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CREATING RAPPORT THAT

LEADS TO MORE

By Kara Oh

What Is Rapport?

First, let’s demystify rapport. You know that moment when you realize you’re in love? I
hope you’ve had a moment like that. You’re in a romantic restaurant, or sitting in front of
a glowing fireplace, candlelight illuminates your faces… you’re both saying the right
things. You can’t stop looking at each other. You’re breathing in unison – your bodies are
moving in sync. You finish each other’s sentences – you begin to know what the other is
thinking. You’re so in love. You feel the rapport. Ahh...we all long for moments like that.

Here’s a definition of rapport: Rapport is a connection with another person at a
fundamental level. We experience connection because we see and experience their
similarities, their affinity. The differences are not important at that moment; it’s as if
we’ve made a new friend quickly. Rapport is feeling great when you’re with someone.
Rapport is a sense of knowing and being known. Rapport is being in sync with another at
a spiritual, or soul level.

This short ebook will teach you how to create that feeling more of the time and not just
with potential lovers.

Wanting to create rapport will cause you to look for that spark, that life force, that human
connection with other people. The best way of doing it is to just look in their eyes. You’ll
feel that connection immediately if you’re looking for it. But this is not just about eye
contact, this is about heart contact and soul contact… a much deeper connection.

Whether it goes further depends on what you want, what they want and what you can
create together. The best part is that you won’t know what’s possible until you take the
risk and attempt to create rapport.

What Are The Benefits Of Rapport?

I want to make a distinction before we go any further. There are two kinds of rapport.
One is Radiant Rapport and the other is Resonant Rapport.

Radiant Rapport can be created instantly by flirting with people. Teasing the checkout
lady at the market, smiling at old people, playing with a child. The energy behind it
comes from your natural state of happiness. You are, in a way, radiating love and people
are very hungry for love. My ex-husband used to say I sprinkle fairy dust everywhere I
go. It happens almost by accident. This is a great way to be because any amount of joy
you can spread will not only uplift you, but everyone with whom you come in contact.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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When you interact with everyone with Radiant Rapport, they will be happy to see you
and interact with you because they can count on you to uplift their spirits. You’ll get
better service at the restaurants you frequent, at your dry cleaner, with your gardener, etc.
And you will make them feel more important because you treat them with care and
respect.

Resonant Rapport is imbued with a deeper intention. It’s purposeful and filled with a
desire to build a relationship with someone, unlike Radiant Rapport, which is more
transitory. You create Resonant Rapport by consciously connecting your heart to theirs.
The first step in building this kind of rapport is to imagine the energy that emanates from
your heart is literally going into their heart. When you do this the energy that permeates
your time together is saturated with love. Depending on the kind of relationship you
desire to build: friendship, long-term business, family, romantic or purely sexual, you
will adjust the kind of love you send out.

But always, with both kinds of rapport, there must be an element of respect and caring.
Otherwise it is not rapport but manipulation. People see through manipulation, if not
immediately, very soon. And when they discover you have not been sincere, they will be
hurt or angry. The goal of true rapport is to lift people up with each and every interaction.

You literally have unlimited possibilities when you know how to create both Radiant and
Resonant Rapport.

Here are some of the benefits:

• Greater connection

• More popularity

• Instant community
• More exciting social life

• Reduced jealousy

• Better service
• Increased team spirit

• Increased self-esteem

• More business
• Higher income

• Enhanced feeling of love

• Connection with spirit
• Increased health and vitality

• Life will be a greater sense of adventure

• Stronger feelings of contribution
• People wanting to contribute to you

• Have more fun

People who have the ability to create rapport with everyone have lives that look magical,
and full of wonder, with happy coincidences and synchronicity. They become energy

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Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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magnets, attracting people and all manner of wonderful things to them – love, friendship,
prosperity, fun, excitement, money, sales, and good health.

In his book Unlimited Power, Anthony Robbins puts it this way: “The ability to establish
rapport is one of the most important skills a person can have. To be a good performer or a
good salesman, a good parent or a good friend, a good persuader or a good politician,
what you really need is rapport, the ability to form a powerful common human bond and
a relationship of responsiveness.

“Rapport with others makes almost any task simpler, easier, and more enjoyable. No
matter what you want to do, see, create, share, or experience in life, whether it’s
achieving spiritual realization or earning a million dollars, there’s someone else who can
help you accomplish your goal more quickly and easily. Someone else who knows how
to get there quicker or more effectively or can do something to help you get where you
want to go more rapidly. The way to enlist that person is to achieve rapport, the magic
bond that unites people and makes them feel like partners.”

It’s About Being Honest

There are those who say that rapport skills are manipulative. I don’t agree. Since rapport
is about true, sincere and heartfelt connection, how could that be manipulative? How can
it ever be dishonest when the goal is to truly connect with another, to experience their
humanity, to see their sameness? It’s actually the noblest of pursuits.

In any interaction, you bring the energy down, neutralize it, or bring it up. Authentic
rapport always brings it up – it adds to the energy of the other and takes that energy out
into the world.

People have their “strategies” for winning people over but that isn’t rapport. When it’s
insincere, it doesn’t create true rapport. If you don’t care for people, if you’re just using
people, you’ll never be able to create rapport. When you’re doing it just to get something,
it’s dishonest, and that gets in the way. Your intentions need to be honorable, clean, and
high-minded. It’s about creating a true connection, not just about getting something.

It Won’t Work If You Try Too Hard

If you try too hard to create rapport with others, chances are, you won’t create rapport at
all. It’s always off-putting to them.

Why do we try so hard? Because we want to impress, we feel others have more power
than we do, we’re insecure or it’s too important to us.

If people don’t want to create rapport with us, we need to back off a bit, go back to the
basics, not work at it so hard or simply create rapport with someone who wants to.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Develop the Habit Of Rapport

In this process of learning rapport, you need to embrace the idea that true rapport isn’t
something you turn on and off. It must become a part of who you are, an habitual
behavior that you do unconsciously, just like breathing.

If you are to have the kind of life you want, with friends who you care about, a lover who
enhances your life and respect from the people you work with, you will want to become a
master at continual, authentic rapport. It isn’t just a good idea – it is a must for any kind
of success. Please believe you have the resources to do so.

You have the capacity to be a person who creates rapport everywhere you go, to become
a master at rapport… with everyone you meet. When creating rapport is such a natural
part of who you are, you will notice opportunities coming your way that would never
have shown up before.

Everything Starts With Rapport

Every relationship starts with rapport. Actually, the quality of your relationships depends
on it. Total satisfaction and deep connection can’t occur without rapport. Nothing
significant happens without it.

If you have had difficulty creating heart-warming friendships and fulfilling romantic
relationships, it’s because you have not learned the art of rapport.

No man is an island. We are all interdependent and we cannot accomplish much of what
we want in life without the cooperation of others. And without the ability to create
rapport we cannot create the deep connection required to develop relationships –
romantic and otherwise – that give meaning and depth to our lives.

With rapport you can create the quality of life you’ve always wanted.

Rapport Can Change Your Life

I learned the art of creating rapport by accident. When I was young I was painfully
insecure, which caused me to feel disconnected from everyone around me. I was envious
of my friends who could hug each other and be so natural when they interacted. I was so
in need of learning to create rapport that people thought I was a snob and aloof. Little did
they know that I was simply afraid. So I decided to make a change.

First, I thought about the two women I knew who were great with people. I was going to
a big Christmas party and decided I’d bring the feeling of “enjoyment of other people”
into my being so I could go to the party and practice. So, before I left for the party, I sat
quietly, closed my eyes, and imagined these two women standing on either side of me. I
imagined what it would feel like to have their ability to connect with people, then

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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imagined each melding into me so I would carry their wonderful people skills inside of
me.

I went to the party and told everyone I met that I was practicing hugging, then hugged
each person as fully and warmly as I could. Everyone was more than happy to play my
game. By the end of the evening I was having a great time, completely relaxed, and more
comfortable than I’d ever been.

That was easy, fun and so successful that I decided I wanted to keep improving my
abilities at being friendly and outgoing. I didn’t know it was called rapport building. I
started by saying “hi” to strangers I passed on the sidewalk, then I started having fun with
check-out ladies, little kids and old people. Piece of cake…

The hard part was when I went to a hoity-toity women’s lunch. Somehow that kind of
gathering had always intimidated me. But this time, I was comfortable and confident and
enjoyed going out of my way to make others feel good. Mission accomplished! I’ve been
doing it ever since and for the past several years I’ve taught people the joyous value of
creating rapport with everyone they meet.

Make The First Move

I’d gotten over my insecurities and become natural at creating rapport with everyone I
met when I went to my twentieth high school reunion. I sought out Cynthia James, our
Senior Prom Queen. I asked her, “Cynthia, why is it, when most everyone in high school
is scared, you were always so friendly to everyone and so comfortable and confident?”

Here’s the story she told me:

“When I was starting 6

th

grade we’d moved so I was the new girl at school. When I came

home after that first day I was crying. My mother asked what was wrong and I told her no
one wanted to talk to me or be my friend. My mother told me that everyone is scared and
just waiting for someone to make the first move. The next day I took my mother’s advice
and approached some girls. They were happy to talk to me and I instantly had some new
friends.”

Not everyone is shy or insecure. But even confident people appreciate when you
approach them and start a conversation. If you just assume that everyone you meet is
waiting for someone to make the first move, you’ll be more comfortable starting
conversations. And with that in mind, your energy will automatically be caring, which
will relax you both. It’s really quite magical.

Can you imagine how different the planet would be if we were all able to make eye
contact, smile, and say hello to every stranger on the street? Imagine a life where
everyone you know is able to create connection, get along, and cooperate with every
other person in their lives.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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“Where Should I Go To Meet Someone?”

Over the years of giving presentations and speeches to singles, the number one question
has always been, “Where is the best place to meet people?” The answer is, “everywhere.”
But that assumes we all have the ability to meet people wherever we go. It would have
been better if people asked instead, “What do I need to do to meet people wherever I go?”

Meeting that special person is a numbers game. The more people you meet and the more
people you interact with, the more likely you’ll find the man you seek. Notice I said
people, not men. One of the biggest problems single men and women have when they are
seeking a romantic partner is they think they need to focus on meeting single men or
women. Wrong! Radiant Rapport is essential because that means you are always showing
up as someone everyone enjoys. Radiant Rapport can lead to Resonant Rapport.

Once you start to develop even the beginning of a relationship, you become likeable.
Here’s the reason you want to be creating rapport all the time with everyone you meet:
Almost everyone has a single friend who is looking for that special someone. A high
percentage of couples are introduced by friends. Keep that in mind.

Single people are everywhere you go. If you practice rapport as a natural part of how you
interact with everyone, you might meet a man you want to get to know better. But maybe
he’s simply watching how you interact with others. He could be very intrigued or
completely turned off. That’s one of many reasons it’s important to make creating rapport
a habit that you practice with everyone.

It’s All In the Choices We Make

“The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the

circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”

-- George Bernard Shaw, playwright

It only takes a moment to change your life. How? By choosing to do something new and
different. Everything we do in life is determined by the choices we make.

Because you’re reading this ebook, I’m going to assume you’ve already made a choice to
improve your life. You made a choice to search for a solution to a problem. You made a
choice to purchase Men Made Easy or Flirting Made Easy and you’ve now made a
choice to read this ebook about creating rapport.

The next choice you need to make is to actually put what you’re learning into practice. If
nothing else, I hope you are now inspired to realize the value of rapport.

It’s a choice to develop the habit of creating rapport with others. To develop any new
habit requires a conscious choice or decision to practice. Practice all the time and you
will have a new habit. As Maxwell Maltz says in Psycho-Cybernetics, practice for 21
days and you have a new habit.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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You can start by creating better rapport with the people who are already in your life. It’s a
safe way to practice. It’s also pretty safe to create rapport with the waiter at the restaurant
you go to. Why not speak with the doorman at your building… you know, the one you
don’t normally look at as you pass by him?

Perhaps when you valet your car you don’t usually make eye contact with or say anything
to the attendant other than the quick essentials. Try adding a bit of conversation
tomorrow. Once you get masterful at it, you won’t have to make a conscious choice to do
it. It’s like learning any new skill, after you have learned it, it will become a natural
habit… a way of being all the time.

When you get good at it, I encourage you to make a choice to take it to the next level, to
create rapport in a deeper, more heartfelt way. When you begin to do this you’ll notice
your life changing in profound ways. Great things will begin to happen all around you…
all the time. That’s because you will be moving from Radiant Rapport into Resonant
Rapport with more and more people. It will become second nature for you to care more
deeply about everyone you meet. And good things will come your way from business to
friendship to love.

Let Go Of Expectations

Don’t expect to create rapport with every single person you see during a day. Sincere,
authentic, from-the-heart rapport is about caring about the other person. But some people
might not be comfortable opening up to you. Because most people are guarded, your
desire to be playful may make some people uncomfortable. You may be just too different,
in their minds, for them to desire rapport with you. That’s okay, it’s not about you, it’s
about them.

Remember, they haven’t been working on developing their rapport skills. They bring
their history, thoughts, ideals, standards, values and programming wherever they go.
You’ve been letting go of yours but they haven’t.

They may harbor a secret desire to be like you, to be as confident, outgoing and friendly,
but don’t know what you did to be that way. That’s okay. Allow your heart to go out to
them with no need for anything from them. It’s not personal.

4 Stages Of Rapport

1) Transitory – you’ll probably never meet again.
2) Temporary – you learn each other’s name and have reason to interact on a regular

basis.

3) Transitional – you develop an ongoing relationship at work, at play, class,

organization, etc.

4) Timeless – you will have some kind of relationship for the foreseeable future –

family, friends, long-term romantic partner.

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Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Maybe your day looks something like this:

• You wake up, and interact with your family, your dog, your children.

• You go down the elevator and out of your building. You see the doorman, the people

in the elevator and in the lobby.

• You take the subway to work, and there are people on the train.

• You see people on the street on the way to the train and on the way to the building.

• You arrive at your building and you see the guards and other people arriving for

work.

• You arrive at your office and see the receptionist, co-workers, and staff on the way to

your office.

• You have various meetings throughout the day, both in person and on the phone.

• You go to lunch, seeing other diners, restaurant workers, and the people you’re

meeting for lunch.

• You see people coming and going from lunch.

• In the afternoon, you leave for a doctor’s appointment nearby, taking a taxi.

• In the late afternoon, you reverse the process that got you to work in the morning.
• You go out with your friends or a date for a movie, seeing people at the movies,

including other moviegoers and the theater staff.

Look at each of those interactions. Make note of which category each fits into. Then
think about how you would change how you interact with them to create either Radiant or
Resonant Rapport. The easiest way to think of this is to notice what you could do to make
them feel good, acknowledged, appreciated or uplifted. Basically, what can you do to
leave them better off for having interacted with them? That’s true, authentic rapport. If
this feels uncomfortable, good, you’re in the right place.

Developing Your Rapport Habit

I want you to do the next assignment for nine days in a row. It doesn’t matter what your
schedule is. If you’re doing your normal, go to work, spend the weekend at home kind of
nine days, great. If you’re traveling for business or pleasure for the nine days, no
problem. The only reason you should put it off is if you’re not feeling well or
recuperating and not getting out. You need to be interacting with people to do this
assignment.

Assignment – Part 1: Eye Contact

For the next three days make a game of making eye contact with everyone you meet. I
mean everyone. If you look around you and others don’t make eye contact with you,
that’s okay, because this is about you, not them. This is about you going about each day,
walking around, chest and shoulders high, with eyes wide open. This is about developing
a new level of awareness of the people around you.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Keep a small journal with you and make notes of how this feels if this is not your normal
way of moving about. Notice if you find your usual habit is to not make eye contact with
people. This is what most people do most of the time.

You don’t need to smile, talk or try to create rapport with anyone. However, if it comes
naturally, please do! Do this part of the assignment for three days in a row.

Assignment – Part 2: Eye Contact + Smiling

Now step it up to the next level. Spend the next three days making eye contact and
smiling at people. Yes, even if you live in a city! Have fun and enjoy the process by
making it a game. If this isn’t comfortable for you, great! That’s the best reason to do this
assignment… to get you over withholding the gift that you are. Besides, what have you
got to lose? What you have to gain is everything I’ve talked about so far.

OK, get out there, make eye contact and smile at people.

Now, if you’ve done your three days of eye contact and three days of eye contact plus
smiling, you’re ready to move to the next part of this assignment. Be sure to make some
notes about how it felt to look people in the eyes and smile at them. If you haven’t done
your three days of eye contact plus smiling, please do so before continuing.

Assignment – Part 3: Eye Contact + Smiling + Comment

Now it’s time to have some real fun! Spend the next three days making eye contact and
smiling at people but now add some kind of comment. It might be a simple “Good
morning!” or “Hi.” Say whatever comes naturally at the time. If you see a woman with a
great looking car, offer a compliment on it. If you’re moved to talk to a couple with a
dog, do so. If someone in a meeting makes a great presentation, say so. Have fun and do
or say what comes to you in each moment. Most important, remember that everyone
appreciates a nice comment, acknowledgement, compliment or appreciation. Offer all
comments with their well being in mind and a desire to make a heart-to-heart connection.
True rapport is about caring.

Again, if this is not comfortable for you, that’s perfect! This can change your life so go
ahead and be uncomfortable. Just keep doing it and with each interaction it will become
easier and easier and soon, without realizing it, you’ll begin to notice that you’re having
fun. If you’re naturally more extroverted and you do this already, then do it with more
people than you ordinarily would.

Now that you’ve completed your three days of eye contact, three days of eye contact plus
smiling and three days of eye contact, smiling, with a comment or greeting, you’re ready
for the next level of learning to create rapport. If you haven’t done your three days of eye
contact, with your added smiling and commenting, please do so before continuing.

Developing Rapport Skills Is a Gift To Yourself

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Creating rapport is simply a matter of taking a risk, feeling uncomfortable and doing it
anyway. Eventually, it will always be easy, no matter who the person is, no matter how
intimidating they might have been in the past. If you want to have more fun and enjoy life
more, developing the ability to create rapport with everyone you meet will be one of the
best things you will ever do. Why? Because any time you create rapport with someone,
you feel better.

Remember I said how insecure I was? Every new person intimidated me. Today, I’ve
interacted with many celebrities, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows and it’s
always been fun. It’s all because I made the choice to develop rapport skills.

At the Beginning, We’re All Strangers

Except for people in our immediate family, haven’t all the people in your life started as
strangers? Some have passed from Temporary Rapport to Timeless Rapport so quickly
that you didn’t notice the transition. For instance, you might be interviewing for a new
job and rapport is established so quickly that both of you immediately know that not only
is this a “fit” but that you are going to be friends. You both instinctively know it.

Maybe you’ve had the experience of being on a date and knew immediately you wanted
to spend more time together because it was so comfortable being with each other. That’s
when deep rapport is established immediately.

Think about your closest friend. How did you meet them? Weren’t they once a stranger?
Were they part of your community first? Or did they go straight to the category of
intimate? Either way, you had rapport with them and you both knew it.

Sometimes the process is slower and the connection not as close. For instance, you may
go to a new hair dresser and over time you converse and get to know each other, seeing
the commonalities and enjoying each other’s company. You look forward to seeing each
other every month. You’ve moved from Temporary to Transitional. The good
relationship and resultant good feelings are the reward. The friendship that has developed
has led to you sending her more business, being included in social outings or maybe
being introduced to a great man. Rapport always has its rewards.

With rapport, all things are possible. People who are completely unknown to you today
can become part of your community tomorrow. Someone with whom you have built
Transitional Rapport could change into someone with whom you have Timeless Rapport.
When you create rapport effortlessly your world is constantly evolving and expanding.

When you know how to continually create and re-create rapport you will retain your
friends and loved ones… and your circle of friends you enjoy and care about you will
continue to grow.

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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If you’re not as good at creating rapport as you’d like, that’s okay. Use that desire as
inspiration to continue to develop and improve your rapport-building skills. It’s a process
that takes practice. Don’t expect it to happen overnight but do know that it will happen if
you want it bad enough.

Awareness Encourages Change

Something I haven’t talked about very much is awareness. We won’t know to make
changes until we become aware of what needs to change. And we won’t know what we
can do to improve our lives until we become aware of how to make those changes. At the
very least, reading this ebook will make you aware of new possibilities and new ways to
look at how you interact with others, and you will be forever changed. You cannot go
back to not being aware of the power of rapport. What you choose to do with this
information, however, is up to you.

When it feels like an effort – if you’re in a bad mood, physically unwell or you just don’t
feel like doing it – notice your thoughts, and your “reasons” and what you tell yourself.
When we’re learning any new skill there are times when we just don’t feel like putting
any more effort into it. That’s okay because once you get a taste of the benefits you’ll
want to keep going.

Please notice that if the reason is because it’s uncomfortable, then you need to ignore the
discomfort and do it anyway. If you give in to those feelings you’ll never improve and
your life will stay exactly where it has always been. As you practice, it will become more
and more natural and one day, you will never be uncomfortable again.

As inspiration to keep going when you’re uncomfortable, remember, “Everyone is
waiting for someone to make the first move. Let it be you.” If you stick with it,
eventually there will be no work necessary because it will have become natural for you to
create rapport with everyone you meet.

What Does Everyone Want?

Notice if you have resistance to the idea of creating rapport with everyone with whom
you interact. Do you have any hidden prejudices? Our blanket beliefs about others,
especially entire groups, are at the core of all the bad things people do to each other. If we
could all see into the hearts of each person, we would see that we are all alike. Everyone
who isn’t insane wants love, appreciation and acceptance.

If you can teach yourself to look into another person’s heart, you will become a positive
influence everywhere you go.

How Available Are You To Others?

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Remember it’s a choice to create rapport with others. It’s a choice to be available to
others who want to create rapport with you. It’s a choice that becomes automatic –
organic – when you practice your skills.

When we make a choice to do something, our success rate is directly proportional to the
strength of our intention.

Clear intention accounts for 90% of our ability to create effortless rapport.

There is only one thing that prevents rapport: YOU!

True, there are times when you can’t create rapport because others don’t want it. But why
suffer? There are millions of people out there with whom you can create rapport, so don’t
worry about the few who can’t find the commonalities or who don’t have rapport skills.

But here’s something to think about. You’re learning to create rapport and getting better
at it every day. What if you meet a man tomorrow whom you’re attracted to? There’s
something about him that intrigues you and you want to get to know him better. But he
doesn’t have good rapport skills – he’s a bit standoffish.

I was considered standoffish, aloof, a snob because I was scared. So, instead of being put
off, assume he’s scared and will be relieved when you make the first move. What if he’s
dying for you to make the first move and you don’t try? What if you assume, because
he’s not openly inviting you to interact with, he’s not interested? If you don’t at least try
to create rapport with him, you’ll never know and you could miss the opportunity of a
lifetime. Is the possibility of a brush-off worth that risk?

Take a chance and pull out your best rapport “steps,” dazzle him, win him over, or at
least give it your very best try. If you don’t go for it, you might kick yourself for some
time to come. You can probably think of a time you wish you had taken the risk and
talked to that man from your past.

What Keeps Us From Creating Rapport?

Here are some reasons we avoid creating rapport with the people we meet:

• Fear
• Fear of being conned

• Focusing on differences rather than our commonalities

• Not caring enough to interact with people
• Not understanding the unlimited benefits

• Not being confident with our rapport skills

• Being more associated with the pain of past failed attempts at rapport than the

possibilities of the pleasures of creating rapport

• Being introspective, inward, self-centered and unaware of the world

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved

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Your Assignment:

Do you fall into any of those categories? You might have a reason that isn’t included in
that list. You probably haven’t thought about it before. That’s one of the primary
purposes of this ebook, to create new awareness of what’s possible. With this new
awareness you get to notice new things about yourself.

Becoming aware that you are not creating rapport with everyone will help you shift into
being a person who desires more rapport. Understanding the reasons and fears of why
you haven’t wanted to or thought you were unable to create rapport will strengthen your
desire to walk right through any discomfort so you can develop those skills.

The desire to create rapport – to connect to others in a meaningful and fulfilling way – is
innate and your ability to do so is already within you. You were born with the ability to
create rapport. But a lifetime of negative messages has obscured what’s possible. You
can choose to change right now.

Assume The Best In Others

Keeping an open and clear energetic path between you and others is clearly the way to
create rapport everywhere with everyone. When you assume that others are wrong, bad or
out to get you, are you going to be excited to create rapport? I think not.

Having a positive attitude and beliefs about others will keep your heart open to others.
Sure, occasionally you’ll come across someone who isn’t open to you and gets offended
or upset. But in my experience, that’s rare. Avoiding opportunities to create rapport
because of the slight possibility it might backfire on you will cause you to miss out on
some of the sweetest moments in life.

Complaining Poisons Your Energy

I haven’t talked about it yet, but your energy is what people actually respond do. If you
are a negative kind of person, your energy is not nice to be around. If you are joyful, it’s
your energy that uplifts everyone around you. Even your smile changes yours and
everyone else’s energy. Your energy is more powerful than you may realize.

One of the easiest ways to spot negative energy is to notice how much you or someone
else complains. Many people complain all day long… about the weather, the government,
the Democrats, the Republicans, rich people, poor people, the Mayor, the boss, the
secretary, their mother, their ex. If complaining is part of your personality, you will never
be able to create rapport with others. It puts you in a foul mood and makes you someone
most people try to avoid… except other complainers. Yuck!

Another aspect of this kind of energy is fault finding. People who blame others, blame
outside forces or circumstances for their circumstances are equally difficult to be around.
Blamers are not able to create rapport because they are not able to look for the good in

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others. And something I discovered when I was leading workshops, the blamers were
never able to change because they could not see their part in each situation.
Consequently, they never take responsibility for what happens to them and their
relationships suffer because if it.

Over the next several days, notice if you complain or blame. Both need to be purged from
your way of being if you are ever to become someone who has mastered the art of rapport
building.

Your Assignment:

If you’re not sure if you’re a complainer or blamer, this assignment will be a good
exercise to do. Remember, without awareness, nothing will change. If you keep doing the
same thing, you’ll keep getting the same results. If you are a complainer or a blamer, it’s
time to change. The only way to start changing is to be brutally honest with yourself. No
one else needs to know what you’re up to.

Take a small journal with you and once every hour, take it out. If you have to, create a
reminder in your Blackberry or on your phone to take two minutes every hour. Make a
note of complaints that you make or when you find yourself blaming. Don’t edit, just
notice what’s happening.

• Who or what are you complaining about?

• Who do you do it with?

• Who starts it with you?
• Are you complaining because it’s habit?

• How does it make you feel? Does it make you angrier or happier?

• Does it make you feel better or worse during and after?

At the end of the day, take out your journal and look at your notes with fresh eyes. Do
you do just a tiny bit of complaining or are you surprised that you complain more than
you realized? Write down what you noticed overall. Is a lot of your complaining
habitual? For instance, when you’re with certain friends is it just how you connect?

Are you complaining about the same things over and over? And ultimately, do you
believe that it’s helping or hindering your ability to create rapport with others in your
life?

Praise and Approval Go A Long Way

If you want to build rapport with a man, compliments, praise, acknowledgement and
appreciation give you a lot of mileage. This seems like it would be obvious, but because
so much of how we interact with others is habitual, especially when we get nervous, it’s
important to remind yourself how powerful compliments are.

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It’s the habitual way you interact with men that is at the core of why you aren’t as good
with men as you’d like to be. That’s why it’s so important to become aware of everything
you do. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to create a relationship that is better
than what you’ve experienced before.

A lot of people think all that’s needed is to meet the right person, and then everything
will magically fall into place. Oh, if that was really true. The very foundation of any
relationship is the ability to create that initial rapport. Without it, nothing will happen.
Adding the skill of offering compliments, praise, acknowledgement and appreciation, like
a dusting of powdered sugar, will make you stand out as someone exceptional. Rapport
can definitely lead to more.

Your Assignment:

Take that same journal you used for complaining. Now keep track, in the same way, of
all the praise, approval and compliments in your life… both offered and received.

• Who is complimenting you?

• Who are you complimenting and praising?

• Are there certain circumstances in which it is easier or harder to give praise?
• How does it create rapport?

Once you have become aware of your usual way of offering praise (or not) you can begin
to add it in to your interactions with people every day. Make it a habit so when you meet
that great woman, you’ll be a natural and she’ll feel terrific in your presence.

And by the way, when someone offers you a compliment, appreciation or praise, be
gracious in accepting it. So often we brush it off and the other person is hurt. If it is
someone who is a friend or lover, they will eventually quit offering praise.

Rapport Requires Impeccable Manners

Etiquette – also known as manners – is, sadly, a very misunderstood concept. It has
improperly been associated with images of people who are uptight, stuffy and overly
concerned with appearances. We tend to think of etiquette as the practice of using the
right fork and knife, how to introduce people and how to have social graces.

But it’s more than just how to behave. Good manners put others at ease. It’s about
knowing the accepted ways of the world so we feel comfortable and others feel
comfortable around us. Social mistakes put other people off and create a situation in
which we lost rapport with others, often inadvertently… sometimes irrevocably.

Knowing etiquette, practicing it on a daily basis, and having good social skills is
something that anyone and everyone should learn. There is simply no excuse for not
having good manners. Yes, I’m aware society is much more relaxed today, but being
considerate of others will never go out of style.

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When I’ve worked with singles on how to have the relationship of their dreams, I’ve
noticed many lack good manners and social skills.

Good social skills are too important to ignore. Without these essential social skills, you
limit, to a very large degree, who will want to pursue a relationship with you. One slip at
dinner – unless it’s an obvious accident and you acknowledge it – and they might not
want to see you again. And most likely, you’ll never know why. So developing superior
etiquette and manners is the only intelligent choice if you want to have relationships that
work.

If you’re not sure, ask a friend to be brutally honest with you. If you don’t know someone
who will offer this gift of friendship, hire someone. You could be doing something that
has kept love from coming your way, maybe for many years.

Be Easy To Be With

Are you easy to be with? If not, why not? Have you met people who take pride in being
difficult? It’s childish and self-centered, for sure, but it’s also impossible for them to
create rapport with anyone. Maybe that’s why they do it, to avoid getting too close.

Some people don’t know that they’re difficult and hard to get along with. Are you certain
you’re easy to be with? One way to know is if people tell you that you’re fun, they like
you, seek you out and tell you you’re easy to be with or work with.

If you never hear these types of comments, it might be a good idea to pay attention. Get
that little journal out and start paying attention. If there are things in this area you can
improve, now is the time… unless, of course, you don’t really want to be in a great
relationship. Remember, it’s all in your hands, you get to choose.

A Sense Of Humor Will Take You Far

You don’t have to be funny to have a great sense of humor. Telling a good joke is not a
requirement. If you pay attention, you can see humor everywhere in this crazy life that
swirls around us. A good sense of humor can simply be that you laugh easily at other
people’s humor, you see the humor in every-day events and you’re fun and know how to
be playful.

If you’re someone who takes life too seriously, you’ll not be very pleasant for most
people to be around. You will do well to find someone who is equally serious. But in my
experience, having fun and seeing humor in everyday life is what makes it fun. If you can
see that it’s the little things that are both absurd and endearing and precious, and yes,
funny, you’ll be a whole lot more enjoyable to be around.

Would you like to develop a better sense of humor? The best way I know to do that is to
watch your favorite comediennes and watch funny movies. You’ll start to see the humor

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in life more and more. Plus, laughter lifts your spirits, brightens your energy and they’ve
proven that it helps your immune system. What could be better than that? Well, yes, and
sex does all those things as well.

When You Lose Rapport, Bring It Back

When you’re out of rapport with those in your life, someone needs to take responsibility
to bring it back. If no one is willing to do so, you could end up in one of those situations
where a complete break occurs and cannot be healed.

One thing I haven’t warned you about is once you become aware of what you’re doing,
you’ll be more aware of what others are doing, making you the one who needs to fix it.
That’s because you’re the one who sees what the problem is and how to fix it. This is
especially true when you start to notice if the people in your life are complainers or
worse, blamers.

It’s a big responsibility but it’s better to take charge of your life and thus, the outcome,
than it is to be at the mercy of everyone around you.

So here’s the bad news; it’s always your responsibility. Do I mean you are at fault? Not at
all. Actually, because you’ve become more aware, it’s likely the “fault” is less and less
yours.

If you want the rift to be removed, who do you think is going to do it? The one who’s still
unaware, or you, who knows what’s up? Also, no matter what has caused the problem,
you are always responsible for your part of every interaction. So you can at least fix your
side of it, no matter what the other person does, or how firmly they need to be right.

If they are the cause of the problem, your reaction is still your responsibility, no matter
what. No one causes you to feel a certain way, or to react the way you do. So ultimately,
then, it really is all your responsibility.

You can choose how you react. With awareness you evolve your wisdom and skill to sort
it out so no matter how the other person responds, you can feel good knowing that you
did everything you could to make it right and that your integrity remained intact.

Go Ahead and Apologize

Learning to apologize is one of the greatest relationship skills you can develop. If you
caused a problem with someone, apologize quickly. Don’t let things fester. Even if you
think they’re equally wrong, apologize first. Since you are always part of the dance, at
least some of it will be your responsibility. Take responsibility and apologize because the
goal is to get back into rapport as quickly as possible.

The Power Of Compassion

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Having compassion for yourself and others has the power to keep you in rapport, and if
you lose rapport, to get you back before things deteriorate too badly. If someone is upset,
offering compassionate understanding is often enough.

If you’re upset or angry with yourself or feeling guilty or wrong about something,
prolonging those feelings will only cause you to get out of rapport with the people around
you. Compassion, just like charity – should start with yourself!

Male and Female Rapport

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

--Woodrow Wyatt

Because this ebook is one of the bonuses that came with Men Made Easy and Flirting
Made Easy, the topic of rapport is obviously aimed at your relationships with men.

It’s important to point out that a woman’s model of the world is different from that of a
man. John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, captured the
nation’s attention when he so cleverly described how very different men and women
really are.

The most useful part of his message is this: If you were to meet a being from another
planet you wouldn’t treat it the way you treat your friends. You would know that it didn’t
speak your language or understand your ways of doing things. You wouldn’t be angry
with this creature when it did things differently than you. He explains that this is the way
we need to treat the opposite sex. Don’t assume that their thoughts, patterns, beliefs,
training, language, manners, or behavior is like yours. In fact, it is very different.

Men and women often get out of rapport with each other when one of them assumes the
other is “wrong” for doing something differently than they would do it.

For example, women talk for different reasons than men do. Women talk to connect or to
work out their feelings or to understand a problem. They don’t necessarily want to solve
the problem with their talking. Men want to take action and solve problems. Haven’t you
had a man say to you, “Can you just get to the point?”

Most men have little patience for the differences in how and why women talk. Likewise
for women. When women want to connect, the content of what they talk about is not as
important as just being together, sharing any thoughts and ideas that come to mind. I call
it “meandering.”

Women often start a conversation meaning to head to a specific point, but along the way,
they meander onto other topics, eventually, maybe, getting to the point they were
intending to get to. But if they don’t, no problem, the main thing, and what really matters
to them, is they connected. This drives most men crazy.

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When a man wants to connect he usually needs physical connection. But most women
need to bond through talking so they can be open to physical contact. Can you see how
just this one issue causes couples to lose rapport? Add all the other issues that can trigger
disconnection and it’s a wonder couples can keep a relationship going at all.

Some of the problems with rapport have developed within the last 10-15 years. The
whole male/female dynamic in this country shifted slightly after the Anita Hill-Clarence
Hill debacle. Practically overnight, in the workplace, men no longer felt safe to interact
with women the same way they did before, and sometimes they take that fear out into the
dating world.

When you have a goal to be in a relationship, understanding the differences between men
and women is very helpful in creating rapport. And the better you’re able to use all the
rapport building techniques here, the wider you will be able to “cast your net” and the
more men you will attract.

Rapport building is really a form of playing with people. Everyone enjoys it and
everyone benefits. As your rapport building skills improve, you become a magnet,
drawing people to you from every direction.

When creating rapport becomes your natural way of interacting with people, it becomes
more likely you’ll meet that special man. You’ll meet men in elevators, coffee shops,
supermarkets and at lectures. And everywhere you go you’ll be the one in the room who
makes people feel good because you know how to reach out.

Assignment:

This week, look for unusual places to practice your rapport skills, to play with people.
Take risks and see what happens. You’ll be surprised how positively people respond in
situations you might have thought would not be received well. As you step out and take
risks, you’ll become more and more comfortable being the happy, light person in the
group. Everyone will be grateful for your efforts.

Telephone Rapport

Phone rapport is an important skill to develop because we spend so much time on the
phone. Since much of rapport is non-verbal, you don’t have the same clues and hints of
facial expression and body language when you’re trying to create rapport on the phone.
As your rapport building skills improve you’ll become more and more sensitive to the
subtleties that are part of hearing only voice and intonation.

Phone rapport takes extremely careful listening. This is the time to be fully engaged in
the conversation. You want the man you’re talking with to feel special. If you’re on the
computer or half watching television, he’ll be able to feel it… and it won’t feel good.

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With cell phones it’s even more critical to focus on the person on the phone with you.
We’re used to doing other things while we’re on the cell phone, like driving or buying
coffee. If the call is important and your goal is to create rapport, then stop what you’re
doing, sit down, and focus on him.

This week, simply notice how often you’re on the phone and not really paying full
attention to the person on the other end.

Next week, start focusing your full attention on those calls where you want to create
rapport. Maybe that new man is calling to let you know how much he enjoyed getting to
know you and would you like to go out again? Don’t you think you should give this kind
of call your 100%, undivided attention?

Since manners are part of your rapport building skills, there are a few things you can do
to ingratiate yourself with the man you talk to:

1. Always be happy to talk to him. Don’t be rushed. If it can’t be helped, apologize.
2. Always ask right away if this is a good time. Too often, people call someone and

just start in, not realizing they just interrupted that person. If it is not a good time,
set a time when it is convenient for them, then keep the appointment.

3. If you tell a man you’ll phone him, do so, especially if you have given him a date

and/or time. Women aren’t the only ones who look forward to the promised call.

4. If you leave a message and he returns your call when you’re rushing to get

somewhere or preoccupied in any way, you need to stop everything you’re doing,
go to a quiet place, and give him your full and complete attention. If you can’t do
that, then get his number and offer to call him back or set a time in the evening
when you’ll both be relaxed. Be apologetic that you’re not in a position to give
him 100% of your attention and tell him you’d very much like to talk later in the
evening and you appreciate he returned your call.

Remember, because the phone doesn’t allow for eye contact or body language, you must
be sure that he really does hear your sincerity. All it takes is awareness and a desire to
open your heart to someone who is looking for the same things you are.

Noting Ventured, Nothing Gained

The fear of rejection is the primary reason people hold back and don’t take the risk of
connecting with each other. But sadly, every time we hold back we miss out on a
potentially wonderful experience.

Even if you encounter a true rejection (maybe he doesn’t like men with brown hair) no
one is going to say, “I reject you!” It just doesn’t happen that way. It’s much more subtle
than that because most everyone has the same fears about being rejected. People are
pretty gentle with each other when it comes to rejection.

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One of the scariest things about dating is the whole issue of rejection. But with dating,
because it’s someone new, it isn’t really rejection. How can he reject you if he doesn’t
really know you?

When you show interest in a man but he doesn’t respond in kind, if you look at it not as a
rejection but rather, just a bad fit, it’s easier to not take it personally. One thing I’ve
learned is to be ready to say “Next” when something doesn’t work out. This is especially
useful when it comes to dating.

Many people have very strong, physical reactions to perceived rejection or the fear of
potential rejection. They feel threatened, anxious or powerless, and their minds scurry in
frightened little circles. Some people want to avoid these symptoms so much they avoid
relationships altogether. They would rather not make eye contact or smile at a stranger,
than to risk the possibility of rejecting or being rejected. How unfortunate and sad,
knowing at each person’s core is a desire for love, touch, kindness, acceptance,
appreciation and understanding.

The truth is, some people will want to play with you and some won’t You have no control
over that and you do yourself a disservice if you take it personally. You cannot control
anyone else, but you can control yourself, your actions and your reactions. Do the best
you know how, be the kindest, most caring, appreciative, happy person you can be and
most of the time, your efforts to create rapport will be more than welcomed.

Decline With Dignity

There’s a challenge with having outstanding rapport skills that you might not have
considered. Occasionally someone will assume you want more when you don’t. There are
many times in life when rapport is the only goal. You don’t want a romance or a best
friend, you just want to enjoy a nice interaction. If you have the advanced relationship
skill of being able to decline with dignity, this will never be a problem.

When coaching single adults I’ve found they often avoid creating rapport with the
opposite sex because they’re afraid the person will assume there’s more interest than
there is. Because they don’t have the skill to say no in a dignified way, they simply avoid
being as outgoing and friendly as they might otherwise want to be.

This is a terrible waste in the whole scheme of human possibilities. So many
opportunities to create simple interactions are missed. So many possibilities to create
something other than a romance are missed. And, if you don’t even try, the possibility of
finding true love is also missed.

I heard about a woman who had a blind date with a man who she realized right away was
not a fit for her romantically. But she decided to have a great time on the date and make
sure he had a good time, too. He thought enough of her to fix her up with one of his
friends. She and that man’s friend have been happily married now for 15 years!

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Don’t be afraid to take risks because you never know what good might come your way. If
you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been possible. And if you do try, and
it’s not a good fit, the worst thing that will happen is maybe a bruised ego… unless
you’ve learned not to take it personally, learned to say “Next” or “Oh well,” and
continued to make purposeful choices.

When you decline someone’s invitation with dignity, you leave the person whole and
undamaged. You can decline in a manner that leaves them clear that you aren’t rejecting
them, just their request. You stay in rapport and you stay in integrity.

Here are two circumstances where you need to be able to decline skillfully:

1. When you’re declining a request and you’d like to be asked again.
2. When you’re declining a request and you’re not open to further requests from that

person.

If you’re open to being asked again, declining with dignity has these three elements:

1. Thank them for the invitation.
2. Say no to the specific invitation.
3. Let them know you are open to further requests.

For example, “Thanks for asking me. I really appreciate that you asked me but I can’t go
this weekend. I hope you’ll ask me again.”

Or you can say, “Oh, that sounds like fun! I’d like to be able to say yes but tonight
doesn’t work. But what about Thursday night? Would that work?”

When you don’t want to be asked again it’s important to know how to decline so you are
clear and compassionate – for your dignity as well as theirs. (There is no dignity in
avoiding phone calls or being evasive or fearful.)

So here’s how:

1. Thank them for the invitation.
2. Say no to the specific invitation.
3. Let them know you appreciate them (there is something you appreciate, isn’t there?)

and that future requests aren’t appropriate right now.

For example, a single woman might decline an invitation from a man he’s gone out with
once, but has no intention of going out with again in this way: “Thanks for asking, but
I’m going to have to say no. The chemistry isn’t quite right between us, so I think it’s
best that we don’t see each other. I know I can trust you to understand.”

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Or: “Thanks for asking, but I can’t go. My sense is that we aren’t right for each other, and
you are such a terrific person I know you deserve someone great. Would you be open to
the possibility of me fixing you up with one of my friends?”

Or: “I’m flattered, but I need to say no because I’ve started to see someone else and I
know you’ll understand.”

Being Declined With Dignity

When others say no to you, no matter how inept they are, you can maintain your dignity
if you remind yourself that you aren’t being rejected, your request is being declined.
You’ll need to practice hearing “no” as being a decline, never a rejection, no matter what
words are being said to you. Remember, they don’t know who you really are so they
can’t be rejecting you; it’s just not a good fit… that’s all.

If you continue to get declines and no acceptances, you probably need to take a look at
your part of what’s going on. You might ask a friend to give you some feedback.
Hopefully it will be constructive.

Assignment:

This week notice how many times people say no to you. For instance, let’s say you ask
someone to go for a sandwich at lunch, and they say “Hey, I can’t today.” We want you
to listen to it this way: “Hey, thanks for asking. I can’t do it today. But please ask again
sometime.” If this is someone you know well, such as a co-worker and you know they
like you then it’s easy to listen to their communication this way. It’s implicit in both what
they say and don’t say. Notice also if you hear a “NO” as rejection. If that happens, do
your best to switch it from a rejection to just a bad fit, bad timing or whatever else is
more likely the truth.

Make notes on your reactions and, if you weren’t able to react the way you would have
preferred, write down some ideas for how you would prefer to respond.

Assignment:

Here’s another assignment. Whenever you need to say no or decline someone’s request or
invitation, and you’d like to do it another time, practice doing it with these three steps:

1. Thank them for the invitation.
2. Promise them you won’t be doing it now.
3. Let them know you are open to further requests in the future.

Or, if you don’t want further invitations:

1. Thank them for the invitation.
2. Say no to the specific invitation.

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3. Let them know you appreciate the offer and that future requests aren’t appropriate

right now.

It’s uncomfortable, at first, remembering all these steps. It may also feel cumbersome, but
as you practice it will get easier. When this skill is a natural part of how you deal with
people your social life will become more enjoyable.

A Final Note

Creating rapport is one of the most important social skills you will ever learn. That’s
because it open doors… doors to relationships, romance, business and friendships that
fulfill you beyond measure. All you need to remember is:

• Be sincere

• Look for commonality

• Remember they’re hoping someone will make the first move
• Everyone’s soul needs connection

• You have the power to make people feel special and important

• You have the power to raise anyone’s spirit
• People need relief from seriousness

• You can make a difference

If you did all the assignments I suggested above, and if you gave them all the effort they
deserve, that you deserve, then you’re already enjoying the benefits creating rapport
offers. I guarantee you’ll enjoy everyone more, you’ll enjoy YOU more, and you’ll enjoy
life more. That’s a great return on investment. You’ll also be more attractive – as in a
magnet attracting people toward you.

Happiness is the key and each assignment will help you develop and expand your level of
happiness. Notice how you reacted to each assignment. Did you resist? Why? What are
you afraid of? What’s holding you back? The answer to that question is you, only you.

You are more powerful than you know and your ability to make others feel special and
important is completely in your hands. You are the only person who can make your life
as you wish it to be.

Kara Oh
The Heart Whisperer™
P.O. Box 21803
Santa Barbara, CA 093121
805-705-0561

http://KaraOh.com

Creating Rapport That Leads To More
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh, All Rights Reserved