SEX,LOVEANDROCKN’ROLL

SCOTTMACKENZIE

METALBLONDEBOOKS

Allrightsreserved.

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FirstpublishedJanuary2017byMetalBlondeBooks.

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PREFACE

ARNING:Thisbookiseroticaandcontainsscenesofanextremelysexualnature.

Readers who are sensitive to reading about BDSM-style situations, dubious consent,
drugs,multiplepartnersanddarksexualactsshouldNOTreadthisbook.

Thisbookalsocontainsharshlanguage.Readerdiscretionisstronglyadvised.

CHAPTER1

verythingaboutthiswaswrong;it’slikeadrug,anaddiction.Itstartsasathought,

then soon all that matters are the feelings. All of the little problems in life evaporate
andIcanfocusononethingandonlyonething—Ineededherforthis.

I’vealwayslovedthistimeofday,here,inmyhome.Itdoesn’tlastlong;thesunhas

tobeatacertainangle.Theraysofgoldenlightbeamacrosstheroomfromoneendto
the other. You can see the dust hover in the air, the hardwood floors and the large
naturalwoodframeofthehouseseemtosoakinthewarmsunlight.Iwalkedtothe
middleoftheroomanditwasasifIcouldfeelthewarmthofthelatesummersunpass
throughme.Itfeltgood.IwasrunninglatebutIdidn’tcare.Ididn’tlivefarfromthe
city, but before I got on my motorcycle and raced to the show, I wanted to take this
momentin.Thistransitionfromdaytonight,sometimesmakesmefeellikeadifferent
personentirely.

This is the only moment that I felt at ease; it didn’t last long. I thought of nothing

andIfeltnothing.Icouldhearherinmyoffice,puttingherclothesbackon.Moments
beforeI’dhadherbentovermydeskwithherskirthikedup,Ihadmycockinasdeep
asitwouldgosoherasswaspushedhardagainstmybody,andasIcameinsideher
everythingwas right, for amoment. I could stillsmell what happened moments ago,
mycockwetandheavyinmyjeans.

It’sfadingaway—fuck.ShebarelyhadtimetogetdressedandIcouldfeelthatpart

of me creeping back. I rarely brought a woman home, it just seemed slightly too
personal.Sheseemedlovelyandoptionswerelimited,soIbrokemyunwrittenrule.
Slowly,feelingsandthoughtsreturned;IwashumanagainandIhatedit.Iconsidered
takingheroncemorebuttherearepeoplecountingonme.NooneisimpressedwhenI
amlate;it’sbadenoughthatIdon’tbringmyownequipmentsoIcantravellight.Ilike
toridemyoldmotorcyclewhenIcan.Evenwhenweplayout-of-townIridemybike.
Today is an easy familiar ride to an old theater in Bonneville we have played many
times.

Wearecarefree,thethreeofus.Wehavebeenplayingtogetherinthisbandsince

wewerekids.Sometimesfightswouldhappenandwewouldbreak-up,butlifewould
get boring fast without the band and we would work things out. We call ourselves
B.S.R.—not a great name but Gregg came up with it when we were kids and it stuck;
like that tattoo you got when you were a teenager. The acronym stands for Bearskin
Rug, thankfully very few people know that is what B.S.R. stands for. Many people
assumeitrepresentsthethreemembersoftheband;thatwouldbeniceifitweretrue,

butsadlyitisnot.

Itamazesmethatwesellouttheratherlargetheatereverytime;ourshowshave

becomeaneventthatpeopleseemtowanttobeapartof.Wedon’tjustplaythrough
thesameoldsongslikethey’rerecorded.Playingwiththesametwoguysyourwhole
lifehasitsadvantages.Weletthingshappenratherthanforcearehearsedsetlist,andit
makesforaveryuniqueshoweverytime.Wehavehadoffersonrecordcontractsbut
wedon’tfeeltheneedtogothatway.Allofusareself-employedandenjoywhatwedo.
We have made contacts over the years, we play big festivals, and the independent
albumssellwellenough.Livinginabusandplayingeverynightjustisn’tinthecards
forusanymore.It’sallaboutkeepingthingsinterestingandhonest.Nottomentionwe
allhaveouraddictions;Icertainlyhavemine.

Istoodtherewithmyeyesclosed,inmylivingroombreathinginthroughmynose,

then slowly out of my mouth. I opened my eyes to see dusk had set in, the sun no
longershotbeamsoflightthroughmylivingroom.Themomentwasgone.Theroom
darkenedandthedustintheairdisappeared.

“You’relateagain,”shewhisperedasshewalkedbymeandsatonthebenchbythe

door.SonyaworksataCigarloungethatIfrequent,wehadgottentoknoweachother
over the past few weeks. Last night was the first time we had sex; she is great but I
knew this was going to be a one-time thing. I know she felt the same way, it was
somethingweneededtogetoutofoursystems.

Icouldsmellherperfumeasshebreezedby.Herfacewasstillflushedandherlow

cut shirt exposed the soft skin of her breasts rising and falling with every breath. I
clenchedmyjaw;Iwantedheragain.Iwasgettinghardthinkingaboutslidingmycock
betweenhertits.Sonyazippedupherlongblackbootsandledthewayoutthedoor.I
followed-helmetinhand.

I got on the bike and fired it up. Now about the bike; she’s an old girl. She is not

shinyandnewbutshehasbeenthemostconsistentthinginmylifeandIwillnever
replace her. Any old bike, and most old cars, have a quality I like. It’s like when you
firstgetintoamotelroomandyoucanfeelthecountlesspeoplewhohavebeenthere
before.TheMetropolisTheaterhasasimilarquality,butmoreonthatlater.

WhenIwasateenagermygirlfriendandIwereonaroadtripinthecountry.Isaw

thebikewitha‘ForSale’signonitinfrontofanoldfarmhouse.WhenIsatonitIfelt
theoldstoriesitwouldtellifitcould,goodstories;theseoldmachinesdon’talwaystell
goodstoriesbutshedid.Farfromroad-worthy,itwentinthebackofthetruck.Over
thenextyearorsoIbroughthertolife,andweweremakingstoriesofourown.Ihave
torevthebikeupwhenIfirststartit,twistingthethrottlegivesathroatyscreamand
the heavy frame vibrates. My companion swung her leg around and draped herself
overthebike;Ireleasedtheclutchthemomentshewrappedherarmsaroundme.My
streetiscanopiedwithhardwoodtreesandthefallenleavesflewintheairasweraced
downthefamiliarroad.I’dmissedsoundcheck,butwithafewshortcutswewouldbe
attheMetropolisTheaterintwentyminutes.Plentyoftime.

Bonneville is my home city and I know it well. When one of my idols described

Bonneville he said, “It’s like the ship is sinking and the ocean is on fire.” Less than
complimentarybutIknewwhathemeant.Itcanbeadangerousplace;duringtheday
thecobblestone streets and heritagebuildings seemed like afairy tale, but with night

came the deviants—the night people, my people—many of whom would be at the
MetropolisTheaterrightnowwaitingfortheshow.

There was something special about this evening, like the change in air pressure

beforeastorm.Mybikewasrunningbetterthanusual,andmyfriendfeltgreatbehind
me.SheplayfullywrappedherlegsaroundmeandIrespondedbyopeningthethrottle
and picking up speed. This shortcut required us to take a dirt road that is private
propertyownedbytherailway.ItrynottodoittoooftenbecauseIknowthepolice
will be called and it’s not usually worth the hassle, but my being late for shows had
beengettingoneveryone’snervesandIjustwantedtogetthere.It’sreallytoobadthe
white hats in the rail yard always call the cops because I truly love this route.
Bonneville is on the horizon to our right and the road climbs and dips perfectly, at
times I felt weightless at the crest of the hills. The bike, my lovely passenger, and I
floatingtogether.Thereisoneminorflawwiththisroute,asitsintendedpurposeisto
servicetherailyards,naturallytherearetrains.

WithaladyonthebackIwouldn’tusuallybesodaring,butIfeltgoodthisevening,

confident,focused.Iknowthisroutewell,soIwasveryawarethetraintrackswehad
beenridingalongsidewouldsooncrossourpath.

There was a train rumbling along on our left, the locomotive spitting air, grinding

metal,smokingandshaking.Aweatheredlookingengineerwaswavingandyelling;I
didn’tlookdirectlyathimbutIcouldseehimfromthecornerofmyeye.Inmymirror
Isawtwoproblems:first,thelengthofsaidtrain.IfithadonlybeenafewcarslongI
could have just slowed way down, let the angry engineer go on his way and then
carriedononcethetrainmadethecrossing.Unfortunately,thistraindisappearedinto
thehorizonbehindus.IfI’dlethimgoahead,wewouldbestuck;hemayevenstopthe
train, straddling the crossing and it would be game over. Problem number two: the
policecruiserwiththeredandblueflashinglightsbehindus.

Ihadnochoice:Ihadtomakethatcrossingbeforethetraindid.Ipulledbackonthe

throttle and Sonya squeezed me tight. The front of the train was a few car lengths
aheadnowandittookallthisoldbikehadtogettothelocomotiveagain.Afewtwists
andturnskeptusneckandneckwiththeheadofthebeastandmyheartbeganracing.
Wewereclose.Icouldseethecrossing.Thetrainblasteditshorn,itmayhavebeenthe
loudest thing I have ever heard, our bodies shook, she squeezed tighter still. I could
faintlyhearthesirenfromthecoponmytail,itwasquietcomparedtotheuglybeast
ofatrain.Theweightdifferencebetweenatrainandacaristhesameasacartoacan
ofCoke,afactIpickedupsomewhere.

My wrist had the throttle all the way back, the engine was screaming. There is a

point of no return when a jet is taking off, at this point, the plane must take off; at a
certainspeedontherunway,thepilotandco-pilotsayvelocityoneandthat’sit,evenif
the plane is on fire, you have to fly or die. My heart could not go faster; I was losing
focus.Myvisionwastunneling;theengineermusthaveappliedtheemergencybrakes
because the sound of metal grinding on metal was deafening. My god we were not
going to make it; the engineer laid on the horn and kept it going, my passenger
squeezed me harder again, I squeezed the bike with my legs, the three of us were
molded together and I said velocityone in my head. The sirens behind us, screaming
metal beside us, blasting horns shaking our bones—it all stopped for a moment. We

werethere,atthecrossing.Iheldmybreathandthebike’swheelsleftthegroundfrom
the lip of the rails. We flew across the tracks, for a moment, time stood still and
everythingwentsilent.

Wetoucheddownontheotherside.
I still do not understand how we made it, but we did. The terrible sounds of the

locomotivefadedawayandSonyaletoutadelayedscream.Shewasyellingsomething
butwhenIturnedtolookathershestopped,andwebothsmiled,oureyeswerewide
andwewereverymuchalive.Isloweddownfortherestofourjourneythroughthe
industriallandscape.

The Mercier Bridge was condemned many years ago, but the other bridges into

Bonnevillewerealwaysslowandbackedup.Youcouldn’tgetthroughthebarricades
with a car but it was easy with a bike. There were a few spots where you needed to
negotiatearoundconstructionjunk,butitwasn’tabigdeal.Withoutquestionthebest
viewofBonnevilleisfromtheMercierBridgeatnight.Duskhadturnedtonightand
theglowofthecitylitthesky.

SometimesIwonderhowIcanloveaplacesodamaged.Bonnevilleisacityrunby

thieves,itissurvivalofthefittestandtheweakarelefttodie.Idon’tknowwhatthe
murderrateis,butit’snotgood.Thereisakindofdesperationhere,itseemseveryone
is hustling for something. The police have become something of a paid service; they
can be very effective for the right price. They don’t choose sides; the highest bidder
alwayswins.Nothingisillegalifyoucanaffordit.Sex,it’severywhere,thatmightbea
partoftheproblemforme.

IthasbeenaproblemforaslongasIcanremember.I’vegainedsomecontrolover

theyears,IknowwhatIam,whenIfeelitcreepinginIhavemywaysofdealingwith
things.Iwon’tusethetermsexaddict,butlookingbackIcanseeIwas.

What is right and what is wrong? Sometimes it’s clear, other times the line is less

obvious.TakeforexamplethewomenIhavebeenwithovertheyears—inanelevator,
cornerofalibrary,publicpark,thetrain—theseareallplacesIhavehadsomekindof
intimate encounter with women who were complete strangers. Almost every time it
worked out because I am able to see when a woman has the same affliction. These
werenotpartygirlsorprostitutes,theyarenormalgirlsontheirwayhomefromwork,
orfromthegym,maybemiddayontheirlunchbreak.InalmosteverycaseIwouldbet
thesewomenhadneverdoneanythinglikethatbeforeandpossiblywouldneverdoit
again.Now,don’tgetmewrong,I’mnothidinginthebushesorlurkinginalleys.Like
thesewomenI’mafairlynormalguy,Iknowwhat’srightandwhatiswrong.

Think of all those times you had a brief moment with a stranger, then self-

awarenesstakesoverandthebothofyoubreakthemomentanddartawayindifferent
directions.Onatrain,ataredlight,onthebeach;ithappensallthetime.Whatifyou
didn’t break the moment? What if you had simply let things progress? You might be
surprised;wearejustanimalsafterall.Iadmitthatinmyyoungeryearstherewasa
learningcurve,ittookmetimetofindthatline.Whenthemomentcomesyouhaveto
commit,Iwouldrarelysayanything.Maybejustasoftkiss—itcanfeellikelightning
whenit’sfromastrangerinanelevator.Letithappen.Recentlyinaparkawomanwas
walking my way on a narrow path. Both of us were trying to avoid one another. We
briefly made eye contact and did the classic dance, she went left and so did I.

Eventuallywefoundourselveswithinthatpersonalbubblethatwasdesperatelybeing
avoided.Thenithappened;Iexhaled,relaxedmyface,andjustsaid,“Hi.”Ileanedinto
kissherandshemetmehalfway;justletithappen.

Thisisnotsomesortofbravado.Itisjusttwoadultshavingaprivatemomentthat

wouldneverbediscussed.IknowithelpsthatI’magoodlookingguy.Iknowwomen
findmeattractive,butthereismoretoitthanthat.IfIcanmakethemfeelsafethey
getthemessagethatthisisthechancetodothatthingtheyhavealwaysthoughtabout.
Noonewilleverknow.Youcanbeadirtylittleslut,youcanfalltoyourkneeswitha
handinyourwetpussyandshovemycockinyourmouth.Thisisthetimeinyourlife
you’regoingtodothiskindofthing,andI’mtheguythat’sgoingtodoitwithyou.Most
people will have an experience like this once in their life, my problem is I need it to
happenoften.Ihavemethodstokeepthisundercontrol.ThereisanestablishmentIgo
towherewecanallbewhoweneedtobe,myfavoritelittlehouseofsin.

I’monlythirty-threebutIknowwhoIam,andIprobablywanttofuckyou.
My passenger and I made our last twists and turns around the final barrier of the

MercierBridge.TheairseemedtochangeaswemotoredintoBonneville.Ipulledover
next to the entrance of the cigar lounge where Sonya worked. The motor hummed
alongandsheslowlycameinforakiss,hadherhandundermybuttonupshirt,her
touch felt good. I didn’t move, with my hands on my hips I sat on my bike and
pretended I wasn’t painfully late for the show. Her lips touched mine for a brief
moment,thenshepulledawayandstruttedtothedoor.Beforeshecouldturnaround,
I opened the throttle and let out the clutch and the bike screamed. I wasn’t sure if I
wouldseeheragain.

Iarrivedatthebackentrance,killedtheengineonmybikeandslidofftheseatin

onemotion.Thebouncer/lightman,Blake,openedthedoorandgesturedmein.

“Jack,”hesaidwithanod.
WalkingdownthefamiliarhallIcouldhearthecrowd,Ipassedafewfamiliarfaces

thatglanceddownattheirwatches.Therewasafamiliarbasslinerattlingthehall;they
hadstartedwithoutme,thosefuckers.“Jack!”Iwasonthewingofthestage,aboutto
join my mates but Franky halted my progress. Franky was a questionable character
whoownedtheTheaterandhadbecomeourself-appointedmanager.

“Theysaidifyoudidn’tmakeitintimetheywouldplaytheshowwithoutyou.Nice

ofyoutofinallyshowup!”Frankyshouted.

Whatweretheythinking?ThingswouldgetstrangeforthemifIdidn’tshow,let’slet

themsweatitout,Ithought.Frankypassedmethewirelessmicandmotionedformeto
walk on-stage. I yelled in his ear, “Tell Blake to fire a spotlight on H17 on my cue!” I
tookoff,knowingIhadacoupleofminutestogettotheseatIhadchosenatrandom.It
wasRob’sideaforthelongbassintro,needlesstosayRobplayedbassandhewrotethis
songcalled,FuzzFace.WiththemicinmybackpocketImademywaytoseatH17.

“Jack,darling!”Ismiledinreplytoafamiliarlocalvamp.
“WhatthefuckWillow?”Iheardfromsomewhereclose-by.
When I arrived I found a very innocent looking girl sitting in the seat. She was

beautiful,Ms.H17.Shelookedlikeshedidn’tbelonghere.Shewassittingpolitelynext
toherfriend,whowasdeckedoutinsomesortofleatheroutfit.Itwasobvioustome
herleatherfrienddraggedherhere.

Fourmoremeasuresuntilmycue—Iwasstandingoverherandshelookedup,her

leather friend seemed shocked as she put her hands over her open mouth. Three
measures—she clearly did not know who I was, we just looked at one another for a
moment.Ihadtotakeherin,herpaleskinlookedsoft,hereyesblueandinnocent,her
hairwasblondeandlong;apartofherwasnothere,shedidn’twanttobehere.Two
measures—I leaned in to try to explain that I needed her seat. One measure— I was
crouching down, my only chance to say something but it was too late. The familiar
snap of the snare at the peak of the climax stopped the melody. We were looking at
each other and I smiled, the room was black for a moment. It was my cue, I turned
around and put one foot on the chair in front of me. I pulled the mic from my back
pocketlikeitwasablade,asinglespotlightshoneonme.Iclosedmyeyes,squeezed
the mic and screamed so hard my body rattled. The band broke into a thundering
releaseandthecrowdsoundedlouderthanthelocomotive.Imademywaybacktothe
aisle,Ms.H17wasstandingandoureyesmetbriefly.Shesmiled–nowshelookedlike
shewantedtobethere.

CHAPTER2

herewasnoencore,thereneveris.Whenthelastsongends,thehouselightsgoon

andpeoplestreamoutthedoor.Thethreeofusneverwaveanddisappearbackstage,
we would always walk off the front of the stage, accepting drinks from our friends,
smilingandlaughingatnothinginparticularaswejoinedtheparty.Ibecameapartof
thecrowdspillingoutintothemainstreetinfrontofthetheater.TimesliketheseIwas
truly happy. My bike was in the back alley where it would stay for the night. Rob,
Gregg,andIwereinourcustomaryleatherjackets,walkingwithdrinksinhand.

“We were doing fine without you. Isn’t that right Gregg?” Rob looked over for

Gregg’ssupport,butGreggjusttookadragfromhisblackcigaretteandlookedahead.

Gregg wasn’t a bad guy to have on your side, especially for this short walk to

Madeline’sthroughthedangerousstreetsofBonneville.Noteveryonewasgoingthere
butmostofuswere;amobofdrunkenpeoplewalkingdownmainstreetatmidnight
cancomewithproblems,everyoneeitherwantedtofightorfuck.NaturallyIpreferred
thelaterbutfromtimetotimetheformerwouldfindme.ThatiswhereGreggcould
comeinhandy;heisatoughguy,andnotabaddrummer.

Rob and I had grown up together, like brothers. He had somehow gotten me in a

headlock, half laughing and half yelling he said, “I’ve been carrying you too long,
Willow.Allthatsingingandguitargetsinthewayofmybass!”Ibrokeoutofitandwe
stumbledover,knockingintoacoupleofgirls.Iwasonmykneeslookingatatearin
blacktights,myeyesfollowedtheteartotheshadowunderherskirt.WhenIstoodup
from the pavement I noticed who it was we had just stumbled into; Ms. H17 and her
leatherfriend.

“Excuseusladies,”Robsaidsmiling.
“Wemeetagain,”Isaid,slightlyoutofbreath.

“Y

HAVE

ALREADY

MET

?”Robasked.

“Oldfriendsbynow.”
AsIgotabetterlook,IrealizedshewasyoungerthanIhadthought.
“Jack,”Isaidwithasmile.
“Leah.”
Her voice was soft, full lips were in a closed smile, and her head was tilted to one

side,causingstrandsofwavyblondhairtofalloverherface.

And suddenly it became one of those moments we all live for—genuine human

connection.Thenoiseofthemobaroundusdissipated,everythingaroundherseemed
blurred.ItwasjustthisbeautifulstrangerandIsharingamoment.WeweresocloseI
could smell her hair. Her perfume, her breath, her clothes, her sweat—all together
filled my lungs and I felt a familiar warmth wash over me. I felt it in the pit of my
stomach.Myeyesnarrowedandmyjawsquared,somethingaboutherblueeyesmade
herlookpainfullyinnocent.

“Jack!”Robshouted,walkingawaywithleathergirl.
Thespellwasbroken,themobloudagain.
“Leah,”Isaidwithasmile.“C’mon,thereisnowayallofthesepeoplearegettingin

tonight.Icanmakesurebothofyougetin;itwillbefun.”

“Louise,”saidtheleatherfriend,introducingherself.
“Nicetomeetya,”Iresponded.
“Wherearewegoing?”LeahaskedLouise,tryingtokeepup.
“Leah!Itoldyou,wearegoingtoMadeline’s.”
Ipulledoutacigarandlitit.Theaftershowcigaristhebest.Itookamomenttobe

sureitwasfullylitandblewthesmokeup.Themoonfilledthehazynightsky,bigand
orange,itcastitsglowonthecrowdflowingdownthestreet.

“So,whatisthisplace,somekindofkinkysexclub?”Leahaskedanyonewhowas

listening,concernlacingherwords.Ianswered.

“It’sabar.Alotofpeopledance,mostoftheregularsdefinitelydance.It’sabigplace

withlotsofdifferentrooms soyoucanfind aspotthatworksfor you.It’sjusta club
really.Forsomepeopleit’saboutthemusic.Youwouldbeamazedwhoyoufindthere;
some of the stranger behavior comes from executives, politicians, and other high
profile people who stay in the dark corners. Those people are easily avoided. No one
will judge at Madeline’s; it’s a place where you can be who you need to be. It’s not
dangerousorviolent,eventhoughitcanseemthatway;Madelinerunsatightship.”

“There is actually a Madeline?” Leah asked, looking my way. She was clearly

amusedbyourconversation,andme.“IsshelikeaMadameorsomething?”

IwasfartoofocusedonLeah,shehadaqualitythatgotundermyskin.Ourcasual

interactionhadleftmehard.Theheadofmycockmanageditswayoutofmypants,
but my belt kept it tight against my stomach. My black dress shirt kept everything
concealed,butshemusthavenoticedsomethinginmethatmadeherstepback.She
lookedalittlescared,andthisturnedmeonmore.Shewasn’tterrified,shereminded
meofapuppythatwantedatreatbutwasreluctanttotakeit.

Robhitaredindustrialdoorthreetimeswiththesideofhisfist.Wehadarrived.
RespondingtoLeah,Isaid,“Iamsureyouwillmeether.”
Madelineismyfriend,anditdidn’tfeelrightdiscussingher.
The large, heavy metal door opened with sounds of metal grinding on metal. The

soundfilledthealley.Amonsterofamanstoodbeforeus,onehandonhishipandthe
otherhandonthedoor.Helookedlikehecouldtakeallofusoutwithoneswipeofhis
fist.Hehadahighforehead,andascarrunningataforty-five-degreeanglethatdivided
hisface.Iknewhimwell,hisrealnamewasStacy,butIknewbetterthantouseit.

“Rex,canyoumakeroomforfivemore?”
“Doyouthinkyouowntheplace?WhyshouldIletyouin?”Rexsaid,lookingpast

me.

“Benice,it’sLeah’sfirsttime.”
“HelloLeah.”
“C’mon Rex, I tell ya what. We’ll take the London Room for the entire night, two

bottlesofchampagne,andwhateverthechefwantstomakeus.”

“Bigspender,aretheyfinallypayingyouoverthereattheMetropolis?”
LeahandLouiseweregigglingtogether,andRobdidhisbestBritishaccent,“Why,I

haveneverbeentoLondon!”

“Rex,”Isaid,raisingmybrow,“thishasbeenfunbutwecan’tplaythislittlegameall

night.”

Rexraisedaradiotohischin,“PreparetheLondonRoomforMr.Willowandfour

guests.TwobottlesofKrug,andhaveChefErikmakesomething.”Rexsteppedtothe
side“WelcometoMadeline’s.”

“Off you go now.” Rob ushered the ladies into the building, retaining what he

thoughtwasaBritishaccent.Theywereholdingeachotherliketheywereinahaunted
house, disappearing into the dark hallway. Rob followed them in. “Well Jack, maybe
we’llkeepya.”

Greggwalkedintothedarkhallway,itwasnotuncommontolosetrackofGreggon

thesechaoticnights,helikeddoinghisownthing.

IwalkedpastRex,slippedhimatwenty,andgavehimaknowingnod.
IhadbeendownthisuglyindustrialhallmoretimesthanIcouldcount.Ihadlittle

doubt Leah was having second thoughts as she walked through the dank space. The
backentranceisnecessary;withallMadeline’shadtooffer,morepeoplewantedtobea
partofitthanthespaceallowed.InaplacelikeBonneville,crowdcontrolwasneeded.
Thefrontentrancecouldbeapartyinitself.Withsuchalargecrowdgathered,ithas
attracted artists of all sorts to set up shop. Crowds of people tend to attract crowds of
people.Therewasfoodandmusic;IhadspentmanyFridaynightshavingdrinksand
sharinglaughsthere.Itwaslikeacarnivalgonemad,noteveryonewastryingtoget
intoMadeline’s,butmostwere.SometimesIwouldspendentirenightsoutthereand
getmessywiththelocals.

We were about to open the door to the main common area. I hoped the usual

suspects were behaving because I didn’t want Leah to be put off; I had plans that
involvedherstaying.Wecouldhearthemuffledmusicthroughthedoor.Iputmyarm
aroundhersothatsheendeduphalfinsidemyleatherjacket.Whenshelookedupat
mesubmissively,IwasconfidentthenightwouldendupexactlyasIwanted.Iopened
thedoorwithmylefthandandthemusicpouredthroughlikewaterinasinkingship.

BeingwithLeah,IfeltlikeIwasseeingitforthefirsttime.Wewereonamezzanine,

so we had a good view of the main hall, I could see that all the usual suspects were
there.Iwashappytheywere,itwaslikeaplayandthewholeroomwasthestage.In
thecenteroftheroomwasacagewherethemusiciansperformed.Itwasbeautifully
made by a local metal artist, she made many of the pieces in here. If you looked up,
you would see a chandelier made entirely of crystal champagne flutes hanging from
theceiling. There was copperpiping all over theplace. I sometimes wondered which
onesservedapurposeandwhichonesweredecorative.

Thereweremanysmallbalconieslikeoursaroundtheovalroom,andallofthem

had groups of people dancing to the music. It seemed everyone was completely

uninhibited.Allthetinybalconieswereoccupied;onehadawomanwhoseemedtobe
insomesortofsteampunkcostumethrashingherhairandgyratingherhips.Itdidnot
matter where you looked, everyone was completely involved, everyone was
contributingtothemayhem.

Theareasurroundingthecagewasslightlymoreinteractive.Mostlycouplesanda

few trios grinding together in response to the rhythm coming from the band. They
looked like they knew what they were doing, with their arms and legs tangled in a
sweaty mess. I assumed they were in a local dance class because their interactions
seemed rehearsed and professional. The band was good—analog synths and fuzz
guitarslayeredoverahalf-time,barebonesdrumlinethatdemandedyoumove.

Theairisalwaysdifferentinhere,walkinginthisroomislikegettingoffaplaneata

tropicaldestination.

Wewerenotaloneonourbalcony,joinedbythetypicalunbearablehipsters.They

werescatteredrandomly,lookingattheirreflectionsinornatemirrors.Elaboratehead
pieces, futuristic outfits, and powdered skin; they are the punchline of many jokes.
Personally, I like having them around, they are decorative. I see them like silly
Christmas decorations, sprinkled all over Bonneville. Walking, talking ornaments
glitteringoursidewalksandstreets.

“Let’s make our way down to the bar to grab a drink,” I said, clasping the back of

Leah’sneckasIspokeintoherear.

“Ok,”sheshoutedoverthemusic,smilingnervously.
The others were playing around. I had no idea what game this was, but Rob was

circling Louise with his chest puffed out, cock-walk’n like a cartoon rooster. Her
reactionsuggestedhewasdoingagoodjob.

MyhandsliddownfromLeah’snecktothesmallofherback,guidingheralong.I

think she saw me as chivalrous, but the truth was much more sinister. I felt like a
predatorandshewasmyprey.AsIguidedhertowardthestairs,Itookinthesightof
her.Herblouseexposedherback,myeyesfallingtoherroundass.Mychestwashot
and my heart quickened. I imagined one hand on each cheek. Squeezing and
separating, squeezing and separating them over and over. But it was that tear in her
blacktightsthatIkeptreturningto.

“SothisisMadeline’s,”Leahsaid,hervoicebroughtmebacktomyself.Shedidn’t

havetoyellbecausethebandwasbetweensongs.Iwasgratefulshespokeupbecause
wewereatthestairsandIwasday-dreaming.Icouldhavefallendownthestairsinmy
littletrance.Itookadeepbreathandbecamehumanagain.Myeyesreturnedtoher
faceandwewalkeddowntheextravagantstairwellthatcurvedtothedancefloor.

“I’mhappyyou’rehere,”Isaid.Thebandhadbegunagain,thelightingchangedand

a dull siren-like sound filled the room. The sound hovered up and down, Leah stood
transfixedonthestairsafewstepsfromthebottomwithherhandgrippingthecopper
railing.Thedrumsbeganangryandslow,theyseemedtohypnotizethecrowdonthe
dancefloor.Halfnakedbodiesgrindedtogether.IlookedupatLeahfromthefloor.She
wasnotlookingatme,shewaslookingoverthecrowd,lostinthemoment;shelooked
likeshewasallowingherselftogetlostinthis.

IheldoutmyhandforLeah,andIpulledherintothetangledcrowd.Ineverreally

danced,butsometimeswatchingthisgrouplosethemselvesinthemusicdoespullyou

in.Itlookedfunandit’shardnottowanttobeapartofit.ThereasonIusuallydon’tis
becausetheyare,forthemostpart,reallytalenteddancers,andIamnot.

Weweremakingourwaythroughthecrowd,ourhandslockedbutbodieswedged

between us and we lost our grip. The lighting changed, the song shifted, strobe lights
flashedandforamoment,shewaslost.Witheachflashoflight,shewasinsomeone
else’s arms, at one point almost being kissed by another woman, but moved along
before their lips touched. I was lost in the moment myself; I wasn’t dancing but that
didn’tmeananything.Anathletic,blackwomanwaspushingintome,grazingmyskin,
dancingaroundmelikeIwasaprop.

IwasfixatedonLeah;herdancingdidnotmatchherinnocentpersonality.Itwas

hot, watching her dance and feeling this stranger against me. The sexually charged
crowdstirredaroundwithus,andeventuallywemet.IheldherclosesoIwouldnot
lose her again. We pressed against each other making as much contact as possible. I
pulled her hair back in my fist as we locked together, her legs straddling my thigh. I
couldfeeltheheatbetweenherlegs.IwashardandIknewshecouldfeelit.Hereyes
wereclosed,ourfacespushedagainsteachother.Cheektocheek,ourlipswouldtouch
but we never kissed. I could tell by her heat, how she felt pressed against me, that I
could slide inside her standing up here and now. The song ended, our eyes slowly
opened, and our mouths slowly turned to smiles. Suddenly Louise hugged Leah and
twirledherawayfromme,Leah’sheadshotbackasshelaughed.

Leah was at the bar. I put an arm on either side of her and held onto the railing,

trappingherinsidemyarmsandagainstthebar.Thebartenderwasastrikingwoman,
herblackhairwastiedbacktight,andhereyemakeupwastheatrical.

Thebartenderlookedusover,“Swell?”
“No.Jamesonforme,”Ipointedtoeachofmythreecompanionsandtheyshouted

whattheywanted.IpushedagainstLeahandshepushedback,myarmsstillpinning
hertothebar.Sheleanedbacksoherlipswerenexttomyear.

“WhatisSwell?”sheasked.
“Ahousedrink.Iwouldsticktoyourmartini.”
“So,theLondonRoom?”sheaskedinquisitively.
Ismiledandlookedoverthedancefloor,andtherewasHeather.Iknewitwasn’tan

issue, being with Leah, regardless, I did not want to get Heather’s attention. Heather
seemed smitten by the gentlemen she was speaking to; her brown curly hair was
pushed back by a black mask that covered her eyes. Heather had made the mask
herselffromthin,soft,blackleatheranditwasstitchedbeautifully.Thewhitedevilish
designcurledfromthecornersofhereyes.AllofHeather’sexpressioncomesfromher
mouthandsincehermaskcoveredherentirefaceexceptfromthenosedown,thiswas
greatlyamplified.HeatherandIwerefriends,wehadmanyofthesamecompulsions,
andwehadanunderstanding.

“TheLondonRoom,it’sjustalounge.It’sfundownherebutit’shardtotalkoverthe

music.Believeitornotthefoodhereisthebestinthecity.”

Aswemadeourwaythroughthecrowd,IkeptlookingbacktocheckonLeah.We

werehandinhandandshewassmiling.Aneccentricdanceronstiltsbentdownand
touchedhercheek,sherecoiledandscurriedclosertome.Iwassurprisedandgaveher
alookthatsuggestedbewilderment.Sheletoutalaughandstayedclose.Itwasthefirst

laughIheardfromher,itsoundednatural,full,andbeautiful.Itusuallytakesawhile
ofgettingtoknowoneanotherbeforepeoplelaughfromtheirstomachs.Thekindof
laughwhereyourshouldersbounce,yournostrilsflair,andyougiveadistinctive“ha.”
Shecaughtherselfandreeledherselfinalittle.Hermartiniwastakingitseffect.Itwas
a nice moment; she seemed young, she seemed to have given me a higher level of
trust. I had been feeling the ebb and flow of her acceptance, little subtleties in her
mouthandeyesthattoldmeshewasscared,orexcited.Wehadjustmetandshehad
takenhersocialdefensesdownforme.Leahwaslettinggo,thiswasthattimeinher
lifeshewoulddothiskindofthing,andI’mtheguyshewasgoingtodoitwith.

“Who’s the school girl?” Heather blew out smoke as she asked. Sometimes when

you’retryingtoavoidsomethingyouendupfocusingonthatverythingyou’retrying
to avoid. Focus on something, it’s the best way to bring it near. Heather was now
wearingaturn-of-the-centurystyleVictorianmask.Shewasstrikingandattractedafair
amountofattention.

“Heather,” I smiled and acknowledged the man in the suit she was flirting with.

“ThisismyfriendLeah;sheisgoingtobeahireddancerhere.”IlookedatLeahtosee
ifshewouldplayalong.SheclearlywantedtomoveonbutengagedwithHeather.

“Hey, I like your boots,” Leah said with a smile. There was some kind of ancient

femalesocialthinghappeningthatIdidn’tunderstand.Ijustwantedtotakemynew
friendtomycave.Heathertookadragfromhercigaretteanddidn’trespond.Icouldn’t
tell if she wanted to fight or fuck, I preferred the later. Leah, my dear Leah, who
moments ago looked so young and innocent, was now staring back at Heather,
challengingherwithasmile.IenjoyedtheintensitybutIhadplans.

“Heather,”Isaidwithatonethatsuggestedwewereleavingandsheshouldcutout

thesexystaringcompetition.

“I like you,” Heather said to Leah, as she half smiled and walked past us. I pulled

Leahtowardthestairs.HeatherwasharmlessandLeahdidn’tseemterriblybothered
bytheexchange.

TherewassomethingthatIhadbeenfixatingon,thatsmalltearinLeah’stights.I

have a habit of focusing on very specific things and obsessing. I needed to get my
fingersinsidethattearandmakeitbigger.Icouldonlyseethesmallestamountofthe
skinonherlegfromthattear,andIneededtoseemore.Ineededtoseethesoftskinon
theinsideofherthighs,Ineededtotearthosefuckingtightswideopenandtastewhat
isbetweenherlegs.IneededtogethertotheLondonRoom.

“ W

CHAPTER3

elcometotheLondonRoom.”

ThedoorswungopenandIwalkedinlikeitwasmyapartmentafteralong

day.Itookoffmyleatherjacketandletitfallontheburgundysofa.Iheadedtothebar,
nexttothemassivewoodframedwindowthatstretchedfromfloortoceiling.Thelarge
doorclosedbehindus,themusiccomingfrominvisiblespeakerswasdifferentthanthe
musicoutside,anditcreatedastrangeeffect.

I walked by the table of extravagant food with little notice. I was focused on a

humidorthatcontainedfinecigarsthatarethemainreasonItaketheLondonRoom.
Leah was behind me, my back to her but I could tell she was checking out the
extravagantspreadoffood.IcuttheendofthecigarIselectedandenjoyitsfamiliar
smell,thenlightit.Throwingsmokeoutofmymouthandsuckingin,Imakesureitis
goodandlit.Thelastdragwasperfect,mymouthfullofthicksmokeandmyteethand
gums went numb; I let out the smoke and my lips start buzzing. So fucking good. I
turnedaroundandtossedwhatwasleftoftheJamesondownmythroat.Ismiledand
triednottolookthreatening,IdidnotwanttoscareLeah.Thetruthwas,Iwantedto
striphernakedandforcehertoherknees,andforcemyhardcockdownherfucking
throat.ThereisnothingsweetaboutmebutIcouldpretendforawhile.

“Trythestrawberries,”Ismiledandtriedtokeepmyprimitivemindincheck.
Itwasn’tpossibletotryallthefoodhere,itwasexcessive.Leahreachedfaroverthe

tabletotakeastrawberry,shehadtobeonthetipsofhertoestogettothem,andher
assperchedup.Thecurvefromherassupherback,uphershoulder,anddowntothe
tip of her finger was angelic and smooth. She stood straight and was about to take a
bite,butstoppedandlookedatmesuspiciously.Icouldsenseshewasreelingherselfin
again;Iprobablyseemedabitmuchstaringather,smokingmycigar.Icouldfeelher
growing nervous. I filled my mouth one last time with smoke, arched my head back
andblewitouttowardtheceiling.Iputtheburningcigarinacleanashtrayandwalked
toward her, I felt intense but in control. I could tell I was intimidating her, but I also
knewshedidnotwanttoleave.Sheheldthestrawberrytoherlips,reluctanttobite.
Her body language suggested she was suspicious of me. She waved the strawberry
aroundherlipsandgaveaquestioningsmile,hereyesnarrowed.

“HowmanygirlshaveyoubroughthereJack?”
I walked toward her with confident, deliberate strides. She took a step back, still

holding the strawberry to her lips. I reached past her and grabbed the bottle of
champagnethatwasinabucketoficeonthetablebehindher.

“Leah.” I began to pour one glass. “I think it is fair to say we ran into each other

quitenaturallythisevening.”Ibegantopourthesecondglass.“I’mhappyyou’rehere
withme,thereisnodiabolicalplan.”

Themusicwasdarkandsmooth,wewereclose.ThecornerofLeah’smouthturned

into a smile and she took a bite of the strawberry. I took a slow breath and watched
her.Shewastrulyinnocentandthisattemptshewasmakingtobeboldwassexy.With
eachpassingmomentwewerebecomingcloserandmorecomfortableineachother’s
presence.

I offered her the glass and held up one for myself. I fucking hate toasts and the

bullshit etiquette that comes with it so I just smiled and drank the champagne. She
followedsuit.

“So,isthisoneofthosesituationswhereyouexpectablowjobbecauseyouwined

anddinedagal?”shesurprisedmewithherfrankness.

“Darling,Iexpectnothing,butyoucandowhatyouwant.”
She set her glass on the table as I walked into her personal space. She took a step

back, but I continued to walk toward her. Leah grabbed my shirt with one fist and
pushedagainstme.

“Doyouthinkyoucanhavemesoeasily?”
OurlittledancebroughtustoapillarintheroomwithLeah’sbackpressedagainst

it. She looked angry and combative, trying to push me away. Her chest was rapidly
risingandfalling.Igrabbedthebackofherheadandforcedhermouthonmine.She
struggled for a moment then submitted. The transition was abrupt, Leah went from
guardedtosexuallyaggressivequickly,ourmouthslockedandourtonguesmet.

Ipulledherinthedirectionofasofathatwasclosebyandwestoodnexttoitand

continued our kiss. I grabbed her hand and tried to force it down my pants, but she
pulledback.Iwassofuckinghard.Itriedtotakeoffhershirtbutshefoughtbackwhile
stillkissingmeandgrindingmythigh.Ifelttheheatfrombetweenherlegs.Herskirt
waslooseandeasytopulldown,itfelltothefloorinapuddle.Iforcedhertositdown.
Iwaskneelingonthefloorinfrontofher,herlegsstraddledme,thetearinhertights
biggerthanIhadthought.

Foramoment,shewrappedherlegsaroundmeandsatupslightly.Ipulledoffher

topandpushedherbackhowIlikedher.Iwantedtofeelherwetpussy,Ineededtosee
theskinIhadbeenthinkingaboutallnight.I’mapigandsheisabouttofindout.Iput
myfingersinthetearofherblacktightsandrippedthemopen.Halfofherbeautiful
cunt was exposed. She made a sound and movements of restraint, pushing my face
with her hand. I got both my hands on the freshly torn edges of her black tights and
rippedthemopenagain,exposingtheinsideofherthighsandherbeautifulwetpussy.
Leahsatupagain,breathingheavy,herhairstickingtoherfacefromsweat.Myview
from down below looking at her pussy, half exposed breasts, and beautiful face was
perfect.Shelookedbackatmeshocked;shebitherlipandnarrowedhereyes.

Ilookedbackatherlikeshewasbeingpunished.Iheldherwetcuntinthepalmof

my hand and felt the edge of her ass with the tip of my finger. She looked visibly
surprisedathowfastthingshadprogressed.Shewasflexible,becauseofthewayshe
hadbeenslouchedonthesofa,shewasabletocurlupandbringherfacefairlycloseto
mine; her knees were over my shoulders and her feet dangled behind me. She was

watchingmeandIlikedit,Ibroughtmyfacebetweenherlegsandmylipsgrazedher
wetones.

Onefoldatatime,bottomtotop,outsidemakingmywayin,lickingslowandhard,

hotandwet.Herbreathswerechangingandherkneesfellfurtherapart.Withahand
oneachcheekIproppedherup,thethumbofmylefthandslightlypenetratedherass.
Ileftmythumbthereandburiedmytonguedeepinsideher.Shepushedbackintomy
faceandmythumbbegantodisappear.Mylipswerepressedfirmlyagainstherpussy
and she was pushing back, my tongue was buried as deep as possible but still we
pushedintooneanotherasItriedtogetevendeeperinside.

Irelaxedmytongueandlipsandeasedherassbackdown.Shemeltedintothesofa

andImeltedmyfacebetweenherlegs.Myheartfeltlikeitwaspumpingelectricity.I
kissedherpussypassionatelylikeitwashermouth.Mytongueslidupanddownand
my lips locked to hers, my head twisting trying to find the perfect fit. Leah’s hips
swayed side to side matching my movements. My tongue felt her erect clit, it was
obvious what she wanted. I circled and crossed trying to find what was right, when I
forcefullyflickedupanddownIgottheresponseIwassearchingfor.Itwasamoan;
herkneesfellwiderstill.

Ifoundwhatsheliked.Niceandhard,upanddownwithmywettongueagainsther

swelling clit. Two fingers buried in her cunt, everything was wet, the inside of her
thighsslick,herpussywassowetitdrenchedmyhand,downmywristandarmtomy
elbow.Ifuckedhercuntwithmyhandandwhippedherclitwithmytongue.

She was no longer supervising, her head shot back and her back was arched. She

gyratedupanddown,herjuicedrippedfrommychin,shegaveaconsistentmoanthat
flutteredwithourmovements.Theelectricityfrommyheartwasfiringintomyhard
cock.Shewasthehottest,sweetestthingIhadeverseen.Myotherhandmadeitsway
tohertits,herskinwassosoft.Pullingherbradown,herhard,pinknipplespointedup.
Igropedhersoft,beautifulbreast,Ihadhernipplebetweenmyfingersandsqueezed
andpulled.Hermoanturnedtoagrowlandherbodyvibrated.Ilickedhardandfast,
mytwofingerswereinsideherholdinghersteady.ThiswastoomuchandIhadtojerk
off,Iwasontheedgeofcummingmyself.

Thennothing,nosoundandnomovementfromher.Shelookedpossessedwithher

backarchedandherchinpointedtothesky,rigidlikeastatue.Ididn’tstoplickingand
sucking,Ihadtotakemyhandoffmycockforaminute,tryingnottocumwithmy
faceburiedinherpussywasalmostimpossible.

Suddenly she released. Her body was no longer rigid and she let out a sound that

could have been mistaken for horror if I didn’t know better. She grabbed me by my
hairandscreamed,shewasbeyondwet,shegushedallovermyhandandchinandI
lovedit.Ilickedupanddownlikeshewasanice-creamconewhileshespasmed,waves
ofhotliquidsexpouredoutofherandontome.Ilickedupanddownsomemoreand
sheletoutanotherscreamandsomehowgotwetterstill.

Ibegantojerkoffagain,withmyhandnowdrenchedfromhercum,itlubricated

mycock.Ilickedhercarelessly,Ihadtocum.Iwantedtoburymycockinsideherand
let out my hot cum as soon as I was good and deep but I knew that was wrong.
Something had to be done. I squeezed my cock to delay, stood up slightly and rested
mycockonherwetthrobbingcunt.Iglidedupanddownafewtimesbutitwantedto

goinsidetoobadly.Igrabbedmythrobbingcock,pushingmyballsintoherpussy,and
they were instantly wet from her cum. Leah was in a daze but she knew what was
happening.Shereacheddownandtouchedtheheadofmypenis,butIwasjerkingoff
so hard there was no place for her there, so she lowered her wet hand and held my
balls.Weweresowetthatherhandslidaroundtryingtogetagrip.Everythinginme
tensedandIcamehard.Wewatchedashot,whitecumshotout,onherstomach,her
neck,hertits,myhands,herhands.Imoanedandsheansweredwithhighpitchsounds
tellingmeeverythingwasO.K.

Weletthemomentdissolve.Iwaskneelingbeforeher,mycockstrong,heavy,and

slightly relaxed, cum still dripping off the tip. My black shirt open and pants half on.
Leah,mygod,shewasasight.Herblacktightstornopenatthecrouch,herbrafolded
under her tits, drenched in cum. She was relaxed, melted into the couch, breathing
shallowbreaths.Hermakeupwasrunningasifshehadbeencrying,butaslightgrin
told me she was O.K. She looked up at me and I looked back. I was slightly out of
breath.

“Holyfuck,”Isaidbetweenbreaths,asifwejustgotoffaridetogether.Leahletout

aneasycomfortablelaugh.

“Wedidn’tevenlockthedoor,”Isaid.Leahcoveredherselfthebestshecouldasif

someonewasgoingtocomebarrelingthoughanymoment.

“Ohmygod,”shelaughednervously,“golockit,please.”
I tucked my cock in my pants, left my shirt open, and walked over to the door to

lockit.IlookedbackatLeahandsherelaxed.Trulyadecadentsight,thisroomwithall
thisfood,Leahrumpledandsweatyonthecouch.Imademywaytomycigar.

“Stilllit,”Isaidtomyselfinsurprise.Itookafewquickpuffstomakeitfullyrelight.

Thetasteofpussyandcigar,thereisnothingbetter.Whiskeywouldbeanicetouchbut
thischampagnewouldhavetodo.Withthecigarinmymouthandchampagneinone
hand, I grabbed a towel and returned to Leah. She had an animal print blanket half
drapedoverher.Ikneltinfrontofher,thinkingshewouldtakethetowelbutinstead
tookthechampagne.

ShesatupandIbegantheslowprocessofcleaningherup.Itookslowpuffsofmy

cigar as I cleaned my cum off her. She drank the rest of the champagne swiftly. The
music was dark and she seemed to be latching on to it. There was an ashtray within
reach,soIsetdownthecigar.Iranmyhandthroughherhairtoexposeherneck.She
giggledasIcleanedherupsomemore.ShepulledherbrabackinplaceandIpulled
what was left of her tights off. She was completely naked from the waist down and
lookedbeautiful.Herhighheelswereclosebysosheshovedthemonherfeet.Upshe
stoodnexttome,nakedsaveherbraandhighheels.Withtheglassofchampagnein
one hand she took the cigar with the other. Sweaty and smelling of sex, she was
perfect.Istayedonmykneesandwatchedasshetookalongdragfromthecigarand
walkedtothetable.Shefilledherglassandreturnedtome,handingmethecigar.Leah
bentdownandpickedupherskirtthatstilllaypooledonthefloor,thenstruttedtothe
bathroomwithitandhershirtinhand.

“YouareaninterestingmanMr.Willow,”shesaidasshewalkedaway.
Ifellbackfrommykneesandsatonthefloor.MyinnocentLeah,howmanypeople

haveyoufooled?Ismiledtomyselfandtookanotherdragofthecigar.

CHAPTER4

was in that moment I cherished, the only time I am at peace. I just came, which

alwaysmakesmefeelcentered.AllthatprimitivefirewasgoneandIsatthere,relaxed,
thinkingofnothing.Butitneverlastslong.Thelockeddoorrattledassomeonetriedto
open it. I could hear the familiar voices and laughter of Rob and Louise on the other
side.

Ibuttonedupmyshirtandmademywaytothedoor,innohurry,andopeneditup.

“Well,well,well.”Ismiledandwelcomedmyfriends.

“WhereisLeah?”Louiseaskedwithanairofconcernforherfriend.
“Sheisinthebathroom,”Ianswered.
Louisewalkedpastme,towardthetableinthecenteroftheroom.“Whatthefuck?”

shelaughed.“ThislookslikearoyalweddingfeastinancientRomeorsomething.”

Rob was eating a prawn while scanning for what he would take next, when out

walked Leah, smiling at her friend. I assumed Louise would notice Leah was not
wearingtightsanymore,butshedidn’tseemto.

IwantedtobealonewithLeah,Iwantedtogettoknowherbetter.Thatfeelingwas

strange for me; it was much more common for me to want to leave as quickly as
possibleaftersex.Therearetwopeoplethatliveinmyhead,theguybeforeIcumand
theoneafterIcum.Theyareverydifferentpeoplethatliveinmyheadbutcouldnot
share an apartment. I was thinking about why I was so drawn to her. Leah was
attractive,butIhadbeenwithmanyattractivewomenbefore.MaybeitwasbecauseI
didn’t actually fuck her, and that left me feeling that something more needed to be
done.

Theblastofthesecondchampagnebottlebeingopenedjoltedme.
“Jack!”
Rob’s voice brought me back and I realized I must have looked strange day-

dreaming.

“It’sbeenahellofanight.”
Robpouredthechampagneintofourglassesandpassedthemout.Ipretendednot

tocarebutIwashopingthatbottlewouldnotbeopenedtosaveafewbucks.Weall
raisedourglasses,Leahacrossfrommeandwewerecaughtineachother’sstare.We
hadasecretandbothofourmouthscurledupintotrustingsmiles.

“ToMadeline’s!”Robexclaimed,raisinghisglasshigh.
Wealltouchedglasses.“ToMadeline’s!”weallresponded,thendrank.
MyeyesstayedonLeah,sheheldhersmileasshebroughtthechampagnefluteto

hermouth.

“Nicetable.”
Louise was referring to the pool table. It was striking with its red surface and fine

wooddetailing.

“Girls against boys?” Louise suggested with a challenging tone. Leah laughed in

response.

“It’sgettinglate,”Leahprotested.
Ididn’twanthertogosoIinterjected.“Onegame,thenIwillgetacartotakeyou

home.”

Mychampagnewasgone,soIopenedabeer.
“It’sjustaseasytotakethenighttrain,”Leahresponded.
IrespondedwithmybacktoherbecauseIwaschoosingapoolcuefromtherack.

“ThereisnothingeasyaboutthenighttraininBonneville,mydear.”Ichoseacueand
turned around and handed it to her. “In fact, I don’t think there is anything more
difficult.”

Shesmiledandtookit.Robalreadyhadtheballsrackedup.
“It’sallyou,”RobsaidtoLouise,suggestingshebreak.
Louisewasstruttingaroundthetableconfidently.Shelookedsexywhenshelined

uphershot,snappedhercuewithprecision,andtheballsbrokeapart.Ididn’tnotice
whatwentinandwhatdidn’t,butclearlyLouisedid,becauseshemarchedtotheside
ofthetableandlineduphernextshot.

Leah was looking at me suspiciously, slowly putting blue chalk on the end of her

cue.

“SoJack.”Leah’sgreeneyeswereonherpoolcueandchalkasshespoke,“whatdo

youdoforaliving?”

Hereyesslowlylookedupatme.Louisewasbusyclearingthetable.
Notaneasyquestionforme,Iscratchedmyforeheadwithmycigarhandandsaid,

“Itakecareofpeople.”

“Oh,”shesaid,confusedandmaybealittleconcerned.
“Fuck!”Louisefinallymissedhershot.She’dnearlyclearedtheentiretable.
“Finally,”Robsaid,ashebentdown,cueinhand,aimingwithoneeyeclosed.
Leah obviously wanted to push me further for a clearer answer but was

apprehensive.

“Howaboutyourself?”Iaskedinresponse.
“Itakecareofanimals.”
Ileanedinandspokequietly,soonlyshecouldhearme.
“Iwanttoseeyouagain.”
The words fell from my mouth and I was surprised by them. It was jarring going

from licking her pussy to socializing in a group, but I had adjusted and was enjoying
oursubtleprivateexchanges.Itwasfunthatwehadasecretthattheothertwodidnot
know. She and I had unfinished business. Leah breathed in deep and was about to
respond,butLouseinterrupted.

“Leah, finish it off!” Louise shouted. Rob had not been very successful and looked

disappointed.

Leahsmiled,exhaled,andtiltedherhead.Shelookedcomfortableinthatmoment,

clearly enjoying herself. She didn’t respond, just walked easily over to the table and
bent over. I felt that familiar fire in the pit of my stomach as I stared at her ass. My
minddrifted,shewastheperfectheightwithherhighheels.Itwouldbesoeasytoslide
mycockupherskirtandletitfinditswayhome.Afterall,Iknewshewasnotwearing
panties.Withasnap,shemadehershotandthatwasthegame.Itnevergottomyturn.

“Fuckinghell,”Robsaidinsurprise.“Muchhelpyouwere,”hesaid,lookingmyway.
“Theydidn’tgivemeachance,”Ilaughedandheldoutmyarmsinnocently.
Thetwogirlswerelaughingandexchanginghighfives.That’sanotherthingIhate

forsomereason,highfives.Ifaguysays‘highfive’andraiseshishand,itmakesme
wanttopunchhimintheface.I’llhighfiveagirlifsheputsmeinacorner.

Ifeltmyselfswayingbackandforth.Ihavehadseveraladrenalinehighstodayand

the alcohol was beginning to take hold. What goes up must come down. I promised
Leahacar,andIknewitwastimetoarrangethis.Therewasaredphonemountedto
thewallandIpickeditup;therewasnodialtone,justaclickthenavoice.

“HiJack,iseverythingtoyourliking?”
“Everythingisperfect;Iamhopingthereisadriveravailable?”
“Tenminutes,frontdoor.”Therewasaclick,andathud,andthecallended.
Ihungupthephoneandjoinedtheothersbythetable,whereLouisewaspouring

shots of something. Clearly it was good timing, having the car arranged. I took the
offered drink without questioning what it was and shot it back. It tasted like fire and
poison;Istillwasn’tclearwhatitwas.Louisewaspouringanotherround.

“I got a car, we have to make our way to the main entrance,” I said to Leah, loud

enoughforeveryonetohear.

Louise held up her shot, visibly drunk, “To...” She was trying to think of what to

toast.Ishotthedrinkbackandwalkedaway.

IscannedtheroomformyleatherjacketandspotteditonthecouchwhereIleftit

earlier. The three of them were engaged in what seemed like three separate
conversations, each of them getting louder to try and be heard by the others. Leah
looked at me and we shared a drunken laugh as I opened the door and stood to the
side. Rob did something to Louise that caused her to playfully yelp and rush out the
door.Hefollowedquickly,inhotpursuit.

This left me, for a brief moment, alone with Leah. I stood there holding the door

open.TherewereafewquestionsIhad,herlastnamebeingone.Ididn’thaveachance
tospeak.Shecameincloseandkissedme.Ididn’tleanintoher,Ijuststoodthereand
kissed her back without touching her. She took it into the next gear and kissed me
harder,likeshewastryingtogetareactionfromme.Ididn’tmove,didn’tholdheror
makeasound.Shepulledbackandputherhandonmyerection,smiled,andwalked
through the door. I gave the London Room one last glance before letting the heavy
doorswingclosed.

Wecouldhearthebandagain.Iknewthesong,Ithinkitwascalled“Red,”andliked

it,thefamiliartunegroundedmeslightly.Therewassomethingaboutknowingtheend
of the night was near that made me hypersensitive to every move Leah made. We
walked close, touching hands, the other two had disappeared in the shadows of the
hallway.Wewerewalkingbyaseriesofdoors,eachwithanameofacityorcountry
printed on it. I noticed Leah reading them all as we walked by; Chicago, Manhattan,

Montreal,Brazil.

Leahstoppedmeandgrabbedafist-fullofthefrontofmyshirt,stoppingmeinmy

tracks.Iputanarmaroundherandforcedhertothewall.

“You’regoingtocomehomewithme.”Igotthewordsoutbetweenkisses.Iforced

myhardcockintoherbodytoshowherhowIfelt.

Wewereagainstthewallnexttotheonlydoorthatdidn’thaveanythingwrittenon

it,makingoutlikeitwashighschool,andIlikedit.Theintensityleveledoutandour
kisses became slow and intimate. I pulled back and we breathed in and out with our
facesclose.IpulledbacksoIcouldseeher.Hereyeswereclosed,itseemedthatshe
wasminetodowithwhatIpleased.

Nexttousthedooropenedandthesoundsoftheroompouredout.Thenoisemade

Leahfreezeandopenhereyeswide;welookedatoneanotherandlistened.Asthedoor
slowlyopened,thevolumeofthechaosinsideincreased;thepainfulmoanofawoman,
andthevoicesofseveralmenthatseemedtobescoldingher,shoutingather.Aman
slidoutofthedoor,weheardthewomensay‘yes’threetimes,thenabloodcurdling
scream. We didn’t break eye contact. The door closed and the volume of her scream
wascutoffatitspeak,thesoundofthatwomanstuckinourears.Leahlookedscared,
thechorusofthesongplayinginthemainroomwasurgent,anditmadethemoment
moreintense.

Ididn’tmeantostopnexttothatdoor,Ididn’tneedtoexposehertothat.“Comeon,

let’sgo.”Itookherhandanddraggedherdownthehall.

“Whatwasthat?”Leahaskedconcerned.“Thatwomanmightneedhelp!”
“Thatwomanwantstobethere,Leah.”
IwantedtoexplainfurtherbuttherewasnothingIcouldsay.Thatwoman’sscream

brokethespellandLeahwenttoanotherplace.Itwasobviousshewantedtoquestion
further.ShelookedconfusedbutsheknewIwasright,shehadanideaofwhatmight
havebeenhappeninginthatroom,shejustneededtimetoprocess.Wewentdownthe
stairsandthroughthecrowd,RobandLouiseweredancingandwalking,talkingtothe
people in costumes. Leah was holding me differently; the sound of that woman’s
screamhadclearlyfrightenedher.WewalkedpastHeather,whogavemeaslysmile
andlookedLeahupanddown.

“Night,night,”Heathersaid.Inoddedmyheadinresponse.
Itwaslateenoughthatforsomeitwasmorning.Normally,leavinganykindofclub

at this time of night, you would walk out to a dark empty city street. But it was the
weekend, and the street was a circus. Street performers were still performing,
musiciansstillplaying,andpeoplestilldancing.Atthistimeofnight,thereisamadness
in the air. Getting a car here is almost impossible, but as promised, a large black car
withtintedwindowswaitedforus.Thedriverwasafriendofmineandweexchanged
waves.

The car was only a few feet away but we had to negotiate around a few strange

characterstoreachit.IopenedthedoortoletLeahin,andInoticedshewasbeginning
tolooktired.ThiswasallbecomingabitmuchformydearLeah.Sheslidintothecar
andtheothersfollowed.

The other two were being playful and that helped ease some of the tension in the

back of the car. Leah was opposite me and Rob was beside me. The car very slowly

made its way through the crowd. Vagrants clawed the windows and strange women
lookedattheirreflectionsinthetintedwindows.

“Well my friend, that was a fun show, I’m glad you showed up. We should do it

moreoften,”Rob’svoicewasslurred.

“Whydon’tyou?”Louisequestioned.“Whydon’tyoutouranymore?”
Ismiledatthethought,IknowitseemedstrangetopeoplelikeLouisethatwedid

nottouranymore.

“Wetouredplentyinourearlytwenties.Itwasfun,butIhadthatexperience,and

nowIwanttoleavetimeinmylifetohaveotherexperiences,”Ianswered.

IwasfussingwithacontroltoopenthesunroofasIwasspeaking.
“Atthispointit’spurelyforthejoyofit.JustplayingBonnevilleonceinawhile,and

maybetheoccasionalfestivalisenough.”

I had success with the sunroof and it slid open, the hot night air mixed with the

smelloftheleatherinterior.

“So,youareallfamilyguysfromthesuburbswholiketoplay‘rockstar’onceina

while?”

Louiseplayedtheinvestigatorwellandtauntedus.
“Notexactly,”Iresponded.
“Sowhat’sthedealthen,oldrichguyshavingalaugh?”
Robperkedup.“Old?”
“Notexactly,”Ilaugheddismissively.
Leah chimed in, “O.K. then Mr. Willow, when you’re not a weekend rock star, or

tryingtoimpressyoungwomenwithVIProomsandfancycars,whatareyoudoing?”

IlookedatLeah,happyshespokeupbecauseLouisewasgettingtiresome,butthe

subjectmatterjustdidn’tworkformeandIneededittochange.

“Well,Ilikefixingoldbikes.”
“Bicycles?”Louisequestioned
“Motorcycles.”MyeyesstayedonLeah.
“So,youlikebikes?”Leahsaid,asifthiswaschildishandoutofcontext.
“Old bikes. I spend a lot of time in my garage listening to the radio and messing

aroundwithold,rustybikes.”

“Sometimes he fixes bikes that aren’t broken,” Rob’s speech was getting more

slurred.

Leah’s leg and foot rested comfortably against mine. The driver partition lowered,

thedrivercalledout,“151SharpRoad,”andthecarcametoastop.

Robthrewopenthedoorandslidout,“Goodnightladies.”HekissedLouise’shand

withadrunkenbowandclosedthedoor.

I don’t really care for threesomes. I have been involved in my fair share and

enjoyedmyself,butthereissomethinglesseroticaboutit.Whenthereisjusttwo,you
feellikeyou’reinvolvedinasecretandonlythetwoofyouareinonit.Withthree,it’s
likeyou’reatadinnerpartyandtherearemannersandetiquettetoconsider.Besides,I
know far too well that fantasies are almost always best left as fantasies. If you
absolutelymusttrysomethingnew,ifthatfantasykeepsmakingitswaytothesurface
inyourmind,well,thatissomethingMadeline’scanbegoodfor.

“So, what is Madeline’s all about?” Louise questioned, as if she was reading my

mind.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Ihadaninnocenttone.
“Ihavebeenthereafewtimes,dressedupanddancedaroundthecage,butthiswas

the first time I have been upstairs. I’ve always wondered what happened upstairs.”
Louise held Leah’s hand with both of hers and continued to speak. “All those doors
upstairs,what’sgoingonbehindthem?”

Leahwasstaringatme,clearlythinkingaboutthatwoman’sscream.
“537Wildwood,”thedrivercalled.
Louiseforgotthequestionandopenedthedoor,“ComeonMs.Leah,you’restaying

withmetonight.”

I looked at Leah, challenging this suggestion with my stare. Reluctantly, Leah slid

acrossthebenchandputalegoutthedoor.

“ThesunwillbeupsoonJack,it’sbeenawildnightandIneedtosleep.”
Shewasright.Iwasinaspell.Iwasobsessingoverfuckingheranditwashardtolet

hergo,butitwastimetobeagentleman.Isatontheedgeoftheseatandkissedher
softly.

“Phonenumberplease?”Irequested.IcannotrecallthelasttimeIaskedthat.
Leah was contemplating something, looking down and biting her lip, “There is a

farmer’s market on the east side every Sunday. If you want to see me, ask for the
cherries.”

MyheadtiltedlikeaconfusedpuppyandLeahlaughedatmybewilderment.
“GoodnightJack.”Shestood,andthetwogirlsgiggledoversomethingImissed.
Louisegaveherfarewell.“ThanksJack,thatwasfun.Don’twaitayearbeforeyou

guysplayagain.”

I was looking at them through the open window in the car, half hanging out;

amused by Louise and lusting after Leah. “Cherries?” I questioned, visibly thinking it
wasariddlethatwastobesolved.

Thegirlsgiggledandwalkedaway.
“ByeJack,”Louisecalledback.
Leahturnedandsmiled.Ismiledback.
I fell back into the seat. “Time to go home George.” The car pulled away and I

drifted,thinkingofmycottage.IalwaysthinkofmylittlecottagewhenIamaboutto
fallasleep.Inoddedoffwithasmile.

“T

CHAPTER5

hesunisshiningandlifeisgood.YouareinforabeautifulSaturdayBonneville,
enjoyit!”

“Whatthefuck?”MyeyesflewopenandIwasknockingthingsoveronmybedside

table trying to stop the obnoxious D.J.’s enthusiastic voice from my clock radio. Bad
Company was well into the first verse of Moving On before I was able to stop it. I
couldn’t remember how I made it here from the car. This is not my favorite part; in
fact,Ihateit.BeinghungoverissomethingIamusuallygoodatavoiding.

Imademywaytothekitchen,pouredaglassofwaterandfinisheditwithouttaking

abreath.Itookmytimewiththesecond.Istoodthereinmyboxersandateeshirtand
contemplatedlastnight’sevents.Iwasgazingoutthewindow,couldseetheskylineof
Bonnevilleinthedistance,lettingitallcomeback.Iwasthinkingabouther.Leah.She
reallygotundermyskinifIwasthinkingaboutherfirstthinginthemorning.Theback
ofmyneckwassorefromthrashingaroundduringmyperformanceattheMetropolis.

Aknockatthedoorsoundedlikeabrokensnaredrum.Thealuminumscreendoor

needed to be replaced, one of a number of fixers this old place had that I had been
procrastinatingtakingcareof,andthatdoorwashighonthelist.

I opened the door to see Marjorie, my annoying neighbor who I suspected of

constantlywatchingmyplace.“HiJack,sorrytobotheryou.”

“HelloMarjorie,”Isquintedinthesunlight.
“IjustwantedtomakesureeverythingwasO.K.Isawablackcarinyourdriveway

inthemiddleofthenight,andtherewassomebangingaround.Iampresidentofthe
neighborhood watch as you know, and since you are a member I thought I would
check in.” She motioned to the neighborhood watch sticker on my shitty aluminum
door.Theonethatsheputthere.

“Right.” I didn’t want to be dealing with Marjorie at this moment. I suspected she

wasboredandlonelysoItriedtobeniceenough.“EverythingisfinehereMarjorie,no
needtoworry.”Weexchangedafewpleasantriesandoffshewent.

IliveinPender,it’salmostsuburbia.Thehousesarefarapartandthereareenough

treesthatthereisadecentamountofprivacy.Myhouseisabeautifulheritagehome
thatIhaveupdatedslowlyovertheyears.IboughtitwhenIwasincollege,withmy
inheritance.Otherwise,Ineverwouldhavebeenabletobuythehouseatayoungage.
Beforethat,IwasinBonnevillepartyinghardandgettingintotrouble.Thebandtoured
often enough, so college took longer than it should have. I hadn’t been in a rush to
finish, I enjoyed the balance. I had complex feelings about my time at school, but I

learnedaboutmyself,learningwhyItreatsexlikeadrugandhowtodealwiththat.

Ilovethishouse.SomethingIlearnedearlyon—onceyoudisrespectyourhome,it

changes,itfeelsdifferentfromthenon.Onceyouhaveawildparty,ordoharddrugs,
orsimplyneglectit,thereisnobringingitback.Thewallsofahomeholdinmemories
thatcan’tbewashedawayandwillnotletyouforget.Ihaveneverhadapartyhere;I
rarely bring home a woman. My home is my sanctuary and I feel lucky to have it. I
don’tlikewhendifferentareasofmylifetouch.Myhouseisasafehavenfromallthe
differentbattlesIfoughtintheworld.

Myrevivingprocesshadbegun,coffeewasbrewingandIwasrunningtheshower.I

looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror; being thirty-three my face had both
signsofyouthandsignsofage.Itriedtokeepafive-o-clockshadowbutsometimesI
shaved. My eyes looked tired from the night before. I think their color changed
sometimes, if you look close they have many colors: green, blue, yellow, and brown.
Mydarkbrownhairwasstickingoutinalldirections,longstrandsfellovermyfacesoI
pushedthemback.Ilookedatmyselfinthemirrorandthoughtabouthowfasttime
wouldpassmeby.Ifyoulookedclosely,youcouldseegrayinmymessofhair;how
longbeforetheytakeover?Iimaginedsharingmylifewithsomeone,withLeah.The
thoughtmademelaughtomyself.

Myentirelifehasbeenabattlebetweenus—mycockandI.Formostofmylife,my

cockcontrolledmecompletely.Pussywas,andoftenstillis,likeherointome.Ilearned
torecognizetheearlysignsbeforeittookmeover,sometimesIcouldkeeptheneedat
bay, but at a certain point, there is no going back. My mind would turn dark, like I
would die if I didn’t shoot cum inside a warm pussy or mouth. Thankfully I have
learned to read people quite well. I can find women in a crowd who are like me, in
somewayseveryoneis.Ihavefoundthateventhemostboringpeoplehaveatimein
theirliveswheretheyarecontrolledbytheirsexdrive.Youcanfeelitoffthem,Ifeltit
offLeah.SometimesIwouldtrytoseduceawomanwhoisnotlikeme,buttheyare
timidandscareeasy,andnotworththetime.

Withfewexceptions,itisamazinghowearlyduringaninteractionyoucanjustpull

yourhardcockoutofyourpants.Mostofthetimetheylookterrifiedforamoment,
thentheterrormeltsawayintosomethingelse,theyputitintheirmouthalmostevery
time. There are the few that fall to their knees the second they see it and shove it in
theirmouthliketheyhavebeenwaitingtheirwholelivesforthismoment.Mycockis
big, not novelty big, but it’s thick and powerful. When it is hard, I feel like it is a
weapon.Ihavebeentolditisperfectforsucking.

My shower is larger than some rooms. It was the first renovation project I

attempted.Therearemultipleshowerheads,andthetileworkisimpressive.Thewater
washotandthesteambroughtoutthesmellofthecedarceiling.Sometimes,Ithink
the best part of life is just standing in a hot shower. I made the water hotter as I got
usedtoit.IlookeddownatmydickandthoughtaboutLeah,Iimaginedherfeminine
fingerswrappedaroundit.

The image of her bent over when she took the shot that won the pool game was

burned into my brain. Water falling from my nose and chin, I looked down and
watchedmycockrise.Iwonderedifshehadevertakenituptheass,maybeIcouldbe
thefirst.IletthisideaswimaroundmybrainwhileIwashedup.Ikeptthinkingabout

her.Withahandfulofsoap,Iwashedmycock,nowtotallyhard.Iwasinadaze,half
washing,halfplaying.Thiswasallapartoftheprocess,ofstartingthedayandgetting
ridofthishangover.Iletmymindgowhereitwanted,Leahdominatedmythoughts.
Then Louise popped in my mind for a moment, Marjorie made a cameo telling me I
was a filthy man. Briefly, I simply thought about myself fucking my hand in the
shower.

Isteppedoutofthewatersoitwasjusthittingmyback,onehandabovemyhead

onarailingandtheotherstrokingmycock.Thewaterflattenedallthedarkhaironmy
body. Images of Leah filled my head; bent over, smiling, sitting in the car, eating
cherries,suckingmyballswhileIjerkedoff.Istoppedchannelsurfinginmymindand
stayed with the thought of Leah on her knees, licking my balls here in this steamy
shower.Lookingupatmepouting,“Areyougoingtocumformebaby?”sheaskedina
softvoiceandreturnedtolickingmyballswhileIjerkedmycockoffhard,causingmy
ballstobouncearound.Theflatofhertonguehuggedthemperfectly,asshelookedup
atmewithsubmissiveeyes.Itensedmymusclesandcame.Thefirstfewshotsofcum
stretched across her face, the next wave left cum half in her mouth and half on her
cheek.“Mmm,didIdoagoodjobforyou?”Leahasked,whilepushingthecumonher
cheek into her mouth. My vivid imagination flickered back to reality and I saw my
reflectionintheglassshowerdoorwithmyhardcockinmyhand.

IworkedanhourintheoppositedirectionofBonneville,inatowncalledTexada.A

medium sized town on the water. It was always daytime when I was in Texada, and
alwaysnightwhenIwasinBonneville,andPenderwaswhereIhid.

Thecoffeewasalmostthelaststepoftherevivingprocess.Frommychair,Icould

seeBonneville’sskyline,there’salwaysahazeaboveit.ItwasrarethatIwouldgoto
the city during the day, but today I had to. I left my bike there and I needed to get
money from Franky. He was not only our self-appointed manager, he was also the
owneroftheMetropolis.Frankyhadahabitofnotpayingandsometimesneededtobe
reminded.Ididn’tforeseeanyproblemsthistimebutIwouldbringmybladejustin
case. He ran with a dangerous crowd and it’s hard to know what you’re getting into
with Franky. I can’t say I ever felt in physical danger with him, but you never knew
who was hanging around. It was all business with Franky. If you didn’t ask for the
money,youwouldn’tgetit.Thereasonwekepthimaroundwasbecausehewaswell
connected,andallofusintheband,werelazy.Notonlydidheownthebestvenuein
town,hewasthereasonwegotfestivalgigsinthesummer.IguessyoucouldsayIhad
aworkingrelationshipwithFranky.

Thenextseveralhoursthoughwouldbespentdoingverylittlebutdrinkingcoffee,

beingcomfortable,andgettingdressed.Saturdaymorningsshouldnotberushed.

Bythetimethesunhadburnedoffthemorningmistandwashighinthesky,Iwas

recharged.Icalledataxiandputonmyblackleatherboots.

OntherideintotownIgotatextmessagefromHeather.
Lunch?
My relationship with Heather is hard to explain—she had been in my life

consistently for the better part of a decade. She had a habit of building me up, then
cuttingmedown.Overtheyears,wewouldhaveshortperiodsoftimewherewewould
havesex,butthathadbecomeincreasinglyrare.Ascomplexasourrelationshipwas,

Heatherreallydidlookoutforme,andIforher.Shewasslightlydisturbed,butIguess
shewouldhavetobeconsideringsheknewmesowellandstillwantedtobemyfriend.
Idon’tthinkanywomanknewmeaswellasher.

Wehadn’thadsexinalongtime.Whenwedidhaveourlittleencounters,itusually

involved me tit-fucking her. In fact, that was what I did with Heather almost every
time. She was built for it; sometimes I used lube, but spit could be better. I loved
squeezingherbetweenmylegsandtuckingmycockbetweenherbig,softtits.Iwould
glide my dick between her breasts and hang on to the headboard. It was all very
impersonal,shewouldsqueezethemtogether,guidemydicksoIwouldn’tslipout,and
talkdirtytome.“AmIyourdirtylittletitfuckgirl?”

Itwasraretohearfromherlikethis.Evenwithalltheunderlininganimosity,she

was still a friend, and I thought maybe something was up. She had a little apartment
thatwasn’tfarfromwhereIwasgoing.Imessagedherinresponse.

TheTreehouse,seeyouinanhour.
ThatwasalittlelunchspotthatIliked.
I gave the cabbie forty dollars and told him to keep the change. Bonneville on a

sunny Saturday. I was more familiar with the city at night, and maybe more
comfortable. I stood in front of Metropolis, it was a beautiful theater that had a rich
history.Onthewallswereadvertisementsforevents—aB.S.R.posterwasstillthere,a
whitebackgroundwithablackimageofabearskinonit.Ithoughtitlookedmorelike
aninkblot.MostpeoplethoughttheimagewasaRorschachtest.

I walked through the doors and into the lobby. When the door closed behind me,

the room hummed with silence. Hundreds of competing smells in the still air. It was
mostly dark, daylight fought to come in from the main entrance windows, but was
quicklyoverwhelmedbythedarknessofthetheater.Thiswasnotaplacefornatural
light.TogettoFrank’sofficeIhadtowalkintothemainhallandthenbehindthestage.

Beinginthetheateralonesentchillsupmyspine.Someofthebestexperiencesof

mylifewerehere.Theroomlookedlikeitwassleeping,andIwalkedquietlyastonot
wakeitup.

“You’recrazytoleaveyourbikeinthatalleyovernight.”Thevoiceechoedaround

andIpivotedtofindthesource.

Lookingupandbehindme,IcouldseeFrankinthebalcony.Hewasleaningonthe

railingwithhisarmsfolded,aforgottencigaretteinhishand.Thelittlehairhehadleft
was gray and combed to the side, his voice harsh from a million cigarettes. He had a
tick where he was constantly scratching his wrinkled forehead. I felt like I was
disturbingsomething.

“Franky,herewithallyourfriends?”
Hestoodupandwalkeddownthesteps,“Iguessyouwantmoney.”Hisvoicefilled

theroomeventhoughhewasoutofsightforamoment.

“Soldoutshow,”Iresponded.
FrankstoppedafewrowsfromwhereIstoodandsmokedhiscigarette,deliberating

something,thenmotionedmetofollow,ashfromhiscigarettefallingtothefloorashe
wavedhishand.

“Comeon,wewillsettleup.”
Ifollowedhimtohisoffice,andhehandedmeafistfulofcash.Hisageshowed,and

Iwasleftfeelingsorryforhim.Hesatbackinhischairandlitacigaretteoffthenearly
burnedoutonehejustfinished.“So,thereisafestivaloverinGallianonextmonth,big
nameswillbringsomebigcrowds.Icangetyouguysagoodslotonthemainstage.”

“Are you our acting agent now? How much will you get if we do?” I asked with a

knowing smile. It was a strange game I played with Frank. I enjoyed haggling with
him.WhathedidnotknowwasthatIhaveacottageoverinGalliano.Iwasplanning
onspendingatleastamonthofthesummerthereandthethoughtofafestivalgigto
breakitupsoundedlikefun.

“MaybeIshouldbeyouragent;someonehastostepuptotheplate.Youguyswould

neverplayafuckingshowifIdidn’ttakecareofyou.”

Hewasrightinaway,weweremadlypassionateaboutourmusicandplayinglive,

but we didn’t feel the need to do the big shows often. We jammed every couple of
weeksatarehearsalspotwehaveintheindustrialpartoftown,butitoftenturnedinto
apartywithotherfriends.

“I’lltalktotheguysaboutit.SeeyaFrank.”
Ipushedopentheheavymetaldoorandsteppedintothebackalley.Mybikewaited

formejustasIlefther.Ihadabriefmemoryofleavingmybicycleoutsidethegeneral
storeasIraninforcandy.Thisoldbikealwaysseemedtosummonpleasantmemories
like that. She didn’t mind that I left her here, she was old friends with the theater by
now.

Ifiredherup,itwasasloudasthedevilinthisalley.IwarmedherupasIalways

did, with each snap of the throttle she screamed. I contemplated my route to my
questionablelunchdate.Thebikehummedalongandtoldmeshewasready.Offwe
wenttoseeHeather.

The little restaurant was charming; I hadn’t been there in years. It felt slightly

differentthanIremembered.IlookedaroundandsawHeatherstaringatherphonein
thecorner.

“Hiya.”
“Hey.”
“Seattaken?”
“Itisnow.”
Shepushedthechairoutslightlywithherfoot.
SittingdownIasked,“Sohowareyafeeling?”
“Meh,I’malright.”
AwaitressaskedifIneededadrink.
“Beerandtomatojuice.”Thiswasthefinalstepinmyrevivalprocess.
Heatherwaslostinherphone.Iwonderedwhyshewouldaskmetohangoutifshe

wasjustgoingtostareatherphone.

“Doyoustillbelieveinlove?”sheasked,notlookingup.
I felt my pulse increase. This was not a good opener. My mind raced, and I

wonderedhowIcouldgetoutofthis.

“Imetsomeone,”shesaid,lookingupatme.
Irelaxed,myheartwentbacktoanormalrhythm.
“Who’stheluckyguy?”Iasked.
“Don’tflatteryourselfJack,it’snotyou.”

Thewaitressreturnedwithapintthatwasnotquitefullandacanoftomatojuice.I

slowlyshookthecanandresponded.

“It’samazinghoweasilywecansabotageagoodthingbyoverthinkingit.”
“Imean,isittoolateforpeoplelikeus?”
“Peoplelikeus?”
“Inourthirties.”
Igaveheraquestioninglookandpouredthetomatojuiceintothepint.
“Whathasgottenintoyou?”
“It’s like, throughout life, slowly things are taken away. First the tooth fairy isn’t

real,thenSanta,eventuallysomeonetellsyouthatyoucan’tactuallybeanastronaut,
oramoviestar.SometimesIfeelthatsomeoneisgoingtopullmetothesideandtell
meloveisamyth.”

Iwasdrinkingmyelixir,halflistening.Isetthepintonthetablewithabang.
“Whydon’tIjustkillmyselfnow?”Iquestioned.
“I’mseriousJack.”
“Ifyoutrulybelievelovedoesnotexist,youwilleasilycastloveaway.Ifyoufocus

onwhatyoudon’twantdeeplyenough,itwillbecomereal.”Ipouredtheremainderof
thetomatojuiceintothepint.

“That,mydearJack,wasaloadofshit,”sheresponded.Heathergavemeherbest

bitchfaceandmovedslightlytoshowhercleavageoffalittlebetter.

“Imagineyou’rewalkingonanarrowcountryroad,”Ibegantoexplain.
“Herewego,”shesaidassherolledhereyes.
Ileanedinandmadeeyecontact,“Youarewalkingalonedownaverynarrowroad

andyoucanseeacarwayupahead.Behindyouisanothercar.Bothcarscanseeyou.
Everyoneknowstheroadisnarrowandnoonewantseveryonetopasseachotherat
exactlythesametimebecausetheremightnotbeenoughroom.”

Heatherdrankhertea,andsmiled.“Iwouldjustrunoverthepersonwalking.”
“You are the person walking in this story, now pay attention. Both cars and the

personwalkingaremakingadjustmentsintheirspeedtoavoidallmeetingatthesame
time.Thereisplentyoftimetoavoidthis,infact,thetimingwouldhavetobeperfect
forittohappen,soitshouldbeeasytoavoid.”

“So...”
“So,whathappenseverytime?”
“What?”
“Every time, the two cars and the person walking meet at exactly the same spot,

eventhoughthat’swhateveryonewastryingtoavoid.”

Wedrankourbeveragesandsharedanawkwardmoment.
“Becarefulwhatyoufocuson,itwillcometrue.”
“Fuckoff,”Heathersaidandlookedbackatherphone.Ibrieflydaydreamedabout

ripping it out of her hands and smashing it into a million pieces on the floor. I often
dreamaboutmurderingpeople’scellphones.

“Justletyourselffeelgood,thinknicethoughts,andfeelsweetemotions.Lifeworks

betterthatway.”

I drank what was left of my beer and tomato juice, laid money on the table, and

stoodup.

“ThatgirlseemsalittlesquareforyouJack,”Heatherchangedthesubjectwithout

warning,clearlyreferringtoLeah.

“Ihavetorun.”
“TakecareWillow,”shesaid,hermouthinapout.
Theridebackhomewaspleasant.Someofthebestpartsofridingarethatyoucan

smelleveryrestaurantyoupassby.Whenyoupassoverasmallbridge,youcanfeel
the cool air from the water running beneath, you really get to experience the ride. I
oftenletmymindwander,thebikeseemedtoknowwheretogo,andIwaspullinginto
mydrivewaybeforeIknewit.

IopenedmyfrontscreendoorandpromisedmyselfIwouldreplaceitsoon;itreally

stuck out being on such a beautiful home. I lay down on my couch and thought of
Leah, thinking of her gave me a warm feeling. I usually cherished my Saturday
afternoons alone, but today I was lonely. I wanted Leah to be here. I knew I would
searchforherattheSundaymarkettomorrow.

“F

CHAPTER6

uck!”

Ijumpedbackinreactiontothebacongreasespittingupandhittingmeinthe

chest.Thirty-threeyearsoldandIstillhaven’tlearnedyouneverfrybaconwithouta
shirt.Sundaymorningscalledforabigbreakfastandgoodmusic.IputonOtisRedding
andlettherecordplay.

Iknewitwassilly,feelinglikeIdid.MyownadviceforHeatherwasechoinginmy

head,Iamgoingtoletmyselffeelgood.EvenifshelookedatmelikeIhadtwoheads
andfoureyeswhenIfindher,fromnowuntilthen,Iamgoingtofeelgood.It’shard
nottowhenMr.Reddingisplayinggoodandloud.

After my morning feast, I took my coffee into the garage and sized up my most

recentproject,a1939VincentMotorcycle.Arustyoldframesatateyelevel,andabox
ofpartswereonthetable.Idrankmycoffeeandstaredatit,dreaming.Iliketodream;
when you stop dreaming you’re dead. Sometimes dreaming is better than the real
thing.Ioftenletmymindwanderwhereveritwantedtogo.Toomanypeoplequestion
their own dreams and adjust their thoughts, as if others could see what they are
thinking. No one can see, it’s a safe place and the only person who will judge you is
you.

My mind was running and I followed along. I sometimes found myself in dark

places.Leah,shewassweetandhadaninnocence,butasIthoughtabouther,herein
the garage, she was in a black leather outfit looking scared. I like when girls look
scared,Iwouldneversaythatoutloudbutit’strue.Alsoadarksecretthought—IfIsee
agirlwalkingwithalimporoncrutches,itturnsmeontonoend.

I imagined putting Leah in the corner on all fours, the tight leather attire left

everything between her legs exposed. She looked scared but propped up her ass like
she was offering it to me. Her hands were in leather gloves but her fingers were
exposed.Mylittleshopwasamessofmetalandtoolsandthereshewasinthemiddle
ofit,onallfourslikeasexslave,myslave,suckingherfingersandburyingtheminher
wet pussy, staring at me with scared eyes as she fucked herself. Her fingers slowly
disappearedintohercunt,inandout,inandout.

Icame.
Ihadbeenmasturbatingduringthisdaydreamwithoutrealizingit.Ilookeddownat

my cock, saw it rising and falling with every heartbeat, cum dripping off. I came all
over the shop floor and my hand. I looked in the corner where Leah had been and
there was nothing. I shook my head, maybe I let my mind wander too much

sometimes.Igrabbedmycoffeefrommyworkbenchandfinishedit.

It was another sunny day, not unlike the day before. I spent a little more time

getting ready than usual, put on a little more cologne, continued to brush my teeth
after my electric toothbrush vibrated and told me to stop. I put on my favorite shirt
thatfitsjustrightandsmelledoffreshlaundry.Leahhadmeunderaspell.Iwanted
hertolikeme.Iwonderedifsheexpectedmetoshowuptoday.Iwasmessingwith
myhairbutgaveitarestwhenitoccurredtomeIwouldbeputtingonmyhelmet.I
wasalittlenervous,itfeltgoodtobenervous.Idon’tgetthisnervousbeforeplayinga
sold-outconcertbutthisgirlhadmeinatwist.

Ibroughtmybrownleathersaddlebagsouttothedrivewayandattachedthemto

thebike.IfiguredifIwasgoingtoafarmer’smarket,Imightwanttobringsomestuff
back. The sun was exceptionally hot considering the time of day. I could hear
sprinklersandkidslaughing,thepleasantsummersoundsrushedbymyears.

These fucking saddle bags were never easy to put on, I was struggling with them

whenMarjoriecaughtmyeye;shewashosingherdriveway.Ineverunderstoodwhy
anyonewoulddosuchathing.ShewavedwhenshenoticedIlookedup.Iwavedback.

ThebikewasreadyandIstoodbackandlookedather.Whatareweinfortoday?I

thoughtatthebike.Istretchedmybackandlookedatthebluesky,andIconsidered
whatImightneedbeforemylittledaytrip.SunglassesandcashwereallIcouldcome
upwith.ItwashotsoIdidn’tevenwearmyjacket,justmyfavoriteteeshirt,jeans,and
boots.Ieasedoutofthedrivewayandtookmytimedowntheroad.Iwasnotinarush,
itwasabeautifulSundayandIwasfeelinggood.Idroveslow,satbackonmybikeand
smiled.Myonlyplanfortodaywastogotoafarmer’smarkettofindasexygirlthat
wasprobablysellingcherries—thisdaywasdamnnearperfect.

Ihaddrivenbythismarketmanytimesovertheyearsandconsideredstoppingin,

butneverhad.Iwouldalwaysdebateaboutpullinginalittletoolong,andtheentrance
wouldflyby.Thestreetwasbusywithpeopleonfoot,soIstoppedandwaitedforthe
narrowentrancetoclear.IwashappyIdecidedtobringthebike,findingparkingfor
my truck would have been a nightmare. I spotted other motorcycles all parked
togetherandwasabletowedgemybikein.

Looking around I tried to decide which way to go. It was a beehive of activity,

swarmsofpeoplecrossedandflowedbetweentent-linedwalkways.Iwasimmediately
takenabackbytheamountofeffortmerchantshadputintotheirdisplaysconsidering
it was only for one afternoon. The music from street musicians climbed over the
volumeofthecrowd.Almosteveryonewassmiling,exchangingknowingnodstoone
another.Imademywayintothistentcityandtriedtonoticeallthelittlehandmade
trinkets, homemade bread, paintings on canvas, and a plethora of other creative
concoctions, but it was impossible to look at everything; I was getting dizzy with the
movementandstimulation.

ThesmellofcoconutandThaicurrycaughtmyattention.Ifollowedthescentlikea

bloodhound, the delicious smell brought me to a black and red tent that had several
sizzlingwoks.Itlookedamazing.Itookamentalnotetocomebackforlunch.Iasked
themanthatwascookingupastormwhereImightfindthecherrystand.Hegaveme
some directions that involved taking a left at the kale stand, and a right at the falafel
truck and so on. I thought I recognized the guy from somewhere, but he seemed

occupiedsoIjustthankedhimandwentonmyway.

I took off my sunglasses and put them on my head, pushing my hair back like a

headband.Ireallylikedthisplace;Ihadnoideahowbigitwas.Itookarightatthe
falafel truck as directed, all the merchants seemed to be farmers along this stretch.
Someofthevegetablesstillhadsoilonthem,thehandsofmerchantsweredarkfrom
thesamesoil.Theywereaproudbunch,seemedhappytobethere,likethiswasthe
easiestpartoftheirweek.

Ididn’trecognizeheratfirst.Sheworetightweatheredjeansandawhiteteeshirt

withadeepV-neck.Whenshespoketopeopleshewasconstantlysmiling.Herwhole
face contributed to her expression, her eyes and cheeks and nose all did their part. I
stoodbackandwatchedherdohermagic.Everyoneshespoketoseemedbetterofffor
having spoken to her. She seemed to make their day a little brighter. Her tent was
smallerandlighterthantheothersaround.Behindherwasalargecarvedwoodensign
that read “Fox Glove Farm.” Her display was mostly cherries portioned out in little
baskets, but there were other vegetables too. She worked fast and hard. Weighing
vegetables, chatting up the customers, taking money, and making change. She was
aloneandIassumedshesetallthisupherself.

A line had formed while I stood there. She was quite busy, and I debated what I

shoulddo.IfIstoodthereanylongeritwouldhavebeencreepy,Ihadtomakeamove.
Iwatchedalittlelongerandreadthesignsaroundherstand.QuicklyIfiguredoutwhat
theycost,howtoweighthem,wherethelittlebagswere,andtooksomementalnotes
ofwhatshewasdoing.Itookabreathandmademywayover.

“Are these organic?” I asked. It was supposed to be comical because the word

organic was everywhere. I knew no matter what I said the moment would be a little
awkward. Leah looked my way, and it took her a moment to register who I was. My
heartsankbecauseitwasthefirsttimeshewasn’tsmiling.Slowlythesmilereturned.
Shefinishedthetransactionwithhercustomer.

“Ohhhboy,”Leahsaidtoherself,butloudenoughformetohear.Shewaslooking

down, smiling and laughing, lightly amused by the moment. “I was wondering if I
wouldseeyoutoday.”

She returned her attention to her next customer and I slid around and grabbed a

bag before she could. “I always wanted to do this kind of thing, may I?” I asked and
continuedwithoutwaitingforpermission.

Shelaughedatmyboldness,“Alright,alright,youcandothemoneypart.”
Shemovedmeovertotheleft,itseemedtomakemoresenseformetoplaythat

role, and I fell into place quickly. It was a small space so most of the time we were
touching in some way. We didn’t talk to each other a lot, mostly Leah was speaking
with customers, she was very good at what she did. Leah would tell me and the
customer what everything tallied up to and move on to the next person. I felt my
presencedidactuallyspeeduptheprocessslightlyandlightenherload.Iwasenjoying
myself.

Leah floated around, restocking the displays with boxes of cherries and other

producethatwasstackedbehindthetent.Whenthelineofcustomersdieddown,she
wouldbanterwiththeothermerchants,Icontributedtoconversationssometimesbut
thiswasverymuchherspaceandIwastryingtorespectthat,soIletherleadtheday.I

tried not to get caught looking at her as she stretched to grab something. She would
perkherassup,anditwasachallengenottonoticehershapeinthosetightjeans.They
were ripped in places, it made me think of those black tights. I could tell these tight,
tired,jeansmeantsomethingtoherandIdidnotplantoripthemoff.Iimaginedher
wigglingherhipstohelpmeslidethemoff.

Abellrang.
Allthemerchantsreactedtothesoundofthebell.
“What’sup?”IaskedwhileIwasreorganizingboxesofpotatoes.Iwasreallygetting

intothis.

“Time to pack up.” She raised her hand for a high five. I am not a fan of the high

fives but at this moment it felt right. “That was the five-o-clock bell, it means the
marketisover,wedidit!”

I am not sure exactly what time I showed up, but I realized several hours had

passedby,eventhoughitfeltlikeminutes.

“YoudidgoodJack,”shehadaplayfultone.
“Whathappensnow?”Iasked.
“Wetearallthisstuffdown.”
“Let’s do this thing.” I was looking around for my plan of attack. All the other

vendor’s displays were disappearing before my eyes, they looked like they had done
thisamilliontimes.

“Stack these next to the tent.” Leah shoved a box of potatoes in my chest and

pointed where they were to go. The next few minutes I was bossed around by her.
Togetherwecollapsedthetent,andinnotime,wewerestandingnexttoapileofboxes
andafoldeduptent.“Waithere,”shesaidandtookoff.

“JackWillow?”Apasser-byasked,carryingabox.
“Hey.”
“GoodshowFriday.”
“Thanks,”Irespondedashewalkedonby.
MyfeetandbackweretiredandIwasstarving.Ihadn’teatenanythingbutcherries.

Ihopedthatcurryplacewasstillopen.

Acarhorndemandedpeoplemakeway,andanoldredtruckbackedslowlytoward

me,meanderingaroundobstacles.Leahhadanarmoutthewindowproppingherup.
She was twisted around looking back asking people to move as she backed up. She
edgeditbacktowhereIwasstandingwiththetentandboxes,thensheexitedthetruck
withatwirl.

“Nicetruck,”Isaidlookingitupanddown.Itreallywas,amid-fiftiesFord,redwith

woodenrailsalongthebox.

“Thanks.”
Ibeganloadingup,ittooknotimeatallbeforeeverythingwasinplaceinthebedof

thetruck.Leahwasleaningagainstitlikeasexyfarmergirl.

“WellJack,it’sbeenfun.”
Itseemedlikethestartofagoodbye,Irealizeditprobablywastheappropriatetime

tosaygoodbyebutIwasn’tready.

“Let’sgrabsomethingtoeat,”Isuggested.
“Iwanttogethome,Jack.”

“Where’shome?”
“Princeville.”
“Princeville?Youreallyareafarmgirl!”IknewPrincevilleastheruralareaIdrove

throughonmywayintowork.“Iknowagoodrestaurantthere.”

“ThereisonlyonerestaurantinPrincevilleanditisnotgood.”Shelaughed,“Ihave

adogtogetto,andIhavebeenslowcookingaroastallday.”

Asilencehungbetweenus,IsensedifIsaidnothingandjuststoodthereshewould

invitemeoverfordinner.

“Where’syourcar?”sheasked.
“Motorcycle.”
“Motorcycle...interesting.Ihatefollowingpeople,orpeoplefollowingme.Thereis

onlyoneexitforPrinceville.Headnorthforeightmiles,redbarnontheright.”Shedid
atwirlbackintohertruck.Shewasprobablyquestioninginvitingmeover.Irestedmy
handsonthedoorofthetruck.

“CanIbringanything?”
LeahstartedthemotorofherbeautifuloldtruckandItookastepback.“Wine.”
“Anypreference?”
“Red,somethingbig,bad,andFrench.”
And with that, she was on her way. I looked around, surprised that almost all the

vendors had torn down completely. I could actually see my bike without the
obstruction of all the tents. I made my way back. There happened to be a wine store
close so I grabbed a Bordeaux. I know very little about wine but I have noticed
Bordeauxandtwenty-somethingbucksmakeseveryonehappy.

Ituckedthewineintomysaddlebag,alongwithafewotherthings.Beforetaking

off,IsatonmybikeandateanapplebecauseIwasstarving,enjoyingagoodappleis
thesecond-bestthinginlife.Iwasn’tinarush,heavenforbidIcaughtuptoheronthe
highway and ended up following her. It never really occurred to me before, but she
wasright.Followingsomeone,orsomeonefollowingyou,isannoyingandneverreally
goeswell.Ieyedatrashcanthatwastwentyoddfeetaway.Iwascomfortablesitting
onmybikeanddidn’twanttogetuptowalktothetrashcantothrowoutmyapple
core.Itwasagoodtoss,farenoughthatifyoudidn’tmakeityouwouldlooklikeajerk
forattemptingsuchalongshot.Ithrewitanditlandedinthetrashcanwithabang.I
looked around to see if anyone witnessed my superhuman ability. No one noticed. I
smiledtomyselfasIfiredupthebikeandcruisedaway.

Ihadpassedthisexitcountlesstimes.Itwasstrangepullingoffthehighwayhere.

ThislittlestretchalwaysseemedmorelikeareferencepointtellingmeIwashalfway
home from work rather than somewhere you actually stopped. It never really
occurredtomethatpeoplelivedhere.

Theairsmelledlikepollenandhorses.Idroveslowlybecausethickmudhadfallen

offatractor’stireandhaddriedintolittleobstacles.Houseswereextremelyfarapart,
each house had a barn behind it. Most seemed like small operations, perhaps
somethingtheownersdidforpleasureratherthanprofit.Therewereafewlargefarms
that had heavy equipment and large silos. It looked like people had a nice life in
Princeville.IwonderedwhyIneverconsidereditbefore.

A red barn sat on top of a grassy hill. The property was outlined with a rough

wooden fence; a few of the horizontal beams had fallen over making it look like a
painting.Therewasaforestofcherrytreestothesideofthesmallfarmhouse.Itwasa
beautiful gray-stone home, the front wooden door was painted red, and was large,
heavy,andsolid.Theeveningsundancedoffapondthatcouldbeseenthroughmaples
atthebackoftheproperty.

Iknockedontheimpressivedoor,thoughtofmyscreendoor,andpromisedmyself

Iwouldreplaceit.Thewholearealookedlikeafairytale.Ifeltlikeavillainridinginon
myloudbikeinsuchapeacefulplace,andmaybeIwas.

Adogansweredmewithahowl.Ilovedogs,butIwishedhewouldshutthefuck

up. I took a few steps back and tried to look cool with one foot on the step. I was
nervous,itfeltgoodtobenervous.

“Youfoundit!”Leahlookedstunninginthissetting.Sheturnedherattentiontothe

dog.“Carl,gotoyourbed,”shesaidinafirmvoice.Thelittleterriermuttobeyedand
scurriedoff,shelookedbackatme.

“Yourdog’snameisCarl?”
“HotCarl,butIcallhimCarlforshort.”
Wesharedalaugh.
“Welcometomyhome.”sheleftthedooropenandwalkedinshoutingsoIcould

hearher.“Hopeyou’rehungry.”

Isteppedintotheoldbeautifulhome,thewallswerethickandtheceilingwaslow

withexposedbeams.Itwasafairlyopenconceptforahouseofitsage,thekitchenhad
awoodstovethatlookedheavyandancient.Icouldtelltherewasafireburninginit
becausesteamwasrisingfromakettlesittingontop.Therewasaslowcookeronthe
counter that contributed a delightful smell to the room. These walls had absorbed
countlessscenes,thishousehadgoodmemories,thishomefeltgood.

Leahhadherbacktome,shewasinthesameclothessheworeatthemarket,savea

tiredsweater.Itwashighenoughthatitdidn’tcoverthecurveofherassinthosejeans.
Shepouredthewaterfromthesteamingkettleintotwocups.Ican’trememberthelast
time I had something other than alcohol to drink in the evening. Everything about
today had been unusual for me. I felt myself staring as I thought about bending her
overthecounter.Ishookitoffandtookadeepbreath.

“Thisisabeautifulhome,”IsaidasIputthebottleofwineonthecounter.
Leah put the cup of tea on the small island between us. “Thanks,” she said with a

curioussmile,slowlysippingthehottea.

I matched her expression and sipped the tea she had given me. Steam danced

around my face as I blew across the surface to cool it down. It was hot where my
knuckles touched the cup and had a strong smell of mint. We said nothing for a
moment,justlookedateachotherwithourteacupsatourlips.Itwasnice,justlooking
atherandherlookingback,sharingasmile.HersmilebrokeintolaughterandIjoined
inasthemomentwentslightlytoolongandbegantofeelsilly.

“I am sore; I haven’t worked that hard in years,” I said rotating my shoulder. “So,

youworkallweekandtakecareofthisfarmyourself?”

“I was raised here, by my aunt. She passed away a couple of years ago. She was

more like a friend than an aunt or mother. We lived here together, and I have been
keepingtheplaceupaloneeversince.”

“I’msorry.”
“Shewassickforalongtime;Iamatpeacewithitnow.”Leahputherteadownand

turnedherattentiontotheslowcooker.“Ifeellikesheismyguardianangelnow.”

Shedishedtheroastintotwobowlsandwesatattheislandtoeat.“Doyouhaveone

ofthose?”Sheasked.

“Aguardianangel?”Iquestioned.
“Yeah.” She laughed lightly. Clearly, she was just trying to put the focus on me

ratherthanher.

“Ipicturemyguardianangelsittinginthecornerpaintinghernailsandrollingher

eyes,”Ianswered.

We shared a laugh and the mood was light, the food warmed me up. When we

finished, Leah took the dishes to the sink and ran the water. She had her back to me
again,herbodytauntedme.Hersweaterwascutwideandherhairwaslooselytideup,
exposing part of her neck and back. She pushed strands of hair away from her face
withherarm,avoidingherwetsoapyhands.

“Weneedmusic,”shesaidwithoutturningaround.“Thereisarecordplayerinthe

corner,couldyouputsomethingon?”

IrifledthroughtherecordsandmadeaquickdecisionwhenIsawMassiveAttack.I

balanced my attention between Leah and the record player, the music came from
speakershiddenbehindfurniture,andfilledtheroomwithagentlepulse.Thesightof
Leah’snaturalbeautywasimpossibletoignore,IhadbeenfightingwithmyselfsinceI
arrived, but I was losing the battle. She turned her head just enough to see me. She
knew I had been watching her, her sensual movements were not an accident. She
smiledandreturnedtodoingthedishes.

Iwalkeduptoherandmyheartquickenedwitheachstep.Leah,inthissetting,had

adifferentkindofbeautyIamnotsureIhadexperiencedbefore.Therewasnothing
swimminginmymindbuther,Iwaslostinthismoment.Iwaslosingthisbattleofself-
controlandshewasbecominganobject,IwashardandIwasbecomingobsessedwith
penetratingher.

“Doyouwantahand?”Iasked.Iwascloseenoughtosmellherhair.
She stiffened. “Jack, what are you up to?” her voice was slightly nervous but

inviting.

Leahpretendedtowashdishes,whileImovedincloserstill.Ipushedmybodyinto

hers,Iwassohardtherewaspain,mycockwasthrobbinginmyjeans.Igentlypushed
against her ass, I felt like my cock could break through my jeans and hers, and be
forced inside of her. There I stood, breathing her in. Leah pushed back into me. As I
kissedherneckIlookeddownandwatchedherbreastsriseandfallwitheachbreath.
Herivoryskincontrastedwithherblackbra.Iwasbeinggentle,butIdidn’twanttobe
gentlewithher.Iwantedtospreadherapart.ShewasabeautifulobjectthatIneeded
tofuck.Ifeltmyholdonherhipstighten,Ipushedherbackintome,hard.Therewasa
part of me that hoped my firm hold wasn’t hurting her. What she did next surprised
me.

CHAPTER7

eahputherhandbehindher,wedgingherhandbetweenusasiftobreakusapart.

Shefeltmyharddick,andstillwithherbacktome,sherubbedmycockthroughthe
contoursofmyjeans.Timetobendyouover,timetoripoffthosefuckingjeans.Itistime
tobendyouoverthiscounterandfuckyouhardanddeepandreleaseallIhaveinside
you.

Myplanwouldhavetowait,Leahturnedaroundandfelltoherknees.
“Letmesuckit,”shewhisperedlikeitwasasecret.
“Takeitout,”Itoldher.
IknewitwouldbefasterformejusttowhipitoutmyselfbutIwantedtowatchher.

I wanted her to obey me. I needed to fuck her but that would have to wait, it was
obviousshehadbeenthinkingofsuckingmycockandthatwasexactlywhatshewas
goingtodo.Ileanedbackagainsttheislandandlookeddownather,shelookedback.

Slowly,sheunzippedme.
Hereyesstayedonmineassheunbuttonedmyjeans,pulleddownmyboxers,and

mycocksprangout.Leahdidnothing,hereyesstayedonmine.Mycockwasbouncing
upanddownwitheachheartbeat,nexttoherface.Herlackofactionwasmaddening.
Hereyesstayedonmineandshemovedsomycockwastouchinghercheek.Sheheld
my thighs and slowly licked from base to tip, never breaking her stare. It took
everythinginmenottograbthebackofherheadandthrustmydickdownherthroat.

Hereyesfinallyleftmineandfocusedonmycock,itwasherprize,herplaything,

herdessert.Shelookedhungryandeager.Sheopenedhermouthwidewithhertongue
slightlyout.Itrembled,holdingbackmyurgetopushforwardintoheropenmouth.So
very slowly my cock began to disappear into her mouth, her hot wet mouth that
begged to be filled with my cum, but not just yet. The head of my cock was in her
mouthandsheslidfurtherdown,hereyesclosedtight;thiswassomethingsheneeded,
sheneededajuicy,hardcockinhermouthandIwasgivingittoher.Shewasasdeep
asshecouldgo,Ifelttheheadofmycockpushagainstthebackofherthroat.Sheheld
meinhermouth,ifIallowedmyselfIcouldhaveshotmyhotcumdownherthroat,
butIstillwasabletoresist.Ifelthertonguemovearound,tastingmyflesh,herhand
pulled down my pants so my balls were free. She ever so slowly pulled back and
stopped so only my head was in her warm mouth. Her lips stayed tight, her tongue
whippedaroundplayfully.Thenbackdownshewent,slidinghermouthupanddown
myshaft,slow,wet,andperfect.Finally,shegrabbedthebaseofmydickandstartedto
jerkmeoff,suckingdesperatelyontheheadofmycock,drinkingawaywhatIcouldn’t

holdback.Shetookmycockoutofhermouthand,lookingupatme,pointedmywet
cockintoheropenmouth.Adevilishsmileformedonherface.

“Iwantyoutocum,Jack.Iwantyoutocuminmymouth,canyoudothatforme?”
She hadn’t stopped jerking me off, it took everything I had not to explode. She

pushed my dick against my stomach and rubbed it with the cup of her hand, up and
down,upanddown.Sheputmyballsinhermouth,lickeddeep,hard,andcareless.

“IknowyouwantmetobeyourwhoreJack.”
She suddenly looked up at me like I did something wrong, something in her

expressionchanged.

“IsthatwhatIamtoyouJack?”
Shelookedangry,Iwasarousedandsurprisedbyhersuddenchangeindemeanor,

slightlyunsureofwhatgameshewasplaying.

She put my cock back in her mouth forcefully, pushing me back into the island. I

thinkmydearLeahlikedtoplaydirty.AlthoughIneededtobendheroverandcumin
her,Ilikedthisgameshewasplaying.Iwasfullofcumthatwastryingtoescape,andI
couldnotholditbackmuchlonger.

“Icanbeyourwhore,Jack.”
“Areyougoingtobemylittlecocksucker,Leah?”
Iheardtheword‘yes’mumbledaroundamouthfulofcock,herfacewetfromspit.
“GiveittomeJack.”
Shewassuckingsohardanddeep,Itriedtopullherupbutsheseemeddruggedand

obsessed.

“Iwanttofuck,”Idemanded.
“JustgiveittomeJack.”
Itwasabattle,shewantedmycumandIwastryingdesperatelytosaveit.Thiswas

abattleshewasdestinedtowin.

“Youwantit,youlittleslut?”
Ifellbackslightlyfromtheforceofherfaceslammingintome,knockingabasketof

cherries to the floor. Her hand was a blur, jerking me off quickly; she was licking,
sucking,pumpingoutpre-cumandlappingitup.

“Youfuckingwantmycum,youlittleslut!”Iwasyellingather.
I felt my body tense, I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I grabbed her hair and

fucked her face, the need to cum was painful, and it was finally time to have my
release.Shepulledaway,overwhelmedbymyaggressivethrusts.

“Stickoutyourtongueyoulittlewhore.”
Sheobeyed,Iletherjerkmeoff.
“Comeonbaby,giveittome,”shebegged.
“Mmm,youwantmycum,”Imoaned.
“Giveittome.”
Spasmsovertookeverymuscleinmybodyandalltheenergyfloodedoutthrough

mycock.Ilookeddownatherbeautifulface.Iwatchedmyhotcumshootoutofmy
cockandlandonhertongueandlips.Icamehardandstrong,knockingmorethingsoff
theislandandgroaninginecstasy.

“Oh,Jack.”
“Doyoulikethat?”

“Oh,Jack!”
“Isthatwhatyouwanted?”
She jerked me off perfectly, licking everything she could squeeze out. Feelings of

peace washed over me as I watched her cleaning me off with her tongue. The music
hadstoppedandthesoundofvinylcrackledfromthespeakers.

“Thatwasfun,”shesaid,giggling.
I was confused, I didn’t expect that. She had completely changed character again;

she was back to her normal self like she flicked a switch. She stood up playfully,
squeezedmycockandgavemeawink.

“SometimesIliketobebad.”
Andwiththat,sheturnedaroundandreturnedtothedishes.Igotmyselftogether

andtriedtomakesenseofwhatjusthappened.WhywasIjustyellingatthisbeautiful
youngwoman,whomIwassotakenby?IpickedupthethingsonthefloorthatIhad
knockedover.WhywasIcallingherawhore?IknewitwasjustagamebutIfeltsome
guilt.Leahturnedandlookedatmeandgaveagirlishgiggle.MydearLeah,Isuspect
youmaysufferfromthesameafflictionasI.

Leahdriedherhandsandpouredtwoglassesofredwine,smilingtoherselfasshe

puttheglasstoherlips.Iwasturningovertherecord.Ifeltgood,thishousefeltgood.

“Ihavetofeedthehorses,”Leahsaidassheputdownheremptyglass.
Shewalkedbymetowardthedoorandgrazedmyhandwithherswhenshepassed.

“Comeon.”

When she opened the door, the dog came from nowhere and bolted outside. I

followedhertotheredbarn,aswewalkedmotionlightsturnedonandlitourpath.I
thought about asking some of the standard questions you ask when you’re getting to
know someone, but it really didn’t matter. I didn’t know her last name, if she had
siblings, where she went to school—I would find all that out in good time. It didn’t
reallymatter;IwasgettingtoknowLeahinadifferentwaythisevening.

The barn had three stalls, one was empty. Two large black horses had their heads

towardus.

“Hi girls.” Leah spoke to them while petting their faces. She went back and forth

fromonetotheotherwhiletheycompetedforheraffection.Ijoinedherandpetoneof
thehorses.

“Whataretheirnames?”Iasked.
“ThelmaandLouise,”sheanswered.
Ilaughed.
“Myauntnamedthem.”
“Helloladies,”IsaidtoThelmaandLouise.ThedogwasdartingaroundinThelma’s

stallandIwasconcernedhewouldgetsteppedon,butheseemedtobedoingO.K.

“Horses,garden,fulltimejobintown,famer’smarket—youareanimpressivelady,

Leah.”

“Andchickens!CluckyandPecky-Sue.”
“HotCarl,Thelma,Louise,Clucky,andPecky-Sue...gotit.”
“NowyoucanseewhyIdon’tgotoMadeline’sveryoften.”Thevolumeofhervoice

raisedwhenshesaidMadeline’s.Leahhadoneleguponaledgewhileshebentover
andscoopeduphorsefeedintoabucket.Withherbacktome,Iwatchedasherjeans

tightenedaroundherperfectly.Mycockwasstillwetfromhermouth,butIcouldfeel
it in my jeans, waking from its short rest. Leah portioned out the feed in buckets
hangingfromthehorse’sstalls.

“WhatwasinthatroomJack?Theroomwithnoname.”
“Ireallydon’tknow,anythingcanhappenthere.”
“Itsoundedliketherewasalotofmen,therewasawomanscreaming.”
“Yes,thatwouldbetypical.”
“So, Madeline’s is a sex club, and all those different rooms have different themes.

WhatisthethemefortheLondonRoom?”

“Notheme,it’saplacewherenoonewillbotheryou,noonecanbetherewithout

permission. It’s a place where you have complete control, and a good room to
introduceaninnocentnewcomerlikeyourself.”

“I’mnotsoinnocentJack,andIdon’talwaysliketobeincontrol,”Leahsaidasshe

steppedclosertome.

“Iambeginningtoseethat.”
“HowdoyouwantmeJack?Iseeyoulookatmyasseverychanceyouhave.”Leah

unzippedhertornjeans,andbegantoshimmythemdownoverhercurves,exposing
herwhiteflesh.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”

Mycockwasrespondingtohertaunts,hardandready.Itookastepcloser.Quickly,

shepulledupherpantsandgiggled.

“Youthinkyoucanjustbendmeoverhereinthebarnlikeadirtylittlefarmgirl?”

Leahwavedherfingerslowlysidetosideasshescoldedme.

“Yes,Ido.”Icrossedovertomydarkplace.MycockwasaweaponandIneededto

stab her wet cunt with it. Leah held her pants closed and walked back as I walked
forward.Thishadbeenfun,butI’dhadenough.

“WhatisityouwantJack;youwanttofuckmyass,isthatit?”Leahhadanaccusing

tone.

Igrabbedhersmallframeandforcedheraround,shemadeaweakattempttokeep

herjeansupbutIgotthemdownwithlittletrouble.Igrabbedthebackofherneckand
forcedheroversomehaybales.Shewasbreathingheavyandstruggling,butIjustheld
her there for a moment with the weight of my body. I could have forced my cock
insideherrightthen,butIjustpinnedherthereandletthetipofmycocksitjustbarley
insideherhot,wetpussy.Godherpussywashot.Shewasfightingmebutherpussy
beggedmetopushinside.

“No,”shesaidwithherweakstruggles.
“Maybeyouareadirtylittlefarmgirl.Icanfeelyourpussy;Iknowyouwantit.”
I reached around and grabbed her wet, throbbing cunt with my hand and held it

tight.Squeezingherswollen,wet,lipsbetweenmyfingers.

“No,”shesaid.
“Tell me to fuck you.” My cock stayed on the edge of being inside; my hand held,

squeezed,pulled,andpushedherlips.

“Fuckme,”Icouldbarelyhearher.
“Fuckme,Jack,”shesaid,thistimealittlelouder.
Finally,Iletgo.Ididnothing,Isimplyallowedmycocktogowhereitneededtobe.

Iwasstillpinningheragainstthehaybales,myfacenexttohers,mycockdeepinside

her.Hersoftasspushedagainstme.Ididn’tpullout,Ipushedhardintoher.

“Fuckme.”
Iraisedmybodyawayfromher,therewasnomoreneedtokeepherpinned;that

song and dance had passed. I held her hips that were arched up for my taking and
began to thrust into her, hard and deliberate. I slammed into her, making a slapping
noise when we made contact. Her body shot forward into the hay bale with every
thrust,amoanthatwasamixofpleasureandpainpouredoutofher.Iheldhertight,
thesmallofherbackpooledwithsweat.Ipulledoutslowandslammedbackin,with
everythrustLeahbecamemoreandmoreofanobjecttome.Shewassomethingthat
wouldmakemecum.Inmyhead,Icalledmyself“pig”witheverythrust.

My motion became more and more fluid, Leah raised her head and whipped her

hairback,pointedherchintotheroof.AmomentumhadbuiltandInolongerwasin
controlofmymovements,Ijustallowedittohappen.Fast,hard,andevil,Ifuckedmy
prey.Herconstantmoansvibratedinreactiontomytantrum.

Itfeltlikeslowmotion.Ilookeddownatherassthatwasvibratingandredfrommy

abuse. A bead of sweat fell from my nose and onto her back. I had completely lost
control,Iwasademon,apredator,somethingterribleanddangerous.Herass,itwas
builtforsex,softandroundandmadetotakeapounding.Ifixatedonit,Ihookedmy
thumbsandspreadhercheekswide.

“Tearmeapart,”shemoaned.
I pulled her cheeks as wide as they could go. I had shifted gears and was more in

control of my movements. She was so exposed, dripping wet, red, and perfect. I
stabbed her red cunt, watching with delight. I completely pulled out and jammed it
back in. A few times I missed and my cock stumbled around her stretched out lips,
grazingherlittlebuttonofanass.IsensedshelikeitwhenItouchedherthere.Iletmy
thumbslightlypushintoherassasIfuckedherslowandhard.Shelikedthis,Icould
feelit.Sheburiedherheaddownintothehayandhertonechanged.Ifeltherplaying
withherclit;mydearLeahareyougoingtocum?Ithoughttomyself.

“Don’tstop!”shegasped.
Ifuckedherhardandletmythumbgodeeperanddeeper.
Ihadbeenenjoyingthestruggleofholdingbackmyorgasm,butIknewIcouldnot

holdonmuchlonger.Itookinthemoment.Thesmellofthebarn,thesoundsofthe
horsesbesideus.Thiswasdirtysexinabarn;Iliveforthesemoments.

“Mmmm.”Leahwasthrashingherownclit.Ifuckedherhardandmythumbhad

disappearedentirelyintoherass.Pig,Irepeatedtomyself.

“Mmmm.”Shewassowet,shefuckedmeback,slammingintome,thrashing.She

grabbedawoodenledgetosupportherself.EverythingwassointenseandIcouldnot
holdbackanylonger.

“I’mgoingtocuminsideyou.”
Ipoundedherlikethedirtylittlefarmgirlshewas,Iletoutagroanandshotinto

her.Sherespondedasifshecouldfeelit.IletmycockexitslightlyandIsawmyhot
cum being shot onto her lips and inside her thighs. I felt another wave coming, so I
pulledoutandjerkeditoffontothebuttonofherass;whitecumdrippeddownfrom
thecrackofherasstohercunt.Shelookedsobeautifullikethis,drenchedinmycum.I
felltoaseatedpositionnexttoher,wewerebothoutofbreathandfilthy.Ourchests

roseandfell,haystucktooursweatybodies.Wesmiledandlookedateachother,that
wasdamnnearperfectandwebothknewit.

“Com’oncowboy,Ihaveanoutdoorshower,let’sgetyoucleanedup.”
Leahwascompletelynaked,andsowasI.Shestoodup,collectedherclothes,and

piled them on a ledge. Walking over to the horses she gave them some attention,
pettingtheirfaces.Shelookedbeautiful,standingnakedinthisbarn.Isatthere,onthe
dirty floor, and took in the beautiful moment. When I stood up, she motioned me to
followher.

Webothwalkedoutofthebarnnakedasthedaywewereborn,mybigheavycock

hunginfrontofme.Wejustfuckedonahaybale;weweretrulyfilthy.Iloveditbut
the hay was getting itchy and a shower was welcomed. We walked beyond the light
that the barn was giving off, across the yard were the moon was the only light. Leah
turnedontheshowerandstoodback.Istoodclosetoher.Sheturnedaroundandour
facesmet,shelaughedforreasonsIcouldnotplace.Ithinkshewasjusthappy,maybe
amused that we were naked in her yard together. She took some hay out of my hair
andthrewitawayandwesharedsomelightlaughter.Shelookedsonaturalthisway.
Wefeltliketheanimalsweareandrarelyallowourselvestobe.Westoodnexttothe
streamofwater,butnotyetinit.Herfacewasflushed,herlipslookedfullandIkissed
her. Our dirty naked bodies pressed together and our mouths locked. She felt like
heaven, kissed me back perfectly. There was steam billowing from the water as it
pouredonthestonesurface.

“Comeon.”
She pulled me into the stream. It was hot, almost too hot at first but I quickly got

usedtoit.Iputmyheadinthestreamandpushedmywethairback.Leahwastakinga
barofsoaphangingfromaropeandlathereditinherhand.

“Getinhere,”Isuggestedandpulledherin.Shegaveasoundofcalmpleasureand

stoodinthehotwaterforamoment.Thenshebegantowashmybackandshoulders
withthesoap.ThiswasasweetmomentandIlovedit.Ilookedaroundandtookitall
in. This area was private; I was confident no one could see us. Although it was
extremely open, save a few fruit trees. You could see as far as the moonlight would
allow.

TherewasalargeflatrocknexttousthatLeahsatonandbeganrubbingmycock

with the soap. It felt amazing, I didn’t get completely hard because I had just given
everythingIhad,butitstillfeltgood.Hersoapyhandsdidn’tmissanything,shelooked
upatmeandgiggled.Sheputmysemi-hardcocknexttoherfaceandcommentedthat
itwasbiggerthanherforearm.Sheranhersoapyhandsupmystomachandchestand
stood up. I thought to myself that this was the reason I spent so much time over the
yearsgoingtothegym.Wekissedagain.Itookthesoapandbegantowashherbutshe
tookitbackfromme.

“Ihavetowashmyhairnowthatit’swet,canyougoinsideandmakesurethefire

doesn’tgoout?”Sheheldontomylargecockasiftokeepmeinplacewhileshewas
speaking,thenletgowhenshewasfinishedsoIcouldgodothechoresherequested.

Iwalkedbacktothehouse,thegrasscoolundermyfeet.Irealizedthiswasnotthe

perfectplansincemyclotheswerestillinthedirtybarn,andIdidn’twanttogoback
therewhileIwaswet.Ijustwalkedintothehousenakedandfoundatowel.Iputsome

woodonthefireandIsatonthecouchandrested.Beforelong,shecamein,wetand
naked.Shedisappeareddownthehallandcamebackwithalargequiltblanketanda
towelaroundher.Beforelongthelightswereoffandwewerewrappedupinthatbig
heavy blanket, lying naked together on the deep couch. I thought of my cottage as I
alwaysdobeforefallingasleepanddriftedoffwithasmileonmyface.Thiswasahell
ofaweekend,damnnearperfect.

CHAPTER8

wokeupthatmorningspooningLeahonhercouch,IwashappyuntilIrealizeditwas

Monday.IfoundmyphonetocheckthetimeandwassureIwouldbelate,butthen
realized I was actually closer to work than if I were home and I could make it if I
hurried.Iwenttothebarninmytowel,gotdressed,andreturnedtothehousetogive
myfarewell.

“Thankyou,”IwhisperedtoLeahsleepingonthecouch.
She smiled in response but she didn’t open her eyes, I grazed my fingers through

herhairandoffIwent.

WhenIarrivedattheoffice,HeathercommentedthatIsmelledlikeabarn.Heather

worksforme;wehaveacomplexrelationshipthatdoesn’tneedtobediscussed.

Itwasatryingweek;everyonearoundmeseemedtobeinadarkplace,andIwas

counting down the minutes until I could see Leah again. We had exchanged texts
throughouttheweek,somethingIalmostneverdo.Leahwasgettingundermyskin;I
hadn’tfeltthiswayaboutawomanbefore.WhenIfirstmether,Ineverwouldhave
guessedshewassosexuallycharged,Ineverwouldhaveguessedshehadadarkside.I
wanted to know more about her and, just from our weekend, I could have gotten to
knowherbetterthansomeoneshehadknownforyears.Couldthisbewhatintimacy
is?

ReachingpeopleonthislevelisbasicallyallIhaveeverdone,butthiswasdifferent.

Leah was different. As the week went by, if I saw something nice, I wished she was
theretoshareitwithme.IfIdidsomethinggood,Iwishedshewastheretowitnessit.I
wantedtoimpressher,IwantedtosharesomethingofmyselfwithherIdidn’trealizeI
had.

Fridayfinallyarrivedandmyworkweekwasover.Onmywayhome,Idrovepast

herexitlikeIhadeveryday,andeachtimemytruckwantedtopulloffthehighway,
but I stayed my course. I blew smoke out the window from the cigar that was half
finished and let my mind wonder. What will happen next? Leah had been full of
surprisesandIsuspectedthereweremoretocome.

CHAPTER9

ehavehadthesamerehearsalspaceforyears,justontheedgeoftown.Iheaded

that way, but unfortunately, I had to take my truck because I was bringing a new
guitar. Sometimes packages arrive at my house and I have no idea what they are.
These packages are the result of drinking alone; this had become a slight problem—
online shopping, not the drinking. It is a little game I play with myself; I open these
packages, hung over and bewildered. What did I buy for myself? It’s like Christmas
morning.SometimesIamhappyandgivemyselfapatontheback.MostofthetimeI
am left confused as to why I bought such a thing. Did you know there is a robotic
vacuum?Itshouldbeconsideredhazardousforpeoplewhodrinkalonetohaveoneof
thosedamnmachines.Iwillforeverwalkwithalimpduetoalate-nighttangle.

WhenIarrivedhomefromworktoday,apackagewaswaitingforme;thistimeit

wasaguitar.Shewaspretty.InoticedthatIdon’talwayshavethebestoftastewhen
late-night shopping but this time I nailed it. It was a Gibson es-335, if you were
interested.Ididn’tthinktogetacasewithitsoitsatnexttomeinthetruck.

The rehearsal space had become something of a boy’s club; sometimes we got

togetherandbarelyplayedanote.Itwasanescapeforallofus.Atonetime,itlooked
liketheaftermathofafratparty,butovertheyearswehavechangedandsohasour
little club house. We keep adding to the room—a pool table, nice couches, pinball
machine,humidorforcigars,winerack.Thespacealoneisimpressive,itlooksoverthe
river and down onto Bonneville. It is a large industrial space with very high ceilings.
Sometimesatnight,thelightsofBonnevilleareenoughtolighttheroomthroughthe
largewindow,evenfromacrosstheriver.

Mostofthesurroundingareaisabandoned—thestreetsfilledwithbrokenwomen

that break your heart. Anytime you see a car, you can be almost certain there is a
demon driving it. I pulled my truck into the garage we had out back, and the door
closedbehindme.IparkedbetweenRob’sandGregg’scars.Weareonthesecondfloor;
themainlevelisameatpackingplant.Wehaveagoodrelationshipwiththem.Infact,
werarelyseethembecausewedon’tusethespaceduringtheday.Thestairwaythat
leadstoourspaceislinedwithhooks,cleavers,andchains.Youwouldswearyouwere
walking into a torture chamber. I pushed open the large, heavy, metal door, and felt
theweightofthisweekliftoffmyshoulders.ItwasfinallyFridayandIwaswithmy
friendsinmyfavoritespot.

“Jack!”everyonegreetedme,shoutingmynameinunison.
“Boys!”Ishoutedbackandrestedmynewguitaronastand,thenwentdirectlyto

thebarGregghadbuiltinthecornerofthelargeroom.

AsIpouredJamesonintomyglassIsurveyedtheroom.IwasonlyexpectingRob,

Gregg,andmaybeahandfulofpalsbuttherewereunfamiliarfacesallaround.Icould
feel the presence of cocaine even though I couldn’t see it. Rob came over to where I
wasandgreetedmewarmly.

“So,IwastalkingtoFranky,whatdoyouthinkaboutthefestival?”Rob’sjawrolled

around and his mind was visibly racing. There is something about cocaine that turns
everyoneintoaself-involveddickhead.

“I’m game if you guys are. I was planning on being in Galliano at my cottage

anyway.”

Ifeltmyphonevibrateinmypocketbutignoreditforthemoment.
“Gregg’sintoo.Hisin-lawsarestayingathisplacethatweekendsohewantstoget

outofdodge.”

“Howbigisthisthinggonnabe?”Iasked.
“Big—70,000peopleareexpected.”
“Jesus.”
“Right!?”
“That’sbig.Iamsuretheywillputusonearly,inthe‘hasbeen’timeslot.”
“Speakforyourself,willya?”
Rob’scocaine-addledmindcouldnotfocusonthisdiscussionanylonger;clearly,he

wasdueforanotherline,andbasedonhisglancestothevampsittingonthecouch,I
assumedthatshehadtheblast.Ifuckedaroundwithcokeinmyearlytwenties,butit
gotold.Watchingthesuncomeupwhileinashakycoldsweatisn’tfun.Inevercould
letitgoonceIgotintoit.Icouldgoyearswithouttouchingthestuff,butoneline,and
fangsstillcomeout;IwoulddolineafterlineuntilitwasallIcouldtasteinthebackof
mythroatandIwasavibratingmess.Iknowbetternow;Ipreferthetasteofpussyon
mytonguethancocaineinmythroat.Robhoveredovertothesultrystrangerthathad
whathewanted.Iwantedsomethingverydifferent.

Iwasnotexpectingsuchacrowdhere.Infact,Iwashopingtohavea‘showandtell’

withmynewguitarandhaveafewdrinkswiththeboys.Maybejamalittle,butwhen
cokeentersthepicture,it’sgameover.Thewholenightbecomescenteredaroundthe
drug.ThereweresomewomenIdidnotrecognize,theymustallhavebeenapartof
thesamegroup.Theyallsharedthesamestyleandseemedcomfortablearoundeach
other.Theywereattractiveandyoung.Theyhadonsomuchperfumethatitwasall
youcouldtasteifyoulickedtheirskin.Theirfacesshonewithmakeupthatseemedto
stifletheirexpressions.

Whattheydidnotrealizeisthatperfumecoversuptheiruniquesmell,themakeup

coversthesubtlethingsthatmakethemuniqueandsexy.Iamoftenattractedtothe
girlintheroomthatseemsquiteaverageatfirstglance,thenyoutalktothemandall
thesethingsseemtosurface.Liketheytalkoutofthecorneroftheirmouth,haveteeth
thataren’tperfectbutsomehowmakethemsexier,orhavetinyfeet—alllittlethings
thatcansomehowmakeagirlsexy.Thewaytheylaughthathintsatwhattheysound
like when they cum. If I was ever at a photo shoot with bikini-clad giggling girls, I
wouldprobablybemoredrawntotheplaingirlbehindthecamerayellingordersatthe
models.

Itcomesdowntoeyes.It’sallabouthowsomeonelooksatyou,iftheyinviteyouin

ortellyoutofuckoff.

Theeyesofthegirlsinthisroomaskyoutogivethemsomesignthatyoufindthem

attractivesotheycanmoveontothenextvalidator.

WhenitcomestomeetingwomenthatIhavechemistrywith,italwaysgoesinone

two directions. It either feels like I am making a friend or it is something more
animalistic.Iappreciateboth,butIpreferthelatter;wearejustanimalsafterall.

They take so much time getting dolled up, these modern vamps, all they want is

somekindofvalidation.Mostoftheirattentionisontheirphones.Theycreatethese
bullshitlittleposesandtakepicturesofthemselves,theninstantlysendthepicturesout
ontheworld-widewebtobefurthervalidated.Thepeopleinthisroomarenotenough,
theyneedtheentireworldtoconstantlytellthemtheyarepretty.

No,theyarenotmytypeatall.IknewifIstuckaroundtheywouldbealloverme,

notbecausetheywantedme,theywouldjustpickuponthefactthatIdidn’tcareabout
them, and they would feel the need to win me over. Rejection breeds obsession.
Meanwhile, there was a room full of decent enough fellas that would treat them like
goldthatwouldbeignored.Myphonewasvibratinginmypocketagain.Ihadahabit
ofnotcheckingmyphonefordaysbutIhadafeelingthatitwasLeah.BeforeIcould
lookatthemessage,GreggcameovertothebarwhereIstood.

“Heyman.”
“Heypal.”
GreggveryrarelydidcocaineandIcouldtellhehadn’ttonight.Hewasnoangelbut

hewasafamilymanandseemedtopickandchoosewhenhewouldletloose.Whenhe
did,thingsusuallygotnuts.

“AlisonhasherbestfriendoversoI’mhiding.”
I was pouring beer into a glass as he spoke. I handed it to him and he accepted,

batting his eyes like a kid in a candy store. Gregg is a good guy with endless strange
idiosyncrasiesthatmakeshimatrueindividual.

“Wheredidallthegalscomefrom?”Iasked.
“Robhassomekindofonlinething.”Greggpulledhisear,tiltedhishead,andraised

hiseyebrows.Heseemedtobeabletoconveytenemotionsatoncewithhisstrange
body language, but there was always an underlining ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe with
him.

“Interesting,”Ireplied.
We watched as girls took turns sitting on the drums and posing for pictures. They

would instantly upload them to something and laugh at the comments that would
comein.

“Ilikethenewguitar.”
“Thankyou,Iwashopingtoplayittonight,butitcanwait.”
Ipouredabeerformyselfandraisedaglasstomyoldfriend.
“ToGallianoandasummertoremember,”Greggsaid.
Idrankmostofwhatwasintheglassandletmymindgoforamoment.Ithought

aboutthefestival.Itmademenervousandexcited.Mydaydreamwasbrokenasmy
eyes focused on two girls kissing on the couch. It’s always a sensual thing when two
girlskiss,notalwayserotic,butthistimeitwas.Myphonevibratedinmypocketagain.

Ilookedatmyphone;itwasasingletextmessage.Iguessitjustkeptonvibratingto

letmeknowIhadn’tcheckedit.Infact,itwasasingleword.

Madeline’s?
It was from Leah, something changed in me. The message woke me up, I stood a

littletallerandbegantothinkalittlefaster.Iresponded.

Icanpickyouupin30min?
I’malreadyhere
Iwasn’texpectingthat.Iimaginedwhatshewasdoingthere,whoshewaswith.I

alwaysavoidawkwardconversationsviatextmessages.Keptitcleanandsimple.

Okseeyousoon
IpressedsendandgaveafarewelltoGregg.IpattedRobontheshoulderontheway

out. It wasn’t often that this many people crowded our rehearsal space. I can’t say I
likedit,butIhavelearnedit’sbesttoletthingsgo.Thewallsofthatroomhavesoaked
upsomuchevilyoucouldsmellitonyourclotheswhenyouleft.Itwasasinfulplace,
butthatlittlefortressservedapurpose,andIamhappytohaveit.

Iracedoutoftheindustrialslumandtothebridge.ThereareafewwideturnsthatI

habituallydriftaround,leavingacloudofsmokeandrubberbehindme.Ihavedoneit
so many times I know exactly when to hit the gas and when to lay off, it made me
smileeverytime.Themusicwasloudinmyspeakers;Ilovedrivingaloneandblasting
musicwhennooneisaround.IwasobsessingoverLeahasIgotclosertoMadeline’s,
whatwasshedoingoverthere?NowthatIwasgettingtoknowher,itwasbecoming
moreandmoreclearthatshehadadarksidethatsheneededtoexplore.

I parked the truck down the street and walked the rest of the way. I felt like an

animalonthehunt,followingascent.Iwasgoingtomydarkplace,thiscitybrought
out something in me that I can usually keep at bay. My mind was on Leah. One
momentIwantedtoholdherandkissherbeautifulface,thenextmomentIwantedto
violateher,tearherclothesoffwithoutinvitationandshovemytongueintheshadows
betweenherlegs.Slapherwhiteassandmakeitred.DearLeah,becarefulwhatyou
wishfor,Iamnotanangel.

“Jack.”
I nodded at Rex and walked on by and down the stone-walled hall. The music

poured in from the main room at the end, louder than normal. It was exceptionally
busy; it was going to be difficult to find her. I walked into the main area and was
overwhelmed by the immensity of the crowd. The band had the crowd in a trance. I
neededhighgroundtofindher,soIheadedforastairway.AsImademywaythrough,
I noticed it smelled like pussy and sweat; this really was my kind of place. I saw
Heatherinherusualmaskforamoment,shesawmetoobutwetendedtoignoreeach
otherhere.

IalmostmadeittothestairswhenIspottedLeah,butIbarelyrecognizedher.Her

hairwastieduptight,alittleorangedressbarelycoveredher.Shehadnotnoticedme
staringather.LeahwassteppingoutsideherselfandIcouldtell.Shealmostseemedto
beincostume,likeshewantedtobesomeoneelsethisevening.Attheveryleast,she
wasexploringasideofherselfsheusuallykeptburieddeep.Iapproachedherslowly,I
didn’twanttobreakthespellthatshewasunder.Shecouldbewhoevershewantedto
bewithme,I’dplay.Shewasdancingbyherself,eyesclosedandmovementsgentle.

Herorangedressstuckoutinthisseaofblack.Somethingaboutthatcoloragainsther
tanned skin made her look like a living, breathing sex toy. Leah slowly opened her
eyes, which somehow immediately met mine through the crowd. We locked gazes
fromacrosstheroom.Mychestgotwarm,Icouldseeasmileformonthecornersof
her lips. Then, she turned and walked away, disappearing into the crowd, and the
momentwasgone.Isawthedirectionsheheaded,andknewshewasheadingtothe
bar;Idoubledbackandmademywayoverandfoundherthere.

Themusicwastooloudtoattemptanyconversation;IcouldtellLeahdidn’twantto

talk anyway. Neither did I. She was facing the bartender placing an order, then she
looked over her shoulder, saw me and smiled. I leaned back against the bar and she
shuffledovertofaceme.

Shewasstilllookingupatmewithherstrikinggreeneyeswhenthebartenderput

drinksinfrontofusafewminuteslater.

“Madame,thisonewiththelimeisyours,”thebartendersaidasheputthedrinks

down.Ifounditstrangeconsideringtheywerethesamedrink.

Shepickedupaglassandofferedittome.Ihelditinmyhandandwatchedhersip

hers. She took a small sip and giggled like a child that had gotten into her parent’s
liquorcabinet.Herenthusiasmwasinfectious,soIlaughedanddrankmyentireglass.
Shematchedmychallengeanddidthesame.

WeweredrinkingSwellofcourse.Ican’tsayIneverpartook,butit’dbeenalong

time. I didn’t need anything to make me more sexually charged and my time doing
drugswasfarbehindme.MakenomistakeSwell,isapowerfuldrug.Itgetsunderyour
skinandripsoutanyinhabitationsyoumayhavehad.Likeanydrug,ithasadarkside,
butLeahneededtotrysomethingnew,andIcouldplayalong.

She handed me another, we held our sinister potions in hand and looked at each

other, sharing curious smiles. I already felt that familiar tingle in my chest, one was
usuallyplenty.Weslammedbackthesecondglass,andshehandedmeyetanother.It
didn’t take long to take hold, the music seemed to slow down and get inside me. I
becamecalmandexcitedatthesametime,mysenseofwellbeingwashigh,Iwashigh.
I could tell Leah was having a similar experience; her jaw was slightly open and she
looked around with her new eyes. She smiled and breathed in deeply through her
nose.Shelookedatme,hereyeswideandwild.Shegrabbedmyhandandpulledme
intothestirringcrowd,thiswasaverydifferentplacewhenyouhadaheadfullofthat
stuff.Iknewitwasgoingtobeanadventurethisevening,andIwasready.

ImentionedbeforethatIdon’treallydance,Istandbythisstatement,buttonight

was... an exception. Well, we will call it dancing but I am not sure what I did. I was
completelyat the mercy ofthe music around me,pouring into me and manipulating
me.Lettinggocompletelyisanunusualthingforanadult,withgoodreason—itlooks
ridiculous;Iwasridiculous.

Thedancefloorwasfulloftheusualsuspectswiththeirusualpartners.Ihadspent

manyeveningsjustwatchingthiscrewdancetheirheartsout,therewasastoryhere
andIoftenwonderedwheretheycamefrom.Theywereclearlyprofessionaldancers,
andIneversawthemupstairsintheprivaterooms.So,therewewere,LeahandI,in
themiddleofallthis,beingcompletefools.Thedrughadtakenholdandthiswashowit
begins. Leah’s body twisted and curled, she moved slowly with brief whipping

movementscontortingherbodyintonewshapes.Thesongwasunfamiliar;Ithinkit
wassomethingfromMassiveAttack.

My vision was being affected, the room pulsed and spun. I wasn’t sure if I was

flailingaroundorbarelymoving,andIdidn’tcare.Ifeltgood.Ifeltthebeginningofthe
next stage of the trip coming, the song was winding down and it helped with the
transition.SinceIhavebeendownthisroadbefore,Ifeltatingeofself-awareness.The
nextsongbeganandthelightingchanged,itperfectlymatchedwhatIwasfeeling.Our
eyes met for the first time since we started dancing. It was the kind of look that
replaced a long conversation, words were not needed, we knew what the other were
feeling. All the mad energy shifted and melted away into something else. It became
morelocalized,inthebottomofmystomach,likeasunrisingbelowmybelt,fillingmy
cockwithenergy.Allofmymusclesseemedreadytofirelikeawarriorinhisprime.
Leahwasnolongerfacingme;shewasrunningherhanddownthesweatychestofone
ofthedancerswhodidn’tseemtomind.Ifocusedonherass,Iwaslikeanaddictthat
neededafix.Therewasanurgencytothewholething,Iturnedawayfromhertotryto
cooloffbutitdidn’twork.EverywhereIlooked,IsawsomethingIwantedtodominate,
penetrate;Ineededarelease.

I felt a gentle touch on my back. Somehow, I knew it was Leah before I turned

around. We were both breathing heavy, it took everything in me not to pull out my
cock there on the dance floor. We kissed, it was like we were floating around trying
desperately to take in as much of each other as possible. My hands squeezed her ass
andpushedherintomycock.Ireachedunderherskirtfrombehindandfeltherhot
wetpussy—Ilovedthatshewasn’twearingpanties.Mywetfingerspushedintoherass
asIbitherlip.Leahwasgoingovertheedge,rubbingmycockthroughmypantsand
rubbingherself.InoticedLeah’seyeskeptdartinguptothebalcony,wheretherooms
were.Itwasdefinitelytimetogetoffthedancefloor.Wereallyshouldnothavedrunk
somuchofthatstuff.

I guided her to the stairs and ushered her up to the second level. We walked on

downthehall,IcouldseeLeah’shandwasathercrotch;Swellhadtakenafirmholdof
her.WewalkedpasttheLondonRoomtoanunmarkeddoorthatwasslightlyajar.That
told me the room was empty. I opened the door and Leah rushed in, then fell to the
floor on all fours before I could close the door. She pushed up her orange dress
exposinghernakedass.Sheviolentlymasturbatedandgaveadesperatemoan.

Ifeltcumfallingoutofmycockwitheveryheartbeat,Iwatchedasastringofher

cumfellfromhercunt,drippingontoherhands.Ifelltothefloorontoallfoursjustlike
her.Shewashavingadruginducedcum-festrightthereonthefloor.Ididn’ttouchmy
cockbecauseIknewIwouldexplode,Icrouchedbehindherandlickedherasswhile
shethrashedhercuntwithherhand.Wewereanimals,andlikeanimalstherewasan
elementofviolencetoallthis.Ipushedmytongueintoher,herhandhittingmychin
with her movements. Cum was pouring out of her so I caught it with my hand and
wiped it up the crack of her ass, leaving her skin shiny and slippery. The sounds she
madesoundedasmuchliketerrorastheydidlust,thedrughadcertainlytakenhold.I
pulledhercheekswideapartandlickedfromherpussytoherass.Leahrolledontoher
back,spreadherlegswideandback,liftingherassfarfromtheground.Shepulledher
cheeksapartforme.Iwasinpain,mycockfeltlikeitwasgoingtoexplode.AsIpushed

theheadofmycockintoherass,cumexplodedalloverher,pouringdownthecrackof
herass.Ipulledoutandcumshotoutofmycockmakingitallthewaytoherneckand
face. I buried it deeper into her ass, this time with more ease. She continued to
masturbateviolently,moaningloudly.

Usually, once I cum, I’m done for a while. Life was different with a head full of

Swell. My sex drive didn’t waver. I held onto her legs and fucked her ass. She was
curledupspittingonhercuntwhileshecontinuedtothrashandpullwithherhand.I
was going to cum again. I made my way over and fed her my balls while I finished
myselfoff.Cumfellonherface,hair,andshoulders.Shesuckedmyballsandspithung
fromherchin.Sheneverlookedsobeautiful.

Weneededtostop,Iknewweshouldstop.Isatonthefloorandlookedather,she

was touching and squeezing her breasts. The drug had an extremely strong hold on
her, she was getting carried away and could get hurt. I held her and kissed her face,
neck,andbreasts.Icouldfeelherlookaroundandnoticetheroomforthefirsttime.It
wasdank,cementandstone,hooksandchainshungfromthewall.Asmallsquarehole
afewfeetfromtheflooropenedtothenextroom.Lightpouredinfromitandflickered
withtheshadowsofsomeoneontheothersideofthewall.Theopeningwasthesizeof
a window with steel prison-like bars. Leah crawled over to it and held onto the bars.
She peered in, arching her back. Her orange dress was long gone, and I wasn’t sure
whenitvanished.Shewascompletelynaked,saveherhighheels.Sheturnedbackto
mewithanexpressionIcouldn’tplace.

“Fuckme,”shedemanded.
Iwantedherstill,shelookedbackintotheadjacentroomandIburiedmyaching

cockinsideherwarmpussy.Slowandhard,shefeltsofuckinggood.Ireachedaround
andmassagedherclitslowly.Leahreachedherhandintotheotherroom,andInoticed
whathadenticedher.Amancametohisknees,allthatcouldbeseenwashislegsand
anerectpenis.Leahreachedoutandgrabbedhiscock.Ididn’tknowwhatIshoulddo,
thiswashermomentandIdidn’twanttostopherfromactingoutthisfantasyofhers.I
am not shy, but if I had not been full of Swell I probably would have a hard time
dealingwiththisnewelement.ButsinceIwas,Icontinuedtofuckherandletherdo
whatsheneededtodo.Ifuckedherharder,reachedupandpulledhernipples.Leah
wasstrokingthestrangerscockwithherhand.Hiscockwasnowthroughthebarsand
on our side of the room. She let go and just stared at the protruding cock hanging in
frontofherfacewhileIfuckedher.Ididn’tputmuchfocusonitbutitwashardnotto
noticethelarge,veinycockafewfeetfromme.

Then,witheachhandholdingtheprisonbars,shebegantoputthestranger’spenis

into her mouth. I didn’t know if I should stop this or not, this was her moment,
somethingsheneededtodo.

“Whatareyoudoingoverthere?!”
Thewoman’svoicecamefromtheotherroom,IknewitwasMadeline.
Usually the effects of Swell would have dissipated some by now, but because we

dranksomuchitwasstillcoursingthroughus,Leahwasclearlystillunderitsspell.We
heard the loud crack of a whip followed by the whimper of a man. Madeline was
whippingLeah’snewfriend.

UntilnowIhadbeencarryingonforLeah.Butthingshadchanged,thesoundofthe

whipturnedmeonandthemomentwasnolongerjustforLeah.Ihadneverbeeninto
thewhipsandchains,butinthatmoment,thesoundofthewhipandMadeline’sshouts
werereallyworkingforme.

“Youarefilthy!”sheshouted,andwhippedhimagain.
Leah was moaning in ecstasy, licking up and down the stranger’s shaft, growling

whilesheshoveditintoherface.Ipulledmycockfromherpussyandburieditinher
ass.Shemoanedwithpleasure.Iplayedwithherclitandtriedtoholdbackmycum.
Witheachsoundofthewhip,theenergyintheroomintensifiedanditwasharderto
holditback.MadelinewaswhippingthismanwhileLeahsuckedhimoffandIfucked
Leah.Swellisahellofadrug.

“Mmmm.”Leahjoltedandafloodofhercumfellontomyhandingushes.Icould

holdbacknomore,Icameinherass,shootinghotcuminsideherwitheverythrust.
Leahwasjerkingoffthestrangerandhecameonherfacewhilestillbeingwhippedby
Madeline.Leahmadesoundswitheveryshotofcumlikeshewantedittostopbutshe
continued to jerk him off letting his cum land on her face. He was done, I was done,
and Leah was done. Leah and I collapsed in a tangled heap onto the floor. We were
sweaty, naked, and full of cum, laying on the cement floor. Madeline relentlessly
whippedthepoorsoulwhowasnolongerinsight.

“Hawaii!”hecriedout.
Thewhippingstopped.
LeahreacheddowntomasturbateandItookherhandandpulleditaway.It’sthe

drug,peoplehaddoneseriousdamagetothemselveswhileunderitsinfluence.

“Weneedtostop,”Isaidbetweenbatedbreaths
“No,”Leahresponded,pullingherhandfrommygrasp.
Shesatonmyhardcockfacingawayfromme.Upanddownshewent,ridingmy

achingshaft.Ithurt,butIwantedhertocontinue.Shewentfasterandfaster,Ifeltthe
jaggedstonefloordigintomyback.Shewasmakingthesoundsofamadwoman,she
pulledoutmycockandbeganrubbingitonherwetpussy.Somehow,Icameagain.I
had a pulsing orgasm but I had nothing left to give. Leah came again, this time her
moanssoundedmorelikepainthanpleasure.Irealizedtherewasbloodonmyback.

Leahreacheddownagain,butIstoppedher.Mycockwasstillhard,Ineededthisto

stop,Leahhadenough.Ihadhadenough.

Wegatheredourclothesandgotdressed.Leahwasdrenchedincumsoweusedmy

undershirttocleanheroffthebestwecouldandjustleftitbehind.

Like any drug, what goes up must come down. This was Leah’s first time so she

would be O.K. Because I had done Swell several times, I would have a night of
dreadfullylowendorphinsandserotonin,combinedwithsleepdeprivation,whichfor
me,isaformoftorture.Leahwon’tgothroughthat;ittakesafewtimesforthatsideof
thedrugtorevealitself.Alldrugsareevil,andSwellwasnoexception.Likeanything
evil,itseemedharmlessatfirst,sneakinguponyou.Leahwouldwakeupwithnothing
more than a hangover, extremely sore pussy, and perhaps some guilt. That was why
someonemaydecidetotrythisagain.Andthenexttimetheypartake,guesswhat?The
samethinghappens.Agreatnight,theyfallasleep,andwakeupwithamildhangover.
Then months, or even years later, you’re an addict and you have no idea how it
happened.

I took Leah home; I probably shouldn’t have driven but it had to be done. We

showeredoutsideandIputhertobed.Therestofmynightwasmostlyspentoutside,I
knewsleepwouldn’tcomesoIdidn’ttry.ItoldmyselfIwouldn’tdothatagainorlet
Leahdoitagain.

As dangerous as it could be, I needed to let things happen without drugs. We are

only animals after all, and we all need to behave like animals sometimes. If Leah
neededtoexplorethatsideofher,Iwastheoneshewoulddothatwith.Isuspected
shewasnotfinished,andIhopedIcouldhelpherinsomeway.

Iwanderedpastthecherryorchardandsatbythepondandthoughtofmycottage

as the sun rose. I drove home once morning was upon me and began a weekend of
recuperation.

CHAPTER10

tookmybiketoworkthatweekratherthanthetruck.Iwashavingahellofatime

shaking off the previous weekend and the bike helped clear my head. It was
WednesdayandIhadn’tspokentoLeahsinceournighttogetheratMadeline’s.Iwas
justfinishingupattheofficewhenIreceivedhertext.

Doyoulikechili?
Yup
Ihaveapotofchilionthestove,comebyonyourwayhome
Itfeltgoodtohearfromher.Iwasgettingworriedshefeltregretandshewantedto

distanceherselffromme.Thisinvitationwasgoodnews.Iflewoutthedoor,dismissing
Heatherwithablanketresponse.

“Iwilldealwithittomorrow.”
Idrovemybikealittlefasterthanusual.Iwasexcitedtoseeher.WhenIpulledup

toherhouse,IwasgreetedbyHotCarltryingtobitethetiresonmybike.Thelittledog
jumpedanddid360swhileItookoffmyhelmetandwalkedtothedoor.

Iknockedlightly,thenopenedthedoor.
“Anybodyhome?”
Iwalkedintothesmellofahomecookedmealandthewarmthofthewoodstove.

Thishousefeltamazing,butLeahwasnowheretobefound.

“Hello?”IshoutedasIputmyhelmetdownonachair.
Imademywaytothekitchenandpeeredoutthewindow,takinginthebeautiful

landscape. The sun was low and the shadows were long. Down in the orchard was
Leah, on a ladder picking cherries. She was a beautiful sight; so completely different
fromtheLeahIwaswithatMadeline’sjustafewdaysago.Shewaswearingatiredold
cardigan that she no doubt had owned for a decade. Her hair mostly tied back with
strands falling on her face. I just watched her for a moment, putting cherries in the
basket. She got off the ladder and looked to be done with her chore, I stepped away
fromthewindowandmademywaytothewoodstove.WhenIopenedit,Irealizedit
didn’tneedanywoodbutIputasmallpieceinanyway.IthoughtLeahwalkinginto
me putting wood on the fire would make me look good. Leah walked into the house
andIstokedthefirewithaniron.

“Mr.Willow.”
Ismiledandlookedupather,therewasadelayinmyresponsebecauseitoccurred

to me I still didn’t know her last name. We were way too far into our relationship to
bringthisup.

“Gettingreadyforthemarket?”Imotionedtothebasketofcherriessheputdown

besideher.

“YesIam.ThisisthebestyearIhaveeverseen.Therearesomanyofthem,thisis

startingtofeellikework.”Leahkickedoffherbootsandmadeherwaytothekitchen.
“Hungry?”

“Starving,”Ianswered.
Shetookthelidoffapotonthestove,releasingacloudofsteamthatdisappeared

intotheair.

“Itisachiliandbeerkindanight.”
Leah was talking with her back to me as she ladled the chili into bowls, topping

themoffwithsourcreamandchives.Shehandedmeabowlandopenedthefridgeand
grabbedtwooversizedbottlesofbeerandhandedonetome.

“It’shoppyasfuck,”shesaidasshewalkedawayfrommetotheotherroomwith

herbowlofchiliandhoppybeer.Ilookedatthelabelanditread“HoppyasFuck.”I
laughedtomyselfandmademywayover.

LeahwasswearingasshepushedaV.H.S.tapeintoamachineandthemachinekept

spittingitout.

“Stayinthere,youfucker.”
Ilaughedatherstruggleandsatdownonthecouch,shehadputherbowlofchili

andbeeronthecoffeetable,soIdidthesame.

“Therewego,”shesaidasthelargeV.H.S.playerrevvedup.Thenwithacrack,the

tapebegantorewind.

“Ahfuck.”Leahturnedtomeandwebothlaughed.
“Sitdownandeat.Itwillplayautomaticallywhenitgetstothebeginning.”
LeahsatbesidemeandIopenedherbeerandminewithmylighter.Weclinkedour

bottlesanddrank.

“Itreallyishoppyasfuck,”IsaidasIputitbackonthecoffeetable.
“Myneighbormakesit,quitetheoperationtheyhaveoverthereactually.”
We both were leaning over the coffee table enjoying our chili, and I am not

exaggeratingwhenIsayitwasthebestchiliIhadeverhad.

Iwasamusedbytheroom.Leah’sT.V.lookedlikeitwasfromthe70’s.Itsatonthe

floor like a heavy piece of furniture, completely encased in wood and there were a
coupleofdialsontheside.TheV.H.S.playersittingontopofthetelevisionsnappedto
the beginning and the tape began to play. Princess Bride was the movie, one of my
favorites.Webothlaughedhardandgenuineeventhoughwehadbothseenthismovie
manytimes.Afewtimes,wesaidthelinesbeforethecharacters.Therewassomething
verycomfortingaboutallthis.Icouldn’tpokefunatherabouttheoldT.V.andV.H.S.
player because I thought it was charming. I made a point of not bringing up last
weekend, and I’m not sure there was anything to discuss anyway. I hoped she was
done with Madeline’s. It is good to act out fantasies sometimes, because most of the
timeyoufindouttheywerebetterleftasfantasy.Thatwayyoucangoonwithyour
life and the wondering is over. Rarely though, reality is even better than the dream,
andthiscanbeproblematicattimes.IhopedLeahfellintotheformercategory.The
truthisIwasfallingforher,IwantedherinmylifebutIwasworriedIhadbecometoo
accustomedtobeingalone.

I knew myself well enough to hold back and let things happen rather than force

them. Besides, I could just be getting carried away; I am not sure I am built for
monogamy. But there is nowhere I would have rather been than with her, on that
couch, that Wednesday night. We had our fair share of H.A.F. (Hoppy as Fuck) and
watchedsomeothertapesshehad.Theywereallblanktapeswithmultiplethingson
them.Thetitleswerewrittenwiththetimenexttothemsoyoucouldfindtheirplace
on the tape. We ate too much chili, drank too much beer and watched a Mystery
ScienceTheater3000movie.Itwasanicenight.

Weendedupspooningonthecouch,wrappedupinablanket.Wewerenaked,but

shestillhadonthatoldcardigan.Wewereslowlydriftingtosleep.

“Thatbeerreallyhitsya,”Iwhispered.
“It’sninepercent,”shewhisperedback.
Iwaspleasantlybuzzedfromthebeer.Thesmellsofherhairandherskinmixed

perfectly. I kissed and licked her neck softly, then smelled the area I had just licked,
trying to not make it obvious. Just a weird thing I do. Everything was peaceful, even
herdogwascurledupatourfeet.

“Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“Iwanttogoback.”
Silencefollowed,Ididn’tanswer.
“Iwanttogobacktothatroom;willyougowithme?”
Itwascomplex,Ididn’twantto,Ididn’twanthertowantto,butIwasalsogetting

turnedonbyhersuggestion.Silencelingered,thenfinallyIresponded.

“WecangoSaturdayifyoulike.”
Leahnestledintomemore,andmycockfounditswayinsideofher.Westayedin

thatposition,spooningonthecouch.Ifuckedhergently,cumminginsideher,andwe
bothfellasleep.AsusualIdreamedofmycottage,butthistimeLeahwastherewith
me.

………………………………

WOKE

upwiththesun.Fallingasleeponacouchisthebest,wakingupononeisnot.

Somehow,IgotoffthecouchwithoutwakingLeah.Iwentoutsideandshowered,and
thoughttomyselfthatIwantedanoutdoorshowerlikeLeah’satthecottage.Ihada
slighthangoverbutthefreshairwasfixingmerightup.Iwalkeddowntotheorchard
and ate plums off the tree. There I was, standing in my underwear, helping myself. I
threwthepitsfar,tryingtohitanoaktreethatwasabout60feetaway.

IwasasquietaspossiblewhenIsteppedbackintothehouse,madeapotofcoffee,

andkissedLeahgoodbye.

“Thereisashowerinside,yaknow,”shewhispered,notopeninghereyes.
Ilaughedandsaidgoodbye.Ifiredupmybike,tryingnottobetooloud,andheaded

towardtheoffice.Iwasalittleearlywhichwasgreat.Iwouldhavetimetostopfora

coffeeatmyfavoritespot.Ireallywasfeelinggood,Iwonderedifplumswereacure
forhangovers?

Lili and Oli was the name of the coffee shop. It was Italian style coffee, nothing

fancy. I stopped in often enough that they knew what I wanted. My routine was to
open my laptop on the counter and drink my coffee quickly. I liked looking at real-
estate around my house to try to get a sense of how much I could get if I sold mine.
ThenIwouldlookathomehardwaresitesandplanwhatIwoulddowiththecottage
when I moved there. That had been a pastime for years, but it felt like I was
formulating a plan more than merely dreaming. I noticed that if you thought about
somethingenough,itisboundtoenduphappening.

“Jack.”
I was greeted by a content looking young man behind the counter. I set up my

laptopwhilehemademyAmericano.Hehandedmethehotcoffeeinaclearglassand
motioned to the television in the corner where a soccer game was displayed. Most
everyonetherewasstaringatthescreenandinvolvedinthegame.

“Theymightnotmakethisone,”saidthebarista.
Ihadnoideawhathewastalkingabout,butIfeltagenericresponsewasinorder.
“Theycancomeback.”
Mr.Baristapattedmeontheshoulderandreturnedtohiswork.Thereissomething

aboutthatfirstcupofcoffeeinthemorning,sodamngood.Ihadalmostanhourtokill
here.ItoldmyselfthatIwouldgetinthehabitofwakingupearlierandspendingsome
timeherebeforeworkbutIknewIwaslyingtomyself.Iwenttoawebsitethatsells
partsforoldVincentmotorcyclesandstartedriflingthrough.Thatprojectbikeinmy
garagehasnothadmuchattention.ThatiswhatIwoulddo;Icouldliveatthecottage
andIcouldspendmydaysworkingonoldbikes.Icouldbringoldsweetiesbacktolife
andsellthemonline.

“Youarewearingthesameclothesasyesterday.”
IlookeduptoseeHeather.Shesatinfrontofmeatthelittletwo-seatertableand

turnedmylaptoparoundtoseewhatIwasdoing.Shehadanextremelyintrusiveway
abouther.

“Areyougettingcarriedawaywithallthis?”shequestioned.
“Carriedaway?”
“Let me guess, Jack, you think you are helping this innocent girl explore her

sexuality,”Heatherspokeinacondescendingtone.

“Innocent?”
Therewasalongsilence,Heatherchimedin.
“Whatdidyoudolastnight?”
“Wewatchedoldmovies,sheactuallyhasaV.H.S.player.”
“Doyouthinkyouloveher?”
“Whatareyou,thefuckingthoughtpolice?Maybeyoucanlayoff.”
“Juststopthinkingyou’redoingthisgirlafavor.It’sallaboutyou,andyou’redoing

her more harm than good. I saw you take her upstairs. I know you were drinking
Swell.MaybeyoushouldlayoffthegirlJack.”

Again,silence.HeatheristheonlypersoninmylifeIallowtospeaktomelikethat.

It’s funny how early in relationships people fall into positions and stay there for the

balance of the relationship. The devil’s advocate comes to mind when it come to me
andHeather,itgoesbothways.Onthesurface,itwouldseemlikewehavenorespect
foroneanotherbutthatreallyisnotthecase.HeatherlooksoutformeandIher,she
knewmequitewellatthispoint.Sheisoftenextremelyannoyingandintrusive,and
rarely has kind words. But early on that was how we decided this relationship was
goingtowork,anditdoes.

“I don’t get you Willow,” Heather continued to be shitty, motioning at my laptop.

Thiswasherwayofrespectfullychangingthesubject.

“Whatisitaboutyoulovingeverythingold?V.H.S.tapes,oldbikes,oldbooks,old

movies, old guitar amps—do you think this makes you more interesting or
something?”

“Doyoureallywantmetoanswerthatorareyoujusttakingjabs?”Iaskedlooking

awayfromher.

“LayitonmeWillow,tellmewhyyouareunbearablyhip.”
Idrankwhatwasleftofmycoffeeandlookedupatthesoccergame.
“Youcoveredalotofgroundinyourlittlerant;bikes,movies,books,guitaramps.

Everythingismostexcitinginitsinception.Youmentionedoldmovies,andthereisno
questionthatBlu-rayisbetterqualitypictureandsound,butitisnotaboutthat.Lookat
theactors,thestarsofeachera.Theygetconsiderablymoreinterestingthefurtheryou
go back. More exaggerated, seemingly more dedicated. Today all the magic is gone,
these movie stars have become more common than a commoner, and they have
becomejustapropinaseaofspecialeffectsinthemovie.Ipreferreditwhen,rather
thananexplosion,aclose-upoftheleadinglady’sfacewastheclimaxofthescene.Old
bikes,oldcars,oldmusicequipment—it’sallthesame.Thefactthattheyarestillhereis
thewholepoint.Thereisvirtuallynothingbuilttodaythatisintendedtolast,theyare
meant to biodegrade, disappear, and make way for new fashions. There was a time
when something was built, it was meant to last as long as possible, there was no
concept that whatever was being conceived was meant to be disposable. These cars,
bikes, guitars, movies, and everything else were meant to last forever. The people
creating them were completely dedicated to what they were doing and almost never
became rich from it. You can feel it from the materials they used, the lines of the
design.Everythingisbestthefirsttimearound.”

“YouknowwhatWillow?Iseeyoulookingatthisshitallthetimeonyourlaptop,

andyouknowwhat’smoreimpressivethananyofthestuffyoulookup?Yourfucking
laptop.”

“My laptop is disposable, and will without question be replaced by something else

beforelong.”

“You’re constantly looking at old junk, that’s what I see. And there are more

impressiveactorsandmusicianstodaythanthereeverwere.”

Iranmyhandthroughmyhairandshiftedgearsinmymind.Heathercoulddebate

alldayifIlether.

“So,whatkindofdayarewelookingat?”
“Nothingtooheavytoday,butitwillbebusy.”
Heatherstoodupandputonherjacket,exposingtheskinonherstomachwhenshe

raisedherarms.Heatherwasingoodshape.Robsayssheis‘bitchhot.’Iagreewiththe

firstpart.

“Don’t’belate,”Heathergavemeawinkandheadedoff.
Therestoftheweekwasfairlyeffortless;IguessIdidaslittleaspossible.Iwentto

work and glided through the day, then went home and messed around in the garage
while I listened to a radio show I like. There is an old timey radio show at 8pm
Thursdaynights;thisD.J.tellsthestoryofeverytunebeforeheplaysit,heisareally
great story teller. He gets deeply involved in the back story and with what was
happeningwhenthesongwasbeingrecorded.“Listenforthemomentattheendofthe
songwhenthedrummerthrowsdownhissticksinfrustration,”or,“...thetimewhen
thesingeraccidentlystartsthesecondverseearlyin‘LouiLoui.’”Hebuildshisstories
sowellthatbythetimethesongbeginsyoufeellikeyouarerighttherewiththeband,
feelingwhattheyfelt.

Ididn’tcontactLeah.Itriedtostopthinkingaboutherbutwasn’thavingmuchluck.

IfeltlikeIwasgettingcarriedawayandwastryingtocooloff.IwasobsessingandI
knewit.Herskin,herhair,hersmell—therewassomethingabouther.Ithoughtabout
herallthetime.Iwasn’tsureIwascapableoflovesoIdismissedthiswholethingasan
obsession;IwasbecomingobsessedwithLeah.

Perhaps this relationship had become more of an understanding. There was

something we both needed and we were giving each other just that. That was why I
didn’tknowherlastnameandhadn’ttriedtofindout,thatwaswhyLeahhadnoidea
whatIdoforalivingandhadn’tpressedtheissue.Thereisanelementofanonymity
betweenuseventhoughwewerebecomingclose,weallowedeachothertobewhowe
needed. Leah was discovering herself sexually, pushing herself, acting out fantasies.
Shehadalwaysbeensweetandinnocentandneededtoexploreothersidesofherself.

WhatwasIgettingoutofthis?
WhatisitIneeded?
Ireallywasunsureoftheanswer.Ihavealwaysbeenbetteratreadingotherpeople

ratherthanmyself.

Thatmayexplainmyprofession.
It was well into Friday evening, I was hanging out with Rob and Gregg at the

rehearsalspace,thankfulitwasjustthethreeofus.Wesmokedcigars,drankwhiskey,
passedaroundmynewguitar,andsharedsomelaughs.TheboysleftbeforeIdidandI
wasleftalone.Itwasastrangeplacetobealonein.Therewasnomusic,justthesound
of the city in the distance. I sat on the Victorian sofa, finishing my Montecristo No. 5
cigar.Ithoughtabouther.IknewwemadeplanstomeetSaturdaybutIwantedherto
send me a message of some kind to let me know if she was still into it. I began to
question things more, maybe Heather was right, maybe I should lay off. As much as
Heather frustrated me, she was often right. I am not in love, I thought to myself. I
repeatedthethoughtafewtimestotrytomakeitsinkin.

Iconfess,Ihaveneverbeeninthatnamelessroom.IknowMadelinecontrolsmost

ofwhatgoesoninthere,Iknowitisnotcheap,andIknowyouarenotaloneinthat
room.Theretendstobealotgoingon.Ihaveseenpeopleleavethatroomlookingbeat
up.Theyneverhangaround;theywalkstraightoutthedoorasfastastheycan.No,I
never felt the need to go to that room, this would be a first for both of us. I was
beginningtoquestionthewholeidea.Ididn’twanttoshareLeahandIfearedthatwas

thewholeideaofthatroom.

My phone vibrated on the glass table. I let the smoke fall out of my mouth then

reacheddowntoseeitwasamessagefromLeah.

Let’smeetatthebaratmidnighttomorrowO.K.?
IputthephonebackonthetableandIthoughtforamoment.IfIdidn’tdothiswith

Leahandwebeganarelationship,Iwouldendupbeingsomeoneinherlifethatholds
herbackfromherdeepsexualfantasies.Shewouldalwaysseemethatway.Iamsure
wecouldbehappy,therewouldbehomecookedmealsandafireburninginthewood
stove,butsomethingwouldbemissing.Ididn’twanttobethattoher,Iwantedtobe
someoneshecouldletgowith.IscrolledthroughmycontactsandfoundMadeline.

“Can you take care of me and my new flame, tomorrow at midnight, your special

room?”

Iwassurprisedhowfastsheresponded.
“Jack?”
“Yes,JackWillow.”
“SafewordisAlaska,don’tbelate.”
I messaged Leah telling her I would see her there. I poured more whiskey in my

glassanddrankitswiftly.Itseemedthishadtohappen.

IpluggedinmyguitarandplayedmyheartoutuntilIwastootiredtocarryon.It

wasn’tmyplan,butasithappenedIspentthenightthere.Ilaydownonthecouchand
fellintoadreamlesssleep.

“O

CHAPTER11

hJack,Iwantedtotellyouabouttheneighborhoodwatchmeetingcomingup.”

MarjoriewascrossingthestreetandtalkingloudlyasItookoffmyhelmet.It

wasSaturdaymorningandIwashungover.Iwasneverreallyinthemoodtotalkto
Marjorie,andthismorningwasnoexception.

“IamsureyouhaveeverythingundercontrolMarjorie.”
I wished her a good day and headed inside. I swung the screen door open and it

almost came off its hinges. I really needed to either fix it or buy a new one, it was
driving me crazy. I made my way to the kitchen, put on a pot of coffee and made a
decent breakfast for myself. While the eggs and bacon were sizzling, I put on some
MuddyWatersinanefforttochangemymood.

The food, coffee, and music helped. I was leveling out but I was overthinking this

wholething.IwasworriedmyrelationshipwithLeahwouldbedamagedbywhatever
happenedlaterthatnight.IknewIhadverylittlecontroloverthesituationsoImight
aswelltrytohavesomefun.OneofmyfavoritesongscameonsoIturneditup,it’s
called“Man”byMuddyWaters.Ipouredmorecoffeeintomycupandnestledintomy
couchwithmyiPad.

IreallyknewverylittleaboutS&MsoIgoogledit.Asthesongplayedout,Iflipped

through pictures. One by one, black leather and latex covered women tied up in
dungeons. Whips, chains, masks, gags, and restraints. I had never given this much
thoughtbutIfeltmyselfgettingturnedonasIkeptlooking.Eventuallymyhangover
caught up to me and I put my head back and fell asleep with my iPad on my chest.
Nappingafterbreakfastisthebest.

Itookmytimegettingreadythatevening.I’dspentthedaynappingandreadingso

I was ready to get a move on. I was all set to go, but I took a moment to gather my
thoughts.Isplashedmyfacewithwaterafewtimesandlookedatmyselfinthemirror.

“Alaska,”Isaidtomyself.
IdrovemybikeovertheMercierBridgeandtookintheviewofthecity.Theglowof

thecitylightsreflectedthroughthesmokeandsteamtocreateaneerieatmosphere.I
droveintothemistandsteamofBonnevilleandleftapartofmeontheothersideof
theriver.

Iparkedmybikeinmyusualspotbythetheaterandwalkedtherestoftheway.I

waswideawake;myheartracingfasterwitheachstepclosertoMadeline’s.IfeltlikeI
wasdoingsomethingwrong,likeIhopedIwouldn’tbeseengoingintothatroom.Iwas
scared and aroused at the same time. This whole thing was wrong and a part of me

lovedit.

I hit the door hard three times with the side of my fist. It wasn’t Rex but another

familiar face that opened it. He must have known me better then I him because he
usheredmeinwithoutquestion.ItwasnearingmidnightandIfeltmoresinisterthanI
have ever felt in a long time. I looked up at the balcony and could see the door was
closed,thatmeantitwastaken.BymeIrealized,adrenalinecoursingthroughme.It
wastimeforadrink,itwastimetoseeLeah.

IorderedatripleJamesonontherocks.Leahwasnowheretobeseen.Ataponmy

shouldersummonedmyattention.Heather.

Heatherwaswearingherusualmask,hereyeswerefixedonme,werespectedone

another’sspaceandrarelyspoketoeachotherhere.Icouldtellsomethingwasup.I
drank most of what was in my glass and stared back at Heather waiting for her to
speak.Sheleanedinclosetomyear.

“She has been here for an hour drinking Swell,” Heather motioned toward the

second-floorbalcony.“Sheisupthere,Ijustthoughtyoushouldknow.”

Andwiththatshewalkedaway.IhadbeenworriedLeahmightgetintotheSwell

again.Whatwasshedoinguptherewithoutme?IcontemplatedthiswhileIfinished
myJameson.Imadeaquickdecisiontoplaycatch-up.IfshewasonSwellIwouldbe
too. I motioned for the bartender and asked for it to be as strong as possible. I was
surprisedthathegavemeasmallglassnotmuchlargerthanashotglass.Ileanedinto
askforabiggerone,butheinsistedthatthesmallglassinfrontofmewasfarstronger
thanwhatIwasusedto.Itrustedheknewwhathewasdoingandshotitbackinone
swoop. It burned something fierce; tasted like a chemical soup and took my breath
away after I swallowed. There was a band playing “Dazed and Confused” by Led
Zeppelin,Icouldn’taskforabettersongforthemoment.Istoodupfromthebarstool
and felt it begin, my heart slowed as I was overwhelmed with self-confidence. I felt
strong,Ifeltlove.Imademywayupstairs.

Itriedtoopenthedoorbutitwaslocked.Igaveittwosolidknockswiththesideof

myfist.Istoodthereandwaitedbutnothinghappened,againIknockedandwaited.A
metal on metal screech came from a small sliding door at eye level, exposing a
shadowedface.Ileanedintotrytoseewhoitwaswhenthelittlemetaldoorsnapped
shut.IlookedaroundtoseeifIwasbeingwatched,thankfullyIwasn’t.

There I stood, waiting for the door to open. There was a loud thud and clank that

suggesteditwasunlockedbutthedoorremainedclosed.Icrackedopenthedoorand
steppedinside.Theheavydoorclosedbehindmeandmadeathudechoingaroundin
theroom.

TheroomwassodarkIcouldn’tgetasenseofhowbigitwas.Anarrowspotlight

splittheroom,andtherestoodLeah,inthefocalpointofthenarrowstreamoflight.
My heart sank, she looked scared and hurt. Her hair was pulled back tight again, her
mouthgagged,andshewasrestrainedwithanetworkofropesthatseemedtoleadto
pullies on the ceiling. Anything outside of the narrow stream of light was nearly
impossibletosee.

Leahworelong,tight,black-latexbootsthatlookedlikehighheels,fishnetstockings

madetheirwayupherthighs.Therestofherclothingwasanarrayoflatexstraps,and
aroundherneckwasablackstuddedcollar,withasmallchainattached.Thegagwasa

blackstrapnotunlikethestrapswrappedaroundherbody.Herarmsweretightbehind
her back; she was leaning slightly forward at the mercy of the ropes. Leah was
restrainedineverywaypossible,herchestroseandfellwithdeepbreaths.

“Well,well,well.JackWillow.”
Thevoicecamefromthedarknessandechoedaroundtheroommakingithardto

place its origin. Heavy authoritative steps came closer and Madeline appeared out of
thedarkness.Shewasanaverageheightwoman,butshewaswearingblackbootswith
anextremeheelthatmadeherlookexceptionallytall.Herblackbootsandheroutfit
seemed to be made of one piece of skin-tight, black, shiny latex, stretching from the
bottomofherfeettojustaboveherbreast.Sheworeblackleatherglovesthatstretched
toherelbows,andaroundherneckwasanecklacewithtwoglassvials.Madelinewasa
striking woman even without this attire. Her face was beautiful, her pale skin
contrastedperfectlywithherjet-blackhair,andherlipswerealwayspaintedbloodred.
Herbangswerecutshortinaseverelineacrossherforehead,whiletherestofherhair
wasmediumlength.Hermouthusuallyrevealedwhatshewasfeeling,whileherdark
eyeskepthersecrets.

“Yourlittlegirlfriendlikestoplay.”
Madelinewalkedclosertome.MyattentionbouncedbackandforthfromMadeline

to Leah. Madeline’s steps were solid and deliberate, she was very slowly marching
towardme,hittingherfeetonthegroundhard.Shestoodbeforeme,holdingawhipon
eitherendwithbothhands.Shetookoneendofthewhipandgrazedthecontoursof
myerection;theSwellwasstrong.

“IthinkyoulikethisalreadyJack.”
Madelinesteppedcloserstill,thentomysurprise,kissedme.Hertongueshotinto

mymouthandshekissedmepassionately.Simultaneouslysheunzippedmypantsand
wrappedthelooseendofthewhiparoundtheheadofmycock.Stillkissingmehard,
shebegantopullthewhipmakingittighterandtighteraroundmycock.TheSwellhad
takenholdandIwasfarfromreality.Mycockwasbeggingforcontactandthewhip
felt good. I was reluctant to kiss her back at first considering Leah’s state but I was
overwhelmed by the Swell and Madeline so I kissed her back hard, and just as I
completelysubmittedshepulledaway.

“Jack,Jack,Jack,whatamIgoingtodowithyou?”
Madeline went to her knees and wrapped the whip a few more times around my

cock,heldbothendsofthewhipandbegantopull.IamnotsureifIwouldhavebeen
into it if it were not for the Swell, but at that moment, all I wanted was contact. I
wantedtofeelskinonskinbutthewhipwouldhavetodo.Ihadneverbeensohard;
theheadofmycockwasbulgingandIfeltlikeitwastryingtogetbiggerstillandwould
break the whip. Madeline brought the head of my cock close to her open red mouth
andstaredatLeah.Madelinestuckouthertongueandslowlylickedthebottomofmy
dick. She just held the top of my throbbing cock on her tongue while continuing to
stareatLeah.

“Putitinyourmouth.”
Isaiditquietly,justloudenoughtobeheard.ClearlyitwastheSwelltalking.
“Whatthefuckdidyoujustsaytome?Idon’tthinkyougethowthisworks,Jack,I

tellyouwhattodo.”

MadelinepulledthewhiptighterandIrecoiledinpain.
“Takeoffyourshirt,”shedemanded.
Itookoffmyblackbuttonupshirtandletitfalltothefloor.TheSwellhadcausedall

mymusclestotense,theroomwashotandmustysoIwascoveredinsweat.Madeline
pulledthewhiptighteranditbecamemorepainthanpleasure.

“Stop,”Isaiditundermybreath.
“What?Jack,wehaven’tevenstarted.Iexpectedmorefromyou.”
IwantedtheattentiononLeahandwonderedwhyitwasonme.Madelinereleased

herholdandstoodup.

“Takeeverythingoff.Now!”
IlookedatLeahandwasabouttoaskherifshewasO.K.whenMadelinecracked

herwhipnexttome,narrowlymissingmyskin.

“Now!”
Itookoffallmyclothes.IlookedatLeahandshelookedbackatme.Idon’tthink

sheeverlookedsobeautiful.TheSwellwasatfulleffectandIbeganstrokingmycock,
itbeggedforcontact.

Madeline’swhipcracked.
“DonottouchyourselfunlessItellyouto.”
Madeline disappeared into the shadows and returned with a metal chalice. She

shoutedintothedarkness.

“Doit!”
TheropesthatheldupLeahtightenedandthepulliesabovescreeched.Shelooked

likeamarionetteastheropesforcedherintoanewposition.Herlegsspreadout,her
armsbehindher,herheadtiltedback.Madelinewalkedovertoheranddraggedherto
themiddleoftheroomwhereIwas.ItseemedLeahcouldbedraggedinanydirection
andmaintainthepositionshewasin.TheropesandchainsheldherstillbutMadeline
couldmoveheraroundtheroomeasily.

Madeline pointed the end of the whip at me as she spoke, “Don’t move, and don’t

touchthatbigcockofyours.”

Madeline removed Leah’s gag and Leah took a deep breath. Madeline walked

behindher.

“HaveyoueverletawomantouchyourpussyLeah?”
Leahdidnotrespond,hereyesstayedonmeandmineonhers.Shelookedhurtand

vulnerable;Ilovedherlikethis.Ididn’twanthertobegenuinelyhurt,Iwouldhave
stoppedallofthisifIthoughtthatwaswhatshewanted.Atthatmoment,Iwasunsure
what she wanted. Then it happened. The corner of one side of her beautiful mouth
formed a smile. That was all I needed, I briefly forgot the rules and reached for my
cock.Madelinecrackedherwhipnexttome.

“Wait!”
MadelinebeganpouringliquidonLeah’sbreasts,andslowlyonherexposedcunt.

The liquid was blue; I knew it was Swell. Madeline put the handle of her whip under
Leah’schin.

“Stickoutyourtongue.”
LeahobeyedandMadelinepouredtheSwellonhertongueandinhermouth,then

returned to pouring it on her pussy. I heard there were many ways to get Swell into

your body. Leah gave short violent thrusts. She was so hypertensive that feeling the
liquid fall on her aroused pussy sent her into gyrations. She made trembling sounds
andaskedformorewhenMadelinestopped.

“You never answered my question Leah, has a woman touched your wet pussy

before?”

“No,”Leahrespondedbetweenpantingbreaths.
MadelinebentdownbehindLeahandstartedgrazingLeah’snippleswiththewhip,

Leahbreathedindeeplythroughhernose.Istoodandwatchedwaitinglikeasoldier
prepared for battle, my hard cock pointed high and pulsed with my every heartbeat.
MadelinewhisperedinLeah’sear,“Doyouwantmetotouchyou?”

“Yes!”Leahrespondeddesperately.
Madeline’s hand appeared between Leah’s legs, she was still behind Leah, she

caressed her cunt. It was beautiful, Leah arched her back as Madeline’s fingers went
deeper and deeper inside. Madeline’s eyes were on me. It was sensual in how she
touched Leah, she made quiet moaning sounds as she brought Leah into an erotic
trance.TheSwellhadastrongholdonLeah,Ithoughtitwasprobablyforthebestshe
wasrestrained.Shelookedpossessedwithherbackarchedandhereyesrolledtothe
back of her head. Madeline spread Leah’s pussy lips wide, Leah opened her legs as
muchasshecould.IheardthepulliesadjustandLeah’spositionwaschangedsoher
legswerebentandback.HerheadwassupportedbyMadeline’sbeautifulbreasts.

“GetonyourkneesJack.”
OnmykneesIwent.
“Crawloverhere.”
Imademywayover,Madeline’shandneverleftLeah’swetpussy.ShespreadLeah

lipswideapart.

“Lick.Bottomtotop,andifIseeyoujerkingoffyou’regettingthewhipJackyboy,

sokeepthosehandswhereIcanseethem.”

I put my hands on Leah’s ass and put the flat of my tongue on her warm cunt.

Slowly,Imademywayup.

“Slow!”Madelineshouted.
I continued up, barely moving, my tongue fell into every fold. Her pussy was hot

andwet,shewasmoaningandtryingtopushintomyfacebutMadelinekeptherstill.
Finally,Ifeltherclit,IflickeditwithmytongueandLeahscreamed.

“Yes!”
“Don’t stop Willow,” Madeline said as she was squeezing both of Leah’s nipples

between her thumb and finger, twisting and pulling. Then, to my surprise, the whip
cracked,andIfeltashockofpainbetweenmyshoulderblades.

“Itoldyounottojerkoff.”
I didn’t even realize I had been. Madeline was grazing the area she just whipped,

andIshovedmytonguedeepinsideLeah’spussy.

“Jack,youaresoeager,comebackherewhereIamandwewilltrytofixyouup,”

Madelinespokesoftly.Iobeyed.Webasicallyswitchedpositions.

“YouhaveanicecockJack,”MadelinecaressedLeah’spussywhileshespoke.“Do

youlikehiscockLeah?”

“Yes.”

“Youshould,itisbeautiful.Jack,putyourballsinhermouth.”
I stood with Leah’s head between my legs and put my balls in her face, I felt her

warmmouthandtongue.Ilookeddownandsawclearpre-cumdrippingoffthetipof
mydick.

“Goodgirl.LetLeahhaveherrighthand,”Madelineshoutedintotheshadows.The

pulliesfromaboveadjustedandLeahwasabletomoveherrightarm.

“IthinkJackneedstobejerkedoffLeah,canyouhelphimwiththat?”
Leahreachedupandgrabbedmycock,stilldevouringmyballsinheropenmouth.

Shejerkedmeoff,slidingherhandupanddown.Itfeltperfect.Ilookeddowntosee
MadelinewaslickingLeah’sclitandfingeringherpussy.BetweenLeahandMadeline,
the sound of sucking and licking bounced off the walls. I was rocking back and forth
pushingmyballsintoherface,moaningwithpleasure.Leahbeganscreamingasshe
climaxed.

“Ohgoodgirl,”Madelinereassuredherandtwistedhernipples.“Putthatbeautiful

cockinhermouthJack.”

Leah tilted her head way back and put my cock into her mouth. I began slowly

fuckingherbeautifulface.Shemadegagingnoisesbutpushedmecloserwithherfree
hand.Icouldfeelthebackofherthroatwiththetipofmydick.Madelinepulledout
somethingthatlookedlikeablackbillystickandbeganrubbingitaroundLeah’spussy.
Leahmoanedandgagged.

“DoyouwanthimtoshoothiscumdownyourthroatLeah?Icanmakehimdothat

ifyouwant.”

Ipulledmycockoutofhermouth,Icouldhearanelectrichumcomingfromthe

blackbillystickthatwasonLeah’sclit.

“Yeah,”Leah’sone-wordanswerwasdrawnoutandturnedintoamoan.Sheclearly

wasenjoyingthevibrationsfromMadeline’stoy.

“Youwanthiscuminyourmouth?”Madelinequestioned.
“Yes.”
“Askhimforit.”
Leahlookedupatme,“Iwantyourcum.”
“JerkoffthatbeautifulcockJack.”
I jerked off fast and hard. Madeline clipped something on Leah’s nipples then

returnedtorubbingLeah’scuntwiththebig,black,vibratingtoy.

“You can cum again Leah, you can cum as many times as you want.” Madeline

pulled another toy from her leather bag. It was also black, smaller, with a hook that
wasobviouslymeanttogoupLeah’stightlittleass.

“I am going to make you cum again Leah. And Jack, you eager boy, hold it just a

littlelonger.”

Isloweddownslightly,myballswerefullofhotcumthatwasbeggingtoexplode

outofmycock.MadelinekepttheoriginalvibratingtoyonLeah’sclitandputthenew
toyinherass,allthewayinuntilitnearlydisappeared.

“Oh,youareadirtylittleslutaren’tyou?”MadelinefuckedLeahwiththetoy,inand

out,pussyandass.

Madelinecontinued,“TelluswhatyouareLeah.”
“I’madirtylittleslut,”Leahwasmoaningbutherwordswereclear.

Iwassqueezingmycocktryingtoholdinmycum.
“Areyouawhore?”Madelineasked.
“I’mawhore,”Leahansweredandwasclearlycomingtoaclimax.
“I’m a dirty whore,” Leah said without being asked. She began screaming with

pleasure.

“CuminhermouthJack.”
Finally. I pointed my cock into Leah’s open mouth and started fucking her face.

Leahwasmoaningandgaging.Ifeltthebackofherthroatandexploded.Iscreamed
likeIwasrunningintobattle.

“Oh, good girl,” I heard Madeline say. I looked down and saw cum falling out of

Leah’scuntdowntothefloorbelow.

Ipulledoutmycock,Leahwasstillmoaning.Madelinenolongerhadhertoys,but

wasgrazingLeah’sbodywithherwhip.

“YouaredoingsogoodLeah;thisisjustthebeginning.”
“Down!”Madelineshoutedintotheshadows.
Slowly,Leahwasloweredtotheground.OnebyoneMadelinebeganunclippingall

ofLeahrestraints.OnceLeahwasfree,MadelineclippedachaintothebackofLeah’s
collar.

“There you go, now we can really have fun,” Madeline walked around Leah and

stood behind her. Leah looked at me, stood up and wrapped herself around me. She
was mostly naked but the latex straps that wrapped around her felt good pressed
againstme.Leahkissedme,andheldme.Foramoment,Iforgotwherewewere,the
Swellstillhaditshooksinme,mycockwasstillerectandmydrivewasstrong.

“IcanseeyouwantyourmanLeah.Youknowwhat’sbetterthanaman?”
Leahheldmetight,welistenedasMadelinewalkedaroundus.
“Yes, I know what is better than a man. Four men.” Madeline gave a tug on the

chainattachedtoLeah’scollar.“Onyourknees.”

Leahobeyedandfelltoherkneesbeforeme.
“Suckthatcock.”
Leahbobbedherheadupanddownandjerkedmycockoffintohermouth.From

theshadows,Icouldseefiguresappear.

“Goodgirl,nowbendoverLeah,”Madelineordered,lightlywhippingLeah’snaked

ass.

Leah bent over, pointing her ass high, waving it back and forth. Madeline went to

herknees,andgrabbedeachofLeahcheeksandpulledthemapart.

“C’monbigboy,”Madelinetauntedme.
IpulledoutfromLeah’smouth,walkingtowhereMadelineknelt.Ifelltomyknees

andputthetipofmydickonthebuttonofLeah’sass,tryingtoignorethefiguresinthe
shadowsaroundus.

“Doyouwantthatbigcockinyourass?”MadelineaskedLeah.
“Fuckme,”Leahrepliedboldly.
“C’mon Jack, put that big dick in that tiny ass,” Madeline spit on Leah’s ass and

pulledhercheeksapartasfarastheywouldgo.

IpushedmycockinsideLeah’slittleass,myheaddisappearedinsideher,Imoved

slowly.Leahpushedbackintomeandmycockcompletelyvanished.

“Oh, you dirty girl, I am impressed,” Madeline spoke loudly and with enthusiasm.

ShehandedmethechaintoLeah’scollar.IfuckedLeah’stightassandpulledthechain
so her back was arched and her chin pointed up. Her ass felt good, her soft cheeks
cushionedmeasIplowedintoher.Madelinepouredsomekindofoildownthecrack
ofLeah’sass,itwaswarmandmademeslideinandoutwithease.IfuckedLeah’sass
hardandfast.Shemoanedtheword‘yes’repeatedly.

“Givemethat,”Madelinetookthechainfrommyhand.“Slaves!”Madelineshouted

tothefiguresintheshadows.“Come!”

One by one they stepped out of the shadows and toward us. They were all men,

muchtomydispleasure.IwasnotkeenonsharingLeah,nottomentionIdidnotlike
theideaofbeingaroundanothermanwhenhewasaroused.Iwashavingahardtime
shaking off our experience in the other room the previous week. There were three
masked men. All three wore head to toe black latex, the outfits covering their heads
and faces. There were holes for their eyes and mouths, otherwise they appeared
completely covered. Madeline came close to me while I fucked Leah, she began
slapping my ass with her bare hand. She put her lips next to my ear and whispered,
“It’snotaboutyou,letherhaveherfun.”

Shewasofcoursereferringtomyvisiblediscomfortwithournewguests.LetLeah

haveherfun?Iwonderedifthiswassomethingshewanted.

“Do you want a cock in your mouth Leah?” Madeline asked the question oddly

casual.

“Yes,”Leahanswered.
Thatansweredthatquestion,Iwouldgetovermyselfandletherhavethismoment.
“You!Come!”MadelinesummonedoneofherslavestostandinfrontofLeah.Iheld

ontoherhipsandcontinuedfuckingher.TheSwellwassodeepinmethattherewas
nothingthatcouldkillthemoodforme.

There was an opening in the slave’s attire that I hadn’t noticed before, which

exposedanerectcock.Leahputitinhermouth.

“Goodgirl,”Madelineencouragedherandcontinuedtospeak.“Let’sgettwococks

inthatmouth.”

She motioned to another slave and the slave came close. Leah was licking and

suckingbothcocksgoingfromonetoanothereagerly.Madelinemotionedforthelast
slave to approach, the three slaves crowded around Leah and she had a suck fest,
shovingasmuchcockinhermouthaspossible.Shewasmakingsounds,grunting,and
gasping.Leahcalledout,“Fuckmytightlittleass.”

“Yes!Yes!”Madelineshouted,shewaspleasedwitheverythingandbeganwhipping

herslaves.Shecontinuedshoutingasshewhippedthem,“Fuckherprettyface,Iwant
toseeyoucum.”

MadelineturnedherattentiontoLeah’spussy,shovingherblackvibratingbillystick

inher.AllthreeofherslaveswerejackingoffonmydearLeah’sface,Leah’stongue
was out. To my surprise, Madeline stuck her tongue in my mouth, kissing me
passionately.It was exactly whatI needed, Leah’s assfelt good, and kissing Madeline
whilefuckingLeahwasbetterthanseeingthejerk-offpartyinfrontofme.

“CumformeJack,”Madelinewhisperedinmyear.Shepulledatmyballswhileshe

shovedhertoyintoLeah’spussy.Madelinerepeatedthewordslikeamantra,“Cumfor

meJack.”

IwasfuckingLeahfastandhard,Iwasatthemercyofthemoment,simplyallowing

ittohappen.Ifelttheenergypouringintomycock.

“CumformeJack.”
I released. It was more powerful than the first time, I shot my hot cum deep into

Leah’s ass. I was so involved with fucking her ass I barely noticed the three slaves
shootingcumalloverherface.

“C’monLeah,letitallout!”MadelinewasyellingatLeahwhileshedominatedher

cunt.Leahwasclearlycumming,Madelineclearlywantedeverylastdrop.Leahgavea
viscerallowscreamashercumgushedoutofher.

“Getlost,”Madeline’sslavesdisappearedintotheshadows.
LeahandIsatfacingeachother,shewasdrenchedincum.Shewassoftlyrunning

herhandupanddownmycockthatwasamazinglystillhard.Iwasrunningmyfinger
upanddownherpussyslowly.TheSwellkeptusgoing,westartedrubbingeachother
harder.Wewereinaveryprimitivestate,twocavepeoplestrokingeachother.

“I would love to carry on kids but that stuff could make you fuck yourselves to

death,”Madelinesaidasshecamedownononekneebetweenusandtookthetwovials
fromaroundherneck,openedthem,andhandeduseachone.

“Thereisonlyonewayoutofthis,”Madelinespokecalmly,“anylastwords?”
“’Alaska,”Ianswered.
Madelinelaughed,“Bottomsup,bothofyou.”
LeahandIlookedateachotherandshotbackwhateverwasinthevials.
Theroomwentdark,andIdriftedaway.

CHAPTER12

wokeupathomeonmycouch.IttookmeamomenttorealizewhereIwas.Itriedto

raise my head but the room was spinning and I couldn’t move. Leah! Was she O.K.?
HowdidIgethome?Istruggledtomyfeet,foundmyphone,andsentLeahatext.

AreyouO.K?
Iwaitedforananswerbutdidnotreceiveone.ThenextseveralhoursIlaidinbed,

checkingmyphoneforareply.Noreplycame.

I considered driving to her house but I wasn’t feeling right and knew I shouldn’t

drive. Day turned to night and still no reply to several messages. I called her, it rang
andrang.Iwaswaitingforvoicemail,buttomysurprisesheanswered.

“HiJack.”
“Leah!AreyouO.K.?”
“I’vefeltbetter.”
“Whereareyou?”
“Home.”
“Doyouwantmetocomeover?”
“Nodon’tcomeover.LookJackIthinkI’mdone.”
“Ohgod,metoo,I’vehadenough.”
“NoImeanus.Iwanttomoveon.”
“Oh,O.K.,welllook...”
“Idon’twanttoseeyouagainJack.”
“Irealizethatwasallabitmuch,trustmethingswentfurtherthenIwantedthem

to,butIthoughtthatwaswhatyouwanted.”

“JackIgottago.”
“AlrightLeah,Iguessthat’sitthen.”
“Takecare.”
And that was it, the phone went silent and she was gone. I couldn’t remember

havingeverbeendumpedbefore,andallofasudden,Ifeltveryaloneinmybighouse.
It figures that when I finally fall in love I react by diving into the deep end of
Madeline’s.Iwasnotsureofmythoughtprocess;nothingmadesenseanymore.Ihad
thoughtIwashelpingherinsomeway.Clearly,Ifuckedup.Icouldmoveonfromthis,
I kept telling myself I could forget her. I stayed in bed and ordered food, nursed my
wounds,andtriedtocomebacktolife.

ThealarmMondaymorningfeltlikeadrillthroughmyskull,Idraggedmyselfout

ofbedandintotheshower.Iwaslevelingoutasthemorningprogressed.Therewasa

messagefromRobsayinghehadmybikeathisplace,Ihadaskedhimtodriveithome
atsomepoint.

On my way out of the house, I ripped off the screen door. I lost my mind for a

moment, I took all my frustrations out on that piece of shit screen door. I kicked it
downthestairs,pickeditup,punchedaholeinit,thenthrewitintothestreet.Iyelled
atthetopofmylungs.

“Fuuuck!”
I told myself that I wouldn’t let myself think about Leah, but when I passed

PrincevilleonthewayintoworkIfeltapanginmyheart.Iwouldgetoverthis.“Fuck
it!”IsaidoutloudwhileIraceddownthehighway.

When I got to the office and saw Heather, I sensed something was up. Heather

lookedupatmefrombehindherreadingglasses.“HelloDr.Willow.”

“HelloHeather.”
Yes,Iamadoctor.Heatherworksthereceptiondeskandkeepsmylifeinorder.I

amapsychologist,Ispecializeintreatingoddsexualbehavior.Iwasnotexactlyfeeling
qualifiedthismorningsoIhopedmyfirstpatientwasnotaheavyone.Inoticedthere
was no one in the waiting room and I didn’t have any of my regulars on Monday
morningsoIwasoptimistic.

“WhatdowehavethismorningHeather?”
Heatherpassedmeafileandreplied,“Ms.Jenson.Thisisherfirsttimehere,andshe

iswaitingintheoffice.”

“O.K.,whatabouttherestoftheday?”
“Wehaveatwoo’clockwithMr.Collingwood,otherwiseyourscheduleisclear.”
Mr. Collingwood was undergoing some experimental treatment following prostate

surgery.Hislastvisitshowedpromisingresults.

“Dr. Willow...” Heather paused, took off her reading glasses, and thought for a

moment.“Wouldyoulikeacoffee?”

“Nothankyou.”
Heatherwasactingstrange.Iopenedthedoortomyofficeandwalkedintoavoid

anyfurtheridlechitchat.

Ilookeddownatthefiletotrytogatherinformationonmynewpatient.
“Ms.Jenson,howcanIhelpyoutoday?”
“Whatthefuck?”
ThefamiliarvoicewasLeah’s.Ilookedupandsawhersittingonthepatientcouch.

LeahJenson.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”sheasked.
“Iamadoctor,thisismyoffice,”Ianswered.
“Thiscan’tbehappening.”Leahburiedherheadinherhands.
Isatdowninmychairbehindmydesk.“Well,thisisaninterestingsituation.”
IassumedshedidnotrecognizeHeatherwithouthermask.Leahdidn’tlookup,she

kept her face hidden behind her hands. Slowly she looked up at me, her eyes looked
bewilderedandsad.

MyinnocentLeahJenson,lookatyounow.

CHAPTER13

yheartbegantoraceandIfeltsweatbeneathmyclothes.MyofficewasaplaceI

wasalwaysincontrol,andatease;atthatmoment,Iwasneither.Imadeeveryeffortto
conceal my unraveling. There Leah was, sitting on the same couch countless other
patientshavebeforeher,clutchingapillowonherlapandreturningmygazewithan
unreadableexpression.

“Ithoughtyoudidn’twanttoseemeagain?”Myvoicewassoftandladenwithfalse

confidence.

Leahrecoiled,herbodytwistinginconfusion,herhandsraisedindefense.
“Look,Jack,Ihadnoidea.Ilookeduptherapist,sexual...”shetrailedoffandburied

herhandsinherface.“I’mgoingtogo;thisistoomuch.”

AsLeahslidforwardonthecouchIfeltapanginmychest,surelythiswouldbethe

lasttimeIwouldseeher.Shestood,andIstoodwithher.Iwalkedaroundmydeskand
blockedherroutetothedoor.Nowordswerespokenforwhatfeltlikeaneternity.The
roomhummedwithsilence,onlyourshortquickbreathscouldbeheard.

“Justwait,”Isaidinawhisper.
“WhatareyoudoingJack?Youdon’texpecttobemyshrinkdoyou?”
“No,”Ianswered.“Maybewecouldjusttalkforaminute,Iwantyoutostay.Please

sitdown?”

“IbarelyknowyouJack,orDoctorWillow,orwhoeveryouare.Tobehonestyou

areabigpartofthereasonIwaslookingforsomekindofhelp.Youarethelastperson
Ineedtositdownandtellmysecretsto.”

“Who said anything about telling secrets? I just want to know what happened. I

wanttoknowwhyyoudisappeared.Iwanttoknowifyou’reO.K.”

“PleasegetoutofthewayJack.”
A feeling of desperation washed over me, I was losing this standoff and she was

slipping away. I blocked her exit and she walked into me, her face full of emotion
tighteningintoanger.ShewassocloseIcouldsmellherfamiliarsmell.Iheldherarms,
stoppingherfrompushingmeoutoftheway.

“You’reright,Leah,youdon’tknowwhoIam.SitdownandIwillansweranything

youwant.”Ispokeinawhispersomynosysecretarycouldn’thear.Weremainedina
stiff stare, a slight struggle pushed us against the door. Surely Heather heard the
rumbleandwasdrawingconclusions.

“Stop,”shequipped.
“Please.”

“Whoareyou?”
“Stay,Iwilltellyouanythingyouwanttoknow,juststay,”Isaidfirmly.
“Fuckoff.”
“Stay,”Isaidsoftly.
“Why?”
“Stay,”Iwhispered.
Myhandswerestillholdingher,butmygripwaslightandIwasnolongerblocking

her from the exit. I let go and slowly backed away as if I just opened the cage of a
captiveanimal.Ispokeinacalmandhonestvoice,“Iamnottryingtobeyourdoctor
here, I am not trying to fix you. I am not sure I can fix anyone. I am broken, I am
alone,andIjustwanttotalktoyou.”

Theairintheroomchangedandsodidshe.Leahbrushedpassedme,walkedpast

thecouch,andsatinmychairbehindmydesk.Herlegsswungoverthedeskasshe
leanedback.Ididnotlikethis.

“Takeaseat,”shesaidasshemotionedtothecouch.
AlthoughIdidnotlikehersittingatmydesk,shedidlookbeautifulwithhercowgirl

boots crossed. She leaned down and to the side, opening the drawers and rifling
through them. She looked confident and beautiful, enough so that I let her continue
riflingthroughmythings,therewerenotreasurestobefound,atleastnotwhereshe
waslooking.

“So doctor, where shall we begin?” She punctuated the statement by snapping the

drawerclosed.

I lowered myself onto the edge of the couch and sat, folding my arms over my

knees. I imagined I was one of my patients and scanned the room. I would not be
sitting behind the desk as Leah was during a session, I would be sitting in the chair
across from the patient’s couch. It was surprisingly easy to put myself in the role of
patientjustbysittinginthisseat.IthinkifIhadbeenatmydeskorevenintheother
chairitwouldhavebeendifferent.

“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
Leahlookedattheceilingwithadevilishsmile.Isensedthetoneofthisbackward

session was ill intentioned. I wanted Leah to keep control, at least a sense of control,
butshewascomingfromasinisterplace.LeahbegantospeakbutIcutheroff,“Rules.”

“Rules?”
“IfIamgoingtolaymyselfoutforyou,Ineedtohavesomekindofboundaries.”
Leahrolledhereyes.“Goon.”
“Youaresittinginthecaptain’schair;Ithinkyoushouldtakethelead,”Isuggested.
“Istheresomethingspecificyoudonotwanttotalkabout?”
“Notreally.”
Leahswungherlegsoffmydeskandpulledherselfcloser,“O.K.,howaboutasafe

word?”

Ilaughed,“O.K.,asafeword.Whatshallitbe?”
“Hawaii,” Leah said plainly. She continued, “How many times have you taken a

womantotheLondonRoomtohaveyourwaywiththem?”

“Once.”
“IthoughtwewerebeinghonesthereJack.”

“Once,”Iamnoangelbutithappenedtobetrue.
“Ok, I am not sure where to begin,” Leah spoke, looking into the distance and

thinkingoutloud.“Iguesswewillstartatthebeginning.Wherediditallstart?Where
didyougrowup?IsyournamereallyJackWillow?”

‘’Yes,mynameisJackWillow.Igrewuponmyfamily’sfarmabout200milesnorth

of Bonneville. Today the house and the barn are derelict and abandoned, but when I
wasakiditwasfulloflifeandagreatplacetogrowup.”

“Whathappenedtothefarm?”
“It was just me and my parents; it was a small operation and could barely sustain

itself. My mother got sick, and passed away. I think the dream of farming was more
hers.Afterthatmyfathertookajobatalocalfactory,andwelivedinthehouseuntilI
leftforcollege.”

“Youbreezedthroughthatpartofthestoryquickly.”
“Timeisnotonourside;Idohaveanotherappointmentinfifteenminutes.”
“Whatwereyoulikeasakid?Alittleladykiller?”
“I don’t know, maybe. I remember my first kiss, we were quite young, hiding

behind a shed. Our mouths were locked together and our tongues did all the work, I
can remember how I felt like I was committing the worst crime in history. I wanted
nothing more than things to advance but I did not know to what. I wanted it to last
forever,butwhentheyoungladygiggledandpulledaway,Iwantednothingmorethan
for her to go away and to never tell a soul of the terrible crime that just happened. I
thinkIwasalittlemeantoherafterthat.Itdidn’ttakelongbeforeIwaschasingthe
poorgirlaroundbegginghertoreturntothespotbehindtheshed.”

“Boysneverchange.”
“Maybethatistrue.”
“Ok,firstkissstory,notbad,butlet’smovealongsinceyouarekickingmeoutina

fewminutes.”

“WhencanIseeyouagainLeah?”
“AreyoutryingtogetmebehindtheshedJack?”
“Iwanttodothisagain,thisexactly.Iwillsithereandyoucanaskwhateveryou

want,wewillpickupwhereweleftoff.”Iwasspeakingfromthepartofmethattakes
overinawkwardsituations,IsatandwatchedasIspoke.“Thiswasaconsultationvisit,
fartooshort.Comenextweekforanhour.”

“Youdon’tplanonchargingme,doyou?”Leahlaughedasshespoke.
“It’sonme,justshowup.”
“Idon’tthinkIwilldothat,”Leahspokedismissively,butIcouldseeafamiliarcurl

ofherlip.Itremindedmeofwhenwefirstmet,itwasmuchmorenaturalforher.She
hadbeenputtingonadismissive,combative,rebelliousact;peopleactstrangelywhen
theyfeeltheyarebeinghunted.Iwastryingtowinheroverandittakesmanybattles
towinawar.AsIopenedmymouthtospeakwordsIhadnotyetcomputed,Iwascut
offbythechimeoftheintercomsystem.

“Dr.Willow,yourtwoo’clockishere.”
LeahandIwerequietforamomentandstaredeasilyatoneanother,thecurlofher

lipremained.Iletoutaslowbreathandpattedmyknees;themomentwasover,brief
butinteresting.Leahstoodupwithconfidence,Islowlystoodandpositionedmyselfin

a way that politely showed her the path to the door. I did not want to keep Mr.
Collingwood waiting. He was a terrific patient. I have learned a lot from him, even
whenmyearlyexperimentsdidn’tfarewell,hekeptsomeoptimism.Hehadavoice
thatwasdeepandpenetratedwalls;IcouldhearhimtalkingtoHeather.Itwastimeto
concludemymeetingwithLeah.

“Sametimenextweek?”Iasked.
Leahwasbitingherlipandlookedatthefloorasshewalkedtothedoor,herboots

loudontheold,hardwoodfloor.Therewasstillahintofasmileatthecornerofher
mouth,shefoundsomeamusementinthis,whichwasgood.

“Maybethisisgoodbye,”shesaidwithherhandonthedoorhandle.
I didn’t respond, I had nothing to say. She swung open the door and slid out. I

followed.IquicklyaddressedHeather,“MissSinclair,pleasemakeanappointmentfor
MissJensonnextweek.”

“No,”Leahsaid,shestoppedwalkingbutdidnotfacemeorHeather.“IwillcallifI

canmakeit.”LeahturnedtoHeather,“Thankyou.”WiththatLeahtriedtowalkaway
butIfollowedafterhertothestairwell.

“Ms.Jenson,pleasecalloremailsowefindatimethatworksforyou.”Ispokeas

professionallyasIcouldbecauseIhadanaudience.Dr.McCormickwaslingering,and
of course Heather and Mr. Collingwood, all of whom were doing an awful job at
pretendingtonotbelistening.Iheldoutmybusinesscardlikeastatue,shepulledthe
card from my hand and disappeared down the stairs. I turned back to the reception
area, and everyone was pretending not to sense the inappropriate nature of our
relationship. Well, Dr. McCormick could have done a better job concealing his
suspicions.

Dr. McCormick’s office is across from mine. We share reception and some other

thingstohelpwithcosts,anarrangementIdeeplyregretted.Healwayshadahard-on
forHeatherandwasconstantlychest-beatingbyherdesk.Hewasextremelyjealousof
the relationship between the two of us and would try to figure out if something was
goingon.Whenhewasn’tdoingthat,hewasalwaystryingtoone-upmeinridiculous
superficial ways. After his brief monologues, Heather and I would exchange a quick
knowingglancethatclearlycommunicatedoursecretnicknameforhim;Dr.Putz.

“Jack,howwasyourweekend?”Dr.Putzasked,buthedidn’twaitforananswerand

continued,“Iwentkayaking,whitewater.Iteach,youknow.”HepattedHeather’sdesk
andstruttedtohisoffice.HeatherandIdidn’thavetolookateachother.Sometimes
whenyouknowsomeonewell,youdon’thavetolook.

“Mr.Collingwood,”IsaidasImotionedtomyoffice.
Once the door closed behind us I called Mr. Collingwood by his first name, Doug,

andstartedthingsoffbyasking,“So,Doug,howisyourpenisdoing?”Hislaughfilled
the room and I joined him, his laughter contagious. He had the kind of laugh that
began deep and full and ended with a high-pitched cry, and with the very last of his
breath,hewouldsay,“Ahhfuck.”

Wehadagoodsession,hisdickwasfine.
Itwasanotabusyday.WhenMr.Collingwoodleft,thesunwasstillhighinthesky

andthedaywasmine.ItriedtowalkpastHeatherwithjustapleasantfarewell,butshe
wasnothavingit.

“Iguessthatmaskofmineisarealdisguise,shedidn’trecognizeme.”
Ididn’trespond,Iknewwhereshewasgoing.
“IhopeyouhadyourfunJack,butshecan’tcomeherelikethis.”
Heatherwasgettingherthingstogethersinceitwastheendofherdaytoo,andwe

walkedoutsidetogether.Idon’tknowifitispossibletoexplainmyrelationshipwith
Heather;Iamnotclearifwelike,love,orhateeachother.LikemanywomenIhave
been with, Heather is in constant pursuit of validation and I think she seeks it, in
particular, from me. We know each other very well; we have always needed each
other.Wemetshortlyafterhighschoolandbecamefastfriends,buttherewasoftena
meannessonbothofourparts.Infact,wehavegonethroughthesamecyclesincethe
daywemet;shewouldbuildmeup,tellmewhatIneededtohearatthetime,getme
hard,makemecum,thenemotionallytearmeapart.

IwouldswearIwouldnotletthecyclecontinuebut,ifthetimingwasright,andshe

gavemethesignalbyputtinghertongueinthecornerofhermouth,Iwouldgotothat
other place. The place where I lacked self-control and reason. We rarely had sex; we
would kiss, I would pull my dick out and she would begin her head-fuck game of
almostputtingitinhermouthbutnotquite.Shewouldsaythatitwaswrongandshe
wasgoingtostopadozentimesandIwouldfoolishlybelieveherandbeghertostay
andcontinue.Thiswouldlastforsometime;sheknewonceIcame,thefunpartofthis
crudecyclewasover.Therewouldbeabriefmomentwhenshewouldburymedeep
inherthroat,butshewouldmostlytalktomeandteaseme,alwaysontheverge,but
rarelyfollowingthough.SometimesIwouldcumafterthisroutine,butifshepushedit
toolong,assheoftendid,Iwouldtakeover;takecontrol.

Eithershewouldbarelygivemeablowjobwithadirtymonologue,orIwouldtit

fuckher.That’sright,Iwouldstraddleher,pushthosebigwhitetitsaroundmycock
and do my thing. The dear Lord built Heather for that; she would push her breasts
together and guide my dick with her hand so it didn’t pop out. It was always a sexy
sighttoseethetipofmydickpulsingunderherchinandbelowherneck.Watchingmy
cumspilloutonherneckandcheekswassimplybeautiful.Butthenitwasover,and
we were done with each other. She would get mean and I would get dismissive, that
wasourroutine.Ithadbecomeincreasinglyrareandithadbeensometimesinceour
lastencounter,inthereceptionarea.

Buthavingknownherforoverfifteenyears,oursexualencounterswereonlyone

aspectofourrelationship.ImayhavebeendismissiveattimesbutIwasalwaysthere.
ShewasmeanashellattimesbutIknewshewouldlistenwhenitcounted,ifIreally
neededanearshewouldbethere.Ithadnevercrossedmymindtohaveatraditional
relationshipwithHeather,Idon’tthinkitevercrossedhers.Thefactwas,wecouldn’t
standbeingaroundoneanothermorethanafewhours.Manyyearsago,wewentfora
weekenddownsouthbutwedamnnearkilledeachotheronceourroutinewasover.It
always amazed me that I rarely made her cum, it was always about me. I used to
wonderhowvalidationcouldbeenoughtodrivesomeone.

HeatherandIaredearfriendsthathatebeingaroundeachotherandoccasionally

have strange and possibly unhealthy sexual encounters. There is the work side of
things but we have found boundaries, and to be honest, I have never considered
workingwithanyoneelse.Atthatmoment,wewereinworkmode,andIknewshehad

mybestinterestinmind.Westoppedwalkingwhereourpathstoourvehiclessplit.

“HaveyourfunJack,butnothere,it’snotyourstyle.”Heathertookastepcloserand

spokeinaquietvoice,eventhoughtherewasnoonearound.“Thisisn’tMadeline’s.”
Heatherwalkedofftohercarandwishedmeagoodnightoverhershoulder.Standing
aloneintheparkinglot,InoticedDr.McCormickinthewindowupstairs.Iwavedbut
hedidnotreturnthegesture.

IdrovebyLeah’sexitonthehighway,listeningtotheradioniceandloud,asong

called“LastRide”setthetone.Mytruckknewthewayhome.IsmokedaTrinidadCigar
andhadaglassofTrinitasElementisredwineontheporchandsentshortmessagesto
randompeopleonmyphonetoseewhofeltlikechatting.Robmessagedback:

Festivalisconfirmed,wearein!Theysaidtheywantedsomethingnostalgicontheline

up.Lol

Nostalgic?Iguesstheotherbandswerenearlyhalfourage.Iwascavalieraboutthis

giguntilIreceivedthatmessage.Oldtimers?MythoughtswentintoaspinsoItooka
longdrawofmycigarandfinishedmywine.Myminddancedbetweenplayingsucha
large crowd, and Leah sitting at my desk. Nostalgic? I was only thirty-three, I only
started figuring things out in my thirties. There were a ton of bands on this festival,
somebignames.Wemaynotbetheheadlineactbutwewillbethebandthatstealsthe
show. I smoked my cigar with a grimace and dreamed of the moment. It always
amazedmehowpeoplecanbesodrivenbytheneedforvalidation.

COULDN

’

SLEEP

.Ilovethatwinebutitalwayskeptmeawakeforsomereason.Iwasn’t

sureifitwaslateatnightorearlyinthemorning.IwillsticktomyChimaybeernext
time and leave the wine. A chirp from my phone told me I had a work email, a
welcomeddistractionfrommythoughts:

ROM

:LeahJenson

Subject:Againstmybetterjudgment
HeyJack,
Icancomenextweek,howdoesWednesday3pmwork?

WANTED

toaskherwhatshewasdoing,askwhyshewasawake,Iwantedtotalktoher,

butIkeptmyresponsebrief:

From:Dr.JackWillow
Subject:REAgainstmybetterjudgment
Iamhappytohearthat,seeyouthen.
Dr. Jack Willow MD Psychiatrist Specialist-Impulse Control Disorders Emergency

contact:250-555-3963

CHAPTER14

hiswasnotmyfavoritetimeofday,Iprefermornings,justmealonewiththeworld.

Dinner time is O.K., the main event of the day, and after the main event, no one is
expected to be overly productive. Time of day cannot be used as an excuse in the
afternoon, but the afternoon is precisely when my mind often takes a break and
switchesontheautopilotbutton.SometimesIthinkIcouldjustdreammylifeaway,
takelonghikesintheafternoonsun,dreaming.Motorcyclerideswiththerichlightofa
sunset on my back lighting my way, dreaming. Morning coffee, just existing. The
autopilotwasdoingitsjobandIwasinadream.Ididn’tthinkaboutherinaconscious
way,Ididn’tseeher;Ifelther.It’slikeawarmlight,likebeinginaperfectlysoftbed
underablanketthatprotectedyoufromtheworld.

“Ithinkourtimeisup.”
ThatisusuallymylinebutthistimeMrs.Burkbrokemyspell.Iquicklyswitchedoff

theautopilotandtookthewheel.Ihadbeengivingnon-committalresponsestoherfor
thelasttwentyminutes.Shedetectedmydistance,andIfeltherfrustration.Ilookedat
the time and indeed she was correct, our time was up. I don’t believe there is such a
thingasaclassiccase,everyonehastheirownpersonalsituation.Butiftherewerea
classic case, Mrs. Burk would fit the bill. There is no cure for perpetual need for
validation, although I did give her something for Chlamydia. I continued to be non-
committalandusheredheroutthedoor.

The waiting room was empty. It was still early but usually clients would show up

wellbeforetheirstarttime.Clients?Sheofcoursewasnotaclient.

IwaslookingoutofawindowtoseeifIcouldspothertruckwhileMrs.Burkspoke

withHeather.ItremindedmeofwhenIwasachildandafriendwascomingoverto
playandIwouldwaitbythewindow.Hertruckwasnowheretobeseen.Thewaythe
sun was flooding into the room made the window look dirty. I briefly thought about
howIcouldpossiblyaskHeathertocleanthewindowsbutthatwouldnotgooverwell.
Thewindowswouldremaindirtyandlifewouldgoon.Icuppedmyhandsaroundmy
eyestotryandseethroughthewindowbetter.Myofficereallywasinanicespot.The
streets are cobblestone, they have been there so long the stones are shifted and
uneven, and the color looks burned. Texada is a very old town with a rich history. I
wonderedifIwouldbeapartofthathistory.Iwonderediftheymadeadocumentary
about Texada a hundred years from now would I be a significant part of the film or
wouldImerelybeanextratomaketheproductionlookreal?Isquintedthroughthe
dirty window and watched people saunter in and out of the coffee shop next door,

wheretheywouldsurelyfilmtheinterviewswithlocals.Icouldpictureanolderman
in a peacoat sitting on a bench in perfect focus, all the out-of-focus extras in the
background clinking cups, together making the perfect rumble of idle chit chat.
Obviouslystaged,peopledon’ttalkanymoreandwon’tinahundredyears.Ifthemusic
is ever turned off in a coffee shop, it’s terrifying. Everyone looks around guiltily, like
theirfilthythoughtsweresuddenlyexposed;drinkingcoffeenakedandashamed.With
the gentle music pulsing, everyone is safe. The old man in the peacoat is perfect and
hasneverhadaguiltythoughtinhislife.Hehasaself-righteoussmileandtalksofthe
maddoctorthathadanofficeacrossthestreet.

“Youknow,hewasastrangeman,Ididn’tcareforhim.Ineversawalocalgotohis

office,onlypeoplefromout-of-town,fromthecity.Hedidn’tlooklikeadoctor,Iheard
thathewoulddrughispatientsandtherewassomekindofyouknow...sexstuff.”

ThesonginmyimaginarycafégotlouderanddrownedoutMr.Peacoatandallthe

extras.Istartedtappingmyfootandsingingalongtoasongcalled“IWonder”bySixto
Rodriguez. I was singing quietly and swaying side to side, gazing out the window,
feeling the sun on my face. I saw Mrs. Burk walk into the coffee shop. A gentleman
openedthedoorforherandshegavehimfuck-meeyesthatlithimupandprobably
madehisday.Ibegansingingalittlelouderandmyvoicereverberatedoffthewindow,
takingmeoutofmyheadandbackintothereceptionroom.ThepainfulsoundofDr.
McCormick’sdooropeningstoppedthesongwithascreech.

“Dr.Jack.”Hewalkedbytothewatercooler.Ididn’treply.Thoughthedistanceto

myofficewasconsiderable,Ifocusedonthedoor;Iwasdeterminedtomakeittobase
withoutfurtherengagementfromDr.Putz.ItookafewstepswhenIrealizedthiswas
notpossible.

“Lookslikeyouhavealimpthere.”
“Yeah,Iprobablyranalittletoohardthismorning.”
“I used to teach people how to run, down at the running room store. It’s amazing

how many people don’t know how to run properly. Look, Jack, have you thought
anymoreaboutbringinginmyguy?”

Weeks ago he proposed some remodeling to make room for another doctor. This

wasanoldfriendofhis,hisreasoningwastoreduceoverheadcosts,butreally,hewas
tryingtotakeoverthespace;thisotherdoctorwasanextensionofhimself.Heknew
he was the third wheel and was constantly made fun of by me and Heather. Dr.
McCormickwasalwayssomehowjealousofme,butnowIwasinthewayofhisplans.
Jealouslycanbedangerous.

“Wedon’thavethespaceforthat.”
ItwastheshortestanswerIcouldcomeupwith.IamnotconfrontationalbutIcan

be intimidating and would never let anyone walk over me. He deflated slightly and
madeanefforttopumphimselfupagain.Hemotionedwhereawallcouldbeputup
and said, “We can put a wall here, and extend through there. We don’t need such a
largewaitingroom.”

“Look, you asked, and I can’t.” I walked toward Heather and left him with his

fantasy renovation. “Any word from Ms. Jenson?” I looked at my watch, it was after
three.

“Ihavenotheardfromher.Ifshedoesnotshowupthatwillbetheendoftheday.I

amcaughtup,sogentlemen,ifyoudon’tmind,Iamcallingitaday.”Heatherstoodup
andtookhercoatofftherack.Dr.McCormickleanedonawallandwatchedHeather
gatherherthingswhilehespoke.

“Ms.Jenson,isthatthewomanfromlastweek?”
HeatherandIexchangedalookthathenoticed.Itwasstrangeforhimtoaskabout

apatient.HeatherandDr.McCormickexchangedalooktoo.

“LovetostayandchatbutIhaveplacestobe.Goodnightgents,”Heatherspokeas

she strutted away, causing me to roll my eyes and Dr. McCormick to posture. He
disappearedintohisoffice,leavingmealoneinthereceptionarea.Itwasveryempty;
therewasusuallyatleastonepersoninthewaitingroomatthistimeofday.IIooked
aroundandthoughtaboutwhatitwouldtaketowalkawayfromitall.Mypatientsare
whatkeepmehere.Iheardthedooropenandcloseandsomeonewalkupthestairs.I
would have been very disappointed if it were Heather coming back for forgotten car
keys.ItwasLeah.

Ithoughtaboutthisallweek;howshewouldlook,wouldIgetcloseenoughtosmell

her? Would I be able to resist temptation? I loved everything about this. I wouldn’t
crossthelinebutthemerethoughtwasenoughtomakesomethingboilupinsideme.

“Areyouclosed?”sheaskedasshetookherlastfewstepsupthestairs.Astained-

glasswindowlitthestairwellandwrappedherinwarmlight.

“Hey,”Ismiledandspokeasun-doctorlyasIcould.“Thanksforcoming.”Iwalked

towardmyofficeandshefollowed.“HowwasthemarketlastSunday?”Itriedtonot
lookherupanddown.

“It’sslowingdown,”sheansweredwithavoicefullofhealthandpersonality.
IinstinctivelywalkedbehindmydeskasInormallywouldtogathermynotes.
“Ahem,Ibelievethatismyspot,”shespokewithherhandsonherhips.Shelooked

damn good with her cowboy boots, flattering jeans, and white tank top. I would do
anything she asked. I gladly took my seat on the patient’s sofa. I had been looking
forwardtothisallweek.

“Sowhythedoublelife?Whythesecrecy?”Leahseemedtobeplayingtheroleof

detectiveratherthandoctor.

“Ireallydon’tknowtheanswertothat.Ihavealwaysbeenaveryprivateperson;I

don’tlikewhensomeoneknowstoomuchaboutme.Itgivesmecomforttoknowthat
anyonepersoncannotaffecteverypartofmylife.”

“Ifeelsoprivileged,”shesaidsarcastically.
“Youshould.”Ishiftedonthecouchandreadiedmyselfforhernextquestion.
“Isthisthereasonyourbanddoesn’ttouranymore?Didyouonlytourintheearly

daystopayforschoolorsomething?”

“I was very lucky. School was paid for, as was most of my house. My early

inheritancegavemeafewadvantages.LikeIsaid,therewasalmostnowealthinmy
formativeyears.Mymothermusthavemadeadyingwishforus.”

“I’msorryforyourloss,Iknowhowthatfeels.”Hertonewaswarmandsincere.
“Haveyoulostaparent?”Iasked.
Leah shuffled in her seat and answered with a caring smile, “It’s my turn to be

askingthequestions.”

“Fairenough,”Ireplied.

“So why then, why stop touring? It seems like it would be fun, it seems like you

wouldloveit.Iwouldloveit.Ilovetraveling.”

“Ilovehome.”
“Ilovehometoo,butitseemslikesucharareopportunitytotraveltheworldlike

that.IfIhadamilliondollarsyouwouldneverseemeagain.”

“If I had a million dollars you would never see me either, because I would be

home.”

“Oh, come on Jack. Are you really a grumpy old homebody? No more sense of

adventure?IthinkImayhaveyouallwrong.”

“When I was a teenager and I couldn’t get to sleep, I would always do the same

thing.Iwouldimaginebuildingahouse.Itwouldbemine,aplacenoonecouldtake
away, every corner would be thought out. The recording studio, the kitchen, the
outdoorshower.”Atthatweexchangedalook.Shelookedsobeautifulthatnightwe
were together in her shower. I smiled and continued, “I never stopped building that
housethroughoutmytwenties.Intheearlydays,whenwewouldsleeponthefloorof
someflat,IwouldclosemyeyesandimagineIwasinmyownbed,inmyownhouse.”

“Itsoundslikeyoudidn’tlikethoseyears.”
“Ilovedthoseyears.Iamjusttalkingaboutoneaspectofthem.Peopletendtogloss

over the highlights when recounting the past, especially when people talk about
traveling.Myhomeissomethingthatcannotbetakenawayfromme.WhenIcouldn’t
get to sleep at night, I didn’t imagine escaping to new places on the other side of the
globe,Iwasbuildingmyhomeinmymind.”

“Itisnotaboutescape;itisaboutdiscovering.”
“WhenIgotothehideaway,itisaboutescape.”
“Thehideaway?”
“AbeachhouseIhavebeenfixingupforthelastfouryears.Itisfarfromthecity,

butthatiswhyIgotitsocheap.”

“Iamintrigued,butthatisnottraveling.”
“IloveBonneville,butitgetsdarkandcoldinthewinter.Afewweeksofwhite-sand

beachesdon’thurt.Besides,thehideawayismine,itisanextensionofmyhome.”

“Beachhouse?Earlyinheritanceisn’tabaddeal.”
“Well,thatlittlefarmIgrewuponwasjustenoughland,andjustcloseenoughto

the city, to be worth quite a bit. My father got an offer he could not refuse from a
cooperation that wanted the land to build a casino of all things, so he sold. But there
wassomekindofredtapeissueandthecasinowasneverbuilt.”

IwasenjoyingbeingwithLeahinthisstrangedynamic,hereinmyoffice.Wewere

becomingmorecomfortablewitheachotherwitheverypassingmoment.Welooked
ateachothereasily,andbothlightlylaughed.Itwasanexchangethatprovedwewere
gettingcomfortablewitheachother.ButIfeltthiswasgettingboring,likeIwasgoing
throughthebulletpointsofmylife.Iwasstaringather,gettingloststudyingherface.
Wehadgrowncomfortablewitheachotherbutthesilencewaslingering,soIspoke.

“YousaidIwasthereasonyouwereseekinghelp?”
“IguessIdid,butthatisnotexactlytrue,”shespokedismissively.
“Iknowwhyyoufeelyouneedhelp.”
“Oh,youdo,doyou?”

“IthinkIdo.”
Leah stood up and walked to the window. It was clear she was getting

uncomfortable,theroomgettingsmallforher.Shecrossedherarmsandtouchedher
lip with the back of her thumb, thinking. I was not sure what was going through her
mind but I had my suspicions. Swell has a certain look, every drug does. You do not
havetobeamindreadertoseeit,youjusthavetoknowit.IhappentoknowthatSwell
doesnothaveanyaddictiveproperties,butpeoplecangethookedonallkindsofthings
purelyonaphysicallevel.

“Youareforgettingtherulesdoctor,Iwillbeaskingthequestionstoday.”Shespoke

inawhisperedauthoritativetonethatawokesomethinginmeIwasdesperatelytrying
tokeepatbay.Bothofherarmswerecrossedasshequietlyscoldedme.Shecontinued,
“WhoisMadeline?”

CHAPTER15

hoisMadeline?

I was not expecting her to ask that, but I suppose it was a valid question. Any

conversationinevitablyturnstotalkingaboutothers;wedidnothavemanycommon
acquaintances and Madeline was by far the most intriguing. I had a habit of
compartmentalizingmylifeandLeahwaswalkingfreely,wherevershepleased.Itwas
relieving. It takes energy to keep things contained, the feeling of letting go is like no
other. I sat back and crossed one leg over the other, looked across the room out the
half-openedwindow.Soundsoflifespilledintotheroom,peopletalking,carsrumbling
by on the cobble street. The afternoon breeze made the white curtain dance. Who is
Madeline? I thought before I spoke, sometimes you can describe the same thing a
thousand different ways. I owe much of who I am and what I have become to her,
althoughIoftenquestionedifIamhappywiththeresults.Ihadachoiceofwhatbrush
Iwouldusetopaintthispicture,wealwaysdo.

“Shewasmyprofessor,”Iwasstillgazingoutthewindowasthewordsfellfrommy

mouth.

Leahlaughedlightlyinsurprise,“Jack,Jack,Jack,what...?”
Ididn’tletherfinishandcontinued,“Itwasmyfirstyearofcollege.Iwasn’tclearon

whereIwasgoing,Ijustwantedtogetadegree.Iknewitwouldn’tbeeasybalancing
thebandandschoolbutImadeitworksomehow.Ididn’tcarefortheprocessofhigher
education, I didn’t like what it did to be people. I always felt that college destroys
creativity;itisamachinethatcreatesconformists.Madelinehelpedmeseethat.Atthe
time,Ihadacomplicatedmindandaheartfullofhornets,shehelpedmemakesense
ofthings.”

“Idon’tknowwheretostartJack,Imustadmityouhavepiquedmyinterest.”
“Iwasalwaysinterestedtolearnmoreaboutpeople.Whatmotivatedthem?What

motivatedme?Allofmycoursesmyfirstyearwerepsychologyorphilosophy.Iwas
notlearninganythingveryprofound.IlearnedmorewhenIwasontheroadwiththe
band.ThatwasuntilItookMadeline’sclass.”

Leah was almost hanging over the desk, listening to every word, clearly enjoying

the conversation. I was happy to have her so engaged. I took long pauses to build
suspense.

“What was the class? Were you lovers?” She gave a concerning pause and asked,

“Are you still lovers?” Suddenly this seemed like an interrogation again. Her tanned
armswerefolded,herperfectmouthbecamesmallerandherbrowwasraised.Itfilled

me with life, seeing this beautiful creature jealous that I may be involved with
someoneelse.Iwasnot.MadelineandIwereneverlovers,butIwasenjoyingthisand
Idecidednottodirectlyanswerherquestions.

“Madeline was the professor of a course called The Study of Abnormal Human

Behavior. It was a turning point for me. There was some irony in the course title
becausethepremisewasthereisnosuchthingasabnormalhumanbehavior,thereis
onlywhatsocietyacceptsatagivenpointoftime.Wearejustanimalsafterall,weare
fartoohardonourselves.Notonlydoweexpectperfectbodiesandperfectlives,we
alsoexpectperfectminds,fullofperfectthoughts.Ialwayshadasharpmind,butIhad
afflictions at the time. Guilt, shame, and fear were like a fist that sat right here, deep
insideme.”

“Whatafflictions?”
IstoodupandmademywaytothecupboardwhereIkeptabottleofScotch.
“Wantadrink?”
“Sure.”
Ipouredtwo,neat,insmallbutheavyglasses.Leahstoodup,andheldeyecontact

as we raised our drinks. The bottle and glasses were a gift that stayed tucked away, I
had forgotten they were there until that moment. I never drink at work but this was
different.

“Alcoholism?” she flicked her glass with her finger, suggesting that was my

affliction,thentookadrink.

Ilaughed,“No,wellprobably,butno.”
“Ohgod,youareoneofthoseserialkillerdoctors,aren’tyou?”
Igaveheradismissivelook.
“Drugaddict?”
Itriedtodismissherbutshepushedon,“Sexaddict?That’sit,isn’tit?”
“NotatermIwoulduse,butsomethinglikethat.”TheScotchperfectlyburnedmy

throat.

“So Madeline, your professor, helped you with a sex addiction? Aren’t all guys in

theirlateteensandearlytwentiessexaddicts?”

“Thingsbecomeproblemswhentheyaffectyourlifeinanegativeway.”Itookmy

seat,swirledtheScotcharoundtheglass,andthoughtofmyrelationshipwithMadeline
allthattimeago.Leahsatonthedeskfacingme.MyeyesdancedbetweenLeahand
myglassthatwasquicklybecomingempty.IspokeasifIwasthinkingoutloud.“She
was very serious, and always in control. I had a habit of trying to win over women’s
affectionsasyoungmenoftendo.Madelinewouldnotbeswooned,Iwouldstayafter
class and ask questions about the lecture just to hear her talk. Eventually our
conversationscontinuedoutsidetheclassroomatalocalbasementbar.Thebarlooked
like a stone-walled dungeon, if you ordered food it would be lowered down from a
smallelevatorfromanupstairskitchen.Webecameregulars.Wealwayssatattheend
ofthebar,andwealwaysdrankredwine.Madelinerarelyspokeaboutherself,Iwould
tryintellectualacrobaticstogetpersonalinformationfromher,butshewouldignore
myattemptsandkeeptheconversationaboutme.Shetaughtmealot.Thefirstthing
she explained was that there was nothing wrong with me, that I simply had to find
others that felt the same way. She also quickly helped me realize the root of the

problem. Most sex addicts simply think they are addicted to the high of being with
someonenew,addictedtothepassionandtheclimax,buteveryonehasanunderlying
issue, something that often has nothing to do with sex that drives their behavior.
Madelinequicklyfoundmine.”

“Whatdidshefind?”
“IamafraidImightboreyouwithallthis.”Igotupandrefilledmyglass,Inoticed

LeahbarelytouchedherssoIdidn’tofferheranotherdrink.

“Thisisanythingbutboring,mydearJack.”IsatdownandLeahcontinued,“Ifyou

showmeyours,I’llshowyoumine.”Ilaughedatherplayfulness,itwasclearshewas
tryingtolightenthemoodtomakemecomfortable,Iappreciatedthesentiment.

“WhenIwasaveryyoungman,Ihadahardtimeconnectingwithpeople.Icouldn’t

findmyplace.Later,Iwouldfindmusic,butuntilthenIwasalittlelost.Icouldbarely
keepeyecontactwithanyone.ThenIdiscoveredsomethingIwasgoodatthatgaveme
theconfidenceIwaslookingfor.Ididn’tfeelanydifferentthanalltheotherguys,we
alldesperatelywantedtogetintoagirl’spants.ThedifferencewasthatIdid.Ilearned
nottokissandtellandthegirlslearnedIwouldneverhangthemouttodry.AsIgot
older,itgotworse,inthesensethatitwastheonlywayIcouldconnectwithwomen.In
my late teens, I was with many older women, it was a thrill at the time. Madeline
pointed out that older women were the perfect storm for me, considering the root
causeofallthis.’’

“Whatistherootcause?”
“Aninferioritycomplex,”IansweredasIraisedmyglassasifIwasmakingatoast
Leahlaughed,andprotested,“JackWillow,Dr.JackWillow,leadsingerofB.S.R.,the

guy that seemingly can talk to everyone and anyone has an inferiority complex? I
thinkyoumayhaveoutgrownthatalongtimeago.”

“HaveI?MaybeIhave.Ormaybeallthisistomakeupforsomething.Ihideinmy

home that I let almost no one see, and rarely leave unless I am going to the power-
position of a band leader, or come to work to play doctor. I can’t have a relationship
because after I seduce a woman and she makes me feel larger than life, I run. I run
becauseIdon’twantthemtoseeme.Likeanydrug,itisexhilaratingatfirstbutthat
changesfastwhenthesuncomesup.”

“Womenarenotdrugs.Isthathowyouseeme?”Leahasked.
“Iamthedrug;youarethesun,”Ianswered.
This conversation was a battle and for a moment we put down our weapons. She

wasthesunindeed.

“Whydoyoufeelinferior,wherediditstart?”Leahwasclearlyplayingdoctor.I’ll

play,Ithought.

“Ihonestlydonotknow,itisjustwhoIwas,orwhoIam.Sometimesit’sbesttostop

diggingandjustdealwiththings.”

“’Youdon’tsoundlikeashrink.Areyouarealdoctor?”
“Iam.”
“So,onyourinferiority...”
“Hmm?”
“Youfeellikeyouareinferior.Sexually?”
“No, that is the only area in my life I feel power, the only time I feel at ease. We

grow older, and these things get washed out. I can’t say I constantly feel inferior to
everythingandeveryoneasthemanIhavebecome.Iamcomfortableinmyskin;butI
knowsomewheredeepinsideme,thatscaredyoungmanstillexists.Madelinehelped
meputawaychildishthings.”

“AndyouaretellingmeyouneverhadsexwithMadeline?”
“In the early days, I would try and try. She explained to me that if we had sex,

everythingwouldchange.Shesaidshehadallthepowerinthisrelationshipandthatis
howwebothwantedit.Themomentshesubmittedtomyadvances,thepowerwould
bemine,andmyaffectionsforherwouldchange.”

“Didthathappenwithus?Haveyoulostyouraffectionforme,doyouhaveallthe

power,Jack?”

“Themomentyousteppedintomyofficeyoutookallthepowerback,Iassureyou.

And my affection for you is deep, deeper than I can understand.” A warm feeling
washedoverme,Iwantedtopromiseherthemoonandgivehertheworld.Iwantedto
takeherthenandthere.Thewayshewassittingonthedeskmadeitlooklikeshewas
inviting me to take her. I knew better than to get carried away, I held my cards and
keptastraightface,thisroomwasbecomingmorecomfortableandIdidnotwantto
changethatforher.

“Power?Ithinkyouareplayinggames,Ithinkyouarealwaysincontrolevenifyou

pretendyouarenot,”Leahspokeagainasaninterrogator.

I didn’t like the direction of the conversation, I felt it was my turn to speak but I

stayedsilentandforcedtheconversationbacktoher.

“TellmemoreaboutMadeline.”Hercuriositybrokethesilence.
“The first few years of our relationship were very much about me. We had many

drinksinthatbasementbar,shewouldlistentomeandslowlysmokehercigarette.I
neverknewIhadsomuchtosay.Yearslater,itbecameabouther,Ibecametheear.
Finally,itbecameaboutthem.”

“Them?”
IbegantoquestionhowmuchIwasrevealingtoLeah,wasitnecessary?Although

my motives for my confessions were unclear, it felt good. It was exciting to tell my
secrets,onebyone,wonderingiftherewouldbeapointwhereitwastoomuchandthe
spellwouldbebroken.Itisexhilaratingtotellyoursecretstosomeone.Willtheystill
accept you? You really don’t know how they will react. If, after you tell your secrets,
theydonotrejectyou,itleavesyoufeelinglight,likeyoubothnowsharethisburden
andyoubecomecloser.IthadbeenaverylongtimesinceIhadspokensofreelyabout
myself,aboutmywork,aboutthem.

“I knew how to finish at the top of my class, I also knew how to unlearn all the

nonsensetheyteachasifitweregospel.WhenIbeganmypractice,IknewIwoulddo
thingsdifferently.Madelinehelpedmewiththat.Theyare my patients, well, some of
mypatients.Itisnotcomplex,sometimesyouhavetoshowthemthatthereisnothing
wrong,thereisnothingtobecured.Theyjustneedawaytobethemselvesthatdoes
nothurtothers,theyneedtofindaplacethattheycanbefreewithotherslikethem.”

“Madeline’s,”Leahspokeproudlylikeaninvestigatorthatmadeadiscovery.
“Yes, Madeline has been running the place one way or another since before my

time,sheownedthebusinessbutnottheproperty.ShehelpedmesomuchthatIwas

happy to help her when I could. When she was going to be pushed out of the bar
businessbythepropertyowner,Iendedupbuyingthebuilding.Well,halfthebuilding,
Franky still owns the other half. Franky got a nice payday when I bought in, and we
madeadealtoforgiveherbackrent,andtokeeptherentlowsoshecouldkeepgoing.
That’swhenIgotmoreinvolved,Isawthepotential.”

“YousendyourpatientstoMadeline’s?”
“Sometimes.Theyareaddictedtosomethingthatisn’tnecessarilybadforyou,and

yes,Madelinecanhelpsomeofthem,sheisthevillainthatsavesthem.”

“I don’t know how safe this sounds. What about the health risks of being with

differentpeople?”

“Well,everyonegetsabloodtestbeforetheyareletin.Themainfloorispublic,but

theroomsthatyouarefamiliarwithareprivate.Notjustanyonecangothere,andas
youknowtheyarealldifferent.Ifsomeone’ssexuallyoutofcontrol,Idonotprescribe
drugs,IsendthemtoMadeline’s,tooneoftherooms.Theyallhavedifferentafflictions
soItrytomakeasituationwheretheycanexercisethoseinasafeway.Forexample,
those people that were in leather outfits that Madeline was ordering around were all
mypatients.Theyareallinveryhighpowerpositionsintheireverydaylives,veryhigh
power.Thoseoutfitsworkwelltodisguisethem,theyaretherethreedaysaweek,itis
a part of their lives. It gives them balance, it has helped them enormously with their
professionallives.”

“Doyouself-medicate?Howoftendoyougointothoserooms?”
“Never,wellnotlikethat.Exceptwithyou.”
Again,therewasasilence.Leahtookamomenttoconsiderwhatitmeantthatthe

onlytimeIwenttotheprivateroomwaswithher.

“Whynot?”Sheaskedwithatiltofherhead.
“It’snotbecausemypatientsarethere,assoonasIgothatroutewithmypatients,I

amnolongeratraditionaldoctorandtraditionalrulesnolongerapply.Iwouldlosemy
licenseifitgotout,butIdonotliveinfear,youhavetobeabletotrustpeopleandthey
have to trust you. I guess I never used Madeline’s private rooms because I have
learnedhowtofindpeoplewhoarelikemeineverydaylife.”

“AmIoneofthosepeople,doyouthinkIamlikeyou?”
“Yes.”
I had given Leah a lot of information, maybe too much. It can be very freeing to

divulgeyoursecrets.UpuntilthenonlyHeather,Madeline,andaverysmallhandfulof
othersknewsomuchaboutme.Notevenmybandmatesknewsomuch.Althoughit
canbefreeingtotellyoursecrets,itcanbeaburdenforyourconfidant,andIhadgiven
herplentyforoneday.Theroomfeltdifferent.Shelookedfrightened,butratherthan
lookingforanescape,shepulledherselfbacktomakeherselfmorecomfortableonmy
desk. She looked afraid but she was smiling. I felt like I could have stood up, walked
overtowhereshesatonmydesk,kissedherandshewouldhavewelcomedit.ButI
was making a long-term investment, I needed her to come back next week. She was
curious to hear more, and most importantly she found this exciting. I stood up and
walked toward her. I was floating in front of her, I was hard, I felt my muscles
twitchingbecauseofmyrestraint.Iknewshefeltittoo,shestoodandwewereclose
enoughthatIcouldfeelherbreath.

“Iwouldliketocontinuethisnextweek,”Iusedmyprofessionalvoice.
Leahwalkedpastmeandtothedoor,sheturnedsoIcouldseeherbraandtanned

skinfromtheexposedsideofhertanktop.Iwassosexuallychargeditlookederoticto
mehowshehadherhandonthedoorknob.Shewasnolongertheinterrogator,she
spoke as a seductress, “O.K. doctor, I have a busy week, how about the same time
Friday?”

IhadnoideaifitworkedornotbutIanswered,“Iwillseeyounextweek,Friday,

threeo’clock.”

“A

CHAPTER16

reyouself-destructing?”Heather’svoicewasfullofpassiveaggressionandspite.I
didn’t answer and responded with my own passive aggression in the form of

silence. She was standing at her desk leaning toward me. Although the waiting room
wasemptyHeatherstillspokeinahushedtone,perhapstokeepoutofearshotfrom
Dr.McCormick.

“Yourlittleofficevisitswiththefarmgirlareaskingfortrouble,whynotjustmeet

withhersomewhereelseonotherterms?Right,youarehavingfunplayingyourlittle
game—butJack,webothknowthereisnosuchthingasasecretandthiscanbiteyou.
Youwouldloseeverythingyouhaveworkedsohardfor.”

“Everything?”Iquestioned.
“Yourpractice,yourcareer;Iknowyouwanttoretireearlybutthisisnotthewayto

go.”

“JustacouplemoreHeather,O.K.?IknowwhatIamdoing,itisnotlikesheisgoing

togoandwritealettertotheethicsboard.Besides,weareonlytalkinginthere.”

“Sure,justtalking.Jack,evenifthatwerethecase,yourrelationshipproceedingher

becomingapatientisenoughtomakeserioustrouble.”

“Sheisnotapatient.”
“Jack,youevenhaveherinsurancepayingforyoursessions.”
“Harmless.Weneedtopaythebillssomehow.”
“Don’tbesosureshewouldnotwritealetter,ormakeacall,hellhathnofury.”
“Iwillnotscornher.”
“As a friend, I am telling you, this will not end well. It’s not professional, and one

wayoranother,itwillsneakupandtakeyoudown.”

“What are you two gals gossiping about?” Dr. McCormick’s voice filled the room

withanobnoxiousrumble.

Ikeptmybacktohimforamomentandslowlyturnedaround,hequicklychanged

his playful tone when he noticed I wasn’t in the mood. McCormick was pushy and
annoying but I was always able to shut him down with little effort. He let out a fake
yawnashedoeswhenheisuncomfortable.ItwasonarareoccasionsuchasthisthatI
feltobligedtobelittlehim.Ididn’tdoitoftenbecauseeventhoughheseemedlikean
indestructible, pompous fool, I knew he was extremely sensitive and he would stew
over things for days. I didn’t care for him but I didn’t have any ill will, I kept my
intellectual jabs to a minimum. Before I had a chance to address McCormick, Leah
glidedintotheroom.

The air changed, we all felt it. She stood there looking as if she had accidently

walkedintothemen’sroom.Icouldn’tblameherforfeelingthatway,consideringhow
thethreeofuswerejuststaringather.Shelookeddifferentthatday.Sheusuallylooks
likeshejustwalkedoffthefarm,butshewasnotwearinghercowboyboots,andher
hairlookeddifferenttoo.Itremindedmeofwhenwefirstmet.

“Ms.Jenson,pleasecomein.”Imotionedtotheoffice.
Everyoneheldtheirpositionforamomentthatfeltlikeaneternity,everyonemade

eyecontactineverypossiblecombinationlookingforclues,tryingtofindthesourceof
thepeculiarchangeintheair.

“Please,Ms.Jenson.”Myarmstillshowingthewaytomyoffice.
McCormickgavethebiggestfakestyawnIhadeverseenfromhimasheretreated

intohisoffice.HeathersurprisedmebygivingLeahaglareandafakesmile.

“Hello,” Leah said to Heather as she walked by, her tone was that of a burglar

slippingbyaguarddog.Heather’sresponsewassilentandsubtle;raisingherheadand
firmingupherfakesmile.

IclosedthedoorasquietlyasIcould,slowingmymovementattheendtoeasethe

final click. I exhaled, the air in here was much better. I had been looking forward to
thisallweek.IfeltasillysmilecreaseonmyfacebutIforceditaway.Shewassmiling
too. There we both stood, again in my office. I felt like we were escaping; everything
thathappenedinourindividuallivesoverthepastweekdidn’tmatter.Itwasjustme
andher,takingabreakfromthereality.

“Ms.Jenson?”Leahlaughed,questioningmyformaladdress.
“Perception is everything, in my profession, an inappropriate relationship with a

patientcouldmeandisaster.”

“Disaster?”
“Iwouldhavemylicensetakenaway.”
“Itsoundslikeyouhaveaveryunusualpracticeandthereisplentythatcouldcause

disasterforyou.”

“True.Mymethodsareunusual,andifmymethodswereexposed,thatwouldmean

theendofmypractice.MaybethisisdifferentbecauseIamemotionallyinvolved.”

“Ifthisissucharisk,whydoyoukeeponhavingmeback?Youhaven’tevenasked

toseemeinanothercontext.”

“Thisisaplace,andacontext,whereIcanbeacertainway.Lifecanhaveafunny

wayofgivinganopportunity,it’suptoustotakeit.WhenyouwalkedintomyofficeI
feltlikeitwasmeanttobe,youandIaresupposedtoworksomethingout,hereinthe
office.Besides,Iamquiteenjoyingthis.”

“Oh,you’reenjoyingthisareyou?’’shescoffed.Leahwalkedoverbehindmydesk

totakeherseat.

“Ahem,”Iraisedmybrowinprotest.
“What?”
“Ibelieveifyouplaybackthetape,therewasanagreementmadethatitwasyour

turntobeonthecouch.”

Leahbowedherheadandlightlylaughed,“Fine,Jack,orDr.Willow,I’llplay.”She

madeherwaytothecouch,struttingwithaconfidenceshehadnothadthelastcouple
visits.Shesatbackandmadeherselfcomfortable.

“You’redressedlikeyouhaveplansthisevening,”Istated.Shewaswearingalow-

cut blouse, pencil skirt, and fuck-me boots. She never wore a ton of makeup but she
hadonenoughtohighlightthelinesofherlips,andthedevilinhereyes.

“ItisFridayJack;ImeanDr.Willow,”Leahspokedefensively.
“Fairenough.”Ibegantospeculatewhatthoseplansmayhavebeenbutaskingdid

notfeelright.

“Takeaseat,you’remakingmenervous.”Leahwasmotioningtothechairbehind

thedesk.

“Actually, I sit here.” I motioned to the chair adjacent to her and sat down. I

instinctively took my note book and set it in my lap. “Now Ms. Jenson, where would
youliketobegin?”

“Thisisyourshow,whydon’tyoutakethelead.”
“O.K.,whenyoufirstcamehere,yousaidIwasthereasonyouwereseekingsome

kindofhelp.Whyisthat?”

“Youjustwanttojumprightin,don’tyou?”Leahheldeyecontactwithconfidence,

andafterapause,continued.“Let’sworkuptothat.”

“O.K.,howaboutthebasics,haveyoubeenmarried?”
“No.”
“Close?”
“No,haveyoubeenmarried?”
“No,Ihaven’t,”Iansweredandquicklymovedalong.Ihavethepenmanshipofa

serialkiller.Ietchednevermarriedinmynotes.

“Areyouhappylivingaloneonthatbigfarm?Haveyoualwayskepttoyourself?”I

spokecomfortablylikewehadallthetimeintheworld.

Leahtookalongpauseasifshedidnotknowtheanswer,“Iamalone,butIamnot

sureifIamlonely.Itcanbehardtostaymotivatedsometimes,nothavingsomeone
therewithmetokeepmeincheck.Themarkethelps,Ireallydoenjoydoingit,Ilook
forwardtoseeingthefamiliarfaces.IhaveafewoldfriendsandIdon’tfeeltheneedto
makenewones.Idokeeptomyself,IguessIalwayshave.”

“Socializingcanbeexhausting,”Iadded.
“Itcan.”
“Sowhyhaveyounevermarried?”
“Iwasinarelationshipwithmyhighschoolboyfrienduntilonlyafewyearsago.”
“Really?”
“Thereisnotmuchtotellaboutthat,Iwasn’thappy.Idohaveahabitofstayingina

situationtoolong,evenifIknowitisn’trightforme.”

“Whydoyouthinkyoudothat?”
“Idon’tknowifitisfear,oramisplacedloyalty.BeforeIcompletelytookoverthe

farm,whenmyauntpassedaway,IwasstuckinajobIhated.Infact,Istilldosome
work for that company and I have no idea why. I am sure I could manage to live
withouttheextraincome.”

“Bookkeeping?”
“Yes, I am good at it. I don’t hate it, I just don’t have the time or the will to do it

anymore,buteverytimetheycallandarestuckIbailthemout.”

“Youfeellikeyouhavearesponsibilitytothem.”

“Ido.”
“Doyoufeelyouhavearesponsibilitytoyouraunttokeepthefarmgoing?”
“No.Yes.MaybeIdo,butIenjoyit,itisjustalotofworkforverylittlemoney.”
“Yousaidifyoucouldaffordityouwouldtraveltheworld,thatdoesn’tlenditselfto

farming.”

“Onlybecausethefarmbasicallypaysforitself.ThereisalwaysplentytodobutI

couldleaveforthewinterifIcouldaffordit.Howaboutyourself,doyouescapetoyour
beachhousehideawayeverywinter?”

“Iwouldloveto,butIamwrappedupinmypracticetoomuchatthispointtoleave

for any extended period of time. So, you have a habit of staying with things too long
because of some kind of misplaced loyalty. You have put a lot of responsibility on
yourself to be a certain way, maybe what you are searching for is an escape.
Madeline’s,me,maybeit’ssimplyawayforyoutoforgettheburdensoflife.”

“I don’t have the luxury of escape. That is why I was looking for help Jack, I was

gettingcarriedaway.IhavenoonetorelyonbutmyselfandIcan’tletallthisgetin
theway.”

Ididn’trespondrightaway,IthoughtifIstayedsilentshewouldcontinueandcome

toherownconclusions.Sometimesit’sbesttojustletpeopletalk.Itwasallverysilly
really, Leah thinking she would get so lost in her new experiences, her life would
unravel before her eyes. I chose not to comment on that directly. I was scratching
notes,tryingtothinkofwhatdirectionIwantedtotakethisconversation.

“Whathappenedwiththeboyfriendfromhighschool?”Iasked.
Leah shifted on the sofa, her skirt tightened around her crossed legs. She wiped

away a few wrinkles in her clothes until she looked completely stoic. “He was very
careerorientated,self-involved,vain,andunhappy.Heleftmeforawomanthatcould
help further his career. I was no longer an asset to him. I realize now that he used
people,heusedme.Igavemanygoodyearsofmylifetryingtobeagoodpartnerto
himandwhenheleft,Iwasveryalone,broke,anddefeated.Itwasaroundthattime
thatIendeduptakingoverthefarm.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneotherwise.”

‘’Andwhataboutyourfriendyouwerewithwhenwefirstmet?Iforgethername,”

Iasked.

“Louise,yessheisagoodfriend,butwhenshehadkidswestartedtodriftapart.We

endeduphavingverylittleincommon.Ontherareoccasionthatshedoesgoout,she
goesnuts,asdoallmyfriendsthathavekids.”

“SheseemedtobehavingagoodtimethenightImether.”
“Thatwasafunnight,”Leahsmiled,andIsmiledback.Wesharedaquietmoment

thatlastedatouchtoolong.

“Stopit,”Leahlaughed.
“What?”Isaidinnocently.
“Youknowwhat,mister.”
Ishookoffthemomentwithasmile,Idon’tthinkIhaveeverbeenmoreattracted

to a woman than I was to Leah. I was thinking of when we were in her kitchen; it
amazedmethatIcouldbewithsuchabeautifulcreature.Ithoughtofhernow,herein
myoffice,whatitmightbelike.ThethoughtofpullingupthatskirtwasmorethanI
couldtake.Icouldfeelitintheairandsocouldshe,everybreathshetook,everytiny

movementsaidthesamething;it’sO.K.,takeme,it’sO.K.Iglancedattheshutdoorand
thought of Heather just behind it, and wondered if there was anyone in the waiting
room.Iknewwecouldn’tgetcarriedaway,butasIwasabouttochangethesubjectshe
cutmeoff.

“So,yousithereandlistentowomentelltheirdirtylittlesecretsalldayandnever

thinkabouttakingadvantage?”

ThetruthwasIdidn’t,thatwouldbewrong,Ishouldn’t...O.K.—Ihave.Mythoughts

are my own, and some things should remain private. Some fantasies are meant to
remainfantasyandIhadthegoodsensetoknowhavingasexualrelationshipwitha
patientwasnotanoption,butyes,intheprivacyofmymindIhavebentaselectfew
female patients over my desk—they always moaned my name and told me it was
wrong while I quietly and secretly escaped inside the warmth of their young bodies.
DoctorWillow,weshouldn’tbedoingthis.

“Jack, are you O.K.?” Leah’s voice brought me back. I was far removed from

anything that could be considered professional, as if there was anything professional
aboutthisfromthestart.Clearlytherewasnot.

“Iamfine,andno,Ihaveneverthoughtofmypatientslikethat,”Ibelievedmyown

lieasIspoke.

“YousaidyouonlywenttoMadeline’sforme?So,you’renotintotheleatherand

the whips, all that was for little ol’ me?” Leah was being playful, but she seemed to
genuinelywanttoknow,soIappeasedherandanswered.

“Yes,Iwantedtobeclosetoyou,Isensedyoufounditallexciting,andIwantedto

be a part of that. I admittedly have many afflictions but the leather and whips are
rarelyoneofthem.”

“Never?”
“Rarely.”
“So,whatareyouinto?WhatwouldJackWillow’sprivateroomlooklike?”
“I am afraid you may find the answer boring. There is no private room, no secret

escapes,IlikedifferentthingsbutIthinkwhatIammostattractedtoisaconnection,
something sweet. Something soft.” I was concerned my honesty would cause her to
loseinterest,thatifshelosttheelementofdangerandexcitement,andourrelationship
begantoleantowardnormalcy,Leah’sinterestwoulddisappear.Afterabriefmoment
ofcontemplation,shepushedherselftotheedgetothesofaandleanedtowardme.To
mydelight,sheseemedengagedinourconversation.Shespokeinaquestioningtone.

“So,youhaveneverhadasexualthoughtaboutapatient,andyoujustwantasweet

galtocomehometo?”

When she put it like that it made me want to go five minutes back in time and

attempttoexplainmyselfagain.Ofcourse,whatshesaiddidnotsummeupwhatso
ever.Peoplearecomplex,Iamcomplex.

“That’sme,”Isaidsarcastically.
“IthinkIcanmakealiaroutofyouDr.Willow.”
“Oh?”
“Whetheryouadmititornot,Iamyourpatient.Areyoutellingmeyouhaven’thad

any inappropriate thoughts about me during this session?’” She was speaking in a
whisper.Leahwastryingtoseduceme.

“Ok,Ms.Jenson,maybetechnicallyIamyourdoctor,andyouaremypatient.Why

doIfeellikeIambeingtested?LikeIsaid,Iamabletoseparatethings,weareinmy
office,andIamincontrol.”

“Are you in control doctor?” Leah’s eyes were heavy and her jaw was slightly

clenched. I glanced at the door and considered the possibility of giving in for a
moment.Iwasquicklygoingtomydarkplace;Iwastryingtorationalize.Mybodyhad
noconflict,itwantedher,butIknewitwouldbewrongandIshouldnotallowthisto
goanyfurther.Isatinmychairfeelinglight,mymindtwistedandturnedandallmy
worriesweregone.Nothingmatteredtome,nothingexceptLeah.Iwantedtobiteher
soft,pillowy,lowerlip,Iwantedtorunmyhandsoverhertanned,softskin.Iwantedto
pushheragainstmeandbreatheinhersmell.Iwonderedifshewaswet.

Webothsatinasexualstandoff,herontheedgeofthecouchandmesittingbackin

mychair.Leahwaswinningthisbattle,shepushedthemomentfurtherstillbysliding
offthesofaandtoherknees.Ishiftedinmychair,myerectionwastakingoverinmy
pantsandIhadtocreateroomforit.Weheldeyecontactassheslowlycrawledoverto
me.Iglancedatthedoorthenbacktoher.Ibegantoutterhopelesswordsofprotest
butshespokeinstead.

“Youwantmetobesweetforyou?”Hervoicewassoftandcaring;hereyeswere

heavy. She slowly made her way to me on her hands and knees. “I can be sweet for
youdoctor,”shespokeincharacter,likeayoungsexualnursebeingtrainedtoseduce
her patient. She only broke eye contact when she unzipped me, and pulled out my
hard-throbbing cock. She grazed her hand up and down while staring into my eyes.
“Let’sgettheseoff,doctor.”Ihelpedhertakemypantsdowntobelowmyknees.Iwas
extremelyexposed,glancedatthedoorandthentotheclock.Therewaslessthanten
minutesbeforemynextappointment.Therewasnostoppingthis.

Leah was running her hands up and down my naked thighs, licking and sucking.

Shekeptonsaying“I’llbesweetforyou,doctor.”Shewenttomyballs,puttingthemin
hermouthandstaringintomyeyes.“Isthissweetenoughforyou?”sheasked.

Istartedtojerkmyselfoffforamoment,timewasnotonmysideandmybodywas

screaming for a release. I had pulled her skirt up just enough to see her sexy
underweardisappearbetweenhercheeks.Herdarkpantieswereabeautifulcontrast
to the pale skin of her cheeks. I wanted as much of her to be in contact with me as
possible, skin on skin. I pulled her up to me, we kissed deeply, our tongues lashed
around,ourfaceswerepressedtogether.Ineededtobeinsideher,topenetrateher.I
stoodupandpulledherclosetome,abletomakemorecontactstanding,skinonskin.
Wefeverishlykissedandpressedintoeachother,mypeniswaspressingbetweenher
legs,asifitknewwheretogowithoutmydirection.Onlyherwetpantiesstoppedme
frompushinginsideher.Sheslightlypulledawayandquicklyslidoffherpantiesand
came back into my embrace. I put my hand between her legs, two of my fingers fell
betweenherhotwetlips.Leahmoanedandbentovermydesk,thiswasoneofthose
timesrealityturnedouttobebetterthanfantasy.

“Howaboutthis,isthissweetenough?”shespokeoverhershoulder,proppingup

herass,offeringherselftome.Ididn’tanswer,Ijustgrabbedherhipsandpushedmy
achingcockinsideherwarmbody.Everythingwasperfect.

IpushedinasdeepasIcould,Ifeltitbuildinginsideme.

Wehadtobefast.
“Cuminsidemebaby.”
Ididn’tholdback;Ididn’tprolonganything.IpulledherapartwithmyhandssoI

couldwatchmyrock-hardcockdisappearinsideherwetpussy.Withslow,deep,hard
strokesIletitpouroutofme.

Slow.
Deep.
Hard.
Imoaned,andwithafinalpush,emptiedeverythingIhadintoher.Istayeddeep

inside her, feeling the pulse of my heart in my cock. Everything in the world was
perfect,thiswasthekindoffeelingIlivefor,butthenthemomentwasruinedbythe
squawkoftheintercomsystem.

“Jack,stoppressingthetalkbutton!”ItwasHeather’svoiceinahorrifiedwhisper.
Leahliftedherhandlikeitwasonahotstove.Shehadbeenunknowinglypressing

thetalkbuttonontheintercomsystem,theintercomthatisloudenoughforthewhole
waitingroomtohear.Howmuchdidtheyhear?Itdidn’tmatter,theyheardenough.

Leah and I stood face to face, breathing heavily, the first word that fell from my

mouthsinceshestartedtocrawlovertomewas,“Hawaii.”

CHAPTER17

fterwhatseemedlikeaneternityofjuststaringateachother,itwasclearthatIhad

todecidethenextmove.Iclosedmyeyesandpretendedthiswasn’thappeningfora
moment,tookadeepbreath,thenreturnedtothisunfortunatecircumstance.

“Ok,umm,”thatwasthebestIcoulddo.
“FuckJack,isthereanotherwayoutofhere?”Leahlookedaroundtheoffice.Idid

notanswerherquestionasitwascleartherewasonlyoneexit.Shehadtowalkpast
Heather and whoever was sitting in the waiting room. I too had to take this walk of
shame.IthoughtIwasbeingchivalrouswhenIsaid,“I’llgofirst.”Again,thisdidnot
help.Leahletoutanexasperatedmoanandpushedopenthedoorandspeedwalked
past Heather. I grabbed my blazer and tried to follow, but was promptly stopped by
Heather.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Heather spoke in a whispered shout, putting

extraemphasisandthewordslostandfucking.

Iscannedtheroom,itwasempty.Ifeltaglimmerofhope.“So,youaretheonlyone

thatheard?”Iasked.

“Mr.Collingwoodgotupandleft,andIamsureMcCormickheardeverythingtoo.”

Heather’sexpressionwasoneofdisappointment,whichisalwaysmoreimpactfulthan
anger. McCormick’s door was open and I could see him milling about in his office,
clearlylisteningtoourconversation.

Igaveanapologeticlookandsaid,“I’mgoingtogo.”Iheadeddownthestairsand

outside. Texada was hot from a full day of sunshine cooking the cobblestone streets
andtheoldstoneandtimberbuildings.AgentlebreezewashedovermeandIfeltlikea
cagedanimalgettingitsfirsttasteoffreedom.Iputmyhandinthepocketofmyblazer
tosearchformykeys,IhadamomentofpanicthinkingImayhavetogobackupfor
them, but there they were, deep in my pocket. As I pulled them out, I spotted Leah
pacingbackandforth,talkingonherphone.Iconsideredleavingheralone,thinking
shemayhavehadenoughJackWillowforoneday,butitlookedlikesomethingwas
wrongsoIwalkeduptoher.Leahspottedmewalkingoverandhungupthephone.

“I got towed!” Leah waved her hands in innocence. She was standing under an

enormous“NoParking”signwithanimageofatowtruckpullingawayacar.Ididn’t
drawherattentiontothat.Leahcontinuedwavingherphonearound,indicatingwhere
shegotherinformation.“Theygavemetheaddress.Ihavetogopickitup.”

I knew where it was, I didn’t need an address. I have had my truck towed before,

whoeverisinchargeofparkingenforcementinthisarea,takestheirjobveryseriously.

“Comeon,I’llgiveyouaride.”Iputmyhandgentlyonherbackandguidedher.As

wecrossedthestreetshespottedmymotorcycleandletoutalaugh.

“Onthat?”
“Whynot?”Irespondedwithslightoffense.
Mybikelookedpicturesquewiththebackdropofthecafé,Iswungmylegaround

andbegantheritualofstartingtheengine.Ipulledthechokeandgavethekick-starta
fewkicks.Thebikegaveafewgroanslikeachildthatdidn’twanttowake,butwiththe
thirdkickitcamealive.Itwistedthethrottlebackandforthtokeepitrunning.Leah
hopped on the back without instruction but with a smile on her face. The ritual of
warminguptheoldbikewasnotquitecompletebutitwastimetopullaway.Iglanced
up to see McCormick half hidden by a curtain in his office window. It was definitely
timetoleave.

As I shifted into gear, I stopped being Dr. Willow and became Jack again. I would

havehadLeahwearmyhelmetbutIleftitinmyofficealongwithmyleatherjacket.
Thewarmafternoonsunwashighenoughintheskytokeepuswarm,meinmyblazer
andLeahinherFridaynightdress.Shesqueezedmetightandpressedherfaceintomy
neck.ThefurtherwegotfromtheofficethebetterIfelt.

We stopped at a red light next to restaurant patio full of people, the smell of

delicious Italian food filling the air. As we waited there for the green light, a massive
Harley Davidson pulled up and stopped next to us. His engine made the steel frame
rumbleandshake.Withblackleatherheadtotoe,spikes,studs,andtattoos,helooked
likeademononwheels.MyvintageBritishbikewaslikeatoynexttohim.Hetwisted
histhrottleandmadeagrowlthatshookhalftheblockandgavemealookthatsaid,
‘Whatareyougoingtobewhenyougrowup?’Itwasalongredlight,toolong.Ididn’t
respond.

Icouldn’treadthepatchonhisbackbutIcouldseehehadone;theseguyslovedto

cause trouble. Things would escalate with no logic, then blades and guns would ruin
everyone’s night. Leah felt the silent battle for the alpha, I could feel her position
herselfhigherontheseatandleaninthedirectionofthemonsternexttome.BeforeI
couldstopher,sheyelledloudenoughfornotonlytherestaurantpationexttousto
hearbutalsotheentireblock,“Look,weallgetit,you’renotgay!”

ThelightturnedgreenasifoncueandIpulledaway.Ournewfriendrodebesideus

briefly and gave a death stare. We made a quick turn onto the freeway and he
continuedon.Iguesshecouldhavecaughtupwithusbutthankfullyhedidn’t.

Whenwepulleduptotheimpoundlot,shejumpedoffandmadeasoundthatwasa

mixofreliefandexcitement.

“Thatwasfun!”Shelaughed.“Thebikeride,nottheotherpart.”Leahtriedtoshake

offtheawkwardness.

She leaned in and kissed me softly. I put my hand on the back of her neck and

kissedherback.

“So, what does Jack Willow do on a Friday night?” Leah spoke playfully as if she

forgotwhathadhappenedalready.

“I’mafraidImayboreyouwithmyanswer.”
“YouareanythingbutboringIassureyou.”
“I’mswingingbythemarkettopickupwhateverIwillmakefordinner,acigar,and

abottleofScotch.”

“Youcook!?”
“Ilivealone,ifIdidn’tcookIwouldstarve.Howaboutyourself,whatareyourplans

thisevening?”

“Well, it sounds like you are making me dinner,” she smiled, tilted her head, and

raisedaneyebrow.

Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh,Isupposeitmadesense.Iwenttoherplacelasttimesoit

wasn’t unreasonable for her to invite herself. My home was the only part of my life
Leahhadnotseen.Evenmylifelongfriendshadneverbeentomyoffice,Heatherhad
been to my home a few times but they were brief visits and she would never invite
herselfover.NomatterhowcloseIgettosomeoneIonlyexposesomuch.Myhome
was something of an emotional life raft, it gave me comfort to know someone else
couldnotfuckupeverysingleaspectofmylife.Thesecuritygatebegantorattleopen
with an electrical hum. Leah helped the conversation along and continued in her
playfultone,“WhatshouldIbring?”

“Ithoughtyouhadplans?”
“It’sO.K.ifyouwanttobealone.”Hertonewasdirectandlessplayfulthistime.
“No,Idon’twanttobealone,”Isaid,asifIwasreferringtosomethinggranderthan

mydinnerplans.

“Meneither.”Leahsmiledasshespoke.“Ihavetogohomeandfeedtheanimals.I

willseeyoulater,textmeyouraddress.”

“Ok,”IsaidasIwatchedherwalktowardtheimpoundoffice.Itoccurredtomethat

Ishouldoffertopay.“Wait,letmegetthis.”

“You pay for dinner, make something good,” she spoke over her shoulder and

struttedaway.

WAY

tothemarketI triedtosortout whatIwouldmakefor us.Idecidedto go

withaThaicurry,IhadbeenthinkingaboutiteversincethedayIworkedwithLeah
andsmelledthecoconutspicecomingfromafellowvender.Ittookawhiletogather
everything,butImanagedtofindalltheingredientsIneeded.WhenIwenttothecigar
shop I had to skip the customary chit chat and just grab and go, because time was
gettingawayfromme.IgotLeahacigartoo,justincase.Mybike’ssaddlebagswere
justbigenoughtocarryeverything.OtherthanthefactIwouldnotbealone,thiswasa
typicaleveningforme;stoppingatthismarketonthewayhomeandpickingupwhat
would be the evening’s dinner. I never had a full fridge because I did my shopping
daily.

Iwashomeandfeltsurprisinglyateaseconsideringtheearliereventsofthatday;

homehasawayofrelaxingthewildestofhearts.Isetmybagsdownwithathudon
the kitchen table and surveyed what I had to work with. As I was getting things
organized it occurred to me that Leah was dressed for a sexy Friday night when she
walkedintomyoffice,buthadtogohometodoherchoresonthefarm.Ithinkitwas
safetosayLeahcameintomyofficewithplanstoseduceme.

My phone buzzed on the table, I assumed it was Leah but to my surprise it was

Madeline. I hadn’t really spoken to Madeline in a very long time, we drifted apart.

Relationships evolve over time, and ours evolved into a professional one. When I
wouldsendpatientsherway,itwasHeatherwhotookthefiletoher.Ididn’tevenhave
any involvement in the production of Swell, even though it was my creation. It was
simpletomakeandIwassimplynotneededtoproduceitanymore.

I never intended Swell to be used recreationally as often as it is, but it is far less

harmfulthanalcohol.Itisnotaddictive,andthereisnoriskofsomeoneusingthedrug
tomakeanotherpersondosomethingagainsttheirwill.But,withthatbeingsaid,Iam
veryawarehowmorallyquestionableSwellis;Iknowthatmostpeoplewouldseemy
methodsaswrongandanabuseofpower.IamnotanangelandIdonotpretendtobe,
butthereisalinethatIwillnotcrossandIgotosleepwithaclearconscienceevery
night.

It certainly surprised me to see Madeline’s name on my phone. If she needed

something from the office she would normally contact Heather. I slowly put things
awaywhilethephonecontinuedtovibrateonthetableandpretendedforamoment
thiswasnotsomethingIhadtodealwith.IwantedtohaveaneasyeveningwithLeah,
andIhadafeelingifIansweredthephoneitwouldputmeinabadplace.Whenthe
vibratingceased,Istoppedputtingthingsawayandleanedagainstthecounterwithmy
eyesclosedwhileMadelineleftavoicemail.Iremainedfrozen,notmakingasoundas
if she could hear me. I waited in silence until the phone gave a quick buzz to let me
know a message had been left, then I let out a long breath and began the process of
forgettingshecalled.

Ignoranceisbliss,andsoisScotch.Iputasmallamountinaglassandtookadrink.

IlettheScotchwashovermygumsleavingthemnumb,andinsteadofswallowingit,I
letitfalldownmythroat,perfectlyburningasitdisappeared.Itookonemoredrink,
thenputitaway.Scotchhelps,everytime.Ipouredadarklocalbeerintoatallglass.
ThebeerwouldkeepmecompanywhileIgotthisdinnertogether.Musicwasneeded
soIputonaCalexicoalbumandbythetimethesaucewasboilingandmybeerwas
done,IhadallbutforgottenMadeline’svoicemailwaitingforme.

I was halfway through chopping a bunch of cilantro when I heard a knock at the

door. My heart raced in excitement, I was beginning to feel lonely and Leah’s
companionshipwaswelcomed.Iquicklyrinsedmyhandsanddancedovertothefront
door,stilldryingmyhandsonthehandtowel.IswungopenthedoortogreetLeah,but
tomydismayitwasMarjorie.Ifeltbadthatshepickeduponmydisappointmentwhen
Isawher.IamnotabigfanofmynoseyneighborbutIhavenoillwilltowardher.I
triedtolookhappytoseeher,andspokewhiledryingmyhands,“HiNeighbor.”

“HiJack,lookIwantedyoutohearitfromme,Iamtakinganofferonthehouse

andmovingclosertofamily.”

ItriedtolooklikeIcaredwhenIreplied,“WellIamsorrytohearyou’releaving,

butIamsureitwillbenicetobeclosertofamily.”

“TobehonestJack,it’smoreaboutthemoney.Thisareahaschangedsomuch,with

thenewbridgetothecityandeverythingelse,IgottwicewhatIpaidtenyearsago.An
agent came to my door and told me it would sell without even going on the market.
Anyway,Icouldn’tresist.”

I think this was the first time Marjorie had something interesting to say. Even

though I adore my home and couldn’t imagine selling it, I couldn’t help but be

intrigued. Marjorie continued, “I am surprised no one has come to your door... well
you’rerarelyhome,Isuppose.”Westoodinsilencetryingnottodwellonthefactthat
MarjorienoticedhowlittleIwashome.

“I didn’t realize the market had changed so much.” I didn’t continue the

conversation because my attention shifted to Leah’s familiar truck rolling into my
driveway.

“O.K.,youhavecompanysoIwillleaveyou.Iamnotmovingforacouplemonths

yetsoI’llseeyaJack.”

“ByeMarjorie.”
MarjoriegaveLeahaquickwaveasshescootedpast.Leahwavedbackwithawarm

smile and turned off the rumbling engine of her old truck. I threw the towel in my
handsovermyshoulder,leanedagainstthedoorframe,andimmediatelyfeltlikeIwas
posingforalamecommercialsoIrepositioned.Iwasalittlenervous.

Leah was taking a long time to get out of the truck, I wondered if everything was

O.K.Shewasjustlookingatmewithapeculiarsmileonherface.Iwalkeddownthe
stonepathtohertrucktogreether.

“Ican’tgetout!”sheshoutedoutoftheopenwindow.
“What?”
Leahlaughedandcoveredherface,“Ohgod!”
She opened the door and swung her big old rubber boots out on display. She

motionedtothemtoconfirmtheserubberbootswereindeedthesourceofhershame.

“IwasoverhalfwayherebeforeInoticedIwasstillwearingthem,toofartogoback

andchange.Ithoughtyoumightunderstand,”sheconfessed.

Shestoodupandpresentedherselflikealittlegirlshowingoffheroutfit.Shewas

wearingthesameoutfitasearlier;herhairdoneupwithsomeloosestrandssoftening
her appearance. The contrast of her elegant clothes and her shiny rubber boots was
comical,butalsooddlyattractive.

“Verynice,”Ireassuredherandpulledherinclose.“Iamhappyyouarehere,come

on.”Icouldsmellahintofherfarmthatmixedpleasantlywithherfeminineperfume.

Whenwewereinside,Leahkickedoffherbootsandmadeherselfathomeinmy

kitchen,slowlywalkingaroundnoddingherheadinapproval.“Verynice,Dr.Willow.
Thatsmellssofuckinggood,”Leahsaidasshepointedtothecoconutcurrysimmering
onthestove.

“Beer?” I asked with my back to her, reaching into the fridge before she could

answer.

“Please!Ok,whatcanIdotohelp?”
“IthinkIhaveeverythingundercontrol.”Ihandedherafreshlypouredbeerand

shetookalargerswigthanIwasexpecting.

“Ugh,Ineededthat.Jack,thisisagreatplace,”shespokeasshewanderedintothe

livingarea.Itfeltgoodhavingherhere.Shewaseasytobearound,andshehadnoway
ofknowingthiswastheonlytimeI’devermadedinnerforawomanhere.Onthevery
rareoccasion,Iwouldhavealate-nightvisitor,butthiswasdifferent;itwarmedmeup,
mademestandalittledifferent.

“Thanks,it’shome,”IrepliedasIreturnedtochoppingcilantro.
“Ihatecilantro,”shelookeddownatthefreshlychoppedherbonthecuttingboard.

“Iknewyouweretoogoodtobetrue,”Isaid,asIpushedthecuttingboardtothe

side.

“Ha,wellIthinkIamstillprettygood,”shereplied,andcameinwithasoftopen-

mouthedkissthattookmeamomenttoadjustto.Shepassionatelymovedhersoftlips
againstmine.

“Wantmetomakeyoucum?”
“Ha,what?”
“Right here, really quick, why not?” She stoked my semi-erect penis through my

pants and kissed me again, with a soft, loose passion. Down on her knees she went,
unzippedmeandpulledoutmycock.Shedidn’tevenunbuttonmypants,Istoodfully
clothedwithmycockstickingoutthroughthezipper.Shewrappedherlipsaroundthe
tipandslowlyburiedmypenisinhermouth.Ifelthertonguewhippingaround.She
picked up speed fast, shooting her head back and forth while jerking me off. Her
movements were savage and fast, the sounds of an uninhibited blowjob filled the
room. I was surprised how fast I felt myself coming to climax. I began lunging back
andforth,tryingnottohurtthebackofherthroat.Iwassoclosetocumming,Igave
thecourtesyoflettingherknow,“Iamgoingtocumbaby.”Shegrabbedmyassand
encouragedmythrusting.Mycockwasashardasitcouldbe,pulsingouthotcuminto
hermouth.Sheslowedperfectlyandsqueezedthatlastdropout,andthentuckedmy
semi-hardcockbackintomypantsandzippedmeup.

“There,nowIbetyoucanoverlookthecilantrothing,”shesaidasshegottoherfeet

andtookanotherlargedrinkfromherbeer.

“Yes,yesIcan.”Ifeltlightandwithoutacareintheworld.Leahwalkedaroundthe

kitchen enjoying her beer. I put coconut rice on our plates and poured the curry
overtop. I carried them over to the table and set them down, “Thai curry, hold the
cilantro.”

“This looks amazing Jack. What do you say we eat in front of that massive

television?”

I welcomed the suggestion, considering that was where I always had my dinner.

LeahwenttothefridgeandtookituponherselftorefillourbeerswhileIfireditup.

“It’s your place, feel free to watch Sports Center or whatever it is you normally

watch.”

“Watching sports puts me to sleep,” I answered, and wondered if she would be

disappointedIwasn’tajock.AnepisodeofFawltyTowerscameonbecausethatwasthe
lastthingIwatchedonDVD.

“IloveFawltyTowers!”shelaughed,thendugintothecurry.“OhmygodJack,this

is the best thing I have ever tasted.” Leah was sitting cross legged and enjoying her
meal. She looked extremely comfortable and content, which put me even more at
ease.

Welaughedandateanddrank,withfullbelliesandeasyheartswelaytogetheron

thecouchandwatchedseveralepisodes.

“DoyouhaveanySwellhere?”Leahasked,stilllookingatthetelevision.
I was surprised by her question. I repositioned myself and wrapped a quilted

blanketoverourfeet.“Nono,justwhiskeyandcigarshere.Whichremindsme,Igotus
bothacigar.”Itiltedmyheadinherdirectiontoseeherreaction.

“Yougotmeacigar?IguessIwillgiveitatry,”shelaughed.
“Nexttime,it’slate.”
Leah’s attention went to a text message from Louise asking her to meet up at

Madeline’s. She was with Rob, which I found interesting. Leah said she was content
havingaFridaynightalonewithmewatchingFawltyTowers,andthetruthwas,sowas
I. I couldn’t imagine leaving this comfortable nest we’d made. In fact, we had drunk
ourselves to a sleepy state and our eyes took turns resting and watching television. I
wascompletelyateasewithher,shemademyhomefeelcomplete.ThesefeelingIwas
havingforLeahweresomethingnewforme.

“Comeon,let’snotfallasleeponthecouch,”IsaidasIguidedhertomybedroom.

Welazilygotintobed,tiredfromfoodanddrink.Ireturnedthefavorandbroughther
toasleepyclimax,shegrabbedmyhairandtwisteditinlazydrunkenmovementson
thesoftsheetsasshecame.Welaythere,naked,holdingeachotherandcaressingone
anothersoftly,slowlyfallingasleep.

“Leah?”
“Yes?”
“Whywereyoulookingforatherapist?”
“Goodnight,Jack.”
“Goodnight.”
Sleepcamefast.

CHAPTER18

henIwokeup,Ididmystandardmorningassessmentofmysituation:WasIlate?

HowhungoverwasI?ItwasalovelySaturdaymorning,andthesunwaspouringinto
theroom.IhadnowheretobesoIwasnotlate.Isatupandwasdelightedtodiscover
that I felt fine; we must have drunk less than I thought because I felt no sign of a
hangover.

“Morningsunshine,”Leahsaidasshewalkedintotheroomwithcoffeeinhand.She

handedmethecup,andIgavethestandardresponse,“Goodmorning.”

Shelookedlikeshehadsomewheretobe,dartinginandoutofthebathroomand

gatheringherthings.

“Whereareyouoffto?”Iaskedbetweensipsofcoffee.
“ThereisaSaturdaymarkettodaybecauseofthelongweekend.”
“Right,wow.”Isetmycoffeedown,ranmyhandsthroughmyhair,andconsidered

thehardlaborinvolvedinsettinguphermarketstall.“Wantahand?”Iasked.

“Yes,butthankfullyIalreadyhaveanassistant,Louiseishelpingout.Sheisalready

atmyplaceandhaseverythingreadytogo.It’sgoingtobekindofagirl’sday.Thanks
fortheofferthough.”

IwasrelievedthatIwasn’tneeded.AsmuchasIenjoyedtheexperiencelasttime,I

wasn’tinthemoodtoraceofftothemarket.TodayIplannedonmakingsomehead-
wayinthegarageontheoldbike.Leahbentdowntomyseatedpositionandspoke,“I
reallyenjoyedlastnightJack.”

“When am I going to see you again?” I asked as she put her bag around her

shoulder.

“Well,IshouldspendthedaywithLouise,howabouttomorrow?Sundaydinnerat

myplace?”

“Perfect.No,wait,Ihavearehearsaltomorrow,thatfestivaliscomingfast.”
“Ican’tbelieveyouareplayingtheGallianoMusicFestival,that’sgoingtobeepic!”
“Itwillbefun.Wannabemydate?Wecanstayatmycottage,it’snotfar.We’dhave

tomakeaweekendoutofit.”

“YeahIdo!Thatsoundsawesome,Iamsurewewillcrosspathsbeforethen,”she

laughedattheendofhersentenceasshesometimesdid.

“Ihopeso.”
Shekissedme,Ikissedherback,andoffshewent.
Thiswasararefeelingforme,Isatbackagainstmypillowandletmyselffeelgood.

Iusuallyreelmyselfinwhenmyheartgetsawayfromme.IsuspectIamnotalonein

this jaded reflex when any emotion spikes, it’s very adult you know, to not allow
yourself to feel anything. I always thought it was sad, but I do understand how it
happens.Itisaboutcontrol,weneedtobeincontrolmoreandmoreaswegetolder.I
canrememberasachildIwouldlaughsohardnosoundwouldcomeoutofmywide
openmouth,andIwouldwavebackandforthatthemercyofthejoyouscontractions.
Usually the source would be a buddy making a silly noise or funny face behind
someone’s back, that was all it would take if the moment was right. I would laugh
uncontrollablylikeamadmanandthengrabmystomachandbreatheoutuntilIcame
to.Usuallytherewereaseriesofburstsandspitsbuteventuallyaslowexhalewould
wrap up the childish event. When I became a man, I put away childish things, and I
havebeentryingtogetthembackeversince.Somanyofusbecomeadultsandforget
howtolaugh,forgethowtolove.Leahwashelpingmeremember.

I reached over to set my cooling coffee on the night table and in an instant,

everything changed. I saw that my phone had the word VOICEMAIL in the corner of
thescreen;IhadbeensowrappedupwithLeah,Ihadcompletelyforgotten.Igrabbed
thephoneandwalkedtothewindowandlistenedtoMadeline’smessage.

Hey,Idon’tknowhowtosaythis...god,look,Jackit’sHeather.Sheisinthehospital,

sheoverdosed,IgothertothehospitalasfastasIcould,Iamherenow,itdoesn’tlook
good,Ithinkyoushouldcome.I’msorry.

Igazedoutthewindowandtookamomenttoprocess.Idon’teverremembergoing

fromsuchanextremestateofblisstohorrorasIdidinthatmoment.Afeelingofguilt
washedoverme,notonlyforonlygettingthisinformationnow,butforallthetimesI
couldhavebeenabetterfriend.Idon’tthinktherewasanyonewhowatchedoutfor
measmuchasshedid,andIdidsolittleinreturn.

Heather,myfriend,I’mcoming.
I got myself together in record time and tried to fire up the bike but it would not

start. “Fuck!” I yelled and threw my helmet in the corner of the garage. I raced my
truck to the hospital, the drive seeming to take forever. I thought of every little
moment I could have been better to Heather. I parked without paying and raced
through the large emergency sliding doors. The reception desk had a line of sick
lookingvagrantsthatIpushedthrough.

“HeatherSinclair!”Ishoutedatthereceivingnurse.
Thenurselookedannoyedbutansweredafterafewclicksathercomputer.
“Secondfloor,room213.”
Itookthestairstothesecondflooratarun,thenIslowedtoawalkasImademy

way down the wide hall lined with stretchers and waiting-room style chairs. Further
downthehall,IcouldseeMadelinesittinginoneofthosechairs,herstraightblackhair
tucked behind her ear, her face looked exhausted. Her black leather jacket fit her
snuglyandherblackdresswaslong.Shestoodtogreetme.

“Jack,wherehaveyoubeen?”Shequestioned.
“I just got your message this morning, what is going on?” I asked as I peered into

room213overMadeline’sshoulder.

“Idon’tknow,shehadtoomuch.”
“Is she O.K.?” I asked pushing through her to make my way into Heather’s room.

Madelinesteppedintomypathblockingmywayandraisedherhand.

“Thedoctorsaidtolethersleep.SheisnotO.K.,shecollapsedatthebarlastnight

and would not regain consciousness. When the ambulance arrived, her heart had
stoppedbeating,theyusedadefibrillatortobringherbackonthewaytothehospital.”

Itriedtomakesenseofthis.Heatherwasn’tintodrugs,shemayhavedabblednow

andthenbutthisdidn’tseemright;Iwasmissingsomething.Madelinewaspickingup
herpurseasifshewaspreparingtoleave.AlthoughIhadasenseofreliefthatHeather
wasalive,Madelinehadmeconfused.Ifeltlikesomethingwasnotright.

“Whatwassheon?”Iaskeddirectly.
“Idon’tknow,Ididn’tevenknowshewasatthebaruntilitwastoolate.Thedoctor

said there were several narcotics found in her blood,” Madeline answered, her body
languagemadeitclearshewantedtoleave.“Doyoumindstayinghereuntilherfamily
arrives?IhavebeenhereallnightandIneedtosleep.”

“Ofcourse,”Iansweredblankly.
Madelinehuggedmebriefly,tookastepbackandlookedmeintheeye.“I’msorry

Jack.”Andwiththat,shewalkedoff.

I stood frozen in thought, staring into nothing while she walked away. I tried to

compute all the information I had received. Something was not right. My attention
shifted to room 213. I slowly pushed the door open, trying to be as quiet as possible,
andsilentlymademywaytothefootofHeather’sbed.Shedidnotlookgood.Itwas
hardtoseeherinthisstate.Shelookedlikeshewasinacoma,perfectlystill,herskin
paleandherbreathsshortandfaint.ItoldmyselfthatIwouldbeabetterfriendtoher
fromnowon.Beingheremployeraswellalwaysleftmewithasenseofresponsibility
for her. I removed her chart from the foot of her bed to see if there was more
information.Unfortunately,therewasonlythebasics.

“CanIhelpyou?”Thesoftvoiceofagray-haired,maledoctorcamefromthedoor.I

putthechartbackandmethisconcernedeyes.

“Iamafriend,”Ispokequietly.
“Perhaps we should speak outside so we do not wake her.” His voice was mature

andauthoritative.

“Ofcourse,”Ireplied.WemadeourwaypastwhereMadelineandIhadspokenand

enteredavacantreceptionarea.

“DoctorConway,”hesaid,puttingouthishand.
Ishookhisextendedhandandreplied,“DoctorWillow.”
“Physician?”
“Psychiatrist.Ihaven’tbeentoldanythingotherthansheoverdosedonsomething

andherhearthadstopped.”

Dr. Conway took a slow breath before he spoke, “Do you know which drugs Ms.

Sinclairwasusing?”

“I do not, I didn’t realize she had a problem with drugs.” I looked away in brief

embarrassmentthencontinued.“Whatwassheon?”

“TobehonestDr.Willow,wedonotknow.”
“Toxicologymusthavecomeupwithsomething?”Iquestioned.
“Ofcourse,thereweresomecommonopiatesthatshowedup,buttheywereinsuch

smallamountsIdonotbelievethatthosearewhatcausedherhearttostop.”

“Thenwhatdid?”Iasked.

“Well,thisiswhereitgetsstrange.Wedonotknow.Thereareavarietyofchemicals

thatarenewtousthatwerefoundinherblood,andthisisnotthefirsttimewehave
seenthischemicalsoup.Overthepastsixmonthswehaveseenthismixturecomeup
moreandmorefrequently.Atthispointweseeanoverdoseatleastonceaweekfrom
thissameconcoction.NoteveryonehasbeenasluckyasMs.Sinclair.Iamafraidthere
isaverynewstreetdrugthatyourfriendhastaken.”

Ishookmyheadindisbelief.IftherewasanewdrugtakingoverBonnevilleIwould

haveheardaboutit,especiallyifitwascirculatinginMadeline’s,abusinessIhavedeep
tiestoinabuildingIown.

Dr. Conway broke the silence and asked, “Is there any information you have that

mighthelpus?”

“No,thisisthefirstIhaveheardofthis.IhadnoideaHeatherwasmessingaround

withanewstreetdrug.CouldIseethetoxicologyresults?”Iasked.

“Please. Perhaps you can make sense of them,” the doctor answered and went

behind the reception desk to retrieve the documents. I looked them over and, to my
surprise,theylookedfamiliar.Alongwithopiatesandsomeothercuriousresultsthere
wassomethingIwasveryfamiliarwith;therewasnomistakingwhatIwasseeing,it
jumpedoffthepage.

Swell.
“Do you recognize anything Dr. Willow?” asked the doctor, perhaps noticing a

changeinmyexpression.

Iclearedmythroatandlied,“No,I’mafraidIamasconfusedasyou.”
Swelljumpedoffthepage,butunlessHeathertookafistfulofunfamiliarpillsand

washedthemdownwithaglassofSwell,therewasonlyoneconclusionIcouldcome
upwithatthemoment.Swellhadbeentamperedwith.FromthecornerofmyeyeI
spotted Heather’s elderly mother’s concerned face. Our eyes met and it took her a
minute to recognize me. We had only met very briefly a couple of times. I stepped
awayfromDr.ConwaytoHeather’smother.

“ShehashadaroughnightbutsheisO.K.,”Ireassuredher.“ThisisDr.Conway.Dr.

Conway,thisisHeather’smother.”

IquicklygotthefeelingthatHeather’smomdidn’twantmetheresoIrespectfully

backedaway.Heatherwassleepinganyway,andperhapsitwouldbebestifIreturned
later.

Dr.Conway and Heather’s mothergot acquainted and Iwalked back to room 213.

Through the glass window I could see Heather, in a deep sleep, surrounded by the
medicalmachinesshewasconnectedto.Therewasonlyonepersonthatcouldanswer
thequestionsIhad,onepersonwhocouldhavetheaccessandknowledgetomesswith
thecompositionofSwell.Ireachedformyphoneandwentthroughmycontactsand
foundher.

Madeline.
Itextedher:
Whathaveyoudone?
I pressed send and looked back at Heather, my confusion turning into anger. Did

Madelinemesswiththeformula?WasHeatherapartofthis?Myphonevibratedwith
herresponse:

RobertetLouise,tomorrow,8pm
Mybloodbegantoboil;Iwouldmeetheratouroldhaunt.Ithadbeenmanyyears

sincewehadlastsatfacetofaceatthatbasementbar.Iwasoverwhelmedwithguilt
thatsomehowIwastheonethatstartedthis.IknewIwouldhavetobetheonetoend
it.

“ W

CHAPTER19

hatthefuck?”

Robrespondedasanyonewouldafterhearingmyrecountoftheday’searlier

events.AsIfilledhimin,Iwaslookingoverhisshoulderatmynewguitarrestingonits
stand.Ihadbarelytouchedit;Icertainlywouldnotplayittoday.IaskedtomeetRob
here at the rehearsal space not to vent or gossip, but hoping he could shed light on
whathappenedtoSwell.RobwasnostrangertoMadeline’sandeverythingshehadto
offer. I couldn’t be completely transparent of course, I needed to respect my
compartmentalizedlife,butRobhadnoknowledgeofmycontroversialmethodsinmy
professionallife.

“IthinkSwellhaschangedoverthelastfewmonths,haveyounoticed?”Iasked.
Robopenedacanofbeerthatlookedicecoldinhishands.Hetookaslowdrinkas

hecontemplated.Thebeerlookedgood,Iconsideredhelpingmyselftoonebutthought
it would be best to stay sharp for my meeting with Madeline that evening. Rob’s
internal deliberation was dragging on so I pushed him to answer, “I am not
interrogatingyouhereman,Heatheralmostdied.Infact,shediddie,herheartliterally
stopped beating and they brought her back, and it seems that happened because she
OD’donSwell.Forseveralmonths,peoplehavebeenshowingupatthehospitalinthe
samesituation.I’mtalkingaboutthesamebluedrinkthathasbeencomingoutofthat
placeforyears.Years!Therehasneverbeenaproblem,thenallofasudden,people’s
heartsarestopping.Somethingisn’tright.Youmusthavenoticedsomekindofchange
inthelastlittlewhile.”

“Well,yeahman,ImeanforonethingalmosteveryoneintheplaceisSwelledup

every night, it used to be a few that were in the know, but it has become the house
drink.Itain’tfuckingcheapsosomeoneismakingmoney.Otherthanthat,IcansayI
noticeditgetsundermyskinmore,likeratherthanhavingoneortwoIcan’tseemto
let it go. I always thought it was me that changed, you know, I started to like it too
much,butmaybeitwasthedrugthatchanged.”

Rob sat back and considered his revelation then spoke up again, “Or maybe not, I

can’t really say for sure. The only thing I can say is it’s no longer hidden; everyone’s
tongueisblue,andeveryonelovesit.”

Itookamomenttoprocessthisnewinformation.IhadonlybeentoMadeline’sa

fewtimesinthelastfewmonths;perhapsIamsoself-involvedthatIdidn’tnoticewhat
wasrightbeforemyeyes.WhenIpartookwithLeahIwassureIwouldhavenoticedif
thedrughadbeentamperedwith,sothatfurthercomplicatedthings.IfeltIwasclosing

inonthetruth,butwouldneedtogettothesourcebeforeIcouldbesure.Ineededto
speakwithMadeline.Iwasgettingrestlessandwasn’tableresistthebeertemptingme
from the fridge. I found myself hunched over, looking into the open fridge almost
beforeIdecidedtogetone.Itwashotintheroom,asitoftenwas,andthecoldcanfelt
goodinmyhand.

“Ihavetenminutes,let’sgettoitgentlemen.”
Greggwaltzedintotheroom,shuttingthedoorbehindhimwithabang.Hepushed

meawayfromthefridgeandgrabbedabeer.

“Wearestillrehearsingtonight,right?”Robspokefromtheedgeofhisseat.
“Can’t, kids have soccer this afternoon then dinner with the ‘rents tonight,” Gregg

repliedquicklyanddrankhisbeer.

“Ican’teitherman,sorry,”Iadded.
“Fuck!” Rob stood. He held our attention and spoke sincerely, “Fellas, I know we

have been doing this for a long time, but this is a big show. I think it might be the
biggest we’ve ever had. We owe it to ourselves to at least work out a set list and run
throughit.”

“Idon’tdisagreewithyou,butnottonight,”Ianswered.
“O.K., I’d say we could at least run through a few ideas now, but Mr. fucking ten

minutesoverherehastorun,”Robwasannoyed,andrightfullyso.

GregggaveRobalookthatonlybigguyscanpulloffthatclearlystatedback off. I

finished my beer, put the can on the table and said, “I am going to go check on
Heather.”

“Wait!Let’sjusttakeaminutehereandtalkaboutasetlist!”
“Wewillfigureitout,”Isaid,asIputonmyleatherjacket.
“O.K.,howarewegettingthere,whattimedowegoon,howmuchtimedowehave

to play, where are we staying?” Rob asked with his hands in the air in the standard
whatthefuckpose.

“Allvalidquestions,”Isaidwithlightsarcasm.
“Comeonman.”
“Wewillstayatmybeachhouse,it’scloseby.It’snothugebutitwilljustbeLeah

andI,sothereisasparebedroomandacouplecouchesforyoutwo,”Ispokewithmy
handonthedoorknob.

“Leah? Still seeing her eh? Taking her to the beach house, sounds serious,” Gregg

spokeasmarriedfriendsdo.Hewaslookingatmelikehewastryingtoluremeintoa
trap.

“Ilikeher,”wasallIcouldsayinresponse.Ofcourse,myfeelingsforLeahwerefar

more complex, deep, and intense but I didn’t feel like getting into that. Although my
three-word response was brief, it spoke volumes, and both Rob and Gregg seemed to
understandthatshewassomethingspecialinmyliferightnow.

“Mytenminutesareup.”GreggslammedhisbeerdownandturnedtoRob.“Itwill

befine.We’lldriveuptogetherinmyvanwiththeequipment,andourdivasingerwill
showupatthelastminute.”

“Ugh,” Rob fell back into the couch and Gregg and I headed down the industrial

stairstotheparkinglot.

Greggdivertedfromouridlechitchatandchangedhistonebeforewepartedways.

“Idon’tpretendtoknowwhatisgoingoninyourlifeman,it’snotmybusiness.ButI
have known you for a long time. If you’re in some trouble and need help, let me
know.”

“Thanksman,IshouldbeO.K.,butthanks.”
WhenIgotbacktothehospitalandgottoroom213IcouldhearHeather’sfamiliar

voice from outside the door. She sounded sick and tired but it was her. I lightly
knocked at the open door and eased into the room, holding some flowers that I had
boughtfromthegiftshopdownstairs.

“Heydarling,”IwalkedpastayoungladyIdidnotrecognizeandputtheflowersby

thebed.“Sorrytointerrupt,”Isaidtotheyounglady.

“Not at all, I was just leaving.” She gave Heather a hug the best she could, wished

herwell,andwentonherway.Itwasobviousthattheyoungladywasagoodfriendof
Heather’s,anditoccurredtomeIdidn’tknowanyofHeather’sfriends.Shewouldtalk
aboutthemfromtimetotimeatwork,butIneverpaidmuchattention.

“Howareyoufeeling?”Iasked.
“I’vefeltbetter,”sheanswered.
“It’sgoingtobeO.K.;wewillgetthroughthis.”Ispokeasifwewereinthistogether.
“IfuckedupJack.”
“It’sO.K.”
“Idon’tknowhowthingsgotsooutofhand.”
“It’snotyourfault.”
“I should have said something to you, I saw what was happening, I got out of

control...”

Heatherlookedtiredanditseemedtotakeagreatdealofeffortforhertotalk.Igot

the feeling she was about to try to explain how Swell had evolved, and perhaps her
indirectinvolvement.Shedidn’thavetoexplainherselftomerightnow.Ijumpedin
soshedidn’thavetospeak.

“Iknow,andit’sO.K.I’mnotmad,IamjusthappythatIdidn’tloseyoulastnight.

WasSwelltheonlythingyoutook?”

Heather took a moment before answering. She seemed like she was dealing with

somepain.Shenoddedherheadbeforeshespoke,“Yes.Ican’tseemtocallitanight
anymore. As soon as it touches my lips the fangs come out. It’s not like before; it
changesyou.It’sgood,toogood.I’veseenpeoplesooutofcontrolthey...”

Again, I stopped her because she seemed to be fatiguing herself. “Look, it’s over

now,andthisisnotyourfault,itismine.”

I sat in the chair next to her, stroked her shoulder, and spoke softly because her

eyeswereclosed.“Youhavebeenadearfriendtome,thankyou.Everythingisgoing
tobeO.K.”

Aslightsmileformedonthecornerofherlips.Icontinuedtospeaksoftlybecause

shewasdriftingtosleep,“Ihopeyoudon’tthinkyouaretakingasickdaytomorrow.”

Heather gave a very slight exhale at that, and a full smile creased across her lips.

Sherepliedtomyjoke,“IthinkyouaregoingtohaveanawkwardMondaymorning
Dr.Willow.”Obviously,shewasreferringtothespectaclethatclosedtheworkingday
Friday.

“Letmeworryaboutthat,youshouldrest.”

IwishedherwellandassuredherIwouldcontinuetocheckinonher.Shetoldme

nottoworry,butIcouldtellsheappreciatedmyattention.Heatherdriftedofftosleep
andIslippedoutoftheroom.Addictionisverydifficulttoexplain,butthatwasexactly
whatHeatherwasdescribing.Swellhadbecomeanewcocktailofdrugsthatnotonly
increased its power, but made it highly addictive. If it had taken hold of Heather, a
womanwhowasnotknownforherlackofself-control,itseffectswouldbecripplingto
someonewhowaspronetoaddictivebehavior.Idrovemytruckinthelateafternoon
summerhazeandthoughtaboutwhatDr.Conwayhadsaidaboutpeoplelosingtheir
lives from this new street drug. Did I have blood on my hands? This was not what I
created,butIdidplanttheseedthatcreatedthispoison.

IhadsometimebeforemymeetingwithMadeline,soIdroveupRoyalMountain

andsatinmytrucktothink.ItwasagreatviewofBonneville;IcouldseetheMercier
Bridgeinagapofthedominatingskyline.Icouldn’tseemyhousebutIwasabletosee
Pender faintly in the distance. This was the center of everything for as long as I can
remember;Bonneville.IguessitgavemeasenseofpridethatIcouldnotonlysurvive,
but thrive, in such a place. I knew the city well, everywhere I looked there were
memories.So,Ididwhatsomanydowhentheygettoacertainage,Ijustsatthereand
thoughtofthepast.IthinkIwassolostinthoughtthatIlaughedoutloudaloneinmy
truckatonepoint.

MyattentionwenttotheradioshowIwaslisteningto,Icouldrememberlistening

to the same radio show with the same host when I was a child. The voice from the
truckspeakersbegantotalkaboutthenewestandgreatestbandthatwouldbeplaying
the upcoming music festival in Galliano. He gave a long introduction that piqued my
interest. I have a habit of not paying attention to new bands, but the radio host sold
them well, and of course, I wanted to see what the competition was doing. The band
was called And Then… The young star is constantly in the media but I did not know
theirmusic.TheradiohostsaidtheyhavebeenwithRamseyRecordsforseveralyears.
IalwayssawRamseyRecordsasaplacewheremusicgoestodie.I’dbeenapproached
bythepresident,DonaldRamsey,manyyearsago.Hewasanawfulhumanbeing–I
toldhimtofuckoff.

Iturneduptheradiowhenthesongstartedtoplay.Thesongwascalled“Spaceship

Limousine.”Imadeapointoflisteningtoeveryword.Anoldblackdustyeighty-three
ThereisaswitchbehindtheicemachineThattakesmeofftheroadTothemoonandback
aroundIamtiredofflyingaloneInmyspaceshiplimousineIsawhertownsoIturned
around,IlandedhardwithanawfulsoundHershiftwasnearlydoneIstoodoutsidein
the pouring rain and did a night-time lamppost lean I hope she won't back down Long
blackhair,herlipswerered,shelitapastduecigarettewhenIsawherstandingthereI
spokeHoldondon'tleaveit'sfartoolateforwalking,LetmegiveyouaridehomeSilence
hungbetweenus-ImotionedtomynewmachineandshesmiledandwalkedaroundWe
hadadrink,onceshefinallygotin,herwetblackhairfellpastherchinsheaskeddarling
where shall we go I reached my hand behind the ice machine now there's something
aboutthislimousineandIthinkthatyoushouldknowHoldondon'tleaveitistoolateto
bewalkingLetmegiveyouaridehometonightWewillflyawayfromhereIknowyouwill
likethis

Holdonfortakeoff

I felt good because I thought we were a considerably better band than what I just

heard.Ididn’thateit,Ijustthoughtwewerebetter.TheD.J.saidthenextsongdidn’t
need an introduction, and indeed it did not; it was our only hit and it played on the
radiooften.Thesongwascalled“Julia.”IhatedlisteningtomyownvoicesoIturned
offtheradio.

The sun, low in the sky, created a warm light that cascaded over the buildings. I

lookedoutatthebeautifulsightandsomehowknewIwasmovingontoanewchapter
inmylife.Ihadamoment,almostthankingthesinfultownforallithasgivenme,and
deep inside me, I said goodbye. I didn’t know how, and I didn’t know when, but
standing there, looking down on the city that had always been my home, I knew I
wouldoneday,maybesoon,leaveitbehind.Isawthousandsofmemories,butashard
as I tried I could not see a future. My future was somewhere beyond the horizon.
Suddenly,Ididn’tfeellikeanoldmandreamingofthepast,butamanexcitedabout
whatcouldlieahead.IneveryscenarioIdreamedup,Leahwasthere.Ourrelationship
wasverynew;westillhadmuchtolearnabouteachother,butthatdidnotmatter.I
feltlikeIhadfoundthewomanIwouldcreateahomewith.IneededtofixthismessI
createdandputitbehindme.IneededtoletMadelineknowthatshehadgonetoofar.I
hoped she would be ashamed and apologetic, and we would make plans to fix this
together.IreallyhadnoideawhatIwouldencounterthateveningbutIwasaboutto
findout.Thesunhadalmostsetanditwastimetogotothatfamiliarbasementbarin
towntomeetMadeline.Ihadalwaysheldherinhighregard,therewasalwaysrespect
for her, but she had severely betrayed my trust. I don’t think I knew who she was
anymore, the woman I met years ago would never have allowed something so
dangeroustohappen.Idroveofftomeetthisstrangerandperhapscreateanenemy.

CHAPTER20

stood looking at the stone façade of Robert et Louise. This part of town I did not

frequent,sothelasttimeIsetmyeyesonthisbuildingmayhavebeenthelasttimeI
had met Madeline here. It was oddly quiet, the cork bottoms of my boots echoed
through the alleys with every step I took. I adjusted my black leather jacket, pushed
backmyhair,andswungopentheheavywoodendoor.Thesmelloftheplacebrought
back memories and made me feel like I was nineteen years old again, when I was
excited and proud that an older, sexy woman wanted to spend time with me. Not to
mentionthatshewasmyprofessor.Thatwasalmostfifteenyearsago.Iamagrown
mannow,andIamnotexcitedtoseeMadeline.Iwalkedthroughthemainleveldining
area, there was an open kitchen with a wood burning oven. It was exactly as I
remembered.

Iwentdownthenarrowstairstothedimlylitbasement.Itsstonewallsandoldhard

woodfloorswerelitbycandlelight;nowindowsmeantnonaturallight.Itwasnota
largespace,thereweresometablesinthemiddleoftheroomwheresomepatronssat.
The far wall had a small set of Victorian couches that were being used by a group. A
simplebar,madeofancient-looking,rough-cutwood,linedthewallclosesttome,and
attheendofthebar,inthesameseatshehadtakenallthoseyearsago,satMadeline.

Sheslowlydrankaglassofredwine,shelookedlikeshehadherhairdonebecause

therewerewavesandcurlsratherthanherusualstraighthair.Sheworehigh-heeled
shinyblackbootsandarevealingblackdress.Theexposedskinonherthighsandarms
lookedflawless,shewasalwaysastrikingwomanandhadagedwell.Shelookedatme
exactly as she did all those years ago, like she was still the professor and I was her
student.AsIwalkedtohershepushedoutabarstoolwiththetipofherboot.

“Jack,”shesaidasshedippedherheadslightlyandraisedaneyebrow.
Isatdownandlookedherdeadintheeyetotrytogetasenseofherintention,but

hercardswereclosetoherchestandhereyesrevealedverylittle.Iheldeyecontact
anddidnotblink.

“Whathaveyoudone?”Iasked.
“Youmustmeanwhathavewedone,”sheresponded.
“Ihavenothingtodowiththis,”Iwhispered,exceptforthewordnothing,causing

peopletostare.

“AreyousoinnocentJack?Youbroughtthisdrugtome,yousendyourpatientsto

me,youclaimtobeadoctor—whatkindofdoctorwouldabusetheirpowerlikethis?
Are you trying to help people or are you playing with people’s lives for your own

amusement?”

I still did not blink and answered her plainly, “I don’t know what game you are

playing but I am not taking the bait. Whatever drug you are selling is not what I
broughttoyouallthoseyearsago.”

“Ihavemadesomeadjustments.”
“Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?”
“Imadesomechangesaboutayearago.IamnotgettinganyyoungerandIhavea

retirementtoconsider.TheoriginalSwellkeptthebusinessintheblack,soIjusttooka
goodthingandmadeitbetter.”

“You made a chemically addictive narcotic that has killed people; it almost killed

Heather.”

“I am sorry for that, truly. Heather is dear to me. But I do not regret what I have

doneJack,andIamgoingtoexpandonthis.”

Ileanedincloser,“Youarebetterthanthis.Yousoundlikeaderangeddrugdealer.”
“Youcouldcallanybarowneradrugdealer,theyareallsellingahighlyaddictive

drug. How am I worse, because it is illegal? You would be foolish and naïve if you
thoughtthat.Ihavetomakealiving;whoareyoutotellmehoworhownottolivemy
life?”

“Haveyoubeengivingmypatientsyourpoison?”
“No. Heather has only sent me a couple since these changes had taken place and

theyhadyourtraditionalSwell.”

“WhatdidIdrinkthetimeIwastherewithLeah?”
“Leah?Oh,theblonde.Thestaffknowstogiveyouyouroldboringrecipe.”
“So,Leahhadthenewandimprovedthen?”
Madeline gave a smug smile that implied Leah had indeed consumed her blue

poison.

“Thisstopsnow;ourarrangementisdone.”Ispokefirmly.
ThebartenderapproachedusandIorderedaScotch.Madelinewavedthebartender

offindicatingshewasfinewithherglassofwine.

“Iwillgladlystopdoingyourdirtyworkforyouifthatiswhatyoumean.Itwasan

interesting little experiment but I would be quite happy never seeing one of your
patientsagain,”shebegantospeakdismissively.

“YoualmostkilledHeather,andthedoctoratthehospitaltoldmesomeonehaddied

from the same drug. Whatever chemical twist you put on Swell, it is still based on
something I created. I will not have something I started creating drug addicts and
stoppingpeople’shearts.”

“LikeIsaid,Iamnotgoingtostop.Iamgoingtoexpand.”
Therewasaviolentsilencethathungbetweenus,itwasbecomingclearneitherof

usweregoingtogetwhatwewantedoutofthismeeting.ThebartenderputtheScotch
downinfrontofme,Ibroughtittomylipsandletthesinglemaltwhiskeyfallintomy
mouth.

“IcanruinyouJack.”Hervoicewasoddlytenderandsweet,anddidnotmatchher

harshwords.

IcontinuedtodrinkmyScotchandslowlyputtheglassbackonthetable.
“Iwasthinkingthesamething.”

“YouwouldbesurprisedwhatIamcapableof.”
“IthinkIambecomingawareofwhatyouarecapableof.”
“Iwillexposeyouandyourcareerwillbeover.IfyoufuckwithmylivelihoodIwill

fuckwithyours.”Hervoicehadbecomethinandsharp.

ThiswasasideofherIhadnotseenbefore,itwasaninterestingcardforhertoplay.

Iamsureifshe wantedto,shecould endmycareer.Ifinished thelastofmy Scotch
whilelookingherintheeye.

“Swellisnotyourstosell.”
“WhatIhavecreatedmakesSwelllooklikeaspirin,besides,youcan’tcopyrightan

illegaldrug,Jack.”Shestoodandputherfaceclosetomine.“Let’sjustgoourseparate
ways,Iwillpaytherentontimeandyoucankeeponplayingdoctor.”

IwashappyshehadnotforgottenthatIwashalfownerofthebuildingherbusiness

resided in, that I was her landlord. That was indeed my only power in this situation,
andherthreatdidputusatastalemate.

“Just leave me alone, and I will leave you alone,” she said her final words and

walkedaway.

I watched her, even as my blood boiled with anger I still couldn’t help but notice

how sensual she moved as she disappeared up the stairs. She turned her head at the
lastmomentandgavemeasmile.SheknewIwaswatchingherbodyswaysidetoside
upthestepsandthatgaveherasmallsenseofpower.IquicklylookedawaylikeIhad
beencaught,whichwassomethingIregrettedinstantly.

“CanIgetyouanother?”thebarkeepasked.
Irepliedwithanodandpushedmyglassforward.Ineededtoprocess,andwhiskey

would help. I sat at that bar and thought of my next move. Could I just turn a blind
eye?HadthisbecomesomethingmorepersonalbetweenMadelineandI?Ipulledout
my phone to see if Leah had sent a message. She had not. I knew it was best to not
contact her, I was a couple whiskeys in, and as a general rule, late-night drunken
messagesareabadidea.

My methods may be questionable but my experiments with patients had not just

beenwellintentioned,theyhadbeeneffective.IdidnotregretmychoicesandIwas
not ashamed. But there was no question I would be raked through the coals if my
experiments were made public. The thought of losing my license and the public
shamingthatwouldfollowwasadifficultthoughttobear.Itwouldmakethefrontpage
oftheBonnevilleTimesIamsure.Journalistsloveasexscandalmorethananything
else, a reporter could make their career by ruining mine. Of course, I would take
Madelinedownwithme,andwewouldbothbeshamed,broke,andtrappedinthelegal
system without a career or future. That could be my reality. I couldn’t bear the
thought. The worst part would be having my life exposed for everyone to see. No
longercompartmentalized,allthesafetywallswouldbetorndownandmylifewould
beinshamblesandeveryonewouldknow.

Ineededanotherdrink.Iraisedmyemptyglasstothebarkeepandheresponded

accordingly.Icouldseethelabelashepoured—TalliskerStorm.Imadeamentalnote
because it was good and I had not seen it before. The drink was taking hold and
constructivethoughtwouldhavetowait.Itdidnotmatter;itwasnotasifIwasgoing
to take any kind of action tonight. I was in far too emotional a state to make any

decisions.

Go home, said a voice in my head. I looked at the empty glass in front of me, the

barkeepmusthaveplayedatrickonmebecauseIhadnorecollectionofdrinkingit.I
gavethe barkeep a suspiciouslook and he returnedmy gaze with concern. Go home,
thevoiceofreasonbeckonedagain.IgavethebarkeepascowltolethimknowIknew
itwasn’toverbetweenhimandI.Ilaysomemoneyonthebar,thenwaddledoutto
the street and pulled out a Trinidad Cigar that was cut and ready. Leaning against a
lamppost, I just smoked my cigar and thought of nothing. That is the best part of
smokingacigar,peoplealwayslooksopensivewhilesmokinginphotos,butthetruth
is,thosecigarsmokersdon’thaveasinglethought.Whenyousmokeacigaryouare
simplycalmlyexisting,thoughtsandcontemplationsareputtothesideandyousimply
observeyoursurroundingsandenjoythemoment.

Theairwashotandhumid;Ilovedhotsummernights.IconsideredhowIwould

gethome,drivingwasnotanoption.Ilookedatmytruckparkedonthecorner,itis
suchastrangefeelingleavingyourvehicleinthecity.IfeltlikeIwasleavingmyhorse
behind.

“Well,well,well,ifitisn’tMr.Willow.”
Iturnedtoseeanoldacquaintance,hernamewasSarah.
“Hey.”Ipushedoffthelamppostandstoodstraight.
“Lookslikeyouaretreatingyourselfwellthisevening,”shesaidasshesteppedin

closer.Sarahworeatanktopandtightwhitepants.I’dneverhadmuchtotalkabout
withherbutshewasyoungandhotandlovedtospoilme.WhowasItodenyher?Go
home;thatvoicewasbeginningtosoundconcerned.

“Whatareyaupto?”sheasked.
“Well,IwasjustapologizingtomytruckbecauseIamleavingherbehind.”
“Probablyagoodmove,Iamsureyourtruckwillunderstand.Wantalift?”
Fuck,saidthevoiceinmyheadthat,quitefrankly,wasbeginningtoannoyme.
“Ifyou’reheadedthatway,”Ianswered.
“C’monmister,I’mtakingyouhome.”Shemotionedformetofollow.
Itwasashortwalktohercar,abrand-new,jet-blackDodgeChallenger.
“Coolcar,”IsaidasIclimbedintothepassengerseat.
“Ah, it’s a grocery getter.” She fired up an engine that was obviously not stock; it

rumbled and shook me in my seat. When she gave it gas, I felt the frame of the car
twist. I began to wonder if this was any safer than me driving my truck home. I was
pusheddeeperintomyseataswepoweredawayintothenight.

Oncewewereglidingalongthehighway,Sarahbegantomakeconversation.“So,I

haven’theardfromyouinawhileJack,howhaveyoubeen?”

“I’vebeendoingmybest.”
“Ihadfunlasttimewehungout,”shesmiledandlookedatmeoutofthecornerof

hereyeasshespoke.

“Ididtoo,”Ipolitelyanswered.
Sarah suffers from the same afflictions as I do; we met a few years ago when she

workedatatollboothforthehighwayItookwhenIwentsouthtothebeachhouse.I
sawheronce,andinthemeresecondsittooktomakethetransactionIcouldtellthat
shewaslikeme,andIwaslikeher.ThesecondtimeIsawheratthetollboothIasked

forhernumber,shegaveittomeonlittlepieceofpaperwhilesomeonewashonking
behindme.Igotherabetterpayinggigatalocalclubthatsheseemedtolike.Shehad
never hinted at wanting any kind of commitment, we just enjoyed each other’s
company every now and again. But something had changed on my end since I met
Leah,andIwasreevaluatingmywayoflife.

She giggled in response and pouted her lips. “You know it makes me sad when I

don’thearfromyouJack.”

Ismokedmycigarcarefullysothesmokewouldgooutthewindow,thenlookedat

herwithoutaresponse.

“Don’t I make you feel good?” she asked, shifting in her seat. The sexual energy

comingoffherwastakingaholdofme.Itfeltlikeasunrisejustabovemybeltbuckle,
the voice that was telling me to go home had given up, and the devil inside me had
taken over. The devil I knew so well began to make justifications: You just met Leah,
she will never know, you haven’t made any commitments yet, this might be that last
chancetobewithSarah.Thedevilinsidemehadmanyvalidpoints.

IlookedatherlikeIwastellinghershewasbeingbad,sheseemedtoloveiteven

thoughthatwasnotwhatIwastryingtodo.Wewereatmyhouse,wesattherewith
themotorrumbling.

“Icanmakeyoufeelgoodrightnowifyouwant.”
“You don’t want to kiss me after I smoked this thing,” I laughed. I needed to cool

down.Iwasextremelyturnedon,andwithallthedarknessofrecentevents,asweet
sexual moment would be a divine distraction. But I wanted to stay true to Leah; I
shouldhavetakenataxi.

“Iwasn’tthinkingofkissingyouonthelips,”sheglancedatmycrotch,surelyseeing

thebulgeofmyerection.

I can honestly say that until that moment, I could not remember having such

restraint. Just because I had lived my life a certain way for so long didn’t mean I
couldn’tchange.Leahwaschangingme.IknewIcouldeasilyhavethismomentwith
Sarah,andLeahwouldneverknow.ButIwouldknow.Itwasn’tjustaboutstayingtrue
toLeah,itwasaboutstayingtruetomyself.

“Imetsomeone.IthinkImighthaveagirlfriend.”Ilaughedatmyownwords.
“Youthinkyouhaveagirlfriend?Wellyoushouldprobablyfigureitout.O.K.Jack,

wellyourpossiblegirlfriendisaluckygirl.”

“Thanksfortheride.”
“Havefunwhackingoff.”
“Iwill.”
Iclosedthecardoorandwalkedupthepathtomyhouse.Ifeltlikeasoldierthat

wascomingbackfrombattletobasecamp,itwasjustthatkindofday.Notgivinginto
Sarah made me feel like I had reached a new stage in my relationship with Leah.
UnbeknownsttoLeah,shewasbecomingmygirl.IthinkItookabigstepinthatcarto
gettowhereIpersonallyneededtobe.

After drinking as much water as I could, I went to bed and set an alarm. Heather

wouldnotbeintotheofficesoIwouldhavetobeearly.WithmyheadonthepillowI
thought of Heather, I thought of Madeline, and I thought about the damage control I
wouldhavetodoatworktomorrow.Butmostly,IthoughtaboutLeah.Ireachedover

tomyphonetoturnonasecondalarmandsawatextmessagefromher.Itwarmed
myheartandmademefallasleepwithasmile.Itwasonlytwowords,butitwasallI
neededtohear.

SweetDreams:)

CHAPTER21

woketothemixofanobnoxiousD.J.boomingoutofmyclockradio,andthemelodic

chirps of the alarm on my phone piercing my skull. Why do I drink? I thought to
myself. I sat up and turned off the alarms and began my revival process swiftly; I
neededtobesharptoday.ItwasonlywhenIsteppedoutside,dressedandready,thatI
rememberedthatnotonlymytruckwasleftinthecity,butmybikewasnotcurrently
inrunningcondition.

I stood there for a moment with my brown leather briefcase hanging over my

shoulder and considered my options. I figured I should at least try to get the bike
running. Luckily, after some minimal trouble-shooting, I had it fired up and I was
racingwest.IdrovepastLeah’sexitandwishedIwasgoingtoherhousetohelpher
outwithhermorningchoresratherthangoingintotheoffice.Therearetimesinlife
you have to force yourself to show up; when everything in you wants to sit it out. It
would be easy to just give up, but you know it wouldn’t be right. Today was one of
thosedays.TherewasachanceIhadnothingtoworryabout.PerhapsDr.McCormick
andthepatientsinthewaitingroomwhoheardtheintercomfiascohadforgottenitby
now,maybeitwasn’tasbadasIthought.Thatwaswishfulthinking,becauseofcourse
itwasgoingtobebad,noonehadforgotten,andIhadsomeexplainingtodo.

Iparkedmybikeinmyusualspotalongsidethecobblestonestreet.Ilookedupand

saw Dr. McCormick at the window of his office. It seemed he was waiting for me to
showup.Apparently,hedecidedtocomeinearlyaswellthisMondaymorning.Even
early, I was keeping to my routine, which included grabbing a coffee from the little
shopacrossthestreetbeforeheadinguptotheoffice.WhenIopenedthedoortothe
café it caused a little bell to ring, reminding me of the fighting bell before a boxing
match.Ididn’thavetoplaceanorder,whenIwasnoticedbytheyounglady,shegotto
workonmyusualAmericano.

Withcoffeeinhand,Iwalkedupthestepstothereceptionarea,wherenormallyI

wouldbegreetedbyasarcasticremarkfromHeather,butonthisMondaymorning,Dr.
McCormickwasstandingbehindthedeskrummagingthroughfiles.

“Here it is, and anything else I can do, please let me know.” Dr. McCormick was

speakingtoacrosslookingladyandtwosternlookinggentlemen.Theytookthepapers
fromhimwithoutcommentandlookedthemover.Dr.McCormickgavemealookas
hewalkedoutfrombehindthedeskthatmademewanttohithim.

“Dr.WillowIpresume?”theladyaskedflatly,whilethetwogentlemenweretaking

photosofthefiles.

“Yes,”Ianswered.
Dr.McCormickpositionedhimselfbehindthetriowithhisarmscrossed,makingit

clearwho’ssidehewason.

“Isthereaproblem?”Iasked.
“Dr.Willow,IamAvaMunro,IamfromtheEthicsBoardforMedicalPractitioners.

ThesearedetectivesKepetskiandO’Brien.”

One of the detectives chimed in with an authoritative voice. “We have some

questionsforyou.”

“Sure,O.K.,pleasecomeintomyoffice,”Isaid,tryingtoconcealmynervousness.
Thefourofuswentintomyoffice,leavingDr.McCormickinthereceptionarea.I

satbehindmydeskwhilethetwodetectivesscannedtheroom.AvaMunro’seyeswere
full of judgment and watched my every move. I sat behind my desk, feeling a faint
comforthavingaphysicalbarrierbetweenmeandmyinterrogators.Thethreeofthem
remainedstanding.Ms.Munro’shandswerefoldedinfrontofher,shelookedstoicin
her pleated pant suit. One of the detectives closed my office door before Ms. Munro
broketheice.

“Dr.Willow,myjobissimple.Iinvestigateallseriouscomplaintsagainstdoctorsin

thegreaterBonnevillearea,andbasedonmyfindingsIdecideifthedoctorinquestion
willbeputtoatribunal.Inyourcase,Dr.Willow,thecomplaintiscriminalinnature,
andasperprotocol,Imusthavelawenforcementpresent.”Shemotionedtohertwo
companions,thenadded,“Theywillalsohavequestions.”

“Iamconfusedastothenatureofallthis,andIamafraidIamshortontimeasI

have a patient coming in this morning.” My heartbeat was rapid and my throat was
tight,IwassureIwasexudingguiltwitheverybreath.

“Due to the severity of the accusations against you, your license to practice

medicinehasbeensuspended.Allyourpatientswillbenotified.”

Istoodupdefiantlyandloweredmyvoice,“Andwhataccusationsmightthesebe?”
“Sexual assault,” one of the detectives said, loud enough for the entire building to

hear.

“That’sridiculous!”Iansweredquickly.
Theotherdetectivetookastepcloserandsaid,“Weknowyouhadsexualrelations

withapatienthereinthisoffice,andfrankly,thatisenoughtohaveyourlicensetaken
away.Whatwearegoingtofindout,exactly,isifyoutookadvantageofyourposition
tomanipulatethiswoman.DidyoudrugherbeforetheassaultMr.Willow?”

“Idismissthepremiseofthequestion,”Ianswered.
Ms.Munrospoketomewithanemotionlessvoice,“Mr.Willow,yourcasewillbe

goingtothetribunal.Thecomplaintcamefromareputabledoctor,whowillbealsobe
involved in the hearing as a witness. If the detectives have reasonable evidence of
sexualassault,yourcasewillbecomecriminalandimmediatelytransferredovertothe
police. Until and unless you are officially criminally charged, your fate will be in the
handsoftheethicsboard.”

Iwalkedaroundmydeskandtookafewstepsclosertomyinterrogators.Ispoke

calmly,“IfIunderstandcorrectly,atthistime,Iamnotbeingarrested,soIwillaskall
ofyoutoleave.Ihavenothingtosaywithoutthepresenceofmylawyer.”

Ms.Munrocontinuedtospeakinthatprofessionalemotionlessvoice,“Yournotice

toappearbeforethetribunalwillbesenttoyourresidence.Asperprocedure,weareto
escort you out of the building and you are not to return unless cleared of all
accusations.”

“Wehaveretrievedthecontactinformationoftheallegedvictimfromyourfilesand

will be contacting her shortly. You are not to have any contact with Ms. Jenson,” the
detectivesaidsmugly.

“Doyouhaveasearchwarranttogothroughmyfiles?”Iquestioned.
The detective closest to the door chimed in, “Because this is a shared enterprise

betweenyouandDr.McCormick,hewasabletograntusaccesstothisinformation.”

Dr.McCormick.Itwasveryclearthatallofthiswashisdoing.Tothink,mycareer

could be over because of spite and the need for more square footage. I was sure
McCormickhadalreadytoldhisfriendtostartpackinghisbags.Ididfeelafaintsense
ofreliefthatIwasnotbeinginvestigatedforthedistributionofanillegalnarcotic.

“Ifthereisnothingelse?”Ms.Munromotionedtothedoor,suggestingitwastime

forthewalkofshame.

IlookedaroundforanythingImightwanttotakewithme,butIhadnotreasures.I

grabbedmystillwarmcoffeeandheadedoutthedoor.McCormicklookedassmugasI
hadeverseenhim,withhisarmscrossed,hewaggedhisheadsidetoside.Hisattention
went to my escorts and, like a teacher’s pet vying for approval, he said, “If there is
anythingIcandoofficers,pleaseletmeknow.”

“Thank you sir, we have your contact information. Good day.” Ms. Munro did not

makeeyecontactwithhimandheadeddownthestairs.IwasgratefulthatIcamein
earlyandtherewasnooneinthewaitingroom.ItriedtolookMcCormickintheeye,
but he was doing everything possible to avoid looking directly at me. I was already
gonetohim.Therewereyearsofspiteandjealousyandhewaslovingeveryminuteof
this.

Intheparkinglot,mythreenewfriendsandIhadourfinalwordsforthemorning.

Oneofthedetectiveshandedmeacardandtoldmetokeepintouch.Thedetectives
drove off in a black car with tinted windows and Ms. Munro left in her white plain
government sedan. I stood there on the sidewalk with my coffee in hand and brown
leatherbaghangingoffmyshoulder,feelingslightlyshell-shockedfrommysituation.
TherewasaprofessionallookingsignnexttothedoorthatsaidDr.Willow,andbelow
that had Dr. McCormick. This would mean he would not have to worry about any
renovations, his college buddy, Dr. Friend, would just take my office, or perhaps
McCormickwouldtakemyoffice,sinceitisslightlylarger.Islowlywalkedawayfrom
thedoor,lookingaroundatthisbeautifulcitystreet,wonderingifIwouldevercome
back.Itookadeepbreathandconsideredthepossibility.Itdidn’tleavemewithdread,
so maybe it was time to move on. I had achieved things here that I was extremely
proudof,somethingsIwaslessproudof,butIknewIcouldwalkawaywithmyhead
held high if I had to. I could fight this, I could win and come back and deal with Dr.
McCormick again, get the same fucking coffee at the same fucking place every
morning.Ithrewmycoolingcoffeeinagarbagecanandsetofftocrossthestreetto
my bike, but to my surprise a familiar voice was shouting my name from the office
door.

“Jack!”McCormickshouted.

Hewalkedovertomeandputhishandsslightlyupanddownasifhewascalming

anangrydog.Ididn’tsayaword,therewerenowords.

“Jack,look,saveyourselfsomeembarrassmentandjustcomeclean.TheguyItold

youaboutwilltakeoveryourhalfoftheleaseandyoucouldjustwalkaway.”

“Whatexactlydidyoutellthem?”Ispokecalmly,eventhoughtherewerefireworks

explodinginsideofme.

“Ihadto.Youhavegonetoofar.Look,Ican’tmakeanychangesuntilyousignthe

leaseover,whoknowshowlongyouwillbetiedupinthismess.Whydon’tyoujust
signitovernowandbedonewithit?”Ididn’tnoticeuntilthenthathehadsomepapers
in his hand. I figured they were the lease transfer papers. He held them up
disrespectfullyclosetomyface.

“Takethoseoutofmyface.”Itwasbecomingmoredifficulttoconcealmygrowing

hatredforhim.

“Fine, when you’re ready to sign let me know.” He spoke as smugly as ever. We

stood in silence for a moment then he stepped in closer and asked, “Did you have
somethingtodowithHeatherbeinginthehospital?Ithinkyoushouldstayawayfrom
her.”

Ihithim.
Myfisthitthemotherfuckerinthejawwithasmackingsound.Hefellonhisback

andforamomenthewasmotionlessontheunevensidewalk.Mybriefcasehadfallen
to the ground next to his feet, and as I picked it up he began to come to. I looked
aroundtoseewhomighthaveseenouraltercation,buttomysurpriseandreliefthere
was not a single witness. He slowly got to his feet and frantically waved his hands
around.

“Stay away!” He sounded like a frightened child. “You will pay for that!” He

stumbledbackfearfullythendisappearedintothebuilding.

Ifelttheadrenaline,butIwasn’toutofcontrol.Ratherthanmakingmeshakeand

lose my breath, it lightened me up. Hitting that piece of shit felt good, I had known
what I was doing, and I gave no fucks. Hitting him square in the jaw is a memory I
wouldreplaythatwouldwarmmyheartformanyyearstocome.Knockingthatputz
outsymbolizedachoice;Iwouldnotgobacktothatofficeeveragain.Iwalkedtomy
bike and felt light on my feet. Maybe these unfortunate events needed to happen to
makemeshiftgears.IsawDr.Putzinhisofficewindowholdingatoweltohisbleeding
lip,andIcouldn’thavebeenhappier.

I got on the highway and began the process of mentally putting away the past. I

droveasfastastheoldbikecouldtakeme.Iwasn’tescapingorrunningaway,Iwas
simply leaving all my negative emotions behind. I had to make plans, I was excited
about what could lie ahead. I always wondered what it would be like to drop
everythingandstartoversomewhereelse.Itwasn’tjustmycareerIwaswrappedup
in, it was Bonneville. Bonneville had a hold on me, my identity lived there, spread
acrossthecitywerememoriesthatmademewhoIamtoday.Mostlyitwastheband.If
ImovedsouthIwouldbesayinggoodbyetothemostconsistentpartofmylife.That
wouldbethehardestthingtoleave.

My bike screamed along, faster than it had ever taken me before. I was enjoying

dreamingaboutmyfuturefantasies,butIhadsomebusinesstotakecareof.

Madeline.
When I punched my old coworker in his smug face I had taken away her power

over me. Of course, I didn’t want the detectives to find out about Swell. That would
createmoreofaproblemthanIcaredtodealwith.No,sheknewshewouldbedigging
herowngraveifshebroughtthatuptothem,andshewouldnotbewillingtodothat.
She could not expose my involvement with Swell without exposing herself. I drove
straight to Bonneville, and to the Metropolis Theater. I was going to make a surprise
visittoFranky.

I pulled into the same alley I always did when I went there. I loved how my bike

echoed in that alley. When I turned off the engine and put the bike on its stand, I
noticedtheexhaustpipehadaredglow,themotorsizzledandpoppedlikeadragonon
achain.Isetmyhelmetonthebacktaillightandwenttotheheavymetaldoor.Igave
three hard knocks and waited. As usual, no one came to the door, and as usual, I
walkedaroundtothefrontmainentrance.

It was as beautiful as always. The old wood, the red carpet, but it smelled like a

church that had an electrical fire. I walked through the lobby and into the main hall
towardthedooratthesideofthestage.ThatwaswhereFrankyseemedtolive,soIwas
confidentIwouldfindhimthere.Heownedseveralbuildingsasidefromthistheater
andhalfofMadeline’s,butthiswashishomebase,andIcouldseewhy.Althoughhis
officewasawindowlessroombackstage,ithadacinematiccharmthatsuitedhimwell.
Before I got to the door, I stopped and took a moment in the infamous hall. There is
nothingquitelikebeingaloneinanemptytheater.IfeltlikeIwassayinggoodbyetoan
oldfriend,surethatwouldbethelasttimeIwouldbeinthattheater.Itwasn’taneasy
goodbye.

Ipushedopenthedoorandwalkedthroughthenetworkofnarrowhallstogetto

his office. The ceiling was lined with plumbing and wires, the walls lined with head
shotsandoldconcertpromoflyers.Somanygreatshadbeenhere.Myeyeswerestuck
ontheB.S.R.flyer,welookedsoyoungthere.

IknockedonFranky’sdoor.
“What!”heyelled,soundingannoyed.
Iopenedthedoorandslippedintohisoffice,“Badtime?”Iasked.
“Oh,Jack,noit’sfine,justdealingwithsomeshit.”Heclosedafileandpusheditto

theside.“Iassumeyou’rehereaboutthefestivalgig?Anyway,look,Igotyouthegig.If
it were not for me you guys wouldn’t have a single paying show, so yes, I am taking
twentypercent.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,fuckoff.”

InevergotoffendedwithFranky,hewasinapermanentstateofdefensiveness.I

pulledoutthechaironmysideofthelargemessydeskandtookaseat.

“You’reright,wewouldn’t.Thankyouforgettingthatshowforus.Twentypercent

ismorethanreasonable.”

Hisexpressionshowedhisobviousdiscomfort.Formanyyears,FrankyandIhave

exchanged the same banter. That had been my cue to shout back at him, and my
thankinghimwasclearlyoff-puttingtooldFranky.Anawkwardsilencehungintheair.
Ilookedatmyoldfriendasifsayinggoodbyetohim,asIhadthetheater.

“ThenwhatthefuckareyouhereforWillow?”Frankyshouted.
“Madeline’s.”

“Whataboutit.”
“Iwantout.”
“Youwantout?”
“Righthere,rightnow.BeforeIleavethisoffice,Iwantthedealtobedone.Wewill

drawitup,youwillwiremethemoney,andIwalk.”

Franky slowly folded his hands in front of him on his desk, his eyes becoming

daggers.

“Isthatright?YouwalkawayonlyifIsayyoucanwalkaway.”Frankyspokewith

the tone of a mob boss. I was basically asking for him to fork over several hundred
thousanddollars.Itwouldleavehimbeingthesoleproprietorofthebuilding,whichI
knew he always wanted, but asking a guy like Franky to hand over six-figures was
boundtocausesomeproblems.

“Weownequalpartsofthebuilding.Normally,whatwouldbefairwouldbeforyou

topaymehalfoftheappraisedvalueoftheasset.Ifyourefused,Icouldeasilyselloff
to the highest bidder and you would be in a partnership with someone else. Maybe
PhillipHadzocoswouldbeinterested?”Isaidcalmly.PhillipHadzocoswasaproperty
developer and Franky’s nemesis. Franky shifted slightly in his seat and I continued
withmyproposition,“Idon’twanttodothattoyouFranky,Ireallydon’t.Infact,since
youhavebeensogoodtomeovertheyears,Iwillmakeanofferyoucan’trefuse.”

“Whatthefuckdoyouhaveinmind?”heasked.
“Iwilltaketwentypercentbelowvalue,”Ianswered.
“Thirty,andwhat’sthecatch?”herepliedinstantly.
“Madelinehastogo.”
“Sherunstheplace;whywouldIdothat?”Frankyquestioned.
“If she is given an eviction notice today, I will take thirty percent. Everyone is

expendable. You will have no trouble finding someone else that will keep the place
going.”

“What’syourbeefwithMadeline?”heasked.
“It’spersonal.ThisisagooddealFranky,let’sjustmakeithappen.Iwon’tevenuse

alawyer,youcanhaveyourssendmethepaperstosign,”Itoldhim.

“Soundslikeyou’reinarush,”Frankysaid,asifthatgavehimanadvantageinthis

negotiation.

Istoodupandmademywaytothedoor,andsaidovermyshoulder,“You’reright

Franky,Iam.Eitherthishappenstodayortheofferisoffthetable.”

“Wait!” Franky barked. He pulled open a side drawer of his desk and pulled out

somepapers.“Youwantthistohappenbytheendoftheday,doya?I’lltellyouwhat,
give me 20 minutes and you will walk out of this office with the money in your
account,paperssigned,andtheevictionnoticeissued.Mylawyerwillmakeitlegal.”

“What’sthecatch?”Iasked.
“Thirty-fivepercent.”Hesmiledlikeausedcarsalesman.
“Deal,”Iwalkedoverandshookhishand.
We ironed out the details and in no time at all the transaction was complete. My

bank account increased by $400,000, and Franky got complete ownership of the
building.Ofcourse,theevictionnoticeaspectofthedealwasagentleman’sagreement
andstayedoutofthepaperwork.Frankywasanythingbutagentleman,butadealisa

dealandIknewhewouldfollowthrough.

Iwalkedoutintothealleyfeelinghigh.Thewholethinghappenedsofastmybike

barelyhadtimetocooloff.Iputonmyhelmetandsatonthebikebeforestartingthe
engine. My adrenaline was fading and feelings of doubt were bubbling up. I was
systematicallyremovingeveryaspectofmylifehere.Thesewerethingsthathadbeen
a part of my identity, and it made me wonder what would be left when it was all
stripped away? All of a sudden, that alley started to feel like a very lonely place, the
whole city felt lonely and uninviting. It was time to head home. As I pulled away I
realized how tired I was; I was tired of the coffee shop, my office, Madeline’s, and
Bonneville.

Iwastired.

CHAPTER22

twasmidday,sotherewasverylittletrafficandImadeithomequickly.Iwasfeeling

emotionallyexhaustedfromthenegotiationwithFrankyandmyearlierdealingswith
AvaMunroandcompany.AsIgotclosetomydriveway,IspottedLeah’struck.Ididn’t
knowwhattomakeofherbeingatthehouse,butIwashappyshewasthere.

Ipulledintothegarageandputthebikeaway.Leahmetmeonthewalkwaybefore

Icouldmakeittothefrontdoor.Shelookedasbeautifulaseverwithhercasualloose
fitting pants and light V-neck sweater and her loosely tied-up blonde hair. She had a
concernedlookonherface.Icouldtellthatshehadbeencontacted.Iwasemotionally
drainedandIdidn’tknowwheretobegin.

“It’sbeenaroughday,”Isaid,fatigueobviousinmyvoice.
She rushed over to me and held me tight. I felt a surge of an emotion I couldn’t

identifyinreactiontoherembrace.Shewasagoodhugger,itwaslikeshewrappedme
infemininelove,withnotjustherarmsbutherwholebody.

“Doyouhaveanytea?”sheasked.
“Yes,”Ianswered.
Wemadeourwaytothekitchen,Iputonthekettleandshetookaseatatthetable.
Leahbroketheiceandspokesoftly“SoIassumeyouknowaboutmyvisitorsthis

morning.”

“Ido,”Ianswered.
“I told them that we are in a committed, consensual relationship. I hope that was

therightthingtosay.”

“Iamsorryyouhadtogothroughthat.Wasitaladyandtwodetectives?”Iasked

whileleaningonthecounterwaitingforthekettletoboil.

“Yes,”shereplied.
“Theycametomyofficeearlier.”
“Howdidthatgo?”sheasked.
“Mehh,”Ishruggedoffthequestionandturnedtotheboilingkettle.
“So,whathappensnow?”sheasked.
“Well, since you confirmed that you were a consenting adult, I would hope the

detectiveswillbackoff,buttheladyisanotherstory,”Ianswered.

“Areyougoingtoloseyourlicense?Oh,JackIamsosorry!”
“Youarenotresponsibleforthisintheleast,”Ipouredthehotwaterintoabrown

teapot over peppermint tea bags and put it on the table. I sat next to Leah and
continued,“Mylicensehasbeensuspendedpendinganinternalinvestigation.Icould

fightthis,andIprobablywouldwinifIdid.Iampartofaunionthathasgottendoctors
outofworsesituations.Butthetruthis,IthinkIhavedonewhatIneededtodoandit’s
timeformetomoveon.Thereissomethingelsewaitingforme,Ihavetoletthingsgo
tomakeroomforwhatliesahead.ButIwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tscared,Iam
scared.”

Leah was blowing on her hot tea and looking up at me. I was beginning to worry

thishadbecometoomuchforher.

There was a long silence, and then she spoke, “Is this something you need to do

alone?”

“I don’t know what is going to happen, the only thing I know is that whatever

happens,Iwanttobewithyou.Leah,youaretheonlythingIamsureofrightnow.”

Leahlookedlikeadeerinheadlights;Icouldn’treadherblankexpression.Ithought

Imighthavegonetoofar,consideringwehadnotknowneachotherforverylong.I
pulledbackandslightlychangedmytonetobringdownmyintensity.

“Look,Leah...”
Leahleanedoverandkissedmedeeply.Islidinclosertokissherback.Westoodup

andpressedourbodiestogether;thelongerwekissedtheharderwetriedtogetcloser,
tomakeasmuchcontactaspossible.Ineededeverypartofmetobetouchingher.I
tookherhandandguidedhertothebedroom.Iquicklypulledmypantstomyknees,
thenpulledherontomylapfacingme.Shecradledthebackofmyheadandpushed
myfacegentlyintothepartofhersoftchestthatwasexposedaboveherdeepV-neck
sweater. I kissed her, up her neck and to her lips, she smelled like perfume and
sunshine.Witheverymovement,wesentamessage—Iwantyou,youaremine.

Ipulledoffhersweaterandbra,andunbuttonedmyshirtwhilekissingthesoftskin

ofherbreasts.SheheldthebackofmyheadwhileIputhererectnippleinmymouth.
OncemyshirtwasoffandwewerebothtoplessIheldherclose,thewayshewassitting
onmylapwasperfect,feelinghernakedskinagainstminemademeforgetaboutall
theconflictsthathappenedearlierthatday.MyhandsgotlostinherhairasIpulledher
closer to me, I bit the bottom of her lip and I saw a faint smile in response. I was
overwhelmed with the desire to have every inch of her naked body in contact with
mine.Weheldeachothertightly,breathingeachotherin.

Herhipsrockedbackandforth,Icouldfeelherheatthroughherpantsonmyhard

dick. Then, with her open hand on my chest, she pushed me back so I was resting
againstthepillows.ShestoodtotakeoffherpantsandlaceywhitepantieswhileIsat
backandwatched.Ittookeverythinginmenottostrokemycockorsitupandgrab
her.Thenshetookoffmyblackbriefsleavingusbothcompletelynaked.

She looked like an angel with tan lines, her hair no longer tied back. She knelt

betweenmyopenlegswithherkneestogether,leanedforwardandgrazedherhands
upanddownmythighswhilelookingatmewithaconcernedpout.

“Youhavehadahardday,haven’tyoubaby”sheaskedinacaring,yetplayfultone.
“I’vehadbetter,”Iansweredbetweenroughbreaths.
“Let’s see if I can make you forget about that,” she said as she bent down even

further.

Mydickpulsedastheblondcurlsofherhairgrazedit.Shegotdowncloserandlet

hersoftcheekgrazethesideoftheshaftasshecuppedtheheadwithhersmallhand,

thenkisseditaffectionately.

“Doesthismakeyoufeelbetterbaby?”sheasked.
“Yeah...”Myanswerwaslostinthesoundofmyexhale.
Leahtookthebottomoftheshaftandheldmydickinfrontofherface,theheadjust

belowherbottomlip.Shelookedatmedeadintheeyewhileherhandstrokedme.She
putherlipsaroundtheheadofmycockandveryslowlyIbegantodisappearintoher
mouth.Thereissomethingaboutthatfirstentry,likejumpinginapristinelakeinthe
morning for the first time. Once you get out of the lake and jump off the dock again
with the water dripping off you, it isn’t quite the same. She moved so very slowly,
pulling back, slowly making my dick reappear, wet from her beautiful mouth. She
looked at me and smiled, her hand stroking my cock, sliding with more ease than
before.

“Didthatmakeyoufeelbetter?”
“Yeah...”Myshortanswerswerebecominglessaudible.
Leah began playing a little game of pretending to put it in her mouth and pulling

awayatthelastmoment.

“Oh,benice,”Ipleaded.
Seeingherbeautifulbodycurledupbetweenmyopenlegs,playinghergamewas

perfect,butIneededtobeclosertoher.

“You’retoofarawaybaby,”Isaidandpulledherupcloser.
Ifeltawaveofsatisfactionhavingherpressedagainstmeagain,myhandsranup

and down her back, then down to her ass. I held the soft cheeks in my hands and
squeezed.Thewayshewasleaningintomemadeiteasytoreachfurtherandpushmy
hand into her soft wet pussy. She was hot and wet and I loved it. Each of my fingers
foundacrevasseorfold,andIslidmyhandbackandforth.Sherockedherhipsandwe
kissedpassionately.Withhertongueinmymouth,myhandinherpussy,andherhard
nipples grazing my chest I was lost, lost in the perfection of the moment. My fingers
seemedtoknowwheretogo,acoupledisappearedinsideher,thensherockedupand
down, rubbing her protruding clit against my whole hand. I sat up again to make as
much contact with her body as I could, my arms wrapped around her and hers
wrappedaroundme.Sheslidherwetlittlepussyagainstmyshaftwhilewekissedand
pressedintoeachother.Then,withnoeffortatallIwasinsideher.

Shesatonmylapwithmythrobbingcockasdeepasitcouldgo.Shejustsatthere,

withmeinsideher,andstrokedmyface.

“Pleasedon’tleaveme,”shesaid,aslostinthebeautifulmomentasIwas.
Her words pushed me to the edge; of course, I wouldn’t leave her. She was all I

wanted,shewasmyobsession,Iwantedtotakehersomewherequietandliveourlives
together.Itwasatthatmoment,withheronmylap,mycockpulsinginsideher,and
her hand touching my face, that I knew Leah and I would be taking on the world
together.Somehow,Iknew.

Leah looked possessed by the moment, she stared at me so intensely that I was

afraid what she might find. Her stare never wavered as she began to move up and
down.Herpacequickenedandshegrabbedthebackofmyhair.Ifeltlikeexploding
inside her, but somehow, I was able to restrain. My cock was as hard as it could
possiblybeasLeahbegantoincreaseherpace.Ireachedaroundandgrabbedherass,

squeezing it tightly and pulling her apart. My finger very naturally pushed into her
little ass to the first knuckle and she let out a moan of approval. The moment was
shiftingfromoneofaffectionandlovetoamoreprimitiveeroticneedtorelease.

Leah pulled back from the embrace we were in, her new position made her clit

bulgeout.Herhandswerenowbehindherandsherockedbackandforthandupand
down. I put her sexy wet clit between my fingers, and pushed it down and up. She
moanedinresponse,herhandswereonherownbodyratherthanmine.Shetwisted
herownnippleswhileIwhippedherclitupanddown.Shesqueezedmewithherlegs
andvibrated,shegrabbedherownbreastsandmoaned.

“YourmakingmecumJack,youfeelsogoodinsideme.”Shewassocompletelylost

inthemoment.

Ifelthercum,herlegstightenedaroundme,andshepulledmeinclose.Ifeltarush

ofwarmwetnesswashoverme.Shewasn’tpumpingupanddownorgyrating;shewas
almost frozen. She made quick little movements, her moans were so loud she was
almostshouting.

“Mmmmm,fuck,Jack!”
She held my face with her cupped hands and looked at me, her face was red and

drenchedinsweat.Shesmiledandtouchedherforeheadtomine.Webothwereoutof
breath.

IwasfullofcumandIwasbarelyabletoholditback.WhenIbegantomove,she

recoiled.

“Ohmygod,Iamsosensitive!”shelaughed.
I pulled out and she gave a little yelp. There was a puddle under us, my cock

drippingwithhercum.Itmadeitswaydownmyshaftandpooledaroundmyballs.I
knewexactlywhatIwanted,withallthiswetnessandanelectricpussytherewasonly
one option. I would bend her over and cum in her ass, it would be so easy with the
natural lubricant that was already everywhere. The only challenge would be getting
my dick in her tight ass without cumming before things got started. I was up for the
challenge.

“OhJack,whatareyouupto?”SheaskedasIbentherover.
Iputacouplefingersinherass.ItwassoslickthatIskippedtheforeplayandjust

pushedtheheadofmyharddickonthebuttonofherass.Itlookedimpossible,butI
pressedharderagainsther,makingtheurgetocumalmostimpossibletobear.Ipulled
hercheeksapartwithmyhands,andwithallthewetgoodnessmycockdisappeared
insideherass.Shewassotightandhot;Icouldbarelyholdback,butIwasdetermined
to have a little fun first. I slid in and out and Leah moaned and groaned. She began
rubbingherownclit,andtomydelightbeganworkingherselfupagain.Ibegantoglide
with more ease. Momentum began to build and I was burying my hard cock deep
insideher,slappingherasswiththepalmofmyhand.

“Mmmm,Jack,ohmygod,I’mcummingagain!”
Islappedherassacouplemoretimes,gettingturnedonbythelittlewaveitcreated.
“I’mgoingtocuminyourlittleassLeah,”Iinformedher.
“Yababy,cuminsideme,”sheresponded.
Leahthrewherheadbackandlookedbackatmewhileshespoke,sweatmadeafew

blondecurlssticktoherface.Shespokethroughherclenchedteeth,“Cuminmyass.”

SherepeateditafewtimeswhileIcontinuedtopoundher.Shecontinuedtothrashher
pussywithherhand.

All of the tension of the day, all of the energy built up inside me shot out of my

throbbingdick,myhotcumpouredintohertightlittleass,itwasbeautiful.

Wecametogether,IgrabbedherhipsandwitheverythrustIexplodedinsideher,

continuinguntilIwassureeverylastouncewasgone.Icollapsednexttoher,lyingon
mysidebreathingheavily,shefellflatonherstomach.Herbackroseandfellwitheach
heavybreath.Wewerebothdrenchedinsweatoneithersideofalargewetspotinthe
centerofthebed.Onlythetipsofourfingerstouched.

Wemanagedtoturnourheadssowewerefacingeachother,webothsmiledand

lookedatoneanother.

“Iamgoingtojumpintheshower,comejoinmeifyouwant,”Isaidasmanagedto

gettomyfeet.Leahonlyansweredwithathumbs-up,andclosedhereyestorevelin
somekindofpersonalmomentshewashaving.Igottheshowerniceandhot,andshe
joinedmequickly.

“Thisisanamazingshower,”shecommented.
Leahlookedravishing,hernakedbodyspentfromsex.Thewhiteskinofherassstill

redwiththeimpressionofmyhand.,

“Toohot?”Iasked.
“Yes!” She yelped as she stepped into the large stream of water coming out of the

showerhead. I had bothshower heads running; havingmultiple shower heads is the
bestwhenyouhaveaguest.Imadeanadjustmentandherbodylanguagetoldmeshe
washappy.Hereyesclosedasherhairsoakedupthewaterandshepusheditback.She
took some soap and washed off the little makeup she had on her face. I have always
lovedthewayawomanlooksinsuchastate,it’sliketheyarenevertrulynakeduntil
themakeupisgone.Shesmiledatmewithhernewnaturallookingface.

“Don’tlook,”shesaidwithachild’svoice.
“Haha,O.K.,mybackisturned,”Ianswered.Igavehersomeprivacyasshedidher

thingandtooktheopportunitytowashmyhair.

“Ok,alldone,youcanturnaroundnow,”shesaid.
“Ihaveanunusualtalent,wanttosee?”Iasked.
“OhgodJack,mylegsareshaking.Seriously,Icanbarelystand,IthinkIamdone,”

sheanswered.

“No no, here sit down if your legs are shaky,” I replied. I removed some products

fromacedarstoolinthecorneroftheshowerandmoveditnearher.

“Takeaseat,”Isaid.
LeahsatdownandIputsomeshampooinmyhandandbeganworkingitintoher

hair.

“Thisisyoursecrettalent?”sheasked.
“Don’ttellanyone,”Ireplied.
Beingabletowasha woman’shairisa talent.Itishardand Iwasdamnproud of

myselfthatIwasgoodatit.Iwentslow,itwasprobablymoreofascalpmassagethan
anythingelse.

“So,doyouwanttorunawaywithme?”Iaskedher.
“Whenyouareinyourthirtiesitisjustcalledmoving,”sheanswered.

“Validpoint.Putyourheadback.”
I took the detachable shower head and rinsed away the shampoo, then applied

someconditioner.Imassagedherneckandshouldersaswellasherscalp.

“So, Mr. Willow, where do you want to run away to?” she asked with a curious

smile.

Icontinuedmassagingherandgavemyanswer.
“My cottage down south. There’s a cool little beach town close by full of

independent shops and restaurants. I thought I could open a motorcycle repair and
restorationshop.”

“Cool!Whatwoulditbecalled?”sheasked,playingalong.
“Putyourheadback,”ItoldherasIrinsedawaytheconditioner.
SheclosedhereyesandIcarefullyrinsedeverythingaway.
“Ihaven’tthoughtaboutit,”Ianswered.
Ireachedoverturnedoffthewater,andhelpedLeahtoherfeet.
“Thatwasamazing,thankyou,”shesaid.
I wrapped her up in a towel, and got her one of my tee shirts to sleep in. When I

pickedupmyjeansacouplebusinesscardsfellout.Thedetective’s,AvaMunro’s,and
therealtor’scardthatMarjoriehadgivenme.InterestingcollectionIthought.

Onceshewasallsetwithherhairinatowelandshewaswearingmylongteeshirt,

wemadeourwaydownstairs.IputonanepisodeofFawltyTowersandwelaytogether
onthecouchwrappedupinaheavyblanket.Thecouchwasunusuallydeepsothere
wasplentyofspaceforthetwoofus.

“IpunchedDr.McCormicktoday,”Iwhispered.
Leahdidn’thavearesponse,shejustlaughedlightly.
“So,youwantmetocomewithyou,tostartanewlifeinabeachtown?”sheasked.
“YesIdo,”Iansweredandpulledherinclose.
Leahagaingavealightlaughinresponse.
Wedriftedtosleepwithsmilesonourfaces.
……………
“Jack,wakeup!”IwoketoLeah’sfranticwhisperings.
“Whatisit?”Iaskedshakingoffadream.
“Thereissomeoneinthekitchen,”shesaidinafrightenedvoice.
Iwascertaintherewasnotanyoneinthekitchen,butasacourtesyIgotuptocheck

andletherknowthatitwasjustthewind.Imademywaytothekitchen;itwasadark
night and I struggled to find the light switch on the kitchen wall. Finally, I found the
switchandflickediton,thelightblindedme,butthroughmysquintingeyesIsawRex,
Madeline’sbouncer,standingbeforeme.Iwasstartledandconfused.

“Rex?”Iasked.
“SorryJack,”hereplied.
Rexputmeinaheadlockandputasour-smellingraginmyface,andasmuchasI

struggledtogetoutofhishold,Icouldnot.Rexwasamassivemanwithanincredible
amountofstrength.Everythingaroundmebegantofeelfurtherandfurtheraway.The
lastthingIrememberwasLeah’sverydistantscream.

CHAPTER23

dreamed of blackness, of floating through space without a care. I didn’t have any

senseofformandfeltnothing,Isimplyexisted.Thenitbegantocreepin,thatterrible
thing—full pain and anxiety. I felt life coming back, like prying open a heavy metal
door that had rusted into the frame. I didn’t want to wake up, I preferred the empty
peacefulnessthatIfeltfloatingthroughspace.AshardasIfoughttokeepthatawful,
rusted,metaldoorclosed,itbegantoopenwiththebloodcurdlingsoundofmetalon
metal.Ibegantofeelmyform,startingwithairpassingbymylipsandmynoseasI
inhaled, then exhaled. I began to feel my limbs but it was as though they were not
mine. I became aware that I was sitting in a chair. My body was numb but I had an
awful, sharp pain between my eyes, and a sense of doom in my heart. I had left the
peaceful darkness of space and was hunched over in a chair. My eyes opened and I
realizedthatmyarmsandlegswereboundtothewoodenchairwithleatherstraps.

My restraints were so tight that I could not move an inch. The more aware I was

becoming of who I was, the more the pain increased; this reality that seeped in was
excruciating. I craned my head up and surveyed my surroundings. I recognized the
stonewallsandconcretefloor,Irecognizedthesmell.IwasinMadeline’sbasement.I
hadbeendownheremanyyearsagowithaninspectorpriortobuyingthebuilding.

Myeyesweregettingusedtotheharshlightfromthelightbulbshangingfromthe

ceiling. My heart raced and my mind panicked. I twitched my toes and engaged the
musclesinmylegstotryandbringthefeelingback.Istartedsquirmingandjoltingto
test the strength of the straps and the knots. It was a useless struggle that was only
worseningmypanic.IcalmedmyselfsoIwouldnottoppleover.

I had become completely self-aware, sweat dripped down my face as I gained

controlofmybreaths.Iclosedmyeyesandgatheredmythoughts.IrememberedRex,
howheputmeinaheadlockandmademebreatheinthosepoisonousfumesfroma
cloth. I remembered the last thing I heard, Leah’s scream. My emotions were
exploding in my chest and I felt my heart race. Breathe, I thought to myself. I
deliberatelyslowedmybreathsandtriedtofocus.Iscannedtheroomforsomething
that might help, perhaps a sharp edge to cut the straps. The room was bare save a
coupledoors,onewastotheboilerroom,theotherwasthewayout.Evenifthedoor
wasunlockedIcouldn’tgetupthenarrowwindingstairsstrappedtothischair.

“Jack?”Leah’svoicecamefromdirectlybehindme.Shesoundedtired,asifshewas

justwakingup.

Istruggledfranticlytoturnaroundtobeabletoseeher.Itwistedmyneckbutcould

onlycatchaglimpse.

“Leah,areyouO.K.?”Iaskedher,stillstrugglingtoturnaround.
I rocked back and forth and tumbled to the ground. I landed in such a way that

madeitpossibletoseeLeah,whowasalsostrappedtoachair.Shestillhadmyteeshirt
onandnothingelse.Herhairfelloverherface,andherconfusedeyesmetmine.To
her left, hanging above her head, was a medical bag full of a blue substance. A tube
wentfromthebagtoherarm.TherewassomethinginherrighthandthatIcouldnot
makeout,butIcouldseethatwhateveritwashadbeenstrappedtoherhandsoshe
couldnotreleaseit.Leah’seyesleftmineandshebeganexaminingtheitem,thenshe
lookedtoherleftandnoticedthebluebagforthefirsttime.Shebegantopanic.She
struggled but was barely able to move; her chair seemed to be bolted to the floor. I
gruntedandscreamedinfrustrationasItriedtofreemyselfandgettoher.

“Whatishappening?”askedLeah,soundingmoreawakeandfrightened.
“Idon’tknow,”Iansweredhonestly.
Ibegantoinchclosertoher.IfIcouldgettoherperhapsIcoulduntieher,orshe

coulduntieme.Iconjuredupsomestrengthandbeganmyjourney.

“I’mcoming,”IassuredherasIinchedcloser.
We both froze and stared into each other’s eyes in response to the faint sound of

someonecomingdownthesteps.Thesoundbecamecloserandlouderuntiltheywere
atthedoortoourroom.

“Fuck!” Leah whispered while she frantically tried to free herself from the tight

leatherstraps.

Thesoundofaheavydeadboltslidingopenechoedintheemptystone-walledroom.

The door opened and there she was. I knew it was Madeline before I saw her, had
known her so long I recognized her by the sound of her steps. She walked slow and
authoritatively,andalmostalwaysworeshoesthathadloudheels.Shewalkedoverto
uswithherloud,slow,distinctivesteps.BehindherappearedRexwhoclosedthedoor
andstoodwithhisarmscrossednexttoit.

“Madeline,stopthisnow.Thisiscrazy,evenforyou,”Itriedtokeepmyvoicecalm

butitwasimpossibletoconcealmyemotions.

“Itisalittleextremeperhaps,butyouhaveleftmenochoice,”sheansweredina

slowandcontrolledtone.

“HowhaveIleftyounochoice?”Iaskedlookingupatherforthefirsttime.
“You have taken away my livelihood. I have given years of my life building this

establishment,andyouhavemanagedtotakeitawayfromme,”sheanswered.

“Youwanttohavesomekindofrevenge,fine,butletLeahgo,shehasnothingtodo

withthis,”Ipleaded.

Madeline’s black leather boots were close to my face; she was in her standard

workingattire.Ihadseenherinthisleatheroutfitmanytimes.Sheonlyworeitwhen
shewasworkingintheclub.Shelookedlikeshehadputagreatdealofeffortintoher
makeup, and her nails were perfectly red. Whatever she had in mind she felt she
neededtodressupfortheoccasion.

“IadmitLeahwasnotapartoftheplan,butwhenRexshowedupwiththetwoof

you I was pleasantly surprised. You see Jack, I just want to help you understand. I
plannedonhavingyouhookeduptothatchairLeahisin.IwantedyoutofeelwhatI

have created pour into your veins and run through your heart. But plans changed
when our dear Leah showed up with you. We can watch together. Won’t that be
wonderfulJack?”

My lack of control over the situation was driving me mad. I jolted in a desperate

efforttofreemyself;myhatredforMadelinefeltlikelightningthroughmyheart.Leah
lookedon,scaredandbewildered.

“You are a sad sight Dr. Willow. Rex, help the good doctor up please,” Madeline

ordered.

Rex waddled over and got me to an upright seated position with a fair amount of

effort. There I sat, strapped to the chair, facing Leah. I looked into her eyes, silently
beggingforforgiveness.

“You can leave Rex, thank you. I don’t think I will have any trouble from here.”

Madeline looked at me as she spoke to Rex. He left without a word. Madeline’s eyes
neverleftme,herlipsfrozeninaclosed,confidentsmile.

“Ahh,justthethreeofus.Let’splay,shallwe?”Madelinesaidplayfully.Shestood

betweenusandlookedbackandforthfromLeahtomyself.

“You two really don’t look like you are having fun yet. I think I can change that.”

Madeline took a couple steps over to Leah, crouching down to eye level on her right
side.ShetriedtolookLeahintheeyebutLeahwouldnotmeethergaze.Madelinethen
triedtopushLeah’shairawayfromherfacebutstoppedwhenshewinced.

“NowLeah,Ihavebeenseeingmoreandmoreofyoulately.Ithinkyouareoneof

my best customers. I was actually concerned for you last Saturday, showing up all
alone.Youranawaysosoon,didyougetjuicedupandrunbacktoJack’s?Itdoesn’t
matter,weareherenow.”MadelineseemedintriguedbyLeah,lookingatherdeeplyas
shespoke.

Ibegantoconnectthedots;Leahhadbeenkeepingasecretfromme.Shesaidshe

was with Louise last Saturday, and I was completely unaware she was going to
Madeline’stotakeSwell.Leahfoundmyofficebecauseshewasseekinghelp.Leahwas
addictedtoMadeline’sSwell.

Madelinestoodupandcontinuedtospeak,“I’lltellyawhat,IpromiseIwillmerely

get this game started, the rest will be up to our sweet Leah.” She bent over and took
Leah’srighthandthatheldwhatInowsawwasaremote,andcontinued,“NowLeah,
anytimeyouwantmoreyoujusthavetopressthisbuttonwithyourthumb.Just.Like.
This.”MadelineusedLeah’sthumbtopressthebutton.Aclickingsoundemittedfrom
behindLeahfollowedbythehumofanelectricmotor.

Leahlookedterrifiedasshewatchedtheblueliquidfallthoughthecleartubeand

intohervein.

“No,stop!”criedLeahhelplessly.
“Youhavelostyourmind,stopthis!”IorderedMadeline.
Madelinetookafewstepstowardmeandsatonmylap.“Whatkindofdealdidyou

makewith Franky? Never mind,it doesn’t matter anymore.Let’s just watch, let’s see
howhorriblethisstuffis,”Madelinespokesarcastically.

IwatchedLeah,Iwatchedherchange.
Madelinesatbacksoherfacewastouchingmine.Shespokeinawhisper,“Ithinkit

isworking.”

I pulled away from her touch and watched Leah. We exchanged looks that sent

messageswordscouldnotaccuratelydescribe.Leah’seyesdartedfrommetoherarm,
wherethebluedrugwasenteringherbody.Hereyesclosedandherchestroseandfell,
slow and controlled. She looked relaxed and slightly rolled her jaw. Madeline got off
mylapandkneltinfrontofLeah.

“It’s a little more powerful doing it this way. It’s O.K., I know you want to be

touched. It must be frustrating not being able to touch yourself, do you want me to
touchyou?”

Leah’sfacetwitchedasshebegansquirminginherchair,herbreathquickenedand

hereyesremainedclosed.

“Just for a second, it will help.” Madeline touched Leah on the inside of her right

kneeandjustheldherhandthere.“It’sO.K.toletyourselffeelgoodLeah.”

TomyamazementratherthenpullherkneeawayLeahopenedherlegs.Madeline

continuedtestingherboundaries.

“Your skin is so soft.” Madeline put her open hand on the inside of Leah’s thigh.

Leahgaspedandthrewherheadback.Carefulnottoblockmyview,Madeline’shand
disappearedintotheshadowsbetweenLeah’slegs.

“I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, I wouldn’t do that. Do you like it if I

touch you here?” I could not see Madeline’s hand under Leah’s long shirt, but Leah
madeitclearsheappreciatedwhatwashappening.

Madelinegotupandfacedme.Leahwasnothinglikeshewasmomentsago,shedid

notlookfrightenedatall.Shemovedanypartofherbodyshecould,shearchedher
back showing her erect nipples though the white tee shirt. She made slight moaning
sounds that sounded like pleasure rather than pain. Madeline motioned to her and
askedme,“Doesthisreallyseemsoterrible?Iwouldsayshelikesthis,wouldn’tyou,
Jack?”

“Ok,that’senoughMadeline.Thisisdangerous.Iknowyouwantrevengeonmebut

Idon’tbelieveyouwanttohurther.Youneedtostopthisnow.”Ispokewithforce.

“Don’t talk down to me, I know how far this can be pushed. She will be fine,” she

answeredindefense.

“Thisisnotlikedrinkingit.”
“Iknowthat.Whenwill...”Madelinewascutoffbyafamiliarsound.
Click.Hummm.
Madelinegaveasmugsmile.Shelookedatmeasifshehadwonthisbattle.Iwasin

disbelief.Ifeltasinkingfeelinginmychest.Ifelthelpless.

“Leah, it’s just the drug. It’s playing with your mind!” I shouted past Madeline to

Leah.

Madeline was basking in the moment, watching me closely with grim satisfaction.

Thiswasworkingexactlyassheplannedanditwaskillingme.Icouldtellthiswasjust
thebeginning of her sickgame. Leah began tomoan, causing Madeline’s attention to
break away from me. But she did not turn around, just spoke over her shoulder so
Leahwouldhearher.

“Iamcomingdarling;Icanhelpyouwiththat,”Madelinesaid,givingmeonelast

smileofpersonalvictory.

She turned and walked sensually toward Leah, her ass tightly packed into her

leather outfit and right at my eye level. I looked away and pleaded with Leah once
again.

“Leah,don’tpressthatbuttonagain,O.K.?”
MadelinebentdownonallfoursandrestedherforearmsonLeah’slegs,craningher

neck to look up at her. I could finally see Leah’s face clearly. She only looked at me
brieflyandhereyesspokevolumes;shewasnotaskingtobesaved,shewasaskingfor
forgiveness. She looked away and our eyes did not meet again for some time. She
wantedMadelineandthatwaswhereherattentionwouldstay.

“Iwon’tdoanythingyoudon’twantmetoLeah.IsitO.K.ifItakeoffthisawfultee

shirt?Ifeellikeitisintheway,don’tyou?”Madeline’shandsranupanddownLeah’s
thighsasshespokeinasofttone.Leahnoddedyeswithclosedeyes.

“I need to hear you say yes Leah,” Madeline added, pushing her hands deeper

betweenLeah’slegsandintotheshadowsbeneathhershirt.Leah’schestbegantorise
andfalldeeply,hershoulderscurledoverandshestruggledtomoveherhipstoward
Madeline.Leahletoutabreathandthewordyescouldbarelybemadeout.

“Ineedtohearyou,”demandedMadeline.
“Yes,”Leahsaidwithaquiverinhervoice.
Madeline took something out of a small pocket on her hip; she made a point to

makesureIsawherflipopentheblade.Itlookedlikesomethingthatyouwouldfindat
anoldbarbershop.Ididn’tbelieveMadeline’sintentionsweretophysicallyhurtLeah,
butassheputthebladetoLeah’sthroatIfelthorrorinmyheart.

“Let’s get this off then,” Madeline said as she began to cut away the shirt, starting

fromthetopdowntothebottom.Thebladewasincrediblysharpandcutthroughthe
materialwithease.Sheclosedthebladeandputitbackinherhippocket.Asshepeeled
backthematerialexposingLeah’snakedbody,Leaharchedherbackandpointedher
chintotheceiling.Herbodylanguagewasveryclear,everypartofhersaidtake me.
Herpinknippleswerepointingtotheskyandherbodyshonefromsweat.

“There,isn’tthatbetter?Youhavenaturalboobs,they’reamazing,”Madelinesaid.
Madeline put her hands on Leah’s breasts. Her wet tongue lay flat on the white

untannedskinandlickedfrombelowLeah’sbreastup,tracingherform,movingpast
hererectnippletoherneck.LeahwasbitingherliplookingdownatMadeline,pushing
herbodyintoMadelineasmuchasherrestraintswouldallow.Madelinelookedover
hershoulderatme,Icouldseeasmileonthecornerofherlips.Madelinewasenjoying
this. She turned her attention back to Leah and crouched down, putting her face
betweenLeah’slegs.Leahgaveasoundindicatingthatwasexactlywhereshewanted
Madelinetobe.MadelineranherhandsupanddownLeah’sthighsandasked,“Have
youbeenwithawomanbefore?Orhaveyoueverbeencuriouswhatitmightbelike?
It’sO.K.,youdon’thavetoanswer.”

MadelinefocusedherattentionbetweenLeah’slegs,andshepositionedherselfsoI

couldalsoseeLeah’snakedpussy.Madelinewastryingtoseduceme,butIwouldnot
allowit.MyheadstillfelttheeffectsofbeingdruggedbyRex,andIwasboilingwith
anger watching Leah being taken advantage of. I was terrified for her. This drug
stoppedHeather’sheart,andHeathersurelywasn’tmainliningitintoherveins.No,I
wouldnotbeseducedbymycaptor,butIdidstopcallingouttoLeah.Ifeltitbestto
stayquietsoIwouldnotagitateher.Isatandwatchedandbegantotugatanendofthe

knotthatboundmyleftwrist;itseemedhopelessbutitwasallIhad,soIstruggledto
pullatthelooseendbetweenmyfingerandthumb.IwatchedandlistenedasMadeline
continuedhergame.

“Look at you, you were hoping for some action tonight. Your pussy is perfectly

shaved,doyouwantmetotouchyou?”

“Yes,” Leah answered, her nostrils flared and she tried to push her hips toward

Madeline.

“Youlooksofuckingsexy,”Madelinesaid,lookingatLeah’sshavedpussy.Madeline

made her tongue cover both of Leah’s lips at the very bottom and very slowly licked
up,hertonguefallingbetweenthelipsasshemadeherwayupandfinallyputLeah’s
bulgingclitinhermouthwhenshegottothetop.

“That’samazing,youaresofuckingwet.”Madelineseemedpleased,andsodidLeah

whowasjoltingwithpleasure.Madelinecontinued,“CanIuseafinger?Justone,Idon’t
wanttohurtyoubecauseyouaresotight.”

“Yes,”Leahmoaned.
Madeline put Leah’s pretty, little clit back in her mouth and pushed a finger in,

wordsrandomlyfelloutofLeah.“Fuck...yes!”

Madelineseemedtoenjoythispartofthegame.ShelickedandpulledatLeah’sclit

withherlips,andspokeinthebriefmomentshermouthwasn’tfullofpussy.

“NowLeah,youarebeingsogoodIamgoingtountieyoualittle.Areyougoingto

beagoodgirlforme?”

“Yes,”Leahansweredagain.
Madelinegottoherkneesandpulledoutthebladeagain.Inaswiftmovement,she

reachedbehindLeahandcuttheleatherstrapthathadbeenaroundherlikeaseatbelt.
ThisallowedLeahtomoveherhipseasily.Sheseemedextremelyrelievedandactually
smiledwhileshemovedherhipsbackandforth.ThanMadelinecutthestrapholding
Leah’sleftleg,allowingLeahtoopenherlegsmorethanbefore.

Madeline grabbed Leah by her hips and pulled her into her face once again. After

some play she said, “Isn’t that better? I think you can handle more than one finger,
don’tyou?”

MadelinepushedthreefingersinsideLeahandlookedupather.Leahpushedinto

her,bitingherbottomlipandsquintinghereyesassheopenedherlegsasmuchasshe
couldwithhernewfreedom.

“God you are greedy, look at you pushing into my fingers.” Madeline seemed

thrilled by this, and after forcefully licking her clit, she said again, “I will untie you
more,ifyoupromisetobegood.WearejustgettingstartedandIdon’twantyoutorun
awayonme.IwanttoletyoumovebuthowcanIbesureyouwillbehave?”

Click.Hummm.
Madeline looked back at me and put her hands over her mouth and did her best

MarilynMonroeimpression,“Ohno,Jack,Ithinkyourgirlfriendlikesthismorethan
shelikesyou.”

AndwiththatshebegantocutawayLeah’sstrapsonebyone.MadelinekissedLeah

onthemouthandLeahreturnedherkisswithpassion,seeminglyunconcernedbythe
blade so close to her body. Madeline cut all the straps—her right leg, both arms, and
both hands. She carefully took the switch away from Leah while she cut, leaving the

devicehangingfromwhateveritwasattachedtoabove.IhopedLeahwouldtakethe
opportunitytorunandthatallthiswasapartofaplan,butdeepdownIknewitwas
not.LeahsatattheedgeofthechairwithcompletefreedomsavetheIVstillattachedto
her,andthetwoofthemkissedpassionately.MadelinekissedLeah’sbreastsforcefully,
thenherlips,thenherneck.Leahcouldnotgetenough.ThenMadelinepulledawayto
giveLeahanorder.

“Turnaroundandbendoverthatchair.”
Leahobeyedwithoutaword.Sheturnedaroundandputherelbowsonthechair,

pointing her ass in the air begging for anything Madeline could give her. Madeline
spreadhercheeksapartandpushedherlongredtongueinsideher.

“Rubyourclitforme,”Madelineordered.
As if she was waiting to be asked, Leah began rubbing her clit while Madeline

pushedhertongueinandoutofherwetpussy.ThenMadelinestartedusingherhand,
pushing four fingers deep inside Leah, and reaching around with the other hand to
squeezeherbreast.

“Doyoulikeitlikethat?Doesitfeellikeabig,hard,throbbingdick?”
Leahgyrated,andherwholebodymovedinthemoment.
“That’sit,bounceonthosefingers,”Madelineshoutedplayfully.
Leah bent over even more to spread her cheeks, Madeline continued to push her

handintoherandmovedherotherhandfromLeah’sbreaststoherass.

“Isthatsomethingyoulikebaby?”Madelineasked.
“Yes,”Leahanswered.
Madeline barely had to move her right hand as Leah bounced up and down,

Madeline’s left hand followed the rhythm and pushed a finger in her ass at a slower
pace.

“SinceyouarebeingsogoodIthinkIwilldosomethingspecialforyou,”Madeline

said,thenwhisperedjustloudenoughsoIcouldhear,“DoyouwantJack’sharddick
insideyou?Wouldn’tahard,throbbingcockbejusttheperfectthingrightnow?”

Iadmit,somewheredeepinsidemeIwantedit,eventhoughIknewitwaswrong.

Mycockwantedtobehard,butsomehow,Ikeptmyself-controlandIwasnotallowing
myself to be swayed. Leah was drugged, and even if my hatred for Madeline wasn’t
enough of a sexual barrier, my respect for Leah would not allow me to go there. I
looked on and did my best not to react. I had no power, but I could at least deny
Madelinethesatisfactionofthereactionthatshewantedfromme;lustanddefeat.

“Iamgoingtohavetotakethisawayfromyou,”MadelinebeganremovingtheIV

fromLeah.

“No!”Leahshouted.
“Now,now,youhavehadquiteenough,”Madelineanswered.
Click.Hummm.
Leahhadreachedoverandpressedthebuttontogetonelasthit.
“Isaidthatisenough!”Madelineshoutedandtookawaytheremote,thenquickly

removedtheIVfromLeah.

Leah moaned with the pleasure of the hit and gave a curious laugh at Madeline’s

scolding. Leah turned and sat at the edge of her chair and slowly rubbed her pussy
whilelookingmedeadintheeye.Hereyesweredifferent,itwasnother.

Madelinewheeledovertheentirecontraptiontome.Ilookedupatherwithsober

eyes.

“Iwillnotplayalong.Enoughisenough,”Isaidplainly.
“IthinkyouwillJack.Lookather,doesthatreallylooksoterrible?”Madelineasked.
IlookedatLeahplayingwithherself,eagerlywaitingforthenextpartofthegame.
“Afterthis,youwillseethatwhatIhavedoneisnotsobad.Youmayevenlikeitso

muchyouwillwanttodoitagain.”Madelinespokeassheorganizedthingsaroundme.
“NowJack,don’tmessaround.Wecandothistheeasywayorthehardway.”

I was backed into a corner, there was nothing I could do. There was no point

thrashingaroundandhaveherbotchthejob.Iwatchedon.

“Alright,getonwithitthen,”Isaidbravely.
Madelineleanedoverandheldmyarm,quicklyinsertingtheneedleandtapingin

down.

“That’snotthefunpart.”Madelinesteppedinfrontofmeandcroucheddownsowe

wereateyelevel,theninawhispershesaid,“Thisis.”

Click.Hummm.
OureyeswerelockedandIwasdeterminedtonotshowherahintoffear.Iwasn’t

going to let her potion control me, I am in control.I repeated the words in my mind
overandover.Iamincontrol,Irepeatedthewordsagaininmyhead.

I can’t remember a moment of transition, the feeling of being high or intoxicated

thatIwaswaitingfornevercame.Ijustfeltwarm.Idon’trecallthemomentwhenI
feltthefearandhatredleave,buttheydiddisappear,alongwithanyguiltyfeelingsor
anxietyIhadinsideme.IwassuddenlyO.K.withbeinginthisawfulcellar.Itwaslikea
warmhug;ablissfulembracewrappedaroundmelikeablanketshieldingmefromall
fear,guilt,andinsecurities.Iamincontrol,Irepeatedthewordsagain,onlythistimeI
wasnottryingtoconvincemyselfofthefact,Iwasindeedincontrol.Everyinchofmy
mind and body were being massaged by love and I was in control and I was the
happiestIhadeverbeen.Ilostsenseoftime.IcannotsayhowlongIwasbaskingin
theinitialeuphoria.Iwanttosayitwasaconsiderableamountoftimebut,inreality,it
mayverywellhavebeenquitebrief.Itwasmoresensualthansexualatfirst,thenit
was as if my nerves caught fire and I was more aware of my body and my
surroundings.

The blissful feeling did not leave, but something else awoke in me. My sensations

heightened;Icouldsmellthemustystonesthatmadeupthewallsofthecellar,Icould
smell the leather and sweat off Madeline who was still close, and I could smell Leah
who was at least three yards away. Even the smell of the musty stone walls was
somehowerotic,Leah’ssmellcertainlywas.Iwaslikeapredatorwithmynoseinthe
airtakinginthescentsastheywispedby.Iopenedmyeyes,lookingpastMadelineto
Leah.

Leah looked back at me, welcoming me into the alternate reality, she was smiling

andraisedaneyebrow.

“Isthisreallysobad?”Madelinewhisperedinmyear.
IhadnoanswerforherandjustheldmygazeonLeah.Ifeltasexualenergyinmy

whole body rather than localized below my belt. I wondered later if this was how
womenmayfeelanorgasm,butIcan’tbesure.Foramoment,IforgotIwastieddown

andtriedtogetuptoapproachLeah,Ijoltedforwardandback,andforamomentfelt
thesadisticreality.

Click.Hummm.
Perfection.Iwantedtoliveinthisperfectplace,nothingintheworldmattered,Ihad

only one concern—to somehow release this building sexual tension. The tension was
creatingamadobsession,Inotonlyfelttheneedtorelease,Ineededtofeed.

Thefamiliarlocalizedenergytookhold,allthewildnessinmybodyfloodedintomy

penis. It pulsed and ached and begged for human touch. The tension was becoming
unbearableandLeahwastheanswer.Ifeltlikeastarvingdogonaleashstrugglingto
gettohisfavoritetreatjustoutofreach.Leahstoodupandmywholebodyscreamed
withexcitement.

“Stop,”MadelineorderedLeah.
Leahignoredtheorderandwalkedtowardme.Shewaselectrified,zombified,and

sowasI.

“If you sit back down, and wait just a little longer, I will give you one more,”

Madelineraisedtheremoteattheendofhersentence.

Leahsatonthefloorratherthantakingherchair,andshebegansuckingherfinger.

Ilookedatherwithahunter’sgaze.

Madeline sat down too, and she spoke like a bossy child making up the rules of a

newgameasshewent.

“O.K.,let’sseewhatwehavehere.”
Madeline unzipped me and pulled out my throbbing, drug induced erection, veins

protrudedalongtheshaftandtheheadappearingreadytoburst.

“Well,well,Jackyboy,lookatyou.”Madelineseemedpleased.Sheheldmymassive

erection on display for Leah. Leah’s eyes were wide, her finger rested lazily on her
bottomlip,andshesatwithhergazetransfixedonmycock.

“IwonderifIcanmakehimcumwithouttouchinghim?Don’tworryLeah,there

will be plenty for you too. Let’s see, if I just get really close and you can feel my
breath?”Madelineheldouthertongueandputitascloseaspossibletothebottompart
of the head of my dick without making contact. I could feel her breath, my cock
bouncedwitheverybeatofmyheart.IhadforgottenhowmuchIhatedMadeline,but
therewasstillsomethinginmethatdidn’twantthiswomantowinthisgame.Itriedto
keepthebeastthatwasbeggingtobereleasedinitscage.

“Whoops,thatdidn’tcount,”Madelinesaidaftershemadeabriefcontactwiththe

tipofmyrock-hardcock.MyhipsthrustforwardandIletoutagruntinvoluntarily.I
waslosingthisgame,Iwantednothingmorethanforhertostopholdingoutandputit
inhermouth.MyeyesmetLeah’sagain,sheseemedthrilledbythisgameandwanted
toplay,butforthemomentshestayedwhereshewas.

“WhatifIjusttouchyouwiththetipofmytongue,whatdoyouthinkwillhappen?”

Madeline looked at Leah briefly. “I won’t move; I will only do it for a second so you
betterenjoyit.”

Madelinepushedthetipofhertongueagainstthesensitiveareaonthebottomside

ofmycock.WhenIfeltherwettongue,itsentboltsoflightningthroughmybody.I
wantednothingmorethantofeelthemovementofhertongueupanddown,Iwanted
hertotakemeinhermouth,butshestayedstill.Imovedasmuchasthestrapswould

allowbutshematchedmymovementtopreventthefrictionIcraved.Ihadforgotten
thegame,thetensionwastoomuchandIletgo.Itwasliketryingtoholdbackapack
ofwilddogs,Iletgo.Iwaslikeaprisonersetfreeonamid-summerdayafteryearsof
confinement,Iletgo.

Madeline kept her tongue in contact with my cock while I came, and she let out

soundsofplayfullaughter.Iwatchedaslongstreamsofwhitecumburstoutofthetip
ofmydickandthroughtheair,landinginfrontofLeahwhowasmasturbatingwildly.
Four long thick streams flew out of me, my moans echoing against the stone walls.
Madelinepulledaway.

“That was amazing Jack. Did you see that Leah?” Madeline turned her attention

backtoLeah.“Apromiseisapromise,”andwiththatMadelinegotupandmadeher
way to her purse resting in the corner. She pulled out a large flask and returned to
Leah.

“Drinkupmydear.Ithinkatthispointitwouldbebetterthisway.YouseeJack,I’m

notsoevil.”Madelinewalkedovertome,leanedover,andcuppedmyballssoftlywith
her hand. Somewhere deep within I felt concerned that she had bad intentions and
wouldcloseherhandtight.Madelinegrazedmesoftlywithhercuppedhandandsaid,
“ReallyJack,youshouldpickyourcausesalittlebetter.”

Click.Hummm.
Ifeltthedruginmyveinanditwasdivine,thefaintconcernIhadaboutMadeline’s

hand was gone, and the energy I had lost from cumming was replenished; I was an
animal again. My attention was on Leah, who did not seem to notice the blue liquid
fallingfromthecornerofhermouth.

“Let me take a look at you.” Madeline bent down and examined my eyes. “Yes, I

thinkIcanletyououtofyourchair.”Shetookoutherbladeagainandbegancutting
me free. I waited until all the straps were cut away and slowly stood, frayed leather
straps and my pants falling to the floor. I looked down at Leah who opened her legs
wideforme.Sherubbedherwetcuntupanddown,pouringtheremainsoftheflask
overhernakedbody.

IremovedtheSwellIV,steppedawayfrommypantspooledbeneathmyfeet,and

walkedtowardLeah.Sheflippedherselfaroundonallfours,proppedupherass,and
spreadhercheekswideapartforme.Shewasmoaninglikeshehadgonemad.

I knelt down and pushed my cock deep inside her. I stayed still for a moment,

overwhelmed by the feeling of her wet cunt around me, and her soft skin pressed
against my hips. Leah fucked me as I stood still, she pumped back and forth on my
cock. I met her rhythm and we thrashed into each other with a violent momentum.
Webothmoanedandgroaned.

“Yes!”Leahshoutedwitheverythrust.“Fuckme!”
Madeline laughed with enjoyment as she watched us lose our minds. I felt Leah

cum, and cum again. I came too but not bursting like before, rather than the feeling
crashingdownonme,itwaslikeridingawave.Igrabbedherhips,spreadherapart,
andfuckedherlikeacavemanthathadnosenseofdecency.

“Fuck me!” she yelled again, and with a groan that sounded like a mixture of

pleasure and pain she came again. Leah shuddered and fell to her side, leaving me
kneelingonmyown,cumstillshootingoutofmydicklandingonthefloorinfrontof

me.

Knockknockknock
Therewassomeoneatthedoor.
“What’sgoingoninthere?”avoiceshoutedfromtheothersideofthedoor.Itwas

Franky’svoice.

“Ablessingindisguiseperhaps,Ireallydon’tknowwherewewouldgofromhere,”

Madelinesaidwithfrankamusement.

Franky knocked at the door again, demanding it to be unlocked. The spell was

broken but I was still far from reality. Madeline walked over to her purse again and
fishedoutabottleofpills.Sherattledthemaroundandlookedatme.

“Thesewillhelpwiththecomedown,giveyourselfacoupleofdaysandyouwillbe

rightasrain,”shesaid,thenputthepillsinthepocketofmyjeansthatwerestillpooled
onthefloor.

“Lookkids,Ihopewealllearnedsomethingheretoday,especiallyyouJack.Ithink

itissafetosaythisisgoodbye.Idon’texpectwewillmeetagain.”Madelinepickedup
herpurseandstrodetothedoor,butbeforesheopenedit,sheturnedforonelastword.

“It’sbeenfun.”

CHAPTER24

ourdayshadpassedsinceFrankyhadfoundus.

WhenMadelineopenedthedoor,shehadjustwalkedpasthimlikehewasaghost.

HebarkedsomethingatherthatIcannotrecallasshedisappearedupthestairs.When
hesawthescenebeforehimhehadamomentofshock,Irememberitwell.Ilooked
upathimfrommyvulnerablestate,nakedanddistraught.TheIVandothermachinery
had been knocked to the floor; it must have looked horrific. Franky immediately
coveredLeahwithhisjacket.Therewaslittlediscussion,infact,oncewegotinhiscar
forthedrivebacktoLeah’s,noonesaidasingleword.

What goes up must come down, and we certainly came down. Hard. Leah and I

struggledwithadeepsenseofdoomloominginsideus.IwassadderthanIhadever
been,butcouldn’tfindthewilltoexpressanything.Itwasliketheabsenceoffeeling,
andtheemptinesswasterrifying.

Thenextfewdayswereaboutsleepandrestoration.IwasgratefulIdidn’thavea

jobtogoto,andLeahseemedgratefulforhavingsomehelparoundthefarm.Ienjoyed
the work, it was a nice distraction and I saw the appeal of this way of life.
Unfortunately, a good night’s sleep was not sufficient enough for getting over the
gloomanddoom,soIexaminedthepillsMadelinehadleftme.Iknewthedrugwellby
thelabel,itwasindeedwhatwasnecessary.Itookacouplefirst,tobesuretheywere
not mislabeled or tampered with, and when everything seemed O.K. Leah followed
suit.Slowly,webecamehumanagain.

Wehadnotleftthefarmsincewehadarrived,andthepondhadbecomesomething

ofasanctuary.Itwasspringfedwhichmeantitwasfreshwaterandfull,evenafterthis
longhotsummer,anditwasalwayscoldregardlessofthetimeofyear.Inthecenter
wasafloatingdock,aroundtheedgeofthepondwerelonggrassesandmaples.Itwasa
beautifulspotandwebothseemedtoendupthereinthelateafternoon.

I stripped down, and jumped into the cold water. I swam lazily to the dock and

pulledmyselfup,thereIsatandletthehotafternoonsundryoffthecoldwater.

Leahappeared at the smallshore access where myclothes were piled and waved.

Shekickedoffherrubberboots,tookoffherclothes,andjumpedin.Whenshepulled
herselfuptothedocktojoinmeIthoughtofhowbeautifulshelooked.Herblondehair
was wet and pushed back, and with no makeup whatsoever, she looked natural and
beautiful.Iresistedtheurgetokisshercheekbecausesheseemedtobehavinganice
personal moment and I didn’t want to mess with it. Over the past few days we had
learnedhowtoenjoyeachotherinsilence.Leah’seyeswereclosedandwithaneasy

smilesheasked,“Sohowdoesitfeeltobeafreeman?”

Iconsideredherwords,IsupposeIwasafreeman.IwasfreeofthecareerIhad

spent half my life pursuing. I was free of Madeline’s which had become a part of my
identity. I knew all this change was for the best. I was as excited as I was scared for
whatcouldlieahead.

Theheatofthesunfelthealingonmynakedbody,andIwasalmostdrysavemy

darkwethair.Therewasalightbreezethatcutthroughdrybrittlegrassandauburn
redleaves.Dragonfliesbuzzedaround,steelingourattentionwhentheygotclose.

“Iamgoingtosellthehouse,”Isaid,lookingatadragonflythatlandednexttome.
Leah pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her shins, she looked at the

dragonflyasifitwereamediatorinthisconversation.

“Youlovethathouse,areyousureyou’renotgettingcarriedaway?”sheaskedthe

dragonfly.

“No,”Isaidwithalightlaugh.Thedragonflyflewawayandwelookedupateach

other.

“IhopeI’mnotnextonyourlistofthingstoletgo?”sheaskedwithconcern.
“IwanttorunawayandIwanttotakeyouwithme,”Ianswered.
“When you are in your thirties it’s just called moving,” Leah repeated her earlier

wordsofwisdom.

“Willyoumoveawaywithme?”Iasked.
Leah smiled, looking around at our surroundings. “This is my home, it’s not easy

keepingallthisgoingbutIcouldn’timaginewalkingawayfromit.”

“That’sfair,andIagree.Icouldn’tseeyouwalkingawayfromthisbeautifulplace

either,andIwouldn’twantyouto.Idon’thaveitallfiguredout,IjustknowIneedyou
withme,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetoletthisbeautifulplacego.”

LeahandIhadgonethroughatraumaticeventthatcouldhavepulledusapart,but

somehowithadbroughtuscloser.Wehadafewconversationsearlyinourrecovery
abouthowwewouldmoveforward.Wedecidedtojustpushon.Wewerenotafraidof
arepeatperformancebyMadeline,somehow,weknewthatwastheend.Leahhada
hardertimelettinggoofSwellthanIdid,sheevensuggestedwetrytogetsometoease
the come-down. She would need more time to get over the addiction than anything
else. We decided not to pretend it didn’t happen, but to not let Madeline’s games get
betweenus.

The calm natural sounds of our surroundings were interrupted by the humming

vibrationofmyphonethatwasontheshorewhereweleftourclothes.

“Ugh, I don’t want to know,” I said in reference to the message that awaited my

attention.

“Thelittletownbyyourbeachhouse,what’sitlike?”Leahasked.
“It’s about twenty minutes away from the house, there are no traffic lights, just a

handfulofindependentshopsandrestaurantsoneithersideofthehighway.Thereisa
hippy vibe I guess, in the summer there are a few brightly painted pianos on the
sidewalk that are meant to be played by anyone. There is a small market on the
weekends,muchsmallerthanyours,butithasitscharm.”

“Whataboutthehouse,isthereabathroom?”Sheaskedsuspiciously.
“What?Yes,thereisabathroom,it’snotthatshabby,”Ianswereddefensively.Ithen

rolledoffthefloatingdockandintothecoolwater.

“Let’sgo,”Isaidwhiletreadingwater.
“Where?”
“CoralBay.”
“WherethefuckisCoralBay?”
Ilaughedandpushedoffthedockandglidedoverthesurfaceofthewater,floating

onmyback.Ismiledandsquintedinthesun.“Thatiswherethebeachhouseis,it’sjust
southofGalliano.Let’sgoonaroadtrip.”

Leahlaughed.Icouldn’ttellifshefoundtheideaexcitingorshewaslaughingoff

thesuggestion.ItwasasuggestionthatIhadputnothoughtinto,thewordsjustfellout
ofmymouth.Iwasinneedofsomeexcitement,therewerelooseendsthatneededto
be tied up before my freedom was certain, but those could wait. I wanted some
adventure and an impulsive road trip would be perfect. Even though Leah wasn’t
exactlyjumpingattheidea,Iknewwewouldgoanditmademehappy.

“Whataboutthedog?”sheasked.
“Hewillbecomingalongofcourse,”Ianswered.
“AndClucky,andPecky-Sue?”
“Whataboutthem?”Iaskedher,concernedandcurious.
“I’veneverleftthembefore,”sheremarked.
WeexchangedsomelaughterandIquicklyrealizedthatshewasnotkidding,andif

weweretotakethisimpulsivejourneythechickenswouldhavetojoin.

“Done,youpackandIwillmakesomesandwiches,”IsaidasIswamtoshore.Leah

gaveajoyousshoutasshejumpedintothewater.

Climbing to shore meant crawling through a muddy patch that left our feet and

hands caked with mud. We gathered our things and walked naked to the outdoor
showertorinseoff.Wehadnothadsexsincewearrived,butwe’dhadplentyoftender
andcaringmoments.Leahwaspatientwithmewhileteachingtheroutinesofthefarm
overthepastfewdays.IenjoyedbeingthereandIenjoyedlearningmoreabouther.It
feltgoodtobeinhercompany.Iwantedhertofeelgoodinmycompany.

Imadequickworkofgettingourroadtripsnackstogether,Ididn’tneedtoworry

aboutpackingmuchformyselfbecauseIhadmostofwhatIneededatthehouse.AsI
packed some final things into a bag I could see Leah outside, through the window
abovethevintagekitchensink.Shewasfeverishlypackingthingsintothebedofmy
truck.Itseemedshewantedtotakehalfofthefarm—largebagoffeed,baleofhay,and
thenshebeganherstrugglewiththechickencoop.

“Hangon,Iamcomingtohelp,”Ishoutedoutthehalf-openedwindow.
Isteppedoutsidelaughing,LeahspokebeforeIhadachance.
“Thisiswheretheysleep.Wedon’thavetotakethewholething,”Leahsaidwhile

pointingoutwherethecoopcameapart.Shelookedatme,waitingtoseemyresponse.

“Wewillhavetoputitinatanangle,”Isaidwhileliftingtheheavyside.Leahsmiled

andtogetherwesliditintothebackofthetruck.

It was less than an hour since I had suggested the road trip and we were all but

readytopullaway.ThemotorwasrunningandLeahwasusheringinthedog.Igotin
thedriver’ssideandwasgreetedwithlicksandbarks.Thencamethechickens.

“Theyaretravelingwithus,uphere?”Iasked.

“Whatdidyouthink?”Leahreturnedmyquestion.
“IguessIthoughttheywouldbeinthecoopintheback.”
“Noway,itwouldbetoowindyandcoldforthem.”
Andso,Leah,Clucky,Pecky-Sue,HotCarl,andIdroveoff,withtheeveningsunlow

inthesky.Itwasalongtripfulloflaughter,clucking,barking,andsandwiches.There
are a few problems with impulsive road trips though. First off, our timing was not
great,ourdeparturewaslateinthedaysonightquicklyfelluponus.Afterafewhours,
Iwasleftalonedrivingsouthboundunderastarrysky,allofmycompanionssleeping.
IfeltsomethingIhadnotfeltbefore;asenseoffamily.Ilookeddownatthechicken
nestleduptomeandthought,I’lltakecareofyouPecky.OrwasitClucky?Iwasn’tsure.

Afteralongjourney,fullofhighwayhypnosis,Ipulledoffatthefamiliarexit.The

night sky had become moonless and dark. I didn’t wake Leah yet because there was
nothingtosee.Drivingoverthefamiliarbumpsandgravelrattledmysoulintoawarm
dream. It wasn’t long before we pulled into the driveway, I slowly exhaled when I
turnedoffthetruck’srumblingmotor.

“We’rehere,”IwhisperedtoLeah,whoseeyeswereopenedinasquint.
“Yay,”sherespondedwithatiredfakeenthusiasm.
“Hangtight,I’llgetsomelightson,”Isaidandleftthetruck.
Iwasjustfarenoughoutoftown,andmyclosestneighbor,farenoughaway,that

no artificial light made it to the cottage. It was extremely dark and I made it to the
utilitydooronthefarsideofthecottagebymemoryandfeel.Thequietnesssometimes
took some getting used to, but coming from Leah’s farm, it wasn’t so jarring. All that
could be heard were the waves slapping against the shore. When I opened the wood
panel door, I was greeted by the familiar smell of spilled fishing lure and jerry cans
filledwithfuel.Ireachedthroughthespiderwebsandpulleddownthemainbreaker.
With a snap, everything came alive. It was almost a shame to hear the hum of
electricity,compressors,andwaterpumps.

Mywalkbacktothetruckwaswelllitwithmotionlights,andbythetimeImadeit

back,Leahwasgettingoutofthetruck.

“Not much to see at night, we can take a look around tomorrow morning,” I

suggested.

Leahstoodnexttothetruck,closedhereyes,andtookinadeepbreath.Sheseemed

pleased.Iknewwhatshefelt,IusuallydidthesamethingeverytimeIarrived.Thereis
somethingabouttheclean,saltyairthatcalmsyourheart.

“Deal,”shesaid.
We worked together unpacking and getting the chicken coop together. The dog

racedaroundandquicklyestablishedterritory.IwashappytofindthatInotonlyleft
things tidy but I prepared the wood stove with paper and kindling for a fire. The
eveningscouldbecoolbythewaterandIsometimesdidfutureJackafavorandleft
thewoodstoveinsuchastatesoIcouldjustdropinamatch.Ididjustthat;thefire
soundedlikeanoldwornoutvinylrecordandsmelledoffir.

We drank tea and curled up together on the bed. Our tea barely had time to cool

before Leah was asleep in my arms. I wanted her to feel safe here, I think she did. I
reachedovertoseethetimeonmyphone,andthatwaswhenIsawthemessagefrom
earlier.Ihadn’tforgottenitwastherewaitingforme,andhadconsideredtakingalook

morethanoncesinceIheardtheshrillchimebackatthepond.ItwasfromFranky.

Forgetabouttheotherday…itdidn’thappen.
Tomorrow is the big show, be there no later than 5pm, don’t be fucking late, I have

moneyontheline,andthereareafewsurprises,thegoodkind…

Iputthephoneonmychestandstaredattheceiling.Ihadallbutforgottenabout

the festival. I guess there was a part of me that remembered, so it might be more
accuratetosaythatIchosenottothinkaboutit.Ifeltmyheartbegintoraceandmy
breaths deepen. I realized I was nervous about the festival, and that is why I had
chosennottothinkaboutit.IlookedatLeah.Shelookedlikeshewasinadeepsleep.
Watching her calmed me and took my mind off the show. Breathing in the salty air
cominginfromthewindowschasedawaythelastofmydemons.It’saknownfactthat
demonsdon’tcareforsalt,andifyoubreatheintheoceanairlongenough,theywill
leaveyou.Thatiswhyyoufeelthatlonelyfeelingbytheshore.Wegetusedtohaving
thosecrittersaroundandwhentheyleaveittakessomegettingusedto.Itwasn’tlong
beforeIjoinedLeahandfellasleep,andwebothdriftedintosaltydreamsthatmended
ournervesandclearedourminds.

……………….

FAVORITE

PART

aboutwakinguphereatthebeachhouseisthesound,orlackthereof.

Thereisastrictrulethatnoalarmclocksaretobeused,youwakeupwhenyouwant
to. Funny enough I rarely slept in here; waking up early could be nice when it’s not
forceduponyou.Islippedoutofbedandclosedthebedroomdoorbehindme,careful
nottowakeupLeahorthedog.Theyellowmorninglightfilledtheroom.Iwasfeeling
fantastic,Ihadn’thadadrinkinalmostaweekandIwassleepinglikeababy.Thenot
drinkingthingcouldbetrickyintheevenings,butIdon’tthinkanyonehaseverwoken
upandwishedtheywerehungover.

The sunlight was beginning to warm the small open space, but the surfaces that

werenotindirectsunlightwerestillcoldtothetouch.Itwasn’tneeded,butIlitafirein
hopes it would add to Leah’s experience when she woke up. I knew she would be
delighted when she stepped out; she hadn’t seen a thing last night because it was so
dark.IheardsomesoundsoftossingandturningfromthebedroomsoImadequick
workofmakingcoffeeandopeningallthewindows.Last,butmostimportant,Ibegan
makingbreakfast.Ithoughtaheadandtookbacon,eggs,andpancakemixfromLeah’s
kitchen.IdrankcoffeeasImadeourfeast.Itwasdifficultnottoeatallthebaconwhile
Iputthingstogether,butImanagedtosavehersome.

Her timing was perfect, she stepped out of the bedroom and into the open space,

clutchingasmallpillowandshufflingherfeet.Thedogracedpastherandranaround
slippingonthepaintedwoodfloor.Iopenedthedoorandlethimout.

“Morningsunshine,”Isaidwhileofferingheracoffee.
“Morningbaby,”shereplied,andputthehotcoffeetoherlips.
I went back to work to allow her some privacy waking up and exploring her new

surroundings. She came to my side and investigated the sizzling sounds. The kitchen
wasbasic;acounter,sink,fridge,andstovelinedawall.Allthecupboardswerepainted
a white that was faded and worn, as were the walls, floors, and ceiling. There were
plentyofrugs,blankets,andthingshangingfromthewallstoeasetheharshnessofthe
white.Itisasmallbeachsidebungalowthathasallyoucouldneedandnothingmore.
Therearetwobedrooms,onesmallbathroom,thekitchenandlivingroomareonebig
spacethatopensuptothelargewindowsfacingtheocean.

Allthemismatchedold-timeysofachairspointedthatway.TherewasnotaT.V.to

befound,anditwasnotmissed.Throughthewindowswasastretchofun-keptgrass
thatfadedintosandasitgotclosertoshore.Thesandhadripplesfromthewindthat
looked like they would feel soft against bare feet. The ocean was safe to swim in,
dependingontheseason.Itcouldgetroughattimes,soifyouweremoreinterestedin
a lazy swim, rather than surfing, it would be best to stay on shore. If it was too hot,
therewastheverybasicshowertocooloffunder.Itonlyhadcoldwater,unlikeLeah’s
fancyoutdoorshower.IwouldalwaysrinseoffthesaltwaterwhenIcamebackfrom
surfing.Iwasn’tthebestsurferintownbutIadoredit.

Leahsatdownonapaddedoldrockingchairandlookedouttotheoceananddrank

hercoffee.Iwantedtoletherbebutbreakfastwasready.Iputaplateonanendtable
nexttoherwithoutawordandtookmybacon-lessplatetoanotherchair.

Leahspokewithhercoffeeclosetoherlips,herbreathcausingsteamtowispaway,

“Thisisperfect.”Shetookasmallsipandsetthecupnexttoher.

Leahwasperfect,andIwantednothingmorethanforhertobehappy.Iwantedher

towantmelikeIwantedher;Ithinkshedid.

Weglidedthroughthemorningwithoutplans.Wegotthechickenssortedoutand

tookawalkonthebeach.Asthedaywore,onwedecidedtogointotowntodosome
exploringandgetsomefood.Leahwasquitesmittenbythevillage.Idecidednottolet
Leah know that today was the day of the big show, she knew it was coming up, but
clearly, she did not realize it was that very evening. I didn’t want to ruin the day for
eitherofus.ThemomentImentionedweweregoingtoawildrock‘n’rollfestival,the
daywouldbeallaboutthatso,IdelayedaslongasIcould.

Thetextmessagesbeganfloodinginwhilewewerehavinglunchonaseasidepatio.

Rob was happy that I was at the beach house because it was not far from where the
festivalwasheld.IwouldhavetotellLeahwhatallthecommotiononmyphonewas
about.

“Whatisallthefuss?”Leahasked.
“Well, as strange as it may sound, I play the festival tonight,” I said with a smile,

amusedthatsuchalargeeventcouldsneakuplikethat.

Leahlaughedandlookedatthesky,“Whydidn’tyouremindme?”sheasked.
“Ijustdid,”Ianswered.
Wesharedalaughand,asIsuspected,thetoneofthedaychanged,notinabadway

butthelazypeacefulnesswasgone.Leahseemedexcited,andIwastoo.Ithadbegun
tofeelmorerealonceIsaiditoutloud,andIfeltsomeofthefamiliarpre-showjitters.
AswelefttherestaurantIsawaposterforthefestival.AcrossthetopitreadRockfest,
anddirectlybelowthatwastheheadlinerinbigboldletters.

B.S.R.

Myheartnearlystopped.ClearlythatwasthesurpriseFrankywasreferringto;we

were headlining. Below our large font that took the full width of the poster were the
other bands, and there were a ton of them. The font got smaller and smaller as you
wentdownthelist.Thereweresomebandsthatweresignificantlymoreofadrawthan
us so it surprised me that we were headlining. I guess you get paid more when you
headlineandFrankyfiguredoutawaytomakethathappen.Istaredattheposterin
shock.

“AreyouO.K.?”Leahasked,clearlynotrealizingthesignificanceoftheposter.
“Yeah,Iam,”Ianswered,pullingtheposteroffthewallandrollingitup.“Souvenir,”

Iadded.

Whenwegotback,wetookaquickswimintheocean.Ifeltluckytohavehadsuch

arelaxingdayproceedingtheshow.ItisjustluckythatIhadthislittleplacesoclose
by,out-of-townshowsareusuallyahassle.Itisawonderhowanyonecouldhaveany
energyleftcomeshowtime.

Thetextswereflyinginnow;thewholecrewwasthere.Apparently,wehadanice

trailerandthefestivalwasasell-outcrowd.Itriedtoimagineanoutdoorshowlikethat
sellingout,theremusthavebeenaseaofpeople.Leahwasgettingmessagestoo,from
Louise,whowasapparentlywithRob.Leahwasvisiblyexcitedabouttheshowandto
haveherfriendtosharetheexperience.GreggwarnedmetobeearlysoIcouldlearn
mycues.Mycues?Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofthat,butwepackedupandhitthe
road.Iworeshorts,sandals,andatanktop.Myblackjeans,boots,andblackbuttonup
shirt were in a bag. Leah looked fantastic, all this rest had done her well. She looked
casual in her cut offs and a white tank top, it must have been her aviator sunglasses
thatgavehertheedgylookshewasclearlygoingfor.Aftersomefussingoverthedog,
wesetoff.

Ioftendidnotlistentomusicgettingreadyforashow,butthiswasalittlesummer

road trip so tunes were in order. We had just enough time to get through an Allman
Brothersalbumbeforewegottotheevent.Wehadnotevenenteredthegatesandit
already felt like we were in the middle of the festival, there were people everywhere
andwedroveatacrawlingspeed.

Leah was on the phone with Rob trying to figure out where we should go. She

provedtobeanexcellentnavigatorandbeforelongwegottotheappropriategate.I
wouldhavebeenhopelesswithoutLeahtellingmewheretogo.Weweregreetedbya
youngsecurityguardinaredshirtandahead-setwalkie-talkie.Aftersomeexplaining
and walkie-talkie jargon, the gates were opened and we drove in. It was a beehive of
activityandweparkedatthefirstopportunity.Icouldn’tseethecrowd,buttherear-
viewofthemassivestagecouldnotbemissed.Icouldseetracesofadrummerthrough
barsandwireswhowasplayinginatantrum,wrappingupasong.Hecrashedasymbol
andstoodtallonhisfeetandthatwaswhenIheardthecrowd.Ihadneverheardsuch
afuriouscollectiverumble,itsoundedlikeaseaofwarriorsabouttoraceintoanepic
battle.Everyhaironmybodystoodonend.Ifeltalive.

“ W

CHAPTER25

oooo!”Rob’sfamiliaryellwastheloudestofalltheshoutscomingfromthemass
of people heading toward us. They were all smiling and greeting us. Everyone

wantedtotalkatthesametime,andtheyallhadthesamebasicmessage.

“We’refucking headlining!” Rob grabbedhis hair like amad scientist who made a

discovery.

“Iknow,thisiscrazy!”Ianswered.
Ifeltalittlesillyinmyshortsandtanktop,Iwastheleaderoftheheadliningband

andIlookedlikealazytourist,especiallynexttothiscrewwholookedliketheywere
readyforamusicvideo.LouiseandLeahweretalkinginexcitedwhispersawayfrom
thecrowd;theyseemedveryhappytoseeeachotherandIwasgladtoseeLeahwould
haveherfriendwithherwhileIwastakenaway.

“How’syourbattery?”Iasked,referringtoherphone.
“Fullchargecaptain,”sheanswered.
IsmiledatherandwentoffwithRobandcompanytoatrailerthathadB.S.Rwritten

onapieceofpapertapedtothedoor.Frankywastherebarkingatsomepoorkidwho
was probably a volunteer. There were some familiar faces and some that were not,
everyone in the trailer was sitting around talking among themselves. A lady in black
tights,khakishorts,andautilitybelt,shottoherfeetandskippedovertome.Shehad
theairofaleader.

“O.K.,you’rehere.Good—letsgooverthis,pleasesitdown.”
Roblookedatherasiftheyhadalreadymetandtookaseat,Itoosatdownbutgave

heralookthatclearlyaskedhertoidentifyherself.

“Sorry,mynameisLoriandIamthestagedirector.Wehavebigplansforyouguys.

Youwillbehittingthestagejustasthesungoesdown,wewillhavenosunlightabout
twenty minutes into your set so the fireworks and pyrotechnics won’t really kick in
untilthen.Wehaveputtogetheravideothatwillbeplayedonthebigscreenforthe
audiencetowatchbeforeyouwalkout.Wecanwatchitheresoyouknowwhatyou
are walking out to. Don’t worry about timing, we will let you know when to go. It’s
shortandsweet,butIthinkeffective.”

Lorithedirectorplayedthevideofromherlaptop;itbeganwithourlogoagainsta

white background. The song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” came through the tiny
laptopspeaker,itsoundedghostlyandsweet,Lorimentionedthatobviouslyitwould
sounddifferentthroughthemassiveP.A.speakers.ThenLoribegantoshout:

“Bang!Bang!”

“Itwillsoundlikecannons,whilefireshootsoutofthesideofthestage.”Everytime

she said bang the logo glowed and pulsed and B.S.R. appeared across the screen, the
name in flames. I assumed they were playing the pretty song for some kind of
juxtaposition.

“Now you will walk out last, try to time it as the song wraps up. If I understand

correctly,Greggwillcountoffonthehigh-hat,isthatrightGregg?”

“Yup,”Greggansweredfromthecorner.
Ididn’tseehimuntilthen,soIgreetedhim,“Heyman.”
“Focus!” Lori shouted at us. She had a way about her that allowed her to yell

withoutbeingoffensive.

Shecontinuedtoworkwithusforthenexthalfhourorso.Shewasagreatleader

andsheknewhowtogetusallonthesamepage,itmademewishshewasactuallyin
the band. This was a first for us, we had never had this kind of treatment. We would
usually make fun of artists that used showy gimmicks, but it’s funny how things
change.Itallseemedeasyenough,therewerenotmanycuestoremember,andwhen
I associated them with particular songs, it was even easier. After some words of
encouragement,sheleftusaloneinthetrailer.Frankyusheredeveryoneelseout,so
onlythefourofuswereleft.

“I can’t believe this. I don’t know how you did it Franky,” Gregg said in his deep

voice.

“Justdon’tfuckitup,”Frankyreplied.
Roblookedathiswatchandremarked,“Lessthananhour.”
Ilookedoutasmallwindowandsawthesunlowinthesky;ithadbeenyearssince

Ihadbeennervousforashow,butIwasvibratingwithadrenaline.

“Sitdown,you’remakingmenervous,”Robsaid.
Ihadbeenpacingtheroomlikeamadman.Itookhissuggestionandsatdown.
“Isthatwhatyou’rewearing?”Greggasked.
IhadalmostforgottenthatIlookedlikeabeach-bumtourist.Iscannedtheroomfor

mybagofclothes.

“Where’syourguitar?”Greggquestionedmeagain.
Ihadamomentofpanicbeforeherevealedthathehadit,andofcoursehescolded

meforcomingtothebiggestshowofourliveswithnothingmorethanadufflebagand
atan.

Loriopenedthedoorandshoutedinside,“Thirtyminutes,boys.”
I had another rush of adrenaline, and my mates seemed to notice. I may have

lookedlikeIwaslosingit.Robpassedmeanextremelycoldbottleofbeer.

“Nodrinking!”Frankybarked.
“Jesus,lookathimFrank.”
“Alright,maybeyou’reright.DrinkupJack,butnohardstuff,”Frankysaidaftera

brief assessment. I knew I had wild eyes but the truth was I was slowly getting
comfortable with this heightened state. I don’t think I touched the beer while I
changed.

“Fifteenminutes!”Lorishoutedagainthroughthehalf-openeddoor.
Wewereallstanding,pacing,breathingheavy,exchanginglookslikesoldiersbefore

abattle.Wewerenotcalmoldprofessionals,butmorelikeyoungladsabouttohave

theirfirstbreak.Itwasn’texactlyfear,althoughIwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tafraid,
butfearcanbemistakenforfeelingweakandpowerless.Ididnotfeelweak,nordidI
feelpowerless.IfeltlikeIwouldbeabletoflyfromhereovertothestageandmyfeet
wouldnevertouchtheground.Icouldbringthewholecrowdtotheirkneesuponmy
command.Iinhaleddeeplyandloudlythroughmynose,myeyeswerewide.Iwasa
god.

“AreyouO.K.man?”Rob’svoicesoundeddistantandfaint.Iturnedtohimandsaw

hisconcernedlook.

“O.K.boys,it’stimetogetovertothewingofthestage,let’smove.”
I looked at Rob and he seemed less concerned with me and more self-aware. We

steppedoutintothetwilightandbeganourshortwalktothesideofthestage.

Somewhereovertherainbow...
Theghostlychild’svoicesangthesong,andthecrowdresponded.Wealllookedat

eachotherwithreliefwhenweheardtheircheers.Thecrowdreactedtothechanging
graphicsonthebigscreenthatwecouldnotsee.

Bang
Thecannonswentoffandwefelttheheatofthefire.LoripointedtoRobandGregg,

signalingthemtowalkonstage.Theybothposturedandwentfromlookinglikevery
nervousboystoconfidentroostersstruttingtotheirplace.Theywererecognizedand
thecrowd’senergyintensified.

“Wait,”Lorisaidwithahandonmychest.“O.K.Takeyourtime.”
I saw Leah. She had her hands over her mouth in shock from the theatrics and

grandeur of the moment. I made my way to her, grabbed the back of her neck and
kissedher,myheartbegantobeatdifferently,Iwasready.

Iwalkedslowlytomycue,centerstageatthemicstand,takinglong,slowstrides.

The crowd welcomed me with a roar that almost drowned out the song that was
wrappingup.

...AndIthinktomyself,whatawonderfulworld
Bang
Thetheatricsseemedtobewellreceived.Icouldfeeltheroarofthecrowdinmy

chestasIacceptedmyfamiliarguitarfromanunfamiliarstagehand.Myeyesneverleft
thecrowd.IfelttheweightofmyguitarhangingoffmeandIfeltready.Ilookedover
themassiveseaofpeople,ahillsweptupinthedistancemakingitsothecrowdwent
literallyasfarastheeyecouldsee.Ispokeintothemicandheardmyvoiceblastoutof
themassivespeakershangingfrombothsidesofthestage.

“Alright,let’sdothisthing.”
Gregg hit the high-hat four times and we began to play; it was the loudest, most

powerful P.A. we had ever played though. To hear my guitar and my voice booming
outofthemainspeakersmademefeellargerthanlife.Allmyfearwasgone.Ifeltlike
Rob,Gregg,andIwereoneunitandwecouldnotfail.Ifeltlikethecrowdjustwanted
toshareamomentwithus,andtheyknewwhatparttheyweretoplay.Thethreeofus
andthecrowdworkedtogethertocreatesomething,wecreatedamemory.

Off course, I missed almost all of the cues; I was completely wrapped up in the

momentandlostinterestintheplannedmomentsLorihadforus.Ispentalittletime
makingfunofthetheatrics,althoughthetruthwasIlovedthem.Itwasadarknight

andthelightshowmatchedupwithoursongsperfectly.

Itwashotfromlightsandpyrotechnics,sosweatwaspouringoffme.Iwashaving

the night of my life. With every overdriven chord I played, I felt my demons scurry
away like frightened animals; Dr. Putz, Ava Munro, Madeline, Bonneville. I felt as
thoughIpushedallofthemoffacliff,thenRobandGreggshottheminthebackofthe
head.Thesetwasnotlong,eventhoughwewereheadliningitstillwasafestivaland
thesetstendtobeshorter.Iknewbetterthantogetcarriedawayandplaylongerthan
the schedule, and I was disappointed when our last song came up. I thanked them
sincerely,thenfeltcompelledtosayafewwords.

“Perhapssomeintroductionsareinorder?”Iasked.
“Tomyleft,onthebassguitar,formallyknownastheking,Mr.RobJones.”
The crowd gave the appropriate response, Rob laughed and gave me a look. We

neverdointroductionsandIhadnoideawhatthekingthingmeant.Mr.lightguywas
rightoncueputtingRobunderaspotlight.

“And formally known as the queen...” I delayed and looked back at Gregg, who

lookedpuzzledbythequeenreference.IbegantopointtohimbutatthelastmomentI
aimedmypointedindexfingertothetopofmyownhead.

“JackFrancisWillow.”
ThelightmanhadthespotlightonGreggandquicklymovedittome.Thecrowd

respondedasIhopedtheywouldwithamusedapplause.

“And currently known as Bad Ass Mother Fucker, on the drums, Mr. Gregg

Roubideaux.”Gregglaughedandgaveafewhitsonthedrums.

“Thistrulyisaspecialshowforus,becausethiswillinfactbeourlastshowever.I

couldn’tthinkofabetterwaytosaygoodbyethanwithanightlikethis.Thankyouall!”

Thecrowdbecameaconfusedsea.Ilookedatmymates,andtheylookedbackwith

trusting smiles. The three of us shared a moment before beginning our last song,
somehow,weallknewthiswasright,weknewthiswastheperfectgoodbye.

I rarely open my eyes when I perform, something I have been called out for in

reviews because it is considered unprofessional. For that last song, I made a point of
keepingthemopen,Ilookedoutonthemassivecrowdandletthemomentburninto
mymemory,IknewthiswasamomentIwoulddrawuponfortherestofmyyears.
Funnyenough,GreggneverplayedwithhiseyesclosedbutwhenIlookedbackathim
his eyes were shut and he was clearly having a personal moment. Rob was smiling,
againsomethingherarelydidonstage.Thethreeofussaidgoodbyeinourownway.
Fortheverylastmoment,IdidobeyLori’sdirectionandstoodonaboxatcenterstage.
OnthelastnoteIjumpedoff,andaspromised,thecannonswentoff,flamesshotupon
eithersideofme,andfireworksfollowed.Trulyagrandfarewell.

Thethreeofuswenttotheedgeofthestageandwavedgoodbyeunderthebright,

whitelights,thenleftthestage.

“That was amazing!” Leah yelled and hugged me. I held back slightly to save her

frommysweatcoveredbodyandleanedintokissher.

“You’reamazing,”Ianswered.
Weallfloodedbacktothetrailer,stillhighfromtheexperience,ourcrewseemedto

belargerthanitwasbeforetheshow.Lorigotridofmostofthecrowdandusheredus
intothetrailer.

IhadamomentwithRobandGregg.IbegantoexplainbutGreggstoppedmeand

said I was right, and it was the perfect note to end on. Rob agreed, and we shared a
three-wayhugthatwemadeshortbecausewewereallasweatymess.

“Alright,let’sgothebeach,”Isuggested.Everyoneagreedwithshoutsandcheers.
Somehow,weallgotthere,whenLeahandIarrivedtherewerealreadyafewcars

parkedinfrontandRobwasstartingthegrill.Wewereallfeelinghighanddancedtoa
reggaealbumthatwasunknowntome.ItwasnicetoseeLeahsmilingandlaughing
withLouise.Theydancedtogetherandsharedwhisperslikemischievoussisters.

I was happy there were no drugs, they really were not needed, with everyone

feeling high from the show and the ocean breeze, and of course the wine. Someone
brought copious amounts of white wine which I found strange, so we all drank very
coldwhitewinefromplasticglasses.Weate,wedrank,andwedanced.Butwhatgoes
upmustcomedown.Itwouldnotbelongbeforethesunwouldstarttoriseandpeople
werestartingtofindtheirspotstosleep.

Gregg was spread-eagle on my bed, so I left him there. Leah and I took a couple

blanketsandpillowsandheadedtothebeach.Wesetupamake-shiftbednexttoafire
thatwasbeginningtofade.Wewrappedourselvesandheldeachothertight.Wekissed
softlyatfirst,thenwithalittlemorepassion.Iheldhercloseandforthefirsttimesince
wewerecaptives,wemadelove.ItmayhavebeenthefirsttimeIhadevermadelove
butIcan’tbesure.IheldherhairbackwithbothofmyhandsandtoldherIlovedher,
shetoldmethesame.

Thesunwokeusearlyinthemorningandweswamnakedintheocean.

“I

EPILOGUE

t’s your turn,” Leah said from her side of the bed. We had agreed to take turns
feeding the animals in the morning so the other could sleep in a little. My little

beach house, or should I say our little beach house, had become our home for six
months of the year. For the other six months, we live on Leah’s family farm. Leah
wasn’twillingtoletgoofthefarmandIwashappyforit.It’snotthatherkeepingher
farmhousewasarelationshipliferaft,itwasmorethatitwasapartofheridentity.We
workedasateamtakingcareofit.Ithadbecomealaborofloveformetoo,andLeah
washappytohavemetherehelpingout.Admittedly,thisarrangementdidgetinthe
wayofmyownenterprise;J.F.W.MotorcycleRepairandRestoration.Irentedaspace
in Coral Bay that suited me well. To my surprise, I had more business than I could
handlesoIhadtopickandchoosewhatprojectsIwouldtakeon.Whenwewereatthe
farm and my little shop was closed, I would slowly build a couple of bikes out of a
sectionofthebarn.Wehavehadthisarrangementforafewyearsanditworkswell.
Aftersixmonths,wearebothreadyforchange;itkeepsthingsinteresting.

Duringthesummersatthefarm,Leahstilldoesthemarketupnorthasshealways

had.Idon’ttendtogobecauseLouiseroutinelyworkswithLeaheverySaturdayandI
don’t want to infringe, and I am happy to have a day to myself to be honest. I have
learnedhowtorideahorse;itwasaconditionofourarrangementthatLeahhadforced
upon me. It took some time but I have learned to love riding. We make a point of
takingacampingtriponhorsebackmid-summer.

In the winters, we go south to the beach house. When we arrive late in the fall I

have at least one bike ready for my little showroom and Leah has a truckload of
preserves for the market in town. It is year three and the market has become quite
popularwiththelocalsandtouristsalike.Idohelpoutwiththismarket,ithasbeena
greatwaytogettoknowthecommunity.Afterthemarket,Iwouldstayintownand
playacousticguitaratanopenmic.

The beach house being lived in full time has changed it considerably; it needed a

woman’stouchandLeahwascertainlyupforthattask.Shewasabletomakeitfeellike
theperfectlittlehome,itissmallbutperfectforthetwous.Thereisafairamountof
land, and we put it to good use with gardens and chicken coops. The horses stay up
northunderthecareofLouise,buttherestofthecrewheadssouthwithusinthefall.
Even though we use the horse trailer like a U-Haul, it still is a challenge to get
everythingdowninonetrip.

This morning was indeed my turn for chores. I woke up, put the coffee on, and

headed outside, the dog racing around my feet like usual, making it hard not to trip
overhim.Ihatedgettingoutofbed,butonceIwasupitwasalwaysmyfavoritetime
ofday.Justmealonewiththeworld.

Mymorningroutinehadmeinautopilotmode,Ididmychoreswithoutanyeffort

andignoredthedog’sdemandsformyattention.Itwasalovelymorningandthesea
wascalm,thesoundofaraven’swingsoverheadtookmeoutofmymorningdream
and I tried to spot it. Somehow, I couldn’t see it, even though it sounded like it was
flyingdirectlyaboveme.Isquintedinthesunandlookedoutoverthesea.Isatdown
toquietlyenjoythemoment,somethingItrytodoatleastonceadaynow.Isatagainst
atree,scratchedthedog’shead,andthoughtofhowIhadchanged,whoI’dbecome;I
washappy.IhadnodesiretobewithanyonebutLeah.Ihaveanewhomeandsheis
thecenterofit.

I heard the screen door close and saw Leah step onto the deck in her house coat,

withacoffeeinhand.Sheisthebestthingthathaseverhappenedtome.Iwasvery
muchinlove.ShegavemeamorningsmileandIwavedbackfrommygrassyresting
spot.

Everythingaboutthisisright.

AFTERWORD

hankyouforreadingSex,LoveandRockn’Roll!Ilovetohearfromreadersandcan

be reached at

ScottMackenzie323@gmail.com

as well as on my

Facebook

and

Instagram

.Ofcoursereviewsareappreciated.

Ialsohavea

YouTubechannel

whereyouwillfindmanyofthesongsreferencedin

this book, and other original music I have recorded in my home studio. Be on the
lookoutforanalbumcomingthisspring!

My next book,

Rocked Up

, is coming out on April 12th and can already be

preordered on Amazon (note: this book won’t be in KU). Rocked Up is a rockstar
romanticcomedyIco-wrotewithmywife,author

KarinaHalle

,andyoumayjustgeta

glanceofJackWillowinit.

Preorder Rocked Up now

and save money. Price is going up by nearly 50% after

releaseday.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“IfIcanseefartherthanothersitisbecauseIstandontheshouldersofgiants.”

Thankyoutomywife,KarinaHalle.Thankyouforreiningmeinwhenmyideasgot

toowild,andforpushingmetogoonwhenthingsgothard.Itisneedlesstosaythat
this book would never have seen the light of day (or the dark of night) if you hadn’t
guidedmethroughtheprocess.Iloveyou.

Iwouldalsoliketothankeveryonewhohastakenthetimeoutoftheirbusylivesto

promoteandshareSex,LoveandRockn’Roll.Iamhumbled,andIamgrateful;your
creationsandkindwordsbringmemorejoythenyouknow.

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

Born in Montreal and raised in rural Ontario, Scott Mackenzie has worn a lot of different hats in his life, from
bartendingtoworkingasaheavydutymechanicfortherailway,toowningandoperatingatake-outrestaurant.
He finally settled down out West, where he lives on an island with his author wife and their dog. Scott can be
foundexploringthegulfislandsonhissailboat,playingandrecordingmusicinhisstudio,oronahikethinking
abouthisnextbook.

Reachouttome

scottmackenzie323

www.instagram.com/scotyalan

scottmackenzie323@gmail.com

Document Outline

Copyright
Dedication
Preface
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Epilogue
Afterword
Acknowledgments
About the Author

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