Into The Darkness: A Hot Australian Bad Boy Romance

IntoTheDarkness

S.L.Finlay

PublishedbyS.L.Finlay,2017.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Similaritiestorealpeople,places,oreventsareentirely

coincidental.Allcharactersportrayedareconsentingadultsovertheageofeighteen.

INTOTHEDARKNESS

Firstedition.November28,2017

WrittenbyS.L.Finlay

Anotefromtheauthoronterms–

ChapterOne

Iwasn’tmuchofadrinkerwhenwe’dworkedtogether.Beingthecrazyworkaholicwho
livedforthejobdidn’tleavetimeforlonghoursatthepubchattingtomates,stolen
momentsinabeergardenafterwork.

Nowthough,Iworkednine-to-fiveinanofficerole.Theforcehadbeenkindtome,
allowingmeanopportunitytoleaveofmyownaccord,ratherthanfiringme,whichthey
hadeveryrighttodo.Ihadgiventheforcealot,andtheygaveitbacktome,evenasI
didn’tfeelIdeservedit.

ThiseveningIwascatchingupforadrinkwithoneoftheguys’whoIoftenworkedwith.
InAustralia,policedon’thaveregularpartnersastheydoonthoseUScopshows,we
workwiththesamepeopleonaregularbasis,butdon’thavejustonepartnerassuch.
AlthoughIcan’tspeakfortherealitiesofbeingacopinothercountriesIknowthatpolice
herearelikeonebigfamily,andyou’realllookingoutforoneanother.

Walkingintothepub,IsawJeromewhohadobviouslyjustgotthereandwasstandingat
thebar,pintinfrontofhim,handingoveracrisporangetwenty.

“Heybrother!”Iapproached,knockinghisarmwithmyfist.Jerometurnedtowardsme,
hisfacecrackingintoafamiliarsmile.Hisfacewasonethatknewsmilesovertheyears,
withstrongsmilelinesandnofrownlines.Thesaltoftheearth,Jeromewrappedhisarms
aroundmeinagiantbearhugandwewereoff,firingquestionsatoneanotherabouthow
wewere,whatwehadbeenupto,everything.

IthadonlybeenjustoveramonthsinceIresigned,andJeromewastalkingtomelikewe
hadn’tseeneachotherforsixmonths.Timeisafunnything,itdidfeellikeithadbeena
longtimesincewehadseeneachotherinperson.

Wemovedoutsideandkepttalking.Theconversationwaselectric,likeithadalways
been.JeromehadbeenoneofmybestfriendswhenIwasontheforce.Despitebeingso
mucholderthanmeandbeingsuchdifferentpeople,wegotalongsowell.Likechalkand
cheese.

Jeromehadbeenmarriedfor100years,oratleastitfeltlikeit.Hewaspainfullyloyalto
hiswife,yet,wasalwaysgivingusyoungersinglemembersoftheforceahardtimeabout
notgoingoutandmeetingpeople,aboutnotdrinkingenough,aboutnotgoingdowntothe
pubtomeetblokes,whoI’dtakehomethatnight.

Thatwasn’tmystyle,pubguys.Butaswesatthere,chattingaboutoldtimes,Jeromewas
inaction.Tellingmeaboutsomeguyswhohadjustcomeouttothebeergardenandwere
lookingatme.

“They’recheckingyouout!”HetoldmeandIlaughed.

ShakingmyheadItoldhim,“Somethingsneverchange!”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Heasked,mockinnocentgrinacrosshisface.

Itriedtofixhimwithmyeyes,butcouldn’t.Iwastoobusysmilingtopullthatmoveoff.

“Just–“Istartedbeforeclearingmythroatandgoingon,“It’sjust,youalwayssaidthisto
theyoungermembers,thatweshouldgoout,getdrunk.Getfucked.Beyoung.”

“Andyouneverlistened.”Jeromeobserved,tutting.

“No,Ineverdid.”Itoldhim,smileacrossmyface,“Ican’tfucklikeaman.”

Jeromechuckled.“Well,youshould.”Hesaidshortly,“Youmightlikeit.”

Myeyesdartedovertotheguysstandinginthebeergardenthen.Theywerewearinghi-
visgear,obviouslytradesmen,ortradiesaswecalltheminAustralia.Ialwayshadasoft
spotfortradies.Actually,forplentyofmenwhootherswoulddismissas‘bogans’.

Bogancultureissomethingdifficulttodescribetopeoplewhoaren’tfromAustralia,andI
hadgrappledwiththeexplanationwhensomefriendsfromtheUKhadvisited,I’dtold
thembogansareacrossbetweena‘chav’anda‘lad’,sometimestheyarelikeAmerican
red-necks,too.Buttheyaresomethingelse.Oftentheyhavejobs(tradies,usually)and
earnafairbitofmoneyinaneconomythatrewardsthosewithhands-onskills,theydrive
carstheylikelyfantasisedaboutaslittleboysplayingwiththeirtrucksandtheiraccents,
theiraccentsareawful.TheiraccentsarewhattheworldimaginesAustralian’saccentsare
like.WhereasmyownissmoothenoughtooftenbemistakenforaBrit,theirsarenasally,
fullofgrit.

Nowoneoftheguyswascheckingmeout,andIwasdoingthesamerightbacktohim.
Heseemedconfidentandsmooth,but,liketherewasabitmoregoingonwithhim.I
couldoverheartheirconversation,andtheboyswerenottalkingaboutsillyboganrubbish,
butweretalkingaboutpolitics.Thisguy,whenhecontributed,actuallyhadsome
interestingstufftosay.

MyattentionwasdividedbetweenJeromeandthehottradie,andJeromecouldtell.
Makingapointtolookattheguy,hepickedupouremptyglasses.

“Nextroundsonme.”Hetoldmebeforestandingandleaningalittlecloser,“Ihaveto
makeaphonecallfirstthough.Youshould.”Hishandmotionedtowardsthetradiesand
hegavemealittlewink.

Almostassoonashewasgone,thetradiewatchedhimgoashismateschattedaround
him.Thetradielookedabitrestlessforamoment,likehewasn’tsureifheshoulddothis,
beforewalkingovertomeandsittingdowninfrontofme.

“Sothisiswherethecoolkidshangout…”Hesaid,hisvoicesmoothasvelvet,thiswasa
routineIwassure.

“Yeah,youcouldsaythat.”Isaid,quietlyassessinghimasIleanedbackabitand
stretchedmybodytoappearrelaxed.

Hissmile,abig,shit-eatinggrin,lituptheroom.Oratleastitfeltthatway,“soisheyour
father?”Heasked.

Ifoughttheurgetoshakemyhead.Thisguywassmooth,whilesimultaneouslynotbeing
smoothatall.Hehadmoves,buttheywerenotmovesatthesametime.Thatreally
endearedhimtome.Youdon’twantsomeonewhoistoosmooth,becausetheyobviously

dothisallthetime.Butyoudon’twantsomeonewhoistooawkwardtofunction,either.

Beingthatwewereboth,I’dsay,inourlatetwenties(well,IknewIwas,andassumed
abouthimatthetime),Iguessedthathehadtohavehadafewgirlfriendsatthisstagein
hislife,butthatheobviouslywasn’tcommittedtothelifeofabachelorenoughtoreally
knowhowtopickupwomen.

Ourconversationwaseasyandlight.Hisfriendsshowedjustenoughattentiontothe
conversationformetorealisethattheywerebeinggoodfriends,curiousashell.Butthat
theywerealsonotusedtoseeingthis,whichgavemesomesolace.

Havingagreatconversationisonething,buthowsomeoneinteractswithyouralready
existingfriendsisanothercompletely.Afterwe’dbeenchattingforawhile,Jeromecame
backtositwithusand,catchingmyeyebeforethetradiecouldseehim,shotmeabig‘go
girl’grin.

WhenJeromeputthepintdowninfrontofme,tradieseemedtocatchonallatonce.He
stoodandofferedhishandtoJerome.

“Heymate,”Hesaid,“I’mJack.”

Jeromeseemedpleasedandshookhishand.“Jerome.We’reoldcolleagues.”

Jacknodded,hiseyesalittlewide.Iwonderedifhedidn’tbelieveJeromeandIwereold
workcolleagues.

Excusinghimselftogetbacktohisownfriends,Jackwalkedovertothem.Iwatchedhim
moveacrossthebeergarden,wonderingwhathelookedlikeoutsideofthoseclothes.I
thoughtImightfindout,afterafewmorepints.

Jeromeresumedhisseatandkeptchattingtome.IkeptlookingovermyshoulderatJack.
Occasionallywewouldcatcheachother’seyesandsmile.

Forseveralhours,JeromeandIwouldgotothebar,takingitinturnstograbpintsand
comebacktositdownwithapintforeachofus.Thesunwasstartingtogodownwhenhe
toldmehehadbestbehome,hiswifewascookinghisfavouritemealtonight,bangersand
mash.Thesimplewayofhim,andhowsuchlittlethingscouldmakehimsohappy,really
pleasedmeaboutJerome.

“I’lljustfinishthis,and-“Iwenttotellhim,thinkingIwouldleaveatthesametimeas
him,buthecutmeoff.

“-There’snorush.”Hesaid,asmileappearinguponhisface.“Besides,there’ssomeone
elsehereyoushouldbetalkingto.”

IhadbeendrinkingfrommypintglasswhenIalmostchokedonmydrink.“Jerome…”I
said,warninghim.

“Yes?”Hisquestionwasinnocentandhewasstanding,“justgoforit,no-onehasto
know.”

Then,withoutafurtherwordhewasgone.

Ilookedoveratthetradies,andsawJacknoticingthatJeromeleft,hiseyeswereon
Jerome’sbackashewalkedaway.Thenoureyesmetandhegavemeaseductivesmile.
NormallyIwouldn’thave,andtherewasstillasmallvoiceinsidemyheadtellingmenot
to,butIcouldn’thelpit.Jeromewasright,ithadbeenalongtimesincemylast
relationship,andbesides,no-onehadtoknow.Ineededtobeyoungsometime.

AsJackwatched,Iraisedmyhand,palmupandmotionedwithmyfingersforhimto
approachme.Jacklookedaroundathisfriends,whoallseemedtooengrossedtonotice
him.Heslippedawayandapproachedme.

“Yes,m’lady?”Heasked,allcharmandsmilesnow.HehadhisliquidcourageonnowI
saw.

Idownedthelastofmydrink,asifitwouldgivemewhatIneededinthatmoment.ThenI
askedhim,“I’mgoinghome,youcoming?”

Jackhadbeenholdingahalf-fullpint,whichhelookedatbeforelookingbackatme,then
liftingthepintglassanddowningithimself.

“Okay,”Hesaid,“Let’sgo.”

Withoutabackwardsglanceathisfriends,Jackwasbehindme,beingledoutofthenow
half-fullpub.

Iledhimtoataxiwhichtookushome,hishandinminethewholetime.

Iwonderedifthiswashowitwas,onenightstands,fornormalpeople.Iftheyfeltthe
nervousrushIwasnowfeeling.Iftheyfeltthatsensethattheyweredoingsomething
incrediblynaughty,butdiditanyway.

Bythetimewewereoutofthecar,hehadalreadytakencharge,leadingmetowardsthe
house.Hishandwasinmine,leadingmetowardsmyhousewhenIdecidedhewasmore
savvythanIgavehimcreditforwithhisawkwardflirting.Thisguyknewwhathewas
doing,andthatwasfine.Oneofushadto.

WeenteredthehouseandbeforeIevenhadmyshoesoff,hewasonme.Hiskisseswere
rushed,hard.Likehewantedmeashehadneverwantedanywomanbefore.

Hishandsdancedovermybodyashestrippedmyclothesoff.Forsomeonewhoseemeda
bitofafishoutofwater,whenhestrippedmebare,itseemedlikesomethinghehadbeen
doingwithmeforyears.Hisexperthandstookoffeverygarmentconfidently,therewas
nofumblingormutteredcursesashetriedandfailedtoremovethings,hejusttook
everythingoff,oneitematatime.Athisownleisure.

IfeltlikeIwasmovingonhistimeframe.Likehewastheoneincontrol.Hewastheone
leadingthedance,andIwasfollowinghiswell-heeledsteps.

Ourdancewasabitofatangoatthestart,inthatIdidn’tknowanyofthemovesandwas
followinghimasheimprovised.Theenergywaselectric,Iwaseatingitup.

HetoldmetoleadhimtomybedroomandIdid.Hewalkedrightinaftermeanddidn’t
bothertoclosethedoor.AlthoughIlivedalone,hedidn’tknowthat.Iwasboughtoutofa

momentofpassionasIsmiledtomyself.Hedidn’tcarewhosaw,hewasgoingtotake
me,andthatwashot!

Iwascompletelynakedbythetimehelaymeonthebed.Ihadn’tmanagedtogetanyof
hisclothesoffasIwassounsureofmyself,andashelayontopofmetokissme,I
slippedhishi-visshirtoffandthrewitinonecorner(knowingitwouldbeeasierforhimif
Iputallofhisclothesinoneplace).Runningmyhandsoverhischest,Iwastakenbythe
wayitfelt.Hishardmusclesunderthattenderskin.

Lettingoutalittlemoanofmyownwhichwasmetbyagrowlfromhisownthroat,I
couldn’thelpit,Icouldn’tholdback.Partofmewasstillthere,notwantingthis.Itwasa
smallerandsmallerpartofmethemorehekissedmybody,butitwasthere,thenashe
growled,thatpartinsidemegaveway.

Itwaslikeadamwallbreakingandthewatergushingoutintotheriver:Iwaspullingat
hispants,tryingtogetthemundone.Icouldhaverippedthemoff,Ineededwhatwas
insideofthemsomuch.Imanagedtopullhiscockoutandfeltitinmyhands.Itwas
huge,andIsmiledtomyself.Iwantedthis.Iwantedthisbigcockinme,Iwantedhim!

Iwasstrokinghimashekissedmewhenheleaneddownandinmyeartoldmeinhusky
tones,“Rougher!Grabmydick!”Ifollowedhiscommandimmediatelyandgrabbedathis
hardcockroughly,“No,rougher!Iwanttoreallyfeelyou!”IdidwhatIwastoldand
grabbedathim,roughlyhandlinghiscock,strokingit.

Untilhishandwastouchingme,Ihadn’trealisedhowwetIwas.Hishandwasrough,in
thebestkindofwayashelazilycircledmyclitwhileIroughlypulledathiscock.Then
hisfingerswerepushinginsidemewiththesameroughness,thesameruggedness.Hewas
rouged,settingoffperfectlyagainstmyownfemininityandsoftness.Beingwithhimlike
thismademefeellikearealwoman,softandsweet.Ihadn’tfeltthisintoolongandwas
savouringitwhenheasked,“canItasteyou?”

Histoneswerequietyetstillguttural.Thatturnedmeon.Inoddedslightly.Ireallywanted
this,butwastooshytoask.IwashappyIdidn’thaveto.Amanwhotookchargeand
gavemewhatIneeded,ratherthanwhatIsaidIwantedwasperfect.Sometimesyoudon’t
wanttoaskforwhatyouneed,youjustwantitgiventoyouwithouthavingtoask.This
guywasgivingmeeverythingIneeded.

Hekissedhiswaydownmybodyandslowlyfoundhiswaytomyachingpussy.Ineeded
him,Ineededtofeelhistongue.Ineededtofeelgood,tofeelohyes.Thatwasthespot.
Heknew.HeknewexactlywhatIneededashelickedme.

Iwantedtocryout,totellhimhowperfecthewasinthatmoment,butknewbetterthanto
expressmyeuphoriainwords.Theywouldfallflat,theywouldn’tberight.Thiswasjusta
one-nightstand,itwasjustafling.Itwasn’tanythingserious.Butashelickedmeand
boughtmesomuchbliss,Iwantedthistoneverend.Iwantedtoplaylikethisforever.

I’msurehewasonlylickingmefortenminutes,butitfeltlikehehadbeenlickingmefor
hourswhenmyorgasmstartedtorearitshead.Atfirstitfeltlikeanextensionofthebliss.
Likehewasjustpushingonemorebuttononhisarsenal,likehewasjustdrivingme

closerinjustthisonemoreway.Butthenitfeltlikesomethingmoreandsomethingmore
untilIwascryingout,thrashingaroundonthebed,moaning.Icouldhardlygetthewords
out.IwantedtotellhimIwascumming,becausemendidn’talwaysknow.Butthenashe
appearednearmyface,supportedbyhishandsoneithersideofmybody,Icouldseein
hiseyethatheknew,andthathelovedit.

AsIcame,hewatchedme,andtouchedmybody.Heranahandovermyskin,leavingme
feelingwonderful,ashistouchburnedwhereithadjustbeen.EvenasIwassubsiding
fromthisorgasmallIcouldthinkwashowmuchIwantedtopleasehim.Iwasovertaken
withthedesire.

Assomeonewhoneverhasonenightstands,thiswastheoddestfeelingthatIwantedto
pleasehimsobadly.ThatIhadsuchastrongdesiretopleaseamanwhoIdidn’teven
knowwasinsane,butstill,Iwantedit.

Lettingmybodycollapseontothemattresspostorgasm,IfeltmyselfasifIwasdrifting.
Jacklaybesidemeandsmiledupattheceiling.Icouldjustseehiswhiteteethbesideme.

“Wasthatgood?”Heasked,asifhedidn’tknow.Oratleast,asifhedidn’twantmeto
knowheknew.Ofcourseheknewitwasgood,hejustwantedtheegostroking.

Ididn’tanswerhimforafewmomentswhileIcaughtmybreath,“Itwasgood.”Itold
him,lettingthesmiletakeovermyface.Whatasmartarse!

Welaughedandcuddledoneanotherforamoment.Icouldsmellthemanonhimandit
wasintoxicating,hisscentdrovemewild.IknewIcouldn’tdomuchrightnowfloating
onmypost-orgasmichazeasIwas,butIcouldn’thelpit,Iwantedtodothingstohim.I
wantedtodonaughty,naughtythingstohim.Iwantedtomakelovetohim,tosuckhim,
likehe’djustlickedme.

Somethingaboutsuckingamanofffeltalittlenaughty,andI’dalwayslikedthatnaughty
feeling.Itwaslikethemostprivate,mostsensitive,dirtiestpartofaman’sbodywasbeing
introducedtothemostpublic,mostacceptablepartofyours.Youkissedyourgrandmother
hellowiththatmouththatyou’djustbeensuckingyourboyfriendoffwith.

Mymouthistender,asisaman’scock.Andsomethingabouttheactalwaysseemedvery
intimatetome,evenasitwasoftenseenas‘lessthan’sex,tome,goingdownonaman
wasalwaysfarmoreintimatethanhavingsexwithone.

AsIregainedsomeofmycomposure,mymindwentthere.Ithoughtofwhatitwouldbe
liketotastehim.IhadplentythatIwantedtosaytohimthough,thatIwantedhimtotell
mewhenhewantedtomoveontosex,thatIdidn’twanthimtocuminmymouththis
time(evenasIthoughtofhowhotitwouldbeifhedid),thatIdidn’twanthimtobesoft
withme,thatIwantedhimtotakecontrol,tofuckmymouth.Iwantedtofeelused,I
wantedtofeelnaughtyanddirtyandtohavethisbeanextensionofthehotsexIknewwe
wouldhavetogether.

Butinstead,IjustsmiledandmanagedtotellhimIwantedtosuckhiscock.Hisreturning
smilewasnaughtyanddevious.Hewantedthat,too.Ofcoursehedid.

IwasplentymoreawkwardthanhehadbeenasIkissedmywaydownhisbody,which

mademegiggle.ThatIcoulddothiswithoutlookinganywherenearasgoodashedid
whenhediditwasfunnytome.

Hisbodywashardundermykisses,hisabsweredistinct.Howtradieshadthetimetohit
upthegymwhentheyhadallthatworktodoconfusedme,butthen,hewasworkinghard
physicallyatwhateverhedidatworkanywayIguessed.

WhenIreachedhisstiffcock,Igotagoodlookatitforthefirsttime.Itwashardashell,
butalsobiggerthanwhatIwasusedto.AlthoughIhadalwayswantedtotryabigguy
(sizequeensmustbegettingexcitedaboutsomething)Iwasn’tsureaboutthisone.Ithad
beenawhileformesinceIhadbeenwithamanafterall,letalonebeingwithamanwhoI
hadjustmet.

ItookhiscockinmyrighthandandstooditupsoIcouldlickthehead.Asmytongue
landedtherehegaveoutlittlemoanswhichmademesmile.Icouldpleasehimtoo.
Maybenotaswellashehadpleasedme,butIcouldstillpleasehim.

Lickinghiscock,Ifeltmyselfgrowingmoreexcited.Iwaslicking,hewasmoaning.
Togetherwewerebothgrowingexcitedbyallofthis.Icouldn’tbelievehowmuchI
wantedtodothis,andhowmuchIwasenjoyingit.Theacttogivingheadwasfun,but
this,thiswassomethingelseentirely.ItwaslikeIwasdrunkonhim,drunkonthewantto
givehimpleasure.

Hemoanedlouderthenasked,“CanIpushyourhead?”Withhishandonthebackofmy
head.

Imovedmymouthsohecouldpushhiscockintothebackofmythroatandnodded.This
wasexactlywhatIneeded,butwastooafraidtoaskfor.HethrustintomymouthandI
moanedaroundhiscock.Icouldn’tgetenough,tryingtotakemoreandmoreofhiscock
intomymouthwitheverydownwardthrust.WhenIwouldcomeupIwouldtakeadeep
breath(oratmuchairasIcould)thenpushmyselfbackdown,withamplehelpfromhim.

Helovedbeingdeep-throated,Icouldtell.ButIknewIcouldn’tquitedothisasmuchasI
wouldliketo,orashardasIwouldliketo.Iwantedtotakehiswholecockinmymouth,
topleasehimmore.MaybetodothatpornstarmovewhereItookhiswholecockdown
mythroatthenstuckmytongueoutandlickedhisballs.I’dlovetobeabletodothat!

Butforthat,Iwouldneedamiracle.Hiscockwasjusttoobigforme.

InsteadItookabreatherandwentbacktolickingthehead,asIhadbeenchokingand
gaggingonhiscockforlongenoughtofeelasifImightloseconsciousness.

Thenhetoldme,“Iwantyoutoridemycock.”

Ilookedupathim.Althoughtheroomwasdarktherewaslightstreaminginthroughmy
opencurtains.Therewasastreetlightpositionedrightoutsidemywindowthathadalways
annoyedmeyetnowithelpedmetoseetheoutlineofhisnaughtysmile.

IwassureIcouldgetusedtothatwickedsmile.

Hepulledmeuptowardshim,andIdidn’tstruggleonebit.Iwantedthisasbadashedid,
ifnotalittlemore.

AsIloweredmyselfontohisstiffcock,Ifeltmyinsidesstretchtoaccommodatehim.His
cockfeltamazingasitfilledmeup,butIneededamomenttoadjust.

Ihadn’thadalotofunprotectedsexbefore,butthiswasarush.Tofeelfullofhim,tofeel
everyinchofhim,tofeellikeIcouldbefilledwiththisstrangerscumatanymomentwas
suchahugeturnon.Iwantedmore,Iwantedharder.

RidinghimharderthanIwouldhavenormallyatthisearlystageinsex,Ifeltanorgasm
building,butitwasbuildinginthesamewaythatfirstorgasmhad,whereeverythingfelt
soamazingthenallatonceIwouldfeeltheorgasmburstforth.

Hishandsonmyhips,Ifuckedhimhard,allthewhilewithhimfuckingmehardright
back.Iwantedtostopmyself,tostopthisfeelingofimmediacy,tostopthisfeelingof
wantingtocumwithhiminsideme.Iwantedtostopmyself,becauseIwantedtoenjoy
himforlongerbeforeithappened,butthaturgewasenough.Thaturgetofuckandbe
fuckedbythismanwasimmense,andIcouldn’tslowdown.Ineededhim.Ineededthis!

BeforeIknewit,Iwascummingalloverhishardcock.Icouldfeelmypussygushing
overhim,ashiscockgrewwetterfrommeallatonce.ItwaslikeareversevolcanoasI
moanedandsquirmedontopofhim.Then,realisingIwasmidorgasmhestoppedmoving
andallowedmetotakethismoment,toenjoythismoment.EvenasIknewhewas
enjoyingitjustasmuchasIwas.EvenasIknewhewaslayingthereunderme,enjoying
everylittlethrust.

Imoaned,hemoaned.Hewaslovingeverysecond.Iwaslovingeverysecond.

AsIcame,Iwonderedifafewofthoselittletwitchesundermewerehimaswell,ifhis
cockwaspulsingwithexcitement,then,asIsloweddown,IrealisedIwasright.Hewas
pulsingwithexcitement.Hewantedmesobadlyinthatmoment,heneededme.Buthe
didn’twanttotakeawayfromthisorgasm.Hedidn’twanttotakeawayfrommypleasure,
evenforhisown.

Thatwas,untilIhadstoppedcumming.

ThenhewaspullingmesoIwouldbeonmyknees,headdown,assintheair.Hemoved
melikethissohecouldfuckmefrombehindwhilestandingnexttothebed.Hefucked
methen,goodandrough.Withoutsayingaword,afingerwetwithhissalivawas
touchingmyasshole.Iwaspost-orgasmicalready,andthisfeelingjustmademewantto
haveanotherorgasm.

Hefuckedmeasherubbedmyasswithahand,beforeasking,“Haveyoueverhadyour
assfucked?”

“Mmm…No.”Itoldhim,“Idon’twanttotrytonight,either.”

“Okay.”Hetoldme,“That’sfine.Isthisokaythough?”

Iwantedtocryoutwithpleasureathisquestion,ofcourseitwasokay!Itwasallokay!
Hehadalreadymademecometwice,andthisfeelingwasmakingmewanttocumagain,
tocumalloverhisstiffcockforasecondtime.ButIheldback.Ididn’tletmyselfcum.I
couldn’t,notyet.

“Yes!”Imoaned,alltooreadily.“Yes,pleasetouchme…”

Partoftheshameofhavingsomeonepenetrateyourasswasrisinginsideofme,which
madethisallthemoretabooandhot.Icouldn’thelpit,Iwantedthis.Iwantedeverybitof
it.Itdrovemeharder,mademefeelyetkeener.

Evenasthisdrovemecloserandclosertomythirdorgasmthisevening,IstillfeltlikeI
wasthere,beingusedbyhim.Likehewastakingmeforhispleasure.Likehewantedme,
neededme,likethiswasenoughtodrivehiminsane.

Thethoughtofhowintothishewas,ofhowintomehewas,drovemeovertheedge.

Iwasmoaning,grindingupagainsthim,tryingtoforcehimtostop,buthedidn’t.He
fuckedmeharderstill,gruntingallthewhile.Hewasclose,Iknewit.Weweregoingto
cumtogether.

Then,hepulledoutofmypussyandorderedmeontomyknees.Iwasstillcumming,my
pussystillgrabbingathiscockevenasitwasn’tthere.Hegrabbedatmyheadandforced
metotaketheheadofhiscockinmymouthashepumpedtheshaftwithhisfist.

Ilookedupathimasheusedmymouth.Thisfeltdegrading,butinthehottestway.Then,
heletoutagroanasheshotthefirstropeofcumintomymouth.Thenthesecond,andthe
third.Hecamehardeachtime,hiscumspillingontomytongue.

Idrankhiscumhungrily,lovingeverysecondofit.Lovingthetaste,thefeelofhimusing
me.ThefeelofbeingsousedbythisguywhoIsoadored.Iwantedit,Iwantedmore.

But,despitegivingmeplentyofcum,hedidn’thavemuchleftformebytheendwhen
myhungerforhiscumwasobviouslyinsatiable.Iwasleftsuckingawayathiscock,
wantingmore,cleaninghiscumofftheheadofhiscockwithmytongue.

Hetookmymouthawayandleaneddowntopullmeuptostandbesidehimbeforekissing
me.Hiskissesweredeepandpassionate,anditfeltlikeanextensionoftheblowjob,like
hewasprobingmewithhistongue.Likemymouthwashistouseinanywayhesawfit.

Atsomepoint,myorgasmhadsubsidedwithoutmyrealisingit(havingbeensofocused
onhisorgasm).WekissedandIlaydownonthebed,feelingthoroughlypleasedwith
myself.

Iwasn’tsurewhathappenednow,butwhenheclimbedintobedaftermeandputhisarms
aroundmeinthatexpertwaywhichboyfriendsnormallydo,Ididn’tcomplain.

Thateveningwetalkedsoftly,atendernessgrowingbetweenus.Wewouldhavesexafew
moretimes,eachtimehotterthanthelast,andbetweeneachtimewewouldintermittently
nap.

Jackleftthenextdayaroundfourpm.IfeltalittlebadasIhadnothingtofeedhiminmy
cupboards,butIdidn’tworrytoomuch.Iknewhewouldbeback,andIknewIneeded
thistimetorecuperateanyway.

Betweenthemomenthewalkedinthedoor,andthemomentheleft,Jackhadspentevery
momentwithmeasidefromtoiletbreakstakenbyeitherofus,andhadfuckedmeor

cuddledmethewholetime.Wehadchattedabouteverythingaswell.

Thisfeltgreat,havingamaninmyhome.Itfeltsoeasyandsopleasurable,havinghim
cuddlemelikehedid.IsighedasIreachedforthephoneanddialledmylocalpizzajoint,
orderingapizzaandthinkingIshouldordertwo,justtobesureIhadenoughtoeatafter
allthatfucking.Ihadworkedhardandwasprettyhungryfromallthesexwe’dhad.

Then,asIwaitedforthepizzatoarrive,Ilookedatmyphoneandconsidereddialling
Jerometotellhimwhathadhappened.Ilaughedanddecidedagainstit.Itwasfarbetterto
letthatbeamysterythantohavemyfriendlaughandgivemeshitaboutmyfirstone
nightstand.

Ihopeitwouldn’tbejustaonenightstandthough,thatsexwe’dhadwasamazing,and
wehadsuchagreatconnection.IguessedIwouldknowwithinaweekortwoifhewas
evercomingback.

ChapterTwo

Itseemedtotakenotimeatallforthis–forus–tobecomearegularthing.Withina
week,hewastextingmethroughoutthedaywhenwewerebothworkingthencallingme
atnighttochatforhoursbeforegrabbingafewhours’sleepanddraggingourselvesoutof
bedthenextdaytodoitalloveragain.

Ialmostcouldn’tbelievehowquicklyitgothotandheavy.WewentfromsexthatI’d
thoughtwasjustaone-night-standatthetime,totalkingallthetimeandformingthis
intenseemotionalintimacy.IenjoyedtheemotionalintimacyasmuchasIknewIhad
enjoyedthesex,perhapsevenalittlemore.AlthoughIdidn’twanttotellmyselfthat.I
didn’twanttoconfesstomyselfjusthowmuchIlikedhimbecausereally,itallfeltalittle
toogoodtobetrue.

Thetimeswesawoneanotherfordates(wewentonactualdatesnow,thatdidn’thavesex
rightafter,hetoldmethiswasbecausehewantedtogettoknowme),hewasoften
insecureaboutifhewasdoingagoodjobandbeingagooddate,askingmeifeverything
wasokay.HewassoconcernedaboutwhatIthought,italmostmademelaugh.

WhenIwouldbeholdingbackchucklesthough,hewouldcatchme.“What?”Hewould
ask.

“Nothing,it’sjust.Idon’tknow,youalwaysseemsoself-conscious.”Iwouldtellhim.

Hewouldlookuncomfortablebeforeinformingme,“It’sjustthatIreallylikeyou,andI
wanttodothisproperly.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iasked.

Heswallowed.“Idon’tdate,Idon’tknowwhatIamdoing.”

Whenwehadthesemoments,whereheshowedmejusthowdifferenthewasfromme,we
wouldoftenstareatoneanother,asifwewereseeingoneanotherforthefirsttime.This
deepeyegazingwouldsometimesmakemefeelalittleodd,soIwouldlookaway.

Therewerethings–plentyofthings–whichIdidn’twanthimtoknowaboutme.Ihad
mysecrets,andIwasn’treadytolethimknowthose.Iwasn’treadyforthatkindof
intimacyyet.

Iwasgladwewereonlydating,andthatweweren’tsleepingtogetherafterthesedates.I
wouldn’twanttofallintoahappyafter-sexcomaandhavemybaddreamscomeback.

Thenightmareswerethehardestpartofleavingtheforce.IfIwasstillacop,Iwouldbe
abletoseeoneofourpsychologistsandtalkaboutthem,nowthoughIcouldseeashrink
ataprivatepracticeandpaythroughthenosetohearabouthowmydreamswerenormal
consideringwhatIhadseen.Iknewthatwouldn’thelp.Itwasn’tthekindofhelpI
needed.

Ididn’twanttohearabouthownormalmyreactionsweretotheextraordinarysituation,I
wantedtohearabouthowIcouldmakethedreamsgoaway.Ididn’twantthem,orneed
them.Ididn’tseewhatpossiblepurposetheycouldserveme.

WhenIhadanightmare,Iwouldwakeupwithastart,asifthethreatwasintheroom
withme.ThenwhenIcalmeddownandmyeyesadjustedtothedarknessintheroom,I
wouldrealiseitwasjustanotherdream,andthatIwasokay.Nothingcouldhurtmenow.

Theguiltthough,asItriedtoforcemyselfbacktosleepwasawful.Iwouldbereplaying
thoseimagesinmymind,ofmeholdingthegunbutunabletopullthetrigger,ofseeing
mycolleaguefall,offeelingparalysedandunabletohelphim.Ofknowinghecouldbe
deadasIletthebadguygetaway.

Thesedreamsthough,theydidn’thappenonthenightsthatJackkeptmeuptalking.When
thathappened,evenasIwastiredthenextday,IwouldfeelbetterbecauseIhadn’twoken
tooneofthosedreams–oneoftheawfulnightmares–beforehavingtogooffintomy
nownormalcivilianlife.

ThatfirstfewweekswithJackwereprettyspecial.Wespentplentyoftimetogether,
holdinghandsandmakingplans.Wewouldgoondates,gazingintooneotherseyesand
talkingaboutallmannerofdeeppersonalstuff.Everythingbutmypast,whichseemedto
hangaroundmelikeashield,somethingthatstoppedmefromgettingtooclose.Orrather,
stoppedhimfromgettingtooclosetome.Icouldn’tstandit,thethoughtofhimgetting
tooclosetomedrovememad.Ididn’twanthimtoseeallofthisdarkness.

Butthen,heseemedtounderstandawholelot,andIfeltlikeIcouldtrusthim.IfeltlikeI
couldgetclosetohim,likewecouldreallybetogether.SometimesIwouldgetcloseto
tellinghim,tolettinghimknowwhoIreallywas,andwhatIreallywasdealingwith.I
wouldgetclosetotellinghimaboutme,aboutwhatIwasdealingwith,tolettinghimin,
thenthetantalizingfeelingwouldgo.

Usuallywhenhesaidsomethingstupid,thefeelingofwantingtobecloseandtellhim
dissipated.Hesaidstupidthingsawholelot.Jack’snot-so-hiddentalentwassayingstupid
thingswithoutthinking.

IwonderedifanyoneinmylifewouldunderstandwhyIwasdatingthisguyfromthe
outside.Atradiewhocouldn’tkeepanysillythoughttohimself,whohadtojusttellother
peopleeverylittlethoughthehad.Whohadtoletyouknowwhathewasthinking.

Whydidhehavetoletmeknowallofthestupidthings?Ididn’twanttoknow.Ijust
wantedhimtobenormal.

WedevelopedourownlittlepatternwherewhenIwouldbegettingclosetohimhewould
saysomethingstupidtopushmeaway,thenIwouldgoaway,thenhewouldpullmeback.
Thisconstantpush-and-pullnotonlyservedtoshowmethatthisguyhadseriousissues
withintimacytoo,buthealsodidn’tneedtoknowmystuff.Hewasn’tready.

Thepush-pullalsoshowedmethattherelationshipwasn’tonewhichIcouldrelyonfor
myemotionalneeds,asmuchasJackwastryinghardtobethereforme,andtobethe
manIneededhimtobe,hejustcouldn’t.Itwasn’tinhim.

Thatwasfine,IthoughtasIpulledbackabitemotionally,hedidn’thavetobemy
boyfriend.HecouldbethebitoffunonthesidewhileIdidalltheboringthingsIhadto
doinmylifelikegoingtoworkandbeinganadult.ThingsIdidn’twanttodo,buthadto

do.

Jackwaslikeabreathoffreshair.Evenashehadajob,anddidalloftheadultthingshe
hadtodo,sometimeshewasstillaboy.

OneeveningafterIhadjustarrivedhomeandwe’dbeenseeingoneanotherforabout
threeweeks,Iheardaloudroarinmygraveldriveway.Wheelswerehittingthegravel
andanengine.Rightaway,Iwasonedge.Iwasalwaysonedgethesedays.

IgotupfromthekitchentablewhereIhadbeensittingdoingsomepaperworkandwalked
aroundtothesideofthehousewhereIsawaman,dressedallinblackwithahelmet
dismountingfromasportsbike.Afteryearsontheforce,Iknewenoughaboutbikesto
knowthisonebysight.Thesebikeswerealwaysgettingpulledoverbypolicebecausethe
riderswouldbedoingtricksonthem.

Themanlookedbigandalittleintimidating.Heturnedasifhecouldfeelmyeyesonhim
throughthelacethatcoveredmywindow,thenturnedawayquickly,asifhedidn’twant
metoknowIhadbeenspotted.Somethinginthismovementunsettledme.Istoodrooted
tothespotandstaredoutthewindow.

Myheartwaspoundinginsidemychestandallmysenseswerealert.Iwasrootedtothe
spotbutmymindwasalreadythreestepsahead.Iwouldrun,rightoutmybackdoorand
jumpseveralfencestogettothestreetbehindmyownthenIwould–

Then,asifunbidden,thatlittlevoiceinthebackofmyheadwokeupandtoldmeitwas
okay,Icouldmovenormally.Thiswasn’tascarysituationthatIimagined,thiswasjusta
motorbikeinmydriveway.Inmydrivewayoutsidemysafehome.Iwassafe.Itwas
okay.

Iletmyselfbreathethen,andcontinuedtalkingmyselfdowninternally.Somethinginthe
wayJack–andIknewitwasJacksomehow–hadmoved,somethinginwhathehadjust
donehadboughtmebacktothatmoment,theonethatIalwaysdreamof,whereIcouldn’t
doanythingandmycolleaguegotshot.Themomentthatchangedhislifeandthe
trajectoryofmyowncareerforever.Ibreathed,Icouldn’tdoanythingelsebutfocuson
mybreath.ThiswaswhattheshrinkhadtoldmetodowhenI’dseenthemafterwhat
happened.TheytoldmeIwouldbedealingwiththisforyearstocome.

Imanagedtobringmyselfawayfromthewindowandsitdown.Ihuggedmykneesonthe
couchandbreathed.ItfeltlikeaneternityuntilJackwasknockingonthedoor,andeven
asIcouldhearhimknocking,Iwasfaraway.

Apartofmybrainwantedtogoandlethimin,togrababeerfromthefridgeanddrink
together,butthentherewasapartofmethatreallydidn’twantthat.Therewasapartof
methatwantedhimtoleave.Thatwantedtostandupandshoutathim.Totellhimthat
whathejustdidwasnotokay,thathewasn’tallowedtoletmefeellikethis,letalonebe
thereasonthatIfeltlikethis.

Iwantedtobesafeandprotected,andhewasn’tlettingmefeelsafeandprotected.Hewas
theinstigatorofthesefeelings.Itwasallhisfault.

Theknockinggotlouder.

Iignoredhim.InmyownheadIblamedhim.Igotmad,thenIgotsad.Iletmybody
movethroughwhatitneededtomovethrough,evenasthatlittlevoiceinsidemyheadtold
meitwouldbefine,thatthiswasn’tarealproblem.ThatIhadthis.IknewIhadthis.

Iwasbreathingheavily,headbetweenmyknees,whenIheardfeetscuffingacrossthe
carpet.IsatupstraightandmyeyesgrewwideasIlookedatJack.

Jackwasstandingthere,inmylivingroom,staringatme.But,howcouldthatbe?The
doorhadbeenlocked.IknewitwaslockedbecauseIneverleftitunlockevenwhenIwas
home.Cophabits.

“Whatareyou-?”Imanaged

Jackshookhisheadthentoldme,“Thedoorwasopen.What’swrong?”

Icouldn’tholdbackthetearsthenasIcried.Themessy,uglycryingofagirlwhohad
beencaughtinthemiddleoftears.Inthemiddleofamoment,perhapsnotthebest
momenttobecaughtinthemiddleofeither.

“I’m–I’m–I’m–“Istruggledtofindthewordsandjustsattherewhilehetookmeinto
hisarmsandheldmethere.Heheldmetightandcloseandcriedandcried.Icouldn’tdo
anythingtostopit,Icouldn’tdoanythingtoexpresswhyIwasdoingitinthefirstplace.
Mytearswerejustflowing.

Thenightmareswereonething,buthavingthesetearscomeoutnowasIsatonmycouch
fullyawake,cryingintoJackasheheldme,unsurehimselfwhyIwascryingwas
somethingelseentirely.

Jackseemedexpertatthisholdingagirlwhileshecriedthing,andheldmecloserthanI
couldhaveimagined.Hesaidalltherightthings,hetoldmewhatIneededtohearfrom
him.HetoldmeIdidn’tneedtotellhimwhatwaswrong,thathewashereforme.Thatit
wasokaytocry,andtoletitallout.ThatIwasn’tweakforfeelingthisway.

Itfeltodd,thatthisawkwardtradieguywhoalwayssaidthewrongthingknewexactly
whattosay.ThatwasuntilIremindedmyselfthatIhadspentsomuchtimetalkingtothis
guyabouthowIfelt,andthatIhadtoldhimsomuchaboutmyself–evenifIhadn’t
directlytoldhimaboutwhathadhappenedwithmyworkasacoporeventhatIhadbeen
acopinthefirstplace–heknewmeenoughtoknowwhatIneedednow,andthatwas
fantastic.

EventhoughIhadlocked-jawwhenitcametotalkingtohimaboutwhatwaswrong,Ifelt
likeIhadachievedsomethinghere.Hisentranceonthebike,theloudnoiseandthe
concealedface,hadbeenenoughformetofeeluncomfortablebutIhadbeenabletopull
myselfoutofthisspiralIwouldsometimesgetintowhenIwasinsimilarsituations(when
myPTSDwas“triggered”).Asanyonewhohashaddéjàvucouldtellyou,youcan’t
reallytellwhyyoufeelthisway,youjustdo.Youjustfeellikeyou’vebeenherebefore.
It’sthesameforwhenyourPTSDistriggered,onlyyoufeeljustasbadasyoudidthe
firsttimeandreallycan’thelpyourself.

PlentyoftherapyandworkonmyselfhadhelpedmeidentifythefeelingsIwouldgetasI
wouldbetriggered,soIknewwhatwasgoingon.

BetweenthetherapyIhadreceivedandJacksomehowknowingwhattodo,Ihadthis.I
wasrecuperatingmuchquickerthanInormallydid.

Jackwenttothekitchenandmadeussometea.Somethingweneverdranktogether,but
somethinghesaidwouldhelp.

Ashepotteredaroundthekitchen,Hetoldme,“Whenwewerekids,mybrotherwould
getweirdsometimes,somymummadeusteatocalmhimdown.”

IshookmyheadatthatcommentandJacklookedmeintheeye,“Ihavenottoldyou
aboutmybrother?”Heasked.

Scanningmybrain,Icouldn’tremember.IthoughtitmightbethePTSDthoughsosimply
shookmyhead.“No,Idon’tthinkyouhave.”Isaidalittleunsure.

“Oh,that’sweird.”Hetoldmehisvoicealittlefaraway,“Ihavementionedmysisters
haven’tI?”

Inodded.Yes,Iknewhehadanoldersisterandayoungersister.Thatmadesense.I
couldn’trememberasinglethingaboutthebrotherthough.Whycouldn’tI?Surelyhe
wouldhavementionedthebrotheratsomestage.

“Okay…”Hestarted,“Anyway,mybrotheristwoyearsyoungerthanIam.”Hetoldme.

“Okay.”Iagreed,“Iamsorry.Idon’trememberanything.”

Jacknoddedbeforelookingmeover.IcouldseeinhiseyesthatIdidn’tlookgood,and
beingkindhesaid,“Itdoesn’tmatter,youdon’tneedtohearaboutit.”

“Whatdoyoumean?No.Tellmeaboutyourbrotherandtea.Iwanttohearit.”Itoldhim.

Jackchuckledwhilelookingatthegroundbetweenus,thendownathisownteacup.
“Well,”Hestarted,blowingonhisteaasiftocoolit,“mybrotherhadaroughchildhood.
Healwaysgotintrouble.Whenheneededtocalmdown,orwhenmumneededtotalkto
himlikeanadultifhe’dbeenbad,shemadehimteaandsatdownwithhim.Iftherewas
tea,therestofusknewtostayaway.”

Iraisedmyeyebrow.“Youknewtosayaway?”Iasked.

“Yeah.”Hetoldme,“Becausetherewastea.”

Theideaofitmademelaugh.MylaughtercamealittleharderthanIknewitnormally
would,asmyfeelingswerealittleexaggeratedrightnowasIwascomingdownafter
feelingtheeffectsofthisweirdtriggering,butthatwasokay.Laughingwasgood,
laughingwaspositive.Ineededtodoit.

“What?”Jackasked.

“So,yourmumwouldboilthekettleandyouguyswouldallmakeyourselfscarce?”I
asked.

Jacknodded,hisfacepassive.“Yep.Wewould.”

“That’ssofunny!”ItoldhimasIlaughedharder.

“What’ssofunnyaboutthat?”Heaskedme.

“It’sjust,”Icouldn’tthinkofwhyitwasfunny,butitwas,“Idon’tknow.Ijustfindit
funny.”

Jackshookhisheadatmethensippedhistea.Isippedsomeofminetooandheaskedme,
“Goodtea?”

“Yes.”Itoldhim,“Idon’tfeelmoreadultbecauseIamdrinkingitthough.”

“Ohgod.”Hesaidbeforerollinghiseyesatme.

Ishookmyheadbeforeasking,“So,what’syourbrother’sname?”

“John.”Hesaidsimply.

“John?YourmothercalledyourbotherJohn?”Iasked.

“Yeah,shedid.What’swrongwiththat?”Heasked.

Iwaslaughingagain.“YourbrotherisJohn,andyou’reJack.Whatwasgoingonthere?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Hewaslookingmoreandmoreconfusedthemorehespoke,butI
couldn’thelpit.Thissituationwaskindofodd,rightfromthefirst.

“Just,theJnames.What’swithalltheJnames?”Iasked.

Jackshookhisheadthenandsmiled,hegotit.AllofhissiblingshadbeengivenJnames.
ItwasalittleoddwhenIthoughtaboutit.Hissmilegrewalittlebeforeheputhismug
downandtookmineoffmetoplacebesidehis.Then,hewaskissingme.Hiskisseswere
soft,tender.Healing.

Iknowsexcan’thealyou,butthis,allofthis,felthealing.SpendingtimewithJack
alwaysfeltgreat,butrightnowashegavemehisbodyitfeltasifhewasdoingitjustfor
me,doingittopleasemeandtocheermeup.Itwasasifheknewifhegavehimselftome
everythingwouldbejustthatlittlebitbetter.Justgoodenoughtogetmethroughwhatever
wasupsettingme,evenashedidn’tknowwhatitwas.Orthatithadbeensomethinghe
haddonewithoutmeaningtoupsetme.

Wemadeloveforhours,everytimehewouldcum,hewouldkeepthingsgoingbyusing
hisfingerstogetmeoff,orbyusinghismouthtokissandlickme,tobringmetoorgasm
afterorgasmafterorgasm.

NeverinmylifehadIhadsexlikethis,sexthatfeltsofulfilling,thatfeltsointimateand
powerful.Whenweweretogether,itwaslikenothingelseintheworldmattered.Itwasas
ifhecoulddisappearintothebedroomwithmeandnothavetoemergeintotherealworld.
Wecouldenjoyeachother,getlostineachother.

Jackhadanopenmindandcouldeasilyfulfilanyofmysexualwantsanddesireswith
verylittleeffortonhispart.Itfeltlikethesortofsexwebothwantedcamenaturallytothe
other,likeweweremadeforoneanothersexually.Welikedthesamethingssexually.
Thingsbetweenusthough,feltalittletoogoodtobetruesometimes.Therelationshipwas
sowonderful,thenthesexwasalsowonderful.

Therelationship,no.Itoldmyself.Weweren’tinarelationship.Thiswasjustwhatitwas,
wewereonlyhavingsexanddating,thatwasit.

Whenwewerebothspentthoughattheend,andwerecuddlingtalkingaboutwhatever
cametoourminds,Ioccurredtometoask,Iknewsomuchabouthissisters(evenasI
hadn’tmetthem)andhismotherandfather,butIdidn’tknowasinglethingabouthis
brother.Hegenuinelyhadn’tmentionedtheguythroughallofthehoursuponhourswe
spenttalkingonthephone.Howhadheneverbeenmentionedbefore?

“HeyJack?”Iasked,myheadrestingonhischest,eyesclosed.

“Heyyeah?”Jacksaid,tiringtobecute.Ishookmyheadalittleandignoredhim,smiling
intohischestjustalittlebit.

“Yourbrother,what’shedoingwithhimselfnow?”Iasked,hopingtoopenupthe
conversationalittle,andgetsomemoreinformationonwhyIhadn’theardaboutthisguy
before.AbrotherwhowascloseinageshouldbeabiggertopicIthought.

Jackclearedhisthroat,thentherewassilence.“Ah…”

“What?”Iasked.

“He’sinprison,sweetheart.”Hetoldme,hisvoicealittletooeven.

IwantedtothrowmyselfupthenanddemandwhyIhadn’tbeentold,thatIhadtodeclare
theseassociationsatwork,butthenremindedmyselfthatIwasn’tacopanymore.Thatit
didn’tmatterwhoIkneworwhotheyknew,thatcriminalswerenotmyproblemanymore.
Iletoutabreathandreleasedthethought.

Icouldn’tshaketheuncomfortablefeelingthatIhadn’tbeentoldthisalreadythough.
Whywasitasecret?

“Oh.Okay.”Isaid,tryingtosoundcalmandnotletonhowalarmedIwastohavethis
newsthrustonmerightaftersex,“So,what’sheinfor?”

Silence.Toomuchsilence.Abeat,twobeats,three.“Idon’tknow.”Jacklied.Icouldhear
thelieinhistone.Jackwasn’talwaysagoodliar.

IproppedmyselfuponmyelbowthensoIcouldlookhimintheeye.“WhatamIgoing
todowiththisinformation,Jack?”

Jackshookhisheadatthat.“Coulddoanything.”

“Don’tplaydumbwithme.”Itoldhim,alittletoomuchaggressionshowinginmyvoice.
Iclearedmythroatalittletotryandhideit.

“Iamnotplayingdumb,Iliterallydon’tknow.”Hetoldme,lyingagain.

Copshaveagoodsenseofwhenthey’rebeingliedto,wehaveto.It’simportantforyouto
assessasituationwellbeforeyougetyourselfinoveryourhead.Iam–orIwas–agood
copafterall,becauseIhavegoodsensesandanabilitytospotthisstufffromamileoff.
Jackthoughfeltguiltyaboutlyingtomesoitwaseasiertospot.Plus,wewereinan
intimaterelationshipandintimatepartnershaveabettersenseforoneanotherwhenit

comestolyingthanstrangersdo.Inmyexperienceanyway.

Iknewhewaslying,butwonderedhowmuchIwantedtopushthis.Whywasitso
importantanyway?

“Doeshehavethesamelastnameasyou?”Iasked,wonderingifIknewthebrother.

Jacknodded.

“Okay.Wasthecrimeviolent?”Iasked.

IttookJackamomenttoolong,butheshookhishead.

So,thecrimemighthavehurtsomeone,oritmighthavebeenacrimethatwasviolent,but
Jackdidn’twantmetoknowaboutit.Istaredathim,hestaredback.Neitherofuswere
goingtostopthisbluff.

Then,Ibrokethestareandlookedaroundmyroom.Theplaceneededaclean,Ineeded
anothershowerandneededtogoout.Iwoulddealwiththisstufflater.Ireallydidn’thave
timenow,Jackwasn’tevensupposedtobehere.Ihadthingstodo.

“I’msorrytokickyouout-“Ibegan,andJackwasstandingbesidethebedbeforeIcould
evenfinishmysentence.

Henodded,andstartedputtinghisclothesbackon.

WhenIshowedhimout,wesharedakissandhewasgone.ThistimeIknewnottowatch
him,Isimplylethimgoandwaitedforthenoisetosubside.

AfterhewasgoneIhadashower,grabbedsomethingtoeatthenasIleftthehouseI
realisedthelockonmydoorwasn’tquiteright.WhenIinspectedit,Isawthatthefront
thatfacedthestreethadbeentamperedwith.Icouldstilllockthedoor,butsomeonehad
pickedthelock.

JackhadpickedmyfrontdoorlockwhenIhadn’tanswered.Hemusthave,IrealisedasI
staredatthebrokenlock.

ChapterThree

Overthenextfewdays,IavoidedJack.IknewIshouldcallthepoliceaboutthis–hell,
howmanyofthesetypecallshadItaken?HowmanywomenhadItakenstatements
from?Thesecomplaintsofharassmentandabusewereveryserious.Iknewwhathedid
waswrong,butIcouldn’tbringmyselftodoanythingaboutit.Icouldn’tbringmyselfto
gotothepolice,oreventoconfronthim.SoIdidnothing.

HowmanymenhadIconfrontedasacop?HowmanypeoplehadIputaway?Howmany
timeshadIrespondedtoadomesticincidentasacop?Goneinthereandsortedshitout.
Now,Icouldn’tbringmyselftopickupthephoneorgointothestationtodoanything
aboutit.

Ontopofmyresistancetodoanything,Ialsowasspendinglonghoursatwork,thenlong
hoursinsidemyhouse.IwasavoidingnotjustJack,butaMelbourneheatwave.

SomethingaboutheatwavesmademefeelveryAustralian.WhenIwasoutdoors,allI
couldhearwascicadas.Walkingdowntothelocalshops,Iwouldwearnothingbutshorts
andasinglettop.Itfeltlikemychildhood,butsomuchworsebecausewhenyou’reakid
youdon’thaveanyresponsibilities,youcanjustrununderthesprinklers,youcanplayin
yourkiddiepool,youcanmuckaboutanddon’thavetoworryaboutbeingatwork,or
beingpresentable.

Iimaginewhattimeawayfromherewouldbelike,ifImovedsomewherethatdidn’thave
thesekindsofheatwaves,thatdidn’thavethiscrazylifestyleofeveryonehidinginsidefor
daystoavoidtheheat.

Thisheatwavepeakedwithdaysatfortydegrees.Ononeofthosedays,Jeromegavemea
call.“Hey,howareyouholdingup?”Heaskedme.

Ilaughed,“WhatdoyoumeanhowamIholdingup?Areyoudoingtheringaroundall
theoldrelatives?Makesurethey’reallalive?”Iasked,mytonesarcastic,butreally
havingmissedspendingtimewithJeromeandalltheboysdownatthestation.

“No.”Jeromesaid,“Idon’thaveanyoldrelatives,onlyyouyoungbastardsgivingmea
hardtime!”

Webothlaughedatthat.MychestwasfilledwiththeloveIalwaysfeltforJerome.Iheld
himdeartomyheart,andwhenIwasawayfromhimIwouldn’tfeelanabsence,but
whenweweretalkingagain,IwouldfeelthatabsencestrongerthanIcouldimagine.

Itwasstrange,too,chattingtohimlikethiswhenIfelttheweightofJackandwhathehad
doneinsideofmychest.

BeforeIhadachancetostopmyselfIwasaskingJerome,“Wanttogrababeertogether?”

“Ofcourse!”Jeromereadilyagreed,“Sameplaceaslasttime?”Heasked.

Ithoughtforamoment,didJacksayhewasaregularthere?DidIwanttoriskrunning
intohim?

“No.”Itoldhim.“Ihaveanotherplace,I’lltextyoutheaddress.”

“Cool.”Hesaid.“Whenareyoufree?”

Ilookedaroundmykitchenasifitwouldhavetheanswersformethentoldhimearnestly,
“I’mfreenow,ifyouwant.”

Jeromechuckleddownthephone.“Inthisheat,youwanttogooutside?”

EveryoneatthestationknewhowmuchIhatedtheheat.Theywereallusedtome
complainingwhenIhadtogooutonpatrol,ortorespondtoacall.Jerome’svoicewhen
hesaidthatthoughwasn’ttheteasingoneIhadbeenusedtofrommycolleagues,butthe
concernedoneofsomeonewhoknewmewellanddidn’twantmetofeeluncomfortable.
Myheartswelledwithloveformyfriendthen.

“OfcourseIdo!”Itoldhimteasing,“Don’tyouwanttogooutinthis?”

“It’sjust–“Hebegan,“Oh,don’tworry.I’llmeetyouinanhour?”

“Noworries.”Isaid,feelingalittlebadfornotheedinghiscarefulwarnings.Yes,Ihadto
gooutinthis.

WehungupthephoneandIwentsearchingforclothesthatcouldwithstandthisheat.I
hadseenonthenews(whicheveryMelbourniansecretlyonlywatchesfortheweather
anyway)thattheheatwaveshouldbreakeitherthiseveningortomorrow.Theythought
thiseveningwithastorm,butno-oneeverknewwithMelbournianweather.Ihadn’t
watchedwhenthiseveningitwouldbreak,butwasprettysurewecouldchilloutinabeer
gardenuntilthestorm.Itwasonlytwopmatthemomentanyway.

3pmrolledaroundandIwasstandingoutsidealessfrequentedlocalpub.Icheckedthe
signagetomakesureitwasthesameoneIhadhurriedlylookeduponlinebeforewalking
throughthebigfrontdoor.InsideIfoundthebarandorderedtwodrinks,knowingJerome
wasalwaysontimeandwouldbealongshortly.

Beforethepintshadevenhitthebarmat,Jeromewaspullingmeintooneofhisbearhugs
andwewerebothlaughingandsayingourexcitedhellos.

Thebarmanroughlyplacedthedrinksdown,spillingtoomuchofthem.Iresistedthe
temptationtorollmyeyesandtellhimtore-fillourpintsandhandedhimmycardwith
someinstructionsbeforeturningbacktoJerome.

Wechattedanimatedlyforawhile,catchinguponallthethingsgoingoninbothourlives.
Aswechatted,wegotsettledintothispubsbeergarden(orrather,it’salfrescoareaonthe
street).

Itwouldbemany,manybeersuntilIfeltcomfortableenoughtoletJeromeknowexactly
whyIhadaskedhimhere.EvenasItoldhim,IfeltashamedthatIwasnowoneofthose
victims.Iwasoneofthevictimsofcrimesthatcopsheartoomuchofandthatsecretly(or
notsosecretly)wehatedealingwithbecausethecrimesaretoomessy.Crimescommitted
byintimatepartnersaredifficulttoprosecuteandevenmoredifficultforvictimsto
distancethemselvesfrom.Iwastellinghimasafriend,butalsoasafriendwhoisafellow
cop.IneededtotalktosomeonewhounderstoodwhoIwasasafriend,butalsosomeone

whocouldgivemethekindofadviceIknewIneededtohear.

“Idon’tknowwhattodo.”IconfessedevenasIknewthatIshouldbedoing,“Ireallylike
thisguy,butwhyishebreakingintomyhouse?”

Jeromeshookhisheadatthat,indisbelief.Hedidn’thaveananswerforme.“Whydidn’t
youreporthim?”Wasallheasked.

Isawthatlookinhiseye,thatlookIhadgivenplentyofdomesticviolencesurvivors
whenIwasontheforce.Immediately,Ifeltmygutschurn.Ididn’twanttobeoneof
thosewomen.Iwasn’toneofthosewomen.Iwasnovictim,andIwasn’tgoingtolethim
getawaywiththinkingofmeasone.Thishadhappenedtome,thiswasn’twhoIwas.

IwasstrugglingagainstmyselfmorethanIwasagainstJerome.Iwasstrugglingagainst
thejudgementsIhadmadeasacop,thatthesesituationswere‘toohard’todealwith,that
thevictimsweretragicandtherewasonlysomuchthatcouldbedonetohelpthem.Ifelt
myhopelessnessonbothsidesasIconsideredtheissue.Thehopelessnessofavictimand
thehopelessnessofknowingthatthesystemcouldn’tfixthisforme.ButthenIreminded
myself–Ihadtokeepremindingmyself–thatthiswasn’tasbadasotherincidentsIhad
dealtwith.Thathehadbrokenintomyhomeandrobbedmeofmysenseofsafetyand
privacybutthathehadn’tbeenhittingme,atleast.

“Heylisten,”Jerometoldme,“Gohomeandcheckhehasn’tstolenanything,thenreport
it.Icantakethereportifyouwant.”

“Noyoucan’t!”IremindedJeromefeelingalittlehystericalatthementionofJack
stealingfrommealthoughIdidn’tthinkIwasshowingit.“Conflictofinterest.Ihaveto
reporttosomeoneIdon’tknow.”

Jerome’sfacewastightasheletoutatensesigh.“Sure.Youdothat.Justreport.”

Thennothingmorewassaidaboutit,theconversationmovedonnaturally–orrather,we
bothletitmoveonbecausewebothfeltuncomfortable–andwegotbacktoourlaughing
andjoking,althoughtherewasatenseundercurrentfortherestofthenight.

Whenwefinishedourlastdrinks(becausethebarhadstoppedserving)Jeromewalkedme
toataxiandasIgotinhesaidhisgoodbyesandremindedme,“Youcheckthehouse,then
youreport.Okayyounglady?”Hisvoicewasdeadlyserious.Somethinginitletmeknow
therewasonlyonewaytohandlethis.Isimplynoddedandlethimclosethetaxi’sdoor.

Thefollowingday,Iwokewiththeworsthandovereverand,checkingthehouse,found
thattherewereafewthingsmissing.Or,thatIcouldseeanyway.

Thatcoolchangethatwassupposedtocomeyesterdayhadn’tcome,theweatherpeople
hadbeenwrong.So,Isufferedintheheat,tryingtodrinkasmuchwaterasIcould
managewhilecheckingthehouse.

Someofmyjewellery(well,allofit)wasgone,somemoneyIhadleftonmybookshelf
wasalsogone.AsIlookedaround,Istartedtorealisethatsomeoneelsehadbeeninmy
house,andIhadn’tevenknownit.TherewasnowayJackcouldhavestolenthisstuff
whenhewasover.Wehadbeentogether(havingsex,kissing,beingintimate)thewhole

time,andIhadn’tlefthimalone.Thiscouldn’thavebeenhim.Iletthethoughtsettle
insidemyownmind:maybesomeoneelsehadbeeninhere.Butwhen?

Isatatmykitchentable,feelingstupidthatIhadn’tnoticedthisbefore.HowhadInot
noticedsomeoneinmyhouse?HowhadIonlynoticedanythinghadbeenstolen?How
hadInotnoticedthedoorbefore?

Isatandletthesethingsfermentinsideofmybrain.Ithoughtaboutwhattheyentailed
andlettheideasbubbleandgoo,asitwere,insideofmyhead.Surelytherewas
somethinghereIhadmissed.Surelytherewasareasonforittoo.Iwastooclosetothings.
Iwastooclosetoallofthistoreallythinkproperly.Iwastooclosetoseewhatwasreally
goingon.IfIhadmissedasecondpersonbreakingintomyhome,andstealingmythings,
thensomethingwasdeeplywronghere.

Asacop,Iwasnothingifnotthorough.Iwasnothingifnotonehundredpercentsureof
whatwasgoingonatanytime.EvenwhenIwalkedintostrangesituations,Ialwaysfelt
likeIhadahandleonthings.Evenastherewasalwayssurprisesbeingacop,Ineverfelt
likeIcouldn’thandlethem,orlikeImissedbigswathesofwhatwasgoingoninanycase.
Iwasalwaysincontrol.Ialwayshadthatsenseofbeingincontroleveninthedangerous
professionIhadworkedin.NowIhadlostthatsenseofcontrolanditfeltsowrong,so
awful.

Iwasagoodcop.HowcouldIhavemissedthisinsidemyownhome?

Allowingmybodytoslumpforward,Iburledmyfaceinmyhandsonthetable.Whatwas
goingonhere?HowhadImissedsomethingsohuge?WasitstillJack?Coulditbe?

Thenmyphonerang.IknewwhoitwouldbewithoutlookingatthecallerID,butI
lookedanyway.ItwasJack.Healwayscalledmeafewtimesaday.Histextmessageshad
beenmorefrenzied,moredisturbedwitheachpassinghour.Thisguyhaditbadforme.I
hadbeenignoringhimsinceIhadfoundmyhomebrokenintoandhadthoughtitwas
him.ShouldIkeepignoringhim?Thethoughtswaminsidemyheadwiththeexcitement
ofbeingabletolethimbackintomylife.

Ididn’tletthethoughttakeholdrightawaythoughasIplacedthephoneface-downsoI
couldn’tseeit,thenstoodup.Iwouldhaveashower,andIwouldgodowntothestation
toreportthebreakinandtheftwhenIwasdone.

Takingalittlelongergettingreadythannormal(takinglongereventhanInormallydid
whenIwashungover),Ifinallyslippedmyhandbagovermyshoulderandheadedoutthe
door.Thefrontdoorwaswooden,coveredbyasecuritydoor.Thesecuritydoorwasthe
onethathadbeenbrokenintoandnow,forthefirsttimesinceitwasbrokeninto,Iwas
treatingitgently.Itwasnowevidence.

Thethoughtofmyownhomebeingpartoftheevidencechainwasbizarre.Thischanging
ofperspectives,whereIwasnowonthewaytothepolicestationtoreportacrimewhere
yesterdayIwassokeentocoveritup,oratleast,toneverhavetothinkaboutit.

PoliceinthatstateofVictorianeverworkattheirlocalpolicestationforamultitudeof
reasons,sowhenIdrovedowntomylocalstation,IcouldbesurethatIcouldreportto

almostanyoneherewithoutaproblem.Noneofthemwouldhaveaconflictofinterest,as
theywerenotmyformercolleagues.Iwasfine.

WhenIwalkedinthough,thefirstpersonIsaw,standingrightbehindthedeskwas
Jerome.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,alittleconfused.

Jerometurnedtowardsme,hisfaceimpartial,untilitbrokeintoasmile.Ireturnedhis
smileandwalkedtowardshim.

“I’mjustrelayingsomeinfo.”Jerometoldme.

WithoutthinkingthroughwhathehadjustsaidIasked,“What?Youhaven’tgota
phone?”

Jeromeshookhisheadslightly.“Wanttocomeoutbackandhaveachat?”

Ilookedaroundtheroomproperlyforthefirsttimenow,therewasafewpeopleinhere
already.Someonewhowasgettingsomedocumentsnotarisedbyafemaleofficer,afamily
waitinginonecornerwithaplasticbagfilledwithclothes,themotherlookingupset.
Someoneinherfamilywasinlock-upIknewasIquicklylookedaway,notwantingto
meethergaze.Ididn’thavetodealwiththisheart-breakingstuffanymore,Iwasoutof
thejob.

Cryingmotherswerealwaystoughformetodealwith,thefeelingofwantingtogetaway
fromthependingdramapushedmetonodtoJerome.“Sure.”Isaid.

Jeromeexitedthroughadooratthebackofthedeskthenquicklyopenedthedoortothe
sideofthedeskmeantforcivilianentrances.Iwalkedthroughthatdoorandcameout
back.

Thereweresomeinterviewroomsoutthere,andIhalfdidn’texpecthimtotakemein
thereconsideringthecircumstances–Iwasanex-copafterall–buthedid.Hetookmein
theinterviewroomandofferedmeadrink,normalprocedure.Beforehehadachanceto
listdrinksItooktheteaoption.Teawasgood,itwouldtakehimabitlongertogetready
thanacokeandgavemeamomenttomyself.

EvenasIknewIwasn’treportingJack,Istillfeltuncomfortablebeinghere,likeIreally
wasbetrayinghim.Ihadtoshakethefeeling,Iwasbeingsilly.

Jeromereturnedandplacedmyteabeforemethensatopposite,hiseyesroundandsad.I
sippedtheteaandstaredathim.Iknewtheimportanceofsilenceinpolicequestioning,
butIdidn’tthinkthatwaswhathewasdoingtomenow.Ihadnothingtoconfess,andthis
wasn’tquestioning.IwasheretoreportacrimewhichIhadbeenthevictimof.AcrimeI
knewIcouldn’treporttoJeromeastheold‘conflictofinterest’cardwasaproblem.

“So,”Hebeganafterafewtoomanybeatsformycomfort,“Youdecidedtoreportthe
break-inthen?”

Inodded,placingmyteadownonthetablecarefully.TheStyrofoamcupstartingtogeta
littletoowarmtoholdanyway.“Yes,Iamheretoreport.”Isaid,thewordsfeelingalittle

unwelcomeastheycameoutofme.Ididn’twanttodothis,andheknewit.Copsalways
knewwhensomeonewasreportingreluctantly,anditwasourjobtogetthemaroundto
thesidewheretheywerehappytoreport,wheretheyfeltheardandliketheywereinthe
rightforreporting.Wedidthissoifweneededthemincourtlater,theywouldappear
withoutaproblem.Wealsodidthisbecausevictimsofcrimeneededtofeelliketheywere
doingtherightthing,andtofeelbelievedandvalidated.Copsweren’tthebadguys,after
all.

Thiswasdifferentthough,talkingtomymateandformercolleague.Ifeltthesinking
suspicionthattherewasmoregoingonhere.Iftherewasn’t,Iwouldjustreporttooneof
theotherbeatcops.Hewasn’tabletotakemystatement,soIwasn’ttotallysurewhyhe
wantedmehere.

Thetensionheldintheairaswestaredatoneanother.Then,Jeromefinallybrokeitby
lookingawaythenbackatmebeforetellingme,“I’mnottakingyourstatementtoday.”

“Ifigured.”Isaidalittletoostubbornly,asIsizedhimup.“Ofcourseyouwerenever
goingto.”

Jeromenoddedatthat,“Iwas,butwe’vehadnewinformation.”

Heleanedforward,butIstayedexactlywhereIwas,sittingupstraightinmyhardplastic
chair.

“Theinformationwehave,isthatyourboyfriendJack–“Hebegan,butIcuthimoff.

“-Heisnotmyboyfriend.”Isaid,alittletooquickly.JeromegavemeasmileIknewtoo
wellthen,itwaslikeasharksmilingatyou.Hewastouchingupagainstthebadcop
routineheusedtopullwhenhequestionedpeople.Iignoredit.Iknewbetterthantobite
orevenacknowledgeit.

“Sure,he’snotyourboyfriend.Theguyyou’refucking,whatever.”Jerometoldme,witha
flickofthewrist,asifhewaspushingthesemanticsofwhatconstitutesaboyfriendaside
justthen.

“WhataboutJack?”Iasked.

Jeromeshookhisheadatme,“Wecan’tfindanythingonhim.Hisrecordsclean.”Hetold
me.

“So?”Iasked,“Thiscouldhavebeenafirstoffence.Besides,Idon’tknowifthiswas
him.”

Jeromehadbeenlookingsomewhereovermyshoulderthen,deepinthought,whenhe
lookedbackatmeatmywords.“What?”Heasked.

“Myhousewasbrokenintoalready,somethingswerestolen.Butthewholetimehewas
there,hewaswithme.Idon’tthinkitwashim.Hewasn’tawayfrommelongenoughto
takeanything.”ItoldJerome.

ThetensionloosenedasJeromesatbackinhischairandstaredatmelongandhard.I
knewhewaslettingtheinformationsitwithhim.Heoftendidthiswhenwefound

somethingbigthatneededtobehandedontodetectives.Hewouldconsiderourevidence
andifitwasworthtellingdetectivesornot.Ofcoursehealwaysdid,hehadto.Buthe
wouldconsidereverypieceofinformationbeforehandingitonnonetheless.Hewould
takehistimewithhiscasesunlesstheyweretimesensitivebecausehewantedtosolve
themhimselfifhecould.

“Yourhousewasbrokenintoalready?”Heasked.

Inodded,“Yes,itwas.”Itoldhim.

“Soyou’retellingmethathedidn’tdoit?”Heaskedme.

Thequestionmademefeeluncomfortable,Isearchedfortherightwords,“Idon’tknow
whodidit.Ijustknowhecan’thavestolenfrommewhenIwasrightthere.”Itoldhim.

“Okay,”Jeromesaidindulgently,“So,you’resayingthatsomeonebrokeintoyourhouse,
stolesomethings,thenlateryourboyfriendcamebyandjustwalkedinadodgydoorthat
hadbeenbrokenintoandhedidn’tevennoticeorsayanything?”

Inoddedslightly.“Maybe.”

Jeromeheavedagiantsighandsatbackinhischairagain.“So,whoisthethiefthen?”He
askedthequestionasifthiswasadetectivenovelormoviewewerediscussing,notmy
ownlifethathadbeenimpactedbycrime.

RollingmyeyesandshakingmyheadItoldhim,“I’mnotacopanymore,Jerome.That’s
yourjob!”

Mywordshadstoppedhiminhistracks,andhe’dnoddedslightlythenbeforetellingme,
“ofcourse.I’msorry.”

“Sotreatitlikeanyothercrime,Jerome!Sendateamaroundtoinvestigate!”Iwasgetting
madnow,andmytonewasdifficulttokeepincheck.IknewIwouldn’tbetreatedlike
thisifIwasn’tanex-cop,andthatJeromewasonlybeingdifficultbecauseIwas.IknewI
deservedbetter,likeanyothercivilian.SoIsatthere,staringathimandhestaredright
backatme.

Jeromenoddedhishead,stoodupandwalkedoutoftheroom.Itwasabouttenminutes
beforeafemalecopappeared.

“Hi.”Shesaid,“I’mAmanda,Jeromesentmetotalktoyou.IsitokayifIsitdown?”

Inodded,andAmandatooktheseatfacingmewhereJeromehadjustbeensitting.I
lookedherover,shewasadetectiveinbusinesscasual.Good,Iwasbeingtakenseriously
now.

AmandaexplainedeverythingtomeasifIwasanyothercivilian.Tellingmeallaboutthe
systemandhowitworked,explainingwhysheneededtotakeastatement,whatwould
happenwithit,thattheywouldsendateamaroundtomyhousetotakeanyevidenceI
had,etc.

InoddedasshetoldmeeverythingasifIwasanynormalcivilian.Ididn’twanttolether
knowIhadbeenacop,andguessedfromherbehaviourthatshedidn’talreadyknow.I

knewlettingherknowthatwouldnothelpme,andbesides,Ikindoflikedthekidglove
treatmentwegavetociviliansratherthanthebullshitI’djustreceivedfromJerome.I
neededsomekidglovesrightnow.

Whenweweredonewiththestatement(ittookwaylongerthanIrememberanyofmy
statementstalking),Amandamadearrangementstocomeoverthatafternoonwithateam
totakeevidence.Inoddedandstoodup,Iwouldhaveachancetogohome,dosome
clearingupofanythingaroundtheplacefromwhenIwasintheforcesotheywouldn’t
knowIhadbeenacoptooandbereadyfortheirforensicsteamrightaway.

Rightontime,anunmarkedcarpullsupinmydriveawayandtwopeoplefromthe
forensicsteamclimbout.Theyintroducethemselvesthenaskiftheycanstartcollecting
evidence.Itellthemthatit’sfineandtheygoabouttheirmarryway,askingmequestions
astheygo.

Withinhalfanhour,JeromeandAmandaaregettingoutofanotherunmarkedcarandare
pullingmeaside.Jerometakestheleadandtellsmehesuspectsheknowswhodidthis,
afterreadingmystatement.

Inmygut,Ihavethestrangestfeelingthatheknewallalong,andthatthiswasallpartof
somegamehewasplaying.PerhapsbecauseIamanex-copreporting,ratherthanjusta
civilian,Iamcaughtbetweenwhatwouldhappenifthishappenedtoacopandwhat
wouldhappenifthishappenedtoacivilian.Ifitwereacop,theywouldtellmeeverything
becauseweallworktogether.Nothingwouldbeleftinthedark.Ifitwereacivilian,they
wouldkeepmeoutofallthemessandonlyaskmeforastatementandmaybetoappearin
courtifIneededtogiveastatementandbequestionedthere,too.

ButhereIwas,intheweirdmiddlegroundandtheydidn’tknowhowtotreatme.Ididn’t
mindtoomuch,asIwantedtoknowmoreofwhatwasgoingonwiththecasethanmost
civiliansfoundout,butIdidn’twanttoappearlikeIwaspushingformoreinformation
thanIdeserved.Ifitwasvolunteeredbyanoldcolleague,however,whowasItoargue?

“So,whowasitthen?”IaskedandJeromeshookhishead.

“Itdoesn’tmatteryet,Ijusthaveahunch.We’llseewhattheseguysfindout.”Hetold
me,pointingathumbtowardstheforensicsguyashedustedmyfrontdoorforfinger
prints.

“Sure,noworries.”Itoldhim,tryingtosoundcalmerthanIfelt.

Therewasplentymoregoingonheremyguttoldme,butIknewbetterthantojumpthe
gun.SoIdidn’t.WejustdiscussedwhatIhadsaidinmystatementandAmandatoldme
shehadn’tknownIhadbeenacop.

“DoIhideitthatwell?”Ijoked,sheshookherhead.

“Youdon’t.”Shetoldme,“ButIdidn’tthinkcop,Ithoughtyoumighthavebeenmilitary
orsomething.”

Inoddedatherwordsandofferedthembothcoffee,whentheysaidnoIlaughedwith
themabouthowweweren’tallowedtoacceptcoffeefromciviliansastheymightpoison

us,orwhatever.Ineverhad,havingabunchofreallygoodexcusesupmysleevefor
wheneveritwasoffered.Jeromemadeamock-guiltyfaceandtoldushehad,butwouldn’t
telluswhen.

“Ijustdidittheonce.”Hetoldus,andIwassurprisedthathehadbrokenprotocoleven
thatonetime.Somethinginhisfacetoldmenottopresstheissue,soIdidn’tevenasI
washellcurious.

“Soareyougoingtocallhimthen?”JeromeaskedmewhenAmandawenttohelponeof
theforensicspeopleinthebedroom.

IlookedaroundustochecktheywerealloutofearshotbeforeItoldhim,“IthinkIhave
to.”

“Well,youdon’thaveto!”JeromesaidinatonethattoldmeIwasbeingalittletoo
dramatic.

Shakingmyheadasiftodislodgethesmilethathadappearedonmyfaceatthethoughtof
gettingintouchwithJackagainItoldhim,“No,Idon’thaveto.Iwantto.”

“That’sbetter!”Hetoldme.

AmandaappearedfromthebedroomthenandstartedwalkingtowardsJerome.They
sharedasmileandJerometurnedtome,“Weshouldgonow.Youletmeknowhowyou
gowithyourfella!”

Inoddedandtheywereoutthedoorinnotimeatall.Shortlyafter,theforensicsteam
weregone.Withafewbagsofevidence,alotofphotosontheircameraandsomefinger
printsliftedfromafewplacesaroundthehome.

Aftertheywereallgone,Isunkdownintomycouchandheavedasighofrelief.Ifthis
wasn’tJack,therewasnoreasonIcouldn’tgivehimacallnow.Iletthatplayoutinmy
headthoughbeforeIpickedupthephone,whatIwouldsay,howIwouldsayit.

Then,Ipickedupthereceiveranddialledhisnumber.Hepickeduponthesecondring
andsoundedsurprisedyethappytohearmyvoice.Ithadbeentendayswithnoword.Ten
hot,stinkingdaysofbeingapartandapparentlyIhadn’tbeentheonlyonetomissthe
other.

Iwantedtocrythen,totellhimhowdisappointedIwaswithmyselfforthinkingitwas
him,butIwasn’treadytotellhimthat,ortotellhimanythingatall.IjustknewIneeded
himandIneededthespacebetweenustoshorten.Ineededtobeclosetohimagain.My
heartheavedwiththeneedtobeclose,tobeintimate,totouchhimandholdhimandtell
himhowmuchImissedhimandhowdeeplyIcaredabouthim.

“Canwemeet?Iwanttotalk.”Itoldhimandheagreedreadily.Iwaspickingupmy
handbagandrunningforthedoor.Iwasgoingtoseehim,weweregoingtomakeup.This
wasover.Thiswholeawfuldramawasoverandweweregoingtoputitbehindus.

ChapterFour

I’darrangedforustomeetinthebeergardenwherehe’dfirstapproachedme.Not
becauseIwasfeelingoverlysentimental,butbecauseonthespot,Icouldn’tthinkof
anywhereelseI’drathermeet,sotherebeergardenIwasawaitinghisarrival.

ArrivingfirstIhadchosentositatthetablewherewe’dfirstmetandlookedupatthesky.
Thetemperaturehaddropped,alongwiththeatmosphericpressure.I’dsayabouthalfan
hourbefore,itwasatleasttendegreeshotter.ThiswasMelbourne,thecitywhereweather
changescouldbesoquick.Livingthroughthecitiescrazyweatherwasweirdly
pleasurabletome.IrealisedIwasjusttryingtodistractmyselffromtheuncomfortable
conversationwhichwascoming,butgenerallythiswashowIfeltabouttheweatherhere.
TherewasnowherequitelikeMelbourne.

Lookingaroundthebeergarden,Icouldseegroupsofmenintwos(threegroupoftwos
even)totheedgesofthebeergardensmokingtheircigarettes.Noneofthemwhere
committedtobeingouthere,andwereallsmokingsotheycouldrushinsideata
moment’snotice.

Waitingforthecloudstoopen,asIwaitedformymantoappear.

Then,asifoncue,Jackwalkedthroughthedoorsandcameoutside.Herushedovertome
and,grabbingmyfaceinhishandsplantedakissonmylipsthatI’llneverforget.Inthat
momentIamsureweweretheonlytwopeoplewhoactuallywantedtobeouthereand
thatmademewanttolaugh,untilIletJack’skisstakemeawayfrommyownthoughts.

We’donlybeenaparttendays,butitwasasifwe’dbeenawayfromoneanotherforyears.
Hewantedtobeclosetomeanditwasatfeverpitch,thatwanting.

WekissedandtouchedoneanotherandbeforeIknewit,Iwasbeingpulledintohim.

“JackI–I’msorry.”IsaidasIwasnestledintohisbody.

“Itdoesn’tmatter,you’rehere.”Hetoldme,asifheneedednoexplanation.Iwas
committedtogivinghimonethough,butfileditawayforlaterdecidingtoenjoythis
moment,itwasreallyawonderfulmomenttobeembracedbyyourloverlikethis.

Heletmegoandlookedmeover,ashestoodclosetome,thenpulledmeintoahug
again.“IthoughtI’dlostyou.”Hetoldme,histonefullofsadness.

Feelingalittleself-consciousnow,Ilookedaroundthecourtyard,thegroupsofmenwere
stillthere,butnonewasinterestedinusandwhatweweredoing.Good.Icouldturnmy
attentiontoJackandnotfeelself-consciousanylonger.

“Youhadn’tlostme.”Itoldhim,“Iwashereallalong.”

Wetalkedalittleaboutwhathadhappenedinthetendayswehadbeenapart,nothingof
consequencewassaidthoughbeforetheheavensopenedupanditstartedtopour.Itwas
asiftheskywassaying,“Idon’tfuckaround,evenifyoudo.”InMelbourne,theweather
isnevermildandkind,it’salwaysextremes:incrediblyhotgiveswaytohardrainasifit
werethemostnaturalthingintheworld.I’dheardfromfriendsoverseasthatourweather

wasweird,butitwaswhatIknew,soitdidn’tfeelweirdtome.JustlikehowJackand
thiswholesituationdidn’tfeelweirdtome.Jackfeltlikehome.Warmandfamiliar,even
aswestoodoutinthecrazyrain.

WestoodintherainforafewmomentstoolongbeforeJackusheredmeintothepub,got
useachapintandwesatinthecornertogether,drinkingandtalking.

Conversationwentonforages,eachofuscatchinguponwhattheotherhadbeendoingin
ourabsence,asiftherewasnothingmoreimportantintheworldthanthemundaneparts
ofourlives.OurliveswereseriouslyboringbuthewaskeentoheareverywordIhadto
say,tohearaboutallofthethingsthatwerehappeningwithme,abouthowmyboring
workhadbeen.Helistenedasiftherewasnothingelsemoreimportantintheworld,andI
smiledalong,tellinghimeverydetail.

Whenwewerefinishedtalkingaboutalltheboringstuff,Itriedtobreakintotellinghim
whyIhadbeenoutoftouchthiswholetime,buthemadeanexcusetogotothebathroom.
Iknewitwasn’tanexcusetogetawayfromme,butitfeltthatway.

Heleft,andwhenhecamebackhehadanotherdrinkformeandaconversationchange.
Wetalkedaboutthepubandhowwe’dfirstmethere.

“Youlookedsobeautifulthatnight.”Hetoldme,holdingmyhandoverthetable,“I
couldn’tstayaway,butdidn’twanttointerrupt…”

Ishookmyheadatthat,“Youdidn’twantJerometotellyoutofuckoff!”Isaid,mytonea
littleharsherthanImeantittobe,inthisweirdlyromanticmomentwewerehavingover
pintswhileswearingatoneanother.

Atmywordshelaughed,“Thattoo…”

“Com’on,thatwastheonlyreasonyoudidn’tapproachearlier!”Itoldhim.

Itwashisturntoshakehisheadatme,“Youdon’tknowthat.”Hesaidashestaredatthe
tablebetweenus,hiseyesunfixed.Hisfacialexpressionchangedforamoment,forlong
enoughformetocatchit.Itwentfromthatgooey‘withmylover’lookhe’dhadsincehe
arrivedtobeingamoreseriouslook,beforehecaughtitandconsciouslychangeditto
blanknessashelookedupatme.

Somethinginhisfacialexpressionsgavemepause,butthenhewastalkingagain,about
howhedidn’tthinkIwouldtalktohimanywayandIwassweptupinhiswords.

“Whywouldn’tItalktoyou?”Iasked.

Hechuckled.“Idon’tknow,it’swhattheboysthought.”

Iraisedaneyebrowathim,“Doyoualwayslistentowhattheboysthink?”Iasked.

Heshookhisheadthenlookedbackdownatthepointonthetablewherehehadbeen
staringbeforeagain,“toomuch,actually.”

Thepublicancameoverthentocollectouremptyglasses.“Twomore?”Heasked.

WebothnoddedandJackreachedforhiswallet,pullingoutacrispfiftyandhandingitto

thepublican.“Andsomethingforyourself.”

Iwantedtorollmyeyesatthisboganbuyingthepublicanadrinkasheturnedbacktome
asifthatwasn’tthesilliestmoveever,butIdidn’t.Iheldbackandchangedthesubject.
“So,areyougoingtoaskmewhyIleft?”

Jack’sfacebrokeintoasmilethen,“IsitbecauseI’mirresistible?”HemovedhisfacesoI
couldseetheside,“it’sthisirresistiblejawline,isn’tit?”HeaskedasIgiggled,“You
wanttotouchit,don’tyou?”Heasked,hisvoiceinsistent.

“No.”Itoldhim,“Idon’twanttotouch–“Buthehadmyhandinhisandwastouching
hisjawlinewithmyfingers.Icouldn’tresistthesmile,asthisridiculoussceneworeon,
withmebeingforcedtotouchhis‘irresistiblejawline’andhimholdinghisfaceina
seriousway.Iwantedtolaugh,itwaseverythingIcoulddonottoburstintogigglesright
then.

“Sure,it’sthejawline,Ileftbecauseofthejawline.”Itoldhim,takingbackmyhandand
makingspaceformypinttobeplacedbeforemebythepublican.

“That’stwopintsforyouandoneforme.”HetoldusashepassedJackbackthechange.

Jacklookedathim,disbelieving,“Where’syours?”

Thepublicanchuckled,“Behindthebar.”

MakingashowoflookingbacktothebarJacktoldhim,“Ican’tseeit…”

Asiftomakeapoint,thepublicanwentbehindthebartopourhisownpint,“it’sinthe
tap,mate,justgettingitout.”HecalledtoJackbeforeholdinguphispintforcheers.We
heldupourownandeveryonelaughedbeforethepublicangotbacktoservingcustomers
andwegotbacktoourconversation.

“WhatwasIsaying?”Iasked.

“Youweresayinghowyouwanttogohomewithme,becauseyoucan’tresistme,the
sexybeastIam.”Jacktoldme,hisfaceacheekygrin.

Ishookmyheadandtriedtoforcethesmileawayfrommyface,“I’msurethat’snotit.”

“Ifeellikeitis.”Jacktoldmewithaseriousfacialexpressionhe’dobviouslykeptjustfor
theoccasion.

“Ican’tbelieveyou!Tryingtohaveaseriousconversationhere.”Itoldhim.

“Ican’tbelieveyou!Tryingtodistractfrommyseductiontechnique.”Hetoldme.

Ilaughedoutloudthen,“Thisisyourseductiontechnique?Ignoretheissuethenforceme
totouchyourface?”

Jackpushedouthisbottomlipandnoddedinawaythattoldmethatwasexactlywhathe
thought.“Yeah,prettymuch.”Hetoldme,“Areyouimplyingthereissomethingwrong
withmyseductiontechnique?”Heasked.

Then,myfingerswerefindingtheirwaytohisjawlineontheirown,tracingit.Myeyes
wereonhisaswesharedasmile.“No,”Isaidinalmostawhisper,“there’snothingwrong

atall.”

Jack’sfacetoldmehehadlostabitofhisbravadoforamomentbeforeIpulledawayand
allowedhimtocollecthimself.Hereacheddownforhismostlyfullpintandmadeashow
ofhowhewasreadytoleave,“Checkplease!”Hesaidtoanimaginarywaitressbefore
givingmethenaughtiestlookhehasevergivenme,alookthatmadememeltandthatlet
meknowtherewasplentymorewherethatcockinesscamefromcoming.Therewasa
reasonwhyhewassococky.

MybreathcaughtinmythroatasIlookeddownatmypint.Ihadhardlytouchedit,and
theliquidwassittingjustbelowtherim.TherewasnowayIcouldfinishthisoffintime
tobegoinghomewithJackintherushhewanted.SoIsippedit,slowly.Makingashow
ofhowslowIwasdrinking.

WhenJackfinishedhisownpint,hereachedoverandgrabbedthepintfrommyhand,
downingitinonethengrabbingmebythehand,“let’sgo!”Hetoldme,ashedraggedme
fromthepub.Hemadeapointofsayinggoodbyetothepublicanonthewayout,whowas
sippingathisownpint,onethatwasonlyhalffullatthisstage.

JackpulledmeinthedirectionofhiscarbeforeIstoppedhim,“wait!Whatareyou
doing?”Iasked.

Jackwhohadbeenastepaheadofmestoppedandturned,“What?”Heasked.

“Whatareyoudoing?Wherearewegoing?”Iasked.

“Ithoughtweweregoingbacktoyourhouse,asalways.Itiscloser,isn’tit?”Heasked
me.

Shakingmyheadatthedumbnessofit,ofinvitinghimbackintomyhomerightnow,after
ithadjustbeenswarmingwithcopsthatafternoonwithoutsayingawordaboutwhathad
happenedandwhywehadbrokenupinthefirstplace.ItriedtostallhimsoIcouldthink
thisover,therewassomuchIhadtosaythatIhadn’thadachancetosayyet.“Should
we?”

Jack’sfrustrationwasobviousasheansweredme,“Ofcourseweshould!”

“But,wehavenotevenspokenaboutwhyIranawayinthefirstplace.”Itoldhimfeeling
alittlesad,“Whyisthat?”

Jackmovedfromthepositionhehadjustbeeninwherehewasdraggingmetobeing
besideme,“Itisimportant.”Hetoldmeasheslippedhisarmsaroundmywaistandheld
meclose.

I’dreadoncethattherewerefivelovelanguages,andthatmyown(Ithink)wouldbe
wordsofaffirmation.IfJackhadone,itwouldbephysicalaffection.Jackwasn’toneto
mincewordswhenhedidn’thaveto.Hewasdefinitelyonetoshowhisfeelingswithhis
bodyhowever.Thatmustbewhyhewassogoodinbed.

Iknewhewasn’tdismissingmyconcernsoffhand,butIwantedtoknowwhyhedidn’t
wanttoknow.Ialsoreallywantedtogohomeandhavesexwithhim.ThenIgazedinto
hiseyes,andthatsealedmyfate.Iwouldgohomewithhim,ofcourse,butIwouldalso

ChapterFive

Thesexwashotternoweventhanthefirsttime.Itwaseasilythebestsexwe’deverhad
together.Weknewoneanother’sbodiesbetterthanwehadthefirsttimewhenwe’dcome
inandithadbeenpassionateandexcitingbecausewe’djustmet.Nowweknewhowto
pleaseoneanotherlikeneverbefore.Itwasalsoemotionallypowerfulbecauseeachofus
hadthoughttherelationshipoverbeforewebothfoundoutitwasn’t.

Jackhadwastednotimepullingmeintomybedroomthenpullingmeontopofhim.We
wereonthebedandmylipswereonhis,hishandswerealloverme,touchingmybodyas
iftoclaimeveryinchforhimself.Myclothingwasinthewayofhisclaim,sohestripped
mewithexperthands.

Iwasworriedhemightripsomethinginhisrushtogetmenaked,butatthesametime,I
wassoexcitedbyeverythinghewasdoing,everythingweweredoingtogether,thatI
hardlywouldhavemindedifherippedmyclothes,somethingIwouldnormallybevery
preciousabout.

Asmyclothescameoff,IcouldfeelJackunderme,hisbodygrowingmoretense,more
excited,untilheseemedtobeabletotakenomoreandmovedmybodysoIwasthen
layingunderneathhim.

Underhim,IcouldnowgethisshirtoffsoIcouldtouchthatchest,thosewell-tonedarms.
Iwasdrinkingeverythingin,evenashewassoexcitedrightnowhealmosttookmeright
there,withhalfhisclothesstillonandbeforewehadenjoyedanyforeplaytogetheratall.

JackknewwhatIlikedthough,andheldoff.HewasgoingtogivemetheforeplayI
needed,evenifitwasn’texactlywhathewantedinthatmoment.

Weweregrindingtogetherthroughourunderwear,mefeelinghisstiffcockthroughlacy
pantiesIwashappyIhadslippedintobeforeIwenttoseehim.Somewhereinthebackof
myhead,IknewIcouldn’tseethisguywithouthavingsexwithhim.Wehadsucha
strongsexualchemistryatthebestoftimes.

Thegrindingwasexcitingusboth,butthelookonJack’sfacetoldmehecouldn’tstand
muchmore.Whenoureyesmet,thatwasthelastnail.Iknewthatwaswhatdiditbecause
amomentlaterhetookmypantiesoff,almostwearingthemsohecouldburyhisfacein
mypussy.Hisfacialexpression(fromwhatIcouldseeofit)changeddramatically.He
wentfromalookofneedtoajoyfuloneashelickedmymostsensitivespotshungrily.

Ilovedtowatchhimlickmemostdays,buttoday,heseemedparticularlyhappytobe
therebetweenmylegs.Hemoanedashekissed,lickedandsuckedme.Hisfacewasone
ofpurejoyandwhenhewouldtakeabreaktokissmewhileheusedhisfingersfora
while,Icouldseehowhappyhewas.Thelookonhisfacewaspurejoyandhesmiled
withhiseyes.Itfeltlikethiswasahugegifttohim,allowinghimtoeatmeout.Notlike
thiswassomethingIwasdyingtohavehappenatall,whichofcourseitwas.Jackgave
greathead.

Itwasn’tlonguntilwhatwerethelittlemoansturnedintogreatcries.Iwentfrom

enjoyingthis(bothenjoyingwatchinghimgoingdownonmeandenjoyingthesensations
hewasgivingme)tofeelingtherushofpleasureasmyorgasmbuilt.Itwaslikehewas
forcingmetoclimbstepswithhistongue,excitingsteps.StepsthatIknewwouldhavea
hugepay-offsoon.

Then,whenIwasclosetothetopofthesteps–andmyvoicewasalmostatcrescendo–
hesloweddown.Frustratedwithhim,myeyeswhichhadbeenclosedfromthepleasureof
itallflewopenandIlookeddownathim.“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”I
demanded,andIcouldseehisfacecrackintoasmilebetweenmylegs.Hehadmy
orgasm,rightthere.Hewasgoingtomakemecumbutthenno,hewasholdingontoit.It
wasn’tforme.Hewasteasingme,thebastard.

Igroanedandclosedmyeyes,“Ohgod,please!Pleasejustletmecum!”Ibegged.

Jackmovedhisheadthen.Hecuppedmypussywithhishandandmoveduptokissme.I
returnedhiskissesreluctantly.Ididn’twanttobeteasednow!Anyothertimebutright
now!Heshouldbebackdownthereeatingme,gettingmeoff.Makingmecum.Whatwas
hedoing?

Hisfingersweretouchingmyclit,butsoftly.Igaspedforbreath.Hisfacewasinfrontof
meashelookeddownatme.Oureyeswereononeanother’s.Inthatmoment,Ifeltlike
hecouldseeme.Asifhecouldreally,reallyseeme.Itwasobvioustoothathewas
lookingforsomething,butIdidn’tknowwhathewaslookingfororIwouldgiveittohim
justtohavethisorgasm,theorgasmthathewasholdingrightaboveme.Itwasrightthere,
Icouldfeelit,Icouldalmosttasteit.

Jack’sfingerswerenowenteringme.Heusedthemtoprobeallofmysensitiveplaces
beforedeliveringlongstrokes.

“Whycan’tIcum?”Idemanded,feelingfrustratedasheplayedmybodyinjusttheright
waytokeepmeontheedgeoforgasm.Iwantedthatorgasm,Iwassoclose.Icouldfeel
theknotinmytummyasmyhipsrosewithhistouch,asmyheadgotfoggier.Howcould
hekeepmehere?Evenasthefeelingofneed,thefeelingofneedingthisorgasmsobadly
Icouldtasteitenvelopedme,Iwasstillfrustrated.Iwasstillonedge.Imoaned,he
lookeddownatme.Heheldthatorgasmbackfromme.Ifeltfrustrated.Iwantedit.I
wantedhim.Ohgod!

“I’llletyoucum.”Hetoldme,“Whenyoutellmethatyouloveme.”

Myeyeswerelockedonhisasmyheartjustaboutbeatoutofmychest.

“Youloveme?”Iasked,almostdisbelieving,butfeelingmyheartswelljustthesame.

Hegaveasmallnodbeforekissingmylips.Thekisswaslonging,andsosoftyetintenseI
swearIcouldhavecumjustfromthat.

HepulledawayfromthekissandwasclosetomyfaceasIdeliveredthewordsIknew
weretrue,thewordsIhadknownweretruethesepasttendaysthatIhadtriedtoignore
butthatboughtmebacktohimjustthesame,“IloveyouJack.”

Jack’svoicecaughtinhisthroatashethrustedwithhisfingersintome,“Iloveyoutoo!”

Hetoldme,then,asifhehadbeendenyinghimselfaswellasme,hewasdowntherelike
ashot,eatingmypussyhungrilylikehehadneverdonebefore.

Theorgasmhegavemewasintense,asifIwasnotwalkingupstepsanymorebutasifI
wasjumpingfromacliffinadesertintoalagoonofthepurest,coolest,mostrefreshing
water.TheorgasmwassomethingIneededandhadneededthiswholetimeasheedged
me,butsomethingthatwassobeautifulandrefreshing.AsIcame,Icouldn’tthinkof
anythingbuthowamazingthisfelttobegivenanorgasmbyJack.TohaveJackgiveme
anorgasm.Jack,themanIloved.Jack,myboyfriend.

Then,aftermyorgasm,whenJackpositionedhimselfaboveme,Icouldn’tthinkof
anythingbuthim.Wegazedintooneanother’seyes,andIcouldn’thelpit,Ikepttelling
himhowtrueitwas,howIreallydidlovehim.

“Iknow.”Hetoldme,“That’swhyyoucameback.”

Hepulledmetohimthen,andasmybodyshudderedinthewayitalwaysdoespost-
orgasm,Ifeltmyselfsinkingintohim.Myheadwasonhisshoulder,in‘myspot’onhis
shoulderwhereIalwaysplacedmyhead.

ItwassometimebeforeIhadenoughcomposuretoaskthequestion,“So,youknewI
wouldcomeback?”

Jackshookhishead.“No.”

“ButyouknewIlovedyou?”Iasked.

“No.”Heanswered,hisshortanswersbeginningtoannoyme.

“Thenwhydidyoumakemesayit?”Iasked.

Jackchuckled,“BecauseIknewyoudid,Ionlywantedtohearit.”

“Thatdoesn’tmakesense,youjustsaidyoudidn’tknow.Nowyou’resayingthatyou
do?”Iasked.

Jacknodded,“Iam.Iknewyoudidbecauseyoucameback.”Hesqueezedmetohimand
Ifeltmyselfmeltingalittlebit.

Wewerebothquietforalongtimethen,drinkingeachotherupbeforeIasked,“Youhave
notaskedwhyIleftyet.Don’tyouwanttoknow?”

ImovedawayfromhisbodyandplacedmyhandonmyheadtopropitupsoIcouldrest
onmyelbowasIlookedJackover.Jack’seyeswereclosedashemadealittlenoiseinhis
throat.Thenoisewasoneofbeingunsure.Asortofmoanbeforeheshookhishead.

“No.”Hetoldme,“Idon’tneedtoknow.”

“Whydon’tyouneedtoknow?”Iaskedperplexed,“Don’tyouwanttoknowwhyIran
awaysowecanpreventitfromeverhappeningagain?”

Hisdisinterestfrustratedme.Howcouldhenotwanttoknowwhythisgirlwhohesaidhe
lovedhadrunaway?Didn’thewanttomakesurethatneverhappenedagain,thatInever
gotanyideainmyheadthatitwouldbeagoodideatoneverspeaktohimagain?Hadn’t

thisallhurthim?

ButbeforeIhadachancetovoiceanymoreofmyconcerns,hislipswereonmine.Iwas
alreadyfeelingalittleheadystill(postorgasm)butthisfeelingofhavinghimkissingme
tooexcitedme,andmademefeelhappyandgooeyallatonce.

“Idon’tneedtoknow.”Hetoldme,“Itdoesn’tmatternow.You’retheonlythingthat
mattersnow.”

Withthat,hislipswereonmineandmyhandswereexploringhisbody.Itwashisturnto
experiencepleasure.Thekindofpleasurehehadjustmademefeel.Itouchedhimallover
andbetweenkissesIaskedhimtostandbesidethebed.

“Why?”Heasked,evenasheknewwhy.

Iclearedmythroat,feelingalittleembarrassedaskingforwhatIwanted,askingforwhat
Iwantedtogivehim.“BecauseIwanttoblowyou.”Itoldhim,myeyesonhis.

Jackchuckledatmyembarrassmentbeforetellingme,“ButIwantitdoitdifferently.”

“Oh?”Iasked,feelingfrustrated,likehewaskeepinghiscockfrommenowthesameway
hehadkeptmyorgasmfromme.Thiswastrulyunfair.

“Yeah.”Hesaidbeforeslippingoutofhisunderwear.“Iwantyoutoliethere,onyour
back.”

Hemovedsohewaspositionedaboveme,andlookingupathim,Itookhiscockinmy
mouth.Allofmyconcernsabouthowwellhehadtakenourbreakupandgettingback
togethermeltedasItastedhispre-cum.Justthetastedrovemealittlewild.Iwantedhim.
Iwantedtotastemore.AsIgreedilylickedupwhatwasthereitstruckmehowlittlethere
wasandhowhardIwasgoingtohavetoworktogetmore.Iwantedmorepre-cum.I
wantedmorethanjustthefewdropsthathadgreetedmeatthebeginning.

Iwasteasingthehead,lookinghimintheeye.Hewaslookingdownatme,obviously
lovingit.Thelookonhisfacewasonebetween‘thelookoflove’mengivethewomanin
theirlivesandalustylookmengivewomentheyjustwanttobang.Themixturewashot,
likethiswasallhewanted.

Hewasthrustingintomymouthinnotime.Ilovedthat,thefrenziedface-fuckactually
reallyturnedmeon,whichwasinpartwhyhedidit.Apassiveblow-jobturnedhimon,
butthenanactiveone,wherehecouldthrustintomyhot,wetmouthturnedhimoneven
more.

Itturnedusbothon.

Ashethrust,itboughtusbothimmensepleasure.Imoanedalloverhiscockandsalivated
yetmore,turningwhathadbeenateasing,slowblowjobatthestartintoafrenzied,
rushedthing.Themorehefuckedmymouth,themorefrenziedhegot,themoreitturned
meon.

Unlikewhenhehadgonedownonmewhereithadbeenatease,thiswasn’tevergoingto
bethat.Iwantedhiscumjustasbadlyashewantedtogiveittome.Iknewhewasgetting

closer,andcloser,untilhestopped.

Hepulledhiscockfrommymouthbeforeorderingme,“Onallfours,ontheendofthe
bed.”

“What?”Idemanded.Iknewhewasclose.IknewIwasgoingtogetamouthfullofcum
atanymoment,thenIwasn’t.Iwasn’tgettingadamnthing.Iwantedthatcum,damnit!I
hadspentagesgivinghimanamazingblowjob,givinghimjustthesortofblowjobhe
lovedreceiving,andthesortofblowjobIlovedgivinghim,thennothing?Whatwasthis?

“Onallfours.”Hetoldmeashestoodbythebed.

Frustrated,yetwantingthistokeepgoing,wantingtopleasehim,wantinghiminsideme,
Inodded.IwasgoingtodowhatIwastold.Igotonallfoursontheedgeofthebed.He
positionedhimselfbehindmeandstartedtothrustintome,slowlyatfirst,givingmehis
wholelength,butslowly,carefully.Hewasincontrol.

Ilovedthisslowsexwithhim.Itwassuchatease,butalsoawonderfulbuild-upforboth
ofus.

I’msurebecauseIhadjustblownhim,Jackwasmoaningrightfromthestart.Hewas
excited,hewasreadyforthis.Heneededthis.Hemoanedandgroaned,andtoldmehow
goodthisfeltforhim,howtightmypussyfelt.HowwetIwas,justforhim.

Whenhetoldmehowtightitwasforhim,Iknewhewastellingthetruth.Evenasithad
beenalittlewhilesincemyorgasm,IwassureIwastighterbecauseofit.Iwasalways
plentymoresensitivepostorgasmthanIwasbeforeIhadhadanorgasm.Ialsosuspected
Iwastighter,too,butthiswasperhapsmyimagination.

OratleastIhadthoughtthatbeforeJackwasmoaningabouthowtightIfelt,abouthow
muchhelovedthis.

Jackwasanassman,andwouldoftengrabmyasswhenhewasfuckingmeinthis
position.Hewouldgrabitsohardsometimes,andspankmyasssohard,thatIwouldfeel
itinsideofmypussyasmypussyclenchedaroundhim.Thefeelingdrovemecrazy,the
spank,orthegrope,followedbyatighteningofmypussyaroundhishardcock.Ifelt
everythingsomuchmorewithJackthanIeverhadwithanyman.

Ashegroped,spankedandmoanedbehindme,Iloweredmyfacetothebedandenjoyed
everymomentofit.Thisfeltamazing,feelingsofull,andhavinghimslowlyteaseus
both,edgingusbothtoorgasm.

Hepulledoutofme,“Getonyourback.”Hetoldme.

Icompliedquickly,andtookhiscockinsidemethen.Ilovedgazingintohiseyes,andthis
feltevenmoreintimatethanitnormallydid.Iwantedhim,Ineededtobeclosetohim.I
neededhimtoknowhowIfeltabouthim.

Wegazedintooneanother’seyesasIputmylegsuponhisshoulderandhereached
betweenmylegs.

Hewasplayingwithmyclitashethrustedintomyhungrycunt.Imoanedloudly.Itwas

likeallmypleasurewasinhishandsagain,justlikewhenhehadeatenmeout.Atthe
sametimeIwantedthispleasurehewasgivingme,Iwantedtogivehimpleasure.I
wantedtopleasehim,tomakehimhappy.Iwantedtobaskintheafter-sex,after-orgasm
glowwithhim,justashewantedtobaskinthatglowwithme.

Iwasgrowingclosertoorgasmnow,webothknewit.Iwantedtoholdoffthough.I
wantedtocumtogether.

Icouldhardlytalk,hardlyformthoughtsletalonewordswithhimtouchingmelikethat,
withhimthrustingintomelikethat,feelingeveryinchofthatbeautifulcock.Imanaged
toaskhimthough,“Areyouclose?”

Jack’sface,whichhadbeenintenseandserious,thefaceofsomeoneconcentratinghard
onhiswoman’spleasure,brokeintoasmile.“Icouldbe,ifyouwantmeto.”

“Ineedyouto.”Itoldhim,“I’msoclose,andI–“

“-Iknowyouareclose.”Hebrokemeoff.Hecouldreadmybodysowell.

“Cumwithme?”Imanagedtobeg,unabletosaymuchelse.

Jackspedupthen,thrustingalltheharderintome.ItfeltthenlikeIhadnothingelseleftin
metostopmyselffromcumming,likeIcouldn’tholdback.Thiswashappening.

Ashethrustedintome,myorgasmexplodedfrominsideme.Imoanedandmypussy
clenchedaroundhiscock.Asmypleasurefellaroundhim,hegroanedandtookit,every
convulsionofmyorgasmwasmetbyamoanoragroanuntilhisownorgasmarrived.

Then,hewascummingintomeasIcameandneitherofusknewwhosebodywaspulsing
orconvulsing.Wewereamessofsex.Amessoflimbsandbodiesgraspingatone
another.Mybodyneededhisandhisneededme.Webothcametogetherandheldone
another,asifwewereonasinkingship.

Whenwefinallycouldbreatheagain,welookedintooneanother’seyesandshareda
smile.

“Thatwasamazing!”Itoldhim,feelinggood,feelingverygoodandverypleasedwith
myself.

“Itwas…”Hemanagedashewrappedhisarmsaroundme,pullingmecloseashestayed
insideme.Thewarmgooeynessofhiscuminsidemewasperfectrightnow.Ididn’twant
himtomove,Ijustwantedtobehereinthismomentwithhim.

Afterawhile,hepulledoutofmeandwemovedintothespooningposition,withmyself
aslittlespoon.Helaybehindmeandheldmetohim.

Therewasn’talottosay,eventhoughthereshouldhavebeen.Isimplyacceptedthathe
didn’twantallthedetailsofwhyIhadbeenavoidinghim,andheacceptedthatIwas
back,andthatIcamebackbecauseIlovedhim.IcamebackbecauseIwantedtobewith
him.

Wedriftedtosleepthatnight,andIsleptlikethedead.Itfeltliketherewasnothingleft
formetoworryaboutintheworldnowIhadhimback.

ChapterSix

Aftermakingup,JackandIgotintoaroutinewhichwasplentymoreintensethanbefore.
Weweretextingoneanotherallday,beforegoingoutintheevenings.Ifwedidn’tgoout
togetherintheeveningforwhateverreason,hewouldcallmerightbeforebedandchatto
measIsettledinforalongsleep.

Itwasnice.Allthedatingandtalkingonthephoneallthetime.Allofthisemotional
intimacywaswonderful.WhenIwasawakehewasthere.WhenIwasasleep,hewould
visitmeinmydreams.OftenIwouldn’trememberthem,butthefeelingofhavinghim
therewasreassuring.

Mostlyreassuring.

Sometimesthough,inthosedreams,Jackwasalittleweird.Iwasn’tsurewhattomakeof
it,buthewouldbedark,orangry,orjustplainmean.Hewentfrombeingmyhappy-go-
lucky,lovingboyfriend,tobeingdarkandfrighteninginmydreamsreallyquickly.One
moment,hewascuddlingmetellingmethathelovedmethenthenexthehadavice-like
griparoundmyribsandrefusedtoletmego,squeezingtheairfrommylungswitha
sadisticsmileonhisface.

Idismissedthenightmares,decidingtheywerebecauseIhadthoughthehadbrokeninto
myhome–somethingitlaterturnedouthadn’thappened–andIwasstillalittlescared.
MymindwascatchingupwithwhathadhappenedandIwasthesadvictimofits
nightmareswhileitdidandwhileIworkedthrougheverythingthathadhappenedorat
leastthatwaswhatIwastellingmyselfanyway.

Meanwhile,betweenalloftheromancewithJack,Igotacallfrommyoldcolleague
JeromeaskingifIwouldliketomeet,‘foracoffee’.Althoughastrangerequest–pubsare
somuchbetter!–IdidagreetomeethimandwenttoalocalcaféonesunnySunday
afternoon.

Walkingintothecafé,Isawhimsittingatthebackandjoinedhim.Wesatdownfora
coffeetogether,orderingfromapassingwaitress.

TheconversationwasstuntedatthebeginninguntilIcuttothechase.

“WhyamIhere?”Iasked,feelinglikethiswasmorethanjustacasualcatch-up.Ifit
were,there’snowayJeromewouldbethiswound-up.

Jerome’seyessearchedthecafé,asifhewascheckingtoseeno-onenearbywaslistening
inbeforeturningtome.Heaskedme,“CanIstilltrustyou?”

Ibristledathiswords,“Whatdoyoumean,‘canyoustilltrustme’?HaveIdone
somethingtomakeyoubelieveyoucan’ttrustme?”

Jeromegavealittlehuffandrolledhiseyesatmycomment.“Yes.Youhave.”

“Andwhat’sthat?”Ichallenged,feelingindignantnow.

“Don’tdothat.”Hetoldme,“Ihavemyreasons.”

“Suchas?”Iasked,wantingittocomeoutademand,buthavingmywordssoundas
offendedasIfelt.Howcouldhethinkhecouldn’ttrustme?Afterallmyyearsonthe
force,ourlivesrestinginoneanother’shandssomanytimes?

InanswerJeromejustshookhishead.Withoutlookingatmeheanswered,“Thisguy
you’redating,he’snogood.”

“Why?”Iwantedtoknow.

JustasmyvoicewasgettingweakerandweakerandIfeltthatIneededanswerstomy
pleadingquestions,thewaitressreappearedwithourcoffees,andaskedustopayright
away.Webothfishedforchangeforthecoffeesandmanagedtoproduceenoughtopay
thebillandhavethewaitresswonderoff.Thishadinevitablygivenusbothtimetocalm
down.Oratleasthadgivenmeachancetocentremyself.

Iclearedmythroatbeforeaskinghim,“What’sallofthisabout?”

Jeromelookedalittleput-uponasheansweredme,“It’snothing.It’sjust,well,thisguy
you’reseeing…”

“Whatabouthim?”Iintoned.

Jeromeshookhishead,asiftodislodgesomethingstuckinsidethere.“It’snothing.”He
saidbeforemeetingmyeyeandseeingthatIwouldneedmorethanthat,“It’sjust,he’snot
whohesaysheis,andI’mnotsureyoudon’tknowthat.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iasked,confused.

“Youdon’tknowwhohereallyis?”Jeromeasked,“Youdon’thaveaclue?Itwasahigh-
profilecaseandnowyou’redatinghim.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iaskedagain,feelingIwasrepeatingmyselfalittlemuch
andfrustratedbythatfact.

Jerome’seyessearchedthecaféagain.Iwonderedwhathewaslookingfor,butwouldn’t
askthequestion.Therewasplentymorepressingmattersformetoworryaboutrightnow.

“Youdon’tknowhehasanothername?”Jeromeasked.

Thiscommentjustannoyedme,ofcourseIdidn’tknowhehadanothername.Ididn’t
knowwhatcaseJeromewashintingat,either.Ifhe’dfoundsomething,heneededtotell
me.Iwasn’theretoplaygamesandwasquicklylosingpatiencewiththewholething.

Ifeltmyjawset,andwhenmyeyesmetJerome,Isawahardlookmirroredthere.He
wasn’tgoingtoanswermyquestion.Isighed,lettingtheaircomeoutallinahuff.“I
don’tknowanything,Jerome.Doyouwanttotellmewhat’supnow?”

IknewJerome.Iknewhecouldn’tkeepshittohimselfformuchlonger,notfrom
someonehetrusted.Despitewhateverhetoldme,hestilltrustedme.Iknewitinmy
heart.Ihadgivenhimnoreasonwhenwewerebothontheforcetonottrustme,andI
wasgivinghimnonenow.

Ofcourse,hecaved.“Ihavesomeinformationonyourboyfriend.”Hetoldme.

“He’snotmyboyfriend.”IcorrectedJerome,“Butgoon.”

“He’sbeeninvolvedinsomecriminalactivity,butunderadifferentname.”Jerometold
me.Iwasgladhehadgivenittomestraight,becausethere’snootherwaymybraincould
takethisinformationanyotherwayrightnow.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iasked,myheadreeling.

“ImeanwhatIsay.”Hetoldme,“Jackisn’treallyJack.HisnameisJohn.Hegaveyoua
fakename.”

“Butwhy?”Iasked,“Whywouldhedothat?”Thebetrayalfeltreal,andunbelievable.I
couldn’tunderstandwhyhewoulddothattome.Whywouldhelie?

Theanswercameswiftly,obviouslyJeromehadbeenthinkingaboutthisalot.“Heknew
youwereacop.”Hetoldmesimply.

“Howcouldheknow?I’venevertoldhim.”Isaid,searchingmyownbrainforatime
whenImighthavesaidsomething,whenImighthaveletsomethingslip.ThatIdidn’t
haveagreatexittotheforcemeantIdidn’toftentalkaboutittoanyone.Itwas
embarrassingandI’drathernottalkaboutthetimeIserved,overadmittingtohowI
failed.Thatfailurestillhurt,andhurtenoughthatIwouldratherdoanythingthanthink
aboutit.

ThesilencebetweenJeromeandIstretchedforsometimeasIcastaroundmybrain,
searchingforsomething,alittleglimpseofatimeImighthavesaidsomething.Butthere
wasnothingthere.Icouldn’tthinkofadamnthing.Jeromejustsatthere,sippinghis
coffeewhileIsearchedmymindforsomethingandcameupblank.

“Youdidn’tsayanything?”Jeromeasked.

“No,never.Ican’tthinkofasinglecommentI’vemadethewholetimeIhaveknown
him.”ItoldJerome.

“Doyouwantlongertothinkaboutit?”Heasked.

AsaresultofthatquestionIkeptsearchingmybrain,tryingtorememberanything,but
nothingcameup.IsimplyshookmyheadatJerome.IwassureIhadn’tsaidanything.I
mightonlybeanex-cop,butIstillalwayswatchedmymouth(atleastmorethana
civilianwould).Wespentcountlesshourstexting,calling,ondates,allofit.ButIstillhad
nothing.Istillcouldn’ttellhimofasingletimeItalkedaboutmyoldwork.Irarelyeven
talkedaboutmynewwork.

“No.”Ifinallysaid,myvoicesure.“No,Idon’twantmoretimetothinkaboutit.I’ve
nevermentionedmyworktohim.”

“Perhapstherewassomeotherwayhecouldknow?”Jeromeasked.

Iletoutaharshlaughathiscomment,“Jerome,it’sobviouswhatweare,evenwhen
we’reoffduty.Wedon’tbehavelikeciviliansbehave.”Ithoughtforamomentbefore
tellinghim,“Besides,youwerewithmewhenwefirstmet,andyou’rethecoppiestcopI
know.”

“coppiestcop?”Heaskedbeforeshakinghisheadallsternlooks,notevenbuyingintothe
jokethelittlestbit.“NoI’mnot.”

Heavingagiant,over-dramaticsighItoldhim,“Sureyouare.Evenchildrenknowyou’re
acopwhenyou’redownthebeach.”

Jeromechuckledatthis.Nodoubtrememberinglastsummerwhenhewasatthebeach
withhiswifewearingnothingbutboardshortsandalittlegirlapproachedhim,addressing
himasofficer,andaskedhimforhelpfindingherparents.Theyweren’tfaraway,and
werealreadylookingforthegirl,butthatsheknewhewasacopevenwithoutauniform
madehimlaugh.Hehadsharedthisstorywitheveryoneatthestationmultipletimes.

“Sure.”Hesaid,“Ifakidcanseeit,socanyourboyfriend.”

“He’snotmyboyfriend!”Iprotested.Ihatedbeingtoldwhatmyrelationshipwasevenas
Iwastellingeveryoneitwasonethingandtheyweredecidingitwasanother.

“Sure,whatever.”Jeromesaid,“But,heisacriminal.Youcannotdisputethatafterhehas
beenconvicted.”

Icrossedmyarmsathiscomments,itwasn’tlikeacop–evenanex-cop–tobelieve
someone’swordswithoutevidencetobackthemup.“Ihaven’tseenanyproofofthat.”I
toldhim,crossingmyarms.

Jeromeclearedhisthroatashereachedbesidehim,intoablackcomputerbaghehad
boughtinwithhimwhichsatathisfeet.Hedidanothersearchofthecafé,buttherewere
evenfewerpeopleherethanbefore,andnoneweresittingnearourtable.

Movingouremptycoffeemugstooneside,Jeromeplacedamanilafolderbetweenus.He
justputitthereandsaidnothing.Iwaitedforamomentforhimtoopenit,butthenlost
patienceandreachedandopeneditmyself.Iwasgoingtolookthroughitweatherhegave
mepermissiontoornot,ifitwasaboutJack.

IopenedthefolderandthefirstthingIsawwasapolicereport–awitnessstatement–
thentherewasabunchofCCTVphotos,andanotherreport,thenanotherone.Thefolder
wasfullofstatements,stillsfromCCTVandvarioustitbitsthatmostcrimefoldershave
inside.Thefolderdidn’thaveeverythingthatpolicewouldcollectforeverycrime,butit
hadbitsandpiecesfromvariouscrimes.

“Whatisallofthis?”Iaskedredundantly.

“It’sJohn’scriminalpast.Hewasinthejuvenilesystembeforetheadult–weseethese
guysallthetime.”Hetoldme.Iknewwedid,oratleastIhad.ButIwasn’texpectingto
bedatingoneofthemandnotknow.HowhadInotspottedthesigns?

Mostofhiscrimes,Jerometoldme,werepropertycrimes.Therewereanumberofviolent
crimes–assaults–whichhecommittedlater,butmostlyitappearedtobeaboutmoney.
WhenIreflectedonwhatJack(Iwasn’treadytoconcedethathehadliedtomeabouthis
age)hadtoldme,Irememberedhowpoorhe’dsaidhewaswhenhegrewup,whichmade
sensewhyhewouldbesomoneyhungry.ButthenIwonderedtoo,ifperhapshehadbeen
intodrugs.

Asiftoanswermyunaskedquestion,Jerometoldme,“Hewasinvolvedwithbikey
gangs.”

InoddedasIsiftedthroughthephotocopiedpapers.“CanIkeepthese?Ineedtoread
everything.”

Jeromenodded,alittlereluctant.

“Iwon’tlethimsee.”ItoldJerome.

“No,that’snotit.”Jerometoldme.

“Whatisitthen?”Iasked.

“I’mnotworriedaboutwhathesees.I’mjustunsurehowI’mgoingtoaskyoutokeepan
eyeonhimforus.”Hetoldme.

Thiswasn’tnormalpoliceprocedure,Iknew.“EvenifIdid,youcouldn’tuseanythingI
foundincourt,Jerome.”

Jeromeshookhisheadatthat,“Notquite.”

“What?”Iasked,feelingimpatient.

“Youcanreport,justlikeanycivilian.”Hetoldme,“Whenthetimeisright,youcanjust
reportwhatyouknowtous,noworries.”

Isighedandcastmyeyesdownatthefile,whichIhadnowclosedtofendoffpreying
eyes.“Whatdoyoumean,‘whenthetimeisright’?”

TherewassilenceforamomentwhenIlookedupatJerome.Ittookmealongmomentto
understand,andwhenIdidn’thetoldme,“Thisguyishardtocatch.Weknowhe’supto
something.Butwecan’tpinanythingonhim.”

“Ithoughtyoudidn’tknowwhohewasdownthepub?”Iasked.

Jeromeshookhishead.“Ididn’tknowthen.Iknownow.”

“Whatdoyouknow?”Iasked.

“Justwatchandlisten.”Jerometolemeashestoodup.“Ican’ttellyouanymorethan
that.Andofcourse-“

Hemotionedtothefolderinmyhands,butIknewwhathewasgoingtosay.Istoodupas
Itoldhim,“Yeah,Iknow.Youdidn’tgiveittomeifanyoneasksIdon’thaveit.”My
heartstartedtosinkinmychest.

“That’sright!”Heconfirmedwithalittlesmile,“No-onesaidanythingtoyou,andyou
don’thavethefolder.Ifyouarefoundwithit,I’llhavetodenygivingittoyou.Ifyou
can’tkeepitsafeathome,burnthecontentsafteryou’vereadit.”

“Easierthatway.”IsaidasIpickedupthefolderthatdidn’texistandfollowedJeromeout
intothesummersun.

ChapterSeven

WhenIgothome,allIwantedtodowasreadthatfolder,butIcouldn’tmanagetositstill.
Iwaswonderingaroundthehouse,flippingthroughthefolderwhilestandingup,while
pacing,whilesittingindifferentlocations.Iwassittingatmydinnertable,thenpacing
backandforthbeforesomethingshockingmeantIneededtositdowninmyloungeroom
ononeofmyarmchairs.

Itdidn’ttakemelongtoreadeverythingthentoputthingstogether.Hewasasmall-time
criminalwhenhewasyounger,andashe’dgrownintoamanhiscrimeshadgrownin
severityalongwithhim.Mostofthemwerepropertycrimesbuttherewereafewcasesof
assault.Theywerebarfightswithothermen,mostly.Therewasonecaseofhimandsome
otherguysroughingsomeoneupoverdrugs.

Ialmostcouldn’tbelievethiswasJack.Butthenatthesametime,Icouldbelieveitof
him.Ihadbeensoblind-sightedbyhimIwasshockedatmyself.

Butthen,Iwasn’t.

Mostly,Iwasjustconfused.Iwasleftwithmymouthagapethinkingthatthiswasallabit
surreal.IhaddealtwithwomenlikemewhenIwasontheforce,womenwhodidn’tknow
whattheirhusbandsorboyfriendsreallydidformoney,womenwhowereindeepdenial.

Plentyofthosewomenwerethevictimsofdomesticviolence,too,andwerestillindeep
denialaboutthetypeofmantheywereinvolvedwith.Iknewtherewascomplex
psychologythere.Iknewwomenstayedinthewrongrelationshipswiththewrongmen
forallsortsofreasons,only,IneverthoughtIwouldbeoneofthosewomen.Especially
whenIspentsomuchofmytimeinthepasthelpingthosewomen.

HowcouldI,acop,notseethesignsthathewasnogood?HowcouldInotseeanything
waswrong?

Butthen,Ihadseensomething,hadn’tI?WhenheturneduponhisbikeandIfreakedout,
therehadbeensomethingthere,somethingthatwasn’tjustPTSD.Orwasthere?

ThenwhenIfoundmyfrontdoorlockbroken,Iwassurethatitwashim.Ididn’teven
reallymakeexcusesforhim–actually,Idid,didn’tI,forawhile.

No.Iknewhewasbad,butIwasindenial.Ineededsomeoneoutsidethesituationtogive
mesomeperspectivehere.

Iwasdrowning.Therewasnosightofland,onlytherewassomethinghereinthesepages
Iheld.Theywerereal,theygroundedme.Theystoppedmefromslippingdownintothe
denialthatcouldbesocomfortable.ThedenialIdidn’twant.Ididn’twanttobeoneof
thosewomen.

Becausethepageswerephysicallythere,inmyhands,itwasharderformetofindaway
towritethemoff.Itwasharderformetomakeexcusesforthemortoignorethem.I
couldn’texcusehimforthathedidtootherpeople.Forthepainandsufferinghecaused
othermenandtheirfamiliesinbarfights,orthetheftsheexecuted.

Therewasinformationinhereabouthimbeinginvolvedwithabikeygang.But,Ihadn’t
seenatattootomarkhimasamemberanywhereonhisbody.Weirdly,actually,hewas
clean.Healsohadnoprisontattoos,andasidefromthatonetime,Ihadn’tseenhimriding
abike.Somethingdidn’taddup.Somethingwaswronghere.

Plus,heworkedaregularjob.Hadn’tIseenhimdownatthepubthefirsttimeinhishigh-
visibilitygearwithabunchofworkmates?

EvenasItriedtomakerealwhatIread,somethingsjustdidn’tmakesense.

Andthenames,JackandJohn.WheneverIsaidJack,heresponded.IwonderedifIcalled
himJohnifhewouldrespondtothat.Iwonderedifitwasworththeriskoftryingit.Ifhis
namewasn’tJohn,hecouldbeoffended.WonderwhothefuckJohnwas.IfhewasJohn,
he’dbesuspiciousofme.HewouldwonderhowIknewwhohereallywasandinnotime
atall,he’dfindthisfolder.Iknewit.Or,hewouldleavemebecauseIknewtoomuch.I
didn’twanthimtoleave,andIdidn’twanttoleavehim.

DidheknowIwasacop?Couldhespotacop–evenanex-cop–inciviliangear?Iknew
theanswertothat.Iknewhewouldbeabletomakethatspot,especiallyinJerome.
Jeromelookedlikeacop,Ibetheevenwhenhewasinhisbirthdaysuit.He’dbeenonthe
forcealongtimeandhadinternalisedhiscop-ness(ifthatwasathing).

Iontheotherhand,maybehedidn’tknowabout.Butthenhehadto,thereweretoomany
smallthings,toomanysidewardsglances.Therewassomethingthere,somethingthathad
alwaysbeenthere.Hemustknow.

ButifheknewIwasacop,hemusthaveknownitwaspastasheknewIhadanotherjob
now.Thethoughtofhimusingmetogetclosetoacopwasanawfulone.Hecouldn’t
fakeallthisjusttogetclose,justtokeepaneyeonwhatpoliceweredoing.

Thatwasn’tthenormalMOofbikeysanyway.Dealingwiththemwaslikebeinghitover
theheadwithabaseballbat.Theywereasfierceastheywereblunt,andtherewasnoway
Icouldmissthemortheircrimes.

Thenitstruckme,maybethereasonhehadnobikeytattoosandhadanormaljobwasthat
he’dleftalifeofcrime,butthenasIthoughtaboutit,Ialmostlaughedoutloud.You
couldn’tleavethesegangs.Youcouldn’tjustwalkaway.Itdidn’thappen.Onceyouwere
in,youwereinforlife.

Iwasacoponce.Ineededtorememberthatabouteverythingelse.Rightnow,too,Iwas
inthemoodtofindexcusesforhim,buttherewasnoexcuseforthis.Hewasacriminal,
andhe’ddonehistime.Iknewthatcriminalsdidplentymorecrimethanweknowabout
thattheywerenevercaughtorprosecutedover.Iknewthatifhe’ddonethismuch,he
wouldhavedonemore.

HowIhadmissedallofthiswasbeyondme.

Shakingmyhead,Istoodupandwenttopourmyselfacupoftea.Iputthefolderdown
onthekitchenbenchnexttothetea–whichwasjustalittlehottodrink–beforepacing
again.

WhatwasIgoingtodoaboutthis?ShouldIdoanythingatall?

Jeromeobviouslywantedmetokeepaneyeonhim.Helikelydidthistokeepmesafe
too.No,scratchthat,hewouldhavedonethistokeepmesafeabouteverythingelse.
Knowledgeisthebestpreventativeanywayandheknewit.ThemoreIknewaboutJack
(ashewouldalwaysbetome,evenifitwasn’thisrealname),thebetteroffIwouldbe.
ThebetterpositionIwouldbeinwhenitwastimetoleave.

ButwouldIleave?

IknewIshould.IknewitmadesensetoleaveandthatIshouldconsiderit.Iknewit
wasn’tformetodecidetostaywhenIheldallofthispersonalinformationabouteveryone
whoIhadworkedwithontheforce,andallofthisinformationaboutpoliceandpolicing
thatwasn’tavailabletothepublic.Iowedsomuchtomyex-colleaguesandtotheforce.I
didn’twanttogivethemupforsomeguyafterall.IfJackreallydiddoallofthistoget
closetomeasanex-cop,Iowedittomycolleaguestodosomething.

ButwhenIwouldgettheideaupthereinmyheadthatIhadtodosomething,Ihadtolet
himgo,Iwouldfindreasonsnottodoanythingatall.ThenIwouldfindreasonswhyhe
wasn’texactlywhoheappearedtobe.

AtsometimearoundtwoAM(becauseIcouldn’tsleepwiththisinsidemyhead)I
decideditwastimetostopagonisingoverthis.

Ihadreadsomewherethatifyousleeponsomething,yoursubconsciousdoestheheavy
liftingforyou,thatitmakesdecisionsorsomething.Iwaswillingtobelievethatjustto
getsomesleepasIhadbeenupwaypastmybedtimeandneededtorestmyeyes.

Lyingdown,Idecidedtojustrelaxandletsleeptakeme,inthemorningIwould
hopefullyhavesomebetterideasofwhatwasgoingon.Iwouldhopefullybeableto‘just
know’whattodobecauserightnowlogicandreasonwerefightingwithmyheart,andmy
heartwaswaymorepersuasivethanmyhead.

BeforeIwenttosleep,Itoyedwithplacestoputthefolder,then,rememberingtherecent
breakin(asifIcouldforgetit)Iputthefolderunderneathmyhead.

ThepolicewhentheyvisitedhadsaidtherehadbeenanumberoftheseintheareaandI
likelywasn’ttargetedspecifically.Likelywhathadhappenedwastherewasafewyoung
peopletargetinghouseswherepeoplelivedaloneorwereoutandstealingtheirvaluables.

Itwasacommoncrime,andoneIwouldn’tletdisturbmeinmyhome.

TherewassomanycrimesIhadseeninmytimeontheforcethatthisoneneverbothered
mewhenIhadtoinvestigatebreakingandenteringcasesbefore.SurelyIshouldn’tbe
botheredwhenithappenedhere,outofalltheotherthingsthatcouldhavehappenedhere
anyway.Atleastthat’swhatItoldmyself,thatitshouldn’tbotherme.Ofcourseitdid,as
itwasmyownhome.Butthiswasonlyatheft,itwasn’tliketheyhadcomeintomyhome
wieldingmachetes,holdingthemtomythroatanddemandedIhandovercashandother
valuables.

Itwasn’tlikesomeonebrokeintomyhousespecificallytohurtme.

ThatnightwhenIsleptthough,mydreamswerefilledwithdarkfigures.WhenIwoke
earlythenextmorningwithastart,IcouldseeJackstandingbesidemybedinthepre-
dawnlight.Hewasstaringatme.Inmymind,IknewIwasstilldreaming,soIreached
forthelight.

Oncethelightwason,IturnedbacktofindJackwasgone.Itwasadream,butIcouldn’t
helpthefeelingthattherewassomeoneelseinthehouse.Ishotoutofmybedand
checkedeveryroom,includingcupboards.BythetimeIhadreturnedtomyownroom,I
wasn’tcheckingspacedasseriouslyanymore,asIknewitwasjustadream.

ButwhenIwascheckingthecupboardsinmybedroomthough,Ifeltairdancingovermy
skin.Lookingupandover,Icouldseemywindowwasopen.Takingtwosteps,I
questionedmyself.HadIleftitopenbeforeIslept?

Istoodthere,staringattheopenwindow,wonderingtomyselfifIhadleftitopen.Itwas
summer,andthenightswerewarm,butIcouldn’tthink.HadIleftitopen?

IwassureIhadn’t,butifIhadn’t,howelsewasitopen?

ThenIthoughtback,maybeJackreallywashere.Butifhewas,wouldn’tIhaveseenhim
leavewhenIreachedforthelight?WhenIturnedback,hewasgonebut,but,no.

Hehadbeenstandingnexttomywindow,staringatme.Itispossiblehejumpedoutthe
windowwhileIwasfumblingwithmylamp.

Hadhebeenhere,andifso,why?

ChapterEight

Icouldn’tgetbacktosleepthatmorning,Iwasjusttossingandturning,wonderingif
seeingJackhadbeenadreamornot.Icouldn’tstandjustlayingtherethinkingaboutit,so
Iwentthrewsomeclothesonandwenttoanall-nightfastfoodplacenearmyhomewitha
book.

IknewthisplacebecausewhenIwasacop,sometimesifIwouldcomehomeaftera
particularlystressfulshiftandbeunabletosleep–orwhenIwasonmywayhomeand
knewIwastoowiredtoattemptsleeping–Iwoulddropinhereforsomegreasyfried
food.

Sometimesthegirlbehindthecounterwouldchattoyou,othertimesnot.Shewasavery
moodyyoungladyandhadhermoments,buthercharmwhenshewasinthemoodtotalk
morethanmadeupforit.

TonightasIwalkedin,Isawherfacelightup.

“Heyyou!”Shecried,“It’sbeentoolong!”

Ismiledatherandnodded,“Ithas!”Thisfeltfamiliar,comforting.

“Theusual?”Sheasked.

Eventhoughithadbeenmonths,IwasimpressedthatshestillknewwhatIwanted.I
noddedmyhead.“Sure.”Andplacedatwentyonthecounter.Shewouldtakethattwenty
andletmeknowifIatemorethantwentydollars’worth.IfIdid,she’daskformorecash.
WealwaysdiditthiswayasIlikedtositatmytableforalongperiodoftime,thenwhen
Iwasreadyforbedtojustupandleave,wavinggoodbyeasIwentthroughthedoor.

IsatdownwithmybookandopenedtowhereIhadleftit.Iwasafewpagesinwhenthe
thoughtstruckme:wasJeromeworkingtonight?

Ididn’twanttocallthepoliceaboutthisasIdidn’tknowforsureifJackhadbeenthereor
not,andIdidn’twanttoadmittotheoutsideworldwhatkindofguyIhadbeeninvolved
with.Notjustbecauseitwasembarrassing,butalsobecauseIdidn’twanttobetoldnotto
seehimanymore.IknewIdidn’twanttobeforcedtoleavehimagain.

ButJeromealreadyknewwhatIwasdealingwith,soIwenttodialhisnumber,thenithit
methatIdidn’thavethefolderwithme.Iwassurethatwouldbehisfirstquestion.

Thewomanwhoranthefastfoodplaceapproachedmewithaplatefilledwithkabab.

“CanIgetthatfortakeaway?”Iasked,rushingtomyfeet.

Shelookedsurprisedbutwentbackbehindthecounterandstartedpackagingupthekebab
fortake-awayandgettingsomechangefromthecashregister.Shenormallydidn’thave
anychangeforme,butIwashappyshewasbeinghonestenoughtogetmethechange
thistime.

HandingmebackthekebabandthechangeIsmiledandsaidmythankyoubeforerushing
outofthefast-foodjoint.

Iwashomequickly,pullingintomydrivewayasInoticedtheskywasnowpre-dawn
blue.

Ishouldbeinbed.

Gettingoutofmycarquickly,Ipushedthelittlebuttononmykeysthatlocksthedoors
beforerushingofftoopenmyfrontdoorwhilejugglingkebabinonehand.

WhenIwalkedintomyhouse,asenseofdreadovertookme.Therewasno-onethere,but
Iwassoparanoidthatmaybesomeonewashidingbehindadoororacurtain–likein
everybadmovieever–sowhenIreachedmyroomIwashypeduponadrenaline.

Ipushedmypillowtothesidetorevealthefolder,andcheckingitscontentfound
everythingthere.

Internally,Iwasbattling.Betweentwoideas:Onethathereallywashere(forreasons
unknowntome,giventhefolderwasstillhere)andIreallyhadseenhimbeforehe
managedtoescapethroughanopenwindow,andtheotherthathewasn’there,andallof
myparanoiaabouthimbeinginmyhouse,aboutanyonebeinginmyhouse,was
unfounded.

Unsurewhattobelieve,Iwentaroundmyhousethenandcheckedeverypossibleplace
wheresomeonecouldhidebeforefinallylayingdownonmybed.

AsIlaythere,Icouldhearthebirdschirpingoutside,andmymindwonderedtoother
things.IthoughtabouthowcrazyIfelt,howparanoidonebreak-inmakesyou,thatyou
eitherimagineorinventanotherone.

WhywouldJackbreakintomyhousewhenIwasathomeandsleeping?

Hewasn’tthetypetowanttojuststandthereandstareatyouwhileyouslept.

Afterall,wheneverhewashereandweslepttogether,healwaysfellasleepbeforemeand
awokebeforeme.Ineverawoketohavinghimstaringatme.Itjustdidn’thappen.

Hewasn’tthatweird.

Ithoughtabouthiscrimes,andnoneofthemwereagainstwomen.Therewasnoanger
towardshismotherwhenhespokeabouther.Therewasnoangertowardsasignificant
femalerelationshipanywhere.Thisguywaschilledwhenitcametowomen.Whywould
hecomeafteronenow?

Hewasn’tthetypetobreakintohousestogetatyou,justsohecouldstareatyouwhile
youslept.Hewasn’tthetypetobreakintohousesofpeopleheknewatall,hadn’tI
alreadydecided?

Ihadalreadydecidedthathewasn’ttheonetobreakin,thatitwasrandom.Justsomeone
whohadbeenbreakingintohomesinthearea.Hadn’tI?

WhatwasIdoinggettingstressedaboutthis,andrunningallovertown?

MyfingersstillitchedtocallJerome.Tolethimknowwhatwasgoingonwithme,butwe
hadbeencolleagues.HehadbeensomeonewhoIworkedbeside,andsomeonewhoselife

Iheldinmyhandswheneverwehadacall-out.Hewasn’tsomeonewhoIreallywantedto
callandconfessmynightmaresandsecretfearsto.

Ibreathedadeepsighandrolledover.

IstaredattheplacewhereJackhadbeenstandingwhenIwokeup.Hewasn’tthere,but
hadhebeenthere?

Sometime,Idon’tknowwhen,Ifellasleep.

IonlyknowIwasasleepbecauseIwokeupwhenmyalarmsoundedandthrewonsome
clothestogotowork.Ihadtogotowork.

Evenwithallofthisinsanitygoingon,Ihadsomewheretobe.

ThatdayatworkIdidverylittleactualwork,mostlyfindingwaystolookbusywhileIlet
mythoughtsrunrampantinsidemyhead.

Bytheendoftheday,Ihadconvincedmyselfthatnomatterhowrealitseemed,Jack
hadn’tbeeninmyhome.Itjustdidn’tmakesense.Hehadnoreasontobethereatall.He
wasn’tthetypetostalk,andbeweirdbystaringatmewhileIwassleeping.

Ofcoursehewasalittleodd,butwhenIreflected,Irealisedthathecouldhavebeenthat
waybecauseofhowhehadgrownup.Becausehehadbeeninandoutofprisonssincehe
wasachild.Anyonewouldbeabitweirdafterthat.

Ialmostfoundmyselffeelingsorryforhim,thathehadbeenthroughthis,thenIshook
myselfoutofit.Itwasn’tformetofeelsorryforhim.Hehadalreadybeenjudgedguilty,
thenhadservedhistime.Thiswasn’taboutfeelings,itwashowwedealtwithcriminalsin
thissociety.

Assomeonewhohadbeenpartofthesystemwe–asasociety–usetopunishcriminals,
youwouldthinkIwouldhavemoreofanideathanthat,thantogetallcutupoversome
guyIhadbeendating,whoIhadn’tknownwellenough,andhowhehadbeennaughty
andgothimselfintrouble.

Hehadbeenpunished.Letitgo.

WhenIleftwork,therewereahandfuloftextmessagessittingonmyphone.Afew
friends,thenonefromJack.

Inhismessage,Jackwasaskingifwecouldseeoneanotherthisevening.Ittookmea
momenttoconsiderbeforedecidingthatsure,Iwouldn’tmindseeinghim.Ishothima
messageback,andafterafewmoremessages,we’dagreedtomeetfordinner.

Whenheaskedmeifhecouldpickmeupthough,Ifeltmyheartplummetthroughmy
chestandstomach.Ididn’twanthimtopickmeup.

ItwasthefirsttimeIwouldstrugglewiththisfeelingofwantinghimbutknowingI
shouldn’tseehim,thatIshouldn’thavehim.Itwasthefirstofseveraltimeswhenthis
happened.

Asitwasthefirsttime,Imanagedtomakemyexcusesandgetoutofseeinghim.Forthe

nextweek,hewouldcallmeandtryandarrangedates,whichIwouldatfirstjumpat,then
tellhimIcouldn’tgoon.Iwouldmakemyexcuses,evenasmyheartwasachingtosee
him.

Thathappenedafewtimes,eachtimehegotmoreuncomfortableuntilhestoppedasking
metogoondates.

UntiloneSaturdaynight,abitoveraweeklaterwhenIcalledhimdrunk.Wespokefor
aboutanhour,andattheendofthathour,heaskedmeifIwantedhimtopickmeup.I
toldhimnothenrushedtogethimoffthephone.

EvenasIwasdrunk,Iknewthismustallcomeoffalittlestrangetohim.

Ineededtotalktosomeoneelse,togetsomeperspectiveonmybehaviourandhis.Toget
someperspectiveonthewholesituation.ButIhadno-onetotalkto.

Beingacopwasananti-socialjob,soIdidn’thavemanycivilianfriendswhenIretired
andanycopIknewwouldtellmetodumpacriminal.Itwasjustlogical.

Everydaythough,IcarriedJack’sfilearoundwithmeinmyover-sizedhandbagand
everynightIsleptwithitundermypillow.

Ijustcouldn’tletitgo,Icouldn’tburnitlikeIknewIshould.JustlikehowIcouldn’tlet
himgo.

Thatuncomfortablefeelingthough,ofnotwantingtoseehimevenasIdidstillwantto
seehim,waswhatdidmein.

Onenight,whenIarrivedhomefromwork,therewasJackinmydrivewaystandingnext
toamotorcycleIhadn’tseenhimridingbefore,hisfacestern.

Igotoutofmycarandstaredathim.Wewereonlyacarlengthawayfromoneanother,
butIwasn’tgoingtobethefirsttomove.

Hestoodtherewithhiseyesonmenotsayingasingleword.

Apparentlywewereatstalemate.Hewouldn’tsayanything,Iwouldn’tsayanything.We
juststaredatoneanother.

Thenhemoved.Heapproachedmeallatonce,asifinahurry.Thehairsonthebackof
myneckstoodupandIwasreadyforafight.

Whenhegotclosethough,allIcouldseewassadnessinhiseyes.

Ontopofthefeelingoftensionrisinginmybody,rearingforafight,Ialsofeltsadness.I
feltsorryforhim,foravoidinghim.ButIknewIhadto,hewasbadforme.Hewasa
criminal.

Inmyhandwasmyover-sizedhandbagcontainingthefileonJackandhiscrimes.Like
thetell-taleheart,Icouldalmostfeelitbeatinginmybag.Myguiltwasevidenttoo,on
topofeverythingelse.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Werehisfirstwordstome.

Ididn’thaveananswertothosewordsatall,theycaughtmeoffguard.Isimplystaredat

him.

“Whydoyoukeepavoidingmelikethis?”Heasked,awobbleinhisvoice.Hewassad.

Thatwobblewasdistinctive,andittoldmethathewasfeelingsomething,evenasIknew
hewouldnormallyplayitcoolwithgirls.Iknewhistype.Iknewhewouldnormallyjust
letgirlsthinkwhatevertheywantedwhilehetookwhathewantedfromthembefore
throwingthemtothecurb.

Butwithme,whokeptrunning,hewasstuck.

Withawomanwhoranaway,amanwasdrawntochase.

Butwashechasingme?Orhadhebeenstalkingme?

Ididn’tknowanymore.

Andinthatmoment,Ididn’treallycareeither.

ChapterNine

Ihadinvitedhiminandofferedhimabeer,notwantingtohavethisconversationoutin
thestreetwhereallofmyneighbourscouldhear.Feelinguncomfortablewiththetell-tale
heartofthefolderonhiscrimessittinginmyhandbagbetweenusaswetalkedaboutour
relationship,Isubtlyputmyhandbag–andafewofmyotherthingsfromwork–intomy
bedroomwheretheywouldstillbesafe,butwhereIwouldn’thavetolookatthem,or
thinkaboutthatfolder.

MyheartwasbeatingfastasIputthebagdown.Ihadtoreassuremyselfthatitwasn’ta
problem,thatIwascompletelyfine.Thatthiswasallinmyhead,itwasn’tlikehecould
seethroughmyhandbag.Itwasn’tlikeheevenknewIhadafolderfilledwithinformation
abouthimanyway.

Afterdumpingthehandbag,Iheadedbackintothekitchenandpickedupmybeerbottle
fromthecounter,openingit.Jackhadalreadyopenedhisandtakenasip.Iignoredthat
andofferedtoclinkglassesanyway.

Theconversationwasabitstifferthanwewereusedto,however,underneaththestiffness
thefamiliaritywasstillthere.

It’samazinghowwithyourlover,youhavetoexplainyourselfthatmuchlessthanwhen
you’rewithyourfriends.WhereasafriendwouldwanttoknowexactlywhatIwas
thinkingandwhyIran,hedidn’twanttoknowanything.Hejustwantedmyassurance
thatthiswouldn’tkeephappening.

Jackwantedtofeelsecure.Icouldseehisvulnerabilitiesnow.Seeinghimthatnakedand
rawmademewanttoreachout,toholdhim.ItmademefeelevenguiltierforthefileI
carriedaroundonhiminmyhandbageverysingleday.Ibrieflyconsideredtellinghim
aboutitbeforeIremindedmyselfthatIshouldn’t.Itwouldn’tbejustmyselfwhowould
bethrownunderthebusthen,butmyex-colleagues,too.Thatwasn’t’fair,orethical.

Iresolvedtodestroythefileafterheleft.Ididn’tneeditanymore.Ididn’tneedtoknow
aboutthebadguyhehadbeen,Iwashappywiththemanhewasnow.

Theysaythatifcopsweren’toutchasingcriminalsandsolvingcrime,wewouldbeout
committingthem.AndasIspokesoeasilywiththiscriminalinmykitchen,Ireflectedon
justhowtruethatwas.Howmuchdidwehaveincommonreally?Iwouldsaywehad
moreincommoninhowwechosetoliveourlives–andthethingswegotourselves
involvedin–thaneitherofuswouldhavewithacivilianwhohadnevercomeintocontact
withpolice.

Perhapshewasagoodmatchformeafterall,providedhewasoutofthatlifeandkeeping
himselfclean.

Aswetalkedthough,insidemyownmindIagonisedagainstwhatIwantedtobelieveof
him.Iwantedtobelievethatsure,he’dbeenanaughtyboybuthewasgoingtogetbetter.
Thathehaddonesomebadthings,buthewasn’tabadperson.Hewasonthemend.He
wasn’tinthatlifeanymore.

Butthentheothervoiceinsidemyheadwaspipingup.Theothervoicewastellingme
thatpeopledon’tchange,notthatmuch.Asmuchashewasstillacriminal,Iwould
alwaysbeacopinthewayIthoughtandhowIsawtheworld.

Buthadn’tIlostthatthroughdatinghim?Hadn’tIlethimgetawaywiththingsI
shouldn’thave?WiththingsIwouldneverletsomeonegetawaywithnormally?Hadn’tI
beenconcernedwithwhatcopmewouldthinkaboutthewayIwasnowbehaving?

Iwascrackingup,Iwassureofthat.

Thesetwosidesofthesamecoin:washebad/washereformedweredrivingmemad.

Iwasstillabletoholdanormalconversationwithhimaswecrackedopenoursecond
beersthough.HewantedtoknowhowIwasgoingatworknow.Theconversationhad
movedonfromourproblems.Butmymindhadn’t.

Mymindwasstillthere:simultaneouslytellingmethathewasbad,thatIshouldstay
away.Thathewasdangerous.Iknewinmybonesthathewasdangerous.Atthesame
timethatIadoredhimandwantedhimclose,Ididn’ttotallytrusthim.Icouldn’tletthat
partofmybraingothatworriedabouthim.Icouldn’tletthatpartofmybraingothattold
metostayaway,oratleasttonottrusthimwithmyhandbagwhichsatinthenextroom.

Thentheotherpartofmybrainspokeup,remindingmethathe’dnevergonethroughmy
stuff,whywouldhestartnow?Whywithmyhandbagwhenhewasinmyhomewhich
wasfilledwithallofmythings?Iwasbeingparanoid.Thiswasstupid.Iadoredthisman,
andsorarelyfoundmenwhounderstoodme.Heunderstoodme,andthesexwasgreat.
Whatelsewasthere?

Speakingof,hewasdraggingmeintomybedroomthen,afterfinishingoursecondbottles
ofbeer.Hewaskissingme,hewastouchingmybody,andhewaslayingdownonmy
bed,offeringmeaplacebesidehimtocuddleupto.

Itwasn’tsexhewanted,itwascuddling.Butitwascloseenough.Itwasintimateenough.
Wewereonmybed,andhewassoclose,hesmeltdelicious!

Welaythereandkepttalking.Nowwehadmovedonfromtheintense‘ourproblemsin
thisrelationship’conversation.Wehadn’tmadeup,butsomeimportantthingshadbeen
saidatleast.

Hejustwantedtocuddle,tobeclosewithme.Thatmademyheartmelt,thathemissed
me,thatallhewantedwastobeclose,tobeintimatewithoutsex.

OfcourseIwantedsexandIwassurehedidtoo,buthewaswillingtotakehistimein
thatmoment.Intimacywaswhattookprioritythen.Hewaswillingtojustcuddleme.To
getalllovedupbeforewemadelove.Oh,hownice!Isnuggledintohiswarmchest.

Annoyingly,hisphonerang.Isighedandrolledmyeyes.

“Sorry!”Hesaid,pullingitfromhispocketandpushingtherejectbutton.“It’sjustoneof
mymates.Probablywantsmedownthepub.”

“Oneoftheguysyouwerewithwhenwemet?”Iasked,tryingtorememberwhohewas

with.Ijustrememberabunchofguyswearinghigh-visibilityclothing,thetypetradies
wear.

“Ah”Jacksaid,nowreadingatextmessagethathadcomethroughasherejectedthecall,
“No.Anotherfriend.”

Thephonerangagainandthistimeheapologisedtomebeforeansweringit.“Hello?”He
asked.

Withmyheadonhischest,Icouldn’thearmuch,soIlaythere,determinedtoenjoythe
cuddleevenwiththedistractionuntilIheardsomethingthatmadethehairsonthebackof
myneckstandonend:thepersonontheotherendofthephonewastalkingaboutme.

Ididn’tknowanyofJack’sfriendsandafterwhatJeromehadsaidaboutJackthismade
meimmediatelyonguard.Ididn’twantJacktoknowIcouldhearthough,soImovedmy
headtokisshischeekbeforepositioningmyselfbesidehimtobetterhearwhatwasbeing
said.Myheadwasstillonhischestinthisposition,onlynowIcouldhearwithbothears,
insuringIpickedupeverythingwhatwasbeingsaid.

Jackwasn’tsayingmuch,mostlyhisfacejustlookedconfused,scrunchedup,ashetried
nottolookatme.IwassureitwashardasIwasrightthere,soclosebesidehim.Ididn’t
thinkJackknewIcouldhearwhatwasbeingsaid,oreventhatIwouldbelistening
consideringhowcalmImanagedtomakemyselfappear.Iwasjustlazingonhischest
besidehim,cuddling,afterweworkedthroughsomeofourissues.WhywouldIbe
listeningtoanythingthatwasbeingsaid?

Thepersononthephone–amale–wassayingtoJackthatheandhisgroupwerein
trouble,someonehadreportedthem.Someonehadfoundouttheywerebrakinginto
placesandhadcalledafullpoliceinvestigation.Obviously,thecallerthought,itwas
someonewhoactuallymatteredbecausethey’dbeenhittinghousesforageswithno
problems.

Thisseemedstrangetome,asbikeygangsweren’tintothiskindofcrime.Policetoo
tendedtoactoncrimes,evenbreakingandentering,regardlessofwhothevictimswere.
Tryingtomakesenseofthesetwothings:bikeygangssuddenlyperforminglow-level
crimeandpolicesuddenlynotdoingtheirjobonamassscaledidn’twanttocompute
insidemyhead.MyheadwhirredasIthoughteverythingover.

IpushedthepolicestufftothesideasIfocussedonwhatwasathand.Bikeyslikethese
wereintomuchmoreseriousstuff.Theywouldbestand-overmenanddrugpushers.They
weren’tintothelow-level,low-paycrimeofrobbinghouses.Butthepersonontheother
endofthephonewaskeentojumpalloverJack.Theyweretellinghimthattheyknewit
hadtobetiedtohim,becausewhentheywerepickedup,thepolicelettoomuch
informationgo(thisalsodidn’tmakeanyrealsenseaspolicedon’tletthingsslip,they’re
famousforhavingtightlips).Theyknewitwasfrommyhousethattheyhadbeencaught.

“Isn’tyouroldladyacop?”Thepersonaskedinanaccusatorytone.Thishadtobea
bluff.Thepolicewouldnevertellhimanythingaboutavictimofcrimelikethis.Unless
therewascorruptioninvolved.ButIpushedthatthoughtoutofmymind.

Icouldn’tdealwiththecopstuffrightnow.Ineededtofocusonwhatthiscriminalwas
saying.Ineededtobepresentnow.

MyheartwasjustaboutbeatingoutofmychestasIfoughttoremainpresentandnotlet
mymindwanderaheadofme.Icouldn’tletthathappen.Icouldn’tstressaboutthisstuff,
the‘whatisgoingon?’Ineededtojustlisten,andremainquiet.Passive.Itwassafetobe
passivenow.

Jack’seyescameovertomeetmineasIrestedonhischest.PretendingIcouldn’thear,I
lookedupathim,abigcheekysmileonmyface.Ihadtoplayinnocent,thatvoiceinmy
headwastellingme.Icouldn’tlethimknowwhatIknew.Ineededtokeepmyadvantage.

Quietandpassive.Remainquietandpassive.Remainpresent.

“Anex-cop.”HeansweredwhenIlookedawayandsnuggledintohischest,pretending
nottolistenallthemore.“Anyway,whatdoesitmatter?”

Thevoiceontheotherendofthephonewasangry.TellingJackitmatteredbecausethey
hadbeenpickedupforacrime,andtheywouldn’thavebeenifthepolicewereless
thorough.Theywerealwayslessthoroughwithcrimesoncivilianhomessothemanon
thephonewassaying.

IwonderedhowanyofthishadtodowithJack.Ifhehadn’tbrokenin,whywerethey
callinghim?Hadtheyknownitwasmyhomewiththeybrokeinhere?HadJackbeen
awareofit?Hadheactuallybeenwiththem?

Somethingwasn’trighthere.

Mybloodwaspoundinginmyearsasthatsenseofinjusticeovertookme.Therewasmore
tothis,butIcouldn’tdoanything.Icouldn’tletonwhatIknewbecauseIshouldn’thave
hadthefolderanyway.Ihadn’tevenspokentoJackaboutthebreakinbecausewhenI’d
wantedtomakeupthefirsttime,hehadn’twantedtohearwhyIranaway,hehadonly
wantedtogiftmemoreofhisamazingsex.

NowhereIwaslisteningtohimhavingaconversationwithanotherman–amanwhohad
brokenintomyhome–aboutthebreakin.IfIhadthatphoneIcoulddomorewithit.I
couldgotoJeromewiththisinformationandtellhimforsure,theyhadbeentheperps.
TheyhadsaidsoonthephonetoJackandIhadoverheardit.

It’strue,thecopinyouneverstopsbeingacop.You’realwayscatchingbadguys,even
afteryou’veretiredfromthatgig.

Jackapparentlydidn’twanttobelieveitwasme,whentheguyontheotherendofthe
phonebadgeredhimheanswered,“Idon’tthinkitwasher,orifitwas,Idon’tthinkshe
knewitwasus.”

“Why?”Herepeatedafterapause,“Becauseshewouldn’tdothattome.Iknowher.”

Thatsentencemademefeeluncomfortable.LikeheknewIwouldlethimgetawaywith
committingcrimesagainstmewithnoretribution.Butwhenheturnedtotusslemyhair
playfully,IknewIwouldn’t.Iwastoosuckeredin,anditmademedoubtmyselfinthe
worstway.Iknewhowthewivesofcriminalsfelt,andwehadn’tevenbeendatingthat

long.

TheconversationbetweenJackandhisfriendwentaroundincirclesforawhilebeforehe
wounduphangingupthephone.

Thecircleswerethus:hisfriendwantedhimtoknowheneededtogetridofme,hisfriend
wantedhimtoknowitwasallhis(Jack’s)faultthathe’dbeencaught,thefriendwanted
Jacktoknowthatheshouldn’ttrustme.ThatIwasasbadaseveryothercop,honestor
crooked,nomatterwhatJackthought.

Jackdidn’tappeartobetakinghisfriendtooseriously,insteadhangingupthephoneand
wishinghimagoodevening.

“Whowasthat?”Iaskedinanoffhandedway.“Andwhydidyouspendsolongtalkingto
theminsteadofgivingmeattention?”Imovedsowewerefacingoneanother,andsmiled
athimcheekilylikeIwouldanyothertimeIwantedtokisshim,totouchhisbody.I
wasn’tgoingtoactlikeanythingwasup,Iknowitwasbettertoplaymycardscloseto
mychest.

Thepolicestuffwasstillabitoff,butIhadtothinkaboutitlater.Stupidly,Idismissedit
frommymindanddidn’tthinkaboutitproperlyinthatmoment.ThatwasamistakeI
won’tforgetmaking.

TherewasaslighthesitationwhileJackconsideredifheshouldsayanythinghimself,
beforehemovedtokissme.“No-oneatall,aboutnothingatall.”

Hiskisswashard,angry.Iwantedtostopthekissesandpushhimtotellmewhatwasup
butIknewwhatwasupandIwasn’tsurehowIwoulddealwiththisifitwastackled
head-on.Ididn’tfeelliketherewasalieIcouldtelleffectivelyenoughtoJack.

Hemightnothaveknownmeforlong,butIfeltconsideringhowlongwehadknownone
another,heknewmewellforthatamountoftime,withallthetextmessagingandlate
nightphonecalls,inadditiontohimpotentiallyhavingbeeninmyhomebeforewhenI
wasn’there.

Thelastthoughtmademeshudder,butIhadtoadmit,Iwasn’tsureifhehad.Iwasn’t
sureifmyfearwasfornothing.

Andhonestly,thathewasscarymadehimallthehotter.Badboysarehot,evenforex-
copswhodealwithplentyofbadboysonadailybasisandareconsistentlyunimpressed
bythem.

Astheadrenalineranthroughmyveins,Ipushedbackagainsthiskissesandkissedhim
harder.Mykisseswerelustywhenhiswerealittleangry.Hepulledmyhair,Ididthe
sametohis,butwhenIdiditmymouthwasprobinghisasifIwastryingtofindhis
secrets.Mytonguewasexploringhismouth,hewasmoaningasIdidso,likehewanted
togiveallofhissecretsuptome.

Thenhewasontopofme,hishipspressedintomine,pinningmetothebed.Icouldfeel
thebulgeofhiscockagainstmeanditmademewritheunderhiminexcitementand
anticipation.Hefeltamazing,Ifelttheanticipationrisinginsideme.

Iwasfrightenedofhim,ofwhatwouldhappenwhenhefoundoutwhatIknewandthatI
hadreportedhisfriendstopolice.Inthesameinstancethough,Iwassoexcitedbymy
ownfear,andbyhim,thatIcouldn’tresisttheurgetogrindalloverhim.Iwantedhim,
andinthatmomentIcouldthinkofnothingelse.

Hestartedtokisshiswaydownmyneckbeforestoppingatthepointwheretheneck
meetstheshoulderandlickingitdelicatelybeforesuckingaportionofmyskinintohis
mouthandbitingdownhard.

Thebitewaspainful,asharpedgetomyowninternalfearandexcitement,anditmademe
gaspunderhim.

Hereleasedmyskinfromhisteethwithanaughtychucklebeforelookingmeintheeye
andasking,“Youlikethatbitch?”

Iknowit’scommonforpeopletocalloneanothernamesinbed,however,weneverhad.
Thathewascallingme‘bitch’nowcaughtmeoffguard.Didhemeanit?Evenifhedid,
thetoneturnedmeon.Partofme,asmallvoiceinthebackofmyhead,wastellingmeI
shouldn’tbeokaywiththismuchlessturnedonbyit.Ifnothingelse,itwasoddtiming
forhimtosuddenlystartcallingmenamesinbedwhenhehadn’tbefore.

Idismissedmyconcernsthough.Hopingthathedidn’tmeananythingbyit,andplaying
likehedidn’tasIwasn’tsurewhatelsetodothatwouldn’toutmeforhavingeveryidea
whatwasgoingonwithhimandhisfriends,Igavehimawinningsmileandnodded,“Yes
sir,Ilovethat!”

Hisreturningsmilewasjustasnaughty.Hewinkedatmebeforecontinuingtokisshis
waydownmybodypullingclothesoutofthewayashewent.Hehadmeinmybraand
pantiesinnotime.Iknewwherehewasgoing,butthelittleteasingkissesallovermy
bodydrovemewildallthesame.

Whenhemadehiswaydowntomypussy,hedidn’tteasemewithlittlekisses,oreven
littlelicks.Insteadhegotrighttobusiness,lickingmehardandfast,thelicksgotmeall
hotandbotheredandservedtomakemesquirmunderhim.

Hegavegreatheadwhenhewantedto.

Wheremostmenmightneedtodeliverateasetogetyouinthemood,Jackdidn’tneedto.
Hejustlickedhoweverhewanted,fuckedhoweverhewanted,andwhateverhedidtoyou
alwaysseemedtobeexactlywhatyouneededinthatmoment.Likeintuitivelyheknew.

Hewouldgetmeoffwithouteventrying,itwasn’tfairbutitwashot.

Everyonelikedtobewiththeguywhohadaclue.Withtheguywhoknewhowtogetyou
offandwhoteasedyouuntilhegotyouthere.Iwaswiththatguywhowasaterrificfuck,
anditinflatedmyegotonoendthathewantedtobewithmeasmuchasIwantedtobe
withhim.

Histonguelashinghadmyhipsbuckinginnotimeasheboughtmecloserandcloserto
thatmagicalorgasm.Then,asIcame,Iimaginedmyselfcummingintohismouth,allover
hisface.Likehowmencumonwomeninporn.Then,whenhecameupforairandtokiss

me,therereallywasalargeamountofcumonhisface.Hewipeditoffbeforelookingme
intheeyewithanaughtygrinofaboywhoknowshe’sdonegoodwork.

“Yousquirtedalittle,baby!”Hetoldme.

Isighedandrolledmyeyes.OfcourseIhad.JustasIhadimagined.Icouldn’tfeelbadfor
themessIhadmadeinthatmoment,insteadmovingoverslightlyasheinstructedand
takingupresidencyontheothersideofthebed.

WhenIdidsohecuddledme,allowingmeafewmomentstorestpost-orgasmandpost-
squirt.

AsIrested,Itriedtomakemybodylookrelaxed,evenasmybrainwasrushingaround.
Inmymind,IwasthinkingaboutwhatIwouldhavedoneifthatreallywasJack.

ThentheimageofJackstandingbesidemybedcameback.Hadthatbeenadream?Ifhe
knewhowtobreakintootherpeople’shouses,probablynot.AndIdidseesomebigger
crimesonhissheet.HowwashesosureIwouldneverreporthimanyway?Cockyand
stupidormanipulativeanddark?Wouldhehurtmeandgetawaywithit?Whydidhe
thinkhecould?

Ipeeredathimthroughhalf-shuteyes.Wouldhedowhateverhewantedwithimpunity?
Orwasthatjustsomethinghehadsaidtoshuthismatesup?

Lettingoutadeepbreath,Itriedtoreleasethethoughtwithit.Icouldn’tthinkaboutthis
now.Ihadtobenormal,Icouldn’tletonwhatwasgoingoninsidemyownmind.

Itriedtothinkofotherthingsthen,butmymindkeptgoingbacktothatthought:howfar
wouldhegobecauseheneverthoughthewouldgetintrouble?

Then,asifheknewwhatIwasthinkingandwantedtoerasemythoughts,hestarted
kissingme.

Hiskisseswerepanty-melting,ifIhadbeenwearingpanties.Withaflickofthewrist,he
tookmybraoff,whichwasthelastpieceofclothingIhadbeenwearingandcuppedmy
breastswhiledeliveringkissesfullofneed.

Ikissedhimbackandmoanedintohismouthashesqueezedmynipplesbetweenhis
thumbandforefinger.

Beingcompletelynakedwhilehestillhadhisclothesonmademefeelabitpowerless
nexttohim.Thathewassomuchstrongerthanmedidn’thelpthatfeelingeither.Itugged
athisclotheswhilehekissedme,pullinghisshirtoffhisbackashedid.

Iranmyhandsoverhischest,feelinglittlemusclesunderhisskin,hardmusclesunder
softskin,itwasliketouchinghishardcock.Somethingincrediblyhardundersomething
soft.

IlovedthecontrastandsmiledintohiskisseswhileItouchedhisbody.

WewerebothexcitedasIpulledathisbelt,managingtogetinundoneinrecordtime.I
wasnevergoodwithbelts,buttherewassomethingIdesperatelywantedinsidethese
pants.

WhenIpulledouthiscock,webothheldasharpintakeofbreath,himbecauseIwas
squeezingathiscockandmebecauseIcouldn’tbelievehowhornyitmademetoholdhis
cocklikethis.Iwantedit,Ineededit.Ineededtopleasehim.

Iknowitsoundscrazy,butIdidn’twanthimtosufferforwhatIorhisfriendshaddone.I
didn’twanthiminthemiddleofeverything.InthatmomentallIcouldthinkaboutwas
howIcouldmakethisuptohim,howIcouldusemymouthtopleasehim.Mymouthfelt
alltinglywiththethoughtoftastinghiscock.Ineededthatcock!

Hestoodbesidethebedandstrippedofftheremainderofhisclothes(includinghissocks)
beforegettingbackonthebed.Hewasonhiskneesashedippedhishardcockintomy
mouth.

Theheadofhiscocktastedofpre-cumasIdesperatelyswirledmytonguethere,lickingit
alluphungrily.Iwantedmore,buttherewasnomorethere.IhadtosucktogetwhatI
wanted.Ihadtosucktogivehimwhatheneeded.

Iwassuckingtheheadofhiscockintomymouthwhenhepushedtheshaftinsideafterit.
HewasslowlyfuckingmymouthwhenIlookedupathim.Hiseyeshadbeenonhiscock
insidemymouthwhentheymetmine.Wesharedamomentthatwasweirdlyromanticand
intimateashethrusthiscockintomymouth.

Hiseyesneverleftminethenashegrewmoreandmoreturnedonatthesightofmewith
hiscockinmymouth,andatthefeelingofmytongueonhiscock.

Hisbreathingincreased,thegruntsandmoansgrewclosertogether.Hispre-cumwasnow
allIcouldtasteasIsuckeditoutofhim,andlickeditfromtheheadofhiscock.Ashe
thrusted,Igrewmoresureofwhatwasabouttohappen.Hewasgoingtocum.The
thoughtofitmadememoan.Thethoughtofamouthfilledwithcum.ThereIwas,
moaningonhisstiffprickwhileheforceditintomymouth.

Iwantedit,Iwantedhiscumsobad.Iwantedtotastehim,andtheurgetopleasehimwas
overwhelming.Mymouthwastinglingforitworsethanever.

But,rightashewasabouttocum,hepulledoutofmymouth.Foramoment,Ithoughthe
wasgoingtocumonmyface,ormytits.Ididn’tmove,onlywaitedashiscockstoodat
attentionoverme.

“Ithinkyouneedtorideme.”Hetoldme.

Iwantedtomoan,toletoutanannoyedsound,butIknewbetter.Iwasn’tgoingtodothat.
Iwasn’tgoingtoletonhowmuchIwantedtotastehim,becausethealternative-riding
hiscock-feltlikesomethingIneededevenmorethanthat.Ineededtopleasehimas
muchasIneededtobepleased.

Sure,Ihadhadasquirting,messyorgasm,butIwantedanother.AndIwantedittobe
together.Simultaneousorgasmshadalwaysbeenahugeturn-onformeandwehadthem
frequently.

HelaydownthenandIclimbedontopofhim,notbotheringtoaskanythingelse.

IleaneddownandwesharedakissasIlinedhiscockupwithmypussyandhegaveone

longthrustofthehipstodivehiscockintome.

Wewerefuckingforafewminuteswhenfromundermeinatonethattoldmehiswords
werethetruesthe’dspokenallnight,Jacktoldme,“Iamnotgoingtolastlong.”

“Oh!Meeither!”Itoldhimastruerwordshadneverbeenspoken.

ItwasonlyafewmorethrustsuntilIwascummingalloverhiscockandhisorgasm
followedonlyathrustortwolater.Icouldfeelhimfillingmewithhiscumasmypussy
grabbedathiscock.Thegooeyheatwasenoughtosentmyorgasmintomuchhigher
places.

Welaythere,melookingdownathimandhimupatmeaswebothmoaned,andour
bodiestookoneanotherforaride.

Oftenwhenwecumtogether,Idon’tknowwhat’smeandwhat’shim,andthistimewas
nodifferent.Everylittlepulseortwitchwasaccompaniedbythisfeelingofbeingunsure.
Iwasunsureifitwasmyorgasmorhisthatwasthattwitch,orthatpulse.

Whenwekissedthough,Ismiledintohismouth.Itwasn’teitherperson’sorgasm,butwas
ourorgasmcollectively.

ThethoughtmademegiggleandJackasked,“What?”

Whatstartedasmysmallgiggleeruptedintolaughter.“Nothing!”Icried.

ThenIwaslookinghimintheeye,mylaughterstopped,“Nothingatall.”Andmylips
wereonhis,kissingthatmouth,histongueprobingmymouth.

Wewerelikethatforagoodlongwhile,myrestingwithhiminsideofme.Hiscockdidn’t
gosoft,butafterawhile,mylegsdidrequiremetolaydown.

SoIlaybesidehim,andhewrappedhisarmsaroundme,hisbeingbigspoonandmy
beinglittlespoon.Itwastimetobetogether,toenjoythiscoupleymoment.Thecuddle
wasperfect,beingtogetherlikethiswasperfect.

Iwantedtodriftawaytosleep,butmymindsnappedbacktothepresent.

Whatwasgoingonwithhisfriends?WhatshouldIdo?WhatcouldIdo?

ChapterTen

Jackleftmyplacethateveningwithabigsmileonhisfaceandakissforme.Itwas
wonderfulandromanticontheoutside,butinternallyIwasgrowingmorefrightenedof
himandhisfriends.Ihadbeenstupidtakingastrangemanhomefromthepub,andeven
morefoolishcontinuingtoseehim.Iknewbetterthancivilians,yetIhadfallenintothe
sametrapthatmanyciviliansfallinto.

Showinghimoff,hegavemeakissandallseemedfine.Itriedtoscanhisface,orreadhis
bodylanguage,buttherewasn’tanythingtheretoread.Maybehedidn’tblamemefor
reportingafterall.

Iwasbackinmyhouseforabouttenminutes,boilingthekettletomakeacupofteawhen
Irealised,IhadnevertoldJackIwasacop,evenanex-copyetheknew.

Ifrozeinmykitchen,holdingthejust-boiledkettle,abouttopouritintomyteacup.I
knowJeromehadsaidthatanycriminalcouldspotacop,andJackhadspentplentyof
timewithme,buttheideathatheknew,andthatheneversaidanythingwasunnerving.

Ifheknewthataboutme,andhehadn’tsaidanything,whatelsedidheknow?

Ishookmyheadandpickedupthekettleagain,pouringmytea.Iwasjustbeingsilly.
Whywouldhementionthat?IwassuretherewerethingsabouthimIknewthatIhadn’t
mentioned.Mymindracedtothemanilafolderwhichsatinmyhandbagstill.Allthesex
we’dhadseemedtoshakereasonfrommybrain.WhatwasIthinkinghavingsexwith
himinthefirstplace?Whatdidthatprove,really?

Rushingintothebedroom,Ireachedforthebag.Iknewthatitwouldstillbeinthere,butI
didn’twanttoriskit.

Pullingthebagoutfromundermybedwhereithadbeenkicked,Ifoundthefolderstill
there.IwasflippingthroughitmakingsureeverythingwastherewhenIrealisedIfelt
warmaironmyskin.Thewindowwasopen.

Iwenttocloseit,asIdidn’trememberopeningitwhensomethingdarkcamefromthe
edgeofmyvisionandhitmyhead.Itknockedmeout.

WhenIcameto,Iwasinadarkspaceandcouldfeelmovement.Comingto,Ididn’t
move,Imerelystaredintothedarkness.We’dneverbeentrainedspecificallyfor
abductionascops,butIknewwhatwashappening.

Iblinkedafewtimesandlookedaround.Ifelttightnessaroundmywristsandankles.
WhenItriedtowriggle,Icouldtellthesebindswerenotgoingtoloosen.Ihadbeentied
tightly.WhenIreachedmyhandsout,Ididn’treachfarbeforeIfeltsomethingsoftand
roughatthesametime.Felt,itwascarpet.Iwasinthebootofacar.ThemovementIfelt
andthesizeofthespacegavethataway.

Ifocusedonmybreathing,andknewIcouldgetthroughthisonlyifIkeptcalm.A
panickedpersongetsnowhere.Iwasgoingtogetoutofthis.Takingdeepbreaths,Ifelt
theconfinedspaceasifitwasweighingdownonmefromallsides.Ihatedsmallspaces

andalwayshad.Iwouldn’tcallitaphobia,butIhatedthemawholelot.

Onebreath,twobreaths,three.Think.WhatwasIgoingtodo?HowcouldIgetmyself
outofthis?

IknewIcouldn’t.Iknewifsomeonehadmeboundinthebootofacar,therewasn’t
anythingIcoulddo,unless…

SomewhereonlineIhadreadthatyoucouldsmashacarstaillightandthenthecarwould
bepulledoverbypolicewhowouldinvestigatethecarforfurtherfaults,and,hopefully,
findyouintheback.

Butmyfeetwherebound.

Itriedtomovethem,butthenrealised,Iwasn’tsurewhichwaytokick.Iwasinadark
space.Icouldn’tseeanythingandhadnorealideawhichwaywasup.Ionlyknewabout
thespaceinwhichIlay.

Fourmoreblinks,fivemorebreaths.Tooquick,Iwasbreathingtooquickly.

Icouldn’tfocus.TheonlythingIcouldfocusonwasmybreath,andeventhenthatwasn’t
enough.Iwashavingapanicattack.

Breathe.You’llgetthroughthis.

Ireachedmylegsoutthenandtriedtofeelmywayaround,tofindacorneroranedge
thatwouldhelpme.IfIcouldworkoutwherethecornerswere,Iwouldhaveafifty-fifty
chanceoffindingthecornerwherethelightswere.

Ittookmemuchlongerthanitshouldtofindacorner,then,asIkickedhelplesslywith
bothfeetbound,themovementstopped.Thecarhadstopped.Wewerestationary.

Ilaythere,myheartinmythroat,notsurewhattodo.Iwaspowerless.Iwasn’tabletodo
anythingatall.Ijustlaythere,awaitingmyfate.

IknewthismustaboutsomethingtodowithJack,ofcourseitdid.ButwouldJackabduct
me?

Therehadn’tbeenanythinginthatfileaboutabduction,butIcouldseehimdoingit,
somehow.

Therewasalwaysthissensethathewasabadguy,whenIlookedbackandIneverreally
trustedhim.Somepartofmehadalwaysheldthattrustback,hadalwaysquestionedhim
andnevercameupbelievingthethingsthathesaid.

Trustisearned,andhe’ddonenothingtoearnmine.Therewasalwaysthatlittle
somethingnaggingawayatmeabouthim,Iguessthismustbewherethatfeelingcame
from,ifhewasthetypeofguytoabducthisgirlfriendandthrowherinthebackofacar.

Iadoredhim,butIdidn’ttrusthim.Iknowthat’snotlove,butitdoesn’tmeanmuch,that
it’snotlove,whenyou’reboundinthebootofsomeone’scar.IfIlivedthroughthis,I
couldfeelbadaboutmystupidchoiceslater.

Rightnow,Iwasjusttryingtocontrolmybreathing,justtryingtothinkclearly,think

straight.Myheartwasgoingsofastitfeltlikeitwasabouttobeatrightoutofmychest.I
couldn’ttakethis,butIhadto.It’snotliketherewasawayout,iftherewas–

Therewasaloudnoiseofscraping,thentherewaslight,itfloodedintomyeyesandhurt
myhead.Orhadmyheadalwayshurt?Iwassureithadhurtthiswholetime,Iwasn’tjust
imaginingit.Thiswasarealproblemallalong,thispainnearmytemple.

Whoeverhadopenedthebootofthecarmustbestandingthere,staringatme.Itturned
out,Irealised,thatthecornerIhadfoundwithmyfootwasnottheonewiththelightinit
afterall.Mylegswerereachingawayfromthelighttowardsthecabofthevehicle.Damn
it!

IwasfrozenandallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhytheywerejuststandingtherestaringat
me?Andwhatwasabouttohappen?

Iheardshufflingbehindme,andwhatsoundedlikesniffling.

Whywashesniffling?Hadhebeencrying?No.Hecan’thavebeencrying,maybe,taking
drugs?Thatseemedevenlesslikely.Whoabductstheirgirlfriendthendosesupondrugs?

Thiswholesituationwasn’tgettingbetter,andthethoughtsrunningthroughmymind
werenothelping.Witheachblink,witheachbreath,thingsgotworse.

Iconsideredclosingmyeyes,IconsideredpretendingIwasstillpassedout,butthenI
wouldn’tseeanything,andIwantedtoseethings.Iwantedtoknowwhatwashappening
tome.

Icouldn’tthinkstraightthough,Icouldn’tkeepmythoughtstogether,notonelittlebit.
Myheadwasracing,thesameasmyheart.

Ifhe’dabductedme,Iwasagoner.Therewasnowayhewasjustdoingthisforfun.
Whenbikey’sabductedpeople,theykilledthem.Bikeysmeantbusiness,theywerenotthe
typetojustabductyou,scareyoualittlethenputyoubackwheretheyfoundyou.It
wasn’ttheirMO.Theymeantbusiness,hemeantbusiness.

Thatthought–itmademyheartstop.

Ifhewasgoingtokillme–andIwassurenowthathewould,nowIhadthoughtaboutit
–thentherewasnowayIcouldgetawayfromhim.TherewasnothingIcoulddo.

TherehadbeenacasethatJeromehadbeeninvolvedin,twosurferscalleditin–they
foundbodiesfloatinginthewater,nearsomerocksatfiveinthemorning.Thetidehad
carriedthebodiesfromupthebeachwheretheyhadbeenkilled,executionstylebygang
members.

Whenthecasewasinvestigated,itturnedoutthatthereasontheseguyswereshotwas
becausetheyowedthegangmembersmoneyandwerethreateningtosnitchtocopsabout
thegangmembers’activities.Ihadalreadysnitched.

Hewouldkillme,andIhadno-onetoblamebutmyself.Ishouldn’thavereported.And
whenIdid,Ishouldneverhavegonebacktohim.WhathadIbeenthinking?HowcouldI
tellmyselfthatthingswouldbeokay?IhadbeensostupidandnowIwasgoingtopayfor

it.

Iheavedagreatsighandtriedtoswallowthefear.Iwasn’tgoingtolethimknowhow
scaredIwas.

Iheardhisfootstepsmovingaroundtothesideofthecar,thenthecardooropen.Hemust
havebeengettingsomething.

Whateverhewasdoing,Ihopedhewouldhurryup.Ididn’twanttobelikethisforever.I
didn’twantthistolasttoomuchlonger.Everymomentfeltlikeanhour.

Itcouldonlyhavebeenafewminutessincewestopped,andevenlesssincehe’dopened
thebootandletthelightpourin.Hewasinnorush,hedidn’thavetobe.Iwasn’tgoing
anywhere.Evenasalloftheevidencewasbeforemethathewouldkillme,andIwanted
itoverwithsinceIknewitwasgoingtohappen,thatotherpartofmybrainwastellingme
howthiscouldn’tbehappening.Thiscouldn’tbereal.SurelyIwouldbeokay,surelyhe
wouldn’twanttohurtme.

Mymindwasatwarwithitself,andtherewasn’tathingIcoulddotostopit.Mymind
wasrushingintwodirections.Onewasthelogicalpartofmybrain,thepartofmybrain
thatknewwhatwasgoingtohappenafteryearsinthepoliceforcefightingcrime.That
partofmybraintoldmethathewasgoingtodoit,hewasgoingtokillme.

Thentheotherpartofmybrain–thepartthatwasstillinlovewithhim–toldhethathe
wouldn’t,hewouldn’tdoathingtohurtme.Ofcoursethiswasdespitethefactthathe’d
snuckintomyhousebeforehestruckmeintheheadtoknockmeout,andthathe
currentlyhadmeinthebootofhiscar.Denialhaditsgrip,andit’splaceinmyhead
securelyfastened.Stupidbrain.

HewasmakinghiswayaroundtothebootofthecaragainandIfeltacoolbladeonmy
ankle.Itwastheflatofablade,thechillfromitspreadfrommyanklerightupmyspine.

“Iknowyou’reawake.”Hetoldmeashecouldn’tseemyeyesandIcouldn’tseehim,
“don’tmove,andIwon’tcutyou.”

Myheartwasracing,andmymindwasreeling.ItwasJack,myJack,andhewasgiving
meinstructions,inhistendervoice.Thesamevoiceheusedwhenwewereinbed.
Againstallhope,myeyeswelledwithtears.Ididn’twantthis,Icouldn’tdeal.Icouldn’t
dealwithwhatwashappeningtomerightnow.Ihadtothough,andIbreathedthetears
awayasthecoolknifeslidbetweenmyanklesandcuttheties.

Iknewwhatwouldhappennextbeforehespoke.

“Iwantyoutogetoutofthecar.”Hetoldme,hisvoicenowgrowingrougher,“but
slowly.”

FollowinghiscommandsasbestIcould,Iturnedtowardshisvoice,andwithoutmy
meaningto,myeyesshotuptohisface.Therewassadnessthere,andhe’dbeencrying.
Hisfacewasred,puffy.Butthesetofhisjawtoldmethathemeantbusiness.

Thosevoicesinmyheadthatwerewarringwithoneanother?Theyweregoingcrazy
now!Mymindwasdoingbackflips:Hewasgoingtodoit,that’swhyhe’dbeencrying

andhisjawwasset.No,hewouldn’t.Ofcoursehewouldn’t,hewouldneverhurt
someoneheloved.

Istartedcoughing,andwithoutmeaningto,turnedmyheadandvomitedintothebootof
hiscar.Itwasn’talittlebitofvomiteither,butawaterfalloffoodscrapsandliquid.It
smeltvileandwoundupallovermyclothes,addingtomyhumiliationandthesenseof
vulnerabilityIsokeenlyfelt.

DoingthisrightinfrontofhimwasembarrassingandIwantedtohideit,butcouldn’t.I
wasalltiedup.

Hewasstaringdownatme,anddidn’tsayanythingashegrabbedmebytheelbowand
draggedmethroughmyownvomit.

Itwasdisgustingandembarrassing,butthereweremoreimportantthingstoworryaboutI
toldmyself.Hewasforcingmetomyfeet,Icouldstand,butonlyjust.Mylegswerelike
led.

HeinstructedmetowalkandIcouldn’twillmyfeettomove.

Impatient,hepulledagunfromthewaistofhisshortsandforceditintothesmallofmy
back.“Walk.”Hesaid,histonefierce.

Hewouldshoot,Iwassureofit,evenasIwantedtodenythat.

Iwalked,butslowly.IwassureIcouldgetaway,atleastIhopedIcould.Ihadnoother
choice.Wherewerewe?Itriedtolookaround,toseeifIknewtheplace.Itwascoastal,a
beachbelowusaswewalkedalongcliffs.

Mymindrushedtothosebodiesthatwashedupneartherocksthatthesurfersfound.I
didn’twanttobeoneofthem.Thereweretearsnowflowingfrommyeyes,alongwiththe
bileIcouldstilltasteinmymouth.

Hewasbehindme,forcingmeforward.Therewasadeephatredinhisvoiceashetold
me,“you’remakingmedothis.Idon’twanttodothis.”

“Iamnotmakingyoudoanything.”Itoldhim,myvoicewobblingwiththepain.“You
arechoosingtodothis,Jack.”

“Don’tcallmethat!Idon’twantyoutocallmethat!”Jacktoldme,therewasawobblein
hisvoicetoo.

MymindracedasIthought,maybehewasn’tasincontrolasIthoughthewas.MaybeI
couldtalkmywayoutofthis.“Youknow,”Ibegan,unsurewhereIwasgoingwiththis,
“Youcouldletmego.Therewouldbenotroubleforyouifyoudid.”

“Whatdoyoumeantherewouldbenotrouble?”Heasked,hisvoicetoohigh.

Hewasbehindme,withaguntomyback,butIfeltinthatmomentlikeIhadtheupper
hand.Hedidloveme,itwastrue.Hewantedmetotalkmywayoutofthis.Hedidn’t
wanttokillme,ordumpmybody.Buthefeltlikehehadtoapparently.Rightafterwe’d
madelovetoo.Whowasthatonthephone?Whatdidtheyhaveoverhim?WhatdidI
havetosaytogethimtoreleaseme?

Mymindwasrushing,mymindwasfasterthanmyfeetinthatmoment.WhatdidIhave
tosay?Ineededmoreinformation.

“WhyareyoudoingthisJack?”Iaskedhim.

“Itoldyoutostopcallingmethat!”Hesnappedangrily,hisvoiceagrowl“That’snotmy
fuckingname!”

“Okay,Jack.Whatdoyouwantmetocallyou?”Iasked,myvoicedmeasured.

Heshovedthegunbarrelintomyspine.“Walkfaster!”Hedemanded,“Mynameis
John!”

“YournameisJohn?”Iasked,“WhydidyoutellmeitwasJack?”

Jack,orJohn,heavedagreatsighatthatcomment.“BecauseIdidn’twantyoutoknow
whoIwas.”

“Okay.”Isaid,“Whynot?”

Therewassilencethen,Itookafewsteps.Itriedtocountmybreathstokeepcalm.

“Youknowwhynot.”Hesaid,hevoiceexasperatednowaswellasfrustrated.“You’ve
readmyfile.”

Iclearedmythroat.“Yes,Ihave.”Therewasnouselyingnow,heknewallmysecrets,as
Iknewhis.Sadly,thiswashowwefoundoutoneanother’ssecrets.Itwasn’tsomeother
way,notfromtellingoneanotherbecausewehadsuchloveandtrustinourrelationship.It
wasfromsnooping.Hehadstalkedmeandbrokenintomyhome,Ihadusedmypolice
connectionstofindouthiscrimes.Thiswasnotahealthyrelationship.

Anditwasabouttoendbadly.

ChapterEleven

MylegsfeltheavyandIwasconstantlytrippingashepushedmeonfurther.John-asI
wasnowtocallhim-seemedtobetakingmeforwhatfeltlikethelongestwalkonthe
beachever.IfIhadn’tknowwhatwasattheendofthiswalk,Iwouldhaveyelledathim
tobringthissooner.

ButIdidn’t.Iknewbetterthanallthat.

Mymindwasracingahead,withthethoughtofhowIcouldgetoutofthisbyjusttalking
havingalreadyenteredmyhead,IwaskeepingtheconversationwithJohngoing.The
moreItalked,theslowerwewalked,themorechancethatsomeonewouldseeusandcall
thepolice.

Wemustbesomewhereveryremote,however,aseventhoughitwasnowquitelateinthe
day,anditwassummer,Ididn’tseeanyonealongthisstretchofcoast.

Mymindwondered:HowcouldwebeatanAustraliancoastlinewhereno-onewas
chillingoutinabikiniorboardshorts;atacoastlinewheretherewerenosurfersbobbing
upanddowninthewaterwaitingforthenextwave.

Somethingwasverywronghere.

Johndidn’tseemtobestoppingthough,anywherealongthecoastline.Thatwasweird
too.Shouldn’thewanttostopsomewheresohecouldexecuteme?Shouldn’thewantto
getthisoveranddonewith?

Mymindwasracing,myheartwaspumpingandyettherewasaweirdcalmthatcame
overmeasthosetwothoughtsenteredmyhead,acalmthathelpedmethinkmoreclearly.
Thiswasn’twhatitlookedlike,itcouldn’tbe.

Butwasthatthevoiceofdenial?

Ihadidentifieditearlier:mylogicalvoiceandmydenialvoice,bothexistingside-by-side
insidemyownmind.IknewwhattheywerebecauseIhadbecomewellacquaintedwith
themthroughoutmylife.

Idecidedtotesthim.Ifhewasgoingtokillmeanyway,Ihadnothingtolose.

IstoppedwhereIwas,andhe,notexpectingmetostop,bumpedagainstmybackashe
cameupshort.Theguninmybackdugintomyspineashisbodycrashedintomine.

Hewasmad.

“Whatthefuckdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”Hedemanded.

“Nothing.I–Ijust.”Ibegan,butfellshort,Ihadtostallthelogicallittlevoiceinsidemy
headtoldme.“Ijustwantedtoknow,ifyouweregoingtokissmegoodbye?”

Iturnedaroundtofacehim,hopingthatthesadnessandfearonmyfacewouldchangehis
mind,wouldsoftenhimupjustenough,wouldmakehimstopwhathewasdoing,butit
didn’t.

“Go!”Hegrowled,pushingthegunbarrelintomybackharderthanhehadbefore.“You
fuckingwalkorI’llcutyoudownwhereIstand!”

Takingonemomentlongertolookintohiseyesthanhewasallowingme,Itookastep
forwardwithoutlookingaway,thenanother.IfIkeptwalkinglikethisIwouldfallover,
butIhadalreadyfallensomanytimes,andifIwasgoingtogoout,Iwasgoingtodoit
myway.

Agirlalwayswentherway.Agirlalwaysdiditherway.

“Fuckingwalk!”hetoldme,hisvoiceasfierceasever.

“Iam.”Iansweredsimply.

Heletoutadeepsighandbrokeeyecontact,staringahead.Hecouldn’ttakeit,he
couldn’tlookatthewomanwhoheloved,thewomanwhohewasabouttokill.

Ihadhim.

InthatmomentwhenhismindwaselsewhereItookmyopportunity.Throwingcautionto
thewindIturnedonhimandusingbothofmyhands(whichhadbeentiedtogether),I
grabbedforthegun.

JohnhadbeencaughtoffguardandIhadmanagedtogetthegunawayfromhim,buthad
droppeditonthegroundbetweenus.Shocked,helookedatmyfacebeforedivingforthe
gun,hishandreacheditandIstompedonhishand.Hekepthisgripandpushedatme,
topplingmeover.

Thenhewasstandingoverme,guninhand,facefurious.

“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Hedemanded.

Igotup,and,standingtherefacinghimItoldhim,“WhatthefuckdoyouthinkIam
doing?Iamdefendingmyselfagainstamadman!”

John’seyeswerepainedbeforeheletoutanangryhuffandtoldme,“Iamdoingthisfor
yourowngood!”

“Howcanyoubedoingthisformyowngood?”Iasked,incredulous.“Howcanyou
possiblythinkthisisgoodforme?Youareinsane,youknowthat!”

Hestaredatme,Istaredback.Then,withoutanotherwordheforcedmearound,toface
awayfromhimsohewouldn’tneedtolookmeintheeye.“Keepwalking.”Heinstructed.

Ihadseentoomuchweaknessnowthoughtodothat.“Idon’tthinkIwill.”Itoldhim.“I
willjuststandrighthere.”

Hisvoicewasshakingasheaskedme,“Whydoyouhavetodothistome?”

Somethingwasverywronghere.Iwasmissingsomething.Hisactionsdidnotlineup
withhiswordsatall.Therehewas,withaguntomyback,beggingme.Whywouldn’the
justshootme?Whywouldn’thehavetakenmetothewatersedge–anywherealongthe
water’sedge–andshotmealready?Wherewashetakingme?

“Whyareyoudoingthistome?”Iasked,asawayofbuyingtimetothinkwhilestill

engaginghimsoIcouldgetmoreofafeelforwhatwasgoingon.Icouldn’tworkout
whatwasgoingon,butIwassureIwould.Ifeltmoreconfidentwitheverymomentnow
thatIwouldgetoutofthisalive,somethingIhadn’tfeltwasatallapossibility–really,
beyondmyvoiceofdenial–sinceIawokeinthecar.No-onetookhostagestokeepthem
alive,unlesstheywereforransom.

No-oneIknewhadanymoneyforransom,sothatdidn’tmakeanysense.Plus,thiswasn’t
SouthAmericaorAfrica,thiswasn’taplacethathadmanyransoms.Australiabyand
largeisasafeisland,asidefromallthosesnakesandspidersthatis.

Whatwashedoing?Asidefromstandingbehindmebreathingheavily.Icouldheara
sniffletoo.Hemustbecrying.

Iturnedaroundtofacehim.Hewascrackingup.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Whenmyeyes
caughthisface,hewascrying.Bigfatuglytears.IforgotabouttheguntomybackwhenI
turnedtoseehimfullintheface,andasIsawhisfaceIwantedtowrapmyarmsaround
himandcomforthim.Iheldmyselfbackthough,asthelogicalpartofmybrainknew
better.

WhatwasIdevelopingStockholmsyndrome?

Istaredathimwhilehecried.Then,onhisown,hethrewthegunaway.

Iwasfrozen.Shockedthathehadthrownhisweaponaway.Iknewinmylogical,cop
brainthatnowwasthetimetostrike,yetIcouldn’t.Ijuststaredathimwhilehecried.I
couldn’tbelievewhatwasgoingon.ThegirlfriendpartofmybraintookoverasIdrew
himintomyarms.Orrather,Ithrewmyboundarmsoverhisheadandusedmybicepsto
squeezehisshoulders.

KissingthetopofhisheadImurmured,“It’sokay.It’sovernow.”Asifhewerethe
victim.Asifheweren’tthemanwhohadn’tstruckme,boundme,thrownmeintothe
bootofacar.Asifhewasn’tthemanwhodrovemeallthewayouthere,stickingagun
intomybackandmakingmewalkforwhatfeltlikeforever,whoboughtthisfeartothe
surface,whomadeallofmysurvivalinstinctssetin,whofrightenedmeenoughthatI
couldhavehadaheartattack,ratherthanabullettomyheadwhichwouldendmylife.

But,inmyownmindinthatmoment,atthesametimethatthelogicalpartofmeknew
howfuckedupthisallwasandhowIshouldn’tbetryinganyofthis,theemotionalpartof
me,thepartthatstilllovedhimheldmetight.Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwasdoing,I
couldn’tbelievewhatwashappening.

Then,hetoldmetotakemyarmsback.Imovedthemoverhisheadandheldtheminfront
ofhim,intheairbetweenus.Iwasjusttryingiton,offeringmyarmstohimtoloosen,
hopingthathewoulddoit,hopingthathewouldletmefree.

Andhedid.

Withoneswiftmovementhegrabbedhisknifeandboughtitupbetweenmywrists.

Aftertheyhadbeenboundforsolong,theyached.Irubbedatmywrists,thinkingof
nothingbutthereliefofhavingthemback.Ihadn’tnoticedhownumbmyhandsand

fingershadgottenwhileIhadbeenbound.

AsIrubbedmywriststhough,mymindbegantoreel.Whathadjusthappened?Whathad
hejustdonetome?WhatwasIstilldoinghere,breathing,andstandinginfrontofhim?

Whenmyeyesmadetheirwayupreluctantlytomeethis,Icouldseehewasjustasmuch
ofamessasbefore,eventhoughhehadmanagedtowipeawaysomeofthetearsand
didn’tappeartobecryinganymore.

Hewasstandinginfrontofme,asvulnerableasever.ThiswasthepartofhimIhadfound
soattractive.Thesoftnessthatlivedunderneathhisroughexterior.Hisvulnerability,the
beautyinhishumanity.

Iwantedtoreachoutandtouchhim,tokisshim.

Butthethoughtdidn’tlastlongbeforeitwasreplacedwithanother.

Justwhatwashedoing?Whathadhedonetomeandwhy?Andmoreimportantlyforme
inmylovesickstate,whyhadhestoppedlikethat?

ChapterTwelve

Johntookuphisgunthenandplaceditinsidethewaistlineofhisjeans.Thathisweapon
wasreturnedtohimhadn’tleftmynotice,butitdidn’tscaremenow.Iwasn’tfrightened
hewasgoingtohurtme.Ifhewas,whywouldhehavecutmefree?

Icouldrun,andIcouldgetprettyfar,butIdidn’twantto.Iwantedanswerstomy
questions.

Afterhetookthegunbackhelookeddownatthegroundbeneathmyfeet.“Iamsorry.”
Hetoldmewithoutmeetingmyeye.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,andthequestionwasgenuine.Iwasgenuinelyconfused
bythis,byallofthis.Whatwashedoingandwhy?

“WhatdoesitlooklikeIamdoing?”Heasked,allfirenow.“Iamsavingyourfuckinglife
andthisisthethanksIget!Stupidquestions!”

Ishookmyhead,asiftodislodgethestupidcommentshehadputthere.“What?”I
demanded,“Whatdoyoumean,youare‘savingmylife’?Howcanyoubesavingmylife
youcrazybastard?Youjustheldaguntomyback!”

“IknowwhatIdid.”Hesaid,hisvoicelowanddangerous.

“Why?Whydothatinthefirstplace?”Iasked,feelingtheangersurgeinsideofme.It
wasasifnowIhadpermissiontobemadnowIknewIwassafe,andIwasfeelingevery
bitofit.Allowingthewarmthfrommyownangertotakeovermybody.Itfilledmeand
spilledoutofmeasIspatangrywordsathim.

“Because–“Hebegan,butthosetearswereback,“BecauseIloveyou,andtheywere
goingtokillyou.Ihadtodoit.Iwouldn’tletanyoneelsedothattoyou.”

“You–What?”Iasked.

“Doyouhaveanyideawhattypeofpeopletheyare?Doyouhaveanyideawhatyoudid
whenyourreportedthem?”Heaskedme.

Icouldn’texactlydenywhatIhaddonerightnow,butthethoughtdidcrossmymind.I
amnotashamedtoadmitthatIdidthinkofpretendingitwasn’tme.

Hiseyesweresearchingmyfacebeforehetoldme,“Isavedyoufromthem,andthisis
thethanksIget?”

“You,what?Howcouldyouhavesavedme?Youthrewmeinthebootofyourcarafter
breakingintomyhouseandstrikingmeinthehead!”Isaid,“Andbesides,theyweren’t
bigtime,notbigenoughtimeforyoutojustifywhatyoudid!”

Heshookhisheadatmywords,“Theyweren’tjustbreakingintosteal.”Hetoldme.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iasked,“Whatweretheydoingthen?”

Lettingoutahuffofairhetoldme,“Theyweretargetingyourhouseonpurpose,because
youwereanex-cop.Theywerelookingforinformation.Theyjustmadeitlooklikea

burglary,buttheirprintsweren’tsupposedtobethere.Theyfuckedup.”Hetoldme.

“But,theyhadbrokenintootherhomesinmyarea–therewasapattern.”Itoldhim,
repeatingtothestoryIhadbeentold.

“Wasthere?”Heaskedme,andIcouldn’tshakethefeelingthathehadtheupperhand
here.Hehadplentymoreinformationthanme.Iknewnothing,really.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iventured,hopinghewouldn’tholdtheinformationabovemyhead
andmakemejumpforit.

Heturnedawayfrommygazeandlookedoffintothedistancebeforeturningbackto
answer,“Someofyourfriendsareprettycorrupt.”Hetoldme,hisjawset.

“Arethey?”Iasked.OfcourseIknewtherewascorruptioninthepoliceforce,everyone
knewthat.Wherevertherewaspower,therewouldbecorruptionbutforthemostpart,
comparedtoourcontemporariesoverseas,thestateandfederalpoliceinAustraliawere
nottheworstforcorruptionintheworld,wewerealmostcompletelycleanwhen
comparedtomanypoliceforcesinLatinAmericaforexample.

TherewassilenceforalongtimeafterIaskedmyquestionandIwassureJohnwasn’t
goingtoanswerme.IscannedmybrainforotherquestionsIcouldask,otherthingsI
couldsay,tokeeptheconversationgoing.EvenasIcouldn’tfeelhisguninmyback,I
worriedthatthesituationcouldturntooquickly,itwassovolatileandIhadtokeepthe
moodincheck.

But,beforeIcouldfindanythingtosayhetoldme,“Yes,theyare.YouandIbothknow
that.”Heclearedhisthroatbeforelookingmeintheeyeagain,“Iftheyweren’t,you
wouldn’thavethatfileonme.”

Iknewhewasright.Ishouldn’thavebeenhandedthatfileinthefirstplace.Ishouldn’t
havetakenit,andIshouldn’thavekeptit.Thathadmademeimplicitinthis.ThatI
adoredthisman,andthatIusedtobeacopandpartoftheorganisationthathehadpitted
himselfagainstmeantIwasinthemiddleofsomethingbiggerthanmyself.Iwasinthe
firingline,exactlywhereIdidn’twanttobe.

“Iwasn’tpartofanycorruption.”Ifeltcompelledtotellhim,“Iwasn’tpartofanyofit.I
justdidmyjobandwenthome,then,whenIlostmyjob…”Itrailedawaythen.

Johnwasstilllookingatme,andtakingamomenttolookovermyshoulderhesmiledat
mebeforelettingmeknow,“Iknow,it’sokay.Iknow.”

Inoddedmyheadandhetookmebythehand.“Comewithme.”

“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked,myvoicetoohigh.Iwasworriednow.Aslongaswe
stoodtheretalking,itwasokay,butifhetookmeaway,whatwouldhappen?

“Iamtakingyoubacktothecar.”Hetoldme.

“Why?”Iaskedinvoluntarily,thewordjustcameflyingfrommymouth.

“Becausewecan’tjuststandaroundhere.They’llknowwhereIhavetakenyouand
they’llcomelookingtomakesureIhavefinishedthejob.”Hewasn’tlookingatmewhen

hetoldme,“Thisisapopularspot.”

“Forwhat?”Iaskedredundantly.Webothknewwhatitwasapopularspotfor.Withits
lackofpeople-trafficandoceanrighttheretowashawayallevidence,itwaspretty
obviouswhathehadintended.

Iwantedtoknowwhyhehadn’tgonethroughwithit,butIwasn’tgoingtoask.That
lovey-doveypartofmybrain,thepartthathadtoldmehewouldn’tkillmewasinaction
now,thatpartofmybrainwasexcitedthathehadn’tdoneit,thinkinghehadn’tgone
throughwithitbecausehereallylovedme.

Iwasfeelingprettysickenedbymyownthoughts.

Alonewiththosethoughtsthough,usingthemasacomfortIdidwhatIwastold.Hestill
hadthegun,evenifitwasn’ttrainedonmeandIchosetobelievehehadn’tshotme
becausehereallylovedme.Inthatmoment,itwaseasierthananyalternativeandit
actuallyseemedprettytrue.

ChapterThirteen

Whenwereturnedtohiscar,hegotmetoclimbbackintotheboot.WhenIlookedathim,
IwassureIhadfearinmyeyes,becausehetoldmethatwehadtodothis.Wehadtodoit
incaseanybodysawhim.

“Doesanyoneknowyou’vetakenme?”Iaskedandheslowlynodded.

Ilookedatthebootofthecar.IfIclimbedin,Iwashandinghimpower.ButifIdidn’t,I
wasprovokinghim.ItwasamiraclethatIwasn’tjustabody,floatinginthesurfnow.I
decidedtogoalongwithit,therewasnothingelseIcoulddothatseemedlikeitwould
endwell.Iclimbedintothebootofthecarandgotcomfortable.HewaiteduntilIwas
settledandhadstoppedmovingtoaskme,“IsitokayifIclosethisnow?”

Inoddedandamomentlater,therewasacrashfrombehindmeasheclosethebootand
darknessreignedagain.

Whenitstoodarktosee,yourothersensesbecomeheightened.Icouldn’tseeanything,
butIcouldhearJohnmovingaround.Icouldhearhisfootstepsinthegravel,himpulling
onthedrivers-sidedoorhandle,feelthecarshiftashegotin,Icouldhearthedoorclose.

BeforeIwaspayinglessattentiontothesethings,mostlybecauseIcouldhardlycontrol
mybreathing,butnoweverythingseemedpositivelymundanefromwhereIlay.Asifwe
werejustoutforaregulardrive,onlyIwasinthebootratherthanthepassengerseat.

Icouldhearmusic.Hehadobviouslyturnedituploud–Iwonderedifthatwasforme–it
soundedfamiliar.Oh,Ilovethissong!Hewasplayingoneofmyfavouritesongsuploud.
Yes,thiswasforme.Icouldhearhimsingingalongtoit,tryingtosingoverthesoundof
thestereoandgettingallthewordswrong.Ilaughedintothedarkness,butthoughtbetter
ofsingingalongtoo.

ThatwaswhenIknewIwouldbeokay,whenhewasshowinghisownbrandofkindness
fromthecarwhileIwasintheboot,tryingtobecomfortable.Hewasbeingcute,evenif
itwasalittlecreepy-cute.

Wedroveforalongtime.Fromwherewelived,thecoastwasalongdrive.Iwondered
howmuchofthisdriveIhadspentpassedoutonmywayhere,whenIrealisedquitealot
ofit.

AsIlayaloneinthedarknesswithmythoughts(Johnturnedtheradiodownafterthat
song)IthoughtaboutwhatIhadgottenmyselfinto,andhowIwouldgetmyselfoutofit.

IfJohnwasgoingtopretendtotheworldthatIwasdeadandhekilledme,thenitwould
onlytakesolongbeforewhoeverthepeoplewhobrokeintomyhomeweretorealisethat
Icouldn’tbedead–wherewasthebody?–IknewfromreadingJohn’ssheet,andbythe
awfulwayhehadtriedtokillme,thathedidn’thaveitinhimtokillpeople,oratleasthe
didn’thaveitinhimtokillme.

Iwonderedifhehadeverkilledanyoneandnotbeencaught,andthethoughtmademe
feelsad.Icouldn’tabidethethoughtthatJohnwoulddothattosomeone,toawhole

family,friends,acommunity.TotakealifewasabigdealandIcouldn’tseehim
committingthatsortofcrime.

ButperhapsIsawthingsthatwaybecauseIwantedto.Iwantedtobelievethathewasn’t
thatbad,thathecouldbesaved,thathecouldredeemhimself.

Realitywasquitedifferent.Ofcoursehecouldhavedonethisbefore.Howelsewouldhe
knowwheretotakeme?Thelogicalvoiceinsidemyheadwasback.

Isighed,tryingtofocusagainonthetaskathand:ifIwassupposedtobedead,whatwas
Igoingtodo?

OfcourseIwouldneedtogoaway.Ihadbeengiventhischanceatliving,ifhetookthe
fallformymurderwithhisfriends.Theythoughthehadkilledme,soIwouldneedtoget
away.HowwouldIdothiswithoutanyoneIknewknowingaswell?Icouldn’ttellanyone
IknewfromworkthatIwasstillalive,asiftheywerecorruptlikeJohnsaid,thenthey
wouldletthecriminalshewascaughtupwithknowthatIwasstillalive.Icouldn’teven
tellJerome.Iwouldneedafreshstartsomewhereelse.

WhenIreflected,Irealisedthathecouldn’tbetakingmehome,ifhewasgoingtobe
pretendinghehadkilledme.Hecouldn’tbetakingmebacktherebecauseitwouldn’tfit
withhisstory,tomurdermethenjustwaltzintomyhouseafterwardsandtakemystuff.
No,thatwasn’tright.

But,ifhewasn’ttakingmebacktomyhome,wherewashetakingme?

ChapterFourteen

Whenheletmeoutofthebootofhiscar,ittookmyeyesamomenttoadjust.Iwasina
garage,IrealisedwhenIsawaworkbenchwhichranthewallbesidethecar.AsIblinked
Icouldseetools,thenashinymotorbikecaughtmyeye,andanother.

“Sorry.”Hetoldmeashegentlytookmyhand,“Ihopeyou’reokay.”

Inoddedasmyeyesfoundhisface.Hewaswearingalookofdeepestconcern.Ispokeno
wordsasIfollowedhiminsidethehouse.Iwantedtoknowwhywewerethere,butdidn’t
feellikeitwasagoodtimetoask.ImostlyjustfeltlikeIneededtobreathe.Thatboothad
beenhotanduncomfortableandstandingherenowdidn’tfeelcomfortableintheleast.In
fact,Ifeltlikethestressofeverythingwasmakingmefeelnauseous.

ThenauseawasoverwhelmingasIslowlyfollowedhimaroundthehouseathis
command.

Afterawhilehelookedatme,brokeoutofwhathehadbeendoingandaskedme,“Are
youokay?”

Ishookmyhead,“No.”

Heletoutadeepsighatthatandaskedmeifhecoulddoanythingtohelp.Isensedthathe
wantedmetotellhimquicklysoIdid,“IthinkIneedabucket.”

Momentslater,Iwasfacedowninmybucket,vomitingupeverylastbitofstressand
butterfliesfrommytummy.Ihadneverfeltthiswaybefore,thisrealfear,itwassointense
andoverwhelming.Myheadwasspinning,mygutswerechurningandeverything–every
bitofstressandworry–wascomingoutofmethroughmymouththen.

John’shandcaughtmyhairandpulleditbackfrommyface.Hismovementwassogentle,
andsosoftthatitmademewanttocry.

Inthesamemomentthatthismanhaddonesomethingsoawfultome,hehadalsodone
somethingsokind.Hehaddrivenmetothecliff,preparedtoshootmeoff,thenhad
caughthimself,stoppedhimselfandhadcomebackwithme.Hehadtakenmeandtaken
careofme–asbesthecouldforasituationwherehehadtopretendtokillme–then
whenitwasallsaidanddone,hewasstilltheretoholdbackmyhairwheneverything
cameupfrommyinsides,causedbythefearheinspiredwithinme.

IwassureIhadlookeduglyasIvomitedintomybucket.Iwassurehehadthoughtthis
wasawfultowatch,butwhenIwasdone,hejusttookthebucketfrommeandputitinto
thetoiletwithoutaword.Heflusheditscontentsandcleaneditoutbeforegivingitback
tome.

“Incaseyouneeditagain.”Hesaidwithoutatraceofironyandwithoutlookingatme,as
iftoallowmemymodesty.

Thenhewentbacktowhathe’dbeendoingbefore.AsIwatchedhimmovingaboutthe
houseIrealisedwhathewasdoing.Hehadmoneyhiddeneverywhereinfatwadsandwas
packingitintobags.Iguessedthiswasallformynewlife.

Thecoppartofmewantedtoobject–Icouldn’tliveofftheproceedsofcrime–butI
didn’t.Iheldmyselfbackandjustfocusedonmybreathing.Iwouldtakewhateverhe
gavemeandgetoutofhere.Iwasalreadywantingtoreachout,toholdhim,tokisshim
andtellhimhowmuchIlovedhimforwhathehaddoneforme.Allwhilestillknowingit
wasstillhimwhohaddrivenmetothecliff,heldtheguntomybackandhadbeen
preparedtoshootthatgun.

Iwastryingtonotletmyfeelingsandtheloveydoveyvoiceinsidemyheadgetthebetter
ofme,butIcouldn’thelpit.Everybitoflogicandreasonwasgonerightoutofthe
windowwhenhe’ddroppedthegun.

Logically,heshouldwanttokillme.Iambetweenhimandwhathewants.Criminalsare
notsentimentalpeoplebyandlargeandJohnshouldn’tbesentimental.Butthen,hewas
behavinglikeamanwhowassentimental.

Iputmybucketdowninthehallwaynearthegarageandwenttofindhim.

“John?”Icalledtoanunfamiliarhouse.Inallthetimewehadbeendating,Ihadnever
beentohishome.Ihadonlyeverbeeninsidemyownhomewithhimoroutinpublic.

Theplacewasamess.Thewholethingappearedlikeateenagedboy’sbedroomwithdirty
clothes,booksandotherhouseholditemsstrewnabouttheplace.

WhenIfoundJohnhewasinabedroom–onewhichIguessedmusthavebeenhiswitha
slept-inbedandpilesofclothesonthefloor.Idon’tthinkIhadeverseenahouseso
messyinmylife,evenasacopwhenwewouldraidahouse,therewouldbeplentyof
messbutthisonetookthecake.

IlookedfromthemessaboutmyanklestothethreeblackdufflebagstoJohn,whowas
lookingrightatmeashezippedabagwithexpertfingers.

WhenItookapeekinsidethebag,Icouldseebundlesofcash.Therewerewadsofgreen
hundreddollarbillsandwadsofyellowfifties.Ionlycaughtaglimpsebeforeheshutthe
bagbutitmademefeeluncomfortable.

TheweightofwhatIwasseeingsettledonme.Wehadcomebackheresohecouldpack
moneyforanewlife.Wasitmyownnewlifethesebillswerefororhisown?Or,wasit
forournewlifetogether?

Thethoughtofleavingtogethertostartanewlifeleftmybodyfeelingheavyandmy
mindracing.Thismanhadjustgonetoshootmedead,yetIwantedhimstill.Myheart
hadneverbetsostrongforsomeoneinmywholelifeasitwasforJohninthatmoment.

Ifthiswasanormalrelationshipwherewehadnormalproblems,we’dbehavinghot,
frenziedmake-upsexnow.Butthiswasn’tanormalrelationship,andweweren’tjust
fightingaboutnormalcivilianstuff,wewerejustreturnedfromhimabductingmebefore
failinginhisattempttokillmeandpushmydeadbodyoffacliffsoIwouldneverbe
foundagain.

Johnsilentlypickeduptheduffels,threwthemoverhisshoulderandheadedtowardsthe
door.HetookthemouttothecarandthrewtheminthebootwhereIhadjustbeen.They

tookupenoughspacethatIknewIwasn’tgoingbackthere.

“John?”Iasked,asIhadonlyfollowedhimsilentlythewholetime.

“Yes?”Heasked,hisvoicehardbutnotquiteashardashisface.

“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked.

Inthegarage,besidehiscarhegavemethesweetestkiss.Itwasfulloflongingand
sadness.SomethinginthatkisstoldmeallthatIneededtoknow.

HeheldmethenasIcriedontohisshoulder.Iknew,Iknew.

“Youaren’tcoming!”Iwailedintohisshoulderasheheldmecloser.

“No.”Hetoldme,“Iamsosorry,butIcan’t.”

“Whynot?”Icried.

Johnpulledmyheadbackandlookedmeintheeyes.“BecauseIcan’t.Iamsosorry.”

Hiswordsweresincere,andleftmegaspingforbreath.Icouldn’tcombatthem,andthat
voiceinsidemyheadwastellingmenottoeventry.

Hereachedformyhandandhelditinhisown.Mytearswereflowingfreely,andIcould
feelthepainradiatingfromhim.Iknewhewasinabadway.Ifeltforhim,Ifeltforme.I
wantedthistoallgoawaysowecouldjustbetogether.Justthetwoofus,withoutallof
thisawfulness.

“Iwillcomeforyou.”Wasallhesaid.Hisvoicewassincere.

AllIcoulddowasnodaswestaredintooneanother’seyes.

“Comewithme.”Hesaidasheturnedandwalkedthroughthegaragedoorandthehouse.
Wewereinthekitchenwhenhestopped,gotaglassandporedmesomewater.

“Havethis.”Hetoldme,“Itwillwashthevomitfromyourmouth.”

Oureyesmetandhetoldme,“Yousmelllikevomit.”

Icouldn’thelpit,IlaughedsohardIcouldbarelystandandnodded,embarrassed.

Iwassurprisedthatevenaftereverything,Istillhadthecapacitytofeelembarrassedin
frontofhim.

Butthen,Iwasn’tsurprisedatall.Thingshadalwaysbeenprettyweirdhere.

AfterIrinsed,hekissedmeagainandamonggiggleshetoldmeitwasmuchbetterthis
timearound.Icouldn’tbelievehehadkissedmewhenmymouthtastedlikevomitand
laughedbesidehim.

Therewewere,inhiskitchen,laughingaboutwhathadhappenedwhenIheardaloud
crashfrombehindme.Iturnedtoseeamandressedallinblackrunningintotheroom.He
wasbig,andcoveredintattoos.

Mybreathcaughtinmythroat.Wasthisit?Really?Ihadjustescapeddeathoncetoday,
andnowhereanothermanwas,withmurderinhiseyesandyes,aguninhishand.

Frombehindme,Johnpulledhisowngunandyelledatmetorun.“Gettothecar!”He
criedasIrantowardsthegarage,mybodybentdoublelikeagoodex-copavoiding
bullets.

Therewasyellingfrombehindmeinthekitchenwherethetwomenstoodandthenafew
shotswerefiredovermyhead.Theywerejustwarningshotsthough.

Iknowifsomeoneisseriousaboutkillingyou,theyjustdoit.Thisguyjustwantedto
proveapointtoJohn.

IranashardasIcouldintothegaragethough,notwantinghimtogetboredofprovinga
pointandshoottokillormaiminstead.

FrombehindmeIcouldhearthetwomenyelling.Icouldn’tfindthekeysanywhereinthe
car.IwasflailingaroundlookingeverywherewhenIremembered,whenwehadgotten
outofthecar,Johnhadhungthemonahookbesidethegaragedoor.

IcouldstillheartheyellingthewholetimeasIwenttothedoorandpickedupthekeys
fromthehook.Theyellingdidn’tmakemuchsensetome.Itwasmostlyjustabusemixed
inwithafewwordsofwarning.Thetwomenwereyellingaboutme.Themanwiththe
tattooswasyellingabouthowIshouldbedead,whywasn’tI?

AfewquickstrideswiththekeysandIwasinthecar,readytopulloutofthegarage.I
couldn’tworkoutthoughhowtoopenthedoor,soIreversedthroughit.Ittookafewtries
butfinallythegaragedoorgaveway.

Iwasinthedriveway,thedoorhavinggivenwayfrommyreversingintoit,neighbours
watchingmefromeverysidewhenIheardit.

Agunshotrangoutfrominsidethehouse.Theyhadshotatmeandhitwallsbefore,but
thedreadinmychestgrew.Thesoundwasn’tthesameasbefore.Therewasjustbangsas
theshotswerefired,notcrashesasfurnitureandwallswerestruck.

Iwaitedforasecondshot,orathird.Whennonecame,Iknewthattheshotmusthavehit
itstarget.Someonehadbeenshot.

RatherthancryasIsodesperatelywantedto,Ireversedfromthedrivewayandputmy
foottothefloor.Iwasgettingoutofherealive.

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