TheMiracleBaby
by
JaniceJayJohnson

Contents

CHAPTERONE
CHAPTERTWO
CHAPTERTHREE
CHAPTERFOUR
CHAPTERFIVE
CHAPTERSIX
CHAPTERSEVEN
CHAPTEREIGHT
CHAPTERNINE
CHAPTERTEN
CHAPTERELEVEN
CHAPTERTWELVE
CHAPTERTHIRTEEN
CHAPTERFOURTEEN
CHAPTERFIFTEEN
EPILOGUE

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
JaniceKayJohnsonisthebestsellingauthorofalmostthirtyhooks,andherdeeplyemotionaland
involvingstorieshaveenthralledreadersaroundtheworld.Itwillcomeasnosurprisetohermanyfans
thatJaniceisthemotheroftwodaughters,orthatherhomeisfilledwithanimalsonedogandthirteen
cats,atthelastcount.

BooksbyJaniceKayJohnson
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720--WHATSHEWANTSFORCHRISTMAS

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CHAPTERONE

"AreyouMr.NathanMcCabe?"
ThemanwhostoodonNathan'sfrontporchwasyoung,sandy-haired,alittlesoftaroundthemiddle.His
facewasunfamiliar,butpleasantenough.YouraverageJoe.
"That'sright,"Nathanagreedalittlewarily,hishandgrippingtheopendoor.Salesmendidn'tknowyour
name.
Themanextendedacard."RichardClayton,privateinvestigator."
Nathantookthecard.Itwasplain,butthepaperwasheavyweight,expensive,theprintengraved.His
warinessedgedintoapprehension.
"WhatcanIdoforyou?"heasked.
ThePI.clearedhisthroat."Mr.McCabe,didyouhaveabrothernamedRobin?"
Rob.Sometimeshecouldalmostforgetthepartofhimselfhe'dlostwiththeestrangement.Being
remindedwasajolt.
"IhaveabrothernamedRobin."Whatcouldadmittingthatmuchhurt?
"Didhehireyou?"
Thefirstrealemotionshowedonthatblandface."Hireme?You'renotaware...?"
"Awareofwhat?"Nathanaskedsharply.
Unexpectedcompassionaddedafewlinestothe

man'sface."I'msorry,Mr.McCabe.It'syourbrother'swidowwhohiredmetofindyou.I'mafraidhe's
dead."
Dead?Rob?ShockheldNatestill,unseeing.Dead?Howcouldhisbrotherbedeadwithouthisknowing?
Imagesflashedthroughhismindwithscattergunspeed:theboy,cheeksstillchildishlyround,beguiling
theirkindergartenteacher;Rob,maybeten,onthepitcher'smound;hangingupsidedownfromthetop
bunkintheirbedroom,tongueoutandeyescrossed;loungingagainsthislockerinhighschool,grinning
lazilyatsomegirl;thetwenty-one-year-old,wipingbloodfromhisnoseandsnarling.Thislastimagewas
sharp,thoughfifteenyearsold.Theyhadn'tseeneachothersince.Fifteenyears,andNathandidn'thaveto
wonderwhathisbrotherhadlookedlikebeforehedied.Allhehadtodowasglanceinamirror.
"Howlongago?"heaskednumbly.
"Threeyears.I'msorry."
"How?"Nathan'steethwereset."Howdidhedie?"
"I..."ThePI.retreatedastep."I'mnotquitesure.Mrs.McCabedidn'tsay."
Mrs.McCabe.RobhadmarriedandNathanneverknown.Hecouldn'tpicturehisbrotheratthealtar,gaze
heldbyonewoman.Couldn'timaginehimsaying,"Ido,"andmeaningit.Liftingtheveilandkissingher,
sweepingheracrossathreshold,stayingfaithful,maybechangingdiapersorcoachingaLittleLeague
team.Makingamarriagework,whenNathancouldn't.
Fifteenyears.Hekeptbumpingupagainstit.
Achunkofhislifetime.They'dbeensoyoungwhenhe'dbrokenhisbrother'snoseandwalkedaway
withoutlookingback.Theirpartingwasn'tsupposedtobepermanent,whateverhe'dsaidatthetime.
NathanhadalwaysfiguredRobwouldgivehimsometimetocooloff,thencomefindhim.Aloneon
ChristmasEvethisyear,Nathanhadstartedthinkingmaybeitwastimehedidthefinding.Buteventhen,it
hadbeentoolate.
Nathanclosedhiseyesforamoment,letthepairripopenawoundhe'dthoughtlonghealed.Herubbeda
handoverhisface.
"Ifhediedthreeyearsago,whydoesshewanttofindmenow?"
ThePIsunmemorablefacewouldbeforeverengravedinNathan'smemory,stuckinhismentalphot
album.ThepoorSOBhadn'tevenknownhewastobethebeareroftheworsttidings.
Hewastalking,andwithdifficultyNathanlatchedontohiswords.Adaughter.Somethingaboutdaughter,
elevenyearsold.Rob'sdaughter.
Heinterrupted."Doyouhaveapicture?"
He'dcaughtthePI.offguard."Yes,I...Righthere."Hegropedinonepocketofhisjacket,thentheother.
"Mrs.McCabethought..."
"Apicturewouldsoftenme?"
"Yes.No.Thatis..."
Nathantookthephotoandtunedthemanout.
Itwasaschoolpicture,likethosethatcamewithChristmascards,friendsshowinghiminthefacesof
theirchildrenhowquicklytheyearswerepassing.Thegirlworeadenimdresswithanembroidered
necklineandshewassmilinguncertainly.Nathanknewhereyes,biganddark;theywereRob'sandhis
own.

But,goodGod,herhairwasn'taninchlong,darkandfine,revealingtheshapeofherskull.Andshewas
ghostpale,andthin.Hewasremindedofpictureshe'dseenofconcentration-campsurvivors.
HeliftedashockedgazetoRichardClayton,PI."What'swrongwithher?"
"Leukemia,"Claytonsaidbluntly."Sheneedsabone-marrowtransplant.Mrs.McCabeisn'tasuitable
donor,andtheNationalBoneMarrowDonorRegistryhasn'tfoundone.BecauseyouandAmanda'sfather
weretwins,thechancesareexcellentthatyourtissueisamatch."
Asheabsorbedthenews,Nathanloweredhisgazetothepictureagain.
Rob'sdaughter.Hisniece.Maybedyingforlackofherfather.
"WhatdoIneedtodo?"heaskedsimply.
Bethpoundedthevacuumcleanerdownthehall.Aheadofher,bobtailedCalvin,anorangekitten,darted
intoMandy'sbedroomandnodoubtunderthebed.BehindBeth,Calvin'ssisterPollychasedthevacuum
cord.Fromthesamelitter,withthesameupbringing,andonewasterrifiedbythevacuumcleanerwhile
theotherapparentlythoughtitwasjustabignoisymouse.WasthereageneforCourage?
Wasthereoneforleukemia?
Sheturnedintoherdaughter'sbedroomandranthevacuumoverthecarpetwhileshetriednottolook
around,nottothink.Buthereffortwasasuselesstodayasitwaseveryotherday.Mandywasdoingwell
rightnow,toallappearancesanormalpreteen.Infrontofher,Bethpretended;alone,shehadnodefense
againstherfear.Withasighsheswitchedoffthevacuumcleaner.
InthesuddensilenceBethstoodinthemiddleofMandy'sbedroomandgavewaytotheknowing,tothe
terror.Theroomwastooneatbooksinalphabeticalorder,spinesperfectlylinedup,dresserdrawers
andclosetdoorsshut.AndBethknewthatinsidethemtheshoesandthesocksanddressesandjeans
wouldbestackedandhunginorderjustasperfectly,sortedbycolororsometimesbyamysterioussystem
allMandy'sown.Evenherbulletinboardwasordered:schoolpicturesofherfriendsmarchingalongthe
bottom,allheldinplacebythesame-colorthumb-tacks;awardsandribbonsjustabovethemheldby
tacksofadifferentcolor;andintheupperthirdoftheboardatidylineofoddtidbitsadriedbunchof
flowers,apieceoflace,oneearring,anewspaperphotoofthemiddle-schoolboys'soccerteamanda
Garfieldcartoon.ItwasasthoughMandythoughtshecouldsaveherselfbyimposingorderonherworld.
Exactlyatthecenterofherdeskwasherjournal,thecovermarbledpaper,thespinenavyblueleather.
Mandyleftitthereeveryday,neverhidingitasBethsuspectedmostgirlsdidwiththeirdiaries.
Washeropennessanactoftrust?Orawayofbegginghermothertopeekintoherheartandseeherfears?
Sofar,Bethhadn'tletherself.Everyday,sheresistedtheterribletemptation.Agirl'sdiaryshouldbe
private.IfMandyhandedittoher,she'dreadit.Untilthen,shehadtogiveherdaughterthefreedomto
confidetheunspeakable.
Bethblinkedhardtoclearthemistfromhereyes.

Whensherealizedhernosewasrunning,too,shemumbled,"Oh,damn.WhydidIhavetostart?"
Shewasinthebathroomblowinghernosewhenaknocksoundedonthefrontdoor.Herforehead
crinkled.Funny,shehadn'theardtheUPStruckpullin.Oh,well,maybeshe'dstillhadthevacuum
running.
Fortunatelyshehadthehalf-dozenshipmentsofjampackedandreadytogo.Shetossedthetissueintothe
wastebasketandhurriedtoanswerthedoor.
"Hi,I'mallset"Whenshesawthetalldark-hairedmanstandingonherporch,shocksnatchedherbreath
andhervoicewithit.Rob.Oh,God,herdeadhusbandwaswithinarm'sreach.Clutchingthedoorframe,
shewhisperedhisname.
Hemovedhisshouldersuncomfortably."No,I'mNathanMcCabe.Rob'sbrother."
Stillshesaggedagainstthedoor,staring.She'dknownRobhadatwin,hadevenhiredtheprivate
investigatortofindhim,butsomehowshe'dneverdreamedthathewouldbeRoballoveragain.Thehair,
wavyandshortandsilky,thoseprominentcheekbones,thedarkslashofbrowsoverbrowneyes,thethin
hardmouth.Herunbelievinggazesearchedhisfaceforsomedifference,anythingshecouldfastenonto
convinceherselfthathewasn'tRob,thatRobhadn'tfoundawaytocomebacktoher.
Heflushedunderherstare,somethinghersupremelyconfidenthusbandwouldneverhavedone.Butstill.
Hisclothes.Sheseizedonit.Robwouldneverhavechosenanythingasconservativeasagraysuit,white
shirtandnarrowmaroontie.Yetthatsuitjacketwouldhavehungjustthesamewayfromherhusband's
shouldershadhewornit.Eventhisman'shands,tanned,largeandhalf-curledintofists,couldhavebeen
Rob's.Shemadeanotherstrangledsound.
"I'msorry,"hesaidquietly."Ididn'tthink.IshouldhaveletClaytonwarnyou."
Sheliftedhergazebacktohisface."Hefoundyou?"
"Yeah.Ithoughtyou'dbepleased."
"Pleased."Shesoundedandfeltblank,toostunnedforrationalthought.
Hemadethatuneasymovementwithhisshouldersagain."Claytonsaidyouneededme."
Understandingfloodedbackandwithitembarrassment.Shepressedhandstoherhotcheeks."Nathan.
Yourname'sNathan."
Hiseyesmethers."RobcalledmeNate."
"Iknow."Ofcourseshedid."Is...isthatwhatyougoby?"
"Robandourparentsweretheonlyoneswhocalledmethat."
"Family,"shesaidsoftly.
Thegroovesoneachsideofhismouthdeepened."Yeah."
"Wewouldhavebeenfamily."
"Wearefamily,"hesaidwithquietintensity.Bethshookherhead,notinrejectionoftheidea,butin
astonishment.Hewasherebecausesheneededhim.Hewasfamily.
Sheletoutalongbreath."I'msorry.Comein.I'vebeenrude.It'sjust..."
"Welooksomuchalike.Iunderstand.Isupposeit's...unnerving."
Hesteppedpastherandshegaveasmallshiver.

"Hesaidyouwereidenticaltwins.ButsomehowIthoughtafteralltheseyearstherewouldbe
differences."
"Thereprobablyare.Were."Justinsidethelivingroomhestoodsilentforamoment,hisbacktoher."I
didn'tknowhewasdead."
"I'msorry,"Bethsaidagain."Ishouldhavetriedtofindyouthen.Butthat'swhenMandygotsick.I...Ijust
couldn'tdealwitheverything.Itwaseasytoconvincemyselfyouwouldn'tcare."
"Weweretwins.Alotcamebetweenus,butnomatterwhat,weweretiedtogether."Hefacedherandhis
mouthtwisted."Ican'tbelievehe'sdead."
"Please,sitdown."Shemovedtothecouchandcuredupononeend,watchinghimsitstifflyintheworn
wingchairshekeptmeaningtoreupholster.
"How?"Hisvoicewashoarse."Howdidhedie?"
Shelookeddownatherhands."Acaraccident.Healwaysdrovetoofast.HehadthisredCorvettehe
reallyloved."
"Healwayswantedone."Nathan'sdarkeyesbecameunfocusedashesawapastthatRobhadn'tshared
withher.
Shenodded,eventhoughheprobablydidn'tseeher."Iwasgladwhenwecouldaffordit.Wedon'tgetto
fulfillthatmanydreams.NowI'dgiveanythingtotakeitback.Maybeifhe'dbeendrivingadifferentcar
hewouldn'thavebeengoingsofast.Allhewasdoingwascominghomefromwork.Justanormal
commute."Shefellsilent,rememberingthatnight.
InJanuarydarknessfellearly.Theroadshadbeenicy,butRobwassuchagooddriver,evenifhedidgo
toofastsometimes.Hisreflexeswerequick,hisinstinctssure.Thoughhe'dpromisedtobehomebyfive
o'clock,shehadn'tworrieduntilsixcameandwent.She'dcalledhisofficeandgottenonlyarecording.
She'dbeenstandingatthefrontwindow,lookingatthedarkdriveway,willingRobtoappear,whenapair
ofheadlightsturnedin.Agiddyburstofreliefhadtoldherhowworriedshe'dbeen.Andthenfearhad
trickledintoherchest,foralmostimmediatelyshe'drealizedthattheheadlightsweren'tright,didn'tlook
liketheCorvette's.She'dmovedoutontotheporch,huggingherselfagainstthecold,anditwasthenshe'd
seenitwasapolicecar.Thetrooperhadclimbedoutandcomeslowly,heavily,towardher.
Remembering,Bethgaveanothersmallshiverandheardherhusband'sbrothersay,"Areyouallright?"
Sheshookherhead,attemptingtoclearitofmemories."Ourinsurancerateswerehorrendous.WhenI
askedRobtoslowdown,he'djustlaugh.He'dneverhadanaccident,justticketsforspeeding.Itoldhimif
heneededanadrenalinerush,heshouldtakeupskydiving.Itwouldhavebeensafer."
"Didhe..."Nathanclearedhisthroat."Didhehitanybodyelse?"
"Oh,yeah."Shewasstaringstraightahead,thatvideostillplayingforher."Avandrivenbyamotherwith
hertwokids.TheroadwasicyandtheCorvetteapparentlywentintoaskidandcrossedthecenterline.
Robdiedinstantly.Themotherhadsomebrokenbones,butthankGodsherecovered.Thekidswerein
carseatsandweren'thurtatall.Iftheyhadbeen..."Shepressedherlipstogether.

"Itwouldn'thavebeenyourfault,"hesaidquietly.
"Maybenot,butitfeltlikeitwas."
Theireyesmet,"held;forasecondshe'dhavesworntheworldnarrowedtothetwoofthem.Thenshe
squeezedhereyesshutjustlongenoughtoblotoutthememories.
Almostcomposed,Bethlookedfromhishands,spreadonthesmoothgrayfabricofhisslacks,backtohis
face.Don'tthinkaboutRob,shetoldherself.He'sherebecauseofMandy;nothingelsematters.
"Mr.Claytontoldyouaboutmydaughter?"
Nathanleanedforward."Hesaidshehasleukemia.Heshowedmeapicture."
"Yes."Shebitherlip."She'sdoingfinerightnow,butdoctorsgiveheronlytwoorthreeyearsunlessshe
hasabone-marrowtransplant.Wecan'tfindadonorwhomatches.Wouldyoubewilling?"
"That'swhyI'mhere,"Hefrowned."Isn'therstheusualchildhoodleukemia?Ithoughtdoctorsweredoing
wonderswithchemotherapy."
"Theyare."Herthroatwantedtoclose,whichsurprisedher.SheandMandyhadlivedwiththebogeyman
forsolongnow;she'dexplainedtheillnessoverandoveragaintoteachersandprincipalsandtheparents
ofMandy'sfriends.Whywasithardnowtodescribethemonsterinsideherchild?
Somehowshekepthervoicesteady."MandyAmandahasamoreunusualformofleukemiaforchildren,
calledchronicmyelogenousleukemia.Itwassuchashock.Shestartedhavingstomachcramps.We
thoughtshehadtheflu.Aweeklatershefeltbetterandwentbacktoschool.Butthenthecrampsstarted
again.Shewasinagony.Ofcourse,Itookhertothedoctor."Bethlookeddowntofindthatshewas
wringingherhands.Withaneffortsheseparatedthem.
"Thatmusthavebeenfrightening."
Sheletoutabreathinalaughthatheldnohumor."Terrifyingisabetterword.WhenIwasachild,my
bestfrienddiedofleukemia.Theycouldn'tdoanythingthen.Shejust...camehomeuntilshewastoosick,
thenwentintothehospitaltodie.TohaveMandygetit,too..."Why?shecriedinside.DearGod,why
her?
Nathanstirred,asthoughhewouldhavelikedtocomeovertoher.Orwashelongingtobolt,instead?
Bethhaddiscoveredthatmanypeopleweresouncomfortablewiththesubjecttheyavoidedher.
"Mandyhadlumps,too,aroundherankles.She'dnoticedthemandjustshruggedthemoff,Iguess.She
wasonlyeight.Assoonasshewasdiagnosed,theystartedchemotherapy.Shelostallherhairandwas
horriblysick.Sherespondedwell,though.Butthedoctorswarnedusthatthisformofleukemiais
essentiallyincurablewithoutatransplant.Alltheycoulddowasbuytime."
"Whenwasthis?"
Shescrubbedatsuddenlywetcheeks."Threeyearsago."
"ThenRobwasalive...?"
"No."Oh,howangryshe'dbeenathim!"He'dbeendeadamonthwhenshegotsick."
Hemadeasoundinhisthroat."Didyouhaveanyoneto...?"
"Friends."Shetriedtosmile."Strangers.People

werewonderful.Idon'tthinkIcookedamealforsixmonths.Casseroledishesjustappeared."
Hisdarkeyesdidn'twaver."Thenwhathappened?"
"Wecouldn'tfindadonor.Ihavesuchasmallfamily,andnoneofuscomesclose.Thedonorregistry
hasn'tfoundanyone.Ayearandahalfago,Mandygotreallysickagain."Bethfoughtforcomposure.
"Thistimethedoctorsusedbothchemotherapyandradiation.If...ifshegetsthatsickagain,shemightbe
tooweaktosurvivetheprocedure.Shedesperatelyneedsthebone-marrowtransplant."
"WasshesuretomatcheitherRoboryou?"
"No."Didshesoundashelplessasshefelt?Bethwondered."Apatientcanhavealargefamilyandnotbe
acloseenoughmatchwithanyofthem.Buttheoddsarealotbetterwithyouthantheywouldbewith
someoneunrelated.Thentheoddsbecomesomethinglikeoneintwentythousand."
Heroseasthoughhecouldn'tbeartositanylonger."I'lldoanything."
Shestoodslowly,hereyesblurred."Thankyou,"shewhispered.
Hecamearoundtheendofthecoffeetable,thismanwholookedsomuchlikeherhusband.Therehe
stopped,asthoughunsurewhattodooruncertainofherreaction.Ifhe'dopenedhisarms,shewouldhave
steppedintothem,laidherheadagainsthischest,acceptedhisstrengthandcomfort.Itwasdisquietingto
knowhoweasilyshecouldhaveacceptedalmostanythingfromhim,atotalstranger.Shedidn'tliketo
thinkshewouldhavepretendedhewasRob.
Thisman'seyeswereunreadable,dark,butheliftedahandandcarefullybrushedawaythetearsfromher
cheek.Thegesturewasheart-stoppinglyintimate,andyetinnocent.Anyadultmightdothesametoahurt
child.
"I..."
Hervoicewashigh,breathless."I'dbettercallthehospital.Make...makearrangements."
Heclearedhisthroatandsteppedback."Icangoanytime."
Sheblinkedatthereminderofeverydaydetails,andwasalittleashamedshehadn'taskedanyquestions
abouthislife.Notevenwherehelived.
"DoyoulivearoundSeattle?Ordidyouflyin?"
"Flew.I'mfromPortland."
"Maybetheycouldstilldothebloodtesttoday.Youhaven'tcheckedintoahotelalready,haveyou?Ihave
anextrabedroom."
Heshookhisheadimmediately."I'mafraidIcan'tstayovernight.Notthistime.Ihaveanearly-morning
meetingbackinPortland."
Shewonderedifhe'dplanneditthatwaytogivehimselfanescape.
Wouldtheyeverseehimagainaftertheprocedure?Diditmatter?sheaskedherselfimpatiently.Hewas
herenow;thatwaswhatcounted.
"Um...wouldyoulikeacupofcoffee?Oranythingelse?"
"Thankyou,"hesaid,"butno."
"Thenexcusemeforamoment."
"Mrs.McCabe?"Hisvoicestoppedherinthedoorway.
Sheturned."Yes?"
"Claytondidn'ttellmeyourname.Hekeptcallingyouthewidow."

"Beth."Sheactuallysmiled,iftremulously."I'mBethMcCabe."
Thetouchofhisdarkeyeswasaspalpableasaknucklebrushinghercheek."Beth.BethandMandy."
"Doesitfeelstrange?"Sheflattenedherhandagainstthedoorframe.
"Tobeherelikethiswhenyoudidn'tevenknowweexisted?"
"Verystrange,"headmitted,"butright."
Shegaveasmallnodandlefthiminherlivingroom.Inherofficeshesatdownattheenormousrolltop
desk,reachedforthephoneandsuddenlyfeltherselftremblingallover.Shesqueezedherhandsintofists
andclosedhereyes.Itwasjustreactiontheshockoffindingherhusband'sdoubleonherdoorstepand
theknowledgethathecouldbethegiftoflifetoMandy.
Sheknewshewascryingagain,butdidn'tcare.He'dcomewithouthesitation.Hewaswilling.Forthe
firsttimeinalongwhile,shehadhope.

Thehousewastoosilentafterhisbrother'swidowlefttheroom.
Feelingthetensioninhisneckandback,Nathanlistenedforherfootstepsorhervoice.Nothing.Itwasas
thoughshe'dneverexisted,asthoughhe'dimaginedfindingher.Hebegantopace.
AfewstridestookhimfromtheOrientalrugontohardwoodfloor.Theoldfashioned,high-ceilinged
parlorhadthetallglassedwindowstypicalofthetimethehousewasbuiltbetween1910and1920,he
guessed.Lacycurtainshungopen.Heglancedoutonesidewindowatfieldsofsomekindof
vineprobablyberry-twiningalongwiresupports.Ahandsomewoodensignoutattheroadhadsaid
TillicumCreekFarm.Hesupposedthefieldswentwiththehouse.Butsurely,hethought,frowning,Beth
wasn'tfarmingalone.
Allthewhile,heknewhisspeculationwasnomorethananattempttodistracthimselffromtheframed
photographslovinglydisplayedonthefireplacemantel.He'dnoticedthemthemomenthesteppedinthe
room.
Theyexertedaforcethatbothrepelledanddrewhim.Itwasthepullthatwaswinning.
HehadpicturesofRob,too,acoupleofboxesofalbumsthathadbeenfaithfullykeptbyhismother,
stashedinaseldomopenedcloset.He'dgonestraighttotheclosetwhenheclosedthedooronRichard
Clayton,PI.Whenhepulledthealbumsoutoftheboxandflippedthemopen,he'dfoundonlythekidhis
brotherhadbeen:cheeky,smart-mouthed,toocharismaticforhisowndamnedgood.Histwin.Thatpart
ofhimselfhe'dsavagelyexcised.NonewereofthemanRobhadbecome.Hehadcriedfinally,howlsof
agonyhe'dkeptcorkedtightlyinsidefortoomanyyears.WiththeknowledgeofRob'sdeath,thesealhad
failed,andthepoisonofhisbitternessandlonelinesspouredout.Itwasthemostterriblenightofhislife,
worsethandiscoveringhowhisbrotherhadbetrayedhim,worsethantheirfight,worsethanlosinghis
parentsorhiswife'sleavinghim.
Andnowhewouldbeconfrontedwiththemanhisbrotherhadbecome.
Bracinghimself,Nathanapproachedthefireplace.Robwasthereallright,inhalf-a-dozenphotos,
grinninginthatcrookedlazywaywomenalwayshadfoundirresistible.Nathangrippedtheedgeofthe
mantel,feelingasthoughthe

windhadbeenkickedoutofhim.Bracinghimselfhadn'tworked.Hetriedtolookawayfromthe
photographsuntilhecouldcontrolhisreaction,buthishungertoseehisbrother'sfacewastoogreat.In
theseaofpain,Nathanwasvaguelyawareofsurprise:Robhadn'tchangedverymuchfromNathan's
memoryofhim,whichdidn'tgibewithRob'shavingbeenamarriedmanwithachild.Maybethechange
wasallontheinside.
Inonlyacoupleofthephotoswashealone;theotherswereeitherfamilyportraitsorhomesnapshots.In
onehehadadark-hairedtoddleronhisshoulders.ShewasclutchingDaddy'shairandgrinning,heels
drumminghischest,ifNathanwasanyjudge.InanotherRobworeasuit,thesolemnityspoiledbythetie,
whichsportedaboldVanGoghsunset.ThistimeAmandamusthavebeensevenoreight;shestood
proudlybesidehiminpatent-leathershoesandaprettydresswithapleatedskirtandabigfatbowonone
shoulder.Theylookeduncannilyalike,despitethegenderandagedifference.Theybelongedtogether.
HowcouldRobbegone?
ButtheoneshefoundhimselfmostreluctanttolookatwerethosethatincludedBeth,thestudioportraits.
Inthem,theyweretheperfectfamily:broad-shoulderedhandsomemanhoveringprotectivelyoverhis
delicatewifeandcutedaughter.Rob'sexpressionseemedtoholdalittlesmugness;I'vegotitall,Nathan
imaginedhimsaying.AsakidRobwouldhaveadded.Andyoudon't.
Nathansworeunderhisbreathandmuttered,"Growup."Hewasn'ttalkingtohisbrother.Hewasshocked
todiscoverhowmuchcompetitivenesshestillfelt,evenamidsthisgrief.Nowonderhe'dbeenafailure
asahusband!Nowonderhecouldn'tbringhimselftoforgivethepersonwhohadoncebeenthemost
importantintheworldtohim.Hewascorrodedinsidebytheacidofhisresentment.
RightnowmostofithadtodowithBethMcCabe,thewomanRobhadmarried.Didn'titfigurethat,at
leastinthelooksdepartment,shewasexactlywhathadalwaysattractedNathanmorethanhisbrother?
Curlyblondhairnotthegoldofashinynewweddingring,butsomethingpaler,softer,ashimmerinstead
ofaglitter.Creamyskinwithafewunexpectedfrecklesonhersmallnose.Mistgrayeyesthatwere
candidanduncomfortablyperceptive.Asmall-bonedbuildthatlookedfragilebutprobablywasn't.He'd
noticedhershortunpaintednails,seenafewscratchesonherhands.Herclothesdidn'tmatchthechina-
dollimage,either:sheworesnug,fadeddenimjeanswithaMadrascottonshirtknottedaroundher
slenderwaist,outliningsmallbutshapelybreasts.
Robhadalwayslikedflashierwomen,oneswithbigtitsandpoutylipsandinvitationintheireyes.Which
hadn'tstoppedhimfrompursuingtheoneswithaquieterkindofbeautyoncehe'dnoticedhisbrother's
interest.Ithadbeenhislife'sworktodemonstratethatanythingNathancouldhaveordo,hecouldhaveor
do,too.
Nathanfocusedonhisbrother'sgrinagainandcouldhaveswornithadbecomeatauntfromthepast.
"Whatthehellisthematterwithme?"hesaidaloud,backingawayfromthemantel.GoodGod,didhe
stillhateRobafterallthistime?
Maybehisbrother

neverhadbeentheonewiththeproblem.Maybehewas.
Beforehehadachancetopursuethedisquietingthoughtheheardthefrontdoorslam,quickfootstepsand
agirl'svoice."Hey,Mom,whatareyoudoing"Shebrokeoffsuddenly,obviouslynoticingtherewasa
maninthelivingroom.Hisbackwasstilltoher."Oh,sorry.Ididn'tknowanybodywashere."
Nathanturnedtofaceherwithdamnnearasmuchreluctanceashe'dapproachedthefamilyportrait
gallery.Heshouldn'thavecomelikethis,takenthembysurprise.
Hegotwhatheexpectedanddeserved.Theskinnycurly-hairedgirlfirstflushed,thenpaled.Inaclogged
voiceshesaid,"Daddy?"
Hefeltlowerthanlice.Nothinglikereplayingthisscene,andwithachildevenmorevulnerablethanher
mother.
"No,"hesaidquickly."No,I'mnotyourfather.IknowIlooklikehim.Weweretwins.I'mhisbrother."
Shedidnothingbutstarefromthosehugedarkeyesforalongunnervingmoment.Thenshesaid
tentatively,"AreyouUncleNate?"
Hewasn'tsurewhichparthithimharder,the"Uncleorthe"Nate."
Rob'snameforhim.
"Yeah.That'sme."
"Daddy..."Shepressedherlipstogether."Daddyusedtotalkaboutyousometimes."
"Didhehaveanythinggoodtosay?"Natecringedinwardlyathisquestion.Didhesoundlikehewas
begging?Throwmeacrumb.Tellmemybrotherrememberedmewithsomeaffection.
"Well,ofcourse!"Hersmilewasunexpectedlymerryinthatsolemnlittleface."Heusedtotellmeabout
thingsyouguysdidtogether.Youknow.Pranks."Thesmiledimmedalittle."Hesaidhehadn'thadas
muchfunsince."
Thatparthadhurtherfeelings,Nathancouldtell.Hewantedtotellhertheprankshadn'tbeenfunatall,
thoughprobablythey'dstartedoutthatway.Buthecouldhardlysay,"Yourdadlied.Helikedcruel
pranks."
Hesettledfor,"Twinscanpullthingsoffthatnooneelsecan."
"IwishIhadone,"shesaidwistfully.
Thispangwasclosertoaknifestabbinginhischest.Ifshehadatwin,shecouldbecuredofleukemia.
Shehadtobethinkingthat.
"Ithasitsdownside.Sometimes..."Hehesitated,thensaidwhathe'dneveradmittedaloud,"Sometimes
you'renotsurewhetheryouexistatallalone."
Hereyesweredisconcertinglyintense.Itwasareliefwhen,afteramoment,sheduckedherheadand
hunchedhershouldersawkwardly."Uh,doyouknowwheremymomis?"
"Shewentofftomakeaphonecall."
"Oh."Herheadliftedandsheofferedhimapolitesmile."Excuseme.I'llgotellherI'mhome."
"Sure."
Sheturnedandwalkedrightintohermother,whocamethroughthedoorway.Amandagasped,andBeth
gaveherahug."Sorry.Isneakeduponyou."Thoughhertonewaslight,Beth'sgazewentstraighttohim,
andhesawthewarinessinit."DidyoumeetyouruncleNathan?"

"UncleNate.That'swhatDaddyalwayscalledhim."
Always.HadRobtalkedabouthimoften?Missedhim?Nathanhadadisorientingsenseoftheground
shiftingunderhisfeet.Alltheseyearshe'ddonehisdamnedestnottothinkabouthisbrother.Someday
they'dforgiveandforget.Butwhatwasthehurry?ApartfromNathan,hismirrorimage,maybeRob
wouldquitfeelingasifhehadtoprovehimselfoverandover.Maybehe'dfindcontentment.
Well,toallappearanceshehad.Withluckhe'dbeenfreedtorememberNathanwithfondness.
Motheranddaughterwerestaringathim,herealizedsuddenly.He'dbeensilenttoolong,missed
something."I'msorry,"hesaid.
Nobodyrepeatedwhateveritwas.Amandasuddenlyfrowned."WhyisUncleNateherenow?"
ThealarminBeth'seyeswasclear,aswasherdilemma.Didshetellthetruthand,perhapsfalsely,raise
herdaughter'shopes?Orlie?
Hehadnoideahowmuchhisnieceknewaboutherillness.Hisniece.
Alreadyhecouldn'tbeartothinkofherdying.Ifhehadn'tseenthatschoolpicture,whichmusthavebeen
takenafewmonthsago,hemightnothavebelievedinherillness.Herhairwasseveralincheslongernow
andcurly,ahalosurroundingapiquantfacethatwasallcheekbonesandhighforeheadandbigeyes.She
wasthin,butnomoresothanmanygirlsheragewhohadbarelybegundeveloping.Hermotherhad
probablylookedmuchthesame,onlyhercurlswouldhavebeensilkypale,insteadoffineanddark.
Ifshe'dmeanttolie,Bethshouldn'thavehesitatedaslongasshedid.
Amandasteppedawayfromherandliftedherchin."Ithassomethingtodowithmyleukemia,doesn'tit?"
Bethvisiblygatheredherself."Yes,"shesaidgently."He'sheretohavehisbloodtestedtofindout
whetherhemightbeasuitablebone-marrowdonor."
Mandywentcompletelystill,unblinking.Thenshefocusedonhisface,gaveasmallnodandsaid
politely,"Thankyou."Sheturnedtohermother."MayIgetasnack?"
"Ofcourseyoucan."LinesformedonBeth'sbrowasshewatchedherdaughterleavetheroom,
composureundented
Nathanwaitedforamoment.Thenheaskedinalowvoice,"Issheafraidofthetransplant?"
HehadneverseenawomanlookasvulnerableasBethMcCabedidatthatmoment."Doyouknow,"she
said,"Idon'thavetheslightestidea?"
"Shedoesn'ttalktoyou?"heaskedincredulously.Sheclaspedherhandstogetherasthoughshewas
praying."Onanyothersubject,yes.Onthisone...shelistensandnodsandasksquestionswhenshe
doesn'tunderstandsomething.Usuallysheanswersadirectquestion.
Butascloseaswe'vealwaysbeen,Itrulydon'tknowhowfrightenedsheis.Ithink..."Hervoicebroke.
"It'sasifshesensesmyfearanddoesn'twanttoburdenmewithhers."
Henoddedandshovedhisfistedhandsintohispantspockets.Itwastheonlywayhecouldfiguretokeep
himselffrompullingherintohisarms.Theydidn'tknoweachotherwellenoughforthat,evenifhefeltas
thoughtheydid.Ormaybeheonlywishedtheydid.

"Whendotheywantmeatthehospital?"heaskedwithunplannedbrusqueness.
Shegaveherheadashake,asthoughshecouldridherselfofsadthoughtslikeadogshakingoffwater
droplets."Now,ifyouwanttogo.It'sinSeattle,atChildren'sHospital.Atleastyou'regoingagainstrush-
hourtraffic.Youcanmakeitinforty-fiveminutes."
"HowlonguntiltheyknowwhetherI'mamatch?"
"Awhile,unfortunately.Nextweeksometime.ThedoctorguessedThursday."Bethsmiledwanly."You
wouldn'tbelievehowslowlytimecancrawl.Orhowlittlesleepyoucanexiston."
Heknewdamnwellthathewouldn'tsleepmuchtonight,either.Nomorethanhehadlastnight.Thenhe'd
hadonlyhisbrother'sghosttotormenthim.Now,Amanda,slenderandtoograve,wouldstandbesideher
fathertostarereproachfullyathiminhiswakingnightmares.
Sheandhermotherneededhim,andbehatedlikehellknowingthathisabilitytoplaytheherowasno
moreinhiscontrolthantomorrow'sweather.
Yeah,hetoldhimself,andifyoudoturnouttobethehero,it'sonlybecauseyou'reacarboncopyofRob.
Ahumblingthought.
"I'monmyway,then,"hesaid.
"We...we'dreallyliketogettoknowyou."Hergrayeyeswereanxious."Willyoucome.foralonger
visitsoon?AsIsaid,Ihaveanextrabedroom.Maybeyoucouldspendaweekend."
"You'resure?Itwouldn'tupsetAmanda?"
"Areyoukidding?"Bethactuallyreachedoutandsqueezedhisarm.
"You'rethenextbestthingtohavingherdadbackagain.You'dbegoodforher."
Healmostwishedhehadn'tgivenhimselfanout,thathewascomingbackheretonight.Buthe'dfiguredit
wouldbeeasierforeveryoneifhedidn'thavetheoptionofhangingaround.
"Ifyoumeanit,Icouldcomenextweek.Say,Thursdaymorning."He'dratherbeherewhenshegotthe
news,goodorbad.Maybeespeciallyifitwasbad."IcouldstayuntilFridayafternoon."
Shesmiled,forafleetingmomentradiant,lettinghimglimpsewhatshewouldlooklikefreedfromher
ever-presentfear."Blessyou.We'lllookforwardtoit.It'llgiveMandysomethingtothinkabout."
Somethingbesidesthebloodtestwaswhatshemeant.
HenoddedandletBethwalkhimtohisrentalcar.Onthewaydownthelongbumpylane,heallowed
himselfawrysmile.Theyneededhim,allright.Hewas"thenextbestthing"tohavingRobbackagain.
Heguessedhislittlebrotherbyoneminutehadwonanotherround.
ButwhenNathanglancedinhisrearviewmirror,hesawthatthesmallerfigureofRob'sdaughterhad
comeoutontotheporchtojoinhermotherinstaringafterhiscar.Hewasinstantlyashamedofthe
pettinessofhisthoughts.
Onlyonepersoncountedhere.AmandaMcCabe.Rob'sdaughterandhisniece.Whateverangerhadlain
betweenthebrothers,onthisthey'dbeunited,Nathanfeltsuddenlysure.Hehopedtherewassomebody
uptherelisteningwhenheprayedthathisbloodwasMandy'ssalvation,sinceRobcouldn'tbehere.

CHAPTERTWO

Nathanwasvirtuallyuselessatworkthatweek.Allthememorieshe'drepressedthesepastfifteenyears
stolebackoneatatime.Theycameatunexpectedmoments,onecatchingathimlikeasharpnailtearing
skin,anotherpokinglikealittleboyjabbinghimwithastick,yetanothermakinghimsmilebeforehe
clenchedhisteethinagony.Thememoriesslippedintohisdreams,andhewoketwicewithafacewet
withtears.Momentsofdistraction,ofrealattentiontothelifetakingplacerightinfrontofhim,were
slicedshortbytheknifeedgeofaname,aface.Hejoggedeachmorningfromhabit,buteventhenthepain

ofhisbrother'sdeathgrippedhimlikeasideache.
Hedidn'tunderstandtheextentofhisgrief.Hehadn'tseenRobforsomanyyears,hardlyeventhoughtof
him.He'devenbelievedhehatedhisbrother.Curiously,terrifyingly,hisdreamsfilledinthoselostyears.
HewasatRob'swedding,watchinghisbrotherlifttheveil,kisshisbride.Somehow,Amandawasthe
flowergirl.Anothernight,Robdroveupinhisbrand-newredCorvette,eagertoshowitoff.Theywent
foradrive,andtheroadwasicy.Inthemiddleofalongskid,Nathanwokeuptohisownmuffledshout.
Godalmighty.He'dseenthroughthewindshieldofthevantheywereabouttohithead-on.Bethwas
drivingandAmandawasinthepassengerseat.
Therewereother,moreinnocuousdreams.RobsittingbesidetheirparentsatNathan'scollegegraduation.
Attheotherendoftherope,belayingNathan,onaclimbupThreeFingers.
UndertheonslaughtonlyonethoughtheldNathantogether:Rob'sdaughterneededhim.
AndBethwasright.Nathanhadn'tknowntimecouldslowdowntothepointwherewaitingfortheclock
tomoveforwardaminutewaslikewaitingforthenextdripfromaleakyfaucet.He'dsneakglancesathis
watchduringmeetings,thenfindouthe'dmissedhalfofwhatwenton.AsMondaypassed,thenTuesday,
histensionrose,likethejaggedenergytoomuchcaffeinegavetoanexhaustedman.Finally,Tuesday
eveninghecouldn'tstandit.Hecalled.
"Nowordyet,"Bethtoldhiminanupbeatvoice,whichmeantherdaughterwasnearby."ButMandy's
doinggreat.ShegotstraightA'sthisquarter."
"Hey."Hefeltabsurdlypleased,asthoughhisgeneshadhelpedmakehersmart."CanItalktoher?"
"Youbet."
Asecondlater,"UncleNate?"
"Congratulationsonthe4.0.Youandyourmomcelebrating?"
"ShetookmetoBaskinRobbinsforanice-creamsundae.Itwasreallygood."
"Youdeservedit."Whenshedidn'tsayanything,hecontinued,"MayIspeaktoyourmomagain?"After
Bethcamebackon,Nathanasked,"Any

chanceIcanmovemyvisituptotomorrow?IhavetoseesomepeopleattheRecreationalCooperative.
It'dbelateafternoon,probablyjustintimefordinner.I'dliketotakeyouandMandyout."
Hervoicewarmedevenfurther."Tomorrowwouldbegreat.Mandykeepsaskingaboutyou,andIhaveto
admithowlittleIknow.Butwhydon'tweplanoneatinghere?Youwon'twanttoturnaroundandhead
backintothecity.Wecangooutanothertime.Thursday,ifyoucanstaythatlong."
"Done,"heagreed.Theybrokeofftheconnection,andheimmediatelydialedanothernumber.Maybehe
reallyshouldtrytosetupameetingatR.E.I.

"Doyouhavefamily,Beth?"Thoughhewasspeakingtohermother,Nathansmiledacrossthedinnertable
atAmanda,whoduckedherheadshyly.
"Abrother,butwe'renotclose.He'sageologistforapetroleumcompany.He'sbeeninSaudiArabiafora
coupleofyears,althoughhedidflyhome..."Shehesitatedandglancedatherdaughter.
Nathancouldfinishthesentence.HedidflyhomewhenMandygotsickthelasttime.Hisbloodmustnot
havebeenamatch,either.
"Istillseemystepfatheroccasionallyandwetalkoften,"shecontinued,"butmymotherpassedaway
someyearsago.Lungcancer.Shesmoked."
Nathangrunted."Myfather,too.Emphysemagothim."
"Yes,Robmentionedit."Hergazeflittednervouslyfromhisandshemadeaproductionoutofbutteringa
roll.
Mandyannouncedsuddenly,"IwanttobeadoctorwhenIgrowup."Hertonewasdefiantandheknew
why.Unlikemostkids,shehadnocertaintythatshewouldgrowup.
"Goodforyou,"Nathansaid."Iusedtosaythesame,untilIdiscoveredhowmuchIhatedmycollege
chemistrycourse."
Beth'seyesmethis."Sowhatdidyoudo?"
"Majoredinbusiness,workedafewyearsforEddieBauer,thenIstartedmyowncompany,MountHood
SportingGoods.Wemanufacturesmalltents,sleepingbags,climbingequipment.Stuffforserious
outdoorsmen."
"Why,wehaveacoupleofyoursleepingbags."Expressionarrested,Bethletherforkclatterontoher
plate."OneofthemwasRob's!Didheknow...?"
Grief,suddenandstrangling,tightenedaroundhischest.WhatifRobhadknown?Whatifhe'dboughtthe
sleepingbagsbecausehe'dknown?
Asaoh,hellakindofconnectiontohislostbrother?
"Idon'tsupposehedid."Bethwasn'ttheoneNathanwastryingtoconvince."We'rebasedinPortland.
Unlesshereadaboutthecompanyinthebusinesssectionofthenewspaper,Ican'timaginehowhewould
havestumbledonmyname."
"Hetalkedaboutyouquiteabit,youknow."Shehadn'tpickedupherfork.Tinycreasesformedbetween
herbrows."Didn'tyouever...oh,wonderabouthim?Whathewasdoing?"
"OfcourseIwondered."Angeredgedhistone,thoughitwasn'tdirectedather."Ieventhought...Damn."
Heswallowedhard."LatelyI'dbeenthinkingIoughttotrytofindhim."Andkeptputtingitoff.Nowto
learnRobhadbeendeadtheselastfewyears.
"Robtalkedabouthuntingforyou,too."
"Itwouldn'thavebeenhard,"hesaidshortly."Ididn'thide."
Hervoicecooled."Iencouragedhim.Buthedidn'tthinkyou'dwanttoseehim."
Shedidn'tlikehimbecausehe'dhurtherhusband.Hecouldn'tblameher.Atthemoment,knowingwhat
histemperandpridehadcosthim,hedidn'tlikehimself,either.

Itwassureashelltoolatetodiscoverhemissedhistwin.
Outofhisperipheralvision,NathansawAmandawatchinghimanxiously.
Helaiddownhisknifeandfork.Curiosityprovokedthequestion,butadesiretoreassurethegirlmade
himschoolhisvoicetobepleasantlyinquiringnomore,noless.
"WhatdidRobdo?Healwaysintendedtogotolawschool.Saidhehadagoldentongue,couldtalk
anybodyintoanything."
Bethwrinkledhernose."Hetalkedmeintomarryinghim,andwe'donlymetamonthbefore."
AbittermemorysurfacedbrieflybeforeNathancouldshoveitunderagain.Histonewassardonic."He'd
havebeenanotherClarenceDarrowifjurieswereallmadeupofwomen."
"Becausewe'reallopentosuggestion?"sheaskedtartly.
"OnlyRob's."
Amandawasturningherheadtofollowtheconversationasthoughitwereatennismatch."Who's
ClarenceDarrow?"
"Afamoustriallawyer."
"Oh."Shethoughtitover."Youmean,Dadtalkedwomeninto"Shebrokeoffabruptly,hercheeks
flushingcrimson.
"Inhighschool,yourfatheralwaysdatedtheprettiestgirls,"Nathansaid,smilingather."Inevercould
figureoutwhereIwentwrong."
"Maybehedressedcooler."Amandasoundedteenage-wise,althoughshewasonlyeleven."Orhungout
withmorepopularkids.Sometimesgirlslikeguysforreallydumbreasons."
Hisgrinthistimewasgenuine."Right.Ithadtohavebeenhisclothes.Ormayhebecauseheworehis
hairlonger.Ihadtocutminetobeonthewrestlingteam."
"LikeSlaterin"SavedbytheBell.""
NathanknewvaguelyitwasaTVshow."Yeah,"heagreed.
"Dadwasreallycool,though,"Amandasaid."HedrovearedCorvette.Allmyfriendswishedtheirdads
werelikehim."
Nathanglancedatthegirl'smother,catchingaflashofpaininhereyes,butshehiditquickly.
BeforeAmandacouldrememberthatherfather'sredCorvettehadkilledhim,Nathansaid,"Youlooklike
him.Especiallywhenhewasyourage.Exceptwewerebothshrimps."
"Youmean,youwereshorterthanallthegirlsinfifthgrade?"sheaskedincredulously.
"Yep.Myegohasneverrecovered."
Shedigestedthat."ButifIlooklikeDad,thatmustmeanIlooklikeyou,too."
Heexchangedasilentglancewithhermother.ThistimeBethsaideasily,"Ireallycanseearesemblance
toyouruncleNathan."
"UncleNate,"Amandacorrectedher.
Bethlookedfromhisfacetoherdaughter'sandbackagain."It'spartlyyourcoloring,but...oh,there's
somethingabouttheshapeofyourface.Andyournose."
"ButIlookkindoflikeyou,too,don'tI?"Amandasoundedsuddenlyanxious.
Nathangaveherateasingsmile."TheprettypartcomesfromyourMom."
"ButI'mnotpretty,"shesaidgloomily."I'mshapedlikeastickandmyhair'ssodumbandshort,andMom
saysIhavetogetglasses."
"Bythetimetheboysareworthlookingat,"Bethsaid,"IpromiseI'llletyougetcontacts."
Hefeltanothertwistinhisgut.Havingaconversationwithhisniecewaslikecrossinganunstable
snowfield.ThefuturewaseverythingtomostkidsAmanda'sage,butshehadtolivewiththeknowledge
thatshemightnothaveone.

HowthehelldidBethmanagetotalkaboutnextyearandtheyearafterandtheoneafterthatasthough
theywerecertainties?IfhehurtforAmanda,whatmusthermotherfeel?Yetshewasabletoquietly
expressherfaithoverandoveragain,justbyassumingthatAmandawouldbearoundtoneedcontactsand
bracesandabra.SomedayAmandawouldknowhowluckyshehadbeen.
Ifshehadthatsomeday.
HadRobknownhowluckyhewas?Nathantriedtoimaginehisbrothersittinginthischair,presiding
overthefamilydinner,listeningtoAmandachatteraboutschool,thenhiswiferelatingtidbitsofherday.
Thepicturejustwouldn'tdevelop,likeaPolaroidsnapshotstillmurky.
Maybeshesawhisdiscomfort,becauseBethsteeredtheconversationtogeneralities.Nextthingheknew,
motheranddaughterbothstoodandstartedclearingthetable."Coffee?"Bethasked.
Hepushedbackhischair."Thanks.CanIhelp?"
"Yournextvisit."
Hersmilelookedalittleforced."Tonightyou'reaguest."
Bythetimethecoffeewasready,Amandahadgoneupstairstodoherhomework.Bethbroughthiscup
andamugofherbalteaforherselfouttothelivingroom.Shekickedoffhershoesandcurleduponone
endofthesofa.
Beforeshecouldthinkupyetanotherinnocuoustopic,heasked,"WhatkindofworkdidRobdo?"
"Sales.Hewasaregionalsalesrepforanelectronicscompany.Hemajoredinbusiness,too."
DamnedifNathandidn'tfeelasurgeofresentment.Onemorethinghehadn'tbeenpermittedtodoalone.
Histwinhadechoedhiminthat,too.
Buttheresentmentwasmild,ashadowoftherawfurythathaddriventhemapart.Robcouldn'tpossibly
havecopiedhimdeliberately.Thefactthatthey'dtakenthesamepathinthelasttwoyearsofcollegewas
justanotherreminderofhowmuchaperson'snaturewasdeterminedbygenes.Heandhisbrotherhad
beenalikebecausetheycouldn'thelpit;hell,maybehewasattractedtoRob'swidowbecausehewas
programmedtobejustlikehistwin.Maybetheirlifelongbattletobeuniqueindividualshadbeen

doomedfromthebeginning,becausephysiologicallytheywereidentical.
Hersoftvoiceinterruptedhisbrooding."Whydoesthatupsetyou?"
HebecameawarethathewasfrowninginBeth'sgeneraldirection,hiscoffeeuntouched.Herakedhis
fingersthroughhishair."WasIgloweringatyou?Sorry."
"ActuallyIhadthesenseyou'dforgottenIwashere."
Hegrimaced."That'sevenworse."
"Idon'ttakeoffensesoeasily."Hergazewasserene,thoughbewonderedhowmucheffortittookforher
togivethatimpression."Iknowthisisn'teasyforyou.I'mallthemoregratefulthatyouwerewillingto
come."
"HowcouldInot?"Heresistedtheurgetostandupandpace."She'smyniece,forGod'ssake."
"Butyoudidn'tknowher."
"IwishIhad.Iwishmeetingherhadn'ttakensomethinglikethis."
Itswampedhimthen,afacthecouldn'tquitebelieve.Couldn'tquiteaccept.Histhroatclosedandhiseyes
burned.
Dead.Hisbrotherwasdead.Theywerepartofeachother,howeverfarseparated.Robcouldn'tbedead.
Hervoiceenteredhisgrieflikeagentletouch."Hewasawonderfulfather.Sillysometimes.Likealittle
boy.He'dplaygamesforhourswithMandy,giveherridesonhisback.Hecoachedhersoccerteam,even
tookoffworksometimestogoonschoolfieldtrips.Themothersteasedhim,becausehewasusuallythe
onlyfather."Shefellsilentthen,andhelookedupexpectingtoseetears,butinstead,shewassmiling,her
thoughtsobviouslyfaraway.
SoRobhadgrownup.Orelsehisboyishnesshadlethimdoonethingmaybethemostimportantthing
rightbealovingfather.
Bethwasstillgazingatapasthecouldn'tsee,andnowhesawtheshimmerinhereyesthoughshestill
smiled.HisowngriefeasedevenashesawhersandrealizedthatRobhaddonemorethanonething
right.Ifhehadn't,hiswifewouldn'tstillmournhim.Funny,Nathanthought,howhecouldfeelsuchpride
atthesametimejealousygroundaholeinhischest,likeapitonpoundedintorock.
Bethsuddenlystood,blinkingrapidly."I...I'dbettercheckonMandy.IfyouwanttowatchTV..."
Sheneededtogetaway.Hewasjustaseagertogainsomebreathingspacetotrytounderstandallthese
emotionsbufferinghim.Griefshouldbesimple.Whythehelldideverythingfeelsocomplicated?
"No,"hesaid,rising,too."IthinkI'lljustreadinbedforawhile,ifthat'sallright."
"Really,youdon'thavetohurry."Butshedidn'tquitemanagetohideherrelief.
"It'sbeenalongday,"hesaid.
Shehalfturned,headbowed,sothathesawonlythecurveofhercheekandthelonggracefullineofher
neckbelowcurlsbundledintoaknotathernape."Andtomorrow..."Hervoiceached."Oh,tomorrow
willseemendless.Untiltheycall."
Andhe'dthoughtthelastweekwasbad."You'vegonethroughthisbefore."Whyhadn'therealizedwhat
anagonyhisappearancewasputtingherthrough?

Shegavehimonehauntedlook."EachtimeIreallybelieve..."Thewordscaughtonahiccupingbreath.
"Andeachtimeit'sharder."
"Iunderstand."
Shelookedsodamnedfragilethatprimitiveurgetoshelterhergrabbedhimbythethroatagain.Once
more,hehadtoremindhimselfhewasthelastmanwhooughttotakeherintohisarms,evenifcomfort
washisonlyobjective.Howmustshefeellookingathim,seeingherhusbandandknowingwhathereyes
toldherwasonlyanillusion?
ButBethstunnedhim."Thankyouagain,"shewhispered.Soquicklyhemightalmosthaveimagineditshe
cametohim,brushedherlipsagainsthischeekandhurriedfromtheroom.
Hestoodstock-still,breathinginaninsubstantialscentthatremindedhimofripeberriesinthesun,and
cursedthefactthatshewashisbrother'swidow.

Mandysatonherbed,legscrossed,andlistenedtothemurmurofvoicesdriftingupstairs.Sheknewthey
mustbetalkingabouther,andaboutDad.
ItwassobizarrethatDadandUncleNatehadgottensomadateachothertheydidn'twanttobebrothers
anymore.Andtheyweretwins!
OneofMandy'sfriends,April,hadanidenticaltwinsister.EventhoughAprilandSamanthahadother
friends,itwasobvioustheywerealwayseachother'sbestfriend.Inthecafeteriaonce,Aprilgotreally
upset,anditturnedoutthatatthatexactsamemomentSamantha,who'dgoneaheadouttorecess,had
brokenherarmjumpingfromaswing.Everybodythoughtitwasreallyweird,butcool.Mandywondered
ifUncleNateandherdadhadeverfelteachother'spainlikethat.WhenDaddied,hadUncleNatehurt
withoutknowingwhy?
Whatwoulditbeliketohavesomeonewhoknewyouthatwell?Shedroppedherbinderonthefloorand
floppedonherstomachonthebed.
Shedreamedsometimesthatshehadatwin.Itwasn'tjustthathertwinwouldhavetherightblood
antigenstosaveher.Whatshewantedmostwassomeonewhocouldunderstandhowshefelt.Forawhile
shedid;herfirsttimeinthehospitalforchemo,she'dsharedaroomwithanothergirlheragewhohad
leukemia,too.Afterthenursesturnedthelightsout,they'dtalk,nothavingtoseeeachother'sfacesorput
onanykindofact.They'dwonderedwhetherdeathwouldhurt,whethertherereallywasheavenorhell.
Theypromisedeachotherthatifonedied,shewouldtrytocomebacklongenoughtotelltheother.
"Unless"Jessica'svoicehadcomefromthedarkness"it'sreallyawful.ThenIdon'tthinkIwantto
knowahead."
"Me,neither,"Mandysaid.
JessicaleftthehospitaltwoweeksbeforeMandy.ShelivedineasternWashington,sotheycouldn'tsee
eachother,buttheywroteandphoned.
ThenJessicagotsickagainandcamebacktoChildren'sHospital.Mandysawheronce.JessicahadIVs
andoxygenandshewasbruised-looking,andMandyknewshewasdying.Jessicagrabbedherhandand
said,"I'llkeepmypromiseifIcan.Soifyougetanoteordreamaboutmeorsomething,it'sreallyme.
Okay?"
Jessicadiedthenextday,butshenevercametoMandy,unlessitwasinadreamMandydidn'tremember
whenshewokeup.Thatscaredher,becauseitmeanteitherthatdyingreallywashorrible,orthatJessica
wasjustgonethattherewasn'tanysoulorspiritoranythingleftthatcouldkeepapromise.Itscared
Mandymostthattheremightbenothingatallleftofherwhenshedied.
Hernexttimeinthehospital,herroommatewasonlysix,andMandyhadtoreassureher.Shecouldn'ttalk
aboutdying.Nowshewasreallyalone.Children'sHospitalhadcounselors,buttheydidn'treallyknow

her.Momalwayspretendedthatthingswouldbefine.Once,alongtimeago,whenMandyaskedherwhat
shethoughtdyingwouldbelike,Momjumpedtoherfeetandsaid,"You'renotdying!Iwon'tletyou!"
She'dsoundedmad,butshe'dalsohadtearssparklinginhereyes.
Mandyhadn'taskedheragain.
NowsherolledontoherbackandgazedupattheposterofChristianSlatershehadtapedtoherceiling.
MaybeUncleNate'sbloodwouldturnouttoberight.Before,theyhadn'thadanybodyfromDad'ssideof
thefamilytotest.AndhewasDad'stwin.Theoddsmustbeprettygood,right?Sheexaminedherfeelings
anddiscoveredshewashopeful.
Shepicturedthefeelingasalittlebubblelodgedinherchest.Abubble,becauseitwasshimmeryand
iridescentanditwantedtofloatupwardwhereshecouldn'tignoreit.Butalsoabubblebecauseitcould
bepoppedsoeasily.Thetiniestpinprickanditwouldbegonesnap!justlikeJessicawasgone.
Shesniffedandrealizedhercheekswerewet.Shenevercriedanymore.
SheneverletherselfthinkaboutJessica,either.
FootstepsonthestairswarnedherthatMomwascoming.Mandysatupquickly,wipedhereyes,thenbent
overandgrabbedherbinderandpencil.BythetimeMomsteppedintoherbedroom,Mandywasstudying
thenextmathproblem.
"How'sitgoing,kiddo?"hermotherasked.
"Okay."
"Needanyhelp?"
Mandyshrugged."Notreally."
Momsatontheedgeofthebedandpushedherbangsbackfromherforehead."Areyoualmostdone?It's
bedtime."
"Idon'treallyhavetodothis.Icanfinishitinclass.I'llgobrushmyteethnow."Shejumpedup."Will
youtuckmein?"
"Youbet."Momsmiledather."Sowhatdoyouthinkofyouruncle?"
Mandysatbackdown.Shedidn'tmindtalkingabouthim."IlikeUncleNate."Shethoughtforamoment.
"Helistenswhenyoutalktohim.YouknowwhatImean?"
"Uh-huh.He'squieterthanyourfather.Notreallylikehim,ifyoucanforgethislooks."
Mandyfrowned."Doyouthinkwe'lleverseehimagain?Imean,nowthatthey'vetestedhisblood?"
"Hedidcomeback.I'llbethedoesagain.Anyway,ifhematches,you'llseehiminthehospital."Mom
smiled,likeshewassuggestingatriptothezooorsomething."Maybeyoucouldsharearoom."
"Theywouldn'tletme."MandyknewMomwasjustjoking,butsheargued,anyway."Incasehehada
coldorsomething."
"Theywon'tletmetouchyou,either."Momreachedoutandgaveheraquickfiercehug.

Mandydidn'tdrawback.WithherfaceburiedinthecrookofMom'sshoulder,shemumbled,"Doyou
thinkhewillmatch?"
"Thechancesareprettygood,but...youknowhemaynot,don'tyou?"
Momkissedthetopofherhead.
"Yeah,it'sokay.Iknow."
Theydidn'ttalkanymoreaboutit.Momdidn'tsaywhethershethoughtUncleNatewouldwanttocome
backjusttovisit,whetherhereallyfeltlikeheruncle.Shethoughtmaybehewould.Hesmiledatherlike
hemeantit,notfakeylikesomeadults.Mandywishedsheknewwhatthey'dsaiddownstairs.
AfterMomtuckedthecoversaroundherandturnedoutthelight,leavingonlythesoftglowfromthehall,
Mandythought,Idon'twanttodie.Please,God,makeUncleNateberight.Makehimmymiracle.

Waitingwastheworstpart.Eachtimetheyhadhopeofaclosematch,Bethwishedshecouldjustknow,
evenifthenewswasbad.She'drathernotbegivenhopeatallifshewasalwaystobedisappointed.
InthemorningshewokeMandy,thengotherselfdressed.Thehousewasquiet,thedoortothespare
bedroomclosed.She'dawakenedonceduringthenightandseenlightunderhisdoor.Maybehe'dread
late.
Sheassumedhewasstillasleep,butdownstairsshefoundanoteonthekitchencounter."Gonejogging,"
itsaidinboldscript."N."
Mandyateherusualbreakfastofcoldcerealwithaslicedbanana,gotdressed,grabbedthelunchBeth
hadmadeandstartedoutthefrontdoor.Halfwaydowntheporchsteps,sheturned.
"Mom,willyoucallmeatschoolif...if..."
"OfcourseIwill!"BethsethercupofcoffeedownontheporchrailingandmovedtoMandytogiveher
anotherhug."Butwemaynothearuntillateafternoon."
"Okay."Herdaughterlookedunnaturallymatureandsolemnagain."Iknowthat."
"Mandy"Sheheardthesquealofbrakesandlookedup.Throughastandofaldersclothedinspring
greenshesawtheyellowoftheschoolbus.
"There'sthebus.You'dbetterrun."
Mandydid,herbookbagbumpingonherback.Likeeverythingelseshedid,itwasenoughtosendashaft
of"whatif"deepintohermother'sheart.She'dplayedsoccerbeforeshebecamesickthefirsttime.At
leastshecouldrunnow,butthedoctorhadvetoedsports.Hedidn'twanthertogetthattired.
Evenaftertheschoolbushadlumbereddowntheroad,belchingexhaust,anddisappearedaroundacurve,
Bethstayedonthefrontporch.Shesatdownonthetopstep,sippedhercoffeeandgazedatherkingdom.
Thefieldswereweededandthecanesprunedandtiedup.They'dbebloomingsoon,andthesunnyacres
wouldhumfromthebeesfeasting.
Thentheberrieswouldform,smallandgreen,growingandblushinguntiltheywerefatandredorblue
andsweet.Thatwaswhenthehardworkstarted.
Injustfiveyearsshe'dbuiltthisrun-downfarmintoabusinessTillicumCreekJamsandPreserves.She
grewmostofherownraspberriesandstrawberriesandblueberries,thelastonhugebushesthatgrew
happilyinthelowwetlanddownbythecreek.Sheboughtblackberries,boysenberriesandgooseherdes
fromotherlocalfarmers.Thebarn,nowbrightredwithwhitetrim,housedthekitchenwherethejamwas
madeandtheshelveswheresugarandpectinandemptyjarswerereplacedbylabeledjam,storeduntil
shippedtogourmetkitchenshopsandfinerestaurants.Justlastyearshe'daddedamail-orderbusiness
thatwasmoresuccessfulthanhermostoptimisticprojectionsandmadetinyinroadsonhermountingdebt
tohospitalsanddoctorsandpharmacies.ThankGodforRob'slifeinsurance,andfortheincreasing
popularityofherjam.Thefirstfewyearsshe'dmanagedmostlyalone,withsomeseasonalhelp.Nowshe

hadonefull-timeemployeeyear-round.Severalotherssignedontopruneandweedand,duringthe
season,makethreetofourthousandpoundsofjamaweek.
ThebusinesswastohavebeenhersandRob'stogether.Herskillinthegardenandkitchenwastobe
alliedwithhisinmarketing.Somedayhe'dbeabletoquithisjob,they'ddreamed.Becausehetraveledso
much,she'ddonemostofwhatittooktostartTillicumCreekJamsherself,fromdesigningadistinctive
labeltocontactingpotentialoutlets.
Nowshewasgladshe'dprovedherselfbeforehedied,thatshehadn'tlostabusinesspartner,aswellasa
husband.HerabilitytocopeonherownhadbeentestedseverelyenoughbyMandy'sillness.Forashort
whileithadeventurnedhermourningintobitterness,becauseRob'scockyrefusaltoadmithewasmortal
meanthewasn'therenowthathewasreallyneeded.ButRob'sbrotherwas.Asthoughherthoughtshad
summonedhim,shecaughtaflashofcolorthroughthealdersandmadeoutthefigureofamanrunning
alongtheircountrylane.Amomentlaterheturnedintoherlongdrivewayandslowedtoawalk,head
downasheshookhisarmstoloosentightshoulders.
Despitethechillinessofthemorning,heworeabrightredbasketballjerseythatbaredbroadshoulders,
tannedandmuscular.Sackyblacksweatpantsrodelowonhiships.Hisdarkhairwasdampandmattedto
hishead.Whileshewatched,heliftedthehemofthejerseyandwipedbeadsofsweatfromhisface.She
caughtaglimpseofflatstomachandreactedonsomeviscerallevel.Onlybecauseheremindedherof
Rob,shetoldherself,andwasuncomfortablewiththatrealization.
Orperhapshersexualawarenesshadmoretodowiththelast-ditchplanshe'dhadinmindfromthe
momentshe'dhiredtheprivateinvestigator.
Nathanliftedhisheadandsawhersittingontheporchsteps.Hiseyesnarrowedforaflicker,buthisface
remainedimpassive.
Somedaysshe'dstillhavebeeninherbathrobe.Buttoday,inhishonorshe'dshoweredanddressed
beforeshe'devengonedownstairs.Oneofthepleasuresoftheself-employedwasthatdressingmeant
jeans,nosocksandanoversizeflannelshirtwiththetoo-longsleevesrolledup.She'dusedaclipto
confineherhair,althoughshecouldfeelescapedcurlsonherneck.
"Morning,"hesaid."Theyhaven'tcalled?"
Sheshookherhead."It'salittleearly.IfIdon'thearfromthembylateafternoon,I'llphonethem."
Hegruntedandbentovertodosomestretches.

"Whatwouldyoulikeforbreakfast?"sheasked.
"Icanmakemyown."Hebeganrollinghisupperbodyfromthewaist.
"Idon'tmind."
Hestopped,handsonhiships,andliftedadarkbrow."I'mstillaguest?"
"Untilyournextvisit."
"Ah.Inthatcase,I'lltakehashbrowns,anomelet,Englishmuffins."
Hesmiled,deepeningthecreaseinonecheek"Actually,Iusuallyhavecoldcerealathome."
"Ihaven'teatenyetmyself,"Bethsaid."Iwasthinkingofmakingscrambledeggsandtoast.Youcantry
outmyjam."
Henoddedtowardthefield."Theseareyours,then?"
"Uh-huh.Thoseareraspberries.Strawberriesbeyondthebarn,blueberriesdownbythecreek."
"Doyousellthem?"heasked,contemplatingtheacresofvinestiedtowiresstrungbetweensplit-wood
supports.
"Imakejam."Shesmiledathisexpression."It'sabusiness.TillicumCreekJamsandPreserves.We're
smallstill,butdoingwell.Idon'tsupposeyou'veheardofus..."
"Actually,Ibuyyourjam.Usuallytheraspberry.Beatsthehelloutofthegrocery-storebrands.Ishould
havecaughtonwhenIsawyoursign."Henoddedtowardtheroad,hiseyesholdingnewrespect."Was
Robinvolved?"
"Hegavemeadvice.Wehadinmindthateventually,ifthebusinesstookoffthewaywehoped,he'dbe
abletoquithisjobandtakeoverthesalespartofTillicumCreek."
"Itakeitthatdidn'thappensoonenough."
"No."Shewatchedhimwalkinacircletocooloff,herthoughtscastingcirclesoftheirown."Itoccursto
me,"shesaid,"thatIdidn'taskmuchaboutyourlife.Myonlyexcuseisthathavingasickchildmakesyou
single-minded.Areyou...areyoumarried?Doyouhavekidsofyourown?"
"No,andno.Iwasmarriedonce,divorcedafteracoupleofyears.Fortunatelywedidn'thavechildren."
Wordscameshehadn'tintendedtosay."Doyouevermiss...?"
"Yeah."Nathanshotheranunreadablelook."Ialwayspicturedmyselfwithawifeandahouseand
childrenbythisage.It's...ironicthatRobhaditallandIdidn't."
Shesmiledalittlewryly."Yes,healwayssaidhehadn'tplannedtomarry.Welaughedaboutit."
Somethingflashedinhiseyesandthenwasgone."Well"Nathanwipedhisforeheadagain"letmetakea
quickshower,andthenbreakfastsoundsgreat."
Themealwasoddlycompanionable.TheytalkedaboutthenewsonthefrontpageoftheSeattleTimes,
arguedamiablyaboutafewrecentmoviesandavoidedthepainfulsubjectthathadbroughthimhere:
Amanda.
AfterbreakfastBethgavehimatourofthebarn,fromthecommercialkitchenwhereshesterilizedjars
andboiledjaminthirty-gallonsteel

vats,totheworkbenchwherelabelswerewrappedaroundthedistinctivelydesignedjars.
"Myofficeisinthehouse.That'swhereImakemyphonecallsanddocorrespondence.Ihaveonefull-
timeperson,butJulie'sonvacationrightnow.We'reinthelullbeforesummer.DuringberryseasonIhave
acoupleofextraemployees."
Hestudiedhercatalogandtheycomparedexperiencesintheirrespectivebusinesses.Itwasallso
pleasant,soinvolving,shecouldalmostforgetwhattheywerewaitingfor.
Twicethephonerangandherheartjumpedsickeninglybutneithercallwasfromthehospital.Aloud,Beth
consideredgoinggroceryshopping,althoughthetruthwasthatnothingshortofatowtruckcouldhave
hauledheroutofearshotofthetelephone.Nathaninsistedontakingalistandgoingforher,whichlefther
withnothingtodobutdustbookcasesthatdidn'tneeditandscrubabathtubthatalreadysparkled.She
knewshecouldn'tconcentrateonwork;ifshe'dtried,shewouldhavefouleduporders.Andshecouldn't
donothing;she'dgocrazy.Shekeptremindingherselfthatthecallmightnotcometodayatall.Itmightbe
tomorroworeven,conceivably,notuntilMonday.
Nathanwasback,stillcarryinggrocerybagsintothekitchen,whenthephonerangagain.Bethglancedat
theclock.Two.
Shefeltdizzywhenshepickedupthereceiver.Hervoicecracked.
"Hello?"
"Mrs.McCabe?ThisisDr.SimonsonatChildren's."
"Yes?"Ifherlifehaddependedonit,shecouldn'thavegottenmorethanthatonewordout.
Acrossthekitchen,hereyesmetNathan's.Somehowshecommunicatedherpanicandhope,becausehe
cametoherside,reachedoutandgrippedhershoulder.Thewarmthandstrengthofhishandwere
obscurelycomforting,althoughherentirebeingwasfocusedonthevoiceinherear.
"Mynewsisn'tgood,Mrs.McCabe.I'msorry.Wewereallhopeful,butI'mafraidnotenoughmarkersin
Mr.McCabe'sbloodmatchAmanda'stomakehimapotentialdonor.We'llhavetocontinueourhunt
throughtheregistry."
Shesaidsomethingshehopeditwasappropriatebeforegentlyreplacingthereceiverinitscradle.Her
breathcameoutinalongtremblingsigh,andthehandonhershouldertightened.
"No?"heaskedroughly.
Sheclosedhereyesandshookherhead.Hisarmscamearoundher,andshelaidhercheekonhischest.
Foramomentallshecoulddowasleanagainsthim,hearthethudofhisheart,feelhischestriseandfall
witheachbreath,feelhisarmsholdinghertightly.
Oh,God,shecouldn'tbearit.TohavefoundsomeonesocloselyrelatedtoAmanda,tohavehopedagain.
Inanguishhermindskippedtothethoughtofherdaughterboundingofftheschoolbusandrunningdown
thedriveway.HowwouldshetellMandy?Couldshesoundcheerfulandpromisethatchemotherapyand
radiationwouldheenough?WouldshebedoingMandyanyfavorwhentheybothknewthatNathan
McCabemighthavebeenherlastchance?
No,shethought,goingverystill.Notherlastchance.Mandyhadoneother.IfherUncleNatewould
agree.

Bethstraightenedandsteppedback;Nathanreleasedher,hishandsfallingtohissides.
"There'soneotherthingyoucoulddo,"shesaid,hearingasiffromadistanceherowncalmnessand
determination."Ifyouwould."
"Nameit."Hiseyesweredarkandintense,hismouthsetgrimly.
"Fatherababyforme."

CHAPTERTHREE

NathanstaredatBeth.GoodGod,hadshejustsuggestedtheyhavesex?
Hecouldn'thaveheardright."Whatdidyousay?"
Sheclaspedherhandsbeforeherandsaidinthetoneofonewho'dmemorizedaspeech,"IfRobandI'd
hadanotherchild,theoddsareoneinfourthatheorshewouldbeamatchforMandy.Normally"she
drewadeepbreath"Icouldn'tchangethefactthatwedidn'thaveanotherbaby.Butbecauseyouandhe
wereidenticaltwins,Ican."
Hedughisfingersintohishairandgaveitayank.Maybealittlepainwouldwakehimup.
"Letmegetthisstraight.YouwantmetopretendI'mRobandprovidesomesperm."
Herteethworriedherlowerlip."Well,I...Iwouldn'thaveputitthatway,but...yes."
Hesworeandturnedhisbacktoher.Handsflatonthetiledkitchencounter,heleanedonbracedarms,
shakinghishead.Godalmighty.Itwascrazy.Shewascrazy.
Andhewasscumtohavefeltaknife-thrustofpuresexuallongingattheveryidea.
Hewasbreathingasifhe'djustfinishedaten-kilometerrace.
Clenchinghisteeth,heslowedhis

breathingandblankedouttheimageofBethMcCabe,ripewithhischild.Thenheturnedandfacedher.
"My...participationaside,youcan'thavethoughtthisthrough.Inthefirstplace,theoddsarethreetoone
thatthebabywon'tbeamatch.Thenwhat?Doyoutryagain?"
Herfacewassowhitethescatteringoffrecklesstoodout."IfIhaveto,"Shesaidsteadily.
"Whataboutthebaby?"Hemadehistonebrutal."Doyoudiscardhimbecausehedidn'tmeasureupand
hopeformoresuccessthenexttime?"
Sheflinched,buthervoicewasfierce."Iwouldloveanybabyofminenomatterwhat!DoyouthinkI'd
evensuggestthisifIwasn'tsureofthat?If...ifIloseMandy,anotherchildwouldgivemeareasonto
live.Andforhersake,howcanInottry?WhatkindofmotherwouldIbe?"
Hedidn'twanttobeimpressedbyherarguments,tofeelhimselfswayed.Hewantedtokeepthinkingshe
wascrazy.Mostofall,hedidn'twanttoenvyhisbrotheralloveragainforhavingbeenluckyenoughto
haveher.
Hoarselyhesaid,"Howthehellwouldwehandlecustody?"
"Wewouldn't."Hergrayeyesglittered."I'mnotaskingyoutobearealfather.Wedon'tevenknoweach
other!AllI'maskingisthatyoudonatesperm.Idon'texpectanythingelsefromyou.Youcanwalkaway.
I'mperfectlycapableofsupportingtwochildren."
Hestaredincredulously."Youwantmetohaveababyandtakenoresponsibility?"
"Thesearehardlynormalcircumstances."
"Youcansaythatagain,"Nathanmuttered."Lady,you'renuts."
Herchincameupanothernotch."BecauseI'mwillingtodoanythingtosavemydaughter'slife?"
IfAmandawerehis,wouldn'thedothesame?Heshookhisheadagain.
"Ican'tbelievewe'reeventalkingaboutthis."
"Otherpeoplehavedoneit."Shewaspleadingnow."They'vedoneitandsucceeded.Andyoucan'ttell
meit'sanyworsethanalotoftheotherreasonspeoplehavechildren."
He'dheardsomeofthosereasons.Hisadministrativeassistanthadhadababybecauseshethoughtit
wouldbringherandherhusbandclosertogether.Theyweredivorcednowandshewasraisingherson
alone.Orhowaboutthepeoplewhowantedtomakesuresomeonewouldtakecareofthemintheirold
age?Ortheoneswhojustlovedbabies,forgettingthattheybecometeenagers?AtleastBethMcCabe's
motiveswereunselfish.
Butwhatwouldhisbe?
Ifhe'dthoughtthingswerecomplicatedbefore,hehadn'tknownwhatcomplicatedwas.
"Ihavetothinkaboutthis,"hesaid.
"That'sallI'maskingrightnow."Hervoicehadsoftened;shestretchedahandouttohim."Willyoustay
tonight?"
Forastunnedsecondhethoughtagainthatshewasinvitinghimintoherbed.And,Godhelphim,hedidn't
knowifhecouldhaverefusedher.Shewasbeautiful:slimandstrong,withemotionaldepthsthat
darkenedthemistgrayofhereyestothedeepshadesofdusk.Her

curlslookedassilkyfineasherdaughter's,completelysuitedtothedelicacyofhercheekandjawand
sweepofthroat.Underthatshirtshe'dbeasdelicate.Forthefirsttimeinhislife,Nathanwanted
somethingthathadbelongedtohisbrother.
Beforehecoulddoanythingincrediblystupid,reasonasserteditself.
Hewasagoddamnedfool.Shedidn'twanthimunderhercovers;shewantedhimtostayasaguest.She
wantedhimtohavetimetolearntoloveherdaughter,soitwouldbecomeimpossibleforhimtodeny
motherandchildtheonethingtheyneededofhim.
Andthatsureashellwasn'therhusband'sdoublemountingBethinbed.
Hisvoicesoundedlikegravelscrapingametalsurface."Whattimeisit?"
"Um..."Shelookedoddlydazed,andherealizedthisconversationwasasbizarreforherasitwasfor
him."Three-thirty.Mandy'llbehomeanytime."Thatnoteofpleadingwasinhervoiceagain.
IfheleftnowhecouldprobablygetacommuterflightfortheshorthopfromSeattletoPortland.Buthe
wouldn'tbehomeuntillate.Hissecretaryhadclearedhiscalendar.Whynotstayanothernightandsatisfy
hishungertolearnmoreaboutRobandhisfamily?
"I'llstay."Heclearedhisthroat."IfIwon'tbeinconveniencingyou."
"Don'tbesilly."Hercheekswerepinknowandshewassuddenlybustlingaround,puttingaway
groceries,whichmeanthereyesdidn'thavetomeethis."Evenif...ifnothingcomesofit,MandyandI
aredelightedtohavehadachancetogettoknowyou.Maybe,whereverRobis,heseesyouhere."
Nathanalmostlaughed,althoughthesoundwouldhavebeenharsh.Robwasn'tsmilingdownfromheaven
orscowlingupfromhell.No,ifheknew,he'dmanagetocomebackonewayoranothersohecouldmake
damnsurehewasn'tone-upped.RobhadneverletNathangetthelastwordin,throwthelongestpass,buy
thebestgift.Itdidn'trequireanystretchtofigureouthowhewouldhavefeltabouthisbrotherbeingthe
lastonetoimpregnatehiswife.He'daccomplishanimmaculateconceptionbeforehe'dletNathan'ssperm
reachherwomb.
Butthiswasn'tthetimetoremindBethMcCabethatherhusbandhadn'tjustlovedhisbrother,he'dhated
him.
Nathanmadeanoncommittalnoiseinhisthroat."Whydon'tItakeyoutwoouttodinnertonight?I'dliketo
returnyourhospitality."
Sheturnedtofacehim,backagainstthetileedgingofthecountertop.
"Myhospitalityisnothingnothing!comparedtowhatyouwerewillingtodoforMandy."
"Willingdoesn'tcutit,"hesaidroughly."Ican'thelpher."
"Yes,youcan."
Hecouldn'tlookawayfromBeth,eventhoughheknewhewasbeingreeledin."IfIagreed,you'dhaveto
sharecustody.Iwouldn'tdisappear."
Thepausewasinfinitesimalbeforeshenodded."That'sfine.We'llmakeitworksomehow."
"We'llbefamily.Youwon'tbeabletochangethat."
Heheardthechangeinverbtense;hewasn'ttalkingifanymore,butwill.

Shegazedbackathim,notwiththeintensityofahypnotist,butwiththeunwillingfascinationoftheone
beinghypnotized."Iunderstand,"shewhispered.
"Thebabywillbemine,notRob's?"
Shewrenchedhergazeawayandhesawhermouthtremble."Inever"Shebrokeoff,tookadeepbreath,
controlledhervoice."IneverwasgoingtopretendthebabywasRob's.Thoseareyourwords,notmine."
"Allright."Hehatedthehardedgetohisvoice."I'lldoit,solongasyouunderstandmyconditions."
Nowhereyeswerehuge."Ido."
"Thenhowdoyouwanttogoaboutit?"
Sheopenedhermouthandthenshutitwhentheybothheardthesoundofthefrontdooropeningand
slamming,andMandy'scall,"I'mhome!"
"We'reinthekitchen!"Bethcalledback.Sheloweredhervoice."Idon'twanthertohearanythingabout
this."
Hesawhergirdherselfandwondered,likeacoward,whetherheshouldleaveheralonetogivethebad
newstoMandy.Butitwastoolate;theskinnyeleven-year-oldalreadystoodinthekitchendoorway,her
gazedartingfromheruncletohermotherandbackagain.
"Itwasno,wasn'tit?"
Hermothertookacoupleofquicksteps,butMandyretreated,vanishingfromhissightintothefronthall.
"Justtellme,"thegirlsaid.
Fromwherehestood,NathancouldonlyseeBeth'sback,butthecompassionandpaininhervoicesliced
intohischestlikeasurgeon'sscalpel."Itwasno.Hedoesn'tmatch.We'rebackwherewestarted.
Justrememberthatyou'refeelingwell.Oneofthedrugstheyusedonyouisanewone.Whoknows?
Maybeyouwon'tevenneedthetransplant.Andwestillhavetime."
Heexpectedanoutburstofemotion:angrywords,sobs,feetthunderingupthestairs.ButMandyspoke
withthequietresignationofsomeonethreetimesherage."Right,Mom.Imightbethatoneinahundredor
whateveritwas.Ormaybetheywillfindsomebody.Don'tworry."
"Sweetheart"
"Ihavehomework.I'dbettergetstarted."
Hecaughtaglimpseofhertrudgingupthestairs,asmallfigurewhocouldn'tevencryaboutherownfate.
Bethturnedtofacehim,hermouthtrembling."Canwe...canwetalkaboutthislater?AfterMandy'sgone
tobed?RightnowIjustwant..."Shepressedherhandstohercheeks."Ijustwant..."Hervoiceshattered.
Hetookasteptowardher,readytodrawherbackintohisarms,butsheretreated,justasherdaughterhad
donefromher.
"I'msorry,"shewhispered."Ijust...Ineedtobealone."Andsheturnedandfled.
Nathanwaiteduntilshewasoutofsight,thensworebitterly.Somesaviorhewas.They'dhavebeen
betteroffifhehadn'tappearedintheirlivestogivethemhope.
Unless,avoiceinhisheadremindedhim,hewasmoreofasuccessasafatherthanhe'dbeenasa
brother.

Amandawaiteduntilsheheardhermother'sbedroomdoorshut,thenshecreptdownthestairs.Uncle
Natewasstillinthekitchen,buthisbackwastoherandshewassurehedidn'thearthecreakofthat
second-to-the-bottomstep,orelsehewouldhaveturned.Sheslippedoutthefrontdoor,thenhurried
aroundthehouseanddowntheslopingfieldtowardthecreek.Shecrosseditbysteppingontheflatrocks
Dadhadsetinplacetoformasmalldam,whichmadeadeepenoughwaterholetowadeandsplashin.
Ontheothersidewasherrefuge:ahugeoldweepingwillow.Thebranchespartedlikelacecurtainstolet
herinside.
Herheartwasslammingagainstherribs.Shehuddledwithherbacktothetrunk,surroundedbypale
waveringgreenlight.
MomhadsaidsheandDadboughtthehousebecauseofthistree.WhenMomwasalittlegirl,she'dhada
willowtree,andtheroominsideitsgreenwallswasherspecialplace.ShewantedthatforMandy.
Nobodyeverbotheredherhere.Shedidn'tevenknowifMomknewshecamehere.
Mandystaredsightlesslyattheshiftingcurtainoflongnarrowleaves,thinkingabouttheconversation
she'doverheard.Shehadn'tmeanttoeavesdrop,butshe'dcomeintothehousefromschoolsoquietlythey
hadn'tknownshewasthereuntilshetiptoedbacktothedoorandopenedandshutitagain,thistime
noisily.
WhatifMomreallyhadanewbaby?WouldMandyhavetoshareherwillowtree?
Babiescouldn'tevenwalkuntiltheywereayearold,sheknewfromseeingherfriendKayla'sbaby
brother.Soitwouldbealongtimebeforeshehadasisterorbrothertoddlingbehindher,demandingtobe
included.
Thatpartdidn'tsoundsobad,anyway.WhatreallyscaredherwasthereasonMomwantedtohavethe
baby.She'dneverwantedanotherkidbefore.MandybetMomhadtoldUncleNatetheyshouldhavethe
babysoitcouldbecomeadonor.Butwhatifthatwasalie?Oratleast,kindofalie?WhatifMomreally
wantedthebabytoreplaceher,Mandy,becauseshewasgoingtodie?
Herchinrestedonherkneesandshefeltthehottearsrunningdownhercheeks.Shehardlyevercried
anymore!Sheshouldbehappy,insteadofsadthatMommightnothavetobelonelywhenshedied!
Itwasjust.Shesniffedandwipedhernoseonhersleeve.She'ddiscoveredtherewassomethingworse
thanleavinganemptyspacewhenyouweregone,worsethantherebeingnothingwhereyou'dbeen.It
wasthatspacebeingfilledbysomeoneelse,soyouweren'tonlygone,prettysoonyouwereforgotten.
Maybenottotallyafterall,shestillthoughtaboutSylvester,theirgraycatwho'ddiedlastsummerofold
age.Butnotveryoften,especiallynotsincesheandMomhadbroughthomeCalvinandPollyfromthe
animalshelter.Alreadysometimesshe'dbesnugglingPollyunderthecovers,thewarmfurrybodycurled
againsthers,andshe'dtrytorememberwhetherSylvesterfeltanydifferentormaybewhathispurr
soundedlike,andshecouldn't,becausehermemorieshadgottenalltangledupwiththepresent.Hadhis
furbeensofter?Hadherubbedhisface

hardagainsthersthewayCalvindid?Itbotheredherthatshewasn'tsure.
Thatwaspartlywhatshewascryingaboutrightnow.Becauseifshecouldn'tremember,maybeher
motherwouldn'tbeableto,either.Maybebabiesallfeltthesameinyourarms;maybeMomwouldforget
whatMandy'slaughtersoundedlike,becauseshewashearinghernewlittlegirl's.
Ifonly,Mandythought,shehadsomeonetotalk.
"Jessica,"shewhispered,"whereareyou?"

INTHEDARKBEDROOM,Bethstoodforamomentabovehersleepingdaughter,listeningtothequiet
evenbreathing.InthecrookofMandy'sknees,theirblack-and-whitekittenslept,aswell.Bethknewthat
sometimesMandypretendedtobeasleepwhenshecheckedonher.Buttonightwastherealthing:her
facewasutterlyrelaxed,herfingersthathadstartedthenightclutchingherbelovedblanketwereuncurled
now.Shelookedsopeaceful,sodefenseless.Bethleanedoverandverysoftlykissedherdaughter's
temple.
ThenshestrokedherfingersdownPolly'sthinbackandheardtheastonishinglypowerfulpurrstart
automatically.PerhapsitwouldgiveMandysweetdreams.
Sheslippedoutoftheroomandpulledthedooralmostclosedbehindher,leavingacrackforPollyto
escapeifsheneededherlitterboxorwasinthemoodforamidnightwrestlewithherbrother.
Downstairs,Bethstoppedintheliving-roomdoorway.Nathanwassprawledinthewingchair,feetonthe
ottoman.Fromthisangle,shecouldn'tseehisface,onlytheunrulydarkhairandthebulkofhisshoulder
andthoselongleanlegs.Howmanytimeshadsheseenthesamescene?
Somethinginherwentverystillaspastoverlaidpresent.Ifshetookastepforward,he'dturnhisheadand
smile,thatlazycharmingsmilethathadneverfailedtosoftenherheart."How'sSleepingBeauty?"he'd
ask."DoIneedtogogiveherakiss?"
Howlikehimthatwas!Hewasforevermagicaltohisdaughter.
Shetookastepintothelivingroom,thenanother,andheturnedhishead,butnotlazilyasRobwould
have.Instead,themovementwassharp,contained,andthedarkeyesthatfocusedunerringlyonherface
werewaryandpenetrating.Theanxietythathadcoiledinsideherrelaxed,leavingherfeelingfoolish;this
wasn'tRob,howevermuchtheylookedalike.Sheknewthat.
"Asleep?"Nathanasked,hisdeepvoicealittlerougherthanhisbrother's,makingherwonderhowhis
unshavenchinwouldfeelunderherpalm.
"Uh-huh."Shesatononeendofthecouchandcurledherlegsbeneathher.Shehardlyeversatanyother
way.Buttonighttheoutwardrelaxationwasapose.Canwetalkaboutthislater?she'dsaid.
AfterMandy'sgonetobed?Well,nowwaslater.
Bethlookedwithnearenvyatthemugofsteamingcoffeehecradledinhisbighands.Shehadenough
troublesleepingthesedayswithouthavingteaorcoffeesolate,butshecouldhavemadeherbaltea.If
nothingelse,itwouldhavegivenhersomethingtodowithherhands.

"Haveyou,um,thoughtanymoreaboutit?"sheasked."Imean,about"
"Iknowwhatyoumean."Hesoundedabrupt.Nolongerlookingather,heleanedhisheadagainstthehigh
backofthechair."Hardnotto."
"Yes."Shestudiedherhands,tracedascratchacrossthepalmofonewithafinger."Isupposeit's...a
littleunusual."
"Yeah,youcouldsaythat."
Whenhedidn'taddmore,shesneakedaglanceathim.Hewaswatchinghernow,andherowngaze
nervouslyflittedaway."Youhaven't...changedyourmind?"Bethwasexasperatedtohearhowtimidshe
sounded.She'daskedhimboldlyenoughinthefirstplace;whywasshesonervousnow?
Hemutteredsomethingunderhisbreaththatshesuspectedwasanobscenity."No,"hefinallysaid,voice
flat."GoodGod,howcanIlookatAmandaandnotdoanythingIcan?"
"I'mgladyoudon'tstillthinkI'mnuts."
Forthefirsttimeahintofhumorenteredhisdarkeyes."DidIsaythat?"
Shefoundherselfsmiling."Well,maybeIam,butI'mwillingtodoit,anyway."
"Yeah,me,too,Iguess."Hetookhisfeetfromtheottomanandplantedthemonthefloor,thenleaned
forward."Haveyoutalkedtothedoctoraboutthis?"
"Youmean,Mandy'sdoctor?No."
"Imeantyours."
Inherheart,she'dknownexactlywhathemeant.Thenhowdoyouwanttogoaboutit?Hiswords,spoken
earlierinthekitchen,werefeltandheardmorepowerfullynow,likeanearthquakethatrolled
undergroundtotrembletheearthfarfromitspointoforigin.
"No,"shesaidcarefully,notlookingathim."Ihaven'tyet."
"Willyourinsurancepayforthis?"
Stillsheevadedhisgaze."Idoubtit.It'snotmedicallynecessarynotforme,anyway."
Hesatsilentforamoment."Istheexpenseaproblem?"
Didhesoundannoyed?"Iwasn'taskingyoutopayforit,"shesaidquickly."Ijustthought..."Oh,God,
whywasthissohardtosay?
Butshedidn'tneedtoaskGod.Sheknewtheanswer,andshefinishedinarush,"Ijustthoughtmaybewe
coulddoittheold-fashionedway.Ifweslepttogetherjustonce,attherighttimeofthemonth..."She
trailedoffagain,unabletocompletethesentence.Slepttogether.
Whataterribleeuphemism.
Thestirringinherbellywhenshelookedathim,asshecouldn'thelpdoing,thewayhermindkept
flashingonimagesofthetwooftheminherbigsoftbedupstairs,madeherwonder:wasshereally
suggestingthisonlytobethrifty?
"Theold-fashionedway?"herepeated,staringatherwithutterblankness,asthoughwhatshehadjust
suggestedwasunthinkable.
Repugnant.
Herwordstumbledoverthemselves."Notifyoudon'tfindmeatallattractive,ofcourse.Imean,I.know
itwouldn'tworkifyoudidn't..."Oh,Lord,nowshewasbrightred.Andshewastryingsohardtosound
asifshedidn'tmindanadmissionthathefoundherphysicallyunappealing!

Emotionflashedinhiseyes,clenchedthemusclesofhisjaw.Ifhe'dbeenRob,shewouldhaveknown
whathewasthinking.Butthismanwasastranger,howeverfamiliarthatface.
"Damnit!"Herosetohisfeetandglareddownather."AreyouimaginingthatyoucanhaveRobbackfor
anightortwo?Well,getthisstraight,lady!I'mnotRob!Summonaghostifyouwanthimback!Justdon't
expectmetobeit!"
Angry,shestood,too.Withaneffortshekepthervoicedown."Ihaveneverforaminutepretendedyou
wereRob,andIneverwill!Allright,itwasadumbsuggestion,butitdidn'thaveanythingtodowith
him!"Didn'tit?shehadtoaskherself,onlytodecideshe'dhavetothinkaboutitlater."Ionlywanted"
tohavesomeoneholdherclose?
"toavoidaridiculouschargeforsomethingsoeasy.That'sall."
Yeah,rightmurmuredamockingvoicefromhersubconscious.
Hefrownedatheragain,andshecouldseethatshe'dcaughthimoffguard."Isn'tMandy'sillnesscovered
byinsurance?"
"Notallofit.Notatfirst."Damnit,thiswasn'tanyofhisbusiness.Orwasit,consideringtheinkthey
wouldnowhave?"We'djustswitchedmedicalplans,"sheexplainedreluctantly."Theycoveredmostof
hercare,butnotsomeofthefirstbills.Theworstpartis,theywon'tpayforthebone-marrowtransplant.
FortunatelyRobhadlifeinsurance,enoughforustosqueakthrough,butIhavetosaveitallforthat.And
whenRobdied,mybusinesshadn'tmarkedapointwhereitcouldsupportus."
"They'dletakiddieratherthancoversomethingthat'sdoneasroutinelyasbone-marrowtransplants?"
Nathansoundedasincredulousasshe'dfeltwhenherinsuranceagentfirstrenderedthecompany's
decision.
"Theysaidtheycouldn'tmakeanexceptionforonechild.Theysaidtheplanwouldhavetobemore
expensivetotheinsuredifitcoveredextraslikethat.Extras."Sheutteredthewordwithloathing."They
pointedoutthatIknewwhatwascoveredandwhatwasn'twhenIchosetheirplan."
Heswore.
Shegaveatwistedsmile."I'mlucky,becauseIcanpayfortheprocedure.Mostpeoplecan't.Youhear
thosepleasfordonationsandIalwayswonderiftheygotenough.Canyouimagineseeingyourchilddie
becauseyou'relackingfortythousanddollars?Ortwenty,orevenfive?Itmusthappen."
Thecompassioninhiseyeswasalmostmorethanshecouldhear.
"Soyousee,"Bethsaid,"whyIsuggestedsomethingsocrazy.Butyou'reright."Shetriedhardtosound
brisk,positive."Thedoctoritis."Shestartedtowardthedoorway.
"Beth"
"No."Shebarelyglancedoverhershoulder."Weshouldkeepitimpersonal."
"Wecan'tkeepababyimpersonal.Ourbaby."
Shestopped,onehandonthecoolwoodofthedoorframe."That'salittledifferent."
"Isit?"Histonewasodd,confusingher.
Shecouldn'taffordtobeconfused.Onlythegoalwasallowedtocount:Mandy'ssalvation.
"Yes,"shesaidfirmly."Peopledoitallthetime,afterdivorces.Theyshareachildandbothlovehimor
herwithoutfeelinganythingforeachother.Wecandoit,too."
Hedidn'tagreeorargue;hejustwatchedherwithanexpressionasoddashistone.Whatwashe
thinking?
"Goodnight,"shesaidbriskly."FeelfreetowatchTVifyou'dlike,orraidtherefrigerator."
"Ihavetoleavefirstthinginthemorning."
She'dalmostwhiskedoutofsight.Nowshehadtopauseagain,lookback."Iknow."
Heclearedhisthroat."You'llletmeknowwhenyouneedme?Whenthe,uh,besttimeis?"

Besttime.Whenshewasmostfertile.Whenhisseed,implantedinherwomb,wouldfindaneggreadyto
receiveit.Atthethought,yearning,warmandexciting,spreadthroughoutherbelly.Itwasmaternal,not
sexual,shetriedtotellherself,butitfeltuncomfortablythesame:
Sheimaginedherselfontheexaminingtableatthedoctor'soffice,thighspartedtoreceivesomecold
instrument.AndhowmustNathanfeel,knowinghehadtoarousehimselfsexuallytoprovidetheseed?
Somehow,shehadn'trealizedquitewhatshewasasking.
"Ithink..."Shegropedforadate,feelingabsurdlyself-conscioustobediscussingsomethingsointimate.
"Maybetwoweeksfromnow?Ififthat'sgoodforyou?"
Hislookheldirony."I'llmakeitgoodforme."
Thedoublemeaning,whichshesuspectedhe'duseddeliberately,madehercheekshotter."I'llcallafterI
talktothedoctor."
"Youdothat."
Shefledthen,aftermurmuringsomethingaboutseeinghiminthemorning.ShepeekedatMandyonce
more,thenwentontoherownbedroom,whereshegotreadyforbedinaflurry.Onceshewascurled
aloneinthequeen-sizebed,shesqueezedhereyesshutandwilledsleeptocome.
Itabsolutelyrefused.Allshecouldthinkaboutwas.howshe'dfeelrightthisminuteifNathanMcCabe
hadagreedtofatherherchild"theold-fashionedway."Itwasn'tsomethingtheycouldhavedonequickly
andputbehindthem.Tonightwasn'ttherighttimeofthemonth.No,shewouldhavehadthenexttwo
weekstoanticipatehisvisit,toimagineoverandoverwhatitwouldbelike,makingloveno,havingsex
withthestrangerwholivedinabodysheknewsowell.
Butthequalityofsex,sheguessed,wasn'tdeterminedbytheshapeorsizeofanypartofaman'sbody.
No,itwasdeterminedbyhissensitivity,hiskindness,hissenseofhumor.Andbythedepthoffeelinghe
hadforthewoman.Whichwaswhereshewouldhavelostout.
Obviouslyhehadn'tbeeninterestedatall,orhewouldn'thaveturnedherdownflat.Sheoughttobeglad
hehad,gladthattheirfuturerelationshipwasn'ttobecomplicatedasitwouldinevitablyhavebeenif
they'dsharedabed.
But,staringintothedarkness,shehadtoadmitthetruth:shehadwantedtofindoutwhetheritwouldbe
differentwithhim.Maybewhetherwhatshe'dhadwithRobwasonceinalifetimeforher.Didthatmake
herdespicable?
Andmostofall,shehadwantedtheirbabytobeconceivedinthewarmdarkintimacyofherbed,in

amomentofrealemotion,evenifitwasonlypassion.Notwithherstaringupatafluorescentlight,the
paperontheexaminingtablecrinklingunderher,herfeetheldawkwardlyincoldmetalstirrups.
Couldamiraclehappenthatway?shewonderedwithashiver.

CHAPTERFOUR

Leftaloneinasomewhatunusualexaminingroom,NathanlookedwithdistasteattheTVandVCR.A
selectionoftenpornographicmovieswasavailableforhis.viewingpleasure.Shouldhepreferit,several
copiesofpopularmagazinescontainingpicturesofnakedwomenwereneatlystackedonashelf.
Everythingamanshouldneedtogetaroused.
Then,ofcourse,therewasthecupinwhichhe'dbeeninstructedtodepositthesemen.Assuminghecould
getinspiredtoproduceany.Thenurse,aheavycheerfulwoman,hadtoldhimnottoworryifhehad
trouble;sometimesmenneededtocomebackseveraltimesbeforetheycouldrelaxenoughtoperform.
Herword,nothis.
"Thereissomethingjustatinybitintimidatingaboutthis,isn'tthere?"she'daddedwithachucklejust
beforesheshutthedoor,leavinghimalone.
Intimidating.GoodGod.Heprowledacrosstheroomandback,thetiny,starklylitconfinesmakinghim
feelclaustrophobic.Hell,he'dneverbeeninterestedinpornography.Photographsofnakedwomenwhose
breastslookedlikethey'dbeenpumpedfullofheliumlefthimcold.
Thewomenwhoattractedhimhadlittleincommonwiththenudemodelsinthose

magazines,andtheysureashellwouldn'tbeappearinginanyX-ratedmovie.
TakeBethMcCabe.Hercombinationofdelicacyandtoughnesshadanallurethatcouldcaptivateaman
bothinthebedroomandoutsideit.
Hecouldaseasilypictureherpruningvinesinthefieldsashecouldlyingbackagainstherpillowsina
cottonnightgownallthemoreseductiveforitssimplicity.
Healmostgroanedatthelastimage.Ifhewasn'tsuchadamnedfool,hewouldknowexactlywhather
gownhid,andwhetherhersheetswereplaincottonorprintedwithdaintyflowers.She'dbewaitingfor
him,thebedclothesclutchedtoherchin,hereyeshugeandapprehensive.
Thatsoftmouthmightbetremblingashegentlypriedthecoversfromhergraspandpeeledthembackto
allowhishandstocupherprettybreasts.Hewouldbendforwardandcapturehermouth,stillingthe
trembling.He'dcoaxaresponseuntilsheshylyreachedforhim,untilherlegspartedandshemadesoft
needysounds.Hedidgroanthistimeandthenglancedruefullydowntoseethathisfantasyhaddonewhat
noeroticvideocouldaccomplish:arousedhimuntilheachedwithwanting.
Hewantedtosmashhisfistagainstsomethinginangerandfrustration.
Hecouldhavehadher.Itdidn'thavetobeafantasy.
Sure,hecouldhavehadher.Butwhatheneverwouldhaveknownwaswhomshewashaving:himor
Rob.Anddamnedifhewasgoingtoplayhisbrotherinanywoman'ssexgames,evenBethMeCabe's.
Butthatdidn'tmeanhecouldn'tdreamalittle.Heclosedhiseyesandreachedforhiszipper.

BETHTRIEDTOREADthemurdermysteryshe'dbrought,butcomprehensioneludedher.Afterawhile
shesetitdownandpickedupamagazinefromtheselectionfannedopenonanendtableinthewaiting
room.
She'donlybeenhereanhour,butitfeltlikeforever.Otherwomensatbrieflyonthesofttealarmchairs,
thenwereusheredbythenurseintoexaminingrooms.Afterawhile,theyleft.Bethjustsat.
Notthatshewasbored.Howcouldshebe?Herhearttookalittlejumpeverytimethenurseappeared,
thensanklikearockwhenanothernamewascalled;herpalmsweresodampshehadtowipethem
surreptitiouslyonherjeanseveryfewminutes.Herstomachseemedtohaveclimbedintoherthroat,
whereitlodgeduncomfortably.Shefeltasifshewasinanairplane,readytoleapoutandparachutedown
forthefirsttime.
Shemustbecertifiablynuts,shedecided.Whathadseemedlikeagoodideawasappearingmoreand
morebizarre.Shehardlyknewthisman,andhereshewaswaitingtobeimpregnatedwithhissperm?All
this,becausethebabymightmight!havebonemarrowcompatiblewithMandy's?
Twicesheopenedherwalletandflippedthroughseveralphotosofherdaughter,toremindherselfofwhat
wasimportant.Inone,Mandywaspale,herhaircropped,hereyeshugeanddarkinthatwhiteface.Both
times,Bethfeltsteadied;herheartbeatcalmed,herstomachsettled,tensionleachedoutofhermuscles.

Fiveminuteslatershewasasscaredasever.
SheknewNathanhadshowedup;she'daskedwhenshegothere.Sonowhewasinsomeroomtryingto
dohispart.Thepartherefusedtoaccomplishwithher,becauseshedidn'tattracthim.
Shetriednottothinkabouthimorwhathewasdoingrightthisminute.Butimageskeptcreepingintoher
mind,liketinymovementsinherperipheralvision.Ifsheloweredherguard,theyassumedtheimpactof
thehugescreeninamovietheater.Thetroublewas,hisresemblancetoRoballowedhermindtofillin
thedetails.SheknewwhatNathanMcCabelookedlikenude,plusorminusatanorascar.
Andshehatedtheideaofhimturnedonbywatchingsomebig-bustedbimboonaTVscreen,whenshe
lefthimcold.
Theviolenceofherfeelingsdidn'tmakesense.Hewasastranger.Whydidshecarewhatturnedhimon?
Well,duh,shethought,inimitationofherdaughter.HedidlookjustlikeRob.Sure,she'dbeenawidow
forthreeyears.ButNathan'slookshadbroughtbackfadingimagesofRob,sharpeningthem.Likeany
otherwoman,shewouldhavebeenjealousifshe'dfoundoutherhusbandwashavinganaffair.Thatwas
allthatwaswrongtoday.ShewastransferringrationalfeelingsaboutRobtohislookalikebrother.Only
shedidn'tbuyit:
SheknewNathanwasn'tRob.Theirfacialfeaturesmightbealike,butthemomentNathanmovedor
spoke,theresemblancefaded.Hewasquieter,moreintense,moreperceptive.Andithadstungmorethan
shelikedtoadmittoknowthat,eveninagoodcause,hecouldn'tbringhimselftoshareherbed.
"Mrs.McCabe."
Herheartjumpedagain.Sheletthemagazinedropfromnervelessfingersandrosetoherfeet.
Thenursewassmiling."We'rereadyforyounow."
Oh,God.Thatmeanthe'd.Sheshiedawayfromthisparticularimage,buteveninabsentia,itsentanodd
quiverfromherheartdowntoherbelly.Bethwashonestenoughwithherselftoacknowledgethatthe
feelingwassexual,asweretheshiveryyearningcrampsbetweenherlegs.Howeverclinicalthemethod,
hisseedwasabouttoimpregnateher.Herbodyknewitonalevelthatwaspurelysexual[.
Ifallwentwell,shewouldsoonbecarryingNathanMcCabe'schildinherwomb.
Please,God,shethought,neverletmeregretwhatI'mdoing.Sheclutchedherpurseandbooksotightly
herfingershurtandfollowedthenurse.

"CONGRATULATIONS,Mrs.McCabe."Herdoctor,anattractiveblackwomanclosetoherownage,
beamedather."You'redefinitelypregnant.,"
ReliefmadeBethdizzy.Shehadn'tbeenwrong."ThankGod!"shebreathed.
Butrightbehindwasawaveofapprehension.Therewasnogettingoutofthisnow.Shecouldn'tchange
hermind.Andsheespeciallycouldn'tchangeitwhen,atfivemonths,anamniocentesiswouldbe
performedandthebaby'stissuetyped.Shewouldknowthenwhetherthe

babyshecarriedcouldsaveMandy.Andifitcouldn'twell,she'dpromisedherselfshewouldwelcome
thissecondchildnomatterwhat.
Nowshesilentlyrenewedthevow,herhandsplayedprotectivelyoverherbelly.
Thedoctorwasglancingthroughherchart."You'renotasmoker,Isee,sowedon'thavetoworryabout
that.Irecommendyouavoidalcoholaltogether,evenaglassofwineorabeer."
Bethnoddeddutifully.
Dr.Williamswroteheroutaprescriptionforprenatalvitaminsandtheydiscusseddiet.Itwasallso
ordinarysomuchlikethelasttimeshe'dgottenpregnant,whenshehadahusband.Not,however,ather
side,Bethrecalled;she'dwantedtosurprisehim.
Shedrovehomealmostinadreamlikestate.ShewouldhavetotellMandy,ofcourse.Thecowardlyside
ofherwantedtowaituntilherpregnancybecameobvious.Orperhapsitwashercompassionateside.
Thistimetheydidn'thaveaweekortendaystowaitbeforetheywouldfindoutwhetherthenewswas
goodorbad;they'dhavefourmoremonths.Wouldn'titbecrueltotellMandyaboutthepregnancynow
andgiveherhope?
She'dhavetotellNathan,too.Hewouldn'tbeneededagain.Hewouldsurelybepleasedaboutthat,at
least.
Almosthome,Bethfeltherexhilarationebb,leavinganemotionshecouldn'tname.Herstomachfelt
hollow,herchestsqueezedbyaninvisiblehand.Itwasn'tnervousness,notquite.Afterall,whatdidshe
havetobenervousabout?Nomattertheoutcome,shewoulddothesamethingagain,makethesame
decision.Norwaswhatshefeltthetensionofwaiting;sheknewitwellthatsenseoftimeblockishand
slow,likeariverjammedbychunksofice.
Sheturnedthevanintoherdriveway,pastthesignthatusuallygaveheraflashofpride.Todayshehardly
sawit.Outsidethebarnshestoppedthevan,butdidn'tgetout.
Damnit,shewantedtocryandshedidn'tevenknowwhy!Shegrippedthesteeringwheelandbreathed
slowly,inthroughhernose,outthroughhermouth.
Forawoman,findingoutshewaspregnantwasamomentousoccasion.
Thatwasallthatwaswrongwithher,shedecided.That,andthesuddenawarenessofhowaloneshewas.
Shedidn'thavetheexcitementaheadofbreakingthenewstoherhusband,ofrejoicingandplanningand
dreamingwithsomeoneelsewhocaredasmuchasshedid.Evenifshedecidedtotellherdaughter,
Mandywastooyoungtoleanon.Bethknewshewouldhaulherqueasystomachalone,napalone,goto
thehospitalalonewhenthetimecame.
Shewaslonely.
Shesighed,thoughtaboutlunch,decidedagainstitwhenherstomachlurcheduncertainly.She'dknown
shewaspregnanttwodaysagowhenshepouredhermorningbowlofcereal,tookonemouthfulandhad
toruntothebathroom.Bethonlyhopedherstomachtoleratedthesmellofjamcooking.Otherwise,she'd
beinbigtrouble.

THROUGHTHEINTERCOM,hissecretaryannouncedcrisply,"Mrs.McCabeisonlineone."
"Thanks,"Nathansaid,wonderingbrieflywhether

Beth'slastnamehadJenniferspeculatingaboutthecaller'sidentity.
Hepickedupthephoneandpunchedintheline.
"Beth.Nathanhere."
"Hi."Shesoundedfaraway,uncertain."Isthisabadtime?"
"No.I'mjustdoingpaperwork."
"Oh."Shedrewanaudiblebreath."IwantedtocallyouwhileMandywasatschool.I'mpregnant."
Thebluntnessofitcrushedthebreathfromhischest.Hejustsatthere,receiverinhand,andwaitedtoget
hiswindback.Shewaspregnant.BethMcCabe,withthesilkycurls,thesoftmouth,theuncomfortably
perceptiveeyes,carryingababy.Hisbaby.NotRob's,assheprobablywished.Inonewayitdidn'tseem
real.Inanother.
Hegrittedhisteethonthejoltofsexualhungershehadatalentforawakening.
"Congratulations."Hisvoicecameoutharsh,abrupt."Thatwasquick."
"Yes."Apause."I'mdueFebruaryfifth."
"Andyouwon'tknowuntilthen."
"Actually,Iwill.Thedoctorwilldoanamniocentesisatfivemonths.Shecandotissuetypingatthesame
time."
Becauseofherage,hissecretaryhadhadtheprocedure,tomakesureherbabydidn'thaveDown
syndrome.TheyhadtoldJenniferthenthatherchildwouldbeaboy.Bethwouldlearnnotjustifshe
carriedahealthyboyorgirl,butwhetherheorshewouldbeMandy'ssavior.
IfNathanhadanysayinit,shewouldn'tbealonewhenshefoundout.
"DoesMandy?"Hestopped."Youwouldn'tbecallingmewhileshe'sinschoolifsheknew."
"I'llhavetotellhereventually,ofcourse,but..."Bethwentquiet,thensaidinavoicesolowhebarely
heardher,"Idon'twanthertohopetoomuch.IfIcanwaituntilalmostfivemonths..."
"Youcangetthenewsoverwith,goodorbad.Hemadearoughsoundinhisthroat."Howisshe?"
"She'sdoingfine.Sheoughttobeabletoholdout."
"Ihopeso."Thewordsweren'taplatitude.Althoughnotachurchgoingman,hewaspraying.
"Yes.Well.Iwon'tkeepyou."
Shewastryingtoendtheconversation.Hishandtightenedonthereceiver."Howareyoufeeling?"
"Good.Justalittletired,whichisperfectlynormal."
"Nomorningsickness?"
"Alittle.Butitdoesn'tlastlong."
"You'renotgoingtobeabletoworkasmanyhours,areyou?"Hedidn'tlikethepicturehesuddenlysaw
ofherslavingoverthosestainless-steelvats,thejambubblingandthekitchenhot.Howheavywerethe
flatsofberriesandtheboxesofjamreadyforshipment?
Wouldshepickberriesoutinthesummersun?
"Womengenerallydo,"Bethsaidtartly.
"Youmean,theEuropeanserfsdid.Womenwhoputinlonghoursnowareusuallyinanoffice,notdoing
farmworkandheavylifting."Hewasscowling."Youshouldhireanextraemployee."
Shedidn'tanswerforamoment;hewasafraid

she'dhunguponhim.Butfinallyshesaidevasively,"I'llthinkaboutit."
Sheprobablycouldn'taffordanotheremployee.Wouldshetakemoneyfromhim?Nathanhadapretty
goodideawhattheanswertothatquestionwas.
"I'llbeupinSeattleagainnextweek."Itwasnewstohim;impulseseemedtohavetakenover."I'llgeta
hotelroom,butIwashopingtoseeyouandMandy."
"You'rewelcometostaywithusifyou'dlike."Hescowledagain,heatingthechangeinhertone.He
hadn'trealizedhowslowandheavyhervoicehadbeenuntilhehearditlighten.
"You'resure?"'
"We'dlovetohaveyou."Ifshedidn'tmeanit,shewasahellofaliar."Mandytalksaboutyoualot."
Whataboutyou?hewantedtoask.Didshethinkabouthim?Lookforwardtoseeinghimagain?Ordidhe
remindhertoomuchofRob?
"Great,"hesaidtooheartily."I'llplanonit.Uh,let'ssee..."Hereachedforhisdatebook,decipheredhis
briefscrawls.Whatcouldbejettisoned?"TuesdaythroughThursday?"
"Wonderful,"shesaid."YoucanseeTillicumCreekJamsinfulloperation.Strawberriesandblueberries
arebothripeningnow."
"MaybeIshouldstaylonger.Icouldpickberries."
Unexpectedlyshelaughed,thesoundunfettered,achild'sgiggle."TheownerofMountHoodSporting
Goodspickingstrawberries?Doyouhaveanyideahowbackbreakingitcanhe?"
"Yeah,IpickedberriessummerswhenIwasateenager.You'llbegettingexperiencedhelp."
"Youmusthavebetterthingstodo!"
"Like?"
"Ohh..."Shedrewthewordout,andhepicturedherpursedlips."Makeimportantdecisions.Plan
advertisingcampaigns.Glareatincompetentemployees.Talkaboutqualityassuranceandemployee
morale."
"Wejustfinishedplanningourupcomingadvertisingcampaign.Ihavenoincompetentemployees,morale
isjustfine,thankyou,andI'vealreadyassuredquality."Damn,buthewasenjoyinghimself."DidIforget
anything?"
"Importantdecisions."Laughtertippledthroughhervoice.
"IcanmaketheminSeattle."
"Oh,inthatcase,I'llbesurewesaveafewrowsofberriesjustforyou."Thatvoice,alittle
husky,amused,intimate,madehimcraveherpresence."ThenI'llseeyouTuesdayafternoon."
Hehungupandpunchedtheintercom."Jennifer,willyoucomeinhere?"
Hissecretarywasgoingtolovejugglinghisscheduleyetagain.

BETHSTRAIGHTENEDandpressedonehandtoherlowerback.Sheblinkedsweatfromhereyesand
lookeddownatherbasket,onlyhalf-fullwithfatredberries.She'dfinishfillingitandthenstopforlunch.
OnthisJunedaynoleavesstirredonthealdersthatfrontedtheroad;theair,sharpwiththescentof
crushedberries,hungstillandwarmoverthefields.Alawnmowergrowled,thesoundmutedby
distance.

Closerwasthehumofbeespollinatingtheraspberries.
ReluctantlyBethcrouchedagainandbegandeftlypluckingtheripestrawberriesfromtheplants.Theache
inherlowerbackintensified,butwhenEvan,acollegeboywhoworkedheresummers,pausedinthenext
rowandaskedifshewasokay,shemanagedanalmostconvincing"Sure.It'sjustsodarnedhumidIfeel
likeI'mworkinginslowmotion."
Shedidn'trememberthisbackachefromherfirstpregnancy.Ofcourse,thenshehadn'tdonefarmlabor.
SheandRobhadlivedinacondoinEdmonds,northofSeattleonPugetSound.She'dbeenan
administrativeassistantatasoftwaremanufacturer.Evenminormanualtaskslikecopyingweredoneby
someonelowerinthehierarchy.What'smore,she'dbeenelevenortwelveyearsyounger.
Makingherselfcontinuepicking,Bethwonderedifshecouldsomehowaffordanotherworker.Shehadn't
takenNathan'ssuggestionseriouslybefore.Shewasusedtohardwork.Butnow.Shehardlysawthelevel
rising.inherbasket,sopreoccupiedwasshebyherreviewofhermentalspreadsheet.Expenseshere,
incomethere.ThereoughttobesomeextrainlateJuneNo,sherememberedanotherbill.Shecouldn't
possiblypayanotherwage,shethought,feelingthefamiliarspurtofpanic.Herbusinesshadgottenwhere
itwasbecauseshe'dbeenwillingtoputlonghoursintoit.Anythingshecouldn'taffordtopaysomeone
elsetodo,shedidherself.Withnocushionofsavingsandababyonthiswashardlythemomentforherto
becomealadyofleisure.Ifonlyshedidn'tfeelsotired!
Shestraightenedagainandwipedsweatfromherforehead,herhandsstainedred.Thesoundofacar
engine,rareonherquietcountryroadatthistimeofday,madeherturn.Anunfamiliarbluesedanhad
slowedandwaspullingintoherdriveway.Hope,evenexcitement,tingledthroughherveins.
Heavinghernowfullbaskettoherhip,shecarriedittothepickuptruckthatwasparkedbetweenthe
fields.Bethsetitonthetailgateandfollowedthedustyfootpathbetweenrowsofraspberryvines,which
seemedtovibrate,socoveredweretheywithbees.
Assheapproached,amangotoutofthecarandstretched.Nathan.
Bethwasastonishedanddisquietedbythestrengthofherpleasure.Hewasvisitingforafewdays.So
what?Hewasherbrother-in-law;theonlythingpersonalbetweenthemwasthebaby.
Butwhenhesmiledather,theslowquietgrinthatdidn'tremindheratallofRob,herheartlightenedand
shefeltbetterthanshehadallday.
"Ididn'texpectyousoearly."
"Ihadnoreasontogointotheoffice."Hisbroadshouldersmovedinaneasyshrug."Caughtanine-
o'clockflight."
"Iwasjustgoingtostopforlunch."Withhisgazemovingoverher,Bethwassuddenly,acutelyawareof
howfilthyshewas.Andhowlittleshewore.Asthedaywarmed,she'dronedherkhakishortsupashigh
asthey'dgoandtiedhersleevelesscottonshirtunderherbreasts.
Herhairwasbundledbackinared

scarf,whichshe'dyankedoffacoupleoftimestowipethesweatfromhereyes.Itwouldbesillytotakea
shower,thengobackoutandgetdirtyalloveragain,butshewastempted.
"I'llmakelunch."Darnedifhewasn'tfrowningather."Youshouldrest."
"I'mnotsick,youknow."
"Youmaynotshowyet"hisgazetouchedherbaremidriff"butthatdoesn'tmeanyoushouldn'ttake
careofyourself"
Itwaschildishtofeelrebellious,butshecouldn'tseemtohelpit.
Whotheheckwashetoapproveordisapproveofhowsheranherlife?
"You'renotmyfather."Atleastshedidn'tstickouthertongueathim.
"No,butIamthebaby'sfather,"hesaidsharply.Justthereminderwasenoughtomakeherfeelwarmth
andtinglingbetweenherlegs.She'dneverimaginedthatcarryingNathan'sbabywouldmakeherbodyso
determinedtoknowhimsexually.Shecouldonlyhopethereactiondisappearedastimewenton.
Otherwise,howcouldshestandthenexttwentyyears?
Shecrossedherarms,half-protectively."Youaren'treallyworriedabouthim.Her."
"No."Thistimehisdarkeyesdidn'twaverfrom.hers.Hisvoicehadsoftened."It'syouI'mworded
about"
Herdefianceevaporated."I'mfine.Justalittletired."
"You'resure?"Hesearchedherfaceandshesaw'somethingunexpectedinhiseyes.Something
vulnerable.
Shefeltaguiltytwinge."Sometimesmybackaches,"sheadmitted.
Hisfrownreturned."Gowashupandsitdown.I'llmakesandwiches,orwhateveryouwant."
"Thankyou."Shefeltabsurdlyshy."Imighttakeashower."
"Goahead."Hejerkedhisheadtowardthehouse."I'llgrabmysuitcaseandfollow."
"Iwasgoingtomakeanegg-saladsandwich.Ihard-boiledsomeeggs.Ifyou'dlikesomethingelse..."
"ThistimeI'mnotaguest."Hewentaroundtothetrunk."Ilikeeggsalad.Iknowhowtomakeit.It'llbe
waitingwhenyoucomedown."
Shelookedbacktowardthefield,whereherworkerswereheadingtowardtheircarsortheshadeofthe
bigmapletohavetheirlunches.Theydidn'tneedherstandingoverthem.Thisafternoon,she'dcookjam,
insteadofpickingstrawberries.Atleastthenshewouldn'thavetobendover.
Thetrunkofthecarslammed.Nathanheldasuitcaseandasmallertravelingbag."Whyareyoustill
standinghere?"heaskedgruffly.
Bethheldupbothhands."I'mgoing,I'mgoing."

THREE-QUARTERSOFANHOURlaterNathanhadbeguntoworry.He'dheardtheshowerturnedoff
twenty-fiveminutesago.Ithadbeenfollowedbythehumofahairdryer.Sincethennothing.Whatthehell
wasshedoing?
Maybeshe'dslippedonthewetfloor.Orfainted.Didpregnantwomenfaint?Hehadnoidea.

Thesandwichesweremade,slicedinhalfdiagonallyandstackedartisticallyonaplate.He'dpoured
himselfjuiceandBethmilkhehadthevagueideathatpregnantwomenweresupposedtodrinkplentyof
milk.
Okay.He'dgofindoutwhatwaskeepingher.Allhehadtofigureoutwaswhichdoorledtoherbed
room.
Intheupstairshall,hehesitated.Theguestroom,wherehe'dearlierdumpedhissuitcasesandchanged
clothes,wasthefirstontheleft.Heknockedonthedooracrossthehall.Whennooneanswered,he
cautiouslyopenedit.Stuffedanimalsanddollswerepackedcozilyonashelfaboveawhite-painted
studentdesk.Postersofteenidolsmaskedagoodpartofthefloralwallpaper.Mandy'sroom.
Hisknockonthenextdoorbroughtnoresponse,either.Thistimewhenheopeneditacrack,hesawBeth
rightaway.Shelaycurledonhersideonthebed,headonherlace-edgedpillow,eyesclosed.Afuzzy
bluerobegapedopenatherneck.
Alarmpulsedthroughhim.Maybeshehadfainted.Soundlesslyhepushedthedoorallthewayopenand
crossedthecarpetedfloortothebed,oneofthoseaffairswithpoststhattaperedgracefullytofinialsnear
theceiling.Hegaveawildglancethroughanotherdoor,whichstoodopentoabathroom.Besidethe
claw-footedtub,surroundedbyashowercurtain,wasaheapofclothes.
Holdinghisbreath,helistenedforhers.Itcame,deepsigh,thenaresumptionofevenslowbreaths.The
strengthofhisreliefmadehimfeellikeanidiot,Whathadhereallythoughtshewasdead?
Butwhyhadn'tshelethimknowshewasgoingtotakeanap?
Shemurmuredjustthenandrolledontoherback.Hestoodtransfixed,feelinglikealecherbutunableto
lookawayfromthecurveofacreamybreastandtheshadowofanipplealmostexposed.Hewas
sweatingashestareddownather.Withanearphysicaleffort,hewrenchedhisgazeinchbyinchfromher
breast,butnothingelsehesawmadehimcooldownany.Herthroatwaspaleandgraceful.Thisclose,he
couldseeeverytinyfreckleonhernoseandcheeks.Hermouthwassoft,thelowerlipfull.Herlashes
werefansofspungoldagainstherdelicateskin.Shehaddriedherhair,thecudslookedsospringyhe
wassurealockwouldcudaroundhisfingerifhejustreachedout.
Onearmwasflungaboveherheadinaposeofinnocentabandon.Thesleeveoftherobehadfallenback
torevealanarrowwrist,veinedinblue.
Nathangroaned,thesoundrecallinghimtosomesenseofdecency.Whatwashe-apeepingTom?Good
God,whatifshewokeupandfoundhimgapingather?
Withanotherpainfuleffort,hesteppedback.Hispalmstingled.Hecouldfeelherbreast,justrounded
enoughtofillhishand,theskinsofterthananythinghe'devertouched.Thebonesofhershoulderwould
befragile,herwaistslender.Ifthatrobefellallthewayopen,wouldheseecurlsasgoldasthoseonher
head?Theimagehadhimclenchinghisteethandbackingupanotherfewstepsuntilhebumpedintothe
opendoor.

Atleastfromherehecouldn'tseeherbreastanymore.Hefinallynoticedthatoneofherfeet,pinkand
cleanfromtheshower,touchedthecarpet.Itwasasthoughshe'dsatontheedgeofthebed,thenthought,
I'lljustputmyheaddownforaminute.

"I'mfine.Justalittletired,"she'dsaid.
Morethanalittle,hethoughtnow.She'dneededanapandbeentoostubborntotakeone.Shewasthe
bosshere;whowasgoingtotellherwhattodo,evenifitwasforherowngood?Mandy?Oneofher
seasonalberrypickers?
Andhe'dbethisnextyear'scompanyprofitsthatshehadn'ttoldasoulbuthimshewaspregnant.She
wouldn'twantsomeonetoletitsliptoMandy.No,she'dforgeon,pretendingnothingwasanydifferent.
She'donlytoldhimbecauseshe'dhadto!Otherwise,he'dhaveshownupatthatdamnclinicagaintoput
himselfthroughthehumiliationofcominginacup.
Fornow,Nathandecided,he'dlethersleep,evenifshewasannoyedathimlater.Buthedidn'tlikethe
ideaofnotbeinghereinthefuture,especiallythesenextcoupleofmonths,whenberryseasonwouldbeat
itsheightandshewasboundtopushherselfbeyondanysensiblelimits.
Downstairsheatetwosandwichesandgulpedthejuicebeforeheadingoutside.He'dtakeherpickingthis
afternoonandmaybetomorrow.
Afterthatwell,hell,maybehecouldgetuphereforcoupledayseveryweekorso.
OrHestoppeddead,awarethattheothers,gatheringagainafterthebreak,hadturnedtostareathim.Or
whynotrentaplaceuphere?Hedoagoodpartofhisbusinessonthecomputerbye-mailandfax.What
travelingwasrequiredcoulddojustaswelloutofSeaTacAirportashecouldfromPortland
International.MaybeeveryotherweekhecouldgotoPortlandfortwoorthreedays.
Bethwouldtrytotalkhimoutofit,heknew.She'dregardhispresenceasinterference.Butdamnit,he
hadfightsandresponsibilitiesasthefatherofthechildshecarded.Ababywasaprettyabstractidea.At
themomenthewasmoreconcernedaboutBeth.
Buthedidn'thavetotellherthat.
Yeah.Helikedit.Hehadconfidencehecouldarrangethingssothathewasaroundenoughtomakelife
easieronBeth.
ForthemomentNathanshovedthemoremundaneconcernshowtohandlespecificobligationsoutofthe
wayandheadedtowardthepickers.
"Hi,"hesaid,nodding."I'mNathanMcCabe,Beth'sbrother-in-law.She'snotfeelingtoowell,soI'm
goingtohelpout."
Thepausewasnoticeable.Mostofthem,ifnotall,hadn'tknownshehadabrother-in-law.Twolooked
startled;theymusthavebeenaroundlongenoughtohavemetRob.Butnoneofthemwouldquibbleas
longashewasreadytowork.
Achorusofnamescamebackathim.Acollege-agestudlookedhimover."Youeverdonethisbefore?"
"Yeah,summerswhenIwasyourage."
Thekidnodded,asthoughbegrudginghimanycredit,andpointedtoonerow."Sheleftoffabouthalfway
down.Takeabasketandgoforit."
He'ddothat.Nowandforasmanydaysashe

couldmanage.itwastheleastheowedthemotherofhisunbornsonordaughter,evenifthecircumstances
werealittlebizarre.

CHAPTERFIVE

WHENMANDYARRIVEDHOMEontheschoolbus,shedroppedherbookbagonthefrontporchand
wentouttothefield.Sheautomaticallyscannedthepickers.NoMom.Maybeshewasmakingjam.
MandywasabouttoturnbackwhenshesawUncleNate.Cool!
Hewasprettygrungy,andhisdarkhair,alittlelongerthanhers,wasmattedwithsweat.Evenso,she
thoughthewasreallycute.
Whenheheardhercoming,helookedupwithoneeyebrowraised,likeKeanuReevesinSpeed.Thenhe
grinned,thisflashofwhiteteethinadirtyfacestreakedwithstrawberryjuice.
"Howcomeyou'reworking?"Mandyasked,squattingnexttohim.Shepluckedabigfatberryandbitit
offjustbelowthestem.Hertonguecaughtasquirtofjuicetryingtotrickledownherchin.
"Yourmomwon'tletmestayunlessIearnmykeep."
Shegavehimalook."Yeah,right."
Hegrimaced."Actually,I'mhidingoutherebecauseshe'smadatme."
"Whatdidyoudo?"sheaskedwithinterest.Momhardlyevergotmadather.
Hekeptpicking,hishandsquickandsure."When

shecameinforlunch,shefellasleep.Ididn'twakeherup.Meaculpa."
"What'sthatmean?"
Shelikedthewaythecreaseinhischeekgotdeeperwhenhesmiled.
"I'matfault.Guiltyascharged."
Mandyfrowned."Butshe'stheonewhofellasleep."
"Trytellingherthat,"UncleNatemuttered.
"You'rekidding,aren'tyou?"Itwasn'tquiteaquestion.Shefrownedagain."Whydidshefallasleep?"
Hepaused,stillsquatting,andrestedhiselbowsonhisknees."Wouldyoubelieveshewassoexcited
aboutmyvisitshecouldn'tsleeplastnight?"
Mandythoughtaboutit."No."
Hepretendedshe'dstabbedhim,claspinghishandtohisheart."Areyoutellingmeyousleptlikeababy,
too?Youweren'ttheslightestbitexcited,them?"
Mandydidn'tseeanyreasonnottotellthetruth.
"Iwaskindof,"sheadmitted."Ilikeyouhere."
Hissmilewasdifferentthis
"Ilikebeinghere.IwishI'dknownaboutyourmomalongtimeago.IfeellikeI'veout.YourdadandI
wereidiots."
"Whatdidyoufightabout?"
Hepickedwithoutspeakingforaminute.Thenpausedandlookedupather."Ican'ttellyouaboutourlast
fight.It's...adult.Butreally,itwasjustlaststraw.We'dspentyearscompeting.Ithoughtitwasallyour
dad,thathe'dsucceedatanythingwithouthimdoingit,too,andbetterifhecould.ButIguessmaybeIwas
doingthesamewithoutrealizingit.Probablybothofuswereuncomfortablewiththefactthatwelooked
somuchalikeandhadsimilarabilities.Yougettobeateenagerandyouneedtoknowwhoyouare,what
makesyouspecial.We'dlookateachother,andweweren'tsure."
Mandylistened,frowning."Icanseewhyyou'dfeelthatway,"shesaidgravely."I'mnotateenageryet,
butalreadyeverythingseemsreallyconfusing,youknow?ButatleastIdon'thavea..."She'dbeengoing
tosay"twin,"butshechangedhermind."Anecho."
"Anecho,"herepeated,andshecouldtellhewasthinkingaboutit.
"Yeah.Ourtroublewas,webothwantedtoknowwhowasmakingtheoriginalsoundandwhowasonly
echoingit."
"Dadwasreallycompetitive."Shewrinkledhernose."IrememberMomgettingmadathiminthecar.He
actedlikehethoughtalltheotherdriverswereracinghim.Healwayshadtogetawayfromstop-lights
beforetheothercars.Orbethefastestonthefreeway."
HisfacewasfadingfromhermemoryorithadbeenuntilUncleNatecamebutmostofwhatshedid
rememberaboutherfatherwasgood.
Comforting.Soitwashardtothinkbacktosomethingthathadscaredheralittle,likehimdrivingtoofast.
"Yeah,hewasalwayskindofashow-off,"UncleNatesaid."Iwasn't.ButthenIresenteditwhenhegot
moreattention.Whatweshouldhavedonewasgoindifferentdirectionsmeintosomethingwhere

I'dgetattentionwithoutaskingforit,Robintodramaorradioorcarracing."Hegrinned."Heshould
havebeenanIndy500driver."
"Maybethatwasyourparents'fault."
Heshotheralookofsurprise."Maybe."
"Whatweretheylike?"WhenDaddied,shewastooyoungtocaremuchaboutgrandparentswhowere
alreadydeadandwhomshe'dnevermet.AndnowDadwasn'taroundtoask.
SomebodyshoutedaquestionandUncleNatewavedahand.Toherhesaid,"Howaboutwetalkabout
themthisevening?Rightnow,I'mfallingbehind."
"Okay,"Mandyagreed."I'dbettergodomyhomework.IsMominthehouse?"
"No,she'smakingjaminthebarn."
Mandynodded."Bye."
"Hey,"hecalledafterher."Ilikeyourglasses."
Shemadeafaceoverhershoulder.Shehatedwearingglasses.
Pushingthemuponhernose,shewenttothebarnsoMomwouldknowshewashome.Thewholebarn
smelledsweet,likethetasteinMandy'smouth.Momwasinthekitchenladlingjamfromahugevatinto
jars.
Shewasfrowningandmutteringtoherself,andjamdrippeddownthesideofthejarinherhand.Shewas
mad.
"Hi,Mom,"Mandysaidcarefully,pretendingshehadn'tnoticed.
"Sweetie."Hermothersmiledandblewupwardtopuffherbangsfromherdampforehead."Haveaseat."
Itwassohotinherewasbackingtowardthedoor."Sure.DidyourememberIhavedramatonight?"
Mom'seyeswidened."Drama?Oh,Lord.Dinnershouldalreadybeon.I'llfinishuphereasquickasI
can."
"IfI'mlateorcan'tgo,that'sokay."Mandydidn'twanttosounddisappointed.Becauseofbeingsick,she
knewshetookmoreofhermother'stimeandenergythanmostkidsdid.Butshereallylovedherdrama
class.Itwastheonlytimeshecouldcompletelyforgetherselfand,foralittlewhile,besomeoneelse.
Maybeshewasashow-off,too,likeherdad.Shedidn'tmindbeinglikehim.
"No,we'llmanage."Momwipedoffthejamjarandgrabbedanemptyone,thentheladle."Youruncle
Nate'shere."
"Iknow.Italkedtohim."Mandyshiftedherbackpackfromoneshouldertotheother."Maybehecould
takemetonight."
Momglancedather."Wouldyoulikethat?"
"Hecouldwatchforthelasthalfhour."
"I'llbethe'denjoythat."
"Willyouletmeaskhim?"Mandybitherlip."Thatway,Icantellifhedoesn'treallywantto."
Momtriedtosmile."Okay."
"IcouldhavetoldhimandDadapartrightaway,"Mandysaid.Shewasn'texactlysurewhatshemeantby
that,butitseemedimportanttosay.
Hermotheronlynodded."Me,too.Itseemsfunnywhentheylooksomuchalike,doesn'tit?"

ATTHEDINNERTABLE,BethcouldhardlybringherselftomeetNathan'seyes.She'dthrownatemper

tantrumtoday,somethingshedidn'tremembereverdoingbefore.
She'dawakenedfeelingdrugged,herarmsheavy,hereyelidsleaden.Herthoughtsmovedasslowlyasher
body.Whywasshelyingonthebedinherrobe?Sherolledtoonesideandstaredwithoutunderstanding
attheclock.Three.Inthemorning?Butshehadherrobeon.Sunlightlayinawarmgoldenbandacross
thefloor.
Andthensheremembered.She'dcomeinforlunch,takenashowerandlaiddownforjustaminute.Three
hoursago.
ButsurelyNathanwouldhavewokenherup.Heknewshehadtobebackouttowork.
Shedressedandhurrieddownstairstofindanoteonthekitchentable.
Sandwichandmilkinthefridge.I'moutpicking.
Bethhadstormedouttothefieldandtoldhimhehadnobusinessdecidingwhetherornotshewouldput
inafulldayofwork.She'dallbutstampedherfootandyelled,"Sothere!"
Darkeyesopaque,he'dlisteneduntilshewounddown,thensaidtersely,"Youwouldn'thavefallenasleep
ifyouhadn'tneededtheextrarest.Ifyou'regoingtodothis,youcan'taffordtobeafool."
Flushed,shelookedaroundtoseethattheyhadanaudience,although,thankGod,shedoubtedanyone
couldhavecaughttheirwords.Shesetherteethandmarchedbacktothebarn,whereoneofherhelpers
wasalreadyrinsingberries.
Shehadn'tseenNathansince,althoughhalfanhouragoshe'dheardhimcomeintothehousethenthe
showerrunning.Nowtheysatacrossthetablefromeachother,Mandyservingasabuffer.
Hewasn'tlookingatBeth,either.HelistenedasMandytoldhimaboutherdramaclass,offeredbythe
SeattleChildren'sTheatreDramaSchool.
"MyteacherisinaproductionrightnowattheSeattleRep.It'snotaplayforkids,soIhaven'tseenit,but
shethinksshe'sgoingtobeinPeterPanattheIntiman.Momsayswecangotothat."
Bethhadn'theardMandychatterwithsuchanimationinalongwhile.
Nathanwasmakingalltheappropriateresponsesandlookinglikehemeantthem.
"Anyway,myclassistonight,andIwonderedif,um,youcouldtakeme.Theteacherletsparentswatch
thelasthalfhour."Allofasuddenshewasfiddlingwithherforkandonlystealingsidelongglancesat
him.
Bethwasgoingtokillhimifhesaidno.
Heofferedherdaughteroneofthosequickraresmiles."I'dlikethatifyourMomdoesn'tmind."
"I'dbedelighted,"Bethsaidoffhandedly."Ifyoucantakeher,I'dhavesomeextratimetocatchupon
laundryandcleanthekitchen."
Hiseyesmethers."Don'tyoueversitdownandrelax?WatchTV?Read?"
"OfcourseIdo!"shesnapped.
Mandy'sanxietyshowedinhertoo-thinface.Nathannoticed,too,becausehesmiledagainatMandy.
"Yourmommakesmefeellazy.Ican'tkeepupwithher."
"Youmean,youcouldn'tnapforthreehourslikeIdid?"Bethcouldhavekickedherselftheminutethe
wordswereout.Shesoundedsopetty,sounpleasant.Itwasthatdamnsmilethathaddoneit,she
acknowledgedunhappily.Shewasjealousofherowndaughter.
HegaveBethabriefunreadablelook,thensaid,"Everybody'sentitled."
Shehatedthatdeliberatelycourteoustone,whichmadeitplainwhointerestedhim:Mandy.Hehadtoget
alongwithhertobeallowedtovisitherdaughter.
Enjoyingfeelingsorryforyourself?herinnervoiceasked.
Yes.Sheanswered,beforeasparkofhumorletherseetheidiocyofherpique.Nathanhadbeenjustas
nicetoherashe'dbeentoMandyuntilsheindulgedinherlittlefittoday.Thefunnythingwas,shedidn't

evenknowwhyshe'dbeensoangry.ForPete'ssake,themanhadgoneoutanddoneherjobsoshecould
sleep!
Sheautomaticallyputabiteoflasagnaintohermouth,tuningoutwhateverNathanandMandywere
talkingabout.
Shealwayswokeupgrumpyfromnaps,onereasonshenevertookthem.
Butstill.Beththoughtbacktothewayherhearthadcrampedinangerwhenshereadthenote.No,she
amendedslowly,notanger.Panic.Shehadn'tlikedtheideathathewastakingcareofher.Thatimplieda
lossofcontrol,whichwasscary.Shedidn'twanttodependonanyone.Shewantedtocopeallonher
own.
Why?sheaskedherself,butthistimeshehadnoanswer.
"Cool!"Mandybouncedinherchair."You'rereallymoving?"
Moving?BethturnedawarygazeonNathan."Whatdidyousay?"
"Wouldyoupleasepassthegarlicbread?"heaskedMandybeforeglancingatBethwiththatsame
courteousblankexpression."I'mgoingtorentaplaceuphere.Probablyalittlesouth,closertothe
airport,butnearenoughtoyousothatIcanbehereifyouneedme."
Onceagainirrationalpanicflutteredinherchest."ButyourofficeisinPortland."
Ifhenoticedthewayhervoicerose,heignoredit."Ionlygoinadayortwoaweek,anyway.Therestof
thetimeI'meithertravelingorIworkfromhome.Betweenfaxmachinesandcomputers,Icangetalmost
anythingdonelong-distance."
"Youmusthavefriends,ahealthclub,favoriterestaurants."Bethtriedhardtothinkofeverythinghemight
miss."Whyuprootyourself?."
Betrayinglyhisgazeshiftedlowertowherehemighthaveseenherbellyifthetablehadn'tblockedhis
view."Idon'tknowthatIhaverootsthere."Heshrugged,meetinghereyesagain."Seattlewillbejustas
convenient."
Givenherdaughter'spresence,whatcouldshesaybut"Justsoyoudon'tfeelsomekindof...obligation.
We'vebeendoingfineonourown."
Oneofhisdarkbrowsrose,themeresttwitch,butenoughtosignalhisskepticismandarouseherrage.
She'dhitthenailonthehead:he'ddecidedtheyneededhim.Shewasworkingtoohard,andpoorsick
littleMandywaslanguishingforlackofafatherfigure.Hewassomekindof.demi-God,condescending
tosweepinandsavethem.

JustwaituntilMandygoestobed,Beththought,lipstightening.Thenshe'dtellhimwhathecoulddowith
hispatronage.
Toobadshecouldn'ttellhimwhattodowithhissperm.Yetevenasshehadthethought,herhandmoved
toherabdomen.EvenifthischilddidentitleNathantosomerightsshe'dratherdenyhim,shewouldn't
changewhatshe'ddone.Thebabytheywouldsharehadrestoredherhope.

NATHANPUTTHELASTPANintheoak-veneercupboardbesidethebuilt-inrangeandclosedthe
door.Thekitchenstilllookeduninhabited.Thewholeplacedid.He'drentedthetownhousefurnished,the
mostlyneutralcolorsobviouslychosentobeacceptabletoanytenant,eveniftheydidn'texciteanyone.
He'dbroughtsomestufffromPortland,butnoteverything,becausehe'ddecidedtokeephiscondothere.
He'dbespendingnightsdownthereoftenenoughtomakeithandy.Andwhilethisseemedlikeagood
ideafightnow,hecouldeasilyfindhimselfunwelcomeatBethMcCabe's.Regularremindersthatthis
residencewastemporarymightnotbeabadidea.
Afterall,she'dmadeitplainenoughthatshedidn'twanthimaroundasoftenashehadinmind.The
minuteMandyhadgonetobed,she'dtoldhimso.Oneremarkstruckbelowthebelt.
"You'retheonewhosuggestedIwasinvitingyoutostandinforRob.Isn'tthatwhatyou'retryingtodo?"
Wasit?Hell,yeah,heintendedtohelpouthisbrother'swidowanddaughter.Ifhe'dknowntheirexistence
andRob'sdeathsooner,Bethwouldn'thavehadtostrugglealonethesepastthreeyears.
Butwashe,onanotherlevel,tryingtostepintohisbrother'sshoes?
Thequestionmadehimuncomfortable.RobmightevenconsiderthatNathanwaseveningthescore,titfor
tat.Nathanwantedtobelievehismotiveswerenoblerthanthat,buthowcouldhebesure?
Hemutteredacurseandheadedintothesparebedroom,whichhewasconvertingtoanoffice.Withhis
thingsjusthalf-unpacked,itboremoreofhisstampthantherestofthetownhouse.Thecomputerwas
alreadysetup,thefaxmachinewaitingforasecondphoneline.Onthewhitewalls,he'dhungacoupleof
favoritephotos,blownupandframedsimplyinblackmetal.Oneshowedautumnleaves,paleyellowand
vividgold,lingeringonanaspentree.Thosealreadyfallenfloatedinasmallstreamandcloggeda
naturaldamoftumbledboulders.TheotherphotographwastheclassicofMountShuksan,withits
reflectioncastonthestilllake.Notoriginal,butevocative.
Hecouldalmostsmellthehuckleberries,feelthesharpchillofthewater,breathethecrispair.
Ithadbeentoolongsincehe'ddoneanyclimbing.Evenhiking.Hethoughtbacktotheprevioussummer.
He'dclimbedMountHoodacoupleoftimes.HeandhisbuddyMatthadvowedtoclimbConstanceinthe
OlympicMountains,buttheirfreeweekendsnevercoincided.Hecouldn'tevenrememberthelasttime
he'dtalkedtoMatt.Ithadbeenweeks.Hell,probablymonths.Toolong.AndNathanconsideredMatthis
bestfriend.
RememberingBeth'smockconcernabouthispullinguproots,Nathansnorted.Hehadn'tputanydown.If
hewerehonestwithhimself,hiscondoinPortlandwasdamnnearasaridasthisrentedplace.Didhe
everreallythinkofitashome?"Myplace,"hetendedtocallit,whichwasevenhowhethoughtofit.He
ownedit,helivedthere,butwhenhethoughthome,whatflashedinhismindwastheneatwhitebungalow
wherehe'dgrownup,notsofarfromhere.HomehadbeenBremerton,ontheothersideofthesound.It
wasanavytown;hisdadhadbeenawelderworkingondestroyersandtheoccasionalaircraftcarrier.
Dadhadbeenabeer-drinking,chain-smokingveteran,proudbecausehisboysweresmarterthanhewas.
MomhadneverworkedDadwouldn'tlether.Fordinnermightnothavebeenonthetableeverydayat
five-thirtywhenhewalkedinthedoor.
Funnythatinthelightofmemory,Mom'spersonalityhadaclarityandindividualityDad'sdidn't.
VolunteeringwasokaywithDad,andbyGodshevolunteered.FriendsoftheLibrary,RoomMother,PTA.

Whenshejoinedanorganization,sheendeduprunningit.Sheranherhouseholdjustasefficiently.She'd
havemadeahellofaCEO,somethingDad'segocouldneverhavestood.
Nathansatdowninhispaddedofficechairandstaredunseeinglyattheblankcomputerscreen.Mom
wouldhavebeendisgustedifshe'dknownheandRobhadletaquarrelendtheirrelationship.
"Remember,"sheusedtotellthem,withabrisknod,"nobodywilleverknowyouorunderstandyouthe
wayyourbrotherdoes."
Butthen,he'dlongagorealizedMomwaspartlyresponsibleforthewaythingshadturnedout.Shehad
believedincompetition.Shewasconstantlypittinghertwinsonsagainsteachother.Hecouldseeher
now,inherhousedress,armscrossed."Whichoneofyoucanfoldthelaundrythefastest?"She'dbesure
toadd,"Anddoitright."
They'ddoneitfastandright,butoneofthemwouldenduphumiliated.
Hehadtowinbackhisself-esteemdoingthenextchore.Neighborsmusthavewonderedwhytheirlawn
wasalwaysthemostcloselymowed,themostneatlyraked.AndinthemeantimethoseMcCabeboyshad
maintainedstraightA'sandgoneoutforbaseball,footballandbasketball.Alwaysthesamesports,except
fortheonespringwhenNathantriedwrestling,insteadofbaseball.
They'dpartedwaysonlywhenRobstuckhisheadunderthehoodofacarandwhenNathanswungafifty-
poundpackonhisbackandheadedupintotheOlympicMountains.Someofthesenseoffreedomandjoy
hefoundthere,he'dcometorealize,wasfromtheseveringofthebond,whichsometimesfeltlikethe
physicaljoiningofSiamesetwins.ProbablyRob'spleasureinfastcarswaspartlymadeupofthesame
relief.
Nathansworeagainandpushedbackhischair.Hell.Wasn'titenoughthathegrievedforhisbrother?Did
hehavetounderstandthepast,too?Whatwasdonewasdone.They'deachmadealifeseparatefromthe
other.Rob'shadendedsoonerthanitshouldhave.Nathanwasdoingwhathismotherhadtaughthimwas
right:fulfillingtheresponsibilityonebrotherhadtakenon.Buthewasn'ttryingtodoitbetter.Evenifhe'd
wantedto,hecouldn't.BethMcCabehadlovedRob,andnogratitudeshecametofeelforNathanwould
everequalthat.

SOMETIMESSHEWANTEDtoscreamathimtostayaway,ifonlyhisbeingherewasn't,Godhelpher,
sucharelief.Shewassotiredthistimearound.Thenausea,too,woreherdown.Thereweredaysshe
didn'tthinkshecouldbearthesmellofcookingjamanotherminute.Thatrichsweetsmellhadalways
meantsuccesstoher,security,strength.
Therecipeswerehers,theresultofendlessexperimenting.Whenshetastedabatchofraspberryjam,the
experiencewassensual.Butnow.
Nowitwasjustwork.
ThesummerwasalreadysettingheatrecordsfortheNorthwest.Thatwasgoodfortheberries,which
wereripeningearlyandsweet.Forapregnantwoman,itwassheermisery.Shehadtwofanssetupinthe
barnkitchen,butalltheydidwasstirthemuggyairaround.Shetookshowerstwiceaday,butshewas
sweatingbeforeshecouldeventowel-dry.
Shewantedtoblametheheatforherinsomnia,too,butwastoohonest.
Heatdidrise,makingtheupstairsoftheoldhousetoowarmevenafternightfell.Butwithherwindows
flungopenandtheceilingfanwhirling,coolerairsoonwhisperedoverherskinasshelaysprawledon
thecrispcottonsheet,coversflungtooneside.
Itwasotherthingskeepingherawake.Thingslikeherconscience,whichhadstayedsilentuntilshe'd
madeanirrevocabledecisionbutnowwaswhisperingquestions.
Won'tyoubeangryatthisbabyifhe'snotacloseenoughmatchtoMandy?Howcanyoubesureyou'll

reallylovehim,nomatterwhat?
Firingupatsomeoneelsewaseasyenough;beingone-hundred-percent,never-look-backsureinherown
heartandmindwasanothermatter.Shelayinbedandsplayedherhandsoverherbelly.Itwasflatand
smooth,withoutevenasmallswellingtoconvinceherthatshewasreallypregnant,thatthiswasn'talla
dreamoranightmare.Shetouchedherbreasts,too,buteventheyweren'tmoresensitiveyet.
"I'mpregnant,"shewhispered,anddidn'taltogetherbelieveit.Exceptforthetiredness.Andthenausea.
Andtheconfirmationfromthedoctor.Butsheneededthatflutterinside,thatshiveroflifeseparatefrom
herself,tosettleherinternaldebate.
Ofcourseshe'ddonetherightthing.Howcouldshehavedoneless?
ButBethwanteddesperatelytofeelanattachmenttothebabyshecarried,aloveaspowerfuland
protectiveasthatshefeltforMandy.
Onlythencouldshesilencethevoicesthatexpressedherdeepestfears.

NATHANINSISTEDonaccompanyingherthenexttimeshesawherobstetrician.Halfadozentimesshe
triedtellinghimhereallydidn'tneedtocome.Shewasfine;theappointmentwasroutine;evenmost
husbandsdidn'tgointheearlymonths.
"Maybeso,"he'dagree,"buttheirresponsibilityisprettyfirmlyestablished.Mineisn't.I'mhereforyou,
andI'mhereformysonordaughter.Iwantyoutobesureofthat."
Idon'tcare,shewantedtocry,butitwasalie.Shewasscaredofbeingalonethistimearound.Probably
everyparentfouledupsometimes,butwhenyouwereallyourchildhad,panicwasneververyfaraway.
SheblamedherselfforthosetimeswhenMandylookedatherwitheyesolderthanherown,whenMandy
said,"I'mfine,Mom.No,Idon'twanttotalkaboutit.Really.Don'tworry."Whenhadherowndaughter
quittellingherwhatshefelt?Ifonlysheknewwhatshe'ddoneorsaidthatwaswrong,shecouldundoit.
Butshehadnoidea.Andnowshewasproposingtoraiseanotherchild,asthoughshe'dbecomeanexpert.
WhatifMandyfellillagainwhileshehadababycryingnights?ShewasdoingthisforMandy,butwho
wouldshechoosethen?WithoutNathan,shemighthavetoleavethebabywithahiredsitterwhileshe
spentnightsatthehospital.Orstayhomewiththebaby,leavingMandyaloneinthehospital.
Sheneededhim,butthatdidn'thavetomeanshegaveupallherprivacy.Hewasn'therhusband,evenif
helookedlikehewas.
Shehadtokeepremindingherselfofthat,becausewhenshelayinbeddriftingtowardsleep,she'dfind
herselfreachingoutforRob,apleasantachebetweenherthighs.Theyhadn'tmadeloveinsuchalong
time.Buthewasherenow,hisweightsettlingontheedgeofthebed.
SurelyhewasashungryforherasshewasforhimBethjoltedawake.
Almostawake.Rob,shecriedinside,andthenknew.Hewasdead.Oh,God.Shewasn'tdreamingabout
Robatall.Themansittingonthesideofthebedwasn'tsmilinginsouciently,teethflashingwhiteevenin
themoonlight;thelineofhismouthwasgrim.Ashepulledhishishead,shesawthatthepuckeredscar
bisectingherhusband'sbelly,alegacyofamotorcycleaccident,wasmissing.
Sheshotboltuprightandhefaded.Butshe'dseenhim!Bethsqueezedhereyesshutandtriedtoslowher
breathing.No.NathanMcCabehadn'tbeeninherbedroomonlyamomentago,anymorethanhe'dbeen
theretheothernightsshe'dhadsimilardreams.Hersubconsciouswasconfused,thatwasall.ThankGod
hedidn'tknow.AndthankGod,shethoughtguiltily,Robcouldn'tknow.
InthemorningBethfeltheavy-eyedandsluggish.Leaningagainstthecounterasshewaitedforwaterto
boil,wantingcoffeeandknowingshe'dsettleforherbaltea,shewatchedMandyeathercerealatthe
kitchentable.Jeanshortsshowedlonglegssoskinnythekneeswereknobby.Herelbowsstuckout
awkwardly.Despitethesun,shewasstilltoopale.FearcrampedinBeth,asfamiliaraseveryotherdaily

emotion.Evenifyourchildwascured,howlongdidittakeuntilthedreadandfearquitstabbinga
reminderofyourhelplessness,ofwhatyoumightlose?Ordidtheyever?
Mandylookedup.Ifshesawwhathermothertriedtohide,shedidn'tcomment."Whenareyougoingto
takemetoKayla's?Ishouldcallher."
LastweekBethhadaskedKayla'smotherifshe'dhaveMandyovertoday.
Mandyhadnoideahermotherhadadoctorappointment.NowBethsaid,"AssoonasI'vehadbreakfast."
"Okay."Mandysethercerealbowlinthesink.

"Ihavetogogetmyswimsuitandputsunscreenlotiononandstuff."
Mandyswungbetweenawkwardnessandgrace.Todayshepoundedupthestairs,soundinglikeateenage
boyinsize-twelveReeboks.
ThephonerangjustasBethwassittingdownwithhertoastandtea,allherstomachseemedableto
handlethesedays.
"Hello?"
"WhattimeshallIpickyouup?"Nathanaskedwithoutpreamble.
Aflashofangerhadhersayingmoresharplythanshenormallywouldhaveallowedherself,"You
shouldn't.You'renotmyhusband.Pleasequitactingasifyouare."Pleasequitencouragingmetodream
aboutyouasifyouare.
Thesilencewaslongenough,thickenough,tohaveheropeninghermouthtoapologize.Shedidn'thavea
chance.
"I'vebeenhavingtroublebelievingI'mreallygoingtobeafather."
Hisvoicewastoneless."Ithought,ifIheardtheheartbeat..."Hedidn'tfinish."Ithadnothingtodowith
you."
TherewasasoftclickandBothrealizedhe'dhungup.Sheslammeddownthereceiverandfoughttheurge
toburstintotears.Shewouldnotfeelguilty.HewastheonetryingtotakeRob'splace,andshewouldn't
lethim!Nextthingsheknewhewouldbesittingontheedgeofherbedlookingather,nottenderly,but
grimly,asthoughshewasaburden.
No,shethought,staringblindlyatherdrytoast.Hewouldneversitontheedgeofherbed.She'doffered
himthechanceandhe'drefused.
Hedidn'twantwhathadbeenRob's.Didn'twanther.Shewastheoneconfused,nothim.
Sheshouldapologizeatleast.Maybelethimgowithhertothedoctor.Whatwouldithurt?Butshedidn't
reachforthetelephone.
Heremotionsweretoomuddledforhertodealwithhis,aswell.Later,shedecided.Theyhadtime
enoughtocometotermssevenmonths,tobeexact.Andbythensurelyplease,God!thischildinside
herwouldbereal,aperson,andshewouldbeabletolookatherbaby'sfatherandknowhewasn'tRob.

CHAPTERSIX

DAMNEDIFHEWASN'Tgoingtocry.Nathanblinkedhardandinhaledthroughhismouth.Aroundhim
otheradults,probablyallparents,stirred.Ababystartedtobabbleandthemothermurmurednonsensein
asingsongvoice.Buthedidn'tlookawayfromthepale,dark-eyedgirlsittingfacingtheaudience,hands
claspedinherlap.
MandywasdoingamonologuefromTheDiaryAnneFrank.Itwasapoignantlittlespeechinwhichshe
waswishingherselfoutoftheatticthathadhiddenthefamilyfortwolongyears.Soft,wistful,voice
achedwithyouthanddreamsandresignation.MandywasAnne,theJewishgirlwhowoulddieoffever
inaconcentrationcamp.
Whenshefinishedandbowedherhead,themomentofsilencetoldNathanhewasn'talonebeingmoved
byherperformance.Thenthesmallaudienceeruptedintoapplause.Theteacherofdramaclassrushed
forward.
"Amanda,thatwaswonderful.Ialmostcried."Nathangaveaquicksurreptitiousswipetothecornersof
hiseyes.Thepowerofherperformanceandthestingherillnessgaveitwasbeingsupplantedpride,
enoughtocloghisthroat.
Mandyquietlycrossedtothechairsatthesidetheroomwheretheothermembersoftheclassawaited

theirturns.Ayoungerboyhadcollectedsomepropsandtakenherplace.Justbeforeshesatdown,sheput
herglassesbackonandlookedtowardNathan.Itbothhurtandgratifiedhimtoseetheneedforapproval
inhereyes.Hisapproval.
Hegrinnedandofferedherathumbs-up,andwaswarmedbythequicksmilethatgaveherfaceanelfin
charm.
Thewomanbesidehimleanedoverandwhispered,"Yourdaughterisverytalented.Doesshehavean
agent?"
"Shehasn'tdonethatmuchactingyet,"hereturnedinalowvoice.HeoughttotellherthatMandywasn't
hisdaughter,butheallowedhimselftheindulgenceofpretending,ifonlyfortheevening.
Aftertheclasswasover,hehuggedMandy."You'reincredible,"hetoldher."Thewomanwhosatbeside
methinksyououghttohaveanagent."
"Really?"Mandybrightened."Youmean,soIcandocommercialsandstuff?"
"Iguess."
"That'dbecool."Shethoughtaboutit."Exceptthiskidwhowasinmyclasslastyearwenttolotsof
auditions.Hesaidyou'dsitforhourssometimes,andthenyoucouldtelltheyweren'tevenlisteningtoyou
whenitwasyourturn.Hegotoneortwoparts,butitdidn'tsoundworthit.Imean,hecouldn'tplaysoccer
orbaseballoranythingbecauseofauditions."
Nathanbreathedinthenightairandopenedthepassengerdoorforher.
Othercardoorswereslamming,taillightsflashing."You'dhavetowantitprettybad."

Sheploppedinsideandreachedfortheseatbelt."Yeah."Facedimlyilluminatedbytherooflightandthe
yellowparking-lotlamps,shewasquietlongenoughthathealmostclosedthedoor.Butsuddenlyshe
addedinafalsebrighttone,"MaybesomedayI'dliketodoit.Idon'tknow."
Hisheartcontracted.He'ddiscoveredthatwhathewantedmostinlifewasforMandytobeabletotalk
aboutthefuturewithrealhope,tobelievethatshehadafuture.He'dhavegivenherhisownifhecould.
Maybe,inaway,thatwaswhathewasdoing,becomingafatherforhersake.
Rob,hethoughtagain,didyouknowhowluckyyouwere?
Hewasbeginningtosuspectthathisbrotherhadindeedknown.Nathanwasspendingahellofalotof
nighthourswishinghecoulddoitalldifferently,haveachancetoseeRobasamanhewouldhaveliked.
Butthencameaninsidiousthought.HewouldalsohavehadtoseeBethhappilymarriedtohisbrother.
Bythetimehe'dreachedhisownsideofthecar,hehadsquelchedhisturmoil,shoveditbackdownand
slammedthelid,likeahamperfullofdirtylaundrythathadtobewashedsoonerorlater,butnotnow.
Troublewas,nowneverseemedliketherighttime.HeandMandychattedonthewayhome,justaneasy
conversationwithcomfortablesilences,asthoughthey'dknowneachotheralltheirlives.ItwasAugust,
andtonightwashersecond-to-lastactingclassofthesummersession.Nextweekwasthefinal
monologuesthey'dworkedonallsummer;tonighthadbeenarehearsal.Parentscouldcometoeitheror
both.Mandyhaddecidedhecouldcometonight,herroomnextweek.Hecouldgonextweek,too,she'd
addedhopefully.
Unspokenwaswhattheyallkneworatleastsuspected:Bethwouldratherhedidn't.Shewasavoiding
him.EvenMandyhadtohavenoticed.Oh,hesawBeth,butmostlyinpassing.She'dsuggestsomeplace
hemighttakeMandy.Anerrandhecoulddoforthem,sincehewasdeterminedtobehelpful.Sometimes
shetooknapswhenhewasthere.
Damnedifthatwasn'tworsetorturethanherpresence.She'dgoupthestairsandcloseherdoor,and
eventuallyonlysilencewouldcomefromupthere.Nathanwouldpicturehimselfclimbingthestairsthe
wayhehadtheothertime,easingopenherbedroomdoor,steppinginside.
She'dbecurledonhersideasshe'dbeenthatafternoon,herfuzzybluegowngapingopen.Belowthe
goldentanofherthroat,herbreastswouldbepale.Ifheslippedafingerintotheopeningofthegown,
he'dbeabletoeaseitaside.Justanotherinch,andhe'dseehernipple.And,God,hewantedtoseeit,as
he'dneverwantedanythinginhislife.Almost,heamended.NexttoMandybeingcured.
WhenBethwasawake,herfaceheldsomuchwarinessheclungtothevisionofitinsleep.Goldlashes,
tinyfreckles,mouthsoft.Itlookedyoungerthanshemustbe.Sweet.Pretty.Kissable.
AndshewasprobablydreamingaboutRob.Theknowledgewaslikeanicyclumpofsnowfallingonhis
head.Shehadlovedhisbrother.Stilllovedhisbrother.NathanlookedjustlikeRob.Wasn'tRob.

Heknewhecouldn'thaveher,triedtomakehimselfquitdreaminghecould.GoodGod,evenifbysome
miraclesheclaimedtofallinlovewithhim,howwouldheeverknowwhomsheimaginedshewasgoing
tobedwith?
Tonighthealmostdidn'tgoinwithMandy,butwhenhefailedtoturnofftheignition,shegrabbedhishand
andbegged,"WillyoucomeandtellMomhowIdid?Please?"
Whatcouldhesay?"Youjustwantmetopuffupyourego,"hegrumbled,butinawaythatletherknowhe
waskidding.Heturnedoffthecarandgotout,lookingacrosstheroofather."Nextweek,yourmother'll
seeforherselfthatyou'rethenextClaireDanes.Assumingshe'snevernoticedanydramaticsaroundthe
house."
Mandydraggedhimuptheporchsteps."Youmean,likemepretendingIhatesomethingIreallydon't?"
"Yeah.Likethat."
"Youmean,likelie?"
"Uhm"heheldopenthefrontdoorforher"exaggerate."
"WouldIdothat?"Sheraisedshockedeyestohim.
"Yeah."Hepokedher."You'reprettygood,too."
Hergrinwasunaffectedlychildlike,acoupleofcrookedfrontteethmakinghimthinkaboutbracesand
contactlensestoreplacethosedetestedglasses.
Godwilling,she'dneedboth.
"Mom!"shebellowed.
Hermotherappearedfromthekitchen,ahalfgrownblack-and-whitecatdrapedoverhershoulder."Polly
isdeterminedtohelpmewashthedishes."
Damn,shelookedgood.Threemonthspregnant,andstillshecouldwearsnugjeansandasleevelessshirt
knottedatherwaist.Herhairwasheldupbyaclip,butpalecurlswereslippingoutallaroundherface.
Mandytooktheseeminglybonelessanimalfromhermother."Shelikeswater."
Bethwrinkledhernoseatthecat."There'ssomethingaboutherstaringinthetoileteverytimeIflushit..."
"Thatshowsshe'sintelligent,"Mandysaidconfidently."Imean,justthink,she'stryingtofigureoutwhere
allthatwaterisgoingandthenwhyitcomesrushingback."
SofarBethhadignoredNathan,butnowhereyesmethisinamusementoverherdaughter'shead.Forjust
asecondshe'dforgottenhethreatenedher.Upsether.
"Yeah,well,"hedrawled,"ifPollyhasanIQof150,Calvin'sisabouteighty-five.Theotherday,hewas
sobusywatchingabirdhefellofftheporchrailingintoalilacbush.Should'veseenhimslinkaway."
Eyesalightwithlaughter,Bethsaid,"Itcouldhavebeenworse.HemighthavefalleninarosebushThen
morethanhisdignitywouldhavebeendamaged."
Nathantriedforaneasygrin."Idon'tthinkhehasanydignity."
"Ofcoursehedoes!"Mandydeclaredindignantly."He'slikealittlekid,that'sall.Kidsaren'tsupposedto
bedignified."

"Morelikeateenager,"hermothermuttered."Speakingofteenagers,"
Nathansaid,"Iseemtorememberthatsomebodyaroundherehasabirthdaycomingup."
"Twosomebodies,actually,"hisniecetoldhimwithaslylookathermother."Mybirthdayisonthe
twentieth,Mom'sonthetwenty-fourth."
BethrolledhereyesatMandy."I'mdoingmybesttoforgetit."
"Oh,comeon,"Nathansaid,"itcan'tbethatbad."Heleanedanelbowonthestairbanister."Whatisit?
Thirty-three?Thirty-four?"
Thescrunched-upnoseremindedhimofanearlyidenticalexpressionMandysometimesmade."Thirty-
five."
"Hey,I'llhitthebigfour-Olongbeforeyouwill."
Sheblinked;ashadowcrossedherface."Youwill,won'tyou?"
Damnit,he'dscrewedup.HisbirthdaymeantRob'sbirthday.ButRobwouldn'tmakethebigfour-0.
"Bythetimeyou'reforty,"hesaidlightly,"youmayhaveafamousactressforadaughter.She'sdynamite."
Theshadowdisappeared.Asclearasahighmountainstream,Beth'seyesfastenedonhis."She'sgood,
isn'tshe?"
Shehadn'taskedhimtocomeanyfartherintothehouseandsitdown,butatleasttheyweretalking.Well,
hemightkillithere,butonereasonforhisinvolvementintheirliveswastoshareremembrancesofhis
brother."Yeah.DidyouknowRobwasindrama."
"Really?"Mandy'seyeswidened.
"Darnright.Let'ssee.HeplayedScroogeinAChristmasCarolinoursenioryearand,um,theKingof
SiaminTheKingandI.Hewasarealham."
"Youknow,heneversaid."Beth'svoicewassoft."Isupposethesubjectdidn'tcomeup.Mandywasn't
actingyet"Shestopped."Whatarewestandingherefor?Wouldyoulikeacupofcoffee?"
"Wouldn'tmind,"heagreedcasually.
OfcoursethatmeanthehadtocontinuetotalkaboutRob,dredgingupeverymemoryofthosethreeor
fourhigh-schoolplaysthathadgivenhisbrotheranotherchancetobethecenterofattention.Robwouldn't
haveactedifhecouldn'thavehadthestartingroles.Nathandidn'ttellBethorMandythat.Thesecondhe
ranoutofrecollections,Mandypoppedtoherfeet."I'mgonnagetreadyforbed.Thankyoufortakingme
tonight,UncleNathan.Night,Mom."
Two-thirdsofhiscoffeewasleft.Nathanhesitated,thenputhiscupdownandstartedtogettohisfeet.
Beth'sglanceshiedawayfromhim,butshesaid,"Youdon'thavetohurryoff."
Heraisedaneyebrow.Onesurpriseafteranother.He'dhaveswornMandywastryingtoleavethem
alone,excepthecouldn'tfigurewhyshe'ddothat.NowBethwasn'tpolitelypushinghimoutthedooras
shenormallydid,either.
Whenshedidn'tsayanything,hedid."You'veraisedanicekid."
"Sheis,isn'tshe?"Beth'seyes,shimmeringwithemotionthatneedn'tbenamed,methis."Haveyou
noticedshe'sdeveloping?"
Developing?Blankly,Nathanthought,developing

what?Thenitclicked."Oh.Yeah."Mandy'sbreastsweren'tmuchyet,buthehadnoticedherself-
consciousness."That'snormal,isn'tit?"heasked."She'salmosttwelve."Fifth,sixthgrade,heseemedto
rememberthatwaswhenhereallybecameawareofbreasts,presumablybecausethatwaswhenthegirls
begantogetthem.Hisawarenesshadfueledafewwetdreams.
Unconsciousofhisdetourintopersonalhistory,Bethnodded."Uh-huh.Oneofherfriendsisalready"
Beth'shandssketchedasomewhatimprobablePlayboy-bunnybosom"andshe'sbeenmenstruatingfor
ages."Sheclosedhereyeswithasnap,andatingeofpinkranalonghercheeks."I'msorry.Iforget,you
haven'thadkidsor...AmIembarrassingyou?"
"Nah."Helethisamusementshow,nottheclutchoflongingherfriendlinessawakened."Idoknowthe
factsoflife.Evenifmyoneventureintoparenthooddidn'trequireahellofalotofknowledge."
Nowshewastrulyblushing.Primlyshesaid,"I'msurethenursemusthavegivenyouinstructions."
"Ithinkshedid."Agrinpulledatthecornerofhismouth."Ijustdidn'ttakethemin.Iwastoostunnedby
the,uh,circumstances."
"Well,Ididgiveyouanalternative..."HorrormadehermouthformanO.Shehadn'tmeantthattoslipout.
Herubbedthebackofhisneck."YouknowwhyIturnedyoudown."
Shedidn'tseemtohaveheardhim."Itwasdumbofme."Shewastryingtosoundcheerful,uncaring,but
hertonewasforced."Idon'tevenknowwhatkindofwomanattractsyou!Maybeit'sbuxomredheads.I
mean,ifyou'dagreedtomypropositionjusttobekind,thinkhowhumiliatingitcouldhavebeenforboth
ofus."
Hiseyesnarrowed.Damnedifshehadn'tdecidedthathecouldn'thavegottenitup.Sinceshewasso
unattractive.Theironymadehimfrankerthanheshouldhavebeenforhisself-preservation.
"ActuallyRobandIhadprettysimilartastesinwomen."Moreirony.
Whichwasn'twhyhisvoiceroughened."Underothercircumstances,I'dhavegivenalottogouptoyour
bedroomwithyou."
Shelookedshockedandflattered?GoodGod,hadshereallybelievedhe'dturnedherdownbecausehe
didn'tfindhersexy?
Hertonguetouchedherlips.Nervously,nodoubt,butbefeltajoltofpurehunger.Shespokegravely.
"Didanybodyevertellyouyou'rechivalrous?"
Hesworeandstoodup,loomingoverher."Ididn'tsaythattobenice.Isaiditbecauseit'sthetruth.
You'reRob'swidow.Ifyouweren't"Histurntoputthebrakeson.Probablytoolate.
Sherosetoherfeet,too,slowly,neverlookingawayfromhim."Ififitweren'tforRob,maybe..."
Hesuckedinabreathandsqueezedhiseyesshut."Ishouldn'thavesaidthat."
"No."Shewasbeingpainfullyhonest.Hewishedshe'dquit."I'vebeenthinkingthesamething.I'm
confused.It'sjust...Ican'tbesurewhichofmyfeelingsareforRobandwhichareforyou."
Nathanforcedhimselftoopenhiseyesandsay

levelly,"Alittleconfusionisnatural.Imakeyouthinkabouthim."
"Sometimes"shebowedherhead,exposingthelonglineofherneck"Ihavedreams..."
Hehadafeelingheknewwhatkind.God,whywasshetellinghimthis?
He'dstartedit,hethought,appalled.Whyhadn'thekepthisdamnedmouthshut?He'dbeenbetteroffnot
guessingthatshefeltsomeofthesameturmoilhedid.Nowhe'dlieawakenightswonderingifshewas
thinkingabouthim,dreamingabouthim,hernippleshardeningforhim.OrforRob.
"I'dbettergo."Heblunderedbackward."IhopeIhaven'tmadeyoumoreuncomfortablearoundme."
"No."Hersighsoundedunconscious."Ithinkmaybeitneededtobesaid.I'vebeenrude.HidingbecauseI
didn'tknowhowtodealwiththethingsI'vefelt."
Things.Likewhat?hewantedtoask.Didherheartspeedupwhenhewasaround?Didshefeelaquiver
inherbelly?Didshehavetobusyherhandstokeepfromtouchinghim?Orwasshejusttalkingabout
dreamsofRob,onlyshewasn'tsureitwasn'thim,instead?
Heshrugged."We'reinastrangespot.NotjustbecauseofRob.
Becauseof..."Hegesturedatherbelly.
Herhandsspreadprotectivelyoverit.Thesightsentalurchofpuredesirethroughhim.
"That'strue."Hereyesweresofterthanhe'dseentheminweeks.
"Maybewe'veclearedtheair."
Hadthey?Oh,hell,maybehecouldpretend.
Maybepretensewouldevenbecomereality.Maybeeventuallyhecouldfeelbrotherlytowardher.
Yeah,aninnervoicemocked,notinyourdreams."Areyoufeelingokay?"heaskedawkwardly.
"Stillnauseated,"sheadmitted."Butitoughttopasssoon.Otherwise,I'mfine."
Henodded.Shedidn'tmentionthetiredness,butheknewshestillbattledthat,too.Atleastshe'dlistened
tocommonsenseandtooknapswhenshecouldmanageit.Andberryseasonwaswindingdown.
Sheseemedtobeeyeinghimcarefully."I...Ihaveadoctor'sappointmenttomorrow."
Surprisecoursedthroughhim.Heschooledhisvoicetobenoncommittal."Yeah?"
"Ifyou'dliketocome..."
Onlythegravelinhisvoicebetrayedhisemotions."Doyoumeanthat?"
"Iwasapiglastmonth."
"Thisisn'texactlyatoywehavetoshare."
"That'sprobablynotahalf-baddescription,"Bethsaidwryly."Wedoneedtolearntoshare.
OrmaybeIneedtolearn."
"We'llworkitout."Heclearedhisthroat."Whattime?"

THENIGHTWASCOOLER.InherdarkbedroomBethstoodatthewindowlookingoutatthefields.
Acloudcovermayberaintomorrowhidthemoon.Shecouldn'tseeanything.Still,shelettheairdrift
overherbodyuntilshefeltgoosebumpsrise.Thensheslippedintobed,pokingacatCalvin,she
decided,fromthesoundofthepurr-outofthewaywithonefool

Surelyshewouldsleepbettertonight.Shealmosthuggedherselfwithpleasurebecauseofhertalkwith
Nathan.Theyshouldhavedonethatlongago.She'dletherbeliefthathedidn'twantherrankle,had
resenteditforsomeabsurdreason.BecauseofRob,shesupposed;itwasasthoughRobhadreappeared
anddidn'twantheranymore.
EverythingwasbecauseofRob,includingherreawakenedsexuallongings.Butmaybethosewouldfade,
ifshecouldgettobefriendswithNathan.They'dmovepastanystirringsbetweenthem.Theywereaman
andawoman,soitwasconfusingtobethrustsomuchtogether,tobeboundthewaytheywouldhe
foreverbytheirchild.
Butshefeltoptimistictonight.He'dgotothedoctorwithhertomorrow,andshe'dfeelnothing
inappropriate.Shehadbeenselfish.
He,too,shouldhavethethrillofhearingtheirbaby'sheartbeat
SheclosedhereyesandpicturedhimNathan,notRob.Atannedstrongneck.Leanforearmswith
prominentveinsandtendonsandonlyalightdustingofhair.Thoughnotbulky,big-shouldered.Leaner
thanherhusband,shethought;Robhadthoughtrunningwasboring.
Immediatelysherealizedshewascomparingthemagain,standingonebesidetheother,huntingfor
differences.Tonightshewouldn'tdoit.
PictureNathanalone,shetoldherself.
Heavybrows,andeyesthatwerealittlehooded.Cheekbonestodiefor,andamouththatwasallthe
sexierforbeingratherunsmiling.
Bethfeltapangofguilt,becauseRobhadalwaysbeengrinningandteasingandflirting,butsheignoredit.
Nathan,sheremindedherself.NotRob.
Shortwavyhairhedidhisbesttosubdue.Steadyquieteyes.Emotionssuppressed,ghostsbehindthose
eyes,flickeringsometimesinacheekmuscle,butrarelyovert.Shetriedtoimaginehimangry,really
angry,orshoutingwithlaughterorAwaveofheatwashedthroughher."Oh,God,"shemoaned."What
amIdoing?"
Arousingherselfapparently.Forgettingtheyweregoingtobefriends.
Rememberingthegritinhisvoicewhenhe'dsaid,"Underothercircumstances,I'dhavegivenalottogo
uptoyourbedroomwithyou."
And,"You'reRob'swidow.Ifyouweren't..."
Ifshewasn't,she'dwanthim.Shedidwanthim.Sheadmittedthatmuchtoherself.Noquestion,no
hesitation.Heturnedheron.
Buthowmuchwasmemory,becauseherhusbandhadturnedheron,too,andhowmuchwasthepresent?
HowmuchwasNathan?
Shewasterriblyafraidthatsoonerorlatershe'dhavetofindout.
Buthow?
Asitturnedout,shedidn'tsleepbettertonight,notwithsuchthoughtstumblingaboutinherhead.Her
uneasewasn'timprovedbyhavingtolietoMandycomemorningaboutwhatshe'dbedoingwhileMandy
wentswimmingwithherfriendBarbara.
"Oh,justapileofpaperwork..."Shepretendedtothink."Imightruntothegrocerystore,soifyoucall
andcan'treachme,don'tworry."
Mandygazedatherwithoutblinkingforamomentthatstretchedalittletoolong,thengaveasmallnod.

"Okay."Shecockedherhead."Ihearacar.ThatmustbeBarbara'smom."
Don'tletitbeNathan,Bethprayed.Don'tlethimhavedecidedtocomeearly."Sunscreenlotion,"she
said."Ifyoustaylong,don'tforgettoputmoreon."
Herdaughtercurledherlip."Mom,I'mnotdumb."
AglanceoutthewindowreassuredBeththatthecarinfrontwasindeedBarbara'smother'sstation
wagon."No,you'rejustakid."MandyacceptedBeth'shugwithmoregracethanshesometimesdid.
"Kidsaredumb.Theydon'tgetsmartuntiltheyturntwenty-five."
Realindignationsoundedthistime."Mom!"
Shelaughed."Justkidding.Havefun."
NotuntilMandydartedoutthedoor,slammingitbehindher,didBethletoutasigh.HowwouldMandy
feelwhenshelearnedBethhadbeenhidingsomethingascentraltotheirlivesasapregnancy?Wouldshe
evertrustheragain?
Nathanshoweduppreciselyontime,whichsheshouldhaveexpected.Hewaswellaware,afterall,that
Mandywouldn'tknowwherehermotherwasgoingtoday.Bethhadofferedtomeethimatthedoctor's
office,buthe'dshakenhishead.
"I'dratherdriveyou.It'llgiveustimetotalk."She'dagreed;afterall,theyweregoingtobefriends,right?
Maybe,shethoughthopefully,therewassomethingtothesayingthatfamiliaritybreedscontempt.She'd
ratherfeelcontemptthanwhateveritwasshedidfeel.
Shecouldn'tquiteworkupanythingapproachingcontemptthismorning,however,notwithhimlookingas
goodashedidinfadedjeans,bootsandacream-colored,pearl-snappedcowboyshirt.Hepausedbeside
hiscarandgazedupatthehouse,thatbroodingfaceunreadable.Nordidhisexpressionchangewhenshe
cameoutontotheporch,thoughhenoddedandsaid,"Morning."
Bethfeltunaccountablyshy."Hi.I'mallset."
Hecamearoundandopenedhercardoor."Where'sMandy?"
"Swimmingwithafriend."
Hefrowned."She'stakenlessons?"
Touchedratherthanoffendedbyhisconcern,shesmiled."Yes.Shewon'tdrown."
Heslammedthedoor,camearoundandgotinbehindthewheel.Hereachedforthekeys,thenturnedto
lookather,instead."It'sjustthatshe'ssofrail"
"Iknow,"Bethsaidsoftly.
"You'rebetteratthisthanIam."
"No.Iworryallthetime."
Hesawinhereyesthatitwasthetruth,andhenodded.Amomentlaterhestartedtheengine.
Theydidn'ttalkaboutMandyagain,orlastnight'sconversation,ortheirdreams,oreventhebaby.She
wasgratefulwhenhesaid,"Lookslikewe'regettingabigorderfromasporting-goodschainback
East.We'regoingtohavetobumpupproduction."
Shecongratulatedhim,encouragedhimtotalk,evendiscussedsomemarketingeffortsofherown.Allthe
while,shecouldn'tseemtotearhereyesfromhishands.Atthemomenttheywerecompetentlywrapped
aroundthesteeringwheel.Everyonceina

while,astrafficslowedorspedup,he'dreachovertochangegears,nearlybrushingherthigh.
Hishandswerelarge,tanned,thenailsclippedshort.Puremaleintheirsizeandstrengthandbluntness,
theymadeherfeelsafe.
Startledbythethought,shewonderedwhereithadcomefrom.Safe?
Shewasn'texactlyindanger.Mandywas,butNathanMcCabecouldn'tsaveherwithbrutestrengthor
gentlenessordetermination.
Maybenot,butsomethinginthesightofhishandeverytimeheresteditonMandy'sthinshoulder
crampedBeth'sheart.Shecouldeasilypicturehimcradlingababyinthosehands,too,dwarfingthesmall
bodyevenasheprotectedit.He'dscarcelytouchedher,yetBethknewineveryfiberwhathishands
wouldfeellikeonher.
AndnotbecausesheknewRob'stouch.Hishadbeendifferent,shethought,lookingawayatlast,gazing
blindlyouthersidewindowasthecarcrossedtheEvergreenPointBridge.Robhadn'tbeenphysicalthe
wayhisbrotherwas.Hishandshadbeenthinner,bettercaredfor,thenailssmooth,hisfingertipsun-
callused.He'dhatedthehardlaborwhenshe'dcoaxedhimtohelptieupthelongwhippycanesofthe
raspberriesorplantrowsofstrawberries.Onlyunderthehoodofacarwashewillingtogetreallydirty
ortakeachanceofscrapingaknuckle.
Moredifferences.Shemightenduplikethemotheroftwinssheknewwho'dconfessedthathertwogirls
hardlylookedaliketoherandwasalwayssurprisedwhenothersconfusedthem.Bethwasprettysurethat
ifNathanandRobwerebothstandinginfrontofher,she'dknowonefromtheotherimmediately.Sowhy
washerdreamingmindsomuddled?
ShestartedtogiveNathandirectionstotheclinicbeforerememberingthathe'dbeenthere,andwhy.Ifhe
noticedherembarrassment,hedidn'tcomment.
Herdoctor'sofficewassituatedjustoffBroadwayonCapitolHillinSeattle.Itwasanareaoftrendy
shops,busysidewalksandscantparking.Fortunatelytheclinichaditsownsmalllot.Inside,themiddle-
agedreceptionist,Margaret,wassayinghellotoBethwhenhereyestraveledtoNathan.Theywidened
andshesuckedinabreath.
"Mr.McCabe?"shewhispered.
Oh,Lord.Dr.WilliamshaddeliveredMandy,andthereceptionisthadworkedherethen.She'dknown
Rob.Bethrecalledthatshewasn'therethedaythespermwasimplanted.Withoutknowingthe
circumstances,nowondershelookedsoshocked.
"Mybrother-in-law,"Bethsaidhastily."He'sMr.McCabe,too."
"Nathan."Heheldoutahand."Weweretwins."Margaretshookit,whileshepressedherotherhandto
herchest."I'mterriblysorry.IthoughtIwasseeingaghost!"
"Noproblem."Butthecreasebetweenhisbrowshaddeepened,andBethhadtheimpressionhewas
botheredbybeingmistakenevenmomentarilyforRob.
ThenursewhocalledBeth'snamewasnew,soshechattedundertheapparentimpressionthattheywere
marriedassheusheredthemin.ShecheckedBeth'sweightandbloodpressure."Justdandy!"she

chirpedbeforeleavingtheminanexaminingroomandpromisingthatDr.Williamswouldbeinshortly.
Bethwouldhavesworntheroomhadshrunksinceshewaslasthere.
Waitingalonewasonething;whocarediftherewasn'tspacetodoapirouette?Thestarkdecorandlack
ofwindowalwayshadherfeelingvaguelyclaustrophobic,butnothingliketoday.Todayshewantedto
bolt.Nathan'sshouldersseemedseveralincheswidereventhanusual;hetoweredoverherasshe
perchedontheendoftheexaminingtable.
Whatonearthhadpossessedhertoinvitehim?
Mayheherpanicshowedonherface,becauseheturnedabruptlyaway.
Shesensed,though,thathisreasonforretreatingwasinstantlyforgottenwhenhenoticedachartonthe
wallshowingthefetusatdifferentstages.
"Helookslikeababy,"hesaidsuddenly.
"He?Oh."Shetouchedherstomach."Youmeanours."
"Yeah.Thatpicturesaysthreemonths.That'swhatyouare,right?"
"Yes,"shetoldhisback.
"SomehowIdidn'tthink"Hestopped.
Shehadtoswallowtobolddownatideofemotion."It's...it'shardtobelieve,isn'tit?"
Heturnedtowardheragain.Shewantedtolaunchherselfintohisarms,cryafewtearsagainsthischest;
shedidn'tknowwhy.ShewasactuallyscootingforwardwhenthedoorswungopenandDr.Williams
hustledin.
"Sorrytokeepyouwaiting."HerdarkeyesstudiedNathan."Mr.McCabe,goodtomeetyou.I'mgladto
seeyouhere."
"Why?"heasked.
Anotherdoctormighthavebeentakenabackbyhisbluntquestion;Dr.Williamsjustraisedaneyebrow
andrepliedwithequalbluntness,"Becauseitbodeswellforyourinvolvementoncethebabyisborn."
Hismouthliftedinahalfsmile."I'llbethere."
"Good."ThedoctorturnedtoBeth."How'reyoufeeling?"
BethansweredtheusualquestionswhileshelaybackonthecrinklypaperandletDr.Williamslifther
shirt.Shehadaflashbacktotheinsemination,whenshehadstaredatthesameposterontheceilingand
imaginedthemanwhonowstoodonlyafewfeetaway,hiseyesfixedwithseemingfascinationonher
barebelly.
Thedoctor'shandsdeftlyprobed."Thefetusshouldheaboutthreeincheslongatthisstage,"shesaid.
"Weighingmaybeanounce.
Fingersandtoesallformed."Atwelve-weekfetusevenhasfingerprints.Ifwecouldlook,we'dseewhat
sexyourbabyis."
Nathanhadn'tmoved,juststared.Hedidn'tevenappeartonoticethatBethwaswatchinghim,notthe
doctor.
"Well,let'sfindthatheartbeat,"Dr.Williamsannounced,pullingherstethoscopefromaroundherneck.
Listeningintently,shepaused,movedthebell-shapeddiaphragmafewinchesonBeth'sabdomen,paused
again.Atlastshesmiled."Therewego.Steadyandbrisk.Mr.McCabe,wouldyoucaretohearyour
child'sheartbeat?"
"Yeah."Hisvoicewasgravelly,asBethwas

learningitalwayswaswhenhefeltapowerfulemotion."I'dcareto."
Hetookacoupleofstepsforwardandbenthisheadtoplacethetipsofthestethoscopeinhisears.He
wassocloseBethcouldseethebluntdarkfanofhislashesagainsthischeeks,aticatthecornerofhis
mouth,thewhorlsofhisearandthelinesbesidehiseyes.Hewentcompletelystill,notevenbreathing.
Atlastheliftedastunnedgaze."Incredible,"hemurmured.
"Itis,isn'tit?"Dr.Williamsmatter-of-factlytookthestethoscopefromhimandpulledBeth'sshirtdown
overhermidriff."Well,Beth,I'llseeyouinanothermonth.Lookslikethingsaregoingjustastheyshould
be.Yououghttofindthenauseadisappearinginthesenextfewweeks."
Shenodded."Itdidlasttime."
Fromthecornerofhereye,shesawNathanstepback.ThedoctorbreezedoutamomentlaterandBethsat
up.
"That'sit?"Nathanasked,voicestillhusky.
"Itoldyouitwasroutine."
"Maybeforyou.Notforme."
"Well...it'snotasifI'vebeenthroughthishalf-a-dozentimes."
Gladitwasover,sheretrievedherpurseandslippedbyhimwhenheheldopenthedoorforher.
Hewaitedwhileshemadeanotherappointment,
thensuggested,"Howaboutsomelunch?"
"Ishouldgethome...."
"Why?Mandy'snotduebackyet,isshe?"
"Well,no."
"Then."
Adate.Itfeltlikeafirstdate,andwiththefatherofherunbornbaby.Stopthis.Bethtoldherselfsharply.
Hewasbeingpolite.
Theyweresupposedtobecomefriends.
Nonetheless,whensheagreedwithacasual-sounding"Whynot?"shefeltreckless,alittleexcited.And
whenhishand,steeringheroutthedoor,touchedherlowerback,heatsettledbetweenherlegs.
Shecouldn'tregrethavingbeenmarriedtoRob,shethoughtdesperately.She'dlovedhim.They'dhad
goodyearstogether,andMandy.Shewashiswidow.Sohowcouldshebelettingherselffeelthesethings
forRob'sbrother?

CHAPTERSEVEN

"HAPPYBIRTHDAY,dearAmanda,"everyonesang,"happybirthdaytoyou!"
Mandy'stearsblurredthefacesaroundthetable;shehadtosniff.Thefivefriendsshe'dinvitedtoher
partygrinnedather.UncleNatewassnappingpictureswhileMom,who'dcarriedthecakefromthe
kitchen,stoodbeamingtooneside.
Gazingdownatthetwelveflickeringcandles,Mandytookadeepbreath,madeherwishandthenblew.
Everybodyclappedbecauseshe'dblownthemallout.Thatmeantherwishwouldcometrue,right?
Maybe.ThehopewaslikethewispsofsmokestillrisingfromthecandlesevenasMompulledthemfrom
thecake.Herwishesotheryearshadn'texactlycometrue,buttheyhadn'tnotcometrue,either.Shewas
alive,wasn'tshe?MaybeMomwasrightandthelastchemotherapyreallyhadmadeherbetter.Maybethe
baby.Shewouldn'tletherselfthinkaboutthat."Bigpiece?"Momaskedher.Sheheldtheknifepoised
abovethelemonyellowcake.
"Yeah,andIwantlotsoficecream,"Mandysaid.UncleNateputdownthecameraandstartedscooping
vanillaicecreamontotheplatesasMomhandedthemtohim.ForasecondhelookedjustlikeDad.Well,
sheguessedhealwayslookedlikeDad,butjustnotquiteasmuchasnow,oratleastshewasn'tawareof
it.Butshe'dsatinthissamechairherlastbirthdaythatDadwasalivehereighth,shedecided,counting
back.Shesquinteduntiltoday'spartyalmostblendedintotheonesheremembered,whenDadhadteased
herfriendsandslappedbighelpingsoficecreamontotheirslicesofcake.Pinkcake;she'dbeenreally
intoprincessesandfairiesandstufflikethatthen.Kidstuff.KaylaandAprilandSamanthahadbeenat
thatparty,too,shewasprettysure.They'dbeenfriendsalongtime.
Byherninthbirthday,DadwasdeadandMandywasinthehospital.ThedoctorshadletMombringa
cakein,andthey'dallgatheredaroundandsung"HappyBirthday"toher.Heronlyfriendtherewas
Jessica,inthenextbed.Shehadapieceofbirthdaycake,too.
Mandyshookawaythememories.Shewouldn'tthinkaboutJessica,nottoday.Thiswasherbirthday,for
Pete'ssake!Shewascelebrating.
Nowshewasateenager.Well,almostateenager.
UncleNateleftafterhe'dhadapieceofcake.Shegavehimahardsqueezearoundthewaistand
whispered,"Thankyou."HispresenthadbeenticketstoaBroadwaymusicalcomingtotheFifthAvenue
TheatreinSeattle.Fourtickets,soshecouldtakeafriendandMomcouldcome,too.
Hegaveherabigsmileandsaid,"Happybirthday,kiddo."
Sheandherfriendsspreadtheirsleepingbagsonblown-upairmattressesinfrontoftheTVinthefamily
room.She'dchosentwomovies,whichhappenedtohavecuteboysinthem.Thegirlswhisperedand

giggled,andlaterMombroughtthempopcornandsoda.
Atfirst,afterthelightswentoff,theytalkedaboutstartingmiddleschoolandwhatitwouldbeliketo
havesomanydifferentteachersandclassroomsandwhethertheeighth-gradeboyswouldbeanymore
grown-upthantheonestheirownagethatthey'dbeenstuckwithforever.
Itwaslater,whenthewhispersweregettingfurtherapart,thatBarbara'svoicecamesoftlytoMandy.
"You'renotsickanymore,right?"
Mandyhadn'ttoldherfriendsthatherleukemiawasincurablewithoutthetransplant."Iguessnot,"she
said,tryingtosoundcareless."Imightstillhavethatbone-marrowtransplant,ifthedoctorscaneverfind
anyonewhosebloodmatchesmine."
"Why?"Kaylaasked.
Mandygavetheeasiestanswer."Justtobesure."
"Oh,"anothergirlmurmured.
IntothesilenceMandysaid,"Doyoueverthinkaboutdying?Imean,justnotbeinghere?Likenotever
turningthirteen?"
Ananswerwasalongtimecoming.FinallyAprilsaidsleepily,"Idon'tliketothinkaboutit.That'dmean
I'dneverbeabletodate,ordriveacar,orkissaboy,or..."
Barbarafloppedoverontoherstomach."Idon'twanttokissaboy.Ifanyoneeverkissedme,it'd
probablybesomebodylikeBrianRobb."
Theyallsquealed.Brianwasthistotalnerd.Hepracticallyfelloverhisfeethewassobigandclumsy.
Mandyguessedbewasn'tdumboranything,buthealwaystriedtobefunnyandhewasn't.Besides,hehad
biglips.Sheshuddered.
Somehowtheothergirlsweretalkingaboutboysagainandespeciallyaboutkissing.Deathwasn'trealto
them,notthewayitwastoher.
Theydidn'tknowabouttheplaquesliningthehallwayatChildren'sHospital,eachwiththenameofa
childwho'ddied.Shecouldn'ttalktoanyofthem,anymorethanshecouldtoMom.
Jessicapoppedintohermindagainandsheknewwhy.OnenightinthehospitalJessicahadwhisperedto
Mandy,"IusedtosayIneverwantedtoget."
"They'regross,aren'tthey?"Mandyhadagreed.She'donlybeeneightyearsoldthen;shecouldn'timagine
wantingblobsbobbingupanddownonherchestwhensheranorjumped.
AfteralongpauseJessicasaidinalowvoice,"Yeah,butIreally,reallydidn'twantthem.IthinkIwas
tryingtogiveGodanorder."
"Ibethedoesn'ttakethatkindoforder."Mandyfrowned,staringatthelightshowingunderthedoor."Or
maybeanykindoforder."
Jessicawassilentalongtime.Shesoundedfunny,kindofchokedup,whenshewhispered,"Ihopenot."
Ihopenot?IttookMandyasecondtorealizewhatJessicawasafraidof.Shewasafraidshe'dwishedso
hardnottogetbreastsGodwasgivingherthatwish.TheonlywayHecouldkeepherfromgettingthe
breastswasnottolethergrowup.
"Ibetlotsofgirlswishtheywouldn'tgetbreasts,"

she'dtoldJessica."Goddoesn'tpayanyattentiontodumblittlekidwisheslikethat."
Jessicahadn'tsaidanythingelse.Mandy'dalmostforgottentheconversation.Ithadcomebacktoherone
daynotverylongagowhenshe'dbeenstaringathernakedbodyinthemirrorafterhershower.
Shewasgettinghairandboobsandeverything.Itpartlywasgrossandpartlykindofexciting.Lifehadto
bemoreexcitingwhenyougottobearealteenager.Andshewantedtogrowup.Shedidn'tjustassume
shewould,likemostkidsprobablydid.Shewanteditwithanactivepassionatehungerthatbeatalong
withherheart.ShewishedJessicahadmadeittobeingtwelveyearsold,too.Thatshe'dgottenbreasts,
soshecouldseethatGodwouldn'tbesocruel.
Only,Hehadbeen,becauseJessicadidn'tgettogrowup.WhatMandydidn'tunderstandwaswhy.Why
Jessica?Whydidsomeofthekidsleavethehospitalandneverlookback?Whywasshestillalive?
ShewishedsheknewiftherewasaGodatall."Jessica,"shewhispered,butnobodyanswered.Her
friendswereasleep,andJessicaneverhadansweredonceshewasgone.

"Cool!Wenevertothezoo,"Mandyexclaimedinsatisfaction.
"Nowthat'snottrue,"Bethprotested."Wejusthaven'tcomethissummer."Orlastsummer,she
remembered;Mandyhadbeentoosick.
Nathaneasedthecarintoaslotinthezooparkinglotandturnedofftheengine."Ihaven'tbeentoazooin
years."
"They'vechanged,"Bethtoldhim."Theanimalsaren'tinlittlecageslookingmiserableanymore.Wait'll
youseethelionenclosureandtheelephants.Oh,andthewolves."
"Iliketheprairiedogs,"Mandycontributed,alreadyoutofthecar.
Indefianceofhermother'sinsistencethatshewearahattokeepfromgettingsunburned,herbaseballcap
wasonbackward.Shelookedboyishandganglyandcute.
Bethdecidednottomakeanissueofthehatfornow.Afterall,herdaughter,likeherself,wasslathered
withsunscreen.Andshehadtobeprotectiveaboutsomethings.Itwasjusthardknowingwhentoquit.
Theypaidandentered.Mandystoppedimmediately."CanIclimbthetree?"
Otherkidsalreadywere.Thehugefirspreaditswideancientbranchesparalleltotheground.Atoddler
bounceddelightedlyononethickbranchcrying,"Giddyup,giddyap!"whileherfathersupportedher.
Boysdaredeachothertogohigher.
Nathansaid,"Sure.Wantaboost?"
Bethopenedhermouthautomaticallytoargue,thenshutit.RightnowMandywasaswellasshemight
everbe.Noreasonshecouldn'tclimbatree.
Bethreachedoutandtouchedabranch,thebarkwornsmoothbythescrapeofcountlessjeansandtennis
shoes.HelpedupbyheruncleNate,Mandyclamberedgingerlyaround,hersmileasjoyousasthe
toddler.Suddenlyshejumped,hittingthegroundhardandfallingtoherhandsandknees.
Bethgasped,butMandyhoppedupandsaid,"Comeon.Iwanttoseethegiraffes."

TheywanderedfromtheAfricansafari,wheregiraffes,antelopesandzebrasgrazedtogether,totheglass-
frontedenclosurewherelionssunnedthemselvesonrocksonlyfeetaway.Onelionessprowledatthe
edgeofapool,hereyesonsomethingbeneaththewater'ssurface.ShemovedmuchlikeCalvinandPolly,
withthatbonelessgrace,yeteachenormouspawwasbiggerthaneitherkitten'swholebody.
MandyreachedoutandsqueezedBeth'shand.BethfeltNathanstandingbehindher,soclosehiswarmth
enfoldedher.Ittookherback,thistableau.
Family.SheandRobandMandyusedtocometotheWoodlandParkZoothreeorfourtimesayear,
sometimeseveninthewinter,andwanderedjustlikethis.ComingherewasneverRob'sidea.He'd
alwaysgroanandsay,"Butwewerejustthere!"ButifsheandMandydecidedtogoalone,he'dbe
waitingatthecar,andonceherehe'dalwaysbestandingjustbehindherorboostingMandyontohis
shoulderssoshecouldseebetter.
"Look!"Mandycriednow.
Beth'sattentionreturnedabruptlytothelioness.Shecaughttheanimalinmidleapthenwatchedasithit
thewaterwithahugesplash.
Asquickly,thelionessvaultedbackontothebank,alargefishfloppinginhergreatjaws.Thelioness
gaveherheadashake,thefishwentstill,andshecrouchedwithherbacktotheglasstodevourherprey.
Mandychatteredexcitedlyaboutthesuccessfulhuntevenastheymovedontoseetheottersandthe
mountaingoats,theelkandtimberwolves.
AsBethstrolledacrossthegrass,shewatchedMandyandNathanupahead.Herdaughter'scapwasstill
onbackward,herlegslongandskinnybeneathhercutoffs.Besideher,Nathanworefadeddenimjeans
andadarkgreenT-shirtthatemphasizedthebreadthofhisshoulders.
Darkglassespartlymaskedhisexpressions.
Theyreachedtheenclosurewiththewallaroos,andheandMandyproppedtheirelbowsonthelowfence.
Hethrewbackhisheadandlaughedatsomethingshesaid,theflashofteethawakeninghisguardedface
toacharmthatmatchedRob's.MaybethatwaswhyBethfelttheoddlurchinthevicinityofherheart.
Ormaybenot,sheadmittedwithaprivatesigh.Thesightofhimhadbeengivingherpleasureallmorning;
hemovedwithagraceascontainedasthebigcats',assureandevenarrogant.Sheimaginedhiminthe
mountains,heftingaheavypackeasilyorfeelinghiswaysurefootedlyuparockface.Shewas
agonizinglyconsciousoftheplayofmusclesandtendonswhenheliftedahandtosnatchoffMandy'shat
andruffleherhair.AplayofmusclesandtendonssolikeRob's.
Orwasit?
Sheshookherhead,annoyedatherconfusion.Atfirst,she'dseenNathanasareflectionofherhusband,a
shadow.Whenheliftedaneyebrow,she'dseeRobdoingthesame,Nowshe'dfindherselfthinking,Rob
didthat,andthenwasn'tpositivehehad.Maybeshe'dseenthesameexpressiononNathan'sfacebefore
andwasmixingthatupwithhermemoriesofherhusband.
Shereachedthem,andtheybothturnednaturallytoincludeher.
"Slowpoke,"Nathanteased.When

Mandyhurriedinsidetoseethewallaroosmoreclosely,heloweredhisvoice."Feelokay?"
"Yep.ExceptI'mashungryasthation."
"Youwantsushi,too?"
Shemadeafaceathim,herdarkmoodvanishing."Ahotdogwilldoverynicely,thankyou.Andasnow
cone.Isawsomeonewithone."
Hissmilethistimewaslazyandmorethancharming.Sexy."You'reacheapdate."
"We'llmakeyoutakeussomeplacereallyexpensivefordinnerbeforethatFifthAvenuemusical,"she
promised,feelingsuddenlylighthearted."I'llshowyouhowcheapIam."
Ascasuallyasthoughhediditeveryday,Nathanlaidanarmacrosshershoulders."Isthatathreat?"
Shecaughtascentofpuremale,felttheweightofhisarm,theheatofhisbody.Hervoicesoundedalittle
huskytoherears."Dependsonhowprosperousyou'refeeling."
"I'veneverhadafamilytospendmoneyonbefore.YouknowI'dbewillingtohelpwitheveryday
expenses."
Shewasbothtouchedandmadeuneasy.He'dinsertedhimselfsodeftly,sorelentlessly,intotheirlives
shecouldscarcelyturnaroundanymorewithoutfindinghimthere,orsomereminderofhim.Whatifshe
decidedshedidn'twanthimaroundallthetime?Whatiftheseconfusingfeelingsreallybegantofrighten
her?Howwouldshesay,Goaway?HowwouldshekeepMandyfrombeinghurt?
Hemusthavefeltherstiffen,becausehisarmdroppedandhegaveheranunreadablelookbeforemoving
aheadtorejoinMandy.Bethwasannoyedwithherselftorealizeshefeltbereft,evenalittlejealousagain
ofMandy'seasyrelationshipwithhim.Andhiswithher.BethwonderedwhetherMandy,too,wasseeing
herfatherinhim.Didsheevergetatallconfused,ordidshe,becauseofherage,justnotrememberRob
aswellashermotherdid?
"Iseeaconcessionstand,"Nathansaid."Howaboutifweeatintheshadeofthattree?"Hepointed.
"Yeah,andthenwecangointhenocturnalhouse,"Mandyrepliedeagerly."Thesnakesareinthere,too."
"Andthecockroaches."Bethshuddered.
"Theyhaveadisplayofcockroaches?"Nathansoundedincredulous.
"Behindglass."Shecouldn'thelpanothershudder."Heapsandheapsofthem.Hugeones.Theygiveme
thecreeps.I'lltakearattlesnakeanyday."
"I'mnottoocrazyaboutsnakes,"heconfessed.
"I,uh,hikereluctantlyinrattlesnakecountry."
AcraftylookcrossedMandy'sface.
"No,"Bethtoldher."Don'teventhinkit."
Nathanturned."Thinkwhat?"
"Mo-om.Iwouldn'tdosomethinglikethat."
"Likewhat?"heaskedagain.
Bethignoredhim."Ifyouhadn'tbeenthinkingit,AmandaMcCabe,youwouldn'tknowwhatI'mtalking
about."
"Iwouldn'thavereallyscaredhim,"Mandysaidsulkily.
"Youhaveasnake,"hesaid.
"Justapretendone."
"Andit'sextraordinarilyrealistic,"Bethsaidseverely."ThischarmingchildputitinthevatwhereImake
jam,outinthebarn.Ijustabouthadaheartattack."
"I'dhavehadone."Heproceededtopokefunathimselfashetoldastoryaboutmeetinganenormous
rattlesnakeonatrailinBajaCalifornia."Acliffgoingupononeside,droppingintotheoceanonthe
other,"Nathansaid."Nowayaround.Hewasallcoiledup,histailrattling."

"Maybeitwashertail,"Bethsaid.
"Nastyasitsounded,you'reprobablyright,"heagreed,thengrinnedasshepokedhim.
Theytooktheirhotdogsandpoptoashadyspotandsprawledonthegrass,Nathanonhisside,head
proppedonhishand.Beth'sgazekeptwanderingdownhisbodytoplaceswherehisjeanswere
especiallyworn,andshehadtorepeatedlyyankherselfin.Damnit,shewishedhe'dsitup,notionthere
likeamanlazilylyingonhisbedwatchingawomanundress.
Sheswallowedhard.Wherehadthatcomefrom?Allhewasdoingwasrelaxingandtellingastory.
Aboutsnakes.
"Iwaitedallafternoon,"hetoldthem."OnceItriedpokingitwithastick,butallitdidwascoilfighter
andrattleuntilitsoundedlikeatornadowhippingthesagebrush.SoIjustmoseyedbackalittle,gave
himher-plentyofspace,butitjustkeptthosecoldeyesfixedonme."
Herowneyeswide,Mandyleanedforward."Sowhat'dyoudo?"
"Retracedmysteps,walkedacoupleofmilesacrossroughcountryuntilIhitaroadandhitchedafide
withatruckloadofMexicanlaborers."
Amused,Bethasked,"Anddidyouadmittothemwhyyouwereontheroadwithyourthumbout?"
Therewasthatsmileagain,theonethatsentashiverdownherspine.
"Youkidding?Iimplied,inmylimitedSpanish,thatabandithadheldmeup.EventhoughI'dbeenlucky
enoughtogetaway,Ifiguredhe'dbewaitingformedownthetrail."
Hisstoryended,Mandybegancrumblingherbunandfeedingthebirdswaitingforhandouts.Nathan
rolledontohisbackandclosedhiseyes.
ContentedlyBethwatchedherdaughter.Mandylookedashappyasshe'deverseenher.
Inpartthatwasbecauseofthemanwhosebreathsslowedanddeepenedevenasthetensionlefthisface.
Hisforearmswereleanandbrown;hisfingersweresplayedonhisflatbelly.Bethletherselflookher
fill,fromhisstrongbrownnecktohiscrossedanklesandthewornrunningshoesonhis'size-elevenfeet.
Shewasamusedandintriguedbytheshoes.Nathanranasporting-goodsmanufacturingcompany;
shouldn'thealwayswearthelatestinhigh-tech,gel-filledrunningshoes,spandexandbreathable
PolarTec?
Hisbusinesssuitslookedwellmadeandprettysharp,butmostoftheclothesshe'dseenhiminappeared
tobeoldfriends,farfromthecuttingedgeofsportingapparel.
Shewasglad.Asuninterestedasshewasinfashion,shewouldn'thavefeltcomfortablewithamanwho
blow-driedhishairandshowedoffsculptedthighmusclesinshinyspandex.Shefoundmorethanenough
toenjoyinthewaythefadeddenimhuggedhisnarrowhipsandlonglegs.
Bethwanted,withafiercenessthatshookher,to

sitastridehiships.Shewantedhimtorolloverandpinherdown,takeoffthosedarkglassessoshecould
seetheintensityinhiseyes.
Shewantedthatbighandonherbreast,thatgrimmouthtocapturehera.Shewanted
Withanearphysicalwrench,sheclosedhereyesandavertedherface.
Whyhim?shewonderedindespair.Whynotoneoftheothermenwho,inthepastcoupleofyears,had
suggesteddinnerordancingorashow?
Whytheonemanforwhomheremotionswouldinevitablybesocomplicated?
Damnyou,Rob,whydidyouhavetodie?Shestruggledtopictureherhusband.Amomentofpassion,
tenderness,thekindofintensitywithwhichNathanwouldmakelovetoawoman.ShesawRobbending
hishead,buthewaslaughing;teasing,coaxing.Allshecouldrememberwaslightheartedlovemaking.
Hadheeverslammedintoher,hisemotionsraw?Hadheevercompletelylostcontrol?Hadsheever
wantedhimto?
Whywasshewonderingnowwhyshehadn'tfeltahone-deepneedtoseehimutterlyvulnerabletoher
alone?
Hermemoryhadtobefaulty.She'dlovedRob.Shewashappywithhim.
She'denjoyedhistouch,histeasing,thewayhemadeeverythingfun.
Shemusthaveseenstarkemotiononhisface,heardachingneedinhisvoice.Shewasjustforgetting,
whichgaveherapanickysensethatshehadtoscrabbleforeverythingshedidremember,clutchittightor
elseit,too,wouldbegone.
ThathadtobetheneedthatdrewhertoRob'sbrother.Justbesmart,Bethtoldherself.Nowyou
recognizethesefeelingsforwhattheyare,youcanignorethem.They'llgoaway.
Sheopenedhereyes,facedhim.Hehadrolledontohissideagain,hisheadproppedonhiselbow,and
waswatchingher.
Shesaidthefirstthingthatcametomind."Rob..."Hervoicedied.
Hismouthhardened."I'mnotRob."
"Iknow.Ididn'tmean..."
"Whatdidyoumean?"
Bethhadnoidea."Idon'tknow,"sheadmitted."Iwas...thinkingabouthim."
Hegruntedandrosefluidlytohisfeet."IsupposeIsteppedintohisshoestoday."
"No."Lessgracefullyshescrambledup."No,it'snotthesameatall.I...I'vebeendoingalotofthinking
lately.Maybebecause..."
Mandywascomingtowardthem,soBethmadeaquickgesturetowardherbelly.
"Justdon'tconfuseus."
Thegritinhisvoiceremindedherofhowbitterlythebrothershadoncequarreled.She'dgiveagreatdeal
toknowwhatthey'dfoughtabout.Sheknewbetterthantoaskrightnow.
"Look,they'regivingponyrides,"Mandysaid,bouncingonhertoeswhenshereachedthem."IwishI
weren'ttoobig."
"I'dforgottenhowmuchyoulovedthem."Bethdidn'tlooktowardNathan."Doyourememberthe
neighborwhohadahorse?Theywerealwaysofferingyourides,butyouwerescaredtobesohighoffthe
ground.Theponiesherearesuchminiatureones."
"ItembarrassedDadwhenIgotseared,"Mandy

blurted.Hereyeswidened,asthoughthememorytookherbysurprise."Iguess...Iguesshewassobrave
hewantedmetobe,too."
"Reckless,youmean,"Bethmuttered."Itwassomekindofmachothing.I'mgladhedidn'tinfectyouwith
it."
"Cangirlsbemacho?"herdaughterasked.
"Damright!Somewomenseemdeterminedtobeasstupidasmen."
TheclearingofamasculinethroatremindedherofNathan'spresence.
"Presentcompanyexcepted,"Bethadded,flushingalittle.
"Thankyou,"hesaiddryly."But,Mandy,letmetellyousomethingI'verealizedrecently.Yourdadwas
likethatbecauseourmotherpushedustobecompetitive.Wealwayshadtodoeverythingbetterthan
everybodyelse,faster.Wehadtowin.Shedidn'twanttohearexcuses.Weweren'tallowedtocry.So,
yeah,womencanbelikethat.
Anditwasn'tyourdad'sfaulthewas."
Mandy'sgazewasgrave."Butyou'renot."
"Yeah."Amuscleinhisjawworked."Yeah,Iam.Justinadifferentway.Idon'tspeedbehindthewheel
ofacar.Instead,I'vebeenaworkaholicpastfifteenyears.Successwasmoreimportantthananything.
And,uh"hemovedhisshouldersuneasily"yourdadandIwouldn'thavestayedmadateachotherso
longifwewerenotbothstubborn.Ifhe'dadmittedhewaswrong,orifIhad,thatwouldhavemeant
losing.Neitherofuscoulddothat."
Mandy'sbrowovasodbeneaththebackwardbaseballcap."But"Shestopped.
"Yeah.Itwasstupidashell,wasn'tit?"
"Ithinkitwassad,"shetoldhim.
Hegrimaced."Justremember,youneverembarrassedyourdad.Notreally.Hewasn'tthatbiganidiot.I'll
betyouwerethesunandmoontohim."
"HesaidIwashisprincess."
Nathansmiledcrookedly."Samething."
"Hasanybodyeverbeenyoursunandmoon?"sheaskedartlessly.
Hewassilentforamomentastheywalked,hisfaceclosed."Oh,atimeortwoIthoughtawomanwas,"
hefinallysaid."Therewasagirlincollege."Thememorydidn'tseemtobeahappyone."AndIwas
marriedsomeyearsago.Notforlong.Juliannegottiredofmyscheduleandmy"Hebrokeoffabruptly.
"Didyoucallherdarling?"Mandyaskednext.She'dbeenlisteningavidly."Or...orbabyorsweetie?"
"Mandy!"Bethgaveherdaughteraquellinglook.
"It'sokay."NathangrinnedatMandy."Maybeaman'llcallyou'nosybabe'someday."
Unrepentant,shemadeaface."NobodytellsmeanythingifIdon'task."
"Trueenough.Okay.IseemtorecallreferringtomywifeasJewel.That'sasromanticasIgot."
"That'snotbad,"Mandytoldhimkindly.
Histonewasdry."Thankyou."
"DaddycalledMom"
"Don'tyoudare,"Bothinterrupted.
"Berrypie,"herindiscreetdaughtercontinuedblithely."Heusedtocallhersugarpie,butthenaftershe
startedmakingjam,hechangedit."

BethpokedMandywithherelbow."Itwasajoke.Hedidn'tcallmethat.."
"...atmoreromanticmoments?"Nathansuggestedwhenshedidn'tfinish.
Sheflushed.
"ShallweletyourMomoffthehook?"heaskedMandy.
"Oroutofthepie!"ShegiggledhystericallyandscamperedaheadwhenBethmadealungeforher.
Nathansaidquietly,"You'renotupsetwithher,areyou?"
Bethassumedanairofdignity."I'dputupwithanyhumiliationtoseeherlaughlikethat."
"Good."Thesmilehegaveherwaswarm,friendly,uncomplicated.Hereachedoutandtookherhand.
"Let'sgoseethegorillas."
Sweetnesspiercedheratthefeelofthatbighandenvelopinghers,tuggingheralong.Ifonlyhisgesture
weremorethanfriendlyNoSheclampeddownonthethought.ThankGodhisgesturewasonlyfriendly.
BecauseifNathaneverlaidahandonherinpassion,shehadnoideahowshewouldreact.

CHAPTEREIGHT

Nobodyhadcomeinresponsetothedoorbell.Nathanliftedhishandandknockedfirmly.Mandymustbe
home;he'dpassedtheschoolbusoutontheroad.
Theknockechoed.Herepeatedit.Stillnoonecame.Hisanticipationseepingintodisappointment,
Nathanturnedandsurveyedthefields,astidyaswhenhe'dfirstseenthemlastspring.Theraspberries
hadalreadybeenprunedandtiedup.He'dhelpedwiththejob,whichhadprovedsimpleenough,but
damnedunpleasant.Thisyear'scanes,dryingup,hadtobeunwoundfromthewiresupportsandcutoffat
thebase,thenhauledinbundlestoalowspotbehindthebarnwhereBethletthemcompost.Ithadbeen
hotandairlessbetweentherowswhenhecrouchedtosnipcanes.Sweatingmorethanhedidinaten-K
race,hecouldn'tbeartowearalong-sleevedshirt,whichmeanthe'dendedupwithscratchesalloverhis
forearms.
Heloosenedhistie.MaybeBethandMandywereinthebarn.Hecrossedtheyardandenteredthe
shadowystuffyinteriorthroughthehalf-opendoor.Arustlecamefromaheapofstrawtooneside,which
Bethusedformulching.Pollywasflingingaroundanalreadydeadmouseandthenpouncingonitagain.
She

snatcheditupandutteredasmallgrowlwhenshesawhimlooking.
"It'sallyours,"hetoldher.Heraisedhisvoice."Anyonehere?"
Silence.Hefoundthekitchendimandstill,everythingspotlesslyclean.Thebackofthebarnwaslined
withrowsofshelvingunits,filledtonearcapacitynowwiththesummer'sbounty.Someofthejarswere
boxed,othersstillsingle,thedistinctiveshapeandthelabelstooclassyfortheconcretefloorandopen
raftersandscentofhayandlong-agedmanure.
Well,hell.He'dmadeatripoutherefornothing.Heshouldhavecalled.He'dcomeonimpulseafter
flyingintoSea-TacAirport.He'dbeenawayforalmostaweekonbusiness,thelongesthe'dgonewithout
seeingBethandMandysincethePI.hadfoundhim.Ontheroadhe'dcaughthimselfthinkingaboutthem
allthetime,wonderingwhattheyweredoingthatminute,howMandylikedmiddleschoolnowthatthe
firstweek'sexcitementhadwornoff,whetherBetheverthoughtabouthim.Atnightespecially,tryingto
sleepinhotelbeds,hepicturedhercurledupinhers,hairtousled,barearmsandshouldersgoldenfrom
thesun,herwindowflungwidetoletinthequietsoundsofnightinthecountry.Sometimeshis
imaginationlefthimmorerestless;othertimesitsoothedhimtosleep,asthoughhe'dhadtoseethem
vividlytobesureBethandMandywouldstillbethere,waitingwhenhegothome.
Whenhe'dpulledin,he'dhalfexpectedthefrontdoortocrashopenandMandytopeltdowntheporch
stepstoflingherselfintohisarms.
Bethwouldbeclosebehind,shylywelcoming.Right.
Homefromwork,circa1950s,hetoldhimselfdryly.NormanRockwell.
Only,hewasn'tthefather.Thiswasn'thishome.
Evenifitfeltlikeit.
Nathanwanderedoutofthebarn,thenonimpulsewentaroundtotheback.Fromhereadirttrackled
downtothecreek.Mandyhaddraggedhimdownthereonce.Atthistimeofyear,thewatermustbelow,
maybeonlydeepenoughforwading.Betweenblueberrybusheswhoseleaveswereturningyellow,he
caughtaglimpseofgreencoolness:asparkleofwater,alderleavesflashinggreen-silverinafaint
breeze,lushtangledgrass.Andsomethingelse:aredshirt,ashimmerofpalegoldhair.Beth.
Nathanmovedwithoutthinking,eachstepkickingupapuffofdust.Ahotsummerhadstretchedintoadry
autumn.Schoolhadstartedtwoweeksago.Onthetreesalongtheroad,leaveswereturningcoloralready.
They'dbefalling,brittleandbrown,innotime.
Hedidn'tcalloutagreeting.Mandywouldprobablyseehimcoming,anyway.Ifnot,hewouldn'tminda
momenttosavorthesightofBethbeforeshespottedhim.Maybethatmadehimavoyeur,butwhatthe
hell.Heseldomsawhercompletelyrelaxed,unguarded.Hemadeherwary,justasshemadehim.
Bethstoodinthemiddleofthecreek.Sheworekhakishorts,rolledupseveraltimesandjustshowing
beneathasackyredT-shirt.Thewaterrippledaroundhercalves.Herlegs,slimandtanned,seemedtogo
onforever.Thatwasaboutallhecouldseeofher.Herbackwastohim,herheadbowelasshestared

downintothewaterwithgreatconcentration,likeachildhuntingforpollywogs.
"Hi,"hesaidatlast,huskily.
Shewhirledandslipped,justcatchingherselffromfalling.Hermouthtrembled,andeithershe'dsplashed
herselfintheface,orshewasonthevergeoftears.Tears,Nathandecided,seeingthestraininherwide
grayeyes.
"You...youscaredme."
"I'msorry.Iknockedand,uh,nobodycame,andthenIsawaflashofreddownhere."Hefeltasthoughhe
werewalkingonloosetalus,thebouldersrockingunderhisfeet.They'dmadeprogress,he'dhavesworn
theyhad,andyetnowsheradiateddistressatthesightofhim.
"It's...it'sokay."Shehuggedherself."I,um,Iwasjustthinking.Prettyhard,Iguess.Ishould'veheardyou
coming."
Notforthefirsttime,hewishedshehadadog,insteadoftwohalf-growncats.WithherandMandyhere
alone."Where'sMandy?"heasked,lookingaround.
"Oh"Beth'ssmilewasforced"shewenttoafriend'splace.Barbara's.Barbarajustgotapuppy.
Mandy'llbehomebyfive.Icanhavehercallyou."
Nathannodded.
"Didyouhaveagoodtrip?"
So,she'dnoticedhewasgone.Butshewasn'tsuggestinghestayfordinner.
"Yeah,"besaidquietly.No,hewantedtotellher,Iwashomesick.
Henoddedtowardasortofpoolwherethewaterwasdeeper."Wereyougoingswimming.""
Shebentoverandtrailedherfingersintheripples.Thecurveofherneckandcheekmovedhimalmost
unbearably."Idon'tknow."Thissmilewasn'tanybetter."It'shotinthehouse.Ijustthought...Icome
downheresometimes.It'ssortofMandy'splace.Shedoesn'tknowIuseit,too."
"Thecreek?"
"Andunderthewillow.Inthere,Ifeel...enfoldedbythetree.Didsheshowyou?"
"No.Thecreekwashigher,andIwasdressedaboutlikeIamtoday."
Hehadthesenseshewasreallylookingathimforthefirsttime.
"You'reastick-in-the-mud.Whydon'tyoutakeoffyourshoesandcomein?"
Whatthehell.Hesatdownonthegrassandun-lacedhisdressshoes,pulledoffhissocks,startedrolling
uphisslacks.KnowingBethwaswatchinghimwasenoughtomakehisfingersfumble.
"Allright."Hewriggledhistoesinthegrass,thenstood."Readyornot."
"Not."Shesaiditsosoftlyheknewhewasn'tmeanttohear.
Hedidn'thavetohearit.He'dalreadyknown.Nonetheless,hesteppedintothechillwaterandwaded
gingerlytowardher.Hehadn'trolledhispantsupfarenough.Theywerealreadywet.
Whenhewasanarm'sreachfromher,Nathansaidquietly,"Mandy'snotsick,isshe?"
"No."Sheputupahandandpushedatherhair,tumblingasalwaysfromthegiantcliponthebackofher
head."Nothing'swrong.Notreally."
"Notreally?"
Bethsuckedinabreath,closedhereyes.Herlashes

sparkledlikeraysofsunlight,andherealizedtearstrembledonthem.
"Idon'tknowwhat'swrongwithme,"shewhispered."I'mstrong.I'vealwaysbeenstrong."Herlashes
abruptlysweptupward,andshestaredfiercelyathim."I'vestartedabusinessanddoneadamngood
job.RobdiedandIdidn'tfallapart.MandygotsickandIcoped.I'vedonejustfine!Sowhatisitnow?
WhydoIkeepcrying?"
"Hormones"
"It'snothormones!"shesnapped."It's...it'syou!"
Hisbrowsdrewtogether."Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?"
"You'dmakeiteasyformetobeweak,wouldn'tyou?You'dofferyourstrongshoulder,takecareof
Mandy,probablyrunmybusiness.Well,I'don'tlikeit!"
Shemightaswellhavesluggedhiminthestomach.Numblyhesaid,"Youdon'twantmehereatall."
"Ididn'tsaythat!"Hereyesglitteredupathim.
"Thenwhatdidyousay?"Feelingsick,hehungontoaneventonebyhistingemails
Herfaceworked."I'mjust...I'mafraidsometimes."
"Ofme."Heranahandoverhisface."God."
"No."Bethscrubbedherowncheeks."Ididn'tmeanit."
"Didn'tyou?"
Beneaththetanandthesprinklingoffreckles,herfacewaspale."I'mafraidofmyself."
Hesworesoftly."Becauseyouwanttoleanyourheadonmyshoulder."
Shegaveaquicknod.
Histhroatdamnnearclosed."I'mhere."
"Yes.Iknow."Shedidn'tmove.
Hedidn'tdare.Couldonlywaitherout.
"Thismorning..."Beth'svoicefiltered."Iwasgettingdressed.Mandywalkedinonme."
Whatthehell.Thenheunderstood."You'restartingtoshow."
Wordlesslysheliftedhershirt.Shehadn'tbeenabletogethershortszippedallthewayuporbuttoned.
Thegentleswellofpalebellywasanotherkickinhisgut.
"She...shelookedstraightatmystomach."
"Didyousayanything?"
Bethlettheshirtfall."Somethingdumbabouteatingtoomuch.AndIlaughed!Oh,God.What'sshegoing
tosaywhenItellher?"
"You'redoingitforher!"
"Yes."Bethswallowedasob."Yes,ofcourseIam."
"Thenwhatareyousoworriedabout?"
Bethgavehimanincredulouslook."Oh,onlytenortwelvethings.WhatdoyouthinkI'mworriedabout?"
Hedidn'tletherdiverthim."TellingMandy.You'reafraidshe'sgoingtofeelangryorthreatenedor..."He
spreadhishands."ButIdon'tgetit.She'sasensiblekid.Whywouldshefeelmorethreatenedthanany
otherchildwhofindsoutshe'sgoingtohaveababybrotherorsister?"
Bethclosedhereyes."BecauseI'mnotmarried.BecauseIliedtoher.Becausethisallmightbe
pointless."

Hegotitatlast."Becauseyoumighthavetosay,"I'mpregnantandIdiditforyou,butthebaby'sblood
isn'tcompatiblewithyours."
"Yeah."Hermouthtwistedandshelookedaway."Whydon'tyoujusttellhernow?"hesuggestedgently.
"Beforeshefiguresitoutherself.Beforeyouhavetheamniocentesis."
AdistinctsniffcamefromBeth'sdirection."Iknowyou'reright.It'sjustthatIwanttosaveherfrom..."
"Hope?"
"Falsehope."
"Maybeshedoesn'tneedprotecting.Maybeitscareshermorewhenyoutrytopretendeverythingis
great."
Hergazeslicedlikeaswitchblade."YouthinkIshouldtakeherdowntothefuneralhomeandlether
chooseherowncasket."
"Damnit,"hesaid,"youknowthat'snotwhatImeant!Butdoyouevertalkaboutthepossibilitythat
everythingmightnotbegreat?"
"She'stooyoungtothinkaboutdeath!"
"Butnottooyoungtodie."
Hefeltlikeabastardwhensheclappedahandtohermouthandheheardthetearingsoundofa
suppressedsob.Hetookasteptowardherandbroughthisfootdownonasharprock.Hemuttereda
curse."Canwegetout?"
Hehalfexpectedhertosuggesthedepartandnevercomeback.Instead,hershouldersslumped,andshe
turnedandwadedtowardthefarbank,wherethestrandsofnarrowgreenwillowleaveshunglikeabank.
Nathanfollowed,unsureifhewasexpectedto,butknowinghedidn'twanttoleaveBethalonerightnow.
Insidewasanotherworld,acavernunderthesea,washedinpalegreenlightthateddiedlikewater
chasedbygoldenfingersofsunlight.Butfortherippleofthecreekandthewhisperofbreezeinthe
willow,thesilencewasnearcomplete,thesenseofseparationandsecuritycuriouslycomforting.
"Likeawomb,"hemurmured.
Hehadn'tmeanthertohearhim,butshenodded.
"Itis,isn'tit?IknowMandyspendshourshere."
"Andyou?"
"Oh,Icomedownonceinawhile."Hervoicewashushed."Igrewuponafarm.Wehadatreeanda
creekjustlikethis.Itwasmyhideaway.IwantedMandytohaveone."
"RobandIhadatreehouse,"Nathanoffered."Nothingfancy.Dadhelpedalittle,butwedidmostofthe
workourselves.Weusedtolookdownonpeople'sheadsandthinktheydidn'tknowwewerethere.
There'ssomething...godlikeaboutthat."
"Andkidsfeelsopowerless."
Beth'seyesmethisdirectly."Mandymostofall.Howcanshehelpitwhenshe'ssovulnerable?"
Heletoutabreath."Iwaswrong,whatIsaidoutthere.I'msureyou'vetalkedtoheraboutbeingsickand
dyingandeverythingelse.Ishouldn'tassume,justbecauseyou'reusuallyupbeat."
"Ihaven't."Abruptlyshesat,wrappingherarmsaroundherknees.Herbentheadmuffledherwords.
Hestaredather."Never?"

Bethshookherheadwithoutliftingit.Shewasbarelyaudible."AtfirstIjustcouldn't!Shewantedto,but
itseemed...oh,likeacknowledgingitmightreallyhappen."Shelookedupatlast,eyesdampand
beseeching."Andthenlater...Mandywouldn'ttalktome.Imean,Ihaven'tsatdownandsaid,"We're
goingtotalkaboutdying."ButwhenItrytofindoutwhatshe'sworryingaboutorthinking,sheputsme
off.Shedoesseeacounseloratthehospital,andI'veassumed..."
Hedroppedtohiskneesinfrontofher."Quitblamingyourself,"hesaidalmostharshly."Yourreaction
wasnormal.Youprobablydidn'twanttostartcryinginfrontofher."
"Ishouldhavepushedtheissuelater,"shesaiddully."Ishouldhaveinsistedshetalktome."
Hismouthtwisted."Rememberwhatyousaidaboutkidsfeelingpowerless?Ifyou'dintrudedonher
privacy,Mandywouldhavelostwhatlittlecontroloverherlifeshehas."
"Yes,but"
"Mandylovesyou.Whenshereallyneedstotalk,she'llcometoyou."
Hereyesglistenedlikewindowpanesonarainyday."Yousoundsosure."
Nathangentlywipedtearsfromhercheek."Sheteasesyou.That'swhenIreallyhearherlove."
Shetiltedherheadtopresshercheekagainstthebackofhishand.
"Youalwaysknowwhattosay,don'tyou?"
Hislaughgrated."YouandIwould'vegottenalongbetterifIweresodamnedtactful."
"Ithink,"Bethwhispered,"ourtroublesmoretodowith...withthis"shetouchedheropenmouthtohis
hand"thanwithanythingeitherofushassaid."
Hegroanedandwithbothhandscuppedherface,histouchrough.
"Beth..."
Hergrayeyeswerehauntinglybeautiful,herlipstrembling."Wouldyou...wouldyoukissme?"
Asurgeofnearagonizinghungerrockedhim.Hedidn'tgivehimselftimetothink.Hepulledherupto
meethimandcrushedhermouthwithhis.Shecameeagerly,herlipsparting,herbreathwarmandtaste
sweet.
Exhilarationrushedthroughhimandhelostthepowertothink,couldonlyfeel.Hershoulderswereas
fine-bonedashe'ddreamed,herbackasnarrowandsupple.Hermouthwassodamnedsoft,herthroaty
murmurintoxicating.Heplungedhisfingersintoherhair,andthesilkycurlswrappedaroundthemas
thoughunwillingtoreleasehim.
Histongueplungedintohermouth,andhersmetit.Shenippedathislowerlipashegrowledwordsof
praiseanddesireandcoaxing.HishandsshookasheliftedthatoversizeT-shirtandpulleditoverher
head.Hedidn'tgivehertimetoreacttotheaironherskin,toprotest.Hismouthcapturedhersagainand
heboreherbackwarduntilshelaybeneathhiminthelonggrass.
Hefeltlikeamadman,needshovinghimalongasifhehadahandplantedinthemiddleofhisback.He'd
dieifhewasn'tinsideherinthenextminute.Shewashiswoman.Shegrewhisseed,carriedhisbaby.He
undidthecatchofherbraashestrungkissesdownherthroat,feelingthefrenziedbeatofherpulse.

Foronemomentheliftedhisheadtogazehungrilyatherbreasts,aspaleasmilkanddelicatelyveinedin
blue.Hernippleswereswollen,peakedforhimtodrawintohismouth.
Herskinwasassoftasitlooked.Shegaveasmallcrywhenhekissedherbreast,rubbedhischeek
againsthernipple,thenstrokeditwithhistongue.Shereachedupandgrippedhishairashedrewher
nippleintohismouthandsuckedstrongly.
Hisloosenedtiefellacrossherotherbreast.Herippeditfromhisneck,toreopenthefrontofhisshirt.
Heaidhishandoverthemoundofherbellyandrememberedthequickflutteringheartbeat.Hischild.
Carriedinherwomb.
Beth'shandsflattenedonhisbarechest;foramoment,stunned,hethoughtshewaspushinghimaway.But
thenshemadeawonderingsoundinherthroatandherhandsslippedhighertokneadhisshoulder
muscles.Ah,God.
Heliftedhisheadagaintolookather,neckarched,eyesfoggywithpassion,lipscurvedsoftly,curls
looseandshimmeryastheslendertreebranchesswayedandpartedtoletinnarrowbandsofsunlight.
Shewasthepictureofsensuality.Wanton.Sowhythehelldidhischesttighten?
Becausehewantedhereyesfocusedonhim.Notgazingdreamilyatnothingasherbreastsroseandfell
enticinglywitheachbreath.Damnit,hewantedtoknowwhoshesawinhermind'seye!
"Beth..."hesaidhuskily.
Shemadeamurmuredresponse.
Rob.HadshesaidRob'sname?Hisskinandherolledawayfromhe,r,swearing.
Bethsatup,crossingherarmsoverherbreasts."What...what'swrong?"
Heclenchedhisteethandstaredstraightupatthecanopyofwillow.
"I'mnotRob."
"Iknowyou'renot!"Hercheeksflushed.
"Youjustsaid"Rob."
"Hisbrother'snamescrapedhisthroat.
"Ididn't!"Sheshottoherfeet,Botticelli'sVenussteppingfromaseashell,curlstumblingaroundherwhite
shoulders,armsprotectingherbarebreasts."Ididn'tsayanything!Ijustmadeanoise!"
Helaidhisforearmacrosshisface."Itsureashellsoundedlike"
"Itwasn't!Butyoucanthinkwhatyoudamnwellplease!"
TherustleofclothingasshepulledonherT-shirt,theswishofbranches,asplashandonemuttered
profanity,andshewasgone.Helaythere,eyesclosed,andimaginedhersnatchinguphersandalsfrom
thebankandthenstalkingupthehillwithoutputtingthemon.Thatstraightslenderback,theproudangle
ofherhead,thoseshiningcurls.Hiswholebodyclenchedinanguish.God,he'dhadherbeneathhim,skin
assilkyashe'ddreamed,breastssmallbutsoft,herhipspushingupagainsthishand.Andhe'dblownit.
Agroantorefromhischest.Whythehellcouldn'thejusthavetakenwhatwasoffered?Sheprobably
hadn'tsaid"Rob."Thesoundhadbeenroughandthroaty,maybenomorethanawordlessresponsetoher
ownname.Andhe'dgoneoffthedeepend.Ifshe'dbeenanyotherwoman.
Butshewasn't.Shewashisbrother'swidow.He

wouldnot,couldnot,playRobinherfantasies.Anyoneelse,butnotRob.Nothisbrother,whoonetoo
manytimeshadplayedhim,Nathan.
Hehadtoknow.HewantedBethashe'dneverwantedawomaninhislife.Hemighteven.loveher.But
hisinstinctshadbeenrightfromthebeginning.Hewasn'thisbrother.Untilhewassuresheknewthat,he
hadtodoabetterjobofkeepinghishandsoffher.

Whathadshealmostdone.
Bethcurledintoaballonherbed,kneesdrawnupandarmssqueezingherself.OhGod,ohGod.Hadshe
said"Rob".
Butshehadn'tbeenthinkingaboutRob!Shehadn'tbeenthinkinganything,onlyfeeling.
Feelingafamiliarrushofdesire,themeltingwarmthrunningtohertoesandfingers,thedeepsenseof
urgency,thesweettighteninginherbelly.Butitwasn'tfamiliar,sherealizedinshock,hereyessnapping
open.Notfamiliaratall.Thehungerinherbloodwasstronger,moredesperate,thananythingshe'dfelt
before.
Yes,butmayhethatwasonlybecauseshe'dbeencelebateformorethanthreeyears,She'dmissed
closenessandgentlesatisfactionofmakingloveherhusband.Oh,howoftenshe'dreachedforhimfirst!
Half-asleep,shecouldn'tunderstandwhysideofthebedwasempty.Butasthemonthsstretchedintoa
year,she'dbecomeaccustomedbeingaloneatnight;aftersolong,she'dhardlyconsciouslyawareofher
loneliness.Butsurely,herfierceresponsetoNathan'stouchtodaycouldbeexplainedbyallthoseempty
nights.
Shemadeasmallwhimperingsound.Didshewantthattobetheexplanation?Nathanhadn'tmattered,
onlyherownneed?
Andoh,Lord,thiswasthepartthatreallymatteredhadshebeenpretendinghewasRob?
ButhowcouldshehavewhenNathan'skissesandtouchweresodifferent?Shehadfeltthatdifference
witheveryfiber.Ithadexcitedher,sheadmitted,hisintensityfiringtheurgencythathadmadeherso
quicklywantsex,notjustdeliciousforeplay.Shehadwantedhiminsideherrightthen.Shehadneeded
him.
Anditwasn'tRobsheneeded.Notthen,notnow.Butshe'dlovedRob!
Beththoughtinpanic.Howcouldshefeelthesethingsforhisbrother?Shemoanedagain.WhatifNathan
hadcomeintotheirliveswhenRobwasstillalive?Wouldshestillhavebeenattracted,betrayingher
husbandsecretly,inthoughtifnotinaction?
Stifflysheuncurledherselfandrolledontoherback,staringupattheceilingasshefacedthebleak
knowledgethatshewouldalmostratherhavediscoveredshewaspretendingtoday.Forthat,shecould
haveforgivenherself.

CHAPTERNINE

Mandygavethegliderapushandturnedthepageofherbook.Itwasasecondbeforesherealizedshe'd
heardafootstep.ShelookeduptofindMomhadjustcomeoutontotheporch.
"Ineedtotalktoyou."Hermothersoundedtotallyserious,thewayshedidwhensomethingbadhad
happened.
Asquicklyasherheartbeatspedup,fearracedthroughMandy.She'dbeenforherregularcheckuplast
week.Theweirdwhitebloodcellsmustbemultiplyingagain,shuttingouttheredones.Herfeetquit
pushingandthegliderstilled.Shegaveasmallnod."Okay."
Momcrossedtheporchandsatdownbesideher.Calvinstoodupontherailing,archedhisbackand

stretchedlikeaHalloweencat,thenhoppedontoMom'slap.Somehowhe'dbecomeMom'scat,andPolly
wasMandy's.
StrokingCalvin'sbackasthoughunawareshewasdoingit,Momgaveapushandtheybegantoswing.
Butshedidn'tsayanything,andwhenMandystoleaglanceather,herlipsweretight.
Afteramomentshesighed."MaybeIshouldhavetoldyouthisalongtimeago.Ihopeyou'llwhyIdidn't."
"ButIonlywent..."Mandytrailedoff,puzzled.
"Went?"
"Well"Ithought.Imean,Ididjusthavethebloodtest."
Momgaveasoftcry."No,no.Ihaven'theardresults.Andyou'refeelingfine,aren'tyou?It'snothinglike
that.I'msorry,Ididn'tthink."
"That'sokay."Mandyshruggedawkwardly."Butifyoudon'twanttotalkaboutmebeingsick..."Thenit
hither.She'dwonderedhowlonghermotherthoughtshecouldhideherstomach.Jeez,evenMandy's
friendsweregoingtonoticeprettysoon.
"Thisissomethingelse."Momnibbledonherlowerlip."AlthoughI'mdoingitbecauseofyou."
"Iknow."
"Thethingis..."Momhadcontinuedtalkingasthoughshehadn'theardMandy,butsuddenlyherheadshot
up."Youknowwhat?"
"Iknowyou'repregnant,"Mandysaidcalmly."AndIknowwhy.IheardyouandUncleNatetalkingabout
it."
"When?"
"Idon'tknow."Sheshruggedagain,lookingdownatthebookthatstilllayopeninherlap."Alongtime
ago.Whenyouweretryingtogethimtobethefather."
Moro'sbreathwhooshedoutofher."You'veknownsincelastspring?"shewhispered.
Mandypushedherglassesup."Yeah."
"Andyoudidn'tsayanything?"
Shetoldthetruth."Ifiguredifyoudidn't,Iwouldn't."
"Oh,honey,.."Mommovedtoputanarmaround

her.MandystiffenedandMom'sarmdropped."Youdon'tunderstandwhyIdidn'ttellyou."
"Iguessyoudidn'tthinkitwasmybusiness."Someofherresentmentleakedintohervoice.
"Ofcourseit'syourbusiness!"Momsoundedindignant.
Yeahright,Mandythought.Thenwhydidn'tyoutellme?
Asthoughshe'dheardher,Momsaid,"Ididn'twantyoutoworry.Ororhope.Likeyoudidwhenwe
foundUncleNateandthoughthemighthavetherightkindofblood."
Mandydidn'tbelieveher.Hopingforsomethingwasn'tthatbad.Itwasbetterthannothoping.Whatshe
thoughtwasthatMomhadgivenupafterUncleNatewasn'tamatch.IfMomthoughtshe,Mandy,was
goingtodie,thenitmadesenseforhertohaveanotherbaby,didn'tit?
Thatwayshewouldn'tbeleftallalone.
Mandytriednottomind.Ornottoomuch,anyway.Shedidn'tdoubthermother'slove.Momhadloved
Dad,too.Thinkhowawfulitwouldbeforher,
Dadandheronlykidbothdead.SoifMomhadanotherbaby,itwouldn'tbeasbadforher.Shewouldn't
beaslonely.
Only,Mandyfeltevenlonelierandmorefrightenedtoknowthathermotherwouldn'tmissherasmuch,
thatshe'dbebusycooingatsomebabyandshowhimhiscolorsandtoreadandtoswing.Maybethe
willowtreewouldbehis.
KnowinghowmuchMomwouldbeenonewayMandyreassuredherselfthatwouldn'tbelikeGod
zappingherand
"You'regone.Youneverexisted."Ifshewasreally,reallymissed,thatmeantsomepartofherspiritwas
stillhere,right?Butifshewasn'treally,reallymissed.Mandy'sstomachclenched.Shedidn'twanttotalk
aboutit.Shejustnodded."It'sokay,"shesaidagain.
"Thethingis,I'llhaveanamniocentesisinaboutamonth.That'swhentheystickaneedleintomystomach
andtakeoutsomeofthefluid.Theycantellifthebabyishealthythen.Buttheycanalsodotissuetyping."
Interestedforthefirsttime,Mandyfrowned."Youmean,we'llknowthen?Alongtimebeforethebabyis
born?"
"Yes."
"Thebabymightnotberight."
"No.Thechancesareoneinfour.Butthosearen'tbadodds."
"Iguessnot."Mandyhesitated.Shefeltlikehermotherwaswaitingforsomething.Finally,usinghermost
politevoice,shesaid,"It'scoolyou'ddothisforme.Thankyou."
Mom'shandswerewringingtogetherinherlap."I'ddoanythingforyou."
Mandy'sheartcramped.Thendon'thavethisbaby."Iknow."
Althoughherfacewasaverted,shefelthermother'ssearchinglook.
"Youwon'tworrytoomuch?"Momasked.
"No."Shepretendedtofindherplaceinherbook."Ijustdon'tletmyselfthinkaboutstufflikethat."
"Smartgirl."Momkissedhercheekandstoodup,dumpingCalvinoffherlap."Igotobedworryingabout
whetherI'llrememberinthemorningtocut

mytoenailsorbuypeanutbutteratthestore.I'mgladyoudidn'tinheritmyneurotictendencies."
MandywatchedCalvinhopbackupontheporchrailingandbegincleaninghimself."MaybeI'mlike
Dad."
"Hecertainlydidn'tworry,"Momagreeddryly,andleftheralone.
Mandyclosedherbook,notevenglancingtoseewhatpageshewason.
Iworry,too,she'dwantedtosaytoMom.Iworryallthetime.I'mscared.Shecouldn'tfigureoutwhyshe
didn'tsayit.Ifonlyshecould,Momwouldholdhertightandpromiseshe'dgetbetter.Shecouldcry,and
feelhertearswettingsomeoneelse'sskin.Shewouldn'tbesoterriblyalone,thewayshewaswhenshe
criedintoherpillowatnight.
Butthewordsjustwouldn'tcomeout.She'dtrainedthemsowelltostayunsaidthattheydidn'teven
struggletosaythemselvesanymore.
Itwaseasiertokeepthingstoherself.Probably,sheremindedherself,itwouldn'tdoanygoodtosaythose
things,anyway.Shemadepeopleuncomfortable.Orangry,likeMomhadbeenthatonce.Jessicawasthe
onlyonewho'dunderstood.
AfteralongwhileMandysighed.Maybethisbabybrothershedidn'tknowwhy,butshethoughtitwasa
boywouldbecompatible.She'dratherhopethannot.Itwasn'timpossiblethathecouldsaveher.
Ifhedid,justthinkhowawfulshe'dlookforeverhavinghatedhisguts.

IfNathanhadbeenanyotherman,Bethknewdarnwellshe'dhavedonethecowardlythingandcalledto
tellhimshedidn'twanttoseehimagain.Givenwhohewas,shecouldn'tdothat.Mandyneededhim.
Butshecouldn'timaginewhatthey'dsaytoeachotherthenexttimehecameover.EspeciallyifMandy
wasthere.Howcouldtheypretendnothinghadhappened?
ThedayafterhertalkwithMandyno,notwiththedayaftershe'dtalkedtoMandy,Bethwentto
Nathan'scondominium.She'dneverbeenthere;healwayscametoseethem,nottheotherwayaround.But
theyneededtobealoneiftheyweretobehonestwitheachother,andshe'dratherheawayfromthehouse
she'dsharedwithRob.Awayfromthephotographsonthemantel,thestoolhe'dsatoninthekitchento
watchhercook,theporchgliderhe'dboughtforBeth'sthirtiethbirthday.Nate'splacewouldbeneutral.
Shecalledandaskedifhe'dbehomeandhavetimeforhertostopby.
Soundingonlymomentarilysurprisedandthenmatter-of-fact,hesuggestedeleveno'clock.Now,shewas
hereonhisdoorstep,handraisedtopressthehell.
Shefeltalittlequeasyforthefirsttimeinatleastamonth.Notmorningsickness.Nervousness.Takinga
deepbreath,sherangthedoorbell.
Heopenedthedoorsoquicklyshewonderedifhe'dseenherparkinfrontandbeenwaiting.Hishairwas
dampfromtheshower,andheworecharcoalgrayslacksandawhiteshirt,unbuttonedatthecollarand
cuffs.ThesightofthedressshirtandthetannedVathisnecksentaquiverthroughher.Thelasttimeshe's
seenhim,he'dwornawhiteshirtjustlikethatone.Whenhe'dpalleditopen,she'dlaidherhands

againstthehardmusclesofhischest,felttheheavypoundingofhisheart,thewarmthofhisskin.
Don'tthinkaboutit,shetoldherself.Blockitout.Hisdarkgazeflickedtoherstomachbeforereturningto
herface.Hedidthateverytimehesawher,sherealizedwithsomeremotepartofhermind.Itwasas
thoughhewascheckingtomakesureshewasstillpregnant.
Apparentlyreassured,henoddedandstoodback.
Thecondowell,reallyatownhousewasupscale,fromitseleganttiledentrytothickblondcarpetin
thelivingroomandabaywindowinthediningroom.Forallthat,itwaslifeless,shesawinone
surprisedlook.Colorswereneutral,thefurniturecouldhavecomefromahotelroom,andthewallswere
undecorated.Hehadn'ttroubledtomakeitahome.Heobviouslyfeltasifhewasjustpassingthrough.
Herstomachtookapanickydip.She'dbecomeusedtohispresenceintheirlives!Didheintendto
disappearagain,oncehewassatisfiedshecouldmanage?
"Wouldyoulikecoffee?Tea?"Thegrooveinoneofhischeeksdeepened."No,you'vegivenupcaffeine,
haven'tyou?CanIgetyousomethingelse?"
"No.Thankyou.Ijustthought"shehesitated"weoughttotalk."
Hisgazeloweredforaninstantagain."You'reallright?"
Bethnodded."I,um,toldMandy."Now,wherehadthatcomefrom?Shewasn'tsupposedtobehereto
confideinhim.Butwhenherelaxedperceptibly,shethoughtherinstincthadbeensound.Instinct?an
innervoicemurmured.Trycowardice.
"And?"Hegesturedhertowardaseatontheleathersofa,sinfullysoftandpalegold.Shewasn'tquitethe
shapeofahippopotamusyet,butshewasstillgoingtohavetostruggletogetupagain.Inthematching
chair,heleanedback,hisposerelaxed.Nevertheless,shefeltthetensionradiatingfromhim.Ifshe
touchedhimDonyoudarethinkit.
"Shealreadyknew."Bethsmiled,oneofthosesmilesthathidpainfulemotions."Sheoverheardustalking
lastspring.She'sknownallalong."
"Andshedidn'tsayanything?"Hesoundedincredulous.
"ShefiguredifIdidn't,shewouldn't.Iquote."Heshookhishead.
"She'stwelvegoingonthirty."
Bethsqueezedherhandstogether."You'dbejustifiedinsayingItoldyouso."
Hiseyesmethers."Youhadgoodcauseforkeepingquiet."
"Maybenotsogood."
"Hindsightiseasy."
Ifonlyhewouldn'tbesodecent,souncritical,sosexy.
Unreasonablyannoyed,shestiffenedherresolve.
"Ireallycameaboutwhathappenedatthecreek.Itwasn'tsuchagoodidea."
Heclosedhiseyesforamomentandkneadedthebackofhisneck."Iwasajerk.IsupposeI'mparanoid."
"Ididn'tsay"Rob.""Itseemedimportanttoconvincehim.
Hegrimaced."Yeah.LaterIrealized"
"Iwasn'tthinking"Rob,"either."

"Weren'tyou?"Hesatforward,elbowsbracedonhisknees.Theintensityinhiseyescutthroughany
pretense.
"No."Shehadtolookaway."Atleast...No.Icouldn'thavebeen."
"Butyou'renotsure."Histonewashard.
Herchinshotup."Iwasmarriedfortenyears.Ihaven'tmadelovetoamansinceRobdied.Isitunnatural
thathe'dcometomindthefirsttimeI..."Herthroatclogged.
Hesworeunderhisbreath."Putthatway,no.God.No,ofcourseitisn't."
"Areyouthekindofmanwhoonlywantsawomanwho'suntouched?"Shesaiditacidly,refusingto
acknowledgethesharppainlodgedbehindherbreastbone."Orisitonlybeinguntouchedbyyourbrother
thatmatters?"
Nathanrosetohisfeetandcrossedtothewindowtostareoutattheparkinglot.Hisneckandbackwere
rigid."IknewMandywasn'tanimmaculateconception."
Herquestioncamewithoutconsciousthought."WhydoyouhateRobsomuch?"Sheknewsuddenly,with
someshock,thatthiswaswhyshe'dcome.Toheartheanswertothisonequestion.
"Doesitmatter?"
"Yes."Shelookeddowntowhereherhandstrokedthebutterysoftleather."Iassume,becauseofMandy
andthebaby,youandIwillhavearelationshipofsortsforalongtimetocome.It'sobviously
complicatedbyyourfeelingsforRob."
Howstiffshesounded!Evenstuffy.Buthowelsecouldshehavephrasedit?Whatelsecouldshesaid?
SometimesIthinkI'mfallinginlovewithyou,andIneedtoknowwhetheryoufeelanythingforme,or
whetheritallhastodowithRob.
Witharoughsound,Nathanturnedtofaceher.Hisface,usuallyimperturbable,showedharshnessand
sorrowandathousandothertangledemotions.
"Allright.Wecompeted."Hechoppedoffeachword.
"Everythingeverygoddamnedthingwasacompetition.Ourmotherencouragedit.ButRob"Nathan
closedhiseyesmomentarily"Robhadthisincrediblecompulsiontobestmeateverythingwedid.
Nothingcouldbeminealone.IfIdidit,hedidit,too.Preferablybetter.IfIhadone,hehadtohaveone,
too."Hiseyesburnedintohers."I'mnottryingtoexcusemyself,Beth.MaybeIwasjustasbad.Maybeif
I'dlethimbeatmeoftenenough,he'dhavebeensatisfied.ButIwastoodriventodothat."
"Youweretwins,"shewhispered."Didn'tyouloveeachother?"
Hisfaceworked."Yeah.Ofcoursewedid.Wealwaysknewwhattheotheronewasthinking.Westuck
together.Otherpeopleneverwouldhaveguessed"
"Thatyouwerebothfightingsohardtobeindividuals,"Bethsaidsoftly."Separate."
Composedagain,helookedatherwithoutexpression."Gotitinone."
Heshrugged."That'sthestory."
Sheachedwithaterriblemuddleoffeelings:sadnessatwhatthey'dlost,atwhatallofthemhadlost,
regretthatitwastoolatetomendthebrothers'rift,andmostofall,angerattheirmother,who,whatever
herintentions,hadsownsuchbitterness.

No,shesaid."Youdidn'ttellmetheending.Somethingmusthavehappened.Somethingmore."

"Itwasalongtimecoming."

"Iwanttoknow."
Hesworeandturnedawayagain,thenabruptlyswungbacktofaceher.
Hisfaceheld,nottheangershe'dexpectedtosee,butanexpressionmoreakintopity."Youdon't.It'll
taintyourmemoryofRob."
Thequeasinessreturnedfullforce.Herhusbandhadhadhisflaws;hewassometimeslazy,contentto
coastonhischarm,maybeevenalittleselfish.Sheknewhewasn'tperfect.Butwhatcouldhehavedone
thatwassoterribleevenhistwinbrotherwantednothingtodowithhim?
"You'vealreadytaintedit,"shesaidflatly."IfIdon'tknow,I'llalwayswonder.That'sworse."
ThelinescarvedinNathan'scheeksandforeheadagedhim,madehimlookweary."Ineverintended"
"Iknow.Butit'stoolatetogoback."
"Maybeitwasn'tevensobad.Robthoughtitwasajoke.I'dbeenpackingawayresentmentforyears.His
littlejokebroughtittoahead."
Joke?Shestaredathim."Hedidn't...murdersomebodyorrapeawomanor..."
"Murder,no.Rape,maybe,"Nathanletoutaheavybreath.Oh,hell.
It'sjustasordidepisodeI'venevertoldanyoneabout.Ihadagirlfriendincollege.Iwasprettyserious
abouther.Onedayshementionedhowwildthesexhadbeenthenightbefore."Hepaused."Troublewas,
Ihadn'tbeenwithher.knewIwasbusy."
"Oh,no,"Bethbreathed.Shesawitwithclarity,Robborrowingoneofhisbrother'sshinsorjacketsor
hadtheydressedenoughalikehehadn'tevenhadtodothat?Knockingonthegirl'sdoor,playingagame.
Only,heshouldhavebeenoldenoughtoknowitwasn'tagame.
"Oh,yeah."Nathansatbackdown.Withagrimacehecontinued,"IconfrontedRob.Headmitteditwas
him.Turnedout,he'dpretendedtobemehalf-a-dozentimes.Sheneverhadaclue.Hewasdamnedgood
atit.Tohim,itwasagrandjoke.Whenwewerekids,wethoughtitwasfunnytotrickpeople.Whatwas
anydifferentaboutthis?"
Shockmadehervoicethin,thready."Whatdidyoudo?"
"Ipunchedhim.Hebrokemynose.Itransferredtoanothercollege.Ineversawhimagain."
"Didyou...didyoutellher?"
Heshookhishead."Whatwasthepoint?Shetookbirth-controlpills.Robwashealthy,Webrokeupnot
toomuchlater."
"Becauseofwhathappened?"
Nathanlookedaway."Yeah.I'mnotproudofmyself.Icouldn'tquitwonderingwhichofusshe'd
preferred."
"Whathedid...itwassick."Shespokewithastonishmentandloathing.Nathanwasright.Hermemoryof
Robwouldbetainted.Itwastainted.Howcouldhehave?
"We'dbothaskedherout.Sheturnedhimdown.ButifIhadsomething,hehadtohaveit,too.Mosttwins
arefulfilledbytherelationship.Robwastormentedbyit."
"Thankstoyourmother."

"Maybe."Nathanletoutalongbreath."Butmaybenot.Maybeitwasinnate.Kidsarebornwithneeds
theirparentshaven'tcreated.Hell,maybeItookuptoomuchspaceinherwomb,andhehatedmebythe
timewewereborn."Helaughedwithouthumor."Ibeathimatthat,too.Iwasbornoneminuteaheadof
him.Whenwewereabouteight,Imadeabigdealoutofbeingtheolderbrother.Ihadallthesensitivity
ofarockfall."
"AccordingtoMandy,noboyshaveanysensitivity."
Hissmilewaswry."She'sprobablyright."
"ThankGodboysgrowup,"Bethsaidthoughtfully.
"Someboys."
"Wouldyoueverhaveforgivenhim?"Sheflushedatherabruptness."IfifhehadcalledyouwhenItold
himheshould?"
"Ihopeso."Heeyesheldbleakhonesty."Idon'tknow."
"Ithink...Ithinkhechanged."
RoughlyNathansaid,"Ihavenodoubthedid.AllIhavetodoislookatyouandMandy.Hemadeyou
happy.Somehowhelearnedtodeserveyou."
"Iwish..."
"Iwish,too."Heclearedhisthroat.
Foramomenttheysatinsilence.Bethwonderedwhyshehadn'tdoubtedNathan'sstory.Shouldn'tshe
haveautomaticallyleapttoRob'sdefense?Couldn'tNathanhavegottenitwrong,somehow
misunderstood?
Whatifthegirlhadthoughtitwaskinkyfuntohavesexwithbothbrothersandhadslippedtalkingto
Nathan?RobmighthavebeentryingtoshieldNathanfromthehurt.Butshedidn'tbelieveit.Nathan's
storyrangtrue.AndshehadalwaysknownthatRobfeltguiltyforwhateverhadhappened.He'dmissed
hisbrotherdesperatelybuthe'dsteadfastlyrefusedtotrytofindhim.Shame,shethought,hadmadehim
feelhedeservedalonelinessshe'dneveraltogetherunderstood,becauseshedidn'thaveatwin.Rob
hadn'tbelievedNathanwouldforgivehim.Andsheknewnowwhyhe'drefusedtotellheraboutthefight.
Feelingnumb,shestoodup."Ishouldgonow.Butfirst"shebitherlip"firstIhavetosaywhatIcame
tosay."
Hestood,too,andshehadthesenseofhimbracinghimself,althoughheonlywaited.
"Isortof...cameontoyoutheotherday."Hercheekswarmed."Iknowitwasmyfault.Ialsoknowthat
forustoacton...onanykindofattractionwefeelwouldbeabigmistake.ForMandy,you'vetakenher
dad'splace.Sheneedsyou.Soifthingsdidn'tworkoutbetweenus,thatmightmakeitimpossibleforus
toallbetogether.Idon'twantthattohappen."Shehesitated,nibblingagainonherlip.
"Can...canwejustbefriends?"
"Friends."Herepeatedthewordwithnointonation,asthoughhedidn'tunderstanditsmeaning.Anxiously
shesaid,"Likewehavebeen."
Nathantookasteptowardher."Myfeelingsarealittlemorethanfriendly."
Bethretreated."We'vebeendoingjustfine.Untiltheotherday."
"Andthatwassobad?"

"No."Shepressedherlipstogether."No,ofcoursenot.Butyoudon'tbelieveI'mnotseeingRobevery
timeIlookatyou,andI'm..."
Shehesitated.
"You'renotsure."He'dmadeitnotaquestion.Hisexpressionhadclosed.Shuttersdown.
Well,tohellwithhim.Sheliftedherchin."Allright.I'mnotsure."
"Thenfriendsit'llbe."Thesardonicemphasistoldherwhathethoughtoftheirchancesofbeingbuddies,
butshecouldn'tblamehim.
Shewastheonewho'dignitedthebonfiretheotherday.
Heescortedhertothedoor,noddedgoodbyeandwasalreadybuttoninghiscuffsasheshutit.While
walkingtohercarandthendrivinghome,Bethremindedherselfoverandoveragainofallthegood
reasonstheyshouldn'tmakelove,shouldn'triskfallinginlove,shouldn'triskablowupthatwouldbreak
Mandy'sheart.
Friends.Wecanbefriends.

Theytried.
Theyevensucceededuptoapoint.
Nathancameovernearlyasoftenasbefore.Mandyseemednottonoticeanyspecialtensionbetweenher
motherandheruncle.Maybe,Beththoughtruefully,thatwasbecauseithadbeentherefromthevery
beginning.
ThelastweekendinSeptemberNathantookBethandMandyonashorthiketotheicecavesatthefootof
BigFour,amagnificentmountainwithsmall,easilyaccessibleglaciers.Thetrail,justoveramilelong,
crossedacrystal-clearfivertumblingoverrocks,thenroseonswitchbacksthroughdeepwoods.Moss
coatedtreetrunksanddrapedfrombranches.Ferns,theirfrondsedgedwithbrownafterthehotsummer
anddrySeptember,clamberedoverdecomposingstumpsandbrushedthetrail.
Mandyskippedahead,herskinnylegslettingherboundlikeafawn.
Aroundeveryturnofthetrail,she'deitherwaitimpatientlyorstartbacktomeetthem.
"Look!"shesaid."Thatwholelineoftreesisgrowingoutoftheonethatfelldown."
"It'scalledanurselog,"Nathantoldher."Asitrotsandcrumbles,seedstakerootanditprovidesthe
nutrientstheyneedtogrow.Eventuallyitcompostsaltogetherandenrichestheforestfloor.That'swhya
forestthat'sloggedeveryfiftyyearsissomuchpoorer."
"Thisiscool!"Mandydeclared,andhurriedaheadagain.
"Well,she'ssuregotenergy,"Bethsaid,halfrueful.Thispregnancywasstillmakinghertired,although
she'dgottenovertheworstofitalongthenausea.
"Yeah.You'venevertakenherhikingbefore?"
"Wedidsomewhenshewasyounger,butaftershegotsick..."
"Thisoneisshortenoughnottotireher."
Shemadeaface."Orme?"
Hismouthtiltedintoagenuinesmile."Oryou."Therestofthedaywasmorerelaxed.Theyatetheir
picniclunchsittingonahugerock.
Mandyranandslidonthesnowfieldsfallingandgigglingasshesoakedherjeans.Thesunwarmonher
face,Bethwatchedwiththemostpositivefeelingofcontentmentshe'dknowninalongtime.Mandy
lookedsohealthy,sonormalItwashardtoimaginethatshecouldbesick.Butmaybe,justmaybe,this
pregnancywouldprovidetheinsurancesheneeded.Asthoughthebabyhadreadhermind,Bethfelt
flutterymovementsinherabdomen.
Eventuallytheyscrambledupoveranarrowrockyridgeandstoodinthemouthofacaveformedby

meltingglacierice.Theairwasfrigid,andtheonlysoundwasthedrippingofwater.Towardthebackof
thecooldarknaturalcathedral,sunlightfellthroughanopeningintheiceasifthroughastained-glass
window.
"Oh,it'ssobeautiful!"Mandycried."Canwegoin?"
"Youreadthesigns."Bethnoddedtowardonepostedattheopening.
"It'snotsafe.Irememberreadingjustlastyearaboutacoupleofguyswhogottrappedwhenacave
collapsed."
"Oh,poop."Mandywrinkledhernose."Itlookssafe."
"Itprobablyis,butwhytakeachance?"
Mandygaveheralookthatpreviewedtheteenageyears."Sometimes,"shesaid,asthoughhermother
wereanidiot,"it'sworthtakingrisks."Sheturnedandwalkedaway.
BesideherNathansaidnothing,andBethcouldonlyprayhehadn'tnoticedthedoublemeaningin
Mandy'swords.
Sometimesitisworthtakingrisks,Bethsilentlyagreed.Butsometimesthey'retoogreat.
Orhadshebeenturnedintoacowardbecauseshehadtoliveconstantlywiththefearoflosingher
daughter?
ShefollowedNathanoutofthemouthofthecave,pickingherwaycarefullyonthewater-slickrocky
footing.Internallyshecontinuedthedebate.Shehadsomeoneelsetothinkabout,too,shereminded
herself,ababywhosefaceandpersonalityandnameshedidn'tknow,butwhowasbecomingincreasingly
realtohernonetheless.
Shetouchedherstomachandwonderedwhatthechildwouldthink,whenheorshewasMandy'sage,
abouttheadmittedlybizarreconceptionandthearrangementbetweenthemotherandfather.Orwould
Nathanstillbearound?
Butsheknewtheanswertothat.Nathantookhisresponsibilitiesseriously.He'dbeagoodfather,evenif
itmeantshehadtosharecustody.
Thinkhoweasyitwouldbe,aninsidiousvoicemurmured,ifyougotmarried.Mandywouldbethrilled
andyourfinancialproblemswouldbeatanend.Anditisn'tasthoughyouaren'tattractedtoeachother.
AheadofherNathanpausedjustthenandheldoutahandtohelpherdownashortscramble.Right,Beth
thought,lookingfromhisbigbrownhandtohisbroadshouldersandhisface,handsomeandsomehow
quitedifferentfromRob's,itwasn'tasthoughshewasn'tattractedtohim.
Butchildrenandgoodsexweren'tbasisenoughforamarriage.Childrengrewup.Sexwithanyone
personlostitsnovelty.Lookatcelebrities.Assoonastheexcitementworeoff,theygotdivorced.
No,therehadtobemore:realliking,asharedsenseofhumor,commitment.Andlove.
Butlovecouldonlycomewhentheyexorcised

Rob'sghost.AsNathan'shandclosedonhersandsheaccepteditssupport,shesuddenlysawhisface,not
courteousandevenfriendlyasitwasnow,butcontortedwithemotionashetoldherwhathisbrotherhad
donetohim.Herheartsqueezedpainfullywiththelossofthehopeshemustsecretlyhavebeennursing.
WhatwerethechancesNathancouldeverforgetthatshehadlovedRobfirst?

CHAPTERTEN

"Damnit!"
Nathanexclaimed.Didn'tthatwomanhaveanysense?Fivemonthspregnant,andshewascarryingboxes
heavyenoughtobreakherback!
Heleaptoutofhiscarandcoveredthefiftyyardstothebarninlongstrides."Letmetakethat."
"It'sokay,"shesaidblithely."I'vegotit.Ifyouwanttohelp,there'smore"
Hesnatchedtheboxfromherarmsandalmostsaggedundertheweightofit.Straightening,hegrowled,
"Whereto?"
"Frontporchsteps."Sherushedafterhim."I'mperfectlycapableofcarryingit!"
Nathandidn'tsayaworduntilhe'dsettheboxdownonthebottomstepascarefullyasthoughitcontained
eggs.Thenhestraightenedtofaceher.
"You'repregnant,"hesaidtautly."Youshouldn'tbeliftingorcarryinganythingheavy."
Hercheeksflushedwithindignation."Ihaveabusinesstorun!What'smore,fivemonthspregnantdoes
notconstituteadisability!Lotsofpregnantwomenwork,notallatdeskjobs."
Hisjawmusclesached."Butyouhavemoreatstakethanmost.Orhaveyouforgotten?"
Hereyesnarrowedandshesnapped,"Don'tbeinsulting.Ifthat'sallyoucamefor..."

"It'snot."Herubbedahandoverthebackofhisneck,belatedlyrecognizingthatshehadreasontobe
annoyed,howeverstupidherinsistenceonplayingpart-timelongshoreman."I'msorry.Ididn'tmeanto
sounddictatorial."
"Howdidyoumeantosound?"sheaskedtartly.
"Concerned."
"Concerndulynoted."Hergazedidn'tsoften."Whyareyouhere?"
BecauseIdidn'twanttogohome.Becausethisishome."TofinishmyMonopolygamewithMandy.Isshe
here?"
"She'sinherbedroom."Obviouslygrudging,Bethsaid,"Iguessyoucanstayfordinnerifyou'dlike."
"HowaboutifIgopickupapizza?"
Sheplantedherhandsonherhips."Areyoutryingtoappeaseme?"
Standingtherelikethat,eyessparkingandchindefiant,shelookedcute.Pretty.Sexy.Herpalecurlswere
evenmoretousledthanusual,astheymightbewhensheawakenedmornings.Thepinkinhercheekswas
flatteringtothedelicatelinesofherface.Hercombativestaremeanthedidn'tdarelowerhisgaze,buthe
wasacutelyawareoftheripeswellofherbellyandthefactthatherbreastswerefullerthantheyusedto
be.Herpositionthrustthemout.
Hell,thesedays,hewasalwaysacutelyawareofherbellyandbreastsandlonggracefulneckandthe
softnessofherlowerlip.Everytimehesawherandalltoooftenwhenhedidn't-herememberedher
tasteandfeelandsmallmuffledsounds.
Appeaseher?Hecouldn'taffordnotto.
"Yep,"headmitted,tryingtosoundahellofalotmorefreeandeasythanhefeltwithhisgrointightening.
Shethoughtaboutit."Okay,"sheaidatlast."AndI'llletyouhelpcarrysomeoftheboxes."
Hehadnointentionofallowinghertopickupevenone.Onherlongpackingtableinthebarnhefounda
dozenreadytogo.
"Doyoushipeveryday?"heasked.
"Moreliketwiceaweek.AndJulieisusuallyheretohelp."Shewrinkledhernose."She'salmostasbad
asyouare."
"Youtoldheryou'repregnant."
Sheglanceddownat.herstomach."Thisisonesecretthat'simpossibletokeep."
Shesealedaboxwithpackingtape,thenpusheditathim."Letmefinishwiththeselastcouple,thenI'll
helpyou.TheUPStruckshouldbehereanyminute."
Ordersdidn'twork.He'dtrybegging."Letmecarrythem.Please:I'dfeelbetter."
Hereyesmethisgravely.Afteramomentshenodded."Okay.Thistime."Shereachedforthetapeagain,
butherhandstilled."Thankyou."
"Noproblem."
"Iwouldn'tsaythat."Herlashesloweredandshestaredfixedlyatthebrowncartonshemadenomoveto
tapeclosed."You'reheresooften.Youmusthavegivenupvacationsandtimewithfriendsand..."
Sheletoutasmallsighandherlashessweptupsothatshecouldsearchhisfacewithdisquieting
intensity."Youmusthavehadalifebeforeus."

Prideortruth?Itwasnocontest."Notmuchofone,"headmittedgruffly."Yeah,Ihavefriends,buthell,
mostof'emaremarriedandtoobusycoachingtheirkids'LittleLeagueteamstobefreetoclimbMount
Olympus.I,uh"herotatedhisshouldersuneasily"mostlyworked.Seventy,eightyhoursaweek
sometimes.WhenIwasinPortlandtheotherday,mysecretarycongratulatedmeforlooseningup.Ihave
youandMandytothankforthat."
Herbrowcreased."Ithinkyou'retryingtomakemefeelbetter."
"Ienjoybeinghere."Hissinceritysoundedclosertofervency.
Hereyes,shadowedhereinthebarn,contemplatedhimforanotherlongmoment."Okay,"shesaidatlast
withanod,"I'llletitslide.ProbablybecauseI'mtoogladyou'reheretobenoble."
Hisheartliftedlikeakitecatchingthewind.Hefeltfoolishtobeasexcitedashe'dbeenattheageoften
whenhisparentsannouncedthefamilywasgoingtoDisneyland.ButBethhadneverbeforecomerightout
andsaidshewashappyhewasaround.He'dguessedshewaswhenheshowedupwithdinnerandsaw
hertirednesswashedawaybyrelief,orwhensheaskedhimtodriveMandysomewhereandheagreed,or
even,sometimes,whenheandMandyweregoofingaroundandMandy'slaughrangout,clearand
uncomplicated.Butshehadn'tsaidit,andthewordsfeltgood.
Now,hethoughtwryly,ifonlyshe'dconfessthatshewantedhimtokissherandneededhimdesperately!
Hegrunted.Inhisdreams.
Hoistingthenextboxofjamdestinedforheglancedatthelabelagourmet-foodstoreinSanRafael,
California,hesaid,"Berightback."
Donepackaging,sheclosedupthebarnandtheywalkedtothehousetogether,Nathanwiththelastboxon
hisshoulder.ThebrownUPStruckwasjustpullingintothedrivewayataspeedthatsentdustbillowing.
Insecondsthedriverhadsunnilygreetedthem,slappedonlabels,loadedthepileintothetruckandwas
tearingbackdownthedriveway.
Nathanshookhisheadinadmiration."Ishouldhirehim."
"They'realwaysinahurry.Andhealreadyhadtheshippinginfo.I'mhookedupbycomputer."
"Still..."Thetruckwasgone.
Shegaveasuddenmischievoussmile."Iofferedhimajoblastyear.Heturnedmedown.ThepayI
offeredwaslousy."
Hegrinned."Luckyhedidn'treportyoutohisbosses.Maybethey'dhaverefusedtoshipyour
merchandise."
Hersmiledeepened."I'mafraidhethoughtIwasjoking.YouShouldhaveheardhimlaugh.Minimum
wagesoundssopunyitisajoke."
Ontheporchshesankontotheglider,insteadofcontinuingintothehouse.Hedidn'tpushhisluckby
plunkinghimselfdownnexttoher.
Instead,hehalfsatontherailing,watchingassheidlyswung.Herlipsstillcurved;evenhereyeshelda
smile.Hewantedherwithsuddenferocity.Hedidhisdamnedesttohidethewayhismusclesclenched.
Butstillshesawenoughtomakehersmilefade

andhergazebecomewary.Hewassilentlycursinghimselfwhenherexpressionchangedyetagain.
"Oh!"sheexclaimed,hermouthroundinginsurprise.Shelaidherhandsoverherbellyandpressed.He
shottohisfeet."Issomethingwrong?"
"No.Oh,no."Thissmilewasincrediblygentleandhereyeshadsoftened."Heshejustdidsome
gymnastics.Atumblingran,Ithink."
Hishungerfoundanewchannel.Hecouldn'ttearhiseyesfromherbellywhereherslenderhandswere
splayed.Hewantedtofeelthelifeinsideher.Hisseed.Hisbaby.Hewantedtolifthershinoutofthe
wayandlayhisownhandthere,orevenhischeek,untilhissonordaughterstirredagain.Hewantedto
say,"Hi,kid.Thisisyourdad.Hopeit'sgoingokayinthere."
Heswallowedhard,thesilenceroaringinhisears.Hewasprobablyscaringheragain.Herethey'd
finallylaughedtogether,andhewasminingitbecausehewantedmore.
"Nathan."Shespokejustaboveawhisper."Wouldyou,um,wouldyouliketofeelhimmove?Ithinkyou
canifyouputyourhandhere."
Hewrenchedhisgazeup."Doyoumeanit?"heaskedhoarsely.
"Well,ofcourse!"Shetookadeepbreath."Ifyouwon'tbeembarrassed."
Shestoppedthegliderandhesatnexttoher,soclosehisthighpressedhers.Hereachedoutahandthat
shook,andshetookitinhersandspreaditonherbelly.Nathanclosedhiseyes,allhisconcentration
focusedonthepointofcontact.Hefelttheslightriseandfallasshebutelse.
Afteramomentheclearedhisthroat."Nothing'shappening."
"Itwill."
Hewaited.Stillnomovement.
"Overhere,"shemurmured,takinghishandagain.Sheliftedhershinandthistimelaidhishandonher
bareskin.
Silkandwarmthandunexpectedfirmness.Shewassoclosehefeltherbreath.Hecouldhavebenthis
headandkissedherbreast.Hammeredbyabarrageofsensations,hewonderedhowhecouldbearthis.
Andthenherbellyjumpedunderhishand.Astonished,heliftedhisgaze.Bethwassmiling."Youfelt
him?"
Moremovementshiveredbeneaththesurface,likeafishdisturbingaquietpool.
"Later,"shesaidsoftly,"littleknobswillpokeout.Fingersortoesorelbows.OrI'llbeabletofeelhis
hiccups.Andhe'llbeabletohearourvoices."
"Amazing."Incrediblejoyexpandedlikeaheliumballoon."He'sreallyinthere.Alive."
"Alreadyaperson."Thegentlecurveofhermouth,themistysoftnessofhereyes,almostundidhim."Our
sonordaughter."
Herstomachjerkedagainandshelaughedwithquietpleasure.Hewasgoingtokisshen'.Hehadtokiss
her.Hecouldn'tsurviveanothermomentwithouttouchingandtastinghermouth,sharingherbreath.
Hereyeswidened,hersmilefaded,buthesawnowariness,nopullingback.Shestudiedhimsolemnlyas
hebenthishead,brushedhertremulouslipswithhisown,groaned
Ahugesoberuptedbehindhim."Please!"Mandy

criedfromonlyfeetaway."Pleasedon'thaveababy!"

EarlierbeforeUncleNatehadcomeby,Mandywaslyingfacedownonherbedtrailingherfingersalong
thefloorforPollytopounceon.Shedidn'tfeelverygood;hernosewasstuffedupandshewastired.She
shouldtellMom;bothtimeswhenshe'dgottensickwithleukemia,ithadstartedwithstomachaches.For
Jessica,ithadbeenarunnynoseandfever.Thefirsttimeithadhappened,nobodyhadguessedanything
waswrongforweeksandweeks,becauseeveryonethoughtshejusthadacold.Ofcourse,sheand
Jessicahaddifferentkindsofleukemia,butmaybethistimeMandy'swasshowingitselfwithdifferent
symptoms.Attheveryleast,thedoctorswouldputheronanantibiotic,soshewouldn'tgetaninfection.
Themaintenancedrugsshetookweakenedherimmunesystem.
Butshedidn'twanttotellMom.Mandyrolledontoherbackandstaredupattheceiling.Hermother
alreadythoughtshewasdying.
Maybeifshedidn'ttellanybody,itwouldallbeoverquicker.Momcouldfeelsadforawhile,thenbe
happywiththenewbaby.
ButMandybetUncleNatewouldmissher.Hecamemostlytoseeher.
Shewasalmostsurehedid.Twonightsagothey'dplayedMonopolyforhoursandstillweren'tfinished
thegame.ShehadhotelsonBoardwalkandParkPlace,andhehadthemonthegreenPacific,
PennsylvaniaandNorthCarolinaAvenues.Plus,sheownedMarvinGardensandAtlanticandVentnor
Avenues.Hewasreallycooltoplaywith.Mostofherfriendssulkedwhentheywerelosingandthey
wantedtogiveuprightaway.Or,ifshewaslosing,they'dfeelsorryforherandwanttoexcuserentshe
owedsoshewouldn'thavetodropoutofthegame.
Eitherwaywasnofun.UncleNatewaslikeashark.Shebethe'dtakeherlastpennywithoutfeelingthe
leastbitapologetic.Buthealsojustgotmoredeterminedwhenthingsdidn'tlookgoodforhim.Nowthat
theywereevenlyenoughmatched,shebetthisgamewouldgoonfordays.Maybe,shethoughthopefully,
he'dcomeoverthisevening,althoughhehadn'tpromisedto.
Tirescrunchedinthegraveloutfront,andsherolledoffherbedtopeeroutthewindow.Itwashim.She
wasabouttoracedownstairstomeethim,buthe'djumpedoutofhiscarandwasheadingtowardthe
barn,notthehouse.HegrabbedthisbigboxoutofMom'shandseventhoughMomdidn'twanthimto,and
shetrailedafterhimlookingirritated.Mandycouldn'thearwhattheyweresaying,buttheyseemedtobe
arguing.Afteramoment,though,theywentbacktothebarn.
Shestayedatthewindow,watchingasUncleNatecarriedawholebunchofboxesofjamtothefront.
Whenhewasdone,he'dcomein.Sheknewhewould.Usuallyhecameinfirsttosayhitoher,evenifhe
hadtotalktoMomaboutsomething.
ButtheUPStruckcameandwent,andshedidn'thearthescreendoorslam.Whatweretheydoing?She
blewhernose,soheandMomwouldn'tbeabletotellshewascongested.Thenshesatontheedgeofher
bedagainandstrokedPolly,whoblinkedsleepilyupather.Polly'seyesglowedemeraldgreen,even
whentheywerehalf-closed.Mandycouldstare

intothemforagestheyweresuchanincrediblecolor,andsodeep,likethisfishingpoolontheSauk
RiverthatMandyrememberedseeingwithherdad.Sometimesshealmostthoughtshecouldtipforward
andfallintoPolly'sunblinkingcateyesandsinkwithoutatrace.
Sometimesshealmostwantedto.
Thehousewascompletelyquiet.Novoicesfloatedupthestairs,nodoorsslammed,nofootstepscreaked
onthestairsorinthehalldownstairs.Whatweretheydoing?
Finallyshehadtofindout,eventhoughshewashurtthatUncleNatehadn'tcomein.HadMombeen
reallymadathim?Maybehe'dleft.ButMandylookedandsawhiscarstillsittingrightinfrontofthe
house.
SoshegavePollyonelaststrokeandslippedoutofherroomanddownthestairs.
Thelivingroomandkitchenwereempty.Mom'sstudywas,too.Maybetheywerestilloutinthebarn.
Mandywashesitatinginthehallwhensheheardthe'rumbleofaman'svoice.Ontheporch,then.
Sheopenedthescreensoquietlytheydidn'thearhercomeout.Theydidn'tseeher,either.UncleNatesat
rightnexttoMomontheglider.AsMandywatched,Momliftedhishandunderhershirt,ontoher
stomach.Asecondlaterhisheadshotup.
"Youfelthim?"Momwastalkinglikeitwasthemostincrediblethingonearth."Later,"shesaid,"little
knobswillpokeout.Fingersortoesorelbows.OrI'llbeabletofeelhishiccups.Andhe'llbeableto
hearourvoices."
"Amazing.He'sreallyinthere.Alive."UncleNate'svoicehadawonderingnote.He'dneversoundedthat
wayaboutanythingMandyhaddone.
Anditwasn'tlikethebabyhaddoneanythingyet,Mandythoughtresentfully.
"Alreadyaperson,"Momsaid."Oursonordaughter."
WhatamI?Mandywantedtowail.Justsomekidwhowon'tbearoundtobeabothermuchlonger?Her
fingerscurledintofistssotighttheyhurt.Lookatthem!Theyweretheywerelikeafamily,onlywithout
her.TheyhadababytogetherandUncleNatewasgoingtokissMom.PainburnedinMandy'schest.He
washeretoseeMom.
Probablyheneverhadcometoseeher.
"Please!"Thewordsweretornfromher."Pleasedon'thaveababy!"
UncleNateswungtofaceher;Mom,handpressedtohermouth,halfrosetoherfeet."Mandy!"
"Iwon'tleaveyou!"HottearspoureddownherfaceandshecouldhardlyseeMomandUncleNate."I
promiseIwon'tdie!Ipromise,Ipromise,Ipromise!Wedon'tneedanybaby!"
UncleNategottoherfirst.Hisarmscrushedherintoahugandshesobbedagainsthisstomach.Thenshe
feltMom'shandsonhershoulders,turningher.
"Sweetheart!"MomframedMandy'sfacewithherhandsandtilteditup.
"Ofcourseyouwon'tdie!We'renothavingababytoreplaceyou!Isthatwhatyouthink?"
Shenoddeddumbly,tearsrunningdownhercheeksandmucusdownherupperlip.
"AmandaMcCabe,Iloveyoumorethananythingoranybodyintheworld."
Mom'svoicebroke."Don'tyouknowthat?"
Shedid,kindof.ButthebabywouldbeMom's

too,andshe'dlovehimmorethananythingoranybodyintheworld,too,wouldn'tshe?Morethan
anybodymightmean,morethanher,Mandy.
"Wedon'tneedhim,"shemumbled,sniffing.
"Mandy..."Momlookedsosohopeless,asthoughshedidn'tknowwhattosayordo.Mandyhadnever
seenherlikethatbefore.Momalwayssaidpositivethingsandactedasifshewasneveroutofcontrol.A
bigsighmadehershoulderssag."Ithinkwe'dbettertalk."
Mandycouldn'tquitcrying.Tearsrolleddownhercheeksandintohermouthanddrippedoffherchin.
Shenoddedconvulsivelyandhiccuped.
BehindherthescreendoorslammedandasecondlaterUncleNatethrustatissueather.
Mandysnatchedthetissueandburiedherfaceinit.Thehorribleshufflingsoundsthatcameouthumiliated
her.She'dmadesuchafoolofherself!She'dneverdoneanythinglikethis!
ShefoundherselfensconcedonthegliderwithMom.AfewfeetawayUncleNateleanedagainstthe
porchrailing,armscrossed,hisbrowsdrawnferociouslytogether.Hewassotall,rearingoverthem.
Mandycouldn'tmeethiseyes.Hemustthinkshewassomekindofidiot.
Momspokeinhergentlestvoice."Mandy,love,whydidn'tyousayanythingbefore?"
Throughthehumiliationandtheterrorandthetears,heroriginalresentmentlifteditshead."Whatgood
wouldithavedone?"shecried."Youdidn'tgivemeanychoice!Youjustwentanddidit.Sowhyshould
wetalkaboutit?"
"Sometimesparentshavetomakedecisionstheirkidsdon'tagreewith.ButwhenIhavetodothat,I
alwayshopeyou'lllistentomyreasons.Don'tIlistentoyou?"
"Onlywhenyouwantto."Mandyblewhernoseagain."Otherwise,youdon'taskmyopinionsoyoudon't
havetolisten."
Momflinched."Okay,you'rescaredI'lllovethisbabymorethanIloveyou.That'snot...unnatural.Most
onlychildrenfeelthatwaywhentheyfindoutthey'regoingtohaveabrotherorsister.Butdoanyofyour
friends'motherslovethemlessbecausethere'reotherkidsinthefamily?"
Mandyhunchedhershoulderswretchedly."Kaylacouldn'ttakethatartclass,eventhoughshe'sareally
greatartistandshedesperatelywantedto,becauseherbrotheralreadyhadfootball.Remember?"
"That'stime,notlove."
"Ifyoureallylovesomebody,you'dhavetimeforthem."
"Thereareparentswhoworktwojobsjusttopaythebills.Doesthatmeantheydon'tlovetheir
children?"
MiseryburnedinMandy'schest."No,"shewhispered.
"Mandy,"hermothersaid,"Iloveyou.IpromisedIwouldn'tletyoudie.I'lldoanythingtokeepthat
promise.OnethingIcando,thankstoyourUncleNate,isgiveyouonemoregoodchancetohaveabone-
marrowdonor."Hereyeswerefierce,unblinking."Thisbaby"sheputherhandonherbelly"isyour
bestchanceyet.Ifhe'snotcompatible,I'llgetpregnantagain."Shespacedthenextwords

out,herintensitymakingeachhardandpure."Iwilldoanythingforyou."
Mesmerizedbyhermother'sglitteringeyes,Mandyfeltshameflushhercheeks.Shedidknowthat.She
alwayshad.Sheopenedhermouthandtriedtospeak,buthermotherswepton.
"Iwilldothisevenifitmakesyoujealous.I'lldoiteventhoughIknowI'lllovethisbabyjustas
passionatelyasIloveyou,andthatmighthurtyou.ButIwillnever"hervoiceshook"loveyouany
lessthanIdidthedayyouwereborn,andanylessthanIdotoday.Doyouunderstand?"
FreshtearsgushedsofastMandythoughtherbodymustbewringingitselfout."Yes!"shewailed.
"Oh,honey."Momwrappedherarmsaroundher."Oh,honey,I'msosorryyou'vebeenfeelingthisway.I
wasanidiotfornottellingyou.Iwastryingtosaveyoufromworrying,andlookwhatIdid!Shh,don't
crysohard.You'llmakeyourselfsick.Shh."ShekeptmurmuringasMandysobbed.Mom'sarmswere
tight,andthegliderbeganagentlemovementthatwasobscurelycomforting.
Itseemedlikeforeverbeforehertearsslowedandfinallystopped.
Mom'sshirtunderhercheekwassoaked.Mandyknewwhatshelookedlikewhenshe'dbeencrying:her
faceblotchedred,hernoserunning,hereyesswollenpracticallyshut.Shecouldn'tliftherhead,notwith
UncleNatestillstandingtherewatching.Hemustdespiseher!
AfteramomenthermothermurmuredsomethingandhandedMandysomemoretissues.Hemusthavegot
themfromthehouse,sherealized.Turnedawayfromhim,sheblewhernoseagainandmoppedher
cheeksandthendefiantlylookedup.
Hewassmilingather,hismouthkindofcrookedsoshecouldtellhewassadunderneath."Youknow,"he
said,"theonlyreasonIagreedtohavethisbabywasyou.IguessI'mstartingtoliketheideaofbeinga
father,butnomorethanIliketheideaof...well,standinginforRobwithyou.Thissisterorbrother
you'regoingtohavecan'ttakeyourplacewithme.Bythetimehe'soldenoughtotakemeoninMonopoly,
you'llbegrown-upandoffatcollege."
Itwastruethebabywouldn'tbeabletodostufflikeplaygames.Alittlebitcheered,Mandymumbled,
"It'sokayifyoudon'tlikemeasmuch.Imean,hewillbeyours."
Thistimehegrinned,andshecouldseethatwhatshe'dguessedwastrue,itreallywas.Hedidloveher.
Evenifhehadn'tcomeintothehousetodaytosayhellotoherfirst.Hereachedoutandruffledherbangs.
"AsfarasI'mconcerned,kiddo,"hesaidgruffly,"you'remine,too."
"Oh,"shesaidshyly."I...I'mgladyou'rehere,UncleNate."
Afterthatheinsistedhehadtogo.Momdidn'targueandevenMandydidn't.Shefeltshakyandclingyand
oh,aboutfiveyearsold,nottwelve.Justfornow,shewantedhermotherandnobodyelse.
Shelaidherheadagainsthermother'sbreastandclosedhereyes.
NeitherofthemmoveduntilafterUncleNate'scarwasgone.
ThenMomletoutalittlepuffofbreathagainst

Mandy'shair."Doyouworryallthetimeaboutdying?"
Mandydidn'tsayanythingforalongtime.Itwashardto.Shewasoutofpractice.WouldMomgetmad
again?Ortellhershewassilly?
Butallthetearshadleftherfeelingweakandoddlycalm.
"Prettymuch."Sherubbedhercheekagainsthermother.Shelovedhermother'ssoftnessandsmellandthe
quietbeatofherheart."Well,notallthetime.Notsomuchintheday.Imean,mostlyI'mbusy.Butat
night..."Sheletherwordshang.
Mom'sbreathcaughtraggedly."Butwhy,why,haven'tyoueversaidanything?Tothinkofyoualonein
yourbedroomworryingaboutdying..."
"IguessIthought"Mandyhesitated"youwouldn'tunderstandifIaskedyouaboutdying.Or"she
triednottosoundasthoughsheminded"you'dgetmadandtellmeI'mnotgoingtodie."
Momwassilentforafewheartbeats.Thenherarmstightenedconvulsivelyandshebowedherhead
againstMandy's."Ididthatonce,didn'tI?"sheasked,chokingup.
Mandydidn'tanswer.Momdistinctlysniffedbeforeansweringherownquestion."Idid.I...Ijustwasn't
ready.Icouldn'tbeartothink..."Hervoicebroke.
TearshadbeguntoseepfromMandy'seyesontoMomshirtagain."Iknow,"shewhispered.
"Butthatwassolongago."Momstraightened,takingherarmsfromaroundMandyandturninghertoface
her.Herfacewaswet,too."I'vetriedtotalktoyou,overandover.Hundredsoftimes!DidyouthinkI'd
asked"
Hadshe?ConfusionmomentarilycloudedMandy'sthoughts.Thatwaswhatshe'dalwaystoldherselfthat
Momwouldgetmad.Butitwasn'treallytrue,shesawnow."Iguess,"shesaidslowly,"Ididn'twantto
tellyouhowscaredIwas.Ididn'twantyoutotellmeyouwerescared,too."
Browwrinkling,Momstaredather."ItmadeyoufeelsaferifIdidn'tadmitIwasscared?Idon't
understand."
Mandylookeddown.Inarushshesaid,"Becauseifyouweren'tscared,Ididn'treallyhavetobe.Evenif
sometimesIwas."
Mommadealittlegaspingsound.HerfingerssqueezedMandy'supperarms.Thenshehuggedheragain.
AgainstMandy'shairshemurmured,"You'rebraverthanI'lleverbe.You'vebeenafraidforyears,and
youkeptquiet."Mandyfeltherswallow."Oh,honey."
Notnow,buttonightwhenshewenttobed,Mandythought,shewouldtalktohermotheraboutdyingand
whethertherewouldbeheavenornothingness,ormaybeyougotreincarnatedasapersonoracatora
bug.Somegrossbug.She'dthoughtaboutthatbefore.Sheneversteppedonevenanantifshecouldhelp
it.Butrightnowshefelttoomuchatpeacetotalkaboutdying.
Shelayquietlyagainsthermotherforalongwhile,untilherneckstartedtohurtfrombeinginsuchan
awkwardposition.Whenshestirred,Momlethergo.Mandysatup."Mom.CanIfeelthebabymove?"
MomlookedsosurprisedMandyhunchedhershoulders."It'sokay.It'snobigdeal.Ijust...Iheardyou
talkingand"

"Ofcourseyoucan!"Momlaughed,althoughhereyeswerepuffy,too,andshehadtosniffagain."Inever
suggesteditbecauseIthoughtyouwerehappierpretendingIwasn'tpregnant.But...oh,it'ssuchafunny
feeling.Let'ssee."Shejiggledalittleandthensatstill,aninward-lookingexpressiononherface."Ishe
stillThere!"ShegrippedMandy'shandandlaiditonherstomachunderhershirt.Herstomachfelthard.
Andthenitjerked,wentstill,thenrippled,allwithoutMommovingamuscle.Mandypulledherhand
back.
"Hey!"
"Youjustmetyourbrotherorsister,"Momsaidsolemnly.
Mandygotgoosebumps."Weird,"shewhispered.
"Yeah,itis,whenyouthinkaboutit."Mom'sexpressionchanged."Kiddo,youneedabath.Yourfaceisa
mess.Lookatyou,yournoseisstillrunning!Comeon."Sheeasedtoherfeet,drawingMandywithher.
"Mom"
"Wecantalkmorelater,can'twe?Aren'tyoustarved?Whydon'tIputondinnerwhileyou"
"Mom,listentomeforaminute."
Hermotherfroze,hermouthstillforminganO.Mandytookadeepbreath."Mom,I'vegotacold.Or
something."Shewaitedforthepanic,thedread,therushforathermometerandawarmsweaterandthe
carkeys.
ButMomonlyreachedoutandtouchedherforeheadandfrownedslightly."Soyoudo!Oh,dear,it'llmean
anantibiotic.Heck,I'llgoseeifwhoever'soncallatthehospitalcanphoneonetoHoward'sDrugs."
Momwaspretending.Shemustbe.Becauseshe,Mandy,hadtoldhershedidn'twanttoknowwhenMom
wasscared.
"Butthey'llhavetoseeme..."
"Oh,Idoubtit."Momgentlypushedhertogoahead."Remember,youjusthadyourbloodworkup.And
everybodygetscolds."
TheknotinMandy'schestloosened."But...butwhenIgotsick..."
"Iknow."Momkissedherontopofherheadandletthescreendoorclosebehindthem."Butyouget
colds,too.Iusedtoalwaysgetscared.Iguessyounoticed,huh?ButIdon'tthinkthistimetheleukemia
couldpossiblyhavecomebackthatfast.Anddon'tIrememberyousayingsomethingaboutBarbara
missingschoolbecauseshehadacold?"
"Oh,yeah.Yeah!"Mandybouncedonhertoes,thengaveahop."Cool!Ithought..."
"...youweredying."
MandyrealizedMomwasteasingher.Incredible.Hergigglefeltgood."Yeah!Thanks,Mom."She
bouncedagain."Tmgonnagotakeabath,okay?"
"Okay."
Mandypouredbubblebathundertherunningwater.Whenthetubwasfull,shesankintothehotwater
feelingaslightandshimmeryasthebubbles.Itwasn'tdyingshethoughtaboutorherthroatgettingraw,
butthefunnywayhermother'sstomachhadshiftedunderherhand.Sheclosedhereyesandpictureda
babyareallytinybaby-doingasomersault.

OrmaybespinningaroundinsideMomlikeshewasdoingnowinthebathtub.
Shesmiledandsanklowerinthewateruntilthebubblestickledherchin.

CHAPTERELEVEN

Bethhatedhospitalwaitingrooms.Theysmelledalike.Theyfeltalike,howeverhomeythedecor.Dozens
ofmagazinesthroughwhichpeopleleafedwithoutevertakinginaword.Atelevisionthatchatteredon
onewall,unheard.Aviewofaparkinglot.Comfortablechairsthatnobodyrelaxedin.Tension,fear,like
thefumerisingfromnewcarpeting.
Thistime,Beththoughtsemihystericallyatleastshehadn'tachilddyingdownthehall.Shewasonly
waitingtoheartheresultofheramniocentesis.Onlyaverdictonherunbornbaby'shealthandMandy's
future.Thatwasall.
Shedrummedherfingersonthesmoothoakarmofherchair,thenrosetogazeoutthewindowatthe
peoplehurryingtoandfromcars.Herappointmenthadbeentwentyminutesago.Whythedelay?Didit
meanbadnews?
Ofcourseitdidn't!Doctorswerealwaysbehind.There'dbeentimesshe'dhadthefirstappointmentofthe
dayandfoundthedoctoralreadylate.Theyhademergencies.Patientsinhospitalbeds.
Rounds.Consultations.Herappointmentwasroutine.Itcouldwait.
Shecrumpledbackintothechair.ButIcan'twait!shecriedinside.
Ifthedoctorhadagrainofsensitivity,hehadtoknowhowanxiousshewas!Anxious.

Whatamildword.Onewasanxiousaboutgoingtothedentist.Anxiouswhenadistributorcalledto
complainthatamajororderwasoverdue.Anxiousforachecktoarrive.
No,shewasflat-outterrified.
"Mrs.McCabe?"
Sheshottoherfeet,clutchingherpurse."Yes?"
Thenursesmiledpleasantly."Dr.Simonsonisreadytoseeyou."
Beth'sfeetrootedtothefloor.ButI'mnotready."shethoughtinpanic,fullyawareoftheabsurdityofher
reaction.Hewasgoingtostealherhopeandpresentherwiththetruth,howevercrushing,instead.
"Oh.Fine."Sheshiftedherpurseunnecessarilyfromhandtohand,touchedonepalmtoherstomachinan
instinctiveneedforreassuranceandwasansweredbyastirwithin.
Thenursewaitedinthedoorway."Ifyou'llfollowme?"
"Yes.Ofcourse."Shemustlooklikeanidiot,standingherefrozen.
Somehowherfeetcameunstuck;shewaswalkingdownthewidehospitalcorridor,intohisoffice.
Howthemancouldmakeacareeroftreatingyoungcancerpatients,shehadneverunderstood.Despite
advancesintreatment,hemustlosesomany!ButDr.Simonsonwasperhapsfortyandhadspecializedin
juvenileoncologyfromthebeginning.
Whenhewasten,hisbrotherdiedofleukemia,hehadtoldheronce.
Thelosshadfiredhimtodevotehislifetodefeatingthatparticularenemy.Hewasbig,withhandsthat
shouldhavebeenclumsy.Carrotredhairwasrecedingwithoutitappearingtotroublehim.
Hisblueeyesusuallytwinkled,althoughshehadseenhimcryonce.SheandMandybothlovedhim,as
muchasyoucanlovesomeonewithsuchterriblepower.
Whitelabcoatrumpledasalways,heleaptup,smiling,toshakeherhand.Shesankagainintoachair,this
timeinfrontofhisdesk.Heperchedontheedgeofitandstartedtalkingimmediately.Thingslookedgood
withthebaby,hesaid;sheheardhimfromsomegreatdistance.Didshewanttoknowifitwasagirlor
boy?
Bethstaredmutelyupathim.Heunderstood,fortheimpishtwinkleinhiseyesblazedintowholehearted
joy.
"Thebabyisgoingtobecompatible,"Dr.Simon-sonsaidquietly."Ithinkwehaveaperfect,six-out-of-
six,bone-marrow-antigenmatch."
Compatible.He'dsaidcompatible.Shecouldn'thavemisunderstood,couldshe?
Heseizedher.hands."Didyonhearme,Beth?Ihadquestionsinmymindaboutyourdoingthis,but
damnedifitwasn'tjustified.ThisbabyisgoingtobeMandy'smiracle."
Thefirsttearsrolleddownhercheeks.Otherwise,sheseemedparalyzed."DearGod,"shewhispered.
"You'resure?"
"Sureaswecanbe."Hesnatchedupalabreportfromhisdeskandbegantalking,butnotaword
penetrated.
She'dwon.She'dkeptherpromisetoMandy.ThischildinsideherwasMandy'smiracle.Suddenlyshe
hadtoburyherfaceinherhands.Tearsdrippedbetweenherfingers.

Thankyou.IfYou'relistening,thankyou.

Shecould,ofcourse,havehadcompanyduringhertorturouswait.
Nathanwouldhavecomewithher;infact,latelyhe'dbeenaskingwithexasperatinginsistencewhenshe
wastohaveheramniocentesis.Shehadmanagedtobevaguewithoutexactlyrefusingtoanswer.
Shehardlyevenknewwhyshehadbeensofixedoncomingalone.She'dknownonlythat,ifthenewswas
bad,shewantedtocrawlintohidingallbyherself.Shedidn'twantcomfort,notevenashouldertocryon.
Shealonehadfoughttoconceivethisbaby;ifthebaby'stissuehadprovednottobecompatiblewith
Mandy's,Bethneededtodealalonewiththeknowledgebeforesheacceptedorgavesympathy.
But,oh,hewascompatible.He.Sheknewthatnow,too;herbabywasaboy.Shewantedsuddenly,
desperately,nottobestandingaloneinahospitalcorridor.
Otherpeoplepassedwithoutevenglancingather,somewithanairofurgencyandtension,others,likea
pairofoff-dutynurses,laughing.
Anorderlypushinganemptywheelchairgaveheravaguesmileandshealmostgrabbedhimandsaid,
"I'mgoingtohaveababyboy!Andhe'sgoingtosavemydaughter'slife!"Butshesawthathismindwas
somewhereelseandshelethimpass.
ShewishedshecouldtellMandy,butshe'dhavetowaituntilfour,whenherdaughtergothomefrom
school.Herwatchsaidonefifty-three.Twohoursandsevenminutesseemedlikeforever.
Nathan.Beth'smindfastenedontothenameandtheimageoftheman,tall,quiet,dark.Nathanwouldwant
toknowalmostasmuchasshehad.Hemightbeangrybecauseshe'dcomealone,buthe'dforgetitquickly
enough.Eagernow,Bethhurriedtowardtheexit.
Behindthewheelofhercarshesatforamoment,imaginingthemomentwhenshetoldMandy.Itwas
temptingtocallheratschool,butsomenewswastooemotionallyladentohearinacrowd.Onlytwo
hours.
HowwouldMandyreact?Bethwondered.Beforetheexplosionaweekago,sheprobablywouldhave
givenasmallcollectednod,thenretreatedtoherroom.Now?Ifherdaughtertried,Bethknewbetterthan
tolethergetawaywithit.Theywouldtalk,evenifthatmeantcrying,too.
BethdrovetoNathan'sinadaze.Sheglancedatherselfintherearviewmirrorandsawherownfoolish
smile.Amazingly,unbelievably,Mandyactuallyhadadonor.Allshehadtodowasstayhealthyuntilhe
wasoldenough.Theimpossible,thebucketofgoldattheendoftherainbow,theHolyGrail,wastheirs.
She'dhopedsomanytimes.Prayed.RailedatGod.Andnow.Shetouchedherstomachandlaughedout
loud.
Hiscarwasinitsslot,thankheaven.Whatifshe'dhadtogohomeandcontainherselffortheentiretwo
hours,nothavingasoultotell?Shemighthavehadtowakeherbrotherupinthemiddleofthenightin
SaudiArabia.
WhenNathanflungthedooropen,hehadacellphonetooneearandwasshovinghisfreehandthrough
hishair."Yeah?"hesnapped,beforehesawwhowasonhisdoorstep."No,no,notyou,"hesaid

intothephoneashisgazeandBeth'sheld."Listen,"headdedbrusquely,"something'scomeup.I'llget
backtoyou."Withoutwaitingforareply,heturnedthephoneoffandpusheddowntheantenna.
"Issomethingwrong?"Nathanasked.
Shewastakinginthesightofhiminthosesame,baggyblacksweatpantssherecognizedthetearinone
kneeandaStanfordUniversityT-shirt.
"Stanford.YoutransferredtoStanfordafteryouandRobfought."
"Huh?"HeglanceddownathisT-shirt."Oh.Yeah.Whatdifferencedoesitmake?"
Whenhebackedupshesteppedoverthethreshold.
"What?"heaskedroughly."Youhavenews.Damnit,isitgoodorbad?"
"Ihadmyamniocentesis."Inexplicably,tearsrandownherfaceagain.
"It'saboy.Thebaby,Imean."
"Aboy."Wondershowedbrieflyinhiseyes.Itwaschasedawayalmostimmediately."Hedoesn'tmatch.
Oh,myGod,Beth..."Hereachedclumsilyforher.
"No!Wait!"Sheheldoutbothhandstofendhimoff."Hedoes!Dr.Simonsonsayshe'salmostcertainlya
match!"
Nathanfroze."Thenwhyareyoucrying?"
"Idon'tknow!"shewailed,andtumbledintohisarms.
Helaughedandswungheroffherfeet."Damn,Beth!You'resure?They'resure?"
Throughhertears,shetoldhim,"Theycan'tguarantee,butDr.Simonsonseemedpositive.Hecalledthe
babyMandy'smiracle."
Nathan'sarmsloosenedandhestilled."Mandy'smiracle.Incredible."
"Youwereright.You'rethemiracleworker.Withoutyou..."
"Mypartwasprettyminor,"hesaiddryly."Studservice."'
Shelookedupintohisface,hereyesdrenchedwithtearsbuthergazegrave."Onlyyouwouldhavedone.
Ifyouhadn'tcomewhenIcontactedyou,andifyouhadn'tagreedtobecomeafather..."
Hedidn'tseemtobelistening."HaveyoutoldMandyyet?"
Sheshookherhead."You'refirst."
"What'sshegoingtosay?"
"Idon'tknow."Bethwassilentforamoment,suddenlyawarethatNathan'sarmswerestillaroundher,
thatifonlyhetippedhishead,theirmouthscouldmeet."LastweekMandyadmittedthatshethinksabout
dyingallthetime.Especiallyatnight."
Hishandsreachedupandthreadedthroughherhair."Nowshecanquit."
Theskinonhisneckwassmoothandbrown,hisjawclean-shaven.
Swallowing,Bethsaid,"Thisisn'taseasyasapillshecanpop.Ideallythetransplantshouldn'tbedone
untilthebabyisatleastsixmonthsold.That'salmostayearaway.Shehastostaystrongthatlong.Evenif
wegetthatfar,therearestillrisks.Theyhavetokillallherbone-marrowcells,youknow.Andthen
sometimesthebodyrejectsatransplant."
Silentforalongmoment,hisemotionsplaininhiseyes,hesaidatlast,"Howhaveyoustooditallthese
years?"
"WhatelsecouldIdo?"sheaskedsimply.

"IwishI'dbeenhere."Hisjawworked."Youshouldn'thavebeenalone."
Nowthatshewasn't,Bethcouldn'tunderstandwhyshe'dwantedtobealonetoday.Nathanwouldhave
heldherhandinthewaitingroom.Hisstrengthmighthavelessenedherfear.
"Youdon'thavetobealone,"hemurmured,un-cannilyechoingherthoughts."Notagain."
Asecondlaterhismouthtouchedhers,asdelicatelyasifhewashandlingaripetenderberry.Sheclosed
hereyesandfeltthesweetnessburstinsideher,freeingatideoflongingandgratitudeandNo,notlove,
surelynotlove!But,oh,hislipsweresogentle,soaffectionate,coaxinghertofeelimpossiblethings.His
bighandsframingherfacewerejustasgentle,histhumbsdrawingcirclesonhertemplesandcheekbones
andoverherclosedeyes.Passionwascuriouslyabsentfromthiskiss;withhismouth,Nathanconveyed
admirationandcongratulationandjoy.Friendship.
Thewrenchinherhearttoldhershewantedmore.Abruptlyhismouthlefthersandheturnedherinhis
arms,untiltheywrappedaroundherfrombehind.Hepressedhertohim;shediscoveredthatpassionhad
not,afterall,beenaltogetherabsent,becausehewasaroused.Buthedidn'tcupherbreastsornibbleher
neck.Instead,hishandssplayedopenoverherbelly.
"Aboy,"hemurmuredagainstherhair,andsheheardagainthatwonder.
Buttherewassomethingmore.Hesoundedchoked,asthough.Atear,wetandhot,sliddownherneck,
andsheunderstoodthathehadn'twantedhertoseehimcry."ThankGod.
WithoutMandy"Hestopped,audiblyswallowed,continuedinapainfullygrittyvoice,"Iwasafraidif
hecouldn'thelpher,andwe'dlovehim,butwe'dblamehim,too."
Hereyesburnedwithnewtears."No.Wewouldn'thave.We'dhavelovedhimforwhathewas,justlikeI
loveMandy.NathanMcCabe,you'renotthekindofmanwho'daskababytoberesponsibleforsomeone
else'sfate."
"Heis,though."
"Inadvertently.Butit'sa...ablessing."Shestruggledtoexplain.
"Agift.Notsomethinghehadtobe."
"Ihopeyou'refight."Nathanwassilentforamoment."AreyougoingtonamehimafterRob?"
"No.Oh,no!"Theideawasinstantlyrepugnanttoher."He'snotRob'sbaby.He'syours.I...Ithoughtof
Patrick,afteryourfather."Itwashardtospeakatallnormallywithhisbodyandhandsonherso
intimately."Whatdoyouthink?"
"IlikePatrick,"Nathansaidhuskily."Whatwasyourfather'sname?"
"Joe.Joseph."
"PatrickJosephMcCabe.Hasaniceringtoit."
"Mmm-hmm."Shecouldhardlythinkwithhishandsstillwrappedaroundherwaist.
"Idon'tfeelhimmoving."
"No.IthinkhesleepswhenI'mupandaround."
"Thebettertoplagueyouatnight."
"Yes."
Nathantookadeepbreathandliftedhishandsfromherbelly.Theyshook,andhecurledthemintofistsas
hesteppedbackfromher.

Bethsniffedandslowlyturnedtofacehim.He'dswipedawayanybetrayingtears,buthiseyeswere
reddened.Hedidn'tseemtohaveanymoreideawhattosaythanshedid.Theylookedateachother,Beth
feelingasawkwardasafifteen-year-oldaloneforthefirsttimewiththeboyshehadacrushon.
"I...I'dbettergo."Shetookasteptowardthedoor,assumingNathanwouldmoveoutofherway."Mandy
willbehomesoon."
Hestayedblockingherpath."Canwecelebrate?Howaboutdinnertonight?Somewherereallyfancy.Or
wouldMandyhatethat?"
Bethseizedonthesubjectofherdaughter."Areyoukidding?She'stwelve.Twelve-year-oldsliketofeel
glamorous.She'llbesureshelooksatleastfourteen."
Hismouthtiltedintothatheart-stoppingsmile."I'lltellherso.Sixo'clock?"Someoftheemotionlefthis
face."Unlessyou'dratherbealonewithherthisevening.It'syourcelebration."
"Ours,"shesaidfirmly."Sixsoundsgreat."
Hewalkedherouttohercarandopenedthedoorforher,asifshewastoofragiletomakeitonherown.
Bethslippedinbehindthewheel.
Handstillonthedoor,Nathangazeddownather.
"YouknowI'dhavegonewithyou."
Shestaredfixedlyahead."Yes.Youoffered."
"Thenwhythehellgothroughitalone?"Suddenlyhewasscowling."Don'tyouhaveafriendwho'dhave
gonewithyouifyoudidn'twantme?"
"Ididn'twantanybody."ItwasNathanshe'dthoughtoffirstafterMandy.Shehadneverconsideredasking
anyoneelse.
"Youcanbedamnedstubborn,"heinformedher.
"Iknow,"Bethsaidwithunaccustomedmeekness."Ifelt...likeIshouldtakeresponsibility.Itwasmy
idea,suchadrasticstep,andthechancesstillonlyoneinfour.Ithought...Iwasafraid..."
Athoughtfulscrutinyhadreplacedthescowl."Afraidhewouldn'tbecompatible."
"Yes."Nowshestareddownatherlap."Iwassoscared.Sometimesit'seasiertopretendtoyourselfthan
tootherpeople."
"I'msorry."Hisvoiceheldthathuskynoteagain."Ishouldn'tchewyouout.Itwasyourdecision."
Butshe'dhurthim,sheguessed,byleavinghimout."Icamestraighthere,"shesaid.
Heonlyraisedaneyebrow."Wouldyouhave,ifthenewshadbeenbad?"
Withoutwaitingforheranswerhenoddedgoodbyeandslammedherdoor.
Shealmostrolleddownherwindowandlied."Yes.OfcourseIwouldhave."Orwasitalie?Butshe
didn'tknow,hadn'ttheslightestideawhatshe'dhavedone,whereshe'dhavegone.Thewillowtree?Her
bed,likeachildwhohadnoplaceelseasrefuge?OrmaybeshewouldhavegonetoNathan,who'dhave
understoodasnooneelsecould.Who,shesawnow,lovedMandy.Perhapsnotquitewithamother's
ferocity,butwithnearlyafather's.
ShemadeithomewithfifteenortwentyminutestosparebeforeMandyarrived.Notthatshecouldmake
anyusewhatsoeverofthetime.Shetriedsittingonthegliderandfoundherselfjumpingbacktoherfeet.
Shesatontherailingandswungherlegs,movedtotheporchsteps,paced.Finallyshegrabbedher
gardenglovesandcleaneduptheflowerbedstoeach

sideofthesteps,deadheadingOctoberastersandgatheringarmfulsofbrownfoliagefromearlier
perennials.Therosewaspast;alreadyitwasforminghipsthatbyChristmaswouldbeglossyornaments
hangingfromthebarethornyarmsoftheclimber.
Therumbleoftheschoolbusinthedistancebroughthertoherfeet.
ItsquealedtoastopdowntheroadwheretheJamesonkidsgotoff,lumberedtoastartagainandfinally
appearedthroughthealders,whichhadlostmostoftheirleaves.Shewaitedinunbearablesuspenseas
thebusslowedandstoppedagain,thedoorsopened,andMandyfinallyhoppedout,turningtowaveather
friendsasthebusstruggleduptospeedagain.ThenMandybeganpokingherwaydownthedriveway,
kickingatyellowleaves.
Bethcouldn'tstandit.Shemovedtomeetherdaughter,firststrollingasthoughshehadnoparticular
reason,thenfasterandfasteruntilshewasrunning.
Mandyliftedherhead"Mom?"
Bethreachedherlikeawhirlwind.ThankGodshewaslaughinginsteadofcrying,asshegrabbed
Mandy'sshouldersandtwirledherarounduntiltheywerebothdizzy.
Mandypulledawayandbackedup,staggeringalittlewhenherfoothitunevenground,butnotseemingto
notice."Mom?"Hervoicewasthready."Whyareyouactinglikethis?"
"Hematches."Bethbegantotrembleallover."Youfinallyhaveadonor."
"He..."Herdaughter'sgazedartedtoherstomach."Youmean,him?"
"Yourbrother.PatrickJosephMcCabe."
"It'saboy?"Mandystaredathermother,eyeswideanddark.
Stunned.
"Yep.AndDr.Simonsonsayshe'sanalmostcertainmatch.Six-out-of-sixantigens;hethinks."
"You...you'dtellmethetruthifhedidn'tmatch,wouldn'tyou?"Mandy'sfacewastooold."Youwouldn't
lietomakemefeelbetter?"
"Ihaveneverliedaboutyourillness,"Bethsaidwithquietintensity."Ineverwill.Wehaveourmiracle."
Mandy'stearscamewithachild'ssuddenness,belyinghertoo-wiseeyes.Herbackpackdroppedwitha
thudtotheground,andshesobbedagainsthermother'sshoulderasthoughhopehadbeensnatchedaway,
notgiventoher.Butwiththememoryofherownwars,Bethunderstood.
Theydriedupeventually,withsniffles,blownnoseandafewfreshbursts.BethcarriedMandy'spackand
theywalkedslowlyupthedrive,brownleavescracklinganddisintegratingunderfoot.Soonitwouldbe
raining,andthensnowmightcome,andChristmas,andanewyear.AndinFebruary,ababy.Amiracle.
"Mom?"
"Willithurt?"Mandy'svoicewassmall.
"Youmean,hurtthebaby?Whentheytakethebonemarrow?"Atherdaughter'snod,Bethgaveheraquick
hug."No.Actually,whenhe'sborn,thedoctorswillcollectstemcellsfromhisumbilicalcord,insteadof
justtossingit.Yourhealthpermitting,thedoctorswillstorethosecellsuntilPatrickisaboutsix

monthsold,whenthey'llusealongneedleandtakeadditionalbonemarrowcellsfromhishipandmix
themwiththestemcells.Theytellmethepainisslightandtherisksforhimminimal."
Mandynodded.Theyreachedtheporchstepsandsheploppeddown.Bethfollowedsuitandwaited.
"DoesthismeanI'llgetwellforsure?"
IfBethhadn'tswornalwaystobehonest,shemighthaveliednow.ButMandyhadfacedtoomuch
unblinkinglynottodeservethetruth.
"Well,firstyouhavetostayhealthyuntilPatrick'soldenoughtodothetransplant.AndthenDr.Simon-
sonsaysthechancesofacureareaboutseventypercent.Youknowthattheradiationneededtokillyour
owncellsisrisky,andthere'salwaysasmallchanceyourbodywillrejectthetransplantedmarrow."
Mandystaredahead,thinkingitover.Afteramomentshenodded."Youwon'tblamePatrickifitdoesn't
work,willyou?"
SomebodymightjustaswellhavechoppedBeth'sheartintwo."No,"shesaidtremulously."We'lllove
himnomatterwhat,Ipromise.He'sHe'salreadyapersontome."
Mandyscootedoverafewinchesuntilherhipbumpedhermother's."I'mgoingtobeagoodbigsister.
He'llneverbesorryforwhathehadtogothroughforme."
"No."Bethcouldjustgetthewordsout."No,Idon'tthinkhe'lleverbesorry."
Mandylaidherheadagainsthermothersshoulder."Hemighthateknowingyouhadhimonlyfor...for
me.Maybeyoushouldlie."
"Idon'tliketolie,"Bethsaid,"butthistimeyoumightberight."
Theysatinpeacefulsilence.AfterawhileBethsaidlazily,"Nathanisgoingtotakeusouttodinner.To
celebrate."
"Cool."Mandydidn'tmove."Mom?"
"Mmm?"
"CanIbuyabra?"
"Abra?"Eyebrowslifted,Bethturnedherhead."Whatonearthdoesthathavetodowithanything?"
"It'sjustthat...well,youcanseemynipples.WhenIwearanythingtight.It'sembarrassing!"
"ThenIguessit'stime,"Bethagreed."Totellyouthetruth,I'dnoticed."
"Brasmustbeawfullyuncomfortable."Mandyscruncheduphernose."Whydowehavetohideour
breasts?Boysdon'thidetheirchests."
"No,andverynicetheyaretolookat,too."
"Mo-om!"
"Hey,I'msingle.Icanlook,can'tI?"
Mandyrolledhereyes."Justdon'tlookwhenmyfriendscanseeyou,okay?"
"Deal."Bethstoodup."Whaddayasaywestartgussyingourselvesup?We'regoingfancytonight."
"CanIwearthatdress?"herdaughteraskedeagerly.
"Thatdress"wasahand-me-downfromBeth'sbrother'sdaughter.
ApparentlytheirsocialcirclesandprivateschoolsinSaudirequiredevenpreteenstodresstothenines.
Thisparticulardresswasblackandgoldandwell,sexy.Mandyhadbeenprayingforanappropriate
occasiontowearit;Bethhadbeprayingshe'dgettootallbeforeonearose.Butseeing

thehopeinherdaughter'sdarkeyes,shedidn'thaveaqualmaboutcapitulating.
"Whynot?"
Mandyletoutanecstaticbreath."Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou!"
"Justdon'toutshineme,okay?"
OnherfeetMandygazedcriticallyathermother."Butdoyouhaveanythingreallyprettythatfits?Imean,
sinceyou'repregnant?"
Beth'seyeswidenedandshelookeddownatherself."Idon'tknow!Ididn'tthink...Oh,no,what'llIdo?"
"UncleNatewillunderstand,"herdaughtersaidkindly.
"Idon'twantunderstanding!"Bethwailed,scramblingtoherfeet.
Mandyeyedherwithapeculiarexpression."Whatdoyouwant?"
Bethgulped.Withwhatsheconsideredquickwits,shesaidhaughtily,"Admiration.Adulation.Awe
wouldbeokay.ButI'dsettlefornotstickingoutlikeasorethumb."
"Oh."Mandy'sfacecleared."Well,you'renotthatfatyet.Youmusthavesomething."
Shedid,thankGod,shefoundafteraninvestigationofhercloset.
Whenshetuggedtheslinkytealsheathon,itfitalltoosnuglyoverherbreastsandbelly,buttheblack
velvetjackethidtheoverabundanceofsomepartsofherbody.Andherlegsstilllookedgood,she
decided,pirouettinginfrontofhermirror.
HalfanhourlatersheopenedthedoortoNathan.He,ofcourse,washeart-stoppinglyhandsomeinadark
suit.Theseverityofthewhiteshirtfrontwastherightfoilfortheangular,almostharshlinesofhisface.
"Beautiful,"hemurmuredtoBeth,hiseyeswarm.HisgazewentpastheratthesoundofMandyclattering
downthestairs.Beth,too,turnedtolook.Thelittlegirlwasn'tquitegone,butcloseenough.
Thedressenhancedherslightcurvesandplungedattheneck,leavingalongsweepofwhiteneck.Her
darkhairwasfastenedonthecrownofherheadwithagoldclip.Hereyesshone,hercheeksbloomed,
andshewasbothungainlyandastonishinglygraceful.Ducklingandswanatthesametime.Growingup,
thewayBethhaddreamedshewould.
Bethcouldn'thavesaidawordtosaveherlife.FortunatelyNathansaiditforher.
"Sweetheart,whathappenedtoyourthirteenthandfourteenthbirthdays?Youdecidetobypassthem?
You'regoingtobreakalltheboys'hearts."
Mandygrinned,thoughshesoundedanxious."Ireallyandtrulylookokay?"
"Youtakemybreathaway."Headdedquietly,"I'mgladforyou,kiddo.Icriedwhenyourmomtoldme."
"Didyoureally?"Sheblinkedasthoughtopreventnewtears."Idid,too."
"Comehere."Heheldouthisarms.
Mandylaunchedherselfintothem.AfterasecondheheldoutanarmforBeth,andblinkingfiercelyto
savehermakeup,shewent.
Whentheyseparatedamomentlater,theyallhadthesamefoolishsmilesontheirfaces.

"Grouphugs,"Mandysaidwithsatisfaction,"arethebestkind."
"Thatwasmyfirst,butIthinkI'dhavetoagree."VeryformallyNathanheldoutoneelbowforBeth,the
otherforMandy."Ladies,shallwe?"
Bethhadneverbeenhappierthanshewasthatevening.Onlyoncedidtheyputintowordsthesourceof
thewellspringofjoythathadthemalllaughingatnexttonothing,thatmadethefoodambrosiaandthe
surroundingsperfection.
Nathanmadeatoast,hisglassofchampagnegentlytouchingtheirsofsparklingcider."ToMandy,"he
said."AndPatrick."
"Tomiracles,"Bethsaid,hereyesmeetingfirstMandy's,thenhis.
"ToMom,"Mandycontributedsolemnly."AndtoUncleNate."
Theyalldrank,equallysolemnly.AndthenMandysaid,"Justthink.IfPatrickwasalreadyborn,we
couldn'thavebroughthimtonight.We'dhavehadtoleavehimwithababy-sitter!Sothisisbest,huh?"
"Darnright,"Nathansaid."Anyway,oncehe'sborn,weprobablywon'twanttogoanywhere.We'llbetoo
busysittingaroundthecriborcradleorwhateverathome,exclaimingabouthowcuteheiswhenhecries
orspitsuphismilkordoessomethingincrediblelikerollover."
Fromtheexperienceoffriendshavinglittlebrothersandsisters,Mandyinformedhimhowlongitwas
beforePatrickwouldrolloverordoanythingelsereallyinteresting."Theydon'tevensmilefor,like,six
weeksorsomething.Babiesarereallyprettyboring."
"Butthisonewillbeours,"Nathanpointedout.Ours.Herheartoughttobenumbbynow,Beththought,
butthesharpstabshe'djustfeltshowedthatitwasn't.Home.He'dsaidwe'llallsitaroundathome,hadn't
he?
Todayshe'dbeengivenwhatshewantedmostintheworld.Maybeitwasselfishtoaskformore,andso
soon.Butshecouldn'tseemtohelpit.
Forthefirsttimesheletherselfdream.Wasitpossibletheycouldbeafamily?ThatNathancouldlove
her,aswellasPatrickandMandy?
ThatitcouldquitmatteringtoallofthemthatheandRobhadbeentwins?

CHAPTERTWELVE

Inthenexttwoandahalfmonths,Beth'soptimismwilted.NotthatNathanwasn'tthere,wasn'tsolicitous,
wasn'tfriendly.Hewas.TheyhadThanksgivingtogether,celebratedChristmasasafamily.Nathanfound
outwhensheregularlysentshipmentsofjamandmanagedtobearoundtocarrytheboxes.Hecalled,he
stoppedby,hebroughtdinner,tookthemouttodinner,droveMandytodramaandattendedherschool
play.Hewasadevotedunclefatherfigure.HewasBeth'sbestfriend.Butthatwasall.
Occasionallysheimaginedshesawheatinhiseyeswhenshetouchedhimcasuallyorlookeduptofind
himwatchingheracrossaroom.Buthenever,notonce,actedonhisdesireifhestillfeltanyandshe
wasn'tjustseeingthings.
AndtheynevertalkedaboutRob.
Asfarasthedesirewentwell,shedidn'tfeelverydesirable.
Somehowwiththispregnancy,she'dexpandedfasterandfartherthanwhenshecarriedMandy.Now,at
eightmonthsalong,shecouldn'tdecidewhethershemorecloselyresembledawhaleorahippopotamus.
Probablyahippo,shethoughtruefully,lookingatherbulgingwhitestomachrisingabovethebubblesin
herbath.Hipposdidn'tfloat.
Shewasprettysureshewouldn't,either.Whocouldblameamanfornotlustingafterthisbody?
ThebusinessaboutRob,though,wassomethingelseagain.IthadtakenherawhiletonoticethatRob's
namerarelycameupanymore.Thosefirstfewmonths,Nathanhadmadeapointoftalkingabouthis
brother,especiallyforMandy'sbenefit.WhenMandyaskedquestions,hestillansweredthemwithout
seeminguncomfortable,butheneverspontaneouslyreminiscedasheoncehad.DidyouknowRobwas
thequarterbackofourhigh-schoolfootballteam?Or,DidRobevertellyouaboutthetimehebackedthe
carintotheneighbor'sfence,andweproppeditupuntilawinterstormblewitover?DidyouknowRob
hadchildhoodasthma?
JusttheothernightMandywasinsistingshe'dbeenreally,reallyuglyinaboutfourthgrade,andshe
draggedUncleNatetothefireplacemanteltoseeherschoolpicturefromthatyear.OutofcuriosityBeth
hadfollowedthem.NathanlookedatMandy'sphoto,buthiseyesneverstrayedtoanyoftheotherframed
picturesstandingalongthemantel.
Hehadtohaveworkedatnotlooking.
Apparentlyhe'ddecidedthatthewaytodealwithhisfeelingsabouthisbrotherwastopretendRobnever
hadexisted.Bethcouldn'timaginethat,inthelongterm,hisavoidancewouldwork.Oneofthesedaysthat
buriedresentmentwasgoingtoboilover.Andtherewasnowaytheycouldhaveanykindofromantic
relationshipwithouthimacceptingthatshe'doncelovedandbeenmarriedtohisbrother.
Not,shehadtoadmit,thatNathangaveanysignofwantingaromanticrelationship.Bethmadeafaceand
slumpedlowerinthetub.

Amomentlatershesighed,reachedforthetowelandcarefullygottoherfeet.Shedriedherarmsand
breastsandback,thenliftedonefoottotherimofthebathtubandbentovertopatherlegdry.
Thatwaswhenshesawthebloodtricklingdownherthighandstainingthebathwater.

Somedayshefiguredhewasagutlesswonder.OnothersNathanconvincedhimselfhewasbeing
sensible,maybeevengentlemanly.Hell,noble.
Waituntilshehadthebaby,hetoldhimself.Five,six,eightmonthspregnant,shecouldn'tpossiblyhe
interestedinloveandmarriage.Shewasdealingwithenoughalready.Letherhavethebaby,seethathe
reallywouldbeadevotedfather,getusedtotheideathathewasPatrickJosephMcCabe'sfather.Bythat
time,maybeshewouldn'tseeRobanymorewhenshelookedathim.
Thenabadday,liketoday,wouldcome,andhe'dknowinhisheartthathewasn'twaitingforBeth.His
feelingswerethestumblingblock.Hedidn'thavethegutstoputhertothetest.Lookingupathimthatday
backinSeptember,hereyescloudywithpassion,sheprobablyhadn'tsaid"Rob."Butwhatifthenext
timeshedid?WhatifshewasthinkingRob?Damn.WhatifshestillwantedRob?Nathanshovedhis
chairbackfromhiscomputerandsqueezedhiseyesshut.Howwouldheeverknow?
Howcouldhestandnotknowing?
Whenthephoneranghedidn'tpickitup.Letthemachinehandlethecall.Hekepttheansweringmachine
inthelivingroomsohisconcentrationwouldn'tbebrokenwhenhewasinvolvedinsomething.
Thistime,ignoringthemurmurofhisownvoicefromtheotherroom,herubbedhistemplesandtriedto
focusonthecolumnsoffiguresonthescreen.
Hewasdamnedluckyhe'dbuiltastrongcompanyandhadpeopleworkingforhimwhoknewwhatthe
helltheyweredoing.He'dsureasGodleftthemalonetodoitlately.Heshouldbetravelingmorethanhe
was,buteverytimehegotonanairplane,hefeltuneasy.Whatifsomethingwentwrongwiththe
pregnancy?WhatifBethwentintolaborearly?WhatifMandygotsick?Hedidn'tlikeknowingthatno
neighborwaswithinshoutingdistance,didn'tlikethenarrowwindingroadseparatingtheirhousefrom
thenearestmedicalclinic.ItwasJanuarynow,andthusfarthewinterhadbeenrelativelydryforthe
PacificNorthwest,butwhatifastormdumpedeightinchesofsnowontheground?Ortherainfrozeinto
blackice?He'dseentoitthatBethhadsnowtiresonhercar,buthestillwasn'thappy.Hecouldhave
concentratedahundredtimesbetterifhe'dbeenthereinsteadofhere.Atremulousqualitytothevoice
murmuringinplaceofhisownontheansweringmachinewrenchedNathanfromhisbrooding.Sweating,
hesnatchedupthereceiver.
"Beth?"
"Nathan?"Shegaveasobbingbreaththatsoundedlikerelief."Youarehome."
"Iwasworking."Alarmmasqueradedasbrusqueness."What'swrong?You'renotinlabor,areyou?"
Sheseemedtowithdraw."No,I...Oh,Icanmanagealone.Ijust..."
Managealone.Hegrittedhisteeth.Herconfidenceinhimoverwhelmed

him.Brusquethistimefromirritationorwasithurt?hesaidshortly,"Youdon'thaveto.Ifyouneedme,
Icancomerightaway."
Thetremblereturnedtohersoftvoice."Areyousure?"
Hesurgedtohisfeetandroared,"Goddamnit,Beth,what'swrong?"
Silencechastenedhim.Andthen,shakily,shesaid,"I'mbleeding."Asnifflecameovertheline."Nathan,
I'mscared.Whatif...?"
Pureterrortoreaholeinhisstomachlikeanulcer.Withanefforthespokegently."Haveyoucalledthe
doctor?"
"Shewantsmetocomein.I...Iwasjustgettingdressed."
Nathangaveawildglanceathiswatchashegropedforhiscarkeysinhispocket."I'mtwenty-five
minutesaway.Shouldn'tyouhaveanambulance?"
"Mybleedingisn'tthatheavy.Shewantstoseeme,butshesaidit'snotnecessarilyanemergency."
HecouldtellBethdidn'tbelievethereassuranceanymorethanhedid.
"I'mgoingoutthedoorrightnow,"hesaidsteadily."Youknowmycell-phonenumberifyouneedme.If
thingsgetworse,youcallanambulance.I'llbethereasquickasIcan."Andtohellwithanyspeedtraps
alongtheway.
Everytrafficlightturnedredjustashegottoit.Everygrandfatherouttodrivethelittlewomantothe
grocerystorecruiseddowntheroadattwenty-fivemilesanhour.Kidsonbikesswervedfromthe
shoulderintolanesoftraffic.Nathan'sknuckleswerewhiteonthesteeringwheel.Heusedlanguagehe'd
forgottenheknew.Hewassavedonlybyfrequentdesperatelooksathiswatch,whichtoldhimhewas
makinggoodtime,despiteeverything.Hetooktheswoopingcurvesofhercountryroadasifbehindthe
wheelofasportscar.Thetiresskiddedandspitoutgravelwhenheaccelerateddownherdrivewayand
slammedtoastop.
Hehalfexpectedtofindherlyinginapoolofbloodonthekitchenfloor.Reliefuricrampedafractionof
histensionwhensheopenedthefrontdoorbeforehecouldmountthestairs.Sheworethickleggingsand
adenimjumperoverapinkturtleneck.Hercurlyhairwasdisciplinedwithaclip.Shelookedcomposed,
pretty.Sheevenworemakeup,forGod'ssake.Thecontrasttothenightmarishimagesthathadkepthis
footheavyontheacceleratorcouldn'thavebeengreater.
Whythehellhadshescaredhim?
Thenhenoticedherpallor,theshadowsbeneathhereyes,thefearinhereyes.Andhesawthebagshe
carried.
Hergazefollowedhis."Ipackedafewthingsjustincase..."
Henoddedtightlyandtookitfromher.Althoughshemovedconfidently,heheldherelbowasshe
descendedtheporchsteps.
Normally,asheopenedthepassenger-sidedoorofthecarandeasedherinascarefullyashemighthave
anewpieceoffurniturehedidn'twanttoscratch,shewouldhavebeenprotestingthatshedidn'tbreak.
Today,sheonlygavehimashakysmile.Nowsheknewthatshedidbreak.
Hebrokemorespeedrecordsgettinghertotheclinic.ThenursewhiskedBethrightin.Whenhestartedto
follow,thenursesaid,"Whydon'tyouwaithere,sir.Thedoctorwilldoanexamination,thenwe'llcome
getyou.Ipromise."SohehadtosuffertheagonyofwatchingBeth

disappearthroughthedoor.Thenhelookedhelplesslyaround.Whatwashesupposedtodo?Chatwith
anotherrestlessfather-to-be?Tripthefive-year-oldwhowasrunninglapsandzoominglikeanairplane?
SitandreadPeoplemagazine?Hedidn'tgiveadamnwhichcelebritywasdivorcingherhusband.Right
thisminutehedidn'tgiveadamnaboutthebudgetcrisis,either,whichwasfeaturedonthecoverof
Newsweek.Hemadehimselfsitdown,buthedidn'tevenreachforamagazine.
Whatweretheydoingtoher?Howheavilywasshebleeding?Wouldtheyhospitalizeher?God,wasshe
losingthebaby?Afierceprotestroseinhisthroat,hadhimgrippingthearmsofthechairuntilhishands
ached.
Hisson.AndwhatifBethwasindanger?AndMandyhowcouldtheytellMandyiftheworsthappened?
Mandy.Nathanlookedathiswatchagainwithnewalarm.No,theywereOkay.It'dbetwohoursuntilshe
gotofftheschoolbus.They'dknowsomethingbythen.Ifnecessary,hewouldleaveBethtogopickup
Mandy.
Thenurseappearedandsmiledathim.Asheshottohisfeet,shesaid,"Mr.McCabe?Youcancomeback
now."
Sheshowedhimintoanemptyroom.Brisklyshebundledupthecrumpledpaperontheexaminingtable,
butnotbeforehesawsomebrightredbloodstains.
"Mrs.McCabehasgonedownstairstohaveanultrasound,"shesaidbrightly."Dr.Williamswantedto
speaktoyoubriefly,andthenperhapsyou'dprefertowaitoutinfront.Itmaybehalfanhour.Youcould
evengogetacupofcoffee."
Hedidn'tsayanything.Shebustledoutascheerilyasshe'dledhimin,leavingthedooropen.Fortunately
Dr.Williamsenteredalmostimmediately.
Withoutpreambleshesaid,"Isuspectaconditioncalledplacentapreviainwhichtheplacentais
partiallyoverthecervix.Bleedingatthisstagecansignaltheseparationoftheplacenta,whichisfar
moreserious,butMrs.McCabehasnotenderness,norigidityinherabdominalwall.We'retakinga
closerlookrightnowwithanultrasound."
"Isshelosingthebaby?"heaskedhoarsely.
"Idon'tbelieveso."Compassionmadethedoctor'stonelessbriskthantheothertimeshe'dcomehere
withBeth."Besides,ifnecessary,wecandoacesareansectionatthispoint.I'dprefersheholdonforat
leastanothercoupleweeks,though."
Holdon.Nathanfeltevenmorehelpless."How?"
"Bedrest,"shesaidsuccinctly."MaybehospitalizationHomeifshehasenoughhelp."
"She'sgotit."
"That'swhatIwantedtohear."Dr.Williamsgavehimarareapprovingsmile."Wouldyouprefertowait
inhere?"
"Thanks."
Themomentshequietlyclosedthedoorbehindher,hislegscollapsed,dumpinghiminthehardplastic
chair.Hewasgladtobealone.
Thehalfhourhewaitedwasthelongestofhislife.Uptothispoint,hethoughtgrimly.Bethhadn'tasked
himtotakechildbirthclasseswithher,whichmeanthe'dbeexcludedwhenshehadthebaby.Whatifshe
wasinlaborfortwelvehours?Wouldhehavetopace

awaitingroom?Theprospectwassoappallinghegrittedhisteeth.
He'dratherbetheonesufferinginthedeliveryroom.
Whenthedooropened,Nathangottohisfeet.Dr.WilliamsandBethcameintogether.Beth'sfacewas
paleandsolemn,hereyesstillfrightened.Whenhereachedoutahand,sheslippedhersintoitand
squeezedbackwhenhegrippedtightly.Togethertheyfacedthedoctor.
"Myguesswasright,"shesaid."Theplacentaisonlypartiallyblockingthecervix.Itdoesmeanwe'll
havetodoaC-sectionwhenthetimecomes.Whenthecervixdilates,theplacentaseparatesfromthe
uterus,deprivingthebabyofoxygen.Whatweneedtofocusonnowissustainingyourpregnancyaslong
aspossible,Beth.Yourbleedingisrelativelyminorandintermittent.Ithink,ifyou'rewillingtogotobed
forthenextfewweeks,youcanmakeitclosetofullterm."
TheshockonBeth'sfacetoldNathanshehadn'tbeenforewarned.
"Weeks?"sherepeated."Spendalmostamonthinbed?"
"Youcangetup.Wewon'ttieyoudown.Bedrestiswhatwecallit.
Butnolifting,nohousework,noshopping,nojogging.ForthemostpartIwantyourestinginbed.Indulge
yourself.Read,watchTV,snooze.Ifyoudotoomuchandstartbleedingagain,I'llhavetohospitalizeyou.
"
"Amonth?"
"Ifallgoeswell."Dr.Williams'stonewasn'twithoutsympathy,butshewasstillmatter-of-fact."The
indulgencedoesn'tcarryovertofoodunfortunately.Noheart-shapedboxesofchocolate.Weightgain
hasn'tbeenaproblemforyou,butwithoutexercise,you'llhavetobeespeciallycareful."
BethdroppedintoachairasabruptlyasNathanhadearlier,herlegsapparentlygivingway.Shestillheld
ontohishand.
"But...Ican'tdonothing!Mandy'sonlytwelve."BethlookedfromthedoctortoNathanandbackasshe
beggedforunderstanding."Shecan'tcleanhouseandcookdinneranddothelaundryand...Idohavean
assistantwhoIguesscanhandlethebusinessforafewweeks,but...Ihavealife!"shewailed.
Nathanfigureditwastimetocontributetothisdiscussion."I'llcleanhouseandcookdinneranddothe
laundry.IcangiveJulieahandwiththejam,too,ifsheneedsit."
Bethstaredathim."Buthowcanyou?Youhaveyourownbusiness!Thisiscrazy."Sheturnedbeseeching
eyesonthedoctor."Therehastobeanotherway."
"Thereisn't."Thedoctor'swarmbrowneyesdidn'twaver."Thebaby'swelfarehastocomefirst,
howevertoughthatisforawhile."
BethwasstillinshockwhenNathanusheredherouttothecarafewminuteslaterafterhavingagreedto
bringherbackinacoupleofdays.Sooner,ifshebeganbleedingagainorhadanydiscomfort.
"We'llkeepaclosewatchonher,"hadbeenDr.Williams'slastwords.
Damnrighttheywould.He'dtakeherhome,waituntilMandywasthere,thengotohiscondoandpack.
HecoulduseBeth'scomputertokeepintouchwithhisoffice,butsomebodyelsewouldhavetohandle
thetriptoArizonaandNewMexicoscheduledfortheweekafternext.Already

mentallyshufflingschedulesandduties,heonlylistenedwithhalfaneartoBeth'sdesperateobjections.
"You'regoingtomovein?"
"Mmm,"heagreedabsently.
"But...but..."
Waitingataredlight,Nathanturnedhishead."Youhaveaproblemwiththat?"
"Icanhiresomeone."Shewavedherhands."Youdon'thavetodropeverything."
"Iwon't.I'lluseyourofficeifthat'sokay.Ipresumethehouseworkisn'tafull-timejob."
"Youmaybesurprised.Especially"shescruncheduphernose"ifyouhavetowaitonmehandand
foot."
"Areyougoingtobedemanding?"heasked,feelinghisfirsttraceofamusementthatday.
"WhatI'mgoingtodoisgonuts,"shesaidgloomily.
"Youcankeepuponpaperwork."
"There'shardlyanyatthistimeofyear."BethsoundedassulkyasMandyinabadmood.
"Hey,lookonthebrightside.WhatifthiswereJune?"
Shemoanedandfloppedbackagainsttheheadrest.Heletherbroodtherestofthewayhome.
Shedidn't,however,takeitwellwhenhetriedtohelpherupthefrontporchsteps."Icanwalk!"she
snapped.
"Oh,thisisgoingtobeafunmonth,"hemuttered,releasingherelbow.
InfrontofhimBethabruptlystopped.Hewaitedacoupleofstepsbelowher.Shewasentitledtobe
angry,hefigured;fearoftencameoutthatway.Andshesureashellhadplentytobeafraidof.
Shetookadeepbreathandturnedtofacehim.Noanger.Instead,tearsstreakedhercheeks."I'msorry.I'm
beingawful."Hervoiceroseintoawail."Andyou'rebeingsonice!"
"Ah,damn,"hesaid,takingthatnextstepandwrappinghisarmsaroundher.Shestoodenoughhigherthat
herfaceendedupburiedinthecrookofhisneckandshoulder,insteadofleaningagainsthischest.
Hefeltthetears,hotandwet,againsthisbareskin;feltthequiversofsobsshakeherswollenbody.
Whenatlastshelookedup,hereyeswereredandpuffyandhernosewasrunning.Whichwasahellofa
timeforhimtofeelloverockhimsohardhe'dhavesteppedbackwardintospaceifhehadn'tstillbeen
holdingher.
"Iamsorry,"Bethrepeated."I'llbegood.Dr.Williamswasright.Nothingmattersbutthebaby.AndhereI
amsulkingbecauseIhavetolazearound.You'retheonewho'sgivingupeverythingtotakecareofus!"
"I'mnotgivingupanything,"hesaidroughly."Fornow,youguysaremyonlyfamily.I'vebeenworrying
aboutyou,anyway.NowIhaveanexcusetoberightherewhereIwanttobe."
Shesniffedonemoretime,thenflungherarmsaroundhimagainandgavehimaquickhardhug.Hefelt
herlipsmoveagainsthisneck,heardamurmur,buthisearswouldn'ttakeinwhatshesaid.Itcouldn't
havebeen"Iloveyou."Orifitwas,shedidn'tmeanitthewayhewantedherto.Friendslovedeach
other.Familymemberslovedeachother.ShewasjustgratefultoMandy'suncleNateforbeingagoodguy
andhelpingout.Shedidn'tmean"Iloveyou"thewayhefeltit.

Andthathurtlikenothinghadsincehisbrother'sbetrayal.

MandythoughtitwascoolhavingUncleNatelivingwiththem.
Atfirstshe'dbeenscaredaboutMom'slosingthebaby.Hereshe'dgottenusedtotheideaofhavinga
brother.PatrickJosephMcCabe.
Patrick.Thatwaswhatsheplannedtocallhim.NotPatorJoeyoranythingelsecutesy.Patrick.Shecould
closehereyesandpicturehim,dark-hairedanddark-eyedlikeher,toddlingafterherlikeKayla'slittle
brotherfollowedhisbigsister.Mandycouldholdhim,chunkyandround,andhe'dgrinupatherwithout
teeth.Eventuallyshe'dteachhimstuff.Likehowtowhistleandhowtoreadandhowtopumponthe
swing.Shedidn'twanthimnevertobealone.
Evenasfrightenedasshewas,Mandydidn'tletherselfthinkabouttheotherreasonshedesperately
wantedhimtobeborn.Itseemedsoselfish,asifshewastheonlyonewhomattered.Soshejustblanked
hermindtoit.Only,thatdidn'tcompletelywork.Sheknewthatunderneath,theselfishmotivewasstill
there.
Butafterafewdays,whenMomandthebabyseemedokay,Mandystartedthinkinghowmuchfunitwas
tohaveUncleNatehere.Hemadeeasydinners,likepancakes,ormacaroniandcheese,orsloppyjoes.
Momrolledhereyesandaskedhowanyonecouldhavelivedalonealltheseyearsandnotlearnedto
cook.MandylikedthedinnersbetterthansomeofthestuffMomgotoutofcookbooks,butshedidn'tsay
sowhereMomcouldhear.
UncleNateteasedMandyalot,andheplayedgameswithherandhelpedherwithherhomework.Once
hersocial-studiesteachergotmadbecausenobodywaspayingattention,andshesaidthateveryoneinthe
classhadtowrite,"IwillbecourteousandlistentoMrs.Curtiswhenshespeaks"threehundredtimesas
homework.ButMandyhadbeenlistening!
Itwassounfair,Andhumiliating,treatingthemlikelittlekids.
UncleNateagreed,andhecopiedherhandwritingandwrotehalfthesentencesforher.Howmanyparents
wouldhavedonethat?
Sometimestheyallplayedagametogether,MomproppedagainstpillowsandUncleNatesittingonone
sideofheronthebedandMandyontheother.They'dopenthegameboardonMom'slapwell,reallyher
legs,sinceshedidn'texactlyhavealapanymore.Thatworkedokayuntilshegotuptogotothebathroom,
whichshehadtodoconstantly.UncleNateteasedherthatitwouldbeeasiertowearadiaper.Hewas
funnylotsofthetime.HemadeMomlaugh.
ItwaswhiletheywereplayingTriBondonenightthatMandygotheridea.Momwasscowlingasshe
triedtodecidewhatSuperfly,TheBodyandTheMachoManhadincommon.Mandyhappenedtolookat
UncleNate,whowaswatchingMom.Hismouthhadthislittlesmile,andhiseyesweresortofsoftand
moony,andithitMandy:hewasinlovewithMom!
"Japanesehorrormovies,"Momfinallydecided.
"Nope,"UncleNatesaid."Professionalwrestlers."
Mommadethisawfulface."Superfly?"
"Yup.Dignityisnotacomponentofprofessionalwrestling."

"Iguessnot,"Mommumbled."Okay,Mr.Know-it-all,it'syourturn."
Mandyreadthethreethingsthathadsomethingincommon."Amap,afishandaweight-lossclinic."
"Iknowthatone!"Momgavealittlebounce,whichmadetheirmarkersontheboardslide."Sorry,sorry."
Sheputthemallbackinplace.
"Amapandafish."UncleNatestaredintospace.Thistime,Momwatchedhim.Mandycouldn'tquite
decidewhethershewaslookingmoony,too,orjustnormal.Hewasreallycute.Mommusthavebeenin
lovewithDadalongtimeago.AndsinceUncleNatelookedalotlikeDad,whycouldn'tshefallinlove
withhim,too?
Iftheygotmarried,UncleNatewouldstay,alwaysandalways.He'dbeMandy'sstepfather.
"Scales!"hesuddenlysaidtriumphantly.
"Huh?"Mandylookeddownatthecardinherhand."Oh.Yeah.Yougettorollagain."
Latershekeptthinkingaboutthem,married.Shecouldbeabridesmaid,ormaybeeventhemaidofhonor,
ifkidswereallowed.Momcouldwearwhitelace,andUncleNateablacktuxedo,andMandywouldn't
evenmindiftheywentawayforahoneymoon,notwhenitmeantUncleNatewouldcomebackwithMom
forever.Whatwouldshecallhim?shewondereddreamilythatnightasshewaitedtofallasleep.Would
shestillcallhimUncleNate?Orjusthisfirstname,likesomekidsdidwithstepparents?Or.Well,not
Dad.Somehowthatseemeddisloyal,evenifshewashavingaharderandhardertimerememberingher
father.UncleNate'sfacehadgottenintheway.ItwashimshesawnowwhenshetriedtopictureDad.
Sometimesthatmadeherfeelguilty,too,justlikehersecretthoughtsaboutPatrick,butthenshe
rememberedhowmuchDadhadtalkedaboutUncleNate,andsheconvincedherselfDadwouldlike
knowinghistwinbrotherwashere,doingthingswithherandhelpingMomout.AndifMommarriedhim,
itwasn'tlikeshe'dchosenUncleNate,insteadofDad.Dadwasdead.Gone.Allherfriendsthoughtit
wasromanticthatMomneverdated;theysaiditmustmeanshewasmourninghimstill.Probably,they
thought,she'dmournhimfortherestofherlife,andhe'dbewaitingforherupinheaven.ButMandy
wasn'tsosure.Momdidn'tactlikeshewasstillgrieving.Once,aboutayearago,Mandyhadaskedher
whyshedidn'tdate,andMomhadlookedsurprised.
"Idon'tknowanybodyIwanttodate."She'dshrugged."AndI'mbusy.Idon'tfeeltheneed."
Mandyhadnodded.Thatwaskindofwhatshe'dguessed.SheandMomwereokaybythemselves,except
forwhenMandywasreallysick.Whywouldtheywantsomestrangemanaround?
ButUncleNatewasdifferent.Mandywantedhimaround.Whatshecouldn'tfigurewasanywaytopush
thingsalong,exceptforthinkingofreasonslikeplayinggamesforhimtobeinMom'sbedroomevery
evening.OrkeepinghimawayfromMomwhenshestartedtogetgrumpyabouthavingtoliethereanddo
nothing.or,onceinawhile,whenMomwasdepressedanddidn'twanttobotherdoinganythingtoher
hairorputtingmakeupon,Mandyencouragedher.Ifhesawherlookingreallyawful,UncleNatemight
loseinterest.
Mandywouldn'thavemindediftheseweekscould

havegoneonandon.SheknewUncleNatewastakingMomtoseethedoctorreallyoften,andthatMom
wouldhavetobecutopentohavethebabyout,insteadofhavinghimthenormalway.Butshethought
MomorUncleNatewouldatleastgivehersomenotice.
Instead,shewascalledfromherprealgebraclasstotheofficeoneday.Theviceprincipalwaswaiting
forher.
Hesmiled."Amanda,Ihavegoodnewsforyou."Shethoughtaboutanessayshe'denteredinanational
contest.Butherswasn'tthatgood.
Itcouldn'thavewon,couldit?
"YouruncleNathanjustcalled.Hewantedyoutoknowyourmomhashadherbaby.He'saboy,and
they'rebothdoingfine."
Mandyjuststared.Patrickwasalreadyborn?HadMomandUncleNateknownlastnightthattodaywas
theday?Whyhadn'ttheytoldher?
"Yourunclesayshe'llpickyouupfromschool,soyoucangodirectlytothehospital.Heguessedyou
mightwanttomeetyournewbrother."
Hernewbrother.ExcitementsuddenlyfizzedthroughMandy.Maybeshecouldholdhimtoday.Andshe
alreadyknewhowtochangediapersandthatyouhadtosupportababy'shead.Kaylahadshownher.She
couldtakecareofPatrickwhileMomnappedandstuff.Thiswasgoingtobesocool!
UncleNatecamereallyfast.Mandywaswaitingjustinsidethedoor.
Shewantedtorunoutandhopinthecar,but,no,hehadtocomeinandfilloutastupidformreleasingher.
Bythattime,shewaspracticallyhoppingupanddown.
"Let'sgo!"
Hegrinnedwhenshegrabbedhishandandtuggedhimtowardthedoor.
"You'retheonewhotoldmebabiesdon'tdoanythingexcitingforatleastsixweeks."
"Yeah,butIwanttoseeifhelookslikeme.Andifhehasallhistoes,andwhatcolorhiseyesare."She
swallowed."AndifMom'sokay."
UncleNate'sarmsnakedouttogiveheraboa-constrictinghug."Yourmotherisdoingjustgreat.She
looksasproudasifshe'djustpaintedamasterpiece."
"Well,shekindofdid."
"Hey."Hepretendedtobeoffended."Iwieldedabrush,too,youknow."
"Yeah,"Mandysaidinterestedly,"I'vebeenwonderingaboutthat.Imean,how..."
"Don'task."
Mandyhadthefeelinghemeantit.Hehadaweirdexpressiononhisface,likehewasremembering
somethingreallydepressing.ShewasprettysureheandMomhadn'thadsex,sohowhadtheydoneit?It
couldn'thavebeenmuchfun.Maybeshecouldaskherhealthteacherhowpeoplemakebabiesifthey
didn'twanttogotobedtogether.
Oncetheygottothehospital,allshecouldthinkaboutwasherbrother.PatrickJosephMcCabe.Sheknew
hecouldn'tsmile,butmaybehe'dwell,lookatheratleast,asthoughheknewtheymeantsomethingto
eachother.
ShekepthavingtohurryUncleNate,andtheelevatortookforever.Butatlastthedoorscreptopen,and
aheadwasasignthatsaidMaternity.
"Shallwegobythenurseryfirst?"UncleNatesuggested.

Itturnedouttobethisbrightroomsurroundedwithglass.Insidewererowsofbassinets.Mostwere
empty.Onlyafewbabiessleptintheirs,andshecouldhardlyseethem.Thelittlestoneshadtinyknitcaps
coveringmostoftheirheads,andtheywereallswaddledupinblanketssoshecouldjustbarelyseetheir
red,scrunchedfacesinbetween.
"Whereishe?"shewhispered.
"Nothere,"UncleNatesaid."Hemustbeupwithyourmom."
Mandybouncedontheballsofherfeet."Where'sshe?"
"Justdownthehall."
MandywasdyingtoseePatrick.AndMom.ButwhenUncleNateturnedintooneoftheroomsdownthe
hall,Mandyhesitatedonthethreshold.
Shefeltshy.Maybealittlescared.WhatifMomhadchangedhermind.Thiswasabigdeal,havinga
baby.Andwhatifshe,Mandy,thoughtPatrickwasugly,orhatedhimonsight?Whatifhewasgoingto
saveherlife,andshedidn'tlikehim?
Thefirstbedwasempty.Beyondthecurtain,Momcalled,"Mandy?Whereareyou?"
Sheedgedaroundit.TheheadofMom'sbedwaslifted,soshecouldsitupandstillleanagainstthe
pillows.SheworeaflannelnightgownthatMandyhadneverseenbefore.Butshewassmiling,andher
cheekswerepink,andsheheldoutherarms.
"Icouldhardlywaituntilyougothere!"
MandyflewoverandclosedhereyesagainstsuddentearswhileMomhuggedher.
"So,whatdoyouthink?"Momasked.
Mandyopenedhereyesandeasedback.PatrickwasnestledagainstMoro'sside.Hewasn'tquiteasleep,
butalmost,hisfistpressedagainsthismouth.Hedefinitelyhadtenfingers,thoughtheywerereally,really
tiny.Andhiseyeswell,shecouldn'ttellwhatcolortheywere.Theyhadavaguelook,asifhecouldn't
seemuchofanything.
Shebentoverandtouchedthebackofhishand.Hejerkedandrockedhisheadtowardher."Hi,Patrick,"
shewhispered."I'mMandy."
Hefrowned,butinsteadofbeingoffended,shegiggled.Hewasaperson,notadodo.Eventuallyhe'd
learntolikeher,anddowhatshetoldhimtodo.
Suddenlyshehadthestrangestfeelinginherchest,asthoughshecouldhardlybreathe.Itwaspartlya
goodfeeling,andpartlyascaryone.
Hewasarealperson,notjustanidea.Herlittlebrother.Andhewasgoingtohavetodosomethingthat,
nomatterwhatMomsaid,wouldhurt.Whatiflater,whenhefoundoutwhatthey'dmadehimdo,hewas
madather?
Mandytookadeepbreath.I'llmakeituptoyou,shetoldhimsilently.I'llbethebestbigsisterever.I
promise.

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

WhenNathanbroughtMandy,PatrickandBethhome,hehadeveryintentionofstaying.Hewonderedhow
longitwouldbebeforeBethnoticedhestilloccupiedthesparebedroom.Evenashecarriedhersuitcase
upthestairs,hewaitedforhertoaskwhyhiswasn'tpacked.
She'dsaythanksandgoodbyenicelyandsendhimonhisway.Butinstead,rightbehindhim,shepausedin
thedoorwayofherbedroom.
"Oh!Thecriblooksbeautiful!Youevensetupthebumperpads."
Thewhite-paintedcribstoodwithinafewfeetofBeth'sbed.Thecrib'sbedding,insunshineyellowand
skyblue,addedavividnotetoherpaleyellowbedroom,cheerfuldespiteFebruary'sgraylightcom
throughthewindows.
"Ididthatpart,"Mandytoldher,crowdingin,too."UncleNatecouldn'tfigureoutwherethetieswent."
Bethflashedhimateasingsmile."Andthisisthemanresponsibleformanufacturingmountaintents.Can
yousetupyourown?"
"Icouldhavefiguredouthowitworked,"hesaidwithdignity."Mandyjustbeatmetoit."
"Iputthesheeton,too,"thetwelve-year-oldsaid."Ithoughtthatwasthecutestone."
"Me,too."Hermothersmiledather.Thensheglanceddownatthesmallbundleinherarms."Well.Shall
wetryitout?ItlookslikePatrickhasnointentionofwakingup."
Nathanheldouthisarms."Letme.Youshouldn'tbendoverforafewdays."
Hehadtogivehercredit.Howevershefeltabouthim,she'dsofarbeenunstintinglygenerousinsharing
theirson.ShehandedPatricktohimwithouthesitation.
NathaneasedthereceivingblanketbackfromPatrick'sface,setinthefiercescowlthatappearedtobehis
usualsleepingandoftenwakingexpression,Despitethefactthathisscrunched-upfacewasalsored
andwrinklyandflaking,andthathisdarkhairstuckupinsweatytuftslikemarshgrass,Nathanwas
immediatelypiercedbyalovesosweetitmadehischesthurt.Hewasstillbaffledbythepowerfully
protective,triumphant,tenderfeelingsthathadgrippedhimfromthemomenthefirstsawhisson.
GentlyNathanlaidhiminthecribonhisbackandtuckedthethinblanketaroundhim.Then,likeidiots,
theyallstoodaroundthecribandraptlywatchedPatrickJosephMcCabesleep.
AfteramomentNathanlookedup.Beth'sfingerswerecurledaroundthetoprailasshesmiledsoftly
downathernewborn.ShewasasachinglybeautifulasaRenaissanceMadonna,ifmorefragile.No
womanwho'djusthadsurgeryoughttobesoclear-eyed,soglowing.Palehaircurledaroundherface,
creamywithonlyahintofthegoldthesummersunhadlenther.Herbreastswerefuller,althoughherneck
andarmswereasslenderasever.
Ithadbeenbadenoughrememberingtheshadowycleftofherbreastsfromthatdayhe'dcomeonher
napping.Badenoughtorememberthewayshe'dshudderedwhenhe'dkissedthem.Itwasfarworsenow
thathewasforcedseveraltimesadaytoseetheripepaleswellofone,eventhebrownaureoleand
nipplebeforeshedeftlyslippeditintoPatrick'smouth.LuckyPatrick.
GoodGod,hethought,halfroefullyandhalfgrimly,thiswashardlythetimetobegettingsexually
stimulated.WhatifMandynoticed?HewrenchedhisgazefromBeth'sbreaststoherfaceonlytofind
thatshewaswatchinghimnow,notPatrick.Hereyeshaddarkenedandhercheeksflushedadelicate
pink.Theystaredateachotherforanendlessmomentduringwhichhecursedhimselfforgivinghergood
reasonnottowanthimlivinginherhouse.
Butshecouldonlybeguessingabouthisthoughts.Saysomething,Nathantoldhimself.Makeherwonder.
Hehadtoclearhisthroatfirst."Shallwelethimsleep?"

Hereyesflickeredatthedistraction."Isupposeweshould."
NobodymovedexceptPatrick,whogruntedandjerkedandfrownedmorefiercely.
"Doyouwantmetoclosetheblinds?"Mandywhispered.
"Itdoesn'tlooklikehecares."HerattentionnolongeronNathan,Bethwrinkledhernose."Besides,I
don'tknowifIwanthimtosleepthatwell.I'mafraidheenvisionsbeingnocturnal."
"Youmean,he'llscreamallnight,"Mandysaidknowledgeably.
"Right."Hermothermadeanotherface."Lastnightthenurseshelpedout.TonightIcan'tpushabuttonand
summonsomeonewho'sbeingpaidtobewideawakeandcheerful."
Tohellwithit.Hemightaswelldeclarehisintentionsrightnow.
"I'llgetupwithhim,too,"Nathansaid,asthoughhispresencewereagiven."Surelyhedoesn'tneedtobe
fedeverytimehewakesup."
Beth'seyeswidened.Butbeforeshecouldsayanything,Patrickgrantedagainandsquirmeddeeperunder
hisblanket.Bethmadeshooingmotionsathisaudience.Theyalltiptoedoutintothehall.
Sheturnedtohimandsaidquietly,"Youmean,youhaven'talreadygratefullypackedyoursuitcase?"
"Youjusthadsurgery.Youstillneedhelp."
Herchinwasup,hergazelevel."Wecouldmanage."
Mandywaswatchingthemanxiously,henotedoutofthecornerofhiseye.Tohermotherhesaidevenly,
"Youshouldn'thavetomanage.MandyandIcanhandlethemealsandhouseworkforawhile.Youshould
rest,"
Herfavoriteword."AllI'vedoneisrest!"
Mandyjumpedin."Yeah,butstayinginbedmakesapersonweak,Mom.YoualwaystoldmethatwhenI
couldn'tfigureoutwhyIwassoshaky.Andyou'vebeeninbedforweeks."
Onesecondtheissuehunginthebalance,theirgazeswarringandherprideontheline;thenextshe
blinkedandheldupbothhands."SoIhave.Okay,okay!Pamperme.Adoreme.Idon'tmind."
Wouldn'theliketo,Nathanthought.Butunfortunatelyshewasn'tlookingathim,andhertonewasteasing.
"Howaboutacupoftearightnow?"heasked.
Herlaughingeyesmethis,joltinghimbackintoaheightenednopunintendedstateofphysical
awareness."Certainly,sir.Youmayserveitintheparlor."
"Comeintomyparlor,saidthespidertothefly,"Nathanmurmured.
Hermouthremainedcurved,buthereyeshadgoneseriousonhim."Now'syourchancetorunaway,"she
suggestedforallthewordasthoughshewasstillteasing.
AnotheranxiousglancefromMandytoldNathanthatshewasn'tfooled,either.
"I'llworryaboutthestickywebwhenitwrapsaroundme,"hesaid,holdingBeth'sgazejustlongenough
toseehowshereacted.Then,satisfied,hedrapedanarmaroundMandy'sshoulder."Comeon,kiddo.A
lifeofserviceawaitsus."

Sheoughttobegratefulhe'dstayed.
Shewasgrateful.Sometimes.Likethismorning,whenherson'sfire-enginewaildraggedhereyesopento
themurkygraylightofdawn,andablearyglanceatherclocktoldhershe'donlybeenasleepforanhour
thistime.Shethoughtshemightdieifshecouldn'tsleepjustalittlelonger,butthewailingwentonand
shewasjustbracingherselftogetoutofbednomatterhowwretchedshefeltwhenPatrickabruptlyquit
crying.Shedidn'tevenhavetohearthesoftcreakoftherockingchairtoknowNathanhadcome.Shefelt
himintheroom,nomatterhowsilentlyhemoved.Pryingopenleadeneyelidsagain,shecouldjustmake
himout,bare-chested,cuddlingtheirsonandhummingsolowthatitwasnomorethanamurmurtoher
ears.Hispresence,thathum,thecreakofthechair,allsoothedherasmuchastheydidPatrick,andshe

sleptagainforafewmoreprecioushours.
Butwhensheawokelater,shecouldn'tbelievethatshewaslettingthismanwearingnothingbutpajama
bottomscomeintoherbedroomduringthenightwheneverhepleased,andthatshesleptrightthroughhis
visits.Or,worse,wascomfortedbythem.
Duringthedayshe'dbecomeabsurdlyshywithhim.Inreturnhewasformal,evendistant.Gonewerethe
laughterandeasinessofthelastweeksofherpregnancy,whenhe'dsatonherbedandplayedboard
gamesonherlap.Lettingitgettohernowmadeherfeellikeafool;okay,he'dbeenalmostatotal
strangerwhensheaskedhimtofatherherbaby,buthewasn'tanymore.Theywerefriends,atleast,
weren'tthey?
They'dbebetterfriendsifhewouldn'twatchsofixedlywhenshenursedPatrick.Likenow.Shesaton
oneendofthecouch,legscurledunderher,Patricklyinglengthwisealongherarm,mouthfirmlyattached
toherbreast.Nathansatontheotherendofthecouch.Becausehewassoclose,shewasbeingas
discreetasshecouldmanage;she'darrangedhershirtsothathecouldn'tpossiblyhavecaughtmorethana
fleetingglimpseofherbreastbeforePatricklatchedon.Hewouldn'thaveseeneventhatmuchifhe'd
reallybeenwatchingtheTVnews,hisostensiblereasonforloungingonlyafewfeetawayfromher.But
hewasn't,anymorethanshewas.Shecouldfeelhiseyesonher,andsheknewthatifshelookedupshe
wouldseethem,narrowed,intense,dark.
Disquieting,makingithard,suddenly,forhertobreathe.
Whatwasshesupposedtodo?Cry,"Don'tlookatmethatway?"
Besides.Okay,admitit,sheorderedherself,pretendingtowatchPeterJenningschataboutastalemated
Congress.YoulikeknowingNathan'swatchingyou.itturnsyouon.
Thatwaswhatwasreallygettingtoher.Itwasn'thim,itwasher.
Shewantedhim.Fiercely,hungrily,sweetly.Everynerveinherbodyseemedtobeawareofhim,likea
radiotunedtoonlyoneairwave.
ShesighedandfeltNathanstirtwocushionsdownthecouchfromher.
Andnowonder.Congressmighthavewarrantedthesigh;thebouncycommercialcurrentlyonfor
dishwashingdetergentdidn't.ShetransferredhergazefromthetelevisiontothefuzzytopofPatrick's
head.Hissuckingwasslowing,hiseyeshaddriftedshut.Soonhismouthwouldslipfromherbreast,and
shewouldhavetoeasehimuptohershoulderandrefastenherbraatthesametime.Inherheart,she
knewshemightdawdlejustthetiniestbitwiththebraclasp.
Shewaspathetic.Awomanwho'dhadababyonlythreeweeksbeforeandhadafreshincisioninher
stomachshouldn'tbe,howeversubtly,tryingtoseduceaman.Orlettingherselfbeseduced.Shewasn't
surewhichwashappening.Allsheknewwas,ifNathanbeckoned,she'dwanttogomorethanshe'dever
wantedanything.
WithmomentaryhumorBethamendedthethought:she'dgoduringthoseraretimesshe'dhadenoughsleep
tofeelhuman.Inthemurkylightofdawn,evenNathan'sbarechestdidn'tincitepassion,onlycomfort.
BethfrownedalittleTherewasthatwordagain,anoddonetousetodescribeyourfeelingsforaman
youwereinlovewith.
And,oh,shewasinlovewithhim.Forthefirsttimesheadmittedit,knewit,acceptedit.Sheloved
NathanMcCabe.NotRob.ShenolongerthoughtofhimwhenshelookedatNathan;Nathandidn'teven
remindherofRobanymore.Infact,theotherdaywhenshe'dglancedatthephotographsonthemantel,for
asecondshe'dbeenstartled,notbecauseNathanlookedlikeRob,butbecauseRoblookedlikeNathan.
WhenshethoughtaboutRobatall,itwaswithfondness,apallidemotion.Whathadoncebeenlovehad
eroded,theedgeswornawayuntilitwaslikeasmallsmoothstoneshecarriedinherpocketandranher
fingersoveronceinawhile.Shewouldneverthrowthestoneaway,butneitherwoulditeverpreoccupy

herthewaythesedisturbing,rough-edgedfeelingsforNathandid.FallinginlovewithRobhadbeen
easy,fun;she'dbeenatanagewheneveryonewaspairingup,andhewashandsome,intelligent,madeher
laugh.
Whydidithavetobesodifficultthistimearound?Patrickwasasleep.Shegentlytouchedthefurrows
betweenhisbrows.Then,beforeshemovedhim,shesneakedaglanceatNathan.Asshe'dknownhe
wouldbe,hewaslookingatPatrick,too.Oratherbreast.Whenheliftedhisgazetoherface,hismouth
hadatwistshecouldn'tinterpret,andhiseyessmolderedwithdangerousemotions.
Justlikethataquestionpoppedintohermind:whatif,backwhenshe'dmetRob,Nathanhadbeenthere,
too?Whichbrotherwouldshehavefalleninlovewith?
Theanswerwasoneofthoseroughedges.Itcame

withoutatraceofdoubt,leavingguiltinitswake.Worseyet,whatifshe'dmetNathanwhileRobwas
stillalive?Whatifthetwohadreconciled?HowwouldshehavereactedtoNathan?
HerhandsshookalittleassheliftedPatricktohershoulderandthenreachedtofastentheflaponher
nursingbra.Nathan'seyes,unwavering,heldamoltenglow;tensioncamefromhiminwaves.
Fumbling,sheloweredhershirtandpattedherson'sbackuntilasmallburprewardedher.Withajerk,
NathanturnedhisheadtostareattheTV.Otherwise,hewassostillitwasunnatural.
Herlegstrembledwhenshestood."I'mgoingtoputhimtobedandseewhatMandy'supto."
Hedidn'tevenlookather."I'llcleanthekitchenassoonasthenewsisover."
Shenoddedmeaninglesslyandfled.
Anotherweekpassedinmuchthesameway.SheneededNathan,wantedhim,didn'tknowifshecould
beartogoonthisway.Shecouldhardlytalktohimanymore.Whatwashethinking?Shecouldn'tbe
imaginingthewayhelookedather!Whydidn'thesaysomething?Dosomething?
Likekissher.Theywerebothsingle.Unattached.Togetherthey'dcreatedababy.Sheknewheloved
Mandy,aswellasPatrick.Sowhycouldn'ttheyfallintoeachother'sarms,getmarriedandgooffintothe
sunsethandinhand?
Therewasn'tareasonintheworld.Whichmeantshewasimaginingthings.Hewashereoutofasenseof
obligation.HewantedtoprovehereallyintendedtobeaparenttoPatrick.Maybehewasfascinatedby
thesightofhissonnursing.Maybehisexpressiondidn'thaveanythingatalltodowithher.
AsthenextweekwentbyandMarcharrived,herthoughtscircledaroundandaround.Hewantedher;he
wasn'ttheslightestbitinterested.
TypicalwasoneafternoonwhenBethhadjustconvincedherselfofhisindifferenceforthetenthor
twelfthtime.Shewentdowntothekitchenforabefore-dinnerglassofjuice.Nathanwastherechopping
greenpepperonthecuttingboardwithunnecessaryferocity.Helookedupandhiseyespinnedher.
Shealmosttookastepback."I,um,justcamedowntogetsomethingtodrink."
"I'llpouritforyou."Hesetdowntheknife.
"I'mnothelpless,"shesaidmildly."It'sniceenoughthatyou'remakingdinner.Whydon'tyouletmedoit
tomorrownight?"
Hisjawmusclesflexedandhepickeduptheparingknifeagain."Fine,"hesaidcurtly.
Shehadtopasshimtogettotherefrigerator.Thequartersseemedtooclose,eventhoughthekitchenwas
agoodsize.BelatedlyBethwishedshehadlethimpourthejuiceforher.
Assheopenedthecupboardandreachedforaglass,shemomentarilyclosedhereyes.Ifhedidn'teither
moveoutofherhouseorkissherinthenexthour,shewouldgocrazy.Starkravingmad.
"Excuseme,"shemurmuredonthewayback.Heseemednottohearher,turningsuddenlysothathis
denim-cladshoulderbumpedherjustasshepassed,sloshingthejuice."Damn,"hemuttered,andgrabbed
herwithhisfreehand.
Ameaninglesstouch.Andhe'dbeenthisclosetoherdozensoftimes.
Hundredsoftimes.Sowhydidpurelongingshootlikeadrugthroughherbloodstream?Whywereher
kneesbuckling?

Nathanfroze,stillgrippingherupperarm.Hiseyessharpenedlikeacameralensfocusingandzeroedin
onhermouth.Shestaredupathim,mesmerized.Histhroatvibratedashegrowledsomething,andthenhis
headbentslowly.Hereyelidssankshut,herlipspartedandshetiltedherheadback.
Thenextthingsheknew,hereleasedhersoquicklyhemightaswellhaveshovedheraway.Whenshe
openedhereyes,shewaslookingathisback.Afterasecondthechop,chop,chopresumedasheturned
thedicedgreenpepperintounusableshreds.Bethfled.Again.Runningawaywasgettingtobeahabit.

HadMomandUncleNatehadafightorsomething?Theyhardlytalkedatallorlookedateachother,
exceptsometimeswhenhesatstaringatMomlikehewasmadather.Exceptthatwasn'tquiteright.
Mandydidn'tknowwhathewasthinking.Sheonlyknewthatthingsweren'tgoingthewayshewanted
themto.
Mandysatbroodingonherbed.CalvinandPollywrestledaroundher,tumblingandsqueakingwhenteeth
sankintoofar.Sometimesshe'dreachoutandstrokeoneofthem,andthey'dpauseforasecondbefore
springingbackintobattle.
She'dbeensosurePatrickwouldbefun,eventhoughsheshouldhaverememberedthatlittlebabies
weren't.Hewaskindofcutewell,cuterthanhe'dbeenatfirst,anyway.Notsored.Whenhegrabbedher
fingerandheldittightly,hisownsoincrediblytinybutreallystrong,shefeltasurgeofsisterlypride.He
likedholdingontoherbetterthananyone.
Shemighthaveenjoyedhelpingwithhisbaths,excepthehatedthemandscreamedandscreamedinside
thebathroomwithitstiledwalls,hiscryinghurtMandy'sears.Atfirstshefeltimportantwhenshe
changedhisdiaper,butwhenhe'dpooped,itwasgross.Othertimesthediaperwassosoggyshehatedto
touchit.And,sinceMomwasnursing,Mandycouldn'tevengivePatrickabottle.Momsaidshe'd
introduceonesoon,sootherpeoplecouldtakecareofhimsometimes,butshehadn'tyet.Sowhatusewas
abigsister?
UncleNatedidn'tignoreherjustbecausehehadhisownkidnow,buthewasn'tfunlikeheusedtobe,
either.Foronething,heandMomwerealwaystired.Patricksleptmoreduringthedaythanhedidat
night.Andhereallycouldyell.MandyknewthatbothUncleNateandMomnappedwhenshewasat
school,butitdidn'tseemtohelpthatmuch.Maybenotenoughsleepexplainedwhytheywereboth
grumpy.AndwhenUncleNatewasn'tmoppingthekitchenormakingdinner,hewasinMom'soffice
working.Thefaxmachineclatteredpracticallynonstop.
Ifshehadaquestionaboutherhomework,he'danswerit,andshehelpedhimwithdinneranddidmore
choresthanusual,butheneverwantedtoplaygamesorjusttelljokesandbedumblikehedidbefore.
SometimesshealmostwishedPatrickhadneverbeenborn.Exceptshehadthatselfishreasontobeglad
hehadbeen.Andifithadn'tbeenforhim,UncleNatewouldn'thavebeenlivinghereatall.Mandykept
wonderingifhewasgoingtostayforgood,evenifheandMomdidn'tfallinloveandgetmarriedlike
she'ddreamedtheywould.Butshedidn'task;shewasafraidshe'dremindhimthathereallyoughtto

go.Becauseshelikedhavinghimhere.Shejustwishedhe'dlightenup.
BythetimesheheardPatrickawakingfromanapandthenhermom'smurmurs,thecatshadworn
themselvesoutandwerecurledtogethersleeping.ShebentdownandkissedPolly'swhitetummyand
Calvin'screamyyellowone.ThenshewentintothehallandknockedonMom'sbedroomdoor.
"Comein,"hermothercalled.
Shesatcross-leggedinthemiddleofthebed,Patricklyingonhisbackinfrontofher.Shewaschanging
hisdiaperandticklinghistoes.WhenMandystoppedbesidethebed,shesawthathiseyeswerealittle
widerandbrighterthanusual.Atleasthelookedinterested,evenifhedidn'tknowhowtosmileyet.
"He'sstillsolittle."Shedroppedtoherkneesandrestedherelbowsonthebedsoshewaseyelevelwith
herbabybrother.
"Hewasalittlepremature.Heweighedalmosttwopoundslessthanyou.He'sjustbarelycatchingup."
Mombentoverandblewonhistoes.Patrick'seyesgotevenwiderandhisarmswaved.
"Areyouenjoyinghim?"Mandyaskeddubiously.
"Enjoying?"Momlaughed."Yes.Exceptatcertaininterludesinthemiddleofthenight."
"What'stoenjoy?"
Momtookthequestionseriously,tiltingherheadtoonesideasshefastenedthetapesonthediaper.
"Whenyouhaveyourownbaby,it'sspecial.Heneedsme.Thatmakesmefeelallmushyinside.Andoh,
it'sexciting,thewayhechangeseveryday.Thefirstfewyearsarelikearace.IfIlookawayforevena
minute,Imisssomeofit."
"I'mchangingeveryday,too,"Mandysaid,tryingtosoundgloomybutnotsureshemeantit.Havingher
bodychangesofastsometimesscaredher,butsometimesmadeherfeellikeshewasreallygrown-up.
Justyesterdayshe'dnoticedColinHillmanstaringatherchest.He'dturnedbrightredwhenherealized
she'dseenhim.
"Changing...Oh."Momsmiled."How'sthelegshavinggoing?"
"It'sokay.Idon'tcutmyselfveryoften."Mandyhesitated."Doyouthinkmybreastswillgetverybig?"It
wasweirdthinkingaboutstufflikethatnowthattherewasagoodchanceshemightnotdie.
MombuzzedherlipsagainstPatrick'sbaretummy.Allhislimbswavedagain,likeseaanemonesonthe
bottomoftheocean."Hardtosay,"Momadmitted."Minearen'tespeciallylarge.AndGrandmawasn't
busty.Lookatpicturesofyourothergrandmother.Ithinkmaybeshewas.Butsinceyougetgenesthrough
yourgrandfathers,too...Heck,whoknows?Willyoumindifyoudo?"
"I'dhateit!"Mandysaidvehemently."KrystalPetersatschoolalreadywearsaCcupshebragsabout
itandshebouncesupanddowneverytimeshemoves.YououghttoseeherinPE.Theboyscanhardly
takestheireyesoffher,butevenifshelikeshavingbigboobs,Ithinkthey'dbeuncomfortable."
Mommadeaface."Maybealittle.Besides,Ihadabuxomfriendincollegewhosworeshe'dmarrythe
firstguywholookedatherfacebeforeherchest."
"Anddidshe?"
"Ifshedidn'tchangehercriteria,ittookherawhiletofindhim.Shedidn'tgetmarrieduntilshewas
thirty."

"Oh."Mandythoughtaboutit."IsthereanythingIcando?Likeexercises,or...or..."
"Sorry."Momgrinnedandleanedovertokisshernose.Patrickgurgled,asiftheattentionshouldallbe
his."Howaboutkeepingyourfingerscrossed?"
"Yeah,likethat'sgoingtohelp,"Mandygrumbled.ButshesupposedifGodletherlivebutmadeherhave
bigboobs,sheshouldn'tcomplaintoomuch.AndshehadsortoflikeditwhenColinnoticedshewas
...well,agirl.
Momjustsmiledagain."Canyoureachthatsleeper?"
PatrickwassolittleMomdidn'tputhiminrealclothesyet.Healwaysworethoseknitone-piecepajamas
withfeet.Thisonewasbrightblueandhadanelephantembroideredonthefront.
"Cute,"Mandysaid,handingitover.
Patrickdidn'twanttogetdressed.Hekickedandwriggledandarchedhisbackandevenscreechedwhen
Mominsisted."Sillyboy,"shecooed."Itisn'twarmenoughtostaynaked.Wait'llsummer.Thenyoucan
sleepinnothingbutyourdiaper.Ipromise."Hisfacejustscruncheduplikeatrolls.Momlaughedsoftly.
"WhenIwasababy,didIlooklikehim?"Mandyhopednot.
Momfinishedsnappingupthefrontofthesleeper."Alittle.Prettier,though.Youseemedtobemore
cheerfulaboutlife."
"YousaidIwasyoursunshine."Momwouldn'tforgetstufflikethatnowthatshehadanotherbaby,would
she?
Hermotherimmediatelybegancaroling,"Youaremysunshine,myonlysunshine!"Mandyjoinedherfor
therest.
Whenthey'dfinishedandweresmilingateachother,Momadded,"ActuallyIthinkyoulookedmorelike
picturesofmewhenIwasababy,eventhoughyouhaveyourdad'scoloring.Ifhe'deverquitfrowning,I
suspectPatricklooksmorelikebabypicturesofyourdad.Andyouruncle,ofcourse."
FromthedoorwayUncleNatesaid,"Consideringhe'smyson,notRob's,it'sniceofyoutotackmeon."
Moro'sheadshotup."It'sRob'sbabypicturesIhaveinanalbum,notyours."
Hestayedinthedoorway."Weweretogetherinmostofthem."
"Probably,butnonethelesstheyweremyhusband's.ThelasttimeIlookedatthem,Ididn'tknowyou.I
didn'tthink,oh,Nathan'seyesaren'tshapedlikeMandy's.Itwasherdad'sfaceIpaidattentionto."
Feelinganxious,althoughshewasn'tsurewhyMandytriedtodistracthim."Youlookedexactlyalike,
anyway,didn'tyou?"
Hiseyesdidn'twaverfromMom's."Wemayhavelookedalike.Butweweren'talike."
"Mandy."Momsoundedpleasant,asthoughtherewasn'tanythingwrong.
Buttherewas."WillyoutakePatrickdownstairs?Youcanputhiminthebassinetifyouwant.Justkeep
aneyeonhim.I'dliketotalktoyouruncleforaminute."
"Okay."Herchesttight,Mandypickedupherbrother,carefullysupportinghishead.Neitheradultsaida
worduntilshe'dlefttheroomandclosedthe

doorbehindher.ShethoughtshecouldhearMom'svoiceasshestarteddownthestairs.
AsickfeelinginMandy'sstomachtoldherthat,ifMomandUncleNatehadn'thadafightyet,theywere
havingonerightnow.

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

Themomentthedoorquietlyshutbehindherdaughter,Bethasked,"WaswhatIsaidthatoffensive?"
"Itdidn'tstrikeyouasalittlestrange?"Nathanasked,teethgritted.Maybehewasoverreactingbymaking
suchanissueofthis,butfindingoutshesawRobeveninPatrick'sfacehadplayedintoallhisworst
fears."Comparingoursontoyourfirsthusband,insteadofhisfather?"
Bethscrambledoffthebedtofacehim."Youwereidenticaltwins!AllIwasdoingwascomparing
Mandy,wholooksmorelikeme,withPatrickwhoIthinkisgoingtolooklikeyouandRob.Where'sthe
harminthat?"
"Goddamnit,he'smyson!NotRob's!"Withshock,Nathanrealizedhe'dshouted.
Sheplantedherhandsonherhipsandshoutedback,"Iknowheis!"
"Doyou?"heaskedmorequietly.
Bethgasped.Fromrage,hurt,hedidn'tknow."YoustillthinkIseeRobeverytimeIlookatyou,don't
you?"
Heswore."Idon'tknow."
"I'lltakethatasayes."
Heslappedahanddownonthecribrail.Thewhole

cribjumpedandthemobilehangingaboveitswungwildly."Takeitanydamnwayyouwant!"
Shebackedupastepandstaredathimwithhugeeyes.Incontrast,hertonewasalmostmusingwhenshe
said,"Thequestionis,whydoyoucare?Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyouwhetheryourbrother's
widowisstillpiningforhim?"
Allthatrageandanguishbottledinsidehimbrokefreeandhestalkedforward."You'replayinggames.
Youknowwhy."
Shecouldhaveretreatedafewmoresteps,butdidn't."DoI?"
Throwinghisownquestionsbackinhisfacewasn'tcalculatedtosoothethewildbeastshe'dunchained.
Hesworeagain,tookonemorestride,snatchedherintohisarmsandcapturedhermouthwithhis.He'd
quitthinking,wasblindwithdesperatehungerandbone-deephurt.Thekisswasn'tgentle;but,ohGod,
shewassosoft,hertasteaspotentandsmoothasfinescotch,thesmallsoundsshemadedrivinghis
frenzy.
Eveninhismindlessstate,heslowlynoticedthatshedidnomorethanstandpassiveinhisembrace.Her
lipswereparted,herbreathcamequickly,hereyeshadfallenclosed,butshewasn'tkissinghimback.
Herarmsstayedathersides.
Agroantoreitswayfromhisthroat,whichfeltraw.Hepushedherawayandbackedupuntilhislegshit
thebed,wherehestoodswaying,rubbinghisfacewithhishand.
"Youdidn'treallyanswermyquestion,"shesaidinavoicethatwouldhavesoundedcomposedhaditnot
beenforahuskynote.
Helookedupincredulously."Whatquestion?"
"WhydoyoucarehowIfeelaboutRob?"Shepaused."Oryou?"
Nowheknewhewasgoingcrazy.Maybethekisshadn'thappened.He'dimaginedit.Heshookhishead,
tryingtoclearit."Youcan'ttell?"
"Icantellyouwantme."Forthefirsttimehergazelowered,herlashesshieldingherexpression."Isthat
allthereistoit?"
Hemutteredaprofanityandsankontotheedgeofthebed,buryinghisfaceinhishands.Howhadhe
blownitsobadly?He'dwanderedintoanightmare.No,he'dcreatedhisownnightmare.
Theonlythinggoodaboutitwasthathehadnothingtolosenow.
Helookedupagain,eyespainfullydryandjawclenched."Iloveyou."
Herlashessweptupand,pupilsdilated,shestaredathim.Foramomenthe'dhaveswornhermouth
softened,andemotiondeepenedthegrayofhereyes.Aninstantlaterherfacetwistedandsheturned
away.Shewasdrawingdeepraggedbreaths,herheadbent,andallhecouldlookatwastheslenderline
ofherneckandtheheavyweightofpalehaircarelesslyknottedaboveit.Hewantedtoputhislipsagainst
thatsoftskin,nuzzlehercuds.Hewanted.Hisfistsknottedandheclosedhiseyes.Waiting.
Hedidn'topenthemuntilshespoke,voicefirm,unrevealing."Youneedtomoveout,Nathan."
Henoddeddumbly.
"OfcourseyoucanvisitPatrickandMandy."
Butnother.Shewouldtakecaretobeelsewhere.Heknewit.
"Iwish..."Hervoicefalteredthetiniestbit."I

wishyou'dfindsomewaytoforgiveRob.Oryourself."
"Forwhat?"Hesoundedhard.Unforgiving.
"Idon'tknow."Herbreathcameoutinasigh."Himforbeingtoomuchlikeyou.Forbeingjealousofyou.
Yourselfforcuttinghimoff."
"Youdon'tthinkhedeservedit?"
"Idon'tknow,"Bethsaidagain,facesorrowful."WhatIdoknowisthathewasagoodman.Notperfect.
Butwhois?Andhelovedyou."
IntensegriefhitNathanwithalltheforceofthehead-oncollisionthathadkilledhisbrother.Apartofhim
lookedoninastonishmentasahugesobconvulsedhischest.Hefoughtit,throwingbackhisheadand
clenchinghisteethandthinkingaboutanythingeverythingbutRob.Hisotherhalf.
Agentlehandtouchedhisarm."Nathan"
"No,"hesaidharshly."Leaveit."
Bethtookherhandback.Hermagnificenteyessparkledwithhurtandpride."That'syourphilosophy,isn't
it?"
"Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?"
"You'vejust...shutawaywhateveritisyoufeelforRob.Untilyouopenthatdoorandtakeagoodlong
look,youaren'tgoingtobereadytoloveanyoneelse.Especiallynotsomeoneheloved.Youneedto
resolveyourfeelingsforhim."
Hegotupandpacedawayfromher,swungbackandsaidbitterly,"You'reapsychologistnow?You're
surethere'ssomedeepmeaningtothefactthatwecompetedandendeduphatingeachother'sguts?Life
canbethatsimple,youknow."
Herknotofhairslippedwhensheshookherhead.
"Idon'tthinkso.Notwhenyouweretwins.Eachhalfofasingleegg."
Heutteredanobscenity.
Hereyebrowsrose."Fine,"shesaidtartly."Gowallowinhate.Butdon'tdoithere.Iwon'thaveyou
glaringatmebecauseyouimagineI'mbeingsickenoughtopretendmydeadhusbandisaliveinyour
body!"
"Ineversaid"
"Yes,youdid!"Flat-outangerflushedhercheeksandglitteredinhereyes."Andyoucallwhatyoufeel
formelove?"Shesaiditwithloathing.
"Yes."He'dmakeherbelievethatmuch."Iloveyou.Heartandsoul."Hegaveabitterlaugh."Iguessit
goestoshowthatyou'reright.Evenourdamnedbraincellswereidentical.RobandIcouldn'thelploving
thesamewoman.AllIwanttoknowisthatI'mnotsecond-best.Thathe'sgoneandit'smeyousee."
"Notsecond-best?Whatyoumeanis,youwanttobesureyoucameoutfirst.Wontheblueribbon.Beat
outbrotherRob."
Shewaswrong.He'dneverbeentheonewhocaredaboutwinning."Youropinionofmeisheartwarming.
Idon'tevenknowwhywe'rehavingthisdiscussion."Hisjawsgroundtogether."Whydidn'tyoujustsay
youdon'tloveme?Neverwill?"
Hergazefellfromhis."Because,"shesaidsoftly,"Ido."
Hequitbreathing.
Herlashesliftedagaintorevealeyesasclearasthepurestmountainlakeandutterlyhonest."Ihaven't
beenabletofigureoutwhywedidn'tjustfall

intoeachother'sarms.Gooffintothesunset."Shemadeasmallhelplessgesture."NowIknow."
Fearclawedathischest."Iloveyou."
"Love,"shesaidunhappily,"makesyousoterriblyvulnerable.Itcan'tworkunlessyoutrusteachother.
BecauseofRob,youcan'ttrustme."
Hefeltasifhe'dchosentoclimbamountainun-roped,andnowhisfingerswereslippingfromholdsona
steeprockface.Hoarselyhesaid,"Iknowyou'dneverbetrayme!"
"Exceptinmyheart,whereyouthinkI'mbetrayingyoueveryday."Sheshookherheadhardwhenhetook
asteptowardher."No.Gobacktoyourcondo.Or...oreventoPortland.Figureoutwhyyoucan't
believethatI'veletRobgo.Figureitoutforyourownmentalhealth,ifnothingelse.But,please"her
voiceshattered"go.Today.Now."
Hewent,blunderingfromherroomtohis,throwinghisthingsinhissuitcases,forcingthemshut.He
walkedstraightoutofthehousewithoutlookingintothelivingroomwhereheknewPatrickandMandy
were.Andhedroveaway,notknowingwhetherhe'deverbeabletocomehomeagain.

Thedoorcrackedopen."Mom."Mandy'svoicecamehesitantly."UncleNate...UncleNateleft.Hetook
allhisstuff."
Bethshouldhavebeensobbing.Instead,shestoodintheexactsamespotshe'dbeenwhenhewalkedout
oftheroom.Lot'swife,turnedtoapillarofsalt.Hereyesweregrittyandherinsideswereasarid.
Shescarcelyfeltanything.Shehadtobenumb.Surelyitwouldhurtlater.
"Iknow."Thewordsscrapedout."Iaskedhimtogo."
Mandy'sfacecrumpledinshock."Youaskedhim?"
Pitywasthefirstemotiontotricklethroughthecrystallinesaltthatwasherheart."Honey"
"Ilikedhavinghimhere!"herdaughtercried."Helikedme!"
"Iknow."SheshouldhavehuggedMandy,heldher,comfortedher.
Instead,Bethsankontotheedgeofthebedandsighedsodeeplyshefelthollow.Shepattedthespot
besideher."Comehere."
Mandysniffled."IleftPatrick."
"Inthebassinet?"
Anod.
"Thenhe'llbeokay.Hecan'texactlyclimboutandtoddleoff."
"Butifhegetsunhappy..."
"We'llhearaboutit."
"Oh.Yeah.Iguessso."StillMandydidn'tcome."Ineedtoblowmynose."
"Gogetaboxoftissues."
Mandynoddedagainandwent.Bethwonderedifshewouldcomebackorgohideout,maybeatthe
willowtreeorinthebarn.Sheundoubtedlydidn'twanttobeheld,notbyhermotherthebetrayer,who
haddrivenawaythemanwhowasherfatherinallbutname.
DearGod,didIdotherightthing?Bethasked,butgotnoreply.
MaybeallNathanhadneededwastime.Reassurance.Hadn'tsheherselfbeenconfusedearlyon?She'd
admittedasmuch.Anditwasn'tasifshe'deverannouncedoneday,"I'moverRob.WhenI'mhavingerotic
dreams,InolongergetconfusedoverwhichmanI'mdreamingabout."
ButhowcouldNathannothaveknown?Herconfusionhadbeenshortlived.Hewasn'tatalllikeRob,not
inanyofthewaysthatcountedexceptbeingagoodparent.Hemustknowthat.Didhethinkthatshewas
anidiot,thatshecouldn'tdistinguishbetweenthetwoofthem?
No,herbrainshadnothingtodowithit,shethoughtunhappily.Nathanwassowrappedupinhisown

jealousyhe'dneverseeherstraight.Orwasitguiltthatmadehimunabletobelieveinherlove?
Diditmatterwhichitwas?Shewasn'tgoingtowalkintoarelationshipwhenthemansuspectedherof
infidelity,evenifitwaswithaghost.
She'ddonetherightthing.
Maybeforherself,butnotnecessarilyforMandy.NevermindlittlePatrick,whowasgoingtohavetodo
withoneevenweetiercrankierparent.
Mandyappearedinthebedroomdoorway,boxoftissuesinhand.ShestoodthemuncertainlyuntilBeth
pattedthebedagain.
"IputPatrick'slittlemirrorinwithhim.He'slookingathimself."
"Vainalready."
Mandy'sglassesrosehighonherscrunched-upnose."Howcouldhebe?"
"Givehimamonthortwo.He'llbebeautiful."Shehesitated."Mandy"
Attheprecisesamemomentherdaughtersaid,"Mom"
Theybothstopped.BethsqueezedMandy'shand."Youfirst"
"Hedideverything.Imean,becookedandwashedclothesanddrovemeand...Ican'tcook.AndI'm
alwaysforgettingtotakestuffoutofthedryer,soit'swrinkled,and"
"Sweetie."Notquitedaringtotesttheirrelationshipwithahugyet,BethsqueezedMandy'shandagain.
"I'mhealthy.IcandomosteverythingIusedtodo.We'vemanagedfinealltheseyears,haven'twe?"
"Yeah,but..."Mandyduckedherhead.
"Butwhat?"
"Itwascoolwithhimhere!"sheburstout."More'likearealfamily!"
Knifetotheheart."Yeah,itwas,wasn'tit?"
"Whydidyouaskhimtogo?Idon'tunderstand."
Onlyforaseconddidsheconsiderwell,notlying,buttellinglessthanthetruth.SheandMandyhad
finallylearnedtobehonestwitheachother.Shewasn'tgoingtoriskthatgainbecauseitwashardtalking
aboutherfeelings,nottomentionadultloveandsexualattraction.
"It'scomplicated."
Mandywaited,thattoo-oldexpressiononherface.
"Hethinkshe'sinlovewithme."
Shockraplacedtheskepticismonthetwelve-year-old'sthinface."Andyoudon'tlovehim?"
"Idolovehim.No"sheheldupherhand"listen.Youknowheandyourdadgotangryenoughateach
othernottospeakforfifteenyears."Mandynodded.
"Well,asfarasIcantell,Nathanstillresentsyourdadorfeelsguiltybecausetheydidn'tmakeupor
something.Haveyounoticedhowhedoesn'ttalkaboutyourfatheranymore?"
Herdaughter'sbrowcreasedasshethoughtabout

it."Iguess,"shefinallysaid."Imean,Ihadn'tnoticed,but"
"Ittookmeawhile,too.Anyway..."Onemorehesitation.Thiswasthehardpart."He'sconvincedthatI
stillloveyourdadandthatI'mattractedtohimbecausehelookslikeyourdad.Hethinkshe'sa
substitute."
Mandy'smouthopenedinacircle."But...but..."
"Myreactionexactly.Thethingis,Ican'tconvincehim.SoItoldhimtoresolvehisfeelingsaboutRob
andinthemeantimeIdidn'twanthimaroundthehouseglaringatme."
"Oh."
"DoyouthinkIwaswrong?"
Herdaughtergaveasmall,"Idon'tknow."
Sheshouldn'thaveasked.Shewastheadult."You'llstillbeseeinghim,"Bethsaidbracingly."Just
becausehemovedoutdoesn'tmeanhewon'tbehereoften."
"Hedidn'tevensaygoodbye!"Mandyflungherselfintohermother'sarms,sobbing.
Ifshe'dbeenmadeofsalt,she'dhavedissolvedliketheWickedWitchoftheWest,becausethenextthing
Bethknew,shewascrying,too.Hergriefwasalmostasterribleaswhenshe'dlostRob.She'donlyloved
twomeninherlife.Onewasdeadandnowshe'ddriventheotheraway.
Mandy'sshouldersquitshakingatlast;sherubbedhertear-streakedfaceonBeth'sshoulder.Bethgavea
chokedlaughandwipedherowntearsonMandy'scurlyhair.Butstilltheyheldeachother.
"Doyouthinkhe'llreallycomebacktoseeme?"
"Yes,"Bethsaidwithcertainty,"Ido.Hewouldn'tdesertyouorPatrick."
Underhermother'schin,Mandynodded."Butwhataboutyou?Willheeverseethatyoulovehim,not
Dad?"
Shehadn'tthoughtshecouldcryanotherdrop,buttearsburnedagaininhereyes."Ihaven'taclue."She
blinkedhard."Ididloveyourfather,youknow."
"Iknow."Mandy,herfaceblotchy,pulledbacktolookupathermother."ButDad'sbeengonealongtime.
Imean,Ilovedhim,butthatdoesn'tmeanIcan'tloveUncleNate,doesit?Sowhycan'tyou,too?"
Whyindeed?
"Kiddo,"Bethsaidonasigh,"you'resmarterthanheis."

Forthefirstweek,hewasangry.She'dsenthimawaybecauseshelovedhim?Apparentlyshedidn'twant
honestyfromhim;ifhe'dkepthisfearstohimself,he'dbeputtingaringonherfingerrightnow.
Butno,shewantedhimtoentertherapyto"resolve"hisfeelingsforhisbrothersohedidn'thaveto
wonderanymorewhetherRob'swidowmightbejustalittleconfused,whenshewokeupinthemiddleof
thenight,aboutwhichbrother'sheadrestedonthepillownexttohers.
Wasthatsounreasonable?
Thenextweekhewassogoddamneddepressedhecouldhardlymakehimselfrolloutofbedevery
morningandstumbletotheshower.Forthefirsttimesincecollege,hegotfalling-downdrunkonenight,
butinsteadofanesthetizinghim,theboozemadehimmaudlin.Bethwastheloveofhislife;he'dlosthis
littleboy;Mandywoulddieandneverknowthathefeltlikeherfather.Heevendialedtheirnumberwith

theintentionofdrunkenlytellingthemhowdevotedhewas.ThankGodhedialedthewrongnumberand
reachedsometotalstranger'sansweringmachine.
ThethirdweekhepulledhimselftogetherenoughtocallMandyandoffertodrivehertodramaclass.She
acceptedwithsuchpatheticeagernesshehungupfeelinglikeacrud.Bigman,sulkingfortwoweeks.
Ashe'dexpected,BethwasnowheretobeseenwhenhepickedupMandy.
HisniecedidtakehimintothelivingroomtovisitPatrick,whowasawakeinhisbassinet.Thedarkhair
wasfluffynow,thecheeksplumpandpink,thebrowneyesbrightandfocused.SeeinghowmuchPatrick
hadchangedwaslikeafistinNathan'sstomach.Hewasmissinghisson'slife.ButobviouslyPatrickwas
thriving.Hedidn'tneedhisfather.
Besidehim,Mandybounced."Ticklehistummy.Hereallylikesthat."
"Okay."Hidinghisgloom,heforcedagrinandtrailedhisfingersoverastomachalmostasroundasthe
cheeks.
Patrickwriggled,hisarmsandlegswaved,andthenhismouthopenedinahugetoothlesssmile."He's
smiling,"Nathansaidfoolishly.
Mandybouncedagain."Isn'titcool?Hesmiledforthefirsttimeaweekorsoago.MomscreamedandI
camerunningintoherbedroom.Ofcoursehewouldn'tdoitagain,andIdidn'tbelieveher,buttheninthe
morning,thesecondhesawmehesmiled.Itwas,like,themostexcitingthingever!"
Heshouldhavebeenhere.HehidhispainandswungPatrickupinhisarms,ticklingandgrinninguntil
he'dearnedenoughsmilestostoreawayforthelonelyeveningsathiscondo.
AtleastPatrick'sachievementhadkeptanyawkwardnessfromdevelopingbetweenhimandMandy.They
talkedlikealwaysduringthedriveeachway.Itwasanothereveningwherehegottowatchpartofthe
class,butthistimehefeltlikeafraudamongtheparents.
Hedidn'tcomeintothehousewithMandywhenhetookherhome,eventhoughsheinvitedhim.What
wouldhavebeenthepoint?Allhe'dhaveachievedwouldbetomakeBethuncomfortableassumingshe
didn'tseehimcomingandgointohidingfirst.
SometimeafterthatnightNathanstartedhavingdreamsaboutBethandthekidsthatwerevividenoughto
staywithhimwhenhewokeup.Atfirstthedreamswereinnocuous,justlittlesnippetsofhimrocking
PatrickwhileMandychattered,orofBethbreastfeedingPatrick,orofallofthemwadinginthestreamby
thewillowtreeinsomesortofperpetualsummer.
Butafterafewnightsthedreamsstartedgettingweird.He'dbestaringatPatrickfeelinghostilebecause
hissonlookedlikeRob,insteadofhim.Once,Robwasthere,andNathanknewhimselftobeinvisible,
watchinghisbrotherwithhisfamily.ThekickerwasthenighthewasRob,feelingsmugasallget-out
abouthisbeautifulwifeandcutekids.
Thattime,Nathan'seyesshotopenandhestareduncomprehendinglyintothedarkness.Hesworeandsat
up,puttinghisfeetonthefloor.Whatthehellhadthatbeenallabout?
Beth'saccusation,hethoughtgrimly,runninghishandsthroughhishair.He'dhardlythoughtaboutRobin
thepastthreeorfourmonths,andthenshe'd

decidedhewasobsessedwithhisbrother.Now,courtesyofher,heapparentlywas.
Yeah,butwhatdidthedreammean?HewantedtobeRob?OnsomelevelheandRobwereoneandthe
same?
Thethoughtwaslessthancomforting.
Nathanwishedhehadareallyclosefriendhecouldtalkto.Ifit'dbeensummer,he'dhavecalledMattand
suggestedtheyswingtheirpacksontotheirbacksandheadintotheAlpineLakes.Onatwo-orthree-day
hikingtripyoufoundyourselftalking,maybewiththesunhotonyourbackwhileyouputonefootinfront
oftheotherandfeltthepeaceofthehighmountaincountry,ormaybewhenyouweresprawledonyour
sleepingbagstaringatthefireasitdiedintocoalsandleftsuchpuredarknessthestarsshonebrighter
thancitylights.Butitwasn'tsummer.ItwasMarchandraininglikeasonofabitch.
Finally,outofdesperation,hepickedupthephone,anyway.Hisfriend,homeinBeaverton,Oregon,
soundedgladtohearfromhim.Theytalkedaboutworkforaminute,thenMatt'swifeandkids.
OutoftheblueNathansaid,"YouknewIhadabrother."
Hecouldalmostseetheraisedeyebrows.Then,"Yeah.Atwin,wasn'the?"
Nathangrunted."Turnsouthe'sdead.Killedinacaraccidentthreeyearsago.Leftawifeanddaughter."
Silence."Youdidn'tknow?"
"Ilastsawhimfifteenyearsago.Wehadahellofafight,and...timepassed."Eventohim,thatsounded
weak.
"Fifteenyears?"
"His,uh,widowtrackedmedown.Theirdaughter,Mandy,hasleukemia.Sheneedsabone-marrow
donor."
"Areyouamatch?"
"No.That'swhenIgotmyselfintokindofamess.Thedonorregistrycouldn'tfindanyone,either,andthey
wereaboutgivinguphope.Otherrelativesdidn'twork,andMandyhadnosistersorbrothers,whichare
thebestbet.SoI,uh,fatheredason.GeneticallyhecouldbeRob's?"
"And?"
"Hematches.Mandycanhavethetransplantinaboutfivemonths,whenPatrick'soldenough."
"Butyou'renotcelebrating,"hisfriendsaidshrewdly.
"Aboutthat,Iam.It's...Oh,hell.Youdon'twanttohearthis."Hewassuddenlysorryhe'dcalled.What
goodwoulditdotodumpallthisonsomeoneelse?
"Yeah,Iwanttohearit.Whatarefriendsfor?"NathanpicturedMatt,relaxedintheleatherchairinhis
homeoffice,size-twelvefeetinbatteredrunningshoesonhisdesk,whichwouldbeoverflowingwith
undonepaperwork,asusual.Hemighthavehisglasseson,whichvanitymadehimreluctanttowearin
public.GiventhatitwasSunday,he'dbewearingrumpledkhakisandaUniversityofOregonDucks
sweatshirtoverabrawnychestandawaistlinethatwasgettingjustalittlesoft,
"I'minlovewithRob'swidow,"Nathansaidbaldly.
"Yeah?"Matt'svoicesoundedgenuinelyperplexed."Sowhat'stheproblem?Thereisn'tanykindoflaw
againstmarryingher,youknow.Infact,itused

tobetraditionforaman'sbrothertomarryhiswidow.Hewastakingcareofher."
"Theproblemisn'toneoflegalities."Nathanswiveledhischairtogaze,unseeing,attheframed
photographofdeadleavescloggingastream."It'sthefactthatRobandIwereidenticaltwinsthatbothers
me.Whatifitisn'tmeshewants?Whatifthroughmeshe'srecapturingherrelationshipwithRob?"
AlongsilencewasfollowedbytherumblingsoundthatindicatedMattwasthinkingseriously."Doyou
haveanyreasontothinkthat'swhatshe'sdoing?Whatdidsheblowit,callyoubyhisnameinamoment
ofpassion?"
Whichmomentofpassion?Theironeandonly?"Ithoughtshedid.Shedeniesit,and...Oh,hell!I'm
undoubtedlybeingparanoid.Sheprobablydidn't.Shethinks"hehadtoforceitout"shethinksIhave,
quote,unquote,unresolvedfeelingsforRob.Shedoesn'twanttoseemeuntilIdosomethingaboutthem."
"Ah.Isittrue?"
Heswore."Idon'tknow."
"Youplantofindout?"
"How?Spendtenyearsintherapy?"
"Afewsessionsmightnothurt."
"Youthinkshe'sright."
"Ithinkit'salittlestrangethatyou'vehardlymentionedyourtwinbrothertomeinallouryearsofbeing
friends.Thatyoudidn'tevenknowhe'dgottenmarried,hadakid,died.Imean,areyoustillangrywith
him,orwhat?"
Nathansqueezedthebridgeofhisnose."No.Notangry.Ijust...Hell.Idon'twanttofindoutI'mnot
enoughonmyown."Heheardhimselfwithshock.
Thistimethesilencefairlyvibrated."Notenoughwhat?"Mattfinallyasked.
Stillstunned,butthinkinghardlNathansaid,"AsakidIfeltthatway.IwouldhaveswornIdidn't
anymore."Hestopped,blankforamoment."Idon't,I'masuccessfulbusinessman,Imanagedtoget
marriedanddivorcedonmyown,Ihaveadecentlife."
"Butnowyoufeellinkedtoyourbrotheragainbecausethiswomanlovedhimandnowshelovesyou,
too."
Nathanmadearoughsoundinhisthroat."You'reinthewrongbusiness."
"Youkidding?Lawyersareglorifiedtherapists."
"Okay.I'mafraidofbeinglumpedwithRobagain."Thetwins.""
"Nottheworstthinginthewordtohavesomeonewho'llgoback-to-backwithyou,knowswhatyou're
thinking,alwayscares."
"Andscrewsyourgirlfriendbecausehethinksit'sfunnyshecan'ttellthedifferencebetweenyou.Or
maybebecausehedoesn'tlikeyourhavingsomethinghedoesn'thave,too."
"Ah,"hisfriendsaidagain."Yeah,that'sprettycrappy.It'dmakememad.Butwhatwashe?Twenty?
Twenty-one?Akid.Bothofyouwere.Kidsdodumbunthinkingthings."
Blindtohissurroundingsagain,Nathansawthescenewhenhe'dconfrontedRob.Sawthatface,
handsomebutstillunfinished.Nolinescarvedbyexperience.Aboy'sface.They'ddonetwoyearsatthe
localcommunitycollege,sothatjunioryearattheuniversityheandRobhadbeenawayfromhomeforthe
firsttime.Nathan'snaturewasthesteadier,moreearnest,Rob'sthemorereckless.He'dpartiedmore

thanNathanthoughtsmart,drovefaster,datedmorewomen.No,notwomen.Girls.Robhadmockedhim
sometimeswhenhechosethelibraryoverafraternityparty.Thathadirritatedhim.But,Godalmighty,
whyhadtheonestupidstuntlitsuchafuse?
Becausehewaslookingforanexcusetoshedhistwinbrother,findoutifhecouldstandalone?
"Includingme,apparently,"Nathansaiddryly."Dodumbunthinkingthings,thatis."
"Yeah,well"thinkaboutitnow,"hisfriendadvised."Maybethat'sallthiswomanyouloveisasking."
Nathanhungupinadaze.MaybeBethwasright.Maybehewasoverduecomingtotermswitheverything
hisangeratRobhadcosthim.
Likeabrother.Someonewho'dalwaysstoodback-to-backwithhim.
Family.
Oh,yeah,he'dfoundouthecouldbeself-sufficient.He'dlearnedthatsowellhehaddamnnearforgotten
thathe'doncefearedhealonewasincomplete,thatwithoutRobtodrivehim,toprovidethequalitieshe
didn'thave,he'dbeinadequate.Whathe'dnevernoticed,untilhe'dfoundBethandMandy,wasthatself-
sufficiencywasdamnedlonely.
Woulditbesobadtogobacktobeingone-halfoftheMcCabeboys?Toguessthat,onceinawhile,Beth
sawthemindoubleexposure?
Toknowthatshe'dlovedRob,too?

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

Hehadn'tbeenhereinfifteenyears,anditwasallasfamiliarasifhedrovebyiteveryday.Exceptthat
changeskeptjumpingoutathim:theMurrays'houseonthecornerwasgone,replacedbyaconvenience
store.SomebodyhadaddedontotheHowards'placeanawkwardsecondstory.Theyshouldhavehired
anarchitect.Thestreetswerestilltoonarrowandlinedwithparkedcars.Bicycleslayintheone-car
driveways,whichwerecrackedwithage.Basketballhoopshungonthesmalldetachedgarages.When
Nathanwasakid,peoplestayedtheirwholelivesinthisneighborhood,Hewaswillingtobetthatnow,
thesewere"starter"homes,thatfamiliesmovedwhentheirincomesrose.
Hetookthelastturn,seeingnothingbutthehouseinthemiddleoftheblock.Abungalow,stillwhite,with
adeepfrontporch.Theboxwoodhedgewasn'tasneatlytrimmedasDadhadinsistedonkeepingit;
shootsstraggledout.Paintonthehousepeeled.Dadwouldrolloverinhisgrave.
HehaddiedsoonafterRobandNathanhadleftforcollege.Withaspeedthathadtakenthemaback,Mom
soldthehousethey'dgrownupinand:boughtacondooutWheatonWaythatletherwalkortakeabus
everywhereshewantedtogo.Ithadaspare

bedroom;they'dbeenabletocomehomeforChristmas,butitwasn'treallyhome.AndthenMomhad
died,too,quicklyandunexpectedly.NolongerboundtoRobbyanythingbutblood,Nathanhadbeenable
towalkawayfromhisbrotherwithoutweeklylettersorphonecallsfromMomkeepinghimup-to-date,
withouthavingtohidehisenmityoverChristmasholidays.
IfMomhadstillbeenalive,hesuspected,thequarrelwouldneverhavesolidifiedintopermanentsilence.
Chanceswere,he'dhavebeenthereatRob'swedding,heldMandywhenshewastiny,carriedonecorner
ofhisbrother'scasket.
HatedRobanewforhavingthewomanhewanted.
Ormaybeheneverwouldhavelethimselfrealizethathewantedher.Hehopednot.
Hestoppedthecaratthecurbrightinfrontofthehouseandsatthere,wonderingwhatinhellhewas
doinghere.Howwaslookingatthehousehe'dgrownupingoingtoresolveanything?
Lastnight,aftertalkingtoMatt,theideaseemedtomakesense;ifhephysicallywenthome,perhaps
emotionallyhecould,too.Tapintosomethingdeeper.Pullupmemorieshe'drepressed.
Nowhesatherebehindthewheelofhiscarandfeltold.Incrediblyremotefromtheboywhohadlived
here,mowedthatlawn,shearedthehedgeonceDaddeemedhimresponsibleenough.
Atthatthoughtawrysmiletwistedhislips.RobhadbeenreallysteamedwhenDadhandedtheshearsto
Nathanonedayandsaid,"You'veseenmedoitenoughtimes,boy.Goforit."
"Whataboutme?"Robhadasked.
Dadhadshakenhishead."Nomatterhowoftenyourmotherasksyoutouseacuttingboardinthekitchen,
youcan'tbebothered.You'veruinedtheFormica.So,firstyouhavetoproveyou'rereadyforajobwith
sharptools."
Faceflusheddark,Robhadstompedoff.Ofcourse,laterhe'dcomeouttomockNathanforbeingstuck
withasweatytediouschorehe'davoided.
He'devensucceededinmakingNathanfeelhe'dgottentheshortendofthestick.Robhadbeengoodat
that.
Bythenextsummer,they'dshearedthehedgetogether,eachstartingononeendandmeetinginthemiddle.
Thefirsttimethey'dtrieditthatway,they'dmettofindthatRob'shalfwascutmoreruthlessly.
There'dbeenathree-inchdifference.Buthe'dhelpedNathangobackandtrimsomemore,untilitcame
outeven.Actuallytheyhadn'tmadeabadteam.
Nathan'sfingerstightenedonthesteeringwheel.GoodGod,hehadn'tthoughtaboutthatinyears.Hadn't
remembered.Hell,maybetherewassomethingtothis,afterall.Butwhatdidhedonow?Goknockonthe
doorandaskifhecouldwanderthroughthehouse?Right;
Still,hedidgetoutofthecarandslamthedoor.Leaningagainstthefender,hegazedatthehouse.Behind
thedormerwindowupabovehadbeentheirbedroom.AsteenagersheandRobmighthavegottenalong
betteriftheyhadn'thadtoshare.IncollegeNathanhadhadadifferentroommate.Exceptfornightsspent
atfriends'housesorinhotelswhenthefootballortrackteamwasontheroad,itwasthefirsttimeinhis
lifehehadn'tfallenasleeptothesoundofhistwin'sbreathing.Somehowhisroommate'swas

different.He'dtoldhimselfitwasliberating.Allthesame,hehadn'tsleptwellatfirst.
"Hey."Akid'svoicejarredhimoutofhismemories."Youwantsomething,mister?"
Holdingabasketball,aboy,maybeelevenortwelve,stoodinthedrivewaybytheendofthehedge.
Blondhairwascutinthebowlshapeboyscurrentlyfavored.HeworejeansandaNoFearT-shirt.
"Notreally."Nathansmiledcrookedly."Sorry.Imust'velookedstrange.Youlivehere?"
"Yeah."Hesoundedpugnacious."Mybrotherandme.Withourmom."
"Igrewuphere."Nathannoddedtowardthehouse."Ihaven'tbeenbackinyears.Iwasjust...curious."
"Really?"Interestwipedouttheedginess."Youmean,whenyouwereakidyoulivedhere?"
"Yup.MybrotherandIsharedthebedroomupstairs.Dadbuiltinbunkbeds."
"Hey."Theboy'seyeswidened."They'restillthere.Mybrotherandmeshare'em."
"Howold'she?"
"He'sten.I'mtwelve.Nextweek."
"RobandIweretwins,"Nathanoffered."Hediedafewyearsago.Caraccident.It'shimIwasthinking
about.""
"Oh."Thekiddribbledtheballafewtimes."Doyoumisshim?"
Forthefirsttime,eventohimself,Nathanadmitted,"Yeah.Everyday."
Afteramomentofsilence,presumablytorespectNathan'sgrief,theboyasked,"Wasityouwhobuiltthe
treehouse?"
"Inback?"Nathanfoundhimselfgrinning."Inthebigmaple?Yeah.Jeez.Isitstillthere?"
"Itwaskindofrotting,butwhenwerentedthehouse,Momboughtsomelumberandnailsandstuffandlet
mybrotherandmeworkonit.It'sreallycool!"
"Doyousleepouttheresometimes?"
Theboynodded."Youwanttoseeit?"
"Wouldyourmothermind?"
"She'snothomerightnow."Abelatedrecollectionofsafetylecturesmusthavestruckhim,becausehe
addedhastily,"Theneighborsarehome.IncaseIneedsomething."
Nathannoddedsolemnly."Sure.I'dliketoseeit."Astheycircledthehouse,theboyasked,"Didyouput
thatbigholeinthefloorofthetreehouse?Iwonderedwhatitwasfor."
"Thepipe'sgone?"
"Likeafireman'spoleorsomething?"Satisfactionflittedacrosshisface."That'swhatIfigured.My
brotherthoughtmaybeyouhadaropeyouswungfrom."
"Nah,wesliddownametalpipe?"Lookingupatthecirclecutinthetree-housefloor,hecouldstillfeel
thetextureashishandssliddownthecoldpipe,thethudashisfeethitground,thethrill.
"Must'verusted.Maybewecouldgetanewone.How'dyougetittostaythere?"
Attheboy'sinvitation,Nathanscrambledupintothetreehouse.Hissizemadeitfeelcramped,butwhen
heclosedhiseyes,hewastenagain,swelledwithpridebecauseheandRobhadbuiltitwithhardlyany
helpfromDad.Insummeryoucouldhideupherewithoutanybodyknowingsincethebroadmaple

leavesgrewsothick.Itwasquietandgreenandsecret.They'dhauledtheirsleepingbagsupandstayed
outherealmosteverysummernightthatyear,thenthenextandthenext.Theycouldsayanythingthey
wanted,makeupgorystoriesandplanpranksand,later,talkaboutgirlsandwetdreamsandfeelinglike
shrimps.HeandRobhadtalkedaboutthingsotherboyskepttothemselves.SharingsomethingwithRob
wasn'treallyliketellinganotherperson;itwasmorelikethinkingit.Inthosedaystheywerethat
inseparable.
Nathanshowedtheboyhowthey'ddrilledaholejustbigenoughforthepipetoslipintointhebigbranch
abovetheirheads;itwasnomorethanascarnow.Heexplainedhowdeepthey'dsunkthepipeintothe
ground,andhowthey'dtampedaroundthebaseuntilthepoledidn'tevenquiverwhentheyswungontoit.
Theboylistenedraptlyandfinallynodded."Cool!IbetMom'llletusdothat,too."
"Don'ttakeshortcuts.Makesureit'srocksolid."Theboynoddedagainandwalkedhimbacktohiscar."I
guessyoucouldcomein,"hesaiddoubtfully,"ifyouwanttoseethehouseandall."
"Thanks."Nathansmiled."Butthat'sokay.Yourmotherwouldn'tlikeit,and...Idon't'needtogoinside.I
foundwhatIcamefor."
"What'sthat?"
"Memories."Heopenedhiscardoor."RobandIaskids."
"Ibetyouhadfun.Iwishmybrotherwasmyage."
"Sometimesitwasgreat.Sometimesnotsogreat.Butabrotherisspecial."
Theboymadeaface."Iguess."
"Somedayyou'llappreciatehim."
"Yeah,sure."
Nathanlaughed,startedtheengineandwithawavepulledawayfromthecurb.Hetookonelastlookin
hisrearviewmirror.

""Rock-a-byebaby,inatreetop,""Bethsangsoftly,forthefifteenthortwentiethtime.Patricklikedto
fallasleeptosoothingrepetition,notavarietyshow.""Whenthewindblows,thecradlewillrock.""A
peekshowedherthathismouthhadgoneslackaroundhisthumb,andshedidn'tfinishthelullaby,instead
risingtoputhiminhiscrib.Shetuckedtheblanketaroundherinfantson,lingeredforamomenttowatch
himsleep,thenturnedofftheampandleftthebedroom.
Heusuallynappedforacoupleofhoursintheafternoon.Timeforhertodolaundryandputinanhouror
sopreparingtheTillicumCreektaxreturn."Oh,joy,"shemuttered."MaybeIshouldtakeanap,too."
Theideawasseductive,but.No.Shewastryingtogetoutofthehabit.Patrickwaseightweeksoldnow
andsleepingthroughthenight,ifyoucouldcallmidnightuntilsixinthemorninganight'ssleep.Itwas
nowspring.Inthenextfewweeksshewouldhavetobeoutinthefieldsweedingandmulching,not
snoozingawayherafternoons.She'dalreadyarrangedforahalf-daybaby-sitter,anicewomaninher
sixtieswhowatchedtwograndchildren,too.
ThephonerangbeforeBethhaddonemorethanthrowthefirstloadinthewasher.Herheartstilledwhen
sheheardNathan'svoice.

"Beth,I'dliketotalktoyou."Hedidn'tgivetheimpressionofbeingangryorupset.Norwashistone
demanding.Still.

"Allright,"shesaidwarily."Now'sokay."

"MayIcomeover?"
Shehadn'tseenhimforamonth,exceptforstolenlooksbetweenthecurtains.Acoward,she'dhidden
everytimehevisitedthekids.Dumb,consideringthey'dhavetoseeeachotherregularlyforthenext
eighteenyearsorso.Butshehadn'tbeensureshecouldbeartoexchangeafewpleasantwords,watch
himsnugglePatrick,laughwithMandy,nodacoolgoodbye.Notwhenshemissedhimsoterribly.
"I...canyoutellmewhatyouwanttotalkabout?"
"I'dratherdothatinperson."Hesoundedsocalm,noncommittal.Whatifhewantedtoseemoreof
Patrick,maybeintendedtodiscussgettingacourtordersettingoutvisitation?
Shelickeddrylips."Allright."
"Mandy'snothome?"
"No,she'satschool."
"I'llseeyouinhalfanhour,then."Click.Hewasgone.
Shehadthirtyminutesforevertowaitandwonder.Whatdidhewant?
ItfrightenedherthathepreferrednottosaywhateveritwasinfrontofMandy.Unless.Shepressedher
fingerstohermouth.Oh,God.Wasthereanychancehe'ddecidedtofileforjointcustody,takePatrick
awayfromherhalfthetime?
Shewasshaking.Shemadeittoakitchenchairbeforeherlegscollapsed.Hereyessoughtthekitchen
clock.Twenty-fivemoreminutes'.
Whatifthatwasit?He'dlovedbeingwithPatrick,andwhenshe'daskedhimtoleave,he'dprobablyfelt
asifshewastakinghissonaway,too.She'dneverintended.Buthowcouldshegoonlivingwithhim
almostasthoughtheywerehusbandandwife,whenallthetimehethoughtshewaspretendinghewas
Robreincarnated?
He'dgoneawaysoangry.Shecouldn'tevenkidherselfthattherewasanyhopehe'ddoasshe'daskedand
dealwithhisfeelingsforRob.Whyshouldhe?Hethoughtitwasnormalstilltobepainfullyjealousofa
brotherwho'dbeeninhisgraveforthreeyears.Nathanprobablyfiguredshewastheonewithaproblem.
Ifhehadeverreallylovedher,shedoubtedhedidanymore.Thiscouldenduplikethemostbitterof
divorces,withthemfightingoverthechildren.
Andtheyhadbeensohappy.Couldbesohappy."Don'tthinkaboutit,"shesaidaloud.Intheselastpainful
weeksshe'dgrieved,justasshehadforRob.She'dadmittednohope,didn'tdareletherselffeelany,
becausethenitwouldmeanstartingalloverwithtear-soakedpillowsandsleeplessnights.She'dalmost
gonenumb,exceptthosetimeswhensheknewhewascoming,orcouldhearhimdownstairs,orwaited
forhimtobringMandyhome.Andthenshefelttheslicingagonyofhavingtoshareapartofherlifewith
themanshelovedandcouldn'thave.
ButifhetookPatrickfromher.Suddenlysheleapttoherfeetandbegantopace.Whatwouldshedo?
Couldsheaffordtofighthimincourt?Didshehaveanychanceofwinning?DidhewantPatrickthat
badly?Heclaimedtoloveherhowcouldhedosomethinglikethis?
Thedoorbellchimedandherhearttookasickeningjump.Hewashere.

"Calm.Youcanbecalm."Herfingerswrithedtogether.Shetooklongdeepbreaths,willedherheartbeat
toslowdown.Andthenshewenttothedoorandopenedit.
Shehadaflashofdejavu:openingthedoorthatfirstdaytofindamanonherdoorstepwhocouldhave
beenRob.
AndnowshesawonlyNathan,dark,broad-shouldered,intense.
Heshovedhishandsinhispocketsandnodded."Beth."
"Hello,Nathan."Shehesitated,thenstoodback."Comein."
Inthehallwayhisheadturned."Patrickasleep?"
"Henapseveryafternoonaboutthistime."
"AmIkeepingyoufromyournap?"
Oh,howpolitetheywerebeing!"No,"shesaid,leadingthewayintothelivingroom."I'vegiventhemup.
I'mworkingonmytaxesandI'vearrangedforhalf-daybaby-sittingstartingnextweek.I'vegottobe
outsidewe'resettingoutnewstrawberriesandexpandingourraspberryfields,andeverythinghastobe
weededandmulched.Anyway,Ifigureforpartofthedayhecanbeinaplaypenintheshadeorinthe
barnwithme,butwe'regoingtotryhavinghimgotoMrs.Heyer's,twopropertiesdown,justforthree
hourstostartwith."
"You'regivinghimbottlesnow."
"Mandyfeedshimonceaday.Hedoesn'tmind."Nathanseemedtobewaitingforsomething.Shelooked
aroundvaguelyandrealizedtheywerestandinginfrontofthecouch.Morepoliteness."Please,sitdown."
Henodded,waitingonlyuntilshe'dchosenthewingchairfacingthecouch.Hedidn'tloungethewayhe
hadwhenhelivedhere;hesatmorelikeabusinessmanbidinghistime.
Civilitieswereover;theylookedateachother.
Whathesaidwasunexpected."I'vemissedallofyou."
Bethfocusedonherhands,foldedonherlapasthoughshewerealittlegirlatateaparty."We'vemissed
you,too."
"Patrickseemstobedoingfinewithoutme."
Sheliftedherheadinsurprise."Thefactthathe'shealthydoesn'tmean"
"Iwanttobeherewithhim."
Herheartbegantodrum."Whatdoyoupropose?Aseparateapartmentforyou"
"Iwanttomarryyou."Hisvoiceloweredanotch,acquiredahintofhuskiness."Livehappilyeverafter."
"MandyandPatrickwillgrowup.Leavehome."
"Notforthem.Forus."
Abruptlyshewastremblingagain.Shestood,wentbehindthechair,grippingthebacktohidethetremor
inherhands."Ican't,"shesaiddesperately.
Herosetohisfeet,too,althoughhedidn'tcometowardher.ThankGodshe'dhavecrumpled.Asitwas,
thehungerinhiseyesshookhertohercore."I'vebeenthinkingaboutwhatyousaid."
"Nathan"Hisnamecaughtinherthroat.
"TheotherdayIvisitedthehousewhereRobandIgrewup.InBremerton."Mouthwry,helookedaway
fromhertowardthefireplace.
"Acoupleofboyslivetherenow.Italkedtooneofthemforawhile.Heletmegoupinthetreehouse
RobandIbuilt."

"Youmentionedthetreehouse."
"Seeingitbroughtbackthedamnedestmemories.Youknow,Idon'tthinkweeverwentupinitagainafter
weturned,ohfourteen,fifteen.Partlybecausewe'dphysicallyoutgrownit."Thewrynessbecamemore
pronounced."Andpartlybecausewecouldn'tshareitanymore.GoodGod.Idon'tknowwherewewent
wrong."
Shewasalmostafraidtobreathe,butshehadtosaysomething.
"Hormones?"
"Yeah.HormonesandMom."Hefellsilentforamoment."Shelovedussomuch.Shewassoproudofus.
Ithink...shewastryingtoencourageustodevelopindividualidentities.Idon'tknow,maybeshewas
afraidwe'dwearmatchingbusinesssuitswhenwewerefortyifshedidn'tdrivesomekindofwedge
betweenus.Iguesswewereprettyclosewhenwewerelittle.Musthavescaredher.Weactuallyhadour
ownlanguageforawhile.Robevertellyouthat?"
Bethshookherhead.
IfNathansaw,itwasoutofhisperipheralvision,becausehewasstilllookingthelengthoftheroom
towardthephotographsonthemantel.Towardhisbrother.
"Momcouldn'thaveaffordedapsychologist,sosheusedalittleold-fashionedcompetition.YounoticeI
don'tsay'healthy.""
Bethwantedtowrapherarmsaroundhim,feelhiscontrolbreak."No,"shesaid."Nothealthy."
"BythetimewewereincollegeIhatedhim.Itwaslikehisjawmusclesknottedhewasme.Thesideof
meIdidn'tlike.Dr.JekyllandMr.Hyde.Iwastheclassicgoodkidbythen.Hewasthescrewup.Only,I
hadmorestakeinhisscrewupsthanabrotherusuallywould.Hewasme.Iwashim."Nathanlaughed
humorlessly."Hemusthaveresentedthehelloutofme.Nowonder"Hestoppedabruptly.
Herfingersbitintothechairupholstery."No.There'snoexcuseforwhathedid.Itwasn'tfunny,oreven
justcarelessandinsensitive."
Nathanturnedhisheadandhiseyes,darkwithemotion,methers."Robwasangry.Hemusthavebeen."
"Youknow,"Bethsaidquietly,"maybeeachofyougoingyourownwaywasbest.WhenIknewRob,he
was...oh,sometimesalittlelazy,sometimesunthinking,butgood.Mostlyhewasfunnyandsweet.He
adoredMandy.Ifhejusthadn'tbeensosurehewasimmortal..."
"Hewasalwaysreckless.ThatmadehimabetterathletethanIwas."
Creasesbetweenhisbrows,Nathanwassilentforalongtime,seeminglythinking,"ForyearsItold
myselfitwasbest.Wewerebetterapart.Buthell,allIwasdoingwasjustifyingmyownrigid
unwillingnesstoforgive."Hegaveanotherbarkofgrimlaughter."IronicifIwasright."
Shecametohimatlast,stoppingafewfeetaway."Doesitmatteranymoreeitherway?"
Thecreasescameback."Matter?You'retheonewhowassayingitdid."
"No."Shedrewapainfulbreath."HowyourememberRobmatters,notwhetheryouwereabletoforgive
him."
Nathan'svoicewasharsh."You'resayingthatwhatcan'tbechangedshouldbeshruggedoff?."
"No.Onlythatit'sdone.Over.Andyouknow..."

Wasshefoolishtoremindhim?Butshemust.Fortheirsake."RobandIhadagoodmarriage.He
cherishedhisdaughter.Infact"onelasthesitation"Isuspecthewashappierthanyou'vebeen."
Nathanlookedather,layersofprotectionsuddenlystrippedawaytorevealheartbreakingvulnerability."I
suspectyou'reright."
Herheartincreaseditsdrumbeatuntilitfilledherears."Wecouldchangethat."Didshesoundasoddto
him?
"Oh,God,Beth..."Hisvoicebrokeandhehadtoclenchhisteeth.
"CanyoubelievethatIloveyou?"
"If..."Shehadtostop,presstremulouslipstogether,tryagain."IfyoucantrulybelievethatIloveyou."
Stillseveralfeetseparatedthem.
Theloveandfearinhiseyesnearlyundidher."I'vebeenanidiot."
Oh,damn,shewascrying.
Onestepclosedthedistancebetweenthem.Hisarmsengulfedherwithbruisingforce,asthoughhewas
afraidshe'dslipaway.Sheleanedhercheekagainsthischestandwept.Onlyafewtears,theseonesof
happiness.
"Ican'tpromiseI'llneverbeajackassagain."Hemovedhismouthagainstherhair."Just...slapmedown
andforgiveme?"Whenheheardhisownchoiceofwords,hismuscleswentrigid."God.WhoamItoask
anyoneforforgivenesswhenIdenieditforsolong?"
Bethdrewaway,meetinghiseyessquarely."Robdidn'tlookforyou,either.Rememberthat.Hetalked
aboutyou,hemissedyou,but...Ithinkhewasjustasafraidasyouwereofstartingthewholevicious
cycleover.Maybe,forbothofyou,self-preservationdidn'tallowforgiveness."
Hismouthtwisted."Nowyousoundlikeme.Sugarcoatingit."
She'dgainedenoughconfidencetoaddahintoftartnesstohervoice.
"Areyougoingtotortureyourselffortherestofyourlife?"
"JustaslongasIdon'ttortureyou."Ifhe'dmeantthewordstosoundlight,he'dfailed;hewasraw,
strippedbareforher.
Nomoretalkofforgiveness."Iloveyou,"shesaidshakily.
Hesnatchedhertohimagain.Underherhands,shefelthisheartslammingagainstthewallofhischest.
Herownracedsohardshewasdizzy.Sheexpectedakissofpassion,desperation;shegotoneso
achinglytenderherkneesbuckled.Nathandidn'tjustholdherup,heliftedherintohisarms.
Sheclutchedhisshoulders.
Thelightthatflaredinhiseyeswarmedanychillleftfromherlonelynights."Idon'tthinkIcanwaitany
longer,"hesaidroughly."Doyouhaveanyideahowharditwastoturndownthechanceyougavemelast
yeartomakeababywithyouinthatbedupstairs?"
"No,"shewhispered.
"I'vebeencursingmyselfeversince."Hecarriedherintothehall.
"WhenIhadtoproducesperminthatdamnclinic..."
"Ihadtositinthewaitingroomimaginingyoufantasizingaboutbustylovegoddesses.Ihatedthem."
Hesetherdownonthestairs,wrappinghishands

aroundherhips."DoyouknowwhoIfantasizedabout?"
Bethleanedforwardandkissedthebaseofhisthroat."DoIwanttoknow?"
"You."Hiseyessmoldered."AllIcouldthinkaboutwaswhatitwouldhavebeenlikewithyou."
Herbreathcameoutonasighthathedrankinwithasecondkiss,thisoneurgentanddevastatinglysexy.
Herlipsparted,shetastedhistongue,felthisarousalpressingagainstherbelly.Shegaspedforbreath
whenhetookhismouthfromhersonlytostringkissesdownherthroatandalonghercollarbone.Her
backarched,herheadfellback,andherfingerstwinedinhishair."Nathan."
Inresponseheunbuttonedherflannelshirt,unhookedthecatchofherbra,groanedwhenhecuppedher
breastsinhishands.
"God,you'rebeautiful.IlovedwatchingPatricknurse."
Shegaveafaintlaugh."Youlookedlikeyouhatedwatching.Youglowered."
Areluctantgrincaughthismouth.Freedfromitsreserve,hisfacewaswickedlysensual."Oh,Iliked
watching.Butthere'ssomethingalittlecruelaboutmakingamanwatchhissonsuckleonbreastshe's
nevertouched,don'tyouthink?"
"Iseemtorememberyoutouchingthem."
"Likethis?"Histhumbsflickedhernipples,tracedtauntingcirclesaroundthem.
"No,"shewhispered,rememberingthetugofhismouth."Notexactly."
Hishandsgrippedherwaistandliftedherupastep.Heleanedforwardandkissedherbreast,teasedit
withhistongue,andthenhemoveduponestep,too.ThistimehepeeledhershirtandbraOffaltogether
andtossedthem.Onemorestepup,andhisattentionsturnedtoherotherbreast.Theyweresosensitive
heatcoiledbetweenherlegswithstunningspeed.
BythetimeNathanandBethhadreachedthetop,she'dpulledhisshirtoverhisheadanddiscardedit,
too,onlyasmallpartofhermindshockedbythesightofherbradanglingfromthebanister.
Hebackedheragainstthewallandkissedherdeeply,grindinghishipsagainsthers.Adarkflushran
acrosshischeekbones,andthelookinhiseyeswasmolten.
"AmIdreaming?"
"No,"shewhispered."Ifyouwere,wecouldusemybed.Asitis,I'mafraidatwinbedwillhavetodo."
"Oh,myGod.Patrick.Iforgothim."Thedismaywascuriouslygratifying."Whatifhewakesup?"
"Let'sjustbeveryquiet,"shesuggested.ShewantedNathannow,nottonight,nottomorrowwhenthey
couldbealonetogetheragain.Rightthissecondshedidn'tthinkshe'deverforgivetheirsonifhekept
Nathanfromfinishingwhathe'dbegunorhadshebegunit?thatdaylastsummerunderthewillowtree.
Theymadeitintothesparebedroombeforetheyshedtherestoftheirclothes.Thetwinbedtherelooked
sonarrow,soprim,agurgleoflaughterlodgedinherthroat.ThenextsecondNathanboreherdownonto
it,andthelaughterdiedinarushofneedsointensesheforgotwheretheywereandwhathadcome
before.Allthatexistedwerehisbroadshoulders

aboveher,hisweightpressingherdown,hismouth,dampandhot,movingonherbreast.
Shewrappedherlegsaroundhim,feltthemusclesinhisbackbunchashebeganamaddeninglyslow
thrust.
"Ifonly,"hesaidinavoicebarelyrecognizable,"we'dmadePatrickthisway."
"Yes."Shesuckedinbreathashefilledhercompletely."Oh,yes."
Whattheydidtogetheronthatnarrowbedwasglorious.Heplungedandwithdrewandshefollowedhim,
ledhim,coaxedhim.TheykissedandwhisperedandshelookedupatNathan'sface,alteredbypassion,
theanglesofcheekandjawsharper,theshadowsmoreexaggerated.And,oh,thewayhelookedbackat
her,withtendernessanddesireandlove,madeherhurtinsideevenashiseverytouch,everyshiftof
weight,feltincredible,likenothingshe'deverknown.
Ashethrustharder,faster,astherhythmbecameafranticdance,thebedsqueakedandBethheard
whimpersandwordsthatcouldonlybecomingfromher.Shewaspleadingandpromisingand
demanding.Itwasnothinglikehernothing,butwonderful.Attheend,hesmotheredhisownragged
bellowandhercrieswithhismouth.Itwasakissthatdidn'tendevenashismuscleswentslack,andthen
herolledOntohisbackandpulledheratophim.
Atlasthecradledherfaceandlifteditenoughforhertoseehislopsidedsmile.Helookedboyish,she
realizedinastonishment.
"Willyoumarryme?"
"Sir,"shesaidinmockoutrage,"IassumedI'dalreadybeenasked."
Thesmiledeepened."Let'smakeitofficial."He'dslippedoutofher.Shescrambledawayandsatup,
clutchingapillowtohidehernakedness.Nathanrolledontohissideandbracedhisheadonhishand.He
lookedolder,apprehensive.
"Ididn'tthinkaboutRob,"shesaid.
Heswore."Damnit,Beth,Ididn'task!"
"No."Shesmiledtenderly."Butletmesaythis,justonce.RobandIhadagoodmarriage.Anice
marriage.But...IneverfeltanythinglikeIjustdid.Iloveyou,completelyandutterly.Whichisprobably
redundant,butthat'sokay."Itwashardertosmilethistime."Robisamemory.You'remylife."
Hewasn'ttakingitwell.Hiseyesfrownedandhisvoicewastaut.
"Believeitornot,itneveroccurredtomethatyouwerethinkingaboutRob."Hemutteredanother
obscenity."Isthisgoingtohangoverusforever?"
"Nope."Shegrinned,lettinghimseeherjoy."Iwouldlovetomarryyou,fatherofmyson.Ijustthought
that,once,yououghttoknowyoudidwintheblueribbon."
Thewarringemotionsonhisfacewouldhavebeencomicaliftheyhadn'tmovedhernearlytotears.
"Damnit,woman."Hewrappedahandaroundthebackofherneckandpulledhercloseforanotherkiss,
assweetandlastingasamarriagevow.
Shecameawayfromit,laughing."Andbytheway,fatherofmyson.You'rebeingcalled."
Nathanwentstill,listeningtothegrumblethatprecededPatrick'spiercingsirenwail.Thenhecockedan
eyebrowather."WhatareyougoingtobedoingwhileI'mperformingdiaperduty?"

"PickinguptheclotheslitteringthehallbeforeMandygetshome."
"JeezLouise."Heeruptedfrombed."Getamoveon,woman!"
Shewatchedasheyankedonhisjeans."Wecanworkanythingout,can'twe?"
"Likediaperduty?"
"No,Imean..."
Shedidn'tknowwhatshemeant,exceptinaninchoateway.Buthedid,becausehegaveanothercrooked
grin."Yeah.Wecanworkitout.Howcanwefail?We'reafamily.AndInevermakethesamemistake
twice."
Family.Treasuringalasthardkiss,Bethcollectedthepiecesofclothinglitteringthestaircaseandhall,
thenslippedintoherbedroompastNathan,whowasnowchangingPatrick'sdiaperonthebed.
Hewascooing,andDaddywascooingback.Unseen,shestoodinthebathroomdoorwayandwatched
them.Fatherandson.
Herheartcramped.Oh,yes.Theycouldbehappy.Theywouldbe.
ShecouldhardlywaituntilMandycamehome.

EPILOGUE

Mandyswallowedasuddensurgeofnauseaandclutchedhermiddle.Thesundidn'tfeelwarm,although
itwasAugustandMomworeasleevelessdress.Theyallsatoutonthefrontporchstepspretendingthey
weresoakingupthesun,pretendingtheyweren'tgoinganywhereimportant.Abaseballcapshaded
Patrick'seyes.HebouncedonMom'sknee,laughing,hischubbylegskicking.OnMandy'sotherside,
UncleNategentlysqueezedthebackofherneckwithhisbighandwhenhesawherdoubleover.
"It'llgetbetter,"hesaidquietly."Evenifyouarefacingacruddyfewweeks."
Shenodded,wordless.Thestrangethingwas,sheoughttobedreadingthoseweeks.Andshewasn't.
Todaywasthebigday.MomandUncleNateandPatrickherfamilyweredeliveringhertotheFred
Hutchisonbone-marrow-transplantunitononeofthetopfloorsofSwedishHospital.Becauseherimmune
systemhadalreadygivenup,she'dbeplacedinsterileisolationforsixdaysofchemotherapyandsix
moreofradiationtokillherexistingbonemarrow.Thatmeantshewouldn'tbeabletotouchanybodyfor
alongtime.MomandUncleNateandPatrickwouldbeabletoseeher,butonlythroughatransparent
wall.
Nohugsorkisses,nohandholdinghers.

Sheknewhowsickshe'dbe.Shecouldevendietherebehindthatclearwall.Whatthedoctorswouldbe
doingtohercoulddamageherorgans,shecouldgetaninfectionnomatterhowcarefultheywere.
Or,oncePatrick'scellshadbeenintroducedintoher,theymightrejectandattackherbody.Andshe'dbe
aloneinawayshe'dneverbeen.Alwaysshe'dhadMombesideher,holdingthebasinwhenshethrewup,
washingherfaceafterward,massagingherback,layingahandoverhers.Butnotthistime.
Thepaininherstomacheasedandsheliftedherface,despitehershiversfeelingthesun'swarmth.Fora
secondsheleanedagainstUncleNate,andhisarmcamearoundherinsilentsupport.Sheturnedherhead
andsawthatMomwaswatchingher,thisincredibleloveinhereyes.AndevenPatrickgrinnedather.
Momwasright,Mandythought;hewascute.Exceptwhenapplesaucedribbledbackoutofhismouth.
Whathadshebeenthinkingabout?shewonderedvaguely.Oh,yeahthefactthatshewasn'treallyscared.
Andshedidn'tfeelalone.Sheknewshewouldn'tbeevenifnobodycouldtouchher.Becauseshehad
morethanMomnow.Shehadawholefamily.Includingabrotherwhosegiftoflifesheabsolutely,
positivelywouldnotwastebydying.
Besides,heneededher.NeitherMomnorUncleNateknewwhatlifewaslikeforakidthesedays.She
hadtobearoundtoteachPatrick.
AndattheendofschoollastMay,wheneveryoneknewshewasgoingtohavethebone-marrow
transplantthissummer,ColinHillmanhadcomeuptoherandaskedhertogooutwithhim.Tobehis
girlfriend.Sohewouldbewaitingforhertocomeback,too.
Nope.Sheknewshewasgoingtogetbetter,thistimeonceandforall.Whatshehadwasfaith.Knowing
peoplelovedyouenoughgavethattoyou.
"Okay,"shesaid."I'mreadytogo.