FRACTURED Heart

SiennaGrant

SYNOPSIS

Wehaditall.

Abeautifulmarriage,anicehouseandababyontheway.

Whatcouldgowrong?

Everything…that’swhatwentwrong.

Ilosther.

Idon’tknowhowtogoon.I’mstuckinaworldofgriefwith

onlymylittlegirltosaveme.

Ivowedtoneverloveagain.

Noonewouldevertakeherplacebutwhathappenswhen

someonebreaksdownyourdefencesandrepairsyourheartone

smallcrackatatime?

“Aninvisibleredthreadconnectsthosewhoaredestinedto

meet,regardlessoftime,placeandcircumstance.

Thethreadmaystretchortangle,butwillneverbreak.”

~AnAncientChinesebelief.

PROLOGUE

“What’s

goingon?What’shappening?”Ishoutout.

“We’relosingher.Weneedtogetthisbabyoutnow!”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iyellbutnoonehearsme.Ibringherhandtomylips.Thetight

gripshehad,hadonmehasloosenedandherhandisfloppyinmine.Adoctorispressing
downonherchestbutthelineonthemonitordoesn’tchangeandthesoundisdeafening.
“Vic?”Ishout.Thedoctorstopsthecompressionsonherchestandlookstohisfeet,with
hishandonhiships.

“It’sagirl.”Amidwifeshoutsout.Ilookacrosstoseeababybeingliftedintotheair.I

lookbackatmywifelyingthere,lifeless.I’mnumb.Everythingmovesinslowmotion,in
atypeofhaze.Lookingbackupatthedoctor,Icomebacktomyself.“Youhavetosave
her!”

Ilookbetweenthedoctorandthemidwives.“Whyaren’tyoudoinganything,help

her!”

“MrBates.I’mafraidshe’sgone.I’msosorry.”

“What…Idon’tunderstand.Howcanshebegone?”Ilookbackatherbeautifulface.

TearsbuildupinmyeyesasIstrokehersoftface.SomethingI’vealwaysdone.“Vic.You
can’tleaveme.HowamIgoingtocopealone?Pleasewakeup,Vic.”
“Owen.”Idon’ttakemyeyesawayfromher.“MrBates,weneedyoutoholdyourbaby.”
ItearmyeyesfromVictoria.MyVictoria,mylove,mywife.Ilookatthemidwife
holdingmydaughter.Theresultofourlove,ababywecreated.She’scrying.Ahigh-
pitchedwail.IlookbackdownatVic.She’speaceful.Lookingbackbetweenourdaughter
andher,IrealiseIhavetopullmyselftogether.

She’snotcomingback.Ourbabyiscryingandsheneedsme.

“Owen?”Wipingawaythewetnessthat’spooledinmyeyes,Itakehernumblyfrom

themidwife,swaddledupinatowelandlieheragainstmychest.Holdinghertightly
againstme-shestopscryinginstantly.Usingthebackofmyfingers,Istrokeacrossher
skin,herhandfindsitswayoutofthetowelandgrabsontomyfinger,clutchingtightly.

Thetearsthathavestartedtopoolagainaretrackingtheirwaydownmycheeks.Ikiss

herforeheadlightly.“Youdon’tevenhaveanamedoyou.”Wedidn’tchoosenames,we
saidweweregoingtochoosewhenhe/shegothere.WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow.

Lookingtothemidwife,“Canyoutakeher.IjustwantafewminuteswithVictoria.”

“Ofcourse.I’llgocleanherup,takeaslongasyouneed.”

Pullingthechairacross,Isitdownwithaloudsigh.MychintremblesasItakeher

hand.She’sstillwarm,anyminutenowIthinkhereyelidsaregoingtoflutteropenthe
waytheydoonamorningwhenIwakeher,showingmethosebrightblueseyes.Ikissher
lips-nothing.“WehaveagirlVic,justwhatyouwanted.Abeautifullittlegirljustlike
hermummy.”Ikissherhand.“HowamIgoingtodothisonmyown,itwasn’tsupposed
tobelikethisbaby.Weweresupposedtodothistogether.Thisiswhatwealways
wanted.”AshudderracksthroughmybodyasIsobintoherhand,thetearsrunningfreely.
Standingupfromthechair,Ilookdownonmywife.Mybeautifulwife,IrealiseI’mall
ourdaughterhasnow.Bendingoverher,Ikissherforeheadthenherlipsagain.“Sleep
nowangel.”Ateardropsontohercheek,Iwipeitawaygently,sitbackinthechairand
restmyheadonthebedatthesideofher.

“Owen.”Ahandtouchesmyshoulder.Iopenmyeyestoanursehoveringoverme.My

gazeslidesacrosstothebed.Myheartbreaksforasecondtime.“I’msorrytowakeyou
butyourdaughterneedsafeed,wethoughtyoumayliketogiveher,herfirstbottle?”

“Ican’tleaveher.Ican’tleaveVic.She’llbealone.”

“Shewon’t,Ipromise.Someonewillbeherebutyourdaughterneedsyoutoo.”

Nodding,IkissherhandthenIleanacrossandkisshercheek.“I’llbebacksoon.”

Themidwifelooksatmewithunshedtears,fullofsympathy.Sheplacesasympathetic

handatmybackandguidesmefromtheroom.BeforeIleavethroughdoorshe’sholding
open,IglancebackatVictoria.IwanttoseehersmileagainbutI’mnevergoingtoseeit
again.

Enteringthenurserywiththemidwife,shetakesmetomydaughter.Lookingdownat

thewrigglingbabyinthecot,asmallsmileformsatthesideofmymouth.Ilookatthe
nameonthefrom‘BabyBates’girl.6lb13oz.Iwatchthemidwifetakeheroutofthecot
andlifther,withanodofherheadIopenmyarmsassheplacesherinthem.Ilookdown,
hereyesareclosed.Themidwifepullsachairoverforme,Isitdown.Shehandsmethe
bottleofmilk…

“I’llgiveyousomespace.”Iwatchherwalkfromtheroom.Thedoorclosesbehind

her,it’sthenIstarttorealiseit’sjustus.Meandmybabygirl.Iplacetheteatinhermouth
butshespitsitbackout.Hereyesslowlyopen,herbabybluesstarebackatme.“Hey
babygirl.I’myourdaddy.”Ateartricklesdownmyface,“Ipromiseyounoonewillever
hurtyou.I’mgoingtocherishyou,loveyouwithallmyheartandIpromiseI’llnever
leaveyou.”Sheblinksasmoretearsrundownmycheeks.“Iloveyou.Iknowyour
mummydidtoobutit’sjustusnow.IpromiseyouI’lltrynottoscrewup.”Iplaceakiss
onherforeheadandinhaleherscent.

Mybaby.Mydaughter.Mylife!

CHAPTERONE

Owen

Putting

thekeyintothefrontdoor,Istepoverthethresholdwithournewestedition

bundledintothecarseat,butthere’sonethingmissing.Animportantpieceofthefamily
jigsaw.

Mywife.

Ican’tfunction.I’mlikearobot.

Whilewewereinthehospitalthemidwiveshadtakenovertohelp.Theyweregreat.

Theyshowedmehowtochangeanappyandhowtobatheher,whenIcouldn’tsleepat
nighttheytookhertothenursery-onlyIdidn’tsleep.Istayedawakeforallbutmaybean
hourandthoughtaboutVictoria.Icouldhearhervoice,smellhersweetheavenlyscent,
thatsmellalonemademefeellikeshewasrightherewithme.EventuallyI’dendup
walkingtothenurseryandholdingmybaby.CuddlinghertomychestjustsoVictoriawas
neartome-thatwaswhenIsleptuntilshewokeupforafeed.

Istilldon’tknowwhathappened.Thedoctorisperformingapostmortemtofindout.

InonewayIwanttoknow,inanotherIdon’t.Whatifit’ssomethinggenetic,whatifour
babyhasthecondition.WhatifIlosehertoo?Somanywhatif’s.

LookingaroundtheroomallIcanseeisher.Herpictures.EventhedecorisVic.I

placethecarseatonthesofawith…shit,shestillhasn’tgotaname.Ihaven’tbeenableto
bringmyselftodoit.I’msuchabadperson.Mydaughterhasbeeninthisworldforthree
daysandshestilldoesn’thaveaname.

Thehouseisintheexactsamestateasweleftit.Hershoesarebythefireplace,her

cardiganthatshewearswhenshegetscoldisflungoverthebackofthefurniture.Imake
surethecarseatissturdybeforeIenterthekitchen.

There’stwocupsandplatesinthesinkfromtheothermorning.Wehadteaandtoastas

wealwaysdidbeforework.Sheshouldhavebeenonmaternityleavebutworkwasbusy.
She’san-was,aninteriordesigner.Shewenttoworkonthepromiseshewouldn’tdo
much.Shewasoutofbreathandkepthavingdizzyspells,Itoldhernottogobutasever
whatdoIknow.

“Sweetheart,maybeyoushouldn’tgo.I’msuretheycandowithoutyou.”

“Owen,it’smyclient.IpromiseIwon’tdoanythingI’mnotsupposedtoo.”

“Ifyoufeelillanymore,youcomehome,okay.”

“Ipromise.”Leaninguponhertiptoesshekissesme.“AcoupleofhoursIpromise.”

“Okaythen.Ijustworryaboutyouthat’sall.”

Shegazesintomyeyes.AsIkisshermyhandsrestonherbelly,smoothingthe

roundnessofitwithmypalms.“Youonlyhaveacoupleofweeksleft,Idon’twantyou
stressedout.”

“Iknowandhonestly,I’lltellthemtodaythisisthelasttime.”

Acrybreaksmeoutofmydazefromthatmorning,ifonlyI’dknownIwasn’tgoingto

seeheragainIwouldhavemadeherstayhome.

Iwalkbacktothelivingroomandtakeherfromherseat,Iholdherinmyarmsand

instantlyshecalmsasmyphoneringsinmypocket.Manoeuvringitoutfrommypocket
whileIholdmydaughterinmyarms,Iseeit’smymother.

SlidingacrossthescreenIliftittomyear.

“HelloMum,”

“Areyouathomedarling?

“Yeahwearenow.”

“Doyouwantmetocomeround?Icouldhelpyou.”

“No,we’regood.Thankyouthough.”

“Sweetheart,youdon’thavetodothisbyyourself,we’rehereforyouboth.”

“MumI’mfine,really.IfIneedhelp…thenI’llaskforit.Ihavetogo.”

“Okay.Loveyou.”

Islipmyphoneinmypocketwithasighandlookdownatmybaby.Sittingdownwith

herinmyarms,herheadliesinthecrookofmyelbowasshewriggles.Iloosenthe
blanketaroundhertohavesomefreedomthensheclutchesmyfingeragain,herotherfist
goestomouthandsucksonitsoI’mguessingshe’shungry.Igrabthebottlethatthe
hospitalgavemebeforeIleftandplacetheteatbetweenherlips,withinsecondsshe’s
latchedanddrinking.“Heybeautiful,whatamIgoingtonameyouhuh?Theemotiongets
toomuchformeandtearsfillmyeyes,withoutstoppingthem,theytrackdownmyface
asshelooksupatmewithherbigblueeyes.IwantVictoria,no,it’snotacaseofwant,
it’sacaseofneed.

Ican’tdothisalone.

Unlatchingmyfingerfromhertinyhand,Istrokethebackofmyfingerdownherface

softly.“Ella.EllaVictoriaBates.That’syourname.”Wewentthroughathousandnames
thatwedidn’tthinkwererightatthetime,but….lookingathernow,IthinkEllafits.It
wasactuallyoneofVic’snamesanyway,Ithinkshe’dbeokaywiththat.

MyfreehandwipesthetearsawayfrommyeyesasEllaspitsoutherbottle.Sittingher

upIplaceheragainstmyshoulderandrubherbackuntilsheburps,thinkingshe’s
finishedImoveherbutthewetpatchonmyshirttellsmeshehadn’t.“Thanks.”Asad
smilepullsatmylips,IkissherheadthenlieheronmylegswhileItakemyshirtoff.Her
legskickandherarmswavearoundhappily.OncemyshirtisoffandthrowntothefloorI
pickherupandlieheragainstmybarechest.ThemidwivessuggestedthatIhaveasmuch
skintoskincontactasIcouldtogetherusedtome.Imovetheseattothefloorandswing
aroundtoliedown.Herwarmcheekliesagainstmyskinandwithinminuteswe’reboth
sleeping.

“Ican’twaituntilthebaby’shere,”IsayasmycheekrestsagainstVic’sbump.Vic

strokesmyhair.Ifeelakickagainstmycheek.Imovemyheadandlookupathersmiling
wide.“We’regoingtobetheperfectfamily.You,meandourbaby.”

“Iloveyou.”

Myeyesspringopen.Shit,itwasadream.Itseemedsoreal.Lookingaroundtheroom,

everythingisstillthesameandEllahasn’tmoved-she’sstilllyinginthesafetyofmy
arms.Myphonepingswithamessage,Itakeitfrommypocketandseeit’sMum,again.
Insteadofopeninghermessage,Ipoweroffmyphone.IknowshemeanswellbutIdon’t
needherfaffingaroundmeandwalkingoneggshellsnotknowingwhattosay,soinsteadI
won’tspeaktoher,oranyone.

WhileEllawasstillinthehospitalthemidwiveshadtoshowmehowtoholdherinthe

bath.Oncethewaterwasattherighttemperature,Istripheroffandlowerherintothein,
rememberinghowtheyshowedmedoesn’thelpmattersbecauseshecriesalltheway
through.ItrytomaketheexperienceasquickasIcanforherthenwhenshe’sdoneIrest
heragainstmychest,wrapherinthetowelandsoothehercries.“Shh,it’sallovernow.”

Afterthetraumaticbathexperience,Idressherinanewbabygro,giveherafeedand

windher.Isittherockingchairwithher,holdingherinmyarmsandgentlyrockherto
sleep.IfeelbetterwhenIhaveherclosetomelikethis,theclosersheis-thecloserVic
is…Seeingaswedidn’tknowthesex,wejustboughtwhitebedding,furnitureand
paintedthenurseryinlemonandwhite.

Onceshe’ssoundasleep,Ilayherinthecribweboughtforher,thentrytotidyupthe

houseandwashthedishesinthesink,buteventhatprovestoohard.Runningthewater
untilit’shot,Iroboticallysquirtsomewashingupliquidinthesinkandputtheplugin.
Werarelyusedthedishwasher,withonlybeingthetwoofusitwasn’tworthitunlessof
coursewehadguests.Isqueezethespongeinthewaterbeforeliftingacup-hercup.
Beforeputtingthespongein,Iliftit,Ican’tdoit.IlookatitandIcanseehersitting,
drinkinghermorningcupoftea,she’shappyandsmiling.Asplashinthewaterbreaksme
frommynumbstateasthecupdropsfrommyhandsbackintothewateralongwiththe

sponge.Ilookdownbutstepfromthesink.Iwipemyhandsonmytrousersandwalk
backtothelivingroom.

Leavingtheroom,thewayitis,Iheadupstairstobed.

Mylifeisover.

IdropdownonthebedstaringatElla,thetearsrunfreelydownmycheeks…

IgrabVic’spillowandhugittome,keepingherclosetome,Icanstillsmellher

strawberryscentonthepillow.Lyingdown,Icryformywife.IcryformybabyandIcry
becauseIdon’tknowhowthehellI’mgoingtosurvivewithouther.Mylifeislikeabig
blackholeatthemomentandtheonlylightIhaveismydaughter.

WhereisthelightattheofthetunnelthatpeoplealwaystalkaboutbecauseIcan’tsee

one.

“Owen,quick.”

“I’mawake.What’sup?”

“Givemeyourhand.”Iholditforherandsheplacesitonherbump.

“OhGod.Isthatthebaby?”

“Yes.”shelaughs.“Ofcourse,it’sthebaby.”

“Itkicked…”

“That’sourbaby.Ithinkit’sgoingtobeafootballer.”

“I’mnotbotheredwhetherit’safootballeroradancer.”Isaykissingherlips.

“I’dlovealittledancer.”Shesays.

I’mstillinthesamepositionIwenttosleepin,holdingontothepillowastightlyasI

canthough.Idon’twanttoletgoofit.Acrycomesfromthecribatthesideofme.
Listeningtohercryforafewminutes,thewailgetslouder…whatareyoudoingyou
moron?Seetoyourdaughter!Sheneedsyou!

Fuck.Istandfromthebedandliftherfromthecrib,placingheragainstmychest,I

sootheherandbounceherlightlyuntilshebeginstocalm.HowcouldIlethercrylike
that?

Flickingtheswitchforthekettle,Iboilthewaterandpreparemycuptomakecoffee

thengetanemptyjugfromthecupboard.IplaceEllabackinhercarseatwhiledowhatI
needto.Pouringsomewaterintomycup,Ileaveitblackthenpoursomeintothejug,
placingtheready-madebottleofmilkinsideittoheatthrough.

Walkingbackintothelivingroom,Iplacethejugandmycupdownonthetableand

pickupEllaagain.“I’msorry.Ipromise,I’lldomybest,justbearwithme.I’mnewtoall
this.”Mylipspresssoftlytoherforeheadinakiss.“You’regoingtobeourlittledancer
aren’tyou.”Ikissherforeheadagainbeforetestingthetemperaturelikethemidwives
showedmeandplacetheteatatherlipstofeedher.Igrabthephotothatsitsontheside
tableofuswhenwegotmarriedandplaceitatthesideofEllaandme.

“Owen.Wakeupsweetheart.”

Igroan.“Owen.Youneedtowakeup.”FeelingEllabeingtakenfromme,Iopenmy

eyes.

“Whatareyoudoing?Giveherbacktome.”

“Nope.Wakeup.Here’ssomecoffee.”

OpeningmyeyesfullyIseemyMumholdingherGranddaughter.“Mum,IthoughtI

toldyouIwasokay?!”

“Yeahyoulookit.It’samother’sintuition,Iknowyou’renot.”Hersadeyescutme,

shecupsmyunshavencheekinherhand.“Lookatyou,whenwasthelasttimeyou
showered,shaved?”

Rollingmyeyesather,“MeetEllaVictoria.”IintroduceherasIdragmystiffand

wearybodyfromthecouchandkisshercheek.

“Ella.Oh,Owenthat’sbeautiful.Victoriawouldlovethatname.”Hearinghername

fromsomeoneelse’slipsmakemerealiseshe’snothere.EverytimeI’vegonetosleep
I’vedreamtabouther.Ican’tclosemyeyeswithoutseeingherfaceorhearingorvoice.I
can’tsayhernamewithoutmyownheartstopping.IfIcouldI’dlockeveryoneoutand
liveinmyownworldwhereit’sjustmeandmybabygirl.Idon’tneedanyone,Ijustneed
Vicbackwithme.Ineedhertotellmewe’regoingtobefine-thatI’mnotgoingto
suffocateinmyowngriefwithouther,butshecan’t.I’maloneandnoamountofdreams
orhopearegoingtochangethat.

“Owen…?”Mumsaysinaloudervoice.

“What?”Isnapasshedragsmefromoutofmyshatteringthoughts.

“Isaid,gotakeashowerandcleanyourselfup.I’lllookafterEllaandtidyupdown

hereabit.”

“Youdon’tmind?”

“GO.”ShesayspointedlyasIwrapmyarmaroundhershoulders.“Ugh.Youstink.”I

kissherandElla,thentakemyarseupthestairsanddoasI’mtoldandshower.

CHAPTERTWO

Owen

Threeweekslater.

Watching

themlowerherbodyintothegroundisthemostsoulbreakingthingI’ve

everhadtodo.MumisholdingEllaasmyDadisstandingatthesideofmewithhisarm
aroundmyshoulder.I’vetriedsohardtobestrongforElla,butIcan’tdoitanymore.My
hearthasbeenshatteredintoamillionpiecesandisbeingburiedalongwithVictoria.My
resistancehasgone,it’sbroken.

HoldingthedirtinonehandandthesingleredroseintheotherIwalktowardsthe

opengrave.Theoakcoffinliesdownthereatthebottom.Ihearthewordsfromthe
minister,Ashestoashes,dusttodust.Openingmyclenchedfist,thedirtfallsfrommy
handandIstareasitdropsontothecoffin.“Iloveyou,Vic.Ialwayswill.I’llneverforget
you.”Myvoicecracks,Ialmostcan’tsayitatallasthelumpthatsitstheretakesupthe
wholespaceupinmythroat,Iswallowhardthentakeastepback.Mumstandsbesideme
anddoesthesamewithahandfulofdirtandarosefromElla.Itlandsnexttominelikeit
wassupposedtobe.Liftingmyfingerstomylips,Iblowherakiss.

Theservicefinishesandthepeoplewhohavecometopaytheirrespects,comeand

eitherkissmycheekorshakemyhand,afewjusthugme.Itrytobestrongbutit’s
useless,insteadIdroptomykneesandcry.

Idon’tremembertheleavingthechurch,Idon’trememberthewake.IknowmyMum

heldthewakeatherhouseandIremembertherebeingpeopleeverywherebutthat’sit.

“Mum,canyoulookafterEllaforawhile?Ineedaliedown.Allthesepeople…Ijust

can’tbehere.”

“Goonson.It’sfine.IthinkRachelisokaywithEllaandwe’rehereanyway.”Ilook

overatRachel,Victoria’sMum,andsmilesadlyseeingherwithherGranddaughter.

“Thanks.”Kissinghercheek,Islipfromtheroombeforeanyonecanseemeleave.

Lyingonthebed,theconversationIhadwiththecoronercomesbacktome.

“MrBates,yourwifehadaheartattack.”

“Butshewas26.Shecouldn’thavedone…”

“Mytestshaveconfirmeditwasamassiveheartattack.I’mreleasingyourwife’sbody

tothechapelofrestandyoucanburyhernow.I’msosorryforyourloss.”

“Thanks.”

Idon’trealiseI’mcryinguntilIfeelthewetpatchonthepillowbeneathmycheek,my

loudsobsechoaroundtheroomasIletoutthehurt,thesadness.

Lightshinesintheroomfromtheopendoor.Twoarmswraparoundme…

“Owen.Sweetheart,I’msosorry.Comehere.”

IshiftmyweighttowardsmyMumandputmyarmsaroundhermiddleasIcryinto

herlapandpoureverythingoutofme.AfterMumleavestheroom,Iliestill,everypartof
mybodyisnumbed,myheartanemptyvessel.

Oneyearlater.

IpushopenthegateandwalkthroughitwithEllainherpushchair,strollingalongthe
pathcasually,whileEllapointsatthingsinfrontofheraswewalktohermummy’sgrave.

Whenwereachit,Iputthebrakeonthepushchair,takeEllaoutandsitatthesidewith

heronmylap.

It’sthefirstanniversaryofVictoria’sdeathandElla’sfirstbirthday,it’sbeenoneof

thehardesttimesofmylife.IfIhadn’tgotEllaI’dhaveboughtabottleofJackDaniels,
drankmyselfintooblivionandnotventuredoutofmycocoon.Ihadoffersfromboth
parentsiftheycouldtakeherbutIwouldn’tletthem.Afterthefuneral,Ithrewmyself
intobeingaDadtoElla,agoodDad.Ishovedasidemyfeelings,myemotion,myhurt
andconcentratedonher.

InsteadIcriedatnight,wherenoonecouldseeorhearme.

Iwentbacktoworkafteraroundthreemonths.AssoonasEllawentdownatnightI’d

pourashotofJDandknockitbackjusttohelpmesleep…Iwantedonenightwhere
Victoriadidn’tswampmewithhersoftvoiceandherstunninglooksandownmydreams.

Ididn’twanttodreamanymore.Icouldn’tcopewiththenever-endingmemories.

Afterspendinganhouratthecemetery,Idecideit’stimetoleave.Iwanttospend

sometimewithherforherbirthdayeventhoughsheprobablywon’trememberit.Ilift
Ellafrommylapafterwipingthewetnessfrommyfaceandturnhertofaceme.

Isinghappybirthdaytoherandbounceheronmylap.Shegigglesasshebounces,

makingmesmilereluctantly.Ilookatthegravestone,feelingsubduedagain.“She’sgot
youreyesVicandtheshapeofyourface.”Ella’spalmcoversmymouthasIspeaksoI
kissit.Shechuckles,soIdoitagain.“Ohbaby,Iwishyouwerehere.Idon’thaveaclue
whatI’mdoing.WhatifIgetallthiswrong?I’ddoanythingtohaveyouback.”Kissing
Ella’scheek,thetearsrollslowlydownmycheeks.IstandwithEllainmyarms.“Blow
Mummyakiss.”Iplaceherhandagainstmouthandpullherhandaway.Shesmiles.Her
facelightsupjustVictoria’susedto.

“IloveyouVic.Foreverandalways.”

IkeepEllaclosetomeandwalkbacktothecar.

LaterthatnightIdon’tputEllatobed,Ilaywithheronthecouch,keepinghercloseto

methenlightacandleforVictoriaandoneforElla.Isinghappybirthdayagainandthen
blowouthercandle.

IsitinthedarknesslongafterVictoria’scandlehasburntoutandremembermywife.I

pictureherwithElla,howtheywouldlooktogether,howVicwouldlookatherand
nurtureher.

Wewererobbedofalifetogether-asafamily.IlookdownatEllasleepingonmy

chestandrealisesheisallIhave,allthatIhaveleftofmywife-butwealsohavea
specialbondthatnoonewilleverbreak.

Imaycloseofftherestofmyheartbutsheholdsapieceofithertinyhands.

CHAPTERTHREE

Owen

Threeyearslater.

“Ella

sweetheart,youcan’twearthattoschool.”

“But,Daddy.Peeeaaasssse.”Shebegs.Myfour-year-olddaughteriscurrentlydancing

aroundtheroominaprincessdresspretendingshe’sBellefromBeautyandtheBeast.
“ButIlookbootiful.”Ilaughatthefrownresidingonherface.

Holdingmyarmsoutforhertojumpinto,Iholdherclosetome.“Ofcourse,youlook

beautiful,butifyouwearthisdressit’llgetruinedandthenyouwon’tbeabletobeBelle
ifyouruinit.”Shelooksatme,steadilycontemplatingwhatI’vesaid…

“Hmm,”herfingertapsherchin,“okayden,Daddy.”

“That’sagoodgirl,nowgoandgetchanged,otherwisewe’llbebothbelate.”Assoon

asherfeettouchthefloorsherunsbacktoherbedroom.

Sittingdownwithmycoffee,IwaitforEllatogetchanged.Idon’tknowwherethelast

fouryearshavegone,they’veflewbywaytooquickly.Ithasn’tgotanyeasierthough.
EveryyearwhenElla’sbirthdaycomesaroundit’salwaystingedwithsadness.Itryto
makeitgoodforherbythrowingherapartyeveryyear,justasmallonewithfamilybut
everyyearIdothesame.EllaliesdownstairswithmewhilewelighttwocandlesandI
tellheralittlebitmoreaboutthepersonthatshe’llneverhavethechanceofknowing.

EllarunsbackintheroombeforeIgettoolostinmymemories.“That’sbetter.”Itell

her.Shecomesindressedinapairofjeansandat-shirt.Sheveryrarelywearsjeansinall
honestybutwe’relateandneedtogetgoing,it’sprobablytheonlythingclean;Idon’t
thinkI’vestillquitethehangofthishousewifething.

Ibrushherblondehairandplaceitinaponytail.It’samazingwhatyoulearnwhen

you’retheonlyone.Don’tgetmewrong,MumandRachelareahugehelptomebut
they’renotherefirstthingonamorningsoIhadtotakeonMummydutiesaswellas
Daddyduties.

“Haveyougoteverythinginyourbag?”

“Yep.”Shesayspoppingthe‘p’attheend.”Igrabherbag,makesureherpacked

lunchisinsideandgrabmybriefcase.Ifastenherintohercarseatinthebackandsitin
theusualmorningtraffic.Iwishtherewasanotherwayaroundbutthereisn’tnotatthis
timeinthemorninganyway,sothenormalten-minutejourneyturnsintohalfanhour.

MyeyesappraiseherasIlookbackovermyshoulderather,she’swatchingoutofthe

window,takingeverythingin.She’ssuchafastlearnerandlookssomuchlikeherMum.I
thoughtshewouldhavedarkhairlikeme,ittooksolongtochangecolour,butshehas
moreofherMum’scolouring;whereshewasblonde,Ella’shairismoreofahoneyshade.
Shehasthesamebrightblueeyestoo,theyremindmeoftheskyonacleardaysoevery

timeIlookintothemIcanseeVic.Thelumpinmythroatbeginstogrowthinkingabout
her,Iswallowitdowninsteadandblowoutashakybreath.

Finallypullinguptothedaynursery,Itakeherinside,tellherI’llseeherlater,then

kissher.Sheflingsherarmsaroundmyneck,Istandwithherinmyarmsasherlegswrap
aroundmyhips.“Loveyou,daddy.”Sheclingsontomenotwantingtoletgo.

“Iloveyoutoosweetheart.Amilliontimesover.”Shesqueezesmetightly.“Comeon

now,Ihavetogo.”Iplaceherfeetonthefloorandstandagain.“Daddyseeyoulater.”

“ByeDaddy.”Iwatchherrunhappilytotheotherchildren,notseeingthestruggleI’m

havinginside.She’ssuchahappychild,butI’mscaredmysadnesswillruboffonher.I
trynottobesadaroundherbutsomedaysIjustcan’thelpit.

“I’llbeherearoundfouro’clocktopickherup.”

“Yeahthat’sfine,MrBates.”saysthenurseryteacher.Itakeonemorelookatmylittle

girlthenturnawayandwalkbacktomycar.OnceinsideIrestmyheadonthebackofthe
seatandclosemyeyesforasecond,thendrivetowork.

BeforeIwalkthroughmyofficedoorIstop,“Jenny,doIhaveanymessages?”

“Morning.They’reonyourdesk,I’llgetyousomecoffee.”Withagentlesmile,she

walksaway.JennywasmyPAbeforemyworldcamecrashingdownonme,sheknows
everything,sheknowshowmuchIstruggledaytodaywithmygriefstillandI’mso
happytohaveher.Ientermyofficeandsitdownwithasigh.

Jennyenterswithmymugofsteamingblackcoffeeandplacesitonmydesk.“DidElla

goinalrightthismorning?”

“Yeah,shewasfine,it’sme.Itgetshardereverydaytoseehergo,Iknowoneday

she’llgowithoutevenahug…”

“Idoubtthatwillhappen,you’reherprincecharming.”LookingatJenny,Iknowshe’s

right,everydayIgetabighugandakissbeforesheleavesme-it’sasifsheknowsIneed
them.Whenshe’snotatnursery,everynowandthenIbringherhere,shelovescoming
intotheofficewithme.IfIhaveappointmentsshesitsoutsidewithJennyandplayswith
herdollsoronherhandheldgameorofcourseonmyiPhone.

Irunmyownbusiness,I’mafinancialadvisor,Iknow…boring.Itpaysthebills…

just,andkeepsusafloat.IhadthreemonthsoffwhenVicdied,Icouldn’tfunctionwith
dailylifenevermindcomingtowork.Inearlylosteverythinguntilmymothergavemea
swiftkickupthearse,toldmeitwasn’thealthybeingstuckinthehouseandshuttingthe
worldout.IdecidedthenitwastimetotryandpullmyselftogetheratleastforElla’ssake
anyway.Icamebacktoworkandrangallmyclientspersonally;apologisedformy
absenceandtoldthemIwasreadytoworkagain.Luckily,theystuckwithme.

Oncehalfpastthreerollsaround,I’moutofhere.Ellastartsdancetoday,it’llbeona

MondayandThursday,Ithink.ItrytotakehereverywheremyselfasmuchasIcan.To
sayI’mindependentisanunderstatement-butsometimesthere’snogettingoutofa
meetingifaclientneedsalateappointment,butIliketohaveherwithme.Itrytobeas
flexibleasIcan,thatwaymyclientsknowI’mthereforthemwhentheyneedmetobe.
AllmyfreetimegetsdevotedtoElla,theyknowthatfromwhenwesignacontractand
theyaskmetoworkforthem.

“Jenny,I’mgoing.Ifthere’snotmuchtodothencloseupandhavetherestoftheday

off.”

“I’vegotabitoffilingtodosoI’lldothatfirstsavesmedoingittomorrow,you’vegot

abusierdaytomorrowthough.”

“Okay.ThanksJenny.”

“AnytimeOwen.Givetheprincessakissforme.”

Ilaugh.“Willdo.”

WhenIarriveatthedaynurseryIparkupandgoin.Ellaseesmeandrunsstraightinto

myarms.“Dadddyyy!”

“Youreadyfordanceclass…”

“Yesssss.”

“Comeonthen.Saybyefirst.”

“Byyeeee.I’mgoingtobeadancer.It’smyfirsttime.”Ella’seyesgowideasshetells

herteacher.

“Wow!You’regoingtobeamazing.”Thenurserynursesaystoherfillingherwith

moreexcitement.Shestartsschoolinafewmonthsandthatwillbetheendofpickingher
upmyselfsoIwanttomakethemostofit.Mylipspullintoasmileatherenthusiasm.Vic
alwayswantedadancer…Nothere,notnow.

“Let’sgothenbeautiful.”Ipickherupandcarryherout.Shewavesfranticallyand

tellsthemshe’llseethemtomorrow.

Istrapherintothecarseatandwe’reontheway.

WhenwereachthestudioItakeherin,there’sgirlsinhere,aroundsixofthem,I’m

notsurewhatagesheteachesupto.Iseetheteacherstandingofftotheside,she’syoung,
wellyoungerthanme.Sheseesuswalkinandstartswalkingtowardsus.ThefirstthingI
noticeisherlongdarkhair,IsquatdowntoElla.“Youokaysweetheart?”

“Yes,Daddy.CanIgetchangedpeeeaaasse?”Ipullherleggingsandatshirtoutofher

princessrucksackandmoveusintothecornersoshecanchangeherclothes.

“Icandothatifyoulike?”Ilookaroundtoseetheyoungteacherstandingoverus.

“Um,noit’sfine.Thankyou.”IturnbacktoEllaasshe’sfightingwithhert-shirt.I

pullitoverherheadanditpullshalfofherhairoutofthebobblewithit.GreatlikeIjust
loveputtinghairup.“Comeheresweetheart.”Iplacehersocksinsidehershoesandput
theminherbag.Ibrushthroughherhair,Itrytobunchituptogetheranditslipsthrough
myfingers.Herhairissilkysoftanddoesn’twanttoco-operate.Seeingmegetting
agitatedwithittheteacherstepsforwardagain.

“Youlooklikeyou’rehavingproblems.”

“Ugh,yeahalittle,I’mnotthebestatthis.”

“I’mGraceEastman.”Sheholdsherhandout.IshakeitasshecrouchesdowntoElla’s

height,“andwhoareyou?”

“MynameisEllaandIwanttobeadancer.”

“Wellyou’vecometotherightplacethen.”Ella’sfacelightsupwithabeamingsmile.

“DoyouwanttojointheothersElla?”Shenodsexcitedly.Sherunsofftotheothergirls.
Ifthere’sonethingaboutEllashemixeswithotherswellsoIdon’tworryabouther.

I’mOwenBates,asyouknowthat’sElla.IsthereanywhereIcangetacupofcoffee?”

Sheshakesmyhand.“Yeah,there’samachinejustoutsidetheroomandthere’sa

viewingroomupstairsifyouwanttowatch,itstopsthegirlsfrombeingdistracted
especiallythelittleones.”

“Okay.Thanks.”Ismile.Igrabherbagandwalkbacktowardsthevendingmachine.I

walkupthestairstotheviewingroomandtakeaseatbythewindowsoIcansee
everything.Thisplaceisfilledwithwomen,I’mtheonlyman.

ThethingsIdoformydaughter.

Ihopethehourgoesquickbecausethewaythey’relookingatmeIthinkImayget

eatenalive.I’malittlescared…Iignorethestares,nodpolitely,grin,thenwatchmybaby
smilewideanddowhatmakesherhappy.

CHAPTERFOUR

Grace

Ihaveonepassion-it’sdancing.Itwastheonethingthatmyparentsblessedmewith

andtheonethingIgetjoyoutofasacareertoo.Ialwayswantedtobeateacher.Iloveto
seethejoyonthegirlsfaceswhentheymanageatwirloramovethattheyhaven’t
completelygrasped.Iteachalldance,ballet,tap,discoandcontemporary.Withthelittle
ones,Itendtomixitallinthelessontoseewhichonetheylikethemost.

Igetthestudioreadyformyclasstoturnup,I’lladmitsomeofthechildrenthatcome

here,theirheartsaren’treallyintoitandit’sprobablytheirparentsmakingthemdoit,
whichisn’tfaironthembutit’snotformetosay…

Iwatchthemaninthesuitwalkaway.Shit,he’shot.He’sgotthatswaggerdowntoa

perfectform.It’slikehedoesn’tevenknowhowsexyheis.Thebrushinmyhand
remindsmeIhavetoputupElla’shair.Itakethesilkystrandsinmyhandandbrushit
throughandputabobbleintomakeaponytail,thentakemyelasticfrommyotherwrist,
twistherponytailtomakeabunandsecuretheelasticaroundit.“Thereyougo.Doyou
wanttostandatthefrontforme?”

EllastandswhereItellhertoandIclapmyhandstothegirlstoquietenthemdown.

Westartwithstretchesandquicklylaunchintokicksandtwirls.Iwatchthenewgirl,

Ella.Thisisthefirsttimeshe’sbeenhereandshe’spickeditupreallyquick.Westopfora
five-minutebreaksoIgotoher.“HiElla.”

“Hello.”

“Areyouenjoyingit?”Shenods,butshesoexpressiveandenthusiastic,Iloveitwhen

they’relikethis.“That’sgoodthen.Doyoulikedancing?”

“Yep.Ialwaysdanceathome.DaddyletsmedressupinmyBelledressandIdance

whenI’mwatchingthedvd.”

“Wow.That’sgreat.”

“DaddysaidthatMummyalwayswantedadancer.”

“Ahh.MummyandDaddywillbeproudofyouthen.”Ellalooksatthefloorand

doesn’tsayanythingelse.“Ella?Areyouokay?”shenodssoIdecidetoleaveitandfinish
upthebreaktime.

IalwaysputthenewbiesatthefrontsoIcanseewhatthey’redoingandifthey’re

followingtheroutinesorjustthemoves.She’sdoingsowell,Icanseeshe’sgoingtopick

allthisupinnotime.

Theparentswalkbackdownthestepsandslowlyentertheroom.Thechildrengettheir

socks,shoesandonebyonetheyfilteroutassoonastheyseetheirmumswaitingfor
thembythedoor.Ellabeingtheyoungestoftheclasswaitsonthefloor.Thesexgodin
thesuitwalksbackinandcomestowardsus.“Heybabygirl,didyouenjoythat?”

“ILOVEDIT!CanIcomeagainDaddy,peeeaasse?”

“Ofcourse,youcansweetheart!”Iwatchhimsitonthefloorandputonhersocksand

shoes.Shethenjumpsupanddivesathim.Sheflingsherarmsaroundhisneckandhugs
him.“Thankyou,Daddy!Iloveyou!DidyouheardatGwace,Icancomebackagain.”
Sheclapsherlittlehands.

“Iheard,that’sgreatnews.”Isayhappily.Hekisseshercheekandlooksatherhair.

“What’sthisinyourhair?”

Ellasighs,“Daddy,itabunfingy…”

“Oh,thattoldmedidn’tit.”Oh,mydays!Seeingthosetwotogetherisabsolutely

adorable…Ithinkmyovariesmayhaveburst.Herollshiseyesashelooksatmeand
smirks,kindof.

“When’sthenextsession?”Hisvoiceishuskybutsmoothlikechocolate,Icouldlisten

toitallday.

“ThursdaysametimeandwedoSaturdaymorningsninetillten.Ofcourse,youdon’t

havetocometoeveryone,youcanpayasyougo.Imeannoteveryonecancommitto
themallbut…it’suptoyou.I’ll…justshutupnow.”Igivehimanervoussmileandmove
theloosestrandsofhairoutofmyburningface,youcouldprobablyfryaneggonitright
nowit’ssohot.Iriskaglanceathimandhe’sstandingtherewideeyedjuststaringatme.
Ohboy!

“Howmucharethesessions?”

“Ohh!Erm,fourpoundsfiftyeachortwoforeightpoundsorthreefortenpounds.”I

blowoutabreathasdiscreetlyasIcan.

“CanIdofweeeDaddy,canI,canI,canI?”

“Yes,ifyouwantto.LikeIcansayno.Getdownaminutesweetheart…”

Heputshertothefloorwhilehetakeshiswalletout.Hepullsatenpoundnoteoutand

handsittome.“Bookherinforallthreethisweekandwe’llseehowshegoes.Isthat
ok?”

“Ah,yeahthat’sperfect.Thankyou.”

“ByeGwace,seeyoulater.”

“ByeElla.”Sherunstowardsthedoorandturnsback.

“Comeondaddy.I’mhungwy!”

“ItwasnicetomeetyouGrace.”

“Ye…yeah,youtoo.”Iwatchhimwalkawayfrommeandjoinhisdaughteratthe

door.Sheslipshertinyhandinsidehisandtheyleave.Shelooksbackandwavesatme,I
holdupahandtowavebutthey’regonefromtheroom.

IgetmyheartbacktoanevenbeatagainthenfindtheCDIwantinmyhuge

collectionandpressplay.IusuallydanceforanhourbeforeIteachthekidsandanhour
aftereverysessionthatwayIstillgetmytrainingtoo.OnhearingDespacitobyLuisFonsi
startIgetlostinthemusicanddancetomyheart’scontent.

Ireturnhomesweatyandtired!Ifloponthecouchandsavourthepeace.“Hey

Gracey!”ThebouncesnexttometellsmethatMeaghanishere!Somuchforpeaceand
quiet!

“Hi.Ididn’tthinkyouwerehereit’stooquiet.”nudgingherwithmyelbow,Iwink

playfully.Meaghanismyroommate,myratherloudroommate.Idon’tthinksheknows
quiet.

“Howwerethekidstoday?”

“Good,oneofthegirlswho’salwaysthereonaMondaydidn’tturnupbutIhadanew

girlstart.”

“Ohyeah.”Shepicksathernailsassheanswers.

“Oh,Meaghanshewassoadorable!Shehadblondehairwithbrightblueeyesandthis

cutelittlenose.Shegotstuckrightintooeventhoughshedidn’tknowanyoneandherdad
is…HOT!”

Herheadsnapsmyway,“Whatyoumean?”

“WhatIsaid,hewasH.O.T!Hewasdressedinadarkbluesuitandhehaddarkhair

withathinlayerofscruffonhischin,hewastalltoo.I’msurehehasanimpressivebody
underthoselayers.InearlyswallowedmytonguewhenIsawhim,Ifeltallhotand
botheredtoo,Imust’vebeenblushing-noscrapthat,Iwasblushing,especiallywhenI
sawhimlookingrightatme.”MyhandmovesbackandforthfanningmyfaceasIthink
aboutit.“Oh,andinclassicGracefashion,Irambledonlikeanidiot!OhmygodImust
havelookedlikearighttwat…thenashegotcloserhehadthesegorgeousbrowneyes,
likemeltedchocolateandIdied-rightthere.”Itellherdreamily.

“You’redoingitnow!”Shelaughsloudly,puttingastoptomymusings.

“Buthepaidforthreesessionsthoughsohe’llbebackThursday…ohshit!”

“Whatnow?”Meaghanquestions.

“Whatifhedoesn’tcomeback?WhatifhiswifebringshercauseImeanhehastobe

married…there’snowayamanlikethatisn’tgoingtobesnappedup!”Ilookacrossat
Meaghanandhereyesareshut.“Hey,areyou,listeningtome…?”

“Erm,Iwasbutyoulostmeatmarried.”Sheshrugs,smirking.

“Ugh.Whyarewefriendsagain?”

“Becauseyouloveme!”Sheslapsmythighandstandsfromthecouch.“I’mgoingout.

I’mofftoseeRoss,Ineedtogetlaid!Laters!”

IshakemyheadatMeaghanassheleavessoIdecideonahot,relaxingbubblebath.

PuttingaCDonIwhackthevolumeupandgoforasoak.

CHAPTERFIVE

Owen

Ella

isfullofexcitementafterdancing.Herdanceteacherseemsniceifnotabitonthe

talkativeside,butEllaseemstolikeher.I’vepromisedtobuyheraMcDonald’sforher
dinner.Shedoesn’teachmuchjunkfoodsoit’llbeanicelittletreatforher.

WhileIwasinthatviewingroomtryingtowatchmydaughter,IfeltlikeIwasbeing

fedtothewolves.Thereweretwowomen-thewholehourtheysniggeredliketeenagers.
Ugh,ifthat’swhatI’vegottolookforwardtoI’msogladI’moutofthedatinggame.

Pullinguponthecarpark,IparkthecarthenunclipElla’sbeltandwewalkinsidethe

restaurant.PickingherupontomyhipIaskherwhatshewants.“Nuggets.”Idon’teven
needtoaskwhatdrink,it’llbeachocolatemilkshake.Whenit’sourturnIstepuptothe
counterandsitEllaontheside.Iorderabigmacmealformyselfandachickennuggets
HappymealforElla.IputEllaonthegroundandtellhertofindatable,Igrabstraws,
napkinsandofcoursetomatosauce.

AsweeatEllabeginstotellmeaboutherdancesession.“Wedidtwirlsandkicksand

wediiiiidjumping.AndGwacesaidIwasweallygood.”Ismilewide.There’sonlyone
femalethatwillmakemesmilethisbigandshetotallyhasmyheartinherhands.

Wearrivehomealittlelater,she’syawningherlittleheadoff.“Comeonsweetpea,

baththenbedtimeforyou.”Igoupstairstorunherabubblebath,onceit’sreadyIcallher
upstairs.Shestripsdownandgetsinthebath.IleavehertoplayfortenminuteswhileI
grabherpj’sandacleantowel.Idropthepj’sonthebedandtakethetowelwithmeinto
thebathroom.“Haveyouhadenoughofplayingnow.”Sheyawnsagain.“Ithinkyou
have.”Ismileandgrabthejugtowetherhairandstartthebathingroutine.

Iwrapherinatowel,dryherhairandputonhercleanpyjamas,thenpullbackthe

duvetforhertojumpin.“Daddy,canIhavesomejuicepease.”

“YeahyoujumpinandI’llgetsome.”Igointothekitchenandgrabhersomejuice.

BythetimeIgobackintotheroomshe’salmostasleep.Iplacethejuiceatthesideof

herandsitonthefloor.Istrokeherhairwithonehandasshereachesoutformyother
hand.Sheholdsittight.“LoveyouDaddy.”

“Loveyoutoo,Angel.”Iwhispertoher.

Strippingoutofmysuit,Istepinsidetheshower.I’dbeeninthatpoxysuitsince

sevenamthismorningit’snoweightpm.StandingunderthesprayIholdmyheadback
andclosemyeyes.

“Makelovetome,Owen.”

Herbodyslidesagainstmineasthewaterfallsbetweenus.

“Iloveyousomuch,Vic.”

Openingmyeyesslowlythatsameheartbreaktakesovermeandmytearsmixinwith

thewaterhidingthem.It’stimeslikethiswhenImissherthemost,onaneveningwhen
there’snothingtodoandnoonetospeakwith.Istepfromtheshoweranddressinsome
shortsthenstartmydailychores.

I’vehadabusyweekatworkandI’mknackered.Mixthatinwithtakingandpicking

upEllafromnursery,thenthere’sdance,she’salreadybeentotwicethisweek;allIwant
todoishavealiein.Thehouseisquiet,Ilookatmywatchandseeit’sonlysevenam.I
turnoveronmysideandclosemyeyestryingtogettenmoreminutesbeforemy
whirlwindgetsupandthenit’sallover.

I’mjustdriftingbackoffwhenIhearthecreakofthedooropening.Ifeelalittletap

myshoulder.Notansweringher,shetapsagain.Sheclimbsonthebedandliesoverme,
“Daddy,areyouwake?”Shelieshercheekagainstmyshoulder,thenhangsover,shetries
toopenmyeyes.

“Raahhhh.”Igrowlasshesqueals.

“Daddy,youfwightenedme.”Shegiggles.Ipullherintobedwithmeandtickleher

untilshe’sbellychuckling.Ilovethatsound.“Stop.I’mhungwy.”

“Okaythen.Let’sgetup.”

“Yeahhh!CanIhavepopspease?”Icarrydownthestairsonmybackandstandheron

thechairatthetable.

ShesitsdownasIgobackintothekitchen.Pressingdowntheswitchonthekettle

first,IletitboilwhileIgetthecocopops,themilkoutofthefridgeanddoElla’s
breakfast.Takingitintoher,Iplaceitinfrontofherthenkissthetopofherhead.

Iplacetwopiecesofbreadinthetoasterandmakemycoffee.Oncethetoastisready,I

slathersomebutteron,IplaceitontheplateandjoinEllaatthetable.

Pullingupatthestudio,thecarparkisemptyallbutforonecar.I’msureshesaid

Saturday,butthenagain,sherambledsomuchImayhavemisunderstood.Iparkup,get
outandlookaround.IholdmyhandoutforEllatotakeandwemakeourwayaroundthe
sidetotheentrancedoor.BeforewewalkinIhearmusic.Wepushthroughthedoorand

walktowardsthestudiodoor.

LookinginthroughthewindowIseeher.Grace.She’sdancing.She’ssoagileasshe

bendsandtwirls,herlegliftshigherthanherhead.Shit,IpickEllaupsoshecanseetoo.

“Ah,”Shegasps.“That’sGwace,Daddy.”

“Iknow.”Placingmyfingeragainstherlips,Iwhisper,‘shh’.Idon’twanttostartleher

andthenhaveherhurtherself.Shefinishesherroutinethenswitchesoffthemusic.Ifeel
likearightstalker,IwatchherdohercooldownexercisesthenIknockonthedoor.

Shelooksatusthroughthewindow,hereyeswidenbutEllaopensthedoorandruns

throughstraighttoher.

“ElloGwace.”

“HelloElla.Areyoureadyforyourlessontoday?”

“Morning.”Isaybeingpolite.

“Goodmorning.”Shesmiles,herfaceflushedfromdancingandbeadsofsweatsit

onthebridgeofhernose.

“Sorrywe’reearly.Ellacouldn’twaittoleave.”

“Ohnoit’sfine,really!”Sheanswersoutofbreathasshepatsherfacewithatowel.

“Wedidn’twanttodisturbyou.”Shelooksatmealittleconfused.

“Oh,thedancing.Nah,ItraintwiceadayonthedaysIteachthekids,otherwiseit

wouldmeanmegoingbackwardsandforwardsallthetimeandit’sjust…easier.”She
tellsmenotcomingupforbreath.Shegivesmeatight-lippedsmileandturnsaway.

Whensheturnsaroundshedoesn’tlookatmebutinsteadlooksatEllawith

asmile.“Rightthenlittlelady.Shallwestartwarmingupuntiltheothersget
here?”

“Yessss!”Ellasitsonthefloortakingoffhersocksandtrainersagain.Withherbackto

me,GracechangestheCD.

“Sweetheart,I’llbeupstairs.”

“ByeDaddy,”Iblowherakissandwalktowardsthedoor,stoppingtolookbackatmy

daughterandthepetitedancerthatseemstohavecaughtmyeyebysurprise,Igrabacup
ofcoffeeontheway.

ItakemyseatbythewindowsoIcanseemylittlelady,asmyphonesoundswitha

text.

Tom:Heydoyoufancyapinttonight?

I’veknownTomforawhilenow,hestartedasmyclient,butweseemedtogetonand

havethesameinterests,wehadacoupleofdrinkstodiscusshisworkandhititoff.Every
nowandagainhe’llsendmeatextwantingtocatchup.

Me:Notsure,IhaveElla.

Igetatextstraightback…

Tom:Couldyougetababysitter?

Ireadhismessagebutfeelbadaboutgoingout.Ihateleavingher.

Me:I’mnotsureI’llseewhatIcandoandletyouknow

Iturnoffthescreenandslidethephonebackintomypocket.IknowIshouldprobably

getoutmorebutIfeelguiltyaboutleavingherwithanyoneifIhavetoworkletaloneto
gooutdrinking.IknowI’monlythirty,butstill.

IwatchElla’sfaceasshedances,shelookssohappy.Herlittlefacebeamswith

happiness,justseeingherlikethismakesmehappybutsadatthesametime.I’veforgot
thelasttimeIwasthathappy.Victoriashouldbeheretoseethis,towatchherbecomethe
dancershewantedhertobe.Myheartachesformywifestillanditprobablyalwayswill.
MaybeitistimeIwentout.IsthatwhatVicwouldwant?

HowwouldIevenknow?

Weneverhadthattypeofdiscussion,Imean,whywouldwe?Shewas26yearsofage.

Wedidn’thaveaninklingthattherewassomethingwrongwithher.

ShewastheloveofmylifeandIlostherwaytoosoon.

Ipickherupandswingheraroundthenkissher,pouringeverythingIhaveintoher.“I

can’tbelieveI’mgoingtobeaDad.Iloveyousomuch,Vic.”Everyemotionshowsonher
face,lightingitup.“I’msohappy.Thankyou.”

IshakemyselffromthememorybeforeItearuplikeasap,inaroomfullofwomen

thatcan’tbegood.SwiggingbacktherestofmycoldcoffeeIthrowtheemptycupinthe
bininthecorneroftheroom.

Feelingeyesonme,Ismiletightly,politely.Iturnmyheadbacktothewindowto

watchElla.IsmileproudlyasIwatchhertwistandturn.

“Howold’syourdaughter?”Thewomanwho’sstaringatmeasks.

“She’sfour.”

“She’sverygoodforherage.”

“Thankyou.”Ismileproudlyagain.“She’salwaysdancing.IthoughtI’dgetherintoa

classinstead.”Ishrug.

“Aww,that’ssosweet.Iwishmydaughter’sDadwasasthoughtful.Scumbag.”

Okaythen.“Well,she’smywholelife.Icouldn’tdreamofbeingwithouther.”

Sheplacesahandonmyarm.“Yourwifeisaveryluckywoman.”shewinks.

Thesmileslipsfrommyfaceandthelumpthatformedearlierhasgrownbigger.

“Yeah…excusemeladies.”Igetupfromseatandleavetheroomquickly.Ineedsome
air.Imakemywaydownthesidestairsandoutofthemaindoor.Assoonasthefreshair
hitsmyface,Ibreatheitinwithmyhandsonmyhips,Ihangmyheadbackandclosemy
eyes.

CHAPTERSIX

Grace

thegirlsfinishupdoingtheircoolingdownexercises,IseeElla’sDadwalkoutside.

“Okaythengirls,ifyouwanttogetyoursocksandshoeson,I’llbejustaminute.”Iwalk
fromtheroomandoutofthemaindoor.He’sstandingwithhisbacktomewithsomething
seriousonhisminditseems.Ireachupandtaphimsoftlyontheshoulder.Heslowly
turns.“Sorry.Erm…thegirlshavefinishedandthey’rejustgettingtheirshoeson.”I
smileathim.“ThoughtitwasbestIletyouknow.”

Herubshishandsoverhisfaceandblowsoutabreath.“Thanks.”hesighs.

“Areyouokay?Idon’twanttopry…”

“Uh,yeah.Yeah,they’redoneyousay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,”henods,“I’llgointhen.ThanksGrace.”hesaysasheturnsback,beforehe

walksbackthroughthedoor.

“You’rewelcome,Owen.”helooksbackatmestrangely,likeIshouldn’thavesaidhis

name.Henodsandcarriesonbackin.I’dlovetoknowhisstory.Themanalwayslooksso
conflictedliketheworldisweighingonhisshoulders.Hiseyesaresointensetoo,but
whenhelooksathisdaughtereverythingslipsawayandIfeelthelovehehasforher.
Nothingelsematters,buther.

Igobackinandseetothegirls,makingsuretheyhaveeverything.Iwavethemalloff

andasalwaysEllaislasttoleave.Owenistheothersideoftheroomonthephone.“Are
younotgoinghomeElla?”

Shenods.“I’mgoingtonana’s.”

“Wowthat’sexciting.”

“Daddycanwegonow,pease?”heholdsonefingerupandstartstowardsus.“Yeah

okay.Seeyousoon.”HeputshisphonebackinhispocketandcrouchestoElla’slevel.
“Sorrybabygirl,I’mallyoursnow.”Swoon.Oh,myheart.

“SeeyouMonday,Ella.”Shewrapsherarmsaroundmylegs.“Whoa.”

“Shelikesyou.”Owensays.Igivehimawidesmile.

“ByeGwace.SeeyouMonday.”

SheholdsherDad’shandandwalksfromtheroom,swingingitbetweenthem.It’sso

sweet,she’sliketheepitomeofaDaddy’sgirl.

Iwalkbackintheflatanddropmybag,there’smusicblastingfromthebedroom.I

grababottleofwaterandsitonabarstoolwhileIrehydratefrommytrainingsession.
Meaghanwalksfromthebedroom,“We’regoingouttonight.”

“What,really?I’mknackered.Imightgiveitamiss.”

“Noway!You’recoming.”

“Rossiscomingandbringinghisfriends.”Shesayswickedlywitharaiseofher

eyebrows.

“Ishould’veknownitwouldhavesomethingtodowithhim.Doesitnotbotheryou

thathe’sseeingsomeone?Infact,he’slivingwithsomeone.”

“Oh,don’tbeabore.It’saweirdrelationshiptheyhave.He’snothappywithher.”

“Thenmaybeheshouldleaveher?”

“Ugh,don’t-wearguedaboutthislastweek.Hesayshecan’tleave.”

“Youargued,yethe’safucktoy.Idon’tgetyousometimes.”Itellhershakingmy

head,“I’msurethere’sothersoutthere…”

“ButIlikehim…alot,andhegetsme.”

“Youmeanyougetwhatyouwantfromhim.”

“No,notreally.”

“YouknowMeaghan,I’mallforyousowingyourwildoatsandallthat-butwhycan’t

youdoitwithsomeonethatisn’tinvolved.

“BecauseI’venevermetanyonelikehim.He’ssweet,thesexisamazingandhe’snice

tome…”

“Also,hetellswhatyouwanttoheartokeepyouaround.Igetit.”Iaddholdingupa

hand.

“No,it’snotthatatall.Pleasejustcomewithme.”Hearingherpleadingsoftensmy

frostyattitude.

“Fine,I’llcomebutifhestartsbeingadickI’mgoingtotellhim.Idon’tlike

cheaters.”Isighheavily.

Shesmilesandclaps.“Iloveyou!Thankyouandwhatever.”Shehugsmetight.

“I’mgoingforanap,thenIneedtopopouttotheshops.”Ipickmybottleupandwalk

outoftheroom,Ifloponmybedwithexhaustion.I’mknackered.Idon’tintendon
gettinguptomorrowatall.

“Areyouready?”Meaghanshoutsoutsidethebedroomdoor.

“Yes,I’mcomingnow.Haveyouorderedthetaxi?”

“No,I’llgoanddoitnow.”

Islipmyfeetintomybluestilettos.I’vegotmyblackrippedjeansonandablueoff

theshouldertopwhichsitsjustabovemywaistline.Myhairisdownmybackinwaves
andmymakeupissubtle,Idon’tusuallygooverthetopanywayandit’snotlikeI’m
goingouttopullanyway.Grabbingmyclutchfromthecouch,Iwalkintothelivingroom.
Meaghanisdressedinawhitedress,whichmakesherredhairstandout.“Youlook
stunning.”

“Whythankyou,sodoyou.”

“It’sapityyou’renotmeetingsomeoneworthyofallthateffortyou’veputin.”

“YoupromisedGrace.”

“IpromisedI’dgowithyou,nottokeepmyopinionstomyself.Hedoesn’tdeserve

you.”

“Okay…”shesighs,“butcanyoupleasetryandbehave.”

“Fornow,foryou-ofcourse,getsomevodka’sinmeandIcan’tpromiseanything.”I

winkaswehearacarhornsoundandatextmessagecomingfromMeaghan’sbag.She
pullsoutherphone.

“Taxi’shere,let’sgo.”

I’monmythirdvodkaalready,thiswassuchabadidea.I’matthebargettingus

anotherasIseeRossandhisfriendwalkin.RossisgoodlookingI’lladmit,buthereally
isatwat.Hethinkshe’sgod’sgifttowomen!Afterpayingthebarman,Iturnfromthebar
andwalkbacktoMeaghan.Ihandher,herdrink,“Iseedickfacehasturnedup.”She
doesn’tanswermejustfixeshergazeonRoss.“Ughplease.”Rossgrabsherfrombehind
andthrowsawinkinmydirectionbeforekissingherneck.“Didyourgirlfriendnotfeed
youbeforeyoucameout?”Everyoneknowshehasalive-ingirlfriendsoit’snosecret.

“Grace.Lookingaslovelyasever.”Iplacethestrawbetweenmylips,smirkingasI

suckupmorevodkaandlime.Iputupmymiddlefingeragainstglassandholditsohe
cansee.

“Classy.”Rosstellsmewitharollofhiseyes.

Prick!“Ohplease.Saysyou.”Igivehimanevilstarethenturnawayfromhim.

“Canyoutwonotgetonforfiveminutes?”Meaghansighs.

“Nope.Sorry.”Iturntohisfriend.“Areyoureallyhisfriend?”Isaytothestranger

whoRosscameinwith.

“Unfortunately.Hi,I’mTom.”Hesaysashereachesouttome,Iputmyclutchunder

myarmandshakehishand.

“Grace.”Ismile.He’shandsomewithhisblondehairandboynextdoorlooks,he’s

cleanshavenwithblueeyes.“So,Meaghan,youdidn’ttellmeitwasafoursome.You
said,‘Rossandhisfriends.’Notfriend.”

“Ahh,yeahitshouldbebuthemaynotjoinus.”Tomadds.

“Ohokay.You’reletoffthistime.”Ishouttomyfriend.Shedoesn’thearmeasshe’s

suckingfacewithRosstherat.“Ugh,getaroom.”

“JealousywillgetyounowhereGrace.”Rosssaysashedragshislipsfromherto

answerme.

“Screwyou.”IturnfromRossandfaceTom.“So,Tom,howlonghaveyouknown

Ross?”

“Quiteawhiletobehonest.Aroundtenyears.”Idrinksomemoreofmyvodka.“He

actuallyworksforme.”

“Yourfriendsandheworksforyou.Wowyoumustlikehim.”Ismirk.Ican’thelp

beingabitchwhereRossisconcernedbecausehe’splayingwithmybestfriend’sheart
andlikeItoldherearlier,Idon’tlikecheaters.MydadcheatedonmyMum,multiple
times,withoneskankafteranother.“So,whatisityoudothenTom?”

“I’vegotmyownbusiness.Irunamotorbikeshop.”

“Ahreally.Doyouridetoo?”Myeyesgowide,Ilovebikes-there’sjustsomething

aboutthem.

“Ido.”Hesmiles.It’seasy,nice.Relaxed.IseehimsneakalookoveratMeaghanand

Rossandnarrowshiseyes.Hmm,interesting…

“So,whatdoyoudo,Grace?”Helooksbackatmewithasmileagain.

“I’madanceteacher.Ihavemyowndanceclass.Iteachkids.Iloveit.There’snothing

likeseeingthejoyontheirfaceswhentheylearnsomethingnew.”

TomandIchatawayandlaughtogetherforawhileuntilIrealiseI’vebeenholding

ontoanemptyglass.“Shit,I’mempty.Meaghan,it’syourturn.Gettothebar.”

I’llgetthese.”Heliftstheglasstohisnoseandsniffs,somethingwithlime,vodka,

gin?”

“Vodka,please.Don’tgivemeGin,I’llbeonthefloor.”Henodsashesmilesatme

andwalksawaytothebar.Gazingaroundthepub,Isizeeveryoneup.Ilovepeople
watching,Ipullupastoolandtaketheweightoffmyheels,mylegsareachingandmy
feetarestartingtohurt.MygazefindsMeaghanandRossagainbutthey’vebarelycome
upforair.“Heyleech,doyouthinkIcouldspeaktomyfriend?”Hemoveshishandthat’s
beenstucktoherarseforthelasttenminutesandgivesmethemiddlefingerbehindher.
“Wanker!”Idon’treallyswearmuchjustincaseIeverdropitoutaroundthekids.God
forbid,butifIsayitundermybreaththatdoesn’tcount,right?

Thosetwoaremakingmefeelnauseous,Ilookawayandgobacktomypeople

watchingwhileIwaitformydrink.Somemorepeoplewalkin,Ilookateachonetoseeif
Iknowthem,usuallyit’sparentsofthekidsIteach,nowthat’sfunnyespeciallywhenthey

getpissedandmakeafoolofthemselves.

Stillstuckontheentrance,Idon’tseeTomwalkbacktowardsmeholdingmydrink.

Worststill,Idon’tseethegorgeous,darkhairedmanthat’sstandingnexttohimwitha
deerinheadlightslookonhisface.

“Grace.Thereyougo.Thisismybuddy…”

Icuthimoff.“Owen?”

CHAPTERSEVEN

Owen

“Do

youtwoknoweachotherthen?”Tomaskspointingbetweenus.

“Briefly.”Isaystilllookingather.Shetakesherdrinkfromhimandsucksthroughthe

straw.Idon’tthinkIcanbehere.

InearlyturnedaroundandwentbackhomeafterdroppingEllaoffathergrandparents.

TheyweremorethanhappytohaveherwhenIrangthismorning,infactI’dgoasfarto
saytheyoverjoyedthatIwasgoingout.TheytoldmeIneedtostartlivingagainwhichis
weirdsinceItoldmyselfthesamethingtheotherday-butit’shard.RacheltoldmeI
shouldandit’swhatVicwould’vewanted,butit’seasiersaidthandone.

“Well,fancyseeingyouhere.”Gracenervouslysays.“How’sElla?”

“Good…thankyou.”Myheadnodsawkwardly.“Fullofthejoystobestoppingather

grandparents’house.”Igrin.IlookaroundsoIdon’thavetolookatthewomaninfrontof
me.It’sbeensolongsinceI’vebeenoutlikethis.

“So,Itakeityourwifeisheretoothen,I’dlovetomeether.”Thatstunnedlookcomes

backagainasIfeelTom’seyesonme,Ilookathimthenmygazeshiftstohers.She’s
waitingonananswerIdon’tthinkIcangive.

“Erm,”Iclearmythroat,“she’s…she’snotaround…anymore.”Idon’tlookatGrace

again,Ilookeverywherebutatheragain.

“Oh.I’m,I’msorry.Ididn’tknow.Ohfuck,meandmybigmouth.”Sheputsherglass

onthetable,“just,excusemeforasecond.”Iwatchherturnawayandpushthroughthe
crowd.

Ipushmyfreehandintomyhair.“Doesn’tsheknow?”Tomasks.Ishakemyhead.

“Thenhowdoyouknowher,becauseIknowyou’renotthetypetobescrewingany
womanyoucomeintocontactwith.”

LookingatTom.“She’sElla’sdanceteacher.”Isigh.

“Andyouhaven’ttoldher?”

“No.Ididn’tthinkIneededtobroadcastthatI’mawidowandIlosttheloveofmy

life.Doyou?”

“Owen,mate.Ijustthinksheshould’veknownthat’sall”

Iseeherheadbobbingthroughthecrowd,she’snotverytallbutwithheelsonitgives

hersomeheight.

“Areyougoingtotellher?”

“Iseenoreasonto,she’sjustElla’steacherthat’sall.Nowshutit,she’scomingback.”

Graceapproachesthetableagainandstraightawayshegrabsherglass.Thestrawsits

betweentheglossshehasonherlips,Iwatchherthroatworkassheswallowsitdown.
Whatthefuck,Ican’tdothis.“Ineedsomefreshair.”

Beforeanyonecansayanything,IwalkawayfromthemandI’moutofthedoor.I

standatthesideoftheentranceagainstthewall,myheadrestagainstitasIclosemy
eyes.WhatthefuckamIdoinghere?WhyamIwatchingawomanIbarelyknowdrinking
throughastrawforfuckssake?NowIshouldbethinkingofVictorianooneelse.Theonly
problemisthisisthefirsttimethatVictoriahasn’tpoppedintomyhead.

“Areyouokay?”Iopenmyeyescautiously,IknowexactlywhoI’mgoingtosee

there,butI’mnotsureifIwanttoo.

“I’mfine…thanks.”

“Youdon’tlookfine.LookI’msorryformakingthingsawkward.Ididn’tknow.Ella

doesn’tmentionhermumatdanceandIonlyseeherwithyousoIjustthoughtthat
maybeshewasaDaddy’sgirlandherMumwasbusy.So,Iapologise,andthereIgo
again,rambling.”Shesaysmoretoherselfthantome.

“It’sokay.Really.”Iclosemyeyesagain.“Maybecomingheretonightwasn’tsucha

goodidea.”

“Lookyoudon’twantmecrowdingyouandIcanseethatyouwanttobealoneso,I’ll

gobackin.Ijustwantedtomakesurethatyouwereokayandtoapologise,really,andI
havenow.”Mylipspullintoakindofsmile,whateverthatis-asmirkmaybe.Shenods
thenturns.Myhandwrapsaroundherbiceptostopher.

“Don’tleave.”

“Areyousure?”

Inod.“I’msure.”

“Ipromisenottorambleon.”Ismileatheragain.I’mnotusetothissmilinglark

unlessithastodowithElla.Notmuchgetssaidafterthat.Shestandsnexttomebythe
wallasherperfumewaftstowardsme.IrecognisethesmellthoughIthink.Gracestarts
dithering,shewrapsherarmsaroundherselftokeepoutthecold.Idoubtit’lldomuch
goodthough.

“You’recold,let’sgoinside.”

“No,I’mokay.”sherubsherarmstostaveoffthegoosebumps.

“Comeon.OtherwiseTomwillthinkI’vebailedonhim.”

Shesmiles,it’snice.Smilingback,Ireachmyhandoutinfrontforhertogofirst.

“Ladiesfirst.”

“Thanks.”Wesqueezethroughthecrowdandre-joinTom.

“Wherehaveyoubeen?”Grace’sfriendshoutsoverthenoise.

“OhMeaghan,youhaven’tmetOwen,haveyou?Owen,thisismybestfriend

Meaghan.”

“Hey.”Inodmyhead.Gracepicksherglassbackupdrinkstherestofherdrink.What

isitthatdrawsmetolookather,Idon’tunderstand.She’sthecompleteoppositeto
Victoria.Whereshewasblonde,Graceisdark,Vicwasquitetallbutshe’spetite.Ishake
myheadfromeverything.

“Ross.Howareyou?”Idon’treallylikeRoss,there’sjustsomethingabouthim,that

getstomebutI’malwayspolite…

“Finallygotyoutocomeoutthen.Ithoughtyouwerebecomingahermit.”

GracestandsclosertomebutfacesRossheadon.“ShutupRoss.”

“It’sokayGrace.”Isaywithahandonhershoulder.RealisingwhatIdid,Iremoveit

quickly.

“No,it’snot,he’sadick.”Shesaysangrily.Ilookagainandhe’swhisperinginher

friend’sear.

“RightIthinkit’stimeforaroundofdrinks.”Tomclapshishandashedoesn’tlike

conflict.“Grace,really…it’sokay…”Sheturnsherbacktohimbeforegivinghimthe
evileyeandlooksbacktomeandsmiles,she’srelaxedandputsmeatease.

Wehaveafewmoreroundsofdrinks,RossandGrace’sfriendhavedisappeared.

Graceshakesherheadindisgust.“Doyouknowshepleadedmetocomewithhertonight,
IwasquitehappywithaDVDandabottleofwine…ortwo.”

“Yeah,whenRossaskedmetocomealongIshouldhaveknownhewasupto

something.”Tomagrees.

“Isthatwhyyouaskedmebecauseyouwantedtosomeonetotalkto?”

“No,Owen.Ithoughtthatit’dbenicetohaveapintwithmyfriendandmaybesoyou

couldhavesomeadulttime.”Gracelooksbetweenus.

“Ellaisamazingthough.”shesmiles.Shehasarealnicesmile,it’scontagious.It

makesmewanttosmile.“Shehassomuchspiritandshe’slearningreallyquickly.”She
looksatTomandme.“I’msorry,you’resupposedtobehavinganightoff…”

“Grace?Stopapologising.Younevergetanightoffwithachild.”Itakemyphone

frommypocket.Nomissedcallsortexts.Idon’tknowwhetherIshouldbepleasedor
not.Ononehand,atleastIknowshe’sokaybutshe’smybaby.

“Youokay?”Graceaskssoundingconcerned.

“Yeah.”Inodwhileputtingmyphoneaway.

“Guys,Igottapiss.Berightback.”IwatchTomleaveusandlookbackatGraceas

she’slookingaroundthepub.

“WhereisMeaghan?I’msogoingtokickherarse!”

IwishIcouldbenaturalaroundpeople.Iusedtobe.WatchingGrace,Iseehow

comfortablesheis.Whycan’tIjustletgo?Ineverusedtobethisnervous.Ilookdown
intomypint,lookingforanswersIsupposebutitdoesn’twork.Idrinktheremainsand
emptymyglass.TheplacehasfilledupsinceIarrivedandthere’snotablesnow.Iwatch
asGraceshiftsherweightfromonefoottoanother.“Areyoualright?”

“Myfeetarekillingme.Ifshedoesn’thurryupI’mgoinghome.Canyouholdthisa

secondplease?”

Inodmyheadandtaketheglassfromher.Shepullsherphonefromherbagandstarts

tappingatthescreen,withasatisfyinglookonherfaceandasmugsmile,sheholdsthe
glassinonehandandtaketheglassbackwiththeother.

“Happynow?”

“Yep,I’vejusttoldherifshe’snotbackinfiveminutesI’mgoinghome.I’mnot

hangingaroundherewhileshehasherwaywiththatweasel.”

“Youreallydon’tlikeRoss,doyou?”Ismirk.

“NopeIwishshe’dmeetsomeonenice,he’sgotthemoralsofanalleycat…”

Fifteenminutespassby,they’restillnotbackandshe’snotreceivedatext.“Look,you

cansaynobutIdon’tlikethethoughtofyougettingataxibyyourself,sowouldyoulike
toshareone?”

“Erm,ifthat’sokaywithyouthenyeahthat’dbegreat…I’msotired.”Sheyawnsjust

atthatmomentandcovershermouthasshetriestospeak.

“Tom,taxi?”Iaskashereturns.

“No,youguysgoI’mgoingtohangaroundhereforawhile.”

“Okay,well,ifyouseethescarletpimpernelandmyroommate/bestfriendcanyoutell

herIgotsickofwaitingandwenthome.”

“Yeahofcourse.Tomsayslaughingasheleansdowntokisshercheek.“Itwasgood

tomeetyouGrace.”

Watchingtheirexchange,theeasylaughterandthekissonthecheekmakesfeellikean

intruder.IlookawaybutIcan’thelptoglancebackatGrace.Herhairhangingdownher
back,thewayhereyescreaseatthecornerswhenshesmiles.Fuck,Ineedtogohome.I
bookthetaxithroughtheappandtellGrace.

“Taxi’sonitsway.”

“Okay.Thanks.”shedrinkstherestofhervodkaandplacesherclutchunderherslim

arms.Myhandrubsdownmyface,what’swrongwithme.IshakeTom’shand,then
GraceandIleavetogetintothewaitingtaxi.

CHAPTEREIGHT

Grace

Getting

inthetaxiItakemyplaceinthebackandtellthedrivermyaddressashe

slowlypullsawayfromthekerb.

IhavenocluewhathappenedtoOwen,butIknowitmust’vebeensomethinghuge.I

lookacrossoutofthecornerofmyeye,he’ssittingagainstthedoor.I’mnotsurewhatto
do.I’mcompletelyoutofmycomfortzone…maybealittleidlechatwillwork,we
managedsomeinthebarandatsomepointsheseemedtoberelaxing,butnowheseems
nervousagain,tense.

“So,Owen,howdoyouguysknoweachother?”

Helooksacrossatme.“I’mTom’sfinancialadvisor.We’vebeenfriendsforafew

yearsnow.”

“Ohcool!So,youknowRosstoothen?”Iaskturningupmylipatthesoundofhis

name.

“Yeah,IknowRoss…why!”

“Justaskingseeingasmyfriend’s‘seeing’him,Idon’twanthimtohurther.”Ilook

acrossathimintently.

“Yourfrienddoesn’tseemtooworriedfromwhatI’veseentonightandlet’sfaceit,he

probablywill.”

“Well,that’sbecauseshethinkswithhervagina!”Owenstaresatme,eyeswide…

“youknowthewaysomementhinkwiththeirdicks?Wellithastheoppositeeffect….”

“Iknowwhatyoumean.”Hecutsmeoff.Ievengetasmileandtheshakeofhishead.

I’lltakethatresponseasapositiveespeciallyaftermymouthrunsoffagain.“Youdo
knowthatshe’sanadultandyoucanmakeherowndecisions…”

“I’msorry-saythatagain?DidyoujustcallMeaghananadult?Thatcan’tberight!”

Hesmileswiderthenlooksoutofthewindow.

“So,Grace.Howlonghaveyoubeenadancer?”

“Wow,aslongasIcanremember…”abreathblowsoutofmymouthasItrytothink

back.“Irememberbeingalittlegirlandalwaysdancingaroundtheroom.Iwasfixatedon
balletdancers.Iusedtowearlittletutu’sallthetime.IthinkIwasmaybefivewhenmy
Mumfinallygaveintomyplea…”

Owenstares,atwhat,I’mnottoosure-heseemstobelookingatmebutIthinkhe’s

insidehisownhead.“Owen?EarthtoOwen.”Wavingmyhandinfrontofhisfaceashe
snapsoutofit.

“SorryGrace,whatwereyousaying?”

“Erm?”Ifrown.“ThatIwasaroundfivewhenIstartedtodoballet.”Ifrown.“I’ma

goodlistenerifyouwanttotalk…?”

“No.I’mfine.”Thetaxipullstoastopatmyflat.“Thanksthough.”

“Well…thisisme.”Ismilesadly.“Thanksforsharing.”Ipullmypursefrommy

clutch,pullanoteoutandofferittohim.

Shakinghishead…“Putyourmoneyaway,I’llpaythefare.”

“Ican’tletyoudothat…”

“Yes,Ican.”Owencutsmeoff.“I’llpaywhenyougettheremate.”Thetaxidriver

nodshishead.

“Thanks.”

“You’rewelcomeGrace.”Hissmileislopsidedasonesideoffaceliftsslightly.

Shuttingthedoor,Iwaveandwatchthecarpullaway.SighingIturntowardsthedoor.

Ilieinbedawakeforwhatseemslikeforever,inrealityit’sprobablyhalfanhour.The

sadnessinhiseyeskeepsmefromdriftingoffeventhoughI’mknackered.Itrytoclear
mymindofeverything,himmainly,butalsoMeaghan’sstupidity,buteverytimeIclose
myeyesitcomesbackagain.Myhandscovermyeyes,tryingtomaketheroomdarker
butitstilldoesn’twork.Irollontomysideandpushmyhandsunderthepillow,onceI’m
warmandinacomfortablepositionIstarttodrift.Notfiveminuteslaterthoughthefront
doorbangsshutandthesoundofgigglingreachesmyears.I’msogonnakillherinthe
morning!

IwakeupfeelinglikeIhaven’tslept.Idragmytiredbodyfromthebedtomakea

much-neededcoffee.Rubbingmyeyes,walkingthroughthelivingroom,Iheadforthe
kitchentoputonthekettleandpreparemymug.WhilethekettleisboilingIopenacold
bottleofwateranddrinkitdown.Thekettleswitchesitselfoffasdrinkdownthelastbit.

“Ihopeyou’remakingmeone?”StartledtohearamalevoiceIswingaroundandsee

Rossstandingatthedoor.Ididn’texpecttoseehimthere,heneverusuallystays.

“No,justmyown.Whyareyoustillhere?”

“Meaghanaskedmetostay.”

“Andhowaboutyourgirlfriend,doessheknowwhoyoustayedwithlastnight?”I

lookfromhimandmakemycoffee.Ichanceaglanceathimandhiseyesarenarrowedat
me.Hitanervemaybe?

“Youdon’tlikememuchdoyou,Grace?”

“WhatevergaveyouthatideaRoss?”Ianswer,givinghimafakesmile.

“It’snothowyouthinkitisyouknow…”

“Idon’twanttoknow.”Icuthimoff.“Iknowyou’regoingtohurtmybestfriend

eventually,decideyoudoloveyourgirlfriend,thatI’mgoingtobelefttopickupthe
piecesandthat’snotfairsowhydon’tyoudoherafavourandfinishit.”

RosslookssmugasIfinishmypeptalk.“You’dlovethat.Maybeit’sbecauseshe’s

happyandyou’renot.”

“Howcanshebehappy?Knowingyougobacktoyourgirlfriendeverytimeand

probablytellherallthethingsyou’vejustsaidtoMeaghan.Peoplelikeyoumakeme
sick!”PickingupmymugfromthesideIpreparetowalkaway.

“Ithinkmaybeyou’rejustjealous,shehassomeoneandyoudon’t.You’regonnaend

upabitterandtwistedoldwomanwithjusthercats.”

Raisingmyeyebrowsathimandpokemyfingerinhischest.“Okayone,Idon’tlike

cats.Two,I’dprefertoendupaspinsterifitmeantforbeingwithsomeonelikeyouand
three,youreallyneedtogetoveryourselfpal!”Givinghimatight-lippedgrinIwalk
awaywithmycoffeeandheadbacktomybedroom.

Therestofthedaygoesbyinablurofmovies,coffeeandsleep.Aftermyruninwith

RossIheardhimleaveabouthalfanhourlaterandIdon’twhathesaidtoMeaghanbut
I’vebarelyseenher,I’mwaitingforthestormtocomenow.Sheshouldn’tbesurprised,
sheknowshowIfeelabouthimandIdotrytokeepmyopinionstomyself,butithard
whenhegivesmethatcockygrinlikehehasthepower.Fuckthat,Iwon’tseehimhurt
her.

It’salmosteightpm,Ipushfromthebedandknockherdoor.“Comein.”

PeeringaroundthedoorasIopenitIseeherlyingonthebed.“Hey,what’sup?”I

ask.

“IhearyouandRosshadarunin.”

“Ah,didhesnitchonme?”Shenods,Imakemywaytoherbedandliedownnext

toher.“Areyouangrywithme?”

“Notreally.Ihearditallsohecouldn’tjusttellmehissideofthings.”

“So,what’supthen?”

“I’mjustlyingherethinkingthat’sall.”

“About?”

Shelooksmyway.“Everything.Ididn’tlikehimcallingyoubitterandtwistedbecause

IknowyoubetterthanthatandIknowyou’refiercelyprotective,butIcan’tlethimgo
either,Ishould-Iknowthat.I’vetoldhimIneedtothinkaboutthingsforawhile.”
RestingmyheadonhershoulderItrytogivehersomecomfort.

“IwanttoseeyouhappyMeag,Ido…buthim-he’sjustusingyou.Hewantshiscake

andbiscuitsallrolledintooneandhe’sgettingit.There’sonlyonepersonwho’sgoingto
behurtinallthisandthat’syouandifthathappensImaypunchhiminthefaceorthe
ballswhateverseemsmoreappealingatthetime.

“IloveyouGrace,youknowthat?Icouldn’tstayangryatyouanyway,youknowthat.

Justbearwithme?IlovehimandIknowit’swrongbecausehedoesn’tbelongtomebutI
needtosortmyheadoutfirst.”

“Meaghan,you’vealwaysdonetherightthingandIpromiseIwon’tmention

dickface’snameagain.”Ikisshercheekandrolloffthebed.“I’mgoingintheshowerI
feellikeshit.”

“Okaybabe.”

“I’llalwaysbehereifyouneedme.”Isaybeforeleavingtheroom.

“Oh,hangonasec.Whowasthatguylastnight?”

“ThatwasOwen.TheHOTDad-hewasafriendofTom’s.”

“Really?Ididn’tseemuchofhim,butIlikeTom,he’sagoodman.”Shesays.Iraise

myeyebrowather.

“Heseemstobe.Hewasnice.Maybeyoushouldscrewhiminstead?!”Idon’tsay

anythingelseabouthiminsteadIwinkather.“I’mofftoshowerandgetanearlynight.”I
leavetheroom,grabatowelandheadfortheshower.

Ilieinbed,sleepy,refreshed,warmandcosyandit’snotlongbeforeI’mdriftingoff.

CHAPTERNINE

Owen

Monday

rolledaroundwaytooquick.Rightnow,I’mlyingawakeinbedwaiting

formyalarmtogooff,itdoesn’tgooffforanothertenminutesthough,it’sonlyfivefifty
am.MyhandsfoldbehindmyheadasIthink,alldayyesterdayElladidn’tleavemyside.
It’snotoftensheleavesmeovernightsoassoonasshewokeupshewasringingme.At
leastIhadn’tdrunkmuchsotherewasnohangover,butassoonasIheardherlittlevoice
myheartmeltedasitalwaysdoes.I’msuchapushoverwhereEllaisconcerned.

Ican’tliehereforeversoIgetupinstead.IopenthedoortoElla’sroomandseeher

sleepingsoundly.Herchestrisesandfallsassheliesstarfishinthebed,herblondehair
fanningonthepillow.Iwatchherforafewmoreminutesshelookspeacefulwhenshe
sleeps.Ipulldoortowardsmeandstepfromtheroom,IlethersleepabitlongerwhileI
makecoffeeandgetherbagreadyfordancelaterontonight.

OnceeverythingisreadyIlookdownatmywatch,sixthirty.Ipouranothercupof

coffeeastwoarmswraparoundmylegs.“Dadddyy.”

“Goodmorningbabygirl.”Shestretchesherarmsouttome,Iliftherupandholdher

againstme.Shewrapsherlittlelegsaroundmeasherarmsflingaroundmyneck.Shefits
herheadintothecrookofmyneckandIkissherhead.Herbrowishottotouchthough,
“areyoureadyforsomebreakfast?”herheadshakes,“What’swrong?”

“Idon’tfeelwellDaddy.”Walkingtowardsthetable,Iplaceherdowninthechairat

thetablethenmakehercocopops.Sheneversaysnotococopops.Iturnassherubsher
eyes.

“Areyoutiredbabygirl?”shenods.“DoyouwantmetoringNannaseeifshecansit

withyouwhileDaddygoestowork?Youcanliedownandwatchdvd’s,yeah?”Shenods.

“OkayyoueatyourbreakfastandI’llringher.”Ileaveherinthekitchentoeather

cocopops,ringthenurserytotellthemshewon’tbethere,it’sonlydaynurseryanyway.
Maybedoingdancethreetimesaweekistoomuchforher?Iaskmyself.Next,Iringmy
mum.Shepicksuponthethirdring.“Hellosweetheart.”

“HiMum.Areyoubusytoday?”

“Ineedtoworkthisafternoon,what’swrong?”

“Elladoesn’tseemtoowell,she’sreallytired,she’snotherself.”

“Icanhaveherthismorning.”

“OkaycanyoucomeherethoughinaboutanhourandI’llringRachelifnotI’lltake

halfadayit’snotaproblem.”

“Ofcourse,son,seeyousoon.”IclickoffandgobacktoElla,shehasn’ttouchedher

breakfast.”PickingherupfromthechairItakehertothesetteeandlieherdownona
cushion.Grabbingherfavouriteprincessblanket,Ilayitoverherandwatchhersnuggle
underit,shedozesbackofftosleepalmostassoonassheliesdown.Sittingontheedgeof
theseat,Ifeelhertemperatureagain;She’shot.“Daddy.”Ellagroans.“Mytummy
hurts.”FindingthecalpoloutforElla,Itakethebottleofparacetamolwithmeanda
medicinespoonandsitbackdownbymybaby.

“SitupforDaddy,”ShedragsherselfupoffthesofasoIgivehersomemedicine.I

kissherandgoupstairstogetchanged.Iwashanddressinasuitandcomedownstairsto
drinktherestofmycoffee.IgrabsometoastwhileIwaitformyMothertoturnup.

HearingMumpullupoutsideIkissandhugherintomychest.“Ihavetogotowork

babygirlbutI’llbebacklater,okay?Nanna’sherenow.”

“OkayDaddy.Loveyouthismuch.”Shetellsmeweaklyassheopensherarmsas

wideasshecan,makingmesmile.Ihatetoseeherpoorly.

“Yeahwell,Daddylovesyoumorethanthat.”Herfacelightsupwarmingmyheartas

shealwaysdoes.IgrabmybriefcaseandpassMumonthewayout.“She’sonthesettee,
shehastummyachebutshe’shadcalpolI’llbebackafterlunch.”Ikissheronthecheek
andthankherthenI’minthecarandonmyway.

“GoodmorningOwen.”

“MorningJenny.Canyougetmeacoffeeplease?”

“Yeahofcourse.”Igetsettledatmydeskandrunthroughthemailonmydeskthat

Jennyhasleftthere,thenseetomyemails.JennyplacesmycoffeedownasIrunthrough
myappointmentlistandseewhatifthere’sanythingthatcanwaitforanotherday.

“Jenny,canyourearrangetheseformeplease,I’llneedtogetgoingatlunchtime,

Ella’spoorly.”

“Ohno,what’swrongher?”

“JustabugIthink.She’stiredandsaidshe’sgottummyachesoshe’sathomewithher

Nanna.”

“Giveherlotsofcuddlesfrommethen.Icouldhaverearrangedthemallforyousave

youleavingherIknowhowmuchyouhateit.”

“Nothere’sacouplethatneedhandlingtodaybutthanks,Idon’tknowwhatI’ddo

withoutyou,Jenny.”

“You’llneverhavetofindout.”Shesmilesandleavesmetostartmyday.

Thereisaknockatthedoor,Jennypopsherheadaroundthedoor.“Owenareyoufree

fortenminutes?”LookingdownatmywatchIseeIhavehalfanhourbeforemynext
appointment.

“Yes,iseverythingokay?”

“Ohyes,MrMartinsisheretoseeyou.”

“Right,showhiminthenplease.”AcoupleminuteslaterthedooropensagaintoTom

walkingthroughit.“WhatdoIowethepleasure?”

“IthoughtI’dpopinwhileIwaspassing.”

“Really…amIsupposedtobelievethat?”

“ItwasgoodtoseeyououtSaturdaynight.”

“Itwasanalrightnight.”

“Whatwerethechancesofyouknowingthecutebitofstuffthatwasthere.”

“Hey,hername’sGrace.”Tomgetsastrangelookandpointsitatmecuriouslyraising

hiseyebrow.“Doyouwantacoffee?”

“Haveyougottime?”Heasksobviouslyneedingtochat.

“Icangiveyoutwenty-fiveminutes.”Itellhimlookingatmywatch.

“Yesthen.”IcallthroughtoreceptionandaskJennytograbTomacoffeeashechats

awayaboutRoss,tellingmehe’sawasteofspaceemployeeandisalwayslatebuthe’sa
goodsalesman.

“Youknowhehasagirlfriendwithababyontheway,don’tyou?”Leaningbackinmy

chairIshakemyhead.

“Nope,Idon’tknowhimthatwell.Ithinkhe’sacockylittleshitthoughandthat

Grace’sfriendcoulddomuchbetter.IalsoknowthatGracedoesn’tlikehim.”

“YeahshetoldmeprettymuchthatonSaturdaybeforeyouturnedupandtookallher

attention.”Hewinkswithasmirk.“I’dgotherinthepalmofmyhand.Thenyoucame
alongandshewasswooningalloveryou.”

“Shutthefuckup.No,shewasnot.Ididn’thavemuchtosay.”

“Dude,youdidn’thaveto-youareasexymotherfuckerevenIdosaysomyself.”

Smirking,Ishakemyheadathim.

“Ah,Ididn’trealiseyoufeltthatwayTom.”Ilaugh.“Yeahwell,Idon’tthinkyou’ve

gotanyworriesfrommebeinganycompetition,doyou?”Drinkingdowntherestofmy
coffeeandthinkingaboutGraceremindsmethatIneedtotellherthatEllawon’tbethere
tonight.Thephoneringsandbreaksmeoutofmytrance.Answeringit,Jennyannounces
my11:30ishere.“Mynextappointmentishere.Givemearinglaterbutonlyifyou
promisenottoplaymatchmaker.”

“Okayyouwin.”hepushesthechairbackwardsandwalksouttheroomshouting

‘later’.

Rushingthroughthedoorattwelveforty-five,Idropmybriefcasebythedoorand

enterthelivingroom.Mumissittingwithhercoatonwaitingforme.“Mum,I’msosorry
I’mlate.Mylastappointmentranover.

“Ohhoney,it’sfine.IgrabbedasandwichsoI’llgostraighttoworkfromhere.”She

kissesEllaontheforeheadjustlikesheusedtodotomewhenIwasakid.Ellaholdsonto
herneckandhugshertight.Shekissesmeonthecheekasshewalkspastmetellingmeto
ringherlater.ImakemywaytoElla,pickherupandplaceheronmylap.

“How’reyoufeelingnowbabygirl?”

“Okay.”Sheanswersinasmallvoice.Aftersomecuddles,Ilayherbackdownonthe

setteeandpulltheblanketuptoherchin.“Gotosleepsweetheart,you’llfeelbetterlater.”
Iheadupstairs,stripoutofmysuitandchangeintosomeshortsandat-shirt.

BythetimeIgobackdown,she’sgonebacktosleep.Imakecoffeeandflickthrough

thechannelsontheTV,sittingattheendofthesetteewhileEllasleeps.

CHAPTERTEN

Grace

“I

havetogo,I’mrunninglate.Atthisrate,Iwon’tgetanytrainingin.”Ishoutto

MeaghanasIrunpasthertowardsthefrontdoor.Iquicklyjumpinmycarafterrunning
downtwoflightsofstairswithmybagstothecarparkanddriveout.HowIdidn’tgo
headfirst,it’samiracle.Runningdownstairsreallyshouldn’ttiremeoutafterallthe
dancingIdo,butitdoes.Isitforaminutegettingmybreathbackbeforestartingthe
engine.

Igettothebuilding,unloadmycarandrealisethere’sonlyhalfanhourbeforethekids

gethere.IwaslaterthanIthought.I’mnotgoingtodoanytraininginnow.Bugger!After
unlockingthedoor,Igobacktothecarandunloadmystuff.IgrabmyCDplayer,my
trainingbagandtheotherbagwithmyCD’sin.Tryingtojuggleeverythinginmyhands
isastruggle.WhydidIhavethatextrabottleofwinelastnight?Thatwould-be
Meaghan’sfault!

ItrytobeherebetweeneightthirtyandnineamonaSaturdaymorningsoIhave

plentyoftime.Idragthetwobagsoutofthecarasacarpullsontothecarpark.Idon’t
seeanyonegetoutasI’mbendingdownpickingupstuff.

“Wouldyoulikeahand?”Startled,Ispringuptothesoundofthevelvetvoicefrom

behindmeandslowlyturntofacehim.

“Hi,erm,thatwouldbegreatthanks.”

“Ello,Gwace.”ShewavesasOwengrabsmytrainingbag.

“HiElla.Imissedyouthisweek.”

“Iwassick.”Hermouthtwists.

“Ohdear.Areyoubetternow?”

“Yep.Lots.”Shesmiles,thenrunsofftowardstheopendoorandleavesmewith

Owen.

“I’msolatethismorning.”Isayblowingoutabreath,“whatwaswrongwithher,

nothingseriousIhope?”

“No,justabug,Ithink.Ikeptheroffforafewdays,itwasafighttokeepherawayon

ThursdaynightbutImanagedit…Ihadtopromisetobringherthismorning,otherwiseI
wouldn’thaveheardtheendofit.”

“Aww,blessher.She’ssosweet.”Igrin.Owenpushesopenthedoorinsideandholdsit

open.“Thanks.”DroppingmybagandplacingtheCDplayerinthecorneronthefloorI
headouttothemachinebutOwenhasbeatenmetoit.

“What’syourpoison,teaorcoffee?”

“Coffeeplease,cappuccino.”Handingmycoffeetome,Itakethefirstsip.“Ahh,that’s

nice…Ineededthat.”Hesmilesashewatchesme.“Well,I’mnotgoingtodobedoing
anytrainingsoIbettergetreadyforclasstostart.”

“Yeah,sorry.Idon’twanttokeepyou.Ineedtopopout,isthatokay?”

“Yeahofcourse,Ellawillbefine.”

“Okay.”Henods,smilesagainthenturnstowalkaway.

“Thanksagainforthecoffee.”Heturnsbackandsmilesatme.WOW.Shakingmy

head,Iturnaroundandwalkbackintothedancehalltothekidsthathavenowstarted
filteringin.

Classgoesreallywellthismorning,therewasonlyahandfulofkidsthismorning-

theyallmust’vewantedaliein.Ah,thatwouldbenice!Iturnthemusicdownandtellthe
kidstomakesuretheyhavetheirthingstogetherreadyfortheparents.Openingthedoor
Owenisthenearestoneandhe’swavingapaperbag.Thekidsfilteroutpastmeshouting
bye-allbutElla,who’spractisinghandstandsagainstthewall.

“Becareful,Ella.”Owenshoutstoher,“Wouldyoulikeone?”HeopensthebagasI

peerinside.

“Jamdoughnuts?”Iaskhimasheraiseshiseyebrowsandgrins.

“Ithoughtyouneededsomethingthismorning,youlookedalittletired.”

“Oh,well…yeahthat’sMeaghanandwine.Notmybestidea.”

Hecloseshiseyes,“I’msorrythat’ssoundedbad.Notmyproudestmoment….”

“Daddy,canGwacecometoDonald’swivus?”

“Erm,I’mnotsureifshewantsto,she’sprobablygotthingstodoElla.”Helooksat

herasshetipsupsidedownagain.“Ella,getdownnow,please.”Shetipsherselfbackup
tostanding,herfaceredfrombeingupsidedown.

“Peeeaasse,Gwace.”

“Erm…I’mnotsure.”IglanceatOwenhopinghecanhelpmeoutbuthejusttipshis

headononeside.

Shrugging…“Idon’tmind,really.She’llonlykeepbegging.”

“Idon’twanttointrudeonyourday.”

“You’renot,Grace.”Hebreathesinandlooksawayforasecond.“I’dlikeyoutocome

withus.”Lookingatthesincerityinhiseyesswaysmeandasmilepullsatmymouth.

“Okay,letmegetmystufftogether.Idon’treallywanttotraintodayanyway.”He

smileswide,Ibiteonthecornerofmylipasmytummyflutters.HIsgazeconnectswith
mineaswestandlookingateachother.Suddenlybreakingtheconnection,heturnsto
Ella.

“ComeonthenElla,”helooksbackatme,“shallwemeetyouthere?”

“Erm…”strugglingtogetmybraintocomply,“Yeah…yeah,I’lljustgetmybags

together.”OwentakesElla’shandandwalksherouttothecarsmilingshylyashewalks
pastme.Idon’tknowwhatitisabouthimbutherendersmestupid.Onelookinhiseyes
andIcompletelyforgetwhoIam.

Iquicklythroweverythinginmybagandlockupthebuilding.Openingtheboot,I

placeeverythinginside,sitinthedriver’sseat,trytopullmyselftogetherandmakemy
waytotheMcDonaldsonthemainroad.

Pullingontothecarpark,IseeOwenstandingwithEllaoutsideofthedoorswaiting

forme.Ipullintoaspaceandgetout.AsIapproachthemEllarunsatmeandjumpsup.
“Ella,no.”

“It’sfine,honestly.”Grabbingher,Icarryherintotherestaurant.“Whatyouhaving,

sweetie?”

“Nuggets!”sheshoutsandIlaughather.

“Shealwayshasnuggets.Whatwouldyoulike?”

“Ohno,it’sfineOwen,really.Icangetit.”

“Grace,Ididn’taskifyoucouldgetit,Iaskedwhatyouwouldlike.Mytreat.Wedid

putyouonthespotbackthere.”

“Alright,”Ismilegivinguprathereasily.“I’llhaveaMcChickensandwichmealplease

withacoke.”

“Fatcokeorthincoke?

“Fatcoke.”Ismile.Hedoesthatlopsidedsmilehedoes…ohgod,I’msuchagonerfor

him.PullyourselftogetherGrace.We’refriends.“I’llfindusatable.Elladoyouwantto
comewithmeandgetthestrawsandnapkins?”

“Yeah!Tomatasauceaswell!”

“Okaythen.”Inod.Shegetsthestraws,Igetthesaucesandwebothgrabsome

napkinsthensitdownatthetableandwaitforOwen.

AfewminuteslaterOwensitsdownoppositemeasEllaissittingnexttome.Heputs

thehappymealboxinfrontofherasIhelpheropenitandgetherfoodout.

“Thanks.”

“You’rewelcome.It’snobigdeal.”Openingourownfood,westarttoeat.

“So,Gracetellme,howlonghaveyouknownMeaghan?”

“Hmm,awhile.Aroundtwoorthreeyears.Iwaslookingforaroommate,she

answeredtheadvert.Wehititoff,she’squitewildbutshe’sagoodfriend.Wetelleach
othereverythingandshedoesn’tholdbackwhenIsay…everything,butIloveherto
pieces.”

“Youseemclose.Itakeityoudon’tlikeherboyfriendthough?”

“Youpickeduponthat,huh?LastSundaywhenIwokeuphewasatourflat,hestayed

overapparently.Ijustdon’tlikewhathestandsfor,Idon’ttrusthim-atall.”Bitinginto
mysandwichputsacloseonthatpartoftheconversation.

“Youdon’thideitatall,it’squiteobvious”Ismilearoundmysandwich.

Chewingwhat’sleftinmymouth,“Idon’thavetohideit,ifhedoesn’tlikeit,it’snot

myproblem.Tom’snicethough.”

“Yeah,he’soneofthegoodguys.He’sbeenthereformethroughalotlately.”He

frowns.It’sfunnywatchingOwen,he’slikeanopenbookmostofthetime,butit’slike
somethingpassesoverhimandheclamsup,likenow.Helowershisgazebacktohisfood
andcarriesoneating.ConversationoverunlessIcanthinkofsomethingtobridgethegap.

“Canmehavemoreofdis,Daddy?”Sheholdsupthepotforsomemoreketchup.

“It’s‘CanI’andyesyoucan.”Hiseyesgoashadebrighterwheneverhelooksathis

daughter,they’rehappy,nosadnessliketherenormallyislingeringinthedepths.I’m
dyingtofindouthisstorybutIforcemyselfnottoask,especiallywithEllabeinghere.

“I’llgetitsweetie.”SlidingfromtheseatIgrabhersomemoreketchupandplaceit

backonthetableinfrontofher,Ismileasshedipshernuggetinthesaucethentakesa
bite.IdigbackintomyfoodfortherestofourshorttimetogetherasOwensmilesatme.

CHAPTERELEVEN

Owen

Walking

outsideMcDonalds,EllagrabsontoGrace’shandaswewalktoourcars.

“Idon’twantGwacetogo.”EllawhineandGracelooksatme.

“Ihavetosweetie.Ihavelotstodotoday.I’vegotwashingandIneedtocleanmy

flat.”

“Habyounotgotahouse?”Sheopensherarmswide.

“No,it’slikeasmallerhousebutwithnostairs.”

“Ahh.”IsmileasshetakesinwhatIsay.“Daddy,canwegoNanna’s?”

“Yes,sweetpea.”Wewalkalittlefurtherondowntomycar,IgetEllastrappedinto

theseatandshutthedoor,EllabangsthewindowandwavestoGrace.

“Well.Thanksforjoiningus,Ella’senjoyedherself.”

Shenods.“Anytime,Ishouldbethankingyoutwo,maybeIcanreturnthefavourone

day.”ThethoughtofseeingherwithoutEllaaroundisappealing,thisisabitdifferent
thoughtogoingoutwithfriends,whatifImessitup…IrealiseIstillhaven’tanswered
whenshefrownsanddipsheadandlooksatthefloor.“It’sokay,obviouslyyoudon’thave
to,itwasjustanidea.”Shelooksatherwatch.“Ibettergetgoing,lookatthetime….”

Cuttingoffherrambling.“Grace?”shelooksbackatme.“I’dloveto.”Aslowsmile

formsonherface.God,IhopeIcandothis.ThisisthefirsttimeI’vebeenonadatewith
awomaninfouryears.“AreyoubusynextSaturdaynight?”Iaskshuttingoutthevoice
inmyhead.

“Iamnow.I’dlikethat.”somestrandsofhairblowintoherfaceasourgazeshold

eachothertothespot.Iliftmyhandtomoveherhairfromherprettyfacebutstopand
pushitintomypocketinstead.

“Daddy,let’sgo.”Ellashouts,bangingonthewindow.

“You’dbettergo.”ShesmileswideasshewatchesElla.Hersmileissopretty,she

bitesherlipandgetsherkeysfromherbag.Well,I’llseeyoubothMonday.”

“Erm…yeah.B…bye.”ShesmilesatthebumblingfoolthatIamandgetsinhercar.

HercarpullsawayandoffthecarparkwhileI’mstillstandingthere.Myheadshakes,I
openthedoorandstarttheengine.“ReadyforNanna’sbabygirl?”

“Yeahhh.”

“So,Owen.Ella’sbeentellingmeallaboutGrace.”Mumsaysfishingforinformation.

“Ohyeah?”Actingnonchalant.

“Yeah,thatyouwenttoDonald’stodayafterdance.”

“WealwaysgotoMcDonaldsafterdanceonaSaturday,it’shertreat.”Ishrug.

“DoesGracealwaysgotoo?”Ilookacrossather…

“Whateveryou’retryingtoask,justaskit.Lookyou’retheonewhokeepstellingmeI

needtomeetnewpeopleandIshouldtrydating.Ugh.”StandingupfromthechairIwalk
intothekitchen.

“Son,don’tgetdefensive.”Sheanswersinasoftvoiceasshefollowsmein.“Iwas

justasking.Ellaseemstolikeher.”

“Shedoes-alot.”Ilookatheranddecidetoputheroutofhermisery.“Willyouhave

EllanextSaturdaynight?I’m…I’mtakingherout.”Ishrug.

“Owenthat’sgreat.”Ifeelthefrownformingonmybrow,“what’swrong?”

“WhatifIforgetherMum.WhatifeverythinggoeswellwithGraceandweget

together-thenwhat,whatifIforgetallthethingsIlovedaboutVic?”

“Ohsweetheart.You’renevergoingtoforgetthelittlethings.It’swhatmadeher

Victoria.”

Shuttingdownthatpartofmymemoriesjustforalittlewhile,IthinkaboutGrace.

“She’sreallysweetandpretty,she’sgoodwithElla,notjustwithherdancingeither,she
talkstoher.Shemakesmesmile,sheramblesonallthetimeatliketenwordsper
second.”

“Hangon?”shecutsmeoff,“IthoughtyouonlymetheratElla’sdanceclass?”

“Oh,whenIwentoutwithTomlastweek,shewastherewithherfriend.Herbest

friendisseeingoneofhisfriends…”

“Ahh,soyou’vehadapartdatethen?”

“NoMother.ThisiswhyIdidn’twanttotellyou,youlookfurtherintothings.”

“Okay,Iwon’tanymore.DoesEllaknow?”

“Mum,”Isayonasigh,“She’sfour,shedoesn’tneedtoknow.Zipit.”Iplacemy

fingeragainstherlipsasshelooksinnocentlyatme.“Inoticedtoday-it’seasywithElla
around,she’sachatterbox,Idon’tgetstuckforwords.”Ilookaroundthedoorandseeher

playingwithmyDad,she’sclimbingalloverhim,smilingIturnbacktoMum.“Ihaveso
manyconflictedfeelingsallthetime.ShouldI,shouldn’tI?IsitfaironEllaforsomeone
elsetobearound-Imeanapartfromallthephoto’sshedoesn’tknowherMum,it’smy
memories-myfeelings.Isthatfaironher?”Iseetheglassylookinhereyesandrealise
allthisisn’tfaironMumeither.Herarmswraparoundmywaistassherestsherhead
againstmychest,Ilookdownassheswipesathereyes.

“I’msorryson.”

“It’snotyourfault.Ineedtofindawayofgettingitoveritmyself.Myheartisempty

apartfromEllaandshecanonlyholdsomuchofit,therestofitisn’tevenVic’sanymore
apartfromanotherfractionofit.”Shrugging…“It’snotlikeI’mbeingpushedintotaking
outGrace-I’mnot.Iwanttodothisformyself.It’sjustsohard,Mum.”Shepullsme
downbymyheadandkissesmycheek.HearingEllachucklingfromplayingwithher
Grandadmakesmesmile.Webothlookaroundthedoor.

“MaybeyoushouldgiveGrandadabreaknow.”Ishouttomydaughterassheclimbs

offhisbackandrunstome.Iholdmyarmsopenandshejumpsintothem.

“Whatthematter,Daddy.Youlooksad?”

“Ihaveyou,don’tI?”Shenods.“I’mnotsadthen.”Ikissherthenholdhertighttome.

“Daddy,youqueezingme.”Shegiggles.Ilosemyholdonher.“Daddy,whenweget

home,canIdwethup?”

Hearingherlisp,Ismile.Itonlycomesouteverynowandagain.“Ofcourse,youcan.”

Shejumpsdownfrommyarmsandgoesbacktotormentinghergrandadwhilehe’strying
toreadthenewspaper.

Theweekdragsbyattheslowestpaceever!I’mnotsurewhy,Iwasn’tabletopickup

Ellafromnurseryordancethisweekbecauseofclients.WorkspickingupandI’m
strugglingwiththejugglingofitall.It’sasifallofasudden,companieshaveheardofme,
wantadviceandtotrymeoutfortheiraccounts.I’vegottoomuchworkforjustmebut
notenoughtobringsomeoneelsein.AtthreethirtyIpackupmydeskandheadoutofthe
door,asIpassJenny’sdeskIstop.“I’moffJenny,I’vehadenoughthisweek.”

“Okay.AreyouandElladoinganythingnicethisweekend?”

“Shehasdanceinthemorningbutthenshe’llbestayingthenightatmyparents.”

“Ohnice.Yougoinganywherenice?”

“Iknowwhatyou’reupto,you’relikemymother.”Ismirk.“I’llletyouknow

Monday,how’sthat.”SmirkingknowingI’vecaughtherout,shenods.“Hm.Okay.Have
agoodtime.”Thesmirkturnsintoafull-blownsmileasIshakemyheadandwalkaway.

Dinner’sbeencooked.Ellahashadherbath,theevidenceallovermeandshe’snowin
bed.Myt-shirtiswetfromwhereshe’ssplashedme.Ipullitoffovermyheadandsitin
justmyjoggers.IwonderifTom’souttonight.Thesetimesaretheloneliest,whenit’s
quiet.Ellaislikeatribeallonherownsomedaysbutit’swaytooquietrightnow.

Grabbingmyphone,Ipullupmycontacts,asIscrollthroughforTom’snumber,Ipass

Grace’s.Stopping,Iopenuptheinformation.Iclickonthemessagebox.DoItexther?
WhatdoIsay,hi?Whatthefuck-howlameisthat!Iplaceitbackdownbutwithin
minutesI’mpickingitbackup.Lookingagainatthesamecontactname,wonderingagain
whattowrite.Whatifshe’sout?Iputitbackdownandgointothekitchen.Openingthe
fridgedoor,Igrababeerfromthefridge.Openingthecan,Isitbackdowninfrontofthe
tellyandflickthroughforafilm.Taken-LiamNeeson,that’lldo.Twentyminutesinto
thefilmI’mrestless,IpickthephoneupagainbutthistimegostraighttoTom’snumber.

Me:Himateareyououttonightorwithahotdate?

Iwaitfortenminutesbutnoanswer.Tryingtoconcentrateonthefilmyetagain,my

mindstrays.IthinkI’veunlockedthisphonefivetimessinceIfirstthoughtofsending
Graceatext.Fuckit!Manup!

Me:Hi

Me:Howareyou?

Iwaitagain-nothing.Shit,I’mpopular.Igrabmycanandliebackintothecornerof

thesettee,getcomfyandwatchthefilm,I’msureshe’sbusywithherfriend.

CHAPTERTWELVE

Grace

“He’s

textme!”IsayasIlookatmyphonesurprised.

“Whohas?”Meaghanasksdisinterested.

“Youknowyoucouldatleastlooklikeyou’rebothered.Owen,thesingledad.He’s

justah,gorgeous!”Iswoon.“What’swrongwithyou?”IaskasMeaghanscrewshernose
up.

“You.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyouwiththatlookonyourface.”

“He’sreallyniceMeag,Ilikehim.He’skind,goodlooking,afabulousDad,I’msure

hehasabeautifulbodyunderthatsuitIalwaysseehimin.I’dlovetoseehimoutofit
though…”staringintospace,sheclicksherfingersinfrontofmyface.Frowningather
fromdraggingmefrommysexythoughts.“I’msurehedoesn’tthinkofmelikethat
though,I’msonotprettyenoughforthelikesofhim.”

“Shutup,yousillycow!You’regorgeous!You’relikeareal-lifetinkerbell.”

“That’ssonotfunny.”Ifrownwhileshepopsopenabottleofwine.“ItoldyouI

wasn’tdrinkingtonight.IwasuselesslastSaturday,thekidsshowedmeup-theywere
better.”

“Stopbeingalightweightman!Whoelsewilldrinkwithme?”Shepoursmeaglass

andhandsittome.“So,areyougoingtoopenthetext?”

“What?”LiftingtheglasstomymouthItakeaswig.Yeah,IknowIdidn’ttakemuch

persuading,didI?!”

“Thetext?!”

“Ohshit,yeah!He’llthinkI’mnotinterested!”Iquicklyopenmyphonetotwotextsto

see‘hi’and‘howareyou?’Twentyminutesago?!

“What’shesay?”

“Hi,andasked,howIwas…”

“Bigtalker,huh!”CapturingmylipinbetweenmyteethIglanceup,“whatifhe’s

changedhismind,Meag?”

“Idon’tknow,askhim?”

“Ican’tjustsay‘OhheythereOwen,what’sup…stillwannatakemeouttomorrow?!

You’resuchamoron!”

“Idon’tknowdoI,texthimbackandfindout!”

Ignoringthetwatthat’ssupposedtobemyfriend,Itakeaswigofmywine-alittle

Dutchcourage…thenopenthetextbackup.

Me:Hey.I’mgoodhowaboutyourself?”

Iholdmyphoneinmyhandandwaittoseeifitgoesoffagain.

Iwait…

Andwait…

Nothing.SighingIplacemyphonedown.

“Awatchedphoneneverringsyouknow.”

“What?No,that’sawatchedkettleneverboils.”

“Isn’titthesamething?”Frowning,Ishrug.

“Uh,Isupposeso!”Iopenthetextupagain,maybeI’vehadatextandithasn’tcome

throughandI’vesomehowmissedit.Nope,nothing.“Maybethattextwasmeantfor
someoneelse?”

“Nah,maybehewasjustboredsohetextsyouinstead?”Meaghanlaughs.

“Cheekybitch.”Istillsmilewithherthough.Myphonevibratesagain.

Owen:Hey.Yesthanks.Iwasjustmakingsureyoustillwantedtogoout

tomorrownight?

Me:Yes!Definitely.HowshouldIdress?

Ianswerhistextstraightback.Desperatemuch…

Itvibratesagain.

Owen:Iwasthinkingarestaurant.DoyoulikeItalian?

Me:IloveItalian.

Owen:Italianitisthen.I’llpickyouupat7?

Me:Yep,soundsgoodtome.

Owen:Ok.Sendmeyouraddress.

Me:Hm.You’renotastalker,areyou?

Owen:Well,ifIwasIwouldhavemadesureI’drememberedwhereIdropped

youoffinthetaxilastweekend,butluckilyforyouIcanonlyvaguelyremember…

Oh,humour.Ilikeit.Ismile.

“Stopsmilingatyourphone,weirdo.You’refreakingmeout.”

“Ohshush.Whyareyousogrumpytonightanyway?”

“I’mnot.”Sheisnotgoingtosourmymood,Ireadthemessageagainanswerhislast

text.

Me:Oh,that’sokthen.LOL

Itapawayatmyphoneandsendhimtheaddress.

Me:IsEllanotcominginthemorning?

Idon’tgetonebackstraightawaysoIgrabthebottleofwineandtopourglassesup.

AsItakeagulpitvibratesagain.

Owen:Yeah,she’llbethere.Seeyouinthemorning,brightandearly.

Me:Always…

Placingmyphonebackdownonthearmofthesettee,Idrinkmywineandsettleback

downwithasmileonmyface.

“Sowhyishesingle?”Meaghanasks.“Imean,fromwhatIcanrememberhe’sagood-

lookingman.”

“HowcanyourememberyouhadyourfacestucktoRoss’thewholetimeOwenwas

there!”

“Ididnot.”

“Anyway,he’scomingtopickmeuptomorrownightsoifyou’rearoundyoucanmeet

him…butpleasebenice.Idon’twanttoscarehimaway.”Shegrabsthecushionfrom
nexttoherandthrowsit.LaughingItaunther…“missedme.”

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

Owen

Shit

.HaveIdonetherightthing?Ican’texactlysendheratextbackandsayI’ve

changedmymind,she’llthinkI’marightdickthen.,orrunningforthehills.Fuck,fuck,
fuck!Myheadrestsinmyhandsindefeat,andI’veonlysentatext.Aheavysighslips
frommymouth.

“Daddy?”Ellaisstandingnexttomerubbinghereyes.

“Ohhey.”Isaytohersoftly,puttingmyphonebackdown.Iliftherontomylapand

laybackwithheragainstthesetteeasshecuddlesuptome.“What’swrong?”

“Ihadabaddream…”Sheyawns.

“Canyourememberwhatitwasabout?”Herheadshakesashereyescloseagain.I

kissthetopofherheadtenderlyandlethergobacktosleepinmyarms.Ioftenwonder
whatitwould’vebeenlikeifVicwasstillhere,IthinkwhatlifewouldbelikeifIdidn’t
haveElla-eitherofthemandIcan’t.It’slikeEllahasalwaysbeenhere.Thesethoughts
wererampantwhenIfirstlostVictoria.Wasitmyfault,somethingIdid-ordidn’tdo?
Whoknows,whatIdoknow;Ihadtostopblamingmyselfalongtimeago,otherwiseI
wouldneverhavecoped.Idon’tthinkIeverdidcompletely.

WhatwillGracethinkwhenItellherthatVicdied,willshefeelsorryforme?Idon’t

wantpity;that’sthelastthingIwant.Ohfuck,myheadistotallymessedup.Ijustdon’t
know.GraceisthefirstwomantoevengainalittleinterestfrommeandIhaven’taclue
why,sheseemssodifferentbutwhatifwithoutElla,Ican’tmakeanyconversation.God,
I’msoscrewed.Fuckallthisthinking!Myphonegoesoffagain,luckilyonsilentwith
Ellabeingasleepinmyarms.PullingmyarmfromunderherImanagetopressthebutton
onmyphonetolightupthescreen:Tom:What’sup?

Insteadofansweringhimrightaway,IstandwithEllastillinmyarmsandcarryherto

bed,pullthecoversuptoherchinandkisshergoodnight.Shealwaysbringsasmileto
facenomatterhowdownIam.Sheisandalwayswillbe,themostpreciousthinginmy
life.

HeadingbackdownstairsIsitbackdown,grabmyphoneandreplytohistext.

Me:Heyyoubusy?

IgrabanothercanfromthefridgeandwaitforTom.Myphoneringsthistimethough.

“Hellomate.”

“What’sthecrisis?”

“Whosaidtherewasacrisis?”

“Shutthefuckupyounevertextme.”

“Okay…”Icuthimoff.“YourememberGracefromtheotherweekend?”

“CourseIdo!”Hescoffs.

“Well,I’mtakingherouttomorrownight.”Hedoesn’tsayanything,ifIknowTom

he’ssmilingatthephoneorsaying,‘abouttime’underhisbreath.“I’mnotsureit’sagood
ideathough.”

“Hangon.Whendidyoudecidethis?”

“LastSaturdaywhenIpickedupElla.”

“I’mimpressed.Lookdon’treadtoomuchintothingsjusttakeheroutkeepitlightand

enjoyit,ifitdoesn’tworkoutoritfeelsuncomfortablethenpartasfriends…thensend
hermyway!”Hesayslaughing.

“Dick.Okaythanksman.”

“I’mnottoosurewhatadviceIcangivebutI’mhereforyou.”

“Iknow.Seeyoulater.”

“I’llpopbyMonday.Laters.”

Icutthecall,openmybeerandwatchtherestofthefilminsteadofdwellingon

everything,Ihavetodothis.

IthastobearoundtenyearssinceI’vebeenonadate,I’manervouswreck,ahh!My

handsscrubovermyface.I’vebeensatinthecarnowforthelastfiveminutesplucking
upthecouragetogetout.IcouldbarelyevenlookatGracethismorningwhenIdropped
Ellaoff,sowhenIpickedherupImadeapointofsayingIwasinahurry-confirmed
detailsfortonightandhot-taileditoutofthere.IdroppedEllaoffatNanna’searlybut
stayedtherewithheraslongasIcould,notbecauseIdidn’twanttoleaveherbutbecause
whileIwasthereitstoppedmethinkingtoomuch.Thethoughtsinmyheadjustwouldn’t
quietendown.

“Manup.Justgetoutofthecarandgoupthere.”Steppingfromthecar,Istraighten

myshirt,rubmysweatypalmsonmyjeansandtakethebunchofflowersfromtheback
seat.Lockingthecar,Iwalktowardsthedoorsandgoin.OnceI’mstandinginfrontof
herdoor,Iblowoutacalmingbreathandknock.ThedooropenstoGraceinablackdress,
itsitsjustaboveherkneeandhugseveryoneofhercurves.Myeyestravelupherbody

untilIrealiseIhaven’tspoken.“Hi.Erm,youlookfantastic.”Handingherthebunch
flowers,hertiltstothesideasshesmilesatme.

“Thosearebeautiful,thankyou.Youlookprettygoodyourself.”Sheputsintothe

flowersandsniffsasshelooksupatme.Smilingsheturnsawaytograbherbagandsteps
intohershoes.“I’lljustputtheseinsomewater,comein.Meaghan,I’mgoingnow.”

Shegetsupandwalksuptome.“Hey,Iknowwedidn’tmeetproperlytheotherweek,

soI’mMeaghan-you’reobviouslyOwen.”

“Obviously.”Igrin.“GoodtomeetyouMeaghan.”Inodandsmile.I’mgladtosaythe

nervesarestartingtoeasenow…

“Now,watchwhatyou’redoinganddon’tbetoolatehome.”Meaghanjokes.

“Pissoffwillyou!Let’sgo.”Notholdingthesniggerin,Gracelooksatmewideeyed.

“Don’tlaughatheryoujustencouragehertobeatwat.”

“Loveyoutoo!”Meaghanshoutsoutofthefrontdooraswewalkawayfromher.I

holdthedooropenforherasweleavethebuilding,andheadtotherestaurant.

AswesitinPepito’sItalianrestaurant,IrealisewhatI’vebeenmissingalltheseyears.

Secludingmyselfaway,justmeandElla-hasn’tbeenhealthyatall.NowIcanseewhy
everyonehasbeentellingmetogetoutmore.

Iwasworryingaboutnothing;theconversationhasflowedandthefoodhasbeengreat.

We’vetalkedaboutEllaindancebutnottoomuch.She’sfilledmeinonherfamilyand
aboutherMumasthat’sreallytheonlyfamilyshehas,shealsotoldmeshe’sonlytwenty-
four.Fuckme,she’ssixyearsyoungerthanme!

“So,Owen,how’sthebusiness?”

“It’sgood.”Itellheraroundaforkfulofpasta.“It’spickingupallthetime,more

peoplearerecommendingmetotheirfriends,itjustmeansmorehoursforme;whichI
don’treallywantbecauseofEllabutwhatcanIdo?”

“Youcouldfindapartner,maybesplittheworkload?”

“Hmm,maybe.Thethoughthascrossedmymind,Imeandon’tgetmewrongbeforeI

wasreallybusy,itwashowImetTom,butafter,IletthebusinessslipandIhadtobuildit
backup.”TwirlingmypastaaroundmyforkmyheadgoestoplacesIdon’twantitto.

Gracemustseetheshiftinmebecauseshechangesthesubject.“Where’sElla

tonight?”

“She’sathergrandparents.I’llbehonestIwasanervouswrecktoday,it’sbeenawhile

sinceI’vehadtodothis.”

“Wellthen,Ifeelhonoureditwasme.”Ourgazeslockforabeattoolong,thecolour

ofhereyescapturesme,they’relikeaniridescentblue,theyshinebright.Shesmilesat
me,herfacelightingup.PickingupmyglassofwaterItakeasipjusttobreakthespell,
orthat’swhatitfeelslikebecauseIcan’tstoplookingather.“Well,I’mstuffed.”shesays
hashereyesgowideandherhandrestsonherflattummy.“Thankyou,Owen,thefood

wasbeautiful.”

“Yeah,itwasgood.”IanswerasIwipemymouthonanapkin.

“Haveyoubeenherebefore?”

“No,never.”OnestipulationImadetomyselfwasnottobringGracesomewherethat

I’dtakenVictoriainthepast,thisplaceisstillfairlynewsothisitwon.It’snotfairon
Gracetodothat,thisisafreshstart-it’shardenough.“Doyouwantadessert?”

“OhJesus,Idon’tthinkIcouldfitonein.”Herhandsstillrestingonhertummyasshe

answers.“IthinkImayburst.”

“Isthereanythingyou’dliketodonow?”

“Whateveryouwanttodo,Idon’tmind.”

Smilingagain,“Okay,I’llgetthebillifyou’vehadenoughtoeat.”noddingtogetthe

waiter’sattention,Iaskforthebillashewalksuptothetablesmiling.

“CouldIgetyoucoffeeoradessert?”IlooktoGracetoseewhatshewants.

“I’dloveCoffee,please.Ifthat’salrightwithyou,unlessyouhavetogetback?”

“No,notall.Couldwehavetwocoffees’please?”Thewaiternodshisheadandwalks

away.

Thewaiterbringsthethemoverafewminuteslaterwithmintsandleavesthebillon

thetableinaleather-boundwallet.Gracelooksoutthewindowintothestreethereyes
everywhereandherthoughtsracingamileaminute,Icantell.“Pennyforthem?”

Herheadturnsasshelooksatme.“It’snothing.Iwasjustlookingout.”

“Youreadytogo?”ShenodsasshedrinksthelastofthecoffeeandIplacesomenotes

frommywalletwiththebill.Wewalkthroughtherestaurantandstopatthedoorsaying
byethentakeherhandinmine.Itfeelsweirdholdingsomeoneelse’shand,Ifeellikea
teenageragainanddon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

Grace

handfitsinhisjustrightbutitdoesn’tstopmytummyfromflipping.Ithoughtit

wasbadenoughwhenheaskedmeout,butnow…it’sdoingdoublesomersaults.He’s
suchagentlemanandsodifferenttotheotherdicksImeet,buthe’salsoalotmore
mature.Isupposethathappenswhenyouhaveachild-althoughI’dlovetoknowmore
abouthimbutIdon’tthinkhe’lltellmeyet.Bepatient,Grace.

Heopensthedoorformewhenwereachthecar,Istepinandsmile.“Thanks.”Putting

onmyseatbelt,IwaitforOwentogetinandstartthecar.It’scoldoutside.Summeris
turningintoAutumnasthetemperatureislowerforthistimeofyearthannormal.Owen
seesmeshiverandputsontheheater.

“Ididn’tthinkitwasthatcold…”hesmirks.

“I’malwayscold.IshouldlivesomewheretropicalnotincoldanddampEngland.”He

takesaholdofmyhandagainandrubsitwithbothofhistowarmitup.Heliftsittowards
hismouthandblowsonittoheatitthrough,butit’snotmyhandthatitworkson.Ohgod,
don’tdothat!Idon’tthinkherealisestheeffecthehasmeatall.

“So,doyouwanttogoforadrinkordoyouwanttogohome?”Heasks.

“I’mnotfussedifyouwanttogohome…”

“Grace?”Hecutsmeofffrommyoverthinking,“Idon’twanttogohometoanempty

house,I’dmuchprefertospendalittlelongerwithyou,ifthat’sokayofcourse.”

“Oh.”Isayquietlyandsmileathisgesture.

“I’mtryingtobeagentleman,Idon’tthinkit’sworkingthough.”Itwisttofacehim.

“Itisworking,Ithinkyou’vebeenreallynice.I’vereallyenjoyedtonight,thankyou.”

Ileanacrosstowardshim;mylipssoftlytouchhischeekinalightkiss.HIseyescloseon
anexhaleasIpullmylipsaway.Helooksatme,hiseyesintense,baringintome.I
wonderwhat’srunningthroughhismind?Iknowhehasskeletons,Iknowhehadawife;
butwhathappenedIhavenoclue.Hiseyesconveyathousandquestionsandprobably
mirrormine.

“Howaboutwegoforthatdrink?”

“I’dloveto.”Ianswernodding.Hesmilesandstartstheengine.Heputsontheradioto

breakthesilencebutbeforelonghe’spullingupatasmallpub.

Findingasmalltableinthecorner,IsitdownwhileOwengetsusdrinksandwaitfor

himtoreturn.Ihavequickpeekatmyphone-justamessagefromMeaghantellingme
she’sgoneoutbutthat’sit.Idropmyphoneinmybagandwait.

Owenjoinsmenotlongafter.Ipickupmyglassofrosé

andtakeasip.Aftertakinga

gulpofhisbeer,herelaxesandleansbackintotheseatlookingatme.“So,hereweare…”

“Yep.So,Owen,how’sworkgoing?”IknowI’veaskedalreadybutreally,it’sallI

have.

“It’sgood-busy.Howaboutyou?”HesmilesknowingI’mreallyjustmakingthisup

asIgoalong.

“It’sso-so.I’mthinkingImayhavetogetarealjob.Ilovedancingandteachingthe

kidsandIdomoreclassesinthedaybutIstillneedtopaythebills.Meaghankeeps
askingmetogotoworkattheschool,Itrainedtobeateacheranyway,sowhoknowsI
might.”

“Meaghan’sateacher?”

“Sheis.”InodandalsosmilebecauseIknowexactlywhat’sgoingthroughOwen’s

mind.“Iknowwhatyou’rethinking…”Itellhimsmirking.

“What’sthat?”Helaughs.

“HowcanMeaghanbeateacher?Iknowshe’snotthemostinnocentrolemodel

especiallyfortheagegroupsheteaches,KeystageFourwhichisagesfourteento
sixteen.”

“Idon’tgetthiskeystagecrap.I’mnotlookingforwardtoEllastartingschoolifI’m

totallyhonest.”

“Oh,butshe’llloveit.”AsIlookathimsomethingtellsmeIshouldchangethe

subjectfromElla.“Doyouhaveanybrothersorsisters?”

“Nope.Howaboutyou?”

“None.Imust’vebeenenough,butyouneverknowifmyDadhadn’thavebeena

serialcheater,theremayhavebeenone-butheyho.Whatyou’veneverhadyoudon’t
miss.”

Owenlooksdowntohishandsinhislap,hismoodturningsubdued.“Youreallythink

that’strue?”Helooksupfrowning.

“Well,maybenotforeveryone,peopledealwiththingsdifferently,theycopehowthey

can.”Iwatchhimforaminutebeforespeakingagain.“Wanttotalkaboutit?”

Helooksdeepintomyeyesthenshakeshishead.“Notrightnow…doyoumind?”

shakingmyhead,Ismileathimtoeasehisworriesalittle,whoknowifitworks.“Doyou
wantanother?”

“Yeahwhynot.I’llgetthesethough.”Grabbingmybagtotakeoutmypurse,Owen’s

handcoversmine.

“It’sfineI’llgetthem.”

“Butyou’vepaidallnight.”Heshrugs,grinsandgrabsbothoftheglassesthenwalks

tothebar,watchinghisperfectarsemoveinthosejeansthoughforwaytoolongwell,at
leastuntilhe’soutofsightanyway.

Hecomesbacknottwominuteslaterwithwhatlookslikeicedwaterorlemonade,a

glassofwineformeandplacesthemdown,thensitsbackdownnexttome.Hetakeshis
phonefromhispocket,looksatitquicklythenplacesitonthetable.I’matalossofwhat
tosaywithoutventuringonunknownterritorysowesitinsilence,notanuncomfortable
onethoughI’mpleasedtosay.

“Areyouok,Owen?”

“Yeah…”Hesmiles,“yeah,IthinkIam.I’veenjoyedtonight.”

“So,haveI.”Thesmilemustfillmyfacebecauseitdefinitelyfeelsthatway.

Hesitantlyhishandsoftlycoversmineagainasourfingerslinktogether,wesitlikethat
untilwe’rebothreadytoleavejustenjoyingeachother’scompany,talkingandlaughing.

Hestopsoutsidemyblockandturnsofftheengine.“Thanksfortonight,Grace.”

“You’rewelcome.It’sbeengreat.”Isaysmiling.

“Maybewecoulddoitagain?”Heaskshesitantly.

“I’dlovethat.JustletmeknowwhenandI’llcheckmydiary,Imaybeabletopencil

youinsomewhere.”Ilaugh.

“Pencilmein,huh?Idon’tknowifIlikethesoundofthat?”Itouchhisfingerwith

mine.Helinksthemtogetheragain.Hishandsarehotwhereminearecold…again.

“Youcan’tbecold?It’slikeanoveninhere.”HesaysinbemusementasIshrugbut

smirk.TheairgrowsthickasIlookintohiseyeswillinghimtokissmejustonce.He
doesn’tthough-juststaresatme.

“I’dbettergetgoing.”Ileanacrossthecentralreservationandkisshischeek,hiseyes

closeashislipspart.Heturnshisheadslightlyandslowlyleanstowardsme.Hislips
touchmineinagentlesweepandpullsaway.HegazesatmeagainbutIknowit’stimeto
go.“ByeOwen.”

“Seeya.”Hishandliftsandhewinks.Hewaitsformetoentermyblockbeforepulling

away.IheadstraighttobedwhenIgetintheflat,fallingtosleepstraightawaywiththe
imageofOwen’seyestokeepmecompany.

WhenIwokethismorning,IthinkIwasstillsmilingbecauseMeaghanaskedmewhy

Iwaslookingsohappy.I’mnottellingherthough.She’smanagestogothreehoursnow
withmenotsayinganythingandI’vepromisedI’dpoparoundtomyMum’sforlunch
today,soifshe’sgettingoutofmeshe’sgotalongwait.“Youcan’tgotoyourmum’sand

leavemehanging!”

“Yes,Ican.”

“Butyouwon’t,willyou?”Ishrugbutdon’tspeak.“Whyareyoubeingabitch?”

“BecauseIdon’twanttotellyou.”

“Itellyoueverything!”

“Yourchoicenotmine.BelievemeIcandowithouttheinsandoutsofyoursand

Ross’sseedyrelationship.”

“It’snotseedy.”Sheargues.

“No?That’swhyhehasagirlfriendalreadyandyou’rehisdirtylittlesecret.I’mnot

gettingintoanargumentbecauseI’mveryhappy.”Ipullonmybootsandgrabmybag
thenwalktowardsthedoor…“Iwilltellyouthisthough,”Ipopmyheadbackaroundthe
door,“he’sanamazingkisser.”winkingather,Iheadouttoleavehershoutingafterthe
doorhasshut.Whocaresifitwasn’taproperkiss,it’llkeepherchewingatthebitfora
while.IwalkdownthestairsandouttomycartospendacouplehourswithmyMother.

WhileI’matMum’s,myphonegoesoff.IpullitfrommybagandasmileformsasI

seethescreen.AtextfromOwenisenoughtomakeanygirlsmile.

“Whatareyousmilingat?”

Shakingmyhead,“Nothing.”

“It’sobviouslynotnothing,Gracie.”MyMumhascalledmeGracie,sinceI’vebeen

oldenoughtorememberandshe’sneverdroppedit,Idon’tminditthough,notfromher
anyway.“Ihopeit’snotamanthat’smakingyousmilelikethatbecausethenyou’re
askingtohaveyourheartbroken.”

“Whatifitis?”IfrownasIopenthetext,anythingtopissonmyparade.

Owen:Heyyou.

Me:Heyyourself.

Iclosethescreenanddropitinmybag.“Youknowthey’reallthesame.Onlywant

onethinganddropyouwhentheygetit.”

“Youknowmum,you’resocynical.They’renotalllikethatandI’mtwenty-fournot

sixteen.”

“IthoughtthesameaboutyourDad,Ithoughtwrongsoyou’llforgivemeforbeing

likethat.

“Well,notallmenarealikeandit’sprettymuchagoodjobthey’renotalllikehim.I

knowwhatyou’resayingandItotallyunderstandyourpointofviewbutyou’rewrong
thistime.I’mabiggirlIdon’tneedyoutotellmethewaysoflifeandrelationships.So,
withyouandMeaghantryingtoruinmygoodmoodtoday-I’mgoing.”Ikisshercheek
andwalkfromthehouse,IhearhercallmebackbutIdon’tstopuntilI’vereachedmycar
andI’msittinginsidethesafetyofit.Ilockthedoorsandbreathe…

Takingmyphonefrommybag,Iseeanothertext.

Owen:Youok?

Me:I’mgood,wasjustsittingthroughthefactsoflifefrommyMum.

MyfingerstapatmyscreenuntilIpresssend,butIgetonestraightback…

Owen:????

Me:Don’task.Really.

Idropmyphonebackintomybagandheadtowardsthestudio,Ithinksometraining

willhelpsomeofthistensionbecauseIdon’tintendongoingbackyet.

Pullingupatthestudio,Igraballmygearandgoinside.OnceI’mchangedIopen

Spotifyonmyphone,clickStripThatDownbyLiamPayneandletthemusictakeme
away.

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

Owen

phoneisinmyhandwiththescreenopenonGrace’smessages.Ireadthemover

andoveragain,Imadethemoveandtexthernottheotherwayaround,sowhydoIfeel
likeshit.Ellaislyingonthesetteeinherpyjamasanddressinggownwithherheadonmy
lap.AsI’mstrokingherhairshelooksupandsmiles.“I’mtiredDaddy.”

“Comeonthen,princess.Let’stakeyouuptobed.”

Tuckingherin,Ikissherbrow,placeherteddyunderherarmthatshe’ssleptwith

sinceshewasababyandwalkoutoftheroom,Ileavethedoorajarandthelandinglight
onasshedoesn’tlikethedarkandheaddownstairs.

OnceI’monmyown,mythoughtsgointooverdrive…didIdotherightthingby

goingout?WhatifI’mnotreadyforallthisandI’mjustkiddingmyself?WhatifIcan
nevermoveonfromVic?Istopdwellingoneverythingandlosemyselfwatchingsome
mindlesscrapontheT.V,I’lldealwithitallasandwhenthetimecomesbutIneedtotell
heraboutVicbeforewecanmoveon.

AfterdroppingEllaofatnurseryIheadintowork.JennyshoutsherusualmorningasI

walkthroughandIliftmyhandtoherbutheadstraightformyoffice.Myheadisno
clearertodaythanitwaslastnight-ifanythingit’sworse.

Shewalksinwithasteamingcupofcoffee,shereallyismysaviour-shepullsthe

chairoutandsitsdown.“Comeonthen,what’swrong?You’renotyourusualself.”Itry
nottotakemyproblemstoworkbecauseJennycanreadmelikeabook,butshe’salso
oneofthepeopleclosesttome.

“Howdoyoumean?”

“Well,you’renormallychirpierthanthis.”

IwentoutSaturday.”

“So…”

MypalmsrubanddownmyfaceasIsigh.“RememberItoldyouaboutElla’sdance

teacher?WellItookherout…”ShenodsasItellher.“ItwentreallywellbutnowIdon’t
know,maybeit’stoosoonforallthis.”

“Doyoulikeher?”

“Yeahbut…”

“Nobuts,youeitherlikeheroryoudon’t.”

“Yes.Ilikeher.”

“Nowwe’regettingsomewhere.Owen,youcan’tputatimescaleongrief,youlostthe

loveofyourlife-noonehassaidyoucan’tmoveon.Youdeservetoputyourselffirstfor
once.Theonlypersonwhocanstopyou-isyou.So,it’sbeenfouryears,sometimes
peoplecomeintoourlivesjustattherighttime,it’scalledfate.”Iscoffatherfatebullshit.
“ScoffallyouwanttoOwenBatesbutyoucan’tdenyit.Justrunwithit,don’tmake
excusesforitorletguiltstopanythingbecauseyouhavenothingtofeelguiltyfor.”

“ThanksJenny.”Grinningather,Iknowshe’srightbutitdoesn’tmakeitanybetterin

myhead.

“Anytime.”Shesmiles.“Nowyou’vegotafulldayofappointmentsI’mafraid.”

“Ugh,okay.”ShehandsmemymailasIturnonthecomputerandgettheappointment

listup.She’sright,IhaveafulldaywhichmeansnopickingupEllatoday.

ImakearrangementswithmyMumtopickherupandtakehertodanceclass,

hopefullyIcanpickherup.

Walkingthroughthedooratsixpmisnojoke.It’sbeensuchalongdaytoday,itwas

neverending.TompoppedinbutIhadnobreakbetweenappointmentstodayaparttograb
somethingforlunch,soIcouldn’tfindfiveminutestochattohim.Onagoodnotethough
Icansmellacookeddinnerintheair.

“DADDYYYYY!”

“Helloprincess.Youokay?”Iliftherupintomyarmsandhughertight.

“Imissedyou.”Shemumblesasherheadsnugglesintomyneck.

“Imissedyoutoo.Daddyhadalotofworktodo,sweetheart,I’msorry.”

“Nanny,cookbangersanmash.”shetellsmeexcitedlyassheliftsherheadupfrom

outofmyneck.

“Oh,didshe?That’smyfavourite.”ShewrigglestogetdownsoIputherfeetonthe

floorthenrunsstraighttothekitchen.Mumwalksoutdryingherhandsonatowel.AsI
reachher,Iplaceakisstohercheek.“Youdidn’thavetocookbutthankyou.”

“Don’tbesilly,it’ssausageandmashittakesnexttonotime.Youlooktired”

“Iambutitcouldn’tbehelped,itseemslikeeveryoneneedstheirfinancesdoneatthe

sametime.”Ismirk.

“So,ImetGracetoday.”shegrinsknowingly.

Shit.“Ohyeah.”

“She’sveryniceandpretty.Ellaseemstolikeher…alot.Sheneverleftherside.”I

nodatmyMother’saccurateobservationsnotreallyknowingwhatIshouldsayhere

becausewhateverIdosayshe’lleithertwistorshe’llgetreallyexcited.“Sheaskedabout
you.”

“Ohyeah.”

“Yeah.”shenods.“HowwasthedateonSaturday?”

“Itwasokay…”Mumraisesaneyebrowandwaitsformetosaymore,“Fine,itwas

nice,IenjoyeditandsodidsheIthink.”

“Wellthat’sgoodtoknow.Areyouseeingheragain?”

“Probably,whoknows.”Isigh.“Pleasedropit.”

“Okay,Iwasjustasking.Ijustwanttoseeyouhappyagain.”Shefrowns.

“Iknowyoudobutit’snotgoingtohappenovernight.”

ShesmilesandkissesmycheekasIsitdowntoeat.“Iknowitisn’t.Ifyouneedme

justgivemeashout.”

“Willdo.”ShegivesEllaakissandahugandleavesasEllagoesbacktowatchingher

cartoonsandIeatmydinner.

AsI’msittingthroughanappointmenttwodayslatermyphonevibrateswithatext.

Grace:Hi.Howareyou?

Iplacemyphoneinmydrawerandgetbacktoituntilmyappointmentisover,

althoughI’mnotreallylistening.Justseeinghernamestartsmymindshootingoffin
everydirectionasmuchasIdon’twantitto.

“Canyouexcusemeforonesecond,Ijustneedtoreplytothis.”Myclientnodsand

smilesandanswersofcourse.Itakemyphonefromthedrawerandopenthetext
messages.

Me:HeyI’mokay.Howareyou?SorryI’mjustwithaclientcanIringyoulater?

AsIslipitbackintomypocket,JennygivesmeaquestioninglooksoIholdupthe

phoneforhertoseeandshenodsbutalsogivesmeanapprovinglook.Iwalkbackinthe
roomwithashakeofmyheadathersmuglookonherface.“OkayI’mback.”Isaywitha
smileandplacemyphonebackinmydrawer.“Sorryaboutthat.Youweresaying?”He
tellsmeit’sfineandwegetbackonbutnotknowingifshe’sansweredmeisbuggingthe
shitoutofmenow.

Assoonasmyclientleavestheroom,IaskJennytoshowhimoutandwalkstraight

backtomydesk.Openingthedrawer,ItakeoutmyphoneasIsitdown.Ihaveafreeten-
minutebreak.JennywalksbackinwithacupofcoffeeasIreadherreply,“ThanksJen.”

Shesmilesasshewalksawayandclosesthedoorbehindher.

Grace:Hey,yeahthat’sfine,sorrydidn’tmeantodisturbyou.

Me:Hi,it’sfine.Youdidn’tbutIdohaveanotherappointmentintenminutesso

I’llringyouafterworkifthat’salright?”

IplaceitonmydeskandleavethetextopenwhileItakeasipofmysteamingcoffee.

Anothermessageappears.

Grace:I’dlovethat.

PickingupmyphoneagainIreply.

Me:Okaythen,onceEllaisinbedI’llgiveyouaring.

Grace:Okayspeaklater.

Ismileatthespeedherlasttextcamethrough,Icanimagineherholdingitinherhand,

herfingersmusttypetenwordsasecond.Iplacemyphonebackinmydrawerandget
readyformynextclient.

“Daddy?”Ellaquestions.

“Areyoupickinmeupmorrow,Ilikeyoutopickmeup.”

“Yes,IwillsweetheartIpromise,I’lltakeyouandpickyouupfromyourdanceclass,

how’sthat?”

“Yaaaay.”

OnceElla’stuckedupinbed,Igrabmyphone,takeadeepbreathanddialGrace’s

number.Sheanswersonthefirstring.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”Isighheavily.“Howareyou?”

“I’mgreatthanks.You?”

“Yeah.Tired.”

“Icanonlyimaginewithafour-year-oldrunningaboutkeepingyouonyourtoes.”

“Yeah,youcouldsaythat…”There’sanuncomfortablesilenceonthephone,maybeI

shouldn’thavedonethis…

“So,thepointofthetexttoday,IwasthinkingaboutyouandIwasthinkingabouthow

muchIenjoyedSaturdaynightandwonderedifyouwouldwanttoitagain,butofcourse
ifyouthinkit’stoosoon…

“Grace.I’dlovetoo.”Icutoffherramblingsforasecondandanswerherbeforethe

moodpasses.

“Really?”sheasksbreathlessly.

“Yes.Iwouldlovetogooutagain.”

“Mytreatthoughthistime?”Gracequestions.

“Notachance.”Ilaugh.

“Ugh,youhavetoletmepaysometime.”

“Whateveryousay.”Ilaughagain.Thesoundofhervoiceseemstoeasemyworries.

She’ssocalmingandeasytotalktoo.

“Ifyoucan’tgetababysitterjustletmeknow,andwecanthinkofsomethingtodo

aroundEllaormakeitanothernight.”

“I’dprefernottoaddEllaintothemixrightnowifthat’sokay?Shealreadyattachedto

you-Idon’twanthergettingthewrongideatoosoon.I’msorrythatsoundsawful.”
ShakemyheadIfeellikesmackingmyselfintheface.

“No,no.Itotallyunderstand,honestly.Erm,canIaskaquestion?”

PausingforasecondIholdmybreath.“Yeahokay…”

“DoesEllastillseeherMum?Tellmetomindmyownbusinessifyouwantto-in

fact,no,don’tanswerthat!”MystomachturnsasthequestionI’vebeenexpectingfalls
fromherlips.

“Shehasn’tgotaMum…really.”shit,howdoIevenexplainwithoutsayingit

outright.“I’msorrythatsoundedcallous.”

No,it’sfine.It’sjust…well,she’sneverbeenaroundaslongasI’veknownyousoI

justwondered.WhenwewereoutthatnightandRossthecock,mentionedyoucoming
outandtheweirdlookskindofconfusedme,soforgivemeforbeingnosey.”

“Grace,italrightbutit’snotaconversationI’dliketohaveoverthephone.I’dprefer

todoitfacetoface.”TheairstartstothickenasVicentersmyheadbutmorethatIneed
totellGraceabouthersoonerthanIthought.

WetalkforafurthertenminutesaboutsaferstuffliketheweatherandElla’sdancing

andaboutherjobbutwhenIhearheryawn,it’sdefinitelytimetohitthesack.Withthe
week,I’mhavingatworkIfeelthesameway.ItellherI’lldefinitelybepickingupElla
tomorrowandwecanarrangesomethingthen.Iheaduptobedaftercheckingagainon
Ellaanddecideonanearlynight.

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

Grace

Clicking

offmyphone,Iplaceitonthebedbesideme,myheadreelingatwhat

Owensaid…‘Gracehasn’tgotaMum.Whatthehell?’Iknowshe’snotaroundbutwhat
doesthatactuallymean?MaybeI’llgetsomeanswerssoon,Ihatebeingnosey-Imean
everyonehassomekindofstorybuthe’sanenigma.Hedoesn’tgiveanythinganyway,
well,notuptotonightanyway.IreallylikehimbutIdon’twanttofallforhimandfind
he’sgoingtogetbackwithElla’sMumsuddenlybecausesheturnsbackuponthescene.

LyingdownonmybedIwatchtheshadowsdanceontheceiling,Iwassotiredbut

nowmymindwon’tshutoff.RightforgetaboutOwenforasecond…yeahlikethat’s
goingtowork.Hehasn’tleftmesinceIfirststartedtogettoknowhim.Whenhedidn’t
turnuponMondaywithEllaIthoughtI’ddonesomethingwrongtoupsethim,butwhen
hisMumcamewithher,Iguesseditmust’vebeenworkthenthatwaskeepinghimaway.
Whydoeslifehavetobesocomplicated?IsupposeI’lljusthavetowaituntilheexplains.
Iturnoverandclosemyeyesbutitdoesn’tstopthethoughtsstillrunningrampant.

GrabbingmyearphonesandiPodIputsomesoothingsongsandseeifthathelps.Ican

usuallydozeofftomusic,it’ssuchabigpartofmylife.

ThelastthingIrememberissingingalongwithAdele.

SettingupmymusictoplayforclassItrytokeeptheflutterstoaminimumasIsee

Owen’scarpullintoaparkingspace.Onebyonetheparentsfilterinandthekidsruninto
themaindancehall,sitdowntotakeofftheirshoesandsocks.

“Hey.”Thehuskydeepvoicefrombehindmehasmespinningaroundtofacehim.It’s

notlikeIwasn’texpectinghimbecauseIsawhim.MygazeholdshisandI’mnotableto
getthewordsoutthatIwanttosay.

“H…hi.”Ianswerbreathlessly.Hesmilesashisgazetracksovermyface.

“HelloGwace.”Ellasaysasshethrowsherarmsaroundmylegs.Shereleasesmeand

runsofftojointheothers.

“Youmadeitthen?”

“Idid.Ellahadmeonabitofaguilttrip,shesaid‘IlikeyoupickingmeupDaddy’.”

“Thattoldyouthen…”

“Yeahyoucouldsaythat.WhoamItoarguewiththelittleprincess?”Hesmileswide,

hiseyeslightingupattalkofElla.“Ibetterletyougettoclassbeforeyouhaveamutiny.”
Hiseyespointintothehall,Ifollowthemandseeallthekidshavestartedrunningaround
shoutingapartfromtheolderones.

“Ohmygosh,Ibettergo.”Wesmileateachotherashegrabshiscoffeeandtakesone

oftheseatsoutsidethemainroom,notheadinguptotheviewingroomlikehehasdone
before.

Someoftheoldergirlsdoasoloeachofadancewe’vebeenpractising,Iwatchinawe

astheyoungerkidswatchwiththeirmouthshangingopen.“MissGwace?Willwedothat
too?”

“Whenyou’reabitbiggerandlearntmore,yesifyouwanttoo.”

“Ido.”Hereyesopenwideinexcitementthencarriesonwatching.

Thesessiondrawstoaclosewaytoosoonandthekidsaregettingtheirstufftogether.I

openthedoorandlettheparentsin.Acoupleofthemapproachmeandthankme,thentell
mehowproudtheyareathowwelltheirchildrenaredoingwithme.Myheartishappy
whenIhearhowmuchthekidsstilllikecominghere.Owenwalksuptomeandsmiles.
“Goodjob,theywerebrilliant.”

“Thankyou.”Iblushathiscompliment.Itrytoavoidcontactwithhiseyesbutit’s

hard.Idon’twanttheparent’sheretothinkthere’ssomethinggoingonbecauseIknow
they’llthinkI’mgivingEllaspecialtreatmentandIwouldneverdothat.

WatchingthekidswalkawayhappyhelpstodowhatIdo,iftheirheartsaren’tinit

there’snopointwhatsoever.

“Ellait’stimetogohome.”Iwatchherassherunswiththeribbonstheothergirls

wereusingaspartoftheirdanceandsmileather.

“She’ssoadorable.”hewalksoutintotheroomtowardsher.Histrousersclingtothe

cheeksofhisarseashewalks.WOW!Hecanworkasuit.Helooksgoodinjeansanda
normalcasualshirtbutinasuit…?He’soutofthisworld.Iavertmyeyesasheturns
aroundtryingtonotlookguiltyoftotallycheckinghisarseout,hetakesElla’shandand
walksbacktome.Handingouttheribbon,Itakeitfromhimanddropitintheboxof
goodiesIkeep.“RightthenI’llseeyouSaturday,maybe?”

“Saturday?Didwearrangesomething?Heasksmeseemingsurprising.

“Saturdaymorningbackhere,usualtime?”

“Ohgod,yeah.I’msorryGrace,mymindiseverywhere.”

“It’sfine.Erm…”hestuttersIwalkthroughtothecarparkwithhim.Heopensthecar

withthekeyfobasEllarunstothecar.“Maybe,wecoulddosomethingattheweekend?
Ifyouwanttoofcourseanddon’talreadyhaveplans?”

“IthoughtIwastherambler,Owen.”Ismileandwinkplayfully.

“Yep,sodidI.”Hiseyescloseinwhatseemslikeembarrassment.

“I’dloveto.”Hiseyesflickerandopenatthesoundofmyvoice.

“Okay,”Henods,“I’llgetababysitterandwecandecideonsomethingSaturdayhow

doesthatsound?”

“Itsoundsgreattome.”Henods,smilesthenturnsaway.Iwatchhimseathimselfin

thecaraftermakingsureEllaisstrappedin.Heliftshishandtomeandtheypullaway.

IwalkintheflatandMeaghanislyingonthecouch.“Heydude!”shedoesn’tanswer

mesoIguessshe’sasleep.Ihearasnifflecomefromwhereshe’slyingthoughsoImake
mywayovertoher.“HeyMeag,areyouokay?”Myhandrestsonhershouldergivingher
agentleshake.Iwaitforaminuteorsobutshedoesn’tanswer.“Meaghan,what’s
wrong?”shakingheragainshelooksupatme.Herfaceisblotchyandhereyesare
bloodshot.“OhmyGod,whatiswrong?Who’supsetyou?”Ikindofhaveagoodidea
thoughwhoitisthough.”

Shesitsupandwipesherface.“Rosshasdumpedme.”Myeyesnarrowasshewipes

hernose.

“What?Whatdidhesay?”

“Hetextsme.Hesaidhecouldn’tseemeanymore,hisgirlfriendwasgetting

suspicious.”Shesnifflesagain.Toerag!Hetextsher?Hedidn’tevenhavetheballstosee
her.Whodoeshethinkheis?!

SittingdownbesidemybestfriendIwrapmyarmaroundhershoulderstotryto

comfortherbutIcan’thelpfeelingalittlehappybecauseIknewhe’ddothisatsome
point,he’ssuchawankerbutwhatcanIsay?Ican’tsay,‘Itoldyouso,’thatwouldbe
reallyheartlesstosaytheleast.Ugh!“Hey,comeon.He’snotworthit!Whatdidhesay?”
Shepullsherphonefromunderherleg,openstheconversationandpassesittome.

Ross:heybabe.Ican’tseeyouanymore,she’sgettingsuspiciousandIcan’t

affordtolosewhatI’vegot.

Whattheactualfuck!That’sit?“CanIlookattheothers?”Iaskscowling.Nodding

herheadtomyquestionIscrolldowntothenextcoupleoftextsandreadthem…

Me:Whatyoumeanyoucan’tseemeanymore?Iloveyou!

Ross:Iloveyoutoobutwecanbefriendsandmaybeseeeachothereverynow

andagain.

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”MymouthhangsopenatthecheekofhimasIrant.

“Pleasetellmeyou’renotgoingtoholdhimtothat?He’sanarsehole!Hedoesn’tdeserve
you!Fuckhim.”

“Butyoudon’tunderstand?”Shesobs.“IlovehimandIneedhim.”Sheputsherface

intothecushionasshecries.

“YouknowwhenIseethatsackofshitI’mgonnapunchhimthefacefordoingthisto

you,thenI’mgoingtohanghimfromhisballsackandIhopeitripsthemoffbecause
thenitsavesmeajob!”

Atearysmileappearsalongwithahiccuppinggigglesound.“Youdon’tneedhim,

believeme.Therearemuchbettermenthatarefreeouttherejustwaitingtomeet
someonelikeyou.”

Herheadshakesasthetearsstreamsomemore,hiccuppingthroughhersobs,“you

don’tunderstand.Thereisnooneelsebecause…I’mpregnant!”Shehidesherfaceinthe
crookofmyneckandcriessomemore,“who’sgoingtowantmenow?”Cradlingherhead
inmyarmsIjustholdherandlethercryitout.Well,whatafucked-upsituation.There
wasmeonahighafterseeingOwenthenIcomebacktothis…inallhonestyIknew
somethinglikethiswouldhappen.”

“Meag?Doesheknow?”Sheattemptstoshakeherheadbutnotverywellfromthe

positionit’sin.“Areyougoingtotellhim!”

Sheshrugsonasigh.“What’sthepoint,hedoesn’twantme?”

“BecauseasImuchasIwanttostabthebastardhe’sthebaby’sdadandhedeservesto

know.”Shelooksupatmeandfrowns.

“DoIhaveto?”

“Doyouknowhowfaryouarealong?”

“No.”

“WellIthinkthefirstthingismakeaDoctor’sappointmentandfindout,thenyoucan

decidewhatyouwanttodo.”

“ThanksGrace.I’msogladIhaveyou.”

Ismileandbreakfromher.“Jumpupletmemakecoffee.”ShegetsupjustenoughsoI

canmovefromunderher,onceI’vestoodfromthecouchsheflopsbackdownandlies
there,sullen,upsetandheartbroken.IglancebackatherasIwalktothekitchen,shehides
herfacebackintothecushionasthesobsshakeandrackherbody.

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

Owen

“Ella,

comeonweneedtogosweetheart.”Ishoutupthestairsforthesecondtimein

thelasttenminutes.Neitherofuswokeuptilllatethismorning,ImadeEllahavesome
breakfastseeingasshehasdanceandIhadcoffee-goodsustenance.“We’regoingtobe
late….”Sherunsdownthestairscuttingmeoff.Shejumpsintomyarmsoffthelaststep
andIcarryhertowardsthedoor,pickingupmycarkeysandherDisneyPrincessrucksack
weheadouttothecar.

Wearriveatherdanceclasstenminuteslater,wemusthavehiteveryredlightand

caughtalltheSundaydriversoutonaSaturday.Werunintothehallhopingtheyhaven’t
started.

“Goodmorning.”Gracesaysassheseesusburstthroughthedoor.“We’vebeen

waitingforyoulittlemissy.”

“Daddydidn’twakeup.”ShesaystoGracewitharollofhereyes.

WideeyedandinshockIlookatGrace.“Morning.”Ican’thelpbutgrinathersmiling

face.“I’llbeoutsidegettingcoffeeifyouneedmeandmaybeanap.”Idon’tsitupstairs
anymoreIcouldn’tstandthestares.IfeltlikeIhadanarrowpointingtomyheadsaying
singleDad.Imaybetheonlymanthatbringshisdaughterbutstill…

AsI’mfinishingupmysecondcupofcoffeeinanhourthedooropensandthekids

starttofilterout,I’mstarving.IhelpEllagethersocksandshoesonandstandbefore
Grace.“Ihavetogo,I’msohungry.”Iglancearoundmetomakesurethere’snoone
around.“Howdoyoufancythecinematonight?”

“I’dlovethat.”sheanswersnodding.Ismilelookingdownintohereyes.Takinga

breath,Ilookaway.“Okay,havealookatthelistingsandtextmelater,orwecango
bowling,whatever?”Ishrug.

“Yeahcourse.”Shetellsmelaughing,she’sstillshakingherheadasIleavetheroom

withElladraggingbehindmeclingingontomyhand.

WewalkintotheMcDonaldsandorderourusualbutthestaffareonagoslow,typical

justbecausemystomachgrumblesasIsmellthefoodandIthinkI’mgoingtodiefrom
starvationifIdon’tgetsomesoon.

Oncewe’reseatedwithfood,Ellabeginstofillmeinontheirlesson,shegoesinto

greatdetail,herarmsflyingandtheexpressionsonherfacearelaughable.Ilovehow
excitedshegets.ThisiswhenIcanseeherMuminher,sheusedtobeexactlythesame.

I’vebeendoingalittlebetterlately,shedoesn’tcompletelyfillmyheadspacebutshe

isthereallthetime-thatsoundsconfusingeventome!Ugh,I’mtryingsohardIdon’t
wanttobesadallthetime,it’snotfaironElla.GraceishelpingtooIthink-whoknows.
I’mtrying,that’sallIcansay.

IwanttotakethisthingwithGracefurther,whoknowswhereitwillgoandI’mnot

quitesurewhatGracewantsfromthiseither.Mywholelifeisonebigroutine.Ihaven’t
hadanythingformyselfinsolong.It’sbeenadailyscheduleofwakeup,tendtoElla,take
hertonursery,startmygruellingdayofclients,gohometendtoEllathengotobed
becauseI’mshattered.Tohavesomethingdifferenttolookforwardtowouldbegreat.
Don’tgetmewrongIlovemybaby,butit’shard,reallyhardandiftherewasanythingI
coulddotochangeit,thenitwouldbethatVicdidn’tdie-butIsuppose,justlikejenny
toldme,thatwasinfate’shands.

Sighing,IbiteintomyBigMacandIrealisethatEllaisstilltalkingandIhaven’t

heardawordshe’ssaidforthelastfewminutes-insteadIsmileandnodlooking
enthusiasticbeforeshenotices.

IpickupGraceatsixthirtyforourdate.Godthatsoundssostrange,date.Iknowwe

wentoutononelastweekbutIwasnervousasfuckandcouldn’tthinkstraight.Tonight,
thoughIfeelmoreatease,I’mnotsureifit’sbecausewegotthefirstoneoutoftheway
ornot,Idoknowwestillneedtotalkaboutthings,I’mtryingtostretchitout.Ugh,stop
beingsuchapussyOwenanddoit.

ThedooropensandGracegetsindressedinapairofblackjeans,atop,leatherjacket

andhighheels.Fuck!“Hey.”sheleansacrossandplacesasmallkisstomycheek,Ismirk
assheusesherthumbtowipeawaytheglossshe’sleftbehind.Sheplacesherseatbelt
acrossherandclipsintotheholderthensitsbackwaitingformetopullaway.Myeyes
havetakenineveryfluidmovement,everylittledetail.“What?”Hereyesopenwideas
shewaitsforanswer.

“Nothing.Hello.”Ismileslyly.Ileanacrossandkisshercheek,lingeringforasecond

toolong.Herskinissoftandshesmellssogood.“Yousmellnice.”

“Thankyou.”Sheblushes.“It’sLadyMillionbyPacoRabanne.”Imakeamentalnote

ofthatnameforalaterdate.Ilooktotheroadandpullaway.

“So,didyoudecideonafilmordoyouwanttodosomethingdifferent?”

“I’mreallynotfussed.Idon’tmind.”

“Isthereanythingyoureallywanttosee?”

“WellIprobablyshouldn’tbutI’dlovetowatchthenewITfilm…?”shelooksacross

atmewithaslightfrown,“Idon’tknowwhetherIshouldthough.”

“Ifyoudon’tlikeclownsthenmaybenot?Butifyouwanttobravewecanwatchit,

myselfIthinkI’dpreferTheEmojimovie.”Graceburstsoutlaughingatme,“what?Do
younotwanttoseethat?”Iquestion,laughingwithher.

Shescrewshernoseupandshakesherhead.“No,Idon’tthinkso.Althoughitcould

befun.MaybeEllawillwatchwithyou.”Herhandreachesacrossandtapsmylegasshe
smirks.MygazeturnstoherhandandwatchesitasIthinkhowmuchIlikehertouching
me-evenifitisinnocent.

“Wecanseewhateveryouwant.”AsIsitataredlightmygazedoesn’tshiftfromhers

asitadmiresthenaturalbeautyofherface,ithasmehypnotised.Ineverthoughtany
womanwouldmakemefeellikethisagain.Westareateachother,Gracestandingher
groundandnotlookingaway,shebitesdownontoherlipasmygriptightensontothe
steeringwheel.Mybreathinggetsalittleheavier…

Ahornsoundsfromthecarbehind.“Shit!”Itakethehandbrakeoffandputmyhand

upasasorryforholdingupthetrafficandpullaway.Iblowoutashakybreathwitha
shakemyheadasGracesniggers.Wemaketherestofthejourneyinacomfortablesilence
withjusttheradiointhebackgroundbutwithherhandstillonmyleg.

Oncewe’reinsidethecinemawehavealookattheshowingtimesandseethefirst

showingforITisninethirtysowegetourticketsthenheadovertheroadtothepubfora
drink,seeingaswehaveatleasttwohoursbeforewehavetobebackhere.

GracegrabsusatableandIgetthedrinksforus.Shesitsinaboothsoinsteadof

sittingacrossfromherItakemyplacenexttoher.“Areyouhungry?”IaskasIpickup
themenufromthetable.

“Dowehavetimeforfood?”sheasksassheleansacrosstolookwithme.“Ifwehave

I’lljusthavepastaorsomething.”

“Well,Iamalittlehungry,maybeI’llgrababurger.”Istandfromthetable,“the

Carbonaraforyou?”

“Yesplease,here…”Shetakesherpurseout.Iscowlandwalkawaybeforeshehasthe

chancetogivememoney.

AfterorderingIheadbacktoGraceandtakemyplacenexttoheragain.“Icanpay

youknow.”Myhandrestsonmythighbutit’sitchingtomoveacrossandgrabhers.
Screwitinforapenny,inforapound.Myhandtakeshersastheybothrestonherthigh.
“IknowbutIwantedtopay,apartfromEllaIhaven’thadanyonetospendanymoneyon,
soaren’tyoutheluckyone.”

“Totally.”Hersmilelightsuphereyesgivingthemasparkle,makingherlookeven

morebeautiful.Myheaddipscursingmyselfforhavingthosethoughts.

“Owen?”Keepingmyheaddownbutlookacrosssosheknowsshehasmyattention

shespeaksagain.“Areyoualright?Imeanifyoudon’twanttodothisit’sokay,I’ll
understand.

“No.It’sthefirsttimeinalongtimeI’vesmiledproperlyfromsomeoneotherthan

Ella.”

“LookOwen.”sheshufflestositonanangleandfaceme,“Idon’tknowwhat

happenedwithElla’sMumandI’mnotsayingyouhavetodragitallupandtellme,that’s
entirelyuptoyou.Ithinkyou’reafantasticDadandEllaisreallyluckytohaveyou.”I
smileasshehesitatesforasecond,“Icomefromabrokenhomeandmydaddidn’twant
mesotoseeyouwithEllareallywarmsme,it’sapitynoteverychildhasthechanceto
haveaDadlikeyou,they’remissingout.”Shetakesbreathbeforecontinuing.

“IlikeyouOwen.IfyouwanttojustbefriendsI’mokaywiththat.”

Sheavertshergazefrommineandtakesasipofherwine.Shehaslaideverythingout

formenowIneedtothinkaboutwhetherI’mreadyforthis.Idolikeher,shemakesme
feelagain,shegivesmethatlittlebitofhopethatIcanhaveanormalrelationshipagain,
makesmefeellikeI’mnotdrowningingrief.

“Isthatwhatyouthink,”Iaskdraggingmyselffrommyowninnerthoughts.“Ijust

wanttobefriends?”

“Idon’tknow.Youdon’tgiveanythingawayandyoualwaysseemso-Idon’tknow,

notsadbutyouhaveaweightthatseemstobeardownonyou.Somedaysit’slikeyou
wanttoshutouttheworld.”

“Youdon’trealisejusthowaccuratethatis.”Iholdherhandalittletighterandrubmy

thumbacrossherknuckles.“Idowanttobefriends,”shefrownsasshedipsherhead,
lookingatourjoinedhands.ShetriestotakeherhandfromminebutIholdittighter.
“But,Iwouldalsoliketoseewherethisgoes.”herheadspringsup,“ifthat’salrightwith
you.TherearethingsIneedtotellyou,soonerratherthanlateraboutElla’sMum,I’dlike
totellyoubutnothere.Maybelater?”Herheadnodsasasmilestretchesacrossherface.I
leanforwardandtouchherlipswithmine,kissinghersoftly.BeforeIcantakeitany
furtherthebarmaidbringsourfoodoverandplacesitinfrontofuswiththecutlery.After
thankingherwegetstuckintoourfood,conversationcanwait.

CHAPTEREIGHTEEN

Grace

trytoeatmypasta,knowingthatwehavetogetgoingsoonbutIcan’t,mytummyis

flutteringlikecrazy.It’snosecretthatI’matotalromanticatheartandnothinglikemy
mother.IdriveMeaghancrazywithallmyheartsandflowersbullshitbecausesheis
nothinglikeme-wearetotalopposites,maybeit’swhywework.

“Isyourpastaokay?”InodandputanotherforkfulintomymouthsoIdon’thaveto

answer.Ifeellikearighttwatatthemoment.IdreadtohearwhathehastosaybutI’m
happyhewantstoseememore.EllaissocutebutI’vealsoneverhadarelationshipwith
anyonethathaskids,whatifIdosomethingwrong-ohmygodwhatifIcan’tdothis?
WhatifI’mtooimmature-thenhe’lldumpme.“Grace,Icanseeyourmindgoinga
thousandmilesaminute.”

“How?”MyheadsnapstothesideasIask.

“Becauseit’swrittenalloveryourface…?Yourforeheadcreasesthenyoureyebrows

goupit’slikeyou’rehavingawholeconversationinyourhead.”Histhumbsmooths
acrossmybrow.Swallowinghard,Idon’tthinkmyheartcantakealltheselittleinnocent
touches.“Areyoufinished?”

“Hmm…what?”Ifeelasmallsmilebroachmyface.Helaughs,adeepgruffkindof

soundbutitresonatesthroughme.PickingupmynapkinIwipemymouthandtakea
drinkofmywine.

“Iaskedifyouwerefinished…withyourfood?”

“Ohhh,sorry.Yes,Iam,thankyou.”

“Shallwego?”Inodashestandsandreachesouttome.Itakehishandashepullsme

upandwewalkovertothecinema.

WhileOwenrunstothetoiletIgetusacokeandalargetubofpopcorn,atleastthis

wayhecan’ttellmeno,thenIputitallonthetablewhileIwaitforhimtocomeout.
“Hey,what’sthis?”

“Thisismetakingadvantageofusingmyownmoneywhileyouslipoutoftheroom.

NowholdonI’mgoingtogeticecream.”

“YouknowwhatItellEllawhenshedoesn’teatherdinner?”Iturnaroundwitha

smirk.“Nodinner,nodessert.”

PokingmytongueoutIheadtotheicecreamcounterandbuysomecookiedoughBen

&Jerry’s,myfavouriteinthewholeworld.

Itakeasmallscoopfromtheicecreamandputtheplasticspooninmymouth,Imake

surethere’snothingleftonitbeforestickingthespoonbackintotheice-creamandholdit
inonehandwhileIpickupmypopwithmyfreeone.Weheadinsideandtakeaseatnear
theback.Owenputsthepopcornbetweenhisfeetonthefloorandwerestthecokesinthe
seatcupholders,relaxandwaitforthefilmtocomeon.“Youdon’tmindsharingthe
coke,doyou?”

“No,whywouldI?”

Becausewell,Idon’tknowyouwellenoughtojustassume.Also,Ididn’twantonefor

myselfbecausethey’retoobig.”HisarmgoesaroundmyshoulderasImovemyhead
forwardforhimandrestshispalmonmyothershoulder.

Hesmilesbutthisoneshowsinhisdarkeyesasheleansintome.“Youcouldhavegot

asmallerone?”HisfaceisinchesfrommineasIpokemytongueoutathimagain,then
laughasheshakeshishead.Itwistslightlyintohimasthetrailerscomeon.Beforelong
thefilmcomesonandI’mstartingtowishIhadn’tpickedthisone.

MyheadgetsburiedintoOwen’schestmoretimesthanIactuallywatchanyofthe

film,badidea.“ThenexttimeIsaywewatchahorrormoviepleasetalkmeoutofit.”
EverytimeIhidmyfaceintohischestIcouldsmellhim,itwasaspicyandwoodykind
ofsmellandmysensesheightened,wishingweweren’tinapacked-outtheatre.

“Oh,Iwill,don’tworry.I’mnotabigfanmyself.”Hetellsmeashepullsmecloserto

him.

Wesufferthroughthelastthirtyminutesofthefilm,thenIbreathewithasighofrelief

whenit’stimetogetoutofthere.

“SorryIusedyouasacushiontohidemyface.”

“Don’tapologise.”hegrinsashetakesmyhandagainasheleadsusoutofthecinema

andbacktothecar.“Ikindalikedit.”Heseemstohavebeenalotmoreateasetonight,I
don’tknowwhythough,maybehefeelsmorecomfortablewithme.

Histhumbstrokesdownmycheekuntilitreachesmylipsoncewe’reinthecar.

“It’sbeenalongtime,Imaymessthisup,Grace.”Hebreathesmynamegruffly.His

thumbcarryingonitstripacrossmylipsasmytummyflipsyetagain.Owensmootheshis
thumbovermycheekbonegently,theotherhandpushingtheloosehairfrommyface,my
eyescloseatthefeelofhishandonme,he’ssogentleandsoft.

Ifeelthetipofhisnoserubagainstmine,Idaren’topenmyeyesincasethisisadream

becauseifitisIdon’twantittoend.Ourlipstouch,tenderly,softly,myheartpicksup
speedasheappliessomepressureagainstthem,hiswarmhandcuppingmyfaceasIlean
intoit.Myeyesopenoninstincttofindhisbrowneyeslookingbackatme,I’mnotsure
whatIseetherethough.Iswallowhardasmyhandrestsonhischest,decidingtotakea

littleinitiative,Ipressbackagainsthisandopenmymouthlettinghimtakethekiss
further,thetipofmytonguetouchinghislipsashisbothhandscupmycheeksandtilts
myheadtotheside.Histongueentersmymouthandslidesagainstmine.Agroanreleases
frommewhenhetakeswhathewantsandcontrolsthekiss.Pullingawayaninchhe
staresintomyeyes,“Grace?Openyoureyes.”

Theyslowlyopen,soonfindingoutthatitindeedwasn’tadream.Myteethbitedown

ontomylipcapturinginbetweenmyteethasIbreatheout,Ilickmylipsbuthisgaze
doesn’tshift.“Sorry,couldn’thelpmyself.”

“Don’tapologise.”

“Idon’tknowwhyI’mapologising,I’vewantedtodothatforawhilenow.”He

shrugs.It’squiteadorable.Asmilesneaksontomyfacebutonceit’sthereIcan’tshiftit.I
actuallydon’twantto.“Sowhereto?”

“Well,Meaghanshouldbeout,wecouldgobacktomineatleastit’llbequietandwe

canhaveacoffeeandchatforabit,ifyouwanttodothatis?”

“I’dlikeustospendsometimetogether,yes.”Hekissesmycheekthenputsthecarin

gearandpullsaway.Hishandrestsonmythigh,hisheattravellingthroughmealltheway
home.

Openingthedoorofmyflat,wegoin,there’snooneinthelivingroom,I’mnotsure

whatMeaghanwasdoingtonightafterthebombshedroppedonmeThursdaynightand
thefactsheisn’tseeingRossanymore.“Takeaseat.”Icheckherbedroomandshe’son
thebedfastasleep.Iquietlyclosethedoorbehindmeandentermine.Takingoffmy
heels,Ileavetheminmyroomthengobackthroughtothelivingroom.“Coffee?”

“Yesplease.Black,twosugars.”

“Easyenough.”Ismileandgotothekitchen.Oncethey’remadeItakethemboth

throughandplacethemonthetable,sittingonthesetteewithmyfeettuckedundermy
bum.MytummystartsdoingthoseannoyingflipsagainbutIjustthinkit’sOwenhimself,
everytimeI’mnearhimithappens.

“Youknowyoudon’thavetositalloverthereIwon’tbite,Ipromise.”heholdshis

handsintheairinfrontofhimashisraiseandcheekilygrins.Ilovehissmile,Ididn’tsee
itmuchreally-onlywhenitwasaimedatEllabutseeingitpointedatmemakesmeall
tingly.IedgeacrosstheseatuntilI’msittingnexttohim,mykneesjusttouchinghis
thighsasIsitfacinghim.“I’vereallyenjoyedtonightGrace.”

“So,haveI.”Iwhisper.

“Idon’tknowhowwe’regoingtoworkthis.Iwouldliketoseeyoumorethough.

IclearmythroatbecauseitseemsI’velostmyvoice.“Well,youseemethreetimesa

weeknow.”

“You’refunny.Imeanalone.Justus.Youandme.”

“Iknowwhatyoumeantreally,Iwasjustkidding.”Hetapsthetipofmynosewithhis

fingerandsmiles.Hegripsmychinandpullsmetowardshimuntilourlipstouchagain.
Hiskissgoesalittledeeperthistimethough,hishandmakesitswayaroundtothebackof
myneckpullingmecloser.Hisvoiceisgravellyashegroanspullingawayfrommeashe
rubshislipstogether.

“IsupposeEllacouldhaveapermanentSaturdaynightsleepoveratmyMum’ssowe

cangoouttogether,butthere’salwaysgoingtobeatimewhenIcan’tgetababysitter.
Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?”

“So,wedealwithitandweseehowitgoes,yeah?YouandEllaareapackagedealand

asmuchasI’mdyingtotrywhateverthisis,wedon’treallyknoweachotheryet,butI’m
willingtotry.”

“Grace,it’shardformetotalkaboutbut…

Icuthimoff,“Andthat’sfine,really.Let’sjusttakeitonedayatatime,Ireallylike

you,Owen.”God,IhopeIhaven’ttotallymessedthingsup!“Whenyou’rereadytotalkto
me,wecantalk.”

“I’mnotabouttorushthis,Grace.Ihaveafour-year-oldthatalreadythinksyou’re

prettygreat.That’swithoutherthinkingyou’remygirlfriendandIreallydon’twantto
confuseher.”Myeyesturndowncast,“Hey?JustbecauseIwanttokeepEllaoutofthis
fornow,doesn’tmeanIdon’twanttotrywithusfirst,it’sjustalittlecomplicatedIdon’t
wanttoherhurtifwedon’tlast.”

“Owen,Igetit.”

“Idon’tthinkyoudo.Grace.”Hemovesawayfrommeandedgestotheendofthe

seat,putshiselbowsonhiskneesandputshisfaceinhishands.Iplacemyhandsoftlyon
hisback,hestandsabruptlylettingmyhandslidefromhimandlandbackonthecushion.

“Youcantellmeanything,Owen.”

CHAPTERNINETEEN

Owen

spinaroundtoseeherpainriddenlook,notsurewhatI’mgoingtotellherrightnow.

Theurgetokissherissostrong.Imeanreallykissher,Iknowwe’vesharedsmallkisses
butnotthistype-Imeananall-consuming,devouringkiss.Idon’tunderstandwhat’s
happening.

BeforeIrealisewhat,I’mdoingmyfeetaremarchingacrosstheroom,Idon’thesitate

asIpullhertoherfeetandgripherfacepullinghertowardsmethenkissher.Mylips
mouldtohers,mytongueteasestheseamandpushesthroughassheopenshermouthfor
me.I’mthirstyforher.Ican’tgetenough.Myhandgripsatthebackofhernecktokeep
herclosetome…mybodypushingagainsthers.Grace’shandsfistmyt-shirtasIkissher,
ourtonguesdoingadanceofsortsanddoesn’tletgo-asifI’vebeenwaitingforthis.

Ibreakawayfirstgasping,notunderstandingwherethatcamefrom.Idon’twantto

forgetVic.StillholdingherinmyarmsIlookdownather.She’ssmallerthanme,her
eyeswide.“Shit,I’msorryGraceIprobablyshouldn’thavedonethat.”

“Don’t.I’mnotsorry.”She’ssaysshakily,tryingtogetherbreathback.

“Youdon’tunderstand.”

“Thenmakemeunderstand,Owen.”Shepleadsquietly.Ijustwantthisoveranddone

with.

“M…mywife.Idon’t.Ican’tdothis.”

“Whatdoyoumean,yourwife.”Hernostrilsbegintoflareandeyesnarrow.“Idon’t

likecheatsOwen.Hasshecomeback?”Astabbingstartsinmyheart.“Owen?”Myhands
covermyface.

“She’s…she’sdead,Grace.”ThehurtcutsmealloveragainasIadmitthe

unspeakabletoher.

“OhmyGod,Owen.I’mso,sosorry.Ididn’trealise.Ohgodtrustmetoputmyfootin

it!”Theemotion,thehurt…itallcomesfloodingbackasIsayitoutloudtoher.Iwas
gettingbetter,well…Ithoughtso,butthepain,itnevergoesawaycompletely.

Herarmsmoothsaroundmyshoulderstocomfortme,Idon’twantherpityIjustwant

comfort,Ijustwanttobeheld.Turningtowardshermyarmsgoaroundherontheirown
accordandholdhertight,crushinghertome.

Ineedthis.

Itrytoholdbackthetears,nooneseesmecry,theonlypersonhasbeenmyMumbut

sincemeetingGrace,fuck,I’vehadsomanyconflictingthoughts.Iquietendownmy
thoughtsforawhileandjustletherholdmeasthepaintearsthroughmybodyagainat
gettingitoutintheopen.

“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”

“NotreallybutIsupposeIhaveto.”IsniffasIwipemyfacefromthewetnesscoating

myface.“Elladoesn’tknowher.”

“Oh,that’ssosad,soshedoesn’tremember?”

“No.Shedoesn’tknowherapartfromtheonepictureIkeepout.I’vetoldherabout

herbutit’shard.Itkillsmemoreastheyearspass.Ilostherinchildbirth.Herheartbeat
droppedwhileshewasinlabour,shewasliterallydyingasshegavebirthtoElla.Assoon
asEllawasoutbycaesareansectionshewaspassedstraighttomethey’dbeenworkingon
herforhalfanhour.”TearsIdidn’trealiseIhaveleft,steadilytrackdownmycheeksasI
remembertheworstdayofmylifeasIlieinGrace’sarmsonthecouchandItellhermy
story.Ilookupather,hereyesarealsoredastearsglazethem.

“Thefirstyearwasthehardest,thefirstanniversaryandElla’sbirthday.Shedidn’t

evengettoholdher,shewassoexcitedtobehavingababy.Itrysohardtobestrongon
herbirthday,Ispendalldaywithher,wegotothecemetery,thenwelightcandlesandI
leaveonecandleburningafterEllagoestosleep.”

“Oh,Owen.I’msorry.”Shewipesthetearsfromhereyes,“Ifyouneedtotalkabout

herorwhenthingsgetabithard,I’mhereforyou.”Iholdontohertighterandpullher
closertomethenrestmyheadonherchest.HerwarmthhelpstosoothemeasIclosemy
eyes…

Idon’tremembergoingtosleep,butIwakeupinthesamepositionwithmyhead

cradledinGrace’sarm.GentlyIremovemyarmsfromunderneathherandstand.Ifind
thebathroomanddomymorningduties.Ifeelalittlemorerefreshedfromthequickswill
Ihaveinthesinkandwashmymouthoutwithmouthwash.

Needingcoffee,Iheadbackforthekitchen.LookingacrossatthecouchGracehas

turnedoverandislookingatme,IsmilebutI’mnotsurehowI’mfeelingrightnow,I
can’treadheratallandmyheadisswimmingindoubt…“Morning.”

“Hey.”Sheanswersquietly.“Howlonghaveyoubeenup?”

“Tenminutes.Iwasgoingtomakecoffee,isthatokay?”Iaskunsure.

“Bemyguest.”Shesmilestentatively.Iputthekettleonandstartlookingincupboards

forthemugs.“They’reprobablyinthedishwasher,wehaveahabitofnotemptyingit
untilweneedtouseit.”Sheshrugssmirking,IhatethatjobsoIknowexactlywhatshe
means.AsilencefallsagainasImakeussomecoffee.

“Doyoutakesugar?”

“No.”Herheadshakes.Whydon’tIknowthatwhenI’veboughthercoffeebefore?“I

dotakemilkinitthough…”

“Irememberedthat.”Igrinather.Shefrownsanddipsherhead.Shestandsandmeets

meinthekitchen.LookingatmywatchIseeit’sonlysevena.m.“TheonedayIdon’t
needtobeupearlyandlookatthetime.”

“Yeahsod’slawreally.”

“Youcouldsaythat.”IpickupthecupandhandGrace’stoher.“Sorryifit’sawful.

I’monlyusedtomakingminenow.”

“It’llbefine.”Lookingaway,IgazearoundtheflatandInoticeforthefirsttimehow

compactitisbutcosy.Thisissaferthanaddressingthemassiveelephantintheroom
whichiscurrentlysittingonitsarsebetweenus.Gracesipsonhercoffeebeforeputtingit
downandnotlookingmyway.

Ifrown,Ican’tmaketoportailofmyemotionsatthemoment.“MaybeIshouldgo?”I

putmymugdownontheside.“I’vejustmadethingssomuchharderbetweenus.I’m
sorry.”

“Doyouwanttogo?”

“WhatIwantdoesn’tfactorinthisGrace…”

“Ofcourse,itdoes,Owen.”shecutsmeoff.Adoorshutsloudlyinthebackground,the

soundricochetingofthewallsbutit’ssoquietinhereyoucouldhearapindrop,the
silenceisdeafening.IassumetomyselfthatmustbeMeaghan.

Shelooksbackatme,thepaininherfaceevidentasifI’vebrokenherheartalready.

Shestepsclosertomebutleavesagapbetweenuslikeacrackinthegroundthat’sway
toobigtostepover.“You’reallowedtobehappyOwen.Letmehelp.”Shetellsmeasshe
looksupatme.Shereachesoutandholdsmyfingersloosely,mygazeturnsdowncastto
seeourhandstouching.HowdoIdothis?WithitalloutintheopenIthoughtI’dfeel
betterbutrightnowIfeellikeshitandjustneedtoseemybaby.

“Ifitmakesiteasier,Idon’twantyoutogobutit’snotmychoiceandIfyoufeellike

youhavetogothenyouhaveto.”Iedgeclosertoherjustasmallstepandentwineour
fingers.

“Idon’tknowwheremyheadisGrace.IfeellikeI’vehitabrickwall.Lastnight

beforeIletallthisshitouthelpedIwasconfident,Iwantedtomoveon,nowthough…
I’vetriedtoseparateeverything-you,Vic,Ella,andnowmyworldfeelslikeit’scrashing
downonme.IfeelbadbecauseI’veallowedmyselftofeel.”Grace’schinbeginsto
wobble,Iliftourjoinedhandstomylipsandkissherknucklessoftly,justabrushoflips.
Atearformsinthecornerofhereye,itkillsmetoseeherthissad,she’salwayssobubbly
andtalkative.

“Iwon’tpretendtoknowwhatyou’regoingthroughbutpleaseletmehelp.Idon’t

wantyoutogo,IwantyoutostayandtalktomebutIunderstandthatwedon’tknow
eachotherwellenoughand…”

“It’snotfaironyoutobewaitingformetosortmyselfout.”

“Youletmeworryaboutme,I’mabiggirlIcandothis.”Myfacepullsintoasmile,

thisiswhatshedoes.Shemakesmesmile,cheersmeupandmakesabaddaygoodjust
byhearinghervoice.Ipullhercloser,myhandcoversthebackofherheadasIrestit
againstmychestandplaceakisstothetopofherhead.

“ButcanI?”

“Onlyyoucananswerthatquestion.”Shesmilessadly,“I’llbeherewhenyouneed

me,anytime.”Shepushesuponhertiptoesandkissesmycheek.Grippinghercheeks,I
leanforwardandkissherlips,herhandsrestonmyhipsasshereciprocatesandkissesme
back,alonetearslidingdownhercheekmixinginwithourkiss,it’stenderandsoft,just
what’sneededrightnow.

“Ihavetogo.I’msorryGrace.I’llcallyoulater.”Ikissthetopofherheadandwalk

away,quietlyclosingthedooronthewayout.

InsteadofgoingstraighthomeImakeadiversionandgosomewherethatI’mhoping

cangivemesomeanswers.ParkingupIturnofftheengineandlockthecarbefore
walkingthroughthehighsteelgates.Autumniscoming,IlovethisplaceinAutumn,the
colouroftheleavesfallingtotheground.Ellaalwayskicksthemupintheairorthrows
themhightoseehowquicklytheycanfallastheyfloatdowntotheground.

WithinminutesI’mwhereIneedtobe.StandingovertheplotIreadherstone.

VictoriaBates

Wife.Mother.

Takenfartoosoonbutneverforgotten.

“OhVic.WhatamIdoing.Youwereneversupposedtoleaveme.Idon’tknowhowto

letgo.Iwasdoingsomuchbetter.Whatiswrongwithme?”Ilookuptotheclearskiesas
ifI’llgetananswer.“She’ssosweet.ShedeservesmuchbetterthanmeandElla,ohmy
god,you’dbesoproud.”

“Hey,Owen.”IspinaroundwhenIhearavoicebehindme.Myhandonmyheartasit

rapidlybeatsinmychest.

“Youscaredmetodeath.Hi.”Mymotherinlawstandsbehindmewithabunchof

flowersandacarrierbaginherhandswithsomescissors.

“Youlookingforanintervention?”Sheasksfrowning.

“Somethinglikethat.”

“Wanttotalkaboutit.”Inodandstandfrommysquattingpositionandwalktothe

benchesandsitdown.“Comeonthen.”

Takingadeepbreathin,Ilookatherandhopeshe’sokaywiththis.“I’vemet

someone.”

“Okay.”ShelooksawayfrommeandovertoVic’sstone.

“She’ssweet,hernameisGrace,she’sElla’sdanceteacher.I’vetookheroutacouple

oftimesandlastnightItoldheraboutVic.IcriedandsleptinherarmsbutthismorningI
feelsoguiltyaboutitlikeI’vebetrayedhersomehow.HowcanIbehappywithsomeone
whenshe’snothere?”

“Oh,Owen.Youaresuchasweetman,Victoriawouldwantyouhappy,shewouldn’t

wantyouonyourown,don’tgetmewrongit’llbehardseeingyouwithsomeoneelsebut
youhavetodothisforyouandforElla.Thinkofitthisway,ifitwastheotherway
aroundandVictoriawastheoneleftbehindwouldyouwanthertobealonefortherestof
herlife?”

Shakingmyhead,Ireplyreluctantly,“Probablynot.”

“Iknowyouwouldn’tbutshewouldprobablyfeelexactlythesamewayasyou.What

youhadwasspecial,notmanycouplesareluckyenoughtoexperiencethat.”

“Icanstillhearvoicesometimes,stillfeelherinourbed,stillhearhersayingIlove

youinmyearandIcanstillsmellherscentincertainpartsofthehouse.Thenthere’s
otherdays-there’snothing.She’scompletelygone.There’smeandEllaandthat’sit,like
sheneverexistedandshewasneverapartofus…”Iwipethemoistureawayfromunder
myeyes.“ThosearethedaysIfeelguilty,likeit’smyfaultshe’snotherewatchingher
daughtergrowup-sharingherlifewithme.”

“Owen,I’mnoexpertongriefandmaybeyoushouldmaybeseeacounsellor,butto

meitseemslikeyou’reslowlylettinggo.Howdoyoufeelwhenyou’rewithGrace?”

“Conflicted.Ilikeher…alot.Shemakesmesmile,sheramblesbutshe’sconfident.

ThenIfeellikeI’mwrongforlikingherandwantingmorethanIshould.”Rachel’shand
restsonmythigh.

“Takeitonedayatatime.You’llknowwhenyou’rereadyandconsideracounsellorit

mightbegoodforyou.YouwillalwaysloveVictorianomatterwhat,youwon’tforgether
butyouneedtobehappy.”Inodandsmilesorrowfully.“I’malwaysattheendofaphone
-always.Ibettergo.”ShewalkstowardsVic’sgraveandbeginsherdutyofchangingthe
waterandclippingtheflowers.Iblowakisstomywifeandheadformycar,saying
nothingelse.

IheadhomeforashowerandchangeofclothesanddecideonwhatIneedtodo.

CHAPTERTWENTY

Grace

Standing

inthesamespot,Iwatchthedoorclosebehindhim.Iletthebreathout

I’vebeenholdinginagasp.Inaway,Iwashopinghewasgoingtosayhedidn’twantto
goandwantedtostayherewithmebutthatwasjustwishfulthinking.I’mjustnot
enough.

Theairbetweenuswasstifling,thewayhekissedmelastnightIthoughtwe’dhada

breakthrough-maybethisisgoingtobeharderthanIthoughtbutI’vegotthisfar,I’mnot
abouttogiveupnow.YoucandoitGrace,holdstrong.

Iturnbacktothekitchenandpourthecoffeesdownthesink.Islumponthecouch,

pullmykneestomychestandhugthemtome,thenrestmyheadonthecushionbehind
me.TheseatdipsnesttomeasMeaghantakeaseatandrestsherheadonmyshoulder.
“Youlookterribleareyouokay?”

“No,I’vebeensick.”

“Didyoumakethatappointment?shenodsweaklyasIaskherthequestion.

“YeahIdidbutcan’tgetonetillMondaysoIneedtotakethemorningoffbutI’lltell

theheadmasterI’vegotatummybugandhavethedayoffinstead.”

“I’llseeifwe’vegotsomedrybiscuits.”LookinginthebiscuitbarrelIfindsomerich

tea,Idon’tknowwhetherthesewilldoanygood?Ihandthemtoherandshetakessmall
nibbleswhileIgobacktomyself-pity.

“What’sup?”Sheasksasshetakesdeepbreaths.”

“Nevermindme.”

“OhgodI’mgoingtobesick.”Shespringsupfromthecouchwithherhandcovering

hermouthandrunstothebathroom.Notetoself:Don’tbuyRichTeabiscuitswhenIgo
shopping.

Shereturnsafewminuteslateraswhiteasaghost,sofeelingsorryforherIgetupso

shecanlieonhere,I’mgoingforashowertodrownmysorrows,literally.“Hereliedown
onhereI’llgetyousomewaterthenI’mgoingforashower.”Sheflopsontothecouch
andlaysherheadonthecushionsthencloseshereyes.Ihaven’tacluewhatshe’sgoingto
doaboutthebaby.Idon’tknowwhethershe’llkeepitormaybehaveanabortion,I
supposewe’llseewhatthedoctorsaysfirstandhowfargonesheis.IfitwasmeI’dwant
tocutalltiestoRoss,theregretofbeingwithhim,howhetreatedhershouldbeenough.

SteppingfrommyrelaxingshowerIwrapmyselfinatowelandheadformybedroom.

DuringmyshowerI’vecursedmyself,beratedmyselfthinkingIcouldhavehandledthe
situationwithOwenmuchbetterbutinallhonesty,Idon’tthinkIcould.Thisisdownto
himattheendoftheday-ifhe’snotreadyI’mnotabouttopushhimintoanythingwith
methatwilljustmakehimhateme.

Throwingonthefirstpairofleggingsandabaggyt-shirtthatIsee,Ibrushthroughmy

hairandleaveitdownthengobacktoseehowMeaghanisdoing.

Onthewaypastthethere’saknockatthedoor,makingmejump.“I’llgetit!”

“Ugh,who’sthat?Tellthemtogoawayifit’sanyoneforme.”Meaghantellsme

weakly.InsteadoflookingthroughthepeepholelikeIalwaysdoIjustpullopenthedoor.
WhenIseeit’sRoss,Igetthatfamiliarfeelingofhatredforthemanandafterwhathe’s
donetoMeaghan,it’smuchdeserved.

Pullingopenthedoor,Istandwithmyhandonmyhipandtapmyfootonthefloor

waitingforhimtospeak.

“Oh,helloGrace.”Hetakesastepoverthethresholdbutmyhandonhischeststops

him.

“Whoa.Whereareyougoing?”Iaskhim,frowning.

“I’mcomingintoseeMeaghan.”

“No,you’renot.It’smyflattooandI’mnotlettingyouin.Shedoesn’twanttosee

you.”

“Yes,shedoesandIcan’tseeyoustoppingme.Haveyouseenyourselfyouweigh

aroundfivestonewringingwetGrace!”

“Youreallydothinkyou’resomeonespecial,don’tyou?Well,you’renot.You’rejusta

cheatinglittletoadandshe’sbetteroffwithoutyou.”

“Youthink?Sowhyisshetextingmesayingsheneedstotalkandshelovesme.”

“Becauseshe’sneedyandcluelessrightnow.Afterwhatyou’vedonetoherI’llmake

sureshe’llneverneedyouagain!”

Walkingclosertomeheeyesmeupanddown,“What’supGrace,youwantapiece?

Areyoujealous?”Jealousmyarse!Myemotionsarestillalittlehighfromearlierwith
Owen,Idon’tneedhisshittoo.

Steppingclosertowardshim,Ilookup.“Getoutofmyface,offmydoorstepandgo

backtoyourgirlfriendbecauseMeaghanisdone.TherearesomanythingsIcouldsayto
yourightnow!”Shakingmyheadathim,thewordsarefailingme-Ihaveenoughgoing
on,he’sjustnotworthit.BeforeIcanclosethedoor,Meaghandragsherselfupandcomes
tostandwithme.

“Ughyoulooklikeshit.”Takingastepbackhelooksatheragainscrewinghisnose

up.Mybloodboils,mytemperrising.“Isitcontagious,Idon’twanttocatchnothing.”

“FunnyIsaidthattoheraboutyou.”Hisfuriousgazecutstomine.BehindRoss,Isee

Owenwalkingupandstarttowonderwhyhe’scomebackbutbeforeIgiveittoomuch
thoughtRossspeaksagain.

“I’mgladIdumpedyou,you’rejustacheapslutanyway!”Meaghanturnsfromthe

doorupset,IspinbacktofacehimbutbeforeIcanstopmyselfI’mpullingbackmyfist
andit’sconnectingwithhisnose.“Ugh,forfuckssakeGrace.Whatwasthatfor?”Owen
walksaroundRossquicklyandstandsbetweenus.”

“Youareadirty,cheatinglittletoeragandI’mwarningyoutokeepawayfromher!

NexttimeI’llkickyousohardintheballsit’lltakeaDoctortoretrievethem.NOW
LEAVE!”“Grace,calmdown.Owengrabsmearoundthewaistliftingmefromthefloor
andwalksmebackintotheflatawayfromhim.Rossstandsholdinghisnose.Owenputs
medowngetssometissueandhandsittohim.

“Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingonbutIthinkyoushouldleaveRoss.”Owensayssternly.

“I’mgoing!”Heholdshisnoseandturnsaway.

Iswingthedoorafterhim,Idon’tseeifhe’soutofthewaybutitslamsshutanyway.

“Whatwasallthatabout?Trustmetocomebackatthewrongtimeorrighttime

whicheverwayyouwanttolookatit.”Owenjokesfollowingmebackin.

Pacingthefloor,Itrytogetmytemperundercontrol.Meaghangoestoherroomupset,

I’mnotsureifI’vejustmadethingsworsebutI’llspeaktoherlater.Owenwalksuptome
slowlyandstandsinfrontofme.“Heythere,Rocky.”Hesmirks.

“Don’tpushit.”Igrin.

“Whathappened?”

“HesaidsomethingsIdidn’tlike.Iwasn’tinthemoodforitthismorning.”

“Remindmenottoupsetyou.”Owensayswithacrookedsmile.Ican’thelpbutsmile

backbutI’mwonderingwhyhecameback.

“Whyareyouhere?”Iaskhiminasmallvoiceasthesmirkfallsfrommyface.He

looksatthefloorbeforelookingbackatme.Hiseyesaresad,apologetic.

“I’msorry.ThelastthingIwanttodoisleadyouon.Myheadisallovertheplaceand

thismorningIthoughtaftergettingeverythingoutitwouldhelpbutitdidtheopposite,
everythingwasarealityagain.”Heholdsmyhandloosely,“Ijustneededtogetmyhead
togetherthat’sall.”

“And,wheredoesthatputme?I’mnotpushing-Iswear,I’djustliketoknow.”Iask

himnervously.Hestepscloseruntilwe’retouching.

“I’dliketotry….Ifyoustillwantto?I’mnotsayingit’sgoingtobeeasybutis

anything?”

MyheadshakesasIfeelasmallsmileappearonmyface.“No,it’snot.”Owen’shead

dipsashebringshislipstomeetmine.Softly,tenderly,theytouch,myhandsrestingon

hischestwhilehishandscupmyfaceandpushintomystillwethairashepullsme
towardhimuntilIcanfeelourbodiespressingagainsteachotherandthepressureonmy
lipsincrease.HistonguepressesagainsttheseamofmylipsaskingforentranceandI
complyinstantly,histongueslidesagainstmine,slow,sensual,I’veneverbeenkissedlike
this,ever.Ipushupontomytiptoesandslidemyarmsaroundhisneckpullinghimcloser
still.Ican’tgetenoughofhimnowIhavehim.Iknowthisisn’tgoingtobeeasybutI’m
goingtogiveitadamngoodtry.

Hereleasesmewaytoosoonformylikingbutsmilesashegazesatmejustholding

meclose.“Idon’tknowhowI’mgoingtotellElla.”

“Let’stakeitonestepatatime,wedon’thavetorushanything.”ItellhimasIpull

himtowardsthecouchandsitdownpullinghimdownwithme.Hisarmgoesaroundmy
shouldersashetucksmeintohissideandsighs.

NomorewordsarespokenasIlayagainsthimfeelingcontented,happy.Idon’tknow

howlongthiswilllastbutthewayI’mfeelingrightnowIintendtocherishit.

Meaghanenterstheroomlookingalittlebetterbutconfusedasshelooksatus.

“What’sthis?Areyoutwoliketogethernow?”Inodproudly.

“Yes,weare.”

“Doesheknow?”Owenlooksbetweenusaswetalkincode.

“No.That’suptoyou.”

“I’mpregnant.Idon’tknowhowfarIamthoughI’vebeenthrowingupthismorning.”

“Soundslikeyou’reatleastsixweeks.You’llwantsomegingerbiscuitsit’sgoodfor

morningsickness,keepthembythebedandeatonewhenyoufirstwakeup.”

“Areyouadoctor?”

“No,afinancialadvisor.”Hesmirks.

“Howdoyouknowthen?”

“Mywife,hadalotofsicknesswhenshewashavingElla.”

“Ohhh.Thanks.”Meaghanfrownsandlooksbetweenusagain.Ishakemyhead

slightlyhopingshegetsthemessagetoshuthermouthbeforeshedecidestoengageher
brain.“Well,I’llleaveyoutoitthen.ThanksOwen.”

“So,she’spregnantthen?Whatshegoingtodo.Itakeitit’sRoss’s?”

“That’swaytoomanyquestions,whydon’tyoujustkissmeinstead.”Withoutany

moreinstruction,hegrinsashislipscovermineinasearingkissandIhopeitneverends.

CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

Owen

After

seeingRachelatthegraveyard,shekindofputmymindatease,Ifeltreally

awkwardtalkingtoherifthetruthbeknown,especiallywhenIknowitwasVic’sMum
butshewasprobablythebestpersontotalktoaboutthis.MyMumjustdoesn’twantto
seemeonmyownanymore,Igetthat,Ido,butshehasnoideajusthowhardthishas
been.I’veknownGracearoundsix,eightweeksandwe’vebeenouttwicebutshe’slike
takesovermywholeheadspacewhenI’mwithher-maybesheiswhatIneed,who
knows…allIcandoisseehowitgoes.IreallylikeherandsodoesEllasothathastobe
something.

I’vebeenherethelastcoupleofhours.GraceandIarelyingtogetheronthecouch,

hercuddledupbesideme.“I’mgoingtohavetogetgoingsoontopickupElla.”Shenods
butdoesn’tmoveoffme.Myphoneringsinmypocket,Imanoeuvremyphonefrommy
pocketandseeit’sMum.PuttingmyfingertomylipsIslideacrosstoanswer.“HiMum.”

“DADDY!”

“Heybabygirl,youokay?”

“Whenwillyoubehere?”

“I’llbetheresoon,Ijusthadsomethingstodofirst.”Gracelooksupatme,hereyes

happy.ShesmileswhenshehearsElla’svoice.

“OkayDaddy.Seelater.”

“Byesweetheart.”IhearmyMum’svoiceaskingifshe’shappynowthenspeaksinto

thephone.

“Hellodarling.Doyouwantsomelunch?”

“Yeah,whynot.I’llbebackinaroundhalfanhour,isthatokay?”

“Yes,ofcourse.Seeyousoon.”ClickingoffthephoneIlayitdownonthefloor.

“Iseverythingokay?”

“Yeah,shejustwantedtobeknowwhenIwouldbeback,that’sall.”

Shesmilesandleansuptowardsme.Herlipspressagainstmine.Myhandcupsher

headasIkissheronelasttime,mytonguetanglingwithhers-tastingher,remembering
herincaseIdon’tgettokissheragainthisweek.

I’mstuffedaftermyroastbeeflunch.MyMumneverdoessmallportions.“Iwenttothe
graveyardtoday.”

“Ohyeah.Everythingokay?”Sheasksonafrown.

“Yeah…wellIhadareasonforgoing,Isuppose.“

“Owenyou’renottalkingsense.”

Isighheavily.“RememberItoldyouaboutGrace?”IaddquietlysoElladoesn’thear

me.Mumtipsherheadtowardsthekitchen.IgetupandEllalooksup,ItellherI’llonly
beafewminutesandshegoesbacktoherjigsaw.

“Goon.”Mumtellsmeasweentertheroomandshutthedoor.

“IknowthisisprobablygoingtocheeryouupbutI’mseeingGrace.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Mumhonestly?”Ilaunchintotellingheraboutlastnightandgoingfullexposureto

Graceonregardstomylife,thenfeelinglikeshitthismorning,seeingRachelatthe
graveyardandhergivingmeadviceonhowtogoaboutstuff.

“DoyoufeelbetteraftertalkingtoRachelthough?”

“Ido,yeah.Alittle,wellenoughtogobackaroundthere,apologiseandworksome

stuffoutbetweenusanyway.”

“I’mproudofyou,son.There’snotmanythatlosesomeonelikeyoudidandpickup

thepiecestolookafterababy.Iknowthatwashard….somepeoplecan’tcopeaftera
deathletaloneababytoo.”

“YouthinkIcoped?IwasamessmostdaysbutVicandEllawerecountingonmeto

dotherightthingandIhadyoutokickmeupthearse.Idon’twhatwillhappenorevenif
itgoesthatfar-Iwantittoo,Ijustdon’tknow…”shehugsmearoundthewaistbecause
shecan’treachmyneckasIkissthetopofherhead.“ThanksMum.”

“WhendoImeetherofficially?”

“You’vemether.”

“Officially.Owen.I’vemetherasGrace’sdanceteacher,notasyourgirlfriend.”

“Mum,we’retakingitslowly.”

“Okay.”shesighs.Shegrinsassheflipstheswitchonthekettleandwaitsforittoboil.

“Coffee?”

“Goonthen,thenI’mtakingEllahome.”

Thislastfewweekshasflewbyinamountainofwork,dropofftodanceclassesand

phonecallswithGrace.We’vespentabitoftimetogetheratweekends,Ifeellikea
teenageragain.WhenIseeGrace,Itrytokeepitprofessionalbutit’ssohardnottograb
her,kissherandsayfuckitinfrontofeveryone.Myemotionsarestillworkingagainstme
butIrefusetoletthemruinthis.I’vetriedtokeepEllaoutofthisasmuchasIcan,Iknow
shelikesGraceandIdon’twanthertogettooemotionallyinvolved.It’shardenoughfor
mebutIhavetoletgoofher-justlikeMumandRachelsaid.Ihavebeenlettinggo
slowly.

IgetinfrompickingupEllafromdanceclass,dropourbagsandgetsomethingquick

onfordinner.“Ella,whatdoyouwantforyourdinnersweetheart?”

“Nuggets!”ItakethenuggetsandDonald’sfriesasshecallsthemfromthefreezerand

turnontheoven.

“Ellacanyoucomehereaminuteplease?”

Shecomesrunningbackintothekitchen.“WhatDaddy?”

Ipickherupandsitheronthekitchentable.Pushingthehairoutofherface,she

blowsattheloosestrandsofhair.“HowwouldyoulikeifGracecamehere?”

“Gwace…myGwace?”Inodasshepointstoherchest.

“Yeahhh,when?CansheDaddy,canshe…peeaaase?”

“I’mnotsureyet,I’llaskher.”Itellherlaughingatherexcitement.

Sheglancesuplookingthoughtfulbeforespeakingagain.“Daddy,doesthatmeanI’ll

belikeotherchildwenandhaveaMummy?”MyheartskipsabeatasIrealisejusthow
muchmygriefhasaffectedher.Thelumpinmythroatexpandstothesizeofmywhole
throatandIstruggletobreathe.HowdoIexplainthistoher?Ipullherintomeandhold
her,strokingherhair.

“Princess,youhaveaMummy,she’sjustnothereliketheotherchildren,yours

watchesyoufromheavenandkeepsyousafe.Iknowyounevermetherbutshelovesyou
verymuch.”

“Okay.CanIgonow?”Andlikethattheconversationisover.Shelooksatmewithher

bigblueeyes.Vic’seyes.BlowingoutashakybreathIliftherfromthetable,placeheron
thefloorandwatchherrunbacktothelivingroom.Ishakethesadnessoff,cookher
dinnerwhileIdrinkacupofcoffeeanddecidetoaskGracewhenIringhernext.

“ItoldEllayouwouldhavedinnerwithus.”ItellGraceasI’mlyingonthecouchafter
Ellahasgonetobed.

“Howdidshetakethat?”Sheaskswithcautioninhertone.

“Howdoyouthink?Shewasoverthemoon.She’stakentocallingyouherGrace.I

thinkIhaveafightonmyhandswithmyfour-year-olddaughter.”

“Ohh,wellifithelpsIreallylikehertoo.”

“Sotomorrowthen?AfterclassorwecandoFriday,ifthat’sbetter?”

“CanwedoFriday?Meaghanisgoingawayforalittlebittogetherheadonstraight

andtodecidewhatshe’sgoingtodoaboutthebaby.Rosskeepstextingherallthetimeso
Ijustwanttospendtomorrownightwithheristhatokay?”

“Yeahofcourseitis.”Ichuckle.“Fridayprobablyworksbetteranyway,givesusall

moretime.”

“Howdoyouthinkshe’llbewhenwetellherwe’reacouple?”

“Idon’tthinkshe’llbetooconcernedit’llbelikewateroffaduck’sback.”

“GoodIdon’twanthertohatemefortakingyouaway.”

“She’sfourshewon’tthinkthatIpromise.”Shesighsdownthereceiver,itmakesme

smile,herlittlequirksareadorable.We’vebeentalkingonthephonealotrecently,Ifeel
comfortablearoundherwhichsurprisesmealittlebit.Shetellsmeaboutherdayandshe
asksmeaboutwork,weleaveitthereasItellherI’llseehertomorrowwhenIdropoff
Ella.

I’mnervous.Again!Whatthefuck,I’maman.WhyamInervous-she’sjustcoming

fordinner?Manup,yousap!MumbringsthelasagnearoundandItakethegarlicbread
fromthefridgereadytocookintheoven.IwasgoingtocookbutMumofferedtocook
herlasagnesoIaccepted,whoamItoarguewiththewomanifshewantstocookand
anywayit’smuchbetterthanmycooking.IknowwhatMum’sgameisthough,I’ve
clockedontothefactshejustwantstobenosy;Ishould’veknownreally.

ThereisaknockonthedoorasIputthegarlicbreadinandEllarunstotheit,“Ella

don’topenthedooronyourown.”

“It’sokayI’mwithher.”Mumshoutsback.Ibreatheindeeplyandturntofacethe

door.GraceistalkingtomyMum,smilingasEllaiswrappedaroundherlegs.She’sgot
darkbluejeansinwithripsinthelegs,awhiteroundnecktopthathangslongeratthe
backandshorteratthefrontjustsittingonherwaistline.Shehasherwedgesonandher
darkhairisdown,sittingagainstthebareskinofherbackwherehertophasalowV.My
mouthbeginstowater.Shemustfeelmelookingather,hergazesettlesonmineand
smilessoftlyatme.Shakingoutofthetranceshehasmeunder,Ismileback.

ShepicksupEllaandwalksfurtherinandIdon’ttakemyeyesoffheruntilI

rememberthegarlicbreadisintheoven.Icheckonthatthengoovertogreether.

“Hey.”Iguessthisthetimesheshouldprobablymeetmymother,“Gracethisismy

Mum,Sue.Iknowyou’vemetbutyouknow,Ithoughtyoushoulddoitofficially.Mum

thisisGrace.”

“It’slovelytomeetyouGrace,officially.Well,I’llbeoffthen.Haveagoodnightand

EllaI’llseeyoutomorrow.GiveNannaakiss.”Shejumpsintoherarmsandkissesher.
Mumwinksassheleaves.”Shakingmyhead,IclosethedoorafterherandtellGraceto
takeaseat.

“Dinnerwasreallynicethankyou.”Shesaystakingtheplatestothekitchen.

“Youdon’thavetodothat,I’llcleanupinabit.”

“It’sfine,Iwantto.”SheputstheplatesonthesideasEllarunsupstairstogeta

princessdressontoshowGrace.Istopherasshe’swalkingbacktoherchairandgripher
wristlightlytopullhertowardsme.Shestandsbetweenmylegsandrestsherforearmson
myshouldersasshedipsherheadandgivesmeasmallkissonthelips,itfeelsstrange
especiallybeinghere.Myhandsrestatthebackofherthighsasshedoesitagain.

HearingElla’svoicemakesusbreakapartquickly.“WhyareyoukisthinGwace,

Daddy?”Busted!Ididn’thercomebackdownthestairs.Shewatchesmeforananswer
withherhandsoverhermouthgiggling.

“Erm…becauseIlikeher?”ItellhereyeswideasshestandsinherBelledress

completewithtiarainherhairandtwirlsaround.Kissingforgotten.

“Look,Gwace.I’mapwincess.”

“Yousureare.That’sbeautiful.”

“Ella.Tenminutesandbathtime.”ItellherasshebeamsfromGrace’scompliment.

“ReallyDaddydoIhaveto?”Shesulks.

Icrookmyfingerandcallhertome,turningawayfromGraceforaminute.“Yes,

really.”Ikissherforehead,“nowgoplayfortenminuteswhileItalktoGrace.”

“AlrightDaddy.”Sherunsintothelivingroomagainandcarriesonplaying,soItake

advantageofthepeaceforalittlewhile.GracesitsnexttomeatthetableasIholdher
handonmyleg.

“Sorry.”

“Whatfor?Itwasquitefunnyseeingyoubetoldoffbyafour-year-old.”

“Ibettergoandrunherbubblebath,I’llbebackinfive.”ShenodsandsmilesasIkiss

heragainthenwalkaway.

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

Grace

Watching

Ellatwirlaroundwarmsmyheart,she’sjustsofulloflifeandprettywith

herblondehair.ShelookssomuchlikeOwen.Ilaughasshefallstothegroundfrom
gettingdizzytwirlingwhenaphotocatchesmyeye.It’stheothersideoftheroomandI
can’tseeitproperly,asIgetuptomoveandtakeacloserlook,OwenshoutsEllamaking
mejump.

“Willyoustillbehereaftermybath,Gwace.”

“Yesofcourse.”Shesmileshappilyandrunsupstairsforherbath.WhileOwenis

upstairsItidyupthekitchen,savehimajoblater.Iloadupthedishwasherwiththeplates
andLasagnedish,thenwipethesidesover.

OncethatjobisdoneIgobacktothelivingroomandsitbackdowntowaitonOwen.

Thephotocatchesmyeyeagainandmebeingcurious,Ithink‘hellwithit’andcrossthe
roomuntilIreachit.Ipickitandlookclosely.Itmustbetheirweddingday.It’sbeautiful.
She’sbeautiful,howdoIcomparetoher.She’sblonde,herhairispinnedbackawayfrom
herfaceincurlsbutwithstrandshangingdown,theylooksohappy.Owenlooksgorgeous
inhisthree-piecesuit…

“Whatareyoudoing?”Ispinaroundwithmyheartonmychest.Iplacethephotoback

downonthesmalltableandstand.

“Youscaredme.Iwasjustlookingatyourpicture.I‘msorry.”

“Erm….Ellawantstoknowifyou’llreadherastory?”

“Oh,yeahI’vecourseIwill.”Hestandsstoic,notlookingatme,butatthefloorasI

walkpasthimandupthestairs.“Herbedroomisacrossthelandingandsecondonthe
left.”

Shit,shit,shit!WhydidIpickitup?Openingthedoor,Iseeherlyinginbedwithher

princessduvetcoveringher.“Hi.”

“Gwace!”Itakeaseatatthesideofthebedandpickupthebookthatshe’sgotinher

hand.

“Hmmm,SleepingBeautyhuh?Iusedtolovereadingthisbook.Areyouready?”She

nodsenthusiasticallyasIgetcomfyatthesideofher.“Onceuponatimeinacastlefar
away…”

Igetaroundaquarterintothebookandshe’ssleepingsoundly.Iclosethebookand

kissherbrowthenstand,I’mnotsureifshehasherdoorshutsoIleaveitopeninstead.

AsIwalkdownthestairsIseeOwensittingonthecouchwithhisfaceinhishands.As

IreachhimIputmyhandonhisshoulder.

“Owen?”Whenhedoesn’tanswerIwalkaway,“maybeIshouldgo.”Igrabmybag

andheadforthedoor.

“Don’tgo.Please?”Iturnbackaround.“I’msorry,Ishouldn’thavesnapped,it’sjusta

photo.I’mamoron.”Hestandsandwalkstowardsme.HIshandsgripmyshoulders,
“don’tgo…?”Inodashetakeshisbagfrommeandplacesitbackdownonthetable.He
pullsmetowardsthecouchandIsitdown.“WasEllaokay?”

“Yes,fastasleep.”

“Willyouforgiveme?”heasks.Withouthesitation,Inodathimandsmilesoftly…

“It’sfineandyou’renotamoron.Ishouldn’thavepickeditup.”

“It’sjustaphotoGrace.”

“No,it’snot,it’samemory.Itwouldn’tbethereifyoudidn’twanttoremember.”

“Ishouldn’tneedaphototoremember.”

“Lookit’sokay,Ipromise.”Iturnonanangletofacehim.Helooksmeoverandgives

meatight-lippedgrin.Wrappingmeinhisarmshekissesmyhead,Ilookupathimfrom
myplaceonhischest,hisheaddipsandsoftlyhislipstouchagainstmine,Iopenupfor
him,histongueminglingwithmine,hishandcuppingmycheekasheentwinesmy
fingersfrommyotherhandwithhis.Hepushesmedownuntilmybacktouchesthe
softnessofthecouchandtakesthekissdeeper,hotterashedevoursme.I’mlosttohimas
henibbles,suckslicksatmylipsandtongue.Myhandsrunoverthemusclesinhisback
andoverhisbumsqueezingsoftly.

“Vic…”Hegasps.Ileanbackfromhimashiseyescloseinregret.Islidefromunder

himandsitup.Istandfromthecouchandturnawayfromhimgettingmybreathback.
ThetearsbegintofillmyeyesbutIswallowhardtryingtoholdthemback.“Grace,I’m
sosorry.Itwasanaccident.”

“Iknowitwas.Ibettergo,Ishouldn’thavestayed.”

“Grace,pleasewecanworkthisout.”

Myheadshakesasmychintremblesnotabletostopit.“It’snotagoodidea.”He

standsinfrontofmeasIclosemyeyes.

Hestepsbackfrommeandsitsdownwithasighonthecouch“IthoughtIcoulddo

thisGrace.”Hetakesaseatnexttomebutleavesagapbetweenus,Ihatethedistance
betweenusbutmaybeit’sforthebest.Myhandsfidgetinmylap,Icanfeelhisgazefixed
onmebeforeIglancebackupathim.

“Maybeweshouldn’t…shouldn’tbetogether.”Istutter.“You’renotreadyOwenandI

totallyunderstandthatbutIcan’tfightforaplaceinyourheartandIwon’tmakeyou
chooseeitherI’mnotthatkindofperson.Ifmaybeintimetocomeyouthinkyou’reready
totryagainthenI’llbehere.”

“Idon’twantyoutogo,Grace.Iwanttobewithyou,itwasjustaslip-Ididn’tmean

anythingbyit.Don’tdothisGrace,please…”

“I’msorrybutIhaveto.”Myheadshakes.“I’llgiveyousomespace,Idon’twantto

rushyouintoanythingOwen,It’snotfaironyou.”Mylipsghostacrosshischeekina
simplekiss,theythentouchhislips,softandwet,tearstricklingdownmyface,I’msure
hecantastethem.Mybreathhitchesandeyescloseasourlipstouch,theytrembleasI
pressthemagainsthis.Hisforeheadpressesagainstmineandhisarmgoesaroundmy
backashepullsmeagainsthimbriefly,hekissesthetopofmyheadaswepartandI
inhaledeeply.“ByeOwen.”Isigh.

Istandfromthecouchandturnawayfromhimbeforethelookonhisfacemakesme

stay,Igrabmyhandbagonthewayoutofthedoorandcloseitquietlybehindme,not
stoppingtoturnbacktoonceagainseethedevastatinglookonhishandsomeface.

Sittinginmycarforawhile,Ithinkabouteverything.MaybeIwasalittleharsh.The

manlosthiswifeandI’mintrudingonhislife,ofcoursehe’sgoingtosayhernameand
I’minhishouse.

WowGraceyoumessedthatoneup,youdippycow.

Wipingawaytheunshedtearsfrommyeyes,Igrabmybagagainandgetoutofthe

car.

BreathingindeeplyIknockonthedoorandwait.

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

Owen

Fuck!

WhatthehelldidIdo?

MykneesbuckleandIfalltothecouchbehindme,slumpingintothecushions.My

eyescloseonahuff.Ican’tbelieveIdonethat.Maybeitwasbecausewewerehere,I
haven’tsaidthatbefore,Shit!IfIwantanytypeofafutureIreallyneedtosortmyshitout
butIdon’tknowhowto.

InsteadofdwellingoneverythingthathappenedtonightItaketheglassesinthe

kitchenwhichiswhenIseeshecleanedup.Standingonthethresholdofthekitchenmy
handsrestonmyhipsandhangmyheadwithanexhaustedsigh.

Maybethingswilllookbetterinthemorning.Ihopeanyway.

Thereisaquietknockatthedoor,frowningIheadtowardsitandopenitslowly.My

facemustshowmysurprisethoughwhenIseeGracestandingbeforemebecausehereyes
arewidewithtrepidation.“Hey.Ithoughtyou’dgone?”

Herheadshakes.“Well,IsatinmycarthinkingI’matotalbitchandsurelyafter

everythingyou’vegonethroughIcancopewithbeingcalledadifferentname-justthis
once,maybe.Icanstillgo,ifyoureallywantmetoothough.”

“No,Idon’twantyoutogo.Comein,you’llgetcoldoutthere.”Itakeherhandand

pullherinfromoutsidethedoor.Shedropsherbagdownagain.“You’renotabitch,don’t
callyourselfthat,now…wouldyoulikeacoffee?”

“Please.”IleaveherinthelivingroomwhileIgointhekitchentomakeadrink.Shit,I

neverthoughtshe’dbeback.“Areyouokay?”Hertimidvoicesoundsfromthedoorway.I
lookacrossbutIdon’tspeak,Ican’t.Ihavewaytoomuchstuffrunningriotinmyhead
rightnow.Stirringthedrinks,Itakethemthrough,setthemdownonthetableandtakea
chair.IpointataseatforGracetotake.“I’msorry,Grace.Idon’tknowwhatmademe
sayit…”

Shecutsmeoffsuddenly…“Owenit’salright.Iwasalittleharshandheartless,I

guessIjustdidn’texpectitthat’sall.Youthrewmecompletely.”Hergazedropstoher
handsastheyfidget.

“Grace?”Hereyesfindmineasshelooksup.“Idolikeyou,youknowthatdon’tyou.”

Shenods.“Ithinkso.”

“Maybeyouwereright,maybeI’mnotready.”Itellherasshereachesherhandacross

thetableandgripsmine.

“I’dliketofindout,ifyouwould?”Sheanswersquietly.

“WhatifI’mnotready?”Iquestion,likeI’mtryingtofindawayoutofallthis-but

I’mnot,Ineedhertoknowwhatshe’sinfor.

“Well,thenit’sariskwe’llhavetotake,orI’llhavetotake.”

“Ineedtoknowthatyou’resureyou’rereadyforthat?”

“Iwon’tknowifIdon’ttry.Iknow…Idon’tknowyouthatwell,orElla,butI’dlike

togettoknowyouboth.I’velovedtheselastfewmonthstalkingtoyouandlaughingwith
you.”Ifollowhereverymovement,shepullsherchairforwardalittleuntilshe’scloserto
me.

Herhandrestsonmyknee,coveringherhandwithmine,Igazedownatourjoined

ones.GrippingthechairatthelegsItugherclosertomeuntilshe’ssittinginbetweenmy
legs.

LeaningforwardIrestmyelbowsonmykneeswithherhandstillinmine.“I’dliketo

trytoo.”Asmilecrossesmyface,Iliftherhandandkissherknucklestenderlyasshe
smiles.“Ican’tpromiseIwon’tscrewupthough.”

“Icanhandleit.”Nodding,Ismileagainthenleanforwardandpressmylipstohers.

HerhandscupmyfaceasItakethekissdeeper.Breakingthekiss,Ipullawayslightlyto
lookather.

“IthoughtI’dmessedthisupcompletely.”

“Shhh.”Herfingerscovermylipsbeforeswappingthemforherlipsandkissingme.

StandingoutsideofGrace’sdoorIwaitforhertoanswer.Weneveractuallymadeany

arrangementstogoouttonightbutEllawenttoherNanna’shousetosleepanyway,it
seemslikeshe’susedtoitnow.ThedooropensjustasI’mabouttoraisemyhandagain,
shesmilesasshelooksupatme.ForthefirsttimesinceImetherIhaveasenseofhope
rushthroughme,aneed.“Hey.”Shewhispers.HergazeholdsmineasIstillstandoutside
herdoor.

“CanIcomein?”Iaskwithasmirk.

“Ohmygosh,yes.Comein,I’msorry.”FollowingherinIshutthedoorbehindme

andheadforthecouch.

“So,Iknowwedidn’tplananythingtonightbutIwantedtoseeyou.”Itellherfeeling

atadnervousasshesitsnexttome,whyIdon’tknowbutit’slikeseeingheragainforthe
firsttime,butwitheyeswideopenthistime.Herdarkhairisinplaits,shehasnomake-up
oneither,notthatshewearsmuchanywayjustusuallyabittoenhanceheralready
beautifulgreeneyes.IstareforabeattoolongasIwatchherlongeyelashesfluttertoa
close.Mythumbsmoothsacrosshersoft,silkycheekonitsownaccord.

“Youdid?”

“Idid.”Smilingather,myfingersreacharoundtothebackofherneckandeaseher

towardsme.Hersoftsighsasourlipstouchputmeonhighalert,makingmewanther.
BothhandsgripthesidesofherheadasItakethekissthatlittlebitdeeper,anglingher
headtothesideasshetakesitfromme.Tonguesgrazingagainsteachotherassheopens
upforme.Movingcloseronthesetteetowardsme,herhandsfistmyt-shirtasherbreasts
settleagainstmychest.SlowingdownourkissIbreakawaywithsmall,softkissestoher
lipsasshepants.Ihaven’tkissedanyonelikethatinawhile,butthennoonehascome
alongtoevenwantto.“Openyoureyes.”

“Wow.”Hereyesflickeropenfullofdesireandwantasherhandstrokesdownmy

chestuntilitstopsitsjourneyandrestsonmystomach,wakingupmyowndesireforher.
Mybreathingstillheavyfromourkiss,Ipullhergentlyontomylapuntilshe’sstraddling
mylegs.Herhandspushupthehemtomyt-shirtrevealingmystomachasherhothands
touchmeandskimovermyskinlightly,myerectionpushespainfullyagainstthezipon
myjeans,throbbing.MyhandscoverherasIguidethemupfurtherpushingmyt-shirtup
higheruntilit’sbunchedaroundmyribs.GrabbingthebackoftheneckIpullitovermy
offandthrowittothefloor.

Gracegaspsandbitesdownonthecornerofherswollenbottomlip,herhands

caressingmybody.Sheleansforwardandplacesasmallfeathertypekisstomychest.
Tuggingherclosertome,myswollencocksitsbeneathhercoreasIfeeleveryslight
movementshemakesmakingitharder.TakingtheelasticsfromherhairIgentlypullout
theplaitsandbrushitthroughwithmyfingers.Hereyescloseasherheadfallsbackona
sigh.Leaningforwardmyarmswraparoundherwaistasherbodyarchestowardsme,my
lipsghostupanddownherneck.Myhandsclutchherpetitebodyfeelinghersoftcurves
astheyrunupanddownhersides.

“FuckGrace.”Mylipswhisperkissesacrosshercollarboneanddownherchestbefore

liftingmyheadandconnectingourlipsagain.WithherhandinmineIpushitdownto
grazethebulgeinmyjeansasshegaspsintomymouth.“Iwantyou,Grace.”Shenods
heracceptance.Istandwithherinmyarmsandwalkustowardherbedroom.

Iopenthedoortoherroomasshekissesme.“IwantyouOwen.”Withoutsaying

anotherword,Ipushhergentlytothebedasshepushesuptotheheadandlaysherhead
onthepillow,thenIcoverherbodywithmineasmyerectionrubsagainstherleg.Idrag
hert-shirtoverherheadasmyheaddipsandplacewetkissestoherlacecoveredbreasts.I
don’twanttothinkinthismoment-Ijustwanttobefocusedonthepetitedancerthatlies
beneathme,theonethat’shadmeinknotsoverwhatistherightthingtodo-butright
nowthisistherightthing.

Pushingherleggingsdownoverherhipssheliftsherbumfromthebedandwrigglesto

helpmetakethemoff.IstandasIpullthemfromhertanned,tonedlegs.Herskinhasan
olivecolourtoitgivingitlikealighttanandseeingherinherfullformwithherlacy
knickerscoveringherpussymakesmydickevenharder.Istoptoadmirethebeauty
beneathmeandtakedownmyjeansandboxersatthesametime,takingmyshoesand
socksoff,Ikickoffmyjeans,gaspingsoftlyasshelooksatmefromheadtotoeanddraw

herknickersdownherthighs.Icrawlupherbodyandlienexttoherleaningonmyelbow
practicallyhoveringoverherjustaninchfromherlips,IcaressherfaceasIgazeintoher
beautifuleyesthenkissherlipsgently.MyhandfindsherbreastasIcaressittenderly.

“Areyousureyou’rereadyforthisOwen?”Shequestionsinahuskybutunsurevoice.

“Yep,I’mtakingfiveminutestoadmireyoursexybodybutIdon’tthinkIcanwaitany

longer.”alightblushcovershercheeksasIgrabherhandplaceitonmythrobbing
erectionasshestrokesupanddownslowly.

“Idon’twantyoutowaitanylongerIneedyou.”Withouthersayinganythingelsemy

handtrailsdownherbodyuntilmyfingersfindherclit.MythumbnudgesitasIpush
throughtoheropening,slidingafingerinherwetheat,Irubinsmallcirclesasherlegs
openfurtheroninstinct.Hersoftgroansandwrithingonthebedundermyfingersmakes
mesmile.CoveringherbodyupIlinemydickupwithheropeningandpushgentlyinside
hermakinghergaspatthefullness.SheclutchesontomewhileasIgoslowly.Hereyes
openandholdmygaze,Ileandownandcaptureherlipsasherhandscoastupanddown
myarmsandshouldersandovermyback,hernailsdigginginasIpickuptherhythmand
intensity.MytonguelicksandnibblesatherlipsthentraildownuntilIreachherbreast
andsuckhernippleintomymouth,“Owen,shit!”

HerdarkhairfansoutaroundherasIseeonlyher,herbreathypantsandgaspsmake

meharder.Sheclenchesaroundmeasherlegswraparoundmywaist,Ithrustharder
wantinghertohaveherreleasebeforeme,Ipushmyhandbetweenusandthumbherclit
asherlegstenseandherbackarchesfromthebed,nomorethanaminutelatersheis
shoutingmynameoutthroughherclimax.I’veresistingthetemptationtopoundintoher
untilnowbutIneedmyreleasetoo,IdriveharderintoherasIreachmyclimax.Myhead
dipsandrestsonherstomachstillholdingherthighs.

CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR

Grace

heartpoundsinmychestasIcomedownfromthehighOwenhashadmeon.My

handsgotohisheadasitlaysonmytummyashetriestogethisbreathback.Myfingers
kneadthroughhishairgently.WhenmybreathhasreturnedtousualpaceItrytomove
mylegsandconsideringI’madancer-they’reasstiffasaboard.Hasitreallybeenthat
longsincesexualactivities?Shitwoman!

Owenliftshisheadandplacesakissonmytummy,hisscruffscrapesagainstmyskin

butenjoyingtheroughnessofit.HemovesslightlyandIgasp.“I’mgoingtomove.”he
gentlypullsoutofme,sitsonthebedandscrubshishandsoverhisface.Hestandsand
looksatme,grinsbuthiseyesarefullofsomethingelsewhichIcan’tread,Iglanceaway
sohedoesn’tfeelsouncomfortableandhewalksfromtheroom,pickinguphisjeanson
theway.

Straighteningmylegs,Irubsomelifebackintothemandrealisethere’sawetpatch

underneathme.Fuck!Wedidn’tuseacondom.Rollingfromthebed,Igrabsomeclean
underwearanduntilIcanjumpintheshowerlater,Ithrowsomeshortsandavesttopon.
SittingbackonthebedIpullmykneesintomychestandwrapmyarmsaroundthem,
placingmychinontopandwaitforOwentoreturn.ThedoortothebathroomclosesandI
watchandwaitforminetoopenbutitdoesn’t.Whenhedoesn’treturn,Istandfromthe
bedandheadoutintothelivingroomwherehe’spullingonhist-shirt.“Don’tputiton,on
myaccount.”

Heturnssharplyandgrinssadly.“Hey.”Iignoretheplayofemotionsthatseemstobe

ragingthroughhimasIkindofwasexpectingmorefromhimbuthowcanIbethat
heartless,insteadIwalktowardshim.

“Youokay?”Henodseagerly,hedipshisheadandkissesmylips.Iknowhisheadis

workingovertimerightnowsoIgivehimsomespaceandgrabusabeer.Iholdittohim
thensitdownashetakesitfromme.Withhisbacktomehetakesaswigfromthebottle
thenturnsandwalkstowardsme.

“Wedidn’tuseacondomGrace.”Hishandsrubthroughhishair.“Fuckit.I’mclean,I

promisebut…Idon’tknowI’msorry.”“I’mcleantooifthat’swhatyou’reworrying
aboutandIhavethecontraceptiveimplantsodon’tworry.”TakingadrinkofmybeerIlet
thesharpnessofithitmythroatbeforeswallowingitdown.“Youcantalktomeyou
know,tellmehowyou’refeeling…”ItellhimasIlookupathimstandingoverme.

“Grace,thisisn’tyou,it’saboutme.Ididn’texpecttofeellikethis.”hesitsdownand

hangshishead.

“Likewhat?Wasittoosoon?ImeanI’mtakingdirectionfromyouhere.”Ishuffle

towardstheedgeofthecouchandsitnexttohimtryingtoleaveagapbetweenus.He
glancesacrossatmewithacrookedsmile.

“You’rebeautiful.”Hecatchessomehairandtucksitbehindmyearawayfrommy

face.Ismileathiscomplimentbutitdoesn’thelpthechurninginmytummythinkinghe’s
goingtowalkoutthatdooratanyminute.

“Owen,Ican’thelpbutfeelyouregreteverythingthatwe’vejustdoneandjustsoyou

know-Idon’t,butyouhavetotheonetowalkawayfromthisbecauseIcan’t…butIalso
won’tstandinyourway.Iknowit’shardforyouandthecondomissuehasjustaddedto
it.”Myfingersswipeawayatearbeforeithaschancetofall.“Thisismyfault.WhenI
leftlastnight,Ishouldn’thavecomeback,Ishouldhavewalkedawayandgaveyouthe
spaceyouneeded.”

“ButI’mgladyoucameback,Ididn’twantyoutogointhefirstplace.”

Iscoff.“Owen,honestly,youdon’tknowwhatyouwant.I’mhere,butyou’renot.”

PressingmylipstogetherItrytothinkhowtowordthenextpartwithouthurtinghim,
“I’mnotthekindofwomanthatcanhaveafling,Idon’tdoonenightersandI’vebeen
toldonetoomanytimesbymyMumandMeaghanthatIwearmyheartonmysleeve.”
HiseyesareintenseastheytrytotakeinwhatI’msaying,“whatI’mtryingtosayis,if
youcan’tcommittothisasarelationshipthenweshouldenditrightnoworatleastputit
onhold.”

“Grace…?”

Icuphisfaceinmyhands.“Ineedmore,Iwanttobeonyourmindallthetime.Iwant

youtothinkaboutmewhenyou’refeelingdownorlonely….shitthatsoundssoselfish
whenIknowyou’regoingthroughsomuch…I’msorryOwen,butIhavetoprotect
myselfandasmuchasI’mprotectingmyselfI’mtryingtohelpyoutoo.”

ThetearswhichI’veheldback,fallasIfeelthemtrackdownmyface.Histhumb

catchesitbeforeitreachesmyjawlineandsoftlywipesitaway.Weseemtohavebeen
throughsomuchbutinsuchashorttimeandIfIdon’tdothisthenhewon’t.Ihavetobe
thestrongeroneinthis.“I’llstillseeyouwhenEllacomestodanceclass,sonothingwill
changethereandnothingwillchangebetweenmeandElla.”Itakeinadeepbreath,“we
weresupposedtotakethisonedayatatimebutweseemedtohaveleapfroggedover
that.”MyfacedropsintomyhandsasIspeak.NolongerholdingbackthetearsIletthem
fallintomyhands.“Whycouldn’tyouhavejustleft?Iwould’vedealtwithitsomuch
better.”IsniffbacktheuglytearsI’mcrying.I’mtuggedtowardshimashisbotharms
wraparoundmecocooningmeinhiswarmth.Herestshischeekonthetopofmyhead
whileIcrybecauseIknowOwenBateswillneverleavemyheart.

“I’msorry.Inevermeantforyoutogethurt.Iwantedthissobadly.”Hewhispersthen

kissesmyhead,theprotectivearmsthatareholdingmedisappearandsomewhereinthe
backgroundthedoorshuts.FallingsidewaystothecouchIlaywithmycheekonthe
cushionsandcryevenmore.

WakingthenextmorningfeelslikeI’vebeeninsomesortofhypnoticstate,I’m

groggyandmyheadisinastateofdisbelief.Ifeellikehesleptwithmeasatestfor
himselfbutIrefusetobelievethat.Itjusthappenedsoquickly,butyetagainI’velaidmy
heartonthelineandit’salwaysmetobetheonethatgetshurtbutI’veneverfeltlikethis
before.I’mabelieverinlove,butrightnowit’sjustbollocks.Myheartishurting…I
vowedIwouldn’tfallforhimyetIfellwithacrashlandinganddidn’tevenrealiseit.

Where’sMeaghan,where’smybestfriendwhenIneedher.

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

Owen

“FUCK

,FUCK,FUCK!”Ipunchthesteeringwheelwithmyfiststotryandgetrid

ofsomeofthisanger.Whatthefuckhappened?IwassureIcouldhandleit.Iwantedher
sobadbutthenassoonasIrealisedwehadn’tusedanyprotection,Vicwasthereinmy
headandtheonlyimageIcouldseewasthedayIlosther.It’sfuckedup!AmIevergoing
togetoverher?Ican’tlosesomeoneagain.

Ididn’twanttopullawayfromherbutitseemedwrongtostaythereandactlike

everythingwasfine.She’sasmartwomanandshepicksupeverythingandtherewasno
wayIcouldlietoher.

Therestoftheweekendpassesinablur,I’mgrumpyandirritable,I’mangryatmyself

andyetagainI’mangryatVictoofordying.IthoughtIwasoverallthis,Imeanshit,it
wasn’therfaultit’snotlikeitwasplannedbutthattrainofthoughtisnothelpingrightat
thismomentintime.Ibangmyheadonmydeskasthere’satthedoor.“Comein.”

“Ohdear,what’sgoingon?”Jennyasksasshesitsontheoppositesideofmydesk.

“Idon’tthinkyouwanttoknow.”

“Tellme.Aproblemsharedandallthat.”

“Idon’tthinkit’sgoingtomakeablindbitofdifferenceinthismatter.”

“Spill.”

“Okay.”Isigh.“Youknowthegirl,thedanceteacher?WellI’vescrewedupbigtime.”

“I’msureitcanbefixed,Owen.”

“Idon’tthinkso.IsleptwithheronSaturday,OhandthisisthebestonewhenIwas

kissingheronFriday,IsaidVic’snamesonowdoyouthinkitcanbefixed?!”Hereyes
openwideasItellher.

“So,what’shappeningwithitallnow?”

“That’sit.Wetalked,shecriedwhenIpulledawaybutIhadto.Wedidn’tuseanything

andallIcouldthinkaboutwashowVicdied,Imeancomeon-that’sprettyfuckedup,
butyouknowwhattheworsethingis?”Igoonwhensheshakesherhead,“Iactually
wanttotrythisthingwithher,butit’slikethere’sahugebrickwallinfrontofmewith
Vic’sfaceonitthatIcan’tgetoverandeverytimeIgetnearthetop,Ijustfallbackdown.
She’ssweet,understanding,hasanamazingbodyandisdamnwellgorgeoussowhatthe

fuckiswrongwithmeJen?Whycan’tIletgo?”Myhandsscrubmyface.I’mtired-no
I’mexhaustedIhaven’tsleptproperlyinoverfouryearsifI’mhonest,thenthisshitwith
Gracehasmadeitworse.

“GohomeandgetsomesleepwhileEllaisatschool.”

“There’snopointbecausethehousewillbequietandinallhonesty,I’dprefernosleep

thanbeinanemptyhousewithnothingbutmymemoriesandmyfuckups.Imayjustgo
outandabsolutelypissedatleastthenIcanforget.IforgotthelasttimeIdidthat.”

“Ohyeah,that’sagoodideabecausethenyoucanaddstupidityandregrettothatlist.”

Narrowingmyeyes,Iglareather.“Don’tyoulookatmelikethat.AllI’msayingis
you’resensibleandalwayshavebeenwhereEllaisconcernedbutthisthingwithVicand
Grace,onlyyoucandecidewhenyou’reready.Maybeyoushouldseesomeone?Get
someproperhelp.IhatetoseeyoulikethisOwen.”

“Howdidshegetinsidemyheadsoquick,Idon’tunderstand.Itriedtokeepherat

arm’slengthformysakeandElla’sbutshesneakedinthereandtookhold.NowIfeel
guiltybecauseIfeellikeI’mcheatingonthemboth.”

“Lovealwayssneaksupwhenyou’renotreadyforit.”Shesighsheavilyandlooksat

mewithpityinhereyes.“Ihavetogoanddosomework,Ihaveatyrantboss.Gotakean
hourofforsomethingifyouwon’tgohome.Haveabreak.”Shestandsandleavesme
withmoretothinkaboutthenbefore.

Ipullonmyjacketandgrabmyphonethenheadout.AsIwalkpastJenny’sdesk,I

stop,benddownandkisshercheek.“Whatwasthatfor?”Sheasksasherliftstofaceme.

“ThanksJen.”

“Anytime.”

GettinginmycarIstarttodrivearoundincirclesbutendupatTom’splaceeventually.

Iwalkthroughthestoreandadmireallthebikesintheshop.Rubbingmyhandoverthe
blackpaintworkoftheYamahaFZVMAX.

“Well,whatdoIowethepleasureofthisvisit.”MyheadsnapstothesidewhereTom’s

voicecomesfrom.

“IthoughtI’dpopin.Gottimeforacoffee?”

“Anytimeforyou,mate.”

“Ross!I’llbeintheofficeifyouneedme.”LookingacrosstheroomtowhereRossisI

seehe’ssportingaslightblackeyeandsmirk.”

“Wheredidhegethisblackeye?”Iaskhim.

“Saidsomewomanhithim.”Isnortlaugh.

“Somewomanhuh?ItwasGrace.”

“Getthefuckoutofhere!She’stiny.”Helaughs.

“Yeahandfeisty.Meaghanwasupset,hedumpedher,turneduponthedoorstepbeing

thelittlebastardheisandsaidsomechoicethingsaboutMeaghantoGracesoshehithim,
Ihadtopullheroffhim!Ihavetoadmititwassexyasfuck”

“Fuck!Iwouldhavebustaguttoseethat.”

“Yeah,itwasimpressive.”

“How’sMeaghan?”Tomaskswithafrown.

“She’sgonetostaywithherDadIthinkGracesaid.She’sbetteroffwithouthim.”

“Tootruesheis.I’vetoldherthisbefore.”ItakeaswigofmycoffeeasTomeyesme.

“So,what’sup,Iknowthere’ssomething…”

Ilaunchintotellinghimeverything.He’smyfriend,myconfidante,ifIdon’ttellhim

everythingbychoicehe’llfindawayofgettingtherestoutofmeanywaysoImayas
welljustgiveitupattheoff.”

“Fuckman.Whenyoudosomethingyoureallygothewholehog.”

“Thanksforthoseinspiringwords,Ifeelsomuchbetter.”

“I’lllistentoyouallthetimebutyouknowthatthere’sonlyonepersonthatcansolve

thisproblemdude-andthat’syou.”

Inodthendrinktherestofmycoffeewhilemymindspinsandputseverythinginto

categories.

“Soareyoulookingtobuythatbike,I’llgiveyouadiscount.”

“Meonabike,it’sbeenyears.”

“Dude,womenlovebikes.ImagineGrace’sfaceifyoupulleduponabike!”

“That’skindofanon-starter,sothat’samootpoint.”

“ComeonI’llshowyouaroundit.”Standingfromthechair,Ihumourhimby

followinghimbackoutintotheshowroomandlookaroundthebike.It’snicethough.It’s
allblackandshiny,withachromeexhaust,infactit’sabeast.“Sitonit.Comeonpussy.”

Itchingmytrousersupmythighsslightly,Iswingmylegoverthebikeandgetcomfy

onthepaddedseat.Thisisn’tgoodinasuitatall.“Dude!You’llhavehereatingoutof
yourfuckinghand.”hesaysquietlysothecustomersdon’thearhim.

“Dude!”Imockhim,“she’snottheproblem,Iam!”

“Well,sortyourshitoutthen,”heslapsmeontheback,“thencomebackandbuythis

bike;suitsyou,sir!”

“Twat!”Shakingmyheadbutgrinningathispoorattemptofhumour,Iadmirethis

monsteragainandthinkmaybeoneday.Hesecretlyflipsmehismiddlefingerashewalks
awayfromme.

“Comeon,sweetpea.”I’mholdingthedooropenforEllawhileshegetsoutofthecar,
shuttingitbehindher,sherunstothedoorwayoutoftherainwhileIlocktheit.Ifollow
herintothedancehall,Ihaven’tevenreachedthedoorandIhearher,hersweetangelic
voicetellingthekidstogetthemselvesreadytostart.Myfeetcometoastandstill,not
wantingtogoanyfurther.

“Daddy!Comeonquick!”Ellashouts.Mystomachisabundleofnerves.Walking

towardstheopendoorIhearherlaughing…sheturnsbutIstopagainasEllarunspasther
andsitsonthefloor.SheknowsthatI’mherenowotherwiseImayhavebeenacomplete
chickenandhidaroundthecorner.

“Hi.”Shestandsstill,staring.

“Hey.Howareyou?”

“Oh,youknow,great.”

“Okay…well,I’vegotsomecallstomake…”

“Great.”shenods.Hereyesaresad,shehasn’tgotthatsparkleinthemthatI’musedto

seeing.Fuck!ThisissomuchharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe.FrowningIlookoverher
shouldertomakesureElla’sokaybutIneedn’thaveworriedbecauseshe’stalking
animatedlytooneofherfriends.WithoutsayinganythingelseIturnfromherandhead
backoutofthebuilding.

GettinginthecarIflickthroughmyemailsbutthere’snothingremotelyimportant

nothingthatcan’twaituntilmorninganyway.Instead,Ipullupgoogleandsearchgrief
counsellorsinmyareaIfindacoupleofnumbersandsavetheminmyphone.Decidingto
takethebullbythehornsIclickdial…Withinsecondssomeoneanswers,losingmybottle
Iclickthereceiverandhangup.Irestmyheadbackandclosemyeyesforaminutewhile
IwaitforEllatofinish…

Knock,knock.Abangingwakesme.Slowlyopeningmyeyes,IseeGracestandingat

thewindowwithherfistraisedreadytoknockagain.PressingthebuttononthearmrestI
openthewindow.“Finishedalready?”Istretchmystiffmusclesout.

“It’sbeenoveranhour!”Thecornersofherlipsturnupslightlyinasadsmile.

“Shit,you’rebothgettingsoaked.Ella,getinsweetheart.Sheopensthedoorand

Gracepassesmeherdancebag,“sorry.”

“Youlooktired.Youshouldprobablygetsomesleep.”

“Sleep,thatsoundsgood.”Rubbingmytiredeyes,Ianswerher.

“Ibettergo.ByeOwen.”Hervoicehitcheswithaslightgaspasshespeaksinaquiet

voice.EverytimeIhearthatword‘bye’it’sjustcutsdeepereverytime.“ByeElla,seeyou
Thursday.”Gracegivesherafull-onsmile.Startingtheengine,ImakesureEllahason
herseatbeltandpullaway.

“Daddy?IsGwacecomingtoourhouse?”

“NoElla.Nottonight.”

“Tomowwowthen?”

“NoElla.Nottomorroweither.”

“Whenthen?”

Sighingatherpersistence.“Idon’tknowElla,justdropitfornow.”AsIlookather

throughtherear-viewmirror,Iseeherslumpinherseatandpout,sulking.

Whenwepullupathomeherbeltisoffandshe’soffrunningtowardsthefrontdoor

outoftherain.OnceIjoinherIstooptoherlevelandlookherintheeye.“I’msorry
angel.Ididn’tmeantosnap.Daddy’sjustreallytired.”Ipushsomehairtothesideoutof
hereyesandpullherintome,herarmsflingaroundmyneckandhugsmetight,“ahhh,
that’swhatIneededahugfrommyprincess.”

“It’sokayDaddy.”Shepressesherlipsagainstmycheekandkissesme.“Ouch.That

hurtme.”Sherubsherhandovermystubbleonmycheeks.Ireallyshould’veshavedbutI
couldn’tbearsedlastnightorthismorning.

“Don’tyoulikeit.”VerylightlyIrubmychinonhercheeksuntilsheshoutsatmeto

stop.LaughingIputherdownassherunsthroughtheopenfrontdoor.

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

Grace

eyescloseonadeflatedsighasIwatchhimdriveaway.Assoonashewalkedout

onSaturdayIregrettedtellinghimwhatwasinmyhead,Ispentmostofthenightcrying
andSundayIwasonautopilot.Ihadn’tevengotMeaghantokickmeupthearsetostop
mefrombeingsomiserable.Howdiditallgotoshit?ImeanIknowhecalledmehis
dead

wife’snameonFridaybutIwaswillingtolookpastthat,althoughifmybestfriend

hadbeenhereshe’dhavegivenmeabollockingforgivinginsoeasytohim.ButI’man
adultandIcouldbetheadultaboutthattoo-asIwas.Idon’tunderstand.

Saturdaywasjustsoperfect.Hewasgentle,caring,itwasoutofthisworldthenhe

totallypulledbackfrommeliketheshuttersclosed.Ireallyshouldtalktohimaboutitbut
Ican’tbringmyselftoreliveitagain-it’sbadenoughgoingbackthroughitallinmy
head.

Mymumaskedmetogoforlunch,soIdidoutofdutybutIjustwantedtocurlupina

ballandsleeporcryandthinkaboutthewhatifs,nowImayneverknow.

Ican’tbelieveIfellforhimthisquickbutthenagain,he’sthattypeofmanthatpeople

noticewhenhewalksintheroom,hesucksthelifeoutofitandheisallyousee,hear.My
eyesrollupwardstolookintothesky,therainisstartingtocomedownreallyquick.
OwenturnsthecorneroutofsightsoIrunbackindoors.

SettingmyiPodup,IplayTotalEclipseoftheHeartbyBonnieTyler-anEighties

classicandstartmydance.Myheartandsoulgoesintoeverymovement.Everytwirl,kick
Iputwaymoreeffortinthanusual.AftertwoandhalfminutesI’moutofbreathand
exhausted.

GrabbingthebottleofwaterfromthefloorIcollapseandsitwithmybackagainstthe

wallwhileIrehydrate.RestingmyheadagainstthewallIclosemyeyes.Isawhimbefore
herealised,littledoesheknowthatwhenhe’snearmysensesgoonhighalert.Asawful
ashelookedtodayhestillfuckinggorgeousinthatsuitandiftherewerenokidshere
todaytheoutcomemayhavebeenverydifferent.Helookedsotiredtoday,Iwanttopull
himintomeandjustholdhim.

Insteadofanymoretraining,Igathermybelongingstogetherandheadhomepicking

upamealforoneandabottleofwine.

BythetimeThursdayrollsaroundI’vedecidedI’mgoingtotalktohimifIcan,even

ifit’sjustanormalconversation.BythetimethekidsstartfillinginI’mwaitingwith
batedbreathtogetaglimpseofhim.“HelloGwace.”Ellashoutsasshefliespastmeand
intothehall.Mytummyflips,myteethbitethecornerofmylipbutwhenIseeSue,Ella’s
grandmotherwalkinginmyheartsinks.IpickmyselfbackupbytellingmyselfOwenwill
beheretopickherupthough,heusuallyis.BeforeIstartthelesson,Ella’sgrandmother
walkstowardsme.

“HiGrace.Howareyouhoney?”

“Hello.I’mgood,howareyou?

“Ugh.I’mokay.I’dbetterifIknewwhatwaswrongwiththatgrumpysonofmine.

“Oh.”Ilookbehindmeatthekidstomakesurethey’reokaysoIcanavoidhereyes,

I’msayingnothingifOwenhasn’t.“Ineedtogettothekidsbeforetheyambushme.”

“Oh,ofcourse.I’msorry.”Sheleavestheroomandclosesthedoorandwestartthe

lesson.

Whenit’shisMumpickingherbackuplateron,myheartsinksfurtherandIgohome

withouteventraining.

Walkingintotheflat,Meaghanissittingonthecouchwithherlegstuckedunderher

withaglassoforangeJuice.“AHH,you’reback!”Iscream.Shefrownsatfirstbutitsoon
turnstoacheesygrin.“Howareyoufeeling?”

“Bloated,sick,can’tkeephardlyanythingdownandtired,Ithinkthatcoversit.”She

smiles.

“I’msogladyou’reback!”

“Youdon’tlooktoogood,what’shappened?”Isitbyheronthecouch,leanmyhead

againsthershoulderthenbegintotellhereverythingthathashappened.

“IknowIhaven’tknownhimlongandI’vebeenwithhimevenlesstimebuthemakes

feeldifferentthananyoneeverhas.Hedidn’teventurnuptodaytobringElla.GodI’m
suchafool.”

“Youlovehimdontcha?”

“HowcanIlovehim,Ihaven’tknownhimlongenough!”

“So,what!Sometimesthewayapersonmakesyoufeelaboutyourselfisenoughto

makeyoulovethem.It’salwaysgoingtobecomplicatedGracie.Helosthiswife,hehasa
child.Hehasaconstantreminderofhiswifeinhislittlegirlandthetimingofherdeath
wasjusttragictosaytheleast,thenyoucomealongandcrashlandintohismessedup
littleworldandmakeitevenmorefuckedup.Wouldn’tyoubeconfused?”

“I’mconfusedmostofthetime,Meag,that’sawell-knownfact.”Iwinkandsmirkas

sheshakesherheadbutagreeswithme.“I’vetoldhimhecanhavehisspace,sorthishead
outbutwhatifI’mnotenough?Whatifhedoesn’twantmeenough?”

“Howcananyonenotwantyou.You’reanamazingperson.”Imaynotagreewithalot

ofMeaghan’schoicesbutshe’ssuchagoodpersonandIlovehertodeath.She’smysister
fromanothermister.

“Loveyabitch!”

Shesmiles.“Loveyarightback.”

“SohowwasyourDad?Didheaskwhyyouwantedtostaywithhim?”

“Pft,ofcoursehedid.”

“Didyoutellhim?”

“Ifyou’reaskingifItoldhimIwaspregnant-thenIdidn’thaveachoicebecauseI

wasthrowingupconstantly.Ijusttoldhimitwascomplicated.Thefuckerdidn’task
again,notthathereallycares.”

“So,haveyoudecidedwhattodoyet?”

“Ithinkso.I’mhavinganabortion.”

“Wow,Iwasn’texpectingthat,butyouknowI’mhereforyouandI’llholdyourhand

throughit.”

“Thanks.Ijustcan’t,it’snotfaironeithermeorthebabysowhybringitintoafucked

situationfromthestart.”

“NowI’mworried,itsoundslikeyou’vegrownup.”Ishudderatthethoughtofmy

bestfriendactinggrownup-thatneverhappens.

“Don’tworryitwon’tlast.”Shesmiles.

“DoesthismeanIcanpunchhimagain.”Ilaugh.

“NotunlesshereallyasksforityouknowlikewhenItellhimaboutthebaby,because

I’llhavetotellhim,Ican’tkeepitfromhim,likeyousaid-hehasarighttoknow.”

“I’vestillgotthebruiseonmyknucklesfromwhenIhithimlasttime.”Holdingmy

handoutIshowhertheevidence.“I’mproudofyou,Meag.”

Shesmilesandflingsherarmsaroundme,huggingme.“It’llworkoutwithOwen,

you’llsee.”

“Ihopeso.”

CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN

Owen

It’s

beenthreeweekssinceI’veseenher.Ihaven’teventakenEllatodanceclass,since

thatday,Ican’tbringmyselftoseeher-Ican’tbeartoseethatlookonherfaceagain…I
hurther,butthesethreeweeksnotseeingherhascrucifiedme.EllaisaskingwhyIdon’t
takeher,andasmuchasshelikeshernannaandgrandadtotakeher,sheprefersmetobe
there.

ThedooropensandinwalksEllaandhernanna.“Oh,you’rehomethen?”

“Yep!Sorrycouldn’tgetoutofwork.”

“Convenient,thatthelastthreeweeksyou’vehadtoworkover.”Sheeyesmewaiting

formetocrack,justlikeshedidwhenIwasakidandI’ddonewrong.“It’snothelping
youknow?”Mumraisesaneyebrowinmydirection.

“Whatisn’t?”Iaskactingconfused.“There’sonlymethere,it’smybusiness.”

“Ellasweetheart,goupstairsandfetchsomecleanpyjamas.”Inarrowmyeyesatmy

mum,I’minforit…“You’renotjustpunishingyourselfOwen,you’restoppingthatlittle
girlfromhavingsomenormality.”Shestepstowardsme;herhandscupmycheeks.“Ella
knowsalotmorethanyouthink…doyouthinkshehasn’tnoticedthatyou’reunhappy?
You’llneverreplaceVictoria,Idon’twantyouto-butyouhavetolethergo,Owen.I’m
worriedaboutyou.Gracelovesyou,everytimeIwalkthroughthatdoorandsheseesit’s
notyouherheartbreaksalittlebitmore,it’sinhereyes.I’veseenyouwithher,shethinks
theworldofElla.Thisisuptoyoutofixandifyou’renotreadyforthatthenyouneedto
tellher.”Shekissesmycheek.“Youcanpretendtoyourselfallyouwantthatyou’redoing
herafavourbypushingherawaybutyou’renotandonlyyoucanputthisright,butonly
ifyouwantitenough.”IstandrootedtothesamespotI’vebeeninsinceshegothere,
lookingatthesamescrapbitofpaperonthefloor.

“Ellasweetheart,comeandgivenannaakissIhavetogo.”Sheboltsdownthestairs

intoherarmsandhugsher.PullingmyphonefrommypocketIseehername,mythumb
hoversoverthecallbutton,shouldI?Wouldsheevenwanttotalktomeanyway?

Slippingitbackinmypocket,maybelater.“Comeonbabygirllet’sgetyourdinner.”

EverytimeIpickupmyphonetotexthersomethingcomesup,eitherthephonerings

orEllawalksintheroomoraclientshowsupfortheirappointment-there’salwaysan
excuse.

IfinallypickedupthecouragetoseeacounsellorandI’vegotmyfirstappointment

tonightwhileEllaisatdance,thatwayshe’lljustthinkI’mworking.Sittinginthecar
waitingformyappointmenttorollaroundIpulluphernumberagain,butagainIstop
myself.IrefusetotextheranymorewhileI’msomessedupthatisn’tfairtoher.Mum
wasrightinonewayIhavetowantthisenoughandIthinkfinallyIdo.

WalkingthroughthereceptionofthesmallbuildingItellthegirlatthedeskmyname

andtakeaseatassheinstructed.Thewaitingroomiswarmandcosy.There’salarge
leathersetteewithathrowandpillowsonit,magazinesonatableandasmallcoffee
machineinthecorner.It’squiterelaxing.

IoptoutforcoffeeI’mfeelinganxiousenoughwithoutthatandsitdownrelaxback

intothecornerofthecouch.MyeyestakeinthelittlethingsasIlookaround,there’s
someartificialflowersonawindowsillandapaintingofawaterfallonthewall.My
stomachisinknotswithanxiety,Ireallydon’twanttodothisnow.MaybeIcanwalkout
now.Isitontheedgeoftheleatherseat,restmyelbowsonmykneesandrubmyhands,
mykneebouncingintrepidationofwhat’stocome.

Ican’tsettlethisnervousenergysoIgetupandstandinfrontofthepictureonthe

wall,waterissupposedtobecalming-sotheysay.Iblowsomeslowbreathsoutand
loosenthetiesittingaroundmyneckandundothetopbuttonthenlookbackatthe
picture.

“It’sbeautiful,isn’tit?That’sNiagaraFalls.”Myheadturnstothesideandseethisthe

doctorstandingatthesideofme.Ididn’tevenhearherI’msowrappedupinmyunease
ofbeinghere.

“Itis.”

“I’mDoctorLee.YoumustbeOwen?”Sheraiseshereyebrowandwaitsformeto

reply.

“Hiandyes.PleasedtomeetyouDrLee.”

“Shallwegoin?”Inodather.

Walkingintoheroffice,Iwasn’texpectingwhatIseeinfrontofme.Whenyouhearof

therapyoracounselloryouenvisionadeskandaleatherreclinertositin,butit’snothing
likethatatall.There’sanotherleathercouchmatchingtheoneinthewaitingroomandan
armchair,acoffeetablewithmoreflowersandsomecandles.“Pleasetakeaseat.”

IsitdownonthecouchandgetmyselfcomfyasmuchasIcan.“Wouldyoulikea

drinkbeforewestart?

“Justsomewatermaybe?”

Shefetchesmeaglassofwaterfromthefilterandhandsittomewithasmile.“So,tell

me,howcanIhelp?”

“Ilostmywifeoverfouryearsagonow.”

“Andwhatbringsyouherenow.Whydoyouthinktoseemenow?”

“BecauseI’mmessedup.MylifeisonholdbecauseIcan’tletgoofher.IthoughtI

wasdoingwellandImetsomeone.”

“Okay.What’sshelike?”

“Hername’sGrace.She’ssodifferenttoVictoria-that’smywife.She’sthetotal

opposite.Shemakesmesmile,somethingIhaven’tdoneinawhileMydaughterloves
her…I’veknownherforafewmonthsnow,westartedgettingcloserandIdon’tknow
whathappenedifI’mhonest,I’vetriedtoforgetherandIcan’t.

“First,howoldisyourdaughter?”

“She’llbefiveinApril.”

“Whyareyoutryingtoforgether?Youwillneverforgether,Iwilltellyouthatnow

butwecanhelptogetyoutoaplacewhenyourememberherandit’shealthy.Doyoutalk
abouther?”

“Yeah,Isupposeso.”

“Howaboutyourdaughter?”

“Shedidn’tknowher.SheknowsaboutherfromwhatItellherbutIlostmywifein

childbirth.”

“Right,okay.Thatexplainsabitmore.Sheletsmetalkandtalk.Irememberthegood

timeswehad,thedifficulttimesandbythetimeI’mfinished-myfaceiswetwithtears.
Shepushestheboxoftissuestowardsme,Itakeoneoutandwipemyface.Pickingupthe
glassIdrinksomewatertolubricatethedrythroatI’vegotgoingon.

“Ourtime’supI’mafraid,Owen.butI’dlikeyoutodosomethingforme…”

“Anything.”Isniff.

SittinginmycarIringmyMumandaskhertotakeEllaforthenightthenheadhome.
WhensheknewI’dbeentoseesomeoneshewasoverthemoon,askingquestions,instead
IjustsaidI’dspeaktohertomorrow.

Strippingoutofmyworkclothes,Istarttheshowerandletthewaterheatupbefore

steppinginsidethecubicle.Myemotionsareriferightnow,standingunderthespray,the
waterpoursdownonmewhileIrestmyheadbackontomyshoulderslettingitdrainaway
allmypent-uptension,myanger,mysadness.

DressedinapairofjoggersandateeshirtIsitdownstairswithatumblerofJack

Daniels,Acandle,herphotoandherringsinmyhand.Lightingthecandle,Iswitchoff

themainlight.Sittingonthefloorinfrontofthefirewithmybackagainstthecouch,I
holdherringstightlyinmyfist,knockbacktheJDandclosemyeyes.Idoeverythingthe
counsellortoldmetooandrememberher.Iallowmyselfthistimetoremembermywife-
justmeonmyown.

HervoicepenetratesmyheadasIremember,thepainisasvenerableasitwastheday

Ilosther.

Sheclutchesherchestasshesitsdown.“What’swrongbaby?”

“NothingI’mfine.”Sheputsonabraveface,puffsoutabreathslowlyandgetsher

breathback.Shegrabsherbagwithherkeysinhandandopensthedoor.

“IloveyouOwen.Seeyoulater.”

WithtearspouringdownmycheeksthesecondtimetodayIopenupmyfistandkiss

herweddingandengagementringsandpickupourweddingpictureintheotherhand.“I
missyouVic,Iloveyouso,somuch.You’llalwaysbehereinmyheart.”Myfistbangsat
mychest.“I’msosorryI’vebeensoangry,I’vetriedsohardnottobebutImissyouand
nowIthinkIneedtoletyougo.Ihavetodothisforourdaughter,forme.”

Igrabthethrowrugsheusedtositinwhenshewascoldandholdittomychestthen

pouranotherJD.Staringatthepictureofhappierdaysmakesmesmile.Kissingmy
fingers,Iplacethemagainsttheglasstoherfacethenpullovertheboxfromthecorner
wherewekeptourdocuments.Pullingoutourmarriagecertificate,Ella’sbirthcertificate
andthenVic’sdeathcertificateplusthephotosofwhenshewaspregnantwithEllaisjust
toomuch.

Sobsbreakfreelikethey’vebeenpentup-lockedawayallthistime.Iletthempour

frommeasIhidemyfaceintotherugandcry.WhatI’dgiveforhertoholdmerightnow
-justonelasttime,tohearhersoothingvoicetellingmethateverythingisgoingtofine.
Openingmytear-filledeyes,Iseethetumblerwiththeamberliquidandknockitback
again.“Iloveyou.”BlowingoutashakyhiccuppedbreathItakeonelastlookatthe
certificates,thenplacetheminthebox.Draggingmyheavybodyfromthefloor,Ileave
thecandletoburnandmovetolieonthecouchwiththethrow,thephotoandherrings
stillenclosedinmyfistandclosemyeyes.Idon’tevenremembergoingtosleep.

IdreamtaboutVictoriathatnight,thelovewesharedwassecondtonone.Shewasmy

heart.Thedreamalmostfelttooreal,itwaslikeshewasstandingnexttome.Shesmiled
atme,sheblewmeakiss,thenwavedandwalkedaway,leavingmeinthefirstpeaceful
sleepI’vehadinoverfouryears.

WhenIfinallywakeit’sninethirtya.m.andI’mstillonthecouchwiththethrowover

me.ThecandlehasburntoutandInoticethenthatthefullbottleofJackDanielsIhadis
nowonlyaquarterfull.“Shit.”ButIhavenohangoverandIfeel-Idon’tknow,

refreshed.MaybeI’veneededtodothatforawhile.

Igrabsomecoffeeandsitbackdown.IgobackoverwhatDrLeesaidatcounselling.

‘Youneedtogiveyourselfatimetogrieve,noonearoundjustyouandyourmemories.’
I’vebeensooccupiedwithElla,InevergavemyselfthetimeIneededformyself.Itold
herwhatwedoforherbirthdayeveryyearbutshesaidtonotmixitwithElla’sbirthday,
tomakethatadifferentdayandIrealiseshe’sright.HowselfishhaveIbeenallthese
years?

OnceI’vedrankmycoffeeIheadintothekitchenandcooksomebacon,it’snotoften

I’mhereonaSaturdaymorning.Asthebaconsizzlesonthegrill,Icrawlinsidemyown
headforasecondandit’sthenIrealiseIhaven’tbeenlivingatall-I’vebeenexisting.
I’vebeenstuckinmyownfuckedupillusionofhowlifeshouldbeandit’sonlyclear
now.I’vetriedtobeokayforEllabutIhaven’tbeenandthingsthathappenedwithGrace
provedthat.IwasmissingElladoingherdancing,somethingshelovesbecauseIcan’t
bringmyselftofacemyownproblems,I’vejustbeensweepingthemunderthecarpet.

Nomore.

It’stimetomoveforwardandtakemylifeback .

CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

Grace

“I

can’ttakethisanymoreMeag,Ineedtoseehim.It’sbeenfourweeksforfuckssake.

IknowIsaidtosorthisheadoutbutfuck.Ithoughthemayhavemissedme…”Myeyes
turndowncastatthethoughtthathereallydoesn’t,surely,hewouldhavebeenroundhere
ifhedid.“Hehasn’tbroughtElla,it’sbeenhisMumandIthinkit’smehe’sbeen
avoiding.Hemusthateme.”Ohgod.Myhandscovermyeyeshopingthat’snotthecase.

“Idoubthehatesyou,maybehejustneedsthetimeawayfromyoutogethishead

aroundthings.”

“Youthink?”

“Yes,Ithink.”

“Whattimeisdickfacecoming?”Iaskchangingmymoodinstantly.

“Shouldbesoon.”

“Okay,doyouwantmetogooutandgiveyousomespace?”

“Nothat’sokay.I’dpreferyoutobehere.”

“OkayI’llstayinthebedroom.”

WhileI’minthebedroomIopenmylaptopandtypeinbereavementinthesearchbar,

maybeifIknewhowtohelphimit’llhelpusboth.Ialsoapplyforajobattheschool
MeaghanworksatandhopeIcangettheposition.IemailtheprincipalandtellhimwhoI
am,givehimsomebriefdetailandattachmyCVtoit,thenclosedownmyemailandget
backtoreadingupongriefwhenIhearthatdickshouting.

“Whatthefuckdoyoumeanyou’repregnant?!”OpeningthedoorquietlyIstepout

andwalkacrossthefloorlightlysohecan’thearme.

“Well,you’reluckyI’meventellingyou,butdon’tworrywewon’thavealoadoflittle

Ross’srunningaboutbecauseI’mhavinganabortion.”Meaghanshoutsbackathim.

“What?”HestepsbackfromherinshockasIrestmyshoulderagainstthedoorframe,

listening.

“Isaid,I’mhavinganabortion.Idon’twantanythingfromyou.”Sheanswershis

questionalotquieterthanbefore.

“Butthat’smybabytoo.Youcan’t.”

“I’mdoingwhat’sbestforbothofus.”saysMeaghaninasoft,unsurevoice.“This

wayyoudon’thavetocomecleanandIwon’thavetobringupababyonmyownandone
thatit’sfatherdoesn’twanttohaveanythingtodowithhimorher,havingmychild
fightingallthetimeforhis/herfather’srespectorevenlove,that’snotfair.”I’msoproud
ofher,Iknowshe’sfoughtforthatallherlifewithherDad.

“Youbitch!”Rosssneers.

“WouldyouhavepreferredIdidn’ttellyouandjusthavetheabortion?Icouldn’tdo

that.”

“No,insteadyoutakemychildawayfromme.Youselfishbitch.It’sallaboutyou,

isn’tit?”Meaghanshakesherheadasthelookofangeronhisfaceispalpable.Istepinto
theroomasMeaghanbreaksdownandcries.

“Ithinkit’stimetogo.”ItellRossfrombehind.

“Ishould’veknownyou’dbehere!”

“Well,Iliveherenowleave.Thisishardenoughforherasitis.”Thelookofhatredin

hisfacesayseverythingbutinsteadofsayinganythingelseheturnsandleavesslamming
thedoorbehindhim.Iholdmyfriendinmyarmsandlethercryitout.

It’snowbeensixweeks,fourdaysandthreehourssinceI’veseenhim.NotthatI’m

counting.Myheartisinpieces,Ireallydidthinkhe’dbeintouch,hisMumpromiseshe’ll
bewouldsoonbutIjustgetmyhopesupsonowI’vestoppedbelievinghewillandI’m
preparedtoletitgo-maybe.Ugh,whoknows.EllakeepsaskingwhenI’mcoming
aroundagainandIdon’tknowwhattotellher.I’mnotequippedfortellingafour-year-old
lies.ThefeelingsIrealisedIhadforhimafewweeksagohaven’tsimmeredthey’vejust
gottenmoreintense.IlovehimandIdon’tthinkI’lleverhavethechancetotellhim
unlessIworkupthecouragetogoaroundthereandIcan’tseemedoingthat,Idon’twant
toinvadehisspace.

“Youreadytodothis,Meag?”

Breathingin,shestandstallandcloseshereyes.Whensheopensthemsheseems

better,“Yes,let’sgo.”

Pullinguponthecliniccarpark,Iparkupandheadinside.Itakeaseatas

Meaghangoestothereceptiondesk,thencomesandsitsnexttome.“Ohfuck.AmI
doingtherightthing?”

“Idon’tknowsweetie,thisisn’tformetosay,thisneedstobeyourchoice.”Igripher

handandholditforsomemoralsupport.

“MeaghanChater?”Webothstandatthesametimebutsheturnstofaceme.

“I’llbefine.ThanksGrace.”NoddingIsitbackdowninmychair.

“Ifyou’resure.”Shenodsandturnstowalkaway,shereachesthenurseasshesmiles

softlyatherandwalksintoaroomwithher.God,Ihopeshe’sokay!

IunlockmyphoneandscrollthroughFacebooktopassthetimeawayandpullupmy

texts,Iseehisnameandjustseeingthatpainsme.Openingthetext,Iclickontheboxand
type‘hi’thendeleteit.Itypeitagain…anddeleteagain.InsteadIcloseitdownandpush
itbackintomypocket.

Meaghanreturnsafewminuteslater,eyesredandtearscoveringhercheeks.Pushing

tostandupasshegetsnearershewalksstraightintomyopenarms.Iholdhertightbut
seeinghersoupsetmakesmecrytoo.Iwalkhertothecarnotlooseningmyholdonher
untilwehavetogetin,soothingherandtellinghershe’llbejustfine.

Pullingthecoversoverherinherbed,Ileavehertosleep,she’sexhausted.She’s

barelysaidawordsincetheclinicsoIhaven’tpushedher.Quietly,Iwalkawayfromher
andbegintowalkfromtheroom.“Grace?”Myheadturnstofaceher,“Thanks…I
couldn’tdoityouknow?”

“WalkingbacktothebedIsitdownontheedge.“Whatdoyoumean-theabortion?”

Shenodsherhead,“youdidn’thaveit?”Iasktryingtomakeheadandtailfromallthis.

“Icouldn’t.Theywantedmetotakeapill.Itwouldbelikehavingamiscarriageand

I’dfeeleverything.HowcouldIdothat?Plus,theygavemeascanandIsawmybabyon
thescreenandthatwasit…Ijustcouldn’t.That’smybaby.”

“Oh,hunI’msorry,butI’mkindagladyoudidn’tbutthat’sformyownselfish

reasons.”Ihugheragainstmeasshecriessomemore.“Justthinkofthefunwe’llhave.”

“WhataboutRoss?”

“Fuckhim!”

“Ihavetotellhim.”

“Iagree,youdo.Thenlethimmakethechoiceofwhetherhewantsitornot,because

thisbabywillhavethebestMumandAuntyachildcanaskfor.Nowgetsomesleepyou
mustbeshattered.”KissingherontheforeheadIturntoleaveagain.

“Grace.GoandseeOwen.Ican’tbeartoseeyouheartbrokenanymore.”

SendingherasoftsmileIheadoutoftheroom.

Aftersittingthecarforthelasthalfanhourandhavingsneakylooksintothewindow,
hopingtocatchsightofhim,Idecideit’snowornever.BangingonthedoorIstandand
wait,standingunderthecanopyasfarinasIcangetoutofthepouringrain.Idecidedto
takeMeaghan’sadviceintheend,afterpacingtheroomafewtimesanywayandtelling
myselfit’sastupididea,butI’mnotgoingtowalkaway,notuntilhe’sheardwhatIhave

tosay.ThedoorswingsopentoOweninapairofshorts,notopandhislightlycovered
hairychestinmyeyeline.“Grace?”

Lookingupintohiseyes,hissoul.“Hey,erm…Ineedtosaysomething.”Insteadof

waitingforhimtoinvitemeinIwalkstraightpasthim,takingabreathin…“Okay…I
knowIpromisedtogiveyousomespaceandIwastheonethatwalkedawayforthat
reason,butOwen,Ican’t!I’vetriednottothinkaboutyou,I’vetriedtothinkofyouas
somethingelse,afriend-whateverandIjustcan’tdoit.I’msorry.”Idipmyhead,I’m
frightenedtolookinhiseyesagainincaseIseesomethingIdon’tlike-likerejection.

“Grace?”

Ikeepmyeyesdowncastandjustdecidetogoforit.“No,don’tstopmejustletmesay

thisbecauseifIdon’tdoitnowIneverwill.”Itakeanothercalmingbreath,withmy
handsovermyheart,“Iloveyou!IloveEllatoo.Iknowyoucan’thandlethatrightnow,
butyouneededtoknow…”chancingalookinhisgorgeouseyes.IpuffoutthebreathI
heldinsoIcangetthatout.

Hestandsstockstill,hiseyesintenseandhisgorgeousface,stoic,notsayingaword.

Gazingupathimforsomekindofsign,thechancesofhimfeelingthesamewayhasme
doubtingmoreandmoreasthesecondstickby.“Okay.”Inodfeelingalittlestupidand
embarrassedthatIputmyheartontheline.“That’sallIreallywantedtosay.”Tryingto
swallowpastthehugeboulderinmythroatproveshard,asmyeyesbegintofillwith
waterandmychinbeginstowobble,Irefusetoletthemgothough,soIholdthemback…

Hehasn’tsaidanything,hejuststares,thecornerofhislipsturnsupinasoftsmirkbut

otherthanthat–nothing,nada.NoddingIspinquicklyonmyheelandwalktothedoor.
“Grace?”

CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE

Grace

don’twaitforanythingelse,Ipressdownonthehandleandpullonthedoortoopenit,

Istepbackoutintothepouringrainasthegaspingdevastatedsobsleaveme.Istart
walkingtowardsthecarastherainsoaksme,ahandonmyarmspinsmearound.BeforeI
canregisterwhat’shappening,hishandsgripmyfaceastherainpoursdownrunning
downmyfaceasOwen’slipscrashagainstmine.Amixoftearsandrainminglesinwith
thekissbutthisisn’tthekindofkisswe’vesharedbeforeit’spassionatewithfeeling,
emotion.

Myhandsfistthet-shirtthatdefinitelywasn’ttherewhenIwasinthehouseandpull

himclosertomeuntilourbodiesareflushagainsteachother,hisfingerstangleintomy
wethair,holdingmeinplace.“Grace”hegasps.Don’tgo!”

“Owen.Shit.Ididn’tthinkyouwantedme?!”MovingslightlyfromhimIwipethe

waterfrommyfaceandoutofmyeyesastheraincontinuestopourdownonus.Owen
picksmeupandrunsusbackinsidethehouseasIlaughandsqueal.Hekicksthedoor
shutandputsmedown.

“Waitthere.”Heturnsandrunsupthestairs.Lookingaround,I’mexpectingEllato

popupuntilOwencomesbackwithtwotowels.Heplacesoneonmyheadandherubshis
hairupwiththeother,hestripsoffthesoakingwett-shirtasmyeyesrevertstraightback
tohisbare,wetchest.Movingthetowelfrommyheadtoaroundthebackofmyneck,he
grabstheendsandpullsmecloser

“It’snotgoingtobeeasy,butIwantyou.Ineedyou.Youmakeeverythingbetter,this

lastfewweekshavebeentorturenotseeingyou.I’msorryIhurtyouGrace,butyeah…if
there’sonethingthatI’velearntfromthislittlebreakaway;it’smademethinkI’malittle
inlovewithyoutoo.”Ismileastearsprickatmyeyesthreateningtofallover.“Doyou
thinkyoucouldputupwithme?”

“YES!OhGodYES!”Ishoutashisarmsgoaroundmywaistandliftsmeupand

swingsmearoundthenkissesmeagain.

Hewalksmetothecouchandsitsmedownashehoversoverme.Gazingintomy

eyes,hesmiles,nosadness,notrepidationanddefinitelynoguilt.Hekissestheendofmy
nosebeforemovingtomylips.Softly,hemouldshislipstomine,openingmymouthjust
enoughforhimtoteasemewithhistongue.Thefeelofhishandonmycheekwarmsme
asIleanfurtherintohim.Histongueslidesagainstmineashebringsmecloser.

Beforecompletelybreakingawayfrommehenudgesthetipofhisnoseagainstmine

andmyeyesfluttertoaclose.“I’mgladyoucametoday.I’vebeentryingtoworkout
whenwasthebesttocomeandseeyou.IwantedtosortmyheadoutbeforeImadeyou
anypromises.”

“Andnow?”

“Weneedtotalkaboutthat.”Hetellsmeasheleansdownonhiskneesontheedgeof

theseat.Heliftsmyhandtohislipsandkissesmyfingerstenderly,onebyone.

“ErmOwen,Ihatetostopyouthere-butI’malittlewet.”Myhandscovermyfacein

embarrassmentasIrealisethatsoundedasaboominglaughstearsfromhimandmyhead
shakes.

“Stayrightthere,I’llgofetchyouat-shirtandsomeshortstowearsoyoucangetout

ofthoseclothesandthenwecantalk,yeah?”heasksasI’mnoddingmyhead,heplacesa
sweet,softkisstomylipsagain,smileswidethenturnstogobackupstairs.

“Hereyougo,”HehandsthemtomeandIheadforthebathroom.Strippingoutofall

myclothesitlookslikegoingcommandobutIkeepmybraon,it’sreallynotthatwet.
Pickinguptheclothesfromthefloor,Iheadbackdownstairs.WhenIreachthebottom,
thefireisburningandOwenisbringingintwocupsofhotchocolateon,withcreamon
too.

“Marshmallowstoo?”

“Ohyeahonlythebest.”HehandsthecostastyleglasstomeandItakeasipofmyhot

chocolate.Owensniggersashewipesoffthecreamfrommynose.

PlacingtheglassonthetableImoveintothecornerofthecouch,tuckmyfeetunder

meandtrytogetwarm.“Owen,I’msorryforbarginginheretoday.Icouldn’twaitany
longer.”

“I’mgladyoudid.”Hemovesclosertomeandholdshisarmopenforme,Itwist

arounduntilI’mtuckedunderhisarmandreadytolisten.“I’vebeengoingtocounselling,
it’swhyIhaven’tbeenaround.Ineededtodealwitheverything.Ineededtogrievemy
wife,eventhoughIthoughtIhad,Ihadn’t,notproperlyanyway…Iwantedtocome
aroundsomuchandtheamountoftimesI’vegonetotextyouandhaven’tis,it’s
pathetic…butIneededthisandnow,well,nowthingsaresomuchclearer.It’syouIneed
now.YouandElla.Ifyou’llstillhaveme?”Heplaceshislipstorestonthetopofmy
headandashespeaksagain,“don’tgetmewrongVicwillalwayshaveaplaceinmy
heartbutyou’rehealingme.”MychinliftsupsoIcanfacehimandseehiseyes.

“Iknowit’sgoingtobehardbutI’llbehereforyoubotheverystepoftheway.”Itell

himliftingmyhandtostrokehischeek.

“Idon’twantyoutobemycrutchwhenI’mfalling.”

“Whynot?Isn’tthatwhatarelationshipandloveisabout?It’saboutholdingeach

otherupthroughthegoodandthebad-nomatterwhatandthat’swhatIwantforus.”

“Iloveyou,Grace.IwishI’dknownthatweeksagobutyoucamealongwhenIwasn’t

strongenoughtohandleit,but,asIwastoldthefatestendtomakeuptheirownmind
aboutthat.”Hesmilesatmebutraisesaneyebrow.

“Iloveyoutoo,andyeah,you’reright,somaybeitwastherighttime.You’reworth

thewait.”IfeelslikeIhaveagrinstretchingacrossmywholefaceliketheCheshirecat
fromAliceinWonderland.

“Thankyou,Grace,forbeingsopatient.”

“Don’ttalkanymore,Ijustwantyoutokissme.”Heslidesdownintothecushionsand

pullsmetolieonhim.Withoutfurtheradoortalk,heslantshislipsovermineandtakes
frommeexactlywhathewants.Icirclemyarmsaroundhisneck,withourbodiesflush
againsteachother,feelingthatsparkbetweenus,thesameonethatsetsmywholebody
alight.

CHAPTERTHIRTY

Owen

“Where’s

Ella?”ShequestionswhenIletherupforair.

“Withhergrandparents.ShewantedtostaythereanothernightsoIthoughtitwouldbe

goodforbothofus.”Herfingersmovefrommychestupmynecktomyfaceasshetraces
themovermylips,throughthelongstubble,whichinacoupleofdayswillbeabeardifI
don’tshave,it’salreadytwodaysold.Shethenmovesacrosstomycheekbones,sweeping
acrossmytemplesuntilherfingersarepushingintomyhair.

“Anothernight?

“Yeahshestayedlastnighttoo.She’sbeenstayingthereonaFridaywhileIgofor

counselling,it’sdoingusbothgood.IwaskeepingherlockedinmygriefandDrLeehas
explainedhowunhealthyitwas,thatsheneededtimewithotherfamilyandthatwayIcan
havemydaywhereIdon’thavetokeepitlockedup.I’mdoingbetterandnowIknow
I’mreadytogothatonestepfurtherwithyou.

Leaningforwardsheholdsmyfacewhileshekissesme.“I’msoproudofyou.It

musthavebeensohardtotakethatstep,seethecounsellorandallyourowntoo,butno
more.Wedothistogether,okay?Idon’twanttobeapartfromyouagain.”

Sweepingthehairfromherface,Ismile.“Idon’twantustobeapartagaineither.Ifit

wasn’tforyouIwouldneverhavegottentothispoint,sothankyou.”Cuppingherneck,I
pullheragainstmeandkissherthenpoureverythingIhaveintohowIfeelabouther.AsI
releaseherIturnusontooursidewithholdingGraceinsafetyofmyarms,withherback
tomychest,whilethefireflickersawayinfrontofus.BeforeIknowitshe’ssoftly
snoringagainstmyarm.Isnugglemyfaceintoherneckanddriftoffnotlongafter.

ForthelastfewweeksI’vehadscattereddreams,someaboutVic,someaboutGrace

andotherswhereit’sbeenElla,Graceandme.It’ssostrangebutlastnight-nothing.I
sleptforafullsevenhours,eventhoughI’dbeensquashedintothebackofthecouch,but
Icouldn’thaveaskedforanythingbetter.Justtohaveherclosetomeafterthebreak
we’vehadandtheconflictedthoughtsIhadtodealwith-itwasnicetohavenodoubts
aboutus.

Kissinghercheek,IthoughtaboutwakingherbutIchangemymind,squeezeout

fromthebackofher,climboverherasshestirsandrollstoherback.Goingtothe
bathroomfirst,Ithenheadtothekitchen,fillthekettleuptomakecoffeeandtakethe
baconfromthefridge.Istartthebaconoffandmakethecoffee.AsIheadouttotheliving
roomagainIseeshe’sawakeandleaningherforearmsonthebackofthecouchwithher

chinrestingontop.“Goodmorningbeautiful.”

“Morning.”Sheanswersyawning.Ihandhercoffeetoherwithasmile.“Thankyou.

Areyoucookingbreakfast?”

“Iam.”Bendingdowntoherlevel,Igiveheramorningkiss.

Wellaren’tItheluckyone.”

“I’dsayverylucky.”Ismilewideforgettingaboutthelastsixweeksapart,forgetting

toothatthisiswhathaddrawnmetoherinthefirstplace,hersenseofhumour,andease
ofbeinginhercompany.“Drinkyourcoffee.”Afterkissingheronelasttime,Iturnaway
togobacktocookingthebaconandenjoyourfirstbreakfastasacouple.

Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedsincelosingmywifeandthroughallofthis,it’sthat

youcan’tplanyourlife.Youhavetojusttakeonedayatatimeandliveeverydaylikeit’s
yourlast.VicandIhadeverythingplannedrightdowntoourretirement,ifeitherofus
hadknownwhatwouldhappenIwould’vewrappedherincottonwoolbutthat’snoway
tolive.

Iknowit’sgoingtogethardertooasEllagrowsup,I’mgoingtobethemost

protectivefatherever,butI’msureGracewillkeepmeincheck.

Ihavetoletgo.Vicwillalwayshaveaspecialplaceinmyheart,butnow…nowIt’s

timeformetostartlivingagain.

Youcan’tgobackandchangethebeginningbutyoucanstartwhereyouareand

changetheending.

~C.S.Lewis.

EPILOGUE

Grace

SixMonthsLater

“Ella

!Areyouready?Yourfriendswillbehereanyminuteandsowillyour

grandparents.”Shoutingupthestairsforthethirdtimetodaytohurryherupisnofun,
I’veneverknownafive-year-oldtakesolong.LeavinghertoitforanotherfewminutesI
headbacktothekitchen,takethefairycakesfromthepackagingandplacethemona
plate.ItriedtobakemyownbutIburntthem,infacttheyweren’tjustburnt,theywere
burnttoacrispandharderthanrockcakes,hey…Ineverclaimedtobesomesortof
bakinggoddess,Ican’tbeperfectallthetime.

I’mliftedfromthefloorfromthewaist,myhandscoverthestrongarmsthathold

meup.Thesameforearmswhichoneofthemnowhasatattooonwithangelwingsand
hiswife’snameanddateson.Iwastherewithhimtoholdhishandbecausehewasabit
ofawimpbuthegotthere.Hisnosesnugglesintomyneckandbehindmyearashislips
gentlytouchme.“Owen.Yourmotherisgoingtobehereinaminute.”

“So,what.”Heplacesmebackonthefloorandturnsmearoundtofacehim.Pushing

uponmytiptoesIkisshislipsandsmile.

“Canyousortyourdaughteroutbecauseshe’stakingforever.”

“You’repanickingfornothingbutbecauseI’lldoabsolutelyanythingforbothofmy

girlsofcourseIwill.”

“Good.”Mylipskisshischeekandturnaroundtofacethepre-packedcakesagain

remindingmeofmyshitbakingskills.SighingItakethemovertothetablewhereallthe
partyfoodislaidoutandplacethemdown.

Thenoisecomingdownstairscausesmetolookupfrommyrearrangingthefoodtable

andseeEllaslungoverOwen’sshoulder,he’sracingdownthestairswithherasshe
gigglesloudly.Hedropsherontothecouchstilllaughingandwalksbacktome.“She
wantsherhairdonebabe.”

“Gettherestofthefoodthenandtakeitovertothetableforme,I’lldothatbefore

everyonegetshere.”

“Yes,ma’am!”hesalutesmeasIgivehimhisorders.

“Youbetterbelieveit,Bates.”IsquealasIwalkpasthimashishandconnectswithmy

arsecheeks.Raisinganeyebrowathimmakeshimsmirkandthrowsawinkatme.

“ComeonBelleoftheballlet’sdoyourhair,twoFrenchplaits?”

“Yespleaase,Gwace.ShesitsdownonthefloorbetweenmylegswhileIplaited

throughherhairandpeoplebegintoturnup,firstOwen’sparents,thenherotherNanna,
RachelwhoI’vemetrecently.IwasalittlenervouswhenIheardshewantedtomeetme,
butIneedn’thavebeenasshe’slovely.Next,it’smymothertoturnup,Iwasn’tsureif
she’dcomebutEllaandsheseemedtogetonwhentheymetandascynicalassheisabout
men-guesswhat,shelovesOwen.

Fixingthebobbleatthebottomofthesecondplait,Itellhershecango.Shejumpsup

fromthespot,kissesmycheek,hugsmethenrunstohergrandparents.Igetupandgoto
greetourguestsasOwenslingshisarmaroundmeandbendstokissmytemple.

WewatchEllawithhergrandparents,athowhappysheisasOwenwhisperstome…

“Areyouhappy?”LookingupathimInod.“Good.”

“Iloveyou.”Idon’tthinkthere’sadaythatdoesn’tgobythatIdon’ttellhimhow

muchIlovehimandElla.Hedoesn’tgotocounsellinganymoreeither,heknowswhathe
hastodotocope,ifhehasadaywherehe’sfeelinglikehe’sdrowninginsadness.

Owendecidedhe’dgotothecemeteryyesterday,thatway-justlikethecounsellor

advisedhehadhisdaytogrieveandEllagottocelebrateherbirthdaywithoutthesadness
loomingoverthembothanditseemstohaveworked.

Owenpullsmetostandinfrontofhimandplaceshisarmsaroundmymiddleand

holdsmecloseasweseeherfriendsturnup.Herfacebeamswithexcitementasshegets
handedpresentsandcards.Thedoorknocksandmybestfriendwalksinsportingavery
hugebump.“Owen,canyouhelpme,dude?”shestandswithherhandonherhipsmiling.

“I’llbeback.”Hetipsmyheadbackandkissesmylips,lingeringalittletoolong

seeingasthere’sfamilyandaroundfifteenkidshere.Hesmilesaroundthekissthentaps
meonthebumagainbeforerunningtohelpMeaghan.

Hesneaksaroundthedoorandshoutsme.“Grace,gogetEllaplease.”Iheadoutinto

thegardenandshoutEllafromthebouncycastlethatwehiredforherandshecomes
runningoffandintothehouse.

“Daddywantsyousweetie.”Sherunsintothelivingroomashewalksinwithafurry

bundleinhisarmsandTomfollowshimin.HisgazefindsMeaghan’sastheyexchangea
look.AllsnoopingisforgottenforawhilethoughwhenEllaseeswhatOwenhasinhis
arms.

“IsthatapuppyDaddy?”Herlittlefaceisalightwithhappiness,she’sbeenwantinga

puppyforawhilenowsowedecidedtogetherone.TheblackandwhiteStaffordshire
BullTerrierwrigglesinOwen’sarms,tryingtogetdownbutwaitsuntilhe’ssatEllaon
thefloorandplacesherinherlap.Shestrokesherfurgently.“DaddyIloveher.Likelove
herthismuch.”Sheopensherarmswidetoexplainjusthowmuch,Ilaughknowingshe
saysthesametoOwen.

Thepartygoeswithoutahitch,Ellaandherfriendshaveagreattimeandnowshe’sin

bedfastasleepandthenewpuppywithnonameisfastasleepinherbed,bothofthem
wornout.AsIIayinOwen’sarmsinourbedreminiscingoverthedayhisfingerstrailup
anddownmyarm.Hekissesmyforehead.“Doyouthinkshe’shadagoodday?”

“Ithinkshe’shadanamazingday.”

“Thankstoyou.”

“It’snotdowntome,it’sdowntoyoubeingsuchagoodDadtoher,she’saluckykid.”

“Wellshe’stheluckiestkidnowbecauseshehasyoutoo.Ithankmyluckystarsevery

singledaythatyoucamebacktome.”

Herollsmeoverontomybackandhoversoverme.Hislipsconnectingwithmineina

heatedkissfullofdesire,hispalmsmovingdownmybodyheatingmeuplikeapathof
firefollowsthem.Histongueteasesmeinahopeformore.“Iloveyou,you’remyshining
light.MyGrace.”Hekissesmeagainbeforespeakingagain.“DidyouknowthatGrace
meanselegance,poiseandfinesseandawholelotmore,you’reallthosethingsandIget
allthosethingstoobecauseyou’remine.”

“Owen?”

“Yeahbaby?”Mybackarchesashekissesdownmybodywithhislips,histongue…

“Didyougooglethat?”IaskasIpressmylipstogethertostopmefromlaughingand

waitforhisanswer.HiseyesraiseuptolookatmeandIwaitforhisanswerwitha
questioninglook.

“Ofcourse,Idid.”hesmilesagainstmyskingoingbacktohisspotuntilhereachesthe

spotandtakesmybreathawayliterally.

“Owen?”

“Mmm?”

“Iloveyoumorethananythinginthisworld.”

“Grace?Youaremyworld.”

Tenyearslater.

MyhandgripsGrace’sandsheentwinesourfingerswhileshelooksupatmein
bewilderment.My…ourdaughterisonstagedancinginahugecompetition.Shenever
oncegaveup,isnowgoingtoacollegeforperformingartsandwillstaythereuntilshe’s
nineteen.

“She’samazing.You’vedonegreatwithher.”IcomplimentGraceasshesmiles

proudlythenhergazeturnsbacktothestage.

“Thanks,butthat’sallher.”Shewassodeterminedeversinceshestartedwithme.

“I’msoproudofher.”HereyesshineasshewatchesEllatwistandturnacrossthestage.
EllaaskedmewhenGracewaspregnantifshecouldcallherMum,nowI’veneverbeen
themachotypesoI’mnottooproudtoadmitmyheartburstwhensheasked,Graceonthe
otherhandcriedawholeboatloadoftearsandcouldn’tstophuggingElla.

“Yeah,butallherdeterminationtocarryonhascomefromwatchingyouoverthe

years.”Graceanswersbringingmebacktothehereandnow.

“Ithinkyouforgetjusthowdeterminedshewastobecomethatdancer.Itwasn’tjust

me.”Idon’tforgetatallIknowsheinheritedthatfromVic.Leaningacross,mylipssoftly
kisshercheekthenIturnbacktowatchmydaughter.

We’velefttheothersathomewithmyMumandDadbecausetheywon’tsitstill.

Brandonissevenandthetwins,LauraandLukearethree.LauraissodifferenttoEllaat
thatage,shedefinitelydoesn’twanttobeadancer,Ithinkgrowingupwithboyshasmade
thedifference.

WhenwefirstfoundoutGracewaspregnantwithBrandonmyanxietyshotthrough

theroof,worryingthatitwouldhappenagain.GracegotangrywithmeandtoldmeifI
didn’tbackoffshewasmovinginwithhermother;likethatwouldeverhappen,Iknow
shelovesherbutshewouldn’tstandhernaggingatall.Gracewas…let’sjustsayshewas
alittleagitatedthroughherpregnancybutIdefinitelydidn’thelpmatters.Iwasconstantly
worrieditwasgoingtohappenalloveragainbutthepregnancywentwithoutany
problemsandthelabourwaseasy,welleasyformetosaymaybenotGracethough.
Brandonwasbornat6lb2ozandshehadanaturalbirthI’mpleasedtosay.

Thetwinsthoughweredifferent,shehadtheworsttimeandwentasfartotellme

whileshewasinlabourthatifIwentanywherenearerheragainshe’dchopmydickoff.I
thoughtitwasabitextreme.Sheendedupinhospitalacoupleoftimeswithhighblood
pressure.Thedoctorassuredmeshewouldbefinethoughaslongasshehadbedrest.

Yeah,thatwasthehardestpart,especiallywhenIhadtoworkandshehadathree-year-old
andaseven-year-oldtolookafter.

Pullingupoutsidethehouse,weheadinsideforEllatotellhergrandparents

everything.Shetalksatamileaminute,kindofremindsmeofGracewhenwefirstmet,I
lethergetonwithitandgocheckontheothersinbed.

IpushopenthedoortoBrandon’sroomandseehe’sstillonhisPlayStationplayingon

FIFA.“Heybud.Thatshouldbeoffnow.”

“Iknow,butI’mplayingagainstsomeoneandIcan’tquitbecausethenthey’lltakethe

leadinthetableandI’mtop.”

“Okaybutassoonasit’soverthenit’stogooff.”

“Yeah,yeah.”Iraiseaneyebrowathimbuthejustsmirks.He’ssolikeme.Iforgotthe

youngerversionofmewhenIlostVic,I’dhitrockbottombutGracehelpedtobringthe
realmebackandnowIcanseeitinmyson.Closingthedooronthebedroom,Igointo
thetwin’sroomnextandseetheyarebothfastasleep,pullingthedoorto,Iwalkaway
withsoftsteps.

Gracemeetsmeinthehallwayandwrapsherarmsaroundmymiddleasshehugsme.

“Theyokay?”Sheasksasshelooksupatme.InodatherbutI’mnotreallypaying
attentionbecauseIenduphypnotisedbyher.Myheaddipstokissherlipsasshepresses
backagainstme,myarmsholdlooselyaroundhernecktoholdherinplacewhileIgetmy
fixofmywife.

“Ugh,getaroom.”Ellafrownsasshewalkspastus.Gracesmilesupatmethenrests

herforeheadagainstmychest.Ella’sdoorshutssowithmyhandsItipbackherheadand
kissherlipsagainwithnointerruptionsthistime.

It’sfunnyhowlifegoes,youthinkthere’sonlyonepersonintheworldforyouandfor

somepeopleIsupposethat’struebutIbelieveonlytheluckypeoplegettohavethat
twice.

Elevenyearsago,IwasbrokenbeyondrepairuntilGracecamealongandmadeit

brighter,evenifIcouldn’thandlethatatthetime,shelovedmeanywayandwaitedfor
me.ShehealedallthefracturesinmyheartuntilitwaswholeagainandforthatIcouldn’t
askforanythingbetter.Nowweliveeachdayasitcomesanddealwithwhateverlife
throwsatus,together.

TherewasatimewhenIsaidIdidn’twanthertobemycrutchbutwe’reeachother’s,

wepickeachotherupwhenwe’redownandImakesuretoneverletherforgethowmuch
Iloveher.

Nothingiseternal,soyouhavetomakethemostofwhatyouhave.

Graceismywife,mybestfriend,myheart.

TheEnd

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Ireallydon’tknowwheretostartthistime.

There’ssomanynamesthatgointopublishingabookandIappreciateeverysingleperson
thateitherhelpsbyreadingitformeorgivesmeadvicebutiwouldn’tbewithoutanyone
ofyou.

Iloveeverythingaboutthisbook,theemotion,thecharacters,andIlovedwritingit.The
feedbackandsupporthasbeenamazing-sothankyoutoeveryoneofyouwhohadahand
inhelpingmetogetthisbookright.

MariaLazarouandLauraAdamswherewouldIbewithoutyourexpertise?Nowhere.You
twokeepmesane-justabout,anywayandkickmyarsewhereit’sneeded.Tomeyou’re
myfriendsandalwayswillbe.

ThankyoutothefabLivMoore@Liv’sShoppewhodesignedmycover.Youdidan
amazingjob

Idon’tneedtonameanynames,youallknowwhoyouareandifIhaven’ttoldyouat
somepoint,thenIlove

youandyou’reamazing!Thatgoesformybetateam,thearcteam,JennyWooton-my
proofreader,mygroup.

Thegroupofsassygirlsthatsupportmeandadvisemeoneverythingatthedropofahat,
Idon’twhereI’dbewithoutyou.

EveryoneofyoushowmeunendingsupportandforthatI’msograteful.Istillcan’t
believeI’monthiscrazyjourneybutIloveitsomuch.I’vemetsomeamazingpeoplein
thelastyearofwritingandwhetheritbeauthors,bloggersorreaders,Isendmassivehugs.

Myfamilyandfriends-Iloveyouallwitheverypieceofmeandthankyoufor
supportingme.

Lastbutnotleast-you,thereadersarethebiggestpartofanauthor’sjourney,ifitwasn’t
forreaderswewouldn’tgetanywheresothankyoufromthebottomofmyheartfortaking
achanceonmybooks.