Time Will Tell

By Jenn14

This is set about 17 years into the future.

Warnings: Violence

He looks so innocent when he sleeps. Hell he looks just as innocent when he's awake. He always has. My mind races
as I stand out here in the hallway looking in at him. I can't believe I'm here, that he's here, again. Oh God, I think to
myself, NOT AGAIN. WHY?

I close my eyes try to push all thoughts of the last time out of my mind. He was so young then. His prom... I try not
to think about it. Forget the past, live in the present. I've been practically chanting that to myself every night for the
last three weeks. I look in again and see his face clearly. He's troubled now; I can see it on his face, that expression.
A nightmare I assume. God, somebody give him something, my mind screams.

I need to sit down. My legs suddenly feel weak. I hate to see him hurting, unconscious or awake; I just hate to see
him hurting. I almost laugh bitterly at that thought. Who hurt him more than anyone else? Me. Always me.

I can still see the hurt in his eyes that last night. The night I decided not to hurt him ever again, just this one last
time. I knew I couldn't be what he needed. I couldn't be who he really wanted. I could only be who I was, who I am.
He deserved better than that.

I don't know how I had the strength to do it. Still today I think I must have been on autopilot. I packed up everything
he owned, and had it sitting at the door when he came home. I looked him in the eye, and I did the one thing I'll
regret forever, the one thing I always prided myself on not doing. I lied. I looked him in the eye and lied to him. I
told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. That I didn't feel anything for him anymore, that passion dies. What
could he do? Nothing and I knew that. What could he say? There wasn't anything he could have said to that. So he
didn't do or say anything for the longest time. He just stood there staring at me. Trying to comprehend how I could
just throw us away, after eight years.

He ended up doing the only thing he could do. He left. Grabbed what he could and walked out the door of our loft,
but not before I could see the hurt all over his face. The tears in his baby blue eyes, the betrayed look on his face, I'd
never felt so low in my life, but I knew why I needed to do this. It was for him, I would only drag him down. He was
25 years old, and there I was pushing 40.

At the time it made sense, but later I knew that I'd fucked up. I knew I couldn't take it back, and I knew it was too
late. He was happier eventually. I could see it on the rare occasions that our paths crossed. When he'd show up at
Gus's school functions with his new boyfriend, whenever I'd see him at the diner, he was always smiling, always
happy. I was miserable, but he'd never know it. No one would. I refused to talk about him, about us, with anyone.

Ten years goes by quickly when you're in denial. Denying the feelings you have, the feelings you had, the feelings
you're sure you'll never share with another human being again. Maybe I was still on autopilot, I don't know.

When Mikey called me three weeks ago, his voice shaking as he said it, my heart stopped. "Justin's been hurt. It's
serious Brian. Gus is with him, they're on the way to the hospital now. I can't get a hold of Lindsay or Melanie." Of
course he was calling because of Gus, but my mind was stuck on the first part of it "Justin's been hurt."

I dropped to the floor. My knees buckled beneath me and I couldn't breathe. I hung up the phone somehow and
spoke only one word. "Sunshine."

I knew I had to get to the hospital. My son was there with him, no one would think it out of the ordinary for me to be
there for him. Why WAS Gus with him? It didn't matter, I was just glad someone was with him.

Driving like a man possessed I made it to the hospital in record time. I saw Gus sitting in the waiting room alone. He
was all dressed up, looking gorgeous; tears were sliding down his cheeks. He kept brushing them back and looking
nervously at the door. As soon as he saw me he rushed into my arms. I held him tight and he broke down
completely, sobbing uncontrollably.

I managed to get him settled a bit and over to the sofa he was sitting on before. When he seemed to be a little more
in control I pulled back a bit.

"What happened?" My voice cracked and I realized Gus wasn't the only one who'd been crying. I brushed my own
tears away with the side of my hand.

Gus shook his head and pushed back a sob before answering me. "Justin's show... it opened tonight. I was there with
Mom and Ma. We were going to go out for dinner to celebrate afterwards. Mom wasn't feeling good, so Ma took her
home. I asked if I could stay with Justin. He said we could still go out and get something to eat, to celebrate."

He looked up at me as if somehow it was wrong for him to be spending time with Justin. I knew they'd always
stayed close. For the eight years we were together Justin had been his second father, I knew he always would be.
Hell I think I would have been pissed if they hadn't stayed so close.

I nodded at him to let him know it was alright. He continued softly. "We were leaving the restaurant when it
happened. We were almost to the car, when I realized I'd left my jacket inside. I went back in to get it. When I came
outside a bunch of guys had him surrounded, before I could get to them...."

His voice trailed off and I knew exactly how he felt. My mind flashed back to that damn parking garage, to that
damn baseball bat, before I could get to him...

I looked at Gus and he hugged me tight. He kept talking into my chest. "I tried to stop it. One of them had a tire iron.
He bashed him in the head as I yelled. They grabbed his wallet... Then they all ran off."

So here I was. I stood up again and looked into the room. Seventeen years later watching over him as he slept
waiting for him to wake up. Wishing things were different. Wishing I was different.

Pressing my hand against the door and opening it, I vowed to myself that this time it would be different. I sat next to
his bed and took his hand in mine. I almost broke down again, just touching him. It can be different, I think to
myself, if he'd just wake up.


As I sat there holding his hand, looking at his angelic face. My stomach knotted and I sat staring at his closed eyes.
How can it possibly be different this time? Reality was setting in. I haven't changed, and I'm not going to change.
Here I am, doing it again. Selfishly wanting him, thinking that I'm what's best for him, when I know I'm not. Christ!
I stand up and head for the door. What was I thinking? Yeah, I miss him, but he's doing just fine without me. I'm
doing just fine without him. He has his life, I have mine. Why, then... Why do I want what we had before? He
doesn't want it, not the way it was. Shit.

I walk out the door of his room and try to head to the elevators. I turn looking back through the window into his
room. My feet won't move. It's like I'm bolted to the floor. So there I stand on the outside again, watching and
wondering. It feels as if only a few moments have gone by. I look at the clock on the wall. I've been glued to this
spot for nearly four hours.

The hand on my shoulder is unexpected and I turn rather quickly. Gus is here, shit it must be morning already. My
son looks at me with concern in his eyes. He knows, he always has known, he was the only one who did. "How long
have you been here?" I shrug, unsure really. "You love him, Dad..." I cut him off. "It doesn't matter Gus."

Gus guides me out of the hallway and we're now seated in the hospital cafeteria. Gus brings me over a cup of black
coffee. I sip it slowly and watch as he adds cream and sugar to his own cup.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I look at him blankly. "Talk about what?" He takes a sip of his coffee before answering me. We both know I'm just
being difficult.

"Justin." He says it matter of factly.

I stare off at the wall for a moment then shake my head. He gives me a look that lets me know he's not going to let
me off that easy. He's the only person that truly knows me. He's the only one that knows how deeply I still care for
Justin.

"He still loves you too."

I stared at him for a minute not sure what to say. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, so I closed it again and
looked down at my hands.

"That's not just an opinion you know. It's a fact. We talked about it over dinner the night he was jumped..." I saw the
pain in Gus's eyes and I knew that look so well, I'd worn it myself seventeen years ago. I hoped it would be easier
for Gus to let the guilty feelings of not being able to stop the attack go.

"There was nothing you could have done." I'd told him this before, but he's a lot like me in some ways, and I knew
he needed to hear it again. I still need to hear it from time to time and that was so long ago.

"I know." Gus sighs and cocks his head sideways to get a good look at me. "What I don't understand... I mean...
What I don't get... Is how two people who obviously love each other can stay apart?"

I laugh bitterly. "I'm no good for him Gus." I say it with a hint of a smile, not sounding too convincing somehow. It's
true though and I know it. I turned him into something he wasn't back then, instead of letting him become the person
he was. Luckily, he'd been able to find his true self again. At least I'd done that right, letting him go was for the best.

I repeated myself "I'm no good for him Gus." This time my voice was low but resolute.

"Who told you that?" Gus was looking at me so intently.

"Everyone" I scoffed. Then in a more serious tone "and they were right." I took another drink and leaned back in the
chair. I was exhausted and I didn't want to have this conversation. If it were anyone else I would have simply told
them to fuck off and left the room. I couldn't do that with Gus.

"Since when do you give a shit what everyone thinks?" I smiled at him.

"I don't."

"Then why? Why believe that you're no good for him?"

"Because I'm not good for him. I never was."

"I remember what it was like..."

"No you don't."

He sighed and picked up his empty sugar packet tearing at the corners of it.

"I know that you're different without him."

I sat straight up and stared into my sons eyes. "Gus, you're too young to remember how things were when we were
together, so let's drop this okay?"

Gus shook his head. "No."

"NO?" I said it a little louder than I intended. I was starting to lose my temper. I don't want to talk about Justin. I
don't want to talk about the past. I don't want to do this.

"Why are you here then Dad?" I didn't have an answer for him. I simply shrugged.

"I know you've been here every night." I shot him a questioning look. How could he know? This is the first time I've
been caught, by anyone I know, looking in on Justin.

"I'm here every morning." He answers my silent question. "I usually wait until you're gone before I go in to sit with
him."

My coffee cup is finally empty and I stand up. "Go sit with him Gus. I've got to get going. I need to shower and
change before I go to work." He stands up and gives me a hug.

"I love you sonny boy."

"I love you too Dad."

He knew me better than anyone, and he knew it was time to let this conversation go. I knew him just as well though,
and it wouldn't be the last time we discussed it.



I've been staring at this same page for over an hour. It seems no matter how many times I read it; I just can't
concentrate on it. I keep seeing my blonde boy laying there fighting for his life. He's not mine, I tell myself. He
hasn't been for a long time.

My stomach rumbles a bit, and I realize it's well past lunch time. It's just as well; I'm not in the mood to eat. Nothing
wants to stay down anyway lately. Why did I even come into work today? My new client, that's why. I look up at the
clock, another forty five minutes before that meeting takes place. If all goes well, I'll be out of here in two hours.

Rubbing the palm of my hand against my face roughly, I yawn. Maybe I need some coffee, yeah that should help. I
get up and start to head to my office door, when it swings open. I take a step back as I see Mikey walking toward
me. I move back toward my desk and perch myself on the edge of it.

"Hey Mikey." Even at forty-seven, a part of me still feels about fourteen whenever I'm around Michael.

"Hey Yourself." He's smiling and somehow I feel myself smile too. That feels good; I haven't felt much like smiling
lately. "You feel like grabbing a late lunch? Cynthia says you haven't eaten yet."

I shake my head. "Naw, I can't. Got a big client meeting in forty five minutes."

"Come on..." He's looking at me and I can see the concern in his eyes now. How had I missed that before? Mikey's
not that good at covering his motives. "we can grab something quick."

"Michael what are you doing here?" I give him my best 'don't bullshit me' look.

He sighs and breaks, like he always does. "I'm worried about you Brian."

"Worried about me? Now why would you do that?" I turned away from him and pretended to be looking for
something on my desk. I felt his hand rest gently on my back, and I closed my eyes. I let out a sigh and turned to
look him in the eyes.

"I'm fine Mikey, now go back to work. Your clientele should be getting out of school soon. Don't want to miss the
after school crowd." He shook his head and I knew he wasn't going anywhere.

"You're not fine Brian. Have you taken a look at yourself? You look like shit."

"I'm forty, Mikey. How else am I supposed to look?" Michael laughed.

"Forty seven, Brian." I forced a smile.

"Whatever."

"I'm serious Brian. What's wrong with you? You look like you haven't sleep in days."

I stood up and walked back around my desk and sat in my chair. "Too busy to sleep, Mikey. You know me always
on the go."

I began shuffling through the file in front of me on the desk. Michael just stood there watching me. I knew he was
pouting, before I even looked up at him.

"Now really Mikey, I have work to do. As soon my meeting's finished I'm going home for a little nap before I go out
tonight." I smiled one of my best 'I'm getting laid tonight' smiles and that somehow reassured him.

"Alright." He moved toward the door. "I'll see you tonight maybe? We're meeting up at Woody's..."

I nodded. "Yeah, Mikey, sure." Then I hit the buzzer on my desk.

"Yes?" Cynthia answered.

"Coffee... I need coffee." I could hear her mumbling a little under her breath as I was saying it, but she brought it in
smiling a few minutes later.

"You ready to wow them?" I smirked and nodded.

"I'm always ready to wow."

"Uh huh."

The file in front of me was boring. This product was boring. Christ these people would probably be boring. How in
the hell am I going to manage to stay awake through it all?

Before I know it, I'm walking in and shaking hands with a group of men. I know I wouldn't be able to pick any of
them out of a lineup afterwards if I had to. Shit, my concentration was off, so I started in with my ideas and focused
all the energy I had on the layouts in front of the room. The campaign was solid, the idea was good, it would sell
their boring shit. As soon as I was done, I turned around to gauge my audience's reaction.

They all seemed to be nodding and smiling. That's when I caught sight of the one face that wasn't smiling, just
staring up at me with a look of hatred on his face. I know my face must have registered shock, but I sucked in a
small breathe and smiled again looking at everyone else in the room, trying to avoid Craig Taylor's glares.

The meeting broke up soon after the company's president proclaimed. "Mr. Kinney, you've got yourself a new
account." The customary handshaking over with, they began to leave and I busied myself by gathering up the
materials I'd just gone over with them.

The room was quiet now and I sat down completely drained. Lack of sleep for the last three weeks coupled by the
sight of Justin's father was almost more than I could even take.

Our history together was pretty hostile. This was the man that slammed his car into my jeep, and then backed it up
so he could slam into it again. The man that sucker punched me to the ground then kicked the hell out of me.

The last time I'd laid eyes on that man, was the day he basically told Justin he'd have to live a lie and deny who he
was if he were going to stay in their house. There was no way in hell I was going to leave him there. 'That's not love,
that's hate.' How could he hate Justin? Justin was perfect. Couldn't he see that? Sure hate me, that's fine, I don't give
a shit, but Justin did give a shit. I'm sure if you asked him today, 'he can't answer today...' that thought hit me pretty
hard... Shit... I'm sure he'd tell you he still cared about his father.

I shook my head trying to push the memories away. When I looked up I was shocked to see him still sitting there. I
stood up and glanced his way.

"Is there something else I can do for you?" I said it coldly. He was in my house now, so to speak.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't, he just stared at me. I glared back at him. This asshole
didn't intimidate me. By my calculations, I still owed him an ass kicking, but I wasn't going to act on it.

"You still fucking disgust me..." He said it angrily and looked as if he wanted to hit me again.

"And YOU disgust me." I knew I wanted to hit him. Beat the hell out of him, scream at him. Tell him how much
he'd hurt Justin. Tell him that Justin might not ever wake up again, and then it'd be too late. He'd never have a
chance to change what he's done. Never be able to let him know that he cared.

My own thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Shit, I could have been talking to myself. 'If he never wakes up.' Does
he know that I care? Has he ever figured out that I did this for him?

I refuse to be in the same room with Craig for another second. I bolted out the door and headed to the men's room. I
stood in front of the sinks, staring into the mirror at myself. I splashed a little water on my face and closed my eyes.
Mikey was right, I look like shit.

I stopped by my office long enough to grab my jacket and let Cynthia know I was leaving for the day. I needed some
sleep, and some time alone to think.


I was exhausted as I drove home. Just a few more blocks and I'd be there. At least traffic was light, one of the perks
of leaving work early I suppose. I saw Lindsay's car parked outside of my loft. I parked behind her car and hoped
that it was just a car like hers, not that I don't love her; I just want to be alone right now.

It was her all right; she'd left the loft door cracked open. I stepped inside, but didn't feel up to my usual snide
remarks, well maybe just one.

"Trying to rob the place while I'm at work?"

She was in the kitchen and she jumped at the sound of my voice. Turning and smiling she gestured a bag on the
counter.

"I brought you some dinner." She pulled a casserole dish out and placed it in the oven. "Shouldn't take long to warm
up, I thought you might be hungry. Why are you home so early?"

I'd continued walking as she talked. From the bedroom where I was changing I answered her. "Slow afternoon,
decided to cut out early and get some beauty rest before I hit the clubs tonight."

"Brian, you haven't been to the clubs in years."

"Well maybe tonight I'm going." I came out of the bedroom wearing a pair of black sweatpants and sat down at the
counter. Lindsay opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water for me. I shook my head no so she placed it
back on the shelf. Instead I slid a bottle of Jim Beam over and poured myself a small glass.

"Ahhh, Hard liquor in the afternoon. Tough day?"

"Tough life." I murmured back at her. I saw her looking at me full of worry. A sort of sad smile crossed my face.
"Don't feel sorry for me Lindz..."

"I'm not. I just want you to be happy." I almost laughed at that. Happy? When had I ever been happy? With him...
Shit! I poured myself a little more and drank it down quickly.

"Shouldn't you be home baking cookies for our son? Doesn't he need an after school snack or something?" Maybe I
could be just sarcastic enough to get her to leave, without totally offending her.

Christ, now she's laughing at me. I cock an eyebrow at her and wait for some indication as to what caused that little
outburst of giggling.

"Eat a cookie? Are you serious? He's afraid he'll gain an ounce. He's truly your son Brian."

"Since when?" This little bit of news shocked me.

"Hmm.. For a few weeks now. He eats like a bird, says he doesn't want to gain any weight."

"Are you kidding me? He usually eats like a horse; I don't know anyone that eats like that boy. Except for maybe
Justin, when he was his age." I sighed and didn't even try to hide the look of pain I felt just then, saying his name.

"Brian I'm sure it's just a phase. Kids go through them all the time. Remember when he decided he was only going
to eat foods that were green?"

I laughed remembering how serious Gus had been when he'd made that statement. He was about 6 years old and
green was his favorite color. He was only going to wear green clothes, eat green food, everything had to be green.
Lindsay had been frantic; worried that he wouldn't get enough protein or calcium. It lasted about a week.

He was spending the weekend with us, and Justin made him up his own special dinner. Brussel sprouts, broccoli,
green beans and green Jello. Then he made Gus's favorite dessert, German chocolate cake. When Gus wanted a
piece, Justin just laughed and said "Nope, sorry Gus. It's not green." That was all it took. He decided right then that
maybe green wasn't the only color of food he'd eat. Justin was always good with him, I thought and smiled.

"So it's no big deal." I heard Lindsay saying it, but I wasn't convinced. It just didn't seem like the kid I knew. "You'll
see for yourself, he's coming over to eat dinner with you tonight. Mel and I are going out to dinner, and since I had
to cook for him anyway and I hate for him to eat alone, we decided I'd bring it over here and get it ready for the two
of you."

I nodded aimlessly at her. My damn thoughts stuck back on Justin again. I felt her pull the glass I was holding out of
my hands.

"So I'd appreciate it, if you'd lay off of this for now. Gus doesn't need to see you drinking yourself into oblivion." I
glared at her.

"Oblivion? I had one fuckin' drink after work."

"Two" She corrected me. "and from the look on your face. I don't think you were planning on making it your last.
What's going on with you Brian?"

"Nothing." I said standing up and crossing the room. "How long until dinner is ready?"

She sighed. "Another twenty minutes should do it. Gus should be here by then."

I nodded. She knew she wasn't going to get much more conversation out of me and started to gather up her things.
She came over and kissed my cheek softly. "Well I'd better be going. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I nodded again and
she left.

I pulled my legs up on the sofa and hugged them with my arms, my head dropped down on my knees and I sighed.
It's weird, it's times like these when I miss him the most. When I'm scared, yeah I admit I'm scared to death. I don't
think he's going wake up this time. He doesn't look good. He's so pale so fragile. I haven't been able to get that
image out of my mind. It's times like these when I need him to comfort me, reassure me that everything is going to
be fine. Again, it's all about me, isn't it? I need him... Christ how selfish can I get? He's the one that's hurt. I just sit
with my eyes closed trying to push the thoughts of him out of my head.

I hear Gus as he comes into the loft and I stand up. "Hey sonny boy. Dinner should be ready now." I look over as I'm
walking toward the kitchen and something seems off about Gus. I can't put my finger on it, so I keep my eyes on
him.

He shrugs off his book bag and his jacket. He's nearly as tall as I am but he looks small right now, his shoulders are
slumped forward. He looks almost as tired as I feel. I serve up two plates of Lindsay's chicken casserole masterpiece
and take them over to the table. Gus sits down and picks up his fork without saying a word. A sad silence hangs in
the air as both of us spend more time shifting the food around on our plates, than actually eating.


I guess I really didn't want to be alone, because now that Gus is here I'm feeling a little calmer. We've avoided the
subject of Justin all night, and for now I think that's for the best.

He put in a video after we were done eating, we haven't really talked much, but that's okay. The semi-silence is
calming. Knowing that someone else is there if either one of us needs to talk is comforting. He looks so tired, and
twice I've caught him nearly falling asleep but jerking himself back awake at the last possible second.

His voice is quiet, but I hear him all the same as he asks. "Do you think it would be okay if I stayed over tonight?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I stood up and went into the kitchen. "You can stay, just call and let your mothers know." He
nodded and we fell back into the silence.

I started putting the leftovers away, and then began washing the dishes we'd used for dinner. I noticed that the
casserole and both of our plates looked nearly untouched. I look in at Gus. He's stretched out on the sofa now and
yawning. I feel the contagious nature of his yawn take over in me; before I busy myself again with the kitchen clean
up.

When I'm done, I notice he's fallen asleep. I pick up the phone and dial Lindsay and Mel's house. I get the machine.

"Hi we're not home right now. Leave a message and we'll call you back. Bye!"

"Hey Linz. Sonny boy is going to crash here tonight. He's asleep already. I'll talk to you later."

With that done, I go in and take a quick shower. I have to get ready to go out. I suppose I could go see Mikey and
the guys at Woody's. Yeah, that's what I'll do; at least that's what I tell myself I'll do.

I leave a note for Gus, in case he wakes up, and wonders where I've gone. I let him know I've got my cell with me,
in case he needs me for anything. I stop before leaving and stand over him for a few minutes, watching him sleep. I
grab a blanket from the bedroom and cover him, and then I leave him alone in the loft.

I do actually make it to Woody's. I even park the jeep and get out. I'm halfway up the stairs, but then I find myself
turning around and walking back to my jeep. I know where I'm going, where I've actually been planning to go all
night. Same place as always.

That's when I hear Mikey's voice "Brian! Brian!" I stop and turn around.

"I didn't think you'd come."

"I said I would. Didn't I?"

"Why are you headed the wrong way then?"

"I... I think I forgot to lock the door." Mikey stood watching as I pretended to go check the locks on the jeep doors. I
didn't want to be here. I want to go check on Justin, but now I'm stuck.

We head into Woody's and Emmett and Ted are holding down two bar stools as we approach them. Ted makes some
stupid remark, I'm not listening. Emmett puts his hand out and is touching me, I'm ignoring him as well. Mikey
hands me a drink and I scan the room instinctively. No one catches my eye, doesn't matter anyway, I'm not planning
on staying much longer anyway. The three of them are exchanging stories, talking, whatever, and I'm almost
pretending to pay attention. That's when I hear it.

"It's not like Brian even cares." I shoot them all one of my most pissed off looks.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I'm not sure which one of them even said it, their voices weren't really registering. I had my mind on other things, on
Justin actually. From the look on Ted's face, I'm pretty sure he's the one that had been speaking. Emmett is looking
at me with worried eyes now.

"Ted?"

He fumbles a little for his words. That's not unusual for Ted. Then he seems to pick up some confidence.

"We're talking about Justin. It's not like you care anymore. You threw him away years ago."

Well it's nice to know everyone has bought my act. I've been playing it well; I'd probably be content with that
knowledge if it had come a month ago.

Emmett chimes in now. "He's not doing good Brian. Did you know that? Has anyone told you?"

I look at him blankly. Has anyone told me? I see if for myself every night.

"What does he care Emmett? You know how he's treated Justin for the last ten years. It's like he's already dead to
him."

I clench my jaw and hold back everything inside of me. Right now I'm so fucking close to tears I can't even believe
it. I'm also so damn close to knocking Ted out that I'm doing my best to stay in control.

"He's not dead." It comes out as a whisper and I put my beer down on the bar and just walk toward the exit. I can
hear Mikey and Emmett trying to call me back to them. I even hear Ted apologizing.

I'm fumbling with my car keys in the lock. Why the fuck did I even come here? As I get inside of the jeep I sit and
try to get my emotions back in check. A few hundred deep breaths and I'm almost okay. I won't be okay until I see
him.

I just stare in the window, watching as he sleeps. I talk to him in my mind.

'Hey Justin. I saw your dad today. You should have been there. He still fuckin' hates me. It all evens out though,
because I still hate him too. I know I know. You don't want to hear it. Don't want me to say anything bad about him.
I'll never get that. He's a prick, just like my old man.'

It's strange, just talking to him in my head, I feel like he's answering me, but I know he isn't. He's just laying there
breathing. At least he's breathing on his own, that first night he was hooked up to a ventilator, just after he got out of
surgery. I swear seeing him like that I thought for sure he was going to die, but he pulled through that, even when
the doctors didn't think he would. Now I just wish he'd pull himself out of this coma.

I can't stand being out here. I need to be closer so I go inside the room. I stand close to the door. Yeah this is better. I
lean back against the wall and watch him. Ted's words are stuck in my head.

Some time later a nurse comes in and checks on him. She changes his IV and motions to the chair next to the bed.

"You might as well sit. You're not really holding that wall up you know?"

I do as she says and find myself sitting next to him.

"You know, a lot of people believe that they can hear you. Why don't you talk to him. You've obviously got a lot on
your mind. It shows all over your face. It might help you both." With those words of wisdom she leaves.

"I don't know if she's right Justin. Is she? Can you hear me?"

I watch his face and know I won't get an answer from him. I'm not really expecting one, just hoping I guess.

"I didn't just throw you away. I just didn't want to hurt you anymore."

I take his hand in mine, and look down at his face.

"I did what I had to do. Do you know how bad it hurt?"

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before continuing.

"I just wanted to see you happy. I hated seeing the hurt in your eyes all the time. Almost the same look I use to see
in my mother's eyes when my father disappointed her time after time."

I put his hand to my lips and kissed his fingers lightly.

"I hated knowing that I kept hurting you over and over. You were so young, too young to be miserable all the time. I
didn't want to do to you what he did to her. I didn't want you to grow old and be miserable."

I couldn't continue. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry." It's whispered. I lay my chin down on the bed and just stare up at him.

"I miss you so much."

I just sit there now, staring up at him and holding onto his hand. A new nurse comes in and that signals to me that
it's nearly morning. I'm going to have to leave. I wait until she's gone before I get up. I lightly brush my lips against
his, it's something I haven't done in so long, but it feels so right.

"Just fight Justin... please?"

I walk down the hallway and notice that it's not nearly as late or early, as I'd assumed. I might still be able to get
some sleep tonight. After talking to Justin, I felt like maybe I could sleep a little. Even if he hadn't heard me, I still
felt like we'd resolved something. I should have told him all of those things ten years ago.

I never should have let him feel thrown away. I knew that's where Ted had heard the thrown away comment. From
either Justin himself, or Emmett, it was definitely something he would have said. I shake my head trying not to think
about it.


I enter the loft and it's quiet. Gus is still sleeping on the sofa. He doesn't look like he's moved an inch. I lock up and
head toward my bedroom. My eyes feel so damn heavy. I haven't really slept in three weeks and now that I know I
can, I suddenly feel exhausted.

I drift off to sleep. My mind loves to play games with me when I'm not in control, but tonight at least my mind is
being kind. I'm dreaming of Justin. He's standing under a streetlamp outside of Babylon. Now I'm talking to him...
that whole first night is replaying for me while I sleep. I'm just about to take Justin for the first time when something
wakes me. I sit up and look around disoriented, almost expecting to see Justin there with me.

I look out into the loft and I see Gus thrashing around on the sofa. The blanket I covered him with earlier is all
twisted around him and he's struggling with it in his sleep. He's beginning to make sounds now. He's moaning, no
groaning, and then he's yelling. I hear him scream out "JUSTIN!!!!!!"

I jump out of bed and rush out to him. He's still asleep and frantic. I can remember the nightmares I had after Justin's
prom. I push that out of my mind.

"Gus! GUS!" I shake him slightly and his eyes open. He's looking at me wildly and disoriented. He sits straight up
and looks ready to attack. I sit down next to him and put my arm around him.

"It's okay Gus. It's just a dream. Relax."

He's choking back a sob and I pull him into my arms.

"Shhhhh. Sonny boy, it's okay. It's okay."

I'm petting his hair trying to comfort him. He's shaking his head and still crying, but he's holding onto me tight.

"Gus."

He won't look at me. He's shaking and holding onto me. I just let him cry for awhile, until his breathing starts to
calm down some.

"Gus."

He looks up at me, pulling away a little.

"It's okay." My eyes are searching his face hoping to see that he's okay now.

"No it's not." He's looking away from me, won't let my eyes lock onto his.

"Yes it is." I take his chin in my hand and force our eyes to meet. He seems to break a little.

"I couldn't stop it dad."

I nod and hug him again. He sobs once more. He's hurting so much and I'm not sure what to do to help him. The
truth is the only thing I know, so I use it.

"I know you couldn't stop it, but it's not your fault."

He chokes back a sob and looks up at me finally. He looks like he's going to crumble.

"What if he dies?"

I take in a deep breath. 'What if he dies?' I think it myself and I want to crumble, but I can't I have to do this for Gus.
I have to reassure him, maybe even reassure myself.

"He's not going to die."

He looks away now and speaks quietly, as if he doesn't want me to hear him.

"He might."

My voice is slightly louder than his as I answer him.

"He won't"

Gus stands up and walks over to the window. He stares out into the street for a long time before he says anything.
I'm at a loss for words, so I just watch him. I know that sometimes silence is the best thing for a person.

"I see it every night." He turns and looks at me. I realize now why he's not eating. Hell he's not even sleeping really.
How had I missed this? How had Lindsay missed it?

"I even try not to fall asleep at night, so that it won't happen again in my head." He holds his head in his hands as if
he's trying to literally push what happened out of it.

"You've had nightmares every night since it happened?"

He nodded. I could see his pattern now.

"So you wake up and go to the hospital?"

He nods again and looks at the door.

"Do you want to go now?" I look at the clock, it's almost 5:00 AM.

"I have to." He says it with such conviction.

"What do you mean? You have to?"

He starts to sob again quietly. I get off the sofa and hold him while he cries. He's so sensitive like Lindsay and
Justin. I almost envy the way he can share his feelings so easily.

"I have to... I have to see that he's not dead. He always dies in my dreams."

I let my arms fall to my sides and I turn around.

"Dad? You okay?"

With my back to him, I smile a little. There he is trying to take care of me now.

"I'm fine sonny boy. Get ready and we'll go to the hospital."

I start to walk toward my bedroom but Gus stops me. He has his hand on my shoulder. I look back at him.

"He loves you."

I nod. "I know."

"Do you know what he said to me?"

"When?"

"That night."

"What did he say?"

"He told me that he'd never been happier than when he was with you. He remembers all the good times. He
remembers everything you shared."

"There were some good times, but the bad times outweighed the good Gus. That's why I let him go."

"Did you even talk to him? Do you know how he felt?"

"There was nothing to talk about Gus. It had to end."

"You're so fucking selfish."

I'm shocked by his words.

"Now you sound like Mel. I'm not as fucking selfish as everyone wants to believe. Pushing him away was the most
unselfish thing I've ever done. Do you think it's what I wanted?"

He looks at me like a child and starts to cry again. "Then why? WHY?"

"I've told you Gus..." I started.

"...it's for the best." He finishes my sentence with me.

"Forget it! If you want to live your life alone and miserable that's fine! FUCK IT! Why the hell should I care?"

He storms past me and goes into the bathroom. I slowly climb the stairs to my bedroom and change into something
suitable to wear to the hospital. I then head into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee for myself.

Gus finally emerges from the bathroom as I'm finishing my second cup. He's looking at the floor almost
embarrassed.

"You ready, sonnyboy?"

He looks up at me and nods.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"What for?" I smile to let him know that nothing has changed between us, that I understand his anger.

"For being a drama princess."

He gives me an almost smile and I reach out to hug him.

"Come on... Let's go see Justin."

As we approached the door to Justin's room, I slowed down a bit. Gus stopped a few feet ahead of me and turned
around. His eyes were questioning. I cleared my throat and looked around trying to find something to fix my eyes
on, finding nothing I looked down at the floor.

I couldn't explain it, the feeling of dread and hopelessness that had overwhelmed me as soon as we'd gotten within a
few blocks of the hospital. I'd wanted to turn the Jeep around and get as far away from there as possible, but I'd
promised Gus, so this was where we had to be.

"I'm going to wait out here. Give you some time alone with him."

Gus shook his head in protest. "Please come with me?" He looked scared.

I nodded and followed him as he entered Justin's room. I cringed when I saw Justin's face, it was twisted in pain. His
breathing seemed erratic and I knew immediately he was having a nightmare.

Gus stopped at the door and he suddenly got pale. I could see him wobble a little as he tried to back up and nearly
fell into me. I put my arms out and steadied him.

"Sonny boy? Are you alright?"

He was nodding but he didn't look right.

"I think I'm going to pass out."

I moved him over to a chair in the corner of the room and made him put his head between his knees. I'd seen
someone do that once on a television show and it seemed to help. After a few minutes he sat back up and looked at
me, he still seemed a little dazed.

"Are you okay Gus?"

He nodded again, and this time I was able to believe him a little more.

"I'm going to get you some juice or something."

Gus nodded and stared over at Justin. I started for the door, but found myself pulling toward Justin's bed. He was so
frantic in his nightmare. I wanted to comfort him too. I put my hand on his face and gently caressed his cheek.

"It's okay sunshine. You're okay now."

My face was right next to his as I whispered into his ear.

"Nothing's going to hurt you."

His face took on an almost calm look again and I could feel his breath on my cheek as it started to resemble
something closer to normal. I looked up and saw Gus watching. He smiled a little and I remembered the juice that I
was going to get for him. I walked toward the door and looked back in at my boys.

"I'll be right back."

Gus slowly got to his feet and I saw him move the chair he was in closer to Justin's bed. He placed his hand on
Justin's arm and patted it softly. I watched for a few moments from the window, just to make sure they were both
alright, and then I quickly went to get some juice for Gus.

As I opened the door I heard the last of what Gus had been saying.

"...and I know he still does."

I didn't want to think about what he might be saying to Justin. It probably wouldn't have bothered me before, since
Justin couldn't hear him, only now I wasn't sure. The way he'd calmed down when I talked to him... I knew he could
hear us now.

I handed the juice to Gus and stood next to him and watched until I was sure he'd finish it all. My eyes then focused
on Justin's face. He looked a little older, I suppose it's the first time I'd actually noticed. Instinctively I reached out
and pushed back his bangs, he needed a haircut. I caught Gus looking up at me and I turned away.

We stayed there in silence for quite a long time.

My thoughts drifted back to one of the last times I'd seen Justin before this happened. I'd stopped in to the diner to
get a sandwich on the way home from work. I'd sat down at the counter and given my order to some kid. As I sat
there waiting the door opened. Of course I knew before I looked up that Justin would be walking in. I always knew
when he walked into a room.

The sight of him had taken my breath away for a second. He had on an old pair of torn jeans and a blue sweatshirt so
faded and old that the sleeves were fraying in spots. Of course it was splashed with different shades of paint;
probably from whatever masterpiece he'd just finished painting.

My order was placed in front of me and I tossed some money down on the counter. We passed each other as I was
heading toward the door. My eyes caught his and I slowed down instinctively.

"Hey Brian." He always spoke first and it always caught me off guard when he did.

"Hey." I stood there uncomfortably.

"How've you been?" His eyes were locked with mine, and I wanted to turn away.

"Good." I still felt uncomfortable around him. I don't know how he can stand there and be polite. 'I'm the guy that
hurt you?' I want to scream. Instead I continue this small talk.

"You?"

"I'm good." He smiled that damn smile at me and I had to look away.

"That's good." Christ how many times can the word good be used in one conversation?

"You look good Brian." I smiled.

"So do you." He laughed and pointed at his shirt.

"I look like shit. I was working; I got hungry and decided I didn't care what I looked like I needed some food." He
grinned again.

"You look good Justin." 'Shut up Brian' I told myself "Listen, I've got to go. It was good seeing you."

"Yeah. Good to see you too." And that was how we'd left it, at 'good'. That was pretty much the way any
conversation we'd had in the last ten years had gone, just small talk and discomfort.

I pulled myself out of my little trip down memory lane, and stared out the window.

Gus kept fidgeting with the blanket on the bed. Gus started sniffling and I knew before I looked at him that he was
crying. His face focused on Justin. In all of his seventeen years I'd never seen my son like this. He was inconsolable,
he looked absolutely devastated. He stood up quickly and started toward the door.

"Hey?"

He turned.

"Do you want to leave?"

He shook his head.

"I just need a few minutes away."

I nodded and watched him walk out into the hallway. I took his place in the chair next to Justin's bed and found
myself instinctively lacing my fingers with his.

"You need to wake up Justin. I need your help. Gus is... he's not taking this too well. He's cracking. He feels so
damn guilty about you getting hurt. Wake up and let him know that it's okay. Let him know you're okay. Tell him it
isn't his fault."

I watched his face, actually expecting his eyes to open. I was expecting him to be there for Gus, he couldn't let Gus
down, but his face remained the same. His eyes closed. His breathing was the only sound in the room now.

"Help me Justin. Damnit! I need you. You always know what to do, especially with Gus. Help me Justin, please."

I stared at him, willing him to wake up. Then I felt his fingers tighten against mine. I looked down my eyes open
wide and unbelieving. I couldn't see any movement, but I could feel it ever so slightly.

"Come on Justin. You can do this. Open your eyes."

The door behind me opened and I turned expecting to see Gus, instead I was greeted by the sight of a nurse. I clear
my throat.

"He moved his fingers."

She smiled at me sadly.

"It's just a reflex, don't get your hopes up. It happens all the time."

I shook my head not believing her.

"No. It's not a reflex."

She ignored me and continued about doing her job. She left the room as I stared at Justin's fingers.

"Can you hear me Justin?"

I waited. Then I felt it again.

"I knew it."

Gus opened the door and came around beside me.

"I brought you some coffee."

I gesture toward the nightstand next to Justin's bed. He sets it down and I see him rub his eyes sleepily.

"You ready to go?"

He nods. I'm still holding onto Justin's fingers and I can't let them go. I pull the keys to the Jeep out of my pocket
with my other hand and give them to him. He looks at me questioningly.

"Go ahead. Take the Jeep. Go back to the loft and get some sleep."

He doesn't move, just stares at me.

"I'm staying here."

I feel Justin's fingers move again against mine.

"I'll just take a cab to work. You can take the Jeep to school."

He doesn't argue and I'm sure it's from lack of sleep. He hugs me and kisses my cheek. Then he leans over and
touches Justin's shoulder lightly as if to reassure himself that Justin is still there.

He leaves and as the door closes behind him I move my chair closer to the bed. I speak softly and just keep repeating
his name to let him know that I'm here and I'm waiting for him to wake up.

"Justin..."

"Justin..."

"Justin..."


It was sometime around noon when I realized that I hadn't gone to work or even called to let them know that I
wouldn't be in. I wasn't sure what surprised me more, the fact that I'd forgotten about my responsibilities or the fact
that no one else had been in to see Justin yet. I needed to get up and stretch, my legs were cramped and my neck felt
stiff.

"I'll be back sunshine." I told him as I stood up and finally let my fingers break their contact with his.

I went outside and lit a cigarette, and then turned my cell phone on. Ignoring the message light, I dialed the office
and talked to Cynthia. She'd already covered for me, telling the other partners that I'd called in sick. What would I
do without her?

Turning off the phone I took another hit off my cigarette before crushing it out and heading back inside. I wanted to
be there when Justin's doctor came in. I had some questions and I knew he'd have the answers.

I'd only been back a few minutes when the door behind me opened. I turned and saw Melanie walking in; she
stopped and stared at me in shock.

"Brian, what are you doing here?"

"Holding Justin's fucking hand. What does it look like?"

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she looked over and saw his hand in mine.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" She was taking in my appearance. I was sure that I was a sight.

"I called in sick."

"How long have you been here?"

"Since last night." She was starting to get on my nerves with her twenty questions.

"Where's Gus?" She asked remembering that he'd stayed with me last night.

"I'm assuming he's at school."

"You don't KNOW?"

"Christ Melanie, he's seventeen years old. I don't think he needs an escort to school. He can get there just fine on his
own."

"Irresponsible." I hear her mutter under her breath.

"Whatever." I shoot back at her. I feel Justin's fingers tighten slightly against mine again.

"He's waking up." I say it quietly, I need for someone else to believe it, but I'm not sure that Melanie is the person I
want to share my news with.

"What?" She looks at me like I'm insane.

"Brian...." She seems to be at a loss for words.

"I'm sure of it Mel."

"How can you be sure of it? He looks the same to me."

I shake my head.

"His fingers... I can feel them moving..." She puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Brian, the doctor already explained to us that it's just a reflex when he moves like that."

I shake my head.

"I can feel it ok?"

"I know you can... because I've felt it too. His fingers twitch, his legs, he moves his head... but that's been happening
since the beginning. It's only a reflex Brian."

"No Mel, I mean I can feel it inside of me. I know he's waking up don't ask me to explain it, it's just something that I
know."

"Maybe ten years ago, I would have believed that. You two hardly even speak now. You want me to believe that you
still have that kind of connection?"

I wince at her words. She doesn't know how I feel and it's none of her damn business. I change the subject and give
her my best hardened look.

"Do you know Gus is having nightmares?"

"What?"

"Every night, every damn night, I saw him last night, he woke up terrified. What kind of mother doesn't even notice
that? He's not eating... and you and Lindsay don't even see that for what it is. He's a fucking wreck."

"So you leave him alone and come here?" She's staring at me with an angry disbelieving look about her.

"No, I didn't leave him alone. I brought him here after he calmed down. He wanted to... no needed to see Justin he
said. I've been here ever since, and what I want to know is, where in the hell is everyone? What if he wakes up
alone? Doesn't anyone care?"


"Fuck you Brian. WE care. We've worked out a schedule. Lindsay comes on Monday, Michael takes Tuesday,
Emmett's here on Wednesday, I handle Thursday, Ted checks on him on Friday and we all take shifts during the
weekend. We've been here for him since day one. You show up last night and suddenly you want to know what's
going on. We have it handled Brian.... SO FUCK YOU!!!!!"

"NO FUCK YOU, MEL. You come in for what? Ten minutes, an hour?"

"It's more than you've been here." I can feel myself starting to shake. I'm losing control probably from three weeks
of sleep deprivation, or maybe it's her words that are hitting me.

"Is IT?" I scream back at her. My voice sounds strange, almost like it's not me talking. What the fuck does she
know? I've been here since the first night and I've spent a hell of a lot more time here than any of them put together.

"Christ! I've been here Mel every single night. I've spent more time here than ANY of you. So fuck off! Even Gus is
here more than any of you. He comes down every morning and sits with Justin before school. He fuckin' cares. Why
don't his friends?"

She looks at me and her face softens. It must be because I've mentioned our son, I'm not sure, but I'm not really
liking the way she's looking at me. She takes in a deep breath and comes over to me. I feel her leading me toward
the chair I was sitting in. I sit down exhausted. She hands me a Kleenex and I'm not sure why.

"Wipe your tears tough guy. I won't tell anyone."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I look at her confused.

"Just wipe your eyes Brian." I do as she says and we sit there in silence. I take Justin's hand in mine again and just
stare at him. I must be losing my mind now, because I'm positive that his eyes are open.

"Mel?"

"Yeah Brian?" She's still watching me in that concerned motherly way she watches Gus.

"Look." I say, never taking my eyes off of Justin.

"Oh my God." She's moving closer to the bed now.

"You see it too?" She's nodding as I look up at her.

"Justin. Can you hear me?" I'm standing above him now, making sure that I'm in his line of sight. His eyes are open
and he's just staring straight ahead. His head turns a little almost as if he's trying to get a better look at us.

"Justin, sweetie we're here for you." Melanie is standing right next to me. She's rubbing his shoulder now in the
same fashion that I'm rubbing his hand. Anything to let him know we're there.

He doesn't say a word, just blinks and looks confused. After about five minutes he closes his eyes and appears to be
sleeping again. My legs won't let me stand any longer and I fall back into the chair next to him.

"I fucking told you."

"Yeah. You did."

"He's waking up Mel. Where in the hell is his doctor?"

"Maybe I should go get someone."

I nod and just watch Justin sleeping as Melanie goes off toward the nurses station.


Things with Justin moved pretty slowly for the next two weeks. I had plenty of vacation time saved up and I took an
open ended vacation/leave of absence. I couldn't handle the thought that Justin would be alone. So I arranged my life
accordingly and now he wouldn't be.

I'm sitting next to his bed. It's become my second home now, this chair and this room. I find myself talking to him a
lot when no one else is around. Who knew I had so many things to tell him? So much that I wanted to say. Gus is
here every morning and every afternoon. He comes straight from school and sits with me and talks.

I'm starting to think his morning visit is just for Justin and the afternoon visit is to see me. He brings me things every
day, coffee, a magazine, or newspapers. He's a great kid and I know I'm damn lucky to have him.

Melanie and Lindsay seem to be spending more time here than that damn schedule Melanie told me about. They're
here every day as well, sometimes coming separately and other times showing up together. Emmett, Ted, and
Michael have even put in an extra appearance this week.

I can't help but wonder if they're here for Justin or for me. I seem to be getting a lot of their attention and I don't
want it. I just want Justin to wake up and speak. The doctor explained that this was completely normal behavior. Not
a reflex this time, but his actual awakening. He told me that Justin would be in and out of consciousness. He was
right. At first his eyes would open only for a few minutes at a time followed by several hours of sleep. Gradually the
'awake' time would start to be longer and the sleep time somewhat shorter. As it was now he was averaging about a
half an hour of consciousness to every four hours of sleep. He still hasn't spoken, but I've felt him acknowledge my
presence with the slight squeezing of his finger tips.

He's asleep right now and he has been for twenty minutes. I yawn and close my eyes trying to grab a few minutes of
sleep for myself. I hear the door open, but decide to feign sleep for now.

It's Melanie and Lindsay. I hear Melanie shush Lindsay when she sees that I'm asleep too.

"God he must be exhausted." Melanie whispered to Lindsay.

"Maybe we could convince him to go home for a little while to get some real sleep." I can feel a blanket being
placed over top of me.

"Like we've been trying to do everyday?"

"Well, it's worked twice now hasn't it?"

"He didn't sleep. He went home and showered and was back within the hour."

"Mel, it's not healthy for him to be here constantly. He has to get away from it for a little while don't you think?"

Even if I wanted to sleep now I couldn't with their damn whispering. So I shift my weight in the chair and open my
eyes. I yawn for effect and sit up staring at them.

"This is a hospital. Don't you know you're supposed to be quiet?" I ask them with a smirk on my face.

Lindsay seems to be hovering over me now. "Brian honey, why don't you go home for a little while? Get some
sleep; you're not going to do Justin any good if you're completely exhausted."

I push the blanket off me and stand to stretch my legs. I look down at Justin and then over at her and Melanie.

"We'll stay while you're gone. He won't be alone, I promise."

"I could use a shower." I said and turned my attention back to Justin.

Lindsay was up and ushering me toward the door.

"Then it's settled. We'll stay and you go take care of Brian for a little while. Please try to get a little sleep. Just lay
down for an hour or so, okay?"

I nod but she knows I'll be back before Justin wakes up again.

The ride home from the hospital takes too long. I begin to feel anxious and nearly turn the jeep around to go back
before I even make it halfway there. Knowing that Lindsay will just usher me out again is the only thing that makes
me keep going toward the loft.

Parking the jeep out front I enter the building and race up the stairs taking them two at a time. The quicker I shower
and change, the sooner I'll be back at the hospital. Upon opening the door I see Gus sitting on the floor, a mess of
papers, markers, paints, and other miscellaneous supplies surrounding him.

"You're supposed to be in school." He looks up at me surprised.

"I have a good reason." He's no longer looking up at me; he's busy drawing circles or something on one of the sheets
of paper.

"I'm sure you do." I notice all of the papers have some kind of pattern about them some with squares others just
colors splashes in a similar shape.

"Clean up this mess. What the hell? Did your backpack explode? I'm going to take a shower. We talk as soon as I'm
done. Don't. Go. Anywhere." The last three words are spoken slowly and forcefully so that he knows I'm serious.

Gus nods but continues working. I shower within record time and get dressed quickly before heading back out to see
what Gus has to say for himself. Christ, he is having a mental breakdown. Here he is drawing and painting like he
did when he was six years old.

I sit down on the sofa and Gus comes over and sits beside me. He's looking at me trying to guess my mood. My only
mood right now is 'exhausted' but I'm not sure that's considered a mood. I'm tired as hell, but I know I can't sleep.

Justin needs me. Someone had to take charge where he was concerned and no one else was getting the job done
before I'd stepped in. I'll sleep when he's finally awake and aware of his surroundings, until then I can't.

Gus needs me now too. He's finally cracked and seems to be reverting back to a happier time and place in his life.
The scene I'd walked in on, him in the floor drawing, coloring, and painting. It's one I'd seen at least a hundred times
before. From the time Gus could hold a crayon and scribble, Justin was always in the floor with him drawing. Every
single time Gus stayed with us, when we lived together, I could count on finding them right in the same spot I'd
found Gus today, laughing and creating when I'd get home from work.

I take a deep breath and push the memories away. Right now every memory is too close to the surface and I need to
hold them back. I need to be the strong one. I have to fix everyone and make everything go back to normal.

"So why aren't you at school?" I ask him quietly because I am after all; sure that he's losing his grip on reality.

"Dad..." Now he's talking to me in that same quiet tone, like he's worried about me. "We all want Justin to get better
right?"

I nod not sure where he's going with this. Maybe it's a tactic to get me to forget that he's cutting classes and hiding
out in my loft.

"Of course, but you skipping school isn't going to help."

"Yes it will." He looks at me and smiles.

"What?" I can't believe this. He thinks skipping school is going to make Justin well.

"Just listen to me, okay?"

I nod and throw my hands up, ready to hear his explanation.

"I'm listening."

"I was doing some research for my history paper today at school. I was in the library checking some things out
online."

Okay he did actually go to school today. That's a good sign.

"So I got done with my research early, and I still had half an hour left before my next class." He takes a deep breath
and watches me closely. "I did a search on brain injuries."

I feel myself wince and let out a long breath. I'm fine with everything as long as we say, 'Justin got hurt' or 'the
accident' but somehow those two words 'brain injury' send a knife through my gut.

He puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I know it's going to take time for Justin to recover, but I read this article written by some doctor and what he said
made a lot of sense."

I raise my eyebrows wanting him to continue.

"Think about that hospital room. What's the first thing that comes to mind?"

"White." The walls, the sheets, and the blankets, everything is so sterile looking.

"Exactly Dad." He's smiling proudly now as if that explains it all.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Justin. His eyes are open, but he's not focusing on anything. There's nothing TO focus on. That
doctor in the article said that the brain is capable of so much, that even doctors don't understand its full potential.
That it's possible for it to find new pathways to process information like it use to, but to do that, the brain has to be
stimulated."

I smile listening to him. He's not cracking up, not losing his mind. He's focusing on helping Justin and I think that
just may be exactly what he needs to do.

"Keep going." I tell him.

He stands up and begins holding up the pages he's designed.

"The patterns and the colors they'll stimulate his mind."

He heads into the kitchen and grabs a box of crackers out of the cupboard. He opens it and starts munching on them
while he lets me process all of this.

"Want some?" He asks holding them out toward me.

I shake my head and look down at the paintings Gus has done already. He's back on the floor now and has the paint
open once again. I get up and stand behind him, wondering if he just might be onto something here. I take the box of
crackers and set it on the counter.

"You hungry?" He nods as he continues splattering paint all over the place.

I smile. He's eating again, that's a good sign.

"I'll order some takeout." I say as I pick up a menu.

"No Thai or Chinese." He scrunches up his nose. "Get pizza."

"Pepperoni with extra cheese?"

He nods as I place the call. After hanging up I find myself on the floor next to him and together we create pages
upon pages of 'art' in hopes of stimulating Justin's brain.


When I get back to the hospital, Lindsay is still there with Justin, just like she'd promised. She smiles at me and I
notice she looks at her watch. I'd been gone too long obviously.

"Did you sleep well?" She asks as she notices for the first time that I'm hauling in tons of junk.

I yawn and shake my head as I put the portable CD player and a stack of CD's that I'm carrying on the table beside
Justin's bed. I remove the bag that's slung over my shoulder and set it on the floor near the table. Gus walks in
behind me and he's got all of the rest of our stimulation project.

"Where should we start?" He asks.

I look around and point to the wall just in front of Justin's bed.

"Probably over there, we'll tilt the bed some when his eyes are open."

Lindsay doesn't say a word as she watches Gus begin to tape up our various paintings.

"How's he been?" I look over at Justin who appears to be grimacing in his sleep. His sleep has been peaceful for the
past two weeks that I've been staying here.

"He's been having some nightmares I think."

I put my hand on his and sit down in the chair next to him.

"What is all of this?" Lindsay finally asks looking around at the paintings, then nosing into the bag shuffling things
around.

Gus begins to explain things to her as I watch Justin's face closely. His eyes slowly begin to open and he stares
blankly ahead just as he has for the past two weeks. I press the controls on the bed and it raises his head slightly, just
enough so that everything Gus has hung up is within his line of vision.

I release a breath that I didn't realize I'd been holding as I see Justin's eyes scanning the shapes and colors in front of
him. It's not the biggest change in the world, but it's something.

Even Lindsay noticed the change in his eyes. Her eyes were filled with tears as she kissed and hugged Gus and I
before she left.

"I think you guys are on to something here."

I just gestured to Gus. This was all his doing and I couldn't take credit for it.

"Yeah, well I've always said that thanks to my genes our son is a genius." I smirked a little.

After she left Gus and I sat in silence for awhile.

"So Dad..." Gus was looking right at me as I watched Justin.

"Yeah?" I asked absently.

"Do you think you could write me some kind of excuse for skipping my afternoon classes?" He smiled innocently.

I sort of laughed as I turned my attention to him.

"Don't tell me you're suddenly afraid of detention?" I smile and he knows I'm going to write the excuse.

"Never afraid of detention, I just want to be here tomorrow when we add the CD's."


The next afternoon as soon as Gus got to the hospital he put a CD in the player and we added sound stimulation for
Justin. I know talking is good, but I can only find my voice around him when he's asleep.

He seems to be a little more aware of things today, than he was yesterday, or maybe I'm just imagining it, wanting it
so badly that I think its happening. That this is helping. He has been conscious longer today than he's been before.
Of course that's how it's been everyday, he's awake a little longer and sleeps a little less.

Gus started talking to me and I realized I'd been zoning out just watching Justin. I smiled and looked up at him.

"What?"

"I said. You really should get some sleep."

"I've been sleeping off and on." I yawn. "I'm fine sonny boy."

"I know. You're fine, you're always fine." He's giving me a bit of a disappointed look.

"Gus..." I say it softly, as if I can explain myself. I'm not sure what I want to say.

"Dad..." He says it in the same tone as mine. Okay so now he's mocking me.

"Gus..." I say a little louder, with just the slightest hint of aggravation bordering on anger.

"Dad..." He's back to mocking me, talking to me in my own voice.

"Stop that." I shoot him a dirty look, and then look over at Justin.

"Stop what?" The innocent act, I laugh and roll my eyes.

"You're being a brat." I smile at him and shake my head.

"I know. I just worry about you. You don't have anybody else to look out for you. It's kind of my job." He says it
smiling, but he's totally serious.

"Then you should understand. Justin doesn't have anybody else either." I whisper, not wanting Justin to hear me.

"What about his mom? His dad? His sister?" Now we're both whispering.

I shake my head and shrug.

"I tried to call his mother. Her office said she was on an extended vacation in Europe. They wouldn't give me
anymore information. All I could do was leave a message. I'm sure I'm not high on her list of people that she wants
to call back right away."

"Does his dad know?" I shake my head.

"I don't know Gus. I'm sure someone has called him." I remember back to the day in my office, if he knew then he
sure as hell didn't seem to care.

"But Molly..."

"I don't have her number Gus. I don't even know what city she lives in, or if she's married, she wouldn't have the
same last name. There's nothing else I can do to let them know."

"Don't get defensive." He comes over and hugs me.

"I'm not defensive. I'm tired." I say hugging him back.

"Which is why you need some sleep" He whispers in my ear. "but I'm not going to push it."

I almost believe him, until I remember who I'm talking to. He'll keep pushing; he's a lot like his mother that way. He
always seems to get his way. I stand up and walk toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Gus asks.

"Home. Can you handle four hours?" I look back at Justin and feel guilty. His eyes are closed again.

"Yeah." He smiles and knows he's won.

"I'll be back by 7:30."

"We'll be fine. I've got homework to do, so take your time."

I felt good leaving Gus with Justin. Hell if he can handle looking out for me, I figure Justin should be a breeze. As
soon as I got to the loft I set my alarm clock and fell asleep within seconds after I dropped down on the bed.



Every afternoon after his first victory, Gus showed up after school and sent me on my way home for a few hours of
sleep. It made him happy and I know it improved my attitude. I wasn't as likely to get into a screaming match with

Melanie over any of our usual shit. I didn't get as aggravated at the doctors or nurses when they couldn't tell me
anything new and I didn't feel like all of my emotions would explode at a moments notice.

I always brought back dinner for Gus and I when I'd return. We'd eat and he'd tell me about anything I'd missed
while I was gone. Whether it was a visit from Emmett or a nurse coming in to check on Justin, he'd tell me every
detail. That made it easier to be away, knowing I'd still be informed. Then he would head home for the night and I'd
sit alone with Justin.

I sat next to his bed and usually found myself reading an article on brain injuries that Gus had printed out off of the
computer, a book, a magazine, or a newspaper, whatever Gus had left there for me. Tonight was no different; I sat
reading the newspaper when a voice startled me. It was low and raspy but familiar.

"Hey."

I sat the paper down and looked around. I was alone with Justin. I stared at him.

"Hey." He said it again. He winced a little and put his hand up near his throat.

"Hey." I picked up the water pitcher next to his bed and poured a little into the plastic cup that was sitting on his
tray. Tearing the paper off of a straw I put that into the cup and held it up to his lips. He sucked in a little and
swallowed.

"Thanks." He whispered.

"No problem. Let me know if you need more."

He nodded and reached for my hand. We locked fingers and I just stared at him unsure of what to say.

"It's about time you woke up."

He gave a weak smile and closed his eyes. He looked exhausted but his eyes kept fluttering like he was trying so
hard to keep them open. I squeezed his hand softly.

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

He looked at me and I could see he was searching for his words.

"Why?" He asked again.

"Why? Why are you here?"

He nodded

"Why did this happen?"

He nodded again and looked grateful to me for filling in his questions.

"You got hurt. You're getting better. Shit happens, Justin."

He nodded and closed his eyes.

It wasn't until the next morning that I realized how hard of a time he was having communicating. I must have fallen
asleep, because the first thing I can remember about the day was feeling my hand being lightly smacked. I looked up
and saw Justin's eyes pleading with me for something.

"What?" I said rubbing my eyes. He just looked over at the water pitcher.

"Thirsty?" I asked as I poured some water into the cup.

"Yes." He sipped it again while I held it out to him. He did wrap his fingers around mine to show me that he could
hold it himself, that he wasn't helpless.

"You want me to let go?" He nodded.

"So how do you feel this morning?"

He looked at me and shrugged.

"Justin, talk to me."

He didn't say anything, just handed the cup back to me.

"Are you pissed off at me about something?" My own insecurities are shining through now. Why in the hell am I
asking him that?

"No."

"If I remember correctly you usually don't shut up. Why are you being so quiet?"

He looked at me and I could see that he was agitated. He'd open his mouth as if he was going to say something, then
thought better of it and closed it.

"Fine, don't talk to me." He was starting to piss me off. I sat back down and picked up the newspaper from the day
before and pretended to read it. I watched him over the paper and saw he still wanted to say something, but wouldn't.

"Just say it, Justin." I sat the paper down on the floor.

That was met by silence

"Do you want me to go?" I stood up and I felt sick to my stomach the second that question escaped my lips. Was he
going to ask me leave? After all the time I'd put in, after showing everyone that I care?

"No." I looked into his eyes to make sure he meant that.

"Then say whatever it is that you want to say." I'm preparing myself for something, not sure what. I'm sure it's going
to be something about how I've always treated him badly, thrown him away, didn't care enough. I brace myself for
it.

"Can't."

"Can't or won't?" I'm starting to figure this out. I've read all the articles Gus printed out for me. Justin wasn't able to
find his words; it was common for head injuries if I remembered the article right. I'd have to find that and read it
again.

"Can't." He said and I could see tears forming in his eyes.

"You really can't?" Why did I ask that? I know he can't.

He shook his head from side to side. His tears started to flow down his cheeks.

"Shhhhh... Shhhhh..." I rubbed his arm trying to comfort him. "It's okay Justin. Give it some time. We'll talk to the
doctor. I'm sure it's temporary. It's something you can work through okay?"

He nodded and rolled over on his side to face me. I leaned in and placed my forehead against his trying my best to
comfort him. His change in breathing signaled me that he'd fallen asleep again. I pulled back some to look at him,
and once I was sure that he was asleep I placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"Everything is going to be okay sunshine." I whispered as I watched him sleep.


Some days are better than others. Most start out pretty good. Justin wakes up and looks for me, and then he smiles
when he sees that I'm still there. I can't help but smile back. His smile always has been contagious.

His appetite isn't the greatest, but I'm comparing it to the Justin I knew ten years ago, the Justin I lived with for eight
years, and I keep trying to remind myself that people do change I may not know everything about him anymore. If
he could say more it would help me get to know him again, but I'm not complaining. A week ago I wasn't sure he'd
make it this far.

He can say so much, without saying a word. He always thought it was a special gift he had being able to read me
when I wouldn't utter a word. I'm finding out now that I have the same gift when it comes to him. I just never knew
it, hell this is the first time he's ever been this quiet, this is the first time I've ever needed to rely on this 'power'.

He's sitting up in bed looking at the designs on the wall that Gus hung just a few weeks ago. I can see the
recognition in his eyes. He knows which ones Gus did and I'm sure he can spot the ones that I created. He smiles as
he looks at them, and turns to look at me, the smile is still in place, but his eyes hold a sadness in them that nearly
breaks my heart.

"Why?" It's one of the few words he's actually speaking. Every time I hear it I ache to hold him in my arms and
comfort him. For someone trying to put up a brave front his emotions sometimes get the best of him, because now
his face is a mixture of confusion and sadness.

"I don't know Justin." It was all I could say. It was a much better response than I'd given him the first time he asked
me. "Shit happens, Justin." Sometimes I wonder what possesses these things to come out of my mouth.

I think he remembers what happened now. I'm pretty sure I saw it in his eyes a few days ago, when Gus walked in
the room. He motioned Gus over to him and he hugged Gus tight. They both were in tears and I know it helped Gus
to share the pain of it with Justin. I excused myself and let them be alone for a little while. I knew Gus needed to tell
Justin exactly what happened, just as much as Justin needed to hear it all. The same way I knew that I couldn't listen
to it.

He reaches out to me, and I'm sure my eyes have betrayed me as well. The sadness I'm holding inside has escaped a
few times before this, I've seen it myself when I look in the mirror. I take his hand and give him a reassuring smile.

"Don't think about it. Okay?" He nods. "You're getting better every day. I know you can't see it but trust me. You'll
be back to your old self before you know it."

His eyes brim with tears and he looks down. I know he doubts my words. I cup his chin in my hand and bring his
eyes level with mine, forcing him to look into them. He has to see that I believe this, so that he'll start to believe it
himself.

My afternoons are spent waiting alone in Justin's room while he is in physical therapy. Thankfully this time his
motor skills weren't affected, he'll still be the creative genius he's always been. He just needs to regain his strength

from being down for so long. He's usually exhausted when he gets back to the room and I can see in his eyes that
there are a million things he wants to say, but he can't. That's when the days start to get rough.

He's weak as the nurse wheels him into the room and helps him into bed. He keeps pushing the nurse off, wanting to
do everything for himself. This nurse doesn't seem to take the hint and gets a glare from Justin.

"NO!!!!!!!!" He yells at her and she backs off a bit. He gets into the bed and lies back with his eyes closed. The
nurse seems angry as she pushes the empty wheelchair out of the room. He opens his eyes as the door closes and I
can feel his eyes on me.

I'm sitting on one of the more comfortable chairs in the room. It's tucked away in the corner and I'm pretending to
read a magazine while I watch Justin shift around in bed. He's agitated and full of anger. He rolls over on his side
and he's looking over at me now, clearing his throat to get my attention. I look up setting the magazine down next to
me in the chair.

"Good workout?" I ask casually.

He glowers at me and raises his middle finger toward me.

"Now is that nice?" I ask him with just the slightest hint of sarcasm.

He sighs heavily as I cross the room toward him.

"Gus stopped by while you were gone." Even I'm amazed at how calm I'm being. "He brought you this."

I toss an empty sketch pad down on the bed and a pencil.

"I'm hungry. I'm going to get something to eat. You want anything?"

He nods.

"Well, what would you like?"

He looks at me angrily. I feel like a prick asking, but I do have a purpose in this question.

"Well?"

If looks could kill, I'd be dead right now. He just shakes his head as if to tell me to forget it. He's not hungry, and we
both know that's a lie.

"Draw it." I say and sit back down in the corner chair. "I can wait."

He looks down at the sketch pad, and then looks at me still a little angry, but he picks it up and begins drawing. I
pick the magazine back up and flip through the pages, while I watch him. A few minutes into his drawing I see the
tension and anger leave his face. He's concentrating on the drawing he's working on and I see a look of calm
overtake him. I actually stop watching him then, feeling as if I'm intruding on his thoughts, and I finally read
something in this damn magazine.

"Brian." He says softly to get my attention when he's done.

I walk over and look at the pages.

"Christ Justin! You're going to have to schedule two sessions of physical therapy for tomorrow if you eat all that."

He smiles and points to me.

"Oh you think I'm going to help you eat all of it?"

He nods.

"When was the last time you saw me eat French fries and cheeseburgers? And, if I'm not mistaken you've drawn two
milkshakes there."

He giggles and nods.

"Two?" I say and look at him mystified.

He points at himself then at me.

"I am not drinking a milkshake."

"Yes." He says and grins.

"No."

He points at the picture then at the door. The little fucker is ordering me to go get his food now. He must be feeling
better.

"Okay, I'm going. I'm going. I'll be back."

As I leave the room I see him flip the page and start on another drawing. I smile completely pleased with myself. I
knew he just needed to find a way to let the outside world in on his thoughts and Gus won't mind taking the credit
for his old man's plan.

I'm not sure if he'll still be awake when I come back. I know he'll rest eventually.He's usually better if I can coax
him into sleeping for a little while after his physical therapy. He wants to be awake, he wants me to talk to him, but
he's just so aggravated that he can't hold a conversation that he ends up angry with me. If he sleeps for awhile, he
wakes up in a better mood, and by then Gus is usually there for a visit. If he fights the sleep that his body needs, he's
almost unbearable to be around. Today though, I knew immediately that his need to communicate was more
important than his need for rest.

His food might be cold by the time he wakes up if he does fall asleep, but I've never seen him turn food away for
any reason, so that shouldn't be a problem. I look at the clock near the elevator, it's just between the lunch rush and
the dinner rush down at the diner, and if I hurry he should still be awake when I get back.


I was right about how crowded the diner would be. It was pretty much empty when I got there. There were a few
people at the counter, and the booths were empty except for the one occupied by Ted, Emmett, and Michael. I
placed my order at the counter then headed over to sit with them while I waited.

They of course, are in their own little world and don't see me approaching them.

Emmett is busy sipping his iced tea and relating some kind of story while looking intently at Michael. He's wildly
gesturing with his hands and suddenly he turns hushed.

"He's soooooo in love with Justin." Of course, I'm their topic of conversation. I should have figured. 'Shut up
Emmett' I'm thinking as I stand back to listen.

"Oh Emmett, you've been saying that for years. That it's only a matter of time before they'd be back together. It's
been ten years. They're definitely not getting back together." 'Shut the fuck up Ted.' What the hell does he know?

"Teddy... How can't you see it?" Now I'm back to thinking 'Shut up Emmett.' I almost laugh not sure which version I
like better, the soap opera fantasy that Emmett has of Justin and I, or Ted's views on the world as he knows it.

"The only thing I see is Brian being Brian. He wants to be in charge. He has to control everything, even Justin's
recovery, again." 'Shut the fuck up Ted. I care about him, fine I still love him, that doesn't mean I'm ready for
everyone to talk about it, Emmett's version wins.'

"I don't think it's any of our business." 'There ya go Mikey.' At this point I decide to make my presence known. I
slide in next to Michael and give Emmett and Ted my best smile.

"It's NOT any of your business. So why don't you all just shut the fuck up?" I avoid their guilty looks of being
caught talking about me behind my back by watching as our waitress comes over and turns my coffee cup over and
pours me some. I take a sip and decide to let them off easy.

"So? How is everyone?" I realize I haven't seen much of them lately, just a few minutes here and there when they've
been in to see Justin. It's funny how now that he's awake their visits seem fewer and farther between.

A weird silence was surrounding the table and Michael was the first to speak up, probably because he knew I hadn't
heard him say anything terrible or just because he's clueless sometimes. Ted and Emmett both looked grateful that
he was breaking the silence.

"I'm doing great. The store's doing great. Things are pretty much great." He's eating a bowl of pudding with a spoon
and he's stuffing his mouth between sentences. I'm suddenly wondering why no one ever taught him how to
correctly hold his utensils.

I look over at Emmett. He flashes me a smile and starts chattering on about the latest pieces of disco trash clothing
that arrived in at Torso earlier in the day. I'm nodding like I care and find myself looking over at the counter
wondering how long it actually takes to cook a cheeseburger and some French fries. I'm almost betting I could do it
faster than this and I haven't cooked anything in over ten years. Even then I was just heating up a can of soup for
Justin when he was sick once.

I smile thinking about him. Even now, with his limited vocabulary, our conversations are a lot more interesting than
this one is. I groan inwardly as I hear Ted recounting a porn incident gone wrong today on his website. I'm still
feigning interest though and nodding occasionally.

"What about you Brian?" Emmett asks cautiously.

"You know me. I'm always fabulous." I'm surprised when I realize that I actually do feel fabulous today. That hasn't
happened in a long time. I know it's because Justin's doing better. Truth be told the biggest reason for my improved
mood is because we're back in each other's lives finally, just as friends but who knows... maybe?

"How's Justin doing?" Ted asks, but looks as if he'd wished he hadn't mentioned him for fear of reminding me of his
earlier comments.

"Justin's doing fine." That's all they need to know. "You might try visiting him a little more. He'd appreciate it."

Ted looked down embarrassed and Emmett's cheeks flushed as he nodded.

"It's just hard Brian. We don't know what to say to him. We don't even know if he understands us. He doesn't say
anything. How do you know he hasn't suffered some kind of brain damage?" If he didn't sound so serious, I'd
probably be more pissed off by that statement than I already am

"Michael, The only one with brain damage here is you. So shut the fuck up." I roll my eyes and can't believe he
actually believes that. "Spend some time with him Mikey, you'll see he's just as smart as ever."

We all sit there in silence until a few seconds later, when my cell phone rings. I pick it up and hearing the voice on
the other end I excuse myself from the table. I walk over toward the front door where it's quieter. I'm positive as
soon as I hear her voice that I'm going to need some privacy for this call.

"Brian? Jennifer Taylor. I called my office today and they gave me your message." Her voice is very cold and I feel
myself tense up.

"Hello, Mrs. Taylor." I feel like I'm standing in front of her condo and she's telling me that she never wants me to
see her son again.

"Oh God. What's wrong?" Something about my voice must have clued her in.

"Relax, he's okay. Well, he's okay now anyway." I sigh and slide into an empty booth.

She's getting hysterical on her end and she hasn't even heard me actually say that anything is wrong. She assumes
and now she's freaking out, jumping to conclusions and I've already told her that he's okay. She's calming down a
little and repeating "I never should have left the country."

"Mrs. Taylor." If she'll shut up for a minute, I'll continue. I light a cigarette and the waitress is now at this table
pouring me another cup of coffee. Jennifer finally is silent and lets me continue.

"He's in the hospital. Head Injury. He's awake." For some reason I can't get out much more than that. Her hysteria
has rubbed off on me some I suppose.

"I'm coming home." I nod as if she can see me. "How is he? You said he's okay."

"Yeah, he's okay. He was in a coma for about five weeks, but he woke up about two weeks ago.

"Why didn't anyone contact me?" She sounds as if she's accusing me now.

"Jennifer I tried. I left this message for you seven weeks ago. You don't fucking check your messages for two
months and that's my fault?"

I inhale some smoke deeply and exhale slowly trying to stay calm. Between Mikey's comments and now Jennifer's
accusing tone; my fabulous mood is slipping away.

"I'm sorry Brian. I'm not blaming you, just calm down."

"Yes you are. You're always blaming me for something and I am calm."

"Brian, I don't want to argue with you again. Are you there with him now?" She asks.

"No. I'm at the diner picking up dinner for him." She sighs heavily into the phone and I'm sure it's because I'm
spending time with him and that terrifies her.

"I'm going to go now. I'll call Justin at the hospital to let him know that I'm on my way home as soon as I can make
arrangements to get a flight out of here."

"Don't."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't call him." As soon as those words are out of my mouth, I realize I've nearly raised my voice to yelling. The
boys are staring at me now. I scowl at them and they turn back to what they were doing.

"Why?"

"He can't talk to you. It'll only upset him."

"What do you mean he can't talk to me?"

"I mean he can't. It's a part of his injury; he's lost a lot of his vocabulary. He can't verbalize what he's thinking. I've
talked to a specialist; it's going to be fine. Justin's going to start working with him next week and he seems positive
that it's only going to be temporary. He's just frustrated right now and you calling, even if you think it's just to talk to
him isn't going to help things right now; it's going to make it worse. Trust me."

"Brian?" Her voice is softer now; she's almost too calm for words.

"Yeah?" I see the waitress heading my way with my takeout order.

"Tell him that I'm coming home."

"I will. I've got to go." The waitress sets down my order on the table and I fish some money out of my wallet and
hand it to her. "Our food's done and I need to get back there before it gets cold."

"Thanks." She says and it sounds like more than a thank you for giving him my message. It's more like a thank you
for taking care of him. I don't want to deal with her mixed signals so I choose to ignore it.

"No problem. I'll tell him. Bye." I close my phone and pick up the food and head toward the door. Michael, Emmett
and Ted are leaving as well and they catch up to me outside as I'm getting into the jeep.

"Brian?" Mikey is looking at me trying to read my face. I just look at him hesitantly and wide eyed.

"Are you okay?" He looks genuinely worried about me.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" His hovering can be rather annoying so I'm sure my words are sharp and perhaps
filled with a trace of anger.

"Who was that on the phone?" I sigh as he stares at me like a mother hen.

"Jennifer Taylor." I make a face and he laughs.

"No wonder you look like you've been in the middle of a prize fight."

I grin. He's seen Jennifer and I go round and round with each other. For eight years I had to deal with her. I was the
monster that corrupted her son. Then the person she tolerated for his sake. Eventually I was just the asshole who
kept hurting him and making him miserable. She probably never knew she was one of the main reasons that I let him
go. She finally got through to me one day and made me see how much I kept hurting him. She's the one that made
me see what I was doing to him. Damn her.

"It was fine Mikey. We were on our best behavior." I smile rather unconvincingly.

"Yeah, I'm sure. That's why you were yelling at her." I grin.

"That is my best behavior Mikey. You know that."

He smiles and turns with a little wave as he walks off toward his store. I get into my jeep and head back to the
hospital and back to Justin.

Justin is still awake when I get back. His sketch pad is next to him. He's yawning and rubbing his eyes. He looks
adorably sweet and childish when he does that. Any anger that Jennifer might have left me with and any annoyance
left over from the boys, disappeared as soon as I saw him do that.

"Food's here." I say and set it down on the tray next to his bed. He's digging into the bag and grinning now. He pulls
out the Styrofoam cartons and sets them down on the table, shoving the bag into the floor. Opening the first one he
scrunches up his nose and rolls his eyes then hands it to me.

"Ahhh... My turkey sandwich... Thank you." I smile innocently at him.

He opens up his container and smiles as he puts the cheeseburger up to his lips and takes a bite. He nods and grins as
he chews, and he makes these little moaning noises. I take a bite of my sandwich and somehow I'm not having the
same reaction to turkey on whole grain.

Justin continues his orgasmic assault on his burger then holds it up to me offering me a bite. I shake my head and
continue to chew on a somewhat dry turkey sandwich. Justin grins and takes another bite of his then offers it out
again. I smile.

"You're not going to be happy until I have some of that fat and grease in my body. Are you?"

His smile grows bigger and I lean in and take a bite. I can't help but laugh at the look on his face. He seems pleased
with himself, almost smug, but it's cute. He raises his eyebrows questioningly at me. I nod as I chew and swallow.
That damn cheeseburger is good.

"Not bad." I say. Then watch as he lifts it back toward his lips. I grab his wrist just as he's getting ready to take
another bite.

"I want another bite." I say as I do my tongue in cheek face. He smiles and holds it out to me as I take another bite. I
then release his wrist letting him finish the rest of it. I close the lid on my turkey sandwich and pick up the empty
bag from the floor. I toss my Styrofoam container into it. When I look up Justin is holding a French fry out toward
me. I start to protest but it's pointless so I lean forward and wrap my lips around it. His fingers slightly brush my lips
as I suck the French fry from his grip. My tongue darts out and I lick a little of the salt off of my lips. I watch as
Justin licks his lips mimicking me.

I shift a little in my chair not really believing how turned on I am from eating two bites of a cheeseburger and a
damn French fry. He's holding out the milkshake now and he's managed to put two straws in it.

"I told you that I'm not drinking any of that milkshake."

"Briaaaan..." Ok so he's adorable at times and when he is, I can't deny him anything.

He takes a sip and leaves a little bit of milkshake on his lips. I lean in and lick his lips softly and then I begin to kiss
him, just a slow soft kiss. I pull back and feel a little embarrassed, which amazes me, but still for some reason I am.
It's the first time I've kissed him since he's been awake.

"Damn good milkshake." I say softly.

I look at his face and he's smiling. He's played me and he knows it. He places his hand behind my neck and pulls me
in for another kiss. It's just as soft and slow as the last one and it feels so good.

A knock on the door finally pulls us out of the kiss. I sit back in the chair and Justin is smiling as he grabs his
milkshake again and sips at it.

Gus comes into the room smiling and I'm sure we've been caught. He's never knocked before and it seems awfully
funny that he picked today to start.

"School's out already?"

"Yup." He's grinning from ear to ear.

"Are you feeling better today Justin?" He asks and moves into the chair on the other side of the bed. He always asks
yes or no questions, knowing that Justin can answer those easily.

"Yes." He answers and now he's grinning from ear to ear. They look like they're sharing the world's biggest secret.

I find myself stealing French fries off of his tray and eating them while Gus is talking. Justin looks over and catches
me and begins laughing.

"What?" I say innocently.

He picks up his sketch pad and flips a few pages then shows it to Gus. Now Gus is laughing at me as well.

Again I say "What?"

Justin turns the sketch pad toward me and I see he's drawn me just as I am right now, sneaking French fries while
he's looking away.

"Ok, maybe that sketch pad is a bad idea" I say grinning. "If you're just going to use it against me I'm going to hide
it."

"Seems to me that Justin knows you pretty well Dad." Gus and Justin are grinning at me and before I know it they've
got me grinning too, but I'm trying to hide it as best I can.

I make a grab for his sketch pad and Justin hands it over willingly. I turn a few more pages and then I know for sure
I've been played, because there it is already drawn, our milkshake kiss. I just stare at it for awhile while Gus starts
telling Justin all about his day at school. Before too long, I look up and notice that Justin is nearly asleep. His eyes
are barely staying open. I give Gus a look that he catches pretty quickly.

"Hey Jus, why don't you get some sleep."

Justin nods and he closes his eyes completely. Gus and I head out into the hallway. The door to Justin's room has
barely closed when Gus starts in on me.

"Soooooo... Are you two back together?"

I look at him and shake my head no.

"Why not?" He's pouting like a damn child now.

"He's still recovering Gus. He doesn't need to deal with any of that shit, or with any of my shit."

"But I saw you kissing."

"Yeah, I figured you did."

"You love him." I sigh and look away.

"That's never been a question Gus. You already know that. Just let it go for now." Gus has tears in his eyes and I pull
him into a hug. "Hey at least we're closer than we were before..." I can feel his head nodding on my shoulder.
"....who knows Gus. Maybe."

"I just don't want you to lose this."

"Lose what?"

"The way you are right now. They way you always were with him. God Dad! You really don't see how different you
are with him do you?"

He pulls back from me and looks in my eyes.

"YOU don't see it. Un-fucking-believable."

I just shake my head and walk a little ways down the hall. I can hear him following me. I stop just outside of the
elevators.

"I'm sorry. I'll drop it. I'm going to go home." He gives me another hug. That's when I feel a hand grip my shoulder.
I'm spun around and I see a hand push Gus backwards. I take a punch to my jaw before I even know what's
happening.

"You fucking pervert! Corrupting one teenager wasn't enough for you?" I see it's Craig Taylor and I get in one good
punch before Gus pulls me back.

"Fuck you. GET the HELL out of here. NOW!!" I'm yelling at him as he's cowering back against a wall. Our little
outburst has gained a fair amount of attention as everyone in the hallway has stopped to watch.

"Dad... stop." Gus is pulling at me and I realize I'm still trying to charge at Craig Taylor.

I turn away and Gus is following me. I stop at the nurse's station and ask for security to be called to remove this
maniac who attacked me. I turn and he's still behind me.

"Don't you even think about going into that room. He's asleep and right now isn't the time. Maybe if you'd come in
here like a normal human being... but no... you come in here like a maniac with all of your hate and anger."

Gus is shaking slightly next to me. I turn to him. "It's okay now sonny boy. Why don't you go get a Coke or
something?" It's more of an order than a question and he nods as he walks down the hall leaving us alone.

The nurse is looking at me warily. "Do you still want me to call security?"

"That's up to him IF he stays call them but if he goes then no."

I turn back to Craig and we're eye to eye. "IF you ever touch my son again, I'll fucking kill you." I growl at him.

He scoffs in my face. "Your son?"

"Yeah my SON, asshole."

"After everything you've done to MY son. You have the nerve to tell me not to touch yours? I'm sure you're a great
father." He almost snorts at me

"After everything I've done to him? Enlighten me... I don't seem to understand what you mean. What? When I took
him in after you kicked him out? When I paid for his education after you refused to? When I was there for him
hundreds of times that you weren't?"

He's looking at me as if I'm speaking in some other language that he doesn't understand.

"You see Craig. I don't give a shit what you think about me as a father. I know what I've done for my son and I
know what I've done for your son. I know that I've been there for him, shit for both of them. I also KNOW what
you've done for your son and YOU know how you've been. I'm willing to leave it at that."

I see Gus coming down the hall toward us. I can't imagine ever hating him the way Craig hates Justin or the way my
old man hated me. Something inside of me tells me that I have to say something that Justin would want me to say, it
nearly kills me, but I do it for him.

"Now, get the hell out of here Craig. If you want to see him because you want to try to have some kind of
relationship with him, that's your business, but right now isn't the time."

He almost looks hurt, but I won't see that, I refuse. As he turns to leave I ask him one more question.

"How did you know he was here?"

I'm not really surprised when I hear his answer as he's walking toward the elevators.

"Jennifer called me."

I cringe and lean back against the wall with my eyes closed.


My eyes are still closed and I'm using the wall behind me to hold myself up. I hear Gus clear his throat as he
approaches me. I open my eyes and stare straight ahead at the wall. I hate the way I'm feeling right now. I feel out of
control and although Gus has seen more of my emotions than I'll ever let anyone else see, this is one that I don't
want to show him. I've always had a nasty temper, but I've never gotten violent with anyone in front of Gus. A part
of me is ashamed. I don't want him to look at me and see me as some kind of a monster. I don't want him to see me
the way I always saw my old man.

Gus leans against the wall next to me. He holds the can of Coke out for me and I reach for it absentmindedly before
taking a sip of it. He turns to face me and I close my eyes again as if to hide myself. I feel his hands on my shoulders
and his forehead pressed against mine.

I can't fathom why Jennifer Taylor would call Craig of all people. What was she thinking? It seems like a desperate
attempt to keep me away from Justin, her way of protecting him maybe? As if I'm the one he'd need protected from.

"You okay dad?" Gus asks quietly.

I nod and he pulls back to look me over.

"You're already bruising. He caught you just right." Gus winces looking at my face. "Does it hurt?"

"Not as bad as my knuckles do." I look down and see they're a lovely shade of red and purple. "I shouldn't have done
that. Not with you here."

"Dad, it's cool. He started it... I say fuck him."

I smile and most of the uneasiness I'd felt moments before was gone. He didn't see me any differently than he always
had. Even though I'm not a perfect role model he doesn't think any less of me, he doesn't see me as a monster, he
doesn't see me as Jack.

"He didn't hurt you when he pushed you did he?"

"No. I was just surprised that's all."

"I need a cigarette." Gus nods as he sees me watching the door to Justin's room.

"But... you don't want to leave him alone?"

"I don't think he'll come back, but..."

"I'll stay. You should go home anyway for a little bit. Get some sleep... or whatever."

I leave of course, but I don't go to the loft. Instead I stop off at a bar a few blocks from the hospital. It looks like the
kind of place my dad would have spent hours in. Nothing fancy just a bar, a few tables and a jukebox. After a few
shots of Jim Beam, I'm not feeling that out of control anymore. I feel mellow and numb. It's a nice feeling, one that I
haven't had in a few weeks. After a few more I feel even better.

I leave the bar smelling of stale cigarette smoke. I should go back to the loft and shower but I don't know that I trust
myself to drive. Instead I chose to walk back to the hospital. I need to check on Justin and Gus.

I stop in at a small bar just across the street from the hospital to take a piss. Another shot of Beam or maybe it was
two and I'm ready to get back to my boys.

I smile at them when I finally make it up to Justin's room. He's awake and listening to Gus talk about something, but
they both stop when they see me enter the room.

"Hey."

I feel the floor move a little under my feet as I close the door behind me and I almost lose my balance. Gus is up in
no time and seems to be guiding me to a chair.

"I can sit down myself sonny boy."

He's somehow gotten my keys in his hand now.

"Did you drive like this?"

I'm on the receiving end of one of Lindsay's scolding looks, but it's coming from Gus's face. That's weird and I'm
almost ready to laugh, until I notice that he and Justin don't seem to see the humor in this.

"I walked Gus. The jeep is..." I try to think exactly where the jeep is. "...it's parked somewhere."

"Justin?"

He's looking at me now with his eyebrows raised as if to say "What?"

"Did you sleep good?"

He nods.

"You just wake up?"

Justin shakes his head and Gus answers for him.

"He woke up four hours ago."

"Four hours? I wasn't gone that long..."

Gus shakes his head.

"No... you've been gone for eight hours. I hoped you were sleeping too."

"No lectures sonny boy. Okay? Shouldn't you be at home getting some sleep?"

He nods and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"I was waiting for you to come back." He whispers as he hugs my neck. "Mom's going to be pissed. It's after
midnight. I'll tell her you went home to sleep and forgot to set your alarm. She just might believe it and not give you
too much shit over it."

I grin at him as he leaves with a wave. He's a good kid. I know I drink too much, and I still occasionally enjoy the
use of recreational drugs. I smoke and I've never consciously tried to hold back my foul language around him, but
even with having me as his dad he hasn't turned out too bad. Of course that may have more to do with Melanie,
Lindsay and Justin than it does with me, but somehow I take comfort in the fact that he's grown up to be a damned
good kid.

I look at Justin and smile. He's got his sketch pad out and he's drawing now, not looking up at me.

"He's always trying to keep me out of trouble. I'm gonna hear it from Lindz tomorrow I just know it."

He doesn't look up.

"Justin?"

Our eyes meet and I see that he's angry with me. He looks exhausted and I suddenly feel guilty again. Was I keeping
him from sleeping?

"I'm sorry. Do you want me go?" I try to stand up but this damn chair just slides back a little not letting me stand up.
I lean forward and hold onto my knees to keep from falling forward.

He shakes his head no so I try to lean back and close my eyes.

"Maybe we should get some sleep." I'm mumbling. I can hear him putting his sketch pad down on the nightstand.
Then I feel an arm around my waist. I look up and see Justin gently trying to help me to my feet.

He guides me over to the bed and I sit on the edge of it, before falling backwards. He pulls my shoes off and lifts my
legs up into the bed. He's helping me undress and I feel guilty because I'm supposed to be watching out for him.

"I had a for shit day Justin."

He nods and I close my eyes. I feel him get in the bed next to me.

"Night Sunshine." I mumble.

He's rubbing my hair softly as I fall asleep pressed up against him.


I awaken wrapped up in Justin's arms and I'm not sure how I got here. He's sleeping peacefully and I slowly move
out of his grasp and off of the bed. That's when I see Lindsay sitting in the corner chair. I can almost feel her anger
from across the room.

She stands up and motions for me to follow her out into the hallway. As soon as my pants are back on, I do go into
the hallway but I don't stop to talk to her. I'm making my way toward the coffee machine and I hear her footsteps
behind me.

"Gus got home after midnight last night."

I'm still walking, not turning around to see her face.

"I know. He was here." I think he was here at least, I vaguely remember him being here with Justin when I came
back.

We're in a small alcove with a few vending machines and tables. I run my hand across my face trying to focus on the
machine in front of me as I stifle a yawn. My head is pounding slightly and my back feel stiff from sleeping on that
hospital bed.

"Brian." She's stopped now and demanding my attention.

"What?"

I'm fishing in my pocket for money and finally I have the coffee situation under control. So I turn to face her while
it's pouring into a little paper cup that has dropped from somewhere inside of the machine.

"I want to know if what Gus told me is the truth." She's got her hands resting on her hips.

"What did he tell you?" I ask now grabbing for my coffee.

She sits down at a small table next to the vending machines. I sit down across from her and sip at the hot liquid in
my cup.

"He said you fell asleep at the loft and didn't get back until after twelve. He says that you forgot to set your alarm
clock. "

I nod and smile at her.

"That sounds about right. Why do you doubt him? He's a good kid."

"Brian, I don't want him out at all hours of the night. He could have been anywhere. I get the impression that he's
lying to me and I want to know where he was. Kids today have so much more to deal with than we did. He could
have been at a party... with drugs..."

"Lindsay things were the same when we were kids. Parties... drugs..." It's funny how she's conveniently forgotten
that it wasn't that long ago that she did the same things she's so worried about him doing.

"Brian you're not funny. I just want the truth."

"Lindsay relax. He was here."

"He has a curfew Brian."

She looks at me and her nose scrunches up.

"Brian... you smell like a distillery."

I nod and continue drinking my coffee.

"Oh I see. I get it now. My son is lying for YOU. Jesus Brian... When are you ever going to grow up?"

I cock an eyebrow at her. "Never?"

"I wondered why you were in bed with Justin." She's standing now. She's right next to me and pointing her finger
down in my face. "You went out and got drunk... then you came back here. Christ Brian... When are you ever going
to grow up?"

"Are we done?" I ask standing and walking toward the door. She doesn't follow me, so I assume we are.

Justin's stirring a little when I get back to his room. He's reaching out and his eyes open when he doesn't find me
lying next to him.

"Brian?"

"I'm here." He looks over at the corner chair and smiles. His smile fades though, as I see him open his mouth. He
wants to talk and I know he's probably got a million questions for me.

Just then someone brings in his breakfast tray. I see him picking at his eggs and he pushes his bacon toward the side
of the plate.

"Brian?"

I look up and meet his eyes. He points to the bacon offering it to me. I shake my head and he picks up the wheat
toast offering it. I smile and take it. We sit in a kind of awkward but peaceful silence for awhile.

"About last night..." I'm not sure why I'm even trying to explain.

Justin silences me by putting his finger up to his lips and shakes his head. I smile knowing that he's not even
expecting an explanation. He reaches out and gingerly traces my sore jaw and raises an eyebrow at me, obviously
wondering how my jaw ended up bruised. I'm surprised Gus didn't tell him, but it's best that he doesn't know. It
would probably just upset him.

"It's nothing." I say and he nods knowing that I won't talk about it.

After Justin is taken down for his physical therapy I head back to the loft for a badly needed shower. The bruising on
my jaw is pretty noticeable so I decide not to shave, in a day or so the beginnings of a beard should completely
cover it.

I get back to his room just as Justin is returning. He's obviously tired and I don't think I've seen him this weak since
just after he woke up. His eyes are barely staying open and he's not acting like himself at all.

"What's going on?" I demand of the nurse as she helps him into bed.

His eyes flutter and he's instantly asleep.

"He'll be okay. It's just some pain medication. A really bad headache hit him while he was in therapy."

I must look as worried as I feel because she comes over and pats my back reassuringly.

"He's fine. It's normal. Try not to worry so much. He's recovering quicker than the doctor's expected." She smiles at
me as I walk over to the bed to get a closer look at him for myself. I push back his bangs and muse again at his need
for a haircut.

"You worry too much." She's smiling at me and I give her my best effort at a smile. Finally she leaves me alone to
worry in peace.

Almost an hour later Jennifer Taylor breezes into the room and immediately she starts to take over. She's
straightening things up as if the whole place is a mess. It's not, but she's in some kind of obsessive motherly
housecleaning overdrive.

Justin is asleep; he was exhausted after his physical therapy today. He didn't even fight with the nurse as she held his
arm, helping him get into bed. His eyes closed almost immediately and I'd been sitting here watching him sleep for
the last hour or so when she finally showed up.

This sudden headache of his has me worried. What if they missed something in his tests? Then I start to think that
maybe I caused it somehow with my behavior last night. I remember him helping me into bed that might have been
too much for him. He seemed alright this morning though... My thoughts keep going around and around like this as I
watch Jennifer folding up an extra blanket next to Justin's bed.

We haven't said one word to each other, and as far as I'm concerned it can stay that way. She's making more noise
than anything else as she moves flower arrangements from the ledge near the window and brings them closer to
Justin's bed. She sets the arrangement that she'd had delivered today before her arrival on the small nightstand next
to his bed. She picks up his sketchpad off of the nightstand and shoves it into one of the drawers.

"You might want to put the flowers back over by the window."

She gives me a cold look. I move to the edge of my chair and point back at the window to give her the general idea.

"His allergies.... mom." She doesn't know what to do now. She realizes that she's wrong, and she knows the smile
that I'm giving her is about as phony as the one she's returning.

"I think they'd look better over by the window. Don't you?" She sounds condescending as if it had been her idea all
along.

"Good idea and don't hide his sketchbook."

"I'm not hiding it. I was just straightening things up."

"They have a housekeeping staff for that."

She sits down and stares at Justin for a few moments then turns to look at me.

"How long has he been sleeping?"

"About an hour or so, he should be waking up soon."

"When will his doctor be in?"

"He was already here this morning."

"How long have you been here Brian?"

"It doesn't matter." I turn my attention to a magazine.

She sighs folds her hands together.

"I want to apologize to you Brian."

"What for?" I look up at her.

"For calling Craig, I just didn't know what to do Brian. I was so far away. I was so worried about him. I wasn't
thinking..."

"You'd rather have your ex-husband sitting here than me. I know what you were thinking."

I stand up and leave the room. I can't listen to her. I shouldn't have to. She follows me into the hallway.

"Brian... why are you here?"

"I told you once. I care about him."

"It's not your responsibility. You also told me once that your only responsibility was to yourself and no one else. If I
remember correctly you asked him to leave a week later."

"Mrs. Taylor you don't remember shit. You asked me to let him go. You told me that I was hurting him. Have you
conveniently forgotten that conversation? You said he'd been offered a job in New York and that I was holding him
back. I let him go... only now I don't think there ever was a job offer."

"He turned it down Brian. I don't know why he did that, but it would have been a great opportunity for him."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter now. Like you said, I would have just kept hurting him."

"Maybe I was wrong." Her voice is so tiny now that I'm sure I've imagined her saying that.

I can't take her right now. Not her superior attitude and not her attempts at being remorseful. I made my decisions
then and I'll stand by them today. I'm sure I was right ten years ago to let him go.

"You weren't wrong. I wasn't wrong." I leave it at that, and I leave her standing alone in the hallway. As I walk away
I think to myself 'Maybe the timing was just wrong.'


I'm not sure where I'm going. I only know that I need to keep walking. I need to get as much distance between
myself and Jennifer Taylor as humanly possible. I don't really want to leave though, Justin is still here. I need to be
here for him. I find myself outside of the hospital smoking a cigarette with the rest of the nicotine addicted in a small
enclosed shelter that the hospital has created for those of us who need our fix, while we suffer from the stress that
surrounds any reason for actually being at a hospital.

One cigarette turns into two and then into three. I shiver a bit wishing I would have thought to grab my coat from the
room before I took off out of there. It's not really cold for early December but I think I'd stop shaking if I had
something warmer on.

I keep picturing Justin's face that day so many years ago. The look in his eyes when I told him it was over. It was the
right thing to do. I know it was. That whole year before I let him go was testimony to that. Everything I said,
everything I did just hurt him. All of my friends kept telling me that, except for Ted, I think.

I remember Mikey was the first one to say something. We were out at Woody's one night. Justin and Emmett were
at the bar getting us drinks. Ted and I were playing pool as Ben and Mikey watched. Christ I don't even remember
what I said to Justin when he brought me my beer. I noticed him head off toward the restroom as we kept playing.
That was when Michael took me aside and started in on me.

"Jesus Brian. Could you be a little bit shittier to him?"

"What are you talking about Michael?"

He just threw his hands up in some grand gesture and walked back to where Ben was. I never did figure out what I
had done that was so terrible. When Justin came back out he seemed fine so I figured Michael was just exaggerating
again.

The next time it happened was at Lindsay and Melanie's. I was picking up Gus to take him shopping for some new
back to school clothes. He was going into the first grade and I wanted him to look good. Justin was with me as
usual. I do remember what I said that time.

"Someone has to help the kid with his sense of style. If I left it up to you guys he'd either dress like a bag lady or a
bum." A witty quip I thought in reference to Lindsay's odd sense of style and Justin's baggy garments.

I missed Justin's expression but I did catch the sound of his voice as he grabbed Gus by the hand and started out to
the Jeep. "C'mon Gus let's get in the car."

That's when the girls let me have it.

"Brian! Can't you be nice?" Lindsay asked seriously.

"He doesn't know how. You're such a shit. He deserves better than the way you treat him Brian." Melanie stated as
she turned away from me and went upstairs.

"You hurt Justin's feelings... again."

"He knows I'm joking Lindsay."

"Does he Brian? Does he really know that?"

"He knows."

I gave her a kiss and walked out to join Gus and Justin and everything was fine.

Emmett gave me his lecture next. It was one night at Babylon. I just finished in the backroom and Emmett was at the
bar glaring at me as soon as I got back.

"Brian. You are going to fuck everything up!"

"What are you talking about? Where's Justin?"

Emmett huffed and pointed to the dance floor.

"He's out there somewhere. God Brian! Do you really have to flaunt it in his face?"

"What?" I turn to the bartender and order a double Jim Beam, and then I give Emmett all of my attention. "What are
you going on about?"

"The fact that you took some guy into the backroom in front of Justin again." He's serious and I don't even feel like
being sarcastic to him for some reason.

"Emmett. Leave it alone. Our relationship is open. It's allowed and Justin knows that, he's fine with it."

"He's not fine with it Brian. Can't you see that?"

"Then he needs to say something about it. He needs to be the one to talk to me about it. Not you."

I downed my drink and went off in search of Justin. He gave me one of his biggest smiles when I wrapped my arms
around him and pulled him in close to me.

I almost want to laugh now, just thinking back to it all. The little things that everyone said started nagging at me, and
before I knew it I'd catch the sad looks on Justin's face when we were alone together and I'd screw up somehow. I
started to realize that he wasn't happy. The talk his mother had with me that day hadn't been the first time she'd told
me that I wasn't letting him live his own life, but it was the first time I truly listened to her. She was right. Justin was
just going along with whatever I wanted and he wasn't the same person that I met nearly eight years before. It all
came down to one thing. He wasn't happy and it was my fault.

My trip down memory lane is interrupted as a woman with red curly hair comes out and sits down next to me. She's
searching in her handbag for a lighter and I chivalrously flick my lighter on for her. She smiles at me gratefully and
holds her cigarette in the flame as she takes a deep drag to light it.

"Thanks." She smiles and I really look at her for the first time. She reminds me of Debbie and a little wave of
sadness takes over inside of me. God I miss Deb. I can't believe she's been gone for almost two years now.

"You look like you could use a friend." She states matter-of-factly.

"I probably could." I hear myself saying. I'm not sure where that came from it's probably because she does remind
me so much of Deb and my trip down memory lane has me feeling sentimental.

"Want to tell me about it?"

"Got about seven hours?" I smile for a second, and then I feel my real emotions creeping too close to the surface.

"It's okay honey." She says and puts her arm around me gently patting my back. "Things aren't ever as bad as they
seem. You want to talk about it?"

I smile and stand up. This isn't Deb and I'm not about to open my heart up to some stranger, but somehow I feel just
a little bit better right now.

"No thanks. I've got to go."

She smiles at me and waves as I go. "Thanks for the light sweetie."

"Anytime."

It's freezing when I leave the smoke pit so I head back inside of the hospital to grab my coat. Jennifer is sitting next
to Justin when I walk into the room and he's still sleeping soundly. I move over and take one more look at him
before I grab my coat from behind the chair that Jennifer is sitting in.

"I forgot my coat." I say and head for the door.

"You don't have to leave." I can't read her expression or her tone of voice. It doesn't much matter to me anyway.

"Yeah I do." I say as I open the door. "You're here now to look after him, he doesn't need me anymore." With that I
let the door shut behind me.

I feel numb as I leave the hospital. It's colder now than I thought and a few snowflakes are slowly making their way
to the ground. I shiver and suddenly feel like I'll never be warm again. I'm physically exhausted and I know my body
needs some real sleep in my own bed. I've spent the last two months existing first on no sleep at all and then on the
restless sleep in a chair next to Justin's bed. I just want to go home and sleep.


As soon as I open the door and enter the loft I see my bed. I head straight for it and crawl in fully clothed. I pull the
covers up around my shoulders and I feel like I could hide in here forever. I'm tired and although I don't want to
admit it my heart hurts right now. I close my eyes and sleep takes over from there.

I'm at the computer busy finishing up some last minute ideas I got after work for my newest advertising campaign
when he comes bopping into the loft. He smiles at me and I can't help but smile back. He sets his backpack down
and is over to me within seconds. He's on my lap and our lips are drawn together like magnets.

I stand up and pull him with me to the bedroom. He's grinning and unbuttoning my pants as we make our way up the
steps.

"We definitely want to lose these." He purrs at me dramatically.

I stop and pull his shirt off then he attacks my face again with forceful kisses as he yanks my shirt up.

"Don't want you getting overheated." He smiles and sticks the tip of his tongue between his teeth seductively.

I have his pants unfastened in a flash and I push him back onto the bed tearing them the rest of the way off. He grabs
my wrist and pulls me down on him. I work my way down his chest licking and nipping at his soft skin as I head for
my destination. I haven't said one word to him yet I feel like I've spoken volumes in the last few minutes. Right now
words aren't required for what I'm feeling, he knows it and he always has.

I lick the tip of his hard cock and firmly press my lips around it as I engulf it with my mouth. He moans
appreciatively as my tongue is swirling around and around. I take all of him down my throat. His moans get stronger
as I quicken my pace of sucking him and laving him with my tongue. I look up into his eyes and he's watching me
and I don't see anything but lust in those baby blues.

"Fuck me Brian." He moans and I smile as I keep on sucking his beautiful cock until his breathing tells me that it's
time. He's covered in goose bumps and then I feel him shoot it all down my throat. I moan as I taste him, my need
for him increasing tenfold.

He pulls me up on top of him and we kiss for what seems like hours just grinding on one another. Our hands are
roving up and down one another wanting, no needing, to feel each other everywhere. We whisper nonsense to each
other just lost in the moment of togetherness. He stops for just a second and I catch the pleading look in his eyes. He
wants me right now more than anything else in the world and that look always makes me feel better than I ever have
before.

I could lose myself in his eyes as I watch his face while I make sure he's ready for me. The little moans he's making
as I open him gently with my fingers cause me to lean in and kiss him again hungrily. I swear sometimes I think if I
could stay here in this bed with him forever that I'd finally be truly happy and at peace.

He's slipping a condom in my hand and I can't help but laugh a little at how impatient he's being. I slip it on my dick
and he's handing me a tube of lube. I kiss his nose gently and lean in to softly whisper in his ear.

"You got someplace you need to be?"

He looks at me oddly and shakes his head no. I sit back a bit and give him a little smile.

"Then what's the big rush?"

He groans and rolls over.

"I want you inside of me now Brian." It's a command more than anything else with just a hint of desperation behind
it. He looks back at me when I take too long, but I can't help it really, I'm just staring at how stunning he looks lying
there waiting.

"God Justin, you are beautiful..." I whisper as I slide inside of him. I press myself against his back and hold him
tight against me for a few moments until I hear his breathing settle down some. We start moving together in the
familiar motion that we've perfected with each other slow strokes at first then faster until we're both moaning and
nearly ready to come.

That's when I hear someone walking around in the living room. I'm disoriented and suddenly feel all alone in my
bed. I look around my vision hazy from sleep.

"Justin?" I realize as soon as I say it that it can't be him. He's still in the hospital. My damn dreams take me back to
great places sometimes.

"It's me." I hear Gus's voice and I sit up.

"What time is it?" I ask looking around feeling like I've only gotten about ten minutes of sleep.

"It's 9:30." He's in the kitchen now and I can hear the microwave humming within minutes.

"So I've been asleep about six hours?" I ask running my hand over my face and getting up to go to the bathroom.

"Try thirty hours."

I finish in the bathroom and come back out.

"Thirty hours?"

He shrugs. "You've been asleep since I got here last night about this time."

"Shit." I mumble and yawn. "I'm still tired."

"I figured. That's why I let you sleep."

The microwave beeps and he heads over to it and pulls out a huge bowl full of soup.

"Mom thought you might be hungry."

"I actually am." I sigh and sit down at the counter watching as he puts some of the soup into a bowl and slides it
toward me.

"Aren't you having any?" I ask as he places a package of crackers down next to the bowl.

"I already ate..."

He looks like he wants to say more. When I don't say anything he continues.

"...at the hospital with Justin."

"How's he feeling?" I ask, remembering the headache that he'd had when I was there earlier.

"He's pissed." Gus states as he begins cleaning up some nonexistent mess on the counter.

"About?"

"His mom is driving him crazy. You disappeared. Take your pick." He's watching me now for some kind of reaction,
but I'm not going to play into his hands.

"This soup is good. Did your mom make it?"

"Yeah, she did. Why did you leave?"

"Leave?"

"Don't play stupid with me dad. We both know you're not. You've been there everyday for nearly two months. His
mom shows up and you bolt."

"I didn't bolt. I came home to get some sleep which I obviously needed if I've really been asleep for over a day.
Besides, she's there now. He doesn't need me to watch out for him anymore, his mommy can do it just fine."

"Ok maybe you are stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Gus, drop it. Okay?"

"No. It's not okay. I'm not going to drop it."

"Well then keep talking, but don't expect me to listen."

"Sit down; SHUT up... and JUST fucking listen for once..."

I stare wide eyed at the little shit. I can't believe he has the balls to talk to me like that. I'm almost proud of him for
standing up to me and not taking anymore of my bullshit. I do as I'm told. I sit my ass down on one of the barstools
and stare at him crossly waiting for this to be over.

"Now don't interrupt me and don't get up and walk away from me either. I mean it."

"I'm going to tell you a little something about yourself. Okay?"

"I use to have this dad, he was great when I'd come over to visit. He'd laugh and have fun. He was in love."

I start to say something but he silences me with a look.

"I know you don't believe in love.... That's what you say to everyone else, but I know that that's fucking bullshit.
You just told me yourself the other day that you love him."

"I'm no good for him Gus." I push the soup away having lost my appetite completely now.

"Shut up." He glares at me and continues his rant.

"I know how you've been since you and Justin split up and I know how you've been for the last few weeks. The dad
I remember is back. You smile again. You laugh..."

He suddenly looks angrier than I've ever seen him. He walks away from me but I know he's not finished. He's pacing
around the living room but he keeps shooting this irritated look at me.

"Why do you want to be miserable? Is that how you feel safe? Trying to feel nothing at all? But ending up feeling
miserable?"

"Justin still loves you. I've seen you both lately. It's like someone turned the lights on for both of you. Like you've
both been stuck in the dark for too long and now that light is back on again."

"He never stopped loving you and I know you never stopped loving him. This is stupid! All of this wasted time!
You're not getting any younger dad and neither is he. Get your ass up, get in the shower, and go to him. Fucking get
your life started again before it's too late."

He stops and sinks down onto the sofa. The silence lasts for several minutes before he finally speaks again.

"You know what? I'm done now."

"Good." I say as I stand up.

"Do whatever the fuck you want. That's what you always do." His voice is low and raspy now.

I look over and realize that Gus is silently crying as he stares out the window. No sound, just tears streaking down
his cheeks.

"I need to take a shower." I simply state as I move toward the bedroom.

He wipes his tears quickly with the back of his hand and stands up.

"I'm going home."

He grabs his coat and heads for the door.

"You're not going to go see him are you?"

I don't answer him, because I don't know the answer to that yet. Silence fills the air around me, and then it's broken
as I hear the loft door open and shut.

I'm sitting at my desk in my office with my hand on the telephone receiver. I know he's not going to take my call,
but for my own sanity I have to keep trying.

"Hi. Is he home?"

I hear a sigh and I close my eyes ready for what is coming next.

"No, but I'll tell him that you called."

Then I hear the dial tone. I swallow hard and let out a short breath. It wasn't a surprise but it still caught me off
guard, again.

Gus hasn't returned any of my calls for a week. Lindsay is barely speaking to me, and when I do finally get a human
being to answer the phone over there it's always the same. She simply tells me that she'll tell him I called before she
hangs up the phone.


I lean back in my chair and push it away from my desk. Cynthia left hours ago along with nearly everyone else in
the office. Apparently they all have lives and families to go home to I surmise as I head toward the outside world
myself.

For the last week I've been trying to remember what it is that I do after work, or did do after work before I became
Justin's self appointed guardian. I know I had a life that didn't include him for nearly ten years, and I don't remember
ever sitting around twiddling my thumbs looking for something to do. So now I can't help but wonder why I can't
figure out my old routine or find a new one for that matter.

When I get into the jeep the clock on the radio shows me that it's nearly 8:30. Justin's probably bugging someone to
go and get him a snack from the vending machine, like he's done every night for the past few weeks after waking up
from a brief nap. I shake my head and try to push thoughts of Justin out of my mind. It's been over a week since I
last saw him, but still every time I look at a clock I can tell you exactly what he's doing. I could recite every minute
of this new routine we'd worked ourselves into over the last few weeks of his recovery. I could, but I won't.

I made my decision a few hours after Gus left the loft last week. I truly didn't know whether or not I was going to
see Justin after Gus finished his tirade at me. In the end I did exactly what I needed to do. I put a stop to all of it. The
more I thought about it, the clearer it became.

We had an understanding. The day after he woke up I told Justin that I thought we could be friends. The look he
gave me that morning told me that we could have been friends for a long time, if not for my stubbornness. Justin and
I had really talked to each other, for probably the first time in our lives, when I was staying at the hospital with him.
Well technically I talked and he listened but for the first time ever we communicated. Doesn't take a genius to figure
out where our original breakdown in communication started years ago now does it?

The night that Gus confronted me told me more than anything Justin ever could have said. I knew what Justin must
be thinking after I really thought about everything Gus said. If Gus was seeing more than just a friendship, Justin
was definitely getting that impression too. I had to make sure that I put a stop to it and I did, by merely staying away
from him.

I guess in a way I'm grateful that Jennifer Taylor did finally show up to take control of everything Justin related. It
gave me my life back. Justin doesn't need me around to take care of everything if Mommy is right there ready and
willing to do it. If she hadn't, I would have had to talk to Justin about it and I know I would have fucked that up.

I find myself stopping off at the diner unconsciously. I suppose I must be hungry if I'm here so I get out and go
inside. The place is actually pretty crowded for this time of night so I head to the counter to place an order to go.

"Turkey on whole grain, no mayo."

I take off my coat and sit down. The waitress is staring at me and I give her a questioning look as she turns over a
coffee cup and pours a hot cup for me.

"And?" She says.

"And what?" I ask.

"No cheeseburger today? Fries? Milkshake?"

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me suddenly. I just shake my head in response to her and pick up the
cup of coffee. She shrugs and leaves to get my order started.

I can't even fathom how many times I've been in here and ordered nearly the same thing to go in my lifetime without
anyone ever remarking about it or even caring. In the last month I'd been in here exactly three times to get Justin his
weekly fix of grease and calories, and now suddenly it's part of my regular order?

This is exactly how it all happened the last time. In ways I didn't even realize at first, he just kept slipping into my
life. I shake my head to shove any thoughts of Justin out of my mind. It's all over with now, I've made up my mind
and that's all there is to it.

This coffee has got to be the worst that I've ever had here. It's got to be worse than the leftover sludge I drank a few
of the nights I'd show up to give Justin a ride home at closing time. That seems like a lifetime ago and really it was.

I notice that the sugar packets on the counter are ready to spill over out of their little plastic container. I'm lost in
these mundane thoughts when I feel an arm on my shoulder. I look back and see Emmett standing there looking
down at me. I'm not sure I like the expression on his face it seems to be pity or maybe worry.

"Hey Em, how's it going?" I smile up at him.

"You looked deep in thought. Is everything alright?" He takes the seat next to me and busies himself taking off his
coat and getting settled in.

"Everything's peachy." I force another smile.

"I haven't seen you at the hospital the last few times I went up to see Justin."

If he's waiting for me to answer that, he's going to be waiting for quite awhile. I'm not going to discuss Justin with
him. Hell, I'm trying to put him out of my mind and this isn't helping me do that any faster.

"Is everything okay with you two?"

"Everything is fine with me and you saw Justin so you know everything is fine with him. End of story."

"That's not what I mean, Brian."

I take a sip of my coffee and stare straight ahead. Finally I growl out an answer.

"I know what you mean and that's none of your business."

"I suppose it's none of Justin's business either?" His voice is dripping with sweetness now but I swear if I look at
him I'll see that his claws have come out.

"I suppose it isn't." I really have nothing else to say to him now. From the corner of my eye I can see that he's ready
to say more.

Lucky for me, the waitress appears with my takeout order. I grab my coat and my order and head for the door
leaving Emmett and his conversation behind.

I nearly run Ted over as I hurry toward the jeep parked outside. He's not even looking up and he mumbles an
apology as I grunt my way past him. I'm almost to the jeep when I hear him acknowledge me.

"Brian?"

I turn and look at him. He's got a look of indifference on his face and that's a relief. I'm tired of getting concerned
looks from people. Michael when he stops by the loft just because he's in the neighborhood, Emmett just now in the
diner, Lindsay and Melanie before they decided that I must be Satan himself to make Gus stop talking to me, even
Cynthia has started to look at me like a worried mother does her child. For this reason alone, I actually like Ted right
now.

"Yeah?"

"Are you doing anything tonight?" He says it so casually that you'd think the two of us get together regularly for tea.

"Why Ted, are you asking me out?" I can't actually let him know this is the best offer I've had all week. I'm amusing
myself knowing that he's going to actually believe that I think he's hitting on me.

"N-No." He stammers and then he sees the smirk on my face.

"You shit. Forget it." He starts toward the diner and I'm compelled to stop him.

"Ted." He turns and scowls at me. "What were you going say?"

"I just wanted to know if you wanted to go play some pool at Woody's, but I forgot that you're an asshole."

"What time?" I ask impatiently, as if it's the last thing on earth that I want to do. As if my showing up will be the
biggest sacrifice I've ever made in my life.

"Ten o'clock?"

"I'll meet you there."


Of course I arrive fifteen minutes late and Ted is sitting at a table in the back sipping on a martini. He's gawking at
the table of guys across from him. He's probably the oldest person here and I suddenly realize that probably makes
me the second oldest. I've still got my looks though: poor Theodore Schmidt never even had that going for him. He
finally pulls his attention away from that table of guys and sees me heading toward him. I pull out a chair and sit
across from him.

Ted signals for the waiter. "Beer?" He asks me just before the waiter arrives. I shrug and he orders himself another
martini and my beer. We sit there for a few minutes neither one of us really saying anything. Ted clears his throat
and I give him one of my best annoyed looks.

"So Brian..." I feel like tuning him out, but I remember that I'm trying to figure out what it is that I do in my free
time and for some odd reason I think Ted might be able to help me figure it out. "...I was talking to Emmett at the
diner. He said you stopped going to see Justin." He actually sounds surprised by this bit of news and that irritates me
although I'm not exactly sure why.

"Yeah." I answer. I don't have anything else to add to this conversation so I just remain silent.

"Not going to talk about that huh?"

The waiter comes back with our drinks. I grab mine and take a nice long drink from it.

"Nope." I finally answer him.

Ted nods and takes a drink as well.

"Emmett said you wouldn't talk about it. I just thought it might help if you talked about it. You know put your
feelings on the table so to speak."

"Well what do you know? Emmett's right about something for once." I'm regretting that I'm here already. "You
know Ted. I think you've been hanging out with Melanie too much. All of this talking and wanting to share your
feelings. What are you a lesbian?" I scowl at him as I motion for the waiter to bring me another beer. "I thought you
wanted to play pool?" He nods and stands up. I grab my beer from the waiter as I follow Ted toward the pool table.

I easily beat him four games in a row. Our conversation stays at the bare minimum and my alcohol consumption
goes into maximum overdrive. After about eight beers, maybe it was nine, I'm not really sure I lost count
somewhere, I switch over to Beam. I'm actually having a pretty good time. Ted seems to be too, but for the life of
me I can't figure out why. He's losing and I'm pretty much only speaking to him when I feel the need to insult him.

"You want to play another?" I ask as I beat him for the fifth time. He shakes his head and I find myself laughing at
him. I don't think I've ever seen him this drunk before. He has been keeping up with me beer for beer, then shot for
shot after he'd finished that martini. I think he switched over to beer after I'd made some crude comment about
martini's and olives or something. Shit I can't remember what I'd even said, but it was insulting. At least I think it
was insulting, shit I don't even know.

"No more pool. I think I need to sit down." He stumbles back to a table and I follow him. I'm not as steady on my
feet as I'd like to be, but I don't care really because I haven't thought about Justin or Gus for the last few hours. Well
until now that is. Damn that. I look up at the clock and see that it's after 1:30. That of course reminds me that Justin's
sleeping right now. Fuck. I have got to stop doing this. I don't want to think about him. In fact right at this very
moment I don't want to think about anything, so I order another Beam and sit across from Ted just sulking.

"Brian, how long have I known you?"

"Too long?" I reply with my usual wit and charm.

"Yeah, too long, that's for sure." Ted laughs lightly then his tone turns very serious.

"It's not so bad to care about someone Brian." He says that and I wonder what my face must look like right now.
How did it give away my thoughts?

"I don't know what you're talking about." I mumble as I take another drink trying to numb myself from it all.

"Yeah... you do." He shakes his head at me and looks at me full of regret. "You love him now, just like you did then,
you'll probably always love him."

"The sky will probably always be blue and the grass will probably always be green. Probably but you never know."
Maybe just maybe I can get this conversation completely off track.

"I guess I never really saw it. Even when it was the only thing Emmett wanted to talk about. Especially after you
kicked him out. He said it over and over again. Brian loves Justin. I always thought he was full of shit." Ok he's got
my attention now. I'm not sure why I care what Ted has to say, but suddenly I'm mesmerized by his words. Maybe
it's because he's one of the only people in our little circle of friends that hasn't been shoving an opinion down my
throat for the last eighteen years or so. Then again, it might just be because I'm too drunk to figure out a way to
avoid listening to him.

"I took you at your word. Brian Kinney always tells the truth. If you told him that you didn't care about him
anymore I took that as the reality. I didn't see what Emmett always saw, until Justin got hurt again. I really didn't see
it at first even then, but I do now." He tips his bottle at me and takes another drink. I down the rest of my Beam and
shake my head at Ted

"Blah...blah...blah... why does everyone want to talk? Talk...talk...talk...people fucking talk too much." Ted stays
silent and stares at me.

"So fucking what if I do love him? Fuck that. I need him. Fuck that too. He doesn't need me, that's for damn sure.
He's got mommy and Gus to take care of him. Fuck it all." Shit. Everything is a bit cloudy in my head, but I'm
almost positive that I just admitted to Ted that I love Justin. It's one thing to admit it to myself or to Gus but that's as
far as it was ever supposed to go.

"Hmmm." That's all he says. Fucking Hmmm.

"What do you know about love anyway Ted?" Now I'm pissed.

"Brian. I've been in several relationships. I think I know more than you do. You've been in what? One? Why is
that?"

"Why is what?"

"Why didn't you get involved with anyone else after Justin?"

"I've been involved plenty since Justin."

"I don't mean tricks Brian. I mean why didn't you find someone else to love?"

"Fuck you Ted."

"I mean... It's just that... well..."

"Well what Ted? Spit it out already!"

"It's just that you weren't so bad at the relationship thing."

I snort. That doesn't even deserve an answer. Ted is the only person alive that thinks I'm not so bad at relationships.

"I'm serious Brian."

"That's what I find so funny. You're the only person who thinks I'm good in a relationship. I know I don't think I am.
I'm sure Justin doesn't think I am, and everyone else always had their say during our relationship. Christ every time I
turned around someone was telling me what I was doing wrong. How I should be treating Justin, except Justin, he

just went along with whatever I said or did. He needed to become his own person. He didn't need my fucking
bullshit." I stop and take in a deep breath. "He didn't need me hurting him all the time."

"Did you ever stop to ask him what he needed?"

I stand up and shake my head.

"I'm not talking about this anymore. Fuck it. I'm out of here."

"Brian... Brian..."

Suddenly I whirl around and lean my arms down on the table to steady myself and to look him dead in the eyes so
that he can understand everything I'm about to say.

"What do you want me to say Ted? I fucked up? Is that what you need to hear? Will that make you feel better about
your life? Well fuck that! I didn't fuck up. I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

I let out an exasperated sigh, as if I've explained this a million times before. It doesn't matter if it's the first time I've
ever said it to him, I've said it to myself at least that many times.

"Just look at everything he accomplished on his own. His job at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, he's had tons of shows
at that damn art gallery." I pause for a second and push away the thought that he'd been at the gallery for his show's
opening night just hours before he was hurt. "He's been in more than one relationship since I ended it, he's been
happy. He needed to know he could do all of that. He needed to see who he would become without me."

Ted is still looking at me as if he doesn't believe a single word that I'm saying to him.

"I needed him to do that too, because I will not be responsible for ruining someone's life and I won't be depended on
to make someone else happy. He had to do all of that on his own. Don't you understand?"

Ted is staring at me now and he's shaking his head.

"I don't understand Brian."

"Well fuck it. I don't need you to understand. What I need right now is to go home." I do need to go home. My head
is spinning, in fact the whole room kind of has a little bit of a spin to it. I just need to get home and into my bed. I
start toward the door and I hear Ted behind me.

"Brian... that's not what I meant. I understand what you did and your reasons. I just don't understand how you could
do it. How could you live without someone that you obviously love so intensely?"

I laugh then and I'm not sure why. I just mainly focus on walking toward the door. Ted gets there just ahead of me
and stops me.

"We can't drive Brian. I'm calling Emmett or Michael."

I groan and I know he's right.

"Call Michael, I'll be back." I say as I head toward the bathroom.


I'm aware of Ted entering the bathroom although I'm not sure how long I've been in there. I feel like shit and as I
stare at myself in the mirror above the sink, I realize I look like shit too. I splash a little water on my face, I think I
might have puked in one of the stalls but that's kind of fuzzy right now. It had to have been that takeout from the
diner that did this too me.

Ted's sort of helping me stand up straight. He turns the water off and he's walking me toward the door.

"Our ride is here."

I wonder why Mikey isn't in here helping me get to the car. Ted seems to be doing a pretty good job though; I've got
to hand it to him. Where the hell is Michael? I must have pissed him off too. I laugh at that and mumble to Ted.

"He can join the fucking club. They're all pissed at me. Fuck 'em."

I lightly push Ted away and prove to him that I can stand and walk on my own as he opens up the bathroom door. I
sway just a little but I think I'm doing quite well as I follow him toward the door.

"So where is he?" I ask as I scan the bar for Mikey.

"Our ride is outside." Ted says as he hands me my jacket. "Come on." I continue to follow him. I just concentrate on
moving one foot, and then the other. I stumble just a little getting out the door, but I quickly recover.

"It's fucking cold out here." I grumble as we reach the sidewalk just outside of Woody's. That's when I hear someone
laying on their horn. I look up and see Melanie sitting behind the wheel of her car.

"Christ! What the fuck does she want?" I start searching for my cigarettes and I watch as Ted starts toward the car.

"Good you go and get rid of her. I don't want to deal with her. Where's Mikey?"

I finally get a cigarette out and lit. Ted has stopped just outside of the car. He turns and looks at me apprehensively.

"She's our ride. Come on." If looks could kill I'd be guilty of murdering Ted right now.

"Jesus Christ! What the fuck Ted! Melanie?" He gets into the car and Melanie yells through the open door.

"You better get your ass moving if you want a ride." I know I can't walk home. I barely made it outside of the bar on
my own. Driving would be an option, if only I could remember where I parked my jeep.

Melanie lays on the horn again and reluctantly I walk over to the car. I can't believe Ted called her of all people to
come and get us.

"Toss the cigarette. You're not smoking in my car." Fucking bitch. I take another hit before tossing the cigarette onto
the ground, but I exhale the smoke into the car as I get inside just to piss her off. She barely lets me get the door shut
before she pulls away from the curb. I lean my head back on the seat and listen to her and Ted talk while she drives.

"I couldn't get a hold of Michael or Emmett. I'm glad you guys were home. I really appreciate you coming to get
us."

"We're always home at this hour Ted."

"I'm sorry. It's late isn't it?"

"It's just after 2:00 Teddy. Shouldn't you be home sleeping? Don't you have some big jerk-a-thon happening
tomorrow on your website?"

"Yeah, it's not until tomorrow afternoon. My usual jerkers will be on until then. My staff can handle that without
me. I didn't wake up Lindsay when I called, did I?"

"No. She was up. She's waiting for Gus to get home."

"Thanks Mel. I'm sorry to drag you out at this hour, but..." I'm not sure I've ever understood why these two are
friends. Wait a second. Did she just say that Gus is still out? After 2:00? Nice parenting.

"It's okay Teddy." Jesus, she's practically sugary sweet when she talks to him.

"You should have called a cab, Ted." I interject from the backseat.

"Shut up Brian." The sugar voice is gone instantly, replaced with anger and hate.

I snort and we drive in silence for a few blocks.

"So why is my son out past 2:00 in the morning?"

"MY son is at the hospital with YOUR ex. Not that it's any of your business. Now that he's finally figured out what
an asshole you are he doesn't want anything to do with you. I wondered how long it would take for him to see you
for what you really are."

"Stop the car!" I yell. I'm sure that I'm about to puke again, the memory of being sick in the bathroom at Woody's is
finally clear as day to me.

"No! I'm not stopping the car." She presses down on the gas pedal harder and the car lurches forward along with my
stomach. Ted turns around to look at me and he knows what's about to happen.

"Melanie. Stop the car. Brian is about to be sick all over your backseat."

I feel the car stop and I fumble with the door handle for a few seconds before finally releasing myself from the car. I
look around and we've stopped near a wooded area. I head toward the closest tree and support myself on it while
emptying my stomach out completely. I can hear Melanie bitching to Ted from the car. My head is pounding now
and the last thing I want to do is get back into that car with her, so I just lean against the tree for the longest time.

I don't remember getting back into the car but I know that I'm there. I can hear Ted and Melanie talking again.

"Maybe he could stay at your place." She says.

"Do you think that's really a good idea?"

"You're right. He'll be an asshole in the morning and you'd have to deal with it before you leave for work. We at
least have the luxury of not working tomorrow and apparently now our Saturday will be ruined by an asshole."

"I'm really sorry Mel. I guess we didn't realize how much we were drinking."

"Don't apologize Ted."

"I can't believe he passed out leaning against that tree."

"Did you see the knot on his forehead?" She laughs.

"He's going to be pissed when he sees that."

"Serves him fucking right!"

It barely registers to me when the car does stop. Melanie and Ted begin pulling me out of the car. I try to fight it but
somehow I can't even tell them to fuck off. They lean me against the cold door frame and my eyes flutter open for a
second. I see Melanie unlocking the door, then Lindsay standing on the other side of it."

"Oh my God! What happened to him?" She sounds frantic. My eyes droop closed again.

"He's drunk. That's what happened to him." Fuck you Mel, I want to say. Instead I let them lead me to the sofa. I feel
my shoes being taken off and an itchy afghan is thrown over top of me. I hear Melanie and Ted leaving, and then
there is silence.

I wake up to the smell of bacon burning. I bury my head under the itchy afghan and try to block of the voices
coming from the kitchen.

"Did Gus see him there last night?" I wince when I hear that question.

"Yes Mel. He saw him as soon as he got home."

"Well what did he think of his drunken father?"

"He didn't say anything. He just went up to his room."

"What time did he finally get home?"

"It was almost four."

"Lindsay I don't like him staying out that late."

"It's not like he's out, Mel. He's at the hospital."

"Well he should be home in bed."

"Melanie..."

"I know I know... He feels like he has to take care of Justin now. That's bullshit Linds!"

"Well we won't have to worry about it in a few days. I talked to Jennifer last night; Justin's going to be released
soon."

"When did you talk to her?"

"She called right before Gus got home. She always calls to let me know he's on his way home."

"She's taking advantage of Gus. She should be at that hospital at night, not our seventeen year old son." I hate to
admit to myself that I agree with Melanie on that one. It doesn't surprise me though, that's typical Jennifer Taylor,
always pawning Justin off on someone else.

I hear the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Shhhh... He's coming."

"Hey Baby." Lindsay's cheerfulness sounds completely fake this morning.

"Good Morning Gus. You're up early."

"Yeah." I notice that he sounds tired.

"Let me get you some breakfast." I can just picture her hovering over him like he's an infant.

"I'm not really that hungry. Some juice maybe..."

"Coming right up sweetie." God Linds, smother the kid why don't you?

"Is your father still passed out on the sofa?" Bitch!

"Melanie!" Lindsay scolds her halfheartedly.

"Yeah." Gus's voice is emotionless as he answers her.

Melanie drops her line of questioning and things in the kitchen seem to quiet down. I'm not sure if I fell back asleep
or what, but before I know it the house seems empty and I'm sitting up on the sofa staring at a painting Lindsay has
hung on the wall. A few moments later Gus enters the room and sighs.

"You need a ride home Dad?"

I nod and stand up.



I notice somewhere between the living room and the car that Gus won't even look at me. He hasn't spoken to me
either, except to offer me a ride. We get into Melanie's car and I think I have a way of getting back on his good side.
I clear my throat and look over at him. He's still looking straight ahead trying to avoid me.

"I was thinking, instead of always depending on one of your mom's cars, that you should probably have your own."

He doesn't say anything; he just continues looking straight ahead. Well obviously he doesn't understand what I am
getting at, so I continue.

"I'm buying."

Still nothing, Jesus! If someone had offered me a car when I was seventeen, I'd have been jumping for joy. Well, not
literally, but I would have at least shown a little enthusiasm or some gratitude.

"Gus." I see his jaw clench.

"What?"

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah." His voice is flat.

"I'm offering you a fucking car."

"I heard you. I don't want it." I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe it.

"What?" My voice rises a bit and I wonder how it is that he can act like a fucking two year old.

"I said I don't want it." Now he just sounds like a petulant child.

"And why the hell not?" Ok so I'm starting to sound just like him.

He steals a quick look at me and I see only anger and hurt radiating from him.

"Because Dad. You can't just buy me something to fix this." Ok there it is. The line has been drawn. He's not going
to forgive me, ever.

"Fix what?" I ask my voice quavering only slightly.

"Never mind." He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

Well this is going great. The first conversation we've had in over a week and instead of talking about the fact that
he's angry with me, I offer him a car and piss him off even more. I probably should just leave it alone. He's
obviously going to hold onto this for a long time unless he can get me to do what he wants. I'm not stupid I know
what he wants. I can't do that, but I might as well try another tactic since we're still a good ten minutes away from
where I left the jeep.

"You haven't returned any of my calls this week."

He's quiet for a long time and I'm pretty sure he's not going to answer me. I fumble in my jacket pocket looking for
my cigarettes. Finally I find one and light it. He sighs.

"At least roll down the window. Mom doesn't let anyone smoke in here."

I roll down the window and stare at the cigarette in my fingers. The burning ember creeps its way closer to my
fingers as the gray ash grows longer. Eventually I just toss it out the window. Fine he doesn't want to talk at all, and
since that's never been my strong suit anyway I give up.

"Stop the car." I order Gus quietly.

"What?" He apparently hasn't heard me.

"Stop the car." I try again a little louder.

"Why?" Gus is looking at me skeptically.

"Just stop the car okay. I want to walk the rest of the way."

I stare out of the open window. I close my eyes and let the morning sun warm my face. I'm feeling almost suffocated
and I'm trying very hard to stay calm. Gus pulls into a parking lot and stops the car not a moment too soon. His
voice stops me before I can get the door open.

"I'm sorry that I haven't called you back. I wasn't avoiding you. Well not really. I've been busy..."

"Don't worry about it." I say as I open the door.

"Dad..." He pulls slightly on my arm trying to get me to look at him.

"I said don't worry about it Gus."

"Are you hungry?" He asks suddenly changing the subject.

"We could grab breakfast at the diner before we get the jeep." He raises his eyebrows. I nod and close the car door.
Just like that he lets me know he's going to forgive me.

We get to the diner and settle into a booth in the back. After we've ordered Gus starts to talk about school and a few
colleges that he's thinking about applying to. Most of them are close to home, just a few hours away by car. A few
are half way across the country.

"I just don't know if I want to be that far away though." He looks down at the table embarrassed.

"You know you can come home whenever you want on weekends and holidays."

"Not if I go across the country."

"Even if you go across the country you can be home in a few hours. That's what airplanes are for." He knows that I
can afford to fly him home every damn weekend if he wants to be here.

"I guess." He says softly. I notice how tired he looks. I hadn't seen it before. Suddenly I remember that he'd just
gotten in at four this morning. I look over at the clock on the wall and see that it's almost nine o'clock now.

Our food arrives and we let a comfortable silence take over our booth. I'm sipping on my coffee when I notice Gus
look over at the clock. His brow furrows and he puts his fork down. He wipes his mouth quickly with a napkin.

"I'm going to be late. I'll be right back I have to make a call." He stands up and I see him head toward the restroom.
He has his cell phone out and he's dialing as he heads out of my view.

I motion for the check and finish the last of my coffee before Gus returns. As he approaches the table I stand and
head toward the register. He follows and I can't help but wonder just where he needs to be so early on a Saturday
morning.

He yawns a few times while I pay for breakfast and once more as he gets behind the wheel. As soon as I get in the
car I take the keys out of his hand. He looks at me quizzically.

"Ok sonny boy. Just where are you heading after you drop me off?" I'm pretty sure that I know the answer, but I
want to be sure.

"Don't ask, okay?" He holds his hand out expecting me to drop the keys into his palm.

"I just asked." He shuts his eyes and leans his head against the window.

"Do you know how hard I've been working at not saying Justin's name all morning?" He asks quietly.

"The hospital huh?" He nods.

"You were just there a few hours ago."

"I know but his mom has something to do today. She won't be back until sometime tonight. She mentioned it last
night and I offered to visit while she was gone. Can I have the keys back now?" He sighs and I shake my head no. "I
called her from the diner and she's already left. He's asleep now... I want to get there before he wakes up."

I don't say anything more. I simply hand him back the keys. He starts the car and drives the five blocks to where I'd
left my jeep last night. I get out and stand with the door open for a minute.

"Gus, go home and get some sleep. I'll go sit with him for awhile. Okay?"

He tries to hide the huge grin that's threatening to spill out all over his face. His eyes give him away though. I shake
my head. Shit... What am I doing?

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. You look like you could use a few more hours of sleep. I'll stay until you get there." I tell myself
that I'm doing this for Gus. He does look exhausted. I shut the car door and he heads off with a wave.


I'm pleasantly surprised when I wake up and realize that I'm alone. That hasn't happened in forever. I'm pretty sure
it'll only be a few moments before the door swings open and someone will be back. It's not that I don't appreciate my
friends and family, it's just that I think it's ridiculous that everyone feels the need to keep me under constant
surveillance.

I just wish they'd let me go home. I feel like I've been in this hospital for years. There's nothing really wrong with
me, at least not physically. Sure I was pretty weak when I first woke up, but I'm not anymore. I'm fine. I'd be better
if I could get a whole sentence out, but that's starting to work itself out too.

I yawn and sit up. My throat is dry and I can see the pitcher of water has been moved back onto a table closer to
where my mother's been camping out most nights. I really wish she'd go home and get a decent night of sleep. She's
not as young as she use to be. She's been looking extra tired lately and I'm really worried about her.

I get out of bed and pour myself a glass of water. I'd rather have a can of soda or some juice, but this will have to do
for now. My stomach grumbles some, I can smell breakfast out in the hallway so I know it's got to be almost nine
o'clock. That's one thing I've learned from my hospital stay, all the mundane things are done on a perpetual routine.
It's like clockwork. Every morning that breakfast tray arrives, at one o'clock lunch shows up, at five o'clock the
dinner trays arrive and at nine o'clock a snack tray is delivered. I've decided the reason behind that is to provide
some sort of sanity here. It helps to have a set routine even if it's not something you have direct power over; there is
a comfort in knowing that everything isn't out of control.

In reality most of the patients here feel as if they've lost control over something, whether it's a kidney that's failing or
an appendix that's ruptured or the total loss of consciousness due to the fact that some asshole beats you in the head
with a crowbar over a few hundred dollars in your fucking wallet and some credit cards. Am I bitter? I am. I've lost
a couple of dollars, a few meaningless credit cards, and a baby picture of Gus. All of that can be replaced. I'm bitter
that I've lost my voice. Well not my voice per say but my words. I don't understand it because in my head I have
them all it's when I open my mouth to speak that I have a problem.

I don't remember much about the first few days of waking from my coma, just that Brian and Gus were almost
always around when I opened my eyes. Nothing made sense, not the words they were saying or even the fact that
they were there. Gus says I slept a lot off and on when I was first coming around. The first thing I remember, even
though it's a fuzzy memory, was looking up at a wall of colors and designs. Gus later told me that he and Brian
worked on those drawings and paintings to try to bring me out of my nearly catatonic state. (His words not mine.)
I'm not sure if it helped but it did give me something to try to think about when I'd wake up, and since it is one of the
first things I remember I'd have to say it certainly didn't hurt.

My first solid memory after I woke up was of Brian. I thought I was dreaming at first. It certainly wouldn't have
been the first dream I've had of Brian in my life. This one seemed different somehow; for one thing he looked his
age. Not old, he'll never look old. He probably won't even look old when he's eighty. He looks incredible actually.
He's just starting to get a few small wrinkles near his eyes but unless you're looking for some kind of imperfection
you'd never see it. His hair is still the same chestnut brown color. He keeps it styled more now. There's definitely an
effort to get it looking that way it's different than the way he almost always let it style itself.

When I'm dreaming at night those dreams usually include the Brian that I shared eight years of my life with. This
Brian was the one that I normally see in passing and at social functions. This Brian is the one that looks incredibly
uncomfortable in my presence except that he didn't look uncomfortable when I first saw him there. I laid there
studying him for a few minutes trying to figure out if this was real or if I was asleep. He'd looked really tired and
frustrated. My mouth opened and I said "Hey." It was more of a greeting than a way to get his attention, but from his
reaction he needed something to get his attention so I said it again.

His voice was soft as he said "Hey" back. Maybe it was just the lighting in the room, but his eyes looked a little wet.
My head was pounding and my throat felt so dry. Brian seemed to know I needed something and as he poured me a
glass of water I could see his hands shaking slightly. I remember reaching for his hand at some point; I still needed
to touch him to convince myself that he was real. This wasn't a Brian that I saw often; this was the real man, the one
he kept hidden from nearly everyone. I remember that I asked him "Why?" I honestly was wondering why he was
here with me. I hadn't fully realizing where I was myself. When he answered that I'd been hurt it hadn't really
registered. I was just so tired.

I'm still standing near my bed lost in my thoughts when my breakfast tray arrives. I don't recognize the woman
bringing it in. She's a little thing and she reminds me of my grandmother a bit. She probably doesn't weigh more
than 90 pounds. She looks to be about all of four feet ten inches tall at the most. She's smiling when she walks in.

"I'm glad I didn't wake you. You'd be surprised at how many people are still sleeping at this hour. I've been awake
since four o'clock this morning myself."

I smile and hope that she'll just set the tray down and leave. I don't want her to think I'm rude. I remember a time
when I'd have stood here chatting with her for as long as it took for me to learn something about her. I know my
smile fades a little as I realize I can't do that now.

"Where would you like this sweetie?" She asks.

I feel my cheeks start to redden and I just point to the small table near the window. Her smile fades a little and I feel
stupid suddenly. She sets the tray down on the table and I do my best to smile as she's leaving the room.

"Thanks." I manage before she's out of the room.

"You're welcome honey. Now go eat your breakfast before it gets cold." She smiles at me again, but I still can't help
but feel like a fool. I head over to the small table and sit down. I pull the top off of the tray and begin eating the
scrambled eggs that are still steaming hot.

I realize now why I'm never here by myself. My mother and Gus have been my voice for me. As well as Brian
before his great disappearing act. I'm still not sure what's going on with that. I'm not sure I have enough energy on
my best day to figure that out. I thought we had finally gotten past our past. I was pretty sure that we were going to
do this friend thing that he kept talking about.

Maybe he's not sure about that now after waking up in bed with me that last morning. He'd been so drunk that last
night I saw him. I didn't want him to pass out in that chair and fall into the floor, so I'd helped him into bed with me.
I knew we could easily share it; we'd slept in tighter spots before for fun. When I woke up that morning he was
already out of bed and sitting in one of the chairs in the corner. His jaw was bruised and I wondered how that
happened, but of course I couldn't ask and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. He was still there when I went
off to physical therapy.

That had been a nightmare. My physical therapist, Kerry was giving me a deep tissue massage when suddenly I saw
a blinding light in front of my eyes and the pain started. My head felt like it was going to explode. It was probably
the worst headache I've ever experienced in my life. I tried to ignore it but when the massage was over and I had to
sit up, I nearly fell over face first off of the table. Luckily Kerry caught sight of me nearly tumbling over and she
grabbed my shoulders to steady me. She made me lay down on my back this time and she called in my doctor.

I couldn't really tell them what was happening, but somehow they seemed to know. Maybe it was the way I kept
clutching my head, trying to make the pain stop. The syringe full of medicine was greatly appreciated and slowly the
pain seemed to ease up a little. I didn't resist any help the nurses gave me getting me into the wheelchair or back into
my room and into bed. I remember seeing Brian in the room before I fell asleep. That was eight days ago and that
was the last time I can remember him being here.

I've had three more of those headaches since then, the last one being sometime last night. It's more of an
inconvenience than anything else. The pain medicine helps to get rid of them, but it leaves me extremely drained and
worn-out when I wake up. Luckily none of them have hit when my mother has been here. Poor Gus has been the one
with me for the last three. He's truly amazing for a kid. He seems to be able to handle all of this better than anyone
else. He called in the nurse and told her what was happening before the pain got too intense. My mother would have
panicked and made things worse. She wouldn't have meant to but, she doesn't seem to be able to help it when she
does. Gus merely handled everything and then sat nearby talking to me softly until I fell asleep.

I finish with my breakfast and wonder if maybe I am actually going to be alone here today. I shrug off the uneasy
feeling that gives me and I crawl back into bed. My energy still seems depleted from the drugs they gave me last
night. I let my eyes close for a few minutes but open them instantly when I hear the door start to open. Somehow I
know it's going to be Brian standing on the other side when it closes again. I yawn and he comes into view.

His hair is still wet and he looks like he's just taken a shower. He takes off his jacket and hangs it on one of the
hooks near the door. I take in his appearance and realize he's going to be here for awhile. No suit and tie, he's got on
a pair of soft looking denim jeans and a black long-sleeved button down shirt. He turns around and sees my eyes on
him.

"Hey." He says quietly.

"Hey." I answer.

He stands back for a few minutes and I see him chewing the inside of his bottom lip. I give him a tired smile. He
comes closer and his lips turn up slightly. He pulls a chair up near my bed.

"Tired?" He asks. His voice is soft.

"Yeah." I answer as my eyes feel heavier and heavier.

"Get some sleep. We can visit when you wake up."

I nod and I know he will be here when I wake up. I feel his fingers lightly rest on my arm as I drift off to sleep.



I'm not quite awake, but I'm not quite asleep. I hear voices and I'm vaguely aware that one of them belongs to Brian.
I kind of remember Brian being here when I fell asleep. I remember how he almost seemed timid coming into the
room. There was just the slightest hesitation to him as he came closer to sit down next to my bed. I remember how
serious his eyes looked.

"How many has he had?" I want to open my eyes and see who he's talking to, but they feel so heavy right now.

"Mr. Kinney. Please give me that chart. The contents of it aren't any of your business. That's Mr. Taylor's private
medical history. His mother has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want me speaking to anyone about Justin's
condition except for herself and Mr. Taylor."

"Then maybe you should have kept his chart in a private place. Anyone can just take it off of the wall over there. I'm
surprised his mother didn't put it in her purse and take it with her."

He sounds so angry. Why is he angry? I'm wondering why he even cares about my condition. Oh yeah, the friends
thing. We're going to be friends. That's what he said one night when he thought I was asleep. I remember him pacing
around my room. I was nearly asleep when I heard him talking. At first I thought someone else was in the room with
him, but then I opened my eyes and saw him alone rubbing the back of his neck and looking up at the ceiling. "I just
want to give this being friends thing a try. I'm probably an idiot for not doing this before." That's when I'd cleared
my throat and he looked over. He was caught and he knew it, so he bit his lip and gave me a half smile. "Yeah, so I
talk to myself now. You'll have to get use to it, if you want to do this friends thing." It was actually a pretty
endearing moment. I simply nodded and his half smile turned into a full fledged grin.

"Most people don't go snooping into the patient's charts. If I had known we needed to keep it under lock and key that
would have been arranged."

"I wasn't snooping. I was reading and before you attempted to snatch this out of my hand. I was reading about these
incapacitating headaches that Justin is having. Why don't you start with that and tell me what's going on? Tell me
what you're doing about it and what's causing it."

"Mr. Kinney you'll need to take that up with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, if they give me the authorization to discuss their
son's case with you. I'll be more than happy to do so, but right now I'm in the middle of my rounds. I have other
patients to check on. I'll be back later when Justin is awake." Something sounds very wrong with what the doctor
just said. I just can't for the life of me wake up enough to figure it out.

"Excuse me?" Lucky for me Brian seems to be able to make sense of what my doctor just said. "Did you just say..."
Or maybe he's just as confused as I am.

"Really Mr. Kinney I have other patients I must attend to..." The doctor's voice grows faint as he heads out the door.
Brian must have followed him because I can hear his voice, but I can't make out the actual words. It's muffled so I
assume he's gone out into the hallway.

I force myself to wake up now because I do know what the doctor said. He said Mr. and Mrs. Taylor and their son in
the same sentence. I feel like I've woke up in some sort of twilight zone where I'm seventeen again and mommy and
daddy are in charge of little Justin.

Brian comes back inside after a few minutes and he looks as confused as I feel. He tries to hide it the way he tries to
hide everything, but I can see that this is bothering him. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I'm bothered. I'm
more than fucking bothered. I'm pissed off now too. How old am I? I'm thirty-four years old that's how old I am. I
will not have other people making decisions for me not when I'm capable of making them on my own.

"You're awake." From the look on his face I can tell that Brian wishes I were still asleep.

"Yeah." God I wish I could say more. I try one of the techniques I've been working on with my speech therapist. I
try to repeat what Brian said. I know I can do this. "Aaa..." Fuck it's not working. I sigh angrily and flop backwards
on to my pillows.

"Awake." Brian states again. I nod and close my eyes because I can feel my frustration filling them up with tears
right now. "Try again." he says. "It doesn't hurt to try." I just shake my head wanting to avoid looking like an fool.
Brian sits down on the edge of the bed. "Come on Justin. You can do it. Try it again. Awake." He sounds so hopeful
that I do try again.

"Aaaaaa...waaaa"

I can't do it and I fucking give up. I feel like an idiot and this isn't helping anything. It's not like Brian needs me to
say that I'm awake for him to know it, so why should I even bother. When I look up at him he's smiling at me. It's a
real smile that reaches all the way to his eyes. He gives me a wink and a little shove in the arm. "Not bad. You
almost got it."

I shrug because even if it seems great to him that I could almost imitate the sound he was making it still pisses me
off. It's not like I can't say certain words. I've said other words just fine from the moment that I woke up, but
everything else just seems locked up in my head. It's all there but somewhere between my brain and my mouth it all
fucks up and won't come out.

"Come on Justin. Give it another try awake." Brian says again. Great now he wants to play make Justin look stupid.
I just shake my head at him and close my eyes again. I roll over and bury my head under the blankets. I don't want to
face him right now. This is easier to do with the speech pathologist. It's her job to listen to me sputtering sounds out.
It's not Brian's job, it's not even his problem. He needs to leave well enough alone.

"Good idea. Give up that'll make it easier won't it?" He's moved around to this side of the bed to annoy me now. I
pop my head out from the blankets and look up at him. I give him my best defiant stare. He rolls his eyes at me and
walks across the room.

"Mommy probably loves you this way. She can do all the talking for you and she can make all of your decisions.
That's perfect for her, she's been doing it behind your back for years, she might as well keep on doing it forever."

"FU...UUCKK..." I'm so fucking pissed at him. Who does he think he is talking to me like this. "YOU!" I can't
believe how pleased with himself he looks right now.

"Daddy dearest must really love this new change. It's what he's wanted for years! When did he start coming around
again? Huh? I'll bet he really likes this. This is the way he wanted you before. Well good for him, you can't talk
about your disgusting lifestyle. He must be on cloud nine."

I'm out of bed and standing eye to eye with Brian before I even realize it. He looks so fucking smug that I want to
strangle him. What kind of friend does this to someone?

"Shhhhhh uuutt UP Brian! Fuck you! Get the fuck OUT!!!!!!! NOW!!!! GO!!!!!!!"

He nods and starts for the door. I'm right behind him. I want to make sure he gets my message loud and clear. I want
him gone. I don't need this shit from anyone. He stops at the door and turns toward me.

"I promised Gus I'd stay until he got here. I'll be out in the hall if you need me."

"Get the fuck out of here Brian. I want you out of my sight."

Brian reaches his hand out and touches my cheek. His eyes are filled with pain and he takes in a deep breath.

"Congratulations. That's the most you've been able to say since you woke up." With that he turns and goes out the
door.


When I woke up this afternoon my moms were both home. They were busy going over some stuff for a charity
auction that they're in charge of in a few weeks at the GLC. I walked right past them as I grabbed Ma's keys and
headed out the door. They didn't seem to notice me, but that's been a regular occurrence lately.

I can't say I'm surprised when I get to the hospital and find my Dad sitting outside of Justin's room. I guess I
shouldn't have tried to get any sleep. Dad looks miserable and Justin's all alone, two more things that are my fault.
Dad looks up and gives me a wave when he sees me.

"Why are you out here?"

I look toward the door figuring I'll get an answer from it quicker than him.

"Justin told me to get out."

I turn back toward him.

"He did not."

I don't mean it to sound like I'm calling him a liar, but I'm just not buying this story. He must mean that Justin made
him leave, but he didn't really tell him to get out. He can't.

"Yes he did. I pissed him off pretty good."

He shrugs and shifts his feet a little.

"He actually told you to get out?" I guess I'm lost here because last time I checked Justin couldn't say more than ten
words tops.

"Yup. He told me to get out of his sight too."

A small smile appears on his lips before he looks away from me.

"Whoa."

That's really all I can say at this point. I have a ton of questions in my head, but they're not coming out. I want to
know why Justin threw dad out of his room. I want to know exactly what he said. I want to know how long Dad's
been out here. I want to know why he didn't just leave after Justin kicked him out but all I can manage is Whoa. So I
say it again.

"Whoa."

"You better go make sure he's okay. I'm dying for a smoke, but I'll be back up here in about ten minutes. If you get a
chance to come out here I need to talk to you."

I nod and head into Justin's room.

He's awake and sketching when I walk in. He looks up at me but he doesn't smile. I knew he'd blame me for the
fight he got into with my dad.

"Hey Jus."

"Hey."

"Feeling better today?"

I remember how bad he was last night. His headaches scare me to death, but no one will tell me anything about
them. His doctor just insists that he can't talk about Justin's condition with me, and then he dismisses me like the
child he believes me to be.

"Yeah."

"So you and my dad are fighting?"

I take off my coat and hang it next to the one that's already there. I check the label and it confirms what I already
knew, it's my dads.

"Yeah."

"What did he do now?"

He sets the sketch pad down and sighs.

"I get it. He was being himself."

He sort of snorts and rolls his eyes shaking his head in agreement.

"What did he do?"

I feel bad as soon as I ask because I know that he can't really tell me.

"Pushes.... too.... hard."

I spin around and stare for just a second in shock. Well I'll be damned. Justin is talking now. Way to go Dad!

"He's been known to do that. He means well you know." If I don't defend him no one will.

"Is.... he still.... here?"

I'm almost shocked by him asking, because this has to be the first question he's been able to ask besides "Why?"

"Yeah but he went out for a smoke."

I look back over at his jacket and figure it'll be a quick smoke for him. He's not likely to stay out there long with the
temperature below ten degrees.

"Fuck him." Justin looks angry but his voice is softer.

"He really pissed you off huh?" He nods.

"Why.... is he.... still here?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask him."

"Fuck him." He says again.

He points to my dad's jacket.

"Cold... outside?"

"Cold doesn't begin to describe it."

I shiver just thinking about it. At least this room is well heated. It's almost too hot in here for me; Justin doesn't seem
to be overheated though so maybe it's just me.

"His jacket..." He sighs.

"If he wants it, he knows where it is."

I know I should take his jacket out to him. It's cold and he'll probably catch pneumonia now that I refused to take it.
I could easily run it down to him, but he could have just as easily stuck his head back into the room and gotten the
damn thing himself.

"You really told him to get out?"

Justin nods.

"You're both idiots, you know that right?"

He rolls his eyes at me. At this point I really don't care if I piss him off or not, he needs to hear this just as much as
my dad does.

"You're both still so fucking much in love with each other that it's not funny, but you're both still putting up this
stupid front. How long is this going to last? For the rest of your lives?"

"He kicked... me out... first."

Justin picks up his sketchbook and starts to draw. I'm sure that's his not so subtle way of telling me that he's not
going to listen to anything else I say. Well that might work on some people but not on me.

"Yeah, he did. That was ten years ago and neither one of you have been happy since."

Justin looks up and I can't read his expression. It's not quite anger, it's not even sadness, it's almost like he's trying to
cover up whatever it is that he's really feeling and I only thought my dad was a master at that.

"Take him the... jacket Gus." I would laugh now, because it is so obvious that he cares about Dad still, but it's really
sad to see Justin trying to shut off his emotions like this.

"Ok 'Dad'." I say sarcastically as I get up.

Justin raises his eyebrows at that.

"Hey if you're going to act like him, I might as well pretend that you are him."

I grab the jacket off of the hook.

"I'll be back. Don't go anywhere."

That earns me a chuckle.

"Smart ass." I hear him say it as the door closes.

Christ he is turning into my dad. That's not exactly a comforting thought. I shudder at the mere thought of two of
them for me to deal with? That's too fucking scary if you ask me.

I find my dad outside shivering as he lights up a cigarette. He's sitting down and I see a steaming cup of coffee
sitting next to his cigarette pack on the bench. He looks over at me and I hold out his jacket.

"Thanks." He says quietly.

He picks up the coffee cup, moves it to the other side of the bench and I sit next to him. As he puts his jacket on I
take one of his cigarettes and light it.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

He grabs my wrist. I try to pull it free but he's not loosening up his grip one bit.

"Drop the cigarette."

"No." I state definitely.

He lets go of my wrist and drops his own cigarette to the ground. He crushes it out with the toe of his shoe.

"Since when do you smoke?"

He's not looking at me and I'm glad because counting right now I've only ever had two cigarettes in my life. The first
one was when I was ten years old. It was with Tommy Mason, he'd swiped a pack from his mom. I coughed for an
hour straight after that failed attempt at being an adult. I suck in a little of the smoke now and I can feel my nose
crinkle up involuntarily. I just shrug and hold it out to him.

"I don't. You want it?"

He smirks as he takes it from me. He inhales once and then drops it to the ground next to the other one. He goes
through the same ritual of carefully crushing it out with the toe of his shoe.

"So what was that all about then?"

"I don't know. It got your attention."

"If you want my attention ask for it. Don't do something stupid to warrant it."

"Okay."

"So what's wrong?" He's watching me now. I can practically see the wheels turning in his brain. He always wants to
be one step ahead of people, but he isn't sure where I'm coming from.

"I don't know." I answer meekly and it's true. I'm not sure what's wrong. Everything seems wrong, but he wouldn't
know about any of it. He hasn't been around in the last two weeks so his wheels can keep spinning he's not going to
figure me out. Hell I can't even figure me out.

"Something's bothering you."

He looks away and I stay silent for a few minutes. Finally the words start to spill out of me.

"No one takes me seriously. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

"Cause you're a kid."

He smiles and pats me on the head.

"I'm serious Dad."

I don't know why I even bothered to talk to him. Why should he be any different than my moms? Why would he
even take the time out of his busy schedule to listen to me? I lean back on the bench and close my eyes.

"I know you are Gus. So who won't listen to you?" His voice has taken on a serious tone now and I open one eye to
make sure he's not just patronizing me.

"You, Justin, Mom, Ma..." I let my voice trail off.

"Maybe you just think we're not listening."

He takes a sip of his coffee and lights another cigarette.

"You might not think so, but you're coming through loud and clear."

That gives me some hope at least where he's concerned. Maybe I'm getting through his thick skull. Of course that
would happen at the same time that Justin's going to start imitating Dad.

"Well one out of four ain't bad."

"Isn't bad." He corrects my English.

"I know."

He sighs and puts his arm around my shoulder.

"You know Justin isn't really mad at me, don't you?"

"He's not?" I look at him incredulously.

"Nope." I wait for him to elaborate but he doesn't.

"Who's he mad at? Me?"

Dad looks at me like I'm completely out of my mind.

"Why would he be mad at you?"

"Because everything is my fault?"

"What's your fault?"

"All of this. Everything."

"Bullshit Gus. None of this is your fault. Stop blaming yourself."

"I didn't stop him from getting hurt. That's why he almost died. That's why he couldn't talk, that's why he's having
these headaches. The two of you fighting is my fault. You wouldn't even be here if I hadn't made you come today
instead of me. If I had gotten here sooner maybe you two wouldn't be mad at each other."

"And maybe he still wouldn't be able to communicate?"

"That's the only good thing that came out of this."

Before I knew what was happening he had his arms wrapped around me in a tight hug.

"I'm not mad at Justin, okay? He thinks he's mad at me, but he's not."

Then he leaned closer and whispered.

"You never know what could happen Gus. Maybe it won't be the only good thing to come out of this."

He says it so quietly that I wouldn't even be sure that I heard him if I hadn't felt his breath on my ear. I think I know
what he means. At least I hope it's what I think. He lets me go and stands up.

"Are you going home?" I ask him.

"No. I want to get back inside. It's fucking cold out here."

He kicks at my feet.

"Come on. Let's go upstairs so I can annoy the hell out of Justin again for awhile."

"Hey, you said you wanted to talk to me about something earlier." I suddenly remember him saying that.

"Yeah I do want to talk to you. It can wait though. You can come by the loft tonight when you leave here. We'll
order something in, okay?"

"Yeah we can do that."

I've really missed him. I know I was a shit not taking his calls, but he was a shit too for not coming to see Justin.

I follow him inside and once we get on the elevator and we're alone he turns toward me.

"I have one question right now. Has Justin's dad been back around?"

I wonder why he's asking me that. I shake my head and look at him confused.

"I haven't seen him since the day he punched you. Why?"

"I just wondered."

I don't really buy that, but as I'm about to press the issue the elevator door opens up and he steps out into the
hallway.

"Come on sonny boy. You can go in first to protect me from flying bedpans."

I laugh but I do go in before him. There aren't any flying bedpans. In fact Justin looks relieved that Dad's with me.

"We're back."

"Hey." Justin says.

"Hey. Miss me?" Dad asks as he shrugs off his jacket and hangs it up.

"Miss me?" Justin says with a smirk.

"Did anyone miss me?" I ask and feign a hurt expression.

They both laugh at me or with me. I'm not sure and I don't even care. It's just nice that we're all here and we're all
laughing.


The rest of the day seemed to fly by after Gus and I returned to Justin's room. It wasn't until Justin's dinner arrived
that I even realized how late it was getting. His mom should be back soon and that's a confrontation I'd really like to
save for later, but something won't let me leave.

"Hey Dad?" I'd been staring out the window for the last few minutes watching the sky get darker.

"Hmm?" I turned around. Justin was pushing his dinner tray aside. From the look of it he'd barely finished half of it.

"Just checking to see if you're still with us." Gus was smiling as he began eating a little square piece of chocolate
cake off of Justin's tray. I just shook my head at them and smiled.

"Yeah I'm still here." Justin and Gus are both watching me curiously now and I'm wondering exactly what it is that
has them so interested in me.

"You look tired." Still smiling at him I shrug.

"Your mothers need a new sofa." Justin raises an eyebrow at that comment.

"Dad spent the night..."

"Don't you need to get back home? Shouldn't you have homework? Chores? Something?" I interrupt him hoping
he'll get the message to shut up now.

"...passed out in the living room. I'm still not sure how he ended up there. Why did you end up at our house?"
Obviously the message was not received. Thanks sonny boy.

"Because Ted is an idiot." It seems like more than enough of an explanation to me. Gus doesn't seem satisfied, but
the smile on Justin's face tells me that he understands.

Justin laughs softly as he leans back against the pillows on his bed. He closes his eyes for a moment and Gus shoots
a worried look over at him.

"You okay Jus?" He pushes the empty cake plate aside and bites the inside of his bottom lip while he watches Justin
intently.

"Fine." Justin smiles. "Tired."

"You sure?" Gus still has him under a watchful eye. Justin nods again and closes his eyes. After a few minutes Gus
seems to be satisfied and starts back in on me.

"So Ted's an idiot... but somehow he's not the one that ended up at our house."

I make a sound and roll my eyes. I'm not sure if it would be classified as a snort or a huff, either way I made my
point. I turn away from them and place my attention back toward the window.

"You ever think that maybe you drink too much?" Gus asks me seriously. That was probably the last thing I was
expecting to hear. I don't respond. I simply keep looking out the window.

"Gus... stop it." I hear Justin warning him.

"What? Stop telling him what he needs to hear?" I keep my back to them and my attention focused at the world
outside of this window.

"Gus." From the sound of his voice I can tell that he's exhausted. I turn and look at Justin. His eyes are only half
open and he seems to be blinking in slow motion. That's a sure sign that he's only a few minutes away from sleep.
I've watched him fall asleep enough times to be sure of that.

"Gus." I say directing his attention toward me. "Thanks for your concern, but shelve it. This isn't the time or the
place. Got it?" The look I give him is unmistakable; I make sure that there is no possible way for Gus to
misunderstand it. He nods and looks away.

It's not long before Justin is sleeping soundly. I motion for Gus to follow me out of the room. I lean up against the
wall and rub the back of my neck. Gus doesn't say anything he just waits for me to speak, I don't get a chance to say
anything though, because just then Jennifer Taylor steps off of the elevator.

"Hi Gus." She's smiling at him as she walks over toward us. I can see the slight difference in her smile the second
she finally realizes that I'm here as well.

"Hello Brian." I feel myself sink further into the wall

"Hello Jennifer." She looks to Gus with wide eyes as her fingers start to tremble slightly.

"Has something happened with Justin?" She looks terrified.

"Maybe you should tell me." I say standing up straight. She gives me a confused look that I'm not buying for one
second.

Gus starts to say something but I hold my hand up to cut him off. I'd nearly forgotten that they'd spent so much time
together lately. He probably thinks she's the nicest woman alive. I nearly have to gag at that thought.

"Gus, do me a favor?" He looks up at me and I hand him some money out of my wallet.

"Go get something for dinner and meet me back at the loft." He nods and gives Jennifer a wave as he leaves us
alone.

"What do you mean, maybe I should tell you?" She puts her hands up on her hips and gives me her best glare.

"Just what I said." She knows damn well what I'm talking about.

"Since when do you care? You haven't even been here... in I can't even remember how long..."

"Jennifer. Let's stop playing this game. It's getting old. I know the routine by now. He's your son and I'm no one."

"Brian I never said that."

"Actually you did once. I'm sure you've forgotten that nasty little scene though. Anyway it doesn't matter. What
matters is you telling the doctors not to discuss anything with me."

"Not just you Brian. He's not to discuss it with anyone."

"Except for you and Craig?"

"Who said anything about Craig?" Her eyes shift downward unable to meet mine.

"It's pointless to deny what I already know. What the fuck is going on?"

Her shoulders slump and she begins to cry. I close my eyes and swallow hard. I know there is something more
behind these tears than this little argument with me. We've had worse. She wipes at her eyes and steadies herself.

"I didn't know who else to go to Brian. I don't know maybe I would have talked to you if you were here, but you
weren't. Craig is his father..."

"Tell me."

"They ran tests for these headaches he's been getting. It could be very serious Brian."

I do my best to appear calm. I steady myself against the wall.

"How serious?"

She doesn't say anything. She just shrugs helplessly as more tears fall down her cheeks. After a few deep breaths I
manage to swallow the huge lump I feel in my throat.

"Let me buy you a cup of coffee." She nods and follows me toward the hospital cafeteria.

I find us a table in the back and pull out a chair for her to sit in. She looks up at me and I see the toll that the last few
weeks have taken on her. She looks emotionally exhausted.

"Have you eaten today?" I find myself asking her.

"No I don't think I have. I couldn't if I tried."

"I'll bring you back a muffin or something." She tries to protest but I'm already walking away pretending not to hear
her.

When I get back to her a few minutes later, she seems to have pulled herself together again. Her red rimmed eyes are
the only indication of her earlier emotional display. She looks up at me and smiles slightly.

"Thanks." She says taking a cup of coffee off of the tray.

"No muffins. I got you a fruit cup instead." She waves her hand to dismiss it and shakes her head slightly. I shrug
pretending to be indifferent about it.

We're quiet for awhile just sitting there drinking our coffee, both of us lost in our thoughts. I know I should be
worried or upset, but I'm not sure that I can actually feel anything at this point, it's like I'm numb all over. Finally I
break the silence.

"Does he know?"

"I haven't told him anything Brian. They don't know what's wrong yet. The possibilities are endless and most of
them don't sound good." She's crying again and I just concentrate on breathing for a few minutes.

"He thinks he's going home in a few days." She shakes her head. "I don't want to worry him if it turns out to be
nothing." Her bottom lip quivers as she takes another sip of her coffee. I nod as I push the fruit cup closer to her.

"I wasn't trying to exclude you Brian. I really wasn't. I would have told you if you'd been here...." I can tell from her
expression that she's telling the truth. She picks up a fork and eats a little of the fruit.

How much time have I wasted? What if something happens? I realize that staying away just to avoid her and
everything she's done in the past was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.

"I don't know how I'm going to tell him." She begins sobbing and I find myself getting up and going over to sit next
to her, then taking her in my arms to comfort her.

"Shhh. There might not be anything to tell him." I feel her head nodding against my shoulder.

"It'll be okay." I whisper into her ear. I find myself letting go of the hatred I'd let grow for her over the years. Maybe
it's time for me to realize that she wasn't the one that made me send Justin away. It wasn't her, it wasn't our friends, it
was what I wanted because I couldn't handle being in a relationship anymore. Maybe it was because I realized that it
was only a matter of time before he left me.


"It will require surgery..." That was all I remember hearing the doctor say.

Jennifer and I had been on our way back to Justin's room when the doctor spotted her in the hallway.

"Mrs. Taylor I was hoping to find you. We need to talk." He looked from her back to me and she was quick to notice
the tension between us.

"We can talk now." She assured him. "I'd like Brian to be kept informed as well as myself and Mr. Taylor." The
doctor nodded.

"Very well then, let's go to my office."

Afterwards I walked Jennifer back up to Justin's room. He was still asleep so after a few minutes I just grabbed my
jacket and left. I know Jennifer said goodbye and that she'd call me if anything changed. I remember nodding and
saying something. I'm not sure what either one of us said. My numbness was wearing off and I couldn't help but feel
slightly panicked by the idea of Justin not being all right after everything he'd already been through. I must have
looked as worried as I felt because I hadn't even made it to the elevator when Jennifer came up behind me.

"Brian?"

I turned around and found myself being pulled into a tight hug.

"Don't you fall apart on me now, okay?" I nod and she lets me go.

We've finally come to terms with the fact that we both will always be in his life. I just can't help but wonder how
long he'll be in ours.

I drive toward home in a daze. When I get there Gus is laying on my sofa watching something on television. He
looks over his shoulder at me and nods his head toward the food containers on the table.

"I already ate. It's probably all cold by now."

"I'm not really hungry."

I make my way to the refrigerator and grab a beer, before heading toward my bedroom to change. I sit down on the
bed and finish off most of the bottle before I even attempt to change into something else. I hear Gus turn the
television off and climb the steps up to the bedroom.

"If you're just going to get drunk again, I'm going home." This is the last thing I want to deal with right now, a
teenaged mood swing so I simply shrug.

"Then I suggest you just go home."

I don't even look up at him. Hearing the loft door slide shut, I just fall back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.
The phone rings at some point bringing me out of my surreal fixation of my bedroom ceiling. I couldn't tell you
exactly how much time passed; just that it was long enough for my beer to get warm.

"Hello?"

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Lindsay."

"I know your voice Linds. What do you want?"

"Gus called earlier and said he was going to have dinner with you. Did something happen there?"

"Why?"

"He came home just now and he's in a mood that only proves to me that your disposition is genetic! He and Melanie
just got into a huge argument... he's just really acting angry Brian. What happened over there?"

"Nothing happened over here. He decided to go home. Can I help it if your wife and your son can't get along?"

I can hear Melanie ranting in the background.

"Where do you think you're going?"

This is really more than I need to deal with right now. I sigh to let Lindsay know that this whole family drama is
beyond my patience level.

"He's a teenage boy Lindsay. Most teenagers argue with their parents deal with it."

"I'm not blaming you Brian. I'm just trying to understand what's going on. It's just not like him to act this way for no
reason."

Gus and Melanie are still going at it in the background.

"Out! I'll be back before eleven so don't worry about it!"

"You are NOT taking the car."

"Yes I am! BYE!"

I can hear the door slam and Melanie's frustrated scream.

"I don't know Lindsay. Listen I need to get off of here..."

"I won't keep you. Talk to you soon. Bye."

I hang up and go get myself another beer before dialing Gus's cell phone.

"Hello?" He answers tersely.

"Hey."

"Wasted yet?" The words are much angrier sounding than the tone of his voice.

"Not even close. Can you stop back over here? I need to tell you something."

"Yeah... I guess. I'm on the other side of town though, it'll probably take me about twenty minutes to get there."

"I'll see you then."

Hanging up the phone I realize I have just enough time to finish this beer before I completely go against Jennifer's
wishes and tell Gus what's going on with Justin. I suppose I could have avoided all of this drama by just telling him
when he was here before. He deserves to know about it. He's been there for Justin since the beginning and if this is
the end he deserves to know that too.


The straightforward approach isn't always the best way to go about telling someone bad news. From the look on
Gus's face I possibly could have handled this better. It's a mixture of fear and sorrow. He closes his eyes and just
leans into me as I wrap my arms around him. He doesn't say anything for a long time, neither of us does.

The sound of the telephone breaks our silence. I really don't feel like talking to anyone right now.

"Let the machine get it." I say when it looks as if Gus is going to get up to answer it. He gets up anyway and heads
into the kitchen. I lean back and listen as my voice tells whoever it is to leave me a message.

"Brian. It's Jennifer. Justin's awake and I've explained everything to him. He knows the risk and he knows that he
doesn't really have a choice. I... I just wanted you to know..."

I pick up the phone before she finishes.

"Hey."

"Hi." She lets out a sigh.

"How did he take it?"

"You know Justin. He's taking it better than we did." She laughs nervously.

"That doesn't surprise me."

"Me either, really. Oh, and the doctor was back in a little while ago. He said everything is scheduled for Monday
morning. He explained it all to Justin."

"Monday? That soon?" I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I know they need to get inside of his head and take care of
everything before the aneurysm ruptures.

"He said the sooner the better." I nod as if she can see me.

"I know... um... are you in his room right now?"

"Yeah."

"Is he awake?"

"He just went into the bathroom right before I called. Here he comes now."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Yes of course. Hold on." I hear her handing the phone over.

"Brian wants to talk to you."

"Hey." I smile slightly the moment I hear his voice. As he utters that one word I can picture the smile on his face.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Okay."

"That's good. You really okay with everything? The surgery, I mean?"

"Yeah." He does sound calm. I know I'd pick up on it if he were truly worried.

"Okay." I can't seem to think of anything else to say to him, but I don't want to hang up the phone just yet. I listen to
him breathe for a second before I hear him stifle a yawn.

"You're tired. I'll let you get some sleep."

"Okay. You get some too."

"I'll try." That's the best I can do. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Goodnight Justin."

"Night."

After I hang up the phone I just sit there holding it for awhile. Gus comes over and takes it out of my hands.

"So it's Monday huh?"

"Yeah, looks like it."

Gus nods and sits back down next to me. He turns the television on and flips through all of the channels twice before
settling on an old movie that I've never even heard of. I'm not sure if he's actually watching it or just trying to fill the
loft with some kind of background noise. Halfway through the movie he looks over at me and the anguished look on
his face mirrors how I'm feeling inside. I try to think of something to say to make him feel better, to make myself
feel better, but I can't get any words out.

"He'll be fine." Gus finds the words that I can't and he's trying to make me feel better.

"I know." I don't trust myself to say much more. I just lean my head back against the sofa and hold my breath.

"I told Mom I'd be home by eleven." When I look up at him he seems conflicted. "I could call them..."

"I heard your little scene with them earlier. You better get your ass home and on time, before you cause Melanie's
ovaries to explode."

He laughs and shakes his head.

"I really didn't need that mental picture."

I hear myself laughing and I groan.

"Me either."

I get up off of the sofa and walk over to the door with him. He gives me a hug right before he leaves.

"I love you dad." He whispers.

"You too." I whisper back.

After he's gone, I go into the kitchen to grab a random bottle of liquor. I find myself hours later still on the sofa. I'm
actually coping with all of this after only pouring myself one glass. I decide to try taking Justin's advice about
getting some sleep. I leave the nearly empty glass on the coffee table as I head into the bedroom.

I lay their staring up at the ceiling drifting in and out of a fitful sleep for the next few hours. When I see the sun
finally making an appearance through the window I get out of bed and head into the bathroom to take a shower.

Although I've tried to convince myself that Justin will be alright, I've also resigned myself to the fact that the only
thing I can be confident in is that Justin will be around for the next twenty four hours. Anything after that will be a
bonus. I step out of the shower. Taking a deep breath I try to send all negative thoughts to the back of my brain.

After a quick stop by the bakery, I enter Justin's room. I'm surprised to find him alone again. He's sitting in a chair
that's facing the windows. His sketchbook is out in front of him and he's so absorbed in what he's doing that he
doesn't hear me enter the room. I creep up behind him and look over his shoulder to watch him create. I'm actually
surprised that he hasn't noticed me yet. I really wasn't trying to be quiet, it just happened, so I lean down, my chin
nearly to his shoulder and he's still lost in his sketch.

"Hey." I whisper in his ear, trying not to startle him. I instinctively place a soft kiss on his cheek as he turns and
smiles at me.

"Hey yourself." He whispers back.

I motion to the drawing with the bag of pastries I'm still holding.

"That's really good."

He rolls his eyes and puts the sketchbook down.

"Justin Taylor's final piece."

He stand up and sighs.

"Are you planning on retiring already?" I ask.

"Something like that." He mumbles as he starts to walk away from me.

"Justin." My voice is harsher than I mean for it to be. He stops and I see his shoulders slump. I stand there staring at
his back. I'm the pessimistic one here, not him. I'm not even sure what to say to him. I set the bag of pastries down
next to his sketch and I move toward him.

"Don't." He says as I get behind him and wrap my arms around his waist.

"Justin." I say it again, this time much softer. He leans back against me and I feel like I'm the only thing keeping him
upright. I feel him take in a shaky breath and then I feel his whole body shaking with quiet sobs.

"Shhhh It's okay." I turn Justin around and look down at his tear streaked face. Justin buries his face in my chest as I
stroke his hair. Eventually I can feel him calming down against me. "I brought you some of those raspberry pastry
things you like. Are you hungry?"

He mumbles something into my chest and I step back slightly to get a look at him. He nods at me. I lead him back
over to the chair he was sitting in when I walked into the room. Sitting down in the chair next to his, I toss the bag at
him. He catches it and pulls out a pastry. I watch him nibble at it for a few minutes, before he actually bites into it
with any enthusiasm. I can't help but smile just watching him.

I reach over when he's done and wipe a little of the raspberry filling off of his chin.

"Thanks." He murmurs.

"Anytime."

"So that was bullshit last night, huh?"

He looks at me questioningly.

"When I asked you if you were okay with this. Your answer was bullshit." My eyes never leave his and he nods his
head slowly.

"I'm not ready to die." His voice is just a little bit shaky, but he seems determined to hold it together.

"That's why you're having the surgery. Without it you're dead." I clench my jaw as the last word escapes my lips.

"I know." He looks down and closes his eyes. I reach over and put my hand on his arm. His head instinctively leans
over and finds my shoulder. I slide my arm around him and hold him as he rocks gently from side to side.

"When it's all over you can paint the Sistine chapel. Okay?"

He laughs a little.

"That's already been done."

"Yeah, but that was years ago. Cheap bastards should look into repainting it every couple of hundred years or so."

He laughs again, this time a bit louder and for a little longer. He looks up at me and I can't help but reach up with my
other hand to stroke his cheek. I place a soft kiss on his lips and close my eyes.

"I still love you. You know that don't you?"

I open my eyes and see tears falling down Justin's cheeks once again.

"I knew it." He said quietly. "I always knew it."


I didn't mean to say the words out loud to him yesterday, but I did. They were out of my mouth before I even
realized it and for that I'm grateful. Sitting out here in this waiting room I know that if I hadn't, I would be wishing
that I had told him one more time what he meant to me, just in case I don't ever get to see him again.

I look over at Jennifer. She's holding a balled up tissue in her hand. She looks over at me and forces a smile. I don't
try to return it because that seems like such bullshit. Smiling right now is the last fucking thing I want to do. Instead
I run my fingers through my hair roughly and stand up. I can't sit anymore so I begin my pacing mode.

"Jennifer... Brian..."

I turn around and see Craig Taylor standing in the doorway of the waiting room. Jennifer looks at me nervously then
looks up at him with an expression that I can't quite read. He sits down next to her and takes her hand. She leans into
him and I get to witness their tender little embrace.

"Nice." My voice is inundated with sarcasm. I turn away and find myself staring out a tiny sliver of a window at the
snow falling from the sky.

"I'm going to go have a cigarette." I don't even look in their direction as I cross the room and head out into the
hallway.

I just want the elevator door to open so I can get as far away from Justin's dad as possible. Finally I hear the faint
'ding' of the elevator bell and a sense of calmness briefly washes over me. That only lasts for a few seconds though,
as I see Lindsay step off of the elevator with Gus following behind her.

She smiles at me sympathetically and pulls me into a hug.

"I'm sorry we couldn't get here earlier."

I let myself stay wrapped up in her hug for a few minutes before I finally break free of it.

"You didn't have to come. It's not like he's going to know if you're here or not."

She looks at me and purses her lips.

"I didn't come for Justin. I'm here to support you Brian."

I nod and notice that Gus is standing back a few feet away from his mother. He looks like he's going to be sick. His
face is drained of color and he looks like he's scared to death.

"You okay Gus?" I ask as I move past Lindsay toward him. He nods and rushes into my arms. Lindsay must
suddenly realize that I was trying to get onto the elevator, which has long since moved onto another floor.

"Why aren't you in the waiting room? Is Jennifer in there?"

I clear my throat and pull back slightly from Gus. He takes in a deep breath and seems to have composed himself
again. I look over at Lindsay and my face obviously gives me away.

"What's wrong? Oh my God... Is Justin okay?"

"Justin's okay." I assure them both when I feel Gus tense up in my arms; he's practically clinging to me. I make eye
contact with Gus and apparently he sees the truth in my words and calms down again.

"I needed a cigarette. Jennifer's in there." I take a deep breath and swallow before adding. "With Craig."

Lindsay's eyes go wide and she nods at me as if she understands.

"His dad?" Gus asks angrily finally letting go of the hold he had on me. He obviously feels the same way that I do
about the man.

"Yeah." I shake my head and sigh.

"What the fuck is he doing here?"

I shrug and stare at the elevator. After a few moments of silence I look over at Lindsay.

"Maybe you could find that out?" I ask her quietly.

She nods.

"You want to come outside with me?" I ask Gus as I hit the button for the elevator again.

"Yeah." He says quietly and leans against the wall closest to the elevator. Lindsay goes over to smother him a bit.

"Are you sure you feel okay baby? You feel a little hot." She's got her hand on his forehead and he's squirming
slightly trying to get away from her.

"I'm fine! Just stop okay?" She sighs and backs away from him.

"I'll be in the waiting room." As she passes me she reaches out and squeezes my hand.


Once we get to the ground floor Gus heads over to the gift shop and starts thumbing through a magazine. I head for
the smoking area knowing he'll either join me out there or I'll catch up to him back inside before I head upstairs.
Standing outside in the cold I shiver slightly and light my cigarette. I notice a few people coming and going, but I
don't pay much attention to them. Until a guy comes up to me and he's standing just a few feet away. I look up and
see Craig Taylor lighting up. He looks over at me and I immediately look away.

"I'm not here to start anything with you, okay?"

I give him one of my best indifferent expressions as I look back at him.

"He's my son. I need to be here." He takes a long drag off of his cigarette and watches me intently.

"Always the concerned father." I scoff at him. I'm wondering if he's conveniently forgotten that he's had nothing to
do with Justin's life for the last seventeen years.

"Listen pal..." He starts in on me.

"I'm not your pal... got it?" I snap back at him.

"I'm not here to start a fight with you." He lowers his voice.

"For once." I sigh and roll my eyes.

"Brian, can I just talk for a second?" He's looking at me, his eyes are practically pleading with me to take pity upon
him.

"Knock yourself out. Don't be offended if I don't listen to you." I don't want to hear what he has to say but if he's
determined to talk to me I figure there's not much I can do to avoid it.

He's quiet for awhile and I'm pretty sure he's figured out that I don't give a damn why he's here.

"I was wrong." He says it so quietly that I almost don't hear it.

"What?"

"I was wrong. So many times and so many ways I've been wrong. I can't change it and I can't do anything to make
up for it. I would if I could..."

"When did you finally figure all of this out?" I cut him off.

"Does it matter?" He asks me seriously.

"Not to me, but it might to Justin." I shrug and crush out a cigarette.

"It was the day he graduated from college."

"That was a good day." I tell him and I can't help but smile remembering how proud I was of him, how excited he
was when he got his degree, the huge fuss that Debbie and Jennifer made about it not to mention the party they
threw, and how hot he looked later that night in bed wearing only his mortar board.

"I missed so many important moments. I wish I could turn back time and change the things I've done." I nod and
light up another one absentmindedly.

"Impossible to do..." I sigh. Thinking of a few things I know I'd definitely change.

"I just need to be here today Brian. I don't plan on seeing him. You were right that day in the hall. This isn't the time
or the place to try to make amends. I just want to make sure he gets through this."

"He'll get through this." I whispered without realizing it.

"He's strong. He's going to be okay." I stated this time at full volume.

Craig nodded and extinguished his cigarette.

"I'm going to go back upstairs. Jennifer's a nervous wreck."

I watched him walk away and I finally saw him for what he'd become, a beaten down, lonely, old man full of
regrets. Maybe Justin would get what he always wanted, his father's love and acceptance.


I'm not sure how long I stood out there in the cold, but Gus finally came out and sat down a few feet from where I
was standing.

"I saw him come out here. Did he say anything to you?"

"I think he actually came out here to talk to me."

"Well I don't see any bruises or cuts. No fighting this time?"

"Nope. We were actually civilized."

Gus doesn't push for anything else and I can't help but love that about him. I stub out a cigarette that I don't
remember lighting and I'm not sure if I've even been smoking it.

"Let's go back inside." He suggests and I follow him toward the entrance.

When we get back to the waiting room Lindsay is sitting down on one side of Jennifer while Craig sits on the other.
I look around and see Michael is sitting across from them and I take the seat next to him.

"Any word yet?" I ask Jennifer knowing full well we won't hear anything for at least a few more hours. She shakes
her head slowly indicating that she's not heard anything yet.

"That's good right?" Michael pipes up.

"Yeah." I answer.

"Hey Gus, do you want to go with me to get some drinks?" Michael asks.

Gus shrugs and gets up.

"I guess. You want anything Dad?"

"Coffee." I know I don't need to tell him what to put in it. He's been fixing my coffee for me since he was seven
years old.

"No. Thank you, sweetie." Jennifer answered.

"Mom?"

"Something fizzy would be good."

"Anything for you Craig?" He asks politely.

Craig seems surprised by the question.

"Uh... coffee would be good."

Jennifer turns to Lindsay and pats her arm.

"He's such a sweet boy. I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for him coming here and giving me
peace of mind when I couldn't be with Justin." Jennifer said to Lindsay.

"He's always loved Justin. He always thought of him as his other dad." Lindsay looked over at Craig almost
challenging him to say anything.

"He didn't sleep more than a few hours last night. I heard him up at all hours of the night. He's so sensitive; he's been
so worried about the surgery today. I think he finally managed to get to sleep around seven o'clock this morning.
That's why we weren't here earlier. I couldn't bring myself to wake him up. I knew he needed to get some sleep."

I listened to the two of them chatter on for awhile before I ended up tuning them out. Before long Gus handed me
my coffee. Michael and Gus then occupied themselves with a stack of comic books that Mikey had brought with
him to pass the time.

Occasionally I'd look up at the clock and see that another five or ten minutes had passed. Around noon Emmett and
Ted showed up with sandwiches. I think I ate one, or at least part of one. My mind really wasn't there. It was back in
Justin's room just a mere twenty four hours before.


"I love you too." He said softly.

"I know."

His mouth found mine and we barely took time to breathe. Every single moment we'd missed together had to be
made up and we weren't sure if there would ever be enough time in which to do it.

Somehow we ended up near the door and the little shit actually locked it before we made our way to the bed. He
pulled me down on top of him a low moan escaping between our lips as our bodies pressed together. I broke the lip
contact long enough to kiss up his jaw and down his neck slowly. I was rewarded with another low moan that made
me shiver.

He reached up and started to unbutton my shirt. My hands roamed his bare chest. His pale smooth skin felt like satin
against my palms. I leaned down again attacking his mouth with an urgent necessity. His hands began to travel all
over my body. Every touch was sending a pleasurable surge throughout my entire body.

Before too long we were completely naked, our hard sweaty bodies gliding against one another. Everything else
seems so clouded together. A condom, some lube and the greatest fucking orgasms of our lives followed. Twice.


"Dad?"

I looked up and shook my head to clear it and I wondered when Melanie had shown up. She was sitting next to
Lindsay, the two of them watching me intently.

"Yeah?"

"Mom asked if you wanted anything from the cafeteria." I shook my head and stood up walking over to the window.

"No thanks. I'm fine."

"We're going to go get some dinner. Why don't you come with us?" Melanie asked.

I looked up at the clock and couldn't believe that it was already after five o'clock. I did the math in my head quickly
and realized that the surgery had gone an hour longer than the original time estimate.

"No. Thanks. You guys go. I'm staying here."

Everyone left to get something to eat, except for Jennifer and myself. When we were finally alone I sat down next to
her.

"It's taking too long." I tell her, not bothering to conceal the worried tone of my voice.

"Brian. It's okay. Remember the doctor said it might not take as long as they thought or it might take a little longer."

"I can't lose him again." I tell her as my voice breaks.

"You won't sweetie." She tells me as she wraps her arm around me protectively.

Just then the surgeon comes into the room and sits down across from us. I hold my breath.

"The procedure went smoothly. He's in recovery now and we'll move him back into his room within the next hour or
so."

As quickly as he appeared he was gone.

Jennifer hugged me tightly and I finally started to breathe again.

The End