Don’tLeave

By

JenniferSucevic

Copyright2015byJenniferSucevic

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Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducedorusedinanymanner

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ofbriefquotationsincriticalarticlesorreviews.

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,places,businesses,charactersand

incidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedinafictitious

manner.Anyresemblancetoactualpersonslivingordead,actualeventsorlocales

ispurelycoincidental.

AlsobyJenniferSucevic

ConfessionsofaHeartbreaker

Forgotten

KingofCampus

Stay

TableofContents

ChapterOne

ChapterTwo

ChapterThree

ChapterFour

ChapterFive

ChapterSix

ChapterSeven

ChapterEight

ChapterNine

ChapterTen

ChapterEleven

ChapterTwelve

ChapterThirteen

ChapterFourteen

ChapterFifteen

ChapterSixteen

ChapterSeventeen

ChapterEighteen

ChapterNineteen

ChapterTwenty

ChapterTwenty-One

ChapterTwenty-Two

ChapterTwenty-Three

ChapterTwenty-Four

ChapterTwenty-Five

ChapterTwenty-Six

ChapterTwenty-Seven

KingofCampus-Preview

ConfessionsofaHeartbreaker-Preview

AbouttheAuthor

ChapterOne

“Wakeup,babe.”EversoslowlyColekisseshiswayacrossmynakedshoulderasIsigh.“We’ve

gotclassinanhour.”

Stillfeelingallwarmandsleepy,Istretchagainstthefirmlengthofhisbody.“Notyet,”Imumble,

“wedon’thavetogetupjustyet.”

Twenty-fiveminutes.

That’sallweneedtorolloutofbedandstillhaveroughlythirtysecondstoslideintoourseatsfor

psych201.Unabletoprymyeyelidsopen,Iturninhisarms.Almostinstantlymyhandsfindthesolid

planesofhischestbeforestrokinghungrilyoverthem.Itisn’tlongbeforemywanderingfingersare

descendingdownhisgorgeousbody.

HaveImentionedjusthowamazinglyhardandcuthisbodyis?

Hoursspentontheiceplayinghockeyandinthegymworkingouthavedefinitelypaidoff.Afew

heartbeatslater,myhanddelvesintohisboxerbriefsbeforeglidingovertherigidlengthofhismorning

wood.

“Guesswearen’tgoingtomakeitoutofbedrightnow,arewe?”Hiswarmbreathfeathersacross

meashegrowlsthewordsinmyearbeforequicklyrollingmeontomyback.BeforeI’mabletorespond,

hislipsarecrashingdownuponmine.Myfingerscaresshislongthickerectionbeforeslidingfurther

downtoplaywiththeonlysoftpartofhim.

Squeezing,teasing,softlypetting.

GodbutIlovethefeelofhim.

Thebarelyharnessedpowerhummingbeneaththesurfaceofallthatbeautifulflesh,bone,and

muscle.It’ssomethingthatusedtomakemenervous.ButIknowwithoutashadowofadoubtthatCole

wouldneveruseallthatwell-honedphysicalpoweragainstme.Afterwhathappenedlastyear,being

touchedormanhandledcansometimessendmespiralingintoapanic.

Ihatewhathappenswhentheicycoldtendrilsofanxietyfloodthrougheverycellofmybody.My

heartjackhammersasteady,painfultattooagainstmychest.Nervescareenandskitteracrossmyflesh.

Nauseachurnsinthepitofmygut...

AndthenIcan’tbreathe.

I.

Can’t.

Breathe.

ButI’vebeenworkingonthatwithatherapistandit’sgettingbetter.I’mgettingbetter.Theattacks

don’thappenwithnearlyasmuchfrequencyastheyusedto.I’mcontrollingitinsteadofbeingcontrolled

byit.

AndColeisalwayssocarefulandpatientwithme.Rightfromthestarthewasgentleandkind.

WhichisprobablywhyIfellsoeasilyforhim.Well…maybenoteasilybecauseinthebeginning,Ifought

againsttheattraction.Foughtagainstgettingtoknowhim.Ididmybesttoshuthimdownateveryturn.

Buttheguycanbeseriouslypersistent.

Afterlastyear,itwasimportantthatIgetmylifebackontrack.Andaboyfriendorevenahookup

situation…wasdefinitelynotpartoftheplan.

Nodistractions.Thatwasmymantra.

ButwhatI’vefoundisthatthebestlaidplansneverquiteturnoutthewayyouexpectthemto.Ifyou

hadaskedmeayearandahalfago,IwouldhavetoldyouthatI’dbeplayinghockeyatDartmouthand

totallydominatingoutontheice.Succeedingacademicallybecausethat’swhatI’dalwaysdone.Ihad

workedmyentirelifetogettoadivisionIschool.Ihadsacrificedfriendshipsandasociallifealongthe

waytomakethatdreamcometrue.

InsteadoftakingDartmouthbystorm,Ihadcrashedandburned.

Toomuchpressure.Toomuchstress.

Ihadendeduplosingeverything.

Includingmyfamily.

Cole’stonguetangleswithmine,pullingmefrommydarkthoughtswhichisdefinitelyawelcome

distraction.Insteadofallowingmetogetstuckinsidemyhead,hehoversovermybody,cagingmein

beneathhim.Ilovethewayitfeelstobecompletelysurroundedbyhim.We’vespenthoursinbed

exploringoneanother.Learningwhattheotherlikesanddoesn’tlike.OneofthethingsIlovebestisthe

wayheuseshismouth.

Cole’skissesareutterlyconsuming.

Curlingmyhandaroundhim,Istrokehishardlengthjustthewayhelikesit.Ilovedrivinghimto

distraction.Imaybenewtothis,butI’vecaughtonprettyquickly.Groaning,heslipshisfingersintomy

alreadydampenedpanties.

“God,youaresodamnwet.”Slowlyhesucksmylowerlipintohismouthbeforegivingitjustabit

ofabite.“Sofuckinghot,”hewhispershuskily.

Iwhimperashisstrongfingerssoftlystrokemyheatedfleshbeforesinkingdeepinsideme.His

tongueandfingersmovesimultaneously,drivingmehigher.Andhigherstill.Inresponse,myhandcloses

aroundhim,pumpingharder.

Faster.

Withoutasinglewordbetweenus,Coletugsmypinktanktopovermyhead.Hisheatedgazeholds

mineforjustaheartbeatbeforeheslowlykisseshiswaydownmybodytowardsonehardtippedbreast.

HeworshipsmeuntilI’mcryingoutinneedbeforelickingafierypathovertotheotherasIarchmybody

towardshim.

Ilovethefeelofhishotmouthrovingovermynakedbody.Ilovethewayhemakesmefeelwhen

we’retogetherlikethis.Whenwe’rewrappedupinoneanother,it’sasiftheveryworldaroundus

ceasestoexist.

Andthenhe’smovinglower.

Lower.

Lower.

Andlowerstill.

Nippingatmynavel.Atthesoftindentofmyhipboneswherehepresseskissafterkiss.UntilI’m

restlesswithneed.Withwant.Whenhefinallyreachesthewaistbandofmypanties,allIwantistofeel

hisgorgeousmouthcoveringme.AnticipationrushesitswaythroughmeuntilI’mbreathlessasIwaitfor

himtoslowlyslidemyunderweardownmyhips,buthedoesn’t.Insteadhepressesadelicatelittlekiss

againstthethinmaterialcoveringmythrobbingheat.

Movingmyhipsimpatiently,Iwhimperwantingthecottonbarrierrippedaway.Idon’twantone

singlestitchofclothingcomingbetweenus.Iwanttofeeltheheatofhismouthagainstme,singeingme,

makingmehis.Iwanttofeelhislipsandtonguestealingoverme.Hedrivesmecrazywhenheteases

melikethisandhedamnwellknowsit.

Butthat’sjustpartofthefun.

Whenhelaysyetanothertenderkissagainstmydamppanties,Igroan,archingmybodyuptowards

him.I’mpracticallyonthevergeofbeggingforit.Forhim.Hischuckleisdeepandlow,asifheknows

exactlywhathe’sdoingtomerightbeforehisfingerslipscarefullybeneaththethincottontorunalmost

torturouslyslowovermyslickwetness.Thenhe’syankingmypantiesasideuntilIcanfeelthematerial

stretchtautlyacrossmyachingflesh.Amomentlaterhiswarmbreathfeathersagainstme,makingme

shiverasthickshaftsofdesireslicethroughme.

It’salwayslikethisbetweenus.

Hot.

Needy.

Explosive.

Therearetimeswhenit’sslowandgentleandothertimeswhenit’sfastandhard.Andmaybethat

wouldscaremewithanyoneelse…butnotwithCole.NeverwithCole.Likeadrug,Icraveonlywhat

hecangiveme.Everythoughtslidesrightoutofmyheadashistongueslowlylicksovermyslitmaking

myentirebodytremblewithneed.

Justashortmonthago,thiskindofintimacywouldhavefreakedmeout.Itwouldhaveunleashedthe

anxietyIkeeptightlyunderwraps,butitnolongerdoesso.Ilovesurrenderingtohim.Ilovethewayhe

makesmybodythrobandpulse.Iloveeverythingwedotogether.

Mostofall,IlovethatColeMathewsismineforthetaking.

AndI’mhis.

“Youlikethat,baby?”

“YouknowIdo.”Ibreathethewordsonalonglustysighashecontinuesstrokinghistongueover

me,playingwithmybody.AgainIarchmyhips,wantingnothingmorethantofeelhimburieddeep

insidemybody,fillingmetothebrim.Theachewithinisswirlingandgrowing,pulsingandthrobbing

untilitfeelsasifitmightjustconsumeme.

I’veneverfeltlikethisbefore.

“Cole,please…”Isounddesperate…eventomyownears.

“Please,what?”

Hisvoiceisraw,scrapedlowwithjustasmuchpentupneedasmine.Againhistonguestealsover

mebeforefinallyplunginginside,makingmemoanandquiverallatthesametime.Ashistalentedtongue

findsthatlittlebundleofnerveendings,mybodybowsupintohismouth.Heswirlsaroundmyclit,

scrapingitlightlywithhisteethbeforesuckingitgently.

AndsuddenlyI’mthere.

Teeteringprecariouslyontheedgeofadeliciousorgasm.

Myhipshaveamindoftheirownastheymoverestlesslyagainsthim.Needrushesandfloods

througheverycellofmybody.I’mpantingandpleadingforhimtopushmerightovertheedge.Justone

littlenudgeisallitwilltaketogetmethere.

I’m.

So.

Close.

Sofreakingclosetoshatteringintoamillionlittlejaggedpiecesofdeliriousness.

Withanorgasmpoisedtocrashovermybody,hismouthunexpectedlydisappears.Igasp,myeyes

flyingopen,asheblowsasoftbreathovermyhotpulsingflesh.

“Cole,”Igroundout,“Please,I’msoclose.”Ithinkthere’sjustahintofawhineinmydesperate

voice.Itshouldembarrassme,tobebroughtsolow.ButIdon’tgiveadamnrightnow.Myorgasmis

rightthere.

Right.

There.

Iwanttoscreaminfrustration.

Oh,waitaminute…IthinkIjustdid.

AgainIarchmyhipstowardshim.Eventhoughhe’steasingmerelentlessly,Iknowhowaffectedhe

isbymybody.Hetellsmeallthetimejusthowmuchhelovesbeingburieddeep,deepwithinmyslick

heat.AndIlovethefeelingofhishardlengthfillingme.

Ilovehowperfectlywefittogether.

NoneofthedrunkenhookupsIhadlastyearhaveevercomeclosetofeelinglikethis.

Thisissomethingentirelydifferent.

Imaynothaveatonofexperience,butIknowthatmuch.

Hegroans,staringdownatmehungrily.“Onemoretaste.”Andthenhe’sdrivinghistonguedeep

insidemeandI’mmoaningwiththepleasureofitallbeforehepullsawayyetagain.

Feelingexasperated,Igrowl,“Stopteasing!”

Climbingupmybody,hefinallykissesmymouthbeforewhispering,“Delicious.”Hishoteyes

scorchmineforjustamomentwiththeirintensity.“AndIloveteasingyou.It’smynewfavorite

pastime.”

Withthosehuskywords,hequicklyflipsmeoverontomybellybeforeslidingmybodydowntothe

edgeofthemattress.Withhishandsonmyhips,hepullsmynakedbacksideupintheair.Igroanashis

fingersglideoverme,swirlingaroundmyswollenentrancebeforesinkingdeepinside.Oh-so-slowlyhe

slideshisfingersinandoutuntilI’mpushingmyselfagainsthim,untilIcanfeeltheorgasmbuilding

again.Closerandcloseruntilthoselittlewhimperingsoundsareescapingfrommylipsoncemore.

Andthenhisfingersdisappear.

“Cole,”Igroan,feelingalmostbesidemyself.Fortheloveofgod,Ijustwanttocome!“Please,I

needyou!”

Desperately.

Hechucklesbutit’sstrainedaroundtheedgesasIfeelhimmovebehindme.Thebluntheadofhis

erectionteasesmyslickheat.Strokingagainstmylips,caressingthemgently.Icanjustimaginehim

holdinghisthickcockinhishandasheguidesitacrossmyflesh.Alittlewhimperescapesasthatimage

burnsitswaythroughmymind.Andthen,finally,he’ssinkingintome.Sighing,Iclosemyeyes,straining

againsthim.Alow,gutturalsoundinggroanfallsfromhislips.

He’sinsodeep.

Sofuckingdeep.

Anditfeelssodamngood.

Butthenagain,italwaysdoes.

Wrappinghishardbodyaroundmine,hishandsslideacrossmyribcageuntilhe’sabletostrokemy

breasts.Hetoyswithmypeakednipplesashecontinuesthrustinginsideme.Afterafewmoments,one

ofhishandsslowlytrailsdownmybodyuntilhe’sabletoplaywithmyclit.Iwhimperasanorgasm

mountsquicklywitheachtinyflickofhisfingers.

Witheachstrokeofhiscockinsideme.

Wehangthereforjustamomentbeforewe’rebothcareeningovertheedge.Ihavetobitedownon

mylowerlipsothatIwon’tscreamwiththehotwavesofpleasurethatarestreakingtheirwaythroughmy

body.Inthatmoment,ImightbesofargonethatIdon’tgiveadamnaboutscreamingmyheadoff,butI

knowthathavingtoendurehugeshiteatinggrins,slylooks,andobnoxiouscommentsfromahousefulof

hishockeyteammatesoverabowlofcerealatthekitchentablewouldbedownrighthumiliating.

Forme.

Althoughit’sdoubtfulColewouldfeelthesameway.Afterall,he’dbetheonereceivingallthefist

bumpsandbackslaps.

Thanks…butnothanks.I’lljustcontinuebitingmylipoverhereallthewhilestiflingtheloud

screamsthatareachingtotearfrommythroat.

Whenthelastlovelyaftershockreverberatesthroughme,Ihangmyheadtiredlybetweenmy

shouldersasmypantingbreathsfinallyevenout.Colerelaxesagainstme,hishugebodycurvinglimply

aroundmine.Gentlyhelaysasweetkissbetweenmyshoulderbladesbeforewhispering,“Iloveyou,

Cassidy.”

Feelingsated,ifnotexhausted,Ismilebeforesighing.“Iloveyou,too.”

ChapterTwo

JustasI’mleavingMackenzieHallwheremyafternooneconomicsclassisheldeveryTuesdayand

Thursday,myfeetgrindtoasuddenhaltasashiverofdreadslithersitswaydownmyspine.Lukeis

sittingoutsideononeofthestonebenchesinfrontoftherollinglawn.Hisblue-grayeyesareslowly

sweepingovertheexitingcrowdandIhavetheunsettledfeelingthatI’mtheonehe’ssearchingfor.

QuicklyIduckmyheadhopingthatmylongblackcurtainofhairwillshieldmefromhisview.

IthinkmostgirlswouldbeecstatictocatchLukeWellington’seye.He’stall,probablyaroundsix

footorso,withbigbroadshoulders.Heplaysonthemen’shockeyteamhereatWesternwithCole,so

he’smuscularfromskatinghardatpracticeandliftingweightsinthegymseveraltimesaweek.He

remindsmeoftheguywhousedtobeonthatTVshowTeenWolf.Theblondone.He’sdefinitelygood

looking.Swoonworthyeven.

Butthat’snotwhatIseewhenIlookathim.

WhatIseeissomeonewhocouldresurrectmypastandbringthefledglingsuccessI’vefoundhereat

Westerncrashingdownuponmyhead.I’mnottryingtobeoverdramaticbut…

Theexactmomenthiseyeslandonme,thedelicateskinatthenapeofmyneckprickleswith

awareness.AnyhopethatI’mmerelyparanoidandthereforeoverreactingisshottohellashequickly

jumpstohisfeetbeforeweavingthroughtheoutpouringofstudentswhoarescurryingtoandfrom

classes.AsmuchasIwanttopretendIdon’tseehim,Iknowthere’snopointindoingso.

HeknowsexactlywhoIam.

AndIknowthatheknows.

Insteadofdartingawaylikeeveryinstinctwithinisscreamingformetodo,Istraightenmyshoulders

beforeslowlyforcingmyfeettoshuffletowardshim.

Somethingtightensuncomfortablyinthepitofmybellyaswecomefacetoface.

Amillionmemoriessomersaultunwantedlythroughmyheadasoureyesconnect.Ican’thelpbut

rememberjusthowhecametomyrescue.Fightingoffthethreeguyswhohadbeenpinningmedown

beforegentlywrappingashirtaroundmynakedbody.Irememberhimmurmuringsoftlybeforegathering

meupinhisstrongarmsandcarryingmedownthestaircaseandouttohistruck.Therewerenowords

spokenbetweenusasIsathuddledinthefrontseatduringtheshortdrivebacktothedorms.Thenhe

stayedwithmeuntilIfellasleep.Thenextmorning,I’dwantedtobelievethatithadbeennothingmore

thanahorriblenightmare,butIknewitwasn’t.Mylifehadbeenspiralingdownwardformonths.

AndwhathappenedthatSaturdaynightatanoffcampushousepartywasthebottom.

Heatandshamefloodthroughmycheeksasoureyeslockandhold.

LukeWellingtonisnothingmorethanastarkreminderofallthemistakesI’dmadelastyear.

MyentirereasonforcomingtoWesternthisfallwasforafreshstart.

Acleanslate.

Ado-over.

Ihadwantedtomoveon,toleavethepastwhereitbelonged-inthepast.AtDartmouth.Agoodfive

hundredmilesawayfromwhereInowwas.ButhowcouldIpossiblydothatwithLuketurninguphere?

HowcouldIforgetabouteverythingthathadhappenedwhenhealonehadthepowertodredgeitallback

upagain?Whenhecouldshatterthefragilepeace,thehardfoughtsuccess,I’dfoundoverthelasttwo

months?

Icouldn’t.

Hedoesn’tsmilebeforesayingwithjustahintofuncertainty,“Doyouhaveafewminutestotalk?”

Hisblueish-grayhazeleyesholdminetentativelyasifhe’ssilentlyfeelingmeout.Pickingthroughallthe

secretsI’vebeenholdinglockeddeepinside.

It’sonthetipofmytonguetosaynobut…Ineedtoknowwhathewants.MaybeifIgivehimafew

momentsofmytime,he’llleavemealone.ForthelastweekitfeelsasifeverywhereIlook,thereheis.

UnexpectedlyturningupatthesameplacesI’mat.Iwanttobelieveit’snothingmorethanastringof

coincidencesandthatI’maparanoidfreakontopofeverythingelse…butsomethingtellsmethat’snot

thecase.

Chewingmybottomlip,Ifinallyhedge,“IonlyhaveacoupleofminutesandthenI’vegottobe

somewhere.”That’salie.Idon’thaveanywhereelsetobe…butIdon’twanthimknowingthat.If

nothingelsecomesoutofthis,heneedstounderstandthatthereisabsolutelynothingbetweenus.Noris

thereareasonforustoeverspeakagain.Asthatthoughtslamsthroughme,guilt,justasswiftly,follows.

Becausehesavedmethatnight.

Savedmefromuglyunspeakablethings…

ThingsIcan’tbeartodwellonbecauseifIdo,mybodybecomesgrippedbythoseterrifyingly

familiarfeelingsofanxiety.Mychestwilltighten.Nauseawillchurninmybelly.Myhandsbecome

clammywithperspiration.Thoughtsracealongwithmypulse.

AndthenIcan’tbreathe.

ItfeelsasifI’mbeingchokedfromtheinsideout.Forthepasttenmonths,thosedebilitatingfeelings

ofanxietyhavebeenmyconstantcompanion.I’veonlystartedtomasterthesymptomsthroughrelaxation,

breathingtechniques,andregularsessionswithmytherapist.Ican’t-no,Iwon’tallowsomeonefrommy

pasttojustshowupandderailallmyhardwork.

Evenasthosethoughtsswirlthroughmyhead,asmuchasIwanttoforget,there’satinypartwithin

methatwondersifmaybeit’ssomethingIneedtoremember.

BecauseLukewastherewhennooneelsewas.

Withouthim…Ican’tevenfinishthatthought.

“That’sfine,”hemurmursbeforeasking,“IstheUnionalright?”

Alreadyregrettingthisdecision,Igivein,slowlynoddingmyhead.“Sure.”Tenminutes…Fifteen

atthemost.That’smorethanenoughtimetofigureoutwhathewantsfromme.Thenhopefullywecan

bothmoveonwithourlives.Becausethat’sallI’vebeentryingtodoforthepasttenandahalfmonths.

AthreeminutehikemadeinawkwardsilencetothecenterofcampuswheretheStudentUnionis

locatedfeelsdownrightunbearable.Whenwefinallyarrive,weheadstraighttotheStarbucks-likecoffee

shop.Lukeordersusbothmediumcoffeesbeforewefindatableburiedwayinthebackthatoffersalittle

moreprivacyawayfromthepooltablesandgroupsofpeoplewhoaremillingaroundinbetweenclasses.

Takingasmalltentativesipofthescaldinghotdrink,Iwaitwithtense,hunchedshouldersforhimto

saysomething.PricklynervescareentheirwaythroughmybellyasIholdmybreath.Warilymyeyes

watchhimfromacrossthetablethatseparatesus.

Asilentstretchofuncomfortablenessisjuststartingtosettleoverthetablewhenhesuddenlyclears

histhroat.“YouremembermefromDartmouth,don’tyou?”

Everythingwithinmestills.

Iwasn’texpectingthattobethefirstthingoutofhismouth.Forjustasecondortwo,Iconsider

lying.Iwantto.ThenIcanjustgetthehelloutofhere.ButI’msotiredofalltheliesandthesecrets.He

askedmehereforareasonandIneedtoknowwhatitis.

Gnawingmybottomlip,Ifinallyadmit,“Yes,Iremember.”GodknowsIdon’twantto.Infact,I’ve

donemyabsolutebesttoforgeteverythingaboutthatnightlastDecember.

ButIjustcan’t…

Withhimsittingacrossfromme,hisblue-grayeyeslatchedontomine,it’sallsofreshandvivid.

AndIhateit.

Hatethathe’sabletobringitallrushingbacktothesurfaceagain.

Asmalltremorslidesthroughmeasmymindtumblesbackintime.

Releasingmyeyes,hisgazedropstohissteamingcupofcoffeebeforecapturingthemoncemore.

“Tendaysago,whenweweredancingatthatparty…Ididn’trealizeitwasyou.”Thenhecorrects

himself.“Notrightaway.”

Actually,Ihadn’trecognizedhimeither.Wewerejustdancing,havingfunatsomeoffcampus

fraternityparty.Afewdaysafterthat,ColeandIranintoLukeatarestaurant.He’dtoldColethathe

thoughtheknewmefromadifferentschool.AndthenhestartedaskingmequestionsaboutDartmouth.

That’swhenithadallclickedjarringlyintoplace...

Seeinghim,realizingexactlywhohewas,hadrockedmetothecore.It’sbeenalmostaweeksince

thathappenedandI’vebeenwalkingaround,absolutelyterrifiedthathewouldsaysomething.Thathe

wouldspillallmysecrets.

Breakingintomysilentreverie,headdsquietly,“AtfirstIthoughtIwasjustimaginingit.”Helifts

hiseyestominebeforesiftingcarefullythroughmyshutteredgazeasifsearchingforanswers.“After

whathappenedlastyear…Itriedfindingyou.Iwantedtomakesureyouwereokay,butyoujust

disappearedfromcampus.”Hiseyestakeonafarawayqualityasifhetooisrememberingwhat

happenedtenandahalfmonthsagobeforeconfessing,“Icouldn’tgetyououtofmymindafterthat.Not

knowingwhathappenedtoyouonlymadeitworse.”

Justashiseyesareprobingminewithquestionshehasyettoask,I’mdoingverymuchthesameto

his.Itfeelsalmostsurrealtositacrossfromsomeonewhoisnothingmorethanastrangerandyet…and

yetwillforeverbeintertwinedwithmystory.Becausehewillalwaysbetheonewhorescuedmefroma

situationthatcouldhaveendedtragicallyforme.

Hishandreachesoutalmosttentativelybeforegentlycoveringmine.“I’vespentthelastyear

wonderingwhathappenedtothegirlIfoundupinthatbedroom.SometimesitfeltlikethemoreItried

pushingyoufrommymind,themoreyoustayedwithme.”Hislipstiltupsardonicallyatthecorners.“I

startedtowonderifmaybeI’dconjuredyouupatthatfratpartytendaysago.Itseemedimpossiblethatit

couldreallybeyou.”Hiseyesrakeovereveryinchofmyfacealmostasifhe’sstilltryingtoconvince

himselfthatI’mreal.“Youlookdifferentthanyoudidlastyear.”

Myhearthammersuncomfortablyasmyeyesfallfromhisintensegazetoourintimatelyclasped

hands.“I’minamuchbetterplacethanIwasbefore.Alothealthier.”

Withasmallsmilecurvinghislipsupward,henodsinagreement.“Youlookgreat.”Heflushes

slightlybeforecorrectinghimself,“Imean-happy.Youlookhappy.It’sgoodtosee.”

Clearingmythroat,Iwhisper,“I’malothappiernowthanIwasatDartmouth.”Idon’tevenwantto

thinkaboutwhatamessIwaslastyear.Anxietyanddepression.Outofcontroldrinking.The

indiscriminanthookups.Ittookhoursuponhoursoftherapytohelpgetallthatundercontrol.

ItneveroccurredtomethatwhathappenedthatnightlastDecembermighthaveaffectedLuke.Ijust

assumedhewouldhaveforgottenaboutthatwholeunfortunateincident…orthatIwouldhavebeenthe

fucked-up-girl-storyhelaughedaboutwithhisfriendsinthemorning.Ourinteractionhadbeenso

fleetingandrandom.

MyeyesarrowtohisasIinhaleasteadybreath.

EventhoughIabsolutelyhatetellingpeopleaboutwhathappenedtome,Ithinkmaybehedeservesto

knowhowitallunfolded.He’stheonlyonewhohelpedmetheentiresemesterIwasatDartmouth.It’sa

harshtruththatmymindcontinuallyshiesawayfrom.

AsIstareintohisconcerneddepths,Irealizethatitmightjustbecatharticforbothofus.Formeto

saythewordsoutloudandforhimtohearthem.Notknowingwhatelsetodo,Istartfromthebeginning.

ItellhimaboutplayinghockeywhilegrowingupandhowbythetimeIwaseleven,playingonagirls

tripleAtravelteam,mydadhadprettymuchmappedoutmyentirehighschoolandcollegehockey

career.ItellhimaboutthecontinualpressuretopushthroughtothenextlevelandhowIhadgivenup

everythingelse,includingasociallife,justsoIcouldfocusongettingascholarshiptoplayatDartmouth.

Mylifeconsistedofextrapractices,astrictworkoutscheduleanddiet,privateskatinglessonsas

wellasadvancedplacementclassesthatwouldmakemeacademicallycompetitive.Imaynothavebeen

anOlympianorprofessionalathlete,butIsureashelltrainedlikeone.

BythetimeIstartedmyfreshmanyearinmid-August,Iwasastressedout,burntoutmess.Anditall

wentdownhillfromthere.Withoutmydadtheretostructuremytimeandactivities,Ifeltstrangelylost.

Almostfromdayone,Ifoundmyselfburiedunderanavalancheofclassworkaswellastheteampractice

andworkoutschedule.InsteadofexcellinglikeI’dalwaysdoneinthepast,Iwasfailingacrossthe

board.Iwasdrowninginaseaofunknownfaces.

Insteadofaskingforhelp,Ifellintoapatternofbingedrinkingandhookingupwithrandomguysin

anattempttonumbthepainandforgetabouttherealproblemsIwasstrugglingwith.Allofwhich

eventuallyledtothedisastrousnightLukefoundmeupinthatbedroomatanoffcampushouseparty.A

thickshudderrunsthelengthofmybodyeventhinkingaboutit.

I’dbeenfoolingaroundwithsomeguyIknew.We’dbeenonthevergeofhavingsexwhentwoother

guyswalkedin.They’dwantedtowatch.Ihadtriedtoleavebuttheywouldn’tletme.They’dheldme

downandeventhoughI’dbeendrunk,Iknewallthreeofthemwouldenduprapingme.That’swhen

Lukeknockedopenthedoorandfoundme.

TheentiretimeIspeak,hemerelyholdsmyhand,squeezingiteveryonceinawhilewhenthere’s

somethingparticularlypainfulasifhewantsmetoknowthatI’mnolongeralone.Hiseyesneveronce

releaseminefromtheirblue-grayintensity.EvenwhenIwishtheywouldstray,hispenetratinghazelgaze

stayslockedonmine,silentlysupportingmetheentiretime.

WhenIfinallyfinish,Isitbackinmychairfeelingemotionallyexhausted.Andyet,strangely,Ifeel

asifafewmoreoftheshacklesfrommypasthaveinexplicablyfallenaway.Unclaspingourhands,Luke

suddenlyreachesacrossthetablebeforesoftlystrokingmycheekwithgentlefingers.Mywidegaze

fastensontotheintensityIseeburningbrightlyinhiseyes.Ifeelalmostblindsidedwhenthetenderslide

ofhisfingerssendanunexpectedshiverracingacrossmyflesh.Morebizarreisthatitisn’tfearor

anxietythreadingitswaythroughmeeither.

No,it’ssomethingelseentirelyandthatfrightensmemorethananythingelse.

Itdoesn’tmakesensethatsomeoneotherthanColecouldhavepenetratedthethickprotectivearmor

I’vecocoonedmyselfineversincethatnight.

“I’mjustrelievedyou’reokay,Cassidy.”HisfingerscontinueglidingcarefullyovermyskinandI

can’thelpbutholdperfectlystill,barelydrawinginbreath.“Idon’tknowhowwebothendeduphereat

Western,butI’mgladwedid.I’mgladwehavethisopportunitytogettoknowoneanother.”

Isnapmyheadintoaquicklittlenodasthicktendrilsofconfusionrushthrougheverycellofmy

body.Inthebackofmymind,itoccurstomethatIreallyshouldn’tbelettinghimtouchmelikethis.But

there’sthisstrangenewbondconnectingusinawayIneverexpected.EventhoughIdon’tnecessarily

wantto,Ileanbackuntilhishandisforcedtofallawayfrommyface.

AsmuchasIwanttopullmyeyesfromhis…Ican’t.

Thisisallstartingtofeel…

QuicklyIshakemyheadtodislodgethatthoughtbeforeitcantakerootwithinmymind.Without

thinking,Iblurtout,“I’mwithCole.”Then,almostinstantly,Ifeellikeanidiotfordoingso.Adullflush

slowlycrawlsupmycheeksbecausehehadn’texactlybeen…flirting.Butithadstillfeltsomehow

intimate.

I’mnotusedtolettingpeopleinsoeasily.Forthelasttenandahalfmonths,I’veworkedhardto

keeppeoplefromgettingtooclose.It’sstrangeanduncomfortabletofeelsoateasewithLuke.ButI

can’tdenythatIdo.

Insteadoftryingtoblowoffmywordsandtheirmeaning,hesaysinstead,“Iknow.”

ItonlystrengthensthenotionthatIhaven’tmisinterpretedthevibeshe’sputtingoutthere.They’re

real.

He’squietforjustamomentbeforeaddingsoftly,“Iwishyouweren’t.”Finallyheripshiseyesfrom

mineandeverythingwithinmecollapsesasIexhaleashakybreath.Thenhisgazeunexpectedlyslices

back,pinningmeinplaceonceagain.“I-Ican’texplainit…andIknowitdoesn’tmakesensebutIfeel

veryprotectiveofyou,Cassidy.”

Atinyunwelcomethrillslidesitswaythroughmeathiswords.I’mnotquitesurewhat’shappening

betweenusbutitsuddenlyfeelsasifI’mbetrayingCole.Ileanawayfromthetableneedingtoplace

moredistancebetweenus.“I’malotbetternow,Luke.Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutme.”

“EventhoughIhadnoideawhereyouwereorwhathappenedtoyou,Istillthoughtaboutyouallthe

time.Andnowthatyou’rehere,Idon’tknowifIcanjustturnitoff.”Forjustamomenthelooksas

confusedasIfeel.

Ashiverslidesthroughmeasmyvoicelowers,becauseIhavetoknow.KnowifwhatI’mfeelingis

wrong.“Haveyoubeenfollowingme?”

HiseyesflarewideandalmostinstantlyIfeelridiculousforsuggestingit.

Insteadofdenyingmywords,hehedgesjustabitbeforesaying,“Ididshowupatyourpractice.I

wantedtowatchyouskate.Irememberyoufromthegirls’teamlastyear.Youweresuchagoodplayer.

I’mgladyoudidn’tquit.”

Takinganotherdeepbreath,Igentlyplacemyhandoverhisbeforegivingitalittlesqueeze.“I’ve

beenplayingforafewweeksnow.It’sjusttheintramuralteambutIlikeit.It’sturningouttobealotof

fun.Andthere’snopressure.Notlikebefore.”Pausingforjustamoment,Iaddsoftly,“I’vegot

everythingundercontrol.”Withonefinalsqueeze,Islowlypullmyhandawaysothatwe’renolonger

touchingbecausedoingsofeels…dangeroussomehow.

Likeamatchtokindling.

AndIdon’twantanythingexplodingbetweenus.

Hiseyesscrutinizemine,searchingthemforanswerstoquestionshehasyettoask.Andthatscares

me.BecauseIcan’tgivehimanythingmorethanwhatIalreadyhave.“I’mgladyou’redoingsowell.”

Hopingtoreassurehim,Ismileagain.“Iam.”ForjustamomentitfeelslikemaybeI’ve

overreactedtothesituationandthepeculiarfeelingsthathavesprungupsoquicklybetweenus.After

today,he’llgohiswayandIcangomine.Andmaybe,atsomepoint,we’llrunintoeachotheragain.We

canbefriendly.Ormaybeevenfriends.Whoknows?

IttakesamomentformetorealizethatIactuallywantustobefriends.It’skindoffunnyjusthow

muchIwastryingtoavoidhimandnow…nowthereisahistorythathasbondedusunexpectedly

together.

“DoesColeknowwhathappenedlastyear?”

Avertingmygaze,Igiveastifflittlenod.Istillfeelguiltyfornottrustinghimenoughtobeupfront

withhimaboutmypast.“Ididn’ttellhimrightaway,”Iadmitquietly.Butlikeamagnet,mygaze

immediatelyarrowsbacktohis.“Whenyousaidsomethingattherestaurant…thatnight…hedidn’t

know.That’swhyIliedaboutit,liedaboutknowingyou.”

Cockinghisheadtotheside,heclarifies,“Butheknowseverythingnow?”

“Yes.”

WhenI’dmetColetwomonthsago,Ihadn’tbeenlookingforarelationship.Ihadn’tbeen

emotionallyreadyforone.AndthelastthingI’dwantedwastoexplainmypasttosomeonewhowould

thenturnaroundandjudgemeforallthemistakesI’dmade.IthadtakenmeawhiletotrustColeenough

tosharemypastwithhim.

Inhindsight,Ishouldhaveknownthathewouldn’tjudgeorthinkanylessofme.Butstill,stripping

yourselfbareisalwaysscary.Anddivulgingmypast,allmymistakesandfailures,hadn’tbeenaneasy

thingtodo.

Luke’seyesturnfierceandsomethingwithinmeconstricts.“Youhavenothingtobeashamedof.

Youknowthat,right?”

IgivehimasadlittlesmilebecausethetruthofthematteristhatI’mstillreallyembarrassedabout

everythingthathappenedlastfall.Imadealotofmistakes.Failingoutofschool.Losingmy

scholarship.Gettingkickedoffthehockeyteam.Drinking.Sleepingaround.Allofwhichhadledtoa

brokenrelationshipwithmyfamily.

“I’mstillworkingonthatpart.”

“Everyonemakesmistakes,”hemurmurssoftly.“Noneofusareperfect.”

Iblowoutalongslowbreath.“Iknow.It’sjust…”MywordstrailoffforalongmomentasI

searchfortherightwords.“It’shardtolivewith.”

“Regretisalwayshardtolivewith.”

We’rebothsilentasthosewordshangsuspendedintheairbetweenus.

“Look,Iknowyou’reseeingCole,”hepauses,suddenlyshiftinginhischairasifhe’suncomfortable,

“butthere’ssomethingbetweenus,Cassidy.”Glancingaway,herunshishandquicklyoverthebackof

hisneckbeforehiseyesarrowtomineagain.“Whateverthisis,I’veneverfeltanythinglikeitbefore.

It’sunsettlingtofeelsostronglyaboutsomeoneIbarelyknow.”

Inod,feelingverymuchthesameway.Whichisexactlywheretheconfusionspringsfrombecause

I’mnotexactlysurewhattodowithallthesestrangeemotionsthatarecareeningunwantedlythroughme.

BeforesittingdownwithLuketoday,Ihadbeenangrythathewastryingtointrudeuponmylife.I

wasafraidhewouldtellColealltheuglydetailshehadfirsthandknowledgeof.AndIwasembarrassed

andashamedthathehadseenmeatmyworst.He’dseenmenakedandwasted.Beinghelddownby

threedrunkenguys.Ican’thelpbutshudderasthatnightrearsitsuglyheadwithinmymemories.

ButeverythingI’doncethoughthasnowchanged,morphedintosomethingentirelynew,completely

different.LukesomehowfeelsliketheoppositeendofamagnetInowfindmyselfattractedto.

AsmuchasIdon’twanttofeelthis,I’mnotsurehowtostopit.

Leaningtowardsme,hiseyesholdmine.“Ifeellikewe’remeanttobeineachother’slives.”

Shakinghishead,herunshisfingersthroughhishairasifhe’sagitatedbyhisownwords.“Christ,”he

whispers,“thatmakesmesoundlikeastalker.”

Yeah…itkindofdoes.Andundernormalcircumstances,Iwouldalreadybewalking-makethat

runningtowardsthenearestexit.Becauseeverythinghe’ssayingsoundswaytoointense.

Inhalingadeepbreath,IblowitoutslowlyasIcarefullyconsiderhiswords.“No,”Ifinallysay

beforeadmitting,“Ifeelittoo.”Howisitpossibleforsomethingtofeelbothrightandwrong?Myheart

constrictsalmostpainfullyasIthinkaboutCole.

Notsayinganythingmore,Isuddenlyshoottomyfeet.Ineedsometimeandspacetothinkabout

everythingthathashappenedwithLukebecauseI’mnotsurejusthowtodefinethisnewrelationship

betweenus.

Withwideeyes,Lukegetstohisfeetaswell.HelooksastenseasIfeel.“I’msorry.Ishouldn’t

havesaidanyofthat.Ididn’tmeantofrightenyou.”

Glancingaway,Imurmursoftly,“I’mnotsurewhatyouwantfrommeandthatmakesmenervous.”

I’mtryingtobehonestwithhim.Whateverisunfoldingbetweenus,itneedstobestraightforward.No

ambiguity.Heneedstounderstandthatwewillneverbeanythingmorethanfriends.

Hetakesahesitantsteptowardsme.Insteadofretreating,Istandmyground.PerhapsIshouldn’t,

butIdo.WhenIdon’tmoveasinglemuscle,hetakesanothertentativestepuntilwe’resoclosethathe

couldeasilyreachoutandtakemeinhisarms.Hecouldlowerhismouthandkissme,buthedoesn’t.

ThemostdamningpartisthatI’mnotsureifI’mrelievedornot.

“I’lltakewhateveryou’rewillingtogiveme,Cassidy.Andmaybe,fornow,that’sjustfriendship.

Maybelateron,it’llbesomethingelseentirely.IjustknowthatIwanttobepartofyourlife.”

“IloveCole,”Iwhispersoftly.Becausethewordsneedtobesaid.Ican’thavehimthinkingthat

I’mgoingtobreakupwithColeforhim.

Hiseyesdarkenwiththatknowledge.“Iknow.”Andthenhishandsareslidinggentlyacrossmy

cheeksbeforehe’stippingmyfaceuptowardshis.“Icanbeyourfriend.Ifthat’swhatyouwant,ifthat’s

whatyouneed.Thenthat’sallwe’llbe.”

Athicklumpformsinthemiddleofmythroatashisquietwordswashoverme.I’mnotquitesure

whattodowiththem.Theirmeaningfeelsimmense.“Butyouwantmore,”Ipress.

Hehesitatesforalongmomentbeforefinallyadmitting,“Yes…Iwantmore.”

Ifwe’rereallygoingtobefriends,heneedstounderstandthatwewillneverbeanythingmorethan

that.“Icanonlyofferyoufriendship.”

“ThenI’llbecontentwithyourfriendship.”HiseyescradleminealmosttenderlyandIcan’tdeny

thatasmallpartofmesuddenlyyearnsformore.Thatthoughthasarushofguiltsweepingthroughme

becauseitfeelsasifI’mbetrayingCole.

“Ireallydolovehim.”

ColeiseverythingIneverthoughtIcouldhave,neverdaredtodreamfor,andIwon’tthrowthat

away.EvenifatinypartwithinmefeelsasifLukeandIhavesomehow,overthecourseofanhour,

forgedastrongunbreakablebondbetweenus.Itdoesn’tmaketheleastbitofsensebutsomehow,it

makesperfectsense.

Hesmilesjustabitbeforepressingasoftkissagainstmyforehead.“Thenhe’saluckyguy.”

“Thankyou.”Aswestand,almostembracing,myhearttwistspainfullyundermybreast.“Ihaveto

go.”EverythingI’mfeelingrightnowisjusttootangledup.Ineedtoputsomedistance,both

emotionallyandphysically,betweenus.

Slowlyhishandsslipfrommyfacebeforehetakesastepback.Ashedoes,Isuckinadeepbreath

tryingtoclearmyjumbledthoughts.EventhoughI’mstillconfusedaboutmyfeelings,IknowthatI’m

makingtherightdecision.IloveCole.

Gatheringupmybag,I’mabouttosaygoodbyewhenablurofmovementcatchesmyattention.AsI

turn,mygazecollideswithCole’s.Hisheatedeyesholdmineforalongintensemomentbeforeslicingto

Lukewhoisstillstandingnexttome.

Withoutaword,hesimplyturnsbeforestridingaway.

“Cole,wait!”MyheartclenchesashisnameringsloudlythroughoutthecrowdedUnion.Buthe

doesn’tacknowledgemywords.Hedoesn’tacknowledgeme.AndIrealizeasmyguttwistsintoa

painfullittleknotthatheisn’tgoingto.

ChapterThree

Withmyheartlodgedsomewhereinmythroat,IfinallycatchupwithColeoutsidetheUnion.He’s

alreadymadeitdownthecementstairsandpathway.EventhoughI’myellinghisname,begginghimto

stop,hedoesn’t.Evenwhenmyfingersdrillintothefleshofhisarm,hekeepstryingtostrideawayfrom

me.I’veneverseenhimthisangrybefore.Coleisalwayscalmandincontrolofhisfeelings.

Butthat’snotthecaserightnow.

WhatIhatemostisthehurtIsawswimmingaroundinhisbeautifulwhiskeycoloredeyes.

Idon’twanttolosehimbecauseofamomentarylapseinjudgement.Becauseofmyconfusionover

thesituation.Idon’tnecessarilythinkLukeandIhavedoneanythingwrong.Or…maybewehave.

MaybemeetingwithLukeandlettinghimholdmyhandandrunhisfingersacrossmycheekwasdamning

enough.

“Cole,”Ipleaddesperately,“pleasestopandtalktome!”Buthedoesn’twanttolisten.Eventhough

I’mtuggingonhisarm,hedoesn’tstoptryingtowalkawayfromme.

Foramoment,itfeelsasifhe’sslippingrightthroughmyfingers.InevershouldhaveletLuketouch

me.Itwaswrong.“It’snotwhatitlookedlike!”

ThosefivelittlewordshavehimcareeningtowardsmesoquicklythatIslamrightintohiswide

chest.Hisfingersbiteintomyshouldersbeforesteadyingme.Ashiseyescollidewithmine,Iseethe

anger,theuncertaintysimmeringwithintheirgoldendepths.ItkillsmethatI’mtheonewhoputallthat

emotionthere.

“Andwhatexactlydoyouthinkitlookedlike?”Eventhoughhiseyesflash,hisvoiceremains

strangelycalm.

Gulpingnervously,Islowlyforcethewordsout.“I’msureitlookedlikesomethingwasgoingon

betweenus.”Andinallhonesty,maybeithadbeen.Maybewecrossedaline.I…Idon’tknow.Ijust

knowIcan’tloseCole.

“Itlookedlikehewantedtokissyou,Cassidy.”Inhalingadeepbreath,hiseyesscrutinizemine

beforehesayswithevengreatercalm,“Anditlookedlikeyouwantedhimto.”

HadIwantedthat?

HadI?

Bitingdownonmylip,Irememberthefeelingsofconfusionthathadspiraledthroughme.SlowlyI

shakemyhead.I…didn’t.Notreally.IwantCole.ItoldLukethat.Idon’twanttheretobeany

misunderstandingsbetweenus.ButIalsoknowthatIhavetobehonestwithColeaboutwhattookplace

betweenLukeandme.“Weweretalkingabout…”MygazeslidesawaybeforeIsaysoftly,“What

happenedlastyear.”

ForsomereasonIthoughtmyexplanationwouldsmooththingsover.Explainwhytheintensityofour

emotionshadbeenrunningsohigh.Insteadhejuststandstherestaringatmeinconfusion.Ittakesa

momentortwoformetorealizethatI’vemadeatacticalerrorbutit’stoolatetobacktracknow.

“Youdon’tevenknowhim,Cassidy.”Hisbrowsdrawtogetherbeforehesayswithdisbelief,

soundingalmosthurt,“Youreallysharedallthatwithhim?”

Ahotstingoftearspricksthebackofmyeyes.ButIcan’tlie.NottoCole.Notanymore.Ishrug

myshouldershelplessly,silentlywishinghecouldunderstandthatthere’ssomethingbetweenLukeand

me.It’snotromanticorsexual…butthere’sstillsomething.

“Hewasthere,Cole.”Iwhisperpleadingly,“Hewastheonewhogotmeout.I…Ihonestlycan’t

thinkaboutwhatwouldhavehappenedifhehadn’tfoundmewhenhedid.”Ishakemyheadbecauseit’s

difficulttoletmymindgothere.Tothatplace.AndColeshouldunderstandthat.

Asthosewordsfallfrommylips,hesuddenlypullsmetohimbeforewrappinghisarmstightly

aroundme.“Iknow,Iknow.”Hisvoiceissothick,sofullofunspentemotion.Pressinghislipsagainst

thecrownofmyhead,hekissesme.“AndI’mthankfulthathewas.YouknowIam.”

Releasingadeepbreath,Inodagainstthesolidwallofhischest.Idon’twanttolosehim.ButI

needhimtounderstand.“Itfeltgoodtotalktohim.Eventhoughwedon’treallyknoweachother,Ifeel

connectedtohim.It’snotsomethingthatmakessense.”I’malmostafraidtosaytherest,butIforcethe

wordsoutanyway,“Andthatfeelingisn’tgoingtogoaway.”

Hisbodystillsandforalongmoment,hedoesn’tsayaword.I’malmostafraidthathe’lljustletme

go.LeavemetostandoutsidetheUnionallbymyself,buthedoesn’t.“Whatdoesthatmean…whatdoes

thatmeanforus?”

“ItjustmeansthatLukeandIarefriendsnow.We’reineachother’slives.”Iwhisperthewords

againbecauseIcan’tstopthinkingthem.“Hesavedme.”Anotherthickshudderpassesthroughmybody

becauseIhatethinkingaboutwhatwouldhavehappenedifLukehadn’tbargedintothatbedroom.Hadn’t

foughtallthreeofthoseguysandgottenmeoutofthere.“Hesavedmefromthoseguys.Iowehimmy

friendship.”

Ifeelhimsuckinadeepbreathbeforeslowlyblowingitout.Hiswordsarejustashadeharder

now.“Youdon’towehimanything,Cassidy.”Hiswholebodytenses.“Didhemakeyoufeelthatway?”

Notunderstandinghiswords,IpullawaysothatI’mabletosearchhisbeautifulgoldeneyes.“No,

ofcoursenot.Itwasn’tlikethatatall.”Ibitemylip,needingtothinkcarefullyaboutwhatIsaynext.I

needColetounderstandthathehasnothingtoworryabout.ButI’mnotexactlysurehowtodothat.“I

wantustobefriends.Iknowhefeels…”

“Hefeelswhat?”Cole’swordsarestrangelyflatnow.HiseyessuddenlymoreguardedthanI’ve

everseenthembefore.AndIhatethat.Hatethatthishassuddenlywedgeditswaybetweenus.

“BecauseIsawthewayhewaslookingatyou,Cassidy.Hewantsmorethanjustfriendship.”Hetiltshis

headtothesideashiseyescontinuesearchingmine.“Youknowthat,don’tyou?”

Mygazeskittersawayfromhisforjustaheartbeat,beforeIforcemyselftomeethiseyesagain.I

havetobehonest.BecauseforweeksItriedkeepingmypasthiddenfromhimandnowthatheknows,

acceptsmeforwhoIam,Iwon’tlietohimanymore.

Ican’t.

“ItoldhimthatIlovedyouandthatwecouldonlybefriends.”

Hisholdtightens.Hisfingersbitingintomyflesh.“Don’tyouunderstandthathewantsyou?”

Lookingfrustratedandpissedoffagain,Coleshakeshishead,hisveryexpressiontellingmethatI’m

naïvetobelieveLukewillbesatisfiedwithjustmyfriendship.

Butthat’sallI’mcapableofgivingLukebecausemyheartbelongstoCole.

Sighing,Isay,“Yes.ButI’myours,”softlyIemphasizethewordsbeforewhispering,“Iloveyou.

Andthere’snothinghecandotochangethat.”

Lookingdoubtful,Colejerkshisheadinresponsebeforepullingmeagainsthim.OnlythenamIable

tofullyrelaxinhiswarmembrace.

We’reokay.

Arushofreliefslidesthroughmeatthatthought.

JustasIinhaleadeepbreath,IcatchaglimpseofLukestandingnearthedoorsoftheUnionlooking

downatus.OureyescatchandholdforalongheartbeatbeforeIripmineaway.Anoddprickleof

uneaseslidesthroughmebecauseitfeelsasifI’mstandingonthecuspofadecision.

Butthatdoesn’tmakeanysensebecauseI’vemademychoiceandIchooseCole.Lukeisafriend

andnothingmore.IthinkasLukeandIsettleintoourfriendship,he’llcometounderstandthat.He’ll

acceptthatI’mwithColeandthatwewillneverbeanythingmore.

ChapterFour

“She’sreadytoseeyou,Cassidy.”

IsmileatWendy,Dr.Thompson’sreceptionist,asIpassbyherdesk.I’vebeencomingheresince

thethirdweekofAugustwhenIarrivedoncampus.AftermylifeimplodedlastDecember,myparents

decidedthatitwouldbebestforeveryoneinvolvedifIlivedwithmygrandparents.Theydidn’twantmy

badinfluencerubbingoffonmytwoyoungersisters,LexieandMiranda.Ihadbeensodepressedand

riddledwithanxietythatmygrandmotherhadfoundatherapistformetoworkwith.

Settlingintomyusualspot,IsmileatDr.Thompsonasshedoesthesame.EventhoughI’veonly

beencominghereforabouttwoandahalfmonths,Ifeelreallyclosetoher.She’sagreattherapistandI

doubtIwouldhavemadesuchasmoothtransitiontoWesternthisfallwithouthersupport.

“Cassidy,”sheseemsgenuinelyhappytoseeme,“You’relookingwell.It’sbeenalittlemorethana

weeksinceIlastsawyou.Howiseverythinggoing?”

“It’sgoingreallywell.”WiththatIlaunchintowhatwehadbeendiscussingthelasttimeIwasin

heroffice.“Itookyouradviceandspokewithtwoofmyprofessorsaboutchangingafewofmycourses

fornextsemesterandtheygavemesomegreatsuggestions.I’mprobablygoingtodropmyhistorycourse

forasociologyclassinstead.I’vealsomadeanappointmenttospeakwithmyacademicadvisorabout

someofthemajorsI’minterestedinexploring.”

Shenodsapprovingly.“Thatsoundsgreat.Itseemslikeyou’vegoteverythingundercontrol.That

mustfeelgood.”

“Itfeelsgreat,actually.”Ican’thelpbutsmile.

“I’msurethesociologyclasswillhelpwithyourdecisiontopursueacareerinpsychology,”she

adds.WehadpreviouslydiscussedmajorssinceI’mcurrentlyundecided.I’venarroweditdownto

psychologyandeducationsincemathandsciencearetwoofmystrongersubjects.

“Exactly.ProfessorMullensalsothoughttheremightevenbeafewopportunitiesformetoassisther

gradstudentswithsomeexperimentsnextsemester.”

Shelooksgenuinelyimpressed.“Whatawonderful,nottomentionvaluable,experience.”

“Yeah,”Iagree,“I’mreallyexcitedaboutit.Iwouldlovetheopportunitytohelpoutwithoreven

participateinsomethinglikethat.”

“Thatallsoundsgreatandifnothingelse,you’regoingtogetabetterfeelforthatareaofstudy.”

Ibeam.“That’swhatIwasthinking.”

“Andclassesarestillgoingwell?Areyoufeelingoverwhelmednowthatwe’reabouttwoanda

halfmonthsin?”

MentallyIgothrougheachclassandalltheassignmentsthatarecomingduebeforeshakingmyhead.

“No,everythingisgoingsmoothlyrightnow.There’salotofreadingbutI’mstayingontopofitbydoing

alittleeachdayandthatkeepseverythingmanageable.IstillhaveA’sinallmyclasses.”

“Tacklinglittlechucksatatimeisasmartwayofstayingontopofyourclasses.”Shetakesafew

quicknotes.“Tellmehowyou’vebeendoingotherwise.AnyanxietysinceIlastsawyou?”

IshakemyheadbecausenowthatIdon’thavetoworryaboutLukesabotagingmehereatWestern,I

actuallyfeellikeahugeweighthasbeenliftedfromme.Finallysittingdownanddiscussingthepastwith

himyesterdaymademerealizethatheprobablyjustneededsomeclosure.AndalthoughI’mgladthatwe

wereabletodothat,itfeelslikethisnewrelationshipwithLukeisgoingtocauseproblemswithCole.

“Haveanyotherissuespoppedup?”

“No,”thewholeCole-Lukethingflitsthroughmyhead,“notreally.”

“Notreally?”Herbrowsarchinquestionasshepicksuponmyslighthesitation.HaveImentioned

thatDr.Thompsonisreallygoodatwhatshedoes?

“Well,”nibblingonmylowerlip,IquicklydebatewhetherornottotellheraboutLuke,“there’s

someonehereatWesternwhowasatDartmouthlastyear.”

Herbrowsriseatthat.“Isthatgoingtobeaproblemforyou?”Sheasksthequestionsoftlybecause

sheknowsexactlyhowmuchI’vestruggledwithmyfailureandhowlongit’stakenmetogetbackon

track.Inactuality,I’mstillworkingonthatpart.Webothrealizethatanykindofsetbackcould

potentiallysendmecareeningbackdownagain.AndI’veworkedwaytoohardtoallowthattohappen.

I’mscaredtodeaththatsomethinglikethatcouldderailallthehardfoughtprogressI’vemade.

SlowlyIshakemyhead.“No.Iactuallysatdownwithhimyesterdayandweendeduptalkingabout

everythingthathappened.”Mymindisstillsomersaultingoverthatone.

Sheseemssurprisedbymyanswer.“Andhowdidthatgo?”

IblowoutalongslowbreathasIthinkaboutmyconversationwithLuke.“BetterthanIexpectedit

to.Itmademesicktomystomachthattherewassomeoneherewhocoulddredgeupallmymistakes,

couldspreadaroundalltheuglygossip.”Ipausebeforeadmittingmybiggestfear.“Whocoulddestroy

thenewlifeI’vebeentryingtobuildformyself.”

Herbrowneyesfillwithbothunderstandingandcompassion.It’soneofthereasonsIfeelso

comfortabletalkingwithher.ShelistensandreallyhearswhatI’mtryingtosay.“Nowthatyou’vehada

chancetositdownandfaceyourfears,doyoustillthinkthat’sgoingtohappen?”

“No…Idon’t.”IthinkaboutLukeandthefearthathadallbutswampedmeforthepastweek.

“Lukeistheonewhorescuedmefromthethreeguyswhowereattackingme.”

Dr.Thompsondoesn’teverletonwhensomethingthrowsheroffbalance.Outwardlyshe’salwayscalm,

collected,andunderstanding.It’salmostcomicalwhenhereyebrowsshootup,practicallyhittingthe

ceiling.“Isee.”

“Yeah,”Iagreewithasmallsmilebecausethatreactionprettymuchsumsitup.“Hewantstobe

friends.”

Regainingherunflappability,sheasksratherpointedly,“Areyoucomfortablewiththat?Comfortable

havingarelationshipwithhim?”

SlowlyIturnthequestionoverinmyhead.Onceagaintheanswersurprisesme.“Yeah,IguessI

am.Afterwestartedtalking,Irealizedthathedidn’twanttohurtme.Hewasgenuinelyconcernedabout

howIwasdoing.Itjustfeltlikewe,”Ishakemyheadbecauseitsoundssoridiculous,“Iguesswekind

ofbonded.Iendeduptellinghimeverythingthathadleduptothatnight.Itactuallyfeltreallygoodto

talkaboutwithhimbecause,”Igulpinabreath,“becausehewasthere.”

Lookingthoughtful,shenods.“Beingfriendssoundslikeitmightbegoodforbothofyou.”

“Ithinkhe’sinterestedinbeingmorethanjustfriends.”Assoonasthewordsescapefrommymouth,

IwishIcouldsuckthembackinagain.Honestly,Idon’tevenknowwhyItoldherthat.Itdoesn’tmatter

whatLukewants.Atsomepointhe’llhavetoacceptthatwecan’tbeanythingmorethanfriends.

Tiltingherheadtotheside,sheasks,“Andhowdoyoufeelaboutthat?”

BitingdownonmylowerlipIconsiderjusthowtruthfultobe.Butthethingis,ifthere’soneplace

whereIcanadmittheunvarnishedtruth,whereIcanlaymyselfbear,it’shereinthisoffice.“Confused,”

Ifinallyadmit.OnceIwhispertheword,Irealizewhatareliefitistosayitoutloud.

“Whyisthat?”

Ishrug,notcompletelyunderstandingitmyself.“Well,beforewesatdownandspoke,allI’dwanted

todowasavoidhim.SeeingLukewasnothingmorethananuglyreminderofwhathadhappened,”thenI

amendmorequietly,“whatalmosthappenedtome.”

It’ssoftlythatsheprobes,“Butitnolongerfeelsthatway?”

“No,itdoesn’t.Talkingeverythingoutwithhimfeltsomehow…freeing.”Iglanceawayforjusta

momentasItrywrappingmymindaroundallofthestrangethoughtsandfeelingsthatarecoursingthrough

me.“TheentiretimeIwasatDartmouth,he’stheonlyonewhotriedhelpingme.”

“Isupposethat’strue.”Againshepicksuphernotepadandjotsdownafewthings.“Itseemsasif

thatexperiencehasformedabondbetweenthetwoofyou.”

“Yes,”Iadmitquietly,“that’sexactlythewayitfeels.”Howcoulditnot?HowcouldInotfeel

somethingmorethanfriendshipforhim?Isupposethat’sexactlywheremyconfusionstemsfrom.

Afteramomentshefinallysays,“It’snotuncommonforpeoplewhohaveasharedtraumatic

experiencetoendupbefriendingoneanother,becominginvolvedineachother’slives.”Sheallows

thosewordstosinkinbeforecontinuing,“Whatkindoffeelingsareyouhavingfor-”

Shelooksatme,eyebrowsraised,waitingformetosupplyaletter.

“Ah,W.”

ForWellington.

LukeWellington.

BecauseDr.Thompsonseesanumberofstudentsoncampus,shehadpreviouslyaskedmetousea

letterwhenIreferredtosomeoneinoursessions.MycodeletterforColewasM.

ForMathews.

ColeMathews.

“So,whatkindoffeelingsareyouhavingforW?”

AlmostunconsciouslyIstarttwistingmyfingerstogetherinmylap.Except,it’snotunconsciousat

all.It’sanervoushabitI’vepickedupalongtheway.“Ijustfeelveryconfused,”Ifinallyadmitsoftly.I

don’tunderstandthesefeelingsorhowtheycouldhavesprungupsoquicklybetweenus.Ialsoknowthat

Coleisn’tthrilledwithmebefriendingLukeeither.ThelastthingIwantisformyfriendshipwithLuketo

causeproblemswithCole.

“Howso?”

Ishrugmyshouldersnotreallywantingtoverbalizemyfeelingsoutloud.SomehowIknowthat

releasingthemintotheatmospherewillendupfeelinglikeabetrayaltoCole.AndIdon’twanttobetray

him.

“WebarelyknowoneanotherandyetIfeelthisstrangeclosenesstohim.Itdoesn’tmakesenseto

me.”

Againshetiltsherheadtothesideassheasks,“Isthatnecessarilyabadthing?”

“Idon’tknow.”Ishrugbeforeshakingmyhead.“Itmakesmefeelguilty.”

“Guilty?”Sheprompts.

“BecauseofofM.”

ThensheaskswhatI’vebeentooafraidtothinkabout.“AreyousexuallyattractedtoW?”

Shiftinginmychair,myfingersbegintoplaywiththehemofmyshirt.“Alittlebit,”Iadmitquietly.

MyheartpoundsasIreleasethewordsbecauseIdon’twanttofeellikethis.

Dr.Thompsonsmilespatientlybeforesayinginthatsoothingwayofhers,“It’sperfectlynormalto

feelattractedtootherpeople,Cassidy.Thereisnothingwrongwiththat.It’swhatyoudowiththat

attractionthatmatters.”

Butthat’stheproblem.Idon’twanttofeelattractedtohimatall.“IthinkmyissueliesinthatIfeel

thisstrangeclosenesstohim.Ithinkthat’swhyIfeelattractedtohim.”Andwhatmakesitworseisthat

hefeelsthesamewaytowardsme.

Andheisn’tafraidtosayiteither.

Whichisscary.

“Yousharedaverypersonalexperiencewithhim,somethingthattiesyoutwotogetherinavery

intimateway.Itwouldbedifficultnottofeelconnectedtohim.”

Blowingoutalongslowbreath,Isilentlywonderwhatthebestcourseofactionis.AndIreally

wishDr.Thompsonwouldjusttellmewhatthatis.ButIknowshewon’tbecausethisissomethingI’m

goingtohavetofigureoutonmyown.

AllIcandoisfollowmyheartandhopethatnoonegetshurt.

ChapterFive

“Youknowwhatyou’rewearingisthecompleteantithesisofsexy,right?”

Notreallycaring,Iglancedownatthebluescrubsandfakestethoscopedanglingfromaroundmy

neckbeforearchingabrowatBrooklyn.HerassessmentofmyHalloweencostumeisn’texactlywrong.

“Iwasn’tgoingforsexy.”Unlikeacertainsomeonewhoshallremainnameless,I’mnottrollingfora

littlehookupactiontonight.

Brooklyn,whojustsohappenstobeachampatmultitasking,addsthefinishingtouchestohersmoky

eye,beforehuffing,“Wellmissionaccomplished,NurseJackie,becausenoonecouldpossiblymistake

youforsexy.”

Mybrowssnaptogetheratthat.“That’sDr.Jameson,toyou.”

Heronlyreactionistorollhereyes.Aftertwoandahalfmonthsofroomingtogether,I’mmorethan

usedtoit.Infact,IwouldevengosofarastosayI’mbarelyaffectedbyitatall.

Brooklyn’scostume,ontheotherhand,oozessexiness.Shehasallbutpouredherselfintoatight

blackbodysuitbeforeaddingapairofmidnightcoloredcatearswhichareperchedinherwildmaneof

wavyblondehair.She’salsopinnedatailonherbackendandhasblackwhiskerspaintedacrossher

cheeks.

I’malmostafraidofthetroubleshe’llfindtonight.

Andthecomments…

Mygodthecomments.

Icanallbuthearthemnow.

ThatfeelingonlyintensifiesasIcontinuestudyingher.“IsthereanywayIcantalkyououtof

wearingthat?”

Sheturnstomewithabiggrinbeforeshakingherhead.“Nope.”Shemakesthewordsoundmore

like-nooooooopebeforepoppingthePattheend.

Iarchabrowbeforemuttering,“Therewillbenoendtothepussycommentsyou’llhavetoendure.”

Hereyesturndecidedlysly.“Aslongasthey’remadebyhot,muscly-typefootballplayers,I’m

perfectlyfinewithit.”

Ugh.Badanswer.“Fine.Let’sgothen.”

AfewgirlsfromthefloorcatcharidewithusasweallpileintoCole’selectricblueMustang.Ilove

hiscar.It’ssexyashelljustlikeheis.ApparentlyI’mnottheonlyonelackingincreativitybecauseCole

iswearinghishockeyjerseywithapairofjeans.Thepadsmakehisshoulderslookhuge.

Andyeah…sexyashell.

ThepartyisatoneofthehousesonGreekrowandasweturnontothestreet,it’shardtotellwhich

partywe’rehittingbecausethereareaboutsevenoreightothersalreadyinfullswing.Tonsofpeople

crowdthestreets,obviouslystaggeringfromonepartytoanother.BothBrooklynandColewarnedme

abouthowcrazyitgetshereonHalloween.

Guesstheyweren’tlying.

WithmyhandfirmlyensconcedinCole’s,wewindourwaythroughthethickpressofbodies.

BrooklynisrightbehindmetalkingwithOlivia,agirlfromourfloor.Intakesaboutfiveminutestopush

ourwayintothekitchenwherethelightingisdimbutdecent.Colegrabsusbothwatersbecausehe

doesn’tdrinkoncehockeystartsupandafterthedebaclethatwaslastyear,I’veprettymuchlostmy

appetiteforalcoholicbeverages.OnceinawhileI’llhaveadrinkortwobutthat’saboutit.

HeoffersonetoBrooklynbuthereyesgoflatasshenarrowsthematsomeoneacrossthecrowded

roombeforesaying,“Yeah,I’mgoingtoneedsomethingahellofalotstrongerthanthattomakeitthrough

tonight.”

There’sonlyoneguywhocanelicitjustsucharesponsefromher.

Andthatwouldbeherex,Austin.

MygazeshiftsasIcasuallyscanthevicinity.Sureenough,Austinisstandingontheothersideofthe

room.There’sadrinkinonehandandagirlunderhisotherarm.Almostimmediatelymyeyesflybackto

Brooklynwhohasn’tmovedasinglemuscle.Withoutawordbetweenus,Iquicklywrapmyarmaround

herwaistsilentlyofferingalittlebitofmoralsupport.

Buthonestly…whatdoessheexpect?

Thathe’sjustgoingtokeepchasingafterher?

She’sdonenothingbutshutdowneveryoverturehe’smadesincetheybrokeupabouttwoweeksago.

He’striedcalling,texting,explainingwhatwentdownthenightshecaughthimkissingsomehockey

whore(herpetnameforthehockeygroupiesoncampus)butBrooklynhasrefusedtohaveanythingtodo

withhim.ItwasreallyonlyamatteroftimebeforeAustindecidedtocuthislossesandmoveon.ButI

havetowonderbythelookinherwidegreeneyesifthat’swhatshereallywants.

I’mkindofguessingitmightnotbe.Thatbeingsaid,I’vealsocometorealizejusthowstubbornmy

roommatecanbe.Whichisprettydamnstubborn.

“Youokay,Brook?”Iaskthequestiongently.“Doyouwanttogetoutofhere?”Becausethereare

plentyofotherpartieswecancrashtonight.Andthey’reallprettymuchthesame.Loudmusic,drinksa-

plenty,andtonsofcostumedrevelers.

FinallyrippinghereyesfromAustin,shehoistsasmileasifshe’snotbotheredintheleast.AndifI

didn’tknowheraswellasIdid,I’dthinkmaybeshewasn’t.ButBrooklynandIhavegottenreallyclose

inthepastfewmonthsandIcantellthatseeingAustinwithanothergirlaffectsherinawayshedoesn’t

necessarilylikeorwant.

Smilefirmlyplasteredacrosshergorgeousface,shesays,“Ofcoursenot,I’mfine.There’sno

reasonwhyweshouldleave.”

Givingherabeseechinglook,Ican’tresistaskingonefinaltime,“Areyousure?”

HersmileturnsbrittleandIsuddenlyhaveasinkingfeelingabouttonight.Pussycomments

notwithstanding.“Absolutely.”

Colereturnswithabigredcupfullofbeer.AshehandsBrooklynthedrink,sheimmediatelytosses

itbackgulpingdownatleasthalfofitscontentsintensecondsflat.

Andsoitbegins…

Withwideeyes,ImeetCole’sconfusedgazebecauseclearlyherealizesthatsomethingisn’tright.

BeforeIcancluehimin,Brooklyndrainstherestofhercupbeforestalkingoff,mutteringsomethingabout

findingthekeg.

Andahotguy.

Notnecessarilyinthatordereither.

Stilllookingperplexed,ColefollowsBrooklynwithhiseyesbeforequirkingabrowatme.“DoI

evenwanttoknowwhatthatwasabout?”

“Probablynot.”ThenIadd,“Austin’shere.Andheisn’talone.”

ThisexplanationonlyseemstoconfuseColemore.AndIcan’treallysaythatIblamehimforit

becauseColewastheonewhohadtofinallysitAustindownandtellhimtobackthehelloff.Ithinkthe

wordsrestrainingorderwereactuallyusedduringthatconversation.Multipletimes.

So…yeah.

“Ithoughtthat’swhatshewanted.”

Ratherspeculatively,IstareafterBrooklyn’sretreatingform.AndI’mnottheonlyoneeither.At

leastfourpairofeyes,includingAustin’s,followherblackswishingtailassheleavestheroom.“I’mnot

sureifBrooklynknowswhatshewants.”Ormaybeshejustwishesshedidn’twantthepersonshe

actuallywants.

ColeslipshishandintomineandIsmileashegivesitalittlesqueezebeforeleaningdowntopressa

quickkissagainstmylips.Butit’snotenough.NotnearlyenoughandsoIgrabtheneckofhishockey

jersey,pullinghimdownforanother.Thisoneisalittlemorelingering.AndI’mcertainlynotintoPDA

butmostofthetime,Ijustcan’tgetenoughofhim.That’swhensomeoneclearstheirthroatrather

noisily.Breakingapart,webothturntofindAustin.Oneofhiseyebrowsiscockedashestaresatus

withafairamountofdisgust.

“Can’tthetwoofyoukeepyourhandsoffeachotherforfivefreakingminutes?”

OnesideofCole’smouthbowsupashewrapshisarmaroundmyshoulder,tuggingmecloser.

Smirking,hereplies,“Nope.”

EventhoughIshouldn’task,Ican’thelpmyself.Inodtowardsthegirlhe’djusthadhisarmaround.

“Who’sthat?”

Thereisn’tawholelotofinterestinhiseyesastheyflicktowardsthegirlinquestion.Noticingus,

shesmilesbrightlybeforegivinghimalittlewave.Austinliftshischininacknowledgement.

“JustagirlIknow.”

Imakeanoncommittalnoisebutdon’tsayanotherword.Hiseyesshiftfromthetallblondethathad

justbeenclingingtohimtowhereBrooklynisjustbarelyvisibleintheotherroom.That’swhenitoccurs

tomethatJust-A-Girl-I-KnowbearsastrikingresemblancetoBrooklyn.

Whichiskindofinteresting…inacreepysortofway...

Austin’sfacedarkens.“I’vegottagetbacktoEva.”Withoutanotherwordtousheheadsbacktohis

Brooklynlook-alike.MyeyesslidetoColebeforegivinghimalittleshrug.It’scompletelyobviousthat

neitheroneofthemareovertheother.

Cole’smouthbrushesslowlyoverminebeforehewhispers,“Ithinkmylipswererightabouthere

whenweweresorudelyinterrupted.”

Eventhoughwe’reinthemiddleofahugeparty,mybellydipsashiseyesdarken.Thatonelookhas

thethickcrowdslowlyrecedingintothebackground.Ican’tbringmyselftocareonebitaboutthecrush

ofpeoplesurroundingusandIlovethathe’scapableofmakingmefeelthatway.

HaveImentionedjusthowsexyColeisinhishockeyjersey?

Yeah…seriouslyhot.

HislipsloweruntilIcanfeeltheheatofthembuthedoesn’tquitetouchmebeforemurmuring,“So,

isthereanychanceofgettingaphysicallateron,doc?”

Thecornersofmylipshitch.“Yep,andit’sgoingtobeincrediblythorough.”

“Hmmm.Ilikethesoundofthat.Maybeweshouldgetoutofherenow.Whatdoyouthink?”

Leaningcloser,Ifinallycapturehislipswithmyownbeforesaying,“Let’sdanceforalittlebitand

thenwecanslipaway.”

“It’sadate.”Hewinksbeforegrabbingmyhandandthenwe’rewindingourwaythroughthethick

gyratingcrowdtothelivingroomwherepeoplearedancingtotheloudpulsingmusic.Astrobelight

flickers,illuminatingallthecostumedrevelers.Ittakesonlyamomentbeforeweloseourselvesinthe

poundingbeatofthemusic.BrooklynandoneofCole’steammates,Alex,joinus.Rathercomically,

Alexiswearingahugecondomcostume.

It’sextremelyfitting.Theguyisallabouthookingup.

Hisfacestickingoutofallthatmade-for-her-pleasurelatexishilarious.

AndwatchinghimashetriestoputthemovesonBrooklynisevenfunnierbecauseshe’snothaving

anyofit.Sheshutshimdownateveryturn.EventhoughmyrelationshipwithAlexstartedoutkindof

rocky,we’refinallyfriends.Okaymaybethetermfriendsispushingitabit.Acquaintancesprobably

sumsupourrelationshipfairlynicely.ColewasrightwhenhesaidthatAlexwasharmless.Heis.He’s

hugeandgoofyandfairlyaffable.AlthoughIhavetohandittohim,forsomeonesoenormous,he’srather

amazinglysmoothonhisfeet.

Afteraboutfortyminutesonthedancefloor,I’veworkedmyselfupintoasweatymess-Ithinkweall

have.Brooklynyellsoverthemusic,“Let’sfindthebathroom!”

BeforeIcanevennodmyheadinagreement,she’salreadydraggingmeawayfromColetowardsthe

hallway.Idosomepointingandgesturing.Colemustbearingerwhenitcomestocharadesbecausehe

nodshisheadinunderstandingasIturntofollowBrooklyn.Wehavetoweaveourwaythroughallthe

zombies,ghosts,andsexydevils.

Becausethepartyisridiculouslycrowded,weendupwaitinginlineforabouttenminutesbefore

we’refinallyabletolockourselvesawayinthebathroom.

AsBrooklynusesthetoiletfirst,Iturntowardsthemirrortoassessthedamage.AndjustlikeI

expected-it’sbad.Myfaceisallredandsweatyfromdancing.Jeez.IlooklikeI’vejustruna

marathon.I’mgladthatIdecidedtowearscrubsandnotsomethingheavier.Eventhoughit’stheendof

Octoberandthere’sadefinitechillintheair,it’shotashellinherewiththisinsanecrushofpeople.

AfterBrooklynfinishes,wequicklychangeplaces.Shechecksherselfoutintherectangularmirror

hangingoverthesink.Unlikeme,she’snotallsweatyorredfaced.Inarrowmyeyesbecausehersweat

actuallymakesherlooklikeshe’sshimmering.Orglistening.

Bitch.

“So,”Iclearmythroat,“Austin…”

Herfacetightens.“Whatabouthim?”

“Doesitbotheryouthathe’sherewithsomeoneelse?”Iwouldactuallybeshockedifsheadmitted

thatitdid.

Brooklyndoesn’tmissabeatbeforeanswering.“Nope.Notatall.”

Slowlysheslicksabrightredtubeoflipstickoverherlips.Nowwhereshepulledthatfromisa

totalmysterybecausethatbodysuitiscurvehuggingtight.“Itoldyoubefore,we’rethrough.Hecansee

whateverslutbaghewants.”

EventhoughIdon’tusuallysmirkonprinciplealone,Ican’tresist.“Ithinktheonlyslutbaghewants

toseedoesn’twantanythingtodowithhim.”

Shesnortsbeforeslidingthetubebackintoawellconcealedpocketatherhip.Anddamnifit

doesn’ttotallydisappear.Yep…totalbitchalright.

Lookingsuddenlyirritated,sheturnstowardsme,settlingahandonherhip.Herglareisoutinfull

forcebutI’mfairlyimmunetoit.“Thisisoneslutbaghewon’tbeseeingagain.”

Finishingup,Iflushthetoiletbeforewashingmyhands.I’mnotevengoingtotryandrepairanyof

thedamage.IknowalosingbattlewhenIseeone.It’sgentlythatIsay,“Well,thenI’mgladyou’veboth

movedon.”

“Yepandifwe’refinishedhere,there’sahotKappaouttherewiththebestarmsI’veseeninquitea

while.”

Smiling,Irollmyeyesbeforeweheadoutintothethickcrowdofpeoplesmashedintothehallway.

Brooklynnudgesmefrombehindasshenodsherheadtotheright.“Speakofthedevil…”Herwords

trailoffasIfindtheguyshe’stalkingaboutandyeah…objectivelyspeaking,hisarmsarepretty

spectacular.

Shecocksaneyebrowatmeasaknowinggrintumblesslylyacrossherface.Apparentlyallthoughts

ofAustinarelonggonewhichisprobablyforthebest.

WithhereyesfocusedonMr.Muscles,Brooklynasksoutofthesideofhermouth,“Doesmyhair

lookokay?”

“Sexyashell,justliketherestofyou.”Brooklyn’shairishersecretweapon-long,blonde,and

lustrouswithanenviableamountofbounceandwave.I’msurethereisasecretundergroundsocietyof

BrooklynhatershereatWesternwhowouldseriouslyenjoyscalpingher.Hell,ifsheweren’tmybest

friend,I’dbehalftemptedtohatehermyself.

Straighteninghershoulders,shekeepshereyeslockedonthetargetinfrontofher.“Wishmeluck,

I’mgoingin.”

Ilayahandonhershoulderjustbeforeshe’sabouttoleave.“Likehehasachanceinhellof

resistingyou.”

Onecornerofherlipslowlyslidesupwardintoasmirkasherglitteringeyesspearmineforjusta

moment.“Damnstraighthedoesn’t.”

Ican’thelpbutmeethersmile.“Justdon’ttearhimapartwithyourteeth.It’ssuchamesstoclean

upafterwards.”

Sheactuallylaughs.“I’llbeasgentleasIcan.”

I’msurehe’llbefollowingheraroundcampuslikealostlittlepuppydogcomeMondaymorning.

Withherhipsswinging,shestridesovertotheKappaandstartschattinghimup.Forjustamoment,I

watchinawebecausethereisabsolutelynowayinhellIwouldeverbeabletowalkuptosomerandom

guyandstartcomingontohim.

Yep…theguyalreadylookslikehe’sbeendrugged.

It’salmostimpressivejusthowshe’sabletoweaveaspellaroundtheoppositesex.Andseeingthe

smileonherfaceismuchbetterthanthepissymoodshe’sbeeninoverAustin.I’mjustturningaway

fromBrooklynandherconqueredKappawhenIslamintoabody.Almostimmediatelymyhandsshoot

outtosteadythepersonI’veratherclumsilyknockedinto.

“I’msosorry!”

Thegirllaughsbeforeshakingherhead.“It’sfine.Nodamagedone.”

Asmileimmediatelyslidesacrossmyfaceinreliefbecauseclearlythisgirlisn’tgoingtogetugly

overmeaccidentlybumpingintoher.Whichunfortunatelyhappens.Andthedrunkersomeofthesegirls

are,thenastiertheyget.Clawsareunsheathedintheblinkofaneye.It’saslicefirst,askquestionslater

kindofsituation.

Tiltingherheadtotheside,shestudiesmeforamoment.“IthinkIsawyouwithafriendofmine-

ColeMathews.”

Sincesheseemscoolenough,Ithrustmyhandouttowardsher.“Hi,I’mCassidy.”

Shakingmyhand,thesmileneverfaltersfromherface.“Jackie.”

Oneword.

That’sallittakesformyeyestopoprightoutoftheirsockets.

Jackie…AsinCole’sex-girlfriendJackie?

Colehasn’texactlybeenveryforthcomingwithinformationaboutherortheirrelationship.And

althoughI’dliketoknowmore,IcanhardlycallhimoutforkeepingsecretswhenIrefusedtotellhim

anythingaboutwhathappenedtomeatDartmouth.

FromthelittleI’velearnedfromSammy,whoisoneofmyhockeyteammatesaswellasCole’s

cousin,Jackiereallymessedhimup.Which,inmyopinion,isexactlywhyhewon’ttalkabouther.

I’malittleshellshockedtofindherstandingrightinfrontofme.Dressedasasupersexynurse.

“Um,hi.”Ithinkthewordscomeoutsoundingmorelikeaquestion.

Hmmm…isitpossiblethatthisgirlisn’tJackie-the-ex-girlfriendandisJackie-the-friend-I’ve-

never-heard-of-before?

Probablynot.

WhichmeansthatIactuallyhavetoask.“So,howdoyouknowCole?”

Alookpassesoverherfaceandsomethingwithinmybellydropstotheverytipsofmytoes.Even

beforeshesaysaword,IalreadyknowthisisdefinitelyJackie-the-ex.

Damn.

“ColeandIgrewuptogether.”

Andwehaveconfirmation.

Myeyesrakeoverherwithnewinterest.Tryingtotakeineverythingaboutherallatonce.She’s

taller.Infact,Ithinkshehasagoodfourinchesonme.Soshemustbeaboutfivefooteightornine.

Unconsciously,ormaybenotsounconsciously,Ithrowmyshouldersbackbeforestraighteningmyspine.

Itprobablydoesn’thelpmuch.WhereIhavelongstraightblackhair,herdarkbrownmaneistumbling

downherbackinbigsoftcurls.Evenwiththedimlightingofthehallway,Icantellshe’sbeautiful.And

thin.Exceptintheboobdepartment.She’sdefinitelyalotmorestackedthanIam.Evenwithmypadded

bra,Ifeelwoefullyinadequate.

ThereasonI’mthinkingherboobsareatleasttwocupsizesbiggerthanmineisbecausethey’re

practicallyspillingoutofthecostumeshe’swearing.Onedeepbreathandhercleavagewillprobably

bustrightoutofthere.

Ireallyhatetoadmitit,butI’mkindofwishingIhadlistenedtoBrooklynandputonsomethinga

littlemoreflatteringthantheseblueshapelessscrubs.ButIwon’tbementioningthattoher.I’dnever

heartheendofit.

ComingupshortwhencomparedtoCole’sex(literally),hasmefeelingslightlychurlish.Well,if

nothingelse,thegirlgetsazeroforcreativity.Therehavetobeatleastadozen,ifnotmore,

sexy/slutty/skankynursesfloatingaroundheretonight.Ialmostwinceatmyowncattythoughts.You

knowwho’stoblameforthatcorruption?

Brooklyn.She’ssuchabadinfluence.

Tiltingherheadtotheside,Jackiebitesherlowerlipbeforehesitantlyasking,“Iwashopingwe

couldgooutsideandtalkforaminute.”

Mybrowsshootupattheunexpectedinvitation.EventhougheveryinstinctIhaveisscreamingfor

metofindCole,Iignoreit.InsteadIgiveheratightnod.Withoutanotherword,sheturnsdownthehall

andIfollowuntilwe’vewovenourwaythroughthekitchenandoutthebackdoor.

Ofcourseshehasanamazingassontopofeverythingelse.

Aswestepoutintothechillydarkness,myeyesquicklyadjust.Thereareafewclumpsofpeople

standingaroundinsmallcirclestalking,laughing,andsmokingcigarettes.

Bythesmellofit,they’reprobablysmokingotherthingsaswell.

Wefindaquietspotnearanoldwoodengarageatthebackoftheproperty.Whenwe’refarenough

awaythatwecantalkprivately,shefinallyturnstomebeforewrappingherarmsaroundhermiddle.

“Ididn’tthinkitwasgoingtobesocoldout,”sheunexpectedlycomments.

It’sonthetipofmytonguetotellherthatifshehadactuallywornsomeclothing,shewouldn’tbe

cold.InsteadIstiflethecomment.BecausethisissomeonefromCole’spastthathedoesn’ttalkabout.

ButIdidn’tgetdraggedoutheretodiscusstheboutofunseasonableweatherwe’reexperiencing.“I

knowyoudatedCole,”Isayinstead.

Hereyesflarejustabitinthemoonlightfilteringdownuponus.It’sHalloweenandthere’safull

moonouttonightbutthat’snotwhatI’mthinkingabout.ThisissomeoneColeloved.Someonehewas

attractedto.IwanttofindoutasmuchaboutherasIcan.

Slowlyshenodsherheadbeforeherteethsinkintoherbottomlip.“Yeah,”sheadmitsslowly,“I

did.”Lookinguncomfortable,sheshiftsherslenderbody.“YouknowwhoIamthen?”

Isitmyimaginationoristhereahopefulnotepeakinginhervoice?“Sammymentionedyou.”

“Oh.”Hermouthwiltsatmywords.“Soyou’refriendswithSammy?”

Inod.“Weplayhockeytogether.”

Onebrowslowlyrisesacrossherbrowashereyesslideovermeagain.“Sammy’skindofa

bruiser.Youdon’tlooklikethehockey-playing-type.”

Myspineautomaticallystiffens.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”

Hereyeswidenbeforeshequicklyshakesherhead.“Ididn’tmeananythingbyit.”

ThistimeI’mtheoneraisingabrow.Becauseyeah,shetotallydid.AndI’mnotevengoingto

examinewhyitmakesmefeelbetterknowingthatherandSammyweren’tBFF’s.“Didn’tyou?”

“No,youjustseemsosmall.”Herexpressionturnstooneofbemusement.“Ibethelovesthatyou

play.”

Idon’tsayanythingtothatbecauseIreallydon’twantherknowinganythingaboutmyrelationship

withCole.Maybecomingoutherewithherwasn’tsuchagoodideaafterallbecauseitsuddenlyfeels

likeCole’sex-girlfriendissizingmeup.

Whenhereyesmakeanotherslowsweepoverme,IknowI’mright.

ImpatientlyIask,“Whydidyoudragmeouthere?”BecausesuddenlyI’mitchingtogetbackinside.

AllIwanttodoisgrabColeandgetthehelloutofhere.Idon’twanthimanywherenearher.

“BecauseIstilllovehim,”shefinallymurmurs,“andIwanthimback.”

IwishIcouldsayherwordssurpriseme…buttheydon’t.

ChapterSix

WhatIknowaboutJackieandColeisthattheywerebestfriendsgrowingupbeforedecidingto

becomemore.Theydatedinhighschoolandwerestilltogetherwhentheyleftforcollegelastfall.But

overthecourseoftheirfreshmanyear,theybrokeup.

FromthelittlethatbothColeandSammyhavementioned,Ihavemysuspicionsastowhatwent

downbetweenthem.

Takingastabatit,Isuddenlyask,“Ifyoulovedhimsomuch,whydidyoucheatonhim?”

Ifmybluntquestionsurprisesher,shedoesn’tshowit.Hereyesshifttothesurroundingdarknessas

achillybreezewhipsitswaythroughthetrees.Tighteningmyarmsaroundmyselfastheleafless

branchesshakeaboveus,Iwaitforherreply.Ihonestlycan’timaginewhyanygirlwouldbestupid

enoughtocheatonaguylikeCole.

JustwhenIstarttowonderifshe’llbotheransweringmyquestion,sheinhalesagiantgulpofair

beforepushingitoutslowlyuntilitlooksasifherentirebodyhasdeflatedrightbeforemyeyes.

Whateverthoughtsareswirlingaroundinherheadmustweighheavilyuponherbecauseherentirebody

slumpsasifitmightfoldinonitself.

“ColewastheboyIexperiencedallmyfirstswith.”Shesmilesjustatinybitbutit’ssadaroundthe

edges.“Firstdance.Firstkiss.Firstdate.Firstboyfriend.”

Ialmostcringewaitingforthenextwordstotumbleoffherlips.

“FirstguyIsleptwith.”Shetakesanotherdeepgulpofoxygen.“Firstlove.”

Releasingalongbreath,Iallowherwordstosettleoverme.

“AndIdidlovehim.”Hereyescuttomineasshecontinues.“Ireallythoughtgoingtodifferent

collegeswouldn’tbeabigdealforus.We’dknowneachotherforalmostourentirelives.He’dbeenmy

bestfriendforyears.WetalkeditalloutbeforeIleft.HewouldvisitmeandIwouldcomehomewhenI

could.IfI’dknownwhatwouldhappen,Iwouldn’thaveleftOakton.IwouldhaveappliedtoWesternso

wecouldbetogether.ButI’dwantedthechancetobeoutonmyown,awayfrommyfamily.ColeandI

hadbeentogetherfortwoyears.Webothknewthat,atsomepoint,wewouldgetmarried.AndIwanted

toexperiencelifebeforewedid.”

HearinghertalkaboutthefuturesheandColehadplannedouttogetherhasmybellyfloodingwith

nausea.Becauseayearortwoago,that’sexactlywhathewanted.Hewantedtomarrythisgirl.

“Whydidyoudoitthen?Whydidyouthrowyourfuturewithhimaway?”Idon’tevenrealizethe

wordsareoutofmymouthuntilit’stoolate.

Herentirebodystiffensasmyharshwordsslamintoher.Sheholdsmyeyesforalongtensemoment

beforetiltingherheadback,staringupintothebright,starlitteredsky.“Imetsomeoneafewweeksinto

thefallsemesterlastyear.Westartedoutasfriends.ItoldhimrightfromthestartthatIhadaboyfriend

andthatwewereserious.Wehadtwoclassestogethersowesaweachotherquiteabit.BeforeIknew

it,wewerespendingalotoftimetogether.Studying,eatinglunchordinnertogether,justhangingout.

Afteraboutamonth,myfeelingsforhimstartedtochange.”Hereyesskewermineassheshrugs.“I

stoppedthinkingaboutColeandalltheplanswe’dmadeandstartedthinkingaboutDrew.Igotcaughtup

insomeonewhowastherewithme.”Hershouldersslumpassheadmits,“AndIthoughtIlovedhim.”

“IsthatwhenyouandColebrokeup?”

Shesucksinanothergulpofair.“No.”

“Soyoulethimthinkyouwerebeingfaithfulwhenyouwereactuallyseeingsomeoneelse?”

Lookingmiserable,shenodsherheadjustonceinacknowledgement.“Afterafewweeks,Irealized

thatDrewwasn’ttheguyIthoughthewasandIbrokeitoff.”Shechewsherbottomlip.“Ithoughtabout

tellingCole,butIwasscared.SoIconvincedmyselfthattellinghimwouldonlyhurthimandIdidn’t

wanttodothat.Itwaseasiertopretendthatithadneverhappened.Imean,bythattime,Iknewithad

beenahugemistakeandwewerenolongerseeingeachother.”

We’rebothsilentbeforeshefinallywhispers,“ButthenIfoundoutIwaspregnant.”

Myeyesflareopenuntiltheyfeelasiftheymightrollrightoutofmyhead.

Pregnant…

Iactuallyshudderbecausethatcouldhaveeasilyhappenedtomelastyear.IwashookingupwhenI

wasdrunk.AndIwasn’talwayscareful.

“IhadtotellColethatI’dbeenwithsomeoneelsebecausethebabywasn’this.”

MymindwhirlsandIactuallyfeelsick.PoorCole.Ican’tbelieveshedidthattohim.Slowlymy

eyesfalltoherwaistlinebecauseintheskimpylittlenurse’soutfitshe’swearing,shesureashelldoesn’t

looklikeshejusthadababy.

“Ilostit.”Sheglancesawayasshemumblesthewordsandit’sclearthateventhoughthismaynot

havebeenaplannedpregnancy,shestillmournsthelossofherbaby.

“I’msorry.”IfeelstrangelycompelledtoreachoutandtakeherintomyarmsbecauseIcan’t

imaginewhatthatmusthavebeenlikeforher.ButIdon’t.

Eventhoughshelooksmiserable,herlipsliftjustabit.“Itwasn’tmeanttobe.That’stheonlywayI

canlookatit.Aftereverythingthathappened,Idecideditwouldbebesttoliveathomeforawhileand

gotoschoolhereuntilIcangetmylifefiguredout.”Shegivesasoftlittlelaughbutthere’snohumor

withinit.“Iwentfromhavingeverythingperfectlyplannedouttoallofitfallingapart.”

IshakemyheadbecauseIknowexactlywhatthatfeelslike.

It’sstrangetothinkthatJackieandIhavesomethingotherthanourloveforColeincommon,butwe

do.BecauseImadeahugemessoutofmylifelastyear.Justlikeshedid.

IreallywishIcouldhatethisgirl.

ButIdon’t.

InsteadIfeelsorryforher.

Iknowalltoowellwhatitfeelsliketofuckup,onlywantingtomakeamendsforallthehurtyou

caused.Eventhoughshedoesn’tknowit,andI’mnotabouttotellher,wesharethatincommon.We’re

bothtryingtofindourwaybackfromthedarkness.

Asmymindgrapplesoveroursharedsituation,I’mremindedoftherealreasonshe’sbackin

Oakton.“YoualsocamebackhopingtoworkthingsoutwithCole.”

“Yes.”

“Youknewbeforetonightthatwewereseeingeachother.”

Herbottomlipfindsitswaybetweenherteethasshenibblesonit.“Iactuallywenttolunchwith

Cole’smomlastweekandshetoldmethathewasinvolvedwithsomeoneatschool.Butshewasn’tsure

howseriousitwas.”

EventhoughIhaven’tmetCole’smotheryet,hertellinghisex-girlfriendthatColeandIaren’t

seriousstingslikeaslaptotheface.

“Weareserious,”Iwhisper.BecauseIwanthertoknowthatI’mnotjustgoingtohandhimover

withoutafight.

Shenods.“Yeah,Ifiguredthatoutalready.I’veseenyouguysaroundcampustogetherandIcantell

thatColereallylikesyou.”

Helovesme.ThewordsareonthetipofmytonguebutIdon’treleasethem.Theyaren’tforher.

“Butyou’restillgoingtotryandgethimback.”It’snotaquestionbecausewebothknowtheanswer.

Holdingmygaze,shetiltsherheadtotheside.There’snothingmaliciousaboutherdemeanor.

Again,IwishIcouldhateher,butIdon’t.“Wouldn’tyou?Wouldn’tyoudoanythingtogethimback

again?”

ThewordrollsoffmytonguebeforeIcaneventhinkaboutit.NotthatIhaveto.“Yes.”

“Idon’thaveanythingagainstyou,Cassidy.”Shetakesasteptowardsmeuntilwe’renomorethana

footapart.“Andforwhatit’sworth,I’msorry.”Shepauses.“ButIneedCole.I’vealwaysneeded

him.ImadeamistakeandIwantachancetofixit.”

“Iwon’tjustlethimgo,”Iwhisperthicklyintothedarkness.

Shesmilesjustabit.“Iwouldn’texpectyouto.ButColeandIhavealotofhistorybetweenus.It

mighttakesometime,buteventuallyhe’sgoingtoforgivemeandtakemebackagain.Wewereeach

other’sfirstloves.Youdon’tjustgetoverthat.”

SomethingshrivelsinthepitofmybellybecauseIthinkshemightberightaboutthat.Whatmakesit

somuchworseisthatColeisthefirstguyI’veeverloved.He’sthefirstguyI’veevergivenmyselfto

whenitreallymattered.Whathurtsisthathemayhavebeenthefirstforme,butIwasn’ttheonehe

sharedallthosethingswith.

Jackieis.

Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,IfeelasifIcan’tsuckinenoughoxygen.Itfeelsasifmychesthas

tightenedupandIhavetofightforbreath.Closingmyeyes,Iconcentrateoninhalingthechillynightair

intomylungs.WhenI’mfinallyabletogathermyscatteredthoughts,IrealizethatJackiehasdisappeared

andI’mstillstandingoutsideinthecold.

ChapterSeven

EventhoughthelastthingIfeellikedoingisheadingbackintothatparty,withallitsnoiseandmusic

andhotpressofbodies,Ihaveto.IhavetofindCole.Ineedtoreassuremyselfthathe’sstillmine.That

I’mtheoneheloves.

ThatJackiemaybebackbutwhatevertheysharedisoverwith.

Inallhonesty,IhavenoideajusthowlongIstoodoutsidewithJackie.NordoIknowhowlongit

tooktogettheanxietythathadstartedtoclawatmebackundercontrol.ItoldColeIwasgoingtothe

bathroomandthenIneverreturned.JustbeforeIopenthebackdoortoheadinside,Ipullmyphoneout

fromthepocketofmybluescrubs.SomethingwithinmeinstantlysettleswhenIseethatI’vemissedtwo

callsandthreetextmessagesfromhim.

Iquicklytrycallingbutthere’snoanswer.Whichisn’ttotallysurprisinggiventheamountofnoise

inside.SoIshoothimaquicktextlettinghimknowthatI’mfineandlookingforhim.Isetmyringeron

vibratesoIcanfeelifherespondsasIpushandshovemywaybacktothelivingroomwherewehad

beendancingearlier.

Ittakessometime,becauseitfeelsasiftheamountofpeoplenowsmashedinsidethehousehas

doubled.MynervesjumpandstretchasIsearchthroughthedarkenedroom.Allthesepeople,withtheir

costumesandpaintedfaces,havemefeelingonedge.Itrystandingonmytiptoeshopingtoseeoverthe

massofpeoplebutI’mnottallenough.ForjustamomentmybreathhitchesandalthoughI’mnotusually

claustrophobic,I’mstartingtofeelthatwaynow.MychestcontinuestotightenwhenIcan’tfindColeor

evenBrooklyn.

Hell,I’dbehappytoseeAustinorAlexatthispoint.Ineedtofindafamiliarfaceinthiscrowdof

strangers.Becauserightnow,therearen’tany.AndIcanfeelmyselfgrowingmoreandmoretense.

JustasI’mabouttomoveintoanotherroom,Iseedark,artfullymussedhairandIknowrightaway

thatit’sCole.Iwouldknowthosemessylocksanywhere.SomethingwithinmeinstantlycalmsasI

forciblypushmywaytowardshim.He’satthebottomofthestaircasethatleadstothesecondfloor.

Eventhoughit’sdoubtfulthathe’llhearme,Istillshouthisname.I’mdisappointedbutnotsurprised

whenhedoesn’tturnaround.Ijustwanttoreachhim.Iwanttograbhishandanddraghimoutofallthis

chaos.IwanttokisshislipsandtellhimhowmuchIlovehim.Iwanttomakesurethatheneverhasany

reasontodoubtthewayIfeelabouthim.

IfJackiethinksshecanwaltzinhereandstealhimfromme,lethertry.Itwon’tdoheradamnbitof

goodbecauseIknowexactlyhowmuchColelovesme.Anditwon’ttakeherlongtofigureitouteither.

ForthefirsttimesincesteppingoutsidewithJackie,Ifeelasifthehugepitsittingatthebottomofmy

bellyhasfinallydissolved.

JustasIopenmymouthtoyellhisnameagain,Irealizethathe’swalkingupthestairs…andheisn’t

alone.EverythingstillswithinmeasIwatchJackietrailbehindhimbeforedisappearinguptothesecond

floorwhereIcannolongerseethem.

Eventhoughthey’vebothvanishedfromsight,allIcandoisstarestupidlyafterthemasallthe

feelingsofinsecurityJackiehasjustbreathedlifeintowhiptheirwaythroughmeoncemore.AndthenI

dotheonlythingIcan.

Ifightforbreath.

Because…I…can’t…seem…to…catch…it…

“Cassidy?”

Iflinchwhenagentlehandsettlesonmyshoulderbeforespinningaround.EventhoughI’vebeen

workingthroughmyissuesintherapyforagoodtenmonths,itstillbothersmetobetouchedbyastranger

orevenstartledbysomeoneIknow.

Whichisthankfullythecasethistime.

Withmyhandstightenedintofistsandmyeyeswide,ImeetLukeWellington’sconcernedbluish-gray

gaze.SilentlyIwatchashiseyesslidecarefullyoverme,lingeringonmytightenedhandsbefore

narrowing.

“Areyouokay?”Eventhoughheasksthequestion,Ithinkwebothknowtheanswer.

ForjustamomentIstareathimbeforefinallygivingalittleshakeofmyhead.

Hecockshisheadtothesideashiseyescontinueprobingmine.“Toomanypeople?”Evennow

thereisacrushofcostumedpartierssurroundingus,pushingatusfromallsides.

Itfeelsasifthereisnoroomtobreatheinhere.

Notenoughair.

Whichisutterlyridiculous.Iknowitis.Butthat’sexactlyhowitfeels.

“Yeah.”Ineedtogetoutofhere.IhavetoescapethisplacebeforeIloseit.

Noddinghisheadasifheunderstands,hishandcarefullytightensaroundminebeforepullingme

towardsthefrontdoor.“Let’sgetsomefreshair.That’llmakeyoufeelbetter.”

Idon’tsayanythingandhedoesn’twaitformetoanswer.Hesimplyplowshiswaythroughthemass

ofbodies.BecauseLukeisoversixfeettallandiswideintheshoulders,he’saforcetobereckoned

withasheeasilyclearsapathforus.Plusheplaysdefense.He’susedtopushingpeopleoutoftheway.

Unlikemostthepartiersheretonight,Lukeisn’twearingacostume.Forsomereason,thatmakesme

feelmoreatease.Withtheflickeringlights,loudmusic,andunrecognizablepeople,itfeelsbettertosee

thefaceofsomeoneIknow.

Assoonashetowsmethroughthefrontdoor,Iinhaleagreatbigbreathofoxygen.Thecoldnight

airimmediatelyhitsmycheeks,coolingmeandcalmingmyracingthoughts.Hecontinueswalkingus

downthefrontporchstepsontothethincrackedcementpathuntilwe’restandingonthesidewalk.Only

thendoeshefinallystopbeforeturningtowardsme.Hishandssettleonmyshouldersandnormally

somethinglikethatwouldbothermebutitdoesn’t.

BecauseLukeissafe.

He’sproventhatalready.

“Whathappenedinthere?”

Hishazeleyessearchmineinthemoonlight.Eveninthedarkness,they’rebrimmingwithconcern

andonceagainIfeellikeatotalidiotforeventhinkingthathewasgoingtospreadallmydirtysecrets

aroundWestern.MymindtumblesbacktoourconversationattheUnion.

Andtothefactthatwe’renowfriends.

Buthewantsmorethanjustfriendship,Iremindmyself.Andbecauseofthat,Idon’tthinkIshould

tellhimaboutColedisappearingupstairswithhisex-girlfriend.God,eventhinkingaboutitmakesme

sicktomystomach.

InhalinganotherdeepbreathIslowlyblowitoutbeforesaying,“Iwasjustfeelingalittle

claustrophobic.It’snotabigdeal.I’mfine.”Itryhoistingasmallsmile.“Really.”ButI’mprettysure

itfallsflat.

Hedoesn’tdisagreewithmypronouncementeventhoughIthinkhewantsto.Hiseyescontinue

probingmineasifheknowsthatI’mnotbeingcompletelytruthfulwithhim.“Theyletwaytoomany

peopleinthere.Youcanbarelymove.”

Thecornersofmymouthliftjustabitmore.Talkingaboutthecrowdfeelssaferthandiscussingthe

realreasonIhadtogetoutofthere.“Yeah,it’smuchtoocrowded.”

“So,”hefinallyasks,“where’sCole?I’msurprisedhewouldleaveyoualone.”Henodshishead

towardsthehouse.“Especiallywiththatcrowd.”

Ihesitatebeforegivinghimapartialtruth.“IwenttothebathroomandwhenIcameback,Icouldn’t

findhim.”ButIdidfindhim…IfoundhimclimbingthestairswithJackieintowandthatknowledgeis

eatingawayatme.

Hishandssuddenlyslideintothepocketsofhisjeans.“Didyoutrytextinghim?”

“Yeah.”Buthedidn’tanswer…

“Andhedidn’trespond?”Surpriseisriddledthroughouthiswords.

ItmakesmefeelasifIhavetorushtoCole’sdefense.“Hetextedandcalled,Ididn’thearit.AndI

didthesamebutit’ssoloudinthere.Youcan’thearanything.”IncludingwhenIyelledhisnameashe

climbedupthestairswithhisex-girlfriendfollowingrightonhisheels.AgainIhavetopushthose

thoughtsoutofmyhead.

Helooksthoughtfulbeforesuggesting,“Ifyou’refeelingbetter,wecanheadbackinsideandlookfor

him.”

Butwhatifhe’sstillupstairswithJackie?Whatifthey’reworkingthingsoutbetweenthem?Isshe

tellinghimhowmuchshestillloveshim?Isshebeggingforhisforgiveness?Eventhoughmymindshies

awayfromtheidea,Ican’thelpbutwonderifmaybethey’redoingmorethanthat.

No.Ican’tgobackinthererightnow.

“IthinkI’lljustheadbacktothedorms.It’salittletoocrazyinthereforme.”

Lukeshrugshisbroadshoulders.“Okay,mytruckisparkeddownthestreet.I’llgiveyouaride

back.Youshouldn’tbewalkingaroundherealoneatnight.”

He’sright.Iknowheis.

ForjustamomentIhesitate.ShouldIjustgobackinsideandfindCole?EventhoughIknowmy

phonehasn’tvibrated,Islideitoutofmypocketbeforecheckingforanynewmessages.

Buttherearen’tany.Ican’thelpbutstareblanklyatthescreen,willingittoring.Ireallyneedto

hearhisvoicerightnow.

Whenitdoesabsolutelynothing,Ifinallywhisper,“Okay.”Lukeslingshisarmcasuallyaroundmy

shouldersaswestartwalkingupthesidewalk.Aslightshiverworksitswaythroughmeatthecontact.

BeingthisclosetoLukefeelsdifferentthanbeingnexttoColeandIcan’thelpbutcatalogueallthesubtle

differences.

Glancingdownatme,heasks,“Cold?”

SinceIcan’tverywelltellhimthetruth,Ilie.“Um,alittlebit.”Thetemperaturehasdroppedsince

weleftthedormsafewhoursago.Butthat’snotthereasonforthetremorrackingmybody.Lukepulls

mejustabitcloseraswecontinuewalking.ItonlytakesafewminutesbeforewereachhisdarkSUV.

Openingthedoorforme,IstepupbeforesettlingmyselfintothefrontseatasLukequietlyclosesit.A

momentlater,he’sslidinginnexttomeandstartingtheengine.

“Areyouhungry?”Hiseyesflicktowardsminebeforearrowingstraightbacktotheroadinfrontof

him.“DoyouwanttograbsomethingtoeatbeforeIdropyouoff?”

Bitingdownonmylip,allIcanthinkaboutisthebackofCole’sheadashedisappearedupthestairs

withJackie.“Idon’tthinkso.”ThattwentysecondskeepsloopingunwantedlythroughmyheadandI

can’tmakeitstop.Idon’twanttothinkaboutwhathappenedaftertheyreachedthesecondfloor.

Heshootsmeanotherquickglance.“Ifsomething’sbotheringyou,Cassidy,youcantellmeaboutit.

Areyousureyoudon’twanttositdownandtalk?”Hisvoicedropsanoctave.“I’magoodlistener.”

Surprisedthathecanreadmesowell,myeyesflybacktohis.

Then,startlingmeevenmore,hisgazepinsmeinplacerightbeforehesoftlyadmits,“Webothsaw

Coleheadupstairs.”

Forsomereason,hotscaldingtearsinstantlyfillmyeyes.Andthenthedamnburstsandeverything

Jackiesaidtomecomespouringout.

ChapterEight

Cole

Christ.

Exactlyhowlongdoesittaketwogirlstousethebathroom?

Well…apparentlyit’satleasttwentyminutesbecausethat’showlongCassidyandBrooklynhave

beengonefor.Itfeelsasifaboutahundredmorepeoplehavesomehowpiledtheirwaythroughthefront

doorintheirabsence.Andthispartywasalreadyjampackedbeforewearrived.Nowit’swalltowall

people.

Notknowingwhatelsetodo,Istarttowardsthefirstfloorbathroom.ForallIknow,they’restill

waitinginline.JustasI’mheadinginthatdirection,IspotBrooklyn.Almostinstantlyreliefrushes

throughme.She’sstandingwithsometall,buffdude.Irecognizehimfromaroundcampusbutdon’t

knowhisname.IttakesamomentformetorealizethatCassidyisn’twiththem.

“Brooklyn!”Itryshoutinghernamebutwiththeblaringmusicandinsaneamountofpeople,she

doesn’thearme.Nosurprisethere.SoIcontinuepushingandshovingmywayovertoher.WhenI’m

practicallyontopofher,Itaphershoulder,yellinghernameasIdo.

Thistime,bothherandtheguyshe’swithturntowardsme.Thedudestiffensbeforemovingjustabit

closertoherasifI’mgoingtotrystealingherawayfromhim.Ialmostrollmyeyesatthepossessiveness

flaringwithinhisnarrowedgaze.ThisisexactlywhyAustinisinsuchdeepshitwiththisgirl.

NormallyIwouldfindthisguy’sbehaviorhilarious,butI’mnotinthemoodforitrightnow.Ijust

wanttofindCassidy.Wherethehellisshe?HowdidshegetseparatedfromBrooklyn?InsteadImutter,

“Chill,I’mlookingforherfriend.”

Eventhoughhedoesn’tsayanythinginresponse,hisbodyrelaxes.Buthestilldoesn’tstepbackto

giveussomebreathingroom.

WithmyeyesonBrooklyn,Iask,“Where’sCassidy?Ithoughtshewaswithyou?”

Herdarkblondebrowsdrawtogetherasherredslickedlipspullintoaconcernedline.“Wesplitup

afterweusedthebathroom,”sheyellsback.

Mybrowliftsbecauseit’scompletelyobviousthatthisdouchebagisthereasontheysplitup.

Myknowinglookisn’tlostonBrooklyneitherasherlipsliftinsuddenhumor.“ThelastIsawof

her,shewasheadingbacktofindyou.”

Great.

AtthispointallIwanttodoisfindherandgetthehelloutofhere.I’vehadenoughofthismadness.

Ijustwanttogohomeandhitthesheets.WithCassidy.Preferablynaked.“Whenwasthat?”

Sheshrugs.“Abouttenorfifteenminutesago.”

Irunaquickhandthroughmyhairbeforepullingmycellphoneoutofmypocketandtryingtocall

herbutthere’snoanswer.Ishootheraquicktextaskingwheresheisbeforetryingtocallonemoretime.

Stillnoanswer.

Well,shehastobeheresomewhere.AndI’mdamnwellgoingtofindher.EvenifIhavetowade

througheveryfreakingroominthishousetodoit.

Wantingtotakeoff,Ishout,“IfyouseeCassidy,tellherI’mlookingforher,okay?Tellhertocall

me.”

Shenodsbeforeturningbacktothedudewhoisallbuthoveringoverhernowasifsomeonemight

swipethetastyboneheplansonsinkinghisteethintolater.ForjustamomentIfeelbadforAustin

becauseeventhoughhecameheretonightwithanothergirl,Iknowhe’sstillhunguponBrooklyn.That

dudehasbeenmessedupeversincetheybrokeup.

Andit’snotthatIdon’tsympathize,becauseIdo.Buthisfreakingmentalstateisstartingtoaffecthis

abilitiesoutontheiceandthatwejustcan’thave.Theguyneedstoseriouslypullittogetherandmove

on.

Notknowingwhatelsetodo,Ipushmywaybackintothelivingroomasmyeyessearchevery

darkenedcornerforCassidyandherbluescrubs.Butthestrobelighteffectisn’tmakingitanyeasier.

Isitpossibleshewentupstairs?

Ihavetoshovemorethanonepersonoutofmywaytoreachthestaircase.WhenI’monthelanding,

Iturn,surveyingtheridiculouslythickcrowd.Butagain,withtheflickeringlight,Ican’tseeadamn

thing.SoIheaduptothesecondfloor.

Hell,Iloveagoodpartybutthisisjustplainobnoxious.AndI’mmorethanoverit.

JustasIreachthetopofthestairs,Ifeelsomeonetugonmyhand.Withasmileofrelief,Ispin

around.JustasIreachouttograbher,wantingtowrapmyarmsaroundher,Irealizeitisn’tCassidyat

all.

It’stheverylastpersonIeverthoughttoseeatWestern.

ThereisnowayinhellthatJackie-freaking-CarltonishereatsomeKappaHalloweenparty.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

Butyeah,apparentlyit’sentirelypossiblebecauseasmynarrowedeyesroveoverher,Iknowthere’s

nomistakingJackieforanyothergirl.Shewasmybestfriendforoveradecade.Sheownedmyheartfor

twoyearsbeforesmashingittoshit.

Notwantingtofeelherskinagainstmine,Ibackupasteportwountilherhandfallstoherside.

“Hi,Cole,”eventhoughshemouthsthewordssoftly,Istillhearher.It’slikethepartyaroundushas

suddenlybeenmuted.She’stheonlythingIseeandhear.

TheonlyacknowledgmentIgiveisaquickjerkingofmyhead.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”The

questionmayberude,butIdon’tgiveadamn.

Rathertentativelyshetakesanotherstepcloserbeforeanswering.“ItransferredtoWesternoverthe

summer.”Hereyessearchmineinthedarkness.

Feelingdumbfounded,Igruntbeforesaying,“Ihaven’tseenyouaroundatall.”

Sheshrugsherslendershouldersbeforeanswering.“I’mtakingtwoclassesonedayaweekand

livingathome,soI’mnotoncampusverymuch.I’llbemovingintoahousewithAmyandDanicabefore

springsemesterstartsandthenI’mgoingtotakeafullload.”

WhichmeansI’llprobablyenduprunningintoher.

Awesome.

Thisnightjusttookamassivenosedive.“Well,Ihopeitallworksoutforyou.I’vegottogo.”Now

IreallyneedtofindCassidysowecangetthehelloutofhere.Idon’twantheranywherenearCassidy.

ThefactthatJackienowgoestoschoolhere…

ItmeansthatI’mfinallygoingtohavetoopenupandtalkaboutJackieandwhathappenedbetween

us.Withherlivingoutofstate,Ineverworriedaboutrunningintoher.Itwassomucheasiertopushher

outofmymind.Iwon’tbeabletodothatanymore.

“Cole.”Shehesitatesasmyeyesjerkunwillinglybacktohers.“Canwe…maybegosomewhere

andtalk?”Shemustseetheshutdownlookinmyeyes,becauseherwordsturnpleading.“Please?Just

forafewminutes?”

Thereisnowaythat’sgoingtohappen.Ihavenothingtosaytothisgirl.Whichissad.Really

fuckingsadbecauseforalongtime,shewasmybestfriend.Wespenteverywakingmomenttogether.

AmyandDanicamayhavebeenherfriends.Neitheroneofthemwereherbestfriend.Iwas.NowI

can’tevenfreakingstandtobeinthesameroomwithher.“No,sorry,I’vegottogo.Iwaslookingfor

someonewhenIcameuphere.Ineedtogetbackdownstairs.”

BeforeI’mabletocompletelyturnmybackonher,shesuddenlysays,“ImetCassidy.”

Eyesflaringwide,Ispinbacktowardsher.EventhoughIwouldneverhitagirl,Irealizethatmy

fistsarebunchedtogetherlikeImightthrowapunch.Ittakeseveryeffortonmyparttoslowlyunlockmy

muscles.WhenI’mfinallyabletoformwords,Igrowlbetweenclenchedteeth,“Stayawayfrom

Cassidy.WhatyouandIhadisover.You,”Iemphasisbyjabbingafingertowardsher,“destroyed

everythingIfeltforyou.”

EventhoughI’msuretheremustbepeoplemillingaroundus,I’mnotawareofthem.Myeyesare

lockedonherwidebrownones.

She’stheonewhothrewourrelationshipaway.Notme.AsIholdhergaze,IrealizethatIfeel

nothingbutangerforher.There’snolovewhatsoever.Ialmostlaughbecauseit’ssuchafreakingrelief.

Thisisthefirsttimewe’veseenoneanothersinceshecalledmerightbeforeThanksgivinglastyear

totellmethatshewasknockedup.AtthetimeIwasn’tsurewhichhurtmore.Thefactshe’dthoughtshe

lovedanotherdudeorthatshe’dbeenfuckinghimbehindmybackandendeduppregnant.

Ignoringmyanger,shetakesanotherhesitantsteptowardsme.“Iintroducedmyselftoher.That’s

it.”Theedgesofherlipsslideupnervously.“Sheseemsreallynice.”Thenshesaysabitmorequietly,

“Forwhatit’sworth,I’mreallygladyou’rehappyandI’msorryaboutwhathappenedbetweenus.I

reallyam.”

BecauseI’mnotinterestedinrehashingthepastorhearinganyofherlameapologies,Igivemy

shouldersaquickjerkinresponse.NowfindingCassidyfeelsevenmoreimperative.Ican’timagine

whatmustberunningthroughherhead.Theideaofthemactuallyhavingaconversationhasmecringing

inside.

“Look,I’vereallygottogo.”IneedtofindCassidyandfigureoutwhatwentdownbetweenthem

becauseI’mbettingthatJackiehassomethingtodowithCassidy’ssuddendisappearance.

Crap…

AsItrytopassby,sheblocksmewithhertalllithebody.EventhoughIcouldeasilypushpasther,I

don’t.Idon’twanttotouchheratall.WhichiscompletelyironicsinceIcouldn’tkeepmydamnhands

offherwhenweweretogether.

“Cole?”

Impatienceradiatesoffmeinhotthickwaves.Iwonderifshecanfeelit.I’moverthisconversation

andI’mdonewithher.Ijustwanttogetthehellawayfromher.Awayfromthememoriesthatareeating

meupfromtheinsideout.UnfortunatelyJackiehappenstobetiedtoalmostallofmychildhood

memories.It’snotjustthetimewespentdating.

Grittingmyteeth,IfeelevenmoreaggravatedthanIwasbefore.Ijustwanthertoleavemealone.

“Yeah?”

Shedoesthatthingwhereshebitesdownonherlowerlip.Herbigbrowneyesarelockedonmine,

filledwithuncertainty.IreallyhatethatIstillknowallherlooks.Stillknowwhattheymeanandwhat

she’sfeeling.“Maybenotnow,butdoyouthinkwecouldsitdownandtalksometime?”Shegulps

beforeadding,“Iknowwecan’tgobacktobeingwhatweoncewerebutmaybewecouldtrytoatleast

befriendsagain?”

Isthisgirljoking?

Hellno,wecan’tbefriends.

HerbetrayalkilledeverythingIfeltforher.Ididn’tjustloseagirlfriend.Ilostmybestfriend.

Shakingmyhead,Idon’tevenbotheranswering.

“Please?”Shewhispersquietly,“Imissyou,Cole.Imissourfriendship.We’vebeenfriendssince

weweresevenyearsold.Ihatethatyou’renolongerpartofmylife.”Hereyesonceagainturnpleading.

“Justthinkaboutit?Please?”

ForjustamomentIgapeatherbeforesayingslowly,“You’retheonewhodidthis.Youforfeitedmy

friendshipthemomentyoudecidedtoscrewaroundbehindmyback.”

AssoonasIletthosewordsloose,tearsspringtohereyes.“I’msosorry.Imadeamistake.I

woulddoanythingtogobackandfixit.”

Isnortbeforetakingastepclosertoher.“IwasfaithfultoyouandItrustedthatyouweredoingthe

samebecauseyoulovedme.Butyoudidn’t.Instead,youshitallovertheloveIfeltforyou.So,no,I

can’tforgiveyouforthat.”

Unabletostomachamomentmoreofthisconversation,Ifinallypushpasther,stompingmyway

downthestaircase.Thepastisroaringthroughmyheadlikealocomotive.Icanseeusaskidsplayingin

thetreehousemydadbuilt.Doinghomeworkorplayingvideogamesinmiddleschool.Inhighschool,

we’dhangateachother’shousesorgotothemovies.Idon’tthinksheevermissedonesinglehockey

game.Shewasalwaysinthestandscheeringmeon.IrememberthedayIrealizedthatIwantedhertobe

mygirlfriendbutwastoochickenshittosaythewords.Iwasafraidshedidn’tfeelthesamewayabout

me.Iwasafraiditwouldchangeourfriendship.AndthenwhenIfinallyworkedupthecouragetotell

her,shebeatmetothepunch.It’sallrushingthroughmyheadasIshovemywayintothelivingroomstill

searchingforCassidy.

Plowingahandthroughmyhair,Islidemyphonefrommypocketonlytorealizethatthedamnthing

isdead.

Fuck!

IhavenoideawhereCassidyisbutIknowIhavetofindher.

AndIhavetofindhernow.

ChapterNine

Luke

“Whatiftheygetbacktogether?”Shegulpsbeforeadding,“Imean,ColeandIhaven’treallybeen

togetherallthatlong.Andtheyhavethiswholelonghistorytogether-theydidn’tjustgoout,theywere

friends.Bestfriends.”Sheworriesthenapkinbetweenherfingersasshecontinuestalking.Idon’teven

thinksheknowsshe’sshreddingitintolittletinypieces.“We’retalkingchildhoodfriends,”sheaddsasif

Idon’tgetwhatshe’stryingtosay.

Insteadoftakingherbacktothedorms,we’resittingatadinerlocatedafewstreetsoverfrom

campus.ShejusttoldmeaboutbeingambushedbyColeMathews’crazyex-girlfriend.Theverysame

ex-girlfriendwhohasnowmovedbacktoOaktonandisattendingWestern.Apparentlytheywentoutfor

abouttwoyearsandwerebestfriendsformostoftheirlivesbeforesheproceededtoshitalloverhimby

hookingupwithanotherdudeandgettingknockedup.

Talkaboutonehellofamess…

Ican’thelpbutwonderifColehasanyinterestingettingbacktogetherwithhisex.Shesoundslikea

realwinner.

UnfortunatelyCassidyiscaughtrightinthemiddleofallthiscrazyassdrama.Iknowsheloves

Cole.Hell,she’sbeenmorethanupfrontaboutherfeelingsforhim.Butobviously,what’sgoingonnow

isapotentialgamechanger.It’snottotallyoutoftherealmofpossibilitythatColecouldbreakupwith

herandgetbacktogetherwiththisJackie-chick.Theydo,asCassidypointedout,havealonghistory

betweenthem.

WhatsucksmostishowthisisaffectingCassidy.Icanbarelystandtoseeallthepainanduncertainty

swimmingaroundinherbeautifulblueeyes.Thisisonegirlwhodeservesaguywhoisgoingtoworship

theverygroundshewalksonandclearlythatguyisn’tColeMathews.

I,ontheotherhand,wouldtotallytreatherright.Ifshewouldgivemejustachance,I’dbemore

thanhappytoproveittoher.SoifColeisboneheadedenoughtotakeupwithhisex-girlfriend,thenI’ll

berightherehelpingCassidytopickupallthepieceswhenhedoes.

Ofcourse,thefactthatColeandIareteammatesmakesthewholethingalittlemorecomplicatedbut

Iseriouslydon’tgiveashit.There’snobrocodebetweenusasfarasI’mconcerned.ImetCassidylast

yearandIhaven’tbeenabletogetheroutofmyheadsincethen.She’slikeaghosthauntingme.

Istillcan’tbelieveshe’shere.

AtWestern.

Andit’snotlikeI’mgoingtodoanythingtobreakthemup,becauseIwon’t.Imaywanther,butIcan

waitforwhatevertheyhavetoburnitselfout.WhenIrealizedthatshewasseeingCole,Ifigureditcould

takeafewmonths.Maybelonger.SoimaginemysurprisewhenIsawColewalkingupstairswiththat

sluttylittlenursepantingafterhim.AndthenIfoundCassidywatchingthewholethingwithaheartsick

lookonhergorgeousface.

AllIreallywantedtodowaswrapherupinmyarmsandgetherthehellawayfromthem.So,no…

inmyopinion,ColeMathewsdoesn’tdeserveher.Hecanhavehistrashyex-girlfriend.I’lltake

Cassidy.

YouknowwhatIreallylikeabouther?

Thatshedidn’tuseHalloweenasanexcusetodressupinsomeskanky,barely-therecostume.And

it’scertainlynotthatIcan’tappreciatethesluttylittlecostumessomeofthesegirlsarewearing,becauseI

definitelycan.Andiftheywanttoshowoffeveryfreakingthingtheyhave,I’mmorethanhappytolook.

Honestly,youwouldthinksomeofthesegirlsdon’tknowwhatthehellself-respectlookslikebecauselet

metellyou-itcertainlyisn’thavingyourtitsfallingoutofthefrontofyourdressorbendingoverand

givingeveryguythereamentalsnapshottoaddtotheirspankbank.

Mullingoverthesituation,Itakeanothersipofmycoffeebeforeasking,“Sowhatareyougoingto

do,Cassidy?Areyougoingtotalktohimaboutit?”

Hermiserylacedeyesfastenontomineoncemore.They’reliterallykillingmeoverhere.Ijust

wanttoyankherintomyarmsandsoothawayallthehurtshe’sfeeling.Butthere’snowayIcandothat.

She’llbolt.Andshewon’tcomebackeither.Cassidyremindsmeofananimalthathasbeenmistreated.

Shespookseasily.She’ssomeoneyoureallyhavetotakeyourtimewith.AndI’mmorethanwillingto

dothatbecauseattheendoftheday,Iknowshe’sworththeeffort.

“IthinkIhaveto.”

LikeIsaidbefore-I’mnotlookingtobreakthemup.That’snotthewayIwantusgettingtogether.

WhatevershehaswithCole,itneedstorunitscoursebeforeshe’llbeabletomoveonwithme.“She

maywanthimbutthatdoesn’tnecessarilymeanhewantsherbackinhislife.”

Hermouthliftsfractionallyasshesilentlyconsidersmywords.Trustme,I’dlikenothingbetterthan

totellhertodumphisstupidassbutIknowthat’snotthewaytohandlethissituation.

“Iknow.It’sjustthat…”Herwordstrailoffashereyesdroptotheuntouchedcoffeesittinginfront

ofher.

Whenshedoesn’tfinishherthought,Ipromptsoftly,“It’sjustwhat?”

Herbeautifulblueeyeslifttomine.God,Icouldallbutdrowninthem.“IwishIcouldhateherfor

wantinghimbackbutIjustcan’t.”

ThatissonotwhatIwasexpectinghertosay.Ialmostsnortinresponse.Thisgirlisseriously

killingme.She’swaytookindhearted.

AgainIwantnothingmorethantotugherintomyarmsandholdherclose.“Ofcourseyoucanhate

her.Itwouldbeeasytodo.”Mylipsliftintoasmile.“She’stotallyhate-able.”

Theedgesofhermouthcurlslowlyintosomethingthatalmostresemblesasmileandmyheart

actuallyconstricts.“No,Ican’t.Shemadeamistake.”Hersofteyesholdmineasshecontinues,

“Maybealotofthem.Justlikeme.Ithrewawayallmyhopesanddreamslastyearandsodidshe.

We’rereallynotallthatdifferent.”

Thefactthatshe’sevencomparingtheirsituationsisridiculous.Cassidyandthisgirlcouldn’tbe

moredifferent.ImaynotknowCassidywell,butshewouldneverdisrespectsomeoneshesupposedly

lovedbycheatingonthem.That’snotthekindofpersonsheis.Themistakesshemadearecompletely

different.Iseethatevenifshecan’t.

“YouwereoverwhelmedbythestressandpressureofplayinghockeyatadivisionIschooland

takingarigorousclassload.Shedecidedtofuckaroundonherboyfriendbecauseshewasboredand

fell,”Iuseairquotestodrivehomethepoint,“inlovewithsomeotherdude.That’shardlythesame

thing.Don’tevenputyourselfinhercategory.”

Thefactthatshe’sdoingsoactuallypissesmeoff.

Iwishshecouldseeherselfthewayeveryoneelsedoes.Shemayhavestumbledlastyearbutthe

coreofwhosheisisstillthesame.Andthat’stherealdifferencebetweenthesetwogirls.

Jerkinghershoulders,it’sobviousshedoesn’tbelieveawordI’msaying.

Reachingout,Itentativelycoverherfingerswithmyownasherwideeyesflytomine.Iknowhow

CassidyfeelsaboutbeingtouchedandIknowwhyshefeelsthatway.Afterall,Iwastherethenightshe

wasalmostrapedbythosethreedouchebags.Iwouldhavefuckingkilledeachoneofthemwithmybare

handsbutitwasmoreimportanttogetheroutofthesituationthanbeatthepissoutofthem.

Ofcourse,that’snottosayIdidn’tgiveeachofthemthebeatdowntheydeservedatalaterdate,

becauseyoubetyourassIdid.Ididn’twantanyofthemgettingawaywithwhattheyhadbeenintenton

doinganditwasobviousthatCassidyhadn’tfiledapolicereportsincenothingeverhappenedtoanyof

thoselittlepricks.

SoImeteoutmyownbrandofjusticeandyouknowwhat?

Itfeltprettydamngoodbloodyingmyknucklesontheirfaces.

“Cassidy,”Isayquietly,“youandthisgirlhaveabsolutelynothingincommonandyoudon’thaveto

hateherorfeelbadforhereither.Shemadeherownchoices.IthinkyouandColeneedtotalkaboutthe

factthathisex-girlfriendisnowhereandfigureoutwhatitmeans.Whichhonestly,couldbenothing.”

Withhersmallhandstillensconcedinmine,shesmilessoftlylookingalmostrelievedbymywords.

“Yourright,I’mprobablyoverreacting.Justbecausetheymighthavehadaconversationtonightdoesn’t

meanthey’regettingbacktogether.”

Nodding,Iadd,“I’msureyou’reright.YouneedtotalkwithColeandgetthingsfiguredoutinstead

ofjumpingtoconclusions.Okay?”That’sthebestadviceIcangiveher.Becauseintheend,Iwant

what’sbestforher.Ijustdon’thappentofeelthatColeMathewsiswhat’sbestforher.Butsheneedsto

figurethatoutonherown.

“Yeah.”Asshegivesmeanothersmallsmile,somethinginmygutclenches.“Thankyou,Luke.I

reallyappreciateyoutalkingwithmeaboutthis.”Shestaresdownatheruntouchedcupofcoffeefora

longmomentbeforequietlyadmitting,“Therearen’tmanypeopleIcanconfidein,”herluminousblue

eyeslift,skeweringminewiththeirheartfeltintensity,“I’mreallygladyou’reinmylife.”

Christ.

Shedefinitelywouldn’tbesayingthatifsheknewjusthowmuchIwantedher.Butuntilherand

Mathewsarecompletelyover,friendsisallwe’lleverbe.Asmuchasitsucks,asmuchasIwantmore,

I’llbethatstrongshouldershecanleanon.Andwhenshe’sfinallyready,I’llbemore.

I’llbehereverything.

ChapterTen

I’mjustabouttoclimbintobedwhenthere’saloudknockonmydormroomdoor.BecauseI’mnot

expectinganyone,itstartlesthecrapoutofme.

“Cassidy?”

AssoonasIhearhismuffledvoice,I’mflyingfrommybedtothedoorbeforeyankingitopen.

“Cole!”

AndthenI’mhurtlingmyselfintohisoutstretchedarmsandhe’ssqueezingtheverylifeoutofmebut

it’sthebestdamnfeelingintheworld.Aftereverythingthathappenedtonight,Ijustwanttoburrowinto

hischestandstaythereforever.Idon’twanthimtoeverletmego.Weholdeachotherfiercelyfora

handfulofsilentmomentsbeforeheslowlypullsaway.It’sjustenoughforhimtosearchmyeyesinthe

darkness.

“Whatthehellhappenedtoyou?Wheredidyoudisappearto?”Hebarelytakesabreathasherapid

firesquestionsatme.“DoyouknowhowworriedIwaswhenIcouldn’tfindyou?”

Thereliefofmomentsagosuddenlygiveswaytoanger.Iseeitbrimminginhiswhiskeycolored

eyes.Hedoesn’tevengivemeachancetoanswerbeforecontinuingjustasfiercelyasbefore.

“Ilookedeverywhere.AndBrooklyndidn’tknowwhatthehellhappenedtoyoueither.”

Hiseyesquicklyrundownthelengthofmeasifhe’scheckingtomakesureI’mstillinonepiece

beforeheuseshisbigbodytobackmeupintotheroom,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.

Hisarmsarestillwrappedaroundmeandeventhoughhe’smad,allIwantistobeheldbyhim.

“Cassidy?”Thistimehemurmursmynamemorequietly,thesharpestpartofhisangeralreadystartingto

fade.“IwasworriedwhenIcouldn’tfindyou.”Hesqueezesmetohimagainbeforeadding,“Itried

callingbutyoudidn’tpickup.”

“Ididn’thearit.”Imurmurthewordsagainstthesolidwallofhischest.“ButItriedcallingand

textingafterIsawthemessages.Youdidn’tanswereither.”

Verygentlyhepullsawaybeforeleaninghisforeheadagainstmine.“Myphonesucks.Itdiedon

me.”

Iletoutashakylittlelaugh.“Yourphonedoessuck.”

“Itriedfindingyou.”

“Therewerewaytoomanypeople.”Myeyesholdhis.“Ilookedforyou,too.”Bitingdownonmy

lip,Idon’taddthatIsawhimwalkingupthestairswithhisex-girlfriend.Ijustwanttoenjoythisquiet

momentwithhim.

Coleangleshisfaceuntilhislipsareabletoslowlysweeptheirwayacrossmine.Hecontinues

brushingthemovermeuntilmybreathhitcheswithexpectationandlonging.“DidImentionjusthow

worriedIwaswhenIcouldn’tfindyou?”HewhispersthewordsagainstmymouthuntilI’mbreathless

withneed.

“Yep,it’sbeennoted.”

AskinghimaboutJackieseemssostupidnow.Coleisherewithme.IfhewantedJackie,hewould

bewithher.Thereseemslittlepointinbringingherup,inaskinghimforanexplanationasifIdon’ttrust

him.BecauseIdotrusthim.Itrusthimwithallmyheart.

Withhislipscaressingmine,Cole’sex-girlfrienddoesn’tmeanadamnthing.Shemaywanthimbut

thatdoesn’tmeanhehasanyinterestinher.Honestly,nowthatI’mwrappedupinhisarms,Ifeelfoolish

forthinkingshecouldcomebetweenus.

Pullingaway,hiseyesskimdownmybody.“Lostthescrubs,huh?That’sabummer.”

GentlyIsuckhislowerlipintomymouthbeforebitingdownsoftly.“Thatdoesn’tmeanyouaren’t

goingtogetyourphysical,Mr.Mathews.”

Aslowsexysmilecurvesitswayacrosshisfacebeforehisvoiceturnslowandhusky,“Iwasso

hopingyouweregoingtosaythat.”

Withoutanotherword,Ipullthet-shirtandhockeyjerseyoverhishead.Somewherealongtheway,

helosthisshoulderpads.Andjustlikealways,mybreathhitchesatthesightofhimstandingbeforeme

cladinnothingmorethanapairoflowslungjeans.You’dthinkIwouldbeusedtohisstunningphysical

beauty,butI’mnotbecauseeverysingletimeIlayeyesonhim,somethinghotarrowscleanthroughme.

Withoutthought,myhandsglideoverthepowerfulbuildofhisshouldersandtheripplingmusclesof

hisbiceps.Itmakesmealmostweakinthekneestostrokemyfingersoverhiscutbody.Steppingcloser,

Ican’tresistpressingmymouthagainstthefirmsolidnessofhishardchestbeforeslowlylickingmyway

acrossthesinewymusclesofhisstomach.HetensesasIniphimwithmysharplittleteeth.MaybeIeven

bitehimalittletoohard.BecausewhenIpullaway,Iseetheindentationsmarringhisflesh.Hearingthe

lowrumbleofagroanleavehislipshashotshaftsofneedandwantfloodingmypanties.

Myfingersthendriftoverthelargetattoothatbrandshisskin.Itstartsoutattheedgeofhisback

beforewrappingaroundtherightsideofhisribcage.It’sashieldwiththickslicesofredandblackcolor

thatpinwheelaroundit.Alargegoldenlionstandsonitshindlegsinthemiddle.Ontopoftheshieldisa

goldencrown.Thedetailisgorgeousandintricate.Hisdad’sfamilywasScottishandthisisthe

Mathewsfamilycoatofarms.Undertheshieldishisdad’snamealongwiththedatesofhisbirthand

death.Heinkeditontohisskinwhenheturnedeighteeninmemoryofhisfatherwhowaskilledtenyears

agobyadrunkdriver.

“God,Ilovethewayyoutouchme.”

“NothalfasmuchasIlovetouchingyou,”Iwhisperagainsthiswarmflesh.Icoulddothisallnight

longandnevergrowtiredofit.Colehasthemostamazingbody.It’ssoperfectlysculpted.

Iabsolutelylovehowstrongandfirmhishandsareastheysettlegentlyagainstmyribs.Hisfingers

fanoutuntilhisthumbsarejustabletobrushtheundersidesofmybreaststhroughthethinribbedfabricof

mytanktop.Anotherrippleofpleasureshootsthroughmeashisfingersslidedowntothefrayedhem

beforeslippingitovermyhead.

AndsuddenlyI’mjustasbarechestedasheis.

Notsolongagoitwouldhaveembarrassedmetostandinfrontofhimlikethis,especiallysinceI

canfeeltheheatofhiseyeslickingovermyupperbody.ButIloveit.Lovetheworshipfulwayhiseyes

runthelengthofme.Thethrillofhisgazehasmynipplestightening.Hemakesthissexylittlegrowling

noisedeepinhisthroatashishandsrisetogentlycupthefullnessofeachachingbreast.

Amoanslipsoffmylipsashecarefullypalmsme.Strokingeachpebbledtipwithstrongfingers.

“Doyoulikethat?”Hisvoiceislowandgravellyashefollowseachlanguidmovementofhis

fingersthroughheatedeyes.

HetweakseachpuckeredbudwhenIdon’timmediatelyrespond.Ican’tstopthesuddenwhimper

thattumblesoffmylipsashedoesso.Whowouldhaveeverthoughtthatpleasurecouldignitefromjusta

bitofpain?ItquicklyflashesthroughmymindthatIcouldneverbethisopenwithanotherman.

OnlyCole.

“Hmmm?”Hishotgazearrowstomine,skeweringmeinplace.

Wantingananswer,hepincheseachnippleagainwithjustenoughpressuretoleavemegaspingwith

pleasurelacedpain.“Yes!”

“Good,becauseIlovetouchingyou.”Leaningforward,hesootheseachtipwithhistongueandlips

untilI’msquirmingagainsthim.

Whenhefinallypullsaway,hecaresseseachachingbreastonelasttimebeforehishandsslowly

slidedownmysidestothedelicatecurveofmybuttbeforegentlyliftingmeupsoIcanwrapmylegs

aroundhiswaist.Myarmswindtheirwayaroundhisneckbeforepullinghisfacetomine.I’msoturned

onrightnowthatIcan’thelpbutrubmycenteragainstthetautmusclesofhisabdomenwantingonlyto

relievesomeoftheintensepressurethathasbeenbuildingandswirlingwithinme.

Coleisthefirstguytoshowmewhatdesireandpassiontastelike.It’sdoubtfulI’llevergetenough

ofhim.ThewayhesetsmyfleshtoflamesissomethingIneverdreamedexistedbefore.

Hissingoutabreathwitheachfranticmovementofmyhips,Colequicklyclosestheshortdistanceto

mybedbeforelayingmedownonthemattress.Intheblinkofaneye,he’scoveringmybodywithhis.

GodbutIlovefeelingthefullnessofhisweightsettledontopofme.Ilovefeelingthethicklengthofhis

erectionpressedagainstmyachingcenter.

Itleavesmecompletelybreathless.

Ashislipscrashdownuponmine,histongueslipsinsidemymouthtomingleanddancewithmy

own.Thewayhekissesdrivesmeabsolutelyinsane.There’samindlessnessthatsweepsthroughmeas

pleasurefloodseverysinglecellofmybeing.Andthenhismouthistrailingacrossmychinashelicksa

hotpathdowntoonenipplebeforeslidingovertotheother.

Pullingback,hiseyessingemybodyashelookshisfill.“Youhaveabsolutelynoideahowdamn

sexyyouare.IjustwanttofuckyouuntilI’mallyou’reabletothinkabout.UntilI’myoureverything.”

Myglazedeyesmeethis,holdingthemashiswordswashoverme.MylipsliftasIwhisper,“You

aremyeverything.Thewayyoutouchme…nooneelsecouldevermakemefeellikethis.”

Hethrustshishipsagainstmycore,againstthemoisturefloodingmypanties.“Noonewillever

makeyoufeelthewayIdo.”Hiscockstrainsagainsttheveeofmythighs.Hotboltsofpleasureshoot

throughmybodyashepushesagainstme.“Sayit.SaythatI’mtheonlyoneyouwant.”

“Youare,Cole.Idon’twanttomakelovewithanyonebutyou.”

Hishandslipsbetweenusuntilhisfingersareabletoslidebeneaththeclothingstillcoveringmy

throbbingheat.“Noonebutmegetstotouchthis.”

Closingmyeyes,Iarchintohiswarmpalmwantingmorethananythingtofeelhisfingerssliding

deepinsideme,torelievejustalittlebitofthethrobbingpressurebuildingwithinme.Buthedoesn’t.

Hedoesn’tthrusthisblunttippedfingersinsideme,evenwhenIwhimper,pushingmyselfagainsthim.

“Saythewords,Cassidy,”hegrowlsinresponse.

“Onlyyou,”Iwhimper,“you’retheonlyonewhowilleverfuckmelikethis.”

AssoonasIsaythem,heslowlyslidestwothickfingersinsideme,softlystrokingmywetheatuntil

I’mmindlesswiththeneedhehasstokedtolifewithinme.

“Youmakemeache.”

HecontinuescaressingmyinsidesandIswearIcouldcome,comesohardfromthewayhe’s

touchingme.

Heswirlshisfingeracrossmylowerlipsbeforemurmuring,“Yourpussybelongstome.”

“Yes,”Imoan,“yes.”Iwouldagreetoalmostanythingatthispointandheknowsit.Myhipsbuck

againsthimseekingarelease.

Stillinghisfingers,heleansdown,layingasweetkissagainstmymouth.“Ohno,youdon’t.Not

likethis.Whenyoucome,Iwanttofeelyoupulsingandthrobbingaroundme.”

Andthenhe’sgoneandI’mleftgaspingandgroaningimpatientlywithneed.

Adevilishsmilespreadsitswayacrosshishandsomefacemakinghimlookevensexier,asifthat’s

possible,withhishotbodyandrumpledchocolatecoloredhairandgoldenwhiskeycoloredeyesfastened

ontomine.

GodbutIlovehim.

ThatthoughtcartwheelsthroughmymindasIholdhiseyes.

“Iloveyousomuch,”Iwhisper.

Hestills,poisedabovemeandsomethingmeltsinhiseyes.Theheatedsexinessturnsintosomething

different,somethingmore.

Myheartexpandsuntilthefullnessofitbecomesalmosttoopainfultobear.

“Iloveyoutoo,Cassidy.Somuch.Sofuckingmuch.Iwoulddoabsolutelyanythingforyou.”His

eyessearchminefervently.“Youknowthat,right?”

Unabletospeak,Ijerkmyheadintoaquicknod.

IneverexpectedtolovesomeonethewayIlovehim.Hewasatotalsurprisewhoslammed

unwantedlyintomylife.

Leaningdownagain,hepresseshislipsagainstmine,takingusbothtoanunimaginableplace.A

placewhereonlythetwoofusexist.Andthenhe’sthrustinghishipsbetweenmylegs.Thequick

movementhasmegaspingandgroaningallinonesweetbreath.AllIknowisthatIwanttofeelhisnaked

fleshagainstmyown.Iwanttocradlethehardlengthofhimagainstmysilkenheat.Iwanttofeelhim

thrustingintome.

“Ithinktherearetoomanypiecesofclothingseparatingus,”Iwhisper.

Againherockshishipsagainstme.“That’sfunny,becauseIwasjustthinkingtheverysamething.”

BeforeIcanarchmylowerhalfoffthebedtoremovemysleepingshortsandpanties,Cole’slipsare

suddenlyatmynavel.Lickingafierypathdownward,helowersbothmypantiesandshortsone

seductiveinchatatime.Witheverystripoffleshthatisbared,hetraceslittlecirclesacrossmeuntilhe’s

kneelingbetweenmythighs.Thefabricofmyshortsandpantiesisloweredsothathe’sabletolaya

hundredsweetkissesagainstmyheatedflesh.HissofttonguedancesovermyslickwetslitandIcan’t

helpbutwidenmylegswantingtofeelhisheatedbreath,hismouthdevouringme.ButthemoreItry

spreadingmylegs,themoreconstrictedIbecomebythefabricofmyclothingasitstretchestautlyacross

mypulsingcore.

“Takethemoff,”Imoan,ormaybeI’mpleadingatthispoint,“pleasetakethemoff.”Ijustwanttobe

nakedandIwanthimnakedtoo.Iwanttofeeleveryrippedmuscleofhisagainstme.Rockingintome.

ThrustingsodeeplyinsidemybodythatIcan’tthink.

Onlyfeel.

Mymindemptiescompletelyasheslowlyeasesthewaistbandoftheshortsdownmyhipstomy

upperthighsbeforeslidinghistongueoverme.AlonglustygroantumblesfrommylipsasIarchmy

bodyintohismouth.Hestabshistonguedeepinsideme,hisstrongfingersfindingandthenslowly

strokingmyclit.Mybodytightensashotlicksofpleasureswirltheirwaythroughme.Ican’thelpbut

gaspwhenbothhisfingersandhismouthdisappearfrommyachingflesh.

IblinkmyeyesinconfusionashisentirebodydisappearsfromthebedbeforeIfeeltheshortsand

pantiesbeingwhippedoffmybody.Iwatchashequicklylowershisjeans,strippingthemoffuntil

they’recrumpledinapilewiththerestofourclothing.

Myeyesarrowtohiserection.Sothick,long,andhardasitjutsoutfromthedarknestofspringy

curls.Atinylittlethrillshootsthroughmeatthesightofhim.

Godbuthe’sbeautiful.

HowcouldIpossiblygettiredofthis?

That’sreallymoreofarhetoricalquestion...

Forjustonebrilliantmoment,hestandsoverthebedlookingdownatme.Hiseyesroveunabashedly

overmynakedformjustasminesearhiminreturn.

“Spreadyourlegsforme.”Hewhispersthewordsthickly,hiseyesgluedtotheapexofmythighs.

“Iwanttoseeyou.”

Ahotstainofcolorleaksintomycheeks.Eventhoughthisisstillsomewhatnew,andI’mnota

hundredpercentcomfortablewithmybody,Istillwanttopleasehim,togivehimexactlywhathe’sasking

for.Thewayhelooksatme,almostasifhe’sworshippingmewithhiseyes…it’ssomethingI’llnever

getusedto.

Ilovethewayhemakesmefeel.

AndsoIdoasheasks.

EversoslowlyIallowmylegstofallopen.Inhalingashakybreath,Ifeelcompletelyvulnerable.

Butoddlypowerful.Foralongsilentmoment,hedoesn’tmoveasinglemuscle.Barelybreathesashis

eyeswanderoverthepartofmethatonlyhe’sallowedtosee.

Tohave.

“You’resofuckinggorgeous.”Hisheatedeyesrisetoholdminepossessively.“Youknowthat,

don’tyou?”

Mylipsliftjustabitathiswords.Slowlyhestalkstothebed.Amomentlaterhe’skneeling

betweenmylegsagain.HishotbreathfeathersoverthedelicateskinofmyinnerthighsandIcan’thelp

butarchupwardswantingtofeelhiminsideme.

Hislargehandsstrokegentlyovermyinnerthighsbutdon’tmoveanyclosertothepulsingneedof

myheatedflesh.

Arghhh.

Ijustwanttofeelhislipsonme.Histonguethrustingdeepinsideme.Hiswarmbreathforcingme

overtheedge.

Buthedoesn’tdoanyofthat.

HishandscontinuetolightlycaressmeandeventhoughI’mthrobbingwithneed,thetender

massagingstrokesrelaxme.Witheveryswipeofhisfingers,histhumbsmovecloserandclosertomy

centeruntilthey’regrazingmewitheachandeveryunhurriedpass.Iwanttoscream.Iwanttotearathis

shoulderswithmynailsuntilhe’sdrivingintome,releasingthetightlycoiledtensionwithinme.

Iwanttocome.

Rightnow.

Withhismouthorstrongbluntfingerspumpingintome.

It’salmostunbearable,allthistouching.

Hiseyessliceknowinglytomine.“Icouldplaywithyouallnightlong.”

“No,”Iwhimper.Ialmosthatemyselfforthewhinethatfindsitswayintomyvoice.I’mnota

whiner.Butthis…thisissweettorture…itmakesmecrazy.IthasmedoingandsayingthingsInormally

wouldn’t.

AndIloveit.

Lovethathe’sabletobringoutthisneedinme.

Onanotherswipe,hisfingerswidenuntilthey’reabletostrokeovertheslickwetnessofmylips.

Untilhe’smassagingmyheatedflesh.Smoothingallthatmoistureoverme.Andthenhe’sdippinghis

fingersinsidemeuntilI’mmoaning.Mybodyfeelsasifit’sonfire.

“Sowet,”hegrowlsbeforeloweringhisfaceandslidinghistongueacrossme.Lappingthecream

frommybodywithlongdeepstrokes.“Youtastesofuckinggood,Cassidy.Ineedtobeinsideyouright

now.”

“Yes,”Ibreathe.Ilovethefeelofhisthick,bluntcockslidingslowlyinsideme.

Ihearhimripopenacondompackagebeforequicklysheathinghimselfandthenhe’sexactlywhereI

wanthimtobe.Poisedrightaboveme,hismusculararmsbracketingme,hisrockhardabsnestled

againstthesoftnessofmybelly.Histhickerectionisjustabouttoslideinsideme.

Isighashefillsmecompletelyinonelongsmoothstrokebeforerockingintome,againstme.Our

bodiesmoveincompleteharmony.Ican’timaginesharingthiskindofintimacywithanyoneotherthan

Cole.

Itdoesn’ttakemuch.We’rebothsoturnedon,soreadytoburstwiththefreneticenergywealways

seemtogenerate.Hispacequickensjustasthefirstwaveofanorgasmpummelsmysenses.Notwanting

toyellout,Isinkmyteethintothesinewymusclesofhisshoulder.AssoonasIdo,Ifeelhimgrunt,his

ownorgasmstreakingthroughhistautpowerfulbody.

“Iloveyou,Cassidy.”Herumblesthewordsrightbeforeemptyinghimselfinsideme.

“Iloveyoutoo,”Iwhisper,“Somuch.”

ChapterEleven

Oncewe’vebothspentourselves,allthatcanbeheardinmydarkeneddormroomisthesoundofour

raggedbreathing.Helowershisfacetothedelicatecurveofmyneck.Hisbreathfeathersacrossmy

skin.Hisheartpounds,racingagainstmine.

Pressingasoftkissagainstthesideofmyface,herollsawaybeforegrabbingaKleenexoffthetable

besidesmybed.Heslidesthecondomoffbeforewrappingitupandthrowingitinthetrashcanbymy

desk.Thenhe’sback,settlingagainstmeinmythintwinbed.Hisbigbodytakesupmostofthespace.

ButIdon’tcare.IdrapemyselfacrossthesolidwallofhischestasIsiftmyfingersthroughthesprinkle

ofdarkhairsmatteredacrosshisbeautifullysculptedchest.

Idon’tthinkI’veeverfeltthiskindofcontentmentinmylife.

Ratherrhythmically,hisfingerscombthroughmyhair.We’requiet,eachlostinourownprivate

thoughtsforahandfulofminutesbeforehefinallysays,“IwasreallyworriedwhenIcouldn’tfindyou.I

wishyouhadn’tleftthepartywithoutme.Somethingcouldhavehappenedtoyou.”Hisfingerscontinue

tosoftlystrokeoverme.“Don’tdothatagain,okay?”

Bitingdownonmylip,everythingthathappenedearliercomescrashingbackatme.

Jackie.

Hertellingmethatshewantshimback.

WatchingherfollowColeupthestairs.

AndthenleavingthepartywithLuke.

Inhalingadeepbreath,Iwonderwhattosay.Idon’twanttolie.NottoCole.Ipromisedmyself

thatIwouldn’tkeepanymoresecretsfromhim.ButIalsoknowhe’snotgoingtolikewhatIhavetotell

him.Whichmakesmehesitanttodoit.

“Cassidy,babe,didyouhearme?It’stoodangerousforyoutowalkhomealonefromaparty.”

Squeezingmyeyestightlyshut,IpushoutthewordsbeforeIlosemynerve.Everythingfeelsso

peacefulandperfectbetweenusrightnow.Idon’twanttoruinthat.

“Ididn’twalkhomealone,”Ifinallymurmurintothedarkness.

“Youleftwithsomeonefromthedorm?”Hisfingerscontinuedancingtheirwayoverme,butit’snot

enoughtosettlethenervesthatarenowshimmyingacrossmyflesh.

“No.”Crap.“Umm…LukewasatthepartyandIendedupcatchingaridehomewithhim.”

Cole’snakedbodytensesundermine.Nervescontinuetobloomandgrowinmybelly.“Youwent

homewithLuke?”

SlowlyIpullmyselfupsothatwecanlookatoneanother,soIcanseeeveryemotionasitsweeps

acrosshisfaceinthemoonlightfilteringinthroughtheopencurtains.“OnlybecauseIcouldn’tfindyou.”

Butthat’snotaltogethertrue.

Itwasseeinghimheadupstairswithhisex-girlfriendthathadmychesttightening.Thathadleftme

fightingforbreath.Feelingclaustrophobicwiththepressofallthosebodiesclosinginonme.Even

thinkingaboutwhatitfeltlikesuddenlyhasmyskinpricklingwithunease.

“Didhedriveyoustraightbackhere?”He’sfightingtostaycalm.AfterseeingLukeandmeatthe

Unionafewdaysago,hedoesn’treallywantusspendingtimetogether.

Sighing,IknowmyanswerwillonlycausemoreproblemsbetweenusandIdon’twantthat.“We

stoppedandhadcoffee.”

“Youcouldn’tfindme,soLukeswoopedinandtookyououtforcoffee?”There’sadistinctedgeto

hisvoice.OnethatpricksbecauseIdidn’tdoanythingwrong.Afterthewaywejustmadelove,can’the

seethathehasabsolutelynothingtoworryaboutwhereLukeisconcerned?

ColeistheoneIlove.

TheonlyoneIwanttobewith.

Lukeisnothingmorethanafriend.ButI’mleftwonderingifperhapsI’mtheonewhohassomething

tobeconcernedabout.Colehasn’tbotheredtomentionthathisex-girlfriendisnowhereatWestern.Or

thatshewasatthepartytonight.

Whyishekeepingitfromme?

Sittingup,Iquicklygatherthesheetaroundmybody.ThefactthatIwasjustbaredsocompletelytoo

himfeelsalmostlikeanotherlifetimeago.Howisitpossiblethatalloftheloveandtrustwemanagedto

forgebetweenushasdisintegratedintheblinkofaneye?

Keepingmyvoicelevel,Itryexplaining,“Iwasfeelingclaustrophobicwiththeamountofpeople

thereandhesawthat.Hewasonlytryingtohelp.That’sit.”

Suddenlyneedingsomespacetobreathe,Ipullthesheetswithmebeforecollectingmysmallpileof

clothing.Eventhoughhehasn’tcomerightoutandaccusedmeofanything,that’sthewayitfeels.

“Cassidy,comebackhere.”

Justashisstrongfingerswraptightlyaroundmyupperarm,Ijerkquicklyoutofhisgrasp.

“Don’t!”Withoutthinking,Isnapthewordoutbeforespinningawayfromhim.Idon’tlikebeing

grabbed.EventhoughIknowColewouldneverhurtme,itstillmakesmyheartleapandmychesttighten.

Lookingdefeated,hestaresatmefromthebedasIyankthetanktopovermyheadbeforestepping

intomyshortsandslidingthemovermyhips.

“Cassidy…I’msorry.”Histoneislow,almostpleading,“please.Don’tgetupset.Itjustfeelslike

he’swaitingformetofuckup.”

“It’snotlikethat,”Isaywithexasperation.

Withmybacktohim,Ifindarubberbandbeforegatheringmyhairupintoaponytail.Ineedthis

momenttocalmeverythingthatisragingwithinme.Squeezingmyeyestightlytogether,Itakeyetanother

deepbreathtryingtosettlethechaosinmyhead.

Therearetimeswhenitfeelsasifeverythingwillbeokay.Whenthedaysslipbywithnoincidents

atallandIhopeandpraythatI’veexperiencedmylastanxietyattack.

Butthensomethinghappens.

Andthefeelingofbeingoutofcontrolyankstherugrightoutfromundermyfeetbringingeverything,

alloftheprogressI’vesteadilybeenfightingfor,crashingdownuponmyhead.

AndIhavetowonderifI’lleverbemeagain.

Themewhodidn’tsufferfromanxietyattacks.

Themewhodidn’tthinkaboutbeinggrabbedormanhandledbysomeone.

Themewhowasn’tbotheredbyhugecrowdsofpeople.

Thatme…thenormalone.

Sometimesitfeelslikethatgirldiedanuglydeathlastyearforbeingyoungandstupidandmaking

mistakes.Drinkingandgettingherselfintoabadsituation…oneshealmostdidn’tcomeoutofunscathed.

AlthoughIdidn’texactlycomeoutofitunscathed,Iremindmyself.Butitwouldhavebeensomuch

worseifLukehadn’tsteppedinwhenhedid.

Thisme…theonethatemergedfromthewreckage…she’smoretentative.Scared.Nervous.

Reserved.

SometimesIdon’tthinkshe’severgoingtogetbetter.I’vehadtenmonthsoftherapyandwheream

I?HaveIbeenmiraculouslycured?

Itmakesmewanttocurlupintoatightlittleballandcryforallthat’sbeenlost.AllIwantistofeel

normalagain.

Lostinthejumbledthoughtscrashingaroundinsidemyhead,Ialmostjumpoutofmyskinwhen

Cole’sarmsbandgentlyaroundme.Tenderlyhekissesmybareshoulderbeforewhispering,“I’msorry.

Ididn’tmeantostartleyou.”Helaysanothersweetkissagainstmyskin.“YouknowIwouldneverhurt

you.”

Inhalingmoreoxygen,Idoaquickself-check.Notighteninginmychest.Nofightingforbreath.I’m

okay.Everythingisokay.

“Youdidn’t,”IliebecauseIwantmorethananythingforthattobethetruth.

Hepressesyetanotherlingeringkissagainstthesideofmyneck.“IdidandI’msorry.”

IfI’mgoingtodothis,Ineedtodoitnow.Blowingoutabreath,Ifinallysay,“IsawyouwithJackie

tonight.Onthestairs.”Feelinghimstiffenbehindme,IturninhisarmssothatI’mabletoreadthe

expressioninhisgoldenbrowneyes.Colehasthemostamazinglyexpressiveeyes.Ilovethatabouthim.

“Oh.”

Justasmyeyesaresearchinghis,hisarecarefullysiftingthroughmineforanswerstoquestionshe

hasyettoask.Irealizewithasinkingheartthatwe’rebothkeepingsecrets.

“SheintroducedherselfwhenIwascomingbackfromthebathroom.”

Hiseyeslowerashequicklyshovesahandthroughhismessybrownhair.Theurgetotugallthose

thickchocolatycoloredstrandsintoplaceslamsthroughme.ButIdon’t.

Hiswordsarestrungtightlytogetherwhenhefinallyasks,“Didyoutwospeakforlong?”

“Tenminutesorso.”Butitwaslongenough.

“Whatdidshetellyou?”Angerbrimsinhisbeautifulgoldeneyes.

“Shesaidthatyoutwogrewuptogetherandwereclosefriendsbeforeyoustartedgoingoutinhigh

school.”Ipause,myeyeslockedonhis.“Andthatyoutwowereserious.Reallyserious.”

“Yes,”hewhispershoarselyasifhearingthewordsisactuallypainful.“Didshetellyouhowit

ended?”

Bitingdownonmylowerlip,Inodjustonce.“Shecheatedonyouand…endeduppregnant.”

IwatchasCole’seyescompletelyshutter.It’sthestrangestthing.Toseesomeonewhoisalwaysso

openandunguardedwiththeirexpressions,becomealmostdevoidofone.“There’snothingbetweenus,

Cassidy.Ihaven’tseenhersincebeforewebrokeup.Shemeansnothingtome.”

Myhandcomesuptosoftlystrokeoverhischeek.“Shewantsyouback,Cole.Didshetellyou

that?”

Shakinghishead,hishandreachesuptostillmyfingerssothatIamcuppingthesideofhisface.

“No.”

“Sherealizesthatshelostthebestthinginherlifeandshewantsitback.Shewantsyouback.”I

shakemyheadjustabit.“Ican’treallyblameherforthat.”

“Cassidy,”theclosedoffexpressiondissolvesbeforebeingreplacedbyafiercenessI’veneverseen

before,“Iloveyou.Onlyyou.She’snotgoingtocomebetweenus.”Thenhepullsmetowardshimuntil

we’reholdingontooneanotherfordearlifebeforehewhispersagainstmyhair,“AndIwon’tletLuke

comebetweenuseither.”

ChapterTwelve

Gulpingdownfreshnerves,Iask,“Isittoolatetocancel?”

Colesqueezesmyhandashisgorgeousgoldeneyesdarttomineacrossthecloseconfinesofhis

Mustang.There’sjustabitofhumorsparklingwithinthem.“Cassidy,youhavenothingtoworryabout.

They’regoingtoloveyou.”Hegivesmeanotherlittlesqueezeasifthataloneisenoughtoreassureme.

It’snot.“Promise.”

Nibblingmylowerlip,Ican’tresistasking,“Andwhatiftheydon’t?”

Becauseatthemoment,allIcanimagineishismomandstepdadhatingme.Jackie’swordsabout

havinglunchwithCole’smothersnaketheirwaythroughmyheadbeforenestinginaplacewhereIcan’t

dislodgethem.She’sprobablyhopingthatColewillgetbacktogetherwithhishighschoolgirlfriend.I

can’thelpbutwonderifJackieandhismotherarestillclose.

Unawareofthedarkthoughtsscamperingthroughmyhead,Colerepliesratherseriously,“ThenI’ll

probablyendupdumpingyou.”

Shocked,mywideeyesswingbacktohisbeforeIrealizethathe’sjoking.Hechucklesasoureyes

collide.“Thatsoundsaboutright,”Ifinallymutter.

“YouknowI’mkidding,right?”HeshakeshisheadasifI’mmakingabigdealoutofnothing.But

I’venevermetaguy’sparentsbefore.ThisisanewandI’lladmitit-scarysituationtobein.Addinthe

ex-girlfriendwhohisfamilyprobablyadoresanddisasterfeelsallbutimminent.

Oneofmydarkbrowswingsup.“Areyou?”Iaskthiswithjustadropofacidseepingintomy

tone.Ihatethatallmyinsecuritieshaveamassivecaseofbitchinessflaringupwithinme.

“OfcourseIam.Ilikeyouwaytoomuchtocutyoulooseatthispoint.”Histwinklingeyesslideto

mineonceagainbeforehewinks.“You’remine,CassidyJameson.AndIwon’tbelettingyougoanytime

soon.”Heflashesthosedamnabledimplesatmebecausehe’scaughtontothefactthattheycompletely

meltmyheart.

“You’reonlysayingthatbecauseyou’readdictedtothesex.”Ofcourse,whowouldn’tbe?Sexwith

Coleis-

“Hellyeah,”hecutsintomythoughtswithalowrumble,“it’sdamngoodsex.Totallyhot.”

Ican’tresistpunchinghiminthebicep.Butnotveryhardbecausehe’sright.SexwithColeis

scorchinghot.AndIwouldmuchratherbeinbedwithhimthanmeetinghisparentsforthefirsttime.

“Hey,I’mdrivingoverhere.”Thenhedragsmyhandbackontohislapwherehefirmlyholdsonto

it.“Everythingwillbefine.Mymomhasbeendyingtomeetyouforweeksnow.AndifIdon’tbring

youhomesoon,she’llrandomlypopoveronaweekendmorning.”Hearchesabrowinmydirection.

“Doesthatreallysoundlikeagoodideatoyou?”

SinceI’vebeenspendingtheweekendscrashingatCole’splace,itsureashelldoesn’tsoundlikea

goodidea.

“No,”Ifinallymutter,“Iguessthisisbetter.”ButI’mstillnervous.AndevenifColedoesn’trealize

it,Jackiefeelslikeaspectersittingbetweenus.

Unawareofmythoughts,hebringsmyhandtohislipsbeforebrushingasoftkissagainstmy

knuckles.“Definitelybetter.Plus,mymom’sagreatcook.So,nomatterhowtheafternoonturnsout,at

leastyou’llgetanawesomehomecookedmealoutofit.”

Thatdoesn’treallymakemefeelanybetter.“Supercomforting.Thanksforthat.”

“I’mjustteasing.You’llsee,everythingwillbefine.”Hiseyesflicktomineforamomentbeforehe

murmurs,“Ipromise.”

Butmybrainisalreadyspinningwithallthewaysthisafternooncouldgodowninaburstofflames.

Andtherearesomanyways…FinallyImumble,“Maybeweneedtohavesomesortofcodewordin

caseIwanttoleaveearly.”

Eyebrowslifting,herepeatswithagrin,“Seriously?Acodeword?Whatarewe,liketwelve?”He

shakeshisheadasifI’mcrazy.

WhichI’mnot…

Well,Idon’tthinkIam…

ButthemoreIturntheideaoverinmyhead,themoreIlikeit.Anditactuallymakesmefeelless

anxiousknowingthatIhaveanoutifIneedone.Kindoflikeanescapehatch.Yes,Iamdefinitelyliking

thisnewplanI’vecomeupwith.“Howabout…Guggenheim.”

Hebustsoutlaughing.“Guggenheim?Really?”

Ican’thelpbutfidgetnervouslywithmyjacket.“Well,itcan’tbesomethingcommonotherwiseit

couldgetconfusing.”Igivehimalookthatsays-duh.

“Right,”hedrawlsslowly,“That’stheproblemwithGuggenheim.Don’tyouthinkyou’re

overreactingjustalittlebit?”

Igivehimanotherlook.“Um,no.Notatall.”

Amomentlaterheholdsuphishandasifhe’ssurrendering.“Youknowwhat,Guggenheimitis.”

Surprisedthathe’sgivinginsoeasily,Iturntowardshim.“Really?”

“Yep.”HestretchesoutthewordsothatitsoundsmorelikeYeeeeep.“BecausethelastthingIneed

isforustohaveafightrightbeforewegettomyparent’shouse.Iftheafternoonsuddenlytakesaturnfor

theworst,you’lljusthavetofindawaytoworkGuggenheimintotheconversation.Forexample,you

couldsay-ColejustmademyGuggenheimfeelsupergood…or-wouldeitherofyouliketoseemy

Guggenheim?It’sfreakinggorgeous.”

Eventhoughhedoesn’tbotherglancinginmydirectionasheutterstheseridiculoussentences,Isee

theedgesofhismouthtwitchingupinamusement.“Okay?Doesthatworkforyou?”

Myeyesnarrowuntilthey’repracticallyslits.“Ihavetwoquestionsforyou.One-areyoureally

makingfunofmeatatimelikethis?”Thecloserwegettohishouse,themorejackedupmynerves

become.“Andtwo-”Itiltmyheadtothesidebeforeaskingratherseriously,“YouthinkmyGuggenheim

isfreakinggorgeous?”

Heburstsoutlaughingagainbeforehiseyesslidebacktomine.Butthechucklesdieawayasthose

goldencoloreddepthsofhisheatup.“Fuckinggorgeous.BestGuggenheimI’veeverseen.”

Theedgesofmylipsliftjustabit.

Wellalrightthen…

Hiswordsaredecidedlyhuskywhenhesays,“Andlateron,I’mgoingtoshowyoujusthowmuchI

loveyourGuggenheim.”

BeforeIcansayanythingmore,hezipsthecarintoadriveway.

“We’rehere.”

Notmakingamovetoexitthevehicle,ItakeamomenttostudythehouseColegrewupin.Itisn’tall

thatdifferentfrommyownchildhoodhome.Large,bricktwo-storywithhugewhitepillarsinfront.It’sa

bitfancier,withmaybealittlemoresquarefootage,butasidefromthat,thearchitecturalstyleisvery

similar.

ForjustamomentI’malmostabletoseeColeasanineortenyearoldboy,windingupandtaking

slapshotsinthedriveway.TheimagebringsjustahintofasmiletomylipsbecauseIbethewas

adorablewithhismopofunrulydarkhairandgoldenbrowneyes.

Solostinthought,I’mactuallysurprisedwhenheopensthepassengersidedoorandholdshishand

outformetotakeholdof.“It’llbefine,you’llsee.”Hesmiles,thosedimplesofhisflashingandeven

thoughI’mnervous,myheartmeltsatthemeresightofthem.GodbutIlovethosedimplesofhis.

Oh,whoamIkidding?

I’mcompletelyheadoverheelsinlovewiththeguy.

Dimplesornodimples.

WhichispreciselywhyIagreedtothis.IwanttoknowmoreaboutColeandhisfamily.Meeting

themtodayjustre-solidifiesthatwe’retakingthisrelationshiptothenextlevel.Thatwe’reseriousabout

oneanother.

Suckinginadeepbreath,IplacemyhandfirmlyinhisashehelpsmeoutoftheMustang.Iholda

smallbouquetofwildflowerswejustpickedupatagrocerystoreonthewayover.ItoldColethatI

couldn’tshowupemptyhanded.Notunderstandingmyneedtobringsomething,hepromptlyrolledhis

eyesbutstoppednonetheless.RatheranxiouslyIstandbehindColeashethrowsopenthefrontdoor.

“Hello?”Hecallsoutassoonaswestepinside.

Thehouseisoddlysilentandeventhoughit’sidioticonmypart,Isendupaquickprayerthatmaybe

hisparentshaveforgottenaboutusgettingtogetherthisafternoonandaren’taround.Foolish,Iknow.Just

asmyhopesarerising,theyquicklyburstintoabigballofflameswhenwehearsomeoneslowlytrudging

upthebasementsteps.

“Cole?”It’saman’svoice.“Isthatyou?”

“Yep,wejustgothere,”hehollersbackaswecontinuewaitinginthefoyer.Unabletohelpmyself,

myeyesquicklyslidearoundtheentrywayandthelivingroomwhichistotherightofus.Allofthe

furnishingsareelegantandpolishedtoahighshine.Butthere’sawarm,comfortablequalitythatmakes

itfeellikehome.

IcantotallypictureColekickinguphisfeetandwatchingTVonthecouch…ormakingoutwithhis

ex-girlfriend…

Iripmyeyesawayfromthatmentalimageasanoldermanwholookstobeaboutfiftyorsowalks

intothefoyer,hishandimmediatelystretchesouttowardsme.Aheartfeltsmilecurveshislipsupward

anditinstantlyeasesmyfrazzlednerves.

“Hi,youmustbeCassidy.It’snicetomeetyou.We’resopleasedyouwereabletojoinusfor

dinnertoday.”Hepumpsmyhandsoenthusiastically,sohappily,thatI’munabletostopthesmallsmile

fromcreepingitswayacrossmyface.ThenheturnshisattentionstoColeandI’mabletowatchashis

stepdadclapshimwarmlyontheback.

Cole’seyesdartaroundbeforesettlingonceagainonhisstepfather.“Where’smom?”Browsdrawn

together,heasks,“Sheisn’there?”

Lookingslightlyexasperated,Thomasrunsahandquicklythroughhisthinninggrayhair.“Shegot

calledintoworkaboutthirtyminutesago.Butyouknowyourmother,shehadeverythingpreparedahead

oftimeorwe’dbeorderingapizza.Everythingshouldbereadyinaboutanhourorso.AndIimagine

she’llbebackbythenaswell.”Hewavesusintothelivingroom.“Comeandsitdown.CanIgeteither

ofyousomethingtodrink?”

Coletakestheflowersfrommyhand.“Sitdown,Thomas.I’llputtheseinavaseandgrabusa

coupleofwaters.”

Hisstepdadsmilesafterhimandwhenhe’scertainthatColeisinthekitchenriflingaroundinthe

refrigerator,Thomasleanstowardsmewithamischievousgrincurvinghislipsupwardasifwe’vebeen

friendsforyears.Andoddlyenough,that’sexactlythewayitfeels.“Sodidyoutwocomeupwithsome

kindofsignalifthiswholedinner-thinglookslikeitsheadingsouth?”

Everything,includingmyheart,stops.I’mprettysuremymouthhasfallenopenaswell.“Um,no.”

Myfacefeelslikeit’sburningup.

Howcouldhehavepossiblyguessedthat?

No…seriously.

ThenwehearColeyellfromthekitchen,“Guggenheim.”

Unabletobrazenthisoneout,Iburymyfaceinmyhandsfeelingtotallyembarrassedthathejust

outedmewithinfiveminutesofmeetinghisstepdad.

I’mgoingtokillhim.

ThomaschuckleswithunabashedgleeasColefinallyreturnstothelivingroomsportingawidegrin.

Thefactthatthoseadorabledimplesofhishavebeensetlooseisprobablywhatsaveshimfrombeinga

crimescenevictimlateronthisevening.

Givinghimtheevileye,Imutterundermybreath,“Ihopeyouenjoythedinneryourmommade

becauseit’sgoingtobeyourlast.”

Hischestrumbleswithbarelysuppressedlaughterasheoffersmeabottleofwater.AsIyankit

fromhishand,heleansover,pressingasoftkissagainstmylips.Ifeelthecurveofhissmilingmouth

againstmineashewhispers,“Don’tbemad,I’llmakeituptoyoulater.”

Thenheactuallywinksatme.

Infrontofhisstepdad.

CouldIbemoreembarrassed?

Idon’tthinkso.

“Youwon’tbeabletomakeanythinguptomelaterbecauseyou’llbedead.”Igrumblethewordsall

thewhiletryingtopushhisbigbodyawayfromme.ApparentlymydeathglarehaszeroeffectonCole

becauseheplunkshimselfdownpracticallyontopofmebeforegrabbingmyhandanddraggingitontohis

lapasifforsafekeeping.Hisstepdadcontinuesbeamingatus.

IttakesabouttwentyminutesorsobeforeIfinallyloosenupandstarttoenjoymyself.Andnooneis

moresurprisedthanmewhenthenexthourfliesbywithlotsofamusingstoriesaboutColegrowingup.

It’sreallynicetoseeColewithhisstepdadbecauseyoucantellhowmuchtheyenjoyeachother’s

company.

Butthenagain,Coleisjustsoeasytogetalongwith.Hehassuchachill,laidbackpersonality.On

topofthat-he’sareallyniceguy.Andinmylimitedexperience,therearen’ttoomanyofthosefloating

around.

AsColeandThomasdiscusstheupcominghockeyseason,Ican’thelpbutslowlytakeineverything

abouthim.Hisdisheveleddarkbrownhair,hisamazinggoldenbrowneyes,thoseadorabledimplesthat

turnmyinsidestomush,thatbeautifullopsidedsmile,hisbigbroadshoulderssochiseledfrombench

pressingandachestthatIliterallywanttolick.Andlet’snotforgetaboutthosegorgeousrockhardabs

ofhis...

Totallydreamy.

IshouldprobablystopwiththementalinventorybecauseI’mkindofgettingturnedonoverhere.

Whichis…inappropriate.

Hisexmaywanthimback,butsheisn’tgoingtogethim.Shewasfoolishenoughtobreakhisheart.

Iwon’tbemakingthesamemistake.IknowexactlywhatIhaveinColeandIplanonholdingontohim

foraslongasIcan.

Whendinnerisfinallyready,Thomashandsusthedishesalongwithfoursetsofsilverwaresothat

wecansetthediningroomtable.We’realljustsettlingin,passingthedelicioussmellingfoodtoone

another,whenthefrontdooropensandsuddenlyalloftheeasycamaraderieofmomentsagodisappears.

“Hello,”awomancallsoutcheerfully.MywideeyesflytoCole.Everythinghasbeengoingsowell

withThomas,I’malmostafraidtomeethismother.She’stheoneIneedtoimpress,right?Aren’t

motherssupposedtobeoverprotectiveandoverbearingwhenitcomestotheirsons?Especiallysince

thisisheronlyson…

Andlet’snotforgetthatshewasjustouttolunchwithCole’sex-girlfriend.

FreshnervesignitewithinmeasallthefoodIjustheapedontomyplatelosesitsappeal.

“We’reinhere,dear.Justsittingdowntodinner.You’llbehappytoknowthatIhaven’trunCassidy

offjustyet.”Thomassmilesbeforewinkingatmefromthefarendofthediningroomtable.Igivehima

weaksmileinreturn.

“Wonderful!”Justasshestepsintotheformallyappointedroom,shepauses,almostasifshe’sinthe

midstofcatchingherbreath.There’sahugefriendlysmilegracingherfacewhichpromptlyfreezeswhen

hereyescollidewithmine.

Ohshit.

Shit,shit,shit.

That’stheonlythoughtracingthroughmyheadasmygazelocksonhers.Everythingintheroom

suddenlygrindstoascreechinghalt.Inthatmomentitfeelsasifthefloordisappearsfrombeneathmy

feetandI’msuddenlyinfreefall.IclenchthetableasIcontinuegapingather.

This…can’tbehappening.

There’saflurryofactivityasThomasstandsup,placingakissonhiswife’scheek.Colegetsupas

well,greetinghismotherwithabigwarmhug.ButallIcandoissitthere,myfeetcementedtothefloor.

Notsurehowtoreact,IblinkmyeyesasColedragshismotherovertowhereI’mstillsitting.With

shakinglegs,Iforcemyselftostand.Itfeelsasifmykneesmightgiveoutatanymoment.

Thisisanightmare.

ExceptIknowit’sreal.BecauseI’mpinchingthehelloutofmyselfanditreallyhurts.

Unawareoftheswirlingundercurrentsnowchokingalloftheairintheroom,Coleintroducesus.

“Mom,thisisCassidy.”Hesmilesthatlopsidedlittlesmileofhisatme.Butmyheartistoofrozento

meltasthesightofhisdimples.“Cassidy,thisismymother,Allison.”

Dr.Thompson’slipscurveupbeforeshequicklythrustsoutherhand.“HiCassidy,it’swonderfulto

finallymeetyou.I’msogladyouwereabletojoinusfordinnertoday.”Sheholdsmyeyesexpectantly

allthewhilewaitingformetorespond.

ButI’mtoostunned.Ifeelstrangelyparalyzed.

SlowlyIreleasethebreathI’vebeenholdingbeforeforcingmyselftoreachforherhand.Fromvery

faraway,Ihearmyselfspeakasifthereisabsolutelynothingoddaboutwhatisnowplayingout.“Thank

youforhavingme,it’sgreattomeetyou,too.”

MymindiswhirlingandIcan’t…make…it…stop.

Afterintroductionsaremade,weallsitbackdown.Thomaspeppershiswifewithafewquestions

abouttheemergencythatcalledherawayonaSundayafternoon.Colekeepsglancingatmewithconcern

lightinghisgoldenwhiskeycoloredeyesbutIpretendnottonoticeasIpickatthebakedchickenand

roastedvegetablesonmyplate.

UnconsciouslymyeyeskeepslidingtoDr.Thompson.Everyonceinawhileourgazescatchbefore

Iquicklylowermyeyesbacktotheplateinfrontofme.Mybellypitchesandroilswithnerves.Ithink

they’refranticallysearchingforawayout.

Ihopetheydon’tfindit.

NowthatColeandhismotheraresittingnexttooneanother,I’mabletoseealittlebitofa

resemblancebutcertainlynotenoughtohaveeversuspectedtheyweremotherandson.WhereColehas

artfullymessydarkbrownhairandgoldenbrowneyes,hismotherhaschinlength,perfectlystyledblonde

hairanddeepbrowneyes.Andshe’ssmaller,morepetitewhereColeisatleastsixfoottwoandbroad

intheshoulders.

I’mgoingwiththeassumptionthatColegetshislooksfromhisfather.

IwanttolaughhollowlybecauseIguesswehavethatincommon.Inthelooksdepartment,I

resemblemyfatherbuthavemymother’ssmallerbuild.Wheremydadisstrapping-builtfordefense,

I’msmallerandsleeker-bettersuitedtoplayingforward.

Well,thathadalwaysbeentherunningjokeinmyfamily…

OnceagainColesnagsmydistractedattentionbeforegivingmeyetanotherreassuringsmile.Ireturn

itbutevenIrealizethatit’salameattempt.Heknowsmewellenoughbynowtounderstandthat

somethingisn’tright.

Andreally,whatamIsupposedtotellhim?

Thathismotherismyshrink.Thatsheknowsallmydirtylittlesecrets?

IactuallytoldCole’sownmotherthelasttimeIsawherthatIwassexuallyattractedtosomeone

otherthanherson.

Killmenow.

Justpullthefreakingtriggerandgetitoverwith.

Throughouttherestofthemeal,Ifidgetnervouslywaitingforhertooutme.

Ohgod…sheknowsI’vebeenhavingsexwithherson.BecauseItoldher.Iactuallytoldher!I

literallywanttobashmyforeheadintothethickcherryofthediningroomtableuntilIcompletelyknock

myselfout.Shealsoknowsthatwe’vebeenusingcondomsandthatI’mlookingtogoonthepill.

Freshwavesofnauseaswellwithinme.Unabletositstillforanothermoment,Ishootoutofmy

seat.Theconversationswirlingaroundmeabruptlycomestoahaltasthreesetsofstartledeyesfall

questioninglyuponme.Itrypullingmylipsintoathinanemiclookingsmile.“I,ah,needtousethe

bathroom.”

“It’sthroughthekitchenandtotheright,”ThomassaysasIquicklyflyoutoftheroom.Itakedeep

breathsbeforeforcingthemoutslowly.ThenIstarttolaugh.Manically.BecausehereIamusingDr.

Thompson’sbreathingtechniquesinherownfreakinghouse.It’sjust…toomuch.

Lockingthedoor,Isplashahandfulofcoldwaterontomyfacebeforesqueezingmyeyestightlyshut

allthewhilecontinuingtoinhaleandexhale.

Thisiscrazy.

AndwhenIsaycrazywhatIreallymeanistotallyfuckedup.

HowcanIpossiblycontinueseeingColewhenhismotherknowseveryuglydetailaboutmylife?

SheknowshowIfellapartunderthepressureandstrainduringmyfreshmanyear.Iswallowthicklyas

thenextthoughtpopsintomyhead.

HowIusedsexasanescape…

Guiltandshamewashovermeinthickhotsuffocatingwaves.There’snowayinhellI’lleverbe

goodenoughforCole.Andsheknowsit.I’mthegirlwhofailedoutofschool.Gotkickedoffthe

hockeyteam.Threwawayallherhopesanddreams-everythingshe’dspentherentirelifeworking

towards.Whothenusedalcoholandsexasawayofcoping.Whoseownfamilydidn’twanttodealwith

her,sotheyshippedheroff.

Whowouldwanttheirsondatingsomeonelikethat?

Ummm,noone.That’swho.

ColeisprobablythemosttogetherpersonI’veevermetinmylife.Heknowsexactlywhoheisand

whatdirectionhe’smovingin.HedeservesagirlwhoalreadyhashershittogetherandmaybeI’m

gettingthere,butI’mnotthereyet.

Ihonestlydon’tknowhowI’mgoingtogatherenoughcouragetogobackoutthereandfaceher

again.Afterafewmoreminutesthere’salightknockonthebathroomdoorthathasmefreezinglikea

deerinheadlights.

Pleasedon’tletitbeher…

Pleasedon’tletitbeher…

“Cassidy?Areyoualright?”

Thebreathwhooshesrightoutofme.MyshoulderscollapseasIhangontothesidesofthesink.

Cole.

Thankgod.

Clearingmythroat,Imurmur,“Umm,yeah.Sorryfortakingsolong.I’m-I’mreallynotfeelingvery

well.”Whichisactuallythetruth.

Justnotthewholetruth.

“Guggenheim?”Herepliessoftlyfromtheotherside.

Ican’thelpthethinsmilethattugsatthecornersofmylipsbeforesqueezingmyeyestightlyshut

again.“No,no.Notatall.”Lie.Bighugelie.“My,um,stomachiskindofupset.Ihatetoaskyouthis,

butwouldyoumindtakingmebacktothedorms?”

IhavetogetoutofherebeforeItotallyfreakoutbecause,unfortunately,Icanfeelitcomingon.The

anxietyisbuilding,swirlingitswaythroughme.Theperfecttoppertothisafternoonwouldbeafullon

anxietyattack.

Thanks,butIthinkI’llpassonthatspectacle.

“Yeah,noproblem.”Eventhoughhedoesn’tsayanythingmore,Ihearthedisappointmentthreading

itswaythroughhiswords.WhichmakesmefeelevenworsethanIalreadydo.BecauseIknowhow

closeColeandhismomare.Afterhisdaddied,alltheyhadwaseachother.Hewasreallylooking

forwardtointroducingmetoher.

Takingonelastdeepbreath,Ifinallyopenthedoor.Coleisstandingontheotherside.Hishandsare

jammedintothepocketsofhiskhakisashiseyesfastenontomine.

“I’msosorryaboutthis,”Iwhisperagain.I’dbeensowoundupaboutmeetinghisfamily.Ihadjust

wantedthemtolikeme.Andnow…

Well,thatcertainlywasn’tgoingtohappen.Iknowit,evenifhedoesn’t.

Hislipsliftbutthesmiledoesn’tquitereachhiseyes.“Don’tworryaboutit.I’mjustsorryyou

don’tfeelwell.”

“Metoo,”Isayhonestly.

Hesearchesthroughalltheliesswimmingaroundwithinmyeyesbeforegentlywrappingonearm

aroundmyshouldersandtuggingmeclose.Thenhewhisperssoftlyagainstmyhair,“Theylikeyou,

Cassidy.JustlikeIknewtheywould.Noworries,okay?”

ThesnortalmostescapesbeforeI’mabletoreinitbackinbecauseIdon’tbelievehimforonesingle

second.ThereisabsolutelynowayinhellthatDr.Thompsonwantsmeanywherenearherson.

Walkingbackintothediningroom,IhoistmysmileasColequicklymakesapologiesforus.

“Cassidyisn’tfeelingwell,sowe’regoingtotakeoff.”

Lookingconcerned,Dr.Thompson’seyesimmediatelyfastenontomineassheswiftlyrisesfromher

chair.“Oh,I’msorrytohearthat.Letmepacksomethingupforyourroommatesandthenyoutwocanbe

onyourway.”Cole’smomquicklybeginsclearingthedishesfromthediningroomtable.

“Thanksmom,they’llappreciateit.”Eventhoughhe’sspeakingtohismom,hiseyeskeepflittingto

mineasifhe’stryingtofigureoutwhat’sreallygoingon.I’mprettysureheknowsI’mlyingthroughmy

teeth.

WithinfiveminuteshismotherishandingColealargepapergrocerybagoverflowingwithfood.

ThenhereyesdriftbacktomineandshesmileswarmlyjustlikeshealwaysdoeswhenI’minheroffice.

“Itwasarealpleasuretomeetyou,Cassidy.Ihopeweseeyousoon.”

AgainIwanttosnort,butdon’t.

InsteadIgiveherasmallpolitesmileinreturnknowingthatwithinafewmoments,thisnightmare

willfinallybeover.“Thankyousomuchforhavingme.Itwaswonderfultomeetbothofyou.”

Itakeagreatbiggulpofairassoonaswe’refreeofthehousebeforeslidingintothefrontseatas

ColeloadsthefoodintothebackofhisMustang.Withshakingfingers,Ifastenmyseatbelt.

Aswedrivesilentlybacktowardscampus,Istareglumlyoutthewindow.Ihadthoughteverything

wasamesswhenColehadn’tknownthetruthaboutmypast.IthadtakenawhilebutI’dfinallyworked

upthecouragetocomecleanandnow,moreissueshavesuddenlysproutedupbetweenus.

Asmymindsomersaults,IrealizethatColeisn’tawarethatI’vebeenmeetingregularlywitha

counselorhereatschool.HeknowsIwasintherapybeforeIcametoWesternbutIguessInever

mentionedthatIwasstillseeingsomeone.Well,thereisnowayinhellI’mevergoingbacktoDr.

Thompsonnow.

Breakingintothethoughtsthatarecirclingviciouslythroughmyhead,Colereachesout,grabbingmy

fingersbeforeslowlyplacingakissonthebackofmyhand.“Areyouokay?Doyoustillwantmeto

dropyouoffatthedorms?”

Igetthefeelingthathe’shopingI’vechangedmymind.

ButIhaven’t.

It’sonthetipofmytonguetotellhimthatIneedsometimetomyself,tothinkaboutwhatI’mgoingto

do,butIstopmyselfjustasthewordsarepoisedtospilloutofmymouth.FinallyIwhisper,“Ijustneed

toliedownforawhile.”Ipausebeforeaddingsoftly,“I’mreallysorryaboutruiningdinner.”

Glancingover,hiseyescatchminebeforehegivesmeasmallsmile.Ican’thelpbutnoticethatit’s

strainedaroundtheedgesasifhealreadysuspectsthatI’mkeepingsomethingfromhim.

“Don’tworryaboutit.They’llbeplentymore.”

Yeah…Idon’treallyseethathappeninganytimesoon…orlikeever.ButIdon’tsayit.

HowcanI?

ThenIwouldhavetoexplainthathismotherandIarealreadywellacquainted.Andhavebeensince

mid-August.No,I’mdefinitelynotreadytospillthatsecret.Insteadofanswering,Iturnaway,staring

glumlyoutthewindowfortherestofthedrive.

ChapterThirteen

Pausing,mybreathcatchesanxiouslyatthebackofmythroat.SilentlyIwatchasmydadstares

downatthephoneinhishand.Hemustbetextingoremailingorsomething.EventhoughI’mearly,he’s

earlier.He’salreadybeenseatedatatable.

I’vebeenanervouswreckallday.Thisisthefirsttimesincefailingoutofschoollastyearthatmy

dadandIarefinallysittingdowntotalk.AndIfailedoutlastDecember.It’snowNovember.That’s

elevenmonthsofnothingness.

ApparentlywhenIfailedout,Inotonlydestroyedmyownaspirationsanddreams,butmydad’sas

well.HealwayswantedmetoplaydivisionIhockeyatabigEastCoastschool.Ihadbeenpoisedto

makebothofourdreamscometrueuntilthepressure,stress,andrigorousnessofmycourseloadcoupled

withtheintenselevelofplayhadjustbeentoomuchformetohandle.AndI’dcracked.

Morelikeshattered.

Ihadn’tknownhowtodealwithallthechallengesIwassuddenlyfacedwith.Insteadofseekingout

helpfrommyadvisororcoach,Ihadturnedtoalcoholinstead,gettingtotallywasted,partying,andthen

hookingupwithrandomdudes.

Totalrecipefordisaster,bytheway.

TheonlytimesI’dspokenwithmyfatherwaswhenColeandIhadtriedsneakingintothehouseto

grabmyoldhockeygear.He’dunfortunatelycomehomeandfoundusinthebasement.Forobvious

reasons,thatconversationhadn’tendedwell.ThatmemorystillhasthepowertomakemewincewhenI

thinkabouttheuglywordshehadhurtledatme.

Andthen,unbeknownsttome,ColehadreachedouttomydadwhenI’dmadetheWesternWomen’s

intramuralhockeyteamandinvitedhimtomyfirstscrimmage.That’swhenitseemedlikewemight

actuallybeabletobridgethegapseparatingus.

WhichisexactlywhyIwasheremeetingmydadfordinner.

“Miss?”

Interruptingmythoughts,thehostesssmilesasIshakeoffallthecobwebsofmypast.Iremind

myselftohoistmysmilebecauseeventhoughI’mnervousashell,I’mthankfulthatmydadreachedout

wantingtofinallysitdownandtalk.I’vereallymissedmyfamilyoverthepastyearandIwantthemback

inmylife.Nothingwilleverbethesamebetweenanyofusagain,butI’mhopingthatitcanbedifferent.

Better.

MydadhadruledmylifewhenIwasgrowingup.Settingschedulesforhockeypractice,extrawork

outs,andstudying.Eventhinkingabouthowhe’dstructuredmychildhoodhasmychesttighteningupwith

thicktendrilsofanxiety.Slowlybreathinginandout,Ipushawayallthoseoldpainfulmemories.

“Sorry,”Imurmur,“Leadtheway.”

Noticingmyarrival,mydadglancesupfromhisphone.Withatentativesmile,hequicklygetstohis

feetandforjustasliverofamomentwebothstareateachother.Suddenlythiswholethingfeels

awkward.Likeamistake.Andjustlikethat,allofmyhighexpectationsnosedive.ThelastthingIwant

istositthroughanhourofuncomfortableandstiltedconversation.

ThisreallysucksbecausemydadandIusedtobesoclose.

Butthenheunexpectedlyclosesthedistancebetweenusrightbeforehisarmswraparoundme,

pullingmeintoawarmhardyembrace.Ican’thelpbutburrowagainsthiswidechestashisarmstighten

aroundme.Westandembracinginthemiddleoftherestaurantforatleastaminute,maybeeventwo.

Anditfeelsgood.Sogoodthattearsactuallygatherinmyeyes.Whenwefinallybreakapart,thetension

whichhadjuststartedtocracklearoundusdissolvesasifithadneverexisted.

Oncewe’rebothseated,hiseyeslatchontomine.“Youlookgood,Cassidy,”hesaysbeforeadding

approvingly,“healthy.”

Thecornersofmylipstipupatthecompliment.“Thankyou.Ifeelgood.I’vebeenrunningthree

timesaweekandI’mpracticingwiththeteamacoupletimesaweekaswell.SometimesColeandI

skateinthemorningsbeforeschool.”

Thatbeingsaid,there’snowayI’lleverbeassleekandmuscularasIwasinhighschool.I’d

adheredtoastrictdietandworkoutscheduletomaintainpeakphysicalcondition.Ihavenodesireto

everlivesucharegimentedorrestrictivelifestyleagain.

AfterI’dfailedoutofschoollastyear,I’dstoppedworkingoutcompletely.Ihadn’twantedtogo

anywherenearanicerink.ButallthatchangedwhenImetCole.Heintroducedmetohiscousin,

Sammy,thecaptainoftheWesternWolveswomen’steamandIwasabletojoinevenaftertheseason

started.

It’sColeIhavetothankforpushingmetoskatewiththeteamandgivingmebacksomethingItruly

love.AndIhavehimtothankforreachingouttomydad,invitinghimtowatchmeplayinmyfirst

scrimmage.Withouthimdoingthat,mydadandIwouldn’tbesittingdowntonight,tryingtoworkonour

relationship.

Itdoesn’tescapemejusthowwonderfulColeis.

AndhowluckyIamtohavehiminmylife.

WhichmakeswhathappenedonSundaysodifficulttodealwith.Evenafterthinkingaboutitforthe

pastfewdays,Istillfeelconflicted.

DoItellhim?

Imean,ifIwanttohavearelationshipwithCole,thenIhavetotellhimabouthismotherbeingmy

therapist.Therereallyisn’tachoiceinthematter.ForallIknow,she’salreadytoldhim.Everytimehe

callsortexts,Iactuallycringe.It’stheworstfeeling.

Mydadnodshishead,hiseyesholdingmine.“I’mgladyou’reskatingagain.”

ThewaitressbringsusbothglassesofwaterandItakeahugegulpbeforeanswering.Justbecause

I’mhappytobehereandbridgingthegapthatseparatesusdoesn’tmeanit’seasy.Hockeyfeelslikea

minefieldbetweenusrightnow.

We’dbondedoverhockeywhileIwasgrowingup.Ithadalwaysbeenourthing.Mytwoyounger

sistersdanced,theydidn’twantanythingtodowithskating.Mydadhadalwaysbeenintohockey.I’m

surehehadsecretlyhopedforaboybutgotstuckwiththreegirlsinstead.Beforecollege,he’dplayed

juniorsuntilaninjuryendedhiscareerwhenhewastwenty.Thenhe’dplayedinbeerleaguesand

coachedmeupuntilI’dmadeagirlstripleAtravelteamwhenIwaseleven.

SoIknowgettingkickedofftheteamlastyearhaddevastatedhim.Itwasanabruptendtoeverything

wehadspentyearsandyearsworkingtowards.

Droppingmyeyes,IstareatthemenubeforerealizingjusthowtightlyI’mgrippingit.Onebyone,I

prymyfingersloose.Consciouslyrelaxingmybodybeforeanswering.“Iamtoo,butIhadneededto

takeabreakfromit.”

Thatcommenthastheconversationstallingaswestudyourmenusinsilence.Thewaitressreturns

andwebothorderburgers.Inasmallway,beingouttoeatwithmydadfeelsnormal.Whenwe

travelledforgamesandtournaments,itwasalwaysjustthetwoofus.We’dgoouttoeat,sleepinhotels,

takeinsomeofthelocalsightsandsometimes,ifwewerelucky,catchaclassiccarshow.Ilovedwhen

wecouldspendafewhoursbetweentourneygamescheckingoutmusclecarsandoldroadsters.

Notonlydidmydadgivemealoveforhockeybutanappreciationformusclecarsaswell.

ItmakesperfectsensethatmydadandIhadendedupbeingclose.Wespentalotoftimetogether.

Justlikeitmakesperfectsensethatithurtlikehellwhenheturnedhisbackonme.Ittakesamomentfor

metorealizethatI’mnotquitereadytoforgivehimforthat.Justlikeeverythingelseinlife,it’sgoingto

taketime.

Myeyesliftandforjustamomentourgazescatch.Hiseyesareadeepoceanblue,justlikemine.

Webothshareaheadfulofinkyblackhairaswell.Althoughhisnowhasmoresilvershootingthroughit.

Therearemorecrinklylinesbracketinghiseyesanddeepergroovesmarringhisforehead.Itmakesme

wonderiflastyearwasashardonhimasitwasonme.

BeforeIrealizeit,theemotion-filledwordsareslippingfrommymouth.“I’msorry,dad.Sorryfor

screwingeverythingup.”

I’vespentmyentirelifetryingtopleasethisman.Evennow,IrealizethatIjustwanthimtobe

proudofme.IwonderifI’llevergettoapointinmylifewherehisapprovaldoesn’tmatter.Imightbe

angrywithhimforhowhereactedwhenIfailedoutbutIstill,deepdown,wanthimtobeproudofme.

Sometimesitfeelslikealosingbattle.

Theguardedexpressionhe’swearinginstantlycrumblesasheinhalesaquick,deepbreathofair

beforesayinginarushofwords,“Iknowyouare.Andforwhatit’sworth,I’msorryforhowIhandled

thesituation.”Heshrugshisbroadshouldersbeforeglancingawayashecontinues,“MaybeIpushedyou

toohard.MaybeIpushedyouintoplayinghockeywhenyoudidn’twantto.Ijustdon’tknow

anymore…”

Thebaresthintofasmiletiltstheedgesofhislipsup.“IusedtothinkIhadalltheanswers,nowI

realizethatIdon’thaveanyofthem.Raisingchildrenisahumblingexperience,Cassidy.”

AthicksheenoftearsfillsmyeyesasIshakemyhead.“No,dad,Iwantedtoplay.Ilovedplaying

hockey.”AndIhad.I’dlovedbeingoutontheice.I’dalwaysfeltathomeinafreezingcoldrink.Istill

do.Somanyofmychildhoodmemoriesarecenteredaroundtheice.Hardfoughtwins.Crushing

defeats.Timespentwithmydad.

Iwouldn’ttradeanyofthosememories.Theymeantoomuchtome.

Myexperiencegrowingupwasn’taperfectonebutit’smine.Andit’swhatmademewhoIam

today.Andmaybethatpersonisn’tsobad.

Mydad’seyesarrowtominefromacrossthesmalltablethatseparatesus.“SometimesIthinkI

wanteditforyoumorethanyouwanteditforyourself.”

ThistimeI’mtheoneinhalingadeepbreath,tryingtosteadyalltheragingemotionsroilingthrough

me.Ihadn’texpectedtobedelvingheadfirstintothisconversationbeforeourfoodwasevenserved.

Partofmewonderedifwewerejustgoingtosweepeverythingneatlyundertherugandpretendthat

lastyeardidn’thappen.I’mkindofshockedthatmyfatheristalkingaboutallthissoopenlyandeasily.

Well,maybenoteasilybecauseIcanseethatit’sjustaspainfulandtenderforhimasitisforme.

Butyouknowwhat?

We’redoingit.

We’regettingthroughit.

IsuddenlyrealizethatifIwantourrelationshiptobebetter,Ineedtobehonestwithhim.Ican’tjust

tellhimwhathewantstohear.That’snotgoingtohelpthesituation.Ifthispastyearoftherapyhas

taughtmeanything,it’sthatyouneedtobeopenandhonestaboutwhatyou’refeelingandnotjustgloss

overitbecauseit’stheeasiestthingtodo.

Soit’sgentlythatIsay,“IthinkIstartedplayinghockeybecauseyouloveditsomuchandIreally

enjoyedwhenwespenttimetogether…justthetwoofus.”

Lookingagitated,herunsahandthroughhishair.“Soyouplayedalltheseyearsbecauseofme?”

“No,IplayedbecauseIfellinlovewiththegamebutIalsolikedthatitwassomethingwehadin

common.Ilikedwhenwewereoffonourown.”Yearsandyearsoftournamentweekendsrollthrough

myhead.Themusclecarshowswewereabletodropinon.Spendingtimeoutontheicewithhim.

HavinghimcoachmewhenIwasyounger.Mydadwasalwaystoughbutfair.Andhepushedmetobe

mybest.Togiveonehundredpercent.Toleaveitalloutontheice.AgainithitsmethatIwouldn’tbe

thepersonIamtodaywithoutmydadpushingmetoexcel.

Maybehedidpushtoohard.HeexpectedexcellenceandIgaveittohimuntilIleftforcollege.

Then,unabletoholdittogetheranymore,Icrackedunderthepressureandfellapart.Intheend,allmy

dadhadwantedwasthebestforme.AndIhadwantedthebestformyselfaswell.Iguessneitheroneof

usrealizedthatfunnelingeveryounceofenergyintohockeywasn’tthewaytoachieveit.

Hisvoicepuncturesmymemories.“ButIpushedyoutoohardwithallthedrylandpracticesand

privateskatinglessons.”Hiseyescontinuesearchingmine.

Thequestionhasmyshouldersslumpingbecausethereisreallynootherwaytoanswerhisquestion

buttruthfully.ItakeanotherdeepbreathasItrywordingmyresponsejustright.Iwanthimtounderstand

howIfeel.

ButIdon’tneedtobashhimovertheheadwithit.

“Ithinkmyliferevolvedaroundhockeytotheexclusionofeverythingelse.”Whenhisfacial

expressiondoesn’tchange,Ipushonwiththerestofwhatneedstobesaid.“Ididn’trealizewhatIwas

givingupuntilitwastoolate.Iwishtherehadbeenmoreofabalanceinmylife.Friends,boyfriends,

parties.Asociallife.Otheractivities.SometimesitfeelslikeImissedoutonallthenormalstuffkids

dobecauseIwastoowrappedupwithhockey.”

WhenIfinallyrunoutofsteam,IrealizethatI’mholdingmybreath,waitingforhisreactionbuthe

endsupsurprisingmewhenheactuallyagreeswitheverythingI’vejustsaid.

“IwantedyoutosucceedwhereIhadfailed.Youweresogoodatsuchayoungage.Itwasobvious

thatyouhadsomuchtalentandpotential.”Shrugginghismassiveshoulders,hecontinues,“Iwantedyou

tohaveitall.Everyadvantage.Iguessitneveroccurredtomethatyouweremissingoutongrowingup

andI’msorryforthat.Sorryforpushingyousohard.”Hefallssilentforamomentbeforeaddingquietly,

“Andforwhatit’sworth-Ienjoyedspendingtimewithyou,too.”

JustasI’mabouttoopenmymouth,ourwaitressarriveswithourfood.ForahandfulofminutesallI

candoisstareattheburgerandfriesonmyplateashiswordschurnendlesslyinmyhead.

NeverinmywildestdreamshadIexpectedthatwecouldhavesuchacandidconversationaboutmy

upbringing.Butweare.Itfeelsgoodtotalkaboutit.Likewe’reairingoutthepast.

Webothdigintoourfood,eachofuslostinourownprivatethoughts.Mymindisflyingback

throughtheyears,lookingatallthethingsIcouldhavedonedifferently.Butifthathadhappened,I

wouldn’tbewhereIamrightnow.

AtWestern.

WithCole.

Becauseanyotherdecisiononmypartwouldhavealteredmypathinlife.

There’snothingIcansaytoarguethosewordsinmyhead.Inatwistedway,myfailurebroughtme

tohim.Andnomatterhowdifficultitwastogetthrough,Ican’tbringmyselftoregretit.IfIhadn’t

failedoutofDartmouth,IneverwouldhavedecidedtoattendWestern.

WhenI’mabouthalfwaythroughmyburger,Ifinallysay,“What’sdoneisdone.Nomatterhow

muchIwishIcouldgobackandmakedifferentchoices,Ican’t.IhavetolivewiththeonesI’vemade

andmoveonthebestIcan.Andthat’sexactlywhatI’vebeentryingtodo.”

Myeyesholdhisashepolishesoffbothhisburgerandfries.Dr.Thompson’swordsechoinmy

mindandIcan’thelpbutrepeatthem.“I’vetriedtolearnfromthemistakesImadelastyear.AndI’m

happytobeplayingontheintramuralhockeyteamrightnow.”It’squietlythatIadmit,“It’snicenot

havingthepressureofaD-Iprogramhangingovermyhead.Hockeyisfunagain.”

HenodsasifheunderstandsexactlywhatI’msaying.“Ijustwantyoutoknowthatyoudon’thaveto

playanymoreifyoudon’twantto.”Heshiftsuncomfortablybeforeadding.“Iloveyouforyou,not

becauseyouplayhockeylikeIdid.”

Thefirstgenuinesmileoftheeveningflitsitswayacrossmyface.“I’mplayingformerightnowand

I’menjoyingit.IlikethegirlsonmyteamandIloveplaying.Idon’twanttoquit.”

Thesmilethatliftshislipsmatchesmineinlightness.“Good.”Henodshisheadbeforeasking,

“You,ah,wouldn’tmindifIcatchafewmoregamesthisseason,wouldyou?”

IbeaminreturnbecauseI’vealwaysenjoyedhavingmydadinthestandscheeringmeon.“Iwould

reallylovethat.”

ChapterFourteen

Trudgingmywaydownthedormhall,I’mjustabouttoslidemykeyintothelockwhenIhear

shoutingcomingfromtheotherside.OnevoiceisdefinitelyBrooklyn’sandtheother…

Ileanjustalittlebitclosertryingtohearwhat’sgoingonbecausehonestly,I’mnotinthemoodto

stumbleintosomehugeassdrama.

Andspeakingofdrama…ifI’mnotmistaken-

Austinripsopenthedoorstartlingusbothintheprocess.Withascowlmarringhisnormally

handsomeface,hegruntssomethingthatcouldverypossiblybeaheyorhibeforestalkingangrilypast

me.IwatchhimretreatdownthehallwaybeforemywideeyesswingtoBrooklynwhoiswearinga

matchingscowl.

Kindoflikehisandhersmatchingsweaters…exceptscowls.

Tentativelysteppingintotheroom,Iask,“DoIevenwanttoknowwhatthatwasallabout?”

BecausemyguessisthatIdon’t.Hell,Ididn’tevenknowtheywereonspeakingterms.Brooklynhas

beenicingAustinoutforweeksnow.Ihadjustassumedeverythingwasstillstatusquointhat

department.

ButI’msensingfromthepissedoffexpressiononherfacethatI’mwrong.

Shrugginghershoulderstiredly,sheflopsontoherbedwithaloudgroan.Andthen,withoutany

preamblewhatsoever,shelaysitalloutthereintrueBrooklynfashion.“Wesortofslepttogether.”

I’mjustintheprocessofunbuttoningmyredwooljacketwhenshethrowsoutthatlittletidbitof

information.It’slikeafishinglureIcan’tresistswallowingwhole.Withmyfingersstillhoveringovera

largeblackbutton,myeyeswidenindisbelief.“Sortof?”Ishakemyhead.“You’rejoking,right?”

Insteadofmeetingmydisbelievinggaze,Brooklyncontinuesstaringupattheceilingasifit’sthe

mostinterestingthingintheworld.Whichit’snot.Okay,maybethat’snotaltogethertrue.Becauseshe

doeshaveahugeposterofapracticallynakedguytapedupthere.

“DoIreallylooklikeI’mkidding?WouldIjokeabouthavingsexwithAustin?”Thenshemutters

underherbreath,“Again.”

Peelingoffmyjacket,Ithrowithaphazardlyovermydeskchairbeforetakingaseatacrossfromher

onmybed.Iholdupahand.“Whoa,whoa,whoa.Backthistrainup.Whatdoyoumeanbyagain?”

Veryslowlysheturnsherheaduntilshe’sabletomeetmyincredulousgaze.“Allyouneedtoknow

isthateachandeverytimeoccurredduringmomentsofgreatweakness.”

“All?”I’mprettysureI’mgawkingrightnow.Which,frompreviousexperience,isn’tagoodlook

onme.

Herdarkblondebrowsdrawtogetherinirritation.“Wouldyoupleasestoplookingatmelikethat.

Forgod’ssake,Ihadsexwithsomeone.Ididn’tmurderafamilyoffourintheirsleep.”

Makingaconcertedefforttosmoothoutmyfacialfeatures,Iask,“Soexactlyhowmanymomentsof

weaknesshaveyouexperienced?”

SilentlyBrooklynstartstickingoffthenumberoftimesonherfingers.Whensheneedstostartusing

herotherhandtocount,Ithinkthatincredulouslooksneaksbackontomyfaceagain.

Shedoesn’tbotherbattinganeyelashinmydirectionbutsayswithenoughheattochastise,“It’sjust

sex,notsatanicdevilworshipping!”

“Um,yeah,butit’swithAustin!Youknow…theguywhowaspracticallystalkingyouafteryou

brokeupwithhim.I’mnotbentoutofshapethatyou’rehavingsex…it’sthatyou’rehavingsexwith

Austin.”ThenItrygentlingmytone.EventhoughIdon’tparticularlywanttothinkaboutDr.Thompson,I

trychannelingherforthisconversation.

Whatkindofthoughtprovokingquestionswouldshebeasking?

“So….ah,doyouthinkthat’sthebestidea?”

Brooklyngivesmeaveryexaggeratedeyeroll.“Ofcoursenot!Infact,it’sprobablyoneofthe

stupiderthingsI’veeverdone.”

OneofmybrowscocksupandIcan’thelpbutask,“Thenwhyareyoudoingit?”

Thissituationclearlyhasdisasterwrittenalloverit.Can’tsheseethat?Imean,Ijustwalkedinon

themshoutingatoneanother.

Shearchesawell-definedbrowbeforereplyingsomewhatacidly,“Rememberthoseconversations

wehadabouttheratherimpressivethingsthatguycandowithhistongue?”

Iwincenotwantinganothervisualtogoalongwithherwords.Ittookareallylongtimetomakeit

goawaythefirsttime.“Umm,yes…Ido.”

Shegivesmearatherpenetratinglook.“NeedIsaymore?”

Pullingaface,Iquicklyshakemyhead.“I’mbeggingyounotto.”

Herwholebodydeflatesbeforeshesaystiredly,“Forsomereason,thatguyismykryptonite.Iwish

heweren’t…butheis.”Againshejuststaresglumlyupatherhotguyposter.Whichisafirst.Heis,

afterall,sportingaratherimpressiveboner.It’slikeherveryownhappyplace.

AgainImakeaconcertedefforttogentlemytonebecauseit’sobviousthatshe’smiserableoverthe

situation.“Soundslikeamess,Brook.”

Inhalingadeepbreath,sheagreessoftly,“Youhavenoideajustwhataclusterfuckitis.”

UnfortunatelyI’mnostrangertotheconceptofaclusterfuck.I’mkindoflivingitrightnow.ButI

decidenottotellheraboutthatbecauseIdon’twanttoturnthefocusawayfromBrooklynandtheissues

she’sstrugglingwith.There’llbemorethanenoughtimeformetodumpallmycraponherlater.

TodayisforBrooklyn.

Andherbigpileofcrap.

“AreyouthinkingaboutgettingbacktogetherwithAustin?”Whyelsewouldshebehavingsexwith

him…tonguethingexcluded,ofcourse.Imean,therehavetobeotherreasonsshekeepshookingupwith

him.

AtleastIhopethereare.

Finallyshesaysonalongsigh,“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodideaforustobetogether.”Withhereyes

stillfocusedontheposter,shesaysabitmorequietly,“Idon’twanttofallforhimanyharderthanI

alreadyhave.”Closinghereyes,sheadds,“IjustwishIcouldgethimoutofmysystem.Idon’t

understandwhyhehastobesodifferentfromtheothers.”

Evenbackinhighschool,Brooklynwasaserialdater.Austinisthefirstguytoeverpryhiswayinto

herheart.Evenifshedoesn’tnecessarilywanthimthere.

“Maybe,”Ireplysoftly,“thereasonyoucan’tgetoverAustinisbecauseyouactuallyhavefeelings

forhim.Maybeyouneedtogivehimanotherchancetoprovethathecanbetheguyyouneedhimtobe.”

ShelooksatmelikeIjusttoldhertodrownabagofkittens.“Butthat’stheproblem.Idon’twantto

feelanythingforhimatall.Relationshipsaresomucheasierwhenfeelingsaren’tinvolved.”

“Yeah,Igetthat…butisn’titalittlelate?Hasn’tthattrainalreadyleftthestation?”Ishakemy

head.“Howareyougoingtochangethefeelingsyoualreadyhaveforhim?”

It’swithacompletelystraightfacethatshesays,“Well,atthemomentI’mtryingtofuckhimoutof

mysystem.”

Irollmyeyes.WhichisusuallyBrooklyn’sthing,notmine.“Andhow’sthatworkingoutforyou?”

Shelookssuddenlythoughtful.“Isitpossiblethatwe’renothavingenoughsex?”

Iwanttoshakemyheadatwhat’scomingoutofhermouth.“So,letmegetthisstraight,”I’mpretty

surethedrytoneislostonher,“yourplanistoscrewaroundwithhiminhopesthatyoucanlessenyour

feelingsforhim?”

Total.

Disaster.

AndIdon’twanttobearoundwhenitexplodesinherface.

Shesnortsbeforethrowinganarmoverhereyes.Apparentlyhotposterguyisn’tdoinghisjob.

“Well,whenyouputitlikethat,itjustsoundsridiculous.”

Ican’thelpbutlaugh.“That’sbecauseitisridiculous.”

“Thentellmewhattodo,”shegroans,“becauseIdon’twanttokeepthinkingabouthim.Idon’twant

tokeephookingupwithhiminhopesthatit’llfinallybeenough.”

That’swhenunderstandingfinallydawns.Albeitalittlebelatedly.“That’swhyhewashere,isn’t

it?”

Thearmcomesoffherfaceassheturnstowardsme,blinkingthesunlightthatisfilteringinthrough

thewindowoutofhereyes.“Yep.Bootycall.InthefreakingmiddleofaWednesdayafternoon.So

sad.”

IthinkaboutwhatIheardrightbeforethedoorswungopen.“Whywereyoutwoyellingateach

otherifit’sjustsex?”

“Youheardthat,huh?”

“Justthevoices,nottheactualwords.”

“Believeitornot,he’stiredofhookingup.Sohegavemeanultimatum.Weeithermakethisthing

legitandstopsneakingaroundorhe’smovingon.”Brooklynplowsbothhandsthroughherhairasifshe

mightyankallofitrightoutofherhead.“Riddlemethis-ifguyspreferano-stringskindofsituation,

whyishetryingtopressuremeintoarelationship?You’dthinkthatwhatwe’redoingwouldbetotally

ideal.”

Well,clearlyI’mnorelationshipexpertbutI’mthinkingit’sbecauseAustinhasfeelingsfor

Brooklyn.He’sjustnotafraidtodosomethingaboutit.

“Sowhatyou’retellingmeisthatyouwon’tgooutwithhimandhewon’thookupwithyou,”I

finallyclarify.

“Yep,thatjustaboutsumsupoursituation.Doyouhaveanywordsofwisdomtoimpartuponme?”

Oh.

Hell.

No.

Iamnottouchingthisonewithatenfootpole.

Keepingmymouthshut,Ishakemyhead.“Sorry,Ireallydon’t.”I’mtheverylastpersonwho

shouldbedolingoutrelationshipadvice.ThisisthefirsttimeI’veactuallyfoundmyselfinoneandit’s

turningouttoberiddledwithissues.

IssuesIhavenoideahowtosolve.

EyeingBrooklyn,IrealizethatI’mnotaloneinthat.

ChapterFifteen

Ninetyminutes.That’showmuchtimeIhavetohitthebooksbeforeI’msupposedtomeetupwith

Coleforaquickdinner.HehasahockeyscrimmagetonightandBrooklynandIareplanningonbeing

theretosupporttheteam.

Istillhaven’tworkedupthecouragetotellhimthathismotherismytherapist.Ikeepputtingitoff.

Howfamiliardoesthatsound?

Unfortunately,toodamnfamiliar.

AndhereIthoughtthattellinghimaboutthemeaninglesshookupsandfailingoutofschoolwouldbe

thehardpart.I’dreallythoughtwewerepastallthesecrets,lies,andomissions.

Turnsoutwe’renot.

Checkingthetimeonmyphone,Iturnofftheringerbeforeshovingitbackintomymessengerbag.

ThenIheaduptothesecondfloortoaquietlittleareaburiedinthestacks.Ilikeitbecausethere’s

usuallynoonethereandit’squiet.

SoimaginemysurprisewhenIfindsomeoneelsealreadycampedoutatthetableIusuallypark

myselfat.AnnoyanceflarestolifewithinmebecauseI’macreatureofhabitandIlikesittingatwhatI

considertobemytable.

Andno…there’snothingweirdaboutthat.

JustasI’mabouttostalkaway,theguysittingatmytableglancesup,skeweringmeinplacewithhis

blueish-graygaze.

Luke.

Assoonasoureyeslock,ahugesmilecurvesitswayacrosshisface.“Hey,Cassidy!”Hewaves

meover.

SomethingunwantedtightenswithinmeasIstephesitantlytowardshim.Igivealittleawkward

wave.“Hey.”

Heglancesatthebaghangingoffmyshoulder.“Youneedaplacetowork?”

Myeyesslidearound,lookingforanalternative.Buttherearenone.Thefewtablesthatare

scatteredaroundarealreadyfilledwithstudents.“Umm…yeah.”

Heclearsoffapartofthetablethat’sclosesttome.“Youcanworkhereifyouwant.”

ForjustamomentortwoIshiftuneasilyfromonefoottoanother,knowinginthebackofmymind

thatColewouldn’tlikeusspendinganymoretimetogether.AndifI’mbeingcompletelytruthfulwith

myself,thefeelingsIhaveforLukemakemekindofuncomfortable.BecauseI’mbeginningtosuspect

thattheyaren’tonehundredpercentfriendship.Andmylifeisalreadycomplicatedenoughatthemoment

withoutaddingtheseunwantedfeelingsintothemix.

ThebestthingIcandoisstayawayfromLukeuntilIhaveabetterhandleonmyfeelings.AgainI

glancearoundlookingforanopentable.Anyopentable…Justoneopentable…

Buttherearen’tany.

“Cassidy?”

Gnawingonmylip,I’munsurewhattodo.

AmImakingtoobigofadealoutofthis?

Imean,it’sjuststudying.Weprobablywon’teventalk.Likeatall.Afteramomentofinternal

struggle,Idecidethatthere’snorealharminsittingatthesametablewithLukeforanhourandahalf.

“Okay.”Igivehimjustahintofasmilebeforelayingmybagdownandpullingoutmyeconomics

book.Lukesmilesbutdoesn’tsayanotherwordashegetsbacktowork.Ireassuremyselfonelasttime

thatwhatI’mdoingisperfectlyfineasIopenittochapterthirteenandbeginreading,highlighting,and

jottingdownafewnotes.

AfterawhileIrealizethatmyshouldersachefrombeinghunchedovermybook,soIpulloutmy

phonetocheckthetimeandrealizethatawholehourhassomehowdisappeared.Crap.Ididn’tevenget

througheverythingIwantedto.GlancingoveratLuke,Inoticehe’sstilltypingawayonhiscomputer.He

hasn’tspokenonesinglewordtomesinceIsatdown.

Whichisahugerelief.

See?

Iknewstudyingtogetherwouldbejustfine.

WhydidIeventhinkitwouldbeaproblem?

Allmyworryseemsutterlyridiculousnow.

IhaveaboutthirtyminuteslefttostudybeforeI’msupposedtomeetColefordinner.JustasI’m

abouttogetbacktoit,Lukestraightensinhischairbeforestretching.Archinghisback,heholdshisarms

upoverhisheadasherotatesfirstoneshoulder,thentheother.EventhoughIshouldn’tbenoticingthe

waythesoftfabricofhisshirtplaysacrossthewideexpanseofhischest,I,um,do.Itfeelsasifmygaze

isgluedtothewayhisshortsleevesmoldperfectlytothethicklycordedmusclesofhisarmsand

shoulders…

No,Idefinitelyshouldn’tbenoticinghowthathappens.

ButIcan’tseemtohelpmyself.Objectivelyspeaking,he’sgorgeous.Wideshoulders,powerful

chest,hugearms,taperedwaist.

Justasthoseunwantedthoughtscrashthroughmyhead,IrealizethatI’mtotallycheckinghimout.

AndIshouldn’tbecheckingLukeout.Atall.Flushing,Ihavetopracticallyripmyeyesawayfromthe

hardcutofhisupperbodybeforeforcingthemdowntothesplayedopenbookinfrontofme.

Christ.Ireallyhopehedidn’tseethewayIwasdrooling.Howembarrassing.

Ican’tbelieveIjustdidthat.Lukeismyfriend.Nothingmore.

Nothing.

More.

“Doyoustillhavealotofreadingtofinishup?”

Tryingtopretendwhathappeneddidnotjusthappen,Iforcemyeyesuptomeethis.Thankfully

there’snotanykindofsmirkorknowinglightwithinthembecauseiftherewere,Iwouldprobablypack

upallmybooksandhightailitrightoutofthelibrary.Butthereisn’t.Heseemsblissfullyunawareofmy

intenseperusal.

IwishIcouldbethatoblivious.

Iclearmythroat…nottomentionmythoughts.“Um,alittlebitmore.Iwantedtogetthroughas

muchasIcouldbeforethegametonight.”

Hesmiles,stretchingonemoretimeasheholdsmyunwaveringgaze.Idon’tallowmyeyesto

deviatefromhis.“Soyou’llbethere?Awesome!”

Igulpasmymouthgoesdry.“Yes,bothBrooklynandIareplanningonit.”

Henods.“Shouldbeatightgame.I’vegoneovertheirfilm.We’vegotabigger,fasterdefenseand

moretalentupfront.SoIthinkwe’llbeabletopullitoff.”Herubshischin.“Buttheirgoalieisreally

solid.”

Idon’tmentionthatColefeelsthesamewayandhasprettymuchsaidthesameexactthing.“Should

beagoodgame.”

Thankfullyfinishedwithallhisstretching,heleansbackinhiswoodenchair.Tiltinghisheadtothe

side,hiseyesslideoverme.Icanalmostfeeltheheatofhisgazelickingovermybody.WhatIcan’t

decideisifIlikeitornot.

BecauseIshouldn’tlikeitatall.AndIdefinitelyshouldn’tbefeelinganylittlepinpricksof

awarenessdancingaroundinthepitofmybelly.

“Everythingokay,Cassidy?”

Surprisedbythequestion,Isay,“Yeah,everything’sfine.Whydoyouask?”Mycheeksfeelasif

they’reburningup.Inthatquietwayofhis,hecontinueswatchingme.SometimesitfeelsasifLukeis

completelyattunedtoallmythoughtsandemotions.It’sadisconcertingfeelingandyet…Idon’tknow…

Forsomereason,oneIdon’tquiteunderstand-ormaybeIdo,maybeitalltiesbacktowhat

happenedlastyear,IfeellikeIcantalktoLuke.LikeIcanactuallydropallthebullshitpretensesand

justbehonestwithhim.Andtherearen’tmanypeopleIfeelthatwaywith.

Ibitedownonmybottomlipasindecisionfillsmebecauseitwouldfeelsogoodtotalkwith

someoneabouteverythingthat’sgoingonrightnow.It’snotlikeIcanjustpopintoDr.Thompson’soffice

anymore.IneverrealizedjusthowmuchI’dbeguntodependonheruntilIstoppedgoingtothe

counselingcenter.

Imissherobjectiveopinionandthoughtfulquestions.

I’vespentthelasttenandahalfmonthsworkingwithatherapist.ThisisthefirsttimeIhaven’thad

someonetositdownandunloadon.IguessIcouldtalkwithBrooklynbutshehasherowncrapthatshe’s

tryingtowadethrough.Thelastthingsheneedsistogetmireddowninmydrama.

AndCole…well,Istillhaven’tfiguredouthowtotellhimaboutmyrelationshipwithhismother.

Sothere’snoonelefttoconfidein.

“Itjustseemslikesomething’sonyourmind.”Hegivesmejustabitofahalf-smilebeforeadding,

“Andwe’refriends,right?”Hewaitsformetonodinagreementbeforecontinuing,“Ifyouneedhelp

withsomething,I’vegotastrongshouldertoleanon.Youcanalwaystalktome.”

He’sright…hereallydoeshavestrongshoulders.

Althoughthat’sprobablynotwhathemeant.

Eventhoughitmightbeamistake,everythingwithinmerelaxesashiswordsbouncearoundinmy

head.Imean,he’sright.Wearefriends.He’sneverbeenanythingbutafriendtome.

Inhalingabigbreath,Iletitoutslowly.Inthefewsecondsittakesmetodothat,it’slikethe

floodgatessuddenlyopenandthewordscomepouringoutofmymouthbeforeIevenrealizethatI’m

sayingthem.“ImetCole’sfamilythisweekend.HismotheristhetherapistI’vebeenseeinghereat

school.”

Hisdarkblondbrowsshootupacrosshisforeheadbeforeheletsoutalongslowwhistle.

InwardlyIwince.Becauseyeah…thatjustaboutsumsitup.

ApparentlythissituationisjustasbadasIthoughtitwas.Perfect.

“DoesColeknow?”

Withmyeyesholdinghis,Isilentlyshakemyhead.

HemakesanotherfaceandI’mtemptedtocrumpleupausedpieceofnotebookpaperandthrowitat

him.Actually,that’sexactlywhatIdo.Forjustamomenthelooksshockedasthewaddedupballof

paperhitshimsquareinthechest.

Thenheburstsoutlaughing.Afewofthestudentsworkingclosetousglareinourgeneral

direction.Astheyreturntotheirwork,IgobacktogloweringatLukeforfindinghumorinmysucky

situation.

Ratherquicklyhestifleshislaughterbeforestraighteningupandleaningtowardsme.“Sorry.Thisis

acompletelyseriousandjackedupproblem.Pleasecontinue.”

Narrowingmyeyes,Icontinuescowlingbecauseheisn’ttellingmeanythingIdon’talreadyknow.

AndhadIrealizedhewouldactuallylaughatme,Iwouldn’thavebotheredtellinghiminthefirstplace.

“Justsoyouknow,I’mtwosecondsawayfrompackingupandleaving.”

Withtheutmostofseriousness,hefinallysays,“WellobviouslyyouneedtotellCole.Whenyou

actuallythinkaboutit,it’snotreallythatbigofadeal.”

Umm,yeah,itis…

Bitingdownonmylip,Ifinallymutter,“I’vetoldher…intimatedetailsaboutourrelationship.”

Againhisbrowsslideupwardsbutthistimehe’ssmartenoughnottochuckle.OrIwouldhaveto

makegoodonthatearlierthreattowalk.

“Look,whetheryoutoldherornot,shewouldhavesuspectedthatyoutwowere,ah,doingthings.I

mean,comeon,you’rebothincollege.LikeIjustsaid,it’snotthatbigofadeal.”

I’mprettysurethere’sahopefulexpressiononmyfaceasIask,“Youreallydon’tthinkso?”

“Ireallydon’t.”Leaningevenfurthertowardsme,hesaysquietlybutfirmly,“Look,youwent

throughalotlastyearandColeknowsthat.Heacceptsit.Whetherherealizesitornot,you’vehadalot

ofshittoworkthrough.Youwereseeingherbeforeyouevenmethim.Herbeingyourtherapistdoesn’t

meananythinginthegrandschemeofthings.Youjustneedtogetitalloutintheopenandthenyou’llfeel

betteraboutit.”

“Yeah,”Isaythoughtfully,wonderingifitreallycouldbethatsimple,“Iguessthat’strue.”

Reachingout,hetakesmyhandinhisownbeforesqueezingitlightly.Hiseyesholdmine.“IfCole

lovesyouasmuchasyouthinkhedoes,he’llunderstand.It’sjustthatsimple.”

Exhalingabreath,Iturnhiswordsoverinmyhead.Ithinkhe’sprobablyright.Colewillendup

understanding.Itreallyisn’tthatbigofadeal.WhatwasIworriedaboutanyway?Inhalingadeep

breath,Iforceitoutslowlybeforeatentativesmileliftsthecornersofmylips.

HearingLuke’sperspectiveonthishasmademefeelsomuchbetteraboutthings.“You’reright.I’m

goingtotalktohimaboutitassoonasIcan.”BecausethesoonerIcangetthisoutintheopen,thebetter

offI’llfeelaboutthesituation.MaybethenIcanevenstopinandseeDr.Thompson.

Atleastsaygoodbyetoher.

Finally.Ihaveaplan.Itfeelslikeahugeweighthasbeenliftedoffme.

Smilinginreturn,heletsgoofmyhandbeforepickinguphisphone.“IwishIhadmoretimetotalk

butI’vegottogetgoing,it’salmostsix.Istillhavetoeatandgetovertotherink.”

Wait…what?

Six?

Itcan’tbethatlatealready!

Gasping,Isearcharoundformyphonebeforefindingitbeneathafewpapers.Themomentmy

fingerswraparoundit,Ihitthebuttonthatlightsupthescreen.Ohmygod,he’sright!It’ssixo’clock!

Allthosegoodfeelingsthathadjustbeensurgingthroughmeinstantlydissolveleavingpanicanddreadin

theirplace.

Crap!

IwassupposedtomeetColeattheUnionatfivethirty.Ican’tbelievehowmuchtimehasslipped

by.Irememberglancingatmyphoneanditwasfiveo’clock.Howdidawholehourslidebyso

quickly?Itdoesn’tevenfeellikeLukeandIweretalkingforallthatlong.Ialmostgroanbecausethere

arethreemissedcallsandaslewofunansweredtextmessageswhichIdidn’thearbecauseIhadmy

phoneonsilent.UsuallywhenI’mstudyingatthelibrary,myphoneissittingonthetablerightbeside

me.Somehowitgotburiedunderahandfulofpapers.Jerkingtomyfeet,Iquicklyshovemybooksinto

mybag.

“Cassidy?”

IrealizethatLukeisalsoonhisfeet.Concernisetchedineverylineofhisface.

“I’mlate,”Ibabble,“IwassupposedtomeetColefordinneratfivethirty.Icompletelylosttrackof

time.”

“Okay.Calmdown.I’msurehe’llunderstand.Ithappens.”

Takingadeepbreath,Istareathim.He’sprobablyright.Imean,Ihopehe’sright.Ijustfeel

terriblethatthishappened.Bitingmylip,Ican’thelpbutthinkthatColeandIarealittleoutofsyncright

nowandIdon’tknowwhy.

OrmaybeIdo…

Therejustseemstobealotofthingsstandinginourway.AndLukeisright.Ineedtotalkwithhim

soon.Tomorrow.There’snotimetodoitnowandthisisn’tthekindofconversationIwanttohave

beforehegoesoutontheiceforagame.

Nodding,Igivehimahastywavebeforeliterallyrunningoff.AsI’mracingdownaflightofstairs,I

quicklycallColeprayingthatheanswersandwon’tbetoopissedthatIaccidentlyblewhimoff.Once

againitflitsunwantedlythroughmyheadthatthingsbetweenushavefeltalittleoff.Eversincethat

afternoonhesawLukeandmetogetherattheUnion.

Andwe’vebothbeensobusylately.Himwithclassesandhishockeyscheduleandmewithclasses,

hockey,andtutoringinthemathcenter.It’sbecomingmoreandmoredifficulttocarveouttimeforone

anotherandwhenwedo,Imissit.

“Cassidy?”HistoneisfullofconcernandIfeelbadthathe’sthinkingsomethingcouldbewrong.

“Whereareyou?Iseverythingokay?”

Theworryprickinghisvoicehasmefeelinglikecrap.

“I’msosorrythatIflakedonyou.IwasatthelibrarystudyingandIturnedtheringeroffonmy

phone.”

“Areyoustillatthelibrary?”Nolongeristhereconcernlacinghisvoicebutthankfullyhedoesn’t

soundangryeither.Someofthetensionthathadbeengrippingmeslowlystartstodrainaway.

“I’mleavingrightnow.”I’mactuallyhuffingasIreachtheglassdoorsthatleadoutside.“Icanmeet

youattheUnionifyou’restillthere.It’llonlytakemeafewminutes.”IfIliterallyrunmyassoff,that

is.ButI’ddoitjusttospendafewmomentswithhimbeforehisgame.

“No,Ihadtograbsomethingwithoutyou.I’vegottoheadovertotherinkandstartgettingready.I’m

alreadyinthecar.StaywhereyouareandI’llpickyouupandtakeyoubacktothedormsonmyway.”

Disconnecting,Iinhaleadeepbreathbeforeshovingmyphonebackintomybag.Afewmoments

laterColerollsupandIquicklydashovertohiselectricblueMustangbeforeslidinginnexttohim.He

letsthecaridleasheleansover,pressingalingeringkissagainstmylips.Andjustlikethat,alittlepiece

ofnormalfallsintoplacebetweenus.

Pullingafewinchesaway,Ican’thelpbutapologizeagain,“I’msosorryaboutmissingdinner.I

wasreadingeconandcompletelylosttrackoftime.”

Hislipsquirkupatthecornersintoalopsidedsmile.Ofcourseitmeltsmyheart.“Wow…thrown

asideforeconomics.”Hiseyescrinkleatthecorners.“Talkaboutamassiveblowtomyego.”

Ican’thelpbutmatchhislightheartedsmileasIgivehimaheavyliddedlookbeforewhispering,

“Well,economicsisprettydamnsexy.”

Intheblinkofaneye,henipsatmyneckandIsquealbeforegiggling.“I’mkidding!You’reway

sexierthanarbitrage,fiscaldrag,andmonetarypolicy.”

“ItwouldbeseriouslysadifIwasn’t.”Withagrinstillhoveringaroundthecornersofhismouth,he

kissesme.Thosegorgeouslipsofhisslideseductivelyacrossmine,takingmetoaplacewhereIcan

barelythink.

GodbutIlovethewayhekissesme.

Ilovethewayhishandsstrokeslowlyovermybody,heatingmeupfromtheinsideout.

Orthewayhisthickarmmusclesflexandshiftwhenthey’rebandingaroundme.

Histongueslipsintomymouth,rubbingagainstmine,slowlyexploringeverypartofmeuntilI’mnot

surewherehebeginsandIend.Groaning,Isuddenlywishwecouldgobacktohisplace.

Whenhefinallypullsaway,I’mabletoseetheheatlightinghiseyesanditturnsmeonevenmore

thanIalreadyam.“Areyoustillplanningoncomingtothegameordoyouhavetoomuchwork?”

ShakingmyheadIsay,“No,Iwasabletogetmostofitdone.”Iwouldn’tmissoneofhisgamesfor

anything.Ican’thelpbutsmilebecauseColemakesmehappy.AndIwanttomakehimhappyinreturn.

EventhoughIdohavesomeworktofinishup,Iwanttosupporthimjustlikehe’salwaystheretosupport

me.“I’llbethere.Ipromise.”

Hisdimplesflashandpopashegrins.Andmyheartstuttersinresponse.Iseriouslylovethose

dimplesofhis.“Good.”

Justashe’sleaningtowardsmeagain,there’saloudknockonthepassengersidewindow.Startled

bytheunexpectednoise,bothofusjumpapartbeforeturningtowardsthedoor.Somethinguncomfortable

twistsinthepitofmybellywhenIseeLukestandingontheotherside,staringatus.

“Whatthehelldoeshewant?”ColemuttersthewordsunderhisbreathbutIstillhearthem.He

doesn’tletmegoeither.Hisarmsstayfirmlywrappedaroundme.

Amomentlaterhehitsthebuttontounrollthewindow.Lukeleansdown,restinghisforearmsagainst

thecarsothathisfaceislevelwithours.HiseyestouchminebeforeslidingtoColewhoissitting

tenselybehindme.“Hey,Cole.”

Colejerkshischininresponse.“What’sup?”

Luke’seyesarrowbacktominebeforefasteningonthem.“Youforgotyoureconnotebook.Iwasn’t

sureifyouneededittonight.”HehandsmethenotebookandIrealizeasItakeitfromhimthatmyfingers

aretrembling.“Youtookoffsoquickly.”

“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.ForsomereasonitfeelsasifI’mlockedbetweenthesetwoguys.Butthat’s

nothowitis.I’mwithCole.NotLuke.AllIwantistodiffusethethickstiflingtensionthatisradiating

intheairbetweenthem.

Asifsensingtheoppressivenessofit,Lukequicklynodsbeforetakingastepbackandstraightening

tohisfullheight.“I’vegottagetgoing.”HiseyesbrieflytouchuponCole’sagain.“Seeyoulater.”

IassumethatColenodsinresponsebecausehedoesn’tsayanotherword.BythetimeIblinkmy

eyes,LukeisstridingbacktowardsthelibraryandColeisjerkinghisarmsfromaroundme.Abruptlyhe

throwsthecarintogearbeforepeelingawayfromthecurb.Withshakingfingers,Ifumblewiththe

seatbeltbeforefinallysnappingitinplace.Notknowingwhattosay,InervouslyglanceoveratCole

tryingtosilentlyassessthedamage.

MyheartsqueezespainfullybecauseIcanallbutseetheangershimmeringaroundhim.Hislipsare

compressedinathintightline.Hiseyesarefixedontheroadaheadofhimashewhiteknucklesthe

steeringwheel.Igulpnotknowinghowtomakewhatjusthappenedbetter.

ButwhatexactlyamItryingtomakebetter,Isuddenlywonder.

Ihaven’tdoneanythingwrong.Notreally...

Istudiedatthelibrarywithafriend.Anditwasn’tlikeitwasplanned.Lukebeingtherewasatotal

coincidence.Nothingmore.Weweren’tsneakingaroundbehindCole’sbackoranything.

“Cole?”IwhisperhisnamebecauseI’mnotquitesurewhattosayinthefaceofhisanger.I

shouldn’thavetoapologizeforstudyingwithLuke.Butthat’sexactlythewayitfeels.Thewordsareon

thetipofmytonguebecauseallIreallywantisforeverythingtobeokaybetweenus.

Andit’snot.

Foralongagonizingmomenthekeepshiseyesfocusedontheroadaheadofhim.Hedoesn’tsay

anything.Ican’thelpbutfidgetuncomfortablyinthethicksilencethatnowfillstheMustang.

“Youweren’tgoingtotellme,wereyou?”

It’saquestion…andyetit’snot.

Myheartraces,poundingharshlyundermybreastasmyeyesslidefromhimtothewindshieldin

frontofme.WasIgoingtotellhim?I…Idon’tknow.StudyingwithLukeatthelibrarydidn’tseemlike

abigdealbutIknew…knewthatitwouldbotherhim.It’swhyIhesitatedtositdownwithLukeinthe

firstplace.

“Cassidy?”

Myeyessnapbacktohim.“Idon’tknow,”Ifinallywhisper.“Wewerejuststudying.Itwasn’t

planned.Hewasjustthereand,”Ishrugmyshouldershelplessly,“heaskedmetositwithhim.That’sit.

Itwasn’tabigdeal.”

Whenhiseyesfinallybreakawayfromtheroadtoglanceatme,Ican’thelpbutnoticeallthehurt

anddistrustswimmingaroundwithinthem.Afterdivulgingeverythingthathappenedlastyear,Itold

myselfthatIwouldn’tkeepanythingelsefromhim.

It’simpossibletobuildahealthyrelationshiponliesandomissions.

Iftenmonthsoftherapyhavetaughtmeanything,it’sthatandyetitfeelslikeI’mkeepingsomany

secretsfromColerightnow.Andthat’snotwhatIwantforourrelationshipbecausealreadyIcanseethe

damageit’scausing.

Hisbrowsdrawtogether.“Ifitwasn’tabigdeal,thenwhydidn’tyoujusttellme?”

Releasingapentupbreath,Ishakemyheadatmyownstupidity.Keepingthisfromhimwas

thoughtlessonmypartandIseethatnow.AllI’vedoneisgivehimareasontodistrustme.“BecauseI

knowyoudon’twantmespendingtimewithLukeandIdidn’twantyoutoworry.”

Afteralongmoment,hefinallymurmurs,“ThenwhydoesitfeellikeIshouldbeworried?”

ChapterSixteen

“So,areyougoingtotellmewhat’swrong,becauseyou’vebeenallsadbastardeversinceyoucame

backfromthelibrary.”Sheaddsaveryunattractivesnortbeforecontinuing,“Andquitehonestly,Ican’t

imagineanyhugedramaunfoldingoverthere.”Brooklyngivesmeherbesttell-me-what-the-hell-is-

going-onlookaswesitinthebleacherswaitingforthegametogetunderway.

Unabletostandthewayshe’seyeballingme,Ifinallymutter,“No.”Ikeepmyeyestrainedonthe

Zamboniasitslowlysweepswaterovertheicetosmoothoutalltheroughpatches.Ican’tstopmymind

fromtumblingbacktotheridehomewithCole.

IjustwishI’dhandledthewholesituationdifferently.Ishouldhavefoundmyowntabletoworkat.

Thennoneofthiswouldhavehappened.Iwouldn’tbefeelingasifColeandIareonthevergeof

somethingterrible.

UnfortunatelyBrooklynisn’ttakingthehintthatI’mnotinthemoodtodiscussmyownclusterfuckof

asituation.“No-there’snothingwrongorno-you’renotgoingtotellmewhatitis.”

“I’mgoingwithwhat’sbehinddoornumbertwo.”

Beforeshe’sabletorespond,theZambonidisappearsintoagaragetypedooratthefarendofthe

ice.Intheblinkofaneye,bothteamsjumpontotheiceforwarmups.Almostimmediatelymyeyes

fastenontoColeashestretches,makingwidecirclesontheirhalfoftheice.Theremustbesomethingin

myeyesthatcluesBrooklynintowhat’sgoingon.

“IshouldhaveknownthishadsomethingtodowithCole.”

Feelingdefeated,Ishakemyhead.“Ireallydon’twanttotalkaboutitrightnow.There’stoomuch

goingonandIjustneedsometimetomullitover.”

ShethrowsherhandsupintheairlikeI’mtheonewho’sbreakingsomekindoffriendshipcodeby

notspillingmygutstoher.Doesthatreallymakemealousyfriend?Ihavenoidea.Maybeitdoes.

“Farbeitformetotryandhelp.”

FinallyIturntoherwithasadlittlesmilemarringmyfacebeforeIreachout,grabbingherhandwith

myown.“I’msorry.”Ican’thelpbuthuffoutatiredbreath.“YouandIarequitethepair,aren’twe?”

AlmostunwillinglyhereyesfastenontoAustinashecirclestheicewiththeteam.Asmallfrown

pullsatthecornersofherlipsasshewatcheshim.“Yeah,Isupposeweare.”Afewmomentslaterher

eyescloudasshenudgesmyshoulderwithherown.“Whyisthatcoupledowntherescopingyouout?

It’skindofcreepy.”

Glancingdownafewrows,myeyescollidewithDr.Thompson’s.IguessIshouldn’tbesurprised

thatsheandThomasareheresupportingCole.ButIam.ItneveroccurredtomethatImightruninto

themagain.

Shiftingonthehardbench,Isay,“Um,that’sCole’sparents.”Mythroatsuddenlyfeelsasifit’s

constrictingasmyheartbeatsanuncomfortabletattooagainstmychest.

“Who’sthechickwiththem?Isthathissister?”Shepausesbeforefrowning.“Doesheevenhavea

sister?Becauseforsomereason,Ididn’tthinkhedid.”

It’sallIcandotoripmyeyesawayfromDr.Thompson’sintensegaze.Onlytohaveitlandon

Cole’sex-girlfriend,Jackie.She,however,isn’tawareofmypresence.Instead,she’stalkingrather

animatedlywithThomasasifthey’veknowneachotherforever.

Which,Iguess,theyprobablyhave.

Forsomereason,thefactthatJackieissittingwithhisparentshasagiantlumpsettlinginthemiddle

ofmythroatbecausenotonlydidsheandColegooutfortwoyearsbutthey’vebeenfriendsformorethan

adecade.

Staringatthethreeofthemsittingthere,IrealizeI’llneverhavethatwithCole.I’llneverfeellike

I’mpartofhisfamilythewayJackiedoes.Therearejusttoomanyobstaclesstandinginourway.That

thoughtcrashesintomelikeatonofbricks,leavingmetofeelasifI’mgaspingforbreath.

“That’sCole’sex-girlfriend.”Myvoicesoundsthinandreedy,eventomyownears.

BrooklynquirksaneyebrowatmebeforehergazeallbutfallsontoJackieagain.

“Ifshe’stheex-girlfriend,thenwhyisshesittingwiththem?”

“SheandColegrewuptogether.She’safamilyfriend,Iguess.”It’sjustanotherreminderthatshe

belongsandIdon’t.I’msuddenlywonderingifColeinvitedhertothegame.Thatthoughtisenoughto

havemystomachtwistingintotinylittleknots.

Hewouldn’tdothat…wouldhe?

“Hmmm.”Shedoesn’tsayanythingmorethanthat.

Because,really,whatelseistheretosay?

Notwantingtocontinuestaring,IelbowastillgawkingBrooklynbeforewebothturnourattention

backtotheplayersontheicewhoarenowmovingthroughpassingandshootingdrills.Glancingatthe

clock,I’mrelievedthatthegamewillstartinlessthanfiveminutes.Ijustwantthisoverwith.

Whatsucksisthatbeforethewholelibraryincident,Ihadreallybeenlookingforwardtowatching

Coleplaytonight.Now,I’mnotsurewhereColeandIevenstand.Afterhedroppedmeoff,Icouldn’t

helpbutfeelasiftherehadbeensomuchleftunsaidbetweenusandnotenoughtimetosortitallout.

UnconsciouslymyeyesdriftbacktoCole’smotherandstepfather.Athickjoltslicesthroughme

whenIrealizethatI’mnowbeingscrutinizedbyJackie.

Brooklynnudgesmeintheshoulderagain.“Well,someonesureknowswhoyouare.”

AsoftsighleavesmybodyasIcontinueholdingJackie’seyes.“Sheintroducedherselfattheparty

onHalloweenandwesortofhadaconversation.”

Herheadliterallywhipstowardsmineinsurprise.Thelookonherfacewouldactuallybecomical

iftherewereanythingremotelyfunnyaboutthissituation.“What?”

Ijerkmyshouldersintoatightshrugnotreallywantingtodelveintoitrightnow.Especiallywith

Jackiewatching.“Coleneverreallysaidwhathappenedbetweenthemandshewaskindenoughtofillin

alltheblanks.”

“Ohdidshenow?”Thatresponseisgiveninatotallyspeculativekindofway.Addthenarrowed

eyesandthethin,pursedlipsandyouhaveacompletevisual.

Myvoicelowersaseverythingshesaidcyclesviciouslythroughmymindagain.“Yeah.”

“Didshealsofillyouinonjusthowshe’strollingtogethimback?”

Nowit’smyheadthatissnappingtowardsherinsurprise.I’msurethere’sanincredulous

expressiononmyface.“Howdidyoufigurethatoutalready?”

Givingmearatherpatronizinglook,Brooklynsnorts.“It’sprettyfreakingobvious.”

“Well,shewasveryniceaboutthewholething.”Igiveherawrysmile.“Notbitchyatall.”

Inashowofsolidary,sheslingsanarmaroundmyshouldersbeforepullingmeclosejustasthegame

issettostart.“Youshouldhavetoldme.Jeez,Cassidy,Ifeellikeyou’retotallykeepingmeoutofthe

loop.”

Igivealittlelaughbeforeadding,“Yeah,well,Ifeelthesameway,Ms.Friends-With-Benefits.”

Shechuckles,nudginghershoulderintomine.“Iwasembarrassed,whatcanIsay?”

Justasthepuckisdroppedatcenterice,IsendupaquicklittleprayerofthanksthatBrooklynandI

havereconnectedthisyear.Ihonestlydon’tknowwhatIwoulddowithoutherhumorandsupport

throughoutallthis.Probablybethestressedout,screwedupmessIwasbefore.

“Havingfeelingsforsomeoneyoulikeshouldn’tembarrassyou.”

Shedoesn’tsayanythingtothataswewatchtheWolvesstealthepuckbeforeracingtothenet.

That’sonethingIloveabouthockey-it’sfastpacedactionfromstarttofinish.There’sneveranydown

time.Noninthinningstretch.Notimeforboredomtosetin.

Eventhoughit’sagreatgame,it’shardtofindanyenjoymentorpleasureinwatchingit.Mymindis

toowrappedupinalltheproblemsthathavecroppedupbetweenus.“Youknow,Ithoughtthehardpart

wouldbetellingColeaboutmypast.Butwhatwe’redealingwithnowdoesn’tfeelanyeasier.”

Withhereyesfocusedonthegame,Brooklynsays,“It’sjustanex-girlfriend,Cass.Colelovesyou.

Nother.There’snothingtodealwith.”

Ireallywishthatwastheonlythingstandingbetweenus.Butit’snot.Atthemomentitfeelsasif

thereisahugeyawningchasmseparatingusandIhaveabsolutelynoideahowtobridgeit.Insteadof

dwellingonourboyproblems,BrooklynandImunchonpopcornallthewhilewatchingAustinandCole

dominateontheice.Eventhoughhe’shavingagoodgame,Icantellsomethingisn’tright.

Hejustseems…Idon’tknow…off.

He’splayingwithalotmoreaggressionthanhenormallydoes.I’velearnedoverthepastfew

monthsthatColeisasmartplayerwhounderstandsthefundamentalsofthegame.Hehitswhenit’s

necessaryandadvantageoustotheteam.Andhishitsarealwayscleanandlegal.He’snotonetodrawa

penaltyforbeingcheap.

JustasI’mthinkingthat,ColeslamsintoanEasternMavericksforward.Becauseofthesheerforce

ofhishit,theybothgocrashingintotheboards.Theentirecrowdwincesatthereverberationthatripples

throughoutthechillyarena.Feelingstunned,Iwatchastheotherplayerdropstotheice.

It’shardlyasurprisewhenColereceivesapenaltyforroughing.Tomakemattersworse,heargues

withthereftheentiretimehe’sskatingovertothepenaltyboxbeforethrowinghimselfinside.After

slumpingontothebench,oneofhiscoachesripshimanewone.Ican’thelpbutwatchtheguy’sarmsfly

aroundasheyells.Feelingstunned,Ishiftuncomfortablyinmyseat.

Leaningtowardsme,BrooklynlooksjustassurprisedasI’mfeeling.“What’supwithhim?”

Brooklynmaynottotallygraspallthefinerpointsofthegame,butsheknowsenoughtorealizethatthis

isn’tanormaloccurrenceforCole.

IclosemyeyesforjustamomentnotwantingtobelievethatCole’splayhasanythingtodowithwhat

happenedbetweenusearlier…butIknowdeepdownthatitdoes.

Therestofthegamedoesn’tfareanybetterforhimortherestoftheteam.EventhoughtheWolves

startedoutwithathreegoallead,theEasternMaverickshavebeenabletotakeadvantageofCole’stwo

minutepenaltybyscoringtwogoalswhilehesatinthebox.Thethirdwasscoredonhissecondtripto

thepenaltyboxinthemiddleofthethirdperiod.

Assoonastheopposingteamtiesupthegame,theWolves’frustrationlevelbecomesalmost

palpable.It’slikealivingbreathingentityfillingthearena.Andtheplayersaren’ttheonlyonesfeeling

pissedoffbythreegoalleadthathasnowdisappeared.Fansareontheirfeetshoutingandbooing.AllI

candoissitthere,holdingBrooklyn’shand,squeezingtheverylifeoutofitasasickfeelingchurnsinmy

belly.

Colehasnowreceivedtwopenaltiesforroughingduringthisgame.I’veneverevenseenhimdraw

onepenalty.ThiskindofbehaviorissounliketheColeI’vegottentoknowoverthepreviousfew

months.I’veneverseenhimbeanythinglessthancalmandcollected.

Worse,heandLukenowseemtobegettingintoit.

It’simpossiblefromthestandstohearwhatthey’rearguingaboutbutit’scompletelyobviousthatthe

fewexchangesthey’vehadhavebeenlessthanamicable.They’resupposedtobeaunitedfrontoutthere

ontheiceandthey’reanythingbut.Thebadenergybetweenthemseemstobeaffectingthewholeteam.

Withlessthanaminuteandahalftogo,theMaverickschargedowntheice.Coleblocksthem,

slammingintoaMaverickforwardbeforeknockingthepuckloose.AscuffleensuesandLukejoinsthe

fray.It’simpossibletoseeexactlywhat’sgoingonorwhohasthepuck.Ican’thelpbutanxiouslywatch

thegameclock.

Sixtysecondsleft.

StillplentyoftimefortheWolvestoscoreandwinthegame,Iremindmyself.Inhockey,ateamcan

scorewithjustafewsecondsleftontheclockfromtheotherendoftheice.

ThepuckispassedfromthepileofplayersalltangledtogetherjustasAustinswoopsinandnabsit.

Digginghisbladesintotheice,hekicksitintohighgear.Theentirecrowdsurgestotheirfeetin

anticipation.They’rescreamingandcheeringAustinonasheracestowardsthenet.Theywanttheir

Wolvestopulloffawin.JustasAustinclosesin,heripsoffalightningquickshot.Everyonewithinthe

arenaholdstheirbreathwaitingforthepucktohitthebackofthenet.

Justwhenweallthinkthere’snowayhewon’tscorethewinninggoal,theMaverickgoalieslides,

effectivelyblockingtheshot.Thegameendsinatieandeventhoughit’snotaloss,theWolvesaren’t

happy.

Andneitheristheirheadcoach.

Nerveschurnuncomfortablyatthebottomofmybellyaswewatchbothteamsfileangrilyoffthe

ice.Everyonelookspissedoff.Eventhefans.

“Well,”Brooklynfinallysaysbreakingthethicktensionslidingthroughme,“thatwasonehellofa

game.”

“Yeah,”Imutter.Butitwasn’tgood.Atall.

Standingup,webothgetreadytovacatethecoldarena.Ithinkmybuttisactuallynumbatthispoint

anditfeelsgoodtogetupandstretch.ButI’mundecidedastowhatIshoulddo.DoIslinkoutofhere

andtalktohimtomorrow?OrdoIstay?

Understandingmydilemma,Brooklynasks,“So,arewewaitingaroundorwhat?”

Comingheretonight,IhadassumedthatColeandIwouldbeabletocleartheairbetweenusafterthe

game.Thatdoesn’tnecessarilyfeellikeagoodideaanymore.Especiallyafterwhatjusthappenedout

there.It’sobviousthatColeisangryandIknowithaseverythingtodowithme.

Andthenthere’sthefactthathisparentsandex-girlfriendwillprobablyhangaroundaswell.Forall

Iknow,theycouldhaveplanstograbsomethingtoeatafterthis.Andthereisabsolutelynowayinhell

I’mgoingoutwithbothDr.ThompsonandJackie.AllwewouldneedtodoisaddLuketothemixandit

wouldbesomegodawfultrifectaofuncomfortableness.

No.

Thank.

You.

Butstill…Idon’twanttowalkawaywithoutseeinghim.Maybebythetimeheleavesthelocker

roomhe’llhavecalmeddownenoughsothatwecantalk.Ireallyhatethewayweleftthingsbetweenus.

Forbetterorworse,Idecidetowait.BrooklynandIarethelastonestomeanderourwayovertothe

lockerroomdoors.WekeeptoourselvesbecauseIreallydon’twanttogetsuckedintoanawkward

conversationwithCole’sparentsorhisex.

“Cassidy?”

Damn.

MyheartflipsasIinwardlyflinch.Plasteringatightsmileacrossmyface,Islowlyturntofaceher

withasmuchdignityasIcanmuster.AndconsideringthatI’vespentthelasttenminutesusingmyfriend

asahumanshield,that’snotsayingmuch.

“Hi,Dr.Thompson.”ThenInodtowardsThomas,Cole’sstepfather.”“AndDr.Thompson.”

Eyestwinkling,hegrinsinresponse.EventhoughI’mrackedwithnerves,hiseasydemeanor

somehowmanagestoeasethethicktensioncracklingintheairaroundus.“Oryoucouldjustcallus,Dr.

Thompsonsquared.”

Mylipslift.HereallyissuchanicemanandyetallIcanfocusoniswhetherornotheknowsthat

hiswifewasmytherapist.

“Thatwasaprettyroughgame,”Thomascomments.“Coleusuallyplayswithalotmorecontroland

finesse.I’mnotsurewhatwasgoingonwithhimtonight.”

TryingtothrowthefocusoffCole,Iadd,“Well,thewholeteamseemedtobehavingissues.”

Thomasmakesanoncommittalnoisedeepinhisthroatbutdoesn’tsayanythingmore.Since

Brooklynonlyknowsthathockeyisplayedbyhotroughguyswearingmassiveshoulderpadsand

hopefullyextra-largejocks,sheisn’tabletocontributeanythingfurthertotheconversationwhichhasnow

descendedintoastateofpainfulness.

AndthatisexactlywhatIhadbeenhopingtoavoidwhenI’dbeendoingmywholeduckingand

hidingroutineafewminutesago.

I’mjustabouttomakeupanexcuseastowhyBrooklynandIhavetofleetothebathroomwhen

Cole’smothersuddenlyasks,“Cassidy,couldwetalkforamoment?”

I’mprettysureeveryounceofcolorleaksrightoutofmyfaceasIstareatherincompleteandutter

horror.I’drathergougemyowneyesoutthanhaveaprivateconversationwithCole’smom.Which

doesn’texactlybodewellformyrelationshipwithCole.

“Hey,Docs.”

Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeensodamnhappytoseeAustininmylife.Iwanttojumpintohisarmsand

kisshimsenseless.GlancingoutofthecornerofmyeyeatBrooklyn,Idecidethat’sprobablynotagood

idea.

Thomasclapshimontheshoulderandtellshimthatitwasatoughgame.Therestofusallagree

vehemently.BrooklynstudiouslyavoidsAustin’seyes.SoapparentlynotmuchhaschangedsinceIlast

sawthem.

Atthispoint,I’mdesperatelytryingtocomeupwithaplausibleexcusesowecanmakeahasty

getaway.Unfortunately,Guggenheimisn’tgoingtoworkinthissituation.I’mactuallystartingtosweat

withnerves.

Whichisnotgood.

“Where’sCole?”SomeoneasksandasIglanceup,IrealizethatJackiehasnowjoinedthegroup,

whichonlyratchetsuptheawkwardfactor.

Austinseemsblissfullyunawareofallthetensionswirlingaroundus,butIsuspectthat’sbecausehis

entirefocusiscenteredonBrooklyn.Evenwhenhe’stalkingwithCole’sstepfather,it’sobviousthathe’s

gotoneeyeonherasifshemighttrytomakeabreakforit.

Which,inallhonesty,shejustmight.

“Coachwantedtoreamhis-”Austin’seyescatchDr.Thompson’sbeforehesuddenlystarts

backtracking,“er,talkprivatelywithhim,soIwouldn’tbeexpectinghimanytimesoon.”

Well…there’snowayinhellI’mstickingaroundtowaitwithhisparentsandex-girlfriend.Maybe

it’sbettertoletthiswholethingsettleandtalkinthemorning.

EventhoughIknowBrooklynwillprobablyendupkillingme,Idon’tseeanyotherchoiceinthe

matter.“Austin,wouldyouminddroppingBrookandmeoffatthedorms?”

HiseyesslidetoBrooklynjustashernarrowedonesarrowstraighttomine.Well,it’snotlikeI

wasn’texpectingit.

“Noproblem.Youreadytotakeoff?”

Yeah…morethanready.

InodbeforeturningtoCole’sparents.“Itwasreallygreatseeingyouagain.”Big.Fat.Lie.Ittakes

everythingIhavetoholdthetightsmilefirmlyinplace.

TheedgesofDr.Thompson’slipsslideupaswell.Strangelyenough,hersmilelooksverymuchlike

thewarmonessheusedtogivemeinheroffice.Thatonlymakesmewonderifallthegenuinenessand

caringIalwaysfeltfromherwasnothingmorethanashtickshetrottedoutforherclients.

Cole’sstepfatherbeamsatmebeforesteppingforwardandenvelopingmeinabig,unexpectedhug.I

canonlystandtherestifflyuntilitendsandI’mabletoputsomedistancebetweenus.Iliterallyholdmy

breathuntilthethreeofuscleartheslidingdoorsoftheicearena.Theridebacktothedormsisasilent

one.Noneofusseemveryinterestedinmakingidleconversation.AsIstareoutthewindow,Iwonder

howI’mgoingtofixthismesswithCole.

WhenwefinallypulluptoWashingtonHall,IthankAustinbeforequicklygettingoutofthecar.

BrooklynholdsmyeyesasIwaitforhertojoinmeonthesidewalkbutshedoesn’tmakeamoveto

leave.“I’m,ah,”herwordsactuallyfalter,“goingbacktoAustin’stonight,sodon’twaitup.”

I’mnotaltogethersurprisedbythis,especiallysinceBrooklynhasfinallyadmittedhertruefeelings

forAustin.AndifI’mnotmistaken,herfeelingsrunmuchdeeperthannotbeingabletoscrewhimoutof

hersystemeither.IthinkAustinisthefirstguytoeversneakpastherninja-likedefensesandshedoesn’t

quiteknowhowtohandlethat.

Nodding,IhurrytowardsthedormasBrooklynandAustintakeoff.IkindofwishBrooklynhad

comehomewithmetonightbecauseIreallyneedsomeonetotalkwithrightnow.Twentyminuteslater,

myfaceisfreshlyscrubbedandI’vejustpulledonapairofwell-wornyogapantsandatanktopwhenmy

phonechimeswithanincomingtextmessage.

Weneedtotalk.CanIcomeup?

It’sthosefirstfourlittlewordsthathavemyheartstutteringtoacompletestandstill.

ChapterSeventeen

Takingadeepbreath,mythumbhoversnervouslyoverthescreenofmyphone.I’mscared.Scared

toseehim.Scaredtohearwhathehastosay…butIknowhe’sright.Weneedtotalkaboutwhat’sgoing

onbetweenus.

Ok

Twoletters.That’sallItypebeforehittingsend.Eventhoughourroomistiny,Inervouslypacethe

floorasIwait.Itonlytakesafewminutesbeforehe’sknockingsoftlyonmydoor.

“Hi.”Hehasn’tevensteppedintomyroomandalreadyeverythingfeelsdifferentbetweenus.

Hegivesmeaquicknodasthosegoldenwhiskeycoloredeyesofhiscollidewithmine.Astheydo,

IswiftlyrealizethatwhateverishappeningbetweenusismuchworsethanIoriginallysuspected.Cole

standsbeforemewithhishandsshoveddeeplyintothefrontpocketsofhisjeans.He’swearinga

WesternWolvessweatshirtwiththehoodpulleduparoundhishead.There’sanunhappyslanttohislips

thatI’veneverseenbefore.

“Ithoughtweshouldtalkinperson,”hefinallysaysbeforepushingthehoodback.Hishairisstill

shinyanddampfromhisrecentshower.AndIwantnothingmorethantoslidemyfingersthroughall

thosethicklocksbutIdon’t.

Can’t.

“Um,yeah,that’sprobablyagoodidea.”

Althoughitdoesn’tfeellikeagoodideaatthemoment.Infact,itfeelslikethiscouldbetheendof

us.I…Ican’tbelieveI’meventhinkingthat.Notknowingwhatelsetodo,Islowlylowermyselfdown

ontomybedashetakesaseatacrossfrommeonBrooklyn’s.Withhiskneesangledapart,herestshis

forearmsonthem.Hishandsareknottedinfrontofhimandforalongmomenthejuststaresatthem

silentlyasiftherearetoomanythoughtschurningawayinhishead.

“Cole?”IfinallywhisperhisnamebecauseIcanseetheunhappinessfillingeverynuanceofhis

gorgeousfaceanditkillsme.Whathurtsmostisthatithaseverythingtodowithme.AllIwanttodois

reachoutandtraceeverycontourofhisface.Iwanttosmoothawayallthehurtandangerfillinghis

beautifuleyes.

ButIdon’t.

Itsuddenlyfeelsasifthereisanoceanofuncertaintysittingbetweenus.AndIcan’tbringmyselfto

reachoutandcrossit.

Finallyhedragshisbruisedeyesuptomine.Adullacheripsthroughmebecauseit’sthefirsttime

I’veeverfeltlikehedidn’twanttolookatme.Inhalingadeepbreath,heholdsitforabeatortwobefore

slowlypushingitbackout.Hiseyesneverleavemine.“Idon’tlikeplayinggames,Cassidy.It’snot

whoIam.”

InodbecauseColeisoneofthefewpeopleI’veevermetwhodoesn’tengageinallthatimmature

bullshit.WhichisjustanotherreasonIfellsohardforhim.Hewassoupfrontabouteverythinghewas

feelingandwhathewanted.Whichwasme.Itwasasrefreshingasitwasscary.Andeventhoughit

tookmesometimetotrusthimwiththetruthofmypast,eventuallyIdid.Thatwasahugestepforme.I

don’ttrustpeopleeasily.Notanymore,Idon’t.

ThathaseverythingtodowithColeandthekindofpersonheis.Icouldn’thavetakenthatleapof

faithwithanyoneelsebuthim.Irealizethatevenifhedoesn’t.

“AndIcan’tbewithsomeonewho’sgoingtoplaygameswithme.”

Myeyeswidenwithshockaseverythinginmyworldsuddenlytiltsprecariously.It’salmostasifI

can’tsuckinenoughoxygen.BarelyamIevenabletosqueakoutthewords.“I’m-I’mnotplaying

games.”

Hetakesanotherdeepbreathbeforecontinuing.“Ithinkthere’ssomethinggoingonbetweenyouand

Luke.”

Ishakemyheadindenialbeforethewordsareabletotumbleoffmylips.“No.We’rejustfriends.

Youknowthat,Cole.”

Rippinghiseyesfromme,hestaresoutthewindowintotheswirlingdarknessforalongpainful

heartbeat.Finallyhesays,“Idon’tknow…itjustfeelslikesomething’sgoingonbetweenyoutwoandI

don’twanttobethedumbassthatgetscheatedonagain.”

Leaningforward,mybodystrainsunconsciouslytowardshis.“We’renothingmorethanfriends.I

honestlydidn’tknowhewouldbeatthelibrarytoday.Itwasjustacoincidence.”Istareathim

pleadinglyuntilhisgazefinallyslidesbacktomine.

“Butyouweren’tgoingtotellmeaboutit,wereyou?”It’smoreofanaccusationthanaquestion.

ClosingmyeyesforjustamomentIthinkabouthowtobestanswerhisquestionbecauseIoweitto

bothofustobehonestaboutwhatIfeel,notonlyforColebutforLukeaswell.

Soit’sslowlythatIadmit,“I’mnotsureifIwouldhavetoldyouaboutmeetingLukeatthelibrary.”I

pauselongenoughtoseehurtanddistrustflaretolifewithinhisbeautifulgoldendepths.“Butit’snot

becauseIwasdoingsomethingwrong.”

“Thenwhy?”Hiseyessiftthroughminesearchingforanswers.“Whynotjustbestraightwithme?I

can’tbeinarelationshipifit’snotopenandhonest.”

Bitingdownonmylip,Ifinallyconfessinaverysmallvoice,“BecauseIknowyoudon’tlikewhenI

spendtimewithLuke.”EventhoughIwantnothingmorethantoreachouttohim,tophysicallyconnect

withhim,Ikeepmyfingerstangledpainfullyinmylap.It’soneofthehardestthingsI’veeverhadtodo.

Clearinghisthroat,hiseyesneveroncereleasemine.“Youneedtobehonestwithme,Cassidy.”He

inhalesanotherdeepbreathbeforeslowlypushingoutthewords.“DoyouhavefeelingsforLuke?”

AsmuchasIwanttoimmediatelyshootdownwhathe’ssuggesting…Idon’t.Can’t.BecauseIwant

tobesomeoneworthyofColeMathews.Andbeingworthyofhimmeansbeinghonesteventhoughit

mightbepainful.AndsoItakeamomenttoslowlysiftthroughmyfeelingsforLukebeforeIanswer.

“Ifeelveryconnectedtohim,”Ifinallywhisper.HeblowsoutanotherlongbreathasIcontinue,“he

helpedmewhennooneelsewouldandIjustcan’tletthatgo.Iknowhefeelsthesamewayaboutme.

We’refriends.Nothingmore.”

Heleansforwardasifhisbodyisunconsciouslystrainingtowardsmine.Likewe’retwoopposing

endsofamagnetdesperatelytryingtoconnectwithoneanother.“Youknowthathewantsyou,right?”

EventhoughIwanttoshiftmyeyesfromhisintenselyprobingones,Idon’t.“Yes.Hetoldmethat

hefeelsmorethanfriendshipforme.”

Colesnortsbeforeabruptlyshakinghisheadindisgust.“Heknewweweretogetherwhenhetold

youthat.”

“Yes,”Iadmitquietly.

Hiswords,whentheyfinallycome,aretightlyclipped.“So,ishetryingtostealyouawayfromme

orishejustwaitingoutourrelationship?”

Notunderstandingthequestion,Iask,“Doesitmatter?WhatwehavehasnothingtodowithLuke.It

shouldn’tmatterwhathewants.Allthatmattersisthatyoutrustme.”

Lookingfrustrated,heplowshisfingersthroughhisdamphair.“Jesus,Cassidy,it’snotthateasy.

Lukeismyteammateandhe’smorethanwillingtoscrewmeoverinordertohaveyou.HowamI

supposedtotrusthimbothonandofftheice?”Hedoesn’tgivemeanytimetoanswer.“Ijustcan’tdo

it.”

Hesuddenlylooksverytired…

“Anditdoesn’tfeellikeIcantrustyoutotellmethetrutheither.Becauseyoucouldhavetoldme

thatyoutwoweretogetherandyouchosenotto.”

Myheartfluttersbeforebeatingquicklyintoovertime.“I-Ididn’twanttoupsetyou,”Isayalmost

pleadingly.Butitsoundsbad,eventomyownears.Imadethewrongchoice.Ishouldhavebeenupfront

withColeandIchosenottobe.

AndnowitlookslikeImightlosehimbecauseofit.

Againhedragshishandthroughallthosedeepchocolatecoloredlocks.HelooksasmiserableasI

feel.“Ifhehadn’tcomeoutofthelibrarywithyournotebook,youwouldn’thavetoldmethatyoutwo

spenttimetogether,”hepausesbeforeadding,“andthat’swhatbothersmemost.Idon’tknowifthisis

thefirsttimethishashappenedorifyou’rejustnottellingmebecausethere’sactuallysomethinggoingon

betweenyoutwo.”

AhotrushoftearsinstantlyfillsmyeyesasIquicklyshakemyhead.“Nothingisgoingonbetween

us.Iwouldnevercheatonyou.”

“Yeahwell,unfortunatelysomeoneItrustedsaidthoseverywordstomeandI’mnotabouttoletit

happenagain.”Hiseyesdroptohisfingerswhicharenowsecuredtightlyinfrontofhim.“IthinkLuke

beingtheonetosaveyouthatnighthasmessedwithyourheadandyoueitherfeelbeholdentohimoryou

reallyhavefeelingsthataredeeperthanfriendship.”Hepausesashishollowedouteyescutbackto

mine.“Ithinkyouneedtofigurethatoutwithoutworryingaboutme.”

WhenIstartshakingmyhead,heabruptlygetstohisfeet.Onceagainheshoveshishandsdeepinto

hispockets.Ican’thelpbutscrambletomyfeet.EventhoughIhateputtingmyselfoutthere,Itakea

tentativesteptowardshim.WhatIreallywantistohurtlemyselfintohisarms.Iwanttofeelthem

bandingaroundme,holdingmetightlytohim.

Neverlettingmego.

“Iloveyou.Youhavetoknowthatyou’retheoneIwanttobewith.”AsIsaythewords,Iknow

they’retrue.Ifeelthemdeepinmyheart.Thefactthathefeelslikehecan’ttrustmeripsmeapart

inside.Ican’thelpbutwonderifmaybe,withoutrealizingit,I’vesentLukethewrongmessage.DidI

somehowlethimthinktherewouldbe,atsomepoint,anopportunityforustobemorethanjustfriends?

MaybeIdid.

Ijustdon’tknow.

“Cole,please…”Idon’tknowwhatI’mbeggingfor.Forgiveness?Forhimtogivemeanother

chancetoprovethathe’stheoneIlove?

Thewayheshakeshisheadleavesmyhearttripping.“LookCassidy,Ithinkwebothneedtotake

sometimetofigurethingsout.Whathappenedoutthereontheice,”hiswordstrailoffashelooksaway.

Hisfacecolorswithahotstainofembarrassment.“Ican’tallowthattoeverhappenagain.That’snotthe

kindofplayerIam.”Heamendssoftly,“It’snotthekindofpersonIam.”

MyvoiceisstrangledwhenIfinallysay,“Iknowthat.”IknowexactlywhoColeMathewsis.And

itkillsmetothinkthatsomehowI’vecausedthistounfoldbetweenus.

Henods.“Everythinghappenedreallyfast.Maybe…maybeIpushedyoutoofar…Idon’tknow

anymore.”

AgainIshakemyhead.“No,that’snotit.”Myvoiceissothickwithunspentemotionthatitfeelsas

ifI’mallbutchokingonit.

Beforethewordsevenleavehismouth,hemoveshastilytowardsthedoor.“Ineedtotakeastep

backandclearmyhead.Ithinkwebothdo.”

MyshouldersslumpbecauseIsuddenlyrealizethatnothingIsayisgoingtochangehismind.Ina

way,thisdoesn’tsurprisemebecausehe’sjustbeinghonestandhe’sdoingwhathethinksisbest,notonly

forhimself,butformeaswell.

“Is…isthisitthen?”

NomatterhowhardItry,Isimplycan’twrapmylipsaroundthewords-breakup.I’mtryingso

damnhardtokeepitalltogetherandifIsaythosetwolittlewords,thetearsprickingthebackofmyeyes

aregoingtostartfalling.AndIdon’tthinkIcouldbeartohearhimsaythemeither.Idon’twanthimto

tellmethatwe’reover.Thathe’smovingonwithhislifeandIneedtodothesame.

IthinkabouttheemptyshellofapersonIwasbeforeImethim.Justgoingthroughthemotions.

Scaredofgettingtooclose.Afraidoflettingsomeonegettoknowtherealme.Themewhofuckedup

andmadeahugemessoutofherlife.

GodbutIdon’twanttogobacktothatagain.

“IfyouhavefeelingsforLuke,youneedtoexplorethem.Youoweittoyourselftobeina

relationshipwiththepersonyoutrulywant.”

Swallowingthickly,heslowlyreacheshishandouttowardsme,towardsmycheek,butthenpullsit

backattheverylastmoment.“Webothneedtotakesometimetofigureoutwhatwewant.”

IbitedownalmostsavagelyonmylowerlipsothatIwon’tbreakdownandbeghimnottodothis.

Unabletospeak,Ijerkmyheadintoatightnod.Eventhoughit’sasmallmovement,ittakesaherculean

effort.

JustasIdo,hisarmsnakesout,haulingmetohimuntilI’mflushagainsthishardimmovablebody.

Hisgoldeneyesscourminerightbeforehislipscrashdown,draggingmeunderwithhim.Andforjust

onebriefblissfulmoment,I’mconsumedwithhim.He’sallItaste.AllIfeel.JustasI’msinkingintohis

caress,hesuddenlywrencheshimselfaway.

Withonelastsoulfullook,heleavesmyroom.Whenthedoorfinallyclosesbehindhim,softly

clickingintoplace,mykneesbuckleandIcollapseontothebedbecauseIjustletthebestthinginmylife

walkoutthedoor.

ChapterEighteen

“Cass,Iknowyou’rehurting.Trustme,Ido.Butyouhavetosnapoutofit.”Brooklynshootsmea

concernedglanceaswecontinuewalkingbeforeadding,“You’rebeginningtoscareme.”

Snapoutofit.

IfonlyIcould…

Ifonlyitwerethateasy.

ItfeelslikeI’vebeensleepwalkingthroughathick,densefogforthepasttendays.Otherthan

breakingupwithCole,Idon’tthinkIcouldtellyouwhatelsehappened.Andeverythinghassuffered

becauseofit.

IkeeptellingmyselfthatIhavetopullittogether.BecausethereisnowayIcanfailoutofschool

again.EspeciallynowthatI’mjuststartingtomakeprogresswithmyparents.Meetingwiththemlast

weekandhavingeverythinggosmoothlywastheonlybrightspotinanotherwisecrapweek.

Well,acraptendays,tobeexact.

IfI’dheldoutevenatinyscrapofhopethatthiswholethingwithColewasjustgoingtoblowover,

thathopehasbeenfullyextinguished.I’vebarelyseenhim.Therehasn’tbeenonesingletextorcall

exchangedbetweenus.He’sprettymuchdisappearedfrommylifeasifhewereneverreallyapartofit.

Andeventhoughwestillhavepsychology201togethereveryMonday,Wednesday,andFriday,henow

slidesintothebackofthelecturehallnexttohiscousin,Sammy.

“I’mfine.Everythingisfine.”

That’smynewmantra.

ButIdon’tthinkit’sworking.OtherwiseIwouldn’tbesuchamess.

It’sallIcandotohoistthecornersofmymouthintosomethingthathopefullyresemblesananemic

lookingsmile.ForthepastweekandahalfallI’vebeendoingisgoingthroughthemotions.It’sjust

easierthatway.I’dliketothinkthatI’mgettingprettygoodatit.

Ornot…

Withalmostayearoftherapyundermybelt,I’velearnedhowimportantitistotalkaboutyour

feelings,generateaplan,andfaceyourproblemsheadon.Well…Inowrememberhowmucheasieritis

tocurlupintoatightballinthecornerandignorethepainthatallbutthrobsthrougheverysingleporeof

yourbody.

Becauseeverythinghurts.

Everythingfeelstender.

Likeanopensorethatrefusestoheal.

It’sasifI’mbacktosquareoneagaininthehealingprocess.Whichsucksmajorass,tobequite

honest.

Onthebrightside,atleastI’mnothavinganxietyissues.That’saboutthebestIcansayatthispoint.

Brooklynsnortsaswecontinuedownoneofthecementwalkwaysthatwindthemselvesthroughthe

rollinghillsofWestern’scampus.BothBrooklynandIarebundledupinthickwinterjacketswithour

hatspulledlowoverourearstoprotectthemfromtheicycoldwindsthatblowthroughleaflesstreesand

aroundsquatstonebuildings.Tomakemattersworse,wehadourfirstsnowfalltheotherdaywhich

madeeverythingfeelevenmoredepressing.

“Cassidy,youaresofarfromfinethatit’snotevenfunny.”Shepausesforalongsilentmoment

beforeaddinginaserioustone,“I’mworriedaboutyou.”

Idon’tbotherarguingwithherbecausetheeffortseemswaytoobothersomeatthispoint.Andthen

there’sthefactthatshejustsohappenstobespotoninherassessmentofthesituation.

I’mnotfine.

Worse-IhavenoideawhenI’mgoingtobefineeveragain.

I’mdoingsopoorlythatI’veactuallykickedaroundtheideaofsittingdownwithDr.Thompson…

butIjustdon’tthinkIcanfaceher.Brooklynslingsanarmaroundmyshoulderbeforehaulingmeclose

aswetrudgetoournineo’clockclasses.

Asmallsmiletipsonecornerofhermouthupasshesays,“Whowouldhaveeverthoughtthatwe’d

behavingsomanypenisproblems.”

Shakingmyhead,Ilaughbutit’smoreofapathetichollowedoutversion.“JesusChrist,Brook,we

don’thaveproblemswithpenises.”

Heranswersoundsdeeplyspeculativeasifshe’sseriouslygiventhistopicagreatdealofthought.

Butthenagain,sinceitinvolvespenises,shejustmighthave.“Sureweare.Penisesusuallyareatthe

rootofeverygirl’sproblem.”

Irollmyeyesbeforesighing.“WellColeandhispeniswon’teventalktomeandyouandAustin’s

penisarenothingmorethan-”

“Fuckbuddies?”Shesupplieswithabrightsmile.

Isputteroutachokingsound.“Thatwasn’texactlyhowIwasgoingtodescribeitbutsure,we’lljust

gowiththat.”There’samomentofsilencebetweenuswhenIthinkwe’rebothdwellingonourpenis

problems.“So,how’sthatsituationworkingoutforyou?”

Sheshrugs.“It’snot.Thewholesleeping-with-him-to-lose-interest-in-himstrategyhasn’texactly

beengoingasplanned.”

Iraiseabrownotatallstunnedbyherpronouncement.AlthoughIamamazedshe’sadmitting

defeat.“No?That’ssosurprising.Imean,yourplanhadfoolproofwrittenalloverit.”

Shegivesmealittleshove.“Oh,shutup.”

Iactuallychuckleinresponse.Althoughitsoundsabitrustyaroundtheedges.

Glancingoverather,Iask,“Sodoesthatmeanyou’regoingtofinallyputanendtoallthishooking

upbusiness?”

Scrunchingupherbrows,shegivesmethat-are-you-off-your-fucking-rockerlook.Ahhh,it’salook

Iknowwell.Thisishardlythefirsttimeshe’scastitinmydirection.Anditwon’tbethelasteither.

“Whatkindofquestionisthat?OfcourseI’mgoingtokeepknockingbootswithhim.He’sfreaking

phenomenalinbed.”Shetugsmecloseruntilshecanwhisperinmyear,“AndwhenIsayphenomenal

whatIreallymeanisfreakingamazing.RememberwhenImentionedwhathecoulddowiththattongue

ofhis?”

“Yes,”Ilaugh,“IdoandIdon’twanttohearaboutitagain.Thefirsttimewasscarringenough.”

Sherollshermossygreeneyes.“Ohwhatever.”

Plus…Ikindofdon’twanttorememberallthedeliciouswaysColeuseshistonguebecausethe

thoughtofhimdoingthatwithanothergirl(orgodforbid-plural)makesmesicktomystomach.

IsthatwhyIhaven’theardfromhim?

Hashealreadygottentogetherwithsomeoneelse?

HashedecidedtogiveJackieasecondchance?

Idon’tknowandI’mnotbraveenoughtoreachoutandask.

Forwhateverreason,Brooklyndecidestobringourconversationfullcircle,which,quitehonestly,I

coulddowithout.Thereisnothingshecansaythatwillmakemefeelanybetter.“Listen,Cass,Iknow

you’rereallyhurtingoverthewholeColesituationandIwishIcouldtellyouthateverythingwasgoingto

workoutintheendbutneitheroneofusknowswhat’sgoingtohappen.WhatIdoknowisthatyou’ve

workedwaytoohardgettingyourassbackintocollegetoletitallfalltoshitoversomeguy.”

Ouch…Ialmostwinceatherharshwords.Coleisn’tjustsomerandomdudeIgotmixedupwith.

Hemeanssomuchmorethanthat.

Shepausesforjustamomentasifdebatingwhetherornottoaddthelastkickintheass.Buthere’s

whatI’vecometorealizeaboutBrooklyn-she’saseriouschampwhenitcomestogivingtoughlove.

She’snotafraidtolayitalloutthere.

“Youweretogetheronandoffsincewhat?Mid-September?Iknowyoureallycareabouthimbutit

hasn’tbeenallthatlong.Andifhewasjustwillingtowalkawayfromyoulikethat…thenmaybehe’s

nottheguyeitheroneofusthoughthewas.”SheeyesmeasiftogaugehowwellI’mtakingthebitchslap

she’sjustbackhandedmewith.AndbecauseI’mnotbawling…yet,sheadds,“YouknowwhatI’m

sayingistrue.MaybeColereallyisaclosetdouchebag.”

Yes,herwordsgivemewhiplashbutthatdoesn’tnecessarilymeantheyaren’ttrue.Well,notthe

douchebagpart.ColeisthefarthestthingfromaD-bag.

Eventhoughit’sextremelypainful,Islowlywrapmylipsaroundthewordsbeforeforcingthemout.

“Iknow.Andyoudon’thavetoworry.I’mnotgoingtothroweverythingI’vebeenworkingtowards

away.WhetherI’mwithColeornot,IhavetofocusonthereasonI’mhereatschool.”Isuckinanother

deepbreathprayingthatthewordsI’mabouttoutterarethetruthbecauseatthispoint,theydon’tfeellike

it.“I’llbeokay.Iwill.”

Herbrightgreeneyessiftcarefullythroughmine.“Yeah,”shefinallysays,“Ithinkyouwillbe…

eventually.”

“Webothwill,”Imurmur.Eventhoughmyeyesarefocusedonthepathaheadofme,onthepeople

walkingpastus,Idon’treallyseeanyofit.It’sallablurbecauseI’moperatingonautopilot.

“Soareyougoingtoreachouttohim?”

Ishrug.“Hedoesn’twanttoseeortalktomerightnowandIfeellikeIshouldrespectthat

decision.”

Slowlyshenodsherhead.“Yeah,there’snothingworsethanbeingreducedtoastalker.”

Myvoiceflattens.“Iamnotgoingintostalkermode.”EvenifIdokindofwanttostalkhim.Justa

tinylittlebit.ButthatwouldmeanjackhammeringdowntoawholenewlevelofpatheticandI’mnot

readytodothat.

Yet.

ThetroubleisthatImissthehelloutofCole.Imisshoweasyheistobearound.Howmuchfunwe

havehangingout.Imisstalkingwithhim.Imissseeingthewayhelooksatme.Imissbeingheldinhis

armsorlyingacrosshisbarechestafterwemakelove.

Thewayhejustdroppedoutofmylifefeels…devastating.It’slikesomeoneblastedamassivehole

inmyexistenceandnowI’mleftwithnothing.EventhoughIhavealotgoingonwithclasses,tutoring,

andthehockeyteam,there’sjustahugegapingholewhereourfriendshipusedtobe.

Itfeelsveryempty.

“AndLuke?”

“We’rejustfriends.”ImissColewaytoomuchtojuststarthookingupwithsomeoneelseandeven

thoughColethoughtIshouldexploremyfeelingsforLuke,that’snotsomethingI’mreadytodo.

Shelooksjustthetiniestbitskepticalbutdoesn’tcallmeonit.Well,notcompletely.“Youtwohave

beenhangingoutquiteabit.”

“Butthat’sallwe’vebeendoing,Brook.I,”mywordstrailoffaswereachthesocialsciences

buildingandIcatchaglimpseofColewalkingtowardsit.

Lookingquestioninglyatme,Brooklynstopsasmyfeetunconsciouslygrindtoahalt.AllIcandois

stare.

“Cass?”

ButI’munabletogenerateenoughthoughtstoevenformulatearesponseatthispoint.Myeyesare

allbutcrawlingoverhimasanewsurgeofsadnessandheartachetearthroughme.Allofthepainand

griefI’vebeendesperatelytryingtokeepbottledupinsidesuddenlyfloodsthrougheverysingleporeof

mybodymakingeverythingfeeltenderandrawagain.

Ijustwanthimback.

“Who’sthegirl?”

LeaveittoBrooklyntocutthroughallthesuperfluousbullshitandgetrightdowntobusiness.I’ve

beenwaytoobusyeatinghimupwithmyeyestonoticetheprettylittleblondehe’swalkingwith.

Andtalkingto.

Andsmilingat.

Justkillmenowandenditalready.Becauseatthispointit’sgoingtotakewaytoolongformeto

bleedoutandfinallydie.

“Idon’tknow,”Ianswer.ThenIshrugbeforehoistingmybestsadbastardsmile.WhichIthinkI’ve

prettymuchperfectedoverthepastcoupleofdays.

“Ohgod,”shemuttersdarkly,“pleasedon’ttrotoutthesadbastardsmile.Anythingbutthesad

bastardsmile.Can’tyoudoanybetterthanthat?”

Ignoringher,Igivevoicetothethoughtsthatkeeploopingincessantlythroughmyhead.“It’snotmy

businesswhohespendstimewith.”ThosewordshurtlikehellasIforcethemout.MaybeifIsaythem

enoughtimes,I’llfinallypoundthetruththroughmythickskullandmoveonlikeheapparentlyhas.

“We’renottogetheranymore.”

Myfingersrubatthespotovermyheartbecausesayingthosewordsoutloudhurts.It’sanactual

physicalpainthatconstrictsmyheart.

Brooklynpullsmetooherbeforesqueezingtightasifshe’stryingtoforcealltheairoutofme.Or

maybeallthepainandsadness.“It’llbeokay.”Shepausesbeforeaddingwithagroan,“I’vegottohustle

otherwiseI’mgoingtobelate.”Makingaridiculousface,shecrosseshereyes.“Andyouknowhow

muchIwouldseriouslyhatetomissonesingleunintelligiblewordofProfessorLing’sCalcIIlecture.”

IforcemylipsintoathinsmilebecauseIknowthat’swhatshewantstosee.“Okay.Catchyoulater

fordinner?”

“Definitely,”shetossesthewordoverhershoulderasshestartsjoggingtowardsthemathematics

buildingwhichisatleastablockaway.

Gatheringmycourage,IslowlytrudgemywayintoDorinHallandthentowardsthefirstfloorlecture

hallwherepsych201takesplace.Colehasthrownmeofftodaybecausehenormallyslinksinright

beforeclassstartsandI’malwaysinmyseatwhenhearrives.Morethanhalfthetime,Idon’tevencatch

aglimpseofhimbecauseItrynottoturnaround.Idon’tneedtolookanymoretragicthanIalreadyfeel

bystaringathimlikesomepatheticstalker-type-chickwhocan’tmoveon.

Workingupmycourage,Ipausebeforethelecturehalldoorsnotreallywantingtopullthemopen.I

don’twanttoseehimandIcertainlydon’twanttoseehimsittingwiththegirlhewalkedintoclasswith.

Idon’tneedanymoreconfirmationthathe’smovedonwithhislifewhileI’mstuckfeelingdepressed

overthesuddendemiseofourrelationship.

Placingmyhandonthedoor,Iquicklyremindmyselftokeepmyeyestrainedstraightinfrontofme.

Nostrayingtotheleftorright.NoseekingColeout.JustasI’mabouttoopenthedoors,someone

reachesaround,pullingthehandleforme.Icanfeeltheheatoftheirbodydirectlybehindme.Startled,

myheadwhipsaroundasmyeyescollidewithhisgoldenwhiskeycoloredones.

“Cole,”Ibreathesoftlyasatinytingleofpleasurecareensunexpectedlythroughme.

“Hi,Cassidy.”Hismurmuredwordsmatchmineinsoftness.Hisbeautifuleyesholdmineforjusta

heartbeat.BeforeI’mabletoeveninhaleabreath,themomentisoverandIrealizethatotherstudentsare

startingtopileupbehindus.

HeholdsthedooropenasIcontinuestaringupathimlikesomelovesickpuppydog.Iseriously

can’thelpbutdrinkhimin.Myfingersitchtoplowtheirwaythroughthosetousledlocksofhis.Instead

ofdoingthat,ItightenmyhandintoafistsothatIwon’tbetemptedtoreachoutandtouchhimlikeIso

desperatelywantto.

GodbutI’vemissedhim.

It’salmostpainfultogazeintothosebeautifulgoldeneyesofhis.DidIeverrealizejusthow

mesmerizingtheywereintheirintensity?ForjustamomentitfeelsasifI’mdrowninginthem.

Shakingmyselfoutoftheratherembarrassingtrancethathasfallenoverme,Ifinallystepthroughthe

doorhe’sholdingopen.

Clearingmysuddenlydrythroat,Ifinallywhisper,“Thankyou.”

Hiseyescontinueholdingminebeforehereplies,“Noproblem.”

AsIwalkdownthethinlycarpetedsteps,Ifeelhisbigbodymovingbehindme.Hopeflarestolife

withinmeandIcan’thelpbutwonderifhe’llsitnexttometoday.Havewesomehowturnedacornerin

ourpracticallynonexistentrelationship?

IwishIhadthecouragetoaskthesequestions,butIdon’t.

“Cassidy?”

Spinningaround,Ifindhimstandingonthesteprightaboveme.It’salsothesamerowthatSammy,

hiscousin,isparkedin.Oureyeslockandholdbeforehefinallysays,“Ifyou’renotbusy,doyouwantto

grabsomelunchthisafternoon?”

Ahugesmilefightstobreakoutacrossmyface,butIkeepitcontained.Eventhoughitfeelslike

we’removingintherightdirection,himaskingmeoutforlunchdoesn’tnecessarilymeananything.

Allowingthecornersofmylipstocurveup,Icautiouslysay,“I’dreallylikethat.”

Asmallsmiletipstheedgesofhislipsinreturnbutit’sbynomeansafullblownsmile.Onethathas

thosegorgeousdimplesofhispeekingoutandImissthem.Awhell,whoamIkidding?ImissCole.I

misseverythingabouthim.

AndIwanthimback.

“Great.WanttomeetattheUnionaroundone?”

Myheartisthumpingsohard,Iwonderifhecanhearit.“Yeah,thatsoundsgood.I’llseeyou

there.”

Henodsbeforeslippingintotherowwithhiscousin.HesitantlyImeetSammy’seyes.Shesmiles

butmuchlikeCole,itisn’tfullblownbyanymeans.IhatethatmyrelationshipwithColehas

inadvertentlyaffectedmyfriendshipwithSammy.ButIguessthatisn’ttoosurprisingsincethey’resuper

close.

Andshedidwarnmeinthebeginningnottohurthim…

EventhoughSammyandIareteammatesandwe’retogetherthreeorfourtimesaweekpracticingand

playinggamesontheintramuralhockeyteam,wewerejuststartingtogettoknoweachother.

Andwiththewayshe’swatchingmerightnow,IcanonlyassumethatColehasfilledherinonour

breakup.Sammy’saprettyformidablechick.She’snotsomeoneIwanttohaveaproblemwith.

Plus,Ireallydolikeher.

Itdoesn’tescapemethatI’velostthepeopleIwasjuststartingtocountonaspartofmysupport

system.Cole.Dr.Thompson.AndnowSammy.

EventhoughIdomybesttoconcentrateonwhatprofessorMullensislecturingon,it’simpossible.

AllIcanthinkaboutismeetingColeforlunch.I’mdwellingonwhetherornotIshouldgetmyhopesup

orifmaybehe’sgoingtotellmethatwe’reofficiallythrough,thathe’sreadytomoveon.AndthatI

shoulddothesame.Mybellyclenchesatthethoughtofthosewordsspillingfromhislips.

Whentheprofessorfinallydismissesourclass,Ican’thelpbutblinkmyeyesasIlookdownatmy

notesrealizingthatI’veonlytakenhalfapageworth.UsuallyItypeaboutfourpages.Worse-Ihave

absolutelynoideawhatherlectureevencenteredon.

Great.

IseriouslyneedtopullmyheadoutofmyassbeforeIfailoutofschoolforasecondtime.

Andthistime,thereisnodoubtinmymindthatmyparentswouldactuallydisownme.

Huffingoutatiredbreath,Igatherupmybelongingsbeforemakingmywayoutofthelecturehall.

WhenIglanceovertowhereColeandSammyweresitting,theirseatsareempty.JustlikeIknewthey

wouldbe.

Asexpected,thenextthreehourspassbytorturouslyslow.

Ifindmyselfimpatientlyglancingdownatmyphoneeveryfiveminuteshopingthatit’stimetohead

overtotheUnion.Finally,whenIcan’tstanditamomentlonger,Idecidetoputmyselfoutofmymisery

bywalkingoverandgrabbingacoffeewhileIwait.

“Cassidy!”

Hearingmyname,IturntofindLukepushinghiswaythroughthecrowdtoreachme.There’sabig

smilelightinguphishandsomeface.

“Hi,Luke,”Imurmurbeforenippingmylowerlipwithmyteeth.Overthecourseofthepastweek

andahalf,we’vegottentobebetterfriends.Butstill…that’sallweare.

Fallingintostepnexttome,heasks,“YouheadingovertotheUnion?”

“Um,yeah.”ButIdon’tmentionthatI’mgrabbinglunchwithCole.Ijustwanttokeepittomyself

forthetimebeing.

BecauseI’vebeenspendingquiteabitoftimewithLuke,I’velearnedalotmoreabouthim.Like

howincrediblyeasyheistotalkwithandhowfunheistobearound.AndIprobablyshouldn’tsaythis,

butIkindoflikehowprotectiveheisofme.ThemoretimeIspendwithLuke,themoreattractiveIfind

him.Andit’snotthatIdidn’tthinkLukewasgoodlookingbefore…becauseIdid.ButIguesslatelyI’ve

beguntonoticejusthowhandsomeheiswithhisshortblondhair,chiseledcheekbones,andprettyblue-

grayhazeleyes.

He’sdefinitelyswoonworthy.

Andhe’sasuperniceguyontopofallthat.Itrusthim.Imean,howcouldInot?Hesavedmethat

night.

Thatbeingsaid,I’mstillnotreadytoexploreanyfeelingsImighthaveforhim.I’mnotcompletely

readytogiveuponCole.ThankfullyLukehasn’tpushedtheissueeither.Itmakesmerealizewhata

goodfriendhe’sturnedouttobe.

“Haveyoueatenlunchyet?”Heasks,breakingintothechaoticjumbleofmythoughts.

“No,Iwasgoingtograbsomethingnow.”

“Great.Wecanhavelunchtogether.”Heelbowsmegentlyintheribs.AndIcan’thelpbutsmilein

return.“Maybeyoucanhelpmewithsomecalcwhilewe’reatit.”Thehopefulexpressiononhisfaceis

seriouslyadorable.

EventhoughImaynotwantto,IknowIhavetotellhimwhyI’mreallyhereattheUnion.Feeling

suddenlyawkward,Iclearmythroatbeforeblurtingoutthewords.“I’mactuallygoingtomeetColefor

lunch.”

Oneofhisbrowshitchesatthatbitofinformation.HeknowsColeandIhaven’tspokenintendays

andhealsoknowsjusthowupsetI’vebeenaboutit.“Thisisanewdevelopment.”

Sincehedoesn’tsoundpissedoffaboutuspotentiallygettingbacktogether,itonlyreinforcesinmy

mindthatwereallyarejustfriends.SlowlyIletoutthebreathI’vebeenholding.“Yes.”

Hiseyesshiftawaybeforeheasks,“Areyoulookingtogetbacktogetherwithhim?”

Glancingbackoveratme,oureyeslock.“Ireallymisshim,Luke.”It’simportantformetobehonest

becauseIseemtogetmyselfintotroublewhenI’mnot.

“ThenIhopeeverythingworksoutbetweenyoutwo.”HiseyesholdmineandwithinthemIsee

nothingbutgenuinesincerity.

ImpulsivelyIgrabholdofhishandandsqueezeitaswecontinuewalking.“Thankyou.Ihopeso,

too.”

WhenwefinallyarriveatthedoorsoftheUnion,Lukepullsoneopenforme.Smiling,Ithankhim

beforewalkingthrough.EventhoughI’mearly,I’mmorethanawareofLukewalkingrightbesideme.

Luke’sfriendshipisthereasonColepulledawayinthefirstplace.ThelastthingIwantistoexacerbate

thesituationbybeingseenwithhim.

Glancingaroundquickly,Idon’tspotColeanywhere.Whichisahugerelief.

EventhoughIfeellikeacrappyfriend,Iwantthislunchtogosmoothly.Andsoit’sgentlythatIsay,

“Ifyoudon’tmind,I’mgoingtowaitforColealone.”

Thankfullyhedoesn’tlookhurtbymywords.“Okay.”Withasmiletippingthecornersofhislips

upward,heleansoverbeforesoftlypressingakissagainstmycheek.“Textmelaterandletmeknow

howitgoes.”

Gratefulforhisunderstanding,Ibeamasmileathim.Ihaven’tfeltthishopefulaboutusgettingback

togethersincewebrokeup.“Iwill.”

Notevenamomentlater,wesayourgoodbyesandthenhe’sgone,swallowedupbythethickcrowd.

TheUnionisthehubofactivityforthestudentsofWesternUniversity.Thereareaboutsixdifferent

restaurants,abookstore,abankandthenacoupleofdifferentplacestohangoutwithpooltables,

foosball,andairhockey.There’salwaysmusicplayingandsometimes,ontheweekends,theyhavelive

bands.

Turninginatightcircle,Iscanthedifferentcrowdsofstudentswhohavegatheredforlunch.And

that’swhenIspothimsittingonacouchwatchingme.Thebreathinstantlywhooshesoutofmylungsas

oureyescollide.ForalongmomentIfeelfrozeninplace.

IcantellbythelookonhisfacethathesawmewalkinwithLuke.Somethingpainfulsqueezesmy

heartbecauseitalreadyfeelsasifwe’reofftoarockystart.Inhalingadeepbreath,Igivehimasmall

smileandwavebeforeslowlymakingmywaytowardshim.

ItfeelsasifaheavycloudisweighingusdownandIhateit.Hatethatthisisnowthewayitis

betweenus.Ourfriendshipwasalwayssoeasy.EvenwhenIwasfightingmyattractiontohim,our

comraderywaseffortless.

Thisfeelsanythingbut.

“Hi.”

Sayingthewordtentatively,Inervouslywaitforhisresponse.I’mhalfafraidhe’sjustgoingtoget

upandwalkawayfromme.Butthankfullythatdoesn’thappen.Instead,asmallsmilespreadsacrosshis

face,tippingthecornersofhislipsheavenward.Hisdimplesaren’tshowingbutI’lltakeit.Itfeelsso

goodtobethisclosetohimagain.Eventhoughmyfingersitchtoreachoutandtouchhim,Idon’t.

Stillholdingmyeyes,hestandsbeforeextendinghishandtome.

MyheartleapsasIgingerlyplacemyhandinhislargerone.Energyflaresaswemakecontact.It’s

alwaysbeenlikethatbetweenus.Somethingflashesquicklyinhiseyesbuthedoesn’tcommentonit.

Insteadheclearshisthroatbeforeasking,“Sowhatareyouinthemoodfor?”

Honestly,Idon’tgiveacrapwhatweeat.Allthatmattersisthatwe’retogether.“Youdecide.”

HiseyesroamtheUnionrestaurants.ForjustamomentI’mabletodrinkhiminwhilehe’s

preoccupied.“Burgers?”

“Sure.”

Aswestandinline,thefledglingconversationbetweenussuddenlystalls.JustasI’mdesperately

rackingmybrainforsomethingtosay,Ihear-

“OhmyGod,Cole!”

“Wehaven’tseenyouinforever!Wherehaveyoubeenhiding?”

Twogigglinggirlsbouncetheirwayovertous.Neitheroneofthembothergivingmeasecond

glance.IshouldamendthatstatementbecauseIdon’tthinkIevergotafirstglance.Feelingstupid,I

quietlywatchashegivesthembothaneasysmile.“Whatareyoutwoupto?”

Theygivehimtheirbestmega-wattsmilesbeforeoneofthemsuppliesananswer.“Wejuststopped

byforlunch.We’vegotaclassattwo.”

Nottobeoutdone,theotheronesuddenlycutsin,“Hey,weheardyouguysarehavingahugeparty

thisweekend.Youneedtogiveusallthedetails!”

Henodshisheadbeforeslowlyscratchinghischin.Ican’ttellifhe’suncomfortableornot.Iknow

thatI’mfeelingprettydamnawkwardbythiswholeinteractionwhereapparentlyI’minvisible.

“Yeah,we’rehavingsomethingonSaturdaynight.Youshouldbothstopby,I’msureit’llbeagood

time.”

“Definitely!”

Oneofthemfinallyslantsalookmywaybeforeasking,“Isthisyourgirlfriend?”

Coledoesn’tevenglanceoveratmebeforeclearinghisthroat,“Thisismyfriend,Cassidy.”

RememberthatawkwardnessIwasjustreferringto?

Somuchworsenow.Iseriouslywanttomeltrightintothefloor.WasIreallysodelusionalasto

thinkweweregettingbacktogether?Yeah…Iwas.Obviouslythat’snotgoingtohappen.

Eventhoughitfeelsimpossible,Ipullmylipsupintoathinsmilebeforegivingahalfheartedlittle

waveofmyhand.“Hi.”

Thebrunettewithgorgeouslongwavyhairpointstoherself,“Hey,I’mVanessa.”Thenshecocksher

headtowardsherblondecounterpart.“AndthisisAndrea.We’reTaus.”

Mybrowsmustdrawtogetherinconfusionbecauseshequicklyelaborates.“AlphaSigmaTau,that

is.”

Ofcoursethey’resororitygirls.Ishouldhaveknown.Theyseemexactlylikethebubblyex-

cheerleadertypeswiththeirhugeboobsandtinylittlewaistsandthickglossyhair.Andlipsthatlooklike

theycouldsuckthechromerightoffabumper.

I’mreallyhopingColehasn’texperiencedeitheroneoftheirchromesuckingabilities.

Inhalingadeepbreath,Islowlyforceitoutagain.

Iseriouslyneedtosettle.

EventhoughIwoulddearlylovetopulloutallthatgorgeouslonghairoftheirs,Ihavetoremind

myselfthatIdon’t,technically,haveanythingagainstthesegirls.Infact,upuntilfiveminutesago,I

didn’tevenknowtheyexisted.

SinceIhavezeroclaimonCole,ashewasincrediblyquicktopointout,he’sfairgame.Whichis

exactlywhentheonenamedVanessaslowlystartsstrokinghersparklybluetalonsupanddownhis

forearmallthewhileeyefuckinghimrightinfrontofme.

Literally.

Rightinfrontofme.

LikeI’mnotevenhere.

Unabletostomachthesight,mygazeshiftstoAndreaandyeah,she’sgivinghimthecomehithereyes

aswell.

FortheloveofGod,it’soneo’clockonaWednesdayafternoon,people.Getafreakinggriponyour

hormones.

Thesetwoseriouslyputthehoinhormones…

Orwouldthatbethewhoreinhormones?

WhatIdon’tunderstandisiftheirmentalityis-maythebestwomanwinorifthey’rejustplanningto

sharethespoils(AKA-Cole).Themerethoughtofthembothgettingitonwithhimliterallymakesme

sicktomystomach.WhichispreciselywhenIdecidethatI’mnotstickingaroundherelikesomekindof

pervwatchingthesetwoslutbags(Brooklyn’sbadinfluence)rubupagainstColelikeacoupleofcatsin

heat.Andsincehe’snotdoingadamnthingtodetereitheroneofthemfromflirtingrightinfrontofmy

damnface,Itakethatasmycuetoleave.

Clearingmythroat,Iforcemyselftosaythewordsinacalmvoice,“Youknowwhat-Ithoughtlunch

wouldwork,butI’veactuallygottorun.”BeforeColecansayanything,Iturntothegorgeoussorority

girlsathisside.

Again,IhavetoremindmyselfthatIhaveabsolutelynobonetopickwiththem.

OhwhoamIkidding?

I’dlikenothingmorethantohauloffandbitchslapthepairofthemintonextweekwhereIcanthen

goandkicktheirassesalloveragain.InsteadIsmile.Itmaybegritted,butIcongratulatemyselfon

holdingittogether.“Itwasreallynicemeetingyoutwo,I’msureI’llseeyouaround.”

Theybothflashtheiruber-whiteidenticalsmilesbeforegushing,“Youtoo!”

AndthenI’mgone.

AsIhaulmyassoutofthere,IhearColecallmynamebutIdon’tbotherturningaround.Ican’tbear

towatchthosetwobigbreasted,poutylippedslutbagsfondlinghim.

Tomakemattersworse,Ifeelthehotstingoftearsburningthebackofmyeyes.ButI’llbedamnedif

Iletthemfall.I’vespentthelastweekandahalfmopingaround,mourningourrelationshipandit’sall

tooobviousthatI’mtheonlyonewhowashopingwecouldworkthingsout.IfColehadanyinterestin

gettingbacktogetherwithme,hewouldn’thaveletthosegirlshangalloverhim.

I’mdone.

Donebeingdepressed.

Donetrottingoutthesadbastardsmile.

ColeMathewscangotohellandtakethosesororitybimboswithhim.

Bigbreathin.Slowbreathout.

Alright,nowI’mdone.

ChapterNineteen

Cole

Wellshit.

Withmybrowsdrawntightlytogether,IwatchCassidyraceoutoftheUnionlikeshejustfoundoutI

haveeveryfreakingSTDunderthesunandI’maskingherforabignakedhug.

Ihavetoadmit,inmyheadIsawthiswhole-lunch-thingworkingoutalittledifferently.

Blowingoutafrustratedbreath,IturnmyirritatedattentionbacktoVanessaandAndreabefore

glaringatthepairofthem.“Seriously,whatdidyougoanddothatfor?”

Theybothcollapseintoafitofgiggles.“Becauseit’ssofunscrewingwiththesegirlswhowantto

getagreatbigtasteofCole.”

Irollmyeyes.“Yeah,well,Iwaskindofhopingtosmooththingsoverwiththatparticulargirl.Up

untilaboutaweekago,Iwasseeingher.”

Vanessa’seyesgrowroundassheshootsherfriendalook.“Thenmaybeyoushouldhavesaid

somethinginsteadoflettingmepawyoulikethatinfrontofher.”

Andrealinksanarmthroughherfriend’s,immediatelytakingupVanessa’sside.“Yeah,Cole.We

justthoughtshewasoneofthosesillylittlegroupieswhoareconstantlythrowingthemselvesatyou.

You’reusuallymorethanhappywhenweinterveneonyourbehalf.”

AndnormallyIam.VanessaandAndreacomeinquitehandy.Butnotthistime.“Yeah,well,Ithink

youjustblewmychancesofgettingbacktogetherwithhertoshit.”

Andreashrugshershoulders.“Justtellherwewerejokingaround.”

“Yeah,everyoneknowswe’reintochicks…notdicks,”Vanessaaddsasifit’scompletelyobvious

thatthey’relesbians.

MyeyesslidebacktothelastplaceIsawCassidybeforeshedisappeared.Feelingirritated,Iruna

handthroughmyhair.

“Well,wegottagetgoing.”Andreaflashesmeabigbrightshinysmile.

“Yeah,seeyouSaturday!”Vanessachimesin.

Andthentheytakeoffaswell,leavingmetostandbymyselfinlineattheburgerplace.I’m

seriouslydebatingwhetherornottoskiplunchaltogetherwhensomeonestepsrightintomyspace.For

justamoment,I’mhopingthatCassidyhasreturned.Evenifitisjusttochewmyassout.

“Youcan’tseriouslybethatmuchofadouche.”

DefinitelynotCassidy.

Theurgetosqueezemyeyestightlyshutandknockmyheadagainstawallslidesitswaythroughme.

Becauseyeah…apparentlyIamthatmuchofadouche.LukefreakingWellingtonistheabsolutelast

personIwanttodealwithrightnowbecauseI’malreadykickingmyselfintheassforlettingCassidy

thinkIhaveanyinterestineitherAndreaorVanessa.

Thosetwoareonlyinterestedingettingoffoneachother.Andeveryonewhoknowsthemisaware

ofthat.Now,amIaboveusingtheiranticstothrowoffunsuspectingchicksIhavezerointerestin?

Guiltyascharged.

ShouldIhaveallowedittospiraloutofcontrolwithCassidysothatshe’dgetthewrongidea?

GuessIreallyamadouche.

Worse,Ihateplayinggameswhichonlyirritatesmemore.Inanextremelyjuvenileway(whichIam

totallyowning),Iwantedtotestthewaterstoseewhatherinterestlevelwas.Imean,shedidwalkin

herewithLukefreakingWellington.Andtheylookedprettydamnfriendlywhiledoingittoo...

Ijustdidn’texpecthertoflyoutofhereasabruptlyasshedid.

“Stayoutofit,Wellington.It’snoneofyourdamnbusiness.”Ican’tresistcurlingmylipindisgust.

Thefactthathe’shere,gettinginmyfaceoversomethingthathastodowithCassidy,aggravatestheshit

outofme.

Itseriouslykilledmetolethergo,butIcan’tbewithagirlwhoisintoanotherguy.Andthere’s

somethingbetweenCassidyandLuke.I’mjustnotsurehowdeepherfeelingsforhimrun.Iknowhe

wantsher.Iseeitinhiseyeseveryfreakingtimehelooksather.Evenwithallherprotestsanddenials,I

totallyexpectedthemtogettogetherassoonasIpulledtheplug.

Itdrivesmebatshitcrazytoeventhinkaboutit.Thedudeisoneofmyteammates,forChrist’ssake.

He’ssupposedtohavemyback.Heshouldn’tbetryingtostealmygirl.

Luke’sbrowssnaptogetherandhehastheaudacitytolookaspissedoffasI’mcurrentlyfeeling.

“Shelikesyou,dude.Why’dyougoandhurtherlikethat?”

Hiswordsleavemefeelinglikeanevenbiggerjackass.

AndIdon’tneedthat.

Especiallyfromhim.

Ican’thelpbutrunanotherfrustratedhandthroughmyhairallthewhiletryingtokeepmycool.

“Look,juststayoutofmyrelationshipwithCassidy.”ThenIdecidetosaywhat’sreallyonmymind.

“Whatthehelldoyouevencare?I’msurethisisexactlywhatyouwantedtohappen.”

Hedoesn’tlookatallsurprisedbymywords.Whichonlyinfuriatesmeevenmore.Becauseas

muchasIknowhewantsher,thefactthathe’sgoingtostandthereandnotevenbotherdenyingit,hasme

bunchingmyfiststightlytogether.

Ittakesamomentbeforehesays,“Cassidyisagreatgirlandifyou’restupidenoughtoletthe

friendshipIhavewithhergetbetweenthetwoofyou,thenyou’renottheguyIthoughtyouwere.Andif

that’sthecase,thenmaybeyoudon’tdeserveherafterall.”

It’slikesomeonepouredgasolineallovermytemperandthenlititonfire.Iseriouslywanttohaul

offandpunchthisassholeinhisface.“Yourfriendship,”Isnort.“Shefeelsbeholdentoyou.Because

youweretherethatnight,”Igritthewordsoutbetweenclenchedteeth,“yougotheroutofabadsituation.

Andit’smessingwithherhead.”

LuketakesastepcloserandjustwhenIthinkhemightgetinmyface,hestaysput.Blowingouta

breath,Imakeaconsciousefforttounclenchmyfists.

AllhedoesisshakehisheadasifI’matotalloser.Anddamnifthatdoesn’tgrateagainstmylast

nerve.

“Ican’tbelievejusthowwrongIwasaboutyou.”Hiseyesnarrow.“Iwasgivingyoubothtimeto

workyourshitout,butyouknowwhat?Youdon’tdeserveher.”Asifwhathe’ssayingisn’tbadenough,

hecontinues.“DoIwantCassidy?Hell,yeah.AndI’mnotgoingtoletyoustandinmywayanylonger.”

Hesneersouttherest,“Ifyouwanther,Mathews,thenyoubetterdosomethingaboutitbecausethe

glovesareoff.”Hestepsjustabitcloserbeforeadding,“Andwhenshe’sfinallymine,I’lltreatherso

damngoodthatyou’llbenothingmorethanatinyblipinherpastthatshecanbarelyremember.”

Theregomyhandsagain.Iwantnothingmorethantothrowapunch,butIdon’t.God,Iwantto.But

I’mnotgoingtojeopardizemyfutureforafewmomentsofgratification.I’vemadeenoughmistakes

today.I’mnotgoingtoletLukeWellingtongettome.

InsteadIsnarl,“Fuckyou,Wellington.”Unfortunatelythereiszerosatisfactioningrowlingoutthose

words.I’drathersmashhisdamnfacein.

Hislipscurl.“Yeah,well,Ithinkyou’vedoneafuckingfantasticjobofscrewingyourselfsideways

whereCassidyisconcerned.Goodluckwiththat,man.”

Thenhe’sgone.

AndI’mleftstandingtherefeelinglikeanimpotentassholewithmyfistsclenchedandanastypit

gnawingatthebottomofmygutbecauseI’mafraidthatLukefreakingWellingtonisrightinhisassessment

ofthesituation.I’vetotallyfuckedmyselfwithmystupidityandjealousyasfarasCassidyisconcerned.

Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Ireallydon’tknowwhattodo.

I’mhonestlyafraidthatitmightbetoolatetogetherback.

ChapterTwenty

TheiceistheonlyplacewhereIcanlosemyselfanymore.Passingthepucktooneofmywingers,I

fallbacktoguardourgoal.Idon’twanttothinkaboutjusthowdisastrous,nottomention-non-existent,

myrelationshipwithColehasbecome.HowisitpossiblethatalmostamonthagoIcouldn’timagineus

beingapart?

Andnow-

Ahardhitfromtheleftliterallyknocksmeoffmyskates.Flyingthroughtheair,Icrashintotheice

beforerollingontomybackandgaspingforbreath.Evenwithallmypaddedprotection,ithurtslike

hell.MyeyeswaterasIfighttofindmybearings.Ihaven’tbeenhitlikethatinyears.Itfeelslikethe

verylifehasbeenknockedrightoutofme.Finallyopeningmydazedeyes,IstareupintoSammy’s

narrowedblueones.

Whatthefuck!

Ican’tbelieveshejusttruckedintomelikethat!

WhenI’mfinallyabletoinhaleenoughoxygen,itstilltakesafewmomentsbeforeIcangritout

actualwords.“Whatthehell,Sammy!”

Sheshrugsherbroadshoulderswhichlookevenmoremassiveunderneathallthepadding.“It’snot

myfaultyouweren’tpayingattention.”

“Sothat’sareasontotakemeout?”Istheresomethingseriouslywrongwiththisgirl?Likemajor

mentalissues?Becauserulenumberoneinhockeyisthatyoudon’tfreakinghurtyourownteammates.

Andshejustbrokeit.I’mjusthopingthat’sallshebroke.

Myeyesswingtotherestofthegirlswhohaveallstoppedskatingtoformatightcirclearoundus.It

becomesapparentbythewaymostareshiftinguncomfortablyandavoidingmyeyesthatnoneofthemare

goingtogetinvolvedinthisskirmish.Ican’texactlyblamethemforthat.Sammyisourcaptain.And

I’veonlyrecentlyjoinedtheteam.

And…well…she’sSammy.

Iwouldn’twanttogoagainsthereither.So,althoughI’mdisappointedthatnooneiswillingtostand

upforme,Iunfortunatelyunderstandtheirreasoning.Eventhoughmyentirebodyhurts,Iscrambletomy

skatesnotwantingtokeeplookingupatherfrommysprawledoutpositionontheice.

Feelingmytemperrise,Iskatetowardsheruntilwe’recagetocage.Whatjusthappenedoutthere

hasabsolutelynothingtodowithmebeingcaughtunawaresandeverythingtodowithCole.

Anddon’tthinkIdon’tknowit.

“Ifyouhaveaproblem,takeitupwithmeofftheice.”I’msoangrythatI’mshaking.“Especially

sincewebothknowthishasabsolutelynothingtodowithhockey.”

Hereyesnarrowasshesneers,“AndwhatifIwanttotakeitupwithyourightnow?”

There’snowayinhellIcanbackdownfromthisfight.Iwouldneverbeabletoholdmyheadup

againwiththisteam.I’dhavetoquit.So,asmuchasitsucksmajorass,Igritout,“Thenlet’sgo.”I’m

onthevergeofthrowingdownmyglovesandwhippingoffmyhelmet.

IfIhaveto…

Sheholdsmyeyesforalongchallengingmoment.Icanalmostfeeleveryone’scollectivebreath

beingheldasthetensionintherinkratchetsupanothernotch.Thiswon’tbethefirstskirmishI’veever

beenin.

AlthoughI’veneverbeeninafistfightwithamemberofmyownteambefore.

Sothat’snew.

FinallySammycocksherheadtothesidebeforesayingloudlyenoughforeveryonesurroundingusto

hear,“Let’sgrabsomethingtoeatafterthisandwe’llhashitalloutthen.”

MywholebodysagsasIexhalearelievedbreathbecauseIreallywasn’tlookingforwardtogetting

myasshandedtome.Andshewouldhave.I’mnotdelusional,afterall.“Fine.”

Intheblinkofaneye,everyonesplintersapartasifafightdidn’talmosteruptandwe’rebackto

scrimmagingagain.Butstrangelyitfeelsasifthethickundercurrentoftensionthathasbeenbrewing

betweenushasbeendispelled.Whichdoesn’texactlymakesensesincenothinghasbeenresolvedbut

I’mcertainlynotgoingtoquestionitatthispoint.

Fortherestofourninetyminutepractice,Ithrowmyselffullthrottleintothedrillsandscrimmage.

WhenIgethometonight,IwanttobesocompletelywipedthatIfallrightintobedandsleepwithout

dwellingtoomuchonCole.

Freshlyshowered,IwaitforSammytograbherbagbeforewewalkoutofthearenasidebyside.

NeitherofussaymuchasweslideintohercrappylittleToyota.Whenshepullsoutintotrafficatbreak

neckspeed,I’mremindedastowhyI’malwaysscramblingforalternativeridestotherink.

Hercarshouldcomewithawarninglabel-notforpeoplewithheartconditions,highblood

pressure,nervousstomachs,etc.Thegirldriveslikeshe’squalifyingfortheIndy500.

Littlebitsandpiecesofmylifeflashbeforemyeyesasshesquealsaroundanotherturn.Notwanting

toencourageher(becauseI’velearnedthatmypointingandhighpitchedyelpswilldothat),Ignashmy

teethratherpainfullyintomylowerliptostifletherisingscreams.

“DawsonsDiner,okay?”Shedoesn’tevenglanceinmydirection,insteadkeepinghereyesfocused

ontheroadahead.

Tightlipped,Ireply,“Yep.”Thankgodit’snotfar.

Iswearit’snomorethantwominuteslaterwhenshepullsabruptlyintoaparkingspace.Feeling

woozy,Iexitthecarasfastashumanlypossible.

Oncewe’reseatedatasmalltableandmystomachstartstosettlefromtheerraticdriveover,I

glanceatthemenu.Thewaitressdeliverstwowatersandtakesourorderbeforedisappearingagain.

Withnomenustofocusourattentionon,SammyandIglancewarilyateachother.Shestarts

drummingherfingersonthetableasIshiftuncomfortablyinmyseat.

“Look,Cassidy,”shefinallysighs,“Ilikeyou.”

Cockingmyheadatheropeningline,Idrawloutmyresponse,“Iwouldreallyhatetoseewhatyou

dotopeopleyoudon’tlike.”

Smirking,onesideofhermouthslidesup.“Actually,youdon’twanttoseethat.”She’sprobably

right.“ButmypointisthatIlikeyou.AndIreallylikedyouwithCole.”

Notsayinganotherword,Isimplynod.

“AndthefactthatyouwereintoLukeWellingtontheentiretimeyouwereseeingmycousinseriously

chafesmyass.”Leaningtowardsme,firesuddenlyleapsintohereyes.“Itoldyouinthebeginningnotto

hurthim.”Sittingback,herfacefillswithdisgust.“You’renofreakingbetterthanthatbitchJackie.”

Withwideeyes,Ishakemyhead.“Sammy,LukeandIhaveneverbeenanythingotherthanfriends.”

Cockinganeyebrow,shelooksdubious.“Ithoughtyoutwodidn’tevenknoweachother.”

TherearethreeotherpeopleatWesternwhoknowwhathappenedtomelastyear.AndSammyisn’t

oneofthem.Meflunkingout,gettingkickedoffthehockeyteam,gettingwastedandsleepingaroundisn’t

somethingIliketobroadcast.Franklyit’sembarrassingashellthatImadesuchacolossalmessoutof

mylife.

AsmuchasIlikeSammy,andIreallydo,she’sCole’scousinfirstandforemost.Herallegianceisto

him.Italwayswillbe.AndIwouldn’texpectanythingless.Butherjumpingautomaticallyontohisside

withouteventalkingtomeaboutithurtsbecauseIthoughtweweremorethanjustteammates.Ithought

wewerefriends.

Weactuallyhavealotincommon,hockeybeingthemostobvious.

Hermaddrivingskills,notsomuch.

ButthatfriendshipstalledwhenColeandIbrokeup.Andthatreallysucks.Iwashopingwecould

havearelationshipindependentofhim.Butobviouslythat’snotpossible.

BecauseIspentallofmyteenageyearsfocusingonhockey,alwaystryingtoclimbtothenextlevel,I

sacrificedalotoffriendshipsalongtheway.Therewasjustneveranytimetonurturethatkindof

relationship.Brooklyn,whowasmyneighborwhilegrowingup,wasmoreofanacquaintancethan

anythingelse.AndIstartedoutthissemesterprettymuchkeepingtomyself,tryingtogetmylifeunder

control,somakingfriendswasn’texactlyhighonmyprioritylist.

ForalongmomentIdebatejusthowmuchtotellSammy,ifanythingatall.I’mnotreadytospillmy

gutstoher.Andhonestly,shehasn’texactlyearnedmytrusteither.ButmaybeifItellhersomeofthe

truth,she’llhaveabetterunderstandingofmyrelationshipwithLuke.Atthispoint,that’sallIreally

want.

“LukeandIactuallyattendedthesamecollegelastyear.Webothplayedhockeythere.”Sammy’s

darkblondebrowsknittogetherbutIdon’tgiveherachancetostartfiringquestionsatme.“Butwe

weren’tfriends.”It’scarefullythatIadd,“IonlyrecognizedhimafterIstartedseeingCole.”

Shetiltsherheadtothesidebeforesaying,“Well,youcertainlyseemchummynow.”

Inodjustonce.“Somethinghappenedlastyear-somethingI’mnotgoingtotalkaboutbutLukewas

there.”Ipause,thinkingcarefullyaboutmywords.“Hegotmeoutofareallybadsituation,”Iadd

slowly.“Oncewesatdownandtalkedaboutit,itjustseemednaturalforustobefriends.”ThenIstress,

“Butwe’veneverbeenanythingmorethanthat.IlikeLuke,butit’sasafriendandheknowsthat.”

Mywordsseemtorollaroundinherheadasshesilentlyconsidersthem.Takingadeepbreath,she

blowsitoutslowly.Justasshe’sabouttosaysomething,ourfoodisplacedinfrontofusbyGina,our

waitress.Weboththankherbeforeshetakesofftocheckonherothertables.

ThesmellofmycheeseandmushroomomelethitsmeandIsuddenlyrealizejusthowhungryIam.

Withoutfurtherwords,webothdigin.Demolishingourplatesinlessthantenminutes.Thereisnoslow

methodicalchewingandsavoringforeitheroneofus.Afteraninetyminutepractice,we’reboth

famished.

Onceourplatesarescrapedclean,webothsitback,sippingourdietsodas.

FinallySammyasks,“Sowhydoesn’tColebelievethatyoutwoarejustfriends?”

Caughtoffguardbythequestion,IjuststareatherasIgrappleforananswer.“Iguessit’sbecause

LukeandIhavestartedspendingmoretimetogether.”

“Uhhuh.”

Seriously…that’sallshe’sgottosay?

Withhereyestrainedonme,shepatientlywaitsformetocontinue.Fidgetingunderherintense

scrutiny,Iactuallyfindmyselfscramblingtoexplain.Whichsuddenlymakesthisthingbetweenusfeel

likeanimpromptutherapysession.IknowSammyisplanningtogotoschoolforsportsmedicine.I’m

startingtosuspectthatshe’smissinghercallingasatherapist.

“HethinksLukeisinterestedinmorethanjustfriendship.”

Herexpressiondoesn’tchange.“Andishe?”

Flushing,myeyesdroptothetable.“Maybe,”Ican’thelpbutaddhastily,“Butnothinghasever

happenedbetweenus.We’rejustfriends.”Ican’thelpbutemphasizethefriendspart.AlthoughI’mnot

sureitdoesanygood.

Sammyrollshereyesbeforesheactuallystartslaughing.“Jesus,Cassidy!Howwouldthatmake

youfeel?Havingyournewboyfriendhangaroundwithsomeothergirlwhoyouknewlikedhim?So

here’sthisfriend,”sheusesairquotesaroundthewordasifit’stotallydebatable,“whoispatiently

bidingtheirtimewaitingforyourrelationshipwithColetofallapart.”

Sammyshakesherheadlookingsomewhatdisgusted.“AndLuke’sateammate.Hispartneronthe

ice!”ShetakesalengthysipofherdrinkasshecontinueseyeingmeasifI’mnothingmorethanabug

smashedacrossthewindshieldofherdeathtrap.

Which,consequently,isexactlywhereIfeellikeIbelong.

IsthatreallyhowColesawit?Likehewasbeingbetrayed,notonlybyhisgirlfriend,buthis

teammateaswell?

IthinkabouthowhesawusattheUnion,lookingasifIwasgoingtoletLukekissme.OrwhenIleft

theHalloweenpartyandgrabbedcoffeewithhim.Or,rightbeforewebrokeup,whenIwasstudying

withLukeatthelibrary.Insteadofhearingaboutitfromme,Lukewastheonewhoinadvertentlybusted

me.Andlastly,IthinkaboutColeandhowangryhewasoutontheice.HowheandLukeweregetting

intoit.

Yeah…it’snotlookingsogoodforme.

ButwhatcanIdoaboutitnow?

ForallIknow,ColeishookingupwithVanessa.OrAndrea.Or,godforbid,bothofthematthe

sametime.Thatthoughtslicespainfullythroughme.Ithinkit’sentirelypossiblethattheomeletIjust

wolfeddowninrecordtimeisgoingtomakeanunexpectedreappearancethisevening.

Watchingmethroughthinlyveiledeyes,Sammysweepshertongueslowlyacrossherteeth.Andlike

anygoodtherapist,sheallowshercarefullypointedquestionsandmyeyeopeninganswerstomarinate

withinmyminduntiltheuglyramificationshavefullysetin.

I’mkindofhatingSammyrightnowbecauseithasbecomeoh-so-apparentthatIinadvertently

sabotagedmyrelationshipwithCole.

ChapterTwenty-One

TherestoftheweekleadinguptoThanksgivingbreakfliesbyatbreakneckspeed.Therearepapers

tohandin(whichactuallymeanstherearehugepaperstowrite),teststostudyfor,hoursspenttutoringat

themathcentersoIcanearnsomeextracash,andhockeypracticetoworkmyselfoverinsoIcanfall

intoadeadsleepandnotspendanymoretimestewingoverCole.

Isitworking?

Notreally.

I’vealreadyarrivedatthedamningconclusionthatI’vescrewedupthebestrelationshipI’veever

had.

Okay…I’vescreweduptheonlyrelationshipI’veeverhad.

Aftermylatenighttherapysession,er…dinnerwithSammy,IdecidedthatmaybeIneededtotakea

giantstepbackfromthesituationandfocusonthewholereasonI’mhereatWesternUniversityinthefirst

place.

Whichwouldbeacademics.

Sothat’swhatI’mdoing.

I’mfocusingallmytimeandenergyonmycoursesandI’mtryingveryhardnottodwellonColeor

Luke.UntilIpulledback,Ihadn’trealizedjusthowmucheverythingwasspiralingoutofcontrol.A

littledistanceandperspectivehavehelpedmetounderstandthat.

Butthere’snogettingaroundthefactthatIstillmissCole.EventhoughIknowdeepdownI’mdoing

what’sbestforme,itdoesn’tmakethelossanyeasiertodealwith.IthinkmaybeevenDr.Thompson

wouldbeproudofmeforseizingcontrolofmylifeagain.

Ireallydomissherinsightfulcommentsandconversations.OnceortwiceIactuallydialedthe

numbertothecounselingcenterbeforequicklychickeningoutandhangingupthephone.Hopefullythey

don’thavecalledID.

Howhumiliatingwouldthatbe?

EveryMonday,Wednesday,andFridayatnineo’clockIattendmypsych201lecture.WhenIwalk

in,Coleisneverthere.AlthoughIknowtheexactmomenthearrivesbecauseIgetanoddlittleprickleat

thebaseofmyneck.ButIneverturnaroundandcheck.So,forallIknow,mySpideysensescouldbe

totallyoffbase.I’vecometothesadconclusionthatitreallydoesn’tmatteranymore.

EventhoughI’vecaughtglimpsesofhimaroundcampus,it’salwaysfromafar.Thankfully,Ihaven’t

spottedVanessaorAndreawithhim.So…Iguessthat’ssomething.

Butseeinghim,evenfromadistance,feelsdevastating.

Myheartlurcheseverysingletime.

Whichisexactlywhat’shappeningrightnow.

Mybreath,whichpuffsoutintheicycoldthathassweptthroughOakton,hitchesasmygazeslides

hungrilyoverhim.MyfeetgrindtoahaltasIwatchhim.It’snosurprisethatthere’syetanothergirlat

hisside.Ican’ttellwhosheisbecauseshe’sbundledupagainstthebracingNovemberchill.He’s

wearinganavypeacoatandhasadarkbeaniepulledlowoverhishead.Piecesofhisdeepchocolate

coloredhairstickoutadorably.GodbutImisssiftingmyfingersthroughthosemessylocks.

Heseriouslycouldn’tlooksexierifhetried.

Thegirlhe’swalkingwithmustthinksotoobecauseshe’ssmilingupathimlikeshe’stryingtowin

anawardforit.Theylooktobedeepinconversationashesayssomethingbeforelaughing.Hisdimples

flashandmyheartconstrictsbecauseIrememberwhatitfeltliketohavehimlookatmelikethat.

Unabletowatchanothermoment,Iturnabruptlyawaybeforehustlingdownoneofthewinding

cementpathways.WithmythoughtssofullofCole,I’mnotreallythinkingaboutwhereI’mgoingormy

nextclassorallthethingsthatareonmyto-dolistthisafternoon.

NomatterhowhardItry,Ican’tseemtomoveonorgetoverhim.

Eventhoughit’sfreeze-your-ass-off-cold,it’sblindinglybrightout.AsIblinkmyeyes,Isuddenly

findmyselfoutsidethestudentcounselingcenter.Slumpingontooneofthebenchesparkedinfrontofthe

graystonebuilding,ItrynottothinkabouttheironyofunconsciouslyfindingmyselfoutsideDr.

Thompson’sofficewhenI’mobviouslyupset.

Glancingdownatmyphone,IseethatIhaveaboutanhourbeforeIneedtobeatthetutoringcenter

formyshift.I’mhopingthatmymindwillbetooconsumedwithequations,quadratics,andproofsto

dwellonCole.

Wow…justwhenIdidn’tthinkIcouldsoundanymoremorepathetic,Ijackhammertoawholenew

low.IreallyhavebecomethesadbastardBrooklynkeepsaccusingmeof.

Whensomeonesitsdownnexttome,Ishiftmybodyawayhopingthatwhoeveritiswilltakethehint

thatI’mnotinterestedinengaginginsomemeaninglessconversationbetweenstrangers.Actually,I’d

ratherpopavein.

I’mkidding.

Sortof.

“Cassidy?”

Thatvoicehasmewhippingaroundwithwideeyes.It’sthelastpersonIexpectedtosee.Although

maybeIshouldhave,consideringthatI’msittingrightoutsideherbuilding.I’msuddenlyovercomewith

amassivecaseofnervesaswestareatoneanotherforalongpainfulheartbeat.

Finallyshebreaksthesilence.WhichisgoodbecausethereisnowayIwasgoingtodoit.“How

haveyoubeen?”

Myeyebrowslift.OutofallthethingsIimaginedhersayingtome(I’msogladyou’renolonger

datingmyson,Ineverrealizedjusthowfuckedupyoureallywere,maybeyoushouldconsider

transferringtoyetanothercollege,etc),thatwasn’texactlyit.

Gulpingabreath,ittakesamomentformetofinallyfindmywords.WhenIdo,they’renotexactly

verbose.“Um…good.”

Herlipsliftintoakindsmile.It’stheoneIalwaysfoundsoreassuringandcalmingwhenIwas

sittinginheroffice.“I’mgladtohearthat.”

Ican’tstopthinkingabouthowweirdthisfeels.OtherthantheunexpectedmeetingatCole’shouse

andattheicerink,I’veneverseenDr.Thompsonoutsideofheroffice.Sothefactthatwe’resittingin

broaddaylightonacampusbenchlikeit’sthemostnaturalthingintheworld,makesthismeetingallthe

morebizarre.

WhenitbecomespainfullyobviousthatI’mnotabouttopickuptheconversationalball,shegently

murmurs,“I’vebeenhopingyoumightmakeanotherappointmentsowecouldtalk.”

Unabletoholdhersteadygaze,myeyessliceguiltilyawaybecauseIthinkwebothknowthatwasn’t

goingtohappen.“Itjustfelttooweird,”Ifinallyadmit.

“Cassidy.”Takingadeepbreath,shedoesn’tsayanotherworduntilmyeyeshesitantlyslidebackto

hers.“Irealizethatfindingoutyourtherapistisnoneotherthanthemotheroftheboyyou’reseeingmust

havebeen…surprising.”

Thatabsurdstatementismetwithastrangledlittlelaughfromme.

“Forobviousreasons,ifyoudecidetocomebacktocounseling,Iwouldn’tbeabletoseeyou.”

Ohthehorror.Ican’tevenimagineit.

“No,probablynot,”Iaddweakly.

Sheclearsherthroat.“Itwouldbewhatwecall-aconflictofinterest.”

Tosaytheleast.

“ButIwantyoutoknowthatifyou’restillinterestedinreceivingcounselingservices,therearetwo

othertherapistswhoworkintheoffice.Eitheronewouldbeagoodfitforyou.Or,ifyouprefertogooff

campus,Icangiveyousomeexcellentreferrals.It’scompletelyuptoyou.”Shereachesoutbefore

squeezingmyhand.“Mychiefconcernismakingsurethatyouhavethesupportandassistanceyouneed

tobesuccessfulhereatWestern.”Shepausesbeforecontinuing,“I’vebeenworriedaboutyou.”

Thesincerityofherwordsconfusesmebutthenagain,maybeitshouldn’t.Dr.Thompsonhasalways

beenkind,thoughtful,andcaring.Ineverfeltshewasanythinglessthansincere.Maybe…maybeshe

reallyhasbeenconcernedaboutme.

Mymindtumblesbackoverthelasttwoweeks.Yeah,mybreakupwithColewasdifficult.Ithink

wecanallagreethatitwastouchandgothereforawhile…butsomehowImanagedtopullthrough.I

handleditonmyown.Andthatfeelsprettydamngood.MaybeIdidn’trealizeitatthetime,butIwas

actuallyabletoapplyalotofthetoolsandcopingmechanismsIlearnedincounselingtomylife.

Whichiskindofthewholepointoflearningtheminthefirstplace.

Huh.How’sthatforanah-hamoment?

TakethatOprahWinfrey!

“Youknowwhat?”Imeethergazewithjustahintofasmileplayingaroundtheedgesofmylips.“I

thinkI’mgood.”

Recoveryofanykindisastruggle…butI’mworkingmywaythroughit.ThefactthatI’velearned

howtodealwithmyownproblemsinsteadofneedingsomeonetoholdmyhandfeelslikeamajor

breakthrough.

OneIcan’thelpbuttakepridein.

“Noanxietyattacks?”Sheprobesquietly.

ThesmallsmiletiltingmylipsupwardscontinuestogrowasIshakemyhead.“No,none.I’vefelt

mychesttightenupafewtimesbutIwasabletobreathethroughit.AndIdoalotofself-checkstomake

sureI’mfeelingokay.WhenIneedtotalkthingsout,Ihaveafewfriendstodothatwith.”

NotseeingDr.Thompsonhasbeenhardbutit’snicetoknowthatIcanhandlelifeonmyownagain.

It’sahugestepintherightdirection.Whichiskindofanamazingrealizationconsideringthattheselast

twoweekshavetotallysucked.

But…withoutthemsucking,Iwouldn’thaverealizedjusthowmuchI’dgrown.

So,Iguessitisn’tallbad.

Shenods,genuinehappinesslightingupherexpressiveface.“Well,itsoundslikeyouhave

everythingundercontrol.I’mreallyproudofyou,Cassidy.”

Myeyesholdhersandforthefirsttimesinceshesatdownnexttome,someofthetensionmelts

away.Itsuddenlyfeelsalittlebitlikeitusedtobetweenus.Whichiskindofnice.

OfcoursethatwouldbetheexactmomentIrememberthatsheknowsIwassleepingwithherson

and-

“Cassidy,”shesaysinterruptingthefreighttrainofthoughtsthataresteamrollingthroughmyhead,

“it’sokay.”

Myeyesfastenontohers.“Whatdoyoumean?”Becauseshecan’tpossiblyknowwhatIwas-

“YourrelationshipwithmysonhasabsolutelynothingtodowiththerelationshipIhavewithyou.

It’stwoseparatethingsandalthoughIcan’tseeyouprofessionallyasatherapist,IwantyoutoknowthatI

havenoissueswithyouseeingCole.”

Mymouthfallsopen.“Howcanyoupossiblyfeelthatway?”

Imean…sheknowseverything.

Everything.

Shesmilesjustabitinresponse.“Becauseeveryonehasissues,whethertheyseeatherapistornot.

Everyonecomeswiththeirownuniquesetofbaggage.I’mnotinthebusinessofjudgingpeopleforwhat

they’vebeenthroughorthemistakesthey’vemade.”

Iwhisperagain,“Butyoucan’tpossiblywantmewithhim.”Coledeservestheabsolutebest.Agirl

withhershittogetherand…that’snotme.I’mstillaworkinprogress.MaybeI’llalwaysbeaworkin

progress.Ican’thelpbutstaredownatmyfingerswhichareplayingwiththehemofmythickwinter

coat.

“Cassidy,”shesaysdrawingmyattentionbacktoherface,“Iwantmysontobehappyandina

healthy,lovingrelationship.That’sallanymothercanhopefor.Coleisagrownadultandhecanmake

hisownchoices,”shepausesbeforeadding,“andhisownmistakes.Ican’tstopthatfromhappening.”

“DoesheknowIwasseeingyou?”Ilowermyvoice,“Professionally?”

Sheshakesherhead.“Ofcoursenot.Iwouldneverdivulgepersonalinformationaboutaclient.

Therearestrictlawsagainstthatkindofthing,nottomentionethicaloathsItookwhenIreceivedmy

licensetopractice.Itakemyprofessionalresponsibilitiesveryseriously,Cassidy.Ihopeyourealize

that.Iwouldneverdoanythingtoharmaclient.Myroleinyourlifeistoofferhelpandassistance.

Now,ifyouchosetotellhim,that’syourdecision.ButIwillneverdiscussourworkingrelationshipwith

anyoneelse.”

EventhoughIunderstandwhatshe’ssaying,Ican’tstopmyselffromasking,“Doesyourhusband

know?”

Againsheshakesherhead.“Absolutelynot.He’sundertheimpressionthatwemetforthefirsttime

atourhouse.”

It’ssuchahugerelieftohearhersaythosewords.Myeyesfinallyrisetohers.“ColeandIaren’t

seeingeachotheranymore.”IfigureshealreadyknowsthisbutIsayitanyway.Eventhoughit’sbeena

fewweekssinceithappened,itstillfeelssurprisinglyrawandpainful.

“Iknow,”sheacknowledgesquietly,“hementionedit.”Clearingherthroat,shesoundsjustabit

hesitant.It’sthefirsttimeI’veeverseenherlookanythingotherthancalmandcomposed.“Iwasn’tsure

iffindingoutthatIwasCole’smotherhadanythingtodowithwhathappenedbetweenyoutwo.”Her

concernedeyessearchmine.“Ireallyhopeitdidn’t.”

InhalingadeepbreathIslowlyforceoutthewords.“No,itdidn’t.”

“Good.”Withherlipstiltingupatthecorners,shecorrectsherselfwithasmallwince.“Well,not

good…”

“Yeah,Iknow.”ThenIaddsoftly,“IthinkImighthavemessedthingsupallonmyown.”

“Well,IguessyouneedtodecideifyourrelationshipwithColeisworthrepairing.”

IfIdidn’tknowanybetter,Iwouldthinkshemightactuallybeencouragingmetofixmyrelationship

withherson.

“I…Idon’tknow.”

Wouldheevengivemeasecondchance?

Orhashealreadymovedon?

Imean,I’vespottedhimaroundcampuswithseveraldifferentgirls.Anddon’tthinkmyheart

doesn’tcrumbleeverysingletimeithappenseither,becauseitdoes.Ithurtstothinkofhimloving

someoneelsethewayheoncelovedme.

Dr.Thompsongivesmealongpenetratinglookbeforesaying,“It’ssomethingyou’regoingtohaveto

figureoutforyourself.”

Feelingdepressedalloveragain,Inodinagreement.

Glancingathersmallgoldwristwatch,shefinallysays,“It’stimeformetogetbacktotheoffice,but

itwaslovelytoseeyouagain,Cassidy.Ireallydothinkthatyou’vegrowntremendouslyinjusttheshort

amountoftimeyou’vebeenatWestern.Youneedtobeproudofallyou’veaccomplishedandkeep

focusedonthegoalsyou’reworkingtowards.”Shepausesbeforeadding,“Andyoushouldfeelgood

aboutthepersonyou’vegrowninto,becauseyou’reawonderfulyounglady.Youneedtocutyourselfa

littlebitofslackeveryonceinawhileandstopbeingsohardonyourself.”Shelooksatmeknowingly.

“Sometimesweareourownworstcritics.”

We’rebothquietforalongmomentasIletherwordswashoverme.

Feelingjustabitchokedup,Isay,“Thanks,Dr.Thompson…foreverything.I’mreallygoingtomiss

you.”IrealizeasIsaythewordsjusthowtruetheyare.

“Itwasmypleasure,Cassidy,andjustremember-ifyoudecideyouwantareferral,justgivethe

officeacall.Okay?”Onceagainshesqueezesmyhand.

“Yes.”IgiveherasmallsmilefeelinglessweighteddownthanIhaveinalongtime.Closure.I

hadn’trealizedjusthowmuchI’dneededitwithher.

Standingup,shebrushesoffhercoat.“Goodluck,”shepausesashereyescontinueholdingmine

beforeadding,“witheverything.”

“Thankyou.”IwhisperthewordsunabletosayanythingmoreforfearthatImightactuallybreak

downandcrybeforeshe’sabletodisappearinsidethecounselingcenter.

ChapterTwenty-Two

“Soyou’retotallycoolwithgoinghomeforthebreak?Everything’sgoodwiththefam?”

Foldinganothersweater,IplaceitneatlyinmysuitcasebeforeglancingoveratBrooklyn.“Yeah,I

thinkso.”Overthepastfewweeks,myparentsandIhavemetseveraltimesfordinner.Ourrelationship

isslowlymorphingintoonethatiscomfortableagain.

“Well,ifyouneedabreather,justpoponover.”Sherollshereyesbeforedumpingahandfulof

clothesintoherbag.“NotlikeanythinginterestingwillbehappeningoverattheBennethousehold.”

“Ithinkeverythingwillbefine.Andhonestly,”Icarefullyfoldapairofjeansbeforelayingthemon

topofthesweater,“I’mlookingforwardtogettingawayforafewdays.”

Brooklynhuffsoutabreathbeforethrowinganotherarmloadofclothingintoherbag.“Yeah.Iknow

whatyoumean.It’llbekindofnicetogetthehelloutofDodge.”

Ican’tresistasking,“Aren’tyougoingtomissyourlittlebenefitsbuddyovertheholiday?”

Myeyesslicetohersbecauseshe’sbeenkeepingthewholeAustin-thingtightlyunderwrapslately.

WhichismostdefinitelynotBrooklyn’susualstyle.Normallyshegivesmeacringeworthyamountof

detailsregardingwhateverguyshe’sintoatthemoment.Butshehasn’tutteredasinglewordforalmosta

week.WhichIfindbothsuspiciousandoddlydisconcerting.Ihavenoideaifthey’restillengagingin

theirlittlearrangementornot.

“Firstthing-neverrefertomybenefitsbuddyaslittle.He’ssuperhugeanddeliciouslygirthy.”She

waitsformetowincebeforecontinuing,“Andsecond,I’mpleadingthefifth.”

Myeyesnarrow.“Sincewhen?”Sincewhendoesn’tBrooklynwanttoover-share?TMIherMO

forgoodnesssake.

Notanswering,shegivesalittleshrugofhershouldersbeforethrowingafewmorethingsintoher

bagandzippingitup.

ApparentlynotwantingtodiscussthestateofherrelationshipwithAustinanylonger,Brooklynasks

instead,“WhattimeisLukepickingusup?”Sheyawnsratherloudly.“DoIhavetimeforanap?I’m

seriouslybeat.”

Iglanceattheclocknexttomybed.“Inanhour.”IwassurprisedtolearnthatLukelivesabout

twentymilesawayfromusinasmallcitywhichisroughlythesamesizeasours.Heaskedifweneeded

aridehomeforbreakandeventhoughIwasn’taltogethersureIshouldtakehimupontheoffer,Idid.

It’snotlikeColeandIaretogetheranymore.

TherehavebeensomanytimeswhenI’vepickedupthephonewantingtoshootColeatext.ButI

haven’t.AndthankgodI’mnotadrinkerorIprobablywouldhavedrunkdialedhimahideousamountof

times.

Sammy’swordsreallystruckanervewithmeandeventhoughit’sbeenaboutfourdayssincewesat

downandtalkedafterpractice,they’restillrollingaroundinmyheadlikemarbles.

AtleastSammyandIhavesmoothedthingsoverandourfriendshiphassurprisinglyfallenbackinto

theeasycomraderythatitoncewas.Inolongerhavetoworryaboutherknockingtheshitoutofmeon

theice.

ThehourslipsbyinaflurryofpackingandbeforeIknowit,Lukeistextingthathe’swaiting

outside.BrooklynandItakeonelastlookaroundourroombeforehustlingdowntomeethimwithour

bagsintow.Assoonasheseesuscomethroughtheglassdoorsofourbuilding,hegetsoutofhistruck

andopensthetrunkbeforesettingourbagsnexttohis.

“Hey.”HegreetsusbothwithasmilebeforeopeningthebackdoorforBrooklynandthenthefront

passengerdoorforme.Ashe’swalkingaroundthehoodofthetruck,Brooklynwhispers,“Ithink

someoneishappytofinallyhaveyoualltohimself.”

Withoutevenlookingather,Imutter,“We’refriends.Just.Friends,”Iannunciate.

Shesmirks.“Plus,youdidn’tevencallshotgunandyou’retheonewhogetstorideupfront.”

There’snotimetorespondasLukeopensthedriver’ssidedoorandslidesinnexttome.Amoment

later,thetruckroarstolifeandwe’rerollingawayfromWesternUniversityandoutofthesmalltownof

Oakton.Thethreeofuschatforawhileaboutallsortsofthingsbeforefallingintoacomfortablesilence

asmusicfillstheinsideofhistruck.

ThereareafewtimesduringthedrivethatIfindmyselfstudyingLuke.Withhisshortblondhairand

hisblue-grayhazeleyes,hereallyisgoodlooking.He’sashadeshorterthanCole,whichmeansthathe’s

stilloversixfeetandjustalittlebroaderintheshoulders.

Theguyistotallycrush-worthy.Nodoubtaboutit.AndIwouldbelyingifIdidn’tadmitthatIfind

himattractive.BecauseIdo.Thatattraction,coupledwiththeconnectionwealreadyhave,justseemsto

intensifyeverythingIfeelforhim.

Butitdoesn’tmakeitanylessconfusing.I’mjustnotsureifI’mreadytotakethatnextstepwith

him.

SinceIhaven’theardfromColesinceourdisastrouslunch,I’mguessingthatwhateverwehadis

overwith.Inallhonesty,Idon’tknowifIwanttogettangledupinanotherrelationship.Irememberhow

hesitantIwastoevengetinvolvedwithColeatthebeginning.Maybeit’ssmarteratthispointtojust

focusonmyclassesandtakeabreakfromrelationships.

Lostinthetangleofmythoughts,Idon’trealizethatI’mfulloutstaringatLukeuntilheturnshishead,

meetingmyeyes.Asourgazescollide,ahotblushcreepsitswayupmycheeksasIyankmineaway

beforequicklylookingoutthewindow.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”heasksquietly.

Forcingmyselftomeethiseyesagain,Isayhonestly,“Thatit’sprobablybestformetofocuson

classesrightnowandnotgetcaughtupinallthesocialstuff.”

Henodsasifagreeingbeforehiseyesslidebacktotheroadinfrontofhim.Minedothesame.

“Youmeangetcaughtupinarelationship?”

Mywidegazeslidesslowlybacktohis.“Yeah.”

Noddingagain,hisrighthandslipscarefullyaroundmine.Foralongmoment,Isimplystaredownat

ourentwinedfingersfeelingjustalittlebitstartledbytheconnectionbeforemyeyesslowlylifttohis.

Withhisthumb,herubssoftlittlecirclesacrossmyflesh.

Filledwithunease,IglanceovermyshoulderatBrooklynonlytorealizethatshe’ssackedoutwith

herearbudsin.

“Shefellasleepaboutfifteenminutesago,”headdsasifhecanreadmymind.It’salmost

disconcertingthathe’ssoinsyncwithme.

“Oh.”That’sthebestI’vegottoofferatthemoment.

Oh.

Whateverisunfoldingbetweenusinthefrontseatofhistruckfeelskindof…dangerous.I’mnot

sureifI’mreadyforourrelationshiptoprogresspastfriendship.Becausewhenitcomesdowntoit,I’m

stillhunguponCole.Iprobablyshouldn’tbegettinginvolvedwithanyoneatthispoint.

Outofthecornerofmyeye,Iwatchhisbrowsdrawtogether.Hiseyesflickinmydirection.“Are

youokaywiththis?”Gentlyhesqueezesmyfingers.“BecauseIdon’twanttopushyouintosomething

you’renotreadyfor.”

Forjustamomenteverythingfreezeswithinme.ThelastguytoholdmyhandwasCole.Alright…

theonlyguytoeverholdmyhandwasCole.I’mnotsureifI’mreadytofeelsomeoneelsetouchingme

likethis.

Butatthesametime,itfeelskindof…nice.

“Cassidy?”hepromptssoftly.Hiseyesdartmywayaswecontinuedrivingdownthehighway

towardshome.

FinallymygazeslidesbacktohisagainandIcan’thelpbutsuckinadeepbreathbeforerealizing

thatIdon’twanthimtoletgo.Justashestartstounclasphisfingersfrommine,thewordshootsoutof

mymouth,“No.”

Almostinstantlyhestills.Hiseyes,sofullofquestions,arrowtomineagain.“No?”

“Don’tletgo,”Iwhisperthickly.Myvoicefeelsoddlylow.Whetherherealizesitornot,thisisa

bigdealforme.Idon’tallowmanypeoplein.AndotherthanCole,Ihaven’thadarealrelationship.So,

yeah,eventhoughLukeisonlyholdingmyhand,it’samajorthing.

Ithinkherealizesitaswellbecausefortherestoftheride,hedoesnothingmorethanclaspmyhand

inhislargerone.Hesimplyallowsmetogetusedtothefeelofhimtouchingme.

Themilesslipbyquicklyafterthatsharedmomentbetweenus.Brooklynsleepstheentireway

makingitfeelasifLukeandIarealoneinthetruck.Almostfromthebeginning,myfriendshipwithLuke

hasbeenaneasyone.Andeventhoughwe’resittinghereholdinghands,nothingreallyfeelsany

different.

BythetimewerolluptoBrooklyn’shousewhichisrightnextdoortomine,Brooklynhasfinally

wokenupandLukeisnolongerholdingmyhand.WhenheexitsthetrucktogetBrooklyn’sbag,she

suddenlyleansforwardbeforewhispering,“Nowthatwasaratherinterestingturnofevents.”

ShegivesmealittlewinkbeforejumpingoutofthetruckandthankingLukefortheride.JustasI’m

abouttoopenmydoorandgetout,Lukeslidesinbesidemeagain.

“I’lldriveyouover.”Hegivesmeasmallsmilebeforestartingupthetruck.Lessthantwenty

secondslater,he’spullingintomydrivewaynextdoor.That’swhenmyeyeslockonthehouseIgrewup

in.MymindtumblesbacktowhenColeandIsnuckintwomonthsagotoretrievemyhockeyequipment.

Thememoryofthat,ofhowangrymydadhadbeenwhenhe’dcaughtus,slicescleanthroughme.

Feelingoddlyparalyzed,IsitstaringatthehouseloominginfrontofusfromthesafetyofLuke’struck.

It’sthefeelofhishandsqueezingmineagainthatfinallyknocksmeoutofthestrangetrancethathasfallen

overme.

“Sorry,”Ismileweakly.EventhoughI’vemetwithmyparentsseveraltimes,sittinghereinthe

drivewayofmychildhoodhome,theoneIhadn’tbeenallowedtoreturntoaftermyfailure,feels…scary.

It’ssurprisingtorealizethatI’malmostafraidtowalkthroughthefrontdoor.Afraidthatthisisn’t

goingtoturnoutthewayIimagineditwould.Maybethatsaying-youcannevergohomeagainisreally

true.ThelastthingIwantisforthenextcoupleofdaystofeelawkwardanduncomfortable.HaveI

rushedthingsbycominghomeforThanksgiving,foolishlythinkingthateverythingwouldsomehowfall

neatlybackintoplacebetweenallofus?

It’sajarringthought.

Mychestsuddenlyfeelsasifit’stighteningup,makingitdifficulttobreathe.Closingmyeyes,I

inhaleadeepbreathbeforeslowlypushingitout,desperatelytryingtoreininmyoutofcontrolfeelings.

IfIallowmyselftokeepthinkinglikethis,Iwillhaveafulloutanxietyattack.

Relax,Itellmyself.Justrelax.

Luke’swordsaregentlewhentheyfinallywashovermeandI’mgladtobedistractedbythelow

timbreofhisvoice.“Hey,”hesqueezesmyhandagain,“areyouokay?”Softlyhisfingersstrokeovermy

cheek.“Cassidy,lookatme.”WhenIfinallydo,hecarefullysearchesmygaze.

Lukemustseethefearandpanicrisingwithinmywideeyesbecauseeversoslowlyhepullsmeinto

thewarmcomfortofhisarms.Isqueezemyeyestightlyshutashisarmswraparoundmebeforeresting

myheadagainstthesolidstrengthofhischest.AndthenIjustcontinuetobreathe.

Isuckingreatbiggulpsbeforepushingthemoutslowly.

“Keepbreathing,”hewhisperssoftlyagainsttheshellofmyear.Ifocusonthelowcadenceofhis

words.IttakesaboutthreeorfourminutesbeforeIfindmyselfgraduallyrelaxingagainsthim.OnceI’ve

calmedmyselfdownagain,hemurmurs,“Wecanleaverightnowifyouwant.I’lltakeyoutomyhouse

orbacktoschool.”Pullingaway,hesearchesmyeyes.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”

BlowingoutalongslowbreathIturnhiswordsoverinmyheadrealizingthatIdon’treallywantto

leave.Myparentshaven’tdoneanythingtomakemethinkthatthisweekendisn’tgoingtobeastepinthe

rightdirectionforallofus.IguessI’mjustscaredthatthishomecomingwillendindisasterleavingmy

familyandmejustasbrokenaswewerebefore.Suddenlyitfeelsasifthereissomuchpressureresting

ontheoutcomeofthesenextfewdays.

Ididn’trealizeIwasfeelingsostressedoverituntilnow.

“No,Idon’twantthat,”Ifinallywhisperagainsthim.BecauseIneedtogivethisachance.Iwant

myfamilybackinmylifeandthisistheonlywayit’sgoingtohappen.

Withhishandonmycheek,hecontinuesstrokingmyfleshgently.“You’regoingtobefine,Cassidy.

Andifit’snot,youcallmeandI’llpickyouup.Nomatterwhat.Okay?”

Hesearchesmyeyesagainwiththosebrilliantblue-graydepthsofhisandIrealizethatjusthearing

himsaythosewords,knowingthatI’mnotstuckhereifeverythingtanks,makesallthedifferenceinthe

world.“Thankyou,Luke.”Feelingembarrassed,Iglanceawaybeforemumbling,“Sorryforfalling

apartlikethat.”

HisfingersgentlyliftmychinuntilI’monceagainholdinghiseyes.“We’refriends.”Thenhe

surprisesmebygentlypressinghislipsagainstmine.Itlastsnolongerthanamoment.“Andfriendsare

alwaysthereforeachother.”

I’mnotsurewhattosay.I’mstillfeelingslightlystunnedbythatkiss.Imean,itwasn’tthisbighuge

kissbutstill…

Onceagain,hebreaksintomyjumbledthoughts.“Comeon,I’llwalkyoutothedoor.”

Hoistingasmile,Ifinallynod.“Okay.”Andthenwe’rebothexitingthetruckandLukeiscarrying

mysmallsuitcaseupthebrickwalkway.Beforewe’veevenmadeittotheporch,thedooristhrownwide

openasbothLexieandMirandabarreldownthewalkway.Bothofthemaresquealingastheyhurtletheir

smallcompactbodiesintomyopenarms.AndthenI’mhuggingthemtightlyagainstme.

“Imissedyousomuch,Cassy!”

MylittlesistershavealwayscalledmeCassyanditbringsasuddenrushoftearstomyeyestohear

themcallmeitagain.Ittakesmeamomenttorealizethatmyparentsarestandingintheopendoorway.

Bothofthemhaveeasysmilesontheirfaces.Andseeingtheircheerfulnessmakestheanxietyofmoments

agoslowlymeltawaylikesnowinApril.

MydadstretchesahandouttowardsLukewho,believeitornot,I’vecompletelyforgottenabout.

Straighteningup,IintroduceLuketomyparents.Heshakesboththeirhandsbeforesayinghellotomy

littlesistersasIintroducethemonebyone.Ratheramusingly,theybothactshy,hidingbehindmeallthe

whilepeekingoutandgigglingathim.Thethicktensionthathadbeenwellingupwithinmehasnow

completelydissolvedwiththefamiliaranticsofmysiblings.Withabigsmilelightingupmyface,Iroll

myeyesatLuke.Hegrinsrightbackatme.

Mydadsizeshimupbeforespeculationeruptsinhisoceanblueeyes.Ishakemyheadsubtlyin

response.Ireallydon’tneedmyparentsthinkingthatI’mhoppingfromoneguytoanother.

Thatgentleandsomewhatconfusingkisssuddenlynudgesitswaybackintomyconsciousness.

“Ibettergetgoing,”Lukefinallysaystoallofus.

“I’llwalkyoutothecar,”Imurmur,uncomfortablyawarethatfoursetsofinquisitiveeyesarenow

watchingus.Itoccurstomethatthisisthefirsttimemyfamilyhaseverseenmewithaboy.Italmost

feelslikeLukeandIshouldbebehindasheetofglassforallthegawkingandpointingthey’redoing.

Hesaysgoodbyetomyfamilybeforeweslowlywalktothedrivewaywherehistruckisparked.

Oncewegettothedriver’sside,webothpause.

“They’restillwatching,aren’tthey?”Hesaysthiswithahugefakesmileplasteredacrosshis

handsomeface.Hismouthbarelymovesashespeaks.

Imimichislunaticgrin.“Ofcoursetheyare.”

“Wellthisissuperawkward,”hesayswiththatsamemaniacalsmileheldfirmlyinplace.

Stillgrinningmadly,Iclenchmyteethtighter.“I’msureI’llbegiventhethirddegreeassoonasyou

pullaway.”

Hefinallylaughs,droppingthewholewideeyed,bigsmilethinghehadgoingon.Suddenlyhelooks

veryshywhichisactuallyquiteendearing.Thewayhecalmedmedownjustahandfulofmomentsago

flitsthroughmyheadrightbeforehesays,“SoIwaswonderingifmaybeyou’dliketogettogetherthis

weekend.”

Ashiswordsandtheirimplicationwashoverme,Iholdmybreathbeforesearchinghiseyes.Ilike

Luke.Ido.AndI’mattractedtohim.Imean,whowouldn’tbe?Maybethisconnectionbetweenusis

worthexploring.

Slowlymygazeshiftstomyfamilywhoisstillstandinginthedoorwaywatchingusasifwe’re

puttingonsomekindoftheaterproduction.Theycouldn’tbemoreobviousiftheypulledoutlawnchairs

fromthegarageandsatdownwithatubofpopcorn.

Howembarrassing.

WhenIdon’timmediatelyrespond,hisvoicebecomeslowandjustabittense.“Isthatano?”

Inhalingadeepbreath,Islowlypushoutthewords.“It’sayes.”

EventhoughI’minnowayoverCole,maybespendingsometimewithLuke,someoneIgenuinely

likeandfeelconnectedto,mightjusthelpwiththat.Imean,itcan’thurt,right?

Hebreaksintoanotherhugesmile.Althoughthankfullythisoneisn’tmaniacalinnature.“Great.I’ll

textyouonFridaywiththeplans.”

“Okay,”InodfeelingalittlebitnervousaboutwhatI’vejustsetintomotion,“thatsoundsgood.”But

maybealittleexcitedtoo.

BeforeIknowwhat’shappening,hepullsmeintoagentlehug,pressingmybodyagainsthislarger

one.Closingmyeyes,I’minstantlyassaultedbythecleanwoodsyscentofhimandthesolidnessofhis

widechest.I’minthemidstofinhalingadeeplungfulofhimwhenhepullsaway.Holdingmeatarm’s

length,hesmilesdownatmeagain.

“See?”Henodstowardsmyfamily.“Ithinkeverythingisgoingtobejustfine.Butifit’snot,all

youhavetodoiscall.Okay?”

Unabletocontainmysmilebecause,he’sright,everythingisgoingtobejustfinewithmyfamily,I

nod.“Thankyouforeverything.”

Climbingintothetruck,hestartstheengine,wavingtomystillgawkingfamilybeforebackingout

anddrivingaway.ForalongmomentIsimplywatchthetruckuntilitturnsthecornerandcompletely

disappearsfromsight.

Takinganotherdeepbreath,Itrysettlingmyscatteredthoughtsbeforeturningbacktowardsmy

family.NowthatLukeisgone,bothmysisterscomeracingtowardsmescreamingandshouting,before

sing-songing,“Cassyhasaboyfriend,Cassyhasaboyfriend!”

MyfaceturnsbeetredasIprotest,“Heisnotmyboyfriend.Lukeisjustafriend!”Thisdeclaration

doesn’thelpthesituationbecausetheyonlystartbeltingouttherefrainmoreexuberantlyonthefrontlawn

wherealltheneighborscanhearthem.AndLexieandMirandamaybephenomenaldancersbuttheycan’t

holdatunetosavetheirlittlelives.Althoughtheyare,unfortunately,loud.Ilooktomyparentsforhelp

inthismatterbutthey’remuchtoobusychucklingtodisciplinetheirunrulychildren.

AsIstompmywayintothehouse,Imutter,“Heisnotmyboyfriend.”

“Whateveryousay,Cassy,”mydadanswerswithasuperhugesmileandawink.

Unbelievable!

ChapterTwenty-Three

ThanksgivingDaypassesbyinabluroffoodandextendedfamilythatcampsoutatourhouseforthe

day.Wewakeupearly,preptheturkeybeforeshovingitintotheoven,andthensettlebacktowatchthe

Macy’sThanksgivingDayParadeonTV.AsIsitonthecouchwithmysisters,mydadisinhisrecliner

andmymomcontinuesputteringaroundinthekitchen.ItfeelsjustlikeitusedtobeforeIflunkedoutof

schoollastDecember.

AndIamseriouslylovingeverysinglemomentofit.

Littlemorethanamonthago,IwasbarelyincontactwithmyfamilyandnowI’mhomecelebrating

theholidayswiththem.Anditactuallyfeelsnormal.EventhoughIcouldn’thaveknownthateverything

wouldgosmoothly,IfeelstupidforpracticallyhavingananxietyattackinLuke’struck.Itjustprovesyet

againwhataniceguyheis.

Lexie,whoisfourteen,makesacommentaboutoneofthechoreographeddanceroutinesand

suddenlybothherandMirandaarejumpingoffthecouchandcopyingthedancersonTV.Asmyeyesdart

betweentheparadeandmysisters,Irealizethey’rebothabletoimitatetheperformersonTVperfectly.

MyjawdropsasIcontinuewatchinginamazement.“Wow!Whendidyoutwobecomesogood?”It

wouldseemasifyearsoflessonshavefinallypaidoff.

“We’rebothincompetitiondancetroupes.”Lexiethrowsthosewordsoverhershoulderasshe

keepsmoving.

“Ididn’tknowthat.”It’ssurprisingjusthowmuchthey’vegrownupoverthepastyear.Bothofthem

arewaymorematurethanwhenIleftforcollegefifteenmonthsago.InthatmomentasIwatchthem,I

vownevertolosecontactwitheitheroneofthemagain.It’slikeIblinkedmyeyesandtheygrewup.

AndImissedit.EventhoughI’mthrilledtobehomeagain,IwishIhadn’tmissedsomuch.

“Dancewithus,Cassy!”

“Yeah,Cassy,comeon.It’seasy,”Lexiechimesin.

Isnort.“Easyforyou,notme,”IreplyfromthecomfortofthecouchwhereI’mstillinmypajamas.

Whichalsojustsohappenstobeanothertraditionofours.Wedon’tbothergettingdresseduntilafterthe

paradeisover.

“Cassy,please?”Mirandagivesmeasadpoutyface.

“Ican’tdancelikeyouguys.”Iburrowintomyblanketthoroughlyenjoyingtheshowthesetwoare

puttingon.

Mydadlooksuplongenoughfromthenewspaperhe’sreadingonhistablettosay,“She’sahockey

player,girls,notadancer.Totallydifferentskillset.”

MysisterslaughbeforetheybothbegmeagaintojointhemandeventhoughI’mnowherenearthe

dancerstheyare,Idecidetogiveitmybestshot.

AndjustlikeIexpected,I’mterrible.Horrible,even.Sure,Icandancemyassoffatafratparty

withabunchofdrunkencollegekidsbutnexttomycompetitiondancesisters,Ilooklikean

uncoordinatedclod.Forthemostpart,I’mjustswingingmyarmsandlegsaround.KindoflikeI’m

spastic.

Butyouknowwhat?

I’mhavingthebesttime.Weallare.Mydadlooksupfromhistabletbarelyabletosuppresshis

laughter.Mymomstopswhatshe’sdoinginthekitchenandcomestostandnexttomyfather.Outofthe

cornerofmyeye,Iseethemshareaprivatelookandsmile.

Afteraboutaminute,thedancenumberonTVthankfullyends.Mysistersareinthesameposeasthe

dancersintheparade.SincethereisnowayinhellI’mendinglikethat,Idoabigspinnytwirlbefore

addingsomejazzhands.

Becausewhodoesn’tlikejazzhands?

Notthisgirl.

MysisterslaughhystericallyandIcan’thelpbutjointhemastheypileontopofmeinthemiddleof

thefamilyroom.

Laterthatevening,afterthegrandparents,aunts,uncles,andcousinshavefinallyheadedhome,I’m

lyinginmybed,scrollingthroughFacebookwhenthere’saknockonthebedroomdoor.Amomentlater,

mymompeeksherheadaroundthecorner.

“Areyoubusy?”

IscoochuponmybeduntilI’msittingcrosslegged.“No,justlookingatstuffonline.”

Shetakesaseatattheendofmybedbeforehereyeslatchontomine.“Todaywasnice,wasn’tit?”

BeforeIcananswer,shestartsshakingherheadlookingslightlyexasperated.“Yourcousin,Marcus,

nearlyateanentirepumpkinpiebyhimself.Thatpoorthingwasgroaningallthewaytothecarwhen

theyfinallyleft.Ireallyhopehedoesn’tthrowuplikehedidlastyear.”

Webothstartlaughingbecausethatkiddoesthesamethingeverysingleyear.Justanothertradition,I

guess.Sure,wecouldstophimbut…whowantstomesswithtradition?

Sobering,shesaysquietly,“It’snicetohaveyoubackhome,Cassidy.”

Herwordssetoffanexplosionofallthenostalgicemotionsthathavebeenplaguingmetoday.

Almostinstantlymychestconstrictswiththepressureofit.“It’sgoodtobeback,”Ifinallywhisper.

Shenods.“Wereallymissedyou.Allofus.”Nippingherbottomlipwithherteeth,sheadds,

“Especiallyyourdad.”

Todayhasfeltalmostlikeagift.I’msohappythatmyfamilyandIhavebeenabletoworkthings

out.ItoccurstomethatwithoutColecallingmydadandinvitinghimtomyfirstscrimmageatWestern,

thishomecoming-of-sortswouldn’tbehappening.

Iowehimsomuch.Myheartclenchesasthatthoughtrollsunwantedlythroughmyhead.

“IwantyoutoknowthatI’mreallyproudofyou.”

MybrowsdrawtogetherasIgivejustabitofanuncomfortablelaugh.“Forwhat?Flunkingoutof

schoolandgettingkickedoffthehockeyteam?”Unabletoholdhereyes,Ifocusonthewhitedresser

sittingagainstthefarwallofmyroom.I’mstillembarrassedthatIfellsocompletelyonmyasslastyear.

It’sonlywhenIfeelhertakemyhandthatmyeyescutbacktohers.“No,forpickingyourselfbackup

andhavingthecouragetotryagain.”

Self-consciouslyIjerkmyshouldersintoatightshrug.“Iwishithadneverhappened.IwishIcould

havejustgonetoschoolanddonewelllikeeverybodyelse.InsteadImadeabigmessoutofeverything

anddisappointedbothyouanddad.”

“Ohhoney,weshouldn’thavesentyoutoyourgrandparent’shousetoliveafteryoucamebackfrom

school.Ithinkwewerejustinastateofshock.Wedidn’tknowwhattodo.Herewesendouracademic

highachievingdaughterofftoplaydivisionIhockeyataprestigiouscollegeandsheendsupflunkingout,

gettingkickedofftheteam,ander…”

HerwordstrailoffawkwardlyasIcutin,“Yeah,wedon’treallyneedtorehashwhathappened.”

“Well,”shefinallysighs,“ithappened.Andyoucan’tgobackandundoit.Youjusthavetolearn

whatyoucanfromtheexperienceandcontinuemovingforward.Andthat’sexactlywhatyou’vedone.”

Shetakesadeepbreath,“WhatI’mtryingtosay,Cassidy,isthatI’mproudofyouforturningitaround.”

Thensheamends,“BothyourfatherandIareproudofyouforworkinghardthissemester.”

Inhalingadeepbreath,Ipushitoutslowlybecausewhatshe’ssayingreallymeansalottome.My

momandIdon’thaveasupercloserelationship.Itwasalwaysjustmeandmydad.Andshewasoff

withMirandaandLexieatdancecompetitionsandrecitals.It’sactuallykindofnicethatshe’shere,

tellingmethatshe’sproudofme.

Thatwe’rekindofhaving…well,nottosoundallsappybut…amoment.

“Thanksmom,forsayingallthat.”

Ratherunexpectedly,sheleansover,tuggingmeintoherarms.Atfirstitfeelsalittleuncomfortable

butafteramoment,Iallowmyselftomeltintoherembracebeforepullinghertightlytome.It’sbeen

difficulttofindthesilverliningsinwhathappenedlastyear.Butmaybethisnewrelationshipwithmy

momisoneofthem.

“SoIwaswondering,”shesaysbeforepullingaway,“ifyouwantedtogoshoppingtomorrow

morning.”

InalltheyearsIlivedathome,mymomandsisterswouldgetupsuperearlyandhitalltheafter

ThanksgivingDaysales.NormallyIwouldbeplayinginsometurkeyshootouttournamentbutthat’snot

thecasethisyearandI’msuddenlygladforit.

“I’dreallylikethat,mom.Thanksforasking.”

“Great.”Hereyestakeonaslylookbeforesheasks,“So,anyplanswiththatfoxyboywhogaveyou

andBrooklynaridehomeyesterday?”

MymouthdropsopenandIcan’thelpbutrepeatwithafairamountofhorrorfillingmyvoice,

“Foxy?Didyouseriouslyjustsaythat?”

Herbrowsdrawtogetherasshesayswithcompleteseriousness,“Isn’tthatthehiplingoalltheyoung

peopleareusingthesedays?”

SlowlyIshakemyhead.“Um,no.Andquitefrankly,Idon’twanttohearthatwordcomeoutofyour

moutheveragain.”Igivealittleshudder.“It’ssowrong,itcanneverberight.”

Herlipstwitchwithundisguisedhumor.“Howaboutsexy?Isthatbetter?Morestreet?Likewe’re

justacoupleofgalstryingtokeepitreal?”

Islapmyhandsovermyearsbeforehowling,“Ohmygod,that’sevenworse!”

Sheperksupbeforeasking,“Whatabouthot?”

Unabletobearanothermoment,Ipointtowardsthedoor.“Youneedtoleavenow.”

She’sfulloutlaughingandsoamI.

“Oh,wait,Iknow-smoking!”Thensheaddswithalittlewink,“Smokinghot!”Shenodsherhead

asifshe’stotallynaileditthistime.

“Areyoutryingtoscarmeforlife?Becausethat’swhat’shappeninghere.”

Shewavesahandatme.“Alright,alright.I’llstop.Sheesh.Ijustwantedtoknowaboutthecute

boywhodroveyouhome.”

NotsureifIwanttodiscussthewholeLukesituationwithmymother,Iflopbackontomybedbefore

nibblingmylowerlip.

“Hewasquitestudly.”

“You’reseriouslykillingme.Youknowthat,right?”Finallygivingup,Ithrowoutatinycrumbof

informationhopingshe’llrefrainfromusinganymorehiplingoassheputit.“He’sjustafriend.”

Sherollshereyesasifshedoesn’tbelievemeforasecond.“Well,itcertainlydidn’tseemthatway

tome.Helookedprettysmitten.”

Smitten?

Nope…nottouchingit.

“No,we’rejustfriends.”Idebatewhethertotackonrightnowbutthendecidenottobecausewho

knowswhat’sgoingtohappenbetweenus.

It’sactuallykindofamazingthatmymomandIareevenhavingthiskindofconversation.Imean,

we’venevertalkedaboutboysbefore.Eventhoughmyearsareliterallyburninginembarrassmentand

I’llprobablybementallyscarredforlife,it’sstillkindofnice.

Andyeah…I’msecretlyenjoyingit.

WhenIsaynothingmore,shewigglesherbrowsatme.“He’squiteagoodlookingyoungman.”She

leansjustabitcloserbeforeaddinginaloudwhisper,“andhehadoneheckofanicebuttonhim.”

IshriekagainbecauseIabsolutelydonotwanttohearmymothertalkingaboutsomeguy’sbutt.

Goodlord…

Shelaughs,“I’mold,Cassidy,notdead.There’sadifference.”

Um,clearly.

Ican’thelpbutdissolveintoanotherboutoflaughterasshedoesthesame.“IsLuketheboywho

invitedyourfathertothehockeygame?”Herbrowsdrawtogetherasifshe’stryingtokeepthingsstraight

inherhead.ThelaughterslowlydiesonmylipsasIshakemyhead.

“No,thatwasColewhocalleddad.”

Seemingtounderstandthatsomethingmusthavehappenedbetweenus,shenodsherhead.“Andis

thatboystillinthepicture?”

Thelaughterofmomentsagoisnowtotallyforgottenasmymindonceagainbecomesconsumedwith

Cole.“Idon’tthinkso,”Ianswersadly.

Shesearchesmyeyescarefullybeforeasking,“Youlikehimalot,thisCole?”

It’snotreallyaquestionIhavetothinkabout.“Yeah,Ido.”

Understandingseemstodawn.“SothisLukereallyisjustafriend?”

Stillfeelingconfusedonthatfront,Ishrug.“I’mnotsurewhatweareanymore.Imean,we’re

definitelyfriendsbutI’mnotsureifwe’lleverbemorethanthat.”

“Buthewouldliketobemore?”

“Yes,Ithinkso.I’mjustnotsureifthat’swhatIwant.IkindofstartedsomethingupwithColein

thebeginningofthesemesterandittookalongtimeformetotrusthim.I’mnotsureifIwanttogo

throughallthatagainrightnow.Ihavealotgoingonwithschoolandhockeyandtutoring.”

Almostabsentlysherunsherfingersthroughmyhairanditremindsmeofbeingasmallchildandher

tuckingmeinatnight.Shewouldalwaysrunherfingersthroughmyhairrightbeforekissingme

goodnight.I’mnotsurewhenshestoppeddoingthatbutI’mgladshe’shereandthatwe’retalking.

Reallytalking.

I’vealwaysenjoyedacloserelationshipwithmydad.OnlynowamIwonderingifmaybeitcameat

theexpenseoftheoneIcouldhavesharedwithmymom.It’snotsomethingIeverthoughtaboutbefore.

MaybeIshouldhave.

“Youdohavealotgoingonbutyoualsoseemtobehandlingit.ThebestadviceIcangiveyouisto

takethingsslowanddowhatfeelsright.Andmaybethat’sbeingonyourownrightnow.”Againshesifts

herfingersthroughmyhair.“Youknow,Ineverworriedaboutyouwithboys.Youwerealwaysso

focusedonhockeytotheexclusionofeverythingelse.Andmostofthetime,Iwasgladforit.Even

thoughyourlifetookaslightdetourlastyear,you’rebackontrackagain.Whateveryoudecidetodowill

betherightdecision.Ibelieveinyou,Cassidy.”

Leaningforward,Igiveheraquickhug.“Thanks,mom.”Closingmyeyes,Iinhalethesweetscent

ofherrosemarymintshampooanditcatapultsmebackintimetowhenlifefeltalotsimpler.

“Anytime,sweetie.”

Justasshepullsaway,myphonechimeswithanincomingmessage.Glancingdownatit,I’m

surprisedtoseeCole’snamepopup.

Mymomglancesdownatthescreenaswell.

“Cole,huh?”

Mywideeyesslideuptohers.Ilowermyvoiceasifhecanactuallyhearusdiscussinghim,“We

haven’ttalkedinawhile.”

“Thenitsoundslikeyoutwomighthavealottosaytooneanother.”Shesmilesbeforegettingup

andwalkingtowardsthedoor.“Oh,”sheturnsbacktowardsme,“theminivanpullsoutatfour.”

Iwinceattheideaofhaulingmyassoutofbedatthreethirtyinthemorningjusttogoshopping.I

can’thelpbutwonderwhatI’vegottenmyselfinto.

“Stillupforit?”

ImeetherquestioningeyesandknowthatIwouldgetupatanyungodlyhourinthemorningifit

meantspendingmoretimewithmyfamily.“Definitely,”Imurmurwithasmallsmile.

“Good.Ifyoumakeittotheafternoon,I’lltreatyoutolunch.”

Onebrowslidesup.“We’replanningtoshopforeighthours?”Talkaboutdaunting…Especially

sinceI’veneverbeenmuchofashopper.

“Atleast.”

MybrowsknittogetherasIstareather.“You’rekidding,right?”

Shepointstowardsherverysolemnlookingface.“Doesthislooklikethefaceofsomeonewhoisn’t

aseriousafterThanksgivingshopper?Sowearcomfortableshoes,dressinlayers,andpackafew

snacks.”

Mymouthliterallydropsopenassheclosesthedoor.ThenIrememberthetextfromColeandIall

butscrambletoopenthemessage.

Hopeuhadagoodturkeydaywithurfamily

SomethinginmyheartwarmsasIre-readhiswordsabouttenmoretimes.Theacheinmychest

intensifiesandI’mremindedofjusthowmuchImisshim.Ittakesagoodnineminutesandroughlythirty

draftsbeforeIgetitjustrightandhitthesendbutton.

Hadagreatt-daywiththefam-thankstou.Hopeyourswasjustasgood.

Foraboutfiveminutesafterthemessageisrocketedintospace,IwonderifmaybeIshouldhave

writtensomethingdifferent.MaybeIshouldhaveplayeditalittlecooler.Ireallyhatethiskindofstuff.

I’mnogoodatit.

Whenfifteenminutesslowlytickby,I’mjustabouttohurtlemyphoneacrosstheroomwhenitdings

withanotherincomingmessage.ThenI’mpracticallyfallingontopofitbeforequicklyopeningthetext.

Gladeverythingwentwell.Minewasgoodtoo.Playinghockeytmrw.U?

AsmallsmiletipsmylipsupwardsasIflopontomybed.AgainIcomposeabouttwentydifferent

responsesbeforeIactuallyhitsend.

Shoppingwithmymomandsisters.NotsurewhatIjustgotmyselfinto:0

SlowlyIreleaseapentupbreathashisresponsepopsupwithinafewminutes.It’skindof

unbelievablethatafterafullweeksincethatdisastrous,never-quite-made-it-to-lunchlunch,ColeandI

areactuallyconversingviatextmessages.WhatIdon’tknowisifIshouldreadanythingintoit.Coleis

asuperniceguyandIcouldseehimwonderingifeverythingisgoingokayformeafternotspeakingtomy

familyforalmostayear.Andwhenyouthinkaboutitlikethat,itmakesperfectsensethathewouldreach

out.

WhichprobablymeansIshouldn’treadanythingintothis.

It’sColejustbeing,well,Cole.

I’mgladthebreakisgoingwell.Havefuntmrw

Bitingdownonmylowerlip,Idebatewhattowrite.It’snowcompletelyobviousthathewasjust

concernedaboutmytriphome.

Havefunplayinghockey.CUwhen-

I’mabouttofinishthesentencewith-IgetbackbutIhavenoclueifI’llbeseeinghim.Arewe

suddenlygoingtostarttalkingagain?Idon’tknowandIreallydon’twanttoputmyselfoutthereby

implyingit.

Soinstead,Iendupcomposingafriendly,yetnottoofriendly,messageinreturn.

Havefunplayinghockeyandenjoytherestofurbreak

MythumbhoversoverthesendbuttonforjustamomentasIread,re-read,andthenreaditonelast

timebeforefinallyhittingit.

ChapterTwenty-Four

It’sslammedhometomeFridaymorningthatgettingupattheasscrackofdawntofightan

overzealouscrowdofcrazedshoppersforafewsweatersandacutepairofanklebootsisnotmyideaof

agoodtime.NotonlydowehitafewmallsbutthenIamdraggedagainstmywilltoTargetandWal-

MartformoreofthistortuousthingcalledBlackFridayshopping.IfInevershopanotherdayinmylife,

it’llbetoosoon.

Theonlythingthatmakesithalfwaybearableisthesteadysupplyofcaffeinatedbeveragesthatare

continuouslyshovedinmyhand.Brooklynalsoaccompaniesusonthisgodawfulexcursion.Although

sheseemstothoroughlyenjoythethrillofthehuntandexcitementovereverynewdiscoveryjustasmuch

asalltheotherdementedpeoplewhoareoutandaboutbeforethesunevenrises.Inotherwords,shefits

inperfectlywithmymomandsisters.I,ontheotherhand,couldn’tcareless.

Ihavetwowordstosumupthisday-

Never.

Again.

Idon’tthinkI’veeverfeltmoreexhaustedinmylife.Bythetimewereturnhomearoundtwointhe

afternoon,theonlythingIwanttodoiscrawlintobedandsleepfortherestoftheday.AndsinceIhave

noplans,Idojustthat.Isleepforaboutthreehours,gettinguparounddinnertime.

Grabbingmyphone,Irealizethereareafewtextmessageswaitingtoberead.Stillfeelingalittle

blurryeyed,myheartskipsabeatwonderingifmaybeColetextedagain.Scrollingthroughthemessages,

IseetherearetwofromBrooklynandonefromLuke.

NonefromCole.

Rationallyspeaking,IknowIshouldn’tbedisappointed…butIam.Absurdlyso.Whichonlymakes

mefeelcrabbierthanIalreadyam.

IreadthroughBrooklyn’stextaskingifI’mupforgoingouttonight.Ugh.Notreally.I’mstill

exhaustedfromtheridiculousamountofshoppingthatwasallbutforceddownmythroat.Andno,having

lunchattheCheesecakeFactorydidnotmakeanyofitbetter.ButIknowthatBrooklynwillonlyendup

harassingmeifIgiveherafirmnegativeatfiveo’clockintheeveningforbeinglame.SoIgivehera

noncommittalresponsethatIcanlaterbackoutof.

ThenIreadthroughLuke’stext.

Up4aparty2nite?

UnconsciouslyIgnawonmylowerlip.EventhoughIdon’treallywanttogoout,Iwonderifmaybe

Ishould.IgotmyhopesupwiththefewmessagesColeandIexchanged.Itseemsveryobviousnowthat

hewasjustcheckingintomakesureIwasokay.Becausethat’sthekindofguyColeis.It’soneofthe

reasonsIfellsohardforhim.He’sjustsoconsiderateandnice.

Thenagain,soisLuke.

AndIreallydolikehim…asafriend.MaybeIoweittomyselftoexploretheconnectionbetween

us.Ijustdon’tknow.ButmaybeIwon’tknowuntilItry.

BeforeIcanoverthinkit,Istarttyping.

Sure.CanBrooklyncome2?

I’mactuallyfeelingfairlycleveratthemomentforkillingtwobirdswithonestone.Ifnothingelse

comesoutoftonight,atleastit’llgetBrooklynoffmyback.

Histextpopsupalmostimmediately.

Sure.Pickubothupat9

Cuthen.

There.

Done.

Movingonwithmylife.

Suckinginadeepbreath,Ican’thelpbutwonderifI’vemadeagiganticmistake.

Fivehourslaterwe’reatthehouseofsomehighschoolfriendofLuke’s.There’satonofpeople,

noneofwhomIknowwhichmeansit’sprettymuchlikethepartiesatWestern.Lukehasbeenatmyside

theentirenight,introducingBrooklynandmetohisfriends.

AtsomepointduringtheeveningLukeslipsmyhandintohis.ForjustamomentIstaredownatthe

connectiontryingtodecideifmovinginthisnewdirectionwithLukefeelsright.Myeyesfinallyslide

backtohisandwhentheymeet,somethingjoltsthroughme.HislipstiltupatthecornersandIcan’thelp

butreturnthesmilewithahesitantoneofmyown.

HeleanstowardsmesoIcanhearhimoverthemusic.“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”

MyusualMOistostickwithwater.AlthoughI’lloccasionallyhaveabeer.ButIdon’tmakeahabit

ofdrinkingmyselfsilly.TheremnantsoflastyearandthetroubleIgotmyselfintoareneververyfar

frommymind.Plus,I’vediscoveredthatIlikebeingincontrol.Andit’shardtobeincontrolwhen

you’retotallyshitfaced.

Shakingmyhead,Isay,“No,I’mgood.”

Almostimmediately,understandingfloodsthroughhisblue-grayeyes.Itshouldembarrassmethathe

knowswhyI’mnotmuchofadrinker.Butsurprisingly…itdoesn’t.Lukeknowseverything-alltheugly

littledetailsoflastyearandhestillacceptsmeforwhoIam.

Fortherestofthenight,wedanceandlaughandhaveareallygoodtime.Bytheendoftheevening

it’scompletelyobvioushowwelllikedLukeisamonghisfriends.Brooklynalsoseemstobehavingfun.

She’sbeenoffdancingwithanumberofdifferentguysthroughouttheevening.

WhichisexactlywhyIdoadoubletakewhenAustinwalksthroughthefrontdoor.Forjustamoment

Ican’tfigureoutwhathe’sdoinghere.That’swhenmyeyesarrowsuspiciouslytoBrooklyn’s.

AndjustlikeIsuspected,shedoesn’tlookatallsurprisedtoseehim.

AsImakemywayovertothem,Austinfinallyripshiseyesawayfromhertomeetmine.“Hey,

Cassidy.How’sitgoing?”

“Prettygood.Ididn’texpecttoseeyouheretonight.”

Forjustamoment,hisgazeslidestothetallblondenexttohimbeforeheshrugshisbroadshoulders.

“I’mgivingBrooklynaridehome.”

Ican’tresistneedlingthepairofthembecausetheirrelationshiphasseriouslymovedbeyond

ridiculous.Clearlythisismorethanjustabootycallorfriends-with-benefitssituationorwhateverthe

heckthey’renowcallingit.“Oh,soyoulivecloseby?”IgivehimawideeyedlookbecauseIknow

darnwellhedoesn’t.

Austin’scheeksreddenslightlybeforeheclearshisthroat.“Aboutanhourorso.”

Moreliketwoandahalf.Takingpityonhim,becausehereallymustcareforher,Idecidenottocall

himoutonit.

IglanceoveratBrooklynbutshe’sstudiouslyavoidingmyeyes.“Well,thatwascertainlyniceof

youtodriveallthewayoverheretotakeBrookhome.”

Thatremarkismetwithdeafeningsilence.AlthoughBrooklynhasapparentlydecidedthatshe’shad

herfillofmycommentsandpromptlyshootsmeawell-honeddeathglare.

AssoonasLukejoinsus,theairimmediatelyshiftsmakingeverythingfeelchargedand

uncomfortable.EventhoughAustinandLukeareteammates,thestrainbetweenthemispalpable.

Obviouslywhat’sgoingonwithColeandLukehasbledovertoAustin.Whichsucks.

Austingiveshimastiffchinliftingreeting.“What’sup,Wellington.”

Lukesettlesanarmaroundmyshouldersmakingitcompletelyclearthatwe’retogether.“Notmuch.

Howaboutyou?”

AhardglintentersAustin’seyesashetakesinhowcloseLukeandIarestanding.“Brookcalled,so

I’mgoingtotakeherhometonight.”Hisnarrowedgazeslowlyshiftstome.“Youneedalifthome,

Cassidy?”HenodshisheadtowardsBrooklyn.“We’regoingtohangoutforawhile.Sinceyou’reright

nextdoor,wecandropyouoff.”

UneasebloomsandgrowsasIshiftfromfoottofootwantingtodefusethethick,suffocatingwavesof

tensionthathavenowfallenoverthefourofus.Frombeneathmylashes,IglanceatLuke.Atthispoint,

we’rejustfriendsbutI’msureAustinisassumingdifferently.

Myhearttripswonderingifhe’llmentionittoCole.

ThenIimmediatelywonderifitevenmatters.

Myguessisthatitdoesn’t.

“I’lltakeherhome,”Lukerepliesbeforetuggingmejustabitcloser.It’sbeginningtofeelasifI’m

inthemiddleofapissingmatchbetweenthesetwo.WhichisridiculousbecauseAustinhasnoreasonto

beangrywithLuke.ColeandIaren’ttogetheranymore.AndifthewidevarietyofgirlsI’veseenhim

witharoundcampusisanyindication,thenColehasdefinitelymovedonwithhislife.AndIshould

probablydothesame.

Clearingmythroat,Ifinallysay,“I’mgoingtostaywithLuke.He’lldrivemehome.”IgiveAustina

smallsmile.ForjustamomentIholdmybreathbecauseitlookslikehemightargue.

InsteadhenodshisheadbeforegrabbingBrooklyn’shand.“Seeyouatschool,Cassidy.”Heflicksa

lookatLuke.“Wellington.”

Inod,instantlyrelievedthatAustinandBrooklynaretakingoff.“Yep.”

Oncethey’reoutthedoor,IfinallyreleasethepentupbreathI’vebeenholdingbeforemyeyesfinally

driftbacktoLuke’s.“Thatwaskindof…weird.IsthereaproblembetweenyouandAustin?”

Shrugginghiswideshoulders,hiseyestakeonashutteredlook.“Nope,noneatall.”Thenhe

changesthesubject.“Youreadytotakeoff?”

Becauseit’sobvioushedoesn’twanttodiscussthesituation,Iletitgo.“Yeah,Iam.”

“Okay,letmejustsaygoodbyetoafewfriendsandthenwecanheadout.”

It’sanotherthirtyminutesbeforewefinallyleave.OntheridehomeIcan’thelpbutthinkabout

Austin’sbehaviorwhichnaturallymakesmethinkofCole.Ican’tdenythatalittlepangoflongingslides

throughmeasIdo.

“Youokay?You’vebeenreallyquiet.”

Lukeglancesoveratmeaswedrivethroughthedarkness.Idon’trealizejusthowlostinthought

I’vebeenuntilhepullsthetruckintomydriveway.Heleavesitrunningbeforeturningtowardsme.

Bitingmylip,Idebatewhetherornottotellhimthetruth.Butthethingis,LukeandIarefriendsand

Iwanttobehonestwithhim.“IwasjustthinkingaboutCole.”

Ifhe’sbotheredbymyanswer,hedoesn’tshowanyoutwardappearanceofit.“BecauseofAustin

showinguptonight?”

Ijerkmyshoulders.“Yeah,Iguess.”ButColehasbeenonmymindsince…I’mtryingtothinkofa

timewhenIhaven’tbeenconsumedwiththoughtsofhimandIcan’t.

“Haveyoutalkedwithhimlately?”Hiswordshitmequietlyinthedarkenedtruck.

“Weexchangedafewtextsyesterday.”

Helooksdownathislapforjustaheartbeatortwobeforehiseyesslowlyskewermine.Amoment

later,hereachesouttakingholdofmyfingers.Nowit’smyturntoglancedownatourclaspedhands.I

can’thelpbutnoticehowsmall,almostdelicate,myhandlooksinhislargerone.Ialsorealizethatevery

timehedoesit,itfeelsjustalittlemorenatural.

“Iknowyou’restillgettingoverCole.”Hepausesforamomentbeforecontinuingquietly,“AndI

knowthatyou’renotreadytogetinvolvedwithanyoneelsejustyetbutI’llwait,Cassidy.Foraslongas

ittakes,I’llwait.”

Ashiswordswashoverme,myeyeswiden.I’mnotquitesurewhattosay.“Luke,I-”

Hesqueezesmyhandgentlyinhisownbeforeshakinghishead.“Don’tsayanythingrightnow.I

knowyouneedmoretime.Butthere’ssomethingbetweenus.Eversincethatnight…”Hiswordstrail

offasmymindtumblesbacktolastyear.

Tohim…

“I’vethoughtaboutyoueversincethen.”Hiseyescradlemine.Thereisanoceanofemotion

swimmingaroundthoseblue-graydepthsofhis.Itarrowsclearthroughmeashewhispers,“Iwanttobe

withyou.”

“Luke,”hisnamerollssoftlyoffmylipsbutI’mnotexactlysurewhattosaytotheenormousnessof

hiswordsortheirmeaning.

Hisotherhandcomesuptotenderlystrokemycheekandeventhoughitfeelsdistinctlydifferentthan

whenColehasdonethesameexactthing,itdoesn’tfeelbad.Itactuallyfeelskindof…nice.Squeezing

myeyestightlyclosed,mymindcontinuestosomersault.

“Giveusachance,”hewhispers,“achancetobemorethanwhatweare.”

“Istilllovehim,”Ifinallymurmurbecauseheneedstounderstandwhathe’supagainst.

Hisfingerscontinuecaressingmycheek.Themovementissoftanddeliberate.“Iwishyoudidn’t.”

WhenIfinallyliftmylashes,Ifindhiseyesburningintomine.“Iknow.”Ourgazescatchandlock

assomethingtangiblesparkstolifebetweenus.

Andthenhe’sleaningforward.Slowly.Ohsoslowly.Iknowhe’sgivingmetimetoendwhatever

issuddenlyunfurlingbetweenusbut…butIdon’tthinkIwantto.

Maybe…

MaybethisiswhatIneedtogetoverCole.

Whenhislipsgrazemine,they’renothingmorethanatendercaress.Onestroke,thentwo.He

touchesmytoplip,thenmybottombeforeslidingtenderlyoverbothofthem.It’sgentlythathekissesthe

cornersofmymouthbeforesettlinghislipsovermine.

Whenhepullsback,IrealizethatI’mnotquitereadytolethimgo.Hiseyessearchmineforjusta

momentbeforeheleansforwardagain,hislipsbrushingoverminewithsoftseductivestrokes.

Wekissforafewmoreminutesbeforeheendsit.WhenIfinallyopenmyeyes,hewhispers,“Iwant

youtothinkaboutthat,Cassidy.”

BecauseI’mfeelingwaytoostunnedtostringwordstogether,Iblinkafewtimesinanswer.

“Comeon,I’llwalkyoutothedoor.”Andthenhe’sgone,joggingaroundthefrontofhistrucktomy

side.Openingmydoor,hehelpsmeout.Aswestandfacingeachotheronthelawnoutsidemyhouse,he

pullsmetohimuntilI’mwrappedupinhisstrongembrace.UntilIcanrestmyheadagainstthesolid

wallofhischestandclosemyeyes.

UntilIcanbreathehimin.

“I’mnotgoingtopushyouintoanything,Cassidy.You’retheonewhohastodecidewhatyouwant.”

Hepausesbeforeadding,“Whoyouwant.”Pullingback,heholdsmygazeinthedarkness.“Ithinkwe

couldbegoodtogether.Givemeachancetoshowyoujusthowgoodwecouldbe.IfI’mtheoneyou

wanttobewith,thenit’suptoyoutomakethenextmove.”

Mymindwhirlswitheverythinghe’sjustsaid.“Okay,”Ifinallywhisper.

JustwhenIwonderifhemightkissmeagain,heturns,towingmeslowlytowardsthefrontdoor.

Oncewe’restandingundertheporchlight,hetugsmeintohisarms,holdingmybodyclosetohis.

“I’llpickyouuponSundayaroundtwosowecanheadbacktoschool.LetBrooklynknow.”

Unabletospeak,Isimplynodmyhead.Drawingaway,hiseyescontinueholdingminebeforehe

slowlyleansinagain,pressingatenderkisstothecornerofmymouth.Andthenhe’sgone.Leavingme

tostandaloneonthefrontporchwiththecoldswirlingaroundme.

Walkingbackwardsdownthebrickpathway,hiseyescradleminetheentiretime.“Goinside,it’s

coldouthere.”

Feelingridiculouslyscattered,Inodoncemore.AsIstepintothehouse,Iglancebackathimonelast

time.Thewayhisheatedgazesearsminehaslittleshiversdancingdownmyspine.Closingthedoor,I

leanheavilyagainstitbeforeblowingoutalongslowbreath.

ChapterTwenty-Five

Cole

“Cole,someone’satthedoor,canyoupleaseanswerit?Myhandsarefullofflour.”

Mymomyellsthewordsfromthekitchenwhereshe’sbakingChristmascookies.Already.ButI’m

coolwithit.MoreformetotakebacktothehousewhenIfinallyleavetomorrowafternoon.Pausingfor

justaminute,Ican’tripmyeyesawayfromthelastplayofthefirstquarterofthegameI’mwatching.

Thebellringsforasecondtimejustastheballisbeingpassedand…

“Cole?”Sheshoutsmynameagain.Exceptthistimethere’sjustahintofexasperationlacingit.

Andthat’snevergood.

“I’monit!”

Butnotreally.

Fumble.

Damn.

Shakingmyhead,IjogovertothedoorbeforethrowingitwideopenonlytowishIhadignoredit.

AsIstare,thecornersofherlipsedgeuptentatively.“Hi,Cole.”

WhenIdon’timmediatelyrespond,sheshiftsfromonefoottotheotherbeforestuffingherhandsinto

thepocketsofherjacket.I’mguessingithasmoretodowithdiscomfortratherthanthecold.Althoughit

isdamnfrigidout.

“Hey.”Ifshe’sexpectingawarmandcuddlygreeting,she’sinforarudeawakening.

Afterafewuncomfortablemomentsofsilenceslowlycreepby,sheclearsherthroat.“Iwas

wonderingifIcouldcomeinsowecould…talkforafewminutes?”

“Ummm…”Iscratchthebackofmynecktryingtocomeupwithaplausibleexcuseastowhythat’s

notagoodidea.Youknow,otherthantheobvious...ButI’vegotnothing.“I’mkindofinthemiddleof

somethingrightnow.”Likeawholedamndayoffootball.Makethatawholedamnweekendoffootball.

Imayplayhockey,butIstilllovecollegeball.Ofcourseitwouldn’tmatterifIwasboredoffmyass,I

stillwouldn’twanttohashoutallthisshitwithher.Becauselet’sfaceit,that’sexactlywhatshewantsto

do.AndI’moverit.I’vemovedon.

Herbrowlifts.“I’dlayoddsthatyou’reinthemiddleofwatchingtheOhioState-Michigangame.”

That’sexactlywhatI’minthemiddleofandthefactthatshesoeasilyguesseditleavesmefeeling

justabitsurly.Idon’tlikethatafterayearspentapartshe’sstillabletopredictmybehavior.Folding

myarmsacrossmychest,IcasuallyleanagainstthedoorframebecauseI’llbedamnedifI’mgoingto

invitethisgirlinside.“SowhatifIam?”

Apparentlymychurlishtoneisenoughtodeflateallherhopesbecauseshepracticallyfoldsinon

herselfrightbeforemyveryeyesmakingmefeellikearealprick.Treatinggirlslikecrapgoesagainst

everythingmyparentsevertaughtme.Andsoit’swithgrittedteeththatIbegrudginglyswingmyarm

towardsthelivingroomwhereI’mcampedoutforthedaywithGatoradeandenoughsnackstolastmefor

atleastthreedays.

“Youcancomein…”Ihavetoforcemyselftogritouttherest,“ifyouwant.”That’saboutas

graciousasit’sgoingtoget.

Lookinggrateful,shequicklynodsbeforesteppingoverthethresholdandintotheentryway.

“Sowho’swinning?”GlancingtowardsthehugeTVinthelivingroom,sheslowlyunwrapsher

jacketbeforelayingitoveroneendofthecouch.

“Michigan.”

Shesmilesthinlybeforemurmuring,“GoWolverines.”

Mylipshitch.Michiganjustsohappenstobeoneofmyfavoriteteamsandsheknowsit.Some

thingschange.Otherthings,notsomuch.

AnawkwardsilencedescendsasbothofoureyesdrifttotheTVjustasthesecondquartergetsunder

way.I’msuddenlywishingthatIhadn’tinvitedherin.There’suncomfortableandawkward…andthen

there’ssuckingass.

Makenomistake-thissucksmajorass.

It’salmosthardtobelievethatonceuponatime,wewerebestfriends.Thatthoughtisquickly

swallowedupbysadnessandthenanger.

“Whowasatthedoor?”

Ialmostgroanasmymotherwalksintothelivingroomjustasshe’sdryingherhandsonadish

towel.HerfeetgrindtoahaltashergazeunexpectedlylandsonJackie.Thewideningofhereyeswould

actuallybecomicalifIdidn’tknowhowoverjoyedshewastoseemyex-girlfriend(AKA-herpseudo-

daughter)backunderherroofaftermorethanayearofexile.

Yep,waitforit-

“Jackie!”Thewomanactuallyclapsherhandstogether,obviousdelight(certainlymorethanI’m

feelingatthemoment)lightingupherface.Thisencounterjustwentfrombadtoworseinlessthana

millisecond.“It’ssowonderfultoseeyouagain!”

Jackie’swholedemeanorchangesjustbeforeshehurtlesherselfintomymother’soutstretchedarms.

Theyhugforwhatseemslikeabazillionyears.Iwanttorollmyeyesbutdon’t.I’mnotfour,afterall.

Whentheyfinallypullapart,mymother’sdeepbrowneyesfastenontomineinquestion.Morelikea

hundredofthem.She’striedcountlesstimestonudgemeintoforgivingJackieforwhathappened

betweenus.Ishrugbeforeadding,“Shestoppedover.”Hopefullyshe’sabletoreadbetweenthelines,

whichistosaythatthisimpromptugettogethersureashellwasn’tmyidea.

“It’ssogoodtoseeyoutwotalkingagain.”Mymothergivesheranotherlittlesqueezebeforetossing

mealookthatisfullofhappiness.“It’sjustlikeoldtimes,isn’tit?”

Jackiesmilesinresponse.Isaynothingtothatloadedquestion.Imean,whatthehellamIreally

supposedtosay?Weallknowthatthisisnothinglikeoldtimes.

“Okay,well,Ineedtoruntothestoretopickupmoreflour.Ishouldbebackinaboutthirty

minutes.”Hergazebouncesbetweenthepairofusbeforeshefinallyexitstheroomgivingusonemore

pleasedlook.

Jackiestaresaftermymotherwithalookoflonging.“I’vereallymissedher,”shefinallymurmurs.

“Well,youcouldalwaysseeifshe’llgooutwithyou.”ThewordsshootoutofmymouthbeforeI

canreinthembackin.NotthatIactuallywantto…

Withasigh,myex-girlfriendplunksherselfbackdownontothecouch.“Sowhere’sThomas?Ishe

around?”

WithmyeyesgluedtotheTV,Isay,“He’sworkingatthehospital.”

AnotherthickblanketofsilencefallsoverusaswebothgobacktostaringattheTV.AsmuchasI

wanttoenjoythisgame…that’snotgoingtohappen.Afterfivemoretortuouslyslowminutespassby,I

decideIcan’ttakeanothermomentofthis.

“So,whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?”

ThelasttimeIsawherwasatthatunfortunatehockeygamewhereIlostmyshit.Whichalsojustso

happenstobethenightCassidyandIbrokeup.WespokebrieflywhenIcameoutofthelockerroombut,

forobviousreasons,Iwasinnomoodtoconverseafterhavingcoachallbutramhissizetwelvebootup

myass.

Shebitesherlipasifsilentlydebatingwithherselfjusthowtoproceed.

LikeIsaidbefore,wemayhavebeenincommunicadoforayearbutIstillknoweverysinglelook

andgesture.Iguessthat’swhatyougetwithmorethanadecadeoffriendshipunderyourbelt.

Finallyshestammers,“I…well,Iwashopingwecouldtalkaboutwhathappened…to,um,putit

behindus.”Shegulpsbeforepushingouttherest.“Maybestartoveragain.”Hervoicebecomesthinner

assherunsoutofsteam.“Weweresuchgoodfriends,Cole.Imissthat.Imissyou.”

Herwordshavemesnappingstraightupbeforejerkingmybodytowardsher.“Areyouseriousright

now?”Withmyeyesonher,Istartshakingmyheadbackandforth.

“Youhavesomenerveshowingupatmydoorafteryouscrewedmeover.Andnowyouwantto

pretendthatitneverhappenedsowecanmagicallygobacktobeingfriendsagain?You’retheonewho

shitalloverourfriendship,Jackie.Notme.”Ican’thelpbutplowmyfingersroughlythroughmyhairin

aggravation.“Christ.Youweren’tjustmygirlfriend,youweremybestfriend.Whatyoudidtotally

sucked.”MyeyesnarrowasIinhaleanotherdeepbreath.I’mtryingmydamnedesttoremaincalmand

undercontrol.Honestly,I’mnotaguywholoseshisshiteasily.

Butthis…Yeah.

“Didyoureallythinkitwouldbethatsimple?Thatyouwouldjustwaltzinhereanddecidewe

shouldbefriendsagainandpoof-wewouldbe?Thatitcouldallgobacktothewayitwasbeforeyou

cheatedonme?”Ithinkthere’sanexcellentchanceI’mfrothingatthemouthrightnow.

Shehasthegoodgracetoflushatmyharshwords.Itdoesn’ttakemorethantensecondsfortearsto

fillherbigbrowneyes.Onceuponatime,thatwouldhavebeenenoughtohavemebackingdownand

apologizingbutthat’snolongerthecase.

Thisgirlrippedmyheartoutlastyear.

Andthenstompedalloverit.

“IknowIhurtyou,”shewhispersinathickvoiceoverflowingwithunspentemotion,“Inevermeant

foranyofittohappen.”

Feelingtiredandangry,Ifinallyask,“Seriously,whatdoyouwantfromme?”

Shegulpsbeforeslowlypushingoutthewords.“Iwantyoutoforgiveme.”

Shakingmyhead,Iactuallystartlaughing.Kindoflikealunatic.Eithershe’slostitorIhave.At

thispoint,I’mnotreallysure.“Yeah,Idon’tthinkIcandothat.”

“It’sbeenoverayear,Cole.Can’tweatleasttrytomoveon?”

“Iknowexactlyhowlongit’sbeen,”Isnap.EventhoughI’dthoughtIwascompletelyoverher,over

whathappenedbetweenus,Irealizethatit’sstillfesteringwithinme.

“Iscrewedup.”Hereyesturnpleadingasshecontinues,“AndIhurtmybestfriendintheprocess.”

Thethingthatsucksmostisthatshereallyhadbeenmybestfriend.

Iwastenyearsoldwhenmydaddiedandshe’stheonewhosatupintreehousewithmeforhourson

endwhileIsobbedlikealittlegirl.Icanstillrememberwhatitfeltliketohavethosescrawnyarmsof

herswrappedtightlyaroundme.HoldingontomefordearlifeasifImightjustfloatawayifshedidn’t

anchormetotheearth.IcanstillpicturehersittingononeofourdilapidatedlawnchairswhileIslapped

shotaftershotatthenetinourdrivewaytryingdesperatelytochannelallofmyangerandragetowards

somethingotherthanthedrunkfuckerwhostolemyfatherfromme.

Andthen,lateroninmiddleschool,Imadesurenooneevermessedwithher.EventhoughIwasn’t

afighter,Ikickedanyone’sasswhogavehershit.Somewheretowardstheendofmysophomoreyearin

highschool,IrealizedthatshewastheonlygirlIwantedtobewith.ThatwhatIfeltforherwentway

beyondfriendship.

So,yeah,herbetrayalcuttothebone.

Andithurtlikehell.

Maybeitstilldoes.

Suckinginadeepbreath,anotherbigfattearslowlytreksitswaydownhercheek.Ireallyhatewhen

girlscry.EventhoughIknowexactlywhatwouldmakethetearsstop,Ican’twrapmylipsaroundthe

words.

“I’msorry,Ijustcan’trightnow.”

Thankgodmymom’snothere.She’dwanttohavesomeimpromptutherapysessionwhereweallsit

downanddiscussourfeelingsaboutwhathappenedandhowwecanmoveforwardwithoneanother.

Nothanks.

“Why?”It’saquestionthat’sbeengnawingatthebackofmymindforawhilenow.OneIhaven’t

reallyallowedmyselftothinkabout.“Why’dyoudoit?”

Hereyescutawayasanotherthicksilencetriestosuffocatetheverylifeoutofus.Foralong

momentIwonderifshe’llbotheranswering.Maybeshedoesn’thaveone.Atleastoneshe’swillingto

sharewithme.Butthenhereyesarrowbacktomine.EventhoughIdon’twanttoseeit,hurtandpain

throbandpulsewithintheirdeepdarkdepths.

“WhenIleftOakton,IthoughtI’dbegoneforfouryears,getmydegree,ajob,andthenwewould

settledownsomewhereandstartourlifetogether.”

Yep…thatprettymuchsoundsliketheplanwehadtalkedabout.

WhenIdon’tsayanything,shecontinues.“AndIwantedthat.Iwantedyou.”Sheaddsvehemently,

“Ialwayswantedyou.”

Notunderstanding,Ishakemyhead.“Thenwhatthehellhappenedtochangeallthat?”Because

obviouslysomethinghappened.

Sheswipesatanothertearbeforejerkinghershouldersintoatightshrug.“Idon’tknow.Itwasn’t

likeIsetouttocheatonyou.Ididn’t.Imetthisguyandatfirst,wewerejustfriends.Ilikedhangingout

withhim.YouhadbeenmybestfriendforsolongthatIthinkbeingwithhimjustfeltnormal.Butthe

moretimewespenttogether,themoremyfeelingschanged.Istartedlookingforwardtobeingwithhim.

Andfeelingthat-thatpulltowardssomeoneelsewasconfusing.Itmademequestionourrelationship.”

FeelingasifI’vejustbeenslapped,Ijerkbackinmychair.“Thenyoushouldhavebeenupfront

aboutthat.Youshouldhavepulledthepluginsteadofstringingmealongwhileyouwerehookingupwith

someotherdude.”

Shakingherhead,tearssilentlyslidedownherpalecheeks.“Atfirst,I-Iwasgoingtotellyou.Iwas

goingtobreakitoff.”Lookinglostinthepastsheadds,“IthoughtIlovedhim.”

Thosewordsshouldn’thavethepowertohurtme…andyettheydo.

“ButI-Iwaswrong.Whatwehadwasn’treal.IwasstupidandIfellforsomeoneIshouldn’thave.

Wewereonlytogetherforafewweeksandthenitended.”Hereyesdroptoherlap.Hervoiceislower,

raspierwhenshefinallycontinues.“Atthatpoint,Ijustwantedtopretendthewholethinghadnever

happened.BeingwithhimshowedmejusthowmuchIlovedyou.ButIwasafraidthatifItoldyouthe

truth,Iwouldenduplosingyou.AndIdidn’twanttotakethatchance.”

Ican’tbelievesheevenconsideredkeepingallthisfromme.

“ButthenIfoundoutIwaspregnantandIknewIcouldn’tpretendthatithadneverhappened.”

Igiveherahardpenetratinggaze.I’dhonestlythoughtIcouldn’tbeanymorepissedoffaboutthe

situation.

Iwaswrong.

Hershouldersslumpasshesaysinathinreedyvoice,“Ididn’twanttoloseyou.BythenIhad

realizedwhatahugemistakeI’dmade.”

WhenshehadfinallycalledmerightbeforeThanksgivingbreaktotellmewhatwasgoingon,I’d

beentooshellshockedtodoanythingotherthanshutdown.ThereI’dsat,holdingthephone,feeling

blindsidedandnumb.Asifwhatwashappeningcouldn’tpossiblybereal.

Notmygirlfriend.

Notmybestfriend.

Butyeah…Mygirlfriend.Mybestfriend.

Thisisactuallythefirsttimewe’vesatdownfacetofaceanddiscussedwhathappenedbetweenus.

Christ.

I’dreallythoughtIwasoverallthisbullshitbutIguessnot,becausehurtandangerarebubblingup

withinmelikeageyser.I’mallbutchokingonit.Idon’tevenrealizethatmyfingersarediggingintothe

armsofthechairI’msittingonuntilpainstartsshootingthroughthem.OnlythendoIslowly,

methodicallyflexandrelaxmyfingers.

BeforeIcansayanythingelse,shecontinues,“WhatIdidwaswrong.Iwasstupidtoeverdoubt

whatwehad.YouhavenoideahowmuchIwishIwould’vejuststayedinOaktonwithyou.”She

swipesatthetearsthatarestillrunningdownhercheeks.“IthinkwewouldstillbetogetherifI’ddone

that.IftherewasawayformetofixwhatIdid,Iwould.Inaheartbeat.IhurtyouandIruined

everythingwehad.I’llalwaysregretthat,Cole.I’llalwaysregrethurtingyou.Losingyou.”

Asshesaysthosewords,allofthehopesanddreamswe’dtalkedaboutslowlyrollthroughmy

head.Eventhoughwehadbeenyoung,we’dstillplannedafuturetogether.ButwhenIthinkaboutall

thosehopesanddreamsnow,Jackieisn’ttheonefillingmythoughts.

Cassidyis.

Wemaynotbetogetherrightnowbutthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotthinkingabouther.OrthatIdon’tstill

loveher.Anditmighthavebeentooearlytobethinkingaboutafuturebut…there’sthisconnection

betweenusandIguessIwaskindofhopingwewouldhaveachancetofigureitout.

That’sthemomentitreallyhitsmethatifJackieandIwerestilltogether,ifshehadactuallycometo

Westernwithme,Iwouldn’thavemetCassidy.Wewouldn’thavehadthechancetofallinlove.Myeyes

slowlysearchJackie’sandastheydo,Irealizethatmaybewhathappenedbetweenushappenedfora

reason.Yeah,ithurtlikehellbutthatdoesn’tmeanitwasn’tforthebest.I’malmostsurprisedwhen

someofthefesteringangerslowlyslipsaway.

Itreallyisoverbetweenus.

Idon’tloveheranymore…butIdon’thatehereither.ThisisthefirsttimeI’veactuallybeenableto

saythat.AsIcontinuestaringatthegirlwhousedtobemybestfriend,Ifeelsomeoftheresentmentfall

awayaswell.Idon’twanttohateheranymore.ThatkindofenergycanconsumeyouifyouletitandI’m

donelettingiteatawayatme.

“Doyouthinkthere’sanychanceforustostartover?Toworkthingsout?”Big,crystal-liketears

shimmerinhereyesassheholdsherbreathwaitingformyanswer.

AnotherstartlingrealizationisthatIdon’twanttohurther.Adifferentkindofguywouldberelishing

thismomentandlookingtometeoutalittlejustice.FinallyIshakemyhead.“No,there’snot.”Andeven

thoughI’mnotquitesurewhyIsaythewords,theyfeelrightslippingoffmytongue.“I’msorry.It’sjust

notgoingtohappen.”

Squeezinghereyestightlyshut,Iwatchasafewmoretearstraildownherfacebeforeshejerksher

headinacceptance.“Ididn’tthinksobutIhadtoask.”

InodmorebecauseIdon’tknowwhatelsetodo.

Inaverysmallvoice,shefinallyasks,“Isitbecauseofthegirlyou’reseeing?”

ForjustamomentIdon’tsayanything.I’mnotsureifIwanttotellheraboutwhat’sgoingon.My

personallifeisnolongeranyofherbusiness.ButthenIdecidethatitreallydoesn’tmatter.Regardless

ofCassidy,JackieandIareoverwith.“We’renottogetherrightnow.”

Somethingflickersinhereyesbeforeshehesitantlyasks,“Butyoustillloveher?”

“Yes,”Iadmitsoftly.Ihonestlycan’timaginenotlovingher.Isuckinabreathasthatthoughtrips

throughme.

Dragginghereyesawayfromme,shefinallynodsinunderstanding.Webothsitsilentlyandjust

whenIstarttowonderifthiswholethingisgoingtoturnawkwardagain,shefinallysays,“Ifyoulove

her,don’tlethergo.Don’tmakeamistakethatyou’llregretfortherestofyourlife.”

MysurprisedeyescollidewithhersandsomethingwithinmereleasesbeforeIblowoutalong

steadybreath.“Iwon’t.”

LookingatJackie,IknowwithoutashadowofadoubtthattherewasatimewhenIlovedthisgirl

aboveallelse.Butthattimeisover.Whatwehadhasrunitscourse.There’snogoingback.Choices

weremadethatsentusbothspinningoffontodifferentpaths.ThefeelingsIoncehadforhernolonger

exist.

Butitdoesn’thavetobethatwaywithCassidy.There’sstilltimetosalvageourrelationship.I’d

thoughtIwasdoingwhatwasbestforbothofuswhenIendedthings.Ihadwantedtogivehertimeto

sortthroughherfeelings.ButmaybeI’dbeenscaredofgettingmyheartrippedoutagain.MaybeI’dlet

fearconsumemewhenIshouldn’thave.MaybewhatI’dreallywantedwasforhertoprovethatshe

wantedmemorethanshewantedLukeWellington.

InsteadallIdidwaspushherrightintoLuke’sarms.

Thecornersofherlipsbowupjustabit.“You’reareallygoodguy,Cole.Youdeservetobe

happy.”

Asthosethoughtswhirlthroughmyhead,Itakeabigbreathbeforeslowlypushingoutthewords.

“Sodoyou.”MostsurprisingisthatIactuallymeanthem.“Ihopeyoufindsomeonewhomakesyou

happy.”

Hereyesshinewithunshedtears.Butthistime,Ithinktheyjustmightbetearsofhappiness.“Thank

you.”

BeforeIcanoverthinkit,Ifindmyselfsaying,“So,doyouwanttohanghereandwatchthegame

withme?”Inodmyheadtowardsthekitchen.“MomwasjustbakingChristmascookies.”

Hersmilegrowsbrighter.ShefinallylookslikethegirlIgrewupwithandeventhoughwe’llnever

recapturewhatweoncehad,maybewecanactuallyforgesomethingnew.It’sastart,Iguess.

Clearingthethickemotionfromhervoice,shesayswithjustahintofasmirk,“Youknownothing

wouldmakemehappierthanwatchingMichigangettheirasseshandedtothem.”

DidIhappentomentionthatJackieisanOhioStateBuckeyefan?Ishootheradirtylookbefore

pointingtothedoor.“Getout.”

Shelaughswithdelightbeforesettlingontothecouchandforthenextfewhourswewatchthegame.

AndscarfdownwaytoomanyChristmascookies.Itdoesn’tfeellikeitusedtowhenwewerekids,butit

doesfeelkindofnice.

ChapterTwenty-Six

Cole

“Sowhat’sthedeal?”AustinasksthisasifI’vegonecompletelyofftherails.“Youtwoaren’t

together,areyou?”

Myeyesslidetohiseventhoughhe’slookingstraightahead.“No…we’rejustfriends.”Sortof.I

guess.Maybe.It’sallabittentativerightnow.Andweird.But…betterthanhatingher.

Hedoesn’tsayanythingforalongmomentaswewindourwaythroughcampus.Iknowexactlyhow

AustinfeelsaboutJackie.Andnoneofitisgood.Hemaynotknowherpersonally,buthewasthere

whenallthatshitwentsouthlastfall.

Hewastheonewhohadtopickupmydepressedass.

Thatisifpickingupmydepressedassmeansgettingmetotallyshitfacedandlaid,thenthat’sexactly

whathedid.AndeventhoughI’mnotintorandomhookups,IhadmyfairshareofthemafterJackie

crappedalloverme.Upuntilthatpoint,Ihadn’tbeenwithanyonebuther.

So…yeah.

Lookingdoubtful,hewatchesmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.Hiswordsaremoreorlessgruntedout

asifhedoesn’tbelieveme.“Yousureaboutthat?”

“Positive.”No,Iwon’tbetravelingdownthatroadagain.

Hiswholebodyfinallyrelaxes.“Gladtohearit.”

Tofightoffthewickedcoldthatisblastingitswaythroughcampus,webothhaveourhockeyjackets

buttonedallthewayuptothetop.ButIlivemylifeinahockeyrink,sowhat’salittlemorecold,right?

“IranintoCassidythisweekend.”

Thoseunexpectedwordsarethrownoutcasuallyenoughbutwebothknowthere’sabsolutelynothing

casualaboutmentioningCassidyJamesontome.EventhoughIwastheonewhowalkedaway,Austinis

morethanawarethatI’mstillhunguponherjustlikeIknowhe’sstillchasingafterBrooklyn.

“Where?”ThewordslipsoutbeforeIcanstopit.Orattheveryleast,beforeIcanmakeitsounda

hellofalotlessdesperate.

Now,becauseIknowshewenthomeforthefirsttimeinalmostayear,Ialsoknowthathedidn’trun

intohersomewherearoundhere.I’malsoawarethatBrooklynlivesrightnextdoortoCassidy.

Soaddthosetwothingsupandyouget-

“IpickedBrooklynupfromapartyonFridaynight.Wehungoutforawhile.”

Yeah.Right.“Ithinkwhatyou’retryingtosayisthatyoudrovetwoandahalfhourstogetlaid.”

Actually,thisdoesn’tsurprisemeatall.Ithinkthatdudewoulddrivefivefreakinghoursonewaytobe

withthatgirl.He’sgotitbad.

Austingivesmeasmugsmileinreturn.“I’llhaveyouknowthatitwaswaymorethanahookup.I

spentthenightonhercouch.Metthefaminthemorning.AtepancakesandbaconwithJanieand

Richard.”There’sashiteatinggrinslidingacrosshisface.“Theyloveme,bytheway.”

Achuckleescapesfrommylips.“Well,Iguessthat’sprogress,man.Goodjob.”

“Exactly,”heagrees,“Slowbutsurely.That’swhatI’mallabout.”

I’mstillwaitingtohearwherethisCassidysightingoccurred.“SoI’mguessingyousawCassidyat

thisparty.”

Hissmileinstantlyflattens.“Yeah,shewasthereallright.”SomethinginmygutclenchesasIwait

forthebombhe’sabouttodrop.BecauseIcanfeelitcoming.“WithWellington.”Heshakeshisheadin

disgust.“Thatdudeisamajortool.”

Idon’tknowwhyI’msurprisedbythisinformation,butIam.Afterall,Ipracticallygavehermy

blessingbeforeshovingherinhisdirection.SoIguessifthere’satoolaroundhere,it’sprobablyme.

“Ohyeah?”

“Yep.IofferedtotakeherhomebutWellingtonwasquicktoshootthatdown.Iguesshepicked

themupearlier.Thepartywasatsomehighschoolfriend’shouseorsomethinglikethat.”Austinpauses

foramomentasifhe’sallowingthosewordstosinkinbeforeadding,“Look,Ijustwantedtogiveyoua

headsup.”

AtleastIcancountonAustintohavemyback.LukeWellington…notsomuch.Myeyesslidetohis

beforeIliftmychin.“Iappreciateit.”

“Later,dude.”Hejerkshisheadtotheleftwherethesciencebuildingislocated.“I’llcatchyouat

practice.”

AgainIliftmychinaseverythingAustinjusttoldmerollsaroundinmyhead.“Yep.”

EventhoughImissCassidylikefreakingcrazy,IfeellikethehardlessonsIlearnedwithJackiehave

beenpoundedintomybrain.AndeventhoughCassidyandIhaveanamazingconnection,maybeit’snot

enough.

IfshespentherbreakwithWellington,thenhemustbetheoneshewantstobewith.Andasmuchas

thatrealizationbites,it’sbettertofigurethisshitoutsoonerratherthanlaterbeforeIgetinanydeeper

thanIalreadyam.

WithmyheadsofullofCassidy,I’mactuallystartledwhensheseemstomaterializerightbeforemy

eyes.Whenourgazeslock,Ican’thelpbutraiseahandingreeting.Theedgesofherlipslifthesitantly

asshewaitsformetocatchup.EventhoughIwanttoplayitcool,mygreedyeyesslidehelplesslyover

her.ItfeelslikeIhaven’tseenherinforever.

Andyeah,Ifeellikeatotalchickwhensheunleashesasmileandmyheartspeedsupinresponse.

Butthere’snodenyingthatitdoes.Thefactthatshe’snolongermineislikeastakethroughmybeating

heart.

Withhereyesonmine,shegreetsmewithasoft,“Hi.”

Imaybekickingmyselfforlettinghergo,butIsmileinreturnbecauseitfeelssogoodtoseeher

again.Atthemoment,I’dlikenothingmorethantoyankherintomyarmsandkissthehellrightoutof

her.Christ,I’vemissedthisgirl.

Andyeah,thismaysoundbad,butImissthewayherbodyfeelsbeneathmine.

Imissbeinginsideher.

Imissthebreathylittlesoundsshemakeswhenshe’scoming.

Hmmm.Well,thisisn’tgood.

AlreadyIcanfeelmyselfstiffeningup.IneedtodislodgethosethoughtsdamnquickbeforeIendup

withapieceofwoodbetweenmylegs.TryingtodistractmyselffromthoughtsofsexwithCassidy,Isay

instead,“Hey.Goodtoseeyou.Howdidbreakturnout?”

Fallinginlinewithoneanother,wecontinuewalkingtoclass.

Sheglancesatmefrombeneaththedarkinkyfringeofherlashes.Godshehasthemostbeautiful

blueeyesI’veeverseen.“Itwasactuallyprettygreat.”Thenshesaysabitmorequietly,“Itwasniceto

behomeagainandtospendtimewithmyfamily.ItreallymademerealizehowmuchImissedbeinga

partoftheirlives.”Shelaughsjustalittlebit.“Youwouldn’tbelievehowgrownupmytwoyounger

sistershavebecome.”

“I’mgladitwentwell,”Isayearnestly.BeforeIcanstopmyself,thewordsareshootingtheirway

outofmymouth.“Ithoughtaboutyoualotoverbreak.”Ialmostwince.

ForChrist’ssake,couldIsoundanymoredesperate?

Probablynot.

SoIquicklytrybacktracking,“Youknow,wonderinghowitwasgoingwithyourfamily.Hopingyou

weredoingokayandeverything.”

Whethersheknowsitornot,Ididspendalotoftimethinkingabouther.Especiallyaftermytalk

withJackie.ThatconversationprettymuchhadmerealizingthatIcouldn’tjustlethergowithoutafight.

Butmaybeitreallyistoolate.AfterwhatAustinjusttoldme,maybeI’vealreadylosther.

Thecornersofhersweetmouthtipup.“Ioweyouahugethankyou.”

MybrowsdrawtogetherasIshakemyhead.“Youdon’towemeanything,Cassidy.”ThelastthingI

wantishergratitude.SometimesIhavetowonderifthat’sherthingwithLuke.

Iwantherheart,nothergratitude.

Thenshesurprisesmebyreachingoutandgrabbingmyhandwithhersmallerone.Myeyessliceto

hers.Shelooksstartledbyherownactionsbutstillourhandsremainclaspedtogether.Thefeelingof

wantingtoyankherintomyarmssurgesthroughmeagain.

“Ifyouhadn’treachedouttomydad,weprobablywouldn’tbetalking.Whatyoudidmeansalotto

meandIjustwantedyoutoknowthat.”

Eventhoughwe’restillwalking,oureyesstaylockedononeanother.Somethingelectricalsnapsand

sizzlesbetweenus.

“You’rewelcome,”Ifinallymurmurbeforerippingmyeyesawayfromhers.AllIcanthinkaboutis

whatadumbassIamfortellingherthatsheneededtoexploreherfeelingsforLuke.

We’rejustabouttoreachthesocialsciencesbuildingwhereournineo’clockclassisheldwhenshe

suddenlypullsmetotheside,outofthewayoftheotherstudentswhoarehustlingtoandfromclass.

Thereareafewgrumblesaswecutacrossthesidewalk.

Oncewe’reoutoftraffic,sheaskswithjustahintofnervousnesstinginghervoice,“Iwas

wonderingifmaybewecouldgettogethersometimethisweek.”Holdingherbreath,shebitesdownon

herlowerlip.ShehasnoideajusthowmuchIwanttonipthatplumplittlelipofhers.It’sthecutest

damnthingI’veseeninawhile.

“Sure.Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”

Sheshrugshershouldersbeforesayingquietly,“Maybewecouldskatelikeweusedto?”Shelooks

guardedlyhopefulandsomethingwithinmeleapstolife.

Beforeeverythingfellapartbetweenus,CassidyandIusedtoskateafewtimesaweekatfiveinthe

morningbeforetherinkopeneditsdoorstothepublic.AndsinceIusedtoworkthereinhighschooland

knowtheowner,Ihaveakeytogetusin.There’snothinglikehavingafullsheetoficetoyourself.

“Sure.”MymindisquicklysiftingthrougheverythingIhaveplannedoutfortheweek.“Does

Wednesdaywork?”

Thecornersofherlipstipupasherwholebodyrelaxes.“Yeah,thatsoundsgood.”

“I’llpickyouupatfourthirty.”

Hersmilebrightensevenmore.“Okay.”SheglancesoveratDorinHall.Iknowweonlyhavea

minuteortwotofindseatsbeforeourlecturebegins.“Iguesswebettergetgoing.”AlthoughI’dmuch

ratherstandouthereinthecoldtalkingwithher.

ShenodsaswejogupthecementstairsbeforeIholdthedooropenforher.Weenterthelecturehall

justastheprofessorwalkstothepodium.EventhoughIwouldn’tmindsittingwithCassidy,Idecidethat

it’sprobablybesttoparkmyselfbesideSammytoday.

CassidyturnsandsmilesasImoveintotherownexttomycousin.“I’llseeyouWednesday

morning.”

Igiveheralittlenodbeforeslidingintomyseat.Sammyeyesmespeculativelybeforeraisinga

brow.

Eventhoughshehasn’tutteredasingleword,Icanallbutseethequestionsbrimminginhercurious

eyes.SoIshakemyheadasIpullmylaptopoutofmybackpack.“We’rejustskatingtogether.”

She’sstilleyeingmeinthatratherannoyingwayofhers.She’sgivingmeoneofthoselooksthat

says-I’veknownyousincebirth,soIknowexactlywhat’sgoingthroughthatheadofyours.

Whichiscompletelyirritatingbecauseshe’sprobablyright.

“Butyoustillwanther.”

See?

Idon’tbotherdenyingit.“Yeah,Ido.”

Shedoesn’tsayanythingforalongmomentandjustwhenIthinkshe’sgoingtodropthesubject,she

says,“Good.Ilikeyoutwotogether.”

Ican’tresistthesmallgrinthattugsatthecornersofmymouthbecausethatmakestwoofus.

ChapterTwenty-Seven

I’vespentthemajorityoftodaycampedoutatthelibrarywiththeexceptionofthetwoclassesI

hustledmybuttto.NowthatChristmasbreakisjustaroundthecorner,itseemslikealmosteverycourse

hasanotherpaperdue.MybooksarespreadoutalloverthetableasItapawayatmylaptop.

EverytimeIstartfeelingoverwhelmed,ItakeagreatbiggulpofairandlookoverthelistI’ve

compiledtoprioritizeallofmyassignments.Throughahellofalotofhardwork,I’vemanagedtogetmy

gradesbackuptowheretheywerepre-breakup.Icertainlydon’twanttoblowitnowthatwe’refinally

inthehomestretchofthefallsemester.MymindtumblesbackthreeweekstowhenColeendedour

relationship.Feelingallsadbastard,I’dletsomethingsslidethatIshouldn’thave.ThankfullyBrooklyn

wastheretoslapsomesenseintomeandI’vebeenabletobounceback.

Whathappenedwasn’tgoodbyanymeans.IstillmissCole.Butitdidmakemerealizethatlifeis

alwaysgoingtohaveitsupsanddownsandyoujusthavetopushthroughthebadtimesuntilthey’re

behindyou.CurlingupinyourbedandcryingintoapintofBenandJerry’sisn’tanoption.

Okay,itisactuallyanoption.

Andatastyoneatthat.

Butitisn’talongtermsolutionifyoudon’twanttoflunkoutofschool.Again.SoIdidwhatIhad

toandgotthroughit.

That’safarcryfromwhathappenedlastyear.

I’mexcitedtoputthissemesterbehindme.ExcitedtoshowmyparentsthatI’mnotthescrewupthey

thoughtIwaswhenIcrashedandburnedlastyear.Eventhoughthey’vebothtoldmethattheybelievein

me,it’llstillbenicetoshowthemthetangibleproof.It’llbenicetoseeitformyself.

I’mthreehoursin,editingmypsychpaperwhenIfeelsomeonestandingnexttothetableI’mworking

at.Glancingupfrommylaptop,I’mstartledtofindJackie’sbrowneyedgazelockedonmine.Something

withinmeclenchesasuneaseslidesitswaythroughme.Wehaven’tspokensincetheHalloweenparty

andquitefrankly,Idon’treallyneedarepeatofthat.

EspeciallysinceColeandIarenolongertogether.

Whatsurprisesmeevenmorethanfindingherhereisthetentativesmilethatisslowlycurvingits

wayaroundtheedgesofherlips.“DoyoumindifIsitforamoment?I’vebeenhopingwemightruninto

eachother.”

“Um,”Ican’thelpbuthedgebecausethereisabsolutelynothingwehavetotalkabout.

Thesmileinstantlyfallsfromherfaceashereyescontinueholdingmine.Thenshewhispers,

“Please?”

EventhoughIdon’twantto,Ifindmyselfcaving.Dreadinganotherconversationwithher,Ifinally

gesturetothechairacrossfromme.“I’mrightinthemiddleofwritingapaper.”Whichreallymeans-

don’tmakeyourselfcomfortable,youwon’tbestayinglong.

Sittingdown,shetucksherlongcurlsbehindherear.Hereyesdartnervouslyawaybeforesettling

onmineonceagain.Thenshenipsherbottomlipwithherteethbeforefinallysaying,“Iwantedto

apologizeforambushingyouatthatparty.Ishouldn’thavedoneit.”

WhateverIwasexpectingtocomeoutofhermouth,thatwasn’tit.Forjustamoment,Istareather

fromacrosstherectangletablethatseparatesus.Issheseriouslyapologizingtome?Finally,clearingmy

throat,Isay,“Um,okay.Well,thanks.”

Inhalingabigbreath,shepushesouttherest.“IwasstillhopingatthatpointthatColeandIcould

workthingsout.MaybepickupwhereweleftoffbeforeI…”herwordstrailoffawkwardly.

BecauseIcan’texactlyblameherforwantingColeback,Inodmyheadinunderstanding.Who

wouldn’twanttobewithhim?He’soneofthebestguysIknow.ApparentlyJackiefeelsthesameway.

“So…youtriedworkingthingsoutwithhim?”SomethingslicesthroughmeasIsaythewords.

Sadnessseepsintoherdeepbrowneyesbeforeshefinallynods.“Yeah,weactuallyhadareally

goodtalklastweekend.”ShepausesandIfeellikeI’msuddenlyhanginginsuspensionasshedoes.“But

it’snotgoingtohappen.I,”blinkinghereyes,sheglancesawayandforonehorriblemomentitlookslike

shemightactuallybreakdown.

Imean,amIsupposedtoconsolethisgirlaboutnotbeingabletogetwiththeguyIwant?That

wouldbekindofweird…tosaytheleast.ButIhavetogivehercreditforrallyingatthelastmoment.“I

reallyscrewedupandthere’snowaytorepairthedamage.HurtinghimissomethingI’llregretforthe

restofmylife.”Sheeyesmeforalongmomentbeforesayingquietly,“He’sareallygoodguy.Ihopeyou

knowthat.”

MygazedropstothecomputerinfrontofmebeforeIadmit,“ColeandIaren’ttogetheranymore.”

I’mnotsurewhyIfeeltheneedtobehonestwithher.She’sCole’sex-girlfriend.Idon’toweher

anything…butstill.

Idon’texpecthertoalreadyknowaboutthedemiseofourrelationship.MaybeIshouldhave.

Maybeshe’sheretogloatafterall.

Glancingup,Ihalfexpecttoseevictoryorhappinessdancinggleefullyinhereyes.Butsurprisingly

there’snopleasureinherexpressionatall.

“Hetoldme.”

Ishrugnotwantingtogetintothewholethingwithher.Butforsomereason,we’rebothbeing

truthfulwithoneanother.It’sactuallykindofrefreshing…inanawkwardandstrangekindofway.

“ThenIguesswhateveryouneedtosayismoot.”

Leaningforwardshesuddenlyasks,“Isit?”

Bitingdownonmylip,I’mnotsurewhattotellher.Imean,IknowwhatIfeelforColeandIalso

knowthatit’snotgoingtogoawayanytimesoon.“Idon’tknow,”Ifinallyadmit.

Amusinglyenoughsheseemsexasperatedbymyanswer.Cole’sex-girlfriend.Theonewhowanted

himback.She’sannoyedwithmebecauseI’mnotsureifarelationshipisgoingtoworkoutbetween

myselfandCole.

Yeah…it’salittleodd.

Maybemorethanalittle.

“Ifyouwanthimback,Cassidy,thenyouneedtodosomethingaboutit.”Shardsofsadnessfillher

eyes.“Ifhe’sthebestthingthathaseverhappenedtoyou,thendon’tlethimslipthroughyourfingers.Do

somethingaboutitbeforeit’stoolate.”Withthosewordssittingbetweenus,shegetstoherfeet.“I’d

betterletyougetbacktowork.”Justasshe’sabouttowalkaway,sheturnstowardsmeagain.“Don’t

makethesamemistakeIdid.Don’tlethimgo.”

I’mnotsurewhyshefeltcompelledtoseekmeout,butI’mgratefulthatshedid.“Thankyou.”

Eventhoughshesmiles,Istillseeunhappinessshimmeringaroundher.“You’rewelcome.”

Whenshe’saboutfourstepsaway,Icallouthername.“Jackie!”

Againsheturns,onedarkbrowraised.AndIrealizeonceagainjusthowprettysheis.How

perfectlysuitedsheisforCole.Inmymind,Icanactuallyseethemtogether.“Areyoustillinlovewith

him?”

Theanswertumblesoffherlipswithoutpauseorthought.“Ilovehimmorethananythingbutit’snot

goingtohappenbetweenus.”Shetakesadeepbreath.“Ihavetofindawaytolivewithmymistakesand

moveon.”

Ican’tresistasking,“Howdoyouknowhewon’tchangehismind?”

“Becausewhatwehadisoverandthere’snogoingback.”

Eventhoughit’sastrangethingtosaytoCole’sex-girlfriend,Ifindthewordsslippingfrommylips

beforeIcanstopthem.“I’msorry.”AndIamsorryforher.“Iknowwhatit’slike.Tolivewithregrets.

Topickupallthepiecesandputthembacktogetheragain.It’snotaneasythingtodo.”

Tiltingherheadtotheside,hereyessharpenbeforesiftingthroughmine.Shesmilesjustabitasif

seeingmeforthefirsttime.“Ithinkunderdifferentcircumstances,wecouldhavebeenfriends.”

“Maybe,”Isayinreturn.ButIhavethefeelingshe’sright.Inasmallway,we’rekindofkindred

spirits.Webothmademistakes.Webothhaveregrets.Andwe’rebothworkingtoputourlivesback

togetheragain.

“I’vegottogetgoing.Itwasnicetalkingwithyou,Cassidy.Goodluck.”

“Youtoo,”Isaysoftly.

ForalongtimeafterJackiewalksaway,everythingshesaidcontinuestochurninmyhead.

Grabbingmyphone,Isendaquicktextbecausethere’ssomethingIneedtotakecareofbeforeImeetwith

Coletomorrowmorning.

ChapterTwenty-Eight

Withabigsmilelightinguphishandsomeface,Lukepullsmeintothewarmcircleofhisarms.“I

haveaboutthirtyminutesbeforeIneedtobeatpractice.What’sup?”

ForjustaheartbeatIallowhimtoholdmebeforeslowlyuntanglingmyselffromhisembrace.“Do

youhavetimetograbacoffeeandtalk?”

“Sure.”Heshrugshisbroadshouldersashiseyesroveoverme.

Afterweorderourdrinks,LukehandsthebaristaafewbillsbeforeIcanevengrabthemoneyfrom

mypurse.“I’vegotit,”Isay,quicklydiggingthroughmywallet,“I’mtheonewhoinvitedyouforcoffee.

Ishouldpay.”

“Youcangetthenextone.”Againhegivesmeasmilebeforeaddingalittlewink.“I’llholdyouto

it.”

Afewmomentslater,hegrabsourcoffeesfromthecounterasweheadtoatablenestledinback.

Oncewe’reseated,webothtakeafewsipsfromourmugs.Itfeelsgoodtowarmup.Theweatherhas

onlygrowncolder.

“Sohowareclassesgoing?”Hisbeautifulhazeleyesholdminefromacrossthesmalltable

separatingus.“Allcaughtup?”

LukeknowsexactlyhowhardandstressfulmybreakupwithColewasbecausehewasthere.He

andBrooklynweretheoneswholetmecryontheirshoulders.TheyheldmyhandandmadesureIwas

doingwhatneededtobedone.Ifeelveryluckytohavebothoftheminmylife.

“Yeah,ittookawhilebutI’mfinallybackontrackagain.AlthoughIfeellikethelibrarystaffis

goingtostartchargingmerent.I’veprettymuchbeenlivingtheresinceThanksgivingbreak.”Ismile

beforetakinganothersmallsipofcoffee.“Howaboutyou?”

Heshrugs,hisblue-graygazefocusedintentlyonmine.Hisshortblondhairhasgrownoutjusta

littleandIrealizethelongerlengthlooksgoodonhim.Glancingaround,itbecomesobviousthatI’mnot

theonlyonewhothinkshe’shandsome.Thereareseveralgirlscheckinghimout.

“I’llbegladwhenthissemesterisover.I’mfeelingalittleburntoutrightnow.I’mlookingforward

tothebreak.”

AgainIthinkaboutallthepapersandexamsIhavecomingup.“Yeah,metoo.”I’vebeenworking

aroundtheclock.I’mexhaustedandreallylookingforwardtoamonthlongbreak.Ican’twaittogohome

andspendmoretimewithmyfamily.TherelationshipInowhavewithmyparentsalreadyfeelsbetter

thanwhatitwasbeforeIleftforcollegethefirsttime.Eventhoughtheyearapartsucked,itallowedmy

dadandmetobreakthepatternwehadestablishedbetweenus.Notonlythat,butInowhaveacloser

relationshipwithmymother.We’vetalkedonthephoneafewtimessinceIreturnedtoschoolandwe

texteverysingleday.It’snice.

Actually,it’swaybetterthannice.

“Maybeafterexamsareoverwecangettogetherandcelebrate.Asuccessfulfirstsemesterhereat

Westernforbothofus.”

Ismileatthethought.“Itcan’tcomesoonenough.”Aftermydismalfailurelastyear,Ican’twaitto

havethisfallsemesterbehindme.

Aswedrinkourcoffees,acomfortablesilencefallsoverus.Sincemybreakup,I’vehadtimeto

reallysortoutmyfeelingsforbothLukeandCole.EventhoughIfeelsomethingforbothofthem,it’s

obviouswhomyheartbelongsto.Andthere’sjustnochangingthat.Ihavenoideahowit’llturnoutwith

ColebutIcan’tletLukecontinuetothinkthatourrelationshipwilleverbeanythingmorethanwhatitis.

“Cassidy?”

Idon’trealizethatI’vebecometangledupinmythoughtsuntilhesaysmyname.Ican’thelpbut

flushjustabitasImeethisblue-graygaze.Forthefirsttimesincewe’vesatdown,Iseethequestions

swimmingaroundwithinhisvibrantdepths.“I’msorry.IguessIspacedoutthereforamoment.”

Hesmilesbutit’snolongerfull-fledged.“Noproblem.Iknowyou’vehadalotgoingonwith

school.”

Inodbutthat’snottheissueandIhavetowonderbythewayhissmiledimsifhealreadyknowsthat.

AsmuchasIdon’twanttohurthim,IknowIhavetobehonestaboutwhatIfeel.“Thereisalot

goingonbutIwantedthechancetotalktoyou.”

Foralongmomentneitherofussayanythingashiseyescontinueholdingmine,searchingthem.It

feelsasifsomethingheavynowhangsoverus.

Hisshoulderstenseashesaysinalowvoice,“You’rechoosingCole,aren’tyou?”

Withmyheartthumpingharshlyundermybreast,Islowlynodmyheadbeforesaying,“Ilovehim,

Luke.”That’sthebottomlineandthere’sjustnogettingpastit.Nogettingaroundit.Ilovehim.I’mstill

inlovewithhim.AndIcan’tletthatgo.Ican’tjustlethimgowithouttryingtofightforhim.

Hisgazedropstohiscoffeeandhe’ssilentforalongmoment.Lukehasturnedouttobeagood

friendandIdon’twanttolosethat.ButIcan’tgivehimanythingmorethanthateither.

“You’veworkedthingsoutwithhim?”

“No.”Igivemyheadjustalittlebitofashake.“Notyet.”

Hisbrowsslidetogetherasheraiseshiseyestomineagain.“Andifhe’snotinterestedingetting

backtogether,whatthen?”

Takingadeepbreath,Ipushoutthewordsbecausewhathe’ssayingisentirelypossible.“ThenI

moveonwithmylifethebestIcan.”It’sascaryprospect.Buthonestly,I’malreadyatthatpoint.We’re

nottogetherandIhavenoideaifit’sgoingtoworkoutbetweenus.AllIknowisthatIhavetotry.I

don’twanttowalkawayfromourrelationshipwithanymoreregretsthanIalreadyhave.

Finallyhewhispers,“Andyoudon’tthinkyoucouldmoveonwithme?”

Squeezingmyeyestightlyshut,Itakeadeepbreathbeforeslowlyopeningthem.“Since

ThanksgivingbreakI’vedonealotofthinking,tryingtosortoutmyfeelingsforbothofyou.Ilikeyou,

Luke.IcareaboutyouandI’msothankfulthatyou’reinmylifebutIdon’thavethosekindsoffeelings

foryou.”

TentativelyIreachoutbeforegentlycoveringhishandwithmyown.“Idon’twantyouwaiting

aroundformewhenIdon’tthinkanythingisevergoingtohappenbetweenus.”It’shardtopushthose

wordsout,hardtoknowinglyinflictpain,butIalsoknowthatIhavetobehonestwithLuke.

ImayverywellhavetomoveonfromCole.

Butitwon’tbewithLuke.Andheneedstounderstandthat.

Foralongpainfulmomenthedoesn’tsayanything.IhatethatI’mhurtinghim.

“Iwishyouwouldjustgivemeachancetoshowyouhowgoodwecouldbetogether.”

Bitingmylowerlip,Inod.“I’msorry,Ijustdon’tfeelthatway.”ThenIsaysoftly,“Inevermeantto

leadyouonandifIdid,I’msorry.”

Heturnshishandaroundbeneathmineuntilwe’reholdinghandsacrossthesmalltablethatseparates

us.“Youneverledmeon.Youwerealwaysupfrontaboutwhatyouwerefeeling.Ijustwantedyouto

seemeasmorethanafriend.”

Ican’thelpbutsay,“ThelastthingIwanttodoishurtyou.”

“Iknow,”heacknowledgeswithasmallsmile.

“Ireallyamsorry.”

Inhalingadeepbreath,heblowsitoutslowly.Ashedoes,Isuddenlygetthefeelingthateverything

isgoingtobeokaybetweenus.“Youhavenothingtobesorryabout.”

Mysmilegrowsjustabitmore.“Thankyou.”Isqueezehishand.“You’vebeenareallygood

friendtomeandI’mthankfulforthat.”

EventhoughIdon’tloveLukeinaromanticsortofway,Istillhavedeepfeelingsforhim.IthinkI

alwayswill.Hewasthereformewhennooneelsewas.Whathappenedbetweenus,theexperiencewe

shared,hasbondedustogetherandIdon’tthinkitcaneverbebroken.

Nowit’sLuke’sturntosqueezemyfingersashiseyesclingtomine.“Itoldyoubeforethatnomatter

whatyoudecided,youwouldn’tlosemeandImeantit.We’refriends,Cassidy.Andwe’realwaysgoing

tobefriends.Nomatterwhat.”

ChapterTwenty-Nine

“Slapittome!”

Windingup,IhitthepucktoColewhoisflyingacrosstheice.Thesmallroundrubberdisklands

rightontheendofhisstickasheraceswithittothenetbeforeflickingitineffortlessly.We’vebeenout

hereforaboutthirtyminutesnowanditfeelsamazing.IlovespendingtimewithColeontheiceandover

thelastmonth,I’vereallymissedit.

Missedhim.

TalkingwithLukeyesterdaywasdifficultbutI’msogladIclearedtheairbetweenus.Evenif

nothingchangeswithCole,IknowthatremainingfriendswithLukeistherightthingtodo.Ithinkmaybe

ColewasrightwhenhesaidthatIwaslettingwhathappenedlastyearskewmyfeelingsforLuke.I

didn’twanttothinkthatcouldreallyhappenbutwhenItriedseparatingmyemotionsforhim…Ijust

couldn’tdoit.

Theywerejusttoodeeplyintertwined.

AsmuchasIdon’twanttoloseCole,therealityofthesituationisthatImighthavealreadylosthim.

ButIwon’tknowforsureuntilIputmyselfoutthereandtellhimhowIfeel.Andasdifficultasthatisto

do,IknowColeisworththerisk.

“Waterbreak?”HeskatestowardsmeandInodaswebothheadovertothebenchwherewesetour

waterbottleswhenwefirstarrived.Removingourgloves,wetossthemontothewoodenbenchbefore

guzzlingourdrinks.

WhenIfinallycomeupforair,IfindthewordsslippingfrommymouthbeforeIcanstopthem.“I’ve

reallymissedthis.”AlmostinstantlyIfreezebecauseIhavenoideaifhefeelsthesamewayasIdo.If

thetimewespentskatingtogethermeantasmuchtohimasitdidtome.

Oneheartbeatthenanotherslowlyslipsby.

Butthenhisgorgeouswhiskeycoloredeyesarrowtomineasasmallsmilecurveshislipsupwards.

“Me,too.”

Almostinstantlyrelieffloodsthrougheverycellofmybody.Mykneesalmostbucklewithit.AndI

realizethatifI’mgoingtotellhimhowIfeel,itneedstobenowbeforeIlosewhatlittlenerveIhave.

So,takingadeepgulpofair,Islowlypushoutthewords.

Meetinghiseyes,Ifinallywhisper,“ButwhatI’vemissedmostofallisyou.”Thoseninelittle

wordsarethemostdifficultonesI’veeverhadtoutter.I’mnotgoingtolie,assoonasthey’reoutofmy

mouth,Iwanttosnatchthemrightbackagain.I’veneverbeenanygoodatputtingmyselfoutthere.

Buthe’sworthit,Iremindmyself.

He’sworththeriskofrejection.

Asthesilencestretchesandlengthensbetweenus,hiseyescontinuesearchingmine.Whenhe

doesn’timmediatelyrespond,thebreathlodgesinmythroatmakingitimpossibletobreathe.Myheart

pounds,pumpingharshlyagainstmyribs.That’swhenIstarttowonderifmaybeitreallyistoolatefor

us.

HaveIletthebestguyI’veevermetsliprightthroughmyfingers?

Butthenhe’stakingmyhandinhisown.It’sthefeelofhiscoldskinslidingoverminethatjoltsme

intorememberingyesterdaybecausethisisexactlyhowIplacedmyhandoverLuke’s,wantingtolethim

downasgentlyaspossible.

SuddenlyI’mswampedwithnerves.

Andtheurgetobolt.

“Cassidy,”hebeginsandIcan’thelpbutthinkthatthisisbad.Hedoesn’tfeelthesamewayabout

me.He’smovedonandI’mstill…I’mstillinlovewithhim.

HemustthinkI’msopathetic.

Isthereanythingworsethangivingyourhearttosomeonewhonolongerwantsit?

Idon’tthinkso.

“I’msorry,”Igasponastrangledbreath.Unabletostandthereamomentlonger,Istumblebacka

step.Ineedtogetoutofhere.Now.“I-Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.”

BeforeIcanevenformulateanexitstrategy,hegrabsmyarm,spinningmetowardshimandforjusta

fractionofamoment,mymindtumblesbacktothenightwemet.Butmybodydoesn’tseizeupthesame

wayitdidbackinAugust.

BecauseIknowColewouldneverhurtme.

“Cassidy,wait!Justgivemeaminutetocatchuphere.”There’sasmallsmilepullinghislips

upwardanditonlymakesmyheartachemore.Mycheeksarealreadystainedpinkwithembarrassment.

Myhandsareclammywithnerveseventhoughit’sfreezingintherink.

Squaringmyshoulders,Idecidetoforceouttherestofthewordsthroughstifflips.Itmaybetoolate

butIwanthimtoknowexactlyhowIfeel.I’vecomethisfar…Iwanttofinishit.

Takingahugegulpofair,Ifinallywhisperinathick,quaveringvoice,“Iloveyou,Cole,andI’m

sorrythatImadeyoufeellikeIwantedsomeoneelse.Youwereright,I,”stumblingovermywords,I

continuetryingtopushthemout,“IthinkmyfeelingsforLukegotalittlemessedupbecauseofwhat

happenedlastyear.You’retheonlyguyI’veeverwantedandIscreweditup.”

There.

Done.

I’mjustopeningmymouthtosay-Christ…Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mgoingtosay,whenheyanks

meagainsthim.I’mbarelyabletosuckinabreathbeforehislipsarecrashingdownonmine.

Andthen…

I.

Am.

Lost.

Completelyandutterlylostintherichtasteandfeelofhim.

JustlikeIalwaysam.

Whenhefinallypullsaway,it’sonlysothathecanwhisperagainstmylips,“Cassidy,youhaveto

seriouslyknowthatI’mstillinlovewithyou.”Againhislipsstrokeoverminebeforehemurmurssoftly,

“AndI’vemissedyoulikecrazy.”

IshakemyheadbecauseIalmostcan’tbelievethisishappening.I’dreallythoughtIhadlosthim.

ThatI’dsquanderedachancefortheretoevenbeanus.Ican’thelpbutwhisper,“I’msosorry.Inever

meanttohurtyou.”MyeyesholdhisbecauseIwanthimtoseeeverythingI’mfeeling.

“AreyouabsolutelysureaboutyourfeelingsforLuke?BecauseIcan’tgothroughthatagain.Ilove

youbutIneedtoknowthatthere’snothingbetweenyoutwo.”

“Yes,”Isayvehemently,“we’refriends,nothingmore.”Bitingdownonmylip,Iwhisper,“Areyou

okaywithusbeingfriends?”

BecauseasmuchasIlikeLuke,asmuchasIfeelconnectedtohim,Irealizethatit’snothing

comparedtowhatIfeelforCole.Iabsolutely,unequivocallylovehim.Andtheenormityofthose

feelingsissomuchdeeperthanwhatIcouldpossiblyfeelforLuke.HewastherewhenIneeded

someonethemostandI’llneverbeabletorepayhimforthat.

Butitcan’tbewithmyheart.

Notwhenitalreadybelongstosomeoneelse.

Againhisbeautifulgoldengazepiercesmine,siftingthroughallthechurningemotionswithinthem.

“AslongasyoutellmethatI’mtheoneyouwant,theoneyoulove,thenItrustyou,Cassidy.”

Ican’thelpbutyankthefrontofhiswarmupjacket,tugginghimcloser.Slowlymyarmswind

aroundhisneckasIpullhishardbodyagainstmine.GodbutI’vemissedthefeelofhim.

“It’salwaysbeenyou,Cole.”ThinkingaboutJackieandourconversation,Iadd,“AndI’mnotgoing

tomessthatupagain.”

Grabbingmyhand,hestartshaulingmetowardstheheavymetaldoorthatleadsofftheice.What

doesn’tmakesenseisthatwestillhavethirtymoreminutesoficetimebeforetherinkopens.“Whereare

wegoing?”

Hisheatedgazeflickstowardsmebuthisskatesneverstopmoving,bringinguscloserandcloserto

thedoor.“Myplace.”

Mybreathcatchesassomethinghotslidesthroughmeatthenotion.Andyeah…Ithinkmypanties

justdampenedwiththepossibilityoffeelinghisbighardbodyslidingovermine.Becausethereis

absolutelynothingmoreintheworldIlovethanbeinginbedwithhim.

“Andyou’regoingtobethereforawhile,”headdsasifImightargue.WhichIdefinitelywon’tbe.

Iwanthimwaytoomuchforthat.Mythighsclenchinanticipation.

Ican’thelpbutsayinalowvoice,“Canyoureallywaitthatlong?”

Hiseyesflarewidebeforearrowingstraighttomine.Stoppingabruptly,hetugsmetohimuntilI’m

onceagaininthewarmcircleofhisarms.Hislipsdescendbeforemurmuring,“Therealquestioniscan

you?”

Well…therinkisclosedtothepublicforanotherthirtyminutes…

“Idon’tknow,”Iwhisperashislipsstrokegentlyovermine.“Ireallywantyou.”

Thetipofhistonguedancesacrossmylipsbeforeslippinginsideandminglingwithmyown.Asoft

groanfillsthesilentrink.I’mprettysureitcamefromme.HowmanyweekshasitbeensinceI’vefelt

himslidingdeepinsideme?

Waytoolong.

“Wecangointheoffice.”

Oh,it’ssotempting…

Butaquickieisn’twhatI’mlookingforrightnow.FinallyIshakemyhead.“No.OnceIgetyou

naked,youaren’tgoingtobeputtingyourclothesbackonforawhile.Let’sjustheadbacktoyour

house.”

Awickedgleamfillshiseyes.“Ilikethewayyouthink,baby.Let’sgo.”

Andthenhe’sbacktodraggingmeofftheice.Wemakequickworkofsheddingourskatesandother

hockeygearbeforeshovingitallintoourbags.Withmyhandinhis,weliterallysprintoutoftherink.

TheridetohisplacetakesabouttenminutesandIcan’tkeepmyhandsoffhim.

BythetimeheparkshisMustanginfrontoftheoldVictorianhouseheshareswithfiveotherguys

fromthehockeyteam,Ijustwanttoriptheclothesrightoffhisbody.I’mthinkinghefeelsthesameway

sincehisfingersarealreadyslippingundermyshirtasweraceupthestairstotheporchbeforebarging

throughthefrontdoor.ItburstsopenandthenreverberatesonitshingesasColeslamsitshutagain.And

thenwe’retakingoffforthestaircase.We’rebothlaughingsohard,ourfingersgraspingatoneanother.I

thinkifhecouldthrowmeoverhisshoulderrightnow,hewould.

AndI’mnotsayingthatIwouldn’tenjoyiteither.

Becausethatisonehellofasexyvisual.

“Hey,Cole,I’mgladyou’reback-”

Barelypausinginourfranticflight,webothglanceatAlexwhoisstandinginlivingroomwearinga

pairofboxerswith…Ihavetosquint…halfpeeledbananasonthemandabsolutelynothingelse.His

hairisaskew,stickingupatalldifferentangleslikehejustrolledoutofbed.Whichheprobablydid

becauseit’sjustaboutsixo’clockinthemorning.ThelookonhisfacewouldbehilariousifIcould

actuallystopandappreciateit.ButIcan’tbecauseI’mwaytoojackedupatthemoment.Apparently

Colefeelsthesameway.

“Notnow,”heyellsoverhisshoulderashecontinuesyankingmeupthestaircasethatleadstothe

secondfloor.“Probablynotforawhile.Anyonebothersus,they’redead.Gotit?”

“Oh,Igotit.”

EventhoughIdon’tturnaroundtolookathim,IcanallbuthearthehumorsimmeringinAlex’sdeep

voice.Yep,heknowsexactlywhat’sgoingon.

Well,whatwillverysoonbegoingon…

Andyouknowwhat?

Idon’tgiveadamnwhoknowsorhearsus.I’msureI’llcarelater.Butrightnow,Ijustwanttofeel

Cole’shandsslidingoverme.Iwanttofeeltheweightofhisbiggorgeousbodysettlingontopofmine.

It’sbeenwaytoolong.

Onceheturnsthelockonhisbedroomdoor,heliterallypounces,quicklycatchingmearoundthe

waist.Whenheholdsmeupbytheseatofmyyogapants,Iwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist.Hegrowlsas

Ishamelesslygrindmyselfagainsthimbeforehislipsarecrashingdownonmine.Andgentle,theyare

not.ButI’mtotallygoodwithit.

“Toomuchclothing,”Igasp.

“Agreed.”

HishandsleavemybottomasIdroptothefloor.Slowlymypalmsstrokedownthehardsolid

planesofhischestbeforemyfingersgripthehemofhist-shirt.AmomentlaterI’mwhippingitoverhis

headandtossingitbehindme.Myownshirtquicklyfollowssuit.ThenI’mworkingthebuttonandflyof

hisjeans.Eventhoughhiserectionisstillcoveredbyhisboxerbriefs,itspringsforwardandIcan’t

resiststrokingmyfingersoverit.

WhowouldhaveeverthoughtthatI’dactuallymissaguy’spenis?

Butasmyfingerscontinueslidingoverthesoftmaterialofhisboxers,IrealizethatIhave.Ohmy

God,haveI.AllIwantistofeelhimmovingdeepinsidemybody.

Impatientlyhepushesthejeansdownhislegsbeforekickingthemoffalongwithhissocks.His

handsgotomyhipsandbeforeIcaninhaleoneshakylittlebreath,they’regone.Thrown-Idon’teven

knowwhere.AndIdon’tparticularlycareatthemomenteither.

Hiseyesholdmineaswestandtherelookingateachotherforalongtenseheartbeat.He’sstillinhis

boxers-whichtrustme,isquiteasighttobehold,andI’mstandinginmybraandpanties.

Cole’seyesdarkenastheyslowlylickovermybody,takingineverycontour.Everysingledipand

curve.Thewayhelooksatmemakesmefeelbeautiful.MorebeautifulthanIprobablyam.

“I’vemissedyou,Cassidy.”Hiseyesarestillsingeingmybodywiththeirgoldenintensity.“And

I’vemissedthis.”

Unabletoresist,Itakeastepcloseruntilthesilkycupsofmypalepinkbraarebrushingagainsthis

chest.MyhandsslowlyslidetheirwayacrosshischeeksuntilI’mabletocuphisfaceinmyhands.“I’m

sosorryforhurtingyou.”IwhisperthewordsagainbecauseIhatethatIletsomething,someone,come

betweenus.

Withhiseyesholdingmine,heleansintomytouch.“Iknow.It’sbehindusnow.Wedon’thaveto

talkaboutitanymore.”

Reachingup,Ipressmylipsagainsthis.“Iloveyoumorethananything.”Onehandslipsfromhis

cheek,slowlytrailingdownhisgorgeousbodybeforeslippinginsidehisboxersuntilI’mabletocupa

differentpartofhim.HegroansagainstmylipsasIfillmyhandwithhisrigidlength.

SlowlyhethrustsagainstmeasIcontinuecaressinghim.

It’ssuchanincredibleturnontowatchthosebeautifulwhiskeycoloredeyesofhiscloudwith

pleasure.

“Iwon’tlastverylongifyoukeeptouchingmelikethat,”hepracticallygroansthewordsasI

continuestrokingaway.

ButI’vemissedtouchinghimlikethis.Missedwrappingmyfingersaroundhissatinyhardness.

Missedhearinghisbreathcatchatthebackofhisthroat.

BeforeIrealizeit,he’spickingmeupandmovingustothebed.Justaswegetsituated,hishands

reacharound,unclaspingmybra.Itspringsapart,fallingdownmyshouldersbeforecompletely

disappearing.Thenhe’spushingmebackontothemattressbeforesettlingnexttome.Hishandsgotomy

breasts,pluckingatmynipplesuntilI’mtheonegroaning,wantingmore.Leaningover,hekissesonerosy

tipbeforedoingthesametotheother.Ican’thelpbutarchmybackwantingtofeelhishandsandmouth

stoketolifethefireburningbeneathmyflesh.

Slowlyhekisseshiswayacrossmyribs,downtomynaveluntilhe’snippingattheedgeofmynow

dampenedpanties.Heknowsexactlywhatdrivesmewild.AndIloveit.Ilovethewayheworshipsmy

bodysocompletely.

Mybreathcatchesashelowersthesilkypinkmaterialdownmyhips,bearingmeoneinchatatime.

Ican’thelpbutwatchhim.Ilovethepossessivelookthatfillshiseyeswhenhegazesatme.Itmakesme

wanttoopeneverylittlepartofmyselfuptohim.

I’veneverfeltlikethatbefore.

Oncemypantieshavebeenstrippedaway,helaysagentlekissagainstme.Myhipsarchalmost

immediatelyinresponse.Ijustwanttofeelhissoftlipscaressingme,nuzzlingme,lickingmewithlong

deliberatestrokes.

“I’vemissedyou,baby.”Hiseyescapturemine,holdingthemfiercelyashistonguelowers,sliding

leisurelyovermyflesh.“Mmmm,you’realreadysoniceandwetforme.”

Inresponse,Ibabbleincoherently.Ihaveabsolutelynoideawhat’scomingoutofmymouth.

ProbablysomethingtodowithhowmuchI’vemissedhimandhowmuchIenjoywhathe’sdoingtome.

NotthatI’vetoldBrooklynthis,butColeisprettydamngoodwithhistongueaswell.Likeitcould

beasuperpowerorsomethinglikethat.Ican’thelpbutspreadmylegswiderwantingtofeelhimagainst

mywetwarmthastheachewithincontinuestospiralthroughme.

“Mmmm,youtastesodamngood.”Henibblesatmylipsbeforehistonguestrokesovermyclit.A

longlowbreathycryfallsfrommylipsasheslowlylashesmeoverandoveragain.Mybodyisallbut

vibratingwiththeneedhehasstokedtolife.

Iamsodamnclosetosplinteringapart.

Ijustwanttoscreamwiththethicktensioncoilingtightlywithinme.

“Doyouwantmycockortongue?”

Thequestionsendsaspasmofpurelustshootingthroughme.BecauseIjustwanthim.

Cole.

Hehaspushedmesocompletelyovertheedgethatit’sdoubtfulIcaneventalk.Certainlynotwell

enoughtostringafewwordstogethertomakeacoherentsentence.“Cock,”Ifinallygasp,“Iwantyour

cock.”

Fivewholewords.I’malmostimpressedwithmyself.

Standingup,hehastilystripsoffhisboxersandIcan’thelpbutwatchthroughlustfilledeyesashis

gorgeouscockspringsfree.GodbutIlovehisbigthickerection.

AndIlovethatit’smine.

Lightningquick,hesheathshimselfinacondombeforehe’sbackonthebed,kneelingbetweenmy

spreadthighs.Notaheartbeatlaterthebluntheadofhishardenedlengthnudgesitswayatmyentrance.

Bliss.

Purebliss.

Therearenootherwordsforit.

“Youaresofuckingtight,”hegritsthroughclenchedteethashecontinuestocarefullyslidehisway

insideme.Allmymuscleswraparoundhimaswavesofpleasurewashoverme.Ican’thelpbutarch

towardshim,wantinghimtofillmetotheverybrim.Webothsighashedoesjustthatbeforepullingout.

Everymusclewithinmybodytightensinprotest.Thishashimgrowling,thrustingdeepwithinthewarm

cradleofmybodyagain.

Tenstrokes.

That’sallittakesbeforehe’sspillinghimselfinsideme.Andnothinghaseverfeltsowonderful.

Oncehedisposesofthecondom,Colegathersmeupinhisarms,pullingmetowardshimuntilI’m

abletosprawlacrosshischest.Thesoundofhisheartbeatfillsmyearsandit’ssuchabeautifulsound.

OneI’vemissed.

SlowlyIsiftmyfingersthroughthesmatteringofhairacrosshischestbeforetrailingthemoverhis

flatmalenipples.Astheyharden,Ileanover,lickingandsuckingeachoneintomymouth.

“You’regoingtokillme,Cassidy.”

IgrinasIcontinueplayingwithhisbody.

Fromthecornerofmyeye,Iseehisthickshaftstirtolife.

HaveImentionedjusthowgorgeoushiscockis?

Yeah…I’mprettysureIhave.

“I’vemissedthis,”Isayquietlybetweenkisses.“Missedyou.”

Hisfingersslideundermychinbeforehe’sliftingitsothatmyeyescanlatchontohis.“Imissedyou

too,baby.Butmaybethat’swhatweneededtogothroughinordertofindourwaybacktoeachother.”

Nodding,myeyescontinueholdinghis.“Idon’twantanythingelsecomingbetweenus.”

Thecornersofhislipstipupward.“Itwon’t.”Hishandstraildowntomyribsbeforehepullsme

towardshim.“Iloveyou.”Hewhispersthewordsrightbeforehislipsslideacrossmine.Thefeelof

himleavesmebreathlessandmyheadspinning.

“Iloveyou,too,”Imurmuragainsthim.

Andthenwe’remakinglovealloveragainanditfeelsevenbetterthanbeforebecauseit’slongand

slowandperfect.Thefeelofhimfillingmybodyisthemostbeautifulpart.Twohourslaterwefinally

leavehisroominsearchoffood.I’mfamished.Sohungrythatmybellyisactuallyrumblingand

growlinginprotest.Colefillstwohugebowlsofcerealbeforesaturatingtheminmilk.

“Eatup,”hewinksbeforespooningahugemoundofcerealintohismouth.Whenhe’sdonechewing,

headds,“Becauseyou’regoingtoneedallyourenergy.”

Ican’thelpbutgiggleandprobablyblushasIspoonFrostedMiniWheatsintomymouth.Justaswe

reachthebottomofourbowls,hisphonepingswithamessage.Pickinguphiscell,heglancesatthetext.

EventhoughI’mcuriousaboutwhoismessaginghim,Idon’task.Coleisintome.Literally.SoI’m

notworried.

Catchingmyeyes,hemurmursoffhandedly,“Justmymom.She’sgoingtodropoffsomelaundrythat

Ileftatthehouseovertheweekend.”

Hiswordshavemyheartstutteringtoastandstillasmyeyesflarewide.

Dr.Thompson.

Cole’smom.

Oneinthesame.

Nibblingmylowerlip,Iquicklydebatewhattodo.

DoItellhim?Doeshehavearighttoknowthathismotherwasmytherapist?

OrdoIburyitinthebackofmymindandhopefullyforgotallaboutit?

“Cassidy?”MyeyesjerkbacktohisandIcanseeallthequestionsswimmingaroundwithinthose

goldendepthsofhis.“Youokay?”

“Umm,yeah,”Igulpnervously,“I’mfine.”

ButIdon’twantanymoresecretssittingbetweenus.

Hisbrowspinchtogetherbeforeheasksagain,“Areyousure?”

Closingmyeyes,Ifinallyadmitsoftly,“Ineedtotellyousomething.”

BeforeIevenrealizeit,Coleisrighttherebesideme,pickingmeup,holdingmeinhisarmsashe

sitsdownononeofthekitchenchairs.Hisarmsarewrappedprotectivelyaroundme,holdingmeclose.

“Sotellme.”Hemurmursthewordsagainstmyhairbeforekissingmegently.

Unabletoholdhiseyes,Istaredownatmyfingerswhichareknottedtogetherinmylapbefore

finallywhispering,“Whenwehaddinneratyourhouse,”Igulp,“thatwasn’tthefirsttimeI’dmetyour

mother.”

Hismouthstillsagainstmeashewaitsformetocontinue.

“I’dactuallymetherinAugustatthecounselingcenter.”Ipushouttherestinahurriedjumble.“She

wasmytherapist.”

There.

ForalongpainfulmomentIsitfrozenonhislapwithmybreathallbutlodgedinmythroatasIwait

forhisreaction.I’msoanxiousthatitfeelsasifIcouldshatterintoamillionjaggedpieces.Ifhecan’t

dealwithwhatIjusttoldhim,that’sexactlywhatwillenduphappening.Havinghimbackinmylifefor

afewhoursonlytolosehimalloveragainwouldfeellikeatragedy.

Whenheremainssilent,Ihurryon.AlmostlikeIcan’thelpmyself.“I-Ididn’tknowshewasyour

mother.Youdon’thavethesamelastname.Itneveroccurredtomethatshewasevenrelatedtoyou.”

Hisbodyissostillthatitactuallybeginstofrightenme.AndsoIkeepbabbling.It’slikeareally

badcaseofdiarrhea.Itwon’tstop.

OhmyGod,justmakeitstop!

“Sheknowseverything,Cole.Sheknowsweweresleepingtogether.Sheknowsthatweused

condoms.But…um,Ihaven’tseenherprofessionallysinceIrealizedshewasyourmom.”Icontinue

staringatmyfingersastheytwistinmylap.Ican’tbringmyselftomeethiseyes.They’reprobably

filledwithhorror.

“Well,I,ah,didseeheroncampusbeforeThanksgivingandweclearedtheairwhichwaskindof

nice,”Imutterquietlyasdreadcontinuestoswirlwithinme.

Totaldiarrhea.

It’stheshakingofhisbigbodythathasmetentativelyglancingup.Afrownpullsatthecornersofmy

mouthasmybrowssnaptogetherinconfusion.Becauseitkindofsoundslikehe’s…

Laughing.

OhmyGod,thebastardisactuallylaughing!

“Cole!”Embarrassmentslowlyebbsasangerfillsthevoidinstead.“Areyouseriouslylaughing

aboutthis?”

“Sorry.Iknewsomethingwaswrongbecausethatdinnerwenttototalshitassoonasmymom

walkedthroughthedoorbutIcouldn’tfigureoutwhatwentwrong.”Hestartsshakingagainwitheven

moremirth.Ican’thelpbutslapathist-shirtcoveredchestbeforetryingtojumpoffhislap.

“It’snotfunny,”Iseethe,“sheknowseverythingaboutmyrelationshipwithyoubecauseItoldher!

Sheknowswe’vehadsex.Italkedtoheraboutgoingonthepill.Condoms!Sheknowsthatwewere

usingthem!”Ishakemyhead.“DoyouhaveanyideahowblindsidedIfeltwhenshewalkedthroughthat

doorandIrealizedthatthewomanIhadbeenconfidinginwasnoneotherthanmyboyfriend’smother?”

Afreshwaveofhumiliationwashesovermeagainmakingmefeelevenworse.Hislaughterisn’t

helpingmatterseither.

Notabouttoletmego,Coletightenshisthicklycordedarmsaroundmywigglingbody.Theyfeel

likesteelbandsholdingmefirmlyinplace.EvenasIfight,Iknowit’sfutile.I’mnotgoinganywhere

untilhedecidestoletmego.

“Doyouwanttoknowwhat’sevenmoreembarrassingthanthat?”

Feelingpeeved,Idon’trespond.

Hecontinuesanyway.“Havingyourmombargeinonyouwhenyou’reballsdeepinyourgirlfriend

andsecondsawayfromblowingyourload.Trustme,thatiswaymoreembarrassing.Andbecausethat’s

nothumiliatingenough,Ialsohadtositdownwithherandmystepdadto,”hereleasesmejustlong

enoughtomakeairquoteswithhisfingers,butbythispointI’vestoppedstruggling,“discussthe

ramificationsofwhatJackieandIweredoingwithourbodies.”Eyeswide,hecocksaneyebrowatme.

“Yeah…andletmetellyou,itunfortunatelydidn’tendwiththeveryrealhorrorsofSTD’sandpregnancy

showninanoverlygraphicpowerpointpresentation.”

Hepausesforamomentasiftoclearthatunwantedimagefromhishead.“No,theworstpartwas

discussingtheemotionalconsequencesofsex.Theonlythingthatcouldhavemadeitanyworsewasif

shehaddecidedtogivemeafewtipsandpointersbeforefinallylettingmeslinkbacktothesceneofthe

crime.”

Thelaughterisallbutexplodingfrommylipsasherehashesthestory.

Suddenlyhisarmsaretighteningaroundmeagainashegrins.“Oh,sothat’sfunny,huh?”Those

gorgeousdimplesofhispopandwink,meltingmyheart.“Ididn’thavesexfortwowholemonthsafter

thatfiasco.”Heshakeshisheadatthememory.

I’mallbutdyingwithlaughterbecauseIcanjustimagineDr.Thompsonsittingdowntohaveanin

depthsextalkandpoorColehavingtoendureit.

Aftermygigglingfinallysubsides,hesaysratherseriously,“So,doIthinkherknowingthatI’m

havingsexwithsomeoneIloveandthatwe’retryingtoberesponsibleisreallyacatastrophe?”Slowly

heshakeshishead.“No,ithonestlydoesn’tbothermeatall.”

FinallyIshoothimalookfrombeneaththefringeofmylashes.“Sheknowsaboutmypast,Cole.

Sheknowseverythingaboutme,”Istress.

HiseyesholdmineandwithinthemIseeallthelovehefeelsforme.“Idon’tcare.I’mnotashamed

aboutitandyoushouldn’tbeeither.You’veworkedhardthissemestertoovercomeeverythingandI’m

proudofyouforthat,Cassidy.Inthegrandschemeofthings,nothingelsematters.”

HiswordsringthroughoutmyheadasIfinallyreleasealongslowbreathbeforetheedgesofmy

mouthtiltupwards.“You’reright.”ThenIpressmylipstohis.“Ijustdidn’twanttheretobeanymore

secretsbetweenus.”

Hismouthslowlycaressesmine.Backandforthhislipsrub.“Idon’tcareaboutanyofthat.Ireally

don’t.”Histongueslipsintomymouthashishandsslideundermyt-shirt,well-oneofhist-shirts,before

eachhandfindsabreasttotoywith.Thislastsforaboutaminutebeforewehear-

“Ohyeah,breakfastandanX-ratedshow!Hotfreakingdamn!”

Snappingoutofourlustfilleddaze,webothturntowardsAlexwhoisatthisverymomentbacking

outofthekitchenwithahugesmilelightinguphisface.

Palmsup,hesaysemphatically,“Donotgoanywhere!Anddon’tstopwhatyou’redoingeither!”

Thenhe’sgone,poundingupthestaircase,knockingondoors,lettingeveryoneknowthatwe’reon

thevergeofhavingsexrightthereonthekitchentable.Ithinkhementionssomethingaboutpoppingsome

popcornaswell.

IduckmyheadintothecurveofCole’snecktryingtostiflemygigglesbecausethisissonotfunny.I

canfeelCole’sbigbodyshakingwithlaughterbeneathme.

“MaybeweshouldmovethisX-ratedshowbackuptothebedroom?”

Untuckingmyfacefromhiswarmflesh,Imeethiseyes.Mycheeksfeellikethey’reonfire.“Sois

thisoneofthoseembarrassingstorieswenowgettotell?”

“Sure,butlet’sgiveitacoupleofmonths.”

Smiling,Iaskinahuskyvoice,“So…youwouldn’tbeinterestedinhavingyourveryownX-rated

show,wouldyou?”

Notbotheringtoanswer,heimmediatelyshootstohisfeetwithmeinhisarmsbeforewalkingoutof

thekitchenandbackuptohisbedroom.ThankfullynoneofhisotherroommatesaretakingAlexvery

seriously,sowedon’tseeanyofthem.OncethedoortoCole’sroomisclosed,Irealizethatwe’ve

missedourpsychclass.

Guesswe’lljusthavetogetnotesfromSammy.

AsColeslideshisnicethickerectionbackinsideme,psychologynotessuddenlydon’tmatterone

damnbit.

AndasIstiflethecrythatoh-so-desperatelywantstotearfrommylips,theymatterevenless.

Lastyear,whenIgotkickedoffthehockeyteamandfailedoutofDartmouth,Icouldn’timagine

anythinggoodevercomingoutofit.Butsomehowithas.Becauseifmylifehadn’tdetoured,Iwouldn’t

havemetCole.NorwouldIhavebeengiventhechancetofallinlovewithhim.Iwouldn’thavethis

opportunitytoforgeanewrelationshipwithmymomandanevenbetteronewithmydad.BrooklynandI

wouldn’tberoommatesandbestfriends.AndIwouldn’tbeplayinghockeyonateamthatIactually

enjoy.

Soyeah,eventhoughlastyearwasdifficultanditfeltasifI’dlosteverythingthatwasimportantto

me,IactuallyendedupgainingmorethanIeverthoughtpossible.

Reachingup,Colegentlybrushesthehairoutofmyeyes.Onesideofhismouthcrooksuprather

adorablyatthecorner.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”Thequestionisquietlyaskedaswelayspentineachother’sarms.

Forjustamomentmymindisfilledwithallthegoodthathassomehowfounditswaybackintomy

life.“Iwasjustthinkingthateverythinghappensforareasonandyou,ColeMathews,aremy

everything.”

Dimplespopping,hegrinsdownatmebeforetakingmylipsinakissthatsearseverysinglepartof

meandthen…well…I’msureyoucanguesswhathappensafterthat.

Total.

Bliss.

~TheEnd~

ThankyousomuchforreadingDon’tLeave.Ifyouenjoyedit,pleaseconsiderleavingareview

whereyoupurchasedthisbookaswellasatGoodreads.

SneakPeek

KingofCampus

NowAvailable!

ChapterOne

Ladies,andafewguysaswell,;)keepthoseRoanKingsightingspouringin.Especiallytheones

ofhimatfootballpractice.Hot,sweaty,withanextrashotofgorgeousisexactlyhowItakemyRoan

King.Don’tmindmewhileItypeawaywithonehand…KingOfCampus.com

“Honey,”Iholleratthetopofmylungsbeforekickingthedoorshut,“I’mmmmhome!”

ThosewordsaremetwithaloudshriekasLexiefliesaroundthecornerbeforehurtlinghersmall

curvybodyatme.I’mgivenroughlytwosecondstodropmybagsinanticipationofimpact.She’sluckyI

havefairlydecent-

Thebreathgetsknockedrightoutofmeaswebothgocrashingtothefloor.

Apparentlyreflexesarenomatchwhenthatmuchforceandweightarecareeningtowardsyouatthe

speedoflight.Physics,I’mguessing,isexactlyhowIendupsprawledonmybackwithmybestfriend

androommatespreadoutontopofmeinourbrand-spanking-newapartment.There’sacompletelymanic

lightfillingherbigbrowneyes.Matchingthelook,Ican’thelpbutbeamrightbackupatherbecauseitis

sofreakinggoodtoseehergorgeousface.

It’sbeenpreciselyfifteenmonthssincewe’vebeeninthesameroomtogether.Actually,it’sbeen

fifteenmonthssincewe’vebeenonthesamecontinent.Ispentmysophomoreyearofcollegestudying

abroadinParis.

Needlesstosay,itwasjustasamazingandspectacularasyou’dimagineitwouldbe.Eventhinking

aboutitleavesmewithatinylittlepangofnostalgiaforthelifeI’djustleftbehind.

“Damn,nowthat’shot!CanIsnapashotformywallpaper?”

Webothturntostareatthetall,goodlookingmalegrinning…ormaybethecorrecttermwouldbe-

leeringdownatus.Hiseyesslideoh-so-slowlyoverourentwinedbodiesasifhe’stryingtosingethis

momentintohismemory…foralleternity.Butit’snotinapervyway…whattheheckamIsaying?Of

courseit’sinapervyway.WhichispreciselywhenIrealizethatmydearfriend,Lexie,seemstobe

missingthelowerhalfofheroutfit.

Yep…she’sonlywearingpanties.

Smotheringagiggle,sheclearsherthroat.Ratherimpressively,hervoicewhipsoutinaperfect

imitationofamotherscoldingherthreeyearoldtoddler.“Youdamnwellbetternotsnapapictureoryou

won’tbeseeingthisassforaverylongtime.”Toemphasizethispoint,shegivesitalittleshakeandher

boyfriendgroansinresponse.

“Please?”There’sawholelotofawhinefillinghisdeepmasculinevoice.Whichiskindof

hilariousbecausehe’swelloversixfeettallandisseriouslybroadinthechestandshoulders.Thisone

isdefinitelyallman.Lexie,ofcourse,filledmeinviaSkypeonthefootballplayingboyfriendshe

acquiredaboutsevenmonthsago.Needlesstosay,shewasn’texaggerating.

He’sprettydamnhot.

Ifyou’reintobigandmuscly…

WhichI’mnotgoingtolie…Iam.

“Thementalsnapshotyou’reburningintoyourbrainrightnowwillhavetosuffice.”

Foldinghismusculararmsinfrontofanequallysolidlookingchest,hegrumblesunderhisbreath,

“Youalwayshavetobesuchahardass.”

Lexiegivesmealittlewink.“Youwouldn’thaveitanyotherway,babe.”

“True,”hefinallysighsinagreement,“verytrue.”

SinceLexieisn’tshowinganyindicationofremovingherselffrommypersonanytimesoon,I’m

forcedtopointouttheobvious.“Youmightwanttogetoffmebeforeyourboyfriendhasanembarrassing

momentinhisshorts.”

I’mjoking,ofcourse.

Sortof.

“Youdon’thavetogetoffheronmyaccount,”hequicklychimesinashecontinuestoogleus.

Lexierollshereyesatme.

“HaveImentionedjusthowhotyoulookinthatthong?”HisvoicesoundsallheatedupandI’m

seriouslyconsideringshovingLexieoffmebeforesomethingunfortunate,nottomentionawkward,

happensandI’mnolongerabletolookthisdudeintheeyeseveragain.

“Jeez,Lex,didyouhavetomolestmewhileonlywearingathong?”Nowonderherboyfriendisall

butsportingawoodyoverthere.

“Behappyyoudidn’tarrivetenminuteslater,Iwouldn’tbewearinganythingatall.”

Ishakemyheadjustabittoloosenthatmentalimagefrommybrain.“Thatwasn’tsomethingIreally

neededtoknow.”

Continuingtogrindownatme,Lexiesmacksmylipswithabigwetsloppykiss.“GoddamnbutI

missedyou,Ivy.”Thenshedoesherdamnedesttosqueezetheverylifeoutofmebeforefinallyrolling

gracefullytoherside.

“I’mgladtobeback,too.”Evenasthewordsautomaticallyspillfrommymouth,IrealizethatIdon’t

necessarilymeanthem.There’safairlylargepartofmethatwishesIwerestilllivingmylifeinParis.

Withanoceanbetweenmeandmydad,Ididn’thavetodwellonhimandthenewfamilyhecreatedfor

himselfsoquicklyaftermymomdied.

Mydad’slifecarriedonwhileminefellapart.Andeventhoughit’sbeenfiveyearssinceshedied,

theachestillfeelspainfullytender.WhatbeingbackhereatBarnettmeansisthatInolongerhavean

excusenottovisitthem.

Shakingthosethoughtsaway,IrealizeI’mstillsprawledoutonthecarpetedfloor.Iblinkmyeyesa

fewtimesasahandsomefacepeersdownatmebeforecrinklingintoalargefriendlysmile.ButIdon’t

botherhoistingmyselfupjustyet.Instead,Isayinmymostformaltone,“Mr.Sullivan,Ipresume.”

Hisgrinintensifies,makinghimappearevenmorestrikingthanI’doriginallythought.Lexiehad,

quitenaturally,gushedabouthowgorgeoushernewguywas.Andit’snotlikeIdidn’tbelieveher,but…

it’squiteobviousshewasn’texaggerating.

Likeatall.

BecauseDylanSullivanisseriouslyhot.

Goldenblondhair,deepbrowneyes,sculptedjaw,andathleticbody.

AndaccordingtoLexie,hetreatsherlikeatotalprincess.Whichisexactlyhowitshouldbe.Lexie

deservessomeonewhoappreciatesjusthowsmart,loyal,andgorgeoussheis.She’sadamngoodfriend

andI’mluckytohaveherinmylife.

“Theoneandonly,”hebeamsinresponse,throwingaflirtylittlewinkinforgoodmeasure.

Oh,thisguyistotallydangerousallright…

Couldtheybemoreperfectlysuitedtooneanother?

Iabsolutelyloveit.

“Umm,isn’tyourfatherDylanSullivanthefirst?”

HeshrugshisbigbroadshouldersatLexie’squestion.Selfadmittedly,I’mkindofashoulderand

armgirlmyself.AndDylanSullivancertainlyhasnicelychiseledones.

“Shhh,you’reruiningthemoment,babe.”

Thatbeingsaid,Dylanoffersmeabighand,whichIgrabholdof,beforebeingimmediatelyhauled

offthefloorandsetbackontomysandaledfeet.Idustmybacksideoffbeforemygazeslidesbackto

Lexie.Theunexpectedglassysheenoftearsshininginherbigbrowneyeshasmyownwideningin

confusion.

“Lex,whyareyou-”

Idon’tevengetachancetowrapmylipsaroundthelastwordbeforeshe’sonceagainhurtling

herselfinmydirection.Herarmsslipquicklyaroundmybodybeforetuggingmeclose.

“Imissedyou,Ivy-Girl,”shewhispersfiercelyagainstmyear,“sodamnmuch!Fifteenmonthsisa

longtimetostayaway.Don’teverleavemelikethatagain.”

I’mnotnormallyanemotionalperson,butherheartfeltwordshavemesuddenlychokingup.I

squeezehertome,feelingjustashappytobebackherewithherassheistohaveme.

Pullingbacktosearchmyeyes,shequietlyadmits,“Iwasafraidyoumightdecidetostayover

there.”

ThatjustgoestoshowyouhowwellLexieknowsme.WhatIdon’tmentionisthatItriedmy

damnedesttomakethathappen.Tofinishoutcollege,findapermanentplacetolive,adancegig,allsoI

couldpostponecominghomeindefinitely.Becausebeingbackhere,eventhoughthisisanewapartment,

stillremindsmethatmymomisdeadandmydadhasmovedonandInolongerhaveahometoreturnto.

Notonethatfeelslikehomeusedtofeel.

“I’mjustsogladyou’refinallyhome.”

“Me,too,”Iwhisperashotlicksofemotionprickthebackofmyeyes.Ihughertightlyonelasttime

beforefinallyreleasingher.

LexieandIhavebeenbestfriendssincefourthgradewhenherfamilymovedindowntheblockfrom

mine.Wemadeitthroughmiddleandhighschoolwithourfriendshipintactanddecidedtoapplyatsome

ofthesamecollegessowecouldroomtogether.LuckilyBarnettwasonbothofourshortlists.Ithasa

highlyregardedfashiondesignprogramforLexieandakickassdanceprogramforme.

There’sabsolutelynooneinthisworldIcancountonlikeLexieAbbott.I’mactuallyalittle

ashamedofmyselfforfailingtorememberthat.Iguessintryingtoescapeallthepainfulmemories,I

forgotaboutthegoodstufftoo.

Lexiebacksupuntilshe’sstandingdirectlyinfrontofDylan.Assoonasshe’scloseenough,he

wrapsthosehugearmsaroundherbeforepullingherflushagainstthefrontofhisbody.Looking

ridiculouslycontented,hesettleshischinontopofherheadlikehe’sdoneitahundredtimesbefore.

Likeit’sthemostnaturalthingintheworld.

Ican’thelpbutfeelthrilledthatLexiehasfinallyfoundsomeonewhoappreciatestheamazing

womanshe’sgrowninto.

UnwillingtogetanymoresappythanIalreadyhave,Ishakemyhead.“Doyoutwocomewithbarf

bags?BecauseI’veonlybeenhereforabouttenminutesandyou’realreadymakingmesicktomy

stomach.”

Theybothflashbigwhitecheesygrinsatme.Iwanttorollmyeyesbeforestickingmyfingerdown

mythroatlikeI’mgoingtopuke.“Isupposeyou’regoingtobepracticallylivingherewithus?”Yep,I

canalreadyseehowthisisgoingtogo.Dylanwillbeourunofficialapartmentmascot.

Withbiginnocenteyes,shesays,“Didn’tImentionthatDylanlivesintheapartmentnexttouswith

twoguysfromthefootballteam?”

“Nope,”Ishakemyhead,“youdefinitelydidnotmentionthat.Iguessthatmakesthingsconvenient.”

“Totallyconvenient,”Dylanaddswithaslygrinaimedinmydirection.

ThistimeIactuallydorollmyeyes.“Sowhichroomismine?”

Inherexuberance,LexieallbutjumpsoutofDylan’sarmsbeforeleadingmedownashorthallway.

AsItrailafterher,I’mimmediatelyremindedthatshe’sonlywearingathong.

Imean,sure,shehasagreatassbutstill…

“Er,maybeyoushouldputyourshortsbackonbeforeyougivemethegrandtour.”Outofthecorner

ofmyeye,IseeDylanopenhismouth.Mynarrowedgazeslicestohis.“Don’tevensayit,”Iwarn.

Bitingherlip,Lexiestiflesanotherlaughbeforedashingintoherbedroom.Intwentysecondsflatshe

rejoinsussportingtinywhiteshorts.Thensheleadsthewayintoasunnylittleroombeforedoingher

bestautoshowmodelimitationasshegestureswithwidesweepingmovementstoallthewonderful

amenitiesmyroomhastooffer.

Shepointstowardsthetwolargewindowsliningthewall.“Lookatallthegorgeoussunlightthat

poursin!”Thenshethrowsopenthebi-foldclosetdoors.“Andahumongousclosetforalltheclothes

youbroughtbackfromParis.”Herarmsinstantlydroptohersidesasshequicklyswivelstowardsme.

HerautoshowmodelimitationistotallyforgotteninlieuofpossiblenewstylishEuropeanclothing.

“Youdidbringmebacksomeclothes,right?”

Forjustamoment,myeyestravelaroundtheroomtakingeverythingin.It’snothugebyanymeans

butafterlivinginParis,itsurefeelslikeitis.I’musedtoaboutathirdofthespace.Sothisfeelspretty

damnluxurious.Ican’tevenimaginewhatI’mgoingtodowithallthisspacetomyself.Thenmyeyes

falltothedoublesizedmattressshovedupagainstthefarwallandmyheartactuallyswellswith

unfetteredjoy.

Ohmygod,it’ssobig!I’vebeensleepingonatwinbedforthelastfifteenmonths.Iliterallycan’t

waittospreadoutonthathugemattress.Mayberollaroundabit.Makesomesnowangles…minusthe

snow.AlreadyI’mlookingforwardtohittingthesheetstonight.

IjustspentalittlemorethaneighthoursonaplanewithatwohourlayoverinAmsterdam.And

Franceissixhoursaheadofus.So…I’dlikenothingmorethantofallintobedrightnowforanicelong

nap.

WhenIdon’timmediatelyrespond,athreadofworryweavesitswaythroughhervoice.“Ivy?”Her

concernedtonesnapsmerightoutofmythoughts.

“OfcourseIdid,”Ifinallysay.“There’sashort,thighlengthpleatedskirt,twohandwovenscarves,

onecashmeresweater,agorgeousblackknittopandthesecreamytrouserpantsthatyourasswillthank

mefor.”

IfwatchingLexiesprawledoutontopofme,wearingnothingmorethanalacylittlethongandatank

topisDylan’sideaofawetdream,hearingaboutallthebeautifulclothesIbroughtbackfromParisis

hers.We’retalkingflushedcheeksanddilatedeyeshere.

Andyes…it’sentirelypossibleLexiecouldhaveanembarrassingmomentinhershorts.AlthoughI

hopenot.

“Oh,Ican’twaittoseethem,”shesquealsindelight,practicallyjumpingupanddownwith

unbridledenthusiasm.

FashiondesignisLexie’slife.ShewasabuddingfashionistawaybackinmiddleschoolbeforeI

evercaredaboutwhattopwentwithwhatbottoms.ThankgoodnessforLexieorIprobablywouldhave

beenmuchmoreofawalkingfashiondisasterthanIwas.

SoofcourseIscrapedtogetherenoughmoneyandperusedafewvintageboutiquestofindunique

piecesIknewshewouldn’tbeabletogethereintheStates.IhopeshelovesthemhalfasmuchasIthink

shewill.

“WhataboutsomehotFrenchlingerie?”

SinceDylanisstandingdirectlybehindLexie,shedoesn’tbotherturningaroundtoadmonishhim.

Shesimplyramsherelbowrightintohisgut.Hegruntsinresponse.Ifshehadn’tdoneit,Iprobably

wouldhave.

“Juststandthereandlookpretty,”shemuttersunderherbreath.

Mylipstwitchatherwordsbecauseheisdefinitelypretty.

Lexiegivesmealittlewinkasifshecanreadmymind.“Don’tlethisgoodlooksfoolyou,he’s

smart,too.”

Ofcourseheis.

BecausegorgeousandsmartareexactlythekindofguysLexieattracts.WhileI,ontheotherhand,

hadthesadmisfortunetofallforahotathleticjerkwhoassuredmehewasgoingtoremainfaithfultohis

study-abroad-girlfriendwheninactuality,hestartedhookingupwithothergirlsassoonasabove-

mentioned-girlfriendwasoutofthecountry.

I’vehadthelastfourteenandahalfmonthstogetoverFinnMcKenzie.AndIhave.Iamtotallyover

him.Unfortunatelyhe’sbeencallingandtextingalmostrelentlesslyforthelastweek,whichmeanshe’s

beenoccupyingmythoughtswaymorethanI’dlike.

PerhapsIshouldsayhe’sbeentryingtocallandtext.BecauseIhaven’tbotheredtopickuphiscalls

orrespondtohisratherlengthyandapologetictextmessages.Imean,canyouseriouslybelievethat?

Theguyhassomenervereachingouttomeafterwhathedid.Ishereallysodelusionalastothinkwe’re

justgoingtopickupwhereweleftoffnowthatI’mbackatBarnett?

Apparentlyheis.

We’dbeentogetherforaboutsixmonthsbeforeIleftforEurope.Andyes,Iknewhavingalong

distancerelationshipwouldbedifficultbutIwasstillwillingtogiveitashot.I’dreallygrowntolike

Finn.Iliterallyhadn’tbeengonemorethantwoweekswhenLexieSkypedmeaboutwhatFinnhadbeen

busydoing…whichhadbeen,incaseyou’rewondering,othergirls.

Andthat,myfriends,hadbeentheendofthat.

Lexie’sadvicewastoforgetaboutmycheatingassholeofanexbyhookingupwithabunchofhot

Frenchguys.

Ihookedupwithtwosemi-hotFrenchdudesandburiedmyselfindancewhichwasthereasonI’d

beenacceptedtostudyattheConservatoiredeParisinthefirstplace.Afterafewmonths,myheartache

lessened.IstoppedthinkingaboutFinn,mydad,hisnewwife,theirkidsandIjustconcentratedon

soakingupeverythingIpossiblycould.

Ittooksometimetoadjustbutafterabouttwomonths,Ifoundmyselfwithanamazingnewlifeina

cityrenownedforitsartandculture.TherewasnowayIwasgoingtoallowanythingtoruinthisoncein

alifetimeopportunity.Afterabouttenmonths,IstoppedthinkingaboutLexieandcomingbacktoBarnett

UniversityandstartedwonderingifmaybeIcouldliveherefortherestofmylife.

Or,attheveryleast,thenextfewyears.

WhenImentionedthispossibilitytomydad,hemadeitperfectlyclearthathewouldnotbefooting

thebillforalifeinParisandsaid,innouncertainterms,hewantedmebackatBarnettcomeAugust.

Undeterredbyhisdirective,orperhapsbecauseofit,I’dsearchedforenoughscholarshipandgrant

moneytopayformetocontinuestudyinginParis.Needlesstosay,Ihadn’tbeenabletopullitoffwhich

isexactlywhyIwasbackatBarnettformyjunioryear.

“So,doyoulikeit?”

MyeyesswingbacktoLexiewhoisstandingtherewithallthishopefulexpectationlightingupher

eyes.Atinysmiletugsatthecornersofmylipsbecauseitreallyisgoodtoseeherafterallthistime

apart.“It’sabsolutelyperfect.”

LookingverymuchlikethebestfriendIleftbehindfifteenmonthsago,ahugegrinspillsacrossher

beautifulfacerightbeforeshehurtlesherselfatmeforathirdtime.

ChapterTwo

Hangontoyourpantiesladies,becauseRoanKingiskickingoffthefirstdayofthefallsemester

bystrippingoffhisshirt...andyeah,it'sdefinitelyamajesticsighttobehold.Isitpossiblethathe’s

evenmorerippedandgorgeousthanlastyear?Someonehandmeanapkin,I'mstartingtodroolover

here...KingOfCampus.com

HowcouldIhaveforgottenthatjetlagisatotalbitch?

Itshouldreallybecalledasslagormaybeevenassdragwouldbeamoreaccuratedescription

becausemyassisliterallydraggingonthegroundandit'sonlyninefiftyinthemorning.Ihaveawhole

freakingdaystretchedoutaheadofme.

Ohgod…thatthoughtmakesmewanttoweep.

Ijustwanttoliedownrighthereinthemiddleofcampusandcry.

Andnoamountofhighlycaffeinatedbeveragesseemstobehelpingwiththatafflictioneither.

BecauseI'vebeensteadilypouringthemdownmythroatsinceIpriedopenmyblurryeyesthismorning.

Myfingersaretightlywrappedarounddrinknumberthreeaswespeak.

Ihatetosayit,butitalreadyfeelslikeI’mofftoacrappystart.Hereitisthefirstdayofclassesand

I'mpracticallyrunningclearcrosscampusbecauseI’mlate.WhyexactlydidIthinkpackingupmyentire

lifeinFranceandtravelinghomethedaybeforefallsemesterstartedwassuchabrilliantidea?

Oh...that’sright...IhadwantedtosqueezeeverysinglemomentIpossiblycouldoutofParis.Which,

comeon…youreallycan’tblamemefor.Becauseofthat,I'dspentallofyesterdayunpackingand

organizing.Basicallyrunningaroundlikeachickenwithmyheadcutoffbeforecollapsingontomy

lovelydoublesizedbedatmidnight.AndthenI’dsleptforeightsolidhours.

Yeah.Eightblissful,dead-to-the-worldhours.

AndI'mstilldragginglikeIhaven'tsleptasinglewink.

Haulingmyassoutofbedthismorninghadbeenamonumentalaccomplishmentonmypart.I'd

wantedtopickupmybooksatthecampusbookstorebeforetheyranoutwhichactuallyhappenedtome

freshmanyear.UnfortunatelythelineatthebookstorehadbeenwaylongerthanI’danticipatedwhichhas

nowmademelateformyteno’clockbusinessethicsclass.

Ican'tbelievewhatabunchoffreakingprocrastinatorsgotothisschool!

I,ontheotherhand,haveacompletelylegitimatereasonforwaitinguntilthelastminutetogetmy

books...Okay...fine...yes,Icouldhavetechnicallyorderedthemonline...ButIhadn'twantedtothink

aboutBarnettuntilabsolutelyforcedto.BecausethinkingaboutBarnettmeantIhadtoacceptthatthelife

I’dcreatedformyselfinPariswouldbecomingtoascreechinghalt.

SonowhereIam,tryingtohustlemywayacrosscampus.

Indireneedofsomethingtopullmeoutofthismentalfog,IhoisttheFrappuccinotomylips.Instead

ofgivingmeamuchneededjoltofenergy,itjustmakesmefeelevenmorejitterythanIalreadyam.My

sunglassesaresittingonthebridgeofmynose,shieldingmyeyesfromtheoverlyharshsunshineIwould

beallbutbaskinginonanyothergivenday.Mysuper-sizedicedcoffeedrinkisinonehandwhilemy

phoneisintheotherbecauseitkeepspingingwithincomingmessages.Mybagisslungacrossmy

nonexistentchest.AsImovealongthewidesidewalktowardsAdlerHall,itfeelsasifI'mfighting

exhaustionwitheverystepItake.

Ihonestlydon'tknowhowI'mgoingtomakeitthroughanentiredaylikethiswithoutfallinginto

somekindofnarcolepticstate.MyeyelidsarejustonthevergeofdroopingwhenIcrashintoahard

body.InstinctivelyIclutchmyphoneinonehandasmyhalf-filledcoffeedrinkgetsdumpedalloverthe

personwhohasthesadmisfortunetoendupcollidingwithme.

Imaynothavebeenfullyawakebeforethisunexpectedcollision,butIcertainlyamnow.Mymouth

fallsopeninshockandafairamountofhorrorasIwatchicybrowndropletscoursetheirwaydowna

malet-shirtcoveredchest.

"Ohmygod,"Ifinallysqueak.I'mallbutdyingofmortificationashotlicksofembarrassmentsetfire

tomynormallypalecheeks."I’msosorry."Nowwouldbeaperfecttimeforthesidewalktocrackopen

andswallowmewhole.

Yep...rightnow.

Rightnow,damnit.

Whatmakesmattersevenworseisthathehasyettoutterasingleword.ThelastthingIwanttodois

forcemygazeupandactuallymakeeyecontact.Atthisverymoment,I’mdesperatelyrackingmybrain

foranexitstrategy.LikesprintingawayfromthehumiliatingmessI'vejustcausedinthemiddleof

campus.Icanhearpeoplelaughinginthebackground.It'slikethedullroarofanoceanfillingmyears.

JustwhenIthinkImightdieoftotalshame,adeepvoicefinallyrumbles,"Igenerallyenjoywhena

girlsoaksme...butnotlikethis."

Ihavetoshakemyheadashiswordsslowlyfiltertheirwaythroughmybrain.

Waitaminute...

Didhe...didheseriouslyjustsaythattome?

Ihavetobeimaginingtheinnuendo...right?

Embarrassedornot,myheadwhipsupasmywidenedeyessnaptohis.

Inhalingasharpbreath,itgetsstuckinmythroatbeforeIprettymuchswallowmytongue.IfIhadn't

alreadybeenstunnedintosilencebythewholegodawfulpredicamentnowplayingout,thatfacewould

havetotallydonemeinbecausetheguystandingbeforemeisabsolutelygorgeous.

HemakesLexie'sboyfriend,Dylan,looklikesomehideoustrollinneedofabridgetohideunder.

TousledinkyblackhairpairedwiththemostbrilliantlyvibrantturquoisecoloredeyesI'veever

seen.Frozeninplace,I’munfortunatelypowerlesstolookaway.AsIcontinuestudyingtheuniquehueof

hiseyes,Irealizetheyholdaknowingsmirk.

Asifthecoalblackhairandbrightblue-greeneyesweren'tenoughofashowstopper,Ican'thelpbut

noticethathislashesarelongandthickenoughtomakeanywomangnashherteethinjealousy.High

cheekbonesandbeautifulfulllipscompletethepicture.

Hmmm...thatperfectcupid'sbowofamouthlookstobefirmlysetintoaknowinggrinaswell.

EventhoughI'mfindingitratherdifficulttolookawayfromhisstunningface,myeyesslowlyfallto

hiswide,strappingchestwhichishighlightedrathernicelybyanincrediblytightfittingredcottont-shirt

thathugshiminalltherightplaces.

Asifthisguyhasanywrongplaces...

Because,trustme,hedoesn’t.

I'mseriouslystartingtofeellightheadedoverhere.LikeIneedtositdownandputmyheadbetween

mykneesjustsoIcanbreathethroughthiswholeordeal.That’swhenInoticethehugebrownstain

marringthatperfectlychiseledchestofhis.Hisjeans,whichseemtoberidingratherlowonhislean

hips,arealsodrippingwithmychilledcoffeeaswell.

Thisfeelslikeoneofthosehorrendousfirst-day-of-schoolnightmaresthatpeoplejoltawakefromin

anicycoldsweat.Then,oncetheyrealizeit'snothingmorethanaterribledream,theyfallbackagainst

theirpillowsinrelief.

Exceptthisisactuallyhappeningtome.

Whichmakesit,like,athousandtimesworse.

I'mjustabouttoopenmymouthandstutteroutyetanotherlameapology,whenIhear,"Hey,King,

whatthehellhappenedtoyou?"

HearingthosewordsthankfullybreaksthestrangespellthathasfallenovermeatthesightofhimasI

blinkmyeyesafewtimesbeforegivingmyheadjustabitofashake.I’mhopingthemovementwill

somehowjumpstartmybrainintoaction.That’swhenIrealizethislittleincidentisdrawingawholelot

ofunwantedattention.ThankgodI'mwearinghugesunglassesthatcovermyeyesandface.Otherwise

thisguywouldgetagoodlookatme.

Anonymityistheonlythinggettingmethroughthismoment.

"I-I...maybeIhaveanapkininmybag."NotthatanapkinorKleenexisgoingtodoanythingtoclean

upthatdrippymess.Butit'stheonlythingIcanthinkof.Otherthanrunawayandneverseethisgorgeous

guyeveragain.Whichisashame.AsIslidemyphoneintomybag,Istartrummagingaroundinit.

Butit'sapitinhere.Myfingerscomeincontactwithbooks,acalculator,anextrapairoftightsfor

danceclass,afewhairbands(alsofordanceclass),apairofballetshoes(yep,youguessedit-dance

class),chapstick,handlotion,sanitizer,mywallet,aproteinbar,painmedication,atampon...

ApparentlyIhaveeverythingexceptsomethingtohelpcleanhimoff.

"Don'tworryaboutit,sweetheart."

Well,Ihavetohandittotheguy...he'sdefinitelytakingthislikeachamp.Ifsomeonehadspilledan

entiredrinkonme,I'dbepissedashell.

Myeyesliftjustintimetoseehimwhipoffthesnugfittingt-shirtleavinganamazinglybarechestin

itsplace.Mymouthinstantlydriesasmysunglasshiddeneyeswidenbeforelickingovereveryexquisite

tannedinchofhim.

Oh.

My.

God.

Someonemusthavechiseledthisguyfrommarble.Ittakeseverythingwithinmenottoreachoutand

slowlystrokemyhandsoverhim.Becausethat'sexactlywhatIwanttodo.

Andmaybelickhimaswell.

Yes...Idefinitelywanttorunmytongueoverhislustworthypectorals.

Andthoseabs...

Sixpack?

Ha!

Tryaneightpackonforsize.

Thisguy'sdefinitionisliterallyamazing.

Assomeonewhousestheirbodyforartisticexpression,Icancertainlyappreciatetheutterbeautyof

awellsculptedform.

God,canI...

"Seesomethingyoulike,gorgeous?"

Evenwhenthatcocksuretonehitsmyears,Ican'tstopmyeyesfromeatinghimup.Heusesthenow

waddedt-shirttowipeawaysomeofthewetnessthathastrickleddownhisstomach.

Yes,I'mdefinitelyfeelingwoozy.

Andit'snotthejetlagthathasmybraintakingamentalpauseeither.

AsmuchasI'mhavingmyveryownprivatemomentwiththisguy'samazingbody,Ican'thelpbut

becomeawareofthecatcallsandwhistlesnowcomingfromalldirections.Glancingslowlyaroundme,I

realizetherearepocketsofgirlswhohavealsostoppedtoadmirethebarechestedAdonisinfrontofme.

Thetipsofmyearsreignitewithheat.Wantingtodistancemyselffromthecalamity,Itakeahasty

stepbackwards.

Thenanotherone.

"Ireallyamsorry,"Imumbleagain,allthewhilecontinuingtobackawayfromhim.He'sjustonthe

vergeofopeninghismouthwhenIsuddenlyturnandboltdownthewidesidewalk.AsIdo,Ican'tresist

throwingonelastlookovermyshoulder.Oureyeslockforjustamomentbeforehe'sswallowedupbya

surgingcrowdofonlookers.

Butstillhisblue-greencoloredeyesstayfastenedonmineasIhightailittomyteno'clockclass

whichI’mnowlatefor.Notthatthere'sanythinggoodaboutwhatjustoccurredbackthere,butI'msureas

hellwideawakenow.Isupposethat'sanunexpectedbonusregardingthedisasterI'mcurrentlysprinting

awayfrom.Raisingahandtomycheeks,Irealizethey'restillburningwithhumiliation.

TheonlythingIcandoisshakeitoffandmoveonwiththerestofmyday.

Barnetthasabouttwentythousandstudentssothechancesofrunningintothatguyagainareslimto

none.Atleastthat'swhatIkeeptellingmyselfbecauseitmakesmefeeldecidedlybetter.

IttakesalloffiveminutesformetobustthroughtheheavydoorsofAdlerHallwhichisoneofthe

businessbuildingshereoncampus.Iglanceatmyschedule.Room305.QuicklyIjoguptwoflightsof

stairsbeforeheadingdownalongechoingcorridoruntilIfinallyfindtheroom.It'sasmallclass.

Probablyaroundtwenty-fourstudentssincethisisahigherlevelbusinesscourse.

Luckily,theprofessorisstilltalkingwithastudentatthefrontoftheroomandhasn'tofficiallystarted

class.Breathingoutaheavysighofrelief,Islideintoadeskatthefarsideoftheroomanddropmybag

tothefloorbeforerepositioningmysunglassesontopofmyhead.I'mwindedandstillfeelingfrazzledby

whatjusthappenedwiththatguy.

Butthat'soverwithnow.Otherthantofantasizeaboutthatamazingchestofhis(probablylateat

nightwhenI'mfeelingsexuallyfrustrated),Ineverwanttothinkabouthimorthewholemortifying

incidenteveragain.

AsfarasI’mconcerned,itneverhappened.

AsProfessorPaulsonbeginsclass,Itakeoutmylaptopandstarttypingaway.Fifteenminutesintoit,

mypulsehasfinallysettledandI'mnolongerthinkingaboutspillinganentiredrinkonsomeunsuspecting

strangerwhenthedoortotheclassroomcreeksopenandinstrollsMr.AbsofSteelhimself.Eyesbulging

outofmyhead,IactuallydoadoubletakebecauseIcan'tbelieveit'sreallyhim.Theentireclassturnsto

stare.Eventheprofessorhaltsherlecturemid-sentence.

UnconsciouslyIslumpinmychairbeforesubtlyshieldingmyfaceinalameattempttohideeven

thoughIknowthere'sabsolutelynowayinhellhe'llrecognizeme.Imean,Ihadonhugesunglassesthat

practicallyswallowedupmyentireface.Andhe’snotevenlookinginmydirection.

Iwaitfortheprofessortolayintohimfordisruptingherclass.Carefullypeekingthroughmyfingers,

Inoticehe'snowwearingabrightbluet-shirtandhisdenimhasbeenchangedaswell.Whichprobably

meansthathimbeinglatetoclassisentirelymyfault.

Thankfullyhe'sstilllookingattheprofessor,notme.I'mclearacrosstheroomparkednearthe

windowsseveralrowsoverfromwherehe'sstanding.

"Sorry,Dr.Paulson,Iwasdelayedonthewayover."

I’mgoingtowagerthatthisisthepartwhereDr.Paulsonratherembarrassinglyripshimanewonein

frontoftheentireclass.IalmostcringewaitingforittohappenbecauseobviouslyI’mtheonetoblame

forhistardiness.NotthatI'llbeapologizinganytimesoon.BecauseIdon'tplanonconversingwiththis

guyeveragain.

MyentirebodytensesasIwaitforhertomakesomehumiliatingexampleoutofhimtoscare

everyoneelseintobeingpromptfortherestofthesemester.

Waitforit…

Hereitcomes…

Muchtomysurprise,Dr.Paulsongoingoffthedeependinascarytiraderevolvingaround

promptnessandrespectneverhappens.

Slowlymybrowsdrawtogetherinconfusion.

Becausethewomanalmostlookslike...

Um...isshe...issheactuallyblushing?

Thatcan’tbe.

Forgoodnesssake,ourprofessorhastobeatleastforty.Ifnotolder.IsquintasifIcan'tquite

believewhatI'mseeing.Yep,she'sdefinitelyblushinglikesomekindoftweencomingfacetofacewith

oneofthedudesfromOneDirection.Nowshe'stuckingastraypieceofmousybrownhairbehindherear

assheshiftsfromoneorthopedicshodfoottotheother.

"Don'tworryaboutit,Mr.King.SeemeafterclassandI'llgetyoucaughtuptospeedonwhatyou

missed."

Inresponse,hedazzlesherwithafullblownsmile.Eventhoughthelookisn'tdirectedatme,I'm

embarrassedtoadmitthatmypantiesinstantlyfloodwithheat.Ithinkagoodnumberofthefemalessigh

inresponseaswell.

"Thanks,Dr.P."Hegivesheralittlewink.“You’rethebest.”

Thisguyistotallyshameless.

Unbelievable.

AgainIcovermyfaceasheglancesaroundtheroombeforesaunteringupthefirstrowclosesttothe

doorandparkinghimselfnearthefront.Allthegirlsinhisgeneralvicinitygravitatetowardshimasifhe

hassomekindofmagneticpull.Alltheguysgivehimfistbumpsandbackslaps.

It'sallalittleridiculous.

Whothehellisthisguyanyway?

"Youdon'tknowwhoRoanKingis?"

Surprised,Iturntowardsthegirlsittingintherowdirectlyacrossfromme.Unlessthischickisa

mindreader,Imusthavemutteredthequestionoutloud.SilentlyIshakemyhead.

ShegivesmeanoddlooklikeImusthavecrawledoutfromunderarockjusttoattendthisclass.

Whichpromptsmetosaywithjustatouchofdefensiveness,"Ididastudyabroadprogramlastyear.I

justgotbacktotownyesterday."

ApparentlythismakesperfectsenseandIamnolongerahugeloserwhohidesunderrocks.

"That’sRoanKing,asenior.He'safootballplayinggodwhoredshirtedhisfreshmanyear.Buthe

wassuchastudonthefield,thathe'sbeenafirststringwidereceivereversincehewasasophomore."

Sheleanstowardsmeasifshe'sabouttorevealtopsecretinformationnooneelseoncampusisprivyto.

Gettingcaughtupinthemoment,IanglemybodytowardsherasifI'mallears.WhichapparentlyIam.

"Wordishe'llbeenteringthedraftinJanuaryeventhoughhecouldplayhereatBarnettforanother

year."Hereyesdancewithunmitigatedexcitementasifshehasapersonalstakeinthatactually

occurring.Thenshesighsratherdreamily,"Andjustlookathim,he'stotallygorgeous."

Mygazeslidestotheeyecandycurrentlybeingdiscussed.She’sright,he’sdefinitelygorgeous.But

I'dalsolayoddshe'sacockydouchebagplayeraswell.Imean,comeon,he'safootballplayer.Who

lookslikesomekindoffreakingAdonis.

"Ifyou'reinterested,"shegivesmealookthatconveys-andwhowouldn'tbe,"there'sawebsite

solelydevotedtoallthingsRoanKing.Andtherearesomeseriouslyhotpicsofhimuptheretodrool

over."

NowthatmyRoan-King-hazehasfinallystartedtodissipateandmyhormonelevelsareonceagain

eveningout,mybrowssnaptogetherintotaldisbelief."Areyoutellingmethisguycreatedawebsiteso

hecanpromotehimself?"Oh,that'sgoingtoofarevenforagorgeousfootballplayinggodlikehim.I

almostwinceatmyownuncheckedthoughts.

Footballplayinggod?

DidIseriouslyjustthinkthat?

Guilty.

So,soguilty.

Sheshakesherhead."Ofcoursenot.RoanKinghasamajorfollowinghereatBarnett.Whoever

createdthesightallowspeopletotrackandpostRoanKingsightingsandgossip.So,ifyoueverwantto

knowwhathe'supto,justcheckoutthewebsite.Ialwayslooktoseewhereheisthroughoutthenightso

maybeIcanrunintohim."

Umm…right.

Ithinkthisgirlwantstodomorethanjustrunintohim.Whatshe'sdescribingisborderlinestalking.

Ican'tbelieveshe'sactuallyadmittingittoavirtualstranger.Howembarrassing.Ofcourse,thatthought

naturallyleadsmetowonderifshe'smerelyfuckingwithmebecausehe'snotafreakingcelebrity.

He'sjustsomecollegeathlete.

Albeitareallyhotcollegeathlete.

Withmyeyesnarrowedinskepticism,Iask,"Andthisisallbecauseheplaysfootball?"I'mactually

havingareallyhardtimewrappingmymindaroundthis.AndIcertainlyhaven'truledoutthewhole-I'm-

being-fucked-withscenarioeither.

Givingmethat-do-you-live-under-a-rocklookagain,sheshakesherhead,"No,hedoesn'tjustplay

football,heisfootballhereatBarnett.LikeIsaidbefore,he'senteringthedraftinJanuary.Andwell...

justlookathim."Sheflicksherhandinhisdirection."He'sthehottestguyoncampus.RoanKingis

goingplacesandeveryoneisinterestedinwherethoseplacesare."

Withthatsheswivelsinherseatsothatshe’sfullyturnedtowardstheprofessor.AndRoanKing.

Forthenextthirty-fiveminutesIdomybesttofocusonwhatDr.Paulsonisdiscussing,butIwould

belyingifIdidn'tadmitthatmyeyeskeepstrayingacrosstheroomtorestonBarnett’slegendaryfootball

star.EverytimeIcatchmyselfstaringatthosewideshoulders,bulgingt-shirtcladbiceps,andinkyblack

hair,Ihavetomentallychastisemyselfbeforerefocusingmydistractedattention.Aftertheseventhtime,

I'mmorethanalittleirritatedwithmyselfforactingliketherestofthesesillylittletwitswhoare

practicallydroolingallovertheirdesks.

EventhoughIwashereformyfreshmanyear,Idon'trecallhearinganythingaboutRoanKing.

InsteadofpayingattentiontoDr.Paulsonassheoutlineswhatwe'llbelearningthissemester,I'mtoobusy

rackingmybraintryingtorememberanylittletidbitofinformationaboutthisguy.

ButIkeepdrawingblanks.

Whichshouldn'tsurprisemebecauseI'veneverreallycaredforfootball.Iknowabsolutelyzero

aboutit.Andfurthermore,Ihavenointerestinlearninganythingaboutiteither.Whenforcedtoattend

highschoolhomecominggameswithLexie,Idistinctlyrememberbeingboredoffmyass.

MyeyesnarrowasIcontinuecontemplatinghim.

I'dhazardaguesstosaythere'snotmuchgoingonbeneathallthatgorgeousness.Andifour

professorisanyindication,he'sprobablybeencoastingthroughthelastthreeyearsofcollegeonhis

hotnessandfootballplayingskills.

Thatisifplayingfootballcanactuallybeconsideredaskill...

BecauseeverytimeI'vebeenforcedtowatchagame,theguysonthefielddon'tseemtodoanything

morethanrunaroundthrowingsomeoblongshapedballtoeachother.Andthegameisconstantlybeing

stoppedwhichonlymakesitevenmoremindnumbing.Likethey'redeliberatelytryingtotortureallthe

fansthathavefilledthestands.

Seriously,howmuchskillcansomethinglikethatpossiblytake?It'snotlikeexecutingaperfect

pirouetteoradageorballonnepas,forgoodnesssake.Thattakesyearsofrelentlesspracticeand

dedication.

SoeventhoughIdon'tknowRoanKingpersonally,he'sobviouslysomeonetosteerclearof.Andnot

thatMr.Footballhasanyinterestinmewhatsoever,butafterwhathappenedwithFinnlastyear,Ihave

zerointerestingettingtangledupwithanotherjerk.

Imeanjock.

EspeciallysomefootballplayingNeanderthalwhoobviouslythinkshe'sgod'sgifttothefemale

populationofBarnettUniversity.

Ugh.

Thanks,butnothanks.I’llpass.

SneakPeek

ConfessionsofaHeartbreaker

NowAvailable

ChapterOne

"Yo,Parker,whereyou'ddisappearto,dude?"

IhearMaxholleratmefromoutsideonthedarkenedpatio.There'saslysmileplasteredacrosshis

facebecauseheknowsexactlywhatI'vebeenupto.AndwhoI'vebeenuptoitwith...

Shakingmyhead,Iflashhimashiteatinggrinbutdon'tsayaword.NatalieCosgroveisallsnuggled

upagainstthesideofme.Myarmiscasuallyslungoverhershouldersaswemakeourwaythroughthe

thickcrowdofjuniorsandseniorstothekeginthebackyard.BeingthegentlemanthatIam,Itopoff

Natalie'scupbeforefillingmyown.

Justaswe'reabouttojoinMaxandafewoftheotherguysfromthefootballteam,Ipauseturning

towardsNatalie.Withoutwarning,Ileandownbeforegivingheralongdeepkissonhersoftlips.She

staresupatmewithaflushedfaceandsatisfiedeyes.

Don'teverletitbesaidthatIdon'taimtoplease...

"Thatwasprettydamnawesome,"Imurmur.Myfingersgentlystrokethesideofherface.It'sa

practicedmove.I'mgearinguptosendNatalieonhermerrylittleway.

Sheblushes,herlipsbowingupatthecorners."Itwas,Parker."

Herhotpinkcoloredtalonstraillightlyoverthet-shirtstretchedacrossmychest.Theylingerfora

momentortwoassheturnsherbigbabyblueeyesupatme.Shehasgreateyes.Actually,Nataliehasa

greateverything.

"Maybelaterwecanmeetupagain."Hereyelashesflutteragainstthepalenessofhercheeksbefore

hereyeslifttomine.

That'soneofthethingsIlikeaboutNatalie.She'ssubtle,notpushy.I’mdefinitelynotintopushy

chicks.

Butstill...

IsmileeventhoughI'mnottotallyfeelingwhatshe'sputtingoutthere."Yeah,maybe,we'llsee."I

glanceoveratmyteammatessuddenlyfeelingimpatienttojointhem...sansNatalie."Listen,babe,I'm

goingtohangwiththeguysforawhile."Beforeshecanthinkofawaytodetainme,Ismackaquickkiss

onherfulllipsandtakeoff.

AsIweavemywaythroughthecrowd,Itakeagreatbiggulpofbeerinrelief.Damnbutthatfeels

goodgoingdown.

MaxturnsjustasIapproach.HiseyestrailbehindmebeforeslowlytravelingupanddownNatalie's

hotlittlebody.Hisperusaldoesn'tbotherme.Imeanit'snotlikewe'retogetheroranythinglikethat.

Anyway,Maxenjoyslivingvicariouslythroughme.HejusthastodoitwhenEmily'snotaroundbecause

ifsheevercaughthimlookingatanothergirl,she'dmorethanlikelysawoffhisballswitharustyblade

beforerammingthemstraightdownhisthroat.Andthat’stheniceversionofwhatshe’ddo.

"Damn,thatgirlisfine."

IglanceoverMax'sshoulderbeforegivingasubtlelittlecough."Oh-hi,Emily."

Eyeswide,mouthgapingopenlikeafish,Maxspinsaround.

Onlytofindopenspace.

Ican'thelpbutlaughbecausethelookonhisfaceiscompletelypriceless.

"You'resuchanass,Montgomery."Withoutanywarning,hejabsmeintheribswithhiselbow.

Thatonlymakesmelaughharder."Yeah,IknowbutI'mokaywiththat."

Heglancesaroundcovertly,probablytryingtolocatehisdisturbedsidekick,beforemutteringunder

hisbreath,"YouknowEmwouldkillmeifsheeverheardmetalkingaboutNatalie."

Inodsagely,takinganotherswallowofbeer."Andthatwouldbethereasonyourexpressionwasso

freakingcomical."

MaxshakeshisheadbeforehiseyesonceagainlandonNatalie."Youreallyareanass."

Apparentlyhe'snotquitedonegawkingandtalkingaboutNatalie’sfinerqualities.Whichisfunny

becauseI'mcompletelydonetalkingabouther.Tippinghisbeerback,hetakesanicelongswigbefore

saying,"Notsurewhyyouaren'ttappingthatonaregularbasis."

"BecauseregularbasisequatestogirlfriendandIdon'tdothose."

Maxrollshiseyes.Hedoesn'tunderstandwhyI'msoadamantlyagainsthavingagirlfriend.Ican't

decideifit'sbecausehelegitimatelyenjoysbeinginacommittedrelationshipandthereforewantsmeto

experiencethesamejoyaswell.Orifmiserylovescompanyandhe'sjustlookingforsomeonetokeep

himcompany.I'mleaningtowardsthemisery-loves-companyexplanationbecauseMaxandEmilyare

totallypsychocrazytogether.Hison-again,off-again,on-again,off-againcarouselofarelationship

isenoughtoputanyoneoffhavingagirlfriend.

Forlikeever.

Thosetwoareconstantlyfightingandmakingup.Ineverknowfromonedaytothenextifthey're

togetherornot.

Whoneeds,orbetteryet,wantsallthatdrama?

Isureashelldon't.

I'mgoingtoletyouinonalittlesecretI'vediscoveredaboutthegirlsatthisschool-theygenuinely

seemtothriveonallthegossip,he-said-she-saidBS,constantbackstabbing,andpettyarguments.Oh,

andthenthere'smypersonalfavorite-defriending.Actually,I'vemetgirlsfromotherschoolsandthey're

justasbad.So,yeah,I'mdefinitelynotintohavingoneofthoseformyveryown.

Thanks,butnothanks.

IglanceovermyshoulderasItakeanothergiantgulpofbeer.Nataliehasfoundherwayovertoa

largegroupofscantilycladgigglinggirls.

I’llbehonest,Idon'tgetit.It'sOctoberandit'sprettydamncold.Theycan'tpossiblybewarm

standingaroundoutsidelikethat.

Forjustamoment,Istudythemenmasse.SometimesitfeelslikeI'mananthropologistobservingthe

socialinteractionsofsomestrangeprimitiveculture.Ifyouwatchcarefullyenough,you'llstartto

understandthesocialhierarchyandintricatedynamicsofthegroup.Itdoesn'ttakelongtofigureoutwho

thehighestandlowestrankingmembersare.Andthentheyallstandaroundflippingtheirhair,rolling

theireyes,andlaughingobnoxiously.

Throughcarefulobservations,I'vecometorealizethatthisisanattempttogainattentionfromthe

malespeciesthatsurroundthem.Theonlythingworsethanthatiswhentheystartdrinking,getallsad

bastard,andthenproceedtobawltheireyesoutbecausetheguythey'recrushingonthisweekdoesn't

returntheirardentaffection.

Nowdon'tgetmewrong,Ilovetheladies.Ireallydo,Ijustdon'thavemuchuseforallthecrapthat

comeswiththem.Outsideofthephysical,Ifindthemcompletelyexhausting.

Nataliemustsensemygazebecauseshesuddenlyturns,glancinginourdirection.IgnoringMax(asis

standardoperatingprocedureformostgirlsheknows),shemeetsmyeyesbeforegivingmeacoylittle

smileandwave.MylipsliftinreturnbeforeIsaluteherwithmyredplasticcup.

See?Nofuss,nomuss.Nomisplacedexpectationsordemands.Andthat,myfriends,iswhy

Natalieprettymuchtopsmygo-tolist.

"Yep,she'scool."

Whichisexactlywhythisrelationshipworksoutsowellbetweenus.Ihavezerointerestinbeing

tieddown.AndNatalieknowsbetterthantobringitup.OnceIcatchevenawhiffof-"Parker,Iwantus

tobeexclusive"Icutthemloose.Ihavewaytoomuchgoingonwithfootballandlacrosseforthatshit.

Nottomentionschool.

Ugh.

Themerethoughtofschoolhasmedrainingtherestofmycupinonethirstygulp.Buttonightis

Fridaynight.AndwejustpummeledKennsington,spankingtheirassesgood.AndI'vejustspentalittle

timewithNatalieCosgrovewhohasonceagainproven(withflyingcolors,Imightadd)whyshe'smy

numberonegirl.LifeisprettygoodandI'mnotabouttoletthoughtsofschoolkillthenicebuzzI'm

workingtowards.

Iholdupmyplasticcuptothegroupatlarge."Goingforarefill."

MaxjoinsAdamandWill'sconversationastheydiscussthefootballgameblowbyblow.Actually,it

wasaprettysweetgame.Comingoffawinalwaysfeelsamazing.

I'mjustturningawayfromthekegwithafullcupofgoldendeliciousnesswhensomechickliterally

crashesintomyside.Ihearhersmallcryofsurprisewhichquicklymorphsintodispleasureashalfmy

beerspillsdownthefrontofher.Becauseherheadistilteddownward,I'mnotabletoseeherface.Only

thelongblondehairthatcascadesoverit.Gingerlyshetouchesthenowsoakedfabric,holdingitaway

fromherfleshasitcontinuestodripontothegroundbetweenus.

Actingoninstinct,Isnatchthetowelthat'slyingnexttothekegandimmediatelystartmoppingthe

frontofhersweater.Themomentmyhandmakescontact,herheadwhipsupjustbeforehereyesskewer

minewithadeathglarethatalmostshrivelsmyballs.

Almost.

LuckilyformeI'mmadeofsternerstuffthanthat.

"Pleasestop,you'vecausedenoughdamagealready."

Amusedbytheattituderollingoffherinthickheavywaves,Itiltmyheadjustabitasmyhandfalls

slowlybacktomyside."Whathappenedwasanaccident.Andfortherecord,itwasyouwhoslammed

intome.Nottheotherwayaround."

Hermouthdropsopenashereyeswiden."Areyoubeingseriousrightnow?"

Hmmm,hereyesarereallykindofamazing.Mossygreen.Withhintsorflecksofgolddancingaround

withinthem.Istepjustabitcloserwantingabetterlook.ShecranesherneckasIpurposelyinvadeher

space.Shecan'tbemorethanfivefootthreeatthemost.IbetIhaveagoodseveninchesonher.

InsteadofbackinguplikeIexpecthertodo,shestandshergroundbeforeadding,"Ididn'tslaminto

youandifthatwasyourlameattemptatanapology,itreallysucked."

Ican'thelptheslowsmilethatspreadsitswayacrossmyfacebecausethispartyjustgotahellofa

lotmoreinteresting.

ChapterTwo

Idon'tknowwhothischickis,butshe'stotallyspunkyforsomeonesotiny.AndIhavetoadmitthat

I’mkindoflikingit.Ican'thelpbutwarmtothislittlebackandforthwesuddenlyhavegoingonhere.

Doesthatmakemeperverse?

BecauseIkindofthinkitdoes.

"WhywouldIapologizewhenyou’retheonewhoslammedintome?Maybeyoushouldbe

apologizingtomerightnow."

"Areyououtofyourmind?"Assheholdsupthebottomofherdrippingsweater,I’mjustableto

makeoutthebaresthintofsmoothflatbellyabovethewaistbandofherlowrisejeans.Ican'thelpbut

findmyselfintriguedbythatlittlestripofalabasterflesh."Doyouseethis?Thisisyourbeerallover

myfavoritesweater.Ilovethissweaterandnowit'sprobablyruined."Shewrinkleshernoseinthe

cutestway."Andthatsmellisnevergoingtocomeout."

IwanttogrinbutIsuspectthatwillonlypissheroffmore.SoIdomybesttoreinitinbefore

saying,"Look,it'sjustbeer.Ipromise,it'llcomeout.JustsoakitinsomeWoolitewhenyougethome

tonight,it'llbefine."

Shearchesabrow."Andyouknowthishow?"

"Um,becausegirlsarelikealwaysspillingtheirbeeronme."Rollingmyeyes,Igivehermybest

dramaqueenvoice."Ican'teventellyouhowmanytimessomerudechickhasruinedoneofmyfavorite

sweaters."

Nowthisisthepartwhereshe'ssupposedtochuckleorcrackasmileorsomething.Somethingto

showthatshe'snottotallyimmunetome.Ormycharismaticcharm.Ormyhandsomegoodlooks.

Instead,shejustlevelsahard,uncomfortablestareatme.

Yeah,thisisdefinitelystartingtofeelawkward.

Thereisabsolutelynochangeinherfacialexpression(notevenatwitch)whichhasmefeelinglikea

realdumbassrightaboutnow.AndI'llbehonestwithyou,I'mnotusedtofeelinglikethatwhenitcomes

tointeractingwiththeoppositesex."Wow,really?Nothing?You'reonetoughcrowd."

"It'salmostdifficulttobelievethatyoursadattemptatajokewasevenlamerthanyourapology...but

itwas.”

Ouch.

FeelinglikeI'monstrangelyshakyground,Iholdoutthetowelasapeaceoffering.Sheyanksit

quicklyfrommyhandbeforestaringdownatwhatInowunderstandtobeherfavoritesweater.

"It'severywhere."Asoftpuffofairleavesherlipsasifshe'sataloss."Idon'tevenknowwhereto

begin."

Okay,sohere'swhathappensnext-andyeah...it'snotgood.Andbynotgood,Iactuallymean

terrible.BeforeIcanstopmyself,I’mpluckingthetoweloutofherhandbeforegoingtotownonthewet

materialnowpressedupagainstherdelectablelittlebody.

Now,ifI’dthoughtshewasfrowningbefore…well,Iwaswrong.

AndImeanreallywrongbecauseinthemomentthatittakesformyhandtobreechhernoflyzone,

herlipssinkevenfurtherintowhatIcanonlydescribeasanangryslashasshesilentlywatchesmefrom

eyessonarrowed,they'repracticallyslits.

"I'mstartingtothinkyoupurposefullyspilledthatbeerjustsoyoucouldcopacheapfeel."

Isnort.

Well,IguessIamtechnicallycoppingafeel.ButanythingI'mactuallyfeelingisminimalatbest.She

certainlycan'tcompetewithNatalieinthetitsdepartment.ForsomebizarrereasonIfeeltheneedto

throwthisgirloffhergame,justlikeshe'sinexplicablydonetome.EventhoughIknowit'sacompletely

jerkythingtodo,Igiveherchestalongleeringlook.Ievensquintforgoodmeasure,beforedraggingmy

eyesbackuptohers.

There.Nowthatoughttobeenoughtoshutherdown.

Mostchickshatetohavetheirbreastsogled,whichisactuallykindoflaughable.Nottomention

confusing,becausethey'rethefirstonestowearthetiniest,tightestscrapesoffabrictheycanfindintheir

closetandcallitashirt.Thentheyhavetheaudacitytogetmadwhenwegawk.

Wordtothewise-ifyou'regoingtostareatagirl'sboobs,doitcovertly.Otherwiseit'ssexual

harassment.

Idon’tquiteknowwhat'sgottenintomebutIdon'tlikethatthisgirl’snotrespondingthewayfemales

usuallydowhenthey’rearoundme.So,Iaddthekicker."There'snotexactlyalottocop,ifyouknow

whatImean."

Lookingcompletelyunaffectedbyeverythingthathasjustoccurred,sheglancesdownatherown

chestandcontemplatesitforalongmoment."Yep,I'mawareoftheboobsituationgoingonbutthanksfor

pointingitouttome,Parker,orshouldIjustcallyou-CaptainObvious?"

Thatwasn’texactlythereactionIwasgoingfor.

Seriously,whoisthisgirl?

IneedtodecidequicklyhowI'mgoingtoplaythissituation.

Andher.

UnfortunatelyI'mdrawingblanksrightnow.It'slikemybrainhasgoneonatemporaryhiatus.I’m

goingtobecompletelyhonestwithyou,usuallymyinteractionswiththefemalesarelightandteasingly

easy.I'mfullofcomplimentswithafewlingeringtouchesthrowninforgoodmeasure.Andmost

importantly,I'mtheoneincontroloftheconversation.I'mtheonewhodecideshowthesituationwill

unfold.

ThishasgoneexactlytheoppositeofthatandnowI'mtheonewho'sbeenleftfeelingtonguetiedand

unsure.

MyeyesroamoverherfacewhileIwaitformybraintofinallyclickbackintogear.ButIcan'tjust

standherelikeadumbass,Ihavetosaysomething.MaybeifIcanfigureoutwhosheis,Icangetthis

capsizedconversationbackontrack.

"Letmesaveyouthetrouble,ParkerMontgomery,becauseIcanseethelittlehamsterwheelspinning

inyourhead.Youdon'tknowme.Andfrankly,becauseofyourrathermanwhore-ishreputation,I'mokay

withthat.You'relikeawalkingadvertisementforSTD's.OneI’llbepassingon."

Ithinkmychinjusthitthecement.

Holycrap.

Didthisgirlseriouslyjustsaythattome?

IhavetoadmitthatI'msortofblownaway.Manwhore?I'mnotamanwhore.Imean,sureI'vebeen

withanumberofgirls,butdoesthatnecessarilymakemeamanwhore?

Stillgapingatherlikeafishoutofwater(becauseyeah,Icanactuallyfeelit),allIseemcapableof

doingisstaringatherfeelingtotally...damnit!

Ican'tevenadequatelyexplainhowI'mfeelingrightnow.TheonlythingIseemcapableofdoingis

hoistingmycuptomylipsandtakingagreatbiggulpofbeer.Ihavetoadmitthatthishasnotexactly

beenoneofmyfinestParkermoments.Notbyalongshot.

ButlikeIsaid,thisgirlhassomehowthrownmecompletelyoffmygame.Andthatusuallydoesn’t

happentome.Likeever.I'mhopingthebeerwillhelpmegetmymojoback.Liquidcourageor

somethinglikethat.Idon'tevenknowanymore.JustasIopenmymouthtofirebacksomecuttingretort,

shebeatsmetothepunch.

"Listen,thislittlemeetandgreethasbeenreallyfun,butI'vegottotakeoff."

What?

DoesshereallythinkthatI'mjustgoingtoletherwalkawayfromme?

Oh.Hell.No.

Noonecallsmeamanwhore,tomyfacenoless,andthenjustendstheconversation.

Waitaminute...she'salreadygone.

Iblink,againfeelingconfusedbyhowthiswholesituationjustplayedout.Whatthehelljust

happenedhere?Howdidshemanagetoturnthetablessocompletelyonme?She'satleastagoodfive

stepsawayandisgettingfurtherbythesecond.ForjustamomentIfindmyselfdistractedbytheswingof

herslimhipsasshestridestowardsthehousebeforeIhavethegoodsensetotakeoffafterher.

Whothehellisthisgirl?

Idon'tevenknowhername.Itneveroccurredtometoask.I'malsofairlysurethatI'veneverseen

heraroundbefore.Wouldn'tIrememberafacelikethat?Andshewassotiny…likea...a...apixieor

somethingsmallandcutelikethat.Allthatblondehairandcoolgreeneyes.Iwouldhavedefinitely

rememberedseeingsomeonelikeheraround.

Wouldn'tI?

JustasIhittheslidingglassdoors,MarissaSandbergbouncesherwaydirectlyintomypath.Her

longauburncurlstumblearoundhershouldersasshehurtlesherselfintomyarms.She'sdamnluckyI

havequickreflexesorthatlittlegymnasticsstuntwouldhaveleftanuglymark.

"Parker,Iwasjustcomingtofindyou!Andlook,hereyouare!"

Shesquealsthisinformationasiffatehassomehowpropelledherstraightintomywaitingarmswhen

reallythisisasmallishtypehousepartywithaboutfiftyorsopeople,wheretheoddsofhereventually

findingmeareinherfavor.Myeyesdartaroundthedimlylitkitchenandfamilyroomsearchingforthe

blondegirlIspilledbeeron.

No-wait...

Theblondegirlwhoslammedintome,makingmespillmybeeronher.Yes,thefaulttotallylies

withher,notme.Inallactuality,Iwasaninnocentbystanderinallthis.

Now,IjustneedtofindhersoItellherthat.

Marissaclingstomelikeababyrecessmonkey.Luckilyshedoesn'tweighmuchsoI'mstillableto

keeppushingforward.

"Parker,Iamlike,sototallywasted!"

Justasshedissolvesintoafitofgiggles,hernimblefingersstartroamingovermybody.They're

combingthroughmyhair.Strokingovermyface.Slidingundermyshirt.

Jeez.Thischickneedstoseriouslycalmherselfdown.

ButherwordsleavemefeelingfairlyconcernedbecausethelastthingIneedisforMarissatopuke

alloverme.Doingaquickassessment,Isearchhereyes.Hmmm.Shedoesn'treallylookallthatdrunk.

Butthenagain,sheisactingfairlyloudandobnoxioussomaybeshe'stankedafterall.Whocantell?I'll

justhavetothrowheroffmeifitlookslikeallthatbeerisgoingtomakeanunexpectedencore

appearance.

"I'msotiredofthisparty.Let'sgosomewhereelse-justyouandme."Shesmilesupatme.I'msure

theslowcurvingofherlipsissupposedtocomeoffasseductiveandsexybutrightnowitjustlooks

practiced.And,strangelyenough,it'sdoingabsolutelynothingforme.

Honestly,Ijustwantthisgirloffme.Allshe'sdoingisgettinginmyway.I'monamissiontofind

themysterygirlwhomademespillmybeer.

Holdon...squinting,Itiltmyheadtotheleft,thentherighttryingtocatchanotherglimpseofblonde

hairmovingthroughthecrowd.

I'mprettysurethat'sherbythefrontdoor.Iwanttocallout,tostopherfromleaving.Forsomeodd

reasonIwanttofinishourabsurdconversationoutbythekegbuthowcanIdothat?HowcanIcapture

herattentionfromwayoverhere?Therehastobeabouttwentypeoplemillingaroundbetweenus.And

themusicisblasting.Peoplearelaughingandtalking.Icanbarelyhearmyselfthinkoverallthisnoise.

I'mwonderinghowtodetachMarissa-the-barnaclefrommybodywhenherarmssnakearoundmy

neck.Man,thischickiswaystrongerthanshelooks.Justasshe'sdraggingmyfacetohers,Iseeblonde

beergirlturnandlookstraightatme.Iopenmymouthtoyellsomethingather.Somethingthatwillstop

herfromleavingbutMarissaplastersherlipsagainstmine.AllIcandoisholdBeerGirl'seyes.

Shesmirksinreturnasiftosay-see,totalmanwhore.

Andthenthemomentisoverandshe'sgone.

Ican'tbelievethis.

BeerGirlisgone.

Idon'tevenknowhername.

I'mnotsurewhythatbothersme,butitdoes.Andthefactthatitbothersme,bothersmeevenmore.

BecausethisisnotnormalParkerMontgomerybehavior.Thishasdefinitelybeenonebizarreinterlude.

Maybeit'sforthebestthatit'sover.Ireallyneedthingstoslidebacktonormalbecauserightnow,I'm

feelingfairlyunsettled.

"Parker,"Marissakissesmymouthagain,"whyareyoufrowninglikethat?"

Tiredofbeingignored,Marissalaysbothofherpalmsagainstmycheeksbeforesnappingmyface

backtohers.Satisfiedthatshe'sfullyhijackedmyattention,sheaddsinavoicethatsoundssuspiciously

toddler-ish,"Ithoughtyoulikedmykisses."Shegivesmeapoutyfacetogoalongwithherwords.

IcanliterallyfeelmybrowsdrawingtogetherasIstareather.Undernormalcircumstances,Ido

enjoyMarissa'skisses.She'sanexcellentkisser.Definitelyatopteninmybook.Shedoesn'tusetoo

muchsuction.Andshekeepshersalivatoaminimum.Iabsolutelyhatebothofthosethings.Whowants

tofeelasifsomeoneistryingtosuckthetonsilsrightoutoftheirbody?Isureashelldon't.Andfrankly

thethoughtofsomeoneelse'ssalivapoolinginmymouthjustaboutmakesmegag.MaybeI'malittle

particularaboutthewayIlikebeingkissedbutthosetwothingsaretotaldealbreakersforme.

Shefluttersherlongmascaraladenlashesasshecontinuestocooinasoftbabyvoice,"Don'tyou

wanttotakemehometonight?"

Ah,notifshe'sgoingtocontinuetalkinglikethat,Idon't.

Whythehellisshetalkinglikethatanyway?It'satotalturnoff.

Isupposeit'sentirelypossiblethatshehassomekindofspeechissueI'venevernoticedbefore

because...well,let'sfaceit,MarissaandIdon'texactlyengageinatonofverboseconversationswhen

we'retogether.

"Umm,"honestly,I'mnotinthemood.

Shemustsensethatshe'slosingmyinterestbecauseshestartsverygentlynibblingatmylips.

Somethingwithinmeloosens.Actually,alotwithinmeloosens.Okay,nowI'mreallystartingtoenjoy

this.WhatIlikeevenmoreisthatshe'stakingmymindoffBeerGirlandthegiantasshatIjustmadeout

ofmyself.

Nowthis,thisishowmyinteractionswithchicksusuallyendup.Notwhateversadattemptthatwas

outtherebythekeg.Andtheycertainlydon'tcallmeamanwhoreandwalkawayeither.

Thankfullyshe'sstoppedallthatstupidbabytalkandiswhisperingthingsthatarebetterleftunsaidin

apublicforumsuchasthis.Givingin,becauseI'mnotmadeofstoneafterall(well,maybeonepartof

meis)Ifinallywrapmyarmsaroundher.Ifeelthesmileofsatisfactioncurveherlipsupwardasshe

continueslickingandnippingatmymouth.

Ahhh,thatfeelssogood.

"Areyoureadytogetoutofhere,Parker?BecauseIam."

ForsomereasonmyeyesstrayonelasttimetothefrontdoorbeforereturningtoMarissa.

I’mnotgoingtolie,thishaskindofbeenaweirdnightforme.So,yeah,I'mdefinitelyreadytogo.

AbouttheAuthor

JennifercurrentlylivesinMichiganwithherhusband,kids,adognamedRockyandakittennamed

Lily.AfterpursuingaBachelor’sDegreeinHistoryfromtheUniversityofWisconsin-Milwaukee,a

Master’sDegreeinEducationalPsychologyalsofromtheUniversityofWisconsin-Milwaukee,shespent

fiveyearsworkingasahighschoolguidancecounselorwhichshelovedbeforemovingoutofstatewith

[e-mail]ebook-

https://

www.facebook.com/jennifer.sucevic

(wordofwarning-thispageisjustgettingupandrunning!)or

checkherouton

Wattpad-https://www.wattpad.com/user/jsucevic

.