy,weren’tyou?”Franzsays,hiseyesglazingoveralittle.“You

gotthatlookaboutyou.”

“Andwhatlookwouldthatbe?”Isay,smilingeasily:alie,atrick,atrap.Aspider

weavinghiswebwithpracticeandease.

“Back’stoostraightforacivilian.Andyoureyesarequick,”hetoldme,scratchingat

theredscruffonhischin.“You’relookingateverythinghere,figuringitallout.”

Iloweredmyhead—ashowofdeference—laughingalittleundermybreath.“Sadto

say,I’veneverserved.WishIhad,though.I’dprobablyhavegottenalotoutofitwhenI
wasyounger.”

Franznoddedenthusiastically,thenspatontheflooragain.Urgh.Bastard.“Iwasin

thearmyforfifteenyears,”hesaid.“Bestyearsofmylife,too.Protectedthefreedomof
myfellowAmericancitizens.Gottoseetheworld.Andgotmydicksuckedmoretimes’n
Icancount!”Heslappedthetable,eyesdisappearingintoslitsasheburstoutlaughing,
hisbellyspillingoverontothetable.

Thiswasgettingworseandworsebythesecond.Thingswouldhavebeenfarsimpler

ifI’drunintoFranzoverattheautoshop;nowthepieceofshitwasorderingbreakfast,
andIwasgoingtohavetositherewithhimuntilhefuckingfinished.

No.

Justno.

Completelyignoringhislaststatement,Istabbedafingeroutofthewindowatthe

shopacrossthestreet,frowningslightly.“Hey,friend?Idon’tsupposeyouknowifthat
autoplaceisgonnaopentoday?Mytruck’smakingarattlingnoise.I’malittleworried
aboutdrivingitinthisweatherwithoutgettingitcheckedoutfirst.”

Franzsatbackinhisseat,puffinghischestoutwithanunreasonableamountofpride.

“Thatplacemostdefinitelyisgoingtoopenuptoday.I’mFranzHalford.Iownthe
place.”Hethrustouthishandtowardme,waitingformetoshakeit,facesplitopenwitha
grin,likehe’djustsurprisedmewiththebiggestsecretknowntomanorsomething.I
shook,unhappyaboutthecontact,feigningamusementtorivalFranz’s.

“That’swellmet,then.I’mluckytohaverunintoyou.Alltheotherplacesintown

areclosed.”

Franzpulledaface,wavingmeoffwithanunsteadyflickofhiswrist.“Those

motherfuckersoveratDimson’sarecriminals,man.Fuckingimmigrants.Don’tspeaka
wordofEnglishbetween‘em.Theyain’teveropenbeforemidday,andwhenyoudocatch
‘emopen,they’lloverchangeyoubyacouple’ahundredbuckseverysinglegoddamn
time.It’sunchristianiswhatitis.”

Ashiverofannoyanceraceddownmyspine,butonceagainImanagedtohidemy

reactiontothegrotesquehumanbeinginfrontofme.“ThenIreallywillconsidermyself
lucky.Listen,”Isaid,makingashowoflookingdowntoglanceatmywatch.“Iheardyou
orderingbreakfastandall,butIwaswondering…I’minaserioushurry.IfIpickedup

yourtabhereandshotyouanextrahundredbucksforaccommodatingme,wouldyouget
yourfoodtogoandcomecastaneyeovermyengineforasecond?It’sprobablynothing,
I’mprobablybeingoverlycautious,butIjustwannamakesure…”

Franznarrowedhiseyesatme,lookingmeupanddown.“Ahundredbucksandyou

payformybreakfast,ontopoftheassessmentfeeforlookingatyourvehicle?”He
pronouncedtheHinvehicle—oneofmypetpeeves.Inodded,though,continuingto
smile.

“Yes,sir.”

“Well,alrightthen.Iain’tgonnaarguewithyou,mister.What’syournameagain?”

“Ray.RaySheraton.”

“Ohh,likethemtherehotels?Youownany’athosethings?Jason!Putmydamn

pancakesinabox!We’releaving!”Helosthalfthesoddentobaccofromhismouthwhen
hepivotedtowardthecounter,suddenlyyellingattheserver,whoI’ddecidedInowfelt
sorryfor.Jasondidn’tknowwhichwaytoturnfirstashehurriedfromoneendofthe
dinertotheother,firstcollectingFranz’sfoodfromtheservicehatch,andthenupand
downasheclearlyscrambledtolocateato-gobox.

Ipaidthekid,Franztookhispancakesandatwo-literbottleofcoke,andweheaded

overtotheautoshop.IsawmorethanacoupleofinchesofFranz’sasscrackashe
stoopedtounlocktherollershutters.OncewewereinsideandFranzhadopenedtheside
doortotheshop,hehikeduphispantsagain,hawkingtoclearhisthroat,andhepointed
outintotheparkinglot,inthedirectionofmytruck.“Shallwetakealookatit,then?”

“Actually,Iwantedtoaskyouaquestionfirst,ifthat’sokay?”

“Surething,Ray.Askaway.”

“DoesthenameHollyShojimeananythingtoyou?”IwatchedasFranz’sexpression

transformeditselfintosomethingwaryatfirst,andthensomethinghardandunfeeling.

“I’msorry,boss.Doesn’tringabell.”Theliewasasobviousasthebrokencapillaries

attheendofhisnose.Hewasn’teventryingtoconvincemehedidn’tknowHolly’sname.
Therewasdisgustinhiseyesashestartedtoshufflepastmeoutofthegarage.“Ihavea
busymorning,too.Ifyouwantmetolookatyourtruck,let’sgetonwithit.Ifnot,I’m
afraidwe’regonnahavetosavethechitchatforanotherday.”

Sidestepping,Iblockedhispath,preventinghimfromwalkingoutside.Ittookallofa

secondtoleanovertothewallandhittheswitchonthewall—theswitchthatloweredthe
rollershuttersbackdownagain.Franzstudiedmewithiceinhiseyes,assessingmefrom
headtotoe.

“Yousureyouwasn’tinthemilitary?”heasked,takingastepback.

“Nope.Ineverjoinedup.Ithoughtaboutit,likeIsaid,butmyfatherhadotherideas.

Hewantedmetofollowinhisfootsteps.”

“Andwhatdidhedo?”Franzmutteredinanairytone.Itwasfunnyhowmanytimes

peopledidthis—actedlikenothinguntowardwashappening,whensomethingclearlywas
happening.Asif,shouldhekeephisvoicefreefromaggressionandhostilityorpanic,I
wouldbeheldatbay,unawarethatasituationwasdeveloping,andhewouldsomehowbe
abletodistractmewhileheescaped.Therewouldbenodistractingme,though.No
escape,either.IwatchedcalmlyasFranzfumbledwithhislefthand,reachingoutforatire
ironthatwassittingontopofamessyworkbench.

“Hewasapriest,”Isaid,glancingdownlazilytoinspectmyfingernails.

Franznearlytrippedoverhisownfeetashetriedtobackawayfromme.“Soyou’re

Catholic,then.Likeme.”

“Oh,we’renothingalike,Franz.We’renoteventhesamespecies.See,Ididfollowin

myfather’sfootsteps.Istudied.Ibecameapriest,justlikemyfatherwantedmeto,andI
learnedmanythings.IlearnedthattheCatholicChurchdoesn’tbelieveinbrutallyraping
peoplejustbecausetheydon’tshareyourskincolor,oryourbeliefsystem.”

Franz’seyeswerewidenow.Hisfearwasplaintosee,buttherewassomethingelse

there,too:hatred.Somuchangerandhatred.Hedidn’tagreewithwhatIwassaying.
Didn’tcareforitonelittlebit.

“Ifyou’reapriest,thenwhatareyoudoinghere,Ray?Shouldn’tyoubetendingto

yourflock?”

Ismirked,reachingnotforthegunintheholsteratmyback,butforsomethingalittle

morefun.Somethingalittlesharper.Somethingalittlemore…wicked.

“Iwasapriest,”Isaid,flippingovertheheavy,serratedcombatknifeIwasnow

holding.“Iwasapriestforaquiteawhile.AndthenIrealizedsomething.Wannaknow
whatIrealized?”

Franzshookhishead,hisjowlswobblingallovertheplace.“No,man.No.Justgo.

Getthefuckoutofmyshop.Thatfilthylittlewhoredeservedeverythingshegot.She
didn’tbelonghere.Shewastakingmoneyfromthegovernmenttostudy.Andwhenshe
finishedthatcourse,whatthen?Shewasgonnatakeajobthatbelongedtoafucking
American,man!We’rejustlettin’‘emwaltzinhereandtakeeverythingfromus.Ishowed
thatbitchweweren’tallgonnatakeitlyingdown.Thatshewasgonnahavetotake
somethinglyingdown,too,if—”

Itiltedthebladefromlefttorightinmyhand,peeringintothehighlyreflective

surfaceoftheweaponasifmesmerizedbyitsbeauty.“IrealizedIwasn’treallyhelping
anyonebyspritzingthemwithholywaterandshovingbreadintotheirmouthsevery
Sunday.Irealized…Ididn’tbelieveanymore.Irealizedtherewerebetterwaystohelp
savepeople,soIpickedupthisknife,andIdecidedtotakemattersintomyownhands.
JustlikeI’mabouttodorightnow.”

SIX

CONVINCEME

SERA

Iwouldn’thaveknownitwasFix’struckifIhadn’tseenhimgetinitanddriveoffearlier.
Aftersittingaroundinthemotellobbyforhours,waitingforhimtocomeback,Igrew
anxiousandbeggedarideintoLibertyFieldsoffanotherwomanwhowascheckingoutof
herroomandleaving.I’dhopedImightfindagiftstorewhereIcouldgrabanother
weddinggiftforAmy,sinceI’ddemolishedthetequilalastnight.Instead,IspottedFix’s
truckandaskedtobedroppedoffintheparkinglotofaveryrundown,sketchylooking
autoshop.

Thefrontrollershuttersweredown,butthesidedoortothebuildingwasopen.

Inside:Darkness.Thesmellofoil,grease,andunwashedmale.Ihoveredjustinsidethe
door,tryingtodecideifIoughttogoinornot.Sixsmithusedtocartmearoundalotwhen
Iwasreallysmall.Heusedtotakemetodark,strange,unfamiliarplaceslikethis,and
therewouldalwaysbetrouble.Someonewouldbedrinking.Someonewouldbecooking
meth.Someonewouldbefuckingloudlyintheback.Therewouldbethingsyoungeyes
weren’tmeanttosee.And,bythetimeweleft,therewouldusuallybeblood.

IcouldjustwaitoutsideforFix.Therewasnoreasontobargeintotheshopandstart

yellingathimfortakingtoolong,whenhepromisedmehe’donlybegoneanhourorso.I
coulddothatinthetruck,oncethedark-hairedbastardemergedandsawmeleaning
againsthismurdered-outride,waitingforhim.

Iwalkedovertothetruckandtriedthehandletothepassengerseat,butitwaslocked.

Icheckedmyphone—anothermissedcallfromBen,butnothingfromAmy—andthen
sliditbackintomypocket,tryingnottoscowl.Thingsweresomuchsimplerbeforecell
phones.Ifyoudidn’twanttobeharassedbyanyone,allyouhadtodowasleavethe
house,walkaway,andnotlookback.I’dgottenmyfirstphonewhenIwassixteen,
boughtandpaidforwithmoneyI’dearnedwaitingtablesinadiner,andI’dbeenso
excited;everyoneelseinschoolhadhadoneforacoupleofyears,andI’dfinallygotto
playcatchup.Now,thereweredaysIwishedIcouldjustthrowallofmydevicesinthe
trashandneverpurchaseanotheroneagain.

TherainhadeasedslightlysinceI’dleftthemotel,butitwaspickingupagain.

Heavy,fatbeadsofwaterthumpedagainstthehoodofFix’struck,fallingfromthe
branchesofahugeliveoakthatloomedovertheparkinglotlikeagrimsentinel.Thetree
wasbareofleaves,anditsconsiderable,crookedlimbsrakedupwardtowardtheovercast

skylikethefingersofatwisted,graspinghand.

Iraisedthehoodofmyjacket,shiveringwhenthealreadydampfabricbrushed

againstthebackofmyneck.Icouldn’twaittogetthefuckoutofthistown.Itwasdreary,
cold,andfartoowet.Seattlewasworld-renownedforit’smiserableweatherandgrey
skies,butatleastithadlifetoit.Alotoflife.Music.Greatfood.Art.Culture.Business
andindustry.LibertyFieldswasanunmarkedtownonthemapthatnoonevisitedon
purpose,andnoonereallycaredabout,apartfromthethreehundredworndownpeople
wholivedhere.

IwaitedforFix,pickingatmyfingernailsinsidemypockets,breathingdeeply.He’d

comeoutsoonanddrivemesomewhereIcouldgetanothercar,andtheneverything
wouldbeokay.Itriednottoletmymindwander.WhenIdid,Iendedupreplayingthe
eventsoflastnightanddrivingmyselfalittlecrazy.FixmusthavethoughtIwasusedto
sleepingwithrandomstrangershoursafterI’djustmetthem.Hehadtobelievethat,since
that’sexactlywhatIdidwithhim.ThetruthwasI’dbeenmorethanalittleintimidatedby
himlastnight.Hislookswereenoughtomakemycheekscolorwheneverheturnedhis
attentiontome—skingolden,likehespentagoodamountoftimeoutinthesun.Hisface
wasallangularlines,sharpenoughtocut.Hiseyeswerebothexquisiteandfrightening.It
wasn’tjusttheircolorthatfrozemetomycore.Wheneverhelookedatme,averyreal
chillskatedovermybody,asifhisfrostyexpressionsproducedtheirownwintrybreeze
thatbitatmyskin.Hewasanenigma—closedoffandsecretive.Hedidn’twanttoshare
withmewhathedidforaliving,andthatwasfine.Annoying,butunderstandable.
Sometimespeoplewantedtokeepthingsprivate,ortheyjustdidn’trealizetheywere
beingrude.There’dbeenplentyoftimesI’dforgottenthesubtlenuancesofsocial
etiquette—etiquetteI’dhadtolearnthroughstudyingotherpeopleatanearlyage,since
myfatherhadn’tbeentooconcernedwithteachingmeanythingatall—andI’dbeencold
tothepointofrudeness.Myslashedtiresprovedthatwellenough.Thattrafficcophad
probablyseenmycarparkedtherelastnightanddecidedtoteachmealessoninSouthern
manners.

Asuddenblastofwindpummeledme,hurlingcoldrainwaterintomyface,andIbit

backtheurgetoscream.Okay,thiswasn’tworking.IfIhadtochangemyclothesone
moretime,Ireallywasgoingtoscream,andwhatmannersIhadleftweregoingrightout
ofthewindow.Wrappingmyjackettighteraroundmybody,Ihurriedbackacrossthe
parkinglotanddartedintotheautoshopthroughthesidedoor,grindingmyteethtogether.
Sofreakingcold…Icouldn’tremembereverbeingsocoldinmyentirelife.Myeyestook
asecondtoadjusttothedarknessinsidethebuilding.Anothersecondtotakeinthestacks
ofmoldingnewspapersthatwerepiledupagainstthewalls,andthenumerous,rusting
toolsthatwerediscardedallovertheplace.Tomyleft,atinyoffice,withnothingmore
thanasmalldeskandaheavilystainedchairinsidesatabandoned.Theairwasstaleand
reekedofoldcigarettesmoke,coupledwiththesourtangofrottingfood—probably
emanatingfromthelarge,dentedmetaltrashcanthatwasburstingwitholdtakeout
wrappersinthecorneroftheroom.Iwasabouttoheadfurtherintothedarkness,whenthe
low,grufftimbreofFix’svoicereachedmyears.

“—soIpickedupthisknife,andIdecidedtotakemattersintomyownhands.Just

likeI’mabouttodorightnow.”

Huh.Hewastalkingtosomeone…anditdidn’tsoundlikeaparticularlynice

conversation.Fromaroundthecorner,inwhatIpresumedwasthemainflooroftheauto
shop,anothervoicecutthroughtheair,loudandedgedwithsomethinglikeanger.

“Youcangoaheadandputthatdownnow,motherfucker.YouthinkIhaven’tbeen

threatenedbefore?Youthinkthisisthefirsttimesomeone’scomeinhereandtriedtoact
toughwithme?Iain’tsomedumbpieceofshitthatdon’tknowhowtoprotecthisself.
I’vekilledmenbefore.Idoubtyou’veeverhadthefuckingstones.”

Therewasalong,pregnantpause,andsomethingchangedasthesilencethickened—

sometense,darknessseemedtodevelop,thatspreadfromonesideofthebuildingtothe
other,poisoningtheairfromcornertocorner.

“Allright,”theothervoicesaidquietly.“Maybeyouhavekilledbefore.Sowhat

makesyouanydifferenttome,Ray?Whatgivesyoutherighttojudgeme,whenyou’ve
committedthesamesins?”

“I’veneverrapedanyone,”Fixgrowled.“AndI’veneverkilledanyonewhodidn’t

deserveit.I’mveryselectiveaboutthejobsItake.Asetofcriteriahastobemetbefore
I’llconsidertakinganotherperson’slife.”

“Criteria?”There’saloudhawkingsound,andthenthewetsplatterofsomething

hittingthefloor.“Soundslikeexcusestome.Whatcriteriacursedmetodie?”

“You’recorrupt.You’reirredeemable.Youfeelnoremorseoverthepainandsuffering

youinflictedonthatpoorgirl.Youdon’tregretyouractions,andyou’llmorethanlikely
repeatthoseactionsagaininthefuture.”

“Fuckyou,man.Youcan’ttellmewhatIdoordon’tfeelbadabout.Youcan’ttellme

whatIwillorwontdointhefuture.”

“You’resayingyouwon’thurtanyoneeveragain?”

“Yeah,whatifIam?Wouldthatchangeyourmind?”Theotherman’svoicewashard

andaggressive,filledwithdefiance.Hedidn’tsoundsincereintheslightest.

Myheartwasthunderinglikeafreighttraininmychest.IhadnoideawhatIwas

hearing,couldn’treallymakesenseofanyofit,butmybloodhadturnedtoiceinmy
veinsallthesame.Fixhadtoldmebackinthemotelthathewasanassassin.He’dtoldme
hekilledpeopleformoney,butI’dbrusheditoffasnonsense.Now,listeningtothetense
exchangethatwastakingplacebetweenhimandthisotherman,itsoundedlikehe’d
actuallybeentellingthetruth.Buttherewasnoway.Itsimplycouldn’tbetrue.

“Changingmymindisn’teasy,”Fixrumbled.Hisvoicewasfilledwithenoughgravel

tosetmyteethonedge.I’dneverheardthepromiseofsuchviolenceinanyone’swords
before;itmademewanttobackup,toclapmyhandsovermyears,toquietlytiptoemy
waybackoutsideandrunformygoddamnlife.Icouldn’tdoit,though.Icouldn’tmakea
singleoneofmymusclesmoveasIstoodthere,listeningtothementalk.

“Convincemethatyou’llneverattackanotherhumanbeingfortheirdifferences.

Convincemeyou’llneverraiseyourhandinanger,ortakesomethingfromsomeone
weakerandmorevulnerablethanyou,simplybecauseyoutheyaren’twhite.Ifyoucando
that,I’llletyoulive.”

“Allright,then.YouhavemywordasagoodCatholic.Iwon’tneverdothatshit

again.”

I’dheardthatsamehaughty,smugtonebefore,thenightI’dheldaknifeofmyown

uptomyfather’sthroat.He’dswornhe’dnevertouchmeagain.He’dswornhe’dnever
touchAmyagain,andI’dknownhewasjusttellingmewhatI’dwantedtohear.I’dheard
thelieinhisvoice.I’dwitnesseditinhiseyes,thathadbeenconnivingandglintingwith
therevengehewasalreadyplanningagainstme.Iwassurethesamelookofcontemptand
disgustwouldbeonthefaceofthemanFixwastalkingto,andthatmademyheartstop
beatingaltogether.

God,hewasgoingtohurtthisguy.Fixwasseriouslygoingtoinjurehim.Icouldn’t

understandwhy,butIfoundmyselfpropelledforward,towardthesoundoftheirvoices.I
didn’twanttosee…Ididn’twanttowatchwhatwasgoingtohappennext,butapartof
mefeltobligedtostopit,topreventwhateverwasabouttotakeplace.Ididn’tknowhowI
wasgoingtoaccomplishthat,but…

MybodywasnumbasImoved.Ididn’tfeelathing.MylungsquitworkingasI

foundmyselfstandinginadoorway.Fixstoodwithhisbacktome,andinhishand…

Inhishand:thecruelest,sharpestknifeI’deverseen.

ThemanoppositehimwasshorterthanFix,softaroundhismidsection,hisface

crumpledintoamaskofhateandfury.Despitethefaintlighting,Icouldmakeoutthe
darksplatteracrosstheshouldersofhistired,wornjacketthattherainmusthavecreated
whentheywereoutside.Hisjeanswerestreakedwithgrease,andfrayedatthehems.The
baseballcaphewaswearingwassowornthatthematerialhadsplitoverthebrim.Strange
thatIshouldnoticesuchfinedetails,whenIshouldhavebeenchargingforward,shouting,
demandingthatFixleavetheguyalone.

“Youaren’tgoingtochange,”Fixsaidsoftly.“Thewayyouhurtthatgirl…youzip-

tiedherhands,andyoupinnedherdown.Youkeptherinyourbasementfordays.You
forcedyourselfinsidehertimeandtimeagain,andyoulaughedasshebeggedand
pleadedwithyouforherlife—”

“Ididn’tkillher,”theothermanprotested.ItwasthenIsawthetireironhewas

holdinginhishand.“Ididn’ttakeherlife.”

“Youmightaswellhavedone,”Fixcountered.“Whatkindofanexistencedoyou

thinkyouleftherwith?Doyouthinkshe’lleverbeabletosleepagain?Doyouthink
she’llbeabletogobacktoherdailyroutineandforgetabouteverythingyoudidtoher?
Normaldoesn’texistforHollyanymore.She’llneverbeabletohavethenormallifeshe
deserved.She’llneverbeabletoformaconnectionwithaman.Shewon’tbeabletofall
inlove,getmarriedandhavechildren.Everytimeaguylooksatherinthestreet,every

timesomeonesmilesatherandadmiresher,she’llneverbeabletosmileback.She’llsee
you.Yourhideousfaceloomingoverher.You,palmingyourdisgustingdickasyou
preparetoshoveitinsideheronemoretime.She’llremembereverysingleterriblething
youdidtoher,andshe’lldiejustalittlemoreinside.Yourobbedherofeverythinggood.”

Theotherman’sscowldeepenedintheflashofaneye;he’dheardthefinalityinFix’s

tone,thesamewayI’dheardit,andheknewhewasnevergoingtobeabletotrickFix
intobelievinghim.“Thatlittlefuckingcuntdidn’tdeserveanything.Shedeservedexactly
whatIgavetoher.Ishouldhaveslitherfuckingthroat.You’reright.Ididn’tstophurting
herwhenshebegged.Itmademydickhard.Ilovedfuckingtheshitouther.Ifucking
lovedhurtingher.I’ddoitallagainifIhadthechance.”Whenhelaunchedhimself
forward,Ididn’tseeitcoming.Hewasslowandsloppy,heftingthetireironoverhis
head,bringingitswingingdowninasavagearcaimeddirectlyatFix’shead.Fix
sidesteppedoutofthewaywithapparentease;hedidn’tevenraiseahandtodefend
himself.Hesimplymovedoutoftheway,tuttingunderhisbreath.Theotherman
stumbled,carriedforwardbyhisownmomentum,andthat’swhenFixreacted.Heflipped
theknifeoverinhishandandangledhiswrist,dartingitouttotheright—acasual,fluid
movementthatlookedlikeitcosthimnothingatall.Thetipoftheknifeplungedintothe
otherguy’sside,andtimestopped.TheothermanlookedupatFix,hiseyeswidewith
surprise,andalong,wetgasphissedoutofhismouth.

“You…fuckingasshole,”hewheezed.“Youfuckingpieceoffucking…”Thetireiron

movedagain,flyingtowardFix’sshoulder,butFixreachedupandtookholdoftheman
bythewrist,haltinghisattackinmidair.Hewassocalm.Socollected.Withhisbackstill
tome,Icouldn’tseehisface,buttherewasaserenitythatpouredoffhim,looseninghis
shoulders.Itwasoverquickly,butthescenewouldplayoutinmyminduntilthedayI
died:Fixslowly,carefullywithdrewtheknifefromtheman’sside,andheraisedittohis
throat.

“Iwon’tletyouhurtanyoneelse,”hewhispered.“You’redone,Franz.It’sover.I’ll

makeitquick.”

TherewasaresignationFranz’seyes.HeknewFixwastellingthetruth,andapartof

himlookedlikeithadacceptedit.Hewaswellingup,tearsthreateningtospilldownhis
faceasFixsteppedclosertohim,holdinghimtightlybythearm.Franzswallowed,a
flickerofpainpassingoverhisface.“You…you’reapriest,”hegasped.Hisfacehadgone
white,turnedtothecolorofash,andtinyspotsofbloodfleckedhislipsandhischin.
“Absolveme.Freemeofmysins.”

Fixswiveledhisbody,thesoundofhisbootsgrindingagainsttheconcreteunderfoot

fillingtheair.“Iusedtobeapriest.Ican’thelpyou.AndevenifIcould,Iwouldn’t.You
havetoactualrepenttobeabsolved.AndIdon’ttakeconfessionanymore.”Inoneswift,
predatorymovement,Fixslashedoutwithhisarm,andtheknifesangthroughtheair.I
watched,horrified,asthewickededgeofhisserratedbladecutacrossFranz’sthroat.Then
thebloodcame.AgushingspurtofcrimsonthatsprayedalloverFix,andupoverhis
head,hittingthewallrightbesideme.

Franzgurgledandchokedashedied.Hewasunabletoscream,whichmighthave

beenablessinghadhenotbeentryingveryhardtodojustthat.Afurtherjetofblood
spoutedfromthejaggedtearinhisneck,andhegraspedatFix,handsclawingathimas
hetriedtoremainupright.Itwasuseless,though.Completelyfutile.Thelightfadedfrom
hiseyesinamatterofseconds,andthenhewasslipping,sliding,handsreleasingFixas
hesaggedtotheground.

Istillcouldn’tmove.Mynerveendingsweren’tresponding,eventhoughIwas

holleringatthemtoobey.Icouldhavesnuckawayandhidbeforebeingdiscovered,but
theshockofwhatI’djustseenhadmerootedpermanentlytothespot.AsFixslowly
turnedaround,IknewwitheveryfiberofmybeingthatIwasabouttodie.I’dseenwhat
he’ddone.I’dwitnessedthewholething.TherewasnowayI’dbeallowedtolivetotell
thetale.Thecopperytasteofmetalandfearfloodedmymouth,sothickand
overwhelmingthatIalmostgaggedonit.

Fixsawmeimmediately.Hewasavisionofterror—faceandhandscoveredwith

blood,jacketdousedanddrenchedinred.Hewasthestuffofnightmares,andIwas
lockedinhisgaze,unabletorun.Hedidn’tlookshockedtoseemestandingthereinthe
doorway.Hedidn’tlooksurprisedatall.Therewasadarknessshroudinghimashetooka
steptowardme,wipinghisfacewiththebackofhishand,smearingthebloodlikeitwas
warpaint.

“Ididn’tthinkyou’dstaytowatch,Sera.Ididn’tthinkyou’dhavethestomachforit.”

SEVEN

JUSTICE

FIX

I’dknownthemomentshe’denteredtheautoshop.Herperfumehadgivenheraway—
sweet,soft,floralanddelicious,thesamesmellthathadbeenhauntingmysensesever
sinceI’dfuckedherlastnight—andI’dwaited,figuringouthowIwasgoingtohandlethe
situation.She’dstopme.She’dcomerunninginandsaveFranz.She’dcallthepolice.
She’dhavemearrestedifIlaidonefingerontheguy.ThosewerethethingsI’dbeen
expectinghertosayanddo,onlyshedidn’t.

She’dremainedhiddenintheshadows,observingsilently,andI’drealizedexactly

howfuckedIwas.IfIletFranzgo,he’dtryandcomeafterme.Thatwouldn’tgowellfor
him,naturally,butitwasinconvenient.Andthenwhat?Ifhetookhisangeratbeing
confrontedoutonanotherunsuspectinggirl?Ifherapedsomeoneelse?Therewasjustno
way…

Isteppedcarefully,makingsureSeracouldseemeclearlyasIapproachedher.No

suddenmovements.Nosurprisesthatmighthaveherscreaming.Shelookedlikea
frighteneddeer,trappedintheheadlightsofanoncomingvehiclethatshecouldplainly
seebutdoabsolutelynothingtoavoid.

“Youkilledhim,”shebreathed,hereyesskatingtothedeadbodyontheground

behindme.“You…youtookthatknifeandyoukilledhim.”

“Idid.”

ShelookedatmelikeI’djustdeniedmyactionsinsteadofadmittingtothem.“You

killedhim.”

“Iknow.”

“Wh—”Sheshookherhead,graspingforthewall,tryingtosteadyherselfasshe

swayed.“Why?Whatthe…”

“Hehurtagirl.Iwashiredtomakethesituationright,”Isaid,keepingmyvoice

even.IntheyearsI’dbeendoingthiskindofwork,noonehadeverstumbleduponmein
theact.I’dneverbeensoobviouslycaughtredhanded.Mymindwasreeling.Iwantedto
pickSeraup,slingherovermyshoulderandgetthefuckoutofthere,butthatwouldbe
risky.IfIdidn’thandlethissituationright,andshewasbawlingandcryingasIdragged
herthroughtheparkinglot,someonewasboundtoseeus.ThemomentFranzwasfound

dead,itwouldbeeasyenoughforsomeonetoreportwhatthey’dseenandthecopswould
beonmytailinnotime.Itwasbadenoughthatthewaiterinthedinerhadseenmewith
Franzasitwas,butthekidhadbarelylookedtwiceinmydirection.Therehadbeenno
camerasinthediner,theplacewasfartoolowrentforanykindofsecuritymeasures,so
thepoliceweregoingtohavetogooffaveryvaguedescriptionasitwas.ButifSeralost
hershitandwashystericalasIbundledherintothebackofthetruck,thatwould
complicatethingsimmensely.

“He—howisthismakingthesituationright?”Serahadlostallcolortoherface,and

shekeptswallowing.Hergagreflexwasprobablyworkingovertime.Irememberedthe
firsttimeI’dseensomeonemurdered,andwhileIhadn’tflippedoutthewayIsuspected
shewasaboutto,I’ddefinitelypartedcompanywithmylunchonceIfoundmyselfalone
inabathroom.

“Thecopsaroundherewouldneverhavepressedchargesagainsthim,”Isaid,

cautiouslywipingmypalmsagainstmypants.“Andeveniftheydid,thegirl’stooscared
topresscharges.SoItookthejob.IfIthoughtthejusticesystemwouldhavetakencareof
this,Iwouldhaveleftthewholethingwellalone.”

Serasniffed,thencoveredhermouthwithherhand,cringing.“God,thesmell…”

Thethingaboutdeadpeoplewasthat,whentheywereontheirwaytodying,they

oftenlostcontrolovertheirbowels.Itwasmorecommonthannot.Combinedwiththe
thickscentofbloodintheair,theodorofdeathwasalreadydevelopingfromfaintto
pungent.

“Fuck.IthinkI’mgoingtothrowup.”Serastaggeredback,bendingoveratthewaist,

butIrushedforwardandtookholdofher,pinningherinmyarms.

“Donotthrowupinhere.Ifyou’regonnapuke,doitoutside.Preferablysevenor

eightmilesawayfromhere.”

Shegroaned,alookofpanicformingasshetookinthewayIwasholdingher.She

wasgoingtoloseit.Anysecondnow,shewasgoingtohaveameltdown,andIwasgoing
tohavetotakemeasurestocalmher.Ididn’twanttohavetoknockherout,butIwouldif
Ihadto.Herbodyshook,oneviolentshudder,andshetriedtoliftherhandtoherface
again,butshenoticedthebloodonherjacketandherskin—thebloodshehadjustputher
handinwhenshetriedtosteadyherselfagainstthewall—andthatwasit.

Hereyesrolledbackintoherhead,andshefainted.

******

Stepone:GetSeraintothetruck.

Steptwo:Calmlydrivebacktothemotel.

Stepthree:Stripoutofmybloodsoakedclothesandchangeinthetruck.

Stepfour:CollectSera’sbagsfromthelobby.

Stepfive:Getthehelloutofdodge.

Icompletedstepsonethroughfivemechanically,notreallythinkingaboutanything.

Therewouldbetimeforthinkinglater.Nowwasatimeforaction,andI’dbeenover
scenarioslikethisenoughtimesinmyheadthatIknewexactlywhatIhadtodo.Okay,so
maybenotscenariosexactlylikethis,butsimilarenough.Forsomereason,I’dnever
consideredtheremightbeatimethatI’dhavetolayanunconsciouswomandownonthe
backseatofmyvehicleandhightailitawayfromamurderscene.Thefaintestpossibility
thatsomethinglikethiscouldhappenjustneverfuckingoccurredtome.

Sofuckingstupid.

WewerebackontheroadbeforeSerawokeup,whichwasconcerningsince,asfaras

Iknew,peoplewhofaintedgenerallywokeupquickly,butshe’dobviouslysufferedquite
ashock.Herbody,hermind,musthaveneededalittletimetoresetitself.Iheardherstir,
andthenwithinasecondshewasscramblingatthedoorhandle,tryingtoopenthe
motherfuckingdoor.Thankfully,I’dtakenprecautionstolockthemallbeforeI’dstarted
drivingagain.

“We’redoingeighty.Wouldn’trecommendatuckandrollrightnow.”

“Letmeoutofthecar,Fix.Stopthecarrightnowandletmego.”Shewasfrightened,

andIcouldn’treallyblameherforit.Thelastthingweneededwasherlosinghershit
whileweweremoving,though.Ipulledovertothesideoftheroad,hittingthehazards,
andIsnatchedupthebrownfilethatI’dplacedonthepassengerseat,readyforthis
moment.Openingitup,Igrabbedthefirstphotofromwithinthefileandthrustitovermy
shoulder,snarlingundermybreath.ItwasHolly,thegirlFranzhadsobrutallyassaulted,
coveredinbruises,hermouthsplitopeninsomanyplacesthatherlipsresembled
mangledmeatfromadelicounter.Shewasnakedinthepicture,andthebitemarksand
burnsalloverherskin,herbreasts,herthighs,andherstomachwerelividandpurple.
Horrifictobehold.

“Thisiswhathedid,”Isnapped.“Thisishowhelefther,whenhefinallyreleased

her.Seventy-twohours,hekeptherinthatbasement,Sera.Seventy-twohours,wherehe
torturedher,andrapedher,andsankhisteethintoherskin.Hegaveherhepatitis,for
fuck’ssake.”

Seradidn’ttakethephotofromme.Shestaredatit,shaking,hereyesfillingwith

tears.Acarburnedpastusontheroad,wayfasterthanthespeedlimit,andthetruck
rockedfromsidetosideinitswake.Serajustsatthere,staringatthepictureofHolly,
unmoving.Itossedthephotointoherlapandgrabbedanotherfromthefile:animageof
Holly’sbuttocks,whichwereflayedrawandcoveredinblood.Itossedthatoneinto
Sera’slap,thenfolloweditwithanother,andthenanother,eachoneworsethantheone
before.“Ifyou’regonnatryandtellmethatsickbastarddidn’tgetwhathedeserved,then
you’regoingtohaveaverydifficulttime.”

Quietly,Serabegantocry.“Idon’t…Idon’tknowwhattothink.Ijust…please.

Pleasedon’tkillme.”

I’dalreadyfiguredshewouldthinkthat—thatIwasgoingtokillher.Herdesperate

pleastillmademefeelsicktomystomach,though.“I’mnotgoingtokillyou,Sera.Why
thefuckwouldIkillyou?You’vedonenothingwrong.”Mystomachtieditselfinaknot.

Shestoppedcrying,herbodygoingstill.Sheraisedherhead,lookingmeintheeye

forthefirsttimesinceshe’dawoken.“Then…whatareyougoingtodowithme.Why
won’tyouletmego?”

“Ineedtoknowyou’renotgonnacallthecops.Ineedtoknow,themomentIletyou

go,you’renotgoingtosendtheauthoritiesafterme.”

Withfumblinghands,SeragatheredthephotosofHolly’sbatteredandbrokenbody

andthrewthematme,sendingthemfallingintothefootwell.“DoyouthinkI’mstupid?I
wouldn’tbreatheawordofthistoanyone,Fix.IfoughtlongandhardforthelifeIhave
rightnow.Iwouldn’triskitbysnitchingonaclearlyveryfuckingderangedand
dangerousman.”

Ouch.ThedangerouspartIcouldhandle.Deranged,though?Thatwasuncalledfor.I

turnedaround,grippingholdofthesteeringwheel,suckinginadeepbreaththroughmy
nose.“I’msorryifIdon’tbelieveyourightnow,butit’sbeenmyexperiencethatpeople
willtellyouanythingwhenthey’rescaredfortheirlives.YouheardFranz,right?”

Silence.

Iblewoutmybreath,huffing.Thiswasn’tgoingwell.Noneofitwas.I’dformulated

aplaninmymind.Itwasfuckingnuts,completelyagainstwhatIwassupposedtodo.I
alreadyknewSerawasgoingtobalkatit,butfuck.Icouldn’thandlethealternative.Ifshe
didn’tlikeit…

“Justletmego,Fix.Please.Idon’tneedthis,andneitherdoyou.AllIwantedtodo

wasgettomysister’swedding.Afterthat,IwantedtogobacktoSeattleandgetbackto
work.Thisdoesn’tchangeanyofthat.”

Shesoundedsincere,andhonestlyIwasinclinedtobelieveher.“I’lltakeyoutoyour

sister’swedding,”Isaidevenly,restartingthetruck’sengine.“ThenI’llgowithyouback
toSeattle,andeverythingwillbenormalagain.Solongasyoukeepyourmouthshutand
saynothingofwhatyousawthismorning,everythingwillbefine.Doyouunderstand?”

Ipulledbackoutontotheroad,waitingtoseewhatshewouldsay.Ididn’thaveto

waitverylong.

“You’reholdingmehostage?”sheaskedquietly.

“No.I’mnotholdingyouhostage.I’mgoingtomonitorthesituation,untilI’mcertain

youwon’tbringtheskycrashingdownonmyhead.That’sdifferent.”

“You’reinsane.”Icouldhearthepanicinhervoice,butitwasn’tasbadasbefore.

Shewasgraduallyregainingcontroloverherself,believedIwasn’tplanningonmurdering
hertotidyupmylooseends,andthatwasprogress.“You’regoingtodrivemeto
Alabama,andthenwhat?You’regoingtowatchmelikeahawk?Pretendtobeawaiterat

mysister’sfuckingwedding?Keeptabsonme,andtakemeoutifitlookslikeI’mlosing
mycool?”

“WhythefuckwouldIpretendtobeawaiter,Sera?Jesus.It’sawedding.Youhavea

plusone,right?”Iglancedintherearviewmirrortolookather,andtheexpressiononher
facewasmorethanalittleincredulous.

“Myplusone?Youwanttobemyplusone?Youjustkilledarapist,slithisthroat

fromeartoear,andnowyouwanttobemydatetoafuckingwedding?Ican’t…Ijust
can’tmakeanysenseofwhat’shappeningrightnow.IfeellikeI’mhavingabadtripor
something.Theworsttripinthehistoryofdrugabuse.”

“Don’tbesomelodramatic.”

“Melodramatic?Youthinkthisismelodrama?Youkillpeopleformoney,Fix.You

stabthem,andyoushootthem,andyou…youdogodknowswhatelsetothem.Isawyou
doitwithmyowntwoeyes,andI’mbeingmelodramaticwhenIdon’twanttospendtime
withyouatmysister’swedding.Youhavegottobekidding!”

“Acoupleofdays.AllyouhavetodoismakemebelieveI’mnotgonnafindmyself

inhandcuffs,andI’llletyougo.It’seasy,really.Ifyouhadn’tcomeinvestigatinglike
fuckingMissMarple,thenwewouldn’tbeinthepositioninthefirstplace.”

Shelaughedacold,hard,derisivelaugh.“Ifyouhadn’tkilledFranz,wewouldn’tbe

inthisposition.IthinkthattrumpsthefactthatIwalkedintoabuilding,lookingforyou.”

“Hadn’tyoubetterbetextingyoursisterrightnow,insteadofyellingatme?She’s

gonnatowanttoknowyouneedsomeoneaddingnexttoyouonherseatingplan.”

“Fuck,Fix!You’rejustasbadasFranzwasifyouthinkit’sokaytokeepmewithyou

againstyourwill.”

Isentherasharp,narrow-eyedglarebehindme,tryingtotampdownmyrising

temper.ShewasthefuckingcrazyoneifshewascomparingthistowhatFranzhaddone
toHolly.Isawthemomentintherearviewthatsherealizedhowwrongherstatementwas.
Shedidn’ttakeitback,though.Shesetherjaw,liftingherchinindefiance,andslumped
backintoherchair.

“Allright.Fine.Youcancomewithmetothestupidwedding.Youcanescortme

backtoSeattlelikethenaughtylittlegirlthatIam.Buttheseconditlookslikeyou’re
goingtohurtme,ordosomethingIwouldn’tlike,thenI’mgoingtostartscreaming.And
trustme…Icanscreamreallyfuckingloud.”

Ibreathedasighofrelief.I’djustboughtusbothsometime.

EIGHT

LOLLIPOP

SERA

Amy:Whoishe?Andwhyareyoujusttellingmeabouthimnow?Iaskedyou
monthsagoifyouwereseeinganybody,andyousaidno.

Me:I’msorry.I’mtellingyouabouthimrightnow,though.It’snothingserious.

Ididn’tthinkhewasgoingtobeabletomakethedate,soIdidn’tmentionanything.
Hecalledthismorningandtoldmehewasgoingtocomeandpickmeup,sotherewe
haveit.Look,ifit’saproblemandyou’dpreferhimnottobethere,thenI
understand.Justletmeknow.

ItwasprobablyabadideatotellAmyshecouldvetoFix’simpromptuattendanceat

herwedding.ShewasfarmorepolitethanIwas,however,andbarelyarguedwithme
overthematter.

Amy:Ifyou’rehereontimeandeverythinggoesaccordingtoplan,thenIdon’t

carewhoyoubring.Solongashedoesn’tfuckupmybigday.”

Solongashedidn’tfuckupherbigday?God,thatwasariot.Therewereathousand

andonewaysFixcouldfuckupAmy’sbigday,whichincluded,butwerenotlimitedto,
murderingoneoftheguests.Mysister’sfriendswereallassholesasfarasIwas
concerned,butAmywasfondofthemforsomereason,sosheprobablywouldn’ttaketoo
kindlytohavinganyofthemkilled.Myex-boyfriend,Gareth,wasgoingtobethere.
Thingsbetweenushadhardlybeenserious,butwhenhe’dcheatedonmeandtotaledmy
car,I’dswornI’dremovehisballsifIeversawhismiserablefaceagain.Amyhadwarned
mehewasgoingtobeinattendance—asBen’soldestfriend,he’dbeenassignedbestman
duties—andshe’dbeggedmenottocauseascene.I’dbeendreadingsettingeyeson
Garethagain,butnowhewastheleastofmyworries.Fixwasgoingtoturnheads.There
wouldbequestions.Lotsofthem.Andwhensomeoneaskedmyplusonewhathedidfor
aliving,whatthefuckwashegoingtosay?“Oh,Ikillpeopleformoney?”Hehadn’t
evenblinkedwhenhe’dtoldmethatinthemotellobbylastnight.Hiscommenthad

washedoverme,butifhesaidthattoAmy?God,therewouldbefireworks.FourthofJuly
fireworks.Thekindoffireworksthatcouldbeseenthreecountiesoverandwould
permanentlyburntheretinasofanyoneunfortunateenoughtocatchsightofthem.

“You’regrindingyourteeth.”Fixhadn’tsaidmuchinthepastfewhours,andneither

hadI.I’dbeenstaringatthebackofhisneckfromthebackseat,wonderinghoweasyit
wouldbetochokehimoutandescapewithouthimcrashingthecarduringmyattack.I’d
decidedthechancesofhimdrivinghead-onintoabarrier,orveeringofftheroad
altogether,werefartoohigh,andI’dshelvedtheidea,butthatdidn’tstopmefrom
imagininghowsatisfyingitwouldbetowrapmyhandsaroundhisneckandtosqueezeas
hardasIcould.

“ItendtodothatwhenI’mstressed,”Iansweredhim.“And,asyoucanprobablytell,

I’mreallystressedrightnow.”

“Thisisn’texactlyhowI’dplannedonspendingmyweekeither,Angel.”

“Oh?Andhowexactlydidyouplanonspendingyourweek?”Thiswasgoingtobe

good.Heprobablyhadanotherfourorfivehitslineduporsomething.Ihadnoideawhat
hisquotawas,butheseemedlikeanindustriousguy.Didn’tseemlikethetypetobe
takingtimeofftosipwhiskeyinfrontofaroaringfirewhilereadingagoodbook.

Hiseyesdartedtotherearviewmirror.Ipretendednottoseehimlookbackatme.“I

hadresponsibilitiesbackinNewYorkthataregoingtohavetowaitnow.Believeme,this
ishighlyinconvenient.”

“Responsibilities?”Anumberofpossibilitiesoccurredtome:whatifhehadawife

andafamilybackhomethatwerewaitingforhisreturn?Hefuckedmelastnight,butso
what?Aguywhoendedpeople’slivesonaregularbasiswashardlygoingtoflinchat
cheating.Whatifhehadanailinggrandmotherinacarehomethatheusuallyhadcoffee
witheveryWednesday?Wouldsheknowallabouthisextra-curricularactivities?Itwas
thenthatIrememberedthewomanwho’dbeentryingtogetholdofhimsodesperately.
“DoyourresponsibilitiesinvolveMonica?Doessheknowwhoyouare,Fix?Doesshe
knowwhatyoudowheneveryouleavethestate?”

Aghostofasmiletwitchedatthecornersofhismouth,beforeitvanished.“Monica

isn’tmyresponsibility.Butyes,shedoesknowwhoIam.She’sprobablytheonlyperson
intheworldwhodoesknowme.Andyes,sheknowsexactlywhatIdowheneverIleave
thestate.”Thetoneinhisvoicehidashadowofamusement.Therewasastorybehindhis
relationshipwiththiswoman,Monica,buthedidn’tseemlikehewasgoingtoshareit.I
sureashellwasn’tgoingtoaskhimaboutit.

Iturnedtostareoutofthewindow,leaningmyforeheadagainstthecoldglass.

Wyomingwhippedbyinflashesofgreen,blue,grey,brownandwhite.Columnsofsmoke
pouredfromthechimneysofhomessetbackfromtheroad.Therewerepeopleinside
thosehouses,preparinglunchfortheirfamilies.Planningtherestoftheirday.Cleaning
andcooking.Payingtheirbills.Watchingtelevision.Howcouldlifecarryonsonormally,
soblindly,forsomepeople,whenmywholeworldhadbeenturnedupsideinthespaceof
acoupleofhours?Iclosedmyeyes,andallIsawwasbloodpoolingonthefloorofthat

autoshop.Thebodyofthatrapistlyingthereonthefrozenconcrete,rapidlycooling,his
eyesopen,staringatme,frightened,asifhewerepleadingwithmetohelphim,evenin
death.“Howmanypeoplehaveyoukilled,Fix?”Iaskedquietly.

Silencefilledthetruck,andIbegantothinkhewasn’tgoingtoanswer.Thenhe

clearedhisthroat,andspoke.“Doesitmatter?Doesn’tthedeathofonepersonatmy
handsdamnmetohelleitherway?”

“Idon’tbelieveinhell.”

Again,anothercursory,ifalittleintriguedbackwardglancefromFixinthemirror.

“Soyou’reanatheist,then.”

“I’msomeonewhobelievesyoushouldn’tkillpeople,evenifthereisnohigher

powermonitoringourbehaviorupintheclouds,chalkinguppointsfororagainstus.”

Hesmirked.Thetruckwasfilledwiththescentoffresh,coldairandpineneedles.It

wouldforeverbeasmellthatremindedmeofthismoment.IfIweredestinedtohaveany
moremoments,thatwas.Fix’siceblueeyesreturnedtotheroad,scanningthehorizon,
andIcaughtmyselfstaringatthelineofhisjaw;hisfacialhairhadgrownnoticeably
overnight,andnowhewassportingahealthyfiveo’clockshadow.Ihatedmyselfforit,
butonceagainIfoundmyselfstunnedbyhowabsolutely,ridiculouslyattractivehewas.
Hewasbeyonddangerous,andIwasbeyondstupidtobethinkingsuchthingsabouthim
atatimelikethis,butI’dknownitforalongtimenow:therewassomething
fundamentallyfuckedupinsideme.I’dbeenintoomanymessedsituationsalreadyto
reactthewayanysanepersonmightwhenlockedinthebackofamovingtruckwitha
potentialmassmurder.Andhereallywaspretty.

“Areyouhungry?”heasked.Hisvoicewasdeepandpenetrating—thesoundof

rumblingthunder.Itightenedmygrasparoundmycellphone,holdingontoitfordearlife;
itwasamiraclehe’dletmekeepit,really.Fixwasasmartman,thatmuchwas
desperatelyobvious.Sotherehadtobeareasonhehadn’tconfiscatedmyonlycurrent
meansofcontactwiththeoutsideworld.Fromthebackseat,Icouldeasilysendatext,
pleadingforhelp,andFixknewthat.

“No.I’mfine,”Iansweredhim.

“Okay,”herespondedflatly.Butanotherfivemilesdowntheroadsawhimpullingoff

ourcourseandontotheforecourtofagasstation.

“ItoldyouIwasn’thungry.”

“AndIsaidokay.But,withallthegrumblingandrumblingcomingfromyour

stomachforthelasthour,Iknewyouwerelying.Also,thistruckdoesn’trunonthinair.If
we’regoingtomakeittoAlabama,thenwe’reactuallygoingtohavetostopforgasevery
onceinawhile.”Hepausedwhilehekilledtheengine,thenturnedinhisseatandpulleda
facethatmusthavematchedmyownprettyclosely.“Iknow.Thelawsofpotentialenergy
andphysicsingeneralarefuckingstupid,right?”

Theeaseofhissmilestruckmeasodd.Butthen,Fixhadhadalongtimetocometo

termswiththefactthathewasakiller.Itwasoldnewstohim.I’dhadlessthanafew

hourstowrapmyheadaroundhisentireexistence,anditwastakingmeahotminuteto
figureoutwhatthefuckwasgoingon.“I’llhaveabottleofwaterandabagofchips,”I
said.“Plain.Nocheesyshit.”

AccordingtoAmy,Ihadalookthatwitheredmen’sballsandhadthemretracting

insidetheirbodies,nevertobeseenagain.IwasgivingFelixthatlooknow,buthe
seemedutterlyimpervioustoit.Didn’tevenbataneyelash.Infact,helaughedunderhis
breathasheopenedupthedriver’sdoorandhoppedoutofthecab,movingwiththeease
ofsomeoneverycomfortableinsidetheirownskin.Ihissedundermybreathwhen,
insteadoffillingupthecarandheadinginsidethegasstation,Fixtuggedopentheback
passengerdoor—mydoor—andgesturedratherbluntlyformetogetout.

“Iheadinsidethatbuilding,I’llcomeouttofindmytruckgone,”hesaid,smiling

fromeartoear.“YouthinkI’mthatdumb?”

“Iwasn’tgoingtostealyourtruck,Fix.Youtookthekeyswithyou,forgod’ssake.”

“Youlooklikeagirlwhoknowshowtorigahotwire.Nowcomeon.Andplaynice.

Theguysintheseruralreststopsusuallyhaveaboutfifteenweaponsstrappedtotheir
bodies,they’rebored,andtheyhaveitchytriggerfingers.Onedoe-eyed,please-help-me-
kind-sirlookfromyou,andthey’llbepumpingmefullofbuckshot.”

IfeltalittleunsteadyasIslidoutofthetruck,straightintoFix’sarms.Hisfingers

curvedaroundmysides,pressinglightlyintomyribs,andIcouldfeelthewarmthofhis
bodyradiatingrightthroughmyjacket.“Idon’tneedhelp,thankyou,”Ihissed,tryingto
wrigglefreeofhisgrasp.Heshovedme,steppingforwardatthesametime,sothatmy
backwasbuttedupagainstthesideofthetruckandhischestwasflushagainstmine,my
bodypinnedbetweenthevehicleandhissolid,strong,muscle-packedform.Igasped,
tryingtocatchmybreath.Tryingtofigureoutwhichwasstronger—FelixMarcosa,orthe
FordIwasleaningupagainst.

“Areyoulistening?”hegrowled,leaninginsothatourfacesweremereinchesapart.

“AndwhywouldIcareifyou’reriddledwithbuckshot?”

“Because.Youdon’thateme.You’retryingtoavoidthethoughtaltogether,butyou

actuallyquitelikeme,Sera.Andyou’renotatallsorryabouttheguyIleftontheground
backthereinLibertyFields.Youknowyou’renot.Hewasarapistandlikelyamurderer,
too.Hewasaviolentman,whoreveledinthemiseryandthesufferingofothers,andIcan
tell…you’veseenyourfairshareofpeoplelikehim.”Hereachedupandslowlyranhis
fingersalongtheedgeofmyjaw,alongtheslightlypuckeredlineofmyscar,andajoltof
icerushedthroughmyveins.Iwhippedmyheadtotheside,removingmyselffromhis
touch,shudderingattheveryideathatsomeone,anyone,hadjustdaredtotouchsucha
secret,hidden,vulnerablepartofmewiththeirfingertipsandtheirwords.

“Youhavenofuckingideawhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isnapped,slammingmy

palmsflatagainsthischest,pushinghimfirmlyenoughthathehadtotakeastepback.
“Youdon’tknowme.Youdon’tknowanythingaboutme,mypast,whatI’mthinkingor
whatIlike.You’regraspingatstraws,tryingtoconvinceyourselfthatI’msafe.ThatI’m

notgoingtotellanyonewhatyoudid.Andifthat’swhatneedstohappeninorderforyou
toletmego,thenI’mallforit.Butplease…pleasedon’ttryandconvincemeofanything.
I’mnotthatsimpletofigureout,Fix.You’llneverseeinsideme.You’llneverpiecethe
fracturedpiecesofmebacktogetherlongenoughtomakeawholepicture,sodon’teven
try.”

MyheartwasgallopingawayfrommeasIslidaroundhimandmademywayacross

theforecourt.Ididn’tlookback.Underfoot,thegroundwasbuckledandbroken,huge
rupturesintheconcretecreatingagiantspider’swebofcracks.Weedshadshotupfrom
theearthbeneath,anklehigh,kneehighinplaces,andIcouldn’thelpthinkingit:Amy
andIweresosimilartothoseweeds.We’dbeenbornbeneathapileofshitsohighthatit
seemedimpossiblewe’devermakeanythingofourselves,butsomehow,betweenthe
cracks,we’dmanagedtopushourwaythrough,fighting,andwe’dsurvived.Wewerestill
weeds,though.We’dneverbeanythingmore.

“CanIhelpyou,miss?”Theguybehindthecounter,armedtotheteethasFix

predicted,wasactuallyanoldwoman.Herweaponofchoicewereapairofknitting
needles.Shewasprobablysomeone’sgrandma,andshesmelledoftalcumpowderand
gentle,sicklysweetsmellofsomeonewhomightjustdieanymomentnow.Hercardigan
wasthreesizestoobigforher.Icouldseetheballedupwadoftissuestuffeduptheher
rightsleeveamileaway.Whydidtheelderlyalwaysinsistonkeepingtissuetohandatall
times?Andwhywasapocketorabagnotgoodenough?Whydidithavetobeupthe
sleeve?

“I’mjustgonnalookaroundforasecond,ifthat’sokay?”Isaidsoftly.Mytemper

wasstillflyinghigh,buttherewasnosenseinlashingoutatthepooroldgirlbehindthe
counter,knittingwhatlookedlikebabyclothes.Ipacedupanddowntheaisles,eyes
scanningovertheproductsstackedontheshelvesbutnotreallyseeinganything.Thestrip
lightingoverheadhummedandspat,thelightitselfflaringanddimming,flickering
epileptically—thefirstsignalinanybadhorrormoviethatthingswereabouttogetfucked
up.IpickedupacanofPringles,wonderinghowI’dusethetubeofchipsasameansof
self-defense,andthat’swhenthedooropenedandFixsaunteredin,flickinghishairback
outofhisfacelikesomesortofgoddamneddemigod.Theoldwomanbehindthecounter
stilled,herneedlesceasingtheirrapid-fireclack,clack,clacking,andshejuststaredathim
likeshecouldn’tbelievehereyes.Truly,Ifeltsorryforher.Heraccentwasthickand
local.She’dprobablyneverleftthisshitty,dull,backwater,andshe’dalmostcertainly
neverseenamanlikeFixbefore.Notintheflesh,atleast.Themenaroundherewerebeer
swilling,overweight,andbelligerent,nodoubt—oftheopinionthatbrushingtheirhairor
theirteethwouldmakethema‘pansy’andhalfamanintheeyesofhisguffawingpeers.
Gross.

Fix,ontheotherhand,lookedlikehe’djuststeppedoutofaTVscreenand

accidentallystumbledinsidethegasstationwhiletryingtofindhiswaybacktothe
Oscars.“Good…goodevening?”theoldwomansaid.Shesoundedconfused,asifshe
didn’treallyknowwhattimeofdayitwasanymore,oriftheeveningwasanygood.

Fixflashedherasmilethatcouldeasilyhavestoppedtheoldwoman’sheart;

miraculously,shesurvivedtheexperience.“I’dliketopayforpumpnumberfour,please,”
hepurred.“Andwhatevermyfriendhasdecidedshe’dlike.”

IslappedthecanofPringlesandabottleofwaterdownonthecounter,archingan

eyebrowatFix.“Friend?”

Hegavemearuefulsmile,thenshruggedhisrightshoulderbeforewrappinghisarm

aroundme.“You’reright.Sorry,Angel.”Hegavetheoldwomanaconspiratorialflashof
histeeth,hiseyeswrinklingeversoslightlyatthecorners.“She’smygirlfriend.We’re
goingtoawedding,y’know.I’mmeetingthefamilyforthefirsttime.”

“Oh,welldon’tyoubenervous,”shesaid,waggingherfingerathim.“Manners.

That’sallyouneedtomakeagoodimpression.Youseemlikeacharmingyoungman,and
you,mydear,seemlikealovelyyounglady,aswell.I’msureyourfolksaregoingtobe
thrilledtomeetyournewbeau.”Shepokedhertongueoutinareallyweirdandawkward
way,winkingatme,andIcouldn’treininthecringethatbunchedmybrow.Ifshesawmy
expression,shedidn’treacttoit,though.SheacceptedFix’scash,gigglinglikealittlegirl
whenhechangedhismindatthelastminuteanddecidedtobuyalollipop.Hetorethe
wrapperrightoffthecandyandshoveditintohismouththereandthenatthecounter.

Twoidenticalpinkdotsofembarrassmentblossomedhighontheoldwoman’s

cheeks,andafiendishsmiletoreacrossFix’sownface.Thereappearedtobelifeinthe
oldgirlyet.Fixknewthesightofhimsuckingonthatthingwashavinganeffectonthe
cashier,andhewasdelightingintheattention.Imean,Icouldn’tdenyit—therewas
somethingdamneddistractingaboutagrownmansuckingonalollipop.Fix’smouthwas
sheerperfection.Hislipswerefull,andfuckmeiftheyweren’tperfectlybitable.I’d
learnedthatlastnight,whenI’dfallenintobedwithhimwithoutacluewhohereallywas.
Itwasagoodthinghedidn’tcastmeasidewaysglance;heundoubtedlywouldhave
foundidenticalflushedcheeksonme,too.

Grabbingthebagtheoldwomanhadplacedmyitemsinto,Istormedoutofthegas

station,kickingmyselfforreacting.I’dmadeahostofremarkablystupiddecisionsinmy
life,butallowingFelixMarcosatocrawlhiswayundermyskinwasn’tgoingtobeoneof
them.

Backinthecar,Iclimbedintothefrontseatofthetruckinsteadoftheback.Sitting

nexttoFixwasn’thighonmylistofpriorities,butatleastIcouldwatchhimproperly
fromthepassengerseat.Andifhetriedanything,Ihadabetterchanceofseeingit
coming.

Fixstartedtheengine,thenmadeasofthummingsound,pushingthelollipopintothe

sideofhischeek.“You’regoingtohavetostopscowlingatsomepoint,Sera.”

“I’llstopscowlingwhenyougetinthistruckanddriveoffwithoutme.”

Helaughed,asifthisamusedhimgreatly.“Thenyou’regonnadevelopsomedeep

linesonthatprettyforeheadofyours,Angel.”

Hetoreoutoftheparkinglotlikethecopswerealreadyonourtail.

NINE

SIXSMITH

SERA

“Thisplaceisafuckingshithole,girl.Whathaveyoubeendoingallday?”

Itriednottotremble.Sixsmithdidn’tlikeitwhenweshowedfear.Healsodidn’tlikeit

whenweshowedanyformofconfidence,arroganceordefiance,soItrainedmyfaceinto
theblankestexpressionIcouldandrosefromthechairwhereI’dbeensittingatthe
scuffeddiningtable.

Thekitchenwasn’tamess.I’dspentthreehourscleaningit,untilthecountertops,

regardlessofthecrackedandchippedtiles,weresparkling.Thefloordidn’thaveamark
onit.Thetrashwasempty.Therewasn’tadirtycup,plate,orbowlinsight,andyetI’d
knownitwouldn’tmattertomyfather.Healwaysdidthis—camehomesteamingdrunkin
themiddleofthenight,whenCressida,thebartenderatthedivebarmyfatherfrequented
everynight,finallycuthimoffandrefusedtoservehimanymore.He’dbepissedthathe
hadn’tbeenabletogetthatfinalbeerhe’dwhinedandpleadedfor,andhe’dcomehome
andtakeitoutonmysisterandme.Tonight,I’dhelpedAmywithherhomeworkandmade
sureshe’dgonetobedearly,though.SomeonehadtowaituptoserveSixsmithhisdinner.
Thatsomeonewouldbearthefullbruntofhiswrath,anditservednopurposefor
Sixsmith’sangertofallonAmy’sshoulders,whenminewerebroadenoughtotakeit,and
haddonesomanytimesbefore.

Myfatherstalkedaroundthekitchen,hisshoulder-lengthhairstringywithsweat,his

eyesbloodshotandroving;hewassearchingforsomething.Somethingtopunishmefor.
Yankingopenthefridgedoor,hebentover,inspectingthecontentsinside.

“There’snobeerinhere,”hesnarled,straightening,thenslammingthedoorclosed.

“IthoughtItoldyoutomakesurethisthingwasfullystockedbythetimeIgotback?”His
mouthwastwistedintoanuglysneerasheturnedtolookatme.

“Iboughtgroceries.IgoteverythingIcould.Itriedtobuythebeer,buttheguyatthe

storeaskedmeforID.HesaidheknewIwasonlythirteen.”

Thedisgustthatrippledoffmyfatherwasatangiblething,andmadethehairsonthe

backofmyneckstandtoattention.“Don’tsassme,youlittlebitch.Youshouldhave
convincedhimyouwereoldenough.”

I’ddonemybesttopersuadethestoreclerkthathewasmistaken,thatIwasinfact

outofhighschoolandalmostfinishedatcollegenow,buthehadn’tbelievedmefora
second.Still,I’dtriedagainandagain,untilthegnarledguybehindthetillhad
threatenedtocallthecopsifIdidn’tscat.“Hisdaughter’sinmyyear,”Isaidquietly.“He
saidhe’dseenmeatschool,andheknewIwaslying.TherewasnothingIcoulddo.”

“Bullshit!”Myfatherspattheword,andflecksofsalivaflewfromhismouth.Itried

nottostareatthefineropeofspittlehangingdownfromthecornerofhismouth.“You’re
adumblittleslut,Sera.Youknowexactlyhowtogetamantodowhatyouwant.I’veseen
thewayyoulookatthatboydownthestreet.Youpushyourtitsouttotryandgethis
attention.Youcouldhavejustsmiledatthatprickandmadehimharderthanconcrete.
He’dhavegivenyouanythingyouwanted.”

Thiswasn’tgoingwellatall.Cressidamusthaveservedalittlelongerthanusual,or

perhapsSixsmithhadscrapedsomecashtogetherandmanagedtofillhishipflaskwith
cheapwhiskeyonhiswaytothebar.Eitherway,hewasmuchdrunkerthanusual,andhe
washummingwithanewkindofrage,evenmorevolatileandunpredictablethanusual.
Hishandswereballedupintofistsashesteppedtowardme,andaboltofice-coldfear
chaseddownmyspine.ThedoortothelivingroomwasbehindSixsmith,andtherewasno
wayI’dbeabletomakeittothedooronmyright,thebackdoorleadingoutintothe
garden,withouthimgrabbingholdofmefirst.Iswallowed,forcingmybodytoremain
absolutelystill.

“Idon’tknowhowtoflirtwithmen,”Isaidevenly.“Ican’tdoth—”

Lightningfast,Sixsmithlungedformeandgrabbedholdofthefirstthinghecould:

myhair.Painrippedacrossmyscalp—itfeltlikehewastearingeverystrandoutbythe
root—butIdidn’tscream.ScreamingdidsomethingtoSixsmiththatIcouldn’t
comprehend.Itmadehisbreathinghard,andlitawildfireinhiseyesthatterrifiedthe
ever-lovingshitoutofme.“Don’tlietome,”hehissed.“You’reluckyIdon’ttakeyou
overmykneeandtanyourassraw.Iknowyou’vegivenituptohalftheboysintown.
You’reawhore.You’reworsethanawhore.Atleasthookersgetpaidforopeningtheir
legs.You’vebeenlettingpeopleridetheshitoutofyouforfun.”

Ihadn’tletanyoneridemeforfun.Ihadn’tletanyoneridemeatall.Brody,ajockin

theyearaboveme,hadtriedtoholdmyhandlastsemester,butwhenI’dattemptedto
clawhiseyesoutofhishead,screamingatthetopofmylungs,hystericaland
uncontrollable,he’dshovedmesohardthatI’dfallenontomyassinfrontoftheentire
canteen.Afterthat,I’dbeenbrandedfrigid.Crazy.Retarded.Notasingleboyhadlooked
atmesince.Isureashellhadn’tbeenpushingmytitsouttogetanyone’sattention.I’d
beenstrappingthemdownforthelastyearorso,desperatelytryingtodisguisethefact
thatIwasdevelopingawoman’sbody,buteventuallyI’dhadtogiveup.Itwasimpossible
tohideanymore.

Sixsmithjerkedmyhead,andIbittheinsideofmycheek;Iwantedtofightback.I

wantedtodefendmyself,butI’dbeenherebefore.Oncemyfather’stemperreachedthis
stage,therewasnothingtobedone.IfIlashedout,pushedhimaway,ortriedtoescape,
thingswouldbesomuchworseforme.Iformedtheshapeofaguninsidemyhead,andI
imaginedwhatitwouldbeliketograspholdofitbyitscoldmetalhandle,toslidemy

fingerupagainstthetrigger.Toaimtheweaponatmyfather,andpull…

“NowthatIcometothinkaboutit,maybeI’vebeenlookin’atthisallwrong,”

Sixsmithsaid,wipinghismouthwiththebackofhistattooedhand.“Maybeyou’dlike
sellingyourassformoney.I’msureyou’dbegoodatit.”

Myeyeswerestinging,fillingwithtears,butIdidn’tsayanything.Arguingwasabad

idea.Movingwasabadidea.Evenbreathingwasabadidea.Sixsmithletgoofmyhair
andslidhishanddown,acrossmyface,overmycheek,cuppingmyheadbeneathmychin,
forcingmetostandupstraightandlookathim.Hewaslikeaderangeddog.Lookinghim
intheeyewasneveranoption,fartoodangerous,soIfocusedontheendofhisnose,
prayingthiswouldbeoverquickly.Sometimesitwasoverquickly.Therewerenightswhen
hecamehomeandhewassounbalancedbythealcoholinhissystemthathe’donlyhitme
onceortwice,andthenhe’dstaggerintothelivingroomandslumpdownintohisrecliner,
snoringalmostimmediately.Itwasafutilehope,though.Tonight,Sixsmithwasfiredup.
Hewasprobablygoingtodragthisoutaslongashecould.Hewasprobablygoingto
makeithurt.

Leaninginclose,hewhisperedtome,“Youthinkyou’resomuchbetterthanme,don’t

you?”Hisbreathreekedofrottenteethandstalebooze,asmellI’dgrownsoaccustomed
tothatIdidn’tevenflinchatitanymore.“ANSWERME,BITCH!”

Acoupleofyearsago,Sixsmithhadn’tpaidtherentonthetiny,dingyapartmentwe’d

beenlivingin,andwe’dbeenkickedout.Thethreeofus,Sixsmith,Amy,andme,hadall
gonetoliveatmygrandfather’shouseforawhile,untilSixsmith‘gotbackonhisfeet’.
It’dtakenalongtimeforSixsmithtogetmoneytogetherforanewplace,andsotherehad
beenaperiodoftimewhenthingshadgottenbetter.Sixsmithhatedhisfather,buthe’d
neverraisehisvoiceorhisfiststouswhenwewereundertheoldman’sroof.My
grandfatherwasanex-militaryman,ahardassthatneversmiled,rarelyspoke,and
gloweredatAmyandmewheneverwewereintheroom.Hewouldneverhavetolerated
Sixsmithtreatingusbadly,though.Hehadthatonethinggoingforhim.

Ifoundmyselfwishingwewerebackthere,inthatstuffy,silent,mausoleumofa

house,underthewatchfuleyeoftheGeneral,asthehatebeamingoutofmyfather’sface
flickered,transitioningintosomethingelsealtogether.Thesneerdisappeared,replacedby
avacant,loosesmile.“IbetJacobwouldgivememoneyforyou,”hesaid.“Thatpervy
bastard’sbeensendinglooksyourwayforacoupleofyearsnow.”

Ohgod.Myheartratesoaredthroughtheroof,andIcouldn’tdoitanymore.I

couldn’tliveinsidecalm,flat,lifelessSeraanymore.Ibecamescared,angry,panicked
Sera,explodingintoaction,tryingtoripmyselffreefromSixsmith’sgrasp.Hehadholdof
mebythethroatnow,though.Andhewasn’tlettinggo.“Sixsmith,please…”Icroaked,as
hisgriptightenedaroundmyesophagus,crushing,preventingmefromdrawinginbreath.
Wasthereawayoutofthissituationrightnow?Icouldn’tthink.Couldn’tdecidewhatto
do.Couldn’tfathomawaytomakehimreleasemesothatIcouldbolttofreedom.Along,
torturoussecondpassed,andIwatchedasasparkofexcitementflaredinsideSixsmith.

“IbetSamHarrodanwouldclearallthatmoneyIowehimifIlethimsinkhisdick

insidethatprettylittlemouthofyours,too.Thegirlshehashangingaroundhisplaceare
alwaysyoung.Fucker’salwaysactingsogoddamnhighandmighty,butIknow.Iknow
whatapieceofshitheis.”

“Sixsmith,please!I’msorry.I’llgetthebeernexttime,Ipromise.”Icouldn’tthinkof

anythingelsetosay.TheinsideofSixsmith’sheadwasalabyrinthofbizarreand
confusingpathwaysthatmadenosensetome.Tryingtofigureoutexactlywhattosayto
himandwhenhadalwayscompletelyescapedme,andnow,withhishandblockingoff
oxygen,starvingme,Ihadnocluehowtoappeasehim.Hewascold,andhewasevil,and
wheneverhegotanideahethoughtmightbenefithim,hegrabbedholdofitwithboth
hands.Therewasachancehewasdrunkenoughthathewouldn’trememberthisinthe
morning,buttheprospectthathewouldrememberit,thathe’dbecallingonhisfriendsto
seeiftheywantedtouseandabusemybodyinlieuofhisdebts,mademyentirebeingsing
interror.

Myfathersmiled,flashingmebroken,crookedteeth,discoloredfromthecigaretteshe

chain-smokedeverywakinghouroftheday.“Yeah,Sera.Thatpleadingtone…They’d
probablylikethat.They’dprobablylikeitifyouputupabitofafight.”

Pureinstinctclawedatme,demandingIreact.Ihadtogetoutofthekitchen.Ihadto

getoutofthehousealtogether.Buthow?Sixsmithwasn’tabigguy.Heusedtobefairly
fit,backwhenMomwasstillalive,butovertheyearssincehe’dlethimselfwaste.His
midsectionwasbloatedandstrainedagainsthist-shirt,andhisarmswerewiry,barely
strongatallanymore.Noneofthatchangedthefactthathewasnearlytwofeettallerthan
meandaman,whileIwasaslenderthirteen-year-oldgirl.Icouldn’toverpowerhim,
therewasnochanceofthat,soIdidtheonlythingIcouldthinkoftobreakfree.I
scrambled,tryingtosteadymyself,andthenIdrewmylegbackandIswung…

Mykneefounditsmarkasecondlater,andSixsmith’seyeswidened.Therewasa

momentwhenIthoughttheblowI’ddealthimtohisballshadhadnoeffectwhatsoever,
andthenSixsmith’shandfellfrommythroat.Hecrumpledforward,groaning,apained
exhalationescapinghislungsasheclutchedathisstomachandbetweenhislegs.

“You…stupid…cunt,”hewheezed.“Youstupidfuckingcunt.Youshouldn’thavedone

that.”

Asecondlater,Iwasrunning.Ismashedmyhipagainstthecornerofthetableinmy

hastetoreachthebackdoor,andIsuckedinagaspofair,forcingthepainawayasItook
holdofthedoorhandleandtwisted.Thedooropened,andasurgeofreliefwashedover
me.Sixsmithwasstillbentdouble,tryingtoregainhimself.Hewasn’tfollowingafterme.I
wasfastwhenIneededtobe,IcouldputaconsiderabledistancebetweenusifIpushed
myselfashardasIcould—

Amy.

Myfracturedthoughtscametoascreechinghalt.Ohmygod.Mysister.Shewastwo

yearsyoungerthanme,butinherheadshewasmuchyoungerstill.Herbodywasstill
thatofachild.IfIrannow,ifIleftthisstinking,miserablehouse,filledwithsomany
terrible,bittermemories,I’dbeleavingAmybehind.AndSixsmith…therewasnotelling

whatSixsmithwoulddotoher.IfIleft,hemightuseherinmyplace.Shemightbetheone
hetriedtobartertoclearhisdebtsandearnsomeextracash.

Myhandstilledonthedoorhandle.Myfeetwerestilltryingtomoveforwardand

carrymeawayfromthisgod-awfulplace,butitwasasifasolid,crushingweightwas
suddenlyfixingmetothespot.Icouldn’tdoit.Icouldn’tgoandleaveherbehind.I’d
neverbeabletoforgivemyself.

Mybonesweresteel.Myskinwasdread.Myheartwasfear.Mysoulwas…gone.I

turnedbackaround,andIfacedmyfather.

SixsmithroaredashegrabbedthekitchenknifeI’dleftinthedryingrackearlier.I

sawtheflashofthebladeashehurtledtowardme,andIfeltmyfearleaveme.Hewas
goingtokillme.Afterallthis.Afterthebeatings,andtheabuse,andthescreaming,and
constantlywalkingoneggshellseverydayforaslongasIcouldremember,hewasfinally
goingtokillme.I’ddeniedmyselfthefreedomthatleavingwouldgrantmejustnow,but
thiswasanescapeoutsideofmycontrol.Iwouldn’tbeabletostophim.

“I’mgonnamakeyoubegforyourfuckinglife,”Sixsmithgrowled.Advancing,he

heldtheknifealoft,andmyheartstopped.Thebladeseemedtotakeforevertoreachme.I
thoughthewouldplungeitstraightintomychest,buthedidn’t.Heheldittomyneck,
baringhisteeth.“Beg,Sera.Begmenottofuckingkillyou.”

Iwantedto.Beggingwasn’tbeneathme.Ifitwouldsavemylife,andsaveAmyfrom

futuremisery,too,thenIwoulddoit.Itwasasmallpricetopay.ButwhenIattemptedto
pushthewordsoutofmymouth,theywouldn’tcome.Myvoicehadfledme.Everything
hadfledme.Isighed,lettinggoofthebreathI’dbeenholding,andIfeltstrangelylight.
AsifI’dbeenrelievedofaburdenI’dbeencarryingaroundwithmeforsolongthatIhad
forgottenallaboutituntilnow.

Sixsmithpressedthebladeharderagainstmyskin,andIdidn’tmove.Ididn’tblink.

Myfather’seyeswereavoid,blackandbottomless,mercilessandcruel.“Beg,”he
hissed.

WhenIdidnothing,Sixsmith’sfacecontortedintoarictusofpure,uninhibitedfury.I

waitedforthepiercing,burningagonythatwouldaccompanyhavingmythroatslitfrom
eartoear,butitnevercame.Instead,painflaredalongmyjawline,asSixsmithslashedto
therightwiththeblade.Amomentofshockclaimedme;he’dcutmyface?

Theknifeclatteredtothefloor,andthenSixsmith’shandsweretearingatme,ripping

atmyclothes.TheNASAt-shirtIwaswearingripped,thesoundfillingthekitchen,and
thenhewastuggingatmybra.

IthoughtI’dknownfearbefore.Therehadbeencountlessmomentsinmylifewhen

I’dbeensoclaimedbymyownfearthatIthoughtI’dneverbeabletosurfacefromit
again.Atleastnotwhole.Butnow,withSixsmithgreedilystaringdownatmyexposed
body,IexperiencedaleveloffearIhadn’tevenknownpossible.

Thesmellofcopperfloodedmynose.Somethingwetandwarmwasflowingdownmy

neck,butitwasn’tuntilIcaughtsightofthebrightcrimsondropletshittingmybare

breaststhatIrealizedIwasbleedingsobadly.Sixsmithliftedhisrighthand,anditwas
shaking.Iwasnevergoingtoforgethowterriblyhishandshookashereachedoutand
tentativelycuppedmybreast.Iwasmarble,solidandimmoveable.Whatwashedoing?
What…howcouldhe…why?Myskinwascrawling,athousandinsectsburrowingintomy
pores,asSixsmithsuckedhisbottomlipintohismouth.Hewasn’tshoutinganymore.His
angerhadevaporated,leavingbehindastrange,rottingsilencethatcoatedmelike
grease.Sixsmithstared.Notatmyface,butatmychest.Ineededtocovermyselfup,hide
myselfawayfromhim.Heshouldn’tbelookingatmethewayhewaslookingatme.It
wasn’tright.Itwasn’trightatall.

Myfatherwasnolongerstandinginthekitchenwithme.He’dgonesomewherefar

away,withdrawnintohimself,andallheseemedtoregisternowwasthefactthathewas
holdingmybreastinhiscuppedhand.Slowly,hemovedhisfingers,andherolledmy
nipplebetweenthem.

Mymindwasfragile.Itwasgoingtosnapintwo.Icouldn’t…Icouldn’teven…

“Daddy?”

Amystoodinthedoorwaytothelivingroom.Herpajamabottomsweretwisted

aroundherbody,asifshe’dbeentossingandturninginhersleepagain.She’dneverbeen
averygoodsleeper.Hereyeswerewide,herfaceashen,drainedofallitsusualcolor.
Thereweretearsstreamingdownhercheeks—silverribbonsofabjectgriefandhorror.

“Daddy,whatareyoudoing?”shewhispered.

Sixsmithrecoiledlikehe’dbeenstung,hishandpullingbackfrommyskin.Theanger

returnedinaflash,contortinghisfaceoncemore.Ihiccupped—thestrangestreactionto
whathadjusttakenplace—thenIwasgrapplingwiththetornmaterialofmyshirt,trying
tocovermyself,handsfranticandtrembling.

“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Sixsmithspatbetweengrittedteeth.“You’remeantto

beasleep.”Roundingonme,heliftedhishandandwhippeditout,strikingmesohard
acrossthefacethatIstumbled,mylegsgivingoutunderneathme.“Gethertobed.And
getthismesscleanedup.You’reafuckingdisgrace.”

Themess,ofcourse,wasmyownblood.Large,round,fatspattersofredstainedthe

floor,andagoodamountofithadrundownthelengthofmybodyandpooledatmybare
feet,collectingbetweenmytoes.Ihiccuppedagain,pressingmypalmtomyburning
cheek,bitingtheurgetoburstintotearsmyself.

Thebackdooropened.

Thebackdoorclosed.

Sixsmithwasgone.

TEN

ROADTRIP

FIX

Seraslept.Dreaming.TwitchinginherseatasIdrove.Sheclearlyhadn’tmeanttofall
asleep,butaboutahundredmilespastWichitaherexhaustionhadclaimedher,andher
eyelidshadfallenshut.I’dthoughtaboutturningontheradio,butthendecidedagainstit.
Iwasn’tplanningonstoppingatalluntilwereachedourdestination,sothiswasprobably
goingtobetheonlyrestshegot.Disturbingher,ontopoffrighteningtheshitoutofher,
kidnappingherandforcinghertobemyunwillingco-pilot,seemedalittleunfair.

I’dstucktothespeedlimitandobservedtheroadrulesaswe’dtraveledforhours,the

skyturningfromovercastandgrey,toclearblue,tobruisedorange,thenred,andthen
dippingintodarkness.Theroadswerequiet.Barelymorethanahandfulofvehicles
passedusasIheadedeast.Eventually,wehitMemphis,andonandonIkeptdriving.

Ataroundoneinthemorning,mycellphone,clippedintothemountonthedash,lit

up,signalinganincomingcall.Eventherapid,brightflashingofMonica’snameonthe
screenseemedangry.Great.Ishouldn’tanswerit.Shewasboundtoyellatme,andeven
ontheotherendofthetelephonelinethatwasboundtobeloudenoughtowakeSera.
MonicahadasetoflungsonhertorivalaUFCannouncer.HowlongcouldIkeep
avoidingthewoman,though?Timewasrunningout.She’dswornshe’dcomeandfindme
ifshehadto,andIwasn’tabouttoputitpasther.She’ddonecrazierthingsinthepast.

One-handed,Iconnectedheadphonesintothecell,stuffedthebudsinmyears,andhit

thegreenanswerbutton.

“Yeah?”

Therewassilenceforasecond,thenMonicareplied.“Yeah?Yeah?That’showyou

answeryourphonetome?”

Ohboy.“I’mdriving,Monica.Isthisimportant,orcanitwait?”

“No,itcannotwait.Mygod,whatthehell’sgottenintoyou,Fix?We’reworkingona

deadlinehere,andyou’vejust…Idon’tevenknowwhatyou’redoing.You’vegone
rogue!”

“HowthefuckhaveIgonerogue?”

“Language,”shechided,tuttingunderherbreath.“Ifyoulistenedtomyvoicemails,

oractuallypickedupyourphoneeveryonceinawhile,you’dknowthisisimportant.You

dealtwiththeHalfordissue,correct?”

“Yeah.”Iwasn’tabouttoexplaintoherwhathadhappenedrightafterFranzhad

fallendowndead,orwhereIwasheadednow.Thatwasjustaninvitationforanear
chewing.

“Ourotherclientwantstoknowifwe’vecompletedworkandwe’rereadytoaccept

therestofourdonation.”

“Justtellhimweneedalittlemoretime.”

“Fortygrand,Fix.Wealreadytookhalf.He’sgettingimpatient.Makingnoisesabout

gettingarefundandtakinghismoneyelsewhere.”

Iwhistledquietlythroughmyteeth.“Itdoesn’tworklikethat.We’renotJ.C.fucking

Penny.Hecan’tjustgetarefund.”

“Thenyou’dbetterdothework,Fix!”Monica’sfrustrationtravelleddownthephone

veryclearly.

MonicaandIhadneverdiscussedthefactthatweshouldn’ttalkaboutaccepting

moneyforkillingpeopleoverthephone;itwasjustcommonsense.Ourclient’sfeeswere
tailoredtomatchthelevelofdangerandriskthejobentailed.Fiftygrandforalowrisk
mark.Seventyforlowrentgangbangersandcriminals.Ninetyforwellprotected,violent
andhazardousindividuals.Monicaassessedeachmarkcarefullyandquotedapricebased
offtheinformationshegathered,soforhertohaveassignedafortythousanddollarprice
tagtomyoutstandingjobclearlyindicatedhowquicklysheintendedmetotakecareofit.
Ihadtheothermanilaenvelopeintheglovebox,waitingtobeassessed.Icouldn’tdoit
now,though.Ijustcouldn’t.

“I’montheroadforthenextfewdays,”Isaidquietly,crackingmyknuckles.“Ican

gettoitinaweek.Maybetendays.”

“Nocando,Fix.Thismatter’stimesensitivefortheclient.”

“I’msureyou’llhandlehimforme,Monica.Youalwaysdo.I’llcallagainintwenty-

fourhours.”

“Fix!Twenty-fourhoursis—”

“Twenty-fourhoursisthebestIcando,”Isnapped,grindingthewordsout.Monica

knewmymoods.She’dwitnessedfirsthandhowquicklyIcouldsnapifpushedtoofar.
EvenIknewIwasfrighteningtobearoundoncethedarknessgrappledholdofme.I
usuallydidwhateverIcouldtoavoidsinkingintothatpitofangerandturmoil,butthelast
dayandahalfhadtriedmypatiencebeyondmeasure.“Becareful,”Iwarned.“Givemea
day.Also,givemeafuckingbreak.Don’ttextorcallmeagain.Ineedtimetoworkthis
out.I’llbeintouch.”

“Fix—”

Ihungupthephone,stabbingatthecellphonescreensohardInearlyknockedthe

damnthingoutofitscradleonthedashboard.Motherfucker.Workingalonewouldhave

beenmuch,mucheasierthanhavingtodealwithMonica.Shewashyperemotional,
stubbornasanox,anddemandingasfuck.God,itwouldhavebeengreatnevertohaveto
arguewithheragain,orfieldherconstant,pryingquestioning.Butthenagainitwasbetter
tokeeptheadminandthemuscleseparate.Peopleweretwitchyaroundme.Ithadnothing
todowithwhoIwasasaperson,whatIlookedlike,howIactedorbehavedinfrontof
them.Mostpeoplehadacrisisofconsciencewhentheylookedthemanthey’daskedto
murdersomeoneintheeye.Theyexpectedjudgmentfromme.Theirownguiltconvinced
themthattheysawitwrittenalloverme,andtheycouldn’tdeal.Whentheymetwith
Monica,theywerefacedwithasympathetic,understanding,kindmiddleman.Therewasa
safe,reassuringcodeinplaceduringallconversations.Therewasusuallyasafe,friendly
placetomeet.Therewasusuallyaglassortwoofwhiskeytocalmthenerves.Monica
wasadisconnectbetweenactionandconsequence,andthatsuitedmostfolksdowntothe
ground.Typically,theydidn’twanttohaveanyideawhowouldbecommittingtheact.
Theyjustwantedtogetitdoneandmoveonwiththeirlives,whilesomeoneelse,
somewhereelse,losttheprivilegeoflivingtheirs.SoMonicawasanecessary,annoying
evil.Iwasstuckwithher.

Besideme,Sera’slegstensed,lockingoutinfrontofher.Herbodywentrigid,her

backcurlingawayfromtheseatbeneathher,andherfingerstwitchedviolently.Fuck.Had
sheheardthephoneconversation?No.No,whenshewhimpered,Iknewshewasstill
dreaming.Worse.Bythelooksofthings,shewasdrowninginthedepthsofanightmare.

Itwasonethingallowinghertosleep,torestandrecuperate,butlettinghersuffer

throughsomethingharshenoughtomakeherbodytwistandcontortwhileshewas
unconsciouswassomethingelseentirely.Ishouldn’thavecared.Ishouldn’thavegivena
fuck,but…

Iturnedontheradio,swiftlyadjustingthevolumecontrolsothatthesoundofsome

rocky,upbeathipstersongfilledthecabofthetruck.Itwasenoughtodrawherfromher
sleep.Herbodybowed,flexing,beforesheblinkedblearily,turningherheadasshetook
inhersurroundings,nodoubtrememberingwhereshewas.Herexpressionwashardas
flintwhenshepushedherselfupinherseat,blowingoutalong,unsteadybreathdownher
nose.

“Wherearewe?”Hervoicewassoftenedbysleep,buttherewasanedgetoherwords

thatsaidshewasstillveryunhappytobelockedinamovingvehiclewithme.

“JustpassedMeridian.”

“HowlonguntilwegettoFairhope?”

“Anotherfewhours.We’llgettherejustafterdawn.You’llprobablyhaveenough

timetopassoutforacoupleofhoursbeforeyoursisterneedsyou.”

Sera’sreliefwasobvious.Herhairfellinsoftwavesaroundherface,framingit

perfectly.I’dbeenwithmanyattractivewomenbefore,buttherewassomethingdifferent
abouther.Somethingthatmademychestfeeltight.Herfeatureswerefineanddelicate,
andatfirstglancegaveherthelookofsomeonewhoneededprotectingfromtheworld.
Butthesharp,intelligent,piercingwayshelookedatmealteredallofthat.Shedidn’t

needprotecting.Shewascapableoftakingcareofherself,andwasreadyandabletodoso
atamoment’snotice.Perhapsthat’swhyIfoundmyselfdrawntohersomuch;shewas
uncontainable,raw,andbold,andshewasn’tafraidofmeintheslightest.Silly,sillygirl.
Ifshe’dhadanyideawhatwasgoodforher,shewouldhavebeenterrified.

“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”shemurmured,anglingherbodyawayfromme.

“Likewhat?”

“Don’tplaygames,Fix.”

“I’mnotplayinganything.”

Shetutted,shakingherhead.“Youwerelookingatmethesamewayyoulookedat

metheothernight.”

“Youmean,rightbeforeIsankmycockinsideyou?”

Mostgirlswouldbeembarrassedorannoyedatmydirectness.They’dshyawayfrom

themerementionofwhattookplacebetweenus.Iwaskindoflookingforwardtoacoy
reactionfromSera,butIwasshitoutofluck.Sheeyedmefiercely,settingherjaw,her
gazeunwavering.“Yeah.Rightbeforeyousankyourcockinsideme,”sheconfirmed.
“Rightbeforefuckedmesenseless,mademecomeharderthanIeverhaveinmylife,and
turnedmywholefuckingworldupsidedown.”

Ha.Somuchformebeingdirect.LookedlikeSerawasthequeenofdirect.“Ican’t

helpit,”Itoldher,alternatingmyattentionbetweenherandtheroad.“Iwasfascinatedby
you.Istillam.”

“Well,don’tbe.YoulosttherighttomakeeyesatmethemomentIwalkedintothat

buildingandwatchedyoukillthatguy.”

“Whatyousawdoesn’tchangeanything,Angel.Youwereattractedtomebackinthat

motelroom.Isawitonyourface.Ismelleditonyourbody.IfeltitwhenIslidmyhand
downthefrontofyourpantiesanddiscoveredhowwetthatbeautifulpussyofyourswas.
Anattractionlikethatdoesn’tjustgoaway.”

Herlipspartedintoahalf-snarl.“Youcan’tbeserious.Ofcourseitdoes!I’mnot

insane.ThemomentIsawwhatyoudid,anyandallattractionIfeltforyouwentupin
smoke.”

“False.Youstillcan’tstoplookingatme,thinkingaboutwhathappenedbetweenus,

andyouhateyourselfforit.Youdon’twanttowantme.Youdon’twanttoknowthatI’ve
beeninsideyou,andthatwhenyoucloseyoureyesyoucanstillfeelmeinsideyou,but
it’sthetruth.Denyitallyouwant.Iknowit’strue.Youhateme,hatewhoIam,but
there’saverylargepartofyouthatwantsmetofuckyouagain,Sera.Mydick’sthebest
you’veeverhad.”

Hereyeswerethesizeofsilverdollarsasshestaredatme,herfacegrowingpalerand

palerbythesecond.“Youreallythinkyou’reuntouchable,don’tyou?Youthinknoone
canresistyou,regardlessofthefactthatyou’reamonster.”

“No.Idon’tthinkthat.Ithinkmostwomenwouldhavekilledthemselvestryingto

getawayfrommebynow,nomatterhowgreatthesexwas.Youhaven’ttriedtogetaway,
Sera.You’vethoughtaboutit.I’veseenthelookonyourface.Iletyoukeepthatphonein
yourpocketjusttoseewhatyou’ddo,andyouhaven’ttriedtoaskanyoneforhelp.The
truthofthematteristhatyou’renothorrifiedbywhatI’vedone.Youdon’tcarethatI’m
punishingthebadguys,eventhoughyouknowyoushould.Andyoucan’ttampdownthe
needyoufeeleverytimeyoufuckinglookatme,becauseIcanreaditalloveryourbody.
Lookatyourhandsrightnow,pressedflatagainstyourthighs.You’repalmsaresweating,
andallwe’redoingistalkingaboutsex.”

“Well…Idon’twanttotalkaboutsexanymore.”

“Whynot?”

“Because!Becauseit’sfuckingpointless!”Shewasflustered.Hercheekswere

scarlet,andhereyeswereshiningalittletoobrightly.

“Okay,okay.Nosex.Whatdoyouwanttotalkaboutinstead?”Iaskedher,tryingto

bitebackasmile.Thiswasmorefunthatitshouldbe,butitwasherownfault.She
presentedherselfinsuchatoughlight.UnbreakableSera.Ifshewasn’tsodeterminedto
maintainhercool,thenitwouldbefarlessfunwatchingherloseit.

“Idon’tcare.Anything,”shesaid,foldingherarmsacrossherchest.

“Allright.Tellmewhatwereyoudreamingaboutjustnow.”

Silence.

IknewI’daskedthewrongthingthemomentthewordsleftmylips,butitwastoo

latetodragthequestionbackandreclaimitnow.Thetruckwasalreadyswampedwith
tension.Seralookedstraightaheadoutofthewindshield,andforalong,longtimeshe
heldhertongue.Whatevershe’dbeendreamingabout,itmusthavebeenterribleforherto
shutdownsoabruptly.Itwasdone,though.Therewasnogoingback.Icouldpractically
hearhergrindingherteethtogetheragain.

“Howaboutwedon’ttalkatall?”shemurmured.

Andsothatwasthat.TheremainderofthejourneytoFairhopetookplaceinsilence.

ELEVEN

DON’TGETANYIDEAS

SERA

Thechapelwasiconic.White.Tiny.Cuteasfuck.Thekindofchapelthatwentonthetop
ofaweddingcake.Itwasvisiblefromthebottomofthelong,winding,sweepingroadthat
leduptoEasterleighEstates,thevenueBen’sparentshadpaidfifteenthousanddollarsto
securefortheirbigday.Madness.

Fixmadeaclipped,clickingsoundaswewoundourwayuptheroadtowardthemain

hotel,wherethebridalpartywereundoubtedlystillfastasleep.“Thisplacelookslikehell
onearth,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.Theywerethefirstwordshe’dpartedwithsince
he’daskedmeaboutmynightmare—thesamereoccurringnightmarethatplaguedmeso
regularly—andtheywereamirrortomyownthoughts.

“Mysisterlikesprettythings,”wasallIofferedinresponse.

“Andyou?Youdon’tlikeallthis…pompandceremony?”Hewrinkledhisnose.“You

wouldn’thaveallthebellsandwhistlesifyougotmarried?”

“I’dnevergetmarriedinthefirstplace.”

Hegrunted.“Youknowwe’regoingtohavetosharearoomagain,right?”

Mynostrilsflared,acoldfingerstrokingitswaydownmyback.I’dalreadyrealized

we’dhavetoshareabedagain.Thehotelwasatcapacity,filledwithAmy’sother
numerousguests,andontopofthatmysisterwouldhavequestionsifthemanIbrought
asmydatetoherweddingwassleepinginanotherroom.ThefactthatI’drealizedthis
didn’tmaketheideaofsharingaroomwithFixanymorecomfortable,however.Fix
pulledupoutsidethelarge,colonialbuilding,litupbycolumnsofbright,andIstruggled
toswallowdownthelumpthathadriseninmythroat.

“Youcansleeponthecouch.”Igotoutofthetruckassoonastheenginedied,and

Fixwashotonmyheels.Hecollectedourbags,andIwashitbythestrangestsensation:
hownormalthisallcouldhavebeen.Me,bringingadatetothewedding.Himbeinga
gentlemanandcollectingourthings,beforeweheadedinsidetogether.

“Fairenough,”hesaidairily.“I’vesleptinworseplaces.”

He’dprobablysleptinsideadeadanimalorsomething,trappedoutinthewilderness

whilehewasstalkingoneofhisprey.Icouldseehimdoingthatsoclearlyinmymind
thatashuddertraveleddownthelengthofmybody,settlingatthebaseofmyskull.“My

sister’sgoingtoseerightthroughthisbullshit.Youknowthat,right?”Isaid,hurryingup
thestepsthatleadinsidethehotel.Fixkeptstridebesideme,takingthreestepsatatime.

“She’snotgoingtobeinvestigatingtheveracityofourrelationship.She’sgetting

married.She’sgoingtobefocusedonherdresslookingjustrightandherflowersarriving
ontime.”

“Youdon’tknowmysister.”Amymighthavefussedandpreenedoverlaceandsilk,

silverandgold,everthemagpie,buthermindwasn’talwaysfixedonthetrivial.Shesaw
things,noticedthesubtleundertonesandsubtextsofpeople’sspeechandtheirbehavior.
Fixwasrightinthatshewouldbeworriedabouteverythinggoingsmoothlylateron
today,buttherewasnodoubtinmindthatshe’dsensesomethingwasup.

Theinsideofthehotelwasplushanddecadent:soft,thick,creamcarpetunderfoot;

warmedlightdrippingfromsconcesonthewallsandgrandchandelierssuspendedfrom
thehighceiling;heavy,embroideredcurtainshangingattheeightfoothighwindows;a
counterofwhitemarble,shotthroughwithdovegreyandgoldveins,runningthelengthof
therighthandwall.Inshort,itwasabsolutelystunning.Bencamefromoldmoney,I’d
knownthatforalongtime,butthiswasthefirsttimeIsawtheluxuryandcomfortthat
oldmoneycouldbuy.ThiswasthelifehecouldaffordtogiveAmy,andforonevery
shortmomentIforgoteverythingthathadhappenedinthepastthirty-sixhours.Iwas
glad,instead.Relieved,inaway.I’dbeentakingcareofmysisterforsolongthatit
seemedasthoughIwouldalwaysbedoingit.I’dneverresentedthefactthatsheneeded
watchingoutfor,butnow,withBeninherlife,someoneelsehadtakenthatburdenfrom
meanddischargedmeofthecrushingresponsibilityonceandforall.

Fixdealtwiththeconcierge,explainingwhowewere:Amy’sdevotedsister,Sera,and

herlovingboyfriend,Felix.Hetookthekeysandthankedtheguybehindthecounter,and
asweclimbedthesweepingstaircaseuptothefirstfloorwhereourroomwaslocated,I
noticedthattheskywaslighteningintheeast,dayjustabouttobreakoverthecanopyof
treesstretchingoffintothedistanceforasfarastheeyecouldsee.

Notlongnow.Notlonguntilthehustleandbustlethatwouldarrivewiththemorning.

Therewouldbemakeupandhair,andsqueezingintotheridiculousbride’smaid’sdress
mysisterhadpickedoutforme—thedressIhadn’tevenseenyet.Andtherewouldbe
painfullypolitechatterandniceties,andmeetingBen’sfamilymemberswho’dtraveled
fromalloverthecountrytobethereforhiswedding.Iwoulddowhatwasexpectedof
me,smilingandhuggingandshakinghands.Itwouldbeabitchofaday,butIwouldget
itdone.Andthewholetime,Iwouldtrytonotthinkaboutthemanstandingnexttome,
andwhathehaddone.Moreimportantly,Iwouldtrynottothinkabouthishandsonmy
bodyorhismouthonmyown.Thosethoughtswerefartoodangeroustoeven
comprehend.

Whenweenteredtheroom,sufficeittosay,therewasnocouch.Thatwasjust

fuckingperfect.ImadesuremyvoicewasfirmasIroundedonFix,armsfoldedacross
mychest.“Idon’tcare.You’renotsleepinginthebed.”

“Comeon.Thatthing’sbigenoughforfourpeople.”

“Don’tgetanyideas.”

Fix’sheadlowered,hischinalmostmeetinghischestasheprowledtowardme.His

lipscurvedupontherighthandside—themostsalacioussuggestionofasmile.“What?
Youwouldn’tlikesharingabedwithfourpeople?”hemused.“Youwouldn’tlikethree
pairsofhandsonyou,touchingyou,caressingandkissingyourbody?”

“No!God!Jesus!”

“Mary?You’remissingafewfamilymembers.”

“I’msureyou’djustlovethreewomeninabedwithyou,”Isnapped,snatchingmy

bagfromhishand.“I’msureyou’vehadplentyofcrazy,ridiculousexperienceswith
multiplewomen.Butnoteveryoneisasdepravedasyou.”

Hismouthcurvedevenhigher,andhislefteyebrowhitcheduptohishairline.“Yes.I

have.Butwhosaidanythingaboutwomenjoiningus?Youdon’tthinkyou’dbeableto
handlethreemenatonce,Sera?Threeguys,allstroking…”Hetookastepforward,his
shouldersrollinginthemostsensualwayashismusclesshiftedbeneathhisblackbutton-
downshirt.“Licking…Kissing…Biting…Sucking…”Witheveryword,hetookanother
step,closingthegapbetweenusuntilhewasstandingrightinfrontofme.“Threecocks,
Sera?Oneinyourmouth.Oneinyourpussy.Oneinyourass.Imaginewhatthatwould
feellike.”

Holyshit.Hewasunhinged.Absolutelyinsane.Howdidheevenhavetheballstosay

shitlikethattome?Ifheexpectedmetolaughathiswords,toshrugthemoff,orworse,
toactuallyconsiderthem,thenhehadanotherthingcoming.Imovedasquickly,planting
mypalmsagainsthischestandshovinghimashardasIpossiblycould.I’dusedallmy
strength,butthebastardhadbarelymovedaninch.

“You’reapig,Felix,”Igrowled.

“Ohhh.Felix.Full-nametreatment.Imusthavebeenaverybadboy.”

“Asifyou’dfuckagirlwithtwootherguys,anyway.Menarealwaystooconcerned

aboutwhohasthebiggestdick.”

Fixinhaled,rollinghiseyesslowlyuptotheceiling,hisheadslowlyangling

backward.Hehadn’tshavedintwodays,andthesightoftheexposedcolumnofhis
throat,markedwiththickstubble,didsomethingstrangetome.Pollutedwithmewith
thoughtsandfeelingsthatIdidn’twanttoown.“Sera.You’veseenmenaked.You’ve
seenmycock.You’veheldit.You’vestrokedit.You’vetakenitinyourmouth,andyour
pussy.YoureallythinkIwouldhaveanythingtoworryaboutonthatfront?Youreally
thinkI’dcarewhatanotherguyhadgoingonhispants?And,intheunlikelyeventthat
anotherguy’sdickwasbiggerthanmine,itwouldn’tfuckingmatterandyouknowit.I’ve
alreadyexploredyourbody.I’vealreadymadeyouquakeandshiver.I’vealreadypainted
mycomealloveryourskin,andyou’velovedeverysinglesecondofit.”Hereachedout,
hishandslowlyrisinguptomyface,hisfingersuncurlinguntilthetipsofthemwere
grazingmybottomlip.

I’dstoppedbreathingafullthirtysecondsago,andmyheadwasstartingtospina

little.God,hewassofuckinghot.Ihatedhimforit.Ihatedmyselffornoticing,overand
overandoveragain.Thisshouldn’tbehappening.Heshouldn’tbeabletoaffectmethis
way,andhavemyheartthunderingbeneathmyribcage.Mybody,mymindandmyheart
shouldallbeonthesamepage—theFelix-Marcosa-is-too-dangerous-to-be-sexypage—
butnoneofthemwereinalignment.Myheadknewwhatwasupatleast,butmybody
wasoverheatinglikecrazy,andmyhearthadjustplainflippedthefuckout.

“Iknowhowtofuck.Iknowhowtomakeyoucome.Iknowwhatmakesyoureyes

rollbackintoyourhead,andIknowhowtotipyouovertheedge.Iwouldn’tgiveashit
aboutotherguyssharingabedwithus,becauseI’dknownoneofthemwouldmakeyou
feelasgoodasIdo.”

Therewerenowordstodescribehisarrogance.Andeveniftherewere,Iwouldn’t

havebeenabletoformthemrightnow,becausemymouthfeltlikeitwaslinedwith
sandpaper.Fixleanedincloser,soclosethatIcouldseethefine,delicateslashesofsilver
thatthreadedtheirwaythroughisirises.Hiseyesweretrulybeautiful.Sounbelievably
unique.I’dneverseeneyeslikehisbefore,andIknewIwasunlikelytoeverseesimilar
again.Theysparkedwithanintenseamusementashetippedhisheadtothesideand
loweredhismouth—nowbarelyaninchawayfrommyown.

“Yousaidityourself,Sera.You’reanatheist.Youbelieveyouonlygetonelife…so

whyhaven’tyoubeenlivingit?”Soslowly,Fix’slipsparted,andIwatchedasthetipof
histongueslidpasthisteeth.Heflickedit,swiftlylickingmyupperlip,andIgasped,
steppingbackoutofhisreach.Asshole.Complete,irredeemable,undeniableasshole.
Wipingmymouthwiththebackofmyhand,Itriedtoreininthewildresponsethathis
one,briefactionhadcreatedinme,butitwasharderthanI’dexpected.Mymouthwas
burning,mylipsthrobbing.Mythroatwasitwasonfire.

“Don’tdothatagain.Don’ttouchmewithoutmypermission.You’llregretit.”

Fixdidn’tlooksosure.“WouldI?Howwouldyoumakemeregretit?Wouldyou

kickandscream?Wouldyouuseyourteethonme?Wouldyouhurtme?Doyouwantto
hurtme,Sera?”

“You’regoddamnrightIdo!You’re…you’refuckingimpossible!Youactlikeyou’re

justsomeguywho’sinterestedinshowingmeagoodtime.Haveyouforgottenabout
whathappened?Isawyoukillsomeone.Iwitnessedyoumurdersomeone.AmIjust
supposedtowipethatmemoryfrommymind?Pretendlikeitdidn’thappen?Pretendlike
youractionshaven’tscaredtheshitoutofme?Andwhilewe’reatit,amIsupposedto
overlookthefactthatyoushovedmeinthebackofyourcarandtookoffwithmewithout
myconsent?I’mnotsomeairheadbimbowho’sgoingtofallinlovewithyou,just
becauseyouhaveaprettyface,y’know.Lineshavebeencrossed.Massive,irrevocable
lines.Oncethisweddingisover,I’mgoingtogobacktoSeattle,andI’mgoingtoforce
myselftoeradicateyoufrommymind.I’mgoingtomoveon,andI’mgoingtoblackout
thisentireweek.It’stheonlywayIwon’tbepermanentlytraumatizedbywhatyou’veput
methrough.”

Fixshrugged.Itwasacalm,carefreeresponsetomyheatedrant—ashrugthattold

mehewascoldanddeadinside.Hedidn’tcareaboutme,orwhatIsaw.Hewasgoingto
followthroughwiththisridiculousfarceofaplan,andhewasn’tgoingtogivetwoshitsif
itworkedoutornot.Hedidn’tcareabouttheconsequencesifthischaradefailed.Allhe
caredaboutwasmakingsureIkeptmymouthshut.Andifhewasn’tsureIwasgoingto
keephissecrets,then…thenIdidn’tdoubthewouldtakemeasurestoensureIkeptmy
mouthshutforgood.

“Haveityourway,Angel.Foolyourselfifyoulike.Tellyourselfwhateveryouneed

toinordertogetyourselfthroughthis.Icangetonboardwiththat.I’llplaymypart.Just
makesureyouplayyours.”

TWELVE

PLEASEDTOMEETYOU

FIX

“Blessmefather,forIhavesinned.I…Itouchedmyselfthreetimesthisweek.Between…
betweenmylegs.Icouldn’thelpit.Iknewitwaswrong,but…”

Thesoft,femalevoiceontheothersideoftheconfessionalgrillpaused,andIcould

hearthewomansittinginthedarkened,crampedspacebreathingheavily.Dayslikethis,I
wassurenoneofmycongregationweregettinglaid.Iknewthewoman’svoice—itwas
YvonnePrescott,ayoung,prettywomaninherlatetwentieswho’dmarriedaguycalled
Guslastwinter.Guswasoneofthosepreppymotherfuckerswhopretendedlikehehadhis
shittogether,likehewasoneofthesaintedfewwhoneverputafootwrong.Workedin
thecommunity,wasthefirsttostickhishandupwhentherewasvolunteerworkthat
neededdoingatthechurchorinthecommunity.He’dbeeninheretwicethisweek,crying
hiseyesout,though,sobbingoverthefactthathe’djerkedofftopornonhiscomputer
repeatedlyinthepastweek.Hedidn’tjustlikewatchingporn.Hehadanaddiction,andit
wasn’tthevanilla,everydayshithewaswatching.Helikedtowatchgangbangporn—
skinnyCzechgirlslaidflatontheirback,whilealineofoverthirtyguysinmaskswaited
fortheirturntoshovetheircocksinsidethem.Helikedtowatchgroupsofguysthrust
theirdicksintoavulnerablegirl’smouthandherass,touseandabuseherlikeshewasa
toy.Itwasmorenormalthanpeoplerealized:repressedguyslikedtoseeawomandefiled
inthebasestofways.

Irubbedatmytemple,tryingtoeasetheheadachethatwaslurkingbehindmyeyes,

threateningtomakeanappearance.“Haveyouspokentoyourhusbandaboutyoururges,
child?”Iasked.IfYvonnewashonestwithGusandrevealedherselftobeasexual
creaturewiththesamedesires,wantsandneedsthatmostwomenhad,perhapsGuscould
layoffhisdickandactuallysatisfyhiswifeforonce.Ialreadyknewwhatshewasgoing
tosay,though.

“I—Ican’t,”shewhispered.“He’sdevout,Father.Hetriestoleadaholylife.Ifhe

knewthefeelingsthatovercomemesometimes…”Shestartedtocry.“Hedeservesaholy
wife.Iwanttobepureforhim.Clean.AndifhefoundoutthatIwasdriventosuch
wantonacts…hewouldn’t…hecouldn’tlovemeanymore.”

Forfuck’ssake.Didthesepeoplenottalktooneanother?Weretheysoclosetedand

shutdownthattheytrulydidn’trealizethattheywereallashornyandfuckedupasthe
restofthehumanrace?“Don’tcry,child.Inthegrandschemeofthings,masturbation

isn’ttheendoftheworld.SaythreeHailMary’sandgetbacktobakingthosecupcakes.”

“Cupcakes?”Somethingthuddedonthefloor.Soundedlikeshe’djustdroppedher

bible.“You…youknowwhoIam,don’tyou?”

Ihuffedoutabreath,pinchingthebridgeofmynose.“OfcourseIdo,Yvonne.Only

twenty-sixpeoplecometothischurch.”

Shewhimpered.“Oh.Right.Aren’tyousupposedtotellmerefrainfromdoingit

again,though?”

Fuck.Seriously?“Yeah.Youshouldstoptouchingyourself,Yvonne.Itleadsdown

andadarkandscarypath.Now,ifwe’refinishedhere…”

“Idon’tthinkyou’retakingthisseriously,FatherMarcosa.Yourfatherwouldhave

givenmeaproperlectureonthedangersof…”ShelaunchedintoatiradeabouttheFather
Marcosawhohadprecededme,andIceasedtolisten.Itmadesensethatpeoplecompared
metomyfather.Wesharedthesamename,forfuck’ssake.AndIlookedliketheman,
therewasnodenyingthat.He’dbeendeadforwellovertwoyears,though,andIwassick
todeathofpeopleholdingmeuptothelight,comparingthetwoofus.Iwasnothinglike
myoldman.Iwasnevergoingtobeanythinglikethatdour,miserable,tyrannicalpieceof
shit.

“Allright,allright,Yvonne.Youwanttofeelabsolvedofyoursins.Iunderstand.For

yourpenance,saytwentyHailMary’s,threeGloryBes,andthreeOurFathers.Hopefully
thatwillmakeyoufeelbetter.Now,I’vereallygottopreparethehomilyforSunday.If
youdon’thaveanythingelseyou’dliketodiscuss,then…”

YvonnehadshutupwhenI’dinterruptedher.Sheremainedquietforamoment,

beforesaying,“TwentyHailMary’s,Father?Thatseems…alittle…”

“TwentyHailMary’s,”Isaidfirmly.ThethreeI’dprescribedamomentagowere

obviouslytoolowtomakeherfeellikeherslatewasbeingwipedclean.Now,twenty
madeherfeellikeshewasbeingunreasonablypunished.Well,fuckingguesswhat,
Yvonne?Youcan’thaveitbothways.“I’llseeyouatMass,”Isaid,gettingtomyfeet.I
wasmeanttowaituntilYvonnehadvacatedtheconfessionalandhadachancetogetthe
helloutofdodge,butmypatiencewasnon-existent,andIreallydidhavetowritethe
damnhomily.Myhandrestedontheedgeofthethick,blackcurtainthatcoveredtheentry
totheconfessional;Iwasabouttopullitaside,whenahighpitchedwailofterrorsliced
throughtheair.Itwasawoman’svoice,anditwasn’tjustacryofpain.Itwasalsoacry
ofabjectterror.

“Lord!”Yvonnehissed.“Whatwasthat?”

“Stayhere,Yvonne.Don’tcomeoutuntilItellyouit’ssafe.”Icarefully,quicklyslid

thecurtainaside,scanningupanddownthelengthofthechurch,searchingforthesource
ofthecry.Atthefarendofthebuilding,thedoortotherectorywascrackedopen;strange,
sinceitwasusuallykeptlocked.Onlytwopeoplehadakeytoopenthatdoor:myselfand
thesisteronshift,chargedtowelcomecongregationmembers,maintainthechurchand
keepeverythingcleanandtidythroughouttheday.Irackedmybrain,tryingtoremember

whothesisterondutywastoday,butIdrewablank.I’dbeenstrandedinmyofficeall
morning;Ihadn’tseenorspokentoanyonebeforeIsteppedintotheconfessionalbooth.
Thesistersnevertypicallyneededtoentertherectory,though.Andtherewascertainlyno
reasonthedoorshouldbeopenlikethat,either.

MycossackbillowedaroundmeasIhurrieddowntheaisle,checkingthepewsasI

went,makingsuretherewerenootherpeoplesittingtherewhomighthavecomeinto
pray.Theplacewasempty.Hurryingthroughtheapse,myfootfallrangout,echoingoff
thehighstonewalls,reverberatingaroundthechurch,emphasizingjusthowabandoned
theplacetrulywas.WhenInavigatedmywayaroundthelectern,reachingforthehandle
oftherectorydoor,secondsfrompushingitopenalltheway,that’swhenInoticedthe
crumpledfive-dollarbillonthefloor.

Itwascoveredinblood.

Shit.Whatthehellwasgoingonhere?Once,whenIwasthirteen,adrunk,homeless

guyhadwalkedintothechurchonenightanddemandedthatmyfatherhandoverallof
thedonationmoneyfromthatevening’sservice.I’dbeentidyingawaythehymnbooks,
andI’dwatchedoninhorrorasthemanhadstaggeredtowardmyfather,aknifethrustout
infrontofhim.I’dexpectedmyfathertoswingfortheman,toknocktheweaponfrom
hishands,tobeathimblackandbluefortryingtostealthechurch’scharitabledonations.
Whenmyfatherhadhandedoverthemoneywithoutsomuchasasecondthought,I’d
beenwrackedwithshame.Myfatherhadbeenacoward.He’dturnedoverthemoney
insteadofdefendingit.Themanhadleft,reekingofalcoholandsoiledclothes,andI’d
turnedonmyfather,admonishinghimfornotstandinguptotheman.

Thewordshe’dsaidtomethenwerestillwithmetoday.“Felix,whatdoweusethat

moneyfor?”

“Forhelpingpeople.Forclothingandfeedingthepoor,”I’dsnapped.

“Okay.Well,then.Thatmoneywentexactlywhereitwasmeanttogo.”

AsIstareddownattheblood-fleckedbilllyingatmyfeet,Irealized,onceagain,that

myfatherwasabettermanthatIwas.BecauseIwasn’tjustgoingtoletsomeonewalkin
offthestreetandrobmyfuckingchurch.Itwaswrongofme,Iknewitwas,butIwas
goingtofindwhoeverhadbrokeninhere,andIwasgoingtoknocktheirfuckingteeth
out.

Isteppedintotherectory,and…

…theworld….

…oh,god…

Ithrewoutahand,steadyingmyselfagainstthewall,tryingnottofalldown.

Blood.

Therewassomuchblood.

Itwassprayedupthewalls,haddrenchedthecurtainsatthewindow,andhadformed

arubyredpoolonthefloor,thathadseepedintothewaxedcanvasmaterialofthe
backpackI’dleftonthegroundearlierwhenIcamebackfrommymorningrun.Theair
smelledsour,contaminated,withachemicaledgetoitthatmademynostrilsburn.

Ifoundherinthehallway,sprawledoutonthepolishedwoodenfloorboards.Her

wimplewasgone,herheaduncoveredentirely,andherbrightblondehair,almostwhite,
spreadoutaroundherheadlikespilledmilk.Shewasfacedown,onearmthrustout,asif
sheweretryingtoreachforsomething.Therewasbloodalloverherhands,alongwiththe
simplewhiteshirtshewaswearing.Herblackskirtwasn’twhereitwasmeanttobe.It
hadbeenhitcheduparoundherwaist,andherbarebuttockswereexposed…alsocovered
inblood.

Shewasn’tmoving.

Aconsumingragesweptoverme,andforasecondIcoulddonothingwithit.I

couldn’tclaimit.Icouldn’tpushitaway.Istoodthere,hatingthescenebeforeme,unable
tolookaway,mybloodseethingthroughmyveins.

Oneofthesister’sshoeswasmissing.Asensibleblackshoewithaverysmallheel,

barelyaheelatall.Gone.Herstockingswererippedandtorn,buncheduparoundher
ankles.Where…?

Ilookedaroundtheentrancetomylivingquarters,frowning,notbreathing,not

understanding.

Wherehadherothershoegone?

“Ohmygod!”

Ididn’tturnaround.Iwanted,no,Ineededtoprocesswhathadtakenplaceinhere,

andIneededforittomakesense.Yvonneobviouslyhadn’tlistenedtome,andhad
followedmeinhere.Shewasbehindme,whimperingunderherbreath,lowandquiet.She
soundedwindedandnumb.Shortly,theshockshewasexperiencingwouldwearoffand
she’dbecomehysterical,nodoubt.Ihadtogetmyshittogetherbeforethathappened.

“That…isthatSisterRayburn?”Yvonnesobbed.

“Rayburn?”Myvoicewasflat.Emotionless.Ididn’tknowthename.

“ShejustmovedherefromCanada.ShecameaspartoftheYoungMissionary

program.She’s…god,she’sonlytwenty-two.”

Oh.Fuck.Allthechurchesinourarchdiocesehadbeenenrolledintheprogram—I’d

beentoldtoexpectsomeonethisweek,butIhadn’trealizedshewasalreadyhere.Ihadno
fuckingideashe’dbeencarryingdutiesrightundermynose.

“Weneed…weneedtocallthepolice,”Yvonnestammered.

Ishouldhavereplied.Ishouldhavedoneasshesuggestedandcalledthecops.I

shouldhavedonesomething.Anything.ButIwasstillrootedtothespot,staringatthe
bloodied,mangledbodythathadbeenleftinsuchanundignified,degradingway,likeso
muchtrash,discardedbythesideoftheroad.

Ididnothing.

Ididnothing,until…

Atwitch.

Yvonnescreamed,grabbingholdofmyarm,diggingherfingernailsintomyskin

throughmycossack.“Ohmygod!Ohmygod,herfootmoved.Didyouseethat?”
Yvonnewailed.“God,she’sstillalive!”

ThenIwasrunning,chargingtowardthebrokenbodyonthefloor,slippingand

slidinginthebloodasItriedtostopmyselfnexttoher.Ilostmybalance,topplingonmy
ass,butitdidn’tmatter.Ididn’tfeelthepainshootingupmyspine,orrecoilinhorrorasI
putmyhanddowninapuddleofcoolingblood.Myonlyconcernwasthegirl.Shewas
alive,andIwasdeterminedtomakesureshestayedthatwayuntilhelparrived.

“Callanambulance,”Ihollered.Gingerly,Islidmyhandunderneaththewoman’s

body,applyingaslittlepressureasIcould,turningher.Asidefromtheworryingamount
ofbloodthathadmarkedherbuttocks,therehadn’tbeenanyvisiblesignofinjurywhen
she’dbeenlyingfacedown.Itwasanotherstorynow,though:fivedeep,viciouslooking
stabwounds,alltothestomach,hadrentedthematerialofthewoman’sshirtopen,and
bloodwasflowingfreelyfromtheyawningmouthsinherskinwheretheknifehad
obviouslygonein.

“Fuck.”Iheldthebackofmyhandtomymouth,swallowing,tryingtothink.

Pressure.Ineedtoapplypressure,tostemthebleeding.

“Please…helpme.Idon’t…”

Shockseizedmeoncemore.I’dpurposefullyavoidedlookingatthewoman’sface,

hadn’tthoughtI’dbeabletohandleityet,butwhenshespoketome,Ihadnochoicebut
tolookherintheeye.Shewasveryyoung—barelymorethanachild.Ifsheactuallywas
twenty-two,I’dhavebeensurprised.Hertawnybrowneyeswerelockedontome,burning
withafeversointensethatitbroughttearstomyowneyes.

“Idon’t…want…todie.Notyet,”shewheezed.Herbreathingsoundedwet,rattling,

liketherewasfluidinherlungs.

Igrabbedherskirtsandyankedthemdown,coveringherbody,thenIscoopedherup

inmyarms,drawinghertome.Movingherwasprobablyabadidea—I’dseenenough
moviestoknowyouwereneversupposedtomovetheinjuredperson—buthonestly?She
lookedlikeshewasrunningoutoftime.Andnoone,absolutelynoone,deservedtodie
aloneandscared.Despitehowfutileitseemed,Ipressedmyhandsoverthewoman’s
stomach,maintainingpressure.Sheblinkedupatme,splotchesofbloodalloverherface,
coveringherskinlikeredfreckles.

“TheEMTsareontheirway,”Yvonnesaid.Shewasclutchinghercellphoneinher

handssohardthatherknuckleshadgonewhite.“I—IthinkI’mgoingtothrowup.”She
groaned,foldingatthewaist,thenbracingherselfagainstthewindowsill.

“Gooutside,”Icommanded,“Waitfortheambulance.Whentheparamedicsarrive,

bringthemstraighthere.”

ReliefflashedoverYvonne’sface;shedidn’treallywanttostickaroundandwitness

this.Igotthat,understoodhowrattledsheprobablywas,butitalsomademehatehera
littlebit.Wherewasherfuckingcompassion?

Inmyarms,thewomanstirred,herheadangledback,lipsadeathlyshadeofpurple.

Fromthelookofmylivingquarters,she’dlostalotofblood.Shemoaned,herbrow
furrowingassheclearlytriedtofocushereyes.“Iwasmeanttomake…agood
impression,”shewhispered.“How’sthisforafirstday?”

Iforgedadeadsmile;itwasallIcouldmanage.“Icertainlywon’tbeforgettingitany

timesoon.Whodidthistoyou?”

Hereyelidsfluttered.“Aman.Amanwithascarred…face,”shepanted.“Hehad

paintalloverhishands.Hewas…hewasso…angry.”

“Didhewantmoney?”

“N—No.”

“Thenwhat?”

Shamecoloredhercheeks,despitethefactthemostofthebloodhadleftherbody.

Sheclosedhereyes,herthroatbobbing,andIsuddenlyrealizedwhatshewashavingsuch
ahardtimesayingtome.Whyherbuttockswerecoveredinblood.

Oh,no.God,no.Please.

“Shhh.Shhh,it’sokay,”Isaidsoftly,rockingherinmyarms.

“Theytoldmeyouwerehandsome,”shewheezed.“Allthe…girlswere…gossiping

aboutyou.Theywere…so…jealous…whenIgot…senthere.”

“Shhh,it’sokay,Sister.Youdon’tneedtospeak.Helpwillbeheresoon.Justrelax,

okay?”

Shereachedupwithashakinghand,andherweakfingerscurledaroundmywrist.A

shudderingsighescapedher.“Please…callmebymyname.IfI’mgoingtodie…thenI
wanttofeellikeatleastoneperson…knewwhoI…washere.”

Myeyeswerefillingwithtears,butIwasdamnedifIwasgoingtocryinfrontofher.

Ineededtostaystrong.Ineededhertostaystrong,justlongenoughfortheambulanceto
arrive.“Sure.MynameisFelix,”Itoldher,hugginghertome.

Shegavemeanunevensmile,herbreathgrowingshallowerbythesecond.“Great…

Felix.Mynameis…Monica.It’svery…nicetomeetyou.”

THIRTEEN

ARIANNA

SERA

Aftermyslip-upinthecar,Itoldmyselfthere’dbenowayI’dpassoutinthebed.I
neededtokeepmyguardup,neededtomakesureFixdidn’ttryandsmothermewitha
pillowwhileIwasunconscious.Butwhenhelaiddownontheblanketandcushionset-up
he’darrangedforhimself,promptlypassingthefuckoutlikehe’dbeenhitupsidethehead
withahammer,Icouldn’thelpit.Myeyelidswerelikeleadweights.Itoccurredtome,as
Ifoundmyselfrelinquishingcontrolovermybody,thatnowwasaprimeopportunityto
escapeFixonceandforall.Itwouldhavebeenassimpleasgettingup,tiptoeingsilently
acrosstheroom,openingthedoor,hurtlingdownthehallwayasfastasIcould,andthen
demandingtheconciergecallthepolice.

Ifthecopsturnedup,sirenswailing,tiresspinning,onAmy’sweddingday,though…

she’dneverforgiveme.She’dbehorrifiedthatI’dbeenthroughsuchatraumatic
experience,sure.She’dprobablyhugmeasifmylifedependedonit,cryingandthanking
godthatIwasokay.Butinside,she’dbeseething.Iknewher.She’dspentclosetoayear
designingthefloralarrangementsforthisevent.Ifhermagnificentlycoiffuredhair,the
delectablevol-au-vents,andherperfectprincessdressweren’tthefirstthingspeople
thoughtofwhentheyrememberedtheweddingofAmyLaffertyandBenStewart,then
shewouldcarrythissecretkernelofhatredtowardmearoundwithherfortherestofher
days.Shewashorribleathidingthingslikethat.

ItwasthedumbestthingI’deverdone,butIdidn’tcreepoutoftheroomandhightail

itdowntothelobby.Iturnedonmyside,grippingthehotelpentightlyinmyhand,
ballpointendfacingdown,justincaseIneededtostabFixintheneckwithit,andI
succumbedtoanexhaustedsleep.

******

“Ithinkifyoucurlittheother…yeah,that’sit.Iknow,it’sweird,right?But…Iguess

someonetoldmethatifyouholdthewandupsideandkeptitreallylooseinyourhandit
wouldsealthecuticle,andmakeyourhairreallyshiny.”

“Wow!You’reright!That’sagreattip!”

IrecognizedthesoundofArianna’svoicewithasenseofdreadandirritation.Only

daringtoopenoneeye,Iscannedtheunfamiliarroom,processingandremembering
everythingwithasenseofdisbelief.That’sright:I’dseenamanmurdered,I’dbeen
kidnappedbyaguyI’dhadthemostincrediblesexofmylifewith,andnowhewasinour
hotelroom,givinghairstylingadvicetomysister’sprissybestfriend.Inhisunderwear.

Isatup.Istoodup.Istraightenedmyshirt,flatteningdownmymussedhairwithone

hand.

Hmm.Wellwasn’tthisaninterestingdevelopment.

IquicklydecidednottowarnAriannatogetawayfromFix;shelookedlikeshewas

abouttodroptoherkneesandstartlickinghisabs,butthered-hairedwitchhadfucked
Gareththemomentshe’dfoundoutwewerenolongertogether,andasaresultIwas
feelingalittledisinclinedtolookoutforwelfare.Ifshewantedtogiggleandflirtwitha
guywhocouldexsanguinatesomeonewithoutevenaflickerofremorse,thenshecouldgo
totown.

“Arianna.Whatasurprise.Ididn’tthinkI’dseeyouuntilwewerecalleddowntoget

dressed.”Ishouldn’thavebeensohappyaboutthefactthatshe’dputonalittleweight,
butlet’sbehonest.Iwassmirkingbeneaththecordial,friendlymaskedI’djustdonned.

Ariannablinked,asifshe’dforgottenaltogetherthatshe’dcomeintomyhotelroom

withmysupposedboyfriendwhileIwasstillsleepinginthebed.“Oh,hey,Sera!It’sso
nicetoseeyou!”Sheputdownmycurlingironandhurriedacrosstheroom,throwingher
armsaroundmyneck.Ididn’twanttohugher.Ididn’twanttobenearher.Ididn’twant
anythingtodowiththegirl.Herperfumewasutterlyoverpowering—whatevershewas
wearing,itwastoosharp,toochemically,andshe’dbathedherselfinitwithoutanyidea
thatitmadehersmelllikeshecleanedtoiletsforaliving.“I’msorry,thestylist’scurling
ironkeepsblowingthefuseinthemakeupstudiodownstairs.Amysentmetocomeand
borrowyours.WhenFelixopenedthedoor,here,IthoughtI’dcometothewrongplace.”
Thewayshetitterednervously,hercheeksrosyandpink,practicallyglowing,toldme
enough:Ariannahadacrushonyetanotherofmyboyfriends.Didn’tmatterthatFixwasa
fakeboyfriend.Didn’tmatterthatIhadabsolutelynoclaimoverhimwhatsoever.Itwas
justfuckingtypicalthatthislittleviperwouldbetryingtosnakeherwayintoFix’s
GeorgioArmanishortsrightunderneathmynose.

“Ofcourse.Takethecurlingiron,”Isaid,pressingmylipstogetherintoathinsmile.

“Whattimeisit?”

“Eleventhirty,”Ariannatoldme.“We’regoingtobedressinginanhour.Yourhair

andmakeupareatone.You’relast.Amyknewyou’dbetired.Youcouldprobablyrestfor
anotherhourorso,ifyouwanted.Youhavethemostterriblecirclesunderyoureyes.”
Shefeignedconcern,poutingandfrowningassheranthepadofherindexfingerunder
mylefteye,asifshecouldbrushawaysaidcircleswiththeslightesttouchofherhand.I
consideredgrabbingherbythewrist,wrenchingherarmbehindherback,immobilizing
her,andthenbreakingeverysingleoneofherfingers,butIrefrained.Itwasagoddamn
Christmasmiracle.

“Iknow.Thisone’sbeenkeepingmeupallnight,”Itoldher,jerkingmyheadinFix’s

direction.Ismiledconspiratorially,asifsharingasecretwithagirlfriend.“He’svery
skilledwithhishands.Andhistongue.Noconceptoftime,though.”

Fixleanedbackagainstthearmoire,foldinghisarmsacrosshischest,acrookedsmile

onhisface.Hisarmswereridiculous.Sowashisstomach.Hemusthavespentyearsin
thegymperfectingabodylikethat.I’dalreadyseenhimnakedbefore,soI’dhadachance
tocometotermswithjusthowfuckingsexyhewas.Arianna,ontheotherhand…

Hercheekswereflushed,hergeneraldemeanorthatofadazedhighschoolstudent

meetingtheirboybandcrushinreallife.Shecouldn’tseemtofocusonanythingbutFix’s
abs.Itwasgettingalittleembarrassing.Guidinghertothedoor,Ishovedmycurlingiron
atherandsmiledthroughgrittedteeth.“I’llbeontimeformyturnwiththestylist.Idoubt
he’sgoingtoletmegobacktosleepnow,butI’lltryanddosomethingaboutthebags
undermyeyes.”

Iswungthedoorclosed,pushingitwiththeverytipsofmyfingersuntilitclicked.I’d

wantedtoslamthedoorsoharditmadetheveryfoundationsofthehotelshake,but
insteadIwenttheotherway,beingincrediblygentleasIshutheroutoftheroom.

“Goodwithmytongue,huh?”

MybodylockedupasIfelthandsonme—Fix’shands,skatingovermyhips,sliding

overthemassivet-shirtI’dworntobedlastnight.Thebackofmyneckprickledin
responsetohiswarmbreathcaressingmyskin.

Shit.

Shit,shit,shit.

Hischestpressedupagainstmyback,and…somethingelse…brushingupagainstmy

ass.God,hehadanerection.Hewashardashell,andhewasn’tmakinganyeffortsto
hidethefactasheloweredhismouthintothecrookofmyneck,brushingmyskinwithhis
lips.

Ifroze.

Jesus…

HowweregoodgirlssupposedtostaygoodwhenbadboyslikeFixmadeitsoease

tosin?Howthefuckweresmartgirlssupposedtoretaintheirsanity,nottomentiontheir
heads,whentheyhadFelixMarcosa’shandsroamingallovertheirbody?Itjust…it
wasn’tfuckingpossible.Itwasn’tfuckingfair.Fix’svoicesentachillchargingthrough
myveins,rockingmetomycore.

“Ithoughtyousaidyoudidn’tlikeplayinggames,”hewhispered.

“Idon’t.”

“Thenwhydidyoujustplaythatgirlsohard,shedidn’tknowwhatfuckingdayof

theweekitwas?”

Witheveryword,hislipsgrazedmyneck,andavolleyofanticipation,mixedwith

fearburnedovermyskin.“She’snotasobliviousasshemakesouttobe.Sheplaysthe

simperingidiot,butsheknowsexactlywhatshe’sdoing.There’snosuchthingasinnocent
flirtationwithAriannaFoster.SowhatifIfuckedwithheralittle?”

“Mmmm…”Fixhandsmovedupmybody,strokingovermystomachandthenback

downmythighsagain.Aheadywaveofpleasureflowedthroughme,andmyeyesrolled
backinmyhead.Thankgodhecouldn’tsee.Ifheknewtheeffecthewashavingonme…

“IknowI’mgoodwithmytongue,bytheway.IknowI’mgoodwithmyhands.It’s

nicetohearyouadmititoutloud,though,Angel.Icouldalwaystreatyoutoroundtwo,if
you’dlike?Icouldlickandsuckandteaseyourclit.Icouldlaveatituntilyoucame,and
thenIcouldlickyousomemore.Icouldslidemyfingersinsideyourpussyandteasethat
littlespotyoulike.Theonethathasyoubuckingagainstme,screamingmyfuckingname.
Andwhenyou’redonecoming,whenyou’rebonelessandhalfblindfromtheorgasms
I’vegivenyou,Icouldlickyouclean.”

Oh…Shit…

“Asforthewayyouhandledtheredhead.Ienjoyedtheshow,Sera,”hemurmured.

“You’refullofpissandvinegarwhenyou’redefendingwhat’syours.”

Thatwasit.Thatwasenoughtosnapmeoutofmymomentofstupidity.Isteppedout

ofhisarms,shakingoffthedesirethathad,forasecond,mademeforgetwhoFix
Marcosareallywas.Myfacewastrainedintoadeadpan,flatvoidwhenIspunaroundand
lockedeyeswithhim.“You’renotmine,Fix.We’renot…thisisn’tathing.You’reabad
person.Youdoknowthat,don’tyou?”

Thecharming,devil-may-caregrinthatwasplasteredalloverFix’sfacedidn’tslip,

buttherewasaflashofsomethingakintopainthatshoneoutofhisstrange,paleblue
eyes.Itwasonlythereforasplitsecond,butIsawit.IsawhowbadlyI’dhurthim.

“Yep.Youhavemedeadtorights,Lafferty.”Inhaling,helookedaroundtheroom,

stretchingthatbreathtakingbodyofhislikeacatloungingoutinthesun.“Sinceyou’re
awakenowandtherearenomorebridesmaidstocoooverme,IguessI’dbettergoand
findmyselfasuit.”

Urgh.Ofcoursehedidn’thaveasuit.“Howthehellareyougoingtofindasuitina

hotelinthemiddleofnowhere?”

MystomachdidsomethingstrangeasFixslidhisarmsintoat-shirtandthrewthe

thinblackmaterialoverhishead.Helookedsogoodinatee.Shit,themanlookedgoodin
absolutelyanythingheputonhisbody.He’dbeabletomakeatrashbaglookamazing,
forfuck’ssake.Iturnedaway,refusingtoallowmyselftowatchhimashekickedhisfeet
intoapairofdarkgreyjeans,tornandrippedattheknees.

“I’llfindaway,Lafferty,”hesaid,hisvoicethickwithamusement.“Ialwaysdo.I’m

averyresourcefulguy.”

FOURTEEN

BADPERSON

FIX

Mydickwasashardasaconcretepost,andtherewasnothingIcouldfuckingdoaboutit.
Icouldhaveslippedintoabathroomandjerkedoff,butwherewasthefuninthat?It
wouldgetthejobdone,relievingsomeofthepressurethathadbeenbuildingupinmy
pants,butfuck…

Ididn’twantmyownhandsonmycock.Ididn’tevenwantthatredhead’shandson

mycock,eventhoughshehadbeenfairlyprettyandhermouthlookedlikeitwasusedto
beingwrappedaboutaboner.IwantedSera’shandsonme,andifIcouldn’thaveher,then
Ididn’twantanyoneelse.

Howthefuckhadthishappened?HowhadIdecidedsomewherealongthewaythatI

wantedher?Like,reallywantedher?Notjustforanight,butforlonger.Shewasliterally
theworstpersontopursue,andIknewmyself.Thatwasprobablytheexactreasonwhy
I’dformedsuchanobsessiveattractiontoheroverthepastfewdays.Itwasasifmydick
enjoyedsettingmeupforfailureandcatastrophe.Ihadtokeepremindingitthatwewere
onthesameteam,butitdidn’tappeartobelistening.Bastard.

Okay.Asuit.Ineededtofindasuit.

Theconciergewouldprobablyhaveone.Peopleleftclothesinhotelsallthetime.

Theyhungthemupintheclosetandforgetallaboutthem.Ididn’twantsomeone’s
misplacedsecondhandshit,though.JustbecauseIwascrashingthisweddingdidn’tmean
Icouldn’tlooksharp.

Therewerepeoplewanderingaroundinthelobby,drinkingmimosas,wearingrobes

ortheirpajamas,chattingpolitelywithoneanother.Obviouslytheyweren’tdressedor
readyfortheceremonyyet,butthelureofalcoholinthelobbyhadbeentoomuchfor
them.Drinkers.Myfavorite.Amillionyearsago,adifferentlifetimeago,infact,Iusedto
warnpeopleofthedangersofimbibingtoomuchalcoholfromapulpit.Then,after
everyonehadleft,theirfaithandtheirgoodintentionsreinvigoratedaftermystirring
speech,I’dgetsofuckedupthatIcouldn’twalkstraight.

PeopleprobablyassumedIdrankthecommunionwine.Fuckthat,though.

Communionwinewasnothingbetterthanwatereddownpiss.GentlemanJackhadbeen
mytippleofchoice.Itstillwas,whenIdidn’tneedaclearheadtogetshitdone.IfeltJack
callingtomeasIscannedthecrowdmeanderingaroundthelobby—itwouldbeeasy

enoughtoorderadrinkfromthesmallbarthathadbeensetupinthecornerofthehotel’s
plushentryway—butnowwasn’tthetime.Ineededtobebrighteyedandbushytailed,
justincaseSeradecidedtodosomethingstupid.Also,ifIwasbeinghonest,Iwantedto
makeagoodimpressiontoday.Iwasn’tblindtothetraumaSerahadbeendealingwith.I
knewshewasmoreshakenthanshewaslettingon.

You’reabadperson.Youknowthat,right?

She’dlashedoutwithherwordswithouteventhinking,whichmadeherstatement

evenmorecaustic.She’dmeantit.She’dreallymeantit,andI’dseenasmuchonherface.
Iwasakiller.Iendedpeople’slivesformoney.Igotthat.Butinsomewarped,fuckedup
cornerofmyhead,Istillthoughtofmyselfasagoodguy.Hilarious.Ithadbeenyears
sinceI’ddoneanythingtrulygood.CarryingMonicaoutofthatchurch,stowingherinthe
backoftheambulance,sittingwithherfordays,listeningtoherconfessionoverandover
again,readingherlastritesonmorethanoneterrifying,hair-raisingoccasion…

ThatwasthelastgoodthingIdid.

Seeingherlikethathaddonesomethingtome.I’dlostallhope.I’dlostwhatlittle

faithIhad.AndI’dlostanydesiretocontinueonactingoutthecharadethatI’donly
undertakeninthefirstplacetokeepmyparentshappy.Theyweredead,anditdidn’t
matteranymore.Therewerepeopleouttherewiththeblackesthearts,capableofraping
andtorturingandmaimingpeoplemorevulnerableandfragilethantheywere.Theydidn’t
believeinanygod.Therewasnomoralcompassguidingthem,leadingthemawayfrom
thedarkness.SoIputawayGod,andIputawaymycompass,andIwalkedintothedark
withasingle,definingpurpose:tofindandpunishthemanwhohurtMonica.Tohurthim,
thewayhehurther.

Ididn’tknowiftherewouldbeanyjusticeintheafterlifeformenliketheguywho’d

attackedMonica,andIcouldn’tfuckingbearit.Couldn’tletitfuckingstand.Iftherewas
accountabilityafterdeath,thengreat.Hewouldpayeternallyforthepainandsuffering
he’dcaused.But,justincasetherewasnoaccountability,Iwasgoingtomakehim,and
othermenlikehim,fuckingbleedinthislifetoo.

“CanIhelpyou,sir?”

Ashort,middle-agedmaninasuitstoodbesideme,holdingoutapolishedsilvertray

loadedupwithcucumbersandwiches.Thecrustshadbeencutoff,andIgrimaceddownat
thefood.“Arethereanyguysmysizestayinginthehotel?”Iasked.

Helookedconfused,but,evertheconsummateprofessional,didn’tquestionme.

Eyingmeupanddown,hearchedaneyebrow.“Oh,Ishouldn’tthinkso,sir.You’requite
tall,andverybroad.TheonlyguestwhomightbeclosetoyouinstaturewouldbeMaster
Gareth,there.MightIaskwhy,sir?”

Iglancedinthedirectionhepointed,takingintheguystandingontheoppositeside

ofthelobby—slickedbackblondhair,sparklingblueeyes.Unlikeeveryoneelsesipping
fromtheirflutesofchampagneandnibblingdelicatelyonthede-crustedsandwiches,he’d
madetheefforttogetdressedbeforecomingdownstairs.Hisbeigechinoshadbeen

pressedsoviolentlythattherewasaknife-edgecreasedownthefrontofthem,andhis
duskypinkbuttondownshirtlookedlikeithadcomestraightoutofthepackaging.He
waswearingafuckingAran-knitsweateroverhisshoulders,thearmsofwhichweretied
looselyaroundhisneck.Iimmediatelyhatedtheprick.Hewasamirrorofsomanyguys
I’dgonetocollegewith;hecamefrommoney,thatwasclearenough.Andfromtheway
hetippedhisheadbackandlaughedloudly,seekingattention,hewasusedtopeople
fawningoverhiminpublic.

“Nevermind,”Isaid,stillstaringatthestranger.“You’reright.Idon’tthinkhe’s

broadenough.Notbyalongchalk.”Myparentshadhadmoney.Plentyofit.They’d
packedmeofftoreceivethebesteducationmoneycouldbuy,andwhenI’dagreedto
undertakemyseminarytraining,they’dinsistedonputtingmeupinanexorbitantly
expensivehotelinsteadofallowingmetoroomwithanotherstudentatthechurchfacility.
Theirwealthhadsetmeapartfromthecrowd.Iwasn’tlikethisGarethasshole,though.
I’dneverflauntedthehealthystateofmybankaccountbywearingexpensiveclothesor
sportingthreehundreddollarhaircuts.I’dwornthecheapestshitIcouldfind,stocking
mywardrobebyshoppingatthriftstores.Andwhenthetimehadcome,whenbothmy
parentsdied,I’dtiedupeverysinglepennythey’dlefttomeintrustsandbonds,making
sureIcouldn’tevenseethedisgustingamountofcashthathadfallenintomylap
anymore.

NexttoGareth,aflashofredcaughtmyattention,andIrealizedthepersonGareth

waslaughingsoboisterouslywithwasArianna,thewomanwho’dbeenflirtingwithmein
backintheroomonlyfifteenminutesago.Herhandwasrestinglightly,possessively,on
Gareth’sarm—aclearsigntotheothertitteringwomenhoveringaroundhimthathewas
alreadytaken.So…Ariannawasthejealoustype.Butalsothetypetoflutterhereyelashes
atothermenwheneverthefuckshefeltlikeit.Soundedaboutright.

Iwasabouttoslipdowntheremainingstairsandsidlemywayoutofthelobby,when

Ariannalookedup,hergazesettlingonme.Garethlookedupatthesametime,frowned,
thenwhisperedsomethingintoArianna’sear.Hercheekswerestainedwithcolorasshe
repliedtohim,nodded,thenwavedmeover.

UndernocircumstancesdidIwanttogoandjointhem.I’dsufferedthroughroot

canalsurgerybeforewithoutanesthetic,andeventhatsoundedmorepleasantthatbeing
introducedtothisfuckingjack-hole.Still…thiswasSera’ssister’swedding.Ihadtokeep
remindingmyselfofthat.SerathoughtIwastheshittiesthumanbeingtoeverdraw
breath,butIcouldatleastproveherwronginthis.Icouldatleastmakesuretodaywas
nothingbutsmoothsailing.

“Thereweare,darling,”Ariannasaidbreezily,asIarrivedattheirgroup.“Itoldyou

hewaspartoftheweddingparty.FelixMarcosa,meetmyboyfriend,GarethDouvillier.
Garethwasjustsayingthatyoulookedlikeyouwereabouttoperformatarockconcert,
notattendawedding.”

“Actually,Ididn’t,”Garethsaidtightly.Hiseyeswereblandanduninteresting.

Untrustworthy.“Isaidhelookedlikeanunderpaidroadie,whoshouldbeluggingDJ
equipmentthroughtheserviceentranceattherearofthehotel,notlurkinginthelobby

duringawinemixer.”

Well,well,well.Garethhadasharptongueinhishead.Hewantedtolookdownat

me,Icouldtell.Troublewas,Iwasaboutsixinchestallerthanhim,andIwasn’twearing
liftsinmyshoeslikehewas.Ariannalaughed,highpitchedandnervous,playfully
slappingGareth’sarm.“I’msorry,Felix.Gareth’salwaysalittletestyatthesethings.
Peopleaskhimsomanyquestions,y’know?He’sverysuccessfulatwhathedoes,and
everyonewantstoknowhissecrets.”

“Oh.That’sgreat.I’mprettyfuckingsuccessfulatwhatIdo,too.”

Arianna’smouthgapedopenthemomentIswore.Garethdidn’tseemtocare,though.

“Oh?Andwhatmightthatbe?”hedrawled.

“Whoknows?”Islappedhimontheshoulder.Hard.“Maybeonedayyou’llfindout

firsthand.”

Hebaredhisteethatme.Itwassupposedtobeasmile,butgoodol’Garethwas

transparentasfuck.Hedidn’tlikeme,andhewasn’tdoingaverygoodjobofconcealing
hisemotions.“Whatevershe’stoldyou,it’snottrue,youknow,”hesaid.“Noneofit.
She’safuckingliar.”

“I’msorry?Idon’tfollow.”

“Sera.InevercheatedonherwithArianna.We’dalreadybrokenupwhenIgotwith

her.”

Istifledalaugh.“Sera?Serawaswithyou?”

Garethwasindignationpersonified.“Don’tgivemethatshit.There’snowayshe

didn’ttellyouaboutme.Shelostherfreakingmindwhenwesplit.”

God.SoIwasn’tjustcrashingawedding.Iwasneckdeepinex-drama,too.Thatwas

justfuckingperfect.Ifoldedmyarmsacrossmychest,makingsuretoflexmymusclesa
little.“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou,man.She’snevermentionedyournamebefore.She
can’thavebeenthatdistraught.Goodonyou,though.Sera’sacatch.You’realuckyman
tohavespentanytimewithheratall.”Gonewasmysmile.Andgonewasthearrogant
glintinGareth’seye.

“She’saheadcase,man.You’vegotyourhandsfullwithalltheluggagethatbitch

carriesaroundwithher.Imean,whythefuckwouldyouwanttoinvolveyourselfwith
damagedgoodslikethat?Herownfatherfuckedaroundwithher.”

I’dbeenplanningonwalkingawayfromthisconversationwithoutbeingacunt.

Thereweretimeswhenitwasappropriatetosmashyourfistintosomeone’sjawinthe
middleofacrowdedroom,andthereweretimeswhenitwassmartertosendaparting
shotacrossthebowandwalkthefuckaway.Garethwasaneedypieceofshitwhodidn’t
liketheideathattherewerepeopleoutthereintheworldwho’dwitnessedhisuglyside.
I’dhandledscoresofguysjustlikehim,andI’dlearnedhowtocutthemdownandmove
onwithoutbreakingasweat.Buttocallherabitch?Tospeakopenlytosomeoneyou
don’tknowaboutherbeingsexuallyassaulted?I’dhavetounpackthatoneanddealwith

itlater,butfornow…

Nope.Nofuckingway.

Iwasitchingtolaythebastardout.Fairenough,IknewverylittleaboutSera,hadno

righttofeelprotectiveoverher,butnoneofthatmattered.Slatingyourextothemanyou
whowasnowdatingher(asfarasheknew)wasaclasslessact,butresortingtoname
callingwasjustfuckinghorseshit.Iplayedoutwhatitwouldfeelliketoknockthe
motherfuckeroutrighthereandnow.Thebrightsnapofpainasmyknucklesconnected
withhisjaw.Thevivid,brightredofthebloodhewouldshed.Thesatisfyingthudhis
skullwouldmakeasitbouncedoffthefloor.Itwasallgoingsowellinmyhead,untilI
imaginedthelookofhorroroneveryoneelse’sfaces,andtheshitSerawouldhavetofield
asaresultofmyrashactions.

Fuck.

Thesenseofgratificationthathadbeenwellingupinsideofmevanished.Icouldn’t

doittoher.“Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutme,”Isaid.Theveininmytemplewas
poundinglikeadementeddrum.“Sera’sbaggageisnothingcomparedtomine.And
besides.Iworkout.I’mperfectlycapableofcarryingwhateverpainandheartbreakshe’s
beenthroughforher.NotthatIneedto,ofcourse.Sera’sawildfire.Alotofguysaren’t
capableofcaringforawomanwho’sbeenbraveenoughtofightherwaythroughdark
times.Don’tworry.Igetit.Theirstrengthcanbeintimidating.”

Gareth’smouthwasyawningopen,momentsawayfromspewingoutevenmore

bullshit.Arighthookwouldhavebeenimpeccablytimedrightnow,butinsteadIturned
aroundandwalkedaway.IknewexactlywhatIwasdoing;menlikeGarethwereusedto
beinglistenedto.Theybelievedeverythingtheysaidanddidwasofgreatimportto
others.Forsomeonetobelittlethem,cutthemoff,turntheirbackonthemandwalkaway?
Thatwasfuckingcrushingtoapuffedup,egotisticaldegeneratelikehim.

AsIcasuallystrolledoutofthelobby,Igrabbedabellboybythearm,jerkingmy

headbackovermyshoulderinGareth’sdirection.“Hey,thatblondguyovertherewiththe
redhead?What’shedriving?Tellmeandthisisyours.”Ishowedhimthehundred-dollar
billI’dtakenoutofmypocket.

ThebellboysquintedatGareth,thenbackatthehundred-dollarbillagain.“Thered

Lamborghinioutback.Thebrandnewonewiththeblackleatherinterior.”

“I’llgiveyouanotherhundredifyouloanmethekeysfortenminutes.”

“Why?You’renotgoingtodoanythingbadtoit,areyou?”

“Oh,god,no.I’dneverdodamagesomeone’sride.Ijusthaveagiftforhimisall.”

BythetimeIwasdonepissinginthefrontseatofGareth’sstupidlyostentatious

vehicle,thepoundinginmytempleshadeased.Iwasn’tdonewiththatmotherfucker,
though.Notevenclosetodone.Mybootsbitintothegravelonthewaybackacrossthe
parkinglot.Fuckit.Iwasn’tgoingtobotherfindingasuitforthisludicrousevent.I’d
skiptheceremony,andthenhangoutatthereceptiononcethephotoswereoutoftheway.
Andoncenightfellandever—

“Father?FatherMarcosa?”

Mybootsstopped.Myheartstopped.Theworldstopped.

Who?

Whowouldknowtocallmethatouthere,inthemiddleofnowhere?Thechances

werenon-existent.MymindwentblankasIturnedaround…andlookedintothefaceofa
manIneverthoughtIwouldseeagain.

FIFTEEN

INTERFERENCE

SERA

Amywascrying,makeupstreamingdownherfacewhenIenteredthebeautifullylit,
luxuriousreceptionroomwhereIwassupposedtobehavingmymakeupandhairdone.
Shelookedup,blinkinglikecrazythroughhertears,andletoutaloud,heartbrokensob
whensherecognizedme.

“Sera,ohgod…”

“Whatisit?What’swrong?”IwasusedtoAmy’sfitsofhysterics,buthertemper

tantrumsweretypicallyaccompaniedbyscreamingandbreakableobjectsbeingthrown.
Today,shewascurledinonherself,shouldersrounded,thestrapofthenudeslipshewas
wearingfallingoffherrightshoulder.Shelookedlikeabrokenlittlegirl,likeshewas
physicallyhurtinsomeway,andmyheartroseupintomythroat.Shehiccuppedasshe
buriedherfaceinherhands,hidingherselfaway.

“God,Ididn’tknow,Iswear,”shemoaned.

Icroucheddowninfrontofher,tryingtogentlyprizeherhandsawayfromherface.

“Didn’tknowwhat?”

“This—thisissuch—amess,”shewhispered.“Idon’twanttodothisnow.Ijustwant

togohome.”

“Youdon’twanttogetmarried?”Ifshereallydidn’twanttotietheknottoday,I’d

helpherplotaplanofescapeoutofthehotelwithoutasecondthought,butJesus…After
everythingI’dbeenthroughinordertogethere,Ihadtofightdowntheurgetoslapher.

“No,ofcourseIwanttogetmarried.IloveBen.But…”

“But?”

Imanagedtopeelbackoneofherhands.Sheallowedtheothertofall,revealing

bloodshoteyesandsmudgedlipstick.Shewasamess,butIdideverythingIcouldtokeep
mydismayfromshowing.Thatwouldn’thelpatall.Pullinginadeepbreath,shepickedat
ahangingthreadonthehemofherslip,herfingerstuggingatitnervously.

“Theythoughttheyweredoingtherightthing,Sera.Iswear.Theywouldneverhave

invitedhimiftheyknew…”

“Amy,takeadeepbreath.Icanbarelyunderstandawordyou’resaying.Startfrom

thebeginning.Whothoughttheyweredoingtherightthing?Whodidtheyinvite?”

ThesecondAmyexhaled,shiveringfromcold,andthenlookedupatme,asinking,

dreadfulweightpulledatmyinsides.No…no,god,noonewouldhaveinvitedhimhere.
Theywouldn’tbethatcruel.Amywasn’tshakingfromthecold;shewasshakingfrom
fear.Myhandsdroppedtomysides.Strangely,Icouldn’tfeelmybodyanymore.Iwas
numbfromthehairlinedown.TheonlywayIknewmyheartwasracingoutofcontrol
wasbecauseofthedizzinessthathadwashedoverme.

“Whoinvitedhim?”Iaskedbreathlessly.

Amyhiccuppedagain,wipinghernoseonthebackofherhand.“Ben’sparents.Itold

themheusedtobeabusive.Itoldthemaboutthealcoholandthedrugs.Iexplainedhow
wehadn’tbeenincontactformanyyears.Ijust…couldn’t…tellthemabout…”

Shetrailedoffasafreshwaveoftearstookherover.Ikeptmyfacetrainedintoa

blank,expressionlessmask.IfIallowedmyselftoreact,Iwasgoingtofallapart.There
wasnowayI’dbeabletoholdmyselftogether,and,justlikealways,Amyneededmeto
bestrongforher.SoIdidmybest.

“Youdon’tunderstandpeoplelikeBen’sparents,”Amysaid,sniffing.“Familyisso

importanttothem.Theycouldn’tbearthethoughtofmegettingmarriedwithoutmy
fatherpresent,sotheyreachedouttohim.They…god,theywenttoseehim,Sera.They
saidhe’dturnedhimselfaround,wasdoingreallywellforhimself,andthathe’d…he’d
criedwhentheytoldhimaboutmegettingmarriedtoBen.Theyaskedhimtocome.It
wasmeanttobeasurprise,butBenletitslipthismorning.Saidhedidn’twantmeto
blindsidedwhenIsawhimsittingthereonthefrontrow.”

Blindsided.Thatwassuchanappropriateterm.Whothefuckwentandinvited

someone’sfathertotheirweddingwithouttheirconsent?Amyhadplannedthiswhole
thingdowntothelastletter.Herattentiontodetailwasmeticulous.Herfailuretoinvite
Sixsmithtoherweddinghadn’tbeenanoversight.Therewasadamngoodreasonwhy
she’dlefthimofftheguestlist,sowhyinthenameoffuckwouldBen’sparentshave
priedandinterferedsobadly?

Iwasn’tsurprisedSixsmithhadconvincedthemhewasareformedcharacter.When

mostpeoplethoughtofanalcoholic,theyimaginedapersonlivinginsqualor,dirtyand
unkempt,brokeandunemployed.Ourfather’saddictionwasn’tanobviousthing.Hewas
obsessivelyclean,managedtogethimselftoandfromworkeveryday,dressedhimself
nicelyforthemostpart,andalwaysmadesurehehadafewdollarsinhispocket.

Whenhewasn’tdrinking,hewastheepitomeofcharming.TheoneandonlytimeI

everbreathedawordofwhatwashappeningathometoanadult,I’dshownmysixth
gradeteacherthebruisesthatcoveredmyupperarms,thighs,stomachandbuttocks,and
she’dstormedovertomyhousetoconfrontSixsmith.Bythetimesheleftanhourlater,
SixsmithhadmanagedtoconvinceherthatI’dlied,thatI’dbeenactingoutoflate,vying
forattentionbecauseAmyhadbeensickandtakingupeverybody’stime,andthathewas
so,sosorryforthetimemyteacherhadwasted.I’dlistenedtotheirconversationfromthe
topstepofthestairs,huggingmykneestomychest,eyesscrewedtightlyshut,andI

rememberedbeingsosurethatMissHarrietwasgoingtoseestraightthroughSixsmith’s
ruse.Itwassocleartome.Soeasytodetectthesubtleedgetohistonethatrevealedhow
angryhewasthathe’dbeenfoundout.ButitwasasthoughSixsmithwasablindspotfor
mostpeople.They’dtryandfailtoseeanentirepictureofhim.MissHarriethadbelieved
him,andwhenIreturnedtoschoolthenextMonday,afteraweekendofseverebeatings,
beinglockedinSixsmith’sbedroomandforcedtosleepnakedunderhisbed,she’dtold
metocoverupmybruises,andthatifIshowedanyoneelseIwouldbesenttothe
principle’soffice.

“Please,Sera.Don’t…don’tcauseascene.Ijust…Idon’tknowwhattodo.”Amy

wasrockingbackandforth;shegrabbedmyhandsinherown,alternatingbetween
squeezingwaytoohardandshakinglikealeaf.“Ididn’teventellBen,”shesaid
sorrowfully.“ThemanIlove.ThemanI’mmeanttobemarryinginlessthanthreehours.
Icouldn’tbringmyselftofacethetruth,andtellingBenaboutSixsmithjust…justmadeit
allseemsoreal.IfIhadn’tbeensuchacoward,hewouldhaveknownthatbringinghim
herewasaterribleidea.Hecouldhavestoppedhisparentsfromevergoingtoseehim.”

“Hashearrivedyet?”Iaskedstiffly.

Amyshookherhead,freshwavestumblingintoherface.“Idon’tknow.Idon’tthink

so.”

“Allright.It’sokay.I’lldealwithit.”

Amystoppedshaking.Amomentlater,shestoppedcrying.“How?”

“I’llfindhim.I’llmakesurehedoesn’tstay.Don’tworry.Justgetintoyourdressand

havethemfixyourmakeup.Everythingwillbefine.Ipromise.”

******

Everythingwasnotfine.Ididn’tthinkIwasgoingtomakeittothebathroombeforeI

threwup,butIprovedmyselfwrong.Islungthedoorclosed,droppedtomykneesand
leanedforwardjustintimetogetmostofmyvomitinthetoiletbowl.

MymindwasspinningasIsaggedbackagainstthedoor,legstangledupbeneathme,

mythroatburning.Ben’sparentsweremeddlingassholes.WhenIfiguredoutwhatthey
lookedlikeandtrackedthemdown,theyweregoingtowishthey’dneverstucktheir
nosesintoLaffertybusiness.

Myfather.

Myfather,here,inthesameplaceasAmyandme.

Aftereightyears…

Ibowedoverthetoiletandpukedagain,sohardandsoviolentlythatitfeltlikeIwas

tearingmuscle.I’dsufferedthroughallthosenightmares,yearafteryear.I’dtoldmyself
theywerenothing,justbaddreams,andIcouldhandlethem,becauseI’dneverhaveto

seeSixsmithagainintheflesh.Theversionofhimthatlivedinsidemysubconscious
couldtauntandharassmeuntiltheendoftime,becauseI’dneverhavetostandinfrontof
himandallowhimtoharmmeinreallifeeveragain.Exceptnowherewewere…

Icoulddoit.WhenAmyandIhadfinallyescapedMontmorenci,I’dtoldSixsmith

I’dguthimlikeafishifIeversaworheardfromhimagain.Formytroubles,he’d
punchedmesohardIthoughtmyeyesockethadcavedin,butwe’dstillgottenupand
walkedoutofthatplace.IfI’dbeenabletodothatbackthen,Icouldtellthepieceofshit
togetthefuckoutofourlivesasecondtimearound.Hecouldn’tbeallowedtoruinthis
forAmy.Benwasaboutasengagingasawetpaperbag,andasfarashisphysiquewent,
hehadjustaboutasmuchchanceoffightinghiswayoutofone,buthemademysister
smile.Hemadeherforgetherpast,andthatwasthemostimportantthingintheworld.I
wasn’tgoingtoletthatsickfuckstrollbackintoherlifeandscreweverythingupforher.
Itjustwasn’tgoingtohappen.I’ddoanythinginmypowertopreventthat.Itdidn’t
matterthatseeingSixsmithwouldbetraumaticforme.IcouldreinforcetheBand-Aids
thatwerecurrentlyholdingmetogetherlater,whenallwassaidanddone.But,inbetween
nowandthen,Ihadtofacethemanthedemonwhostalkedmysleep,andIhadtobe
fuckingbrave.

******

IfoundFix,stillinhist-shirtandrippedjeans,talkingtoanoldmanoutsideadoor

labeled,‘ReadingRoom.’Oneithersideoftheoldman’shead,perchedjustabovehis
ears,weretwotuftsofthinwhitehair,likelittlepuffycloudsofsmoke.Hisfacewasariot
ofwrinkles,aroadmapofyearsthatseemedtohavetakenaharshtollonhim.Hiseyes
werealert,sharpandbright,though.WhenhespottedmeoverFix’sshoulder,hebroke
intoasmile.

“Well,there’snomistakingyou,then,”hesaid.“You’reSera,Amy’ssister.I’d

recognizethatchinanywhere.”

“Haha,yeah.TheoldLaffertychin.It’sapleasuretomakeyouracquaintance.”Ihad

noideawhoIwasmeeting,sincetheoldguyfailedtosupplymewithhisname.Fix
rockeduncomfortablyonhisheels,hishandsshoveddeepinhispockets.Evenwith
everythingthatwasgoingon,myinsidesreeledwheneverIlookedathim.Hewas
so…Fix.Acreaturemadeoutofshadowsandlight.Adream,andanightmarerolledinto
one.Hewasbothsidesofacointoss,consequenceandreward.Iwantedtokisshimso
badlyrightthenthatmylipsached.Iwantedtorunawayfromhim,screaming,justas
badly.Itwasmydutytowarneveryonethatawolfhadsnuckinamongsttheflockof
sheep,andwaslikelytostartfeedinganysecond,butIfoundmyselfstandingthere,
pretendinglikenothingwaswrong.

“IwaswonderingifIcouldtalktoyouforasecond?”Isaid.Thentotheoldman,

“I’msorry.Idon’tmeantointerruptyourconversation.Thiswillonlytakeasecond.”

“Oh,that’squiteallright.FelixandIwerejustgoingreminiscingaboutthegoodold

dayswhenItaughthimatseminary.Wecanpickupwhereweleftofflater.Thatis,ifI
haven’tdroppeddowndeadbythen,naturally.Whenyougettomyage,everypassing
minuteissomewhatasurprise,tobehonest.”Hislaughwasraucous;hemightwellhave
beeninhislateeighties,buthisconstitutionseemedstrong.Iwasn’tpayingtoomuch
attentiontotheoldguy’smirth,though.I’dcaughtandstuckonawordhe’djustsaid:
seminary.

Seminary?

Itwasn’tawordyouheardoftenthesedays,butIknewwhatitwas.Fixhadbeenin

seminary?Thatimagejustwouldnotcompute.Ifrownedathimasheplacedhishandinto
thesmallofmybackandguidedmeawayfromtheoldman.

“Whowasthat?”Ihissed.

“FatherGregoryRichards.He’sofficiatingyoursister’swedding.”

“Andyouknowhim?”

“Barely.”Fixshrugged,navigatinghiswayoutthefrontofthebuilding,pushingme

infrontofhim.Assoonaswewereoutside,Idugmyheelsintothegravel,refusingto
takeanotherstep.

“Youwenttoseminary,Fix?Whatthefuckwereyoudoinginseminaryschool?”

“Learning,mostly.Gettinganeducation.”

“ACatholiceducation?Inordertobecomeapriest?”

“Ithoughtyouknew,”hesaidquietly.“YouheardtheconversationIhadwithFranz

intheautoshopbefore…”

“Beforeyoukilledhim?Yeah,Iheardwhatyoubothsaid.Ithoughtitwascodeor

something.Ididn’tthinkhemeant…Ididn’tthinkyoumeant…Oh,fuck.So…Great.
You’reakidnapper.You’reamurderer.Andnowyou’reafuckingpriest.”

“I’mnotapriestanymore.”Usuallypaleasice,hiseyeshaddarkenedandtakenona

stormy,malevolentedge.

“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”

“Youdidn’task.”

“Fix!”

“I’msorry.Itjustdidn’tseemlikepertinentinformation.”

“Idon’t—”Ishookmyhead.“God,Ijustdon’tunderstandyou!”

“Areyousupposedto?Isunderstandingmegonnamakeanyofthiseasier?”

Hewassofuckinginfuriating.Hehadapoint,though.Knowingadetailedhistoryof

hislifewasn’tgoingtochangeanything.Itwasjust…really?Hewenttoseminaryschool?

“Howlongwereyouapriest?Didyouhaveaparish?Wereyoualwaysthis…”

“Fuckedup?”Thesunlanceddownthroughthetrees,hittinghimfrombehind,and

therewasamomentwhenhisdarkhairturnedtoburnishedcopper.Hisbroadshoulders
weretensed;hiswholebodyseemedtobetensed,actually,thoughIcouldn’tfigureout
why.

“Yeah,”Isnapped.“Haveyoualwaysbeenthisfuckedup?Howdidyouendup

transitioningfromweeklybakeoffsandcharitydrivestokillingpeople,forfuck’ssake?I
mean,itdoesn’tmakeanysense.You’reawalkingdichotomy.”

“Iwasneveraverygoodpriest,”hesaidsoftly.“Iwantedtobegoodatitforawhile

there.HelpingpeoplegavemeapurposeandadirectionIhadn’texperiencedbefore.But
intheend,thatcollarIworearoundmyneckeverydayendedupstranglingthelifeoutof
me.Somethinghappened,andIleft.Intheend,itwouldn’thavemattered,though.I
wouldhavegoneeventually.Itjustwasn’twhoIwas.”

Itwassostrangetohearhimspeakthisway.I’dgottenusedtotheideathathewasan

evil,mindlesspsychopath,butthementalimageofhimthathadjustconjureditselfinside
myheadconflictedwithallofthat.

“Don’t,”Fixgrowledunderhisbreath.“Yourthoughtsarewrittenalloveryourface.

You’rewonderingifthisisallaphase.IfI’mgoingtowakeuponedayandwanttobe
holy,righteous,piousFatherMarcosaagain.Iknowyou’rewonderingthat.Don’twaste
yourtime.I’mnevergoingback,Sera.ThisiswhoIamnow.WhoI’malwaysgoingto
be.Iwon’tchangeforyou.Iwon’tberedeemed.Nothingonthisearthwouldmakeme
tuckmytailbetweenmylegsandrunbacktobeforgiven.Idon’twantit.Andlet’sfaceit.
Attheendoftheday,Idon’tdeserveit.”

Istaredathim,tryingtoreadhim.Itwasimpossible.Hewasanexpertatshielding

hisemotions,secretingthemaway,hidingthemfromtheoutsideworld.Iknewsolittle
abouthim,really,butIknewthisforsure:itwouldtakeacrowbarandalifetimeofeffort
togetthismantoopenup.Thingshadgottensoconfusing.Istilldidn’tknowifIshould
havebeenafraidformylifeornot,andthereIwas,tryingtodecideifIwantedtoownup
totheperplexingfeelingsIwasrapidlydevelopingforthisman.

“Idon’tcareifyouchangeyourmindaboutyourpathorifyoudon’t,Fix.Ijustneed

toknowonething.”Iheldmybreath,waitingforhimtoanswer.

Fixtookastepforward,bowinghisheadsothathedidn’ttowerovermequiteso

badly.“LikeIsaid.Askaway.”

Herewentnothing.

“Wheredoyoukeepyourguns?”

SIXTEEN

CRACKPIPE

FIX

Ihadn’theardherright.Icouldn’thave.Shewasn’taskingtoborrowagun,becausethat
wouldhavebeenabsoluteinsanity.Serastoodherground,gazesteady,fixedonme,
unwavering.Forsomeonewhowasfuckingaround,shesurewasstartingtolookpretty
damnserious.

“Itdoesn’thavetobeloaded,”sheexplained.“Ijustneedittoscaresomeone.”

“Youknowpointingagunatsomeoneisstillacriminaloffence,evenifitisn’t

loaded?”

“Likeyoucareaboutthelaw!”Shelaughed,hardlaughter,fullofanxietyandworry,

devoidofanyhumor.“Justgivemeagun,Fix.I’llgiveitbacktoyouinacoupleof
hours,Iswear.”

“Idon’twantaweaponhandedbacktomeafterit’sbeenusedtocommitafelony.I’d

ratheryouthrewitintoalakeoraquarry,likeeveryotherhalf-wittedwould-bemurderer
inthiscountry.”

“Whatever!Iwon’tgiveitback,then.I’llgetridofit.Just…givemethedamngun,

Fix!”

“Doyouevenknowhowtoholdagun?”

Sherolledhereyes.“It’sgotahandleandItrigger.IthinkI’llfigureitout.”

“Whydon’tyoutellmewhat’sgoingoninstead?MaybeIcanhelp.”

“If,byhelp,youmeanputabulletinthebackofsomeone’sheadforme,thenyeah.

Maybeyoucanhelp.”Shesaidthisflippantly—anoff-the-cuffremarkthatdidn’tmean
anythingtoher.Shewasn’tseriousintheslightest.Ifonlysheknew…

Sera’seyesunfocused,herbodystiffeningasshelookedoutofthewindowovermy

shoulder.Ifollowedhergaze;anoldredChevywaspullingupthedriveway,rust
pockmarkingthepaintwork,andaconsiderabledentinthedriver’ssidedoorpanel.The
carhadseenbetterdays,andsohaditsdriver.Aguyinhismid-fiftiessatbehindthe
wheel,hisdarkhairslickedback,thinningontopbadlyenoughthatthetopofhisshiny
headwaseasilyvisible.Whenhegotoutofthecar,handinghiskeysofftothevaletslash
bellboywithaflourish,asifhisridewasabrandnewTesla,Imadeaquickassessmentof

him.Scuffedbrownleathershoes.Yellowingshirtunderneathafadedbluesuitthatlooked
likeitlastsawthelightofdayintheseventies.Theman,ofcourse,wasSixsmithLafferty,
Sera’sfather.Iknewasmuch,butIkeptmymouthshut.

Serahadturnedadeathlypalewhite,herfacebleachedofallcolor.“Shit.”Shetooka

stepbackawayfromthewindowandnearlyknockedoverasmallwalnutsidetablethat
wasladenwithflowersandalargebowl,containingchocolateswrappedingoldfoil.I
grabbedholdofherbythearm,steadyingher.

“Timetotellmewhatthefuck’sgoingon,”Isaid.“Doesthatmanmeansomethingto

you?Ishethereasonyouwantagun?”

Seralookedlikeshe’dshrunktoabouthalfherregularsize.Therewassomuchfight

andfireinherwhenshewasconfrontingme,butrightnow,shelookedlikeshewanted
thegroundtoopenupandswallowher.GarethhadsaidSera’sfatherhadtouchedher.The
sliceonherjawwasn’tconfirmationofthat,butitwasalmostcertainlyconfirmationthat
he’dbeenviolentwithher.IhadtoturnmyselftostoneasSeraletoutaraggedbreath,
scanningthehallwayfromlefttoright;itlookedlikeshewassearchingforanescape
route.

“That’sSixsmith,”shesaid,hervoicethreeoctaveshigherthannormal.“He’smy

father.Wedon’t…wedon’tseeeye-to-eye.”

FromwhatIknewofSixsmithLafferty,hedidn’tseeeyetoeyewithmanypeople.

Hewasthelowestofthelow.Scumoftheearth.Aworthless,violent,disgustingpieceof
trashthatneededputtingdown.“You’resweating,Sera.”Ireachedoutandtouchedher
forehead,contemplatingthewetpadsofmyfingersbeforeIcarefullyslidthemintomy
mouth.

“God,nowreallyisn’tthetime,Fix,”Serapanted.

Iangledmyheadtooneside,studyingher.“I’vetastedyourecstasy.I’vetastedyour

anger.Iwantedtoknowwhatyourfeartastedlike.”

“I’mnotafraid.”

“Thenwhyareyoushaking?”

Seraopenedhermouth.Shehadsomethingtosay,but…nothingcameout.Iwanted

toscoopherintomyarmsandpressherintome.Iwantedtoholdsohertight,shedidn’t
needtobreatheanymore.Iwantedtoprotecther,evenwhenprotectingherwouldonly
causemorehurtandanguish.“Ifyoureallywantagun,I’llgiveyouone,”Iwhispered.
“Butyouthreateninghim…doyoureallythinkyoucoulddoit?”

Sera’sexpressionhardened,turningtomoltensteel.“Youdon’tknowwhatI’m

capableof.”

“Icanguess.But,whenyoutakeonthatkindofviolence…ittaintsyou.Ittransforms

you.Youthinkyou’lljustpointagunathimandhe’llgoaway?That’snothowmenlike
himwork.Theyloveconfrontation.Theyloveseeingtheterrorintheirvictim’seyes.
They’reexcitedbyit.Violencebegetsviolence,Sera.Ifyou’renotwillingtoactually

followthroughandpullthattrigger,tomakehimgoawayforreal,he’llknow.He’llseeit
inyoureyes.”

“Then…urgh!WhatamIsupposedtodo?”Herwordsranintoeachother,frustrationand

panicrearingtheiruglyheads.Herchestwasrisingandfallingtoorapidly;shewasonthe
brinkofananxietyattack,anditwaswithinmypowertostopit.Ididn’tneedtohandher
aweaponandallowhertofaceherSixsmithalone.Icouldtakecareofhimforhereasily
enough,butthenthere’dbenoclosureforSera.Thewholethingwascomplicated,and
growingmoreandmorecomplicatedbytheday.IfIweresmart,Iwouldtakethebastard
outtothesmallcopseoftreesattherearofthehotel,andI’ddigmythumbsintohiseye
socketsuntilhewasdead.Nonoisygunshotstoalertthehotelpatronsofsomething
untoward.Norealmess.There’dbeabitofblood,butnotasmuchastherehadbeenwith
FranzbackinLibertyFields.KillingSixsmithwithmybarehandswouldfeellikejustice.
Itwouldbeabrutaldeath,andyetitwouldstillbefarkinderthanthatsick,depraved
motherfuckerdeserved.

“Just…letmetakecareofhim,Sera.Youdon’twanthimhere?Fine.I’llmakehim

leave.Youshouldgoandgetready.Theceremony’sgoingtostartsoon,right?”

Serainhaledsharply,hereyebrowsrisingupherforehead.Shehadn’texpectedmeto

makeanofferlikethat.Makingajokeoutofmekillingherdadwasonething,but
apparentlytheconceptthatImighthandlethesituationinanotherwayhadn’toccurredto
her.

“Youcan’t,”shewhispered.“Icouldn’taskyoutodothat.”

“Whynot?”Ismirked.“Haven’tImadeyourlifemiserablesincewemet?Don’tI

oweyouafavorortwo?”

SuspicionflaredinSera’seyes,butthetensionthathadbeenradiatingoffher

dissipatedalittle.“Youthinktellingmyfathertoleaveapartywillabsolveyouofyour
guilt,thenfine…goahead.Makehimleave.But…”

“ButI’mstillanevilpieceofshit,andyou’renevergoingtotrustorforgiveme.

Don’tworry.Igotit.”

HersmilewaswobblyasIleftherstandingtherebythewindow.Laffertyhad

probablyenteredthebuildingbynow.Thevalethadimmediatelymovedhiscarfrom
outsidethehotel,probablysonoonewouldseethebrokendownbeater,sohe’dbeenfree
toenterandmakehimselfcomfortable.Only,whenIlappedthelobby,squeezingthrough
thecrowd,handingouttight-lippedsmilestoeveryonewhotriedtosayhelloorstopme,I
couldn’tfindSera’sfatheranywhere.

Islippedoutthefront,searchingforhim,buthewasnowheretobesee—

Wait.

There.

Tomyright,camouflagedinthebushesatthesideofthesweepingdrivewayleading

uptothehotel,IspottedLafferty’sbustedupbrownleathershoes.Theguynearlyshit

himselfIyankedbackathickbranchoffoliage,exposinghim.“Whatthefuckman!Can’t
aguytakealeakinpeacearoundhere?”

TherewasnothingofSerainhim.Rather,therewasnothingofhiminSera.Shemust

havehadhermother’seyes,andhermother’schin,andhermother’scheekbones.
SixsmithLafferty’sfacewaslittlemorethanpaper-thinskinwrappedaroundagaunt
skull.Hiseyeswerebrown,dullandcruel.Thedeepwrinklesthatbracketedhismouth
hadnothingtodowithlaughter.Theyweretheresultofapermanentsneertheman
seemedtohaveperfectedandwassendinginmydirectionthisverysecond.

“Funny.Ididn’tknowyoucouldpissandhitacrackpipeatthesametime.You’re

verymultitalented,”Ishotback.

SixsmithhaddroppedhishandsdownwhenI’dpulledbackthebranch,butnotquick

enough.I’dseentheglasspipeheldupathislips,andthecurlofacridsmokeescaping
downhisnostrilsrightnowwasprettydamning.

Sixsmith’ssneerdeepened.“Youacop?”

“No.”

“Thenit’snoneofyourfuckingbusiness,isit?”Heturnedhisbackonme,whichwas

hisfirstmistake.Therewasavastangerinsideme.Alakeofit.No,morethanalake.
Therewasaseaofangerinsideme,andtheonlythingholdingitbackwasthehighdam
wallI’dconstructedinmymind.Thedamwashigh,anditwasthick,andithadheldback
myangerforyears.ThedamwasweakeningwitheverysecondIspentinSixsmith
Lafferty’spresence,though.Crackswereforming,deepandjagged,andIhadnoideahow
longthewallwasgoingtostand.Sixsmithputtheglasspipetohismouth,holdinga
lightertothebulbatitsend,thendrewinastreamofpurewhitesmoke.

Hedidn’thearmeapproaching.Andhedidn’tmakeapeepwhenIdrewbackmyfist

andslammeditintothebaseofhisskullashardasIfuckingcould.Sixsmith’sneckmade
asickeningcrunchingsound,andtheguycrumpledintotheleaflitterlikehislegshadjust
beentakenoutfromunderneathhim.That’sright,asshole.Knockedthefuckout.

Hewasn’tdead.IcouldeasilyhavekilledhimwithapunchlikethatifI’dreally

wantedto.Allitwouldhavetakenwasalittlemorestrengthandalittledetermination.I
didn’twantSixsmithdead,though.Notyet,anyway.Hewouldn’tevenbeparalyzedwhen
hewokeupfromhismomentarynap.He’dhavearagingheadache,butasidefromthat
he’dbefine.

Ididn’thavemuchtime.Therewerepeopleatallthewindows,nowdressedforthe

weddingintheirfinestsuitsanddresses.I’dbenoticedifIdraggedSixsmith’slifeless
bodyacrossthegravelturningcirclethatfannedoutinfrontofthehotelentrance.Iwas
goingtohavetodraghimthroughthetrees,aroundthesideofthebuilding,andthen
aroundthemultitudeofcarsthathadbeenparkedascloseaspossibletothebuilding.
Fromthere,IshouldbesafetositdownwithSixsmithandhavealittle,friendlychatwith
him.Itwouldn’ttakelong.

DraggingSixsmith’slimp,unresponsivebodytohiscar,parkedinthefurthestspot

possiblefromthehotel,wasnofunwhatsoever.Sixsmithlookedlikeheweighedabuck
sixty,buthisbonesmusthavebeenmadeoutofsurgicalsteelorsomething.Hewasa
deadweight.Iwasn’texactlycarefulwithhimasIluggedhimtowardmydestination;
he’dbeblackandblueinacoupleofdays,andit’dtakeasolidweekforhisheadacheto
disappear.

Sixsmithdidn’twakeupwhenIdumpedhimnexttohisChevy.Hedidn’twakeup

whenIkickedhimwiththetoeofmyboot,either.Ittookafirmbackhanderacrossthe
facetorousehim,andwhenhedidwakeup,hepeeredupatme,browsbankedtogether,
confusionswampinghim.

“Whatthe…fuck?Youfuckinghitme?”

“Yeah,Ifuckinghityou.Andifyoudon’tkeepyourtongueinyourhead,I’lldoit

again,bitch.”

Sixsmithslowlyclosedhiseyes,maniclaughterbubblingoutofhim,growinglouder

andlouder.“You’reafuckingdeadman,”hewheezed.“I’mgonnafuckingkillyou.This
ismydaughter’swedding.Iwasinvitedhere,youlittleshit.”

“Amydidn’tinviteyou.Amydoesn’twantyouhere.NeitherdoesSera.”

SixsmithstoppedlaughingatthementionofSera’sname.Hisadoptedablank,void

stare,lacedwith…desire?Achillrandownmyspine.Itwasdesire.Notasexualkindof
attraction,butoneofdominance.“Sera’shere,too?”heraspedout.

“You’renotgoingtoseeeitherofthem.You’regoingtogetinyourcaranddrive

away.Rightnow.”

“LikehellIam.Idrovefivehourstobehereforthisthing.Ihaveeveryfuckingright

toseemykids.Whoareyoutotellmetofuckoff,huh?”

“I’mSera’sguest.”

“Ha.Herguest?Notherusualtype,Igottasay.Shenormallylikesherguysa

little…older.”

Idroppedintoacrouchinfrontofhim,restingmyelbowsonmyknees,lacingmy

fingerstogether.“CanIaskyousomething?”Isaidsoftly.Sixsmithjustfrowned.Hemust
havebeenthrownbythechangeinmytoneofvoice.“Doyouwanttodie?BecauseI’m
gettingthefeelingthatyoudon’tcareaboutyourlifeverymuch.”

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”Sixsmithsnapped.

“Ifyoudidvalueyourlife,”Icontinued,“thenyou’dtakeonelookatmyfaceand

knowbetterthantoutterSera’snameeveragain.Youwouldn’teventhinkabouther.You
sureasfuckwouldn’tmakeanotherderogatoryremarkaboutherchoiceinsexualpartners,
becauseIcanguaranteeyouthatwillleadyoutoaverybadplace.Doyouunderstandme,
asshole?”

God,howmuchwouldIhavelovedtosmashhisfaceintotheconcrete,untilthere

wasnothingleftbutmangledmeatandshardsofbone?Thedaminsidemyheadhad

crumbledalittlefurther,andmywrathwasspillingforth.TherewasnothingIcoulddo
aboutitnow.Itwastoolatetotryandignoreit.Ihadtobestrong,though.Ihadnoother
choice.IfIlostmyselfandkilledSixsmithhere,therewouldbenoescapingthe
consequences.Mynamewasonthehotel’sguestregister.I’dgiventhemacopyofmy
driver’slicensefortheirrecords.TheplacewassteepedinSoutherncharm,andbygone
hospitalitywasstillaveryrealconcernhere,buttheyweren’toperatinginthedarkages.
I’dnoticedatleastthreecamerasinthelobby,nottomentionthetwoI’dspiedinthe
hallwaythismorningonourwayuptotheroom.

SotheyhadmyID.Theyhadmeoncamera.TheyknewwhatIlookedlike,andthey

hadplentyoffootagetoevidencethatIwasheretoday.Therefore,todaycouldnotbethe
lastdayanyonesawSixsmithLafferty.

“Tellthemtocomeouthereandmakemeleave,”Sixsmithsaidbreathlessly.“Tell

them…iftheycomeouthereandtellmetheydon’twantmehere,I’llgo.”

“Thisisn’tanegotiation.We’renothavingaconversationhere.I’mtellingyouthat

youneedtoleave.You’regoingtohearmeandobligeme,oryou’regoingtoendupina
shitloadofpain.Yourcall.”

Sixsmith’slipspeeledback.Histeethwereafuckingmess.Hespatontheground

nexttohim,wincingasheslowlyturnedandgotontohisknees,thenstoodup.“What’s
yourname?”heaskedquietly,shootingdaggersatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.“If
you’resuchabadass,youwon’tmindtellingme.”

Shit.Iknewwhyhewantedtotheinformation.“Myname’sFix.Butyouwon’tfind

anyinformationonmewhenyougosnoopingaroundinmyshit,oldman.”

Narrowedeyes.Humiliationandfuryboilinginhisveins.“Andwhy’sthat,Fix?”

“BecauseI’msmart.Idon’tleavecookiecrumbslyingaroundforidiotslikeyouto

follow.Andlet’sfaceit.You’refuckingdumb.Forgettheneedle.Youcouldn’tfinda
pieceofhayinahaystack.”Sixsmithgrowledunderhisbreath.Hepushedbackhisworn
bluesuitjacketandmadeapointofshowingmethewicked-lookingknifehehadclipped
tohisbelt.Ijustshrugged.“Goahead.Pullitonme.Seewhathappens.”

Hedidn’tpullit.Hetiltedhisheadback,settinghisjaw,posturing,ashewalkedto

hisChevyandgotin.Istoodbackandwatchedhimwithmyarmsfoldedacrossmychest.
SixsmithwasinthecarandtheenginewasrunningwhenIrememberedsomethingIwas
supposedtodo.Shit.Igrappledwithmycellphone,tuggingitoutofmypocket,flicking
upthebottomtoolbarandhittingthecameraicon.

“Hey,Sixsmith.Say‘America’sMostWanted.’”

Sixsmithturnedonme,nostrilsflared,cheeksstainedred,hisbrowmarkedwith

sweat.Itookhispicture,andIwatchedasastonecold,deadly,flatkindofcalmovertook
him.“NexttimeIseeyou,I’llreturnthefavor,”hesaid.“I’llbetheonewiththecamera
inmyhand.Andyou’llbetheonelyingonthefloor,dead,withyourownseveredpecker
shoveddownyourthroat.”

“Ouch.Quitethevisual.IdoubtIcouldtakemyowndickinmymouth,though.I’ma

bigboy.”Idoubledover,bracing,handsrestingonmyknees,ateyelevelwithhimnow.
“Maybeyoucouldgivemesomepointers.Ibetyougotgoodatswallowingcockwhen
youwerelockedupinthatcontrolunitdowninEddyville.”

“SeratoldyouIwaslockedupinKentucky?”heasked,ignoringmybarb.

Ijustsmiledathim.WebothknewSeracouldn’thavetoldmeherfatherhadjust

beenreleasedaftercompletingafour-yearsentenceinEddyville.Theyhadn’t
communicatedinthepastnineandahalfyears,sohowcouldshepossiblyhaveknown
that?Islappedmypalmagainsttheroofofhisshittycar,thengavehimapassive
aggressivewave.“Safejourneybacktohell,Sixsmith.I’llbecomingtopayyouavisit
shortly.”

SEVENTEEN

TOXIC

SERA

Theceremonywaskindoffuckedup.AmywalkeddowntheaisletoaDavidBowiesong
—Starman—thathadabsolutelynothingtodowithlove,commitmentorthebeautyof
everlastingcompanionship.Musthavebeensomesortofprivatejokebetweenherand
Ben,whowasstruckwithnervouslaughterjustasFatherRichardsbegantheservice.One
oftheflowergirlsthrewupasthebrideandgroomweretakingtheirvows,andBen’s
grandfather,Jerry,who’dapparentlyescapedtheNazisinamuckcartinoccupiedFrance
rightattheendoftheSecondWorldWar,hadananginaattack,andeverybodythoughthe
wasabouttodie.Iwasn’tcountingthegrowinglistofindividualdisastersthatwere
tarnishingAmy’sday,however,becausenoneofitmattered.Sixsmithwasn’there.Andif
Sixsmithwasn’there,theneverythingelsewasgoingtobeperfectnomatterwhat.

Asmaidofhonor,IstoodupatthefrontinthehideouspeachdressAmyhadpicked

outforme,andIheldAmy’sbouquetforherwhenBenslidtheweddingringontoher
finger.FatherRichardsdronedonandonaboutthesanctityofmarriage,loyaltyand
obedienceforalittletoolong,duringwhichtimeIscannedthepeopleparkedinthepews,
searchingforFix.Hewasn’tthere.

ArangeofemotionstooktheirturnatconfusingthefuckoutofmeasFatherRichards

toldBenhecouldnowkissthebride.Worrycamefirst.Hadeverythinggonesmoothly
withSixsmith?HadmyfatherattackedFixorsomething?Sixsmithwasunpredictableand
insane,totallycapableoflaunchinghimselfataguytwicetheheightandsizeofhimifhe
feltlikeit.

Annoyancecamenext.FixinsistedoncomingwithmetoFairhope.He’dswornup

anddownhewasn’tgoingtoletmeoutofhissight,andthen…what?He’djustfucking
vanished?Great.

Thelastemotiontohitme,asIfinallyspottedthemaninquestionoutofawindowto

myright,wasdesire—themostconfusingemotionofall.Fixwasoutside,leaningagainst
thewallofwhatlookedlikeasmallguestcottage,onelegbent,thesoleofhisbootresting
againstthewall,andtherewasacigaretteinhishand.Tendrilsofsmokesnakedtheirway
fromhisnostrils,risingaroundhisface,andmystomachturnedoveronitself.

Themaninblack.I’donlyeverseenhimwearblack.Didthathavesomethingtodo

withhisdaysspentasapriest,drowninginhiscossack,orwasitjustareflectionofwho

hewas,devoidoflight?Ididn’twanttowonderabouthim.Itwasfoolishtoallowmy
mindtowanderontosuchtreacherousground,but…Icouldn’thelpit.Fixhaddone
somethingIcouldn’tunderstandormovepast.Butthenagain,he’dkepthisword,andhe
hadn’tharmedme.Quitetheopposite,really.He’dpreventedSixsmithfromdestroying
whatwassupposedtobethehappiestdayofmysister’slife.

SomeofthepeopleinthechapelhadnoticedFixwaitingoutside,too.Theymuttered

undertheirbreath,whisperingbehindtheirhandstooneanother,sendingscathingglances
inhisdirection.Whatdidtheyseewhentheylookedathim?Aguysmokingacigarette,
dressedinblack,wearingtornjeans.Itwasobvious;theysawsomeonewhowasn’tapart
oftheircrowd.Hewasn’tabanker,oralawyer,oradoctor.Hisfacewasn’tclean-shaven,
andhishairwasalittletoolongtosatisfytheirtastes.

Iwasn’tamemberoftheirlittlecliqueeither,though.I’dcomefromabasestock,

workingclassfamily,andsohadAmy.They’doverlookedourweakbreedingbecausewe
wereyoung,andwewereprettyenough,andwe’ddoneourbesttoliftourselvesoutfrom
underneaththepovertywewereborninto.Ithadneversatrightwithme,howBenhad
triedtochangeAmy.Hadthrownoutheroldwardrobeandtoldherhowprettyshewasin
theclotheshehadboughtforher.I’dneverhaveimaginedAmywearingastringofpearls
whenwefledMontmorenciandmovedtoSeattle.She’dlikedtolistentotheRamones
anddyeherhairblack.She’dlikedtowalkafinelinebetweenmadnessandsanity—after
escapingSixsmith,Ithinkwe’dbothfeltthatway—butthesedaysallshecaredaboutwas
improvinghercreditratingandmakingsureshegottobedbyeightthirty.

Thesepeopleweretoxic.

WhenIlookedatFixoutthroughthosewindows,Ididn’tknowwhatIsaw.Hewas

anenigma.WhenI’dhiddeninthatautoshopandseenwhathe’ddone,I’dbeenscared.
I’dwantedtorunfromhimandneverlookback.But…thingsweren’tsoclearanymore.I
wasnevergoingtobeabletosayIagreedwithwhathedidforaliving,butthephotos
he’dshownmeofthepoorgirlFranzhadtorturedandabused…

IstillsawthoseimageseverytimeIclosedmyeyes.Theyweregoingtobeseared

intomyretinasfortherestofmylife.And…andhowmanytimes,whenIwasyounger,
hadIwishedforsomeonelikeFixtocomealongandputanendtoSixsmithonceandfor
good?IfI’dhadthemoneybackthen,wouldn’tIhavehiredsomeonejustlikeFixto
protectme?

Fixflickedhiscigarette,andthebuttflewinanarcbeforehittingtheground,sending

upsparksfromthecherry.Ihadn’tnoticedthatAmyandBenhadalreadywalkeddown
theaisle,andwerealmostoutside.Everyonewasontheirfeet,backstome,shovingoutof
thepews,tryingtogetbyoneanotherintheireffortstohurryoutsidefirst.FatherRichards
clearedhisthroat,noddingoutofthewindow.“Felix’sfatherwasapriest,too,you
know?”hesaid.

“Really?Ididn’tthinkpriestswereallowedtogetmarriedandhavefamilies?”Which

Fix’sfatherobviouslymusthavedone.

FatherRichardssighed.“Well.Thingsarealittlelaxernow.Butbackthen,inthelate

seventies,whenFelix’sfatherdecidedtofollowhiscalling,hewasalreadymarriedto
Louisa,andFelixwas…hmm.Twoyearsold,Ibelieve?Ifyouwerealreadymarriedand
youwantedtobecomeapriest,exceptionswereoftenmade.Ifyouweresinglebeforeyou
wereordained,however,thenyoucouldexpecttobecelibatefortherestofyourlife.”

“Soundsmiserable.”

“Actually,I’dsayI’veenjoyedmybachelorstatus.It’sbeenrather…peaceful.”Father

Richardssmiledsadly,hiseyestakingonadistantstare.“Iheardaboutwhathappenedat
Felix’schurch,”hesaidquietly.“Itwasahorrificthing.Whensuchterribleatrocitiesare
committedinourcommunities,wefeelresponsible.Weareprotectorsandshepherds,and
whenoneofourflockishurt,wefeelthepaindeeply.

“Ididn’tthinkFelixwouldleaveusforever,though.Healwayswasawildchild,

but…Idon’tknow.MaybeI’mwrong.MaybeI’mbeingselfish.Thechurchisfullof
dusty,crabbyoldmen,soblindedyearsofroutineandregulationthattheycan’tfindtheir
ownjoyanymore.IsupposeIjusthopedFelixwouldcomebacktous,because….well,he
waswhatweneeded.Morerebelstoshakeourfoundations.”

FatherRichardsleftmestandingthere,staringoutofthewindow,wonderingwhatthe

hellhewastalkingabout.Fixstaredbackatme,handsinhispockets,hisfaceawashwith
pain,asifheknewwhatFatherRichardshadjustsaidtome,andhereallywasstill
crippledbysomeunknowngrief.Icouldn’tlookaway.Fixwasbrokenandundone.He
waslightandhewasdarkness.Anddespiteeverywarningbellinmymindthatsaid
otherwise,Icouldn’tshakethefeelingthat,whileIknewhewasdangerpersonified…he
might,justmight,alsobemysafety,too.

EIGHTEEN

SCANDAL

SERA

“Youlooklike…”Fixsteppedback,scanningmefromheadtotoe.Hegrimaced.“Idon’t
likethecolor.Idon’tlikethedress.Fuck.Idon’tlikeanyofit.OnlythingIlikeaboutitis
thefactthatit’ssosheer.”

“Why’sthatappealing?Youcan’tseethroughit.”Still,Icurvedmyshoulders,

roundingthemin,justincaseIwaswrongandmyboobswerecurrentlyonshowfor
everyonetosee.

“Ilikethefactthatit’ssothin,becauseIknowyou’renotwearinganyunderwear.

There’dbe…linesorsomething.I’dbeabletoseeyourpanties,andIdon’tseepanties.
Whichmeansyourpussy’scompletelynakedunderthatthingrightnowandit’smaking
mefuckinghard.”

Jesuswept.Atleasthewasconsistent.Hehadn’tletupsincewe’dmet,usingevery

opportunityhecouldtoslideinaninnuendoorasexualpunintoourconversations.But
this…thiswasalittlemoredirect.“Mypussy’snoneofyourbusiness,Fix.Don’ttalk
aboutit.Don’teventhinkaboutit.”

He’dfoundmeinbackinourhotelroom,whereI’dbrieflyreturnedtopluginmycell

phone.Fixwasaleaner.Guaranteed,anythinghecouldusetoprophimselfupwithwas
goingtobeleanedagainst.Rightnow,hewasleaningagainsttheTVcabinet,handsinhis
pockets,watchingmeasIrifledthroughmybag,lookingforacharger.

“Aren’tyougoingtoaskme?”hesaid.

“Askyouwhat?”

“Howitwentwithyourfather.”

Myhandsstilledinsidemypurse.I’dknownwhathewasreferringto,buteven

mentioningthatman’sexistencecausedpalpitationsinmychest.“Didheleave?”Iasked.

“Yes.”

“Didhehurtyou?”

Fixsnorted.“Please.”

“Didyouhurthim?”

“Uhhhh…”

“That’sallIneedtoknow.”Ipulledthecableoutofmybagandpluggeditintothe

wall.“Weshouldgodownstairs.Amywantsmeinthephotos.”

“I’llgetchanged.IhaveashirtIcanwear—”

“Don’t.Youdon’tneedtogetchanged.”

Asmall,entertainedsmile.“Youreallydon’twantmeinthesephotos,huh?”

“You’regoingtobegonefrommylifeinacoupleofdays,Fix.WhywouldIwant

youinmysister’sweddingphotos?They’regonnabehangingoverhergaudyass
fireplacefortherestoftime.That’snotthereasonwhyIdon’twantyoutochange,
though.Idon’twantyoutochange,becausethesepeopleareallassholes,andIdon’tgive
afuckwhatanyofthemthink.Amywon’tcarewhatyou’rewearing.It’sonlyBenandhis
stuckuprelatives,whocanfranklygofuckthemselves.Screwit.”I’dbeenboilingover
sincethechapel,gettingmadderandmadderaboutBen’sparentsinterfering,nearly
ruiningAmy’sdaybyinvitingSixsmithhere.Theyweresnooty,miserable,belittling
motherfuckers,andIwasn’tgoingtobowandscrapeinordertomakeagoodimpression
withthem.IlovedAmywithallmyheart,butIwouldn’tchangemyselfforher,orfor
anyoneelse.

Fixwasright.ThedressIwaswearingwasfuckinghideous;Ilookedlikeagoddamn

macaroon.Snatchingsomecleanclothes,Iheadedforthebathroom.

“Don’tlockyourselfawayinthereonmyaccount,”Fixcalledafterme.“IswearI

won’tpeek.”

“Yeah.Right.There’snowayinhellI’mgettingchangedinfrontofyou,”Iretorted.

“I’mnotwearinganyunderwear,afterall.”Ireallywasn’t.He’dbeenperfectlyrightinhis
assumption,andtheknowledgehewasturnedonbytheideaofmeinnothingbutthis
monstrosityofadresshadaffectedmemorethanIthoughtIwould.Islammedthe
bathroomdoor,tearingthedressovermyhead,andtriednottogaspinhorrorwhenI
realizedjusthowwetIwasbetweenmylegs.Goddamnit.Iwasn’treadytofindmyself
embroiledinanattractionwithanotherhumanbeing.Anormalhumanbeing,whohada
steadyjob,hobbies,wasgoodtohisfamilyandfriends.HowthefuckhadIfoundmyself
inthissituation,becomingmoreandmoreattractedaguywhowasnevergoingtospell
anythingbuttroubleforme?Fixmightnothavebeenapriestanymore,buthewasstillin
possessionoftheholytrinity:akillersmile;anassyoucouldbounceaquarteroff;anda
setofabssoperfectlydefinedthatgazinguponthemmadeyouwanttoweep.

Hewasn’tjustaman.Hewasn’tevenofthisplanet,asfarasIwasconcerned.Hewas

eitheranalien,crashlandedherefromsomedistantgalaxy,whereeveryonewas
unbelievablyattractive,orhereallywasanangel,who,havingfallenfromgraceand
tumbledfromheaven,wasnowlivingamongstusmeremortal,confusingusallwithhis
surreal,otherworldlyhyper-masculinebeauty,andgenerallycausingchaosanddisruption
whereverthefuckhewent.

IfIvaluedmysanity,Iwouldgetthroughthisnextfewdays,andI’dwalkawayfrom

him.Therewasnofutureforus.IhadtogobacktoworkinSeattle,andFixwas
constantlyontheroad,takingjobs,doingthingsthatmademyhairstandonend.I’d
realizedsomething,asFatherRichardshadbeentalkingtomejustnow.Iwasn’thorrified
bywhatI’dseeninthatautoshopanymore.Yeah,Icouldhavedonewithouttheimagery
insidemyhead,but…Franzhadn’tbeensick.Hehadn’tactedoutofsomementalhealth
issuethatdrovehimtobehaveindepraved,cruelways.Hewasjustafuckedup,evil
pieceofshitthathadlikedhurtingpeople.Thatwastheendofit.Franzwouldneverhave
stopped.Hewouldn’thavereformed,orsuddenlynotwantedtorapeandtortureyoung
girls.IwasnevergoingtoagreewithwhatFixhaddone,but…

Hewasright.

Iwasn’tafraidofhim.

Notanymore.

Ipulledonmyownrippedjeans,shovedmyfeetinsidemytanankleboots,slidthe

black,silkcamiovermyhead,andruffledmyhairout,riddingmyselfofallthepinsand
clipsthatthestylisthadshovedinthere.Lookinginthemirror,Ifeltmuchbetter.Iwas
meagain.Weirdly,IrealizedI’dactuallylearnedsomethingfromFix.Hewasfarfrom
perfect—likeagalaxyawayfromperfect—butheownedhimself.Heownedhisactions.
Hedidn’thidehimselfaway.I’dbeenhidingmyselfawayforsolongnow,tryingtobe
somethingIwasn’t,thatIbarelyevenrecognizedmyselfanymore.

HowlonghaditbeensinceIwashappy?HowlonghaditbeensinceI’dfelt

comfortableinmyownskin?

Iblinkedatthewomanstaringbackatmeinthebathroommirror,andfeltkindof

sorryforher.She’dbeenliedto.She’dbeenpromisedthatmakingalotofmoney,and
winninghighprofileclientswouldenrichherlife.She’dbeensoldanidea—theideaof
happiness—andthatideawasn’tsomethingthatcouldbebought,orfakeduntilitcameto
pass.

Happinesswasabyproductofembracingyourownflaws,yourinsecurities,andyour

desires.Iwasn’tsurehowtoaccomplishthat,butitseemed,againstalltheodds,thatFix
had.

******

Amydidn’tsayawordaboutmychangeofclothes.Shewasprobablysorelievedthat

I’dtakencareoftheSixsmithbusinessthatIcouldhavecometotheweddingreception
wearingahessiansackandshewouldn’thavegivenashit.Theothermembersofthe
weddingpartytradedsomepointedlooksandraisedeyebrows,though.Iwas
uncomfortableforallofthreeseconds,thinkingaboutrushingupstairsandgetting

changedbackintothedress,butthenIwatchedFixgrabaglassofchampagnefroma
passingwaitressanddownthebubblinggoldenliquid,andIshedmynerves.Itdidn’t
matterwhatanyoneelsethoughtofme.Itsureasfuckdidn’tmatterwhatanyoneelse
thoughtofFix.Isnaggedmyownglassofchampagne,downedit,andshotFixagrin.

“Ifwehavetodothis,wemightaswellgetfuckedup,right?”

Hedidn’tgivemehisusual,wolfishsmile,butIcouldseethewickeddelightlurking

behindsthosesilveryblueeyesofhis.“Iknewyouwerehotasfuck.Ididn’tknowyou
werefun,Sera.”

“Don’tgetcarriedaway.”Itookanotherglassfromashort,baldingwaiter,who

gruntedatmedisapprovinglywhenIthankedhim.“IjustusealcoholasacrutchwhenI’m
stressedornervous.”

“CanIgetaJackontherocksplease?Adouble?”Fixdidn’tevenlookatthewaiter.

Heremainedfocusedonme,thetipofhistonguerunningalonghistoprowofteeth—the
actionsofahungryman.Fuck,helookedlikehewasstarving,andIknewhewasn’t
interestedinthehorsd’oeuvresthatwerefloatingaroundontrays.Hewashungryforme.

“Whyareyoubotheringwiththis?”Imurmured.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Whyareyoubotheringwithanyofthis.YoubelievedmewhenIsaidI’dkeepmy

mouthshutaboutFranz.Youdid.Sowhybotherdrivingmeallthewayouthere?And
why…whybotherwiththeconstantflirting?You’reattractive,andyouknowit.Youcould
haveanywomanwhocatchesyoureye.Sowhykeeptryingtowearmedown?”

“Youdon’tthinkyou’reworthmyattention?”Amusclejumpedinhisjaw,andI

couldn’tstopstaringatit.I’dtriedtoavoidlookingathimfortoolongupuntilrecently.If
Idid,Ifoundmyselftransfixedonsomesmalldetailofhim—thethree,faintfreckles
underhisjaw;thelarge,worn-smoothcallousesonhispalms,atthebaseofeachofhis
fingers;thedark,shorthairthattwistedintoatinywhorlatthebaseofhisneck—andI
couldn’tlookaway.

“Thisisn’taboutwhatIthink.It’saboutwhatyou’rethinking,Fix.What’smotivating

youatthispoint?BecauseI’vetried,andIcan’tfigureyouout.Notevenalittle.”

Fixacceptedtheglassthatwasprofferedtohimbythewaiter,dranksomeofthe

burntamberliquidinthebottomofthehighball,tookasteptowardmeandloweredhis
head.“You’reright.IknowhowIlook.I’veusedmyappearancetotakewhateverI’ve
wanted,wheneverI’vewanted,foralongtimenow.Butyou’resellingyourselfshort,
Angel.You’refuckingbeautiful.Yourbodyissofuckingdistracting,Ican’tlookatyou
withoutforcingmyselfnottostareatyourtits.They’refuckingperfection.Yournipples
are…”Hiseyesrolledbackintohishead.“God,they’refuckingamazing.Ican’tstop
thinkingaboutlickingthem.Teasingthembetweenmyteeth.Yourassisagoddamngift
fromheaven.Doesn’tmatterwhatyou’rewearing.Jeans,askirt,sweats…whatever.I’m
constantlyimaginingthatI’mbehindyou,inbetweenyourlegs,holdingyoubythehips
whileIrailyoufrombehind.WatchingyourassbouncewhileIwasfuckingyoulikethat

wasoneofthemostamazing,erotic,sexiestthingsI’veeverfuckingseen.

“Youreyesarefulloffire,”hecontinued.“They’reclearandcommanding.Every

timeyouturnthosethingsinmydirection,itfeelslikeI’mbeingspearedtothefloor.
Normalpeoplelookatme.Theyseethesurfaceofme,theappealingoutershell.They
neverdelveanydeeper.Butyou…youreyesprobeandtheysearch.Itfeelsfuckingreal
whenyoulookatme.Afterthirtysevenyearsofbeingadmiredandcovetedbecauseof
thewaymygeneticspredeterminedwhatmyfeatureswouldlooklike,it’srefreshingtobe
fuckingseen,Sera.

“I’mnotstupid.Iknowyou.You’renotshallowenoughtobewonoverbyagood-

lookingguywithfreakyeyes.I’mdrawntoyou,becauseyou’rebrave.Yourcourageand
spiritburnthroughyou,evenwhenyou’rescared.Youdon’tbackdown.Youwere
terrifiedofseeingyourfathertoday,butyoudidn’trespondbyrunningandhiding.You
askedmeforagun,soyoucouldthreatenthatmotherfucker.That’snothownormal
peoplereact.YouwanttoknowwhyIkeephittingonyou,eventhoughIknowyou’retoo
smarttofallformyshit?It’sbecauseIthinkyou’recourageous,anduniqueinallthe
world.That’sworthmorethananythingtome.Ithinkyou’reremarkable,Sera.”

Mybodyhadturnedagainstme,andmypalmshadstartedtosweat.I’dexpectedhim

to…shit,Ididn’tknowwhatI’dexpectedhimtosay.Maybespinmesomeself-
deprecatinglineabouthowhewasn’tthatgoodlooking,orthathe’dneverdosomething
somorallycorruptasusehislookstohisownadvantage.Buthehadn’tdonethat.Not
evenclose.He’dtoldthetruth,andthenhe’dsaidanumberofthingsaboutmyanatomy
thatmademycheeksburnwithembarrassment.Couldhereallybesoenthralledbymy
sheerstubbornness,andmyrefusaltoletmyfearsovertakeme,though?CouldIreally
wrapmyheadaroundthat?

Fixtookanothersteptowardme,stoopinglowoverme,bendingsothathedidn’t

towerovermequitesobadly.“There’ssomethingelse…”hewhispered.“Onemore
reasonwhyI’msoaddictedtoyou,SeraLafferty.”

Hecouldhaveusedthoseeyesofhistohypnotizepeople.“What?”Isaid

breathlessly.

“Yourcunt,Sera.Yourcuntisfuckingmagnificent.”

Threefeetaway,anoldwomandroppedthesideplateshe’dbeenholdingtothefloor,

sendingahelpingofshrimpcocktailflyinginalldirections.Shegasped,handpressedto
herchestinhorror,hermouthhangingopensowidethatherjawwasalmostrestingonher
voluptuouschest.She’dheardwhatFixhadsaid.Ofcourseshehad,becausehehadn’t
loweredhisvoiceinanywaywhenhetoldmehowgreathethoughtmyvaginawas.He’d
raisedhisvoice,infact,tothepointwhereanyonewithinatenfeetradiusofusheardhis
wordswithperfectclarity.

Hewaspositivelybeamingwithgleeashecontinued.“Yourcuntistheprettiestthing

I’veeverseen.Ilovehowyoutastewhenyou’rewet.Iloveburyingmyfaceinbetween
yourlegsandfuckingdevouringyou.Ilovehowpinkandfuckingdeliciousyouare.I
can’twaittoslidemytongueinsideyoulater.I’mgoingtofuckyouwithmytongueuntil

Ibreakyou.You’regoingtobebeggingformycockbythetimeI’mdonewithyou.”

Everyonehadstoppedtalking.Everyone.SilencereignedsupremeasIstoodstock

still,stunned,tryingtocomprehendwhathadjusthappened.Washe…?Didhereally
just…?Oh…my…god.

“Ihaveneverheardanythingsodisgracefulinallmylife,”thewomanwho’ddropped

herplatemuttered.ShedidexactlyasFixhad,raisinghervoice,makingsureshecouldbe
heard.

Myimmediateresponsewastobowmyheadandhidemyshame.That’swhatIwould

havedoneamonthago.Fuck,itwaswhatIwouldhavedoneaweekago.ButwhenIsaw
thechallengeinFix’seyes,Iknewalltoowellthathewasplayinggameswithme.Issuing
mewithachallenge.DaringmetobeasbravehebelievedIwas.

Noonehadmoved.Everyonewasstillstaring.Stillhorrified.I’dhopedatleastone

personwouldhavestartedlaughing,brushingitoffasajoke,butitappearedIwasoutof
luck.Thejudgmentalbastardswereallsneeringdowntheirnosesatus,disapprovingand
disgusted.

Fuck‘em.

Itossedbacktheremainderofmychampagne,andthenIsettheglassdownonthe

tablenexttome.“Thankyou,Felix.That’sincrediblysweet.I’monelucky,luckygirl.
Thewayyoueatmypussymakesmelosemyfreakingmind.It’samiracleI’meven
capableofspeech.But,honestly,allIwanttodoistieyoutothebedandfuckyouwith
mytits.Iloveoilingthemupandslidingyourcockbetweenthemuntilyoucome.It’sso
fuckinghot.”

Awaitressenteredtheroom,carryingyetanothertrayfilledwithfood.Shestumbled

toahaltwhenshesawthestunnedlooksoneveryone’sfaces.Ireachedoutandpickedup
aminikabob,takingabiteoutofit.Ichewedacoupleoftimesandswallowed.“Youhave
noideahowinsaneitdrivesme,usingbothmyhandsonyourhugecock,Felix.Youget
sofuckinghard.AndwhenIdipdownandteasethetipwithmytongue…”

IheldoutthekabobtoFelix,flashinghimatriumphantsmile.I’dwon.I’daccepted

hischallenge,andI’dbeatenhim.“Wantsome?”Iasked.

Heslowlyshookhishead,adark,highsexualenergyvibratingfromhisbody.He

didn’tneedtospeak;IknewI’dpleasedhimbyplayingalongwithhisgame.“Nothank
you,Sera,”hesaidcalmly.“TheonlyfingerfoodIwanttoeattonightwillbesucked
cleanfromthese,”—hehelduphisrighthand,wigglinghisfingers—“afterI’vemadeyou
comewiththem.”

“Goodness!Whatonearthdoyoutwothinkyou’redoing?”Atallmanwithtiny,

roundspectaclesperchedontheendofhisnoseshovedthroughthecrowd,throwingdown
hisnapkinontothedrink’scart.Heremindedme,weirdly,ofLarryDavid.“Areyouboth
sickorsomething?ThisisaCatholicwedding,nota…a…debauchednightofsinatsome
sortofa…a…sexclub!”

Iburstoutlaughing.He’dputsuchaweirdinflectiononthewords‘sexclub.’His

facehadturnedpurple,andhischeekswereshakingwitheverywordhespatout.I’d
rememberedwhohewas—Ben’soldcollegeprofessor—andtheridiculousnessofthe
entiresituationsuddenlyseemedhystericaltome.Anumberofscandalizedhissestraveled
throughthereceptionparty,butIdidn’tbothertoseekouttheiroutragedexpressions.I
wastrapped,laughingsohardmystomachwashurting,andtherewasnothingIcoulddo
tostopmyself.Iwasnevergoingtostoplaughing.

Atleast,Ithoughtthatwasthecaseuntil…

“WHOTHEFUCKPISSEDINMYLAMBOGHINI?!”

Istoppedlaughing,swivelingmyheadtowardtheentranceofthereceptionballroom,

andthere,handsballedintofistsathisside,cardiganhalfslippingoffhisshoulders,hair
indisarrayandstickingupinfivedifferentdirections,stoodGarethDouvillier.Ihadn’t
lookedforhimduringtheceremony.Ihadn’teventhoughtabouthim.I’dbeendreading
seeinghimhereforweeksandweeks,andthen,ironically,I’dforgottenallabouthim.He
wasfuming,hiswholebodyvisiblyshaking,thetipsofhisearsbrightcrimson.Arianna
totteredovertohiminsix-inchheels,cooingandmurmuring,tryingtosoothehim,but
Garethpushedheraway,grindinghisteethtogether.“Iknowitwasyou,youfucking
prick.Marcosa!Wherethefuckareyou?!”

Marcosa?GarethwasaccusingFixofpissinginhiscar?GarethhadmetFix?Ihadno

ideawhenthathadtakenplace—Fixhadn’tbreathedawordaboutit—butclearlyhe’d
madealastingimpression.

“DidyoupissinGareth’scar?”Iwhispered,lookingatFixoutofthecornerofmy

eye.

“Yeah,”hewhisperedback.“Ikindadid.Maybeweshouldgetoutofhere.”

NINETEEN

TEASE

FIX

Myphonewasringing.Iwasrunning,though,soIdidn’thavetimetoanswerit.Iheld
ontoSera’shandaswetorethroughthegardenbehindthehotel,breathinghardbetween
boutsoflaughterandtryingtoscreamatoneanother.“You’refuckinginsane!”Sera
yelled.“Whydidyoudothat?Gareth’sricherthangod.He’sgoingtopresschargesifyou
don’tapologize.”

“I’mnotfuckingapologizingtothatprick.Hedeservedfarworse,believeme.”

“Why?Whatdidhedo?”

Ah,shit.I’ddecidedIwasn’tgoingtotellherwhatGarethhadsaidthismorning.I

wasgoingtokeepthewholethingtomyself.“Hewasn’tverynice.That’sall.”

“Fix.”Serastoppedrunningandpulledherhandoutofmine.“Whatdidhesay?”

“HesaidsomethingaboutnotcheatingonyouwithArianna.Andthatyouhadalotof

baggage.”

“Andwhatelse?Iknowhim.Hewouldn’thavestoppedthere.”

“Hesaidyourfatherinterferedwithyouwhenyouwereakid.”

“Wow.”Sera’sbrowsshotupinunison.“Don’tsugarcoatit,willyou?”

“HowelseamImeanttosaythat?”Ishrugged.“WouldyoupreferitifIhuggedyou?

Strokedyourhairanddancedaroundit,cooinginyourearuntilIfinallyspatitout?Sera,
I’msosorry…Hesaidyouandfather…Well…andIdon’twanttooffendyou,but…
Everything’sokay,Ipromise…Thisisasafespace,but…Garethsaidyourfathermight
have…”Itookoutmypackofsmokesandlitone.“Whichversion’sbetter?”Iasked,
grippingthecigarettebetweenmyteethasIslidthepackintomybackpocket.

Seraheldoutherhand.“Givemeoneofthose.”

“Why?Yousmokeallofasudden?”

“Justgivemeone,asshole.”

IgaveherthecigaretteI’dalreadylit.Therewassomethingsofuckingsexyabout

watchingherputherlipsaroundthefilter.Highlysexual.Seraexhaledacloudofsmoke,
scowlingatme.“Fairenough.You’reright.I’dfuckinghateitifyoutriedtobabyme.I

guessI’mjustnotusedtopeoplespittingitoutlikethat.”

Ididn’taskherthequestionthatwasburninginthebackofmymind:didherfather

actuallydoit?Ifshewantedtotellme,she’dtellmeinherowntime.Serahadn’treally
offeredupmuchaboutherselftomeatall,andIwasn’tonetowheedleinformationoutof
peopleunlesstheywerewillingtogiveit.Icouldblamehoursspentsittingina
confessionalboothforthat.“Shootfromthehip,remember,”Isaid,extendingmyfingers,
gesturingthatIwantedthesmokeback.Shereturnedit.

“Yeah.Ishouldneverbesurprisedbyanythingthatcomesoutofyourmouth,should

I?Nothing’sofflimits.Nothingissacred.”

“That’snottrue.Plentyofthingsaresacred.”

“Likemycunt?”Shearchedaneyebrow,andIcouldn’tstopmyself;Ilaughed,

blowingsmokedownmynose.

“Yes.Yourcuntisverysacredtome.Ifyou’donlyletmeworshipitsomemore,

you’dmakemeaveryhappyman.”

“Bullshit.Yousaidallofthatforshowbackthere.”

Igrabbedherhandandwalkedherthroughagapinafencethatlookedlikeitmarked

theperimeterofthehotelgardens.Thesunwasstillhangingabovethehorizon,abouthalf
anhourfromsetting,anditcastlongfingersofburninggoldenlightoverthetallgrasses
thatspreadoutlikeathickcarpetbeforeus.Ahugeliveoaktoourrightwastheonlytree
foraboutamile;inthedistance,theforestthatsurroundedthehotelthrustuptowardthe
sky—aloomofathousanddifferentgreens,rangingfromverdantandbrightspringjade,
torichflashesofdeep,Irishemerald.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dcaughtmyselfstoppingto
admirethebeautyofnatureinavery,verylongtime.ThekindofpeopleIdealtwithon
theregularmadetheworldseemlikeadark,corrupt,shittyplace.Ihadn’twantedto
believeinbeauty,hadn’twantedtoseeit,forthelongesttime,becauseitmadeallofthe
vile,awfulthingsthathappenedouttherebehindcloseddoors,downbadlylitsidestreets,
andunderrailwaypassesallthemoreugly.ButwithSerastandingnexttome,inthat
moment,Icouldn’tdenyhowbreathtakingtheviewwas.

“Ididn’tsayanythingforshow,”Itoldherquietly.“Itwasalltrue.NowI’mgoingto

takeyouovertothattree,Sera,andI’mgoingtomakeyouridemyfaceuntilyoucomein
mymouth.Anyobjections?”

“Jesus.”Sheflickedthecigarette,droppingittotheground,grindingthebuttbeneath

herheel.“You’renevergoingtostop,areyou?”

“No.Never.Youwereright.Ididbelieveyouwhenyousaidyou’dkeepmysecrets.I

knewitwasdoomed,thattherewasnochanceweweregoingtogoanywhere,butIwas
curiousaboutyou,SeraLafferty.Iwantedmoretimewithyou.Itwasfuckedupand
selfish,Iknowthat.ButI’mafuckedup,selfishguy.You’veprobablyalreadyfiguredthat
out.So,Iwon’tkeepyouhostageanymore.YoucanletmedriveyoubacktoSeattle,and
youcanletallofthissinkinalittle.OryoucantellmetogofuckmyselfandI’llleave
rightnow.Tonight.Youwon’teverseemeagain.It’salluptoyou,Sera.I’llabidebyyour

wishes.But…”Iturned,cuppingherchininmyhand,liftingherheadsothatshewas
lookingupatme.Hergazewasintense,strippingmebare.“Istillwantyoutoridemy
fuckingface,”Igrowled.“Ineedtomakeyoucomeonemoretime.Iknowyouwantme
justasmuchasIwantyou.It’seatingyoualiveinside.It’sconsumingyoupiecebypiece.
I’myouraddiction,justasmuchasyou’remine.I’mtoxicforyou.Iknowthat.IfIwerea
betterman,I’dletyougo.ButI’mnot.I’mfallen,lost,drivenbyrevengeandhatred.I’ll
dowhateverIcantokeepyouwithme,andthatincludesfuckingthesenserightoutof
youuntilyoucan’tthinkstraight.”

Iwaitedforhertoanswer.Ifshelookedawayfromme,Iwouldknow.Themoment

shesighed,orfoldedherarmsacrossherbody,ortookastepawayfromme,shewould
havealreadytoldmewhatshewanted.Butshedidn’tdoanyofthosethings.Hereyes
werebrightandconflicted.Ifshewereanyoneelse,I’dtakeher,liftherintomyarms,and
I’dcarryherovertothattreeandfucktheshitoutofher.Shewasn’tsomeoneelse,
though.Shewasthewomanwiththedefensivewoundsonherhands.Thejagged,deep
lineofpurplescartissuealongherjaw.Shewasthewarriorwomanwiththedentsinher
armor,herbattlesstillraging,paininhereyes,andIwouldn’tmakeassumptionswithher.
Iwouldwait.Iwouldkneelathergoddamnfeetuntilshetoldmeshewantedme,andI
wouldn’tmoveaninchuntilthen,regardlessofhowbadlyIwantedtoclaimher.

“Youjusttoldmeyou’dneverbabyme,”shesaidsoftly.“Icanseewhatyou’re

thinking.I’mnotbroken.I’mnotabirdwithaninjuredwing.Ihaveapast,andit’stricky,
anditoftenvisitsmeinmydreams,butI’mstillkickingass,Fix.So…ifyouwantme,try
andtakeme.I’llkickyourassifIdon’twantyourhandsonme.”

“It’dbemucheasierifyoujustsaidyes,”Irumbled.

Shecockedherheadtooneside,herfulllipsbowingintoabroadsmile.“Would

findingoutforyourselfnotbeworthapotentialkicktotheballs?”Shewassodamnsweet
whenshesaidit,butIcouldseeitinhereyes—she’dkneemeintheballsforsure,and
wouldn’tthinktwiceaboutit.

Myanswertoherquestionwastobringmymouthcrashingdownonhers.Icouldn’t

bearitanymore.Whateverhappened,Ineededtotasteher.Ineedtofeelhertitscrushed
upagainstmychest.Ineededhertongueinmymouth,andIneededhertomakethose
panting,desperatelittlewhimperingsoundswhenIslidemyhanddowninsideherjeans
andIrubbedmyfingersoverherclitintightlittlecircles.

Gatheringherloose,wavyhairinmyhands,Idugmyfingersintothethicknessofit,

groaning.Serafrozeforamoment.Timestretchedout,drivingmetomadnessasIwaited
toseewhatshewoulddo.Themomentshetriedtoshovemeaway,Iwouldremove
myselffromher.I’dbindmyownhandsbehindmybackwithsheerforceofwillalone,
andIwouldn’ttouchheranymore.Iwasready,willingandpreparedtodothat.Dipping
mytongueintohermouth,Sera’slipspartedalittlewider,andthen…

Fuck…

Andthenshewaswindingherarmsaroundme,herhandsslidingupmyback,

fingernailsdiggingintomyshoulderbladesthroughmyt-shirt.Shekissedmeback,her

mouthpressingagainstmine,thesweettasteofherfillingmysenses,andafireerupted
insideme,ragingthroughmyveins.I’ddonesomestupid,messedupthingsasateenager.
I’ddoneequallystupid,recklessthingsafterI’dthrowndownmycollarandwalkedright
outofSt.Luke’s,butnothinginmylifehadevergottenmeashighasSeraLafferty.She
wasthelightthatflowedinmyveins.Shewastheoxygeninmylungs.Shewasthefuel
thatfiredmyheart.

I’donlybeeninherpresenceforforty-eighthours,butI’dknown,theveryfirsttime

I’dseenher…

Fuck.

Itwastooearlytotellherhowaliveshemademefeel,soInursedthewordsImight

havesaidtoherinmychest,harboringthemthere,keepingthemsafe.Therewouldcome
atimewhenIcouldpartwiththem,butfornowIwasgoingtotakeheroutofherself.I’d
useeverypartofmetomakehercomealive,andwhenshewasdonescreamingmy
fuckingname,I’dthrustmycockintoherandmakeherdoitalloveragain.Iwasn’tgoing
toholdbacknow.Iwasn’tgoingtohandleherwithkidgloves.

Itwasharderthanitshouldhavebeentoripmymouthfromhersandhurryherover

totheoak.Thetree’strunkwasbroadandthick,toowideforthreepeopletolinkhands
wraptheirarmsaroundinacircle.IguidedSerasothatherbackwasupagainstthetree,
andthenIsliddownherbody.Shedidn’tmoveasIunfastenedherjeansandtorethem
downherlegs.

“God,Fix!Someone’sgoingtoseeus!”

Ilookedupherbody,adeep,animalneedsearingatmefromtheinside.“Doyou

reallycare?”Iasked.“Ifthosestuffybastardscatchsightofus,it’llprobablybethemost
excitingthingthat’shappenedtoanyofthemindecades.”

“Amy’sgoingtokillme,”shegroaned,allowingherheadtorollbacktorestagainst

thetree,too.Ituggedherbootsoffherfeetandthrewthemovermyshouldersintothe
grass,oneatatime,thenremovedherjeansentirely.Herpantieswereblacksilk,classy
yetsexy.Ateitherside,byherhips,Ihookedmyfingersbeneaththesheer,sleekmaterial,
andIslowlyshimmiedthemdownherlong,toned,beautifullegs.

“Fuck.Sera…ifI’dmetyoufiveyearsago…shit.”

“Youwere…stillapriestthen,”shepanted.

“Iwas.AndIwouldhavebrokeneveryvowI’dmadeforyou.Iwouldhavecast

everybeliefIhadaside.IwouldhaveabandonedmycallingandrunwithyouasfarasI
fuckingcould,andIneverwouldhavelookedback.Notonce.You’retheultimategame
changer.”

Serapartedherlegs.Shewasn’tashylittlekittenanymore.She’dgrownbrave;she

wasalionessnow,givingdemands,andIfuckinglovedit.Herpussywassmoothbara
thinstripofhair.Ilovedthat,too.Ashavedpussywasoneofmybiggestturn-ons,butnot
completelyhair-free.Thatfeltwrong,likeIwassleepingwithaprepubescentkid,andI
wasgoingtogetsprungforstatutoryrape.Serawasallwoman,though.Shewasn’t

perfect.Herskinborescars.Lotsofthem.Someweredeep,andsomeshallow—mere
hintsatahistorythatintriguedandsaddenedme.Inherflawedstate,shewasperfection,
though.Ididn’twantabubblegumprincesswhospenttwohourseverydaycurlingher
hairandwasafraidofgettingsomefuckingdirtunderhernails.Iwantedawomanwho
wasn’tafraidtofightforwhatshewanted.Iwantedaroughandtumblewomanwho
wouldn’tfreezeifshefeltthreatened.Iwantedstrength,andIwantedfire,andIwanted
passion,andSerapossessedallthreeinspades.

Dippingmyhead,Istrokedmytongueoverherbarepussy,andSerashuddered.Her

breathingwasquickeningbythesecond.Shewassweet,andslick,andthemomentI
tastedher,Iwantedtounbuttonmyownflyandstartpalmingmycock,butmypants
remainedbuttonedup.Didn’tstopmydickfromstrainingagainstthedenim,demandinga
wayout.Itwantedtobesqueezedandsucked.ItwantedtobepusheddownSera’sthroat,
andholdingbackwasgoingtocostme.Holyfuck,downboy.Ibitbackafrustratedgroan,
workingmymagiconSera’sclit,relishinghowfuckingwetshewas,andhowshe
shudderedeverytimeIflickedherwiththeendofmytongue.

Herbreathingwasfastanduneven.Musictomyfuckingears.MeantIwasdoingmy

jobright,andshewasstartingtoloosenup.Herhipsrockedforward,legspartingeven
wider,givingmegreateraccesstoher,andIlostmyshit.

Wrappingmyarmsaroundher,Igrabbedherassfrombehindandpulledhertome.

Herpussywasmine.Everyinchofherwasmine.Iwantedtoinhaleandconsumeevery
partofher,untilshehadnocomprehensionofwhatwasrealandwhatwasn’tanymore.

Serapanted,windingherfingersintomyhair.

Yes.

Fuckingyes.

So.Fucking.Hot.

Whenshestartedpullingandtuggingonmyhair,Inearlysweptheroffherfeetand

slammedherintothegrassthereandthen,soIcouldthrustmyselfinsideher.

Innocentgirlswereallwellandgood.Sometimes,dominatingawomaninbedfelt

great,andwastheonlywayIcouldfuckingcome,butnotwithSera.Ididn’twantto
dominateher.Iwantedtobeherequal.Iwantedhertoletmeknowwhatshewanted.
Whenshetightenedhergriponmyhair,rockingherhipsagainstmymouth,Itookthe
hint:shewantedmore.

SoIfuckinggavehermore.

Igavehermytongueinsideherpussy.Ilickedandlavedatherexpertly,andIdidn’t

stopwhenshebegantoshiverwiththebeginningsofanorgasm.Igavehermyfingers,
pumpingtheminsideher,teasingherg-spotasIsuckedgentlyatherclit,andwhenher
kneesbuckledoutfromunderneathherandshecouldn’tstanduprightanymore,Igaveher
threesecondstorecoverherselfbeforeIlaidherdownandstartedalloveragain.

“Jesus,Fix!Ohmygod!’Hereyelidsflutteredlikecrazyassherockedherselfagainst

myface.“You’re…you’regoingtomakemecome,”shegasped.

WasIreadyforhertocome?Nope.Nofuckingway.Justasshewasabouttotumble

overtheedge,herfingersclawingatmyback,scratchingthematerialofmyt-shirt,I
stopped.

“Ohmygod,”Serahissed.Herbackwasarched,headtitledback,hertitsstraining

againsttheACDCshirtshewaswearing—easilythemostarousingthingI’deverseen.I
prowledupthelengthofherbodyslowly,enjoyingtheviewasshewrithedandtwisted
beneathme.Mydickwasthrobbinginmypants,almostpainfulnow.Iwassofucking
hard.Serawasn’tgoingtoknowwhatthefuckhadhitherwhenIfinallyunleashedmyself
onher.

“Openyoureyes,”Icommanded.Usingmyrighthand,Iheldherlightlyatthebase

ofherthroat—Iwasn’tgoingtocutoffherairsupply.Thatwouldbefuckingstupid,
consideringshewasalikelyvictimofabuse,soIjustheldmyhandthere,waitingforher
torespond.Sheobeyedmycommand,hereyelidsflickeringopentorevealthose,warm,
deepeyesthatI’dbecomesobesottedwith.

“Tease,”shewhispered.Herlipswereplumpandswollen,adarker,moresensualred

thannormal.ItookherbottomlipbetweenmyteethandItugged,pullingatit,just
enoughthatthepressurewouldstingalittle.

“Ihaven’tevenshownyouthemeaningoftheword.Iwill,though,Sera.Youdon’t

needtoworryaboutthat.I’mgoingtodriveyoutoinsanity.First,Ineedyounaked.I
needyourskinonmyskin,andIneeditfuckingnow.”Igrabbedthehemofhershirt,
pullingitupoverherhead.Herbra—pretty,lacey,alsoblack—wentnext.

Themomentherbaretitswereexposed,bouncingasItoreawayherclothes,all

commonsensevanished.Myearsstartedbuzzing,high-pitchedliketinnitus.“Jesus…
fucking…wept,Sera.”

Evenlyingonherback,herbreastswereperkyandfull,herskinpaleandcreamy,like

fineporcelain.Myhandsliterallyhurt—theprospectofnottouchingthemwasso
traumaticthatmyskinbuzzedwithanticipation.Cuppingherinbothhands,Ihadto
breathedeeplyforasecond.Control.Ineededcontrol.Fuck,noamountofwillpowerin
theworldwasgoingtoholdmebacknow.

“I’mgonnagetnakednow,Sera,”Igrittedoutthroughmyteeth.“I’mgonnadoall

thethingsI’vebeenfantasizingaboutdoingtoyou,andIsweartoeverythingholythat
you’regonnafuckinglikeit.You’regonnacomeallovermycock.You’regonnashake
andmoan,andyourhead’sgonnafuckingspin,andI’mgoingtofuckingadoreit.Are
youready?”

Shetrembled,likeherwholeworldwasalreadyshaking,beingturnedupsidedown,

buthereyeswereclearwhenshemetmygazeandsaid,“Yes,Fix.I’mreadyforyou.”

******

SERA

I’dneverbeensowetinmyentirelife.EverywhereFixtouchedme,hisfingersand

hismouthleftatrailoffireintheirwake.I’dgivenupremindingmyselfhowstupidthis
was,andI’dsuccumbedtoinevitability.That’swhatthishadbeen,fromthebeginning:
inevitable.ThedrawbetweenFixandIwaswildandconfusing.Iwasnevergoingto
understandwhyIcouldn’tseemtoshakemyselfofthisneedforhim,so…whatwasthe
pointineventrying?I’dknownforawhileIwasgoingtoendupbackherewithhim,
entwinedwithhim,losingmyselfinhimagain,anditfeltdivine.I’dsurrenderedmyself
tohim,andthereliefIexperiencedwhenitwasI’ddoneitwasmonumental.

“Yes,Fix.I’mreadyforyou.”Ibreathedthewordsout,andIrealizedthatIdidn’tjust

meanrightnow,here,nakedinthisfield.ImeantthatIwasreadyforhim.Allofhim.His
wickedtongue.Hisquicksilvereyes.Hisdarkpast.HewasPandora’sbox,andIknew
openinghimwasabadidea.Iwantedtoknowhissecrets,though.Iwantedtolearn
everythingabouthim.Iwaswillingtoaccepttheriskthatgettingtoknowhimproperly
wouldinexorablypose.

WhatkindofpersontookstockofapersonlikeFixanddecidedtheywantedthemin

theirlives?WhowasIbecoming?Ididn’tknowanymore,andthatscaredtheshitoutof
me.AllIknewwasthatFixstirredsuchpowerful,demandingdesireswithinme,andI
washelplesstofightthem.Wewereacatastrophewaitingtohappen,andIwaswalking
intoitwithmyeyesopen.Tohellwiththeconsequences.

Fixhadbeenhoveringoverme,pickingmeapartwithforensicintensity.Themuscles

inhisshouldersandhisarmsstrainedasherockedhimselfbackward,sittingonhisheels
first,andthenrisingtohisfeet.“Lookatme,”hecommanded.“Lookatmybody.Look
howmuchIfuckingwantyou,Sera.”Hist-shirtcameofffirst,swiftlyfollowedbyhis
shoes,socksandjeans.Hedidn’thavetoremovehisboxers,becausehewasn’twearing
any.Hiscocksprangfree,andIdidasIwastold—IwitnessedjusthowbadlyFixwanted
tobeinsideme.Hewasrocksolidandswollen.Fuckingmagnificent.Shit.

Shit,shit,shit!

Ireallymusthavedrunkalottheothernightinthemotel;thetequilasloshingaround

mysystemmusthavedulledmyreactionwhenI’dseenFix’scockforthefirsttime,but
nowIwasclear-headed,andmyimmediateresponsewastoclosemylegs.Hewas
fuckinghuge.Notjustinlength,butingirth,too.Penisesweren’tattractivetomeinan
aestheticway,butFixwaskindofastonishing.Ifheputthatthinginsideme…

Ifhewasroughwithme,hewasgoingtosplitmeintwo.

“Don’tlooksofrightened,”Fixmurmured.Hetookhisdickinhishand,squeezing

theend,buthedidn’tmovehisfistupanddownhislength.“IknowwhatI’mdoing.I
madeyoufeelfuckingamazinglasttime,didn’tI?”

Swallowing,Inodded.“Yeah.But…fuck,Fix…”

Aruinous,wretchedsmiletransformedhisface.God,hewassosexywhenhewasso

obviouslythinkingsordidthoughts.“Fuckisright,”hesaid.“Don’tmove.Don’tbreathe.
Justgetonyourkneesandopenyourgoddamnmouth.”

Mypussytightened,anunbelievablewaveofpleasure,feather-light,skatingitsway

upmyspine.Ididn’tevenknowmybodycouldreactlikethattomerewords.Itseemed
Fix’sdirtymouthhadawayofcoaxingthedarknessoutinme.Igotupontomyknees,
myheartskippingallovertheplacelikeaneedlejumpingoverabrokenrecord.Hiscock
wasgoinginmymouth.He’ddrivenmetotheedgeofdistractionwithhistongue,and
nowitwasmyturntoreturnthefavor.Morethananything,Iwantedtomakehimfeel
good.Iwantedtomakehimquakeandshiver,andtobringhimtohisfuckingknees.

I’ddoit.I’dmakehimfuckingsweat.

IopenedmymouthandFixgatheredmyhair,sweepingitbackoveroneshoulder.He

cuppedmyfaceinhishand,strokingthepadofhisthumboverthelineofmycheekbone.
“You’refuckingmine,”hegroaned.“Youdon’tneedtoworryanymore.You’resafe.I
won’tletanymorehurtyou.I’llfuckingflaytheskinoffanyonewhotriestolayafinger
onyou.”

Itmadenosense,buthiswordsmademefeelsecure.Protected.Relieved.Fuck,how

longhadIfeltlikeIwasstillrunningfromsomething?I’dleftSixsmithinmyrear-view
nearlyadecadeago,buttherehadalwaysbeenanominousdarkcloudhangingoverme.
Fixblewthatcloudrightoutofthesky.

Hesqueezedhisdick,hishandslippingaroundtothebaseofmyneck,guidingmy

headforward.Iclosedmymoutharoundtheendofhiscock,blowingadeepbreathdown
mynose,andthenslidhiminside…

“Holyfuckingshit!”

Lookingup,IsawFix’sheadfallback,everysinglemuscleinhischest,hisstomach,

hisarmsandhisneckstraining.Hewasindescribable.Ijust…Icouldn’tevenfindthe
wordstodohimjustice.Hisbodywaspackedmuscle,notascrapoffatonhim.Icouldn’t
takemyeyesoffhim.

Iteasedmytonguearoundtheheadofhiscock,sucking,slidinghimfurtherand

furtherintomymouth,andFixletoutadeep,agonized,rumble.“Sera…Sera,shit!Your
mouth…Fuck!”

I’ddonemyfairshareofwrithingandcursingunderFix’sministrations,sotohear

himdothesamewasrewarding.Hereacheddown,palmingoneofmybreasts,rollingmy
nipple,pinchingithardenoughtomakemewhimper,andmyreactionseemedtosendhim
barrelingtowardthegatesofmadness.

“Fuck!Openyourmouth,Sera.Takeallofit.Takemedeep.Iwanttofeelthebackof

yourthroatwhileIfuckyourmouth.”

Icouldbarelybreatheasheslidhimselffurtherpastmylips.Hishandswereinmy

hair,tugging,nothardenoughtocausepain,buthardenoughtoletmeknowhewasin
chargerightnow.Iclosedmyeyes,wrappingmyhandaroundhisshaft,applyingpressure
tothebaseofhiscock,too,andFixroared.Thesoundechoedacrossthefield,startling
birdsfromtheirtreesinthedistantforest.

“Getonyourback,”Fixordered.“Openyourlegsforme.Showmeyourpussy.Show

meyourass.Iwanttoseeitall.”Hewithdrewhiscockfrommymouth,andwhenI
lookedup,Isawthemoltenmercuryofhiseyeshadhardenedtosharp-edgedsteel.He
wasalreadyimaginingwhatitwasgoingtofeelliketofuckme.Therewasnodoubting
him,orhowbadlyheneededme,butwhenIsankbackintothegrass,spreadingmylegs
forhimjustashe’dtoldmeto,hedidn’tfallontopofmeandtakemerightaway.Hesat
back,handsbyhissides,chestheaving,hiscockstillwetandglisteningfrommymouth,
staringdownatmewithalevelofappreciationthatmademewanttorunandhide.

“You’renotreal,”hewhispered.“Youcan’tbe.”

“I’masrealasyou,”Iansweredbreathlessly.

Fixswallowed.Carefully,hereachedout,strokinghisfingersovermypussy,sliding

hisindexandhismiddlefingerinsideme.“Ifthat’sthecase,thenfine.Neitheroneofusis
real.Let’sbefuckingmake-believetogether.”

Hepumpedhisfingersinsideme,slowlyatfirst,ashepositionedhimselfoverme,

supportinghimselfonjustonehand.Hismouthwasonmine,hisdarkhairfallingintomy
faceashekissedme,claimingmewithhistongue,probingandexploring.Hequickened
hispace,then,workinghisfingersfaster,gruntingasIbuckedandarchedagainsthim.

“Yougonnacomeallovermyfingers,Sera?”hegrowledintomyears.

“Ahh!Shit!Yes!Yes,I’mgoingtocome!”

Myvisionturnedwhite.Completelyandutterlywhite,whichwasstrangesinceIhad

myeyesclosed.Themusclesinmycalvescrampedlikecrazyasmyclimaxtorethrough
melikeanunstoppablefreighttrain.

“Yeah.Yeah,that’sit.”Fixheldontome,kissingmyneck,mycollarbone,my

shoulder…HekissedmeeverywhereasIcame,stillthrustinghisfingersinsideme,until
eventuallyIfellslackontheground.

IwasbonelessandlimpasFixsatup,runningafingerdownmybody,betweenmy

breasts,betweenmylegs,makingmyskinbreakoutintothegoosebumps.

“Imeantit,Angel,”hesaidslowly,hisvoicethickwithlust.“TheonlyfingerfoodI

wantedtoday…”Oh,god.I’dofferedhimabiteofthatstupidkabobbackintheballroom,
andhe’dmadeacommentaboutlickinghisfingerscleanafterI’dcomealloverthem.I
couldn’tfindmyvoicequickenoughtoobjectasFixslidhisfingersintohismouth,
suckingonthem.

Oh…my…god…

Hewassofuckinghot,Ijustcouldn’thandleitanymore.“Please…Fix,please.I

needyoutofuckme.Iwanttofeelyouinsideme.Iwantyourcock.”I’dneverpleaded

withanyonebefore.Isureasshithadn’tbeggedanyonefortheirdick,butFixhadaweird,
profound,irrefutableeffectonme;Ididitwithoutthinking.

Amerciless,knowinglaughteasedatmyear;Fixshovedmylegsapartagain,sinking

betweenthem.“Holdontome,then,”hewhispered.“Don’tletgo.I’mabouttogiveyou
whatyouneed.”

Andhedid.Igaspedashedrovehimselfintome,diggingmyfingersintohisback.I

couldn’tcryout.Icouldn’tevenbreathe.Forasecond,allIcoulddowaslieabsolutely
stillasFelixMarcosathrusthiscockinsideme.Iwassofull.Hisbody,somuchbigger
thanmine,envelopedme,andIwaslost.Withhisarmsaroundme,hismouthpressing
downonmine,mybreathmixingwithhis,hotandinsistent,Iceasedtoexist.Ibroke
apart,downtowhatfeltlikeamolecularlevel,readytodriftawayontheslightbreezethat
caressedournakedbodies.

ThiswassodifferenttothemotelroombackinLibertyFields.Itwassomuchmore.

Therewasstillsomuchforustolearnfromoneanother,butthisfelthonest.Raw.Perfect.
IclungtoFixashefuckedme,andImeltedintohim.Hiscockgrewharderandharder
everytimeherockedhiships,drivinghimselfdeepinsideme,andsoonIwasdrowningin
him,mysensesoverloaded,myheartracingawayfromme,myheadspinningonitsaxis.

“Fix,I’m…I’mgoingtocome.Oh,god…”

“Doit,”hesnarled.“Iwanttofeelitcoursingthroughyourbody.Iwanttofeelyour

pussytightenaroundmycockwhenittakesyou.Comeforme,Sera.Comerightnow.”

Ididn’tneedasecondinvitation.Theorgasmwasanexplosion;itwentoffinsidemy

headandbetweenmylegsatthesametime.IclawedatFix’sshoulders,desperatetoget
closertohimasanincomprehensiblesurgeofpureecstasysweptthrougheverycellinmy
body.“Fuck!Oh,fuck!”

Fixburiedhisfaceintothecrookofmyneck,groaningdeeply,fightingwithhis

breathasheslammedhimselfintome,overandoveragain.Hecamejustashardasme.

Andwhenhecame,thesoundofhissavagecryechoedsoloudlythateventhestars,

tinypinpricksofflickeringlight,justbeginningtoappearinthedarkeningskyoverhead,
seemedtotrembleandshake.

TWENTY

CRIMINALMISCHIEFINTHETHIRDDEGREE

SERA

Itwasinexplicable,really.I’dbeendreadingthisweddingformonths,andyet,througha
seriesofweird,fuckedup,verydisturbingevents,I’dendedupactuallyenjoyingsomeof
it.

Garethwasstillprowlingaroundthelobby,searchingforFix,whenwesnuckback

intothehotel.Weslippedinthroughanopensidedoor,hopingtoavoidthereception,
whichwasstillinfullswing,ifyoucouldcalldullconversationoverquietclassicalmusic
fullswing.Garethspiedus,bee-liningstraightforus,hisindexfingeralreadyextendedin
averyaccusatorymanner,mouthpulleddownatthecornersinafuriousgrimace.

Wefast-walkedinthedirectionofthestairs,butheinterceptedus,cuttingusoffatthe

pass.“Doyouhaveanyideawhatkindofpenaltywillfuldestructionofpropertycarriesin
thisstate,asshole?”hesnappedatFix.

Fixgrinnedathim.“Nope.Don’tcare.”

“It’sclassifiedascriminalmischiefinthethirddegree,youfucker.”

“Soundsscary.”

“You’regoingtojailforsixmonthsatleast!”Garethspatthewords,agiantvein

throbbinginhisneck,hisfaceafrighteningshadeofcrimson,andIcouldn’tleashthe
surgeoflaughterthatburstoutofmymouth.

“DoyouhaveanyproofthatFixpissedinyourcar,Gareth?”

“Idon’tneedproof.Thebastardhasn’tdeniedit!”

IturnedtoFix.“Felix,didyouurinateinthisfinegentleman’svehicle?”

“Me?Lord,no.I’dneverdosuchathing.”

Somehow,bothofushadadoptedBritishaccents,whichmadeabsolutelynosense,

andonlymadeithardertokeepastraightface.

“Youthinkthisisfunny?You’regoingtoregretfuckingwithme,Marcosa.Ipromise

youthat.Andyou!”Garethstabbedhisindexfingerintomyshoulder.“You’refucking
insane.Ishouldn’tbesurprisedthatyou’dbringaguylikethistoAmy’swedding.You’re
damagedgoods.IdodgedafuckingbulletwhenI—”Hewasmovingtojabmewithhis

fingeragain,butFixmovedlikelightning,snatchingholdofhisindex,steppingbetween
us.

“ShouldIlethimapologize?”Fixgroundout.Hisvoicewaslayeredwithanger,so

deepitmademyheartstutter.

“Garethneverwasverygoodatapologies,”Isaidsoftly.Itwasthetruth.Evenafter

I’dwalkedinonhimandfuckingthatblondinhisoffice,hehadn’toncesaidhewas
sorry.He’dblamedmefornotholdinghisattention.He’dsaiditwasmyfaultfornot
makinganefforttobemoreinteresting.

“Gotit.”Fix’shandsnappedbackinaflash,andsomethingelsesnappedrightalong

withit…

Gareth’sfinger.

Hishowltorethroughthehotellobby,yetnoonecamerunningtofindoutwhatwas

wrong.NotevenArianna.“Youevertouchheragain,Iwon’tjustbreakyourremaining
fingers.I’llbreakyourfuckingdickintwo,andI’llfeedittothedogs.Nowdisappear.
Rightfuckingnow.”

Gareth’sangershoneoutofhiseyesliketwinbeamsofpurehatred.“You’regonna

—”

Fixtookanotherstepforward,andGarethshutthehellup.Heheldhishandtohis

chest,clutchingatit,backingaway.Heturnedandstormedbackintothewedding
reception,holleringforAriannaatthetopofhislungs,andIwatchedhimgowithoutthe
slightestflickerofremorse.Fixwouldn’thavedoneathingifI’daskedhimtostand
down,butthehumiliationandtheembarrassmentGarethhadputmethroughlastyear,not
tomentiontheheartache…

I’dthoughtIlovedhim.I’dthoughtheandIweregoingtobetogetherforever.I

shiveredoutofthatthought,thankingmyluckystars.WhateverGarethsaid,itwasme
who’dactuallydodgedthebullet.“We’dbettergetthehelloutofhere,”Isaid.“Amy’s
probablydrunkbynow.Idon’twanthertotryandmurdermethenexttimeIseeher,
though.”

“Ihaven’tevenmetheryet,”Fixmused.

“Youcancometohersecondweddinginacoupleofyears,”Itoldhim.“Thisone’s

boundtofail.”Iattemptedtoheadupthestairs,butFixtookholdofmebythewrist.He
pressedsomethingintomyhand:acrumpledyellowvaletticket.

“Whydon’tyougivethistothebellmanandhavehimgetthetruck?Icangrabour

bagsandbedownhereinacoupleofminutes.”

“Sure.”I’dalreadytidiedmystuffawayintomyrollingsuitcasethismorning,so

therewasnothinglayingoutthathe’dhavetotidyawayforme.Fixtookthestairsthreeat
atime,disappearingaroundthesweepingstaircase.Momentslater,Iwassittinginthe
passengerseatofFix’struck,battlingwithmyconscience.Icouldn’tjustleavewithout
sayinganythingtoAmy.She’dbehurt.Worse,she’dbeangry,whichwasunderstandable

giventhatFixandIhaddistressedanumberofherweddingguestswithourprofane
conversation,Fixhadpotentiallyruinedsomeleathercarinterior,we’dvanishedtofuckin
afield,andthenFixhadbrokensomeone’sfinger.

WhenIthoughtaboutit,Amywasgoingtobefuriousnomatterwhat.ButifIdidn’t

evenleaveheranoteorsomethingbeforebailing?God,she’dskinmealive.Ineededa
penandpaper.Icouldgobackintothelobby,butthenIriskedseeingGarethagain,and
thatwasn’tsomethingIcoulddealwith.FixprobablyhadsomethingIcouldwriteon.
Therewasboundtobesomepaperinheresomewhere.Itriedtheglovebox,expectingit
tobelocked,butthedrawerdroppeddown,andIwasrewardedwithamultitudeofpapers
andreceiptsstuffedinside.Perfect.Bettertouseanemptyenvelope.Thosethingsalways
endedupfloatingaroundpeople’scarsforagesbeforetheygotthrownout.Grabbingthe
firstenvelopeIlaidmyhandon,Iwentaboutsearchingforapen,butcouldn’t—

Wait.

Icockedmyhead,lookingdownatthebrownenvelopethatwasnowrestinginmy

lap.Ithadbeenfoldedintwotofitinsidetheglovebox,butithadopenedoutonceI’d
removedit.There,onthefrontoftheenvelope,writteninthick,blacksharpie,wasa
name.

Myname.

SeraLafferty.

Whywasmynamewrittenontheenvelope?What…whatpossiblereasoncouldFix

haveforkeepinganenvelopewithmynameonitinhisglovebox?Athousandfrantic
thoughtscollidedinmyheadatonce.

Oh…

Oh,shit.

Thesewerethecontingencyplanshe’dmadeafterI’dwatchedhimkillFranz?Itwas

theonlythingthatmadesense.He’dcreatedadossieronmeincasehethoughtI’d
changedmymindandIwasgoingtogotothepolice.Mybloodwaslikeice,pumping
slowlythroughmyheart,graduallyfreezingmebitbybit.Withshaking,unsteadyhands,I
untuckedtheenvelope’sflapandItookoutthepapersinside.

Mybrainceasedtofunction.

WhatwasIlookingat?Itmadenosense.Theseweren’tcontingencyplansatall.At

leastnotcontingencyplansmadebecauseofwhatI’dseengodowninthatautoshop.
Therewerephotosofme,atleasteightofthem,noneofthemreallyrecent.Candidstills
ofmegettingintomycar,leavingtheoffice.Me,outrunningthroughtheparkthree
blocksfrommyapartment.Me,outtolunchwithmySadie.Moreandmoreofthem,all
takenwithoutmyknowledge.Whatdidthismean?WhythehellwouldFixhaveshotsof
melikethislyingaroundinhiscar?MypaniclevelswererosedramaticallyasIputthe
photosasideandpickedupasheafofpaper.Onit,acompletebreakdownofmydaily
routinebackinSeattle.ThefollowingsheetwasacopyofthedetaileditineraryI’dcreated
formyroadtriptothewedding—theoneI’demailedtoAmy,lettingherknowexactly

howlongI’dbeontheroad,whereI’dbestopping,andforhowlong.

Theverylastsheetofpaperwasaphotocopyofayelloweddocumentmarkedwitha

coffeering.Mybirthcertificate,bearingmyfullname:SeraphimAliciaRoseLafferty.A
shockwavedetonatedinmyheadasIscannedthedocument;eversinceI’drunintoFix,
he’dusedapetnamewithme.He’dcalledmeAngel,overandoveragain,andithad
seemedlikeacoincidence.Suchaweird,flukeofathing.Mymotherhadn’tbeen
religious,butshe’dlikedtheideaofguardianangels,watchingoverus,keepingusall
safe.She’dcalledmeSeraphimbecauseshe’dthoughtitsoundedpretty,butI’dhatedit.
I’dshorteneditassoonasIcouldlegallyfilloutthepaperwork,andallofmyID,my
creditcards,everything…ithadallbeenchangedtoSera.

Itwasallsoclearnow.Hisnicknameformehadn’tbeenacoincidenceatall.This

waswhyFixhadstartedcallingmeAngel.Becausehe’ddonehisresearchonme,justlike
he’ddonehisresearchonFranzHalford.ThephotosFixhadshownmeofFranz’svictim
hadcomestraightoutofabrownenvelope,identicaltotheoneIwasholdinginmy
hands.

God.

Oh…ohmygod.

Mypulsewasaraging,demented,thunderingdrumbeat.Myvisionhadtilted,andI

couldnolongerseestraight.Iknewwhatthismeantnow.Iknew,andIwastoosurprised
torun.Iwastoosurprisedtodoanythingbutsittherewiththeevidenceallovermylapas
Itriednottopassout.Iknewthedriver’ssidedooropened,andIknewFixclimbedinto
thecar,butIwastoonumbtoprocesstheinformation.Ijust…what?Whatthefuckhad
justhappened?

Iturned,swivelingtheentiretophalfofmybodysothatIwasfacingFix.Iheldup

oneofthephotos—aparticularlyniceshotofmelaughing,walkingwithSadiedowna
busystreet—andthesmileslippedfromFix’sface.Hiswholedemeanorchangedinthe
blinkofaneye.Itwasthefirsttimeh

“Who?”Idemanded.“Youowemethatmuchatleast.”Myvoicewasrough,broken,

shattered…andmyentireworldrightalongwithit.

Icouldtellbytheexpressiononhisface.

Itwasreal.

Itwastrue.

ItwasmorethanIcouldbear.

“Whothefuckhiredyoutokillme,Fix?!”

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

CallieHartisanobsessiveromanticwholovesthrowingadarktwistintoherstories.Her

charactersareimperfect,flawedindividualswhodictatewhensheeats,sleepsand

breathes.Callielovestotravel,andoftenpensherbookswhenshe’sontheroad,drawing

inspirationfromheruniqueandwildsurroundings.

Ifshe’snotwriting,you’llundoubtedlyfindherwithhernoseburieddeepinabook,or

rewatchingtheBattleoftheBastardsepisodefromGameofThronesandscreaminglikea

lunatic.

ENJOYEDTHESTORY?

Thankyousomuchforreading!Isincerelyhopeyou’veenjoyedthebeginningofthe
DirtyNastyFreaksseries.ThesecondpartwillbecomingoutatthebeginningofMay,
butinthemeantime,ifyouthoughtFixandSerawereapowerhousecouplemadein
heaven,mightIencourageyoutowriteareview?

Bothtraditionalandindieauthorsalikerelyonreviewstospreadthewordoftheir

work,sotheycankeeponwritingandkeeponputtingoutbooksthathopefullyentertain
thecrapoutofyou.Ithelpsusoutimmensely.Ifyouhavethetimeandyou’reexcited
aboutthesecondpartofFixandSera’sstory,thenpleaseheadonovertoAmazonand
writeashortreviewforDirty!

Document Outline

Contents
COPYRIGHT
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
TEN
ELEVEN
TWELVE
THIRTEEN
FOURTEEN
FIFTEEN
SIXTEEN
SEVENTEEN
EIGHTEEN
NINETEEN
TWENTY
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Wyszukiwarka

Podobne podstrony:
Megan Hart Dirty
fight dirty
big profits from a very dirty business
(ebook) CIA Book of Dirty Tricks1id 1301
SHSBC202 ROCK SLAMS AND DIRTY NEEDLES
The Dirty Truth?out The Cloud And The Digital Age
Dirty Mother
Dirty Dancing Time Of My Life
Dirty?ncing The time of my life
Photoshop Down & Dirty Tricks for Designers
Be my baby - DIRTY DANCING, pizza hut ,kfc mc donalds przepisy
Black Eyed Peas The Time (The Dirty Bit)
0909 Hey, hey?by (Dirty?ncing) B Channel&M Cobb
120207163249 bbc tews 57 get hands dirty
Dirty Sock
fight dirty
big profits from a very dirty business
Dirty little secrets Deja King
GA Hauser [Action! 02] Playing Dirty

więcej podobnych podstron

Dirty (Dirty Nasty Freaks #1) Callie Hart

Document Outline