JAKEUNDERSTOOD

PenelopeWard

FirstEdition,March2015

Copyright © 2015by

PenelopeWard

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducednorusedinany
mannerwhatsoeverwithouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisherexceptforuseof
briefquotationsinabookreview.

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsof
theauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingor
dead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.

CoverbyRBADesigns.Stockphoto©Shutterstock.com

TableofContents

Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
MoreFromPenelopeWard
Acknowledgements
AbouttheAuthor

CHAPTER1

Present

Thesoundofthedoorslammingreplayedoverandoverinmyhead.
Mywifewalkedoutonme.
Sevenhoursandthirty-fiveminuteshadpassedtobeexactsinceshe’dleft,butitfeltlikean

eternity.Shesaidshe’dcomebackwhensheclearedhermindbutdidn’tsayhowlongthatwouldtake.
Ninamadetworequestsbeforeshewasgone:nottocallherandnottotexther.

Notwantingtomakethingsworse,Idecidedtorespectherwishesandspentmostoftheday

staringatthefrontdoorfrommyspotonthecouch,hopingthatanyminuteshewouldwalkinandtellme
thateverythingwasgoingtobeokaywithus.

ThetruthwasIcouldn’tblameherforleaving.Ninahadeveryrighttobepissedatme.Weloved

eachotherfiercelyandhadgottenintoourshareoffightsovertheyearssincegettingmarried,butnever
hadshephysicallyleftme.Lastnightwasthestrawthatbrokethecamel’sback.

Thisdaywasalongtimecoming.Infact,I’dbeenbracingforitfromthemomentIfirstmether.

MaybeIwasafoolforeverbelievingthatshecouldhandlethesituationshe’dgottenherselfintowhen
sheagreedtobewithme.Itwasonlyamatteroftime.

Theonebitofgoodnewswasthatourson,A.J.,hadbeenatmymother’swheneverythingwent

downthismorning,sohedidn’thavetowitnessit.Ihadarrangedtohavehimstaytherethisweekendfor
adifferentreason,soitjusthappenedtoworkoutthathewasn’there.I’dtoldNinathatmymothersimply
missedhergrandsonandwantedsomebondingtime.MahadpickedhimupFridayafternoon.Ninahadno
ideathatI’dactuallyplannedapartyforhertonight.So,thiswassuckasstiming.

She’drecentlyfinishednursingschoolaftertakingseveralyearsofftoraiseourson.Iwasso

damnproudofherandthoughtitwouldbenicetosurpriseherbyinvitingthoseclosesttoustothe
apartmentforanintimatecelebration.Ourbestfriends,SkylarandMitch,wouldbedrivinguptoBoston
fromNewJerseyandstayingwithusforthelongweekend.Mysister,Allison,andherhusband,Cedric,
wereplanningtobringfoodfromErika’s,aduelingpianobarandrestaurantonBeaconHillthey’d
recentlyinvestedin.TonightwassupposedtobeoneofthemostamazingSaturdaynightsofourlives.It
wasalsowhyIwenttovisitIvylastnight—onFriday—insteadofmyusualSaturday.

Thatwasmyfirstmistake.
Aloudknockonthedoorinterruptedmythoughts.MyheartbegantopoundasIleaptupfromthe

couch.

Nina.Baby.Youcameback.
NervousexcitementtransformedintooverwhelmingdisappointmentatthesightofSkylarand

Mitchstandinginthedoorway.Apparently,IwassoexcitedtothinkitmighthavebeenNina,I’dforgotten
shewouldhavejustusedherkeyinsteadofknocking.I’dalsoapparentlyforgottentotellthemnotto
bothercomingtoBostontonight.Therewouldbenopartynow.Thelookofdespaironmyfacemusthave
beeninstantlyobvious.

“Don’tlooksothrilledtoseeus,Jake.”Skylarstompedthesnowoffherfeetandbrushedpastme.

“We’vebeeninthecarforfivehours.Ihavetodropthekidsoffatthepoolstat.”

Mitchsawmyconfusedfaceandclarified,“Thatmeansshehastotakeapiss.”
Icouldn’thelpbutchuckleatthesightoflittleSkylarwithababyhangingfromacarrieronher

chest.SkylarhandedtheirnewbornsontoMitchandrantothebathroom.

I’dknownhersinceshewasfifteen,andshe’dalwaysbeenaspitfire.Sheneverheldanything

back.Inthatsense,Skylarwaslikeafemaleversionofme,thelittlesisterIneverhad.Itwashardto
believeshewasallgrownupnow,butherattitudewasthesameasalways.Asmuchastodayhadsucked,
Iwashappynottobealoneanymore.

Mitchgavemeourusualmanlysidehug.“How’sitgoing,man?Youlooklikeshit.”
Ipattedhimintentionallyhardontheback.“Thanks,dude.Ifeellikeshit.”
SkylaremergedfromthebathroomandploppeddownontheredcouchbeforetakingMitchJr.

fromherhusband.“Where’sNina?”

Isatdownacrossfromthemontheleatherreclinerandrubbedmytiredeyes.“Sheleft…this

morning.”Iswallowedfromthediscomfortofsayingitoutloud.

“Wheredidshego?”
“Shewouldn’ttellme.”
Skylarsquinted.“What?”
“Wegotintoafight.”
“Hangon.”Sheliftedhershirtandstartedtoundoherbra.
Whatthefuck?
Iinstinctivelyturnedmyheadaway.“Uh…doyounormallyjustwhipyourtitoutinthemiddleof

aconversation?”

Mitchlaughed.“Allthetime,actually.”
Skylarcontinuedundressing.“Jake,yourwifehasthebiggestknockersonthefaceoftheEarth.I

thinkyoucanhandlesomehumblesideboobwhileIfeedmyson.”

“Awarningwouldhavebeennice,that’sall.”
“I’llkeepthatinmind.”SkylarpositionedMitchJr.overherrightbreast,andheseemedtolatch

oninstantly.“Now,spill.Whatthehellisgoingon?”

IstaredatapictureofNinahangingonthewall.I’dsketcheditwhenshewaspregnantwithA.J.

Oursonwasnoweight,butitseemedlikejustyesterdaythatshewascarryinghim.Wehadn’thadany
luckgettingpregnantagainsince.First,itwasbecauseshewasafraidtosufferpostpartumdepression
again,soshewouldn’tconsidertryingforanother.Then,aftershecamearoundafewyearsago,we
simplyhadn’tbeenabletoconceive.MyheartfeltlikeitwasabouttocombustasIstaredupatthe
drawing.

Iletoutadeepbreath.“InormallyspendSaturdaywithIvy.Youknowthat.”
“Yourex-wife,”Mitchinterjected.
Inodded.
Iknewheunderstoodthereasoningbehindit,butthetoneinhisvoicecameoffasalittle

judgmental.

“IneededtofreeuptodayandtonighttogetstuffreadyforNina’sparty,soIswitchedmyIvyvisit

toyesterday.Becausethepartywasasurprise,ImadeupastoryaboutIvyhavingaproblemandmy
needingtogotothegrouphomelastnightinsteadoftoday.IjinxedmyselfbecausewhenIactuallygotto
Ivy’s,theytoldmeshe’dbeenhospitalized.Iendedupgoingtothehospitalinstead.”

“So,whywouldNinagetthatupset?She’susedtoyouseeingIvyonceaweek.”
“It’sneverbeeneasyforher,Skylar.Youknowthat.Somethingwasdifferentaboutherreactionto

lastnight,though.That’swhatIcan’tfigureout.”

“So,whathappenedwithIvy?”
“Thestaffatthegrouphomefoundhertryingtoclimbtheroofagainandhadheradmitted.The

doctoradjustedhermedsandreleasedherthismorning.It’stheusualroutine.”

“Whathappenedwhenyougothomelastnight?”

“Thatwastheproblem.Ididn’tcomehomeuntilthismorning.”
Skylar’seyespracticallybuggedoutofherhead.“What?”
“Iknowthatlooksbad,buttherewasastormlastnightandcarsontheroadoutsideofthehospital

werespinningoutleftandrightonblackice.Theyactuallyendedupclosingtheroadforawhile.Icalled
NinatoletherknowI’dbespendingthenightthere.Believeme,itwasthelastthingIwantedtodo,and
shedidn’tseemthatupsetoverthephone.Ithoughtshe’dunderstandgiventhesituation.”

Skylarpulledthebabyoffherbreastandcoveredherself.HandinghimtoMitch,shegotupfrom

thecouchandproceededtosmackmelightlyupsidethehead.

“Whatthefuck,Skylar?”
“I’msorry.Ijusthadtodothat,”shesaidasshesatbackdown.“Areyouinsane,Jake?Doyou

reallythinkthereareanycircumstancesunderwhichit’sokaytospendthenightwithyourex-wife?”

“Itoldyou.They’dclosedtheroad.Itwasimpossibletogethome.”
“Igetit,butyoucanatleastunderstandthateventhoughyouhadnochoice,Ninastillhasaright

tobepissedaboutit.”

Iknewshewasright.Ihadfuckedup.
Skylarcontinued,“Still,though,somethingdoesn’tsoundright.Icouldseeherbeingupset,but

whywouldsheleave?”

“That’swhatI’mtryingtofigureout.”
“Whatdidshesaywhensheleft?”
“WhenIwalkedinthedoor,shewaswaitingwithhercoatonreadytogo.Shesaidsheneededto

getaway.IaskedifithadtodowiththefactthatIsleptatthehospital,andshecamebackwith‘whatdo
youthink?’IfIthoughtforonesecondshe’dfeelthatway,Iwouldhavefuckingiceskatedhomelastnight.
Ireallydidn’tthinkitwouldbotherherlikeitdid.”

“Everyonehastheirlimits.”
Inoddedtomyself,feelinglikeshitforhurtingher.Ithadbeenalmosteighthours,andImissed

hersomuch.IjustwantedtoholdherandtellherhowmuchIlovedherandspendtherestofthenight
makinglovetoher.Butevenstrongerthanthatneedwastheacheinmychest,adeepknowingthatthere
wassomethingmoretothisthanjustmystayingatthehospital.

Mitchreturnedfromthekitchenwithabeer.“Man,forgivemeforsayingthis,butIdon’treally

understandhowthehellyoudoit.”

“Dowhat?”
“Gotoseeherlikeyoudoeveryweek.Ihonestlydon’tthinkSkylarcouldhandleitifitwereme.”
Skylarrockedthebabytosleep.“It’seasytosaythat,butpeoplefindwaysofhandlingthings

whentheyhaveto.Lordknows,I’vehandledenoughwhenitcomestous,Mitch.”Shelookedatme.“You
didn’tasktobeinthissituation.”

ThatwaswhyIlovedSkylar.Shewaswise.SheunderstoodthatIdidn’treallyhaveachoice.

Sure,inlife,we’refreetodowhatwewant,butwhenyou’retryingtodotherightthing,thereisonlyone
choice.It’snotalwaystheeasiestchoice.Ivywasmorelikeachildtomeatthispointthananex-wife.
Shehadnootherfamilyanddeepdown,NinaunderstoodwhyIcouldn’tjustabandonher,whyIvy
neededthecontinuityofseeingsomeonewhocaredaboutheratleastonceaweek.Ninahadalwaysput
asideherownneedstoallowmetocontinuetolookoutforIvywithinreason.ThatwasoneofthethingsI
lovedaboutmywife.ButIalsounderstoodthatitwouldneverbeeasyforher,andIcarriedalotofguilt
aboutthat.Therewererules,though.VisitswereonlyonceaweekonSaturdays,andifwehadafamily
obligation,thatwouldalwayscomefirst.

Mitchtookaswigofhisbeerthenturnedtome.“DidNinaalwaysknowaboutIvy?”
Ibentmyheadbackagainstthechair,thinkingaboutthedayswhenwefirstmetandthecanof

wormshejustopenedupwiththatquestion.“No.”

Skylarsmiledatme.Shewasoneoftheonlypeoplewewerestillfriendswithwhoalsoknewus

backthen.“JakewasstillmarriedtoIvywhenhemetNina.”

Mitchlookedshocked.“Saywhat?”
Ichuckled.“Youdidn’tknowthat?”
“No.Ihadnoidea.”Heputhisfeetuponthecoffeetable.“I’dlovetohearthis.”
“I’veheardNina’sversion,butIwouldn’tmindhearingyours,”Skylarsaidasshewalkeda

sleepingMitchJr.overtoaportablecribsetupinthecorneroftheroom.

Isettledbackinmyseatandcrossedmyarms.“Howmuchtimedoyouhave?”

CHAPTER2

Past

ThelightsofthecityilluminatedthenightskyasIlookedoutofIvy’sbedroomwindow.Thiswas

alwaysthemostpeacefulpartoftheweekend,whenshewouldnap,andIwouldjustwatchhersleep
beforesayinggoodbyeandboardingthelatetrainbacktoNewYorkCityfortheweek.

FeelingsofguiltalwayscreptinrightaboutthistimebecauseI’donceagainbeleavingheralone

untilthefollowingweekend.TherewasalwaystoomuchtimetothinkherewhenIvywaseithersleeping
orinoneofhercatatonicstates.ButI’dtakethesemomentsanytimeoveroneofherparanoidepisodes.

Icontemplatedwhatmylifehadbecome.Itwasunconventionaltosaytheleastandveryhardto

explaintoanyone.Somedays,itfeltliketherewasnooneelseintheworldwhocouldpossibly
understand.So,veryfewpeopleinNewYorkknewabouttheseweekendsinBoston,knewaboutmylife.
Youcouldn’texplainthissituationveryeasilytopeopleinawaythatthey’dtrulygetit.Thequestions
alonewouldmakemyheadspin.

Whydoyoustaywithher,Jake?
Howcanyoufuckotherwomenwhenyou’retechnicallymarried?
DidyoumovetoNewYorktogetawayfromher?
ThefewtimesI’dopeneduptothewrongpeopleaboutIvy,I’dregrettedit.Ididn’tneedthe

sympathyorjudgmentofpeoplewho’dneverwalkedinmyshoes.

IwaspracticallyakidwhenImetmywife.
Mywife.
IlookeddownatIvy’sbackrisingandfallingassheslept.Wewerelegallymarried,butshefelt

morelikeachildtomenowthanaspouse.Thiswasn’tamarriageintheintimatesenseorinanywaythat
mightmakeamarriagepleasurable.

IvyandImetsixyearsagoonHuntingtonAvenueoutsideNortheasternUniversitywhenIwasa

freshman.Shewasdancingaloneintherain,andIwasinstantlycaptivated.ThemoreIgottoknowherin
theweeksthatfollowed,themoremesmerizedIbecame.ShewaslikenoothergirlI’devermet.She
playedguitarandhadsomegigsatlocalvenues.Ascoolasshecameoff,shedidn’thavemanyclose
friends.Ibecameherentirelife.Shewasimpulsive,recklessandhadanauraaboutherthatwas
contagious.

SheconvincedmetorunofftoVegaswithheroneweekend.BeforeIknewit,Iwaseighteenand

marriedbythepowervestedinElvis.

Withinsixmonths,IknewI’dmadeamistake.ItrulycaredaboutIvy,thesexwasthebestofmy

lifeupuntilthatpoint,andsheintriguedme,butIknewthatIreallywasn’tinlovewithherthewayyou
neededtobeinordertospendtherestofyourlifewithsomeone.Still,Itoldmyselfthatwecouldmakeit
work,thatIcouldgrowtoloveher.

Notlongintoourmarriage,thingsstartedslowlychangingfortheworse.Ivywasexhibitingsome

strangebehaviors.Atfirst,itwassubtle,likeshe’dskipclassesornotshowupforwork.Eventually,it
catapultedintosomethingbeyondmycontrol—somethingthatwouldchangeourlives.

Ivywouldaccusemeofeverythingunderthesunfromcheatingtoplottingtohurther.Shestarted

chain-smokingheavily.Shewasturningintoadifferentpersonbeforemyeyes.Ididn’tunderstandwhat
washappening,butmybetterinstinctstoldmeshewasgoingtoneedmeeventhoughIwastemptedto

leave.

Then,ontopofeverythingelse,hermotherdiedsuddenly.Ivyhadnootherfamilyexceptforme.

Shebecamemoreandmoredependent,andIbecamemoreandmoreafraidtoabandonherinthatstate.
Eventually,itbecameclearthatsheneededtobeevaluated.I’dputitoff,afraidofwhatthedoctors
woulddotoher,butithadgottentoapointwhereshecouldn’tevenbeleftalonewhileIwasatwork.
She’dtakeoffherclothesandroamthestreet,accuserandomstrangersofrape,accusemeofrapeor
devisingaplantomurderher.Thelistofdelusionswasendless.

I’dheardofschizophreniabutneverreallyunderstoodit.Whendoctorsgavehertheformal

diagnosis,IreadeverythingIcouldonit,wenttosupportgroupsandtriedtohandleitintheonlywaysI
knewhow.Eventually,IhadtoputherinagrouphomebecauseIcouldn’tworkandtakecareofheratthe
sametime.

Somedayswerebetterthanothers.Onherbestday,astrangerwouldn’tbeabletotelltherewas

anythingwrong.Onherworst,Iwasscaredshewouldtakeherownlife.Noneofthemedstheytriedin
theearlydayseverworked,andherillnesswasconsideredmedicallyresistant.Intheyearssince,they’d
managedtofindtherightcombinationtohelpalittle,butit’sstillnotenough.Anythingthatdidworkjust
keptherinazombie-likestate.

Iwastheoneconstantinherlife.So,whileitmayhavebeeneasyforsomepeopletosayI

should’veleftherbynow,again,I’dtellthemtowalkadayinmyshoes.

DidIlovethiswoman?Yes.WasIinlovewithher?No.Thatwasn’treasonenoughtoabandon

her,though.Sheneededmyfinancialandmoralsupport.StayinglegallymarriedassuredthatIcouldmake
decisionsonherbehalf.Sheneededtofeelsafe,andIwastheonlypersonwhocouldgivethattoher.So,
asherhusband,Ikeptsomeofmyvows.Othersweren’tsoeasy.

Ihadneeds.
ThesexualrelationshipwithIvyendednotlongafterherdiagnosis.Afewyearsaftershemoved

intothegrouphome,Ibegantoseekoutotherwomenforsex.Itwasalwaysquick,non-committal,never
anystringsattached.I’dalreadyresignedmyselftothefactthatarealrelationshipbasedonlovewouldn’t
bepossibleaslongasIwasstillmarriedtoIvyandcaringforher.Andthatwasn’tgoingtochange.No
womanwouldbeabletohandleit.Ivywouldn’tbeabletohandleit.So,occasionalmeaninglesssexwith
womenwouldhavetobeit.

Mythoughtswereinterruptedwhenthedoorcreakedopen,lettingsomelightin.
“Sorrytodisturbyou.Issheasleep?”AyoungHispanicwomanwithlongblackhairdowntoher

asswalkedintotheroom.Shelookedlikeshecouldhavebeenateenager.

“Yeah,sheis.Doyouneedmetowakeherup?”
“No.That’sfine.Myshiftisalmostover.IcanhaveJericomebackinanhour.Someonejust

needstogivehermeds.”Sheheldoutherhand,andItookit.“I’mMarisol.”

“I’mJake,Ivy’shusband.Itakeityou’renewhere?”
“Yes.Ijuststartedthisweek.I…uh…didn’trealizeIvywasmarried.Isawyourpictureonher

dresser.Ithoughtmaybeyouwereherbrotherorsomething.”Shelookeddownatherfeetasifshe
regrettedhercommentandthenglancedbackupatme.“Notthatshecouldn’thave…Ididn’tmean…”

“Iknowwhatyoumeant.It’sfine.”
Iexpectedhertowalkaway,butshemovedincloser.“Wasshealways…likethis?”Thisgirlwas

makingitobviousthatshewasnew.Itwasn’tthefirsttimethatastafferhiredatthisplaceseemedgreen.
Workinginsocialservices,thefirstruleofthumb:doyourjobanddon’tpryintothepersonallivesof
yourclients.She’dprobablyneverevenworkedwiththementallyillbefore.Itwashardtofindgoodstaff
becausethepaywascrapconsideringtheresponsibilitiestheyhad.IguessIcouldn’tfaultherforher
curiosity,butitseemedalittleinappropriate.

“No.Shewasn’talwaysschizophrenic.Wemetasteenagers.Shewas...”Ihesitatedtousethe

wordnormalandlookedoveratIvy’sredcurls—theoneconstant—sprawledacrossthepillow.“She
wasvibrant,happythen.”

Marisolcontinuedtolookatmeasifshewasexpectingmetocontinue,butIdidn’t.Ijustkept

lookingatIvysleeping.

“So,whendidthingschange?”
“Whenshewasaboutnineteen,aboutsixmonthsafterwegotmarried.Overtheyears,she’sgotten

progressivelyworse.”

“Thismustbereallyhardforyou.”
Ireallydidn’twanttobehavingthisconversationwithastranger.DidthischickreallythinkIwas

goingtogetintothisstuffwithher?Ofcourse,it’sbeenfuckinghardforme!Shecouldn’tbeginto
understandtheroadthatIvyandIhadbeenonoverthepastsixyears.

“Wehaveourdays,”Isimplysaiddismissively.
“Well,she’sluckytohaveyou.”
Ididn’tevenknowhowtorespondtothat,soIdidn’t.
Shecontinuedstandingthere,clearlyunabletoreadmyrigidbodylanguage.Then,Icouldsense

hereyeslingeringonmeandwhenIlookedoverather,shewasstaringatthetattoosonmyarms.She
lookedupatmewithalookIrecognizedalltoowell.“Ihopeyoudon’tmindmyasking.Doyouhavea
girlfriend?”

“Whywouldyouaskmethat?”Isnapped.
“I’msorry…it’sjust…you’reaveryattractivemanandclearlyagoodguy.Ijustfigured…maybe

yougetlonely.I’mgettingoffworkinfifteenminutes.Wouldyouwanttogogetsomethingtoeat?”

Shehadtobefuckingkiddingme.
“No.Ihaveatraintocatch.”
“Atrain?Whereareyougoing?”
Myresponsesweregettingterserbythesecond.“NewYork.”
“Onatrip?”
“No.”
“Wha—”
“Withallduerespect,aren’tyousupposedtobeworking?I’dbewillingtobetcomingontoa

resident’shusbandisnotinyourjobdescription.”

Marisolwalkedoutwithoutfurtherquestioning.Ihadn’tmeanttobethatharsh,butshedeservedit

fortreatingIvylikethat.Sure,Ilivedaseparatelifeoutsideofmymarriageanddealtwiththatguilt.But
thisgirlhadnorighttomakeassumptionsaboutthenatureofthatrelationshipandtodisrespectIvyright
underhernose.Ivyshouldn’thavebeenlookedafterbypeoplethatwouldtakeadvantageofhersoeasily.

Ifeltmyheartclench.
Ivyrustledinhersheetsasshestartedtowakeup.Sheleanedupagainsttheheadboardand

grabbedacigarette.Herchainsmokinghadgottenworseovertheyears.Shegotupandstoodrightunder
theclockonthewall,lookingupatitwithoutacknowledgingme.Shelikedtowatchthehandgoby.

Iwalkedovertoherandkissedhergentlyontheforehead.“Babygirl,Ihavetoleave.Iwasjust

waitingforyoutowakeupsoIcouldsaygoodbye.”

Sheblewsmokeinmyfaceandsaid,“Don’tcomeback,Sam.”
Sometimes,shecalledmeSam.Ihadnoideawhy.
I’llalwayscomeback,Ivy…evenwhenyoudon’tknowwhoIam.
Onmywayout,IdemandedtoseethehousemanagertorequestthatMarisolneverworkwithIvy

again.SinceIcouldn’tbehereduringtheweek,Ineededtobeabletotrustinthepeoplehandlingher
care.

Theblastofcoldairoutsidewasastarkcontrasttothestagnantairinthegrouphome.Ihoppeda

bustotheAmtrakstationandboardedthelasttraintoManhattan.

Duringtheride,guiltsetinbecausewitheverymileclosertomydestination,Ifeltafamiliar

relief,anticipatingthereprievethattheworkweekalwaysbrought.Whenitcamedowntoit,though,I
wastradingoneplaceofemptinessforanother.

***

WhenIapproachedtheentrancetoourbuildingonLincolnStreetinBrooklyn,shewasstaringout

thewindowassheoftendidlateatnight.ItwaslikeRapunzelwaitinginthewings,exceptinsteadoflong
hair,sheworeascarftiedaroundherhead,andinsteadofalovinggaze,shegavemethestinkeye.

IwavedasIalwaysdidtomesswithher.Iknewshewasn’tgoingtowaveback,andIknewwhat

wascoming.

InherstrongJamaicanaccentthathadbecomelikemusictomyears,shesaid,“Gofuckyourself!”
Rightoncue.
Ismiled.“Fuckyoutoo,Mrs.Ballsworthy.”Imeantitinthenicestofways,andthatexchange

withmyneighborwasalwaysoddlycomforting.

Walkingupthestairstomyapartment,Ishookmyheadinlaughterandrepeatedtomyself,“Fuck

you,too.”

Yup.Iwashome.

CHAPTER3

Past

Desireebrushedherassupagainstmeandcurledintomypillow.Shewantedtocuddle.That

meantIneededtogetheroutofmyroomasfastaspossible.

Iimmediatelygotupanddisposedofthecondombeforethrowingsomepantson.Turningonsome

musictodrownouttheguiltinmyhead,Igrabbedacigaretteoutofmynightstandandwalkedovertothe
windowtolightit,blowingthesmokeoutside.Plumesofsmokemixedwithmyvisiblebreathinthecold
air.

Ialwaysfeltlikeshitafterthis,namelyfuckingsomeoneIdidn’tcareabout.
“Jakey,youwanttocomedowntotherestaurantforsomelunch?”
IturnedaroundtoaglimpseofDesiree’sbareassassherolledoffmybed.Whenshebentdown

toputonherthong,myeyescaughtsightofthepurplerosetattooonherankle.

HerfatherownedEleni’s,theGreekrestaurantunderneathourapartment.I’dgoneinthere

countlesstimesoverthepastfewmonths,andDesireealwaysmadesuresheattendedtomysmalltablein
thecorner.Weflirtedheavilyforalongtime,butIresistedmakinganymovesbecauseshegaveoffavibe
thatshewasthetypeofgirlwhowouldwantmorethanIcouldgiveher(oratleastthetypethatwould
pretendshedidn’tandthenchangehertune).

Oneafternoonaboutaweekago,shecamerightoutandtoldmehowattractedtomeshewasand

askedifshecouldcomeupstairswithme.Shewasabeautifulgirlwithlong,darkhairandbigbrown
eyes,andsheseemedsweetenough.Ihadn’tbeenwithanyonesexuallyinawhile,soitwashardtoresist
adirectoffer.

Whenshestartedpracticallyattackingmebeforeweevengottomybedroom,Icamerightoutand

toldherthatIcouldn’tdoanythingwithherifsheexpectedmorefromme.Sheassuredmethatattwenty-
one,shefeltshewastooyoungforarelationshipandjustwantedtohavesomefun.So,Irelented.

Twice.
Thiswasoursecondafternoonrendezvous.
Shecameovertothewindowandwavedahandinfrontofmyface.“EarthtoJake.”
Ilookedatherwithoutsayinganythingandthrewmycigarettebuttout.
“What’sthat?”Iasked,stilllostinmyownhead.
Shewrappedherarmsaroundmytorso,andmybodystiffened.
“Iloveyourbody,Jake.Seriously,it’slikeaworkofart.”
Ididn’trespond,justcontinuedlookingatthetrafficbelow.Itmighthavebeenstrange,butIdidn’t

likeitwhenshe—oranywomanforthatmatter—touchedmeoutsideofsex.

“Didyouwanttocomedownstairsforlunch?Areyoufeelingokay?”
Kindofdeadinside,actually.Thanksforasking.
Whatthehell.Iwashungry.
“Yeah.Sure.Let’sgodownstairs.”Iputonashirtandgrabbedmykeys.
Onthewayout,Inoticedapinkscarfonthefloorinthelivingroomthathadn’tbeenthereonthe

wayin.Itwasn’tDesiree’s,andmyroommateTarahwasatwork.Someoneelsehadbeeninthe
apartment.Then,itdawnedonmethatweweresupposedtobegettinganewroommatetoday,somechick
namedNinafromupstateNewYork.Pickingupthescarf,IthrewitonthecouchandfollowedDesiree

outthedoor.

***

I’dgonebackintoworkfortherestoftheafternoonafterlunch.Theshithitthefanwhenamajor

flawwasdiscoveredinoneofmydesigns.Therestofthedaywasspenttryingtosavemyass.Tomake
mattersworse,IvyhadcalledmeinthemiddleofittocomplainthatIhadn’tgonetoseehertheprevious
weekendwhen,ofcourse,I’dspenttheentiretwodayswithher.Myheadwasspinning.

Onthewayhome,Istoppedatthemarketonthecornerandpickedouttwobunchesofbananas.I

fuckinglovedbananas.Theyweremycomfortfood.Theyhadtobejustrightthough:yellowwitha
greenishtip.Thatmeantthey’dbesweet,creamyandonthefirmerside.Anoldladywasgivingmea
dirtylookwhileImademyselection.Fromherexpression,you’dthinkIwasfondlingmyjunkinsteadof
inspectingthefruit.Idecidedtomesswithher,soItookoneofthebananastomymouth,kisseditand
winkedather.Sheclutchedherpurse,scowledandwalkedaway.Thathadbeenthehighlightofmyday.

WhenIgottotheapartment,Iwasrelievedtofindthatmyroommatesweren’thome.Giventhe

dayI’dhad,talkingtopeoplewasthelastthingIfeltlikedoing.IlivedwithaguynamedRyanandagirl
namedTarah.Ryaninternedforthedistrictattorney’sofficeandTarahwasahairdresserforahigh-end
saloninManhattan.Theywereniceenough,butwedidn’texactlysocializetogether.ThefactthatItook
offforBostoneveryweekenddidn’tmakeitanyeasiertogettoknowthembetter.Iwasprettysurethe
twoofthemwerehookingup,actually.I’dbeupsketchinglateatnightandwouldhearhimleavehis
roomtogointohers,butIneveraskedthemaboutit.IfIdidn’twantpeoplegettingintomybusiness,I’d
stayoutoftheirs.

IarrangedthebananasinthefruithammockI’dboughtawhilebackthenrippedoneoffthebunch

beforeheadingtomyroom.

Needingtoblowoffsteam,Itookoutmysketchpadandstarteddrawingyetanothervariationof

myfatheronhismotorcycle.WheneverIfeltdown,Ilikedtodrawmydad.Itmademefeelclosertohim.
MyfatherdiedinamotorcyclecrashwhenIwasfive.I’dprobablycompletedhundredsofimagesofhim
overtheyears:ridinghismotorcycleintotheclouds,ridingintothesunset.Drawingwasmyoutlet,where
darknessspuncreativity.Itwasbothatherapyandanexpressionofsadnessatthesametime.

Iheardthefrontdoorslamandthenvoicesinthekitchen.ItwasRyanandanothergirlwhowasn’t

Tarah.Fuck.Itmusthavebeenthenewroommate.Aftermydayfromhell,itskippedmymindthatshe
wasmovingintoday.Iwasn’tinthemoodtomeetherbutcouldn’texactlystaylockedinsidemyroomall
night.IfIwentoutsideeventograbadrink,I’dhavetointroducemyself.

Icrackedopenthedoorbutcouldn’tgetalookatherfromwhereshewasstandinginthekitchen.

AllIknewaboutthisgirlwasthatshewasachildhoodfriendofRyan’sandaccordingtohim,shelooked
likeoneoftheOlsentwins.SinceImainlyassociatedtheOlsentwinswiththatshowFullHouse,Isortof
hadthisweirdvisionofanewroommatenamedMichelleTannerwithpuffycheeks,walkingaround
saying,“yougotit,dude.”

Ismokedacigarettetogearmyselfupandwasjustabouttoheadouttothekitchenwhenastory

shewastellingstoppedmeinmytracks.ShegiggledasshereminiscedwithRyanaboutanex-boyfriend
inhighschoolwhousedtowriteherpoemsinsideoforigamibirds.SomeguynamedStuart.

Origamibirds?Howfuckingdumb.
I’msorry,butIjustcouldn’thelpmyself.Iwalkedoutintothekitchenandlaughed.“Thatis…the

STUPIDESTfuckingthingIhaveeverheard.”

Shejumpedalittle,seemingstartledbymysuddenappearance.
Ireachedoutmyhand.“Hi,I’mJake.”
Shewasshort,hadlong,dirtyblondehairandasmallpinned-upnose.Theonlythingaboutthis

girlthatreallyresembledtheOlsentwinsspecificallywerethegiganticblueeyesnowscanningthe
tattooscoveringmyarm.Then,sheglancedupatmeandlookeddownagainquicklywhenmyeyesmet
hersforasecond.Youwould’vethoughtIwasholdingaflashlighttoherface.

WasImakingheruncomfortable?
“YoumustbeNeenee,”Ijoked.
IknewhernamewasNina.
“It’sNina,actually.”Asshetookmyhand,shefinallylookedstraightintomyeyes.
“Iknowyourname.I’mjustfuckingwithyou.”Ismiled.
“Nicetomeetyou,Jake.”
Herhandtrembledinmine.Iwasdefinitelymakinghernervous.Ijustcouldn’tfigureoutwhy.
Idecidedtobreaktheice.“So,whoisStuart,whyishemakingyouorigamibirdpoems,andwho

cutoffhisballs?”

Shelaughed.Atleastshehadasenseofhumor.Andaprettysmile.
Areallyfuckingprettysmile.
“Stuartwasmyboyfriendfreshmanyearofhighschool.Ryandecidedtobringhimupnowforno

goodreason.”

“WhatbringsyoutoBrooklyn?”
“IstartnursingschoolonMonday.LongIslandUniversity.”
“Isn’tthatinLongIsland?”
Iknewwhereitwas.
“No,there’saBrooklyncampus.It’sactuallynotfarfromtheapartment.”
“Withyourfearofsubways,that’sagoodthing,”Ryansaid.
Wait.What?
“What’sthis,now?”Iasked.
“Thanks,alot,Ryan,”Ninasaid.Herfacewasturningredderbythesecond.
Heapologizedtoher,andshetriedtochangethesubject,butyoucouldtellshewasstill

embarrassed.

IinterruptedherbecauseIneededtoknow.“Areyouseriouslyafraidofthesubwayor

something?”

“She’safraidofeverything,”Ryansaid.“Planes,elevators,heights…”
Ninalookedoveratme,andwhethersherealizeditornot,thefearinhereyeswasapparent.
“Ijustgetalittlenervousincrowded,containedplaces.That’sall.”Shesmiled,tryingtobrushit

off.

Inoddedinunderstanding.“It’slikeaphobia.So,placesthatmakeyoufeeltrapped?”
“Yeah,basically.”
Igotthefeelingtherewasmoretothis.Shemighthavebeentryingtodownplayit,buthereyes

betrayedher,exhibitingadarkhonestythatcontradictedeverythingelse.Somethingaboutthewayshe
lookedatmereflectedhowIfeltinside,too.Icouldn’texplainit,butIexperiencedaconnectionwiththis
girlrightthen.Itwaslikeforamoment,shesawthroughmyfaçadeinthesamewayIcouldseebeneath
thefakesmileshegavemewhendefendingherphobias.Therewasalotmoretothis,alotmoretoher
story.Andshecouldn’tbegintoknowthehalfofmine.

“Hmn,”Isaid.
Sheclearedherthroat.“So,wheredoyouwork?”
Shewastryingtochangethesubject.Idecidedtohavealittlefunwithher.
“I’manelectricalengineerforacompanyinthecity.Wedesignstadiumlighting.Andatnight,I

dance…atamalestripclub.”

Theskinonherfacepinkedupbeforemyeyes.Bingo.

“Seriously?”
“Yup.”IturnedtoRyan.“Youdidn’ttellhershewaslivingwithMagicFuckin’Mike?”
Shejuststoodtherespeechless.ShehadthisinnocenceaboutherthatIwasn’tusedtoseeingin

girlsherage.TheeffectIseemedtohaveonherwasexhilarating,though.Whenherfaceeventually
turnedfrompinktored,Idecidedtoputheroutofhermisery.

“I’mjustfuckingwithyouagain.”
“You’renotastripper?”
“Ilikeyou.You’reaneasytarget.It’sgonnabefuntohaveyouaround.”
Iwalkedovertogrababananaandfeltherwatchingme.Ibitofftheentirefirsthalfinan

exaggeratedway.AsmuchasIlovedthem,Ididn’tnormallyeatthemlikeanorangutanwhilecrossingmy
eyeballs.Iwasdoingittogetareactionoutofherandenjoyedthesuddenlyamusedlookonherface.Her
eyes,whichweresofearfulandsullenmomentsago,nowseemedtobegenuinelysmilingbackatme.

“Iforgottomention,that’sJake’sbushelofbananasoverthere,”Ryansaid.“Wethinkheispart

human,partmonkey.”

“Youlikebananas,huh?”sheasked.
“Damnstraight,Ido,”Isaid.“Ifuckin’love‘em.Mmm.”Stuffingmyface,Iinhaledthelasthalf

inonebigbite.

NinastartedlaughingasshelookedatmelikeIwascrazy.Ismiledbackwithmymouthchockfull

andstartedtocrackup.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeItrulylaughed.

Whenthelaughterfaded,hereyeslingeredonmine,andIfeltthatstrangeunspokenconnection

againthatIdidn’tquiteunderstand.AllIknewwasthatmakingherlaughwasaddicting,andIwasn’tin
sucharushtogobacktomyroomanymore.

Igrinnedandreachedforanotherbanana,mymouthstilldisgustinglyfull.Ibarelygotthewords

out,“Wantone?”

“Huh?”
“Wantone?”Irepeated.
“No,thanks.I’mgood.”
“ItoldyouJakewasinteresting,”Ryansaid.
Wait.Whatthefuckwashesayingaboutmetoher?
WhydidIgiveashit?
Thefrontdooropened,andNina’sattentionwasabruptlytakenawayfrommewhenRyan

introducedhertoourotherroommate,Tarah.Ninaandshestartedtalkingaboutgirlyshit,soIdecidedto
headbacktomyroom.

ItriedtogetmyheadbackintothedrawingI’dbeenworkingon,butinbetweenstrokesofthe

kohlpencil,mymindkeptdriftingbacktomynewroommate.

HowthehellwasshegoingtoliveinNewYorkCityifshehadafearofsubways?
I’ddrawalittlemore,andthenNinawouldpopintomyheadagain.
Whatthefuckwasanorigamibirdanyway?
Iputmysketchbookdown,openedupmylaptopandtypedintoGoogle:origamibirds.
IchuckledwhenIsawwhattheylookedlike.Then,thenuttiestideaI’dprobablyeverhadinmy

lifepoppedintomyhead.Iwalkedovertomydeskdrawer,searchingforconstructionpaper,
rememberingI’dboughtsometomakesomethingformyniecesonce.Theonlycolorsleftwereyellow
andblack.Igrabbedafewpiecesofblackandsomescissorsandwentbackovertomylaptoponthebed
thentyped:origamibat.

Icutasquareandfoldeditintovarioustrianglesaccordingtothedirections.Ittookafewtries,

butIfinallygotonethatlookedhalfwaydecent.

Now,whatthefucktodowithitwasthequestion.Iwantedtogiveittoherasajoke,butwhat

wouldIwriteinit?Icouldn’twriteapoemtosavemylife.

Whatcouldyouwritetosomeoneyoudidn’tknow?AllIknewwasthatshehadphobiasanda

prettysmile.Iknewshewasstartingnursingschool.

Iknewshemademefeelsomething.
Then,IthoughtabouttheOlsentwins.Ididn’treallythinkshelookedlikethem,butIcouldmess

withherabouttheFullHousething.AccordingtoRyan,he’dteasedheraboutitallthetimegrowingup,
soshe’dgetthejoke.

Igrabbedasilvergelinkpen.
Whatthefuckweretheirnamesagain?Itypedintomylaptop:Olsentwins.
Mary-KateandAshley.
Okay.
Isattherestaringatthepaperbatinmyhandandcouldn’thelpbutlaughatmyself.Itwasofficial:

Ihadlostmydamnmindoveragirl.

Scribblingonanotepad,Ijotteddowndifferentphrasesandfinallycameupwithamessage.

WelcometotheHouse,MaryKate!
---YourStripperRoommate

Thatwaskindofdumb.
MaybeIwouldkeepitsimple.Iopenedtheflaptooneofthebatwingsandwrote,Welcometo

the“House”inside.

Mydoorwasopenedacrack,andIsawherwalkdownthehalltothebathroom,andsoonafter,

theshowerturnedon.Itwastheperfecttimetosneakthebatintoherroom.Istartedtosecondguessthe
genericmessage.ItwouldseemtooseriousifIdidn’twritesomethingfunny.So,Igrabbedthepenand
addedsomethingontotheotherwingthenexaminedthefinalnote.

Welcometothe“House”.---Jake
How’sUncleJesse?

Herroomsmelledlikevanilla.Thewallswerebareandasidefromthepinksuitcaseinthe

corner,itwasrelativelyempty.Apictureofherandsomeguysatatopthedresserandmademewonderif
itwasherboyfriend.

Iplacedtheorigamibatonhernightstandandquietlyslippedoutoftheroom.
AnoldNirvanasongplayedonmyiPod.MydoorwasintentionallyleftopenwhileIlayonmy

bed.Aglimpseofherwethaircaughtmyeyeasshehurriedbacktoherroom,andasmilespreadacross
myfaceatthethoughtofherfindingthebat.Itdawnedonmeforthesecondtime,thatupuntiltoday,I
hadn’tgenuinelysmiledorlaughedinages.Atthesametime,IknewIwasplayingalosinggamein
seekingattentionfromsomeonewhowouldn’tevenknowwhoIreallywas.

Idecidedtotakeashowertotrytogetmymindoffher.OnceIenteredthebathroom,itbecame

apparentthatforgettingaboutNinawasn’tgoingtobepossible.Theleftoversteamfromhershowerfilled
theroom.AsIranthehotwaterandtriedtorelax,Ninawaseverywhere.Astrandofherblondehair
stucktothetilewall.Thesmellofhercoconutlimeshampoosaturatedtheair.

Then,afterIsteppedoutofthetub,apairofflowerypantieslyingonthefloorcaughtmyeye.
Fuck.
Iwasn’tsurewhethertoleavethemthereorpickthemup.AthoughtcrossedmymindthatIdidn’t

wantRyantofindthem.Ididn’tknowwherethiswascomingfrom.AllIknewwasthatthethoughtofhim
touchingherunderwearirkedme.

Reallyirkedme.
So,Ipickedthemupandtookthemtomyroom.
Throwingonsomeblacksweatpants,Idecidedtobringhertheunderwear.Iknockedonthedoor,

andwhensheopened,thelookonherfaceprovedshewasn’texactlyexpectingme.

Hereyestrailedthelengthofmybarechest,andmyabstightenedinresponse.Sheglanceddown

forafewsecondsatmystomach,whichwasparticularlyrippedsinceIstartedworkingoutayearagoon
mylunchbreaksattheofficegym.Thewayherlipspartedprovedallofmyhardworkwasworthit.

Shefinallylookedupatme.“Ha…hi…what’sup?”
Atighttanktopclungtoherenormousbreasts,hernipplesprotrudingthroughthefabric.
Fuck.Me.
Wearingthat,shewasdefinitelynotexpectingmetoknockonherdoor,andIwasdefinitelynot

expectingtoforgethowtobreathe.Icouldn’tevenrememberwhyI’dcometoherroom.

Oh,yeah.
Ireachedintomypocket.“Ifoundtheseonthebathroomfloor…thoughtyoumightwantthem.”
Shetookthemfromme,lookingadorablyembarrassed.Glancingovertothecorneroftheroom,I

noticedthebatstillsittinginthesamespotonthenightstandandassumedshehadn’tseenityet.

Asifsuddenlyrealizingthatmyeyesweremakingplansforthefuturewithherbeautifultits,she

crossedherarmsoverherchest.

Damn.
“Thanks,”shesaid.
HerfacereturnedtothesameshadeofpinkIrecognizedfromearlier.Ismiledinanattemptto

downplaythenowobvioustensionbetweenus.WhenIfeltmydicktwitch,thatwasmycuetostepback
intothehallwayandreturntomyroom.God,Ineededtostayawayfromthisgirl,orIwasgonnabeinbig
trouble.

Thatnight,Itossedandturnedasonethoughtranthroughmyheadlikeabrokenrecord.
Youcanneverhaveher.

CHAPTER4

Present

“So,Itakeityoudidn’tactuallysticktoyourvowtostayawayfromher,”Mitchjoked.
“Ugh…no.”
IlookeddownatmyphonewhenatextfromNinacamein.

I’mfine.ButIneedmoretimealone.

“IsthatNina?”
“Yeah.Ipromisednottotextherbutcouldn’thelpit.Ineededtoknowshewasokay.Shesays

she’sfinebutthatsheneedsmoretime.”

“Timeforwhatexactly?”
Ishookmyheadandgazedoutthewindow.Lightsnowwasbeginningtofalloutside.“Timeto

think,Iguess…timeawayfromme.”

Skylarreenteredtheroomholdingamug.She’dgonetothekitchentoputonsometeaandtocall

andcheckontheirtwoolderkids,HenryandLara,whowerestayingwithMitch’smombackinNew
Jersey.HenrywasMitch’sson,andLarawasadopted.So,MitchJr.wastheirfirstbiologicalchild
together.HisbirthwasareallybigdealbecauseSkylarwastoldshemightnoteverbeabletohave
childrenaftercancertreatmentsforlymphomainherteens.Thankfully,shewasinremissionnow.

“WhatdidImiss?”sheasked.
“Ninajusttexted.She’sfinebutsayssheneedsmoretimetobealone.”
“Doyouwantmetocallher?”
“No.Iknowmywife.ThatwouldannoyherevenmoreifshethoughtIgotyouinvolved.She

doesn’tevenknowyou’rehere,remember?”

“Okay.Letmeknowifyouchangeyourmind.”
“Shejustneedstoblowoffsteam.It’llbeokay.She’llcomebacktonight.”
ThatwaswhatIkepttellingmyselfatleast.Truthfully,herwalkingoutscaredmeshitless.Itmade

meafraidthatevenafterallthistime,Ninahadfinallyfiguredoutthatshecouldhavedonebetterandthat
shedeservedbetter.

Sportingfuzzysocks,SkylarkickedherfeetuponMitch’slegs.“So,weneedtogetbacktothis

story.”

“Yeah,Jake,”Mitchsaid.“Whathappenedaftershemovedin?”
“Oh,thisisthebestpart.”Skylarlaughed.“Thiswaswherethequoteendquotetutoringstarted.”
“Hey,Itookitveryseriously.”Ismirked.“Iwantedtohelpherpassmath.”
“YouwantedtohelpyourselftoherPootang.”
Skylaralwaysmademelaugh.
Ichuckled.“Maybe.Butatthetime,IneverthoughtI’dhavearealchanceatthat.Iwasreally

tryinglikehelltokeepitplatonicjustsoIcouldbearoundher.”

SkylarturnedtoMitch.“TheycameupwiththisbetthatifshegotbelowanAonhermathexams,

shewouldhavetoletJaketakeherouttofaceoneofherirrationalfears.”

MitchnoddedasherubbedSkylar’sfeet.“Sothatbroughtyoucloser.”

“Youcouldsaythat.”

CHAPTER5

Past

Holyshit.Itwasshowtime.
NinahadgottenaC+onherfirstexam.ThatwasactuallywaybetterthanIthoughtshe’ddogiven

ourtediousfirststudysession.

Afewdaysaftershemovedin,wesharedabeerinthekitchen.I’dbeenhomeforlunchwhenshe

walkedinafterherfirstdayofclasses.(Alright,soIcamehomeinthehopesthatI’drunintoher.)I’d
beengoneallweekendtoBostonandhadn’tbeenabletostopthinkingabouther.Eventhoughshewas
stillactingshyaroundme,shewasreallyeasytotalkto,andIenjoyedhercompany.

Wegottochattingabouthertroublesinmath,asubjectsheneededtopassaspartofhernursing

curriculum.Mathwassoeasyforme,soIofferedtotutorher.Then,thebrilliantideaofabetpoppedinto
myhead.She’dhavetogetanAoneveryexamorfaceoneofherphobias.Fear,afterall,isamaster
motivator.Ifshedidn’tacceptthebet,ItoldherI’drenegemyoffer.Itwasawin-winsituation:eithershe
excelledinmathorstartedovercomingthingsthatwerepreventingherfromfullyexperiencinglife.

Sinceshefearedseveralthings—heights,subways,planes,enclosedspaces,crowds—ittookme

awhiletofigureoutwheretostart.Butbythetimethegradecamein,Iwasready.

That’showIendedupinthegranolaaisleofTraderJoe’s.
Iwantedtoaskthesalesclerkwhatsherecommended,butwhatexactlywouldIsay?Excuseme.

Iwaswonderingifyoucouldrecommendsomelightfarethatmightcomplimenttrappingsomeonein
anelevatorandtorturingthem?

Isecond-guessedmychoicesasIstoodinthecheckoutline,butitwastoolatetogobacksinceI

wasalreadyrunninglate.

Primeexample:hummus.Nothinglikegarlicbreathinasmall,enclosedspace.
Genius,Jake.
Unsureofhowshewasgoingtoreacttomyplan,myheartwaspumpingtheentirewayhome.It

wasreallymoreoutofexcitement,becauseitwouldbethefirsttimewe’dhungouttogetheroutsideofthe
apartment.

***

Okay,apparently,IhadnocluewhatIwasreallygettingmyselfinto.
Ninawouldn’tevenlookatmeaswewalkedsidebysidedownLincolnStreet.Shewasreally

freakingoutaboutthis,andIneededtoassureherthateverythingwouldbeokay.Istoppedsuddenly
whileshekeptwalkingaheadofmeoblivious.WhenshenoticedIwasnolongerbesideher,sheturned
around.

“Whydidyoustop?”sheasked.
Iwalkedtowardherandplacedmyhandsfirmlyonhershoulders,causinghertowince.Iwasn’t

sureifitwasbecauseshewasnervousorbecauseitwasthefirsttimeI’devertouchedheroutsideofour
initialhandshake.ItwascolderoutthanIanticipated,andneitherofuswerewearingjackets.Thewind
blewtheblondestrandsofherhairaroundwildly.Shehadsomebeautifulhair.

Irubbedmyhandsfirmlyalonghershoulderstowarmher.Theneedtocomfortherwasenormous,

butI’drecentlystudieduponcognitivebehavioralandexposuretherapyandknewitwasnecessarytobe
firmtodaysothatshewouldn’tbackout.“Nina,Icantellyou’regoingthroughalltheselittlescenariosin
yourheadrightnow.It’snothelping.Theonlythingthatiseverhappeningtoyouiswhatishappeningin
themoment,notallofthedisastrouspossibilitiesinyourmind.So,cuttheshit,okay?I’mnotgoingtolet
anythinghappentoyou.”

WhenwearrivedattheDeKalbAvenuesubwaystation,ittooksomeproddingtogetherto

descendthestairs.Istooddownafewstepsintothedarkstairwelllookingupatherasshestayedonthe
sidewalk.Thefearinhereyeswaspalpable.Myheartbegantobeatfaster,andIwasn’tsureifitwas
becauseIwasnervousforherorbecauseofhowheart-stoppinglyprettyshewasasshelookeddownat
mewiththesunlightinherhair.

Liftingmyhandtowardher,Iwilledhertocometome.“Nina,comeon.I’vegotyou.”
Icontinuedtosilentlyurgeherforwardwithmyeyes.
I’vegotyou.
Whensheslowlymovedtowardme,thesecondshewascloseenoughtotouch,Itookherhand

andwrappedherfingersinsidemine.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeholdingsomeone’shandtriggered
thatkindofreactioninme,asensationIcouldfeelfrommyheadtomyfeetandeverywhereinbetween.

MyhandsqueezedherstightlyasIledherdownthestairs.EventhoughIdidn’twantto,Ihadto

lethergoinordertopaythefare.

Thefaintsmellofurinelingeredintheairaswesatdownonabenchtowaitontheplatform.The

soundsofamanplayingthesaxophoneechoedthroughthestation.Whentheapproachingtrainscreeched
toahalt,Igrabbedherhandagainandledherintothecrowdedcar.

Itwasthemiddleoftheeveningcommute,sotherewerenoseats.Herbodystartedtoshakeas

soonasthetraindoorsslidclosed.Iwantedtoholdher,butthatprobablywasn’tthebestideafor
multiplereasons.Ihadtoconstantlyremindmyselfoftheboundariesthatneededtobesetformyown
good.Instead,Isimplyrestedmyhandsonhershoulderstokeepherbalanced.

“It’sokaytofeelnervous,Nina.You’renotsupposedtobecomfortable.Stoptryingtofightitand

justletthosefeelingsbethere.”

Asthetrainswayed,Ikeptmyeyesfixedonherfacetomakesureshewasn’tgoingto

hyperventilateoranything.Shewouldn’tlookatme.Hercheekswereflushed,andherbodycontinuedto
trembleinfear.IcouldonlytakesomuchbeforeIplacedmyhandonherchinandforcedhereyeson
mine.“Howareyoudoing?”

“Fine.Ijustwantthistobeover.”
Mystomachsank.Shehadnocluewhatwasinstoreforhernext.Ifeltbadbutremindedmyselfit

wasallforherowngood.

“Ourstopisnext.”Ismiled,andforthefirsttimesincesteppingonthetrain,shereturnedit.
“EighthAvenue,”theannouncershoutedovertheloudspeaker.
Sheseemedtocalmdownalittleafterthat.Whenthetrainstoppedabruptly,mybodyaccidentally

pushedintohers,andIcouldfeelhersoftbreastsagainstthehardnessofmychest.Anunintentionalmoan
escapedfromundermybreath.Shelookedupatme,andIsmileddownather.

LeadingNinaoutofthetrain,Ijoked,“You’restillwithus.Wasthatsobad?”
“ItwasaboutwhatIexpected,butI’mgladit’sover.Canwetakeacabhomenow?”
Crap.Shereallydidthinkthatwasit;shewasgoingtofriggin’hatemyguts.

***

Ifitwereanythingbutacrowdedcity,wewouldhaveattractedalotofattention.Ninalookedlike

I’dtakenherhostageasshereluctantlyletmeleadherthroughthesidewalksofNewYorktoanunknown

destination.Picturethis:Atall,tattedandpierceddudedraggingaroundalittleinnocentlookingthing
whowaspracticallyshakinginherboots.ItmusthavebeenlikewatchingMarilynMansonandLaura
Ingallsheadingtowardyoudownthestreet.

AfterwalkinginsilenceforseveralblocksthroughManhattan,we’darrivedatourdestination,a

high-riseapartmentbuildingthatmyfriendVinnyfromworkmanagedpart-time.He’dsetitupsothatwe
couldhavefulluseofoneoftheelevatorsforaslongasnecessary.

AfterIintroducedNinatoVinny,sheprobablyfiguredIwastakingheronanelevatorride.What

shedidn’tknowwasthatitwouldbesomuchmorethanthat.

ThesecondIpushedtheupbutton,herpanicsetin.“Jake,listen,Idon’tknowifRyaneversaid

anything,butthiswholething…allofmyproblems…theystartedinanelevator.Itwaswheremyfirst
panicattackhappened.Iwasinhighschoolandgotstuckinoneand—”

“Allthemorereasontogetpastthat.Ifyougetinonerightnow,youcanhelpundothedamage

createdbyyourownmind.”

Shegrabbedmebythearm.“Please…I’lldoanythingelsebutthis.”Thefearinhereyeswaslike

nothingI’deverseenbefore.

Shelookedlikeshewasabouttocry.Shit.Ihadreallypickedadoozyofaninauguralexercise.
Thebelldinged,signalingthattheelevatorhadarrivedtothegroundlevel.Thedoorsopened,and

Istuckmyarminsidetopreventthemfromclosing.

Thefirstteardropfelldownhercheek.
“Fuck.Nina,don’tcry.Comeon,Ipromiseyouthatnothingwillhappentoyouinthere.”
Itwasamazinghowanirrationalfearcouldtakeholdofsomeone’scommonsense.Sheneededto

overcomethis,andI’dbedamnedifIletherchickenout.ButIcouldn’tforcehertodoanything.
Ultimately,shehadtobetheonetomakethedecisiontostepinside.

TheblackbackpackI’dbroughtwithreinforcementswasweighingmedown,soIplaceditonthe

ground,figuringIwouldneedallmystrengthincaseshespazzedoutonme.Isteppedinsideandreached
myhandouttoher.

Afterseveralminutes,shefinallytookitandletmepullherin.
Yes.
Hervoicewasshaky.“Leavethedooropen.”
“Okay.Wecantakethisslow.”
Icontinuedtoholdthedooropenbutknewshewasnevergoingtotellmetocloseit.“Youtellme

whenyouarereadytotakearide.”

“Iwon’teverbeready.Don’tyouunderstand?Iwon’teverbereadyforthatdoortoclose.”
“Then,youneedtoletmedecidewhen,okay?Youtrustme,Nina?”
Shesqueezedmyhandtighter.Forapetitegirl,shesureashellhadalotofstrengthwhenshewas

clingingonfordearlife.

Then,somethingamazinghappened.Shelookedmeintheeyes,andthereseemedtobeashiftin

herexpression.Iknewitwastheexactmomentshedecidedtoputallofhertrustinme.Forthesecond
timesinceouradventurebegan,Ihadtosquelchtheurgetopullherintomychest.

“Iprobablyshouldn’ttrustyou,Jake,butthetruthis,Ido.I’mjustscared.”
IfitwasthelastthingIdid,Iwantedtoeradicateeverylastbitofthefearthatlivedinsideofthis

girl.IwantedhertobehappyandwantedtobetheonetomakethathappenevenifIcouldn’tunderstand
wherethatneedwascomingfrom.

“Nina,I’mgoingtoletthedoorsclosenow,okay?”
Shenodded.
Goodgirl.
Ireleasedthebutton,butwhenthedoorsclosed,Ninastartedshaking.Ikeptwiththeplanand

pressedthebuttonforthehighestfloor.Shecaughtmeoffguardwhenshegrabbedaholdofme,wrapping
herarmsaroundmywaistandplacinghercheekonmychest.Everymuscleinmybodytightenedtoresist
thefeelingsthatwererocketingthroughme.Myheartthunderedagainsthercheek.Ilookeddowntofind
thathereyeswereclosed.Hernailsdugintomysides,andIsilentlywilledhertodoitharder.Iwanted
herpain.Iwantedanythingshecouldgivemeinthatmomentandrelishedhertouchevenifitwasn’t
meanttobeenjoyed.Ibreathedinthecleanscentofherhairtocalmmysensoryoverload.Shelikelyhad
nocluethatmyownbodywasinfluxforanentirelydifferentreasonthanherown.

MymouthlightlytouchedherearwhenIsaid,“You’redoinggood.”Ilookedupatthedigital

numbers.“Look.We’reonfiftynow.”

Sherefusedtomoveherfacewhichwasstillburiedinmychest.“Don’ttellme!Idon’twantto

knowhowhighweare.”

AsmuchasIneverwantedtolethergo,we’dreachedthetopfloor.Ireluctantlybackedaway

fromher,mybodyinstantlycravingthereturnofherwarmbreastsagainstmychest.“Youwanttowalk
arounduphereforabitordoyouwannagorightbackdown?”

“Gobackdown.Please.”
“Yougotit.”
Yougotit,dude.
Shegrabbedaholdofmyshirtagainasthecardescended.WhileIwastemptedtobringher

closerintome,itwasbetterthatIdidn’tbecauseinseconds,Iwasabouttobecomethemosthatedmanin
heruniverse.

Nina,Ipromise.It’sforyourowngood.
Itookadeepbreathandpressedtheredbutton.
Theelevatorcametoagrindinghalt,andNinascreamedlikeabanshee.
“Jake!Jake?We’restuck!What’shappening?What’shappening?”
Withonehandonthestopbutton,Ikeptmycoolandheldmyindexfingertomymouth.“Shh.”
Thelookonherfacetransformedfromfrighttoragebeforemyeyes.“Pleasetellme…you…did

notjuststopthiselevator?”

“Calmdown,Nina.Calmdow—”
Ow.Fuck!
She’dusedallofherstrengthtosmackmeinthechest.
“Thefuck,Nina.Stop!”
Igrabbedherhandsandlockedthemintomine,andmyglareburnedintohers.Shecouldn’tmove

frommygrasp.Asmuchasherwhackinthechesthurt,shewasnowrealizinghowstrongIwasandthat
shewouldn’tbeabletocompete.

“Youtoldmeyouwouldn’tforcemetodoanythingIwasn’tcomfortablewith.Iambeggingyou…

movethiselevator…now!”

Ifanyresidentsheardhersaythat,they’dcallthepolice.
Holdingherhandstighter,Isaid,“Nina,calmdown.It’sokay.Don’tyouseeyouhavetostickthis

out?Youhavetopassthroughthemomentofpanic.Ifyoucangetpastthatandseethatnothinghappens,
youcandoanything.”

I’ddonealotofresearchinthelastseveraldaysonpanicattacks.Therewasalwaysapeak

wherethesymptomsgottotheirmostunbearable,butifthepersonstuckwiththesituationratherthan
running,thingswouldeventuallycalmdownoncetheyrealizedtheyweren’treallyintruedanger.Most
peopleranbeforetheygottothatpoint.Thecureliedinstickingitoutuntiltheend.

Wecontinuedtoarguebackandforthuntilshestartedtohyperventilate.Iwantedhertoknowthat

thechoicewasstillhers.Imovedincloserandplacedmyhandsonherface.“Lookatme.”Iranmy
tongueringacrossmybottomlip.Ascrazyasshewasacting,Iachedtotastehermouth.Iwisheditwere

possibletokissthefearrightoutofher.Instead,Isimplysaid,“Ifyoumakemepushthatbutton,thedeal’s
off.”

“Fine…deal’soff…doit.Now.”
Well,thatbackfired.
Irepositionedmyselfinfrontofthepanelofbuttonstoblockitanddecidedtofirmupmystance.I

crossedmyarms.“No.”

“Jake…pushthebutton.”
“No.You’dbebackatsquareone.Youhavetogetoverthis,andtheonlywayistoexperienceit.

I’mnotlettingyougiveupthateasily.”

Shescreamedoutinfrustrationandpunchedthebackwall.
“Fuckme!Ican’tbelievethis,”shesaid.
Believeme,I’dgiveanythingtoknowwhatitfeltliketofuckyou,Nina.
Ijoked,“Well,that’sonewaywecouldpassthetime,butIdon’tmakeahabitofdoingthatwith

womeninthemidstofahyperventilationepisode.It’stooconfusing…hardtotellwhat’sactuallycausing
theheavybreathing.”

“Veryfunny.”
ItoldherIwaskiddingjustincaseshedidn’tgetmysenseofhumor.Sheendedupcrawling

downontothefloorinafetalpositionnext,andthatwaswhenIknewitwastimetoimplementphase
two.

Herheadwasinbetweenherknees,soshedidn’tseemeopenthebackpack.IfiguredI’dstartthis

partyoffwithabang.IreachedintothebagandpulledoutthebottleofchampagneI’dbroughtand
preparedtoopenit.

Heregoesnothing.
Whenthecorkflewintotheair,itletoutaloudpop.Foamshotoutandlandedallovermyplaid

shirt.Icouldn’thelpbutcrackupwhenIsawthelookonNina’sface.

“Jake!Whatthehell?WhatTHEhell?”
Iliftedthebottle.“We’recelebrating!”
“Youaresick!”
“Wearecelebratingyoursurvival,Nina!It’sbeentwelveminutesandthirty-threesecondssince

thiselevatorstopped,andyou’restillalive.”

ItookouttwochampagneflutesandapicnicblanketI’dbrought,nearlyhittingherinthefaceasI

fluffeditoutandspreaditontheelevatorfloor.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Whatdoesitlooklikewe’redoing?We’rehavingapicnic.”
ItookouttherestofthedelicaciesI’dboughtfromTraderJoe’sandplacedthemontheblanket

alongwithmyiPod.

“Youarenotserious!”
“Deadserious.Weneedtochangeyournegativeconnotationofelevators.Thelasttimeyouwere

inthissituation,youassociateditwithdarknessandmisery.Now,thenexttimeyougetstuckinone,
you’llthinkoftheamazeballspicnicwe’regonnahave.”

Ipouredthechampagneandhandedherone.Sherefusedtotakeit.
“You’rebeingajackass.”
“Youcantakeit,orIcandrinkitall.Then,you’lljustbestuckinthiselevatorwithadrunk

jackass.”

IpretendedtoenjoythefoodalittletoomuchwhileshelookedatmeasifIwerecertifiable.

TherewasnorhymeorreasontotheassortmentI’dselected:Wasabipeas,chocolate-coveredcherries,
sesamecrackers,children’sanimalcrackers,hummus.I’dbeenjusttryingtogetthehelloutofthegrocery

store,butnow,inlookingattherandomstuffI’dpicked,itwasalmostcomical.

Afterseveralminutes,tomysurprise,shestartedtosamplesomeofthefoodandhaddownedher

firstglassofchampagne.

Cutelittlelush.
Myplantotakehermindoffhersymptomswasworking.So,nowitwastimetoimplementphase

three.

ItookmyiPod,connectedittoaspeakerandscrolleddowntoaveryspecialplaylistI’dspent

mostofthepreviousnightputtingtogether.

ThefirstsongwasFreeFallin’byTomPetty.Youshould’veseenthelookonherfacewhenshe

realizedwhatIwasupto.Then,atinymiraclehappened.Forthefirsttimesincethisexcursionbegan,
Ninatrulylaughed,andIfollowedsuit,sorelievedtohearthatbeautifulsoundcomingfromhermouth.

“NinaKennedy.IsthatalaughIhear?Areyouseriouslymakinglightofthisdangerousandlife-

threateningsituationwearein?Shameonyou!”

Then,shethrewacherryatme.
Fuckyeah.
ThiswasexactlythereactionIwashopingfor.Shewassocaughtupintheridiculousnessofthis

situation,she’dforgottentoobsessaboutheranxiety,anditwasnolongerbuildingup.

“Jake,youarenuts,youknowthat?”
“Oh!Speakingofnuts…”IreachedintothebottomofmybackpackforsomethingI’dforgottento

putout.“Youneedtosamplemynuts,Nina.Trythese.”

I’dfullyintendedtoembarrassher,andithadworked.God,itwassoeasy.“Whyareyou

blushing?”Iasked.

“Idon’twanttotasteyournuts,thanks.”Shesmiled.
Shewasplayingalong.Whatarush.NowthatIknewsheappreciatedsexualinnuendos,I’dhave

tomakeanotetothrowsomemoreather.Itwouldbeworthitjusttoseehercheekslightupintothat
beautifulshadeofpink.Ihadtoshakemydirtymindfromwonderingwhatotherbeautifulshadesofpink
hidbeneathherclothes.

Ihandedherthecontainerofchocolate-coverednuts,andwecontinuedtojustenjoythemusic

together.

“So,Nina,what’sbeenyourfavoritepartabouttodaysofar?”
“Hmm…let’ssee.Therewerelots,”shesaidfacetiously.“ButIthinknumberonegoesto…

pissingmypantsalittlewhenyoupoppedthecork,causingmetoactuallybelieveforamomentthatthe
elevatorhadexplodedintoaballoffire.Thanksforthat.”

“That’swhatI’mherefor,Kodakmomentslikethat.”
“Iappreciateit.”
“Nina?”
“Yeah?”
“Nexttime,I’llpacksomespareunderwearinthebackpackforyou.”
Justlikethat,anotherchocolate-coveredBingcherryflewatmyface.
Iwasfeelingalittlebuzzed,anditmademewanttoflirtwithher.“You’reluckyyou’recutewhen

you’relosingoxygen.”

Shedidn’trespond.
Then,shestartedtolaughwhenStuckintheMiddlewithYoubyStealer’sWheelcameon.
“Youlikethat,huh?”Iasked.
“You’recrazy…butyouknowwhat?I’mnotpanickinganymore,sothereissomethingtothis.”
Iwinkedather.“Goodgirl.”IrealizedI’dsaiditinanovertlysexualwaythatmadeherblush

again.

Westoppedtalkingforabitandjustlayinsilenceasthemusicplayed.Ninaclosedhereyes,and

Idecidedtodothesame.Ithitmehowexhaustingthedayhadbeen.Ihadnocluewhattimeitevenwas
althoughitdidn’tmatter,becausethiswasexactlywhereIwantedtobe.Iwasinnorushtogobackto
reality.

Myeyesopenedatonepoint,andherswerestillclosed.Thistime,itwasn’toutoffear.She

lookedalmostpeaceful,andIgavemyselfamentalpatontheback.ItwasthefirsttimeIcouldreally
stareatherwithoutherknowing.NinawasmorenaturallybeautifulthanthehandfulofwomenI’dbeen
withinrecentyears.Withsmooth,milkyskin,shedidn’tneedanounceofmakeup.Ihadtheurgetoreach
overandtuckapieceofherhairbehindherear.

Ishutmyeyes,andthistimewhenIopenedthem,Icaughtherstaringatme.Shelookedaway

immediately.Iclosedmyeyesagainandopenedthemeversoslightly,justenoughtoseeherbutmakeher
thinkIcouldn’tandobservedherlookingoveratmetheentiretime.

Whatshereallythoughtofmewasamystery.Ifeltlikeshewasphysicallyattractedtome,butI

wonderedifIscaredheralittle.

Isnappedmyeyesopensuddenly.Asanticipated,shewhippedherheadawayfromme.
Idecidedtomesswithher.“Haveyouhadyourfill?”
“Excuseme?”
“ShouldIputthisstuffaway?”
AlookofreliefwashedoverherfacewhensherealizedIwasn’treferringtoheroglingme.

“Oh…yeah…um…yes.”

JustasIwasdoneputtingthefoodaway,myownnerveskickedinwhenasongI’doriginally

debatednotaddingtotheplaylistcameon.I’dbeenspecificallylookingforsongsaboutelevatorslast
nightwhenatunecalledStuckintheElevatorcameupinmysearch.WhereasalltheothersongsI’d
pickedweremeanttobefunny,thisonewasslow,seriousandalmosthypnotizing.Thewordsconveyed
whatIcouldn’thaveknownlastnightbutexactlywhatIwasfeelingrightnow:thatsomehowbeinghere
withherinthismomentfeltmeanttobe.

Withmybackagainstthewall,Ishutmyeyesagainandwonderedifshewasgettingthemeaning

ofthesong.

Hersoftvoicestartledme.“Whosingsthis?”
“It’sasongIfoundonlinecalledStuckintheElevatorbyEdieBrickell.Youlikeit?”
“Yeah.Ido.”
“Good.”
“You’restillinsane,though,”shesaidquietly.
Iopenedmyeyestofindhermouthspreadintothemostbeautifulsmileshe’dgivenmeyet.It

shouldhavefeltgood,butinstead,ittriggeredafeelingofdreadfullonginginsidemygut.

Ihadacrushonher—likeafuckingkid.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeIfeltlikethis.Forcedto

growuptoofast,myteenageyearsbeforeIvywereallablur.Idefinitelycouldn’trecallfeelinganything
remotelysimilarbefore.IfIwerethatteenager,lifewouldbesimpleandnothingwouldbeholdingme
backfrompursuingher.Instead,Iwasatwenty-four-year-oldlegallymarriedmanplayingadangerous
gamewithmyheart.Gettingclosertoher,knowingthatwecouldn’teverreallybetogetherwasabad
idea.

Twovoicesinmyheadseemedtobecompetingwitheachotherasthesongcontinuedtoplay.
Thevoiceofreasonwastheloudest:Don’tthinkforasecondthisgirlcouldeveracceptyour

marriagetoIvy.AfteryouhelpNinathroughthisshit,youneedtostaythefuckawayfromher.You
hearme?

Deepbeneaththatvoice,wasaweakeronethatIwasprettysurelivedinaninsaneasylum

somewhereinsidemyheart.ThatoneseemedtocomeoutwithasinglemessagewheneverIwouldlay

eyesonher:Maybethere’saway.

***

Afterwereturnedhomethatnight,Ninaknockedonmybedroomdoorwhichwashalf-wayopen.
Istraightenedmybackagainsttheheadboardandputasidemylaptop.“Comein.”
Shewalkedovertothebedandsatattheedgeofmyfeet.
“Ijustwanttothankyouagainfortoday.IknowImusthaveseemedlikeacrazypersonfora

whilethere.”

Ishruggedjokingly.“No…no.Notatall.”
Iwinked.
Shesmiled.
Ismiledback.
Oureyeslockedforafewtension-filledsecondsbeforeshelookedaway.Wesatinsilenceuntil

shelookedupatmeagain.Theexpressiononherfaceturnedserious.

“Noonehaseverdoneanythinglikethatforme,Jake.Imean,youputsomuchthoughtintoit.”
Shakingmyhead,Isaid,“Itwasnothing.Ifanything,itwasfunforme.”
Shecoveredherface.“Ihityou,forChrist’ssake!”
Ijoked,“Eh.Notthefirsttimeawomanhashitmeintheheatofthemoment.Usually,I’m

handcuffedandblindfolded,though.”

Iwinkedagain.
Shesmiledagain.
Ismiledbackagain.
Ninaleanedinalittle,causingmypulsetorace.“Youputyourselfthroughallofthat,knowing

damnwellthatIwasgonnafreakoutonyou.Imean,whatwasinitforyou?”

You.
Youwereinitforme.
“Whatwasinitforme?”Isatupandmovedclosertowhereshewassittingonthebedand

scratchedmychin.“Igottowatchyougofromlivinginanimaginaryplacetolivinginthepresent.Iwas
abletoshareitwithyoubecauseyoutrustedme.It’sexhilaratingformetoknowIcouldshowyouhowto
liveinthemoment…becausethat’sallthereeveris,Nina.Somuchstresscouldbeeliminatedifweall
learnedtodothat.”

Shenoddedtoherself,takinginmywords.“Thismoment…rightnow…ussittinghere….that’sall

thereis.Ihavetokeepremindingmyselfofthat.It’seasiertodowhensomeonewhoiscenteredis
guidingyouthroughit.Noone’severheldmyhandthroughanythinglikethat.Thankyouagain.”

“Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Youknow,everyoneathomethinksI’mcrazy.Theynevertakemyanxietiesseriously.My

parents,myex-boyfriend…”

Ex-boyfriend.
Iwantedtokickthisguy’sass,whoeverhewas.Fucker.
ItwastheperfectwindowtoaskwhatI’dbeenwonderingsinceshemovedin.
“Isthattheguyinthepictureinyourroom?”
Ninashookherhead.“No.No,that’smybrother.”
Myheartstartedbeatingfaster.“Youdon’thaveaboyfriendnow?”
“No.”
ReliefcoursedthroughmeeventhoughIhadtoremindmyselfthatitshouldn’thavematteredsince

Iwouldn’tbepursuingher.

Ifeltmydickmoveashergazetravelleddownmyshirtlesschestanddownlowertomysix-pack.

Mypulsequickenedwhenshereachedoutherhandandplaceditoverthedragontattooonmyleft
forearm.

“Whatisthat?”
Myarmtingledfromhertouch,whichfeltelectric.Atanygivenmoment,Ifeltsecondsawayfrom

grabbinghershirtandpullingherintoadeepkiss.Iwantedthatsodesperately.

Iclearedmythroat.“It’sadragon.”
“Icouldn’ttellatfirstifitwasaseahorseoradragon.”
“Definitelynotaseahorse.”Ilaughedandlookeddownatherdaintyhandonmyarm.“Youknow,

longafterIgotthis,Ireadsomethingoncethatthedragonisapparentlyasymbolofstrengthandpower.It
alsosaidthatthepowerofthedragonmustbebalancedwithwisdom.Otherwise,thegreedthatcomes
withthatpowerturnshimintoaravenouscreaturewithaninsatiableappetite.”

Littledidsheknow,thatwasacrypticdescriptionofmyexactdilemmawhenitcametoher.
Thetensionintheroomwasthickwhenshesaid,“Wow.That’sprettyintense.”
“Yeah.”Itouchedmyfingertoherneck.“What’sthis,aseaurchin?”
Whenshelookeddown,Islidmyhandupandpinchedhernose.
Shelaughed.“Youtrickedme.”
“Itwouldn’tbethefirsttimetoday.”
Sherolledhereyes.“That’sforsure.”
Severalsecondsofsilencepassed.ShebitherbottomlipnervouslyasIimaginedsuckingonit.

Youcouldtellshehadsomethingonhermind.

Thewordsfinallycameout.“Youknow,Iwasreallyscaredaboutmovinghere,butitwas

somethingIknewIhadtodoformyself.”

“WhydidyouchooseNewYorkofallplaces?That’slikejumpingrightintothefire.”
“Asmuchasitscaredme,I’vealwaysdreamtoflivinghere.ItoldmyselfifIgotintothenursing

program,thenthatwasthesignIneededtomakethemove.Ifeltsooutofplacethatfirstday,though.I
reallyconsideredjustgoingbackhome.”

“I’mreallygladyoudidn’t,”Iwhispered.
“Me,too.”Sheglancedoveratthewallandhesitated.“Youmakemefeelsafe.IrealizeIdon’t

knowyoufromAdam,butwhatIdoknowisthatIfeelmoresecureknowingyou’rehere.Isthatstrange?”

Pressurebuiltinmychest.Hearinghersaythatfeltsogoodandsoawfulatthesametime.She

wasright.Shedidn’tknowmefromAdamandhadnoideahowtruethatstatementwas.

Youshouldgetoutofhere,Nina.Please.
Iswallowedandsaid,“No.It’snotstrange.Ilikehowhonestyouare.OneofthefirstvibesIgot

fromyouwasthatyouwearyourheartonyoursleeve.You’renotafraidtomakeafoolofyourself,either,
forthegreatergood.Thatsaysalotaboutaperson.”

“Thanks…Ithink?”Shesmiledandlightlypunchedmyarm.
TherewassomuchmoreIwishedIcouldsaytoher,butitallstayedinsideofme.
Then,Ninalookedstraightintomyeyeswithapermeatingstarewhenshesaid,“Ithinksometimes

peoplecomeintoourlivesatacertaintimeforareason.”

Thatwasthetruth.I’dalwaysbelievedthatIwasmeanttomeetIvywhenIdidbecauseshewas

goingtoneedme.Atthesametime,itfeltlikedestinyinadifferentwaywithNina.Ijustcouldn’tfigure
outwhythemanupstairswouldleadmetoherifheneededmetotakecareofIvy.

Shestayedforanotherseveralminutes,openinguptomeaboutherfirstpanicattackthathappened

inadarkelevatorduringahighschoolfieldtrip.Shejustkeptthankingmeagainforseeingherthrough
thingsearlierbutsaidsheplannedtospendtherestofthenightstudying.Shewantedtomakesuretoget
anAonhernextexamtoavoidanotherexcursionforawhile.Icouldn’tsayIblamedher.

MystomachfeltunsettledbecausetomorrowI’dbeleavingforBoston.Itwasthefirsttimesince

movingtoNewYorkthatIalmostconsideredstayingbackinNewYorkfortheweekend.ButIcouldn’t.

IdecidedtomakeNinaanorigamibatthatI’dsneakintoherroomwhenshewenttotakeher

eveningshower.

Ijotteddownsomepotentialpoemsinmynotebookbeforewritinganythinginpermanentink

insideofthebat.

Well,whatdoyouknow?Iwasapoetanddidn’tknowit.

WhatIalmostwrote:

Sorryyoupissedyourself.
Ihopewe’restillfriends.
Remindmenexttime,
TopacksomeDepends.

WhatIwishedIcouldhavewritten:

Don’tthankmeforhelpingyouthrough.
Ishouldbethankingyou.
Gettinglostinyoursmile,
Madeitallworthwhile.

WhatIactuallywrote:

Youdidn’trun…yousawitthrough.
Mr.Batisproudofyou.

CHAPTER6

Past

Realityhasawayofsmackingyouinthefacesometimes.Thatweekend,myvisitwithIvywas

oneoftheworstinrecentweeksanddefinitelyservedasawake-upcall.

OnSaturdaymorning,sheseemedtobeinagreatmood,soIdecidedtotakehershoppingthat

afternoonforwinterclothesdowntown.WewereinsideMacy’swhenshestartedhavingoneofher
delusionsaboutme.

Ivywastryingonsomesweatersinthedressingroom.Nearlytwentyminuteshadgoneby,andshe

stillhadn’tcomeout.She’donlytakeninafewitemswithher,soitshouldn’thavetakenherthatlong.
EventhoughIwasstandingrightoutsidethefittingarea,Istartedtoworrythatsomethingwasverywrong.

Theattendanthaddisappeared,andIvywasn’trespondingtome.Myshoulderbrushedbyabunch

ofplastichangersonarackasIbargedmywayinandspottedIvy’sstripedsocksunderneathoneofthe
stalls.

Iknockedonthedoor.“Ivy,what’sgoingon?Iseverythingokay?”
“Whoareyou,andwhatdoyouwantfromme?”
Great.
“YouknowwhoIam.It’sJake.”
“Leavemealone.”Herlighterclicked,andsmokestartedtofilltheroom.
Ibangedonthedoor.“Ivy!Youcan’tsmokeinhere.”
Shethrewawoolsweateroverthedoor,andithitmeintheface.“Getawayfromme,orI’m

callingthepolice.”

MyheartwasracingbecauseIknewalltoowellwherethiswasheaded.Needingtocalmdown,I

letoutadeepbreath.

“Ivy,pleaseopenthedoor.”
Shestartedscreamingatthetopofherlungs,“Helpme!Someonehelpme!He’stryingtohurt

me!”

Anattendantrushedin.“Sir,youneedtogetoutofhererightnow!Thisisawomen’sdressing

room.Andshecan’tbesmokinginhere.”

Noshit.Really?
“He’stryingtokillme!”Ivyyelled.
“Lady,youdon’tunderstand.Mywifeismentallyill.Shelockedherselfinthere,andI’mtryingto

getherout.”

Beforeshecouldrespond,storesecuritycameinandbegandraggingmeoutoftheroom.
Iprotested,“Someoneneedstoopenthatdoorandgetheroutofthere.”
“Takehimaway.He’stryingtohurtme!”shescreamedfrombehindthedoor.
“WhyshouldIbelieveyouoverher?”saidtheburlymanstillholdingmyarm.
Thiscouldnotbehappeningtome.
“Look,justgivemeaminutetocallhercaseworker.I’llletyoutalktoher.She’llexplain.”
Gina’snumberwasonmyspeeddial.Shepickedup.ThankGod.
“Gina,I’matMacy’swithIvy,andshe’shavinganepisode.She’stellingpeopleI’mtryingtohurt

her.Ineedyoutovouchformeandtalktothesecuritypeoplehere,sotheycanhelpmegetherhome.”

ThemanspentaboutthreeminutesonthephonewithGinawhiletheattendantunlockedthe

dressingroomdoor.Ivywashuddledinthecornerofthefittingroomandwouldn’tmove.

Whenthesecurityguardgotoffthephone,heturnedtothefemaleemployee.“Keepthedressing

roomclosedtothepublicuntilhecantalkherout.”Then,helookedatmewithasympatheticexpression.
“I’llletyouhandlethis.Letusknowifyouneedanyhelp.”

Myvoicewaslow.“Thankyou.”
Ivystayedstillinthesamecornerandwasnolongersayinganything.Experiencetoldmeshe

neededsometimetocomedownfromoneofthesefreakouts.

Afterseveralminutes,Ibentdownslowlyandreachedmyhandoutevenslower.“Babygirl,we

needtogetyouhome.Please.”

Shehadtearsinhereyesasshelookedupatme.“Jake?”
“Yeah.It’sme.”Ismiled.“You’reokay.”
Ivytookmyhandandletmeliftherup.Igrabbedthetwosweatersthatwerestrewnonthefloor

andhungthemup.

Shecaughtmeoffguardwhenshewrappedherarmsaroundmyneck.“I’mscared.”
TheonlythingworsethanIvy’sdelusionswerethefleetingmomentswhenshe’dbecomeawareof

herillness.Icouldn’tbegintoimaginetheconfusionandterrortrappedinsidehermind.Itbrokemyheart
whenshe’dlookatme,hereyespleadingforhelp,becausetherewasreallynothingIcoulddototakethe
painaway.

“Don’tleaveme.Pleasedon’tleaveme,”shepleaded.
Iheldhertighter.“Iwon’t.Ialwaysseeyou,Ivy.Iknowwhoyouare.Don’tworry.”
Shebegantocryharderontomyshoulders,andmyowneyesstartedtosting.Thiswouldneverget

easier.IhadnoproblemassuringherthatIwouldalwaysbethere,though.Howanyonewithaconscience
couldabandonsomeoneinhersituationwasincomprehensibletome.Everyonehasacross.Ivy’sand
minewereoneandthesame.Iwassomehowchosentohelphercarryitinthislife.I’dalwaysbelieved
that.

WetooktheOrangeLinetrainbacktothegrouphome.Itwasaquietanduneventfulride.Istayed

withheruntilaboutteno’clockwhenIlefttoheadhometomysister’shouse.Allison,herhusband
Cedricandtheirtwingirls,HollyandHannah,livedintheBrooklinesuburbofBoston,aboutthirty
minutesfromIvy.Theyofferedmetheirsparebedroomformyweekendstays.

BeforeIgottotheirdoor,Iturnedaround,decidingtoheadtotheneighborhoodbararoundthe

cornerforaquickdrinktoclearmyhead.AfterthedayI’dhad,itwouldhavetobesomethingstrong.

Beacon’sTavernwasdimly-litwithafewtelevisionsplayingdifferentcablesportschannels.It

wassurprisinglyemptyandquietasidefromacoupleofguyswithstrongBostonaccentsarguingoverone
ofthegames.

“Vodkastraight,please,Lenny.”
Thebartenderpouredmydrinkandplaceditinfrontofmeonthecounter.“Haven’tseenyouhere

inawhile,Jake.”

“Justtryingtostayoutoftrouble,Iguess,”Isaidbeforethrowingbacktheliquidcourage.The

vodkaburnedmythroatasIdownedhalfofitinonegulp.

Avoidingthebarhadactuallybeenquiteintentionallately.MydayswithIvywerealwayslong

ones.Becauseofmyweeklongabsences,Itriedtomakethemostofmytimewithher.Afterleavingthe
grouphomeonSaturdays,Iusuallywentbacktomysister’sforalatedinnerofleftoversthenslept.But
occasionally,I’dhitthebar,anditusuallyendedupwithmydrinkingtoomuch.Wakingupwitha
hangoveronSundaymorningswhenIhadtoreturntoIvy’swasnotideal.

LennyplacedasecondvodkainfrontofmeeventhoughIhadn’taskedforone.“Alotofguys

wouldbejustfinewithyourkindoftrouble,prettyboy.”

HewasclearlyreferringtothelasttimeIwasinhereafewmonthsagowhenIleftwithan

attractiveblondenamedDebra.Sheandafriendweretheonlytwofemalesinthebarthatnightandwere
beinghitonbyprettymucheverysinglepatron.Atonepoint,thisdrunkdudewascomingontoostrongly,
andDebralookedreallyuncomfortable.Iwalkedoverandpretendedtoknowher,hopingtotakehis
attentionaway.Whenhefinallygotthehint,sheandIstartedtalkingandendedupgettingalongwell.She
wasabouttenyearsolderthanmeandinthemiddleofadivorce.Likeme,shesaidshewasn’tlookingto
getintoarelationshipbutconfessedthatshehadn’thadsexwithanyonesincehermarriageended.

Sheaskedmetohaveanightcapwithherbecausehertwokidswereapparentlywiththeirfather

fortheweekend.Debraendedupgoingdownonmewithinthefirsttwominutesafterarrivingather
apartment,andwehadsexthreetimes.Shescreamedsoloudlywhensheorgasmed,theyprobablyheard
itatFenwayPark.

Shekeptbeggingmetofuckheragain,sayingnoonehadevermadehercomethewayIhad.After

thatnight,Debrawouldn’tstopcallingandtextingme.EventhoughImadeitclearIwasn’tinterestedin
gettinginvolvedwithher,sheinsistedthatsheneededtoseemeagain,basicallydoingatotalone-eighty.
ThatwasthemainreasonI’davoidedcomingbacktothebarforsolongsincesheonlyliveddownthe
street,andIwassureshe’dbeenbacktolookforme.

Brieflylookingbehindmyshoulder,Ishrugged.“Notinterestedingettingintoanymoretroubleif

youknowwhatImean,Lenny.”

Ofcourse,theencounterwithDebrawasbeforeNinacameintothepicture.Nootherwomanhad

enteredmysexualconsciousnesssince.Swirlingtheremainderofmydrinkaroundintheglass,mymind
driftedtomyroommateagainasittypicallydidlately.Istayedlostinmythoughtsforthebetterpartofan
hourbeforethrowingatwentydownandexitingthebar.

TherestofthatweekendwasspentreflectingontherealityofmysituationasitrelatedtoNina.It

waseasiertothinkstraightwhenweweren’tunderthesameroof.EvenifIweretoletsomethinghappen
betweenus,itwouldallbealie.Shedeservedbetterthanaguywhowasn’tupfrontwithherandcould
neverfullybethereforher.Shedeservedbetterthantobepursuedbyamarriedman.Despitethefactthat
shemademefeelmorealivethanIprobablyeverhad,itwasbecomingmorenecessarybythedayto
distancemyself.Itneededtostartimmediately.Thiswasforherowngoodandultimately,mine.

***

DemonsbyImagineDragonsplayedonmyiPodasthesubwayapproachedmystopbackin

Brooklyn.ItwasironicbecausethelyricsdescribedtoateehowIsawmyself.Iwashidingdemons,
sure,butifshelookedcloselyenoughatme,IfeltlikeNinashouldhavebeenabletoseethattheywere
there.IoftenwonderedwhysheneveraskedmewhatIdideveryweekendinBoston.Itwasasifshe
knewtheanswerwassomethingshemightnotwanttohear.

AsIwalkeddownLincolntowardourapartment,Ithoughtbacktothesametimeoneweekago

andhowexcitedIwasthentobeabletoseeNinaagain.ButaftermyroughweekendwithIvyandthe
epiphanyIhad,theapproachhometonightwasdownrightpainfulnowthatI’dmadethedecisiontostay
awayfrommyroommate.Thetutoringwouldhavetobeit,mainlybecauseIdidn’tknowhowtoexplain
mywayoutofit.

Toaddtomymiserablestate,itstartedpouringrain.Ijustwantedtogethome,shutmydoor,take

offmywetclothes,mayberuboneoffandhaveacigarette.

Nothingaboutthisnightfeltright.EvenMrs.Ballsworthywasn’tatthewindowlikeshenormally

wasatallhours.Beingtoldtogo“fuckmyself”wassomethingI’dcometorelyon.

Aweirdfeelingfollowedmeallthewayupthestairstotheapartment.
EventhoughNina’sdoorwasclosed,longingdevelopedatthepitofmystomachasIpassedher

room.Notevenaminutehome,andIwaswishingIcouldseeher.Thiswasgoingtobeoneofthehardest
weeksofmylife.

WhenIturnedthelightoninmyroom,myheartnearlystopped.
Istoodfrozeninthedoorway,unsureofhowtohandlethesightthatgreetedme.Ninalay

sprawledacrossmybed,hergoldenhaircoveringmypillow.Mysketchbookswerealloverthebed.

What.The.Fuck.
Thisshouldhavemademelivid,butmainly,itjustconfusedthehelloutofme.Thenormalthingto

dowouldhavebeentowakeherupandaskherwhatthehellshewasdoingsnoopingthroughmythings.
Instead,Ithrewmybackpackdownandjuststoodtheretakinginthesightofherinmybed.

Ninawasinmybed.
Herbeautifulasswasfacingmeasshecurledintomymattress.Imovedclosertostandoverher

andjustwatchedherbreathing.Shemusthavesensedmebecauseherbodystirred,andthenshestartedto
wakeup.ShejumpedupsofastyouwouldhavethoughtI’dlitafirecrackerunderherass.

“Jake…Icanexplain,”shesaidinahoarsevoice.
Iwasmadather,notforbeingcuriousandsnooping,though.Iwasmadbecauseseeingherinmy

bedundideveryfuckingbitofresolveI’dbuiltupontheridehome.

“Whatthefuck,Nina?”
Asmallstreamofwaterfrommywethairdrippeddownmyforehead.Everythingwasstillexcept

forthesoundoftherainpeltingmywindow.Theabilitytospeaktotallyescapedmeasshecontinuedto
lookupatmeinfear.ShethoughtIwasangryather.Ifsheonlyknewthethoughtsthatwerefloating
throughmysexuallyfrustratedmind,howIwishedIcouldtakeitoutonherhardinadifferentwaythan
shewasprobablyimagining.

Shestartedtospeak.“Um…afewhoursago,Iwasaloneinthehouse,andyourdoorwasopen.I

hadthoughtIleftthemathworkbookinhere,soIcameinside.Inoticedthesesketchbooks.Ionlymeantto
peekinatthetopone,butwhenIsawhowamazingthefirstdrawingwas…Ijustcouldn’tstoplooking.”

Iswallowedhard,knowingthatshe’dbeenlookingatdrawingsofIvy,drawingsofmyfather,

eventhoughshehadnoideaaboutthemeaningbehindthem.IthankedmyluckystarsthatI’dnixedthe
ideaofsketchingheronenightlastweekbecauseshewouldhaveseenthat,too.

AmentalwarcontinuedtobewagedinsidemyheadastowhetherIshouldkickheroutoraskher

tostay.

Shecontinued,“Imusthaveclosedmyeyesandfallenasleep.”Hervoicewasshaking.She

remindedmeofashiveringpuppy.“Iamreallysorry.Ishouldhaveneverthoughtitwasokaytolookat
yourstuff.Fortherecord,theyarethemostphenomenaldrawingsIhaveeverseen.”

Mychesttightenedatthecompliment.Tryingtobuymoretimetothink,Istartedtostackthe

sketchpadsontopofeachotherandreturnedthemtotheirrightfulplace.

“Again,I’msorry.”
Shethrewmeoffguardwhenshesuddenlygotupfromthebed.Iinstinctivelygrabbedherwristto

stopher.“Whereareyougoing?”

IguessI’dmademydecision.
“Backtomyroom.”
IwasnolongerthinkingwiththerightheadwhenIpushedherdownontothebedslowly.“Just

stay.”

“Stay?Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean…youwerecomfortablehere.Juststay.”
“You’renotmadatme?”
“Ididn’tsaythat.Youshouldn’thavebeensnooping.”
“Iknow.I’mreallysorry.”

I’mreallynot.
Myemotionswereallovertheplace,andthissituationwasweakeningme.Assherelaxedinto

thebedagain,thatwasalltheencouragementIneeded.AllIwantedintheworldwastofeelherbody
nexttomine,andIwasgoingtoletmyselffeelthattonight.

Justonenight.
IknewIwaslyingtomyself.
Ihadn’tnoticedwhetherourroommateswereevenhome.Iwalkedovertothedoorandshutitso

thattheydidn’tspotherinhere.Feelingprotectiveofher,Ididn’twantthemtogetthewrongidea.

Then,Ishutoffthelightbeforeremovingmywetjacketandtakingoffmyshirt.Eventhoughmy

pantswerealittledamp,theystayedonbecause,well,strippingdowntomyunderwearwouldhavebeen
pushingit.

Tomorrow,Itoldmyself.Startingtomorrow,Iwouldfollowthroughwithmyplantodistance

myselffromher.Buttonight…tonightIjustwantedtosleepnexttoher.

“Scootover,”Isaid.
Sheturnedontohersideinstantlyatmycommandwithoutquestion.Mychestpressedintoher

back,andherbodymoldedintomine.Shewassowarmandsoft,practicallymeltingintome.Icouldn’t
resistlockingmyarmaroundherwaist.Wewerespooning,anditfeltbetterthananythingI’dever
experiencedwiththeoppositesexupuntilthatpoint.Itwassensuallyintimateandmorecomfortingthan
anythingIcouldeverrememberfeelingbefore.Ihadn’theldanyonelikethatinyears.Butneverhaditfelt
likethis—likehome—tome.

Unabletocontrolallthefeelingsthatwereemerging,mybreathingbecameheavierwitheach

second.Shewasbeingfidgetyallofasuddenandmademewonderifshewasn’tcomfortable.“You’re
movingaroundalot.Youokaywiththis,Nina?Wouldyourathergobacktoyourbed?”

“No.Iwanttostay.”
ThankGod.BecauseIseriouslydidn’tknowhowIcould’velethergorightthen.
“Good,”Isaidbeforetighteningmygriponhersidetoreaffirmmyownstance.
Ipulledherclosertomeandtriedtorelax,buryingmynoseinherhairandtakingalongwhiffof

whatIimaginedheavensmelledlike.Ibreathedinandoutslowlyontoherneck.IwishedIcouldtaste
her.IwishedIcouldconsumeeveryinchofher.

Atonepoint,shepushedhersoftampleassintome,andIhadtorepositionmyselfsothatherbutt

wasagainstmylegandnotmydick.Still,thebriefheatofheragainstmemademycockswell.Therewas
nowayIcouldhavekeptthiscontrolwhilesandwichedinthecrookofherass.ForgetwhatIsaidabout
homeearlier…thatwouldhavebeenhome.

Iwaspainfullyhard.Ihadn’tbeenwithanyonesincethedayIlaideyesonNina.Shehadme

cock-whippedanddidn’tevenknowit.

Hersweetvoicestartledme.“Jake?”
“Yeah.”
“Ireallyamsorryforinvadingyourprivacy.”
“It’sokay,Nina.”
“Thankyou.”
“Nina?”
“Yeah?”
“Yourunderweardrawermightgetrearrangedthisweek.That’sallI’msayin.”
Mylipswerepressedagainstherback,andIcouldfeelherlaughtervibratingagainstmymouth.
Itightenedmyholdonheronceagainandoverthenextseveralminutes,herbreathingsloweduntil

shefellasleepinmyarms.

AstiredasIwas,Icouldn’tsleepawink.IkeptthinkingabouthowonEarthIwassupposedto

eversleepaloneagainafterknowingwhatthisfeltlike.Thethoughtofnevergettingtoexperiencethis
againmademychesthurt,andthethoughtofhavingtoalienatemyselffromhermademegrabontoher
eventighter.

Atonepoint,Ninamovedinhersleep,andherassonceagainmanagedtolandrightontopofmy

helplessdick,nowstrainingthroughmypants.

Ifsmellingherhairwasheaven,thenmyengorgedcockgettingstuckinthispredicamentwashell.

Itwasapleasurableformoftorture,though,andIdidn’twanttomovethistime.Thiswasmylast
opportunitytofeelherlikethis,andIwasgoingtorelisheverysecond.

Isoftlykissedherbackassheslept,afeelingofdreadgrowingwitheachminute.
Whenthesuncameup,shewasstillsleepingwhileIhadtogetupforwork.Ihadaragingcaseof

blueballsthatwouldneedtobetakencareofintheshower,butitwasallworthit.Everythingabout
sleepingnexttoherlastnightwassomethingI’dcherishfortherestofmylife.

IcaressedherhaironelasttimebeforeIhadtoleave.Afleetingthoughtmademefeelsickinside.

Butitwasreality.

Whoevergetsyousomedayisgonnabealuckyman.

CHAPTER7

Past

Duringthefirstcoupleofweeksafterourlittlesleepover,Istayedtruetomyword.Asidefrom

ourtutoringsessions,everyeffortwasmadetostayawayfromNina.Wenevertalkedaboutthenightin
mybed.Itwasasifitneverhappened.

Shewouldtrytogetclosertome,andmyhavingtopushherawaybrokemyheart.Truthfully,I

wantednothingmorethantoletourconnectiongroworganicallyandtoseewhatcouldhavebeen,butI’d
resolvedtodotherightthing.

Thelowpointofthattimewaswhenshe’dmademeabatchofbananapuddingonenight.Nina

startedaconversationaboutherconservativeupbringingandhowliberatedshewasstartingtofeelliving
inNewYorkdespiteherfears.Shebeganaskingmequestionsaboutmychildhoodandwasreallytrying
togetinsidemyhead.Insteadofopeningup,Ijustshutdownandchangedthesubject.Ifilledasmall
bowlandatethedessertasquicklyasIcouldthenthankedherbeforeescapingtomyroom.Ifeltlike
absolutecrapforeatingandrunningbutnotasbadlyasIfeltonceIrealizedthatafterthatnight,Ninahad
givenupontrying.

Mymessagehadfinallygottenthroughtoherloudandclear.Asidefromthetutoring,sheseemed

toavoidmecompletelyafterthepuddingencounter.

Then,oneThursdayevening,Ninawaslateforourstudysession.SheknewI’dsetcertainrules,

andnumberonewasshowingupontime.Despitemysoftspotforher,whenitcametothemath,Irana
tightshipandtookitveryseriously,oftencomingacrossasahardass.

Iplannedtocallheroutonhertardiness,bothbecauseIwantedhertotakethetutoringseriously

andalsobecausepartofmewascravingtheattentionIlostfromhereventhoughI’dpusheditaway.
Creatingconfrontationwas,atleast,anacceptableformofinteractionforme.So,whenshefinally
appearedatthedoorway,Iimmediatelygavehershit.Onthisparticularnight,forthefirsttime,she
decidedtodishitoutrightbacktome.

“Well,lookwhodecidedtogracemewithherpresence,”Ichided.
Ninastoodinthethreshold.Herhairwaswetassheclutchedherbooksinfrontofherchest.She

alwaysdidthisthingwhereshehesitatedtocomein,likemyroomwasalion’sdenorsomeshit.

Shewasn’tsmiling.“Igotstuckinalineatthemarket.Then,itstartedpouringrain.Igothereas

fastasIcould.”

Thedampsmelloftherainlingeredonherbodyasshestoodinthedoorway.
“Youcancomein,youknow.”
Shesteppedinsideandsatonthebed.“Thankyou.”
Asalways,Isatawayfromheratmydesk.Somethingwasdifferentaboutherattitudetonight.It

seemedlikeshewaspissed.

Itriedtolightenthemood.“Youalwaysseemtogetcaughtintherain,Nina.Whyisthat?It’slike

youattractit.”

Shepausedandlookedmestraightintheeye.“Iguessiftherainisattractedtome,whatwould

thatmakeyouthen…fireorsomething?”

Shit.

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“Don’tworryaboutit,”shemutteredunderherbreath.
Iknewwhatthefuckitmeant.Forthefirsttime,shewascallingmeoutonmyhotandcold

behaviortowardher,exceptnowshe’dcometoaconclusionthatcouldn’thavebeenmorefaroff.She
believedIwasn’tattractedtoherwhenmyproblemwasexactlytheopposite.

Justwhenthingscouldn’thavepossiblygottenmoretense,shetookoffherjacket.Hershirtwas

damp,allowingmeaclearerviewofthebodybeneath.Avisionofpullingonthatshirtwithmyteethand
suckingthewaterdryoffofherbeautifultitscausedbloodtorushtomydick.

“Areyousureyoudon’twanttochangebeforewestart?”
Idon’tthinksheknewthatIcouldseerightthroughthematerial.
“No.I’mgood.”
Well,I’mnotfuckinggoodwiththis.
Itookoutashirtfrommyclosetandthrewitather.“Here.Putthison.”
“But…”
Igrittedmyteethandrepeated,“Putiton.”
Shelookeddownatherselfandblushed,finallyrealizingwhyI’dbeensoadamantaboutit.She

tooktheshirtwithoutfurtherprotest,andIturnedawaysoshecouldchange.

Shegavemethegoaheadtoturnbackaround.Mybreathingwasrapidandquickenedevenfurther

whenmyeyeslandedonherbreastsstretchingagainstmyshirt.ItwastheclosestthingthatI’dhavetomy
bodywrappedaroundher.Shelookedsofuckinghotinit.

Iclearedmythroat.“Weshouldgetstarted.Showmetheassignment.”
Shehandedmethetextbookandsomeworksheets.“It’sonprobability.”
Irubbedmychinandwrackedmybrainforsomeideas.Ialwayscameupwithlessonsofmyown

inadditiontowhathomeworkNinawasgivenbyherprofessor.Shealwaysseemedtopaybetterattention
whenshecouldrelatetotheexamples.

Doingsomethingtobreakthetensemoodwasalsogoingtobenecessary.
Grabbinganotepad,Iwroteafewthingsdownbeforeflippingitaroundandshowingittoher.

“Okay…probability.Oneofthesethingshasagreaterlikelihoodthantheother:Ninafartsinhersleep.
Ninatalksinhersleep.Ninadoesnothinginhersleep.”

“You’relying.”
“Iguesswe’llfindout.”

***

Thatnight,IsnuckanotherorigamibatintoNina’sroom.

WhatIalmostwrote:

You’reluckyyou’recute,
Whenyousleepandtoot.
AndluckyIdon’tmind,
Thesilentbutdeadlykind.

WhatIwishedIcouldhavewritten:

Toyourrain,yousaidIwasfire.
IfonlyIcouldshowyoumydesire.

Then,you’dclearlysee,
Whatitisyoudotome.

WhatIactuallywrote:

Restassured,youneitherfartnortalkinyoursleep.
Butshouldyoudecidetostarttonight,
Mr.Batwon’tutterapeep.

***

Myplantostayawayfromhersufferedtwomajorsetbacksinthedaysthatfollowed.
ThefirstwaswhenNinafoundoutthatshegotherfirstAonamathexam.Itwasamazingbut

didn’tcomeasatotalshockbecauseshe’dbeenbustingherbuttwithstudyinglately.

ShewaspreparingaBananasFosterdesserttothankmeforhelpinghermakethegrade.That

dessertwaslikecracktome.

Wewereinthekitchenalonetogether.Iwastryingtohelpbypeelingsomeofthebananas,butall

Ireallyendedupdoingwasdistractingher.Shewaslookingupatmewhilecuttingandslicedherfinger.

Itcausedmeactualphysicalpaintoseeherbloodpouringoutandtriggeredavisceralreactionin

me.Therewasnotowelinsight,soIwrappedherfingertightlyinmyshirt.Redkeptseepingthroughand
withoutthinking,Iplacedherfingerinmymouthandstartedtosuckthebloodout.

Okay.So,itwasn’tthemostsanitarychoice—alittleinsanemaybe.
Ijustwantedtomakeitbetter.Youshouldhaveseenthedazedandconfusedlookonherface.It

waslikeshewasoutsideofherbodywatchingitallunfold.

Itwasn’tsupposedtofeelsexual;thatwasn’tmyintention.Butwithoutadoubt,itwasstimulating

because,let’sfaceit,havinganythingofhersinmymouthwasgoingtohavethateffect.Itwasn’tevenso
muchmysuckingonherfingerasitwasthewayshewaslookingatmewhenIdidit,likeshewanted
moreofwhatIwasgivingherinthatmoment.

BythetimeIslowlyslidherfingeroutofmymouth,Iwasstartingtogetaroused,andIwaspretty

sureshewas,too.HercheekswereflushedasIremovedmyblood-coveredshirtandusedittowrapher
fingeragainasshelookeddownatmybarechest.Herlipswerepartedinthatwaytheyalwayswere
whensheogledme.Shedidn’trealizeInoticedit.

WhenshepointedoutthatIhadsomebloodonmymouth,insteadofwipingitwithsomething,I

intentionallylickeditoffasshewatchedeverymovementofmytongueslideacrossmylip.Iswallowed
it.Iwantedherinaprimalway,andIguessthiswasmywayofexpressingthat,eventhoughIwouldn’t
consideractingonitinotherways.

Still,Irealizedthatwasn’tanormalmannerofshowingit.Itwasacompletelossofcontrol,

foreverreferredtoinmymindasthe“vampireincident.”

***

Thesecondmajorsetbackwaswhatbegantheprocessofmycompleteundoingwhenitcameto

Nina.

ItwasaFriday,andasusual,mybagwaspackedandreadytogowithmeatworkforthe

weekendtriptoBoston.

Inormallyhoppedatrainaftermyshiftended,butthatentireday,thoughtsofNinawouldnotstop

invadingmybrain.Istartedconvincingmyselfthatbeingfriendswithherwouldbebetterthannothing,

especiallysinceIcouldn’tseemtostayawayfromher.

Maybewecouldbefriends.
Famouslastwords.
Iwantedsomuchtostaytheweekendandjustspendtimewithher.
Thatnight,asIwaswalkingtothetrainstation,Iimpulsivelyturnedaroundandheadedbackto

theapartment,decidingtotakeanearlySaturdaymorningtraininsteadsothatwecouldhangout.Iwould
askherifshewantedtogooutandeatorrentamovie.Thosewereharmlessthings,right?

Ilovedlyingtomyself,apparently.
Droppingmytravelbagbytheapartmentdoor,Imademywaydownthehall.Nina’sbedroom

doorwasopen,andshewasstandingtherelookingatherselfinthefull-lengthmirrorattachedtoher
closet.

Myjawdropped,andmyheartpoundedasItookherin.Atightdresshuggedhervoluptuousbody.

Herhairwascascadingdownherbackinbeautifullongcurlsthatalmostreachedthetopofheramazing
ass.

Shewaswearingstripperheels.Ninalookedlikeshe’dbeenkidnappedanddoneupbyatribeof

whores.

ItwasthehottestfuckingthingI’deverseeninmyentirelife.
Shehadn’tnoticedmejustoutsidethedoor,soImovedincloser.Herdresswasbrightpurple,

andIdecidedtomakeadumbjokeaboutitsincetellingherwhatIwasreallythinkingmighthavegotten
mearrested.“Nina,Barneythedinosaurcalled.Hewantshisskinback.”

Sheflinchedwhenshesawmyreflectioninthemirror.“Jake!Whatareyoudoinghere?You’re

supposedtobeonyourwaytoBoston.”

“Nicetoseeyou,too.”
“Well,it’sjustthatyouusuallyleavefromworkand—”
Iliedtoher.“Imissedthe5:15Amtrak,soImighteithercatchthelasttrainat9:30orjustgoin

themorning.”

“Oh.”
Sheseemedabsolutelyshockedtoseemeandquiteuncomfortable.Then,sheturnedaround.
Sheturnedaround.
Fuck.
Myeyesunapologeticallywentwheretheyneededtogo.Thedresshadaplungingnecklinethat

showedwaytoomuchofhermassivecleavage.Whilethebackviewlookedhot,thefrontviewwas
downrightindecent.Mythroatseemedtofreeze.IknewIshouldhavesaidsomethingbutcouldn’tfindthe
words.NootherwomanhadsomuchascrossedmymindsexuallysinceNinaenteredmylife.Myearlier
conclusionthatstayingfriendswasagoodideanowseemedludicrousasIstoodtheretakingherinand
prayingawaymyerection.Isurehadbeenlyingtomyself.Mymouthwaswateringforfuck’ssake.The
truthwas…Iwasstarvingforher.Onlyher.

ThewayherchestwasheavingasIlookedather,thewayshealwaysreactedtomemademefeel

likeshewantedmethatway,too.

Iforcedmyselftospeak.“Nina…youlook—”
“Interesting?”Shesmiledinanattempttolightenmood.
Myhungryeyestravelledslowlydownward,takinginhertitsandthewaythematerialofher

dressclungtohertautstomach.Herbarelegslookedlongerinheels.“That’sonewayofputtingit.”

Oureyesmetagain.Shecouldtellwheremymindwas.Hell,itcouldn’thavebeenmoreobvious.
“Jake!”
Iturnedaroundtoseeourroommate,Tarah,entertheroombutquicklyreturnedmygazebackto

Nina.

“Tarah!”Isaid,mimickinghershockedtoneofvoice.Understandably,everyoneseemedso

surprisedtoseemehereonaFridaynight.Itdawnedonmethatmaybetheyweregettingreadytogoout
onagirls’night.

Wouldithavebeenwrongtoinvitemyself?
IploppeddownonNina’sbedandjoked,“Ididn’tknowweweregoingouttonight,Nina.”
“We…arenotgoinganywhere,”Tarahsaid.“Sheisgoingonadate.”
Itwaslikemyworldstoppedspinningwhenshesaidit.
Myheadandearsbegantothrobasjealousyhitmelikeatonofbricks.
Getyourshittogether,Jake.
Icouldn’t.
Itwasimpossibletopretendthatthisnewswasn’twreckingme.AsmuchasI’dtriedtodistance

myself,asmuchasIknewNinacouldneveracceptmylifeifsheknewthetruth…inmyheart,Ibelieved
shewasmine.Mine.Itwasthefirsttimetherealizationofthatdeludedmisconceptionreallyhitme.

Theonlywordsthatwouldcomeoutofmymouthwere,“Isee.”Myhandsformedintofiststo

wardofftheangerbuildinginsideme.“Isupposehe’stakingyoutotheVegasStripinthatoutfit?”

Tarahsaidsomething,butIdidn’tevenhearitbecauseIwastoobusystaringatNina,thistime

intohereyes.Iwantedtocarryherinmyarmsbacktomyroomandcoverherwithmybody.Ihadno
righttofeelthiswayandknewIneededtoleavebeforeImadeatotalfoolofmyselfsinceIapparently
couldn’thidemyjealousy.Thishadhonestlyneverhappenedtomebefore.MaybeifI’dhadachanceto
practicethisreactionwhenIwasthirteen,Iwouldn’thavebeenactinglikeateenagerrightnow.

“Havefun,”Isaidwithaboutasmuchenthusiasmassendingsomeoneofftoafuneral.“Anddon’t

forgetajacket.You’reboundtocatchpneumoniadressedlikethat.”Icouldn’thelpmyself.IguessIjust
hadtostickthatintofurthersolidifymyroleasajealousidiot.

Slammingthedoorbehindme,Ireturnedtomyroomandliterallypunchedthewall.Smart.Taking

itoutonaninanimateobjectwasreallygoingtohelp.

Isatonmybedandnervouslyboppedmyfeetupanddown.ThesilencewasdeafeningasIheld

myheadinmyhandswhilemyheartcontinuedtopound.Iwasangrywithnoonebutmyselfforlettingmy
feelingsforhergettothislevel.Shehadeveryrighttobewinedanddinedbysomeone.Shedeservedthe
bestthatlifehadtooffer,andIhadnothingtoofferher.

MybodyremainedinthesamepositionwithmyheaddownuntilIheardknockinginthedistance.

ItmusthavebeenNina’sdate.Thethoughtmademystomachturn.

Igotupandpeekedoutthedoor,onlyabletomakeoutbitsandpiecesoftheguy.
Blondish-brownhair.Cleanwhiteshirt.Khakipants.Boatshoes.
Boatshoes.Really?Fuckingdweeb.
Withmypiercingsandtats,Iwasthepolaroppositeofthisdude.Ifthiswasthetypeshewentfor,

thenmaybemyvibesfromherhavebeenallwrong.

WhenIheardNina’sbedroomdooropen,Ibackedawayfrommyowndoorsoshewouldn’tsee

mecreeping.Oncesheenteredthekitchen,Irepositionedmyeartoeavesdrop.

Icouldhearhimcomplimentingherandfeltbilerisinginmythroat.
Iopenedthedooracracktoseethem.Youshould’veseenthewayhewasgawkingather.I

wantedtochokehimbecauseitwasexactlythewayIwaslookingatherearlier.

Dirtybastard.
Ryanaskedthemwheretheyweregoing,andtheguystartedtalkingaboutsomeItalianplacehe

wasgonnatakeherto.Iwassurehehadlotsofplansuphissleeveforlater,too.Iwasontohimand
neededtolethimknowit.So,Isteppedoutintothelivingroom.

“She’salwayswantedtogotoTopoftheRock.”
Allheadsseemtoturnaroundatoncetolookinmydirection.

“Right,Nina?Youloveagoodviewfromthetopofaskyscraper.Ihearthesceneryisamazing,

andthefoodisgreat.”

Okay,sothatwasadickmove.
Ninaglaredatmeandwastednotimeintalkingherwayoutofmysuggestion.“Wecansavethat

foranothertime.IwasreallylookingforwardtothatItalianplace.”

Igavehimadarkenedstare,sizinghimupbeforewalkingforwardandreachingout.“Wehaven’t

met.I’mJake.”

Hegavemehishand,whichfelteasilybreakable.MaybethatwasbecauseIwaspractically

tryingtobreakit.Iwantedtobreakhim.

“I’mAlistair.”
“AssHair?”
Iheardhimthefirsttime.
“No…Ali-stair.”
“Ah…sorry,mybad.”
Ninawasquicktostopthislittleexchange.“Alistair,Ithinkweshouldgetgoing.”
Iwouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherasshegothercoatandpreparedtoleavewithhim.Myactions

wereafuckedupwayofshowingherthatIdidn’twanthertogo.

Then,sheturnedaroundonelasttimebeforeleaving,andwehadwhatcouldonlybeexplainedas

aprivatemomentwheretimeseemedtostandstill.Iexpectedthatmaybeshewouldhavelookedangry
afterthewayI’dbehaved.Instead,sheseemedtobeurgingmewithhereyes,urgingmetostopwhatever
itwasIwasdoing,urgingmetotalktoher,totellherhowIfelt.Thereweresomanyunsaidwordsinthat
onelook.Iknewshecouldseethroughmeandwhatmyanticswerereallyallabout.Jealousywasabitch,
andminewastransparent.Itfeltlikeapieceofmyheartwaswalkingoutthedoorasshepreparedto
leavewithhim.Myeyeswerescreamingamillionconflictingthingsbackather,allthethingsIdidn’t
havethecouragetotellher.

You’resobeautiful.
Nooneisgoodenoughforyou.
Pleasestay.
Stay…awayfromme.
“Bye,”Iwhispered,unsureifsheevennoticed.Intheblinkofaneye,ourmomentpassed,andshe

wasgone.Buttheaftermathofmyactionstonightwasfarfromover.

I’dreturnedtomyroomallofoneminutebeforeRyanwalkedinwithoutknocking.
“Whatthefuckwasthatallabout?”hespewed.
“Ryan!Please.Feelfreetojustbargeintomyroomwheneveryoulikeandshoutf-bombsatme.”
“Answermyquestion.”
“Whatwasthat?”
“WhatkindofagameareyouplayingwithNina?”
“Game?”
“Yes.You’vebeenspendingallthistimewithherundertheguiseoftutoring,playingwithher

mind.Then,youtakeoffeveryfuckingweekendprobablyuptosomeshadyshit.Now,theonetimeshe
actuallygoesoutwithanormalperson,youtrytofuckitallup.”

“Normalperson,huh?Whatdoesthatmakeme?”
“YouknowwhatImean.”
“No.Whydon’tyouenlightenmebeforeIvacuummyfuckingrugwithyourface?”
“Idon’treallyknowathingaboutyou,Jake,andIdon’tcare.Butthatgirlislikefamilytome,and

Idon’twanttoseehergethurt.”

“Whywouldshebegettinghurtbyspendingtimewithme?”

“She’snotyourtype,okay?She’sagoodgirl.”
“Andhowwouldyouknowmytype?”
“Forone,I’veseenyouwithDesiree.”
Fuck.Touché.
“Thatwasnothing.”
Helookeddownatthefloorthensighed.“Look,NinatoldTarahthatshe’sdevelopingfeelingsfor

you.I’mnotgonnasitbackandwatchhergetdestroyedbysomewomanizingasshole.”

Hisadmissionseemedtomelttheangerinsideofme.
Shehadfeelingsforme?
Fuck.Shereallydidhavefeelingsforme.
Itwasn’tallinmyhead.
“Youdon’tknowjackshitaboutme,Ryan,orhowIreallyfeelaboutthatgirl,”Icracked.
Tarahwalkedin.“Hey,what’sgoingoninhere?”
“Tellyourboytoytostopmakingassumptionsbeforehegetshisasskicked.”
ShelookedatRyan.“DoyoumindleavingmeandJakealoneforaminuteplease?”
Hedidn’tmoveuntilshegesturedherheadtowardthedoor.Then,hequietlyhuffedandexitedthe

room.

Ineededacigarettebadly.Itookoneoutandwalkedovertothewindowtosmoke.
“Youknow,youhaveareallyfunnywayofshowingNinahowyoufeelabouther.Whydon’tyou

justtellher?”

ThesmokeslowlystreamedoutofmynostrilsasIstayedstaringoutatthemidnightblueevening

sky.Myvoicewasbarelyaudible.“Ican’t.”

“Iseethewayyoulookather.Idon’tknowwhat’sholdingyouback,butIsuspectit’snot

somethingsmall.”

Understatementoftheyear.
Thisconversationwasborderingondangerous.Inmyperiphery,IcouldseeTarahwithherhead

ofshortblackhairtiltedandherarmscrossedasshewaitedformetosaysomething.Ithrewthecigarette
buttout.

Finally,Iturnedtoher.“Shereallyhasfeelingsforme?”
Tarahlookedbehindhershoulderasifparanoidsomeonewaslistening.“She’dkillme,Jake,if

sheknewIwastalkingtoyouaboutit.Butyes…shedoes.Shehasreallystrongfeelingsforyou,butI’m
prettysureshe’sgivingup,okay?There’sonlysomuchrejectionagirlcantakebeforeshehastomove
on.”

Rejection?Itwasresistance.
Iletoutadeepsighandrubbedmytemples.“Thankyou.I’dliketobealone,okay?”
TarahquietlyslippedoutoftheroomasIsatontheedgeofmybedwithmyphoneinmyhands.

TheurgetotellNinahowIfeltaboutherwasunbearable.Iwantedtotextherbutdidn’tknowwhatto
say.

Myfingersthenseemedtohavedevelopedamindoftheirownastheytyped.
Don’tgiveuponme,Nina.
Erase.
Comehome.Weneedtotalk.
Erase.
I’msorryIwasanasshole.
Erase.
Nina,Iwasajerktoyouandyourlittlefriend.
Send.

I’msorry.
Send.
AndtheBarneyjokewasstupid.
Send.
Actually,youlookedsofuckinghotinthatdress,itmademealittlecrazyinthehead.
Erase.
Actually,youlookedstunning.
Send.
IlaybackonthebedandshutmyphoneoffbeforeIcouldsayanythingfurther.Stayinghere

tonightinmycurrentmoodwouldn’thavebeengood.IfeltveryoutofcontrolandworriedIwouldn’tbe
abletoresistshowingherexactlyhowIfeltwhenshecamehome.Icouldeasilyseehercomingtomy
roomtotalk.Icouldmoreeasilyseemetakingheragainstthewallbeforethewordsevencameoutofher
mouth.

Overthenextfewminutes,wheneverIlookedatmybedroomwall,allIcouldseewasavisionof

fuckingheragainstituntilalloftherageinsideofmeexplodedintoherbody.

Fuck.Ireallyneededtogo.
IfIleftnow,I’dstillmakethelatetraintoBoston.
IwantedtoleavehersomethingsothatatleastsheknewIwasthinkingofher.
Itookoutmyconstructionpaperandfoldedapieceintoanorigamibat.EverytimeI’dstartto

writeamessage,I’dchangemymindandcrumpleit,havingtomakeanotherfromscratch.Ididthisafew
timesbutjustcouldn’tdecidewhattowrite.

Themoretimethatpassed,themoreIsecondguessedleaving.Whatifshecametotalktome?I’d

neverknow.Forsomereason,Ijusthadtoknowwhetherornotshe’dcometomyroomwhenshegot
home.

Then,abrilliantideacametomind.Imadeyetanotherbatandwroteinside:Lookingfor

someone?

Bunchingupsomeblankets,Iattemptedtomakeitappearlikeabodywasinsidemybed.Istuck

thebatinthemiddleofthepile,coveringitwithacomforterandstrategicallyplacedaRedSoxcap
peekingoutfromthetop.

Steppingback,Icrackedmyselfupbecauseitreallydidlooklikesomeonewassleepinginthere.

Imadeanoteofexactlyhoweverythingwasconfigured.Ifshemesseditupevenbyaninch,itwouldbe
obviousthatshecametoseeme.Attheveryleast,thethoughtoffreakingheroutwasamusing.Seeingthe
lookonherfacewouldhavebeenpriceless.

Itwasnowcompletelydarkout,andtherewasonlyasmallwindowtogettothetrainstationin

time.DesireewasexitingtherestaurantwhenIsteppedoutside.ItriedtopretendIdidn’tseeher.

“Jake!Waitup.”
Iturnedaround.“Hey,Desiree.”
“Longtimenosee.”
“Yeah.Iknow.I’vebeenprettybusy.”
Shegrabbedmyshirtandtuggedatitwithherlongpaintednails.“Ijustgotoffwork.Youwantto

hangout?”

Hangout.Right.
“I’mactuallyinarush.IhavetocatchthelasttraintoBoston.So…”
Sheleanedinandwhisperedinmyear,“I’mwearingthatthong…redlace…theoneyousaidyou

liked.”

Hersayingithadnoeffectonme.Ifthisweremonthsago,I’dhavelikelygoneupstairsandtaken

thatthongrightoffofher.Thethoughtofthatwasnowrepulsive.Itmademetrulyrealizehowdeeply

Ninahadgottenundermyskin,howstrongmyattractiontoherwas,bothphysicallyandemotionally.

“I’mgonnahavetopass.I’msorry.Ihopeyouhaveagoodweekend.”
Shelookeddumbfounded.IleftherstandingonthesidewalkasIjoggedacrossthestreettocatch

mytrain.

***

Thenextday,sunlightpouredthroughthewindowintheguestroomatmysister’shouse.Ireached

formyphoneandnoticedthatatextfromNinahadcomeinearlierthatmorning.

Yourbodyofblanketswasgettingprettylonelylastnight,soIstuffedmyrattybathrobein

therewithhim.Hopeyoudon’tmind.Ithinkthey’regettingalong.Theyhaven’tcomeoutyet.

Myribsachedfromlaughingsohard.Iwroteback.

Jake:That’swhatyougetforsneakingintomyroomagain.

Nina:Yougotme.YoumusthavegottentoBostonlate,huh?Whatareyourplansfortoday?

Mystomachsank.Couldyouimaginewhatthetruthwouldsoundlike?
I’llbespendingthedaywithmyschizophrenicwife,Ivy,meetingwithadoctoraboutsigning

offonanewtypeoftrialmedicationforherandfillingoutsomeinsuranceforms.MaybeifI’mlucky,
Ivywon’thaveaparanoidepisodeorsubsequentlytrytobeattheshitoutofme.I’llspendtheday
withherthencomehomelatetonight,getintobedandfantasizeabouteatingyououtwhileIjerkoff.

Ifigureditwasbesttokeepthattomyself.

Jake:Atmysister’s,familystuff,runningsomeerrands.

Nina:Soundsexciting.

ShewasdiggingforinfoandwouldhavetobecrazynottosuspectthatIwashidingsomething

fromher.Italwaysamazedmethatshewouldn’tprymorethanshedid.

Itoyedwiththeideaofaskingherhowthedatewentbutdidn’treallywanttohearitifshehada

goodtime.So,Ioptednottobringitup.

Jake:Whatareyouuptotoday?

Nina:StudyingandtryingoutanewrecipeIthinkyou’regonnalike.Youreallygotmeinto

bananas.

Jake:Don’tteaseme.

Nina:LOL.Whendoyoucomehome?

Jake:Theusual.LateSundaynight.

Nina:ThesemightbewaitingforyouwhenyougethereifIdon’tscrewthemup.

Apicturebegantoload.ItwasaphotooffrozenbananascoveredindarkGhirardellichocolate,

encrustedwithpistachionuts.Oh,man.

Jake:Thoselooksogood.Areyoutryingtokillme?

Nina:Maybeit’smywayofgettingbackatyouforlastnight.

ItwasunclearwhethershewasreferringtohowIactedtowardherdateormyblankettrick.

Jake:Well,it’sworking.You’remakingmewanttocomehomerightnow.

Forwaymorethanjustthebananas.

Nina:Seeyouwhenyougethome.

Home.Itreallyfeltmorelikehometherethaniteverusedto.

Jake:Seeyousoon,Nina.

Mysister’svoicevaguelyregistered.“Jake…”
Stilllookingdownatmyphone,Imuttered,“Huh?”
“Whowereyoutextingjustnow?I’vebeenstandingheretryingtogetyourattentiontoseeifyou

wanttocometobreakfastatthedinerwithus.Youdidn’tevennoticemebecauseyouweretoobusy
grinninglikeafoolforthelongesttime.”

“Itwasnoone.”
Allisonsatattheedgeofmybed.“Lookatyou.Yourface.You’relying!Whowasit?”Shetied

herlongdarkhairupintoabunandbouncedupanddowntauntingly.Hergreeneyeswereidenticalto
mine;itwaskindoffreaky.

“Al,don’tdothistome.YouknowIcan’tlietoyouforshit.”
“UncleJakesaid‘shit!’”Myseven-year-oldniece,Hannah,camerunningintotheroomand

jumpedonthebedtotackleme.

“Oof,girl.You’regettin’big!”
“Hannah,don’trepeatthatwordagain,”Allisonsaid.
Myotherniece,Hannah’stwin,Holly,rantowardmeafewsecondslater,andbothgirlswere

gigglingandcrawlingallovermeasItickledthem.

“Girls,getoffyouruncleandgoputyoursneakerson.We’releavinginfiveminutestogoget

pancakes.”

Thegirlshoppedoffofmeinunisonandranoutoftheroomjustasfastastheycamein.Allyou

hadtodowasmentionfood,andthatwasusuallytheirreaction.Icouldhearmybrother-in-law,Cedric,
yellingatthemforjumpingdownthestairs.

IstayedlyingonthebedwithmyarmscrossedbehindmyheadasIlookedupattheceiling.
Shewasn’tgoingtoletmeoffthehook.“So,answermyquestion.”
“HernameisNina.”
“Nina…that’spretty.Whoisshe?”
“She’smyroommate.”

“Isshecute?”
“Whydoyouneedtoknow?”
“Answerthequestion.”
“Yes,she’spretty.”Iclosedmyeyesbriefly,picturingherface.“She’s…beautiful.”
“Youlikeher…”
“Al…”
“What’ssobadaboutthat?”
“Don’taskquestionsyouknowtheanswerto.”
“DoyouknowwhenthelasttimeIsawyousmilelikethatwas?”
“No,Idon’t.
“NeitherdoI,becauseIdon’tthinkI’veeverseenyousmilelikethat.”
Isatupsuddenlytoavoidtheinquisition.“I’vegottogetgoingtoIvy’s.”
“Youcan’tjoinusforaquickbreakfast?”
“No.Ioverslept,andIhavetomeetwiththisdoctorateleven,”Isaid,lookingaroundformy

clothes.

“Youdeservetobehappy,Jake.Youknowthat,right?”
Ignoringher,Ithrewonashirtandputmywatchon.
Shecontinued,“Thisgirl…doesshelikeyou?”
Mytonewascurt.“Thatdoesn’tmatter.Shedoesn’tknowaboutIvy.Ifsheknew,shewouldfreak

thefuckout.”

“Youdon’tknowthatforafact.Shemightunderstand.”
“Orshemightwantnothingtodowithme,whichisamuchmorelikelyscenario.”Itwasn’tmy

intentiontoshout.“Plus,I’vealreadyliedtoherbynotmentioningIvyforsolong.That,initself,makesit
evenworse.”

“Whydoesshethinkyoutakeoffeveryweekend?”
Iletoutasingleangrylaugh.“Honestly?Ican’timaginethescenariosrunningthroughherhead.

Eithersheknowssomethingisup,orshethinksI’mjustthisweirdguythatcan’tgoaweekwithoutseeing
hissister.”

Shestuckhertongueoutandthrewapillowatme.“Wouldthatbetheworstthingintheworld?”

***

Thewindoutsidehowled,shakingthewindowthatIvywaslookingoutofwhenIenteredher

room.Shedidn’tbothertoturnaround.“You’relate.”

“I’msorry.IcalledyouthismorningandtoldyouIwasmeetingwithyourdoctorathisoffice

beforecominghere.HecameinonaSaturdayjusttomeetwithmeandthinksthere’sanewtrialdrugthat
mightmakeyoufeelbetter.Heneededtotalktomeaboutit,okay?”

“What’sthepoint?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Nothingevermakesmefeelbetter.”
“We’retryingtochangethat.”
“Theonlythingthatmakesmefeelbetterisyou,Jake,andyou’relate!”
Ivyhadadozendifferentmoodsthatrangedfromcoherenttocompletelyoutofit.Themoodshe

wasinatthismomentwasoneofthehardesttodealwithbecausewhileagitated,shewasveryawareof
things,whichinturnmadeherdepressedandangry.

Ivypattedthebed.“Liewithme.”
Shemovedovertooneside,andIgotin,kickingmyfeetupandreachingfortheTVremote.We’d

beenwatchingModernMarvelsontheHistoryChannelforaboutahalf-hourwhenIfeltherhandsliding
alongmythighandmovingclosetomycrotch.Mybodytensed.VeryrarelydidIvytrytotouchmelike
that,whichwaswhyIdidn’tthinktwiceaboutgettinginthebedwithher.Themajorityofthetime,she
didn’tliketomakecontactwithanyoneorbetouchedingeneralbecauseshewasalwaysconvinced
peopleweretryingtohurther.

Butonceinabluemoon,she’dgetintoacertainmoodwhereshe’dwantsexandcomeontome.
Outofeveryscenariowithher,thisonekilledmethemost.Ijustdidn’tviewIvythatway

anymore,plainandsimple.Itwashardformetoexplainitinawaythatwouldn’tbedevastatingtoherin
hertemporarilyclearstateofmind.EvenifIwerephysicallyattractedtoher,itwouldhavebeen
irresponsibletosleepwithsomeonewhowasnotsanethemajorityofthetime.

Backintheearlydays,whenhersymptomswerefirststartingtodevelop,she’dsometimesgetan

episodeinthemiddleofintercourseandstartscreamingformetogetoffofher.Itmademeshudderjust
thinkingaboutthatnow.

WhenItookherhandandmoveditoffofmydick,shesaid,“Please.”
“No.”
“Ijustwanttofeelyouinsideofmeagain,Jake.”
Iimmediatelygotupandrubbedmytemplesthentookadeepbreathtocomposemythoughts.

“Youknowwedon’tdothatanymore,Ivy.”

“Whynot?”
“Becausealongtimeago,whenyougotsick,wedecideditwasn’tagoodidea.Remember?

We’vetalkedaboutthisbefore.”Wehad…countlesstimes.

“Youstoppedlovingme.”
Myheadwaspounding.“That’snottrue.Ijustloveyouinaverydifferentwaynow.”
“Ifyoulovemeatall,whywon’tyoumakelovetome?”
“Ivy,please…”
Shestartedtocry.Itdidn’tmatterhowmanytimeswe’dhadthisconversationorhowmanytimes

shecriedinfrontofme,itnevergoteasier,anditneverwould.Andnaturally,apartofmedidfeelguilty
becauseIwastechnicallyherhusband.Iwouldn’thavewishedthiswholesituationonmyworstenemy.

Afterahalf-hourofsilence,Ivyaskedmetogooutandgethersometakeout.BythetimeI

returnedtothegrouphomewithChinese,shewaschain-smoking,callingmeSamandfalselyaccusingme
oftakingsolongbecauseIwaslacingthefoodwithcyanide.

Atleastinherdelusionalstate,shewasn’tcryinganymore.Sometimes,itwasjusteasiertodeal

withthingswhenshewasn’tasaware.Thereliefthatcamefromthatthoughtmademefeelguilty.

Laterthatnight,myphonechimedasIwasthrowingawaytheStyrofoamfoodcontainersinthe

kitchen.ItwasapicturetextfromNinadepictingthechocolate-dippedbananasshe’dmadeforme.

Talkaboutmytwoworldscolliding.

CHAPTER8

Present

“Wow,man.That’ssomefuckedupshit.”
Iheldupmybeerbottleinasalute.“Welcometomylife,Mitch.”
Skylartriedtolightenthemood.“Letmeguess.YouwenthomethatSundaynight,ateNina’snutty

bananasandthankedherwiththedagger?”

“Notexactly.Wait…whatdidyousay?Dagger?”
Shecoveredherfaceinlaughter.“Sorry…Ninasortofnamedyour—youknow—yearsago.That’s

whatsheusedtocallit.”

“Thedagger?Really?”
“Youshouldtakeitasacompliment.”
Mitchreachedforsomepeanutsonthecoffeetable.“That’sprettyimpressive.”Henudgedher.

“What’smynickname?”

Thebabystartedcrying.“Savedbythebell.”Skylarwalkedovertotheplaypeninthecorner.

“Hangon…berightback.IwanttoheartherestofJake’sstory.”

IcheckedmyphonetoseeifNinahadtextedagainthenwenttothekitchentograbacoupleof

beersforMitchandme.WhenIreturnedtothelivingroom,Ihandedonetohimandsaid,“Hey,Bitch,I
thoughtIheardthegirlstalkingaboutyourcockonce,too.Whatwasitagain,Skylar?TheSlimReaper?”

“Goodone,”hesaid.“Actually,I’mprettysureit’smorelikeTheBoneRanger.”
SkylarcuddledMitchJr.inthecrookofherarm.Hisfuzzybrownhairwasstickingupinall

directions.AgnawingfeelingdevelopedinsidemeasIlookedattheirbeautiful,healthybaby.Itreminded
mealltoowellthatNinaandIhadn’tbeenabletogiveA.J.alittlebrotherorsister.Thestressof
infertilityhadbeentakingitstollonusinrecentmonths,too.

Skylarinterruptedmythoughts.“So,Jake,continuethestory.Iwanttogettothegoodparts.”
“Okay,well…NinawasstillworkingreallyhardatstudyingandendedupgettingtwomoreA’s.I

couldn’tbelieveit.Shecompletelythrewoffmymasterplantotakeheronahelicopterrideoverthecity.
I’dbeendyingtotakeherupthere.”

“Shewouldhavehatedthat.”
“Iknow.”Isnickered.“Itwouldhavebeenawesome.”
“Thereweren’tanymoreexcursions?”sheasked.
“Notuntillater.”
“So,thingsjustkeptgoingthewaytheywere…”
“Onenight,thingsgotprettyintense.NinafinallytoldmeaboutJimmy.”
SkylarlookedatMitchandwhispered,“Herbrotherthatdied.”
“Yeah,”Isaidundermybreath.“I’dalwaysseenthepictureofthetwooftheminherroomand

assumedhewasalive.Shenevertalkedabouthimuntilshestartedcryingoutoftheblueduringoneofour
studysessions.I’drolledsomediceforamathlesson,anditremindedherofagamesheusedtoplay
withhimwhenhewassick.Thatwasallittook.”

“Whatdidhehaveagain?”Mitchasked.
“Leukemia,”Isaid.

SkylarandMitchgaveeachotheralook,knowingthisconversationwouldbringupmemoriesof

Skylar’sownbattlewithlymphoma.

Icontinued,“Ninacarriedalotofguiltbecauseshestoppedgoingtoseehimatthehospitalright

beforehedied.Shecouldn’thandleseeinghimsufferanymore.Afterhepassedaway,shelivedwiththat
guiltforyears.”LookingupagainatthepictureofpregnantNinaonthewall,Ithoughtbacktothatnight.
“So,anyway,thatwaswhenIfirstopeneduptoheraboutlosingmyfatherwhenIwasfive.Ishowedher
someofmydrawingsofhim.Werealizedthatwebothsufferedtremendouslossesatayoungage.Itwas
justonemorethingthatbondedmetoher.”

Mitchnodded.“Wasthatthenightyoufirstkissed?”
“Unfortunately,no.ButthatwasthenightImadeamajorassofmyself.”
“Whathappened?”
“Afterthatemotionalconversationinmyroom,Idecideditwouldbeagoodideaifwewentout

andgotshitfaced.”

Helookedstunned.“Youmanagedtonotkissherevenwhileshitfaced?Ijustcan’tbelieveyou

wereabletokeepyourcontrollikethat.”

“Oh,believeme.There’snotmuchlongertothatsideofthestory,myfriend.”

CHAPTER9

Past

Ichuckledtomyself.Ninacouldseriouslythrowdown.Iwatchedassheateeverylastbitofmeat

offaChinesechickenwing.Itwaslikewatchingoneofthosehotdogeatingconteststhatwerealways
inevitablywonbysomeskinnydude.

WewereatKungPaoKaraoke,aChineserestaurantandkaraokebarI’dgonetooneprevious

timewithsomeco-workers.WehadorderedaPuPuPlatterthathadanassortmentofappetizers.There
wasn’tamorselleftbythetimewegotdonewithit.

Mymoodalsocouldn’thavebeenbetterbecauseNinaadmittedthatherdatewithAlistairwasa

dud.

Hellyeah.
AfewnewdiscoveriesweremadeaboutNinathatnight.One:shelovedtoeat.Two:shewasa

majorlightweightwhenitcametoalcohol.Three:Herex-boyfriendhadaname:Spencer.

“So…Spencer…washeyourlastboyfriend?”
“Yeah.Webrokeupalittleoverayearago.Inretrospect,itwasthebestthingthateverhappened

tome.BesidesthefactthatIfoundouthecheatedonme,hedidnothingbutcriticizeme.”

Thatwasadoublewhammy.Tohearthatshe’dbeencheatedonandthathe’dtreatedherlikecrap

mademewanttohunthimdown.Thealcoholfromthemassivescorpionbowlwe’dbeensharingwas
goingtomyheadandintensifyingmyreactiontoeverywordcomingoutofhermouth.Itwasalso
intensifyingmyreactiontohermouthitself.Icouldn’tseemtotakemyeyesoffofit.

“Whatdoyoumeancriticize?”Mybloodwasbeginningtoboil.“Whatkindsofthingsdidhesay

toyou?”

Shelookeddown,hesitanttoanswerme.“Let’ssee…whatdidn’thesay?Forone,hehadno

toleranceatallformyanxietyissues.Hewouldjustmakefunofmeinsteadoftryingtounderstandthe
condition.Andhecriticizedmybodyanychancehegot.”

FuckingA.ThisgirlhadthesexiestbodyI’deverseeninreallife.Onanygivenday,itwasa

struggleformetokeepfromexpressingthattoherandtokeepfromshowingherhowIactuallyfeltabout
it.Howcouldanyoneleadhertobelievethattherewassomethingwrongwiththewayshelooked?

“Hecriticizedyourbody.”
“Yeah…allthetime.”
“Really…”
“Yes.HetoldmeIwasn’tathletic-lookingenough,thatIcouldstandtolosetenpoundsandthat

myasswastoobig.”

Ninadidn’tseeit,anditwastoonoisytohear,butIcrackedawoodenchopstickunderthetable.

Listeningtothisbullshitwasmakingmesoangry.Herasswastoobig?Herasswasphenomenal.A
thousandsymphoniesplayedinmyheadwheneverIlookedatthatassforfuck’ssake.HowcouldI
explaintoherhowwronghewaswithoutadmittingmytruefeelings?

“Nina…Ihopeyoudon’tmindmebeingblunt.”
“Idon’tmind.”
“This…Spencer…needshiseyescheckedandhisasskicked.Thereisnothingwrongwithyour

body…notonething.Ihopeyoudidn’tlistentohim.”

Whensheadmittedtobelievinghiminthepast,Inearlylostit.
“Nina…”Istoppedmyselfandtookadeepbreath.Iquietlygrabbedthelastchopstickand

crackedthatoneunderthetable,too.(I’dneedtofindsomethingelsetodestroyifIhadtokeepholding
mythoughtsatbaylikethis.)“Nevermind.Justknow…thathewaswrong,okay?”

“Saywhatyouweregonnasay.”
“I’mnotsurethatIshould.”
“Sincewhenhaveyoubecometactful?”
“Sincethisconversationmovedtotitsandass.”
Shelookedamused.Sonicethatshefounditfunny,becauseIwasdeadserious.Itwastaking

everythinginmenottotellherhowIfelt,thatshewasthemostbeautifulwomanintheworldtome.

“Seriously,whateveryouweregoingtosay,Iwon’tbeoffended.”
Offended?Shit!Shehaditallwrong.Ineededtorectifythis.Everythingcamepouringoutofme

atthatpointlikeprojectilevomit.

“Okay…inthatcase,Nina,notjustasyourfriend,butasaman,Iamtellingyoustraightupthat

youhaveanamazingbody.It’sperfect.Andyournimrodex-boyfriendwasrightaboutonething:youdo
kindofhaveabigass.”

Okay.Sothatdidn’tcomeoutexactlyright.Iwasbuzzed.
“Excuseme?”
MyheartwaspoundingasIreachedacrossthetabletotouchherarm.“Letmefinish.Youkindof

haveabigass…butit’sthemostspectacularassI’veeverseen.Youhaveanhourglassshape,andany
manwithapulseknowsthat’sthehottestkindthereis.You’rebeautiful,andwhatmakesyouevenmore
attractive,isthatyouhaveabsolutelynofuckingideajusthowbeautifulyoureallyare.”

Iletoutaslow,deepbreath.ItwasthemosthonestthingI’deversaidtoher,andeverywordwas

thetruth.Shejustlookedatmewiththeslightestbashfulsmileonherfaceandseemedlikeshereally
wantedtosaysomething.Shetookalongsipofthedrinkthenfinallysaid,“Thankyou.”

“You’rewelcome.”
Youhavenoidea.
Wesilentlywatchedacoupleofthekaraokeacts.JustassomeguynamedLarry,wholookedlike

hewasonpsychedelicdrugs,startedbeltingoutJessie’sGirlbyRickSpringfield,Ninagotuptogotothe
bathroom.Iwatchedhereverymoveasshewalkedaway.Sheturnedaroundbriefly,andIlaughedto
myself,realizingshewasprobablyparanoidIwascheckingoutherass,whichIabsolutelywasuntilit
wascompletelyoutofsight.

Therewasabreakinperformances,andthestagewasemptyforthefirsttimeallnight.Anidea

poppedintomyhead,andImademywayovertotheDJbooth.

RumpShakerbyWreckx-N-Effectstartedplayinginmyhead,andIwonderedifNinawouldget

thejokeifIgotupandsangit.Ijustwantedtoshowherhowdumbherexwas,andsingingasongabout
bigassesseemedtobethemostfittingideaatthemoment.Atleast,mydrunkbrainthoughtso.

Ididn’tthinkIcouldpullRumpShakeroff,though.
“Whatsongsdoyouhaveaboutbigasses?”
“TheseHumpsbyBlackEyedPeas?”hesuggested.
“Whatelse?”
“HonkyTonkBadonkadonkbyTraceAdkins?”
“Ugh…anythingelse?”
“WhataboutFatBottomedGirlsbyQueen?”
Yes.Effingbrilliant.Perfect,infact.
“Let’sgowiththatone.”
“Wannagonext?There’snooneinline.”

Shit.DidIreallywanttodothis?Hellyes,Idid.Makingherlaughwaswaymoreimportantthan

makingafooloutofmyself.

IwaitedwiththemicrophoneinhanduntilIsawNinareturntoourbooth.Shelookedconfused

andstartedlookingaroundforme.

Iclearedmythroat.
“What’syourname?”theDJasked.
Ispokeintothemic,“Spencer.”
Nina’sjawdroppedwhenshenoticedmeonstage,andshecoveredhermouthwithherhand.
“Whatareyousinging,Spencer?”
Iwhisperedtohimtolowermyvolumealittlebecauseitwasobnoxiouslyloud.
“ThisisaspecialsongforNina.Pleaseforgivemeforbeingsuchanassgoblin.”
Shelookedaroundinembarrassment.Thelookonherfacewaspricelessashermoutheventually

curvedintoahugesmile.

Oncethemusicstarted,Ireallygotintoit,movingmyheadtothebeatandtappingmyfeet.My

eyesalternatedbetweenthewordsontheteleprompterandNina’sface.Shewaswipingtearsfromher
eyes.Theywerehappytears.Myplanwasworking.

Ivaguelynoticedabunchofwomeninthefrontrowwhistlingatmeandshoutingsomevulgarshit

asmyhipsswayed.MymindwastoofocusedonNina’sbeautifulsmiletocare.Whenyou’reonstage,the
brightlightsmakeeverythingoutintheaudiencelookdark.Forsomereason,Ninajustglowedinthe
midstofitall.Herhair,hereyes,hersmilewereallIcouldsee,allIwantedtosee.

ThepeopleinthecrowdwerereallygettingintomyrenditionofFatBottomedGirlsandwere

nowclappinginunison.Someladieswerestandingupandshakingtheirassesaround.Itwasahotmess.

Sweatsoakedthroughthebackofmyshirt,aresultofthehotstagelights.Whenthesongfinished,

Igrabbedanapkinanduseditonmyforehead.Ninagavemeastandingovationasshewipedhereyes.

AcoupleofgirlsstoppedmeasIwasheadingbacktoourbooth.Iwastryingnottoberudebut

reallyjustwantedtogettoNina.BeforeIblewthemoff,oneofthegirlshandedmeherphonenumber,
whichwasaprettydesperatemove.IknewNinasawitbecausemyeyeshadbeenonherthewholetime.
Iwashopingshedidn’tthinkIaskedforit.IlaterdumpeditintotheleftoverflamesfromourPuPu
PlattertoshowherjusthowlittleIcaredaboutthosedigits.Ihadtoquestionmyactions,though.What
wasItryingtoprovewhenIshouldhavebeensteeringherawayfrommeinsteadofmakingitobvious
thatIonlyhadeyesforher?

Whileourtimeatthekaraokerestaurantwascomingtoaclose,thenightwasjustbeginningwhen

itcametofendingoffmyfeelingsforher.EventheGodswerejokingaboutitonmybehalf.

“Aren’tyougonnaopenyourfortune?Taketheonefacingyou.That’stheonemeantforyou.I’ll

gofirst,”Ninasaid.Shecrackedoneopenanddiscardedthecookie.“Whenonedoorcloses,another
opens.”

Sheseemedtobeponderingwhatthatmeant.Mythinkingwas…it’sadamncookie.Don’ttakeit

seriously.

Until…
“Yourturn,”shesaid.
Igrabbedmycookieandsplititopen.Withoutevenreadingit,Ijoked,“Big-buttgirlmakeman

smile.”

Ninagiggled.“Nosir!”
“I’mkidding.I’mkidding.”
“Whatdoesitreallysay?”
Thesmileonmyfacedisappearedprettyquicklyasthewordsontheslipofpaperregistered.
Nowisthetimetomakeamove.

IfIdidn’tknowbetter,Iwouldhavethoughtthiscookiewasbustingmyballs.Therewasnodoubt

thatunderthecircumstances,thatmessageseemedmadeforme.Ijustdidn’tknowwhattodowithit.

Ninakeptinnocentlylookingatmewaitingforareply.
Icoughed.“Nowisthetimetomakeamove.”
Shenoddedslowlyforthelongesttimebeforesaying,“Interesting.”
“Itis…veryinteresting.”
HereyeswerefixatedonmymouthasIscrapedmytongueringagainstmyteeth,somethingIdida

lotwhenIbecameanxious.Wewerebothdefinitelyfeelingquitehappyafterpolishingoffthescorpion
bowl.Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffherandwasprobablymakingmyattractionwaymoreobviousthan
normalbecauseofmyinebriatedstate.

***

Theweatheroutsidewastentimescolderthanithadbeenearlierintheevening.Ninawasonly

wearingalightjacket.Therewerenocabsinsight,sowedecidedtowalkuntilwecameacrossone.

Icouldseemybreath.“So,didyouhavefun?”
“MorethanIhaveinalongtime.”Herteethchatteredasshespoke.
“Good.I’mgladyoutookmylittleperformanceforwhatitwas,andIhopeyouknowImeant

everythingIsaidtonight.”

“Thankyou.”Shesmiled.“Iwassobrokenupovermybrotherearlier,andonceagain,you

managedtoturnamiserablemomentformeintosomethingcrazygood.”

Thelookoftrustinhereyescutthroughme.
I’mgoingtoendupdevastatingyou.
Thealcoholhadloosenedmyinhibitions,sowhenshestartedtoshiver,Ididn’tthinktwiceabout

rubbingmyhandsvigorouslyalongthetopsofherarmstowarmheraswewalked.Whileweweren’t
totallysloshed,wewerebothdefinitelyundertheinfluence,andthatmademewaryaboutwhatmight
happenwhenwegothome.AsmuchasI’dvowednottoletanythingtranspirebetweenus,Ineverfully
trustedmyselfwithher.Nottomention,we’dneverbeenalmost-wastedtogether.

Eventhoughitwasacoldnight,thestarswereshiningbrightlyinthesky.Shelookedupaswe

werewalking.“Lookhowcleartheskyis,howprettythestarsaretonight.Itmakesyouwanttojustreach
upandtouchthem,”shesaid.

Idon’tknowwhatpossessedmetosay,“Someofthemostbeautifulthingsarethosewecanonly

enjoyfromafar.Theunattainabilitymakestheattractionmoreintense.”

Yes,I’mtalkingaboutyou.
“So,ifthestarsweresomethingwecouldeasilytouch,theywouldn’tbesofascinating?”she

asked.

“I’mnotsureaboutthat.WhatIdoknowistherearesomemagnificentthingsthatarebeautifulbut

thatalsocanhurtyouifyougettooclose.Thesunisanexample.Itcanburn.”

Nothingliketalkingincodewhiledrunk.
“Likefire…”shesaid.
Fire.
Me.
SheknewwhatIwasgettingat.
Ibarelynoticedthatwe’dstoppedwalking.Ilookedstraightintohereyesandwhispered,“Like

fire.”

Thecitymovedaroundusaswestoodstillfacingeachotherinthemiddleofthesidewalk.
“Sometimes,ifyou’rewillingtowithstandalittlepaininlife,youmightdiscoverapleasurethat

youneverwouldhaveotherwiseknownexisted.Rememberthatsaying,Jake?Youtaughtmethat,”she
saidassheslowlymovedinclosertome,ourbreathminglingtogetherinthefrigidair.“Somethings
mightbeworthgettingburnedfor.”

Shedefinitelywasn’treferringtosunorfire,either.Shewastryingtosendmeamessage,too,and

Ihearditloudandclear.SheknewIwashidingsomethingbutwaswillingtotakeachance.
Unfortunately,Ninahadnocluehowbadthetruthreallywas,andIwasn’tquitereadytodivulgeitand
risklosingheraltogetherjustyet.

Acabfinallyapproachedus.IfIthoughtgettingintothatcarwasgoingtomakethingslesstense,I

couldn’thavebeenmorewrong.

Weslippedintothebackseat,andherlegpressedupagainstmine.Whenthecabmadeasudden

turn,shefellrightintome.Myentirebodyfrozeupbecauseshestayedthere,herheadonmychest.My
tormentedheartpoundedfuriously.Staringblanklyoutofthewindow,Itriedmybesttoignoreallofthe
sensationsbuildinginsideofme.Withherscentandthewarmthofherbody,itwasimpossibletofightmy
arousal.Mydickwasrockhard,andifshemovedatall,she’dfeelit.IwishedIcouldhavepulledher
ontomylaptoshowherexactlyhowmuchIwantedher.Atonepoint,sheplacedherhandonmychest
rightovermyheartthatwasbeatingamileaminute.

Now,Ninaknewwhatshewasdoingtome.Ifshedidn’t,she’dfigureitoutinmybedroomlater

thatnight.

CHAPTER10

Past

Icouldn’tsleep.Mymindwouldn’tstoprehashingwhathappenedinthatcabwithNina.
Get…yourshit…together.
Asifnowoman’severtouchedyoubeforelikethat?Thetruthwas,nowomanhadevermademe

feelthewayshejustdidinthattaxi.

Keepingitinthefriendzonewasstartingtowearonme.Tonightprovedthatthesefeelingswere

beyondmycontrol.IttookeveryounceofstrengthIhadtoholdback,andiftheridewereanylonger,I
wouldhavelostit.

Hermouthhadbeenjustinchesfrommine.Hersoftfingertipswerecaressingmychest,andI

couldfeelherbreathingonme…sweet,soft,littlebreaths.Myhearthadbeenbeatingfasterthanarabbit
inheat,andshefeltthat.Iwonderedifshefeltmydickthrobbing,too.

IcouldonlyimaginewhatshemusthavebeenthinkingasIsattherefrozenlikeafuckingmummy

whilesheleanedagainstme.IfI’dletmybodyrelaxanddowhatitwantedto,therewouldhavebeenno
goingback.AndIcouldn’tdothattoher.Notuntilsheknewwhatshe’dreallybegettingherselfintowith
me.Shedeservedbetter.

Earlier,whenweexitedthecab,Ihadaskedhertowalkaheadofme,tryingtobuysometimeto

talkmydickdown.ItwaspracticallysalutingherwhenIwishedhergoodnightandwalkedbacktomy
room.

Ijustneededtogetsomesleepandmovepastthis.ButasItossedandturned,allIcouldthink

aboutwassaying“fuckitall”andbustingthroughherbedroomdoor.

Iwonderedwhatshewaswearing.
Gotosleep.
IreallyhadtousethebathroombuthadbeenputtingitoffbecauseIcouldn’teventrustmyselfto

gostraighttherewithouttakingadetourtoherroom.

WhenIfinallycouldn’tholditanymore,Iwalkedouttothehallandnoticedthattherewasnolight

comingfromunderherdoor.Asenseofreliefcameovermebecauseiftherehadbeenlight,Imighthave
beentemptedtoknock.

Knockherboots.
Getyourmindoutthegutter!
AfterItookalongpiss,Iwasleavingthebathroomwhenhersoftbreastsknockedrightintomy

chest.

“Whoa!Areyouokay?”Iasked,rubbingmythumbovertheskinofherforehead.
Imadethemistakeoflookingdownandnoticedshewaswearingalacetanktopsosmall,it

lookedlikeoneofthosethingsmygrandmotherhadonhercoffeetableunderthecandlesticks.Adoily?I
hadtoprymyeyesupward.

“Yeah…I’mfine.Sorry,Ididn’tthinktocheckifyouwereinhere.Thelightinyourroomwason,

soIassumedyouwereinthere,”shesaid.

Ileanedagainstthesinkandcrossedmyarms.“Whatareyoustilldoingup?”
“Ican’tsleep,soIcameinheretopee.”
Sheflashedmethecutestsmile.Ilovedhersmile.God,shewasbeautiful.Iwantedtokissher.

Wait…sheneededtopee.Thatwasyourcuetoleave.Move,drunkass.
“Oh…well,Ishouldprobablyletyoudothat,”Isaid,backingawayfromthesink.
Shelaughed.“Yeah,probably.”
“Right…”Isaidbeforewalkingoutandclosingthedoor.
Itookmyhandtomyhead,shootinganimaginarypistolatmybrainasIwalkedbacktomyroom.
Iintentionallyleftmydooropen.Itwasabadidea,butapartofmejustwantedhertocomeinto

myroom.Maybewecouldtrythatspooningthingagain.

WhothefuckwasIkidding?
Igrabbedmylaptop,sothatitwouldlooklikeIwasdoingsomethingotherthanwaiting

impatientlytogetanotherlookatherbeautifultitsinthattop.WhyIwantedtotorturemyselfwhenI
couldn’treallyhaveherwasbeyondme.

Whensheappearedatthedoorway,Iclosedmylaptop.Myheartpoundedfasterwitheachstep

Ninatooktowardme.Ibreathedasighofreliefwhenshestoppedandsatatthefarendofmybed.

Good.Stayfarawayfromme,Nina.
Isatupstraighter.“Howwasyourpee?”
“Fantastic.”
Icouldn’tevenrecallwhatIsaid…somethinglike,“goodtohear”asmyeyesbetrayedmybrain’s

betterjudgmentandwandereddowntoherchest.Icouldhaveswornhernippleswerehardeningbythe
secondandnow,sowasmydick.Mymouthwaswatering.Allshehadtodowaslookdownandshe’d
seehowmuchIwantedher.

“Whatwereyoulookingat?”sheasked.
Shit.
Busted.
Speak!
Ishookmyhead.“Huh?”
“Onyourlaptop.”
Phew.
“Oh…onmylaptop.Right.Justuselesssurfing.”
Shegrinned.“Isee.”
Oureyeswerelockedoneachotheraswejustsatthere,andthistime,Iwastransfixedbywhat

lieaboveherneck.Lookingintoherblueeyeswaslikegazingatacalmocean.Mystaredidn’tbreak
untilthebednextdoorstartingsqueaking.

Friggin’RyanandTarahhavingsex.
Well,thatwasawkward.Saysomethingtobreaktheice,Jake.Whileyou’reatit,breakapiece

offandrubitoveryourdicktocoolitdown.

Iclearedmythroatandaskedsarcastically,“Youthinkthey’rehavingsex?”
Nina’scheekswererosyasshelookeddown.Shewassostinkingadorable.“Shouldwejust

pretendit’snothappening?”

“Yeah.Youwannadoamathlesson?”
“Sure.”
“Let’ssee…wecantalkabouttheprobabilityofsixty-nine,”Ijoked.
Sheblushedevenmore.“Iwouldsaybasedonthatnoise,it’sveryhigh.”
Webothstartedtolaugh,butallIcouldfocusonwasthefactthatsheactuallyknewwhatsixty-

ninemeant.Sweet,innocentgirl…withadirtymind.AndIthoughtIcouldn’twanthermorethanIalready
did.

Thenoisesfromnextdoorstopped,butthesilencethatfollowedwasevenmoreunbearable.
Ilookedupather,andshebattedhereyelashesatme.Shewantedme,too.Thatwasclearand

makingthissomuchharder.

Istartedpickingatthelintonmycomfortertodistractmyselffromtheneedbuildinginsideofme.

Itreallywasn’tworkingbecausemymindstartedgoinginadifferentdirection.AllIcouldthinkabout
waswhetherornotshewasavirgin.Eventhoughshewasprobablytoooldtohavenothadsex,shegave
offavibeofpurityandsexualnaivety.Maybeifshewereavirgin,itwouldhelpconvincelittleJake
downtherethatthingscouldn’tgoanyfurtheranyway,regardlessofmyholdingback.

Itwasagainstmybetterjudgment,butIsaiditanyway.“Ibetthatprickex-boyfriendofyours

suckedinbed.”

Shelookedshockedatmyassertion.Afterafewseconds,shesaid,“Actually,hedid…big-time.”
Okay.Questionanswered.
MybodywentrigidasIsatupstraighter.“So,youhavehadsex.”
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Shelaughednervously.
“See,nowI’vemadeyoublush.I’msorry.Youjuststrikemeasacertainkindofgirl.”
“Whatkindofgirlisthat?”
“It’snothingbad.Just…innocent…maybeavirgin.”Ilookedupattheceiling.WhatthefuckdidI

getmyselfintowiththisconversation?Justtellherthetruth.“Thekindofgirlthatguyslikemearedying
tocorrupt.”

Shewasn’tsayinganything.Themoodshiftedagainandgreweventenser.Ibackedawayagainst

theheadboardtokeepmydistancebecausemywillpowerwasdwindlingfast.

Then,sheclearedherthroat.“Well,inanswertoyourquestion…yes,Ihavehadsex,butitwas

justwithhim.”

“Hewasyouronly,andhesuckedinbed?That’sunfortunate.”
“Yeah.Itwasunfortunate.Ineverevenactually…youknow…withhim.”
“Youneverwhat?”Iasked.AsIlookedatherexpression,whatshemeantsuddenlydawnedon

me.Mysmilefaded.Holyshit.No.Myvoicewentlowindisbelief.“Younevercame?Younevereven
hadanorgasm?”

Sheshookherhead.“Notfromanotherperson.”
WhateverreserveIhadbuiltupwasdestroyedinthatmomentasimagesofNinatouchingherself

floodedmybrain.Allofthebloodinmybodyrushedstraighttomydick.

Istartedattackingthelintonmycomforteragainasifthatweregoingtohelp.Mydickwas

completelyhardnow,andtherewasnowheretorunandnothingIcoulddo.EitherIwaslookingather
beautiful,wantingeyes,hardnipplesorthinkingabouthergettingherselfoff.Itwasablueballstrifecta.

MycocktwitchedasIimaginedhereyesclosed,spreadeagle,clitglistening,pleasuringherself.

Whatdidshethinkaboutinthatprettylittleheadofherswhenshedidit?Iwantedittobeme.WhywasI
torturingmyself,askingherthesequestions?Still,Iwantedtohearmore.IfIcouldn’ttouchher,Idamn
wellwantedmaterialforlater.Ineededtohearmore.So,Ikeptonwithit.

“So,youcomewhenyoutouchyourself…”
“Yeah,”shesimplysaid.
Fuck.
Iclosedmyeyesforamoment.Itwasimpossibletobelievethatnoguyhadevermadehercome.I

hopedsheknewthatwasn’tnormal.“Sexdoesn’tcountifhedidn’tmakeyoucome,Nina.You’re
basicallystillavirgin.”Ibitdownonmylipringinfrustration.“Hehadsex.Youdidn’t.”

Whatadamnshamethatnoonehadeverpleasuredher.Itmademeangry,butinatwistedway,it

invigoratedme.Iwantednothingmorethantobethefirstmantoevermakehercome…withmymouth,
withmyhands,withmycockburieddeepinsideofher.

YouhavenoideawhatIwoulddotoyou,Nina,ifitwerethatsimple.WhatImightdotoyou

anywayifyoudon’tgetthefuckoutofheresoon.

Icontinuedtolookather,imaginingallthedifferentwaysIwouldmakehercomeifIcould.Her

cheekswereflushfromthisconversationalone,andIwonderedwhatthey’dlooklikeifIreachedover
andkissedhersenseless.

Mybodywasexperiencingalevelofphysicalneedthatwascompletelyforeigntome.I’dnever

wantedtofucksomeonesobadly.

IrealizedIwasstaringathernipplesagainandhadtodosomething.AndGod,Ineededa

cigarette.Tryingtoquit,Ihadn’tsmokedoneinweeks,butdesperatetimescalledfordesperatemeasures.
Havingnowheretorunwitharaginghardonwasasdesperateasitgotforme.Itwaseithermovefrom
thisspotorpullherontomylap.Achangeofpositionwasmuchneeded.

Icouldn’thelpbutlaughalittlewhensheflinchedasIgotupfromthebed.Shehadnoideahow

closeIjustcametograbbingherfaceandkissingher,butinstead,inasplitdecision,Ipracticallyranto
thewindow.AsIopenedit,thefrostyairthatblewinsidetheroomcalmedmedownforlikea
millisecond.Then,Iwalkedovertothedrawer,fumbledforacigaretteandlitit,inhalingdeeply.The
smokeburnedmythroatasIsuckedinagain,hopingitwouldhelpmecontrolmyself.

“Whyareyousmoking?Ithoughtyouquit.”
Ishookmyhead.“Idid.ButIreallyneededone,andIneedtokeepmydistancerightnow.”
“Why?”sheasked.
Shewasn’tgonnaletitgo.SheknewI’dbeentryingtoquit.IfIwassmokingallofasudden,it

wasobviousthatIwaslosingmyshit.Iinhaledagainandturnedtolookathersweetface.Justwantingto
openuptoher,myheartclenched.

“YoureallywanttoknowwhyI’msmoking?”
Shenodded.“Yes.”
“Becauseit’skeepingmymouthoccupiedandstoppingmefromdoingsomethingIshouldn’tright

now.”Itookanotherlongdrag.“Youshouldprobablygobacktoyourroom.”

Itwastherightthingtosay,therightthingtodo.SheneededtoleavebecauseIcouldonlystandso

muchmoreofthis.Shehadnoideawhatshe’dbegettingintowithme,anditwouldn’tbefairtospringit
onhertonight.Itwaslate,andwewerebothstillalittledrunk.Notthetimetobehavingthatdiscussion.

“You’resmokingandtellingmetoleavebecauseyouwanttokissme?”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.AsifIonlywantedto“kiss”her.Yeah,thatwouldbeastart,butthere

wasnoendtothelistofthingsIwouldtodotoher,withher,showherforthefirsttime.Idreamtofwhat
thatwouldbelikesooftenwhilelyinginmybedatnight.Justkissingwouldneverbeanoptionwithhow
Iwasfeelingaboutthisgirl.

Iinhaleddeeplyagainandlookedoverather.Thistime,herchestwasheavinginanticipationof

mysayingsomething,doingsomething.Sheevenlookedalittlescared.

Fuckit.Nina,youwantthetruth?Ican’tgiveyouwhatIwantto,butIcangiveyouthetruth.
“Iwouldn’ttellyoutoleaveifIonlywantedtokissyou,Nina.I’mtellingyoutoleavebecauseI

wanttotasteyouandmakeyoucomeuntilyouscreamineverypossiblewayimaginable.ItwasallI
couldthinkaboutallnightlong.It’swhyIcouldn’tsleep.Butnowthatyoujusttoldmenomanhasever
donethat…fuck.That’swhyIamsmokingifyoureallywanttoknow.”

Myheartraced.
WhatthefuckdidIjustsay?
Herfaceturnedbrightredasshejuststoodthere.AsshockedasIwasatmyselfforblurtingitout,

itfeltlikeatremendousweighthadbeenlifted.I’dbeendyingtotellherforsolonghowmuchIwanted
her.Absorbingmywords,shestayedfrozenattheedgeofthebed.Iputoutmycigaretteandstayed
staringoutthewindowtokeepmydistance.

Iclearedmythroatandrepeated,“Ireallythinkyoushouldgobacktoyourroom.”
WhenitstartedtofeellikeAntarctica,Iclosedthewindow.Withoutthedistractionofthe

cigarette,Ihadnochoicebuttoturntoherandnoticedhernippleswereharderthanbefore.Icouldnow
makeoutalmostexactlywhatherbreastslookedlikenaked.Myeyeswereglued,andIlickedmylips,
desperatelywantingtotastethemthroughthethinfabricofhershirt.

Ididn’tdaremovewhenhergazeloweredtomycrotch.Anydoubtthatremainedaboutmyneed

forherwasnowobsoletebecauseIwasfullyerect.Mybreathingquickenedashereyescontinuedto
staredownatme.

MyheartnearlypoundedthroughmychestwhenNinastoodupfromthebedandwalkedslowly

towardwhereIwasstanding.Shesmelledlikesweetvanillaasshestoppedjustinchesawayfromme.I
wantedtodevourherbutinsteadheldbackandtookinalong,deepbreath,closingmyeyes.Mylips
trembledbecauseitwasalmostasifIcouldtasteherasIinhaled.Shewassoclose.Soclose,andthere
wasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.

Notuntilsheknewthetruth.
HerglassyeyeswerestaringupatmewhenIopenedmine,andmychesttightened.Shewasso

pretty.HerblondehairwasinamessysideponytailthatIwantedtoroughlypulltowardme.Myeyes
traileddownthelengthofherbodyslowly,stoppingatherbreastsagainthendowntohertautstomach
andupagain.Thesoftskinatthetopofherchestglowedinthemoonlight,andIyearnedtotouchitjust
forasecond,tofeelthewarmththere.

Withoutthinking,Ireachedoutandgrippedherwaist.AllthecontrolIhadbuiltupwas

immediatelydestroyedwiththesharpintakeofbreathsheletoutthesecondmyhandlandedonher.Itwas
atorturousindicationofwhatitwouldbeliketobewithher.Herbodywassoresponsivetome,evenin
thosemomentswhenwewerejustsittingnexttoeachother.Iknewwithoutadoubtifgiventhe
opportunity,notonlywouldImakehercome,butIwouldmakeherloseallcontrol.Oh,howIwantedto
seeNinalosehermindwhenshecameforme.

Thethoughtsinmyheadweredrivingmewild,andmyfingersbegantogentlycaressherwaist.

Thelongermyhandlingered,themoreIlostfocusonrealityandwhenIrealizedmynailsweredigging
intoher,Ipulledbackandgrowledthroughmyteeth,“Fuck.”

WhatwasIthinkingtouchingher?Onemoresecond,andIknewIwasn’tgoingtobeabletostop

myselffromtakingwhatIhadnorightto.

Shewasbreathingheavilyandalmostlookedscared,likeshewantedtosaysomethingbutwas

holdingback.Icouldn’tblameher.ShewastheLittleRedRidingHoodinthissituationandIwastheBig
BadWolfwithabigbadboner.

Forfuck’ssake,saysomething,Jake.
BeforeIhadachanceto,Ninablurtedout,“IwanttoknowwhatyoudowhenyougotoBoston

everyweekend.”

Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
ShouldIjusttellherthetruth?
Think!
Iblinkedrepeatedlytobuymyselfsometime.Thetruth.Yeah,right.Couldyouimagine?“Nina,

I’mactuallymarried,butit’sokay.There’sagoodexplanation.I’mtellingyouthisrightnowwitha
stiffwillybecause…”

Fuckno!Icouldn’ttellhernow.Notlikethis.
So,instead,Ijustblurtedout,“It’scomplicated,Nina.”
Ifeltlikeanabsoluteprick.Imaginewhatshewasthinkingaboutmyleadingheron,tryingtokick

herout,touchingherandnowfeedingherthisbull.

Ninajuststoodthereandlookedatmethenglancedoutthewindow,lookinglostanddefeated.

Shewasgoingtogiveuponme,andIcouldn’tblameher.

Lookingutterlydisappointed,sheshookherheadandletoutafrustratedsigh.“Goodnight,Jake.”
Gameover.Wellplayed,dickhead.
Iswallowedasshebackedaway.Feelinghelpless,Ilethergo,knowingIwouldn’tgetanysleep

tonight.Mymindscreamed,“IthinkImightbefallinginlovewithyou.”ButIsaidnothingasshe
walkedawayandslammedthedoor.

Nopaperbatcouldfixthisshit.

CHAPTER11

Present

Skylarstoodupfromthecouchtostretch.“Ineedabreak.Thisstoryisgivingmeladyblue

balls.”

“Seriously!EvenI’mgettingladyblueballs,”Mitchjokedashegotupandrubbedhershoulders.

“Youwanttowatchthebaby,Jake,soSkylarandIcanhaveafewminutesalonetotakecareofthis?”

“Imaginehowitwasforme,man…livingthroughit.”
Aloudknockpromptedmetojumpoutofmyseat.Iflewtothedooronlytobecrushedtofindit

wasmysisterandbrother-in-lawstandingtherewithabunchofbags.

“Crap.IthoughtyouwereNina.Youdidn’tgetmytext?”
Thesmellofmarinarasaucewaftedintheairastheybothpushedpastme.
“Whatmessage?”
“Itextedyouthattheparty’soff.”
“What?Allisonlookeddownatherphone.“Inevergotit.”
Cedricrolledhiseyes.“I’llputthefoodinthekitchen.”
Checkingmymessages,IscrolleddownandnoticedI’dmistakenlytextedAlbertfromwork

insteadofAllison.Showingherthescreen,Isaid,“Well,thatexplainswhyyouneverresponded.”

Allisontookoffhercoatandhungitup.ShewalkedovertohugSkylarandMitchwhowere

standingtogreether.Mysistertookthebabyinherarmsandconversedwiththemforabitbefore
walkingbackovertome.

Shepulledmeaside.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Overthenextfewminutes,IrehashedeverythingthathappenedlastnightfromtheIvyvisittoNina

walkingoutthismorning.

“Geez…I’msorry.Thatreallysucks.Ihopeshecomeshomesoon…foryoursanity.”Sherubbed

myarm.“LetmefillCedricinonwhat’sgoingon.Berightback.”

AllisonwentintothekitchenthenreturnedandsatnexttoSkylarwhowasnursingthebabyagain

onthecouch.

CedricwascarryingabottleofCabernetandtwoglasseswhenhereenteredthelivingroom.He

grabbedoneofthediningroomchairstojoinus.“Allthefood’sputaway.Wehaveenoughtofeedan
army,soifanyone’shungry,it’lljustneedtobereheated.”

Heopenedthewine,pouredtwoglassesandhandedonetomysister.“CanIgetanyoneelsea

glass?”

MitchliftedhisHeineken.“I’mgoodwithbeer.”
CedrictookasipandlookedoveratAllison.“SeeingSkylarfeedingthebabyremindsmeofthe

goodolddays.”

SkylarturnedtoAllison.“Thislittleguyisattachedtomyboobs.”
Mitchwinked.“Now,she’sgottwoMitch’sshehastopryoffhertits.”
Everyonelaughed,andSkylarlookedoveratmysister.“Idon’tknowhowyoudiditwithtwins.

Younursedthembothatonce?”

“Idid.Thosedayswerecrazybutwonderful.Itwaslikehavingtwolittlecoconutssuckingon

yourboobsallday.They’reteenagersnow.Canyoubelieveit?”

Cedricpointedtoagraystripofhairatthefrontofhisheadthatactuallylookedprettycoolon

him.“Ihavethegrayhairtoproveit.”

Allisonlookedoverathimaffectionately.“Ithinkyourstripeissexy.”
“I’mgladyoudo,sweetheart.”
Mysisterlitafewofthecandlesonthecoffeetable.Mygazetraveledovertothewindow.The

snowoutsidewasnowfallingmoresteadily.Itwasdarkout,andthatwasmakingmereallyantsyabout
Ninacominghome.

Iquietlytextedheraseveryonewastalking.

Pleasecomehome,baby.

Afewsecondslater,shemessagedmeback.

I’llcallyousoon.
Herbriefresponsestodaywereabitunsettling,butatleast,theyconfirmedthatshewasokay.

Whetherwewereokaywasanothermatter.

Skylarproppedthebabyonhershouldertoburphim.“So,beforeyouguysgothere,Jakewasin

themiddleoftellingusthestoryofhowhemetNinaandthedaysbeforeshefoundoutaboutIvy.”

IwasstilllookingdownatmyphonehopingformorefromNinaasImumbled,“Allison’sheard

thestoriesbefore.”

“Hejusttoldusaboutthenighthepracticallykickedheroutofhisroom.”
Mysisternoddedandflashedaknowingsmile.“FatBottomedGirls…youmean,thatnight?Oh,

you’regettingclosetothegoodpartsnow.”

Mitchlaughed.“Howcouldyouhavepossiblyrecoveredfromthatdisaster?”
Itookadeepbreathandstaredintothecandlelight.“Astrangethinghappenedafterthatnight.You

wouldhavethoughtIscaredheroff,right?Well,itwasawkwardformaybethefirstcoupleofdays,but
soonafter,itwaslikewestartedoverandreallybecameevenbetterfriendsintheprocess.Ithinkshe
knewdeepdownthatsomethingbigwasholdingmebackandthatIneededtimetobeabletoworkitout.
Sheneverpressuredmeforanswers,andwell,westoppedputtingourselvesinprecarioussituationswith
alcohol.ShewasjustthereformeandletmehaveherintheonlywayIcouldatthattime,whichwasto
givemeherheartevenifIcouldn’thaveherbody.Tobehonest,thoseweretheweekswhenwereally
fellinlove.”

CHAPTER12

Past

“Cocksucker!”
Well,thatwasnew.
ItseemedMrs.Ballsworthywastryingoutanewsalutationasshewelcomedmebackfrom

BostonthatparticularSundaynight.

Iwavedandshoutedupintoherwindow.“I’vemovedonfromfuckingmyselftosuckingcock

now?Goodone,Balls.”

Shesquintedhereyesatmethenslammedthewindowdown.
IsweartoGod,mylifewaslikeacomedyshowsometimes.
SinceIusuallyarrivedbacktoBrooklynprettylate,NinawasnormallyasleepbythetimeIgot

homebecauseshehadanearlyclassonMondays.WhenIopenedthefrontdooronthisparticularnight,it
surprisedmetofindherwideawake,sippingsometeainthelivingroomandflippingthroughchannels.
Shewascurledupinabrownfleeceblanket.

Itookoffmycoat.“Hey,you.Whatchadoingup?”
“Iwashavingtroublesleeping.”
“Everythingokay?”
Ninaloweredthevolumeonthetelevisionandsatup.“No.Notreally.”
Ikickedoffmyshoesandsatdownnexttoher.“Talktome.What’swrong?”
“Todaywasaharddayforme.Italwaysis.It’stheanniversaryofmybrother’sdeath.Jimmy

wouldhavebeengoingontwenty-fivenow.”

“I’msorry,Nina.”
“Itnevergetsanyeasier.”
“No,anditlikelywon’t.”
Iwanteddesperatelytomakeherfeelbetterbutknewthatnothingwouldreallyhelpinthis

situation.Igrabbedthemugfromherhandandtookittothekitchentorefillitwiththekettlewaterthat
wasstillhotonthestove.Ipouredsomeintoanothermugforme,addingfreshteabagsandhoneytoboth.

Ireturnedtowhereshewassittingandhandedherthetea.“Here.We’regonnastayupforalittle

whileuntilyougettiredenoughtofallasleep.”

“Youdon’thavetostayupwithme,Jake.”
Iignoredherandrestedmyfeetonthecoffeetableasshesnuggledintotheblanketagainfor

comfort.Icouldn’thelpbutwishshe’dusedmeinstead.

Shetookasipofteaandsmiled.“Thankyou,though.”
“You’rewelcome.”
Wewerequietforafewminutesuntilshesaid,“Christmasiscomingsoon.Idon’tlookforward

toitanymorebecauseourhouseissodifferentnowwithouthim.Itfeelslikehalfourfamilyisgone,you
know?It’saloteasierdealingwitheverythingbeingawayfromhome.IwishIcouldjuststayhere.”

Itwouldbethefirsttimesinceshemovedinthatwewouldbeapartforlongerthanacoupleof

days.Anuneasyfeelingcameoverme.

“You’llgetthroughit,andifyoucan’t,youcanalwayscallmeanytime,dayornight.”
“Thanks.Iappreciatethat.”Shestareddownintohermug.“Iknowthathewouldn’twantmetobe

sosad.”

“RememberwhatIwastellingyouwhenyoufirsttoldmeaboutJimmy?Thatyouneedtofocuson

thehappymemories?”

“Yeah.”
“Well,justsoyouknow,that’swayeasiersaidthandone.Therearegonnabetimeswhenyoujust

finditimpossibletodothat.Andthat’sokay.”

“Iknowyoucanrelate.”
“Youwereputtingyourselfthroughaguilttripagaintoday,weren’tyou?Thinkingabouthowyou

stoppedgoingtoseehimintheend?”

“Yeah,Iwas.”
“Ifigured.”Islidalittleclosertohersideofthecouch.“DoyouknowhowmanytimesI’vesat

thereandthoughtabouthoweverythingwouldbedifferentifIhadjustaskedmydadtotellmeabedtime
storybeforeheleftthatfinalnight?Evenfiveminutesmighthavechangedhisfate.So,whileweshould
bethinkingabouthappythings,sometimeswetortureourselvesbyfocusingonthehurtfulstuff.It’sjust
whatwedoashumans,Iguess.”

“I’veaskedyouthisbefore,andyouignoredthequestion.Willyoutellmeaboutyourchildhood?”
Afterplacingthemugonthecoffeetable,Inestledmybackintothecouchandlookedupatthe

ceiling.“Itwasareallygoodchildhoodatfirst,Nina.Myparentswerecrazyinlove.Mydadhadsaved
mymotherafterareallyroughpatchinherlife.She’dgottenintodrugsandintoalotoftroublebeforeshe
methim.Anyway,myfatherjusttookherunderhiswing,andshegothershittogether.Forthefirstfive
yearsofmylife,fromwhatlittleIcanremember,itwasperfect.Wedidn’thavemuchmoney,butthere
wasalotofloveinmyhouse.Whenmyfatherwaskilled,myworldjustimploded.Mymotherhadto
workallofthetimetokeeparoofoverourheads.Iwasalonealot.Nothingwaseverthesameagain.It
prettymuchstayedthatway.Shewasreallystrong,though,anddidthebestshecould.Then,whenIwas
sixteen,Ifoundmysister.MymotherhadgivenherupforadoptionbeforeIwasborn.She’sactuallymy
half-sister.That’sastoryforanotherday,butitwasoneofthebrightestpointsofmylifebecauseallofa
sudden,Ihadthisfamily.Sheandmynieces,they’reeverythingtomenow.”

“You’rejustsurroundedbywomen,huh?”
Shedidn’tknowthehalfofit.
Ilaughed.“Yeah.”
“You’dbetterhaveasonsomeday,then.”
Thecommentmademealmostill,areminderthatkidswerelikelynotinthecardsforme.
Iquicklychangedthesubject.“So,whatdidyouandJimmyliketodogrowingup?”
“Wefoughtalotassiblingsoftendo,butwelovedeachother.Itwasjustthetwoofus.Weleda

simplelife.Youknowmydadownedafarm,sowerodearoundonthetractoralot.EverySunday
morning,we’dgotothelocalfarmer’smarketandsellproduce.Itseemedkindofboringtomethen,but
ofcourse,I’dgiveanythingtogetthosedaysbacknow.”

“Wow,youreallyareacountrybumpkin.”
“Triedandtrue.Everythingwasalwayshomemadeandorganic,too.YoucanseewhyIliketo

bakeyoustuffandwhyIalwaysusefreshingredients.”

“Organic…don’tyoumeanorgasmic?Seriously,noone’severdonestufflikethatforme.”
“Givenyouanorgasm?”
Fuck.Don’tsaystufflikethatwhenI’mtryingnottowantyou.
“NinaKennedy,getyourmindoutofthegutter.Nobody’severbakedforme.Mymotherneverhad

thetime,andevenwhenshedid,Godloveher,shecouldn’tcookforshit.”

“Youknow,Jimmyactuallynevercaredformydesserts.HealwayspreferredpackagedHostess

cupcakesfromthegrocerystoreandusedtohoardtheminhisroom.Heinsistedtheywerebetter.”

“That’sfunny.”
“Ofcourse,Ibakedallthetimeanyway.Bakingistomewhatdrawingistoyou.It’stherapeutic.”
“Yeah.Mytherapyismuchlessfattening,though.”
“You’rereallyamazinglytalented,youknowthat?”
“Thankyou.I’vebeenpracticingforawhile.”
NinaandIsatonthatcouchtalkingintimatelyuntiloneinthemorning.Minutebyminute,we’d

slowlyinchedclosertogetheruntilshewasleaningherheadonmyshoulder.Iendeduptellingherthe
wholestoryabouthowIfoundmysister.Ialsotoldhersomethingthatfewpeopleknewabout,thatmy
motheralsohadaseconddaughterbornoutofwedlockwhodiedasateenager.NinawasflooredthatI,
too,hadlostasiblingeventhoughInevergotachancetoknowAmanda.

Shealsoopeneduptomemoreaboutthesituationwithherloserexandthecircumstancesoftheir

breakingup.Spencerhadcheatedonherwithagirlheworkedwith.Hearinghowbadlyhe’dhurther
mademewanttohunthimdown.

Ninawasstillwideawakewhensheasked,“Aren’tyoutired?”
“Sleepisoverrated.I’dratherbeuptalkingtoyou.”
Anideacametomind,andIgotuptogetmycoat.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“I’llberightback.I’llbegoneabouttenminutes.Don’tfallasleep.”
Nearlyfreezingmyassoff,Iliterallyrandownthestreet.ItfeltlikeIwashighoffofher,andI

couldn’twaittogetbacktothewarmthofbeingnexttoher.

Therewasasmall24-hourgrocerystoreabouttwoblocksaway.Thebellsonthedoorchimedas

Iblewthroughtheentrance.

Weavingthroughtheaisles,IscannedthemarketforwhatIwaslookingfor.
Ipaidthecashier,notbotheringtocollectthechangefrommyfive-dollarbill.
Reenteringtheapartment,Iwasoutofbreath.Ninawasstillsittinginthesamespot.
“Wheretheheckdidyougo?”
“Hangon.I’llbethereinaminute.”Itookthepaperbagintothekitchenandgotouttwoplates.

RemovingtheHostesscupcakesfromthepackaging,Iplacedasinglecandleinsideeach.

NinacoveredhermouthinsurpriseasIsettheplatesdownonthecoffeetable.Withaflickofmy

lighter,Ilitbothcandles.

“Let’scelebrateJimmytonight.He’dbedisappointedwithanythinglessthanthesegourmet

confections.”

Hereyesturnedwatery.Shelookedupattheceilingforamomentandlookedlikeshewas

sendinghimasilentmessage.Itwassimplybeautifultowatch.

“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthis.Thankyou,”shesaidassheblewoutthecandle.
Iblewmineouttoo,andweinhaledthecupcakesinsilence.Remnantsoffrostingcoatedherlips,

andIyearnedtolickitoff.

Afewminuteslater,Ryanwalkedintothekitchenforamiddleofthenightglassofwaterand

dampenedthemood.Hedidn’tacknowledgeusbutgavemetheevileyebeforewalkingbacktohisroom.

“What’shisproblem?”Ninaasked.
“Hedoesn’tlikeyouhangingoutwithme.”
“Screwhim.Idon’tcarewhathethinks.Hedoesn’tknowyoulikeIdo.”
Youdon’tknowmelikeyouthinkyoudo,baby.
Myjawtightened.“He’ssaidstufftoyouaboutme?”
Sheputherplatedownandhesitated.“Hejustthinksyou’renotgoodformeandhasnorealbasis

forit.He’sjudgingyoubyyourlooks.”Shenudgedmyshirtandchillsrandownthelengthofmybody.“I
happentolikeyourlooks,andwhat’sinsideevenmore.”

Islidawayfromher,myheartpoundingbecauseIwasthisclosetotellinghereverything.My

voiceloweredtoawhisper.“DidyoueverwonderwhetherRyancouldberight?”

“No,”shesaiddefensively.“Imaynotknoweverythingaboutyou,butIknowhowyoumakeme

feel.Whateverhappens…I’mjustreallygladImetyou,Jake.”

Ifeelittoo,Nina.
Herstatementhadanominousundertone.Whateverhappens.I’dknownforawhilethatshe

suspectedIwashidingsomething.Thedifferencenowwasthatourrelationshipwasatalevelwhereit
wouldbeimpossibletogomuchlongerwithouttellingher.Istillneededtofigureoutwhenandhow.

Sherepositionedherheadonmyshoulder.Beingclosetoherlikethatforaprolongedamountof

timewastakingitstollonme.Atonepoint,Ileanedincloserandbreathedinthecleanscentofherhair.
Then,sheturnedherfacetowardme.Ourmouthswerejustinchesapart,butIknewifIkissedherlikeI
craved,Iwouldn’tbeabletostop,soIturnedmyheadaway.GettingphysicalwithNinawasnotan
optionrightnow.

Whenthemoodbecametootenseforourtiredmindstohandle,outofnowheresheasked,“Have

youevericeskated?”

“That’sarandomquestion.”
“I’vealwayswantedtogotoRockefellerCenteraroundChristmastime,likeI’vealwaysseenin

themovies.Idon’twanttogoalone,andIknowthesubwayrideandcrowdsaregonnamakemeanxious.
Wouldyougowithme?”

Wasshekidding?
“I’veneverbeenoniceskatesinmylife.I’mpositiveI’dfallflatonmyasswithinseconds.”
“I’mprettygood,actually.Therewasarinknearmyhousegrowingup,andI’dgotherealot.I

couldteachyou.”

“I’dfallonyouandcrushyou.”
“No,youwouldn’t.”
“Nina,youknowI’ddoanythingforyou…butthat…Ijustdon’tthink…”
“I’lltellyouwhat...Ihavetwomoreexamsbeforetheendofthesemester.Thesearethehardest

ones.Youknowthat.So,thechancesareslimthatI’llgetA’s.IfIdon’t,thenyouknowthedeal.Ihaveto
letyoutakemeonanexcursion.IfIdo,youletmetakeyouiceskating.Comeon,it’sonlyfair.”

Shewasright.Thoselasttwoexamsweregoingtobekiller.Theoddswereinmyfavor.
Irubbedmychinandreluctantlysaid,“Okay,deal.”

***

“Puttheseon.”
Ninareturnedfromtheskaterentalboothandhandedmemysizetwelves.
Istillcouldn’tbelieveI’dgottenmyselfintothis.ShehadreceivedanAminusonhermostrecent

exam.Whenshefirstbrokethenews,ItriedtogetoutoftheiceskatingbyarguingthattechnicallyanA
minuswasn’tanA,butthelookofsheerdisappointmentonherfaceeventuallycausedmetocave.

So,thefollowingTuesday,wefoundourselvesattherinkatRockefellerCenter.Itwasn’tas

crowdedasitmighthavebeenonaweekend,sothatwasaplus.Pretendingtobesick,Ileftworkearly
thatdaysothatNinaandIcouldventureintothecityformyIceCapadesdebut.

Theweatherwasclear,coldandsunny.ItwasanotherwiseperfectdayexceptforthefactthatI

wasabouttomakeacompletefooloutofmyselfinfrontofthegirlofmydreams.

Standingupontheskatesmademefeelabouttenfeettall.NinatookmyhandasIstruggledto

balancemyself.

“Now,whatyouhavetodofirstisgetusedtothefeelofthebladesontheice.Gentlymoveyour

feetbackandforthlikethis.”Ninaskatedinfrontofmeanddemonstratedthemove.“Backandforth.
Backandforth.Backandforth.”

Imimickedthemovements,butmyeyesapparentlydecidedthatwatchingherbeautifulasscheeks

movebackandforthwasalotmorefunthanpayingattentiontothefoottechnique.Ninawaswearing
fleeceleggingsthatclungtoherbody,andholyhellitwashot.Needlesstosay,Iendedupfallingonmy
ownassasaresult.

Twokidsbarelyolderthantoddleragewhizzedbymeandlaughed.
Great.
Tomakemattersworse,nowNinawashelpingmeup.“Youneedtodigintotheice,Jake.Assoon

asyoulosethatgrip,you’llfall.”

“Iknow.Ijustgotalittledistracted.”
Byyourfuckingbeautifulass.
Gradually,Igotmyacttogether,andwepracticedthebackandforthtechniqueforseveralminutes

untilIwasabletomoveontheice.

“Now,thenextthingI’mgoingtoshowyouisabasicmovementcalledaswizzle.”
“Awhatchamacallit?”
Shegiggled.“Aswizzle.Watch.”Nina’slegsopenedandclosedinslow,glidingmotions.“You

pushyourskatesapartandletthemslowlycomebacktogether.Justlikethis.”

IfIthoughttheotherstuffearlierwasmakingmecrazy,seeingherlegsopenandcloselikethis

mademyimaginationrunwild.

Shecontinuedtodemonstrateasmyeyesstayedtransfixedonherbody.“Openandclose.Open

andglidebacktogether,see?That’scalledaswizzle.”

Swizzle.
Melikeswizzle.
ThatwasthelastthoughtIhadbeforeaheavysetmanplowedrightintome,knockingmeonmy

assagain.

“OhmyGod.Jake!”Ninayelledasshespunaround.
“Sorry,man.Youalright?”theguyaskedashereachedouthishandandhelpedmeup.
IneededtogetthehelloutoftheseiceskatesbeforeIcompletelylosteverybitofcoolnessI’d

everbuiltupinNina’seyes.

“Yeah…yeah,I’mfine,”Isaid.
“Didyounotseehimcomingtowardyou?”
“Iwasfocusingonyourswizzle.”
Isthatwhatthey’recallingitnow?
“Okay,takemyhand.Youneedtopractice.We’llskatetogether.You’regonnacomeforwardina

swizzle,andI’mgonnamovebackwards.Holdontome.”Istartedmovingmyfeetinthewayshe’d
demonstrated.“That’sright,”shesaid.“Apartandtogether.Apartandtogether.”

Weweremovingslowlyacrosstheice.“I’mnotsurethisisagoodidea,myholdingontoyoulike

this.”

“You’redoingfine.”
Miraculously,I’dfinallyfoundarhythmthatworkedforme.Iwasgoingsoslowlythatitwas

nearlyimpossibletofall.Ninalookedgorgeousasshelookedupintomyeyeswhileweheldhands.She
waswearingwhiteearmuffsatophergoldenhairthatfellinmessywavesoverhermatchingwhitecoat.
Hercheekswererosyfromthecoldair.Sheremindedmeofasexyiceprincess.

Sherepeated,“You’redoingsogood.”
Atonepoint,shegavemeasweetsmilethatwassoagonizinglybeautiful,itmademelosefocus

andforgettodigintotheiceagain.Ifell,butthistime,shewentdownalongwithme.AsNinafellback,I

landedontopofher.

“Nina!Shit.Areyouokay?”
Sheclosedhereyesandforasplitsecond,itseemedlikeshewascryingwhichcausedmeto

panic.Itquicklybecameapparentthatshewasactuallylaughinghysterically.Itwasjustthekindofall-
consuminglaughwherenosoundcameout.

Myarmswereoneachsideofher.“It’snotreallyfunny.Icouldhavecrushedyou.”
Shewasstilllaughing.“Well,youdidn’t.I’mstillinonepiece.”
Hertitswereplasteredagainstmychest,andIhadtofightmybody’sreaction;Icouldfeelmyself

gettinghard.Buttruthfully,Ididn’treallywanttogetoffofher.Itseemedmybodymuchpreferredgetting
offonherinstead.

OurfaceswereclosewhenIsaid,“I’dgetup,butI’mnotsurehowtowithoutfallingonmyass

again.”

Shebegantolaughevenharderatmyadmission,andnow,Iwaslaughingatmyself.Icouldfeel

hersweetbreathonmyface.WasIsickforwantingtojuststayonthegroundwithherandnevergetup?

“Youknowwhat?That’sgood.Youneededtofall.Becauseifyoudon’tfall,you’llneverlearn

howtopickyourselfup.”

Irolledoffofherandsatontheice.
Shegotupandkneeled.“Alright,dowhatIdo.Putonefootoutinfrontofyou,okay?”Ididasshe

said.“Nowtransferallofyourweighttoyourleftfootanddigintotheicewithyourright.Gotit?”

Imanagedtocarefullygetmyselfup.WestartedskatingalongsideeachotherwhenIsomehow

gainedunwantedmomentum,slammingintoabarrier.

Shewaslaughingassheskatedtowardme.“Thatremindsme.Ineedtoteachyouhowtostop!”
“Youthinkthisisfunny,huh?”
Iteasinglytookherearmuffsoffherheadandputthemonmine.
“Hey,layoffmymuff!”Herfaceturnedredeventhoughherinnuendowasclearlyintentional.
God,IloveddirtyNina.
Icouldn’thelpmyself.“Iprefertokeepyourmuffclosertomyface.”Hercheeksturnedeven

redder.“Don’tdishitifyoucan’ttakeit,Kennedy.”

Sheconvenientlychangedthesubject.“Ineedtoseriouslyteachyouhowtostop.”
“Runningmymouth?”
“No…stoppingontheice.”Shepointedhertoestogether.“Dothisthenpushyourheelsout.That’s

howyoustop.”Sheskatedaroundme,startingandstoppingseveraltimes.Icopiedthemotion,eventually
becomingaccustomedtoit.

Shetookmyhand,andweskatedslowlysidebysideforseveralminutes.Thistime,I’dreally

gottenthehangofit.SocaughtupinthemomentwithNina,I’dbarelynoticedthatthesunhadset.The
Christmaslightsarounduslookedsuddenlymagnificentinthedarkness.

“It’sgettingcold.Weshouldprobablygetgoing,”shesaid.
Iwasn’treadyforourdatetoend.Itwasn’tanofficialdate,butitsomehowfeltlikethefirstreal

dateI’deverbeenon.

Afterwereturnedourskates,Ituggedonhercoat.“Let’sgogetsomehotchocolate.”
“Okay.Thatsoundsgood.”
WewalkedtoacaféaroundthecornerandfoundacozybooththatoverlookedthegiantChristmas

treeontheplaza.Iwatchedherasshelookedoutthewindowandsippedherdrink.Spendingthis
afternoonwithherhadbeenoneofthebestexperiencesinrecentmemoryforme.AllIcouldthinkabout
washowbadlyIwasfeelingtheneedtoopenuptoher.IwantedtosharemyselfwithherinanywayI
could.Inthatmoment,Idecidedthatifshedidn’tgetanAonhernextexam,Iwasgoingtonixthe
helicopteridea.Itneededtobesomethingbiggerandbetter.We’dgoonaplanerideinstead,andI’dtake

herawaytoChicago,showherwhereIgrewup.Ihadn’tbeenbacksinceIwasateenager,andIwanted
tosharethatexperiencewithher.

“Nina,Ilovethatyou’regettingA’s,butisitwrongthatIreallyhopeyourlastgradesucks?”
“Whyisthat?”
“There’ssomeplaceIreallywanttotakeyou.”
Aworriedlookwashedacrossherface.“Now,I’mscared.”
“Don’tbescared.It’llbeamazing.”
Inherently,itfeltliketheendofmyhidingthetruthwasnear.Itwasgoingtohappenafter

Christmas,whichmeantthatthistimeofignorantblisswithNinawouldbeoversoon.

Imusthavegottenlostinmymind.
“Youalwaysdothatwhenyou’redeepinthought.”
“What?”
“Grindyourtongueringagainstyourteeth.”
“Doesitannoyyou?”
“No,notatall.”
Iwishedshe’dkeptitatthat.
Instead,sheadded,“Ithinkit’ssexy.”
Herwordswentstraighttomydick,triggeringasweetacheofpleasureandpain.Myeyesseared

intohersasInoddedslowly.Somanypossibleresponsesfloodedmybrain,butIoptednottosay
anythingatall.Shecouldn’tbegintoimaginewhatIwantedtodotoherwithmytongue.

Icrushedthepapercupoutoffrustration.“Weshouldgo.”

***

Thatnight,IwassittinginbedwhenNinatextedmefromherroom.

How’smyBrianBoitano?

Wait.Whowasthat?IhadtothinkandthenrememberedhewasanOlympicfigureskater.

Jake:MorelikeBrianBoita-NO.No,no,no!Neverdothatagain.;-)

Nina:Youwereactuallyprettygoodforyourfirsttime.

Jake:Yeah…BigGoonsonIce.Don’tordermealeotard.Prettysureitwasmyfirstandlast

time.

Nina:Damnit!IwasgonnateachyoutheBunnyhopjumpandhalflutznexttime.

Jake:Don’tyoumeanhalfKLUTZ?

Nina:LOL.Youmakemelaugh.Thanksagainforcomingwithme.

Youmakemesofuckinghappy.

Jake:You’rewelcome.

Laterthatnight,Ninawalkeddownthehalltotakehereveningshower.Iheldthepaperbatinmy

hand,waitingtosneakitintoherroom.

WhatIalmostwrote:

I’dgoagainfoshizzle,
Justtowatchyouswizzle.

WhatIwishedIcouldhavewritten:

Iwanttheretobeamillionnexttimes.

WhatInevercouldhavewritten:

Youknowwhat?
I’dgivemyleftnut,
Tohavemyway
Withthatbeautifulbutt.

WhatIactuallywrote:

Mr.Batsaystohangupmyskates…
BecauseI’mtheworstfuckingskaterintheUnitedStates.

CHAPTER13

Past

OurverylaststudysessionbeforeNina’sfinalexamrolledaround.Therewouldnolongerbean

officialexcusetospendtimealonewithheronaconsistentbasis,anditwasseriouslybummingmeout.

Clutchingherbooksinonehandandaplateofmuffinsintheother,Ninaappearedatthedoorway.

Shelookedincrediblysexyinashortwoolskirtandleatherboots.

“Imadesomebananamuffinsforourlasttime.”
“Ah!IthoughtIsmelledsomethingbakinginthekitchen.Tryingtobutteruptheteacher?”I

grabbedoneandtookabite.“Mmm…fuckinggood.”

“Itdoesn’ttakemuch,apparently.”
Ishookmyheadwithagrin.“No,itdoesn’t.”
“Thanksalot,bytheway.”
Mymouthwasfull.“Forwhat?”
Shehandedmetheentireplateandsatonthebed.Asusual,Istayedatmydeskandproppedup

myfeet.

“Youknowwhat!”shesaid.
“Actually,Idon’t.”
“Really?BabyGotBack?Ringabell?”
Oh,snap.I’dactuallyforgottenaboutthat.
Hehheh.
Afewdaysago,IprogrammedaringtonethatplayedBabyGotBackbySirMix-A-Lotinto

Nina’sphone.

“Youdidn’tgetasinglephonecallforthreedays?Howareyouonlyrealizingitnow?”
“Youtextmeallthetime,buttheonlypersonwhoreallycallsmycellismydad.Herangmein

themiddleofclass.EveryonethinksI’mafreaknow.”

“Afreakwholikesbigasses.”
“Accordingtoyou,yes.Thankyou.”
“Hey.”Iwinked.“Ittakesonetoknowone.”
Eventhoughshewastryingtopretendmyprankmadehermad,shecouldn’tcontainherlaughter.

OneofthethingsIlovedaboutNinawasthatshereallygotmystrangehumorevenwhenitwasather
ownexpense.ShetookeverythingIthrewatherinstride.

Igrabbedanothermuffinandopenedupmylaptop.“We’resprintingtothefinishnow,Kennedy.

Youready?”

“AsreadyasI’lleverbe.”
“Ithinkweneedtomakethisalateone,workovertime.Whatdoyousay?”
Shehandedmesomeworksheets.“Canwestartwithprobabilityagain?That’stheeasiestforme.

It’llgetmewarmedup.”

Asalways,Ilookedoverthesampleshegavemeandchangedthevariablestonamesofthings

Ninacouldrelateto.

“Inagroupof200people,36havedonkeyasses,52haveassesthatareflatasapancake,and126

haveaverage-sizedbutts.Outofallthepeople,halfhavemuffintops.Ifoneofthese200peopleistobe
chosenatrandom,whatistheprobabilitythatthepersonhasadonkeyassandamuffintop?”

“Howfitting,”shesaid.
Aboutanhourlater,weweredeepintosolvinganequationforadifferentwordproblemwhen

Ryanwalkedin.

“Thisboxcameforyou,Jake.”Heclumsilythrewthepackageonthebed,anditfellonthe

ground.Then,beforewalkingout,hegaveNinaalookthatIdidn’tappreciate.

“Well,isn’theespeciallycharmingtonight,”shesaid.
Pickinguptheboxoffthefloor,IrealizeditcontainedsomeartsuppliesI’dordered.“He’s

fuckingmiserable.Idon’tknowhowyourbrotherevergotalongwithhim.”

“Theydidn’talwaysgetalong.”
“Ithoughtyousaidtheywerebestfriends.”
“TowardtheendofJimmy’slife,theyweretheclosestthey’deverbeen.RyanwasbyJimmy’s

sidewhenhedied,actually.”Shetookadeepbreathtocomposeherthoughts.“Sincechildhood,our
familieswereclose.HeandJimmyhadtheirupsanddownsovertheyears.Thereweretimes,though,
whenmybrotherandheweren’tevenonspeakingterms.”

“Really…well,Ican’tsaythatsurprisesme,consideringwhatanassholehecanbesometimes.

WhatdidhedotomakeJimmystopspeakingtohim?”

Ninapursedherlipsandseemedreluctanttoanswer.Then,shefinallysaid,“Ryandatedhis

sister.”

Atfirst,itdidn’tregister.
Hissister.
Ifeltthebananamuffinscominguponme.
NinawasJimmy’sonlysister.
RyandatedNina?
Fuck.
NinaandRyan.
IthinkIfinallyunderstoodwheretheterm“blindedbyjealousy”camefrombecauseIcouldhave

swornmyvisionblurredasmybrainprocessedtheshockofhearingthosewords.

“What?YouandRyan?”
“Yes.RyanandIbrieflydatedwhenIwassixteen.”
Mystomachsankwhensheconfirmedit.“Andyouneverthoughttomentionthisbefore?”
“Honestly?No.Itwassolongago.Idon’tseehimthatway,anymore,Jake.Ilookathimlikea

brother.Ireallyalwayshave.Itneverfeltanyotherwaywithhim.He’dalwaysbeenaroundallmylife,
andwespentenoughtimearoundeachotherthatwhenwegottoacertainage,wejuststarteddating.
That’skindofhowitgoesinsmalltowns,Iguess.”

“Butyousaid…thatotherguy…Spencer…thathewasyourfirst…”
“That’sright.IneverhadsexwithRyan.Iwastooyoung.”
“Youkissedhim…”
“Yes.”
IknewIwasoutoflinebutaskeditanyway.“That’sallyoudid?”
“Jake…”
“Answerme,”Idemanded.
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”
“Didhetouchyou?”
“Yes.”
Iclosedmyeyes.“Idon’twanttoknowanymore.”

“Ishouldn’thavesaidanything.”
“No,actually,thisexplainsafuckofalot,whyhewon’tgetoffmyjockaboutyou.DoesTarah

know?”

“Idon’tthinkso,unlesshe’stoldherwithoutmyknowing.Again,itwassolongago.It’salmost

insignificant.Idon’tviewhimlikethatatall.”

Myfacefeltlikeitwasburningup.Ifelttheneedtobreaksomethingandneededtobealonetolet

thissinkin.“Fairenough.”Istoodupandhandedhertheemptymuffinplate.“Youknowwhat,Nina?I
thinkwe’vedoneenoughfortonight.It’sgettinglate.Iactuallyhavetotakeashower.IforgotIhavean
earlymeetingtomorrow.”

Withoutsayinganythingfurther,Ilefttheroomandheadeddownthehall.Bloodwaspumping

throughmyears,anditfeltlikethehallwaywasswaying.

Igotintheshowerandletthewaterraindownonme.Itwasn’thelpingtolessentheblowof

hearingthatnews.Mymindbecamelitteredwithupsettingthoughts.

Themereideaofhimtouchingherbody,suckingonherbeautifultits,goingdownonher,mademe

wanttovomit.ThiswasonlythesecondtimeinmylifeI’dbeenhitwiththislevelofjealousy,thefirst
beingherdatewithAlistair.Thiswasmuchworse.

IvowedtostayintheshoweruntilIcouldcalmdown.Afteraboutthirtyminutes,mytemperabout

thesituationwasstartingtowearoff.Ihadnorighttofeelthispossessivetowardher,buttherewas
nothingIcoulddotostopit.Ialsohadnorighttofaultherforherlieofomissionwhenmyownwas
colossal.Really,thebiggestthingthatbotheredmewasthatImightnevergetthechancetoexperience
withherwhatothershad.

WhileIcouldn’thelpthejealousy,myreactionhadbeenjuvenile.Iquicklywipeddownand

threwmypantson.I’dplannedtogotoherroomandapologizebutfoundhersittingonmybedinthe
samespotwhereI’dlefther.

Shegotup,andherheelsclickedasshewalkedtowardme.“I’msorryIupsetyou.”
“I’msorryIreactedthatway.”
Myskinwasnotcompletelydry,andadropletofwaterrandownmychest.Sheplacedher

fingertipoveritandswipeditaway.Thedelicatetouchwasbriefbuthadalastingeffect.Myabs
tightenedinanattempttocontrolmybody’sreaction.

“Youwannaknowsomething?”shewhispered.
Myvoicewashoarse.“What?”Iwasbarelyabletospeak.AllIwantedwasforhertokeep

touchingme.Iwantedtopushherdownonthebed,liftherskirtandmakeherforgetherownname.

“Yourjealousy.Itfeelsgood.”
Shetracedthetattoosonmyrightforearmwithherfingerwhilemyeyesfollowedthepath.
“Well,itdoesn’tfeelgoodforme.”
Mybodyachedforthereturnofhertouchaftershestoppedandcrossedherarmsinfrontofher

chest.

“Youdon’ttellmewhatyou’rethinking.Youdon’topenuptome,soit’stheonlythingthatshows

mehowyoufeel.”

“IguessIcan’thideeverything.”
“Iwanttoexplain,”shesaid.
“Explainwhat?”
“WhathappenedwithRyanandme,becauseIknowyourimaginationisrunningwild,andyou’re

probablymakingitouttobesomethingmorethanitwas.”

“Fuck,Nina,youdon’towemeanyexplanation.Myreactionwasuncalledfor.It’snoneofmy

business,andIreallydon’twanttoknow.I—”

“Wekissed,andhefeltmeup.Thatwasit.Itwasnothingbelowthewaist.Ineverletitgetthat

far.”

IletoutthebreathI’dbeenholding.Itcouldhavebeenalotworse.“Youreallydidn’tneedtotell

methat.”

“Tellmeyouweren’tgoingoveritinyourheadjustnowintheshower.”
“Fuckyes,Iwas.”
“IknowIdon’toweyouanexplanation,butIcareaboutyou,andyouwereobviouslyupsetbyit.

Iwantedtobehonestsothatyouweren’twastingyourtimecontemplatingwhatImeant.”

Guiltwascreepinginfast.I’dgivenhersolittlehonestyinreturnbecauseofmyownfears.I’d

taughthertofaceherfears,andI’dbeenrunningfromminetoavoidlosingher.

“YourhonestyiswaymorethanIdeserve,Nina.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“I’msoafraidtohurtyou.”
“You’rescaringme.Idon’tunderstand.Pleasetalktome.”Shebegged,“Please.”
Iplacedmyhandonherfaceandcuppedhercheek.“Iwill.Ipromise.”
AfterChristmas.

CHAPTER14

Past

Sixty-Nine.
There’sareasonuniverserhymeswithperverse.Thestarsaligned,andthatnumberwasjusta

bonuswhenNinabroughthomethatexactgradeforherfinalexam.Despitethecrappyscore,Ihadprayed
sohardthatwewouldgetonemoreexcursiontogetherbeforeshehadtoleave,especiallysincenothing
wouldbethesameonceItoldherallaboutIvyafterChristmas.

Whenshecametomyroomtobreakthenewsaboutthetest,Iwastednotimeingoingonlineto

purchaseourtickets.

Itwas4:30a.m.IknewNinawouldbefreakingoutandunabletosleep.I’dpurposelyleftheran

origamibatlastnightwithamessagethatgaveawaythefactthatI’dbetakinghertoChicago.

Itwasjusttooexcitingformetoholdin,butthatwasn’tthemainreasonIdecidedtotellher.

Theseexercisesweresupposedtobekeptsecretupuntilherperceivedmomentofdoom.However,since
thiswouldbeherveryfirstplaneride,Ifelttheneedtogiveheraheadsupthistime.

Iknockedonherbedroomdoor.“Nina,thecab’shere.Wehavetoleave.”
Herfacelookedwhiteasaghost,andshehadbagsunderhereyes.“Idon’tthinkIcangothrough

withthis.”

“Ipromiseit’llbeokay.I’llbethereeverystepoftheway.”
“I’vehadnightmaresaboutflyingeversinceIwasakid.”
“Youdorealizehowsafeairtravelis?We’reingreaterdangerdrivingtotheairport.”
“Then,I’llseriouslywishforanaccidenttopreventmefromhavingtogetonthatplane.”
“Nina,thecabiswaiting.Come.I’vegotyou.Everythingisgonnabefine.Ican’twaittoshow

youwhereIgrewup.”

Herbreathingwasshakyassheletmetakehercoldhand.
Trafficwaslight,anditwasstilldarkout.Theridetotheairportwasfardifferentthanthelast

timeNinaandIwereinacabtogether.Herbodywasstiffasaboardasshesatawayfrommeandstared
straightaheadattheearlymorningnewsplayingonthesmalltelevisionscreenbehindthedriver’sseat.
HerbodylanguagewasnodifferentthanifI’dbeenholdingaguntoherhead.Iwasdamnproudofher
fornotrefusingtocome,though.Thechoicewasalwaysstillhers.Thatprovedshetrustedmeandwanted
toovercomeherfears.ShewasahellofalotbraverthanIwasinfacingmyown.

IpaidthedriverandledareluctantNinaoutofthecab.I’dbroughtmybackpackwithsome

snacks,musicandothertricks,butsincewewouldn’tbestayingthenight,Ninaonlyhadapurse.

Aswestoodinlineattheticketcounter,herbodytrembled.Shewasgoingtoneedmycomfort,

bothmentallyandphysically.Justfortoday,IneededtothrowwhateverrulesI’dhadaboutnottouching
heroutthewindow.AsIrubbedhershoulderstocalmherdown,sheletoutadeepsighuponmytouch.
Asalways,shewassoresponsivetome,whichIloved.

Ihatedhowuncomfortableshewasandvowedthatoncewegottoourgate,everythinginmy

powerwouldbedonetomakeherfeelbetter.Wewereearly,sotherewouldbealotoftimetokill.

Atsecurity,analarmwentoffwhenNinapassedthroughthedetector,soshewaspulledaside.

Underanyothercircumstances,watchingherbeingfriskedbyanotherwomanwouldhavebeenhot,butit
pissedmeoffbecauseitwasputtingherfurtheronedge.

Wefinallygottotheseatingareawithanhourtosparebeforetheflight.Ireluctantlylefthersitting

alonewhileIboughtsomethingsfromtheshopacrosstheway.

WhenIreturned,Ihandedherthebag.“Here.”
“What’sthis?”
“Somesurvivalitemsforyou.”
Shetookthecandyoutfirst.“PopRocks?”
“Tocounteryourearpopping.Thesecancelitout.Popsomeinyourmouth.Youwon’tevennotice

it.”

“IheartNewYorkunderwear?”
Igrinned.“Incaseyoupeeyourpantsagain.”
Shewasn’tlaughing,perhapsbecauseherpissingherselfwasalikelierscenariothaneitherofus

wantedtoadmit.

Next,shetookoutasmallpaperbackIbought.Ithadtwoguysandagirlonthecover.“Midnight

Ménage?”

“Justsomekinkyshittogetyourmindoffthings.”Iwiggledmyeyebrows.“Icanreadittoyouif

youwant.”Shesmiledforthefirsttimeallmorning.“NinaKennedy,isthatasmile?Youdirtylittle
minx.”

Shetookoutthelastitem.“Ateddybear?”
“He’llkeepyoucompanyifIhavetogetuptousethebathroom.”
Ahintofanothersmilespreadacrossherlips.“Jake…”
Itooktheitems.“I’llputeverythinginmybagforyou.”
Despitethebriefdistractionfromfreakingout,Ninawentrightbackintoherownmindsoonafter.

Shewasstaringupatthedigitalscreenthatindicatedourplanewasnowatthegate.Aboarding
announcementrangovertheloudspeaker.

Shegrippedmyarm.“Idon’tthinkIcandothis.I’mserious.”
“Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.”
“Howcanyousaythat?Youdon’thaveanycontrolinthiscase!”
Iplacedmyhandsonhercheeksandlookedintohereyes.“We’reneverahundredpercentin

controlinlife,Nina.Wejustthinkweare.Somethingbiggerthanusisalwaysinthedriver’sseat.What
wecancontrolisourperception,ourreactionstothings.Wecanalsocontrolwhetherwechoosetolive
lifeorliveinfear.”Islidmypalmsoffofherface,stoodupandheldoutmyhand.“Now,givemeyour
hand.I’vegotyou.”

Ninawasshaking,butsheobliged.Iliftedheroutoftheseat,herdelicatearmbucklingunderthe

forceofmygrip.HersoftbreastsbrushedagainstmychestasIpulledherintome.Iflashedareassuring
smile.“Let’sfly.”

Whilemysmilewentunreturned,shecontinuedtocooperateanddraggedherfeetallthewayto

theplaneasIrubbedhershoulders.

Afterwemadeourwaytoourseats,anideacametome.“I’llberightback.”
“Don’tleaveme!”shesaidasIstartedtowalkdowntheaisle.
“I’llonlybegoneaminute.”
IwalkeduptoaflightattendantandaskedifNinacouldvisitthecockpit,whichwasopen.The

pilotsweregoingovertheirflightplan.

“I’msorry,sir,butthisisareallypackedaircraft.Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtobepossible.”
“Myfriendhasneverflownbefore.She’sextremelyscared,andIthinkitwouldhelpifshecould

meettheguysincontrol.”

“Ijustdon’tthinkso.”
IglancedworriedlyoveratNina.Shelookedpale,breathingheavilyandlickingherlips

incessantly.“That’sherinrownine.Lookhowpetrifiedsheis.Peoplearestillboarding.Please?We’ll
onlybeaminute.”

ShemusthavespottedtheterrorinNina’seyes,becauseshegavein.“Gobacktoyourseat.I’ll

talktothepilotandcallyouupiftheyallowit.”

“Thankyou.Ireallyappreciateit.”
Afewminuteslater,shewavedherhandatus.
“Comeon,Nina.We’regonnagomeetthepilotsrealquick.”Shetookmyhandandfollowedme

downtheaisleaswesqueezedpastincomingpassengers.Ilookedbehindmyshouldersatherandsaid,
“It’snotafacelessvessel.Youneedtoseethattherearequalifiedpeopleatthehelm.”

Theywouldn’tletmegoinwithher,soIstayedbackjustoutsidethecockpitdoor.Thepilotand

co-pilotseemedveryfriendly,showingNinaallofthecontrolsandtoutingtheyearsofflighthoursthey
hadbetweenthetwoofthem.Bothhadwhitehair,sothatwasagoodsign.Shewasclearlystillscared
shitless,butIthinkithelpedtoreassureherjustasmidge.

Iturnedtotheflightattendant.“Thanksagainforyourhelp.”
Shestraightenedhernavyskirtandlickedherlips.“Noproblem.Ifyouwant,youcanmakeitup

tomewhenweland.”Shesmiled.“You’readorable.”

BeforeIcouldrespond,Ninaappearednexttome.Inoddedoncetotheattendant,blatantly

ignoringherpropositionandledNinabacktoourseats.

Herbreathingwasbecomingerratic.Shewouldn’tlookatme.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
Shebarelygotthewordoutinbetweenbreaths,“No.”
“Holdmyhand,Nina.Squeezeitashardasyouneedto.Breathe.”
Whentheenginesturnedon,hergriponmyhandtightened.Shewasholdingontomefordearlife,

herfearmoretangiblethistimethanithadbeenduringourelevatorexercise.Thefactthatshe’dnever
experiencedthisbeforemusthavemadeherreactionmoreintense.Whentheplanestartedtomove,her
breathingbecameevenmoreuncontrolled,anditsoundedlikeshewaswheezing.I’dpackedsomesmall
brownpaperbagsincaseshehyperventilated.Takingoneout,Ihandedittoher.“Breatheintothis,baby.”

Socaughtupinthemoment,Ihadn’tmeanttocallherthat.Itjustcameout,buthonestly,itwas

doubtfulthatsheevenheardit.

Thebagdidn’tseemtobehelpinghercatchherbreath,anditwasactuallyfreakingmeoutalittle

becauseifshereallywereinsomekindofphysicaldanger,therewasnowaytogethermedicalhelp.I
hadtothinkfastinordertogethermindofftheimpendingtakeoffsomehow.Twoideascametome:kiss
hersenselessortickleherfeet.

Sinceitwouldmakeforasuckymemoryifshepassedoutorfoamedatthemouthduringourfirst

kiss,thesecondoptionwouldhavetobeit.Ninahadtoldmeoncethatherbrotherusedtotortureherby
ticklingherfeet.IfIdiditontakeoff,shewouldhavenochoicebuttosuccumbtolaughter.Thatwould
makeitimpossibleforhertofocusonthescarythoughtsthatwerefeedingherpanicandcausingherto
loseherbreath.

Theplanestartedpickingupspeed,andamidstthesoundoftheroaringengines,Ibentdownand

quicklyuntiedhershoes.BeforeshecouldaskmewhatthefuckIwasdoing,Istartedtoticklethe
bottomsofherfeet.Shewaswiggling,kickingandmostimportantly,laughing.Astheplanetiltedupward
fortakeoff,myearsstartedtopop,butitdidn’tslowmedown.

“Jake…stop!”
Ilookedupatherbutrefusedtostopticklingdespiteherconstantbegging.Tearsoflaughterwere

pouringoutofhereyes.Thecackleofmyownhystericallaughterresonatedthroughthenarrowspace.
WhenIfinallycameupforair,wewerecruising.Theoldladyacrosstheaislewassayingarosaryand
givingmeadirtylookforhavinginterruptedher.We’ddisturbedthepeace,butitwasworthit.

Hallelujah.

Ninawasstillcomingdownfromthelaughingfit.Lookingannoyed,theflightattendantwho’d

triedtopickmeupearliercameovertous.“Iseverythingokayoverhere?”

“Yes.Everything’sjustperfect.”
Itwas.

***

Wewerewellintotheflight,andNinahadcalmeddownabitafterlisteningtosomemusicI’d

downloadedforher.

Shetookoffherheadphonesforamoment.“Howmuchlonger?”
“Aboutahalf-hour.”
“Istillcan’tbelieveyoudidthattome.”
Iraisedmybrow.“Now,whenpeopleaskhowyougotthroughtakeoff,youcantellthemIwent

downonyou.”

Shepunchedmelightlyinthearmandreturnedtheheadphonestoherears.
NinahadbeenlisteningtothespecialplaylistI’dputtogetherfortheflight.Inmytypicalwiseass

fashion,I’dtitledthelistCrashandBurn.Thesongsinthebeginningweremeanttomakeherlaugh,but
therewereacouplethatI’dsnuckinbecausetheyconveyedfeelingsthatwereimpossibleformeto
express.Atonepoint,shelookedatme,andIknewoneofthosesongshadcomeon.

ItookoneofherearbudstohearitandsmiledwhenIrealizedshewaslisteningtoComeAway

withMebyNorahJones.Thatsongsaiditallmorethantheothers.IwishedIcouldjusttakeNinaaway
someplaceforalotlongerthanadayandnothavetodealwithinevitablybreakingherheartafter
Christmas.AllIwantedwastobewithher.Fornow,thisquickjaunttoChicagowouldhavetodo.It
wasn’tjustaboutgettingheroverthefearofflying.Thetripwasalsoforme,sothatIcouldfeelwhatit
wasliketotakeherawayjustonce.

“That’sabeautifulsong,”shesaid.“I’vealwayslovedit.Iloveitevenmorenow.”
Me,too.Becauseitwillalwaysremindmeofyou.
Iyearnedtotouchher,sowhenapatchofturbulencecame,thatwasmyexcusetograbherhand

again.Atonepoint,theplanejoltedhard,andshetightenedhergriponme.Iwantedtoholdher,but
insteadinasilentcompromise,tookbothofherhandsinsidemineandheldthemtogether.“It’salmost
over,Nina.Youdidgood.”

MystomachsankasIabsorbedmyownwords,whichIhopeddidn’tforeshadowtheweeksto

come.

It’salmostover.

***

Itwouldn’tbeafullexcursionwithoutacoupleofsurprisesupmysleeve.Ouraction-packed

morningstartedwithakillerviewofthecity.

NinawaslessthanenthusedbyourstopatthefamousSkydeckatWillisTower.Imadeherstand

withmeontheglassledgethatextendsoutoverathousandfeetintheair.Wehadourpicturetaken,and
I’llalwayscherishthatphotodespitethelookofterroronherface.Thatverylookincontrasttomywide
smilewaswhatmadeitaclassicsnapshotthatwouldforeverbeakeepsake.

ThesecondstopwasavisittothehousewhereIgrewupontheSouthSide.Noonewashome,so

wecouldn’tgoinside.Instead,wesatoutsideforalmostanhourasItoldNinastoriesaboutmy
childhood.I’dgottentheurgetokissheradozentimesonthistripbutneverasmuchaswhenwewere

sittinginthebackyardofmyoldhouse.She’dgrabbedmyhandandwaslisteningsointentlytome
reminiscewhilethebreezeblewherhairaround.Ittookeveryounceofrestraintinmenottoreachover,
fistthatbeautifulhairinmyhandsandpullhertowardme.

Afterweleft,thenextstopwassupposedtobelunchatBernie’s,aretrodinerandoneofmy

favoritechildhoodhaunts.Onthewaythere,though,afeelingcameovermethatIcouldn’tshake.It
wasn’tpartoftheoriginalplan,butIcouldn’tleaveChicagowithoutmakingacertainstop.

“Howhungryareyou?”
“Icouldtakeitorleaveit,”shesaid.“Why?”
“Doyoumindifwetakeadetour?”
“Notatall.”
“MaybewecanpickupsomethingonthewaythenhitBernie’sfordinnerinsteadoflunch.”
Ihailedanapproachingcab,andwehoppedinside.
“Wherearewegoing?”sheasked.
Mychesthurtjustthinkingaboutit.“Naperville.”

***

ThecabidledasNinaandIwalkedupthepathofdead,snow-coveredgrassthatledtomy

sister’splot.Hername,AmandaThompson,wascarvedintothegranitegravestone.GuiltsetinbecauseI
hadn’tbeenbackheresincemovingtoBostonforcollege.Lifehappened,thenIvyhappened,andthe
thingsthatwereoncesoimportanttomeheretookanunintentionalbackseat.Dried-upflowersthatwere
half-coveredinsnowblewinthewind.Itmademeincrediblysad,buthavingNinawithmemadeitabit
easiertoface.

Ikneeleddownatthefootoftheheadstone.“Whenyoufirsttoldmeaboutfeelingguiltyfornot

visitingJimmyduringhislastdays,itremindedmeofhowIfeltafterImovedawayandcouldn’tcome
hereanymore.IusedtovisitherherewhenIwasateenageralot.Itwasoutofthewayfromwherewe
lived.IboughtacrapcarjusttobeabletocomeoutherewheneverIwantedtokeephercompany.Ionly
knewherindeath,sothosevisitswereallwehad,youknow?Theywerewhatbondedus.”

“Thatwashowyoumetyourothersister,right?Hereatthegravesite?”
Inodded,stilllookingdownatthestone.Ontheanniversaryofherbrother’sdeathwhenNinaand

Ihadstayedupallnighttalking,I’dtoldherallaboutAmanda.Mysisterdiedinacaraccidentwhenshe
wasateenagerandwasoneoftwodaughtersmymotherhadgivenupforadoptionbeforeIwasbornand
beforeshe’dmetmyfather.IonlyfoundoutaboutAmandawhenIwassixteen,manyyearsaftershedied,
soIneverhadachancetomeether.Imetmyothersister,Allison,whenweironicallyshowedupatthe
cemeteryattheexactsametimeoneday.

“Eventhoughwe’dnevermet,somehow,IfeltclosertoAmandathananyoneelseinmyfamily.

I’dtalktoherduringmycemeteryvisits,tellheraboutmyteenageproblems,askherforadvice.She
almostfeltlikeaspiritualguidetome.AndItrulyfeltshewastheonethatbroughtAllisonandme
togetherthatday.”

“That’sreallypowerful.Youknowshe’dbeproudofyou,Jake.”
“It’shardcominghereafterallthetimeaway.Iknowit’snotthesamekindoflossyouhad,since

youactuallygrewupdaytodaywithyourbrother.”

“Butit’sjustassignificant.Youdon’thavethememoriesIhave,whichmightmakeitevenharder

becausetherearenohappymomentstoclingto.”

“I’dbringflowerseverytime.Ididn’thaveapottopissinbackthen,butIalwaysscroungedup

enoughmoneytobuysome.Iwantedhertobesurroundedbynicethings,wantedhertofeellovedifshe
weretolookdownandseemehere.Ishould’vestoppedsomewhereandgottensometodayontheway,

actually.”

“Don’tfeelbad.It’sreallycold.Theywouldn’tlast.”Ninakneeleddownandputherhandonmy

shoulder.“Inaway,eventhoughshe’snotaround,Ibetshe’staughtyoualot.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Lookathowyouare.You’reanoldsoul,sowise.Youarewhoyouarebecauseofthelosses

you’vesustained.You’vechanneledthoseintoapositiveattitudeaboutlife,whileotherslikeme,havelet
stressmanifestintootherthings.Yoursister…herdeath…havetaughtyoutoliveinthemomentandtonot
takethingsforgranted.”

“Lifeistooshortnottobehappy.I’velearnedthatonlyrecently.”Iturnedtoherandwordsthat

hadn’tmeanttobespokenaloudescapedme,“Iwanttobehappyagain.”

Afteralongsilence,shesaid,“Youmakemehappy.”
Irubbedthetipofmyfingeralonghercheek.Itfeltasifmysister’sspiritwasgivingmestrength.

Amandawouldwantmetobehappy,tolivelifetothefullestbecauseshecouldn’t.Thatrealizationgave
methecouragetosaysomethingIhopedIwouldn’tregret.“Youmakemehappy,too,Nina.Ifnothing
else,pleasealwaysknowthat.”

Shegavemeonlyaslightsmile,seemingtounderstandthecrypticundertoneinthelastpartofmy

admission.“Thankyouforbringingmehere,forshowingmethisandotherimportantpartsofyourlife.
Onestepatatime.”

“Onestepatatime,”Irepeated.ThatwouldhavetobemymantraoverChristmas.
Ninatookoffhernecklace.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Here’stheflowerthatyoudidn’tbring.”Thecharmonthenecklacewasaroseinsideofaheart.

“Thisonewilllastforever.”Shestuckitinthedirt,partiallyburyingitintotheground.“Letitbeagift
frommetoAmanda,tothankherforhelpingshapeyouintothepersonyouare.Withoutthat,Iwouldn’tbe
hererightnow.”

Iwasn’tevengoingtoarguewithherbecausethegesturewassoincrediblysweet.“Thankyou,

Nina.”

Westayedforabouttenmoreminutes.Inthattime,IshowedheraphotoofAmandathatwas

tuckedawayinmywallet.Shecouldn’tbelievehowmuchmysisterandIresembledeachother.

IkissedmyhandbeforeplacingitonAmanda’sstoneandwhispered,“I’llcomebackagainsoon.

Ipromise.Iloveyou,sis.”

Whenwegotbackintothecab,Ninaturnedtome.“I’dliketovisitheragainwithyousomeday.”
Ismiled.“Youmeanyou’llwillinglygetonanotherplanetocomeherewithme?”
Shegrinned.“You’dprobablyhavetogodownonmeagain.”

***

Theremaininghoursofthetripwerespenttalkingandeatingwhilenestledinsideaboothat

Bernie’sDineruntilthesunset.Weweresurroundedbynostalgia,frommyfather’sfavoritesongplaying
ontheminijukebox(CrimsonandClover,whichalsoironicallyhappenedtobeafavoriteofher
brother’s)tothemilkshakesandburgersI’dgrownupon.

Bythetimeweleftfortheairport,mystomachwasfull,butitwasnocomparisontothefullness

inmychest.KnowingthatNinawasheadinghometomorrowtoupstateNewYorkforChristmasbreak
andthatIwasplanningtotellhereverythingaftershereturnedmademewishthereweresuchathingasa
slowmotionbuttoninlife.Ormaybeapausebutton.

I’dneverbeensohappyandscaredatthesametime.Thosefeelingsreachedtheirpeakduringthe

planeridehome.NinaandIhadanentiremiddlerowoftheBoeing777toourselves.Itwasdarkwith

minimallightingandeerilyquiet.Unlikeourearlierflightwhichwasfulltocapacity,thisplanewas
nearlyempty.

Nina’snerveswerekickinginbutnotatthesamelevelasbefore.Selfishly,I’dlookedforwardto

takeoffbecauseI’dbeendyingtotouchherallafternoonandhadbeenwaitingforanexcusetoholdher
handagain.Ihadnoplanstoletgotonight.

Astheplanetaxieddowntherunway,ourhandswerelockedtogethertightly.Shewasbreathing

heavilyandtremblingalittlebutnothyperventilatingthistime,probablybecausetheexperiencewasn’t
completelyunknowntoheranymore.Whentheplaneascended,sheclosedhereyesandwhispered
somethingtoherself.Herchestwasrapidlyrisingandfalling.Unabletocontroltheneedtocomforther,I
leanedintoherduringthetakeoff,restingmychinonhershoulderbecauseIknewthiswasthescariest
partoftheflightforher.

Shecalmeddownalittleoncetheplanewaslevelagain,butherhandwasstilltrembling.Once

wewerecruisingforawhile,theflightattendantcamebywithadrinkcart.Iplacedtheorderforbothof
usbeforeNinahadachancetospeak.“Tworedwines,please.”Iwhisperedinherear,“Itwillhelpyou
relax.”

ShequietlynoddedastheattendanthandedaglassofMerlottoeachofus.WhenItookmine,I

said,“I’llholdit,butyou’redrinkingmine,too.”

Ninatookalongsip.“Idon’twanttogetdrunk,Jake.Ineedtobealertincasesomething

happens.”

“No.You’restillshaking.Whatyoureallyneedissomethingtohelpyouchill.I’llbeyoureyes

andearsifanythinghappens.Keepholdingmyhandanddrinkup.”

SeveralminutesafterNinapolishedoffbothglasses(whichdidn’ttakemuchprodding),thepilot

announcedthatwemaybeexperiencingsomeheavyturbulenceupahead.Sureenough,soonafter,the
aircraftstartedjerkingaroundalmostviolently.Ihadn’tletgoofherhandsincetakeoff.Holdingitwasn’t
goingtobeenoughtogetherthroughthis.Adistractionwasneeded.

“We’regonnadosomethingtogetyourmindoffthis.”
Shebreathedthroughherreply,“Okay.”
WestartedplayingthisgameI’dcompletelymadeupwherewetookturnsshoutingoutawordand

thenhadtosaythefirstthingthatcametomind.

Afterawhile,theturbulenceletup,andourgameended,givingwaytohersimplyaskingmeaton

ofquestions.OnethingI’dlearnedaboutNinawasthatalcoholmadeherchattyandinquisitive.

Sheturnedherbodytowardme.“Ifyoucouldtraveltoanyplaceintheworld,wherewouldyou

go?”

Irubbedmychinpensively.“ProbablyItaly.Mymotherhassomesecondcousinswholivein

Venice.Ibetit’sbeautiful.”

“Itmustbesoromanticthere.TheGondolarides?Thefood!Italyisdefinitelyonmylist.Iwould

lovetogosomeday.”

Maybesomedaywewill.
“Maybesomedayyouwill,”Isaid.
“Ifthiswereaweekago,IwouldhavesaidthatatriptoEuropewouldn’teverbepossible

becauseIrefusetofly.ButIguessI’mprovingrightnowthatIamcapableofgettingonaplane,capable
ofmorethanIevergavemyselfcreditfor.IfI’meverbraveenoughtodothisagain,somanydreams
couldbecomerealityforme.Ofcourse,withoutyoutoholdmyhand,I’mnotsureI’dhavethecourage.”

Iswallowedthedreadcreepingupattheimplicationofmynotbeingtheresomedaytoholdher

hand.“You’lldojustfinewithorwithoutme.”

Oureyeslockedforseveralseconds.
“Ihopeit’swithyou,”shesaid.

Inoddedbutcouldn’tbringmyselftorespond,feelingsuffocatedbyaflurryofemotions.WhenI

didn’tsayanything,shesearchedmyexpressionforsomesemblanceoftruth.Therewasnodoubtthatmy
behaviorwasconfusingtheshitoutofher.

Shechangedthesubject.“Ineveraskedyou.Iknowyou’respiritual,butareyouCatholic?What

religionareyou?”

“You’rejustonequestionafteranotherwhenyou’retipsy,Nina.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’tbesorry.I’llansweryourquestionsalldaylongifitkeepsyoudistracted.”Iturnedmy

bodytowardhertomatchthepositioningofherownbodystillturnedtowardmine.“Mymotheris
Catholic,butweneverpracticed.Idon’tbelieveinanyonereligion.ButIdobelieveinahigherpower
thatsomecallGod.Theremightbemorethanone.Theremightbeawholeteamincharge,butIdon’t
believethatallofthisisjustacoincidencewithoutapurpose.”

“Youbelievethateverythinghappensforareason.You’vesaidthatbefore.Ibelievethat,too.I

hadahardtimewithmyfaith,though,afterJimmydied.”

“Iknowwhatyoumean.It’samysteryhowagoodGodcanalsoletcertainthingshappen.”
“I’mstartingtogetsomeofmyfaithback,though.”Hereyesboreintomine.“SinceImetyou.”
Thosewordsmademefeeleuphoricandlikegettingpunchedinthegutatthesametime.
“I’mgladyoufeelthatway,”Isimplysaid,wishingIcouldtellherthatnotonlymyfaith,butmy

entireoutlookonlifehadchangedsincesheenteredmyworld.

Justwhenshewasgettingherfaithinlifeback,though,Iwasgoingtodropabombshellonher

thatourrelationshipmightneverrecoverfrom,thatwouldlikelybreakherheartandshatterherfaithall
overagain.

Ninalaughedtoherself.“MaybeJimmymetAmandainheavenandsaidtoher,‘Yourbrother

shouldmeetmycrazysister.’Maybetheyconspiredtointroduceus.”

“That’sanicethought.”Ismiled.“Ireallylikethatthought,exceptAmandawouldhavesaidto

him,‘Dude,trustme,youhaven’tmetcrazyuntilyou’vemetmybrother.’”

Hermouthspreadintoawidesmile,andIsqueezedherhandaffectionately.
Ourattentionthenturnedtoanelderlycouplewhoslowlymadetheirwaytotheairplanelavatory

andenteredittogether.

Iwrinkledmyforehead.“Youthinkthey’remessingaroundinthere?”
Shegiggled.“That’skindofgross.”
“BecauseIthinkshe’sbackin’thatup.Unlessshe’shelpinghimwipehisass,whyelsewouldthey

havegoneintheretogether?”

Ninacoveredhermouthinlaughterwithheronefreehand.“Iguessyoucouldberight.”
“I’lltellyousomething,”Isaid.“IwanttobefuckingaroundinanairplanebathroomwhenI’m

eighty-five.That’sfordamnsure.Whynot?”

Hercuriousstarewaspenetrating.“Haveyoueverjoinedthemile-highclub?”
Icringed.IvyandIhaddonethatyearsagoonthereturntripfromVegasafterourelopement.I

wantedtobehonestaboutwhateverIcouldwithher.“Yes.Once.”

Shelookedembarrassedforhavingaskedandalittledisappointedinmyanswer.“Isee.”
“Itwasalongtimeago,Nina.Iwasateenager.”
“I’mnotjudging.YoualreadyknowI’veneverjoined.Iguessthere’salotIhaven’texperienced.”
“There’splentyoftimetorectifythat.”
“Youmeanmile-high?Butthere’sonlyahalf-hourlefttotheflight.That’snotenoughtime.”
Herfaceturnedred,andforasplitsecond,abig“whatif”crossedmymind.WhatifIliftedher

upandledherdowntheaisleandintothebathroomrightthenandthere.Wouldshehaveletmehaveher?
Theanswerwashonestlyamysterytome.Apartofmethoughtshemightslapme,butanotherpart

wonderedifshe’dgoalongwithit,ifshe’dletmefuckher.Mydickhardenedatthethought.I’dnever
know.

Tappingmyarm,shesaid,“Jake,youzonedout.Iwastotallykidding.Ididn’treallymeanitwhen

Isaidahalf-hourwasn’tenoughtimeto…youknow.”

“Ofcourse,youdidn’t.”
“Half-hourisactuallyplentyoftime.”
AnimageofNina’sbeautifulbareassbentoverthecounterinthosetightquarterswhileIrammed

intoherfrombehindcametomind.Ihadtoliterallyshakemyheadtoridthethoughtbecausemycock
wasstrainingagainstmyjeans.Itwaspainfullyarousingtoimagine.Imusthavespacedoutagain.

“Jake…youdon’tthinkIwasserious.I’mjustkiddingagain.”
“Iknewthat.”
Iknewit,butmydickisagulliblebastard.
“That’swhatyougetformakingmedowntwoglassesofwine.Igetfresh,”shesaid.
Thesexualtensionfromthatexchangelingeredthroughminutesofsilence.Notoncehadweletgo

ofeachother’shandssincetakeoff.

Decidingtobreaktheice,Iasked,“Howareyougettingtoyourparents?”
Shebitherbottomlip.“Don’tbeupset.”
“Okay…”
“Ryanwasrentingacaranyway,soheofferedtodriveme.Itmadesensebecausehe’sgoingto

thesameplace.Thebusticketsareexpensive.”

Myfreehandtensed,formingintoafist.“Uh-huh.”
“Areyoumad?”
Insanelyjealouswasmorelikeit,andIdidn’twanthertoseethroughit.Ineededtoearnasmuch

ofherrespectaspossiblebeforemytellinghereverythingandalsoneededtotrustherassurancethatshe
wasn’tinterestedinhiminthatway.

“No,it’sfine.Ibethedriveslikeanoldman,soI’mgladyou’llhaveasafewayofgettingthere.”

Iclenchedmyteethinenvyofhisbeingabletospendseveralhoursinthecarwithher.

“WhatwillyoudoforChristmas?”
“I’llbeatmysister’s.Mymotherandstepfatherwillbethere,too.TheylivejustoutsideBoston.”
Mymother,Vanessa,hadremarriedacoupleofyearsago.Herhusband,Max,ownedthediner

wheremysisterusedtowork.Allisonhadintroducedthem.

“Doyougetalongwithyourstepfather?”
“Yeah,he’sactuallyreallycoolandtreatsmymotherlikegold.”
“Good.So,everyoneonyourendwillbetogetherforChristmas.”
“Yeah.ThefamilyallgetstogetherfordinnerChristmasEve,andthenwesitbythefireplaceand

exchangepresents.WewatchmyniecesgetspoiledwithgiftsthatIusuallyendupassemblingandputting
batteriesinto.”

Ofcourse,IhadtoomitthepartaboutspendingtheearlypartofthateveningwithIvy.
“Iwantedtogetyousomethingbutdidn’thavethechance,”Ninasaid.“Imayhavetomailyou

something.Whatwouldyouwant?”

Iwantyou.
Iwantyounottoleavemewhenyoufindout.
ThatwasallIwanted.ThatandtofinallybeabletoshowherwithmybodyexactlyhowIfelt

aboutherwithouthavingtoholdback.

“Youdon’thavetogetmeanything.”
“Areyoukidding?Aftereverythingyou’vedoneforme?I’mdefinitelygettingyousomething.And

ifyoudon’ttellmewhatyouwant,I’mgonnahavetoguess,andthatcouldbedangerous.Youcouldend

upgettingsomethingyouhate.”

“I’msureI’dloveanythingyoupickedoutforme.”
“Privateiceskatinglessons,then?”
“Hmm.Icedancingmaybe…withasequinshirtandspandex.Now,we’retalking.”
“Becarefulwhatyouwishfor,Green.”
Sheflashedmethetypeofsmilethatwasalwayspainfultolookat,thesweetestkindthatlitup

notonlyherfacebuthereyes.Ilookeddownatmywatchtodistractfromitandsawtherewasn’tmuch
timeleftonthisflight.Ineverwantedittoend,notonlytheplaneridebutthefeelingofpeacethatIwas
experiencing.Beingwithheramongthecloudslikethiswithouttheproblemsthatfacedmeontheground
wassomethingImayneverhaveagain.Ifwekeptflyingendlessly,thatwouldhavebeenfinebyme.

WhenNinaclosedhereyes,mybodyremainedturnedtowardher.Witheachpassingminute,fear

rearedmoreofitsuglyface.

Myminddriftedintoaseaofworry,anditwasexactlywhatIadvisedNinaagainst:lettingfearof

thefutureovertakethepresentmomentasIimaginedthedifferentpossiblescenariosthatcouldresult
frommyimpendingconfession.

Pleaseunderstand,Nina.
MythoughtsaboutwhatmighthappenafterChristmashadconsumedmesomuchthatIhadn’teven

realizedIwascaressingherhandwithmythumb.Mybodyhadapparentlytakenadvantagewhilemy
brainwasn’tpayingenoughattentiontowarnagainstit.Itwasdoingwhatfeltnatural.Thatwasmyfirst
prolongedphysicalgesturetowardher.We’dheldhandsseveraltimes,innocentlyspoonedandjoked
aroundaboutsexualthings.Hell,I’deventoldherIwantedtomakehercome.Butasidefrombriefly
grabbingherwaistthatonedrunkennightinmyroom,I’dneveractuallytouchedherforanygreatlength
oftimeinareallysensualway.Whilerubbingmythumbagainstherhandmighthaveseemedlikean
innocentthing,assoonasshestartedmatchingmycircularmotionwithherownthumb,itturnedinto
somethingaltogetherdifferent.MystrokesbecamefirmertoletherknowthatIapprovedofthe
reciprocation.Justfromthewaymybodywasresponding,andthewayshealwaysreactedtoevenbrief
contactfromme,IknewthatsexwithNinawouldrockmyworld.Atthemoment,IwascertainI’ddo
practicallyanythingtoexperiencebeinginsideofherjustonce.

Icontinuedtowatchherbreathingashereyesremainedclosed.
Wecouldbesogoodtogether.Ineveryway.
Iprayedforthechanceashersofttinythumbcircledmybigcallousedone.Shecaughtmeoff

guardwhenshesuddenlyopenedhereyes,turningtomeandseemedsurprisedtofindmestaringather.
Myeyeshadn’tlefthersinceshe’dclosedhers.Iwascaughtintheact.

Theplanewaslosingaltitudeinpreparationofthelanding,andIbecameovercomewithemotion.

Theslowdescentrepresentedthebeginningofanewphaseofourrelationship,onethatwouldbebased
onharshreality,notfantasy.

IhadtopreparemyselfforthelikelypossibilitythatI’dloseheranddecidedthatifthatwerethe

case,movingoutoftheapartmentwouldbetheonlyoption.Tolivewithherandhavetowatchherfrom
afarmovingonwithherlife…dating…wouldbetorture.Theothersideofthecoin,ifsheacceptedmy
lifeasitwas,wouldbringmeeverythingI’deverwanted,thingsIneverthoughtwouldbepossible.What
botheredmethemostwasthatItrulyhadnoideawhichwayitwasgoingtoplayout.

Ifinallyletgoofherhandjustlongenoughtopushsomeofherhairbehindherear.“Youbetterput

onyourseatbelt.Thelightjustcameon.”

Trepidationreturnedtohereyesasshethoughtabouttheimpendinglanding.Sheleanedherhead

onmyshoulderandclosedhereyes.Iclosedmine,too.She’ddoneittocalmherselfdown,butI’ddone
ittocherishthelastmomentsofourflight.Inhalingeverysweetbreaththatescapedherassheexhaled,I
attemptedtoburnthescentintomemory,tryingtoimaginewhatshetastedlike.

Afterarough,bouncylanding,theaircraftskiddedtoahalt.Ourhandsstayedconnectedaswe

exitedtheplane.WecontinuedtoholdhandsaswenavigatedthroughthecrowdatJFKandkeptour
fingersintertwinedduringtheridehome.ItstartedtosnowoutsidewhileChristmasmusicplayedonthe
cabradio.

“IwishIdidn’thavetoleavetomorrow,”shesaid,hervoicealmostpained.“I’msomuchhappier

herethanthere.”

I’mhappierwhenyou’rehere,too.
ItightenedmygriponherhandasJoshGroban’srenditionofO,HolyNightcameon.Itmademe

sadthatshewasdreadingChristmas.ItwasthemainreasonIwaswaitingtotalktoheraboutIvysinceI
knewtheholidayswouldbehardenoughonher.“Ireallywishyoudidn’thavetogo,either.”

Whenthecabdroppedusoffinfrontoftheapartment,Imadenoefforttogoinsideandneitherdid

she.Ninasatonthestoopinfrontofourbuildingandlookedupattheskywhilethesnowfellonus,
formingapowderylayerofwhiteoverherhair.Eventhoughitwassnowing,thetemperaturewasmild.

Sheheldherhandsuptocatchthesnowflakes.“Thisisbeautiful.”
Youare.
“Itis,”Isaid.
“Whattimeisit?”sheasked.
“It’snearly2a.m.”
Shebitherbottomlip.“Weshouldprobablygoin.”
“Doyouwanttogoinside?”
“Notreally.”
“Let’snot,then.”Determinednottoletthisdayend,Istoodupandgavehermyhand.“Comeon.”
“Wherearewegoing?”
“Tobuyafewthings.”
Wewalkedthecoupleofblockstotheall-nightgrocerystore.Asweenteredthebrightlightingof

themarket,shelookedatmeinquisitively.“Whatarewegetting?”

“Sincewewon’tbetogetherforChristmasonSunday,weshouldhavealittlepartytonight.”
Ninawasgrinningfromeartoear.“Ithinkthat’sagreatidea.”
Ipickedupacartonofeggnog,asmallbunchofoverlyripebananasandsomeholidaysugar

cookies.Clutchingthepaperbagwithonehand,Iheldherhandwiththeotheraswewalkedbacktoour
apartment.

“Let’sstayoutinthesnow,”Isaid.“I’mjustgonnaruninside.I’llberightback.”
RyanandTarahwerewatchingamovieinthelivingroomwhenIenteredtheapartment.It

surprisedmetoseethemupsolate.

“Hey,Jake,”Tarahsaid.
“Hey.”
“Where’sNina?”
“She’soutside.”
RyangavemeoneofhislooksbutkeptquietasIdidmybesttoignorehim.Grabbingtheblender

andpluggingitin,Idroppedsomeice,bananaandeggnoginsidethenwentovertotheliquorcabinetfor
somerum.Iturnedontheblendertomixitalltogetherandpouredthedrinkintotwolargemugs.

WhenIrejoinedNinaoutfront,ahugesmileformedonherfaceasIhandedherone.Shetooka

sip.“Mmm…thisissogood.Whatisit?”

“Icedbananarumeggnog.Youlikeit?”
“Iloveit.”
“Cheers,”Isaidasweclankedourdrinkstogether.
“Cheers.”

Inudgedherwithmyshoulder.“ThisismykindofChristmas.”
“Mine,too.”
WemunchedontheChristmascookiesanddrankourspikednogwhilethesnowcontinuedtofall.

Welookedupinunisonatthesoundofasqueakywindowopeningandknewwhatwouldcomenext.

Mrs.Ballsworthydidn’tsayanythingasshelookeddownatus.ItookachancewhenIheldupmy

mugandshouted,“MerryChristmas,Mrs.Ballsworthy!”

Webracedourselves.
Nothing.
NinaandIlookedateachotherbeforegivinguponaresponse.
Severalsecondslater,weheardit.
“MerryChristmas,motherfuckers!”
Wefellbackinlaughterontothesnow-coveredstairs.
“Now,that’saChristmasmiracle.”Ninalaughed.
Liftingmymuguptowardthesky,Ichanted,“MerryChristmastoallmotherfuckersandtoalla

motherfuckinggoodnight!”

***

Itwaspracticallymorningbythetimewefinallywentinside.Ninaretreatedtotheshower,andas

always,Isnuckintoherroom.IoptednottoleaveherabatthatnightbecauseI’dbeenholdingontoapair
ofplasticgoldpilot’swingstocongratulateheronmakingitthroughherfirstairplaneride.Ileftthe
wingsonhernightstandandwentbacktomyroombutcouldn’tsleep.

I’dhavetoleaveforworkinthemorningandwouldn’tseeheragainbeforesheleftsincesheand

Ryanwouldbehittingtheroadtobeatweekendtrafficsometimeintheafternoon.ItwasaFriday,andper
usual,I’dbeheadingtoBostonafterwork.

BeforeIleftthefollowingmorning,Isnuckapaperbatintoherroom.Ithadaholepunchedinto

thetopwithsomefishinglinetiedintoalooprunningthroughit.ItwassupposedtobeaChristmas
ornament.

WhatIalmostwrote:

Ican’tthankyouenoughforyesterday.
Notjustforlettingmetakeyouaway,
Butforseeingitthroughtotheend.
Andforbeingatruefriend.

WhatIwishedIcouldhavewritten:

MyChristmaswishthisyear,
IstoovercomeMYfear.
Betyouneverknew…
Myonefearislosingyou.

WhatInevercouldhavewritten:

I’djustaboutdietofuckyouinthesky.
So,ifyoueverwanttotrymile-high,

Thirtyminuteswouldbemorethanenough,
Tomakeyoucome,slowandrough.

WhatIactuallywrote:

Hangthisonyourtree.
Andthinkofme.

CHAPTER15

Present

Mysisterreachedovertopourmorewine.“I’llneverforgetthatChristmas.”
“Whatexactlywassomemorableforyou?”Iasked.“BecauseI’lltellyouwhatIremember.I

remembercompletelylosingmyshit.”

“Youcamehomeachangedperson.Icouldseeinyoureyesthatyouhadsomethingmajoronyour

mind.Itwaswrittenalloveryourface.Isuspectedithadsomethingtodowiththesamegirlyou
mentionedtomebefore,butyouwouldn’ttalktome.”

Cedricnoddedhishead,seemingwaytooamused.“So,shesentmetodosomedigging.

Remember?Iwastheonethatfinallygotitoutofyou.Youwerelovesick.”

Allisonslappedherknee.“Lovesick!That’sagoodwaytodescribeit.Mytough,tattooed,hardas

nailsbrotherhadturnedintoalovesickpuppy.”

Lookingutterlyentertained,SkylarcurledintoMitchandglancedoveratme.“So,youcouldn’t

hideitanymore,huh?”

“Beingawayfromherforthosetwoweeksfeltlikeanunbearableeternity.It’sfunnyhowbeing

physicallyapartfromsomeonecanintensifythephysicalneedforthem.Thosedayswerepivotalbecause
notonlydidtheyconfirmthatIneededtocomecleantoherthesecondshecameback,buttheyalsomade
memoredeterminedthanevertofindawaytobewithher.Losingherwasn’tanoptionanymorebecause
itfeltlikeIneededhertobreathe.IconvincedmyselfthatI’dfindawaytomakeitwork.Towardtheend
ofthevacation,IbasicallydecidedtostophidingthefactthatIwantedher,too.Iletherclearlyknowit.”

“Inwhatway?”Mitchasked.
“Thingsstartedgettingsexualbetweenuswhilewewereapart.Maybeitwasbecauseofthe

safetybarrierofseparationordistance,butIjuststoppedholdingbackinthatarea.”

“TMI,”Allisonshouted.
“Notatall,”Skylarsaidasshecrossedherlegsandleanedin.“Dotell.”

CHAPTER16

Past

IspitoutapieceofstalefruitcakeintoaredandgreenChristmasnapkinanddiscreetlydumpedit

inthegarbage,optingforacookieinstead.ThebuffetchoiceswerelimitedattheannualChristmasEve
partyheldatthegrouphome.I’dbroughtatrayofpigsinablanketappetizersthatpeoplescarfeddown
withinthefirsttenminutes.

Aboutadozenfamilymembers,residentsandsocialworkerspackedintothesmalldiningarea.It

wasaboutfourintheafternoon,andmostweregettingreadytoleave.

Sippinghotapplecider,Ivywasinaquietmoodaswesatinthecorner.
“Areyougoingtoyoursister’shouseforChristmasstufftonight?”sheasked.
“AfterIleavehere,yes,butI’llstaywithyouaslateasyouwant.”
“Okay,”shesaid,anxiouslylookingupattheclock.
“Iwon’tleavetillyoutellmeto,Ivy.Alright?”
Shedidn’trespond.Duringmostvisits,shetypicallykickedmeoutwaybeforeIusuallyplanned

toleaveanyway.

Halfoftheresidentshadgonehometotheirrespectivefamiliesfortheholidayweekend.While

AllisonandCedrictoldmethatIvywaswelcomeatthehouse,bringinghertherewassomethingI’d
avoided.TheoneyearshecamehomewithmeforChristmasEve,shehadanepisodethatscaredthe
livingdaylightsoutofmynieces.Itwasn’tworthtakingtheriskagain,especiallysinceIvywasn’t
comfortablethereanyway,sotherewasnopointinpushingit.

“CanIgiveyouyourpresentnow?”Iasked,takinganenvelopeoutoftheinnerpocketofmy

jacket.

Sheshookherhead.“I’mnotinthemood.”
ShoppingforIvywastoughbecausesheneverlikedwhatIboughtforher.Anythingofsentimental

value,likejewelry,seemedtomakehersadorangry.ShehatedanyoftheclothingIpickedout.Theone
thingIknewshe’dappreciateandactuallyuse(asidefromcigarettes,whichIrefusedtobuyher)wasa
DunkinDonutsgiftcard.Ivytookdailywalksthere,andImadesureshehadenoughcreditonthecardto
lastherayear.Theircoffeewasherfavorite,heavyonthecreamandsugar,andIusuallypickedherupa
hotonebeforeeachofmyvisits.

Afewoftheresidentsplayedinstruments,soaswastraditionatthisyearlyshindig,theslightly

off-keyChristmasmusicstartedtoringoutintheoppositecorneroftheroom.Joe,amiddle-agedman,
beltedouttheharmonicawhileCharleen,agirlinhertwenties,playedtheelectrickeyboard.Junior,aguy
inhisthirties,whowassomewhathearing-impaired,playedtheguitar.

Ivy’seyesfocusedonJunior’shandsasheworkedthestrings.Althoughshewasonceatalented

guitarist,sherefusedtoplayanymore,andthatmademeextremelysadforher.HerGibsonalwayssat
unusedinthecornerofherbedroomasifitwereaphantomfromapreviouslife.AnytimeIsuggestedthat
shetryplaying,Ivywouldbecomeirate.

Shecontinuedtoquietlywatchherhousematesperform.Listeningtotheslowmelody,I’dalmost

noddedoffbeforemyeyeswandereddownward.Ivy’sfingerswerestartingtomovetotherhythmofthe
musicasshestayedtransfixedonJunior’sguitar.Shewasplayingintheairandpositioningherfingers

exactlywheretheywouldgoifshewereactuallyperformingalongwiththem.Itwasthefirsttimeshe’d
everdoneanythinglikethat.

Asmilespreadacrossmyface,andawarmnessfilledmyheartonthisotherwisecoldand

depressingnight.Itgavemealittlebitofhopeforheratatimewhenalmostallofithadbeendepleted.
Whenmyeyesstartedtosting,Igotuptothrowawaymyplateasadistraction.

Ivy’ssocialworker,Gina,cameupbehindme.“MerryChristmas,Jake.”
“Sametoyou,Gina.”
Ginawasolderandhadbeenalicensedsocialworkerformanyyears.Herblackhairwaspulled

backtightlyintoabun,andshewaswearingafuglyChristmassweaterwithpompomsandtinybells
hangingoffofit.

Shestraightenedherglasses.“MissIvygirlseemsokaytonight.”
IlookedoveratIvywhowasstillstrummingherfingersintheair.“Yeah.We’vehadworse

Christmases.That’sforsure.”

Aknotformedinmystomach.TherehadbeensomethingI’dwantedtodiscusswithGinafora

longtime,butIwasn’tgoingtobringituptonight.Shemusthavesenseditbythelookonmyfacewhen
sheasked,“Doyouhavesomethingonyourmind?”

Ihesitatedthensaid,“Thereissomethingweighingonme,actually.”Ilookedaroundandlowered

myvoice.“Doyou…haveasecondtotalk?”

Ginanoddedandfollowedmeintotheemptyadjacentkitchen.
Ididn’tquiteknowwheretostart.Ginawasakindpersonandveryintuitive,soonceIstarted

spilling,shepracticallyspokeforme.

“YouknowmyintentionisnevertoleaveIvy,right?I’llneverabandonher.”
Knowingly,shegavemeasympatheticsmile.“You’vemetsomeone.”
Iswallowed,surprisedthatsheknewexactlywherethiswasgoing.“Yes.”
“Thatwasboundtohappen,Jake.Iunderstand.”
“Ineverintendedittohappen,though.Ineverwantedthiscomplication,neverwantedtohurtIvy.

I’vedoneeverythinginmypowertopreventitovertheyears,but—”

“Ithappens,Jake.Youdon’thavetoexplainit.Doesthiswomanknowaboutyoursituation?”
Adeepbreathescapedme.“That’sthething.I’mplanningtotellheraboutIvyaftertheNewYear,

andIdon’tknowhowshe’sgoingtotakeit.So,thiscouldbeanon-issueifshedecidesshecan’thandleit
atall.Butifsheacceptsit…”

“Ifthingsgetserious,you’regoingtoneedmyhelponceyoucommunicateeverythingtoIvy.”
“Yes.Imean,notrightaway,butIneedyoutohelpmefigureoutwhatmyrightsareifIvyandI

wereeverto...”Ichokedonthewords.

Ginafinishedmysentence.“Divorce.”
“Yeah.It’snotsomethingIwantifitmeanslosingmyabilitytocareforher,butIjustneedto

knowmyoptionslegally.IwanttomakesureIcanstillmakedecisionsforher.I’mheronlyfamily.”

Ginaplacedherhandonmyshoulder,andthebellsonhersweaterjingled.“Don’tworry.Let’s

justtakethisonestepatatime.We’llhavetohandleitverydelicately,ofcourse.Butforwhatit’sworth,
I’veknownyouforseveralyearsnow,seenallthatyou’vesacrificed.You’reanamazinghumanbeing,
andyoudeservetohaveloveinyourlife.Don’tbeatyourselfupoverthis.We’llfigureitout.You’ve
beenwonderfultoIvy,andsheisveryluckytohaveyou.”

“Thankyou,Gina.Thankyouforunderstanding.”
Someonecalledherattentionbacktotheparty,andshelookedbehindhershoulder.“We’lltalk

moreaftertheholidays.Inthemeantime,I’llstartresearchingthepaperworkendofthingsforyou.”She
slippedawaybeforeIcouldthankheragain.

Leaningagainstthecounterwithmyarmscrossed,Ifeltoverwhelmed.Therealityofthesituation

wasreallystartingtohitmenowthatI’dspokenaloudaboutitwithsomeone.IcouldseeIvyinthenext
room,stillplayingalonginherheadtothemusic.Thistime,theloneteardropI’dbeenfightingearlierfell
freelydownmycheek.

***

Wrappingpaperfleweverywhere.Icouldn’tcrumpleanddiscarditfastenoughbeforemorewas

thrownmyway.ThetwinshadrecentlydiscoveredthetruthaboutSantaClaussowereopeningallof
theirgiftsonChristmasEveinsteadofthefollowingmorning.

Itwasnow9p.m.,andI’dreturnedfromIvy’sacoupleofhoursearlier.Thetreeinmysister’s

livingroomwasnearlyashighastheceiling.Thebrightmulti-coloredlightslituptheroomastheflames
fromthefireplacecrackled.Pandoraradiowasplayinginthebackground.MymotherandMaxwere
cuddledtogetherononecouchasAllisonandCedriclazilysatsippingtheirwineonthesofaacrossfrom
them.Idefinitelyfeltliketheoddmanout,missingNinasomethingcrazy.

NinaandIhadbeentextingbackandforthallnight.IknewthatChristmasEvewasreallytough

forherbecauseofJimmyandwantedtokeepherspiritsupevenifwecouldn’tbetogether.Imighthave
takenittoofarearlierwhenIsentheramessagethatIcouldn’thelpthinkingaboutherwhenITouch
MyselfbytheDivinylshadcomeontheradio.Eventhoughshedidn’tconfirmit,Iwonderedifshe
understoodthatIwasalludingtothenightinmyroomwhensheadmittedthatshemasturbated.AfterI’d
sentit,ittookmenearlyanhourtocalmtheraginghardonthatdevelopedjustthinkingagainabouther
gettingherselfoff.Ifinallyhadtoretreattothebathroomtotakecareofit.(JingleBellJerkOff.)

I’dalsotoldherImissedher.Idid,sofuckingmucheventhoughithadonlybeenacoupleofdays

sinceourChicagotrip.Maybeitwasmentalbecauseofthetwoweeksapartaheadofus.

Hannahinterruptedmythoughts.“UncleJake,look!”Sheenthusiasticallyliftedupwhatseemed

likethehundredthgiftopenedbetweenherandHolly.Thisonewasafreakishlookingdollwithgigantic
eyes.

“Wow!That’s…precious.”
Frighteningwasmorelikeit.
Ninahadonceconfessedthatcertaindollsscaredherwhenshewaslittle,soIsnappedapicture

ofitwithmyphoneandtextedittoherwithamessage.

Sayhellotomylittlefriend.ItmaybeChristmasatyourhouse,butit’sHalloweenhere.

Afewsecondslater,sheresponded.

Nina:Whatthehellisthatthing?

Jake:Theniece’snewdoll.Youlikeher?

Nina:No!

Jake:WeshallnameherNina.

Nina:Ugh!LOL.

Jake:;-)

Afterafewminutespassed,Itextedheragain.

Jake:Ineedyouraddresstomailyourpresent.I’mmakingitnextweekwhileyou’reaway.

Nina:I’mintrigued.I’llneedtosendyours,too.Whatdoyoulikebetter,givingor

receiving?

Jake:Arewestilltalkingaboutpresents?Eitherway,Ireallylikeboth.Ilovetogive

actually.LOVEit.

Nina:Iwastalkingaboutpresents,yes.ButnowIseeyou’renot.

Jake:Whatdoyoulike?

Nina:Ifwe’retalkingaboutactualgifts,Iliketogive.

Jake:Andifwe’retalkingaboutothergifts?

Nina:Itdepends.

Jake:On?

Nina:WhoI’dbeexchangingwithandifthey’regoodatgivinggifts.

Jake:I’mverygifted.

Nina:Ihavenodoubtsthatyouare.

Jake:Takeapictureofyourface.

Nina:What?Why?

Jake:BecauseI’dbewillingtobetit’sredderthanapoinsettiaplant.

Itypedagain.

Jake:AndbecauseImissit.

Nina:Myface?

Jake:Yes.Ifuckingmissyourface.

Nina:Imissyourface,too.

ItwasthesecondtimetonightI’dtoldherImissedher.Myabilitytoholdbackwasclearly

dwindling.

“Jake,canyoustopwiththephoneforonesecondtocomehereandopenyourpresent?”my

mothershoutedfromacrosstheroom.

Iputthephonedown.“WhatamItwelve,Ma?”
Actually,withallofthetextingbackandforthwe’ddonetonight,Ikindoffeltlikeakidagainin

thebestway.Ninahadaknackformakingmeforgetallaboutmyveryadulttroubles.Everymomentspent
withher,evenwhenweweren’tphysicallytogether,mademegiddy.

Iliftedmyselfoffthegroundandscrunchedthroughthepilesofgiftwraptojoinmymotheronthe

couch.Shehandedmeasmallbox.

“Letmeguess…cufflinks?”IjokedasIrippeditopen.Mysmilefaded,andIfroze,staring

mesmerizedatthestainlesssteeldogtagchaininmyhands.Itwasheavy,masculine,andthewordetched
ontothefrontcausedashivertorundownmyspine:Nomads.Thatwasthenameofthelocalbikerclub
myfatherbelongedtobackinIllinois.Iturneditoverandengravedontotheflipsideweremyinitials:
J.A.G.

Myvoiceloweredtoawhisper.“Ma…isthis…”
Shenoddedwithahauntingintensityinhereyes.“Itwashis.Hewaswearingitthenighthedied.”
Suddenly,themetalseemedtoweighheavierinmyhands.Myfingerstingledasifthepiececame

aliveuponthatrevelation,asifitwereanactualpartofmyfather.Heusedtoalwayswearthis.I’d
assumeditwasgonefromthisEarthforever,justlikehewas.Staringatitinawe,Ibrushedmythumb
alongthesmoothplate.

“Didyoujustfindthis?”
“I’vehaditalltheseyears,alwaysknewI’dgiveittoyousomeday.He’dwantyoutohaveit.

He’dalreadyhadyourinitialsengravedonthebackwhenheworeit.Ididn’tdothat.Hedid.”

Myeyesstartedtofeelwatery.“You’vekeptitallthistime.Whygiveittomenow?”
“Iwaswaitingforaspecialtime,maybeyourthirtiethbirthday,butthetruthis,you’vejustmade

mesoproudoverthepastfewyears,seeingeverythingyou’vegonethrough,howyou’vehandledwhat
life’sthrownatyou.Ijustdidn’twanttowaitanylonger.”

Iproudlyplaceditovermyheadandaroundmyneck.Pressingmyhandovermychest,Isaid,

“Thankyou.YouhavenoideahowmuchIneededthisrightnow.”

Ihuggedmymothertightly.
Maxpattedmeontheback.“Wearitingoodhealth,son.”
Ihadn’topeneduptoanyoneinmyfamilyaboutNina.Thetimingofthismademefeellike

somewhereoutthere,mydadknewmylifewasinturmoil,andthatIneededthisandinturn,neededhim.
Whetherthatwasunfoundedornot,wearingthechainwouldgivememuchneededstrength.

MyattentionturnedtomysisterwhowasopeningoneofherpresentsfromCedric.Itwasasilver

braceletthathadvariouscharmsdanglingfromit.Hesaidhecarefullyselectedonesthatrepresented
thingsthatwerespecialtothem:aGeminizodiacsymbol,adollarbill,abutterflyandseveralothers.
Allisonwouldnotstopgushingaboutit,anditmademewonderwhetherNinawouldlikesomethinglike
that.

Whenmysisterdiscardedthebox,Idiscreetlysnatcheditandmemorizedthewebsitewhereyou

couldgoonlineandcustomizeone.Whileabraceletmighthaveseemedtoopersonalagiftforsomeone
whowasn’tofficiallymygirlfriend,IstillhadtheurgetomakeheroneevenifIhadtoholdontoitfora
whileorworse,neverhadthechancetogiveittoher.

Mynieceswerebusyplayingwiththeirnewtoysupstairs,andtherestofthefamilyhadgoneinto

thediningroomforsomeofAllison’schocolatepecanpie.Itooktheopportunitytosneakintothestudy
andflippedopenCedric’slaptop,pullingupthewebsiteforthebraceletcompany.Youcoulddragthe
charmsyouwantedontothevirtualsilverbandforanimageofwhatyourfinishedproductwouldlook
like.I’dchosenseveralcharmsthatremindedmeofher:aplane,apairofdice,alittlebat.Thiswas
seriouslythesappiestthingI’deverdoneinallofmynearlytwenty-fiveyears,though.

ThesoundofCedric’sdeepintentionalcoughcausedmetojumpintheswivelchair.
“Well,well,well.Whatdowehavehere?”
Shit.
Isaidnothingasheleanedovermyshoulder,hiscolognepungent.Iwantedtocloseoutofthe

screen,butdamnit,thatwouldhavecausedmetolosealltheworkI’dputintothedesign.

Sap.
“I’vebeensummonedtodosomediggingtofindoutwhetheroursuspicionswerecorrect,but

you’vemademyjobwaytooeasy,brother.”

“Summonedbywhom?”
“Yourdearsisterandmother.They’reconvincedthere’sagirlinthepicturebecauseoftheway

you’vebeenacting.Now,clearly,unlessyou’vetakenalikingtowearingfemalejewelry,thisprovesthey
wereright.”

HavingCedricaroundwaslikehavinganolderbrother.Withmydadbeinggone,Iwasreally

gratefulthatmysistermarriedacoolguythatIdidn’tmindopeningupto.

Iletoutadeepbreath,rolledmyeyesandconceded.“I’msoscrewed,man.”
“Name?”
“Nina.”
“Hot?”
“Scorching.”
“Nicetits?”
“Legendary.”
“Ass?”
“Beyond…”
“Picture?”
IpulledmyphoneoutandscrolleddowntotheoneselfieI’dtakenofusduringourtripto

Chicago.“That’sher.”

“She’scute.”Heleanedagainstthedeskandcrossedhisarms.“It’salotmorethanthat,though,

isn’tit?”

“Howcouldyoutell?”
“WatchingyoutonightmademethinkbacktomyownlovesickChristmasonce.Itwastheone

rightafterI’dmetAllison.YouremindedmeofhowIwasthatyear,thewayyouweresittingbythefire
aloneearlierdeepinthought,checkingyourphoneconstantly,smilingtoyourselflikealunatic.You’reso
wrappedupinalovefog,youdon’trealizethateveryonearoundyoucanseeitplainasday.”

“Damn.”
“Yeah.”Helaughed.
Mytoneturnedserious.“Thisgirl…shemakesmefeelalive.Idon’twanttolosethisfeeling.I’m

terrified.”

HerealizedwhatIwasgettingat.“Shedoesn’tknowaboutIvyyet...”
“No.I’mtellingheraftertheNewYear.”
Cedricnoddedinunderstanding.“YouknowIwashidingaprettydamnbigsecretwhenImetyour

sister.”

“That’sanunderstatement.”
“Well…yeah.Whatourstoryproves,though,isthatlovecansustainsomeprettyfuckedupshit.

Doyouthinkwhatyou’refeelingislove?”

“Ihaven’tlabeledwhatI’mfeeling.It’snotsomethingI’veeverexperiencedbefore.Howdoyou

knowexactly?”

“Howdoyouknowthatit’slove?”

“Yeah.”
“It’sagutfeelingmorethananything.Butthereareafewthingsthatcanhelpyoudetermineifit’s

real.Forone,howdoyoufeelwhenshe’snotaround?”

“Lost.Sick.Aching.LikeIcan’tbreathe.”
“Isthereanyotherpersonintheworldyou’dratherbewithatanygiventime?”
“No.Notasingleone.”
Herubbedthescruffonhischin.“Oh.Here’sagoodone.Doesthethoughtoflosingherscarethe

shitoutofyou?”

“Hellyes.”
“Yeah.You’refucked.”
“Thanks.”
“Itdefinitelysoundslikelove.”
“Thatlastquestionreallyputitintoperspective.I’llhavetorememberthatone.”
Losingherdidscaretheshitoutofme.
Thatwasthemomentithitme.
Ididloveher.
IwasinlovewithNina,andIcouldn’tloseher.
Somehow,Isensedshefeltasstronglyaboutme.Thefearinhereyeswasevidenttheonetimeshe

pleadedwithmetoopenuptoheraboutwhatIwashiding.Losingmedefinitelyscaredher.Thatmight
havemeantshelovedme,too.

“You’vegotsomehurdlestogetthrough,buteverythingwillturnoutokayifit’smeanttobe,”he

said.

“Thanksforthetalk.”
Cedricsmackedmeontheback.“I’llletyougetbacktobeingabracelet-makingpussy.”
“Saysthepussy-whippedguywhogavemetheidea.”
Hechuckledashewalkedbackwardsoutoftheroom.“Comejoinusforsomepiewhenyou’re

done,fool.”

“Alright,man.”

***

BetweentherealizationthatIwastrulyinloveforthefirsttimeinmylifeandthefactthatIwas

stillreelingfrommymother’spresent,myemotionswereallovertheplace.Iretreatedupstairsforthe
night.ThisChristmaswasdefinitelyonethatwouldalwaysstickwithme.

Clutchingthemetalofmyfather’schain,Ilookedoutthewindowtoclearmyhead.Themoonwas

almostfullandsobrightthatitlitupmyotherwisedarkbedroom.

Myfather’svoicewasclearasdayinmyhead.“Iloveyoutothemoon.”Itwaswhatheusedto

saybeforeputtingmetobedatnightwhenIwasakid.I’dtoldNinathatstoryduringourlong
conversationatthedinerinChicagoeventhoughI’dnevershareditwithanyone.

WhenIwasyounger,italwaysfascinatedmethatyoucouldbeacrosstheworldfromsomeone

andstillbelookingupatthesamemoon.

Iwantedhertosharethismomentwithme,toseehowspectacularthemoonwas.Ipickedupmy

phone.

Didyouseethemoontonight?

Iwaitedforaresponse.Maybesheturnedinearly,stillrecoveringfromourall-nightoutdoor

ChristmaspartylastThursdaynight.

Then,itcame.

Nina:IwouldhaveneverthoughttolookoutatthemoononChristmasEve,butIamgladI

did.Youalwayshaveawayofopeningupmyeyestothings.

Suddenly,thosegiganticblueeyesofherswereallIcouldsee,eyesIneverwantedtoseegodark

everagain,eyesIknewwouldbefilledwithsadnessandconfusiononceIbrokemynewstoher.

Iwouldhavegivenanythingtohavehadherwithme,tomakelovetoherallnightlonginthisbed

withthemoonlightshiningonus.

Jake:ThereisnothingmoreI’dratherlookatrightnow,actually.

Nina:Themoonisbeautiful.

Jake:Iwastalkingaboutyoureyes.

Ikepttyping.

Jake:They’rethemostbeautifuleyesI’veeverseen.Igetlostinthemsometimes.They

comfortmeinawaythatnothingelsecan.

Nina:Iloveyoureyes,too.

Ilove…you.

MyheartwasbeatingoutofcontrolasItypedthewords:

Il-o-v-ey-o-u.

Fuck.
No.
Iimmediatelyerasedit.
Icouldn’tsendthat.
Notyet.

Jake:IknowI’vebeenconfusingyou.Iamsorry.Weneedtotalkwhenyoucomehome.

Thereitwas.NowthatI’dputitoutthere,therewasnogoingback.

Nina:Ithinkweneedtotalk,too.

Iclosedmyeyesandshutoffmyphone,feelingsicktomystomachandgearingupforanother

sleeplessnight.

***

BackinBrooklyn,theemptinesscausedbyNina’sabsencewasmoreprofoundthanithadbeenin

Boston.IendedupnotsendingheranymoremessagesonChristmasSunday,though,becauseIfeltlikeI
neededtocoolit.

I’dalmosttextedherthatIlovedher.
Thatwouldhavebeenabigmistakeformultiplereasons.Forone,itwouldhavebeen

irresponsibletoconfesssuchathingbeforewehadourtalk.Moreso,tellingsomeoneyoulovethemfor
thefirsttimeviatextmessagewouldhavebeenasinine.So,afewdaystoclearmyheadweredefinitely
needed.

Eventhoughhe’ddrivenNinaupstate,RyanhadonlystayedawayforChristmasweekendandhad

returnedtoourapartmentMonday.Ninawasplanningontakingabusbacktothecityattheendofthetwo
weeks.TarahhadbeenusingeveryopportunitytogetRyanandmetotalktoeachother.Whensheinvited
metodinnerwiththemdownstairsTuesdaynight,Iendedupgoingjusttopisshimoffandcametothe
conclusionthatitwaswaymorefuntokillhimwithkindness,therebyannoyingthefuckoutofhim.

NinaandItextedonandoff,butImainlyfocusedmytimeworkingonasketchthatwouldbeher

belatedChristmaspresent.Theimagecamefromanideathatpoppedintomyheadbasedonsomething
shesaidduringourChicagotrip.Itwasfinishedandframedbymid-weekthenFedexedtoherparents’
house.

WhenmyphonerangFridayafternoonasIwasgettingreadytoleavework,Ihadafeelingitwas

her.Havingmostlytextedwhileapart,werarelyspokeonthephone,butsomethingjusttoldmeshe’dcall
mewhenshereceivedmypackage.

Ipickedup.“Hey,you.”
“Jake…”
Iclosedmyeyesatthesoundofhersweetvoice.Ihadn’thearditsincesheleft,andit

reawakenedthephysicalneedthatI’dmanagedtokeepatbaythisweek.

“Nina…”
Iimmediatelysnuckintoanemptyconferenceroomandshutthedoor.
“OhmyGod.Yourpresentcame,”shesaid,sniffling.
“Areyoucrying?”
“Yes.”
“Oh,man,Ididn’tmeantomakeyoucry.”
“It’sokay.It’sallgood.”Sheclearedherthroat.“When?Whendidyoudothis?Howdidyoudo

it?”

“Iusedthepictureofhiminyourroom.Iwaiteduntilyouwentawaytostart,soyouwouldn’t

noticeitgone.”

ThesketchwasofNina’sbrotherJimmyandmysister,Amanda.Inthedrawing,Amandais

whisperingsomethingintoJimmy’searashelaughswithabeamingsmile.ItwasbasedonNina’s
commentthatshewonderediftheywereconspiringinheaventobringustogether.Incaseshedidn’t
recognizetheresemblance,I’dcaptionedit:Heaven’sConspirators(JimmyandAmanda).Iwaspretty
confident,though,thatmyinterpretationofbothwasspoton.Jimmy’seyescameoutparticularlylifelike.

SendingitwasariskthatIhopeddidn’tbackfire.Itwasanextremelypersonalgift,notonlyfor

herbutforme.

“Ican’tthankyouenoughforthis.Wordscanneverexpresshowpreciousthisistome.I…

love…”shehesitated.

Myheartwasracing.Wasshegoingtosayshelovedtheportrait…orme?
“Iknow.Iknow,”Isaid,notwantinghertosaythosewordsbecausetheywouldcompletelyundo

me.

“WhatdidIeverdotodeservethis?”sheasked.

“JustthefactthatyouwouldaskthatquestionistheessenceofwhyI…”Now,Iwastheone

hesitating.WhyIwhat?Ifinishedmysentence.“WhyIadoreyou.”

Itfeltlikeasaferwordthanlove,lesslikelytodoirreparabledamageifthingsdidn’tworkout.

Anditwasthedamntruth.Iadoredher.

“Iadoreyou,too,”shesaid.“Notonlyforthis,butbecauseyoubroughtmebacktolife.Thank

you.”

Longafterwehungup,thosebittersweetwordswouldn’tstoprepeatinginmyheadallthewayto

Boston.

***

IftheearlierpartoftheholidaybreakrepresentedrealizingthedepthofmyfeelingsforNina,the

secondpartmarkedtheunravelingofmysexualcontrol.

ItwasSaturdaynight,NewYear’sEve.Asalways,I’dspentthedaywithIvybeforeheading

hometoAllison’shouse.

Myfamily’sNewYear’sEvetraditionwastogorgeonChinesefood.Everyyear,Cedricwould

comehomewithtwolargeboxes,complainingabouthowlonghehadtowaitforthetakeout.The
associationbetweenChinesefoodandNewYear’sEvealwaysbaffledme,butitseemedlikeeveryonein
Bostonhadthesameidea.Thisyearwasnodifferent.

Mynieceswerebeggingtostayupuntilmidnight,andperusual,mysistergavein.CedricandI

hadjustfinishedupacardgamewhilemymotherandAllisonwatchedtheTimesSquarefestivitieson
television.

Thefortunecookiesleftoverfromourdinnerwerestrewnaboutonthetable.Oneinparticular

seemedtobecallingtome.IrememberedwhatNinatoldmeduringourChinesekaraokedate.Takethe
onefacingyou.

Crackingitopen,Ichuckledbecausethefortunespokevolumesaboutmyfeelingstowardher:It’s

easiertoresistatthebeginningthanattheend.

Ain’tthatthetruth.
Eventhoughyoucouldhaveprettymuchappliedthatmessagetoanything,forme,itrelatedtothe

intensityofthesexualfrustrationIwasexperiencingatthemoment.

AndtheonlywomanIwantedwashundredsofmilesaway.
AsIstaredintothefireandfantasizedabouther,myphonebuzzedwiththewordsthatsetthetone

fortherestofthenight.

Iwishyouwerehere.

Mymouthfilledwithmoistureasmyheartraced.Ityped.

Jake:Iwasjustthinkingthesamethingaboutyou.

Nina:I’msupposedtobegoingouttonight,butIreallydon’tfeellikeit.

Jake:Whynot?

Nina:Forone,I’mgoingtobefreezingmyassoff.

Jake:Thatwouldnotbeagoodthing.I’dreallymissyourass.

Nina:LOL.

Jake:Whereareyougoing?

Nina:SomefriendsfromhighschoolfoundoutIwasintown,contactedmeonfacebook

andinvitedmetoaparty.I’malldressedup,butI’mnotsureI’mgonnago.

Jake:Showmewhatyoulooklike.

Nina:Okay,hangon.

MypulseracedasIheldthephoneandwaitedwhilemydickrosetoattention.WasIreallyso

hardupthatmerelyanticipatingapictureofherhadjustgivenmeanerection?Iwasjustsodesperatefor
alookatheragain.

Thesituationinmypantswasnobetteroncetheimagepoppedup.Ninahadtakenaselfieinthe

mirror.Shewaswearinganemeraldgreenfitteddress.Itwasn’tlowcut,butanythingfittedlooked
indecentonherbountifulrack.Herhairwasoffherforehead,accentuatingthelightblueofhereyesthat
glowedinthebathroomlighting.Herexpressionreflectedashynessasifshewerereluctanttotakethe
picture.

Ijustkeptstaringatit.Ather.Ipresseddownonthephotoandsavedittomycameraroll.My

phonebuzzed.

Nina:Nocomment?

Jake:I’mstilllookingatit.

Nina:Oh.

Jake:Youlookincredible.

Nina:Thankyou.

Jake:IalmostwishIdidn’tasktoseeit.

Nina:Whatareyoudoingtonight?

Shechangedthesubject,causingmetowonderifI’dmadeheruncomfortable.

Jake:Stayingin.MyfamilypiggedoutonChinesefoodearlier.I’llstayuptowatchtheball

dropthengotobedsometimeafter.

Nina:You’renotgoingout?Withanyone?

Jake:No.

DreadsetinasIstaredatherquestionagain,realizingthatshelikelywasn’tjustreferringto

tonight.Whatsheprobablywantedtoknowwaswhethertherewasanotherwomaninmylife.Afterall
thistime,I’dnevermadeitcrystalcleartoheronewayortheother.Ofcourse,therewassomeoneelse
butnotinthewayshemighthavewondered.

Nina:Doeswhateveryouhavetotellmeinvolvesomeoneelse?

Iwasshittingabrick.
TheChinesefoodseemedlikeareallybadideaasnauseasuddenlyconsumedme.Refusingtotell

heraboutIvyoverthephone,Ifroze,notknowinghowtoaddressherquestion.Thattalkneededtobe
donedelicatelyandinpersonsothatIcouldlookherintheeyesandassureherofmyintentions.

Ityped.

Jake:Notinthewayyoumightthink.

Iclosedmyeyes,sodisappointedinmyselfforlettingthissituationgoonforaslongasithad.
Thephonevibrated.

Nina:Doyouhaveachild?

Myresponsewasimmediate.

Jake:No

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Thewheelshadclearlybeenturning,probablyformonthsassheplayedprivateinvestigatorinher

headwhiletryingtofigureoutmydeal.MyheartbeatacceleratedasItookthephoneupstairs,closingthe
doorforprivacythenlockingit.

Idialedher.
Itrangoncebeforesheansweredrightaway.“Hello?”Hervoicewasgroggy.Itsoundedlikeshe

wascongested.

“Areyoucrying?”Iasked.
“No.”
Mytonewasstern.“Don’tlietome.”
“Yes,”shesaidsoftly.
“Listentome,Nina.Wedoneedtotalk,butit’ssomethingIwasreallyhopingtodiscusswithyou

inperson.Thisisallmyfaultforbeingafraidtoopenuptoyouforsolong.Buthere’swhatcannotwaita
secondlonger:Youabsolutelyneedtoknowrightnowthatyouaretheonlypersoninthisworldthathas
myheart,andnothingthatIhavetotellyouwillchangethat.”

ItwasasifwhatI’djustsaidwentinoneearandouttheotherwhensheasked,“Issomeonesick

ordying?”

“No…no,nothinglikethat.It’sacomplexsituation,andI’mnotsurehowyou’regoingtoviewit.

IfyouinsistthatItellyoutonight,we’llhavethetalknow,butI’dreallyappreciatetheopportunitytodo
itfacetofacewhenyoucomehomenextweek.”

“I’msorry,Jake.Ijust…it’sbeensohard.Myimaginationhasbeenrunningwildforalongtime.

I’mscaredI’mgoingtoloseyou.”

Shewasscared.IrememberedCedric’swordsandtookherfearasasignthatshereallydidlove

me.

Iloveyou,too,baby.Ijustcan’tsayityet.
“Don’tbescared.Youwon’tloseme.I’llalwaysbeyourfriendandmoreifyou’llhaveme.

Pleasetrustthataslongasyouwantmetobearound,Iwillbe.”

Shesniffled.“Okay,I’mgoingtotrustyouonthis,andyou’reright.Weshouldn’tbediscussing

anythingimportantoverthephone.”

“Thankyou.I’mgladyouagree.”
“I’dcomehomeearly,butmymotherarrangedforamemorialserviceforJimmyatthechurchthe

FridayeveningbeforeIleave.”

“It’sonlyonemoreweek.It’llflyby.”
Istaredattheceilingandlistenedtothefaintsoundsoutsidemyfoggywindow.Holidayrevelers

musthavebeenenteringandexitingthetrolleythatrandownBeaconStreet.Manywereprobablyheaded
totheFirstNightcelebrationdowntown.

NinaandIremainedquietuntilIwasthefirsttospeakagain.“I’msorryifIruinedyournight.”
“Mynightisn’truined,butI’mdefinitelynotinthemoodtogooutanymore.”
“Good.Don’t.Stayonthephonewithme.Myfamilyisdownstairs,butdespitethat,Iwasfeeling

reallyalonetonightforsomereason—untilnow.You’retheonlypersonIwanttoringintheNewYear
with.”

“I’dlikethat.”
“Yousaidyou’renotinthemoodtogoout.Whatareyouinthemoodfor?Tellme.”
“WhatamIinthemoodfor?Areyoutryingtohavephonesexwithmeorsomething?”
“Iwasn’t.”Isnickered.“ButifIwere,yourcallingmeoutonitjustnowwould’veruinedit.”
“Sorry.”
“Noapologiesneeded,becauseIwasn’ttryingtohavephonesex.”
“Right.”
“Bytheway,ifyouchangeyourmindanddecideyou’drathergoout,justsaytheword.Iwouldn’t

blameyou.You’realldressedupinthatprettylittledresswithnowheretogonow.”

“Nottrue.”
“You’restillthinkingofgoingout?”
“No…Imean,I’mnotwearingthedressanymore.”
Adullachedevelopedinmygroinuponhearingthat.
“You’renot?”
“No.”
“Youtookitoff?”
“Yeah,Iwasuncomfortable.”
Mynextquestionsoundedalmosturgent.“Whatareyouwearing?”
“I’minmybraandunderwearunderthecovers.”
Ihadtocatchmybreath.
“Nina?”
“Yeah?”
“Areyoutryingtohavephonesexwithme?”
“YoujustaskedmewhatIwaswearing.Isn’tthattheuniversalphonesexleadin?Istillmaintain

youweretryingtohaveitwithme.”

“Well,Iwasn’tconsideringituntilyoutoldmeyouwerepracticallynaked.There’sonlysomuch

amancantake.”

“Youdotypicallyexerciseafrustratingamountofrestraint,though.”

“YouthinkI’vewantedtorestrainmyself?”
“No.That’sthething.Youlookatmelikeyouwanttodevourme,butyouactthecomplete

opposite,likeyou’reafraidofbreakingmeorsomething.I’mstrongerthanyouthink.”

“You’repartlyright.You’vebecomemybestfriend.I’mveryprotective.Youknowthat.I’vebeen

gentlewithyou.Butthat’sonlyonesideofme.”

“Andtheotherside?”
“Youhaven’texperiencedityet.”
“Iwanttoknowthatsideofyou,too.Ireallywonderwhatthat’slike.”
Iwashornyasfuckandhadnowillpowertoresistwherethiswasgoing.Ijustwantedher.

Period.Weakerbythesecond,therepercussionsoflettinggojustdidn’tmattertomeanymoreoratleast
forthemoment.

“Icanassureyou,there’snothinggentleaboutthewayIwanttofuckyou.Wasthatwhatyouwere

wonderingabout?I’vebarelytouchedyoubecauseonceIstart,I’mnotgoingtobeabletostop,and
you’renotgonnawantmeto.”

“Tellmewhatyouwanttodotome.”
“Youreallywantmetodothat?”
“Yes.”
Youaskedforit.
“Thereisadifferencebetweenhavingsexandfucking.You’venevercome.You’venever

screamedoutinpleasurebecauseitfeltsoamazingthatyouthoughtyouwerelosingyourmind.You’ve
neverbeenfucked,Nina.Iwanttoshowyouwhatthat’slikeineveryway.Iwanttofuckyourpussy,your
ass,yourmouthandmakeyoufeelsoinsanelygoodthatyou’llbegmetokeepfillingyou.Andbytheend,
ifIhaven’truinedyouforeveryoneelse,thenIhaven’tdonemyjob.”

Thosewordscouldneverbetakenback,butitfeltsodamngoodtoletthemout.Now,itwasclear

thatwehadofficiallyventuredintouncharteredterritory.

Sheletoutalong,shakybreath.“Wow…okay.”
“Wasthatdirectenoughforyou?”
“Yeah.Actually,itremindedmeofwhatyousaidtomeinyourroomthatonenight.I’vereplayed

thatonealotinmyhead.Butyouweredefinitelymorespecificjustnow.”

“Well,I’msickofhidingit.Andalot’schangedsincethenintermsofmywillpower,andbythat,I

meanIdon’thavemuchofitleft.Youknowwhatmyfortunecookiesaidtonight?Itsaid,‘It’seasierto
resistatthebeginningthanattheend.’Icanguaranteeyouifyouwerehererightnow,Iwouldnotbe
holdingback.Whetherthat’srightorwrong,I’vereachedtheend.”Myvoiceloweredtoawhisper.“I
needyou.”

Mybodybuzzedatthesoundofhersoftvoiceinmyear.“Doyouwanttoseeme?”
“Youmean,gothere?Comeseeyou?I’veconsideredthat,actually.”
“No.Imeant…mybody.”
Wherewasshegoingwiththis?
Mydicktwitched.“You’regonnashowmeyourbody?”
“Youundressmewithyoureyesalot.Ilovewhenyoudothat.ButdoyouwanttoseewhatI

actuallylooklike?”

Holyshit.
Therewasonlyonesaneanswertothat.
“Fuckyes.”
Then,everythingjustwentquietexceptforthefactthatIfeltlikeIcouldhearmyheartpounding.I

couldhearthingsshufflinginthebackground.Whatwasshedoing?Wasshetakingeverythingoff?

Thewaitwaskillingme.Runningmyhandsthroughmyhairinfrustration,Ihadnoideawhat

exactlyshe’dbesending,whetheritwouldbeavideooraphoto.Mybodytemperaturewasrisingbythe
second,soIliftedmyshirtovermyheadandthrewitacrosstheroom.Mycockwassoengorgedthatit
feltlikeitwasburningaholethroughmypants,whichIendeduptakingoff,too.MylegsstiffenedasI
stretchedundermyblanketsandtriedtorelaxmybreathing.Iprayednooneinmyfamilyknockedonthe
doorandruinedthisforme.Justthethoughtofseeinghernakedwasputtingmeovertheedge.Anoutof
controlexcitementranthroughmelikeateenagerwatchingtheopeningcreditstohisfirstporno.This
nightwasdefinitelyturningintoanunexpectedsurprise.AndIwasallin.

“Okay…”shesaidafterreturningtothephone.“Itookastillwithmywebcam.I’mgonnaemailit

toyou,okay?”

“Yeah,”Ibreathedout.
Morewaiting.
“I’veneverdoneanythinglikethisbefore.Ijustsentit.Now,I’mnervous.”
“Don’tbe.Idon’thavetolookatitifyoudon’twantmeto.”
Fuckthat.Awarningofimminentdeathuponopeningwouldn’thavebeenabletostopmefrom

clickingonthatpicture.

“Ican’tbelieveIjustsentthattoyou.”
Whenmyemailnotificationsounded,Iswallowedinanticipation,openedmylaptopandclicked

onthemessage.Ittookseveralsecondsfortheattachmenttoopen,andmyfacewasburningupwitheach
secondthatpassed.

Whentheimagefinallyloaded,everythingwentstillasItookinthesightbeforeme.Inthephoto,

Ninawassittingonherbed,leaningslightlytothesidewithherkneescurledin.Herfacewasalsoturned
sidewaysasherhairfelloverherleftbreast.Herrightonewascompletelyexposed,showcasingalarge,
flatnipplethatwasabeautifulshadeoflightpink.HerbreastslookedevenbiggerthanIimagined.Saliva
pooledinmymouthfromtheneedtosuckonthem.Althoughshewasn’twearinganyunderwear,you
couldn’tseeherpussy,onlythesideofherass.ItwasaclassyposethatremindedmeofsomethingI
wouldhavesketched.God,shewasbeautiful.

“You’renotsayinganything.”
Expressingwithwordswhatthepicturemademefeelseemedimpossible.Myvoicewasstrained.

“You’reexquisite.”

“Wasitwhatyouexpected?”
Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffit.“Farmore.”
NotonlywasIsoextremelyturnedonbywhatthepicturedidclearlydisplaybutalsobythecruel

teaseofwhatitdidn’t.

“Willyousendmeapictureofyou?”sheasked.
Mydickwassohardthatmybriefswerebarelyabletocontainme.
“IfIsendyouone,you’regonnaknowwhatyoujustdidtome.”
“Iwanttoseeyou,”shewhispered.
“Okay,”Iwhisperedevenlower.
Positioningthecameraovermybody,IsuckedinasIlaydown.Mygrayboxerbriefsweremy

onlyarticleofclothing,buttheystayedon.Ididn’twanttoshockheraltogether.Youcouldstillseethe
fulllengthofmyerectcock,whichwasrestingagainstmythighthroughthematerial.Myabslooked
ripped,andIwassatisfiedwiththephotoIsnappedbeforehittingsend.

“Ijustsentit.”
Withmyheartpounding,IkeptstaringatthephotoofherwhileIwaitedforhertoopenmine.
Then,shesaid,“Wow.You’reso…”
“Hard.”
“Yes.ButIwasgonnasaygorgeous.You’reabeautifulman.”

“Thankyou.”
“Yourbodyisamazing,Jake.I’vealwaysthoughtso.Andthattattooonyourside…it…does

thingstome.”

Thosewords.Herphoto.Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.
Throughgrittedteeth,Isaid,“Ihaveaproblem.”
“What?”
“Ican’tstoplookingatyou.Iwanttotouchyou.Thisistorture.”
“Whatdowedonow?”
Iletoutasinglelaugh.“Youmean,nowthatwe’veplayed‘showmeyours,I’llshowyoumine?’”
“Yes.”
“Haveyoueverthoughtaboutmewhenyoutouchyourself?”Iasked.
“Allthetime.”
“You’reallIthinkaboutwhenIjerkoff,Nina.”
“Whatareyougettingat?”
“Ouroptionsarelimited,butIknowwhatIreallywant.”
“Tellme.”
Itwasoneofmanyscenariosthathadmadeitswayintomyfantasiesbefore.
“IwantyoutotouchyourselfwhileIlisten.Iwanttohearthesoundsyoumakewhileyou’re

thinkingaboutmeuntilyoucome.”

Hertinybreathsquickened.“Onlyifyoudoitwithme.”
“Iwouldmostdefinitelybejoiningyou.Wecancometogether.Doyouwantthat?”
“Yes.”
Ididn’thesitate.Ineededthis.
“Layback.Don’tletyourminddriftanywhereelsebutonmyvoice.”
Itsoundedlikeshewasgettingcomfortableinherbed.“Iloveyourvoice,bytheway,always

have.It’ssodeepandraspy.Sexy.”

“I’mgladyoufeelthatwaybecauseit’sallI’mgoingtobeusingtomakeyoucome.I’mnotgoing

tobedoingalotoftalking,though,becauseIwanttohearyoubreatheandthesoundsyou’remaking.”

“Mylegsareshaking,”shesaid.“Godammit,Jake.Whatareyoudoingtome?”
“Areyoutouchingyourself?”
“Yes.”
Igrippedmyshaft.“Good.Me,too.Ifmycockisthishardandwetfromjustlookingatyour

picture,Icouldn’timaginewhatitwouldfeellikeinsideofyou.”

Herbreathingwasuneven.Myownwasevenworse.Iwasstartingtolosemyabilitytospeakas

myhandslidupanddownalongmyhardnesstothesoundofherwhimpering.Wewerelettingourselves
getcompletelylostineachother.Intensepleasurefueledbythelongingthedistancebetweenuscaused
madeitlikenothingI’deverexperiencedbefore.

Theongoingvividimageinmyheadofherlegsspreadopenwhilesherubbedherfingersalong

herwetclitwasdrivingmewildasIpumpedmyslickcockintomyhand.Thesighsofpleasurecoming
outofherwerebringingmeclosertothebrinkwitheachsecond.Butmainly,knowingthatshewas
thinkingofme,wantingmeinsideofherasshediditmademecrazy.

Whenherbreathingsuddenlybecameragged,Iknew.“You’recoming…”
“Yes.Yesss.”
Painfullyaroused,I’dbeenstrugglingtoholdmyorgasmbackfromthegetgo.So,whenshetold

meshewascoming,Ijerkedofffasterandwithinseconds,hotcumshotoutontomystomach,myrelease
sointenseIwaspracticallyseeingstars.

Webothsoundedlikewe’drunamarathonaswebreathedtogether.

Thefaintsoundsofcheeringandhornscomingfromdownstairssnappedmeoutofmystupor.The

timingofthatbrieflyfreakedmeoutuntilIrealizedthecheersweren’tforme.Ilookedoverattheclock,
anditmadeperfectsense.

“It’smidnight,”Ninasaid.
“HappyNewYear.”
“HappyNewYear.ThatwasthecraziestthingI’veeverdone,”shesaid,soundingexasperated.
“Yeah…itwasn’taNewYear’skiss,butitwasprettyfuckingawesome.”
“Ifthatstartwasanyindicationofhowtherestwillgo,it’sgonnabeagreatyear.”
HerwordshauntedmeasIcamedownfromtheeuphoriaofourfirstsexualencounter.Myheart

suddenlystartedtohurt.Thisyearhadthepotentialtobethebestorworstofmylife,dependingonhow
thingswent.I’dfindoutsoonerthanIwasreadyforwhichwayitwasgoingtogo.Itwouldn’tbelong
beforeeverythingcameundone.

CHAPTER17

Past

Thefollowingworkweekflewby,andbeforeIknewit,myasswasonthetrainbacktoBoston

forthefinaltimebeforeI’dseeNinaagain.She’dbearrivinginBrooklynsometimeovertheweekend
whileIwasgone.WehadplanstogooutMondaynight,andthatwaswhenwe’dhavethetalk.

Iwasonedgetheentireride.I’dneverwantedtostaybackinNewYorkmorethanthisweekend,

butIvyapparentlyhadabadweekandwithNinapossiblynothomeuntilSunday,itdidn’tmakesenseto
staybehind.Iforcedmyselftomakethetrip.Soanxioustogetthetalkoverwith,IwishedIcouldhave
justwaitedattheapartmentforthemomentshewalkedin,though.

Onthetrain,thesoundsaroundmeseemedamplifiedasmyheadspun.Myfeelingsalternated

betweenexcitement,dread,arousalandnausea.

I’djustarrivedtoSouthStationwhenmyphonechimedasIexitedthetrain.Itwasatextfrom

Tarah.

Nina’sbirthdayisthisSunday.Eventhoughshenevertoldanyone,Ryanjusthappenedto

remember.We’rethrowingherasurprisepartydownstairsatEleni’s.Ithinkitwouldbecoolifyou
showedup.7pm.Letmeknow.

Ihadn’tmovedfrommyspotonthebusyAmtrakplatformsincethemessagecamein.Swarmsof

peoplepassedbymeasmyeyesstayedgluedtooneword:Sunday.

Sunday.
SundaywasJanuaryeigth.
Mybirthday.
Herbirthday.
Wehadthesamebirthday?
Thatwasfrigginwild.Shewastwoyearsyoungerthanme,soshe’dbeturningtwenty-three.My

reactionquicklyturnedfromamazementtodisappointmentthatRyanknewaboutherbirthdaywhenI
didn’t.She’dnevermentionedittome.Itdawnedonmethatitprobablyhadsomethingtodowithguilt
overJimmy.Iunderstoodtoowellthefeelingofnotwantingtocelebrateabirthdaywhenyoulosta
siblingwhowouldneverhavetheprivilegeofmarkingthatmilestoneagain.I’dnevertoldheraboutmine
becauseIneverfussedaboutmybirthday.TheeighthofJanuarywashistoricallyjustanotherdaytome.
Notanymore.Now,itwouldalwaysbeNina’sbirthday.Ifforsomereasonwewerenottogether,Istill
knewI’dthinkofnothingbutNinaonmybirthdayfortherestofmylife.

EventhoughInormallyleftBostonlateonSundays,Iwasn’tgoingtomissNina’spartyfor

anything.I’dhavetocatchatrainbythreeintheafternoontogetthereintime.

Thisdevelopmentwouldnowchangeacoupleofotherthings.Myfamilyhadplannedalittleget

togetherformeatAllison’ssincethisbirthdaywasmytwenty-fifth.Theywouldhavetopostponeitnow.
Also,myoriginalplanwastohavetheIvytalkwithNinathenexttimewesaweachother.Therewasno
wayIwasgoingtoruinherbirthday,though.Ourbirthday.

NowthatI’dbeseeingherearlierthanplanned,theextratimewe’dbespendingtogetherSunday

nightbeforethetalkwouldmeanhavingtoexercisealotofcontrol.Thesexualdynamicofour

relationshiphadchangedsinceNewYear’sEve,butIstillvowednottotouchheruntilsheknew
everything.Eventhoughwe’dexperiencedthatamazingphonesex,itwashardtobelievewestillhadn’t
evenkissed.

IreturnedTarah’stext.

Jake:I’llbethere.

Tarah:Great!That’sgonnameanalottoher.

ThebraceletI’dorderedheronChristmasEvewasdeliveredtotheapartmentyesterday.Theplan

wastogiveittoherdownthelineifthingsworkedoutbetweenus.InowknewIwantedtogiveittoher
Sundayforherbirthdayinstead.

***

FrigidairnearlychokedmeasIrandownLincolnStreet.Imissedthe2:30train,andthatmeant

arrivingattheapartmentanhourlaterthanplanned.SinceNinadidn’tknowIwascoming,Ididn’tbother
totextanyone.

AsIpassedbytheentrancetotherestaurant,mypulseracedbecauseIknewshewasinside.Still

needingtoshowerandgetdressed,Icouldn’tjointhepartyyet.ItwouldbeclosetoeightbythetimeI
finallygotdownstairs.

Ipracticallyflewthroughthedoortotheapartmentandtookthequickestshowerofmylife.After

slickingmywethairback,Ithrewonsomejeansandanavybuttondownshirt,rollingthesleevesup.
Afteracoupleofspritzesofcologneandaquicklookinthemirror,IhadtoadmitthatIlookedpretty
damngoodconsideringthetimeittookmetogetdressed.

Beforeheadingdownstairs,IstoppedinthehallwayoutsideNina’semptyroomthenwalked

inside.Sittingonherbed,Itookadeepbreathtocalmmynerves,butithadtheoppositeeffectbecause
theairwasfilledwithhervanillascent,andthatjustmademybodyreactwhenIshouldhavebeentrying
tocalmmydick.I’dquitsmokingweeksago.Otherwise,thiswouldhavebeentheopportunetimefora
cigarette.Myeyeslandedononeofherlacebrasthathadfallenonthefloor,andmybodybuzzedagain
withanurgentneedtoseeher.Probablynotagoodideatomakemyentrancedownstairswithahardon.
Underthecircumstancestonight,thebufferofotherpeoplebeingarounduswouldprobablybeagood
thing.

Myfeethurriedlyskippeddownthesteps.ThefaintsoundofMrs.Ballsworthy’stelevisioncould

beheardonmywaydown.

ThecoldairthathitmeasIsteppedoutsidewasreplacedsecondslaterbytheheatofthecrowd

asIenteredtherestaurant.Eleni’swaspacked.AliveGreekbandplayedinthecornerwhileabelly
dancerstoodintheothercornerasshepreparedtoperform.Thesmellofgarlicandbarbecuedmeat
filledtheair,causingmystomachtorumbleinhungerdespitemynerves.Ihadn’teatensincebreakfast.

Squintingmyeyes,Ilookedaroundfortherighttable.WhenIspottedthebackofher,myheartbeat

accelerated,almostrivalingthedrumbeatvibratingthroughtheroom.

Herlonghairwasdrapedoverthebackofthechair.Shedidn’tseeme.
IheardRyanshout,“Jake!”
Ninaquicklyturnedaround,andalloftheactionintheroomseemedtofadeawaywhenoureyes

met.Unabletogettoherfastenough,mystridegotbiggerwitheachstepforward.

Ithadbeensofuckinglong,toolong.
“SorryI’mlate.Happybirthday,Nina.”

Shestoodup,revealingastraplessreddressthathuggedherbodyinawaythatmademenever

wanttoletheroutofmysightagain.Onelookather,andallofmyrulesaboutphysicalcontactwent
straightdownthetubes.

Rules?Icouldbarelyremembermyownfuckingname.
Withoutasecondthought,Ileanedinandplantedasoftkissonhercheek,mytongueeverso

lightlygrazingherskin.Twothinbraidswrappedaroundeachsideofherheadastherestofherhairfell
downhershoulders.Shelookedlikeagoddess.Butsheseemedtense.

Ihadtopracticallyprymyeyesawayfromher.WhenIdid,Iimmediatelyregrettedit,becauseit

wasthenthatIrealizedNinahadbeensittingacrossfromsomeone.Myheadturnedslowlytotheleft,
takingnoteofRyan’spositionacrossfromTarah.Mygazethenmovedbacktotheright,tothespotwhere
atallredheadedguywassittingoppositeNina—oglingher.

Whatintheever-livingfuck.
Aprimalurgetoriphisheadofftorethroughme.Myownheadwasspinningbecausethatseating

arrangementlookedawfullylikeadoubledate,andIwaslookingawfullylikethefifthfuckingwheel.

Ninahadn’tknownI’dbehere.HadIwalkedinonherdate?
Ragewasbuildinginsideofme.Icouldn’tevenlookatheranymore.Instead,Istaredstraightinto

theeyesofthegingerdudewhojustbecameenemynumberone.

BeforeIcouldgetmyheadonstraighttoaskwhatthefuckwasgoingon,Ryanstartedtointroduce

metotheguy.“Thisisourroommate,Jake.Jake,thisisMichaelHunt,myco-worker.”

MichaelHunt.
Mike.
MikeHunt.
Mycunt.
Douchebag.
Iimmediatelyreachedoutmyhandandclenchedmyteeth.“Mike,isit?MikeHunt?”
AlookoffearwastransparentinNina’seyes.Beforeanyonecouldrespondtomyobviousdigon

hisname,Desireewalkedovertotakeourdrinkorder.Desiree.Great.Thisnightwasturningintoall
sortsoffuckedup.

“Jakey…thereyouare.IthoughttheysaidyouwereinBoston.”
“Funnyyoushouldpointthatout,Des.TarahhadtoldmeitwasNina’sbirthdaydinner,soIcame

homeearlytosurpriseher.”MystareburnedintoNina’s.Shelookedfrozen.“Turnsout,Iwastheone
surprised.”InevertookmyeyesoffNinaasIhandedbackthemenuandsaid,“I’lltakeavodkastraight,
Des.”

MyeyescontinuedtosearintoNina’swhenTarah’svoiceinterruptedmytrance.“Jake,thereis

somethingupstairsIforgottoshowyou.It’sbroken,andIdon’twanttoforgettotellyouaboutit.Doyou
mind…beforeweorderourfood?”

Shenudgedherheadrepeatedlyformetofollowherawayfromthetable.
Mychestwasrisingandfallingaswewalkedoutofthediningareathroughasidedoorandinto

theadjacenthallwaythatalsoleduptoourapartment.

“Thisisn’twhatitlookslike,Jake.”
“Youtoldmetocometothisparty,andNina’sonafuckingdate?”
“It’snotadate.Shedoesn’tevenknowhim.”
SpitflewoutofmymouthwhenIshouted,“Whothefuckbroughthim?”
“Ryandid.HethoughtitwouldbeabrightideatoambushNinabyinvitingthisguyfromworkto

thebirthdaydinner.He’sapparentlytryingtosetherupwithhim.”

Igrindedmyteethinanger.“Anythingtogetherawayfromme.”
Shenodded.“Ithinkso.I’mactuallyreallypissedathim,too.Henevertoldmehewasinviting

anyone.Itwassupposedtobethefourofus.Iwouldhaveneverintentionallyputyouinthissituation.”

“Whydidsheagreetothis?”
“Sheliterallyonlyfoundoutrightbeforewecamedownstairs.ShethoughtIwasinonitandgot

madatme.Iwouldhaveneverdonethattoher.Iwantedthisnighttobespecial.Iwashopingyoutwo
wouldfinallygetyouracttogethertonight.”

“Fuck,Tarah.Idon’twanthernearthatguy.”
“Youdon’twantanyguynearher.”
“No,Idon’t.”
“Youreallylikeher.”
“It’ssomuchmorethanthat.Youdon’tknowthehalfofit.”
“Youtwoarecrazyabouteachother.Youneedtotellherhowyoufeeltonight.Whateveritis

you’reholdingback,itneedstoendtonight.”

“IneedtobealonewithNina.Helpmemakethathappen.”
“Okay.We’llgobacktothetableforabit.Then,atsomepoint,getheralone,andifyouguys

leave,I’llhandlethedamage.”

“Thankyou.”
“Comeon.Let’sgoback,”shesaidbeforeleadingthewaybackintothediningroom.
Whenwereturnedtothetable,myshotofvodkawaswaitingforme.Iimmediatelyliftedittomy

mouthwhileNinawatchedmyeverymove.ThealcoholburnedmythroatasIdowneditallinonegulp,
slammingtheglassonthetablewhenfinished.Myeyesdartedovertoher.Shelookedlikeshewas
expectingmetoeruptinanger.Instead,mymouthslowlyspreadintoawickedgrin.Alookofrelief
washedoverherfaceasshereturneditwithasmilethattoldmeeverythingIneededtoknowaboutwhere
shestoodaboutme.

ItwasatthatmomentthatIbecamesurethetalkcouldn’twaitanylonger.Deepdown,I’dalways

knownthisnightwasgoingtoendinoneoftwoways:withmeinsideofherorgonefromtheapartment.
Therewasn’tgoingtobeamiddleground.

Iwasdone.
Donepretending.
Donewaiting.
Doneoverthinkingeverything.
Ninabelongedtome,andthisshitneededtobeworkedouttonight.
DouchebagMikewasstillattemptingtotalktoher.Ninawasinthemiddleofpolitelyanswering

oneofhisquestionswhenIplacedmyhandonherthighunderthetable.Ismiledmischievouslyasshe
flinchedandtrippedoverherwords.Movingmyhandslowlyupwards,Imademywaytoherbikiniline
andbrushedmythumbalongtheseamofherunderwear.Shehadnoideahowcloseshewastogetting
fingerfuckedrightthenandtherewhileinthemiddleoftalkingabouthermolecularbiologyrequirement.
Thinkingbetterofit,IslidmyhanddownthelengthofherthighasIsqueezedit,sendingheramessage
loudandclearwithmyhandthatshewasmine,nothis.Whenshelookedoveratme,Islidmytonguering
betweenmyteeth,bothoutoffrustrationandbecauseitwastheonethingIdidthatsheadmitteddroveher
crazy.

Ihitmylimit.I’dwaitedenough.Gettingupfrommyseatwithoutexcusingmyself,Itookadeep

breathandwalkedout.ReturningtothespotintheemptyhallwaywhereTarahandIhadbeentalking
earlier,Itookoutmyphone.

Meetmeinthehallway.

Myheartwasbeatingfasterwitheachsecond.IhadnocluewhatIwasgoingtosayordotoher.

AllIknewwasthatshewouldn’tbereturningtothatseatacrossfromhim.

Myhandswereinmypocketswhensheappeared.
“Hi,”shesaid.
Theskinbelowherneckwasredandalittleblotchy.Thissituationhadapparentlygottentoher

good,too.

“Hi.”
“What’sgoingon?”
“Thatguywaslookingatyoulikehewantedtoripyourdressoffwithhisteeth.”I’mtheonlyone

that’sgonnahavetheprivilegeofdoingthat.“IhadtogetoutoftherebeforeIkilledhimwithmybare
hands.”

“Whywouldthatbotheryou?”
Shewasfuckingwithme.
“Youknowwhy.”
ImovedinclosertohersothatshecouldfeelmywordsonherfacewhenIspoke.“Whydidn’t

youtellmeitwasyourbirthday?”

“Ifiguredyou’dbeawayanyway,soIjustnevermentionedit.”Heradmissionfilledmewith

regret.Ninaclearlyfeltthatshewasplayingsecondfiddletosomething.

“Iwouldnevermissyourbirthday.Never.Youunderestimatedhowimportantyouaretome,

Nina.”

“I’msorry.”
“Youshouldhavetoldme.TarahcalledmeFridaywhenIwasalreadyinBoston,soIdecidedto

surpriseyoutonight.”

“You’resneaky.”
“You’refuckinggorgeous.”
Ishutmyeyes,feelingmycomposureslippingaway.Ineededtogetheroutofhereasfastas

possibleandgetthetalkoverwith.Birthdayornot,wecouldn’tgoonthiswayanylonger.Seeingher
tonighthadchangedmyabilitytoevenwaitthetwenty-fourhours.

“Thankyou.You’renotsobadyourself,”shesaid.Then,sheplacedhersmallfingersonthe

bottomofmyshirtandpulledlightlyatthematerial,causingmydicktoharden.

Iclearedmythroat.“Tarahexplainedtomeaboutwhat’shisnameinthere.Shedidn’tknowhe

wasgoingtobeherewhensheinvitedme.ShetoldmeRyanambushedyou.”

“WhatifIwereonadate?”
Shewouldn’thavewantedtohearthetrueanswertothatquestionbecauseitwouldhavemademe

soundlikeanut.

“Iguessifhemadeyouhappy,I’dbeokaywithit.”
“Isee.”
“Thatwasalie.”
“Oh.”
“Iwouldn’tbeokaywithit.Fuck…Imissedyou.”Myhandlandedonhertinywaist.WhenI

squeezedit,sheclosedhereyesinstantlyasifI’dhitamagicspot.Ourfirstkisswasn’tgoingtobeinthis
dingyhallway.Still,theneedtohavemymouthonherwasuncontrollable,soIgrabbedherhandand
kissedithard.

“Imissedyou,too,”shesaid.
“Goonadatewithme.”
“What?”
“Spendtherestofyourbirthdaywithmetonight.Let’sgetoutofhererightnow,gosomewhere,

anywhere.Ijustwanttobealonewithyou.Ican’tsaywhatIwant…dowhatIwant…inthishallway.”

Wedevisedaplantomakeupanexcuseandleave.Shejustneededtousethebathroomfirst.So,I

returnedtothetableandwaited.

Mr.CuntwasbusychattingaboutworkwithRyan.IwinkedatTarahandnoddedtosilentlylether

knowthatNinaandIweremovingforwardwithhersuggestionthatweleavethedinnerparty.

MystomachwasinknotsasIusedthetimethatNinawasinthebathroomtoplanoutthenext

coupleofhours.We’dgotoanintimaterestaurantforaprivatedinner.I’dletherinonthesecretthat
todaywasmybirthday,too.We’dreturntotheapartment,andIwouldlayeverythingonthelinetonight,
hopingandprayingthatsheacceptedit.

Nevermorenervousaboutanythinginmyentirelife,IgrabbedNina’swineanddownedtherest

ofit.Shewouldn’thavetimetofinishitanyway,sincemyplanwastowhiskherawaythesecondshe
cameoutofthebathroom.Iwasgoingtoleavefirst,callheronhercellpretendingtobeafamilymember
withanemergency,andthenshe’dfollowsoonafter.Wemighthavelefttogether,butthatwouldhave
madethingsobvious,andRyanreallydidn’tneedtoknowourbusiness.

Myphonevibrated.ItwasatextfromNina.

YoufuckedDesiree???

Istoodup,staringdownatthephoneasmyheartnearlyexplodedoutofmychest.Mystomach

churned.Whatwashappening?

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
WhenIlookedup,Ninawassqueezingthroughcrampedtableswithmascararunningdownher

cheeks.

Mycallwasurgent,“Nina!”
Shewouldn’tlookatmeasshemadeherwaytowardtheexit.Desireewaswatchingthewhole

thingunfoldwithherarmscrossed.ItfeltlikeaveinwasgoingtopopoutofmyneckasIturnedtoher
andscreamed,“Whatthefuckdidyousaytoher?”

Sheshruggedhershoulderswithasmuglookonherface.
Fuckingwhore.
NeedingtogettoNina,Ididn’tevenbothertopushDesireeforaresponse.Theloudthudofa

chairfallingcausedheadstoturnasIknockedintothingswhilerunningoutoftherestaurant.

Snowflakestauntinglydancedaroundmyfaceintheairoutside.Mrs.Ballsworthywasinthe

window.

Iheldupmyhands.“Nottonight,Balls.Fuckingnottonight.”
Ididn’tneedtobetoldtofuckmyselfrightnowbecauseIwasalreadyroyallyfucked.

CHAPTER18

Past

PantingasIskippedoverstepstogetupstairsasfastaspossible,Istoppedbrieflyinfrontofour

apartmentdoortograbmybearings.MyguttoldmethatnothingwasevergoingtobethesameafterI
walkedinthere.Andnowwiththismajorhiccup,therewouldbeanotherhurdletogetthroughbefore
tellingNinaaboutIvy.

Iburstthroughthedoor.
Ninawasstandinginfrontofmeholdingaduffelbag.Mychesttightenedinagonyatthevisionof

herwalkingoutonme.Shewouldleavetonightovermydeadbody.Ifeitheroneofuswasgoingto
disappear,itwasgoingtobeme.

“Nina,please…talktome.Please.”
Sheplacedthelargebaginfrontofherchest.“Stayawayfromme.Ihavenothing…nothing…to

saytoyou.”

Myheartfelltomystomachuponseeingherusethebagasashieldtoprotectagainstme.Thebest

courseofactionwastokeepmydistance,buttherewasnofuckingwayIwasgoingtoletherrunaway.
Tryingtocatchmybreath,Istoodrightinfrontofthedoortopreventherfromleaving.

Herhairwasdisheveled,butshestilllookedsoamazinglybeautiful.Theblueofheririseswas

evenmorestrikingincontrasttotheraccooneyescausedbyherbleedingeyemakeup.

“Youhavetoletmeexplain.”
“Explain!Youwantmetostandhereandlistentoyouexplainhowyoufuckedthatwhoreso

easilywhileyouputmyfeelingsthroughthewringerformonths,confusingmeandsendingmemixed
messages?Youhadnoproblem‘makinghercomeuntilshescreamed’…didyou?Andbelieveme,itwas
adoozy.Ihearditformyself.”

Iblinkedrepeatedlytryingtocomprehendit.Atfirst,thewordshadn’tsunkin.
Ihearditformyself.
“Fuck…what?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“That’sright.ThedayImovedin.Youwerefuckingherinyourroom.Rememberthatday?Well,I

washereunpacking.IthoughtIwasaloneanddidn’trealizewhatwasgoingonuntilitwastoolate.I
heardeverything,Jake…everything.”Shestartedtocry.

FlashbacksfromthedaythatNinamovedinplayedoutinmyheadlikeamovieonfastforward.

EarlierthatafternoonmarkedthefinaltimeDesireeandIweretogether.

Thepinkscarfonthefloorinthelivingroom.
Fuck.
Ninawasthere.
ItfeltlikeIwasgoingtothrowup.Allthistime,shewashangingontothat,probablywondering

howthefuckIcouldbewithsomeoneelseintimatelyandnotherafterallthesemonths.Desireemust
havespitefullyconfrontedherinthebathroom,andnow,Ninahadafacetogoalongwiththatmemory.It
boggledmymindtoimaginewhatitwouldfeellikeifthesituationwerereversed,ifIhadtoendure
hearingNinafuckingsomeoneelse.

Myheartwasbreaking.
“OhmyGod.”Walkingtowardherwithpleadingeyes,Isaid,“Iamsosorry.”

Shewouldn’trelent.“Ifyou’llexcuseme,pleasegetoutofmyway.Ineedtofindsomewhereelse

tostaytonight.”

“You’renotgoinganywhere.Notuntilyouhearmeout.”
“Itoldyou.Ihavenothingtosaytoyou.”
Iplacedmyhandsonherarmsthatwerecoveredingoosebumps.“I’llleavetonight,butI’mnot

goinganywhereuntilyouletmeexplain.Doyouhearme?”Itookmyhandtoherchinandturnedherface
towardme.“Lookatme.”Shekepthereyespointeddownward.Irepeated,“Look…atme.”

Nevermoredeterminedtogetamessageacross,mystareburnedintohersuntilIwassureI

ownedherfullattention.

ItriedmybesttoexplainthesituationwithDesiree,howitwasjustsex,nothingmore.Shedidn’t

reallyseemtobeunderstandingme.WhenNinacalledmeawhore,Inearlylostit.

HerbaglandedonthefloorinaloudthudafterIthrewitviolentlyontheground.Takingherhand,

Iforcedherdownthehall.

Onceinherroom,Ibackedheragainstthewallandtriedonceagaintogetitthroughherheadhow

bigofamistakeDesireewas.ItoldNinathatmyhearthadn’tbeatthesamesincethedayshemovedinto
theapartment.Thenextminuteorsowasablurasfeelingsheldcaptiveinmyheartformonthsjustpoured
outofme.Eventually,herexpressionbegantosoften.Mynervesbecamemoreshotwitheachsecond
becauseIknewIwasabouttotellhereverything.

“You’rethefirstthingIthinkaboutinthemorningandthelastthingIthinkaboutatnight.Andthen,

youinvademythoughtsanddreamsinbetween.Ihavetriedsohardtostopthesefeelings.I’veputupas
manybarriersasIcouldstandto,buttheyarecrumblingdown.Ican’tdoitanymore.”Buryingmyfacein
herneck,Ispokeontoherskin,“Ican’tdoitanymore…Ican’tdoitanymore.”Iplacedmyhandsonher
hipsandcoveredhermouthwithmine.“I’vecomeundone.”

Unleashingthosethreewordshadsetmeoff.Itwaslikeafinalbuttonhadbeenpushed.Grabbing

herface,ImoanedintohermouthasIkissedherdeeplywitheverythinginme.Thefirstrecognitionofher
tastemademeimmediatelyaddicted,needingtonotonlytastehermouthbuteveryinchofher.Wantingto
kissherdeeper,Iurgedhermouthopenasmytonguelashedathersrepeatedly.Itwasn’tenough.Asthe
kissbecamemoreintense,itwasimpossibletokeepmyhandsoffherbody.HerdressrippedasI
franticallypulledatthematerialathersides.

WhenNinagrabbedmyhair,agroansodeepfromthebackofmythroatvibratedintohermouth.

Mydickwassoexcruciatinglyhardthatwhenshestartedtorubupagainstme,itbecamenecessaryto
pushbackbeforeIcame.Itwasthatbad.

Panting,Iplacedmyhandsonhercheeks.“Ineedtotellyousomething,Nina.Weneedtohave

thattalknow.”

Alookofpureterrorwashedoverherfaceasseveralsecondsoftensesilencepassed.
“Idon’tcareaboutyourpastorwhat’sgoingoninBoston.Please…I’mbeggingyou.Let’snotdo

thisnow.Don’tsayanythingtonight.We’llhavethetalktomorrowlikeweweresupposedto.WhatIneed
rightnowmorethanIhaveeverneededanythingisforyoutomakelovetome,Jake.”

Myhandsshookastheyremainedcuppedaroundherface.Thetemptationoftakingheruponthat

offerwassimplytoostrongtoresist.

Don’tsayanything.
Makelovetome.
ItfeltlikeImightdieifIcouldn’thaveher,ifIcouldn’tgrantherwishes.
“YouhavenoideahowbadlyIneedtobeinsideofyourightnow.”
“Please…Idon’twanttohavethetalktonight,okay?”
Gettingthattasteofherhadweakenedallofmyinhibitions,turningmeintoavirilebeast.Inthat

moment,IcouldresistNinanomorethanadruggiecouldresistavialofheroinehangingoverhisnose.

WrongorrightceasedtoexistasIstoodbeforeherblindedbyanuncontrollableneed.IknewI

wasgivingin,becausetheriskofneverhavingthisopportunityagainwasasignificantone,especially
afterthewayshereactedaboutDesiree.Selfishly,Iconvincedmyselfthatifgiventhechancetoownher
bodytonight,Icouldwreckherforanyoneelse,makehermineandincreasethelikelihoodthatshe
wouldn’tbeabletoleaveme.

I’dmadethedecisiontotakewhatIneeded.Knowingalreadywhattheanswerwouldbe,Imade

herapropositiontoatleasthelpeasemyconscience.“Nina,eitherwehavethistalknow,oryouare
goingtohavetomakemeablindpromise.”

“Okay…”
Shewasscared.Whenateardropfelldownhercheek,Iplacedmytonguealongherskin,licking

itawayasIwhisperedagainstherface,“Ineedyoutopromiseme…thatyouwon’tleaveme.”

Shesilentlyandrepeatedlynoddedagainstmyforehead.
“Makesureyoumeanthat.BecauseIcan’tmakelovetoyouthewayIwanttotonight,onlytolose

youthenextday.Itwillfuckingdestroyme.Ineedtoknowyou’llbeminenomatterwhatIthrowatyou.
Promiseme.”

“I’myours.Ihaveneverbelongedtoanyonebefore…butIknowthatIbelongtoyou.”
“Lookatmeandsayit.”
“I’myours.Thereisnothingthatcouldmakemeleaveyou,becauseIdon’tthinkIcouldlive

withoutyou.”

ThatwasallIneededtohear.Thosewordsmeantmoretomethananything,andIprayedthatshe

wastellingthetruth.Isearchedhereyesforanyhintsofhesitation;therewerenone.Itdidn’ttakemuch
convincingformyweakenedmindandbodytoagreethatitwasokaytotrusther,okaytogivein.Pulling
herintome,IknewthatthistimeIwasn’tlettinggo.“Well,that’sgood,becauseIwasn’tlivingbefore
you.”

Istayedholdingher,lettingtheheatofherbodyevaporateallremnantsofdoubtwithinme.
Thewordsthatcameoutofhernextconfirmedtherewasnogoingback.
“Ineedyoutofuckme,Jake.”

***

We’dstartedoffslowandsteady.I’dundressedherdowntoherunderwear,andwejustexplored

eachother’smouthsforawhile.Shekepttuggingatmylipringwithherteethwhileherbaretitsrubbed
againstmyshirt.Itwasdrivingmeinsane,anditwasn’tlongbeforeI’dlosetheabilitytogoeasyonher.

ShewhimperedasIloweredmymouthontohernippleandsuckedhardbeforeswitchingoverto

theotherside.

“Doesthathurt?”
“No…feelsgood.”
Isuckedharder,unabletofullybelieveshe’dgivenmefreereignofthebeautifulrackI’dspent

monthsworshippingfromafar.Herskinwassoft,andsweet,andIcouldn’twaittomarkeveryinchofher
body.

AsIcontinuedfeastingonher,sheplacedherhandonmydick,whichwasburstingthroughmy

jeans.ShesighedwhenshegotaloadofhowhardIwas.

Iclampeddownonhernipplegentlywithmyteethandreleasedit.“Nowyouknowwhatyoudo

tome.IwanttofeelwhatIdotoyou.”

Nudgingatherunderwear,Islippedmyfingerinsideofherwarmopening.Shewassoincredibly

wetthatIcouldhearitasImovedinandoutofherrepeatedlyforminutes.Atonepoint,herpussywas
startingtoconvulsearoundmyhand,soIpulledoutbeforeshecouldcome.Unabletoresist,Islowly

lickedeverydropofheroffofmyfingersandmoaned,savoringthesweetandsaltytaste.

“YoutastebetterthanIcouldhaveimagined.”
“Ialmostcame,”shesaid.
“Iknow.IalmostlostitmyselfbecauseIlovehowturnedonyouare.That’swhyIstopped.But

that’snothowIwantyourfirsttimewithmetohappen.Andbelieveme,Nina,thisisgonnabeyourreal
firsttime.”

AccordingtoNina,she’dnevercomeduringsexinherlife.Beingthefirstmantomakethat

happenwasachallengeIwashappytotakeonandplannedtosucceedmultipletimestonight.Howitwas
goingtohappenfirstwasthequestion.

Sheneededtolosethepanties.Ipulledherunderweardownandtookherinasshestood

completelynakedbeforeme.Athinlandingstripofhairbarelycoveredherbeautifulpussy.Mybeautiful
pussynow.Mymouthwateredwithaneedtodevourit.So,IdecidedthatI’dbringhertoorgasmwithmy
mouthfirst.

FeelingliketheluckiestmanonEarth,Igrabbedherfaceandpulledherintoapassionatekiss.
“You’rethemostbeautifulwomanintheentireworld.”
“Iwanttoseeyounakedtoo,”shesaid.
Ismiledoverhermouthandinalowandseductivevoicesaid,“Undressme.I’myours.”
Iwatchedashertinyfingersworkedtoundothebuttonsofmyshirt.Shekissedandranhertongue

slowlyovertheripplingmusclesofmychestandabsasifshewereworshippingme.Shetracedlines
overmytatswithhertongue.Myheartwasbeatingamileaminutefromtheintensityoffeelinghermouth
onmybodyforthefirsttime.

Mydicktwitchedinanticipationassheundidmyjeans.Whenshetriedtotakemyboxerbriefs

off,Igrabbedherwristtostopher.

“Ithinkweneedtokeeptheseonforalittlewhile.”
“Howcome?”
“BecauseIdon’twanttolosecontrolandburymyselfinsideofyoubeforeIhavethechanceto

makeyoucomewithmymouth.Laydown,beautiful.”

Ihoveredoverherandoverthenextseveralminutesworkedmymouthslowlydownherbody

fromonesetoflipsdowntotheother.

“Openyourlegswideforme,Nina.”
Sheseemedhesitant,givingtheimpressionthatnoonehadeverdonethistoher.
Moreinsistently,Irepeated,“Wider.”
Istoppedforafewmomentstojustappreciatethevisionofherspreadeaglebeforeme.Mylips

trembledwithneedastheylowereddownontoher.Thesecondthetipofmytonguelandedonherpussy,
mycockbegantopainfullythrob.Mymouthopenedandclosedoverherwetfolds,alternatingbetween
kissing,lickingandsuckinghertenderclit.Eachtimetheballofmytongueringwouldlapoverit,she’d
writheunderme,whimperingandkickingherlegs.

I’dgonedownonwomenbefore.TheturnonhadalwaysbeenderivedfromsimplyknowingthatI

wasgivingpleasuretosomeoneelse.ItwasdifferentformewithNina.NotonlywasIgettingoffon
pleasuringher,butevenmore,Icouldn’tseemtogetenoughofhertaste,ofherheat,ofherwetarousalon
mytongue.IwasconsuminghergreedilylikeIwasstarvingandcouldn’tstop.Iwastornbetweennever
wantinghertocomesothatIcouldcontinueonendlesslyandwantingsobadlytofeelhercomingonmy
face.

Herlegswerebecomingmorefidgetyandherbreathingirregular.Itseemedlikeshewasholding

back,tryingtoprolongit.

“It’sokay…letgo,”Isaid.
Whenitseemedlikeshecouldn’ttakeanymore,Idecidedtostopforabittoseewhatwould

happen.Istuckmyfingersinsideofheragainandrubbedherclitwithmythumb.

Hervoicewasgroggy.“Jake…”
“Whatdoyouwant,Nina?Sayit.”
“Iwantyoutolickmethereagain.”
“Good,becauseIwanttotasteyouwhileyoucome.”
Shesurrenderedtheinstantmymouthboredownonherpussyagain.Hermusclespulsatedagainst

myinsatiabletongueasshedughernailsintomyhair.Wescreamedoutinunison,herhipsbuckingasI
moanedintoher,lappingupeverylastbitofherorgasm.

Assheslowlycamedownfromherclimax,Irestedmyheadonherstomach,lickingtheremnants

ofhersweetcomeoffmylips.Ithenslowlykissedmywayupherbodytohermouth,wantinghertotaste
herselfonme.

Sopainfullyhardfromwhathadjusttakenplace,waitingmuchlongertobeinsideofherwasnot

anoption.

“Iwantmore,”shebreathedout.
“Now,Iwant…you.”
Ninasurprisedmewhenshetooktheinitiativetopullmyboxerbriefsdown.Myfullyerectcock

sprungforward,glisteningwithprecum.Shewrappedhertinyhandaroundmygirthandbegantostroke
me.Theeuphoricfeelingofhertouchingmewastoomuchtobear,soIgotup,kneelingoverher.She
staredatmeinawe,likeshewassurprisedatthesheersizeofme.Thatlookofwonderonherface
causedmorebeadsofwetnesstobuildatmytip.Ienjoyedwatchingherfaceasshecontinuedtosizeme
up.Whenshetookmycockinherhandagain,Ialmostlostit.

“Stop,”Iurged.
IgrabbedacondomasfastasIcould,rippingitopenwithmyteethandsheathingmyself.I

stoppedtolookdownather,relishingthelastmomentsbeforeshe’dbefullyandwhollymine.Iwanted
sobadlytotellherthatIlovedherbutdidn’thavethecourageyet.Despitehergivingherselftome,Iwas
stillterrifiedoflosinghertomorrow,andthatfueledtheurgentneedtobeinsideofher.

Loweringmyselfbetweenherlegs,Iwaitedbeforemovingin,knowingthatIwouldwanttosee

thelookonherfacethesecondIenteredher.

“Iwantyoutoforgettheothersexualexperiencesyouthinkyouhadbecausethisisyourfirsttime.

Youwillalwaysbelongtomeandunlikeyourprickex-boyfriend,I’mgonnafinishthejob.”

Herchestwasheavingasshelookedupatmeinanticipation.Iranmynoseslowlyandteasingly

alonghernecktotakeinhersmellafinaltimebeforeclaimingher.

Hereyesflewopenwide,andshewincedasIpushedinsideofherinoneslowbutintense

movement.Myeyesshutinecstasyuponfeelinghertight,wetpussywrappedaroundmydick.Forseveral
minutes,afearofhurtinghercausedmetomoveslowerthanIcouldstand.

“You’resotight,Nina.Sofuckingtight.Iwasn’texpectingittofeellikethisatall.It’stoogood…

toohardformetowanttogoeasyonyou.”

IknewIneededmore,tofuckherharder,rougher,butindiscoveringhowsmallshewas,I

wonderedifshewouldevenbeabletotakeit.

Asifshecouldreadmymind,shesaid,“Fuckmeharder,then.”
“Yousureyoucantakeit,baby?”
“Yes.”Sheinhaleddeeplybeforeexhaling.“Please.”
“Youdon’thavetoaskmetwice.”
ShescreamedoutasIrammedintoher,“Fuck!”
Witheachthrust,sheseemedtostretch,graduallymoldingtome.AsImovedinandoutofher

body,Ispokeintoherear,“Nothing’severfeltlikethis.You’veruinedme.”Iwhisperedevenlower,
“You’veruinedme.”

“OhGod…don’tstop.Godeeper.”
PumpinginandoutofherasIlightlybithershoulder,itwashardtokeepmyselffromcoming.
“You’regonnafeelthistomorrow,”Isaidintoherear.“You’llstillfeelmeinsideofyou.”
“Good.That’swhatIwant.Iwantittohurt.”
Shit.
HerwordseggedmeonasIfuckedherharder.
“You…belong…tomenow,Nina.”
Shespokethroughheavybreaths,“I’vebelongedtoyoufromthemomentyousaid‘hi,I’mJake.’”
Welaughedagainsteachother’smouthsasIcontinuedtopoundintoherasthebedsqueakedover

andover.Hersweetwordscutdeep.I’dalwaysfeltthatway,too.Somehow,she’downedmefromthe
beginningevenwhenitdidn’tmakesensetofeelthatwayaboutastranger.

Whenherhandslandedonmyass,Iletoutagrowl.Thatwasaseriousweakspotforme.
WecontinuedtofuckharduntilIsensedshecouldn’ttakeitanylonger.Herpussyhadclenched

aroundmeassheclosedhereyestightly.

“Openthem.Lookatme.Iwanttolookinyoureyeswhenwecometogether.”
IknewnomatterwhathappenedthatIwouldneverforgetthatmoment.Sheheldmyfaceinher

hands,andoureyeslocked.Whenshescreamedoutinpleasure,everyounceoffear,everyemotionI’d
everfelttowardher,alloftheloveexplodedoutofmeasIcameinanorgasmsointense,itseemedlikeit
mightneverend.

Asmyseedspilledinsideofher,Isilentlymouthed,Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.

***

We’dstayedupforhoursfuckingtothepointofnearexhaustion.Shewasn’tgoingtobeableto

walkstraight,anditstillhadn’tbeenenoughforme.

Notonlyhadlastnightdoneanumberonusphysically,butnow,almostnothinghadbeenleft

unsaid.

Ninahadnoddedoffaroundoneinthemorning.Watchinghersleephadmademerestless,andI

neededsomethingtogetmymindoffthedayaheadsincewe’dagreedtohavethetalkassoonasIcame
homefromwork.

Iusedtheopportunitytowriteherapoem,puttingdownonpaperwhatIwasafraidI’dneverbe

abletoarticulateintherightway.Attheendofit,Ifinallyusedthe‘L’word.

AndasIlayherewatchinghersleep,
Irealizemyfeelingsrundeep.
Becausetheyburnandcutlikeaknife.
IthinkIlovehermorethanlife.

SleepclaimedmeshortlyafterIwroteit.Ninahadwokenupfirstaround2a.m.andhadfoundthe

poem.TheveryfirstthingthatcameoutofhermouthwhenIwoketofindthewhitepieceofpaperinher
handwas,“Iloveyou,Jake.”She’dsaiditwithnohesitation,asifthewordswerealwaysthereatthetip
ofhertonguewaitingtocomeout.

Asbeautifulasitwastofinallyhearthem,theyalsostunginlightofthisbeingthedayIhadtotell

herIwasmarried.

Wouldshestillloveme?
Theclockshowed5:30a.m.now.She’dfinallygonebacktosleeparoundfour.Mybladderwas

readytoexplode.Eventhoughthethoughtofleavingherforevenasecondbotheredme,Ineededtogetup

totakeapiss.

Liftingmyselfoutofbedasquietlyaspossible,Istretchedthenslowlywalkeddownthehall.AsI

waswashingmyhands,thesightofRyanbehindmeinthemirrorcausedmetoflinch.

Hishairwasamess,andhiseyeswerebloodshot.“Areyouhappynow?”
ThefaucetsqueakedasIclosedit.“Excuseme?”
“Congratulations.Yougotwhatyouwanted.Howdiditfeeltofuckher?”
“Ibetyou’dlovetoknow,andIthinkthat’sbeenyourproblemallalong.”
“Youknowwhat,Jake?Whenyou’relonggone,I’mgonnabetheoneleftbehindtopickupthe

piecesofherbrokenheart.”

“You’regoingtobepickingupthepiecesofyourbrokenfaceinaminuteifyoudon’tgothefuck

backtobedandstayoutofourbusiness.”

“Ninaismybusiness.Alwayswillbe.Ifyouhurther,I’llkillyou.”
“Ifyoucouldseebeyondyourownegotisticaljealousy,you’dknowthatI’dratherdiethanhurt

her.Youdon’tknowanythingaboutwhoIam,Ryan.”

“Well,Ithinkit’stimewefoundout.”
“Getthefuckawayfromme.”
Intentionallyknockingintohisshoulder,Iwalkedpasthimandoutofthebathroom.Hewaslucky

thatIcouldn’taffordtofuckuptoday,otherwise,Iwouldhaveknockedhimout.

GoingfromdealingwithhisnegativitytotheangelicvisionofNinasleepingsoundlybackinher

bedroomwasquitethecontrast.

AsmuchasItriednottoletthembotherme,Ryan’swordsofwarningshookmetomycore.Itfelt

likeeverythingwassuddenlyclosinginonme.Thesoundsofthemorningoutsidewerestartingtoseep
throughtheapartmentwalls,areminderthatitwasgoingtobetimetogetreadyforworksoon.Ididn’t
everwantthisdaytobegin.

Theneedforreassuranceovertookme.
Slowlyinhalingthesmellofoursexonherbody,Inuzzledmynoseintoherneck.“Getup,baby.I

needyou.”

Ninastirred,pressingherbareassintomyrockhardmorningwood.Completelynakedagainstmy

boxers,sheturnedaroundandsoftlykissedmyface.

“Doyouhavetogetupnow?”sheaskedinthecutestraspyvoice.
“Notthissecond.Soon,though.”
Shemusthavesensedmystresswhenshewrappedherhandsaroundmyface.“Areyouokay?”
“Ijust…Ineedtobeinsideofyouagain.”Myvoicewasstrained.
“Iwantthat,too.Butweranout,remember?Wedon’thaveanything,”shesaid,alludingtothe

stripofcondomswetorethroughlastnight.

“Shit.I’dforgottenaboutthat.”Kissinghernose,Ijoked,“DoyouthinkitwouldgooffwellifI

askedRyanforone?”

Shegiggledintomyface.“Thatwouldbehilarious.”
Notwantingtoruinourlastminutestogether,Ichosenottotellheraboutthebathroomaltercation

betweenhimandme.

Shestartedtolowermyboxersthenslidherbodydownsothatshewaseyelevelwithmycrotch.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked.
“Theonethingwedidn’ttrylastnight.”
“Youdon’thaveto.Youdon’t…”Myabilitytospeakceasedwhenshetwirledhertongueslowly

aroundmycrown.“Ah.God,Nina.”

Rubbingherthumbalongthetip,shespreadmyprecumaroundasalubricantandusedittojerk

meoff.Whensheslowlylickeddownmylength,mypreviouslytensebodyhadcompletelysurrenderedto

her.

Ibarelygotthewordsout,“Fuck…that’sgood.”
Shehummedinapparentagreement,andthesoundvibrateddownmyshaft.
“Ahhhh,”Imoanedasshesuddenlytookthefulllengthofmedownherthroat.Grippingtheback

ofherhead,Istartedtofuckherbeautifulmouth.I’dimaginedthoselipswrappedaroundmycockso
manytimes,buttherealityofhowamazingitactuallyfeltwasmind-blowing.

Atonepoint,shegagged.
“Youokay?”
Sherespondedwithanodandproceededtotakemeevendeeperintohermouth.Thiscouldn’t

havebeenherfirsttimesuckingcock.Shewastoodamngoodatit.Itriedlikehelltoblockoutthat
disturbingthought.

Myeyesrolledbackfromtheintensepleasure.Icouldhaveexplodedatanysecondbutwasusing

alltherestraintwithinmetoprolongthis.

I’ddoneagoodjobuntilsheslowlypulledmycockoutofhermouthandsaid,“Iwantyouto

comeinmymouth.”

EventhoughIwasn’tplanningondoingthat,theopeninvitationwastootempting.Strokingme

faster,shestartedtosuckagainandwithinseconds,hotcumshotstraightoutofmeasshetookitalldown
herthroatuntilitwasgone.Theorgasmwassopowerful,itknockedmeonmyassasIlayback,panting
andstaringattheceiling.

Aftertwentyminutesoflyingtogetherwideawake,Icametotherealizationthatsomethingwas

seriouslywrongwithmebecausemydickwasstartingtogethardagain.I’dneverhadstaminalikethisin
myentirelife.

ThetimewasgettingdangerouslyclosetowhenI’dhavetogetupforwork.Ineededtomakeher

comeonelasttimebeforeIleft.

“Straddleme,”Isaid.“Iwanttotouchyou.”
Ninagotupandwrappedherlegsaroundme.Myheadwasagainstthebackofthebedasshesat

onmeandstaredintomyeyeswithalookthatwasacrossbetweenfearandelation.Herblondelocks
wereabeautifulmess,coveringherchest.

“Moveyourhairback.”
Ninabrushedherlongtressesbehindherback.Herhairwaslikefriggin’spungold.Iplacedmy

handsonherbreastsandgentlysqueezed,massagingthemasshecontinuedtolookdownatme.Shehad
marksalloverherbodyfromwhereI’dsuckedandbitonherskin.Icouldn’tgetenoughofherlastnight.
We’dbothletourguardscompletelydown.Therewasnoholdingbackourtruefeelingsanymore.Her
eyesreflectedalevelofloveformethat,asidefrommaybemyfather,I’dneverreceivedfromanyone
before.Iwantedtorememberthismomentofpeacefortherestofmylife.Iusedtothinkthatlosingher
woulddevastateme.Butafterlastnight,Iknewitwouldkillme.

“Iloveyousomuch,”IwhisperedasImovedmyhandssoftlydownthesidesofherhips.Mydick

feltreadytoexplodefromtheheatofherpussyasshesatovermyballs.

Whatcameoutofhermouthnextreallytouchedanerve.
“Islovesupposedtohurtlikethis?Whydoesthishurt?”
Iliftedmyhandtoherfaceandrubbedmythumbagainsthercheek.“Itwouldn’tberealifit

didn’t.Ifeelthatpain,too.I’veneverlovedanyonelikeIloveyou,Nina.”

Unabletocontainmyself,Ipulledherdownontomychestanddevouredhermouth.Thesaltiness

ofmycumlingeredonhertongue.

Herwetpussywasgrindingbackandforthalongmydicknow.Wewerecompletelydrowningin

eachother.Withmydeparturetimeapproaching,mymindstartedtogoofftherails.Itscaredmethatthere
wasstillachanceImightnevergettoexperiencethisagainifthingsdidn’tworkinmyfavor.

Myholdonhergrewtighter.Onceagain,fearwasfuelinganintenseneedtobeinsideofher.At

onepoint,herbodyshiftedinawaythatmeantheropeningwasrightovermytip.Icouldn’tresistslowly
pushinginside.ItoldmyselfIwouldstopafterjustonelastquickfeelofher.Herwarmpussyenveloped
mycock,andshebegantorideme.Weweren’tusinganythingforprotection,buttheneedforherblinded
myjudgment.Whenwewerephysicallyconnected,everythingfeltsafe,likeoursoulsandbodieswere
finallyinalignment.Withoutanybarrier,thatfeelingwastenfold.

Nothingelseregisteredinthatmoment,notthetimenortheconsequencesofouractions.Whenher

movementsslowed,andIfelthermusclescontract,aloudgroanescapedmeasIemptiedinsideofher.
Therewasnowayourroommateshadn’theardit.Itwasthemostpowerfulorgasmofmylife.

Myheartthunderedagainsthers,andweheldeachotheruntilIhadtoforcemyselfup.
“Shutyoureyes,baby.Gotosleep.It’sokay.I’llbebacklater.”
“We’regonnahavethetalk,”shewhisperedgroggily.
Inodded.“Yes.”
“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,too.”

***

Somberly,Ireturnedtomybedroomtogetreadyforwork.Myshowerwasareluctantone

becauseIneverwantedtowashthesmellofheroffme.Therewouldbenotimeforonelater,though,
givenourplansforthetalktonight.

Aftereverythingweexperienced,therewasnowayIcouldleaveherempty-handedthismorning.
Quicklyfoldingapieceofconstructionpaperintoanorigamibat,IknewI’dbelateforworkasI

tookmytimeponderingamessagetoleaveherwith.

WhatIalmostwrote:

WhoeversaidDisneywasthehappiestplaceonEarthneverknew…
Whatitfeltliketobeinsideofyou.

WhatIwishedIcouldhavewritten:

Tonightyou’regoingtofeelafraid.
Pleasedon’tforgetthepromiseyoumade.

WhatIactuallywrote:

Iambatshitcrazyforyou.Seeyoutonight.

TheheatwasblastinginNina’sroomwhenIwenttoplacethebatbyherbedside.Itwassowarm

andcozy,asafehavenIneverwantedtoleave.

***

TheblazingmorningsunandthecoldairoutsidewerearudeawakeningasIpoundedthe

pavementandbeganthedreadedday.Withmyearbudsin,IplayedAngelbyAerosmithasIwalkedtothe
subwaystation.ThoughtsofNinasettosongsthatremindedmeofherconsumedeverysecondofmy

commute.

NothingthattranspiredafterIlefttheapartmentthatmorningwentaccordingtoplan.Mytrustin

thebeliefthateverythinghappensforareasonwouldbetestedinabiggerwaythanIcouldhaveever
imagined.

CHAPTER19

Present

Ihadtostopthestory.Theweeksthatfollowedthatmorningweresomeofthehardestofmylife.

Itmademesicktothinkaboutthem.

Skylar’svoiceshookmeoutofmydaydream.“Jake,areyoualright?”
“No.”Istoodup.“Youknowwhat?I’mreallysorrytoleavethestoryundone,butIreallydon’t

thinkIcanrehashanythingelserightnow,especiallyinlightofthecurrentstateofthings.”

IwalkedovertothewindowanddoublecheckedmyphoneforatextfromNina.Nothing.Itwas

gettinglate.Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletotakemuchmoreofthis.

AllisonandCedricreturnedfromthekitchenwithplatesoffoodthey’dwarmedintheoven.
“Jake,we’rejustgonnasetupaspreadonthetableforanyonewho’shungry.”
“Thanks,sis.Youguyseat.Idon’thaveanappetite.”
Ireturnedtotheleatherrecliner.SkylarandMitchstayedonthecouchwhileAllisonandCedric

ateintheadjacentdiningroom.MitchJr.wassleepingintheplaypen,whichwe’dmovedintothespare
bedroom.

Mitchwaslookingatmelikeheexpectedmetocontinuethestory.“Ijustwanttoknowwhat

happenedafteryoutoldher.”

ScrollingthroughthetexthistorywithNinafromearlier,Iscowled.“Ididn’tgettotellher.”
“Huh?”
“Longstoryshort,IgotanemergencycallfromIvy’sgrouphomethatafternoon.They’dtoldme

theythoughtshetriedtocommitsuicideandaskedmetorushtoBoston.Iendedupgettingonaplanethat
dayinsteadofgoingbacktoNina.Ivyendedupbeingfine,butitwasatotalmess.”

“WhatdidyoutellNina?”
“Shewasn’thappy,butshesomehowcontinuedtotrustmewhenIsaiditwasanemergency

relatedtowhatIneededtotalktoherabout.ItoldherIwouldexplaineverythingwhenIreturnedaftera
coupleofdays.Itwasanabsolutenightmare.”

Mitchlookedhorrified.“So,youhadthetalkassoonasyougotback?”
Mytiredmindcouldn’ttakeanymore.“Skylar,Nina’stoldyouthestory,right?Youwanttofill

himin?”

“ThatbastardRyanhadlookedupJake’sinformationinadatabaseatworkandfoundhismarriage

license.HetookhomeacopyofitthatnightandshowedittoNinabeforeJakecameback.”

“Holyshit.Fuck,man.I’msorry.Shetotallythoughtyouwerejustmessingaroundonyourwife,

then?”

“Shelefttheapartmentandwasn’tplanningoneverspeakingtomeagain.IcamehometoRyan

chastisingmeaboutitwhileNinawasnowheretobefound.”

Mitchscrunchedhisforeheadinconfusion.“Wheredidshego?”
“She’dsomehowbecomefriendswithMrs.Ballsworthy’sdaughter,Daria.Thatwasstrangein

itself.Anyway,shemovedinwithherontheothersideofBrooklyn.IhadtochokeRyantogetthe
addressoutofhim.Iendeduplocatingher,andwewerefinallyabletohavethetalk.Butbythattime,our
relationshiphadbeentarnished.”

“Howdidshetakeit?”

Igrindedmyteethinfrustration,notwantingtorecallanythingaboutthatconversation.“Shewas

shocked,toldmeshecouldn’tbewithmeunlessIgotdivorced.Butshedidunderstandmyneedingtotake
careofIvy.Ninahadtoobigofahearttoeverquestionthat.”

Mysisterspokefrombehindme.“Thosemonthswerehorribleforhim.”
Ihadn’trealizedshewaslisteningin.
ShehandedmeaplateeventhoughI’dsaidIhadnoappetite.“Ittookyoualongtimetogarnerthe

couragetotellIvyyouneededtofilefordivorce.”

“Itneededtobedoneverycarefully.IvywasdevastatedonceItoldherI’dfalleninlovewith

someone,mainlybecauseshewassurethatmeantI’dabandonher.Ittooksometimetohashoutallofthe
legalities.ButitwasallnecessaryifIwantedtobewithNina.”

“WheredidthingsstandbetweenyouandNinaduringallthattime?”Mitchasked.
Somuchfornotrehashingeverything.
Ineededtojustexplainitassimplyaspossibleandthenbedonewiththisconversation.
“Bottomline,thingswereroughforawhile.Ryancontinuedtobeanimpediment,too.ButNina

andIcouldneverreallymanagetostayawayfromeachother.Caseinpoint,shegotpregnantwithA.J.
duringthattime.Andthatsurprisewasthemiraclethatsavedus.Thepastnineyearshaven’tgonewithout
challenges,butIfeellikeourlovehasonlygottenstronger.”

IknewMitchunderstoodwhereIwascomingfrombecauseheandSkylarhadcertainlyhadtheir

shareofdrama.Theywereapartforfiveyearsbeforetheyfinallygottheirshitstraight.

Mitchnoddedandscratchedhischin.“HasNinaevermetIvy?”
“No.Idon’tthinkthatwouldbehealthyforeitheroneofthem.Ninaneveraskedtomeether,and

Ivypretendsmyfamilydoesn’texist.It’stheonlywayshecanhandleitwhenshe’sevenawareenoughto
thinkaboutit.It’sacopingmechanism.”

MitchJr.startedcrying,soSkylargotuptoretrievehimfromtheplaypen.
Mitchpointedhisfingeratme.“Bytheway,Ithinkweneedtotagteam,huntthisRyandownand

beathisass.”

“Believeme,hedidn’tescapemywrath.IendedupbeatingtheshitoutofhimoncewhenNina

waspregnant.Butovertheyears,he’sapologizedenoughtimesthatI,atleast,don’twanttokillhim
anymore.It’shardtoavoidhimbecauseNina’sparentsarestillclosetohis.Ryanandhiswifeareatalot
offamilyfunctionswhenwegotoupstateNewYork.HemarriedthisreallycoolchickfromAustralia
namedLisa,whoclearlyhasnoideawhatadickhecanbe.She’swaytoogoodforhim,though.Theyjust
hadasontheynamedafterJimmy.TheylivenotfarfromNina’sparents.Heworksinlawenforcement
nowforthetown.”

Skylarwasfeedingthebabyagain.“Ijustcan’tforgivehimforeverythinghedid,especiallywhat

happenedafterA.J.wasborn.Thatwasjustunconscionable.”

Istraightenedinmychair,uncomfortablewithwherethiswasgoing.“AfterA.J.wasborn?What

areyoutalkingabout?”

“WhenhewenttoNina’sparents’houseduringtheweekshewasstayingtherewiththebaby…

whenyourworksentyouoverseas.”

Myinsidesweretwisting.“Saywhat?”
“Oh,shit.Ninaneversaidanythingtoyou?”
“Apparently,fuckingnot.”
“Ijustassumedshedid.I’msosorry,Jake.Crap.Ishouldn’thavebroughtitup.I—”
“Skylar!Whatthefuckhappened?”Itwasn’tmyintentiontoyell,butthefactthatsheknewabout

somethingthatIdidn’treallypissedmeoff.

“YouknowhowNinawasreallydepressed,goingthroughallofthatpost-partumstuff?”
“Ofcourse,Iremember.ThatwasexactlywhyIdidn’twanthertobealonethatweek.Shewas

constantlyintears.A.J.wasonlyafewmonthsold.ButI’djuststartedanewjobthatIreallyneeded,and
theymademegotoGermanyfortraining,otherwiseIwouldn’thavebeenabletotaketheposition.I
droveheruptoherparents’sotheycouldhelptakecareofher.”

“Yeah.Ninacalledmealotduringthattime.Nooneunderstoodherpostpartumdepression.

Nina’sparentsthoughtitmeantshewasunhappywithyoubecauseofthesituationwithIvy.Somehow,
Ryangotwindofitandshoweduptherethatweek,basicallyprofessinghisloveforher,sayingthatit
wasn’ttoolateforthem,thathecouldmakeherhappy,takecareofherandthebaby.”

Mybodywentrigid.Ibitdownonmybottomlip,nearlydrawingblood.Icouldn’tbelievewhatI

washearing.Immediatelytakingoutmyphone,IscrolleddowntoRyan’sname.

Skylarpanicked.“Pleasedon’tbemadatNina.Whatareyoudoing?”
“Ihavethatfucker’snumber.I’mcallinghim.”
NooneshouldhavewitnessedwhatIplannedtosayordoduringthatcall.Iwalkedintoour

bedroomandslammedthedoorshutasthephonerang.

ThesoundofhisbabycryinginthebackgroundwasthefirstthingIheardwhenthelinepickedup.

Then,cameRyan’svoice.

“Hello?”
“Ryan…”
“Jake?What’sup?Longtimeno—”
“ThelasttimeIsawyouatSheryl’ssixtiethbirthday,doyourememberwhatIsaidtoyou?”
“Yeah.Uh,yousaid,‘lifeistooshorttoholdagrudge.’”
Myhandwassqueezingthepillow.IimagineditwasRyan’sneck.“Well,forgetthat.WhatImeant

was,‘lifeistooshortnottosmashyourheadin.’NexttimeIseeyou,I’mgonnadojustthat.”

“What?Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”
Clenchingmyjaw,Isaid,“WhenImadeamendswithyou,Ididn’tknowthatyoutriedtobreakup

myfamilyaftermysonwasborn.Allbetsareoffnow.”

“Ineedtoexplain.”
“I’dlovetohearhowyoutrytoexplainyourwayoutofthis.”
RyanletoutadeepsighthatIfeltinmyear.“Ineedtotry.”
Imutteredamyriadofobscenitiesundermybreath.
“Areyoulistening?”heasked.
“Youhaveoneminute.”
Hewassilent.Then,Iheardasniffle.
Itsoundedlikehe’dstartedtocry.
Whatthefuck?
“Areyoucrying,youfuckingpussy?”
Hesniffledagain.Therewasalongdelaybeforehespoke.“Idon’tknowifNinaevertoldyou

thatwhenJimmydied,Iwasbyhisside.”

“Shedid.”
“Thelastthinghesaidtomebeforehiseyesclosed—theverylastthing—was‘takecareofmy

sister.’”

Hecontinuedtospeak.AndIlethim.
“Ineverhadaproblemwithyoubeforeshemovedintotheapartmentallthoseyearsago.You

knowthat.Aftershestartedhangingoutwithyou,shechanged.Ninawashappyforthefirsttimesince
Jimmydied.Youwereabletogethertoovercomesomeofthosestupidfears.Ihatedthatyouwereable
todosomethingthatIcouldn’t.ThewayIsawit,Jimmyhadleftmewithoneresponsibility,andI’d
failed.Istartedtoreallyresentyou.Butmorethananything,Iwasafraidthatifyouhurther,shewas
goingtobeworsethanshewasbefore.Youstillthere?”

“Yes.”
“AfteryourmarriagetoIvycameout,IbecamemoreconvincedthatIneededtogetNinaaway

fromyou.Eventhoughthecircumstanceswereunique,Istillfeltthatthewholethingwasarecipefor
disasterandthatshedeservedbetter.Whenshefoundoutshewaspregnant,Itrulybelievedthatshewas
onlystayingwithyoubecauseshewasafraidtobealone.Soonafterthat,Tarahmovedoutandleftme
whenshefiguredoutmyobsessionwithNina.IconfessedtoheraboutsomeofthethingsI’ddonetotry
tokeepyouandNinaapart.So,Ihadnothingtolose.Afteryoursonwasborn,duringtheweekNinawas
stayingatherparents’house,Igaveitonelastcollegetry.Myfolkshadtoldmethatshewasreally
unhappy.Ididn’trealizeitwasthepostpartumdepression.So,IwenttoherandtoldherIlovedherand
thatifshewantedtoleaveyou,I’dtakecareofher.Ididn’tunderstandthedepthofherfeelingsforyou.
Doyouknowwhatshetoldme?”

Myvoicewasbarelyaudible.“What?”
“Shetoldmethateventhoughshefeltlostanddidn’tevenreallyknowwhoshewasanymore,the

onlythingshewassureofinlifewashowmuchshelovedyou.Shetoldmeherbesthopeformewasthat
Iwouldsomedaygettoexperiencethatkindofsouldeeplovewithsomeone.Lookingback,it’sclearto
methatIdidn’tloveherthatwayatall.I’dbeentryingtowinacompetitionforher.Itwasn’tuntilImet
LisathatIunderstoodthekindofloveyouandNinahave.IknownowthatIcouldhavenevertornyou
twoapart.Whenyoutrulylovesomeone,it’sindestructible.”

“Yeah…”
“So,onceagain,IneedtotellyouhowsorryIam.Iwaswrong.Ninaandyoualwaysbelonged

together.Jimmytoldmetotakecareofher.Buthechangedhismindandsentabettermaninstead.”

Iclosedmyeyes.Ineededtogetmywifehome.
“Gobacktoyourbaby,”Isaid.
“Areweokayagain?”
“I’mnotsure.ButIprobablywon’tsmashyourfacein.”
“I’lltakethatfornow.”
“Goodnight,Ryan.”
Ihungupbeforehecouldrespond.
IlaybackonthebedtocomposemythoughtsbeforedialingNina.Ryan’swordsranthroughmy

head.Hesentabettermaninstead.ItwasdoubtfulthatNinawasfeelingthatwayaboutmerightnow.

IreachedovertothenightstandandliftedapictureofNinaandmetakenonaGondolaridein

Veniceduringourhoneymoon.Thesmileonherfacewasdifficulttotakeinrightnow,knowingshewas
somewheretryingtogetawayfromme,thatshewaslikelythinkingaboutallofthewaysIhadn’tputher
first.

Ishuddered.
Thesoundsofmyfamilyandfriendstalkinginthenextroomseemedmilesaway.
Forcingmyselfup,Idecidedtoheadtothemasterbathtosplashsomewateronmyfacebefore

returningtothelivingroom.

Thewatercooledmyskinbutdidn’tcalmmedown.
AsIwipedmyface,apinkboxinthesmallgarbagecancaughtmyeye.Itwasthediscarded

packagingofapregnancytest.

IstartedtofeellightheadedasIbenttopickitup.Thiswasofficiallymyfirstclueastowhat

causedNinatoloseitlastnight.Therewasnosignofateststickitself.Theboxsaiditincludedthree
tests,butthetrashcameupempty.

IignoredeveryoneasIboltedthroughthelivingroomandintotheotherbathroomwherethere

wasnothinginthetrashbutoneofA.J’semptyjuiceboxes.Asearchofthekitchengarbagealsoturnedup
nothing.Notonepregnancytestshowedupintheentirehouseeventhoughtheboxwasempty.

Feelingdistraught,Istoodinthekitchen,leaningagainstthegranitecountertopwithmyheadinmy

hands.Ididn’thavetoguesswhathappened.Iknew.

We’dtakencountlessteststogetheroverthepastfewyears,allnegative.Eachtimewasmore

difficultthanthelast.MyfearwasthatNinawentthroughthatexperiencealonelastnightwhileIwas
stuckatthehospital,andthatfueledherangertowardme.

We’drecentlytalkedaboutgoingtoseeafertilityspecialist,butNinahadbeenscaredtogoon

anydrugs.Weweresupposedtobediscussingitagainsoonnowthatshe’dfinishednursingschool.

Thevibrationofthephoneinmypocketstartledme.Nina’snamelituponthescreen.My

heartbeatfeltlikeexcruciatingwavesthrashingagainstthewallsofmychest.

“Nina.”
“Hi.”
“Whereareyou?”
“I’matadinerdowntown.”
“Adiner?Whatareyoudoingthere?”
“Icameheretothink.”
“Haveyoubeenthereallday?”
“No.”
“Whathaveyoubeendoing?”
“Atfirst,Ihonestlyjustwanderedaroundaimlessly.”
Cedricwalkedintothekitchentocheckonme.“Everythingalright?”
Wavinghimaway,Inodded.
“Whowasthat?”
“ThatwasCedric.HeandAllisonarehere.Youdidn’tknowit,butI’dplannedapartyforyou

tonight.ThatwasthewholereasonIinitiallywenttoIvy’slastnightinsteadoftoday.SkylarandMitch
arehere,too.”

“What?Areyoukidding?”
“Iwish.Youmademepromisenottocallyou,soIkeptmyword.We’vejustbeenhangingout

herewaitingforyou,hopingyou’dcomehome.”

“OhmyGod.Ifeelhorrible.Weneedtotalk,Jake.Iwasgoingtocomehomerightnow,butI

thinkyouneedtomeetmehereifwewon’thaveanyprivacy.”

“Nolie,you’refreakingmeout,baby.ButI’llmeetyouanywhereyouwant.I’llfuckingwalkto

theendsoftheearthifyoujusttellmewe’reokay.”

Herbreathingbecameuneven,anditsoundedlikeshewascrying.
“Nina?You’rescaringthelivingfuckoutofme.What’shappening?”
“Promisemeyouwon’tbemadatme.”
Alumpformedinmythroat.“Madatyouforwhat?Aren’tyousupposedtobemadatme?”
“Justpromisemeyouwon’tgetupsetwithwhatI’mabouttotellyou.”
“Okay.Ipromise.Whateveritis,Iwon’tgetmad.Wherewereyoutoday?”
Along,uncomfortablesilenceputmefurtheronedge.Whatshesaidnextputmeovertheedge.
“IwenttoseeIvy.”

CHAPTER20

NINA

Everythingseemedtobemakingmecrylately,butitwasespeciallybadthatparticularFriday

afternoon.Myeyeswerewellingupatthedropofahat.Iwassogoshdarnemotional.Accordingtomy
calendar,myperiodwasdue,soitmadesomesense.Myhormonesalwaysgotthebestofmearoundthis
timeofthemonthbutneverlikethis.

Whenmymother-in-lawcametopickupA.J.,I’dtakenadeepwhiffofhishair,notwantingtolet

himgo.Then,atearfellwhensayinggoodbyetohim.

Whatwaswrongwithme?
Hisreactionhadmademelaugh.“Mom,you’remessingupmyMohawk.”
Recently,he’dconvincedustolethimwearhisjetblackhairlongeronthetop.Jakeshavedthe

sidessothatthetopwasmoreprominent.Eventhoughthestylelookedreallycuteonhim,wewouldn’t
lethimwearitspikedonschooldays.

A.J.lookednothinglikeme.Withhisdarkhair,greeneyesanddimples,hewasallJake.Weused

tojokethatJakejustshitA.J.outandthatIhadnothingtodowithourson’screation.Butofcourse,myc-
sectionscarandthemonthsofpostpartumdepressionafterhewasbornservedastheevidencethatIwas
definitelyhismother.Iwasjusttheincubator.

A.J.wasonlygoingtobefortyminutesawayinMaldenfortheweekend,butforsomereason,I

wasgoingtoreallymisshim.Itwasrarethathespentthenightawayfromhome.Atthesametime,it
wouldberefreshingforJakeandmetohavesometimealone.Iwasreallylookingforwardtohavingmy
sexymanalltomyselftonight.

Thetimingwasperfectforit.We’dbeenunderalotofstresslatelybetweenmyfinalnursing

clinicalsbeforegraduationandtheongoingissueswithtryingforababy.Justthinkingaboutthepast
coupleofmonthscausedafreshstreamoftearstofalldownmycheeksyetagain.IneededJaketocome
homeandknocksomesenseintome,makemelaugh,comfortme,makelovetome.

Itwouldbeanothercoupleofhoursbeforehereturnedfromwork.Topassthetime,Idecidedto

takeawalkdowntothedrugstoreonHarvardStreetforsomemagazinesandshampoo.

Istoppedbythelocalcaféforato-gocoffeeandwindowshoppedinCoolidgeCorneronmyway.

Thesunwassetting,andthestreetswerebustlingwithpeopleheadinghomefromworkfortheweekend.

Welivedinthecutestneighborhood.Therewerelotsofeclecticshopsandfamily-owned

businesses.Sometimes,Icouldn’tbelievehowluckywewere.AsIponderedthat,myeyesonceagain
filledwithmoisture.Everythingwasmakingmecry.

Snapoutofit,Nina.
AsIenteredtheslidingautomaticdoorsatCVS,thebrightfluorescentlightshelpedcooldownmy

emotionalstate.Itookmytimebrowsingeachaisle.ItwasararitytobeherealonewithoutA.J.begging
forsourgummywormsoracheaptoy.

WhenIstoppedinthemagazinesection,asmilingbabywithacherubicfacestaredbackatme

fromthefrontpageofaparentingperiodical.Whenmyeyesmoistenedagain,athoughtcrossedmymind.

CouldIbepregnant?Isthatwhymyemotionsareoutofwhack?
Ihatedtoponderitbecausethatwouldsetmyselfupfordisappointmentagain.Iknewbetterthan

togetmyhopesup.Still,whenIpassedthereproductivehealthaisle,Icouldn’tresistnonchalantly

dumpingapregnancytestkitintomybasket.

Attheregister,theattendantsmiledatmewhensherangupthepinkboxalongwiththesmiling

babymagazine.(Icouldn’tresist.)

ItwascompletelydarkoutbythetimeIventuredbackoutside.Aharshwind-drivenchillinthe

airpromptedmetoadjustmyscarfovermyface.Irememberedtheyweretalkingaboutaprettybadstorm
thatwe’dbegettingtonight.ItmademerelievedtoknowthatA.J.wasalreadywhereheneededtobe.

Backattheapartment,Irubbedmyhandstogether,butthefrictiondidlittletowarmmeup.

Despitethecozinessofourhome,theintensityofthecoldoutsidelingeredlongafterIsteppedinside.
WithoutA.J.here,itwasalsoeerilyquiet.

I’ddecidedtoheadtothekitchentomakesometea.Thesteamfromthepipinghotwaterrelaxed

measIsteepedtheteabaganddebatedwhethertotakethetestbeforeorafterJakecamehome.Ihated
puttinghimthroughtheexcitementofwaitinginvain.Theonlythingworsethanhowanegativetestmade
mefeelwasalwaysthedisappointmentinhiseyesthathetriedunsuccessfullytohide.Itwouldbebetter
ifIdiditaloneandkeptthenegativeresulttomyself.

Guiltoftenconsumedme.Jakehadwantedanotherbabyforyears,andIwouldn’tagreetoit.By

thetimeIcamearound,mybodyhadapparentlydecidednottocooperate.IfI’dgiveninandallowed
myselftogetpregnantsixyearsago,wemighthavehadnoproblem.Sometimes,itfeltlikeIwasbeing
punishedformyownselfishness.

Jakewassuchanamazingfather.Hedeservedtohaveanotherchild—ortwoorthree.Despite

workinglonghoursathisengineeringjobnorthofthecity,hegaveA.J.hisfullattentionfromthesecond
hecamehomeuntilbedtimeandevencookeddinnerforusmuchofthetime.

Wehadagreatlifesixoutofthesevendaysoftheweek.
ExceptSaturdays.
Saturdaysweretheblackholesofmylifebecausethosewerethedayshe’dvisitIvy.He’dleave

inthemorning,andI’dcountthehoursuntilhereturned.Sometimes,thatwouldbelateafternoonand
oftentimes,evening.

IusuallycleanedthehouseormadeplanswithA.J.topassthetimeonthosedays.We’dalways

toldoursonthat“daddygoestohelpasickfriend.”Weleftitatthat.

IhadahabitofinternalizingmyfeelingsaboutJake’srelationshipwithIvybecauseitwasn’tfair

toaddmorestresstoasituationthatcouldn’tbehelped.FromthemomentIlearnedthetruthallthose
yearsago,itwasclearthatIvywaslikefamilytoJake.Asunfairasitseemed,he’dinheritedthe
responsibilityoflookingafterher.Ireallydidunderstandhisdilemma.Butthatdidn’tmeanIhadtolikeit
orthatIwasn’tgoingtogetjealous.

IknewwithabsolutecertaintythatifImadehimchoosebetweenus,he’dchooseme.He’deven

admittedthat.Butmakingsuchademandwouldn’treallyremovethesituation.Iwouldn’tbeabletolive
withmyselfifIhadtowatchhimsuffertheguiltofabandoningher.He’dbeathimselfupoverit.Youjust
don’tputsomeoneyouloveinapositionlikethat.ThesituationwithIvyexistedbeforeIevercameinto
thepicture,anditwasessentiallyapartofhim.Ilovedhimandhadtoacceptallpartsofhim—good,bad
andugly.

Mostofthetime,IwasconfidentenoughinhisloveformetonotlettheexistenceofIvygettome.

Butoccasionally,wheninacertainmood,Iwouldbecomeangryandresentfulthatwecouldn’tjustbea
normalfamilywithouthavingtoliveintheshadowofanex-wifewithmentalissues.

Ineverwantedtomeether.
Iwasterrifiedshe’dbeprettierthanmeorthatI’dfindoutshereallywasn’tthatincapacitated.

Mostofthetime,Iwasabletocompartmentalizeallofthatinsecurity.

Mostofthetime.
Tonightwasnotoneofthosetimes.Mywhackyhormonesweremakingmeparticularlyinsecure

andoutofsorts.Afterdumpingtheremainderofmyteaintothesink,IgrabbedthepaperCVSbagand
tookittothebathroomlocatedoffofourbedroom.

Itwasn’tnecessarytoreadthedirectionsbecauseI’ddonethisfartoomanytimestocount.Itook

thefirsttestoutandpeedonitbeforerepositioningtheclearcoveroverthestickasdirected.

Fiveminutes.
Thesnowwasblowingaroundoutsideinhorizontalbands.Carsthatwereuncoveredonmyway

insidewerenowcoatedinwhite.Jakewassupposedtobehomeinanhour.Ihopedhedidn’tgetstuckon
thehighwayinstormtraffic.

Returningtothelivingroom,Icoveredmyselfwithaknittedthrowandtriedtofocusonthe

parentingmagazinewhiletheearlyeveningweatherforecastplayedinthebackground.

Thephonerang,andJake’snameflashedonthecalleri.d.
Ipickedup.“Pleasetellmeyou’renotstuckintraffic.”
“Hey,baby.I’moffofthehighwaynow,butlisten…IhavetogotoIvy’stonight.”
Thatnewsrattledme.“What?”
“Igotacallfromthegrouphome,andshehadsomekindofanepisode.ItoldthemI’dgocheck

onthingstonight.ButthismeansIwon’thavetogotomorrow,okay?We’llhavetomorrowfree.A.J.will
stillbeatmymother’s.Theweatherwillbebetter,andwecangoout.”

Isulked.Iwasreallymissinghimtoday.“Alright,Iguess.”
“Areyouokay?Iknowthissucksass.”
“Whattimewillyoubehometonight?”
“AssoonasIcan.Ipromise.”
“Okay.”
“Nina.Bereadyformetonight.I’mhornyashell.”
“You’realwayshorny.”
“Seriously…youknowwhatI’vebeenthinkingaboutallday?I’vehadthisfantasyrunningthrough

myhead.Ialmostgothardinthemiddleofafuckingmeetingtoday.”

“Tellmeaboutyourfantasy.”
“Iwanttomovethecouchcushionsontothegroundandputthemrightinfrontoftheelectric

fireplace.Iwantyounakedanddownonallfoursinfrontofthefirewithyourassstickingupintheair.
Then,Iwanttofuckyoufrombehindlikethatwiththeheatblazingonuswhileitsnowsoutside.Whatdo
youthink?”

“IthinkIwantyoutocomehomerightnow.JustgethereassoonasyoucanafterIvy’s.”
“Iloveyou,baby.Thankyouforunderstanding.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
Ikeptthephoneatmyeareventhoughhe’dhungup.Iwasdisappointedforsure,butIunderstood.

Atleast,we’dhavearareSaturdaytogethertomorrow.

Thefiveminuteshadlongexpired,butIwasdilly-dallying,pretendingtoreadanarticleonhome

schooling.NowthatJakewasn’tcominghomeanytimesoon,thethoughtofbeingalone,wallowinginthe
resultsofanotherdisappointingtestseemeddreadful.

Afterseveralminutes,Ithrewthemagazineaside,forcedmyselfupandwalkedintomydark

bedroom.

ThedoortothebathroomcreakedasIslowlyturnedtheknob.Itookadeepbreathandshutmy

eyelidstightlybeforelookingatthetest.

Iopenedmyeyestotwopinklines.

***

Holdingthethreepositivesticksinmyhand,Ipacedthebedroomunsureofwhattodowith

myself.I’dtakentheothertestsinthekitjusttobesure.Iwasmostdefinitelypregnant.

Burstingwithexcitement,Ijumpedupanddownandwavedmyhandsintheair,feelinglikea

fool.Itseemedsurrealafterallthistime.Ihadseriouslygivenupallhope.JakeandIwereverysexually
active,sotonotgetknockedupevenonceinoversevenyearsmademecertaintherewasarealproblem.

I’dheardofthistypeofthinghappening,though.Justwhenpeoplewerereadytostartfertility

treatmentsoradopt,they’dmiraculouslygetpregnant.

Ihadtothinkofacreativewaytotellhim.Hewasgoingtobeecstatic!Myheartfeltlikeitwas

goingtoexplodejustthinkingabouthisreaction.

Idecidedtoplacethetestsinsideanelongatedmetallicgoldjewelrybox.Afterremovingthe

diamondtennisbraceletthatJakehadboughtmeforouroneyearanniversary,Ituckeditawayina
drawerandreplaceditwiththethreesticks.I’dpretenditwasapresentthatI’dboughthimforsupporting
methroughnursingschool.He’dthinkitwasawatchandfreakoutwhenhesawwhatwasreallyinside.

Thiswasgoingtobesofreakingawesome.
Ineededtomakethisaspecialeveningwhenhecamehome.Iplacedtheboxinmypurseand

wastednotimeventuringintothekitchen.Searchingthecupboards,Imadesurewehadalltheingredients
forBananasFoster.

Bananas,butter,brownsugar,rum…
IfeveranighttocelebratewithJake’sfavoritedessert,tonightwasit.
JustasIplacedtwosticksofbutterinthepot,myphonestartedtoring.Itwashim.
“Jake?”
“Hey,baby.Listen—”
“Pleasetellmeyou’recallingtosayyou’reonyourwayhome.”
“I’matthehospital.WhenIgottothegrouphome,she’dalreadybeenadmitted.”
“Isshealright?”
“Yeah.Theyfoundhertryingtoclimbtheroofagain.Whatafuckingnightmare.They’regoingto

releasehertomorrow.”

“Okay…sowhatdoesthismean?”
“ItwasgoingtomeanI’dberunninglaterthanIthought.ButIjustheardtheyclosedtheroadtoall

non-emergencyvehiclesduetoblackice.Iwaslookingoutthewindowearlier,andcarswerespinning
outintoeachother.Itwasapocalyptic.”

“So,whatareyousaying?”
“I’msayingImighthavetospendthenighthereunlesstheyopentheroad.Iswear,IfeellikeI

havetheworstfuckinglucksometimes.”

Hewasn’tcominghome.
Iwassilent,butatearfelldownmycheek.Ididn’twanthimtobeabletotellthatIwascrying.
Deepdown,Iknewthiswasn’thisfault,butIcouldn’tseemtocontrolmyreaction.
“Nina?Areyoualright?”
“Yes.”
“Areyousure?”
“Justbecareful,”Isaid.
“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
Ipressedtheredendcallbuttonandslidthephoneacrossthecounter.Ididn’tevenknowwhere

myangerwasdirected.IjustknewIcouldn’tseemtocalmdownoverthis.Tomakemattersworse,the
butterI’dbeenheatingforthedesserthadcompletelyburned.

“Shit!”

Ishutofftheflamesandangrilythrewthehotpotintothesink,splatteringthebuttereverywhere.
Thesoundofmyinnerearringingamidstthedeafeningquietwastorturous.
Iforcedmyselftogostraighttobedandbegantoobsessabouteverything.Myfearsgotthebestof

measconcernaboutmyemotionalstategrew.The“whatif”monsterstartedtotakecontrolofmy
thoughts.

WhatifI’mabasketcaseforthenextninemonths?
WhatifIgetpostpartumdepressionagain?
WhatifJakecan’thandlemyissuesthistime,anditruinsus?
WhatifJakeisstillattractedtoIvy?(Thatwasanoldiebutgoodiethatalwaysseemedtocreep

inatmyworst.)

Then,the“whatif”questionsturnedto“whys.”
WhydoIhavetosharemyhusband?
Whycan’twejustbeanormalfamily?
Whycan’thewalkhome?(Thatonemadenosensebecauseoftheblizzard,andhewasonthe

othersideofthecity,butIwasn’tthinkingrationallytonight.)

Whyishewithherandnotwithme?
Thisself-torturecontinuedthroughthenight.Tossingandturning,Ifinallyfellasleeparoundfour

inthemorning,onlytowakeupatsixinthesamestateofmind.

Jakecouldn’tseemelikethis.Itwouldruinwhatwassupposedtobeahappytime.Ineededto

takesometimetodayandcalmdownbeforeItoldhimaboutthebaby.Mybeinginthisstatewouldtarnish
thewholepregnancyannouncement.

IfIleftbeforehegothere,itmightfreakhimout.So,theplanwouldbetowaituntilhearrived

andthenleaveforawhiletograbmybearings.Theonlywayhe’dletmeleavewasifIwasadamant
aboutit.

Ireceivedatextabout6:30a.m.

Roadisfinallyopened.ThankGod.Leavingnow.Behomesoon.

IgotmycoatonandthrewahatovermyheadsothatIwouldbepreparedwhenhecamein.Isat

inthesamespotwaiting.

Fortyminuteslater,thedoorlatchedopen.
MyheartbeatfasterasItookinthesightofmyhusband.Hisflattenedhairstucktothesidesofhis

head.Hehadbagsunderhisglowinggreeneyes.HewasstillthemostgorgeousmanI’deverlaideyes
on.

Jakerantomeandplantedhisnoseinmyneck,releasingadeepbreathintome.Hisskinwascold

tothetouch.“Whatanightmarelastnightwas.Theydischargedher.She’sbackatthegrouphomenow.”
Hesqueezedmetighter.“God,Nina.Itfeelssofuckinggoodtobehome.”

Doingeverythinginmypowertofightbacktears,Ireluctantlypushedback.EventhoughIwas

temptedtostayinthesafetyandwarmthofhisarms,mymoodwasoutofcontrol,anditwouldruin
everything.Ihadtocoolit,andthatmeantleaving.

“Whydoyouhaveyourcoaton?”
“Ineedtogetoutforawhile.Ididn’twantyoutocomehomeandnotfindme.”
“What?Why?IsitbecauseIspentthenightatthehospital?”
Thatwasn’tentirelytheissue,butIimpliedthatitwas.“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Baby,I—”
“Listen,lastnightwasjustareallyroughnight.You’venevernotcomehomebefore.Ever.Ijust…

Igotupset.It’snotonlythat.Ineedtoclearmymind.I’llbefine.Ijustneedsomespace.”

“Nina,I’msorry.ButIjustdon’tunderstand.”
“Pleasedon’tcallmeanddon’ttextme,okay?I’mserious.Ijustneedtobealoneforawhile.”
Theterrifiedlookonhisfacedidn’tstopme.Iclosedthedoorbehindmeandneverlookedback.

***

Thestormyweatherofthepreviousdayhadgivenwaytoabeautifulmorningasmoundsofwhite

snowreflectedthebrightraysofthesun.

Afterafewhoursofroamingourneighborhoodandtwostopsintoacoupleofdifferentrestaurants

thatwereopenforbreakfast,myexactdestinationwasstillunclear.IcecrunchedbeneathmyUggbootsas
Icontinuedtostrollalongthesidestreets,stillnotreadytogohome.

WhenIgottothetracksalongBeaconStreet,aGreenLinetrolleyapproachedinthedistance.It

eventuallyscreechedtoahaltinfrontofme,andthedoorsopened.Iimpulsivelygotinsidewithout
payingattentiontowhereitwasheaded.

IshutmyeyesandlettheswayingmotionofthetrolleyridecalmmeasIthoughtaboutthebaby

growinginsideofme.Thetimingofmyfirstpregnancycouldn’thavebeenworse.Itwasinthemidstof
firstfindingoutaboutIvyanddealingwithallofthechangestoJake’sandmyrelationshipthatcame
alongwiththat.ThestressleadinguptoA.J’sbirthwasunprecedentedandhelpedcreatetheperfect
stormthatledtoareallyroughtimeafterhewasborn.

Iwasdeterminedthatthisbabywouldcomeintotheworldunderdifferentcircumstances.

Whateverdemonsorinsecuritiesthatremainedinsideofmeneededtobeeradicatedinthenextnine
months.

Somethingwritteninpenonthebackoftheseatinfrontofmecaughtmyeye.
ReplaceFearoftheUnknownwithCuriosity.
I’dhadalotoffearsinmylifetime.WithJake’shelp,Iwasabletoovercomemanyofthem.But

whenyou’reafearfulpersonbynature,oftentimes,oldfearsaresimplyreplacedwithbrandnewones.
IvyhadbeenattherootofmyanxietiesfromthemomentIfirstfoundoutabouther.EventhoughJake
nevergavemeareasontofeelinsecure,Icouldn’thelpit.BecauseI’dnevermether,hadneverevenseen
whatshelookedlike,shewaslikethismythicalcreaturethatheldasmallpartofmyhusband’sheart.The
timesIbecamemostinsecurewerethetimesthatIfocusedonthatonesmallpartIdidn’thave,ratherthan
themajorityIowned.

ReplaceFearoftheUnknownwithCuriosity.
ThenextstopwasParkStreet.Vaguely,itregisteredthatParkStreetwaswhereIcouldswitchto

theRedLinetrain.TheRedLinewouldtakemetoDorchester.DorchesterwaswhereIvylived.

Iwouldn’tadmittomyselfthatIwasactuallyconsideringgoingthere.Ifitbecametruth,Iwould

losethecouragetodosomethingthatmightbenecessaryformyownmentalhealth.MaybeIwouldjust
peekinthewindow.MaybeIwouldn’tactuallysayanythingtoher.Butitjustsuddenlybecameclearto
methataslongasIvywasafacelessmonsterinmyhead,thefearoftheunknownwouldalwaysbethere.
Howcouldyoutackleafearifyoudidn’treallyknowwhatyouweredealingwith?Itookonelastlookat
thewordsresponsibleforcatapultinganordinarydayintooneIhopedIwouldn’tregretfortherestofmy
life.

ReplaceFearoftheUnknownwithCuriosity.
Istoodupandclungtoametalpoleasthetrolleycametoastop.
Afterdumpingchangeintotheopenguitarcaseofamanperformingontheplatformbelow,I

waitedanxiouslyforthenexttrain—thetrainthatwouldtakemetoIvy’sneighborhood.I’dorderedagift
basketforthestaffatthegrouphomeonceasafavortoJake,soIknewtheaddress.I’devenstalkedthe
houseafewtimesonGoogleEarth,squintingmyeyestoexamineeverylastdetailasifI’dgetaglimpse

ofher.

Onceonthetrain,Icheckedmyphone.NotextfromJake.EventhoughI’dtoldhimnottotextme,

Iwassurprisedbutthankfulthathelistened.Iwasn’tsureIcouldhavegonethroughwiththisifhe’dsent
amessagethatmademefeelguilty.

Theannouncementformystopampeduptheadrenalinerunningthroughmyveins.“Fields

Corner!”

AsIexitedthetrain,ItookoutmyphoneandenteredtheaddressintoaGPSapplication.
Itwouldbeaboutatenminutewalktothegrouphome.AsIfollowedtheroute,mymouthwas

parched,andmyheartwasbeatingoutofcontrol.Witheachstepforward,doubtspreadlikewildfire.I
wasn’tsureIcouldgothroughwithit.

Theautomatedvoicestoppedmeinmytracks.“Youhavearrived.”
Ilookedupatthegiantthree-storyhome.Brownpaintwaschippingoffthesidingoftheexterior.

AwoodenplaquewiththewordWelcomecarvedintoithungonthefrontdoor.Windchimesdangling
fromthetopofthefrontporchabruptlyrangoutinthebreezeasiftowarnmetoturnaroundandleave.

Iwalkedaroundthesideandpeekedthroughafirstfloorwindow.Twowomenwerepreparing

foodinthekitchen.Themuffledvoiceofamansingingsomewhereinsidethehousecouldalsobeheard.

Thiswasabadidea.Theyweren’tgoingtojustletmein.WhatwouldIevensay?Ineededto

leave,butatthesametime,I’dcomeallthewayhereandatleast,hopedforalookather.

Ireturnedtothefrontofthehouseandstoodfrozenoutsideofthedoor.
BeforeIcouldgarnerthecouragetoknock,thedoorflewopen.
Aheavysetwomanwithshortcroppedhairstoodbeforeme.“Isawyoustandingontheporch

fromthewindow.Thedoorbellisbroken.YoumustbeShari.”

Itfeltlikeallofthesalivahaddrainedfrommymouth.“Uh…yeah?Hi.”
WhatwasIdoing?
Sheboisterouslywavedherarmbehindhershoulder.“Well,comeonin.”
“Thanks.”
“No.Thankyoufordoingthisonshortnotice.We’vehadashortageofvolunteerslately.They

didn’ttellmewhichdayyouwerecoming,justthatthey’dtrytosendyouwheneveryouhadsometime.”

ShethoughtIwasavolunteer.
“So,Idon’tknowifValerietoldyou,butreally,it’sjustbasicstuffweneedhelpwith…floors,the

twobathtubs,mostofthedeepcleaningthatgetsneglected.Youokaywithgettingonyourhandsand
knees?”

“Uh…sure.”
Ifollowedherdownahallwayasshespoke.“Ican’ttellyouhowmuchweappreciatethis.With

budgetcuts,thestateonlysendsacleaningserviceoutonceamonthnow.Andthat’sjustnotenough.We
havetwelveadultsinthishouse.Ourprioritiesarekeepingthemsafe,andthatmeansthatthecleaning
goestohell.”Shereachedoutherhand.“I’mNadine,bytheway.”

Itookherhand.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Allthecleaningsuppliesyoushouldneedareinthatutilitycloset.Youshouldstartwiththe

floorsdownstairsthenmakeyourwayupstairstothebathrooms.Wehaveoneofthosefold-outyellow
signsthatsays‘wetfloor.’Youcanplaceitdowninthecenterofwhateverroomiswetthenmoveit
aroundasneededasthefloorsdry.Youdon’tneedtodothebedrooms,justthemainlivingareafloors
downstairsandthebathrooms.Shouldtakeyouabouttwohours.”

“Okay.”
I’dgottenmyselfintothismess,andnow,Iwouldhavetoliterallycleanitup.
Aboutahalf-hourintoscrubbingthefloorsdownstairs,Icheckedtomakesurethekitchenwasdry

beforeremovingthesign.Theplanwastoventureupstairsnext.I’dassumedIvywasuptheresinceallof

thebathroomsandtheresidents’bedroomswerelocatedonthesecondandthirdfloors.

Atall,dark-skinnedmandonningsunglassesenteredthekitchen.Hewaswalkingextremely

slowlybeforehesatdown.

Hecaughtmeoffguardwhenhespoke.“Hey,beautiful.”
“Hi.”
“Smile.Youlookgorgeoustoday,bytheway.Andyou’redoingagreatjob.”
“Thankyou.That’s…uh…niceofyoutosay.”
“It’snotthatnice.”
“What?”
“Idon’treallyknowhowyoulook.I’mblind.I’maballbuster.”
“Oh.”Ilaughed.“Isee.”
“Yes,youdo,butIdon’t.”
“Right.Sorry.”
“Don’tbesorry.It’sabeautifulthingsometimes.Igettoseeeveryoneforwhattheyreallyareon

theinsidewithoutthebullshitontheoutside—themasksthatpeoplewear.”

“That’saninterestingwayofputtingit.”
“IcanalsopretendthateverywomanlookslikeHalleBerry.Thathelps.”
“Yes,Isupposeitdoes.”Ichuckled.“Howdoyouknow…um…”
“HowdoIknowwhatHalleBerrylookslike?”
“Yeah.”
“Iwasn’talwaysblind.”
Itwasn’tanyofmybusiness,butIwasreallycurious.Iwhispered,“Whathappenedtoyou?”
Hepointedtothefloor.“Youmissedaspot.”
Iflippedaround.“Where?”
“Now,how’sablindmangonnaseeifyoumissedaspot?Itoldyou.I’maballbuster.”
Ismackedmyforehead.“What’syourname?”
“I’mLeo.”
“Hi,Leo.I’mNi…uh,Shari.”
“Niashari.Interestingname.Toansweryourquestion,IlostmysightinIraq.Itwasaroadside

bomb.I’masoldier.”

Hisadmissionjarredmeintosilence.Leaningmymopagainstthesink,Ipulledupaseatacross

fromhim.“Wow.I’msorry.Thankyouforyourservice,Leo.”

“Don’tlooksodepressed.”
“Ithoughtyoucouldn’tseeme.”
“Thatiscorrect.You’regettingbetteratanticipatingmytricks,Niashari.”
“Thankyou.”
“I’veneverseenyouherebefore,”hesaid.
“Isthatanothertrick?”
“Actually,thatonewasn’t.Butthatwould’vebeenagoodone,too.”
“So,howlonghaveyoulivedhere?”
“Acoupleofyears.It’shardtogetintooneofthesestatefundedhomes,soIjumpedatthechance.

It’snotexactlythebestfitforme.Mostofthepeopleherehavebehavioralchallenges,butIneedthe
assistancewithdailyliving.Andbelieveme,beingheredefinitelyhelpsmerealizethattherearepeople
withwaybiggerissuesthanmine.It’ssortofliketheoppositeof‘thegrassisgreener.’Weallhave
crossestobear.They’rejustdifferent.”

“That’sfunny.Myhusbandsaysthatsameexactthing,thateveryonehasacross.”
“Yourhusband’sawiseman.Andprobablydamnlucky,too.”

Icouldseemyselfsmilinginthereflectionofhissunglasses.
“Thankyou.”ThechairskiddedagainstthefloorasIgotup.“Well,Ishouldgetbacktowork.It

wasreallynicemeetingyou.”

AsIstartedtowalkaway,hisvoicestoppedme.“Hey,Niashari.Whatever’sbotheringyou,it

willbeokay,youknow.”

“Howcanyoutellsomething’sbotheringme?”
“IsatonthestairsandlistenedtoyoucleaningforawhilebeforeIcameinhere.Thewayyou

werebreathingseemedoffandsomethingaboutyourvoicejustnow…Icantell.Theinabilitytoseewith
myeyessometimesmakesmemoreintunetoeverythingelse.”

“Well,you’reveryperceptive.Butrunningintoyouactuallyhelpedcalmmynerves.So,thanks.”
“YoucouldbebuttuglyforallIknow,Niashari.Butyou’reateninmybookfortakingthetimeto

chatwithme.Notmanypeoplewhowalkinheregivemethetimeofday.You’regoodpeople.”

Myeyesbegantowater.“Thankyou,Leo.Thepleasureisallmine,believeme.”
AsIcarriedthemopandbuckettothesecondfloor,IthoughtabouthowsometimesGodwill

placesomeoneinyourpathatjusttherighttime.Leodemonstratedthatnomatterthehardship,it’syour
attitudethatwilldeterminethequalityofyourlife.Atthesametime,hemademerealizehowfortunateI
was.Hecouldn’thaveknownhowmuchthatlittleinteractionmeanttome.Itwastheonethingthatgave
methestrengthtofacewhateverI’dfindatthetopofthosestairs.

***

MyhandsshookasIwrungoutthespongewhiletryingmybestnottobreatheinthefumesofthe

chemicals.Usingrubbergloves,overthepastforty-fiveminutes,I’dcleanedtwotoilets,twotilefloors
andscouredorangecrudoffoftwobathtubs.

Abandoningthecleaningsuppliesinthecornerofthesecondbathroom,Iwalkeddownthehall.

MyheartpoundedasIpeekedintowhicheverbedroomswereopen.

Inoneroom,ablondewomanwholookedtobeinherearlytwentiesstaredvacantlyata

television.Thatcouldn’thavebeenIvy.Shewastooyoung.AndIdidknowthatIvyhadredhair.That
wasprettymuchallIknewaboutwhatshelookedlikesinceIneveraskedJaketoshowmeapicture.

Amiddle-agedmanwatchingafootballgamewavedtomefromanotherroom.
IwasstartingtoreallyfeellikeIwasviolatingtheresidents’privacy.I’dcontinuedownthehall

totheend.IfIdidn’tspother,maybeIwouldjusttakemycleaningsuppliesdownstairsandleave.

WhenIgottothesecondtolastroomontheright,Ifroze.Alllifearoundmeseemedtostillasa

flashoffieryredcaughtmyeye.

ThefirstthingInoticedwasherlongmopofthickredcurls.Thewomanwholookedtobeabout

myagewasstaringupatawallclockwhilebouncingbackandforthbetweentheballsandheelsofher
feet.Shehadn’tnoticedmeasIstoodthereobservingherlikesheheldtheanswerstoalloflife’s
mysteries.Shewasthebigmysteryofmylife.

Onlythesideofherfacewassomewhatvisible.Herhairhidmostofherprofile.
Atelevisioninthecornerwasonlowvolume,butshefocusedallofherattentionontheclock.
Whatwassofascinating?
Thesmellofcigarettesmokeemanatingfromtheroomwassuffocatingandcausedmetobreakout

intoanunintentionalcough.Shewhippedherheadtotheleft,andhereyesmetmineinapenetratingstare.

Wewerefacetoface.
Ivy.
Wefinallymeet.
Shewasbeautiful,notinaglamorousway,butinthenaturalwaythatevenyearsofabusingyour

bodyapparentlycouldn’tdestroy.Herskinwasfair,andshehadsmallfeatures.Afewfreckleswere
splatteredacrosshercheeks.Whatsurprisedmethemostwashowtallshewas,probablyalmostastall
asJake.

HerincendiarystarecontinuedtoburnintomeasItookafewstepsforwardintotheroom.She

surprisedmewhensheturnedbacktowardthewallasifIwasn’teventhere.

Mybodyinchedcloser.“Ivy?”
Herattentionwasstillfixedontheclockwhensheanswered,“No.”
“You’renotIvy?”
“No.”
Iclearedmythroat.“What’ssointerestingabouttheclock?”
Sheturnedherfacetowardmeagainandsaidnothing.Afewsecondslater,shesaid,“I’mtryingto

makeitgoback,reversetime.”

Blinkingrepeatedly,Itriedtomakesenseofwhatshe’djustsaid.Itwasheartbreakinginsomany

ways.

IwalkedbehindhertoachestofdrawersandliftedaframethatheldaphotoofJakeandIvy.My

husbandhadhisarmaroundherinthesnapshot.MyhandbegantoquiverasJake’sgreeneyesstaredback
atmefromtheframe.ItwasoverwhelmingtoseehimsoyounginatimebeforeIeverknewhim.Itwas
alsopainfultoseehimlookingsohappywithsomeoneelse.Ivyhadthesamelong,redhairbackthen,but
herexpressionwasfulloflife,astarkcontrasttothecurrentdistantlookonherface.Staringatthepicture
waslikeventuringintoatimemachineIneverwouldhavewillinglyboarded.

AsIexamineditmesmerized,Ivyturnedaroundtowardme.IfeltlikeIneededtosaysomething.
“Nicepicture.Whoisthis?”
“That’sSam.”
“Sam?”
“He’sabadperson.”
Myheartfeltlikeitdropped.HearinghersaythatmademefeelsorryforJake.Icouldn’timagine

whatitmusthavebeenliketocareforsomeonewhodidn’tevenknowwhoyouweresomeofthetime.
Youhadtobeaselflesspersontodealwiththissituation.

Igentlyswipedtheglassthatcoveredtheimageofmyhusband’sface.Athicklayerofdustcoated

myfingertip.Returningtheframebacktothetopofthebureau,Inoticedanoteandpickeditup,
recognizingrightawaythatitwaswritteninJake’shandwriting.

Ivy’sWeekAhead:
Sunday:Relax
Monday:ScienceMuseumOuting
Tuesday:AppointmentwithDr.Reynolds
Wednesday:GinaVisit
Thursday:Toniiscomingtotrimyourhair.
Friday:HappyBirthday,babygirl.33!
Saturday:ThatnuisanceJakecomesback.
Overcomewithemotion,Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.Whileitwasheartwarmingtosee

howmeticulouslyhelookedoutforher,seeingthatheusedthetermbabygirlhadsparkedunwanted
jealousy.

Inaneeriecoincidence,asifhecouldsensemyinnerturmoil,atextfromJakecamein.

Areyouokay?Pleasetalktome.Youhavemeworriedsick.

Iquicklytypedaresponse.

I’mfine.ButIneedmoretimealone.

Ivywalkedovertothenightstandandtookoutaboxofcigarettes.Shelitone,inhaledthenstartled

mewhenshespoke.“Whatisyourname?”

“Shari.”Icoughed.“What’syours?”
Acloudofsmokefloatedtowardmeassheexhaled.“Aria.”
“Aria?”
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Shari?”
“I’mavolunteer.”
“DidApollosendyou?”
“Apollo?”
“Thegodofmusic.”
JakehadtoldmealittleaboutIvy’sdelusionsovertheyears.Itwasstartingtodawnonmethat

I’dcaughtherinthemiddleofone.

Tiltingmyhead,Iasked,“Whywouldhehavesentme?”
“Areyouoneofhisotherconquests?”
“No.IcansafelysayIamnot.”
“He’sgoingtosaveme.HelovesmeeventhoughI’mamortal.BecauseI’matalentedmusician.”
“Well,that’sgreat.”
“Didyouknowthatoperaticariasarethemostbeautifulpiecesofmusic?That’swheremyname

comesfrom.Ariaissynonymouswithmusic.”

JakehadmentionedthatIvyusedtoplaytheguitar.ThatwasoneofthefewthingsIknewabout

her.Anamber-coloredguitarleaningagainstthewallinthecorneroftheroomcaughtmyeye.

“So,you’reamusician.Iseetheguitaroverthere.Doyouplay?”
Nothingcouldhavepreparedmeforwhathappenednext.Ivyquicklyputhercigaretteoutandsat

downonthebed.Shestartedtorockbackandforth.Thechangewaslikealightswitchhadbeenturned
off.Shewrappedbothofherhandsaroundherheadandstartedpullingherhair.Then,sheburstintotears.

Aflashofpanichitme.Ifelthelpless.ThebedcreakedasIsatdownnexttoher.
“It’sokay,Aria.Whateveritis,you’llbeokay.”
TherealityofhowfargoneIvy’sconditionwashadneverreallyregisteredwithmebefore.

SeeingitformyselfgavemeaclearerunderstandingofwhatJakehadbeendealingwithallofthese
years.

Therewasaknockatthedoor.
AwomanwalkedinholdingasmallDixiecup.“Ivygirl,Ihaveyourmedicine.”Sheseemed

unphasedbyIvy’swailing,whichtoldmeithappenedalot.

Theworkerdidn’tquestionme.ShesimplywalkedovertoIvy,gavehertwopillsandwatchedas

shedrankeverylastdropofthewater.

“Stickoutyourtongue,”thewomansaid,apparentlyneedingtomakesureIvyactuallyswallowed

themedicine.

Ivydidasshewastold.“Ahh.”
Inoticedforthefirsttimethatherteethwerequitestained.
Thewomanpromptlyleft,shuttingthedoorbehindher.
Outsidethewindow,snowflakeswerefalling.Wesatinsilenceforseveralminutes.Thankfully,

she’dcalmeddown.Icouldn’thelpstaringather,takingineverylastdetailasshetoweredovermeon
thebed.Subtlewrinkleswerestartingtoformaroundhermouth,probablyfromalltheyearsofsmoking.
ItwashardtoimaginethatJakehadoncebeenmarriedtoher,hadmadelovetoheroverandover.I

shuddered.Theknowledgethatmyhusbandhadbeeninsideofhercausedmystomachtoturn.Ireally
triednottoletmymindgothere,butIcouldn’thelpit.

Atonepoint,shewipedhernosewithhersleeve.Hereyeswereswollenandredwhenshe

slowlyturnedtome.“I’mIvy.”

“Hi,Ivy.”
“Whyareyouhere?”
“I’mnotsure,”Isaidhonestly.
“Me,neither.I’mnotsurewhyI’mhereanymoremostdays.”
Thedeepermeaningofherstatementmademeovercomewithsadnessforher.Ididn’tknowwhat

tosay.“I’msorry.”

“Nooneeverstays.PeoplecomeinheretogivememedicineorchecktomakesureI’malivethen

theyleave.I’musuallyalone.Justaswell.Idon’tknowhowtobearoundpeopleanymore.Well,except
Jake.”Shelaughedalmostmaniacally.“Ihaven’tscaredhimawayyet.”

“Jake,huh…”
Ivystoodup,walkedovertothebureauandpickeduptheverypictureI’dbeenholdingearlier.

Shebroughtitovertome.“That’shim.”

Mypokerfacewasgettingharderandhardertomaintain.Iwasn’tgoingtopryorforceherto

labelwhathewastoherinordertosatisfymyownmorbidcuriosity.Iknewthetruth,andIknewitmust
havebeenpainfulforhertothinkaboutlosinghim.Itwasprobablyeasierifshedidn’thavetoreferto
himasanythingspecificanymore.Ormaybeshedidn’talwaysrealizeshe’dlosthim.Itseemed
impossibletoknowwhatshewasreallythinking.

Shereturnedtheframetothebureauwithoutsayinganythingelse.
Thissituationwasgettingtobetoomuchforme.IknewIreallyneededtogetupandleavebut

wasn’texactlysurehowtoapproachit.Sheseemedtowantmethere,whichwassurprisingand
unsettling.

Ivygotupagain,walkedovertothetelevisionandshutitoff.Sittingbackdownonthebed,she

closedhereyesandslowlyexhaled.Shestartledmewhenshegrabbedmywristforsupportthensaid,
“Gooverthereandbringmetheguitar.”WhenIhesitated,sheyelled,“Go!”

Theroomsuddenlyfelthot.Iwasstartingtoperspire.Istoodupandwalkedovertotheguitarin

thecorner.Itwasalotheavierthanexpected.Ibroughtitovertoher,andshereluctantlytookit.

Sherubbedherhandgentlyalongthestrings.“Idon’tplayanymore.”
“Whynot?Ifitmakesyouhappy,youshoulddo—”
“Itdoesn’tmakemehappyanymore.”Hertonewasfrantic.“ItjustremindsmeofatimewhenI

washappy,thatIcan’tgetback.Andthatmakesmesad.That’swhyIcan’tdoit.Idon’twantto
rememberIvy!”

“Iunderstand.I—”
“ButImissit.Imissplaying.Imissthefeeling.IfeellikeI’mslowlydyingwithoutit.”
Afterseveralminutesofjustwatchinghercaresstheinstrument,athoughtpoppedintomyhead.It

wasalongshot,andIdidn’tevenknowifitwouldmakesensetoher.“MaybeIvydoesn’thavetoplay.
MaybeAriacouldplayforher.ItcanbeseparatefromIvy.Ariacanstartfresh,learntoplayagain.Do
yourememberwhoAriais?”

Itwasarisk.Aria,afterall,wasanillusion.ButIwonderedifthemusicalalteregowas

somethingshestillkepttuckedinsideevenwhenshewasofclearermind.

“Aria…”shesimplywhispered.
“Yes.”
Shecontinuedtostaredownattheguitar.MyfacebrokeoutinasweatbecauseIwasstartingto

feeltrapped.Icouldn’tleaveherinthisstate.Ididn’tknowwhatwasgoingtohappennext.

Iclosedmyeyesandletoutadeepbreath.Thesoundofasinglestrumoftheguitarforcedmy

eyesopen,andmygazelandedonherfingers,whichwerepositionedtostartplaying.Theywereshaking.

Placingmyhandonhershoulder,Isaid,“Playsomethingforme.Tremblinghandscanstillplay.”
Ivy’sbushyredringletsfelloverherforeheadasshelookedatme.Herhalf-coveredeyeswere

stillfixedonminewhenshebegantoplayasong.Afterafewseconds,IrealizeditwasLetitBebythe
Beatles.

WhenIstartedtohumalongtothemusictoshowherIrecognizedthemelody,shesmiledatmefor

thefirsttime.Thatcaughtmeoffguard.Ateardroprandownmycheek.Ifsomeonehadtoldmethatthis
momentwouldbeonethatwouldmakemecry,Iwouldn’thavebelievedit.

Slightlybendingherheadback,sheclosedhereyesandcontinuedtoplay.
Itwashypnotic,hauntingandbeautiful.Howfittingthatshe’dchosenasongaboutacceptance,

leavingproblemsbehindandmovingonwithlife.Justasshehadtoacceptherlifeasitwas,Ihadto
moveonfrommyhangupsabouther.IvywassomuchmorethanIeverimagined,apassionateand
talentedsoulimprisonedbyherownmind.AndasforJake,I’dalwaysknownI’dmarriedagoodman.
ButthiswholeexperiencemademerealizeI’dmarriedafuckingsaint.

Youthinkyouknowsomething,butyouhavenoidea.
Whenthesongfinished,Istoodup,leavinghersittingonthebed.
“Thatwasamazing.”
Withtheguitarstillinhand,shesuddenlylookedagitated.“Pleaseleave.”
Inodded.“Okay.”
Iwalkedtowardthedoorandtookonelastlookaround.
Shecalledouttome,“Wait.”
Iturnedaround.
“Willyoucomeback?”sheasked.
IftherewasonethingIknewwithabsolutecertainty,itwasthatIvywouldneverseemeagain.We

couldn’tbefriendsoranythingelsetoeachotherforthatmatter.ButJakewasapartofme.So,inasense,
apartofmewouldalwaysbewithher.

Mymouthspreadintoasympatheticsmile.“Itwasnicemeetingyou,”Isaid,continuingtowalk

towardthedoor.

“Hey.”
Ididanaboutface.“Yeah?”
“AnyoneevertellyouthatyoulooklikethosetwinsfromTV?”
“No.Ihaven’theardthatbefore,”Ilied.
“Well,justsoyouknow,youdo.”
Ishookmyheadinamusement.“Thanks.”
AsIvygracedmewithasecondraresmile,Iletthatbemylastmemoryofherbeforeclosingthe

doorbehindme.

Justletitbe.

CHAPTER21

NINA

Leavingacloudofexhaustinitswake,Jake’sblackCobraMustangspedpastthediner.I’dbeen

staringoutthewindowandheardtheenginerevvingbeforeIevennoticeditwashimwhizzingby.He
musthavebeenawreck,circlingaroundforaparkingspotonthesnowydowntownstreetswhilehe
wonderedwhatthehellhadhappenedbetweenmeandIvy.

Overthephone,I’ddroppedthebombonhimthatI’dgonetoseeher.Jakewasspeechless.His

reactionwasoneofabsoluteshock,asifthatwerethelastthingheeverexpectedmetosay.Hehungup
rightafterhetoldmetostayput,thathe’dcometome.

Now,Isataloneinaboothwatchingthedoorasmyheartraced.Anyminute,he’dwalkin,andI

wouldhavetoexplainmyself.

Bellschimedasthedooropened,lettingabriskwindinside.
Hetookmybreathaway.
Lookingpainfullygorgeouswearingablackdownparkaandagrayknitcap,Jakeslowly

approachedmybooth.Chillsranthroughmewhenhiseyeslandedonmine.Hisexpressionwasintense
butimpossibletoread.

Insteadoftakingaseatacrossthetable,hemovedinnexttome,tookmyfaceinhishandsand

placedhislipsfirmlyonmyforehead.Sorelievedthathedidn’tseemmad,Ishutmyeyesanddrowned
myselfinhisintoxicatingsmell.Therewasnothingelseintheworldlikethecombinationofhiscologne,
skinandthepheromonesalwaysunleashedwhenwetouched.

Hekissedthetopofmyheadoverandover.Whenhepushedback,hiseyeswereglistening.“Are

youokay?”

“Yes,”Isaid,noddingrepeatedly.“Morethanokay.I’msosorry.”
Hegentlybrushedhisthumbagainstmylips.“Whateverhappened,youdon’towemeanapology.”
Iexhaledtocomposemyself.“TheythoughtIwasavolunteer.InevertoldherwhoIwas.Ihadn’t

plannedongoingtoseeherwhenIleftthismorning.Itwasanimpulsivedecision,but—”

“Youhadtoknow.Igetit,baby.Youdon’tneedtoexplainwhy.Ifitweremeinsteadofyou,I

couldhaveneverwaitedaslongasyoudid.Curiositywouldhavekilledme.”

“Ijustneededtoseeformyself.”
Heplacedhishandonmykneeunderthetable.“Igetit.”
Awaitressinterruptedus.“CanIgetyousomething,sir?”
Jakedidn’ttakehiseyesoffmewhenheanswered,“Justacoffee.”
“I’lltakeapotofgreentea.”
Overthenextthirtyminutesandtwocupsoftea,Ileanedintohimandrelayedtheentiregroup

homeexperiencefrommeetingLeo(whomJakeapparentlysometimeshungoutwithwhenIvyslept)to
mywholeencounterwithIvy.

“Seeingwhatyou’vehadtodealwithiseyeopening.Iwillneverbeonehundredpercent

comfortablewithit,butseriously,wherewouldshebeifyouhadn’tlookedoutforheralltheseyears?
You’vesingle-handedlysavedher,Jake.”

“Maybe.Butdon’tyougetit?”
“What?”

“Fromthedayyoufirstwalkedintomylife,you’vebeensavingme.Iwasalreadyonmylastleg

ofsanitywhenwemet.Myabilitytosustainthatlifewithnothingelsetoliveforwouldhavenever
lasted.Somuchpassion,somuchlovewastrappedinsideofmewithnoonetogiveitto.IfIhadn’tmet
you,ifIcouldn’thavereleasedallofthat,itwould’veturnedtoxic.HavingyouandA.J.tocomehometo
everyday,thewayyouloveme,itrechargesme,givesmeareasontolive.I’mcertainI’dbedead
withoutit.IthoughtImightbelosingyoutoday.”

“Never.Allthoseyearsago,IpromisedI’dneverleaveyou.EvenwhenIconvincedmyselfitwas

therightthingtodo,Icouldn’tstayaway.You’remyeverything.”

Ourlegswerelockedtogetherunderthetable.Thewarmthofbeingnearhimmademerealize

howmuchI’dmissedhim.

Jakedrewmeintohisarms.“DoyouhaveanyideahowmuchIloveyou?Itdoesn’tcompareto

howI’veeverfelttowardanyoneelse.I’mtalkingabouttheonceinalifetimesouldeeplove,thekind
youtoldRyanyoufeltformewhenhetriedtostealyouawayfrommeafterA.J.wasborn.”

Myjawdropped.I’dspecificallynevertoldhimaboutthatbecauseitseriouslymademeafraid

forRyan’slife.

“Howdidyoufindout?I—”
Jakeputhisfingerovermymouthandsmiled.“Shh.It’sokay.Iunderstandwhyyoudidn’ttellme.

Iwouldhavegoneafterhim,andwedidn’tneedanymorestressbackthen.I’lltellyouthestoryof
Ryan’sandmyphonecallanothertime.Notgonnawastetimeonittonight.We’regood,Nina.We’ve
neverbeenfuckingbetter.Idon’twanttotalkaboutanythingupsettinganymore.AllIwantistotakeyou
home,getyouunderahotshowerandsuckoneveryinchofyourbodybeforeIburymyselfdeepinside
you.ThatisallIfuckingwantrightnow.”

Oblivioustothepeoplearoundus,wefellintoadeepkiss.
“Iwantthat,too.Howarewegonnamanagethatwithhouseguests?”
“We’llhavetofigureoutaway.”
Nearlyjumpingoutofmyskin,Iwantedsobadlytotellhimaboutthebaby,butdoingitatthe

dinerjustdidn’tseemappropriate.

Heslidhiscupandsauceracrossthetableandspokeintomyear,“Let’sgetoutofhere.Iwantto

takeyouhome.”

Aswemadeourwaytowardtheexit,Jakewalkedcloselybehindme,pressinghishardbody

againstmybackwhilehisarmswerewrappedaroundmywaist.Mynippleswerehardassteelfromthe
contact.Thehormonesthatweretriggeringmycryingearlierwerenowsimplymakingmehornyashell.

Twowomeneatingtogetherlookedenviouslyatusaswewalkedby.Theylikelywishedmyhot

husbandwererubbingupontheminsteadofme.Helookedparticularlysmokin’tonight,toowiththe
sidesofhishairstickingoutfromunderhisbeanie.Alongtimeago,IrealizedthatbeingwithJakemeant
gettingusedtowomencheckinghimout.

Thebellsonthedoordingedaswesteppedoutintothesnowyair.Itwasn’tablizzardlikethe

previousnight,butthewhitestuffwasstartingtostick.

“Whereareyouparked?”
“Therewerenospotsontheroad,soIhadtoparkinthesmalllotbehindthediner.It’sfor

employeesonly.Hopefully,theydidn’tticketme.”

Heledmedownahilltotherearofthebuilding.Jake’sMustangsatinthebackofthelotnexttoa

dumpster.Thealuminumrimsgleamedinthedarkness.

Itwasdesolateandquietcomparedtothenoiseofthestreet.
Hewalkedaroundtothepassengersideandopenedthedoorforme.“Getin,baby.”
Iwasgladthisdaywasover.Mybodybuzzedjustthinkingaboutwhathe’ddotomelater.The

besttypeofsexwithJakewasthemake-upkindafterwe’dworkedthrougharoughpatch.Itwasalways

themostintense.

Hestuckthekeyintheignitionandturnedontheenginebutstayedparked.“They’reallwaitingto

seeyoutomakesureyou’reokay.Isortofrushedoutoftheapartmentlikeabatoutofhell.Idon’treally
feellikegoinghometoafullhouse.”

“Youjustsaidbatandfullhouseinthesamesentence.Yourealizethat,right?”
“Oldhabitsdiehard.”
Ilaughed.“Idon’twanttogobackthere,either.”
Jaketurnedtheknobtoblasttheheat.Flurriesstucktothewindshield,obstructingtheview.
“Youknowwhatthisremindsmeof?”heasked.“Thatfirstyearwemet,beforeyouhadtogo

upstateforChristmaswhenwestayedoutinthesnowaftercominghomefromourChicagotrip.
Remember?”

“Yeah.HowcouldIforget?”
“Iwassoinlovewithyouthatnight,butIcouldn’ttellyou.”Hereachedoverformyhand.“You

knowwhatIspenttodaydoing?RecallingtheentirestoryofhowwegottogethertoMitchandSkylar.
Mitchneverrealizedalotoftheshitwewentthrough.Iswear,goingovereverythingmademefallin
lovewithyoualloveragain.Atthesametime,IwaspetrifiedbecauseIdidn’tknowwhathappenedwith
youtoday.Yet,thereIwas,reminiscingandmorecertainthaneverthatmylifewouldbenothingwithout
you.”

“Todaywasenlighteningforbothofus.Butthatwasthefirstandlasttimeyou’lleverseeme

walkoutonyoulikethat.”

“Youcanwalkoutanytimeyouneedtoaslongasyoucomebacktome.Sometimes,youneedto

stepawaytorealizeyoucan’treallywalkawayfromsomethingthat’sapartofyou.”

“We’vehadourupsanddowns,Jake.Buteverysingletimewegothroughsomething,Ifeeleven

closertoyouafter.”

“Adversityonlystrengthensthekindoflovewehave.Whenyou’rewiththepersonyou’remeant

tobewith,that’swhathappens.Ultimately,everyexperience,evenhorriblestuff,bindsustighter.It’sall
atest.Theoneswholetittearthemapartfindouttheywereneverreallyinloveatall.”

“We’redamnlucky.”
“Whatitreallycomesdowntoisamuchsimplerconcept,actually.”
“What’sthat?”
Hewiggledhisbrows.“Lessfighting,morefucking.”
“Isthatyourmotto?”
“Ithinkit’sgonnahavetobenow.”
Ishivered.
“Youcold,baby?”
Myteethchattered.“Alittle.”
Hismouthcurvedintoacrookedsmile.“Youwantmetowarmyouup?”
Everythingwasstill,exceptforthesoundofthecarrunning.
Mylipspartedasmyvisiblebreathmethisinthecoldair.
“Yeah,Ido.”
Hisgazetravelledslowlydownwardandupagain.Thelookonhisfacewasabitdevious,and

hiseyesturneddeliciouslydark.

Iknewthatlook.
Thatwastheexactlookhegavemewhenhewasabouttofuckme,nomatterthetimenorplace.It

waswhyhehadn’tmovedthecaryet.Myentirebodyquiveredinanticipationonceithitmewherethis
wasgoing.Ifeltmyselfgettingwetashecontinuedtogivemethelook.

Helickedslowlyacrosshisbottomlip.Jesus.Nineyears.Nineyears,andthattongueringstill

drovemewild.

Themusclesinbetweenmylegstightened,andmorewetnesspooledthere.Thesehormoneshad

meinafrenzy.

“Takeoffyourboots.”
IslippedtheUggsoff,leavingmyblackleggings.
“Whatifsomeoneseesus?”
Jakeunbuckledhisbelt.“Honestly,Idon’treallygiveashit.Ihopetheyenjoytheshow.Ineed

younow.Wecantrytobediscreet.”

Heunzippedhisjeans,andhisbeautifulthickshaftstoodatfullattention.
Wettingmylips,Isaid,“Thatdoesn’tlookverydiscreettome.”Icouldn’thelpleaningover,

slowlyandteasinglylickinghiswetcrown.Ilovedhistaste.

Hepushedbackagainsttheheadrestandhissed,“Stop.Seriously…stop.”
Ilistened,sensinghe’dloseitifIdidn’t.
Heslidhisseatbackasfarasitwouldgoandtuggedatmyleggings.“Takethoseoffandcomesit

onme.”

Ipulledthemoff,tossingtheminsideoutandclimbedontopoffhim.Keepingmykneesbent,I

wrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Iunzippedhisjacketandslippedmyhandsunderhisshirt.Theskin
beneathwassurprisinglywarmasIrubbedoverhissolidchest.HemadeanunintelligiblesoundasI
startedtonibbleonhisneck.Then,hegrabbedmychinandpulledmetowardhimintoaravenouskiss,
swirlinghistongueringalongtheinsideofmymouthwhilehemoaneddownmythroat.

Hewouldn’tentermeyet.Iwassofrustratinglyturnedon,soakingwetandpulsatingwithneedas

hesqueezedmyhipswhileIgrindedagainsthisslicklength.Hisballsfelthotunderneathmyass.The
needtohavehiminsideofmewasintolerable.

Theheatofhisbreathwarmedmyentirebodyasourlipsstayedlocked.
Whenhebrokethekiss,hisbreathingwasragged.“Idon’tthinkyou’veeverbeenthiswetforme.

You’remorethanready,aren’tyou?”

Unabletowaitanylonger,Ipositionedmyselfoverhimandboredownhardashesunkintome.
“Fuck,Nina.Ahhh,”hemoanedwithhiseyesshuttightly.Positioninghishandsfirmlyaroundmy

ass,hemovedmybodyoverhiscockasheburiedhimselfasdeeplyinsideofmeashecouldgo.“This
wasexactlywhatIneeded,”hegrowled.“God,yourpussyissowet.What’supwithyoutonight?IwishI
couldfuckyouforeverlikethis.Itfeels…so…amazing.”

“I’mreallysensitive.Thisfeelsalmosttoogood.Isthatpossible?”
“Fuck,no.Nosuchthing,”hesaid,thrustingintomeharder.
Ilovedthedeepconnectionoflockingeyeswithhisaswefucked.WhenJakelookedupatmeasI

rodehim,itfeltlikeI’dgottencompletelylostinhim.Itseemedlikehewasstaringdeepintomysoul
whenhesaid,“This.Thisrighthere.Makesitallworthit.Iloveyou,myangel.”

“Iloveyou.”
Hedughisfingersintomyhairandfistedit.“I’mgonnacomesohardrightnow,Nina.”
“Givemeeverything.I’mcoming,too.”
Jakegroanedsoloudly,IcouldhaveswornthewindowsoftheMustangshook.
Wewerestillgaspingforair,comingdownfromourhigh.Wrappinghishandaroundthebackof

myneck,hecontinuedtolookatmelikeIwastheonlythingthatmatteredtohim.

Iknewthatwasthemoment.
Ismileddownathimasmyheartleaptforjoy.“I’mpregnant.”
Hiseyeswidened.“What?”
MymouthwasshakyasIrepeated,“I’mpregnant.”
Stillinsideofme,hestraightenedupabit.“I…Isawtheemptyboxinthetrash.Iassumedyou

wereupsetbecauseitwasnegative.OhmyGod.You’re…”Hecoveredhismouthwithbothhands.“Holy
shit.”

“Myhormoneshavebeenmakingmecrazy.Ifanything,thatwasthereasonIleft.Itookthetest

shortlybeforeyoutoldmeyouweren’tcominghome.IhadbeenwaitingforyoutogetbacksoIcouldtell
you.”

Hiseyeswerewatering.“Thisisreallyhappening?”
“Yes.It’sreal.We’regonnahaveababy.”
“You’vejustmademethehappiestmanintheworld.”Jakeheldmeclose,buryinghisfaceinmy

chest.“I’llneverforgetthismoment.Whatstartedasoneofthescariestdaysofmylifeendedupbeing
oneofthebest.”

***

Wewaitedacoupleofweekstotelloursonaboutthepregnancy.A.J.jumpedupanddownin

excitementwhenwebrokethenewstohimthathewasgoingtobeabigbrother.He’dstoppedaskingfor
asiblingacoupleofyearsbackwhenIexplainedtohimthatGoddecideswhentogivesomeoneachild,
andthatMommaandDaddyhadnocontroloverit.

Afewweeksafterwetoldhimaboutthebaby,weweresittingaroundthetableforlunchone

Sundayafternoonwhenoursonhituswithaninterrogationweweren’treadyfor.

I’dbeenmakinghimaplatewhenhisfirstquestionstartledme.“YousaidGodputthebabyin

yourstomach?”

“That’sright.”
“So,doesthatmeanGodputababyintoMr.Heathnextdoor?”
Jakespitouthisdrinkthenanswered,“No.Mr.Heathjustdrinkstoomuchbeer.”
“Oh.”
“Onlywomencanhavebabiesintheirbellies,”Isaid.
“Why?Idon’tgetit.WhydoesGodonlygivethemtowomen?”
“That’sagoodquestion.”
“Aidanfromschoolsaidyouliedtomeabouthowbabiesaremade.”
Jake’sforkdropped.Lookinglikehewasgoingtoloseit,hedownedhiswatertokeepfrom

crackingup.

“WhatexactlydidAidantellyou?”Iasked.
“HetoldmeDaddyplantsaseedinyouandwatersit.Andthatmakesababy.KindoflikeaChia

pet.”

“Oh.”
Jake’sshouldersshookinsilentlaughter.
AperplexedlookwashedacrossA.J.’sface.“Buthowdoeshedoit?Planttheseed.Idon’tgetit.

Thatsoundskindofdifficult.”

Thoroughlyamused,myhusband’sfacelitup.“It’salotofhardwork,son.”
A.J.lookedbackandforthbetweenthetwoofus,hisspikedMohawkstickingupintheair.“So,

Daddydoesallthework?”

Jakeshruggedhisshoulders.“Idon’tmind.”
Crumplinganapkin,Ithrewitathimjokingly.
“Whendidyoudoit?”A.J.asked.
Myfacemusthavebeenadeepshadeofpink.IwasatatotallossforwordsandjustletJaketake

overtheconversation,whichturnedouttobeamistake.

“I’veplantedandwateredseveralhundred,actually.Technically,weshouldhaveamassive

crop.”

“CanIwatchnexttimeyouplantone?”
MyeyeswerebuggingoutasIthrewmyforkdown.“Okay.Ithinkwe’redonewiththis

conversation.Afterlunch,Daddyisgoingtotakeyouforawalktothebookstore.Theyhaveabookthere
thatwillexplainexactlyhowbabiesaremade.”

Jakeflashedmeashit-eatinggrin.EvenwhenIwantedtokillhim,Ilovedhimsomuch.

CHAPTER22

JAKE

SevenMonthsLater

Itwashardasarock,lookingreadytoburstandalwaysmovedwhenitgotexcited.
TherewasnothingbetterthantimealonewithNina’sgiganticbellywhilesheslept.Itwaslikea

beachballwrappedinsilk.

Dimsunlightpeekedthroughtheheavyslidingcurtainsinourroom.WewereatahotelinNew

HampshireonababymoonandwerescheduledtoheadbacktoBostonearlythisevening.

Ninawassleepingsoundlythroughthenoiseofthericketyairconditioner.Shewaseightmonths

alongnow.We’ddecidedtoletthegenderofourbabybeasurprise.Iwassureitwasagirl.Ninaand
A.J.thoughtitwasaboy.Itdidn’tmattertomeaslongasitwashealthy.

MysisterhadtakenA.J.fortheweekendsothatNinaandIcouldhaveonenightawaybeforethe

bigarrivalnextmonth.SincethepregnancywithA.J.hadbeenproblematic,resultinginaC-section,
Nina’sdoctorsscheduledherforanotheronethistimearoundjusttobeonthesafeside.

“Hello,mylittlealien,”IwhisperedagainstNina’sbellyasthebabydidwhatlookedlikeslow

breakdancing.Itwasimpossibletoresistsoftlykissingthetautskinwheneveritmoved.Itwasjustthe
twoofusupnow,afterall,whileNinasnored.

“You’reamorningpersonlikeDaddy,eh?Well,yourbrotherandMommyliketosleepin.So,

whenyoucomeout,maybewecanwatchthesunrisetogethersometime.Wouldyoulikethat?”Iranmy
lipsalongthesmoothskinofherstomachagain.“It’sprobablyprettydarkinthererightnow,huh?”

“Hmmm.”Ninastirredbeforerollingovertowardmeandaskedinasleepyvoice,“Whoareyou

talkingto?”

“Thelittlealien.Wehangoutsometimeswhenyou’resleeping.”
“Who?”
“Ourkid.Shewasshowingmehermoves.”
Ninaflashedajoyfulsmile.“She,huh?”Hermoodseemedtoquicklyshift.“OhmyGod.”
“What?”
“Jake,I’msowet.”
“Giddyup.”
“No!”shesaid,jumpingupandpattingthesheets.“Notthatkindofwet.Feel.”
Thesheetsweredamp,thespotrightunderhercompletelysoaked.
“Shit.”
“Ithinkmywaterbroke!Ohno.No,no,no.Thisisnotgood.”
Ifranticallysearchedformyphone.“Canwecallyourdoctor?”
“She’sjustgonnatellmetogotothehospital.Idon’tevenknowwherethenearestoneistous

rightnow.”

IopenedGoogleandstartedsearchingforhospitalsclosetothelakeregionwherewewere

staying.Wewerefarfromamajorcity,whichwasunsettling.“SaintAndrewsisthenearestone.It’sfive
milesaway.”

Thewordswerespillingoutofhermouthsofast.Icouldhardlyunderstandher.“Thisisn’t

supposedtohappen.Mybodyisnotsupposedtogointonaturallabor.I’mscaredbecauseI’mmoreprone
touterinerupturebecauseofthepriorC-section.Whatifwedon’tgetthereintimeandsomething
happenstothebaby?”

“Isthereachanceyou’renotactuallyinlabor?”
“Ithinkoncethewaterbreaks,thatmeansit’shappening.”
“We’llgetyouthere,baby.Don’tworry.Everythingisgonnabefine.”
Now,ifIcouldonlyconvincemyselfofthat.
Ninascrambledtothrowsomeofherthingsintothesuitcasethensaid,“I’mgonnatakeaquick

shower.ItmightbeawhilebeforeIcandothatagain.”

“Yellifyouneedme.I’llpacktherestofourshitinthemeantime.”
Abouttenminuteslater,whenNinareturnedfromthebathroom,shewasleaningbackintoher

hands,graspingthebottomofherhips.“Ithinkthecontractionsarestartingnow.Theyseemtobecoming
fromtheback.IneverhadthemwithA.J.,soIdon’tknowwhattheyevenfeellike,butI’mgettingthese
sharppains.”

Fuck.
“We’dbettergo.”
Theloudclickoftheheavysuitedoorlockingbehindusechoedthroughthehallway.Oursuitcase

rollingalongthecarpetofthedesolatehotelseemedliketheonlysignoflife.Itwasstillearlyanda
Sunday.Wewereprobablytheonlypeopleawakeintheentirebuildingasidefromthefrontdeskstaff
downstairs.Ourroomwaslocatedonthetenthfloor.Ipushedthedownbuttonandprayedthatthe
elevatorcamequickly.ThebusyfloralpatternontherugmademedizzyasIlookeddowninanattemptto
calmmyself.Icouldn’tletNinaseehowfreakedoutthissituationwasmakingme.

Rubbingherback,Itriedtosootheher.“Don’tworryaboutanything.I’mwithyou.We’regonna

getthroughthis.We’llgettothehospitalinnotime.”

Shenervouslynoddedandletoutalongbreathbutsaidnothing.
Thewaitseemedtobetakingforever.Whenthedoorsslidopen,Iplacedmyhandonthemiddle

ofherbackandgentlyledherintotheelevator.

Nina’sbackwaspressedagainstmychestaswestartedtodescend.Usingmypalmstogently

massageherbelly,Iwhisperedintoear,“Everythingisgonnabefine.”

Almostassoonasthewordscameoutofmymouth,theelevatormadeajerkingmovementthat

causedustolosebalancebeforeslammingagainstthewall.Thecarwasnolongermoving.Thedoorwas
stillshuttight.

What’shappening?
No.
No.
No.
“Jake!Areyoukidding?Don’tpullthisonmenow,please!”
“Itwasn’tme.Iswear,”Isaid,franticallypushingallofthebuttonsrepeatedly.
“Myeyeswereclosed.Ididn’tsee.Iassumedyoupushedthestopbuttonasajoke.OhmyGod!

Please…no.Thiscan’tbehappening!”

ShehadeveryreasontosuspectthatI’dmadetheelevatorstoponpurpose.Inthepast,I’d

intentionallydonethattwice,firstduringourfearexcursionwaybackwhenandthenagainwhenI
proposedtoher.Butjokingaboutsomethinglikethatunderthesecircumstanceswouldhavebeenpretty
sickandnotfunnyatall.

“Iwouldn’tdothattoyou,baby.Unfortunately,thislookstobethefirsttimewe’veactuallyever

gottenlegitimatelystuckinone.”

Inhalingandexhalingloudly,shesaid,“That’saprettyhorribleironyrightaboutnow.”
Pressingtheemergencycallbuttonwithonehand,Ilookedupthenumberforthefrontdeskwith

theother,havingtodialitseveraltimesbecausemynervousfingerskeptscrewingupthenumbers.

Thephonekeptringingandwenttoageneralvoicemailbox.Noresponsefrommypressingthe

buttonadnauseum,either.

Areyoufuckingkiddingme?
Slammingmyhandagainstthewall,Iyelled,“Howthefuckcouldtherebenoresponse?”
Ninaheldontoherbackwithbothhandsasiftheywerekeepingherfromfallingtothegroundin

pain.“OhmyGod.Thisissobad,soverybad.”

“Don’tpanic,baby.Whatareyoufeelingrightnow?”
“Thepains…they’regettingclosertogether.”
Bangingonthedoorfrantically,Iyelledatthetopofmylungs,“Cananyonehearus?We’restuck.

Help!”

Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.
Afterseveralminutes,itseemeduseless.
“I’mcalling9-1-1,”Isaid.
Clutchingherstomachandpracticingherbreathing,sheslowlysliddownontothefloor.
Theemergencylinepickedup.“What’stheaddresscaller?”
“OldRidgewoodEstatesoffWashingtonHighway.”
“Pleaseconfirmyourtelephonenumber.”
“617-596-9968.”
“Andwhatisthenatureofyouremergency?”
“Weneedhelp.Mywifeisinlabor,andwe’restuckinthehotelelevator.She’sfeelingalotof

pressure.”

“Doesbuildingmaintenanceknow?”
“Nooneisrespondingtoourcalls.”
“Okay,we’resendingacrewoverrightaway,butifyouthinkshe’shavingthebaby,I’mgonna

transferyoutosomeonewhocanhelpguideyouthroughincasetheparamedicsdon’tgetthereintime.
Stayontheline.”

Whatwasactuallyhappeningherewasstartingtosinkin.“JesusChrist.”
KneelingdownnexttoNina,IletoutadeepbreathbeforerubbingherbackasIwaitedonhold.

“It’llbeokay,baby.We’regonnagetoutofhere.”

Then,camestaticfollowedbyawoman’svoice.“Hello,sir.Canyoutellmehowoldyourwife

is?”

“Thirty-one.”
“Howmanyweekspregnant?”
“Uh…thirty-seven.”
“Whatisshefeelingrightnow?”
“Baby,describewhatyou’refeeling.”
“Just…alotofpressure,especiallyaroundmyass.Itfeelslikesomething’sgoingtocomeoutof

there.I’mscared.”

“Itfeelslikethebaby’sgonnacomeoutofherass.”
“Sir,youdon’thavetoworry.That’sneveractuallyhappenedbefore.”Shelaughed.“She’sjust

havingbacklabor.Howfarapartarehercontractions?”

“Howfarapart,Nina?”
Sheblewoutalongbreathandshookherhead,lookingtoopainedtoevenanswer.“Idon’tknow

exactly.Lessthanaminute,maybe.”

Theairfeltstuffy.Ninawassweatingandliftedtheshirtoffofherhead.
“Soundslikeshe’sdefinitelyinlabornow,”thewomansaid.“Doesshehaveanycomplications?”
“ThiswassupposedtobeaC-sectionbecauseshehadonepriorwithourson.”
“Doyouhaveanysoftmaterialsthatyoucanplaceonthegroundforher?”
“Yeah.Wehaveoursuitcaseherewithus.It’sfullofclothes.”
“Placesomeshirtsorwhateveryouhaveunderneathhertomakehercomfortable.Makesureyou

putsomeasideforthebaby.Ifthebabyisdelivered,it’sgoingtobeimportanttokeephimwarmand
dry.”

“Alright.”
Keepingtheblacksuitcasevertical,Iunzippedithalfway,takingoutalloftheshirtswehad

packedandthrowingthemontheground.

“Okay,tellhertojustkeepbreathing.Haveherpantinarhythmofthreequickbreathsinandone

longblowout.Thiscouldhelpdelaythebirth.Ialsowantyoutohaveherlieonherleftside.Herface
shouldbenearthefloor,andherbottomintheair.Canyoudothat?”

Herfacenearthefloor.Herbottomintheair.Therewasagoodchancethatpositiongotus

intothispredicament.

“Sir?”
“Yeah…”
“Everythingisgoingtobeokay.Yourwife’snameisNina?Whatisyourname?”
“I’mJake.JakeGreen.”
“Mr.Green,I’mBonnie.We’regonnagetthroughthistogether.You’redoingagreatjob.”
IlookeddownatNinastrugglingagainstthebrownpanelingofthewall.Panicwasbuilding

insideofmefast,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,IprobablyunderstoodwhatNinausedtofeellike
beforehyperventilating.Along,shakybreathescapedme.“Thankyouforhelpingus.”

“Continuetokeepheronherside.Thatmighthelpeasetheurgetopush.”
“Nina,baby.Makesureyoustayonyourside.”
Theminutesthatfollowedfeltlikeadream.Thingswerequietforawhile,amassivecalmbefore

thestorm.Upuntilthatpoint,Ihadn’tevenrealizedthattherewaselevatormusic.Aslowballadplaying
ontheoverheadspeakermixedwiththerhythmofNina’sformulaicbreathingweretheonlysoundsasI
heldmywife’shandandjustprayed.

“Ifyoucan,havehermassagethespacebetweenhervaginaandanus.Thiswillhelpimprove

elasticityanddecreasetearing.”

“Saywhat?”
BeforeIcouldevenbegintoexplainthatbizarresuggestion,Ninascreamed,“Ow,ow,ow!It’s

gettingworse!”

“Help!”Ibarkedintothephone.“Thepainsaregettingworse.”
Witheverywailingsoundcomingoutofher,sharppainsshotthroughme.
“Okay,havehercontinuetobreathe,”Bonniesaid.
“Ifeelsomethingtherenow,likeabiglump!”Ninayelled.
“Makesureherpantsaredown,”Bonniesaidcalmly.
Howthefuckcouldshebesocalm?
IhelpedNinapullherleggingsoffandrepositionedtwoshirtsunderher.Iputthephoneon

speaker.

“Itfeelslikealump?”Iasked,spreadingherlegsapart.Somethingwasthere.
Itwasthehead.
“OhmyGod.It’sthehead.”
“Sir,okay.Bringherbottomnearertothefloorandplacethepalmofyourhandagainsthervagina.

Applyfirmbutgentlepressure.Thiswillkeepthebabyfromcomingouttoofastandpreventherfrom
tearing.”

Firmbutgentlepressure.
Firmbutgentlepressure.
Ninasquirmedassheheldherbelly.“It’scoming!”
Ilookeddown.“Holyshit!Theheadsout.Theheadsout!”
Bonnie’sstatickywordsresonatedthroughoutthesmallspaceassheraisedhervoice.“Okay,

you’regonnawanttosupportthebaby’sheadandshoulders.Becareful.Thebaby’sbodywillbevery
wetandcouldeasilyslipoutofyourhands.”

MyentirebodytightenedtogearupasIopenedmyarmsandpreparedtopullmychildintothe

world.

Ninagaveonefinalpush.“OhmyGod,OhmyGod,OhmyGod!”
Withinseconds,thebabywasinmyarms.CelineDion’sThePowerofLovestartedplayingabove

ontheelevatorspeaker.Itwasthemostsurrealmomentofmylife.

Gaspingforair,Isaid,“I’vegotit.It’sout.”
“It’scompletelyout?”Bonnieasked.
Tearsfilledmyeyes,andmylipsshook.“Yeah.”
Thebaby’scrywasstrong.Ilookeddownbetweenitstinylegs.
“It’sagirl.OhmyGod.It’sagirl!Baby,wehaveadaughter.”
“Really?Agirl?”
Bonnie’svoiceinterruptedourmoment.“Grabashirtandgentlywipethebaby’snoseandmouth.”
Ilookedaroundme.
Shirt.
Shirt.
Shirt.
Cradlingthebaby,IgrabbedoneofNina’stopsfromthepileanddidasBonnieinstructed.

“Okay.”

“Now,wrapthebabyinanothercleanshirt.Makesuretheheadiscovered.Thisistoprevent

hypothermia.Whateveryoudo,donotpullonthecord.”

“Alright.”
Icarefullywrappedourdaughterinoneofmyflannelbuttondowns.
“Makesureyourwifeiswarm.”
“Baby,areyouokay?”
Ninagroanedandnoddedherhead.
“Listencarefully,Mr.Green.Canyourwifeholdthebaby?Haveherplacethebabyonher

stomach.”

Ninareachedoutherhands,andIslowlytransferredthebabyontoherstomach.
“Mr.Green?You’redoinggreat.Theafterbirthwillprobablydeliversoon.”
“Theafterwhat?It’snotover?”
“No.Haveherholdthebabyagainstherskinandplacesomethingoverthemboth.Thiswillhelp

keepeveryonecalmuntiltheycangetyououtofthere.”

Igrabbedmycoatanddrapeditoverthem.
“You’llstayonthephonewithus?”
“Ofcourse.Youmaywanttogrababagifyouhaveonefromyoursuitcasetoputtheplacentain.

Thebabywillstillbeattachedtoituntiltheparamedicsgetthere.So,you’llputitinsideabag
somewhereclosetoNina.”

Ninamuttered,“WehavelargeZiplocbagsthatthetoiletriesarein.Graboneofthose.”

“Ziplocs!ThankGodforsmallmiracles.”
Wespentthenexttenminutesorsohuddledtogether,cradlingourbabybeforeNinasaid,“I’m

feelinglikeIhavetopushagain.”

Ihoppedup.“Shehastopushagain.”
Bonnieimmediatelyresponded,“Okay,that’stheplacenta.Havehermoveintoanupright

position.”

Afterafewpushes,theplacentacameout.
Holdingwhatlookedlikeapieceofrawmeat,Iasked,“WhatdoIdoagain?”
“Justputitinthebagandkeepitnexttoyou.”
ApoolofredsurroundedtheareaunderneathNina.
“There’sbloodeverywhere.”
“That’snormal.”
“Thisdoesn’tlooknormal.”
“Theparamedicsarealmostthere.I’mtoldthefiredepartmentisonsiteworkingwithhotel

maintenancerightnow.Theyshouldhaveyououtofthereshortly.Trytoremaincalm.”

Anindeterminateamountoftimepassed.Ninawasstartingtosounddisoriented.“Jake,Idon’t

feelgood.Something’sreallywrong.Youneedtotakethebaby.”

Mydaughter’slegsandarmsflailedthroughtheplaidflannelshirtwrappedaroundhertinybody

asNinahandedhertome.IfeltlikeIwasabouttohaveaheartattack.

Panic-stricken,Iyelledintothephone,“She’sstillbleeding.She’slosingalotoffuckingblood.

Youneedtotellthemtohurry!Please!”

“Doesitlooklikemorethanapint?Listen,Mr.Green,youneedtomassageherlowerabdomen

immediately.”

Suddenly,herheadslumpedover.
“No!Nina!”Icried.
Holdingourbabyinonearm,IrepeatedlytappedNina’scheekswithmyotherhand.“Baby,

please.Staywithme.Nina.Please.”

“What’shappening,sir?”
“She’spassedout.She’sunconscious.”Myvisionwasblindedbythetearsinmyeyes.Mylips

weretremblingasIspoke,unabletocatchmybreath,“Nina,wakeup.Wakeup.Please!”

Itfeltlikethemiddleofanightmare,mybaby’sdeafeningcryareminderthatthiswasveryreal

andnotsomethingIwasgoingtowakeupfrom.Bonnie’svoicebecamejumbledinthemidstofmypanic.

Then,cameajoltfollowedbysuddenandsteadymovementdownward.
AsNinacontinuedtoremainunconscious,lookinglikeshewasbleedingtodeath,thedescentfelt

morelikeadownwardspiralintothedepthsofhell.

Thedoorsslidopen,andeventhoughlightstreamedin,darknesssurroundedme.
Thedarknessofmenrushingin.
Thedarknessofsomeonetakingmycryinginfantaway.
ThedarknessofNinabeingputontoastretcherwithanoxygenmaskoverherface.
Thedarknessoftheirvoices.“She’shemorrhaging.”
Itwasallhappeningatlightningspeed,thefateofeverythingthatmatteredtomehanginginthe

balanceinthehandsoftotalstrangers.

Nina’swordsfromyearspasthauntedme.
Thereisnothingthatcouldmakemeleaveyou.
Youbroughtmebacktolife.
Yet,Iwashelplesstosavehernow.
HowI’dgottenfromthehotelintothatambulanceandtothehospitalwasamysterytome.Those

twentyorsominuteswereablurrymontageofterrifyingsounds,voicesandflashinglightsasNinalay
semi-consciousandbleedingwhileparamedicstendedtoherandthebaby.

OnceatSaintAndrews,Itriedtobargemywayintotheoperatingroom,buttheywouldn’tletme

inside.Medicalstaffinmaskspushedmeawayfromeverythingthatmatteredtome.Tooafraidtotakeany
focusoffofthejobtheyneededtodo,Ibackeddownandstayedinthewaitingroomastheyinstructed.

Now,asIsatwithmyheadinmyhands,Ididn’tknowifshewasdeadoralive.They’dtakenour

daughtertothenursery,butmyshockparalyzedme,makingmeunabletomovefrommyspotlongenough
togovisither.

Ninahadtobeokay.Notonlyformebutforoursonanddaughter.
Aflashofherbeautifulsmilefromwhenshefirstwokeupthismorninghitme.Lifehadchanged

inaninstant.

Itwasn’tpossibletoimaginelifewithouther.Beforetoday,IthoughtIunderstoodhowstrongmy

loveforherwas.Facedwiththethreatoflosingherforever,thedepthofthatlovewastrulyrealized.
Becauseevenwithmyhealthybabygirlandsonathome,thefuturewasblankwithoutNina.Ididn’tjust
loveher.Tome,shewaslove,waslife.

Mylifestartedthedaysheenteredit.Itwouldendthedaysheleftit.Therewasnogapbetween

whereIbeganandsheended.Wewereone.

I’dalwaysacceptedwhateverhandI’dbeendealt,especiallywithIvy.IneverblamedGodor

anyoneelseforthetragediesinmylife.ButifsomethinghappenedtoNina,IknewIwouldneverrecover.
Iwouldn’tbeabletoforgiveHim.Andthatterrifiedme,whatthatwouldmeanformykidsiftheirfather
wasjustanemptyshellfortherestoftheirlives.

Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwastrulyscared.
“Mr.Green?”
MyheadflewupwardasIstooduptomeetthedoctor’sfacewhichheldanindecipherable

expression.Myheartwasstrugglingtokeepupwiththefeardrivingittobeatfasterthanwhatitcould
sustain.

“Yourwifeisstable.”
Stable
Alive.
EverymuscleinmybodyrelaxedatonceasthebreathsI’dbeenholdingforwhatseemedlikean

eternityreleasedoutofme.

Thankyou.
Thankyou.
Thankyou.
“Asyouknow,therewasanexcessiveamountofbleedingfromthehemorrhaging.Wewereable

tocompressthearteriessupplyingbloodtotheuteruswithouthavingtodoahysterectomy.There
shouldn’tbeanylong-termimplicationsonfertility.Sheisveryluckytobealivegiventhecircumstances
youwerefoundin.”

“She’sconsciousnow?”
“Yes.Thefaintinghappenedbecauseofasuddendropinbloodpressureasaresultofthe

bleeding.”

“CanIseeher?”
“Yes.Butsheshouldgetsomerestsoonafter.Wehadtogiveheroxytocintohelptheuterus

contractinordertostopthebleedingthatensuedaftertheplacentaldelivery,soshe’llbetiredfromthe
drugnottomentiontheordeal.We’llbekeepingherhereacoupleofextradaysoverthenormfor
observation.”

“Thankyou,doctor.God,thankyousomuch.Yousavedherlife.Icouldneverrepayyou.Never.”

“Noneedforthanks.It’swhatIdo.”Hesmiled.“I’mtoldyourdaughterisdoingjustfine,too.

You’realuckyman,Mr.Green.”Hegavemeasinglepatontheshoulderandsaid,“Followme.”

EagerlyfollowingthepathtoNina’sroom,Isaidasilentprayertothemanupstairsforcoming

throughwhenIneededHimmost.

Herhairwassplayedacrossthepillow,andhereyeswereclosed.AnIVwasconnectedtoher

arm.Mypoorbabywasexhausted.

Exhaustedbutalive.
Iwantedtobestrong.She’dbeenthroughenoughwithoutseeingmebreakdown.Butthemoment

myfacelandedinthecrookofherneck,Icameapart.Smellingthescentofherskin,listeningtothe
breathsIwasn’tsureI’devergettohearagain,mybodyshook.Anendlessflowoftearspouredfrommy
eyesandontoherhospitalgown.

“Jake…”
“Shh.Yes,baby.I’mhere.Youdon’thavetosayanything.”
“Isthebabyokay?”
“Baby’sgreat.”
“Whyareyoucrying?”
“BecauseIloveyou.”
“Idon’tremembermuchafterIblackedout.AmIgonnabeokay?”
“Yes.Theystoppedthebleedingandfixedit.”
“CanIstillhavebabies?”
“Yes.That’swhatthedoctorsaid.”Iheldhertighter.“Youmean,youwouldwantanotherone

afterallthis?”

“Onlywithyou.”Teardropswerestreamingdownhercheeks.“Youwereamazing.Youdelivered

ourbaby!”

“Nina…youweretheamazingone,sobrave.Wehaveadaughter.Icouldn’teventrulyappreciate

herbecauseIwassoterrifiedtoloseyou.”

“Whereisshe?”
“She’sinthenursery.Ihaven’tcheckedonherbecauseIcouldn’tmovefromoutsidetheoperating

roomuntilIknewyouwereokay.”

“Iwanttoseeher.”
“I’llgocheckiftheycanbringhertous.”
ThedooropenedjustasIwasgettingup.Anursecarriedourbabygirlwhowasswaddledina

blanket.Shewaswearingapinkhatandhadwhitemittenscoveringherhands.

Ninacradledthebabytoherchest.Ourdaughterimmediatelystartedtosearchwithhermouthfor

sustenance,herlittleheadtwistingbackandforthoverNina’sbreastasshetriedtolocatethegoods.

“Lookather!”Ninalaughed.“SheknowswhoherMamais.She’snotwastinganytime.”
“She’slikeherDaddythatway.”
Thenursecoughedandsmiledawkwardly.“Areyouplanningtobreastfeed?”
“Yes.”
“Thebabyhadalittleformula.Butifyoulike,wecantryseeingifshe’llfeedrightnow.”
Ninaloweredthehospitalgown,revealingherswollenbreast.Amazingly,ourdaughterlatchedon

almostimmediately.Couldn’tsayIblamedheronebit.

“I’llleaveyoualonewithyourdaughter,”thenursesaidbeforeexitingtheroom.
Ninaliftedthepinkhat.“Shelookslikeyou,Jake.She’sgotthesamedarkhairasA.J.IguessI

haveweakgenes.”

“Youjustcan’tescapeme.Now,I’mmultiplyinginsideyou.”Iranmythumbalongthebaby’ssoft

fuzzyhairasshecontinuedtodevourNina’snippleliketherewasnotomorrow.Thesucklingsoundwas

freakingadorable.“Mylittlealien.Youwreakedhavoctoday.”

“Isthatwhatyouwanttonameher?Aliena?”
“Thatwouldbefitting.ButIthinkweshouldcomeupwithsomethingelse.”
“Actually,Ikindofhadanameinmind,”shesaid.
“Whatisit?”
“Kennedy.”
“KennedyGreen.Ilikethesoundofthat.Thetwoofus.”
“Yes.Exactly.”
“It’sperfect,baby.Perfect.”Tearswerereturningtomyeyes.Shehadaname.Iwasfinallyable

toabsorbthemagnitudeofmydaughter’sentryintotheworldnowthatNinawassafe.“Youlikethat,
Kennedy?”

“Shedoesn’tcarewhathernameisrightnow.She’stoobusyeating.”
“Icanrelate.YoumakemeforgetmynameallthetimewhenI’mfeastingonyou.”
“Itwillbealittlewhilebeforethathappensagain.Ihavetoheal.”
Igroaned,“Don’tremindme.”
Sheliftedherbrow.“Wecanbecreative.”
“Ohyeah?”
“Ithinkyourdeliveringourbabywarrantsaprettydamnepicblowjobwhenwegethome.”
“I’mgonnabepushingforanearlyreleasethen.”
“Seriously,Jake.Youwereincredibleinthatelevator.”
“Wedoelevatorswell,baby,don’twe?”

***

Thefollowingday,Ninawasextremelysore,butthankfully,allofhervitalswerecheckingout

normally.ShewastakinganapwhileIheldthebabyintheseatnexttothebed.

Earlierintheday,I’dgoneouttopurchaseacarseatforthelongridebacktoBoston.Wewere

countingtheminutesuntilwecouldtakeKennedyhometomeetherbigbrother.We’dtoldourfamiliesnot
tobothertravellinguptoNewHampshire,tosavetheirenergyinsteadforwhenwegotback.Nina
neededherrestnowanyway.Hermotherwasplanningtostaywithusforacoupleofweeks,sowe’d
haveplentyofhelp.

Therewasalightknockatthedoor.Awomanwalkedinwithsomepaperwork.
“Hi,Mr.Green,”shewhispered.“Yourwifefilledintheinformationforthebirthcertificate

earliertoday.Youweren’tinhereatthetime.Shewasn’tsureofexactlyhowyouwantedyouroccupation
listed.Wouldyoumindaddingitinforus?”

“Ofcourse.”IkissedKennedy’sheadasshelaycradledinmyrightarm.“It’sofficial,littlealien.

I’myourDaddyonpaper,too.”

ImovedNina’splasticwaterjugtomakeroomonthesmalltableforthepieceofpaperandtooka

penfromthewoman.

“You’realefty.”Shesmiled.
“Yup.Myson,too.”
Filledwithpride,Ilookeddownatmydaughter’sfirstnameontheform.NinaandIhadn’t

discussedamiddlename.Iwasn’tevensureifweweregoingtogiveKennedyone.So,whenInoticed
thatNinahadfilledthatlinein,ittookmebysurprise.Butwhatreallyshockedmewasthenameshe
chose.She’dtoldmethestory,soIknewitwasn’tacoincidence.Itwasabeautifulsentimentmeantto
giveussomeclosure.Morethanthat,itspokevolumesaboutthekindofpersonmywifewas.Itwasa
biggerlevelofacceptancethanshe’devergiftedmewithbefore.Ittouchedmesodeeplythatthepenwas

shakinginmyhand.

KennedyAriaGreen.

CHAPTER23

NINA

Fourweekslater,ourhousehadturnedintoavirtualzoo.Somehow,inthemidstofthebaby

cominghome,A.J.hadconvincedustogetadog.Weendedupadoptingablackpug.Wecameupwiththe
nameLunabecauseit’stheSpanishwordformoon.

So,wehadanewbornbaby,apugyelpingatallhours,andnowSkylarandMitchwerearriving

foraweekendvisittomeetKennedyforthefirsttime.Theywerebringingtheirentirefamily:threekids
andtheiragingblue-frontedAmazonparrot,Seamus.A.J.hadgottenonthephoneearlierthisweekand
beggedthemtobringthetalkingbirdwhoalwaysprovidedhoursofentertainment.

OnhiswayhomefromvisitingIvy,Jakewasoutstoppingforbeerandwine.So,Iwasalonewith

thekidswhenourfriendsarrived.Thenoisethatemergedfrombehindthedoorwasevidentbeforethe
doorbellevenrang.

IliftedmyselfoffthecouchwithKennedyattachedtomybreastbeforethrowingablanketover

herheadtohidemyself.Lunaracedmetothedoorashertinyscurryingpawsscratchedagainstthe
hardwoodfloors.

Iopenedthedoor.Itwasquiteavisiontobehold:Skylar,Mitch,threekidsandacagedparrot.
“Pickalane,ballbag!”
“Ugh…whatdidthebirdjustsay?”Iasked,steppingoutofthewaytoletthementer.
Skylarsighed.“Sorry.Wehavenowayofcontrollingwhatthingsstickwithhim.Mitchgotalittle

bitofroadrageonI-95,andSeamusjustwon’tletitgo.”

Thebirdsquawked.“Pickalane,ballbag!”
“Well,that’sjustgreatforthekids,”Isaid,sarcastically.
Skylarkissedmeonthecheek.“Welcometoourlives,Sissy.How’syourfieryvagina,bythe

way?”

“Onlyyouwouldaskmesuchaquestionrightoffthebat.It’sactuallyalotbetter.Thanksfor

asking.”

“Letmeather.”SheliftedtheblankettogetapeekofKennedy,whowasstillsucklingonmy

breast.“ShelooksjustlikeJake.”

“Iknow.”
Mitchwasholdingtheirone-year-oldson.“DoyouknowyourWi-Fipassword?Henryneedsthe

internet.”

“Sure.It’swrittendownnexttothecordlessphoneinthekitchen.”
MitchandSkylar’solderson,Henry,hadautismandwasmostlynon-verbal.Hekepttohimself

themajorityofthetimewhilefixatedonelectronicdevices.Henryhadalreadytakenhisspotonthecouch
withhisiPad.

Theirdaughter,Lara,whowasaroundA.J.’sage,wentinsearchofmyson.
A.J.appeared,holdinghistablet.“Hey,Lara.Youwannaplayterrariainmyroom?”
“Sure.”Lara’slongauburnhairswungasshefollowedhimdownthehall.
MitchliftedasippycuptoMitchJr.’smouth.“Ifyoursonisanythinglikehisfather,Ithinkwe’re

gonnahavetoputastoptothehangingoutinA.J.’sroominaboutfivetosevenyears.”

“We’lldealwiththatwhenitcomes.”Ilaughed.

“That’sgross.They’repracticallylikebrotherandsister,”Skylarsaid.
Mitchputhisarmaroundher.“That’snotgonnamattertothemwhentheirhormonesstarttaking

over.Rememberhowwefeltatthatage?Youweresortoflikemysisterbackthen,andIwantedtodo
verybadthingstoyou.”

Iinterjected,“Well,I’mhismother,andIhavetoagree.A.J.isjustlikeJake,andifthat’sthe

case,wecouldbeintrouble.”

Thedoorslammedshut,andJakeappeared.“Didsomeonecallmyname?Trouble?”
“WeweretalkingabouthowsimilaryouandA.J.areandhowtheymightwanttolockLaraupin

aboutsevenyears.”

“Oh,withoutafuckingdoubt,”Jakesaid,takingoffhiscoat.
MitchsatdownwiththebabynexttoHenry.“Ihavetosay,havingadaughtergetsscarierwith

eachyear.”

“Lara’sstartingtogetboobsalready.”Skylarshookherhead.“Itain’tevenfunny.”
JakewalkedoverandkissedmebeforeliftingtheblankettopeekinonKennedy.“Ifthislittle

thingendsupbeinganatomicallyanythinglikehermother,Ibetterstartaguncollection.”

SkylartookMitchJr.fromherhusbandandjoinedthemonthecouch.“Iwasjustsayinghow

Kennedyislikeyourmini-me,Jake.”

“WhatcanIsay?Let’sjusthopeshe’llatleasthaveNina’ssweetpersonality.”
“Pickalane,ballbag!”
Jakewhippedhisheadtotheleftwherethebirdsatinhiscageinthecorneroftheroom.“You

broughtSeamus?”

Laughing,Isaid,“Yes,Itoldthemtobringhim,figuringit’sazooaroundherelatelyanyway.We

mightaswelladdhimtothemix.”

JakesnappedhisfingerandturnedtoMitch.“YouknowwhatIjustbought?”
“What?”
“Thatstufftomakeyourfavoritedrink,Bitch.”
“Whatdrinkisthat?”
“Whatdoyoucallitagain?CryingClimax?”
“WeepingOrgasm.”
“Well,we’remakingitlater.Howaboutabeerfornow?”
Jaketooktwobottlesoutofthepaperbaghe’dbroughtinandhandedonetoMitch.
Mitchtwistedthecapoff,tookaswigandsaid,“So,Jake,you’llhavetotellusthefullstoryof

theelevatorbirth.Ican’tevenimagine.”

“Man,youhaven’tliveduntilyou’vepulledyourchildoutofthewomanyoulovewithaCeline

Dionsongplayinginthebackground.”

Mitchhelduphispalm.“I’mprettysureI’mokaywithforegoingthatriteofpassage.”
Weallgotagoodlaughoutofthatone.Ilookedaroundtheroom.ThedogwasnowlickingJake’s

face.Thebirdwasshoutingobscenitiesfromhiscageinthecorner.SquealsoflaughterfromA.J.and
Laracouldbeheardcomingfromdownthehall.HenrywaslisteningtofrighteningYouTubevideosof
televisionjinglesplayinginslowmotion.Mybestfriend,Skylar,wascancer-free,andwewereholding
themiraclebabiesweboththoughtwe’dneverhave.Thiswaslife.Lifewasgoodandsoprecious.

Thehealthandwell-beingofthepeopleIlovedmostwereallthatreallymattered.Drivenbyour

egos,wespendsomuchtimeworryingaboutthelittlestuffwhilelettingwhat’sreallyimportantpassus
by.

***

Aweekafterourfriends’visit,IwaslyinginbedwhenJake’svoicestreamedthroughthebaby

monitoronmynightstand.HewasintheotherroomchangingKennedy,talkingtoherashealwaysdidand
probablydidn’trealizethateverywordthatcameoutofhismouthwasbeingtransmittedtomeinour
bedroom.

“Don’ttellheraboutourlittlesurprise,okay?”
Whatwashetalkingabout?
“Speakingofsurprises,damngirl!Mommamusthaveknownyouwereduewhenshesentmein

here.Thatwasn’tveryniceofher.HowdoIalwaysgetstuckwiththese?Huh?”

Shemusthavehadamassivedump.Whoops.
“Well,you’reluckyyou’recute.I’mgonnacallPopeye,though,andtellhimmybabyisharboring

someofhisspinachinherdiaper.Calltheauthorities.”

Kennedycooed.
“Yeah…youthinkthat’sfunny?”
Icoveredmymouthinlaughterthenclosedmyeyes,listeningtothesoundsofthediapercrinkling

andJake’ssmoochingher.

“Ow.Youliketopullonmylipring,huh?Iknow.That’syourfavoritethingtodo.”
Moresmooching.
“Allclean.”
Moresmooching.
“Iloveyoutothemoon,littlealien.”
Thesoundofthedoorclosinginherroompromptedmetostraightenupinbedtodeterfrommy

eavesdropping.

Jakewalkedin.Hewasshirtlessandsmelledsogoodafterhisshower.Histannedskinwas

amazinglysmooth.He’drecentlyaddedtwostartattoosontherightsideofhischest.Theyrepresented
eachofourtwochildren,thestarstohismoon.

Jakesighedashejoinedmeunderthecrispsheets.“Itfeelssogoodtobeinbed.”
“Longday?”
“Yeah…workwasaclusterfuck.Butkissingmylittlealiengoodnightandgettingtoendtheday

righthereiswhatgetsmethrough.”

Wewerewaitingsixweeksperthedoctor’ssuggestionbeforehavingsexagain.Westillhadone

weektogo,andIknewthewaitwaskillinghim.EventhoughIfeltreadyphysically,we’ddecidedto
followthedoctor’sorders.

Pressingmyassintohim,Iencouragedhimtospoonme.Exhausted,webothnoddedoffwithin

minutes.

Sometimeinthemiddleofthenight,whatseemedlikeabaddreamwokemeup.Itwasn’tyour

typicalnightmare,though.ItwasanactualrecollectionofthingsIthoughthadbeenerasedfrommy
memory.IcouldsuddenlyclearlyrememberalloftheterrifyingmomentsfromthedayKennedywasborn:
wakingupintheambulance,thefearthatIwasbleedingtodeath,thefearthatI’dneverseeJakeormy
babiesagain.Upuntiltonight,I’dsufferedamnesiawhenitcametotheeventsrightafterthedelivery.I
rememberedthebabycomingoutofmethenJakeatmyhospitalbedsideintears,buteverythingin
betweenhadbeenablur.

Sweatwaspouringoffofme.TherealizationofhowcloseI’dcometopossiblydyinghitme.
Jaketurnedonthelamp.“Nina?”
“Huh?”
“Areyouokay?”
“No.”
“Whathappened?”

“Irememberwakingupintheambulancenow.IthoughtIwasdying.Thethoughtofneverseeing

youagain…youknowwhat’scrazy?Iwasthinkingaboutyoumorethanevenourchildren.Somehow,I
knewthey’dbealrightbecausethey’dhaveyou.ButIdidn’tthinkyou’dbeokaywithoutme.AndIdidn’t
wanttoleavethisEarthwithoutyou.Doesthatmakesense?Iknewyou’dbethereforthembecauseyou
hadtobe,butIdidn’tthinkyou’dreallybeokay.”

Heheldmetight.“You’reright.”
“Thismightsoundstrange,butIfeellikewe’vebeentogetherbeforethislifeandlikewe’llbe

togetheragain.It’sasifwe’re—”

“Trulyconnected.Iknow.WhentheymademestayoutoftheoperatingroomandIhadtowaitnot

knowingwhetheryouwereokay,Icametothatsameconclusion.Ifeltdeaduntilthedoctorcameoutand
toldmeyouwerealive.”

“Thatmusthavebeensoscaryforyou.”
“Trynottothinkaboutthat.Justbewithmenow.Wehavetotrustthatevenwhenourtimehereis

over,thepowersthatledustoeachotherwillbringustogetheragain.Inthemeantime,don’twaste
anothersecondworryingaboutwhatcouldhavehappenedthatday.Okay?”

“Thismoment…that’sallthereeveris.”
“I’mgladyouremembersomeofwhatI’vetaughtyouovertheyears.”
Ireachedovertokisshimonthecheek,butheabruptlyturnedhisfacetowardme.Hismouth

devouredmylipsinaravenouskiss.Mybodymeltedintohis.Ithadbeentoolong.Myhandstartedto
slidedowntohiscrotch.

“Whoa,whoa,whoa.Ithoughtwewerefollowingthedoctor’sorders,”hesaidovermylips.

“I’vebeenverygood,butifyoutouchmelikethat,Ican’tberesponsibleforwhathappensnext.”

“Thisiswhatthedoctororderedtonight.”
“Fuck.It’sbeenfiveweeks.”Heplacedhishandfirmlyonmyassandpulledmeintohim.

“You’renotgonnahearanyargumentfromme.”

“Iknowhowhardforyouthiswaithasbeen.”
“Hardforyou.Yes.Yougotthatshitright.”Hesuckedonmybottomlipbeforeslowlyreleasing

it.“Let’snottalkanymore.”

“Lessfighting,morefucking.See?Irememberthat,too.”
Helaughedashekisseddownmyneckandsaid,“ThatonemightjustbethewisestthingIever

cameupwith.”

Ashestartedtoliftupmynightgown,Isnapped,“Turnthelampoff.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Noway.Iwanttoseeeveryinchofyouwhilewefuck.Yourbodyisamazinglikethis.Youknow

howIfeelaboutit.”Hepalmedmybreasts.“There’sevenmoreofwhatIlove.Iwanttoenjoyit.”

“We’renotdoingitwiththelightson.”
Ignoringme,hesaid,“HowaboutIstart?”
Hegotupandslowlytookhispantsoff,kickingthemaway.Hisbodywasrocksolid,jacked,and

hisskinwasflawless.Jakeonlygotbetterwithage.Meanwhile,Ifeltfat,andknewtheinsecuritywould
stickwithmeuntileveryounceofthebabyweightcameoff.

Hestillhadhisunderwearonwhenhekneeledoverme.“Likewhatyousee?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Keepyoureyesonme,butdon’ttouchme,”hesaidgruffly.
Iwentalongwithit.
Myeyestravelledfromhisstrongjaw,downthelengthofchesttohissix-pack.Athinhappytrail

ofhairformedasexylinedownthemiddleofhisVmuscle.

Hisvoicewaslow.“Whatdoyouwant,Nina?”
“Iwantyoutotaketheseoff.”WhenItuggedonhisunderwear,hegrabbedmyhandandmovedit

offhim.

Givingmeasexysmirk,heslidhistongueacrosshisbottomlip.“Notouching.”
“Okay.”
Thetipofhiscockstuckoutfromthetopofhisboxerbriefs.Hewasfullyhard.
“So,youwantmetotaketheseoff,huh?”
“Yes.”
“Thethingis,youwantedtoshutthelightoff.Then,youwon’tbeabletoseeme,either.Don’tyou

wanttoseeme?”

Mymouthwasagape.“Yes.”
“Iwanttoseeyou,too.Letmeseeyoufirst.”
Ireluctantlyslippedmynightgownovermyheadbutleftmynursingbraon.
“Takeitoff.”
Iunsnappeditfromthefrontandthrewmybraontheground.
“Goodgirl.Now,yourpanties.”
Islidmyboyshortsdownmylegsandtossedthemaside.
Amonthandahalffeltlikeaneternity.Itwasareallylongtimeforustogowithoutcontact.We’d

barelytouchedeachothersincethebabybecauseitwouldhavebeentoomuchofateaseifweweren’t
goingtobeabletohavesex.

“Doyouhaveanyideahowmuchthisbodyturnsmeon,Nina?Lookatme.Lookwhatyou’re

doingtome.”Hiscockstretchedthefittedcottonofhisboxerstocapacity.Awetspotfromhisarousal
dampenedthematerial.

Hewenton,“Whenwefuck,Ineedtofeeleveryinchofthatnakedbodyagainstme.”
Thesneakybastardstillwasn’ttouchingme.Thiswashiswayofgettingmesohotandbothered

thatInolongercaredaboutthewayIlooked,nolongergaveashitaboutanythingbutwhatIneededfrom
him.

Hiseyesweredilatedashelookeddownatmeandbegantojerkhimselfoffhardandslow.This

wasJake’smodusoperandi:denyingmeforfununtilIwaspracticallybegginghimforit.Hegotoffonit
andhonestly,sodidI.Thestimulationofwatchinghimmasturbatetomewasmakingmesowetand
causedmyfullbreaststotingle.Alittlemilkleakedout.Heswipedsomeofitbeforesuckingitslowlyoff
histhumb.

Whatmybodylookedlikewasstartingtomatterlessandless.Clearly,fromthelookonhisface,

hewasveryturnedon.Howhewaslookingatmewasquicklybecomingmoreimportantthanmyhang
upsaboutwhatIlookedlike.

Jakebenthisheadbackinecstasy.Icouldn’ttakewatchinghimpleasuringhimselfanymore.I

grabbedhishandandstoppedhimfromstrokinghiscock.Spreadingmylegsopenwide,Ibegged,
“Please.”

Hismouthspreadintoawrysmileasheloweredhimselfandfinallyenteredme.Lettingouta

throatymoanasheburiedhimselfdeepinside,hefuckedmeslowlyuntilhesawhewasn’thurtingme.
Then,hepickedupthepaceandeventuallyourentanglednakedbodieswererockingthebed.Ourfingers
werelockedaswestaredintoeachother’seyesuntilwecametogether.

Welayawakeforawhile,ourhandsstillintertwined.Iadmiredthetattooonmyringfinger

bearinghisname.Hehadoneofmynameonhisfinger,too.Thepermanentmarkingsweretheperfect
symbolismforwhatwewere:boundforlife.

Hetookmyhandtohismouthandkissedit.“Ilikedwhatyousaidearlier,thatwemighthave

knowneachotherbeforeandthatwe’dbetogetheragainsomeday.”

“Yeah.”Ismiled.“Makesureyoukeepaneyeoutformeinthenextlife,Green.”
“Baby,I’drecognizeyouanywhere.”

***

ThemoonlightglowedontoJake’sfaceashesleptthroughthesoundofKennedy’svoicecoming

inthroughthemonitor.Myhardenedbreaststingledasmilktrickledoutofmynippleswitheverycry.It
wastimeforher4a.m.feeding.

Rubbingmyeyesandyawning,Ireluctantlyliftedmyselfoutofthewarmbedandheadeddown

thehall.

“Shh,sweetie,it’sokay.I’mhere.I’m—”MywordsabruptlystoppedonceInoticedit.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
IcoveredmymouthinsurprisebeforeliftingKennedytomybreast,needinghertostopcryingso

thatIcouldjustmarvelatitinpeaceandquiet.

Just…wow.
Overadozenpinkorigamibatshunginrowsfromamobilehighabovehercrib.Ireachedoutand

lightlytouchedoneofthem.Thepaperthateachhadbeenmadefromwasmuchthickerthanthe
constructionkindheusedtouse.

Whenhadhefoundthetimetodothis?
“So,thiswasthesurprise,huh?”Iwhispereddowntoher,kissingherlittlechestthatsmelledlike

Dreftbabydetergent.

Sittinginthepaddedrocker,Iputmyfeetupontheottomanandjuststaredatthemobileinawe

untilKennedyfinishedfeeding.

WhenIfinallylookedawayfromit,Inoticedaloneblackbatsittingatopthechangingtable.
WithKennedystillinmyarm,Iwalkedovertoitandunfoldedthepaper.

It’sbeenalongtime,
Sinceyou’veheardmerhyme.
ButI’vebeenwatchingyou.
Andallyou’vebeenthrough.
Icamebacktoletyouknow,
You’llforeverbemyhero.

You’vedonegood,kid.

Lovealways,Mr.Bat

MylipscurvedintoawidesmileasIclutchedthebattomychest.IplacedKennedybackinthe

cribandlookedupatthemobile.Noticingforthefirsttimethattherewasaplasticknobatthetop,I
begantowindit.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleStarstartedplayingasthebatsslowlyturnedroundandround.Kennedy’s

wideeyesweretransfixedonthemasshecooed,kickingherlittlelegsandflashingwhatlookedawfully
likeasmile.

Footstepscreptupbehindme.Strongtattooedarmswrappedaroundmytorsoandrockedme

slowlytothemusic.

Completeandutterpeace.
Itmayhavetakenmyentirelife,butIwasfinallylearningtoliveinthemoment.Thisonemay

havebeenthebestofall.

THEEND

FORMORETITLES:

VISITPENELOPEWARD’SAMAZONPAGEHERE:

http://amzn.to/1r8yBJx

OtherStandalonesbyPenelopeWard:

JAKEUNDONE(Jake#1)

MYSKYLAR(MitchandSkylar’sstory)

USATODAYBestseller

GEMINI(AllisonandCedric’sstory)

STEPBROTHERDEAREST

NewYorkTimes,USATodayandWallStreetJournalBestseller

AvailableFall2015:

SINSOFSEVIN

Addhere:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25134262-sins-of-sevin

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Firstandforemost,thankyoutomylovingparentsforcontinuingtobemybiggestfans.
Tomyhusband:Thankyouforyourlove,patienceandhumorandforfinallyseeingthisasmore

thanahobby!YoutakeonalotofextraresponsibilitiessoIcancontinuetowrite.

ToAllison,whobelievedinmefromthebeginning:Youmanifestedallofthis!
Tomybesties,Angela,TarahandSonia:loveyouallsomuch!
ToVi:Iamsohappytohavefoundtheotherhalfofmybrain!Thankyouforyourinvaluable

friendship,supportandchats.

ToJulie:YouarethebestwriterIknowandanevenbetterfriend.
Tomyeditor,Kim:Thankyouforyourundividedattentiontoallofmybooks,chapterbychapter.
Tomyfacebookfangroup,Penelope’sPeepsandtoQueenAmyforrunningtheship:Iadoreyou

all!

ToAussieLisa:We’llalwayshaveGeorge.Youlivewaytoofarfromme.
ToErikaG.:It’sanEthing.
ToLuna:Thankyouforyourpassion,thebeautifulteasersthathelpmotivatemeandforloving

Jake!

ToMiaA.:HowdidIeverwritebeforeIhadyoutosprintandprocrastinatewith?
ToHetty,AmyC.,KimieS.,LindaC.:Thankyouforyoursupportandpimping.
ToAllisonE.:ThesongDemonsisinherebecauseofyou.YourloveofJakehelpedpushmeto

writethisbook.

Toallthebookbloggers/promoterswhohelpandsupportme:YouareTHEreasonformy

success.I’mafraidtolisteveryoneherebecauseIwillundoubtedlyforgetsomeoneunintentionally.You
knowwhoyouareanddonothesitatetocontactmeifIcanreturnthefavor.

ToDonnaofSoluriPublicRelationswhoorganizesmybookblitzes,handlesmyp.r.andisan

overallawesomeperson:Thankyou!

ToLetitiaofRBADesigns:Thankyouforanotherstellarbookcover.
Tomyreaders:NothingmakesmehappierthanknowingI’veprovidedyouwithanescapefrom

thedailystressesoflife.ThatsameescapewaswhyIstartedwriting.Thereisnogreaterjoyinthis
businessthantohearfromyoudirectlyandtoknowthatsomethingIwrotetouchedyouinsomeway.

Lastbutnotleast,tomydaughterandson:Mommylovesyou.Youaremymotivationand

inspiration!

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PenelopeWardisaNewYorkTimes,USATodayandWallStreetJournalBestsellingauthor.
ShegrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothersandspentmostofhertwentiesasatelevision

newsanchor,beforeswitchingtoamorefamily-friendlycareer.
Penelopelivesforreadingbooksinthenewadult/contemporaryromancegenre,coffeeand
hangingoutwithherfriendsandfamilyonweekends.
Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful10-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthe
characterCallieinGemini)andan8-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.
Penelope,herhusbandandkidsresideinRhodeIsland.
SheistheauthorofStepbrotherDearest,whichspentfourconsecutiveweeksontheNewYork
TimesBestsellerList.Otherworksinclude,MySkylar,JakeUndone,JakeUnderstood,Geminiandthe
upcomingSinsofSevindueoutinthefallof2015.

ContactPenelopeat:

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