AslowsmilespreadacrossEthan’smouth

“I’mnotsayingyes,Ethan,”Alexandrafeltcompelledtopointout.

“Butyou’renotsayingno.”Hewastryingtotemperhissmile,butshecouldseethereliefinhiseyes.
Thehope.

HewantsthisasmuchasIdo.

She’dforgottenthatthereweremenwhocravedchildrenasmuchaswomendid.

“Weneedtotalkmore,”shesaid.“Alotmore.”

“Absolutely.HowaboutdinneratmyplaceonSaturdaynight?”

It would be the first time they’d seen each other outside the office or the racquetball court. And it
seemedlikeahugeleapintotheunknown.Still…“Okay.Thatsoundsgood.”

“Thenit’sadate,”hesaid.

Andeventhoughsheknewthereweresomanythingsthatcouldgowrong,shefeltlighterthanshe
hadinweeks.Ifthisworkedout…

DearReader,

IgrewupinaworldwhereIwastoldgirls(women!)coulddoanythingandbecomeanyoneasadults.
An astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, a soldier. The notion of having a career was something that was,
well,normalforthegenerationofwomenIwenttoschoolwith,andthisisdefinitelythecaseformy
heroine,AlexandraKnight.She’sbeendeterminedtomakehermarkintheworldandsecureherown
futureeversinceshewasalittlegirl.

Butshehasanotherdream—thedreamofbeingamother.Adreamshe’safraidshe’slefttoolateto
pursueattheripeoldageofthirty-eight.ButAlexhasneverbeenthetypetorolloverwithoutafight.
The Best Laid Plans is Alex’s story—and the story of the wonderful, damaged, generous man she
stumblesacrossonherwaytothematernityward.

I hope you enjoy Alex and Ethan’s journey to happiness. I had a wonderful—and emotional—time
writing it. I love to hear from readers. If you’d like to drop me a line, you can reach me via my
websiteatwww.sarahmayberry.com

Untilnexttime,happyreading,

SarahMayberry

TheBestLaidPlans

SarahMayberry

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

Afterseveralinternationalmoves,SarahMayberrynowlivesinMelbourne,Australia,herhometown,
with her partner of nearly twenty years. She is the proud owner of a mini orchard, complete with
quinceandfigtreesandraspberrycanes.Whenshe’snotwritingorthinkingaboutallthejamshewill
makeoneday,shelikestoshopforshoesandalmostanythingelse.Shealsolovescooking,movies
and,ofcourse,reading.

BooksbySarahMayberry

HARLEQUINSUPERROMANCE

1551—ANATURALFATHER
1599—HOMEFORTHEHOLIDAYS
1626—HERBESTFRIEND

HARLEQUINBLAZE

380—BURNINGUP
404—BELOWTHEBELT
425—AMOROUSLIAISONS
464—SHE’SGOTITBAD
517—HERSECRETFLING
566—HOTISLANDNIGHTS

Thiswasahardone.BigthanksandhugsandcommiserationsandairkissestoChrisandWanda,my

frontlinepitcrewwhocheeredmeonfromthesidelinesandgavemetheoccasionalkickwhenI

neededitandlistenedtoallmywhiningandgnashingofteeth.

AlsothankstotheLibsterforverygenerouslysharingherknowledgeofartificialinseminationwith

me.

CONTENTS

CHAPTERONE

“D

AMNYOUREYES,WHERE

didyoucomefrom?”

AlexandraKnightpluckedattherunclimbingtherightlegofherpantyhose,sendingitracing

evenfartherupherleg.Whenshe’dpulledonherhosetenminutesago,they’dbeenperfect.Andshe
knewforafactthattherewasn’tanotherpairanywhereinherapartmentsinceshe’dalreadydragged
theseonesoutofthelaundryindesperation.

Shecheckedherwatch.Shewasalreadyintheundergroundgarageofherapartmentbuilding.If

shewentupstairsandchangedintoapantsuit,she’dchewuptenminutes,minimum.Butifsheswung
intotheconveniencestorenearherdowntownMelbourneoffice,shemightmakeherfirstmeeting.If
shehustled.

Decisionmade,shestrodethefinalfewfeettohercarandbeepeditopen.Shereversedoutof

herspotwitharevoftheengine,thenshotuptherampandintothestreet.

The parking gods were smiling on her and she drove straight into a space in front of the

minimartonSt.KildaRoad.Shewasoutofthecarandheadingforthedoorinnosecondsflat.

Shehadthreepairsofpantyhoseinhandwhenshehurriedoutthedoortwominuteslater,only

tofindthesidewalkblockedbyatallblondmanattemptingtowrangleacomplicated-lookingstroller
thathadbecomeentangledwithoneofthemanybagshangingfromitshandle.Shesidestepped,her
thoughts on the day ahead. Her corporate client Jamieson was keen to have the contract of sale she
wasnegotiatingontheirbehalfsignedoffbytheendoftheweek,whichmeantshehadtoredraftthe
contractbythisafternoonsotheycould—

“Alex.”
Sheturnedinstinctively.
“Jacob,” she said, one foot on the curb, the other in the gutter, stunned by the unlikely

coincidenceofseeingherex.Hergazedroppedtothesmallbodystrappedsecurelyinthestrollerhe
waspushing.Therewasnomissingtheresemblancebetweenmanandchild.

Hewasafather.
Jacob,themanshe’dlivedwithforsevenyears,themanwhohadrefusedtoevendiscusshaving

achildwithher,hadhadachildwithsomeoneelse.Someotherwoman.

ForamomentAlexcoulddonothingbutblink.
She had begged him to reconsider his anti-child stance. They’d fought over it so many times

she’dlostcount.He’dalwaysbeensoadamant.Socertain,evenwhentheywerepackingtheirthings
andgoingtheirseparateways.

Andnow…
Shedraggedhergazefromhisbabytohisface.Hehadthegracetolooksheepish.
“Ithoughtyoumighthaveheardthroughthegrapevine,”hesaid.
Butshehadn’t.Ifshe’dknown…Shehadnoideawhatshewouldhavedone.
“How old is he?” she asked. Amazing how calm her voice sounded when the rest of her was

reeling.

“Fourmonths.”

Sheflinched.SheandJacobhadbrokenupeighteenmonthsago.Thatmeanthe’dmetsomeone

andgottenherpregnantprettydamnquickly.

“Congratulations,”shesaid,eventhoughshewasn’tfeelingtheleastbitcongratulatory.“What’s

hisname?”

Andher.What’shername, this mysterious, magical woman who got you to cough up your DNA

whenIcouldn’tevengetyoutodiscussbecomingaparentaftersevenyearstogether?

“Theodore.Teddyforshort.”
“Thatwasyourgrandfather ’sname,wasn’tit?”
“That’sright.”
Hewasblushing.Andshe’drunoutofthingstosay—exceptfortheoneburningquestionthat

herpridewouldneverallowhertoask:whynotme?

Hadn’t he loved her enough? Had she been missing some vital, essential ingredient that had

stoppedhimfromfullycommittingtoher?

Herhandcurledintoafist.Shewantedtohurthim.Punchhimintheface.Grabhimbythelapels

and demand to know why, how, when. Instead, she forced her hand to relax and made a show of
checkingherwatch.

“IreallyhavetogoifI’mgoingtomakemyfirstmeeting.Goodluckwitheverything,Jacob.”
Shesteppedblindlyintothestreet.
“Alex.Beforeyougo…Justincaseyouthought—Imean,itwasanaccident,”Jacobsaid.
“What?”Despiteherself,shelingeredandturnedtofacehimwhensheshouldhavegotteninher

caranddrivenaway.

“Miadidn’trealizeshe’dmissedapillandthenwefoundoutshewaspregnant.So,youknow,

allthiswasunplanned.”Hisgesturetookinhischild,thestroller,thetangleddiaperbag.

“Well.Iguessthatmakesitallokay,”shesaid.
Sheescapedtothesanctuaryofhercar.Exceptitwasn’treallyasanctuary,sinceJacobremained

where he was, watching her, an expression on his face that was an equal mix of guilt and
defensiveness.Alexconcentratedonstartingtheenginesoshecouldgetthehelloutofhere.

She pulled over the moment she was around the corner and out of sight. She stared out the

windshield,herhandsgrippedthesteeringwheelsotightlythatherknucklesached.

Jacobwasafather.Hehadabeautifulbabyboy.Withsomeoneelse.AwomannamedMia,who

had“forgotten”totakeapillortwoandforcedJacobintoapositionhehadadamantly,passionately,
avowedlyclaimedhewantedtoavoidfortheentiredurationofhisrelationshipwithAlex.

He’dnamedhischildTheodore,afterhispaternalgrandfather.Hewasevenonchild-careduty,

pushingoneofthecontraptionshe’doncedubbeda“blightoncivilization”becauseofthewaythey
chokedsupermarketaislesandcafés.

Shecouldhearherownbreathing,fastandharshasthoughshe’djustrunarace.Shetoldherself

thatthepastwasthepastandthatwhatJacobhaddoneoncethey’dsplitwasnothingtodowithher.
Butnotforaminutedidshebelieveit.

The thing was—the thing that stung so bloody bitterly—was that he’d always been so certain

aboutwhathewanted.He’dinformedhersixmonthsintotheirrelationshipthathewasn’tinterestedin
having children. By then she’d loved him so much, wanted to be a part of his life so badly, she’d
convinced herself that he would change with time. Lots of men did, after all, and they’d both been
only thirty. She’d told herself that once he saw his friends have kids, he’d understand the joy and
challenges that children could bring. The love and hope and energy. All she’d have to do was wait
himout.

And she had. She’d concentrated on achieving partnership at Wallingsworth & Kent and back-

burneredherbabydreamsuntiltheissuehadbecomeawedgebetweenthem.

And now Jacob was a father, and she was single and thirty-eight and still looking for the man

she’dleftJacobtofind.Amanshelovedwholovedherandwantedtohavethefamilythathadalways
formedthecornerstoneofherhopesanddreams.

Forthesecondtimethatmorningherhandscurledintofistsandshepoundedthemonce,twice,

threetimesagainsthersteeringwheel.

An electronic beep drew her attention back to the moment. She blinked, looking around to

identifythesourceofthesound.Hergazefellonherbagandherbrainclickedintogear.Herphone.
That’s what the sound was. She pulled it from her handbag and touched the screen. It was her legal
secretary,Franny,lettingAlexandraknowherfirstclienthadarrivedandwaswaitinginreception.

Alexlaughed.
Aclient.Right.Shehadameetingscheduled.Hell,shehadawholedayscheduled.Andhereshe

was, thinking that the world had contracted to only her and the sick, angry feeling in the pit of her
stomach.

Shetookadeepbreath,thentextedaquickreassurancethatshewasfiveminutesaway.
SeeingJacobpushingastrollerhaddredgedupalotoftheoldfeelingsshethoughtshe’dputto

rest.Butshedidn’thavetimetositinhercarandgnashherteeth.Peoplewererelyingonher.

Shecontinuedtotalkherselfdownasshedrovetotheoffice.
She might feel justifiably angry and cheated by the way things had turned out, but it wasn’t as

thoughshewasoutofoptions.Atthirty-eight,shehadatleastfivegoodchildbearingyearsaheadof
her—Madonna had had her second child at forty-two, after all, and Geena Davis had had twins at
forty-seven.Alexwasfitandhealthyandactive.TherewasplentyoftimeforhertofindMr.Right
andhavethefamilyshe’dalwayswanted.

Plentyoftime.
Ignoringtheflutterofpanicbehindherbreastbone,Alexreeledinherfeelingsandfocusedon

thedayahead.

Plentyoftime.

IGHT HOURS LATER

, Alex waited on the examination table as her doctor washed her hands after Alex’s

annualphysical. As it had all day, her mind circled back to the encounter with Jacob. She made it a
policy not to brood. It was a huge waste of energy, and it never changed anything. She had better
thingstodowithhertimeandemotion.Still,shecouldn’terasetheimageofJacobandlittleTeddy.
Tobesoclosetoeverythingshewantedandyetbesofarremoved…

Dr.Ramsayturnedbackfromwashingherhands.“Okay,we’llcheckyourabdomen,thenwe’re

done.Handsbyyoursides,please.Andanicerelaxedbelly.”

“Sureyoudon’twantmetobegorfetch?”Alexasked.
“Asifyou’dlistentomeanyway.”Dr.Ramsaysmiled,thelinesaroundhereyesdeepening.
She’d been Alex’s doctor for ten years now and she always managed to fit Alex in, no matter

howcrazyherworkschedule.

Dr.Ramsay’sexpressiongrewdistantasshepresseddownonAlex’slowerbelly.
“Letmeknowifyoufeelanypainordiscomfort.”
“Okay.”
“How’sthat?”Dr.Ramsayasked,pressingnearwhereAleximaginedherovarieswerelocated.
“Allgood.”
“Andhere?”
Overherbladderthistime.

“Fine.”
Afewmorepokes,thenherdoctorwasdone.
“You can get dressed now. So unless there’s anything else you were worried about, we’re

finished.”

Alexandrasatup,swingingherlegsoverthesideofthetable.
“Nothingmajor.Ihavenoticedmyperiodshavebeengettingheavieroverthepastfewmonths.

Morecramping,thatsortofthing.”

“Unfortunately, that’s something that happens for a lot of women as they age. You’re, what,

thirty-ninethisyear?”

“That’sright.”
“We’llkeepaneyeonitandifitbecomesaproblemwecanlookatyouroptions.Butgiventhe

averageageofmenopauseisfifty-one,itmightbeanissuethatwillsimplyresolveitself.”

Alexlaughednervously.“Menopause?I’mnotevenfortyyet.”
Dr.Ramsayshrugged.“Butyouareonthetailendofyourfertility,andquiteafewwomengo

intomenopauseintheirforties.”

“But…Ihaven’thadchildrenyet.”
Dr. Ramsay looked startled. “Oh. I didn’t realize that was something you wanted. I always

assumedyouwereacareerwoman.”

“No.Imean,Iam.Ilovemycareer.ButIwantafamily,too.”
TherewasconcerninDr.Ramsay’seyesnow.“Isee.Well,youprobablydon’tneedmetotell

youthattheclockisticking.”

“I’vestillgotafewyearsupmysleeveyet,right?”Alexasked.
Shehesitatedabeatbeforespeakingagain.“Whydon’tyougetdressedandwecandiscussthis

further?”

Thecurtainhissedshutbetweenthem.Alextriedtopushbeyondthegrowingsenseofdreadas

shereachedforherclothes.Ittookhertwoattemptstobuttonherskirt.

Dr.RamsaywasseatedatherdeskwhenAlexopenedthecurtain.
“Grabaseat,”thedoctorsaid,pattingthechairshe’dpulledupalongsideherdesk.
Alex sat and folded her hands into her lap. “Why do I feel as though I’ve been called to the

principal’soffice?”

Dr.Ramsaydrewadiagonallineonthepaperinfrontofher,slopingfromthetopleftcorner

down to the right. Then she jotted some figures along the horizontal and vertical axes of her
impromptugraph.

“Here’s a crash course in female fertility,” she said when she’d finished her sketch. “When it

comestohavingbabies,thequalityoftheeggiswhat’simportant.Thecurrentunderstandingisthat
fertilityaswellaseggqualityhittheirpeakataroundtwenty-seven.Fromthenonward,it’sasteady
decline.Afterthirty-five—”Dr.Ramsaytappedtheappropriatepointonherdownward-slopinggraph
“—fertilitydropsoffdramatically.Statistically,thelikelihoodofawomaninherearlyfortieshaving
asuccessfulpregnancywithherownovumisonlytenpercent.”

“Tenpercent?”Alexrepeated.
“Tenpercent.”
“But I’m only thirty-eight right now. Where does that place me on the graph?” Alex leaned

forwardurgently.

Dr. Ramsay tapped a spot scarily close to the bottom of her sloping line. “At about thirty-five

percent.Butremember,thesefiguresareaverages.Therearealwayspeoplewhofalloutsideofthe
norm.”

Alexstaredatthetinyindentationthedoctor ’spenhadmadeinthepage.Thirty-fivepercent.She

had a thirty-five percent chance of getting pregnant and successfully carrying a child to term. And
nextyearthatfigurewoulddropagain.

“I thought I had more time. I mean…Madonna. And Geena Davis. And I’m sure I read about a

womaninherearlyfiftieshavingtriplets….”

“Unfortunatelythesehigh-profilelate-in-lifepregnanciesgivewomenafalsesensethathavinga

baby is as simple as deciding the time is right and going for it. Many, many older women have to
resorttoIVFtogetpregnantintheirlatethirtiesandearlyforties.Manyfailandareforcedtolookto
donoreggs.”

Alex’spalmsweredampwithsweat.Forsomanyyearsshe’ddreamedofbeingamother.She’d

drawnupalistofnames,she’devenboughthersensible,safesedanwithaneyetothefuture.She’d
alwaysassumedthatshewouldbeamother,thatwhenshewasready,herbodywouldcooperateand
she’dgetpregnant…

“Areyoutellingmethatitmightalreadybeimpossibleformetohaveachild?”sheasked.Itwas

hardtogetthewordspastthelumpinherthroat.

“Withoutinvasivetests,withoutyouhavingtriedandfailedtoconceiveforanextendedperiod

oftime,it’simpossibleforustoknowhowfertileyouare.WhatI’mtryingtosayandperhapsnot
doingaverygoodjobofitisthatifthisissomethingyouwant,Alex,youneedtomovequickly.The
soonerthebetterasfarasyourbodyisconcerned.”

Alex smoothed her hands down her skirt. She could feel how tense her thigh muscles were

beneaththefineItalianwool.Herbellymuscleswerequiveringandshewasfrowningsofiercelyher
foreheadached.

“Isee,”shesaid.
And she did. She saw Jacob’s baby boy, his big blue eyes taking in the world, his fingers

clutchingtheedgeofhisblanket.

Sosmallandsoft,sofullofpromise.
Alltherageandresentmentandbitternessthatshe’dsuppressedthismorningrolledoverher.
She’d given Jacob seven years. Seven of her best years, apparently. He’d said no to children

againandagain,andnowhehadwhatshe’dalwaysdreamedofandshewaslefttofacethepossibility
thatshewouldonlyeverbeagodmothertoherfriends’children.

Itwassounfair,sobloodycruel…
AlexrealizedDr.Ramsaywaswatchingher,anexpectantexpressiononherface.She’smissed

something,obviously.

“I’msorry,whatdidyousay?”
“I said I’d be happy to jot down the names of some good books on the subject for you,” her

doctorsaid.

“Yes.Thatwouldbegreat.Thankyou,”Alexsaid.
ShewaitedwhileDr.Ramsaywrotedownacoupleoftitles,thensomehowfoundthestrengthto

makepolitesmalltalkasthedoctorsawhertothedoor.

She drove on autopilot to the gym to meet her coworker Ethan for their weekly racquetball

game.Itwasn’tuntilshewaspullingonherLycraleggingsandhookingtheeyesonhersportsbra
thatsheregisteredwhereshewasandwhatshewasdoing.

Shesatonthebenchthatbisectedthechangeroomandputherheadinherhands.Shedidn’twant

to run around a court and exchange smart-ass banter with Ethan between points. She wanted to go
homeandcurlupinthecornerwithherthumbinhermouth.

Shepressedherfingertipsagainstherclosedeyelidsandsighedheavily.Thenshestraightened,

pulledonhertanktop,laceduphershoesandshovedherworkclothesintohergymbag.Asmuchas
shewantedtogohome,shecouldn’tleaveEthanhanging.Notwhenhewasprobablyalreadystanding

on the court, waiting for her. She’d made a commitment to him and she always honored her
commitments.

Shoulderingherbag,shemadeherwaytothewingthathousedtheracquetballcourts.Asshe’d

guessed,Ethanwasalreadythere,warmingup.Sheeyedhimthroughtheglasspanelinthedoor,for
oncenotfeelingathingasshelookedathislong,stronglegs,well-muscledarmsandfallen-angel’s
face.

Shesmiledalittlegrimly.Aftermonthsoftellingherselfthatitwasreally,reallyinappropriate

to have a low-level crush on her fellow partner and racquetball buddy, it seemed that all it took to
neutralizehisridiculousgoodlooksandrampantsexappealwasthenewsthatshemighthaveleftit
toolatetohavechildren.

Shetuckedherchinintoherchest,squaredhershouldersandfixedasmileonherface.Thenshe

pushedopenthedoorandenteredthecourt.

“Hey.Thoughtyouweregoingtochickenoutonme,”Ethansaidasshethrewherbagontopof

hisinthecorner.Alockofdarkhairfelloverhisforeheadandhebrusheditawaywithanimpatient
hand.

“Sorry.Gotcaughtup,”shesaid.
“Noshameinadmittingyou’reintimidated,slowpoke,”Ethansaid,hisdarkblueeyesglinting

withamusedchallenge.

Mostofthewomenintheofficewouldturnintoapuddleoffeminineneedifhegavethemone

ofthoselooks,butAlexhadbeenbuildingupherimmunityfromdayone.Itwaspartoftheirshtick,
the way he twinkled and glinted and flirted with her and the way she batted it all back at him,
supremelyunimpressedbyhischarmer ’stricks.

According to their usual routine, she was supposed to rise to the bait of him using his much-

disputednicknameforherbutshedidn’thaveitinhertonight.Instead,sheconcentratedonunzipping
thecoveronherracquetbeforeturningtomakebriefeyecontactwithhim.

“Let’splay,”shesaid.Thesoonertheystarted,thesoonerthiswouldbeover.
Heraisedhiseyebrows.“Don’twanttowarmup?”
“Nope.”
Shetookherpositiononthecourt.
Hefrowned.“Youokay?”
“I’mfine,”shesaid.“Youwanttoservefirst…?”
Ethan’sgazenarrowedashestudiedher.Sheadjustedhergriponherracquetandtriedtolook

normal.Whateverthatwas.

Finallyheshruggedandmovedtotheothersideofthecourt.Afterall,itwasn’tasthoughthey

had the kind of friendship that went beyond the realm of the stuffy oak-paneled offices of
Wallingsworth&Kentandtheracquetballcourt.Theymightbethetwoyoungestpartners,andthey
mightseeeyetoeyeonmostissuesthatcameupduringtheweeklypartners’meetings,butshehadno
ideawhathedidinhisdowntime—althoughshecouldtakeaneducatedguess,thankstoofficescuttle-
butt—and vice versa. Their friendship—if it could even be called that—was made up of nine-tenths
banterandone-tenthprofessionalrespect.Hewasthelastpersonshewouldconfideherfearsin.

Ethanbouncedtheballafewtimesbeforesendingitspeedingtowardthewallwithhispowerful

serve.Shelungedforward,racquetextended,andfeltthesatisfyingthwackasshemadecontact.Ina
blur of stop-and-go motion they crisscrossed the court, slamming the ball into corners, trying to
outmaneuvereachother.

Hewastallerthanher,andstronger,butshewasfasterandmoreflexible,aswellashavingfour

yearsonhimagewise.Theresultwasthattheyusuallygaveeachotheragoodrunfortheirmoney—
althoughEthanwasslightlyaheadontheirrunningscoreboard,havingbeatenherlastweek.

Tonightshewentaftereverypointasthoughherlifedependedonit,pushingherselfuntilshe

wasgaspingforbreathandsweatwasstinginghereyes.

After twenty minutes she’d won the first game and was ahead by three points on the second.

Ethanshotheragrinastheyswappedsidesforherserve.

“You’reonfire,slowpoke.Butdon’tgettoocomfortable.”
She didn’t bother responding, bouncing the ball and sending it slamming toward him instead.

Anotherfreneticfewminutespassedastheyfoughtforthepoint.

“Ipityhimorher,Ireallydo,”Ethansaidaftershe’dwonthebattlewithanoverheadslam.
Alextuckedastraystrandofbrownhairbehindherear.“Sorry?”
“Whoeverpissedyouoff.”
“I’mnotangry,”shesaid.
“Ifyousayso.”
Shepreparedtoserveagainbuthewalkedtothecornerandgrabbedabottleofwaterfromhis

bag.Shewaitedimpatientlyforhimtodrink,tappingherracquetagainstthesideofhersneaker.

They’djuststartedtheirthirdgamewhenshewentlong,lobbingashotatthewall.Ithitthehigh

lineandricochetedtowardEthanbutheletitflypasthimtohittherearwallwithoutevenattempting
totaketheshot.

“One,love,”hesaid,hischestheaving,abiggrinonhisface.“Nicevolley.”
“Hangon,thatwasmypoint,”shesaid.Shewipedherforearmacrossherforehead.
“Sorry,itwasout.”Histonewasfinal,utterlyconfident.
“Itwasin,Ethan.Rightontheline,sure,butthelineisin.”Shepointedtowardthefrontwallwith

herracquet.

“Trustme,itwasout.”
“Oh,well,ifyousayso,itmustberight.Imean,it’snotlikeyou’deverlietogetyourownway,

isit?You’reaman,andifitsuitsyou,I’msureanythinggoes—untilitdoesn’t,right?”

Herwordsechoedoffthehardsurfacesofthecourt.TherewasashortsilenceasEthanlooked

ather,hisexpressionunreadable.Thenshewaslookingathisbackasheturnedtocollecttheball.

Heatburneditswayupherchestandintoherface.Talkaboutoutofline.
“I’msorry.Thatwasreally…I’msorry,”shesaid.
Ethan regarded her for a long beat. “Maybe we should take a break. Or call it quits until next

week.”

“No!”Sheheardthedesperationinherownvoiceandtriedtofindthewordstoconvincehimto

keepplaying.Itseemedvitallyimportantthatshebeallowedtokeeprunningaroundthissmallbox,
smashingthehelloutofarubberball.Sheopenedhermouth,butherthroatseizedandheatpressedat
thebackofhereyes.Shespunaway.

Don’tcry,don’tcry,don’tyoudarecry.
Shestaredfiercelyatthefloor,clenchingandunclenchingherhandonthegripofherracquet.
“Hey.”Ethan’shandlandedonhershoulder.“What’sgoingon,Alex?”
“I’mfine,”shemanagedtosay.
“No,you’renot.”
“I’mfine.”Buthervoicecaughtonthelastwordthentearswerefallingdownherface.
“Shit,”shesaidunderherbreath.Ofallthepeopletobreakdowninfrontof.
“It’sokay,”Ethansaidfrombehindher.“Whateveritis,I’msureyoucanworkitout.”
Itwassofarfromthetruththatshelaughedharshly.“SureIcan.Icanmakemyselfyounger.I

canturnbacktimeandmakeJacobwanttohaveachildwithme.Hell,Icanprobablyclickmyfingers
andmakemyselfpregnant.”

The moment the words were out of her mouth she was acutely aware of how much she’d

revealed,howexposedshewasandhowreallyinappropriatethisconversationwas.ThiswasEthan
Stone, after all. Mr. Suave and Sophisticated, her fellow partner. Just because they shared lunch
occasionally and played racquetball regularly didn’t mean he wanted to know all the gory, messy
detailsofherprivatelife.Andshedidn’twanthimtoknow.Workwaswork,thiswas…veryprivate.

“Who’sJacob?”Ethanasked.
“Nobodyimportant.ForgetIsaidanything.”
Shewipedhercheekswithherfingertipsandsuckedinashakybreath.Shehadtogetagrip.Had

toputonhergamefaceandconvincehimthatshewasgoodandtoforgetwhatshe’dsaid.

“Alex…”
“I’mokay.Alittlestressed,that’sall.”Butthedamnedtearswouldn’tstop.
Warm, strong arms closed around her, pulling her toward a big, broad chest. Instinctively she

resistedhisembrace,tryingtopullaway.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he said, the sound vibrating through his chest and into hers, his arms

tighteningaroundher.

Finally she gave in, although she couldn’t bring herself to return the embrace—that would be

admittingtoomuch,askingfortoomuch.Instead,shestoodwithherarmshanginguselesslybyher
sides,herbodyrigidwithtension,waitingforthismomentofpityorsympathyorwhateveritwasto
bedonewithsoshecouldmakeherexcusesandgetthehelloutofhere.

He didn’t seem in any hurry to let her go, however. She could hear his heart beating steadily

beneathherearandshecouldsmellhisaftershave,somethingwithsandalwoodandmusknotes.Ithad
beenalongtimesinceshe’dbeenheldbyaman—eighteenmonths.

She’dforgottenhowgooditfelt.
Slowly,despiteherself,someofthetensioneasedfromherbody.
“Nothingwrongwithbeingupset,Alex,”Ethansaid.
Shesniffed,indesperateneedofatissue.ThistimewhenshepushedEthanawayhelethergo.

She kept her face averted as she crossed to her gym bag. She squatted to rummage inside for her
towel,thenpressedthesoftfabricagainstherfaceuntilshewassureshe’dblottedawayallevidence
ofheroutburst.Thenandonlythendidshepushherselfuprightandfacehimagain.

Theyeyedeachotherforalongbeat.FinallyAlexclearedherthroat.
“Idon’tsupposeyou’dbepreparedtopretendthelastfewminutesneverhappened?”
“Who’sJacob?”heaskedagain.
“I appreciate the concern, I really do, but you don’t want to hear the pathetic details of my

personallife.”Sheworkedhardtokeephertonelightanddry.

His gaze searched her face for a long moment. “Let me guess. Jacob’s your ex, right? What

happened?Ishegettingmarried?Movingcountries?Dyingfromanobscuredisease?”

“Ireallydon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“Sohe’sgettingmarried.”
“He’snotgettingmarried.Canwejustleaveit?”
“Howlongagodidyoubreakup?”
Shethrewherhandsintheair.“Hewaspushingababystroller,okay?He’safather.Isthatwhat

youwantedtoknow?”

Therewasashortsilence.ShecouldseethesurpriseonEthan’sface,asthoughshe’dpresented

himwithapuzzlepieceandhedidn’tknowwhereitfit.LikeDr.Ramsay,hewasprobablyshocked
that she wanted to be a mother. She’d done such a good job of building the facade of Alexandra
Knight,cool,efficientcorporatelawyer,thatnoonehadanyideawhatlaybehindthepowersuitsand
overtime.Whichwasthewayshelikedit.Mostofthetime.

“Howoldareyou?”Ethanasked.

“Excuseme?”
“Thirty-five?Thirty-six?”
“I’mthirty-ninethisyear.”
“Thirty-nine’snotold—”
She held up a hand. “Please don’t tell me that I have plenty of time to meet someone else and

have a child. I know it might be hard for someone who only has to click his fingers to have half a
dozen women panting at his front door to understand, but men over thirty-five who want to get
marriedandhavekidsarealittlethinontheground.AndIhaveitonthegoodauthorityofmydoctor
thatmychancesofconceivingdroptotenpercentonceIhitmyforties.”

“Isee,”hesaid.
Andsheknewhedid—toomuch.
Shestood,shoulderingherbag.“Look,Ireallyhavetogo.I’msorryaboutthegame.Andthe

blubbering.I’llmakeituptoyounextweek.”

Shedidn’twaitforhimtorespond,simplystrodeforthedoor.Sheshouldhavestucktoherfirst

instinctandcanceledthegame.Shouldhavegonehomeandgottenalltheangerandhurtanddespair
outofhersystembeforeshe’dhadtofacetheworldagain.

Shedidn’trelaxuntilshewasbehindthewheelofhercar,cocoonedbythedarkoutsideandthe

instantwarmthofherheater.Thenandonlythendidhershouldersandstomachmusclesrelax.She
sankagainsttheseatandexhalednoisily.Shefeltsobloodywearyanddefeated.Overwhelmed.Filled
withregret.

Butshecouldn’tturnbacktime,couldshe?Couldn’tgobackeighteenmonthsandbetheoneto

“accidentally”forgetafewvitalpillssothatshecouldbethemotherofJacob’schildandforcehim
intofatherhoodagainsthiswill.

Notthatshehadn’tconsidereddoingthattowardtheend.She’dbeentempted,morethanonce.

The bottom line was that she hadn’t wanted to build their family on the foundation of a lie. She’d
respectedJacobtoomuchtotakesuchanimportantdecisionoutofhishands.

Andnowitwastoolate.Orcloseenoughasmadenodifference.She’dmissedtheboat.Waited

toolong.Andnoamountoftempertantrumsontheracquetballcourtwasgoingtochangethatfact.
Shewassimplygoingtohavetosuckitupandgetonwithplayingthehandshe’dbeendealt.Andif
thathandmeantnochildren…well,sobeit.

CHAPTERTWO

LEX’SMOODOFGRIM

resignationheldswayuntilshesteppedoutoftheshowerlaterthatevening.She’d

made herself dinner when she arrived home from the gym and eaten it mechanically, then she’d
settledonthecouchanddeterminedlyworkedherwaythroughthecontractsshe’dbroughtwithher.
She didn’t let herself think. She was good at that—it was one of her most successful survival
techniques. It wasn’t until she’d showered and was toweling herself dry that she caught sight of her
naked body in the bathroom mirror and stilled. She let the towel fall to the floor and pressed her
handsagainstherbelly,spreadingherfingerswide,feelingtheresilienceofherownskin.

Howmanytimeshadsheimaginedwhatitwouldbeliketogrowbigwithherchild?Tosmooth

herhandsoverherswollenbelly?Howmanytimeshadshetriedtoimaginewhatitwouldfeelliketo
haveasmall,newlifeflutteringinsideher?

Timetoputthatdreamaway.
Sheletherhandsdrop,butunlikeearlierwhenshe’dfirstconfrontedherbrutalreality,asmall

voicepipedupinthebackofhermind.

Avoiceofdefiance.Avoiceofhope.
You could still meet someone. You’ve got a few years. And it’s not like you’ve been knocking

yourselfouttryingtomeetanyone.Ifyoureallyputyourmindtoit,youcouldstillhaveachance.

Forexample,hadn’tsheflickedpastthreewholepagesofsinglesadsinthebacksectionofthe

daily newspaper this morning? She’d always turned her nose up at the idea of advertising for a
partner,nomatterthatshe’dheardplentyoffirst-andsecond-handaccountsofhowpeoplehadmet
their husbands and wives via dating sites. She’d been convinced that someone would come along
through the normal routes—friends, or work or some other social event. But maybe it was time to
makethingshappeninsteadofwaiting.

Sheshruggedintoherdressinggownandheadedforthekitchen,hermindteemingwithplans.

She’djoineverydatingwebsiteshecouldfind.She’dplaceherownsinglesad.She’ddateherassoff,
makeitanabsolutepriorityinherlifeuntilshemettherightman.Surely,ifshecommittedherselfto
thetaskoffindingapartner,treateditlikeaproject,she’dbesuccessful.Afterall,whenhadn’tshe
achievedwhatshewantedoncesheputhermindtoit?

She’dheldthehouseholdtogetherafterhermother ’saccidentthroughsheergrit.Andafterher

mother ’sdeathshe’dbulldozedherwaythroughlawschool,thenputherheaddownandbulldozed
some more until she’d made partner in one of Melbourne’s top law firms a mere seven years after
graduating. When she wanted something in her professional life, she was formidable. So why
couldn’tshetransferthatethostoherpersonallife?

Herjawwastensewithpurposeassherescuedthismorning’spaperfromthetopofthepilein

therecyclebin.Shecrossedtothekitchentableandspreadthepaperwide,thumbingthroughuntilshe
found the classifieds section. She stared at the columns of small print, aware of her heart beating a
determined tattoo against her rib cage. Then she ran her finger down the page until she found the
MaleSeeksFemalesectionandbegantoread.

After a few minutes she grabbed a pen from the caddy on her kitchen counter and started to

circlethelikelysuspects.

Male,mid-forties,goodsenseofhumor,professional,seekswomaninmid-tolate-thirties,
attractive,goodsenseofhumor.Enjoysmovies,hiking,readingbiographies…

Man, 30s, seeks woman for potential relationship. Should enjoy outdoor sports and
overseastravel…

Successfulprofessionalmaleseeksmature,attractivewomannoolderthan40withstrong
sense of self and independence. You should enjoy dining out, weekends away and the
theater…

Bythetimeshe’dfinishedshehadalistofeightpossibleprospects.Responsewasviaemailso

shehauledoutherlaptopandfireditup.Therewasnoreasonshecouldn’tsendthesameresponseto
alleightmen.Comingupwiththatresponse,however,thatmighttakesometime.

Shecalledupadocumentprogramonhercomputerandsatwithherfingershoveringoverthe

keyboard.Howtobestdescribeherself?Sheneededtosoundappealingbutnotdesperate.She’dnever
considered herself a great beauty—her jaw-length dark hair was thick and healthy but nothing
spectacular,andhermouthwastoowideandhereyestoolargeforconventionalstandards—butshe
wasattractiveenoughandJacobhadalwayssaidthathelovedherplushmouthandfullbreasts.But
shecouldhardlyputthatinanad.Shetypedafewlines,thenimmediatelydeletedthem.Howtoget
theessenceofherselfacrossinafewshortparagraphs?Howtocutthroughalltheotherresponses
thesemenmightreceiveandstandoutfromthepack?Becausethemoremenshemet,thehigherthe
chance of finding someone compatible and the sooner she could sound him out on the subject of
children.

Shejotteddownsomesumsinthemarginofthenewspaper.Sayittookhersixmonthstofind

someone. Then another, say, four months before she felt comfortable broaching the subject of
childrenwithhim.Orwasfourmonthstoosoon?Itwashardtoknow.

Maybeshe’dhavetosimplyplayitbyear,seewhatcameupinconversation.Butifthemanwas

keen for a family, then they should probably wait another six months before attempting to get
pregnant.Justtoconsolidatetherelationship.Inthemeantime,shecouldtalktoDr.Ramsayaboutall
thethingssheneededtodotobeintip-topconditiontoconceive—folatesupplementsandwhatnot—
sothatshewouldbereadytogoatthedropofahat.

So adding the six-month search time to the four-month vetting period, then the six-month

double-checktime—

Whatareyoudoing?Canyouhearyourself?
Alexstaredatthefigures.Aformulafordesperation—thatwaswhatshe’dcalculated.Aformula

forawomanwhowasterrifiedthatshewasgoingtomissout.

Was this what she really wanted? Did she really want a baby this much? Was motherhood so

important to her that she was prepared to put it at the forefront of any potential connection she
developedwithaman?

She was no psychologist, but she didn’t need to be to understand that embarking on a

relationshipwithsomeonewhileherbiologicalclocktickedloudlyinthebackgroundwasn’texactly
theidealwaytogo.

Butwhatchoicedidshehave?Itwasthis,orleaveittofatetothrowtherightmaninherpath

beforeitwastoolate.Andattheendoftheday,she’dneverbelievedinluck.She’dhadtofightfor
everygoodthingthathadevercomeherway.Whyshouldthisbeanydifferent?

Whatshewasplanningwasn’tparticularlyprettyordignified,butifithelpedherreachherend

goal,thensobeit.Life,asshewellknew,wasoftennotprettyordignified.

Shestoodandgrabbedthescissorsfromthekitchendrawerthencuttherelevantpagesfromthe

paper.She’dstartafoldertokeeptrackoftheadsshe’drespondedto,incaseshedoubledup.

Shewasabouttoclosethepaperandreturnittotherecyclebinwhenhergazecaughtonasmall,

neatadinthebottomright-handcorner.

SpermDonorWanted
Our client is an independent woman with her own home and business. She has a wide
supportnetworkandwishestobecomeamother.Sheisseekingadonorwithacleanbillof
healthandnofamilyhistoryofmajorillness.Ifyouareamalebetweentheagesof18and
45,youcanhelpherattainherdreamofmotherhoodbycontactingFertilityAustralasiaat
O295552801.Interstatedonorswelcome,travelpaymentsavailable.

Alexstilled.Foramomenttherewasnotasinglethoughtinhermind.Thenshereachedforthe

newspaperandreadtheadagain,andagain.

Aspermbank.
Itsimplyhadn’toccurredtoherbefore.
Shestaredatthekitchenwall.Notfiveminutesagoshe’ddecidedthatshedidn’tbelieveinluck

andthatshewaspreparedtofightforwhatshewanted,evenifitsmackedofdesperationandmeant
looseningthetightgripshe’dalwaysheldonherpride.

A sperm donor was a dead cert. There would be no equivocating or pussyfooting around

worryingaboutcompatibilityifshewenttherouteofsourcingfrozensperm,boughtfromasuitably
qualifiedclinic.Therewouldbenorespondingtowantadsandwaitinganxiouslyincoffeeshopsfor
her date to show up, no awkward first, second, third dates. She’d never have to judge when it was
appropriatetosoundoutamanonwhetherhewantedchildren.She’dneverhavetoworryaboutthe
relationshipbeingbasedmoreonabiologicalimperativethanmutualattractionandsharedfeeling.

Itwouldbeclean.Direct.Honest.
Bestofall,itmeantshewasincontrolofherowndestiny—asmuchasanypersoncouldbe.Her

bodymightnotwanttocooperate,ofcourse,butatleastshewouldhavetried.Givenitherbestshot.
Severalbestshots,dependingonthecosts.

She waited for her conscience to catch up with her, to sound a warning chime. But there was

nothing.

Thiswasnotthewayshe’dwantedtohaveachild.She’dwantedtobeonehalfofacouple,two

peopleworkingtogethertobringnewlifeintotheworld.Afamily.

Butshewasthirty-eightyearsold,staringdownthebarrelofherthirty-ninthbirthday.Shedidn’t

havetheluxuryofwaitingforMr.Rightanymore.Notifshewantedtobeamother.

Howmuchdoyouwantthis?Enoughtodoitalone?
Shedidn’thavetostretchherimaginationtoknowwhatitwouldbeliketohavetocopewiththe

pressuresandstressesofraisingachildonherown.Shewasalltoofamiliarwiththesensethatthere
werenotenoughhoursintheday,thatshewasutterlyalone,withnohelpinsight,andthattheonly
thingthatstoodbetweenhermotherandherselfwindinguponthestreetwasherdetermination.She

knewwhatitwasliketolivewiththeconstantfearthattherewouldn’tbeenoughfoodfortomorrow
orthathermotherwoulddosomethingthatwouldbringthewrathofsocialservicesdownuponthem.

She’dsurvivedeightyearsofloving,nursing,corrallingandpolicingherbrain-injuredmother

aftertheaccident.Shecouldbeasingleparent.Absolutelyshecould.

Shehadmoney—morethanenoughtoensuresheandherchildwouldneverwantforanything.

Yearsofobsessivesavinghadseentothat.Shecouldeasilyaffordtotakeayearoffwork,twoyears,
even.Shewasresourcefulanddetermined.Andshewantedthis.Shewantedthiswitheveryfiberof
herbeing.

Pickingupthescissors,sheslicedtheadneatlyfromthepage.

THANLEANED

onthedoorbellofhisbrother ’sBlackburnhomeandwaited.Sureenough,asmallface

appearedinthewindowbesidethedoor,grinninglikecrazy.

“UncleEthan!”
“Hey,matey.”
Therewasthesoundoffumblingfrombehindthedoor,thenitwasopenandhiseldestnephew,

Jamie,wasstickingouthistongueandmakingfakefartnoises.

EthanwaitedpatientlyforJamietogetitoutofhissystem.Hecouldonlyblamehimself,after

all, that the first thing his nephews did when they saw him was to break out the noisiest, wettest
raspberry they could come up with. His sister-in-law, Kay, had warned Ethan when he’d started
teasingthekidswithraspberries.

“You’remakingarodforyourownback,UncleEthan,”she’dsaid.“Youknowyou’regoingto

beUncleRaspberryforthenexttenyears,don’tyou?”

She’dbeenspoton,buthefiguredtherewereworsethingsintheworld.
Steppingoverthethreshold,hegrabbedJamiearoundthewaistandtuckedhimunderhisarm.
“Now,where’syourmomanddad?”heaskedasJamiebellowedadelightedprotest.
He hefted his nephew up the hallway to the kitchen where Kay was stacking dishes in the

dishwasher.Herdarkblondhairwaspulledbackinatieandshewaswearinghertailoredworkshirt
overapairofseen-better-daystracksuitpants.

“Youjustmisseddinner.Youshouldhavecalled,Iwouldhavesavedyousome.”
“I’vegotstuffathomefordinner,butthanksanyway.IthoughtI’ddropinandseeifDerekhad

finishedwiththatboxedsetofTheWireyet.”

“He’s finishing up some end-of-quarter figures for one of his clients in the study.” Kay wiped

her hands on a tea towel and gave him an amused look. “Let me guess what’s on the menu tonight
—wagyubeef,freshgreenbeans,potatodauphin,maybesomeredwinejus.Fordessert,vanillasemi-
freddowithpoachedseasonalfruit.”Shecockedherpinkyfingerintheairasthoughshewashaving
highteawiththequeen.

Hisloveofgoodfoodandwinehadalwaysbeenasourceofamusementforhisfamily.Heset

Jamieonhisfeet.

“As a matter of fact, it’s chicken stir-fry. What did you guys have? Fish fingers? Mac and

cheese?Beansontoast?”Twocouldplayatthatgame,afterall.

Kaylaughedandthrewthetowelathim.“Walkingafinelinethere,buddy.”
“UncleEthan,comeandseethenewtrickIcandoonmybike,”Jamiesaid,tuggingonhishand

todraghimtowardthedoortothepatio.

“Holdonthere,mister.Didn’tIaskyoutoputonyourjim-jams?It’stoocoldanddarkoutthere

foryoutoshowUncleEthananything,”Kaysaid.

“But—”
Kayputherfingersinherears.“Nope.Can’thearit.Wedon’thavethatwordinthishouse.”
Jamie’ssighwasheavywithresignation.“Allright.Butyouareonetoughcustomer,lady.”
KayandEthanexchangedamusedglancesasJamieslouchedofftohisroom.
“ApparentlyI’matoughcustomer,”Kaysaid.“Andalady.”
“Whowouldhavethunkit?Where’sTim?”
“Inthebath.Youcangowranglehimifyouwant.”
It wasn’t until he was helping his wriggling five-year-old nephew into his pajamas that Ethan

understood why he’d come to his brother ’s house instead of going home after racquetball. It had
shakenhim,hearingthelongingandyearninginAlex’svoicetonight.Remindedhimofhisformer
life.

Becauseonce,alongtimeago,he’dwantedkids,too.He’dwantedtoholdhissonsordaughters

inhisarms.He’dwantedtodrythemlikethisafterthenightlybath.He’dwantedtoteachthemtoread
andkickafootyorferrythemtoballetclasses.He’dwantedtoguidethemandhelpequipthemwith
theskillsthey’dneedtograpplewiththechallengeslifewouldthrowtheirway.He’dbeensobloody
certainthatchildrenwouldbeapartofhislife…

He smiled a little grimly. Alex would probably wet herself laughing if he told her that. She’d

thinkhewasbeingironicormakingfunofher.Shedidn’tknowabouthismarriage.Sheonlyknew
himasaguyinaslicksuitwithafastcarandareputationforchurningthroughwomen.

Butthenhedidn’tknowmuchabouther,either,didhe?
If anyone had told him that formidable, sharp, street-smart Alex Knight was even capable of

breakingdownthewayshehadtonighthe’dhavelaughed.Asforthesurprisingrevelationthatshe
wanted a child… He’d always thought of her as the consummate career lawyer, a woman who’d
dedicatedherselftothejobandmovinguptheladder.

Yet she’d cried tonight as though her heart was breaking because she was afraid that she’d

missed the opportunity to have a family of her own. Again he felt the echo of old grief as he
rememberedthewayshe’dcurledintoherself,hershouldershunchedasshetriedtocontainherpain.

Tim’s pajama buttons were misaligned and Ethan fixed them. He didn’t let his newphew go

immediately. Instead, he tightened his grip for a moment, hugging his nephew close, inhaling the
goodcleansmellofhim.

“Loveyou,littlebuddy,youknowthat,don’tyou?”hesaidquietly.
“Iknow,”Timsaid.Thenhewriggled,asignalhewasoverthehug,andEthanreleasedhim.
“What’swrongwithyoutonight?”Timasked,hisbigeyesunflinchingastheystudiedEthan.
“Nothing.”Ethandredgedupasmileandusedacornerofthetoweltoflickhisnephewonthe

leg.“Timetohitthesack,matey.”

“Areyougoingtoreadmemybedtimestory?”
“IthoughtIwasdoingthattonight,”anaggrievedvoicesaidfromthedoorway.
Ethan looked up to find his younger brother wearing a mock-hurt expression on his face.

ShorterthanEthan,hehadthesamestrongcheekbonesanddarkhairbutaslightlybiggernoseand
palerblueeyes.Justenoughuglytosavemefrombeingaprettyboylikeyou,Derekalwaysjoked.

“Youcandoitanyoldtime,”Timsaidairily.
“NicetoknowI’msoeasilyreplaced,”Dereksaiddrily.
“I’mnotreplacingyou,stupid,you’remydaddy,”Timsaid,asifthatexplainedeverything.
“Whatbringsyoutothisneckofthewoods?”Derekasked.
“Justintheneighborhood,”Ethansaid.
“What’swiththeBjornBorgoutfit?”
Ethan glanced down at his black midthigh-length shorts and charcoal hoody and raised an

eyebrowathisbrother ’sderisivedescription.“Racquetball.”

“Ah.Stillplayingwiththatguyfromwork?Adamorwhatever?”
“Alex.Andhe’sashe.”
“Really?”Derek’sexpressionturnedspeculative.
Ethanstood,shakingoutthetowelbeforearrangingitovertherack.“You’relikeahairy,much

lessattractiveversionofHello,Dolly,youknowthat?”

“What’sshelike?”
Ethanrolledhiseyes.“I’mnotinthemarket.AndevenifIwas,she’sapartner.Andafriend.”
“Soyou’reseeingsomeoneelse?Whencanwemeether?”Derekasked.
ForamomentEthanconsideredlying,simplytogethisbrotheroffhisback.“Thetap’sleaking

onthetub,bytheway.”

“No shit. We could do dinner, the four of us. It’s been a while since Kay and I ate somewhere

wheretheydon’thavecartoonsonthemenu.”

“I’mnotseeinganyone.I’mjustnotinthemarket.”
“Stillrackingupthenotchesontheoldbedpost.Whatachallenge.”Hisbrother ’stonewasflat,

unimpressed.

“Noteveryonecanhavethewhite-picketdream,mate.”
Ethanhaddeliberatelykepttheuglierdetailsofhisdivorcefromhisfamily,figuringtherewas

no need for the world to know exactly how spectacularly his marriage had failed. The downside to
thatbitofself-preservationwastheselittlepeptalkshisbrotherpushedonhimperiodically.Justas
therewasnothingworsethananex-smoker,therewasnoonemorepro-kidsandpro-matrimonythan
ahappilymarriedman.

Even though he’d never admit it to his brother, Ethan’s social life was a lot less hectic than

anyone imagined. Sleeping around had gotten old quickly after the divorce. Like drinking till you
passedoutandbraggingaboutyourexploits,beingaman-slutwasapparentlysomethingthataguy
grewoutof.Gofigure.“YouseenTheGirlsNextDoorlately?Hugh’slookingprettytragic,shuffling
aroundinthatsmokingjacket,”Dereksaid.

“Willyouletitgo,Derek?”Ethansaid,anedgeinhisvoice.
Most of the time he didn’t mind his brother ’s old-lady nagging, but tonight…tonight it was

reallygettinguphisnose.

“Justtryingtosaveyoufromyourself.”
“Yeah?EverthoughtthatmaybeIdon’tneedsaving?”
“Nope.”
Ethanturnedhisbackonhisbrotherandwalkedtothelivingroom.Ifhestayed,theyweregoing

towindupinanargument.Derekhadgoodintentions,butheneededtoletgooftheideathatEthan
wasgoingtomeetagoodwomanandmarryagain.Itwasnevergoingtohappen.Ever.

Kaylookedupfromtidyingthecoffeetablewhenheentered.
“Bettergethometomywagyu,”Ethansaid.“Whattime’sJamie’spartyagain?”
“Midday.It’sontheinvitation.Youdon’twantacoffee?”
Heforcedasmile.“I’mgood.Gottogohomeandpoachthatseasonalfruit,remember?”
Heblewherakissasheheadedforthedoor.

LEXWOKE

withathumpofdread.Somethingterriblehadhappened…

Thenitallcamebacktoher.Jacob,thedoctor,thesinglespages,thefertilityclinicad.
Shelayinbedforamoment,thinkingaboutthedecisionshe’dmadelastnight,walkingaround

it,examiningitfromallsides,proddingit,seeingifshestillfeltthesamewayinthecold,hardlight
ofanewday.

Theanswerwasyes.Shestillwantedachild.Andhersmartest,mostguaranteed,no-muss,no-

fusswayofgettingonewasthroughaspermbank.Whichmeantshehadsomeworktodo.

Eversinceshecouldremembershe’dbeenafacts-and-figuresperson.Itwasoneofthereasons

she’doptedforcorporatelawratherthancriminalorfamily.Shelikeddetail,andresearch,andshe
excelledatpullingtogetheralltherelevantinformationtomakerational,smartdecisionsthengoing
over and over and over the fine print until she’d plugged every hole, taken advantage of every
opportunity.

Assherolledoutofbedandmadeherwaytothebathroom,shestartedstrategizing.First,she

needed to find a reputable clinic. She needed to explore the ins and outs of sperm donation, the
screeningprocessandthesuccessrateforartificialinsemination.Thensheneededtogetherlifein
order.Ifshewasgoingtobepregnantintheforeseeablefuture,therewerealotofthingssheneeded
togetsorted.

Anursery,forstarters.
Shesqueezedhereyestightlyshut.
DearGod,I’mreallygoingtodothis.
Pointlesstodenythattherewasadefinitethreadofsadnessmixedinwiththedeterminationand

excitement.She’dgrownupwithoutafather.Shewouldhavepreferredforherchildtohaveone.But
therewerehundredsofthousandsofsingle-parentfamiliesintheworld.Shewoulddoherbestbyher
child,ifshewasblessedwithone,thesameasanyothermother.Thatwouldhavetobeenough.

Shedressedinoneofherdarktailoredskirtsuits,matchingitwithhersteel-graysuedepumps,

thenbrushedherhairuntilitfellsmoothlytoherjawline.Sheneverworemuchmakeupapartfroma
dustingofpowder,mascaraandlipstick.Fiveminuteslater,shewasonherwaytowork.

It wasn’t until she was about to slide out of her car in Wallingsworth & Kent’s underground

garagethatshespottedEthaninherrearviewmirrorandrememberedtheotherpartoflastnight—the
embarrassing, revealing part where she’d lost it and somehow wound up confiding in him. She’d
been so caught up in her plans this morning, so determined not to waste another minute, that she’d
forgottenhowthoroughlyshe’dexposedherself.

Instinctivelysheslunkdowninherseat,waitingforEthantoreachtheelevatorsbeforechecking

the rearview mirror again. Only when the doors had closed on him did she sit up straight, feeling
absurdandfoolishandrelievedallatonce.

Why, oh why, hadn’t she gone home instead of giving in to obligation and playing that stupid

racquetballgamewithhimlastnight?Shehadanoverdevelopedsenseofresponsibility,thatwasthe
problem.Andlookwhereithadgottenher.

Therewere plenty ofwomen, she knew,who would line uparound the blockto take solace in

EthanStone’sarms.ButhewasAlex’scolleagueandfellowpartner,andwhileshewaspreparedto
privatelyacknowledgethathewasanextremelyattractiveman,shehadnever,everallowedherselfto
do more than that. She valued her hard-earned reputation as a professional who knew her stuff and
whodidn’tletemotiongetintheway,fartoomuchtoindulgeinofficeflirtation.Especiallywitha
manwhowentthroughasmanywomenasEthandid.Asforblubberingalloverhimlikeahistrionic
schoolgirl,moaningaboutherdecliningfertility…

Awarethatshe’dbeenhidinginhercartoolong,Alexmadeherwaytotheelevators.Shetold

herselfthatwhenshesawEthanthismorning,shewouldsimplypretenditwasbusinessasusual.He’d
have to take his cue from her and follow suit. A few days from now, he’d have written off her
confessionashormonesandthey’dbebacktotheiroldfooting.

Exceptthemomentsheexitedtheelevatoronthefifteenthfloorsheheardhisvoiceandspotted

himstandinginthekitchenette,chattingwithFrannywhilehepouredhimselfacoffee.

Doit.Grabacoffee,talkabouttheweather.Showhimthatyou’rebacktoyourmouthy,smart-ass

selfandnormalizethesituation.

Shetookadeepbreath—thenpivotedonherheelandwalkedthelongwaytoheroffice.Which

madeheranenormouschicken,sheknew,butshewasonlyhuman.

Sheduckedhimtwicemorethatmorning,bowingoutofameetingshewassupposedtoattend

with him and taking the stairs when she saw him heading for the elevator. She told herself she was
merely buying herself time—for her to get over her self-consciousness and for him to forget the
detailsfromlastnight.

Shehadhalfanhourfreebeforethepartnerlunchatmiddayandshespentthetimecheckingout

fertilityclinicsontheinternet,oneeyeonherofficedoorthewholetime.

She found a number of information pages, complete with testimonials, and she followed the

linkstoyetmoresites.Shebookmarkedafew,thenfoundarecentnewspaperarticlereportingthat
therewasadrasticshortageofspermdonorsinAustralia,particularlydonorswhowere willing to
offer their sperm to single women or same-sex partners. According to the article, for some time
AustralianwomenhadbeenorderingspermfrombanksbasedintheU.S.Curious,sheclickedona
linkandfoundherselfstaringatliterallyhundredsofprofilesonaU.S.website.Shescannedthefirst
onewithgrowingincredulity.

Donor39isfivefooteleveninches,averagebuild,blue-eyed,blondhair.Hisbackground
isRussian,GermanandEnglish.Heisaprofessional,tertiaryeducated…

It was a little shocking to Alex that all this information was so readily available and that the

orderingprocesswassoeasy.She’dassumedshe’dhavetojumpthroughmorehoops,butaccording
to the website all she had to do was supply her credit-card number and she could purchase the
specimenofherchoiceandhaveitshippedouttoaclinicinAustraliawithintheweek.

Feelingalittledazed,shehittheprintbuttonsoshecouldtakethedonorprofileshomeandread

theminprivacy.Itwasn’tuntilsheclosedthescreendownthatshejoltedbacktoreality.

Shewasatwork,forPete’ssake,andshesharedherprinterstationwithherlegalsecretaryand

twootherlawyers.Allofwhomcouldbestandingaroundtheprinterrightnowwatchingherprofiles
spitoutofthemachine.

Shit!
Shewasonherfeetandroundingherdeskinseconds.Herhighheelsdugintothecarpetasshe

boltedforthedoor.SheracedpastFran’sdesktotheprinteralcoveandsaggedwithreliefwhenshe
foundnoonethere.

ThankGod.Thank.God.
Themachinewasspewingoutpagesandshecollectedthemanxiously.Shecheckedthefirstpage

—oneoftwenty!Anditwasonlyonpagenine.Sheshotalookoverhershoulder,thenrefocusedon
themachine.

Comeon,comeon!
Shesnatchedeachpageasitappeared,addingittothepilepressedtoherchest.Bythetimeshe

wasdowntopagesnineteenandtwentyherarmpitsweredampwithnervoussweat.

“Hey.I’vebeenlookingforyou.Youmissedourmeetingearlier,”adeepvoicesaidbehindher.
Shestarted,almostdroppingherarmfulofincriminatingdocuments.
“Ethan,youstartledme.”

“Nokidding.Nomorecoffeeforyoutoday,tiger.”
“Yeah.”Shesmilednervously,painfullyawarethattherewasstillonepageoutstandingfromher

tally.“So,um,howwasthemeeting?IhadaschedulingconflictthatIdidn’tseeuntilthelastminute.”

Outofthecornerofhereyeshesawthelastpageemergefromtheprinter.Shegrabbeditasit

hitthetray.OnlywhenalltwentypageswerepressedtightlytoherchestdidshegiveEthanherfull
attention.

“Dull,asusual.Remindmeagainwhywevolunteeredtoheadthebilling-softwarereview.”
“Becausewethoughtwecouldavoidmakingthesamemistakesthatweremadelasttime?”she

suggested.

“Right.Hownobleofus.”Hemovedalittlecloserandloweredhisvoice.“Howareyoudoing

today?”

She’dknownthiswascomingfromthemomentsheheardhisvoice.Shesteeledherselftomeet

hisdeepbluegaze.

“I’mgreat,”shesaidfirmly.“Reallygreat.”
“Yeah?”
He was standing so close she could smell his aftershave again. Embarrassed heat rose up her

face.Shedroppedhergazetothelapelofhischarcoalpinstripesuit.

“Absolutely.”
Shedidn’tneedtobelookingatEthantoknowhewasstudyingherclosely.
“Honestly,”shesaid,forcingherselftomakeeyecontactagain.“Ihadaminorfreak-out.Iwent

home,gotasolidnight’ssleepandnowI’mallgood.”

Helookedasthoughhewantedtosaymoreandshemadeabigdealoutofcheckingherwatch.
“Wow.We’rebothgoingtobelateforSam’sbirthdaylunchifwedon’tputourskateson,”she

said.

“I’mreadytogo.Ithoughtwecouldwalktogether.”
“Oh.Greatidea.ExceptI’vestillgotonelastcalltomake.AndIdon’twanttomakeyoulate,

too,”shefibbed.“Whydon’tyougoaheadandI’llseeyouattherestaurant?”

Again,shedidn’tgivehimachancetoobject,brushingpasthimandwalkingtowardheroffice.

Shedidn’tletherbreathoutuntilshewasthroughthedoorwayandsafelyoutofsight.

This was why it always paid to keep work and her private life separate. She lifted the sheaf of

papersandsmackedthemagainstherforehead.Fromnowon,anythingtodowithherpersonallife
stayedathomeandwashandledafterninetofive.Noexceptions.

As for Ethan… He would get the message. He’d have to, because she wasn’t exposing herself

anymorethanshealreadyhad.Thesoonertheybothforgotherbreakdownlastnight,thebetter.

THANWATCHED

LEX

disappearintoheroffice,afrownonhisface.Inthetwoyearshe’dworkedwith

her,she’dneveroncehadtroublemeetinghiseye—exceptfortoday.Mindyou,she’dalsoneverlet
himascloseasshehadlastnight.Priortothat,themostpersonaltopicthey’ddiscussedhadbeenher
hatred of black cherries. To be fair, he hadn’t volunteered the intimate details about his own life,
either,buthe’dalwayshadthesensethatevenifhe’dtriedtogetclosertoAlexshewouldhavekept
himatarm’slength.Shewashappytojokeandsparandcompetewithhim,butanythingdeeperthan
thatwasoutofbounds.Ithadneverreallybotheredhimbefore,buttodayhefeltdistinctlypissedthat
he’dbeenshutout.

Hestraightenedhiscuffsandbuttonedhissuitjacketandtoldhimselftogetoverit.Itwasn’tas

thoughhewasinthemarketforanewbosombuddy—hehadhisbrotherandahandfulofmateshe

couldrelyontohavehisback.Anditdefinitelywasn’tthathewaskeentoplayDr.Philandpassthe
tissues.ItwasnoskinoffhisnoseifAlexdidn’twanttoshare.

Hewasabouttoheadfortheelevatorwhenablinkingredlightcaughthiseye.TheprinterAlex

hadbeenhoveringoversourgentlywasjammed.

He couldn’t say what made him open the various flaps and trays to check for a paper jam.

PerhapsitwasbecauseAlexhadbeensojumpyandfurtive.Ormaybesomeotherinstinctguidedhim.

Whateveritwas,ittookhimonlysecondstofindtheculprit—asinglepagethathadfoldedinon

itselfinsteadofexitingtotheouttray.Hepulleditfreeandstraightenedit,shakingtonerdustoffhis
fingers.

Hescannedthefirstfewlinesbutcomprehensionwasafewmomentsincoming.Hisheadcame

upandheturnedtostaretowardAlex’soffice.

Whatonearth…?
Surelyshewasn’tseriouslythinking…?
He took a step, the incriminating evidence in hand, then stopped. What was he going to say to

her? Hadn’t he just established for himself that their friendship was limited to work and the
racquetballcourt?Thatshedidn’twanttodiscussherprivatelife?

Heslowlyfoldedthesheetinhalf,thenintoquartersbeforeslippingitintohisjacketpocket.He

wenttojointherestofthepartnersforlunch.

Hehaditrightthefirsttime—thiswasnothingtodowithhim.

CHAPTERTHREE

T HAN KEPT AN EYE OUT

forAlexastherestofthepartnersarrivedandseatedthemselvesintheprivate

diningroomatGrossiFlorentino,butshedidn’tslipthroughthedooruntilagoodtenminutesafter
everyoneelsewasperusingthemenu.

HewatchedasshemadeherexcusesandtookthelastremainingchairbetweenKeithLancaster

andTobyKoopermanattheotherendofthetable.ShesmiledatKeithwhenhesaidsomething,then
leaned back to allow the waiter to place a napkin across her knees. He returned his attention to his
menu,butthesoundofherlaughterdrewhisgaze.

She had one hand pressed to her chest and her eyes shone with amusement as she talked

animatedlywithKeith.Ethanwatchedthetiltofherheadandtheflushinhercheeksandthewayshe
gestured with her hands and had to remind himself that it was none of his business that she was
planning to buy frozen semen from some faceless donor in the U.S. because she was afraid she’d
missedtheboat.Itwasherlife,herdecision.Nothingtodowithhim.

Andyet…
Shewasonlythirty-eightyearsoldandshewasanattractive,sexywoman.Notconventionally

beautiful, perhaps, but incredibly appealing with her rich brown eyes and chestnut hair. More than
oncewhenthey’dbeenlunchingtogetherhe’dfoundhimselffixatingonhermouth,withitslush,full
lower lip. She was smart, too, and funny. If she hadn’t been a fellow partner and if he hadn’t
instinctivelyknownthatshewasnotthekindofwomanwhodidcasualaffairs,hewouldhaveasked
her out long ago. There had to be a bunch of men out there who would give their eyeteeth to meet
someonelikeher.

And yet she was planning on using a sperm donor to become pregnant. It simply didn’t make

sensetohimthatawomanwithasmuchasshehadtoofferwastakingsuchacompromisedrouteto
motherhood.Hewantedtopushbackhischair,grabherarmanddraghersomewhereprivatesohe
couldpointoutthatshewassellingherselfshort,big-time.

Hedidn’t.She’dmadeitmorethanclearthattheydidn’thavethesortoffriendshipthatinvited

thatkindofstraighttalking.Theywereworkbuddies.Goodforalittlebitchingaboutofficepolitics,
ajokeatthewatercoolerandaweeklyworkout.Thatwasit.

He dragged his gaze away, joining in the conversation around him. As with most partner

lunches,thewineflowedfreelyandtheroombecamenoisierasthemealprogressed.Ethanstuckto
oneglasssincehehadaheavyafternoonscheduleandkeptaneyeonthetime.Occasionally,against
hiswill,hefoundhimselfwatchingAlexandhisminddidaloopofthesamecircleofthoughts.He
repeated his mantra—nothing to do with you, nothing to do with you, nothing to do with you—and
returnedhisattentiontohisendofthetable.

HedecidedtogiveittwentymoreminutesbeforehemadehisapologieswhenAlexpushedback

herchairandstood.

“Well,someonehastopayforthislunch,”shesaid.“I’dbettergettoit.”
Laughtergreetedherannouncementashepushedbackhisownchair.
“ExactlywhatIwasthinking.”

Shelookedathimandhecaughtaflashofuneaseinhereyes.Hecrossedtothedoorandwaited

forhertojoinhim.

“Idon’tthinkthey’llbebillingmanyhoursthisafternoon,”hemurmuredastheymadetheirway

throughtherestaurant.

Hergazeflashedtowardhimbeforeskitteringawayagain.
“Probablyjustaswell,giventhewaythey’reworkingtheirwaythroughthewinelist.”
Theybothstoppedwhentheyreachedthedoublefrontdoors.Outside,theskywasadark,leaden

gray,andrainwaspouringdown.

“GoodoldMelbourne,”Alexsaid,thensheglancedruefullyathershoes.“Whataretheoddsof

usfindingataxithat’lltakeushalfablockuptheroad?”

Hedidn’tbotherresponding,simplyflippedupthecollaronhissuitjacket.
“Yeah,that’swhatIthought.”Shesighedandturnedupthecollaronherownjacket.
Hewasabouttoopenthedoorwhenawaiterrushedtotheirsidecarryingalargegolfumbrella.
“Withourcompliments,”hesaid,offeringtheumbrellatoEthan.
“Thankyou.We’llgetitbacktoyouthisafternoon,”hesaid.
Althoughgiventheamountofmoneythefirmwoulddroponlunch,therestaurantcouldafford

togiveeverypartneranumbrellaandstillcomeoutontop.

He held the door open and Alex stepped out under the restaurant’s portico. He followed,

breathinginthesmellofwetcementandrain.

“Shouldhavecheckedtheweatherreportbeforewelefttheoffice,”shesaid.
Heunfurledtheumbrellaandliftedit.
“Ready?”Hegesturedtowardtheteeming,wetworldthatawaitedthem.
She joined him beneath the curve of the umbrella, her shoulder brushing his, and they both

startedwalking,fallingintostepwithoneanotherafterafewpaces.

“Howwasyourmeal?”sheaskedafterashortsilence.
“Good.Yours?”
“Yeah,good.”
Heglancedather,butherheadwaslowered.They’dneverbeenreducedtosmalltalk;evenat

the very beginning of their friendship they’d always found plenty to say to each other. He felt as
thoughhewasbeingpunishedsomehow.Frozenoutwiththesilenttreatmentbecausehe’dwitnessed
herinamomentofweaknesslastnight.

“Alex—”
The world flashed white and a huge roll of thunder cracked overhead as the heavens opened

even further, sending rain pelting down out of the sky. He operated on instinct, wrapping an arm
aroundherwaistandhustlingherbeneaththescantshelterofanearbyshopportico.

Sheshothimastartledlookwhenhefinallylethergo.
“Can’tuseanumbrellainalightningstorm,”heexplainedashefurledthesoakedumbrella.
“No.Ofcoursenot.”Then,tohissurprise,hermouthquirkedasthoughshewassuppressinga

smile.

“What’ssofunny?”
“Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeenrescuedbefore,”shesaid.“ForamomentthereIfeltlikeIwasina

CaryGrantmovie.”

“AreyousuggestingthatImanhandledyou?”heasked.
“Absolutely.”
“LuckyIdidn’tgiveintomyfirsturgetothrowyouovermyshoulder,then.”
Shelaughed,hereyescrinklingatthecornersattractively.Helookedintoherfaceandithithim

againthatwhatshewasplanningwasjustplainwrong.

“Don’tdoit,Alex,”hesaid.“Don’tsellyourselfshort.”
Shestilled,thesmilefadingfromherlips.“Sorry?”
Ratherthan try toexplain, he pulledthe sheet of paperhe’d rescued fromthe printer from his

pocket and passed it over. She made a small distressed sound when she unfolded it and understood
whatitwas.

“You’re panicking right now, and the last thing you should be doing is making irrevocable

decisions,”hesaid.

Dark color flooded her face. “This is none of your business.” She crumpled the paper in her

handandglancedoverhershoulderasthoughshewasafraidsomeoneelsemighthaveseenit.

“Someonehastopointouttheobvious—thisisamistake.”
Alex blinked, her brown eyes wide with shock at his bald pronouncement. “At the risk of

repeatingmyself,thisisnoneofyourbusiness,”shesaid.

Ethanknewshewasright.Shewasafellowpartner,andhewassteppingwayovertheline,but

hecouldn’thelphimself.Shedeservedamilliontimesbetterthanwhatshewasconsidering.

“I’mnotgoingtostandbywhilesomeoneIlikeandrespectmakesamessofherlife.Lookme

intheeyeandtellmethisisthewayyouwanttohaveachild.”

She flinched, then her chin came up. “I’m not having this discussion with you, Ethan. Just

becauseIhadamomentofweaknesswhileyouhappenedtobearoundlastnightdoesn’tgiveyoua
freepassintomyprivatelife.”

“Answermyquestion.”Hetookastepcloser.“Orareyouafraidto?”
Heknewthatwouldgether—hemightnotknowwhatschoolshewentto,buthedidknowthat

Alexpridedherselfonneverretreatingfromachallenge.

Sheliftedherchinandeyedhimangrily.“Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Ethan?Youwantmeto

admitthatI’mdesperate?Thatthisismylastresort?Okay,sure.Iamanditis.Youwantmetotell
youthatwhenIwasalittlegirlandIdreamedofhavingafamilyofmyown,neverinamillionyears
didIimaginemyselfpickinghisorherfatherfromanonlinecatalog?Absolutely.Andiftherewas
anyotheroptiononthehorizon,thereisnowayintheworldIwouldconsiderdoingthis.Butthere
isn’t,andIrefusetositonmyhandswhilemylastchancetohaveafamilyfadesaway.”

“It’snotfadingaway.You’rethirty-eight,notforty-eight,andtherearehundredsofmenwho’d

breakalegtomeetawomanasattractiveandtogetherasyou.”

Shemadearudenoise.“Youthinkmenarelininguptoaskoutabusywomanwithamindofher

ownwhoprobablyearnsmorethantheydo?Especiallywhenthere’ssomeyoungblondethinginher
twentieshangingaroundatthebarwhoonlywantstohaveagoodtime?”

“Youthinkallmenareabunchofmoronswho’drathergooutwithacenterfoldthanawoman

withabraininherhead?”hecountered.

“Youtellme—whenwasthelasttimeyoubypassedthebeautyandwentforthebrain?”
“Thisisn’taboutme.You’recoppingout,Alex,andyou’regoingtoregretit.”
“Don’tyoudarejudgeme.Youhavenoideawhatit’sliketoknowthatinafewyears’timeyour

own body is going to take away your options. So don’t stand there and lecture me about what I’m
worthorwhatIdeserve.Lifeisn’taboutwhatyoudeserve—it’saboutwhatyoucangetandwhatyou
canlivewith.AndIwillnotbeabletolivewithmyselfifIdon’ttrytomakethishappen.”

Sheturnedonherheelandwalkedintotherain.
“Alex,”hesaid,dartingafterhertopullherbackbeneaththeshelteroftheawning.
Shejerkedfreeofhisgrasp.“No,Ethan.”
Shekeptwalking,herheaddown,hershouldersroundedagainsttheforceoftherain.
Hesworeunderhisbreath—buthedidn’tgoafterher.He’dalreadysteppedoverthelineandhe

didn’ttrusthimselfnottodoitagain.

She was making a mistake. But maybe he should have listened to his first instinct and walked

away.

Maybe.

LEXWASDRIPPINGWET

whenshereturnedtotheoffice.Frantookonelookatherandshottoherfeet.

“I’vegotatowelinmygymbag.”
“Thanks.”
AlexhadtoedoffhershoesandwaspeelingoffherwetsuitjacketwhenFranreturned.
“You’re soaked to the skin,” Fran said, sliding a mug of tea onto Alex’s desk and draping a

towelaroundAlex’sshoulders.“Ibroughtyousomethinghottodrink.”

“Thanks. If you wouldn’t mind, there’s some dry cleaning in my car…?” She shivered as a

trickleofcoldwaterrandownherspine.

“Givemeyourkeys,I’llgoandgrabitforyou.”
Alex gave her assistant a grateful smile as she handed over her car keys. “You’re the best,

Franny.”

“Iknow,”theolderwomansaiddrily.“Won’tbeatick.”
She pulled the door shut behind her as she exited. Once she was alone, Alex let the smile fall

fromherface.

Shestillcouldn’tbelievethatconversation.ThethingsEthanhadsaid…Thefactthatheknew…
Her hands were shaking as she tugged her wet shirt from her waistband. She gripped them

together,willingthetremblingtostop.

He’d shocked her, that was all. She hadn’t planned to tell anyone that she was using a sperm

bank, even her friend Helen, who lived in the apartment across the hall, or Samantha, whom she’d
studiedwith.Onceshewaspregnant,she’ddecidedtosimplyclaimthefatherwasnolongeronthe
scene.Ithappenedeveryday,afterall.Whynottoher?

But now Ethan knew. And he didn’t approve. Which was pretty rich coming from a guy who

madeGeorgeClooneylooklikeanadvertisementforcelibacy.

Ethanthoughtshewassellingherselfshort.Rememberingthewayhe’dsaiditmadeherangry

alloveragain.Didhetrulythinkthiswashermethodofchoiceforhavingachild?Thatshehadn’t
consideredallotheroptions?Thatshewastakingsomekindofexpedientshortcuttomotherhood?

Shestartedworkingonthebuttonsonhershirt.
Stupid,butshefeltbetrayed.She’dalwaysrespectedhimandvaluedhisopinion.Hewassmart

andfunnyandgenerouswithhistimeandhenever,everpatronizedherortreatedheraslessthanan
equalthewaysomeoftheolderpartnersdid.Evenontheracquetballcourthenevergaveherquarter.
Andnow—

Aknocksoundedatthedoor.“Alex.”
She tensed. She could hear the determined note in Ethan’s voice even through an inch of

varnishedwood.

“Goaway.”
Thedoorswungopenandshegaveasquawkofoutrage, clutching the gaping neckline of her

shirttogethertokeepherselfdecent.

“Doyoumind?”
His suit was dark at the shoulders and trouser cuffs and he dismissed her modesty with an

impatientwaveofhishand.

“I’msorry,okay?WhatIsaidbefore…youhaveeveryrighttobeangrywithme.Ijust…Idon’t

wantyoutoregretthis.”

There was so much sincerity and concern in his voice and his deep blue eyes that the angry

wordsinherthroatdissolved.Shestaredathimforalongmoment,thenturnedawaytorebuttonher
dampshirt.

“Iwantachild,”shesaid,hervoiceverylow.“AmIsupposedtomissoutbecausethemusichas

stoppedandallthechairsarefull?”

“No.”
Sheturnedtofacehimagain,armscrossedoverherchestdefensively.“Thenyoutellmewhat

I’msupposedtodo,Ethan.Joinadatingsiteandtrawlforamanwho’slookingforcommitmentand
notjustsex?Howlongdoyouthinkit’sgoingtotaketofindoneofthose?AndifIdo,whendoyou
suggestIbringupthesubjectofchildrenwithhim?Firstdate?Second?Sixteenth?Andifhesaysyes,
sure,I’dlovekids,howlongshouldwewaitbeforewestarttrying?Aweek?Amonth?Ayear?”She
could hear her voice becoming strident and she made an effort to remain calm. “Do you honestly
thinkthat’sanylessdesperateandcompromisedthanmegoingtoaspermbank?Really?”

Helookedaway,thenranahandoverhisdamphair.“There’snoeasyanswer.”
“No,thereisn’t.”
Alineofwatertrickleddownthesideofhisfaceandshepassedhimthetowel.Shecouldn’thelp

noticingthathelookedasgoodwetashediddry.Shedidn’tneedamirrortotellhershelookedlike
adrownedrat.

“Maybeyoucan’tunderstandthisbecauseyou’reaman,butthisissomethingI’vewantedsinceI

wasalittlegirl,”shesaid.“Tobeamother.Toloveunconditionally.Towatchanewpersonfindtheir
wayintheworld.Notveryrevolutionaryordaringbytoday’sstandards,butit’swhatIwant.AndI
thinkI’dbeadecentmother.”

Ethanloosenedtheknotonhistieandunbuttonedhistopshirtbutton.“I’mnotquestioningyour

abilitytobeamother,Alex.Ithinkyou’dmakeagreatmom.Butyouspoketoyourdoctorlastnight
andtodayIfindyouprintingoffinformationonspermdonors.It’saprettybigleap,you’vegotto
admit.”

“I’mresearching,notplacinganorder.”
“You’repanicking.Youranintoyourexandyou’refreakingout.”
Sheseriouslyconsideredkickinghimintheshin.Wasn’thelisteningtoher?Hadn’thehearda

thingshe’dsaid?

“I’mfacingfacts.Timeisrunningoutforme.Andyes,inaperfectworldIwouldwantmychild

toknowhisfather.Butthisiswhat’sonthetableandI’mnottooproudorprecioustotakeit.”

TherewasaraponherofficedoorbeforeitopenedandFranentered.
“Ihadtroublefindingyourcar.ThankGodforthesebeepydoor-openthings,”shesaid.
ShestoppedinhertrackswhenshesawEthan,glancingbetweenthetwoofthem.
“Sorry.Ididn’tmeantointerrupt.”
“Youdidn’t.Ethanwasleaving.”Alexgavehimameaningfullook.
“Iseeyougotcaughtintherain,aswell,”Fransaid,runningadisapprovingeyeoverEthan’s

wetsuit.“Doyouwantmetotrytodosomethingwiththatjacket?”

“Thanks,butI’msureitwilldryoutokay.”
“Well, don’t let us keep you,” Alex said pointedly. “Wouldn’t want you to catch a chill or

anything.”

Ethangaveheradrylook.“I’llseeyoulater,Alex.”Hemanagedtomakeitsoundlikebotha

threatandapromiseasheexited.

Franclosedthedoorafterhim.“IhopeIdidn’twalkintothemiddleofsomething.”
Asfishingexpeditionswent,itwasfarfromsubtle.

“Youdidn’t.Wewerediscussingsomethingthatcameupoverlunch.”
“Isee.”
Alexcouldseetheolderwomandidn’tbelieveher.Great.Thatwasallsheneeded—herassistant

thinkingtherewassomethinggoingonbetweenherandEthan,theofficesexgod.Thatwouldgetthe
jungledrumspounding.

“Pity he wouldn’t let me take care of his jacket. I was kind of hoping I could convince him to

whiphisshirtoffinfrontofus,”Fransaid.

Despite everything, Alex laughed. Couldn’t help herself. For a woman in her late fifties, Fran

sometimes came out with the most outrageous things. “Careful, Fran, or you’ll be up on a sexual-
harassmentcharge.”

“Itwouldalmostbeworthit.Ibethe’sgotanamazingchest.Don’ttellmeyouhaven’tthought

aboutit. And thosethighs… What amI saying? You playracquetball with him.You must have seen
himinallhisglory.”

Fran was looking at her expectantly and Alex concentrated on taking her clean shirt off the

hanger.

“Ireallyhaven’tnoticed,tobehonest,”shelied.
“Thenyouneedyourheadreadandyoureyestested.Agorgeousmanlikehim—Itellyou,ifI

wasafewyearsyounger,I’dbemorethanhappyforhimtoparkhisslippersundermybed.”

“Ithinkhe’sprettybusyparkinghisslippersaroundtownalready.”
Fran sighed. “Well, who can blame him? At least he’s spreading the joy.” On that outrageous

note she headed for the door. “Next appointment’s in ten,” she called over her shoulder before she
disappeared.

“Thanks.”
Alextuckedhershirtinandpulledouthercompacttocheckherhair.Shehadnoideawhattodo

aboutthefactthatEthanwasprivytohermostprivateplans.Ithadbeenbadtoloseitinfrontofhim
lastnight,butforhimtoknowherpregnancyplot…

Shestilledwhensherecognizedwhatshesawinherreflection:shame.
Therehadbeenmanyoccasionsinherlifewhenshe’dfeltthestingofshame.Whenoneofthe

kidsatherhighschoolhadlearnedabouthermother ’sbraindamageandshe’darrivedatschoolone
morning to find everyone whispering and staring at her. When she’d had to wait for hours in the
waiting room at social services, feeling the pitying eyes watching her and wondering. When she’d
found herself rubbing elbows with some of Melbourne’s most privileged sons and daughters at
MelbourneLawSchool,herwell-thumbedsecondhandtextbooksandthrift-shopclothesmarkingher
asanoutsiderasobviouslyasifshe’dbeencarryingaflare.

It was only with the hindsight of age and experience that she’d finally understood that those

moments had not been cause for shame. Her mother had suffered a terrible injury, and as a
consequenceherwholelifehadchanged.Theyhadbeenpoor,andtheyhadstruggled.Therewasno
shameinanyofthosecircumstances.

Alexstraightenedhershoulders.Therewasnoshameinwhatshewasdoingnow,either.Shewas

single.Shewantedachild.Shewasn’tbreakinganylawsorhurtinganyoneoractingimmorally.

She made a promise to herself on the spot: from now on, she wasn’t going to apologize or

explainwhatshewantedtoanyone.Andshewasn’tgoingtowastepreciousenergyworryingabout
whatEthanthoughtordidn’tthink.Ifhewasherfriend…well,hewouldsupporther.Andifhewasn’t
thenshewaswellshotofhim.

Eitherway,itwasn’tgoingtostopherfrompursuinghergoal.

THAN WENT HOME

toanemptyapartment.Nosurprisesthere,thatwasthewayhelikedit.Heshowered

andchangedintojeansandasweater,thenwanderedaimlesslyfromroomtoroom.Hepickedupthe
magazinehe’dbeenreading,thenputitdown.FlickedontheTV,onlytoturnitoffagain.

Forthesecondnightinarow,AlexKnightwasinhisthoughts.
No two ways about it, he’d been an ass today, blundering into her business when he wasn’t

welcome.Butitwasn’thisownham-fistedbehaviorthatkepthimmovingrestlessly.Whatkeptrising
tothesurfaceofhismindwasthememoryoftheunadulterated,unashamedyearninghe’dheardin
Alex’svoicewhenshe’dtalkedaboutwantingachild.

Heunderstoodwhatitwasliketohavelifepulltherugoutfrombeneathyouandlaywastetoall

theplansyou’dmade.Whenhe’dmarriedCassie,he’dhadavisioninhisheadofhowtheirlifewas
goingtobe:thetwoofthemworkinghardtocompletetheirrespectivedegrees,thehousetheywould
buy, the amount of time they’d wait to get their careers established before starting a family, the
partnershiphe’dearn,theschoolsthekidswouldgoto…

He’dbeensocertainaboutallofit,soconfidentitwashisforthetaking.
HecrossedtothewindowandstareddownatthecarsmovingalongSt.KildaRoad.
Ithadbeenfiveyearssincehisdivorce,fiveyearssincehe’dunderstoodthathisplansforhis

lifedifferedwildlyfromreality.He’dlongsinceresignedhimselftothefactthatcertainthingswere
nevergoingtohappenforhim.

Alex,however,wasn’tevenclosetobeingcontentwiththehandshe’dbeendealtandapartof

him admired her for her refusal to simply accept that she’d missed out. He might not think her
solutionwasthegreatest,butshewasn’tpreparedtogiveuponherdream,andshewasgoingtogoto
thematfightingforit.

Hardnottobeimpressedbythatkindofdetermination.Buthe’dalwaysfoundherimpressive,

hadn’t he? From his first days with the firm he’d noticed her—those direct, clear brown eyes, that
mobilemouth,allthatattitudeandenergy.

Heartily sick of his own circling thoughts, Ethan went into the kitchen and concentrated on

dinner.HalfanhourlaterhehadthetaginesteamingonthestoveandthesmellofMoroccanspices
filledtheroom.

Heopenedabottleofwine,steamedsomecouscousandsatdowntochickenwithgreenolives

andalmondsforone.Thenhefoundagooddocumentaryandpouredhimselfanotherglassofwine.
ByelevenhewasoverTVandoverhimselfandhewenttobed.

Hewokewithastartseveralhourslater,hisheartracing,hisbodyclammywithsweat.Ittook

himamomenttoorienthimselftohisbedroom,tounderstandwhyCassiewasn’tinthebedbeside
himandwhyhecouldhearthefaintsoundoftrafficpassingbyoutsideinsteadofthehushedquietof
asuburbanstreet.

Heglancedatthealarmclock.Threeinthemorning.Great.
He rolled out of bed and walked naked to the bathroom. He sluiced water onto his face, then

glancedathisshadowyreflectioninthebathroommirror.Inthedimlight,allhecouldseewasthe
outline of his features and the glint of his eyes. He grabbed his robe and shrugged it on before
makinghiswaytothekitchen.

He couldn’t recall what he’d been dreaming about before he woke. All he could conjure were

vagueshadowsandapervadingsenseofloss.Betterthanateeth-falling-outorgoing-to-work-naked
dream,butnotbymuch.

Hepouredhimselfacoupleofinchesofcognacthentookhisdrinktothelivingroom.Oneof

the advantages of living so close to the city was that there was always a sense of activity—life—
happeningnearby,nomatterthetime,dayornight.

Hedrewupachairnearthewindow.Ifitwassummer,he’dgooutonthebalcony,butitwould

bebitterlycoldtonightsohesettledforrestinghisforeheadagainstthecoolglassandwatchingthe
brightlightsofthecity.

HethoughtaboutthenightTimwasborn,howhe’dfeltwhenhisbrotherhadpassedhisbrand-

newsonintoEthan’sarms.EthanhadbeenmovedatJamie’sbirth,hadevenfeltalittleambushedby
the tug of connection and protection he’d felt toward his brother ’s child. But with Tim, it had been
different.Cassiehadwalkedoutonhimbythen,andhe’dlookedintoTim’sunblinking,bewildered,
unfocusedblueeyesandunderstoodabsolutelythatthiswouldbeascloseashe’devercometobeing
aparent.Ithadbeenawatershedmoment.Amomentofresignationandacceptanceandgrief.

Butmaybehewasn’tasresignedashe’dthoughthewas.Maybehewasn’tquitereadytoabandon

thedreamofbeingafather.Maybe,likeAlex,hewasn’tpreparedtowalkawaywithoutafight.

He felt as though he was standing on the edge of a precipice, teetering on the brink of…

something.Amistake?Anopportunity?Asecondchance?

He lost track of how much time had passed. Slowly the sky lightened and brightened. Birds

started to appear, swooping in and out of the treetops in the Alexandra Gardens opposite his
apartment. He stood and stretched out his tight shoulders and back. Then he went into the bedroom
anddressed.

Heonlyhadtowaitfortenminutesbeforehisbrotheremergedfromhishouseandstarteddoing

hispre-runstretchesonthefrontlawn.Derekglancedoverhisshoulderatthesoundofthecardoor
closingandstilledforasplitsecondwhenhesawwhoitwas.Thenhestraightenedandcrossedthe
roadtojoinEthan.

“What’sgoingon?”heasked.Hisbreathwasvisibleinthecoldmorningair.
“Relax.It’snotanemergency.Iwantedtorunsomethingbyyou.”
DerekscannedhisfacethenobviouslydecidedtotakeEthanathisword.“Okay.Canyoudoit

whilewerun?”

“Ifyouthinkyoucankeepup.”
Dereksmiled.“Tryme.”
Theyraninsilenceforafewminutes,neitherofthempushingtheother.FinallyDerekstopped,

forcingEthantostop,too.

“Yougonnaspillorwhat?Thesuspenseiskillingme.”
Ethaneyedhisbrother.Thenhestareddownatthetoesofhissneakers.Afteralongbeathemet

hisbrother ’seyesagain.

“Firstup,Iwantyoutounderstandsomething.IknowwejokeaboutitalotandIletyounagme,

butI’mnevergoingtogetmarriedagain.Period.”

DerekfrownedandEthancouldseehewasabouttolaunchintothesame-old“youdon’tknow

whatmighthappeninthefuture,don’tcloseyourselfofftopossibility”speech.

“Thisisn’tastageI’mgoingthrough,it’snotsomethingthat’sgoingtochange,andIneedyou

toacceptthat.Okay?”

Derek’s focus shifted down the road, his hands on his hips. Then he shrugged and looked at

Ethan.“It’syourlife.”

“Yeah,itis.Whichbringsmetomynextquestion.”Hetookadeepbreath.Heknewhisbrother

was going to have strong feelings about what he was about to suggest, but he needed a sounding
boardbeforehemadeanyirrevocabledecisionsorcommitments.

“I’mthinkingofofferingtobecomeaspermdonorforafriend,”hesaid.
Derekopenedhismouth.Thenhecloseditagainwithoutsayinganything.
Fairenough.Ethanwasawarethathewashittinghisbrotherwiththisoutoftheblue.
“She’safriend.She’sworriedshe’srunningoutoftimeandshehasn’tmetanyone.Shedoesn’t

wanttomissout.She’sconsideringusingabank.AndI’mthinkingthatIcouldstepupinstead.Offer

tobethefather.Haveakid.”

“Jesus.Idon’tevenknowwhattosay,”Dereksaid.
“Lotsofpeopledoit.”
“Yeah.Gaypeople.Infertilepeople.Desperatewomen.You’reforty-two,Ethan.Kaycouldname

halfadozenofherfriendswhowouldliedownrightnowinthemiddleofthestreetandmakeababy
withyou.”

“Icoveredthat.I’mnotgettingmarriedagain.”
“Thendon’t.Livewithsomeone,whatever.Butdon’tbecomeaparentbyproxy.”
“Itwouldn’tbebyproxy.Imean,theconceptionwouldbe,obviously.ButI’dwanttobeapartof

thekid’slife.We’draisehimorhertogether,likeanydivorcedcouple.Acustodyagreement,child-
supportpayments.”

“You’rereallyserious,aren’tyou?”
“Yeah,Iam.I’vealwayswantedkids.AftereverythingwithCassieIthoughtI’dputitbehindme.

ButnowthisopportunityhascomeupandmaybeIdon’thavetomissout.Maybethereareotherways
todothis.”

Derekblewouthisbreathandshookhishead.“Whoisthiswoman,anyway?Howcloseafriend

isshe?”

“Iworkwithher.Irespecther.She’ssmart,funny,attractive.Ithinkshe’dbeagreatmotherand

wecouldparenttogetherreallywell.”

“Wow.Shesoundsalmosttoogoodtobetrue.Whyhasn’tsomeotherluckysuckersnappedher

up?”

Ridiculously,EthanfelthimselfbristleonAlex’sbehalf.Heknewhisbrotherwasonlytryingto

protecthim,butthiswasn’taboutAlex.Shedidn’tdeserveDerek’sscorn.

“Theguyshewaswithforsevenyearsdidn’twantkids.Shethoughtshehadmoretime,butthe

doctorsaysonceshe’soverfortyit’sslimpickings.”

“Right.”
Ethan cocked his head and waited but Derek remained silent. Ethan made a beckoning motion

withhisfingers.“Comeon.Iknowyou’vegotmore.Hitmewithit.”

“That’swhyyoucamehereatfive-thirtyinthemorning?Formetoplaydevil’sadvocate?”
Ethanshrugged.“Iknewyou’dhaveanopinion.Andthere’snooneItrustmore.”
“DamnedrightIhaveanopinion.Forstarters,whatareyougoingtotellyoursonordaughter

whentheyaskhowmommyanddaddymet?‘MommyandDaddyhadagreatdatedownatthelab’?”

“We’d tell them that we were friends, which is true. And when they were old enough to

understand,we’dtellthemthefulltruth.”

“Whataboutthefactthatthiskidisnevergoingtoknowthesecurityofhavingbothhisparents

underthesameroof?Rightfromthestarthe’sbornintoabrokenhome.”

“You want me to go over the stats for single-parent families in Australia? There are plenty of

people raising kids on their own, right from day one. Then there are the divorces and the custody
arrangements.ForsureanyarrangementAlexandIcomeupwithhastobebetterthanwhatalotof
divorcedcouplesagreeto—andI’minapositiontoknow.Thiswouldbeallaboutthechild,notus.
Wewouldn’tbeusingthekidtopunisheachother,there’dbenoissueswithchildsupportoraccess.
Nojealousyovernewpartners,noacrimony.”

Derek’seyesnarrowed.“Alex.That’sthewomanyouplayracquetballwith,right?”
Ethanhesitated.Untilhemadehisfinaldecision,hehadn’tplannedonrevealingAlex’sidentity.

Afterall,itwasherbusiness—untilitbecamehis.Buthe’dalreadyblownthegaffe.

“Yeah.That’sright.”
“Yousaythere’dbenoacrimony.You’rekiddingyourselfifyouthinktherearen’tgoingtobe

moments when the two of you want to rip each other ’s heads off. It doesn’t matter whether you’re
married or in a relationship or divorced or whatever, you’re going to disagree about something.
Raisingkidsislikethat,andnoneatlittlecontractyouguysdrawupbeforehandisgoingtomakeany
differencetothat.”

“HowdoyouandKayworkitout?”
“Wefight.Thenwehavesexandmakeup.WhatareyouandAlexgoingtodotogetoverthe

roughpatches?Playagameofracquetballandexchangelawyerjokes?”

“We’dworkitout.”Ithadbeenalongtimesincehetookanyoneatfacevalueortrustedhisown

instincts entirely where other people were concerned, but his gut told him Alex was a good and
genuineperson.

And if his gut was wrong…well, he’d be protected. He’d make sure their co-parenting

agreementwaswatertightandrocksolid.

“Doesn’t it worry you that this child would be the product of a medical procedure and not the

resultofanactoflove?”

“Youtryingtotellmethateverykidwho’sbornintotheworldisbornoflove?”
“Allright,passionthen.Somethinghumanandreal.Whatyou’retalkingaboutisso…calculated.

Likeabusinesstransaction.Callmeatraditionalist,butIcan’thelpthinkingthatthecreationofnew
lifeshouldatleastbeaccompaniedbysomesentiment.”

Ethanconsideredhisbrother ’swords.HeunderstoodwhereDerekwascomingfrom—he’dhad

the same gut-level rejection of Alex’s idea at first. He’d confronted her in the street, he’d been so
determinedthatsheholdoutforthe“realthing.”Butaftertalkingtoher,heunderstoodherurgency.
Shedidn’thavethetimetoplaytheoddsandhope.Asaman,hehadnosuchconstraints,butgivenhis
vowtoneveragainmarry,itwasunlikelyhe’dhaveachildanyotherway.

LikeAlex,herecognizedthatrighthere,rightnowtherewasanopportunityforhimtoperhaps

fulfillalong-helddream.Itwasanunconventionalopportunity,possiblyacalculatedone,asDerek
said.Butitwasthere,upforgrabs.

WhathadAlexsaidyesterday?Thisiswhat’sonthetableandI’mnottooproudorpreciousto

takeit.

Hefocusedonhisbrother.“Iappreciateyourhonesty.”
“Butit’snotgoingtochangeyourmind,isit?”
“No.”
“Youalwayswereastubbornbastard.”
They resumed running. Ethan glanced at his brother, aware Derek seemed troubled. No doubt

DerekwouldgohomeandtellKaywhatEthanintendedandthetwoofthemwouldrantandraveto
eachotherabouthowcrazyitwas.

Washecrazyforthinkingaboutdoingthis?Hehadagoodlife—alucrativecareer,therespect

of his peers, the security and peace of mind of relying on no one but himself. Was he nuts to even
thinkaboutthrowingfatherhoodintothemix?

Iwantachild.
HecouldstillhearthelonginginAlex’svoice.Heglancedupatthepalemorningsky.
SodoI.
Andthatwaswhatitcamedowntointheend.

CHAPTERFOUR

LEXGAVEHERSELFA

sterntalking-towhenshearrivedatworkthenextday.Shewouldnotbeavoiding

Ethantoday,foranyreason.Truetoherpromisetoherself,shewasgoingtodealwiththishead-on.If
heattemptedtodissuadeheragain,shewasgoingtolethimknowinnouncertaintermsthatwhileshe
appreciated his concern came from a sincere place, it was inappropriate. It was more than time for
him to butt out and go polish his car or chat up a hot blonde. It was her life, her decision, and he
didn’tgetavote.

She was tense all morning, convinced he would ambush her in her office, but he never came.

Whenshewentouttograbasandwichforlunchhewasn’twaitingforherinthefoyer,either,asshe’d
halfsuspectedhemightbe.

Itwaspossiblehewasincourt,ofcourse,orattendingoff-sitemeetings.Butshesawhimatthe

end of the corridor midafternoon and he caught her eye as he walked toward her. Adrenaline
squeezedintoherbellyandherchincameup.

Bestrong.Tellhimtomindhisownbeeswax.Noexplanationsorjustifications.
She took a deep breath, ready to fire the opening salvo as he drew closer and closer. Then he

nodded,murmuredhelloandpassedherby.

She stared at the empty hallway for a full ten seconds after he’d gone before forcing her

shouldersdownfromaroundherearsandreturningtoheroffice.Shetoldherselfhewasbidinghis
time,butbytheendofthedayhehadn’tsomuchassentheranemailorleftaphonemessage.

Perhaps he’d reconsidered his interference after a good night’s sleep. Maybe, like her, he’d

askedhimselfhowherprivatelifewasanyofhisbusiness.

Shedidn’tfullyrelaxuntilanotherdayhadpassedandhestillhadn’tapproachedher.Apparently

shewasoffthehook.Shetoldherselfshewasrelieved,thatitwasbestfortheirfriendshipandtheir
workingrelationshipthathebackoff.Andshewasrelieved—butshewasalsoconsciousofasenseof
disappointment. Which was crazy. He’d barged his way into her business, forced his opinions and
concernsdownherthroat,almostmadeherdoubtherself…Sheshouldbegratefulthathe’dfinally
decidedtoleaveheralone.

Thetruthwasthatshewasembarkingonalonelyjourney.She’dbevettingfertilityclinicson

her own, selecting the donor on her own, waiting anxiously on her own. If she got pregnant, there
wouldbenoonetoofferhercrackersifshehadmorningsicknessorrubherbackortellhertohave
anearlynight.Andwhenthebabywasborn,shewouldbedealingwithalltheminorandmajorcrises
of raising a child on her own. Ethan’s interest and concern had been unwanted and frustrating and
inappropriate,butithadalsobeensincereandreal,bornoffriendshipandgenuinegoodwill.There
wassomethingtobesaidforhavingsomeonelookingoutforyou.

Sheremindedherselfthatshe’dbeenalonethebulkofheradultlifeandmuchofherchildhood.

She’d never needed anyone to watch her back or catch her if she fell. Why should now be any
different?

She spent the weekend going over her financial records. She had a couple of investment

propertiesaswellastheapartment,alongwithahealthystockportfolio,andshesentanemailtoher

financialadvisortomakeanappointmentforthefollowingweektodiscussthebestwaytostructure
heraffairsduringhermaternityleave.

Onceshewassatisfiedshehadagoodhandleonthings,shesatdowninherlivingroomwitha

cup of strong black coffee and read over the donor profiles. Once she’d exhausted the ones she’d
accidentally printed at work, she accessed more via the internet. By midday Sunday she was awash
withthedetailsofoverfortymenandwasfeelingmorethanalittleoverwhelmed.Alittledepressed,
too. As lovely as some of the donors sounded—if she could trust the profiles—she’d always
imaginedherheartwouldchoosethefatherofherchild,notherhead.Butitwasn’tasthoughshehad
achoice,right?

Shedecidedsheneededabreak.Sheturnedoffhercomputer,changedintoherworkoutclothes

andwalkedacrossbusyQueensRoadtoAlbertParkLake.Itwasaclear,coldwinter ’sdayandthere
wereplentyofpeoplewalkingtheirdogsorjoggingalongthetrackthatcircledthelake.Shewarmed
up before running two laps, the cool air making her eyes sting. Then she spent twenty minutes
stretchingonthegrass,easingtheaccumulatedtensionoftheweekfromherhipsandlegsandback.

Her head was much clearer when she returned to the apartment and she reviewed the profiles

againuntilshehadashortlistofthreedonors.

OnewasafirefighterinCalifornia,thentherewasaPh.D.candidateandlastlyanengineering

student. On paper, they were all good options. Healthy, intelligent, kind. All of them claimed they
weredonatingspermbecausetheyhadclosefriendsorfamilymemberswithfertilityissuesandthey
wantedtohelpothersinsimilarcircumstances.Shechosetobelievethem,eventhoughsheknewthat
American donors were paid, while it was illegal in Australia for donors to receive anything except
reimbursementfortravelexpenses.Givenwhatshe’dreadaboutthespermshortagefromAustralian
menandthelimitednumberofthemwhowerepreparedtodonatetosinglewomen,shewasalmost
certainshewouldendupusinganAmericandonor.

Shortlistinhand,shewasreadytoputherplaninmotion.

LEXARRIVEDATWORK

earlyonMondaymorning,keentoclearherin-traysoshecouldcloseheroffice

doorandmakeapreliminaryinquiryatthefertilityclinicshe’dresearched.Shealsoneededtomake
anappointmentwithDr.Ramsay.

Herstepwasbriskasshecrossedtheundergroundgarage,herbriefcaseinhand.
“Alexandra.”
SheglancedoverhershouldertoseeEthanwalkingtowardher,hischocolate-brownovercoat

flaringbehindhim.Somethingflutteredinthepitofherstomachandsheremindedherselfthathe’d
hadplentyofopportunitytocornerherlastweek.

“Hey,”shesaid.
“Iwasgoingtodropbyyourofficethismorning,”hesaidashefellintostepbesideher.“You

gotanythingonforlunchtoday?”

“Lunch?”sheasked,instantlywary.
“Yes,lunch.Youknow,sandwiches,sushi,soup.Otherfoodstuffs.”
Sheglancedathim.Hishairlookedverydarkinthedimlighting.
“Isitonlylunch?”sheasked.“Oristheregoingtobeasideorderofyourunsolicitedopinion

onthetable?”

Heheldupahand.“Don’tshoot,Icomeinpeace.”
“Doyou?”
“Alex…Canwejusthavelunch?Mytreat.AndIpromisenottogiveyouanymoregrief.”He

drewacrossoverhisheart.

Despite her wariness, it was hard not to be charmed by the childish gesture. It was one of the

things she liked about him the most—despite the five-thousand-dollar suits and handmade Italian
shoesandhisundeniablegoodlooks,hewasn’tafraidtobesillyorhumbleorfoolish.

“WecanwalktoPellegrini’s,”headded.“HavesomespaghettiBologneseandgarlicbread.”
“Right,andscareoffourclientsfortherestoftheafternoon.”
Hespreadhishandswide.“Exactly.It’sawin-win.”
Her mouth curled at the corner and she made an effort to contain her smile. He really was a

charmingbastardwhenheputhismindtoit—somethinghewasnodoubtwellawareof.

Sheleveledasternfingerathim.“Nolectures,noquestions.Wego,weeat,webitchaboutLeo’s

latestcost-cuttingmemo,wecomeback.”

“You’retheboss,”Ethansaid.
Shenarrowedhereyes,tryingtoreadhim.Whatwasthisreallyabout?Wasitpossiblehewas

simply trying to restore their friendship to its usual level? Or was she setting herself up to be
browbeatenagain?

Thesoundoffootstepsheraldedtheapproachofoneofthelegalassistants.Ethanglancedover

hisshoulder,thenbackather.

“I’llswingbyyourofficeattwelve,”hesaid.
Then they were no longer alone and she was forced to swallow her uncertainty. She stood

slightlybehindhimintheelevatorastheytraveledtothefifteenthfloor,studyinghisprofilecovertly.

Shewantedthingstobeokaybetweenthem.Theirrelationshipmightbeonlyawork-basedone,

butshewouldmissthelunchesandtheirracquetballgamesifthisissuecamebetweenthem.

Sheshookoffherdoubtsastheylefttheelevatorandwenttheirseparateways.Ifhebroketheir

agreement,shewouldleavetherestaurant.Itwasthatsimple.

Despitebeingdistracted,shemanagedtoclearherdeskbyelevenandshetoldFrantoholdher

callsforfifteenminuteswhileshe“dealtwithafewmatters.”Sheshutthedoorandcalledthefertility
clinic.

Tenminuteslatershehadaninformationpackageonitswaytoherinthemailandalistoftests

she needed to discuss with her doctor. Once her health check was clear and she’d mapped her
ovulationcycle,shecouldmakeherfirstappointmentwiththeclinic.

Sheopenedthecalendaronhercomputer.Amonth,maybetwomonthsfromnowshemightbe

peeingonastickandholdingherbreathfortheoutcome.Itwasalmostsurreal.

Herintercombuzzed.
“Alex,I’vegotseniorcounselforBrackman-Lewisonthephone,AlistairHanlon.Yousaidifhe

calledtoputhimthrough.”

“Sure.Whatline?”
“Three.”
Alextookthecall.ThenexttimeshelookedupitwasnearlymiddayandEthanwasstandingin

herdoorway.

“Youreadytogo?”
“Um,sure.Justgivemeasectograbmybag.”
She’dmeanttocheckherhairandlipstickbeforeheshowedup,buthewasgoingtohavetotake

herthewayhefoundher.Notthathe’dprobablynotice.

“Howwasyourmorning?”heaskedastheyexitedthefoyerintobusyCollinsStreet.
Hermindflashedtoherphonecallwiththeclinic.“Promising.”
“WishIcouldsaythesame.”
TheytalkedworkforthewholeofthebriskwalktoBourkeStreetwherePellegrini’shadbeen

servingpastatotheworkingfolkofMelbourneforoverthirtyyears.

Theybothorderedabowloftherestaurant’sfamousspaghettiBologneseandcafelattesbefore

takingstoolsattheagedFormicacounterrunningalongthewallwhiletheywaitedfortheirmeals.

“Imeanttoask—arewestillonforracquetballtomorrownight?”
Alex shot Ethan a look. She hadn’t thought about their regular game. Not in the context of

canceling it, anyway. She’d simply assumed that they would play together, as usual. Which was
probablyalittlenaive,givenwhathadhappenedlastweek.

“Thecourt’sbooked,”shesaid.“Butifyou’vegototherplans…?”
“No,I’mgood.GottakeepmovingorIcansaygoodbyetomytoes.”Hepattedhisperfectlyflat

belly.

Normallyifhemadeacommentlikethatshe’dhavefelthonorboundtoragonhimabouthis

vanity, perhaps even crack a joke about how he couldn’t afford to put on weight given how much
moneyhe’dinvestedinhiswardrobe.

Today she slid the napkin dispenser an inch to the left and tried not to look too relieved. She

enjoyed their weekly games. Looked forward to them. Although she’d always been careful not to
focus on her enjoyment too much—Ethan was a fellow partner, after all. But there was no denying
thattheirhourofsweatandsmart-asseryhadlongbeenahighlightinherweek.

Ethanshiftedtoonesideasthewaitresssetdowntheircoffees.Itwasonlywhenhereachedfora

sugarpacketandalmostknockedhiscoffeeoverthatsheregisteredhowtensehewas.Sheglancedat
himoutofthecornerofhereyes.

She wasn’t imagining it. The tendons in his neck were as taut as bowstrings and a muscle

flickeredinhisjaw.ThenEthanreachedforhiscoffeeandshesawthattherewasaslighttremblein
hishand.

Ittookheramomenttounderstandwhatshewasseeing:Ethanwasnervous.Reallynervous,if

thathandtremblewasanythingtogoby.

She frowned. Why on earth would a man as inherently confident and cocky as Ethan Stone be

nervousabouthavingabowlofpastawithher?

“What’sgoingon,Ethan?”sheasked.“Areyouokay?”
Helookedather,thenheglancedathiscoffeeforalongbeat.Finallyhemethereyesagain.
“Lastweek,yousaidyou’dpreferforyourchildtohavearelationshipwithhisorherfatherifit

wasatallpossible.”

Herstomachsank.Hewasgoingtolectureheragain.Tellhershewaswrong,thatwhatshewas

planningwaswrong.She’dreallyhopedthattheycouldgetpastthis,thathecouldacceptherdecision
andtheycouldremainfriends.Hell,she’devenimaginedthattheirfriendshipmightdeepennowthat
theyhadbreachedtheinvisiblewallbetweentheirworkandprivatelives.

ButapparentlyEthanwasn’tgoingtoletthisgo.Whichmeantshewasgoingtohavetoleave.

Then she was going to have to cancel their racquetball game and let their friendship fade to polite
nods in the hall and the occasional discussion about the weather when they crossed paths in the
kitchenette.

“Wehadanagreement.Nomorelectures.”Shepushedhercoffeeawayandstartedtoslideoff

herstool.

Ethan’shandcurledaroundherforearm.
“Givemefiveminutes.Ipromiseit’snotalecture,”hesaid.
Hishandfeltverywarmwhereitgrippedherarm.
“Whatisit,then?”sheasked.
Ethan’sgazesearchedherface.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutwhatyousaidlastweek.Aboutalways

wantingtobeaparent.Aboutnotwantingtomissout.”

Shefrowned,tryingtounderstandwherethiswasgoing.
“Idon’tknowifIevertoldyou,butIwasmarriedonce.CassieandIdivorcedfiveyearsago.

Whenwegotmarried,weplannedonhavingatleastthreekids.Butitneverhappened.”

Ifhewasabouttotellherthathe’dresignedhimselftomissingoutandthatsheshould,too,she

wasgoingtodumphercoffeeoverhishead.

Ethanswallowednervously.“IguesswhatI’mtryingtoaskintheleasteloquentpossiblewayis

howwouldyoufeelaboutmeofferingtobeyourspermdonor?”

Alexstilled.Foramomenttheworldseemedtogoquiet.Orperhapsshewassimplysostunned

she’dblockedouteverythingexceptforhimandher.

“I’m…sorry?”
“I’dlikeyoutoconsidermeasapotentialfatherforyourchild,”hesaid.“Youshouldknowup

frontthatI’dwanttobeactivelyinvolvedinhisorherlife.I’dwantvisitationrightsandequalsayon
importantissueslikeeducationandhealth.I’dexpecttocontributefinancially.I’dwantittobeareal
partnership.”

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded sheaf of papers. “I’ve had a complete

medicalcheckup.Mydoctorsaystherearenoissuesthere.”Heslidthefoldedsheetstowardher.

Alexlookedfromhimtothepapersthenback.Sheshookherhead,utterlyblindsided.
Ethanfrowned.“Isthatano?Youdon’tevenwanttodiscussit?”
Theintensedisappointmentinhisfacewasenoughtospurherpasthershock.
“Ethan.Thisis—thisisnotwhatIwasexpecting,”shesaid.
Understatementoftheyear.
“Right.Well,I’vebeenthinkingaboutitsincelastweekbutIdidn’twanttosayanythinguntilI

hadthego-aheadfrommydoctor.”Hegesturedtowardtheprintout.“Ihadmyspermtested,aswell.
Apparentlyit’sgoodtogo.Strongmotility,thereportsaid.Goodcount.It’sallinthere.”

Heshifteduncomfortablyonhisstoolandsherealizedhewasblushing.Wouldtherebenoend

totoday’srevelationsregardingEthanStone?Ifanyonehadtoldheraweekagohewascapableof
blushing,shewouldhavelaughedintheirface.Asforhimwantingtobeaparent…

“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”shesaid.“Imean,obviouslyactuallyknowingthefatherofmychild

wouldbeahugebonus.Ideal,really.ButIneverevenconsidered…Ihadnoideayouwereinterested
inchildren.Orthatyou’dwant…”Sheliftedherhandsintheairtoindicatehowhelplessandblown
awayshefelt.

At that moment she registered that the waitress hovered behind them impatiently, two plates of

pastainhand.Theybothleanedtothesidetoallowhertoslidethemontothecounter,thentheywere
aloneagain.

Ethanshotheraruefullook.“Notthebestvenue.Sorry.Iwasn’treallythinking….”
She shook her head to indicate she wasn’t worried about where he’d chosen to make his

proposal.ShewastoobusytryingtoworkouthowshefeltaboutwhatEthanhadsuggested.

Shocked, obviously. She’d never had any inkling that he was interested in parenthood. Even if

she’dconsideredapproachingafriendforsperm—andshehadn’t—hewouldn’thavebeenonherlist.
Notinamillionyears.Hewastheofficehottie.Shesimplycouldn’tpicturehimwithbabypukeon
hisshirtandbagsunderhiseyesfromsleeplessnights.

Also,theydidn’thavethatkindofrelationship.She’dneverletherimaginationstrayoutsideof

the parameters of business. The moment he’d joined the firm she’d privately acknowledged that he
wasaveryattractive,verydynamicman—andthatonlyaveryfoolishwomanwouldallowherselfto
fallunderhisspell.Shevaluedhercareerfartoomuchtojeopardizeitforsomethingasephemeral
aslust.

Butnowhewasofferingtobecomeawholelotmore.HewasofferingtomergehisDNAwith

herstocreateachildthatwouldbindtheminextricablyforever.

Notexactlysmallpotatoes.Definitelynotsomethingshecouldgetherheadaroundinthematter

ofafewminutes.Thereweresomanythingstoconsider.Somanypotentialproblems—

“Whatifyoumeetsomeoneandfallmadlyinlove?You’regoingtowanttohavechildrenwith

herandthenyou’lllookbackatthisandwishyou’dwaited.”

“It’snevergoingtohappen,Alex.”
“Yousoundprettysureaboutthat.”
Ethanhesitatedamoment,thennoddedtowardherfood.“Weshouldeatbeforethisgetscold.”
Shefrowned.
“Eatandtalk,”hesaidwithaslightsmile.
Heledbyexample,twirlingstrandsofspaghettiaroundhisfork.Shefollowedsuit.
Ethanwaiteduntilhe’dswallowedbeforetalkingagain.“Iwasmarriedforeightyears,Alex.I

won’tgointothedetailsbecausethere’snopoint,butIdon’teverwanttogothereagain.”

“Noteverymarriageendsindivorce.”
“Enoughdo.I’mnotpreparedtoplaytheodds.Thestakesarewaytoohigh.”
Hisgazewasdirect.Shehadnodoubtthatheutterlybelievedwhathewassaying.Andyet…
“You say that, but what if you fall in love?” she asked quietly. “It happens every day, after all.

Whetherpeopleplanitornot.”

Hesmiledcynically.“It’sbeenfiveyearsandI’veneverevencomeclose.And,frankly,I’mnot

interestedinthehighdramaandtheheadaches.Lifeismuchsimplerwithoutallthebullshit.”

“Wow.You’vegotarealromanticstreakthere.”
Hepointedhisforkather.“YoulovedJacob,right?Canyouhonestlytellmethatthefunbitat

thestartoftherelationshipwasworthallthepainwhenthingswentbadattheotherend?”

Shethoughtforaminute.AbsolutelyithadbeenhardtowardtheendwithJacob.Thetears,the

fights, the almost constant ache in her chest as it became more and more apparent to her that their
relationshipwasdoomed.She’dbeenflatformonthsafterward,wonderingifshe’dmadeamistake,
missinghimlikecrazy.

“Itwashard,definitely.Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotpreparedtotryagain.”
“Thenletmeaskyouthesamequestion.Whatifyoumeetsomeoneandfallinlove?How’she

goingtofeelaboutyourbaby?”

Itwasprobablyveryrevealingofherpsychologyatpresentthatshehadn’tevenconsideredhow

herdecisionsmightaffectanyfuturespouse.She’dbeentoobusyfocusingonnotmissingouttoeven
considerhowsomehypotheticalspousemightfeelaboutherunconventionalpathtomotherhood.

“IguessifImeetsomeone,he’llsimplyhavetoacceptthatmychildandthewayIconceivedmy

childareapartofthepackage,”shesaidslowly.

“Exactly,”Ethansaid.
Sheforkedupmorespaghetti.Herbrainworkedfuriously,goingoverandoverwhatheoffered,

pullingitapart,tryingtofindtheloopholesandbeartraps.IttookheramomenttonoticethatEthan
had finished his spaghetti and was now watching her with unnerving intensity. She pushed the
remainderofhermealawayandturnedtofacehim.

Hedidn’tsayawordbutsheknewwhathewanted:toknowifshewaspreparedtoconsiderhis

offer.Ifshewantedhimtobethefatherofherchild.

Thereweresomanyconflictingthoughtsandfeelingsracingthroughhermindthatsheliterally

feltdizzy.

She slid off the stool. “I’m just going to… Give me a minute,” she mumbled. Then she made

hastefortherestroomsintherearoftherestaurant.

Shepushedherwaythroughtheswingdoorandwentstraightintothefirstcubicle.Sheclosed

thelidandsatonit,thenshestaredatthegraffiti-covereddoor.

She needed to think. Ethan was offering her something incredibly valuable and generous,

somethingthathadthepotentialtobewonderful—orpotentiallydisastrous.

Shetookadeepbreathandcudgeledherbrainintosomesemblanceofrationality.
Therewasnoissuewiththegeneticsideofthings,obviously.Ethanwaseverywoman’sfantasy

inthatdepartment—tall,dark,handsome,intelligent,fitandhealthy.

Therewasn’tadoubtinhermindthatherchildwouldbenefitfromthebestofthebestinterms

ofDNA.Thoseeyes.Thatbody.Thatwicked,sharpmindofhis.

And her child would also benefit from actually knowing his or her father. Ethan had said he

wantedtobeaninvolvedparent,thathewantedvisitationrightsandtobeapartofmajordecisions.
Shehadnoreasontodoubthissincerity;sheknewhimwellenoughtoknowthathewouldneverhave
made the offer in the first place if he wasn’t certain. Look at the medical tests he’d had done in
advance,forexample.He’dalreadyshownthathewasconsiderateandpreparedandthorough.

Ifshesaidyes,shewouldn’tbealone.She’dhavesomeonetobounceideasoff.Someonetocall

inthemiddle ofthenight forsolaceor sympathy.Someone to pick up the ball if she fumbled it. A
partner,infact,inalmosteverywayexceptthemostobvious.

Somanypros—andyettheconswerenotinsignificant.Forstarters,sheworkedwithEthan.Not

onlyworked,theywerebothpartners,whichmeanttheyweredoublyinvestedintheirjobs.Ifthings
turnedsourbetweenthem,ifsomethingwentwrong,therewouldbenoseparationbetweenhomeand
office.

There was also the fact that despite having worked with Ethan for two years, despite all the

lunches and racquetball games, there was still a great deal about him she didn’t know. She’d never
seenhimreallyangry,forexample.Shehadnoideahowhewassituatedfinancially,whathisattitude
aboutmoneywas.Sheknewnothingabouthisfamily,whetherhewasclosetothemorestranged.

Admittedly,shewouldn’tknowanyofthosethingsaboutananonymousdonorsheselectedfrom

anonlinecatalog,either,butshewouldn’tbeco-parentingwithanyofthosemen.

The bottom line was that what Ethan was proposing could be a dream come true—or it could

lockthembothintoarelationshipthatneitherofthemwerereallypreparedfor.

Thebathroomdoorswungopen,bringingwithitthenoiseoftherestaurantandremindingher

thatEthanwaswaitingforher.Waitingforherdecision.Shestoodandsmoothedherhandsdownher
skirt.Thensheflushedtheloo,moreforshowthananythingelse,andexitedthecubicletowashher
hands.

Ethanwasstudyingthecoffeegrindsinthebottomofhiscupwhensheslidontoherstool.He

lookedather,hiseyesfullofuncertainty.Nervestwistedinherstomachasshetookadeepbreath.

“Wewouldneedtositdownandtalkthingsthroughinalotofdetailbeforewemadeanyfinal

decision.Ifwe’regoingtoevenconsidersharingtheparentingofachild,weneedtobeonthesame
pageonsomanythings…”

AslowsmilespreadacrossEthan’smouth.
“It’snotayes,Ethan,”shefeltcompelledtopointout.
“Butit’snotano.”
Hewastryingtotemperhissmilebutshecouldseethereliefinhiseyes.Thehope.
HewantsthisasmuchasIdo.
She’dspentsomanyyearstryingtocoax,cajole,begandpleadwithJacobtogethimtoeven

considerbecomingaparentthatshe’dforgottenthatthereweremenwhocravedchildrenasmuchas
womendid.

“Weneedtotalkmore,”shesaid.“Alotmore.”
“Absolutely.HowaboutdinneratmyplaceonSaturdaynight?”

“Okay.Thatsoundsgood.”
“Thenit’sadate,”hesaid.
Eventhoughsheknewthereweresomanythingsthatcouldgowrong,shefeltlighterthanshe

hadinweeks.

Ifthisworkedout—
She clamped down on the thought. There was no point in getting excited over something that

hadn’thappened.Yet.

THANRETURNEDTO

hisofficeafterlunchandstaredathisblankcomputerscreen.

Ifthingsworkedout,ifheandAlexwerebothsatisfiedthattheywereonthesamepage,hehada

shotatbecomingafather.

He propped his elbows on his desk and pinched the bridge of his nose as a wave of emotion

threatenedtooverwhelmhim.

He’dthoughtthatdreamwasdone.Hereallyhad.Andnowhehadachance.ThankstoAlex.
Getagrip,Stone.Ithasn’thappenedyet.
Thethingwas,hehadn’trealizedhowmuchhe’dstakedonthis,howmuchhe’dinvesteduntil

she’dreturnedfromthebathroomandtoldhimshewaswillingtoconsiderhisoffer.

It was probably just as well that he and Alex had agreed not to discuss the matter again until

Saturdaynight.He’dneedtherestoftheweektogethisheadtogether.

Hehadapreliminarysettlementmeetingbookedthisafternoonsohegatheredhisfilesandwent

tocollecthisclientfromreception.JolieKinghadbeenmarriedalittleunderfiveyearsandhadtwo
childrenunderfour.Hersoon-to-beex,AdamKing,camefrommoney.Shedidnot.Likemostofhis
clients,Joliewasnotahappywoman.Shewasgrievingandangry,bitterandhurt.

Itwentwithoutsayingthatdivorcelawyersrarelysawthenobleraspectsofhumanity.
Joliegavehimawansmilewhenhegreetedher.
“Howareyoudoing?”heasked.
“Oh,youknow.Okay.”
Hetookhertohisofficeandwaiteduntilshewassettledbeforesayingthethingsthatneededto

besaid.

“Tomorrow’sgoingtobeatoughday,Jolie.AndIknowit’sgoingtobehardforyou,butIneed

toreiteratethatyouneedtoletmehandlethenegotiation.Okay?”

Jolieshifteddefensively.“Yeah.Ofcourse.Whywouldn’tI?”
Ethanwastemptedtoremindherabouttheconstantstringofangrytextandphonemessagesthat

had passed between her and her ex since divorce proceedings had started. He’d asked her to limit
conversationstoday-todaymattersandissuessurroundingtheirtwochildrenbuthadlittlefaiththat
Joliehadlistenedtohissuggestion.Shehadtoomuchemotioninvestedinthissituationtoseepastthe
hereandnow.

Buttomorrowwasimportant.Tomorrowcouldkeepthemoutofcourtandsaveherthousands

ofdollars.

“Listen.Iknowyou’repissedwithAdam.Iknowyouwanttotakehimtothecleanersandpunish

him,butmyjobisn’ttomakeAdamhurt.Myjobistohelpsetupyouandyourkidssothatyoucan
moveonandstartlivingyourlifeagain.Scoringpointsismeaninglessatthisstage.It’snotgoingto
changeanything,andit’sonlygoingtomakethingsuglier,moredrawnoutandmoreexpensive.We
havemuchmorecontrolifwesettleoutofcourt.Ifweleavethisinthehandsofthejudge,anything
couldhappen.”

Andusuallydid.Heknewanumberoffamilycourtjudgeswhopridedthemselvesonensuring

that no one walked away a winner from their courtroom. They considered their job well and fairly
doneifneitherpartyweresatisfiedorhappyattheendofthetrial.

Joliefrowned.Thenshebeganrantingaboutherex.Adamwasacheat,aliar.He’dneverbeena

goodhusband,shedidn’tknowwhyshe’dmarriedhim.Hesaidhelovedhiskidsbuthewashardly
aroundtospendtimewiththem—andthatwaswhentheyweremarried.Nowtheywereseparated,the
kidscouldbarelyrememberwhathelookedlike….

Ethansatbackandwaited.There’dbenotalkingtoJolieuntilshe’dventedherspleen.Hehad

plenty of clients who couldn’t engage the rational part of their brain until they’d off-loaded their
anger. Something about divorce seemed to short-circuit otherwise sensible human beings and turn
them into muddled, emotional messes. And he was often the dumping ground for their rage and
confusion.Asmuchashetoldhimselfitwaspartofthejob,ittookitstoll.Somuchanger,somuch
disappointmentandbitterness…Mostofthetimehetriedtoletitwashoverhim,butthereweredays
whenitgottohim.Definitely.

It wasn’t as though he hadn’t been there himself. He knew what it was like to be so filled with

hurtandinjusticethathe’dfeltasthoughhisskinwouldsplitwiththeforceofit.Heknewwhatitwas
liketowanttopunishthepersonwhohadoncebeenthecenterofhisworld.Andheabsolutelyknew
whatitwasliketolookbackovertheyearstogetherandwonderwhatithadallbeenworthandifit
hadevermeantanything.

WhenJoliehadfinallyrunherselfdown,heofferedheracupofcoffeeandacookiethenbegan

tooutlinewhathehopedtogainfromtomorrow’sroundtable.

He sent her home with instructions to get a good night’s sleep, then lost himself in the sea of

emailsandotherpaperworkonhisdesk.Thenhewenthomeanddidmorework.

Alex and the conversation they’d had over lunch was never far from his thoughts, always

hoveringinthebackground,readytosliptotheforewhenhisconcentrationlapsed.

Ifthingswentwell,theymighthaveachildtogether.Hemighthaveachancetobecomeafather,

withouttheattendantrisksofembarkingonanotherdoomed-to-failurerelationship.

Itwasenoughtokeephimawake,staringattheceilingforhours.

CHAPTERFIVE

LEXPRACT ICEDHERSERVE

whileshewaitedforEthantojoinherontheracquetballcourtafterworkthe

followingday.

He was late and she was beginning to wonder if something had come up at the office. They

hadn’tspoken since yesterday’slunch and she’dbeen with a clientall day. Butsurely if he couldn’t
maketheirgame,hewouldhavecalledoremailedorsomething.Unless,ofcourse,hewasregretting
hisofferanddidn’tknowhowtofaceher.

Shedismissedthenotionimmediately.Ethan’sofferhadn’tbeenmadeimpulsively.He’dgoneto

his doctor. He’d had his sperm checked out, for Pete’s sake. And if he had changed his mind, he’d
lookherintheeyeandtellher.Sheknewthatmuchabouthim.

Shefeltacoolbreezeonthebackofherneckasthedoortothecourtswungopenbehindher.
“Latecomersforfeitfirstserve,”shesaidwithoutturningaround.
“Sorry.RoadworkneartheArtCenter,”Ethansaid.
“Youusedthatexcuselasttimeyouwerelate.”
Sheglancedoverhershoulder,determinedtotreatthislikeanyotherTuesdaynightdespitethe

important question sitting between them. Then she saw Ethan’s face and every other consideration
wentoutthewindow.

“Ethan!MyGod,whathappened?”Shetookaninvoluntarysteptowardhim.
Hislefteyewasbruisedandpainfullooking,notquiteblackbutheadingthatway.Shefoughtthe

absurd,utterlyinappropriateurgetotouchhimtoreassureherselfthathewasokay.

“Don’tworry,it’sworsethanitlooks.”
“Whodidthistoyou?”
“It was an accident. Things got a little out of hand during my settlement conference this

afternoonandIgotinthewayofthewrongperson.”Heshruggedasiftosayitwasnobigdealbut
shecouldseehewasangry.

“Thishappenedinasettlementconference?Ihopeyouhadtheguyuponassaultcharges?”
“Itwasawoman,andIfigureditmightbedifficulthavingherchargedsinceshe’smyclient.Not

tomentionwhatitwoulddotomyreputationifitgotout.”

“Yourclientdidthis?”
“Great,huh?Nothinglikeagoodsettlementconferencetobringoutthelove.”Hesoundedbitter.
She’doftenwonderedhowhehandledalltheacrimonyandbadenergythatcamewithdivorce

andcustodycases.Apparently,sometimes,notsowell.

He glanced at her and shook his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to dump on you. It gets to me

sometimes.”

“It’dgettome,too.There’sareasonIchosecorporatelaw.Allthatconflict…”Sheshuddered

theatrically.“Givemeanice,complicatedcontractanyday.”

“Yeah.TherearedaysIwonderwhyIchosethisspecialty,too.”
“Whydidyou?”She’dalwayswantedtoknow.Whyvolunteerforanareaofthelawthatwasso

personalandpainful?

“IthoughtIcouldhelppeople,believeitornot.ButsometimesIwonder.Ireallydo….”Herana

handoverhisheadandgrippedthenapeofhisneck,visiblymakinganefforttocalmdown.

Hewassilentforalongmoment,thenheshookhishead.
“YouknowwhatIdon’tget?Whyweevengothroughthepretenseofgettingmarriedanymore.

I get the historical reasons—primogeniture, keeping power within families, property acquisition,
blah, blah. But none of that matters these days. The world has moved on. Yet we still cling to the
completelyunrealisticideathatmenandwomencanmakeabunchofprettyvowstooneanotherand
standbythemfortherestoftheirlives.”

“Iknowyouprobablydon’twanttohearthisrightnow,buttherearesomegoodmarriagesout

there.Whatarethestats—oneinthreemarriagesendindivorce?Thatmeanstwo-thirdsdon’t,”she
said.“Everstoptothinkthatyou’reseeingtheworstofmarriagebecauseofyourprofession?”

“Just because two-thirds of marriages don’t end up before the divorce courts doesn’t mean

they’rehappymarriages,Alex.Believeme.”

Washetalkingabouthisownmarriage?Wasthatwhatthiswasabout?
“Iguesssomepeoplearepreparedtomaketradeoffs,”shesaidcarefully.
“Togainwhat?Companionship?Security?Children?Isitreallyworthit?Lyinginbednextto

someonewhoisatbestindifferenttoyouoratworstactivelyhatesyourguts?”

Wow.Hewasreallyfeelingthepaintoday.
“Isthatwhathappenedforyouandyourwife?Youdidn’twanttolivewiththecompromise?”
Hestaredatherforalongbeatandforamomentshethoughtshe’dsteppedovertheline.
“Let’sjustsaythattherewasn’tenoughlovetogoaround.Whichisexactlymypoint.Oncethe

hormoneswearoff,love’sathinfoundationtobuildalifetimeon.Takethiscoupletoday—married
four years, two kids under three, and this afternoon they couldn’t even tolerate being in the same
roomasoneanother.”

Alex looked away from the bleak cynicism in his eyes. She understood that something had

happenedtoEthantomakehimlosefaithinpeople,butshebelievedinlove.She’dseenfirsthandhow
strong it was. The doctors had claimed her mother should have died in the car accident that had
damagedherbrainirretrievably,butshehadn’t.RachelKnighthadknownthatshewastheonlything
herdaughterhadandshe’dhungontolifetenaciouslybecausesherefusedtoleaveAlextothetender
merciesofsocialservices.

“What about children?” she said. “If we have a child together, you’ll love him or her, won’t

you?”

“That’sdifferent,”Ethansaid.
“Isit?”
“Youdon’tchoosetoloveyourchildren.Itjusthappens.”
“You think people choose to love each other or not? That you can choose to fall in or out of

lovewithsomeone?”

“I think that human beings are unreliable and fickle and childish and selfish and ultimately

unknowable,”hesaid.

“Andyetyouwanttomakeababywithme?”
He looked blank for a moment, then he smiled self-mockingly. “Which only proves my point,

right?Peopleareunreliable.”

She understood what he meant. Jacob had let her down, hadn’t he? He’d proven to be all the

things Ethan described. And yet her relationship with him hadn’t turned her into a cynic. It hadn’t
destroyedherfaithinlove.

She looked at Ethan, wondering. What would it take to do that to a person? What had gone

wrongbetweenhimandhiswife?

Sheforcedherselftoswallowthequestionscrowdingherthroat.Hedidn’twanttotalkaboutit.

Thatmuchwasobvious.

Sheleaneddownandpickeduponeoftheballsshe’dbeenpracticingwith.“Thinkyoucanplay

withadodgyeye?”

He didn’t immediately shift gears, but when he did he came out with all guns blazing. “Better

still,IthinkIcanbeatyou,slowpoke.Again.”

“Again?Iwonthelasttwomatchesinarow.”
“Arewecountinglastweek?BecauseIbelieveIwasuponpointsbeforewecalleditanight.”
“No,we’renotcountinglastweekandyou’refullofit,youknowthat?”
He smiled, and it felt like an achievement. As though she’d given him a small moment of

lightnessinanotherwisedarkday.

“It’sbeensaidbefore.UsuallywhenI’vegotagameortwooveryou,”hecountered.
“Don’tbankonthathappeningtonight.”
“We’llsee.”
“And don’t go thinking that I’m going to go easy on you because you smeared a little axle

greaseunderyoureye,”sheadded.

Ethanlaughed,thesoundloudintheenclosedcourt.“Them’sfightingwords,Ms.Knight.”
“Andtalkischeap,Mr.Stone.”
She watched him as he moved into position on the court. There was still a grim cast to his

featuresbutshecouldtellhewasmakinganefforttoshakeoffhismood.Shefeltasthoughshewas
seeing two people—the man she’d always thought Ethan was, and the man he truly was. The
charming,slightlyshallow,wittyplayboy,andthecomplex,damagedman.

Hemusthavelovedhiswifeagreatdealonceuponatime.
Because great disappointment was almost always preceded by great hope and great happiness,

wasn’tit?

“Haven’tgotallnight,slowpoke.Clock’sticking.”
Hewaswatchingher,oneeyebrowcockedinchallenge.Sheshookoffherthoughtsandbounced

theball.

“Buckleup,bigguy.It’sgoingtobeabumpynight.”
The trash talking continued as they played the first game. Despite what she’d said about not

givinghimspecialtreatmentbecauseofhisinjury,shekeptaclosewatchonhimandwhenhewinced
and rubbed his temple when he thought she wasn’t looking she walked straight to the corner and
grabbedhertowel.

“Don’ttellmeyou’readmittingdefeatafteronegame?”Ethanasked.
“You’vegotaheadache.Timetogohome,Rocky.”
Shestartedzippingthecoveroverherracquet.
“Idon’tsupposeitwouldmakeanydifferenceifIsaidIwasfine?”
“Nope.Gohomeandtakeanaspirin.”
Ethanjoinedherinthecorner,crouchingtocollecthisracquetcover.
“Worriedaboutme,slowpoke?”Heglancedather,hisheadtiltedtooneside,aplayful,warm

lightinhisdeepblueeyes.

Theywereclose,afewfeetapart,andforamomentshewasflustered,unabletotearhergaze

fromhis.Thensherallied.

“OfcourseIam.I’vegotavestedinterestnow,remember.Unlessyou’vecometoyoursenses

and changed your mind?” She could hear the note of uncertainty in her voice and she winced
inwardly. Hadn’t she already decided that Ethan wasn’t the kind of man to offer something so
importantonimpulse?

Hestood.“I’mnotgoinganywhere,Alex.”
“Thenyou’dbettergethomeandrestthatprettyheadofyours.”Shekneltandfussedpointlessly

withhergymbag,feelingridiculouslyself-conscious.

Overthepastweekshe’drevealedanenormousamountofherselftothismananditseemedshe

revealedmorewitheveryconversation.Shedidn’tlikefeelingatadisadvantage.

Bettergetusedtoit.Ifyou’regoingtomakeababywithhim,it’sonlygoingtogetworse.
Shesawhimbendtocollecthisbagoutofthecornerofhereye.
“I’llseeyoutomorrow,okay?”hesaid.
“Surething.”
Shethrewhimaquicksmilebuthershouldersdidn’trelaxuntilhe’dleftthecourt.
You’reanidiot.
DespitehavinghadanightandadaytoprocessEthan’soffer,shewasstilltryingtogetherhead

aroundtheconceptthathewantedtobethefatherofherchild.Itwastoo,toosurreal.Inthespaceofa
fewdaysthey’dleapfroggedaboutagazillionintimacylevelsandshesimplycouldn’tgettheideato
stickinherhead.

Saturdaynightoughttogoalongawaytohelpingonthatscore.Awholeeveningofhashingout

thedetailsoftheirproposedarrangementwouldsurelymakethisaboutasrealasitcouldget.

Shecheckedthetime.Therewasstilltwentyminutesleftoftheirhouronthecourt.Sheunzipped

herracquetandstood.

Perhapsifsheranherselfraggedshe’dsleeptonight.

LEX WOKE EARLY

on Saturday morning and spent the bulk of the day fretting—double-thinking

everything,conjuringallthemany,manythingsthatcouldgowrongwithwhatEthanwasproposing.
Sheexorcisedherdemonsbydusting,thenshebrokeouthermosaic-tilesuppliesandspentamessy
butsatisfyingfewhoursonthebalcony makingprogresson adecorativetabletop thatwouldnever
seethelightofday.

Bythetimeshewasfinishedshewasfeelingcalmerandmoresettledwithinherself.Shecleaned

up, then sat at the kitchen table with a pad and pen and composed a list of questions for Ethan. She
startedwiththebasics—questionsabouthisfamily,hisparents,hissiblings.Thenshestartedthinking
aboutthethingssheneededtoknowaboutthemanwhomightbethefatherofherchild.Bythetime
she’dfinished,shehadtwopages.Shestaredatallherquestions,alittleembarrassedbyhowmany
therewere.Howwasshegoingtorememberthemall?Shecouldn’tsimplypullthemoutinfrontof
Ethanandputhimthroughhispaces.Couldshe?Thensherememberedwhatthiswasallaboutand
decidedthatsheowedittoherselfandtohimandtotheirpotentialchildtobeasnosyandintrusiveas
necessarytobecomfortablewiththisarrangement.

She dressed carefully in a pair of tailored chocolate-brown pants and a soft beige silk blouse

withacowl-neck,brushedherhairuntilitbehaveditself,thenselectedabottleofwineandheadedfor
thedoor.

He’demailedherhisaddressduringtheweekandshe’dlearnedhelivedfiveminutesawayfrom

herQueensRoadapartment.Shesmiledtoherselfasshepulledupinfrontofhisbuilding.Herown
much more modest building had been built before the Second World War and would probably
disappear inside the foyer of the sleek, stylish residential tower looming above her. But then she’d
hardlyexpectedEthantoliveinahovel—themanspentthousandsonhissuits.Itstoodtoreasonthat
hisresidencewouldbeequallystylishandexclusive.

Shegrabbedthewine,lockedthecarandapproachedtheformidablefrontdoors.Ittookhera

momenttofindhisapartmentnumberamongsttheclusteronthedoorpanel.

Hisvoicesoundedverydeepwhenitcameovertheintercom.“Alex?”
“Hi,”shesaid.“Wanttobeammeup,Scotty?”
“Upyoucome.”
Thedooropenedautomatically—farclassierthanherownbuildingwherethedoormadealoud

buzzingnoiseandvisitorshadtopushthedoortoenter—andshetooktheelevatortothetenthfloor.

There were four doors leading off the hallway she stepped out into but only one of them was

open, light spilling onto the plush carpeted hall. She walked toward it as Ethan appeared in the
doorway,wipinghishandsonateatowel.

“Hey.Comeonin,”hesaidwithasmile.
HewaswearingapairoffadedjeansandaV-necklong-sleevedT-shirtingunmetalgray.His

hair was ruffled and his feet were bare and she could see a few crisp, dark curls peeking over the
necklineofhistop.

Shestaredathislong,strongfeetandwonderediftheywouldn’thavebeenbetteroffdoingthis

on more neutral territory. Then she gave herself a mental slap. They were here to talk about an
incrediblyintimate,incrediblyprivatesubject.Wherebettertodoitthanathisplaceorhers?

The problem was—and this was something she should have considered earlier—Ethan was a

compelling,charismaticman.She’ddeliberatelytreatedhimlikeabuddyandnotamanforthatvery
reason.Ithadhelpedthathedatedalotandwasclearlynotthekindofmanshewaslookingfor.But
nowtheywereabouttotalkaboutjoiningforcestocreateanewlife.Achildthatwouldbehalfhim
and half her. Even if the act of conception itself occurred via a clinical procedure, she and Ethan
wouldbeconnected,boundtogetherforlife.Hewouldbecomeamainstayofherworld.

Sheglancedathimashegesturedforhertoprecedehimintohisapartment.Hisbruisedeyehad

fadedtoamottledyellowandblue,yethewaseasilythebest-looking,sexiestmansheknew.

You’regoingtohavetobeverycarefulifyoudothis.
She made an effort to pull herself together as Ethan led her through a small entrance hall and

intoalarge,spaciouslivingroomwithhugefloor-to-ceilingwindows.Shesteppedclosertotheglass
toadmirethebreathtakingviewoftheAlexandraGardensandtheYarraRiver.

“Thisisprettyspectacular,”shesaid.
“Yeah.Itsoldtheapartmentforme,actually.”
“If I hang off the edge of my balcony, I’ve got a corner of Albert Park Lake.” She held her

fingersaninchaparttoindicatehowlimitedherviewwas.“Nothinglikethis.”

Heheldoutahand.“Letmetakecareofthatforyou.”
Sheglanceddownandsawthatshewasstranglingtheneckofthewinebottle.“Sure.Thanks.I

wasn’tsurewhatwewerehaving,soIbroughtapinotnoir….”

“Perfect.I’mmakingusslow-roastedlamb.”
He moved toward a doorway that she assumed must lead to the kitchen. She spared a quick,

assessing glance for his living space before following him. His decor was bold—two black leather
SimonePeignoircouches,apony-skinLeCorbusierchaiselounge,adeep,blood-redrugandthree
vibrant modern paintings in primary colors that made her think of thunderstorms and wild,
tempestuous seas. A red-gum dining table with clean, graceful lines dominated the corner near the
window.

Hewaspullingthecorkfromthebottlewhenshejoinedhiminthekitchen.
“Ilikeyourpaintings,”shesaid.
“ThisiswhereIconfessthatIknownothingaboutartbutIknowwhatIlike.”
“Well,Ireallydoknownothingaboutart.IsuspectI’mabitofaPhilistineatheart.”
She glanced at the array of ingredients and tools he had spread before him—little bowls of

sliced-upherbs,halvedlemonsreadytobejuiced,afancy-lookingwhiskandanexpensivecopper-
bottomedsaucepan.

“Youcook,”shesaid.“Imean,youreallycook.”
“Yousoundsurprised.”
“I’veneverpicturedyouwearinganapron.”
Hegaveheradrylook.“Justaswell,sinceIdon’townone.Cookingismywayofunwinding.”
“Ithoughtracquetballwasyourwayofunwinding.”
“Racquetballismywayofnotturningintoafatbastard.Whataboutyou?”
“AreyouaskingifI’mworriedaboutturningintoafatbitch?”
Hesmiled.“Whatdoyoudotounwind?”
“Idomosaics.”
“Asintiles?”
“That’sright.Tabletops,mirrorframes,thatkindofthing.”Shefeltsillyadmittingit.Itwasn’tas

thoughshewasanygood.

“See,Iwouldneverhaveguessedthataboutyou.You’llhavetoshowmeyourworksometime.”
“Ornot.”
Helaughed.“Notgoingcoyonme,slowpoke?”
“Merelysparingyoufromhavingtobepolite.I’mnotverygood.Mostofmyprojectsarenever

seenbyhumaneyesonceI’mdone.”

“You’reexaggerating,”hesaidashepouredthewineandhandedheraglass.
“No,I’mnot.Trustme.Mylastcreationwounduplookinglikeadroppedpizza.”
She took a swallow of her wine. Alcohol coated her belly in soothing warmth and she took

anotherbigmouthful.

“IsthereanythingIcandotohelp?”sheasked.
“Youcansetthetableifyoulike—cutlery’sinthetopleftdrawerunderthecounterthere.Place

matsintheoneunderneath.”

Sheselectedtwosettingsandacoupleofplacematsandheadedtothelivingroom.Sheplaced

theknivesandforkscarefullyonthepolishedtable,marvelingatallthelittleinsightsshewasgaining
intoEthantonight,thingsshe’dnevereventhoughtabout—thefactthathecooked,thathecamehome
tothisvieweverynight,thathelikedmodernart.Thatheownedplacemats—severaltypes!—ofall
things.

Thekitchenwasrichwiththesmelloffreshmintandlemonswhenshereturned.Abutterflied

lambroastwasrestingonthecuttingboardandEthanwasbusydoingsomethingwiththejuicesinthe
pan.

“What’sthatyou’redoing?”sheasked,elbowsproppedonthecounter.
“Making the sauce. Have to skim off the surface fat first so we don’t have coronaries before

dessert.”

“Ah.”
“Letmeguess—youthoughtsaucecameinapacketfromthesupermarket,right?”
“No.Ithoughtsaucecameinaplastictubfromthetake-outplace.”
Hismouthquirkedupatthecorner.“Can’targuewiththatlogic.”
Heslicedthemeatnext,thenpulledatrayofbeautifullyroastedvegetablesfromtheoven.She

watchedasheplatedthemeal,addingsugarsnappeasandbabybroccoliatthelastminute.Hemadeit
all look so effortless, his long fingers working confidently. And perhaps it was, for him. All her
culinaryexperimentsendedwithswearingandpotbangingandtheinevitablehigh-pitchedchirrupof
thesmokealarmwhensheburnedsomething.Shesimplydidn’thavethepatience.

Nosurprisesthere,givenalltheyearsshe’dmadedinnerfortwoeverynight,weekin,weekout.

“Okay,we’rereadytogo.”
Hehandedheraplateandtheywalkedtothetable.
“Thislooksgreat.WillIshamemyselfevenmoreinyoureyesifIconfessthatthisisprobably

thebestmealI’vesatdowntoinmonths?”

“Youcouldn’tpossiblybemoreshamedinmyeyes,”Ethansaid,absolutelydeadpan.
“Well,IguessIaskedforthat,”shemurmuredunderherbreath.
Ethanlaughedquietly.Sheconcentratedonhermeal,slicingintothelamb.Shecouldfeelhim

watchingherasshetookherfirstbite.

“Oh,wow,”shesaid,hereyeswidening.“Thisisgood.Imean,really,reallygood.”
“Thanks.Enjoy,”hesaid,raisinghisglassinacasualtoast.
Hewaspleasedthatshelikedit,shecouldsee.He’dgonetoalotoftroubleforher.Fortonight.

Itgaveherafunnytickleinthepitofherstomachtothinkofhimplanningamealforher,wantingto
impressher.

Hewantsyoutohavehisbaby,Alex.Didn’twecovernotgettingcarriedawaywithanyofthis?
Shesatstraighterinherchair.Thebossy-britchesinherheadwasright—theywereherefora

purpose.Sheneededtokeepthattopofmind.

In accordance with her resolution, she took a big gulp of wine then cleared her throat. “So,

Ethan,areyourparentsstillalive?”

Itcameoutsoundingmuchmoreofficiousthanshe’dintended,asthoughshewasconductinga

jobinterview.

“Myfatheris.Momdiedtenyearsago.Emphysema.Smokedallherlife,andeventuallyitkilled

her.”

“I’msorry.”
“It was tough at the time, but Dad remarried last year and seems happier now.” He shrugged.

“Whataboutyou?”

“I don’t know about my father. I never knew him. My mother died when I was twenty.

Complicationsfromsurgery.”

“Twenty’syoungtoloseaparent.”
“There’snotreallyanygoodtime,though,isthere?”
“No.”
“Doyouhaveanybrothersandsisters?”sheasked.
“Abrother,Derek.He’syounger—thirty-nine—andmarriedwithtwokids,JamieandTim.How

aboutyou?”

“Nobrothersandsisters.”
“Ah.Spoiledonlychild.”
She thought about how she’d helped her mother dress every morning, the loads of washing

she’ddone,thehouseholdchores,andsmiledfaintly.“Somethinglikethat.”

Sheconcentratedonhermealforamoment,tryingtofindawaytoframehernextquestion.“So

Itakeittherearenomajorhealthissuesinthefamily…?”

Ethan put down his fork and regarded her with amused eyes. “Are you asking if there are any

geneticskeletonsinmyfamilycloset,Alex?”

“Yes,IguessIam.”
“Thentheanswerisno,notthatIknowof.Anyotherquestions?”
“Afew.”
“Well,hitmewiththem.”
“Youmusthavesomeofyourown,”shesaid.“Afew.”
Theyeyedeachotherforabeat,thenAlexandrareachedintoherpocketandpulledoutherlist.

Mightaswellbeupfront,sinceshe’dalreadyblunderedherwayintothisconversation.Anyway,this
waswhoshewas.She’dneverbeenthekindofwomanwhocameatthingssidewaysorindirectly.

Sheunfoldedthepages,smoothingthemflatbeforeplacingthemonthetableinfrontofEthan.

Shewaitedforhimtobalkorlaughbuthesimplyraisedhiseyebrows.

“Only two pages.” He stood and crossed to the coffee table, bending to access the shelf

underneath. When he returned to the table he was carrying a legal notepad. He slid it in front of
Alexandra.

“Irantothree.Butmyhandwritingismessierthanyours.”
Alexandrastaredathisquestionsrestingonthetablebesideherown,thenglancedupathim.His

eyesdancedwithamusementandtheyburstintolaughteratthesametime.

“Thisislikethatoldjoke.Howdoporcupinesmate?”shesaid.
“Idon’tthinkIknowthatone.Howdoporcupinesmate?”
“Verycarefully.”
Helaughed.“Notabadanalogy.”Heleanedforwardtocheckherlist.“Iseewe’rebeingcareful

aboutsomeofthesamethings.That’sagoodsign.”

“Doyouthink?”sheasked,suddenlyanxiousalloveragain.Shewantedthissobadly.
“Yeah, I do. Hit me with your next question.” He forked up a mouthful of food, watching her

expectantly.

Hiscalmacceptanceandopennesswentalongwaytoeasingthetensioninhershoulders.
“Whydon’twetaketurns?”shesuggested.
“Goodidea.”
Ashe’dnoted,therewasalotofcrossoverontheirlists.Theybothwantedtodiscussthecustody

arrangements, and they quickly agreed that it would be difficult for Ethan to have overnight visits
untilthebabystoppedbreast-feeding.Butafterthattheywouldbothlikethevisitationrightstobesplit
fifty-fifty.

“I’dliketotrytobreast-feedforatleastsixmonths,twelveifpossible,”shesaid.
“ThisisanareaIknownexttonothingabout,”Ethansaid.
“Well, me, too, to be honest. But my understanding is that breast-feeding is supposed to be

better,”shesaid.

ShecouldfeelherfacebecomingwarmandhopedthatEthanwouldblameitonthewine.She’d

neversatatadiningtableanddiscussedherbreastsbefore.Perhapsafterafewmonthsofnursingshe
wouldbeascasualaboutthemassomeofthewomenshesawinrestaurantsandcafés,butshewasn’t
thereyet.

Ethanraisedthesubjectofeducation,andhere,too,theyreadilyfoundcommonground.
“Private,”shesaidfirmly.“Thebestwecanfind.”
Heryearsatanunderfundedstateschoolwerestillvividinhermemory.Eventhoughshe’deyed

the“richkids”fromtheprivateschoolswithangryresentmentonthebus,she’dalwaysunderstood
thattheyweregettingaheadstartinlife.Shewantedherchildtohaveeveryopportunitypossible.

“Absolutely.IwenttoScotchCollege,butI’dpreferacoedschool,”hesaid.
They talked about sharing the workload and making allowances for their mutually busy

schedulesandhowtheywouldhandledifferencesofopinion.Overtwoglassesofwineandabowlof
the most sinfully rich chocolate mousse she’d ever tasted, Alex found herself relaxing more and
more.

It seemed the rapport they’d always enjoyed on the court and during their lunches extended

beyond the boundaries they’d set. She’d already known that Ethan was good at his job—he had a
reputationforbeingafair-mindedlitigator,alawyerwhoalwayslookedafterthebestinterestsofhis
clientsevenifitmeantbillingfewerhours—andshe’dknownthathewassmartandthathelistened

wellandhadagoodsenseofhumor.Andnowsheknewthattheysaweyetoeyeonmanyofthekey
issuesaroundparenting.

Shewassureotherissueswouldcropupalongtheway,problemsandsituationstheycouldn’t

evenconceiveofintheirchildlessstate.Butiftonightwasanythingtogoby,theycouldhandlethem.
The bottom line was that they were two intelligent adults with lots of common ground. Whatever
cametheirway,theywoulddealwithit.

They moved to the couches for coffee and chocolates. By mutual unspoken consent the

conversation shifted to other subjects, as though they both needed some breathing space while they
processedeverythingthey’dlearnedabouteachother.

AlextoldhimaboutherrecentholidaytoFranceandItalyandtheycomparednotesonFlorence

and Rome. Ethan pulled out a book he’d bought on the architecture of Venice and they pored over
stunningphotographsofbasilicasandpiazzasandpalaces.

“Tellmeaboutyourchildhood,”heaskedassheclosedthebook.
Sheleanedforwardandreturnedthebooktohiscoffeetable.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Theusual.Wereyouhappy?Wereyoulonely,beinganonlychild?Whatwasyourchildhood

like?”

Sheshiftedonthecouch.Shedidn’tliketalkingaboutherchildhood.Peopletendedtobecome

uncomfortablewhensheexplainedabouthermotherandtheaccident.Theydidn’tknowwhattosay
ortheytriedtopaintherassomekindofalong-sufferingsaint.ButEthanmightbethefatherofher
child,soshehadtobepreparedtoofferuphertruths.

“Mychildhoodwasprettytypical,really.Momwasonherown,soweweren’texactlyrich.But

wegotby.Shewasalwaysprettycreativewithpresentsandmakingmoneygoalongway.”

Shesmiled,rememberinghowmuchshe’dlongedforsomethingnew—anything!—becauseher

motherboughtallherclothesfromthethriftshop.Bythetimehermotherwasfinishedalteringor
embellishing them they were unique and special but Alex had always craved clothes that had never
beenwornbyanyone,ever.Whenshe’dgottenherfirstrealjobaftergraduatingshe’dsavedupanest
egg,thenspentitallinanuncharacteristicsplurge,replacingeverythinginherwardrobeinonefell
swoop.Tothisdayshestillhadaweaknessforthepristinefreshnessofnewclothes.

“Whatdidyourmomdo?”
“Sheworkedatadrycleaners.Shedidtherepairsandalterationsandmanagedthefrontdesk.I

usedtogothereafterschoolanddomyhomework.”

She couldn’t smell dry-cleaning fluid without thinking of that milk crate in the corner where

she’dsatandreadherbooksandpuzzledoverherhomework.Hermomusedtoquizheronhertimes
tablesbetweencustomers.

“Shewasagoodmother.IhopeIcanbehalfasgoodasher,”Alexsaid.
“Soyoudidn’tgothroughthemandatorystageofhatingherwhenyouwereateenager?”
Herewego.
“Notreally.”Shetookadeepbreath.“MymomhadacaraccidentwhenIwastwelve.Shewasa

passenger,butshewasn’twearingherseatbeltandshewentthroughthewindshield.Shefracturedher
skullandforawhiletheretheythoughtshewasgoingtodie.”

Ethanwaswatchingherintentlyandshewasgratefulthathedidn’tinterrupt.
“Shepulledthrough,though.”Shereachedforoneofthecushions,restingitinherlap.Likethe

restofEthan’sthingsithadclean,stronglinesbutthefabrichadapleasingnapandsheranherhand
overitafewtimesbeforemakingeyecontactwithhim.“Shewasdifferentafterward.Shecouldn’t
remember things, she cried for no reason. She couldn’t count past ten and sometimes she’d have
troublefindingtherightwordforwhatshewantedtosay.IfIdidn’tkeepaneyeonher,she’dtryto
cookandputanemptypotonthestove.Orleavethefridgedooropen.Orgooutandleaveallthe

doorsandwindowsopen.”

“Soyouwoundupbeingthemother,”Ethanguessed.
“Someonehadtodoit.Andshewasstillveryloving.Shewasstillmymom.”Shesmoothedher

handacrossthecushionagain.

“Didyouhaveanyhelp?”
“Oh,yes,”shesaiddrily.“Socialserviceswereawesome.Theywantedtoputmeinahomeand

institutionalize Mom. Fortunately I was nearly sixteen by the time they started getting really
aggressiveandIwasabletoproveIcouldlookafterbothofus.”

“Yousaidshediedinhospital?”
“Yes. She was having headaches and they found some scar tissue on her brain they wanted to

remove.Shehadaheartattackcomingoutoftheanesthetic.”

“Soyoudustedyourselfoffandputyourselfthroughlawschool?”
Shenodded.“Notexactlythecheeriesttale,Iknow.Butnottheworst,either.LikeIsaid,shewas

agreatmom.”

“Soundslikeyouwereaprettygoodmom,too.”
Shethoughtaboutit.“Iwasokay.Iusedtogetangrywithhersometimes.Andresentful.”
“ThankGod.Iwasbeginningtofeelreallyinadequate.”
Shelaughed.
“Youwantanothercoffee?”Ethanasked.
Shelookedathim.She’dexpectedhimtoprobemore,perhapsmouthsomeplatitudesabouthow

harditmusthavebeen.Instead,hewasofferinghermorecoffee.

Heraisedhiseyebrows.“What?”
“Nothing.It’sjustyou’rethefirstpersonwhodidn’twanttoturnitintoAngela’sAshes.”
“Really?Youhavefriendswhoarestupidenoughtothinkyouwanttheirpity?”
Shelaughed.Apparentlyheknewherbetterthanshethoughthedid.
“Believeitornot,yes.”
“Obviouslythey’veneverbeenpoundedbyyouontheracquetballcourt.”
Shelaughedagain.
“Sowasthatayestocoffee?”
“I’llbeupallnightifIdo.Butthanks,”shesaid.
Theybothfellsilent.SheglancedatthetimeonhisDVDplayerandblinkedwhenshesawitwas

pastoneinthemorning.

Wow.Howhadthathappened?
“Ishouldreallygetgoing,”shesaid,unfoldingherlegsfromthecouchandsearchingforher

shoeswithhertoes.

“Sure.”
Therewasanewtensionintheroomasshepulledonhershoesandstood.Ethanstood,too.
“Thanksfortonight.Andthanksforbeingsoopentoallmyquestions,”shesaid.
For some reason she didn’t know what to do with her hands. She settled for clasping them

looselyatherwaist.

“Ditto.”
“Doyoufeellikethere’sanythingelsethatweshouldcover?Anythingelseyouneedtoknow?”

sheasked.

“No.Doyou?”
Shelookedathim,watchinghersocarefully.Didsheneedtoknowanythingmore?
Probably.Butshefeltsheknewtheimportantthings.Hewasaniceman.Surprising,giventhe

invitationtobenot-so-nicethatMotherNaturehadhandedhimwhenshegavehimthatfaceandthat

body.Shethoughthewouldmakeagoodandlovingfather.Andthattheywouldfindawaytopull
together,nomatterwhatcametheirway.

“I think we should do this.” Her voice sounded very firm, very sure, even though she was

quiveringinside.

ThetightlookleftEthan’sface.“Yeah?”
“Yes.Ithinkthatbetweenuswecouldbedecentparents.”
“Absolutely.”
Hewasgrinningandshecouldn’thelpsmilinginresponse.She’dmadetherightdecision.She

couldfeelitinhergut.

“So,whatnext?”heasked.
“I’vegotmyfirstsessionwiththeclinicnextweek.There’samandatorycounselingsessionand

someteststheyneedtodo.Thenit’ssimplyamatterofwaitinguntilIovulateagain.”

“Right.Anyideawhenthatmightbe?”
“Fourweeksorso.Giveortake.”
“Fourweeks.Okay.I’llmakesureI’vegotsomecleardaysinmydiary.”
Ethanfollowedhertothedoor.Nowthatthedecisionwasmadeandtheywereabouttoembark

onthiscrazy,wonderfuljourneytogether,shedidn’tknowwhattosaytohim.

“Thanksforthemeal.I’doffertoreturnthefavorbutI’mguessingyou’renotafanofcharcoal.

ButmaybeIcouldmanagecheeseontoastandsometwo-minutenoodles.AndIdialameantakeout,
too.”

“I’mgame,”hesaid.
“Spokenlikeatruesucker.”Shepalmedhercarkeys.“I’llseeyouonMonday.”
Sheturnedtogo.
“Alex.”
Hewaiteduntilshe’dturnedbackbeforereachingoutandpullingherintohisarms.
It was totally unexpected and for a second she didn’t know what to do as his arms tightened

aroundherandshefeltthehardwarmthofhischestagainstherbreasts.Thensheliftedherarmsand
returnedtheembrace,herhandsflatteningagainstthefirmplanesofhisback.

He smelled good—more of that sandalwood scent that she liked—and their knees knocked

togetherbriefly.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice gravelly with emotion. “I think we’re going to make a great

team,slowpoke.”

Then he released her, stepped back and it was over. She hoped like hell she didn’t look as

flusteredasshefelt.Shetoldherselfthatshesimplyhadn’tbeenexpectingtheclosecontact.

“Me,too,”shesaid.Thensheglancedoverhershouldertowardtheelevator.“I’dbettergo.”
Henodded.“Sure.”
Shetookastepbackward.“I’llseeyouonMonday.”
“Beforeyougo…”
Shestopped.“Yes?”
“It’smyeldestnephew’sbirthdaytomorrow.Ifwe’regoingtodothis,I’dreallylikeyoutomeet

myfamily.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t thought that far ahead but she realized he was right. He’d referenced his

brotherandhissister-in-lawafewtimestonight.Itwasobvioustheywereclose.“Well.I’mnotdoing
anythingapartfromcatchinguponwork.Asalways.Whattimeisit?”

“Midday.I’llswingbyandpickyouupifyoulike.”
“Okay.”Shefrowned.“Dotheyknow?Aboutanyofthis,Imean?”
“I talked it over with my brother before I talked to you. I think it’s safe to assume that Kay

knows,sincethey’rejoinedatthebrainandvariousotherbodyparts.”

“Huh.”
“Isthataproblem?”
“No.No,it’sfine.They’reyourfamily,right?Andifwehaveababy,thenyournephewswillbe

ourbaby’scousins.”AndnottellingEthan’srelativesabouttheirarrangementwouldmeanthey’dbe
sentencedtoalifetimeofliesandhalf-truths.

“ThatwasprettymuchwhatIfigured.”
“I’llseeyoutomorrow,then.”
She lifted her hand in a last goodbye and walked to the elevator. She waited until the doors

closedbeforesaggingagainstthewallandpressingherfaceintoherhands.

Shewasgoingtotryforababy.
Infourweeks’time.
WithEthanStone.
Itfeltsurrealandscaryandwonderfulandstrangeallatthesametime.Shepressedahandtoher

flatbelly,tryingtoimaginewhatitmightbeliketofeelababymovinginsideher.

Itwastoobigastretch,toofaroutsideherexperience.Butmaybeonedaysoonitwouldn’tbe.

CHAPTERSIX

LEXWASWAIT ING

outinfrontofherbuildingwhenEthanarrivedthefollowingday.Shewaswearing

jeans,sneakersandablacksweaterwithajade-greendufflecoat.Herhairwhippedaroundherfacein
thebreezeashegotoutofthecartoopenthepassengerdoorforher.

“I wasn’t sure what to get, but I figured that anything that runs on batteries and makes lots of

noiseisgood,right?”sheasked,andhesawshewascarryingagift.

“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“Akidonlyturnsnineonce.”
Shewasmuchshorterwithoutherheelsandhefoundhimselflookingatthecrownofherhead

assheslidintohiscar.Amazingthatsomuchgritcouldbecontainedinsuchasmallpackage.

He’dalwaysknownAlexwasastrongperson.Buthearingherstorylastnight,he’dbeenquietly

blownawaybywhatshe’dendured.Shewasasurvivor,therewasnodoubtaboutit.Atoughcookie.

Itexplainedalot,thatchildhoodofhers.Thewayshe’dfoughttoholdinhertearsthatnighton

theracquetballcourt.Thewayshewasalwayssoquicktoassurehimthatshedidn’tneedhishelpand
soslowtoconfide.Hebettearshadbeenararelyindulgedluxurywhenshewasgrowingup.Asfor
helpinghands—inAlex’sworld,they’dprobablybeenfewandfarbetween.

Was it any wonder she’d thrown herself at the problem of her ticking biological clock like a

SWAT team going through the door on a drug bust? She’d probably never backed down from a
challengeinherlife.

And yet there’d been that soft, vulnerable expression in her eyes last night when she’d been

talking about her mother. He wondered if she had any idea how expressive her face could be
sometimes.

He circled the car and got in. She was busy inspecting the interior, opening and closing

compartmentsandrunningherfingersovertheburledwalnutdash.

“Idon’tthinkI’vebeeninyourcarbefore.It’sprettynice—butdickcarsusuallyare.”
Hesmiled.Nowaywasherisingtosuchobviousbait.“DoIdetectalittlecarenvy,Dr.Freud?”
“Notatall.NotwhenIknowhowmuchit’sgoingtohurtyoutohavetopartwithit.”
“I’mnotgettingridoftheAstonMartin.”He’dworkedhardforthiscar.Lustedafteritformany,

manyyears.

“Can’tputababyseatinit,”shesaid.“Justsayin’.”
He turned and frowned at the tiny backseat. She was right. There was no way a baby capsule

wouldfitinhissleek,sexycar.

“Bummer,”Alexsaid.“Thisupholsteryissosoft.Iguessit’sItaliancalfskin,yeah?”
Shewasn’teventryingtohideherschadenfreude.
“IfyouthinkI’mtradingthisinforaboxyVolvolikeyours,you’vegotanotherthinkcoming,”

hesaid.“I’lljustbuyasecondcar.”

“Goodplan.Yougottwoparkingspaceswhenyouboughtyourapartment,right?”
Helookedatherandknewthatsheknewhehadn’t.
“Smugnesssuitsyou,slowpoke,”hesaidashestartedtheengine.“Bringsoutthebrowninyour

eyes.”

Shelaughedoutrightthenandtheybanteredduringthetriptohisbrother ’splace.He’dphoned

Derekthismorningandwarnedhimhe’dbebringingAlexalong.He’dbelyingifhepretendedhe
wasn’talittlenervousabouthisbrotherandhisopinionatedsister-in-lawmeetingthewomanhewas
planning on donating sperm to. Not exactly your everyday situation, and he could think of about a
millionthingsthatcouldgowrong.

HeglancedacrossatAlex.Hewasconfidentshecouldholdherown,buthestillfeltprotective

ofher.Hewantedhisfamilytolikeher.Hewantedhertolikethem.

“Sogivemethehighlightsofyoursiblingrivalry,”shesaidashetrawledhisbrother ’scrowded

streetlookingforaparkingspot.

“Derek’stwoinchesshorter.Whenwewereonthesamefootballteaminourearlytwentieshe

outscoredmetwoseasonsinarow.”

“Ouch.How’dyouletthathappen?”
“Thanksforthesupport.”
Sheflashedhimabroadgrin.
“When he was the best man at my wedding, he lost the ring for a whole half hour before we

‘found’itdownthebackoftheseatinthelimo.”

“Noway!”
“Imadehimwaitforforty-fiveminutesuntilIcougheduphiswhenhemarriedKay.”
Alexhootedwithlaughter.“Youguysplayhard-ball.”
“Yeah.You’llfitrightin.”
Shegavehimadrylookbeforeopeningthecardoorandgettingout.Hegrabbedhisgiftfor

Jamie from the trunk and crossed the road. His brother ’s mailbox was decorated with a cluster of
balloons to mark the birthday house and even from the sidewalk they could hear the high-decibel
screamingofkidshavingagoodtime.

“Don’tworry.Yourearswillstopringingafteradayortwo,”hetoldherastheywalkedupthe

stairs.

“Goodtoknow.”
Shelookedalittleuncertainandhecaughtherfreehandinhisastheyenteredthehouse.
Sheglancedathim,startled,andheofferedherasmile.
“Courage,corporal.”
Shepulledaface.“Ifthatmakesyoumycaptainwe’reinbigtrouble.”
Butshedidn’tpullherhandaway.
Theywalkedintopandemonium.Thekitchenandlivingroomhadbeendecoratedwithballoons

and streamers and it looked as though every toy Tim and Jamie owned had been dragged out of
storageandflungaroundtheroom.Screamingandlaughingchildrenchasedeachotheraroundthe
furniture,theirfacespaintedtoresemblelionsandtigersandotherjungleanimals.Therewasmore
chaos outside where a queue had formed around what Ethan guessed was the highlight of Jamie’s
birthdaybooty—abrand-newtrampoline,completewithsafetypadsandnetting.

HescannedforDerekorKaybutcameupempty.
“Man.Youweren’tkiddingaboutthenoise,”Alexsaid,wincing.
“Let’sgooutside.Fewerhardsurfacesforthenoisetobounceoff.”
He’d barely set foot in the yard when Tim appeared out of nowhere and wrapped his arms

aroundhislegs.

“UncleEthan.Waituntilyouseethetramp’line.It’sawesome!”
“Itlooksprettyamazing.HasJamieletyouhaveabounceonityet?”
“HesaysIhavetowaituntilhe’sdrawnuparoster.”

“Aroster.Interesting.”HeglancedatAlex.“Tim,thisismyfriend,Alex.Youwanttosayhello?”
“Hi,Alex.Whydoyouhaveaboy’sname?”Timsaid.
Shelaughed.“It’sreallyAlexandra,butthat’sabitofamouthful,isn’tit?”
Ethan caught his brother ’s eye across the lawn where he was manning the barbecue. Derek

jerkedhisheadtowardAlexasiftoaskisthisher?Ethanrolledhiseyes.Whatdoyouthink,idiot?

Derekimmediatelyhandedthetongsovertosomeoneelseandmadehiswaytowardthem.
AlexwastalkingtoTimbutshelookedupwhenDerekjoinedthem.
“Derek,Alex,Alex,Derek,”Ethansaid.
AlexofferedherhandandDerekshookit.
“Nicetomeetyou,Alex.”HistonewasalittleontheneutralsideoffriendlybutEthancouldlive

withthat.Fornow.

“Goodtomeetyou,too.That’ssomefamilyresemblanceyouguyshavegotgoingon.”
“Niceofyoutosayso,butnoone’sgotapatchonPrettyBoyhere.”DerekclappedEthanonthe

shoulder.

“Pretty Boy?” Alex asked, eyebrows raised. A smile was lurking around her mouth. “Family

nickname?”

“No,”Ethansaid.
“Yes,”Dereksaid.
Ethanscowledathisbrother.
Derekgavehimhisbestinnocentface.“What?”
“You’llkeep.”
DerektookAlexbytheelbow.“ComeandmeetKay.”
BeforeEthancouldobject,DerekhadwhiskedAlexaway.Hewastemptedtogoafterthem,but

Timwantedtoshowhimsomethinginhisroom.Besides,Alexcouldtakecareofherself.

Still, he glanced over his shoulder as he followed Tim. He caught Alex glancing back at him.

Theireyeslockedandshesmiled.Hesmiledback.

Yeah,shecouldholdherown.

LEXFELTASTHOUGH

she’drunamarathon.Herfingerswerestickyfromeatingfairybreadandchocolate

crackles,shehadatomato-saucestainonherjeans,andshewasalmostcertainherbuttwascovered
withgrassstainsbutcouldn’tbebotheredgettinguptocheck.

Ethanhadanicefamily.Hisbrotherhadbeenalittlecoolatthebeginning,butAlexhadn’theld

itagainsthim.Afterall,hedidn’tknowherfromabarofsoapandwhatsheandEthanwereplanning
ondoingwasalittle…unconventionaltosaytheleast.Hiswife,however,hadwelcomedAlexlikea
long-lost friend and after ten minutes of shooting the breeze with the two of them she’d felt Derek
relax,whichhadinturnmeantthatshecouldletdownherguardalittle,too.

As for Ethan’s nephews… They were adorable. She knew that she was probably hormonally

chargedtofindanychildrenadorablerightnow,buttherewasnodenyingthatbothJamieandTim
were very engaging little guys. Their manners were terrific, and Tim in particular had a way with
wordsthatkeptherinstitches.Itdidn’thurtthattheybothhadblueeyesanddarkhairliketheirdad
andthatwhenshelookedatthemshecouldalmostseewhatEthan’schildmightlooklike.

SheglancedtowhereEthanwasplayingwithJamieonthetrampoline.Ethanhadtakenhisshoes

offandstrippedoffhissweatersothathewaswearingonlyhisjeansandaplainwhiteT-shirt.Hewas
holding Jamie’s hands, double bouncing his nephew to send him flying high in the sky. She wasn’t
surewhowasenjoyingtheexercisemore—thenine-year-oldbirthdayboyortheforty-two-year-old

familylawyerwiththehugegoofygrinonhisface.

Watching Ethan with his family had been a revelation. She’d seen him serious and intent in

partnermeetings.She’dseenhimcharmtheadminstaffinthekitchenette.She’dseenhimdetermined
andplayfulontheracquetballcourt.Butshe’dneverseenhimlaughsoeasilyorwholeheartedlyas
whenhewasstandingbythebarbecuehavingabeerwithhisbrother.She’dneverseenhiseyestake
onsomuchgentledepthaswhenhewasbendinghisheadtolistentosomethingoneofhisnephews
wastellinghim.She’dneverseenhimsomischievousand,yes,naughtyaswhenhewasteasinghis
sister-in-lawabouthernoodlesalad.

“He’sagoodman.”
AlexstartedasKaydroppedontothelawnbesideher,abigglassofwaterinhand.
“Alotofpeopledon’tseepastthatgorgeousfaceofhistothemanunderneath,buthe’soneof

thebestmenIknow.”Shetookamouthfulofwater.“Ofcourse,it’spossibleI’malittlebiased.”

Alexsmiled.“Ithinkfamily’ssupposedtobebiased.That’skindofthepoint.”
They were both silent a moment as they watched Ethan bounce Jamie then lift him on the

rebound.Jamie’ssquealsofdelightrangacrosstheyard.

“WewereprettyworriedabouthimforawhilethereafterCassieleft,”Kaysaid,nottakingher

gazeoffthetrampoline.“Heraskingforadivorcereallytookhimbysurprise.Shemessedhimup
big-time.”

Alexdidn’tknowwhattosay.PartofherfeltuncomfortabletalkingaboutEthanbehindhisback.

TherestofherwassuckingupeverybitofinformationKaywasthrowingherway.

“Hehasn’tsaidmuchabouthisdivorce,”shesaidcautiously.
Thatwasn’ttoogossipy,right?
“Hedoesn’ttalkaboutit.EventoDerek.Iknowhelikestocomeoffasaplayboy,butEthanis

thekindofguywholovesreallydeeply,youknow?Derek’sthesame.Oncetheyinvest,that’sitfor
them.EthaninvestedinCassieandsheburnedhim,bad.That’swhyIwassogladwhenIknewyou
werecomingtoday.He’sneverbroughtawomantomeetusbefore.”

Alexstirreduncomfortably.She’dbeenundertheimpressionthatKayknewallaboutthesperm

donationthing,butthewayshewastalkingsheseemedtothinkthatAlexandEthanwereacouple.

“EthanandIarejustfriends,really,”shesaidawkwardly.
Kayraisedhereyebrowsandtookanothermouthfulofwater.“Ofcourse.”
What could Alex say to that? Kay flitted off to resolve a dispute over a video game a few

minuteslaterandEthanjoinedherinstead.Hehadhisshoesandsocksinhandandwasstillgrinning
eartoearashestretchedhislonglegsoutbesideher.

“Prettyhardtofitoneofthosethingsonyourbalcony,”shesaid,deadpan.
“Yeah.Iknow.Iwasjustthinkingaboutthat.Kindofdangerousifyougotalittleroguedouble-

bounceactiongoing,too.It’salongdropfromthetenthfloor.”

“Absolutely.”
“PlusIthinkI’mtechnicallyovertheweightlimitforthatthing.”
“Butitwasgoodfun,”shesaid.
“Itwasbloodygoodfun.”
Heglancedatherandshelookedstraightintohiseyesandforamomentitwasonlythetwoof

them,sittinginthelate-afternoonsunwithgrass-stainedbacksidesandstickyfingers.

“You’vegotgrassinyourhair,”hesaid,andheleanedclosertopullitout.
Hisfingersbrushedhercheek,thenherneckashepluckedthegrassfromherhair.Suddenlyshe

feltbreathless.Hergazeskitteredfromhiseyestohismouthandgotstuckthereforamoment.

“Do you mind if we get going soon?” she said. “I’ve got some more work I need to get done

tonight.”

Ethansatbackandcheckedhiswatch.“Wecanheadoffinfiveminutesifyoulike.Justgivemea

chancetosaygoodbye.”

Hepulledonhisshoesandsocksandpushedhimselftohisfeet.Shewatchedasheenteredthe

houseinsearchofhisbrother.

He’saniceman.OneofthenicestmenIknow.
Hardnottoagree.Butshehadtorememberthathewasn’therman.Asmallbutveryimportant

fact.

“I

LIKEHER.

AwholelotmorethanIthoughtIwould,”DereksaidthemomentEthanpickedupthephone

laterthatevening.

Ethan reached for the remote to turn down the volume on the television. He’d come home to

watchfootballafterdroppingAlexoffatherplaceandwaslyingwithhisfeetuponthecouch.

“Phew.Hugerelief.ThankGod.”Ethandidn’tbotherhidingthesarcasminhisvoice.
“Ithoughtthewholeideaofhercomingtothepartywassowecouldgettoknowher.”
“So she could get to know you and run screaming for the hills before it was too late if she

neededto,”hecorrectedhisbrother.

“Anyway. She’s nice. I was expecting some shoulder-pad-wearing corporate ball-breaker, but

shewaslikeyousaid.Smart,funny.Normal.”

“I’msureshe’dbeveryflatteredtohearthatdescription.”
“Weshouldalldodinneronenight.Thefourofus.”
Ethansmiled.Couldn’thelphimself.Hisbrotherwasaboutassubtleasasledgehammer.
“We’renotdating,buddy.AndyouandKayneedtogetalife.”
“Tellmeyoudon’tthinkshe’shot.Idareyou.”
Ethanwasnothavingthisconversationwithhisbrother.Itwouldonlycreatefalseexpectations

that were never going to be fulfilled. Even if there had been that moment on the grass when he’d
lookedintoAlex’seyesandfeltanalmostoverwhelmingcompulsiontopresshislipsagainsthersto
see if she tasted as sweet and spicy as she looked. A moment of madness, obviously, and not
somethinghewasabouttosharewithhisbrother.

Hedeliberatelychangedthesubject,askinghowJamiewasaftertheexcitementoftheday.After

ashortpauseDerektookthecueandletthesubjectdrop.

Theytalkedforafewmoreminutes,thenKayropedDerekintoservicetohelpgettheboysto

bedandtheyendedthecall.

Ethanturnedupthesoundonthetelevisionbutfoundithardtostayfocusedonthegame.
He’dhadagooddaytoday.Thekidshadbeengreatfun,asalways,andasmuchashisbrother ’s

old-lady nagging ticked him off sometimes, he’d enjoyed his brother ’s company. And, yes, it had
beennicetoseeAlexlaughingwithKayorkneelingtotalktoTimorsittingwatchingthemayhem
withabigsmileonherface.Ithadbeengoodtoeatasausageonabunwithherandtoteaseherabout
her well-concealed sweet tooth when he caught her going back for seconds on the trifle. He’d
expectedittobealittleawkward,hadworriedthatmaybeDerek’sambivalenceaboutwhattheywere
doingwouldshowthrough,butAlexhadfitrightin.

Which boded well for the future. If the procedure was successful and Alex got pregnant, there

wouldbenoproblemswithhermixingwithhisfamilyatbirthdaysandChristmases.Ifshewantedto
doso,ofcourse.Therewasnoguaranteeofanyofthat,giventhenatureoftheiragreement.Butthe
optionwasthereifshewantedit.

Beforehecoulddouble-thinkit,hepickedupthephoneagainanddialedhernumber.

“Hello?”Shesoundedsleepy.
“It’s me. I didn’t wake you, did I?” He checked the time on his DVD player. It was a little past

eight.Surelyshehadn’tgonetobedthatearly?

“Ifellasleeponthecouch.Damn.”
“What’swrong?”
“MypenleakedonmyT-shirt.”
Helaughed,apicturefillinghismind:Alexstretchedoutonthehugeamber-coloredvelvetsofa

inherlivingroom,fastasleepwithpaperworkandpenrestingonherchest.

She’dinvitedhimupstairsforacoffeewhenhedroppedheroffandhe’dbeensurprisedbyher

apartment.Hewasn’tsurewhathe’dbeenexpectingbutitcertainlyhadn’tbeentheslightlycluttered,
veryeclectichomehe’dwalkedinto,decoratedwithantiquesandfloralcushionsandcolorfulthrow
rugs.

She’d been a little sheepish, explaining that she needed to have a bit of a clear out as he’d

inspectedhernoveltyteapotcollectionandtheclusterofmountedanimationcellsonherwall.

“Whatcolorpen?”heasked,reachingouttoflicktheTVoff.
“Red.Whatelse?”
“Asignfromthegodsthatyou’reworkingtoohard.”
“Yeah,well.”Shesighed.“What’sup?”
“Iwasthinkingthatweneedtodrawupthatco-parentingcontractwetalkedabout.”
“Yeah.Iwasthinkingthat,too.”
“HowaboutIdraftsomething,thenwecanpassitbackandforthuntilwegetitright?”
“Soundsgood.Don’tforgettobillmeforyourtime.”
“I’mexpensive,sobraceyourself.”
“Ihopeyou’reworthit.”
“Oh, I’m worth it. Rumor has it I’m very good.” He was grinning, balancing his ankle on his

drawn-upknee.

“Isthatafact?Howvery…modestofyou.”
“Modestyisoverrated.”
“Saystheegotist.”
He laughed and knew she was smiling on the other end of the phone, proud of herself for

puncturinghisego.

“Well.Onthatnote.I’llseeyoutomorrow,”hesaid.
“Retreating,PrettyBoy?That’snotlikeyou.”
“No,”hesaid,veryfirmly.
“Ibegyourpardon?”
“Youarenotappropriatingmyfamilynickname.”
“Whynot?Ilikeit.”
“Becauseitdrivesmenuts.”
“Isn’tthatthepointoffamilynicknames?”
“I’mforty-two.Derekcameupwiththatnametwenty-fiveyearsago.It’stimetomoveon.”
“Ah.Soit’stheboypartyouobjectto?You’dpreferPrettyMan?Icanworkwiththat.”
Hecouldhearthedelightinhervoiceassheteasedhim.
“Enjoyingyourself?”heasked.
“Oh,yes.”
“Goodnight,Alex.”
“Goodnight,PrettyMan.”
He’dknownshewouldn’tbeabletoresistgettingafinalshotin.TypicalAlex.

THANDRAFTED

aroughversionoftheiragreementthefollowingeveningandheandAlexhadpizzaat

herplaceafterracquetballtofine-tuneit.

They met again on Thursday for tweaks, and by the weekend had a document they were both

satisfiedwith.Itlaidouttheirresponsibilitiesandobligationsaswellastheirexpectations.Alexhad
wrangledwithhimalittleovermoney,insistingthatshedidn’tneedorwanthisfinancialsupport,but
he’dwonthedaybyremindingherthatthebeneficiaryofthearrangementwouldbetheirchild.She
couldhardlyarguewiththat.

HecombinedtheformalhandoveroftheirsignedagreementwithavisittotheIanPotterGallery

inthecity.He’dnoticedanadforacurrentexhibitionduringtheweekandheledAlexintothegallery
afterthey’dsignedanddatedtheiragreementintheadjacentcoffeeshop.

Hewatchedherfaceasshewalkedintothegalleryspace,enjoyingherpleasureanddelightas

shemarveledatthelatesteffortsbyAustralia’sforemostmosaicartists.

“Thisisamazing.Doyouknowhowmuchtimeittakestogetthisgradationofcolor?Andthe

wayshe’scutthetiles.Iwonderwhatshe’susingbecausethere’sareallynicebevelontheedges…”
Shehoveredbesidealargepiecebywell-knownMelbourneartistMirkaMora.

ThefollowingTuesdayshecaughthimgoingthroughthecarsectionofthedailypaperinhis

office, checking out what was available in the more family-friendly end of the market. Just out of
curiosity.Nosolidplansyet.Shedidn’tsayanything,butthenextdayhefoundasmallbrownparcel
sittinginthemiddleofhisdeskblotterwhenhearrivedatwork.Heopenedittorevealaminiature
versionofhisAstonMartin,accompaniedbyahandwrittennoteinAlex’sneatprint:

So you’ll always have an Aston Martin, if not the Aston Martin. And remember, size
doesn’tcount.

Toshowhertherewerenohardfeelings,hedrovehertothefertilitycliniconFridayforher

mandatorycounselingsession.Shewassubduedafterwardandhelefthertoherthoughtsforthebulk
ofthedrivehome.

Alex had mapped her ovulation cycle by now and they had a firm date fixed for the first

procedure—aThursday,twoweeksaway.

Hetriedtoputitoutofhismindandconcentrateonhiscurrentcases.Mostlyhewassuccessful

—he’d become a master at burying himself in work after the divorce—but he knew Alex was
becoming increasingly anxious as the date approached. They both had a lot riding on this. A lot of
hopeandexpectation.HetookhertoamovietheFridaybeforetheproceduretotrytotakehermind
offit,andthefollowingTuesdayheletherwinthefirstgameoftheirweeklymatch.

“Iknowwhatyou’redoing,PrettyMan,”shesaidasshewipedsweatfromherbrow.
“Doyou,slowpoke?”
“Don’tpandertome.Iwillnotbepandered.”
“I don’t know if you can stop it. I mean, the pandering is pretty much in the hands of the

panderer,unlessI’mmistaken.Thepanderee—that’syou,bytheway—hastogrinandbearit.”

“Really?”
She’dproceededtoplayherworstgameofracquetballever,sobadthatitwasalmostimpossible

forhimtoplayworse.Buthegaveithisbestshot.

Shewaslaughingsohardbythetimethey’dbattleditouttoseewhocouldlosethelastpointthat

shehadtositdownonthecourtandwipeherstreamingeyes.

Thenshegotbacktoherfeetandproceededtohammerhiminthethirdandfinalgame.Ablow

tohispointaverage,butworthittoseethesmileonherface.

Andthen,tooquickly,itseemedasthoughtimefoldedinonitselfanditwasWednesdaynight

andhewaspsychinghimselfupforthefollowingday.D-day—orB-dayasheandAlexhadjokingly
beencallingit.Hewaspickingherupattensotheycoulddrivetotheclinictogether.

If things went well, they would be making a baby. They being him and Alex and a team of

doctorsandnurses.

Helaidouthisclothesforthenextday,thentriedtosettlehimselfinfrontoftheTV.Nothing

appealed,andhepacedrestlesslyforafewminutesbeforegrabbinghiscarkeysandheadingoutthe
door.

The supermarket in nearby St. Kilda was lit with brutal fluorescent lighting and filled with

tinklingcannedmusic.Hecruisedtheaisles,throwingunsaltedbutter,brownsugar,eggsandvanilla
extractintohisshoppingbasket.He’dgohomeandmakeAlexsomefudgetofeedthatsweettoothof
hers.

He was heading for the liquor section in search of crème de cacao when he rounded a corner

and stopped in his tracks. A young couple stood at the other end of the aisle. She was heavily
pregnant,herhairpulledintoaponytail,herbabybumpcoveredbyafloraltop.Hewasstandingin
frontofher,bothhandspressedtoherbelly,herhandsrestingoverhis.Theywerestaringintoeach
other ’seyesastheyconcentratedonthemovementoftheirunbornchild.Shewassmilingandhehad
anexpressionmadeupofequalpartsprideandawe.

Itwasaveryprivatemoment,amomentbetweenlovers, and Ethan told himself to walk away.

Buthedidn’t.

Hewatchedasshelaughedandlookedatherbellyandsaidsomethingtoherpartner.Hemoved

his hand higher up her belly and his eyebrows shot toward his hairline. Then he laughed, too, and
leanedforwardtokissher.

TheyregisteredEthanwatchingthenandhejerkedhisgazeaway,feelingeverybitthevoyeurhe

was.

“Sorry,mate,firstbaby,”theguycalledafterhimcheerfullyasEthanturnedway.
Heliftedhishandtosignalhehadn’tbeenoffended.
Farfromit.
Heboughthisgroceriesbutwhenhegothomehedidn’tmakefudge.
Insteadhewentoutontothebalcony.Itwascoldandhe’ddumpedhiscoatwhenhewalkedinthe

door,buthestoodattherailingandlookedatthecityanyway.

He watched the cars race up and down. He watched the bats flying to their usual haunt in the

BotanicalGardens.Hewatchedatrampulltoastopandreleaseafloodofpassengers.

So many people—old, young, middle-aged, rich, poor, gay, straight. Who were they going

hometotonight?Husbands?Wives?Boyfriends?Girlfriends?Brothers?Sisters?Housemates?

Heturnedhisbackontheviewandcrossedhisarmsoverhischest,staringintohisapartment.

He could see his couches and his artwork. The profile of his big-screen TV. All the stuff he’d
surroundedhimselfwithsincethedivorce.Allthedistractions,theconsolationshe’dboughttomake
upforthethingshe’dresignedhimselftomissingouton.

He closed his eyes and saw that moment in the supermarket again—her big belly, his hands

spreadwide,herspressedontopofhis.Thedelightandhopeandexcitementintheirfaces.Thelove.
Theywereabouttoembarkonahugeadventuretogether.

Together.
No matter what contract Ethan and Alex negotiated, they would never be able to capture that

dynamic.Therewouldbenomomentsofsharedjoyandloveforthem.

That’sthewayyouwantit.Remember?
His arms were covered with gooseflesh. He pushed away from the railing and entered the

apartment.HewaspickingupAlexatseventhenextmorning.

Heflickedoffthelivingroomlightandwenttobed.

LEX SLEPT BADLY

. She was too wired, her mind too full to tune out enough to let her drift off, even

though she really, really wanted to sleep. She wanted to be fresh for tomorrow. Ready to face the
doctorsandnursesandallthehooplaofherfirstprocedure.

Shefinallygaveuponsleepandmadeherselfbreakfastwhileitwasstilldarkout.Onceshe’d

made it she didn’t want it, and she pushed the toast around her plate for fifteen minutes before
throwingitinthegarbage.So,nosleepandnoappetite—agreatstarttowhatmightbethebiggestday
ofherlife.

She showered and dressed and made sure she had everything she needed—all her medical

reportsandpaperwork,importantphonenumbers,alistofquestionsshe’dthoughtofsinceherlast
visit…

Sheglanceduncertainlytowardthepileofmagazinesandprintoutsshe’dstackedneatlyonher

coffee table, ready for Ethan’s arrival. Then she glanced away again and killed the remaining time
untilEthan’sarrivaldoinglaundryandcleaning.Theclosersevencame,themoretenseshebecame.
Herstomachwaschurningandshecouldfeelherheartbeatkickingagainstherbreastbone.

It’sonlyadrenaline.You’reexcited.It’sperfectlynatural.
Itdidn’tfeellikeexcitement,though.
She almost leaped out of her skin when the intercom buzzed. She took a deep breath, then

crossedtotheunitandpressedthebutton.

“Hi.Comeonup.”
Sheopenedherfrontdoor.Theelevatorwasslow,soitwouldtakehimawhiletoascendtoher

level.Sheslippedherthumbintohermouthandtoreatherthumbnailwhileshewaited.Shesnatched
herthumbfromhermouththemomentsheregisteredwhatshewasdoingandslidherhandintothe
pocketofherjeans.Shehadn’tbittenhernailssinceshewasinlawschool.Itwasoneofthethings
she’dleftbehindwhenshegraduated.Noonewantedtohirealawyerwithchewed-uphands.

Sheheardthemechanicalgroanoftheelevatorarrivingatherfloor,thenthedoorsopenedand

Ethansteppedoutintothehall.

Hestrodetowardher,perfectasalwaysinasoft-lookingblackV-necksweateranddarkdenim

jeans.

“Hi,”shesaid.
“Hi.Didyousleepokay?”
Shewrinkledhernosetoindicateithadn’tbeenagreatnight,thensteppedbacktoallowhimto

enterherapartment.Hebrushedpasther,trailingthewarmscentofsandalwood.

“Thisisnew.”
Shejoinedhiminherlivingroomwherehewasrunninghishandovertheagedoakmarquetry

ofhernewFrencharmoire.She’dboughtitontheweekend,moreforsomethingtodothanbecause
sheneededanotherpieceoflargefurnitureinheralreadyfullapartment.

“Genuine?”heasked.
“God, I hope so, after what I paid,” she said. She smoothed her hands down the sides of her

jeans. “Would you like a coffee? I thought we could go over the procedure again before we hit the

road,sowe’rebothfamiliarwitheverything….”

“Sure.”
Hefollowedherintothekitchenandleanedahipagainstthecounterwhileshegroundbeansand

warmeduphercoffeemachine.

“Andyousayyoucan’tcook.”
Sheforcedasmile.God,whywasshesonervous?Shefeltsickwithit.Asthoughallherinternal

organswerevibratingwithanxiety.

“Love my coffee. It’s my one vice. No, that’s not true, I have two vices—coffee and antiques.

Which is pretty funny, really, because when I graduated from law school and got my first decent
paycheck,allIwantedwasneweverything.Shiny,spanking-newstuffwiththepricetagsstillattached.
Asforthecoffeething,Icanhardlyboilaneggwithoutclosesupervision,butforsomereasonIhave
allthepatienceandskillintheworldforcoffee.”

Shewastalkingtoofast.Sheforcedherselftoconcentrateonthesmalltaskofspooningcoffee

intothebasketandtampingitfirmly.

“Espresso?Latte?Cappuccino?”sheaskedwithoutlookingup.
“Espresso,thanks.”
She nodded. Just as well he hadn’t asked for a cappuccino—she didn’t trust herself with the

steamingwandrightnow.

“Therewego,”shesaidaminutelater,slidinghiscoffeeacrossthecountertowardhim.“Smells

fantastic.”

“Yep.Nothinglikethesmelloffreshcoffee.”Shetookadeepbreath.“So,shallwesitandhavea

lastlookatthestufftheclinicsent?”

Hegesturedforhertoprecedehimintothelivingroomandtheysankontoacoucheach,facing

eachotheracrosshercoffeetable.

She slid the pile of papers and magazines toward herself and sorted through them until she’d

foundthetwocopiesoftheoutlineoftheproceduretheclinichadprovided.Sheslidoneacrossthe
tabletowardEthanandstartedreviewingherown,eventhoughshe’dreaditadozentimesalready.

Once she got to the clinic, she would be taken into a treatment room and readied for the

procedure. She’d be dressed in a hospital gown and placed in stirrups, and a soft plastic catheter
would be introduced into her vagina to deliver the sperm directly to her uterus through her cervix.
Ethan, meanwhile, would be handed a cup and left alone to produce a sample of semen. His semen
would then be taken away and “washed” in the laboratory to remove any dead sperm and harmful
chemicalsthatmightinterferewiththeprocessofconception.Oncethemostactiveandmotilesperm
hadbeenselected,theywouldbeintroducedtoheruterusviathecatheter.Afterafewminutes’rest,
sheandEthanwouldthenleavetheclinic.Intotal,thewholethingwouldtakeunderanhour,andin
twoweeks’timetheycouldperformtheirfirstpregnancytest.

SheglancedatEthanandsawthathewasfrowningasheread.
“Istheresomethingwrong?”sheasked.
“No.”
Shewasn’tsureifhewascoveringornot.“Ifthere’saproblem,weshouldprobablytalkabout

it.”

“Noproblem.Iguessit’sjusthitmethatwe’rereallydoingthis.”
“Yes.”
She dropped her gaze to the magazines stacked beneath her other paperwork. They’d seemed

likeagoodidealastnight.Butmaybehe’dalreadycoveredthatendofthings.

For Pete’s sake, now is hardly the time to be squeamish. Offer him the magazines, and if he

doesn’twantthem,it’snobigdeal.

“Listen.Ididn’tknowwhatyouwantedtodoabout…Ithoughttheclinicmighthavesomestuff,

butIwasn’tsure.Anyway,Iboughttheseforyoulastnight.Iwasn’tsurewhatyouliked,soIgotyou
alittlebitofeverything….”

Sheslidthemagazinesfrombeneaththeotherpapersandpushedthemacrossthetabletoward

him.EthanglancedatthecoverofPlayboy,hisexpressioncompletelyunreadable.“There’saHustler
there,too,andanotheronewithcarsandwomenwithbig—Well,likeIsaid.Iwasn’tsurewhatyou
wereinto.”

TherewasasmileplayingaroundEthan’smouthwhenshefinallyralliedthecouragetolookat

him.“You’relaughingatme,aren’tyou?Iknewthemagazineswereabadidea.”

“They’reaverythoughtfulgift.ButIthinkIcanmanageonmyown.”
Shecouldfeelherselfblushingbutshewasdeterminedtocoverthisissue.“You’renotworried

about…performingondemand?”

“IthinkI’vehadenoughpracticetogetitright,”hesaid,verydry.
“Right.Still,it’snotexactlyanidealsituation,isit?”
“Foryou,either.Nowineandrosesorsoftmusicinthetreatmentroom.”
“No.”
Instead, there would be a hospital gown that didn’t close properly at the back and people with

surgicalmasksontheirfacesandthesmellofantisepticandherlegsinstirrups.Theconceptionof
herchildwouldbeamedicalevent,nottheactofloveandintimacyAlexhadalwaysimagined.There
wouldbenolyinginherlover ’sarmsafterward,imaginingthebabythatmightresult.Therewould
onlybeEthansittinginthewaitingroom.Andwhilethatwasahellofalotmorethanshe’dhopedfor
atthebeginningofthisprocess,itwasstillafarcryfromhowshe’ddreamedofhavingherchild.

She’dbeenshortchangedsomanythingsinlife.Afather.Amother,inmanyrespects.Shefeltas

thoughshe’dbeenfightingandmakingcompromisesfromthemomentshewasborn.Andnowthere
wasthis,theultimatecompromise.Themakingofachildwithoutloveorpassionorevenphysical
gratification.

So what? You’re just going to have to suck it up. The way you’ve always sucked it up. Do you

wantthisornot?Doyou?

Shesqueezedhereyesshut,fightingboththetearsandtheunderstandingrisinginsideher.
“Alex.”ThecouchdepressedbesideherasEthanjoinedher.“Talktome.What’sgoingon?”
Shesuckedinabreathbutitwashardtogetitpastthewordschokingherthroat.“Idon’tthinkI

candothis.”

Themomentthewordswereoutofhermouthshefeltbothenormousreliefandterriblegrief.

How long had she been hiding this truth from herself? Weeks? Days? She’d been so determined to
steamrollerherwayovereverything,includingherownqualmsandconcerns.Sodeterminednotto
missout,atanycost.

She’dallowedherselftobeseducedintoafalsesenseofintimacyandtogethernesswithEthan.

She’dsharedherthoughtsandfeelingswithhimandmadejokesabouthimhavingtogetanewcar
and watched him with his nephews and allowed herself to believe that when she had her baby it
wouldn’tbethatdifferentfromwhatshe’dalwayswanted.

Andshe’dbeenwrong.Sowrongandstupidanddesperate.
ShepressedahandtohersternumandforcedherselftolookatEthan.She’dstartedthisjourney.

Offeredhimachancehedidn’tthinkhe’deverhave.He’dsteppeduptohelpher.Andnowshewas
renegingonherendofthebargain.Coppingout.

“I’msosorry.IthoughtIwasokay,thatI’dreconciledmyselftodoingitthisway.ButI…It’sso

clinical.So…cold.IfI’dtriedtogetpregnantthenormalwayandmypartnerandIwantedtoexhaust
allavenuesthiswouldfeellikeagodsend…Butatthemomentitfeelslike—”

“Givingup.”
SheglancedatEthanthroughswimmingeyes.“Yes.Iwanttobeamothersomuch—butnotlike

this.MaybethatmeansIdon’twantitenough.Idon’tknow.Ijustknowthatthisfeelswrong.”

Hereachedforhertightlyclaspedhands.“It’sokay,”hesaid.Hewrappedhishandsaroundhers,

thepressurewarmandfirm.

“No,it’snot.YoucametomewiththisincrediblygenerousofferandnowI’mwimpingoutand

leavingyouhighanddry—”

“Alex,it’sokay.Iwashavingsecondthoughts,too.”
Shedashedthetearsfromhercheekwithafistedhand.
“You don’t have to say that to try to make me feel better. You’re allowed to be angry and

disappointed. You can even yell at me if you think it would make you feel better. Hell, you could
probablyevensuemeforbreachofcontract.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel better. I saw something last night that got me thinking, and

readingovertheprocedurethismorning…Idon’tknow.Standingaloneinacubiclewithanempty
cupandamagazineisn’tthewayI’vealwaysimaginedbecomingafather.”

Hergazesearchedhisface.“Soit’snotjustme,then?Thisfeelswrong?”
“It’snotjustyou.”Hesqueezedherhandsthenreleasedhisgrip.“Intheory,thisseemedlikea

solution.ButIguesswe’rebothalittlelesshardheadedthanweimagined.”

Hewasbeinghonest.Hefeltthesameway—thiswasonecompromisetoomany.Shecouldseeit

inhiseyes,hearitinhisvoice.

“God.”
She put her head in her hands. She was relieved that he wasn’t angry, that she wasn’t alone in

balkingatthelasthurdle.Itwouldhavebeenterribleifhe’dfeltripped-offormisledorcheated.

Butnoneofthatstoppedherfromfeelingdisappointed.Therewouldbenobaby.Thepastfew

weeksofplanninganddiscussionsandexcitementhadbeenfornothing.Attheendoftheday,neither
ofthemwere…what?Ruthlessenough?Determinedenough?Whatever.Neitherofthemwasprepared
tosacrificeapartofthemselvesforthedreamofbeingaparent.Havingachildwasn’tanat-any-cost
proposition,notforherorforhim.

“Ineedtocalltheclinic,”shesaidafteramoment.“Canceleverything.”
“Icandothat,ifyoulike.”
“No,I’lldoit.Istartedthisthing.”Shepushedherselftoherfeetandlookeddownathim.“I’m

sosorryyougotcaughtupinmybabycrisis,Ethan.IfI’dstucktomyoriginalplanandusedasperm
bank,theonlyonefeelinglikecraprightnowwouldbeme.”

“Webothwentalongforthisride.Andyoumighthavehadsecondandthirdthoughtsweeksago

ifIhadn’tbeenhere,cheeringyouonfromthesidelines.”

Heofferedhertheghostofasmile.Sheleaneddownimpulsivelyandwrappedherarmaround

hisneck,pressinghercheckagainsthisinaone-armedbutstillfiercehug.

“You’reagoodman.Agoodfriend,”shesaid.
Itwasthefirsttimeshe’dinitiatedcontactbetweenthem.Shewasawareoftheraspofhisbeard

againstherfaceandthesoftnessofhishairbrushingagainstherfingers.Hisarmsclosedaroundher
inresponse.

“You’reagoodwoman.Anddon’tworry—it’llhappenforyou,Alex.Someluckybastardwill

comealongandrealizeyou’reawomaninamillionandit’llallfallintoplace.”

Shereleasedhimandafterasecond’shesitationhefollowedsuit.
“Idon’tknowifIshouldletmyselfbelieveinthosekindsofhappy-ever-afters.MaybeIshould

juststartcollectingcats,”shesaid.

“Alex—”

Sheheldupahand.“Yes,Iknow,I’manattractivewoman,I’vestillgottimeleft,yadayada.I

guessI’llhavetowaitandsee,won’tI,sinceseizingthedayhasn’treallyworkedoutforme.”

Shepushedherhairawayherforehead.
“Now,beforeIgetoutmyviolin,I’llmakethatcall.”
Shestaredoutherkitchenwindowwhileshewaitedforthecalltoconnect.Itoccurredtoherthat

they’d both taken the day off for nothing. She smiled grimly. Right now, wasted leave time was the
leastofherworries.

Thereceptionistattheclinicdidn’tsoundsurprisedwhenAlextoldhershewantedtocancelher

appointment.Perhapsthishappenedallthetime.Perhapsshewasoneofmanydesperatewomanwho
found they didn’t have the stomach to take the pragmatic route to motherhood when push came to
shove.

EthanwasbrowsingherCDcollectionwhenshecameback.Shestoodinthedoorwaywatching

himunnoticedforafewseconds.Hewasagoodfriend.Areallydecentman.Nowthatshe’dgottento
knowhim—reallyknowhim—shecouldseepasthisbeautifulfacetothemanunderneath.Hewould
have made a great father. She found it hard to believe that he planned to spend the rest of his life
alone.Shehopedthatwhateveritwasthatwasholdinghimbackresolveditselfforhim.Hedeserved
better.

Heglancedup.“Alldone?”
“Alldone.”
Therewasashortsilence,thenhepulledaCDwithabrightpinkcoverfromhershelf.
“CyndiLauper.There’saguiltysecret.”
“HandsoffCyndi.She’sveryretrocool.”
Heraisedhiseyebrows.“That’sdrawingalongbow.”
“Saysthemanwithnotone,nottwo,butthreeBarryWhitealbums,”shesaid.
“Theywereagaggiftfrommybrother.”
“Suretheywere.”
“Don’tgettoohighandmightyonme,lady-who-owns-NanaMouskouri’s-greatest-hits.”
HepluckedtheCDfromherbookshelfwithagotchaflourish.
“Yeah,well.Theyweredoingaretrospectiveontheradio.Igotcarriedaway—”
“Atleastyouhavethecouragetoadmityourmistake,”hesaidsagely.
She opened her mouth to say something sassy back, but suddenly her throat and chest were

achingandsheknewtearswerenotfaraway.

She cleared her throat. “Listen, I’ve got a few things I need to take care of. Loose ends and

whatnot.Youknow.”

“Right.Ishouldgo,then.”
Yes,pleasego.BeforeIblubberalloveryou.BeforeIloseitcompletely.
“Ifyoudon’tmind.Imightaswellmakeuseofthedayofftogetsomethingdone.”
His expression was unreadable as he replaced her CDs on the shelves then collected his coat

fromthebackofhercouch.Shefollowedhimtothefrontdoor.Tenmoresecondsandhewouldbe
goneandshewouldbealoneanditwouldn’tmatterifshehowledhereyesout.

“Listen.Ifyouneedtotalk,callme,okay?”Ethansaidashereachedthedoorstep.
“Sure.ButI’mfine,really,”shelied.
Hisgazesearchedherface,thenhenodded.“Okay.”
She waited until he’d reached the elevator before she shut the door. Then she walked into her

livingroomandstaredatallthefertility-clinicpaperworkandthosedamnedstupidmens’magazines
she’dboughtforEthan.

Thewanting-to-cryfeelinghitheragainandsheclosedhereyes.

Allright,youbigsook.Getitoveranddonewith.Becausethisistheonlychanceyou’regoingto

gettowallowinthis.

Shewaitedforthetearstocome.Herthroatgottight.Herchestached.Shegrippedthecouch—

buthereyesremainedsteadfastlydry.

Okay.
Okay.
Moving slowly and carefully, she did a circuit of her apartment, collecting anything and

everything to do with the fertility clinic and pregnancy and babies. She dumped the paperwork in a
carton, to be taken down to the Dumpster in the basement next time she left the apartment. She
hesitatedoverthrowingthepregnancybooksin.

Shewasstillonlythirty-eight,afterall.
Hopespringseternal.
She wavered for half a second more. Then she dropped the books into the carton. She didn’t

wantanythinghangingaroundtoremindherofthisdebacle.Itwouldbebadenoughhavingtoface
Ethanatworkeverydaywiththememoryofallofthissittingbetweenthem.

Shepushedthecartonclosetothefrontdoorsoshewouldn’tforgetitwhenshewentout.The

sooneritwasgone,thebetter.

Thenshereturnedtoherlivingroom,satonhercouchandburstintonoisy,messytears.

CHAPTERSEVEN

HE’D KICKED HIM OUT.

Amazing that after everything that had gone down this morning, the thing he

couldn’tgetpastwasthatAlexhadn’twantedhimaroundoncethey’dmadethemutualdecisionnotto
gothroughwiththeirplans.She’dbeendisappointed,onthevergeoftears,andshehadn’twantedhim
to witness her moment of weakness. Because that was how Alex saw emotion and tears—as a
weakness.Afollytobeenduredthenbrushedasideandignored.Heknewenoughabouthernowto
understandthat.

Ifshe’dlethimstay,ifshe’dcriedinfrontofhim,hewouldhavetoldherthattearsdidn’tmake

herlessstrongorlesscapable.Hewouldhaveheldherandtalkedtoherandtogethertheymighthave
madesenseoftherollercoasterridethey’dtakenoverthepastfewweeks.

Instead,she’dkickedhimoutandhewasmakingbreadateleveninthemorning,takingouthis

frustration and, yes, disappointment on the mass of dough under his hands. Because he was
disappointed,eventhoughheknewthey’dmadetherightdecision.Forashortwhilehe’dconvinced
himselfthathe’dfoundawaytohavewhathewantedwithoutthemessandentanglementsandriskof
arelationship.Ithadseemedliketheperfectsolution.Thenrealityhadintruded.

Hewantedmorefromparenthood.AndsodidAlex.Whenpushcametoshove,neitherofthem

wantedtocompromise.

Which left him…nowhere. His feelings hadn’t changed regarding marriage. And he’d rejected

thealternateroutetoparenthood.Allofwhichmeantthatitreallywasoverforhim.

Hewasnevergoingtobeafather.
Mightaswellletthefactseepintohisbones,permanentlythistime.He’dhavetomakedowith

hisbrother ’schildren,bethebestunclehecouldbe.

Itwasn’ttheendoftheworld.Disheartening,yes,buthe’dgetoverit.Acceptit.Moveon.After

all,hehadaprettygoodlife.

Thedoughhadlostitselasticity.He’dover-kneadedit.Hestaredatitforalong,silentminute.

Thenhegatheredthebig,flourylumpanddroppeditintherubbishbin.

HisthoughtsshiftedtoAlexagainashestartedcleaningthecounter.Hadsheallowedherselfto

cryoncehe’dleft?Hadsheallowedherselfevenasmallmomentofhumanityandfrailty?

Hedriedhishandsandglancedaroundhiskitchen.Heshouldgoforadrive.Ormaybecallhis

brother,seewhetherhewantedtohookupforlunch.Anythingotherthanhaunthisapartment,fixating
onAlexandwhathadalmostbeenbetweenthem.

Hepulledouthisphoneanddialed.Hisbrotherpickedupafterthesecondring.
“It’sme.Youfreeforlunch?”Ethansaid.
“Ithoughtyouhadanappointmentwithapapercuptoday.”
Ethangazedoutacrossthepark.“Wecanceledtheappointment.Youfreeornot?”
“Whocanceled?YouorAlex?”
“Itwasamutualdecision.”
“Whathappenedtowantingakid?”
Ethanclosedhiseyes.Whathadhebeenthinking,callinghisbrother?Hewasonlygoingtoget

thesamegriefhe’dbeengettingforthepastfiveyears.

“Youknowwhat,forgetIcalled.”Hestartedtohangup.
“Wait.I’msorry.Iwasn’thavingagoatyou.Iknowhowmuchyouwerebankingonthis.”
“Itwasacrazyidea.”
“Well,yeah.Butitwasastepintherightdirection.YouandAlexareclosernow.Youbothknow

whateachotherwants—”

“Derek.Iswear,you’vegotaone-trackmind.Willyoupleasegiveitarest?”
“Atleastbehonestwithyourself.Youhavefeelingsforher,andallthisstuffaboutababywas

yourwayoftryingtosmuggletheminundertheradar.”

Ethandidn’tsayanythingforalongmoment.“Itdoesn’tmatterhowIfeelaboutAlex.”
Evenifithadbeenalongtimesincehe’dthoughtofherassimplyafriend.
“Soyou’regoingtoletherwalkaway?”
EthanthoughtaboutwhatAlexwantedandwhathewanted.
“Yeah,Iam.”
“Bullshit.You’venevergivenuponanythingyouwantedinyourlife.”
Therewassomuchconfidenceinhisbrother ’svoice.HewassosurethatallEthanneededwas

tomeetagoodwomanandhe’dshrugoffeverythingthathadhappenedwithCassieandleapintothe
breachagain.

Derek didn’t understand. But how could he when he didn’t know the full story? He knew only

that Cassie had left, and that Ethan had not been interested in a reconciliation. They had never
discussedthedetailsbecauseEthanhadneverbeenabletorevealthefulldepthofhiswife’sbetrayal
andrejection.Heliterallyhadn’tbeenabletomakehimselfformthewords.

Thedayhe’dcomehomefromworkandfoundCassiewaitingforhimwasetchedlikeacidin

his memory. She’d given him no reasons or explanations or warnings, she’d simply severed their
marriageinthemostbrutalpossibleway.She’dsatthereandtoldhimshedidn’tlovehimanymore.
Thenshe’dtoldhimaboutthebaby.Andthenshe’dwalked,leavinghimtotrytomakesenseofwhat
remainedofhislife.

Foralongtime,therehadn’tbeenadaythatwentbywithouthimthinkingabouther,aboutwhat

hadgonewrongandhowhehadn’tseenitcoming.Hestilldidn’tunderstandhowhecouldhavebeen
sooutofstepwithher.Howhecouldhavesleptbesidehereverynightandnotknownthatshewas
quietlyopeningseparatebankaccountsandviewingapartmentssothatwhenshewalkedoutthedoor
shecouldstepstraightintohernewlife.Withouthim.

Ithadn’tbeenaperfectmarriage,butwhatmarriagewas?They’dhadtheirdifferencesandtheir

roughpatches.Buthe’dbelievedinher,trustedher,lovedherimplicitly.

Andshe’dshedhimlikeanoldskinandneverlookedback.
“Maybe we should have lunch another day,” Ethan said. “I’ll call you on the weekend or

something,okay?”

Heendedthecallbeforehisbrothercouldobject.Thephonerangimmediatelyandheletitgo

throughtovoicemail.

Hedidn’tneedapeptalkoralecture.Hedidn’tneedhisbrotherspoutingthejoysofmaritaland

familylife.HewashappyforDerekandhelovedKay.HewouldlaydownhislifeforJamieorTim.
But he could not and would not go there again himself. What was that old saying? Fool me once,
shameonyou.Foolmetwice,shameonme.

He wasn’t about to be fooled twice. No matter how much he was drawn to Alex. He may have

toyed with the notion of intimacy over the past few weeks, but he didn’t have it in him to go there
again.Hejust…didn’t.

LEXFLATTENEDHER

fingersandstirredthetrayofglasstilesinfrontofher.Sheneededanotheraquatile

—notbrightblueorpowderblue,butaquablue.Andifshe’dusedherlastpiece,shewasgoingto
seriouslyconsiderhavingatantrum.

Somuchformosaicsastherapy.Ifanything,shewaswoundmoretightlyafteranhourworking

onherlatestproject.Shekeptsearchingforanaquatile,however,sincethealternativewastowallow.
Andshe’ddoneenoughwallowingtoday.MoreeventhanwhensheandJacobhadfinallygonetheir
separateways.Morethanatanyothertimeinheradultlife,infact.

Asalways,ithadn’tmadeherfeelanybetter.Hereyeswerestillpuffyandswollenfromcrying

andshefeltcompletelyflat,interestedinnothing.Sheknewherselfwellenoughtoknowthefeeling
wouldpass,butthelonghoursoftheeveningstretchedaheadseeminglyendlessly.

Get through tonight. Then you’ll have work tomorrow, and a week—okay, a month—from now

you’llbeoverit.Mostly.

Foramomentshewasoverwhelmedbythetaskahead.Shelethershouldersslump.Shedidn’t

want to play with mosaics. She didn’t want to do anything. She felt hollow and empty. She felt
defeated.

Afteralongmomentshetookadeepbreathandforcedherselftositupstraight.Sheedgedone

ofthetilesalittletotheleftandwasreachingforhertilenippersjustasaknocksoundedonthedoor.

She paused, glancing down at herself. She was wearing a baggy old pair of flannel pajama

bottoms and a stretchy tank top. Her hair was still damp from her shower this afternoon and she
wasn’twearingunderwearormakeup.

She shrugged. There was only one person it could be, since the intercom hadn’t buzzed to

announce a visitor. It had been a month since she’d last caught up with Helen, her friend from the
apartmentacrossthehall.Havingcompanytonightcouldonlybeagoodthing—provideditwasthe
rightkindofcompany.Bywhichshemeantthekindthatdidn’tknowanythingabouthernow-defunct
babyplansandthereforewouldn’taskprobingpersonalquestions.Alexdidn’twanttobeprobedor
questionedtonight.Shesimplywantedtoprocessandgrieve.Andsinceshehadn’tconfidedinanyone
apartfromEthan,shefiguredshewassafe.

Shewalkedtothefrontdoor,rubbinghergummyfingertipstogethertotrytoremovesomeof

theadhesiveresidue.Sheopenedthefrontdoor—anddiscoveredthewrongsortofcompanystanding
onherdoorstep.

“Ethan.”
Foramomentshesimplystoodthere,blinkingstupidly.Sheshouldhaveknownitwouldbehim.

Whyhadn’tshecheckedthroughthespyholebeforeopeningthedoor?

“Hey.Ibroughtyoudinner,”hesaid,heftingaheavy-lookingrecyclableshoppingbag.
“Dinner…?”
He brushed past her and into her apartment. “Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, baby peas,

homemadegravy.Andabottleofsémillonsauvignon.Youwanttoeatouthereorinthekitchen?”

He was already heading for the kitchen before she could respond. She chased after him,

belatedlydraggingthelow-slungwaistbandofherpajamabottomsuptomeetthehemofhertanktop.
She was very aware that she wasn’t wearing panties or a bra and that it had been a long time since
she’d considered herself fit for public consumption without either. But she could hardly race off to
herbedroomtoputunderwearonwhilehemadefreewithherapartment.

Then she remembered something else—her mosaic project was spread out across the kitchen

table.Nooneeversawhermosaics,forgoodreason.

She swore under her breath and lengthened her stride. She skidded to a halt in the kitchen

doorway.Ethanhadlefthisshoppingbagonthecounterandwashoveringoverthetable,examining
herhandiwork.

Toolate.Damn.
“It’snotfinishedyet,”shesaidquickly.
“It’satabletop,right?”heasked,glancingatheroverhisshoulder.
Hisgazedippedbrieflybelowherneckandshecrossedherarmsoverherbralessbreasts.
“Yes.Asidetable.Ifounditatasecondhandshop.”
“Andthisroundthingatthetopisaflower,right?”
“Adaisy.”
“Andthisisarose.Andthat’sadaffodil,”hesaid.
They were pretty good guesses considering how un-rose-and un-daffodil-like her

representationswere.Shewaswellawarethattheylookedmorelikeclumpsofceramicconfettithan
anythingelse.

“That’sright.”
“It’sgood—”
“Don’t.Don’tlieandtellmeit’sgood.It’sterrible.Iknowit’sterrible.That’swhyIdon’tshow

my mosaics to anyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re terrible or not when I’m the only one who sees
them.Soyoudon’tneedtobuttermeupbysayingsomethingnicewhenwebothknowit’snottrue.”

Ethan’smouthcurledupatthecorner.“Areyoufinished?”
Sheletherbreathout,awareshe’doverreactedalittle.“Yes.”
“Iwasgoingtosayit’sgoodyouputaclothdownbecauseyourglue’sleaking.”
“Oh.Right.”
Shejoinedhimatthetableandsawthatthetubeoftileadhesivewasadriftinaseaofooze.
“Damn.”
“Wheredoyoukeepyourpapertowel?”heasked.
“Underthesink.”
Sheshiftedhertrayoftilesandhertoolkittothefloor,thenliftedthehalf-finishedtabletopand

leaneditagainstthewall.WhensheturnedaroundagainEthanwaswipingtheadhesiveoffherdrop
sheetwithawadofpaper.

“Thanks,”shesaid.“Andsorryabouttherant.”
Ethan handed her the wad of paper towel. “It was a pretty good one, as rants go. And for the

record,thetabletopisn’tthatbad.”

Shegavehimalook.“It’snotthatgood,either.”
Hegrinned.“True.Butitdidn’tmakemewanttopokeoutmyeyes,sothere’ssomethingtobe

saidforthat.”

Sometimessheforgothowcompletelydevastatinghecouldbewhenhesmiled.Sheswallowed,

thesoundaudible.

“I’llgetsomeplates.AndIneedtowashmyhands…”
“PointmeintherightdirectionandI’llservewhileyougocleanup.”
Shewasquicktotakehimupontheoffer,scuttlingofftoherbedroomatthespeedoflight.She

degummedherhandsinrecordtime,thenscrambledintounderwearandaT-shirtandjeans.

ShehadnoideawhyEthanwashere,orwhyhe’dbroughtherdinner,ofallthings.Theirbaby

bargainwasover.Therewasnoreasonforhimtobehere.

Unlesshefeltsorryforher?
Shewasbrushingherhairwhenthethoughtoccurredandshestilledwiththebrushmidstroke.
Was that why he was here? Because he was worried poor childless Alex would lose it without

closesupervision?Hadheimaginedherhuddledonthecouch,elbow-deepinabucketoficecream

andriddentotherescue,thewayhehadsomanytimessincethisallstarted?

Shethrewherbrushontothebed.Ifthatwasthecase,ifshedetectedevenawhiffofpitycoming

offofhim,shewasgoingtotellhiminnouncertaintermswhathecoulddowithhischickenandall
thetrimmings.

Andifitwasn’tthecase…Shehadnoideawhyhewashere.Hadn’ttheysaideverythingthey

needed to say to each other this morning? And weren’t they going to see each other tomorrow at
work?

There was one other reason he could be here, of course. But he’d made his feelings about

settlingdownprettyclear—ashadshe.Onlyaverysillywomanwouldallowherselftobuyintothe
fantasythathe’dsomehowhadachangeofheartsincegettingtoknowher.

Hewaspullingaplastictubofgravyoutofhermicrowavewhenshereturnedtothekitchen.His

gazerakedherfromheadtotoebuthedidn’tsayanythingaboutherquick-changeroutine.

“Icouldn’tfindyourbottleopener,”hesaid.
Shecrossedtothefridgeandpulledoneofherownbottlesfromthebuilt-inwinerack.
“Let’sdrinkoneofmine.It’stheleastIcando,sinceyou’vesuppliedthemeal.”
“Yourcall.”
Shebusiedherselfwithopeningthebottleandgettingoutwineglasses.Thenshejoinedhimat

thekitchentable.Herplatewasheapedwithfood,allofwhichlookedridiculouslygood.Sheslidhis
wineacrossthetableandwatchedashislongfingerswrappedaroundthestemoftheglass.

“Thanks.”Hesmiledfaintlyandithitherthatthelastmanwho’dsatatthistableandeatenameal

withherwasJacob.

“Whyareyouhere?”Shehadn’tmeanttoblurtitoutlikethat,butsheneededtoknow.
Ethanwasslicinghischickenbutheputdownhisknifeandforkandlookedather.“Ifeltlike

crapandIfiguredyoumight,too.SoIthoughtI’dbribemywaythroughthedoorwithchicken.”

Shefrowned.“Youdidn’tneedtobribeyourwayin.”
“Didn’tI?”Hisblueeyesweresearching.
“No.You’redisappointed,aren’tyou?”
She’dlethimdown.Ledhimonamerrydancethenlefthimgaspinglikealandedfish.
“Ofcourse.Aren’tyou?Ifwewerebothalittlemoreruthless,wemighthavebeenshoppingfor

ahomepregnancytestinafewweeks’time.”

“No,wewouldn’t.I’vealreadygotone.Adoublepack,justtomakesure.”
“Exactlymypoint.Weinvestedalotoftimeandenergyinthis.”
Shelookeddownatherplate,awayfromthesadnessinhisface.Hefeltthesamewayshedid.

Andhe’dsoughtherouttobothgiveandtakecomfort.

“You’reaniceman,EthanStone,”shesaidquietly,glancingupathimagain.
“Let’snotgettoocarriedaway.”
Goodadvice,Alex.Listentotheman.
Hedeliberatelychangedthesubjectthenandtheytalkedaboutworkandtheday’spoliticalnews.

Maybeitwasthewine,ormaybeitwassimplyEthan,withhiseasycharmanddistractingwit,butby
thetimetheywerepushingasidetheirplatesshewasfeelingdecidedlymoremellow.

Shewasgladhe’dcome.Adangerousadmissiontomake,eventoherself,butitwastrue.
Theymovedtothelivingroomaftershe’dclearedthetableandsheraidedherchocolate-cookie

stashfordessertwhileEthanopenedthesecondbottleofwine.Shefoundhimexaminingherteapot
collectionwhenshereturnedtothelivingroomwithaplatefulofTimTamsandotherindulgences.

“Thisismyfavorite,Ithink.Althoughtheoneshapedlikeacatisprettydamnedcool,”hesaid.
“Thecabbagewasaluckyfind.Butthatcat…Inearlybrokeanoldlady’sarmtogetthatteapot.”
“Excellent.Tellmeeverything.”Herubbedhishandstogetherwithexaggeratedanticipation.

So she told him how she’d spotted the teapot at the same time as a purple-haired old lady at a

yard sale and how they’d both reached for it at the same time but she’d been a trifle faster off the
markandtheoldladyhadlungedacrossthetableatherandrefusedtoletgountilthewomanrunning
thesalehadtostepintoadjudicate.

Ethanwaswipingtearsfromhiseyesbythetimeshe’dfinished.She’dalwayslovedmakinghim

laughbuttonightitfeltlikeaspecialachievement.

“Alex. That’s priceless. A million other women would have bowed to her brittle bones and

handedthedamnedthingoverbutnotyou.”

“Oldpeoplearejustnormalpeoplewithmorewrinkles.Whyshouldtheybegrantedaget-out-

of-jail-freecardsonthingslikecourtesyandfinderskeepers?Besides,itturnedoutshethoughtitwas
adog,notacat.Whensheputherglassesonshewasmorethanhappytoletitgo.”

She had her feet curled up beside her on the couch and had been rubbing her arches absently

throughout her story. Ethan slid his wineglass onto the coffee table in front of him, then stood and
crossedtositontheendofhercouch.

“Comeon.Givethemhere,”hesaid.
Ittookheramomenttounderstandwhatheintended.
Sheshookherhead.“I’mfine.”
“Igiveameanfootmassage,Alex.It’sabouttheonlythingCassieandIcouldeveragreeon.”

Hehelduphisthumbsandwiggledthemintheair.“Magicthumbs.”

She shook her head again. No way was she lying on her couch while Ethan rubbed her feet. It

wasway,waytoointimate.

“I’mreallyticklish.I’llonlywindupgigglinglikeanidiot.”
“Clearlyyou’veonlyhadsubstandardmassagesinthepast.Comeon.”
Shestartedtoobjectagainbuthesimplycircledherrightanklewithoneofhisbighandsand

pulledherfootintohislap.

“Hey!”
“Shutupandtakeyourmedicine.”
Hestartedrubbingherfootthenanditfeltsogoodthateventhoughsheknewsheshouldpull

freeandmaybeevensendhimhomebeforesheforgotthattonightwasaboutmutualsympathyand
not…anythingelse,shesubsidedbackontothecushionsandclosedhereyes.

“Notticklish?”heaskedafteraminuteorso.
Shecrackedaneyelid.Hewaslookingverypleasedwithhimself.
“Strongthumbs,mybackside,”shemuttered.
Helaughed,thesoundverylow,andsheclosedhereyesagainanddidn’teventrytosuppress

herownsmile.Andshedidn’tresistfifteenminuteslaterwhenheswitchedtoherleftfoot,rubbing
thetensionfromherarchesandmakingherwishshehadathirdandevenafourthfoottoofferhim
soshecouldprolongtheexperience.

TwentyminuteslateritoccurredtoherthatEthanhadstoppedthemassageawhileagoandshe

openedhereyestofindhimcollectinghiscarkeysfromthecoffeetable.

“Thatwassneaky,”shesaiddrowsily.“Ididn’tevenfeelyoumove.”
“ItookorigamilessonswhenIwasakid.”
Shewassooutofitittookheramomenttounderstandhewasjoking.“Origami.Funny.”
“Ithoughtso.”
Shestartedtositup.
“Staywhereyouare.I’llseemyselfout.”
“Ican’tletyoucookmedinnerthenrubmyfeetforhoursonendandnotseeyouout.”
“Yes,youcan.Staywhereyouare.That’sanorder.”

He’dcrossedtothecouchtostandoverherandshestaredupathimmutinously.
“IfI’msupposedtobeintimidatedbythelooming-over-mething,youcanthinkagain.”
Shestood,onlyrealizingwhenshedidsothatitmeanttheywerestandingchesttochest,onlya

fewinchesbetweenthem.

“I won’t ask if anyone has ever told you you’re a pain in the ass. You’ll only take it as a

compliment,”Ethansaid.

Shetriedtotakeastepbackward,butthecouchwasagainstherheelsandshelostherbalance.

Hishandclosedaroundherupperarmtostopherfall.Hewassmiling,clearlyamusedbyher.

“Idiot,”hesaid.
Thenheloweredhisheadandkissedheronce,veryhard,onthemouth.
He looked as surprised as she was when he lifted his head. For a moment they stared at each

other,thenEthan’sgazeslidtohermouthagain.

“Alex,”hesaid,soquietlyshealmostdidn’thearhim.
Heloweredhisheadagain.Thistimehislipsweregentleonhers,thepressuremoreaquestion

thananexpressionoffrustration.Foramomenttheystoodlockedtogether,neitherofthemmoving,
joinedonlybytheirmouthsandhishandonherarm.Thenshepartedherlipsthetiniestfraction.The
meresthintofaninvitation.Hesighedandslidhishandtothenapeofherneckandopenedhismouth
overhers.

Hetastedofchocolateandwine,andshemadeanapproving,needysoundashistonguestroked

hers.Herhandsreachedblindlyforhim,findinghisbroadshoulders,pullinghimcloser.Andthen,
somehow,theywereonthecouch,Ethan’sbigbodyontopofhers,hishandsglidingoverherastheir
kissbecamemoreandmoreintense.Shewhimperedashishandcuppedfirstonebreastthentheother,
histhumbslidingoverandovereachnippleinturnuntiltheywerebothhardandeagerandshewas
quiveringbeneathhim.

It had been eighteen months since she’d felt a man’s weight on top of her and she’d spent the

better part of the past month living in the pocket of one of the sexiest men she’d ever known. So
maybe it wasn’t any wonder that she was on fire for him now. She’d always found him attractive.
Always.She’dnoticedhispowerfulbody,she’deyedhismouthandlongfingersandimagined…And
nowhewaskissingherandhishandwasslidingbeneathhertop,pushingherbraoutoftheway,and
hewasbreakingtheirkisstolowerhisheadtotakehernippleintohismouth.

Sheclutchedathisshouldersasthewetheatofhismouthengulfedher.Itfeltsogood.Hefeltso

good.

She arched her back, offering him her other breast, sliding her fingers into his hair when he

turnedhisheadandpulledhernippleintohismouth.

Somewhere,inaverydark,distantcornerofhermindawarningknellsounded.ThiswasEthan.

A fellow partner. And, more than that, her friend. A friend who had made his feelings about
relationshipspainfullyclear.

She knew she should push him away and call a halt, but she wasn’t even close to being strong

enoughtodenytheneedthrummingthroughherbody.She’dwantedhimforsolong.

She parted her legs and lifted her hips and Ethan didn’t need to be asked twice to take up her

silentinvitation.Hishipspressedintothecradleofherthighsandshewrappedherlegsaroundhis
waistandrubbedherselfagainstthehardlengthofhim.

“Alex,”Ethansaidagain,pressinghiserectionagainstherwheresheneededitthemost.
Shecircledherhips,willingtwolayersofdenimtooblivionbutunwillingtolosethedelicious

pressureofhishipsagainsthersfortheshorttimeitwouldtaketogetundressed.

They kissed and caressed and rubbed against each other for long minutes. Alex was so turned

on, so achingly ready for him that it almost hurt. She was the one who reached for the stud on his

jeans, and she was the one who slid her hand beneath the soft cotton of his boxer briefs to find the
hard,resilientshaftofhiserection.Heshudderedasshewrappedherhandaroundhimandstroked
her hand up and down his length. She felt him fumble at the stud on her jeans and she forgot to
breatheashispalmslidoverherbellyanddown,down,untilhisfingersweredelvingbetweenher
thighs.

Hestrokedherwhileshestrokedhim,theirmouthslockedinasearching,never-endingkiss.She

wassecondsawayfromherfirstheavy-petting-on-the-couchclimaxinyearswhenEthanbroketheir
kissandrestedhisforeheadagainsthers.

“Alex.Ineed—”
“Yes,”shesaid,alreadystartingtopeelherjeansdownoverherhips.
His weight left her for a brief moment as they both shed their jeans, then she heard the small,

significant crackle of a foil pack before Ethan was on top of her again, his bare legs warm and
slightlyroughagainstherownastheytangledtogetheronthecouch.Heranhishanddowntheside
of her hip, wrapped his fingers around the outside of her left thigh and lifted her leg up and to the
side.Shefeltthefirmprobeofhiserectionatherentranceandsheliftedherhipsinwelcome.Then
he was inside her and there was nothing in the world except for the exquisite friction of his body
movingwithinhers.

Theyrockedtogether,neithersayingaword.Alexheldherbreathandsqueezedhereyestightly

shut,chasingthelicksofpleasureracingthroughherbody.Ethanpressedhisfaceintoherneckand
openedhismouthagainstherskin,suckingandlickingashisthrustsbecamemoreandmoreurgent.
Oneofhishandsteasedherbreasts,theothergrippedherhip,hisfingerspressingintoherflesh.

Heshiftedposition.Soclose.Soclose.
She caught her breath, arched her back. And then she was there. Her hands clutched at his

backside,holdinghimhighandstillinsideherasshelostherselfforafewprecious seconds. Only
when the waves of pleasure had passed and she’d relaxed her grip did he begin to move again, his
thrustsdeepandpowerful.Shefeltthetensionspikeinhim.Thenhepressedhischeekagainsthers
andshudderedouthisownclimax,thestubbleofhiswhiskersawelcomeroughnessagainstherskin.

Neither of them said anything in the immediate aftermath. Ethan kept his face pressed into the

curveofherneck.Shestaredattheceilingoverhisshoulder.Wherebeforetherehadbeennothing
but him and her and the maddening, crazy-making feel of his body against hers, she was suddenly
awareofthefactthatacouchbuttonwasjabbingintoherbacksideandthattheywerebothbreathing
hardandthatherbrawaspusheduncomfortablyuparoundherarmpits.

Shewasalsohugely,painfullyawarethatwhathadhappenedbetweenthemhadthepotentialto

changeeverything.Shedidn’tdocasualsex—neverhad—andshehadnoplanstostartnow.Butthis
wasEthan.Herfriendandcolleague—andthemostcommitment-shymansheknew.

Unless…
Don’t.Don’tgothere.YouknowEthan.Youknowwhathewants—anditisn’tthis.
Butitwastoolate.Hopewasalreadyunfoldinginsideher.
She was a smart woman. She knew Ethan was a bad bet. Whatever had gone on within his

marriagehadwoundedhim,badly.Butshelikedhim.Shelikedhimalot.Andrightnowtheywere
lyingskintoskinonhercouch.Hewasstillinsideher.Sheknewhelikedher.He’dcookedherdinner
and brought it to her house and shown her in a hundred different ways over the course of their
friendshipthatheadmiredandrespectedher.

Wasitsocrazytoimaginethatmaybethiscouldbethebeginningofsomethingandnotjusta

really,reallyinappropriateoutletforweeksoftensionandexpectation?

Ethanliftedhishead.Theylookedintoeachother ’seyes.Hisexpressionwasunreadable.
Whichsaidsomethinginandofitself,didn’tit?

“I’mtooheavy,”Ethansaidquietly,andshefeltthelossashewithdrewfromherandrolledto

oneside.

She watched silently as he stood, his body supremely sexy despite the fact that he was still

wearinghisshirtandsocks.Sheglancedathisretreatingbackside—perfect,liketherestofhim—as
he went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom, then she sat up and pushed her hair from her
forehead.

Shestaredblanklyatthewallforabeat,herbrainnotquiteuptospeedyet,herbodystillwarm

and flushed from his touch. Then she heard the sound of his footfall in the hall and realized she
shouldhaveusedhisabsencetogetdressedinsteadofsittinginapostcoitaldaze.

She pulled the jumbled tangle of her jeans into her lap in a belated attempt at modesty as he

enteredthelivingroom.Shedidn’tlookathimforamomentashesatbesideheronthecouch.Then,
afterafewlong,tenseseconds,sheslidaglancehiswayoutofthecornersofhereyes.

Hewaswatchingher,asmallsmileonhismouth,concerninhiseyes.
“Youokay?”heaskedquietly,reachingouttotuckastrandofherhairbehindherear.
Shenodded.“Yes.You?”
“Yeah.”
Theywerebothsilentforalongmoment.
“Thatwasprobablyamistake,huh?”shesaid.Itwasn’twhatshewantedtoask.Butshewasn’t

stupid.Shewasn’tgoingtomakethisanymoreuncomfortablethanitalreadywas.

“Depends on your definition. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. A lot. And that I hadn’t

thoughtaboutusbeingtogetherlikethis.”

She looked at him sharply. Was he saying that even before they’d been considering becoming

parentstogetherhe’dbeenattractedtoher?

“Ithoughtyousawmeasyourworkbuddy.”
“No.”
“Sowhydidn’tyouever…?”
“BecauseIknewthatitcouldn’tgoanywhere.AndIdidn’twanttohurtyou.”
Itwasexactlywhatshe’dbeentellingherself—he’dbeencrystalclearabouthisdeterminationto

remainsingle,afterall—butitstillfeltlikeaslapintheface.

Suddenly it seemed wrong to be sitting half naked in front of him. Way too vulnerable. She

fished her tangled panties from the leg of her jeans and stood, pulling her panties on. Then she
draggedherjeansupherlegs.Afteramoment’shesitation,Ethanfollowedsuit.

Only when they were both fully dressed, flies zipped and studs buttoned, did she look at him

again.

“For the record, you haven’t hurt me,” she said. “I knew the score. But this wasn’t exactly

somethingI’dplannedonhappening.”

“Me,either.Butthepastfewweekshavebeenprettyfull-on.”
“Yes.”
“Maybeitwasinevitable.Withallthedonorstuff,allthetimewe’vebeenspendingtogether…”
“Yes.”
Sheglancedaroundherapartment.Shedidn’tknowwhatelsetosaytohim.Therewasn’tmuch

moretosay,whenitcamedowntoit.They’dbothagreedthatithadbeenamistaketocrosstheline
andsleepwitheachother.

Shewantedhimtogo,sherealized.They’dmadetheirmistake,nowshewantedtoshowerand

gotobedandclearherheadfortomorrow.Shewantedtobealone.

“I’llhelpyoucleanup.”Hestartedgatheringglassesandplates.
“Don’t.I’lldoitinthemorning.”

Heignoredher,takingtheplatesintothekitchen.Whensheheardhimclatteringaroundinthere

shewentafterhim.

“Leaveit.Please,”shesaid.
Hewasrunningwaterintothesinkbutheflickedthetapoff.Theystaredateachotheracrossher

counter.

“I’mgoingtobereallypissedwithmyselfifthishasmessedthingsupbetweenus,Alex.That’s

thelastthingIwant,”Ethansaid.“I’dhatetothinkwe’dtrashedagoodfriendshipforthesakeofone
boutofcrazy-monkey-couch-sex.”

Hewastryingtomakeherlaughandsherewardedhimwithasmallsmile.
“It’sbeenabigday.Andthiswaskindofthecherryontop.”
“Yeah.Iknow.”
Heranahandthroughhishair,thensigheddeeply.“Okay,then,I’llbuggeroff.”
Shetriednottolooktoorelievedbutshesuspectedheknewshecouldn’twaittoclosethedoor

onhim.

Well, tough. She was entitled to her reaction. Maybe this sort of thing happened to him all the

time,butitwasnewterritoryforher.

“Thanksfordinner,”shesaidatthefrontdoor.
Ethanlookeddownather,hiseyesverydarkblueandveryserious.“ImeantwhatIsaid,Alex.

Yourfriendshipmeansalottome.”

“Yours,too.Tome,Imean.”
Henodded.Hehesitated,thenheleanedforwardandkissedherbrieflyonthelips.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Sheclosedthedooronhimandstoodverystillforalongmoment.Itoccurredtoherthatifthey

hadn’tusedacondomtonight,theymighthavebecomeparentstodayafterall.Buttheyhad.Andshe’d
alreadydecidedshedidn’twantachildatanycost.Shewantedapartner,andachildbornoflove.A
fantasy,perhaps.Butshethoughtitwasworthholdingoutfor.

Shewalkedintothelivingroom.Thecouchsatlikeavelvetreproachinthemiddleoftheroom.

Sheflickedoffthelight.

She’dbroodedenoughtoday.SheandEthanhadtakenamissteptonight.Thatwasallitwas.She

wasn’tanybetterorworseoffasaresultofit,andneitherwashe.Andevenifthingswereawkward
betweenthemforafewweeks,therewasnoreasonwhytheycouldn’tputthisbehindthem.Theywere
bothintelligentadults,afterall.

It would be so much better—so much easier—if she could believe her own spin. The truth,

painful and embarrassing as it was to admit, was that she had always wanted Ethan as more than a
friend. She’d known it was stupid and had pushed her desire and attraction and admiration into a
corner and ignored it, but it had still been there and now she knew what it was like to be Ethan’s
lover…

He’snotlookingforarelationship,Alex.Youknowthis.Don’tsetyourselfupforafall.
She’dalwaysbeensensible.Allherlifeshe’dreliedonastrongstreakofpragmatismtogether

through.Ethanwasabadbet.Aslongasshekeptthatfacttopofmind,she’dbeokay.

Shewould.
Thoroughlysickofherself,shewenttobed.

CHAPTEREIGHT

LEXHADTAST EDLIKE

spicedwineandherskinhadbeenwarmandsmoothandsoft.Herbreasts…Ethan

had always wondered about her breasts. And now he knew. They were full, with small pale pink
nipplesthatpuckeredupprettilyinhismouthandbeneathhishands.

Ethan rolled onto his back and punched his pillow into a new shape for the tenth time tonight.

He’dbeentryingtogettosleepforovertwohours.He’dcomehomefullofregret,kickinghimself
for having stepped over the line with Alex, blaming himself for not having enough self-control to
catch himself before he’d dropped that single, hard kiss onto her mouth and for not being able to
resisttheunspokenquestioninhereyeswhenshe’dlookedupathim.

Andhere he was,lying in bed,unable to banish thememories of thosemoments on the couch

fromhismind.

Guiltanddesire.Agreatcombo.Aperfectantidoteforsleep.
Putitoutofyourmind.Itwasaone-off.Youcan’tgothereagain.There’snopointthinkingabout

it.

Greatadvice.Ifonlyhecouldstopthinkingaboutthetightclenchofherbodyaroundhis.And

thefiercenessofherkisses.Andthewayshe’dgaspedandheldhimstillinsideherselfasshe’dcome,
herbodybowingoffthecouch.

He’ddeniedhimselfwhereshewasconcernedforsolong.Keptheratarm’slength.Madeher

hisfriendinsteadofhisloverbecausehe’dalwaysknownshewantedmorefromamanthanhewas
preparedtogive.

Andstillhe’dsleptwithher.
Hethrewbackthequiltandrolledoutofbed.Hewasdrivinghimselfnuts,goingoverandover

thesameground.Hewentintothebathroomandransackedthedrawersandvariousstoragebaskets
beneaththesinkuntilhefoundablisterpackofsleepingpillsleftoverfromhislastinternationaltrip.
Heswallowedonethenreturnedtobedtowaitforittokickin.

Heshouldhavestayedawayfromher.Heshouldneverhavegoneovertoherplace.Ifhe’dhurt

her…

He’dmakeituptoher.He’ddowhateverittooktoensureAlexwashappy.Becausehewanted

hertobehappymorethananything.

Hearrivedatworkearlythenextmorning.Hedumpedhisbriefcaseandcoatandmadehisway

toheroffice.Hedidn’tknowwhathewasgoingtosaytoher.Hesimplywantedtoseeher.Forafew
preciousminuteslastnight,they’dbeenascloseastwopeoplecouldget.Hewantedtoseeher.

She was frowning at a document on her desk when he arrived in her doorway, kneading her

browwithherfingertips.Shelookedtired.Asthoughshe’dhadasmuchtroublesleepingashehad.

Youdidthat.Youtookwhatyouwantedthenbailedandyoumadeitimpossibleforhertosleep.
Butshe’dwantedhimtogo.He’dofferedtohelpcleanup,butshe’dpracticallyorderedhimout

thedoor.

“Alex.”
Herheadcameup.Herbrowneyeswereguardedasshelookedathim.“Hi.”

“You’reinearly.”
“Usuallyam.”
“Yeah.”He’drunoutofpleasantries,andallthethingshewantedtosaywereimpossible.The

silencestretched.

“Um,didyouwantsomething?”sheaskedafterafewtautseconds.“BecauseI’vegotalotgoing

on.”Sheindicatedthepaperworkpiledhighinherin-tray.

“Justcheckingin,”hesaidstupidly.
“Well, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Ethan. I didn’t spend the night embroidering your initials on a

handkerchieforanything.I’mabiggirl.”

Shegavehimasmilethatdidn’tcomeevenclosetohereyes.He’dneverfeltmoredistantfrom

her.

You’re an idiot. You’ve screwed everything up. You should have kept your freaking hands to

yourself.“Alex…I’msorry.”

Sheshookherhead.“Youdon’tneedtoapologizetome.Ittakestwototango,remember?AndI

didmyshareofdancinglastnight.”

He wasn’t apologizing for the sex. He didn’t know how to articulate his regret. She deserved

more.Hewantedhertohavemore,buthedidn’thaveitinhimtogive.

He searched his mind for the one magical thing he could say that would make everything all

rightbetweenthemagain.Buthecouldn’tturnbacktime.Hecouldn’tundothemomentwhenthey’d
crossedthelineirrevocablyfromfriendstolovers.

“I’llleaveyoutoit,then,”hesaid.
“Thanks.I’llseeyouatthesoftwaremeetingthisafternoon.”
“Right.”
Heliftedhishandinfarewellandreturnedtohisoffice.Hestoppedtwice,wantingtogotoAlex

andhavearealconversationwithher.Bothtimesheforcedhimselftokeepwalking.

He’d been playing house with her for the past few weeks. Pretending to himself that he could

havethetrappingsofarelationshipwithoutthecommitmentandtheaccompanyingrisks.Alexwasn’t
agame.Shewasoneofthefinestwomenheknew.Shedeservedbetter.Shecertainlydeservedbetter
thanhisfriendship.

NLYWHEN

LEXWAS

certainEthanwasgonedidAlexletoutthebreathshe’dbeenholding.

Shewasproudofherself.Shereallywas.Thewayshe’dheldhiseyeandcalmlytoldhimshe

wasabiggirlandthatshe’ddonehershareofdancing.NowaycouldEthanhaveknownthatshe’d
barely had a wink of sleep and that when she’d heard his voice this morning her whole body had
tensed.

She’dthoughtshehaditcovered—thatwastheworstthingaboutallofthis.She’dthoughtthat

she,tough-cookie,no-bullAlexKnightwasimmunetoEthan’spotentmixofgoodlooksandcharm.
Hemightbegorgeousandsmartandsexyandfunnyandkindandgenerousbutshewasasurvivor.
Shewastoosmarttosethersightsonhim.

Thenhe’dkissedherandallherliestoherselfhadbeenrevealedforthetissue-thinexcusesthey

were.

ShelikedEthan.Alot.Asmorethanafriend.Shewantedhimtolikeher,too.Shewantedhimto

domorethanlikeher.Shewantedhimto—

Shepushedherchairawayfromherdesk.
She’dalreadymadeadealwithherselfnottodwellonit.Shedidn’thavetimetodothewhole

unrequited thing. If she was going to have a chance of having the family she wanted, she needed to
throwherselfintothedatingscene,andsheneededtodoitwholeheartedly.Wholeheartedly.

She was busy all morning, then she braced herself to spend the afternoon stuck in a small

meetingroomwithEthanandahandfulofotherpeople.

She told herself it wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it might be, sitting opposite him for three

hours, listening to his voice, meeting his gaze, laughing at his jokes. She kept her mind on the
discussion—only once did it stray, and then only for a few seconds when Ethan raked his hand
throughhishairandshewasremindedofhowithadlookedlastnightashewaslyingontopofher,
pressingherintothecouch,strokinginandoutofher…

She’dfeltherselfflushing,theheatrisingupherbody.Shemadeanexcusetoleavethemeeting

forafewminutesanddidn’tcomebackuntilsheknewshecouldlookhimintheeyeandnotbetray
herself.

Laterthatnightshemadeaverypragmatic,veryruthlessdecision.Sheneededtostoplyingto

herselfandconfrontherownreality.Ifshewasn’tverycareful,shewasgoingtoslipalloftheway
intolovewithEthanStone.Andthatwouldbeabad,badthingforawomaninherposition.Awoman
whostillheldouthopeoffindingamantoloveandhaveafamilywith.

Ethan was not that man. All her instincts told her that. He’d told her that, both covertly and

overtly.

So.Sheneededtomoveon.
Which was why she took a deep breath after dinner and sat at the computer and composed a

profileforherselftouploadtothreeofthemostpopularonlinedatingsites.Shechoseapictureof
herselfinatanktopandhikingshorts,lookingfitandtannedandhappy,andshedescribedherselfas
smart and funny and looking for a committed relationship. She wrote off the top of her head, and
onceitwasdonesheposteditstraightaway,nosecond-guessingherself.

Likeshe’dsaid,movingon.
Shedidsomeworkshe’dbroughthome,thenshewatchedacoupleofepisodesofJonStewart’s

The Daily Show that she’d saved. Just before bedtime, she gave in to curiosity and checked her
profiles.

It was early days yet, and she probably didn’t have any responses. But if she did, it would be

reallygoodtobeabletogotobedandthinkaboutsomethingotherthanEthan.

Ethansmiling.Ethanteasing.Ethanlaughingwithhisnephews.Ethanwhisperinghernameashe

madelovetoher.Ethanstandinginherofficedoorwaythismorning,hiseyesfullofquestions.

Oneresponsewouldbefine.Justonetogettheballrolling.
Togiveheroptions.
Sheblinkedwhenshesawthedoubledigitnexttoherprofileatthefirstsite.Eleven.She’dhad

elevenhitsinacoupleofhours.Wow.

Shecheckedtheothers.Fourattheothersite,sixatthelastone.
Howaboutthat.ClearlythereweremoresinglemeninMelbournethanshethought.
She started working her way through the responses. The first guy looked to be in his fifties,

althoughhegavehisageasearlyforties.Stresscouldagepeople,sheknew,andheclaimedtoown
hisownsmallbusiness,butshewasawarethatmanypeopledoctoredtheiragesandphotos.Plushe
hadtheoverdevelopedneckandarmsofamanwhospentfartoomuchtimeinthegym.Shereadhis
personal statement. He said he was looking for someone young and fun who wasn’t afraid to “get
adventurous.”

Next.
Contender number two was wearing a three-piece suit and posing in front of his Ferrari. She

ignored all the unkind penis-compensation jokes that popped into her mind and read his profile.

HotKarManwaslookingforsomeonewhoenjoyedthefinerthingsinlife.He’dbeenmarriedthree
timesandhadfivechildren.Andhewasonlythirty-five.

Next.
Bythetimeshegottocontendernumbernine,shewasslumpedinherchair.Itwasundeniably

depressing to realize that the vast majority of men believed that women were more focused on a
man’sbankbalanceandthesizeofhispenisthantheywereonwhohewasandwhathewantedinlife
andwhathebelievedin—atleastthatwastheonlyconclusionshecoulddrawfromtheprofilesshe’d
received.She’dneverseensomanyveiledreferencestoequipmentandmachineryinherlife.

Therehastobeonedecentguyinamongstallthesemen.Please.
She clicked on profile number ten and read the introductory paragraph. SoloDoc was, not

surprisingly,adoctor.He’dbeenmarriedonce,wasinhislatethirtiesandwaslookingforawoman
tosharehislife.Shesatalittlestraighterandleanedtowardthescreen.

Helikedhiking,bikeridingandreadingbiographies.Musically,hefavoredU2andColdplay.He

likedtotravel.Andhe’dtickedtheboxthatsaidhehadnoproblemwithprospectivematcheshaving
children.

Shelooked at hisphotograph. He hada slim build anda long facewith slightly receding hair.

Hiseyeswerekindandintelligent.Hewasattractive,inastudiousway.

Shedidn’tgiveherselftimetowaver.Shehittherespondbuttonandtypedinaquickgreeting.

Thenshesentitandturnedoffhercomputer.

There.She’ddonethesmartthing.Thepractical,pragmatic,self-preservingthing.
And maybe one day soon she would be able to look back on the past few intense weeks with

Ethanandthinkfondlyofhimasagoodfriendinsteadoffeelingaheavyacheinherchest.

Becauseshewasfeelinglowsheranherselfabath,eventhoughsheknewthattheGreenlobby

wouldprobablystringherupiftheycouldseeherwastingsomuchwater.Sheloweredherselfinto
frangipani-scentedbubblesandletoutadeepsigh.

Shefeltasthoughshe’dbeentothemoonandback.Somanyupsanddown.Somuchhopeand

disappointment.

She slid deeper into the bath until she was completely submerged. She held her breath for as

longasshecould,listeningtothethudofherheart.

Ifshecouldhavejustonewish…
Butitwouldtakemorethanonewishtorightherworld.
Shepushedherfeetagainsttheendofthebathandbrokethesurface.
Wishesnevercametrue,anyway.

“E

THAN

AITUP.”

Ethan had just exited the building but he stopped and pivoted on his heel, waiting for Alex to

catchup.Ithadbeenafullweeksincethey’dcrossedtheline.Shewaswearinghernavypinstripesuit
and her red pumps. Her hair blew across her face and she tucked a strand behind her ear as she
stoppedinfrontofhim.Shelookedgood.Shelookedgreat.Asalways.

“Haveyougotasecond?”sheasked.
He’dbeenduckingouttopickupabookhe’dorderedbuthehadfifteenminutesbeforehisnext

clientarrived.

“Sure.What’sup?”
PedestriansstreamedaroundthemonbusyCollinsStreet.Alexstartedtospeakbutwasjostledas

twobanker-typespushedtheirwaypast.

“Watchyourselves,”Ethancalledafterthem,grabbingAlex’selbowandsteeringheroutofthe

mainflowtowheretherewaslesscompetitionpersquarefootofpavement.

Shesmiledfaintly.“Thereyougowiththemanhandlingthingagain.”
Heletherelbowgo.“Sorry.”
A few weeks ago he’d have fired something in response, but the ease had gone out of their

relationshipsincethatnightonAlex’scouch.Ithadchangedthings,ashe’dknownitwould.

Shouldn’thavesleptwithher,moron.
“What’sup?”heasked.
“Ineedtocancelourgamenextweek,”shesaid.
Maybe he should have been expecting it, but he wasn’t. In over a year, he and Alex had only

missedoneTuesdaynight,andthatwasbecausethey’dbothbeenattendingafirmfunction.

“Sure.Youwanttorescheduleforlaterintheweekorskipitaltogether?”heaskedcasually.
What he really wanted to ask was what she was doing, and who she was doing it with. But he

didn’thavetherighttoaskherthosekindofthings.Nowmorethanever.

“We could reschedule for Wednesday night, if that suits? Otherwise it’ll have to be a skip—

we’vegottheHeartFoundationfundraiseronMondaynight,andtherestoftheweekislookingpretty
solidforme,too.”

“Wednesdayitis,then.”He’dhavetoreschedulethedrinkhe’dorganizedwithanoldfriend,but

shedidn’tneedtoknowthat.“Yououttherepaintingthetownred,slowpoke?”

Hetriedtomakeitsoundasthoughhedidn’tgiveadamnwhatshedidwithhersparetime.
“Notreally.Anyway,Idon’twanttoholdyouup.Youlookedlikeyouweregoingsomewhere.”
“Yeah.”
Shesmiledhergoodbyeandhewatchedherwalkaway.He’dalwaysadmiredthewaysheheld

herself,asthoughshewasreadytotakeonallcomers.

“Alex.”
Sheturned,eyebrowsraised.
“Yougotahotdateorsomething?”heasked.Hehadn’tmeantto.Butheneededtoknow.
Shehesitatedasecond,thennodded.“Yeah.AlthoughI’mnotsurehowhotitis.”
Shepulledacomicface,thengavehimalittlefingerwaveandturnedaway.
He hadn’t expected her to say yes. He’d thought she’d tell him it was a client dinner or some

otherworkobligation.

Butshe’dmetsomeone.
Andshewasgoingonadate.
He turned blindly into the crowd and started walking, trying to ignore the Lord-of-the-Flies

screaminginthebackofhishead.

Hedidn’twantAlexdatingothermen.Theknowledgewasanacid-burninthepitofhisstomach.

Hedidn’twantherseeinganyone.Hewanted…Hedidn’tknowwhathewanted.

Liar.
Hesteppedoutontotheroadandatrambellrang,jerkinghimtoawareness.Hereturnedtothe

sidewalkandwaitedforthelighttochange.

Hehadnoclaimonher.Noclaimonheratall.Hehadnorighttoanyofthefeelingschurningin

hisgutrightnow.

Soyou’rejustgoingtoletherwalkaway?
Yeah,Iam.
He walked until he found himself in open space—the gardens beside Parliament House on

SpringStreet.Hekickedatthegrassandlookedattheskyandpaced.

Gotoher.Tellherhowyoufeel.Tellher…

What?Thathefoundhercompellingandbeautifulandbraveandthathewantedtosleepwithher

andspendtimewithher—butthathewantedtodoitallwithnostrings,nocommitment,nopromises
thateitherofthemwouldonedayfeelcompelledtobreak?

Oh,yeah.She’dreallygoforthat.
It occurred to him that Derek would be delighted to see him pacing in the park like this,

mutteringtohimselflikeamadmanoverawoman.OverAlex.

HesatonthestepstoParliamentHouseandrestedhisheadinhishands.Hewasgoingtolose

Alex.Ifhesatbackandsaidordidnothing,hewasgoingtoloseher.Therewasnodoubtinhismind
thatitwasgoingtohappen,soonerorlater.Shewasamazing,andthefirstguywhotookthetimeto
recognizethatwouldsnapherup.

Unless…
He knew what she wanted—a commitment. A relationship. Marriage. Children. The whole box

anddice.Ifheofferedthattoher,ifhetooktheplunge…

Somethingtightandhardsqueezedhisgut.Whatifhewaswrongabouther?Whatifhegotit

wrongagain?

Heshottohisfeetandlookedupanddownthestreet.Hecouldn’tdoit.Hesimplycouldn’tdoit.
Hisphonebuzzedandhesawitwashisassistant.Heopenedthemessage.Shewastextingtolet

himknowhistwoo’clockmeetinghadarrived.

Heheadedbacktotheoffice.
Soyou’rejustgoingtoletherwalkaway?
Yeah,Iam.

ANIEL

OWE

—SoloDoc—hadagoodsenseofhumor.Alexknewthisbecausehe’dsentheracoupleof

veryclevercartoonsoverthepastweek,bothofwhichhadappealedtohersenseoftheridiculous.
He’dalsocalledhertwice—thefirsttoaskherifshefeltreadytomeetaftertheirexchangeofemails
and phone conversations, the second to confirm his booking at one of Melbourne’s most lauded
restaurants.

Heseemedlikeaniceman.Hisvoiceoverthephonewasapleasingbaritone,andheaskedlots

ofquestionsandseemedgenuinelyinterestedinherandherwork.Hewasagastroenterologist,which
meanthegenerallydidn’thavecrazyon-callhours.Heownedhishome,hadbeendivorcedforfour
yearsandwascompletelyfrankaboutlookingforanotherrelationship.

“Iknowit’dprobablygetmekickedoutoftheboysclubifitgotout,butIlikebeingpartofa

couple,”he’dsaidduringtheirsecondphonecall.

ReturningtoherdeskaftertalkingtoEthaninthestreet,AlexcirclednextTuesdayinherdiary.

TodaywasThursday,soshehadtwonightsandtheweekendtofindsomethingnewtowearonher
date.Morethanenoughtime.

Shefrowned,tracingthecircleshe’dmadeoverandoveruntilthepencreatedafurrowinthe

paperandthreatenedtobreakthroughtothenextpage.

Ethanhadn’tsomuchasblinkedwhenshe’dtoldhimshewascancelingtheirracquetballgame.

She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting from him. Annoyance, at the very least, at the
inconvenience?Somereactiontothefactthatshewasthrowinghimover,abandoningtheirregular
planssoshecouldgooutwithanotherman?

This,myfriend,isexactlywhyyouneedtogooutwithDanielLoweonTuesdaynight.
She threw her pen down. Her sensible self was right. She had to put Ethan out of her mind—

reallyputhimoutofhermind,notjusttellherselfshewasthensecretlyhopethathe’dturngreenand

burstoutofhisclotheswhenherealizedshewasgoingoutwithsomeoneelse.Ethanhadmadehis
feelingsaboutcommittedrelationships—andher—painfullyclear.

Youdon’thavetimeforthis,Alex.
Shedidn’t.Shewasthirty-eight.Inafewmonthsshewouldbethirty-nine.Shedidn’thavetimeto

fallforthewrongman.

She went shopping that night, determined to find something that would knock Daniel Lowe’s

surgicalslippersoff.Allpartofthemoving-onstrategy—keepwalking,neverlookback.

Shereturnedhomeempty-handed.Dittothefollowingevening.Eventhoughshehadworkthat

hadflowedoverintotheweekend,asusual,sheplayedhookyandwentshoppingagainonSaturday
afternoon.

She’d discarded half a dozen cocktail dresses and several mix-and-match options when she

spottedaneveningdressinasmalldesignerboutiqueinoneofthemanybluestonecobbledlaneways
hiddeninMelbourne’scitycenter.Itwasnearlyfiveo’clockandtheshopswerepreparingtoclose
forthedayandshedidn’thaveherperfectfirst-dateoutfitandshouldreallykeepmoving….

Shecrossedtothedressandfingeredthesoft,sensuoussilkknitandturnedthepricetagoverto

check if it was within her budget. She’d planned on wearing something tried and true from her
wardrobefortheHeartFoundationfundraiser,butthisdresswasblackandslinky,withacowlneck
andalowbackdecoratedwithtinyjetbeads.Theskirtwasfull-lengthandwhenshegaveinandtried
itonitswishedaroundherfeetwhenshewalkedbackandforthinfrontofthemirror.Shepairedit
mentally with her jet-bead necklace and earrings and black stiletto heels and reached for her credit
card.

Mostoftheshuttersweredownontheshopsbythetimethesaleswomanhadwrappedherdress

in tissue paper and slipped it into a glossy bag. Alex told herself she’d find time tomorrow to buy
somethingforherdate.

Sundaywasawrite-off,however.Shewoketofindrainslashingherwindowsandanurgentdeal

memoinherin-boxforoneofherclients.Bythetimeshe’dironedoutthecreasesitwaspastthree.
She did some mental math. By the time she’d showered and gotten herself to the shops it would be
pastfourandshe’dberacingfromracktorackinapanic.

She’dsimplyhavetowearsomethingfromherwardrobe.Herblacksilkpantswouldlookgreat

withherredcrossovertop,ortherewasalwaysherlittleblackdress,awardrobestaplethathadsaved
herbacononmanyanoccasion.

Sheleftworkearlythefollowingdaytohaveherhaircutandcolored.Sheshoweredwhenshe

gothome,carefultokeepherhairoutofthespray,thenpulledonhernewdress.Itlookedeverybit
asgoodasithadinthestoreandshetwirledinfrontofthemirror.WaituntilEthansawherinthis.

Shestilledandstaredatherreflection.
Ethan.Thatwaswhatthisdressandthehairdresserandhercarefulunderwearselectionwereall

about?Ethan?

Theanswerwasinhereyes.Sheturnedherbackonherself.
“You’reafool,AlexKnight.”
Somuchformovingon.
The smart thing to do would be to drag the dress off and spend the night in front of the TV

beforesheduganevendeeperholeforherself.Butcancelingwasoutofthequestion.Halftheother
partnerswouldbeatthefundraiser,alongwithanumberofherclients.Shehadtogo.

She rolled on black stay-up stockings with resigned determination, sprayed herself with her

favoriteDolceandGabbanascentandslippedsomecash,herlipstickandpowderandherhousekeys
intohereveningbag.

Onlythendidshecheckthemirroragain.Shelookedgood.Butitdidn’tmatter.Thebestdressin

theworldwasn’tgoingtomakeEthanthekindofmanwhobelievedinthesamethingsshedid.Ina
movie,maybe.Reallifedidn’tworklikethat.

HertaxidroppedheroutsidetheNationalGalleryonSt.KildaRoadrightonseveno’clock.She

slidfromthecabandtookamomenttostraightenherskirtbeforemakingherwayintothebuilding.
Asecurityguardcheckedhernameoffalist,thenawaiterofferedheraglassofchampagneasshe
madeherwayalongaredcarpettowardthehallwherethefunctionwasbeingheld.

She took a mouthful of her champagne, savoring the dry, yeasty tang—then glanced up and

lockedeyeswithEthan.

Her hand tightened on the glass. He looked…incredible. He always showed to advantage in a

suit,butinblacktiehewasdevastating.Maybeitwasthecontrastofthewhiteshirtagainsthisolive-
toned skin. Or perhaps it was the way the monochrome tones made his blue eyes seem even more
vividthanusual.

Shewasawareofhisgazetravelingfromherfacedownherbodytoherfeetthenupagain.
“Alex.Youlookamazing,”hesaid.
Shecouldseetheadmirationinhiseyes.Hewasn’tfakingit.Thedresshaddonethetrick.On

somelevel,hewantedher.

Neverhadavictoryfeltsohollow.
Sheforcedasmileandreacheduptodustsomenonexistentlintoffhislapel.
“Youlooklikeamess,asusual,”shesaid.
Itwasthesortofthingshe’dnormallydo.Thesortofthingshe’dnormallysay.
Hesmiled,thecornersofhiseyescrinkling.“Nice.”
“Howmanymarriageproposalshaveyouhadsofar?Orproposals,fullstop?”sheasked.
Shetookabigswallowfromherchampagne.Herchestwasaching.Shelethergazeslideover

hisshoulder,asthoughshedidn’tcarethathewasstandingsoclose.Asthoughshewasn’tawareof
everysinglelittlethingabouthim.

“You’rehilarious,”hesaid.
“Yourealizethatit’smydutytotherestofthewomenpresenttospillsomethingonyouatthe

firstopportunity,don’tyou?Justtoprotectthemfromthemselves.”

“StainmyArmaniandyou’llsuffertheconsequences.”
She’d run out of banter. For a moment she floundered, then she saw the wife of one of the

partnersstandingwithagroupinsidethehall.

“Look, there’s Joan. I’d better go say hello.” She didn’t give him a chance to respond as she

walkedawayfromhim.

She did her best to avoid him during the standing-around, drinks-and-canapés stage of the

evening, keeping a watch out of the corners of her eyes and moving on whenever she saw him
approaching.Shecouldn’tdoanythingaboutthefactthattheywereseatedatthesametableatdinner,
however,sincetheseatinghadbeenpreordainedbyoneoftheseniorpartners’wives.Thankheaven
for small mercies, Ethan was three people to her left and she didn’t have to endure the torture of
sittingnexttohimallevening,butshewasnonethelessintenselyawareofeverythinghedidandsaid.
Sheknewthatheaskedforacabernetinsteadofachardonnaytodrinkwithhismain.Sheheardhim
discussing a recent High Court finding with Keith Lancaster on his left. If she turned her head she
couldseehislong,eleganthands,busywithcutleryandhiswineglassanddescribinghiswordsinthe
air.

ShehadnorecallofwhatshesaidtoeitherGideonLambertonherleftorSammyMaster ’swife

onherrightthroughthestarterandmaincourse,butneitherofthemseemedtonoticeanythingamiss.
Shemanagedtochokedownhalfherpoachedchickenwithbabyvegetables,andforoncesheallowed
herself to break her one-drink-only rule for work functions. By the time dessert rolled around she

was feeling numb around the edges. Not the worst way to be, considering the revelations of the
evening.

ThewaiterhadjustdeliveredtheirdessertswhenGideonleanedtowardher.
“Would you mind swapping desserts?” he asked. “I have a bit of a thing for lemon meringue

pie.”

Gideon had scored the black forest gâteau. She hated cherries with a passion, but she didn’t

really want dessert anyway and Gideon was eyeing her lemon meringue pie as though it was made
fromsolidgold.

“Ofcourse,”shesaid.
ShewasabouttoswitchplateswhenEthanleanedforwardtoaddressGideon.
“Youcanhavemine,Gideon,”hesaid.“Iwashopingforthegâteaux.”
She looked at him directly for the first time since their brief conversation in the foyer. He

winkedatherandsherecalledthatshe’doncetoldhimthatshehatedcherries.

Andhe’dremembered.
Shereturnedhergazetoherplate.HadhehappenedtotuneintowhatGideonwassayingatthe

opportunemoment?Orwasitpossiblehe’dbeenasawareofherasshe’dbeenofhimallnight?

Itwassuchawillfullystupid,hopefulthingtowishfor.Shepushedbackherchairabruptly.She

needed some time out. And maybe a few glasses of water to counteract all the alcohol she’d been
drinking.

Shemadeherwayintothefoyerandretracedherstepsalongtheredcarpetuntilshefoundthe

ladies’roomnearthefrontentrance.

She pushed through the door. The space was blissfully quiet and empty after the noise of a

thousandpeopleeatingandtalkingandlaughingatonce.

Shestoodintheopenspacebetweenthecubiclesandthesinksandclosedhereyesandsimply

concentratedonbreathingforafewminutes.In,out.In,out.

God,Iwantthisnighttobeover.
She opened her eyes. She had a date with Daniel Lowe tomorrow night, and sometime before

thenshewasgoingtohavetodecidewhethertokeepitnowthatshe’dstoppedlyingtoherselfand
acknowledgedherownfeelings.

ShewasinlovewithEthan.
Notexactlyanewsflash.She’dseenitcoming,afterall.Triedtoavoidit.Andyethereshewas.
Sheeyedherselfinthemirror.Therewasnothingshecoulddoaboutit.Notnow,afterthefact.

She’dfallenforEthan.Itwasdone.Nowshehadtobegintheslowandpainfulprocessofgettingover
him.

Thewomaninthemirrorsmiled,butitwasnotahappysmile.
Howwasshesupposedtoworkwithhim,havelunchwithhim,playracquetballwithhimwhen

shelovedhim?Howwasshesupposedtonotgiveherfeelingsawaywitheverywordandgestureand
glance?Howwasshesupposedtoendurebeingsocloseandyetnotcloseenough?

You’vesurvivedworse.
Shehad.Ofcourseshehad.Andshe’dsurvivethis,becausethatwaswhatshedid.
Butjustonce,itwouldhavebeennice—
Shedidn’tletherselffinishthethought.Lifewasn’taboutWhatIfs.Asshe’doncesaidtoEthan,

lifewasaboutwhatyouhad,andwhatyoucouldget,andwhatyoucoulddowithit.Andsheknew
withoutaskingthatshecouldn’thaveEthan.Hewasthemostun-have-ablemansheknew.

Thedoortothebathroomswungopenandatrioofwomenentered,theirhighheelsclickingon

thetiledfloor.Alexexchangedfriendlysmileswiththemassheheadedforthedoor.

Anotherhourorsoandshecouldgohome.

Thank.God.

THAN HAD BEEN

agoodboy.He’dkepthisdistancefromAlexallweek.Anytimethey’drunintoeach

otherinthekitchenettehe’dtalkedaboutworkandtheweatherandtheeconomy.Acoupleoftimes
they’d talked about something Jamie or Tim had said or done. Not once had Ethan asked about her
upcomingdate.Eventhoughthethoughtofhergoingoutwithsomeotherguywasburningaholein
hisgut.

Now, he watched as she returned to the table. She looked…amazing. Sleek and feminine and

sexy.She’dwornherhairupandeverytimeshemovedherheadtheswayofherearringsdrewhis
eyetotheelegantlineofherneck.

Inthegoodolddays,pre-couch,he’dhaveteasedheraboutdressingsodangerouslyforaHeart

Foundationevent,ofallthings.He’dhavetoldhershewasawalkingcardiacarrestwaitingtohappen,
thenhe’dhavespenthalfthenightmakingherlaughandtalkingtoherandsimplyenjoyingher.

Butthey’dlosttheeaseintheirrelationshipsincethey’dsleptwitheachother.
Hewatchedheroutofthecornersofhiseyesastheydrankcoffeeandthepartyfinallybeganto

breakupforsomepost-dinnertable-hoppingandchat.ShesaidsomethingtoKeithLancaster,smiled,
thenstood.Thenshecollectedhersmalleveningbagandstartedweavingherwaytowardtheexit.

He was on his feet before he could even think about it. Muttering a hasty excuse to his dinner

companions,hefollowedAlexintothecrowd.

Hedidn’tknowwhyhewasfollowingher,orwhathewasgoingtosaytoherwhenhecaughtup

withher.Allheknewwasthathedidn’twanttogohometonightwithouthavingspentsometimewith
her.

ShelengthenedherstridewhenshelefttheGreatHall.Heduckedaroundawaiterandfollowed

herontotheredcarpet.

“Alex.”
Sheglancedoverhershoulder,thenslowedhersteps.
“Ethan.”
“You’renotgoinghome?”
“Busted.Myfeetarekillingme.Andwe’vegotworktomorrow.”
“It’searlydaysyet.Whydon’twegofindsomeplacewheretheywon’tmindyoubeingbarefoot

whilewehaveanightcap?”

The Southbank precinct was just around the corner. There were several good bars and

restaurantstheretheycouldchoosefrom.

“Thanks,butIwasreallyhopingforanearlynight.”
“Right.You’vegotyourbigdatetomorrownight,haven’tyou?”
“That’stheone.Candidatenumberone.”
Don’tsayanotherword.Shutyourmouthandbackaway.
“Where’shetakingyou?”heasked.
“VueduMonde.”
“Wow.Pullingoutallthestops.”
“I guess. Listen, I want to try to catch a cab before there’s a queue.” She gestured toward the

foyerandtookastepawayfromhim.

“I’llwalkyou.”
Theyresumedwalkingtowardtheentrance.
“So,what’sthisguydoagain?”heasked.

“Um,he’sadoctor.Agastroenterologist.”
“Agutman.”
“Yep.”
Theypushedthroughthedoorsintothecoldnightair.Alexglancedaroundforataxiline,her

armscrossedagainstthecold.

“So,letmeguess.HedrivesaBMW,hasahouseinKew,lunchesattheMelbourneClub?”He

knewheshouldstop,buthecouldn’thelphimself.Heneededtoknow.

“Idon’tknow.I’llhavetoaskhimtomorrownight.Ithoughttherewasataxistandaroundhere

somewhere?”

Shewasrubbingherarmsnow,hershouldershunched.
“Here.”Heshruggedoutofhisjacket.
“Oh,no.Icouldn’t.Thenyou’llbecold.”
“I’mtougherthanyou.”
Beforeshecouldprotestagainhedroppedhisjacketaroundhershoulders.Sheduckedherhead

foramoment,thenshepulledtheedgesofhisjacketcloserassheliftedherfaceandmethiseyes.

“Thanks.”
Thestreetlightstruckrednotesinherhair.Shewaswearingadifferentperfumefromherusual,

somethingheavierwithmoremusk.Hisgazefollowedthelineofherneck,thenhercheek.Shewas
beautifulandfine—andshewasgoingoutwithanothermantomorrownight.Adoctor.Aguywho’d
wooed her with phone calls and emails and would finish the job with a meal at Melbourne’s most
acclaimedrestaurant.

“He’snotgoodenoughforyou,youknow.”
Alexlookedathim,confusioninhereyes.“Who?”
“Thegutdoctor.”
“Youhaven’tevenmethimyet.”
“Idon’tneedtomeethim.”
Shestaredathimforabeat.Thenhergazeslidoverhisshoulderandshesteppedoutintothe

streetandraisedherhand.Ataxiswervedtothecurb.Sheturnedtofacehim,shrugginghiscoatoff.

“Keepit,”hesaidwhensheofferedittohim.
“I’mfinenow,”shesaid,armstillextended.
“Give it back to me at work tomorrow.” He took a step backward. For some reason he really

wantedhertogohomeinhisjacket.

“Allright.Thankyou.”Shewalkedtothecabandslidintothebackseat.Shedidn’tputhiscoat

backon,henoted.Instead,shedrapeditacrossherlap.Andshedidn’tlookbackasthetaxipulledout
intothetraffic.

Itwasonlywhenthetaxiwaslonggonethatherealizedhewasstaringatnothingandthatitwas

damnedcold.

He shouldn’t have said anything about her date. He shouldn’t have asked anything, and he

definitelyshouldn’thavesaidthatthingabouttheguynotbeinggoodenoughforher.

She wanted a family. She believed in happy-ever-after. Next time the subject of Mr. Perfect the

Wonder Healer came up, he’d bite his tongue. If it killed him. He’d already made his decision. He
simplyhadtosticktoit.

LEXCANCELEDHERDATE

withDanielLowefirstthingthefollowingmorning.Shetoldherselfsheshould

go, that he might be a lovely man and she’d be missing out, but she knew that going out with him

wouldbetantamount to leading him on. She had no business going out with another man when she
wasinlovewithEthan.

Shehadtroublefocusingfortherestoftheday.Forthefirsttimeinmany,manyyears,shefelt

overwhelmed by life. She’d always been a planner, a doer, but there was nothing to do when you
lovedsomeonewhowasoutofreach.

Oh, she could probably seduce Ethan again if she wanted to. She was grown up enough and

sophisticated enough to create a situation where she could tempt him and he’d allow himself to be
tempted.She’dseentheadmirationanddesireinhiseyeslastnight.Ifsheplayedhercardsright,she
mightevenbeabletonegotiatesomesortofrelationshipwithhim,thekindofthingthatsheassumed
heenjoyedwithhisotherwomen—nostrings,sex,abitofcompanionship.

No children. No love. No sense that he belonged to her and she belonged to him. None of the

thingsthatAlexwantedfromarelationship.

Shewouldn’tdoittoherself,eventhoughapartofherwastempted.Eventhoughalittlevoicein

thebackofherheadwhisperedthatmaybe,ifshebidedhertime,hemightchange.

She’dplayedthatgamebefore,forsevenyears.She’dwaitedandlovedandhopedandyethere

shewas,nearlythirty-nine,onherown,childless.

Notagain.Ican’tdoitagain.Ican’tliveonhopeanymore.
Itwassuchawaste.Ethanwasagoodman.Hehadalotoflovetogive—itwasevidentinevery

interaction he had with his brother and sister-in-law and nephews. And he’d been so attentive and
thoughtful and generous with her. He would have made a great father, and, once upon a time, an
incrediblehusband.Buthismarriagehadbrokensomethingfundamentalinhim.

Theincrediblysadthingwasthatshesuspectedhewaslonely.Hecouldsurroundhimselfwith

designer furniture and clothes and buy as many beautiful, sleek cars as he liked but none of it was
goingtomakeupforthefactthathewouldonlyeverexperiencefamilylifesecondhandthroughhis
brother. She’d seen him with those kids, and she’d seen the way he looked at Kay and Derek. He
wantedthepicket-fencedream.Hesimplydidn’tbelieveinitanymore.

She left work early but didn’t go straight home. Instead, she went to Albert Park Lake and

slipped off her pumps and put on her running shoes and walked around and around until the
streetlights came on. Then she went home and poured herself a huge glass of wine and sat on her
balcony,staringoutattheworld.Itwascoldoutandafterawhileshewentbackinsideandshrugged
intoEthan’stuxedojacket.Sheknewitwaspathetic—theworstkindofteenage,maudlindroopiness—
but she couldn’t help herself. She sat on her balcony with her knees drawn to her chest, her heels
restingonthefrontoftheseat,thejacketwrappedaroundasmuchofherasitwouldcover.

SheinhaledthesmellofEthanandlookedoutatthebig,noisycityanddrankherwine.
Maybeshe’dtakealeaveofabsenceandgoonaholiday,agoodlongone.She’dalwayswanted

toreturntoFranceandexploreSpain.MaybeshecouldflytoParisandhireacaranddrivearound.It
wouldbesummerinthenorthernhemisphere.Thewindwouldbewarminsteadofcold.Shewouldn’t
havetowakeupeverydayandknowthatshemightseeEthanatworkandthatifshedid,she’dhaveto
smile and laugh and pretend nothing had changed between them and that if she didn’t she would be
miserableandwonderingandherdaywouldbethatlittlebitlessbrightandlessalive….

Sherestedherforeheadonherkneesandhuggedherselftightly.Shewanted…somuch.Shehad

somuchlonginginsideher.Anditwasallpointless.

Iloveyou,EthanStone.ButIwishIdidn’t.Ireally,reallywishIdidn’t.

CHAPTERNINE

T HANCHECKEDT HET IME

again.Itwasnearlyeleven.Wasshehomeyet?OrwasDoctorSmoothytaking

hersomewhereforanightcap?Worse,washetakingherbacktohisplacesohecould—

Someonenudgedhisfootandheglanceduptofindhisbrotherstandingoverhim.
“Ineedtogotobed.Andyouneedtogohome.”
Ethanopenedhismouthtocomplainthatthemoviewasn’tfinishedyetthenregisteredtheblank

TVscreenanduttersilence.

“Whendidthemoviefinish?”heasked.
“Abouthalfanhourago.Youweretoobusybroodingtonotice.”
“I wasn’t brooding. I’ve got a big case on at the moment. I was going over some stuff in my

head.”

“You’vebeenhunchedoverlikethehumanquestionmarkallnight.You’vebarelysaidawordto

thekids.DoyouknowwhatTimsaidbeforehewenttobed?”

Ethanhadafeelinghewasn’tgoingtolikeit,whateveritwas.Timcouldbeakeenobserverof

humanitywhenhewantedtobe.Plusthekidhadapithytongue.“What?”

“He said you reminded him of the sad orangutan we saw at the zoo last week. The one who

lookedlikeheshouldn’tbeallowednearloadedweapons.”

“TellTimthanksfromme.”Ethanstoodandreachedforhiscoat.“I’llgetoutofyourhair.”
Derek growled in the back of his throat. “Or you could talk to me about whatever it is that’s

goingon.”

“Nothing’sgoingon.”
KaysteppedforwardandstoodonhertiptoestokissEthangood-night.
“I’llleaveyoutwobigbullstolockhorns.”
“We’renotlockinganything.I’mgoinghome,”Ethansaid.
“Eitherway.”KaygaveDerek’sarmasqueezeasshewalkedpastanddisappearedthroughthe

doortothebedrooms.

Ethanduginhispocketforhiscarkeys.“Sorryforkeepingyouup.AndI’llmakeituptothe

kidsnexttime.”

“ThisisaboutAlex,right?”
“Derek,it’sallright,youdon’tneedtoplayDr.Phil.I’llseeyounextweek,okay?”
“Man,youdrivemenutswhenyoubrushmeofflikethat.DiditeveroccurtoyouthatImightbe

worriedaboutyou?”

Ethanpausedintheactofpullingonhisjacket.Derekwasserious,hisfacecreasedwithconcern

andfrustration.

Ethanstraightenedhiscollar.“Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutme.”
“Yeah?Youknowwhatthisremindsmeof?ThetimeafterCassieleft.”
Ethan bristled, his pride stung. He’d been a mess when Cassie had dropped her bombshell. He

was more than happy to acknowledge that. He’d hit rock bottom so hard he’d never thought he’d
comeupagain.

WhateverwasgoingonwithAlex,itwasn’tanythingneartheintensityofthosedarkdays.They

weren’tmarried,forstarters,andAlexhadn’tmadepromisestohim.Hehadn’twovenallhisvisions
ofthefuturearoundherandtheideaofthetwoofthemgrowingoldtogether.He’dkepthisdistance,
keptthingsniceandcleanbetweenthem.

Exceptforthatonenightwhenhe’dkissedherandshe’dkissedhimback.
Butprettysooneventhatwouldbeafadedmemory.Asforthefactthathefeltlikerippingthe

headoffsomeoneeverytimehethoughtaboutAlexbeingoutwithanotherguy…thatwouldpass,too.

“Thisisnothinglikethat.”
“You can’t give up on life because you fouled on the first ball, Ethan. You’ve got to keep

sluggingaway.”

“I haven’t given up on anything.” It pissed him off that his brother had reduced eight years of

marriage—theintimatedetailsofwhichheknewnothingabout—downtoasportinganalogy.

“Whatdoyoucalldatingastringofwomenwhomeannothingtoyouandthenalmostgetting

into some stupid co-parenting arrangement with a woman you’re clearly half-gone on because you
haven’tgottheballstostepuptotheplateagain?”

Ethanstilled.Foramomentheandhisbrothereyedeachothersilently.
Therewerethingshecouldtellhisbrother,justifications,explanations.Instead,heturnedaway.

“Thanksforthemovie.”

“Ethan.”
Hecouldheartheregretinhisbrother ’svoicebuthekeptwalking.Hepushedthespeedlimitall

thewayhome,angeranduneasedogginghim.

It didn’t help that his brother was right. Fear was what was holding him back where Alex was

concerned. Fear and hard-earned caution. After what Cassie did, after the way his marriage had
crumbled around his ears… How could he ever put so much faith in another human being again?
Howcouldheevertrustthatwhatwassaidwasrealandtrueandsincere?

Andifhisownexperiencesweren’tenough,therewerethemanysmall,sordiddisappointments

andbetrayalshesawinhisofficeonadailybasistoaddweighttohisargument.

HemightbeinlovewithAlex.Hemightwantherandmissherandthinkaboutherallthetime.

But he simply wasn’t up for the risk. He’d had to put himself together again piece by piece after
Cassiehadbrokenhim.

So,yeah,hisbrotherwasright.Hewasacoward.Tooafraidtoreachoutforwhathewanted.So

afraid—hehithissteeringwheelwiththeheelofhishandandswore—soafraidthathe’dsatonhis
brother ’scouchallnightwhileshe’dbeenoutmeetinganotherman.Amanshemightfallinlovewith
andmarry.Amanwhomightbetheonetomakeherhappyandgiveherthebabiesandthelifeshe
deserved.

Hepulledovertothesideoftheroadwithascreechoftires.Hebarelygotoutofthecarbefore

whatlittlehe’deatenfordinnerburneditswayupthebackofhisthroat.

He stood with his arms braced on his legs for a long moment. Then he spat into the gutter.

Feelingaboutamillionyearsold,heclimbedbackintohiscar.

LEX ALMOST CANCELED

their racquetball game Wednesday night—it was her week for canceling things,

afterall—butshewantedtoseeEthan.Whichwasonaparwithwearinghistuxedojacketforhalfthe
evening—patheticandneedyanddestinedtogethernowhere.

As she pulled on her workout gear in the change room at the gym she tried to remember if

loving and losing Jacob had been this painful. Maybe time had faded her memories but she didn’t

think so. She’d done her level best and tried everything in her power to make things work. When
they’d finally parted ways she’d at least had the satisfaction of knowing that she’d given it her best
shot. With Ethan, there had been no shot. The gun had barely made it out of the holster. There had
beenthebriefillusionofsomething—afictioncreatedbytheiragreementtotrytoco-parentababy—
thentherehadbeenthatonenight.Afterthat,nothingbutthepainfulrealizationthatshehadfallenin
lovewiththewrongmanyetagain.

Sheshoulderedhergymbag,grabbedherracquetandleftthechangerooms.Herheartpumped

outaquickdouble-beatassheapproachedtheirregularcourt.Shecurledherfingersaroundthecool
metalofthedoorhandle,tookadeepbreathandenteredthecourt.

He was stretching his legs out against the wall. She’d only seen him once today in passing as

theybothgrabbedcoffeesbetweenclients.They’dbarelyhadthetimetoexchangegreetingsbefore
she’dhadtoraceoff.ShestoleamomenttoadmirethepullofhisdarknavyT-shirtacrosshisbroad
shouldersandthesnugfitofhisshorts.Thensheclearedherthroat.

“Hey.”
Heglancedoverhisshoulder.“Hey.”
Shethrewherbagbesidehisinthecorner.
“Howdidyourdaygo?”sheasked.
“So-so.Howaboutyou?”
“Yeah,youknow.Theusual.”
Normallytheywereknee-deepinmutualinsultsbynow.Shewrackedherbrainfromsomething

tosay.

“Hopeyou’rereadyformetowipethefloorwithyou,PrettyMan,”shesaid.
Hesmiledfaintlybutdidn’tsayanything.
Shegrabbedherracquetandtookuppositiononthecourt.Ethanfollowedsuit.
“Preparetofeelthepain,”shesaid.
“You’reperkytoday.Hadagoodnightlastnight,didwe?”
She glanced at him. His expression was unreadable. She pretended to examine the grip on her

racquet.Nowaywasshetellinghimshecanceledherdate.Shemanufacturedacasualshrug.

“Itwasnice.”
“Nice. What does that mean?” He bounced one of the balls and hit it at the wall so they could

warmupwithafewpracticeshots.

Shereturnedtheshot.“ItmeansIhadagoodtime,”shelied.
Ethancaughttheballonthefullandsentitbackather.“Soareyougoingtoseehimagain?”
Shemissedtheshotandfollowedtheballintothecornertocollectit.“You’refullofquestions

tonight.”

Heshrugged.“Justbeingafriend.Soareyougoingtoseehimagainornot?”
“Wehaven’tdecidedyet.”
“Soitdidn’tgothatgreatthen?”
She didn’t know what to say to make him let it go. “Can we talk about something else? Head

lice?Male-patternbaldness?Betteryet,canwejustplay?”

“Sure.”
Heservedandtheyracedaroundthecourtuntilshecaughthimwithashort,sharpcornershot.
“So,wasIrightabouttheBMWandthehouseinKew?”Ethanaskedasshecollectedtheballand

preparedtoservethenextpoint.

“That’saprettyinsultingquestion,”shesaid,frowning.
“Why?”
“BecauseitimpliesIwenthomewithhimonthefirstdate.”

“Didyou?”
Whoa.Wherethehellhadthatcomefrom?
Ifitwasanyothermanshe’dascribehisquestionsandveiledhostilitytojealousy.Butthiswas

Ethanandhe’dalreadymadehisfeelingswhereshewasconcernedmorethanclear.

Shefacedhim,handsonherhips.“What’sgoingon,Ethan?”
Hewassilentforalongbeat.Finallyhemethereyes,hisgazeintense.“WhatifIaskedyounot

toseehimagain?”

Shestilled.Suddenlyitfeltasthoughalltheoxygenhadbeensuckedoutoftheroom.
Washesayingwhatshethoughthewassaying?Allthehoursshe’dsatinhistuxedojacketlast

night,breathinginhissmellandtellingherselfshecouldneverhavehim—hadshebeenwrong?Had
sheletherexperiencewithJacobtaintherjudgment?

ShetookasteptowardEthan.“Why?”sheasked,nevertakinghereyesfromhisface.Itfeltlike

themostimportantquestionofherlife.“Whywouldyouaskmetodothat?”

“Youknowwhy.”
“No,Ethan,Idon’t.Ihavenobloodyideaaboutanythingwhenitcomestoyou.Ihavenoidea

howyoufeelaboutme,orwhatyouwantoranything.”

Hervoicewaveredonthefinalwordsbutsheswallowedthewashofemotionatthebackofher

throat.

“How about this? It nearly drove me nuts last night knowing you were out with another guy. I

dream about you every night. I can’t stop thinking about you. I spend half the day coming up with
excusestodropbyyouroffice.WhenIsawyouatthefundraisertheothernightIwantedtothrowyou
over my shoulder and take you home. Does that clear anything up for you?” Ethan’s face was
anguished,hisbodyrigidwithtension.

Shewassorelieved,sooverwhelmedshefeltdizzy.Ethancaredforher.Maybeheevenloved

her.Andhewasdeclaringhimself,whichmeant—

Shebentherkneesandsatonthefloorbeforeshefelldown.
“Alex…”Hewasinstantlyatherside,crouchingwithhishandonherback.“Areyouallright?”
She lifted her face to him. “I thought it was just sex. Or that maybe you cared but it wouldn’t

makeadifferencebecauseofwhathappenedwithyourdivorce.Ithoughtwedidn’tstandachance.”

Therewasaflickerofsomethingbehindhiseyesbutshebarelyregistereditasshereachedout

togriphisforearm,herfingerswrappingaroundthestrongmuscles.

“Ethan,Iloveyou.AndIdidn’tgoonthatdatelastnight.Icouldn’t,notwhenmyheadisfullof

you.”

Heclosedhiseyesforalongmoment.Whenheopenedthemagaintherewassomuchheatand

needandwantinthemthatshealmostlaughedoutloud.Helovedher.EthanStonelovedher.She’d
convinced herself that her love for him was a lost cause, that he would never, ever want the same
thingsthatshewanted,andyethelovedher.

Sheusedhergriponhisarmtopullhimcloser.Theykissed,ahard,determined,ferventkiss,

his hands gripping her shoulders to pull her closer, hers tightening around his forearm as she
strainedtowardhim.

He loved her. Ethan Stone, serial womanizer, Mr. Anti-Commitment, loved her. A bubble of

reliefandjoyroseinsideherandshebroketheirkisstoreleaseitintheformofalaugh.

“My God, Ethan, if you only knew how pathetic I’ve been over you. Mooning around like a

teenager…”

He kissed her again. It didn’t take long for things to get heated between them. She wanted to

touch his skin, to feel all of him against all of her. She needed the reassurance, the confirmation.
Somehowsheendedupinhislap,herlegsstraddlinghiswaist,hishandsupherT-shirtashecaressed

herbreasts.

Shecouldfeelhiserectionpressingagainsther.Shebroketheirkissanddrewherheadbacka

littlesoshecouldlookhimintheeyes.

“Let’sgobacktoyourplace.Ormyplace.Hell,let’sgoouttothebackseatofmycar,”shesaid,

abiggrinonherface.Shefeltasthoughshehadchampagneinherveinsinsteadofblood,asthough
shewouldfloattotheceilingifheletgoofher.

Ethanlovedher.Helovedher.
Shestartedtoslideoutofhislapbuthishandstightenedonherwaist.
“Alex.Wait.There’ssomethingIneedtosaytoyoufirst.”
Hesoundedveryserious.Shesettledbackintohislap.
“Okay.”
Shelookedathim,waiting.Hisgazesearchedherface,thenhereachedouttotuckastrandof

hairbehindherear.

“Alex,Icareforyouenormously.Ithinkyou’reawomaninamillion.There’snothingIwant

morethantogohomewithyourightnowandgetyounaked.Iwanttohavearelationshipwithyou,
butIneedyoutoknowthatIdon’teverwanttomarryagain.”

She blinked, the smile freezing on her face. “Okay. So…what, we live together? Is that what

you’resuggesting?”

Thensheregisteredtheotherthinghe’dsaid.Or,moreaccurately,thethinghehadn’tsaid.Icare

foryouenormously.NotIloveyou.

“Ithinkweshouldplayitbyear.You’vegotyourplace,I’vegotmine.Wecouldseehowthings

workout.ButI’dbehappytotryforababystraightaway.Iknowthat’ssomethingyouwantandthat
we’reontheclock.Andwe’vealreadyhammeredoutthebasicsofaco-parentingagreement,soif
thingsdidn’tworkout—”

She held up her hand. “Wait a minute. You’re already thinking about the end of things before

we’veevenstarted…?”

She was still sitting in his lap. It suddenly seemed exactly the wrong place to be. She slid

awkwardlyoutofhislapandmovedsothatshewassittingtoonesideofhim,onekneedrawntoher
chest.

Alltheheatofpassionandneedandtriumphhadturnedclammyonherskin.
“Let me get this straight,” she said. Because it was becoming more and more clear to her that

theywerenotonthesamepage.Notbyalongshot.“You’rehappytohaveachildwithme,butyou
don’twanttomarrymeorlivewithme.Andyoucareforme.AmIgettingthisright?”

“Alex—”Hesighedandloweredhishead,pressinghisfingersintohisforeheadforabeat.Then

heliftedhisheadagain.“Thisisreally…IneverthoughtI’dbeinthisplaceagain.ThatI’dfeelthis
wayaboutanotherwoman.Iwanttobewithyou,Ido.Butnotmarriage.”

“Doyouloveme?”Ithurthersomewhereinsidetohavetoask.Herpride,probably.Latershe

couldlashherselfforbeingsoweak.

“Yes.Yes,Iloveyou,Alex.”
Thewordswerehardforhimtosay.
She shook her head. “But you don’t want to, do you? You don’t want any of this.” She pushed

herselftoherfeetandstrodeforthecorner.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going home. Alone. Because I’m an idiot. A willfully

delusionalidiotwhoapparentlystillbelievesinfairytales.”Herthroatandchestweretight.

Ethanwasstandingbehindherwhensheturnedwithherbagandracquetinhand.
“Alex. Let’s talk about this,” he said, stepping forward with his arms wide as though he was

goingtoembraceher.Therewaspaininhiseyesandaworldofdoubtbutshewasdealingwithher
ownpainrightnow.

She warded him off with her racquet. “There’s nothing to talk about. You know what I want,

Ethan.Iwantafamily.IwantamanwholovesmethewayIlovehim.Iwant—”Hervoicebrokeand
shetookadeep,fiercebreathandforcedherselftocontinue.“Iwantthewholeloaf,Ethan,andyou
offeredmehalfofone.Andyouknowwhattheworstthingis?There’sapartofmethatwantstotake
iteventhoughIknowitwouldonlymakememiserableandsadandthatI’dprobablywinduphating
you.”

Shedodgedaroundhimbuthesteppedinherpath.
“Alex,Iloveyou.Ido.Ifyou’lljustlistentome—”
“No,Iwon’t.Ican’t.Iwon’tletyouconvinceme.Ideservemore,Ethan.I’veputupwithhalfa

loaf all my life. And I deserve more from the man who loves me. I don’t know the details of your
marriageandyourdivorcebecauseyou’venevertrustedmewiththem,butI’mnotCassie,Ethan.I’m
me,andIwon’tpaythepriceforhersins.Ideservemore.”

Hewasverypale.“IfIcouldgiveyouwhatyouwanted,Iwould,Alex,believeme.”
Theemptinessinhiseyes…
“Iknow.Andthat’sthesaddestthingofall.”
Shelefthimstandingonthecourt.Theneedtocrywaslikeagiant’shandpressingdownonher

chestasshemadeherwaythroughthegymandouttohercar.Sherefusedtogivein.Sheneededto
staystrong.Sheneededtoclingtoherresolvebecauseshewasterrifiedthatifsheletherselffeelthe
painandgaveherselfovertohergriefshewouldbetemptedtotakethecrumbsfromEthan’stable.

Soshekeptherheadhighandhereyesdryasshegotinhercaranddrovehome.Andinside,she

diedalittle.

THAN DIDN’T KNOW

where to go so he went home. All he could think about was Alex. The look on her

facewhenshetoldhimshedeservedmore.Thefeelofherinhisarms.Thetasteofheronhislips.
Thestraight,surelineofherspineasshewalkedawayfromhim.

Hepacedhisapartment,agitated,hisgutchurning.
Shewasright.Heknewshewasright.Whathe’dofferedherwasamilliontimeslessthanshe

deserved.Itwasselfishandself-servinganditwasallhehad.

Herakedhishandsthroughhishairandsatonthecouch,hisfingertipsdiggingintohisscalpas

thoughthepressurecouldforcehisbraintoforgetthepastandgrabaholdofAlexandallthatshe
represented.Love,hope,achancetodoitrightthesecondtimearound.

Hisheadfeltasthoughitwasgoingtoexplode.Hewanted,andhewasscared.Thetwowarred

withinhim,makinghisgutchurnandhischesthurt.

He had no idea how long he’d been sitting on the couch when the intercom buzzed. His first

instinct was to ignore it—he was hardly good company right now—then it occurred to him that it
mightbeAlex.Thatmaybeshe’dreconsideredandwaspreparedtogivehimachancetoexplain.

Itwasaflimsyhopeanditdiedthesecondheheardhisbrother ’svoice.
“Ethan.Iwasonmywayhome.Buzzmeup.”
“I’minthemiddleofsomething.”
“Itwon’ttakelong.Iwanttoapologizeforlastnight.Iwaswayoutofline—”
“Youwereright.Butitdoesn’tmatter.I’llcallyoulater.”
He walked away from the intercom, even though it buzzed three more times. He was in the

kitchenpouringhimselfaheftyScotchwhentherewasaknockathisdoor.

Noprizesforguessingwhoitwas.Derekhadobviouslyenteredwithoneoftheothertenants,

thesametrickhe’dusedatAlex’sbuilding.

Heconsiderednotansweringbuttheknockingwasalreadygettinglouder.
HisbrotherstartedyellingasEthanwasapproachingthedoor.“I’mnotbuggeringoffuntilI’ve

spokentoyou,soyoumightaswellopenthe—”

Ethanswungthedooropen.
“—door.”
Hisbrotherstaredathim,thenattheglassofScotchinhishand.
“What happened?” Derek asked, pushing his way past Ethan and dropping his briefcase to the

floornearthehalltable.

“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“Wow.WherehaveIheardthatbefore?”Derekstrodeintothelivingroom,shruggingoutofhis

suitjacketandlooseninghistie.

Ethan found him in the kitchen, pouring himself a more conservative Scotch. He met his

brother ’seyesandtookadeepbreath.

“IappreciatetheconcernbutI’mfine,”hesaid.
Something warm and wet fell onto his hand. He looked down at it. It took him a moment to

understandthathewascrying.Heputdownhisglass.

“Jesus,”Dereksaid,andthenhisbrother ’sarmswereclosingaroundhimandhewasbeingheld

tightlyandhecouldn’tkeeptherestofthetearsfromfalling.

HefoughtthemeverystepofthewayuntilDerekgavehimashake.
“Cry,youbigdickhead.Itwon’tkillyou.”
Ethanturnedhisfaceintohisbrother ’sshoulderandgrippedhisshouldershard.Fiveyearsof

shameandangerandhurtsoakedintohisbrother ’sRalphLaurenshirtandstillhisbrotherdidn’tlet
himgo.OnlywhenEthansniffedmightilyandtriedtobreakawaydidhisbrotherreleasehisgrip.

Ethanavoidedhiseyes,concentratingongrabbingsomepapertowelfrombeneaththesink.
“ThisisaboutCassie,”Derekguessed.
“And Alex.” Ethan wiped his cheeks and blew his nose. Only then did he look directly at his

brotheragain.“Sorryaboutyourshirt.”

“Screwtheshirt.Talktome.”
Ethan crumpled the paper towel in his hand until it was a tight ball within his fist. He hated

talkingabout this stuff.Small wonder, then,that he never had.That he’d nevertold anyone the full,
ugly truth of his divorce. He tried to find a place to start, but there was so much shame and anger
attachedtothememoriesthathecouldn’tthinkpastit.

“Somethinghappenedtoday.Tellmeaboutthat,”Dereksaid.
“Wewereplayingracquetball.IaskedAlexaboutherdate—”
“Alexisdatingsomeoneelse?Andyouletthathappen?”
Ethanrubbedthebridgeofhisnose.“Yeah,Idid,”hesaidheavily.
“Sowhathappened?”
“IaskedherwhatshewoulddoifIaskedhernottoseetheguyagain.Andshewantedtoknow

why.SoItoldherthatIwascrazyabouther.”

“Aboutfreakingtime.Whatdidshesay?”
“She told me that she loves me.” The memory made his stomach pinch. The look on her face

when she’d said it. The way she’d laughed… For a few seconds he’d made her happy. Then he’d
screweditallupagainbecausehedidn’thavethegutstofollowthrough.

“Thatmusthavefreakedyouout.”
Ethanlookedupsharply.Hisbrothershrugged.

“Prettyconfronting,gettingthethingyouwantwhenyou’renotsureyouwantit.”
EthanreachedforhisScotchandswallowedagenerousmouthful.“Yeah.”
“Sohowdidyouscrewitup?”Derekasked.
Ethansmiledthinly.“ItoldherIdidn’twanttogetmarriedagain.”
“Ouch.”
“ThensheaskedifImeantweshouldjustlivetogether,andItoldherweshouldseehowitgoes,

keepourownplaces…”

Derekwinced.“Atwhichpointshetoreyouanewone.”
“At which point she told me that she wasn’t Cassie and that she deserved better. And then she

walked.AndIlethergobecauseI’mafreakingpussy.”

Hecouldheartheself-pityandcontemptinhisownvoicebuthewaspowerlesstostopit.
TherewasalongpausebeforeDerekresponded.“Iknowalotofguyswhoaredivorced.Hell,

meandKayjokeallthetimeaboutbeingeachother ’sstarterspouse.Mostofthoseguysarepissed
for a few months, maybe a year, then they get back on the wagon, and more than half of them are
marriedagainwithintwoyears.Butnotyou.”

“No.”
“Iknowyouseealotofcrappymarriageswithyourwork,butit’snotthat,isit?”Dereksaid.
“No.”Jesus,hewisheditwas.Hetookanotherswallowofhisdrink.Thenhetookadeepbreath.

“Thoseotherguys,yourfriends.Someofthemprobablycheatedontheirwives.Ormaybetheyhad
money troubles and they fought about it too much, or maybe she met someone else or maybe they
bothrealizedtheyjustdidn’thavewhatittooktogothedistance.CassieandI…Weweretogetherfor
fouryearsbeforeIproposedtoher.Icanstillrememberthedaywemet—IwenttomyfirstEthics
classandshewasstandingtalkingtosomeone.Itookonelookatherandfellforheronthespot.We
moved in with each other after a month and we never looked back. I never had a doubt that we’d
marryandhavekidsandtherestofit.

“That day when I came home from work and Cassie told me she wanted a divorce…” He

stopped,shookhishead.Thiswashard.Notonlythetellingofit,buttheremembering.He’ddonehis
damnedesttoputitbehindhim.Tomoveon.Butitwasallwashingoverhimagain.

Thewayshe’dbeensittingatthekitchentablewhenhecamein,acrispwhitebusinessenvelope

onthetableinfrontofher.Thewayshe’dlookedathim,asthoughhewasastranger.No,worse—as
though he was one of her clients. Someone she had to deal with because it was her job. Then he’d
noticedtheovernightbagagainstthewallandhe’dunderstoodthatsomethingwasvery,verywrong.

“Weneedtotalk,”she’dsaid.
Thenshe’dslidtheenvelopeacrossthetableandtoldhimthatshewantedadivorce.She’dhad

papers drawn up. She didn’t want anything of his but she wanted half of the house proceeds once it
was sold and he was welcome to all their furniture. Once the mandatory year of separation was up
theycouldfileforthedecreeofdissolutionandsignsomepapersandthatwouldbeit.Twelveyears
downthetubes.

“I don’t understand,” he’d said. They’d had some minor spats, but nothing that came close to

being grounds for divorce. He loved her. She was his wife. They were in this thing together. “If
you’reunhappy,we’llgetcounseling.Whateverittakes.Tellmewhat’swrongandI’llfixit.We’llfix
it.”

“Idon’tloveyouanymore.”
It had been like a fist in the face. And so out of the blue, so unheralded he couldn’t believe it,

couldn’tmakehismindgraspthewordsandacceptthem.

He’d sat beside her and taken her cold hands in his and told her that he loved her, that all

marriageshadupsanddowns,thatloveebbedandflowedandhewassureitwouldflowagain.

Thenshe’dlookedhimintheeyeandtoldhim.
“Shehadanabortion,”Ethansaid,forcingthewordspastthelumpinhisthroat.
“What?”Derek’sexpressionwasuncomprehending.
Ethanalmostsmiled.Herememberedfeelingthatway.Beingliterallyunabletobelievewhathis

earsweretellinghim.“Shewaspregnant,andshehadanabortionwithouttellingme.”

Derek’sfacewaspale.Heswore.“Ethan…”
SuddenlyEthanwanteditalltold,allofitoutintheopen.
“We weren’t planning on trying for a baby until the following year, but she got pregnant

accidentallyandwhenshefoundoutshesaidshehadarevelation.Shedidn’twantthebaby.Or,more
specifically,shedidn’twantmybaby.Shedidn’twantourmarriageanymore.Shedidn’twantthelife
we’dmadetogether.Shedidn’tloveme,andshewantedout.Soshemadearrangementstogetridof
thebabyandshegothershittogether.Thenshetoldmeandwalked.”

Ethanswallowedstrongly.Fiveyearsonandhestillfeltsickandangryandimpotent.
“Mate.”Hisbrotherwaslookingathimwithaworldofpityandcompassioninhiseyes.
ThiswaswhyEthanhadnevertoldanyonethetruthbehindhisdivorce.Hedidn’twanthisfamily

tofeelsorryforhim.ThenDerekpulledhimintohisarmsagainandEthandecidedthatmaybeabit
ofcompassionwasn’tsobadafterall.Maybeitwasevenexactlywhatheneeded.

Afteraminutehisbrotherreleasedhim,hiseyessuspiciouslybright.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.

IfKayhaddonethattome…”Derekshookhishead.“Butshe’dneverdothat.”

Ethansmiledgrimly.“That’swhatIthoughtaboutCassie.”
“ButKayis—”Derekclosedhismouthonwhateverhe’dbeenabouttosayandEthansawfull

understandingdawnonhisbrother ’sface.

Ethan had trusted his wife, just as Derek trusted Kay, and yet he’d had no idea that she was so

unhappythatshe’dchoosetogetridofthechildthey’dmadetogetherratherthanbeboundtohimfor
life.

“Jesus,”Dereksaidquietly.“Nowonderyou’resomessedup.”
Ethan laughed. He had to, or he was going to disgrace himself by crying again. He’d always

vowed he’d never tell anyone. He’d been so ashamed that something could be so wrong with his
marriage and he’d not known about it. He’d been stupidly cruising along, living in a fantasy world
where he and Cassie loving each other was more important than the lumps and bumps of everyday
life,andallthetimeshe’dbeenquietlydealingwithherunwantedpregnancyandputtingheraffairsin
orderbeforeshelefthim.

“Didyouevertalkaboutit?Askherwhy?”Derekwantedtoknow.
Ethan shook his head. He’d had questions, things he’d wanted to know, but the anger that had

followed hard on the heels of her fait accompli had meant that he couldn’t bear to be in the same
room with her. Or, more accurately, he couldn’t trust himself to be in the same room as her. He’d
wantedtohurther.Makehersufferforhurtinghimandmakingadecisionabouttheirchildwithout
consultinghim.Mostofallhe’dwantedtopunishherfornotlovinghimeventhoughhestillloved
her,evenafterwhatshe’ddone.

Thenshe’dtakenupajobwithamultinationalinsurancecompanyandmovedtoSingaporeand

hehadn’theardfromheruntilthedivorcepapersarrivedayearlater.She’dsenthimaletteramonth
aftertheirdivorcewasfinalized,buthe’dburneditwithoutreadingit.

“Maybeyoushould.”
“What’stoknow?Shechangedhermind.Shedidn’twanttobewithme.Gameover.”
Itwashardtosayitoutloud,butitwasthetruth.Aftertwelveyearstogether,thewomanhe’d

lovedhadsimplywalkedoutofhislife,leavinghimgaspinglikealandedfish.He’dgoneoverand
overandoveritinhishead,butthatwaswhatitboileddownto.She’dstoppedlovinghim,andshe’d

left.

Derekstartedtosaysomethingthenstoppedwhenhisstomachgrowleddemandingly.“Yougot

anythingtoeat?Somepretzelsmaybe?”

“Pretzels.No,Idonothavepretzels.ButIcanmakeussomebruschettaifyoulike.”
“Iwouldlike.Iwouldlikealot.”
Ethanstartedpullingingredientsfromthefridge,gladtohavesomethingconstructivetodo.He

could feel Derek watching him as he diced the onions and squeezed the seeds out of the tomatoes.
Whenhisbrotherfinallyspoke,hisvoicewaslowandcareful.

“FallingforAlexmusthavebeenprettyfreakingscaryafterallofthatstuffwithCassie,huh?”
Ethannoddedshortly.Hehadn’twantedtofallforAlex.Haddonehisdamnedestforalongtime

tosatisfyhisneedtobeapartofherlifewithoutgettingtooclose,tooinvolved.Thenshe’dcometo
their racquetball game that night all churned up over seeing her ex and he hadn’t been able to stop
himselffromcomfortingher.

“Whatshesaidisright,youknow.She’snotCassie,”Dereksaid.
“Iknowthat.”EthancuttheremainderofaFrenchstickintoslices.
“Butitdoesn’tmakeadifference?”Derekasked.
Ethanputdowntheknifeandlookedathisbrother.“Idon’tbelieveinhappy-ever-after.Notafter

everythingIseeinmyjob,andnotafterCassie.”

“Butyouwantto.”
Ethanlethisbreathoutinarush.“Yes.”
MorethananythinghewantedtobeabletoletgoofthepastandtakethehandAlexwasoffering

himandstepintothefuturealongsideher.Buthedidn’tknowhowtoletgoofthehard-wonlessons
ofhispast.Hedidn’tknowhowtoletdownhisguardandtrustagain.

“I’mnotgoingtotellyouthatthere’snowayitcouldhappenagainandthatAlexwouldneverdo

that to you. Even though I think it’s true, life doesn’t come with guarantees and safety nets,” Derek
said.

“Noshit.”
“Doyouloveher?”
Ethangavehisbrotheralook.“Whydoyouthinkyou’vegotawetshoulder?”
“Thentrustyourgut.”
Ifonlyitwerethateasy.
“IlovedCassie,too,andlookwherethatgotme.IthoughtIknewherinsideandout.Isleptnext

toherfortwelveyearsandIhadnoideahowshewasfeeling,whatshewasthinking.”

“Idon’tknowwhattosaytoyou.Iwantyoutobehappy.IwantyoutohavewhatIhave.Isee

youwithmykidsanditkillsmethatyoumightneverknowwhatitfeelsliketobeapartofsomething
soamazing.ButlikeIsaid,you’vegoteveryreasonintheworldtobegun-shy.ThebestIcandois
tellyouthatKay’smybestfriend.Mydayisn’trightifIdon’twakeupandseeherfaceonthepillow
beside me. Pathetic but true, and if you ever tell her I said any of this I’ll mess up those pretty-boy
looksofyoursforgood.She’smyrock,andIdon’twanttoimaginemylifewithoutherinit.And
yeah,there’sariskattachedtoallofthat.Butifthechoiceisbetweenlovingherorplayingitsafe…
Well,I’vemademychoice.”

Derek shrugged to indicate he’d run out of words but Ethan understood what his brother was

saying:lovewasaleapoffaith.Afterwhathadhappenedwithhisfirstmarriage,Ethanappreciated
thatfactmorethanmost,butattheendofthedayitwasthesameforeverybody.Peoplewerefickle,
feelings changed, circumstances changed, and people grew together and grew apart. Love was a
crapshoot.Arisk.Andthepriceoffailurewashigh.

Thequestionwas,wasalifetimewithAlexworththerisk?

A memory hit him: that night when he’d brought round his chicken dinner, she’d lain on the

couchandhe’dcoaxedherintolettinghimrubherfeet.She’dclosedhereyesashemassagedfirst
onefootthentheotherandhe’dwatchedherfacerelaxandasmallsmilecurlhermouth.She’dbeen
softandvulnerableandcontent,andhe’dhelpedmakeherthatwayandforafewpreciousmoments
he’d felt as though he was in exactly the right place with exactly the right person doing exactly the
rightthing.He’dfeltasthoughhebelonged,asthoughhiscautioushearthadfoundahome.

Hereachedforateatowelandwipedhishands.Derek’sgazefollowedtheaction.Aslowsmile

dawnedonhisface.

“Tellmeyou’regoingtofindher.”
“I’mgoingtofindher.”
“Goodman.”
His brother caught him in a one-armed hug and pounded an approving fist on his back. Ethan

figuredthey’duseduptheirannualquotaofphysicalaffectioninthespaceofasinglehour,buthe
couldlivewiththat.Hisbrotherhadbeenhislifelinetonight,thevoiceofreasonhe’dneededtohelp
himnavigatearoundthewreckageofthepast.

“Thanks.Ioweyou.”
“Ifigurewe’llgetitoutofyouinhorseyridesandfreebabysitting.”
“Done.”
Hestrodeforthedoor,scoopinguphiscarkeysfromthehalltable.
“I’mgoingtograbsomeofthisbreadtoeatonthewayhome,ifthat’sallright?”Dereksaid,

trailingafterhim.“Sinceyoudon’thavepretzels.”

Ethanlaughed.He’dforgottenallaboutthebruschettainhisrushtogettoAlex.
“Helpyourself.”Heopenedthedoor.
“Callme,”Dereksaid.“Letmeknowhowyoudo.”
Ethangavehimalook.
Derekshrugged.“I’mfeelingalittleinvestedhere.”
“Don’tforgettolockupwhenyouleave,”Ethansaid.
Thenheheadedfortheelevator,prayingeverystepofthewaythatAlexwouldbehome.

CHAPTERTEN

ON’TTHINKABOUTHIM

.Don’tthinkabouthim,don’tthinkabouthim,don’tthinkabouthim.

Alex kept up the mantra as she let herself into her apartment and searched for a distraction.

TherewasnopointdissectingwhathadhappenedbetweenherandEthan.Itwouldn’tchangeanything.
She’dofferedhimherheart,andhe’dofferedheratime-shareagreement.Therewasnothingleftto
explore.

If only she could exorcise the memory of his stricken face and the pain in his voice from her

mind. If only there hadn’t been those few seconds when she’d let her hope have wings and she’d
believedforasmall,preciousmomentthatthingsweregoingtoworkoutbetweenthem.

Amemoryhitherassheflickedonthelightinherlivingroom.Thefirsttimeshe’deverseen

EthanhadbeeninthefoyerofWallingsworth&Kent’soffices.He’dbeenarrivingforameetingwith
theseniorpartners,havingbeenwooedawayfromoneoftheotherbigMelbournefirms.Shehadn’t
known any of that at the time, of course—she’d simply seen him walking toward her across the
polished marble floor, beautiful and dangerous and sexy, and she’d felt the low thud of instant
attractioninherbellyandthoughttoherselfHello,heartbreaker.

Prescient,indeed.Sheshouldhaverunamilethefirsttimehesomuchassmiledatherinthe

kitchenette. She should have taken out a restraining order against him when he suggested they play
racquetballtogether,andsheshouldhavedugamoataroundherofficewhenheinvitedhertolunch.

Instead, she’d told herself she could handle him and she’d danced with the devil and fallen in

lovewithamanwhowassounavailablehecouldbarelymakehimselfsaythewordsIloveyou.

Andyethehadsaidthem.
Shewanderedfromthelivingroomtoherbedroom,thinkingaboutthosemomentsonthecourt

despiteherdeterminationnotto.

He’dsaidhelovedherandthathewantedtotryforachildwithher.Amazinghowsomething

could be so close to a person’s dreams and yet so far away. Amazing how little it took to tempt a
woman.

Butshe’ddrawnherlineinthesandandshewasgoingtostandbyit.Shemightbeslidingdown

thatfertilitygraphherdoctorhaddrawn,andshemightbelonelyandsadandfrustrated,butshewas
not a masochist. There would be nothing worse than loving a man with all her heart and only
receivingportionsofhisinreturn.No,shewaswrong—therewassomethingworse.Shecouldhavea
childwiththatman,basedonthemisguidedideathatitmightdrawthemtogether,andnevertrulyget
overhim.

Somanypitfalls—andshe’dcleverlyavoidedthemall.Sheshouldbegivingherselfapatonthe

back and mixing herself a cocktail to celebrate her street smarts instead of circling her flat like a
madwoman.

She walked into the bathroom then left immediately when she caught sight of herself in the

mirror. Best not to have confirmation of her own misery. Not while she was barely holding it
together.

Dosomething.Doanything.

She went to the kitchen and looked around. It was sparkling clean, since she rarely made

anythingmoremessythanatunasaladoreggontoast.

Dinner.She’dmakedinner.Somethingelaborate,forher.Pasta.Withasalad.Thatshouldkeep

herbusyforhalfanhourorso.Whethershe’dactuallybeabletochokeitdownornotwasanother
question,butshe’dcrossthatbridgewhenshecametoit.

Shecrossedtothefridgeandwasabouttoopenthefridgedoorwhenhergazefellonthephrase

someonehadmadeusingherfridgepoetrymagnets.

Bananapeoplebendsmilesandmakemonkeyslaughandlove.
There was only one person who’d been in her apartment lately. She stared at the stupid,

nonsensicalpoemEthanhadcreatedandallthebullshitshe’dbeenusingtokeepherselffromfeeling
crumbledintodust.

Sheleanedforwardandpressedherforeheadagainstthefridgedoor.Herchestached.Hereyes

burned.Shewasalloutoffight.

Iloveyou,Ethan.Iloveyousomuch.
Ifonlyheweren’tsodamaged.Andifonlyshedidn’twantsomuchmorethanhehadtogive.

THANTURNED

intoQueensRoadandstartedlookingforaparkingspotnearAlex’sbuilding.Hehadno

ideawhathewasgoingtosaytoher,buthe’dalreadydecidedtotellhereverything.Cassie,thebaby,
allofit.He’dtellherthathewasscared,eventhoughitwouldbethemosthumbling,emasculatingact
ofhislife.Shedeservedthetruth.Toknowwhatshewasgettinginto.

HefoundaparkingspotandreversedtheAstonMartinintoit.Hewasoutofthecarinseconds.

Hehadtokeepmoving,mostlybecausehewasterrifiedthatifhestoppedtothinkhe’dchickenout.

Iwantthis.Iloveher.She’snotCassie.
Buthe’dstoredsomuchangerandfearandpainfiveyearsago,packeditawaysotightlywithin,

thathewasafraidhe’dnevergetpastit.Thathe’dneverbeabletotrust.Thathe’dneverbeableto
offerAlexthethingssheneeded.

Hehadtotry,though.Hecouldn’tletherslipawaywithouttrying.Helovedhertoomuchtolet

thathappen.

Heapproachedthedoortoherbuildingwithapoundingheart.
Sackup,Stone.Where’syourfreakingdignity?
Buthe’dshedhisdignitylongago.HewascomingtoAlexarmedwithnothingbuthopeanda

desiretoloveher.

Hepressedthebuzzerforherapartmentandwaited,everymuscletense.Afterafewsecondshe

buzzedheragain.Again,nothing.

She wasn’t home—or she’d guessed it was him and was deliberately not answering him. He

walkedbackwardandcranedhisheadtoseeifhecouldworkoutwhichbalconywashers.Theyall
lookedthesame,andtherewasnodark-haired,dark-eyedwomanonanyofthem.

He’dcallher,then.Andhe’dkeepcallingandbuzzingheruntilshelethimin.Hereachedforhis

phone,thenrememberedhe’dleftitinthecar.HewaswalkingbacktotheAstonMartintoretrieveit
when he glanced up the road and saw a slim woman in a hot-pink sweater walking briskly along
QueensRoad.Herbackwastohim,butherecognizedboththestraightnessofhershouldersandthe
distinctivesweater.

Alex.
She was about a block away, heading east. He started after her. There were a number of other

peopleoutonthestreet,despitethefactthatitwascoldanddark—joggerscominghomefromtheir

circuitsofnearbyAlbertParkLake,dogwalkers,studentsheadingoutforabignight.Hepickedhis
wayamongstthem,lengtheninghisstride.

“Alex,”hecalled,eventhoughhewasprettycertainshewastoofarawaytohearhim.
Shedidn’tsomuchasfalterorglanceoverhershoulder.Hedodgedaroundaguyblockingthe

footpathwithabike.Upahead,Alexwasapproachingthecornerintersectionwhereamini-martwas
locatedanditoccurredtohimthatthestorewasprobablyhergoal—shewasprobablyduckingoutto
getsomething,milkorbreadoroneofthedisgustingfrozenmeals-for-oneheknewshereliedon.

The traffic lights changed at the intersection and Alex broke into a jog to catch the pedestrian

light.Theactionunfoldedinslowmotion,thestuffofnightmares.

She’d barely set foot on the road when a low-slung red car raced past him, signal flashing to

indicatealeftturnintothestreetAlexwascrossing.EthanwaitedforthedrivertoseeAlex,waited
fortheglowofbrakelightstoappearatthebackofthecar,buttherewasnothing.Thedriverhadn’t
seenher.Hehadn’tseenher.

“Alex!”heyelled,fearanicyrushthroughhimastheredcarwhippedaroundthecorner.
Theworldstopped.Thenheheardthesoundofimpact,anexplosionofglassandmetalandthe

heavy,unmistakablethudofabodyhittingacar.Apasserbyscreamed.Hebrokeintoasprint.

Alex.HehadtogettoAlex.Andshehadtobeokay.Afewscratchesandbruises,sure,butshe

hadtobeokay.

Hislegsandarmspumpedasheracedthefinalhundredorsofeettotheintersection.Itfeltlikea

lifetime.Itfeltasthoughhewastraversingtheworld.

Acrowdhadgathered.Someonewasalreadyonthephone,callingforanambulance.
“Alex,”hebellowedashenearedthecrowd.“Alex!”
Shehadtobealive.Shehadtobe.Butthecarhadbeengoingsofast,doingatleastfortyaround

thecorner.

Hereachedthecrowd,startedshovingpeopleoutofthewaytogettoher.
Ifshewasdead…God,ifshewasdead…
Thenthecrowdpartedandhesawherlyingontheroad,bloodgleaminginthestreetlightbeside

herhead—anditwasn’tAlex.ShewasshorterthanAlex,fuller-breasted,herhairslightlylonger.She
waswearingsandalsinsteadofsneakersandaweddingringgleamedonherlefthand.

Itwasn’tAlex.
Reliefhithimlikeawall.Shewasalive.Alexwasalive.
Shaken,hiskneeslikerubber,hescrubbedhisfacewithhishands.
He’d thought he’d lost her. For a few heart-stopping seconds he’d thought she was gone. The

memoryofitwasenoughtosendbileburningupthebackofhisthroat.Allthethingshe’dneversay
toher,allthethingsthey’dneverexperiencetogether,thelifethey’dneverhave—allofithadflashed
throughhimwhenhe’dheardtheterriblesoundofimpact.

Butitwasn’tAlex.
Ambulance sirens sounded in the distance. The woman on the ground was trying to sit up and

someonewascrouchingbesideher,advisinghertoremainproneuntilhelpgotthere.Thedriverwas
crying and pacing and explaining to anyone who would listen that he hadn’t seen her, that the
pedestrianlighthadbeenflashingred.

Ethanstoodnumblyinthecrowdastheambulancearrivedandtheparamedicsgotouttotreat

thewoman.Hewatchedasshespoketothemandgingerlyallowedthemtohelpherontothestretcher.
Itwasn’tuntiltheunknownwomanwasintheambulance,thedoorsclosedbehindherthathefeltable
toturnaway.

“Ethan.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Hisheadsnappedaround.Alexwasstandingattheedgeofthealreadydissipatingcrowd,abag

of groceries in one hand, a perplexed frown on her face. He took a moment to simply soak in the
sightofher,herhairtuckedbehindherearononeside.Thenhestrodeforwardandsweptherintohis
arms. She was warm and resilient and she smelled of lemons and fresh night air and he wanted to
mergehisbodywithhers,tobecomeapartofhersothattheycouldneverbepartedandhewould
never,everhavetostaredownthebarrelofalmostlosingheragain.

“Ethan.What’sgoingon?”sheasked,hervoicemuffledagainsthisshoulder.
“Don’tever,everdothattomeagain,”hesaidfiercely.
“Dowhat?”
Hepulledbacktolookintoherface.Sheliftedahandtotouchhischeek.
“You’recrying,”shesaid.
“Alex,Iloveyou.IshouldhavesaiditalongtimeagobutI’vebeentoobusytryingtocovermy

asstounderstandthatanyriskisworthitifIgettohaveyouinmylife.Idon’twanthalfmeasures.I
wanteverythingyouwantandmore.Kids,marriage,amortgage,argumentsoverwhoseturnitisto
putthedogout,Idon’tcarewhatitis,Iwantitwithyou.I’vewastedsomuchtime,andIdeservefor
youtogivemeahardtimeandmakemejumpthroughamillionflaminghoops,butIloveyouandI
wantthisandI’mnotgoinganywhereuntilyousayyes.”

“Ethan,”shesaid.Hereyeswerewide,searchinghisface.
Shedidn’tunderstand.Shehadnoideathathe’djusthadaglimpseofhell.
“Alex.Ithoughtitwasyou,”hesaid,hisvoicegravellywithemotion.“Isawthecarturning,I

thoughtyouweredead….”

Hepulledhercloseagain,experiencingthewashofterrorasecondtime.Hepressedherfaceto

his chest and cupped the back of her head in the palm of his hand. She felt ridiculously fragile,
terrifyinglymortalinhisarms.

Helovedhersomuch.Somuch.Andyethe’dalmostletfearstophimfrombeingapartofher

life.Itwasonlywhenhe’dbeenfacingthelossofeverythingthathisworldhadbecomecleartohim.

Cassie’s abandonment and betrayal had been baffling and hurtful. She’d left him dangling and

he’dmadeafortressoutofhisbitternessandfear.Butallthestuffhe’dcanvassedwithDerektonight,
all his doubts and caution, none of it mattered when he’d been faced with the prospect of a world
withoutAlex.

The ultimate wake-up call. Beside it, everything else assumed its rightful perspective. What

counted was Alex. Being with Alex. Loving Alex. Building a future with Alex—if she would have
him.

Herexpressionwasgravewhenhefinallyfeltabletolethergoagain.
He knew he should wait until they’d had a chance to talk properly. He knew that standing on a

streetcornerafewfeetfromatrafficaccidentwasprobablytheleastromanticspotintheuniverse.
He should take Alex home, tell her about Cassie and the divorce, make sure she understood what
she’dbegettingherselfintoifshetookhimonbeforeheaskedherto—

“Marryme,”heblurted.“Savemefrommyself,andI’lldomybesttosaveyouwhenyouneed

it,too.Marrymeandhavebabieswithme.Marrymeandplayracquetballwithmeuntilneitherofus
canbendtotieoursneakersonourown.Marryme,Alex,andmakemethehappiest,luckiestidiotin
theworld.”

Herfacecrumpled.Hisgutclenched.He’dmadehercry.
“Alex,I’msorry—”
Afistlandedinthemiddleofhischest.“HowamIsupposedtoresistyouwhenyousayallthe

rightthings?Canyouexplainthattome?HowamIsupposedtobestronganddotherightthingwhen
youlookatmelikethatandaskmetomarryyou?”

Thedreadclutchinghisgutrecededanotch.“Doingtherightthingwouldbemarryingme.”

Sheshookherhead,hereyesswimmingwithtears.“You’vejusthadascare.You’renotthinking

clearly.Anythingyousayrightnowisunderduress.”

Hesmiled.Couldn’thelphimself.Shewasadorable,soearnest,sohonest.SoAlex.
Shesmackedhiminthechestagain.“Don’tyoudarelaughatmewhenI’mtryingtosaveyou

fromyourself.”

“MaybeIdon’tneedsaving.”
“Youdo.Youdon’twanttobemarried.You’vesaidsoamilliontimes.You’refreakingoutright

nowbutonceyoucalmdownyou’llregretthis.AndIdon’twanttobearegretinyourlife,Ethan.I
loveyoutoomuchforthat.”

“Alex,whydoyouthinkIcameoverheretonight?WhydoyouthinkIwasfollowingawomanI

thoughtwasyouupthestreetsoIcouldthrowmyselfonyourmercyandbegforasecondchance?”

Shegavehimanarrestedlook.Haditreallynotoccurredtoherthathisbeingherewasabout

herandnotsimplyacoincidence?

“Really?Youreallycamelookingforme?”
Thehopeinherface.Thedoubt.
“Baby,I’vebeenlookingforyouallmylife,”hesaid.
Thenhekissedher,becauseheneededtomorethanheneededair.Shekissedhimback,herarms

aroundhisneck,herhandsclenchedinhishair.

Butakisswasn’tnearlyenough.Heneededtofeelherskinagainsthis.Heneededtobeinside

her,partofher.Heneeded—

“Let’sgobacktomyplace,”Alexgaspedagainsthismouth.
“Yes.”
Theybrokeapart.Hetookthebagofgroceriesfromherhand,thenhedrewhercloseandkissed

heragain.Hedidn’twanttolethergo.Buttheywerestandingonastreetcorner,andpublicnudity
hadbeenfrowneduponforawhileinthestateofVictoria.

Atowtruckhadarrived,alongwithapolicecar.EthansparedthembothaglanceasheandAlex

turnedtowardherplace.

“IwasintheshopwhenIheardthesmash.Musthavebeenprettyscary,”Alexsaid,followinghis

glance.

Heraisedtheirjoinedhandsandpressedakisstothebackofherhand.
“Beyondscary.Theworstmomentofmylife.”
Shesqueezedhishand.
“Youhaven’tansweredmyquestion,”hesaid.
Hereyeswerefullofuncertaintywhenshelookedathim.“Ethan…”
“Asimpleyesismorethanenough.”
“Sincewhenhaveweeverbeensimple?”shesaidruefully.
Itwasagoodpoint.
Shecopiedhisearliergestureandkissedthebackofhishand.“Askmeagainlater.”
Itwasalmostapromise.Almost.
“Allright,”hesaidreluctantly.
Hecouldwait,ifhehadto.Inthemeantime,therewerethingsheneededtotellher.
They turned toward Alex’s apartment and started walking. He took a moment to assemble his

thoughts,thenheclearedhisthroat.

“IwanttotellyouaboutCassie,”hesaid.

LEXLISTENED

insilenceasEthantoldherhowheandCassiehadmet,abouttheirinstantattractionand

howquicklythey’dmovedinwitheachother.Hedescribedhisexvariouslyasbeautiful,fiery,smart,
impulsive,andsheimaginedwhatitmusthavebeenlikebetweenthetwoofthem,howinloveEthan
musthavebeen.Impossiblenottofeelastabofjealousy.

Hetalkedallthewaybacktoherapartment,andwhentheyarrivedsheledhimtothecouchand

drewhimdownbesideherandsatwithherbackagainstthearmsoshecouldseehisfaceandhiseyes
ashetoldherabouttheweddingandthetoughfewyearsafterwardwhenheandCassiehadbothbeen
workingsohardtocarveouttheircareers.

He told her about the house they’d bought together in well-heeled Armadale and their big

mortgage.Hetoldherhowthey’dtalkedabouttryingforchildrenoncethey’dbothfeltmoresolidin
theirjobsandmanagedtogetthemortgagedownalittle.Hetoldherthattherehadbeenproblems,
butthathe’dalwaysbelievedinthefundamentalintegrityofhismarriage.

She knew he’d reached the tough part when he broke eye contact with her. He kept talking,

though, and she reached for his hand and held it as he told her how he’d come home on what he’d
thought was an ordinary work night to find Cassie waiting for him with her bags packed and the
devastatingnewsthatshedidn’tlovehimanymore.

Thenhetoldherabouttheabortionandshesqueezedhishandtightandshuthereyesandsimply

satwithhiminsilence,absorbinghistruthandhispain.

Shecouldnotimaginehowhemusthavefelt.Couldnotimaginethehurtandtheangerandthe

confusionandtheself-doubtandthegrief.He’dbeendevastated.Eventhoughhehadn’tsaidaword
abouthisfeelingsorhisreactions,simplydeliveringupthebarefactsforheredification,sheknew
hemusthavebeenshatteredbecausethemansittingonthecouchbeforeherstillborethescarsfrom
hismarriage.He’dallowedthemtodictatehislifeforthepastfiveyearswhiletellinghimselfallthe
while that he was strong and tough and cynical and that he would never, ever be abandoned or
betrayedorrejectedagain.

Because she didn’t know what to say, she simply slid closer to him on the couch and put her

arms around him. They sat holding each other for a long time. She felt his chest expand when he
finallytookabreathtospeak.

“It was a long time ago.” He said it apologetically. As though there was shame attached to the

factthathewasstilldealingwiththefalloutfromhisdivorcefiveyearslater.

Sheliftedherheadfromhisshoulderandcaughthischininherhand.Thenshelookedathim

fiercely,verydirectlyintheeye.

“Don’teverapologizetomeforcaring,EthanStone.Forhavingaheart.Forbeingabletobe

hurt.Forbeingvulnerable.Okay?”

Henodded.Sheslidherhanduptocuphischeek.Hewasabeautifulman,alady-killer.Andyet

he’dbeenbetrayed,hadhistrusttorntoshreds.He’dlostanopportunitytobeafather.He’dlosthis
lifeasheknewit.

Aterribleangerfilledherassheprocessedtheenormityofwhathadhappenedtohim—whathad

beendonetohim.Whatkindofapersonwalkedoutonherpartneroftwelveyearswithouttryingto
fix what was wrong? What kind of a woman told her husband that she had chosen to terminate her
pregnancy because it was only when she was expecting his child that she understood she no longer
lovedhimorwantedalifewithhim?

ForamomentAlexwasalmostovercomewithrageonEthan’sbehalf.ShewantedtohuntCassie

downandshakeheruntilshebeggedforforgiveness.ShewantedtoscreamatEthan’sex-wifeuntil
theotherwomanunderstoodhowmuchpainshe’dinflicted,howmuchshe’dwoundedhim.

Thenthewavepassedandallshewantedwastodowascomforthim.
Sheleanedforwardandkissedhim.Sheheldhisfaceinherhandsandkissedhisnoseandthe

slopeofhisgorgeouscheekbonesandhiseyebrowsandhisforeheadandhiseyelidsandhisjawand
hischin.Shepressedalong,lingeringkisstohismouth.Shestaredintohiseyesashelookedbackat
her,vulnerableandstrippedbare,offeringhimselfuptoherforunderstandingandforgivenessand
succor.

Shecouldofferhimpromisesandguarantees,buttheybothknewthatwordswerecheapandthat

therewasn’tapledgeorvowintheworldthatcouldshapeandmoldthefuture.Therewasonlywho
shewasandwhohewasandtheirunderstandingofeachotherrightnow,rightatthisminute.Ithad
alwaysbeenenoughforher,butsheunderstoodnowwhyitmightnothavealwaysbeenenoughfor
Ethan.

“Iloveyou,Ethan,”shesaid.
Therewasn’tanythingelsetosay,attheendoftheday.
“Iloveyou,too,Alex.”
Shetookhimintoherbedroomthenandtookoffhisclothes,tookoffherclothesandshowed

himwithherbodyallthethingsshecouldn’tsaywithwords.Shetoldhimwithherkissesthatshewas
loyal.Shetoldhimwithherarmsthatsheadoredhim.Shetookhimintoherbodyandtoldhimthat
shewantedtoshareherlifewithhim.

Ashemovedinsideher,shelookedintohiseyes,neveroncelookingaway.
Hewasn’tperfect.Histrustissueswereprobablygoingtobeaproblemforbothoftheminthe

future.Butshewasn’tperfect,either.She’dneverbeengreatatlettingpeopleinandshefoundithard
toshowherweaknesses,eventolovedones.

But they were going to make it work. They were going to be okay. They were going to get

marriedandifMotherNaturewaskindtheyweregoingtohavebabiesandtheyweregoingtogrow
withtheirlove.

“Yes,”shesaid.
Ethanstilled,hisbodywarmandheavyonhers.
“Yes?”
“Yes,”shesaid.
Anditwastheeasiestdecisionshe’devermadeinherlife.

EPILOGUE

“T

HET HINGABOUT T HE

Stonemenisthattheydon’tdoanythingbyhalves,”Kaysaid.

“Nokidding.”
“It’snotabadthing,really.Inmostcasesit’sagoodthing,”Kaysaid.
“Sureitis.”
“Andanyway,itcouldbeworse.”
SheandAlexbothwincedasaloudfour-letterwordfloatedacrosstheyardtowherethetwoof

themwererelaxinginsunloungersbeneaththeshadeofabigoldoaktree.Thetreedominatedthe
backyard of Ethan and Alex’s new home, an Edwardian weatherboard house in Box Hill, a five-
minute drive from where Derek and Kay lived. It was unclear whether Ethan or Derek was the
perpetrator,sincebothmenhadtheirbackstothewomenastheyhunchedoverthepileoffurniture
parts that might one day resemble a baby’s crib if the two men glowering and swearing over them
tookthetimetoreadtheinstructionbooklet.

“Howcoulditbeworse?”Alexwantedtoknow,nottakinghereyesfromherhusband’sbehind

ashebenttosortthroughthepiecesofwoodspreadacrossthepatio.

“WecouldbelivinginGeorgiantimesandEthancouldhaveyouconfinedtoyourbedroom.”
“GoodLord.Don’tgivehimideas.That’sthelastthingIneed.”
Asthoughhecouldsensethemtalkingabouthim,Ethan’sheadcameupandheglancedoverhis

shoulder. He was wearing sunglasses to combat the bright glare of the sun, but Alex knew he was
lookingstraightather.Couldfeelitinherbones.

Despitethefactthatshethoughthewasbeingridiculousrightatthismomentintime,shesmiled.

Howcouldshenotwhenshehadsomuchtosmileabout?

Ethanstoodandstrodeacrossthegrasstowardher.Hisjeansrodelowonhiswaistandhiswhite

T-shirt had shrunk a little in the wash and she could see the muscles of his thighs flexing and
contractingwitheachstep.Hewasforty-fournow,buthewasamaninhisprime.

Besideher,Kayfannedherselfwithherhand.Alexsparedheradrylook.
“PrettyBoystrikesagain.”
“Hell,yeah,”Kaysaid,andtheybothlaughed.
Ethan’sshadowloomedoverthem.
“What’swrong?”heasked.“Areyoufeelingokay?Doyouneedsomecrackers?Somemilk?”
Alexlookedupatherhusband.“Iwassmiling,Ethan.”
“Itlookedweird.”
“Well,itwasn’t.”
“Areyousure?Whataboutsomecoldwater?”
Alexsighed.“Areyougoingtobelikethisallthewaythroughmypregnancy?”
“Idon’tknow.Askmeinsixmonths’time.”
Hesquattedbesideherloungerandputhishandonherstill-flatbelly.
“Ijustwanttomakesureyou’reokay.Iknowhowmuchthismeanstoyou.”
Andtohim.Thiswastheirsecondpregnancy.Herfirsthadendedinamiscarriageatnineweeks

justovereightmonthsagoandithadbeenasadtimeforbothofthem.Nowshewasthirteenweeks
andcounting.Thedoctorhadassuredhertheirbabywasdoingwellatherscanyesterday.Withher
fortieth birthday around the corner, Alex had her fingers crossed he was right. The moment the
doctor had made his pronouncement, Ethan had disappeared to the shops and returned home with
enoughfurnituretofillfivenurseries.

“I’mfine.Thebaby’sfine,”sheassuredhim.
Sheslidherhandoverhiswhereitrestedonherstomach.Ethanwassilentandshereachedout

withherotherhandtopushhisglassesontopofhishead.Shedidn’tknowwhathewasthinkingwhen
shecouldn’tseehiseyes.

Helookedbackather,loveandworryandhopeandexcitementallintermingledinhisgaze.
“I’m going to…you know,” Kay said, waving her hand to indicate she was making herself

scarce.

AlexhookedherfingerintotheneckofEthan’sT-shirtandpulledhimtowardher.
“Stopworrying.Whateverhappens,we’llworkitout.”
She kissed him. He tasted like sunshine and beer and she made an approving noise. Ethan

deepenedthekissandshefelthishandslideuphertorsotowardherbreasts.She’dalreadyseenKay
lead Derek inside to give them some privacy so she didn’t do much more than shift restlessly as
Ethan’shandclosedoverherbreast.

Shelovedhimsomuch.Thepasteighteenmonthsofherlifehadbeenfilledwithsomuchjoy

andlaughterwithhimbyherside.Hewasherbestfriend,themostwonderfullovershe’deverhad,
the best husband she could imagine—even with his overprotectiveness and over-purchasing of
nurserysupplies.

Hemadeanimpatientnoiseandshescootedherlegoutofthewayashedroppedakneeontothe

loungerandclimbedaboard.Shefelthisweightsettleoverherandsmiledagainsthismouth.

Thensheletoutawildshriekasthelegsonthesunloungercollapsedandtheydroppedhalfa

footontothegrass.Shethrewbackherheadandlaughed,clutchingEthan’sshoulders.

Hewaslaughing,too,andshelookedintohisdeepblueeyesandletthesmallperfectionofthe

momentwashoverher.Herlifewasfullofmomentslikethesenow,andtherewouldbeevenmoreof
themtocome,sheknew.

AfteramomenttheybothsoberedandEthanreacheduptotuckherhairbehindherear.
Hedidn’tsayanything,andneitherdidshe.
Somehappinesseswerebeyondwords.

ISBN:978-1-4268-7523-6

THEBESTLAIDPLANS

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the
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Document Outline

CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
EPILOGUE

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