HOW TO BECOME A WITCH IN NINE EASY LESSONS

In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within
the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an
interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to
bethought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted as a fully-fledged Witch simply by
knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...

Rule #1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if nobody knows you are one?
You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as
this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish
can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that
these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around
your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional
around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also
crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.

Rule #2: Name-Dropping is Good. Every serious student of TheCraft (and I'm talking here about the term
for Witchcraft, not macramé) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized Witchcraft in the
mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure
fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real Witches however, never let
historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his
name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.

Rule #3: Past Life Name-Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have
been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime
as a Witch who was killed during theInquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My
past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of
"Bewitched".

Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you
have an excuse for strange behavior. Previously labeled eccentric behavior patterns can now be accepted
by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is
simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently."So, don't let your friends down, behave
strangely, you can getaway with it now.

Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect
those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule #6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to
Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful
personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore
empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world,
another group of people has become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and
unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power brokers... they don't want any
competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft
and divination that have remained unchangedfor centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't
lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of
political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-
stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't
work...join them!

Rule #7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature. Incense must burn
continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censor
in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting
strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like

powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the
layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy
that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic
disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronizing to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory
remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other
Witches that you don't get along with.

Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell you that after their
initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry
with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell
you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they
used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your
initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it,
then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to
remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy! Now you know how to pass yourself off
as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much
incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give every one that you meet a sinister look - and your social
status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough
adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!